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diff --git a/17964-h/17964-h.htm b/17964-h/17964-h.htm new file mode 100644 index 0000000..0573ece --- /dev/null +++ b/17964-h/17964-h.htm @@ -0,0 +1,6981 @@ +<!DOCTYPE html PUBLIC "-//W3C//DTD XHTML 1.0 Strict//EN" + "http://www.w3.org/TR/xhtml1/DTD/xhtml1-strict.dtd"> + +<html xmlns="http://www.w3.org/1999/xhtml"> + <head> + <meta http-equiv="Content-Type" content="text/html;charset=iso-8859-1" /> + <title> + The Project Gutenberg eBook of Olympian Nights, by John Kendrick Bangs. + </title> + <style type="text/css"> +<!-- + p { margin-top: .75em; + text-align: justify; + margin-bottom: .75em; + } + h1,h2,h3,h4,h5,h6 { + text-align: center; /* all headings centered */ + clear: both; + } + hr { width: 33%; + margin-top: 2em; + margin-bottom: 2em; + margin-left: auto; + margin-right: auto; + clear: both; + } + + table {margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;} + + body{margin-left: 10%; + margin-right: 10%; + } + + .pagenum { /* uncomment the next line for invisible page numbers */ + /* visibility: hidden; */ + position: absolute; + left: 92%; + font-size: smaller; + text-align: right; + } /* page numbers */ + + .linenum {position: absolute; top: auto; left: 4%;} /* poetry number */ + .blockquot{margin-left: 5%; margin-right: 10%;} + .sidenote {width: 20%; padding-bottom: .5em; padding-top: .5em; + padding-left: .5em; padding-right: .5em; margin-left: 1em; + float: right; clear: right; margin-top: 1em; + font-size: smaller; color: black; background: #eeeeee; border: dashed 1px;} + + .bb {border-bottom: solid 2px;} + .bl {border-left: solid 2px;} + .bt {border-top: solid 2px;} + .br {border-right: solid 2px;} + .bbox {border: solid 2px; padding: 10px;} + + .center {text-align: center;} + .smcap {font-variant: small-caps;} + .u {text-decoration: underline;} + + .caption {font-weight: bold;} + + .figcenter {margin: auto; text-align: center;} + + .figleft {float: left; clear: left; margin-left: 0; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-top: + 1em; margin-right: 1em; padding: 0; text-align: center;} + + .figright {float: right; clear: right; margin-left: 1em; margin-bottom: 1em; + margin-top: 1em; margin-right: 0; padding: 0; text-align: center;} + + .footnotes {border: dashed 1px;} + .footnote {margin-left: 10%; margin-right: 10%; font-size: 0.9em;} + .footnote .label {position: absolute; right: 84%; text-align: right;} + .fnanchor {vertical-align: super; font-size: .8em; text-decoration: none;} + + .poem {margin-left:10%; margin-right:10%; text-align: left;} + .poem br {display: none;} + .poem .stanza {margin: 1em 0em 1em 0em;} + .poem span.i0 {display: block; margin-left: 0em; padding-left: 3em; text-indent: -3em;} + .poem span.i2 {display: block; margin-left: 2em; padding-left: 3em; text-indent: -3em;} + .poem span.i4 {display: block; margin-left: 4em; padding-left: 3em; text-indent: -3em;} + // --> + /* XML end >*/ + </style> + </head> +<body> + + +<pre> + +The Project Gutenberg EBook of Olympian Nights, by John Kendrick Bangs + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: Olympian Nights + +Author: John Kendrick Bangs + +Release Date: March 11, 2006 [EBook #17964] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1 + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK OLYMPIAN NIGHTS *** + + + + +Produced by Paul Good, Suzanne Shell and the Online +Distributed Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net + + + + + + +</pre> + + +<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Cover" id="Cover">[Cover]</a></span></p> +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 349px;"> + +<a href="images/image01h.jpg"> +<img src="images/image01.jpg" width="349" height="500" alt="Cover" title="" /></a> +</div> + + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 279px;"> +<span class='pagenum'><a name="Frontispiece" id="Frontispiece">[Frontispiece]</a></span> +<a href="images/image02h.jpg"> +<img src="images/image02.jpg" width="279" height="500" alt="BRANCH OFFICE OF MAMMON & CO." title="" /></a> +</div> + + +<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_2" id="Page_2">[Pg i]</a></span></p> +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 281px;"> +<a href="images/image03h.jpg"> +<img src="images/image03.jpg" width="281" height="500" alt="Title Page" title="" /></a> +<p><br /><br /></p> +</div> + + + +<h1>OLYMPIAN NIGHTS</h1> + +<h3>by</h3> + +<h2>JOHN KENDRICK BANGS</h2> + +<p class="center">Author of "A House-Boat on the Styx"<br /> +"The Pursuit of the House-Boat"<br /> +"The Enchanted Type-writer"<br /> +Etc. Etc.<br /><br /><br /></p> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 166px;"> +<img src="images/image04.jpg" width="166" height="166" alt="" title="" /> +<p><br /> +<br /></p> +</div> + +<p class="center">New York and London<br /> +Harper & Brothers Publishers</p> + +<p class="center">1902</p> + + +<hr style="width: 65%;" /> +<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_3" id="Page_3">[Pg ii]</a></span></p> +<p class="center"><span class="smcap">Harper & Brothers.</span></p> + +<p class="center">Published June, 1902. +</p> + + +<hr style="width: 65%;" /> +<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_4" id="Page_4">[Pg iii]</a></span></p> +<h2><a name="TOC" id="TOC"></a>CONTENTS</h2> + +<div class="centered"> +<table border="0" cellpadding="4" cellspacing="4" summary="Table Of Contents"> +<tr><td align='left'><small>CHAP.</small></td><td align='left'></td><td align="right"><small>PAGE</small></td></tr> + +<tr><td align='left'>I.</td> <td align='left'><span class="smcap">I Reach Mount Olympus</span></td><td align='right'><a href='#I'>1</a></td></tr> + +<tr><td align='left'>II.</td> <td align='left'><span class="smcap">I Seek Shelter and Find It</span></td><td align='right'><a href='#II'>17</a></td></tr> + +<tr><td align='left'>III.</td> <td align='left'><span class="smcap">The Elevator Boy</span></td><td align='right'><a href='#III'>33</a></td></tr> + +<tr><td align='left'>IV.</td> <td align='left'><span class="smcap">I Summon a Valet</span></td><td align='right'><a href='#IV'>53</a></td></tr> + +<tr><td align='left'>V.</td> <td align='left'><span class="smcap">The Olympian Links</span></td><td align='right'><a href='#V'>70</a></td></tr> + +<tr><td align='left'>VI.</td> <td align='left'><span class="smcap">In the Dining-Room</span></td><td align='right'><a href='#VI'>88</a></td></tr> + +<tr><td align='left'>VII.</td> <td align='left'><span class="smcap">Æsculapius, M.D.</span></td><td align='right'><a href='#VII'>110</a></td></tr> + +<tr><td align='left'>VIII.</td> <td align='left'><span class="smcap">At the Zoo</span></td><td align='right'><a href='#VIII'>131</a></td></tr> + +<tr><td align='left'>IX.</td> <td align='left'> <span class="smcap">Some Account of the Palace of Jupiter</span></td><td align='right'><a href='#IX'>155</a></td></tr> + +<tr><td align='left'>X.</td> <td align='left'><span class="smcap">An Extraordinary Interview</span></td><td align='right'><a href='#X'>175</a></td></tr> + +<tr><td align='left'>XI.</td> <td align='left'><span class="smcap">A Royal Outing</span></td><td align='right'><a href='#XI'>192</a></td></tr> + +<tr><td align='left'>XII.</td> <td align='left'><span class="smcap">I am Dismissed</span></td><td align='right'><a href='#XII'>212</a></td></tr> +</table> +</div> + + + + +<hr style="width: 65%;" /> +<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_6" id="Page_6">[Pg v]</a></span></p> +<h2><a name="ILLUSTRATIONS" id="ILLUSTRATIONS"></a>ILLUSTRATIONS</h2> + + +<div class="centered"> +<table border="0" cellpadding="4" cellspacing="4" summary="Illustrations"> + +<tr><td align='left'>BRANCH OFFICE OF MAMMON & CO.</td> +<td colspan="2" align='right'><a href='#Frontispiece'><i>Frontispiece</i></a></td> +</tr> + +<tr><td align='left'>HIPPOPOPOLIS EXPLAINS</td> +<td align='left'><i>Facing p.</i></td> +<td align='right'><a href='#Page_19'>8</a></td> +</tr> + +<tr><td align='left'>A DREAM OF BRIGANDAGE</td> +<td align='center'>"</td> +<td align='right'><a href='#Page_35'>22</a></td> +</tr> + +<tr><td align='left'>IN THE ELEVATOR</td> +<td align='center'>"</td> +<td align='right'><a href='#Page_44'>30</a></td> +</tr> + +<tr><td align='left'>"'THE GODDESS OF THE MOTHER-IN-LAW'"</td> +<td align='center'>"</td> +<td align='right'><a href='#Page_58'>42</a></td> +</tr> + +<tr><td align='left'>"ANYTHING COULD BE GOT FOR THE RINGING"</td> +<td align='center'>"</td> +<td align='right'><a href='#Page_78'>60</a></td> +</tr> + +<tr><td align='left'>"JUPITER HURLED A THUNDER-BOLT AT HIM"</td> +<td align='center'>"</td> +<td align='right'><a href='#Page_84'>64</a></td> +</tr> + +<tr><td align='left'>THE OLYMPIAN LINKS</td> +<td align='center'>"</td> +<td align='right'><a href='#Page_106'>84</a></td> +</tr> + +<tr><td align='left'>CARING FOR THE CALVES</td> +<td align='center'>"</td> +<td align='right'><a href='#Page_128'>104</a></td> +</tr> + +<tr><td align='left'>"'THEN YOU MUST DIE'"</td> +<td align='center'>"</td> +<td align='right'><a href='#Page_138'>112</a></td> +</tr> + +<tr><td align='left'>I VISIT ÆSCULAPIUS</td> +<td align='center'>"</td> +<td align='right'><a href='#Page_146'>118</a></td> +</tr> + +<tr><td align='left'>CALLISTO</td> +<td align='center'>"</td> +<td align='right'><a href='#Page_170'>140</a></td> +</tr> + +<tr><td align='left'>I MEET THE PHŒNIX</td> +<td align='center'>"</td> +<td align='right'><a href='#Page_182'>150</a></td> +</tr> + +<tr><td align='left'>"'THE CHAMPIONSHIP OF THE UNIVERSE'"</td> +<td align='center'>"</td> +<td align='right'><a href='#Page_200'>166</a></td> +</tr> + +<tr><td align='left'>"THE DOOR WAS LOCKED"</td> +<td align='center'>"</td> +<td align='right'><a href='#Page_216'>180</a></td> +</tr> + +<tr><td align='left'>"'WHAT?' I CRIED. 'I—THAT OLD MAN—WE'"</td> +<td align='center'>"</td> +<td align='right'><a href='#Page_228'>190</a></td> +</tr> +</table> +</div> + + +<hr style="width: 65%;" /><p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_10" id="Page_10">[Pg 1]</a></span></p> +<h2><a name="OLYMPIAN_NIGHTS" id="OLYMPIAN_NIGHTS"></a>OLYMPIAN NIGHTS</h2> +<p><br /><br /><br /><br /></p> + +<h2><a name="I" id="I"></a>I</h2> + +<h2>I Reach Mount Olympus</h2> + + +<p>While travelling through +the classic realms of Greece +some years ago, sincerely +desirous of discovering +the lurking-place of a certain war +which the newspapers of my own +country were describing with some +vividness, I chanced upon the base +of the far-famed Mount Olympus. +Night was coming on apace and +I was tired, having been led during +the day upon a wild-goose +chase by my guide, who had assured +me that he had definitely<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_11" id="Page_11">[Pg 2]</a></span> +located the scene of hostilities between +the Greeks and the Turks. +He had promised that for a consideration +I should witness a conflict +between the contending armies +which in its sanguinary aspects +should surpass anything the world +had yet known. Whether or not +it so happened that the armies had +been booked for a public exhibition +elsewhere, unknown to the talented +bandit who was acting as my courier, +I am not aware, but, as the event +transpired, the search was futile, +and another day was wasted. Most +annoying, too, was the fact that I +dared not manifest the impatience +which I naturally felt. I am not +remarkable as a specimen of the +strong man; quite the reverse indeed, +for, while I am by no means +a weakling, I am no adept in the +fistic art. Hence, when my guide, +Hippopopolis by name, as the sun +sank behind the western hills, informed<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_12" id="Page_12">[Pg 3]</a></span> +me that I was again to be +disappointed, the fact that he stands +six feet two in his stockings, when +he wears them, and has a pleasing +way of bending crowbars as a +pastime, led me to conceal the irritation +which I felt.</p> + +<p>"It's all right, Hippopopolis," I +said, swallowing my wrath. "It's +all right. We've had a good bit +of exercise, anyhow, and that, after +all, is the chief desideratum to +a man of a sedentary occupation. +How many miles have we walked?"</p> + +<p>"Oh, about forty-three," he said, +calmly. "A short distance, your +Excellency."</p> + +<p>"Very—very short," said I, rubbing +my aching calves. "In my +own country I make a practice of +walking at least a hundred every +day. It's quite a pleasing stroll +from my home in New York over to +Philadelphia and back. I hope I shall +be able to show it you some day."</p><p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_13" id="Page_13">[Pg 4]</a></span></p> + +<p>"It will be altogether charming, +Excellency," said he. "Shall we—ah—walk +back to Athens now, or +would you prefer to rest here for +the night?"</p> + +<p>"I—I guess I'll stay here, Hippopopolis," +I replied. "This seems +to be a very comfortable sort of a +mountain in front of us, and the +air is soft. Suppose we rest in the +soothing shade for the night? It +would be quite an adventure."</p> + +<p>"As your Excellency wishes," he +replied, tossing a bowlder into the +air and catching it with ease as it +came down. "It is not often done, +but it is for you to say."</p> + +<p>"What mountain is it, Hippopopolis?" +I asked, turning and gazing +at the eminence before us.</p> + +<p>"It is Mount Olympus," he answered.</p> + +<p>"What?" I cried. "Not the home +of the gods?"</p> + +<p>"The very same, your Excellency,"<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_14" id="Page_14">[Pg 5]</a></span> +he acquiesced. "At least, +that is the report. It is commonly +stated hereabouts that the god-trust +has its headquarters here. As for +myself, I have explored its every +nook and cranny, but I never saw +any gods on it. It's my private +opinion that they've moved away; +though there be those who claim +that it is still occupied by the former +rulers of destiny living incog. like +other well-born rogues who desire +to avoid notoriety."</p> + +<p>Hippopopolis is a decided democrat +in his views, and has less respect for +the King than he has for the peasant.</p> + +<p>"I shouldn't call them rogues exactly," +I ventured. "Some of 'em +were a pretty respectable lot. There +was Apollo and old Jupiter himself, +and—"</p> + +<p>"Oh, you can't tell me anything +about them," retorted Hippopopolis. +"I haven't been born and bred +in this country for nothing, your<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_15" id="Page_15">[Pg 6]</a></span> +Excellency. They were a bad lot +all through. Shall I prepare your +supper?"</p> + +<p>"If you please, Hippopopolis," +said I, throwing myself down beneath +a huge tree and giving myself +up to the reveries of the moment. +I did not deem it well to interpose +too strongly between Hippopopolis +and his views of the immortals just +then. He had always a glitter in +his eye when any one ventured to +controvert his assertions which made +a debate with him a thing to be apprehended. +Still, I did not exactly +like to yield, for, to tell the truth, +the Olympian folk have always interested +me hugely, and, while I +would not of course endorse any one +of them for a high public trust in +these days, I have admired them for +their many remarkable qualities.</p> + +<p>"Of course," said I, reverting to +the question a few moments later, +as Hippopopolis opened a box of<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_16" id="Page_16">[Pg 7]</a></span> +sardines and set the bread a-toasting +on the fire he had made. "Of +course, I should not venture to say +that I, a stranger, know as much +about the private habits of the gods +as do you, who have been their neighbor; +but that they are rogues is +news to me."</p> + +<p>"That may be, too," said Hippopopolis. +"People are often thought +more of by strangers than by their +own fellow-townsmen. Even you, +sir, I might suspect, who are by +these simple Greeks supposed to be +a sort of reigning sovereign in your +own country, are not at home, perhaps, +so large a hill of potatoes. So +with Jupiter and Apollo and Mercury, +and the ladies of the court. I +haven't a doubt that in the United +States you think Jupiter a remarkably +great man, and Apollo a musician, +and Mercury a gentleman +of some business capacity, but we +Greeks know better. And as for the<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_17" id="Page_17">[Pg 8]</a></span> +ladies—hum—well, your Excellency, +they are not received. They are too +bold and pushing. They lack the +refinements, and as for their beauty +and accomplishments—"</p> + +<p>Hippopopolis here indulged in a +gesture which betokened excessive +scorn of the beauty and accomplishments +of the ladies of Olympus.</p> + +<p>"You have never seen these people, +Hippopopolis?" I asked.</p> + +<p>"I have been spared that necessity," +said he, "but I know all about +them, and I assert to you upon my +honor as a courier and the best +guide in the Archipelago that Jupiter +is the worst old <i>roué</i> a country ever +had saddled upon it; Apollo's music +would drive you mad and make +you welcome a xylophone duet; +and as for Mercury's business capacity, +that is merely a capacity for +getting away from his creditors. +Why shouldn't a man wax rich if, +after floating a thousand bogus<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_18" id="Page_18">[Pg 9]</a></span> +corporations, selling the stock at +par and putting the money into +his own pocket, he could unfold +his wings and fly off into the empyrean, +leaving his stock and bond +holders to mourn their loss?"</p> + +<p><a name="Page_19" id="Page_19"></a></p> +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 500px;"> +<a href="images/image05h.jpg"> +<img src="images/image05.jpg" width="500" height="324" alt="HIPPOPOPOLIS EXPLAINS" title="" /></a> +</div> +<p><a name="Page_20" id="Page_20"></a></p> + +<p>"Excuse me, Hippopopolis," I put +in, interrupting him fearlessly for +the moment, "pray don't try to deceive +me by any such statement as +that. I don't know very much, but +I know something about Mercury, +and when you say he puts other +people's money into his pockets, I +am in a position to prove otherwise. +From five years of age up to the +present time I have been brought +up in a home where a bronze statue +of Mercury, said to be the most +perfect resemblance in all the statuary +of the world, classic or otherwise, +has been the most conspicuous ornament. +At ten I could reproduce +on paper with my pencil every line, +every shade, every curve, every<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_21" id="Page_21">[Pg 10]</a></span> +movement of the effigy in so far +as my artistic talent would permit, +and I know that Mercury not only +had no pocket, but wore no garments +in which even so little as a change +pocket could have been concealed. +Wherefore there must be some mistake +about your charge."</p> + +<p>Hippopopolis laughed.</p> + +<p>"Humph!" he said. "It is very +evident that you people over the +sea have very superficial notions of +things here. When Mercury posed +for that statue, like most of you +people who have your photographs +taken, he posed in full evening dress. +That is why there is so little of it +in evidence. But in his business +suit, Mercury is a very different +sort of a person. Even in Olympus +he'd have been ruled off the stock +exchange if he'd ventured to appear +there as scantily attired as he is +in most of his statuary appearances. +You certainly are not so green as to<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_22" id="Page_22">[Pg 11]</a></span> +suppose that that suit he wears in +his statues is the whole extent of +his wardrobe?"</p> + +<p>"I had supposed so," I confessed. +"It's a trifle unconventional; but, +then, he's one of the gods, and, I +presumed, could dress as he pleased. +Your gods are independent, I should +imagine, of the mere decrees of +fashion."</p> + +<p>"The more exalted one's position, +the greater the sartorial obligation," +retorted Hippopopolis, who, for a +Greek and a guide, had, as will +be seen, a vocabulary of most remarkable +range. "Just as it happens +that our King here, like H. R. H. the +Prince of Wales, has to +be provided with seven hundred +and sixty-eight suits of clothes so +as to be properly clad at the variety +of functions he is required to grace, +so does a god have to be provided +with a wardrobe of rare quality +and extent. For drawing-room tables,<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_23" id="Page_23">[Pg 12]</a></span> +mantel-pieces, and pedestals, +otherwise for statuary, Mercury can +go about clad in just about half +as much stuff as it would require +to cover a fairly sized sofa-cushion +and not arouse drastic criticism; +but when he goes to business he +is as well provided with pockets as +any other speculator."</p> + +<p>"Another idol shattered!" I cried, +in mock grief. "But Apollo, Hippopopolis—Apollo! +Do not tell me +he is not a virtuoso of rare technique +on the lyre!"</p> + +<p>"His technique is more than rare," +sneered Hippopopolis. "It is excessively +raw. It has been said by +men who have heard both that Nero +of Hades can do more to move an +audience with his fiddle with two +strings broken and his bow wrist +sprained than Apollo can do with +the aid of his lyre and a special dispensation +of divine inspiration from +Zeus himself."</p><p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_24" id="Page_24">[Pg 13]</a></span></p> + +<p>"There are various ways of moving +audiences, Hippopopolis," I ventured. +"Now Nero, I should say, +could move an audience—out of the +hall—in a very few moments. In fact, +I have always believed that that is +why he fiddled when Rome was burning: +so that people would run out of +the city limits before they perished."</p> + +<p>"It's a very droll view," laughed +Hippopopolis, "and I dare say holds +much of the truth; but Nero's faulty +execution is not proof of Apollo's +virtuosity. For a woodland musicale +given by the Dryads, say, to their +friends, the squirrels and moles +and wild-cats, and other denizens +of the forest, Apollo will suffice. +The musical taste of a kangaroo +might find the strumming of his +lyre by Apollo to its liking, but for +cultivated people who know a crescendo +andante-arpeggio from the +staccato tones of a penny whistle, +he is inadequate."</p><p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_25" id="Page_25">[Pg 14]</a></span></p> + +<p>"You speak as if you had heard +the god," said I.</p> + +<p>"I have not," retorted Hippopopolis, +"but I have heard playing +by people, generally beginners, of +whom the rural press has said that +he—or more often she—has the touch +of an Apollo, and, if that is true, +as are all things we read in the +newspapers, particularly the rural +papers, which are not so sophisticated +as to lie, then Apollo would +better not attempt to play at one +of our Athenian Courier Association +Smokers. I venture to assert that +if he did he would have to be carried +home with a bandage about his +brow instead of a laurel, and his +cherished lyre would become but a +memory."</p> + +<p>I turned sadly to my supper. I +had found the mundane things of +Greece disappointing enough, but +my sorrow over Hippopopolis's expert +testimony as to the shortcoming<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_26" id="Page_26">[Pg 15]</a></span> +of the gods was overwhelming. +It was to be expected that the country +would fall into a decadent state +sooner or later, but that the Olympians +themselves were not all that +they were cracked up to be by the +mythologies had never suggested +itself to me. As a result of my +courier's words, I lapsed into a +moody silence, which by eight o'clock +developed into an irresistible desire +to sleep.</p> + +<p>"I'll take a nap, Hippopopolis," +said I, rolling my coat into a bundle +and placing it under my head. +"You will, I trust, be good enough +to stand guard lest some of these +gods you have mentioned come and +pick my pockets?" I added, satirically.</p> + +<p>"I will see that the gods do not +rob you," he returned, dryly, with +a slight emphasis on the word +"gods," the significance of which +I did not at the moment take in,<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_27" id="Page_27">[Pg 16]</a></span> +but which later developments made +all too clear.</p> + +<p>Three minutes later I slept soundly.</p> + +<p>At ten o'clock, about, I awoke +with a start. The fire was out and +I was alone. Hippopopolis had disappeared +and with him had gone my +watch, the contents of my pocket-book, +my letter of credit, and everything +of value I had with me, with +the exception of my shirt-studs, +which, I presume, would have gone +also had they not been fastened to +me in such a way that, in getting +them, Hippopopolis would have had +to wake me up.</p> + +<p>To add to my plight, the rain was +pouring down in torrents.</p> + + + +<hr style="width: 65%;" /><p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_28" id="Page_28">[Pg 17]</a></span></p> +<h2><a name="II" id="II"></a>II</h2> + +<h2>I Seek Shelter and Find It</h2> + + +<p>"This is a fine piece of business," +I said to myself, +springing to my feet. And +then I called as loudly as +my lungs would permit for Hippopopolis. +It was really exhilarating +to do so. The name lends itself so +readily to a sonorous effect. The +hills fairly echoed and re-echoed +with the name, but no answer came, +and finally I gave up in disgust, +seeking meanwhile the very inadequate +shelter of a tree, to keep +the rain off. A more woe-begone +picture never presented itself, I am +convinced. I was chilled through,<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_29" id="Page_29">[Pg 18]</a></span> +shivering in the dampness of the +night, a steady stream of water +pouring upon and drenching my +clothing, void of property of an available +nature, and lost in a strange +land. To make matters worse, I +was familiar only with classic Greek, +which language is utterly unknown +in those parts to-day, being spoken +only by the professors of the American +school at Athens and the war +correspondents of the New York +Sunday newspapers—a fact, by the +way, which probably accounts for +the latter's unfamiliarity with classic +English. It is too much in these +times to expect a man to speak or +write more than one language at +a time. Even if I survived the exposure +of the night, a horrid death +by starvation stared me in the face, +since I had no means of conveying +to any one who might appear the +idea that I was hungry.</p> + +<p>Still, if starvation was to be my<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_30" id="Page_30">[Pg 19]</a></span> +lot, I preferred to starve dryly and +warmly; so, deserting the tree which +was now rather worse as a refuge +than no refuge at all, since the +limbs began to trickle forth steady +streams of water, which, by some +accursed miracle of choice, seemed +to consider the back of my neck +their inevitable destination, I started +in to explore as best I could in the +uncanny light of the night for some +more sheltered nook. Feeling, too, +that, having robbed me, Hippopopolis +would become an extremely unpleasant +person to encounter in my +unarmed and exhausted state, I +made my way up the mountainside, +rather than down into the +valley, where my inconsiderate guide +was probably even then engaged +in squandering my hard-earned +wealth, in company with the peasants +of that locality, who see real +money so seldom that they ask +no unpleasant questions as to<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_31" id="Page_31">[Pg 20]</a></span> +whence it has come when they do +see it.