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diff --git a/17964-8.txt b/17964-8.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..e4a4dd1 --- /dev/null +++ b/17964-8.txt @@ -0,0 +1,4285 @@ +The Project Gutenberg EBook of Olympian Nights, by John Kendrick Bangs + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: Olympian Nights + +Author: John Kendrick Bangs + +Release Date: March 11, 2006 [EBook #17964] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1 + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK OLYMPIAN NIGHTS *** + + + + +Produced by Paul Good, Suzanne Shell and the Online +Distributed Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net + + + + + +Transcriber's Note: Text that was printed in italics in the original +document is shown between _underscore characters_ and the oe ligature +is shown as [oe]. + + +[Illustration: BRANCH OFFICE OF MAMMON & CO.] + + + + + + OLYMPIAN NIGHTS + + by + + JOHN KENDRICK BANGS + + Author of "A House-Boat on the Styx" + "The Pursuit of the House-Boat" + "The Enchanted Type-writer" + Etc. Etc. + + [Illustration] + + New York and London + Harper & Brothers Publishers + + 1902 + + + + + HARPER & BROTHERS. + + Published June, 1902. + + + + +CONTENTS + +CHAP. PAGE + +I. I REACH MOUNT OLYMPUS 1 + +II. I SEEK SHELTER AND FIND IT 17 + +III. THE ELEVATOR BOY 33 + +IV. I SUMMON A VALET 53 + +V. THE OLYMPIAN LINKS 70 + +VI. IN THE DINING-ROOM 88 + +VII. ÆSCULAPIUS, M.D. 110 + +VIII. AT THE ZOO 131 + +IX. SOME ACCOUNT OF THE PALACE OF JUPITER 155 + +X. AN EXTRAORDINARY INTERVIEW 175 + +XI. A ROYAL OUTING 192 + +XII. I AM DISMISSED 212 + + + + +ILLUSTRATIONS + + +BRANCH OFFICE OF MAMMON & CO. _Frontispiece_ + +HIPPOPOPOLIS EXPLAINS _Facing p._ 8 + +A DREAM OF BRIGANDAGE " 22 + +IN THE ELEVATOR " 30 + +"'THE GODDESS OF THE MOTHER-IN-LAW'" " 42 + +"ANYTHING COULD BE GOT FOR THE RINGING" " 60 + +"JUPITER HURLED A THUNDER-BOLT AT HIM" " 64 + +THE OLYMPIAN LINKS " 84 + +CARING FOR THE CALVES " 104 + +"'THEN YOU MUST DIE'" " 112 + +I VISIT ÆSCULAPIUS " 118 + +CALLISTO " 140 + +I MEET THE PH[OE]NIX " 150 + +"'THE CHAMPIONSHIP OF THE UNIVERSE'" " 166 + +"THE DOOR WAS LOCKED" " 180 + +"'WHAT?' I CRIED. 'I--THAT OLD MAN--WE'" " 190 + + + + +OLYMPIAN NIGHTS + + + + +I + +I Reach Mount Olympus + + +While travelling through the classic realms of Greece some years ago, +sincerely desirous of discovering the lurking-place of a certain war +which the newspapers of my own country were describing with some +vividness, I chanced upon the base of the far-famed Mount Olympus. +Night was coming on apace and I was tired, having been led during the +day upon a wild-goose chase by my guide, who had assured me that he +had definitely located the scene of hostilities between the Greeks +and the Turks. He had promised that for a consideration I should +witness a conflict between the contending armies which in its +sanguinary aspects should surpass anything the world had yet known. +Whether or not it so happened that the armies had been booked for a +public exhibition elsewhere, unknown to the talented bandit who was +acting as my courier, I am not aware, but, as the event transpired, +the search was futile, and another day was wasted. Most annoying, too, +was the fact that I dared not manifest the impatience which I +naturally felt. I am not remarkable as a specimen of the strong man; +quite the reverse indeed, for, while I am by no means a weakling, I am +no adept in the fistic art. Hence, when my guide, Hippopopolis by +name, as the sun sank behind the western hills, informed me that I +was again to be disappointed, the fact that he stands six feet two in +his stockings, when he wears them, and has a pleasing way of bending +crowbars as a pastime, led me to conceal the irritation which I felt. + +"It's all right, Hippopopolis," I said, swallowing my wrath. "It's all +right. We've had a good bit of exercise, anyhow, and that, after all, +is the chief desideratum to a man of a sedentary occupation. How many +miles have we walked?" + +"Oh, about forty-three," he said, calmly. "A short distance, your +Excellency." + +"Very--very short," said I, rubbing my aching calves. "In my own +country I make a practice of walking at least a hundred every day. +It's quite a pleasing stroll from my home in New York over to +Philadelphia and back. I hope I shall be able to show it you some +day." + +"It will be altogether charming, Excellency," said he. "Shall +we--ah--walk back to Athens now, or would you prefer to rest here for +the night?" + +"I--I guess I'll stay here, Hippopopolis," I replied. "This seems to +be a very comfortable sort of a mountain in front of us, and the air +is soft. Suppose we rest in the soothing shade for the night? It would +be quite an adventure." + +"As your Excellency wishes," he replied, tossing a bowlder into the +air and catching it with ease as it came down. "It is not often done, +but it is for you to say." + +"What mountain is it, Hippopopolis?" I asked, turning and gazing at +the eminence before us. + +"It is Mount Olympus," he answered. + +"What?" I cried. "Not the home of the gods?" + +"The very same, your Excellency," he acquiesced. "At least, that is +the report. It is commonly stated hereabouts that the god-trust has +its headquarters here. As for myself, I have explored its every nook +and cranny, but I never saw any gods on it. It's my private opinion +that they've moved away; though there be those who claim that it is +still occupied by the former rulers of destiny living incog. like +other well-born rogues who desire to avoid notoriety." + +Hippopopolis is a decided democrat in his views, and has less respect +for the King than he has for the peasant. + +"I shouldn't call them rogues exactly," I ventured. "Some of 'em were +a pretty respectable lot. There was Apollo and old Jupiter himself, +and--" + +"Oh, you can't tell me anything about them," retorted Hippopopolis. "I +haven't been born and bred in this country for nothing, your +Excellency. They were a bad lot all through. Shall I prepare your +supper?" + +"If you please, Hippopopolis," said I, throwing myself down beneath a +huge tree and giving myself up to the reveries of the moment. I did +not deem it well to interpose too strongly between Hippopopolis and +his views of the immortals just then. He had always a glitter in his +eye when any one ventured to controvert his assertions which made a +debate with him a thing to be apprehended. Still, I did not exactly +like to yield, for, to tell the truth, the Olympian folk have always +interested me hugely, and, while I would not of course endorse any one +of them for a high public trust in these days, I have admired them for +their many remarkable qualities. + +"Of course," said I, reverting to the question a few moments later, as +Hippopopolis opened a box of sardines and set the bread a-toasting on +the fire he had made. "Of course, I should not venture to say that I, +a stranger, know as much about the private habits of the gods as do +you, who have been their neighbor; but that they are rogues is news to +me." + +"That may be, too," said Hippopopolis. "People are often thought more +of by strangers than by their own fellow-townsmen. Even you, sir, I +might suspect, who are by these simple Greeks supposed to be a sort of +reigning sovereign in your own country, are not at home, perhaps, so +large a hill of potatoes. So with Jupiter and Apollo and Mercury, and +the ladies of the court. I haven't a doubt that in the United States +you think Jupiter a remarkably great man, and Apollo a musician, and +Mercury a gentleman of some business capacity, but we Greeks know +better. And as for the ladies--hum--well, your Excellency, they are +not received. They are too bold and pushing. They lack the +refinements, and as for their beauty and accomplishments--" + +Hippopopolis here indulged in a gesture which betokened excessive +scorn of the beauty and accomplishments of the ladies of Olympus. + +"You have never seen these people, Hippopopolis?" I asked. + +"I