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diff --git a/.gitattributes b/.gitattributes new file mode 100644 index 0000000..6833f05 --- /dev/null +++ b/.gitattributes @@ -0,0 +1,3 @@ +* text=auto +*.txt text +*.md text diff --git a/18071-8.txt b/18071-8.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..7230721 --- /dev/null +++ b/18071-8.txt @@ -0,0 +1,4778 @@ +The Project Gutenberg EBook of The Spinster Book, by Myrtle Reed + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: The Spinster Book + +Author: Myrtle Reed + +Release Date: March 29, 2006 [EBook #18071] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1 + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK THE SPINSTER BOOK *** + + + + +Produced by Susan Skinner and the Online Distributed +Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net + + + + + + + +The Spinster Book + +By Myrtle Reed + + +G. P. PUTNAM'S SONS +New York and London +The Knickerbocker Press + +1907 + + * * * * * + +COPYRIGHT, 1901 +BY +MYRTLE REED + + * * * * * + +Set up and electrotyped, September, 1901 + +Reprinted, November, 1901; April, 1902; August, 1902; April, 1903; +July, 1903; September, 1903; June, 1904; October, 1904; June, 1905; +September, 1905; March, 1906; September, 1906; November, 1906; +July, 1907. + + +The Knickerbocker Press, New York + + * * * * * + +BY MYRTLE REED. + + LOVE LETTERS OF A MUSICIAN. + LATER LOVE LETTERS OF A MUSICIAN. + THE SPINSTER BOOK. + LAVENDER AND OLD LACE. + PICKABACK SONGS. + THE SHADOW OF VICTORY. + THE MASTER'S VIOLIN. + THE BOOK OF CLEVER BEASTS. + AT THE SIGN OF THE JACK-O'-LANTERN. + A SPINNER IN THE SUN. + LOVE AFFAIRS OF LITERARY MEN. + + * * * * * + + + + +Contents + + + PAGE + +Notes on Men 3 +Concerning Women 25 +The Philosophy of Love 49 +The Lost Art of Courtship 71 +The Natural History of Proposals 93 +Love Letters: Old and New 115 +An Inquiry into Marriage 137 +The Physiology of Vanity 161 +Widowers and Widows 183 +The Consolations of Spinsterhood 205 + + + + +Notes on Men + +[Illustration] + + + + +Notes on Men + +[Sidenote: "The Proper Study"] + + +If "the proper study of mankind is man," it is also the chief delight of +woman. It is not surprising that men are conceited, since the thought of +the entire population is centred upon them. + +Women are wont to consider man in general as a simple creation. It is +not until the individual comes into the field of the feminine telescope, +and his peculiarities are thrown into high relief, that he is seen and +judged at his true value. + +When a girl once turns her attention from the species to the individual, +her parlour becomes a sort of psychological laboratory in which she +conducts various experiments; not, however, without the loss of friends. +For men are impatient of the spirit of inquiry in woman. + +[Sidenote: The Phenomena of Affection] + +How shall a girl acquire her knowledge of the phenomena of affection, if +men are not willing to be questioned upon the subject? What is more +natural than to seek wisdom from the man a girl has just refused to +marry? Why should she not ask if he has ever loved before, how long he +has loved her, if he were not surprised when he found it out, and how he +feels in her presence? + +Yet a sensitive spinster is repeatedly astonished at finding her lover +transformed into a fiend, without other provocation than this. He +accuses her of being "a heartless coquette," of having "led him +on,"--whatever that may mean,--and he does not care to have her for his +sister, or even for his friend. + +[Sidenote: Original Research] + +Occasionally a charitable man will open his heart for the benefit of the +patient student. If he is of a scientific turn of mind, with a fondness +for original research, he may even take a melancholy pleasure in the +analysis. + +Thus she learns that he thought he had loved, until he cared for her, +but in the light of the new passion he sees clearly that the others were +mere, idle flirtations. To her surprise, she also discovers that he has +loved her a long time but has never dared to speak of it before, and +that this feeling, compared with the others, is as wine unto water. In +her presence he is uplifted, exalted, and often afraid, for very love of +her. + +Next to a proposal, the most interesting thing in the world to a woman +is this kind of analysis. If a man is clever at it, he may change a +decided refusal to a timid promise to "think about it." The man who +hesitates may be lost, but the woman who hesitates is surely won. + +In the beginning, the student is often perplexed by the magnitude of the +task which lies before her. Later, she comes to know that men, like +cats, need only to be stroked in the right direction. The problem thus +becomes a question of direction, which is seldom as simple as it looks. + +[Sidenote: The Personal Equation] + +Yet men, as a class, are easier to understand than women, because they +are less emotional. It is emotion which complicates the personal +equation with radicals and quadratics, and life which proceeds upon +predestined lines soon becomes monotonous and loses its charm. The +involved _x_ in the equation continually postpones the definite result, +which may often be surmised, but never achieved. + +Still, there is little doubt as to the proper method, for some of the +radicals must necessarily appear in the result. Man's conceit is his +social foundation and when the vulnerable spot is once found in the +armour of Achilles, the overthrow of the strenuous Greek is near at +hand. + +There is nothing in the world as harmless and as utterly joyous as man's +conceit. The woman who will not pander to it is ungracious indeed. + +Man's interest in himself is purely altruistic and springs from an +unselfish desire to please. He values physical symmetry because one's +first impression of him is apt to be favourable. Manly accomplishments +and evidences of good breeding are desirable for the same reason, and he +likes to think his way of doing things is the best, regardless of actual +effectiveness. + +[Sidenote: Pencils] + +For instance, there seems to be no good reason why a man's way of +sharpening a pencil is any better than a woman's. It is difficult to see +just why it is advisable to cover the thumb with powdered graphite, and +expose that useful member to possible amputation by a knife directed +uncompromisingly toward it, when the pencil might be pointed the other +way, the risk of amputation avoided, and the shavings and pulverised +graphite left safely to the action of gravitation and centrifugal force. +Yet the entire race of men refuse to see the true value of the feminine +method, and, indeed, any man would rather sharpen any woman's pencil +than see her do it herself. + +[Sidenote: The "Supreme Conceit"] + +It pleases a man very much to be told that he "knows the world," even +though his acquaintance be limited to the flesh and the devil--a +gentleman, by the way, who is much misunderstood and whose faults are +persistently exaggerated. But man's supreme conceit is in regard to his +personal appearance. Let a single entry in a laboratory note-book +suffice for proof. + +_Time, evening. MAN is reading a story in a current magazine to the GIRL +he is calling upon._ + +MAN. "Are you interested in this?" + +GIRL. "Certainly, but I can think of other things too, can't I?" + +MAN. "That depends on the 'other things.' What are they?" + +GIRL. (_Calmly._) "I was just thinking that you are an extremely +handsome man, but of course you know that." + +MAN. (_Crimsoning to his temples._) "You flatter me!" (_Resumes +reading._) + +Girl. (_Awaits developments._) + +MAN. (_After a little._) "I didn't know you thought I was good-looking." + +GIRL. (_Demurely._) "Didn't you?" + +MAN. (_Clears his throat and continues the story._) + +MAN. (_After a few minutes._) "Did you ever hear anybody else say that?" + +GIRL. "Say what?" + +MAN. "Why, that I was--that I was--well, good-looking, you know?" + +GIRL. "Oh, yes! Lots of people!" + +MAN. (_After reading half a page._) "I don't think this is so very +interesting, do you?" + +GIRL. "No, it isn't. It doesn't carry out the promise of its beginning." + +MAN. (_Closes magazine and wanders aimlessly toward the mirror in the +mantel._) + +MAN. "Which way do you like my hair; this way, or parted in the middle?" + +GIRL. "I don't know--this way, I guess. I've never seen it parted in the +middle." + +MAN. (_Taking out pocket comb and rapidly parting his hair in the +middle._) "There! Which way do you like it?" + +GIRL. (_Judicially._) "I don't know. It's really a very hard question to +decide." + +MAN. (_Reminiscently._) "I've gone off my looks a good deal lately. I +used to be a lot better looking than I am now." + +GIRL. (_Softly._) "I'm glad I didn't know you then." + +MAN. (_In apparent astonishment._) "Why?" + +GIRL. "Because I might not have been heart whole, as I am now." + +(_Long silence._) + +MAN. (_With sudden enthusiasm._) "I'll tell you, though, I really do +look well in evening dress." + +GIRL. "I haven't a doubt of it, even though I've never seen you wear +it." + +MAN. (_After brief meditation._) "Let's go and hear Melba next week, +will you? I meant to ask you when I first came in, but we got to +reading." + +GIRL. "I shall be charmed." + +_Next day, GIRL gets a box of chocolates and a dozen American +Beauties--in February at that._ + +[Sidenote: Dimples and Dress Clothes] + +Tell a man he has a dimple and he will say "where?" in pleased surprise, +meanwhile putting his finger straight into it. He has studied that +dimple in the mirror too many times to be unmindful of its geography. + +Let the woman dearest to a man say, tenderly: "You were so handsome +to-night, dear--I was proud of you." See his face light up with noble, +unselfish joy, because he has given such pleasure to others! + +All the married men at evening receptions have gone because they "look +so well in evening dress," and because "so few men can wear dress +clothes really well." In truth, it does require distinction and grace of +bearing, if a man would not be mistaken for a waiter. + +Man's conceit is not love of himself but of his fellow-men. The man who +is in love with himself need not fear that any woman will ever become a +serious rival. Not unfrequently, when a man asks a woman to marry him, +he means that he wants her to help him love himself, and if, blinded by +her own feeling, she takes him for her captain, her pleasure craft +becomes a pirate ship, the colours change to a black flag with a +sinister sign, and her inevitable destiny is the coral reef. + +[Sidenote: Palmistry] + +Palmistry does very well for a beginning if a man is inclined to be shy. +It leads by gentle and almost imperceptible degrees to that most +interesting of all subjects, himself, and to that tactful comment, +dearest of all to the masculine heart; "You are not like other men!" + +A man will spend an entire evening, utterly oblivious of the lapse of +time, while a woman subjects him to careful analysis. But sympathy, +rather than sarcasm, must be her guide--if she wants him to come again. +A man will make a comrade of the woman who stimulates him to higher +achievement, but he will love the one who makes herself a mirror for his +conceit. + +Men claim that women cannot keep a secret, but it is a common failing. A +man will always tell some one person the thing which is told him in +confidence. If he is married, he tells his wife. Then the exclusive bit +of news is rapidly syndicated, and by gentle degrees, the secret is +diffused through the community. This is the most pathetic thing in +matrimony--the regularity with which husbands relate the irregularities +of their friends. Very little of the world's woe is caused by silence, +however it may be in fiction and the drama. + +[Sidenote: Exchange of Confidence] + +In return for the generous confidence regarding other people's doings, +the married man is made conversant with those things which his wife +deems it right and proper for him to know. And he is not unhappy, for it +isn't what he doesn't know that troubles a man, but what he knows he +doesn't know. + +The masculine nature is less capable of concealment than the feminine. +Where men are frankly selfish, women are secretly so. Man's vices are +few and comprehensive; woman's petty and innumerable. Any man who is not +in the penitentiary has at most but three or four, while a woman will +hide a dozen under her social mask and defy detection. + +Women are said to be fickle, but are they more so than men? A man's +ideal is as variable as the wind. What he thinks is his ideal of woman +is usually a glorified image of the last girl he happened to admire. The +man who has had a decided preference for blondes all his life, finally +installs a brown-eyed deity at his hearthstone. If he has been fond of +petite and coquettish damsels, he marries some Diana moulded on large +lines and unconcerned as to mice. + +A man will ride, row, and swim with one girl and marry another who is +afraid of horses, turns pale at the mention of a boat, and who would +look forward to an interview with His Satanic Majesty with more ease and +confidence than to a dip in the summer sea. + +[Sidenote: Portia and Carmen] + +Theoretically, men admire "reasonable women," with the uncommon quality +which is called "common sense," but it is the woman of caprice, the +sweet, illogical despot of a thousand moods, who is most often and most +tenderly loved. Man is by nature a discoverer. It is not beauty which +holds him, but rather mystery and charm. To see the one woman through +all the changing moods--to discern Portia through Carmen's witchery--is +the thing above all others which captivates a man. + +[Sidenote: The Dorcas Ideal] + +Deep in his heart, man cherishes the Dorcas ideal. The old, lingering +notions of womanliness are not quite dispelled, but in this, as in +other things, nothing sickens a man of his pet theory like seeing it in +operation. + +It may be a charming sight to behold a girl stirring cheese in the +chafing-dish, wearing an air of deep concern when it "bunnies" at the +sides and requires still more skill. It may also be attractive to see +white fingers weave wonders with fine linen and delicate silks, with +pretty eagerness as to shade and stitch. + +But in the after-years, when his divinity, redolent of the kitchen, +meets him at the door, with hair dishevelled and fingers bandaged, it is +subtly different from the chafing-dish days, and the crisp chops, +generously black with charcoal, are not as good as her rarebits used to +be. The memory of the silk and fine linen also fades somewhat, in the +presence of darning which contains hard lumps and patches which +immediately come off. + +It has become the fashion to speak of woman as the eager hunter, and man +as the timid, reluctant prey. The comic papers may have started it, but +modern society certainly lends colour to the pretty theory. It is +frequently attributed to Mr. Darwin, but he is at times unjustly blamed +by those who do not read his pleasing works. + +The complexities in man's personal equation are caused by variants of +three emotions; a mutable fondness for women, according to temperament +and opportunity, a more uniform feeling toward money, and the universal, +devastating desire--the old, old passion for food. + +[Sidenote: The Key of Happiness] + +The first variant is but partially under the control of any particular +woman, and the less she concerns herself with the second, the better it +is for both, but she who stimulates and satisfies the third variant +holds in her hands the golden key of happiness. No woman need envy the +Sphinx her wisdom if she has learned the uses of silence and never asks +a favour of a hungry man. + +A woman makes her chief mistake when she judges a man by herself and +attributes to him indirection and complexity of motive. When she wishes +to attract a particular man, she goes at it indirectly. She makes +friends of "his sisters, his cousins, and his aunts," and assumes an +interest in his chum. She ignores him at first and thus arouses his +curiosity. Later, she condescends to smile upon him and he is mildly +pleased, because he thinks he has been working for that very smile and +has finally won it. In this manner he is lured toward the net. + +[Sidenote: The Wise Virgin] + +When a girl systematically and effectively feeds a man, she is leading +trumps. He insensibly associates her with his comfort and thus she +becomes his necessity. When a man seeks a woman's society it is because +he has need of her, not because he thinks she has need of him; and the +parlour of the girl who realises it, is the envy of every unattached +damsel on the street. If the wise one is an expert with the +chafing-dish, she may frequently bag desirable game, while the foolish +virgins who have no alcohol in their lamps are hunting eagerly for the +trail. + +Because she herself works indirectly, she thinks he intends a tender +look at another girl for a carom shot, and frequently a far-sighted +maiden can see the evidences of a consuming passion for herself in a +man's devotion to someone else. + +Men are not sufficiently diplomatic to bother with finesse of this kind. +Other things being equal, a man goes to see the girl he wants to see. +It does not often occur to her that he may not want to see her, may be +interested in someone else, or that he may have forgotten all about her. + +[Sidenote: "Encouragement"] + +There is a common feminine delusion to the effect that men need +"encouragement" and there is no term which is more misused. A fool may +need "encouragement," but the man who wants a girl will go after her, +regardless of obstacles. As for him, if he is fed at her house, even +irregularly, he may know that she looks with favour upon his suit. + +[Sidenote: "Platonic Friendship"] + +The parents of both, the neighbours, and even the girl herself, usually +know that a man is in love before he finds it out. Sometimes he has to +be told. He has approached a stage of acute and immediate peril when he +recognises what he calls "a platonic friendship." + +Young men believe platonic friendship possible; old men know better--but +when one man learns to profit by the experience of another, we may look +for mosquitoes at Christmas and holly in June. + +There is an exquisite danger attached to friendships of this kind, and +is it not danger, rather than variety, which is "the spice of life?" +Relieved of the presence of that social pace-maker, the chaperone, the +disciples of Plato are wont to take long walks, and further on, they +spend whole days in the country with book and wheel. + +A book is a mysterious bond of union, and by their taste in books do a +man and woman unerringly know each other. Two people who unite in +admiration of Browning are apt to admire each other, and those who +habitually seek Emerson for new courage may easily find the world more +kindly if they face it hand in hand. + +A latter-day philosopher has remarked upon the subtle sympathy produced +by marked passages. "The method is so easy and so unsuspect. You have +only to put faint pencil marks against the tenderest passages in your +favourite new poet, and lend the volume to Her, and She has only to +leave here and there the dropped violet of a timid, confirmatory +initial, for you to know your fate." + +[Sidenote: The High-Priest] + +A man never has a platonic friendship with a woman it is impossible for +him to love. Cupid is the high-priest at these rites of reading aloud +and discussing everything under the sun. The two become so closely bound +that one arrow strikes both, and often the happiest marriages are those +whose love has so begun, for when the Great Passion dies, as it +sometimes does, sympathy and mutual understanding may yield a generous +measure of content. + +The present happy era of fiction closes a story abruptly at the altar or +else begins it immediately after the ceremony. Thence the enthralled +reader is conducted through rapture, doubt, misunderstanding, +indifference, complications, recrimination, and estrangement to the +logical end in cynicism and the divorce court. + +In the books which women write, the hero of the story shoulders the +blame, and often has to bear his creator's vituperation in addition to +his other troubles. When a man essays this theme in fiction, he shows +clearly that it is the woman's fault. When the situation is presented +outside of books, the happily married critics distribute condemnation in +the same way, it being customary for each partner in a happy marriage to +claim the entire credit for the mutual content. + +[Sidenote: Pursuit and Possession] + +Over the afternoon tea cups it has been decided with unusual and +refreshing accord, that "it is pursuit and not possession with a man." +True--but is it less true with women? + +When Her Ladyship finally acquires the sealskin coat on which she has +long set her heart, does she continue to scan the advertisements? Does +she still coddle him who hath all power as to sealskin coats, with +tempting dishes and unusual smiles? Not unless she wants something else. + +Still, it is woman's tendency to make the best of what she has, and +man's to reach out for what he has not. Man spends his life in the +effort to realise the ideals which, like will-o'-the-wisps, hover just +beyond him. Woman, on the contrary, brings into her life what grace she +may, by idealising her reals. + +In her secret heart, woman holds her unchanging ideal of her own +possible perfection. Sometimes a man suspects this, and loves her all +the more for the sweet guardian angel which is thus enthroned. Other +men, less fine, consider an ideal a sort of disease--and they are +usually a certain specific. + +But, after all, men are as women make them. Cleopatra and Helen of Troy +swayed empires and rocked thrones. There is no woman who does not hold +within her little hands some man's achievement, some man's future, and +his belief in woman and God. + +She may fire him with high ambition, exalt him with noble striving, or +make him a coward and a thief. She may show him the way to the gold of +the world, or blind him with tinsel which he may not keep. It is she who +leads him to the door of glory and so thrills him with majestic purpose, +that nothing this side Heaven seems beyond his eager reach. + +[Sidenote: The Potter's Hand] + +Upon his heart she may write ecstasy or black despair. Through the long +night she may ever beckon, whispering courage, and by her magic making +victory of defeat. It is for her to say whether his face shall be +world-scarred and weary, hiding tragedy behind its piteous lines; +whether there shall be light or darkness in his soul. He cannot escape +those soft, compelling fingers; she is the arbiter of his destiny--for +like clay in the potter's hands, she moulds him as she will. + + + + +Concerning Women + +[Illustration] + + + + +Concerning Women + + +In order to be happy, a woman needs only a good digestion, a +satisfactory complexion, and a lover. The first requirement being met, +the second is not difficult to obtain, and the third follows as a matter +of course. + +[Sidenote: Nagging] + +He was a wise philosopher who first considered crime as disease, for +women are naturally sweet-tempered and charming. The shrew and the scold +are to be reformed only by a physician, and as for nagging, is it not +allopathic scolding in homeopathic doses? + +A well woman is usually a happy one, and incidentally, those around her +share her content. The irritation produced by fifteen minutes of nagging +speaks volumes for the personal influence which might be directed the +other way, and the desired result more easily obtained. + +[Sidenote: Diversions] + +The sun around which woman revolves is Love. Her whole life is spent in +search of it, consciously or unconsciously. Incidental diversions in +the way of "career" and "independence" are usually caused by domestic +unhappiness, or, in the case of spinsters, the fear of it. + +If all men were lovers, there would be no "new woman" movement, no +sociological studies of "Woman in Business," no ponderous analyses of +"The Industrial Condition of Women" in weighty journals. Still more than +a man, a woman needs a home, though it be but the tiniest room. + +Even the self-reliant woman of affairs who battles bravely by day in the +commercial arena has her little nook, made dainty by feminine touches, +to which she gladly creeps at night. Would it not be sweeter if it were +shared by one who would always love her? As truly as she needs her bread +and meat, woman needs love, and, did he but know it, man needs it too, +though in lesser degree. + +[Sidenote: The Verity and the Vision] + +Lacking the daily expression of it which is the sweet unction of her +hungry soul, she seeks solace in an ideal world of her own making. It is +because the verity jars upon her vision that she takes a melancholy view +of life. + +One of woman's keenest pleasures is sorrow. Her tears are not all pain. +She goes to the theatre, not to laugh, but to weep. The clever +playwright who closes his last scene with a bitter parting is sure of a +large clientage, composed almost wholly of women. Sad books are written +by men, with an eye to women readers, and women dearly love to wear the +willow in print. + +Women are unconscious queens of tragedy. Each one, in thought, plays to +a sympathetic but invisible audience. She lifts her daily living to a +plane of art, finding in fiction, music, pictures, and the stage +continual reminders of her own experience. + +Does her husband, distraught with business cares, leave her hurriedly +and without the customary morning kiss? Woman, on her way to market, +rapidly reviews similar instances in fiction, in which this first +forgetting proved to be "the little rift within the lute." + +The pictures of distracted ladies, wild as to hair and vision, are sold +in photogravure by countless thousands--to women. An attraction on the +boards which is rumoured to be "so sad," leads woman to economise in +the matter of roasts and desserts that she may go and enjoy an +afternoon of misery. Girls suffer all their lives long from being taken +to mirthful plays, or to vaudeville, which is unmixed delight to a man +and intolerably cheerful to a woman. + +[Sidenote: Woman and Death] + +Woman and Death are close friends in art. Opera is her greatest joy, +because a great many people are slaughtered in the course of a single +performance, and somebody usually goes raving mad for love. When Melba +sings the mad scene from _Lucia_, and that beautiful voice descends by +lingering half-notes from madness and nameless longing to love and +prayer, the women in the house sob in sheer delight and clutch the hands +of their companions in an ecstasy of pain. + +In proportion as women enjoy sorrow, men shrink from it. A man cannot +bear to be continually reminded of the woman he has loved and lost, +while woman's dearest keepsakes are old love letters and the shoes of a +little child. If the lover or the child is dead, the treasures are never +to be duplicated or replaced, but if the pristine owner of the shoes has +grown to stalwart manhood and the writer of the love letters is a +tender and devoted husband, the sorrowful interest is merely mitigated. +It is not by any means lost. + +[Sidenote: "The Eternal Womanly"] + +Just why it should be considered sad to marry one's lover and for a +child to grow up, can never be understood by men. There are many things +in the "eternal womanly" which men understand about as well as a kitten +does the binomial theorem, but some mysteries become simple enough when +the leading fact is grasped--that woman's song of life is written in a +minor key and that she actually enjoys the semblance of sorrow. Still, +the average woman wishes to be idealised and strongly objects to being +understood. + +[Sidenote: "Tears, Idle Tears"] + +Woman's tears mean no more than the sparks from an overcharged dynamo; +they are simply emotional relief. Married men gradually come to realise +it, and this is why a suspicion of tears in his sweetheart's eyes means +infinitely more to a lover than a fit of hysterics does to a husband. + +We are wont to speak of woman's tenderness, but there is no tenderness +like that of a man for the woman he loves when she is tired or +troubled, and the man who has learned simply to love a woman at crucial +moments, and to postpone the inevitable idiotic questioning till a more +auspicious time, has in his hands the talisman of domestic felicity. + +If by any chance the lachrymal glands were to be dried up, woman's life +would lose a goodly share of its charm. There is nothing to cry on which +compares with a man's shoulder; almost any man will do at a critical +moment; but the clavicle of a lover is by far the most desirable. If the +flood is copious and a collar or an immaculate shirt-front can be +spoiled, the scene acquires new and distinct value. A pillow does very +well, lacking the shoulder, for many of the most attractive women in +fiction habitually cry into pillows--because they have no lover, or +because the brute dislikes tears. + +When grief strikes deep, a woman's eyes are dry. Her soul shudders and +there is a hand upon her heart whose icy fingers clutch at the inward +fibre in a very real physical pain. There are no tears for times like +these; the inner depths, bare and quivering, are healed by no such balm +as this. + +A sudden blow leaves a woman as cold as a marble statue and absolutely +dumb as to the thing which lies upon her heart. When the tears begin to +flow, it means that resignation and content will surely come. On the +contrary, when once or twice in a lifetime a man is moved to tears, +there is nothing so terrible and so hopeless as his sobbing grief. + +Married and unmarried women waste a great deal of time in feeling sorry +for each other. It never occurs to a married woman that a spinster may +not care to take the troublous step. An ideal lover in one's heart is +less strain upon the imagination than the transfiguration of a man who +goes around in his shirt-sleeves and dispenses with his collar at ninety +degrees Fahrenheit. + +[Sidenote: The Unknown Country] + +If fiction dealt pleasantly with men who are unmindful of small +courtesies, the unknown country beyond the altar would lose some of its +fear. If the way of an engaged girl lies past a barber shop,--which very +seldom has a curtain, by the way,--and she happens to think that she may +some day behold her beloved in the dangerous act of shaving himself, it +immediately hardens her heart. One glimpse of one face covered with +lather will postpone one wedding-day five weeks. Many a lover has +attributed to caprice or coquetry the fault which lies at the door of +the "tonsorial parlour." + +[Sidenote: Other Feminine Eyes] + +A woman may be a mystery to a man and to herself, but never to another +woman. There is no concealment which is effectual when other feminine +eyes are fixed upon one's small and harmless schemes. A glance at a +girl's dressing-table is sufficient for the intimate friend--she does +not need to ask questions; and indeed, there are few situations in life +in which the necessity for direct questions is not a confession of +individual weakness. + +If fourteen different kinds of creams and emollients are within easy +reach, the girl has an admirer who is fond of out-door sports and has +not yet declared himself. If the curling iron is kept hot, it is because +he has looked approval when her hair was waved. If there is a box of +rouge but half concealed, the girl thinks the man is a fatuous idiot and +hourly expects a proposal. + +If the various drugs are in the dental line, the man is a cheerful soul +with a tendency to be humorous. If she is particular as to small +details of scolding locks and eyebrows, he probably wears glasses. If +she devotes unusual attention to her nails, the affair has progressed to +that interesting stage where he may hold her hand for a few minutes at a +time. + +If she selects her handkerchief with extreme care,--one with an initial +and a faint odour of violet--she expects to give it to him to carry and +to forget to ask for it. If he makes an extra call in order to return +it, it indicates a lesser degree of interest than if he says nothing +about it. The forgotten handkerchief is an important straw with a girl +when love's capricious wind blows her way. + +It is not entirely without reason that womankind in general blames "the +other woman" for defection of any kind. Short-sighted woman thinks it a +mighty tribute to her own charm to secure the passing interest of +another's rightful property. It does not seem to occur to her that +someone else will lure him away from her with even more ease. Each +successive luring makes defection simpler for a man. Practice tends +towards perfection in most things; perhaps it is the single exception, +love, which proves the rule. + +Three delusions among women are widespread and painful. Marriage is +currently supposed to reform a man, a rejected lover is heartbroken for +life, and, if "the other woman" were only out of the way, he would come +back. Love sometimes reforms a man, but marriage does not. The rejected +lover suffers for a brief period,--feminine philosophers variously +estimate it, but a week is a generous average,--and he who will not come +in spite of "the other woman" is not worth having at all. + +[Sidenote: "Not Things, but Men"] + +Emerson says: "The things which are really for thee gravitate to thee." +One is tempted to add the World's Congress motto--"Not things, but men." + +There is no virtue in women which men cultivate so assiduously as +forgiveness. They make one think that it is very pretty and charming to +forgive. It is not hygienic, however, for the woman who forgives easily +has a great deal of it to do. When pardon is to be had for the asking, +there are frequent causes for its giving. This, of course, applies to +the interesting period before marriage. + +[Sidenote: Post-Nuptial Sins] + +Post-nuptial sins are atoned for with gifts; not more than once in a +whole marriage with the simple, manly words, "Forgive me, dear, I was +wrong." It injures a man's conceit vitally to admit he has made a +mistake. This is gracious and knightly in the lover, but a married man, +the head of a family, must be careful to maintain his position. + +Cases of reformation by marriage are few and far between, and men more +often die of wounded conceit than broken hearts. "Men have died and +worms have eaten them, but not for love," save on the stage and in the +stories women cry over. + +[Sidenote: "The Other Woman"] + +"The other woman" is the chief bugbear of life. On desert islands and in +a very few delightful books, her baneful presence is not. The girl a man +loves with all his heart can see a long line of ghostly ancestors, and +requires no opera-glass to discern through the mists of the future a +procession of possible posterity. It is for this reason that men's ears +are tried with the eternal, unchanging: "Am I the only woman you ever +loved?" and "Will you always love me?" + +The woman who finally acquires legal possession of a man is haunted by +the shadowy predecessors. If he is unwary enough to let her know another +girl has refused him, she develops a violent hatred for this inoffensive +maiden. Is it because the cruel creature has given pain to her lord? His +gods are not her gods--if he has adored another woman. + +These two are mutually "other women," and the second one has the best of +it, for there is no thorn in feminine flesh like the rejected lover who +finds consolation elsewhere. It may be exceedingly pleasant to be a +man's first love, but she is wise beyond books who chooses to be his +last, and it is foolish to spend mental effort upon old flames, rather +than in watching for new ones, for Cæsar himself is not more utterly +dead than a man's dead love. + +Women are commonly supposed to worry about their age, but Father Time is +a trouble to men also. The girl of twenty thinks it absurd for women to +be concerned about the matter, but the hour eventually comes when she +regards the subject with reverence akin to awe. There is only one terror +in it--the dreadful nines. + +[Sidenote: Scylla and Charybdis] + +"Twenty-nine!" Might she not as well be thirty? There is little choice +between Scylla and Charybdis. Twenty-nine is the hour of reckoning for +every woman, married, engaged, or unattached. + +The married woman felicitates herself greatly, unless a tall daughter of +nine or ten walks abroad at her side. The engaged girl is safe--she +rejoices in the last hours of her lingering girlhood and hems table +linen with more resignation. The unattached girl has a strange interest +in creams and hair tonics, and usually betakes herself to the cloister +of the university for special courses, since azure hosiery does not +detract from woman's charm in the eyes of the faculty. + +Men do not often know their ages accurately till after thirty. The +gladsome heyday of youth takes no note of the annual milestones. But +after thirty, ah me! "Yes," a man will say sometimes, "I am thirty-one, +but the fellows tell me I don't look a day over twenty-nine." Scylla and +Charybdis again! + +[Sidenote: Perennial Youth] + +Still, age is not a matter of birthdays, but of the heart. Some women +are mature cynics at twenty, while a grey-haired matron of fifty seems +to have found the secret of perennial youth. There is little to choose, +as regards beauty and charm, between the young, unformed girl, whose +soft eyes look with longing into the unyielding future which gives her +no hint of its purposes, and the mature woman, well-groomed, +self-reliant to her finger-tips, who has drunk deeply of life's cup and +found it sweet. A woman is never old until the little finger of her +glove is allowed to project beyond the finger itself and she orders her +new photographs from an old plate in preference to sitting again. + +In all the seven ages of man, there is someone whom she may attract. If +she is twenty-five, the boy who has just attained long trousers will not +buy her striped sticks of peppermint and ask shyly if he may carry her +books. She is not apt to wear fraternity pins and decorate her rooms in +college colours, unless her lover still holds his alma mater in fond +remembrance. But there are others, always the others--and is it less +sweet to inspire the love which lasts than the tender verses of a +Sophomore? Her field of action is not sensibly limited, for at twenty +men love woman, at thirty a woman, and at forty, women. + +[Sidenote: Three Weapons] + +Woman has three weapons--flattery, food, and flirtation, and only the +last of these is ever denied her by Time. With the first she appeals to +man's conceit, with the second to his heart, which is suspected to lie +at the end of the oesophagus, rather than over among lungs and ribs, and +with the third to his natural rivalry of his fellows. But the pleasures +of the chase grow beautifully less when age brings rheumatism and +kindred ills. + +Besides, may she not always be a chaperone? When a political orator +refers effectively to "the cancer which is eating at the heart of the +body politic," someway, it always makes a girl think of a chaperone. She +goes, ostensibly, to lend a decorous air to whatever proceedings may be +in view. She is to keep the man from making love to the girl. Whispers +and tender hand clasps are occasionally possible, however, for, tell it +not in Gath! the chaperone was once young herself and at times looks the +other way. + +That is, unless she is the girl's mother. Trust a parent for keeping two +eyes and a pair of glasses on a girl! Trust the non-matchmaking mother +for four new eyes under her back hair and a double row of ears arranged +laterally along her anxious spine! And yet, if the estimable lady had +not been married herself, it is altogether likely that the girl would +never have thought of it. + +[Sidenote: The Chaperone] + +The reason usually given for chaperonage is that it gives the girl a +chance to become acquainted with the man. Of course, in the presence of +a chaperone, a man says and does exactly the same things he would if he +were alone with the maiden of his choice. He does not mind making love +to a girl in her mother's presence. He does not even care to be alone +with her when he proposes to her. He would like to have some chaperone +read his letters--he always writes with this intention. At any time +during the latter part of the month it fills him with delight to see the +chaperone order a lobster after they have all had oysters. + +Nonsense! Why do not the leaders of society say, frankly: "This +chaperone business is just a little game. Our husbands are either at +the club or soundly asleep at home. It is not nice to go around alone, +and it is pathetic to go in pairs, with no man. We will go with our +daughters and their young friends, for they have cavaliers enough and to +spare. Let us get out and see the world, lest we die of ennui and +neglect!" It is the chaperone who really goes with the young man. She +takes the girl along to escape gossip. + +[Sidenote: Behold his House!] + +It is strange, when it is woman's avowed object to make man happy, that +she insists upon doing it in her own way, rather than in his. He likes +the rich, warm colours; the deep reds and dark greens. Behold his house! + +Renaissance curtains obscure the landscape with delicate tracery, and he +realises what it might mean to wear a veil. Soft tones of rose and Nile +green appear in his drawing-room. Chippendale chairs, upon which he +fears to sit, invite the jaded soul to whatever repose it can get. See +the sofa cushions, which he has learned by bitter experience never to +touch! Does he rouse a quiescent Nemesis by laying his weary head upon +that elaborate embroidery? Not unless his memory is poor. + +[Sidenote: Home Comforts] + +Take careful note of the bric-à-brac upon his library table. See the few +square inches of blotting paper on a cylinder which he can roll over his +letter--the three stamps stuck together more closely than brothers, +generously set aside for his use. Does he find comfort here? Not very +much of it. + +See the dainty dinner which is set before the hungry man. A cup of +rarest china holds four ounces of clear broth. A stick of bread or two +crackers are allotted to him. Then he may have two croquettes, or one +small chop, when his soul is athirst for rare roast beef and steak an +inch thick. Then a nice salad, made of three lettuce leaves and a +suspicion of oil, another cracker and a cubic inch of cheese, an ounce +of coffee in a miniature cup, and behold, the man is fed! + +Why should he go to his club, call loudly for flesh-pots, sink into a +chair he is not afraid of breaking, and forget his trouble in the +evening paper, while his wife is at home, alone, or having a Roman +holiday as a chaperone? + +It is a simple thing to acquire a lover, but it is a fine art to keep +him. Clubs were originally intended for the homeless, as distinguished +from the unmarried. The rare woman who rests and soothes a man when he +is tired has no rival in the club. Misunderstanding, sorrowful, yearning +for what she has lost, woman contemplates the wreck of her girlish +dream. + +[Sidenote: The Heart of a Woman] + +There are three things man is destined never to solve--perpetual motion, +the square of the circle, and the heart of a woman. Yet he may go a +little way into the labyrinth with the thread of love, which his Ariadne +will gladly give him at the door. + +The dim chambers are fragrant with precious things, for through the +winding passages Memory has strewn rue and lavender, love and longing; +sweet spikenard and instinctive belief. Some day, when the heart aches, +she will brew content from these. + +There are barriers which he may not pass, secret treasures that he may +not see, dreams that he may not guess. There are dark corners where +there has been torture, of which he will never know. There are shadows +and ghostly shapes which Penelope has hidden with the fairest fabrics of +her loom. There are doors, tightly locked, which he has no key to open; +rooms which have contained costly vessels, empty and deep with dust. + +There is no other step than his, for he walks there alone; sometimes to +the music of dead days and sometimes to the laughter of a little child. +The petals of crushed roses rustle at his feet--his roses--in the inmost +places of her heart. And beyond, of spotless marble, with the infinite +calm of mountains and perpetual snow, is something which he seldom +comprehends--her love of her own whiteness. + +It is a wondrous thing. For it is so small he could hold it in the +hollow of his hand, yet it is great enough to shelter him forever. All +the world may not break it if his love is steadfast and unchanging, and +loving him, it becomes deep enough to love and pity all the world. + +It is a tender thing. So often is it wounded that it cannot see another +suffer, and its own pain is easier far to bear. It makes a shield of its +very tenderness, gladly receiving the stabs that were meant for him, +forgiving always, and forgetting when it may. + +[Sidenote: The Solace] + +Yet, after all, it is a simple thing. For in times of deepest doubt and +trouble, it requires for its solace only the tender look, the whispered +word which brings new courage, and the old-time grace of the lover's +way. + + + + +The Philosophy of Love + +[Illustration] + + + + +The Philosophy of Love + + +[Sidenote: The Prevailing Theme] + +A modern novelist has greatly lamented because the prevailing theme of +fiction is love. Every story is a love story, every romance finds its +inspiration in the heart, and even the musty tomes of history are beset +by the little blind god. + +One or two men have dared to write books from which women have been +excluded as rigorously as from the Chinese stage, but the world of +readers has not loudly clamoured for more of the same sort. A story of +adventure loses none of its interest if there is some fair damsel to be +rescued from various thrilling situations. + +The realists contend that a single isolated fact should not be dwelt +upon to the exclusion of all other interests, that love plays but a +small part in the life of the average man or woman, and that it is +unreasonable to expand it to the uttermost limits of art. + +Strangely enough, the realists are all men. If a woman ventures to write +a book which may fitly be classed under the head of realism, the critics +charitably unite upon insanity as the cause of it and lament the lost +womanliness of a decadent generation. + +If realism were actually real, we should have no time for books and +pictures. Our days and nights would be spent in reclaiming the people in +the slums. There would be a visible increase in the church fair--where +we spend more than we can afford for things we do not want, in order to +please people whom we do not like, and to help heathen who are happier +than we are. + +[Sidenote: The Root of all Good] + +The love of money is said to be the root of all evil, but love itself is +the root of all good, for it is the very foundation of the social +structure. The universal race for the elusive shilling, which is +commonly considered selfish, is based upon love. + +Money will buy fine houses, but who would wish to live in a mansion +alone! Fast horses, yachts, private cars, and the feasts of Lucullus, +are not to be enjoyed in solitude; they must be shared. Buying jewels +and costly raiment is the purest philanthropy, for it gives pleasure to +others. Sapphires and real lace depreciate rapidly in the cloister or +the desert. + +The envy which luxury sometimes creates is also altruistic in character, +for in its last analysis, it is the wish to give pleasure to others, in +the same degree, as the envied fortunately may. Nothing is happiness +which is not shared by at least one other, and nothing is truly sorrow +unless it is borne absolutely alone. + +[Sidenote: Love] + +Love! The delight and the torment of the world! The despair of +philosophers and sages, the rapture of poets, the confusion of cynics, +and the warrior's defeat! + +Love! The bread and the wine of life, the hunger and the thirst, the +hurt and the healing, the only wound which is cured by another! The +guest who comes like a thief in the night! The eternal question which is +its own answer, the thing which has no beginning and no end! + +The very blindness of it is divine, for it sees no imperfections, takes +no reck of faults, and concerns itself only with the hidden beauty of +the soul. + +It is unselfishness--yet it tolerates no rival and demands all for +itself. It is belief--and yet it doubts. It is hope and it is also +misgiving. It is trust and distrust, the strongest temptation and the +power to withstand it; woman's need and man's dream. It is his enemy and +his best friend, her weakness and her strength; the roses and the +thorns. + +Woman's love affairs begin in her infancy, with some childish play at +sweethearts, and a cavalier in dresses for her hero. It may be a matter +of affinity in later years, or, as the more prosaic Buckle suggests, +dependent upon the price of corn, but at first it is certainly a +question of propinquity. + +Through the kindergarten and the multiplication table, the pretty game +goes on. Before she is thirteen, she decides to marry, and selects an +awkward boy a little older for the happy man. She cherishes him in her +secret heart, and it does not matter in the least if she does not know +him well enough to speak to him, for the good fairies who preside over +earthly destinies will undoubtedly lead The Prince to become formally +acquainted at the proper time. + +[Sidenote: The Self-Conscious Period] + +Later, the self-conscious period approaches and Mademoiselle becomes +solicitous as to ribbons and personal adornment. She pleads earnestly +for long gowns, and the first one is never satisfying unless it drags. +If she can do her hair in a twist "just like mamma's," and see the +adored one pass the house, while she sits at the window with sewing or +book, she feels actually "grown up." + +When she begins to read novels, her schoolmates, for the time being, are +cast aside, because none of them are in the least like the lovers who +stalk through the highly-coloured pages of the books she likes best. The +hero is usually "tall and dark, with a melancholy cast of countenance," +and there are fascinating hints of some secret sorrow. The watchful +maternal parent is apt to confiscate these interesting volumes, but +there are always school desks and safe places in the neighbourhood of +pillows, and a candle does not throw its beams too far. + +The books in which the love scenes are most violent possess unfading +charm. A hero who says "darling" every time he opens his +finely-chiselled mouth is very near perfection. That fondness lasts +well into the after-years, for "darling" is, above all others, the +favourite term of endearment with a woman. + +Were it not for the stern parents and wholesome laws as to age, girls +might more often marry their first loves. It is difficult to conjecture +what the state of civilisation might be, if it were common for people to +marry their first loves, regardless of "age, colour, or previous +condition of servitude." + +[Sidenote: Age and Colour] + +Age and colour are all-important factors with Mademoiselle. She could +not possibly love a boy three weeks younger than herself, and if her +eyes are blue and her hair light, no blondes need apply. + +There is a curious delusion, fostered by phrenologists and other amiable +students of "temperament," to the effect that a brunette must infallibly +fall in love with a blonde and vice versa. What dire misfortune may +result if this rule is not followed can be only surmised, for the +phrenologists do not know. Still, the majority of men are dark and it is +said they do not marry as readily as of yore--is this the secret of the +widespread havoc made by peroxide of hydrogen? + +The lurid fiction fever soon runs its course with Mademoiselle, if she +is let alone, and she turns her attention once more to her schoolmates. +She has at least a dozen serious attacks before she is twenty, and at +that ripe age, is often a little _blasé_. + +[Sidenote: The Pastime and the Dream] + +But the day soon comes when the pretty play is over and the soft eyes +widen with fear. She passes the dividing line between childhood and +womanhood when she first realises that her pastime and her dream have +forged chains around her inmost soul. This, then, is what life holds for +her; it is ecstasy or torture, and for this very thing she was made. + +Some man exists whom she will follow to the end of the world, right +royally if she may, but on her knees if she must. The burning sands of +the desert will be as soft grass if he walks beside her, his voice will +make her forget her thirst, and his touch upon her arm will change her +weariness into peace. + +When he beckons she must answer. When he says "come," she must not stay. +She must be all things to him--friend, comrade, sweetheart, wife. When +the infinite meaning of her dream slowly dawns upon her, is it strange +that she trembles and grows pale? + +Soon or late it comes to all. Sometimes there is terror at the sudden +meeting and Love often comes in the guise of a friend. But always, it +brings joy which is sorrow, and pain which is happiness--gladness which +is never content. + +A woman wants a man to love her in the way she loves him; a man wants a +woman to love him in the way he loves her, and because the thing is +impossible, neither is satisfied. + +[Sidenote: The Strongest Passion] + +Man's emotion is far stronger than woman's. His feeling, when it is +deep, is a force which a woman may but dimly understand. The strongest +passion of a man's life is his love for his sweetheart; woman's greatest +love is lavished upon her child. + +"One is the lover and one is the loved." Sometimes the positions are +reversed, to the misery of all concerned, but normally, man is the +lover. He wins love by pleading for it, and there is no way by which a +woman may more surely lose it, for while woman's pity is closely akin to +Love, man's pity is a poor relation who wears Love's cast-off clothes. + +There are two other ways in which a woman loses her lover. One is by +marrying him and the other by retaining him as her friend. If she can +keep him as her friend, she never believes in his love, and husbands and +lovers are often two very different possessions. + +A man's heart is an office desk, wherein tender episodes are +pigeon-holed for future reference. If he is too busy to look them over, +they are carried off later in Father Time's junk-wagon, like other and +more profane history. + +All the isolated loves of a woman's life are woven into a single +continuous fabric. Love itself is the thing she needs and the man who +offers it seldom matters much. Man loves and worships woman, but woman +loves love. Were it not so, there would be no actor's photograph upon +the matinée girl's dressing-table, and no bit of tender verse would be +fastened to her cushion with a hat pin, while she herself was fancy +free. + +[Sidenote: Gift and Giver] + +All her life long she confuses the gift with the giver, and loving with +the pride of being loved, because her love is responsive rather than +original. + +[Sidenote: The Forgotten Harp] + +She demands that the lover's devotion shall continue after marriage; +that every look shall be tender and every word adoring. Failing this, +she knows that love is dead. She is inevitably disappointed in marriage, +because she is no longer his fear, intoxication, and pain, but rather +his comrade and friend. The vibrant strings, struck from silence and +dreams to a sounding chord, are trembling still--whispering lingering +music to him who has forgotten the harp. + +When a woman once tells a man she loves him, he regards it as some +chemical process which has taken place in her heart and he never +considers the possibility of change. He is little concerned as to its +expression, for he knows it is there. On the contrary, it is only by +expression that a woman ever feels certain of a man's love. + +Doubt is the essential and constant quality of her nature, when once she +loves. She continually demands new proof and new devotion, consoling +herself sometimes with the thought that three days ago he said he loved +her and there has been no discord since. + +As for him, if his comfort is assured, he never thinks to question her, +for men are as blind as Love. If she seems glad to see him and is not +distinctly unpleasant, she may even be a little preoccupied without +arousing suspicion. A man likes to feel that he is loved and a woman +likes to be told. + +The use of any faculty exhausts it. The ear, deafened by a cannon, is +incapable for the moment of hearing the human voice. The eyes, +momentarily blinded by the full glare of the sun, miss the delicate +shades of violet and sapphire in the smoke from a wood fire. We soon +become accustomed to condiments and perfume, and the same law applies to +sentiment and emotion. + +[Sidenote: The Lover's Devotion] + +Thus it seems to women that men love spasmodically--that the lover's +devotion is a series of unrelated acts based upon momentary impulse, +rather than a steady purpose. They forget that the heart may need more +rest than the interval between beats. + +[Sidenote: Attraction and Repulsion] + +If a man and woman who truly loved each other were cast away upon a +desert island, he would tire of her long before she wearied of him. The +sequence of attraction and repulsion, the ultimate balance of positive +and negative, are familiar electrical phenomena. Is it unreasonable to +suppose that the supreme form of attraction is governed by the same law? + +Strong attractions frequently begin with strong repulsions, sometimes +mutual, but more often on the part of the attracting force. A man seldom +develops a violent and inexplicable hatred for a woman and later finds +that it has unaccountably changed to love. + +Yet a woman often marries a man she has sincerely hated, and the +explanation is simple enough, perhaps, for a woman never hates a man +unless he is in some sense her master. Love and hate are kindred +passions with a woman and the depth of the one is the possible measure +of the other. + +She is wise who fully understands her weapon of coquetry. She will send +her lover from her at the moment his love is strongest, and he will +often seek her in vain. She will be parsimonious with her letters and +caresses and thus keep her attraction at its height. If he is forever +unsatisfied, he will always be her lover, for satiety must precede +repulsion. + +No woman need fear the effect of absence upon the man who honestly +loves her. The needle of the compass, regardless of intervening seas, +points forever toward the north. Pitiful indeed is she who fails to be a +magnet and blindly becomes a chain. + +The age has brought with it woman's desire for equality, at least in the +matter of love. She wishes to be as free to seek a man as he is to seek +her--to love him as freely and frankly as he does her. Why should she +withhold her lips after her heart has surrendered? Why should she keep +the pretence of coyness long after she has been won? + +[Sidenote: The Old, Old Law] + +Far beneath the tinsel of our restless age lies the old, old law, and +she who scorns it does so at the peril of all she holds most dear. +Legislation may at times be disobeyed, but never law, for the breaking +brings swift punishment of its own. + +Too often a generous-hearted woman makes the mistake of full revelation. +She wishes him to understand her every deed, her every thought. Nothing +is left to his imagination--the innermost corners of her heart are laid +bare. Given the woman and the circumstances, he would infallibly know +her action. This is why the husbands of the "practical," the +"methodical," and the "reasonable" women may be tender and devoted, but +are never lovers after marriage. + +If Alexander had been a woman, he would not have sighed for more worlds +to conquer--woman asks but one. If his world had been a clever woman he +would have had no time for alien planets, because a man will never lose +his interest in a woman while his conquest is incomplete. + +The woman who is most tenderly loved and whose husband is still her +lover, carefully conceals from him the fact that she is fully won. There +is always something he has yet to gain. + +[Sidenote: A Carmen at Heart] + +After ten years of marriage, if the old relation remains the same, it is +because she is a Carmen at heart. She is alluring, tempting, cajoling +and scorning in the same breath; at once tender and commanding, +inspiring both love and fear, baffling and eluding even while she is +leading him on. + +She gives him veiled hints of her real personality, but he never +penetrates her mask. Could he see for an instant into the secret depths +of her soul, he would understand that her concealment and her coquetry, +her mystery and her charm, are nothing but her love, playing a desperate +game against Time and man's nature, for the dear stake of his own. + +Dumas draws a fine distinction when he says: "A man may have two +passions but never two loves: whoever has loved twice has never loved at +all." If this is true, the dividing line is so exceedingly fine that it +is beyond woman's understanding, and it may be surmised that even man +does not fully realise it until he is old and grey. + +[Sidenote: The Cords of Memory] + +Yet somewhere, in every man's heart, is hidden a woman's face. To that +inner chamber no other image ever finds its way. The cords of memory +which hold it are strong as steel and as tender as the heart-fibre of +which they are made. + +There is no time in his life when those eyes would not thrill him and +those lips make him tremble--no hour when the sound of that voice would +not summon him like a trumpet-call. + +No loyalty or allegiance is powerful enough to smother it within his own +heart, in spite of the conditions to which he may outwardly conform. +Other passions may temporarily hide it even from his own sight, yet in +reality it is supreme, from the day of its birth to the door of his +grave. + +He may be happily married, as the world counts happiness, and She may be +dead--but never forgotten. No real love or hate is wrought upon by +Lethe. The thousand dreams of her will send his blood in passionate flow +and the thousand memories of her whiten his face with pain. Friendship +is intermittent and passion forgets, but man's single love is eternal. + +Because woman's love is responsive, it never dies. Her love of love is +everlasting. Some threads in the fabric she has woven are like shining +silver; others are sombre, broken, and stained with tears. When a man +has once taught a woman to believe his love is true, she is already, +though unconsciously, won. + +All the beauty in woman's life is forever associated with her love. +Violets bring the memory of dead days, when the boy-lover brought them +to her in fragrant heaps. Some women say man's love is selfish, but +there is no one among them who has ever been loved by a boy. + +[Sidenote: Some Lost Song] + +Broken, hesitant chords set some lost song to singing in her heart. The +break in her lover's voice is like another, long ago. Summer days and +summer fields, silver streams, and clouds of apple blossoms set against +the turquoise sky, bring back the Mays of childhood and all the childish +dreams. + +This is another thing a man cannot understand--that every little +tenderness of his wakes the memory of all past tenderness, and for that +very reason is often doubly sweet. This is the explanation of sudden +sadness, of the swift succession of moods, and of lips, shut on sobs, +that sometimes quiver beneath his own. + +Woman keeps alive the old ideals. Were it not for her eager efforts, +chivalry would have died long ago. King Arthur's Court is said to be a +myth, and Lancelot and Guenevere were only dreams, but the knightly +spirit still lives in man's love for woman. + +[Sidenote: The Lady of the Court] + +The Lady of the Court was wont to send her knight into danger at her +sweet, capricious will. Her glove upon his helmet, her scarf upon his +arm, her colours on his shield--were they worth the risk of horse and +spear? Yet the little that she gave him, made him invincible in the +field. + +To-day there is a subtle change. She is loved as dearly as was +Guenevere, but she gives him neither scarf nor glove. Her love in his +heart is truly his shield and his colours are the white of her soul. + +He needs no gage but her belief, and having that, it is a trust only a +coward will betray. The battle is still to the strong, but just as +surely her knight comes back with his shield untarnished, his colours +unstained, and his heart aglow with love of her who gave him courage. + +The centuries have brought new striving, which the Lady of the Court +could never know. The daughter of to-day endeavours to be worthy of the +knightly worship--to be royal in her heart and queenly in her giving; to +be the exquisitely womanly woman he sees behind her faulty clay, so that +if the veil of illusion he has woven around her should ever fall away, +the reality might be even fairer than his dream. + +Through the sombre pages of history the knights and ladies move, as +though woven in the magic web of the Lady of Shalott. Tournament and +shield and spear, the Round Table and Camelot, have taken on the mystery +of fables and dreams. + +[Sidenote: By Grace of Magic] + +Yet, by the grace of magic, the sweet old story lives to-day, +unforgotten, because of its single motive. Elaine still dies for love of +Lancelot, Isolde urges Tristram to new proofs of devotion, and +Guenevere, the beautiful, still shares King Arthur's throne. For +chivalry is not dead--- it only sleeps--and the nobleness and valour of +that far-off time are ever at the service of her who has found her +knight. + + + + +The Lost Art of Courtship + +[Illustration] + + + + +The Lost Art of Courtship + + +[Sidenote: Liberty of Choice] + +Civilisation is so acutely developed at present that the old meaning of +courtship is completely lost. None of the phenomena which precede a +proposal would be deemed singular or out of place in a platonic +friendship. This state of affairs gives a man every advantage and all +possible liberty of choice. + +Our grandparents are scandalised at modern methods. "Girls never did +so," in the distant years when those dear people were young. If a young +man called on grandmother once a week, and she approved of him and his +prospects, she began on her household linen, without waiting for the +momentous question. + +Judging by the fiction of the period and by the delightful tales of old +New England, which read like fairy stories to this generation, the +courtships of those days were too leisurely to be very interesting. +Ten-year engagements did not seem to be unusual, and it was not +considered a social mistake if a man suddenly disappeared for four or +five years, without the formality of mentioning his destination to the +young woman who expected to marry him. + +[Sidenote: Faithful Maidens] + +We have all read of the faithful maidens who kept on weaving stores of +fine linen and making regular pilgrimages for the letter which did not +come. Years afterward, when the man finally appeared, it was all right, +and the wedding went on just the same, even though in the meantime the +recreant knight had married and been bereaved. + +Two or three homeless children were sometimes brought cheerfully into +the story, and assisted materially in the continuation of the +interrupted courtship. The tears which the modern spinster sheds over +such a tale are not at the pathos of the situation, but because it is +possible, even in fiction, for a woman to be so destitute of spirit. + +[Sidenote: Without Saying a Word] + +"In dem days," as Uncle Remus would say, any attention whatever meant +business. Small courtesies which are without significance now were +fraught with momentous import then. In this year of grace, among all +races except our own, there are ways in which a man may definitely +commit himself without saying a word. + +A flower or a serenade is almost equivalent to a proposal in sunny +Spain. A "walking-out" period of six months is much in vogue in other +parts of Europe, but the daughter of the Anglo-Saxon has no such guide +to a man's intentions. + +Among certain savage tribes, if a man is in love with a girl and wishes +to marry her, he drags her around his tent by the hair or administers a +severe beating. It may be surmised that these attentions are not +altogether pleasant, but she has the advantage of knowing what the man +means. + +Flowers are a pretty courtesy and nothing more. The kindly thought which +prompts them may be as transient as their bloom. Three or four men +serenade girls on summer nights because they love to hear themselves +sing. Books, and music, and sweets, which convention decrees are the +only proper gifts for the unattached, may be sent to any girl, without +affecting her indifference to furniture advertisements and January sales +of linen. + +If there is any actual courtship at the present time, the girl does just +as much of it as the man. Her dainty remembrances at holiday time have +little more meaning than the trifles a man bestows upon her, though the +gift latitude accorded her is much wider in scope. + +[Sidenote: Furniture] + +When a girl gives a man furniture, she usually intends to marry him, but +often merely succeeds in making things interesting for the girl who does +it in spite of her. The newly-married woman attends to the personal +belongings of her happy possessor with the celerity which is taught in +classes for "First Aid to the Injured." + +One by one, the cherished souvenirs of his bachelor days disappear. +Pictures painted by rival fair ones go to adorn the servant's room, +through gradual retirement backward. Rare china is mysteriously broken. +Sofa cushions never "harmonise with the tone of the room," and the +covers have to be changed. It takes time, but usually by the first +anniversary of a man's marriage, his penates have been nobly weeded +out, and the things he has left are of his wife's choosing, generously +purchased with his own money. + +Woe to the girl who gives a man a scarf-pin! When the bride returns the +initial call, that scarf-pin adds conspicuously to her adornment. The +calm appropriation makes the giver grind her teeth--- and the bride +knows it. + +In the man's presence, the keeper of his heart and conscience will say, +sweetly: "Oh, my dear, such a dreadful thing has happened! That +exquisitely embroidered scarf you made for Tom's chiffonier is utterly +ruined! The colours ran the first time it was washed. You have no idea +how I feel about it--it was such a beautiful thing!" + +The wretched donor of the scarf attempts consolation by saying that it +doesn't matter. It never was intended for Tom, but as every stitch in it +was taken while he was with her, he insisted that he must have it as a +souvenir of that happy summer. She adds that it was carefully washed +before it was given to him, that she has never known that kind of silk +to fade, and that something must have been done to it to make the +colours run. + +[Sidenote: A Pitched Battle] + +The short-sighted man at this juncture felicitates himself because the +two are getting on so well together. He never realises that a pitched +battle has occurred under his very nose, and that the honours are about +even. + +If Tom possesses a particularly unfortunate flash-light photograph of +the girl, the bride joyfully frames it and puts it on the mantel where +all may see. If the original of the caricature remonstrates, the happy +wife sweetly temporises and insists that it remain, because "Tom is so +fond of it," and says, "it looks just like her." + +Devious indeed are the paths of woman. She far excels the "Heathen +Chinee" in his famous specialty of "ways that are dark and tricks that +are vain." + +Courtship is a game that a girl has to play without knowing the trump. +The only way she ever succeeds at it is by playing to an imaginary trump +of her own, which may be either open, disarming friendliness, or simple +indifference. + +When a man finds the way to a woman's heart a boulevard, he has taken +the wrong road. When his path is easy and his burden light, it is time +for him to doubt. When his progress seems like making a new way to the +Klondike, he needs only to keep his courage and go on. + +For, after all, it is woman who decides. A clever girl may usually marry +any man she sees fit to honour with the responsibility of her bills. The +ardent lover counts for considerably less than he is wont to suppose. + +[Sidenote: The Only One They Know] + +There is a good old scheme which the world of lovers has unanimously +adopted, in order to find out where they stand. It is so simple as to +make one weep, but it is the only one they know. This consists of an +intentional absence, judiciously timed. + +Suppose a man has been spending three or four evenings a week with the +same girl, for a period of two or three months. Flowers, books, and +chocolates have occasionally appeared, as well as invitations to the +theatre. The man has been fed out of the chafing-dish, and also with +accidental cake, for men are as fond of sugar as women, though they are +ashamed to admit it. + +Suddenly, without warning, the man misses an evening, then another, then +another. Two weeks go by, and still no man. The neighbours and the +family begin to ask questions of a personal nature. + +It is at this stage that the immature and childish woman will write the +man a note, expressing regret for his long absence, and trusting that +nothing may interfere with their "pleasant friendship." Sometimes the +note brings the man back immediately and sometimes it doesn't. He very +seldom condescends to make an explanation. If he does, it is merely a +casual allusion to "business." This is the only excuse even a bright man +can think of. + +[Sidenote: "Climbing a Tree"] + +This act is technically known among girls as "climbing a tree." When a +man does it, he wants a girl to bring a ladder and a lunch and plead +with him to come down and be happy, but doing as he wishes is no way to +attract a man up a tree. + +Men are as impervious to tears and pleadings as a good mackintosh to +mist, but at the touch of indifference, they melt like wax. So when her +quondam lover attempts metaphorical athletics, the wise girl smiles and +withdraws into her shell. + +She takes care that he shall not see her unless he comes to her. She +draws the shades the moment the lamps are lighted. If he happens to pass +the house in the evening, he may think she is out, or that she has +company--it is all the same to her. She arranges various evenings with +girl friends and gets books from the library. This is known as +"provisioning the citadel for a siege." + +[Sidenote: Pride and Pride] + +It is a contest between pride and pride which occurs in every courtship, +and the girl usually wins. True lovers are as certain to return as +Bo-Peep's flock or a systematically deported cat. Shame-faced, but +surely, the man comes back. + +Various laboratory note-books yield the same result. A single entry +indicates the general trend of the affair. + +_MAN calls on GIRL after five weeks of unexplained absence. She asks no +questions, but keeps the conversation impersonal, even after he shows +symptoms of wishing to change its character._ + +MAN. (_Finally._) "I haven't seen you for an awfully long time." + +GIRL. "Haven't you? Now that I think of it, it has been some time." + +MAN. "How long has it been, I wonder?" + +GIRL. "I haven't the least idea. Ten days or two weeks, I guess." + +MAN. (_Hastily._) "Oh no, it's been much longer than that. Let's see, +it's"--(_makes great effort with memory_)--"why, it's five weeks! Five +weeks and three days! Don't you remember?" + +GIRL. "I hadn't thought of it. It doesn't seem that long. How time does +fly, doesn't it!" (_Long silence._) + +MAN. "I've been awfully busy. I wanted to come over, but I just +couldn't." + +GIRL. "I've been very busy, too." (_Voluminous detail of her affairs +follows, entirely pleasant in character._) + +MAN. (_Tenderly._) "Were you so busy you didn't miss me?" + +GIRL. "Why, I can't say I missed you, exactly, but I always thought of +you pleasantly." + +MAN. "Did you think of me often?" + +GIRL. (_Laughing._) "I didn't keep any record of it. Do you want me to +cut a notch in the handle of my parasol every time I think of you? If +all my friends were so exacting, I'd have time for nothing else. I'd +need a new one every week and the house would be full of shavings. All +my fingers would be cut, too." + +MAN. (_Unconsciously showing his hand._) "I thought you'd write me a +note." + +[Sidenote: His Short Suit] + +GIRL. (_Leading his short suit._) "You could have waited on your front +steps till the garbage man took you away, and I wouldn't have written +you any note." + +MAN. (_With evident sincerity._) "That's no dream! I could do just +that!" (_Proposal follows in due course, MAN making full and complete +confession._) + +If he is foolish enough to complicate his game with another girl, he +loses much more than he gains, for he lowers the whole affair to the +level of a flirtation, and destroys any belief the girl may have had in +him. He also forces her to do the same thing, in self-defence. +Flirtation is the only game in which it is advisable and popular to +trump one's partner's ace. + +He who would win a woman must challenge her admiration, prove himself +worthy of her regard, appeal to her sympathy--and then wound her. She +is never wholly his until she realises that he has the power to make her +miserable as well as to make her happy, and that love is an infinite +capacity for suffering. + +A man who does it consciously is apt to overdo it, out of sheer +enthusiasm, and if a girl suspects that it is done intentionally, the +hurt loses its sting and changes her love to bitterness. A succession of +attempts is also useless, for a man never hurts a woman twice in exactly +the same way. When he has run the range of possible stabs, she is out of +his reach--unless she is his wife. + +[Sidenote: A State Secret] + +The intentional absence scheme is too transparent to succeed, and +temporary devotion to another girl is definite damage to his cause, for +it indicates fickleness and instability. There is only one way by which +a man may discover his true position without asking any questions, and +that is--a state secret. Now and then a man strikes it by accident, but +nobody ever tells--even brothers or platonic friends. + +Some men select a wife as they would a horse, paying due attention to +appearance, gait, disposition, age, teeth, and grooming. High spirits +and a little wildness are rather desirable than otherwise, if both are +young. Men who have had many horses or many wives and have grown old +with both, have a slight inclination toward sedate ways and domestic +traits. + +[Sidenote: The "Woman's Column"] + +Modern society makes it fully as easy to choose the one as the other. In +communities where the chaperone idea is at its prosperous zenith, a man +may see a girl under nearly all circumstances. The men who conduct the +"Woman's Column" in many pleasing journals are still writing of the +effect it has on a man to catch a girl in curl papers of a morning, +though curl papers have been obsolete for many and many a moon. + +Cycling, golf, and kindred out-door amusements have been the death of +careless morning attire. Uncorseted woman is unhappy woman, and the girl +of whom the versatile journalist writes died long ago. Perhaps it is +because a newspaper man can write anything at four minutes' notice and +do it well, that the press fairly reeks with "advice to women." + +The question, propounded in a newspaper column, "What Kind of a Girl +Does a Man Like Best," will bring out a voluminous symposium which adds +materially to the gaiety of the nation. It would be only fair to have +this sort of thing temporarily reversed--to tell men how to make home +happy for their wives and how to keep a woman's love, after it has once +been given. + +Some clever newspaper woman might win everlasting laurels for herself if +she would contribute to this much neglected branch of human knowledge. +How is a man to know that a shirt-front which looks like a railroad map +diverts one's mind from his instructive remarks? How is he to know that +a cane is a nuisance when he fares forth with a girl? It is true that +sisters might possibly attempt this, but the modern sister is heavily +overworked at present and it is not kind to suggest an addition to her +cares. + +[Sidenote: Neglected By His Kind] + +There is no advice of any sort given to men except on the single subject +of choosing a wife. This is to be found only in the books in the +Sabbath-School library, or in occasional columns of the limited number +of saffron dailies which illuminate the age. Surely, man has been +neglected by his kind! + +[Sidenote: Indecision] + +The general masculine attitude indicates widespread belief in the +promise, "Ask, and ye shall receive." A man will tell his best friend +that he doesn't know whether to marry a certain girl. If she hears of +his indecision there is trouble ahead, if he finally decides in the +affirmative, and it is quite possible that he may not marry her. + +After the door of a woman's heart has once swung on its silent hinges, a +man thinks he can prop it open with a brick and go away and leave it. A +storm is apt to displace the brick, however--and there is a heavy spring +on the door. Woe to the masculine finger that is in the way! + +A man often hesitates between two young women and asks his friends which +he shall marry. Custom has permitted the courtship of both and neither +has the right to feel aggrieved, because it is exceedingly bad form for +a girl to love a man before he has asked her to. + +Now and then a third girl is a man's confidante at this trying period. +Nothing so bores a person as to be a man's "guide, philosopher and +friend" in his perplexities with other girls. To one distinct class of +women men tell their troubles and the other class sees that they have +plenty to tell. It is better to be in the second category than in the +first. + +Sooner or later, the confidante explains the whole affair to the +subjects of the confidence and strange, new kinds of trouble immediately +come to the rash man. It is a common failing to expect another person to +keep a secret which we have just proved is beyond our own capability. + +[Sidenote: The Adamantine Fortress] + +When a man has once deeply wounded a woman's pride, he may just as well +give up his hope of winning her. At that barrier, the little blind god +may plead in vain. Love's face may be sad, his big, sightless eyes soft +with tears, and his helpless hands outstretched in pleading and prayer, +but that stern sentinel will never yield. Wounded love is easily +forgiven, wounded belief sometimes forgotten, but wounded pride--never. +It is the adamantine fortress. There is only one path which leads to the +house of forgiveness--that of understanding, and it is impassable if +woman's pride has come between. + +A girl never knows whether a courtship is in progress or not, unless a +man tells her. He may be interested and amused, but not in love. It is +only in the comic papers that a stern parent waits upon the continuous +caller and demands to know his "intentions," so a girl must, perforce, +be her own guide. + +[Sidenote: The Continuous Caller] + +A man may call upon a girl so constantly and so regularly that the +neighbours daily expect wedding invitations, and the family inquire why +he does not have his trunk sent to the house. Later, quite casually, he +will announce his engagement to a girl who is somewhere else. This +fiancée is always a peculiarly broad-minded girl who knows all about her +lover's attentions to the other and does not in the least object. She +wants him to "have a good time" when he is away from her, and he is +naturally anxious to please her. He wants the other girl to know his +wife--he is sure they will be good friends. + +Lasting feminine friendships are not built upon foundations of that +kind. It is very unfortunate, for the world would be gladdened by many +more than now exist. + +According to geometry, "things which are equal to the same thing are +equal to each other," and it would seem, from the standpoint of pure +reason, that people who are fond of the same people would naturally be +congenial and take pleasure in being together. + +But a sensitive spinster is often grieved when she discovers that her +men friends do not readily assimilate. If she leaves two of them to +entertain each other, the conversation does not flow with desirable +spontaneity. There is no lack of courtesy between them, however, even of +that finer sort which keeps them both there, lest one, by leaving, +should seem to remind his companion that it was late. + +On the contrary, if a man is fond of two different girls, they are +seldom to be seen apart. They exchange long visits regularly and this +thoughtfulness often saves him from making an extra call. + +[Sidenote: A Happy Triumvirate] + +A happy triumvirate is thus formed and the claws of it do not show. +Sometimes it is hard to decide between them, and he cuts the Gordian +knot by marrying someone else, but the friendship is never the same +afterward. The girls are no longer boon companions and when the man +crosses their paths, they manage to convey the impression of great +distance. + +[Sidenote: Narrowed Down to Two] + +In the beginning, almost any number may join in the game, but the +inevitable process of selection eventually narrows it down to two. +Society has given men a little the best of it, but perhaps woman's finer +sight compensates her for the apparent disadvantages--and even Love, who +deals the cards, is too blind to see the fatal consequences of his +mistakes. + + + + +The Natural History of Proposals + +[Illustration] + + + + +The Natural History of Proposals + + +[Sidenote: The Inquiring Spinster] + +There is no subject which presents more difficulties to the inquiring +spinster. Contemporary spinsters, when approached upon the topic, are +anything but encouraging; apparently lacking the ability to distinguish +between impertinent intrusion into their personal affairs and the +scientific spirit which prompts the collection of statistics. + +Married women, when asked to repeat the exact language of the lover at +the happy moment, are wont to transfix the sensitive aspirant for +knowledge with lofty scorn. Mothers are accustomed to dissemble and say +they "have forgotten." Men in general are uncommunicative, though +occasionally some rare soul will expand under the influence of food and +freely give more valuable information than can be extracted from an +indefinite number of women. + +One's own experience is naturally limited, even though proposals +constitute the main joy and excitement of the spinster's monotonous +life. Emerson says: "All is sour if seen as experience," though the +gentle sage was not referring especially to offers of marriage. +Nevertheless, there is a charm about other people's affairs which would +render life beautiful indeed if it could be added to one's own. + +Nothing strengthens a woman's self-confidence like a proposal. One is a +wonder, two a superfluity, and three an epidemic. Four are proof of +unusual charm, five go to the head, and it is a rare girl whom six or +seven will not permanently spoil. + +[Sidenote: Disillusion] + +To the girl fed upon fiction, the first proposal comes in the nature of +a shock. Disillusion follows as a matter of course. Men, evidently, do +not read fiction, or at least do not profit by the valuable hints to be +found in any novel. + +A small book entitled: _How Men Propose_, was eagerly sought by young +women who were awaiting definite experience. This was discovered to be a +collection of proposals carefully selected from fiction. It was done +with care and discernment, but was not satisfying. The natural +inference was that the actual affairs were just like those in the book. + +[Sidenote: "In Books?"] + +Nothing can exceed the grace and tenderness with which men propose--in +books. Such chivalrous worship, such pleasing deference is accorded--in +books! Such pretty pleading, such knightly vows of eternal allegiance, +as are always found--in books! + +The hero of a few years back was wont to make his offer on his knees. He +also haunted the home of the beloved maiden, deeming himself well repaid +for five hours wait if he had a fleeting glimpse of her at the window. +Torn hair was frequent, and refusal drove men to suicide and madness. + +The young women who were the cause of all this trouble were never more +than eighteen or twenty years of age. Mature spinsters of twenty-five +figured as envious deterrents in the happy affair. Many a story-book +marriage has been spoiled by the jealousy of the wrinkled rival of +twenty-five. + +[Sidenote: The First Proposal] + +The violent protestations of the lover in the novel were indeed +something to be awaited with fear and trembling. With her anticipations +aroused by this kind of reading and her eagerness whetted by +interminable years of waiting, Mademoiselle receives her first offer of +marriage. + +She is in doubt, at first, as to whether it is a proposal. It seems like +some dreadful mistake. Where is the courtly manner of the lover in the +book? What is the matter with this red-faced boy? Where is the pretty +pleading, the gracious speech? Why should a lover stammer and confuse +his verbs? + +Mademoiselle recoils in disgust. This, then, is what she has been +waiting for. It is not at all like the book. Her lover is entirely +different from other girls' lovers--so different that he is pathetic. + +Her faith in the gospel of romance is sadly shaken, when the next +experience is a great deal like the first. No one, in the book, could +doubt the lover's meaning. Yet in the halting sentences and confused +metaphors of actual experience, there is sometimes much question as to +what he really means. A girl often has to ask a man if he has just +proposed to her, that she may accept or refuse, in a gracious and proper +way. + +[Sidenote: The Ordeal] + +In a girl's early ideas on the subject, she has much sympathy for the +man who has to undergo the ordeal of asking a woman to be his wife. She +thinks he must contemplate the momentous step for weeks, await the +opportunity with expectant terror, and when his lady is in a happy mood, +recite with fear and trembling, the proposal which he has written out +and learned, appropriately enough, by heart. + +Later, she comes to know that after the first few times, men propose as +thoughtlessly and easily as they dress for dinner, that they devote no +particular study to the art, that constant practice makes them +proficient, and that almost any girl will do when the proposal mood is +on. + +She discovers that they often do it simply to make a pleasing impression +upon a girl, with no thought of acceptance. Many an engagement is more +of a surprise to the man than to anybody else. + +Because fiction comes very near to the heart of woman, she invariably +follows its dictates and shows great astonishment at every proposal. The +women who have been thus surprised are even more rare than days in +June. + +[Sidenote: The False and the True] + +When a man begins to compare a girl to a flower, a baby, or a kitten, +she knows what is coming next. She spends her mental energy in +distinguishing the false from the true--which is sufficient employment +for anyone. There is not enough cerebral tissue to waste much of it upon +unnecessary processes. + +It is very hard to tell whether a man really means a proposal. It may +have been made under romantic circumstances, or because he was lonesome +for the other girl, or, in the case of an heiress, because he was tired +of work. Longing for the absent sweetheart will frequently cause a man +to become engaged to someone near by, because, though absence may make a +woman's heart grow fonder, it is presence that plays the mischief with a +man. No wise girl would accept a man who proposed by moonlight or just +after a meal. The dear things aren't themselves then. + +Food, properly served, will attract a proposal at almost any time, +especially if it is known that the pleasing viands were of the girl's +own making. Cooking and love may seem at first glance to be widely +separated, but no woman can have one without the other. The brotherly +love for all creation, which emanates from the well-fed man, overflows, +concentrates, and naturally becomes a proposal. + +[Sidenote: Written Proposals] + +Other things being equal, a written proposal is apt to be genuine, +especially if it is signed with the full name and address of the writer, +and the date is not omitted. Long and painful experience in the courts +of his country has made man wary of direct evidence. + +But a written proposal is extremely bad form. A girl never can be sure +that her lover did not attempt to fish it out of the letter-box after it +had slipped from his fingers. The author of _How to Be Happy, Though +Married_, once saw a miserable young man attempting to get his +convicting letter back by means of a forked stick. The sight must be +quite common everywhere. Proposing in haste and repenting at leisure is +not by any means unusual. + +Then, too, a girl misses a possible opportunity of seeing a man blush +and stammer. One does not often get a chance to see a man willingly +making himself ridiculous, and the spectacle is worth waiting for. + +[Sidenote: Confusion and Awkwardness] + +Confusion and awkwardness are high trumps with a woman, for they +indicate inexperience and uncertainty. The man who proposes in a +finished and nonchalant manner, as if he had done it frequently and were +sure of the result, is now and then astonished at a refusal. It is also +a risk to offer a ring immediately after acceptance. The suspicion is +that the ring has been worn before, or else the man was sure enough of +the girl to invest heavily in his future. + +Sometimes a man will disclose to a platonic friend the form he +habitually employs in proposals. The hero of battle engagements has +proverbial charm for woman, and the hero of matrimonial engagements is +meat and drink to the spinster athirst for knowledge. + +Feed the man, and when the brotherly love for the entire universe begins +to radiate, approach him gently upon the subject. + +"Why, bless your little heart," the man will say, "of course I'll tell +you about it. Yes, you're right in supposing that I know more about it +than anyone else you know. I've never been refused in my life and I +know I've asked a hundred. I've had medals for that. + +"I always try to make each one different," he will continue. "Girls +sometimes compare notes and it makes it awkward. The girl I'm engaged to +now doesn't know any of my other girls, though, so I'm safe enough. + +[Sidenote: "One of the Best Proposals"] + +"I'll never forget the way I did that. I think it was one of the best +proposals I ever made. She's a mighty pretty little thing,--blue eyes +and black hair,--a regular Irish type. I must tell you first, though, +how I came to know her. + +"The one I was engaged to just before I asked her, had just broken it +off on account of property which her children would lose if she married +again. She was a widow, you know. I've told you about her--the one with +red hair. Between you and me, that's the only woman in God's world my +heart ever went out to. That is the love of my life. Her little girl, +eleven years old, was in love with me, too. She used to tremble when I +kissed her, and was jealous of her mother. But this little girl I'm +engaged to now, why I just love the ground she walks on. + +[Sidenote: "A Very Peculiar Affair"] + +"Well," after a pause, "this was a very peculiar affair. Of course I was +all broken up over losing her--couldn't eat nor sleep--I was a perfect +wreck. This old friend of mine happened along, and he says, 'You'll have +to brace up, old man. Come on out to my house in the country and rest up +a bit.' So I went, and met his daughter. + +"Five days after I met her, I asked him for her hand. I explained it to +him just as I would to my own father, and he understood all right. He's +a fine fellow. He said I could have her. Of course I'd asked her first. + +"Yes--I'm getting to that. I took her out for a walk one afternoon, and +when we came to the river, we sat down to talk. It was a perfect day. I +began by saying how sad it was to see a beautiful flower and to know +that it was out of one's reach, or to see anything beautiful and know +that one never could possess it. I led up to the subject by gentle +degrees, and then I said: 'You must have seen that I love you, and you +know without my telling you, that I want you to be my wife. I don't say +I want you to marry me, because I want you to do more than that--I want +you to be my wife.' (Fine distinction that!) + +"Well, she was very much surprised, of course, but she accepted me all +right. Yes, I told her about the other woman, but in such a way that she +understood it perfectly. Lots of other fellows wanted her and I snatched +the prize from right under their very noses. I don't suppose I'll ever +propose any more now. I'd never propose to you, even if I were free to +do so, because I know you'd refuse me. You'd refuse me, wouldn't you? +Somebody else might just as well have me, if you don't want me." + +[Sidenote: In Spite of Varied Resources] + +Yet in spite of the varied resources at woman's command, we sometimes +hear of one who yearns for the privilege of seeking man in marriage. The +woman who longs for the right to propose is evidently not bright enough +to bring a man to the point. + +Still worse than this, there are cases on record where women, not +reigning queens, have actually proposed to men. The men who are thus +sought in the bonds of matrimony are not slow to tell of it, confining +themselves usually to their own particular circle of men friends. But +the news sometimes filters through man's capacity to keep a secret, and +the knowledge is diffused among interested spinsters. + +[Sidenote: Hints] + +What men term "hints" are not out of place, for the proposal market +would be less active, were it not for "hints." But these are seldom +given in words--unless a man happens to be particularly stupid. + +When the proposal habit is not firmly fastened upon a man, and he begins +to have serious designs upon some one girl, she knows it long before he +does. Incidentally, the family and the neighbours have their suspicions. + +Woman, with her strong dramatic instinct, wishes the proposal to occur +according to accepted rules. Hence, if a man shows symptoms of +whispering the momentous question in a crowd, he is apt to be delicately +discouraged, and if the girl is not satisfied with her own appearance, +there will also be postponement. No girl wants to be proposed to when +her hair is dishevelled, her collar wilted, and her soul distraught by +pestiferous mosquitoes. + +But an ambitious and painstaking girl will arrange the stage for a +proposal, with untiring patience, months before it actually happens. +When she practices assiduously all the morning, that she may execute +difficult passages with apparent ease in the evening, and willingly +turns the freezer that there may be cooling ice opportunely left after +dinner, to "melt if somebody doesn't eat it," she expects something to +happen. + +When the man finally appears, and the little brother marches off like a +well-trained soldier, with two nickels jingling in his pocket, even the +victim might be on his guard. When the family are unceremoniously put +out of the house, and father, mother, and sisters are seen in the summer +twilight, wandering in disconsolate pairs, let the neighbours keep away +from the house under penalty of the girl's lasting hate. + +Sometimes, when the family have been put out, and the common human +interest leads intimate spinster friends to pass the house, there is +nothing to be seen but the girl playing accompaniments for the man while +he sings. + +Yet the initiated know, for if a girl only praises a man's singing +enough, he will most surely propose to her before many moons have +passed. The scheme has a two-fold purpose, because all may see that he +finds the house attractive, and if no engagement is announced, the +entire affair may easily be explained upon musical and platonic grounds. + +[Sidenote: A Formal Proposal] + +Owing to the distorted methods of courtship which prevail at the present +day, a girl may never be sure that a man really cares for her until he +makes a formal proposal. If a man were accepted the minute he proposed, +he would think the girl had been his for some time, and would +unconsciously class her as among those easily won. + +The insinuation that she has been easily won is the thing which is not +to be borne. It may have been simple enough, in fact, but let a man +beware how he trifles with this delicate subject, even after fifty years +of marriage. + +[Sidenote: On Probation] + +Consequently, it is the proper thing to take the matter under advisement +and never to accept definitely without a period of probation. This is +the happiest time of a girl's life. She is absolutely sure of her lover +and may administer hope, fear, doubt, and discouragement to her heart's +content. + +The delicate attentions which are showered upon her are the envy of +every spinster on the street who does not know the true state of the +affair. Sometimes, with indifferent generosity, she divides her roses +and invites the less fortunate to share her chocolates. This always +pleases the man, if he knows about it. + +Also, because she is not in the least bound, she makes the best of this +last freedom and accepts the same courtesies from other men. Nothing is +so well calculated to sound the depths of original sin in man's nature, +as to find his rival's roses side by side with his, when a girl has him +on probation. And he never feels so entirely similar to an utter idiot, +as when he sees a girl to whom he has definitely committed himself, +flirting cheerfully with two or three other men. + +Woe be to him if he remonstrates! For Mademoiselle is testing him with +this end in view. If he complains bitterly of her outrageous behaviour, +she dismisses him with sorrowful dignity, jealousy being the one thing +she cannot tolerate in men. + +[Sidenote: Opportunity for Fine Work] + +There is opportunity for fine work in the situation which the young +woman immediately develops. A man may take his choice of the evils which +lie before him, for almost anything may happen. + +He may complain, and if he shows anger, there is war. If he betrays +jealousy, there is trouble which marriage will accentuate, rather than +lessen. If he shows concern because his beloved is so fickle, and +insinuates that so unstable a person will not make a good wife, he +touches pride in a vital spot and his cause is no more. Let him be +manfully unconcerned; as far above jealousy and angry reproach as a St. +Bernard is above a kitten--and Mademoiselle is his. + +Philosophers laugh at woman's fickleness, but her constancy, when once +awakened, endures beyond life and death, and sometimes beyond betrayal. +But this is not to be won by a jealous man, for jealousy is the +mother-in-law of selfishness, and a woman never permits a man to rival +her in her own particular field. + +[Sidenote: Another Danger] + +If a man safely passes the test of probation, there is yet another +danger which lies between him and the realisation of his ambition. This +is the tendency of women to conduct excavations into a man's previous +affairs. + +He needs the wisdom of the serpent at this juncture, for under the +smiling sweetness a dagger is often concealed. If the point is allowed +to show during an engagement, the whole blade will frequently flash +during marriage. + +"Yes, dearest," a man will say, tenderly, "I have loved before, but that +was long ago--long before I met you. She was beautiful, tall, dark, +majestic, with a regal nature like herself--Good Heavens, how I loved +her!" + +This is apt to continue for some little time, if a man gets thoroughly +interested in his subject and thinks he is talking rather well, before +he discovers that his petite blonde divinity is either a frozen statue, +or a veritable Niobe as to tears. And not one man in three hundred and +nineteen ever suspects what he has done! + +[Sidenote: The Thought of Defection] + +A woman is more jealous of the girls a man has loved, whom she has never +seen, than of any number of attractive rivals. In the blind adoration +which he yields her, she takes no thought of immediate defection, for +her smile always makes him happy--her voice never loses its mystic power +over his senses. + +On the contrary, a man never stoops to be jealous of the men who have +pleaded in vain for what he has won, nor even of possible fiancés whom +later discretion has discarded. He is sure of her at the present moment +and his doubt centres itself comfortably upon the future, which is +always shadowy and unreal to a man, because he is less imaginative than +woman. + +And yet--there is no more dangerous companion for a woman than the man +who has loved her. It is easier to waken a woman's old love than to +teach her a new affection. Strangely enough, the woman a man has once +loved and then forgotten is powerless in the after years. A man's dead +friendship may dream of resurrection, but never his dead love. + +Jealousy and distrust have never yet won a doubting heart. Bitterness +never accomplishes miracles which sweetness fails to do. Too often men +and women spend their time in wondering why they are not loved, trying +various schemes and pitiful experiments, and passing by the simple +method of trying to be lovable and unconscious of self. + +[Sidenote: "The Milk of Human Kindness"] + +"The milk of human kindness" seldom produces cream, but there is only +one way by which love may be won or kept. Perfection means a continual +shifting of standards and must ever be unattainable, but the man or +woman who is simply lovable will be wholly taken into other +hearts--faults and all. + +Now and then a man's love is hopeless, from causes which are innate and +beyond control. Sometimes regret strikes deep and lasts for more than a +day, as in the pages of the story books which women love to read. +Sometimes, too, a tender-hearted woman, seeing far into the future, will +do her best to spare a fellow-creature pain. + +[Sidenote: The Wine of Conquest] + +But this is the exception, rather than the rule. The average woman +regards a certain number of proposals as but a just tribute to her own +charm. Sometimes she sees what she has unconsciously done when it is too +late to retreat, but even then, though pity, regret, and honest pain +may result from it, there is one effect more certain still--the +intoxication of the wine of conquest, against which no woman is proof. + + + + +Love Letters: Old and New + +[Illustration] + + + + +Love Letters: Old and New + + +[Sidenote: The Average Love Letter] + +The average love letter is sufficient to make a sensitive spinster weep, +unless she herself is in love and the letter be addressed to her. The +first stage of the tender passion renders a man careless as to his +punctuation, the second seriously affects his spelling, and in the last +period of the malady, his grammar develops locomotor ataxia. The single +blessedness of school-teachers is largely to be attributed to this +cause. + +A real love letter is absolutely ridiculous to everyone except the +writer and the recipient. A composition, which repeats the same term of +endearment thirteen times on a page, has certainly no particular claim +to literary art. + +When a man writes a love letter, dated, and fully identified by name and +address, there is no question but that he is in earnest. A large number +of people consider nothing so innocently entertaining as love letters, +read in a court-room, with due attention to effect, by the counsel for +the other side. + +Affairs of that kind are given scarlet headlines in the saffron +journals, and if the letters are really well done, it means the sale of +an "extra." No man can hope to write anything which will possess such +general interest as his love letters. If Shakespeare had written +voluminously to his sweetheart--to any of his sweethearts--and the +letters should be found by this generation, what a hue and cry would be +raised over his peaceful ashes! + +[Sidenote: Sins of Commission] + +Doing the things which ought not to be done never loses fascination and +charm. The rare pleasure thus obtained far exceeds the enjoyment of +leaving undone things which ought to be done. Sins of commission are far +more productive of happiness than the sins of omission. + +[Sidenote: For Posterity] + +Thus people whose sense of honour would not permit them to read an open +letter which belonged to someone else will go by thousands to purchase +the published letters of some famous man. Dr. Arbuthnot, in speaking of +the publication of letters, said that it added a new terror to death, so +true it is that while a man may think for the present, he unavoidably +writes for posterity. + +No passion is too sacred to be hidden from the eagle eye of the public. +The death of anyone of more than passing fame is followed by a volume of +"letters." It is pathetic to read these posthumous pages, which should +have been buried with the hands that wrote them, or consigned to the +never-failing mercy of the flames. + +Burial has not always sufficed. The manuscript of one well-known book of +poems was buried with the lady to whom they were written, but in later +years her resting-place was disturbed, with the consent of her lover, +for this very manuscript. + +Her golden hair had grown after her death, and was found closely +entwined with the written pages--so closely that it had to be cut. The +loving embrace which Death would not break was rudely forced to yield. +Even in her "narrow house" she might not keep her love letters in peace, +since the public wanted to read what had been written for her alone and +the publisher was waiting for "copy." + +[Sidenote: Letters in a Grave] + +In a paper of the _Tatler_, written by Addison or Steele, or possibly +by both, is described a party in a country village which is suddenly +broken into confusion by the entrance of the sexton of their parish +church, fresh from the digging of a grave. The sexton tells the +merrymakers how a chance blow of his pickaxe has opened a decayed +coffin, in which are discovered several papers. + +These are found to be the love letters received by the wife of Sir +Thomas Chichley, one of the admirals of King William. Most of the +letters were ruined by damp and mould, but "here and there," says the +_Tatler_, "a few words such as 'my soul,' 'dearest,' 'roses,' and 'my +angel,' still remained legible, resisting the corrupting influence of +Time." + +One of these letters in a grave, which Lady Chichley had requested might +be buried with her in her coffin, was found entire, though discoloured +by the lapse of twenty years. Its words were these: + +"Madam: + +"If you would know the greatness of my love, consider that of your own +beauty. That blooming countenance, that snowy bosom, that graceful +person, return every moment to my imagination; the brightness of your +eyes hindered me from closing mine since I last saw you. You may still +add to your beauties by a smile. A frown will make me the most wretched +of men, as I am the most passionate of lovers." + +[Sidenote: The Advertisement] + +Death is the advertisement, at the end of an autobiography, wherein +people discover its virtues. The public which refused a bare subsistence +to the living genius will make his children comfortable by generously +purchasing his letters, which were never meant for them. + +The pathetic story of the inner struggle, which would have crucified the +sensitive soul were it known to any save his dearest friends, is proudly +blazoned forth--in print! Hopes and fears and trials are no longer +concealed. Illness, poverty, and despair are given rubricated pages. The +sorrowful letter to a friend, asking for five or ten dollars, is +reproduced in facsimile. + +[Sidenote: The Soldier of the World] + +That it shows the human side of the genius is no excuse for the +desecration. What of the sunny soul who always sang courage, while he +himself was suffering from hope deferred! What of him who wrote in an +attic, often hungry for his daily bread, and took care to give the +impression of warmth and comfort! Why should his stern necessity be +disclosed to the public that would not give him bread in return for his +songs? It is enough to make the gallant soldier of the world turn +uneasily in his grave. + +In this way a bit of the greatness so bravely won is often lost, and +sometimes illusions are dispelled which all must regret. For years, we +have read with delight Mrs. Browning's exquisite poem beginning: + + "I have a name, a little name + Uncadenced for the ear." + +Throughout the poem there is no disclosure, but, so sure is her art, +that there is no sense of loss or wonder. But the pitiless searchlight +of the century is turned upon the Browning love letters, and thus we +learn that Mrs. Browning's pet name was _Ba_! + +Pretty enough, perhaps, when spoken by a lover and a poet, or in shaded +nooks, to the music of Italian streams, but quite unsuited to the +present, even though it were to be read only by lovers equally fond. + + "Though I write books, it will be read + Upon the page of none--" + +Poor Mrs. Browning! Little did she know! + +[Sidenote: With the Future in View] + +There have been some, no doubt, who have written with the future in +view, though Abelard, who broke a woman's heart, could not have foreseen +that his only claims to distinction would rest upon his letters to +loving, faithful Héloise. The life which was to be too great for her to +share is remembered now only because of her. Mocking Fate has brought +the wronged woman an exquisite revenge. + +That delightful spendthrift and scapegrace, Richard Steele, has left a +large number of whimsical letters, addressed to the lady he married. She +might possibly object to their publication, but not Steele! Indeed, she +was a foolish woman to keep this letter: + +"Dear Prue: + +"The afternoon coach will bring you ten pounds. Your letter shows that +you are passionately in love with me. But we must take our portion of +life without repining and I consider that good nature, added to the +beautiful form God has given you, would make our happiness too great for +human life. Your most obliged husband and most humble servant, + + Rich. Steele." + +Alexander Pope was another who wrote for posterity. In spite of his +deformity, he appears to have been touched to the heart by women, but +vanity and selfishness tinged all of his letters. + +[Sidenote: Systematic Lovers] + +Robert Burns was a systematic lover of anything in petticoats, and has +left such a mass of amatory correspondence that his biographer was +sorely perplexed. There could not have been a pretty maid in the British +Isles, to whom chance had been kind, who had not somewhere the usual +packet of love letters from "Bobby" Burns. + +Laurence Sterne was no less generous with his affection, if the stories +are true. At twenty, he fell in love with Elizabeth Lumley, and from his +letters to her, one might easily fancy that love was a devastating and +hopeless disease. There was a pretty little "Kitty" who claimed his +devotion, and countless other affairs, before "Eliza" appeared. "Eliza" +was a married woman and apparently the last love of the heart-scarred +Sterne. + +[Sidenote: Left by the Dead] + +No earthly thing is so nearly immortal as a love letter, and nothing is +so sorrowful as those left by the dead. The beautiful body may be dust +and all but forgotten, while the work of the loving hands lives on. Even +those written by the ancient Egyptians are seemingly imperishable. The +clay tablet on which one of the Pharaohs wrote a love letter, asking the +hand of a foreign princess, is to-day in the British Museum. + +The first time a woman cries after she is married, she reads over all +the love letters the other men have written her, for a love letter is +something a tender-hearted woman cannot bring herself to destroy. + +[Sidenote: The New Child] + +The love letters of the man she did not marry still possess lingering +interest. The letters of many a successful man of affairs are still +hidden in the treasure-box of the woman he loved, but did not marry. +Both have formed other ties and children have risen up to call them +blessed, or whatever the children may please, for even more dreadful +than the new woman is the new child. Between them, they are likely to +produce a new man. + +The new child is apt to find the letters and read them aloud to the +wrong people, being most successfully unexpected and inopportune. A box +of old letters, distributed sparingly at the doors of mutual friends, is +the distinguishing feature of a lovely game called "playing postman." +Social upheavals have occurred from so small a cause as this. + +It sometimes happens, too, that when a girl has promised to marry a man +and the wedding day is set, she receives from a mutual friend a package +of faded letters and a note which runs something like this: + +"My Dear: + +"Now that my old friend's wedding day is approaching, I feel that I have +no longer the right to keep his letters. They are too beautiful and +tender to be burned and I have not the heart to make that disposition of +them. Were I to return them to him, he would doubtless toss them into +the fire, and I cannot bear to have them lost. + +"So, after thinking about it for some time, I have concluded to send +them to you, who are the rightful keeper of his happiness, as well as of +his letters. I trust that you may find a place for these among those +which he has addressed to you. Wishing you all happiness in the future, +believe me to be + +"Very sincerely and affectionately yours." + +[Sidenote: On the Firing Line] + +The dainty and appropriate wedding gift is not often shown to the happy +man, but every page and every line is carefully read. Now and then the +bride-elect advances boldly to the firing line and writes a letter of +thanks after this fashion: + +"It is very sweet and thoughtful of you, my dear friend, to send me the +letters. Of course I shall keep them in with mine, though I have but +few, for the dear boy has never been able to leave me for more than a +day, since first we met. + +"Long before we became engaged, he made me a present of your letters to +him, which he said were well worth the reading, and indeed, I have +found them so. I shall arrange them according to date and sequence, +though I observe that you have written much more often than he--I +suppose because we foolish women can never say all we want to in one +letter and are compelled to add postscripts, sometimes days apart. + +"Believe me, I fully appreciate your wishes for our happiness. I trust +you may come to us often and see how your hopes are fulfilled. With many +thanks for your loving thought of me, as ever, + +Affectionately yours." + +[Sidenote: If a Girl is in Love] + +If a girl is in love, she carries the last letter inside her shirt-waist +in the day time, and puts it under her pillow at night, thereby +expecting dreams of the beloved. + +But the dispenser of nocturnal visions delights in joking, and though +impalpable arms may seem to surround the sleeping spinster and a tender +kiss may be imprinted upon her lips, it is not once in seventeen days +that the caresses are bestowed by the writer of the letter. It is a +politician whose distorted picture has appeared in the evening paper, +some man the girl despises, the postman, or worse yet, the tramp who has +begged bread at the door. + +[Sidenote: When a Man is in Love] + +When a man is in love, he carries the girl's last letter in his pocket +until he has answered it and has another to take its place. He stoops to +no such superstition as placing it under his pillow. Neither is it read +as often as his letters to her. + +A woman never really writes to the man she loves. She simply records her +fleeting moods--her caprice, her tenderness, and her dreams. Because of +this, she is often misunderstood. If the letter of to-day is different +from that of yesterday, her lover, in his heart at least, accuses her of +fickleness. + +A man's letters to a girl are very frequently shown to her most intimate +friend, if they are sufficiently ardent, but a man never shows the +letters of a woman he truly cares for, unless he feels the need of some +other masculine intellect to assist him in comprehending the lady of his +heart. + +"Nothing feeds the flame like a letter. It has intent, personality, +secrecy." But that is love indeed which stands the test of long +separation--and letters. + +[Sidenote: A Single Drop of Ink] + +With a single drop of ink for a mirror, the old Egyptian sorcerer +promised to reveal the past and foretell the future. The single drop of +ink with which a lover writes may sadly change the blissful future of +which he dreams. + +The written word is so sadly different from that which is spoken! The +malicious demon concealed in the ink bottle delights in wrecking love. +Misunderstandings and long silences follow in rapid succession, +tenderness changes to coldness, and love to bitter regret. + +Someone has said that the true test of congeniality is not a matter of +tastes, but of humour. If two people find the same things amusing, their +comradeship is a foregone conclusion, but even so, it requires unusual +insight to distinguish the playful parts of a letter from the serious +passages. If the separated lovers would escape the pit of destruction, +let all jokes be plainly marked with a cross or a star. + +A letter is an unfair thing. It follows its own mood blindly without +reference to others. If penned in sadness it often makes a sunny day a +cloudy one, and if written in jest it may be as inopportune as mirth at +a funeral. + +[Sidenote: Misunderstood] + +A letter betraying anger and hurt pride may often crystallise a yielding +mood into determination and summon evil spirits which love cannot +banish. The letter asking forgiveness may cross the path of the one +which puts an end to everything. It would seriously test the power of +the Egyptian to foretell what might result from a single letter, written +in all love and tenderness, perhaps, but destined to be completely +misunderstood. + +Old love letters often mean tears, because they have been so wrongly +read. Later years, with fine irony, sometimes bring new understanding of +the loving heart behind the faulty lines. After all, it is the +inexpressible atmosphere of a letter which is felt, rather than the +meaning which the phrases ostensibly convey. + + +[Sidenote: The Postman] + +Tender secrets are concealed in the weather-worn bag of the postman. The +lovers may hide their hearts from all but him. Parents, guardians, and +even mature maiden aunts may be successfully diverted, but not the +postman! + +He knows that the girl who eagerly watches for him in the morning has +more than a passing interest in the mail. He knows where her lover is, +how often he writes, when she should have a letter, and whether all is +well. + +Sometimes, too, he knows that it is better to take a single letter to +the house three or four times in succession, rather than to leave it in +the hands of one to whom it is not addressed. + +Blessed be the countless Cupids in the uniform of the postal service! +The little blind god is wont to assume strange forms, apparently at +will. But no stern parent could suspect that his sightless eyes were +concealed behind the spectacles of a sedate postman, nor that his wicked +arrows were hidden under piles of letters. + +The uninitiated wonder "what there is to write about." A man may have +seen a girl the evening before, and yet a bulky letter comes in the +afternoon. And what mysterious interest can make one write three or four +times a week? + +Where is the girl whose love letter was left in pawn because she could +not find her purse? The grizzled veteran never collects the "two cents +due" on the love letters that are a little overweight. He would not put +a value upon anything so precious, and he is seldom a cynic--perhaps +because, more than anyone else, he is the dispenser of daily joy. + +The reading of old love letters is in some way associated with +hair-cloth trunks, mysterious attics, and rainy days. The writers may be +unknown and the hands that laid them away long since returned to dust, +but the interest still remains. + +[Sidenote: Dead Roses] + +Dead roses crumble to ashes in the gentle fingers that open the long +folded pages--the violets of a forgotten spring impart a delicate +fragrance to the yellowed spot on which they lay. The ink is faded and +the letter much worn, as though it had lain next to some youthful +breast, to be read in silence and solitude until the tender words were +graven upon the heart in the exquisite script of Memory. + +The phrasing has a peculiar quaintness, old fashioned, perhaps, but with +a grace and dignity all its own. Through the formal, stately sentences +the hidden sweetness creeps like the crimson vine upon the autumn +leaves. Brave hearts they had, those lovers of the past, who were making +a new country in the wilderness, and yet there was an unsuspected +softness--the other "soul side" which even a hero may have, "to show a +woman when he loves her." + +There are other treasures to be found with the letters--old +daguerreotypes, in ornate cases, showing the girlish, sweet face of her +who is a grandmother now, or perhaps a soldier in the trappings of war, +the first of a valiant line. + +There are songs which are never sung, save as a quavering lullaby to +some mite who will never remember the tune, and fragments of nocturnes +or simple melodies, which awaken the past as surely as the lost shell +brings to the traveller inland the surge and thunder of the distant sea. + +[Sidenote: The Mysteries of Life and Death] + +All the mysteries of life and death are woven in with the letters; those +pathetic remembrances which the years may fade but never destroy. There +are old school books, dog-eared and musty, scraps of rich brocade and +rustling taffeta, the yellowed sampler which was the daily trial of +some little maid, and the first white robe of someone who has grown +children of his own. + +[Sidenote: Memory's Singing] + +Give Memory an old love letter and listen to her singing. There is quiet +at first, as though she were waiting for some step to die away, or some +childish laughter to cease. Then there is a hushed arpeggio, struck from +strings which are old and worn, but sweet and tender still. + +Sometimes the song is of an old farmhouse on the western plains, where +life meant struggle and bitter privation. Brothers and sisters, in the +torn, faded clothes which were all they had; father's tremulous "God +bless you," when someone went away. Mother's never-ending toil, and the +day when her roughened hands were crossed upon her breast, at rest for +the first time, while the children cried in wonder and fear. + +Then the plaintive minor swells for a moment into the full major chord, +when Love, the King, in royal purple, took possession of the desolate +land. Corn huskings and the sound of "Money Musk," scarlet ears and +stolen kisses under the harvest moon, youth and laughter, and the +eternal, wavering hope for better things. Long years of toil, with +interludes of peace and divine content, little voices, and sometimes a +little grave. Separation and estrangement, trust and misgiving, +heartache and defeat. + +[Sidenote: A Magic in the Strings] + +The tears may start at Memory's singing, but as the song goes on there +comes peace, for there is a magic in the strings which changes sadness +into something sweet. Memory's eyes are deep and tender and her heart is +full of compassion. So the old love letters bring happiness after +all--like the smile which sometimes rests upon the faces of the dead. + + + + +An Inquiry into Marriage + +[Illustration] + + + + +An Inquiry into Marriage + + +[Sidenote: Like a Grape] + +Marriage appears to be somewhat like a grape. People swallow a great +deal of indifferent good for the sake of the lurking bit of sweetness +and never know until it is too late whether the venture was wise. + +Chaucer compared it to a crowded church. Those left on the outside are +eager to get in, and those caught inside are straining every nerve to +get out. There are many, in this year of grace, who have safely made +their escape, but, unfortunately, the happy ones inside say little about +it, and do not seem anxious to get out. + +Fate takes great pleasure in confusing the inquiring spinster. Some of +the disappointed ones will advise her never to attempt it, and in the +voluble justification which follows, she sees clearly that the discord +was not entirely caused by the other. Her friends, who have been married +a year or so, regard her with evident pity, and occasionally suggest, +delicately enough, to be sure, that she could never have had a proposal. + +[Sidenote: The Consistent Lady] + +Among her married friends who are more mature, there is usually one who +chooses her for a confidant. This consistent lady will sob out her +unhappiness on the girl's shoulder, and the next week ask her why she +doesn't get married. Sometimes she invites the girl to her house to meet +some new and attractive man--with the memory of those bitter tears still +in her heart. + +A girl often loses a friend by heartily endorsing the things the weeper +says of her husband. The fact that he is an inconsiderate brute is +frequently confided to the kindly surface of a clean shirt-waist, +regardless of laundry bills. The girl remarks dispassionately that she +has noticed it; that he never considers the happiness of his wife, and +she doesn't see how the tearful one stands it. Behold the instant and +painful transformation! It is very hard to be a popular spinster when +one has many married friends. + +That interesting pessimist, Herr Arthur Schopenhauer, advocates +universal polygamy upon the theory that all women would thus be +supported. To the unprejudiced observer who reads the comic papers and +goes to afternoon receptions, it would seem that each woman should have +several husbands, to pay her bills and see that she is suitably escorted +to various social affairs. + +[Sidenote: Seven Husbands] + +If a woman had seven husbands, for instance, it is possible that some +one of them would be willing to take her out whenever she wanted to go. +If she yearned for a sealskin coat or a diamond pin and no one of them +was equal to the occasion, a collection could be taken up. Two or three +might contribute to the good cause and be so beautifully rewarded with +smiles and favourite dishes that the remainder of the husbands would be +inspired to do something in the same line. + +At least five of them could go out every night in the week. The matter +could be arranged according to a simple system of rotation, or they +might draw lots. There could be a club-room in the house, where they +might smoke without affecting the curtains and Madam's temper. Politics +and poker make more widows than war, but no woman could find it in her +heart to object to the innocent pastime under such happy circumstances, +because she would be deprived of nothing--not even her husband's +society. Six of them might play, while the other read to their wife, and +those who won could buy some lovely new china for the house. + +The sweetness of the lady of their several hearts would be increased +seven-fold, while her frowns would be equally divided among them. There +would be a large and enviable freedom accorded everyone. There would +always be enough at home so dinner need not wait, and Madam would be +spared one great annoyance. If the servants left suddenly, as is not +unusual, there would be men enough to cook a dinner Epicurus might envy, +each one using his own chafing-dish. Men make better cooks than women +because they put so much more feeling into it. + +The spirit of gentle rivalry, which would thus be developed, is well +worth considering. Some one of the seven would always be a lover. To +sustain the old relation continuously after marriage undoubtedly +requires gifts of tact and temperament which are not often vouchsafed +to men, and this would not prove so irksome if the tender obligation +were shared. Marriage would no longer be the cold potato of love. + +Different men always admire different qualities of the same woman, and +the beauty of the much-married lady would be developed far beyond that +of her who had only one husband, because a recognised virtue is +stimulated. + +If a man admires a woman's teeth, she gets new kinds of dentifrice and +constantly endeavours to add to their whiteness. If he speaks +approvingly of her hair, various tonics are purchased. If he alludes to +her mellow voice, she tries conscientiously to make it more beautiful +still. + +There is a suspected but not verified relation between a man's affection +and his digestion. With this ideal method of marriage in force, the +dyspeptics could go off by themselves until they felt better, and not be +bothered with tender inquiries concerning their health. If the latch key +unaccountably refused to work at two o'clock in the morning, some other +member of the husband could always assist the absent ones in, and Madam +would never know how many were late. + +[Sidenote: The Financial Burden] + +The financial burden would indeed be light. The household expenses might +be divided equally and relieving the wife's necessities would be the +happiness of all. One might assume the responsibility of her gowns, +another of her hats and gloves, another might keep her supplied with +bonbons, matinée tickets, flowers, and silk stockings, another might +attend to her jackets and her club dues, her jewels might be the care of +another, and so on. It would be the joy of all of them to see their +peerless wife well dressed, and when she wanted anything in particular, +she need only smile sweetly upon the one whose happy lot it was to have +charge of that department of expense. + +There would be no friction, no discord. Madam would be blissfully +content, and men have claimed for years that they could live together +much more amicably than women, and that they never quarrel among +themselves, save in rare instances. This, they say, is because they are +so liberal in their views, but a great many men are so broad-minded that +it makes their heads flat. + +It is strange that this happy form of polygamy did not occur to Herr +Schopenhauer. It may be because he was a pessimist--and a man. + +[Sidenote: The Most Nervous Time] + +The most nervous time of a man's life is the day of his wedding. The +bachelors and benedicts give different reasons for this when they are +gently approached upon the subject, but the majority admit, with lovable +and refreshing conceit, that it is because of their innate modesty and +their aversion to conspicuous prominence. + +If this is truly the reason, the widespread fear may be much lessened, +for in the grand matrimonial pageant, the man is the most obscure member +of the procession. People are not apt to think of him at all until the +ceremony is over and the girl has a new name. What he wears is of no +consequence, and he has no wedding gifts, though he may be remembered +for a moment if he gives a diamond star to the bride. Yet it is this +ceremony which changes him from a vassal to a king. Before marriage he +is a low and useless trump, but afterward he is ace high in the game. + +[Sidenote: A Trip Down Town] + +A latter-day philosopher has beautifully likened marriage to a trip +down-town. A man leaves the house in the morning, his mind already +active concerning the affairs of the day. His newspaper is in his +pocket, he has plenty of time to reach the office, and his breakfast has +begun to assimilate. Suddenly he sees a yellow speck on the horizon. + +He calculates the distance to the corner and quickens his pace, his eyes +nobly fixed meanwhile upon the goal of his ambition. Anxiety develops, +then fear. At last he surrenders all dignity and gallops madly toward +the approaching car, with his coat tails spread to the morning breeze +and tears in his eyes. Out of breath, but triumphant, he swings on just +as farther pursuit seemed well-nigh hopeless. + +Does he stop to chat cheerily with the conductor? Does he dwell upon the +luxurious aspect of his conveyance? Does the comfort which he has just +secured fill his heart with gladness? Does the plush covering of the +seat appeal to his æsthetic sense? No mere woman may ever hope to know, +for he grudgingly gives the conductor five pennies, one of them badly +battered and the date beaten out of it--and devotes himself to his +paper. + +[Sidenote: The Masculine Mental Process] + +The thing which appears unattainable is ever desired by man. A girl who +wears an engagement ring upon her finger has a charm for which the +unattached sigh in vain. The masculine mental process in such a case, +briefly summarised, is something like this. + +I. "Wonder who that girl is over there? Red hair and quite a bit of +style. Never cared much for red hair--suppose she's got freckles too. +Now she's coming this way. Why, there's a solitaire on her finger; she's +engaged. Well, he can have her--I won't cut him out. Wonder who she is! + +II. "Really, she isn't so bad--I've seen worse. She knows how to dress, +and she hasn't so many freckles. Brown eyes--that means temper when +associated with red hair. Must be quite a little trick to tame a girl +like that. She doesn't look as though she were quite subdued. + +III. "He probably doesn't know how to manage her. I could train her all +right. I wouldn't mind doing it; I haven't anything much on hand in the +girl line. So that's the cad she's engaged to? Poor little girl! + +IV. "I feel sorry for that girl, I honestly do. She's throwing herself +away. She can't love that fellow. She'll get over it when she's married, +and be miserable all the rest of her life. I suppose I ought to save her +from him. I think I'll talk to her about it, but it will have to be done +cautiously. + +V. "Fine young woman, that. Broad-minded, bright, vivacious, and not +half bad to look at. Seemed to take my advice in good part. Those great, +deep brown eyes are pathetic. That's the kind of a girl to be shielded +and guarded from all the hard knocks in the world. + +VI. "The more I see of that girl, the more I think of her. Those Frenchy +touches of dress and that superb red hair make her beautiful. I always +did like red hair. Honestly, I think she's the prettiest girl I ever +saw. And her womanliness matches her beauty. Any man might be proud of +winning a girl like that. + +VII. "The irony of Fate! The one soul in all the universe that is deep +enough to comprehend mine, the peerless queen of womankind, she for +whom I have waited all my life, is pledged to another! I shall go mad if +I bear this any longer. I simply must have her. 'All is fair in love and +war'--I'll go and ask her!" + +[Sidenote: Gold-Brick Tactics] + +When one man alludes to another as a "confidence man," it is no +distinguishing mark, for they instinctively adopt gold-brick tactics +when seeking woman in marriage. + +Those exquisite hands shall never perform a single menial task! Yet, +after marriage, Her Ladyship finds that she is expected to be a cook, +nurse, housekeeper, seamstress, chambermaid, waitress, and practical +plumber. This is an unconscious tribute to the versatility of woman, +since a man thinks he does well if he is a specialist in any one line. + +Her slightest wish shall be his law! Yet not only are wishes of no +avail, but even pleading and prayer fall upon deaf ears. It will be his +delight to see that she wants for nothing, yet she is reduced to the +necessity of asking for money--even for carfare--and a man will do for +his bicycle what his wife would ask in vain. + +Many of the matrimonial infelicities of which both men and women +bitterly complain may be traced to the gold-brick delusion. A woman +marries in the hope of having a lover and discovers, too late, that she +merely has a boarder who is most difficult to please. + +[Sidenote: A Certain Pitiful Change] + +There is a certain pitiful change which comes with marriage. The sound +of her voice would thrill him to his finger-tips, the touch of her hand +make his throat ache, and the light in her eyes set the blood to singing +in his veins. With possession, ecstasy changes to content, and the +loving woman, dreaming that she may again find what she has so strangely +lost, tries to waken the old feeling by pathetic little ways which women +read at once, but men never know anything about. + +In a way, woman is to blame, but not so much. Her superior insight +should give her a better understanding of courtship. A man may mean what +he says--at the time he says it--but men and seasons change. + +[Sidenote: Value and Proportion] + +The happiness of the after-years depends largely upon her sense of value +and proportion. No woman of artistic judgment would crowd her rooms +with bric-à-brac, even though comfort were not lacking. Pictures hung +together so closely that the frames touch lose beauty. Space has +distinct value, and solid colours, judiciously used, create a harmony +impossible to obtain by the continuous use of figured fabrics. + +Yet many a woman whose house is a model of taste, whose rooms are +spacious and restful, insists upon crowding her marriage with the +bric-à-brac of violent affection. She is not content with undecorated +spaces; with interludes of friendship and the appreciation which is +felt, rather than spoken. She demands the constant assurances, the +unfailing devotion of the lover, and thus loses her atmosphere--and her +content. + +It seems to be a settled thing that men shall do the courting before +marriage and women afterward. Nobody writes articles on "How to Make a +Wife Happy," and the innumerable cook books, like an army of +grasshoppers, consume and devastate the land. + +If women did not demand so much, men in general would be more +thoughtful. If it were understood that even after marriage man was +still to be the lover, the one who sent roses to his sweetheart would +sometimes bring them to his wife. The pretty courtesies would not so +often be forgotten. + +[Sidenote: The Tender Thought] + +If the tender thought were in some way shown, and the loving word which +leaps to the lips were never forced back, but always spoken, marriage +and even life itself would take on new beauty and charm. If a woman has +daily evidence of a man's devotion, no matter in how small a way, her +hunger and thirst for love are bountifully assuaged. Misunderstandings +rapidly grow into coldness and neglect, and foolish woman, blind with +love, adopts retribution and recrimination as her weapons. There are a +great many men who love their wives simply because they know they would +be scalped if they didn't. + +Making an issue of a little thing is one of the surest ways to spoil +happiness. One's personal pride is felt to be vitally injured by +surrender, but there is no quality of human nature so nearly royal as +the ability to yield gracefully. It shows small confidence in one's own +nature to fear that compromise lessens self-control. To consider +constantly the comfort and happiness of another is not a sign of +weakness but of strength. + +[Sidenote: Spoiled Children] + +Too many men and women are only spoiled children at heart. The little +maid of five or six takes her doll and goes home because her playmates +have been unkind. Twenty years later she packs her trunk and goes to her +mother's because of some quarrel which had an equally childish +beginning. + +But the hurts of the after-years are not so easily healed. The children +kiss and make up no later than the next day, but, grown to manhood and +womanhood, they consider it far beneath their dignity and importance to +say "Forgive me," and thus proceed to the matrimonial garbage box by way +of the divorce court. + +Lovers are wont to consider a marriage license a free ticket to +Paradise. Sometimes happiness may be freely given by the dispenser of +earthly blessings, but it is more often bought. It is a matter of +temperament rather than circumstance, and is to be had only by the two +who work for it together, forgiving, forgetting, graciously yielding, +and looking forward to the perfect understanding which will surely +come. + +Matches are not all made in heaven. Even the parlour variety sometimes +smell of brimstone, and Cupid is blamed for many which are made by +cupidity. The gossips and the busybodies would die of mal-nutrition were +it not for marriage and its complications. + +[Sidenote: The Tabbies] + +Two people who have quarrelled cheerfully before marriage and whose +engagement has been broken three or four times often surprise the +tabbies who prophesy misfortune by settling down into post-nuptial +content. Two who are universally pronounced to be "perfectly suited to +each other" are soon absolutely miserable. Marriage is the one thing +which everyone knows more about than people who are intimately +concerned. + +[Sidenote: "Unequal Marriages"] + +We hear a great deal of "unequal marriages," not merely in degree of +fortune, but in taste and mental equipment. A man steeped to his +finger-tips in the lore of the ancients chooses a pretty butterfly who +does not know the difference between a hieroglyph and a Greek verb, and +to whom Rome and Carthage are empty names. His friends predict misery, +and wonder at his blindness in passing by the young woman of equal +outward charm who delivered a scholarly thesis at her commencement and +has the degree of Master of Arts. + +A talented woman marries a man without proportionate gifts and the +tabbies call a special session. It is decided at this conclave that "she +is throwing herself away and will regret it." To everyone's surprise, +she is occasionally very happy with the man she has chosen, though about +some things of no particular importance she knows much more than he. + +The law of compensation is as certain in its action as that of +gravitation, though it is not so widely understood. Nature demands +balance and equality. She is constantly chiselling at the mountain to +lower it to the level of the plain, and welding heterogeneous elements +into homogeneous groups. + +[Sidenote: The Certain Instinct] + +The pretty butterfly may easily prove a balance wheel to the man of much +wisdom. She will add a vivid human interest to his abstract pursuits and +keep him from growing narrow-minded. He chose the element he needed to +make him symmetrical, with the certain instinct which impels isolated +atoms of hydrogen and oxygen to combine in the proportion of two to one. + +It never occurs to the tabbies that no talent or facility can ever +stifle a woman's nature. The simple need of her heart is never taken +into account in the criticism of these marriages which are deemed +"unequal." If a woman holds an assistant professorship of mathematics in +a university, it is a foregone conclusion that she should fall in love +with someone who is proficient in trigonometry and holds his tangents +and cosines in high esteem. Happy evenings could then be spent with a +book of logarithms and sheets of paper specially cut to accommodate a +problem. + +Similarity of tastes may sometimes prove an attraction, but very seldom +similarity of pursuit. Musicians do not often intermarry, and artists +and writers are more apt to choose each other than exponents of their +own cult. + +[Sidenote: Appreciation and Accomplishment] + +It is not surprising if a man who is passionately fond of music falls in +love with a woman who has a magnificent voice, or a power which amounts +to magic over the strings of her violin. Appreciation is as essential +to happiness as accomplishment, and when the two are balanced in +marriage, comradeship is inevitable. An artist may marry a woman who +does not understand his pictures, but if she had not appreciated him in +ways more vital to his happiness, there would have been no marriage. + +It is pathetic to see what marriage sometimes is, compared with what it +might be--to see it degraded to the level of a business transaction when +it was meant to be infinitely above the sordid touch of the dollar and +the dime. It is a perverted instinct which leads one to marry for money, +for it will not buy happiness, though it may secure an imitation which +pleases some people for a little while. + +There is nothing so beautiful as a girl's dream of her marriage, and +nothing so sad as the same girl, if Time brings her disillusion instead +of the true marriage which is "a mutual concord and agreement of souls, +a harmony in which discord is not even imagined; the uniting of two +mornings that hope to reach the night together." + +The world is full of pain and danger for those who face it alone, and +home, that sanctuary where one may find strength and new courage, must +be built upon a foundation of mutual helpfulness and trust. No one can +make a home alone. It needs a man's strong hands, a woman's tender +hands, and two true hearts. + +[Sidenote: The Light upon the Altar] + +The light which shines upon the bridal altar is either the white flame +of eternal devotion or the sacrificial fire which preys hungrily upon +someone's disappointment and someone's broken heart. But to the utter +rout of the cynic, the dream which led the two souls thither sometimes +becomes divinely true. + +Marriage is said to be sufficient "career" for any woman, and it is +equally true of men. Like Emerson's vision of friendship, it is fit "not +only for serene days and pleasant rambles, but for all the passages of +life and death." + +It is to make one the stronger because one does not have to go alone. It +is to make one's joy the sweeter because it is shared. It is to take the +sting away from grief because it is divided, and the dear comfort of the +other's love lies forever around the sore and doubting heart. + +[Sidenote: Fire and Snow] + +It is to be the light in the darkness, the belief in the distrust, the +never-failing source of consolation. It is to be the gentlest of +forgiveness for all of one's mistakes--strength and tenderness, passion +and purity, the fire and the snow. + +It is to make one generous to all the world with one's sympathy and +compassion, because in the sanctuary there is no lack of love. It is +"the joining together of two souls for life, to strengthen each other in +all peril, to rest on each other in all sorrow, to minister to each +other in all pain, to be one with each other in silent, unspeakable +memories at the moment of the last parting." + + + + +The Physiology of Vanity + +[Illustration] + + + + +The Physiology of Vanity + + +[Sidenote: Conceit and Vanity] + +"Vanity of vanities, all is vanity!" It is the common human emotion, the +root of the personal equation, the battling residuum in the last +analysis of social chemistry. There is a wide difference between conceit +and vanity. Conceit is lovable and unconcealed; vanity is supreme +selfishness, usually hidden. Conceit is based upon an unselfish desire +to please; vanity takes no thought of others which is not based upon +egotism. + +Vanity and jealousy are closely allied, while conceit is a natural +development of altruistic virtue. Conceit is the mildest of vices; +vanity is the worst. Men are usually conceited but infrequently vain, +while women are seldom afflicted with the lesser vice. + +Man's conceit is the simplest form of self-appreciation. He thinks he is +extremely good-looking, as men go; that he has seen the world; that he +is a good judge of dinners and of human nature; that he is one of the +few men who may easily charm a woman. + +The limits of man's conceit are usually in full view, but eye nor +opera-glass has not yet approached the end of woman's vanity. The +disease is contagious, and the men who suffer from it are usually those +whose chosen companions are women. + +Woman's vanity is a development of her insatiate thirst for love. Her +smiles and tears are all-powerful with her lover, and nothing goes so +quickly to a woman's head as a sense of power. She forever defies the +Salic law--each woman feels that her rightful place is upon a throne. + +[Sidenote: The One Object] + +The one object of woman's life is the acquirement of power through love. +It is because this power is freely recognised by the men who seek her in +marriage that her vanity seldom has full scope until after she is +married. + +[Sidenote: The Destroyer] + +After marriage, a great many women begin the slow process of alienating +a man from his family, blind to the fact that by lessening his love for +others, they add nothing to their own store. The filial and fraternal +love is not to be given to anyone but mother and sisters--they have no +place in a man's heart that another woman could fill. The destroyer +simply obliterates that part of his life and offers nothing in its +place. + +The achievement sometimes takes years, but it is none the less sure. +Later, it may be extended to father and brothers, but they are always +the last to be considered. + +It is most difficult of all to break the tie which binds a man to his +mother. The one who bore him is not faultless, for motherhood brings new +gifts of feeling, sometimes sacrificing judgment and clear vision to +selfish unselfishness. It is only in fiction and poetry that such love +is valued now, for the divine blindness which does not question, which +asks only the right to give, has lost beauty in our age of reason and +restraint. + +He had thought that face the most beautiful in all the world--until he +fell in love. Now he sees his mother as she is; a wrinkled old woman, +perverse, unreasonable, and inclined to meddle with his domestic +affairs. The hands that soothed his childish fretting are no longer +lovely. Inattention to small details of dress, which he never noticed +before, are painfully evident. The eyes that have watched him all his +life with loving anxiety, shining with pride at his success and +softening with tenderest pity at his mistakes, are subtly different now. +He wonders at his blindness. It is strange, indeed, that he has not +realised all this before. + +[Sidenote: The Awakening] + +To most men the awakening comes too late if it comes at all. Only when +the faded eyes are closed and the worn hands folded forever; when +"mother" is beyond the reach of praise or blame, her married boy +realises what has been done. With that first shock comes bitterest +repentance--and he never forgives his wife. Many a woman who complains +of "coldness" and "lost love" might trace it back to the day her +husband's mother died, and to the sudden flash of insight, the +adjustment of relation, which comes with death. + +The comic papers have made the mother-in-law a thing to be dreaded. She +is the poster attached to the matrimonial magazine which inspires +would-be purchasers with awe. Many an engaged girl confides to her best +friend that her fiancé's mother is "an old cat." She usually goes still +further, and gives jealousy as the cause of it. + +No right-minded mother was ever jealous of the woman her son chose for +his wife. But she has seen how marriage changes men and naturally fears +the result. The altar is the grave of many a boy's love for his mother. +Neither of the women most intimately concerned is blind to the impending +possibilities; it is only man who cannot see. + +[Sidenote: One in a Thousand] + +There are some girls who realise what it means, but they are few and far +between. One in a thousand, perhaps, will openly acknowledge her debt to +the woman who for twenty-five or thirty years has given her best thought +to the man she is about to marry. + +Is he strong and active, healthy and finely moulded? It is his mother's +care for the first sixteen years of his life. It is the result of her +anxious days and of many a sleepless night, while the potential man was +racked with fever and childish ills. His chivalrous devotion to the girl +he loves is wholly due to his mother's influence. His clean and +open-hearted manliness is a free gift to her, from the woman now +characterised as "an old cat." + +It is seldom that the mother receives credit for his virtues, but she is +invariably blamed for his faults. Too many women expect a man to be cut +out by their pattern. The supreme mental achievement is the ability to +judge other people by their own standards, and a crank is not +necessarily a person whose rules of life and conduct do not coincide +with our own. + +[Sidenote: The Thirst for Power] + +To this thirst for power may be traced all of woman's vanity. It is +commonly supposed that she dresses to please others, but she often +values fine raiment principally because it shows how much her husband +thinks of her. If a man's coat is shiny at the seams and he postpones +the new one that his wife may have an extra hat, she is delicately +flattered by this unselfish tribute to her charm. + +From a single root vanity spreads and flowers until its poisonous blooms +affect all social life. A woman becomes vain of her house, her rugs, her +tapestries, her jewels, horses, and even of the livery of her footman. +The things which should be valued for their intrinsic beauty and the +pleasure-giving quality, which is not by any means selfish, soon become +food for a vice. + +She gradually grows to consider herself a very superior person. She is +so charming and so much to be desired, that some man works night and day +in his office, sacrificing both pleasure and rest, that she may have the +baubles for which she yearns. + +It is not far from absolute self-satisfaction, in either man or woman, +to generous bestowal of enlightenment upon the unfortunate savages who +linger on the outskirts of one's social sphere. + +In the infinite vastness of creation, where innumerable worlds move +according to the fiat of majestic Law, there lies one called Earth. +There are planets within reach of the scientific vision of its +inhabitants that are many times larger. There are some which have more +moons, more mountains and rivers, longer days, and longer years. +Countless suns, the centres of other vast planetary systems, lie in the +inconceivable distances beyond. + +[Sidenote: A Mote in the Sun] + +In the midst of this unspeakable greatness, Earth swings like one of the +motes which a passing sunbeam illumines. Upon this mote, one fifth of +the inhabitants have assumed supreme knowledge and understanding, given +them, doubtless, because of their innate superiority. This preferment, +also, is theirs by the grace of an infinitely just and merciful God. + +The other four fifths are supposedly in total darkness, though the same +heavens are over their heads, the same earth under their feet, and +though the light of sun and moon and the gentle radiance of the stars +are freely given to all. + +There are the same opportunities for development and civilisation, but +they have not received The Enlightenment. To them must go the foreign +missionaries, to teach the things which have been graciously given them +on account of their innate superiority. + +[Sidenote: Narrowing Circles] + +Man's life is a succession of narrowing circles. He admits the force of +the heliocentric idea, for it is the sun which gives light and heat. +Then the circle narrows, almost imperceptibly, for, of all the planets +which circle around the sun, is not Earth the chief? + +This point being gained, he is inside the geocentric circle. Earth is +the centre of creation. Sun, moon, and stars are auxiliary forces, +bountifully arranged by the Giver of all Good for Earth's beauty and +comfort. Of all the creatures who share in this, is not man the most +important? Thus he retreats to the anthropocentric circle. + +[Sidenote: By Strength of Mind and Arm] + +Man is the centre of organic life, and it is easily seen that his race +is far superior to the others. Their skins are not the same colour, +their ships are not so mighty, their cunning with weapons is infinitely +less. His race is dominant by strength of mind and arm. + +The dark-skinned races must be taught civilisation, with fire and sword, +with cannon and bayonet, with crime and death. They must be civilised +before they can be happy. The naked savage who sits beneath a palm tree, +with his hut in the distance, while his wife and children hover around +him, is happy only because he is too ignorant to know what happiness is. + +In order to be rightly happy, he must have a fine house, carriages, and +servants, and live in a crowded city where tall buildings and smoke +limit one's horizon to a narrow patch of blue. He must struggle daily +with his fellows, not for the necessaries of life, but for small pieces +of silver and bits of green paper, which are not nearly as pretty as +glass beads. + +The savage, unaccustomed to refinement, stabs or beheads his enemy. +Civilisation will teach him the uses of poison, and that putting typhoid +germs into the drinking water of an Emperor is much more delicate and +fully as effectual. + +[Sidenote: The Sublime Egotism] + +From this small circle, it is only a step to the centre and to that +sublime egotism which has been named Vanity. + +Man repeats in his own life the development of a nation. He progresses +from unquestioning happiness to childish inquiry and wonder, from fairy +tales of princes and dragons to actual knowledge; through inquiry to +doubt, through faith to disbelief, through civilisation to decay. + +He is not content to let other nations and others races pursue their +normal development. He insists that the work of centuries be crowded +into a generation. And in the same manner, the growth and strivings of +his fellows call forth his unselfish aid. Having infinite treasures of +mental equipment, gained by superior opportunity and wider experience, +he will generously share his noble possessions. + +[Sidenote: Personal Vanity] + +It is personal vanity of the most flagrant type which intrudes itself, +unasked, into other people's affairs. There are few of us who do not +feel capable of ordering the daily lives of others, down to the most +minute detail. + +We know how their houses should be arranged, how they should spend and +invest their money, how they should dress, how they should comport +themselves, and more definitely yet do we know the things they should +not do. We know what is right and what is wrong, while they, poor +things! do not. We know whom and when they should marry, how their +children should be educated and trained, and what servants they should +employ. + +We know for what pursuit each one is best fitted and how each should +occupy his spare time. We know to what church all should go; what creed +all should believe. We know what particular traits are faults and how +these can be corrected. We know so much about other people that we often +have not time to give due attention to ourselves. We neglect our own +affairs that we may unselfishly direct others, and sometimes suffer in +consequence, for nobody but a lawyer makes a good living by attending to +other people's business. + +[Sidenote: Theoretically] + +Theoretically, this should be pleasing to each one. Every person of +sense should be delighted at being told just what to do. It would +relieve him from all care, all responsibility; the necessity for +thought, planning, and individual judgment would be wholly removed. + +The musical student would not have to select his own instrument, his own +teacher, nor even his own practice time. Every author would know just +how and when to write, and in order to become famous, he need only act +upon the suggestions for stories and improvement of style which are +gratuitously given him from day to day, by people who cannot write a +clear and correct sentence. This thing actually happened; consequently +it is just the theme for fiction. This plot, suitably developed, would +make the nations sit up, and send the race by hundred thousands to the +corner bookstore. + +The cares incident to selecting a wardrobe would be wholly removed. +Every woman knows how every other should dress. Her sure taste selects +at a glance the thing which will best become the other, and over which +the Unenlightened may ponder for hours. + +[Sidenote: A Common Vanity] + +There is no more common vanity than claiming to "know" some particular +person. We are "all things to all men." The two who love each other +better than all the world beside, have much knowledge, but it is not by +any means complete. "Souls reach out to each other across the impassable +gulfs of individual being." And yet, daily, people who have no sympathy +with us, and scarcely a common interest, will assume to "know" us, when +we do not fully know ourselves, and when we earnestly hide our real +selves from all save the single soul we love. + +To assume intimate knowledge of the hundred considerations which make up +a single situation, the various complexities of temperament and +disposition which the personal equation continually produces in human +affairs, of the imperceptible fibres of the web which lies between two +souls, preventing always the fullest understanding, unless Love, the +magician, gives new sight--amounts to the proclamation of practical +Omnipotence. + +[Sidenote: "I Told You So"] + +There is no position in life which is secure. No complication ever comes +to our friends, which our advice, acted upon, would not immediately +solve. If our most minute directions are not thankfully received and put +into effect, there is always the comforting indication of +superiority--"I told you so." + +And when the jaded soul revolts in supreme defiance, declaring its right +to its own life, its own duties, its own friendships, and its own loves, +there is much expressed disgust, much misfortune predicted, and, saddest +of all, much wounded vanity. + +The dominant egotism forbids that anything shall be better than itself. +No success is comparable to one's own, no life so wisely ordered, and +there is nothing so sad as the fame attained by those who do not follow +our advice. + +Adversity is commonly accepted as the test of friendship, but there is +another more certain still--success. Anyone may bestow pity. It is +fatally easy to offer to those less fortunate than ourselves; whose +capabilities have not proved adequate, as ours have; but it requires +fine gifts of generous feeling to be genuinely glad at another's good +fortune, in which we cannot by any possibility hope to share. + +[Sidenote: Advice] + +Advice is usually to be had for the asking. In the case of a corporation +attorney or a specialist, there is a high value placed upon it, but it +is to be freely had from those who love us, and, strangely enough, from +those who do not. + +It is one of the blessings of love, that all the experience of another, +all the battles of the other soul, are laid open for our better +understanding of our own path. But there is a subtle distinction between +the counsel of love and that of vanity. The one is unselfishly glad of +our achievements, taking new delight in every step upward, while the +other passes over triumphs in silence and carps upon the misfortune +until it is not to be borne. + +From the intimate union of two loving souls, Vanity is forever shut out. +Jealousy dare not show her malignant face. These two are facing the +world together, side by side and shoulder to shoulder, each the other's +strength and shield. + +Success may come only after many failures; the tide may not turn till +after long discouragement and great despair. But in the union with that +other soul, so gently baring its inmost dream that the other may +understand, defeat loses its sting. + +[Sidenote: The Sanctuary of that Other Soul] + +Ambition forever beckons, like a will o' the wisp. When realisation +seems within easy reach, the dream fades, or another, seemingly +unattainable, mockingly takes its place. But in the sanctuary of that +other soul, there is always new courage to be found. Long aisles and +quiet spaces lessen the fever and the unrest. Darkness and cool shadows +soothe the burning eyes, and in the clasp of those loving arms there is +certain sleep. + +Vanity cares for nothing which is not in some