</p> + +<p>"Under the circumstances," +thought I, "I sincerely hope that +the paths of Hippopopolis and myself +may lie as wide as the poles +apart. If so be we do again tread +the same path, I trust I shall see +him in time to be able to ignore his +presence."</p> + +<p>With this reflection I made my +way with difficulty up the side of +Olympus. Several times it seemed +to me that I had found the spot +wherein I might lie until the sun +should rise, but quite as often an +inconsiderate leak overhead through +the leaves of the trees, or an undiscovered +crack in the rocks above +me, sent me travelling upon my +way. Physical endurance has its +limits, however, and at the end of +a two hours' climb, wellnigh exhausted, +I staggered into an opening +between two walls of rock, and<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_32" id="Page_32">[Pg 21]</a></span> +fell almost fainting to the ground. +The falling rain revived me, and +on my hands and knees I crawled +farther in, and, to my great delight, +shortly found myself in a high-ceiled +cavern, safe from the storm, +a place in which one might starve +comfortably, if so be one had to +pass through that trying ordeal.</p> + +<p>"He might have left me my flask," +I groaned as I thought over the pint +of warming liquid which Hippopopolis +had taken from me. It was +of a particular sort, and I liked it +whether I was thirsty or not. "If +he'd only left me that, he might +have had my letter of credit, and no +questions asked. These Greeks are +apparently not aware that there is +consideration even among thieves."</p> + +<p>Huddling myself together, I tried +to get warm after the fashion of the +small boy when he jumps into his +cold-sheeted bed on a winter's night, +a process which makes his legs<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_33" id="Page_33">[Pg 22]</a></span> +warm the upper part of his body, +and <i>vice versa</i>. It was moderately +successful. If I could have wrung +the water out of my clothes, it might +have been wholly so. Still, matters +began to look more cheerful, and I +was about to drop off into a doze, +when at the far end of the cavern, +where all had hitherto been black +as night, there suddenly burst forth +a tremendous flood of light.</p> + +<p>"Humph!" thought I, as the rays +pierced through the blackness of the +cavern even to where I lay shivering. +"I'm in for it now. In all +probability I have stumbled upon a +bandits' cave."</p> + +<p>Pleasing visions of the ways of +bandits began to flit through my +mind.</p> + +<p>"In all likelihood," thought I, +"there are seventeen of them. As +I have read my fiction, there are +invariably seventeen bandits to a +band. It's like sixteen ounces to<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_34" id="Page_34">[Pg 23]</a></span> +the pound, or three feet to the yard, +or fifty-three cents to the dollar. +It never varies. What hope have +I to escape unharmed from seventeen +bandits, even though five of +them are discontented—as is always +the case in books—and are +ready to betray their chief to the +enemy? I am the enemy, of course, +but I'll be hanged if I wish the chief +betrayed into my hands. He could +probably thrash me single-handed. +My hands are full anyhow, whether +I get the chief or not."</p> + +<p><a name="Page_35" id="Page_35"></a></p> +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 289px;"> +<a href="images/image06h.jpg"> +<img src="images/image06.jpg" width="289" height="500" alt="A DREAM OF BRIGANDAGE" title="" /></a> +</div><p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_36" id="Page_36"></a></span></p> + +<p>My heart sank into my boots; +but as these were very wet, it promptly +returned to my throat, where it +had rested ever since Hippopopolis +had deserted me. My heart is a +very sane sort of an organ. I gazed +towards the light intently, expecting +to see dark figures of murderous +mould loom up before me, but in +this I was agreeably disappointed. +Nothing of the sort happened, and<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_37" id="Page_37">[Pg 24]</a></span> +I grew easier in my mind, although +my curiosity was by no means appeased.</p> + +<p>"I know what I will do," I said +to myself. "I'll make friends with +the chief himself. That's the best +plan. If he is responsive, my family +will be spared the necessity of receiving +one of my ears by mail with +a delicate request for $20,000 ransom, +accompanied by a P. S. enclosing +the other ear to emphasize the importance +of the complication."</p> + +<p>By way of diversion, let me say +here that, while slicing off the victim's +ear is a staple situation among +novelists who write of bandits, in +all my experience with bandits—and +I have known a thousand, most of +'em in Wall Street—I have never +known it done, and I challenge +those who write of South European +highway-robbers to produce any +evidence to prove that the habit is +prevalent. The idea is, on the face<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_38" id="Page_38">[Pg 25]</a></span> +of it, invalid. The ears of mankind, +despite certain differences which +are acknowledged, are, after all, +very much alike. The point that +differentiates one ear from another +is the angle at which it is set from +the head. The angle, according to +the most scientific students of the +organ of hearing, is the basis of +the estimate of the individual. Therefore, +to convince the wealthy persons +at home that large sums of +money are expected of them to preserve +the life of the father of the +family, the truly expert bandit must +send something besides the ear itself, +which, when cut off, has no angle +whatsoever. If I, who am no bandit, +and who have not studied the art +of the banditti, may make a suggestion +which may prove valuable to +the highwaymen of Italy and Greece, +the only sure method of identifying +the individual lies in the cutting +off of the head of the victim, by<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_39" id="Page_39">[Pg 26]</a></span> +which means alone the identity of +the person to be ransomed may +be settled beyond all question. As +one who has suffered, I will say +that I would not send a check for +$20,000 to a bandit on the testimony +of one ear any more than I would +lend a man ten dollars on his own +representation as to the meals he +had not had, the drinks he wanted, +or the date upon which he would +pay it back.</p> + +<p>All these ideas flashed across my +mind as I lay there worn in spirit +and chilled to the bone. At last, +however, after a considerable effort, +I gathered myself together and resolved +to investigate. I rose up, +stood uncertainly on my feet, and +was about to make my way towards +the sources of the unexpected +light, when a dark figure rushed +past me. I tried to speak to it.</p> + +<p>"Hello, there!" said I, hoping +to gain its attention and ask its<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_40" id="Page_40">[Pg 27]</a></span> +advice, since it came into the cavern +in that breezy fashion which +betokens familiarity with surroundings. +The being, whatever it really +was, and I was soon to find this +out, turned a scornful and really +majestic face upon me, as much +as to say, "Who are you that +should thus address a god?" The +rushing thing wore a crown and +flowing robes. Likewise it had a +gray beard and an air of power +which made me, a mere mortal, +seem weak even in my own estimation. +Furthermore, there was a divine +atmosphere following in his wake. +It suggested the most brilliant of +brilliantine.</p> + +<p>"Here," he cried as he passed. +"I haven't time to listen to your +story, but here is my card. I have +no change about me. Call upon +me to-morrow and I will attend to +your needs."</p> + +<p>The card fluttered to my side, and,<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_41" id="Page_41">[Pg 28]</a></span> +not being a mendicant, I paid little +attention to it, preferring to watch +this fast-disappearing figure until +I should see whither it was going. +Arriving at the far end of the cavern, +the hurrying figure stopped and +apparently pushed a button at the +side of the wall. Immediately an +iron door, which I had not before +perceived, was pushed aside. The +dark figure disappeared into what +seemed to be a well-lighted elevator, +and was promptly lifted out of sight. +All became dark again, and I was +frankly puzzled. This was a situation +beyond my ken. What it could +mean I could not surmise, and in +the hope of finding a clew to the +mystery I groped about in the +darkness for the card which the hurried +individual had cast at me with +his words of encouragement. Ultimately +I found it, but was unable +to decipher its inscription, if perchance +it had one. Nevertheless,<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_42" id="Page_42">[Pg 29]</a></span> +I managed to keep my spirits up. +This, I think, was a Herculean task, +considering the darkness and my +extreme lonesomeness. I can be +happy under adverse circumstances, +if only I have congenial company. +But to lie alone, in a black cavern, +prey only to the thoughts of my +environment, thoughts suggesting +all things apart from life, thoughts +which send the mind over the past +a thousand centuries removed—these +are not comforting, and these were +the only thoughts vouchsafed to +me.</p> + +<p>A half-hour was thus passed in +the darkness, and then the light appeared +again, and I resolved, though +little strength was left to me, to +seek out its source. I stood up +and staggered towards it, and as +I drew nearer observed that the illumination +came from nothing more +nor less than an elevator at the bottom +of a shaft, the magnitude of<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_43" id="Page_43">[Pg 30]</a></span> +which I could not, of course, at the +moment determine.</p> + +<p>The boy in charge was a pretty +little chap, and, if I may so state +it, was absolutely unclad, but about +his shoulders was slung a strap +which in turn held a leathern bag, +which, to my eyes, suggested a +golf-bag more than anything else, +except that it was filled with arrows +instead of golf-clubs.</p> + +<p>"How do you do?" said I, politely. +"Whose caddy are you?"</p> + +<p>"Very well," said the little lad. +"Not much to brag of, however. +Merely bobbish, pretty bobbish. In +answer to your second question, I take +pleasure in informing you," he added, +"that I am everybody's caddy."</p> + +<p>"You are—the elevator boy?" I +queried, with some hesitation.</p> + +<p>"That is my present position," +said he.</p> + +<p>"And, ah, whither do you elevate, +my lad?"</p> + +<p><a name="Page_44" id="Page_44"></a></p> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 288px;"> +<a href="images/image07h.jpg"> +<img src="images/image07.jpg" width="288" height="500" alt="IN THE ELEVATOR" title="" /></a> +</div> +<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_45" id="Page_45"></a></span></p><p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_46" id="Page_46">[Pg 31]</a></span></p> +<p>"Up!" said he, after the manner +of one who does not wish to commit +himself, like most elevator boys. +"But whom do you wish to see?" +he demanded, trying hard to frown +and succeeding only in making a ludicrous +exhibition of himself.</p> + +<p>Frankly, I did not know, but under +the impulse of the moment I handed +out the card which the stranger +had thrown to me.</p> + +<p>"I forget the gentleman's name," +said I, "but here is his card. He +asked me to call."</p> + +<p>The elevator boy glanced at it, +and his manner immediately +changed.</p> + +<p>"Oh, indeed. Very well, sir," he +said. "I'll take you up right away. +Step lively, please."</p> + +<p>I stepped into the elevator, and +the lad turned a wheel which set +us upon our upward journey at +once.</p> + +<p>"I am sorry to have been so rude<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_47" id="Page_47">[Pg 32]</a></span> +to you, sir," said the boy. "I didn't +really know you were a friend of +his."</p> + +<p>"Of whom?" I demanded.</p> + +<p>"The old man himself," he replied, +with which he handed me +back the card I had given him, upon +reading which I ascertained the +name of the individual who had +rushed past me so unceremoniously.</p> + +<p>The card was this:</p> + +<div class="bbox" style="width: 20em;"> +<table summary="Zeus's calling card"> +<colgroup span="3" width="200"> +</colgroup> +<tr><td> </td></tr> +<tr><td> </td></tr> +<tr><td colspan="3" align='center'><big>MR. JUPITER JOVE ZEUS</big></td></tr> +<tr><td> </td></tr> +<tr><td></td><td></td><td align='center'><span class="smcap"><small>Mount Olympus</small></span></td></tr> +<tr><td></td><td></td><td align='center'><span class="smcap"><small>Greece</small></span></td></tr> +</table> +</div> + +<p>"Top floor, sir," said the elevator +boy, obsequiously.</p> + + + +<hr style="width: 65%;" /><p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_48" id="Page_48">[Pg 33]</a></span></p> +<h2><a name="III" id="III"></a>III</h2> + +<h2>The Elevator Boy</h2> + + +<p>"Known the old man long, +sir?" queried the boy as +we ascended.</p> + +<p>"By reputation," said I.</p> + +<p>"Humph!" said the lad. "Can't +have a very good opinion of him, +then. It's a good thing you are +going to have a little personal experience +with him. He's not a bad +lot, after all. Rotten things said of +him, but then—you know, eh?"</p> + +<p>"Oh, as for that," said I, "I don't +think his reputation is so dreadful. +To be sure, there have been one or +two little indiscretions connected with +his past, and at times he has seemed<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_49" id="Page_49">[Pg 34]</a></span> +a bit vindictive in chucking thunder-bolts +at his enemies, but, on the +whole, I fancy he's behaved himself +pretty well."</p> + +<p>"True," said the boy. "And then +you've got to take his bringing-up +into consideration. Things which +would be altogether wrong in the +son of a Presbyterian clergyman +would not be unbecoming in a descendant +of old Father Time. Jupiter +is, after all, a self-made immortal, +and the fact that his parents, old +Mr. and Mrs. Cronos, let him grow +up sort of wild, naturally left its +impress on his character."</p> + +<p>"Of course," said I, somewhat +amused to hear the Thunderer's +character analyzed by a mere infant. +"But how about yourself, my laddie? +Are you anybody in particular? +You look like a cherub."</p> + +<p>"Some folks call me Dan," said +the boy, "and I <i>am</i> somebody in +particular. Fact is, sir, if it hadn't<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_50" id="Page_50">[Pg 35]</a></span> +been for me there wouldn't have +been anybody in particular anywhere. +I'm Cupid, sir, God of Love, +favorite son of Venus, at your service."</p> + +<p>"And husband of the delectable +Psyche?" I cried, recalling certain +facts I had learned. "You look +awfully young to be married."</p> + +<p>"Hum—well, I was, and I am, +but we've separated," the boy replied, +with a note of sadness in his +voice. "She was a very nice little +person, that Psyche—one of the +best ever, I assure you—but she +was too much of a butterfly to +be the perpetual confidante of a +person charged with such important +matters as I am. Besides, she didn't +get on with mother."</p> + +<p>"Seems to me that I have heard +that Madame Venus did not approve +of the match," I vouchsafed.</p> + +<p>"No. She didn't from the start," +said Cupid. "Psyche was too pretty,<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_51" id="Page_51">[Pg 36]</a></span> +and ma rather wanted to corner all +the feminine beauty in our family; +but I had my way in the end. I +generally do," the little chap added, +with a chuckle.</p> + +<p>"But the separation, my dear +boy?" I put in. "I am awfully +sorry to hear of that. I, in common +with most mortals, supposed that +the marriage was idyllic."</p> + +<p>"It was," said Cupid, "and therefore +not practical enough to be a +good investment. You see, sir, there +was a time when the love affairs +of the universe were intrusted to +my care. Lovers everywhere came +to me to confide their woes, and I +was doing a great business. Everybody +was pleased with my way of +conducting my department. I seemed +to have a special genius for managing +a love affair. Even persons +who were opposed to the administration +conceded that the Under Secretary +of Home Affairs—myself—was<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_52" id="Page_52">[Pg 37]</a></span> +assured of a cabinet office for life, +whatever party was in power. If +Pluto had been able to get elected, +the force of public opinion would +have kept me in office. Then I married, +myself, and things changed. +Like a dutiful husband, I had no +secrets from my wife. I couldn't +have had if I had wanted to. +Psyche's curiosity was a close second +to Pandora's, and, if she wanted +to know anything, there was never +any peace in the family until she +found out all about it. Still, I didn't +wish to have any secrets from her. +As a scientific expert in Love, I knew +that the surest basis of a lasting +happiness lay in mutual confidence. +Hence, I told Psyche all I knew, +and it got her into trouble right +away."</p> + +<p>"She—ah—couldn't keep a secret?" +I asked.</p> + +<p>"At first she could," said Cupid. +"That was the cause of the first<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_53" id="Page_53">[Pg 38]</a></span> +row between her and Venus. Mother +got mad as a hatter with her one +morning after breakfast because +Psyche <i>could</i> keep a secret. There +was a little affair on between Jupiter +and a certain person whose name +I shall not mention, and I had charge +of it. Of course, I told Psyche all +about it, and in some way known +only to woman she managed to +convey to Venus the notion that +she knew all about it, but couldn't +tell, and, still further, wouldn't tell. +I'd gone down-town to business, +leaving everything peaceful and +happy, but when I got back to luncheon—Great +Chaos, it was awful! +The two ladies were not on speaking +terms, and I had to put on a fur +overcoat to keep from freezing to +death in the atmosphere that had +arisen between them. It was six +inches below zero—and the way +those two would sniff and sneer +at each other was a caution."</p><p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_54" id="Page_54">[Pg 39]</a></span></p> + +<p>"I quite understand the situation," +I said, sympathetically.</p> + +<p>"No doubt," said Cupid. "You +can also possibly understand how a +quarrel between the only two women +you ever loved could incapacitate +you for your duties. For ten days +after that I was simply incapable +of directing the love affairs of the +universe properly. Persons I'd designed +for each other were given to +others, and a great deal of unhappiness +resulted. There were nine +thousand six hundred and seventy-six +divorces as the result of that +week's work. It's a terrible situation +for a well-meaning chap to have +to decide between his wife and his +mother."</p> + +<p>"Never had it," said I; "but I +can imagine it."</p> + +<p>"Don't think you can," sighed +Cupid. "There are situations in +real life, sir, which surpass the +wildest flights of the imagination.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_55" id="Page_55">[Pg 40]</a></span> +That is why truth is stranger than +fiction. However," he added, his +face brightening, "it was a useful +experience to me in my professional +work. I learned for the first time +that when a mother-in-law comes +in at the door, intending to remain +indefinitely, love flies out at the +window. Or, as Solomon—I believe +it was Solomon. He wrote +Proverbs, did he not?"</p> + +<p>"Yes," said I. "He and Josh +Billings."</p> + +<p>"Well," vouchsafed Cupid, "I can't +swear as to the authorship of the +proverb, but some proverbialist said +'Two is company and three is a +crowd.' I'd never known that before, +but I learned it then, and began +to stay away from home a little +myself, so that we should not be +crowded."</p> + +<p>I commended the young man for +his philosophy.</p> + +<p>"Nevertheless, my dear Dan," I<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_56" id="Page_56">[Pg 41]</a></span> +added, "you ought to be more autocratic. +Knowing that two is company +and three otherwise, you have +been guilty of allowing many a +young couple who have trusted in +you to begin house-keeping with an +inevitable third person. We see it +every day among the mortals."</p> + +<p>"What has been good enough +for me, sir," the boy returned, with +a comical assumption of sternness—he +looked so like a fat baby of three +just ready for his bath—"is good +enough for mortals. When I married +Psyche, I brought her home to +my mother's house, and for some +nineteen thousand years we lived +together. If Love can stand it, mortals +must."</p> + +<p>"Excuse me," said I, apologetically. +"I have not suffered. However, +in all my study of you mythologians, +it has never occurred to me +before this that Venus was the goddess +of the mother-in-law."</p><p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_57" id="Page_57">[Pg 42]</a></span></p> + +<p>"You mustn't blame me for that," +said Cupid, dryly. "I'm the god +of Love; wisdom is out of my province. +For what you don't know and +haven't learned you must blame +Pallas, who is our Superintendent +of Public Instruction. She knows +it all—and she got it darned easy, +too. She sprang forth from the +head of Jove with a Ph.D. already +conferred upon her. She looks after +the education of the world. I don't—but +I'll wager you anything you +please to put up that man gains +more real experience under my +management than he does from +Athena's department, useful as her +work is."</p> + +<p>I could not but admit the truth +of all that the boy said, and of course +I told him so. To change the subject, +which, if pursued, might lead +to an exposure of my own ignorance, +I said:</p> + +<p>"But, Dan, what interests me +<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_59" id="Page_59">[Pg 43]</a></span><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_60" id="Page_60"></a></span>most, and pains me most as well, +is to hear that you are separated +from Psyche. I do not wish to +seem inquisitive on the subject of +a—ah—of a man's family affairs"—I +hesitated in my speech because +he seemed such a baby and it was +difficult to take him seriously, as +is always the way with Love, unless +we are directly involved—"but +you have told me of the separation, +and as a man, a newspaper-man, +I am interested. Couldn't you reconcile +your mother, Madame Venus, +to Psyche—or, rather, Mrs. +Dan?"</p> +<p><a name="Page_58" id="Page_58"></a></p> +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 285px;"> +<a href="images/image08h.jpg"> +<img src="images/image08.jpg" width="285" height="500" alt=""'THE GODDESS OF THE MOTHER-IN-LAW'"" title="" /></a> +</div> + +<p>"Not for a moment," replied the +boy. "Not for a millionth part of +a tenth of a quarter of a second +by a stop-watch. Their irreconcilability +was copper-fastened, and I +found myself compelled to choose +between them. My mother developed +a gray hair the day after the +first trouble, and my wife began to<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_61" id="Page_61">[Pg 44]</a></span> +go out to afternoon teas and sewing-circles +and dances. The teas +and dances were all right. You can't +talk at either. But the sewing-circle +was ruin. At this particular time +the circle was engaged in making +winter garments for the children +of the mother of the Gracchi. I +presume that as a student and as a +father you realize all that this meant. +You also know that a sewing-circle +needs four things: first, an object; +second, a needle and thread; third, +a garment; fourth, a subject for conversation. +These things are constitutionally +required, and Psyche +joined what she called 'The Immortal +Dorcas.' The result was +that all Olympus and half of Hades +were shortly acquainted with the +confidential workings of my department—all +told under the inviolate +bond of secrecy, however, which +requires that each member confided +in shall not communicate what she<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_62" id="Page_62">[Pg 45]</a></span> +has heard to more—or to less—than +ten people."</p> + +<p>"I know," said I. "The Dorcas +habit has followers among my own +people."</p> + +<p>"But see where it placed me!" +cried the little creature. "There was +me, or I—I don't know whether +Greek or English is preferable to +you—charged with the love affairs +of the universe. Confiding all I +knew, like a dutiful husband, to +my wife, and having her letting it +all out to the public through the +society. Why, my dear fellow, it +wasn't long before the immortals +began to accuse me of being in the +pay of the Sunday newspapers, and +you must know as well as anybody +else that Love has nothing to do +with them. Even the affairs of my +sovereign began to creep out, and +innuendoes connecting Jupiter with +people prominent in society were +printed in the opposition organs."</p><p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_63" id="Page_63">[Pg 46]</a></span></p> + +<p>"Poor chap!" said I, sympathetically. +"I did not realize that you +had to contend against the Sunday-newspaper +nuisance as we mortals +have."</p> + +<p>"We have," he said, quickly, almost +resignedly; "and they are +ruining even Olympus itself. Still, +I made a stand. Told Psyche +she talked too much, and from +that time on confided in her no +more."</p> + +<p>"And how did she take it?" I +asked.</p> + +<p>"She declined to take it at all," +said Cupid, with a sigh. "She demanded +that I should tell her everything +on penalty of losing her—and +I lost her. She left me a little +over a thousand years ago, and my +mother for the same reason sent me +adrift fifteen hundred or more years +ago. That is why I am eking out +a living running an elevator," he +added, sadly. "Still, I'm happy<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_64" id="Page_64">[Pg 47]</a></span> +here. I go up when I feel sad, and +go down when I feel glad. On the +whole, I am as happy as any of the +gods."</p> + +<p>"However, Dan," I cried, sympathetically, +slapping him on the +back, "you have your official position, +and that will keep you in—ah—well, +you don't seem to need 'em, +but it would keep you in clothes +if you could be persuaded to wear +them."</p> + +<p>"No," said the little elevator boy, +sadly. "I don't want 'em in this +climate—nor are they necessary in +any other. All over the world, my +dear fellow, <i>true</i> love is ever +warm."</p> + +<p>There was a decided interval. +I felt sorry for the little lad who +had been a god and who had become +an elevator boy, so I said to +him:</p> + +<p>"Never mind, Danny, you are +sure of your office always."</p><p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_65" id="Page_65">[Pg 48]</a></span></p> + +<p>"I wish it were so," said he, sadly. +"But really, sir, it isn't. You may +think that love rules all things nowadays, +but that is a fallacy. Of +late years a rival concern has sprung +up. I have found my office subjected +to a most annoying competition +which has attracted away from +me a large number of my closest +followers. In the days when we +acknowledged ourselves to be purely +heathen, love was regarded with respect, +but now all that is changed. +Opposite my office in the government +building there is a matrimonial corporation +doing a very large business, +by which the fees of my position +are greatly reduced. Possibly after +you have had your audience with +Jove to-morrow you will take a +turn about the city, in which event +you will see this trust's big brazen +sign. You can't miss it if you +walk along Mercury Avenue. It +reads:</p><p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_66" id="Page_66">[Pg 49]</a></span></p> + +<div class="bbox" style="width: 24em;"> +<table summary="Mammon's sign"> +<colgroup span="3" width="150"> +</colgroup> +<tr><td colspan="5" align='center'>MAMMON & CO.