have been spared that necessity," said he, "but I know all about +them, and I assert to you upon my honor as a courier and the best +guide in the Archipelago that Jupiter is the worst old _roué_ a +country ever had saddled upon it; Apollo's music would drive you mad +and make you welcome a xylophone duet; and as for Mercury's business +capacity, that is merely a capacity for getting away from his +creditors. Why shouldn't a man wax rich if, after floating a thousand +bogus corporations, selling the stock at par and putting the money +into his own pocket, he could unfold his wings and fly off into the +empyrean, leaving his stock and bond holders to mourn their loss?" + +[Illustration: HIPPOPOPOLIS EXPLAINS] + +"Excuse me, Hippopopolis," I put in, interrupting him fearlessly for +the moment, "pray don't try to deceive me by any such statement as +that. I don't know very much, but I know something about Mercury, and +when you say he puts other people's money into his pockets, I am in a +position to prove otherwise. From five years of age up to the present +time I have been brought up in a home where a bronze statue of +Mercury, said to be the most perfect resemblance in all the statuary +of the world, classic or otherwise, has been the most conspicuous +ornament. At ten I could reproduce on paper with my pencil every line, +every shade, every curve, every movement of the effigy in so far as +my artistic talent would permit, and I know that Mercury not only had +no pocket, but wore no garments in which even so little as a change +pocket could have been concealed. Wherefore there must be some mistake +about your charge." + +Hippopopolis laughed. + +"Humph!" he said. "It is very evident that you people over the sea +have very superficial notions of things here. When Mercury posed for +that statue, like most of you people who have your photographs taken, +he posed in full evening dress. That is why there is so little of it +in evidence. But in his business suit, Mercury is a very different +sort of a person. Even in Olympus he'd have been ruled off the stock +exchange if he'd ventured to appear there as scantily attired as he is +in most of his statuary appearances. You certainly are not so green as +to suppose that that suit he wears in his statues is the whole extent +of his wardrobe?" + +"I had supposed so," I confessed. "It's a trifle unconventional; but, +then, he's one of the gods, and, I presumed, could dress as he +pleased. Your gods are independent, I should imagine, of the mere +decrees of fashion." + +"The more exalted one's position, the greater the sartorial +obligation," retorted Hippopopolis, who, for a Greek and a guide, had, +as will be seen, a vocabulary of most remarkable range. "Just as it +happens that our King here, like H. R. H. the Prince of Wales, has to +be provided with seven hundred and sixty-eight suits of clothes so as +to be properly clad at the variety of functions he is required to +grace, so does a god have to be provided with a wardrobe of rare +quality and extent. For drawing-room tables, mantel-pieces, and +pedestals, otherwise for statuary, Mercury can go about clad in just +about half as much stuff as it would require to cover a fairly sized +sofa-cushion and not arouse drastic criticism; but when he goes to +business he is as well provided with pockets as any other speculator." + +"Another idol shattered!" I cried, in mock grief. "But Apollo, +Hippopopolis--Apollo! Do not tell me he is not a virtuoso of rare +technique on the lyre!" + +"His technique is more than rare," sneered Hippopopolis. "It is +excessively raw. It has been said by men who have heard both that Nero +of Hades can do more to move an audience with his fiddle with two +strings broken and his bow wrist sprained than Apollo can do with the +aid of his lyre and a special dispensation of divine inspiration from +Zeus himself." + +"There are various ways of moving audiences, Hippopopolis," I +ventured. "Now Nero, I should say, could move an audience--out of the +hall--in a very few moments. In fact, I have always believed that that +is why he fiddled when Rome was burning: so that people would run out +of the city limits before they perished." + +"It's a very droll view," laughed Hippopopolis, "and I dare say holds +much of the truth; but Nero's faulty execution is not proof of +Apollo's virtuosity. For a woodland musicale given by the Dryads, say, +to their friends, the squirrels and moles and wild-cats, and other +denizens of the forest, Apollo will suffice. The musical taste of a +kangaroo might find the strumming of his lyre by Apollo to its liking, +but for cultivated people who know a crescendo andante-arpeggio from +the staccato tones of a penny whistle, he is inadequate." + +"You speak as if you had heard the god," said I. + +"I have not," retorted Hippopopolis, "but I have heard playing by +people, generally beginners, of whom the rural press has said that +he--or more often she--has the touch of an Apollo, and, if that is +true, as are all things we read in the newspapers, particularly the +rural papers, which are not so sophisticated as to lie, then Apollo +would better not attempt to play at one of our Athenian Courier +Association Smokers. I venture to assert that if he did he would have +to be carried home with a bandage about his brow instead of a laurel, +and his cherished lyre would become but a memory." + +I turned sadly to my supper. I had found the mundane things of Greece +disappointing enough, but my sorrow over Hippopopolis's expert +testimony as to the shortcoming of the gods was overwhelming. It was +to be expected that the country would fall into a decadent state +sooner or later, but that the Olympians themselves were not all that +they were cracked up to be by the mythologies had never suggested +itself to me. As a result of my courier's words, I lapsed into a moody +silence, which by eight o'clock developed into an irresistible desire +to sleep. + +"I'll take a nap, Hippopopolis," said I, rolling my coat into a bundle +and placing it under my head. "You will, I trust, be good enough to +stand guard lest some of these gods you have mentioned come and pick +my pockets?" I added, satirically. + +"I will see that the gods do not rob you," he returned, dryly, with a +slight emphasis on the word "gods," the significance of which I did +not at the moment take in, but which later developments made all too +clear. + +Three minutes later I slept soundly. + +At ten o'clock, about, I awoke with a start. The fire was out and I +was alone. Hippopopolis had disappeared and with him had gone my +watch, the contents of my pocket-book, my letter of credit, and +everything of value I had with me, with the exception of my +shirt-studs, which, I presume, would have gone also had they not been +fastened to me in such a way that, in getting them, Hippopopolis would +have had to wake me up. + +To add to my plight, the rain was pouring down in torrents. + + + + +II + +I Seek Shelter and Find It + + +"This is a fine piece of business," I said to myself, springing to my +feet. And then I called as loudly as my lungs would permit for +Hippopopolis. It was really exhilarating to do so. The name lends +itself so readily to a sonorous effect. The hills fairly echoed and +re-echoed with the name, but no answer came, and finally I gave up in +disgust, seeking meanwhile the very inadequate shelter of a tree, to +keep the rain off. A more woe-begone picture never presented itself, I +am convinced. I was chilled through, shivering in the dampness of the +night, a steady stream of water pouring upon and drenching my +clothing, void of property of an available nature, and lost in a +strange land. To make matters worse, I was familiar only with classic +Greek, which language is utterly unknown in those parts to-day, being +spoken only by the professors of the American school at Athens and the +war correspondents of the New York Sunday newspapers--a fact, by the +way, which probably accounts for the latter's unfamiliarity with +classic