way its own, and it is +perhaps an amorphous vanity, as carbon is akin to a diamond, that makes +a hard-won victory doubly dear. + +There are always sycophants to fawn and flatter, there are hands that +will gladly help that they may claim their share of the result, but that +realised dream is wholly sweet in which only the dreamer and the other +soul have fully believed. Failure, even, is more easily borne if it is +entirely one's own; if there is no one else to be blamed. + +[Sidenote: The Bitter Proof] + +"Vanity of vanities, all is vanity." So spake the prophet in Jerusalem +and the centuries have brought the bitter proof. Vanity has reared +palaces which have vanished like the architecture of a mirage. Vanity +has led the hosts against itself. + +Where are Babylon and Nineveh; the hanging gardens and the splendour of +forgotten kings? Where are Cæsar and Cleopatra; Trianon and Marie +Antoinette? Where is the lordly Empire of France? Is it buried with +military honours, in the grave of the exiled Napoleon? + +Vanity's pomp endureth for a day, but Vanity itself is perennial. Vanity +sets whole races of men in motion, pitting them against each other +across intervening seas. + +One woman has a stone, no larger than a pea, brought from a mine in +South Africa. Vanity sets it proudly upon her breast and leads other +women to envy her its possession, for purely selfish reasons. One +woman's gown is made from a plant which grows in Georgia and she is +unhappy because it is not the product of a French or Japanese worm. + +One woman's coat is woven from the covering of a sheep, and she is not +content because it has not cost a greater number of silver pieces and +more bits of green paper, besides the life of an Arctic seal, that never +harmed her nor hers. + +Vanity allows a tender-hearted woman, who cannot see a child or a dumb +brute in pain, to order the tails of her horses cut to the fashionable +length and to wear upon her hat the pitiful little body of a song-bird +that has been skinned alive. + +Vanity permits a woman to trim the outer garments of the little stranger +for whose coming she has long waited and prayed, with pretty, fluffy fur +torn from the unborn baby of another mother--who is only a sheep. Vanity +permits a woman to insist that her combs and pins shall be real +tortoise-shell, which is obtained from the quivering animal by roasting +it alive before a slow fire. + +[Sidenote: All is Vanity] + +"Vanity of vanities, all is vanity!" The mad race still goes on. It is +insatiate vanity which wrecks lives, ruins homes, torments one's +fellows, and blinds the clear vision of its victims. It harms others, +but most of all one's self. + +[Sidenote: The Conqueror] + +There is only one place from which it is shut out--from the union with +that other soul. Great as it is, there is still a greater force; there +is the inevitable conqueror, for Vanity cannot exist side by side with +Love. + + + + +Widowers and Widows + +[Illustration] + + + + +Widowers and Widows + + +Next to burglars, mice, and green worms, every normal girl fears a +widow. Courtships have been upset and expected proposals have vanished +into thin air, simply because a widow has come into the game. There is +only one thing to do in such a case; retreat gracefully, and leave the +field to her. + +[Sidenote: The Charm] + +A widow's degree of blandishment is conservatively estimated at +twenty-five spinster power. At almost every session of spinsters, the +question comes up for discussion. It is difficult to see just where the +charm lies. + +A widow has, of course, a superior knowledge of ways and means. She has +fully learned the value of silence, of food, and of judicious flattery. +But these accomplishments may be acquired by the observing spinster who +gives due attention to the subject. + +The mystery lies deeper than is first suspected. It is possible that the +knowledge of her own limitations has something to do with it. A girl +who has been flattered, adored, placed upon a pedestal and worshipped, +naturally comes to the conclusion that she belongs there. She issues her +commands from that height and conveys to man various delicate reminders +of his servility. + +[Sidenote: The Pedestal Idea] + +When the same girl is married and by due operation of natural law +becomes a widow, she doubtless has come to a better understanding of the +pedestal idea. Hence she does not attempt the impossible, and satisfies +herself with working those miracles which are comparatively simple. + +A widow has all of the freedom of a girl, combined with the liberty of a +married woman. She has the secure social position of a matron without +the drawback of a husband. She is nearer absolute independence than +other women are ever known to be. + +Where a girl is strong and self-reliant, a widow is helpless and +confiding. She can never carry her own parcels, put on her own +overshoes, or button her own gloves. A widow's shoe laces have never +been known to stay tied for any length of time, unless she has shapeless +ankles and expansive feet. + +A widow's telegrams must always be taken to the office by some man. +Time-tables are beyond her understanding and she never knows about +trains. It frequently takes three or four men to launch a widow upon a +two-hundred-mile journey, while a girl can start across the continent +with considerably less commotion. + +[Sidenote: The Inference] + +The inference is, of course, that she has been accustomed to these +delicate attentions--that the dear departed has always done such things. +The pretty way in which she asks favours carries out the delusion. He +would be a brute, indeed, who could refuse the little service for which +she pleads. + +The dear departed, naturally, was delighted to do these things, or he +would not have done them--such being the way of the married man. +Consequently, the lady was very tenderly loved--and men follow each +other like sheep in matters of the heart. + +The attraction a widower has for a girl is in inverse proportion to a +widow's influence over a man. It is true that the second wife is usually +better treated than the first, and that the new occupant of a man's +heart reaps the benefit of her predecessor's training. But it is not +until spinsterhood is fully confirmed by grey hair and the family Bible +that a girl begins to look with favour upon the army of the detached. + +[Sidenote: The Food of her Soul] + +It seems to her that all the romance is necessarily gone--and it is +romance upon which her soul feeds. There can be none of that dear +delight in the first home building, which is the most beautiful part of +marriage to a girl. Her pretty concern about draperies and colours is +all an old story to the man. She may even have to buy her kitchen ware +all alone, and it is considered the nicest thing in the world to have a +man along when pots and pans are bought. + +If widowers and widows would only mate with each other, instead of +trespassing upon the hunting grounds of the unmarried! It is an +exceptional case in which the bereaved are not mutually wary. They seem +to prefer the unfair advantage gained by having all the experience on +one side. + +The normal man proposes with ease and carelessness, but the ceremony is +second nature to a widower. If he meets a girl he likes, he proceeds at +once to business and is slow indeed for his kind if he does not offer +his hand and heart within a week. + +A clever man once wrote a story, describing the coming of a girl to a +widower's house. With care and forethought, the dying wife had left a +letter for her successor, which the man fearlessly gave her before she +had taken off her hat, because, as the story-teller naïevely adds, "she +was twenty-eight and very sane." + +[Sidenote: A Nice Letter] + +This letter proved to be various admonitions to the bride and earnest +hopes that she might make her husband happy. It was all very pretty and +it was surely a nice letter, but no woman could fail to see that it was +an exquisite revenge upon the man who had been rash enough to install +another in the place of the dead. + +There was not a line which was not kind, nor a word which did not +contain a hidden sting. It would be enough to make one shudder all one's +life--this hand of welcome extended from the grave. Yet everything +continued happily--perhaps because a man wrote the story. + +A woman demands not only all of a man's life, but all of his thoughts +after she is dead. The grave may hide much, but not that particular +quality in woman's nature. If it is common to leave letters for +succeeding wives, it is done with sinister purpose. + +Romance is usually considered an attribute of youth, and possibly the +years bring views of marriage which are impossible to the younger +generation. No girl, in her wildest moments, ever dreams of marrying a +widower with three or four children, yet, when she is well on in her +thirties, with her heart still unsatisfied, she often does that very +thing, and happily at that. + +[Sidenote: The Hidden Heartache] + +Still, there must be a hidden heartache, for woman, with her love of +love, is unable to understand the series of distinct and unrelated +episodes which make up the love of a man. It is hard to take the crumbs +another woman has left, especially if a goodly portion of a man's heart +is suspected to lie in the grave. + +It is harder still, if helpless children are daily to look into her +face, with eyes which are neither hers nor his, and the supreme +crucifixion in the life of a woman whose ideals have not changed, is to +go into a home which has been made by the hands of a dead and dearly +loved wife. + +To a woman, material things are always heavily laden with memories. +There is not a single article of furniture which has not its own +individuality. She cannot consider a piece of embroidery apart from the +dead hands that made it, nor a chair without some association with its +previous occupants. + +Sometimes the rooms are heavily laden with portraits which are to +confront her from day to day with the taunting presence. She is obliged +to tell callers that the crayon upon the opposite wall is "the first +Mrs. ----." There are also pictures of the first wife's dead children, +and here and there the inevitable photograph, of years gone by, of bride +and groom in wedding garments--the man sitting down, of course, while +his wife stands behind him, as a servant might, with her hand upon his +chair. + +[Sidenote: Day by Day] + +Day by day, those eyes are fixed upon her in stern judgment. Her +failings and her conscious virtues are forever before that other woman. +Her tears and her laughter are alike subjected to that remorseless +scrutiny. + +[Sidenote: A Sheeted Spectre] + +Does she dare to forget and be happy? The other woman looks down upon +her like a sheeted spectre conveying a solemn warning. "You may die," +those pictured lips seem to say, "and some other will take your place, +as you have taken mine." When the tactlessness, bad temper, or general +mulishness of man wrings unwilling tears from her eyes, there is no +sympathy to be gained from that impalpable presence. "You should not +have married him," the picture seems to say, or; "He treated me the same +way, and I died." + +She is not to be blamed if she fancies that her husband also feels the +presence of the other. As she pours his coffee in the morning and he +looks upon her with the fond glance which men bestow upon women about to +give them food, she may easily imagine that he sees the other in her +place. Even the clasp of her hand or the touch of her lips may bring a +longing for that other, hidden in the far-off grave. + +Broadly speaking, widowers make better husbands than widows do wives. +The presence of the dead wife may be a taunting memory, but seldom +more. It is not often that she is spoken of, unless it is to praise her +cooking. If she made incomparable biscuits and her coffee was fit to be +the nectar of the gods, there are apt to be frequent and tactless +comparisons, until painful experience teaches the sinner that this will +not do. + +[Sidenote: "A Shining Mark"] + +On the contrary, a widow's second husband is often the most sincere +mourner of her first. As time goes on, he realises keenly what a doleful +day it was for him when that other died. "Death loves a shining mark," +and that first husband was always such a paragon of perfection that it +seems like an inadvertence because he was permitted to glorify this +sodden sphere at all. She keeps, in heart at least, and often by outward +observance, the anniversaries of her former engagement and marriage. The +love letters of the dead are put away with her jewels and bits of real +lace. + +Small defections are commented upon and odious parallels drawn. Her home +is seen to be miserably inadequate beside the one she once had. Her +supply of pin money is painfully small, judged by the standard which has +hitherto been her guide. Callers are entertained with anecdotes of "my +first husband," and her dinner table is graced with the same stories +that famous raconteur was wont to tell. + +If her present husband pays her a compliment, he is reminded that his +predecessor was accustomed to say the same thing. The relatives of the +first wife are gently made aware that their acquaintance is not desired. +His manner of life is carefully renovated and his old friendships put +away with moth balls and camphor, never to see the light again. + +[Sidenote: The Best Advertisement] + +Yet the best possible advertisement of matrimony is the rapidity with +which the bereaved seek new mates. There is no more delicate compliment +to a first marriage than a second alliance, even when divorce, rather +than death, has been the separating agency. A divorced man has more +power to charm than a widower, because there is always the supposition +that he was not understood and that his life's happiness is still to +come. + +[Sidenote: Forgetting] + +Forgetting is the finest art of life and is to be desired more than +memory, even though Mnemosyne stands close by Lethe and with her dewy +finger-tips soothes away all pain. The lowest life remembers; to the +highest only is it given to forget. + +Yet, when the last word is said, this is the dread and the pity of +death. It is not "the breathless darkness and the narrow house," but the +certain knowledge that one's place can almost instantly be filled. The +lips that quiver with sobs will some day smile again, eyes dimmed by +long weeping will dance with laughter, hearts that once ached bitterly +will some day swell and overflow with a new love. + +This knowledge lies heavily upon a woman's soul and saddens, though +often imperceptibly, the happiest marriage. All her toil and striving +may some day be for naught. The fruits of her industry and thrift may +some day gleam in jewels upon the white throat of another woman. Silks +and laces which she could not have will add to the beauty of the +possible woman who will ascend her vacant throne. + +Sometimes a woman remains faithful to a memory, and sometimes, though +rarely, a man may do the same. There is only one relation in life which +may not be formed again--that between a mother and her child. + +[Sidenote: The Child Upon Her Breast] + +The little one may have lived but a few days, yet, if it has once lain +upon her breast, she has something Death may never hope to destroy. +Other children, equally dear, may grow to stalwart manhood and gracious +womanhood, but that face rises to immortality in a world of endless +change. + +No single cry, no weak clasp of baby fingers is ever forgotten. Through +all the years, unchanging, and taking on new beauty with every fleeting +day, the little face is still before her. And thus in a way Death brings +her a blessing, for when the others have grown she has it still--the +child upon her breast. + +Love's best gifts are not to be taken away. Tender memories must always +be inwoven with the sad, and the sympathy and unselfishness which great +loves ever bring are left to make sweet the nature of one who is +chastened by sorrow. Grief itself never stings; it is the accusing +conscience which turns the dagger remorselessly in the heart. + +[Sidenote: Our unsuspected Kindness] + +Life, after all, is a masquerade. We fear to show our tenderness and our +love. We habitually hide our best feelings, lest we be judged weak and +emotional, and unfit for the age in which it is our privilege to move. +Sometimes it needs Death to show us ourselves and to teach our friends +our deep and unsuspected kindness. + +The woman who hungers throughout her marriage for the daily expression +of her husband's love, often looks longingly towards the day to come, +when hot tears will fall upon her upturned face and that for which she +has vainly thirsted will be laid upon her silent lips. But swiftly upon +the vision comes the thought, that even so, it would be of short +duration; that the newly awakened love would soon be the portion of +someone else. + +It would be a beautiful world, indeed, if we were not at such pains to +hide our real selves--if all our kindly thoughts were spoken and all our +generous deeds were done. No one of us would think of Death as our best +friend, if we were not all so bitterly unkind. Yet we put into white +fingers the roses for which the living might have pleaded in vain, and +too often, with streaming eyes, we ask pardon of the dead. + +[Sidenote: Atonement] + +Atonement is not to be made thus. A costly monument in a public square +is tardy appreciation of a genius whose generation refused him bread. A +man's tears upon a woman's hands are not enough, when all her life she +has prayed for his love. + +There is no law so unrelenting as that of compensation. Gravitation +itself may be more successfully defied. It is the one thing which is +absolutely just and which is universal in its action, though sometimes +as slow as the majestic forces which change rock to dust. + +We cannot have more joy than we give--nor more pain. The eternal balance +swings true. The capacity for enjoyment and the capacity for suffering +are one and the same. He who lives out of reach of sorrow has sacrificed +his possible ecstasy. "He has seen only half the universe who has not +been shown the House of Pain." + +[Sidenote: Emerson's "Compensation"] + +"And yet the compensations of calamity are made apparent to the +understanding also after long intervals of time. A fever, a mutilation, +a cruel disappointment, a loss of friends, seems at the moment unpaid +loss and unpayable. But the sure years reveal the deep remedial force +that underlies all facts. The death of a dear friend, wife, brother, +lover, which seemed nothing but privation, somewhat later assumes the +aspect of a guide or genius; for it commonly operates revolutions in our +way of life, terminating an epoch of infancy or youth which was waiting +to be closed, breaks up a wonted occupation or a household or style of +living, and allows the formation of new ones more friendly to the growth +of character. It permits or constrains the formation of new +acquaintances, and the reception of new influences that prove of the +first importance to the next years; and the man or woman who would have +remained a sunny garden flower, with no room for its roots and too much +sunshine for its head, by the falling of the walls and the neglect of +the gardener is made the banian of the forest, yielding shade and fruit +to wide neighbourhoods of men." + +[Sidenote: Upon the Upland Ways] + +That life alone is worth the living which sets itself upon the upland +ways. To steel one's self against joy to be spared the inevitable hurt, +is not life. We are afraid of love, because the might and terror of it +has sometimes brought despair. We are afraid of belief, because our +trust has been betrayed. We are afraid of death, because we have seen +forgetfulness. + +We should not fear that someone might take our place in the heart that +loves us best--if we were only loved enough. The same love is never +given twice; it differs in quality if not in degree, and when once made +one's own, is never to be lost. + +There are some natures whose happiness is a matter of persons and +things; some to love and some to be loved; the daily needs amply +satisfied, and that is enough for content. + +There are others with whom persons and things do not suffice, whose love +is vital, elemental, and indestructible. It has no beginning and no end; +it simply is. With this the Grey Angel has no power; the grave is robbed +of its victory and death of its sting. + +"Love never denied Death and Death will not deny Love." When the bond is +of that finer sort which does not rely upon presence for its permanence, +there is little bereavement to be felt. For mutely, like a guardian +angel, that other may live with us still; not as a shadowy presence, +but rather as a dear reality. + +That little mound of earth upon the distant hill, over which the sun and +stars pass in endless sequence, and where the quiet is unbroken through +the change of spring to autumn, and the change of autumn to spring, has +not the power to destroy love, but rather to make it more sure. + +The one who sleeps is forever beyond the reach of doubt and +misunderstanding. Separation, estrangement, and bitterness, which are +sometimes concealed in the cup that Life and Love have given, are +forever taken out by Death, who is never cruel and who is often kind. + +[Sidenote: The Wanderer's Rest] + +We tread upon earth and revile it, forgetting that at last it hides our +defects and that through it our dead hearts climb to blossom in violets +and rue. Death is the Wanderer's Rest, where there is no questioning, +but the same healing sleep for all. In that divine peace, there is no +room for regret, since the earthly loves are sure of immortality. + +[Sidenote: While the Dream Seemed True] + +As much as is vital will live on, unchanging, changeless, and taking on +new sweetness with the years. That which is not wholly given, which is +ours only for a little time, will fade as surely as the roses in the +marble hands. Death has saved many a heartache, by coming while the +dream still seemed true. + +In a single passage, Emerson has voiced the undying beauty and the +everlasting truth which lie beneath the perplexities of life. + +"Oh, believe as thou livest, that every sound which is spoken over the +round world, which thou oughtest to hear, will vibrate on thine ear. +Every proverb, every book, every byword which belongs to thee for aid or +comfort, shall surely come home, through open or winding passages. Every +friend, whom not thy fantastic will, but the great and tender heart in +thee craveth, shall lock thee in his embrace. And this, because the +heart in thee is the heart of all; not a valve, not a wall, not an +intersection is there anywhere in nature, but one blood rolls +uninterruptedly an endless circulation through all men, as the water of +the globe is all one sea, and, truly seen, its tide is one." + +[Sidenote: The Everlasting Love] + +Sometimes, into two hearts great enough to hold it, and into two souls +where it may forever abide, there comes the Everlasting Love. It is +elemental, like fire and the sea, with the depth and splendour of the +surge and the glory of the flame. It makes the world a vast cathedral, +in which they two may worship, and where, even in the darkness, there is +the peace which passeth all understanding, because it is of God. + +When the time of parting comes, for there is always that turning in the +road, the sadness is not so great because one must go on alone. Life +grows beautiful after a time and even wholly sweet, when a man and a +woman have so lived and loved and worked together, that death is not +good-bye, but rather--"auf wiedersehen." + + + + +The Consolations of Spinsterhood + +[Illustration] + + + + +The Consolations of Spinsterhood + + +[Sidenote: "A Great Miration"] + +The attached members of the community are wont to make what Uncle Remus +called "a great miration," when a woman deliberately chooses +spinsterhood as her lot in life, rather than marriage. + +There is an implied pity in their delicate inquiries, and always the +insinuation that the spinster in question could never have had an offer +of marriage. The husband of the lady leading the inquisition may have +been one of the spinster's first admirers, but it is never safe to say +so, for so simple a thing as this has been known to cause trouble in +families. + +If it is known positively that some man has offered her his name and his +troubles, and there is still no solitaire to be seen, the logical +hypothesis is charitably advanced, that she has been "disappointed in +love." It is possible for a spinster to be disappointed in lovers, but +only the married are ever disappointed in love. + +[Sidenote: A Cause of Stagnation] + +The married women who ask the questions and who, with gracious kindness, +hunt up attractive men for the unfortunate young woman to meet, are, all +unknowingly, one great cause of stagnation in the marriage-license +market. + +Nothing so pleases a woman safely inside the bonds of holy matrimony as +to confide her sorrows, her regrets, and her broken ideals to her +unattached friends. Many a woman thinks her ideal is broken when it is +only sprained, but the effect is the same. + +Was the coffee weak and were the waffles cold, and did Monsieur express +his opinion of such a breakfast in language more concise than elegant? +Madame weeps, and gives a lurid account of the event to the visiting +spinster. By any chance, does a girl go from her own dainty and orderly +room into an apartment strewn with masculine belongings, confounded upon +confusion such as Milton never dreamed? Does she have to wait while her +friend restores order to the chaos? If so, she puts it down in her +mental note-book, upon the page headed "Against." + +The small domestic irritations which crowd upon the attached woman from +day to day, leaving crow's feet around her eyes and delicate tracery in +her forehead, have a certain effect upon the observing. But worse than +this is the spectre of "the other woman," which haunts her friend from +day to day, to the grave--and after, if the dead could tell their +thoughts. + +If she has been safely shielded from books which were not written for +The Young Person, Mademoiselle believes that marriage is a bond which is +not to be broken except by death. It is a severe shock when she first +discovers that death changes nothing; that it is only life which +separates utterly. + +[Sidenote: That Pitiful Story] + +That pitiful story of "the other woman" comes from quarters which the +uninitiated would never suspect. With grim loyalty, married women hide +their hearts from each other. Many a smile conceals a tortured soul. +When the burden is no longer to be borne, a spinster is asked to share +it. + +A woman will forgive a man anything except disloyalty to herself. Crimes +which the law stands ready to punish rank as naught with her, if the +love between them is untarnished by doubt or mistrust. Any offence +prompted by her own charm, even a duel to the death with a rival suitor, +is easily condoned. But though God may be able to forgive disloyalty, in +her heart of hearts no woman ever can. + +[Sidenote: An Idle Flirtation] + +More often than not, it is simply an idle flirtation, or, at the most, a +passing fancy which the next week may prove transient and unreal. The +woman with the heartache will say, with wet eyes and quivering lips: "I +know, positively, that my husband has done nothing wrong. I would go to +the stake upon that belief. He is only weak and foolish and a little +vain, perhaps, and some day he will see his mistake, but I cannot bear +to see him compromise himself and me in the eyes of the world. Of +course, _I_ know," she will say, proudly, "but there are others who do +not,--who are always ready to suspect,--and I will not have them pity +me!" + +When nearly all the married friends a spinster has have come to her with +the same story, the variations being individual and of slight moment, +she begins to have serious doubts of matrimony as a satisfactory +career. Women who have been married five, ten, and even twenty years; +women with children grown and whom the world counts safely and happily +married, will sob bitterly in the embrace of the chosen girl friend. + +[Sidenote: Indifference] + +Indifference is the only counsel one has to offer, but even so, it +gradually becomes the first of the steppes upon the heart-way which lead +to an emotional Siberia. + +Of course there are women who are insanely jealous of their husbands, +and, more rarely, men who are jealous of their wives. Jealousy may be +explained as innate vanity and selfishness or as a defect in +temperament, but at any rate, it is a condition which is far past the +theoretical stage. + +It is hard for a spinster to understand why any woman should wish to +hold a man against his will. A dog who has to be kept chained, in order +to be retained as a pet, is never a very satisfactory possession. It +seems natural to apply the same reasoning to human affairs, for surely +no love is worth having which is not a free gift. + +No girl would feel particularly flattered by a proposal, if it were put +in this form: "Will you marry me? No one else will." Yet the same girl, +married, would gladly take her husband to a desert island, that she +might be sure of him forever. + +[Sidenote: Behind Prison Bars] + +Love which needs to be put behind prison bars, that it may not escape, +is not love, but attraction, fascination, or whatever the psychologists +may please. A man chooses his wife, not because there are no other +women, but in spite of them. It is a pathetic acknowledgment of his poor +judgment, if he lets the world suspect that his choice was wrong. + +There are some souls that hie them faraway from civilisation, to +convents, monasteries, and western plains, that they may keep away from +temptation. In the same fashion, woman tries to isolate her lord and +master. If he meets women at all, they are those invisibly labeled "not +dangerous." + +The world makes as many saints as sinners, and the man who needs to be +kept away from any sort of temptation is weak indeed. There are many of +his kind, but he is the better man in the end who meets it face to face, +fights with it like a soldier, and wins like a king. + +[Sidenote: The Thousand Foes] + +The mother of Sparta bade her son return with his shield or on it, and +the thought has potential might to-day. If a man honestly loves a woman, +she need have no fear of the thousand foes that wait to take him from +her. If he does not, the sooner she understands the truth, the better it +is for both. There are many people who consider love a dream, but they +usually grow to think of marriage as the cold breakfast. + +Men are but children of a larger growth. A small boy forgets his promise +to stay at home and tears madly down the street in the discordant wake +of a band. The same boy, in later years, will follow his impulses with +equal readiness, for he is taught conformity to outward laws, but very +seldom self-control. + +The fear of "the other woman" may be largely assuaged by a spinster's +confidence in her ability to cope with the difficult situation, should +it ever present itself, but there are other considerations which act as +a discouragement to matrimony. + +The chains of love may be sweet bondage, but freedom is hardly less +dear. The spinster, like the wind, may go where she listeth, and there +is no one to say her nay. A modern essayist has pointed out that "if a +mortal knows his mate cannot get away, he is apt to be severe and +unreasonable." + +The thought of being compelled to ask for money, and perhaps to meet +with refusal, frequently acts as a deterrent upon incipient love. A man +is often generous with his sweetheart and miserly with his wife. In the +days of courtship, the dollars may fly on wings in search of pleasure +for the well-beloved, and yet, after marriage, they will be squeezed +until the milling is worn smooth, the eyes start from the eagle, and +until one half-way expects to hear the noble bird scream. + +[Sidenote: Unlimited Credit] + +There are girls in every circle, married to men not by any means +insolvent, who have unlimited credit, but never any money of their own. +They have carriages but no car fare; fine stationery, monogrammed and +blazoned with a coat of arms, but not by any chance a postage stamp. + +Many a woman in such circumstances covenants with the tradespeople to +charge as merchandise what is really cash, and sells laces and ribbons +to her friends a little below cost. When a girl is approached with a +plea to have her purchases charged to her friend's account, and to pay +her friend rather than the merchant, is it not sufficient to postpone +possible matrimony at least six months? Adversity has no terrors for a +woman; she will gladly share misfortune with the man she loves, but +simple selfishness is a very different proposition. + +[Sidenote: "Wedded to their Art"] + +There are also the dazzling allurements offered by various "careers" +which bring fame and perhaps fortune. The glittering triumphs of a prima +donna, a picture on the line in the Salon, or a possible book which +shall sell into the hundred thousands, are not without a certain charm, +even though people who are "wedded to their art" sometimes get a divorce +without asking for it. + +The universal testimony of the great, that fame itself is barren, is +thrust aside as of small moment. She does not realise that it is love +for which she hungers, rather than fame, which is the admiration of the +many. Sometimes she learns that "the love of all is but a small thing to +the love of one" and that in a right marriage there would be no +conscious sacrifice. If she were not free to continue the work that she +loved, she would feel no deprivation. + +Happiness is often thrust aside because of her ideals. She demands all +things in a single man, forgetting that she, too, is human and not by +any means faultless. Some day, perhaps too late, she understands that +love and criticism lie far apart, that love brings beauty with it, and +that the marks of individuality are the very texture of charm, as the +splendour of the opal lies in its flaws. + +[Sidenote: The Vital Touch] + +There is always the doubt as to whether the seeker may be the one of all +the world to find the inmost places in her heart. Taste and temperament +may be akin, position and purpose in full accord, and yet the vital +touch may be lacking. Sometimes, in the after-years, it may be found by +two who seek for it patiently together, but too often dissonance grows +into discord and estrangement. + +The march of civilisation has done away with the odium which was +formerly the portion of the unattached woman. It is no disgrace to be a +spinster, and apparently it is fitting and proper to be an old maid, +since so many of them have "Mrs." on their cards, and since there are +so many narrow-minded and critical men who fully deserve the +appellation. + +There is no use in saying that any particular girl is a spinster from +necessity rather than choice. One has but to look at the peculiar +specimens of womankind who have married, to be certain that there is no +one on the wide earth who could not do so if she chose. + +[Sidenote: "A Discipline"] + +Some people are fond of alluding to marriage as "a discipline," and +sometimes a grey-haired matron will volunteer the information that "the +first years of marriage are anything but happy." To one who has hitherto +regarded it from a different point of view, the training-school idea is +not altogether attractive. + +Men and women who have been through it very seldom hold to their first +opinions. It is considered as a business arrangement, a social +contrivance, sometimes as an easy way to make money, but by very few as +the highest form of happiness. + +[Sidenote: Small Extravagances] + +The consolations of spinsterhood are mainly negative, but the minus sign +has its proper place in the personal equation. "The other woman" does +not exist for the spinster, save as a shadowy possibility. She is not +asked what she did with the nickel which was given her day before +yesterday, and thus forced to make confession of small extravagances, or +to reply, with such sweetness as she may muster, that she bought a lot +on a fashionable street with part of it, and has the remainder out at +interest. She does not have to stay at home from social affairs because +she has no escort, for the law has not apportioned to her a solitary +man, and she has a liberty of choice which is not accorded her married +friend. + +She is not subjected to the humiliation of asking a man for money to pay +for his own food, his own service, and even his own laundry bill. She +can usually earn her own, if the gods have not awarded her sufficient +gold, and there is no money which a woman spends so happily as that +which she has earned herself. + +The "career" lies before her, and she has only to choose the thing for +which she is best fitted, and work her way upward from the lowest ranks +to the position of a star of the first magnitude. Opportunity is but +another name for health, obstacles make firm stepping-stones, and that +which is dearly bought is by far the sweetest in the end. Of course +there are "strings to pull," but no one needs them. Success is more +lasting if it is won in an open field, without favour, and in spite of +generous measures of it bestowed upon the opposition. + +[Sidenote: The Greatest Consolation] + +But of all the consolations of spinsterhood, the greatest is this,--that +out of the dim and uncertain future, perchance in the guise of a +divorced man or a widower with four children, The Prince may yet come. + +"On his plain but trusty sword are these words only--Love and +Understand." Across the unsounded, estranging seas, with a whole world +lying immutably between, he, too, may be waiting for the revelation. He +may come as a knight of old, with banners, jewels, and flashing steel, +to the clarion ring of trumpet or cymbal, or softly, in the twilight, +like one whose presence is felt before it is made known. + +Out of the city streets The Prince may come, tired of the endless +struggle, when the tide of the human has beaten heavily upon his jaded +soul, or through the woods, with the silence of the forest still upon +him. His path may lie through an old garden, where marigold and larkspur +are thickly interwoven, and shadowy spikes of mignonette make all the +summer sweet, or through the frosty darkness, when the earth is dumb +with snow and the midnight stars have set the heavens ablaze with spires +of sapphire light. + +[Sidenote: At the First Meeting] + +Sometimes, at the first meeting The Prince is known, by that mysterious +alchemy which lies in the depths of the maiden soul and often, after +long waiting, a friend throws off his disguise and royalty stands +revealed. Sometimes he is the comrade of the far-off childish years, the +schoolmate of a later time, or someone whose hand has proved a strength +and solace in times of deepest grief. + +"To Love and Understand!" All else may be forgiven, if he has but these +two gifts, for they are as the crest and royal robe. Bare and empty his +hands may be, but these are the kingly rights. + +Slowly, and sometimes with a strange fear which makes her tremble, there +steals into her heart a great peace. With it comes infinite tenderness +and an unspeakable compassion, not only for him, but for all the world. +Love's laughter changes to questioning too deep for smiles or tears--the +boundless aspiration of the soul toward all things true. + +Playthings and tinsel are cast away. The music of the dance dies in +lingering, discordant fragments, and in its place comes the full tone of +an organ and the majestic movement of a symphony. The web of the daily +living grows beautiful in the new light, for the Hand that set the +pattern has been gently laid upon her loom. + +[Sidenote: Through all the Years to Come] + +Through all the years to come, they are to be together; he and she. +There will be no terror in the wilderness, no sting in poverty or +defeat--hunger and thirst can be forgotten. Wherever Destiny may point +the way, they are to fare together--he and she. + +Somewhere, in a world whose only shame is its uncleanliness, they two +are to make a home and keep the little space around them wholly clean. +Somewhere, they two will show the world that the old ideals are not +lost; that a man and a woman may still live together in supreme and +lasting content. Somewhere, too, they will teach anew the old lesson, +that it is unyielding Honour at the core of things that keeps them sound +and sweet. + +There is nothing in all life so beautiful as that first dream of Home; a +place where there is balm for the tortured soul, new courage for the +wavering soul, rest for the tired soul, and stronger trust for the soul +caught in the snares of doubt and disbelief--a place where one may be +wholly and joyfully one's self, where one's mistakes are never faults, +where pardon ever anticipates the asking, where love follows swiftly +upon understanding and understanding upon love. + +[Sidenote: The Sceptre of the King] + +"To Love and Understand!" He who holds the sceptre of the king may rule +right royally. There is solace for the tired traveller within the +cloister of that other heart, and the pitiful chains which some call +marriage would rust and decay at the entrance to that holy place. + +The spotless peace within the inner chamber is his alone. There his +motives are never questioned, nor his words distorted beyond their +meaning, and his daily purposes are ever read aright. + +The dream is forever centred upon the coming of The Prince. Sometimes, +with the grim irony of Fate, he is seen when both are bound--and there +are some who deem a heartache too great a price to pay for the +revelation. Now and then, after many years, he comes to claim his own. + +[Sidenote: The Grey Angel and the Prince] + +And sometimes, too, when one has long waited and prayed for his coming; +when the sight has grown dim with watching and the frosty rime of winter +has softly touched the dark hair, the Grey Angel takes pity and closes +the tired eyes. + +The lavender and the dead rose-leaves breathe a hushed fragrance from +the heaps of long-stored linen; the cricket and the tiny clock keep up +their cheery song, because they do not know their gentle mistress can no +longer hear. The slanting sunbeams of afternoon mark out a delicate +tracery upon the floor, and the shadow of the rose-geranium in the +window is silhouetted upon the opposite wall. And then, into the quiet +house, steals something which seems like an infinite calm. + +[Sidenote: The Exquisite Peace] + +But the dainty little lady who lies fast asleep, with the sun resting +caressingly upon her, has gained, in that mystical moment, both +understanding and love. For there comes an exquisite peace upon her--as +though she had found The Prince. + + +THE END. + + + + + +End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of The Spinster Book, by Myrtle Reed + +*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK THE SPINSTER BOOK *** + +***** This file should be named 18071-8.txt or 18071-8.zip ***** +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: + http://www.gutenberg.org/1/8/0/7/18071/ + +Produced by Susan Skinner and the Online Distributed +Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net + + +Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions +will be renamed. + +Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no +one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation +(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without +permission and without paying copyright royalties. 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You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: The Spinster Book + +Author: Myrtle Reed + +Release Date: March 29, 2006 [EBook #18071] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1 + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK THE SPINSTER BOOK *** + + + + +Produced by Susan Skinner and the Online Distributed +Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net + + + + + + +</pre> + + +<div class='center'> +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 392px;"> +<img src="images/cover.jpg" width="392" height="600" alt="Front Cover" title="" /> +</div></div> + +<hr style="width: 65%;" /> + +<div class="figleft" style="width: 15%; border: solid 1px; border-color: #FF0000"> +<img src="images/illus001a.png" width="98" height="600" alt="Decorative" title="" /> +</div> + +<div class="figright" style="width: 80%;"> +<div style=" border: solid 1px; border-color: #FF0000; margin-bottom: 2em;"><h1>The<br /> +Spinster<br /> +Book</h1></div> + + +<div style="border: solid 1px; border-color: #FF0000; margin-bottom: 2em;"><h2>By Myrtle Reed</h2></div> + +<div style="border: solid 1px; border-color: #FF0000; margin-bottom: 2em;"><img src="images/illus001b.png" width="200" height="209" alt="Decorative" title="" /></div> + + +<div style="border: solid 1px; border-color: #FF0000; margin-bottom: 2em;"><p class="center">G. P. PUTNAM'S SONS<br /> +New York and London<br /> +The Knickerbocker Press</p> + +<p class="center">1907</p></div> +</div> + +<hr style="width: 65%;" /> + +<p class="center"><span class="smcap">Copyright</span>, 1901<br /> +<span style="font-size: small;">BY</span><br /> +MYRTLE REED</p> + +<hr style="width: 65%;" /> + +<p class="center">Set up and electrotyped, September, 1901</p> + +<p class="center">Reprinted, November, 1901; April, 1902; August, 1902; April, 1903; +July, 1903; September, 1903; June, 1904; October, 1904; June, 1905; +September, 1905; March, 1906; September, 1906; November, 1906; +July, 1907.</p> + + +<p class="center">The Knickerbocker Press, New York</p> + +<hr style="width: 95%;" /> + +<div style="border: solid 2px; border-color: #FF0000; margin-bottom: 2em;"> +<p class="center">BY MYRTLE REED.</p> + +<hr style="width: 5%;" /> + +<p class="center"> +LOVE LETTERS OF A MUSICIAN.<br /> +LATER LOVE LETTERS OF A MUSICIAN.<br /> +THE SPINSTER BOOK.<br /> +LAVENDER AND OLD LACE.<br /> +PICKABACK SONGS.<br /> +THE SHADOW OF VICTORY.<br /> +THE MASTER'S VIOLIN.<br /> +THE BOOK OF CLEVER BEASTS.<br /> +AT THE SIGN OF THE JACK-O'-LANTERN.<br /> +A SPINNER IN THE SUN.<br /> +LOVE AFFAIRS OF LITERARY MEN.<br /> +</p> +</div> + +<hr style="width: 65%;" /> + +<h2 style="color: red;"><a name="Contents" id="Contents"></a>Contents</h2> + + + +<div class='center'> +<table border="0" cellpadding="4" cellspacing="0" summary=""> +<tr><td align='right'></td><td align='right'>PAGE</td></tr> +<tr><td align='left'><a href="#Notes_on_Men">Notes on Men</a></td><td align='right'><a href="#Page_3">3</a></td></tr> +<tr><td align='left'><a href="#Concerning_Women">Concerning Women</a></td><td align='right'><a href="#Page_25">25</a></td></tr> +<tr><td align='left'><a href="#The_Philosophy_of_Love">The Philosophy of Love</a></td><td align='right'><a href="#Page_49">49</a></td></tr> +<tr><td align='left'><a href="#The_Lost_Art_of_Courtship">The Lost Art of Courtship</a></td><td align='right'><a href="#Page_71">71</a></td></tr> +<tr><td align='left'><a href="#The_Natural_History_of_Proposals">The Natural History of Proposals</a></td><td align='right'><a href="#Page_93">93</a></td></tr> +<tr><td align='left'><a href="#Love_Letters_Old_and_New">Love Letters: Old and New</a></td><td align='right'><a href="#Page_115">115</a></td></tr> +<tr><td align='left'><a href="#An_Inquiry_into_Marriage">An Inquiry into Marriage</a></td><td align='right'><a href="#Page_137">137</a></td></tr> +<tr><td align='left'><a href="#The_Physiology_of_Vanity">The Physiology of Vanity</a></td><td align='right'><a href="#Page_161">161</a></td></tr> +<tr><td align='left'><a href="#Widowers_and_Widows">Widowers and Widows</a></td><td align='right'><a href="#Page_183">183</a></td></tr> +<tr><td align='left'><a href="#The_Consolations_of_Spinsterhood">The Consolations of Spinsterhood</a></td><td align='right'><a href="#Page_205">205</a></td></tr> +</table></div> + + +<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_1" id="Page_1">[Pg 1]</a></span></p> + + + +<hr style="width: 65%;" /><p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_2" id="Page_2">[Pg 2]</a></span></p> +<h2><a name="Notes_on_Men" id="Notes_on_Men"></a>Notes on Men</h2> + +<div class='center'> +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 600px;"> +<img src="images/illus002.png" width="600" height="285" alt="" title="" /> +</div></div><p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_3" id="Page_3">[Pg 3]</a></span></p> + + + +<hr style="width: 65%;" /> +<h2 style="color: red;">Notes on Men</h2> + +<div class="sidenote">"The +Proper +Study"</div> + + +<p>If "the proper study of mankind is man," +it is also the chief delight of woman. It +is not surprising that men are conceited, since +the thought of the entire population is centred +upon them.</p> + +<p>Women are wont to consider man in general +as a simple creation. It is not until the +individual comes into the field of the feminine +telescope, and his peculiarities are thrown into +high relief, that he is seen and judged at his +true value.</p> + +<p>When a girl once turns her attention from +the species to the individual, her parlour becomes +a sort of psychological laboratory in +which she conducts various experiments; +not, however, without the loss of friends. +For men are impatient of the spirit of inquiry +in woman.</p> + +<div class="sidenote">The +Phenomena +of +Affection</div> + +<p>How shall a girl acquire her knowledge of +the phenomena of affection, if men are not<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_4" id="Page_4">[Pg 4]</a></span> +willing to be questioned upon the subject? +What is more natural than to seek wisdom +from the man a girl has just refused to marry? +Why should she not ask if he has ever loved +before, how long he has loved her, if he were +not surprised when he found it out, and how +he feels in her presence?</p> + +<p>Yet a sensitive spinster is repeatedly astonished +at finding her lover transformed into +a fiend, without other provocation than this. +He accuses her of being "a heartless coquette," +of having "led him on,"—whatever +that may mean,—and he does not care to have +her for his sister, or even for his friend.</p> + +<div class="sidenote">Original +Research</div> + +<p>Occasionally a charitable man will open his +heart for the benefit of the patient student. If +he is of a scientific turn of mind, with a fondness +for original research, he may even take a +melancholy pleasure in the analysis.</p> + +<p>Thus she learns that he thought he had +loved, until he cared for her, but in the light +of the new passion he sees clearly that the +others were mere, idle flirtations. To her +surprise, she also discovers that he has loved +her a long time but has never dared to speak +of it before, and that this feeling, compared<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_5" id="Page_5">[Pg 5]</a></span> +with the others, is as wine unto water. In +her presence he is uplifted, exalted, and often +afraid, for very love of her.</p> + +<p>Next to a proposal, the most interesting +thing in the world to a woman is this kind of +analysis. If a man is clever at it, he may +change a decided refusal to a timid promise to +"think about it." The man who hesitates +may be lost, but the woman who hesitates is +surely won.</p> + +<p>In the beginning, the student is often perplexed +by the magnitude of the task which +lies before her. Later, she comes to know +that men, like cats, need only to be stroked +in the right direction. The problem thus becomes +a question of direction, which is seldom +as simple as it looks.</p> + +<div class="sidenote">The +Personal +Equation</div> + +<p>Yet men, as a class, are easier to understand +than women, because they are less emotional. +It is emotion which complicates the personal +equation with radicals and quadratics, and life +which proceeds upon predestined lines soon +becomes monotonous and loses its charm. +The involved <i>x</i> in the equation continually +postpones the definite result, which may +often be surmised, but never achieved.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_6" id="Page_6">[Pg 6]</a></span></p> + +<p>Still, there is little doubt as to the proper +method, for some of the radicals must necessarily +appear in the result. Man's conceit is +his social foundation and when the vulnerable +spot is once found in the armour of Achilles, +the overthrow of the strenuous Greek is near +at hand.</p> + +<p>There is nothing in the world as harmless +and as utterly joyous as man's conceit. The +woman who will not pander to it is ungracious +indeed.</p> + +<p>Man's interest in himself is purely altruistic +and springs from an unselfish desire to please. +He values physical symmetry because one's +first impression of him is apt to be favourable. +Manly accomplishments and evidences of good +breeding are desirable for the same reason, +and he likes to think his way of doing things +is the best, regardless of actual effectiveness.</p> + +<div class="sidenote">Pencils</div> + +<p>For instance, there seems to be no good +reason why a man's way of sharpening a pencil +is any better than a woman's. It is difficult +to see just why it is advisable to cover +the thumb with powdered graphite, and expose +that useful member to possible amputation +by a knife directed uncompromisingly<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_7" id="Page_7">[Pg 7]</a></span> +toward it, when the pencil might be pointed +the other way, the risk of amputation avoided, +and the shavings and pulverised graphite left +safely to the action of gravitation and centrifugal +force. Yet the entire race of men refuse +to see the true value of the feminine method, +and, indeed, any man would rather sharpen +any woman's pencil than see her do it herself.</p> + +<div class="sidenote">The +"Supreme +Conceit"</div> + +<p>It pleases a man very much to be told that +he "knows the world," even though his acquaintance +be limited to the flesh and the +devil—a gentleman, by the way, who is +much misunderstood and whose faults are +persistently exaggerated. But man's supreme +conceit is in regard to his personal appearance. +Let a single entry in a laboratory note-book +suffice for proof.</p> + +<p><i>Time, evening. <span class="smcap">Man</span> is reading a story in +a current magazine to the <span class="smcap">Girl</span> he is calling +upon.</i></p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Man</span>. "Are you interested in this?"</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Girl</span>. "Certainly, but I can think of other +things too, can't I?"</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Man</span>. "That depends on the 'other things.' +What are they?"</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Girl</span>. (<i>Calmly.</i>) "I was just thinking that<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_8" id="Page_8">[Pg 8]</a></span> +you are an extremely handsome man, but of +course you know that."</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Man</span>. (<i>Crimsoning to his temples.</i>) "You +flatter me!" (<i>Resumes reading.</i>)</p> + +<p>Girl. (<i>Awaits developments.</i>)</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Man</span>. (<i>After a little.</i>) "I didn't know +you thought I was good-looking."</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Girl</span>. (<i>Demurely.</i>) "Didn't you?"</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Man</span>. (<i>Clears his throat and continues the +story.</i>)</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Man</span>. (<i>After a few minutes.</i>) "Did you +ever hear anybody else say that?"</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Girl</span>. "Say what?"</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Man</span>. "Why, that I was—that I was—well, +good-looking, you know?"</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Girl</span>. "Oh, yes! Lots of people!"</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Man</span>. (<i>After reading half a page.</i>) "I +don't think this is so very interesting, do you?"</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Girl</span>. "No, it isn't. It doesn't carry out +the promise of its beginning."</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Man</span>. (<i>Closes magazine and wanders aimlessly +toward the mirror in the mantel.</i>)</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Man</span>. "Which way do you like my hair; +this way, or parted in the middle?"</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Girl</span>. "I don't know—this way, I guess. +I've never seen it parted in the middle."<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_9" id="Page_9">[Pg 9]</a></span></p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Man</span>. (<i>Taking out pocket comb and rapidly +parting his hair in the middle.</i>) "There! +Which way do you like it?"</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Girl</span>. (<i>Judicially.</i>) "I don't know. It's +really a very hard question to decide."</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Man</span>. (<i>Reminiscently.</i>) "I've gone off my +looks a good deal lately. I used to be a lot +better looking than I am now."</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Girl</span>. (<i>Softly.</i>) "I'm glad I didn't know +you then."</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Man</span>. (<i>In apparent astonishment.</i>) "Why?"</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Girl</span>. "Because I might not have been +heart whole, as I am now."</p> + +<p>(<i>Long silence.</i>)</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Man</span>. (<i>With sudden enthusiasm.</i>) "I'll +tell you, though, I really do look well in evening +dress."</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Girl</span>. "I haven't a doubt of it, even +though I've never seen you wear it."</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Man</span>. (<i>After brief meditation.</i>) "Let's +go and hear Melba next week, will you? I +meant to ask you when I first came in, but +we got to reading."</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Girl</span>. "I shall be charmed."</p> + +<p><i>Next day, <span class="smcap">Girl</span> gets a box of chocolates and a +dozen American Beauties—in February at that.</i><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_10" id="Page_10">[Pg 10]</a></span></p> + +<div class="sidenote">Dimples +and Dress +Clothes</div> + +<p>Tell a man he has a dimple and he will say +"where?" in pleased surprise, meanwhile +putting his finger straight into it. He has +studied that dimple in the mirror too many +times to be unmindful of its geography.</p> + +<p>Let the woman dearest to a man say, tenderly: +"You were so handsome to-night, +dear—I was proud of you." See his face +light up with noble, unselfish joy, because he +has given such pleasure to others!</p> + +<p>All the married men at evening receptions +have gone because they "look so well in +evening dress," and because "so few men +can wear dress clothes really well." In truth, +it does require distinction and grace of bearing, +if a man would not be mistaken for a +waiter.</p> + +<p>Man's conceit is not love of himself but of +his fellow-men. The man who is in love with +himself need not fear that any woman will +ever become a serious rival. Not unfrequently, +when a man asks a woman to marry +him, he means that he wants her to help him +love himself, and if, blinded by her own feeling, +she takes him for her captain, her pleasure +craft becomes a pirate ship, the colours change<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_11" id="Page_11">[Pg 11]</a></span> +to a black flag with a sinister sign, and her +inevitable destiny is the coral reef.</p> + +<div class="sidenote">Palmistry</div> + +<p>Palmistry does very well for a beginning +if a man is inclined to be shy. It leads by +gentle and almost imperceptible degrees to +that most interesting of all subjects, himself, +and to that tactful comment, dearest of all to +the masculine heart; "You are not like other +men!"</p> + +<p>A man will spend an entire evening, utterly +oblivious of the lapse of time, while a woman +subjects him to careful analysis. But sympathy, +rather than sarcasm, must be her guide—if +she wants him to come again. A man +will make a comrade of the woman who stimulates +him to higher achievement, but he will +love the one who makes herself a mirror for +his conceit.</p> + +<p>Men claim that women cannot keep a secret, +but it is a common failing. A man will always +tell some one person the thing which is told +him in confidence. If he is married, he tells +his wife. Then the exclusive bit of news is +rapidly syndicated, and by gentle degrees, the +secret is diffused through the community. +This is the most pathetic thing in matrimony<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_12" id="Page_12">[Pg 12]</a></span>—the +regularity with which husbands relate the +irregularities of their friends. Very little of +the world's woe is caused by silence, however +it may be in fiction and the drama.</p> + +<div class="sidenote">Exchange +of +Confidence</div> + +<p>In return for the generous confidence regarding +other people's doings, the married +man is made conversant with those things +which his wife deems it right and proper for +him to know. And he is not unhappy, for it +isn't what he doesn't know that troubles a +man, but what he knows he doesn't know.</p> + +<p>The masculine nature is less capable of concealment +than the feminine. Where men are +frankly selfish, women are secretly so. Man's +vices are few and comprehensive; woman's +petty and innumerable. Any man who is not +in the penitentiary has at most but three or +four, while a woman will hide a dozen under +her social mask and defy detection.</p> + +<p>Women are said to be fickle, but are they +more so than men? A man's ideal is as variable +as the wind. What he thinks is his ideal +of woman is usually a glorified image of the +last girl he happened to admire. The man +who has had a decided preference for blondes +all his life, finally installs a brown-eyed deity<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_13" id="Page_13">[Pg 13]</a></span> +at his hearthstone. If he has been fond of +petite and coquettish damsels, he marries some +Diana moulded on large lines and unconcerned +as to mice.</p> + +<p>A man will ride, row, and swim with one +girl and marry another who is afraid of +horses, turns pale at the mention of a boat, +and who would look forward to an interview +with His Satanic Majesty with more +ease and confidence than to a dip in the summer +sea.</p> + +<div class="sidenote">Portia +and +Carmen</div> + +<p>Theoretically, men admire "reasonable +women," with the uncommon quality which +is called "common sense," but it is the +woman of caprice, the sweet, illogical despot +of a thousand moods, who is most often +and most tenderly loved. Man is by nature a +discoverer. It is not beauty which holds +him, but rather mystery and charm. To see +the one woman through all the changing +moods—to discern Portia through Carmen's +witchery—is the thing above all others +which captivates a man.</p> + +<div class="sidenote">The +Dorcas +Ideal</div> + +<p>Deep in his heart, man cherishes the Dorcas +ideal. The old, lingering notions of womanliness +are not quite dispelled, but in this, as in<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_14" id="Page_14">[Pg 14]</a></span> +other things, nothing sickens a man of his +pet theory like seeing it in operation.</p> + +<p>It may be a charming sight to behold a girl +stirring cheese in the chafing-dish, wearing +an air of deep concern when it "bunnies" at +the sides and requires still more skill. It may +also be attractive to see white fingers weave +wonders with fine linen and delicate silks, +with pretty eagerness as to shade and +stitch.</p> + +<p>But in the after-years, when his divinity, +redolent of the kitchen, meets him at the door, +with hair dishevelled and fingers bandaged, +it is subtly different from the chafing-dish +days, and the crisp chops, generously black +with charcoal, are not as good as her rarebits +used to be. The memory of the silk and fine +linen also fades somewhat, in the presence of +darning which contains hard lumps and +patches which immediately come off.</p> + +<p>It has become the fashion to speak of woman +as the eager hunter, and man as the +timid, reluctant prey. The comic papers may +have started it, but modern society certainly +lends colour to the pretty theory. It is frequently +attributed to Mr. Darwin, but he is at<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_15" id="Page_15">[Pg 15]</a></span> +times unjustly blamed by those who do not +read his pleasing works.</p> + +<p>The complexities in man's personal equation +are caused by variants of three emotions; +a mutable fondness for women, according +to temperament and opportunity, a more uniform +feeling toward money, and the universal, +devastating desire—the old, old passion for +food.</p> + +<div class="sidenote">The +Key of +Happiness</div> + +<p>The first variant is but partially under the +control of any particular woman, and the less +she concerns herself with the second, the better +it is for both, but she who stimulates and +satisfies the third variant holds in her hands +the golden key of happiness. No woman +need envy the Sphinx her wisdom if she has +learned the uses of silence and never asks a +favour of a hungry man.</p> + +<p>A woman makes her chief mistake when +she judges a man by herself and attributes to +him indirection and complexity of motive. +When she wishes to attract a particular man, +she goes at it indirectly. She makes friends +of "his sisters, his cousins, and his aunts," and +assumes an interest in his chum. She ignores +him at first and thus arouses his curiosity.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_16" id="Page_16">[Pg 16]</a></span> +Later, she condescends to smile upon him and +he is mildly pleased, because he thinks he has +been working for that very smile and has +finally won it. In this manner he is lured +toward the net.</p> + +<div class="sidenote">The +Wise +Virgin</div> + +<p>When a girl systematically and effectively +feeds a man, she is leading trumps. He insensibly +associates her with his comfort and +thus she becomes his necessity. When a +man seeks a woman's society it is because he +has need of her, not because he thinks she +has need of him; and the parlour of the girl +who realises it, is the envy of every unattached +damsel on the street. If the wise one is an +expert with the chafing-dish, she may frequently +bag desirable game, while the foolish +virgins who have no alcohol in their lamps +are hunting eagerly for the trail.</p> + +<p>Because she herself works indirectly, she +thinks he intends a tender look at another girl +for a carom shot, and frequently a far-sighted +maiden can see the evidences of a consuming +passion for herself in a man's devotion to +someone else.</p> + +<p>Men are not sufficiently diplomatic to bother +with finesse of this kind. Other things being<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_17" id="Page_17">[Pg 17]</a></span> +equal, a man goes to see the girl he wants to +see. It does not often occur to her that he +may not want to see her, may be interested in +someone else, or that he may have forgotten +all about her.</p> + +<div class="sidenote">"Encouragement"</div> + +<p>There is a common feminine delusion to +the effect that men need "encouragement" +and there is no term which is more misused. +A fool may need "encouragement," but the +man who wants a girl will go after her, regardless +of obstacles. As for him, if he is fed +at her house, even irregularly, he may know +that she looks with favour upon his suit.</p> + +<div class="sidenote">"Platonic +Friendship"</div> + +<p>The parents of both, the neighbours, and +even the girl herself, usually know that a +man is in love before he finds it out. Sometimes +he has to be told. He has approached a +stage of acute and immediate peril when he +recognises what he calls "a platonic friendship."</p> + +<p>Young men believe platonic friendship possible; +old men know better—but when one +man learns to profit by the experience of another, +we may look for mosquitoes at Christmas +and holly in June.</p> + +<p>There is an exquisite danger attached to<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_18" id="Page_18">[Pg 18]</a></span> +friendships of this kind, and is it not danger, +rather than variety, which is "the spice of +life?" Relieved of the presence of that social +pace-maker, the chaperone, the disciples of +Plato are wont to take long walks, and +further on, they spend whole days in the +country with book and wheel.</p> + +<p>A book is a mysterious bond of union, and +by their taste in books do a man and woman +unerringly know each other. Two people +who unite in admiration of Browning are apt +to admire each other, and those who habitually +seek Emerson for new courage may easily +find the world more kindly if they face it +hand in hand.</p> + +<p>A latter-day philosopher has remarked upon +the subtle sympathy produced by marked +passages. "The method is so easy and so +unsuspect. You have only to put faint pencil +marks against the tenderest passages in your +favourite new poet, and lend the volume to +Her, and She has only to leave here and there +the dropped violet of a timid, confirmatory +initial, for you to know your fate."</p> + +<div class="sidenote">The +High-Priest</div> + +<p>A man never has a platonic friendship with +a woman it is impossible for him to love.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_19" id="Page_19">[Pg 19]</a></span> +Cupid is the high-priest at these rites of reading +aloud and discussing everything under the +sun. The two become so closely bound that +one arrow strikes both, and often the happiest +marriages are those whose love has so begun, +for when the Great Passion dies, as it sometimes +does, sympathy and mutual understanding +may yield a generous measure of content.</p> + +<p>The present happy era of fiction closes a +story abruptly at the altar or else begins it +immediately after the ceremony. Thence the +enthralled reader is conducted through rapture, +doubt, misunderstanding, indifference, complications, +recrimination, and estrangement to the +logical end in cynicism and the divorce court.</p> + +<p>In the books which women write, the hero +of the story shoulders the blame, and often +has to bear his creator's vituperation in addition +to his other troubles. When a man +essays this theme in fiction, he shows clearly +that it is the woman's fault. When the situation +is presented outside of books, the happily +married critics distribute condemnation +in the same way, it being customary for each +partner in a happy marriage to claim the entire +credit for the mutual content.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_20" id="Page_20">[Pg 20]</a></span></p> + +<div class="sidenote">Pursuit +and Possession</div> + +<p>Over the afternoon tea cups it has been +decided with unusual and refreshing accord, +that "it is pursuit and not possession with a +man." True—but is it less true with women?</p> + +<p>When Her Ladyship finally acquires the +sealskin coat on which she has long set her +heart, does she continue to scan the advertisements? +Does she still coddle him who hath +all power as to sealskin coats, with tempting +dishes and unusual smiles? Not unless she +wants something else.</p> + +<p>Still, it is woman's tendency to make the +best of what she has, and man's to reach out +for what he has not. Man spends his life in +the effort to realise the ideals which, like will-o'-the-wisps, +hover just beyond him. Woman, +on the contrary, brings into her life what +grace she may, by idealising her reals.</p> + +<p>In her secret heart, woman holds her unchanging +ideal of her own possible perfection. +Sometimes a man suspects this, and loves her +all the more for the sweet guardian angel +which is thus enthroned. Other men, less +fine, consider an ideal a sort of disease—and +they are usually a certain specific.</p> + +<p>But, after all, men are as women make them.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_21" id="Page_21">[Pg 21]</a></span> +Cleopatra and Helen of Troy swayed empires +and rocked thrones. There is no woman who +does not hold within her little hands some +man's achievement, some man's future, and +his belief in woman and God.</p> + +<p>She may fire him with high ambition, exalt +him with noble striving, or make him a +coward and a thief. She may show him the +way to the gold of the world, or blind him +with tinsel which he may not keep. It is she +who leads him to the door of glory and so +thrills him with majestic purpose, that nothing +this side Heaven seems beyond his eager +reach.</p> + +<div class="sidenote">The +Potter's +Hand</div> + +<p>Upon his heart she may write ecstasy or +black despair. Through the long night she +may ever beckon, whispering courage, and +by her magic making victory of defeat. It is +for her to say whether his face shall be world-scarred +and weary, hiding tragedy behind its +piteous lines; whether there shall be light or +darkness in his soul. He cannot escape those +soft, compelling fingers; she is the arbiter of +his destiny—for like clay in the potter's hands, +she moulds him as she will.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_23" id="Page_23">[Pg 23]</a></span><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_22" id="Page_22">[Pg 22]</a></span></p> + + + +<hr style="width: 65%;" /><p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_24" id="Page_24">[Pg 24]</a></span></p> +<h2><a name="Concerning_Women" id="Concerning_Women"></a>Concerning Women</h2> + +<div class='center'> +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 600px;"> +<img src="images/illus003.png" width="600" height="315" alt="" title="" /> +</div></div><p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_25" id="Page_25">[Pg 25]</a></span></p> + + + +<hr style="width: 65%;" /> +<h2 style="color: red;">Concerning Women</h2> + + +<p>In order to be happy, a woman needs only a +good digestion, a satisfactory complexion, +and a lover. The first requirement being +met, the second is not difficult to obtain, and +the third follows as a matter of course.</p> + +<div class="sidenote">Nagging</div> + +<p>He was a wise philosopher who first considered +crime as disease, for women are +naturally sweet-tempered and charming. The +shrew and the scold are to be reformed only +by a physician, and as for nagging, is it not +allopathic scolding in homeopathic doses?</p> + +<p>A well woman is usually a happy one, and +incidentally, those around her share her content. +The irritation produced by fifteen +minutes of nagging speaks volumes for the +personal influence which might be directed +the other way, and the desired result more +easily obtained.</p> + +<div class="sidenote">Diversions</div> + +<p>The sun around which woman revolves is +Love. Her whole life is spent in search of it,<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_26" id="Page_26">[Pg 26]</a></span> +consciously or unconsciously. Incidental +diversions in the way of "career" and "independence" +are usually caused by domestic +unhappiness, or, in the case of spinsters, the +fear of it.</p> + +<p>If all men were lovers, there would be no +"new woman" movement, no sociological +studies of "Woman in Business," no ponderous +analyses of "The Industrial Condition of +Women" in weighty journals. Still more +than a man, a woman needs a home, though +it be but the tiniest room.</p> + +<p>Even the self-reliant woman of affairs who +battles bravely by day in the commercial arena +has her little nook, made dainty by feminine +touches, to which she gladly creeps at night. +Would it not be sweeter if it were shared by +one who would always love her? As truly +as she needs her bread and meat, woman +needs love, and, did he but know it, man +needs it too, though in lesser degree.</p> + +<div class="sidenote">The Verity +and the +Vision</div> + +<p>Lacking the daily expression of it which is +the sweet unction of her hungry soul, she +seeks solace in an ideal world of her own +making. It is because the verity jars upon her +vision that she takes a melancholy view of life.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_27" id="Page_27">[Pg 27]</a></span></p> + +<p>One of woman's keenest pleasures is sorrow. +Her tears are not all pain. She goes +to the theatre, not to laugh, but to weep. +The clever playwright who closes his last +scene with a bitter parting is sure of a large +clientage, composed almost wholly of women. +Sad books are written by men, with an eye to +women readers, and women dearly love to +wear the willow in print.</p> + +<p>Women are unconscious queens of tragedy. +Each one, in thought, plays to a sympathetic +but invisible audience. She lifts her daily +living to a plane of art, finding in fiction, +music, pictures, and the stage continual reminders +of her own experience.</p> + +<p>Does her husband, distraught with business +cares, leave her hurriedly and without the +customary morning kiss? Woman, on her +way to market, rapidly reviews similar instances +in fiction, in which this first forgetting +proved to be "the little rift within the lute."</p> + +<p>The pictures of distracted ladies, wild as to +hair and vision, are sold in photogravure by +countless thousands—to women. An attraction +on the boards which is rumoured to be +"so sad," leads woman to economise in the<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_28" id="Page_28">[Pg 28]</a></span> +matter of roasts and desserts that she may go +and enjoy an afternoon of misery. Girls +suffer all their lives long from being taken to +mirthful plays, or to vaudeville, which is unmixed +delight to a man and intolerably cheerful +to a woman.</p> + +<div class="sidenote">Woman +and +Death</div> + +<p>Woman and Death are close friends in art. +Opera is her greatest joy, because a great +many people are slaughtered in the course of +a single performance, and somebody usually +goes raving mad for love. When Melba sings +the mad scene from <i>Lucia</i>, and that beautiful +voice descends by lingering half-notes from +madness and nameless longing to love and +prayer, the women in the house sob in sheer +delight and clutch the hands of their companions +in an ecstasy of pain.</p> + +<p>In proportion as women enjoy sorrow, men +shrink from it. A man cannot bear to be +continually reminded of the woman he has +loved and lost, while woman's dearest keepsakes +are old love letters and the shoes of a +little child. If the lover or the child is dead, +the treasures are never to be duplicated or replaced, +but if the pristine owner of the shoes +has grown to stalwart manhood and the<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_29" id="Page_29">[Pg 29]</a></span> +writer of the love letters is a tender and +devoted husband, the sorrowful interest is +merely mitigated. It is not by any means +lost.</p> + +<div class="sidenote">"The +Eternal +Womanly"</div> + +<p>Just why it should be considered sad to +marry one's lover and for a child to grow up, +can never be understood by men. There are +many things in the "eternal womanly" which +men understand about as well as a kitten +does the binomial theorem, but some mysteries +become simple enough when the leading +fact is grasped—that woman's song of life +is written in a minor key and that she actually +enjoys the semblance of sorrow. Still, the +average woman wishes to be idealised and +strongly objects to being understood.</p> + +<div class="sidenote">"Tears, +Idle +Tears"</div> + +<p>Woman's tears mean no more than the +sparks from an overcharged dynamo; they +are simply emotional relief. Married men +gradually come to realise it, and this is why a +suspicion of tears in his sweetheart's eyes +means infinitely more to a lover than a fit of +hysterics does to a husband.</p> + +<p>We are wont to speak of woman's tenderness, +but there is no tenderness like that of a +man for the woman he loves when she is tired<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_30" id="Page_30">[Pg 30]</a></span> +or troubled, and the man who has learned +simply to love a woman at crucial moments, +and to postpone the inevitable idiotic questioning +till a more auspicious time, has in his +hands the talisman of domestic felicity.</p> + +<p>If by any chance the lachrymal glands were +to be dried up, woman's life would lose a +goodly share of its charm. There is nothing +to cry on which compares with a man's +shoulder; almost any man will do at a critical +moment; but the clavicle of a lover is by +far the most desirable. If the flood is copious +and a collar or an immaculate shirt-front can +be spoiled, the scene acquires new and distinct +value. A pillow does very well, lacking +the shoulder, for many of the most attractive +women in fiction habitually cry into pillows—because +they have no lover, or because the +brute dislikes tears.</p> + +<p>When grief strikes deep, a woman's eyes +are dry. Her soul shudders and there is a +hand upon her heart whose icy fingers clutch +at the inward fibre in a very real physical +pain. There are no tears for times like these; +the inner depths, bare and quivering, are +healed by no such balm as this.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_31" id="Page_31">[Pg 31]</a></span></p> + +<p>A sudden blow leaves a woman as cold as a +marble statue and absolutely dumb as to the +thing which lies upon her heart. When the +tears begin to flow, it means that resignation +and content will surely come. On the contrary, +when once or twice in a lifetime a +man is moved to tears, there is nothing so +terrible and so hopeless as his sobbing grief.</p> + +<p>Married and unmarried women waste a +great deal of time in feeling sorry for each +other. It never occurs to a married woman +that a spinster may not care to take the troublous +step. An ideal lover in one's heart is +less strain upon the imagination than the +transfiguration of a man who goes around in +his shirt-sleeves and dispenses with his collar +at ninety degrees Fahrenheit.</p> + +<div class="sidenote">The +Unknown +Country</div> + +<p>If fiction dealt pleasantly with men who are +unmindful of small courtesies, the unknown +country beyond the altar would lose some of +its fear. If the way of an engaged girl lies +past a barber shop,—which very seldom has +a curtain, by the way,—and she happens to +think that she may some day behold her beloved +in the dangerous act of shaving himself, +it immediately hardens her heart. One<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_32" id="Page_32">[Pg 32]</a></span> +glimpse of one face covered with lather will +postpone one wedding-day five weeks. Many +a lover has attributed to caprice or coquetry +the fault which lies at the door of the "tonsorial +parlour."</p> + +<div class="sidenote">Other +Feminine +Eyes</div> + +<p>A woman may be a mystery to a man and +to herself, but never to another woman. +There is no concealment which is effectual +when other feminine eyes are fixed upon one's +small and harmless schemes. A glance at a +girl's dressing-table is sufficient for the intimate +friend—she does not need to ask questions; +and indeed, there are few situations in +life in which the necessity for direct questions +is not a confession of individual weakness.</p> + +<p>If fourteen different kinds of creams and +emollients are within easy reach, the girl has +an admirer who is fond of out-door sports and +has not yet declared himself. If the curling +iron is kept hot, it is because he has looked +approval when her hair was waved. If there +is a box of rouge but half concealed, the girl +thinks the man is a fatuous idiot and hourly +expects a proposal.</p> + +<p>If the various drugs are in the dental line, +the man is a cheerful soul with a tendency to<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_33" id="Page_33">[Pg 33]</a></span> +be humorous. If she is particular as to small +details of scolding locks and eyebrows, he +probably wears glasses. If she devotes unusual +attention to her nails, the affair has +progressed to that interesting stage where he +may hold her hand for a few minutes at a +time.