</td></tr> +<tr><td colspan="5" align='center'>Matchmakers</td></tr> +<tr><td colspan="5" align='center'><span class="smcap">Fortunes Guaranteed</span>:</td></tr> +<tr><td colspan="5" align='center'><span class="smcap">Happiness Extra</span></td></tr> +<tr><td></td><td></td><td colspan="3" align='left'><span class="smcap">Geo. W. Mammon</span></td></tr> +<tr><td></td><td></td><td colspan="3" align='center'>President</td></tr> + +<tr><td></td><td></td><td colspan="3" align='left'><span class="smcap">Horace Greed</span></td></tr> +<tr><td></td><td></td><td colspan="3" align='center'>Gen'l Manager</td></tr> +<tr><td align='center'><span class="smcap"> branch office</span></td></tr> +<tr><td colspan="2" align='left'>67 Gehenna Ave., Hades</td></tr> +</table> +</div> + +<p>"Dear me!" I cried. "Poor Love!"</p> + +<p>"I don't need your sympathy," +said the boy, quickly, drawing himself +up proudly. "It can't last, +this competition. Man and god +kind will soon see the difference in +the permanence of our respective +output. This is only a temporary +success they are having, and it often +happens that the spurious articles +put forth by Mammon & Company +are brought over to me to be repaired. +My sun will dawn again. +You can't put out the fires in my<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_67" id="Page_67">[Pg 50]</a></span> +furnaces as long as men and women +are made from the old receipt."</p> + +<p>Here the elevator stopped, and a +rather attractive young woman appeared +at the door.</p> + +<p>"Here is where you get out, sir," +said the elevator boy.</p> + +<p>"You are Mr.——" began the girl.</p> + +<p>"I am," I replied.</p> + +<p>"I have orders to show you to +number 609," she said. "The proprietor +will see you to-morrow at +eleven."</p> + +<p>"Thank you very much," I replied, +somewhat overcome by the +cordiality of my reception. It is +not often that mere beggars are so +hospitably received.</p> + +<p>"Good-night, Cupid," I added, +turning to the little chap in the +elevator. "I trust we shall meet +again."</p> + +<p>"Oh, I guess we will," he replied, +with a wink at the maid. "I generally +do meet most men two or three<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_68" id="Page_68">[Pg 51]</a></span> +times in their lives. So <i>au revoir</i> +to you. Treat the gentleman well, +Hebe," he concluded, pulling the +rope to send the elevator back. "He +doesn't know much, but he is sympathetic."</p> + +<p>"I will, Danny, for your sake," +said the little maid, archly.</p> + +<p>The boy laughed and the car +faded from sight. Hebe, even more +lovely than has been claimed, with +a charmingly demure glance at my +costume, which was wofully bedraggled +and wet, said:</p> + +<p>"This way, sir. I will have your +luggage sent to your room at once."</p> + +<p>"But I haven't any luggage, my +dear," said I. "I have only what +is on my back."</p> + +<p>"Ah, but you have," she replied, +sweetly. "The proprietor has attended +to that. There are five +trunks, a hat-box, and a Gladstone +bag already on their way up."</p> + +<p>And with this she showed me into<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_69" id="Page_69">[Pg 52]</a></span> +a magnificent apartment, and, even +as she had said, within five minutes +my luggage arrived, a valet appeared, +unpacked the trunks and +bag, brushed off the hat that had +lain in the hat-box, and vanished, +leaving me to my own reflections.</p> + +<p>Surely Olympus was a great place, +where one who appeared in the +guise of a beggar was treated like +a regiment of prodigal sons, furnished +with a gorgeous apartment, and +supplied with a wardrobe that would +have aroused the envy of a reigning +sovereign.</p> + + + +<hr style="width: 65%;" /><p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_70" id="Page_70">[Pg 53]</a></span></p> +<h2><a name="IV" id="IV"></a>IV</h2> + +<h2>I Summon a Valet</h2> + + +<p>The room to which I was +assigned was regal in its +magnificence, and yet comfortable. +Few modern hotels +afforded anything like it, and, +tired as I was, I could not venture +to rest until I had investigated +it and its contents thoroughly. It +was, I should say, about twenty +by thirty feet in its dimensions, and +lighted by a soft, mellow glow that +sprang forth from all parts without +any visible source of supply. At +the far end was a huge window, before +which were drawn portières of +rich material in most graceful folds.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_71" id="Page_71">[Pg 54]</a></span> +Pulling these to one side, so that +I might see what the outlook from +the window might be, I staggered +back appalled at the infinite grandeur +of what lay before my eyes. +It seemed as if all space were there, +and yet within the compass of my +vision. Planets which to my eye +had hitherto been but twinkling +specks of light in the blackness of +the heavens became peopled worlds, +which I could see in detail and recognize. +Mars with its canals, Saturn +with its rings—all were there +before me, seemingly within reach +of my outstretched hand. The world +in which I lived appeared to have +been removed from the middle distance, +and those things which had +rested beyond the ken of the mortal +mind brought to my very feet, to +be seen and touched and comprehended.</p> + +<p>Then I threw the window open, +and all was changed. The distant<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_72" id="Page_72">[Pg 55]</a></span> +objects faded, and a beautiful golden +city greeted my eyes—the city +of Olympus, in which I was to pass +so many happy hours. For the +instant I was puzzled. Why at +one moment the treasures of the +universe of space had greeted my +vision, and how all that had faded +and the immediate surroundings of +a celestial city lay before me, were +not easy to understand. I drew +back and closed the window again, +and at once all became clear; the +window-glass held the magic properties +of the magnifying-lens, developed +to an intensity which annihilated +all space, and I began to see +that the development of mortals in +scientific matters was puny beside +that of the gods in whose hands +lay all the secrets of the universe, +although the principles involved were +in our full possession.</p> + +<p>The situation overwhelmed me +somewhat, and I drew the portières<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_73" id="Page_73">[Pg 56]</a></span> +together again. The feelings that +came over me were similar to those +that come to one standing on the +edge of a great precipice gazing +downward into the vast, black depths +yawning at his feet. The giddiness +that once, many years before, came +upon me as I stood on the brink +of the Niagaran cataract, which +seemed irresistibly impelling me to +join the mad rush of the waters, +surged over me again, and I forced +myself backward into the room, +shutting out the sight, lest I should +cast myself forth into the infinite +space beyond. I threw myself down +upon a couch and covered my eyes +with my hands and tried to realize +the situation. I was drunk with +awe at all that was about me, and +should, I think, have gone mad trying +to comprehend its grandeur, +had not my spirit been soothed +by soft strains of music that now +fell upon my ears.</p><p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_74" id="Page_74">[Pg 57]</a></span></p> + +<p>I opened my eyes to discover +whence the sounds had come, and +even as the light streamed from +unknown and unseen sources, so +it was with the harmonies which +followed, harmonies surpassing in +beauty and swelling glory anything +I had ever heard before.</p> + +<p>And to these magnificent but +soft and soothing strains I yielded +myself up and slept. How long +my sleep continued I have no means +of knowing. It seemed to last but +an instant, but when I opened my +eyes once more I felt absolutely renewed +in body and in spirit. The +damp garments which I had worn +when I fell back upon the couch +had in some wise been removed, +and when I stood up to indulge in +the usual stretching of my limbs I +found myself clad in an immaculate +flowing robe of white, soft of texture, +fastened at the neck with a jewelled +brooch, and at the waist its fulness<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_75" id="Page_75">[Pg 58]</a></span> +restrained by a girdle of gold. Furthermore, +I had apparently been +put through a process of ablution +which left me with the cockles of +my heart as warm as toast, and my +whole being permeated with a glow +of health which I had not known +for many years. The aches in my +bones, which I had feared on waking +to find intensified, were gone; and +if I could have retained permanently +the aspect of vigor and beauty which +was returned to me by the mirror +when I stood before it, I should be +in imminent danger of becoming +conceited.</p> + +<p>"I wonder," said I, as I gazed +at myself in the mirror, "if this is +the correct costume for breakfast. +It's a slight drawback to know +nothing of the customs of the locality +in which you find yourself. Possibly +an investigation of my new +wardrobe will help me to decide."</p> + +<p>I looked over the rich garments<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_76" id="Page_76">[Pg 59]</a></span> +which had been provided, and found +nothing which, according to my +simple bringing up, suggested the +idea that it was a good thing to +wear at the morning meal.</p> + +<p>"They ought to send me a valet," +I murmured. "Perhaps they will if +I ring for one. Where the deuce is +the bell, I wonder?"</p> + +<p>A search of the room soon divulged +the resting-place of this desirable +adjunct to the tourist's comfort. +The dial system which has proved +so successful in American hotels +was in vogue here, except that it +manifested a willingness on the +part of the proprietor to provide +the guest with a range of articles +utterly beyond anything to be found +in the purely mundane caravansary. +I found that anything under the +canopy that the mind of man could +conceive of could be had by the mere +pushing of a button. The disk of +the electrical apparatus was divided<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_77" id="Page_77">[Pg 60]</a></span> +off into many sections, calling respectively +for saddle-horses, symphony +concerts, ocean steamships, +bath-towels, stenographers; cocktails +of all sorts, and some sorts +of which I had never before heard, +and all of which I resolved to try in +discreet sequence; manicures, chiropodists, +astrologers, prophets, clergymen +of all denominations, plots for +novelists—indeed, anything that any +person in any station of life might +chance to desire could be got for +the ringing.</p> + +<p>My immediate need, however, was +for a valet. Puzzled as to the manners +and customs of the gods, I +did not wish to make a bad appearance +in the dining-room in a +costume which should not be appropriate. +I did think of ordering +breakfast served in my room, but +that seemed a very mortal and not +a particularly godlike thing to do. +Hence, I rang for a valet.</p> +<p><a name="Page_78" id="Page_78"></a></p> +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 500px;"> +<a href="images/image09h.jpg"> +<img src="images/image09.jpg" width="500" height="331" alt=""ANYTHING COULD BE GOT FOR THE RINGING"" title="" /></a> +</div> +<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_79" id="Page_79"></a></span></p><p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_80" id="Page_80">[Pg 61]</a></span></p> +<p>"I will tell him to get out my +morning-suit, and no doubt he will +select the thing I ought to wear," +I said as I pressed the button.</p> + +<p>The response was instant. My +fingers had hardly left the button +when a superb creature stood before +me. Whence he sprang I do +not know. There were no opening +of doors, no traps or false panels, +that I could see. The individual +simply materialized.</p> + +<p>"At your service, sir," said he, +with a graceful obeisance.</p> + +<p>"Pardon me," I replied, overcome +once more by what was going +on. "I—ah—think there must +be some mistake. I—ah—I didn't +ring for a god, I rang for a +valet."</p> + +<p>"I am the valet of Olympus, sir," +he replied, gracefully flicking a speck +of dust from the calf of his leg, the +contour of which was beautiful to +look upon, clad in superbly fitting<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_81" id="Page_81">[Pg 62]</a></span> +silken tights. "Adonis, at your service. +What can I do for you?"</p> + +<p>"Well, I declare!" I cried, lost +now in admiration of the way the +gods were ordering things on Olympus. +"So they've made you a valet, +have they?"</p> + +<p>"Yes," replied Adonis. "I hold +office for the six months that I am +here. You know that I am a resident +of Olympus only half the time. +The balance I live in Hades."</p> + +<p>"It's a common custom," said I. +"Even with us, our swellest people +go south for the winter."</p> + +<p>"Hum—yes," said Adonis, somewhat +confused. "It's very good of +you to draw that parallel. Your +construction of the situation does +credit to your sense of what is polite, +sir. Unfortunately for me, however, +my position is more like that of the +habitual criminal who is sent to +the penitentiary periodically. I have +to go, whether I want to or not."</p><p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_82" id="Page_82">[Pg 63]</a></span></p> + +<p>"Still, it must be a pleasant variation," +I observed, forgetting that it +is bad form to converse with a servant, +and remembering only that +I was addressing an old flame of +Madame Venus. "Hades isn't a +bad place for a little while, I should +fancy."</p> + +<p>"True," sighed Adonis. "But the +society there is very mixed. It's +full of self-made immortals, whereas +we are all immortals by birth."</p> + +<p>"And who, pray," I queried, "takes +your place while you are below?"</p> + +<p>"Narcissus," he replied; "but +there's generally a lot of complaint +about him. He takes more pains +dressing himself than he does in +looking after guests, the result of +which is that after my departure +things get topsy-turvy, and by the +time I get back, with the exception +of Narcissus, there isn't a well-dressed +god in all Olympus."</p> + +<p>"I wonder, where such perfection<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_83" id="Page_83">[Pg 64]</a></span> +is possible," said I, "that they +tolerate that."</p> + +<p>"They're not going to very much +longer," said Adonis, and then he +laughed. "Narcissus queered himself +last season at the palace. Jove +sent for him to trim his beard, and +he nearly cut one of the old man's +ears off. Investigation showed that +instead of keeping his eye on what +he was doing, he was looking at +himself in the glass all the time. +Jupiter in his anger hurled a thunderbolt +at him, but, fortunately for +Narcissus, he hurled it at the mirrored +and not at the real Narcissus, and +he escaped. The result is the rumor +that he will be made head-waiter +in the dining-room instead of valet +next season, in which event I shall +probably be allowed to remain here +all through the year, or else they'll +put Jason on."</p> + +<p>"And which would you prefer?" +I asked.</p> +<p><a name="Page_84" id="Page_84"></a></p> +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 500px;"> +<a href="images/image10h.jpg"> +<img src="images/image10.jpg" width="500" height="299" alt=""JUPITER HURLED A THUNDER-BOLT AT HIM"" title="" /></a> +</div> +<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_85" id="Page_85"></a></span></p><p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_86" id="Page_86">[Pg 65]</a></span></p> +<p>"I think I'd rather have Jason +put on," said Adonis. "While I +don't care much for the climate of +Hades, I am received there with +much consideration socially, whereas +up here I am only the valet. +One doesn't mind being a nabob +once in a while, you know. Besides—ah—don't +say anything about +it to anybody up here, but I'm getting +a trifle tired of Venus. She +is still beautiful, but you can't get +over the idea that she's over four +thousand years old. Furthermore, +I met a little Fury down below last +season who is simply ravishing." +Here Adonis gave me a wink which +made me rather curious to see the +little Fury.</p> + +<p>"Ah, Adonis, Adonis!" I cried, +shaking my finger at him; "still +up to your old tricks, are you?"</p> + +<p>"Why not?" he demanded. "My +character is formed. <i>Noblesse oblige</i> +is a good motto for us all, only when<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_87" id="Page_87">[Pg 66]</a></span> +one is born with <i>faiblesse</i> instead of +<i>noblesse</i>, it becomes <i>faiblesse oblige</i>. +Furthermore, sir, if I am to have +the reputation, I must insist upon +the perquisites."</p> + +<p>What I replied to this bit of moralizing +I shall not put down here, since +I have no wish to commit myself +thus publicly. I will say, however, +that I did not blame the youthful-looking +person unreservedly.</p> + +<p>"Moreover, I have very fine apartments +in Hades," he added, "and +I should hate to give them up. +I live at the select home for gods +and gentlemen, kept by Madame +Persephone. When she takes an +interest in one of her boarders she +is a mighty fine landlady, and, +like most ladies, if I may say it +with all due modesty, she has taken +an interest in me. The result is +that I have the best suite in the +house, overlooking the Styx, and +as fine a table as any one could<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_88" id="Page_88">[Pg 67]</a></span> +want. But I must ask your pardon, +sir, for taking up so much of your +time with my personal affairs. We +both seem to have forgotten that I +am here to wait upon you."</p> + +<p>"It has been very interesting, +Adonis," I said. "And if it's anybody's +fault, it is mine. What I +wished of you was that you should +get out my breakfast-suit, so that +I might dress and go to the dining-room."</p> + +<p>"Certainly, sir," he replied, walking +to the clothes-closet. "Pardon +me, but—ah—what is your profession +when at home?"</p> + +<p>"Why do you ask?" I queried. +"Not that I am unwilling to tell +you, but—"</p> + +<p>"I merely wished to guide my +selection of your garments. If you +are a naval officer, I will put out +your admiral's uniform. If you are +a professional golfer, I'll get out +your red coat."</p><p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_89" id="Page_89">[Pg 68]</a></span></p> + +<p>"I am a literary man," I said.</p> + +<p>"Ah!" he observed, lifting his +eyebrows. "Then, of course, you +won't mind wearing these."</p> + +<p>And he hauled forth a pair of +black-and-white trousers with checks +as large as the squares of a chessboard, +a blue cloth vest with white +polka dots, and a long, gray Prince +Albert coat, with mauve satin lapels. +The shirt was pink and blue, stripes +of each alternating, running cross-ways, +a white collar, and a flaring +red four-in-hand tie!</p> + +<p>"Great Scott, Adonis!" I cried. +"Must I wear those?"</p> + +<p>"You're under no compulsion to +do so," said he. "But I thought +you said you were a literary man."</p> + +<p>"Well?"</p> + +<p>"Well—literary men never care +what they wear so long as they +attract attention, do they?"</p> + +<p>I laughed. "We are not all built +that way, Adonis," said I. "Some<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_90" id="Page_90">[Pg 69]</a></span> +of us are modest and have a little +taste."</p> + +<p>"Well, it's news to me," said he. +"I guess it must be among the +minor lights."</p> + +<p>"It is—generally," said I. "And +if you don't mind, I'd rather wear +the golf clothes."</p> + +<p>And I did.</p> + + + +<hr style="width: 65%;" /><p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_91" id="Page_91">[Pg 70]</a></span></p> +<h2><a name="V" id="V"></a>V</h2> + +<h2>The Olympian Links</h2> + + +<p>"There," said Adonis, as +he put the finishing touch +to my costume. "You look +like a champion. Do you +play golf, sir?"</p> + +<p>"There's a difference of opinion +about that, Adonis," I replied, my +mind reverting to the number of +handicap matches I hadn't won. +"Some people who have observed +my game say I don't. Have you +links here?"</p> + +<p>"Have we links?" he cried. "Well, +rather. They're said to be the best +in the universe."</p> + +<p>"And are they handy?"</p><p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_92" id="Page_92">[Pg 71]</a></span></p> + +<p>"Very—in the season."</p> + +<p>"I don't quite catch the idea," +I said.</p> + +<p>"Oh, sometimes the course is +nearer than it is at others. Come +here a minute," he said, "and I'll +point it out to you."</p> + +<p>He drew me to the wonderful +window of which I have already +spoken, and through the powerful +glass pointed in the direction of Mars.</p> + +<p>"See that?" he said.</p> + +<p>"Yes," I replied. "That is Mars."</p> + +<p>"Exactly," said Adonis. "Mars +is the Olympian links. His distance +from here varies, as you are probably +aware. When Mars is near aphelion +he is 61,800,000 miles away, but +in his perihelion he gets it down +to 33,800,000. That's why we have +our golf season while Mars is in +his perihelion. It saves us 28,000,000 +miles in getting there."</p> + +<p>I laughed. "You call that handy, +do you?" I said.</p><p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_93" id="Page_93">[Pg 72]</a></span></p> + +<p>"Why not?" he asked. "It's a +matter of five minutes on a bike, +ten minutes in the automobile, and +twenty minutes if you walk."</p> + +<p>"Of course, Adonis," said I, "I'm +not so green as to swallow all that. +How the dickens can you walk +through space?"</p> + +<p>"You're vastly greener than you +think you are," he retorted, rather +uncivilly, perhaps, for a valet, but I +paid no attention to that, preferring +to take him, despite his menial +capacity, in his godlike personality. +"I might even say, sir, that your +greenness is spacious. You judge +us from your own mean, limited, +mundane point of view. But you +needn't think because you earth +people cannot walk on air we Olympians +are equally incapacitated. +You can walk there in two ways. +One of these is to fasten a pair of +ankle-wings on your legs; the other +is to purchase a pair of sky-scrapers.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_94" id="Page_94">[Pg 73]</a></span> +These are simple, consisting merely +of boots with gas soles. You inflate +the soles with gas and walk along. +It's simple and easy, doesn't require +any practice, and as long as +you keep up in the air and don't +step on church steeples or weather-vanes +it's perfectly safe. Of course, +if you stepped on a sharp-pointed +weather-vane, or a lightning-rod, +and punctured your sole, +there's no telling what would happen."</p> + +<p>"And how about the wings?" +I asked.</p> + +<p>"They're much more exhilarating, +but a little dangerous if you don't +know how to use them," Adonis +replied. "Flying isn't any easier +than roller-skating, and if you upset +and get your head below your feet +it's extremely difficult to right yourself +again. If you try to go out +there with ankle-wings, take my +advice and wear a pair of small<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_95" id="Page_95">[Pg 74]</a></span> +balloons about your chest to hold +you right-end upward."</p> + +<p>"I'll remember," said I, somewhat +awed at the prospect of trying to +walk through space with the aid +of ankle-wings. "And how about +the bicycle?" I added.</p> + +<p>"If you can ride a bicycle on +an ordinary road you'll have no +trouble," he replied. "Keep your +tires well filled with gas and avoid +headers. If I were you, though, at +first I'd go out on the automobile. +It makes six round trips a day and +it's absolutely safe. Being so high +up in the air might make you dizzy, +and you might find the bicycling +too much for your nerves. After a +little while you'll get used to enormous +heights, and then, of course, +you can go any old way you choose. +The fare for the round trip is only +fifteen hundred dollars."</p> + +<p>"The automobile is in competent +hands, eh?"</p><p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_96" id="Page_96">[Pg 75]</a></span></p> + +<p>"Yes," said Adonis. "Phaeton +has charge of it."</p> + +<p>"Humph!" I sneered. "He's your +idea of a competent driver, eh? He +hasn't that reputation on earth. +Was it an untruth that credits him +with a fine smash-up when he tried +to drive the chariot of the sun?"</p> + +<p>"Not a bit of it," said Adonis. +"That's all of it simple truth. I +happen to know, because I saw the +finish of the whole thing myself, and +was one of the fellows who turned a +fire-extinguisher on him and saved +him from being a total loss to the +insurance companies. But he learned +his lesson. There's nothing like +experience to teach caution, and +that little episode gave Phaeton +caution to burn, if I may indulge +in mundane slang. He was guyed +so unmercifully by everybody for +his carelessness that the first thing +he did when he recovered was to +learn how to drive, and it wasn't<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_97" id="Page_97">[Pg 76]</a></span> +six cycles before he was the most +expert whip in Olympus. He finally +made a profession of it and established +a livery-stable. Then, when the +automobile came in and horses went +out of fashion, he kept up with +the times, and is to-day in charge +of all our rapid transit—he owns +the franchises for the Jupiter and +Dipper Trolley Road, he is the largest +stockholder in the Metropolitan +Traction Company of Neptune, Saturn, +and Venus, and is said to be +the moving spirit back of the new +underground electric in Hades."</p> + +<p>"I guess he'll do," said I, reflecting +with admiration upon the wonderful +self-rehabilitation of one I had previously +regarded as a foolish incompetent.</p> + +<p>"You won't have to guess again +in this case," said Adonis, dryly. +"You've hit it right the very first +time."</p> + +<p>"Well, tell me about the links,<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_98" id="Page_98">[Pg 77]</a></span> +Adonis," said I. "Getting there +seems to be an easy matter, but +after you get there, how about the +course? Is it eighteen holes?"</p> + +<p>"It is," said Adonis, "and of +proper length, too, and splendidly +arranged. You start at the club-house +right near the landing-stage +and play right around the planet, +so that when you're through you're +back at the club-house again. At +the ninth hole there is a half-way +house, where you can get nectar, +and ambrosia, and sarsaparilla, and +any other soft drink you want."</p> + +<p>"No hard drinks, eh?" I queried.</p> + +<p>"Not at the half-way house," said +Adonis. "We gods have too much +sense to indulge in hard drinks in +the middle of a game. If you want +hard drinks you have to wait till +you get back to the club-house."</p> + +<p>"That is rather sensible," I said, +as I thought of how a Martini cocktail +taken at the ninth hole had<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_99" id="Page_99">[Pg 78]</a></span> +ruined my chances in the Noodleport +Annual Handicap last autumn. +"But I say, Adonis," I added, "did +I understand you to say that you +played all around Mars?"</p> + +<p>"Yes—why not?" said he.