English. It is too much in these times to expect a man to +speak or write more than one language at a time. Even if I survived +the exposure of the night, a horrid death by starvation stared me in +the face, since I had no means of conveying to any one who might +appear the idea that I was hungry. + +Still, if starvation was to be my lot, I preferred to starve dryly +and warmly; so, deserting the tree which was now rather worse as a +refuge than no refuge at all, since the limbs began to trickle forth +steady streams of water, which, by some accursed miracle of choice, +seemed to consider the back of my neck their inevitable destination, I +started in to explore as best I could in the uncanny light of the +night for some more sheltered nook. Feeling, too, that, having robbed +me, Hippopopolis would become an extremely unpleasant person to +encounter in my unarmed and exhausted state, I made my way up the +mountainside, rather than down into the valley, where my inconsiderate +guide was probably even then engaged in squandering my hard-earned +wealth, in company with the peasants of that locality, who see real +money so seldom that they ask no unpleasant questions as to whence it +has come when they do see it. + +"Under the circumstances," thought I, "I sincerely hope that the paths +of Hippopopolis and myself may lie as wide as the poles apart. If so +be we do again tread the same path, I trust I shall see him in time to +be able to ignore his presence." + +With this reflection I made my way with difficulty up the side of +Olympus. Several times it seemed to me that I had found the spot +wherein I might lie until the sun should rise, but quite as often an +inconsiderate leak overhead through the leaves of the trees, or an +undiscovered crack in the rocks above me, sent me travelling upon my +way. Physical endurance has its limits, however, and at the end of a +two hours' climb, wellnigh exhausted, I staggered into an opening +between two walls of rock, and fell almost fainting to the ground. +The falling rain revived me, and on my hands and knees I crawled +farther in, and, to my great delight, shortly found myself in a +high-ceiled cavern, safe from the storm, a place in which one might +starve comfortably, if so be one had to pass through that trying +ordeal. + +"He might have left me my flask," I groaned as I thought over the pint +of warming liquid which Hippopopolis had taken from me. It was of a +particular sort, and I liked it whether I was thirsty or not. "If he'd +only left me that, he might have had my letter of credit, and no +questions asked. These Greeks are apparently not aware that there is +consideration even among thieves." + +Huddling myself together, I tried to get warm after the fashion of the +small boy when he jumps into his cold-sheeted bed on a winter's night, +a process which makes his legs warm the upper part of his body, and +_vice versa_. It was moderately successful. If I could have wrung the +water out of my clothes, it might have been wholly so. Still, matters +began to look more cheerful, and I was about to drop off into a doze, +when at the far end of the cavern, where all had hitherto been black +as night, there suddenly burst forth a tremendous flood of light. + +"Humph!" thought I, as the rays pierced through the blackness of the +cavern even to where I lay shivering. "I'm in for it now. In all +probability I have stumbled upon a bandits' cave." + +Pleasing visions of the ways of bandits began to flit through my mind. + +"In all likelihood," thought I, "there are seventeen of them. As I +have read my fiction, there are invariably seventeen bandits to a +band. It's like sixteen ounces to the pound, or three feet to the +yard, or fifty-three cents to the dollar. It never varies. What hope +have I to escape unharmed from seventeen bandits, even though five of +them are discontented--as is always the case in books--and are ready +to betray their chief to the enemy? I am the enemy, of course, but +I'll be hanged if I wish the chief betrayed into my hands. He could +probably thrash me single-handed. My hands are full anyhow, whether I +get the chief or not." + +[Illustration: A DREAM OF BRIGANDAGE] + +My heart sank into my boots; but as these were very wet, it promptly +returned to my throat, where it had rested ever since Hippopopolis had +deserted me. My heart is a very sane sort of an organ. I gazed towards +the light intently, expecting to see dark figures of murderous mould +loom up before me, but in this I was agreeably disappointed. Nothing +of the sort happened, and I grew easier in my mind, although my +curiosity was by no means appeased. + +"I know what I will do," I said to myself. "I'll make friends with the +chief himself. That's the best plan. If he is responsive, my family +will be spared the necessity of receiving one of my ears by mail with +a delicate request for $20,000 ransom, accompanied by a P. S. +enclosing the other ear to emphasize the importance of the +complication." + +By way of diversion, let me say here that, while slicing off the +victim's ear is a staple situation among novelists who write of +bandits, in all my experience with bandits--and I have known a +thousand, most of 'em in Wall Street--I have never known it done, and +I challenge those who write of South European highway-robbers to +produce any evidence to prove that the habit is prevalent. The idea +is, on the face of it, invalid. The ears of mankind, despite certain +differences which are acknowledged, are, after all, very much alike. +The point that differentiates one ear from another is the angle at +which it is set from the head. The angle, according to the most +scientific students of the organ of hearing, is the basis of the +estimate of the individual. Therefore, to convince the wealthy persons +at home that large sums of money are expected of them to preserve the +life of the father of the family, the truly expert bandit must send +something besides the ear itself, which, when cut off, has no angle +whatsoever. If I, who am no bandit, and who have not studied the art +of the banditti, may make a suggestion which may prove valuable to the +highwaymen of Italy and Greece, the only sure method of identifying +the individual lies in the cutting off of the head of the victim, by +which means alone the identity of the person to be ransomed may be +settled beyond all question. As one who has suffered, I will say that +I would not send a check for $20,000 to a bandit on the testimony of +one ear any more than I would lend a man ten dollars on his own +representation as to the meals he had not had, the drinks he wanted, +or the date upon which he would pay it back. + +All these ideas flashed across my mind as I lay there worn in spirit +and chilled to the bone. At last, however, after a considerable +effort, I gathered myself together and resolved to investigate. I rose +up, stood uncertainly on my feet, and was about to make my way towards +the sources of the unexpected light, when a dark figure rushed past +me. I tried to speak to it. + +"Hello, there!" said I, hoping to gain its attention and ask its +advice, since it came into the cavern in that breezy fashion which +betokens familiarity with surroundings. The being, whatever it really +was, and I was soon to find this out, turned a scornful and really +majestic face upon me, as much as to say, "Who are you that should +thus address a god?" The rushing thing wore a crown and flowing robes. +Likewise it had a gray beard and an air of power which made me, a mere +mortal, seem weak even in my own estimation. Furthermore, there was a +divine atmosphere following in his wake. It suggested the most +brilliant of brilliantine. + +"Here," he cried as he passed. "I haven't time to listen to your +story, but here is my card. I have no change about me. Call upon me +to-morrow and I will attend to your needs." + +The card fluttered to my side, and, not being a mendicant, I paid +little attention to it, preferring to watch this fast-disappearing +figure