</p> + +<p>If she selects her handkerchief with extreme +care,—one with an initial and a faint +odour of violet—she expects to give it to him +to carry and to forget to ask for it. If he +makes an extra call in order to return it, it +indicates a lesser degree of interest than if he +says nothing about it. The forgotten handkerchief +is an important straw with a girl +when love's capricious wind blows her way.</p> + +<p>It is not entirely without reason that womankind +in general blames "the other woman" +for defection of any kind. Short-sighted +woman thinks it a mighty tribute to her own +charm to secure the passing interest of another's +rightful property. It does not seem +to occur to her that someone else will lure +him away from her with even more ease. +Each successive luring makes defection simpler +for a man. Practice tends towards<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_34" id="Page_34">[Pg 34]</a></span> +perfection in most things; perhaps it is the +single exception, love, which proves the rule.</p> + +<p>Three delusions among women are widespread +and painful. Marriage is currently supposed +to reform a man, a rejected lover is heartbroken +for life, and, if "the other woman" +were only out of the way, he would come +back. Love sometimes reforms a man, but +marriage does not. The rejected lover suffers +for a brief period,—feminine philosophers +variously estimate it, but a week is a generous +average,—and he who will not come in spite of +"the other woman" is not worth having at all.</p> + +<div class="sidenote">"Not +Things, +but Men"</div> + +<p>Emerson says: "The things which are +really for thee gravitate to thee." One is +tempted to add the World's Congress motto—"Not +things, but men."</p> + +<p>There is no virtue in women which men +cultivate so assiduously as forgiveness. They +make one think that it is very pretty and +charming to forgive. It is not hygienic, +however, for the woman who forgives easily +has a great deal of it to do. When pardon is +to be had for the asking, there are frequent +causes for its giving. This, of course, applies +to the interesting period before marriage.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_35" id="Page_35">[Pg 35]</a></span></p> + +<div class="sidenote">Post-Nuptial +Sins</div> + +<p>Post-nuptial sins are atoned for with gifts; +not more than once in a whole marriage with +the simple, manly words, "Forgive me, +dear, I was wrong." It injures a man's conceit +vitally to admit he has made a mistake. +This is gracious and knightly in the lover, but +a married man, the head of a family, must be +careful to maintain his position.</p> + +<p>Cases of reformation by marriage are few +and far between, and men more often die of +wounded conceit than broken hearts. "Men +have died and worms have eaten them, but +not for love," save on the stage and in the +stories women cry over.</p> + +<div class="sidenote">"The +Other +Woman"</div> + +<p>"The other woman" is the chief bugbear +of life. On desert islands and in a very few +delightful books, her baneful presence is not. +The girl a man loves with all his heart can +see a long line of ghostly ancestors, and requires +no opera-glass to discern through the +mists of the future a procession of possible +posterity. It is for this reason that men's +ears are tried with the eternal, unchanging: +"Am I the only woman you ever loved?" +and "Will you always love me?"</p> + +<p>The woman who finally acquires legal<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_36" id="Page_36">[Pg 36]</a></span> +possession of a man is haunted by the shadowy +predecessors. If he is unwary enough to +let her know another girl has refused him, she +develops a violent hatred for this inoffensive +maiden. Is it because the cruel creature has +given pain to her lord? His gods are not her +gods—if he has adored another woman.</p> + +<p>These two are mutually "other women," +and the second one has the best of it, for there +is no thorn in feminine flesh like the rejected +lover who finds consolation elsewhere. It +may be exceedingly pleasant to be a man's +first love, but she is wise beyond books who +chooses to be his last, and it is foolish to +spend mental effort upon old flames, rather +than in watching for new ones, for Cæsar +himself is not more utterly dead than a man's +dead love.</p> + +<p>Women are commonly supposed to worry +about their age, but Father Time is a trouble +to men also. The girl of twenty thinks it +absurd for women to be concerned about the +matter, but the hour eventually comes when +she regards the subject with reverence akin to +awe. There is only one terror in it—the +dreadful nines.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_37" id="Page_37">[Pg 37]</a></span></p> + +<div class="sidenote">Scylla +and +Charybdis</div> + +<p>"Twenty-nine!" Might she not as well +be thirty? There is little choice between +Scylla and Charybdis. Twenty-nine is the +hour of reckoning for every woman, married, +engaged, or unattached.</p> + +<p>The married woman felicitates herself +greatly, unless a tall daughter of nine or ten +walks abroad at her side. The engaged girl +is safe—she rejoices in the last hours of her +lingering girlhood and hems table linen with +more resignation. The unattached girl has a +strange interest in creams and hair tonics, and +usually betakes herself to the cloister of the +university for special courses, since azure +hosiery does not detract from woman's charm +in the eyes of the faculty.</p> + +<p>Men do not often know their ages accurately +till after thirty. The gladsome heyday +of youth takes no note of the annual milestones. +But after thirty, ah me! "Yes," a +man will say sometimes, "I am thirty-one, +but the fellows tell me I don't look a day over +twenty-nine." Scylla and Charybdis again!</p> + +<div class="sidenote">Perennial +Youth</div> + +<p>Still, age is not a matter of birthdays, but +of the heart. Some women are mature +cynics at twenty, while a grey-haired matron<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_38" id="Page_38">[Pg 38]</a></span> +of fifty seems to have found the secret of +perennial youth. There is little to choose, +as regards beauty and charm, between the +young, unformed girl, whose soft eyes look +with longing into the unyielding future which +gives her no hint of its purposes, and the +mature woman, well-groomed, self-reliant +to her finger-tips, who has drunk deeply of +life's cup and found it sweet. A woman is +never old until the little finger of her glove +is allowed to project beyond the finger itself +and she orders her new photographs from +an old plate in preference to sitting again.</p> + +<p>In all the seven ages of man, there is someone +whom she may attract. If she is twenty-five, +the boy who has just attained long +trousers will not buy her striped sticks of +peppermint and ask shyly if he may carry her +books. She is not apt to wear fraternity +pins and decorate her rooms in college colours, +unless her lover still holds his alma +mater in fond remembrance. But there are +others, always the others—and is it less +sweet to inspire the love which lasts than +the tender verses of a Sophomore? Her field +of action is not sensibly limited, for at twenty<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_39" id="Page_39">[Pg 39]</a></span> +men love woman, at thirty a woman, and at +forty, women.</p> + +<div class="sidenote">Three +Weapons</div> + +<p>Woman has three weapons—flattery, food, +and flirtation, and only the last of these is +ever denied her by Time. With the first she +appeals to man's conceit, with the second to +his heart, which is suspected to lie at the +end of the œsophagus, rather than over +among lungs and ribs, and with the third +to his natural rivalry of his fellows. But +the pleasures of the chase grow beautifully +less when age brings rheumatism and kindred +ills.</p> + +<p>Besides, may she not always be a chaperone? +When a political orator refers effectively +to "the cancer which is eating at the +heart of the body politic," someway, it +always makes a girl think of a chaperone. +She goes, ostensibly, to lend a decorous air +to whatever proceedings may be in view. +She is to keep the man from making love to +the girl. Whispers and tender hand clasps +are occasionally possible, however, for, tell +it not in Gath! the chaperone was once +young herself and at times looks the other +way.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_40" id="Page_40">[Pg 40]</a></span></p> + +<p>That is, unless she is the girl's mother. +Trust a parent for keeping two eyes and +a pair of glasses on a girl! Trust the non-matchmaking +mother for four new eyes under +her back hair and a double row of ears arranged +laterally along her anxious spine! +And yet, if the estimable lady had not been +married herself, it is altogether likely that the +girl would never have thought of it.</p> + +<div class="sidenote">The +Chaperone</div> + +<p>The reason usually given for chaperonage +is that it gives the girl a chance to become +acquainted with the man. Of course, in the +presence of a chaperone, a man says and does +exactly the same things he would if he were +alone with the maiden of his choice. He +does not mind making love to a girl in her +mother's presence. He does not even care +to be alone with her when he proposes to +her. He would like to have some chaperone +read his letters—he always writes with this +intention. At any time during the latter part +of the month it fills him with delight to see +the chaperone order a lobster after they have +all had oysters.</p> + +<p>Nonsense! Why do not the leaders of society +say, frankly: "This chaperone business<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_41" id="Page_41">[Pg 41]</a></span> +is just a little game. Our husbands are either +at the club or soundly asleep at home. It is +not nice to go around alone, and it is pathetic +to go in pairs, with no man. We will go +with our daughters and their young friends, +for they have cavaliers enough and to spare. +Let us get out and see the world, lest we die +of ennui and neglect!" It is the chaperone +who really goes with the young man. She +takes the girl along to escape gossip.</p> + +<div class="sidenote">Behold +his +House!</div> + +<p>It is strange, when it is woman's avowed +object to make man happy, that she insists +upon doing it in her own way, rather than in +his. He likes the rich, warm colours; the deep +reds and dark greens. Behold his house!</p> + +<p>Renaissance curtains obscure the landscape +with delicate tracery, and he realises what it +might mean to wear a veil. Soft tones of rose +and Nile green appear in his drawing-room. +Chippendale chairs, upon which he fears to +sit, invite the jaded soul to whatever repose +it can get. See the sofa cushions, which he +has learned by bitter experience never to touch! +Does he rouse a quiescent Nemesis by laying +his weary head upon that elaborate embroidery? +Not unless his memory is poor.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_42" id="Page_42">[Pg 42]</a></span></p> + +<div class="sidenote">Home +Comforts</div> + +<p>Take careful note of the bric-à-brac upon +his library table. See the few square inches +of blotting paper on a cylinder which he can +roll over his letter—the three stamps stuck +together more closely than brothers, generously +set aside for his use. Does he find +comfort here? Not very much of it.</p> + +<p>See the dainty dinner which is set before +the hungry man. A cup of rarest china holds +four ounces of clear broth. A stick of bread +or two crackers are allotted to him. Then he +may have two croquettes, or one small chop, +when his soul is athirst for rare roast beef and +steak an inch thick. Then a nice salad, made +of three lettuce leaves and a suspicion of oil, +another cracker and a cubic inch of cheese, an +ounce of coffee in a miniature cup, and behold, +the man is fed!</p> + +<p>Why should he go to his club, call loudly +for flesh-pots, sink into a chair he is not afraid +of breaking, and forget his trouble in the +evening paper, while his wife is at home, +alone, or having a Roman holiday as a chaperone?</p> + +<p>It is a simple thing to acquire a lover, but it +is a fine art to keep him. Clubs were origin<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_43" id="Page_43">[Pg 43]</a></span>ally +intended for the homeless, as distinguished +from the unmarried. The rare woman +who rests and soothes a man when he is tired +has no rival in the club. Misunderstanding, +sorrowful, yearning for what she has lost, +woman contemplates the wreck of her girlish +dream.</p> + +<div class="sidenote">The Heart +of a +Woman</div> + +<p>There are three things man is destined never +to solve—perpetual motion, the square of the +circle, and the heart of a woman. Yet he +may go a little way into the labyrinth with the +thread of love, which his Ariadne will gladly +give him at the door.</p> + +<p>The dim chambers are fragrant with precious +things, for through the winding passages +Memory has strewn rue and lavender, love +and longing; sweet spikenard and instinctive +belief. Some day, when the heart aches, she +will brew content from these.</p> + +<p>There are barriers which he may not pass, +secret treasures that he may not see, dreams +that he may not guess. There are dark +corners where there has been torture, of which +he will never know. There are shadows and +ghostly shapes which Penelope has hidden +with the fairest fabrics of her loom. There<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_44" id="Page_44">[Pg 44]</a></span> +are doors, tightly locked, which he has no key +to open; rooms which have contained costly +vessels, empty and deep with dust.</p> + +<p>There is no other step than his, for he walks +there alone; sometimes to the music of dead +days and sometimes to the laughter of a little +child. The petals of crushed roses rustle at +his feet—his roses—in the inmost places of +her heart. And beyond, of spotless marble, +with the infinite calm of mountains and perpetual +snow, is something which he seldom +comprehends—her love of her own whiteness.</p> + +<p>It is a wondrous thing. For it is so small +he could hold it in the hollow of his hand, yet +it is great enough to shelter him forever. All +the world may not break it if his love is steadfast +and unchanging, and loving him, it becomes +deep enough to love and pity all the +world.</p> + +<p>It is a tender thing. So often is it wounded +that it cannot see another suffer, and its own +pain is easier far to bear. It makes a shield +of its very tenderness, gladly receiving the +stabs that were meant for him, forgiving +always, and forgetting when it may.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_45" id="Page_45">[Pg 45]</a></span></p> + +<div class="sidenote">The +Solace</div> + +<p>Yet, after all, it is a simple thing. For in +times of deepest doubt and trouble, it requires +for its solace only the tender look, the whispered +word which brings new courage, and +the old-time grace of the lover's way.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_47" id="Page_47">[Pg 47]</a></span><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_46" id="Page_46">[Pg 46]</a></span></p> + + + +<hr style="width: 65%;" /><p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_48" id="Page_48">[Pg 48]</a></span></p> +<h2><a name="The_Philosophy_of_Love" id="The_Philosophy_of_Love"></a>The Philosophy of Love</h2> + +<div class='center'> +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 600px;"> +<img src="images/illus004.png" width="600" height="328" alt="" title="" /> +</div></div><p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_49" id="Page_49">[Pg 49]</a></span></p> + + + +<hr style="width: 65%;" /> +<h2 style="color: red;">The Philosophy of Love</h2> + + +<div class="sidenote">The +Prevailing +Theme</div> + +<p>A modern novelist has greatly lamented +because the prevailing theme of fiction +is love. Every story is a love story, every +romance finds its inspiration in the heart, and +even the musty tomes of history are beset by +the little blind god.</p> + +<p>One or two men have dared to write books +from which women have been excluded as +rigorously as from the Chinese stage, but the +world of readers has not loudly clamoured for +more of the same sort. A story of adventure +loses none of its interest if there is some fair +damsel to be rescued from various thrilling +situations.</p> + +<p>The realists contend that a single isolated +fact should not be dwelt upon to the exclusion +of all other interests, that love plays but +a small part in the life of the average man or +woman, and that it is unreasonable to expand +it to the uttermost limits of art.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_50" id="Page_50">[Pg 50]</a></span></p> + +<p>Strangely enough, the realists are all men. +If a woman ventures to write a book which +may fitly be classed under the head of realism, +the critics charitably unite upon insanity as +the cause of it and lament the lost womanliness +of a decadent generation.</p> + +<p>If realism were actually real, we should +have no time for books and pictures. Our +days and nights would be spent in reclaiming +the people in the slums. There would be a +visible increase in the church fair—where we +spend more than we can afford for things we +do not want, in order to please people whom +we do not like, and to help heathen who are +happier than we are.</p> + +<div class="sidenote">The Root +of all +Good</div> + +<p>The love of money is said to be the root of +all evil, but love itself is the root of all good, +for it is the very foundation of the social +structure. The universal race for the elusive +shilling, which is commonly considered selfish, +is based upon love.</p> + +<p>Money will buy fine houses, but who would +wish to live in a mansion alone! Fast horses, +yachts, private cars, and the feasts of Lucullus, +are not to be enjoyed in solitude; they must +be shared. Buying jewels and costly raiment<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_51" id="Page_51">[Pg 51]</a></span> +is the purest philanthropy, for it gives pleasure +to others. Sapphires and real lace depreciate +rapidly in the cloister or the desert.</p> + +<p>The envy which luxury sometimes creates +is also altruistic in character, for in its last analysis, +it is the wish to give pleasure to others, +in the same degree, as the envied fortunately +may. Nothing is happiness which is not +shared by at least one other, and nothing is +truly sorrow unless it is borne absolutely +alone.</p> + +<div class="sidenote">Love</div> + +<p>Love! The delight and the torment of the +world! The despair of philosophers and +sages, the rapture of poets, the confusion of +cynics, and the warrior's defeat!</p> + +<p>Love! The bread and the wine of life, the +hunger and the thirst, the hurt and the healing, +the only wound which is cured by another! +The guest who comes like a thief in +the night! The eternal question which is its +own answer, the thing which has no beginning +and no end!</p> + +<p>The very blindness of it is divine, for it sees +no imperfections, takes no reck of faults, and +concerns itself only with the hidden beauty +of the soul.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_52" id="Page_52">[Pg 52]</a></span></p> + +<p>It is unselfishness—yet it tolerates no rival +and demands all for itself. It is belief—and +yet it doubts. It is hope and it is also misgiving. +It is trust and distrust, the strongest +temptation and the power to withstand it; +woman's need and man's dream. It is his +enemy and his best friend, her weakness and +her strength; the roses and the thorns.</p> + +<p>Woman's love affairs begin in her infancy, +with some childish play at sweethearts, and a +cavalier in dresses for her hero. It may be a +matter of affinity in later years, or, as the +more prosaic Buckle suggests, dependent +upon the price of corn, but at first it is certainly +a question of propinquity.</p> + +<p>Through the kindergarten and the multiplication +table, the pretty game goes on. Before +she is thirteen, she decides to marry, and selects +an awkward boy a little older for the +happy man. She cherishes him in her secret +heart, and it does not matter in the least if +she does not know him well enough to speak +to him, for the good fairies who preside over +earthly destinies will undoubtedly lead The +Prince to become formally acquainted at the +proper time.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_53" id="Page_53">[Pg 53]</a></span></p> + +<div class="sidenote">The Self-Conscious +Period</div> + +<p>Later, the self-conscious period approaches +and Mademoiselle becomes solicitous as to +ribbons and personal adornment. She pleads +earnestly for long gowns, and the first one is +never satisfying unless it drags. If she can +do her hair in a twist "just like mamma's," +and see the adored one pass the house, while +she sits at the window with sewing or book, +she feels actually "grown up."</p> + +<p>When she begins to read novels, her schoolmates, +for the time being, are cast aside, because +none of them are in the least like the +lovers who stalk through the highly-coloured +pages of the books she likes best. The hero +is usually "tall and dark, with a melancholy +cast of countenance," and there are fascinating +hints of some secret sorrow. The watchful +maternal parent is apt to confiscate these +interesting volumes, but there are always +school desks and safe places in the neighbourhood +of pillows, and a candle does not throw +its beams too far.</p> + +<p>The books in which the love scenes are +most violent possess unfading charm. A +hero who says "darling" every time he +opens his finely-chiselled mouth is very near<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_54" id="Page_54">[Pg 54]</a></span> +perfection. That fondness lasts well into the after-years, +for "darling" is, above all others, the +favourite term of endearment with a woman.</p> + +<p>Were it not for the stern parents and +wholesome laws as to age, girls might more +often marry their first loves. It is difficult to +conjecture what the state of civilisation might +be, if it were common for people to marry +their first loves, regardless of "age, colour, +or previous condition of servitude."</p> + +<div class="sidenote">Age and +Colour</div> + +<p>Age and colour are all-important factors +with Mademoiselle. She could not possibly +love a boy three weeks younger than herself, +and if her eyes are blue and her hair light, no +blondes need apply.</p> + +<p>There is a curious delusion, fostered by +phrenologists and other amiable students of +"temperament," to the effect that a brunette +must infallibly fall in love with a blonde and +vice versa. What dire misfortune may result +if this rule is not followed can be only surmised, +for the phrenologists do not know. +Still, the majority of men are dark and it is +said they do not marry as readily as of yore—is +this the secret of the widespread havoc +made by peroxide of hydrogen?<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_55" id="Page_55">[Pg 55]</a></span></p> + +<p>The lurid fiction fever soon runs its course +with Mademoiselle, if she is let alone, and she +turns her attention once more to her schoolmates. +She has at least a dozen serious attacks +before she is twenty, and at that ripe +age, is often a little <i>blasé</i>.</p> + +<div class="sidenote">The Pastime +and +the Dream</div> + +<p>But the day soon comes when the pretty +play is over and the soft eyes widen with +fear. She passes the dividing line between +childhood and womanhood when she first +realises that her pastime and her dream have +forged chains around her inmost soul. This, +then, is what life holds for her; it is ecstasy +or torture, and for this very thing she was +made.</p> + +<p>Some man exists whom she will follow to +the end of the world, right royally if she may, +but on her knees if she must. The burning +sands of the desert will be as soft grass if he +walks beside her, his voice will make her forget +her thirst, and his touch upon her arm +will change her weariness into peace.</p> + +<p>When he beckons she must answer. When +he says "come," she must not stay. She +must be all things to him—friend, comrade, +sweetheart, wife. When the infinite mean<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_56" id="Page_56">[Pg 56]</a></span>ing +of her dream slowly dawns upon her, is it +strange that she trembles and grows pale?</p> + +<p>Soon or late it comes to all. Sometimes +there is terror at the sudden meeting and Love +often comes in the guise of a friend. But +always, it brings joy which is sorrow, and pain +which is happiness—gladness which is never +content.</p> + +<p>A woman wants a man to love her in the +way she loves him; a man wants a woman to +love him in the way he loves her, and because +the thing is impossible, neither is satisfied.</p> + +<div class="sidenote">The +Strongest +Passion</div> + +<p>Man's emotion is far stronger than woman's. +His feeling, when it is deep, is a +force which a woman may but dimly understand. +The strongest passion of a man's life +is his love for his sweetheart; woman's +greatest love is lavished upon her child.</p> + +<p>"One is the lover and one is the loved." +Sometimes the positions are reversed, to the +misery of all concerned, but normally, man +is the lover. He wins love by pleading for it, +and there is no way by which a woman may +more surely lose it, for while woman's pity is +closely akin to Love, man's pity is a poor relation +who wears Love's cast-off clothes.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_57" id="Page_57">[Pg 57]</a></span></p> + +<p>There are two other ways in which a woman +loses her lover. One is by marrying him and +the other by retaining him as her friend. If +she can keep him as her friend, she never believes +in his love, and husbands and lovers are +often two very different possessions.</p> + +<p>A man's heart is an office desk, wherein +tender episodes are pigeon-holed for future +reference. If he is too busy to look them +over, they are carried off later in Father Time's +junk-wagon, like other and more profane +history.</p> + +<p>All the isolated loves of a woman's life are +woven into a single continuous fabric. Love +itself is the thing she needs and the man who +offers it seldom matters much. Man loves +and worships woman, but woman loves love. +Were it not so, there would be no actor's photograph +upon the matinée girl's dressing-table, +and no bit of tender verse would be fastened +to her cushion with a hat pin, while she herself +was fancy free.</p> + +<div class="sidenote">Gift and +Giver</div> + +<p>All her life long she confuses the gift with +the giver, and loving with the pride of being +loved, because her love is responsive rather +than original.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_58" id="Page_58">[Pg 58]</a></span></p> + +<div class="sidenote">The +Forgotten +Harp</div> + +<p>She demands that the lover's devotion shall +continue after marriage; that every look shall +be tender and every word adoring. Failing +this, she knows that love is dead. She is inevitably +disappointed in marriage, because she +is no longer his fear, intoxication, and pain, +but rather his comrade and friend. The vibrant +strings, struck from silence and dreams to a +sounding chord, are trembling still—whispering +lingering music to him who has forgotten +the harp.</p> + +<p>When a woman once tells a man she loves +him, he regards it as some chemical process +which has taken place in her heart and he +never considers the possibility of change. He +is little concerned as to its expression, for +he knows it is there. On the contrary, it is +only by expression that a woman ever feels +certain of a man's love.</p> + +<p>Doubt is the essential and constant quality +of her nature, when once she loves. She +continually demands new proof and new devotion, +consoling herself sometimes with the +thought that three days ago he said he loved +her and there has been no discord since.</p> + +<p>As for him, if his comfort is assured, he<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_59" id="Page_59">[Pg 59]</a></span> +never thinks to question her, for men are as +blind as Love. If she seems glad to see him +and is not distinctly unpleasant, she may even +be a little preoccupied without arousing suspicion. +A man likes to feel that he is loved +and a woman likes to be told.</p> + +<p>The use of any faculty exhausts it. The +ear, deafened by a cannon, is incapable for +the moment of hearing the human voice. The +eyes, momentarily blinded by the full glare +of the sun, miss the delicate shades of violet +and sapphire in the smoke from a wood fire. +We soon become accustomed to condiments +and perfume, and the same law applies to +sentiment and emotion.</p> + +<div class="sidenote">The +Lover's +Devotion</div> + +<p>Thus it seems to women that men love +spasmodically—that the lover's devotion is a +series of unrelated acts based upon momentary +impulse, rather than a steady purpose. They +forget that the heart may need more rest than +the interval between beats.</p> + +<div class="sidenote">Attraction +and +Repulsion</div> + +<p>If a man and woman who truly loved each +other were cast away upon a desert island, he +would tire of her long before she wearied of +him. The sequence of attraction and repulsion, +the ultimate balance of positive and<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_60" id="Page_60">[Pg 60]</a></span> +negative, are familiar electrical phenomena. Is +it unreasonable to suppose that the supreme +form of attraction is governed by the same +law?</p> + +<p>Strong attractions frequently begin with +strong repulsions, sometimes mutual, but +more often on the part of the attracting force. +A man seldom develops a violent and inexplicable +hatred for a woman and later finds +that it has unaccountably changed to love.</p> + +<p>Yet a woman often marries a man she has +sincerely hated, and the explanation is simple +enough, perhaps, for a woman never hates a +man unless he is in some sense her master. +Love and hate are kindred passions with a +woman and the depth of the one is the possible +measure of the other.</p> + +<p>She is wise who fully understands her +weapon of coquetry. She will send her lover +from her at the moment his love is strongest, +and he will often seek her in vain. She will +be parsimonious with her letters and caresses +and thus keep her attraction at its height. If +he is forever unsatisfied, he will always be +her lover, for satiety must precede repulsion.</p> + +<p>No woman need fear the effect of absence<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_61" id="Page_61">[Pg 61]</a></span> +upon the man who honestly loves her. The +needle of the compass, regardless of intervening +seas, points forever toward the north. +Pitiful indeed is she who fails to be a magnet +and blindly becomes a chain.</p> + +<p>The age has brought with it woman's desire +for equality, at least in the matter of love. +She wishes to be as free to seek a man as he +is to seek her—to love him as freely and +frankly as he does her. Why should she +withhold her lips after her heart has surrendered? +Why should she keep the pretence +of coyness long after she has been won?</p> + +<div class="sidenote">The Old, +Old Law</div> + +<p>Far beneath the tinsel of our restless age +lies the old, old law, and she who scorns it +does so at the peril of all she holds most dear. +Legislation may at times be disobeyed, but +never law, for the breaking brings swift punishment +of its own.</p> + +<p>Too often a generous-hearted woman makes +the mistake of full revelation. She wishes +him to understand her every deed, her every +thought. Nothing is left to his imagination—the +innermost corners of her heart are laid +bare. Given the woman and the circumstances, +he would infallibly know her action.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_62" id="Page_62">[Pg 62]</a></span> +This is why the husbands of the "practical," +the "methodical," and the "reasonable" +women may be tender and devoted, but are +never lovers after marriage.</p> + +<p>If Alexander had been a woman, he would +not have sighed for more worlds to conquer—woman +asks but one. If his world had been +a clever woman he would have had no time +for alien planets, because a man will never +lose his interest in a woman while his conquest +is incomplete.</p> + +<p>The woman who is most tenderly loved +and whose husband is still her lover, carefully +conceals from him the fact that she is fully +won. There is always something he has yet +to gain.</p> + +<div class="sidenote">A Carmen +at Heart</div> + +<p>After ten years of marriage, if the old relation +remains the same, it is because she is a +Carmen at heart. She is alluring, tempting, +cajoling and scorning in the same breath; at +once tender and commanding, inspiring both +love and fear, baffling and eluding even while +she is leading him on.</p> + +<p>She gives him veiled hints of her real personality, +but he never penetrates her mask. +Could he see for an instant into the secret<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_63" id="Page_63">[Pg 63]</a></span> +depths of her soul, he would understand that +her concealment and her coquetry, her mystery +and her charm, are nothing but her love, +playing a desperate game against Time and +man's nature, for the dear stake of his own.</p> + +<p>Dumas draws a fine distinction when he +says: "A man may have two passions but +never two loves: whoever has loved twice +has never loved at all." If this is true, the dividing +line is so exceedingly fine that it is beyond +woman's understanding, and it may be +surmised that even man does not fully realise +it until he is old and grey.</p> + +<div class="sidenote">The Cords +of +Memory</div> + +<p>Yet somewhere, in every man's heart, is +hidden a woman's face. To that inner chamber +no other image ever finds its way. The +cords of memory which hold it are strong as +steel and as tender as the heart-fibre of which +they are made.</p> + +<p>There is no time in his life when those eyes +would not thrill him and those lips make him +tremble—no hour when the sound of that +voice would not summon him like a trumpet-call.</p> + +<p>No loyalty or allegiance is powerful enough +to smother it within his own heart, in spite of<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_64" id="Page_64">[Pg 64]</a></span> +the conditions to which he may outwardly +conform. Other passions may temporarily +hide it even from his own sight, yet in reality +it is supreme, from the day of its birth to the +door of his grave.</p> + +<p>He may be happily married, as the world +counts happiness, and She may be dead—but +never forgotten. No real love or hate is +wrought upon by Lethe. The thousand dreams +of her will send his blood in passionate flow +and the thousand memories of her whiten his +face with pain. Friendship is intermittent +and passion forgets, but man's single love is +eternal.</p> + +<p>Because woman's love is responsive, it never +dies. Her love of love is everlasting. Some +threads in the fabric she has woven are like +shining silver; others are sombre, broken, +and stained with tears. When a man has +once taught a woman to believe his love is +true, she is already, though unconsciously, +won.</p> + +<p>All the beauty in woman's life is forever +associated with her love. Violets bring the +memory of dead days, when the boy-lover +brought them to her in fragrant heaps. Some<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_65" id="Page_65">[Pg 65]</a></span> +women say man's love is selfish, but there is +no one among them who has ever been loved +by a boy.</p> + +<div class="sidenote">Some +Lost Song</div> + +<p>Broken, hesitant chords set some lost song +to singing in her heart. The break in her +lover's voice is like another, long ago. Summer +days and summer fields, silver streams, +and clouds of apple blossoms set against the +turquoise sky, bring back the Mays of childhood +and all the childish dreams.</p> + +<p>This is another thing a man cannot understand—that +every little tenderness of his wakes +the memory of all past tenderness, and for +that very reason is often doubly sweet. This +is the explanation of sudden sadness, of the +swift succession of moods, and of lips, shut +on sobs, that sometimes quiver beneath his +own.</p> + +<p>Woman keeps alive the old ideals. Were +it not for her eager efforts, chivalry would +have died long ago. King Arthur's Court is +said to be a myth, and Lancelot and Guenevere +were only dreams, but the knightly spirit +still lives in man's love for woman.</p> + +<div class="sidenote">The Lady +of the +Court</div> + +<p>The Lady of the Court was wont to send +her knight into danger at her sweet, capricious<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_66" id="Page_66">[Pg 66]</a></span> +will. Her glove upon his helmet, her scarf +upon his arm, her colours on his shield—were +they worth the risk of horse and spear? Yet +the little that she gave him, made him invincible +in the field.</p> + +<p>To-day there is a subtle change. She is +loved as dearly as was Guenevere, but she +gives him neither scarf nor glove. Her love in +his heart is truly his shield and his colours are +the white of her soul.</p> + +<p>He needs no gage but her belief, and having +that, it is a trust only a coward will betray. +The battle is still to the strong, but just as surely +her knight comes back with his shield untarnished, +his colours unstained, and his heart +aglow with love of her who gave him courage.</p> + +<p>The centuries have brought new striving, +which the Lady of the Court could never +know. The daughter of to-day endeavours +to be worthy of the knightly worship—to be +royal in her heart and queenly in her giving; +to be the exquisitely womanly woman he sees +behind her faulty clay, so that if the veil of +illusion he has woven around her should ever +fall away, the reality might be even fairer +than his dream.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_67" id="Page_67">[Pg 67]</a></span></p> + +<p>Through the sombre pages of history the +knights and ladies move, as though woven in +the magic web of the Lady of Shalott. +Tournament and shield and spear, the Round +Table and Camelot, have taken on the mystery +of fables and dreams.</p> + +<div class="sidenote">By Grace +of Magic</div> + +<p>Yet, by the grace of magic, the sweet old +story lives to-day, unforgotten, because of its +single motive. Elaine still dies for love of +Lancelot, Isolde urges Tristram to new proofs +of devotion, and Guenevere, the beautiful, +still shares King Arthur's throne. For chivalry +is not dead—- it only sleeps—and the +nobleness and valour of that far-off time are +ever at the service of her who has found her +knight.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_69" id="Page_69">[Pg 69]</a></span><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_68" id="Page_68">[Pg 68]</a></span></p> + + + +<hr style="width: 65%;" /><p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_70" id="Page_70">[Pg 70]</a></span></p> +<h2><a name="The_Lost_Art_of_Courtship" id="The_Lost_Art_of_Courtship"></a>The Lost Art of Courtship</h2> + +<div class='center'> +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 600px;"> +<img src="images/illus005.png" width="600" height="362" alt="" title="" /> +</div></div><p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_71" id="Page_71">[Pg 71]</a></span></p> + + + +<hr style="width: 65%;" /> +<h2 style="color: red;">The Lost Art of Courtship</h2> + + +<div class="sidenote">Liberty of +Choice</div> + +<p>Civilisation is so acutely developed at +present that the old meaning of courtship +is completely lost. None of the phenomena +which precede a proposal would be +deemed singular or out of place in a platonic +friendship. This state of affairs gives a man +every advantage and all possible liberty of +choice.</p> + +<p>Our grandparents are scandalised at modern +methods. "Girls never did so," in the +distant years when those dear people were +young. If a young man called on grandmother +once a week, and she approved of +him and his prospects, she began on her household +linen, without waiting for the momentous +question.</p> + +<p>Judging by the fiction of the period and +by the delightful tales of old New England, +which read like fairy stories to this generation, +the courtships of those days were too leisurely<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_72" id="Page_72">[Pg 72]</a></span> +to be very interesting. Ten-year engagements +did not seem to be unusual, and it was +not considered a social mistake if a man +suddenly disappeared for four or five years, +without the formality of mentioning his +destination to the young woman who expected +to marry him.</p> + +<div class="sidenote">Faithful +Maidens</div> + +<p>We have all read of the faithful maidens +who kept on weaving stores of fine linen +and making regular pilgrimages for the letter +which did not come. Years afterward, when +the man finally appeared, it was all right, and +the wedding went on just the same, even +though in the meantime the recreant knight +had married and been bereaved.</p> + +<p>Two or three homeless children were sometimes +brought cheerfully into the story, and +assisted materially in the continuation of the +interrupted courtship. The tears which the +modern spinster sheds over such a tale are +not at the pathos of the situation, but because +it is possible, even in fiction, for a woman +to be so destitute of spirit.</p> + +<div class="sidenote">Without +Saying a +Word</div> + +<p>"In dem days," as Uncle Remus would +say, any attention whatever meant business. +Small courtesies which are without signifi<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_73" id="Page_73">[Pg 73]</a></span>cance +now were fraught with momentous +import then. In this year of grace, among +all races except our own, there are ways in +which a man may definitely commit himself +without saying a word.</p> + +<p>A flower or a serenade is almost equivalent +to a proposal in sunny Spain. A "walking-out" +period of six months is much in vogue +in other parts of Europe, but the daughter +of the Anglo-Saxon has no such guide to a +man's intentions.</p> + +<p>Among certain savage tribes, if a man is +in love with a girl and wishes to marry her, +he drags her around his tent by the hair or +administers a severe beating. It may be surmised +that these attentions are not altogether +pleasant, but she has the advantage of knowing +what the man means.</p> + +<p>Flowers are a pretty courtesy and nothing +more. The kindly thought which prompts +them may be as transient as their bloom. +Three or four men serenade girls on summer +nights because they love to hear themselves +sing. Books, and music, and sweets, which +convention decrees are the only proper gifts +for the unattached, may be sent to any girl,<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_74" id="Page_74">[Pg 74]</a></span> +without affecting her indifference to furniture +advertisements and January sales of linen.</p> + +<p>If there is any actual courtship at the present +time, the girl does just as much of it as +the man. Her dainty remembrances at holiday +time have little more meaning than the +trifles a man bestows upon her, though the +gift latitude accorded her is much wider in +scope.</p> + +<div class="sidenote">Furniture</div> + +<p>When a girl gives a man furniture, she +usually intends to marry him, but often +merely succeeds in making things interesting +for the girl who does it in spite of her. The +newly-married woman attends to the personal +belongings of her happy possessor with +the celerity which is taught in classes for +"First Aid to the Injured."</p> + +<p>One by one, the cherished souvenirs of his +bachelor days disappear. Pictures painted by +rival fair ones go to adorn the servant's room, +through gradual retirement backward. Rare +china is mysteriously broken. Sofa cushions +never "harmonise with the tone of the room," +and the covers have to be changed. It takes +time, but usually by the first anniversary of a +man's marriage, his penates have been nobly<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_75" id="Page_75">[Pg 75]</a></span> +weeded out, and the things he has left are of +his wife's choosing, generously purchased +with his own money.</p> + +<p>Woe to the girl who gives a man a scarf-pin! +When the bride returns the initial call, +that scarf-pin adds conspicuously to her adornment. +The calm appropriation makes the +giver grind her teeth—- and the bride knows it.</p> + +<p>In the man's presence, the keeper of his +heart and conscience will say, sweetly: "Oh, +my dear, such a dreadful thing has happened! +That exquisitely embroidered scarf you made +for Tom's chiffonier is utterly ruined! The +colours ran the first time it was washed. +You have no idea how I feel about it—it was +such a beautiful thing!"</p> + +<p>The wretched donor of the scarf attempts +consolation by saying that it doesn't matter. +It never was intended for Tom, but as every +stitch in it was taken while he was with her, +he insisted that he must have it as a souvenir +of that happy summer. She adds that it was +carefully washed before it was given to him, +that she has never known that kind of silk to +fade, and that something must have been done +to it to make the colours run.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_76" id="Page_76">[Pg 76]</a></span></p> + +<div class="sidenote">A Pitched Battle</div> + +<p>The short-sighted man at this juncture felicitates +himself because the two are getting on +so well together. He never realises that a +pitched battle has occurred under his very +nose, and that the honours are about even.</p> + +<p>If Tom possesses a particularly unfortunate +flash-light photograph of the girl, the bride +joyfully frames it and puts it on the mantel +where all may see. If the original of the caricature +remonstrates, the happy wife sweetly +temporises and insists that it remain, because +"Tom is so fond of it," and says, "it looks +just like her."</p> + +<p>Devious indeed are the paths of woman. +She far excels the "Heathen Chinee" in his +famous specialty of "ways that are dark and +tricks that are vain."</p> + +<p>Courtship is a game that a girl has to play +without knowing the trump. The only way +she ever succeeds at it is by playing to an +imaginary trump of her own, which may be +either open, disarming friendliness, or simple +indifference.</p> + +<p>When a man finds the way to a woman's +heart a boulevard, he has taken the wrong +road. When his path is easy and his burden<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_77" id="Page_77">[Pg 77]</a></span> +light, it is time for him to doubt. When his +progress seems like making a new way to +the Klondike, he needs only to keep his +courage and go on.</p> + +<p>For, after all, it is woman who decides. A +clever girl may usually marry any man she +sees fit to honour with the responsibility of +her bills. The ardent lover counts for considerably +less than he is wont to suppose.</p> + +<div class="sidenote">The Only +One They +Know</div> + +<p>There is a good old scheme which the +world of lovers has unanimously adopted, +in order to find out where they stand. It is +so simple as to make one weep, but it is the +only one they know. This consists of an intentional +absence, judiciously timed.</p> + +<p>Suppose a man has been spending three or +four evenings a week with the same girl, for +a period of two or three months. Flowers, +books, and chocolates have occasionally appeared, +as well as invitations to the theatre. +The man has been fed out of the chafing-dish, +and also with accidental cake, for men are as +fond of sugar as women, though they are +ashamed to admit it.</p> + +<p>Suddenly, without warning, the man misses +an evening, then another, then another. Two<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_78" id="Page_78">[Pg 78]</a></span> +weeks go by, and still no man. The neighbours +and the family begin to ask questions +of a personal nature.</p> + +<p>It is at this stage that the immature and +childish woman will write the man a note, +expressing regret for his long absence, and +trusting that nothing may interfere with their +"pleasant friendship." Sometimes the note +brings the man back immediately and sometimes +it doesn't. He very seldom condescends +to make an explanation. If he does, it is +merely a casual allusion to "business." This is +the only excuse even a bright man can think of.</p> + +<div class="sidenote">"Climbing +a +Tree"</div> + +<p>This act is technically known among girls +as "climbing a tree." When a man does it, +he wants a girl to bring a ladder and a lunch +and plead with him to come down and be +happy, but doing as he wishes is no way +to attract a man up a tree.</p> + +<p>Men are as impervious to tears and pleadings +as a good mackintosh to mist, but at the +touch of indifference, they melt like wax. So +when her quondam lover attempts metaphorical +athletics, the wise girl smiles and withdraws +into her shell.</p> + +<p>She takes care that he shall not see her<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_79" id="Page_79">[Pg 79]</a></span> +unless he comes to her. She draws the +shades the moment the lamps are lighted. If +he happens to pass the house in the evening, +he may think she is out, or that she has company—it +is all the same to her. She arranges +various evenings with girl friends and gets +books from the library. This is known as +"provisioning the citadel for a siege."</p> + +<div class="sidenote">Pride and +Pride</div> + +<p>It is a contest between pride and pride +which occurs in every courtship, and the girl +usually wins. True lovers are as certain to +return as Bo-Peep's flock or a systematically +deported cat. Shame-faced, but surely, the +man comes back.</p> + +<p>Various laboratory note-books yield the +same result. A single entry indicates the +general trend of the affair.</p> + +<p><i><span class="smcap">Man</span> calls on <span class="smcap">Girl</span> after five weeks of unexplained +absence. She asks no questions, but +keeps the conversation impersonal, even after +he shows symptoms of wishing to change its +character.</i></p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Man.</span> (<i>Finally.</i>) "I haven't seen you for +an awfully long time."</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Girl.</span> "Haven't you? Now that I think +of it, it has been some time."<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_80" id="Page_80">[Pg 80]</a></span></p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Man.</span> "How long has it been, I wonder?"</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Girl.</span> "I haven't the least idea. Ten +days or two weeks, I guess."</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Man.</span> (<i>Hastily.</i>) "Oh no, it's been much +longer than that. Let's see, it's"—(<i>makes +great effort with memory</i>)—"why, it's five +weeks! Five weeks and three days! Don't +you remember?"</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Girl.</span> "I hadn't thought of it. It doesn't +seem that long. How time does fly, doesn't +it!" (<i>Long silence.</i>)</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Man.</span> "I've been awfully busy. I wanted +to come over, but I just couldn't."</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Girl.</span> "I've been very busy, too." (<i>Voluminous +detail of her affairs follows, entirely +pleasant in character.</i>)</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Man.</span> (<i>Tenderly.</i>) "Were you so busy you +didn't miss me?"</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Girl.</span> "Why, I can't say I missed you, exactly, +but I always thought of you pleasantly."</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Man.</span> "Did you think of me often?"</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Girl.</span> (<i>Laughing.</i>) "I didn't keep any +record of it. Do you want me to cut a notch +in the handle of my parasol every time I think +of you? If all my friends were so exacting,<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_81" id="Page_81">[Pg 81]</a></span> +I'd have time for nothing else. I'd need a +new one every week and the house would be +full of shavings. All my fingers would be +cut, too."</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Man.</span> (<i>Unconsciously showing his hand.</i>) +"I thought you'd write me a note."</p> + +<div class="sidenote">His Short +Suit</div> + +<p><span class="smcap">Girl.</span> (<i>Leading his short suit.</i>) "You +could have waited on your front steps till the +garbage man took you away, and I wouldn't +have written you any note."</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Man.</span> (<i>With evident sincerity.</i>) "That's +no dream! I could do just that!" (<i>Proposal +follows in due course, <span class="smcap">Man</span> making full and +complete confession.</i>)</p> + +<p>If he is foolish enough to complicate his +game with another girl, he loses much more +than he gains, for he lowers the whole affair +to the level of a flirtation, and destroys any +belief the girl may have had in him. He also +forces her to do the same thing, in self-defence. +Flirtation is the only game in which it +is advisable and popular to trump one's partner's +ace.</p> + +<p>He who would win a woman must challenge +her admiration, prove himself worthy +of her regard, appeal to her sympathy—and<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_82" id="Page_82">[Pg 82]</a></span> +then wound her. She is never wholly his +until she realises that he has the power to +make her miserable as well as to make her +happy, and that love is an infinite capacity for +suffering.</p> + +<p>A man who does it consciously is apt to +overdo it, out of sheer enthusiasm, and if a +girl suspects that it is done intentionally, the +hurt loses its sting and changes her love to +bitterness. A succession of attempts is also +useless, for a man never hurts a woman twice +in exactly the same way. When he has run +the range of possible stabs, she is out of his +reach—unless she is his wife.</p> + +<div class="sidenote">A State +Secret</div> + +<p>The intentional absence scheme is too transparent +to succeed, and temporary devotion to +another girl is definite damage to his cause, +for it indicates fickleness and instability. +There is only one way by which a man may +discover his true position without asking any +questions, and that is—a state secret. Now +and then a man strikes it by accident, but nobody +ever tells—even brothers or platonic +friends.</p> + +<p>Some men select a wife as they would a +horse, paying due attention to appearance, gait,<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_83" id="Page_83">[Pg 83]</a></span> +disposition, age, teeth, and grooming. High +spirits and a little wildness are rather desirable +than otherwise, if both are young. Men who +have had many horses or many wives and have +grown old with both, have a slight inclination +toward sedate ways and domestic traits.</p> + +<div class="sidenote">The "Woman's +Column"</div> + +<p>Modern society makes it fully as easy to +choose the one as the other. In communities +where the chaperone idea is at its prosperous +zenith, a man may see a girl under nearly all +circumstances. The men who conduct the +"Woman's Column" in many pleasing +journals are still writing of the effect it has +on a man to catch a girl in curl papers of a +morning, though curl papers have been obsolete +for many and many a moon.</p> + +<p>Cycling, golf, and kindred out-door amusements +have been the death of careless morning +attire. Uncorseted woman is unhappy +woman, and the girl of whom the versatile +journalist writes died long ago. Perhaps it is +because a newspaper man can write anything +at four minutes' notice and do it well, that the +press fairly reeks with "advice to women."</p> + +<p>The question, propounded in a newspaper +column, "What Kind of a Girl Does a Man<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_84" id="Page_84">[Pg 84]</a></span> +Like Best," will bring out a voluminous symposium +which adds materially to the gaiety +of the nation. It would be only fair to have +this sort of thing temporarily reversed—to tell +men how to make home happy for their +wives and how to keep a woman's love, after +it has once been given.</p> + +<p>Some clever newspaper woman might win +everlasting laurels for herself if she would +contribute to this much neglected branch of +human knowledge. How is a man to know +that a shirt-front which looks like a railroad +map diverts one's mind from his instructive +remarks? How is he to know that a cane is +a nuisance when he fares forth with a girl? +It is true that sisters might possibly attempt +this, but the modern sister is heavily overworked +at present and it is not kind to +suggest an addition to her cares.</p> + +<div class="sidenote">Neglected +By His +Kind</div> + +<p>There is no advice of any sort given to men +except on the single subject of choosing a +wife. This is to be found only in the books +in the Sabbath-School library, or in occasional +columns of the limited number of saffron +dailies which illuminate the age. Surely, man +has been neglected by his kind!<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_85" id="Page_85">[Pg 85]</a></span></p> + +<div class="sidenote">Indecision</div> + +<p>The general masculine attitude indicates +widespread belief in the promise, "Ask, and +ye shall receive." A man will tell his best +friend that he doesn't know whether to marry +a certain girl. If she hears of his indecision +there is trouble ahead, if he finally decides in +the affirmative, and it is quite possible that he +may not marry her.</p> + +<p>After the door of a woman's heart has once +swung on its silent hinges, a man thinks he +can prop it open with a brick and go away +and leave it. A storm is apt to displace the +brick, however—and there is a heavy spring +on the door. Woe to the masculine finger +that is in the way!</p> + +<p>A man often hesitates between two young +women and asks his friends which he shall +marry. Custom has permitted the courtship +of both and neither has the right to feel aggrieved, +because it is exceedingly bad form +for a girl to love a man before he has asked +her to.</p> + +<p>Now and then a third girl is a man's confidante +at this trying period. Nothing so +bores a person as to be a man's "guide, philosopher +and friend" in his perplexities with<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_86" id="Page_86">[Pg 86]</a></span> +other girls. To one distinct class of women +men tell their troubles and the other class +sees that they have plenty to tell. It is better +to be in the second category than in the first.</p> + +<p>Sooner or later, the confidante explains the +whole affair to the subjects of the confidence +and strange, new kinds of trouble immediately +come to the rash man. It is a common +failing to expect another person to keep a +secret which we have just proved is beyond +our own capability.</p> + +<div class="sidenote">The Adamantine +Fortress</div> + +<p>When a man has once deeply wounded a +woman's pride, he may just as well give up +his hope of winning her. At that barrier, the +little blind god may plead in vain. Love's +face may be sad, his big, sightless eyes soft +with tears, and his helpless hands outstretched +in pleading and prayer, but that +stern sentinel will never yield. Wounded +love is easily forgiven, wounded belief sometimes +forgotten, but wounded pride—never. +It is the adamantine fortress. There is only +one path which leads to the house of forgiveness—that +of understanding, and it is impassable +if woman's pride has come between.</p> + +<p>A girl never knows whether a courtship<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_87" id="Page_87">[Pg 87]</a></span> +is in progress or not, unless a man tells her. +He may be interested and amused, but not +in love. It is only in the comic papers that +a stern parent waits upon the continuous +caller and demands to know his "intentions," +so a girl must, perforce, be her own guide.</p> + +<div class="sidenote">The Continuous +Caller</div> + +<p>A man may call upon a girl so constantly +and so regularly that the neighbours daily +expect wedding invitations, and the family +inquire why he does not have his trunk sent +to the house. Later, quite casually, he will +announce his engagement to a girl who is +somewhere else. This fiancée is always a +peculiarly broad-minded girl who knows all +about her lover's attentions to the other and +does not in the least object. She wants him +to "have a good time" when he is away +from her, and he is naturally anxious to please +her. He wants the other girl to know his +wife—he is sure they will be good friends.</p> + +<p>Lasting feminine friendships are not built +upon foundations of that kind. It is very +unfortunate, for the world would be gladdened +by many more than now exist.</p> + +<p>According to geometry, "things which are +equal to the same thing are equal to each<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_88" id="Page_88">[Pg 88]</a></span> +other," and it would seem, from the standpoint +of pure reason, that people who are +fond of the same people would naturally be +congenial and take pleasure in being together.</p> + +<p>But a sensitive spinster is often grieved +when she discovers that her men friends do +not readily assimilate. If she leaves two of +them to entertain each other, the conversation +does not flow with desirable spontaneity. +There is no lack of courtesy between them, +however, even of that finer sort which keeps +them both there, lest one, by leaving, should +seem to remind his companion that it was +late.</p> + +<p>On the contrary, if a man is fond of two +different girls, they are seldom to be seen +apart. They exchange long visits regularly +and this thoughtfulness often saves him from +making an extra call.</p> + +<div class="sidenote">A Happy +Triumvirate</div> + +<p>A happy triumvirate is thus formed and +the claws of it do not show. Sometimes +it is hard to decide between them, and he +cuts the Gordian knot by marrying someone +else, but the friendship is never the same +afterward. The girls are no longer boon +companions and when the man crosses their<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_89" id="Page_89">[Pg 89]</a></span> +paths, they manage to convey the impression +of great distance.</p> + +<div class="sidenote">Narrowed +Down to +Two</div> + +<p>In the beginning, almost any number may +join in the game, but the inevitable process +of selection eventually narrows it down to +two. Society has given men a little the best +of it, but perhaps woman's finer sight compensates +her for the apparent disadvantages—and +even Love, who deals the cards, is +too blind to see the fatal consequences of his +mistakes.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_91" id="Page_91">[Pg 91]</a></span><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_90" id="Page_90">[Pg 90]</a></span></p> + + + +<hr style="width: 65%;" /><p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_92" id="Page_92">[Pg 92]</a></span></p> +<h2><a name="The_Natural_History_of_Proposals" id="The_Natural_History_of_Proposals"></a>The Natural History of Proposals</h2> + +<div class='center'> +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 600px;"> +<img src="images/illus006.png" width="600" height="427" alt="" title="" /> +</div></div><p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_93" id="Page_93">[Pg 93]</a></span></p> + + + +<hr style="width: 65%;" /> +<h2 style="color: red;">The Natural History of Proposals</h2> + + +<div class="sidenote">The Inquiring +Spinster</div> + +<p>There is no subject which presents more +difficulties to the inquiring spinster. +Contemporary spinsters, when approached +upon the topic, are anything but encouraging; +apparently lacking the ability to distinguish +between impertinent intrusion into their personal +affairs and the scientific spirit which +prompts the collection of statistics.</p> + +<p>Married women, when asked to repeat the +exact language of the lover at the happy moment, +are wont to transfix the sensitive aspirant +for knowledge with lofty scorn. Mothers +are accustomed to dissemble and say they +"have forgotten." Men in general are uncommunicative, +though occasionally some +rare soul will expand under the influence of +food and freely give more valuable information +than can be extracted from an indefinite +number of women.</p> + +<p>One's own experience is naturally limited,<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_94" id="Page_94">[Pg 94]</a></span> +even though proposals constitute the main joy +and excitement of the spinster's monotonous +life. Emerson says: "All is sour if seen as +experience," though the gentle sage was not +referring especially to offers of marriage. +Nevertheless, there is a charm about other +people's affairs which would render life beautiful +indeed if it could be added to one's own.</p> + +<p>Nothing strengthens a woman's self-confidence +like a proposal. One is a wonder, two +a superfluity, and three an epidemic. Four +are proof of unusual charm, five go to the +head, and it is a rare girl whom six or seven +will not permanently spoil.</p> + +<div class="sidenote">Disillusion</div> + +<p>To the girl fed upon fiction, the first proposal +comes in the nature of a shock. Disillusion +follows as a matter of course. Men, +evidently, do not read fiction, or at least do +not profit by the valuable hints to be found in +any novel.</p> + +<p>A small book entitled: <i>How Men Propose</i>, +was eagerly sought by young women who +were awaiting definite experience. This was +discovered to be a collection of proposals carefully +selected from fiction. It was done with +care and discernment, but was not satisfying.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_95" id="Page_95">[Pg 95]</a></span> +The natural inference was that the actual +affairs were just like those in the book.</p> + +<div class="sidenote">"In +Books?"</div> + +<p>Nothing can exceed the grace and tenderness +with which men propose—in books. +Such chivalrous worship, such pleasing deference +is accorded—in books! Such pretty +pleading, such knightly vows of eternal allegiance, +as are always found—in books!</p> + +<p>The hero of a few years back was wont to +make his offer on his knees. He also haunted +the home of the beloved maiden, deeming +himself well repaid for five hours wait if he +had a fleeting glimpse of her at the window. +Torn hair was frequent, and refusal drove +men to suicide and madness.</p> + +<p>The young women who were the cause of +all this trouble were never more than eighteen +or twenty years of age. Mature spinsters of +twenty-five figured as envious deterrents in +the happy affair. Many a story-book marriage +has been spoiled by the jealousy of the +wrinkled rival of twenty-five.</p> + +<div class="sidenote">The First +Proposal</div> + +<p>The violent protestations of the lover in the +novel were indeed something to be awaited +with fear and trembling. With her anticipations +aroused by this kind of reading and her<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_96" id="Page_96">[Pg 96]</a></span> +eagerness whetted by interminable years of +waiting, Mademoiselle receives her first offer +of marriage.</p> + +<p>She is in doubt, at first, as to whether it is a +proposal. It seems like some dreadful mistake. +Where is the courtly manner of the +lover in the book? What is the matter with this +red-faced boy? Where is the pretty pleading, +the gracious speech? Why should a +lover stammer and confuse his verbs?</p> + +<p>Mademoiselle recoils in disgust. This, then, +is what she has been waiting for. It is not at +all like the book. Her lover is entirely different +from other girls' lovers—so different that +he is pathetic.</p> + +<p>Her faith in the gospel of romance is sadly +shaken, when the next experience is a great +deal like the first. No one, in the book, could +doubt the lover's meaning. Yet in the halting +sentences and confused metaphors of actual +experience, there is sometimes much question +as to what he really means. A girl often has +to ask a man if he has just proposed to her, +that she may accept or refuse, in a gracious +and proper way.</p> + +<div class="sidenote">The +Ordeal</div> + +<p>In a girl's early ideas on the subject, she has<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_97" id="Page_97">[Pg 97]</a></span> +much sympathy for the man who has to +undergo the ordeal of asking a woman to be +his wife. She thinks he must contemplate +the momentous step for weeks, await the opportunity +with expectant terror, and when +his lady is in a happy mood, recite with fear +and trembling, the proposal which he has +written out and learned, appropriately enough, +by heart.</p> + +<p>Later, she comes to know that after the first +few times, men propose as thoughtlessly and +easily as they dress for dinner, that they devote +no particular study to the art, that constant +practice makes them proficient, and that +almost any girl will do when the proposal +mood is on.</p> + +<p>She discovers that they often do it simply +to make a pleasing impression upon a girl, +with no thought of acceptance. Many an +engagement is more of a surprise to the man +than to anybody else.</p> + +<p>Because fiction comes very near to the +heart of woman, she invariably follows its dictates +and shows great astonishment at every +proposal. The women who have been thus +surprised are even more rare than days in June.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_98" id="Page_98">[Pg 98]</a></span></p> + +<div class="sidenote">The False +and +the True</div> + +<p>When a man begins to compare a girl to a +flower, a baby, or a kitten, she knows what +is coming next. She spends her mental energy +in distinguishing the false from the true—which +is sufficient employment for anyone. +There is not enough cerebral tissue to waste +much of it upon unnecessary processes.</p> + +<p>It is very hard to tell whether a man really +means a proposal. It may have been made +under romantic circumstances, or because he +was lonesome for the other girl, or, in the +case of an heiress, because he was tired of +work. Longing for the absent sweetheart +will frequently cause a man to become engaged +to someone near by, because, though +absence may make a woman's heart grow +fonder, it is presence that plays the mischief +with a man. No wise girl would accept a +man who proposed by moonlight or just after +a meal. The dear things aren't themselves +then.</p> + +<p>Food, properly served, will attract a proposal +at almost any time, especially if it is +known that the pleasing viands were of the +girl's own making. Cooking and love may +seem at first glance to be widely separated,<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_99" id="Page_99">[Pg 99]</a></span> +but no woman can have one without the +other. The brotherly love for all creation, +which emanates from the well-fed man, overflows, +concentrates, and naturally becomes a +proposal.</p> + +<div class="sidenote">Written +Proposals</div> + +<p>Other things being equal, a written proposal +is apt to be genuine, especially if it is +signed with the full name and address of the +writer, and the date is not omitted. Long +and painful experience in the courts of his +country has made man wary of direct evidence.</p> + +<p>But a written proposal is extremely bad +form. A girl never can be sure that her lover +did not attempt to fish it out of the letter-box +after it had slipped from his fingers. The +author of <i>How to Be Happy, Though Married</i>, +once saw a miserable young man attempting +to get his convicting letter back by +means of a forked stick. The sight must be +quite common everywhere. Proposing in +haste and repenting at leisure is not by any +means unusual.</p> + +<p>Then, too, a girl misses a possible opportunity +of seeing a man blush and stammer. +One does not often get a chance to see a man<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_100" id="Page_100">[Pg 100]</a></span> +willingly making himself ridiculous, and the +spectacle is worth waiting for.</p> + +<div class="sidenote">Confusion +and Awkwardness</div> + +<p>Confusion and awkwardness are high trumps +with a woman, for they indicate inexperience +and uncertainty. The man who proposes in +a finished and nonchalant manner, as if he +had done it frequently and were sure of the +result, is now and then astonished at a refusal. +It is also a risk to offer a ring immediately +after acceptance. The suspicion is that the +ring has been worn before, or else the man +was sure enough of the girl to invest heavily +in his future.</p> + +<p>Sometimes a man will disclose to a platonic +friend the form he habitually employs in proposals. +The hero of battle engagements has +proverbial charm for woman, and the hero of +matrimonial engagements is meat and drink +to the spinster athirst for knowledge.</p> + +<p>Feed the man, and when the brotherly love +for the entire universe begins to radiate, approach +him gently upon the subject.</p> + +<p>"Why, bless your little heart," the man +will say, "of course I'll tell you about it. +Yes, you're right in supposing that I know +more about it than anyone else you know.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_101" id="Page_101">[Pg 101]</a></span> +I've never been refused in my life and I know +I've asked a hundred. I've had medals for that.</p> + +<p>"I always try to make each one different," +he will continue. "Girls sometimes compare +notes and it makes it awkward. The girl I'm +engaged to now doesn't know any of my +other girls, though, so I'm safe enough.</p> + +<div class="sidenote">"One of +the Best +Proposals"</div> + +<p>"I'll never forget the way I did that. I +think it was one of the best proposals I ever +made. She's a mighty pretty little thing,—blue +eyes and black hair,—a regular Irish type. +I must tell you first, though, how I came to +know her.</p> + +<p>"The one I was engaged to just before I +asked her, had just broken it off on account +of property which her children would lose if +she married again. She was a widow, you +know. I've told you about her—the one +with red hair. Between you and me, that's +the only woman in God's world my heart +ever went out to. That is the love of my +life. Her little girl, eleven years old, was in +love with me, too. She used to tremble when +I kissed her, and was jealous of her mother. +But this little girl I'm engaged to now, why +I just love the ground she walks on.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_102" id="Page_102">[Pg 102]</a></span></p> + +<div class="sidenote">"A Very +Peculiar +Affair"</div> + +<p>"Well," after a pause, "this was a very +peculiar affair. Of course I was all broken up +over losing her—couldn't eat nor sleep—I +was a perfect wreck. This old friend of +mine happened along, and he says, 'You'll +have to brace up, old man. Come on out to +my house in the country and rest up a bit.' +So I went, and met his daughter.</p> + +<p>"Five days after I met her, I asked him for +her hand. I explained it to him just as I +would to my own father, and he understood +all right. He's a fine fellow. He said I +could have her. Of course I'd asked her +first.</p> + +<p>"Yes—I'm getting to that. I took her out +for a walk one afternoon, and when we came +to the river, we sat down to talk. It was a +perfect day. I began by saying how sad it +was to see a beautiful flower and to know +that it was out of one's reach, or to see anything +beautiful and know that one never could +possess it. I led up to the subject by gentle +degrees, and then I said: 'You must have +seen that I love you, and you know without +my telling you, that I want you to be my +wife. I don't say I want you to marry me,<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_103" id="Page_103">[Pg 103]</a></span> +because I want you to do more than that—I +want you to be my wife.' (Fine distinction +that!)</p> + +<p>"Well, she was very much surprised, of +course, but she accepted me all right. Yes, +I told her about the other woman, but in such +a way that she understood it perfectly. Lots +of other fellows wanted her and I snatched +the prize from right under their very noses. +I don't suppose I'll ever propose any more +now. I'd never propose to you, even if I +were free to do so, because I know you'd +refuse me. You'd refuse me, wouldn't you? +Somebody else might just as well have me, +if you don't want me."</p> + +<div class="sidenote">In Spite +of Varied +Resources</div> + +<p>Yet in spite of the varied resources at +woman's command, we sometimes hear of +one who yearns for the privilege of seeking +man in marriage. The woman who longs +for the right to propose is evidently not +bright enough to bring a man to the point.</p> + +<p>Still worse than this, there are cases on +record where women, not reigning queens, +have actually proposed to men. The men +who are thus sought in the bonds of matrimony +are not slow to tell of it, confining<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_104" id="Page_104">[Pg 104]</a></span> +themselves usually to their own particular +circle of men friends. But the news sometimes +filters through man's capacity to keep a +secret, and the knowledge is diffused among +interested spinsters.</p> + +<div class="sidenote">Hints</div> + +<p>What men term "hints" are not out of +place, for the proposal market would be less +active, were it not for "hints." But these +are seldom given in words—unless a man +happens to be particularly stupid.</p> + +<p>When the proposal habit is not firmly +fastened upon a man, and he begins to have +serious designs upon some one girl, she knows +it long before he does. Incidentally, the family +and the neighbours have their suspicions.</p> + +<p>Woman, with her strong dramatic instinct, +wishes the proposal to occur according to +accepted rules. Hence, if a man shows symptoms +of whispering the momentous question +in a crowd, he is apt to be delicately discouraged, +and if the girl is not satisfied with her +own appearance, there will also be postponement. +No girl wants to be proposed to +when her hair is dishevelled, her collar +wilted, and her soul distraught by pestiferous +mosquitoes.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_105" id="Page_105">[Pg 105]</a></span></p> + +<p>But an ambitious and painstaking girl will +arrange the stage for a proposal, with untiring +patience, months before it actually happens. +When she practices assiduously all the morning, +that she may execute difficult passages +with apparent ease in the evening, and +willingly turns the freezer that there may be +cooling ice opportunely left after dinner, to +"melt if somebody doesn't eat it," she expects +something to happen.</p> + +<p>When the man finally appears, and the +little brother marches off like a well-trained +soldier, with two nickels jingling in his +pocket, even the victim might be on his +guard. When the family are unceremoniously +put out of the house, and father, mother, and +sisters are seen in the summer twilight, wandering +in disconsolate pairs, let the neighbours +keep away from the house under penalty of +the girl's lasting hate.</p> + +<p>Sometimes, when the family have been put +out, and the common human interest leads +intimate spinster friends to pass the house, +there is nothing to be seen but the girl playing +accompaniments for the man while he +sings.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_106" id="Page_106">[Pg 106]</a></span></p> + +<p>Yet the initiated know, for if a girl only +praises a man's singing enough, he will most +surely propose to her before many moons +have passed. The scheme has a two-fold +purpose, because all may see that he finds the +house attractive, and if no engagement is announced, +the entire affair may easily be explained +upon musical and platonic grounds.</p> + +<div class="sidenote">A Formal +Proposal</div> + +<p>Owing to the distorted methods of courtship +which prevail at the present day, a girl +may never be sure that a man really cares for +her until he makes a formal proposal. If a +man were accepted the minute he proposed, +he would think the girl had been his for some +time, and would unconsciously class her as +among those easily won.</p> + +<p>The insinuation that she has been easily +won is the thing which is not to be borne. +It may have been simple enough, in fact, but +let a man beware how he trifles with this +delicate subject, even after fifty years of marriage.</p> + +<div class="sidenote">On +Probation</div> + +<p>Consequently, it is the proper thing to take +the matter under advisement and never to accept +definitely without a period of probation. +This is the happiest time of a girl's life. She is<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_107" id="Page_107">[Pg 107]</a></span> +absolutely sure of her lover and may administer +hope, fear, doubt, and discouragement to her +heart's content.</p> + +<p>The delicate attentions which are showered +upon her are the envy of every spinster on the +street who does not know the true state of the +affair. Sometimes, with indifferent generosity, +she divides her roses and invites the less +fortunate to share her chocolates. This always +pleases the man, if he knows about +it.</p> + +<p>Also, because she is not in the least bound, +she makes the best of this last freedom and +accepts the same courtesies from other men. +Nothing is so well calculated to sound the +depths of original sin in man's nature, as to +find his rival's roses side by side with his, +when a girl has him on probation. And he +never feels so entirely similar to an utter idiot, +as when he sees a girl to whom he has definitely +committed himself, flirting cheerfully +with two or three other men.</p> + +<p>Woe be to him if he remonstrates! For +Mademoiselle is testing him with this end +in view. If he complains bitterly of her outrageous +behaviour, she dismisses him with<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_108" id="Page_108">[Pg 108]</a></span> +sorrowful dignity, jealousy being the one +thing she cannot tolerate in men.</p> + +<div class="sidenote">Opportunity +for +Fine +Work</div> + +<p>There is opportunity for fine work in the +situation which the young woman immediately +develops. A man may take his choice +of the evils which lie before him, for almost +anything may happen.</p> + +<p>He may complain, and if he shows anger, +there is war. If he betrays jealousy, there is +trouble which marriage will accentuate, rather +than lessen. If he shows concern because his +beloved is so fickle, and insinuates that so unstable +a person will not make a good wife, he +touches pride in a vital spot and his cause is +no more. Let him be manfully unconcerned; +as far above jealousy and angry reproach as a +St. Bernard is above a kitten—and Mademoiselle +is his.</p> + +<p>Philosophers laugh at woman's fickleness, +but her constancy, when once awakened, +endures beyond life and death, and sometimes +beyond betrayal. But this is not to be won +by a jealous man, for jealousy is the mother-in-law +of selfishness, and a woman never +permits a man to rival her in her own particular +field.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_109" id="Page_109">[Pg 109]</a></span></p> + +<div class="sidenote">Another +Danger</div> + +<p>If a man safely passes the test of probation, +there is yet another danger which lies between +him and the realisation of his ambition. This +is the tendency of women to conduct excavations +into a man's previous affairs.</p> + +<p>He needs the wisdom of the serpent at this +juncture, for under the smiling sweetness a +dagger is often concealed. If the point is allowed +to show during an engagement, the +whole blade will frequently flash during marriage.</p> + +<p>"Yes, dearest," a man will say, tenderly, +"I have loved before, but that was long ago—long +before I met you. She was beautiful, +tall, dark, majestic, with a regal nature like +herself—Good Heavens, how I loved her!"