</p> + +<p>"Pretty long holes, I should say," +said I. "Mars is four thousand +miles round, isn't it?"</p> + +<p>"You <i>are</i> an earth-worm," he +retorted, forgetting his place wholly +in his scorn for my picayune ideas. +"Calling a paltry four thousand miles +long—why, you can play around +that links in two hours and a half."</p> + +<p>"Indeed?" said I. "And how long +may your hours be? Everything +here is on such a magnificent scale, +I suppose one of your hours is about +equal to one of our decades."</p> + +<p>"Oh no," said Adonis. "It isn't +that way at all. Fact is, we make +our hours to suit ourselves. I am +merely reckoning on a basis that +you would comprehend. I meant<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_100" id="Page_100">[Pg 79]</a></span> +two and a half of your hours. Any +moderately expert player can play +the Mars links in that time. Take +the first hole, for instance—it's only +two hundred and fifty miles long."</p> + +<p>"Really—is that all!" I ejaculated, +growing sarcastic. "A drive, two +brassies, an approach, and forty +puts, I presume?"</p> + +<p>"For a duffer, perhaps," retorted +Adonis. "Willie Phœbus does it +in six. A seventy-five-mile drive, +a seventy-mile brassie, a loft over +the canal for twenty-five miles, a +forty-five-mile cleak, a thirty-mile +approach, and—"</p> + +<p>"A dead easy put of five miles!" +I put in, making a pretence of being +no longer astonished.</p> + +<p>"That's the idea," said Adonis. +"Of course, everybody can't do it," +he added. "And bogie for that +hole is really seven. Willie Phœbus +played too well for a gentleman, so +we made him a professional. He'll<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_101" id="Page_101">[Pg 80]</a></span> +give you lessons for a thousand +dollars an hour, if you want him +to."</p> + +<p>"Thanks," said I. "I'll think +about it. Can he teach me how to +drive a ball seventy-five miles?"</p> + +<p>"That depends on your capacity," +said Adonis. "Some of the best +players frequently drive seventy-five +miles—the record is ninety-six +miles, made by Jove himself. +Willie taught him."</p> + +<p>"For Heaven's sake!" I cried, +losing my self-poise for an instant. +"What do you drive with? Olympian +Gatling guns?"</p> + +<p>"Not at all," replied Adonis. "We +use one of our regular drivers—the +best is called the 'celestial catapult.' +Phœbus sells 'em at the Caddie House +for five hundred dollars apiece. If +you strike a ball fair and square +with the 'celestial catapult,' and +neither pull nor slice, it can't help +going forty miles, anyhow."</p><p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_102" id="Page_102">[Pg 81]</a></span></p> + +<p>"And how, may I ask, do the caddies +find a ball that goes seventy-five +miles?"</p> + +<p>"They don't have to. All our +balls are self-finding," said Adonis. +"The ball in use now is a recent +invention of Vulcan's. They cost +twelve hundred dollars a dozen. +They are made of liquefied electricity. +We take the electric current, +liquefy it, then solidify it, then +mould it into the form of a sphere. +Inside we place a little gong, that +begins to ring as soon as the ball +lands. The electricity in it is what +makes it fly so rapidly and so far, +and even you mortals know the principle +of the electric bell."</p> + +<p>"Oh, indeed we do," said I, pulling +at my mustache nervously. I +was beginning to get excited over +this celestial golf. On earth I have +all of the essentials of a first-class +golf maniac, except the ability to +play the game. But this so far<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_103" id="Page_103">[Pg 82]</a></span> +surpassed anything I had ever seen +or imagined before that I was growing +too keen over it for comfort. +I was in real need of having my +spirits curbed, so I ventured to inquire +after a phase of the game +that has always dampened my ardor +in the past—the caddie service. I +did not expect that this could attain +perfection even in Olympus, and I +was not far wrong.</p> + +<p>"You must have pretty lively +caddies," I threw out.</p> + +<p>Adonis sighed. "You'd think so, +but that's where we are always +in trouble. We've tried various +schemes, but they haven't any of +'em worked well. At first we took +our own Olympian boys. We got +the mother of the Gracchi to lend +us her offspring, but they weren't +worth a rap. Then we hired forty +little devils from Hades, and we +had to send them back inside of a +week. They were regular little imps.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_104" id="Page_104">[Pg 83]</a></span> +They were cutting up monkey shines +all the time, and waggled their +horrid little tails so constantly that +Jove himself couldn't keep his eye +on the ball—and the language they +used was something frightful. You +couldn't trust them to clean your +clubs, because there wasn't any power +anywhere that could keep them +from running off with 'em; and in +the matter of balls, they'd steal +every blessed one they could lay +their hands on. We finally had to +employ cherubs. We've about sixty +of 'em on hand now all the time, +and they come as near being perfect +as you could expect. Ever see a +cherub?"</p> + +<p>"Only in pictures," said I. +"They're just heads with wings, +aren't they?"</p> + +<p>"Yes," said Adonis, "and, having +no bodies, they're seldom in the +way, and some of the best of 'em +can fly almost as fast as the ball."</p><p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_105" id="Page_105">[Pg 84]</a></span></p> + +<p>"How do they carry the bags?" +I asked, much interested.</p> + +<p>"They hang 'em about their necks, +just above their wings," Adonis +explained, "but even they are not +perfect. They fly very carelessly, +and often, in swooping about the +sky, drop your clubs out of the bag +and smash 'em; and they all look +so infernally alike that you can +never tell your own caddy from +the other fellow's, which is sometimes +very confusing."</p> + +<p>"Still," I put in, "a caddie with +no pockets is a very safe person to +intrust with golf balls."</p> + +<p>"That's very true," said Adonis, +"and I suppose the cherubs make +as good caddies as we can expect. +Caddies will be caddies, and that's +the end of it. You can't expect +a caddie to do just right any more +than you can expect water to flow +uphill. There are certain immutable +laws of the universe which +<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_107" id="Page_107"></a></span><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_108" id="Page_108">[Pg 85]</a></span>are as unchangeable in Olympus +as on earth or in Hades. Ice is +cold, fire is hot, water is wet, and +caddies are caddies."</p> +<p><a name="Page_106" id="Page_106"></a></p> +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 500px;"> +<a href="images/image11h.jpg"> +<img src="images/image11.jpg" width="500" height="323" alt="THE OLYMPIAN LINKS" title="" /></a> +</div> + +<p>"Very true," said I, reflecting +upon the ways of "Some Caddies +I have Met." "What do you pay +them a round?"</p> + +<p>"One hundred and twenty-five +dollars," said Adonis.</p> + +<p>"Cheap enough," said I. "But +tell me, Adonis," I continued, "who +is your amateur champion?"</p> + +<p>"Jupiter, of course," said Adonis, +with an impatient shake of his +head. "He's champion of everything. +It's one of his prerogatives. +We don't any of us dare win a cup +from him for fear he'll use his power +to destroy us. That is one of the +features of this Olympian life that +is not pleasant—though, for goodness' +sake, don't say I told you! +He'd send me into perpetual exile if +he knew I'd spoken that way. He's<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_109" id="Page_109">[Pg 86]</a></span> +threatened to make me Governor-General +of the Dipper half a dozen +times already for things I've said, +and I have to be very careful, or +he'll do it."</p> + +<p>"An unpleasant post, that?"</p> + +<p>"Well," he said, "I don't exactly +know how to compare it so that +you would understand precisely. I +should say, however, it would be +about as agreeable as being United +States ambassador to Borneo."</p> + +<p>"I'll never tell, Adonis," said I, +"and I'm very much obliged to +you for our pleasant chat. Your +description of the links has interested +me hugely. If I could afford a +game at your prices, I think I'd play."</p> + +<p>"Oh, as for that," said Adonis, +laughing, "don't let that bother +you. Whenever you want to pay +a bill here all you have to do is to +press the cash button on the teleseme +over there, and they'll send the money +up from the office."</p><p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_110" id="Page_110">[Pg 87]</a></span></p> + +<p>"But how shall I ever repay the +office?" I cried.</p> + +<p>"Press the button to the left of +it, and they'll send you up a receipt +in full," he replied.</p> + +<p>"You mean to say that this hotel +is run—" I began.</p> + +<p>"On the Olympian plan," interrupted +the valet with a low bow. +"All bills here are of that pleasing +variety known as 'Self-paying.'"</p> + +<p>With which comforting assurance +Adonis left me, and I started for the +dining-room, my appetite considerably +whetted by the idea of a game of +golf over links four thousand miles +in length with balls that could be +driven fifty or sixty miles, and cherubs +for caddies, at no cost to myself +whatsoever.</p> + + + +<hr style="width: 65%;" /><p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_111" id="Page_111">[Pg 88]</a></span></p> +<h2><a name="VI" id="VI"></a>VI</h2> + +<h2>In the Dining-Room</h2> + + +<p>As I emerged from the door +of my room into the hall, I +found a small sedan-chair, +of highly ornamental make, +awaiting my convenience, carried +upon the shoulders of two diminutive +boys, who were as black, and shone +as lustrously, as a bit of highly +polished ebony. I had never seen +their like before, save in an occasional +bit of statuary in Italy, +wherein marbles of differing hue +and shade had been ingeniously +used by the sculptor to give color +to his work. The boys themselves, +as I have said, were of polished<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_112" id="Page_112">[Pg 89]</a></span> +ebony hue, while the breech-cloths +which formed their sole garment were +of purest alabaster white. Upon +their heads were turbans of pink. +They grinned broadly as I came +out, and opened the door of the chair +for me.</p> + +<p>"Dis way fo' de dinin'-room, +sah," said one of them, showing +a set of ivory teeth that dazzled +my eyes.</p> + +<p>I thanked him and entered the +chair. When I was seated, I turned +to the little chap.</p> + +<p>"What particular god do you +happen to be, Sambo?" I asked. +It was probably not the most reverent +way to put it, but in a community +like Olympus gods are really at a +discount, and the black particle was +so like a small pickaninny I used +to know in Savannah that I could +not address him as if he were Jupiter +himself.</p> + +<p>"Massy me, massa," he returned,<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_113" id="Page_113">[Pg 90]</a></span> +his smile nearly cutting the top +of his head off, reaching as it did +around to the back of his ears. "I +ain' no gord. I'se jess one o' dese +low-down or'nary toters. Me an' +him totes folks roun' de hotel."</p> + +<p>"A very useful function that, +Sambo; and where were you born?" I +asked. "North Carolina, or Georgia?"</p> + +<p>"Me?" he replied, looking at me +quizzically. "I guess yo's on'y foolin', +massa. Me? Why, I 'ain't never +been borned at all, sah—"</p> + +<p>"Jess growed, eh—like Topsy?" +I asked.</p> + +<p>"Who dat, Topsy?" he demanded.</p> + +<p>"Oh, she was a little nigger girl +that became very famous," I explained.</p> + +<p>"Doan' know nuffin' 'bout no +Topsy," he said, shaking his head. +"We ain' niggers, eider, yo' know, +me an' him ain't. We's statulary."</p> + +<p>"What?" I cried. The word seemed +new.</p><p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_114" id="Page_114">[Pg 91]</a></span></p> + +<p>"Statulary," he continued. "We +was carved, we was. There ain't +nothin' borned 'bout us. Never +knowed who pap was. Man jess +took a lot o' mahble, he did, an' +chiselled me an' him out."</p> + +<p>I eyed both boys closely and +perceived that in all probability he +spoke the truth. His flesh and dress +had all of the texture of marble, +but now the question came up as to +the gift of speech and movement +and the marvellous and graceful +flexibility of their limbs.</p> + +<p>"You can't fool me, Sambo," +said I. "You're nothing but a +very good-looking little nigger. You +can't make me believe that you are +another Galatea."</p> + +<p>"Doan' no nuffin' 'bout no gal's +tears," he returned instantly. "But +I done tole yo' de truf. Me an' +him was chiselled out o' brack marble +by pap. Ef we'd been borned +we'd been niggahs sho' nuff, but<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_115" id="Page_115">[Pg 92]</a></span> +bein' carvin's, like I tole yuh, we's +statulary."</p> + +<p>"But how does it come that if +you are only statuary, you can +move about, and talk, and breathe?" +I demanded.</p> + +<p>"Yo'll have to ask mistah Joop'ter +'bout dat," the boy answered. "He +done gave us dese gif's, an' we's +a-usin' ob 'em. De way it happened +was like o' dis. Me an' him was +a standin' upon a petterstal down +in one o' dem mahble yards what +dey calls gall'ries in Paris. We'd +been sent dah by de man what done +chiselled us, an' Joop'ter he came +'long wid Miss' Juno an' when he +seed us he said: 'Dare you is, Juno! +Dem boys'll make mighty good +buttonses foh de hotel.' Juno she +laffed, an' said dat was so, on'y +she couldn't see as we had many +buttons. 'Would you like to have +'em?' Joop'ter ast, and she said +'suttinly.' So he tu'ned hisself into<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_116" id="Page_116">[Pg 93]</a></span> +a 'Merican millionaire an' bought +me an' him off 'n de manager, an' +he had us sent here. All dat time +we was nuffin' but mahble figgers, +but soon's we arrived here, Joop'ter +sent us up-stairs to de lab'ratory, +an' fust ting me an' him knowed +we was livin' bein's."</p> + +<p>I admired Jupiter's taste, not failing +either to marvel at the wonderful +power which only once before, +as far as I knew, he had exerted to +give to a bit of sculpture all the +flush and glory of life, as in the +case set forth in the pathetic tale +of Pygmalion and Galatea.</p> + +<p>"And does he do this sort of thing +often?" I inquired.</p> + +<p>"Yass indeedy," said Sambo. +"He's doin' it all de time. Mos' +ob de help in dis hotel is statulary, +an' ef yo' wants to see a reel lively +time 'foh yo' goes back home, go +to de Zoo an' see 'em feed de Trojan +Hoss, an' de Cardiff Giant. He<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_117" id="Page_117">[Pg 94]</a></span> +brang bofe dem freaks to life, an' now +he can't get rid ob 'em. Dat Trojan +Hoss suttinly am a berry debbil. +He stans up gentle as a lamb tell he +gets about a hundred an' fifty people +inside o' him, an' den he p'tends +like he's gwine to run away, an' +he cyanters, an' cyanters aroun', +tell ebberybody's dat seasick dey +can't res'."</p> + +<p>I resolved then and there to see +the Trojan Horse, but not to get +inside of him. I never before had +suspected that the famous beast +had a sense of humor in his makeup. +I was about to make some +further inquiry when a bell above +us began to sound forth sonorously.</p> + +<p>"Massy me!" cried little Sambo, +springing to his place in front of +the chair. "Dat's de third an' lass +call for breakfas'. We done spent +too much time talkin'."</p> + +<p>With which observation, he and +his companion, shouldering their burden,<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_118" id="Page_118">[Pg 95]</a></span> +trotted along the richly furnished +hall to the dining-room. I then +observed a charming feature of life +in the Olympian Hotel, and I presume +it obtains elsewhere in that +favored spot. There are no such +things as stairs within its walls. +From the magnificent office on the +ground floor to the glorious dining-room +on the forty-eighth, the broad +corridor runs round and round and +round again with an upward incline +that is barely perceptible—indeed, +not perceptible at all either +to the eye or to the muscles of the +leg. And while there are the most +speedy elevators connecting all the +various floors, one can, if one chooses, +walk from cellar to roof of this marvellous +place without realizing that +he is mounting to an unusual elevation. +And in the evening these +corridors form a magnificent parade, +brilliantly lighted, upon which are +to be met all the wealth, beauty, and<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_119" id="Page_119">[Pg 96]</a></span> +fashion of Olympus—alas! that I +have no means of returning there +with certain of my friends with +whom I would share the good things +that have come into my life!</p> + +<p>But to return to the story. Sambo +and his brother soon "toted" me +to the entrance of the dining-room—graceful +little beggars they were, +too.</p> + +<p>"Your breakfast is ready, sir," +said the head waiter, bowing low.</p> + +<p>What impelled me to do so I shall +never know, but it was an inspiration. +I seemed to recognize the +man at once, and, as I had frequently +done on earth to my own advantage, +I addressed him by name.</p> + +<p>"Having a good season, Memnon?" +I said, slipping a silver dollar into +his hand.</p> + +<p>It worked. Whether I should have +found the same excellent service +had I not spoken pleasantly to him +I, of course, cannot say, but I have<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_120" id="Page_120">[Pg 97]</a></span> +never been so well cared for elsewhere. +The captious reader may +ask how anything so essentially +worldly as a silver dollar ever crept +into Olympus. I can only say that +one of the magic properties of the +garment I wore was that whatever +I put my hand into my pocket for, +I got. As a travelled American, +realizing the potency under similar +conditions of that heavy and ugly +coin, I instinctively sought for it +in my pocket and it was there. I +do not attempt to explain the process +of its getting there. It suffices +to say that, as the guest of the gods, +my every wish was met with speedy +attainment. I could not help but +marvel, too, at the appropriateness +of everything. What better than +that the King of the Ethiopians +should be head waiter to the gods!</p> + +<p>"Things are never dull here, sir," +said Memnon, pocketing my dollar +and escorting me to my table. "We<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_121" id="Page_121">[Pg 98]</a></span> +do not often have visitors like yourself, +however, and we are very glad +to see you."</p> + +<p>I sat down before a magnificent +window which seemed to open out +upon a universe hitherto undreamed +of.</p> + +<p>"Do you wish the news, sir?" +Memnon asked, respectfully.</p> + +<p>"Yes," said I. "Ah—news from +home, Memnon," I added.</p> + +<p>"Political or merely family?" said +he.</p> + +<p>"Family," said I.</p> + +<p>Memnon busied himself about the +window and in a moment, gazing +through it, I had the pleasure of +seeing my two boys eating their +supper and challenging each other +to mortal combat over a delinquent +strawberry resting upon the tablecloth.</p> + +<p>"Give me a little politics, Memnon," +said I, as the elder boy thrashed +the younger, not getting the strawberry,<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_122" id="Page_122">[Pg 99]</a></span> +however, which in a quick +moment, between blows, the younger +managed to swallow. "They seem +to be about as usual at home."</p> + +<p>And I was immediately made aware +of the intentions of the administration +at Washington merely by looking +through a window. There were +the President and his cabinet and—some +others who assist in making +up the mind of the statesman.</p> + +<p>"Now a dash of crime," said I.</p> + +<p>"High or low?" asked Memnon, +fingering the push-button alongside +of the window.</p> + +<p>"The highest you've got," said I.</p> + +<p>I shall not describe what I saw. +It was not very horrible. It was +rather discouraging. It dealt wholly +with the errors of what is known +as Society. It showed the mistakes +of persons for whom I had acquired +a feeling of awe. It showed so +much that I summoned Memnon +to shut the glass off. I was really<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_123" id="Page_123">[Pg 100]</a></span> +afraid somebody else might see. +And I did not wish to lose my respect +for people who were leaders in the +highest walks of social life. Still, +a great many things that have +happened since in high life have +not been wholly surprising to me. +I have furthermore so ordered my +own goings and comings since that +time that I have no fear of what +the Peeping Toms of Olympus may +see. If mankind could only be made +to understand that this window of +Olympus opens out upon every act +of their lives, there might be radical +reforms in some quarters where it +would do a deal of good, although +to the general public there seems to +be no need for it.</p> + +<p>At this point a waiter put a small +wafer about as large as a penny +upon the table.</p> + +<p>"H'm—what's that, Memnon?" I +asked.</p> + +<p>"Essence of melon," said he.</p><p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_124" id="Page_124">[Pg 101]</a></span></p> + +<p>"Good, is it?" I queried.</p> + +<p>"You might taste it and see, sir," +he said, with a smile. "It is one +of a lot especially prepared for Jupiter."</p> + +<p>I put the thing in my mouth, and +oh, the sensation that followed! I +have eaten melons, and I have dreamed +melons, but never in either experience +was there to be found such +an ecstasy of taste as I now got.</p> + +<p>"Another, Memnon—another!" I +cried.</p> + +<p>"If you wish, sir," said he. "But +very imprudent, sir. That wafer was +constructed from six hundred of +the choicest—"</p> + +<p>"Quite right," said I, realizing +the situation; "quite right. Six hundred +melons <i>are</i> enough for any +man. What do you propose to give +me now?"</p> + +<p>"<i>Oeufs Midas</i>," said Memnon.</p> + +<p>"Sounds rather rich," I observed.</p> + +<p>"It would cost you 4,650,000 francs<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_125" id="Page_125">[Pg 102]</a></span> +for a half portion at a Paris café, +if you could get it there—which +you can't."</p> + +<p>"And what, Memnon," said I, "is +the peculiarity of eggs <i>Midas</i>?"</p> + +<p>"It's nothing but an omelet, sir," +he replied; "but it is made of eggs +laid by the goose of whom you have +probably read in the <i>Personal Recollections +of Jack the Giant-Killer</i>. +They are solid gold."</p> + +<p>"Heavens!" I cried. "Solid gold! +Great Scott, Memnon, I can't digest +a solid gold omelet. What do you +think I am—an assay office?"</p> + +<p>Memnon grinned until every tooth +in his head showed, making his +mouth look like the keyboard of a +grand piano.</p> + +<p>"It is perfectly harmless the way +it is prepared in the kitchen, sir," +he explained. "It isn't an eighteen-karat +omelet, as you seem to think. +The eggs are solid, but the omelet +is not. It is, indeed, only six karats<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_126" id="Page_126">[Pg 103]</a></span> +fine. The alloy consists largely of +lactopeptine, hydrochloric acid, and +various other efficient digestives +which render it innocuous to the +most delicate digestion."</p> + +<p>"Very well, Memnon," I replied, +making a wry face, "bring it on. +I'll try a little of it, anyhow." I +must confess it did not sound inviting, +but a guest should never criticise +the food that is placed before him. +My politeness was well repaid, for +nothing more delicate in the way +of an omelet has ever titillated my +palate. There was a slight metallic +taste about it at first, but I +soon got over that, just as I have +got used to English oysters, which, +when I eat them, make me feel for a +moment as if I had bitten off the +end of a brass door-knob; and had +I not calculated the cost, I should +have asked for a second helping.</p> + +<p>Memnon then brought me a platter +containing a small object that looked<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_127" id="Page_127">[Pg 104]</a></span> +like a Hamburg steak, and a most +delicious cup of <i>café au lait</i>.</p> + +<p>"Filet Olympus," he observed, +"and coffee direct from the dairy +of the gods."</p> + +<p>Both were a joy.</p> + +<p>"Never tasted such a steak!" I +said, as the delicate morsel actually +melted like butter in my mouth.</p> + +<p>"No, sir, you never did," Memnon +agreed. "It is cut from the steer +bred for the sole purpose of supplying +Jupiter and his family with +tenderloin. We take the calf when +it is very young, sir, and surround +it with all the luxuries of a bovine +existence. It is fed on the most +delicate fodder, especially prepared +by chemists under the direction of +Æsculapius. The cattle, instead of +toughening their muscles by walking +to pasture, are waited upon +by cow-boys in livery. A gentle +amount of exercise, just enough +to keep them in condition, is taken +<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_129" id="Page_129"></a></span><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_130" id="Page_130">[Pg 105]</a></span>at regular hours every day, and +at night they are put to sleep in +feather beds and covered with eiderdown +quilts at seven o'clock."</p> + +<p>"Don't they rebel?" I asked. "I +should think a moderately active +calf would be hard to manage that +way."</p> +<p><a name="Page_128" id="Page_128"></a></p> +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 500px;"> +<a href="images/image12h.jpg"> +<img src="images/image12.jpg" width="500" height="324" alt="CARING FOR THE CALVES" title="" /></a> +</div> + +<p>"Oh, at first a little, but after +a while they come to like it, and +by the time they are ready for killing +they are as tender as humming +birds' tongues," said Memnon. "If +you take him young enough, you +can do almost anything you like +with a calf."</p> + +<p>It seemed like a marvellous scheme, +and far more humane than that of +fattening geese for the sale of their +livers.</p> + +<p>"And this coffee, Memnon? You +said it was fresh from the dairy of +the gods. You get your coffee from +the dairy?" I asked.</p> + +<p>"The breakfast coffee—yes, sir,"<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_131" id="Page_131">[Pg 106]</a></span> +replied Memnon. "Fresh every +morning. You must ask the steward +to let you see the <i>café-au-lait</i> herd—"</p> + +<p>"The what?" I demanded.</p> + +<p>"The <i>café-au-lait herd</i>," repeated +Memnon. "A special permit is required +to go through the coffee +pasture where these cows are fed. +Some one, who had a grudge against +Pales, who is in charge of the dairymaids, +got into the field one night +and sowed a lot of chicory in with +the coffee, and the result was that +the next season we got the worst +coffee from those cows you ever +tasted. So they made a rule that +no one is allowed to go there any +more without a card from the steward."</p> + +<p>"You don't mean to say—" I +began.</p> + +<p>"Yes, I do," said Memnon. "It +is true. We pasture our cows on a +coffee farm, and, instead of milk, +we get this that you are drinking."</p><p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_132" id="Page_132">[Pg 107]</a></span></p> + +<p>"Wonderful idea!" said I.</p> + +<p>"It is, indeed," said Memnon; +"that is, from your point of view. +From ours, it does not seem so +strange. We are used to marvels +here, sir," he continued. "Would +you care for anything more, sir?"