until I should see whither it was going. Arriving at the far +end of the cavern, the hurrying figure stopped and apparently pushed a +button at the side of the wall. Immediately an iron door, which I had +not before perceived, was pushed aside. The dark figure disappeared +into what seemed to be a well-lighted elevator, and was promptly +lifted out of sight. All became dark again, and I was frankly puzzled. +This was a situation beyond my ken. What it could mean I could not +surmise, and in the hope of finding a clew to the mystery I groped +about in the darkness for the card which the hurried individual had +cast at me with his words of encouragement. Ultimately I found it, but +was unable to decipher its inscription, if perchance it had one. +Nevertheless, I managed to keep my spirits up. This, I think, was a +Herculean task, considering the darkness and my extreme lonesomeness. +I can be happy under adverse circumstances, if only I have congenial +company. But to lie alone, in a black cavern, prey only to the +thoughts of my environment, thoughts suggesting all things apart from +life, thoughts which send the mind over the past a thousand centuries +removed--these are not comforting, and these were the only thoughts +vouchsafed to me. + +A half-hour was thus passed in the darkness, and then the light +appeared again, and I resolved, though little strength was left to me, +to seek out its source. I stood up and staggered towards it, and as I +drew nearer observed that the illumination came from nothing more nor +less than an elevator at the bottom of a shaft, the magnitude of +which I could not, of course, at the moment determine. + +The boy in charge was a pretty little chap, and, if I may so state it, +was absolutely unclad, but about his shoulders was slung a strap which +in turn held a leathern bag, which, to my eyes, suggested a golf-bag +more than anything else, except that it was filled with arrows instead +of golf-clubs. + +"How do you do?" said I, politely. "Whose caddy are you?" + +"Very well," said the little lad. "Not much to brag of, however. +Merely bobbish, pretty bobbish. In answer to your second question, I +take pleasure in informing you," he added, "that I am everybody's +caddy." + +"You are--the elevator boy?" I queried, with some hesitation. + +"That is my present position," said he. + +"And, ah, whither do you elevate, my lad?" + +[Illustration: IN THE ELEVATOR] + +"Up!" said he, after the manner of one who does not wish to commit +himself, like most elevator boys. "But whom do you wish to see?" he +demanded, trying hard to frown and succeeding only in making a +ludicrous exhibition of himself. + +Frankly, I did not know, but under the impulse of the moment I handed +out the card which the stranger had thrown to me. + +"I forget the gentleman's name," said I, "but here is his card. He +asked me to call." + +The elevator boy glanced at it, and his manner immediately changed. + +"Oh, indeed. Very well, sir," he said. "I'll take you up right away. +Step lively, please." + +I stepped into the elevator, and the lad turned a wheel which set us +upon our upward journey at once. + +"I am sorry to have been so rude to you, sir," said the boy. "I +didn't really know you were a friend of his." + +"Of whom?" I demanded. + +"The old man himself," he replied, with which he handed me back the +card I had given him, upon reading which I ascertained the name of the +individual who had rushed past me so unceremoniously. + +The card was this: + ++--------------------------------+ +| | +| | +| | +| MR. JUPITER JOVE ZEUS | +| | +| MOUNT OLYMPUS | +| GREECE | ++--------------------------------+ + +"Top floor, sir," said the elevator boy, obsequiously. + + + + +III + +The Elevator Boy + + +"Known the old man long, sir?" queried the boy as we ascended. + +"By reputation," said I. + +"Humph!" said the lad. "Can't have a very good opinion of him, then. +It's a good thing you are going to have a little personal experience +with him. He's not a bad lot, after all. Rotten things said of him, +but then--you know, eh?" + +"Oh, as for that," said I, "I don't think his reputation is so +dreadful. To be sure, there have been one or two little indiscretions +connected with his past, and at times he has seemed a bit vindictive +in chucking thunder-bolts at his enemies, but, on the whole, I fancy +he's behaved himself pretty well." + +"True," said the boy. "And then you've got to take his bringing-up +into consideration. Things which would be altogether wrong in the son +of a Presbyterian clergyman would not be unbecoming in a descendant of +old Father Time. Jupiter is, after all, a self-made immortal, and the +fact that his parents, old Mr. and Mrs. Cronos, let him grow up sort +of wild, naturally left its impress on his character." + +"Of course," said I, somewhat amused to hear the Thunderer's character +analyzed by a mere infant. "But how about yourself, my laddie? Are you +anybody in particular? You look like a cherub." + +"Some folks call me Dan," said the boy, "and I _am_ somebody in +particular. Fact is, sir, if it hadn't been for me there wouldn't +have been anybody in particular anywhere. I'm Cupid, sir, God of Love, +favorite son of Venus, at your service." + +"And husband of the delectable Psyche?" I cried, recalling certain +facts I had learned. "You look awfully young to be married." + +"Hum--well, I was, and I am, but we've separated," the boy replied, +with a note of sadness in his voice. "She was a very nice little +person, that Psyche--one of the best ever, I assure you--but she was +too much of a butterfly to be the perpetual confidante of a person +charged with such important matters as I am. Besides, she didn't get +on with mother." + +"Seems to me that I have heard that Madame Venus did not approve of +the match," I vouchsafed. + +"No. She didn't from the start," said Cupid. "Psyche was too pretty, +and ma rather wanted to corner all the feminine beauty in our family; +but I had my way in the end. I generally do," the little chap added, +with a chuckle. + +"But the separation, my dear boy?" I put in. "I am awfully sorry to +hear of that. I, in common with most mortals, supposed that the +marriage was idyllic." + +"It was," said Cupid, "and therefore not practical enough to be a good +investment. You see, sir, there was a time when the love affairs of +the universe were intrusted to my care. Lovers everywhere came to me +to confide their woes, and I was doing a great business. Everybody was +pleased with my way of conducting my department. I seemed to have a +special genius for managing a love affair. Even persons who were +opposed to the administration conceded that the Under Secretary of +Home Affairs--myself--was assured of a cabinet office for life, +whatever party was in power. If Pluto had been able to get elected, +the force of public opinion would have kept me in office. Then I +married, myself, and things changed. Like a dutiful husband, I had no +secrets from my wife. I couldn't have had if I had wanted to. Psyche's +curiosity was a close second to Pandora's, and, if she wanted to know +anything, there was never any peace in the family until she found out +all about it. Still, I didn't wish to have any secrets from her. As a +scientific expert in Love, I knew that the surest basis of a lasting +happiness lay in mutual confidence. Hence, I told Psyche all I knew, +and it got her into trouble right away." + +"She--ah--couldn't keep a secret?" I asked. + +"At first she could," said Cupid. "That was the cause of the first +row between her and Venus. Mother got mad as a hatter with her one +morning after breakfast because Psyche _could_ keep a secret. There +was a little affair on between Jupiter and a certain person whose name +I shall not mention, and I had charge of it. Of course, I told Psyche +all about it, and in some way known only to woman she managed to +convey to Venus the notion that she knew all about it, but couldn't +tell, and, still further, wouldn't tell. I'd gone down-town to +business, leaving