</p> + +<p>This is apt to continue for some little time, +if a man gets thoroughly interested in his subject +and thinks he is talking rather well, before +he discovers that his petite blonde divinity +is either a frozen statue, or a veritable Niobe +as to tears. And not one man in three hundred +and nineteen ever suspects what he has +done!</p> + +<div class="sidenote">The +Thought +of +Defection</div> + +<p>A woman is more jealous of the girls a man +has loved, whom she has never seen, than of<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_110" id="Page_110">[Pg 110]</a></span> +any number of attractive rivals. In the blind +adoration which he yields her, she takes no +thought of immediate defection, for her smile +always makes him happy—her voice never +loses its mystic power over his senses.</p> + +<p>On the contrary, a man never stoops to be +jealous of the men who have pleaded in vain +for what he has won, nor even of possible +fiancés whom later discretion has discarded. +He is sure of her at the present moment and +his doubt centres itself comfortably upon the +future, which is always shadowy and unreal +to a man, because he is less imaginative than +woman.</p> + +<p>And yet—there is no more dangerous companion +for a woman than the man who has +loved her. It is easier to waken a woman's +old love than to teach her a new affection. +Strangely enough, the woman a man has once +loved and then forgotten is powerless in the +after years. A man's dead friendship may +dream of resurrection, but never his dead +love.</p> + +<p>Jealousy and distrust have never yet won a +doubting heart. Bitterness never accomplishes +miracles which sweetness fails to do.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_111" id="Page_111">[Pg 111]</a></span> +Too often men and women spend their time +in wondering why they are not loved, trying +various schemes and pitiful experiments, and +passing by the simple method of trying to be +lovable and unconscious of self.</p> + +<div class="sidenote">"The +Milk of +Human +Kindness"</div> + +<p>"The milk of human kindness" seldom +produces cream, but there is only one way by +which love may be won or kept. Perfection +means a continual shifting of standards and +must ever be unattainable, but the man or +woman who is simply lovable will be wholly +taken into other hearts—faults and all.</p> + +<p>Now and then a man's love is hopeless, +from causes which are innate and beyond +control. Sometimes regret strikes deep and +lasts for more than a day, as in the pages of +the story books which women love to read. +Sometimes, too, a tender-hearted woman, +seeing far into the future, will do her best to +spare a fellow-creature pain.</p> + +<div class="sidenote">The Wine +of Conquest</div> + +<p>But this is the exception, rather than the +rule. The average woman regards a certain +number of proposals as but a just tribute to +her own charm. Sometimes she sees what +she has unconsciously done when it is too +late to retreat, but even then, though pity,<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_112" id="Page_112">[Pg 112]</a></span> +regret, and honest pain may result from it, +there is one effect more certain still—the intoxication +of the wine of conquest, against +which no woman is proof.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_113" id="Page_113">[Pg 113]</a></span></p> + + + +<hr style="width: 65%;" /><p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_114" id="Page_114">[Pg 114]</a></span></p> +<h2><a name="Love_Letters_Old_and_New" id="Love_Letters_Old_and_New"></a>Love Letters: Old and New</h2> + +<div class='center'> +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 600px;"> +<img src="images/illus007.png" width="600" height="310" alt="" title="" /> +</div></div><p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_115" id="Page_115">[Pg 115]</a></span></p> + + + +<hr style="width: 65%;" /> +<h2 style="color: red;">Love Letters: Old and New</h2> + + +<div class="sidenote">The Average +Love +Letter</div> + +<p>The average love letter is sufficient to make +a sensitive spinster weep, unless she +herself is in love and the letter be addressed to +her. The first stage of the tender passion +renders a man careless as to his punctuation, +the second seriously affects his spelling, and +in the last period of the malady, his grammar +develops locomotor ataxia. The single blessedness +of school-teachers is largely to be +attributed to this cause.</p> + +<p>A real love letter is absolutely ridiculous to +everyone except the writer and the recipient. +A composition, which repeats the same term +of endearment thirteen times on a page, has +certainly no particular claim to literary art.</p> + +<p>When a man writes a love letter, dated, and +fully identified by name and address, there is +no question but that he is in earnest. A large +number of people consider nothing so innocently +entertaining as love letters, read in a<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_116" id="Page_116">[Pg 116]</a></span> +court-room, with due attention to effect, by +the counsel for the other side.</p> + +<p>Affairs of that kind are given scarlet headlines +in the saffron journals, and if the letters +are really well done, it means the sale of an +"extra." No man can hope to write anything +which will possess such general interest +as his love letters. If Shakespeare had written +voluminously to his sweetheart—to any of his +sweethearts—and the letters should be found +by this generation, what a hue and cry would +be raised over his peaceful ashes!</p> + +<div class="sidenote">Sins of +Commission</div> + +<p>Doing the things which ought not to be +done never loses fascination and charm. The +rare pleasure thus obtained far exceeds the +enjoyment of leaving undone things which +ought to be done. Sins of commission are +far more productive of happiness than the sins +of omission.</p> + +<div class="sidenote">For Posterity</div> + +<p>Thus people whose sense of honour would +not permit them to read an open letter which +belonged to someone else will go by thousands +to purchase the published letters of some +famous man. Dr. Arbuthnot, in speaking of +the publication of letters, said that it added a +new terror to death, so true it is that while a<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_117" id="Page_117">[Pg 117]</a></span> +man may think for the present, he unavoidably +writes for posterity.</p> + +<p>No passion is too sacred to be hidden from +the eagle eye of the public. The death of anyone +of more than passing fame is followed by +a volume of "letters." It is pathetic to read +these posthumous pages, which should have +been buried with the hands that wrote them, +or consigned to the never-failing mercy of the +flames.</p> + +<p>Burial has not always sufficed. The manuscript +of one well-known book of poems was +buried with the lady to whom they were +written, but in later years her resting-place +was disturbed, with the consent of her lover, +for this very manuscript.</p> + +<p>Her golden hair had grown after her death, +and was found closely entwined with the +written pages—so closely that it had to be cut. +The loving embrace which Death would not +break was rudely forced to yield. Even in her +"narrow house" she might not keep her love +letters in peace, since the public wanted to +read what had been written for her alone and +the publisher was waiting for "copy."</p> + +<div class="sidenote">Letters in +a Grave</div> + +<p>In a paper of the <i>Tatler</i>, written by Addison<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_118" id="Page_118">[Pg 118]</a></span> +or Steele, or possibly by both, is described a +party in a country village which is suddenly +broken into confusion by the entrance of the +sexton of their parish church, fresh from +the digging of a grave. The sexton tells the +merrymakers how a chance blow of his pickaxe +has opened a decayed coffin, in which are +discovered several papers.</p> + +<p>These are found to be the love letters received +by the wife of Sir Thomas Chichley, +one of the admirals of King William. Most +of the letters were ruined by damp and +mould, but "here and there," says the <i>Tatler</i>, +"a few words such as 'my soul,' 'dearest,' +'roses,' and 'my angel,' still remained legible, +resisting the corrupting influence of Time."</p> + +<p>One of these letters in a grave, which Lady +Chichley had requested might be buried with +her in her coffin, was found entire, though +discoloured by the lapse of twenty years. +Its words were these:</p> + +<p>"<span class="smcap">Madam</span>:</p> + +<p>"If you would know the greatness of my +love, consider that of your own beauty. +That blooming countenance, that snowy<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_119" id="Page_119">[Pg 119]</a></span> +bosom, that graceful person, return every +moment to my imagination; the brightness +of your eyes hindered me from closing mine +since I last saw you. You may still add to +your beauties by a smile. A frown will +make me the most wretched of men, as I am +the most passionate of lovers."</p> + +<div class="sidenote">The +Advertisement</div> + +<p>Death is the advertisement, at the end of +an autobiography, wherein people discover +its virtues. The public which refused a bare +subsistence to the living genius will make +his children comfortable by generously purchasing +his letters, which were never meant +for them.</p> + +<p>The pathetic story of the inner struggle, +which would have crucified the sensitive soul +were it known to any save his dearest friends, +is proudly blazoned forth—in print! Hopes +and fears and trials are no longer concealed. +Illness, poverty, and despair are given rubricated +pages. The sorrowful letter to a friend, +asking for five or ten dollars, is reproduced in +facsimile.</p> + +<div class="sidenote">The +Soldier of +the World</div> + +<p>That it shows the human side of the genius +is no excuse for the desecration. What of<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_120" id="Page_120">[Pg 120]</a></span> +the sunny soul who always sang courage, +while he himself was suffering from hope deferred! +What of him who wrote in an attic, +often hungry for his daily bread, and took +care to give the impression of warmth and +comfort! Why should his stern necessity be +disclosed to the public that would not give +him bread in return for his songs? It is +enough to make the gallant soldier of the +world turn uneasily in his grave.</p> + +<p>In this way a bit of the greatness so bravely +won is often lost, and sometimes illusions are +dispelled which all must regret. For years, +we have read with delight Mrs. Browning's +exquisite poem beginning:</p> + +<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> +<span class="i0">"I have a name, a little name<br /></span> +<span class="i2">Uncadenced for the ear."<br /></span> +</div></div> + +<p>Throughout the poem there is no disclosure, +but, so sure is her art, that there is no sense +of loss or wonder. But the pitiless searchlight +of the century is turned upon the +Browning love letters, and thus we learn that +Mrs. Browning's pet name was <i>Ba</i>!</p> + +<p>Pretty enough, perhaps, when spoken by a +lover and a poet, or in shaded nooks, to the +music of Italian streams, but quite unsuited to<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_121" id="Page_121">[Pg 121]</a></span> +the present, even though it were to be read +only by lovers equally fond.</p> + +<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> +<span class="i0">"Though I write books, it will be read<br /></span> +<span class="i2">Upon the page of none—"<br /></span> +</div></div> + +<p>Poor Mrs. Browning! Little did she +know!</p> + +<div class="sidenote">With the +Future in +View</div> + +<p>There have been some, no doubt, who have +written with the future in view, though +Abelard, who broke a woman's heart, could +not have foreseen that his only claims to distinction +would rest upon his letters to loving, +faithful Héloise. The life which was to be +too great for her to share is remembered now +only because of her. Mocking Fate has +brought the wronged woman an exquisite +revenge.</p> + +<p>That delightful spendthrift and scapegrace, +Richard Steele, has left a large number of +whimsical letters, addressed to the lady he +married. She might possibly object to their +publication, but not Steele! Indeed, she was +a foolish woman to keep this letter:</p> + +<p>"<span class="smcap">Dear Prue:</span></p> + +<p>"The afternoon coach will bring you ten +pounds. Your letter shows that you are pas<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_122" id="Page_122">[Pg 122]</a></span>sionately +in love with me. But we must take +our portion of life without repining and I consider +that good nature, added to the beautiful +form God has given you, would make our +happiness too great for human life. Your +most obliged husband and most humble +servant,</p> + +<p> +<span class="smcap" style="margin-left: 10em;">Rich. Steele.</span>"<br /> +</p> + +<p>Alexander Pope was another who wrote for +posterity. In spite of his deformity, he appears +to have been touched to the heart by +women, but vanity and selfishness tinged all +of his letters.</p> + +<div class="sidenote">Systematic +Lovers</div> + +<p>Robert Burns was a systematic lover of anything +in petticoats, and has left such a mass +of amatory correspondence that his biographer +was sorely perplexed. There could not have +been a pretty maid in the British Isles, to +whom chance had been kind, who had not +somewhere the usual packet of love letters +from "Bobby" Burns.</p> + +<p>Laurence Sterne was no less generous with +his affection, if the stories are true. At +twenty, he fell in love with Elizabeth Lumley, +and from his letters to her, one might easily +fancy that love was a devastating and hopeless<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_123" id="Page_123">[Pg 123]</a></span> +disease. There was a pretty little "Kitty" +who claimed his devotion, and countless other +affairs, before "Eliza" appeared. "Eliza" +was a married woman and apparently the +last love of the heart-scarred Sterne.</p> + +<div class="sidenote">Left by +the Dead</div> + +<p>No earthly thing is so nearly immortal as a +love letter, and nothing is so sorrowful as +those left by the dead. The beautiful body +may be dust and all but forgotten, while the +work of the loving hands lives on. Even +those written by the ancient Egyptians are +seemingly imperishable. The clay tablet on +which one of the Pharaohs wrote a love letter, +asking the hand of a foreign princess, is to-day +in the British Museum.</p> + +<p>The first time a woman cries after she is +married, she reads over all the love letters the +other men have written her, for a love letter is +something a tender-hearted woman cannot +bring herself to destroy.</p> + +<div class="sidenote">The New +Child</div> + +<p>The love letters of the man she did not +marry still possess lingering interest. The +letters of many a successful man of affairs +are still hidden in the treasure-box of the +woman he loved, but did not marry. Both +have formed other ties and children have risen<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_124" id="Page_124">[Pg 124]</a></span> +up to call them blessed, or whatever the +children may please, for even more dreadful +than the new woman is the new child. Between +them, they are likely to produce a new +man.</p> + +<p>The new child is apt to find the letters and +read them aloud to the wrong people, being +most successfully unexpected and inopportune. +A box of old letters, distributed sparingly +at the doors of mutual friends, is the +distinguishing feature of a lovely game called +"playing postman." Social upheavals have +occurred from so small a cause as this.</p> + +<p>It sometimes happens, too, that when a girl +has promised to marry a man and the wedding +day is set, she receives from a mutual friend a +package of faded letters and a note which runs +something like this:</p> + +<p>"<span class="smcap">My Dear:</span></p> + +<p>"Now that my old friend's wedding day is +approaching, I feel that I have no longer the +right to keep his letters. They are too beautiful +and tender to be burned and I have not +the heart to make that disposition of them. +Were I to return them to him, he would<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_125" id="Page_125">[Pg 125]</a></span> +doubtless toss them into the fire, and I cannot +bear to have them lost.</p> + +<p>"So, after thinking about it for some time, +I have concluded to send them to you, who +are the rightful keeper of his happiness, as +well as of his letters. I trust that you may +find a place for these among those which he +has addressed to you. Wishing you all happiness +in the future, believe me to be</p> + +<p>"Very sincerely and affectionately yours."</p> + +<div class="sidenote">On the +Firing +Line</div> + +<p>The dainty and appropriate wedding gift is +not often shown to the happy man, but every +page and every line is carefully read. Now +and then the bride-elect advances boldly to the +firing line and writes a letter of thanks after +this fashion:</p> + +<p>"It is very sweet and thoughtful of you, +my dear friend, to send me the letters. Of +course I shall keep them in with mine, though +I have but few, for the dear boy has never +been able to leave me for more than a day, +since first we met.</p> + +<p>"Long before we became engaged, he +made me a present of your letters to him,<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_126" id="Page_126">[Pg 126]</a></span> +which he said were well worth the reading, +and indeed, I have found them so. I shall +arrange them according to date and sequence, +though I observe that you have written much +more often than he—I suppose because we +foolish women can never say all we want to +in one letter and are compelled to add postscripts, +sometimes days apart.</p> + +<p>"Believe me, I fully appreciate your wishes +for our happiness. I trust you may come to +us often and see how your hopes are fulfilled. +With many thanks for your loving thought of +me, as ever,</p> + +<p>Affectionately yours."</p> + +<div class="sidenote">If a Girl is +in Love</div> + +<p>If a girl is in love, she carries the last letter +inside her shirt-waist in the day time, and puts +it under her pillow at night, thereby expecting +dreams of the beloved.</p> + +<p>But the dispenser of nocturnal visions delights +in joking, and though impalpable arms +may seem to surround the sleeping spinster +and a tender kiss may be imprinted upon her +lips, it is not once in seventeen days that the +caresses are bestowed by the writer of the letter. +It is a politician whose distorted picture<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_127" id="Page_127">[Pg 127]</a></span> +has appeared in the evening paper, some man +the girl despises, the postman, or worse +yet, the tramp who has begged bread at the +door.</p> + +<div class="sidenote">When a +Man is in +Love</div> + +<p>When a man is in love, he carries the girl's +last letter in his pocket until he has answered +it and has another to take its place. He +stoops to no such superstition as placing it +under his pillow. Neither is it read as often +as his letters to her.</p> + +<p>A woman never really writes to the man +she loves. She simply records her fleeting +moods—her caprice, her tenderness, and her +dreams. Because of this, she is often misunderstood. +If the letter of to-day is different +from that of yesterday, her lover, in his heart +at least, accuses her of fickleness.</p> + +<p>A man's letters to a girl are very frequently +shown to her most intimate friend, if they +are sufficiently ardent, but a man never shows +the letters of a woman he truly cares for, +unless he feels the need of some other masculine +intellect to assist him in comprehending +the lady of his heart.</p> + +<p>"Nothing feeds the flame like a letter. It +has intent, personality, secrecy." But that<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_128" id="Page_128">[Pg 128]</a></span> +is love indeed which stands the test of long +separation—and letters.</p> + +<div class="sidenote">A Single +Drop of +Ink</div> + +<p>With a single drop of ink for a mirror, the +old Egyptian sorcerer promised to reveal the +past and foretell the future. The single drop +of ink with which a lover writes may sadly +change the blissful future of which he dreams.</p> + +<p>The written word is so sadly different from +that which is spoken! The malicious demon +concealed in the ink bottle delights in wrecking +love. Misunderstandings and long silences +follow in rapid succession, tenderness +changes to coldness, and love to bitter regret.</p> + +<p>Someone has said that the true test of +congeniality is not a matter of tastes, but of +humour. If two people find the same things +amusing, their comradeship is a foregone +conclusion, but even so, it requires unusual +insight to distinguish the playful parts of a +letter from the serious passages. If the separated +lovers would escape the pit of destruction, +let all jokes be plainly marked with +a cross or a star.</p> + +<p>A letter is an unfair thing. It follows its +own mood blindly without reference to +others. If penned in sadness it often makes<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_129" id="Page_129">[Pg 129]</a></span> +a sunny day a cloudy one, and if written +in jest it may be as inopportune as mirth at a +funeral.</p> + +<div class="sidenote">Misunderstood</div> + +<p>A letter betraying anger and hurt pride +may often crystallise a yielding mood into +determination and summon evil spirits which +love cannot banish. The letter asking forgiveness +may cross the path of the one which +puts an end to everything. It would seriously +test the power of the Egyptian to foretell +what might result from a single letter, written +in all love and tenderness, perhaps, but destined +to be completely misunderstood.</p> + +<p>Old love letters often mean tears, because +they have been so wrongly read. Later years, +with fine irony, sometimes bring new understanding +of the loving heart behind the faulty +lines. After all, it is the inexpressible atmosphere +of a letter which is felt, rather than the +meaning which the phrases ostensibly convey.</p> + + +<div class="sidenote">The +Postman</div> + +<p>Tender secrets are concealed in the weather-worn +bag of the postman. The lovers may +hide their hearts from all but him. Parents, +guardians, and even mature maiden aunts +may be successfully diverted, but not the +postman!<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_130" id="Page_130">[Pg 130]</a></span></p> + +<p>He knows that the girl who eagerly watches +for him in the morning has more than a passing +interest in the mail. He knows where +her lover is, how often he writes, when she +should have a letter, and whether all is well.</p> + +<p>Sometimes, too, he knows that it is better +to take a single letter to the house three or +four times in succession, rather than to leave +it in the hands of one to whom it is not +addressed.</p> + +<p>Blessed be the countless Cupids in the uniform +of the postal service! The little blind +god is wont to assume strange forms, apparently +at will. But no stern parent could +suspect that his sightless eyes were concealed +behind the spectacles of a sedate postman, +nor that his wicked arrows were hidden under +piles of letters.</p> + +<p>The uninitiated wonder "what there is to +write about." A man may have seen a girl +the evening before, and yet a bulky letter +comes in the afternoon. And what mysterious +interest can make one write three or four +times a week?</p> + +<p>Where is the girl whose love letter was left +in pawn because she could not find her purse?<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_131" id="Page_131">[Pg 131]</a></span> +The grizzled veteran never collects the "two +cents due" on the love letters that are a little +overweight. He would not put a value upon +anything so precious, and he is seldom a +cynic—perhaps because, more than anyone +else, he is the dispenser of daily joy.</p> + +<p>The reading of old love letters is in some +way associated with hair-cloth trunks, mysterious +attics, and rainy days. The writers +may be unknown and the hands that laid +them away long since returned to dust, but +the interest still remains.</p> + +<div class="sidenote">Dead +Roses</div> + +<p>Dead roses crumble to ashes in the gentle +fingers that open the long folded pages—the +violets of a forgotten spring impart a delicate +fragrance to the yellowed spot on which +they lay. The ink is faded and the letter +much worn, as though it had lain next to +some youthful breast, to be read in silence +and solitude until the tender words were +graven upon the heart in the exquisite script +of Memory.</p> + +<p>The phrasing has a peculiar quaintness, old +fashioned, perhaps, but with a grace and dignity +all its own. Through the formal, stately +sentences the hidden sweetness creeps like<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_132" id="Page_132">[Pg 132]</a></span> +the crimson vine upon the autumn leaves. +Brave hearts they had, those lovers of the +past, who were making a new country in the +wilderness, and yet there was an unsuspected +softness—the other "soul side" which even +a hero may have, "to show a woman when +he loves her."</p> + +<p>There are other treasures to be found with +the letters—old daguerreotypes, in ornate +cases, showing the girlish, sweet face of her +who is a grandmother now, or perhaps a +soldier in the trappings of war, the first of a +valiant line.</p> + +<p>There are songs which are never sung, save +as a quavering lullaby to some mite who will +never remember the tune, and fragments of +nocturnes or simple melodies, which awaken +the past as surely as the lost shell brings +to the traveller inland the surge and thunder +of the distant sea.</p> + +<div class="sidenote">The Mysteries +of +Life and +Death</div> + +<p>All the mysteries of life and death are +woven in with the letters; those pathetic +remembrances which the years may fade but +never destroy. There are old school books, +dog-eared and musty, scraps of rich brocade +and rustling taffeta, the yellowed sampler<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_133" id="Page_133">[Pg 133]</a></span> +which was the daily trial of some little maid, +and the first white robe of someone who +has grown children of his own.</p> + +<div class="sidenote">Memory's +Singing</div> + +<p>Give Memory an old love letter and listen +to her singing. There is quiet at first, as +though she were waiting for some step to +die away, or some childish laughter to cease. +Then there is a hushed arpeggio, struck from +strings which are old and worn, but sweet +and tender still.</p> + +<p>Sometimes the song is of an old farmhouse +on the western plains, where life meant struggle +and bitter privation. Brothers and sisters, +in the torn, faded clothes which were all they +had; father's tremulous "God bless you," +when someone went away. Mother's never-ending +toil, and the day when her roughened +hands were crossed upon her breast, at rest +for the first time, while the children cried in +wonder and fear.</p> + +<p>Then the plaintive minor swells for a moment +into the full major chord, when Love, +the King, in royal purple, took possession of +the desolate land. Corn huskings and the +sound of "Money Musk," scarlet ears and +stolen kisses under the harvest moon, youth<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_134" id="Page_134">[Pg 134]</a></span> +and laughter, and the eternal, wavering hope +for better things. Long years of toil, with +interludes of peace and divine content, little +voices, and sometimes a little grave. Separation +and estrangement, trust and misgiving, +heartache and defeat.</p> + +<div class="sidenote">A Magic +in the +Strings</div> + +<p>The tears may start at Memory's singing, +but as the song goes on there comes peace, +for there is a magic in the strings which +changes sadness into something sweet. +Memory's eyes are deep and tender and her +heart is full of compassion. So the old love +letters bring happiness after all—like the smile +which sometimes rests upon the faces of +the dead.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_135" id="Page_135">[Pg 135]</a></span></p> + + + +<hr style="width: 65%;" /><p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_136" id="Page_136">[Pg 136]</a></span></p> +<h2><a name="An_Inquiry_into_Marriage" id="An_Inquiry_into_Marriage"></a>An Inquiry into Marriage</h2> + +<div class='center'> +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 376px;"> +<img src="images/illus008.png" width="376" height="600" alt="" title="" /> +</div></div><p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_137" id="Page_137">[Pg 137]</a></span></p> + + + +<hr style="width: 65%;" /> +<h2 style="color: red;">An Inquiry into Marriage</h2> + + +<div class="sidenote">Like a +Grape</div> + +<p>Marriage appears to be somewhat like +a grape. People swallow a great deal +of indifferent good for the sake of the lurking +bit of sweetness and never know until it is +too late whether the venture was wise.</p> + +<p>Chaucer compared it to a crowded church. +Those left on the outside are eager to get in, +and those caught inside are straining every +nerve to get out. There are many, in this +year of grace, who have safely made their +escape, but, unfortunately, the happy ones +inside say little about it, and do not seem +anxious to get out.</p> + +<p>Fate takes great pleasure in confusing the +inquiring spinster. Some of the disappointed +ones will advise her never to attempt it, and +in the voluble justification which follows, she +sees clearly that the discord was not entirely +caused by the other. Her friends, who have +been married a year or so, regard her with<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_138" id="Page_138">[Pg 138]</a></span> +evident pity, and occasionally suggest, delicately +enough, to be sure, that she could +never have had a proposal.</p> + +<div class="sidenote">The Consistent +Lady</div> + +<p>Among her married friends who are more +mature, there is usually one who chooses her +for a confidant. This consistent lady will sob +out her unhappiness on the girl's shoulder, +and the next week ask her why she doesn't +get married. Sometimes she invites the girl +to her house to meet some new and attractive +man—with the memory of those bitter tears +still in her heart.</p> + +<p>A girl often loses a friend by heartily endorsing +the things the weeper says of her +husband. The fact that he is an inconsiderate +brute is frequently confided to the kindly +surface of a clean shirt-waist, regardless of +laundry bills. The girl remarks dispassionately +that she has noticed it; that he never +considers the happiness of his wife, and she +doesn't see how the tearful one stands it. +Behold the instant and painful transformation! +It is very hard to be a popular spinster when +one has many married friends.</p> + +<p>That interesting pessimist, Herr Arthur +Schopenhauer, advocates universal polygamy<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_139" id="Page_139">[Pg 139]</a></span> +upon the theory that all women would thus +be supported. To the unprejudiced observer +who reads the comic papers and goes to afternoon +receptions, it would seem that each +woman should have several husbands, to pay +her bills and see that she is suitably escorted +to various social affairs.</p> + +<div class="sidenote">Seven +Husbands</div> + +<p>If a woman had seven husbands, for instance, +it is possible that some one of them +would be willing to take her out whenever +she wanted to go. If she yearned for a sealskin +coat or a diamond pin and no one of them +was equal to the occasion, a collection could +be taken up. Two or three might contribute +to the good cause and be so beautifully rewarded +with smiles and favourite dishes that +the remainder of the husbands would be inspired +to do something in the same line.</p> + +<p>At least five of them could go out every +night in the week. The matter could be arranged +according to a simple system of rotation, +or they might draw lots. There could +be a club-room in the house, where they +might smoke without affecting the curtains +and Madam's temper. Politics and poker +make more widows than war, but no woman<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_140" id="Page_140">[Pg 140]</a></span> +could find it in her heart to object to the innocent +pastime under such happy circumstances, +because she would be deprived of nothing—not +even her husband's society. Six of them +might play, while the other read to their wife, +and those who won could buy some lovely +new china for the house.</p> + +<p>The sweetness of the lady of their several +hearts would be increased seven-fold, while +her frowns would be equally divided among +them. There would be a large and enviable +freedom accorded everyone. There would +always be enough at home so dinner need not +wait, and Madam would be spared one great +annoyance. If the servants left suddenly, as is +not unusual, there would be men enough to +cook a dinner Epicurus might envy, each one +using his own chafing-dish. Men make better +cooks than women because they put so much +more feeling into it.</p> + +<p>The spirit of gentle rivalry, which would +thus be developed, is well worth considering. +Some one of the seven would always be a +lover. To sustain the old relation continuously +after marriage undoubtedly requires +gifts of tact and temperament which are not<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_141" id="Page_141">[Pg 141]</a></span> +often vouchsafed to men, and this would not +prove so irksome if the tender obligation were +shared. Marriage would no longer be the +cold potato of love.</p> + +<p>Different men always admire different qualities +of the same woman, and the beauty of +the much-married lady would be developed +far beyond that of her who had only one husband, +because a recognised virtue is stimulated.</p> + +<p>If a man admires a woman's teeth, she gets +new kinds of dentifrice and constantly endeavours +to add to their whiteness. If he +speaks approvingly of her hair, various tonics +are purchased. If he alludes to her mellow +voice, she tries conscientiously to make it +more beautiful still.</p> + +<p>There is a suspected but not verified relation +between a man's affection and his digestion. +With this ideal method of marriage in force, +the dyspeptics could go off by themselves until +they felt better, and not be bothered with +tender inquiries concerning their health. If +the latch key unaccountably refused to work +at two o'clock in the morning, some other +member of the husband could always assist<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_142" id="Page_142">[Pg 142]</a></span> +the absent ones in, and Madam would never +know how many were late.</p> + +<div class="sidenote">The +Financial +Burden</div> + +<p>The financial burden would indeed be light. +The household expenses might be divided +equally and relieving the wife's necessities +would be the happiness of all. One might +assume the responsibility of her gowns, +another of her hats and gloves, another might +keep her supplied with bonbons, matinée tickets, +flowers, and silk stockings, another might +attend to her jackets and her club dues, her jewels +might be the care of another, and so on. It +would be the joy of all of them to see their peerless +wife well dressed, and when she wanted +anything in particular, she need only smile +sweetly upon the one whose happy lot it was +to have charge of that department of expense.</p> + +<p>There would be no friction, no discord. +Madam would be blissfully content, and men +have claimed for years that they could live +together much more amicably than women, +and that they never quarrel among themselves, +save in rare instances. This, they say, is because +they are so liberal in their views, but a +great many men are so broad-minded that it +makes their heads flat.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_143" id="Page_143">[Pg 143]</a></span></p> + +<p>It is strange that this happy form of polygamy +did not occur to Herr Schopenhauer. It +may be because he was a pessimist—and a +man.</p> + +<div class="sidenote">The Most +Nervous +Time</div> + +<p>The most nervous time of a man's life is +the day of his wedding. The bachelors and +benedicts give different reasons for this when +they are gently approached upon the subject, +but the majority admit, with lovable and refreshing +conceit, that it is because of their +innate modesty and their aversion to conspicuous +prominence.</p> + +<p>If this is truly the reason, the widespread +fear may be much lessened, for in the grand +matrimonial pageant, the man is the most obscure +member of the procession. People are +not apt to think of him at all until the ceremony +is over and the girl has a new name. +What he wears is of no consequence, and he +has no wedding gifts, though he may be remembered +for a moment if he gives a diamond +star to the bride. Yet it is this ceremony +which changes him from a vassal to a king. +Before marriage he is a low and useless trump, +but afterward he is ace high in the game.</p> + +<div class="sidenote">A Trip +Down +Town</div> + +<p>A latter-day philosopher has beautifully<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_144" id="Page_144">[Pg 144]</a></span> +likened marriage to a trip down-town. A +man leaves the house in the morning, his +mind already active concerning the affairs of +the day. His newspaper is in his pocket, +he has plenty of time to reach the office, +and his breakfast has begun to assimilate. +Suddenly he sees a yellow speck on the +horizon.</p> + +<p>He calculates the distance to the corner and +quickens his pace, his eyes nobly fixed meanwhile +upon the goal of his ambition. Anxiety +develops, then fear. At last he surrenders all +dignity and gallops madly toward the approaching +car, with his coat tails spread to +the morning breeze and tears in his eyes. +Out of breath, but triumphant, he swings +on just as farther pursuit seemed well-nigh +hopeless.</p> + +<p>Does he stop to chat cheerily with the conductor? +Does he dwell upon the luxurious +aspect of his conveyance? Does the comfort +which he has just secured fill his heart with +gladness? Does the plush covering of the +seat appeal to his æsthetic sense? No mere +woman may ever hope to know, for he grudgingly +gives the conductor five pennies, one of<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_145" id="Page_145">[Pg 145]</a></span> +them badly battered and the date beaten out +of it—and devotes himself to his paper.</p> + +<div class="sidenote">The +Masculine +Mental +Process</div> + +<p>The thing which appears unattainable is +ever desired by man. A girl who wears +an engagement ring upon her finger has a +charm for which the unattached sigh in vain. +The masculine mental process in such a +case, briefly summarised, is something like +this.</p> + +<p>I. "Wonder who that girl is over there? +Red hair and quite a bit of style. Never cared +much for red hair—suppose she's got freckles +too. Now she's coming this way. Why, +there's a solitaire on her finger; she's engaged. +Well, he can have her—I won't cut +him out. Wonder who she is!</p> + +<p>II. "Really, she isn't so bad—I've seen +worse. She knows how to dress, and she +hasn't so many freckles. Brown eyes—that +means temper when associated with red hair. +Must be quite a little trick to tame a girl like +that. She doesn't look as though she were +quite subdued.</p> + +<p>III. "He probably doesn't know how to +manage her. I could train her all right. I +wouldn't mind doing it; I haven't anything<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_146" id="Page_146">[Pg 146]</a></span> +much on hand in the girl line. So that's the +cad she's engaged to? Poor little girl!</p> + +<p>IV. "I feel sorry for that girl, I honestly do. +She's throwing herself away. She can't love +that fellow. She'll get over it when she's +married, and be miserable all the rest of her +life. I suppose I ought to save her from him. +I think I'll talk to her about it, but it will +have to be done cautiously.</p> + +<p>V. "Fine young woman, that. Broad-minded, +bright, vivacious, and not half bad +to look at. Seemed to take my advice in +good part. Those great, deep brown eyes +are pathetic. That's the kind of a girl to be +shielded and guarded from all the hard knocks +in the world.</p> + +<p>VI. "The more I see of that girl, the more +I think of her. Those Frenchy touches of +dress and that superb red hair make her beautiful. +I always did like red hair. Honestly, I +think she's the prettiest girl I ever saw. +And her womanliness matches her beauty. +Any man might be proud of winning a girl +like that.</p> + +<p>VII. "The irony of Fate! The one soul in +all the universe that is deep enough to com<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_147" id="Page_147">[Pg 147]</a></span>prehend +mine, the peerless queen of womankind, +she for whom I have waited all my life, +is pledged to another! I shall go mad if I +bear this any longer. I simply must have +her. 'All is fair in love and war'—I'll go +and ask her!"</p> + +<div class="sidenote">Gold-Brick +Tactics</div> + +<p>When one man alludes to another as a +"confidence man," it is no distinguishing +mark, for they instinctively adopt gold-brick +tactics when seeking woman in marriage.</p> + +<p>Those exquisite hands shall never perform a +single menial task! Yet, after marriage, Her +Ladyship finds that she is expected to be a +cook, nurse, housekeeper, seamstress, chambermaid, +waitress, and practical plumber. +This is an unconscious tribute to the versatility +of woman, since a man thinks he does +well if he is a specialist in any one line.</p> + +<p>Her slightest wish shall be his law! Yet +not only are wishes of no avail, but even +pleading and prayer fall upon deaf ears. It +will be his delight to see that she wants for +nothing, yet she is reduced to the necessity of +asking for money—even for carfare—and a +man will do for his bicycle what his wife +would ask in vain.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_148" id="Page_148">[Pg 148]</a></span></p> + +<p>Many of the matrimonial infelicities of which +both men and women bitterly complain may +be traced to the gold-brick delusion. A woman +marries in the hope of having a lover +and discovers, too late, that she merely has a +boarder who is most difficult to please.</p> + +<div class="sidenote">A +Certain +Pitiful +Change</div> + +<p>There is a certain pitiful change which +comes with marriage. The sound of her +voice would thrill him to his finger-tips, the +touch of her hand make his throat ache, and +the light in her eyes set the blood to singing +in his veins. With possession, ecstasy +changes to content, and the loving woman, +dreaming that she may again find what she +has so strangely lost, tries to waken the old +feeling by pathetic little ways which women +read at once, but men never know anything +about.</p> + +<p>In a way, woman is to blame, but not so +much. Her superior insight should give her +a better understanding of courtship. A man +may mean what he says—at the time he says +it—but men and seasons change.</p> + +<div class="sidenote">Value +and Proportion</div> + +<p>The happiness of the after-years depends +largely upon her sense of value and proportion. +No woman of artistic judgment would<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_149" id="Page_149">[Pg 149]</a></span> +crowd her rooms with bric-à-brac, even +though comfort were not lacking. Pictures +hung together so closely that the frames +touch lose beauty. Space has distinct value, +and solid colours, judiciously used, create a +harmony impossible to obtain by the continuous +use of figured fabrics.</p> + +<p>Yet many a woman whose house is a +model of taste, whose rooms are spacious +and restful, insists upon crowding her marriage +with the bric-à-brac of violent affection. She +is not content with undecorated spaces; with +interludes of friendship and the appreciation +which is felt, rather than spoken. She demands +the constant assurances, the unfailing +devotion of the lover, and thus loses her +atmosphere—and her content.</p> + +<p>It seems to be a settled thing that men shall +do the courting before marriage and women +afterward. Nobody writes articles on "How +to Make a Wife Happy," and the innumerable +cook books, like an army of grasshoppers, +consume and devastate the land.</p> + +<p>If women did not demand so much, men in +general would be more thoughtful. If it were +understood that even after marriage man was<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_150" id="Page_150">[Pg 150]</a></span> +still to be the lover, the one who sent roses +to his sweetheart would sometimes bring them +to his wife. The pretty courtesies would not +so often be forgotten.</p> + +<div class="sidenote">The +Tender +Thought</div> + +<p>If the tender thought were in some way +shown, and the loving word which leaps to +the lips were never forced back, but always +spoken, marriage and even life itself would +take on new beauty and charm. If a woman +has daily evidence of a man's devotion, +no matter in how small a way, her +hunger and thirst for love are bountifully +assuaged. Misunderstandings rapidly grow +into coldness and neglect, and foolish woman, +blind with love, adopts retribution and recrimination +as her weapons. There are a +great many men who love their wives simply +because they know they would be scalped if +they didn't.</p> + +<p>Making an issue of a little thing is one of +the surest ways to spoil happiness. One's +personal pride is felt to be vitally injured by +surrender, but there is no quality of human +nature so nearly royal as the ability to yield +gracefully. It shows small confidence in one's +own nature to fear that compromise lessens<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_151" id="Page_151">[Pg 151]</a></span> +self-control. To consider constantly the comfort +and happiness of another is not a sign of +weakness but of strength.</p> + +<div class="sidenote">Spoiled +Children</div> + +<p>Too many men and women are only spoiled +children at heart. The little maid of five or +six takes her doll and goes home because her +playmates have been unkind. Twenty years +later she packs her trunk and goes to her +mother's because of some quarrel which had +an equally childish beginning.</p> + +<p>But the hurts of the after-years are not so +easily healed. The children kiss and make +up no later than the next day, but, grown to +manhood and womanhood, they consider it +far beneath their dignity and importance to +say "Forgive me," and thus proceed to the +matrimonial garbage box by way of the +divorce court.</p> + +<p>Lovers are wont to consider a marriage +license a free ticket to Paradise. Sometimes +happiness may be freely given by the dispenser +of earthly blessings, but it is more +often bought. It is a matter of temperament +rather than circumstance, and is to be had +only by the two who work for it together, +forgiving, forgetting, graciously yielding, and<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_152" id="Page_152">[Pg 152]</a></span> +looking forward to the perfect understanding +which will surely come.</p> + +<p>Matches are not all made in heaven. Even +the parlour variety sometimes smell of brimstone, +and Cupid is blamed for many which +are made by cupidity. The gossips and the +busybodies would die of mal-nutrition were +it not for marriage and its complications.</p> + +<div class="sidenote">The +Tabbies</div> + +<p>Two people who have quarrelled cheerfully +before marriage and whose engagement has +been broken three or four times often surprise +the tabbies who prophesy misfortune +by settling down into post-nuptial content. +Two who are universally pronounced to be +"perfectly suited to each other" are soon +absolutely miserable. Marriage is the one +thing which everyone knows more about +than people who are intimately concerned.</p> + +<div class="sidenote">"Unequal +Marriages"</div> + +<p>We hear a great deal of "unequal marriages," +not merely in degree of fortune, but +in taste and mental equipment. A man +steeped to his finger-tips in the lore of the +ancients chooses a pretty butterfly who does +not know the difference between a hieroglyph +and a Greek verb, and to whom Rome and +Carthage are empty names. His friends pre<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_153" id="Page_153">[Pg 153]</a></span>dict +misery, and wonder at his blindness in +passing by the young woman of equal outward +charm who delivered a scholarly thesis +at her commencement and has the degree of +Master of Arts.</p> + +<p>A talented woman marries a man without +proportionate gifts and the tabbies call a special +session. It is decided at this conclave +that "she is throwing herself away and will +regret it." To everyone's surprise, she is +occasionally very happy with the man she +has chosen, though about some things of no +particular importance she knows much more +than he.</p> + +<p>The law of compensation is as certain in its +action as that of gravitation, though it is +not so widely understood. Nature demands +balance and equality. She is constantly +chiselling at the mountain to lower it to the +level of the plain, and welding heterogeneous +elements into homogeneous groups.</p> + +<div class="sidenote">The +Certain +Instinct</div> + +<p>The pretty butterfly may easily prove a +balance wheel to the man of much wisdom. +She will add a vivid human interest to his abstract +pursuits and keep him from growing +narrow-minded. He chose the element he<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_154" id="Page_154">[Pg 154]</a></span> +needed to make him symmetrical, with the +certain instinct which impels isolated atoms +of hydrogen and oxygen to combine in the +proportion of two to one.</p> + +<p>It never occurs to the tabbies that no talent +or facility can ever stifle a woman's nature. +The simple need of her heart is never taken +into account in the criticism of these marriages +which are deemed "unequal." If a +woman holds an assistant professorship of +mathematics in a university, it is a foregone +conclusion that she should fall in love with +someone who is proficient in trigonometry +and holds his tangents and cosines in high +esteem. Happy evenings could then be spent +with a book of logarithms and sheets of paper +specially cut to accommodate a problem.</p> + +<p>Similarity of tastes may sometimes prove +an attraction, but very seldom similarity of +pursuit. Musicians do not often intermarry, +and artists and writers are more apt to choose +each other than exponents of their own cult.</p> + +<div class="sidenote">Appreciation +and +Accomplishment</div> + +<p>It is not surprising if a man who is passionately +fond of music falls in love with a woman +who has a magnificent voice, or a power +which amounts to magic over the strings of<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_155" id="Page_155">[Pg 155]</a></span> +her violin. Appreciation is as essential to +happiness as accomplishment, and when the +two are balanced in marriage, comradeship is +inevitable. An artist may marry a woman +who does not understand his pictures, but if +she had not appreciated him in ways more +vital to his happiness, there would have been +no marriage.</p> + +<p>It is pathetic to see what marriage sometimes +is, compared with what it might be—to +see it degraded to the level of a business +transaction when it was meant to be infinitely +above the sordid touch of the dollar and the +dime. It is a perverted instinct which leads +one to marry for money, for it will not buy +happiness, though it may secure an imitation +which pleases some people for a little while.</p> + +<p>There is nothing so beautiful as a girl's +dream of her marriage, and nothing so sad as +the same girl, if Time brings her disillusion +instead of the true marriage which is "a +mutual concord and agreement of souls, a +harmony in which discord is not even +imagined; the uniting of two mornings that +hope to reach the night together."</p> + +<p>The world is full of pain and danger for<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_156" id="Page_156">[Pg 156]</a></span> +those who face it alone, and home, that sanctuary +where one may find strength and new +courage, must be built upon a foundation of +mutual helpfulness and trust. No one can +make a home alone. It needs a man's strong +hands, a woman's tender hands, and two true +hearts.</p> + +<div class="sidenote">The Light +upon the +Altar</div> + +<p>The light which shines upon the bridal altar +is either the white flame of eternal devotion +or the sacrificial fire which preys hungrily +upon someone's disappointment and someone's +broken heart. But to the utter rout +of the cynic, the dream which led the two +souls thither sometimes becomes divinely true.</p> + +<p>Marriage is said to be sufficient "career" +for any woman, and it is equally true of men. +Like Emerson's vision of friendship, it is fit +"not only for serene days and pleasant rambles, +but for all the passages of life and death."</p> + +<p>It is to make one the stronger because one +does not have to go alone. It is to make +one's joy the sweeter because it is shared. +It is to take the sting away from grief because +it is divided, and the dear comfort of the other's +love lies forever around the sore and doubting +heart.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_157" id="Page_157">[Pg 157]</a></span></p> + +<div class="sidenote">Fire and +Snow</div> + +<p>It is to be the light in the darkness, the belief +in the distrust, the never-failing source of +consolation. It is to be the gentlest of forgiveness +for all of one's mistakes—strength +and tenderness, passion and purity, the fire +and the snow.</p> + +<p>It is to make one generous to all the world +with one's sympathy and compassion, because +in the sanctuary there is no lack of love. It +is "the joining together of two souls for life, +to strengthen each other in all peril, to rest +on each other in all sorrow, to minister to +each other in all pain, to be one with each +other in silent, unspeakable memories at the +moment of the last parting."<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_159" id="Page_159">[Pg 159]</a></span><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_158" id="Page_158">[Pg 158]</a></span></p> + + + +<hr style="width: 65%;" /><p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_160" id="Page_160">[Pg 160]</a></span></p> +<h2><a name="The_Physiology_of_Vanity" id="The_Physiology_of_Vanity"></a>The Physiology of Vanity</h2> + +<div class='center'> +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 600px;"> +<img src="images/illus009.png" width="600" height="385" alt="" title="" /> +</div></div><p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_161" id="Page_161">[Pg 161]</a></span></p> + + + +<hr style="width: 65%;" /> +<h2 style="color: red;">The Physiology of Vanity</h2> + + +<div class="sidenote">Conceit +and +Vanity</div> + +<p>"Vanity of vanities, all is vanity!" It +is the common human emotion, the +root of the personal equation, the battling +residuum in the last analysis of social chemistry. +There is a wide difference between +conceit and vanity. Conceit is lovable and +unconcealed; vanity is supreme selfishness, +usually hidden. Conceit is based upon an +unselfish desire to please; vanity takes no +thought of others which is not based upon +egotism.</p> + +<p>Vanity and jealousy are closely allied, while +conceit is a natural development of altruistic +virtue. Conceit is the mildest of vices; vanity +is the worst. Men are usually conceited +but infrequently vain, while women are seldom +afflicted with the lesser vice.</p> + +<p>Man's conceit is the simplest form of self-appreciation. +He thinks he is extremely +good-looking, as men go; that he has seen<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_162" id="Page_162">[Pg 162]</a></span> +the world; that he is a good judge of dinners +and of human nature; that he is one of the +few men who may easily charm a woman.</p> + +<p>The limits of man's conceit are usually in +full view, but eye nor opera-glass has not yet +approached the end of woman's vanity. The +disease is contagious, and the men who suffer +from it are usually those whose chosen companions +are women.</p> + +<p>Woman's vanity is a development of her +insatiate thirst for love. Her smiles and tears +are all-powerful with her lover, and nothing +goes so quickly to a woman's head as a sense +of power. She forever defies the Salic law—each +woman feels that her rightful place is +upon a throne.</p> + +<div class="sidenote">The One +Object</div> + +<p>The one object of woman's life is the acquirement +of power through love. It is because +this power is freely recognised by the +men who seek her in marriage that her vanity +seldom has full scope until after she is married.</p> + +<div class="sidenote">The +Destroyer</div> + +<p>After marriage, a great many women begin +the slow process of alienating a man from his +family, blind to the fact that by lessening his +love for others, they add nothing to their own +store. The filial and fraternal love is not to<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_163" id="Page_163">[Pg 163]</a></span> +be given to anyone but mother and sisters—they +have no place in a man's heart that another +woman could fill. The destroyer simply +obliterates that part of his life and offers +nothing in its place.</p> + +<p>The achievement sometimes takes years, +but it is none the less sure. Later, it may be +extended to father and brothers, but they are +always the last to be considered.</p> + +<p>It is most difficult of all to break the tie +which binds a man to his mother. The one +who bore him is not faultless, for motherhood +brings new gifts of feeling, sometimes sacrificing +judgment and clear vision to selfish unselfishness. +It is only in fiction and poetry +that such love is valued now, for the divine +blindness which does not question, which +asks only the right to give, has lost beauty in +our age of reason and restraint.</p> + +<p>He had thought that face the most beautiful +in all the world—until he fell in love. +Now he sees his mother as she is; a wrinkled +old woman, perverse, unreasonable, and inclined +to meddle with his domestic affairs. +The hands that soothed his childish fretting +are no longer lovely. Inattention to small<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_164" id="Page_164">[Pg 164]</a></span> +details of dress, which he never noticed before, +are painfully evident. The eyes that have +watched him all his life with loving anxiety, +shining with pride at his success and softening +with tenderest pity at his mistakes, are +subtly different now. He wonders at his +blindness. It is strange, indeed, that he has +not realised all this before.</p> + +<div class="sidenote">The +Awakening</div> + +<p>To most men the awakening comes too +late if it comes at all. Only when the faded +eyes are closed and the worn hands folded forever; +when "mother" is beyond the reach of +praise or blame, her married boy realises what +has been done. With that first shock comes +bitterest repentance—and he never forgives +his wife. Many a woman who complains of +"coldness" and "lost love" might trace it +back to the day her husband's mother died, +and to the sudden flash of insight, the adjustment +of relation, which comes with death.</p> + +<p>The comic papers have made the mother-in-law +a thing to be dreaded. She is the +poster attached to the matrimonial magazine +which inspires would-be purchasers with awe. +Many an engaged girl confides to her best +friend that her fiancé's mother is "an old<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_165" id="Page_165">[Pg 165]</a></span> +cat." She usually goes still further, and gives +jealousy as the cause of it.</p> + +<p>No right-minded mother was ever jealous +of the woman her son chose for his wife. +But she has seen how marriage changes men +and naturally fears the result. The altar is +the grave of many a boy's love for his mother. +Neither of the women most intimately concerned +is blind to the impending possibilities; +it is only man who cannot see.</p> + +<div class="sidenote">One in a +Thousand</div> + +<p>There are some girls who realise what it +means, but they are few and far between. +One in a thousand, perhaps, will openly acknowledge +her debt to the woman who for +twenty-five or thirty years has given her best +thought to the man she is about to marry.</p> + +<p>Is he strong and active, healthy and finely +moulded? It is his mother's care for the first +sixteen years of his life. It is the result of +her anxious days and of many a sleepless +night, while the potential man was racked +with fever and childish ills. His chivalrous +devotion to the girl he loves is wholly due to +his mother's influence. His clean and open-hearted +manliness is a free gift to her, from +the woman now characterised as "an old cat."<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_166" id="Page_166">[Pg 166]</a></span></p> + +<p>It is seldom that the mother receives credit +for his virtues, but she is invariably blamed for +his faults. Too many women expect a man +to be cut out by their pattern. The supreme +mental achievement is the ability to judge +other people by their own standards, and a +crank is not necessarily a person whose rules of +life and conduct do not coincide with our own.</p> + +<div class="sidenote">The +Thirst for +Power</div> + +<p>To this thirst for power may be traced all +of woman's vanity. It is commonly supposed +that she dresses to please others, but she +often values fine raiment principally because +it shows how much her husband thinks of +her. If a man's coat is shiny at the seams +and he postpones the new one that his wife +may have an extra hat, she is delicately +flattered by this unselfish tribute to her charm.</p> + +<p>From a single root vanity spreads and flowers +until its poisonous blooms affect all social +life. A woman becomes vain of her house, +her rugs, her tapestries, her jewels, horses, +and even of the livery of her footman. +The things which should be valued for their +intrinsic beauty and the pleasure-giving quality, +which is not by any means selfish, soon +become food for a vice.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_167" id="Page_167">[Pg 167]</a></span></p> + +<p>She gradually grows to consider herself a +very superior person. She is so charming +and so much to be desired, that some man +works night and day in his office, sacrificing +both pleasure and rest, that she may have the +baubles for which she yearns.</p> + +<p>It is not far from absolute self-satisfaction, +in either man or woman, to generous bestowal +of enlightenment upon the unfortunate +savages who linger on the outskirts of one's +social sphere.</p> + +<p>In the infinite vastness of creation, where +innumerable worlds move according to the +fiat of majestic Law, there lies one called +Earth. There are planets within reach of the +scientific vision of its inhabitants that are +many times larger. There are some which +have more moons, more mountains and rivers, +longer days, and longer years. Countless +suns, the centres of other vast planetary systems, +lie in the inconceivable distances beyond.</p> + +<div class="sidenote">A Mote in +the Sun</div> + +<p>In the midst of this unspeakable greatness, +Earth swings like one of the motes which a +passing sunbeam illumines. Upon this mote, +one fifth of the inhabitants have assumed +supreme knowledge and understanding, given<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_168" id="Page_168">[Pg 168]</a></span> +them, doubtless, because of their innate superiority. +This preferment, also, is theirs by +the grace of an infinitely just and merciful +God.</p> + +<p>The other four fifths are supposedly in total +darkness, though the same heavens are over +their heads, the same earth under their feet, +and though the light of sun and moon and the +gentle radiance of the stars are freely given to +all.</p> + +<p>There are the same opportunities for development +and civilisation, but they have not +received The Enlightenment. To them must +go the foreign missionaries, to teach the things +which have been graciously given them on +account of their innate superiority.</p> + +<div class="sidenote">Narrowing +Circles</div> + +<p>Man's life is a succession of narrowing +circles. He admits the force of the heliocentric +idea, for it is the sun which gives light +and heat. Then the circle narrows, almost +imperceptibly, for, of all the planets which +circle around the sun, is not Earth the chief?</p> + +<p>This point being gained, he is inside the +geocentric circle. Earth is the centre of creation. +Sun, moon, and stars are auxiliary +forces, bountifully arranged by the Giver of<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_169" id="Page_169">[Pg 169]</a></span> +all Good for Earth's beauty and comfort. Of +all the creatures who share in this, is not man +the most important? Thus he retreats to the +anthropocentric circle.</p> + +<div class="sidenote">By +Strength +of Mind +and Arm</div> + +<p>Man is the centre of organic life, and it is +easily seen that his race is far superior to the +others. Their skins are not the same colour, +their ships are not so mighty, their cunning +with weapons is infinitely less. His race is +dominant by strength of mind and arm.</p> + +<p>The dark-skinned races must be taught +civilisation, with fire and sword, with cannon +and bayonet, with crime and death. They +must be civilised before they can be happy. +The naked savage who sits beneath a palm +tree, with his hut in the distance, while his +wife and children hover around him, is happy +only because he is too ignorant to know what +happiness is.</p> + +<p>In order to be rightly happy, he must have +a fine house, carriages, and servants, and live +in a crowded city where tall buildings and +smoke limit one's horizon to a narrow patch +of blue. He must struggle daily with his +fellows, not for the necessaries of life, but +for small pieces of silver and bits of green<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_170" id="Page_170">[Pg 170]</a></span> +paper, which are not nearly as pretty as glass +beads.</p> + +<p>The savage, unaccustomed to refinement, +stabs or beheads his enemy. Civilisation will +teach him the uses of poison, and that putting +typhoid germs into the drinking water of an +Emperor is much more delicate and fully as +effectual.</p> + +<div class="sidenote">The +Sublime +Egotism</div> + +<p>From this small circle, it is only a step to +the centre and to that sublime egotism which +has been named Vanity.</p> + +<p>Man repeats in his own life the development +of a nation. He progresses from unquestioning +happiness to childish inquiry and wonder, +from fairy tales of princes and dragons to +actual knowledge; through inquiry to doubt, +through faith to disbelief, through civilisation +to decay.</p> + +<p>He is not content to let other nations and +others races pursue their normal development. +He insists that the work of centuries be +crowded into a generation. And in the same +manner, the growth and strivings of his fellows +call forth his unselfish aid. Having infinite +treasures of mental equipment, gained +by superior opportunity and wider experience,<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_171" id="Page_171">[Pg 171]</a></span> +he will generously share his noble possessions.</p> + +<div class="sidenote">Personal +Vanity</div> + +<p>It is personal vanity of the most flagrant +type which intrudes itself, unasked, into other +people's affairs. There are few of us who do +not feel capable of ordering the daily lives of +others, down to the most minute detail.</p> + +<p>We know how their houses should be arranged, +how they should spend and invest +their money, how they should dress, how +they should comport themselves, and more +definitely yet do we know the things they +should not do. We know what is right and +what is wrong, while they, poor things! do +not. We know whom and when they should +marry, how their children should be educated +and trained, and what servants they should +employ.</p> + +<p>We know for what pursuit each one is best +fitted and how each should occupy his spare +time. We know to what church all should +go; what creed all should believe. We know +what particular traits are faults and how these +can be corrected. We know so much about +other people that we often have not time to +give due attention to ourselves. We neglect<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_172" id="Page_172">[Pg 172]</a></span> +our own affairs that we may unselfishly direct +others, and sometimes suffer in consequence, +for nobody but a lawyer makes a good living +by attending to other people's business.</p> + +<div class="sidenote">Theoretically</div> + +<p>Theoretically, this should be pleasing to +each one. Every person of sense should be +delighted at being told just what to do. It +would relieve him from all care, all responsibility; +the necessity for thought, planning, +and individual judgment would be wholly +removed.</p> + +<p>The musical student would not have to select +his own instrument, his own teacher, nor +even his own practice time. Every author +would know just how and when to write, +and in order to become famous, he need only +act upon the suggestions for stories and improvement +of style which are gratuitously +given him from day to day, by people who +cannot write a clear and correct sentence. +This thing actually happened; consequently +it is just the theme for fiction. This plot, +suitably developed, would make the nations +sit up, and send the race by hundred thousands +to the corner bookstore.</p> + +<p>The cares incident to selecting a wardrobe<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_173" id="Page_173">[Pg 173]</a></span> +would be wholly removed. Every woman +knows how every other should dress. Her +sure taste selects at a glance the thing which +will best become the other, and over which +the Unenlightened may ponder for hours.</p> + +<div class="sidenote">A Common +Vanity</div> + +<p>There is no more common vanity than +claiming to "know" some particular person. +We are "all things to all men." The two +who love each other better than all the world +beside, have much knowledge, but it is not +by any means complete. "Souls reach out to +each other across the impassable gulfs of individual +being." And yet, daily, people who +have no sympathy with us, and scarcely a +common interest, will assume to "know" us, +when we do not fully know ourselves, and +when we earnestly hide our real selves from +all save the single soul we love.</p> + +<p>To assume intimate knowledge of the hundred +considerations which make up a single +situation, the various complexities of temperament +and disposition which the personal equation +continually produces in human affairs, of +the imperceptible fibres of the web which lies +between two souls, preventing always the fullest +understanding, unless Love, the magician,<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_174" id="Page_174">[Pg 174]</a></span> +gives new sight—amounts to the proclamation +of practical Omnipotence.</p> + +<div class="sidenote">"I Told +You So"</div> + +<p>There is no position in life which is secure. +No complication ever comes to our friends, +which our advice, acted upon, would not immediately +solve. If our most minute directions +are not thankfully received and put into +effect, there is always the comforting indication +of superiority—"I told you so."</p> + +<p>And when the jaded soul revolts in supreme +defiance, declaring its right to its own life, its +own duties, its own friendships, and its own +loves, there is much expressed disgust, much +misfortune predicted, and, saddest of all, much +wounded vanity.</p> + +<p>The dominant egotism forbids that anything +shall be better than itself. No success is comparable +to one's own, no life so wisely ordered, +and there is nothing so sad as the fame +attained by those who do not follow our +advice.</p> + +<p>Adversity is commonly accepted as the test +of friendship, but there is another more certain +still—success. Anyone may bestow +pity. It is fatally easy to offer to those less +fortunate than ourselves; whose capabilities<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_175" id="Page_175">[Pg 175]</a></span> +have not proved adequate, as ours have; but it +requires fine gifts of generous feeling to be genuinely +glad at another's good fortune, in which +we cannot by any possibility hope to share.</p> + +<div class="sidenote">Advice</div> + +<p>Advice is usually to be had for the asking. +In the case of a corporation attorney or a +specialist, there is a high value placed upon +it, but it is to be freely had from those who +love us, and, strangely enough, from those +who do not.</p> + +<p>It is one of the blessings of love, that all +the experience of another, all the battles of +the other soul, are laid open for our better +understanding of our own path. But there is +a subtle distinction between the counsel of +love and that of vanity. The one is unselfishly +glad of our achievements, taking new +delight in every step upward, while the other +passes over triumphs in silence and carps upon +the misfortune until it is not to be borne.</p> + +<p>From the intimate union of two loving +souls, Vanity is forever shut out. Jealousy +dare not show her malignant face. These +two are facing the world together, side by +side and shoulder to shoulder, each the other's +strength and shield.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_176" id="Page_176">[Pg 176]</a></span></p> + +<p>Success may come only after many failures; +the tide may not turn till after long discouragement +and great despair. But in the union +with that other soul, so gently baring its inmost +dream that the other may understand, +defeat loses its sting.</p> + +<div class="sidenote">The +Sanctuary +of that +Other +Soul</div> + +<p>Ambition forever beckons, like a will o' the +wisp. When realisation seems within easy +reach, the dream fades, or another, seemingly +unattainable, mockingly takes its place. But +in the sanctuary of that other soul, there is +always new courage to be found. Long +aisles and quiet spaces lessen the fever and +the unrest. Darkness and cool shadows soothe +the burning eyes, and in the clasp of those +loving arms there is certain sleep.</p> + +<p>Vanity cares for nothing which is not in +some way its own, and it is perhaps an +amorphous vanity, as carbon is akin to a +diamond, that makes a hard-won victory +doubly dear.</p> + +<p>There are always sycophants to fawn and +flatter, there are hands that will gladly help +that they may claim their share of the result, +but that realised dream is wholly sweet in +which only the dreamer and the other soul<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_177" id="Page_177">[Pg 177]</a></span> +have fully believed. Failure, even, is more +easily borne if it is entirely one's own; if there +is no one else to be blamed.</p> + +<div class="sidenote">The +Bitter +Proof</div> + +<p>"Vanity of vanities, all is vanity." So +spake the prophet in Jerusalem and the centuries +have brought the bitter proof. Vanity +has reared palaces which have vanished like +the architecture of a mirage. Vanity has led +the hosts against itself.</p> + +<p>Where are Babylon and Nineveh; the hanging +gardens and the splendour of forgotten +kings? Where are Cæsar and Cleopatra; Trianon +and Marie Antoinette? Where is the +lordly Empire of France? Is it buried with +military honours, in the grave of the exiled +Napoleon?</p> + +<p>Vanity's pomp endureth for a day, but Vanity +itself is perennial. Vanity sets whole races +of men in motion, pitting them against each +other across intervening seas.</p> + +<p>One woman has a stone, no larger than a +pea, brought from a mine in South Africa. +Vanity sets it proudly upon her breast and +leads other women to envy her its possession, +for purely selfish reasons. One woman's +gown is made from a plant which grows in<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_178" id="Page_178">[Pg 178]</a></span> +Georgia and she is unhappy because it is not +the product of a French or Japanese worm.</p> + +<p>One woman's coat is woven from the covering +of a sheep, and she is not content because +it has not cost a greater number of silver +pieces and more bits of green paper, besides +the life of an Arctic seal, that never harmed +her nor hers.</p> + +<p>Vanity allows a tender-hearted woman, +who cannot see a child or a dumb brute in +pain, to order the tails of her horses cut to the +fashionable length and to wear upon her hat +the pitiful little body of a song-bird that has +been skinned alive.</p> + +<p>Vanity permits a woman to trim the outer +garments of the little stranger for whose coming +she has long waited and prayed, with +pretty, fluffy fur torn from the unborn baby of +another mother—who is only a sheep. Vanity +permits a woman to insist that her combs +and pins shall be real tortoise-shell, which is +obtained from the quivering animal by roasting +it alive before a slow fire.</p> + +<div class="sidenote">All is +Vanity</div> + +<p>"Vanity of vanities, all is vanity!" The +mad race still goes on. It is insatiate vanity +which wrecks lives, ruins homes, torments<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_179" id="Page_179">[Pg 179]</a></span> +one's fellows, and blinds the clear vision of its +victims. It harms others, but most of all +one's self.</p> + +<div class="sidenote">The Conqueror</div> + +<p>There is only one place from which it is +shut out—from the union with that other +soul. Great as it is, there is still a greater +force; there is the inevitable conqueror, for +Vanity cannot exist side by side with Love.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_181" id="Page_181">[Pg 181]</a></span><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_180" id="Page_180">[Pg 180]</a></span></p> + + + +<hr style="width: 65%;" /><p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_182" id="Page_182">[Pg 182]</a></span></p> +<h2><a name="Widowers_and_Widows" id="Widowers_and_Widows"></a>Widowers and Widows</h2> + +<div class='center'> +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 600px;"> +<img src="images/illus010.png" width="600" height="493" alt="" title="" /> +</div></div><p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_183" id="Page_183">[Pg 183]</a></span></p> + + + +<hr style="width: 65%;" /> +<h2 style="color: red;">Widowers and Widows</h2> + + +<p>Next to burglars, mice, and green worms, +every normal girl fears a widow. Courtships +have been upset and expected proposals +have vanished into thin air, simply because a +widow has come into the game. There is +only one thing to do in such a case; retreat +gracefully, and leave the field to her.</p> + +<div class="sidenote">The +Charm</div> + +<p>A widow's degree of blandishment is conservatively +estimated at twenty-five spinster +power. At almost every session of spinsters, +the question comes up for discussion. It is +difficult to see just where the charm lies.</p> + +<p>A widow has, of course, a superior knowledge +of ways and means. She has fully +learned the value of silence, of food, and of +judicious flattery. But these accomplishments +may be acquired by the observing spinster +who gives due attention to the subject.</p> + +<p>The mystery lies deeper than is first suspected. +It is possible that the knowledge of +her own limitations has something to do with<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_184" id="Page_184">[Pg 184]</a></span> +it. A girl who has been flattered, adored, +placed upon a pedestal and worshipped, naturally +comes to the conclusion that she belongs +there. She issues her commands from that +height and conveys to man various delicate +reminders of his servility.</p> + +<div class="sidenote">The +Pedestal +Idea</div> + +<p>When the same girl is married and by due +operation of natural law becomes a widow, +she doubtless has come to a better understanding +of the pedestal idea. Hence she does not +attempt the impossible, and satisfies herself +with working those miracles which are comparatively +simple.</p> + +<p>A widow has all of the freedom of a girl, +combined with the liberty of a married woman. +She has the secure social position of a +matron without the drawback of a husband. +She is nearer absolute independence than other +women are ever known to be.</p> + +<p>Where a girl is strong and self-reliant, a +widow is helpless and confiding. She can +never carry her own parcels, put on her own +overshoes, or button her own gloves. A +widow's shoe laces have never been known +to stay tied for any length of time, unless she +has shapeless ankles and expansive feet.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_185" id="Page_185">[Pg 185]</a></span></p> + +<p>A widow's telegrams must always be taken +to the office by some man. Time-tables are +beyond her understanding and she never +knows about trains. It frequently takes three +or four men to launch a widow upon a two-hundred-mile +journey, while a girl can start +across the continent with considerably less +commotion.</p> + +<div class="sidenote">The Inference</div> + +<p>The inference is, of course, that she has +been accustomed to these delicate attentions—that +the dear departed has always done such +things. The pretty way in which she asks +favours carries out the delusion. He would +be a brute, indeed, who could refuse the little +service for which she pleads.</p> + +<p>The dear departed, naturally, was delighted +to do these things, or he would not have done +them—such being the way of the married +man. Consequently, the lady was very tenderly +loved—and men follow each other like +sheep in matters of the heart.</p> + +<p>The attraction a widower has for a girl is +in inverse proportion to a widow's influence +over a man. It is true that the second wife +is usually better treated than the first, and that +the new occupant of a man's heart reaps the<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_186" id="Page_186">[Pg 186]</a></span> +benefit of her predecessor's training. But it +is not until spinsterhood is fully confirmed by +grey hair and the family Bible that a girl begins +to look with favour upon the army of +the detached.</p> + +<div class="sidenote">The Food +of her +Soul</div> + +<p>It seems to her that all the romance is necessarily +gone—and it is romance upon which +her soul feeds. There can be none of that +dear delight in the first home building, which +is the most beautiful part of marriage to +a girl. Her pretty concern about draperies +and colours is all an old story to the man. +She may even have to buy her kitchen ware +all alone, and it is considered the nicest thing +in the world to have a man along when pots +and pans are bought.</p> + +<p>If widowers and widows would only mate +with each other, instead of trespassing upon +the hunting grounds of the unmarried! It is +an exceptional case in which the bereaved are +not mutually wary. They seem to prefer the +unfair advantage gained by having all the experience +on one side.</p> + +<p>The normal man proposes with ease and +carelessness, but the ceremony is second nature +to a widower. If he meets a girl he likes, he<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_187" id="Page_187">[Pg 187]</a></span> +proceeds at once to business and is slow indeed +for his kind if he does not offer his hand +and heart within a week.</p> + +<p>A clever man once wrote a story, describing +the coming of a girl to a widower's house. +With care and forethought, the dying wife had +left a letter for her successor, which the man +fearlessly gave her before she had taken off her +hat, because, as the story-teller naïevely adds, +"she was twenty-eight and very sane."</p> + +<div class="sidenote">A Nice +Letter</div> + +<p>This letter proved to be various admonitions +to the bride and earnest hopes that she might +make her husband happy. It was all very +pretty and it was surely a nice letter, but no +woman could fail to see that it was an exquisite +revenge upon the man who had been rash +enough to install another in the place of the +dead.