</p> + +<p>"No, Memnon," said I. "I have +fared sumptuously—my—ah—my +appetite is somewhat taken away by +all these tremendous things."</p> + +<p>"I will have an appetite up for +you, if you wish," he replied, simply, +as if it were the easiest thing in +the world.</p> + +<p>"No, thank you," said I. "I +think I'll wait until I am acclimated. +I never eat heavily for the first +twenty-four hours when I am in a +strange place."</p> + +<p>And with this I went to the door, +feeling, I must confess, a trifle ill. +The steak and coffee were all right, +but there was a suggestion of pain +in my right side. I could not make<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_133" id="Page_133">[Pg 108]</a></span> +up my mind if it were the six hundred +melons or whether a nugget from +the omelet had got caught in my +vermiform appendix.</p> + +<p>At any rate, I didn't wish to eat +again just then.</p> + +<p>At the door the sedan-chair and +the two little blackamoors were awaiting +me.</p> + +<p>"We have orders to take you to +the Zoo, sah," said Sambo.</p> + +<p>"All right, Sambo," said I. "I'm +all ready. A little air will do me +good."</p> + +<p>And we moved along.</p> + +<p>I forgot to mention that, as he +closed the chair door upon me, +Memnon handed me back the silver +dollar I had given him.</p> + +<p>"What is this, Memnon?" said I.</p> + +<p>"The dollar you wished me to +keep for you, sir," he replied.</p> + +<p>"But I intended it for you," said I.</p> + +<p>His face flushed.</p> + +<p>"I am just as much obliged, sir,<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_134" id="Page_134">[Pg 109]</a></span> +but, really, I couldn't, you know. +We don't take tips in Olympus, sir."</p> + +<p>"Indeed?" said I. "Well—I'm +sorry to have offended you, Memnon. +I meant it all right. Why didn't +you tell me when I gave it you?"</p> + +<p>"I should have given you a check +for it, sir. I supposed you didn't +wish to carry anything so heavy +about with you."</p> + +<p>"Ah!" said I, replacing the dollar +in my pocket. "Thank you for +your care of it, Memnon. No offence, +I hope?"</p> + +<p>"None at all, sir," he replied, +again showing his wonderful ivory +teeth. "I don't take offence at anything +so trifling. Had you handed +me a billion dollars, I should have +declined to wait on you."</p> + +<p>And he bowed me away in a fashion +which made me feel keenly the +narrowness of my escape.</p> + + + +<hr style="width: 65%;" /><p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_135" id="Page_135">[Pg 110]</a></span></p> +<h2><a name="VII" id="VII"></a>VII</h2> + +<h2>Æsculapius, M.D.</h2> + + +<p>We had not gone very far +along when the pain in +my side became poignant +and I called out of the +window to Sambo:</p> + +<p>"Sammy, is there a doctor anywhere +on the way out to the Zoo?" +I asked.</p> + +<p>"Yassir," he replied, slowing down +a trifle. "We gotter go right by +de doh ob Dr. Skilapius."</p> + +<p>"Doctor who?" I asked—the name +was new to me.</p> + +<p>"'Tain't <i>Skill</i>-apius," growled the +boy behind, who seemed rather jealous +that I had taken no notice of +him. "It's Eee-skill-apius."</p><p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_136" id="Page_136">[Pg 111]</a></span></p> + +<p>"Oh," said I, beginning to catch +their drift. "Dr. Æsculapius. Is +that what you are trying to say?"</p> + +<p>"Yassir," said both boys. "Dass +de man."</p> + +<p>"Well, stop at his office a moment," +said I. "I'm feeling a trifle ill."</p> + +<p>In a few minutes we drew up before +a large door to the right of the corridor +before which there hung a +shingle marked in large gilt letters:</p> + +<div class="bbox" style="width: 20em;"> +<table summary="The doctor's shingle"> +<colgroup span="3" width="300"> +</colgroup> +<tr><td></td></tr> +<tr><td colspan="3" align='center'><big>ÆSCULAPIUS, M.D.</big></td></tr> +<tr><td></td></tr> +<tr><td colspan="2" align='right'>Office Hours: 10 to 12.</td></tr> +<tr><td></td><td></td><td align='center'>Tuesdays.</td></tr> +<tr><td></td></tr> +</table> +</div> + +<p>I knocked at the door and was +promptly admitted.</p> + +<p>"I wish to see the doctor," said I.</p> + +<p>"This is Monday, sir," the maid +replied—I couldn't quite place her, +but she seemed rather above her<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_137" id="Page_137">[Pg 112]</a></span> +station and was stunningly beautiful.</p> + +<p>"What of that?" I demanded, as +fiercely as I could, considering how +pretty the maid was.</p> + +<p>"The doctor can only be seen on +Tuesdays," said she. "It's on the +door."</p> + +<p>"But I'm sick," I cried. "Very +sick, indeed."</p> + +<p>"No doubt," she replied, with a +shrug of her shoulders that I found +very fetching. "Else you would +not have come. But you are not +so sick that you can't wait until +to-morrow, or if you are, you might +as well die, because the doctor won't +take a case he can't think over a +week."</p> + +<p>"Nice arrangement, that," said +I, scornfully. "It may do very well +for immortals, but for a mortal it's +pretty poor business."</p> + +<p>The maid's manner underwent +an immediate change.</p> +<p><a name="Page_138" id="Page_138"></a></p> +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 500px;"> +<a href="images/image13h.jpg"> +<img src="images/image13.jpg" width="285" height="500" alt=""'THEN YOU MUST DIE'"" title="" /></a> +</div> +<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_139" id="Page_139"></a></span></p><p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_140" id="Page_140">[Pg 113]</a></span></p> +<p>"Excuse me, sir," she said, making +me a courtesy. "I did not know +you were a mortal. I presumed you +were a minor god. The doctor will +see you at once."</p> + +<p>I was ushered into the consulting-room +immediately—in fact, too quickly. +I wanted to thank the pretty +maid for taking me for an immortal. +There was no time for this, however, +for in a moment Æsculapius himself +appeared.</p> + +<p>"You must pardon Alcestis," he +said, after the first greetings were +over. "She is new to the business +and doesn't know a god from a hole +in the ground. She presumed you +were immortal and did not realize +the emergency."</p> + +<p>"That's all right, doctor," said I, +glad to learn who the entrancing +person at the door was. "I've called +to see you because—"</p> + +<p>"Pray be silent," the doctor interrupted, +holding his hand up in<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_141" id="Page_141">[Pg 114]</a></span> +admonition. "Let me discover your +symptoms for myself. It is the +surer method. Physicians in your +world are frequently led astray +by placing too much reliance upon +what their patients tell them. I +have devised a new system. <i>Believe +nothing the patient says.</i> See? If +a man tells me he has a headache, +I send him to a chiropodist. If his +ankle pains him, I send him to an +oculist. If he says his chest is +oppressed, I have him treated for +spinal meningitis; and an alleged +pain in the back my assistants cure +by placing a mustard plaster on +the throat."</p> + +<p>"Then your medical principles +are based on what, doctor?" I asked, +somewhat amused.</p> + +<p>"A simple motto which prevails +among you mortals: 'All men are +liars'—'Omnes homines mendaces +sunt.' It is safer than your accepted +methods below. A sick man is the<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_142" id="Page_142">[Pg 115]</a></span> +last man in the universe to describe +his symptoms accurately. The mere +fact that he is ill distorts his judgment. +Therefore, I never allow it. +If I can't find out for myself what +is the matter with a patient, I give +up the case."</p> + +<p>"And the patient dies?" I suggested.</p> + +<p>"Not if he is an immortal," he +replied, quietly. "Come over here," +he added, indicating a spot near +the window where there was a strong +light. I went, and Æsculapius, taking +a pair of eye-glasses from a +cabinet in one corner of his apartment, +placed them on the bridge of +his nose.</p> + +<p>"Now look out of the window," +said he. "To the left."</p> + +<p>I obeyed at once. What I saw +may not be described. I shrank +back in horror, for I saw so much +real suffering that my own trouble +grew less in intensity.</p><p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_143" id="Page_143">[Pg 116]</a></span></p> + +<p>"Now look me straight in the +eye," said Æsculapius, an amused +smile playing about his lips.</p> + +<p>I turned my vision straight upon +his glasses and was abashed. I +averted my glance.</p> + +<p>"Nonsense," said he, taking me +by the shoulders. "Look at my +pupils—straight—don't be afraid—there! +That's it. These glasses +won't hurt you, and, after all, I'm +not very terrible," he added, genially.</p> + +<p>It required an effort, but I made +it, although, in so doing, I seemed +to be turning my soul inside out +for his inspection.</p> + +<p>"H'm," breathed Æsculapius. +"Rather serious. You think you +have appendicitis."</p> + +<p>"Have I?" I cried.</p> + +<p>Æsculapius laughed. "<i>Have</i> you?" +he asked. "What do you think you +think?"</p> + +<p>"I think I have," said I, my heart<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_144" id="Page_144">[Pg 117]</a></span> +growing faint at the very thought +I thought I was thinking.</p> + +<p>"You are at least sure of your convictions," +said Æsculapius. "Now, +as a matter of fact, the thoughts your +thoughtful nature has induced you +to think are utterly valueless. You +have a pain in your side?"</p> + +<p>"Yes," said I. "And a very +painful pain in my side—and I +am not putting on any side in my +pain either," I added.</p> + +<p>"No doubt," said Æsculapius. +"But are you sure it is in your side, +or isn't it your chest that aches a +trifle, eh?"</p> + +<p>"Not much," said I, growing +doubtful on the subject.</p> + +<p>"Still it aches," said he.</p> + +<p>"Yes," I answered, the pain in +my side weakening in favor of one +in my chest. "It does." And it +really did, like the deuce.</p> + +<p>"Now about that pain in your +chest," said Æsculapius. "Isn't it<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_145" id="Page_145">[Pg 118]</a></span> +rather higher up—in your throat, +instead of your chest?"</p> + +<p>My throat began to hurt, and +abominably. Every particle of it +throbbed with pain, and my chest +was immediately relieved.</p> + +<p>"I think," said I, weakly, "that +the pain <i>is</i> rather in my throat than +in my chest."</p> + +<p>"But your side doesn't ache at +all?" suggested Æsculapius.</p> + +<p>I had forgotten my side altogether.</p> + +<p>"Not a bit," said I; and it didn't.</p> + +<p>"So far, so good," said the doctor. +"Now, my friend, about this throat +trouble of yours. Do you think you +have diphtheria, or merely toothache?"</p> + +<p>I hadn't thought of toothache +before, but as soon as the doctor +mentioned it, a pang went through +my lower jaw, and my larynx seemed +all right again.</p> + +<p>"Well, doctor," said I, "as a +<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_147" id="Page_147"></a></span><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_148" id="Page_148">[Pg 119]</a></span> +matter of fact, the pain does seem +to be in my wisdom teeth."</p> + +<p>"So-called," said he, quietly. +"More tooth than wisdom, generally. +And not in your throat?" continued +the doctor.</p> +<p><a name="Page_146" id="Page_146"></a></p> +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 500px;"> +<a href="images/image14h.jpg"> +<img src="images/image14.jpg" width="500" height="315" alt="I VISIT ÆSCULAPIUS" title="" /></a> +</div> + +<p>"Not a bit of it," said I. My +throat seemed strong enough for +a political campaign in which I +was principal speaker. "It's <i>all</i> in +my teeth."</p> + +<p>"Upper or lower?" he asked, with +a laugh, and then he gazed fixedly +at me.</p> + +<p>I had not realized that I had upper +teeth until he spoke, and a shudder +went through me as a semicircle +of pain shot through my upper +jaw.</p> + +<p>"Upper," I retorted, with some +surliness.</p> + +<p>"Verging a trifle on your cheekbones, +and thence to the optic nerve," +he said, calmly, still gazing into my +soul. "I'll try your sight. Look<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_149" id="Page_149">[Pg 120]</a></span> +at that card over there, and tell +me—"</p> + +<p>"What nonsense is this, doctor?" +I cried, angry at his airy manner +and manifest control over my symptoms. +"There is nothing the matter +with my eyes. They're as good +as any one of the million eyes of +your friend the Argus."</p> + +<p>"Then what, in the name of Jupiter, +is the matter with you?" he +ejaculated, elevating his eyebrows.</p> + +<p>"Nothing at all," said I, sulkily.</p> + +<p>Æsculapius threw himself on the +sofa and roared with laughter.</p> + +<p>"Perfectly splendid!" he said, +when he had recovered from his +mirth. "Perfectly splendid! You +are the best example of the value +of my system I've had in a long +time. Now let me show you something," +he added. "Put these glasses +on."</p> + +<p>He took the glasses from his nose +and put them astride of mine, and<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_150" id="Page_150">[Pg 121]</a></span> +lead me before a mirror—a cheval-glass +arrangement that stood in one +corner of the room.</p> + +<p>"Now look yourself straight in +the eye," said he.</p> + +<p>I did so, and truly it was as if I +looked upon the page of a book +printed in the largest and clearest +type. I hesitate to say what I saw +written there, since the glass was +strong enough to reach not only +the mind itself, but further into +the very depths of my subself-consciousness. +On the surface, man +thinks well of himself; this continues +in modified intensity to his +self-consciousness, but the fool does +not live who, in his subself-consciousness, +the Holy of Holies of +Realization, does not know that he +is a fool.</p> + +<p>"Take 'em off," I cried, for they +seemed to burn into the very depths +of my soul.</p> + +<p>"That isn't necessary," said<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_151" id="Page_151">[Pg 122]</a></span> +Æsculapius, kindly. "Just turn +your eyes away from the glass a +moment and they won't bother you. +I want to cure this trouble of yours."</p> + +<p>I stopped looking at myself in +the mirror and the tense condition +of my nerves was immediately relieved.</p> + +<p>"Feel better right away, eh?" he +asked.</p> + +<p>"Yes," I admitted.</p> + +<p>"So I thought," he said. "You've +momentarily given up self-contemplation. +Now lower your gaze. Look +at your chest a moment."</p> + +<p>Just what were the properties +of the glass I do not know, nor do +I know how one's chest should +look, but, as I looked down, I found +that just as I could penetrate to +the depths of my mind through +my eyes, so was it possible for me +to inspect myself physically.</p> + +<p>"Nothing the matter there, eh?" +said Æsculapius.</p><p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_152" id="Page_152">[Pg 123]</a></span></p> + +<p>"Not that I can see," said I.</p> + +<p>"Nor I," said he. "Now, if you +think there is anything the matter +with you anywhere else," he added, +"you are welcome to use the glasses +as long as you see fit."</p> + +<p>I took a sneaking glance at my +right side and was immediately +made aware of the fact that all was +well with me there, and that all +my trouble had come from my ill-advised +"wondering" whether that +Midas omelet would bother me or +not.</p> + +<p>"These glasses are wonderful," +said I.</p> + +<p>"They are a great help," said +Æsculapius.</p> + +<p>"And do you always permit your +patients to put them on?" I asked.</p> + +<p>"Not always," said he. "Sometimes +people really have something +the matter with them. More often, +of course, they haven't. It would +never do to let a really sick man see<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_153" id="Page_153">[Pg 124]</a></span> +his condition. If they are ill, I +can see at once what is the matter +by means of these spectacles, and +can, of course, prescribe. If they +are not, there is no surer means of +effecting a cure than putting these +on the patient's nose and letting +him see for himself that he is all +right."</p> + +<p>"They have all the quality of the +X-ray light," I suggested, turning +my gaze upon an iron safe in the +corner of the room, which immediately +disclosed its contents.</p> + +<p>"They are X-ray glasses," said +Æsculapius. "In a good light you +can see through anything with 'em +on. I have lenses of the same +kind in my window, and when you +came up I looked at you through +the window-pane and saw at once +that there was nothing the matter +with you."</p> + +<p>"I wish our earthly doctors had +glasses like these," I ventured, taking<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_154" id="Page_154">[Pg 125]</a></span> +them off, for truly I was beginning +to fancy a strain.</p> + +<p>"They have—or at least they +have something quite as good," +said Æsculapius. "They are all my +disciples, and in the best instances +they can see through the average +patient without them. They have +insight. You don't believe you deceive +your physician, do you?"</p> + +<p>"I have sometimes thought so," +said I, not realizing the trap the +doctor was setting.</p> + +<p>"How foolish!" he cried. "Why +should you wish to?"</p> + +<p>I was covered with confusion.</p> + +<p>"Never mind," said Æsculapius, +smiling pleasantly. "You are only +human and cannot help yourself. +It is your imagination leads you +astray. Half the time when you +send for your physician there is +nothing the matter with you."</p> + +<p>"He always prescribes," I retorted.</p><p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_155" id="Page_155">[Pg 126]</a></span></p> + +<p>"That is for your comfort, not +his," said Æsculapius, firmly.</p> + +<p>"And sometimes they operate when +it isn't necessary," I put in, persistently.</p> + +<p>"True," said Æsculapius. "Very +true. Because if they didn't, the +patient would die of worry."</p> + +<p>"Humph!" said I, incredulous. +"I never knew that the operation +for appendicitis was a mind cure."</p> + +<p>"It is—frequently," observed the +doctor. "There are more people, +my friend, who have appendicitis +on their minds than there are those +who have it in their vermiforms. +Don't forget that."</p> + +<p>It was a revelation, and, to tell +the truth, it has been a revelation +of comfort ever since.</p> + +<p>"I fancy, doctor," said I, after +a pause, "that you are a Christian +Scientist. All troubles are fanciful +and indicative of a perverse soul."</p> + +<p>Æsculapius flushed.</p><p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_156" id="Page_156">[Pg 127]</a></span></p> + +<p>"If one of the gods had said that," +he replied, "I should have operated +upon him. As a mortal, you are +privileged to say unpleasant things, +just as a child may say things to +his elders with impunity which merit +extreme punishment. Christian Science +is all right when you are truly +well—in good physical condition. It +is a sure cure for imaginary troubles, +but when you are really sick, it +is not of Olympus, but of Hades."</p> + +<p>Æsculapius spoke with all the +passion of a mortal, and I was embarrassed. +"I did not mean to say +anything unpleasant, doctor," said I.</p> + +<p>"That's all right, my lad," said +Æsculapius, patting me on the back. +"I knew that. If I hadn't known +it, you'd have been on the table +by this time. And now, good-bye. +Curb your imagination. Think +about others. Don't worry about +yourself without cause, and never +send for a doctor unless you know<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_157" id="Page_157">[Pg 128]</a></span> +there's something wrong. If I had +my way you mortals would be +deprived of imagination. That is +your worst disease, and if at any +time you wish yours amputated, +come to me and I'll fix you out."</p> + +<p>"Thanks, doctor," I replied; "but +I don't think I'll accept your offer, +because I need my imagination in +my business."</p> + +<p>And then, realizing that I had +received my <i>congé</i>, I prepared to +depart.</p> + +<p>"How much do I owe you, doctor?" +I asked, putting my hand +into the pocket of my gown, confident +of finding whatever I should +need.</p> + +<p>"Nothing," said he. "The real +physician can never be paid. He +either restores your health or he +does not. If he restores your health, +he saves your life, and he is entitled +to what your life is worth. +If he does not restore your health—he<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_158" id="Page_158">[Pg 129]</a></span> +has failed, and is entitled to +nothing. All you have will never +pay your doctor for what he does +for you. Therefore, go in peace."</p> + +<p>I stood abashed in the presence of +this wise man, and, as I went forth +from his office, I realized the truth +of what he had said. In our own +world we place a value upon the +service of the man who carries us +over the hard and the dark places. +Yet who can really repay him for +all that he does for us when by his +skill alone we are rescued from +peril?</p> + +<p>I re-entered my sedan-chair and +set the blackies off again, with +something potent in my mind—how +much I truly owed to the good +man who has taken at times the +health of my children, of my wife, +of myself, in his hands and has +seen us safely through to port. I +have not yet been able to estimate +it, but if ever he reads these lines,<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_159" id="Page_159">[Pg 130]</a></span> +he will know that I pay him in gratitude +that which the world with all +its wealth cannot give.</p> + +<p>"Now for the Zoo, boys," I cried. +"Æsculapius has fixed me up."</p> + +<p>And we scampered on.</p> + + + +<hr style="width: 65%;" /><p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_160" id="Page_160">[Pg 131]</a></span></p> +<h2><a name="VIII" id="VIII"></a>VIII</h2> + +<h2>At the Zoo</h2> + + +<p>We had not travelled far +from the office of Æsculapius +when my little carriers +turned from the broad +and beautiful corridor into a narrow +passage, through which they proceeded +with some difficulty until +we reached the other side of this +strangely constructed home of the +gods. As we emerged into the light +of day, the view that presented +itself was indescribably beautiful. +I have looked from our own hills at +home upon many a scene of grandeur. +From the mountain peaks of New +Hampshire, with the sun streaming<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_161" id="Page_161">[Pg 132]</a></span> +down upon me, I have looked upon +the valleys beneath through rifts +in clouds that had not ventured +so high, and were drenching the +glorious green below with refreshing +rains, and have stood awed in the +presence of one of the simplest moods +of nature. But the sight that greeted +my eyes as I passed along that +exterior road of Olympus, under +the genial auspices of those wonderful +gods, appealed to something +in my soul which had never before +been awakened, and which I shall +never be able adequately to describe. +The mere act of seeing seemed to +be uplifting, and, from the moment +I looked downward upon the beloved +earth, I ceased to wonder that +gods were godlike—indeed, my real +wonder was that they were not +more so. It seemed difficult to believe +that there was anything earthly +about earth. The world was idealized +even to myself, who had never<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_162" id="Page_162">[Pg 133]</a></span> +held it to be a bad sort of place. +There were rich pastures, green to +the most soul-satisfying degree, upon +which cattle fed and lived their lives +of content; here and there were the +great cities of earth seen through a +haze that softened all their roughness; +nothing sordid appeared; only +the fair side of life was visible.</p> + +<p>And I began to see how it came +about that these Olympian gods +had lost control over man. If the +world, with all its joys and all its +miseries, presents to the controlling +power merely its joyous side, what +sympathy can one look for in one's +deity? There was Paris and Notre +Dame in the sunlight. But the +Morgue at the back of Notre Dame—in +the shadow of its sunlit towers—that +was not visible to the eye +of the casual god who drove his +blackamoors along that entrancing +roadway. There was London and +the inspiring pile of Westminster<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_163" id="Page_163">[Pg 134]</a></span> +showing up its majestic top, lit by +the wondrous light of the sun—but +still undiscovered of the gods +there rolled on its farther side the +Thames, dark as the Styx, a very +grave of ambition, yet the last solace +of many a despairing soul. London +Bridge may tell the gods of much +that may not be seen from that +glorious driveway along the exterior +of Olympus.</p> + +<p>I found myself growing maudlin, +and I pulled myself together.</p> + +<p>"Magnificent view, Sammy," said I.</p> + +<p>"Yassir," he replied, trotting along +faithfully. "Dass what dey all says. +<i>I</i> 'ain't nebber seen it. 'Ain't got +time to look at it."</p> + +<p>"Well, stop a moment and look," +said I. "Isn't it magnificent?"</p> + +<p>The blackies stopped and looked.</p> + +<p>"Putty good," said Sammy, "but +I doan' care fo' views," he added. +"Dey makes me dizzy."</p> + +<p>I gave Sammy up from that moment.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_164" id="Page_164">[Pg 135]</a></span> +He was well carved, a work +of art, in fact, but he was essentially +modern, and I was living in the +antique.</p> + +<p>"Hustle along to the Zoo," I +cried, with some impatience, and I +was truly "hustled."</p> + +<p>"Here we is," said Sammy, settling +down on his haunches at the +end of a five-mile trot. "Dis is it."</p> + +<p>We had stopped before a gate +not entirely unlike those the Japanese +erect before popular places of amusement +they frequent.</p> + +<p>I descended from the chair and +was greeted by an attendant who +demanded to know what I wished +to see.</p> + +<p>"The animals," said I.</p> + +<p>He laughed. "Well," he said, +"I'll show you what I've got, but +truly most of them have gone off +on vacation."</p> + +<p>"Is the Trojan Horse here?" I +demanded.</p><p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_165" id="Page_165">[Pg 136]</a></span></p> + +<p>"No," said he. "He's in the +repair shop. One of his girders +is loose, and the hinges on his door +rusted and broke last week. His +interior needs painting, and his +left hind-leg has been wobbly for +a long time. It was really dangerous +to keep him longer without +repairs."</p> + +<p>I was much disappointed. In visiting +the Olympian Zoo I was largely +impelled by a desire to see the Trojan +Horse and compare him with +the Coney Island Elephant, which, +with the summer hotels of New +Jersey and the Statue of Liberty, +at that time dominated the minor +natural glories of the American coast +in the eyes of passengers on in-coming +steamships. I think I should +even have ventured a ride in his +capacious interior despite what +Sammy had said of his friskiness +and the peril of his action to persons +susceptible to sea-sickness.</p><p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_166" id="Page_166">[Pg 137]</a></span></p> + +<p>"Too bad," said I, swallowing +my disappointment as best I could. +"Still, you have other attractions. +How about the Promethean vulture? +Is he still living?"