everything peaceful and happy, but when I got back +to luncheon--Great Chaos, it was awful! The two ladies were not on +speaking terms, and I had to put on a fur overcoat to keep from +freezing to death in the atmosphere that had arisen between them. It +was six inches below zero--and the way those two would sniff and sneer +at each other was a caution." + +"I quite understand the situation," I said, sympathetically. + +"No doubt," said Cupid. "You can also possibly understand how a +quarrel between the only two women you ever loved could incapacitate +you for your duties. For ten days after that I was simply incapable of +directing the love affairs of the universe properly. Persons I'd +designed for each other were given to others, and a great deal of +unhappiness resulted. There were nine thousand six hundred and +seventy-six divorces as the result of that week's work. It's a +terrible situation for a well-meaning chap to have to decide between +his wife and his mother." + +"Never had it," said I; "but I can imagine it." + +"Don't think you can," sighed Cupid. "There are situations in real +life, sir, which surpass the wildest flights of the imagination. That +is why truth is stranger than fiction. However," he added, his face +brightening, "it was a useful experience to me in my professional +work. I learned for the first time that when a mother-in-law comes in +at the door, intending to remain indefinitely, love flies out at the +window. Or, as Solomon--I believe it was Solomon. He wrote Proverbs, +did he not?" + +"Yes," said I. "He and Josh Billings." + +"Well," vouchsafed Cupid, "I can't swear as to the authorship of the +proverb, but some proverbialist said 'Two is company and three is a +crowd.' I'd never known that before, but I learned it then, and began +to stay away from home a little myself, so that we should not be +crowded." + +I commended the young man for his philosophy. + +"Nevertheless, my dear Dan," I added, "you ought to be more +autocratic. Knowing that two is company and three otherwise, you have +been guilty of allowing many a young couple who have trusted in you to +begin house-keeping with an inevitable third person. We see it every +day among the mortals." + +"What has been good enough for me, sir," the boy returned, with a +comical assumption of sternness--he looked so like a fat baby of three +just ready for his bath--"is good enough for mortals. When I married +Psyche, I brought her home to my mother's house, and for some nineteen +thousand years we lived together. If Love can stand it, mortals must." + +"Excuse me," said I, apologetically. "I have not suffered. However, in +all my study of you mythologians, it has never occurred to me before +this that Venus was the goddess of the mother-in-law." + +"You mustn't blame me for that," said Cupid, dryly. "I'm the god of +Love; wisdom is out of my province. For what you don't know and +haven't learned you must blame Pallas, who is our Superintendent of +Public Instruction. She knows it all--and she got it darned easy, too. +She sprang forth from the head of Jove with a Ph.D. already conferred +upon her. She looks after the education of the world. I don't--but +I'll wager you anything you please to put up that man gains more real +experience under my management than he does from Athena's department, +useful as her work is." + +I could not but admit the truth of all that the boy said, and of +course I told him so. To change the subject, which, if pursued, might +lead to an exposure of my own ignorance, I said: + +"But, Dan, what interests me most, and pains me most as well, is to +hear that you are separated from Psyche. I do not wish to seem +inquisitive on the subject of a--ah--of a man's family affairs"--I +hesitated in my speech because he seemed such a baby and it was +difficult to take him seriously, as is always the way with Love, +unless we are directly involved--"but you have told me of the +separation, and as a man, a newspaper-man, I am interested. Couldn't +you reconcile your mother, Madame Venus, to Psyche--or, rather, Mrs. +Dan?" + +[Illustration: "'THE GODDESS OF THE MOTHER-IN-LAW'"] + +"Not for a moment," replied the boy. "Not for a millionth part of a +tenth of a quarter of a second by a stop-watch. Their irreconcilability +was copper-fastened, and I found myself compelled to choose between +them. My mother developed a gray hair the day after the first trouble, +and my wife began to go out to afternoon teas and sewing-circles and +dances. The teas and dances were all right. You can't talk at either. +But the sewing-circle was ruin. At this particular time the circle was +engaged in making winter garments for the children of the mother of +the Gracchi. I presume that as a student and as a father you realize +all that this meant. You also know that a sewing-circle needs four +things: first, an object; second, a needle and thread; third, a +garment; fourth, a subject for conversation. These things are +constitutionally required, and Psyche joined what she called 'The +Immortal Dorcas.' The result was that all Olympus and half of Hades +were shortly acquainted with the confidential workings of my +department--all told under the inviolate bond of secrecy, however, +which requires that each member confided in shall not communicate what +she has heard to more--or to less--than ten people." + +"I know," said I. "The Dorcas habit has followers among my own +people." + +"But see where it placed me!" cried the little creature. "There was +me, or I--I don't know whether Greek or English is preferable to +you--charged with the love affairs of the universe. Confiding all I +knew, like a dutiful husband, to my wife, and having her letting it +all out to the public through the society. Why, my dear fellow, it +wasn't long before the immortals began to accuse me of being in the +pay of the Sunday newspapers, and you must know as well as anybody +else that Love has nothing to do with them. Even the affairs of my +sovereign began to creep out, and innuendoes connecting Jupiter with +people prominent in society were printed in the opposition organs." + +"Poor chap!" said I, sympathetically. "I did not realize that you had +to contend against the Sunday-newspaper nuisance as we mortals have." + +"We have," he said, quickly, almost resignedly; "and they are ruining +even Olympus itself. Still, I made a stand. Told Psyche she talked too +much, and from that time on confided in her no more." + +"And how did she take it?" I asked. + +"She declined to take it at all," said Cupid, with a sigh. "She +demanded that I should tell her everything on penalty of losing +her--and I lost her. She left me a little over a thousand years ago, +and my mother for the same reason sent me adrift fifteen hundred or +more years ago. That is why I am eking out a living running an +elevator," he added, sadly. "Still, I'm happy here. I go up when I +feel sad, and go down when I feel glad. On the whole, I am as happy as +any of the gods." + +"However, Dan," I cried, sympathetically, slapping him on the back, +"you have your official position, and that will keep you in--ah--well, +you don't seem to need 'em, but it would keep you in clothes if you +could be persuaded to wear them." + +"No," said the little elevator boy, sadly. "I don't want 'em in this +climate--nor are they necessary in any other. All over the world, my +dear fellow, _true_ love is ever warm." + +There was a decided interval. I felt sorry for the little lad who had +been a god and who had become an elevator boy, so I said to him: + +"Never mind, Danny, you are sure of your office always." + +"I wish it were so," said he, sadly. "But really, sir, it isn't. You +may think that love rules all things nowadays, but that is a fallacy. +Of late years a rival concern has sprung up. I have found my office +subjected to a most annoying competition which has attracted away from +me a large number of my closest followers. In the days when we +acknowledged ourselves to be purely heathen, love was regarded with +respect, but now all that is changed. Opposite my office in the +government building there is a matrimonial corporation doing a very +large business, by which the fees of my position are greatly reduced. +Possibly after you have had your audience with Jove to-morrow you will +take a turn about the city, in which event you will see this trust's +big brazen sign. You can't miss it if you walk along Mercury Avenue. +It reads: + ++----------------------------------+ +| MAMMON & CO. | +| Matchmakers | +| | +| FORTUNES GUARANTEED: | +| HAPPINESS EXTRA | +| | +| GEO. W. MAMMON | +| President | +| | +| HORACE GREED | +| Gen'l Manager | +| | +| BRANCH OFFICE | +| 67 Gehenna Ave., Hades | ++----------------------------------+ + +"Dear me!" I cried. "Poor Love!" + +"I don't need your sympathy," said the boy, quickly, drawing himself +up proudly. "It can't last, this competition. Man and god kind will +soon see the difference in the permanence of our respective output. +This is only a temporary success they are having, and it often happens +that the spurious articles put forth by Mammon & Company are brought +over to me to be repaired. My sun will dawn again. You can't put out +the fires in my furnaces as long as men and women are made from the +old receipt." + +Here the elevator stopped, and a rather attractive young woman +appeared at the door. + +"Here is where you get out, sir," said the elevator boy. + +"You are Mr.----" began the girl. + +"I am," I replied. + +"I have orders to show you to number 609," she said. "The proprietor +will see you to-morrow at eleven." + +"Thank you very much," I replied, somewhat overcome by the cordiality +of my reception. It is not often that mere beggars are so hospitably +received. + +"Good-night, Cupid," I added, turning to the little chap in the +elevator. "I trust we shall meet again." + +"Oh, I guess we will," he replied, with a wink at the maid. "I +generally do meet most men two or three times in their lives. So _au +revoir_ to you. Treat the gentleman well, Hebe," he concluded, pulling +the rope to send the elevator back. "He doesn't know much, but he is +sympathetic." + +"I will, Danny, for your sake," said the little maid, archly. + +The boy laughed and the car faded from sight. Hebe, even more lovely +than has been claimed, with a charmingly demure glance at my costume, +which was wofully bedraggled and wet, said: + +"This way, sir. I will have your luggage sent to your room at once." + +"But I haven't any luggage, my dear," said I. "I have only what is on +my back." + +"Ah, but you have," she replied, sweetly. "The proprietor has attended +to that. There are five trunks, a hat-box, and a Gladstone bag already +on their way up." + +And with this she showed me into a magnificent apartment, and, even +as she had said, within five minutes my luggage arrived, a valet +appeared, unpacked the trunks and bag, brushed off the hat that had +lain in the hat-box, and vanished, leaving me to my own reflections. + +Surely Olympus was a great place, where one who appeared in the guise +of a beggar was treated like a regiment of prodigal sons, furnished +with a gorgeous apartment, and supplied with a wardrobe that would +have aroused the envy of a reigning sovereign. + + + + +IV + +I Summon a Valet + + +The room to which I was assigned was regal in its magnificence, and +yet comfortable. Few modern hotels afforded anything like it, and, +tired as I was, I could not venture to rest until I had investigated +it and its contents thoroughly. It was, I should say, about twenty by +thirty feet in its dimensions, and lighted by a soft, mellow glow that +sprang forth from all parts without any visible source of supply. At +the far end was a huge window, before which were drawn portières of +rich material in most graceful folds. Pulling these to one side, so +that I might see what the outlook from the window might be, I +staggered back appalled at the infinite grandeur of what lay before my +eyes. It seemed as if all space were there, and yet within the compass +of my vision. Planets which to my eye had hitherto been but twinkling +specks of light in the blackness of the heavens became peopled worlds, +which I could see in detail and recognize. Mars with its canals, +Saturn with its rings--all were there before me, seemingly within +reach of my outstretched hand. The world in which I lived appeared to +have been removed from the middle distance, and those things which had +rested beyond the ken of the mortal mind brought to my very feet, to +be seen and touched and comprehended. + +Then I threw the window open, and all was changed. The distant +objects faded, and a beautiful golden city greeted my eyes--the city +of Olympus, in which I was to pass so many happy hours. For the +instant I was puzzled. Why at one moment the treasures of the universe +of space had greeted my vision, and how all that had faded and the +immediate surroundings of a celestial city lay before me, were not +easy to understand. I drew back and closed the window again, and at +once all became clear; the window-glass held the magic properties of +the magnifying-lens, developed to an intensity which annihilated all +space, and I began to see that the development of mortals in +scientific matters was puny beside that of the gods in whose hands lay +all the secrets of the universe, although the principles involved were +in our full possession. + +The situation overwhelmed me somewhat, and I drew the portières +together again. The feelings that came over me were similar to those +that come to one standing on the edge of a great precipice gazing +downward into the vast, black depths yawning at his feet. The +giddiness that once, many years before, came upon me as I stood on the +brink of the Niagaran cataract, which seemed irresistibly impelling me +to join the mad rush of the waters, surged over me again, and I forced +myself backward into the room, shutting out the sight, lest I should +cast myself forth into the infinite space beyond. I threw myself down +upon a couch and covered my eyes with my hands and tried to realize +the situation. I was drunk with awe at all that was about me, and +should, I think, have gone mad trying to comprehend its grandeur, had +not my spirit been soothed by soft strains of music that now fell upon +my ears. + +I opened my eyes to discover whence the sounds had come, and even as +the light streamed from unknown and unseen sources, so it was with the +harmonies which followed, harmonies surpassing in beauty and swelling +glory anything I had ever heard before. + +And to these magnificent but soft and soothing strains I yielded +myself up and slept. How long my sleep continued I have no means of +knowing. It seemed to last but an instant, but when I opened my eyes +once more I felt absolutely renewed in body and in spirit. The damp +garments which I had worn when I fell back upon the couch had in some +wise been removed, and when I stood up to indulge in the usual +stretching of my limbs I found myself clad in an immaculate flowing +robe of white, soft of texture, fastened at the neck with a jewelled +brooch, and at the waist its fulness restrained by a girdle of gold. +Furthermore, I had apparently been put through a process of ablution +which left me with the cockles of my heart as warm as toast, and my +whole being permeated with a glow of health which I had not known for +many years. The aches in my bones, which I had feared on waking to +find intensified, were gone; and if I could have retained permanently +the aspect of vigor and beauty which was returned to me by the mirror +when I stood before it, I should be in imminent danger of becoming +conceited. + +"I wonder," said I, as I gazed at myself in the mirror, "if this is +the correct costume for breakfast. It's a slight drawback to know +nothing of the customs of the locality in which you find yourself. +Possibly an investigation of my new wardrobe will help me to decide." + +I looked over the rich garments which had been provided, and found +nothing