</p> + +<p>There was not a line which was not kind, nor +a word which did not contain a hidden sting. +It would be enough to make one shudder all +one's life—this hand of welcome extended +from the grave. Yet everything continued +happily—perhaps because a man wrote the +story.</p> + +<p>A woman demands not only all of a man's<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_188" id="Page_188">[Pg 188]</a></span> +life, but all of his thoughts after she is dead. +The grave may hide much, but not that particular +quality in woman's nature. If it is +common to leave letters for succeeding wives, +it is done with sinister purpose.</p> + +<p>Romance is usually considered an attribute +of youth, and possibly the years bring views +of marriage which are impossible to the +younger generation. No girl, in her wildest +moments, ever dreams of marrying a widower +with three or four children, yet, when she is +well on in her thirties, with her heart still unsatisfied, +she often does that very thing, and +happily at that.</p> + +<div class="sidenote">The Hidden +Heartache</div> + +<p>Still, there must be a hidden heartache, for +woman, with her love of love, is unable to +understand the series of distinct and unrelated +episodes which make up the love of a man. +It is hard to take the crumbs another woman +has left, especially if a goodly portion of a +man's heart is suspected to lie in the grave.</p> + +<p>It is harder still, if helpless children are +daily to look into her face, with eyes which +are neither hers nor his, and the supreme +crucifixion in the life of a woman whose +ideals have not changed, is to go into a home<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_189" id="Page_189">[Pg 189]</a></span> +which has been made by the hands of a dead +and dearly loved wife.</p> + +<p>To a woman, material things are always +heavily laden with memories. There is not a +single article of furniture which has not its +own individuality. She cannot consider a +piece of embroidery apart from the dead hands +that made it, nor a chair without some association +with its previous occupants.</p> + +<p>Sometimes the rooms are heavily laden with +portraits which are to confront her from day +to day with the taunting presence. She is +obliged to tell callers that the crayon upon the +opposite wall is "the first Mrs. ——." There +are also pictures of the first wife's dead children, +and here and there the inevitable photograph, +of years gone by, of bride and groom +in wedding garments—the man sitting down, +of course, while his wife stands behind him, +as a servant might, with her hand upon his +chair.</p> + +<div class="sidenote">Day by +Day</div> + +<p>Day by day, those eyes are fixed upon her +in stern judgment. Her failings and her conscious +virtues are forever before that other +woman. Her tears and her laughter are alike +subjected to that remorseless scrutiny.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_190" id="Page_190">[Pg 190]</a></span></p> + +<div class="sidenote">A Sheeted +Spectre</div> + +<p>Does she dare to forget and be happy? +The other woman looks down upon her like +a sheeted spectre conveying a solemn warning. +"You may die," those pictured lips +seem to say, "and some other will take your +place, as you have taken mine." When the +tactlessness, bad temper, or general mulishness +of man wrings unwilling tears from her +eyes, there is no sympathy to be gained from +that impalpable presence. "You should not +have married him," the picture seems to say, +or; "He treated me the same way, and I +died."</p> + +<p>She is not to be blamed if she fancies that +her husband also feels the presence of the +other. As she pours his coffee in the morning +and he looks upon her with the fond +glance which men bestow upon women +about to give them food, she may easily imagine +that he sees the other in her place. +Even the clasp of her hand or the touch of +her lips may bring a longing for that other, +hidden in the far-off grave.</p> + +<p>Broadly speaking, widowers make better +husbands than widows do wives. The presence +of the dead wife may be a taunting<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_191" id="Page_191">[Pg 191]</a></span> +memory, but seldom more. It is not often +that she is spoken of, unless it is to praise her +cooking. If she made incomparable biscuits +and her coffee was fit to be the nectar of the +gods, there are apt to be frequent and tactless +comparisons, until painful experience teaches +the sinner that this will not do.</p> + +<div class="sidenote">"A Shining +Mark"</div> + +<p>On the contrary, a widow's second husband +is often the most sincere mourner of her first. +As time goes on, he realises keenly what a +doleful day it was for him when that other +died. "Death loves a shining mark," and +that first husband was always such a paragon +of perfection that it seems like an inadvertence +because he was permitted to glorify this +sodden sphere at all. She keeps, in heart at +least, and often by outward observance, the +anniversaries of her former engagement and +marriage. The love letters of the dead are +put away with her jewels and bits of real lace.</p> + +<p>Small defections are commented upon and +odious parallels drawn. Her home is seen to +be miserably inadequate beside the one she +once had. Her supply of pin money is +painfully small, judged by the standard which +has hitherto been her guide. Callers are<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_192" id="Page_192">[Pg 192]</a></span> +entertained with anecdotes of "my first husband," +and her dinner table is graced with the +same stories that famous raconteur was wont +to tell.</p> + +<p>If her present husband pays her a compliment, +he is reminded that his predecessor was +accustomed to say the same thing. The relatives +of the first wife are gently made aware +that their acquaintance is not desired. His +manner of life is carefully renovated and his +old friendships put away with moth balls and +camphor, never to see the light again.</p> + +<div class="sidenote">The Best +Advertisement</div> + +<p>Yet the best possible advertisement of matrimony +is the rapidity with which the bereaved +seek new mates. There is no more +delicate compliment to a first marriage than a +second alliance, even when divorce, rather +than death, has been the separating agency. +A divorced man has more power to charm +than a widower, because there is always the +supposition that he was not understood and +that his life's happiness is still to come.</p> + +<div class="sidenote">Forgetting</div> + +<p>Forgetting is the finest art of life and is to +be desired more than memory, even though +Mnemosyne stands close by Lethe and with +her dewy finger-tips soothes away all pain.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_193" id="Page_193">[Pg 193]</a></span> +The lowest life remembers; to the highest +only is it given to forget.</p> + +<p>Yet, when the last word is said, this is the +dread and the pity of death. It is not "the +breathless darkness and the narrow house," +but the certain knowledge that one's place +can almost instantly be filled. The lips that +quiver with sobs will some day smile again, +eyes dimmed by long weeping will dance with +laughter, hearts that once ached bitterly will +some day swell and overflow with a new love.</p> + +<p>This knowledge lies heavily upon a woman's +soul and saddens, though often imperceptibly, +the happiest marriage. All her toil +and striving may some day be for naught. +The fruits of her industry and thrift may some +day gleam in jewels upon the white throat of +another woman. Silks and laces which she +could not have will add to the beauty of the +possible woman who will ascend her vacant +throne.</p> + +<p>Sometimes a woman remains faithful to a +memory, and sometimes, though rarely, a +man may do the same. There is only one +relation in life which may not be formed +again—that between a mother and her child.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_194" id="Page_194">[Pg 194]</a></span></p> + +<div class="sidenote">The Child +Upon Her +Breast</div> + +<p>The little one may have lived but a few +days, yet, if it has once lain upon her breast, +she has something Death may never hope to +destroy. Other children, equally dear, may +grow to stalwart manhood and gracious womanhood, +but that face rises to immortality +in a world of endless change.</p> + +<p>No single cry, no weak clasp of baby +fingers is ever forgotten. Through all the +years, unchanging, and taking on new beauty +with every fleeting day, the little face is still +before her. And thus in a way Death brings +her a blessing, for when the others have +grown she has it still—the child upon her +breast.</p> + +<p>Love's best gifts are not to be taken away. +Tender memories must always be inwoven +with the sad, and the sympathy and unselfishness +which great loves ever bring are left to +make sweet the nature of one who is chastened +by sorrow. Grief itself never stings; +it is the accusing conscience which turns the +dagger remorselessly in the heart.</p> + +<div class="sidenote">Our unsuspected +Kindness</div> + +<p>Life, after all, is a masquerade. We fear to +show our tenderness and our love. We +habitually hide our best feelings, lest we be<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_195" id="Page_195">[Pg 195]</a></span> +judged weak and emotional, and unfit for the +age in which it is our privilege to move. +Sometimes it needs Death to show us ourselves +and to teach our friends our deep and +unsuspected kindness.</p> + +<p>The woman who hungers throughout her +marriage for the daily expression of her husband's +love, often looks longingly towards +the day to come, when hot tears will fall +upon her upturned face and that for which +she has vainly thirsted will be laid upon her +silent lips. But swiftly upon the vision comes +the thought, that even so, it would be of +short duration; that the newly awakened +love would soon be the portion of someone +else.</p> + +<p>It would be a beautiful world, indeed, if +we were not at such pains to hide our real +selves—if all our kindly thoughts were spoken +and all our generous deeds were done. No +one of us would think of Death as our best +friend, if we were not all so bitterly unkind. +Yet we put into white fingers the roses for +which the living might have pleaded in vain, +and too often, with streaming eyes, we ask +pardon of the dead.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_196" id="Page_196">[Pg 196]</a></span></p> + +<div class="sidenote">Atonement</div> + +<p>Atonement is not to be made thus. A +costly monument in a public square is tardy +appreciation of a genius whose generation refused +him bread. A man's tears upon a woman's +hands are not enough, when all her +life she has prayed for his love.</p> + +<p>There is no law so unrelenting as that of +compensation. Gravitation itself may be more +successfully defied. It is the one thing which +is absolutely just and which is universal in its +action, though sometimes as slow as the majestic +forces which change rock to dust.</p> + +<p>We cannot have more joy than we give—nor +more pain. The eternal balance swings +true. The capacity for enjoyment and the +capacity for suffering are one and the same. +He who lives out of reach of sorrow has sacrificed +his possible ecstasy. "He has seen only +half the universe who has not been shown the +House of Pain."</p> + +<div class="sidenote">Emerson's +"Compensation"</div> + +<p>"And yet the compensations of calamity +are made apparent to the understanding also +after long intervals of time. A fever, a +mutilation, a cruel disappointment, a loss of +friends, seems at the moment unpaid loss and +unpayable. But the sure years reveal the<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_197" id="Page_197">[Pg 197]</a></span> +deep remedial force that underlies all facts. +The death of a dear friend, wife, brother, +lover, which seemed nothing but privation, +somewhat later assumes the aspect of a guide +or genius; for it commonly operates revolutions +in our way of life, terminating an epoch +of infancy or youth which was waiting to be +closed, breaks up a wonted occupation or a +household or style of living, and allows the +formation of new ones more friendly to the +growth of character. It permits or constrains +the formation of new acquaintances, and the reception +of new influences that prove of the +first importance to the next years; and the +man or woman who would have remained a +sunny garden flower, with no room for its +roots and too much sunshine for its head, by +the falling of the walls and the neglect of the +gardener is made the banian of the forest, +yielding shade and fruit to wide neighbourhoods +of men."</p> + +<div class="sidenote">Upon the +Upland +Ways</div> + +<p>That life alone is worth the living which +sets itself upon the upland ways. To steel +one's self against joy to be spared the inevitable +hurt, is not life. We are afraid of +love, because the might and terror of it has<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_198" id="Page_198">[Pg 198]</a></span> +sometimes brought despair. We are afraid +of belief, because our trust has been betrayed. +We are afraid of death, because we have seen +forgetfulness.</p> + +<p>We should not fear that someone might +take our place in the heart that loves us best—if +we were only loved enough. The same +love is never given twice; it differs in quality +if not in degree, and when once made one's +own, is never to be lost.</p> + +<p>There are some natures whose happiness is +a matter of persons and things; some to +love and some to be loved; the daily needs +amply satisfied, and that is enough for content.</p> + +<p>There are others with whom persons and +things do not suffice, whose love is vital, elemental, +and indestructible. It has no beginning +and no end; it simply is. With this +the Grey Angel has no power; the grave is +robbed of its victory and death of its sting.</p> + +<p>"Love never denied Death and Death will +not deny Love." When the bond is of that +finer sort which does not rely upon presence +for its permanence, there is little bereavement +to be felt. For mutely, like a guardian angel, +that other may live with us still; not as<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_199" id="Page_199">[Pg 199]</a></span> +a shadowy presence, but rather as a dear +reality.</p> + +<p>That little mound of earth upon the distant +hill, over which the sun and stars pass in +endless sequence, and where the quiet is +unbroken through the change of spring to +autumn, and the change of autumn to spring, +has not the power to destroy love, but rather +to make it more sure.</p> + +<p>The one who sleeps is forever beyond the +reach of doubt and misunderstanding. Separation, +estrangement, and bitterness, which +are sometimes concealed in the cup that Life +and Love have given, are forever taken out +by Death, who is never cruel and who is +often kind.</p> + +<div class="sidenote">The +Wanderer's +Rest</div> + +<p>We tread upon earth and revile it, forgetting +that at last it hides our defects and that +through it our dead hearts climb to blossom +in violets and rue. Death is the Wanderer's +Rest, where there is no questioning, but the +same healing sleep for all. In that divine +peace, there is no room for regret, since the +earthly loves are sure of immortality.</p> + +<div class="sidenote">While the +Dream +Seemed +True</div> + +<p>As much as is vital will live on, unchanging, +changeless, and taking on new sweet<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_200" id="Page_200">[Pg 200]</a></span>ness +with the years. That which is not +wholly given, which is ours only for a little +time, will fade as surely as the roses in the +marble hands. Death has saved many a heartache, +by coming while the dream still seemed +true.</p> + +<p>In a single passage, Emerson has voiced +the undying beauty and the everlasting truth +which lie beneath the perplexities of life.</p> + +<p>"Oh, believe as thou livest, that every +sound which is spoken over the round world, +which thou oughtest to hear, will vibrate on +thine ear. Every proverb, every book, every +byword which belongs to thee for aid or comfort, +shall surely come home, through open or +winding passages. Every friend, whom not +thy fantastic will, but the great and tender +heart in thee craveth, shall lock thee in his +embrace. And this, because the heart in thee +is the heart of all; not a valve, not a wall, +not an intersection is there anywhere in nature, +but one blood rolls uninterruptedly an +endless circulation through all men, as the +water of the globe is all one sea, and, truly +seen, its tide is one."</p> + +<div class="sidenote">The Everlasting +Love</div> + +<p>Sometimes, into two hearts great enough to<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_201" id="Page_201">[Pg 201]</a></span> +hold it, and into two souls where it may forever +abide, there comes the Everlasting Love. +It is elemental, like fire and the sea, with +the depth and splendour of the surge and +the glory of the flame. It makes the world a +vast cathedral, in which they two may worship, +and where, even in the darkness, there +is the peace which passeth all understanding, +because it is of God.</p> + +<p>When the time of parting comes, for there +is always that turning in the road, the sadness +is not so great because one must go on alone. +Life grows beautiful after a time and even +wholly sweet, when a man and a woman +have so lived and loved and worked together, +that death is not good-bye, but rather—"auf +wiedersehen."<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_203" id="Page_203">[Pg 203]</a></span><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_202" id="Page_202">[Pg 202]</a></span></p> + + + +<hr style="width: 65%;" /><p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_204" id="Page_204">[Pg 204]</a></span></p> +<h2><a name="The_Consolations_of_Spinsterhood" id="The_Consolations_of_Spinsterhood"></a>The Consolations of Spinsterhood</h2> + +<div class='center'> +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 589px;"> +<img src="images/illus011.png" width="589" height="600" alt="" title="" /> +</div></div><p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_205" id="Page_205">[Pg 205]</a></span></p> + + + +<hr style="width: 65%;" /> +<h2 style="color: red;">The Consolations of Spinsterhood</h2> + + +<div class="sidenote">"A Great +Miration"</div> + +<p>The attached members of the community +are wont to make what Uncle Remus +called "a great miration," when a woman +deliberately chooses spinsterhood as her lot in +life, rather than marriage.</p> + +<p>There is an implied pity in their delicate +inquiries, and always the insinuation that the +spinster in question could never have had an +offer of marriage. The husband of the lady +leading the inquisition may have been one of +the spinster's first admirers, but it is never +safe to say so, for so simple a thing as this +has been known to cause trouble in families.</p> + +<p>If it is known positively that some man has +offered her his name and his troubles, and +there is still no solitaire to be seen, the logical +hypothesis is charitably advanced, that she has +been "disappointed in love." It is possible +for a spinster to be disappointed in lovers, but +only the married are ever disappointed in love.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_206" id="Page_206">[Pg 206]</a></span></p> + +<div class="sidenote">A Cause +of Stagnation</div> + +<p>The married women who ask the questions +and who, with gracious kindness, hunt up attractive +men for the unfortunate young woman +to meet, are, all unknowingly, one great +cause of stagnation in the marriage-license +market.</p> + +<p>Nothing so pleases a woman safely inside +the bonds of holy matrimony as to confide +her sorrows, her regrets, and her broken +ideals to her unattached friends. Many a +woman thinks her ideal is broken when it is +only sprained, but the effect is the same.</p> + +<p>Was the coffee weak and were the waffles +cold, and did Monsieur express his opinion of +such a breakfast in language more concise +than elegant? Madame weeps, and gives a +lurid account of the event to the visiting +spinster. By any chance, does a girl go +from her own dainty and orderly room into +an apartment strewn with masculine belongings, +confounded upon confusion such as +Milton never dreamed? Does she have to +wait while her friend restores order to the +chaos? If so, she puts it down in her mental +note-book, upon the page headed "Against."</p> + +<p>The small domestic irritations which crowd<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_207" id="Page_207">[Pg 207]</a></span> +upon the attached woman from day to day, +leaving crow's feet around her eyes and delicate +tracery in her forehead, have a certain +effect upon the observing. But worse than +this is the spectre of "the other woman," +which haunts her friend from day to day, to +the grave—and after, if the dead could tell +their thoughts.</p> + +<p>If she has been safely shielded from books +which were not written for The Young Person, +Mademoiselle believes that marriage is a +bond which is not to be broken except by +death. It is a severe shock when she first +discovers that death changes nothing; that it +is only life which separates utterly.</p> + +<div class="sidenote">That +Pitiful +Story</div> + +<p>That pitiful story of "the other woman" +comes from quarters which the uninitiated +would never suspect. With grim loyalty, +married women hide their hearts from each +other. Many a smile conceals a tortured soul. +When the burden is no longer to be borne, a +spinster is asked to share it.</p> + +<p>A woman will forgive a man anything except +disloyalty to herself. Crimes which the +law stands ready to punish rank as naught +with her, if the love between them is untarn<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_208" id="Page_208">[Pg 208]</a></span>ished +by doubt or mistrust. Any offence +prompted by her own charm, even a duel to +the death with a rival suitor, is easily condoned. +But though God may be able to forgive +disloyalty, in her heart of hearts no +woman ever can.</p> + +<div class="sidenote">An Idle +Flirtation</div> + +<p>More often than not, it is simply an idle flirtation, +or, at the most, a passing fancy which the +next week may prove transient and unreal. +The woman with the heartache will say, with +wet eyes and quivering lips: "I know, positively, +that my husband has done nothing +wrong. I would go to the stake upon that belief. +He is only weak and foolish and a little +vain, perhaps, and some day he will see his +mistake, but I cannot bear to see him compromise +himself and me in the eyes of the world. +Of course, <i>I</i> know," she will say, proudly, +"but there are others who do not,—who are +always ready to suspect,—and I will not have +them pity me!"</p> + +<p>When nearly all the married friends a spinster +has have come to her with the same +story, the variations being individual and of +slight moment, she begins to have serious +doubts of matrimony as a satisfactory career.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_209" id="Page_209">[Pg 209]</a></span> +Women who have been married five, ten, and +even twenty years; women with children +grown and whom the world counts safely and +happily married, will sob bitterly in the embrace +of the chosen girl friend.</p> + +<div class="sidenote">Indifference</div> + +<p>Indifference is the only counsel one has to +offer, but even so, it gradually becomes the +first of the steppes upon the heart-way which +lead to an emotional Siberia.</p> + +<p>Of course there are women who are insanely +jealous of their husbands, and, more rarely, +men who are jealous of their wives. Jealousy +may be explained as innate vanity and selfishness +or as a defect in temperament, but at any +rate, it is a condition which is far past the +theoretical stage.</p> + +<p>It is hard for a spinster to understand why +any woman should wish to hold a man against +his will. A dog who has to be kept chained, +in order to be retained as a pet, is never a very +satisfactory possession. It seems natural to +apply the same reasoning to human affairs, +for surely no love is worth having which is +not a free gift.</p> + +<p>No girl would feel particularly flattered by a +proposal, if it were put in this form: "Will<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_210" id="Page_210">[Pg 210]</a></span> +you marry me? No one else will." Yet the +same girl, married, would gladly take her +husband to a desert island, that she might be +sure of him forever.</p> + +<div class="sidenote">Behind +Prison +Bars</div> + +<p>Love which needs to be put behind prison +bars, that it may not escape, is not love, but +attraction, fascination, or whatever the psychologists +may please. A man chooses his +wife, not because there are no other women, +but in spite of them. It is a pathetic acknowledgment +of his poor judgment, if he lets the +world suspect that his choice was wrong.</p> + +<p>There are some souls that hie them faraway +from civilisation, to convents, monasteries, and +western plains, that they may keep away from +temptation. In the same fashion, woman tries +to isolate her lord and master. If he meets +women at all, they are those invisibly labeled +"not dangerous."</p> + +<p>The world makes as many saints as sinners, +and the man who needs to be kept away from +any sort of temptation is weak indeed. There +are many of his kind, but he is the better man +in the end who meets it face to face, fights +with it like a soldier, and wins like a king.</p> + +<div class="sidenote">The +Thousand +Foes</div> + +<p>The mother of Sparta bade her son return<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_211" id="Page_211">[Pg 211]</a></span> +with his shield or on it, and the thought has +potential might to-day. If a man honestly +loves a woman, she need have no fear of the +thousand foes that wait to take him from her. +If he does not, the sooner she understands the +truth, the better it is for both. There are +many people who consider love a dream, but +they usually grow to think of marriage as the +cold breakfast.</p> + +<p>Men are but children of a larger growth. A +small boy forgets his promise to stay at home +and tears madly down the street in the discordant +wake of a band. The same boy, in +later years, will follow his impulses with equal +readiness, for he is taught conformity to outward +laws, but very seldom self-control.</p> + +<p>The fear of "the other woman" may be +largely assuaged by a spinster's confidence in +her ability to cope with the difficult situation, +should it ever present itself, but there are other +considerations which act as a discouragement +to matrimony.</p> + +<p>The chains of love may be sweet bondage, +but freedom is hardly less dear. The spinster, +like the wind, may go where she listeth, and +there is no one to say her nay. A modern<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_212" id="Page_212">[Pg 212]</a></span> +essayist has pointed out that "if a mortal +knows his mate cannot get away, he is apt to +be severe and unreasonable."</p> + +<p>The thought of being compelled to ask for +money, and perhaps to meet with refusal, +frequently acts as a deterrent upon incipient +love. A man is often generous with his +sweetheart and miserly with his wife. In the +days of courtship, the dollars may fly on wings +in search of pleasure for the well-beloved, and +yet, after marriage, they will be squeezed until +the milling is worn smooth, the eyes start +from the eagle, and until one half-way expects +to hear the noble bird scream.</p> + +<div class="sidenote">Unlimited +Credit</div> + +<p>There are girls in every circle, married to +men not by any means insolvent, who have +unlimited credit, but never any money of their +own. They have carriages but no car fare; +fine stationery, monogrammed and blazoned +with a coat of arms, but not by any chance a +postage stamp.</p> + +<p>Many a woman in such circumstances covenants +with the tradespeople to charge as merchandise +what is really cash, and sells laces +and ribbons to her friends a little below cost. +When a girl is approached with a plea to have<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_213" id="Page_213">[Pg 213]</a></span> +her purchases charged to her friend's account, +and to pay her friend rather than the merchant, +is it not sufficient to postpone possible +matrimony at least six months? Adversity +has no terrors for a woman; she will gladly +share misfortune with the man she loves, but +simple selfishness is a very different proposition.</p> + +<div class="sidenote">"Wedded +to their +Art"</div> + +<p>There are also the dazzling allurements +offered by various "careers" which bring +fame and perhaps fortune. The glittering +triumphs of a prima donna, a picture on the +line in the Salon, or a possible book which +shall sell into the hundred thousands, are not +without a certain charm, even though people +who are "wedded to their art" sometimes +get a divorce without asking for it.</p> + +<p>The universal testimony of the great, that +fame itself is barren, is thrust aside as of small +moment. She does not realise that it is love +for which she hungers, rather than fame, which +is the admiration of the many. Sometimes +she learns that "the love of all is but a small +thing to the love of one" and that in a right +marriage there would be no conscious sacrifice. +If she were not free to continue the<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_214" id="Page_214">[Pg 214]</a></span> +work that she loved, she would feel no +deprivation.</p> + +<p>Happiness is often thrust aside because of +her ideals. She demands all things in a single +man, forgetting that she, too, is human and not +by any means faultless. Some day, perhaps +too late, she understands that love and criticism +lie far apart, that love brings beauty +with it, and that the marks of individuality +are the very texture of charm, as the splendour +of the opal lies in its flaws.</p> + +<div class="sidenote">The Vital +Touch</div> + +<p>There is always the doubt as to whether +the seeker may be the one of all the world to +find the inmost places in her heart. Taste and +temperament may be akin, position and purpose +in full accord, and yet the vital touch may +be lacking. Sometimes, in the after-years, it +may be found by two who seek for it patiently +together, but too often dissonance grows into +discord and estrangement.</p> + +<p>The march of civilisation has done away +with the odium which was formerly the portion +of the unattached woman. It is no disgrace +to be a spinster, and apparently it is +fitting and proper to be an old maid, since so +many of them have "Mrs." on their cards, and<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_215" id="Page_215">[Pg 215]</a></span> +since there are so many narrow-minded and +critical men who fully deserve the appellation.</p> + +<p>There is no use in saying that any particular +girl is a spinster from necessity rather than +choice. One has but to look at the peculiar +specimens of womankind who have married, +to be certain that there is no one on the wide +earth who could not do so if she chose.</p> + +<div class="sidenote">"A Discipline"</div> + +<p>Some people are fond of alluding to marriage +as "a discipline," and sometimes a +grey-haired matron will volunteer the information +that "the first years of marriage are anything +but happy." To one who has hitherto +regarded it from a different point of view, +the training-school idea is not altogether +attractive.</p> + +<p>Men and women who have been through +it very seldom hold to their first opinions. It +is considered as a business arrangement, a +social contrivance, sometimes as an easy way +to make money, but by very few as the highest +form of happiness.</p> + +<div class="sidenote">Small +Extravagances</div> + +<p>The consolations of spinsterhood are mainly +negative, but the minus sign has its proper +place in the personal equation. "The other +woman" does not exist for the spinster, save<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_216" id="Page_216">[Pg 216]</a></span> +as a shadowy possibility. She is not asked +what she did with the nickel which was +given her day before yesterday, and thus +forced to make confession of small extravagances, +or to reply, with such sweetness as +she may muster, that she bought a lot on a +fashionable street with part of it, and has +the remainder out at interest. She does not +have to stay at home from social affairs +because she has no escort, for the law has +not apportioned to her a solitary man, and +she has a liberty of choice which is not +accorded her married friend.</p> + +<p>She is not subjected to the humiliation of +asking a man for money to pay for his own +food, his own service, and even his own +laundry bill. She can usually earn her own, +if the gods have not awarded her sufficient +gold, and there is no money which a woman +spends so happily as that which she has +earned herself.</p> + +<p>The "career" lies before her, and she has +only to choose the thing for which she is +best fitted, and work her way upward from +the lowest ranks to the position of a star +of the first magnitude. Opportunity is but<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_217" id="Page_217">[Pg 217]</a></span> +another name for health, obstacles make firm +stepping-stones, and that which is dearly +bought is by far the sweetest in the end. +Of course there are "strings to pull," but +no one needs them. Success is more lasting +if it is won in an open field, without favour, +and in spite of generous measures of it bestowed +upon the opposition.</p> + +<div class="sidenote">The +Greatest +Consolation</div> + +<p>But of all the consolations of spinsterhood, +the greatest is this,—that out of the dim and +uncertain future, perchance in the guise of +a divorced man or a widower with four +children, The Prince may yet come.</p> + +<p>"On his plain but trusty sword are these +words only—Love and Understand." Across +the unsounded, estranging seas, with a whole +world lying immutably between, he, too, may +be waiting for the revelation. He may come +as a knight of old, with banners, jewels, and +flashing steel, to the clarion ring of trumpet +or cymbal, or softly, in the twilight, like +one whose presence is felt before it is made +known.</p> + +<p>Out of the city streets The Prince may +come, tired of the endless struggle, when the +tide of the human has beaten heavily upon<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_218" id="Page_218">[Pg 218]</a></span> +his jaded soul, or through the woods, with +the silence of the forest still upon him. His +path may lie through an old garden, where +marigold and larkspur are thickly interwoven, +and shadowy spikes of mignonette make all +the summer sweet, or through the frosty +darkness, when the earth is dumb with snow +and the midnight stars have set the heavens +ablaze with spires of sapphire light.</p> + +<div class="sidenote">At the +First +Meeting</div> + +<p>Sometimes, at the first meeting The Prince +is known, by that mysterious alchemy which +lies in the depths of the maiden soul and +often, after long waiting, a friend throws off +his disguise and royalty stands revealed. +Sometimes he is the comrade of the far-off +childish years, the schoolmate of a later time, +or someone whose hand has proved a strength +and solace in times of deepest grief.</p> + +<p>"To Love and Understand!" All else +may be forgiven, if he has but these two gifts, +for they are as the crest and royal robe. Bare +and empty his hands may be, but these are +the kingly rights.</p> + +<p>Slowly, and sometimes with a strange fear +which makes her tremble, there steals into +her heart a great peace. With it comes in<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_219" id="Page_219">[Pg 219]</a></span>finite +tenderness and an unspeakable compassion, +not only for him, but for all the world. +Love's laughter changes to questioning too +deep for smiles or tears—the boundless aspiration +of the soul toward all things true.</p> + +<p>Playthings and tinsel are cast away. The +music of the dance dies in lingering, discordant +fragments, and in its place comes the full +tone of an organ and the majestic movement +of a symphony. The web of the daily living +grows beautiful in the new light, for the Hand +that set the pattern has been gently laid upon +her loom.</p> + +<div class="sidenote">Through +all the +Years to +Come</div> + +<p>Through all the years to come, they are to +be together; he and she. There will be no +terror in the wilderness, no sting in poverty +or defeat—hunger and thirst can be forgotten. +Wherever Destiny may point the way, they +are to fare together—he and she.</p> + +<p>Somewhere, in a world whose only shame +is its uncleanliness, they two are to make a +home and keep the little space around them +wholly clean. Somewhere, they two will +show the world that the old ideals are not +lost; that a man and a woman may still live +together in supreme and lasting content.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_220" id="Page_220">[Pg 220]</a></span> +Somewhere, too, they will teach anew the old +lesson, that it is unyielding Honour at the core +of things that keeps them sound and sweet.</p> + +<p>There is nothing in all life so beautiful as +that first dream of Home; a place where +there is balm for the tortured soul, new courage +for the wavering soul, rest for the tired +soul, and stronger trust for the soul caught +in the snares of doubt and disbelief—a place +where one may be wholly and joyfully one's +self, where one's mistakes are never faults, +where pardon ever anticipates the asking, +where love follows swiftly upon understanding +and understanding upon love.</p> + +<div class="sidenote">The +Sceptre of +the King</div> + +<p>"To Love and Understand!" He who +holds the sceptre of the king may rule right +royally. There is solace for the tired traveller +within the cloister of that other heart, and the +pitiful chains which some call marriage would +rust and decay at the entrance to that holy +place.</p> + +<p>The spotless peace within the inner chamber +is his alone. There his motives are never +questioned, nor his words distorted beyond +their meaning, and his daily purposes are ever +read aright.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_221" id="Page_221">[Pg 221]</a></span></p> + +<p>The dream is forever centred upon the +coming of The Prince. Sometimes, with the +grim irony of Fate, he is seen when both are +bound—and there are some who deem a heartache +too great a price to pay for the revelation. +Now and then, after many years, he comes to +claim his own.</p> + +<div class="sidenote">The Grey +Angel and +the Prince</div> + +<p>And sometimes, too, when one has long +waited and prayed for his coming; when +the sight has grown dim with watching and the +frosty rime of winter has softly touched the +dark hair, the Grey Angel takes pity and +closes the tired eyes.</p> + +<p>The lavender and the dead rose-leaves +breathe a hushed fragrance from the heaps +of long-stored linen; the cricket and the tiny +clock keep up their cheery song, because they +do not know their gentle mistress can no +longer hear. The slanting sunbeams of afternoon +mark out a delicate tracery upon the +floor, and the shadow of the rose-geranium +in the window is silhouetted upon the opposite +wall. And then, into the quiet house, +steals something which seems like an infinite +calm.</p> + +<div class="sidenote">The +Exquisite +Peace</div> + +<p>But the dainty little lady who lies fast<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_222" id="Page_222">[Pg 222]</a></span> +asleep, with the sun resting caressingly upon +her, has gained, in that mystical moment, +both understanding and love. For there comes +an exquisite peace upon her—as though she +had found The Prince.</p> + +<p class="center">THE END.</p> + + + + + + + + +<pre> + + + + + +End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of The Spinster Book, by Myrtle Reed + +*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK THE SPINSTER BOOK *** + +***** This file should be named 18071-h.htm or 18071-h.zip ***** +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: + http://www.gutenberg.org/1/8/0/7/18071/ + +Produced by Susan Skinner and the Online Distributed +Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net + + +Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions +will be renamed. + +Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no +one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation +(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without +permission and without paying copyright royalties. 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You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: The Spinster Book + +Author: Myrtle Reed + +Release Date: March 29, 2006 [EBook #18071] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ASCII + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK THE SPINSTER BOOK *** + + + + +Produced by Susan Skinner and the Online Distributed +Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net + + + + + + + +The Spinster Book + +By Myrtle Reed + + +G. P. PUTNAM'S SONS +New York and London +The Knickerbocker Press + +1907 + + * * * * * + +COPYRIGHT, 1901 +BY +MYRTLE REED + + * * * * * + +Set up and electrotyped, September, 1901 + +Reprinted, November, 1901; April, 1902; August, 1902; April, 1903; +July, 1903; September, 1903; June, 1904; October, 1904; June, 1905; +September, 1905; March, 1906; September, 1906; November, 1906; +July, 1907. + + +The Knickerbocker Press, New York + + * * * * * + +BY MYRTLE REED. + + LOVE LETTERS OF A MUSICIAN. + LATER LOVE LETTERS OF A MUSICIAN. + THE SPINSTER BOOK. + LAVENDER AND OLD LACE. + PICKABACK SONGS. + THE SHADOW OF VICTORY. + THE MASTER'S VIOLIN. + THE BOOK OF CLEVER BEASTS. + AT THE SIGN OF THE JACK-O'-LANTERN. + A SPINNER IN THE SUN. + LOVE AFFAIRS OF LITERARY MEN. + + * * * * * + + + + +Contents + + + PAGE + +Notes on Men 3 +Concerning Women 25 +The Philosophy of Love 49 +The Lost Art of Courtship 71 +The Natural History of Proposals 93 +Love Letters: Old and New 115 +An Inquiry into Marriage 137 +The Physiology of Vanity 161 +Widowers and Widows 183 +The Consolations of Spinsterhood 205 + + + + +Notes on Men + +[Illustration] + + + + +Notes on Men + +[Sidenote: "The Proper Study"] + + +If "the proper study of mankind is man," it is also the chief delight of +woman. It is not surprising that men are conceited, since the thought of +the entire population is centred upon them. + +Women are wont to consider man in general as a simple creation. It is +not until the individual comes into the field of the feminine telescope, +and his peculiarities are thrown into high relief, that he is seen and +judged at his true value. + +When a girl once turns her attention from the species to the individual, +her parlour becomes a sort of psychological laboratory in which she +conducts various experiments; not, however, without the loss of friends. +For men are impatient of the spirit of inquiry in woman. + +[Sidenote: The Phenomena of Affection] + +How shall a girl acquire her knowledge of the phenomena of affection, if +men are not willing to be questioned upon the subject? What is more +natural than to seek wisdom from the man a girl has just refused to +marry? Why should she not ask if he has ever loved before, how long he +has loved her, if he were not surprised when he found it out, and how he +feels in her presence? + +Yet a sensitive spinster is repeatedly astonished at finding her lover +transformed into a fiend, without other provocation than this. He +accuses her of being "a heartless coquette," of having "led him +on,"--whatever that may mean,--and he does not care to have her for his +sister, or even for his friend. + +[Sidenote: Original Research] + +Occasionally a charitable man will open his heart for the benefit of the +patient student. If he is of a scientific turn of mind, with a fondness +for original research, he may even take a melancholy pleasure in the +analysis. + +Thus she learns that he thought he had loved, until he cared for her, +but in the light of the new passion he sees clearly that the others were +mere, idle flirtations. To her surprise, she also discovers that he has +loved her a long time but has never dared to speak of it before, and +that this feeling, compared with the others, is as wine unto water. In +her presence he is uplifted, exalted, and often afraid, for very love of +her. + +Next to a proposal, the most interesting thing in the world to a woman +is this kind of analysis. If a man is clever at it, he may change a +decided refusal to a timid promise to "think about it." The man who +hesitates may be lost, but the woman who hesitates is surely won. + +In the beginning, the student is often perplexed by the magnitude of the +task which lies before her. Later, she comes to know that men, like +cats, need only to be stroked in the right direction. The problem thus +becomes a question of direction, which is seldom as simple as it looks. + +[Sidenote: The Personal Equation] + +Yet men, as a class, are easier to understand than women, because they +are less emotional. It is emotion which complicates the personal +equation with radicals and quadratics, and life which proceeds upon +predestined lines soon becomes monotonous and loses its charm. The +involved _x_ in the equation continually postpones the definite result, +which may often be surmised, but never achieved. + +Still, there is little doubt as to the proper method, for some of the +radicals must necessarily appear in the result. Man's conceit is his +social foundation and when the vulnerable spot is once found in the +armour of Achilles, the overthrow of the strenuous Greek is near at +hand. + +There is nothing in the world as harmless and as utterly joyous as man's +conceit. The woman who will not pander to it is ungracious indeed. + +Man's interest in himself is purely altruistic and springs from an +unselfish desire to please. He values physical symmetry because one's +first impression of him is apt to be favourable. Manly accomplishments +and evidences of good breeding are desirable for the same reason, and he +likes to think his way of doing things is the best, regardless of actual +effectiveness. + +[Sidenote: Pencils] + +For instance, there seems to be no good reason why a man's way of +sharpening a pencil is any better than a woman's. It is difficult to see +just why it is advisable to cover the thumb with powdered graphite, and +expose that useful member to possible amputation by a knife directed +uncompromisingly toward it, when the pencil might be pointed the other +way, the risk of amputation avoided, and the shavings and pulverised +graphite left safely to the action of gravitation and centrifugal force. +Yet the entire race of men refuse to see the true value of the feminine +method, and, indeed, any man would rather sharpen any woman's pencil +than see her do it herself. + +[Sidenote: The "Supreme Conceit"] + +It pleases a man very much to be told that he "knows the world," even +though his acquaintance be limited to the flesh and the devil--a +gentleman, by the way, who is much misunderstood and whose faults are +persistently exaggerated. But man's supreme conceit is in regard to his +personal appearance. Let a single entry in a laboratory note-book +suffice for proof. + +_Time, evening. MAN is reading a story in a current magazine to the GIRL +he is calling upon._ + +MAN. "Are you interested in this?" + +GIRL. "Certainly, but I can think of other things too, can't I?" + +MAN. "That depends on the 'other things.' What are they?" + +GIRL. (_Calmly._) "I was just thinking that you are an extremely +handsome man, but of course you know that." + +MAN. (_Crimsoning to his temples._) "You flatter me!" (_Resumes +reading._) + +Girl. (_Awaits developments._) + +MAN. (_After a little._) "I didn't know you thought I was good-looking." + +GIRL. (_Demurely._) "Didn't you?" + +MAN. (_Clears his throat and continues the story._) + +MAN. (_After a few minutes._) "Did you ever hear anybody else say that?" + +GIRL. "Say what?" + +MAN. "Why, that I was--that I was--well, good-looking, you know?" + +GIRL. "Oh, yes! Lots of people!" + +MAN. (_After reading half a page._) "I don't think this is so very +interesting, do you?" + +GIRL. "No, it isn't. It doesn't carry out the promise of its beginning." + +MAN. (_Closes magazine and wanders aimlessly toward the mirror in the +mantel._) + +MAN. "Which way do you like my hair; this way, or parted in the middle?" + +GIRL. "I don't know--this way, I guess. I've never seen it parted in the +middle." + +MAN. (_Taking out pocket comb and rapidly parting his hair in the +middle._) "There! Which way do you like it?" + +GIRL. (_Judicially._) "I don't know. It's really a very hard question to +decide." + +MAN. (_Reminiscently._) "I've gone off my looks a good deal lately. I +used to be a lot better looking than I am now." + +GIRL. (_Softly._) "I'm glad I didn't know you then." + +MAN. (_In apparent astonishment._) "Why?" + +GIRL. "Because I might not have been heart whole, as I am now." + +(_Long silence._) + +MAN. (_With sudden enthusiasm._) "I'll tell you, though, I really do +look well in evening dress." + +GIRL. "I haven't a doubt of it, even though I've never seen you wear +it." + +MAN. (_After brief meditation._) "Let's go and hear Melba next week, +will you? I meant to ask you when I first came in, but we got to +reading." + +GIRL. "I shall be charmed." + +_Next day, GIRL gets a box of chocolates and a dozen American +Beauties--in February at that._ + +[Sidenote: Dimples and Dress Clothes] + +Tell a man he has a dimple and he will say "where?" in pleased surprise, +meanwhile putting his finger straight into it. He has studied that +dimple in the mirror too many times to be unmindful of its geography. + +Let the woman dearest to a man say, tenderly: "You were so handsome +to-night, dear--I was proud of you." See his face light up with noble, +unselfish joy, because he has given such pleasure to others! + +All the married men at evening receptions have gone because they "look +so well in evening dress," and because "so few men can wear dress +clothes really well." In truth, it does require distinction and grace of +bearing, if a man would not be mistaken for a waiter. + +Man's conceit is not love of himself but of his fellow-men. The man who +is in love with himself need not fear that any woman will ever become a +serious rival. Not unfrequently, when a man asks a woman to marry him, +he means that he wants her to help him love himself, and if, blinded by +her own feeling, she takes him for her captain, her pleasure craft +becomes a pirate ship, the colours change to a black flag with a +sinister sign, and her inevitable destiny is the coral reef. + +[Sidenote: Palmistry] + +Palmistry does very well for a beginning if a man is inclined to be shy. +It leads by gentle and almost imperceptible degrees to that most +interesting of all subjects, himself, and to that tactful comment, +dearest of all to the masculine heart; "You are not like other men!" + +A man will spend an entire evening, utterly oblivious of the lapse of +time, while a woman subjects him to careful analysis. But sympathy, +rather than sarcasm, must be her guide--if she wants him to come again. +A man will make a comrade of the woman who stimulates him to higher +achievement, but he will love the one who makes herself a mirror for his +conceit. + +Men claim that women cannot keep a secret, but it is a common failing. A +man will always tell some one person the thing which is told him in +confidence. If he is married, he tells his wife. Then the exclusive bit +of news is rapidly syndicated, and by gentle degrees, the secret is +diffused through the community. This is the most pathetic thing in +matrimony--the regularity with which husbands relate the irregularities +of their friends. Very little of the world's woe is caused by silence, +however it may be in fiction and the drama. + +[Sidenote: Exchange of Confidence] + +In return for the generous confidence regarding other people's doings, +the married man is made conversant with those things which his wife +deems it right and proper for him to know. And he is not unhappy, for it +isn't what he doesn't know that troubles a man, but what he knows he +doesn't know. + +The masculine nature is less capable of concealment than the feminine. +Where men are frankly selfish, women are secretly so. Man's vices are +few and comprehensive; woman's petty and innumerable. Any man who is not +in the penitentiary has at most but three or four, while a woman will +hide a dozen under her social mask and defy detection. + +Women are said to be fickle, but are they more so than men? A man's +ideal is as variable as the wind. What he thinks is his ideal of woman +is usually a glorified image of the last girl he happened to admire. The +man who has had a decided preference for blondes all his life, finally +installs a brown-eyed deity at his hearthstone. If he has been fond of +petite and coquettish damsels, he marries some Diana moulded on large +lines and unconcerned as to mice. + +A man will ride, row, and swim with one girl and marry another who is +afraid of horses, turns pale at the mention of a boat, and who would +look forward to an interview with His Satanic Majesty with more ease and +confidence than to a dip in the summer sea. + +[Sidenote: Portia and Carmen] + +Theoretically, men admire "reasonable women," with the uncommon quality +which is called "common sense," but it is the woman of caprice, the +sweet, illogical despot of a thousand moods, who is most often and most +tenderly loved. Man is by nature a discoverer. It is not beauty which +holds him, but rather mystery and charm. To see the one woman through +all the changing moods--to discern Portia through Carmen's witchery--is +the thing above all others which captivates a man. + +[Sidenote: The Dorcas Ideal] + +Deep in his heart, man cherishes the Dorcas ideal. The old, lingering +notions of womanliness are not quite dispelled, but in this, as in +other things, nothing sickens a man of his pet theory like seeing it in +operation. + +It may be a charming sight to behold a girl stirring cheese in the +chafing-dish, wearing an air of deep concern when it "bunnies" at the +sides and requires still more skill. It may also be attractive to see +white fingers weave wonders with fine linen and delicate silks, with +pretty eagerness as to shade and stitch. + +But in the after-years, when his divinity, redolent of the kitchen, +meets him at the door, with hair dishevelled and fingers bandaged, it is +subtly different from the chafing-dish days, and the crisp chops, +generously black with charcoal, are not as good as her rarebits used to +be. The memory of the silk and fine linen also fades somewhat, in the +presence of darning which contains hard lumps and patches which +immediately come off. + +It has become the fashion to speak of woman as the eager hunter, and man +as the timid, reluctant prey. The comic papers may have started it, but +modern society certainly lends colour to the pretty theory. It is +frequently attributed to Mr. Darwin, but he is at times unjustly blamed +by those who do not read his pleasing works. + +The complexities in man's personal equation are caused by variants of +three emotions; a mutable fondness for women, according to temperament +and opportunity, a more uniform feeling toward money, and the universal, +devastating desire--the old, old passion for food. + +[Sidenote: The Key of Happiness] + +The first variant is but partially under the control of any particular +woman, and the less she concerns herself with the second, the better it +is for both, but she who stimulates and satisfies the third variant +holds in her hands the golden key of happiness. No woman need envy the +Sphinx her wisdom if she has learned the uses of silence and never asks +a favour of a hungry man. + +A woman makes her chief mistake when she judges a man by herself and +attributes to him indirection and complexity of motive. When she wishes +to attract a particular man, she goes at it indirectly. She makes +friends of "his sisters, his cousins, and his aunts," and assumes an +interest in his chum. She ignores him at first and thus arouses his +curiosity. Later, she condescends to smile upon him and he is mildly +pleased, because he thinks he has been working for that very smile and +has finally won it. In this manner he is lured toward the net. + +[Sidenote: The Wise Virgin] + +When a girl systematically and effectively feeds a man, she is leading +trumps. He insensibly associates her with his comfort and thus she +becomes his necessity. When a man seeks a woman's society it is because +he has need of her, not because he thinks she has need of him; and the +parlour of the girl who realises it, is the envy of every unattached +damsel on the street. If the wise one is an expert with the +chafing-dish, she may frequently bag desirable game, while the foolish +virgins who have no alcohol in their lamps are hunting eagerly for the +trail. + +Because she herself works indirectly, she thinks he intends a tender +look at another girl for a carom shot, and frequently a far-sighted +maiden can see the evidences of a consuming passion for herself in a +man's devotion to someone else. + +Men are not sufficiently diplomatic to bother with finesse of this kind. +Other things being equal, a man goes to see the girl he wants to see. +It does not often occur to her that he may not want to see her, may be +interested in someone else, or that he may have forgotten all about her. + +[Sidenote: "Encouragement"] + +There is a common feminine delusion to the effect that men need +"encouragement" and there is no term which is more misused. A fool may +need "encouragement," but the man who wants a girl will go after her, +regardless of obstacles. As for him, if he is fed at her house, even +irregularly, he may know that she looks with favour upon his suit. + +[Sidenote: "Platonic Friendship"] + +The parents of both, the neighbours, and even the girl herself, usually +know that a man is in love before he finds it out. Sometimes he has to +be told. He has approached a stage of acute and immediate peril when he +recognises what he calls "a platonic friendship." + +Young men believe platonic friendship possible; old men know better--but +when one man learns to profit by the experience of another, we may look +for mosquitoes at Christmas and holly in June. + +There is an exquisite danger attached to friendships of this kind, and +is it not danger, rather than variety, which is "the spice of life?" +Relieved of the presence of that social pace-maker, the chaperone, the +disciples of Plato are wont to take long walks, and further on, they +spend whole days in the country with book and wheel. + +A book is a mysterious bond of union, and by their taste in books do a +man and woman unerringly know each other. Two people who unite in +admiration of Browning are apt to admire each other, and those who +habitually seek Emerson for new courage may easily find the world more +kindly if they face it hand in hand. + +A latter-day philosopher has remarked upon the subtle sympathy produced +by marked passages. "The method is so easy and so unsuspect. You have +only to put faint pencil marks against the tenderest passages in your +favourite new poet, and lend the volume to Her, and She has only to +leave here and there the dropped violet of a timid, confirmatory +initial, for you to know your fate." + +[Sidenote: The High-Priest] + +A man never has a platonic friendship with a woman it is impossible for +him to love. Cupid is the high-priest at these rites of reading aloud +and discussing everything under the sun. The two become so closely bound +that one arrow strikes both, and often the happiest marriages are those +whose love has so begun, for when the Great Passion dies, as it +sometimes does, sympathy and mutual understanding may yield a generous +measure of content. + +The present happy era of fiction closes a story abruptly at the altar or +else begins it immediately after the ceremony. Thence the enthralled +reader is conducted through rapture, doubt, misunderstanding, +indifference, complications, recrimination, and estrangement to the +logical end in cynicism and the divorce court. + +In the books which women write, the hero of the story shoulders the +blame, and often has to bear his creator's vituperation in addition to +his other troubles. When a man essays this theme in fiction, he shows +clearly that it is the woman's fault. When the situation is presented +outside of books, the happily married critics distribute condemnation in +the same way, it being customary for each partner in a happy marriage to +claim the entire credit for the mutual content. + +[Sidenote: Pursuit and Possession] + +Over the afternoon tea cups it has been decided with unusual and +refreshing accord, that "it is pursuit and not possession with a man." +True--but is it less true with women? + +When Her Ladyship finally acquires the sealskin coat on which she has +long set her heart, does she continue to scan the advertisements? Does +she still coddle him who hath all power as to sealskin coats, with +tempting dishes and unusual smiles? Not unless she wants something else. + +Still, it is woman's tendency to make the best of what she has, and +man's to reach out for what he has not. Man spends his life in the +effort to realise the ideals which, like will-o'-the-wisps, hover just +beyond him. Woman, on the contrary, brings into her life what grace she +may, by idealising her reals. + +In her secret heart, woman holds her unchanging ideal of her own +possible perfection. Sometimes a man suspects this, and loves her all +the more for the sweet guardian angel which is thus enthroned. Other +men, less fine, consider an ideal a sort of disease--and they are +usually a certain specific. + +But, after all, men are as women make them. Cleopatra and Helen of Troy +swayed empires and rocked thrones. There is no woman who does not hold +within her little hands some man's achievement, some man's future, and +his belief in woman and God. + +She may fire him with high ambition, exalt him with noble striving, or +make him a coward and a thief. She may show him the way to the gold of +the world, or blind him with tinsel which he may not keep. It is she who +leads him to the door of glory and so thrills him with majestic purpose, +that nothing this side Heaven seems beyond his eager reach. + +[Sidenote: The Potter's Hand] + +Upon his heart she may write ecstasy or black despair. Through the long +night she may ever beckon, whispering courage, and by her magic making +victory of defeat. It is for her to say whether his face shall be +world-scarred and weary, hiding tragedy behind its piteous lines; +whether there shall be light or darkness in his soul. He cannot escape +those soft, compelling fingers; she is the arbiter of his destiny--for +like clay in the potter's hands, she moulds him as she will. + + + + +Concerning Women + +[Illustration] + + + + +Concerning Women + + +In order to be happy, a woman needs only a good digestion, a +satisfactory complexion, and a lover. The first requirement being met, +the second is not difficult to obtain, and the third follows as a matter +of course. + +[Sidenote: Nagging] + +He was a wise philosopher who first considered crime as disease, for +women are naturally sweet-tempered and charming. The shrew and the scold +are to be reformed only by a physician, and as for nagging, is it not +allopathic scolding in homeopathic doses? + +A well woman is usually a happy one, and incidentally, those around her +share her content. The irritation produced by fifteen minutes of nagging +speaks volumes for the personal influence which might be directed the +other way, and the desired result more easily obtained. + +[Sidenote: Diversions] + +The sun around which woman revolves is Love. Her whole life is spent in +search of it, consciously or unconsciously. Incidental diversions in +the way of "career" and "independence" are usually caused by domestic +unhappiness, or, in the case of spinsters, the fear of it. + +If all men were lovers, there would be no "new woman" movement, no +sociological studies of "Woman in Business," no ponderous analyses of +"The Industrial Condition of Women" in weighty journals. Still more than +a man, a woman needs a home, though it be but the tiniest room. + +Even the self-reliant woman of affairs who battles bravely by day in the +commercial arena has her little nook, made dainty by feminine touches, +to which she gladly creeps at night. Would it not be sweeter if it were +shared by one who would always love her? As truly as she needs her bread +and meat, woman needs love, and, did he but know it, man needs it too, +though in lesser degree. + +[Sidenote: The Verity and the Vision] + +Lacking the daily expression of it which is the sweet unction of her +hungry soul, she seeks solace in an ideal world of her own making. It is +because the verity jars upon her vision that she takes a melancholy view +of life. + +One of woman's keenest pleasures is sorrow. Her tears are not all pain. +She goes to the theatre, not to laugh, but to weep. The clever +playwright who closes his last scene with a bitter parting is sure of a +large clientage, composed almost wholly of women. Sad books are written +by men, with an eye to women readers, and women dearly love to wear the +willow in print. + +Women are unconscious queens of tragedy. Each one, in thought, plays to +a sympathetic but invisible audience. She lifts her daily living to a +plane of art, finding in fiction, music, pictures, and the stage +continual reminders of her own experience. + +Does her husband, distraught with business cares, leave her hurriedly +and without the customary morning kiss? Woman, on her way to market, +rapidly reviews similar instances in fiction, in which this first +forgetting proved to be "the little rift within the lute." + +The pictures of distracted ladies, wild as to hair and vision, are sold +in photogravure by countless thousands--to women. An attraction on the +boards which is rumoured to be "so sad," leads woman to economise in +the matter of roasts and desserts that she may go and enjoy an +afternoon of misery. Girls suffer all their lives long from being taken +to mirthful plays, or to vaudeville, which is unmixed delight to a man +and intolerably cheerful to a woman. + +[Sidenote: Woman and Death] + +Woman and Death are close friends in art. Opera is her greatest joy, +because a great many people are slaughtered in the course of a single +performance, and somebody usually goes raving mad for love. When Melba +sings the mad scene from _Lucia_, and that beautiful voice descends by +lingering half-notes from madness and nameless longing to love and +prayer, the women in the house sob in sheer delight and clutch the hands +of their companions in an ecstasy of pain. + +In proportion as women enjoy sorrow, men shrink from it. A man cannot +bear to be continually reminded of the woman he has loved and lost, +while woman's dearest keepsakes are old love letters and the shoes of a +little child. If the lover or the child is dead, the treasures are never +to be duplicated or replaced, but if the pristine owner of the shoes has +grown to stalwart manhood and the writer of the love letters is a +tender and devoted husband, the sorrowful interest is merely mitigated. +It is not by any means lost. + +[Sidenote: "The Eternal Womanly"] + +Just why it should be considered sad to marry one's lover and for a +child to grow up, can never be understood by men. There are many things +in the "eternal womanly" which men understand about as well as a kitten +does the binomial theorem, but some mysteries become simple enough when +the leading fact is grasped--that woman's song of life is written in a +minor key and that she actually enjoys the semblance of sorrow. Still, +the average woman wishes to be idealised and strongly objects to being +understood. + +[Sidenote: "Tears, Idle Tears"] + +Woman's tears mean no more than the sparks from an overcharged dynamo; +they are simply emotional relief. Married men gradually come to realise +it, and this is why a suspicion of tears in his sweetheart's eyes means +infinitely more to a lover than a fit of hysterics does to a husband. + +We are wont to speak of woman's tenderness, but there is no tenderness +like that of a man for the woman he loves when she is tired or +troubled, and the man who has learned simply to love a woman at crucial +moments, and to postpone the inevitable idiotic questioning till a more +auspicious time, has in his hands the talisman of domestic felicity. + +If by any chance the lachrymal glands were to be dried up, woman's life +would lose a goodly share of its charm. There is nothing to cry on which +compares with a man's shoulder; almost any man will do at a critical +moment; but the clavicle of a lover is by far the most desirable. If the +flood is copious and a collar or an immaculate shirt-front can be +spoiled, the scene acquires new and distinct value. A pillow does very +well, lacking the shoulder, for many of the most attractive women in +fiction habitually cry into pillows--because they have no lover, or +because the brute dislikes tears. + +When grief strikes deep, a woman's eyes are dry. Her soul shudders and +there is a hand upon her heart whose icy fingers clutch at the inward +fibre in a very real physical pain. There are no tears for times like +these; the inner depths, bare and quivering, are healed by no such balm +as this. + +A sudden blow leaves a woman as cold as a marble statue and absolutely +dumb as to the thing which lies upon her heart. When the tears begin to +flow, it means that resignation and content will surely come. On the +contrary, when once or twice in a lifetime a man is moved to tears, +there is nothing so terrible and so hopeless as his sobbing grief. + +Married and unmarried women waste a great deal of time in feeling sorry +for each other. It never occurs to a married woman that a spinster may +not care to take the troublous step. An ideal lover in one's heart is +less strain upon the imagination than the transfiguration of a man who +goes around in his shirt-sleeves and dispenses with his collar at ninety +degrees Fahrenheit. + +[Sidenote: The Unknown Country] + +If fiction dealt pleasantly with men who are unmindful of small +courtesies, the unknown country beyond the altar would lose some of its +fear. If the way of an engaged girl lies past a barber shop,--which very +seldom has a curtain, by the way,--and she happens to think that she may +some day behold her beloved in the dangerous act of shaving himself, it +immediately hardens her heart. One glimpse of one face covered with +lather will postpone one wedding-day five weeks. Many a lover has +attributed to caprice or coquetry the fault which lies at the door of +the "tonsorial parlour." + +[Sidenote: Other Feminine Eyes] + +A woman may be a mystery to a man and to herself, but never to another +woman. There is no concealment which is effectual when other feminine +eyes are fixed upon one's small and harmless schemes. A glance at a +girl's dressing-table is sufficient for the intimate friend--she does +not need to ask questions; and indeed, there are few situations in life +in which the necessity for direct questions is not a confession of +individual weakness. + +If fourteen different kinds of creams and emollients are within easy +reach, the girl has an admirer who is fond of out-door sports and has +not yet declared himself. If the curling iron is kept hot, it is because +he has looked approval when her hair was waved. If there is a box of +rouge but half concealed, the girl thinks the man is a fatuous idiot and +hourly expects a proposal. + +If the various drugs are in the dental line, the man is a cheerful soul +with a tendency to be humorous. If she is particular as to small +details of scolding locks and eyebrows, he probably wears glasses. If +she devotes unusual attention to her nails, the affair has progressed to +that interesting stage where he may hold her hand for a few minutes at a +time. + +If she selects her handkerchief with extreme care,--one with an initial +and a faint odour of violet--she expects to give it to him to carry and +to forget to ask for it. If he makes an extra call in order to return +it, it indicates a lesser degree of interest than if he says nothing +about it. The forgotten handkerchief is an important straw with a girl +when love's capricious wind blows her way. + +It is not entirely without reason that womankind in general blames "the +other woman" for defection of any kind. Short-sighted woman thinks it a +mighty tribute to her own charm to secure the passing interest of +another's rightful property. It does not seem to occur to her that +someone else will lure him away from her with even more ease. Each +successive luring makes defection simpler for a man. Practice tends +towards perfection in most things; perhaps it is the single exception, +love, which proves the rule. + +Three delusions among women are widespread and painful. Marriage is +currently supposed to reform a man, a rejected lover is heartbroken for +life, and, if "the other woman" were only out of the way, he would come +back. Love sometimes reforms a man, but marriage does not. The rejected +lover suffers for a brief period,--feminine philosophers variously +estimate it, but a week is a generous average,--and he who will not come +in spite of "the other woman" is not worth having at all. + +[Sidenote: "Not Things, but Men"] + +Emerson says: "The things which are really for thee gravitate to thee." +One is tempted to add the World's Congress motto--"Not things, but men." + +There is no virtue in women which men cultivate so assiduously as +forgiveness. They make one think that it is very pretty and charming to +forgive. It is not hygienic, however, for the woman who forgives easily +has a great deal of it to do. When pardon is to be had for the asking, +there are frequent causes for its giving. This, of course, applies to +the interesting period before marriage. + +[Sidenote: Post-Nuptial Sins] + +Post-nuptial sins are atoned for with gifts; not more than once in a +whole marriage with the simple, manly words, "Forgive me, dear, I was +wrong." It injures a man's conceit vitally to admit he has made a +mistake. This is gracious and knightly in the lover, but a married man, +the head of a family, must be careful to maintain his position. + +Cases of reformation by marriage are few and far between, and men more +often die of wounded conceit than broken hearts. "Men have died and +worms have eaten them, but not for love," save on the stage and in the +stories women cry over. + +[Sidenote: "The Other Woman"] + +"The other woman" is the chief bugbear of life. On desert islands and in +a very few delightful books, her baneful presence is not. The girl a man +loves with all his heart can see a long line of ghostly ancestors, and +requires no opera-glass to discern through the mists of the future a +procession of possible posterity. It is for this reason that men's ears +are tried with the eternal, unchanging: "Am I the only woman you ever +loved?" and "Will you always love me?" + +The woman who finally acquires legal possession of a man is haunted by +the shadowy predecessors. If he is unwary enough to let her know another +girl has refused him, she develops a violent hatred for this inoffensive +maiden. Is it because the cruel creature has given pain to her lord? His +gods are not her gods--if he has adored another woman. + +These two are mutually "other women," and the second one has the best of +it, for there is no thorn in feminine flesh like the rejected lover who +finds consolation elsewhere. It may be exceedingly pleasant to be a +man's first love, but she is wise beyond books who chooses to be his +last, and it is foolish to spend mental effort upon old flames, rather +than in watching for new ones, for Caesar himself is not more utterly +dead than a man's dead love. + +Women are commonly supposed to worry about their age, but Father Time is +a trouble to men also. The girl of twenty thinks it absurd for women to +be concerned about the matter, but the hour eventually comes when she +regards the subject with reverence akin to awe. There is only one terror +in it--the dreadful nines. + +[Sidenote: Scylla and Charybdis] + +"Twenty-nine!" Might she not as well be thirty? There is little choice +between Scylla and Charybdis. Twenty-nine is the hour of reckoning for +every woman, married, engaged, or unattached. + +The married woman felicitates herself greatly, unless a tall daughter of +nine or ten walks abroad at her side. The engaged girl is safe--she +rejoices in the last hours of her lingering girlhood and hems table +linen with more resignation. The unattached girl has a strange interest +in creams and hair tonics, and usually betakes herself to the cloister +of the university for special courses, since azure hosiery does not +detract from woman's charm in the eyes of the faculty. + +Men do not often know their ages accurately till after thirty. The +gladsome heyday of youth takes no note of the annual milestones. But +after thirty, ah me! "Yes," a man will say sometimes, "I am thirty-one, +but the fellows tell me I don't look a day over twenty-nine." Scylla and +Charybdis again! + +[Sidenote: Perennial Youth] + +Still, age is not a matter of birthdays, but of the heart. Some women +are mature cynics at twenty, while a grey-haired matron of fifty seems +to have found the secret of perennial youth. There is little to choose, +as regards beauty and charm, between the young, unformed girl, whose +soft eyes look with longing into the unyielding future which gives her +no hint of its purposes, and the mature woman, well-groomed, +self-reliant to her finger-tips, who has drunk deeply of life's cup and +found it sweet. A woman is never old until the little finger of her +glove is allowed to project beyond the finger itself and she orders her +new photographs from an old plate in preference to sitting again. + +In all the seven ages of man, there is someone whom she may attract. If +she is twenty-five, the boy who has just attained long trousers will not +buy her striped sticks of peppermint and ask shyly if he may carry her +books. She is not apt to wear fraternity pins and decorate her rooms in +college colours, unless her lover still holds his alma mater in fond +remembrance. But there are others, always the others--and is it less +sweet to inspire the love which lasts than the tender verses of a +Sophomore? Her field of action is not sensibly limited, for at twenty +men love woman, at thirty a woman, and at forty, women. + +[Sidenote: Three Weapons] + +Woman has three weapons--flattery, food, and flirtation, and only the +last of these is ever denied her by Time. With the first she appeals to +man's conceit, with the second to his heart, which is suspected to lie +at the end of the oesophagus, rather than over among lungs and ribs, and +with the third to his natural rivalry of his fellows. But the pleasures +of the chase grow beautifully less when age brings rheumatism and +kindred ills. + +Besides, may she not always be a chaperone? When a political orator +refers effectively to "the cancer which is eating at the heart of the +body politic," someway, it always makes a girl think of a chaperone. She +goes, ostensibly, to lend a decorous air to whatever proceedings may be +in view. She is to keep the man from making love to the girl. Whispers +and tender hand clasps are occasionally possible, however, for, tell it +not in Gath! the chaperone was once young herself and at times looks the +other way. + +That is, unless she is the girl's mother. Trust a parent for keeping two +eyes and a pair of glasses on a girl! Trust the non-matchmaking mother +for four new eyes under her back hair and a double row of ears arranged +laterally along her anxious spine! And yet, if the estimable lady had +not been married herself, it is altogether likely that the girl would +never have thought of it. + +[Sidenote: The Chaperone] + +The reason usually given for chaperonage is that it gives the girl a +chance to become acquainted with the man. Of course, in the presence of +a chaperone, a man says and does exactly the same things he would if he +were alone with the maiden of his choice. He does not mind making love +to a girl in her mother's presence. He does not even care to be alone +with her when he proposes to her. He would like to have some chaperone +read his letters--he always writes with this intention. At any time +during the latter part of the month it fills him with delight to see the +chaperone order a lobster after they have all had oysters. + +Nonsense! Why do not the leaders of society say, frankly: "This +chaperone business is just a little game. Our husbands are either at +the club or soundly asleep at home. It is not nice to go around alone, +and it is pathetic to go in pairs, with no man. We will go with our +daughters and their young friends, for they have cavaliers enough and to +spare. Let us get out and see the world, lest we die of ennui and +neglect!" It is the chaperone who really goes with the young man. She +takes the girl along to escape gossip. + +[Sidenote: Behold his House!] + +It is strange, when it is woman's avowed object to make man happy, that +she insists upon doing it in her own way, rather than in his. He likes +the rich, warm colours; the deep reds and dark greens. Behold his house! + +Renaissance curtains obscure the landscape with delicate tracery, and he +realises what it might mean to wear a veil. Soft tones of rose and Nile +green appear in his drawing-room. Chippendale chairs, upon which he +fears to sit, invite the jaded soul to whatever repose it can get. See +the sofa cushions, which he has learned by bitter experience never to +touch! Does he rouse a quiescent Nemesis by laying his weary head upon +that elaborate embroidery? Not unless his memory is poor. + +[Sidenote: Home Comforts] + +Take careful note of the bric-a-brac upon his library table. See the few +square inches of blotting paper on a cylinder which he can roll over his +letter--the three stamps stuck together more closely than brothers, +generously set aside for his use. Does he find comfort here? Not very +much of it. + +See the dainty dinner which is set before the hungry man. A cup of +rarest china holds four ounces of clear broth. A stick of bread or two +crackers are allotted to him. Then he may have two croquettes, or one +small chop, when his soul is athirst for rare roast beef and steak an +inch thick. Then a nice salad, made of three lettuce leaves and a +suspicion of oil, another cracker and a cubic inch of cheese, an ounce +of coffee in a miniature cup, and behold, the man is fed! + +Why should he go to his club, call loudly for flesh-pots, sink into a +chair he is not afraid of breaking, and forget his trouble in the +evening paper, while his wife is at home, alone, or having a Roman +holiday as a chaperone? + +It is a simple thing to acquire a lover, but it is a fine art to keep +him. Clubs were originally intended for the homeless, as distinguished +from the unmarried. The rare woman who rests and soothes a man when he +is tired has no rival in the club. Misunderstanding, sorrowful, yearning +for what she has lost, woman contemplates the wreck of her girlish +dream. + +[Sidenote: The Heart of a Woman] + +There are three things man is destined never to solve--perpetual motion, +the square of the circle, and the heart of a woman. Yet he may go a +little way into the labyrinth with the thread of love, which his Ariadne +will gladly give him at the door. + +The dim chambers are fragrant with precious things, for through the +winding passages Memory has strewn rue and lavender, love and longing; +sweet spikenard and instinctive belief. Some day, when the heart aches, +she will brew content from these. + +There are barriers which he may not pass, secret treasures that he may +not see, dreams