</p> + +<p>"Unfortunately, no," said the attendant. +"He was taken out last +year and killed. Got too proud +to live. He put in a complaint +about his food. Said Prometheus +was a very interesting man, but +as a diet he was monotonous and +demanded a more diversified <i>menu</i>. +Said he'd like to try Apollo and a +Muse or two, for a little while, and +preferred Cupids on toast for Sunday-night +tea."</p> + +<p>"What a vulturian vulture!" said I.</p> + +<p>"Wasn't he?" laughed the attendant. +"We replied by wringing +his neck, and served him up in a +chicken salad to a party of tourists +from Hades."</p> + +<p>This struck me as reasonable, +and I said so.</p><p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_167" id="Page_167">[Pg 138]</a></span></p> + +<p>"Well, whatever you happen to +have on hand will satisfy me," +I added. "Just let me see what +animals you have and I'll be content."</p> + +<p>"Very well," replied the attendant. +"Step this way."</p> + +<p>He took me along a charming +pathway bordered with many a beautiful +tree and adorned with numerous +flowers of wondrous fragrance.</p> + +<p>"This path is not without interest," +he said; "all the trees and +shrubs have a history. That laurel +over there, for instance, used to be +a Daphne. She and Jupiter had a +row and he planted her over there. +Makes a very pretty tree, eh?"</p> + +<p>"Extremely," said I. "Have you +many similar ventures?"</p> + +<p>"Oh yes. Our botanical gardens +are full of them," he replied. "Those +trees to the right are Baucis and +Philemon. That lotos plant on the +left used to be Dryope, and when<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_168" id="Page_168">[Pg 139]</a></span> +Adonis isn't busy valeting at the +hotel, he comes down here and +blooms as an anemone, into which, +as you are probably aware, he was +changed by Venus. That pink thing +by the fountain is Hyacinthus, and +over there by the pond is where Narcissus +blooms. He's a barber in his +off hours."</p> + +<p>I had already learned that, so +expressed no surprise.</p> + +<p>"That's a stunning sunflower you +have," I ventured, pointing to a perfect +specimen thereof directly ahead +of us.</p> + +<p>"Yes," said the attendant. +"That's Clytie. She's only potted. +We don't set her out permanently, +because the royal family like to +have her on the table at state dinners. +And she, poor girl, rather enjoys it. +Apollo is generally to be found at +these dinners either as a guest or +playing a zither or a banjo behind +a screen. Wherever he is, the sunflower<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_169" id="Page_169">[Pg 140]</a></span> +turns and it affords considerable +amusement among Jupiter's +guests to watch it. Jupiter has +christened Clytie the Sherlock Holmes +of Olympus, because wherever Apollo +is she spots him. Sometimes when +he isn't present, he has to be very +careful in his statements about where +he has been, for long habit has made +Clytie unerring in her instinct."</p> + +<p>This seemed to me to be a rather +good revenge on Apollo for his +very ungodlike treatment of Clytie, +and if half the attendant told me +that day at the Zoo is true, this +excessively fickle Olympian is probably +sorry by this time that he +treated her originally with such uncalled +for disdain.</p> + +<p>"Come over here and see the bear-pit," +said the guide. I obeyed with +alacrity, and, leaning over the rail, +had the pleasure of seeing the most +beautiful bruin my eyes had ever +rested upon. She was as glossy +<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_171" id="Page_171"></a></span><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_172" id="Page_172">[Pg 141]</a></span>as a new silk hat; her eyes were +as soft and timid as those of a frightened +deer, and, when she moved, +she was the perfection of grace.</p> +<p><a name="Page_170" id="Page_170"></a></p> +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 500px;"> +<a href="images/image15h.jpg"> +<img src="images/image15.jpg" width="500" height="325" alt="CALLISTO" title="" /></a> +</div> + +<p>"Good-morning, Callisto," said +my guide.</p> + +<p>"Same to you, my dear Cephalus," +the bear returned, in a sweet feminine +voice that entranced me.</p> + +<p>"How are things with you to-day?" +asked Cephalus, with a kindly smile.</p> + +<p>"Oh, I can't growl," laughed +Callisto—it was evident that the +unfortunate woman was not taking +her misfortune too seriously. "Only +I wish you'd tell people who come +here that while I undoubtedly am a +bear, I have not yet lost my womanly +taste, and I don't want to be fed +all the time on buns. If anybody +asks you what you think I'd like, +tell them that an occasional <i>omelette +soufflée</i>, or an oyster pâté, or a platter +of <i>petits fours</i> would please me +greatly."</p><p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_173" id="Page_173">[Pg 142]</a></span></p> + +<p>"I shall do it, Callisto," said +the keeper, as he started to move +away. "Meanwhile, here's a stick +of chewing-gum for you." Callisto +received it with a manifestation of +delight which moved me greatly, and +I bethought myself of the magic +properties of my coat, and plunging +my hand into its capacious pockets, +I found there an oyster pâté that +made my mouth water, and an +<i>omelette soufflée</i> that looked as if it +had been made by a Parisian milliner, +it was so dainty.</p> + +<p>"If madam will permit me," said +I, with a bow to Callisto.</p> + +<p>"Thank you kindly," the bear replied, +in that same thrillingly sweet +voice, and dancing with joy. "You +are a dear, good man, and if you +ever have an enemy, let me know +and I'll hug him to death."</p> + +<p>As we again turned to go, Cephalus +laughed. "Queer case that!" he +said. "You'd have thought Juno<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_174" id="Page_174">[Pg 143]</a></span> +would let up on that poor woman, +but she doesn't for a little bit."</p> + +<p>"Well—a jealous woman, my dear +Cephalus—"</p> + +<p>"True," said he. "That's all true +enough, but, great Heavens, man, +Juno ought to be used to it by this +time with a husband like Jupiter. +She's overstocked this Zoo a dozen +times already with her jealous freaks, +and Jupiter hasn't reformed once. +What good does it do?"</p> + +<p>"Doesn't she ever let 'em off?" I +asked. "Doesn't Callisto ever have +a Sunday out, for instance?"</p> + +<p>"Yes, but always as a bear, and +the poor creature doesn't dare take +her chance with the other wild beasts—the +real ones. She's just as afraid +of bears as she ever was, and if she +sees a plain, every-day cow coming +towards her, she runs shrieking +back to her pit again."</p> + +<p>"Poor Callisto," said I. "And +Actæon? How about him?"</p><p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_175" id="Page_175">[Pg 144]</a></span></p> + +<p>"He's here—but he's a holy +terror," replied Cephalus, shaking +his head. "He gets loose once in +a while, and then everybody has to +look out for himself, and frankly," +Cephalus added, his voice sinking +to a whisper, "I don't blame him. +Diana treated him horribly."</p> + +<p>"I always thought so," said I. +"He really wasn't to blame."</p> + +<p>"Certainly not," observed Cephalus. +"If people will go in swimming +out-of-doors, it's their own fault +if chance wayfarers stumble upon +them. To turn a man into a stag +and then set his own dogs on him +for a thing he couldn't help strikes +me as rank injustice."</p> + +<p>"Wonder to me that Jupiter doesn't +interfere in this business," said I. +"He could help Callisto out without +much trouble."</p> + +<p>"The point about that is that +he's afraid," Cephalus explained. +"Juno has threatened to sue him<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_176" id="Page_176">[Pg 145]</a></span> +for divorce if he does, and he doesn't +dare brave the scandal."</p> + +<p>We had by this time reached a +long, low building that looked like a +stable, and, as we entered, Cephalus +observed:</p> + +<p>"This is our fire-proof building +where we keep our inflammable +beasts. That big, sleeping creature +that looks like a mastodon lizard +is the dragon that your friend St. +George, of London, got the best of, +and sent here with his compliments. +I'll give the beast a prod and let you +see how he works."</p> + +<p>Cephalus was as good as his +word, and for a moment I wished he +wasn't. Such a din as that which +followed the dragon's awakening I +never heard before, and every time +the horrible beast opened his jaws +it was as if a fire-works factory had +exploded.</p> + +<p>"Very dangerous creature that," +said Cephalus. "But he is splendid<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_177" id="Page_177">[Pg 146]</a></span> +for fêtes. Shows off beautifully in +the dark. I'll prod him again and +just you note the prismatic coloring +of his flames. Get up there, Fido," +he added, poking the dragon with +his stick a second time. "Wake +up, and give the gentleman an +illumination."</p> + +<p>The scene of the moment before +was repeated, only with greater +intensity, and even in the sunlight +I could see that the various hues +his fiery breathings took on were +gorgeous beyond description. A +bonfire built of red, pink, green, +and yellow lights, backed up by +driftwood in a fearful state of combustion, +about describes it.</p> + +<p>"Superb," said I, nearly overcome +by the grandeur of the scene.</p> + +<p>"Well, just imagine it on a dark +night!" cried Cephalus, enthusiastically. +"Fido is very popular as +a living firework, but he's a costly +luxury."</p><p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_178" id="Page_178">[Pg 147]</a></span></p> + +<p>I laughed. "Costly?" said I. "I +don't see why. Fireworks as grand +as that must cost a deal more than +he does."</p> + +<p>"You don't know," said Cephalus, +pressing his lips together. "Why, +that dragon eats ten tons of cannel +coal a day, and it takes the combined +efforts of six stokers, under +the supervision of an expert engineer, +to keep his appetite within +bounds. You never saw such an +eater, and as for drinking—well, +he's awful. He drinks sixteen gallons +of kerosene at luncheon."</p> + +<p>I eyed Cephalus narrowly, but +beyond a wink at the dragon, I saw +no reason to believe that he was +deceiving me.</p> + +<p>"Then he sets fire to things, and +altogether he's an expensive beast +Aren't you, Fido?"</p> + +<p>"Yep," barked the dragon.</p> + +<p>"Now, over there," continued the +guide, patting the dragon on the<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_179" id="Page_179">[Pg 148]</a></span> +head, whereat the fearful beast wagged +his tail and breathed a thousand +pounds of steam from his nostrils to +express his pleasure. "Over there +are the fire-breathing bulls—all the +animals here are fire-breathing. The +bulls give us a lot of trouble. You +can't feed 'em on coal, because +their teeth are not strong enough +to chew it; and you can't feed 'em +on hay, because they'd set fire to +it the minute they breathed on it; +and you can't put 'em out to pasture +because they'd wither up a sixty-acre +lot in ten minutes. It's an +actual fact that we have to send for +Jason three times a day to come +here and feed them. He's the only +person about who can do it, and +how he does it no one knows. He +pats them on the neck, and they stop +breathing fire. That's all we know."</p> + +<p>"But they must eat something. +What does Jason give them?" I +demanded.</p><p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_180" id="Page_180">[Pg 149]</a></span></p> + +<p>"We've had to invent a food for +them," said Cephalus. "Dr. Æsculapius +did it. It's a solution of hay, +clover, grass, and paraffine mixed +with asbestos."</p> + +<p>"Paraffine?" I cried. "Why, +that's extremely inflammable."</p> + +<p>"So are the bulls," was Cephalus's +rejoinder. "They counteract each +other." I gazed at the animals +with admiration. They were undoubtedly +magnificent beasts, and +they truly breathed fire. Their nostrils +suggested the flames that are +emitted from the huge naphtha jets +that are used to light modern circuses +in country towns, and as for their +mouths, any one who can imagine +a bull with a pair of gas-logs illuminating +his reflective smile, instead +of teeth, may gain a comprehensive +idea of the picture that +confronted me.</p> + +<p>I had hardly finished looking at +these, when Cephalus, impatient to<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_181" id="Page_181">[Pg 150]</a></span> +be through with me, as guides often +are with tourists, observed:</p> + +<p>"There is the phœnix."</p> + +<p>I turned instantly. I have always +wished to see the phœnix. A bird +having apparently the attractive +physique of a broiler deliberately +sitting on a bonfire had appealed +strongly to my interest as well as +to my appetite.</p> + +<p>"Dear me!" said I. "He's not +handsome, is he?"</p> + +<p>He was not; resembling an ordinary +buzzard with wings outstretched +sitting upon that kind of +emberesque fire that induces a man +in a library to think mournfully +about the past, and convinces him—alas!—that +if he had the time he +could write immortal poetry.</p> + +<p>"Not very!" Cephalus acquiesced. +"Still, he's all right in a Zoo. He's +queer. Look at his nest, if you +don't believe it."</p> +<p><a name="Page_182" id="Page_182"></a></p> +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 500px;"> +<a href="images/image16h.jpg"> +<img src="images/image16.jpg" width="500" height="323" alt="I MEET THE PHOENIX" title="" /></a> +</div> + +<p>"I never believed otherwise, my +<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_183" id="Page_183"></a></span><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_184" id="Page_184">[Pg 151]</a></span>dear Cephalus," said I. "He seems +to me to be a unique thing in poultry. +If he were a chicken he would be +hailed with delight in my country. +A self-broiling broiler—!"</p> + +<p>The idea was too ecstatic for +expression.</p> + +<p>"Well, he isn't a chicken, so +your rhapsody doesn't go," said +Cephalus. "He's little short of a +buzzard. Useful, but not appetizing. +If I were a profane mortal, I should +call him a condemned nuisance. +Most birds build their own nests, +and a well-built nest lasts them a +whole season. This infernal bird +has to have a furnace-man to make +his bed for him night and morning, +and if, by some mischance, the fire +goes out, as fires will do in the best-regulated +families, he begins to +squawk, and he squawks, and he +squawks, and he squawks until +the keeper comes and sets his nest +a-blazing again. He has a voice<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_185" id="Page_185">[Pg 152]</a></span> +like a sick fog-horn that drives +everybody crazy."</p> + +<p>"Why don't you fool him sometimes?" +I suggested. "Make a nest +out of a mustard-plaster and see +what he would do."</p> + +<p>"He's too old a bird to be caught +that way," said Cephalus. "He's +a confounded old ass, but he's a +brainy one."</p> + +<p>At this moment a blare of the +most heavenly trumpets sounded, +and Cephalus and I left the building +and emerged into the garden to +see what had caused it. There a +dazzling spectacle met my gaze. +A regiment of Amazons was drawn +up on the green of the parade and +a superb gilded coach, drawn by six +milk-white horses, stood before them, +while two gorgeously apparelled heralds +sounded a fanfare. Cephalus +immediately became deeply agitated.</p> + +<p>"It is his Majesty's own carriage +and guard," he cried.</p><p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_186" id="Page_186">[Pg 153]</a></span></p> + +<p>"Whose?" said I.</p> + +<p>"Jupiter's," said he. "I fancy +they have come for you."</p> + +<p>And it so transpired. One of +the heralds advanced to where I was +standing, saluted me as though I +were an emperor, and, through his +golden trumpet, informed me that +eleven o'clock was approaching; that +his Majesty deigned to grant me the +desired audience, and had sent a +carriage and guard of honor.</p> + +<p>I returned the salute, thanked +Cephalus for his attentions, and entered +the carriage. A brass band +of a hundred and twenty pieces +struck up an inspiring march, and, +preceded and followed by the Amazons, +I was conveyed in state to the +palatial quarters of Zeus himself.</p> + +<p>It suggested comic opera with a +large number of pretty chorus girls, +but I could not help being impressed +in spite of this thought with the +fact that Jupiter knew how to do a<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_187" id="Page_187">[Pg 154]</a></span> +thing up in style. I was indeed +so awed with it all that I did not +dare wink at a single Amazon while +<i>en route</i>, although strongly tempted +to do so several times.</p> + + + +<hr style="width: 65%;" /><p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_188" id="Page_188">[Pg 155]</a></span></p> +<h2><a name="IX" id="IX"></a>IX</h2> + +<h2>Some Account of the Palace +of Jupiter</h2> + + +<p>So dazzled was I by all +that went on about me, +by the gorgeousness of my +equipage and by the extraordinary +richness of the costumes +worn by my escort, that for the moment +I forgot that I was not myself +clad in suitable garments for so +ultra-royal a function. The streets, +the houses, even the throngs that +peopled the way, seemed to be of +the most lustrous gold, and it became +necessary for me from time +to time as we progressed to close +my eyes and shut out the too brilliant<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_189" id="Page_189">[Pg 156]</a></span> +vision. Fancy a bake-shop built +of solid gold nuggets, its large plate +windows composed each of one huge, +flashing diamond; imagine an exquisitely +wrought golden drug-store, +whose colored jars in the windows +are made of rubies, emeralds, and +sapphires; conjure up in your mind's +eye a sequence of city blocks whose +sides are lined by massive and +exquisitely proportioned buildings, +every inch of whose façade was +fashioned, not by stone-cutters and +sculptors, but by goldsmiths, whose +genius a Cellini might envy; picture +to yourself a street paved with golden +asphalt, and a sidewalk built from +huge slabs of rolled silver, the curb +and gutters being of burnished copper, +and you'll gain some idea of +the thoroughfare along which I +passed. And oh, the music that +the band gave forth to which the +populace timed their huzzas—I nearly +went mad with the seductiveness<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_190" id="Page_190">[Pg 157]</a></span> +of it all. If it hadn't been for the +ache the brilliance of it gave to my +eyes, I really think I should have +swooned.</p> + +<p>And then we came to the palace +grounds. These, I must confess, I +found far from pleasing, for even +as the avenue along which I had +passed was all gold and silver +and gems, so too was the park, in +the heart of which stood Jupiter's +own apartments made of similar +stuff. The trees were golden, and +the leaves rustling in the breeze, +catching and reflecting the light of +the sun, were blinding. The soft +greenness of the earthly grass was +superseded by the glistening yellow +of golden spears, and here and +there, where a drop of dew would +have fallen, were diamonds of purest +ray. The paths were of silken rugs +of richest texture, and the palace, as +it burst upon my vision, fashioned +out of undreamed-of blocks of onyx,<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_191" id="Page_191">[Pg 158]</a></span> +resembled more a massive opal filled +with flashing, living, fire, than the +mere home of a splendid royalty.</p> + +<p>I was glad when the procession +stopped before the gorgeous entrance +to the palace. Another minute of +such splendor would have blinded +me. A fanfare of trumpets sounded, +and I descended, so dizzy with what +I had seen that, as my feet touched +the ground, I staggered like a +drunken man, and then I heard my +name sounded and passed from one +flunky to another up the magnificent +staircase into the blue haze of the +hallway, and gradually sounding +fainter and fainter until it was lost +in the distance of the mysterious +corridor. I still staggered as I +mounted the steps, and the Major +Domo approached me.</p> + +<p>"I trust you are not ill," he whispered +in my ear.</p> + +<p>"No—not ill," I replied. "Only +somewhat flabbergasted by all this<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_192" id="Page_192">[Pg 159]</a></span> +magnificence, and my eyes hurt like +the very deuce."</p> + +<p>"It is perhaps too much for mortal +eyes," he said; and then, turning +to a gilded Ethiopian who stood +close at hand, he observed, quietly, +"Rhadamus, run over to the Argus +and ask him if he can spare this +gentleman a pair of blue goggles +for an hour or two."</p> + +<p>"Better get me a dozen pairs," +I put in. "I don't think one pair +will be enough. It may strain my +nose to hold them, but I'd rather +sacrifice my nose than my eyes +any day."</p> + +<p>But the boy was off, and ere I +reached the presence of Jupiter I +was very kindly provided with the +very essential article, and I must +confess that I found great relief +in them. They were so densely +blue that an ordinary bit of splendor +could not have been discerned through +their opaque depths, any more than<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_193" id="Page_193">[Pg 160]</a></span> +Thisbe could have been seen by +her doting lover, Pyramus, through +the wall that separated them, but +nothing known to man could have +shut out the supreme gloriousness +of the interior of Jupiter's palace. +Even with the goggles of the Argus +regulated to protect one thousand +eyes upon my nose, it made my +dazzled optics blink.</p> + +<p>I do not know what the proportions +of the palace were. I regret +to say that I forgot to ask, but I +am quite confident that I walked at +least eight miles along that corridor, +and never was a mansion designed +that was better equipped in the matter +of luxuries. I suspect I shall +be charged with exaggerating, but +it is none the less true that within +that spacious building were appliances +of every sort known to man. +One door opened upon an in-door +golf-links, upon which the royal +family played whenever they lacked<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_194" id="Page_194">[Pg 161]</a></span> +the energy or the disposition to +seek out that on Mars. There were +high bunkers, the copse of which +was covered with richest silk plush, +stuffed, I was told, with spun silk, +while, in place of sand, tons of powdered +sugar and grated nutmegs +filled the bunkers themselves. The +eighteen holes were laid out so that +no two of them crossed, and, inasmuch +as the turf was constructed +of rubber instead of grass and soil, +neither a bad lie nor a dead ball +was possible through the vast extent +of the fair green. The water +hazards, four in number, were nothing +more nor less than huge tanks +of Burgundy, champagne, iced tea, +and Scotch—which I subsequently +learned often resulted in a bad caddie +service—and an open brook along +whose dashing descent a constant +stream of shandygaff went merrily +bubbling onward to an in-door sea +upon which Jupiter exercised his<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_195" id="Page_195">[Pg 162]</a></span> +yacht when sailing was the thing +to suit his immediate whim.</p> + +<p>This sea was a marvel. Since all +the water hazards above described +emptied into it, it was little more +than a huge expanse of punch, +one swallow of which, thanks to +these ingredients and the sugar +and nutmeg from the bunkers, would +make a man forget an eternity of +troubles until he woke up again, +if he ever did. Here Jupiter sported +every variety of pleasure craft, and, +by an ingenious system of funnels +arranged about its sixty-square-mile +area, could at a moment's +notice produce any variety of breeze +he chanced to wish; and its submarine +bottom was so designed that +if a heavy sea were wanted to make +the yacht pitch and toss, a simple +mechanical device would cause it +to hump itself into such corrugations, +large or small, as were needed to +bring about the desired conditions.</p><p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_196" id="Page_196">[Pg 163]</a></span></p> + +<p>"Do they allow bathing in that?" +I asked, as the Major Domo explained +the peculiar feature of this in-door +sea to me.</p> + +<p>My companion laughed. "Only +one person ever tried it with any +degree of success, and it nearly +cost him his reputation. Old Bacchus +undertook to swim on a wager +from Chambertin Inlet to Glenlivet +Bay, but he had to give up before +he got as far as Pommery Point. +It took him a year to get rid of his +headache, and it actually required +three-quarters of the Treasury Reserve +to provide gold enough to cure +him."</p> + +<p>"It must be a terrible place to +fall overboard in," I suggested.</p> + +<p>"It is, if you fall head first," said +the Major Domo, "and my observation +is that most people do."</p> + +<p>"I should admire to sail upon it," +I said, gazing back through the +door that opened upon Jupiter's<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_197" id="Page_197">[Pg 164]</a></span> +yachting parlors, and realizing on +a sudden a powerful sense of thirst.</p> + +<p>"I have no doubt you can do +so," said the Major Domo. "Indeed, +I understand that his Majesty +contemplates taking you for a sail +to the lost island of Atlantis before +you return to earth."</p> + +<p>"What?" I cried. "The lost island +of Atlantis here?"</p> + +<p>"Of course," said my guide. "Why +not? It was too beautiful for earth, +so Jupiter had it transported to his +own private yachting pond, and it +has been here ever since. It is marvellously +beautiful."</p> + +<p>Hardly had I recovered from my +amazement over the Major Domo's +announcement when he pointed to +another open door.</p> + +<p>"The Royal Arena," he said, simply. +"That is where we have our +Olympian Games. There was a football +game there yesterday. Too +bad you were not there. It was<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_198" id="Page_198">[Pg 165]</a></span> +the liveliest game of the season. +All Hades played the Olympian +eleven for the championship of the +universe. We licked 'em four hundred +to nothing; but of course we +had an exceptional team. When +Hercules is in shape there isn't a +man-jack in all Hades that can +withstand him. He's rush-line, centre, +full-back, half-back, and flying +wedge, all rolled into one. Then +the Hades chaps made the bad +mistake of sending a star team. +When you have an eleven made up +of Hannibal and Julius Cæsar and +Alexander the Great and Napoleon +Bonaparte and the Duke of Wellington +and Achilles and other fellows +like that you can't expect any +team-play. Each man is thinking +about himself all the time. Hercules +could walk right through 'em, +and, when they begin to pose, it's +mere child's play for him. The +only chap that put up any game<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_199" id="Page_199">[Pg 166]</a></span> +against us at all was Samson, and +I tell you, now that his hair's +grown again, he's a demon on the +gridiron. But we divided up our +force to meet that difficulty. Hercules +put the rest of our eleven +on to Samson, while he took care, +personally, of all the other Hadesians. +And you should have seen +how he handled them! It was beautiful, +all through. He nearly got +himself ruled off in the second half. +He became so excited at one time +towards the end that he mistook +Pompey for the ball and kicked +him through the goal-posts from +the forty-yard line. Of course, it +didn't count, and Hercules apologized +so gracefully to the rest +of the visitors that they withdrew +their protest and let him play +on."