which, according to my simple bringing up, suggested the idea +that it was a good thing to wear at the morning meal. + +"They ought to send me a valet," I murmured. "Perhaps they will if I +ring for one. Where the deuce is the bell, I wonder?" + +A search of the room soon divulged the resting-place of this desirable +adjunct to the tourist's comfort. The dial system which has proved so +successful in American hotels was in vogue here, except that it +manifested a willingness on the part of the proprietor to provide the +guest with a range of articles utterly beyond anything to be found in +the purely mundane caravansary. I found that anything under the canopy +that the mind of man could conceive of could be had by the mere +pushing of a button. The disk of the electrical apparatus was divided +off into many sections, calling respectively for saddle-horses, +symphony concerts, ocean steamships, bath-towels, stenographers; +cocktails of all sorts, and some sorts of which I had never before +heard, and all of which I resolved to try in discreet sequence; +manicures, chiropodists, astrologers, prophets, clergymen of all +denominations, plots for novelists--indeed, anything that any person +in any station of life might chance to desire could be got for the +ringing. + +My immediate need, however, was for a valet. Puzzled as to the manners +and customs of the gods, I did not wish to make a bad appearance in +the dining-room in a costume which should not be appropriate. I did +think of ordering breakfast served in my room, but that seemed a very +mortal and not a particularly godlike thing to do. Hence, I rang for a +valet. + +[Illustration: "ANYTHING COULD BE GOT FOR THE RINGING"] + +"I will tell him to get out my morning-suit, and no doubt he will +select the thing I ought to wear," I said as I pressed the button. + +The response was instant. My fingers had hardly left the button when a +superb creature stood before me. Whence he sprang I do not know. There +were no opening of doors, no traps or false panels, that I could see. +The individual simply materialized. + +"At your service, sir," said he, with a graceful obeisance. + +"Pardon me," I replied, overcome once more by what was going on. +"I--ah--think there must be some mistake. I--ah--I didn't ring for a +god, I rang for a valet." + +"I am the valet of Olympus, sir," he replied, gracefully flicking a +speck of dust from the calf of his leg, the contour of which was +beautiful to look upon, clad in superbly fitting silken tights. +"Adonis, at your service. What can I do for you?" + +"Well, I declare!" I cried, lost now in admiration of the way the gods +were ordering things on Olympus. "So they've made you a valet, have +they?" + +"Yes," replied Adonis. "I hold office for the six months that I am +here. You know that I am a resident of Olympus only half the time. The +balance I live in Hades." + +"It's a common custom," said I. "Even with us, our swellest people go +south for the winter." + +"Hum--yes," said Adonis, somewhat confused. "It's very good of you to +draw that parallel. Your construction of the situation does credit to +your sense of what is polite, sir. Unfortunately for me, however, my +position is more like that of the habitual criminal who is sent to the +penitentiary periodically. I have to go, whether I want to or not." + +"Still, it must be a pleasant variation," I observed, forgetting that +it is bad form to converse with a servant, and remembering only that I +was addressing an old flame of Madame Venus. "Hades isn't a bad place +for a little while, I should fancy." + +"True," sighed Adonis. "But the society there is very mixed. It's full +of self-made immortals, whereas we are all immortals by birth." + +"And who, pray," I queried, "takes your place while you are below?" + +"Narcissus," he replied; "but there's generally a lot of complaint +about him. He takes more pains dressing himself than he does in +looking after guests, the result of which is that after my departure +things get topsy-turvy, and by the time I get back, with the exception +of Narcissus, there isn't a well-dressed god in all Olympus." + +"I wonder, where such perfection is possible," said I, "that they +tolerate that." + +"They're not going to very much longer," said Adonis, and then he +laughed. "Narcissus queered himself last season at the palace. Jove +sent for him to trim his beard, and he nearly cut one of the old man's +ears off. Investigation showed that instead of keeping his eye on what +he was doing, he was looking at himself in the glass all the time. +Jupiter in his anger hurled a thunderbolt at him, but, fortunately for +Narcissus, he hurled it at the mirrored and not at the real Narcissus, +and he escaped. The result is the rumor that he will be made +head-waiter in the dining-room instead of valet next season, in which +event I shall probably be allowed to remain here all through the year, +or else they'll put Jason on." + +"And which would you prefer?" I asked. + +[Illustration: "JUPITER HURLED A THUNDER-BOLT AT HIM"] + +"I think I'd rather have Jason put on," said Adonis. "While I don't +care much for the climate of Hades, I am received there with much +consideration socially, whereas up here I am only the valet. One +doesn't mind being a nabob once in a while, you know. Besides--ah--don't +say anything about it to anybody up here, but I'm getting a trifle +tired of Venus. She is still beautiful, but you can't get over the +idea that she's over four thousand years old. Furthermore, I met a +little Fury down below last season who is simply ravishing." Here +Adonis gave me a wink which made me rather curious to see the little +Fury. + +"Ah, Adonis, Adonis!" I cried, shaking my finger at him; "still up to +your old tricks, are you?" + +"Why not?" he demanded. "My character is formed. _Noblesse oblige_ is +a good motto for us all, only when one is born with _faiblesse_ +instead of _noblesse_, it becomes _faiblesse oblige_. Furthermore, +sir, if I am to have the reputation, I must insist upon the +perquisites." + +What I replied to this bit of moralizing I shall not put down here, +since I have no wish to commit myself thus publicly. I will say, +however, that I did not blame the youthful-looking person +unreservedly. + +"Moreover, I have very fine apartments in Hades," he added, "and I +should hate to give them up. I live at the select home for gods and +gentlemen, kept by Madame Persephone. When she takes an interest in +one of her boarders she is a mighty fine landlady, and, like most +ladies, if I may say it with all due modesty, she has taken an +interest in me. The result is that I have the best suite in the house, +overlooking the Styx, and as fine a table as any one could want. But +I must ask your pardon, sir, for taking up so much of your time with +my personal affairs. We both seem to have forgotten that I am here to +wait upon you." + +"It has been very interesting, Adonis," I said. "And if it's anybody's +fault, it is mine. What I wished of you was that you should get out my +breakfast-suit, so that I might dress and go to the dining-room." + +"Certainly, sir," he replied, walking to the clothes-closet. "Pardon +me, but--ah--what is your profession when at home?" + +"Why do you ask?" I queried. "Not that I am unwilling to tell you, +but--" + +"I merely wished to guide my selection of your garments. If you are a +naval officer, I will put out your admiral's uniform. If you are a +professional golfer, I'll get out your red coat." + +"I am a literary man," I said. + +"Ah!" he observed, lifting his eyebrows. "Then, of course, you won't +mind wearing these." + +And he hauled forth a pair of black-and-white trousers with checks as +large as the squares of a chessboard, a blue cloth vest with white +polka dots, and a long, gray Prince Albert coat, with mauve satin +lapels. The shirt was pink and blue, stripes of each alternating, +running cross-ways, a white collar, and a flaring red four-in-hand +tie! + +"Great Scott, Adonis!" I cried. "Must I wear those?" + +"You're