that he may not guess. There are dark corners where +there has been torture, of which he will never know. There are shadows +and ghostly shapes which Penelope has hidden with the fairest fabrics of +her loom. There are doors, tightly locked, which he has no key to open; +rooms which have contained costly vessels, empty and deep with dust. + +There is no other step than his, for he walks there alone; sometimes to +the music of dead days and sometimes to the laughter of a little child. +The petals of crushed roses rustle at his feet--his roses--in the inmost +places of her heart. And beyond, of spotless marble, with the infinite +calm of mountains and perpetual snow, is something which he seldom +comprehends--her love of her own whiteness. + +It is a wondrous thing. For it is so small he could hold it in the +hollow of his hand, yet it is great enough to shelter him forever. All +the world may not break it if his love is steadfast and unchanging, and +loving him, it becomes deep enough to love and pity all the world. + +It is a tender thing. So often is it wounded that it cannot see another +suffer, and its own pain is easier far to bear. It makes a shield of its +very tenderness, gladly receiving the stabs that were meant for him, +forgiving always, and forgetting when it may. + +[Sidenote: The Solace] + +Yet, after all, it is a simple thing. For in times of deepest doubt and +trouble, it requires for its solace only the tender look, the whispered +word which brings new courage, and the old-time grace of the lover's +way. + + + + +The Philosophy of Love + +[Illustration] + + + + +The Philosophy of Love + + +[Sidenote: The Prevailing Theme] + +A modern novelist has greatly lamented because the prevailing theme of +fiction is love. Every story is a love story, every romance finds its +inspiration in the heart, and even the musty tomes of history are beset +by the little blind god. + +One or two men have dared to write books from which women have been +excluded as rigorously as from the Chinese stage, but the world of +readers has not loudly clamoured for more of the same sort. A story of +adventure loses none of its interest if there is some fair damsel to be +rescued from various thrilling situations. + +The realists contend that a single isolated fact should not be dwelt +upon to the exclusion of all other interests, that love plays but a +small part in the life of the average man or woman, and that it is +unreasonable to expand it to the uttermost limits of art. + +Strangely enough, the realists are all men. If a woman ventures to write +a book which may fitly be classed under the head of realism, the critics +charitably unite upon insanity as the cause of it and lament the lost +womanliness of a decadent generation. + +If realism were actually real, we should have no time for books and +pictures. Our days and nights would be spent in reclaiming the people in +the slums. There would be a visible increase in the church fair--where +we spend more than we can afford for things we do not want, in order to +please people whom we do not like, and to help heathen who are happier +than we are. + +[Sidenote: The Root of all Good] + +The love of money is said to be the root of all evil, but love itself is +the root of all good, for it is the very foundation of the social +structure. The universal race for the elusive shilling, which is +commonly considered selfish, is based upon love. + +Money will buy fine houses, but who would wish to live in a mansion +alone! Fast horses, yachts, private cars, and the feasts of Lucullus, +are not to be enjoyed in solitude; they must be shared. Buying jewels +and costly raiment is the purest philanthropy, for it gives pleasure to +others. Sapphires and real lace depreciate rapidly in the cloister or +the desert. + +The envy which luxury sometimes creates is also altruistic in character, +for in its last analysis, it is the wish to give pleasure to others, in +the same degree, as the envied fortunately may. Nothing is happiness +which is not shared by at least one other, and nothing is truly sorrow +unless it is borne absolutely alone. + +[Sidenote: Love] + +Love! The delight and the torment of the world! The despair of +philosophers and sages, the rapture of poets, the confusion of cynics, +and the warrior's defeat! + +Love! The bread and the wine of life, the hunger and the thirst, the +hurt and the healing, the only wound which is cured by another! The +guest who comes like a thief in the night! The eternal question which is +its own answer, the thing which has no beginning and no end! + +The very blindness of it is divine, for it sees no imperfections, takes +no reck of faults, and concerns itself only with the hidden beauty of +the soul. + +It is unselfishness--yet it tolerates no rival and demands all for +itself. It is belief--and yet it doubts. It is hope and it is also +misgiving. It is trust and distrust, the strongest temptation and the +power to withstand it; woman's need and man's dream. It is his enemy and +his best friend, her weakness and her strength; the roses and the +thorns. + +Woman's love affairs begin in her infancy, with some childish play at +sweethearts, and a cavalier in dresses for her hero. It may be a matter +of affinity in later years, or, as the more prosaic Buckle suggests, +dependent upon the price of corn, but at first it is certainly a +question of propinquity. + +Through the kindergarten and the multiplication table, the pretty game +goes on. Before she is thirteen, she decides to marry, and selects an +awkward boy a little older for the happy man. She cherishes him in her +secret heart, and it does not matter in the least if she does not know +him well enough to speak to him, for the good fairies who preside over +earthly destinies will undoubtedly lead The Prince to become formally +acquainted at the proper time. + +[Sidenote: The Self-Conscious Period] + +Later, the self-conscious period approaches and Mademoiselle becomes +solicitous as to ribbons and personal adornment. She pleads earnestly +for long gowns, and the first one is never satisfying unless it drags. +If she can do her hair in a twist "just like mamma's," and see the +adored one pass the house, while she sits at the window with sewing or +book, she feels actually "grown up." + +When she begins to read novels, her schoolmates, for the time being, are +cast aside, because none of them are in the least like the lovers who +stalk through the highly-coloured pages of the books she likes best. The +hero is usually "tall and dark, with a melancholy cast of countenance," +and there are fascinating hints of some secret sorrow. The watchful +maternal parent is apt to confiscate these interesting volumes, but +there are always school desks and safe places in the neighbourhood of +pillows, and a candle does not throw its beams too far. + +The books in which the love scenes are most violent possess unfading +charm. A hero who says "darling" every time he opens his +finely-chiselled mouth is very near perfection. That fondness lasts +well into the after-years, for "darling" is, above all others, the +favourite term of endearment with a woman. + +Were it not for the stern parents and wholesome laws as to age, girls +might more often marry their first loves. It is difficult to conjecture +what the state of civilisation might be, if it were common for people to +marry their first loves, regardless of "age, colour, or previous +condition of servitude." + +[Sidenote: Age and Colour] + +Age and colour are all-important factors with Mademoiselle. She could +not possibly love a boy three weeks younger than herself, and if her +eyes are blue and her hair light, no blondes need apply. + +There is a curious delusion, fostered by phrenologists and other amiable +students of "temperament," to the effect that a brunette must infallibly +fall in love with a blonde and vice versa. What dire misfortune may +result if this rule is not followed can be only surmised, for the +phrenologists do not know. Still, the majority of men are dark and it is +said they do not marry as readily as of yore--is this the secret of the +widespread havoc made by peroxide of hydrogen? + +The lurid fiction fever soon runs its course with Mademoiselle, if she +is let alone, and she turns her attention once more to her schoolmates. +She has at least a dozen serious attacks before she is twenty, and at +that ripe age, is often a little _blase_. + +[Sidenote: The Pastime and the Dream] + +But the day soon comes when the pretty play is over and the soft eyes +widen with fear. She passes the dividing line between childhood and +womanhood when she first realises that her pastime and her dream have +forged chains around her inmost soul. This, then, is what life holds for +her; it is ecstasy or torture, and for this very thing she was made. + +Some man exists whom she will follow to the end of the world, right +royally if she may, but on her knees if she must. The burning sands of +the desert will be as soft grass if he walks beside her, his voice will +make her forget her thirst, and his touch upon her arm will change her +weariness into peace. + +When he beckons she must answer. When he says "come," she must not stay. +She must be all things to him--friend, comrade, sweetheart, wife. When +the infinite meaning of her dream slowly dawns upon her, is it strange +that she trembles and grows pale? + +Soon or late it comes to all. Sometimes there is terror at the sudden +meeting and Love often comes in the guise of a friend. But always, it +brings joy which is sorrow, and pain which is happiness--gladness which +is never content. + +A woman wants a man to love her in the way she loves him; a man wants a +woman to love him in the way he loves her, and because the thing is +impossible, neither is satisfied. + +[Sidenote: The Strongest Passion] + +Man's emotion is far stronger than woman's. His feeling, when it is +deep, is a force which a woman may but dimly understand. The strongest +passion of a man's life is his love for his sweetheart; woman's greatest +love is lavished upon her child. + +"One is the lover and one is the loved." Sometimes the positions are +reversed, to the misery of all concerned, but normally, man is the +lover. He wins love by pleading for it, and there is no way by which a +woman may more surely lose it, for while woman's pity is closely akin to +Love, man's pity is a poor relation who wears Love's cast-off clothes. + +There are two other ways in which a woman loses her lover. One is by +marrying him and the other by retaining him as her friend. If she can +keep him as her friend, she never believes in his love, and husbands and +lovers are often two very different possessions. + +A man's heart is an office desk, wherein tender episodes are +pigeon-holed for future reference. If he is too busy to look them over, +they are carried off later in Father Time's junk-wagon, like other and +more profane history. + +All the isolated loves of a woman's life are woven into a single +continuous fabric. Love itself is the thing she needs and the man who +offers it seldom matters much. Man loves and worships woman, but woman +loves love. Were it not so, there would be no actor's photograph upon +the matinee girl's dressing-table, and no bit of tender verse would be +fastened to her cushion with a hat pin, while she herself was fancy +free. + +[Sidenote: Gift and Giver] + +All her life long she confuses the gift with the giver, and loving with +the pride of being loved, because her love is responsive rather than +original. + +[Sidenote: The Forgotten Harp] + +She demands that the lover's devotion shall continue after marriage; +that every look shall be tender and every word adoring. Failing this, +she knows that love is dead. She is inevitably disappointed in marriage, +because she is no longer his fear, intoxication, and pain, but rather +his comrade and friend. The vibrant strings, struck from silence and +dreams to a sounding chord, are trembling still--whispering lingering +music to him who has forgotten the harp. + +When a woman once tells a man she loves him, he regards it as some +chemical process which has taken place in her heart and he never +considers the possibility of change. He is little concerned as to its +expression, for he knows it is there. On the contrary, it is only by +expression that a woman ever feels certain of a man's love. + +Doubt is the essential and constant quality of her nature, when once she +loves. She continually demands new proof and new devotion, consoling +herself sometimes with the thought that three days ago he said he loved +her and there has been no discord since. + +As for him, if his comfort is assured, he never thinks to question her, +for men are as blind as Love. If she seems glad to see him and is not +distinctly unpleasant, she may even be a little preoccupied without +arousing suspicion. A man likes to feel that he is loved and a woman +likes to be told. + +The use of any faculty exhausts it. The ear, deafened by a cannon, is +incapable for the moment of hearing the human voice. The eyes, +momentarily blinded by the full glare of the sun, miss the delicate +shades of violet and sapphire in the smoke from a wood fire. We soon +become accustomed to condiments and perfume, and the same law applies to +sentiment and emotion. + +[Sidenote: The Lover's Devotion] + +Thus it seems to women that men love spasmodically--that the lover's +devotion is a series of unrelated acts based upon momentary impulse, +rather than a steady purpose. They forget that the heart may need more +rest than the interval between beats. + +[Sidenote: Attraction and Repulsion] + +If a man and woman who truly loved each other were cast away upon a +desert island, he would tire of her long before she wearied of him. The +sequence of attraction and repulsion, the ultimate balance of positive +and negative, are familiar electrical phenomena. Is it unreasonable to +suppose that the supreme form of attraction is governed by the same law? + +Strong attractions frequently begin with strong repulsions, sometimes +mutual, but more often on the part of the attracting force. A man seldom +develops a violent and inexplicable hatred for a woman and later finds +that it has unaccountably changed to love. + +Yet a woman often marries a man she has sincerely hated, and the +explanation is simple enough, perhaps, for a woman never hates a man +unless he is in some sense her master. Love and hate are kindred +passions with a woman and the depth of the one is the possible measure +of the other. + +She is wise who fully understands her weapon of coquetry. She will send +her lover from her at the moment his love is strongest, and he will +often seek her in vain. She will be parsimonious with her letters and +caresses and thus keep her attraction at its height. If he is forever +unsatisfied, he will always be her lover, for satiety must precede +repulsion. + +No woman need fear the effect of absence upon the man who honestly +loves her. The needle of the compass, regardless of intervening seas, +points forever toward the north. Pitiful indeed is she who fails to be a +magnet and blindly becomes a chain. + +The age has brought with it woman's desire for equality, at least in the +matter of love. She wishes to be as free to seek a man as he is to seek +her--to love him as freely and frankly as he does her. Why should she +withhold her lips after her heart has surrendered? Why should she keep +the pretence of coyness long after she has been won? + +[Sidenote: The Old, Old Law] + +Far beneath the tinsel of our restless age lies the old, old law, and +she who scorns it does so at the peril of all she holds most dear. +Legislation may at times be disobeyed, but never law, for the breaking +brings swift punishment of its own. + +Too often a generous-hearted woman makes the mistake of full revelation. +She wishes him to understand her every deed, her every thought. Nothing +is left to his imagination--the innermost corners of her heart are laid +bare. Given the woman and the circumstances, he would infallibly know +her action. This is why the husbands of the "practical," the +"methodical," and the "reasonable" women may be tender and devoted, but +are never lovers after marriage. + +If Alexander had been a woman, he would not have sighed for more worlds +to conquer--woman asks but one. If his world had been a clever woman he +would have had no time for alien planets, because a man will never lose +his interest in a woman while his conquest is incomplete. + +The woman who is most tenderly loved and whose husband is still her +lover, carefully conceals from him the fact that she is fully won. There +is always something he has yet to gain. + +[Sidenote: A Carmen at Heart] + +After ten years of marriage, if the old relation remains the same, it is +because she is a Carmen at heart. She is alluring, tempting, cajoling +and scorning in the same breath; at once tender and commanding, +inspiring both love and fear, baffling and eluding even while she is +leading him on. + +She gives him veiled hints of her real personality, but he never +penetrates her mask. Could he see for an instant into the secret depths +of her soul, he would understand that her concealment and her coquetry, +her mystery and her charm, are nothing but her love, playing a desperate +game against Time and man's nature, for the dear stake of his own. + +Dumas draws a fine distinction when he says: "A man may have two +passions but never two loves: whoever has loved twice has never loved at +all." If this is true, the dividing line is so exceedingly fine that it +is beyond woman's understanding, and it may be surmised that even man +does not fully realise it until he is old and grey. + +[Sidenote: The Cords of Memory] + +Yet somewhere, in every man's heart, is hidden a woman's face. To that +inner chamber no other image ever finds its way. The cords of memory +which hold it are strong as steel and as tender as the heart-fibre of +which they are made. + +There is no time in his life when those eyes would not thrill him and +those lips make him tremble--no hour when the sound of that voice would +not summon him like a trumpet-call. + +No loyalty or allegiance is powerful enough to smother it within his own +heart, in spite of the conditions to which he may outwardly conform. +Other passions may temporarily hide it even from his own sight, yet in +reality it is supreme, from the day of its birth to the door of his +grave. + +He may be happily married, as the world counts happiness, and She may be +dead--but never forgotten. No real love or hate is wrought upon by +Lethe. The thousand dreams of her will send his blood in passionate flow +and the thousand memories of her whiten his face with pain. Friendship +is intermittent and passion forgets, but man's single love is eternal. + +Because woman's love is responsive, it never dies. Her love of love is +everlasting. Some threads in the fabric she has woven are like shining +silver; others are sombre, broken, and stained with tears. When a man +has once taught a woman to believe his love is true, she is already, +though unconsciously, won. + +All the beauty in woman's life is forever associated with her love. +Violets bring the memory of dead days, when the boy-lover brought them +to her in fragrant heaps. Some women say man's love is selfish, but +there is no one among them who has ever been loved by a boy. + +[Sidenote: Some Lost Song] + +Broken, hesitant chords set some lost song to singing in her heart. The +break in her lover's voice is like another, long ago. Summer days and +summer fields, silver streams, and clouds of apple blossoms set against +the turquoise sky, bring back the Mays of childhood and all the childish +dreams. + +This is another thing a man cannot understand--that every little +tenderness of his wakes the memory of all past tenderness, and for that +very reason is often doubly sweet. This is the explanation of sudden +sadness, of the swift succession of moods, and of lips, shut on sobs, +that sometimes quiver beneath his own. + +Woman keeps alive the old ideals. Were it not for her eager efforts, +chivalry would have died long ago. King Arthur's Court is said to be a +myth, and Lancelot and Guenevere were only dreams, but the knightly +spirit still lives in man's love for woman. + +[Sidenote: The Lady of the Court] + +The Lady of the Court was wont to send her knight into danger at her +sweet, capricious will. Her glove upon his helmet, her scarf upon his +arm, her colours on his shield--were they worth the risk of horse and +spear? Yet the little that she gave him, made him invincible in the +field. + +To-day there is a subtle change. She is loved as dearly as was +Guenevere, but she gives him neither scarf nor glove. Her love in his +heart is truly his shield and his colours are the white of her soul. + +He needs no gage but her belief, and having that, it is a trust only a +coward will betray. The battle is still to the strong, but just as +surely her knight comes back with his shield untarnished, his colours +unstained, and his heart aglow with love of her who gave him courage. + +The centuries have brought new striving, which the Lady of the Court +could never know. The daughter of to-day endeavours to be worthy of the +knightly worship--to be royal in her heart and queenly in her giving; to +be the exquisitely womanly woman he sees behind her faulty clay, so that +if the veil of illusion he has woven around her should ever fall away, +the reality might be even fairer than his dream. + +Through the sombre pages of history the knights and ladies move, as +though woven in the magic web of the Lady of Shalott. Tournament and +shield and spear, the Round Table and Camelot, have taken on the mystery +of fables and dreams. + +[Sidenote: By Grace of Magic] + +Yet, by the grace of magic, the sweet old story lives to-day, +unforgotten, because of its single motive. Elaine still dies for love of +Lancelot, Isolde urges Tristram to new proofs of devotion, and +Guenevere, the beautiful, still shares King Arthur's throne. For +chivalry is not dead--- it only sleeps--and the nobleness and valour of +that far-off time are ever at the service of her who has found her +knight. + + + + +The Lost Art of Courtship + +[Illustration] + + + + +The Lost Art of Courtship + + +[Sidenote: Liberty of Choice] + +Civilisation is so acutely developed at present that the old meaning of +courtship is completely lost. None of the phenomena which precede a +proposal would be deemed singular or out of place in a platonic +friendship. This state of affairs gives a man every advantage and all +possible liberty of choice. + +Our grandparents are scandalised at modern methods. "Girls never did +so," in the distant years when those dear people were young. If a young +man called on grandmother once a week, and she approved of him and his +prospects, she began on her household linen, without waiting for the +momentous question. + +Judging by the fiction of the period and by the delightful tales of old +New England, which read like fairy stories to this generation, the +courtships of those days were too leisurely to be very interesting. +Ten-year engagements did not seem to be unusual, and it was not +considered a social mistake if a man suddenly disappeared for four or +five years, without the formality of mentioning his destination to the +young woman who expected to marry him. + +[Sidenote: Faithful Maidens] + +We have all read of the faithful maidens who kept on weaving stores of +fine linen and making regular pilgrimages for the letter which did not +come. Years afterward, when the man finally appeared, it was all right, +and the wedding went on just the same, even though in the meantime the +recreant knight had married and been bereaved. + +Two or three homeless children were sometimes brought cheerfully into +the story, and assisted materially in the continuation of the +interrupted courtship. The tears which the modern spinster sheds over +such a tale are not at the pathos of the situation, but because it is +possible, even in fiction, for a woman to be so destitute of spirit. + +[Sidenote: Without Saying a Word] + +"In dem days," as Uncle Remus would say, any attention whatever meant +business. Small courtesies which are without significance now were +fraught with momentous import then. In this year of grace, among all +races except our own, there are ways in which a man may definitely +commit himself without saying a word. + +A flower or a serenade is almost equivalent to a proposal in sunny +Spain. A "walking-out" period of six months is much in vogue in other +parts of Europe, but the daughter of the Anglo-Saxon has no such guide +to a man's intentions. + +Among certain savage tribes, if a man is in love with a girl and wishes +to marry her, he drags her around his tent by the hair or administers a +severe beating. It may be surmised that these attentions are not +altogether pleasant, but she has the advantage of knowing what the man +means. + +Flowers are a pretty courtesy and nothing more. The kindly thought which +prompts them may be as transient as their bloom. Three or four men +serenade girls on summer nights because they love to hear themselves +sing. Books, and music, and sweets, which convention decrees are the +only proper gifts for the unattached, may be sent to any girl, without +affecting her indifference to furniture advertisements and January sales +of linen. + +If there is any actual courtship at the present time, the girl does just +as much of it as the man. Her dainty remembrances at holiday time have +little more meaning than the trifles a man bestows upon her, though the +gift latitude accorded her is much wider in scope. + +[Sidenote: Furniture] + +When a girl gives a man furniture, she usually intends to marry him, but +often merely succeeds in making things interesting for the girl who does +it in spite of her. The newly-married woman attends to the personal +belongings of her happy possessor with the celerity which is taught in +classes for "First Aid to the Injured." + +One by one, the cherished souvenirs of his bachelor days disappear. +Pictures painted by rival fair ones go to adorn the servant's room, +through gradual retirement backward. Rare china is mysteriously broken. +Sofa cushions never "harmonise with the tone of the room," and the +covers have to be changed. It takes time, but usually by the first +anniversary of a man's marriage, his penates have been nobly weeded +out, and the things he has left are of his wife's choosing, generously +purchased with his own money. + +Woe to the girl who gives a man a scarf-pin! When the bride returns the +initial call, that scarf-pin adds conspicuously to her adornment. The +calm appropriation makes the giver grind her teeth--- and the bride +knows it. + +In the man's presence, the keeper of his heart and conscience will say, +sweetly: "Oh, my dear, such a dreadful thing has happened! That +exquisitely embroidered scarf you made for Tom's chiffonier is utterly +ruined! The colours ran the first time it was washed. You have no idea +how I feel about it--it was such a beautiful thing!" + +The wretched donor of the scarf attempts consolation by saying that it +doesn't matter. It never was intended for Tom, but as every stitch in it +was taken while he was with her, he insisted that he must have it as a +souvenir of that happy summer. She adds that it was carefully washed +before it was given to him, that she has never known that kind of silk +to fade, and that something must have been done to it to make the +colours run. + +[Sidenote: A Pitched Battle] + +The short-sighted man at this juncture felicitates himself because the +two are getting on so well together. He never realises that a pitched +battle has occurred under his very nose, and that the honours are about +even. + +If Tom possesses a particularly unfortunate flash-light photograph of +the girl, the bride joyfully frames it and puts it on the mantel where +all may see. If the original of the caricature remonstrates, the happy +wife sweetly temporises and insists that it remain, because "Tom is so +fond of it," and says, "it looks just like her." + +Devious indeed are the paths of woman. She far excels the "Heathen +Chinee" in his famous specialty of "ways that are dark and tricks that +are vain." + +Courtship is a game that a girl has to play without knowing the trump. +The only way she ever succeeds at it is by playing to an imaginary trump +of her own, which may be either open, disarming friendliness, or simple +indifference. + +When a man finds the way to a woman's heart a boulevard, he has taken +the wrong road. When his path is easy and his burden light, it is time +for him to doubt. When his progress seems like making a new way to the +Klondike, he needs only to keep his courage and go on. + +For, after all, it is woman who decides. A clever girl may usually marry +any man she sees fit to honour with the responsibility of her bills. The +ardent lover counts for considerably less than he is wont to suppose. + +[Sidenote: The Only One They Know] + +There is a good old scheme which the world of lovers has unanimously +adopted, in order to find out where they stand. It is so simple as to +make one weep, but it is the only one they know. This consists of an +intentional absence, judiciously timed. + +Suppose a man has been spending three or four evenings a week with the +same girl, for a period of two or three months. Flowers, books, and +chocolates have occasionally appeared, as well as invitations to the +theatre. The man has been fed out of the chafing-dish, and also with +accidental cake, for men are as fond of sugar as women, though they are +ashamed to admit it. + +Suddenly, without warning, the man misses an evening, then another, then +another. Two weeks go by, and still no man. The neighbours and the +family begin to ask questions of a personal nature. + +It is at this stage that the immature and childish woman will write the +man a note, expressing regret for his long absence, and trusting that +nothing may interfere with their "pleasant friendship." Sometimes the +note brings the man back immediately and sometimes it doesn't. He very +seldom condescends to make an explanation. If he does, it is merely a +casual allusion to "business." This is the only excuse even a bright man +can think of. + +[Sidenote: "Climbing a Tree"] + +This act is technically known among girls as "climbing a tree." When a +man does it, he wants a girl to bring a ladder and a lunch and plead +with him to come down and be happy, but doing as he wishes is no way to +attract a man up a tree. + +Men are as impervious to tears and pleadings as a good mackintosh to +mist, but at the touch of indifference, they melt like wax. So when her +quondam lover attempts metaphorical athletics, the wise girl smiles and +withdraws into her shell. + +She takes care that he shall not see her unless he comes to her. She +draws the shades the moment the lamps are lighted. If he happens to pass +the house in the evening, he may think she is out, or that she has +company--it is all the same to her. She arranges various evenings with +girl friends and gets books from the library. This is known as +"provisioning the citadel for a siege." + +[Sidenote: Pride and Pride] + +It is a contest between pride and pride which occurs in every courtship, +and the girl usually wins. True lovers are as certain to return as +Bo-Peep's flock or a systematically deported cat. Shame-faced, but +surely, the man comes back. + +Various laboratory note-books yield the same result. A single entry +indicates the general trend of the affair. + +_MAN calls on GIRL after five weeks of unexplained absence. She asks no +questions, but keeps the conversation impersonal, even after he shows +symptoms of wishing to change its character._ + +MAN. (_Finally._) "I haven't seen you for an awfully long time." + +GIRL. "Haven't you? Now that I think of it, it has been some time." + +MAN. "How long has it been, I wonder?" + +GIRL. "I haven't the least idea. Ten days or two weeks, I guess." + +MAN. (_Hastily._) "Oh no, it's been much longer than that. Let's see, +it's"--(_makes great effort with memory_)--"why, it's five weeks! Five +weeks and three days! Don't you remember?" + +GIRL. "I hadn't thought of it. It doesn't seem that long. How time does +fly, doesn't it!" (_Long silence._) + +MAN. "I've been awfully busy. I wanted to come over, but I just +couldn't." + +GIRL. "I've been very busy, too." (_Voluminous detail of her affairs +follows, entirely pleasant in character._) + +MAN. (_Tenderly._) "Were you so busy you didn't miss me?" + +GIRL. "Why, I can't say I missed you, exactly, but I always thought of +you pleasantly." + +MAN. "Did you think of me often?" + +GIRL. (_Laughing._) "I didn't keep any record of it. Do you want me to +cut a notch in the handle of my parasol every time I think of you? If +all my friends were so exacting, I'd have time for nothing else. I'd +need a new one every week and the house would be full of shavings. All +my fingers would be cut, too." + +MAN. (_Unconsciously showing his hand._) "I thought you'd write me a +note." + +[Sidenote: His Short Suit] + +GIRL. (_Leading his short suit._) "You could have waited on your front +steps till the garbage man took you away, and I wouldn't have written +you any note." + +MAN. (_With evident sincerity._) "That's no dream! I could do just +that!" (_Proposal follows in due course, MAN making full and complete +confession._) + +If he is foolish enough to complicate his game with another girl, he +loses much more than he gains, for he lowers the whole affair to the +level of a flirtation, and destroys any belief the girl may have had in +him. He also forces her to do the same thing, in self-defence. +Flirtation is the only game in which it is advisable and popular to +trump one's partner's ace. + +He who would win a woman must challenge her admiration, prove himself +worthy of her regard, appeal to her sympathy--and then wound her. She +is never wholly his until she realises that he has the power to make her +miserable as well as to make her happy, and that love is an infinite +capacity for suffering. + +A man who does it consciously is apt to overdo it, out of sheer +enthusiasm, and if a girl suspects that it is done intentionally, the +hurt loses its sting and changes her love to bitterness. A succession of +attempts is also useless, for a man never hurts a woman twice in exactly +the same way. When he has run the range of possible stabs, she is out of +his reach--unless she is his wife. + +[Sidenote: A State Secret] + +The intentional absence scheme is too transparent to succeed, and +temporary devotion to another girl is definite damage to his cause, for +it indicates fickleness and instability. There is only one way by which +a man may discover his true position without asking any questions, and +that is--a state secret. Now and then a man strikes it by accident, but +nobody ever tells--even brothers or platonic friends. + +Some men select a wife as they would a horse, paying due attention to +appearance, gait, disposition, age, teeth, and grooming. High spirits +and a little wildness are rather desirable than otherwise, if both are +young. Men who have had many horses or many wives and have grown old +with both, have a slight inclination toward sedate ways and domestic +traits. + +[Sidenote: The "Woman's Column"] + +Modern society makes it fully as easy to choose the one as the other. In +communities where the chaperone idea is at its prosperous zenith, a man +may see a girl under nearly all circumstances. The men who conduct the +"Woman's Column" in many pleasing journals are still writing of the +effect it has on a man to catch a girl in curl papers of a morning, +though curl papers have been obsolete for many and many a moon. + +Cycling, golf, and kindred out-door amusements have been the death of +careless morning attire. Uncorseted woman is unhappy woman, and the girl +of whom the versatile journalist writes died long ago. Perhaps it is +because a newspaper man can write anything at four minutes' notice and +do it well, that the press fairly reeks with "advice to women." + +The question, propounded in a newspaper column, "What Kind of a Girl +Does a Man Like Best," will bring out a voluminous symposium which adds +materially to the gaiety of the nation. It would be only fair to have +this sort of thing temporarily reversed--to tell men how to make home +happy for their wives and how to keep a woman's love, after it has once +been given. + +Some clever newspaper woman might win everlasting laurels for herself if +she would contribute to this much neglected branch of human knowledge. +How is a man to know that a shirt-front which looks like a railroad map +diverts one's mind from his instructive remarks? How is he to know that +a cane is a nuisance when he fares forth with a girl? It is true that +sisters might possibly attempt this, but the modern sister is heavily +overworked at present and it is not kind to suggest an addition to her +cares. + +[Sidenote: Neglected By His Kind] + +There is no advice of any sort given to men except on the single subject +of choosing a wife. This is to be found only in the books in the +Sabbath-School library, or in occasional columns of the limited number +of saffron dailies which illuminate the age. Surely, man has been +neglected by his kind! + +[Sidenote: Indecision] + +The general masculine attitude indicates widespread belief in the +promise, "Ask, and ye shall receive." A man will tell his best friend +that he doesn't know whether to marry a certain girl. If she hears of +his indecision there is trouble ahead, if he finally decides in the +affirmative, and it is quite possible that he may not marry her. + +After the door of a woman's heart has once swung on its silent hinges, a +man thinks he can prop it open with a brick and go away and leave it. A +storm is apt to displace the brick, however--and there is a heavy spring +on the door. Woe to the masculine finger that is in the way! + +A man often hesitates between two young women and asks his friends which +he shall marry. Custom has permitted the courtship of both and neither +has the right to feel aggrieved, because it is exceedingly bad form for +a girl to love a man before he has asked her to. + +Now and then a third girl is a man's confidante at this trying period. +Nothing so bores a person as to be a man's "guide, philosopher and +friend" in his perplexities with other girls. To one distinct class of +women men tell their troubles and the other class sees that they have +plenty to tell. It is better to be in the second category than in the +first. + +Sooner or later, the confidante explains the whole affair to the +subjects of the confidence and strange, new kinds of trouble immediately +come to the rash man. It is a common failing to expect another person to +keep a secret which we have just proved is beyond our own capability. + +[Sidenote: The Adamantine Fortress] + +When a man has once deeply wounded a woman's pride, he may just as well +give up his hope of winning her. At that barrier, the little blind god +may plead in vain. Love's face may be sad, his big, sightless eyes soft +with tears, and his helpless hands outstretched in pleading and prayer, +but that stern sentinel will never yield. Wounded love is easily +forgiven, wounded belief sometimes forgotten, but wounded pride--never. +It is the adamantine fortress. There is only one path which leads to the +house of forgiveness--that of understanding, and it is impassable if +woman's pride has come between. + +A girl never knows whether a courtship is in progress or not, unless a +man tells her. He may be interested and amused, but not in love. It is +only in the comic papers that a stern parent waits upon the continuous +caller and demands to know his "intentions," so a girl must, perforce, +be her own guide. + +[Sidenote: The Continuous Caller] + +A man may call upon a girl so constantly and so regularly that the +neighbours daily expect wedding invitations, and the family inquire why +he does not have his trunk sent to the house. Later, quite casually, he +will announce his engagement to a girl who is somewhere else. This +fiancee is always a peculiarly broad-minded girl who knows all about her +lover's attentions to the other and does not in the least object. She +wants him to "have a good time" when he is away from her, and he is +naturally anxious to please her. He wants the other girl to know his +wife--he is sure they will be good friends. + +Lasting feminine friendships are not built upon foundations of that +kind. It is very unfortunate, for the world would be gladdened by many +more than now exist. + +According to geometry, "things which are equal to the same thing are +equal to each other," and it would seem, from the standpoint of pure +reason, that people who are fond of the same people would naturally be +congenial and take pleasure in being together. + +But a sensitive spinster is often grieved when she discovers that her +men friends do not readily assimilate. If she leaves two of them to +entertain each other, the conversation does not flow with desirable +spontaneity. There is no lack of courtesy between them, however, even of +that finer sort which keeps them both there, lest one, by leaving, +should seem to remind his companion that it was late. + +On the contrary, if a man is fond of two different girls, they are +seldom to be seen apart. They exchange long visits regularly and this +thoughtfulness often saves him from making an extra call. + +[Sidenote: A Happy Triumvirate] + +A happy triumvirate is thus formed and the claws of it do not show. +Sometimes it is hard to decide between them, and he cuts the Gordian +knot by marrying someone else, but the friendship is never the same +afterward. The girls are no longer boon companions and when the man +crosses their paths, they manage to convey the impression of great +distance. + +[Sidenote: Narrowed Down to Two] + +In the beginning, almost any number may join in the game, but the +inevitable process of selection eventually narrows it down to two. +Society has given men a little the best of it, but perhaps woman's finer +sight compensates her for the apparent disadvantages--and even Love, who +deals the cards, is too blind to see the fatal consequences of his +mistakes. + + + + +The Natural History of Proposals + +[Illustration] + + + + +The Natural History of Proposals + + +[Sidenote: The Inquiring Spinster] + +There is no subject which presents more difficulties to the inquiring +spinster. Contemporary spinsters, when approached upon the topic, are +anything but encouraging; apparently lacking the ability to distinguish +between impertinent intrusion into their personal affairs and the +scientific spirit which prompts the collection of statistics. + +Married women, when asked to repeat the exact language of the lover at +the happy moment, are wont to transfix the sensitive aspirant for +knowledge with lofty scorn. Mothers are accustomed to dissemble and say +they "have forgotten." Men in general are uncommunicative, though +occasionally some rare soul will expand under the influence of food and +freely give more valuable information than can be extracted from an +indefinite number of women. + +One's own experience is naturally limited, even though proposals +constitute the main joy and excitement of the spinster's monotonous +life. Emerson says: "All is sour if seen as experience," though the +gentle sage was not referring especially to offers of marriage. +Nevertheless, there is a charm about other people's affairs which would +render life beautiful indeed if it could be added to one's own. + +Nothing strengthens a woman's self-confidence like a proposal. One is a +wonder, two a superfluity, and three an epidemic. Four are proof of +unusual charm, five go to the head, and it is a rare girl whom six or +seven will not permanently spoil. + +[Sidenote: Disillusion] + +To the girl fed upon fiction, the first proposal comes in the nature of +a shock. Disillusion follows as a matter of course. Men, evidently, do +not read fiction, or at least do not profit by the valuable hints to be +found in any novel. + +A small book entitled: _How Men Propose_, was eagerly sought by young +women who were awaiting definite experience. This was discovered to be a +collection of proposals carefully selected from fiction. It was done +with care and discernment, but was not satisfying. The natural +inference was that the actual affairs were just like those in the book. + +[Sidenote: "In Books?"] + +Nothing can exceed the grace and tenderness with which men propose--in +books. Such chivalrous worship, such pleasing deference is accorded--in +books! Such pretty pleading, such knightly vows of eternal allegiance, +as are always found--in books! + +The hero of a few years back was wont to make his offer on his knees. He +also haunted the home of the beloved maiden, deeming himself well repaid +for five hours wait if he had a fleeting glimpse of her at the window. +Torn hair was frequent, and refusal drove men to suicide and madness. + +The young women who were the cause of all this trouble were never more +than eighteen or twenty years of age. Mature spinsters of twenty-five +figured as envious deterrents in the happy affair. Many a story-book +marriage has been spoiled by the jealousy of the wrinkled rival of +twenty-five. + +[Sidenote: The First Proposal] + +The violent protestations of the lover in the novel were indeed +something to be awaited with fear and trembling. With her anticipations +aroused by this kind of reading and her eagerness whetted by +interminable years of waiting, Mademoiselle receives her first offer of +marriage. + +She is in doubt, at first, as to whether it is a proposal. It seems like +some dreadful mistake. Where is the courtly manner of the lover in the +book? What is the matter with this red-faced boy? Where is the pretty +pleading, the gracious speech? Why should a lover stammer and confuse +his verbs? + +Mademoiselle recoils in disgust. This, then, is what she has been +waiting for. It is not at all like the book. Her lover is entirely +different from other girls' lovers--so different that he is pathetic. + +Her faith in the gospel of romance is sadly shaken, when the next +experience is a great deal like the first. No one, in the book, could +doubt the lover's meaning. Yet in the halting sentences and confused +metaphors of actual experience, there is sometimes much question as to +what he really means. A girl often has to ask a man if he has just +proposed to her, that she may accept or refuse, in a gracious and proper +way. + +[Sidenote: The Ordeal] + +In a girl's early ideas on the subject, she has much sympathy for the +man who has to undergo the ordeal of asking a woman to be his wife. She +thinks he must contemplate the momentous step for weeks, await the +opportunity with expectant terror, and when his lady is in a happy mood, +recite with fear and trembling, the proposal which he has written out +and learned, appropriately enough, by heart. + +Later, she comes to know that after the first few times, men propose as +thoughtlessly and easily as they dress for dinner, that they devote no +particular study to the art, that constant practice makes them +proficient, and that almost any girl will do when the proposal mood is +on. + +She discovers that they often do it simply to make a pleasing impression +upon a girl, with no thought of acceptance. Many an engagement is more +of a surprise to the man than to anybody else. + +Because fiction comes very near to the heart of woman, she invariably +follows its dictates and shows great astonishment at every proposal. The +women who have been thus surprised are even more rare than days in +June. + +[Sidenote: The False and the True] + +When a man begins to compare a girl to a flower, a baby, or a kitten, +she knows what is coming next. She spends her mental energy in +distinguishing the false from the true--which is sufficient employment +for anyone. There is not enough cerebral tissue to waste much of it upon +unnecessary processes. + +It is very hard to tell whether a man really means a proposal. It may +have been made under romantic circumstances, or because he was lonesome +for the other girl, or, in the case of an heiress, because he was tired +of work. Longing for the absent sweetheart will frequently cause a man +to become engaged to someone near by, because, though absence may make a +woman's heart grow fonder, it is presence that plays the mischief with a +man. No wise girl would accept a man who proposed by moonlight or just +after a meal. The dear things aren't themselves then. + +Food, properly served, will attract a proposal at almost any time, +especially if it is known that the pleasing viands were of the girl's +own making. Cooking and love may seem at first glance to be widely +separated, but no woman can have one without the other. The brotherly +love for all creation, which emanates from the well-fed man, overflows, +concentrates, and naturally becomes a proposal. + +[Sidenote: Written Proposals] + +Other things being equal, a written proposal is apt to be genuine, +especially if it is signed with the full name and address of the writer, +and the date is not omitted. Long and painful experience in the courts +of his country has made man wary of direct evidence. + +But a written proposal is extremely bad form. A girl never can be sure +that her lover did not attempt to fish it out of the letter-box after it +had slipped from his fingers. The author of _How to Be Happy, Though +Married_, once saw a miserable young man attempting to get his +convicting letter back by means of a forked stick. The sight must be +quite common everywhere. Proposing in haste and repenting at leisure is +not by any means unusual. + +Then, too, a girl misses a possible opportunity of seeing a man blush +and stammer. One does not often get a chance to see a man willingly +making himself ridiculous, and the spectacle is worth waiting for. + +[Sidenote: Confusion and Awkwardness] + +Confusion and awkwardness are high trumps with a woman, for they +indicate inexperience and uncertainty. The man who proposes in a +finished and nonchalant manner, as if he had done it frequently and were +sure of the result, is now and then astonished at a refusal. It is also +a risk to offer a ring immediately after acceptance. The suspicion is +that the ring has been worn before, or else the man was sure enough of +the girl to invest heavily in his future. + +Sometimes a man will disclose to a platonic friend the form he +habitually employs in proposals. The hero of battle engagements has +proverbial charm for woman, and the hero of matrimonial engagements is +meat and drink to the spinster athirst for knowledge. + +Feed the man, and when the brotherly love for the entire universe begins +to radiate, approach him gently upon the subject. + +"Why, bless your little heart," the man will say, "of course I'll tell +you about it. Yes, you're right in supposing that I know more about it +than anyone else you know. I've never been refused in my life and I +know I've asked a hundred. I've had medals for that. + +"I always try to make each one different," he will continue. "Girls +sometimes compare notes and it makes it awkward. The girl I'm engaged to +now doesn't know any of my other girls, though, so I'm safe enough. + +[Sidenote: "One of the Best Proposals"] + +"I'll never forget the way I did that. I think it was one of the best +proposals I ever made. She's a mighty pretty little thing,--blue eyes +and black hair,--a regular Irish type. I must tell you first, though, +how I came to know her. + +"The one I was engaged to just before I asked her, had just broken it +off on account of property which her children would lose if she married +again. She was a widow, you know. I've told you about her--the one with +red hair. Between you and me, that's the only woman in God's world my +heart ever went out to. That is the love of my life. Her little girl, +eleven years old, was in love with me, too. She used to tremble when I +kissed her, and was jealous of her mother. But this little girl I'm +engaged to now, why I just love the ground she walks on. + +[Sidenote: "A Very Peculiar Affair"] + +"Well," after a pause, "this was a very peculiar affair. Of course I was +all broken up over losing her--couldn't eat nor sleep--I was a perfect +wreck. This old friend of mine happened along, and he says, 'You'll have +to brace up, old man. Come on out to my house in the country and rest up +a bit.' So I went, and met his daughter. + +"Five days after I met her, I asked him for her hand. I explained it to +him just as I would to my own father, and he understood all right. He's +a fine fellow. He said I could have her. Of course I'd asked her first. + +"Yes--I'm getting to that. I took her out for a walk one afternoon, and +when we came to the river, we sat down to talk. It was a perfect day. I +began by saying how sad it was to see a beautiful flower and to know +that it was out of one's reach, or to see anything beautiful and know +that one never could possess it. I led up to the subject by gentle +degrees, and then I said: 'You must have seen that I love you, and you +know without my telling you, that I want you to be my wife. I don't say +I want you to marry me, because I want you to do more than that--I want +you to be my wife.' (Fine distinction that!) + +"Well, she was very much surprised, of course, but she accepted me all +right. Yes, I told her about the other woman, but in such a way that she +understood it perfectly. Lots of other fellows wanted her and I snatched +the prize from right under their very noses. I don't suppose I'll ever +propose any more now. I'd never propose to you, even if I were free to +do so, because I know you'd refuse me. You'd refuse me, wouldn't you? +Somebody else might just as well have me, if you don't want me." + +[Sidenote: In Spite of Varied Resources] + +Yet in spite of the varied resources at woman's command, we sometimes +hear of one who yearns for the privilege of seeking man in marriage. The +woman who longs for the right to propose is evidently not bright enough +to bring a man to the point. + +Still worse than this, there are cases on record where women, not +reigning queens, have actually proposed to men. The men who are thus +sought in the bonds of matrimony are not slow to tell of it, confining +themselves usually to their own particular circle of men friends. But +the news sometimes filters through man's capacity to keep a secret, and +the knowledge is diffused among interested spinsters. + +[Sidenote: Hints] + +What men term "hints" are not out of place, for the proposal market +would be less active, were it not for "hints." But these are seldom +given in words--unless a man happens to be particularly stupid. + +When the proposal habit is not firmly fastened upon a man, and he begins +to have serious designs upon some one girl, she knows it long before he +does. Incidentally, the family and the neighbours have their suspicions. + +Woman, with her strong dramatic instinct, wishes the proposal to occur +according to accepted rules. Hence, if a man shows symptoms of +whispering the momentous question in a crowd, he is apt to be delicately +discouraged, and if the girl is not satisfied with her own appearance, +there will also be postponement. No girl wants to be proposed to when +her hair is dishevelled, her collar wilted, and her soul distraught by +pestiferous mosquitoes. + +But an ambitious and painstaking girl will arrange the stage for a +proposal, with untiring patience, months before it actually happens. +When she practices assiduously all the morning, that she may execute +difficult passages with apparent ease in the evening, and willingly +turns the freezer that there may be cooling ice opportunely left after +dinner, to "melt if somebody doesn't eat it," she expects something to +happen. + +When the man finally appears, and the little brother marches off like a +well-trained soldier, with two nickels jingling in his pocket, even the +victim might be on his guard. When the family are unceremoniously put +out of the house, and father, mother, and sisters are seen in the summer +twilight, wandering in disconsolate pairs, let the neighbours keep away +from the house under penalty of the girl's lasting hate. + +Sometimes, when the family have been put out, and the common human +interest leads intimate spinster friends to pass the house, there is +nothing to be seen but the girl playing accompaniments for the man while +he sings. + +Yet the initiated know, for if a girl only praises a man's singing +enough, he will most surely propose to her before many moons have +passed. The scheme has a two-fold purpose, because all may see that he +finds the house attractive, and if no engagement is announced, the +entire affair may easily be explained upon musical and platonic grounds. + +[Sidenote: A Formal Proposal] + +Owing to the distorted methods of courtship which prevail at the present +day, a girl may never be sure that a man really cares for her until he +makes a formal proposal. If a man were accepted the minute he proposed, +he would think the girl had been his for some time, and would +unconsciously class her as among those easily won. + +The insinuation that she has been easily won is the thing which is not +to be borne. It may have been simple enough, in fact, but let a man +beware how he trifles with this delicate subject, even after fifty years +of marriage. + +[Sidenote: On Probation] + +Consequently, it is the proper thing to take the matter under advisement +and never to accept definitely without a period of probation. This is +the happiest time of a girl's life. She is absolutely sure of her lover +and may administer hope, fear, doubt, and discouragement to her heart's +content. + +The delicate attentions which are showered upon her are the envy of +every spinster on the street who does not know the true state of the +affair. Sometimes, with indifferent generosity, she divides her roses +and invites the less fortunate to share her chocolates. This always +pleases the man, if he knows about it. + +Also, because she is not in the least bound, she makes the best of this +last freedom and accepts the same courtesies from other men. Nothing is +so well calculated to sound the depths of original sin in man's nature, +as to find his rival's roses side by side with his, when a girl has him +on probation. And he never feels so entirely similar to an utter idiot, +as when he sees a girl to whom he has definitely committed himself, +flirting cheerfully with two or three other men. + +Woe be to him if he remonstrates! For Mademoiselle is testing him with +this end in view. If he complains bitterly of her outrageous behaviour, +she dismisses him with sorrowful dignity, jealousy being the one thing +she cannot tolerate in men. + +[Sidenote: Opportunity for Fine Work] + +There is opportunity for fine work in the situation which the young +woman immediately develops. A man may take his choice of the evils which +lie before him, for almost anything may happen. + +He may complain, and if he shows anger, there is war. If he betrays +jealousy, there is trouble which marriage will accentuate, rather than +lessen. If he shows concern because his beloved is so fickle, and +insinuates that so unstable a person will not make a good wife, he +touches pride in a vital spot and his cause is no more. Let him be +manfully unconcerned; as far above jealousy and angry reproach as a St. +Bernard is above a kitten--and Mademoiselle is his. + +Philosophers laugh at woman's fickleness, but her constancy, when once +awakened, endures beyond life and death, and sometimes beyond betrayal. +But this is not to be won by a jealous man, for jealousy is the +mother-in-law of selfishness, and a woman never permits a man to rival +her in her own particular field. + +[Sidenote: Another Danger] + +If a man safely passes the test of probation, there is yet another +danger which lies between him and the realisation of his ambition. This +is the tendency of women to conduct excavations into a man's previous +affairs. + +He needs the wisdom of the serpent at this juncture, for under the +smiling sweetness a dagger is often concealed. If the point is allowed +to show during an engagement, the whole blade will frequently flash +during marriage. + +"Yes, dearest," a man will say, tenderly, "I have loved before, but that +was long ago--long before I met you. She was beautiful, tall, dark, +majestic, with a regal nature like herself--Good Heavens, how I loved +her!" + +This is apt to continue for some little time, if a man gets thoroughly +interested in his subject and thinks he is talking rather well, before +he discovers that his petite blonde divinity is either a frozen statue, +or a veritable Niobe as to tears. And not one man in three hundred and +nineteen ever suspects what he has done! + +[Sidenote: The Thought of Defection] + +A woman is more jealous of the girls a man has loved, whom she has never +seen, than of any number of attractive rivals. In the blind adoration +which he yields her, she takes no thought of immediate defection, for +her smile always makes him happy--her voice never loses its mystic power +over his senses. + +On the contrary, a man never stoops to be jealous of the men who have +pleaded in vain for what he has won, nor even of possible fiances whom +later discretion has discarded. He is sure of her at the present moment +and his doubt centres itself comfortably upon the future, which is +always shadowy and unreal to a man, because he is less imaginative than +woman. + +And yet--there is no more dangerous companion for a woman than the man +who has loved her. It is easier to waken a woman's old love than to +teach her a new affection. Strangely enough, the woman a man has once +loved and then forgotten is powerless in the after years. A man's dead +friendship may dream of resurrection, but never his dead love. + +Jealousy and distrust have never yet won a doubting heart. Bitterness +never accomplishes miracles which sweetness fails to do. Too often men +and women spend their time in wondering why they are not loved, trying +various schemes and pitiful experiments, and passing by the simple +method of trying to be lovable and unconscious of self. + +[Sidenote: "The Milk of Human Kindness"] + +"The milk of human kindness" seldom produces cream, but there is only +one way by which love may be won or kept. Perfection means a continual +shifting of standards and must ever be unattainable, but the man or +woman who is simply lovable will be wholly taken into other +hearts--faults and all. + +Now and then a man's love is hopeless, from causes which are innate and +beyond control. Sometimes regret strikes deep and lasts for more than a +day, as in the pages of the story books which women love to read. +Sometimes, too, a tender-hearted woman, seeing far into the future, will +do her best to spare a fellow-creature pain. + +[Sidenote: The Wine of Conquest] + +But this is the exception, rather than the rule. The average woman +regards a certain number of proposals as but a just tribute to her own +charm. Sometimes she sees what she has unconsciously done when it is too +late to retreat, but even then, though pity, regret, and honest pain +may result from it, there is one effect more certain still--the +intoxication of the wine of conquest, against which no woman is proof. + + + + +Love Letters: Old and New + +[Illustration] + + + + +Love Letters: Old and New + + +[Sidenote: The Average Love Letter] + +The average love letter is sufficient to make a sensitive spinster weep, +unless she herself is in love and the letter be addressed to her. The +first stage of the tender passion renders a man careless as to his +punctuation, the second seriously affects his spelling, and in the last +period of the malady, his grammar develops locomotor ataxia. The single +blessedness of school-teachers is largely to be attributed to this +cause. + +A real love letter is absolutely ridiculous to everyone except the +writer and the recipient. A composition, which repeats the same term of +endearment thirteen times on a page, has certainly no particular claim +to literary art. + +When a man writes a love letter, dated, and fully identified by name and +address, there is no question but that he is in earnest. A large number +of people consider nothing so innocently entertaining as love letters, +read in a court-room, with due attention to effect, by the counsel for +the other side. + +Affairs of that kind are given scarlet headlines in the saffron +journals, and if the letters are really well done, it means the sale of +an "extra." No man can hope to write anything which will possess such +general interest as his love letters. If Shakespeare had written +voluminously to his sweetheart--to any of his sweethearts--and the +letters should be found by this generation, what a hue and cry would be +raised over his peaceful ashes! + +[Sidenote: Sins of Commission] + +Doing the things which ought not to be done never loses fascination and +charm. The rare pleasure thus obtained far exceeds the enjoyment of +leaving undone things which ought to be done. Sins of commission are far +more productive of happiness than the sins of omission. + +[Sidenote: For Posterity] + +Thus people whose sense of honour would not permit them to read an open +letter which belonged to someone else will go by thousands to purchase +the published letters of some famous man. Dr. Arbuthnot, in speaking of +the publication of letters, said that it added a new terror to death, so +true it is that while a man may think for the present, he unavoidably +writes for posterity. + +No passion is too sacred to be hidden from the eagle eye of the public. +The death of anyone of more than passing fame is followed by a volume of +"letters." It is pathetic to read these posthumous pages, which should +have been buried with the hands that wrote them, or consigned to the +never-failing mercy of the flames. + +Burial has not always sufficed. The manuscript of one well-known book of +poems was buried with the lady to whom they were written, but in later +years her resting-place was disturbed, with the consent of her lover, +for this very manuscript. + +Her golden hair had grown after her death, and was found closely +entwined with the written pages--so closely that it had to be cut. The +loving embrace which Death would not break was rudely forced to yield. +Even in her "narrow house" she might not keep her love letters in peace, +since the public wanted to read what had been written for her alone and +the publisher was waiting for "copy." + +[Sidenote: Letters in a Grave] + +In a paper of the _Tatler_, written by Addison or Steele, or possibly +by both, is described a party in a country village which is suddenly +broken into confusion by the entrance of the sexton of their parish +church, fresh from the digging of a grave. The sexton tells the +merrymakers how a chance blow of his pickaxe has opened a decayed +coffin, in which are discovered several papers. + +These are found to be the love letters received by the wife of Sir +Thomas Chichley, one of the admirals of King William. Most of the +letters were ruined by damp and mould, but "here and there," says the +_Tatler_, "a few words such as 'my soul,' 'dearest,' 'roses,' and 'my +angel,' still remained legible, resisting the corrupting influence of +Time." + +One of these letters in a grave, which Lady Chichley had requested might +be buried with her in her coffin, was found entire, though discoloured +by the lapse of twenty years. Its words were these: + +"Madam: + +"If you would know the greatness of my love, consider that of your own +beauty. That blooming countenance, that snowy bosom, that graceful +person, return every moment to my imagination; the brightness of your +eyes hindered me from closing mine since I last saw you. You may still +add to your beauties by a smile. A frown will make me the most wretched +of men, as I am the most passionate of lovers." + +[Sidenote: The Advertisement] + +Death is the advertisement, at the end of an autobiography, wherein +people discover its virtues. The public which refused a bare subsistence +to the living genius will make his children comfortable by generously +purchasing his letters, which were never meant for them. + +The pathetic story of the inner struggle, which would have crucified the +sensitive soul were it known to any save his dearest friends, is proudly +blazoned forth--in print! Hopes and fears and trials are no longer +concealed. Illness, poverty, and despair are given rubricated pages. The +sorrowful letter to a friend, asking for five or ten dollars, is +reproduced in facsimile. + +[Sidenote: The Soldier of the World] + +That it shows the human side of the genius is no excuse for the +desecration. What of the sunny soul who always sang courage, while he +himself was suffering from hope deferred! What of him who wrote in an +attic, often hungry for his daily bread, and took care to give the +impression of warmth and comfort! Why should his stern necessity be +disclosed to the public that would not give him bread in return for his +songs? It is enough to make the gallant soldier of the world turn +uneasily in his grave. + +In this way a bit of the greatness so bravely won is often lost, and +sometimes illusions are dispelled which all must regret. For years, we +have read with delight Mrs. Browning's exquisite poem beginning: + + "I have a name, a little name + Uncadenced for the ear." + +Throughout the poem there is no disclosure, but, so sure is her art, +that there is no sense of loss or wonder. But the pitiless searchlight +of the century is turned upon the Browning love letters, and thus we +learn that Mrs. Browning's pet name was _Ba_! + +Pretty enough, perhaps, when spoken by a lover and a poet, or in shaded +nooks, to the music of Italian streams, but quite unsuited to the +present, even though it were to be read only by lovers equally fond. + + "Though I write books, it will be read + Upon the page of none--" + +Poor Mrs. Browning! Little did she know! + +[Sidenote: With the Future in View] + +There have been some, no doubt, who have written with the future in +view, though Abelard, who broke a woman's heart, could not have foreseen +that his only claims to distinction would rest upon his letters to +loving, faithful Heloise. The life which was to be too great for her to +share is remembered now only because of her. Mocking Fate has brought +the wronged woman an exquisite revenge. + +That delightful spendthrift and scapegrace, Richard Steele, has left a +large number of whimsical letters, addressed to the lady he married. She +might possibly object to their publication, but not Steele! Indeed, she +was a foolish woman to keep this letter: + +"Dear Prue: + +"The afternoon coach will bring you ten pounds. Your letter shows that +you are passionately in love with me. But we must take our portion of +life without repining and I consider that good nature, added to the +beautiful form God has given you, would make our happiness too great for +human life. Your most obliged husband and most humble servant, + + Rich. Steele." + +Alexander Pope was another who wrote for posterity. In spite of his +deformity, he appears to have been touched to the heart by women, but +vanity and selfishness tinged all of his letters. + +[Sidenote: Systematic Lovers] + +Robert Burns was a systematic lover of anything in petticoats, and has +left such a mass of amatory correspondence that his biographer was +sorely perplexed. There could not have been a pretty maid in the British +Isles, to whom chance had been kind, who had not somewhere the usual +packet of love letters from "Bobby" Burns. + +Laurence Sterne was no less generous with his affection, if the stories +are true. At twenty, he fell in love with Elizabeth Lumley, and from his +letters to her, one might easily fancy that love was a devastating and +hopeless disease. There was a pretty little "Kitty" who claimed his +devotion, and countless other affairs, before "Eliza" appeared. "Eliza" +was a married woman and apparently the last love of the heart-scarred +Sterne. + +[Sidenote: Left by the Dead] + +No earthly thing is so nearly immortal as a love letter, and nothing is +so sorrowful as those left by the dead. The beautiful body may be dust +and all but forgotten, while the work of the loving hands lives on. Even +those written by the ancient Egyptians are seemingly imperishable. The +clay tablet on which one of the Pharaohs wrote a love letter, asking the +hand of a foreign princess, is to-day in the British Museum. + +The first time a woman cries after she is married, she reads over all +the love letters the other men have written her, for a love letter is +something a tender-hearted woman cannot bring herself to destroy. + +[Sidenote: The New Child] + +The love letters of the man she did not marry still possess lingering +interest. The letters of many a successful man of affairs are still +hidden in the treasure-box of the woman he loved, but did not marry. +Both have formed other ties and children have risen up to call them +blessed, or whatever the children may please, for even more dreadful +than the new woman is the new child. Between them, they are likely to +produce a new man. + +The new child is apt to find the letters and read them aloud to the +wrong people, being most successfully unexpected and inopportune. A box +of old letters, distributed sparingly at the doors of mutual friends, is +the distinguishing feature of a lovely game called "playing postman." +Social upheavals have occurred from so small a cause as this. + +It sometimes happens, too, that when a girl has promised to marry a man +and the wedding day is set, she receives from a mutual friend a package +of faded letters and a note which runs something like this: + +"My Dear: + +"Now that my old friend's wedding day is approaching, I feel that I have +no longer the right to keep his letters. They are too beautiful and +tender to be burned and I have not the heart to make that disposition of +them. Were I to return them to him, he would doubtless toss them into +the fire, and I cannot bear to have them lost. + +"So, after thinking about it for some time, I have concluded to send +them to you, who are the rightful keeper of his happiness, as well as of +his letters. I trust that you may find a place for these among those +which he has addressed to you. Wishing you all happiness in the future, +believe me to be + +"Very sincerely and affectionately yours." + +[Sidenote: On the Firing Line] + +The dainty and appropriate wedding gift is not often shown to the happy +man, but every page and every line is carefully read. Now and then the +bride-elect advances boldly to the firing line and writes a letter of +thanks after this fashion: + +"It is very sweet and thoughtful of you, my dear friend, to send me the +letters. Of course I shall keep them in with mine, though I have but +few, for the dear boy has never been able to leave me for more than a +day, since first we met. + +"Long before we became engaged, he made me a present of your letters to +him, which he said were well worth the reading, and indeed, I have +found them so. I shall arrange them according to date and sequence, +though I observe that you have written much more often than he--I +suppose because we foolish women can never say all we want to in one +letter and are compelled to add postscripts, sometimes days apart. + +"Believe me, I fully appreciate your wishes for our happiness. I trust +you may come to us often and see how your hopes are fulfilled. With many +thanks for your loving thought of me, as ever, + +Affectionately yours." + +[Sidenote: If a Girl is in Love] + +If a girl is in love, she carries the last letter inside her shirt-waist +in the day time, and puts it under her pillow at night, thereby +expecting dreams of the beloved. + +But the dispenser of nocturnal visions delights in joking, and though +impalpable arms may seem to surround the sleeping spinster and a tender +kiss may be imprinted upon her lips, it is not once in seventeen days +that the caresses are bestowed by the writer of the letter. It is a +politician whose distorted picture has appeared in the evening paper, +some man the girl despises, the postman, or worse yet, the tramp who has +begged bread at the door. + +[Sidenote: When a Man is in Love] + +When a man is in love, he carries the girl's last letter in his pocket +until he has answered it and has another to take its place. He stoops to +no such superstition as placing it under his pillow. Neither is it read +as often as his letters to her. + +A woman never really writes to the man she loves. She simply records her +fleeting moods--her caprice, her tenderness, and her dreams. Because of +this, she is often misunderstood. If the letter of to-day is different +from that of yesterday, her lover, in his heart at least, accuses her of +fickleness. + +A man's letters to a girl are very frequently shown to her most intimate +friend, if they are sufficiently ardent, but a man never shows the +letters of a woman he truly cares for, unless he feels the need of some +other masculine intellect to assist him in comprehending the lady of his +heart. + +"Nothing feeds the flame like a letter. It has intent, personality, +secrecy." But that is love indeed which stands the test of long +separation--and letters. + +[Sidenote: A Single Drop of Ink] + +With a single drop of ink for a mirror, the old Egyptian sorcerer +promised to reveal the past and foretell the future. The single drop of +ink with which a lover writes may sadly change the blissful future of +which he dreams. + +The written word is so sadly different from that which is spoken! The +malicious demon concealed in the ink bottle delights in wrecking love. +Misunderstandings and long silences follow in rapid succession, +tenderness changes to coldness, and love to bitter regret. + +Someone has said that the true test of congeniality is not a matter of +tastes, but of humour. If two people find the same things amusing, their +comradeship is a foregone conclusion, but even so, it requires unusual +insight to distinguish the playful parts of a letter from the serious +passages. If the separated lovers would escape the pit of destruction, +let all jokes be plainly marked with a cross or a star. + +A letter is an unfair thing. It follows its own mood blindly without +reference to others. If penned in sadness it often makes a sunny day a +cloudy one, and if written in jest it may be as inopportune as mirth at +a funeral. + +[Sidenote: Misunderstood] + +A letter betraying anger and hurt pride may often crystallise a yielding +mood into determination and summon evil spirits which love cannot +banish. The letter asking forgiveness may cross the path of the one +which puts an end to everything. It would seriously test the power of +the Egyptian to foretell what might result from a single letter, written +in all love and tenderness, perhaps, but destined to be completely +misunderstood. + +Old love letters often mean tears, because they have been so wrongly +read. Later years, with fine irony, sometimes bring new understanding of +the loving heart behind the faulty lines. After all, it is the +inexpressible atmosphere of a letter which is felt, rather than the +meaning which the phrases ostensibly convey. + + +[Sidenote: The Postman] + +Tender secrets are concealed in the weather-worn bag of the postman. The +lovers may hide their hearts from all but him. Parents, guardians, and +even mature maiden aunts may be successfully diverted, but not the +postman! + +He knows that the girl who eagerly watches for him in the morning has +more than a passing interest in the mail. He knows where her lover is, +how often he writes, when she should have a letter, and whether all is +well. + +Sometimes, too, he knows that it is better to take a single letter to +the house three or four times in succession, rather than to leave it in +the hands of one to whom it is not addressed. + +Blessed be the countless Cupids in the uniform of the postal service! +The little blind god is wont to assume strange forms, apparently at +will. But no stern parent could suspect that his sightless eyes were +concealed behind the spectacles of a sedate postman, nor that his wicked +arrows were hidden under piles of letters. + +The uninitiated wonder "what there is to write about." A man may have +seen a girl the evening before, and yet a bulky letter comes in the +afternoon. And what mysterious interest can make one write three or four +times a week? + +Where is the girl whose love letter was left in pawn because she could +not find her purse? The grizzled veteran never collects the "two cents +due" on the love letters that are a little overweight. He would not put +a value upon anything so precious, and he is seldom a cynic--perhaps +because, more than anyone else, he is the dispenser of daily joy. + +The reading of old love letters is in some way associated with +hair-cloth trunks, mysterious attics, and rainy days. The writers may be +unknown and the hands that laid them away long since returned to dust, +but the interest still remains. + +[Sidenote: Dead Roses] + +Dead roses crumble to ashes in the gentle fingers that open the long +folded pages--the violets of a forgotten spring impart a delicate +fragrance to the yellowed spot on which they lay. The ink is faded and +the letter much worn, as though it had lain next to some youthful +breast, to be read in silence and solitude until the tender words were +graven upon the heart in the exquisite script of Memory. + +The phrasing has a peculiar quaintness, old fashioned, perhaps, but with +a grace and dignity all its own. Through the formal, stately sentences +the hidden sweetness creeps like the crimson vine upon the autumn +leaves. Brave hearts they had, those lovers of the past, who were making +a new country in the wilderness, and yet there was an unsuspected +softness--the other "soul side" which even a hero may have, "to show a +woman when he loves her." + +There are other treasures to be found with the letters--old +daguerreotypes, in ornate cases, showing the girlish, sweet face of her +who is a grandmother now, or perhaps a soldier in the trappings of war, +the first of a valiant line. + +There are songs which are never sung, save as a quavering lullaby to +some mite who will never remember the tune, and fragments of nocturnes +or simple melodies, which awaken the past as surely as the lost shell +brings to the traveller inland the surge and thunder of the distant sea. + +[Sidenote: The Mysteries of Life and Death] + +All the mysteries of life and death are woven in with the letters; those +pathetic remembrances which the years may fade but never destroy. There +are old school books, dog-eared and musty, scraps of rich brocade and +rustling taffeta, the yellowed sampler which was the daily trial of +some little maid, and the first white robe of someone who has grown +children of his own. + +[Sidenote: Memory's Singing] + +Give Memory an old love letter and listen to her singing. There is quiet +at first, as though she were waiting for some step to die away, or some +childish laughter to cease. Then there is a hushed arpeggio, struck from +strings which are old and worn, but sweet and tender still. + +Sometimes the song is of an old farmhouse on the western plains, where +life meant struggle and bitter privation. Brothers and sisters, in the +torn, faded clothes which were all they had; father's tremulous "God +bless you," when someone went away. Mother's never-ending toil, and the +day when her roughened hands were crossed upon her breast, at rest for +the first time, while the children cried in wonder and fear. + +Then the plaintive minor swells for a moment into the full major chord, +when Love, the King, in royal purple, took possession of the desolate +land. Corn huskings and the sound of "Money Musk," scarlet ears and +stolen kisses under the harvest moon, youth and laughter, and the +eternal, wavering hope for better things. Long years of toil, with +interludes of peace and divine content, little voices, and sometimes a +little grave. Separation and estrangement, trust and misgiving, +heartache and defeat. + +[Sidenote: A Magic in the Strings] + +The tears may start at Memory's singing, but as the song goes on there +comes peace, for there is a magic in the strings which changes sadness +into something sweet. Memory's eyes are deep and tender and her heart is +full of compassion. So the old love letters bring happiness after +all--like the smile which sometimes rests upon the faces of the dead. + + + + +An Inquiry into Marriage + +[Illustration] + + + + +An Inquiry into Marriage + + +[Sidenote: Like a Grape] + +Marriage appears to be somewhat like a grape. People swallow a great +deal of indifferent good for the sake of the lurking bit of sweetness +and never know until it is too late whether the venture was wise. + +Chaucer compared it to a crowded church. Those left on the outside are +eager to get in, and those caught inside are straining every nerve to +get out. There are many, in this year of grace, who have safely made +their escape, but, unfortunately, the happy ones inside say little about +it, and do not seem anxious to get out. + +Fate takes great pleasure in confusing the inquiring spinster. Some of +the disappointed ones will advise her never to attempt it, and in the +voluble justification which follows, she sees clearly that the discord +was not entirely caused by the other. Her friends, who have been married +a year or so, regard her with evident pity, and occasionally suggest, +delicately enough, to be sure, that she could never have had a proposal. + +[Sidenote: The Consistent Lady] + +Among her married friends who are more mature, there is usually one who +chooses her for a confidant. This consistent lady will sob out her +unhappiness on the girl's shoulder, and the next week ask her why she +doesn't get married. Sometimes she invites the girl to her house to meet +some new and attractive man--with the memory of those bitter tears still +in her heart. + +A girl often loses a friend by heartily endorsing the things the weeper +says of her husband. The fact that he is an inconsiderate brute is +frequently confided to the kindly surface of a clean shirt-waist, +regardless of laundry bills. The girl remarks dispassionately that she +has noticed it; that he never considers the happiness of his wife, and +she doesn't see how the tearful one stands it. Behold the instant and +painful transformation! It is very hard to be a popular spinster when +one has many married friends. + +That interesting pessimist, Herr Arthur Schopenhauer, advocates +universal polygamy upon the theory that all women would thus be +supported. To the unprejudiced observer who reads the comic papers and +goes to afternoon receptions, it would seem that each woman should have +several husbands, to pay her bills and see that she is suitably escorted +to various social affairs. + +[Sidenote: Seven Husbands] + +If a woman had seven husbands, for instance, it is possible that some +one of them would be willing to take her out whenever she wanted to go. +If she yearned for a sealskin coat or a diamond pin and no one of them +was equal to the occasion, a collection could be taken up. Two or three +might contribute to the good cause and be so beautifully rewarded with +smiles and favourite dishes that the remainder of the husbands would be +inspired to do something in the same line. + +At least five of them could go out every night in the week. The matter +could be arranged according to a simple system of rotation, or they +might draw lots. There could be a club-room in the house, where they +might smoke without affecting the curtains and Madam's temper. Politics +and poker make more widows than war, but no woman could find it in her +heart to object to the innocent pastime under such happy circumstances, +because she would be deprived of nothing--not even her husband's +society. Six of them might play, while the other read to their wife, and +those who won could buy some lovely new china for the house. + +The sweetness of the lady of their several hearts would be increased +seven-fold, while her frowns would be equally divided among them. There +would be a large and enviable freedom accorded everyone. There would +always be enough at home so dinner need not wait, and Madam would be +spared one great annoyance. If the servants left suddenly, as is not +unusual, there would be men enough to cook a dinner Epicurus might envy, +each one using his own chafing-dish. Men make better cooks than women +because they put so much more feeling into it. + +The spirit of gentle rivalry, which would thus be developed, is well +worth considering. Some one of the seven would always be a lover. To +sustain the old relation continuously after marriage undoubtedly +requires gifts of tact and temperament which are not often vouchsafed +to men, and this would not prove so irksome if the tender obligation +were shared. Marriage would no longer be the cold potato of love. + +Different men always admire different qualities of the same woman, and +the beauty of the much-married lady would be developed far beyond that +of her who had only one husband, because a recognised virtue is +stimulated. + +If a man admires a woman's teeth, she gets new kinds of dentifrice and +constantly endeavours to add to their whiteness. If he speaks +approvingly of her hair, various tonics are purchased. If he alludes to +her mellow voice, she tries conscientiously to make it more beautiful +still. + +There is a suspected but not verified relation between a man's affection +and his digestion. With this ideal method of marriage in force, the +dyspeptics could go off by themselves until they felt better, and not be +bothered with tender inquiries concerning their health. If the latch key +unaccountably refused to work at two o'clock in the morning, some other +member of the husband could always assist the absent ones in, and Madam +would never know how many were late. + +[Sidenote: The Financial Burden] + +The financial burden would indeed be light. The household expenses might +be divided equally and relieving the wife's necessities would be the +happiness of all. One might assume the responsibility of her gowns, +another of her hats and gloves, another might keep her supplied with +bonbons, matinee tickets, flowers, and silk stockings, another might +attend to her jackets and her club dues, her jewels might be the care of +another, and so on. It would be the joy of all of them to see their +peerless wife well dressed, and when she wanted anything in particular, +she need only smile sweetly upon the one whose happy lot it was to have +charge of that department of expense. + +There would be no friction, no discord. Madam would be blissfully +content, and men have claimed for years that they could live together +much more amicably than women, and that they never quarrel among +themselves, save in rare instances. This, they say, is because they are +so liberal in their views, but a great many men are so broad-minded that +it makes their heads flat. + +It is strange that this happy form of polygamy did not occur to Herr +Schopenhauer. It may be because he was a pessimist--and a man. + +[Sidenote: The Most Nervous Time] + +The most nervous time of a man's life is the day of his wedding. The +bachelors and benedicts give different reasons for this when they are +gently approached upon the subject, but the majority admit, with lovable +and refreshing conceit, that it is because of their innate modesty and +their aversion to conspicuous prominence. + +If this is truly the reason, the widespread fear may be much lessened, +for in the grand matrimonial pageant, the man is the most obscure member +of the procession. People are not apt to think of him at all until the +ceremony is over and the girl has a new name. What he wears is of no +consequence, and he has no wedding gifts, though he may be remembered +for a moment if he gives a diamond star to the bride. Yet it is this +ceremony which changes him from a vassal to a king. Before marriage he +is a low and useless trump, but afterward he is ace high in the game. + +[Sidenote: A Trip Down Town] + +A latter-day philosopher has beautifully likened marriage to a trip +down-town. A man leaves the house in the morning, his mind already +active concerning the affairs of the day. His newspaper is in his +pocket, he has plenty of time to reach the office, and his breakfast has +begun to assimilate. Suddenly he sees a yellow speck on the horizon. + +He calculates the distance to the corner and quickens his pace, his eyes +nobly fixed meanwhile upon the goal of his ambition. Anxiety develops, +then fear. At last he surrenders all dignity and gallops madly toward +the approaching car, with his coat tails spread to the morning breeze +and tears in his eyes. Out of breath, but triumphant, he swings on just +as farther pursuit seemed well-nigh hopeless. + +Does he stop to chat cheerily with the conductor? Does he dwell upon the +luxurious aspect of his conveyance? Does the comfort which he has just +secured fill his heart with gladness? Does the plush covering of the +seat appeal to his aesthetic sense? No mere woman may ever hope to know, +for he grudgingly gives the conductor five pennies, one of them badly +battered and the date beaten out of it--and devotes himself to his +paper. + +[Sidenote: The Masculine Mental Process] + +The thing which appears unattainable is ever desired by man. A girl who +wears an engagement ring upon her finger has a charm for which the +unattached sigh in vain. The masculine mental process in such a case, +briefly summarised, is something like this. + +I. "Wonder who that girl is over there? Red hair and quite a bit of +style. Never cared much for red hair--suppose she's got freckles too. +Now she's coming this way. Why, there's a solitaire on her finger; she's +engaged. Well, he can have her--I won't cut him out. Wonder who she is! + +II. "Really, she isn't so bad--I've seen worse. She knows how to dress, +and she hasn't so many freckles. Brown eyes--that means temper when +associated with red hair. Must be quite a little trick to tame a girl +like that. She doesn't look as though she were quite subdued. + +III. "He probably doesn't know how to manage her. I could train her all +right. I wouldn't mind doing it; I haven't anything much on hand in the +girl line. So that's the cad she's engaged to? Poor little girl! + +IV. "I feel sorry for that girl, I honestly do. She's throwing herself +away. She can't love that fellow. She'll get over it when she's married, +and be miserable all the rest of her life. I suppose I ought to save her +from him. I think I'll talk to her about it, but it will have to be done +cautiously. + +V. "Fine young woman, that. Broad-minded, bright, vivacious, and not +half bad to look at. Seemed to take my advice in good part. Those great, +deep brown eyes are pathetic. That's the kind of a girl to be shielded +and guarded from all the hard knocks in the world. + +VI. "The more I see of that girl, the more I think of her. Those Frenchy +touches of dress and that superb red hair make her beautiful. I always +did like red hair. Honestly, I think she's the prettiest girl I ever +saw. And her womanliness matches her beauty. Any man might be proud of +winning a girl like that. + +VII. "The irony of Fate! The one soul in all the universe that is deep +enough to comprehend mine, the peerless queen of womankind, she for +whom I have waited all my life, is pledged to another! I shall go mad if +I bear this any longer. I simply must have her. 