</p> + +<p>"I should think he would have +apologized to Pompey," said I.</p> +<p><a name="Page_200" id="Page_200"></a></p> +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 500px;"> +<a href="images/image17h.jpg"> +<img src="images/image17.jpg" width="500" height="316" alt=""'THE CHAMPIONSHIP OF THE UNIVERSE'"" title="" /></a> +</div> + +<p>"He will when Pompey recovers +<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_201" id="Page_201"></a></span><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_202" id="Page_202">[Pg 167]</a></span>consciousness," said my guide, simply.</p> + +<p>So interested was I in the Royal +Arena and its recent game that I +forgot all about Jupiter.</p> + +<p>"I never thought of Hercules as +a football player before," I said, +"but it is easy to see how he might +become the champion of Olympus."</p> + +<p>"Oh, is it!" laughed the Major +Domo. "Well, you'd better not tell +Jupiter that. Jupiter'd be pleased, +he would. Why, my dear friend, +he'd pack you back to earth quicker +than a wink. He brooks only one +champion of anything here, and +that's himself. Hercules threw him +in a wrestling-match once, and the +next day Jupiter turned him into a +weeping-willow, and didn't let up +on him for five hundred years afterwards."</p> + +<p>By this time we had reached one +of the most superbly vaulted chambers +it has ever been my pleasure<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_203" id="Page_203">[Pg 168]</a></span> +to look upon. Above me the ceiling +seemed to reach into infinity, and +on either side were huge recesses +and alcoves of almost unfathomable +depth, lit by great balls of fire that +diffused their light softly and yet +brilliantly through all parts and +corners of the apartment.</p> + +<p>"The library," said the Major +Domo, pointing to tier upon tier of +teeming shelves, upon which stood a +wonderful array of exquisitely bound +volumes to a number past all counting.</p> + +<p>I was speechless with the grandeur +of it all.</p> + +<p>"It is sublime," said I. "How +many volumes?"</p> + +<p>"Unnumbered, and unnumberable +by mortals, but in round, immortal +figures just one jovillion."</p> + +<p>"One jovillion, eh?" said I. "How +many is that in mortal figures?"</p> + +<p>"A jovillion is the supreme number," +explained the guide. "It is<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_204" id="Page_204">[Pg 169]</a></span> +the infinity of millions, and therefore +cannot be expressed in mortal terms."</p> + +<p>"Then," said I, "you can have +no more books."</p> + +<p>"No," said he. "But what of +that? We have all there are and +all that are to be. You see, the +library is divided into three parts. +On the right-hand side are all the +books that ever have been written; +here to the left you see all the books +that are being written; and farther +along, beginning where that staircase +rises, are all the books that +ever will be written."</p> + +<p>I gasped. If this were true, this +wonderful collection must contain +my own complete works, some of +which I have doubtless not even +thought of as yet. How easy it +would be for me, I thought, to write +my future books if Jupiter would +only let me loose here with a competent +stenographer to copy off the +pages of manuscript as yet undreamed<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_205" id="Page_205">[Pg 170]</a></span> +of! I suggested this to the +Major Domo.</p> + +<p>"He wouldn't let you," he said. +"It would throw the whole scheme +out of gear."</p> + +<p>"I don't see why," I ventured.</p> + +<p>"It is simple," rejoined the Major +Domo. "If you were permitted to +read the books that some day will +be identified with your name, as +a sensible man, observing beforehand +how futile and trivial they +are to be, some of them, you wouldn't +write them, and so you would be +able to avoid a part, at least, of your +destiny. If mortals were able to do +that—well, they'd become immortals, +a good many of them."</p> + +<p>I realized the justice of this precaution, +and we passed on in silence.</p> + +<p>"Now," said the Major Domo, +after we had traversed the length +of the library, "we are almost there. +That gorgeous door directly ahead +of you is the entrance to Jupiter's<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_206" id="Page_206">[Pg 171]</a></span> +reception-room. Before we enter, +however, we must step into the office +of Midas, on the left."</p> + +<p>"Midas?" I said. "And what, +pray, is his function? Is he the +registrar?"</p> + +<p>"No, indeed," laughed the Major +Domo. "I presume down where you +live he would be called the Court +Tailor. The sartorial requirements +of Jupiter are so regal that none +of his guests, invited or otherwise, +could afford, even with the riches +of Crœsus, to purchase the apparel +which he demands. Hence he keeps +Midas here to supply, at his expense, +the garments in which his visitors +may appear before him. You didn't +think you were going into Jupiter's +presence in those golf duds, did you?"</p> + +<p>"I never thought anything about +it," said I. "But how long will it +take Midas to fit me out?"</p> + +<p>"He touches your garments, that's +all," said my guide, "and in that<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_207" id="Page_207">[Pg 172]</a></span> +instant they are changed to robes of +richest gold. We then place a necklace +of gems about your neck, composed +of rubies, emeralds, amethysts, +and sapphires, alternating with +pearls, none smaller than a hen's +egg; next we place a jewelled staff +of ebony in your hand; a golden +helmet, having at either side the +burnished wings of the imperial +eagles of Jove, and bearing upon +its crest an opal that glistens like +the sun through the slight haze of +a translucent cloud, will be placed +upon your head; richly decorated +sandals of cloth of gold will adorn +your feet, and about your waist a girdle +of linked diamonds—beside which +the far-famed Orloff diamond of the +Russian treasury is an insignificant +bit of glass—will be clasped."</p> + +<p>"And—wha—wha—what becomes +of all this when I get back home?" +I gasped, a vision of future ease rising +before my tired eyes.</p><p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_208" id="Page_208">[Pg 173]</a></span></p> + +<p>"You take it with you, if you can," +laughed the Major Domo, with a +sly wink at one of the Amazons +who accompanied him as a sort of +aide.</p> + +<p>It was all as he said. In two +minutes I had entered the room of +Midas; in three minutes, my golf-coat +having been removed, a flowing +gown of silk, touched by his magic +hand and turned to glittering gold, +rested upon my shoulders. It was +pretty heavy, but I bore up under +it; the helmet and the necklace, the +shoes and the girdle were adjusted; +the staff was placed in my hand, +and with beating heart I emerged +once more into the corridor and +stood before the door leading into +the audience-chamber.</p> + +<p>"Remove the goggles," whispered +the Major Domo.</p> + +<p>"Never!" I cried. "I shall be +blinded."</p> + +<p>"Nonsense!" said he, quickly. "Off<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_209" id="Page_209">[Pg 174]</a></span> +with them," and he flicked them from +my nose himself.</p> + +<p>A great blare of trumpets sounded, +the door was thrown wide, and with +a cry of amazement I stepped backward, +awed and afraid; but one +glance was reassuring, for truly a +wonderful sight confronted me, and +one that will prove as surprising to +him who reads as it was to me upon +that marvellous day.</p> + + + +<hr style="width: 65%;" /><p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_210" id="Page_210">[Pg 175]</a></span></p> +<h2><a name="X" id="X"></a>X</h2> + +<h2>An Extraordinary Interview</h2> + + +<p>I had expected to witness +a scene of grandeur, and +my fancy had conjured up, +as the central figure thereof, +the majestic form of Jove himself, +clad in imperial splendor. But it +was the unexpected that happened, +for, as the door closed behind me, +I found myself in a plain sort of +workshop, such as an ordinary man +would have in his own house, at +one end of which stood a rolling-top +desk, and, instead of the dazzling +throne I had expected to see, there +stood in front of it an ordinary office-chair +that twirled on a pivot. Books<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_211" id="Page_211">[Pg 176]</a></span> +and papers were strewn about the +floor and upon the tables; the pictures +on the walls were made up +largely of colored sporting prints of +some rarity, and in a corner stood +a commonplace globe such as is to +be found in use in public schools +to teach children geography. As I +glanced about me my first impression +was that by some odd mischance +I had got into the wrong room, which +idea was fortified by the fact that, +instead of an imperial figure clad in +splendid robes, a quiet-looking old +gentleman, who, except for his dress, +might have posed for a cartoon of +the accepted American Populist, stood +before me. He was dressed in a +plain frock-coat, four-in-hand tie, +high collar, dark-gray trousers, and +patent-leather boots, and was brushing +up a silk hat as I entered.</p> + +<p>"Excuse me, sir," I said, "but +I—I fear I have stumbled into the +wrong room. I—ah—I have had<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_212" id="Page_212">[Pg 177]</a></span> +the wholly unexpected honor to be +granted an audience with Jupiter, +and I was told that this was the +audience-chamber."</p> + +<p>"Don't apologize. Sit down," he +replied, taking me by the hand and +shaking it cordially. "You are all +right; I'm glad to see you. How +goes the world with you?"</p> + +<p>"Very well indeed, sir," I replied, +rather embarrassed by the old fellow's +cordiality. "But I really can't +sit down, because, you know, I—I +don't want to keep his Majesty +waiting, and if you'll excuse me, +I'll—"</p> + +<p>"Oh, nonsense!" he retorted. "Let +the old man wait. Sit down and +talk to me. I don't get a chance +to talk with mortals very often. +This is your first visit to Olympus?"</p> + +<p>"Yes, sir," I said, still standing. +"And it is wholly unexpected. I +stumbled upon the place by the +merest chance last night—but you<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_213" id="Page_213">[Pg 178]</a></span> +<i>must</i> let me go, sir. I'll come back +later very gladly and talk with you +if I get a chance. It will never do +for me to keep his Majesty waiting, +you know."</p> + +<p>"Oh, the deuce with his Majesty," +said the old gentleman, testily. "What +do you want to see him for? He's +an old fossil."</p> + +<p>"Granted," said I. "Still, I'm interested +in old fossils."</p> + +<p>The old gentleman roared with +laughter at this apparently simple +remark. I didn't see the fun of it +myself, and his mirth irritated me.</p> + +<p>"Excuse me, my dear sir," I +said, trying to control my impatience. +"But you don't seem to understand +my position. I can't stay here and +talk to you while the ruler of Olympus +waits. Can't you see that?"</p> + +<p>"No, I can't," he replied. "Can't +see it at all, and I'm a pretty good +seer as a general thing, too. If +you didn't wish to see me, you had<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_214" id="Page_214">[Pg 179]</a></span> +no business to come into my room. +Now that you are here, I'm going +to keep you for a little while. Take +off that absurd-looking tile and sit +down."</p> + +<p>At this I grew angry. I wasn't +responsible for the helmet I wore, +and I had felt all along that I looked +like an ass in it.</p> + +<p>"I'll do nothing of the sort, you +confounded old meddler," I cried. +"I've come here on invitation, and, +if I've got into the wrong room, it +isn't my fault. That jackass of a +Major Domo told me this was the +place. Let me out."</p> + +<p>I strode to the doorway, and the +old gentleman turned to his desk +and opened a drawer.</p> + +<p>"Cigar or cigarette?" he said, +calmly.</p> + +<p>"Neither, you old fool," I retorted, +turning the knob and tugging upon +it. "I have no time for a smoke."</p> + +<p>The door was locked. The old<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_215" id="Page_215">[Pg 180]</a></span> +gentleman settled back in his twirling +chair and regarded me with a +twinkle in his eye as I vainly tried +to pull the door open, and I realized +that I was helpless.</p> + +<p>"Better sit down and enjoy a quiet +smoke with me," he said, calmly. +"Take off that absurd-looking tile +and talk to me."</p> + +<p>"I haven't anything to say to +you," I replied. "Not a word. Do +you intend to let me out of this or +not?"</p> + +<p>"All in good time—all in good +time," he said. "Let's talk it over. +Why do you wish to go? Don't +you find me good company?"</p> + +<p>"You're a stupid old idiot!" I +shouted, almost weeping with rage. +"Locking me up in your rotten old +den here when you must realize +what you are depriving me of. What +earthly good it does you I can't +see."</p> +<p><a name="Page_216" id="Page_216"></a></p> +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 500px;"> +<a href="images/image18h.jpg"> +<img src="images/image18.jpg" width="500" height="327" alt=""THE DOOR WAS LOCKED"" title="" /></a> +</div> + +<p>"It does me lots of good," he said, +<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_217" id="Page_217"></a></span><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_218" id="Page_218">[Pg 181]</a></span>with a chuckle. "Really, sir, it +gives me a new sensation—first +new sensation I have had in a long, +long time. Let me see now, just +how many names have you called +me in the three minutes I have had +the pleasure of your acquaintance?"</p> + +<p>"Give me time, and I'll call you +a lot more," I retorted, sullenly.</p> + +<p>"Good—I'll give you the time," +he said. "Go ahead. I'll listen to +you for a whole hour. What am I +besides a meddler, and a stupid old +idiot, and an old fool?"</p> + +<p>"You're a gray-headed maniac, +and a—a zinc-fastened Zany. A +doddering dotard and a chimerical +chump," I said.</p> + +<p>"Splendid!" roared he, with a +spasm of laughter that seemed nearly +to rend him. "Go on. Keep it +up. I am enjoying myself hugely."</p> + +<p>"You're a sneak-livered poltroon +to treat me this way," I added, indignantly.</p><p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_219" id="Page_219">[Pg 182]</a></span></p> + +<p>"That's the best yet," he interrupted, +slapping his knee with delight. +"Sneak-livered poltroon, eh? +Well, well, well. Go on. Go on."</p> + +<p>"If you'll give me a copy of Roget's +<i>Thesaurus</i>, I'll tell you what else +you are," I retorted, with a note of +sarcasm in my voice. "It will require +a reference to that book to do +you justice. I can't begin to carry +all that you are in my mind."</p> + +<p>"With pleasure," said he, and +reaching over to his bookcase he +took thence the desired volume and +handed it to me. "Proceed," he +added. "I am all ears."</p> + +<p>"Most jackasses are," I returned, +savagely.</p> + +<p>"Magnificent," he cried, ecstatically. +"You are a genius at epithet. +But there's the book. Let me light +a cigar for you and then you can begin. +Only <i>do</i> take off that absurd +tile. You don't know how supremely +unbecoming it is."</p><p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_220" id="Page_220">[Pg 183]</a></span></p> + +<p>There was nothing for it, so I +resolved to make the best of it by +meeting the disagreeable old pantaloon +on his own ground. I lit +one of his cigars and sat down to +tell the curious old freak what I +thought of him. Ordinarily I would +have avoided doing this, but his +tyrannical exercise of his temporary +advantage made me angry to the +very core of my being.</p> + +<p>"Ready?" said I.</p> + +<p>"Quite," said he. "Don't stint +yourself. Just behave as if you'd +known me all your life. I sha'n't +mind."</p> + +<p>And I began: "Well, after referring +to the word 'idiot' in the index, +just to get a lead," I said, "I shall +begin by saying that you are evidently +a hebetudinous imbecile, an +indiscriminate stult—"</p> + +<p>"Hold on!" he cried. "What's +that last? I never heard the term +before."</p><p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_221" id="Page_221">[Pg 184]</a></span></p> + +<p>"Stult—an indiscriminate stult," +I said, scornfully. "I invented the +word myself. Real words won't describe +you. Stult is a new term, +meaning all kinds of a fool, plus +two. And I've got a few more if +you want them."</p> + +<p>"Want them?" he cried. "By +Vulcan, I dote upon them! They +are nectar to my thirsty ears. Go +on."</p> + +<p>"You are a senseless frivoler, a +fugacious gid, an infamous hoddydoddy; +you are a man with the +hoe with the emptiness of ages +in your face; you are a brother to +the ox, with all the dundering niziness +of a plain, ordinary buzzard +added to your shallow-brained asininity. +Now will you let me go?"</p> + +<p>"Not I," said he, shaking his +head as if he relished a situation +which was gradually making a madman +of me. "I'd like to oblige you, +but I really can't. You are giving<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_222" id="Page_222">[Pg 185]</a></span> +me too much pleasure. Is there +nothing more you can call me?"</p> + +<p>"You're a dizzard!" I retorted. +"And a noodle and a jolt-head; +you're a jobbernowl and a doodle, +a maundering mooncalf and a blockheaded +numps, a gaby and a loon; +you're a <i>Hatter</i>!" I shrieked the +last epithet.</p> + +<p>"Heavens!" he cried, "A Hatter! +Am I as bad as that?"</p> + +<p>"Oh, come now," I said, closing +the <i>Thesaurus</i> with a bang. "Have +some regard for my position, won't +you?"</p> + +<p>I had resolved to appeal to his +better nature. "I don't know who +the dickens you are. You may be +the three wise men of Gotham who +went to sea in a bowl rolled into one, +for all I know. You may be any +old thing. I don't give a tinker's +cuss what you are. Under ordinary +circumstances I've no doubt I should +find you a very pleasant old gentleman,<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_223" id="Page_223">[Pg 186]</a></span> +but under present conditions +you are a blundering old bore."</p> + +<p>"That's not bad—indeed, a blundering +old bore is pretty good. Let +me see," he continued, looking up +the word "bore" in the index of the +<i>Thesaurus</i>, "What else am I? Maybe +I'm an unmitigated nuisance, an +exasperating and egregious glum, +a carking care, and a pestiferous +pill, eh?"</p> + +<p>"You are all of that," I said, +wearily. "Your meanness surpasseth +all things. I've met a good +many tough characters in my day, +but you are the first I have ever +encountered without a redeeming +feature. You take advantage of a +mistake for which I am not at all +responsible, and what do you do?"</p> + +<p>"Tell me," he replied. "What +do I do? I shall be delighted to +hear. I've been asking myself that +question for years. What do I do? +Go on, I implore you."</p><p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_224" id="Page_224">[Pg 187]</a></span></p> + +<p>"You rub it in, that's what," +I retorted. "You take advantage +of me. You bait me; you incommode +me. You—you—"</p> + +<p>"Here, take the <i>Thesaurus</i>," he +said, as I hesitated for the word. +"It will help you. I provoke you, +I irritate you, I make you mad, I +sour your temper, I sicken, disgust, +revolt, nauseate, repel you. I rankle +your soul. I jar you—is that it?"</p> + +<p>"Give me the book," I cried, desperately. +"Yes!" I added, referring +to the page. "You tease, irk, harry, +badger, infest, persecute. You gall, +sting, and convulse me. You are +a plain old beast, that's what you +are. You're a conscienceless sneak +and a wherret—you mean-souled blot +on the face of nature!"</p> + +<p>Here I broke down and wept, and +the old gentleman's sides shook +with laughter. He was, without exception, +the most extraordinary old +person I had ever encountered, and<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_225" id="Page_225">[Pg 188]</a></span> +in my tears I cursed the English +language because it was inadequate +properly to describe him.</p> + +<p>For a time there was silence. I +was exhausted and my tormentor +was given over to his own enjoyment +of my discomfiture. Finally, +however, he spoke.</p> + +<p>"I'm a pretty old man, my dear +fellow," he said. "I shouldn't like +to tell you how old, because if I did +you'd begin on the <i>Thesaurus</i> again +with the word 'liar' for your lead. +Nevertheless, I'm pretty old; but I +want to say to you that in all my +experience I have never had so +diverting a half-hour as you have +given me. You have been so outspoken, +so frank—"</p> + +<p>"Oh, indeed—I've been frank, have +I?" I interrupted. "Well, what I +have said isn't a marker to what +I'd like to have said and would have +said if language hadn't its limitations. +You are the infinity of the<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_226" id="Page_226">[Pg 189]</a></span> +unmitigated, the supreme of the superfluous. +In unqualified, inexcusable, +unsurpassable meanness you +are the very IT!"</p> + +<p>"Sir," said the old gentleman, +rising and bowing, "you are a man +of unusual penetration, and I like +you. I should like to see more of you, +but your hour has expired. I thank +you for your pleasant words, and I bid +you an affectionate good-morning."</p> + +<p>A deep-toned bell struck the hour +of twelve. A fanfare of trumpets +sounded outside, and the huge door +flew open, and without a word in +reply, glad of my deliverance, I +turned and fled precipitately through +it. The sumptuous guard stood outside +to receive me, and as the door +closed behind me the band struck +up a swelling measure that I shall +not soon forget.</p> + +<p>"Well," said the Major Domo, as +we proceeded back to my quarters, +"did he receive you nicely?"</p><p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_227" id="Page_227">[Pg 190]</a></span></p> + +<p>"Who?" said I.</p> + +<p>"Jupiter, of course," he said.</p> + +<p>"I didn't see him," I replied, sadly. +"I fell in with a beastly old bore +who wouldn't let go of me. You +showed me into the wrong room. +Who was that old beggar, anyhow?"</p> + +<p>"Beggar?" he cried. "Wrong +room? Beggar?"</p> + +<p>"Certainly," said I. "Beggar is +mild, I admit. But he's all that and +much more. Who is he?"</p> + +<p>"I don't know what you mean," +replied the Major Domo. "But you +have been for the last hour with his +Majesty himself."</p> + +<p>"What?" I cried. "I—that old +man—we—"</p> + +<p>"The old gentleman was Jupiter. +Didn't he tell you? He made a +special effort to make you feel at +home—put himself on a purely mortal +basis—"</p> + +<p>I fell back, limp and nerveless.</p> + +<p>"What will he think of me?" I +<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_229" id="Page_229"></a></span><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_230" id="Page_230">[Pg 191]</a></span>moaned, as I realized what had happened.</p> +<p><a name="Page_228" id="Page_228"></a></p> +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 291px;"> +<a href="images/image19h.jpg"> +<img src="images/image19.jpg" width="291" height="500" alt=""'WHAT?' I CRIED. 'I—THAT OLD MAN—WE'"" title="" /></a> +</div> + +<p>"He thinks you are the best yet," +said the Major Domo. "He has +sent word by his messenger, Mercury, +that the honors of Olympus are to +be showered upon you to their fullest +extent. He says you are the only +frank mortal he ever met."</p> + +<p>And with this I was escorted back +to my rooms at the hotel, impressed +with the idea that all is not lead +that doesn't glitter, and when I +thought of my invention of the word +"stult," I began to wish I had never +been born.</p> + + + +<hr style="width: 65%;" /><p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_231" id="Page_231">[Pg 192]</a></span></p> +<h2><a name="XI" id="XI"></a>XI</h2> + +<h2>A Royal Outing</h2> + + +<p>As may be imagined after +my untoward interview +with Jupiter, the state of +my mind was far from +easy. It is not pleasant to realize +that you have applied every known +epithet of contempt to a god who +has an off-hand way of disposing +of his enemies by turning them +into apple-trees, or dumb beasts +of one kind or another, and upon +retiring to my room I sat down +and waited in great dread of what +should happen next. I couldn't +really believe that the Major Domo's +statement as to my having been forgiven<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_232" id="Page_232">[Pg 193]</a></span> +was possible. It predicated +too great a magnanimity to be +credible.</p> + +<p>"I hope to gracious he won't +make a pine-tree of me," I groaned, +visions of a future in which woodmen +armed with axes, and sawmills, +played a conspicuous part, +rising up before me. "I'd hate like +time to be sawed up into planks +and turned into a Georgia pine floor +somewhere."</p> + +<p>It was a painful line of thought +and I strove to get away from it, +but without success, although the +variations were interesting when I +thought of all the things I might be +made into, such as kitchen tables, +imitation oak bookcases, or perhaps—horror +of horrors—a bundle of +toothpicks! I was growing frantic +with fear, when on a sudden my +reveries of dread were interrupted +by a knock on the door.</p> + +<p>"It has come at last!" I said,<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_233" id="Page_233">[Pg 194]</a></span> +and I opened the door, nerving myself +up to sustain the blow which +I believed was impending. Mercury +stood without, flapping the wings +that sprouted from his ankles impatiently.</p> + +<p>"The skitomobile is ready, sir," +he said.</p> + +<p>I gazed at him earnestly.</p> + +<p>"The what?"</p> + +<p>"The skitomobile, to take you to +the links. Jupiter has already gone +on ahead, and he has commanded +me to follow, bringing you along +with me."</p> + +<p>"Oh—I'm to go to the links, +eh? What's he going to do with +me when he gets me there? Turn +me into a golf-ball and drive me +off into space?" I inquired.</p> + +<p>My heart sank at the very idea, +but I was immediately reassured by +Mercury's hearty laugh.</p> + +<p>"Of course not—why should he? +He's going to play you an eighteen-hole<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_234" id="Page_234">[Pg 195]</a></span> +match. You've made a great +impression on the old gentleman."</p> + +<p>"Thank Heaven!" I said. "I'll +hurry along and join him before +he changes his mind."</p> + +<p>In a brief while I was ready, and, +escorted by Mercury, I was taken +to the skitomobile which stood at +the exit from the hall to the outer +roadway nearest my room. Seated +in front of this, and acting as +chauffeur, was a young man whom +I recognized at once as Phaeton. +Alongside of him sat Jason, polishing +up the most beautiful set of +golf-clubs I ever saw. The irons +were of wrought gold, and the shafts +of the most highly polished and exquisite +woods.</p> + +<p>"To the links," said Mercury, +and with a sudden chug-chug, and +a jerk which nearly threw me out of +the conveyance, we were off. And +what a ride it was! At first the sensation +was that of falling, and I<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_235" id="Page_235">[Pg 196]</a></span> +clutched nervously at the sides of +the skitomobile, but by slow degrees +I got used to it, and enjoyed one +of the most exhilarating hours that +has ever entered into my experience.</p> + +<p>Planet after planet was passed as +we sped on and on upward, and +as my delight grew I gave utterance +to it.