'All is fair in love and +war'--I'll go and ask her!" + +[Sidenote: Gold-Brick Tactics] + +When one man alludes to another as a "confidence man," it is no +distinguishing mark, for they instinctively adopt gold-brick tactics +when seeking woman in marriage. + +Those exquisite hands shall never perform a single menial task! Yet, +after marriage, Her Ladyship finds that she is expected to be a cook, +nurse, housekeeper, seamstress, chambermaid, waitress, and practical +plumber. This is an unconscious tribute to the versatility of woman, +since a man thinks he does well if he is a specialist in any one line. + +Her slightest wish shall be his law! Yet not only are wishes of no +avail, but even pleading and prayer fall upon deaf ears. It will be his +delight to see that she wants for nothing, yet she is reduced to the +necessity of asking for money--even for carfare--and a man will do for +his bicycle what his wife would ask in vain. + +Many of the matrimonial infelicities of which both men and women +bitterly complain may be traced to the gold-brick delusion. A woman +marries in the hope of having a lover and discovers, too late, that she +merely has a boarder who is most difficult to please. + +[Sidenote: A Certain Pitiful Change] + +There is a certain pitiful change which comes with marriage. The sound +of her voice would thrill him to his finger-tips, the touch of her hand +make his throat ache, and the light in her eyes set the blood to singing +in his veins. With possession, ecstasy changes to content, and the +loving woman, dreaming that she may again find what she has so strangely +lost, tries to waken the old feeling by pathetic little ways which women +read at once, but men never know anything about. + +In a way, woman is to blame, but not so much. Her superior insight +should give her a better understanding of courtship. A man may mean what +he says--at the time he says it--but men and seasons change. + +[Sidenote: Value and Proportion] + +The happiness of the after-years depends largely upon her sense of value +and proportion. No woman of artistic judgment would crowd her rooms +with bric-a-brac, even though comfort were not lacking. Pictures hung +together so closely that the frames touch lose beauty. Space has +distinct value, and solid colours, judiciously used, create a harmony +impossible to obtain by the continuous use of figured fabrics. + +Yet many a woman whose house is a model of taste, whose rooms are +spacious and restful, insists upon crowding her marriage with the +bric-a-brac of violent affection. She is not content with undecorated +spaces; with interludes of friendship and the appreciation which is +felt, rather than spoken. She demands the constant assurances, the +unfailing devotion of the lover, and thus loses her atmosphere--and her +content. + +It seems to be a settled thing that men shall do the courting before +marriage and women afterward. Nobody writes articles on "How to Make a +Wife Happy," and the innumerable cook books, like an army of +grasshoppers, consume and devastate the land. + +If women did not demand so much, men in general would be more +thoughtful. If it were understood that even after marriage man was +still to be the lover, the one who sent roses to his sweetheart would +sometimes bring them to his wife. The pretty courtesies would not so +often be forgotten. + +[Sidenote: The Tender Thought] + +If the tender thought were in some way shown, and the loving word which +leaps to the lips were never forced back, but always spoken, marriage +and even life itself would take on new beauty and charm. If a woman has +daily evidence of a man's devotion, no matter in how small a way, her +hunger and thirst for love are bountifully assuaged. Misunderstandings +rapidly grow into coldness and neglect, and foolish woman, blind with +love, adopts retribution and recrimination as her weapons. There are a +great many men who love their wives simply because they know they would +be scalped if they didn't. + +Making an issue of a little thing is one of the surest ways to spoil +happiness. One's personal pride is felt to be vitally injured by +surrender, but there is no quality of human nature so nearly royal as +the ability to yield gracefully. It shows small confidence in one's own +nature to fear that compromise lessens self-control. To consider +constantly the comfort and happiness of another is not a sign of +weakness but of strength. + +[Sidenote: Spoiled Children] + +Too many men and women are only spoiled children at heart. The little +maid of five or six takes her doll and goes home because her playmates +have been unkind. Twenty years later she packs her trunk and goes to her +mother's because of some quarrel which had an equally childish +beginning. + +But the hurts of the after-years are not so easily healed. The children +kiss and make up no later than the next day, but, grown to manhood and +womanhood, they consider it far beneath their dignity and importance to +say "Forgive me," and thus proceed to the matrimonial garbage box by way +of the divorce court. + +Lovers are wont to consider a marriage license a free ticket to +Paradise. Sometimes happiness may be freely given by the dispenser of +earthly blessings, but it is more often bought. It is a matter of +temperament rather than circumstance, and is to be had only by the two +who work for it together, forgiving, forgetting, graciously yielding, +and looking forward to the perfect understanding which will surely +come. + +Matches are not all made in heaven. Even the parlour variety sometimes +smell of brimstone, and Cupid is blamed for many which are made by +cupidity. The gossips and the busybodies would die of mal-nutrition were +it not for marriage and its complications. + +[Sidenote: The Tabbies] + +Two people who have quarrelled cheerfully before marriage and whose +engagement has been broken three or four times often surprise the +tabbies who prophesy misfortune by settling down into post-nuptial +content. Two who are universally pronounced to be "perfectly suited to +each other" are soon absolutely miserable. Marriage is the one thing +which everyone knows more about than people who are intimately +concerned. + +[Sidenote: "Unequal Marriages"] + +We hear a great deal of "unequal marriages," not merely in degree of +fortune, but in taste and mental equipment. A man steeped to his +finger-tips in the lore of the ancients chooses a pretty butterfly who +does not know the difference between a hieroglyph and a Greek verb, and +to whom Rome and Carthage are empty names. His friends predict misery, +and wonder at his blindness in passing by the young woman of equal +outward charm who delivered a scholarly thesis at her commencement and +has the degree of Master of Arts. + +A talented woman marries a man without proportionate gifts and the +tabbies call a special session. It is decided at this conclave that "she +is throwing herself away and will regret it." To everyone's surprise, +she is occasionally very happy with the man she has chosen, though about +some things of no particular importance she knows much more than he. + +The law of compensation is as certain in its action as that of +gravitation, though it is not so widely understood. Nature demands +balance and equality. She is constantly chiselling at the mountain to +lower it to the level of the plain, and welding heterogeneous elements +into homogeneous groups. + +[Sidenote: The Certain Instinct] + +The pretty butterfly may easily prove a balance wheel to the man of much +wisdom. She will add a vivid human interest to his abstract pursuits and +keep him from growing narrow-minded. He chose the element he needed to +make him symmetrical, with the certain instinct which impels isolated +atoms of hydrogen and oxygen to combine in the proportion of two to one. + +It never occurs to the tabbies that no talent or facility can ever +stifle a woman's nature. The simple need of her heart is never taken +into account in the criticism of these marriages which are deemed +"unequal." If a woman holds an assistant professorship of mathematics in +a university, it is a foregone conclusion that she should fall in love +with someone who is proficient in trigonometry and holds his tangents +and cosines in high esteem. Happy evenings could then be spent with a +book of logarithms and sheets of paper specially cut to accommodate a +problem. + +Similarity of tastes may sometimes prove an attraction, but very seldom +similarity of pursuit. Musicians do not often intermarry, and artists +and writers are more apt to choose each other than exponents of their +own cult. + +[Sidenote: Appreciation and Accomplishment] + +It is not surprising if a man who is passionately fond of music falls in +love with a woman who has a magnificent voice, or a power which amounts +to magic over the strings of her violin. Appreciation is as essential +to happiness as accomplishment, and when the two are balanced in +marriage, comradeship is inevitable. An artist may marry a woman who +does not understand his pictures, but if she had not appreciated him in +ways more vital to his happiness, there would have been no marriage. + +It is pathetic to see what marriage sometimes is, compared with what it +might be--to see it degraded to the level of a business transaction when +it was meant to be infinitely above the sordid touch of the dollar and +the dime. It is a perverted instinct which leads one to marry for money, +for it will not buy happiness, though it may secure an imitation which +pleases some people for a little while. + +There is nothing so beautiful as a girl's dream of her marriage, and +nothing so sad as the same girl, if Time brings her disillusion instead +of the true marriage which is "a mutual concord and agreement of souls, +a harmony in which discord is not even imagined; the uniting of two +mornings that hope to reach the night together." + +The world is full of pain and danger for those who face it alone, and +home, that sanctuary where one may find strength and new courage, must +be built upon a foundation of mutual helpfulness and trust. No one can +make a home alone. It needs a man's strong hands, a woman's tender +hands, and two true hearts. + +[Sidenote: The Light upon the Altar] + +The light which shines upon the bridal altar is either the white flame +of eternal devotion or the sacrificial fire which preys hungrily upon +someone's disappointment and someone's broken heart. But to the utter +rout of the cynic, the dream which led the two souls thither sometimes +becomes divinely true. + +Marriage is said to be sufficient "career" for any woman, and it is +equally true of men. Like Emerson's vision of friendship, it is fit "not +only for serene days and pleasant rambles, but for all the passages of +life and death." + +It is to make one the stronger because one does not have to go alone. It +is to make one's joy the sweeter because it is shared. It is to take the +sting away from grief because it is divided, and the dear comfort of the +other's love lies forever around the sore and doubting heart. + +[Sidenote: Fire and Snow] + +It is to be the light in the darkness, the belief in the distrust, the +never-failing source of consolation. It is to be the gentlest of +forgiveness for all of one's mistakes--strength and tenderness, passion +and purity, the fire and the snow. + +It is to make one generous to all the world with one's sympathy and +compassion, because in the sanctuary there is no lack of love. It is +"the joining together of two souls for life, to strengthen each other in +all peril, to rest on each other in all sorrow, to minister to each +other in all pain, to be one with each other in silent, unspeakable +memories at the moment of the last parting." + + + + +The Physiology of Vanity + +[Illustration] + + + + +The Physiology of Vanity + + +[Sidenote: Conceit and Vanity] + +"Vanity of vanities, all is vanity!" It is the common human emotion, the +root of the personal equation, the battling residuum in the last +analysis of social chemistry. There is a wide difference between conceit +and vanity. Conceit is lovable and unconcealed; vanity is supreme +selfishness, usually hidden. Conceit is based upon an unselfish desire +to please; vanity takes no thought of others which is not based upon +egotism. + +Vanity and jealousy are closely allied, while conceit is a natural +development of altruistic virtue. Conceit is the mildest of vices; +vanity is the worst. Men are usually conceited but infrequently vain, +while women are seldom afflicted with the lesser vice. + +Man's conceit is the simplest form of self-appreciation. He thinks he is +extremely good-looking, as men go; that he has seen the world; that he +is a good judge of dinners and of human nature; that he is one of the +few men who may easily charm a woman. + +The limits of man's conceit are usually in full view, but eye nor +opera-glass has not yet approached the end of woman's vanity. The +disease is contagious, and the men who suffer from it are usually those +whose chosen companions are women. + +Woman's vanity is a development of her insatiate thirst for love. Her +smiles and tears are all-powerful with her lover, and nothing goes so +quickly to a woman's head as a sense of power. She forever defies the +Salic law--each woman feels that her rightful place is upon a throne. + +[Sidenote: The One Object] + +The one object of woman's life is the acquirement of power through love. +It is because this power is freely recognised by the men who seek her in +marriage that her vanity seldom has full scope until after she is +married. + +[Sidenote: The Destroyer] + +After marriage, a great many women begin the slow process of alienating +a man from his family, blind to the fact that by lessening his love for +others, they add nothing to their own store. The filial and fraternal +love is not to be given to anyone but mother and sisters--they have no +place in a man's heart that another woman could fill. The destroyer +simply obliterates that part of his life and offers nothing in its +place. + +The achievement sometimes takes years, but it is none the less sure. +Later, it may be extended to father and brothers, but they are always +the last to be considered. + +It is most difficult of all to break the tie which binds a man to his +mother. The one who bore him is not faultless, for motherhood brings new +gifts of feeling, sometimes sacrificing judgment and clear vision to +selfish unselfishness. It is only in fiction and poetry that such love +is valued now, for the divine blindness which does not question, which +asks only the right to give, has lost beauty in our age of reason and +restraint. + +He had thought that face the most beautiful in all the world--until he +fell in love. Now he sees his mother as she is; a wrinkled old woman, +perverse, unreasonable, and inclined to meddle with his domestic +affairs. The hands that soothed his childish fretting are no longer +lovely. Inattention to small details of dress, which he never noticed +before, are painfully evident. The eyes that have watched him all his +life with loving anxiety, shining with pride at his success and +softening with tenderest pity at his mistakes, are subtly different now. +He wonders at his blindness. It is strange, indeed, that he has not +realised all this before. + +[Sidenote: The Awakening] + +To most men the awakening comes too late if it comes at all. Only when +the faded eyes are closed and the worn hands folded forever; when +"mother" is beyond the reach of praise or blame, her married boy +realises what has been done. With that first shock comes bitterest +repentance--and he never forgives his wife. Many a woman who complains +of "coldness" and "lost love" might trace it back to the day her +husband's mother died, and to the sudden flash of insight, the +adjustment of relation, which comes with death. + +The comic papers have made the mother-in-law a thing to be dreaded. She +is the poster attached to the matrimonial magazine which inspires +would-be purchasers with awe. Many an engaged girl confides to her best +friend that her fiance's mother is "an old cat." She usually goes still +further, and gives jealousy as the cause of it. + +No right-minded mother was ever jealous of the woman her son chose for +his wife. But she has seen how marriage changes men and naturally fears +the result. The altar is the grave of many a boy's love for his mother. +Neither of the women most intimately concerned is blind to the impending +possibilities; it is only man who cannot see. + +[Sidenote: One in a Thousand] + +There are some girls who realise what it means, but they are few and far +between. One in a thousand, perhaps, will openly acknowledge her debt to +the woman who for twenty-five or thirty years has given her best thought +to the man she is about to marry. + +Is he strong and active, healthy and finely moulded? It is his mother's +care for the first sixteen years of his life. It is the result of her +anxious days and of many a sleepless night, while the potential man was +racked with fever and childish ills. His chivalrous devotion to the girl +he loves is wholly due to his mother's influence. His clean and +open-hearted manliness is a free gift to her, from the woman now +characterised as "an old cat." + +It is seldom that the mother receives credit for his virtues, but she is +invariably blamed for his faults. Too many women expect a man to be cut +out by their pattern. The supreme mental achievement is the ability to +judge other people by their own standards, and a crank is not +necessarily a person whose rules of life and conduct do not coincide +with our own. + +[Sidenote: The Thirst for Power] + +To this thirst for power may be traced all of woman's vanity. It is +commonly supposed that she dresses to please others, but she often +values fine raiment principally because it shows how much her husband +thinks of her. If a man's coat is shiny at the seams and he postpones +the new one that his wife may have an extra hat, she is delicately +flattered by this unselfish tribute to her charm. + +From a single root vanity spreads and flowers until its poisonous blooms +affect all social life. A woman becomes vain of her house, her rugs, her +tapestries, her jewels, horses, and even of the livery of her footman. +The things which should be valued for their intrinsic beauty and the +pleasure-giving quality, which is not by any means selfish, soon become +food for a vice. + +She gradually grows to consider herself a very superior person. She is +so charming and so much to be desired, that some man works night and day +in his office, sacrificing both pleasure and rest, that she may have the +baubles for which she yearns. + +It is not far from absolute self-satisfaction, in either man or woman, +to generous bestowal of enlightenment upon the unfortunate savages who +linger on the outskirts of one's social sphere. + +In the infinite vastness of creation, where innumerable worlds move +according to the fiat of majestic Law, there lies one called Earth. +There are planets within reach of the scientific vision of its +inhabitants that are many times larger. There are some which have more +moons, more mountains and rivers, longer days, and longer years. +Countless suns, the centres of other vast planetary systems, lie in the +inconceivable distances beyond. + +[Sidenote: A Mote in the Sun] + +In the midst of this unspeakable greatness, Earth swings like one of the +motes which a passing sunbeam illumines. Upon this mote, one fifth of +the inhabitants have assumed supreme knowledge and understanding, given +them, doubtless, because of their innate superiority. This preferment, +also, is theirs by the grace of an infinitely just and merciful God. + +The other four fifths are supposedly in total darkness, though the same +heavens are over their heads, the same earth under their feet, and +though the light of sun and moon and the gentle radiance of the stars +are freely given to all. + +There are the same opportunities for development and civilisation, but +they have not received The Enlightenment. To them must go the foreign +missionaries, to teach the things which have been graciously given them +on account of their innate superiority. + +[Sidenote: Narrowing Circles] + +Man's life is a succession of narrowing circles. He admits the force of +the heliocentric idea, for it is the sun which gives light and heat. +Then the circle narrows, almost imperceptibly, for, of all the planets +which circle around the sun, is not Earth the chief? + +This point being gained, he is inside the geocentric circle. Earth is +the centre of creation. Sun, moon, and stars are auxiliary forces, +bountifully arranged by the Giver of all Good for Earth's beauty and +comfort. Of all the creatures who share in this, is not man the most +important? Thus he retreats to the anthropocentric circle. + +[Sidenote: By Strength of Mind and Arm] + +Man is the centre of organic life, and it is easily seen that his race +is far superior to the others. Their skins are not the same colour, +their ships are not so mighty, their cunning with weapons is infinitely +less. His race is dominant by strength of mind and arm. + +The dark-skinned races must be taught civilisation, with fire and sword, +with cannon and bayonet, with crime and death. They must be civilised +before they can be happy. The naked savage who sits beneath a palm tree, +with his hut in the distance, while his wife and children hover around +him, is happy only because he is too ignorant to know what happiness is. + +In order to be rightly happy, he must have a fine house, carriages, and +servants, and live in a crowded city where tall buildings and smoke +limit one's horizon to a narrow patch of blue. He must struggle daily +with his fellows, not for the necessaries of life, but for small pieces +of silver and bits of green paper, which are not nearly as pretty as +glass beads. + +The savage, unaccustomed to refinement, stabs or beheads his enemy. +Civilisation will teach him the uses of poison, and that putting typhoid +germs into the drinking water of an Emperor is much more delicate and +fully as effectual. + +[Sidenote: The Sublime Egotism] + +From this small circle, it is only a step to the centre and to that +sublime egotism which has been named Vanity. + +Man repeats in his own life the development of a nation. He progresses +from unquestioning happiness to childish inquiry and wonder, from fairy +tales of princes and dragons to actual knowledge; through inquiry to +doubt, through faith to disbelief, through civilisation to decay. + +He is not content to let other nations and others races pursue their +normal development. He insists that the work of centuries be crowded +into a generation. And in the same manner, the growth and strivings of +his fellows call forth his unselfish aid. Having infinite treasures of +mental equipment, gained by superior opportunity and wider experience, +he will generously share his noble possessions. + +[Sidenote: Personal Vanity] + +It is personal vanity of the most flagrant type which intrudes itself, +unasked, into other people's affairs. There are few of us who do not +feel capable of ordering the daily lives of others, down to the most +minute detail. + +We know how their houses should be arranged, how they should spend and +invest their money, how they should dress, how they should comport +themselves, and more definitely yet do we know the things they should +not do. We know what is right and what is wrong, while they, poor +things! do not. We know whom and when they should marry, how their +children should be educated and trained, and what servants they should +employ. + +We know for what pursuit each one is best fitted and how each should +occupy his spare time. We know to what church all should go; what creed +all should believe. We know what particular traits are faults and how +these can be corrected. We know so much about other people that we often +have not time to give due attention to ourselves. We neglect our own +affairs that we may unselfishly direct others, and sometimes suffer in +consequence, for nobody but a lawyer makes a good living by attending to +other people's business. + +[Sidenote: Theoretically] + +Theoretically, this should be pleasing to each one. Every person of +sense should be delighted at being told just what to do. It would +relieve him from all care, all responsibility; the necessity for +thought, planning, and individual judgment would be wholly removed. + +The musical student would not have to select his own instrument, his own +teacher, nor even his own practice time. Every author would know just +how and when to write, and in order to become famous, he need only act +upon the suggestions for stories and improvement of style which are +gratuitously given him from day to day, by people who cannot write a +clear and correct sentence. This thing actually happened; consequently +it is just the theme for fiction. This plot, suitably developed, would +make the nations sit up, and send the race by hundred thousands to the +corner bookstore. + +The cares incident to selecting a wardrobe would be wholly removed. +Every woman knows how every other should dress. Her sure taste selects +at a glance the thing which will best become the other, and over which +the Unenlightened may ponder for hours. + +[Sidenote: A Common Vanity] + +There is no more common vanity than claiming to "know" some particular +person. We are "all things to all men." The two who love each other +better than all the world beside, have much knowledge, but it is not by +any means complete. "Souls reach out to each other across the impassable +gulfs of individual being." And yet, daily, people who have no sympathy +with us, and scarcely a common interest, will assume to "know" us, when +we do not fully know ourselves, and when we earnestly hide our real +selves from all save the single soul we love. + +To assume intimate knowledge of the hundred considerations which make up +a single situation, the various complexities of temperament and +disposition which the personal equation continually produces in human +affairs, of the imperceptible fibres of the web which lies between two +souls, preventing always the fullest understanding, unless Love, the +magician, gives new sight--amounts to the proclamation of practical +Omnipotence. + +[Sidenote: "I Told You So"] + +There is no position in life which is secure. No complication ever comes +to our friends, which our advice, acted upon, would not immediately +solve. If our most minute directions are not thankfully received and put +into effect, there is always the comforting indication of +superiority--"I told you so." + +And when the jaded soul revolts in supreme defiance, declaring its right +to its own life, its own duties, its own friendships, and its own loves, +there is much expressed disgust, much misfortune predicted, and, saddest +of all, much wounded vanity. + +The dominant egotism forbids that anything shall be better than itself. +No success is comparable to one's own, no life so wisely ordered, and +there is nothing so sad as the fame attained by those who do not follow +our advice. + +Adversity is commonly accepted as the test of friendship, but there is +another more certain still--success. Anyone may bestow pity. It is +fatally easy to offer to those less fortunate than ourselves; whose +capabilities have not proved adequate, as ours have; but it requires +fine gifts of generous feeling to be genuinely glad at another's good +fortune, in which we cannot by any possibility hope to share. + +[Sidenote: Advice] + +Advice is usually to be had for the asking. In the case of a corporation +attorney or a specialist, there is a high value placed upon it, but it +is to be freely had from those who love us, and, strangely enough, from +those who do not. + +It is one of the blessings of love, that all the experience of another, +all the battles of the other soul, are laid open for our better +understanding of our own path. But there is a subtle distinction between +the counsel of love and that of vanity. The one is unselfishly glad of +our achievements, taking new delight in every step upward, while the +other passes over triumphs in silence and carps upon the misfortune +until it is not to be borne. + +From the intimate union of two loving souls, Vanity is forever shut out. +Jealousy dare not show her malignant face. These two are facing the +world together, side by side and shoulder to shoulder, each the other's +strength and shield. + +Success may come only after many failures; the tide may not turn till +after long discouragement and great despair. But in the union with that +other soul, so gently baring its inmost dream that the other may +understand, defeat loses its sting. + +[Sidenote: The Sanctuary of that Other Soul] + +Ambition forever beckons, like a will o' the wisp. When realisation +seems within easy reach, the dream fades, or another, seemingly +unattainable, mockingly takes its place. But in the sanctuary of that +other soul, there is always new courage to be found. Long aisles and +quiet spaces lessen the fever and the unrest. Darkness and cool shadows +soothe the burning eyes, and in the clasp of those loving arms there is +certain sleep. + +Vanity cares for nothing which is not in some way its own, and it is +perhaps an amorphous vanity, as carbon is akin to a diamond, that makes +a hard-won victory doubly dear. + +There are always sycophants to fawn and flatter, there are hands that +will gladly help that they may claim their share of the result, but that +realised dream is wholly sweet in which only the dreamer and the other +soul have fully believed. Failure, even, is more easily borne if it is +entirely one's own; if there is no one else to be blamed. + +[Sidenote: The Bitter Proof] + +"Vanity of vanities, all is vanity." So spake the prophet in Jerusalem +and the centuries have brought the bitter proof. Vanity has reared +palaces which have vanished like the architecture of a mirage. Vanity +has led the hosts against itself. + +Where are Babylon and Nineveh; the hanging gardens and the splendour of +forgotten kings? Where are Caesar and Cleopatra; Trianon and Marie +Antoinette? Where is the lordly Empire of France? Is it buried with +military honours, in the grave of the exiled Napoleon? + +Vanity's pomp endureth for a day, but Vanity itself is perennial. Vanity +sets whole races of men in motion, pitting them against each other +across intervening seas. + +One woman has a stone, no larger than a pea, brought from a mine in +South Africa. Vanity sets it proudly upon her breast and leads other +women to envy her its possession, for purely selfish reasons. One +woman's gown is made from a plant which grows in Georgia and she is +unhappy because it is not the product of a French or Japanese worm. + +One woman's coat is woven from the covering of a sheep, and she is not +content because it has not cost a greater number of silver pieces and +more bits of green paper, besides the life of an Arctic seal, that never +harmed her nor hers. + +Vanity allows a tender-hearted woman, who cannot see a child or a dumb +brute in pain, to order the tails of her horses cut to the fashionable +length and to wear upon her hat the pitiful little body of a song-bird +that has been skinned alive. + +Vanity permits a woman to trim the outer garments of the little stranger +for whose coming she has long waited and prayed, with pretty, fluffy fur +torn from the unborn baby of another mother--who is only a sheep. Vanity +permits a woman to insist that her combs and pins shall be real +tortoise-shell, which is obtained from the quivering animal by roasting +it alive before a slow fire. + +[Sidenote: All is Vanity] + +"Vanity of vanities, all is vanity!" The mad race still goes on. It is +insatiate vanity which wrecks lives, ruins homes, torments one's +fellows, and blinds the clear vision of its victims. It harms others, +but most of all one's self. + +[Sidenote: The Conqueror] + +There is only one place from which it is shut out--from the union with +that other soul. Great as it is, there is still a greater force; there +is the inevitable conqueror, for Vanity cannot exist side by side with +Love. + + + + +Widowers and Widows + +[Illustration] + + + + +Widowers and Widows + + +Next to burglars, mice, and green worms, every normal girl fears a +widow. Courtships have been upset and expected proposals have vanished +into thin air, simply because a widow has come into the game. There is +only one thing to do in such a case; retreat gracefully, and leave the +field to her. + +[Sidenote: The Charm] + +A widow's degree of blandishment is conservatively estimated at +twenty-five spinster power. At almost every session of spinsters, the +question comes up for discussion. It is difficult to see just where the +charm lies. + +A widow has, of course, a superior knowledge of ways and means. She has +fully learned the value of silence, of food, and of judicious flattery. +But these accomplishments may be acquired by the observing spinster who +gives due attention to the subject. + +The mystery lies deeper than is first suspected. It is possible that the +knowledge of her own limitations has something to do with it. A girl +who has been flattered, adored, placed upon a pedestal and worshipped, +naturally comes to the conclusion that she belongs there. She issues her +commands from that height and conveys to man various delicate reminders +of his servility. + +[Sidenote: The Pedestal Idea] + +When the same girl is married and by due operation of natural law +becomes a widow, she doubtless has come to a better understanding of the +pedestal idea. Hence she does not attempt the impossible, and satisfies +herself with working those miracles which are comparatively simple. + +A widow has all of the freedom of a girl, combined with the liberty of a +married woman. She has the secure social position of a matron without +the drawback of a husband. She is nearer absolute independence than +other women are ever known to be. + +Where a girl is strong and self-reliant, a widow is helpless and +confiding. She can never carry her own parcels, put on her own +overshoes, or button her own gloves. A widow's shoe laces have never +been known to stay tied for any length of time, unless she has shapeless +ankles and expansive feet. + +A widow's telegrams must always be taken to the office by some man. +Time-tables are beyond her understanding and she never knows about +trains. It frequently takes three or four men to launch a widow upon a +two-hundred-mile journey, while a girl can start across the continent +with considerably less commotion. + +[Sidenote: The Inference] + +The inference is, of course, that she has been accustomed to these +delicate attentions--that the dear departed has always done such things. +The pretty way in which she asks favours carries out the delusion. He +would be a brute, indeed, who could refuse the little service for which +she pleads. + +The dear departed, naturally, was delighted to do these things, or he +would not have done them--such being the way of the married man. +Consequently, the lady was very tenderly loved--and men follow each +other like sheep in matters of the heart. + +The attraction a widower has for a girl is in inverse proportion to a +widow's influence over a man. It is true that the second wife is usually +better treated than the first, and that the new occupant of a man's +heart reaps the benefit of her predecessor's training. But it is not +until spinsterhood is fully confirmed by grey hair and the family Bible +that a girl begins to look with favour upon the army of the detached. + +[Sidenote: The Food of her Soul] + +It seems to her that all the romance is necessarily gone--and it is +romance upon which her soul feeds. There can be none of that dear +delight in the first home building, which is the most beautiful part of +marriage to a girl. Her pretty concern about draperies and colours is +all an old story to the man. She may even have to buy her kitchen ware +all alone, and it is considered the nicest thing in the world to have a +man along when pots and pans are bought. + +If widowers and widows would only mate with each other, instead of +trespassing upon the hunting grounds of the unmarried! It is an +exceptional case in which the bereaved are not mutually wary. They seem +to prefer the unfair advantage gained by having all the experience on +one side. + +The normal man proposes with ease and carelessness, but the ceremony is +second nature to a widower. If he meets a girl he likes, he proceeds at +once to business and is slow indeed for his kind if he does not offer +his hand and heart within a week. + +A clever man once wrote a story, describing the coming of a girl to a +widower's house. With care and forethought, the dying wife had left a +letter for her successor, which the man fearlessly gave her before she +had taken off her hat, because, as the story-teller naievely adds, "she +was twenty-eight and very sane." + +[Sidenote: A Nice Letter] + +This letter proved to be various admonitions to the bride and earnest +hopes that she might make her husband happy. It was all very pretty and +it was surely a nice letter, but no woman could fail to see that it was +an exquisite revenge upon the man who had been rash enough to install +another in the place of the dead. + +There was not a line which was not kind, nor a word which did not +contain a hidden sting. It would be enough to make one shudder all one's +life--this hand of welcome extended from the grave. Yet everything +continued happily--perhaps because a man wrote the story. + +A woman demands not only all of a man's life, but all of his thoughts +after she is dead. The grave may hide much, but not that particular +quality in woman's nature. If it is common to leave letters for +succeeding wives, it is done with sinister purpose. + +Romance is usually considered an attribute of youth, and possibly the +years bring views of marriage which are impossible to the younger +generation. No girl, in her wildest moments, ever dreams of marrying a +widower with three or four children, yet, when she is well on in her +thirties, with her heart still unsatisfied, she often does that very +thing, and happily at that. + +[Sidenote: The Hidden Heartache] + +Still, there must be a hidden heartache, for woman, with her love of +love, is unable to understand the series of distinct and unrelated +episodes which make up the love of a man. It is hard to take the crumbs +another woman has left, especially if a goodly portion of a man's heart +is suspected to lie in the grave. + +It is harder still, if helpless children are daily to look into her +face, with eyes which are neither hers nor his, and the supreme +crucifixion in the life of a woman whose ideals have not changed, is to +go into a home which has been made by the hands of a dead and dearly +loved wife. + +To a woman, material things are always heavily laden with memories. +There is not a single article of furniture which has not its own +individuality. She cannot consider a piece of embroidery apart from the +dead hands that made it, nor a chair without some association with its +previous occupants. + +Sometimes the rooms are heavily laden with portraits which are to +confront her from day to day with the taunting presence. She is obliged +to tell callers that the crayon upon the opposite wall is "the first +Mrs. ----." There are also pictures of the first wife's dead children, +and here and there the inevitable photograph, of years gone by, of bride +and groom in wedding garments--the man sitting down, of course, while +his wife stands behind him, as a servant might, with her hand upon his +chair. + +[Sidenote: Day by Day] + +Day by day, those eyes are fixed upon her in stern judgment. Her +failings and her conscious virtues are forever before that other woman. +Her tears and her laughter are alike subjected to that remorseless +scrutiny. + +[Sidenote: A Sheeted Spectre] + +Does she dare to forget and be happy? The other woman looks down upon +her like a sheeted spectre conveying a solemn warning. "You may die," +those pictured lips seem to say, "and some other will take your place, +as you have taken mine." When the tactlessness, bad temper, or general +mulishness of man wrings unwilling tears from her eyes, there is no +sympathy to be gained from that impalpable presence. "You should not +have married him," the picture seems to say, or; "He treated me the same +way, and I died." + +She is not to be blamed if she fancies that her husband also feels the +presence of the other. As she pours his coffee in the morning and he +looks upon her with the fond glance which men bestow upon women about to +give them food, she may easily imagine that he sees the other in her +place. Even the clasp of her hand or the touch of her lips may bring a +longing for that other, hidden in the far-off grave. + +Broadly speaking, widowers make better husbands than widows do wives. +The presence of the dead wife may be a taunting memory, but seldom +more. It is not often that she is spoken of, unless it is to praise her +cooking. If she made incomparable biscuits and her coffee was fit to be +the nectar of the gods, there are apt to be frequent and tactless +comparisons, until painful experience teaches the sinner that this will +not do. + +[Sidenote: "A Shining Mark"] + +On the contrary, a widow's second husband is often the most sincere +mourner of her first. As time goes on, he realises keenly what a doleful +day it was for him when that other died. "Death loves a shining mark," +and that first husband was always such a paragon of perfection that it +seems like an inadvertence because he was permitted to glorify this +sodden sphere at all. She keeps, in heart at least, and often by outward +observance, the anniversaries of her former engagement and marriage. The +love letters of the dead are put away with her jewels and bits of real +lace. + +Small defections are commented upon and odious parallels drawn. Her home +is seen to be miserably inadequate beside the one she once had. Her +supply of pin money is painfully small, judged by the standard which has +hitherto been her guide. Callers are entertained with anecdotes of "my +first husband," and her dinner table is graced with the same stories +that famous raconteur was wont to tell. + +If her present husband pays her a compliment, he is reminded that his +predecessor was accustomed to say the same thing. The relatives of the +first wife are gently made aware that their acquaintance is not desired. +His manner of life is carefully renovated and his old friendships put +away with moth balls and camphor, never to see the light again. + +[Sidenote: The Best Advertisement] + +Yet the best possible advertisement of matrimony is the rapidity with +which the bereaved seek new mates. There is no more delicate compliment +to a first marriage than a second alliance, even when divorce, rather +than death, has been the separating agency. A divorced man has more +power to charm than a widower, because there is always the supposition +that he was not understood and that his life's happiness is still to +come. + +[Sidenote: Forgetting] + +Forgetting is the finest art of life and is to be desired more than +memory, even though Mnemosyne stands close by Lethe and with her dewy +finger-tips soothes away all pain. The lowest life remembers; to the +highest only is it given to forget. + +Yet, when the last word is said, this is the dread and the pity of +death. It is not "the breathless darkness and the narrow house," but the +certain knowledge that one's place can almost instantly be filled. The +lips that quiver with sobs will some day smile again, eyes dimmed by +long weeping will dance with laughter, hearts that once ached bitterly +will some day swell and overflow with a new love. + +This knowledge lies heavily upon a woman's soul and saddens, though +often imperceptibly, the happiest marriage. All her toil and striving +may some day be for naught. The fruits of her industry and thrift may +some day gleam in jewels upon the white throat of another woman. Silks +and laces which she could not have will add to the beauty of the +possible woman who will ascend her vacant throne. + +Sometimes a woman remains faithful to a memory, and sometimes, though +rarely, a man may do the same. There is only one relation in life which +may not be formed again--that between a mother and her child. + +[Sidenote: The Child Upon Her Breast] + +The little one may have lived but a few days, yet, if it has once lain +upon her breast, she has something Death may never hope to destroy. +Other children, equally dear, may grow to stalwart manhood and gracious +womanhood, but that face rises to immortality in a world of endless +change. + +No single cry, no weak clasp of baby fingers is ever forgotten. Through +all the years, unchanging, and taking on new beauty with every fleeting +day, the little face is still before her. And thus in a way Death brings +her a blessing, for when the others have grown she has it still--the +child upon her breast. + +Love's best gifts are not to be taken away. Tender memories must always +be inwoven with the sad, and the sympathy and unselfishness which great +loves ever bring are left to make sweet the nature of one who is +chastened by sorrow. Grief itself never stings; it is the accusing +conscience which turns the dagger remorselessly in the heart. + +[Sidenote: Our unsuspected Kindness] + +Life, after all, is a masquerade. We fear to show our tenderness and our +love. We habitually hide our best feelings, lest we be judged weak and +emotional, and unfit for the age in which it is our privilege to move. +Sometimes it needs Death to show us ourselves and to teach our friends +our deep and unsuspected kindness. + +The woman who hungers throughout her marriage for the daily expression +of her husband's love, often looks longingly towards the day to come, +when hot tears will fall upon her upturned face and that for which she +has vainly thirsted will be laid upon her silent lips. But swiftly upon +the vision comes the thought, that even so, it would be of short +duration; that the newly awakened love would soon be the portion of +someone else. + +It would be a beautiful world, indeed, if we were not at such pains to +hide our real selves--if all our kindly thoughts were spoken and all our +generous deeds were done. No one of us would think of Death as our best +friend, if we were not all so bitterly unkind. Yet we put into white +fingers the roses for which the living might have pleaded in vain, and +too often, with streaming eyes, we ask pardon of the dead. + +[Sidenote: Atonement] + +Atonement is not to be made thus. A costly monument in a public square +is tardy appreciation of a genius whose generation refused him bread. A +man's tears upon a woman's hands are not enough, when all her life she +has prayed for his love. + +There is no law so unrelenting as that of compensation. Gravitation +itself may be more successfully defied. It is the one thing which is +absolutely just and which is universal in its action, though sometimes +as slow as the majestic forces which change rock to dust. + +We cannot have more joy than we give--nor more pain. The eternal balance +swings true. The capacity for enjoyment and the capacity for suffering +are one and the same. He who lives out of reach of sorrow has sacrificed +his possible ecstasy. "He has seen only half the universe who has not +been shown the House of Pain." + +[Sidenote: Emerson's "Compensation"] + +"And yet the compensations of calamity are made apparent to the +understanding also after long intervals of time. A fever, a mutilation, +a cruel disappointment, a loss of friends, seems at the moment unpaid +loss and unpayable. But the sure years reveal the deep remedial force +that underlies all facts. The death of a dear friend, wife, brother, +lover, which seemed nothing but privation, somewhat later assumes the +aspect of a guide or genius; for it commonly operates revolutions in our +way of life, terminating an epoch of infancy or youth which was waiting +to be closed, breaks up a wonted occupation or a household or style of +living, and allows the formation of new ones more friendly to the growth +of character. It permits or constrains the formation of new +acquaintances, and the reception of new influences that prove of the +first importance to the next years; and the man or woman who would have +remained a sunny garden flower, with no room for its roots and too much +sunshine for its head, by the falling of the walls and the neglect of +the gardener is made the banian of the forest, yielding shade and fruit +to wide neighbourhoods of men." + +[Sidenote: Upon the Upland Ways] + +That life alone is worth the living which sets itself upon the upland +ways. To steel one's self against joy to be spared the inevitable hurt, +is not life. We are afraid of love, because the might and terror of it +has sometimes brought despair. We are afraid of belief, because our +trust has been betrayed. We are afraid of death, because we have seen +forgetfulness. + +We should not fear that someone might take our place in the heart that +loves us best--if we were only loved enough. The same love is never +given twice; it differs in quality if not in degree, and when once made +one's own, is never to be lost. + +There are some natures whose happiness is a matter of persons and +things; some to love and some to be loved; the daily needs amply +satisfied, and that is enough for content. + +There are others with whom persons and things do not suffice, whose love +is vital, elemental, and indestructible. It has no beginning and no end; +it simply is. With this the Grey Angel has no power; the grave is robbed +of its victory and death of its sting. + +"Love never denied Death and Death will not deny Love." When the bond is +of that finer sort which does not rely upon presence for its permanence, +there is little bereavement to be felt. For mutely, like a guardian +angel, that other may live with us still; not as a shadowy presence, +but rather as a dear reality. + +That little mound of earth upon the distant hill, over which the sun and +stars pass in endless sequence, and where the quiet is unbroken through +the change of spring to autumn, and the change of autumn to spring, has +not the power to destroy love, but rather to make it more sure. + +The one who sleeps is forever beyond the reach of doubt and +misunderstanding. Separation, estrangement, and bitterness, which are +sometimes concealed in the cup that Life and Love have given, are +forever taken out by Death, who is never cruel and who is often kind. + +[Sidenote: The Wanderer's Rest] + +We tread upon earth and revile it, forgetting that at last it hides our +defects and that through it our dead hearts climb to blossom in violets +and rue. Death is the Wanderer's Rest, where there is no questioning, +but the same healing sleep for all. In that divine peace, there is no +room for regret, since the earthly loves are sure of immortality. + +[Sidenote: While the Dream Seemed True] + +As much as is vital will live on, unchanging, changeless, and taking on +new sweetness with the years. That which is not wholly given, which is +ours only for a little time, will fade as surely as the roses in the +marble hands. Death has saved many a heartache, by coming while the +dream still seemed true. + +In a single passage, Emerson has voiced the undying beauty and the +everlasting truth which lie beneath the perplexities of life. + +"Oh, believe as thou livest, that every sound which is spoken over the +round world, which thou oughtest to hear, will vibrate on thine ear. +Every proverb, every book, every byword which belongs to thee for aid or +comfort, shall surely come home, through open or winding passages. Every +friend, whom not thy fantastic will, but the great and tender heart in +thee craveth, shall lock thee in his embrace. And this, because the +heart in thee is the heart of all; not a valve, not a wall, not an +intersection is there anywhere in nature, but one blood rolls +uninterruptedly an endless circulation through all men, as the water of +the globe is all one sea, and, truly seen, its tide is one." + +[Sidenote: The Everlasting Love] + +Sometimes, into two hearts great enough to hold it, and into two souls +where it may forever abide, there comes the Everlasting Love. It is +elemental, like fire and the sea, with the depth and splendour of the +surge and the glory of the flame. It makes the world a vast cathedral, +in which they two may worship, and where, even in the darkness, there is +the peace which passeth all understanding, because it is of God. + +When the time of parting comes, for there is always that turning in the +road, the sadness is not so great because one must go on alone. Life +grows beautiful after a time and even wholly sweet, when a man and a +woman have so lived and loved and worked together, that death is not +good-bye, but rather--"auf wiedersehen." + + + + +The Consolations of Spinsterhood + +[Illustration] + + + + +The Consolations of Spinsterhood + + +[Sidenote: "A Great Miration"] + +The attached members of the community are wont to make what Uncle Remus +called "a great miration," when a woman deliberately chooses +spinsterhood as her lot in life, rather than marriage. + +There is an implied pity in their delicate inquiries, and always the +insinuation that the spinster in question could never have had an offer +of marriage. The husband of the lady leading the inquisition may have +been one of the spinster's first admirers, but it is never safe to say +so, for so simple a thing as this has been known to cause trouble in +families. + +If it is known positively that some man has offered her his name and his +troubles, and there is still no solitaire to be seen, the logical +hypothesis is charitably advanced, that she has been "disappointed in +love." It is possible for a spinster to be disappointed in lovers, but +only the married are ever disappointed in love. + +[Sidenote: A Cause of Stagnation] + +The married women who ask the questions and who, with gracious kindness, +hunt up attractive men for the unfortunate young woman to meet, are, all +unknowingly, one great cause of stagnation in the marriage-license +market. + +Nothing so pleases a woman safely inside the bonds of holy matrimony as +to confide her sorrows, her regrets, and her broken ideals to her +unattached friends. Many a woman thinks her ideal is broken when it is +only sprained, but the effect is the same. + +Was the coffee weak and were the waffles cold, and did Monsieur express +his opinion of such a breakfast in language more concise than elegant? +Madame weeps, and gives a lurid account of the event to the visiting +spinster. By any chance, does a girl go from her own dainty and orderly +room into an apartment strewn with masculine belongings, confounded upon +confusion such as Milton never dreamed? Does she have to wait while her +friend restores order to the chaos? If so, she puts it down in her +mental note-book, upon the page headed "Against." + +The small domestic irritations which crowd upon the attached woman from +day to day, leaving crow's feet around her eyes and delicate tracery in +her forehead, have a certain effect upon the observing. But worse than +this is the spectre of "the other woman," which haunts her friend from +day to day, to the grave--and after, if the dead could tell their +thoughts. + +If she has been safely shielded from books which were not written for +The Young Person, Mademoiselle believes that marriage is a bond which is +not to be broken except by death. It is a severe shock when she first +discovers that death changes nothing; that it is only life which +separates utterly. + +[Sidenote: That Pitiful Story] + +That pitiful story of "the other woman" comes from quarters which the +uninitiated would never suspect. With grim loyalty, married women hide +their hearts from each other. Many a smile conceals a tortured soul. +When the burden is no longer to be borne, a spinster is asked to share +it. + +A woman will forgive a man anything except disloyalty to herself. Crimes +which the law stands ready to punish rank as naught with her, if the +love between them is untarnished by doubt or mistrust. Any offence +prompted by her own charm, even a duel to the death with a rival suitor, +is easily condoned. But though God may be able to forgive disloyalty, in +her heart of hearts no woman ever can. + +[Sidenote: An Idle Flirtation] + +More often than not, it is simply an idle flirtation, or, at the most, a +passing fancy which the next week may prove transient and unreal. The +woman with the heartache will say, with wet eyes and quivering lips: "I +know, positively, that my husband has done nothing wrong. I would go to +the stake upon that belief. He is only weak and foolish and a little +vain, perhaps, and some day he will see his mistake, but I cannot bear +to see him compromise himself and me in the eyes of the world. Of +course, _I_ know," she will say, proudly, "but there are others who do +not,--who are always ready to suspect,--and I will not have them pity +me!" + +When nearly all the married friends a spinster has have come to her with +the same story, the variations being individual and of slight moment, +she begins to have serious doubts of matrimony as a satisfactory +career. Women who have been married five, ten, and even twenty years; +women with children grown and whom the world counts safely and happily +married, will sob bitterly in the embrace of the chosen girl friend. + +[Sidenote: Indifference] + +Indifference is the only counsel one has to offer, but even so, it +gradually becomes the first of the steppes upon the heart-way which lead +to an emotional Siberia. + +Of course there are women who are insanely jealous of their husbands, +and, more rarely, men who are jealous of their wives. Jealousy may be +explained as innate vanity and selfishness or as a defect in +temperament, but at any rate, it is a condition which is far past the +theoretical stage. + +It is hard for a spinster to understand why any woman should wish to +hold a man against his will. A dog who has to be kept chained, in order +to be retained as a pet, is never a very satisfactory possession. It +seems natural to apply the same reasoning to human affairs, for surely +no love is worth having which is not a free gift. + +No girl would feel particularly flattered by a proposal, if it were put +in this form: "Will you marry me? No one else will." Yet the same girl, +married, would gladly take her husband to a desert island, that she +might be sure of him forever. + +[Sidenote: Behind Prison Bars] + +Love which needs to be put behind prison bars, that it may not escape, +is not love, but attraction, fascination, or whatever the psychologists +may please. A man chooses his wife, not because there are no other +women, but in spite of them. It is a pathetic acknowledgment of his poor +judgment, if he lets the world suspect that his choice was wrong. + +There are some souls that hie them faraway from civilisation, to +convents, monasteries, and western plains, that they may keep away from +temptation. In the same fashion, woman tries to isolate her lord and +master. If he meets women at all, they are those invisibly labeled "not +dangerous." + +The world makes as many saints as sinners, and the man who needs to be +kept away from any sort of temptation is weak indeed. There are many of +his kind, but he is the better man in the end who meets it face to face, +fights with it like a soldier, and wins like a king. + +[Sidenote: The Thousand Foes] + +The mother of Sparta bade her son return with his shield or on it, and +the thought has potential might to-day. If a man honestly loves a woman, +she need have no fear of the thousand foes that wait to take him from +her. If he does not, the sooner she understands the truth, the better it +is for both. There are many people who consider love a dream, but they +usually grow to think of marriage as the cold breakfast. + +Men are but children of a larger growth. A small boy forgets his promise +to stay at home and tears madly down the street in the discordant wake +of a band. The same boy, in later years, will follow his impulses with +equal readiness, for he is taught conformity to outward laws, but very +seldom self-control. + +The fear of "the other woman" may be largely assuaged by a spinster's +confidence in her ability to cope with the difficult situation, should +it ever present itself, but there are other considerations which act as +a discouragement to matrimony. + +The chains of love may be sweet bondage, but freedom is hardly less +dear. The spinster, like the wind, may go where she listeth, and there +is no one to say her nay. A modern essayist has pointed out that "if a +mortal knows his mate cannot get away, he is apt to be severe and +unreasonable." + +The thought of being compelled to ask for money, and perhaps to meet +with refusal, frequently acts as a deterrent upon incipient love. A man +is often generous with his sweetheart and miserly with his wife. In the +days of courtship, the dollars may fly on wings in search of pleasure +for the well-beloved, and yet, after marriage, they will be squeezed +until the milling is worn smooth, the eyes start from the eagle, and +until one half-way expects to hear the noble bird scream. + +[Sidenote: Unlimited Credit] + +There are girls in every circle, married to men not by any means +insolvent, who have unlimited credit, but never any money of their own. +They have carriages but no car fare; fine stationery, monogrammed and +blazoned with a coat of arms, but not by any chance a postage stamp. + +Many a woman in such circumstances covenants with the tradespeople to +charge as merchandise what is really cash, and sells laces and ribbons +to her friends a little below cost. When a girl is approached with a +plea to have her purchases charged to her friend's account, and to pay +her friend rather than the merchant, is it not sufficient to postpone +possible matrimony at least six months? Adversity has no terrors for a +woman; she will gladly share misfortune with the man she loves, but +simple selfishness is a very different proposition. + +[Sidenote: "Wedded to their Art"] + +There are also the dazzling allurements offered by various "careers" +which bring fame and perhaps fortune. The glittering triumphs of a prima +donna, a picture on the line in the Salon, or a possible book which +shall sell into the hundred thousands, are not without a certain charm, +even though people who are "wedded to their art" sometimes get a divorce +without asking for it. + +The universal testimony of the great, that fame itself is barren, is +thrust aside as of small moment. She does not realise that it is love +for which she hungers, rather than fame, which is the admiration of the +many. Sometimes she learns that "the love of all is but a small thing to +the love of one" and that in a right marriage there would be no +conscious sacrifice. If she were not free to continue the work that she +loved, she would feel no deprivation. + +Happiness is often thrust aside because of her ideals. She demands all +things in a single man, forgetting that she, too, is human and not by +any means faultless. Some day, perhaps too late, she understands that +love and criticism lie far apart, that love brings beauty with it, and +that the marks of individuality are the very texture of charm, as the +splendour of the opal lies in its flaws. + +[Sidenote: The Vital Touch] + +There is always the doubt as to whether the seeker may be the one of all +the world to find the inmost places in her heart. Taste and temperament +may be akin, position and purpose in full accord, and yet the vital +touch may be lacking. Sometimes, in the after-years, it may be found by +two who seek for it patiently together, but too often dissonance grows +into discord and estrangement. + +The march of civilisation has done away with the odium which was +formerly the portion of the unattached woman. It is no disgrace to be a +spinster, and apparently it is fitting and proper to be an old maid, +since so many of them have "Mrs." on their cards, and since there are +so many narrow-minded and critical men who fully deserve the +appellation. + +There is no use in saying that any particular girl is a spinster from +necessity rather than choice. One has but to look at the peculiar +specimens of womankind who have married, to be certain that there is no +one on the wide earth who could not do so if she chose. + +[Sidenote: "A Discipline"] + +Some people are fond of alluding to marriage as "a discipline," and +sometimes a grey-haired matron will volunteer the information that "the +first years of marriage are anything but happy." To one who has hitherto +regarded it from a different point of view, the training-school idea is +not altogether attractive. + +Men and women who have been through it very seldom hold to their first +opinions. It is considered as a business arrangement, a social +contrivance, sometimes as an easy way to make money, but by very few as +the highest form of happiness. + +[Sidenote: Small Extravagances] + +The consolations of spinsterhood are mainly negative, but the minus sign +has its proper place in the personal equation. "The other woman" does +not exist for the spinster, save as a shadowy possibility. She is not +asked what she did with the nickel which was given her day before +yesterday, and thus forced to make confession of small extravagances, or +to reply, with such sweetness as she may muster, that she bought a lot +on a fashionable street with part of it, and has the remainder out at +interest. She does not have to stay at home from social affairs because +she has no escort, for the law has not apportioned to her a solitary +man, and she has a liberty of choice which is not accorded her married +friend. + +She is not subjected to the humiliation of asking a man for money to pay +for his own food, his own service, and even his own laundry bill. She +can usually earn her own, if the gods have not awarded her sufficient +gold, and there is no money which a woman spends so happily as that +which she has earned herself. + +The "career" lies before her, and she has only to choose the thing for +which she is best fitted, and work her way upward from the lowest ranks +to the position of a star of the first magnitude. Opportunity is but +another name for health, obstacles make firm stepping-stones, and that +which is dearly bought is by far the sweetest in the end. Of course +there are "strings to pull," but no one needs them. Success is more +lasting if it is won in an open field, without favour, and in spite of +generous measures of it bestowed upon the opposition. + +[Sidenote: The Greatest Consolation] + +But of all the consolations of spinsterhood, the greatest is this,--that +out of the dim and uncertain future, perchance in the guise of a +divorced man or a widower with four children, The Prince may yet come. + +"On his plain but trusty sword are these words only--Love and +Understand." Across the unsounded, estranging seas, with a whole world +lying immutably between, he, too, may be waiting for the revelation. He +may come as a knight of old, with banners, jewels, and flashing steel, +to the clarion ring of trumpet or cymbal, or softly, in the twilight, +like one whose presence is felt before it is made known. + +Out of the city streets The Prince may come, tired of the endless +struggle, when the tide of the human has beaten heavily upon his jaded +soul, or through the woods, with the silence of the forest still upon +him. His path may lie through an old garden, where marigold and larkspur +are thickly interwoven, and shadowy spikes of mignonette make all the +summer sweet, or through the frosty darkness, when the earth is dumb +with snow and the midnight stars have set the heavens ablaze with spires +of sapphire light. + +[Sidenote: At the First Meeting] + +Sometimes, at the first meeting The Prince is known, by that mysterious +alchemy which lies in the depths of the maiden soul and often, after +long waiting, a friend throws off his disguise and royalty stands +revealed. Sometimes he is the comrade of the far-off childish years, the +schoolmate of a later time, or someone whose hand has proved a strength +and solace in times of deepest grief. + +"To Love and Understand!" All else may be forgiven, if he has but these +two gifts, for they are as the crest and royal robe. Bare and empty his +hands may be, but these are the kingly rights. + +Slowly, and sometimes with a strange fear which makes her tremble, there +steals into her heart a great peace. With it comes infinite tenderness +and an unspeakable compassion, not only for him, but for all the world. +Love's laughter changes to questioning too deep for smiles or tears--the +boundless aspiration of the soul toward all things true. + +Playthings and tinsel are cast away. The music of the dance dies in +lingering, discordant fragments, and in its place comes the full tone of +an organ and the majestic movement of a symphony. The web of the daily +living grows beautiful in the new light, for the Hand that set the +pattern has been gently laid upon her loom. + +[Sidenote: Through all the Years to Come] + +Through all the years to come, they are to be together; he and she. +There will be no terror in the wilderness, no sting in poverty or +defeat--hunger and thirst can be forgotten. Wherever Destiny may point +the way, they are to fare together--he and she. + +Somewhere, in a world whose only shame is its uncleanliness, they two +are to make a home and keep the little space around them wholly clean. +Somewhere, they two will show the world that the old ideals are not +lost; that a man and a woman may still live together in supreme and +lasting content. Somewhere, too, they will teach anew the old lesson, +that it is unyielding Honour at the core of things that keeps them sound +and sweet. + +There is nothing in all life so beautiful as that first dream of Home; a +place where there is balm for the tortured soul, new courage for the +wavering soul, rest for the tired soul, and stronger trust for the soul +caught in the snares of doubt and disbelief--a place where one may be +wholly and joyfully one's self, where one's mistakes are never faults, +where pardon ever anticipates the asking, where love follows swiftly +upon understanding and understanding upon love. + +[Sidenote: The Sceptre of the King] + +"To Love and Understand!" He who holds the sceptre of the king may rule +right royally. There is solace for the tired traveller within the +cloister of that other heart, and the pitiful chains which some call +marriage would rust and decay at the entrance to that holy place. + +The spotless peace within the inner chamber is his alone. There his +motives are never questioned, nor his words distorted beyond their +meaning, and his daily purposes are ever read aright. + +The dream is forever centred upon the coming of The Prince. Sometimes, +with the grim irony of Fate, he is seen when both are bound--and there +are some who deem a heartache too great a price to pay for the +revelation. Now and then, after many years, he comes to claim his own. + +[Sidenote: The Grey Angel and the Prince] + +And sometimes, too, when one has long waited and prayed for his coming; +when the sight has grown dim with watching and the frosty rime of winter +has softly touched the dark hair, the Grey Angel takes pity and closes +the tired eyes. + +The lavender and the dead rose-leaves breathe a hushed fragrance from +the heaps of long-stored linen; the cricket and the tiny clock keep up +their cheery song, because they do not know their gentle mistress can no +longer hear. The slanting sunbeams of afternoon mark out a delicate +tracery upon the floor, and the shadow of the rose-geranium in the +window is silhouetted upon the opposite wall. And then, into the quiet +house, steals something which seems like an infinite calm. + +[Sidenote: The Exquisite Peace] + +But the dainty little lady who lies fast asleep, with the sun resting +caressingly upon her, has gained, in that mystical moment, both +understanding and love. For there comes an exquisite peace upon her--as +though she had found The Prince. + + +THE END. + + + + + +End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of The Spinster Book, by Myrtle Reed + +*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK THE SPINSTER BOOK *** + +***** This file should be named 18071.txt or 18071.zip ***** +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: + http://www.gutenberg.org/1/8/0/7/18071/ + +Produced by Susan Skinner and the Online Distributed +Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net + + +Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions +will be renamed. + +Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no +one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation +(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without +permission and without paying copyright royalties. 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