</p> + +<p>"Jove! But this is fine!" I said. +"I never knew anything like it, +except looping the loop."</p> + +<p>Phaeton grinned broadly and +winked at Jason.</p> + +<p>"How would you like to loop the +loop out here?" the latter asked.</p> + +<p>"What? In a machine like this?" +I cried.</p> + +<p>"Certainly," said Jason. "It's +great sport. Give him the twist, +Phaeton."</p> + +<p>I began to grow anxious again, +for I recalled the past careless methods +of Phaeton, and I had no wish +to go looping the loop through the<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_236" id="Page_236">[Pg 197]</a></span> +empyrean with one of his known +adventurous disposition, to be hurled +unceremoniously sooner or later perhaps +into the sun itself.</p> + +<p>"Perhaps we'd better leave it until +some other day," I ventured, timidly.</p> + +<p>"No time like the present," Jason +retorted. "Only hang on to yourself. +All ready, Phaety!"</p> + +<p>The chauffeur grasped the lever, +and, turning it swiftly to one side, +there in the blue vault of heaven, +a thousand miles from anywhere, +that machine began executing the +most remarkable flip-flaps the mind +of man ever conceived. Not once +or twice, but a hundred times did +we go whirling round and round +through the skies, until finally I +got so that I could not tell if I were +right side up or upside down. It +was great sport, however, and but +for the fact that on the third trial +I lost my grip and would have fallen +head over heels through space had<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_237" id="Page_237">[Pg 198]</a></span> +not Mercury, who was flying alongside +of the machine, swooped down +and caught me by the leg as I fell +out, I found it as exhilarating as +it was novel. I could have kept +it up forever, had we not shortly +hove in sight of the links, which, +as I have already told you, were +located on the planet Mars; and +such gorgeousness as I there encountered +was unparalleled on earth. +Much that we earth-folk have wondered +at became clear at once. The +great canals, as we call them, for +instance, turned out to be vast sand-bunkers +that glistened like broad +rivers of silver in the wondrous +sheen of the planet, while the dark +greenish spots, concerning which +our astronomers have speculated so +variously, were nothing more nor +less than putting-greens. It is extraordinary +that until my visit to +the planet as the guest of Jupiter, +this perfectly simple solution of the<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_238" id="Page_238">[Pg 199]</a></span> +various Martian problems was not +even guessed.</p> + +<p>As we drew up at the pretty little +club-house, Jupiter emerged from +the door and greeted me cordially. +My eyes fell before his smiling gaze, +for I must confess I was mighty +shamefaced over my experience of +the morning, but his manner restored +my self-possession. It was +very genial and forgiving.</p> + +<p>"Glad to see you again," he said. +"If you play golf as well as you do +synonyms you're a scratch man. +You didn't foozle a syllable."</p> + +<p>"I should have, had I known as +much as I do now," said I.</p> + +<p>"Well, I'm glad you didn't know," +Jupiter returned majestically, "for I +can use that word stult in my business. +Now suppose we have a bit +of luncheon and then start out."</p> + +<p>After eating sparingly we began +our game. I was provided with +a caddie that looked like one of<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_239" id="Page_239">[Pg 200]</a></span> +Raphael's angels, and Jupiter himself +handed me a driver from his +own bag.</p> + +<p>"You'll have to be careful how +you use it," he said; "it has properties +which may astonish you."</p> + +<p>I teed up my ball, swung back, +and then with all the vigor at my +command whacked the ball square +and true. It sprang from the tee +like a bird let loose and flew beyond +my vision, and while I was trying +with my eye to keep up with it in its +flight, I received a stinging blow on +the back of my head which felled me +to the ground.</p> + +<p>"Thunderation!" I roared. "What +was that?"</p> + +<p>Jupiter laughed. "It was your +own ball," he said. "You put too +much muscle into that stroke, and, +as a consequence, the ball flew all +the way round the planet and clipped +you from behind."</p> + +<p>"You don't mean to say—" I began.</p><p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_240" id="Page_240">[Pg 201]</a></span></p> + +<p>"Yes, I do," said Jupiter. "That +is a special long-distance driver +made for me. Only had it two +days. It is not easy to use, because +it has such wonderful force. +Hercules drove a ball three times +around the planet at one stroke with +it yesterday. To use it properly requires +judgment. Up here you have +to play golf with your head, as well +as with your clubs."</p> + +<p>"Well, I played it with mine all +right," I put in, rubbing the lump +on the back of my head ruefully. +"Shall I play two?"</p> + +<p>"Certainly," said Jupiter. "You've +a good brassey lie behind the tee +there. Play gently now, for this +hole isn't more than three hundred +miles long."</p> + +<p>My brassey stroke is one of my +best, and I did myself proud. The +ball flew about one hundred and +seventy-nine miles in a straight +line, but landed in a sand-bunker.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_241" id="Page_241">[Pg 202]</a></span> +Jupiter followed with a good clean +drive for two hundred miles, breaking +all the records previously stated to +me by Adonis, whereupon we entered +the skitomobile and were promptly +transported to the edge of the bunker, +where my ball reposed upon the glistening +sand. It took three to get out, +owing to the height of the cop, which +rose a trifle higher in the air than +Mount Blanc, but the niblick Jason +had brought along for my use, as +soon as I got used to the titanic quality +of the game I was playing, was +finally equal to the loft. My ball +landed just short of the green, one +hundred and sixteen miles away. +Jupiter foozled his approach, and we +both reached the edge of the green +in four.</p> + +<p>"Bully distance for a putt," said +Jupiter, taking the line from his +ball to the hole.</p> + +<p>"About how far is it?" I asked, +for I couldn't see anything resembling<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_242" id="Page_242">[Pg 203]</a></span> +a hole within a mile of +me.</p> + +<p>"Oh, five miles, I imagine," was +the answer. "Put on these glasses +and you'll see the disk."</p> + +<p>My courteous host handed me a +pair of spectacles which I put upon +my nose, and there, seemingly two +inches away, but in reality five +and a quarter miles, was the hole. +The glasses were a revelation, but +I had seen too much that was wonderful +to express surprise.</p> + +<p>"Dead easy," I said, referring to +the putt, now that I had the glasses on.</p> + +<p>"Looks so," said Jupiter, "but +be careful. You can't hope to putt +until you know your ball."</p> + +<p>At the moment I did not understand, +but a minute after I had a +shock. Putting perfectly straight, +the ball rolled easily along and +then made a slight hitch backward, +as if I had put a cut on it, and struck +off ahead, straight as an arrow<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_243" id="Page_243">[Pg 204]</a></span> +but to the left of the disk. This +it continued to do in its course, +zigzagging more and more out of the +straight line until it finally stopped, +quite two and a half miles from the +cup.</p> + +<p>"Now watch me," said Jupiter. +"You'll get an idea of how the ball +works."</p> + +<p>I obeyed, and was surprised to +see him aim at a point at least a +mile aside of the mark, but the +results were perfect, for the gutty, +acting precisely as mine did, zigzagged +along until it reached the +rim of the cup and then dropped +gently in.</p> + +<p>"One up," said Jupiter, with a +broad smile as he watched my ill-repressed +wonderment.</p> + +<p>As we were transported to the +next tee by Phaeton and his machine, +I looked at my ball, and the +peculiarity of its make became clear +at once. It was called "The Vulcan,"<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_244" id="Page_244">[Pg 205]</a></span> +and in action had precisely the same +movement as that of a thunder-bolt—thus:</p> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 500px;"> +<img src="images/image20.jpg" width="500" height="68" alt="" title="" /> +</div> + +<p>"Great ball, eh?" said Jupiter. +"Adds a lot to the science of the +game. A straight putt is easy, but +the zigzag is no child's play."</p> + +<p>"I think I shall like it," I said, +"if I ever get used to it."</p> + +<p>The second hole reached, I was +astonished to see a huge apparatus +like a cannon on the tee, and in +fact that is what it turned out to be.</p> + +<p>"We call this the Cannon Hole," +said Jupiter. "It lends variety to +the game. It's a splendid test of +your accuracy, and if you don't +make it in one you lose it. If you +will put on those glasses you will +see the hole, which is in the middle +of a target. You've got to go +through it at one stroke."</p><p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_245" id="Page_245">[Pg 206]</a></span></p> + +<p>"That isn't golf, is it?" I asked. +"It's marksmanship."</p> + +<p>"I call it so," said Jupiter, calmly. +"And what I say goes. Moreover, +it requires much skill to offset the +effect of the wind."</p> + +<p>"But there is none," said I.</p> + +<p>"There will be," said Jupiter, +putting his ball in the cannon's +breach and making ready to drive. +"You see those huge steel affairs +on either side of the course, that +look like the ventilators on an ocean +steamer?"</p> + +<p>"Yes," said I, for as I looked I +perceived that this part of the course +was studded with them.</p> + +<p>"Well, they supply the wind," +said Jupiter. "I just ring a bell +and Æolus sets his bellows going, +and I tell you the winds you get +are cyclonic, and, best of all, they +blow in all directions. From the +first ventilator the wind is northeast +by south; from the second it is<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_246" id="Page_246">[Pg 207]</a></span> +southwest by north-northeast; from +the third it is straight north, and so +on. Winds are blowing at the moment +of play from all possible points +of the compass. Fore!"</p> + +<p>A bell rang, and never in a wide +experience in noises had I ever before +heard such a fearful din as followed. +A hurricane sprang from one point, +a gale from another, a cyclone from +a third—such an æolian purgatory +was never let loose in my sight before, +but Jupiter, gauging each and +all, fired his ball from the cannon, +and it sped on, buffeted here and +there, now up, now down, like a +bit of fluff in the chance zephyrs +of the spring-tide, but ultimately +passing through the hole in the +target, and landing gently in a +basket immediately behind the bull's-eye. +The winds immediately died +down, and all was quiet again.</p> + +<p>"Perfectly great!" I said, with +enthusiasm, for it did seem marvellous.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_247" id="Page_247">[Pg 208]</a></span> +"But I don't think I can +do it. You win, of course."</p> + +<p>"Not at all," said Jupiter. "If +you hit the bull's-eye, as I did, +you win."</p> + +<p>"And you lose in spite of that +splendid—er—stroke?" I asked.</p> + +<p>"Oh no—not at all," said Jupiter. +"We both win."</p> + +<p>Again the bell rang, and the +winds blew, and the cannon shot, +but my ball, under the excitement of +the moment of aiming, was directed +not towards the bull's-eye—or the +hole—but at the skitomobile. It hit +it fairly and hard, and it smashed +the engine by which the machine +was propelled, much to the consternation +of Jason and Phaeton.</p> + +<p>"Unfortunate," said Jupiter. +"Very. But never mind. We don't +have to walk home."</p> + +<p>"I'm awfully sorry," said I. "I—er—"</p> + +<p>"Never mind," said Jupiter. "It<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_248" id="Page_248">[Pg 209]</a></span> +is easily repaired, but we cannot go +on with the game. The next hole +is eight thousand miles long. Twice +around the planet, and we couldn't +possibly walk it, so we'll have to +quit. We've got all we can manage +trudging back to the club-house. +Here, caddies, take our clubs back +to the club-house, and tell 'em to +have two nectar high-balls ready +at six-thirty. Phaeton, you and +Jason will have to get back the +best way you can. I've told you +a half-dozen times to bring two +machines with you, but you never +seem to understand. Come along, +Higgins, we'll go back. Shut your +eyes."</p> + +<p>I closed my optics, as ordered, +although my name is not Higgins, +and I didn't like to have even Jupiter +so dub me.</p> + +<p>"Now open them again," was +the sharp order.</p> + +<p>I did so, and lo and behold! by<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_249" id="Page_249">[Pg 210]</a></span> +some supernatural power we had +been transported back to the club-house.</p> + +<p>"I am sorry, Jupiter," said I +"to have spoiled your game," as +we sat, later, sipping that delicious +concoction, the nectar high-ball, +which we supplemented with a +"Pegasus's neck."</p> + +<p>"Nonsense," said he, grandly. +"You haven't spoiled my <i>game</i>. +You have merely, without meaning +to do so, spoiled your own afternoon. +My game is all right and will remain +so. It would have been a +great pleasure to me to show you +the other sixteen holes, but circumstances +were against us. Take your +nectar and let us trot along. You +dine with Juno and myself to-night. +Let's see, I was two up, wasn't I?"</p> + +<p>"Two up, and sixteen to play."</p> + +<p>"Then I win," said he. It was +an extraordinary score, but then it +was an extraordinary occasion.</p><p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_250" id="Page_250">[Pg 211]</a></span></p> + +<p>And we entered his chariot, and +were whirled back to Olympus. The +ride home was not as exciting as +the ride out, but it was interesting. +It lasted about a half of a millionth +of a second, and for the first time +in my life I knew how a telegram +feels when it travels from New York +to San Francisco, and gets there +apparently three hours before it is +sent by the clock.</p> + + + +<hr style="width: 65%;" /><p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_251" id="Page_251">[Pg 112]</a></span></p> +<h2><a name="XII" id="XII"></a>XII</h2> + +<h2>I am Dismissed</h2> + + +<p>It was a very interesting +programme for my further +entertainment that Jupiter +mapped out on our way +back from the links, and I deeply regret +that an untoward incident that +followed later, for which I was unintentionally +responsible, prevented +its being carried out. I was to +have been taken off on a cruise on +the inland sea, to where the lost +island of Atlantis was to be found; +a special tournament at ping-pong +was to be held in my honor, in which +minor planets were to be used instead +of balls, and the players were +<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_252" id="Page_252">[Pg 213]</a></span>to be drawn from among the Titans, +who were retained to perform feats +of valor, skill, and strength for Jupiter. +The forge of Vulcan was to +be visited, and many of the mysteries +of the centre of the earth were +to be revealed, and, best of all, Jupiter +himself had promised to give me +an exhibition of his own skill as a +marksman in the hurling of thunder-bolts, +and <i>I was to select the objects +to be hit!</i> Think of it! What a +chance lay here for a man to be +rid of certain things on earth that +he did not like! What a vast amount +of ugly American architecture one +could be rid of in the twinkling +of an eye! What a lot of enemies +and eyesores it was now in my +power to have removed by an +electrical process availed of in the +guise of sport! I spent an hour +on that list of targets, and if only +I had been allowed to prolong my +stay in the home of the gods, the<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_253" id="Page_253">[Pg 214]</a></span> +world itself would have benefited, +for I was not altogether personal +in my selection of things for Jupiter +to aim at. There was Tammany +Hall, for instance, and the Boxers +of China—these led my list. There +were four or five sunlight-destroying, +sky-scraping office buildings in New +York and elsewhere; nuisances of +every kind that I could think of +were put down—the headquarters +of the Beef Trust and a few of its +sponsors; the editorial offices of the +peevish and bilious newspapers, +which deny principles and right +motives to all save themselves; a +regiment of alleged humorists who +make jokes about the mother-in-law +and other sacred relations of +life; an opera-box full of the people +who hum every number of Wagner +and Verdi through, and keep other +people from hearing the singers; +row after row of theatre-goers who +come in late and trample over the<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_254" id="Page_254">[Pg 215]</a></span> +virtuous folk who have arrived +punctually; any number of theatrical +managers who mistake gloom for +amusement; three or four smirking +matinée idols, whose talents are +measured by the fit of their clothes, +the length of their hair, and their +ability to spit supernumeraries with +a tin sword; cab-drivers who had +overcharged me; insolent railway +officials; the New York Central Tunnel—indeed, +the completed list +stretches on to such proportions +that it would require more pages +than this book contains to present +them in detail. I even thought of +including Hippopopolis in the list, +but when I realized that it was entirely +owing to his villany that I had +enjoyed the delightful privilege of +visiting the gods in their own abode, +I spared him. And to think that because +of an unintentional error this +great opportunity to rid the world, +and incidentally myself, of much that<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_255" id="Page_255">[Pg 216]</a></span> +is vexatious was wholly lost is a matter +of sincere grief to myself.</p> + +<p>It happened in this way: Hardly +had I returned to my delightful +apartment at the hotel, when a +messenger arrived bearing a superbly +engraved command from Jupiter to +dine with himself and Juno <i>en +famille</i>. It was a kind, courteous, +and friendly note, utterly devoid of +formality, and we were to spend +the evening at cards. Jupiter had +indicated in the afternoon that he +would like to learn bridge, and, inasmuch +as I never travel anywhere +without a text-book upon that fascinating +subject, I had volunteered +to teach him. The dinner was given +largely to enable me to do this, and, +moreover, Jupiter was quite anxious +to have me meet his family, and +promised me that before the evening +was over I should hear some music +from the lyre of Apollo, meet all +the muses, and enjoy a chafing-dish<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_256" id="Page_256">[Pg 217]</a></span> +snack prepared by the fair +hand of Juno herself.</p> + +<p>"I'll have Polyphemus up to give +us a few coon songs if you like them," +he added, "and altogether I can +promise you a delightful evening. +We drop all our state at these affairs, +and I know you'll enjoy yourself."</p> + +<p>"I shall feel a trifle embarrassed +in the presence of so many gods and +goddesses, I am afraid," I put in.</p> + +<p>"I'll fix you out as to that," Jupiter +replied. "I'll change you for +the time being into a god yourself, +if you wish."</p> + +<p>I laughed at the idea.</p> + +<p>"A high old god I'd make," said I.</p> + +<p>"You'd pass," he observed, quietly. +"I'll call you Pencillius, god +of Chirography—or would you rather +come as Nonsensius, the newly discovered +deity of Jocosity?"</p> + +<p>"I think I'd rather be Zero, god of +Nit," said I, and it was so ordained.</p> + +<p>Of course, I accepted the invitation<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_257" id="Page_257">[Pg 218]</a></span> +and was on hand at the palace, +as I thought, promptly. As a matter +of fact, my watch having in some +mysterious fashion been affected by +the excitement of the adventure, +got galloping away just as my +own heart had done more than +once. The result was that, instead +of arriving at the palace at eight +o'clock, as I was expected to do, +I got there at seven. Of course, my +exalted hosts were not ready to +receive me, and there were no other +guests to bear me company and +keep me out of mischief in the drawing-room, +where for an hour I was +compelled to wait. At first all went +well. I found much entertainment +in the room, and on the centre-table, +a beautiful bit of furniture, carved +out of one huge amethyst, I discovered +a number of books and +magazines, which kept me tolerably +busy for a half-hour. There was +a finely bound copy of <span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_258" id="Page_258">[Pg 219]</a></span><i>Don'ts for +the Gods, or Celestial Etiquette</i>, in +which I found many valuable hints +on the procedure of Olympian society—notably +one injunction as +to the use of finger-bowls, from +which I learned that the gods in +their lavishness have a bowl for +each finger; and a little volume +by Bacchus on <i>Intemperance</i>, which +I wish I might publish for the +benefit of my fellow-mortals. All +I remember about it at the moment +of writing is that the author seriously +enjoins upon his readers the +wickedness of drinking more than +sixty cocktails a day, and utterly +deprecates the habit of certain Englishmen +of drinking seven bottles of +port at a sitting. Bacchus seemed +to think that, with the other wines incidental +to a dinner, no one, not even +an Englishman, should attempt to +absorb more than five bottles of +port over his coffee. It struck me +as being rather good advice.</p> +<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_259" id="Page_259">[Pg 220]</a></span></p> + +<p>Wearying of the reading at the +end of a half-hour, I began a closer +inspection of the room and its contents. +It was full of novelties, and, +naturally, gorgeous past all description; +but what most excited my +curiosity was a small cabinet, not +unlike a stereoscope in shape, which +stood in one corner of the room. +It had a button at one side, over +which was a gilt tablet marked +"Push." On its front was the +legend, "Drop a Nickel in the Slot, +Push the Button, and See the +Future." I followed the instructions +eagerly. The nickel was dropped, +the button pushed, and, putting +my eyes before the lenses, I gazed +into the remotest days to come. +I had come across the Futuroscope, +otherwise a kinetoscope with the gift +of prophecy. The coming year passed +rapidly, and I saw what fate had +in store for the world for the twelve +months immediately ahead of me;<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_260" id="Page_260">[Pg 221]</a></span> +then followed a decade, then a +century, and then others, until, just +as I was approaching the dread +cataclysm which is to mark the +end of all mortal things, I heard a +quick, startled voice back of me.</p> + +<p>It was that of Jupiter, and his +tone was a strange mixture of wrath +and regret.</p> + +<p>"What on earth have you done?" +he cried.</p> + +<p>"Nothing, your Majesty," said I, +shaking all over as with the ague at +the revelations I had just witnessed, +"except getting a bird's-eye view +of what is to come."</p> + +<p>"I am sorry," said he, gravely. +"It is not well that mortals should +know the future, and your imprudent +act is destructive of all the plans +I have had for you. You must +leave us instantly, for that instrument +is for the gods alone. Moreover, +the knowledge of that which +you have seen—"</p> +<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_261" id="Page_261">[Pg 222]</a></span></p> + +<p>Here his voice positively thundered, +and the frown that came +upon his brow filled me with awe +and terror.</p> + +<p>"All knowledge of what you have +seen must be removed from your +brain," he added, grimly.</p> + +<p>I was speechless with fear as the +ruler of Olympus touched an electric +button at the side of the room, and +the two huge slaves, Gog and Magog, +appeared.</p> + +<p>"Seize him!" Jupiter commanded, +sternly.</p> + +<p>In an instant I was bound hand +and foot.</p> + +<p>"To the office of Dr. Æsculapius!" +he commanded, and I was unceremoniously +removed to the room wherein +I had had my interview with +the great doctor, where I was immediately +etherized and my brain +operated upon. Precisely what was +done to me I shall probably never +know, but what I do know is that<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_262" id="Page_262">[Pg 223]</a></span> +from that time to this all that I saw +in that marvellous Futuroscope is a +blank, although on all other subjects +pertaining to my visit to the gods my +recollection is perfectly clear. It suffices +to say that I lay for a long time +in a stupor, and when finally I came +to my senses again I found myself +comfortably ensconced in my own +bed, in my own home; not in Greece, +but in America; suffering from a +dull headache from which I did not +escape for at least three hours. +Again and again and again have +I tried to recall that wonderful picture +of a marvellous future seen by +my mortal eyes that night upon +Olympus, that I might set it upon +paper for others to read, but with each +effort the dreadful pain in the top of +my head returns and I find myself +compelled to abandon the project.</p> + +<p>So was my brief visit to Olympus +begun and ended. In its results it +has perhaps been neither elevating<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_263" id="Page_263">[Pg 224]</a></span> +nor remarkably instructive, but it has +given me a better understanding of, +and a better liking for, that great +company of mythological beings who +used to preside over the destinies of +the Greeks. They appeared more human +than godlike to my eyes. They +were companionable to a degree, +and for a time, at least, would prove +congenial associates for a summer +outing, but as a steady diet—well, I +am not at all surprised that, as men +waxed more mature in years and in +experience, these titanic members of +the Olympian four hundred lost their +power and became no greater factor +in the life of the large society of mankind +than any other group of people, +equal in number and of seeming importance, +whose days and nights are +given over solely to pleasure and the +morbid pursuit of notoriety.</p> + +<p>THE END</p><p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_264" id="Page_264">[Pg 225]</a></span></p> + +<p><br /><br /><br /> +Transcriber's Note: The author refers to a type of golf club +as a "brassey" and also as a "brassie". Both spellings have +been maintained in this document.</p> + + + + + + + + +<pre> + + + + + +End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Olympian Nights, by John Kendrick Bangs + +*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK OLYMPIAN NIGHTS *** + +***** This file should be named 17964-h.htm or 17964-h.zip ***** +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: + http://www.gutenberg.org/1/7/9/6/17964/ + +Produced by Paul Good, Suzanne Shell and the Online +Distributed Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net + + +Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions +will be renamed. + +Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no +one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation +(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without +permission and without paying copyright royalties. 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