under no compulsion to do so," said he. "But I thought you +said you were a literary man." + +"Well?" + +"Well--literary men never care what they wear so long as they attract +attention, do they?" + +I laughed. "We are not all built that way, Adonis," said I. "Some of +us are modest and have a little taste." + +"Well, it's news to me," said he. "I guess it must be among the minor +lights." + +"It is--generally," said I. "And if you don't mind, I'd rather wear +the golf clothes." + +And I did. + + + + +V + +The Olympian Links + + +"There," said Adonis, as he put the finishing touch to my costume. +"You look like a champion. Do you play golf, sir?" + +"There's a difference of opinion about that, Adonis," I replied, my +mind reverting to the number of handicap matches I hadn't won. "Some +people who have observed my game say I don't. Have you links here?" + +"Have we links?" he cried. "Well, rather. They're said to be the best +in the universe." + +"And are they handy?" + +"Very--in the season." + +"I don't quite catch the idea," I said. + +"Oh, sometimes the course is nearer than it is at others. Come here a +minute," he said, "and I'll point it out to you." + +He drew me to the wonderful window of which I have already spoken, and +through the powerful glass pointed in the direction of Mars. + +"See that?" he said. + +"Yes," I replied. "That is Mars." + +"Exactly," said Adonis. "Mars is the Olympian links. His distance from +here varies, as you are probably aware. When Mars is near aphelion he +is 61,800,000 miles away, but in his perihelion he gets it down to +33,800,000. That's why we have our golf season while Mars is in his +perihelion. It saves us 28,000,000 miles in getting there." + +I laughed. "You call that handy, do you?" I said. + +"Why not?" he asked. "It's a matter of five minutes on a bike, ten +minutes in the automobile, and twenty minutes if you walk." + +"Of course, Adonis," said I, "I'm not so green as to swallow all that. +How the dickens can you walk through space?" + +"You're vastly greener than you think you are," he retorted, rather +uncivilly, perhaps, for a valet, but I paid no attention to that, +preferring to take him, despite his menial capacity, in his godlike +personality. "I might even say, sir, that your greenness is spacious. +You judge us from your own mean, limited, mundane point of view. But +you needn't think because you earth people cannot walk on air we +Olympians are equally incapacitated. You can walk there in two ways. +One of these is to fasten a pair of ankle-wings on your legs; the +other is to purchase a pair of sky-scrapers. These are simple, +consisting merely of boots with gas soles. You inflate the soles with +gas and walk along. It's simple and easy, doesn't require any +practice, and as long as you keep up in the air and don't step on +church steeples or weather-vanes it's perfectly safe. Of course, if +you stepped on a sharp-pointed weather-vane, or a lightning-rod, and +punctured your sole, there's no telling what would happen." + +"And how about the wings?" I asked. + +"They're much more exhilarating, but a little dangerous if you don't +know how to use them," Adonis replied. "Flying isn't any easier than +roller-skating, and if you upset and get your head below your feet +it's extremely difficult to right yourself again. If you try to go out +there with ankle-wings, take my advice and wear a pair of small +balloons about your chest to hold you right-end upward." + +"I'll remember," said I, somewhat awed at the prospect of trying to +walk through space with the aid of ankle-wings. "And how about the +bicycle?" I added. + +"If you can ride a bicycle on an ordinary road you'll have no +trouble," he replied. "Keep your tires well filled with gas and avoid +headers. If I were you, though, at first I'd go out on the automobile. +It makes six round trips a day and it's absolutely safe. Being so high +up in the air might make you dizzy, and you might find the bicycling +too much for your nerves. After a little while you'll get used to +enormous heights, and then, of course, you can go any old way you +choose. The fare for the round trip is only fifteen hundred dollars." + +"The automobile is in competent hands, eh?" + +"Yes," said Adonis. "Phaeton has charge of it." + +"Humph!" I sneered. "He's your idea of a competent driver, eh? He +hasn't that reputation on earth. Was it an untruth that credits him +with a fine smash-up when he tried to drive the chariot of the sun?" + +"Not a bit of it," said Adonis. "That's all of it simple truth. I +happen to know, because I saw the finish of the whole thing myself, +and was one of the fellows who turned a fire-extinguisher on him and +saved him from being a total loss to the insurance companies. But he +learned his lesson. There's nothing like experience to teach caution, +and that little episode gave Phaeton caution to burn, if I may indulge +in mundane slang. He was guyed so unmercifully by everybody for his +carelessness that the first thing he did when he recovered was to +learn how to drive, and it wasn't six cycles before he was the most +expert whip in Olympus. He finally made a profession of it and +established a livery-stable. Then, when the automobile came in and +horses went out of fashion, he kept up with the times, and is to-day +in charge of all our rapid transit--he owns the franchises for the +Jupiter and Dipper Trolley Road, he is the largest stockholder in the +Metropolitan Traction Company of Neptune, Saturn, and Venus, and is +said to be the moving spirit back of the new underground electric in +Hades." + +"I guess he'll do," said I, reflecting with admiration upon the +wonderful self-rehabilitation of one I had previously regarded as a +foolish incompetent. + +"You won't have to guess again in this case," said Adonis, dryly. +"You've hit it right the very first time." + +"Well, tell me about the links, Adonis," said I. "Getting there seems +to be an easy matter, but after you get there, how about the course? +Is it eighteen holes?" + +"It is," said Adonis, "and of proper length, too, and splendidly +arranged. You start at the club-house right near the landing-stage and +play right around the planet, so that when you're through you're back +at the club-house again. At the ninth hole there is a half-way house, +where you can get nectar, and ambrosia, and sarsaparilla, and any +other soft drink you want." + +"No hard drinks, eh?" I queried. + +"Not at the half-way house," said Adonis. "We gods have too much sense +to indulge in hard drinks in the middle of a game. If you want hard +drinks you have to wait till you get back to the club-house." + +"That is rather sensible," I said, as I thought of how a Martini +cocktail taken at the ninth hole had ruined my chances in the +Noodleport Annual Handicap last autumn. "But I say, Adonis," I added, +"did I understand you to say that you played all around Mars?" + +"Yes--why not?" said he. + +"Pretty long holes, I should say," said I. "Mars is four thousand +miles round, isn't it?" + +"You _are_ an earth-worm," he retorted, forgetting his place wholly in +his scorn for my picayune ideas. "Calling a paltry four thousand miles +long--why, you can play around that links in two hours and a half." + +"Indeed?" said I. "And how long may your hours be? Everything here is +on such a magnificent scale, I suppose one of your hours is about +equal to one of our decades." + +"Oh no," said Adonis. "It isn't that way at all. Fact is, we make our +hours to suit ourselves. I am merely reckoning on a basis that you +would comprehend. I meant two and a half of your hours. Any +moderately expert player can play the Mars links in that time. Take +the first hole, for instance--it's only two hundred and fifty miles +long." + +"Really--is that all!" I ejaculated, growing sarcastic. "A drive, two +brassies, an approach, and forty puts, I presume?" + +"For a duffer, perhaps," retorted Adonis. "Willie Ph[oe]bus does it in +six. A seventy-five-mile drive, a seventy-mile brassie, a loft over +the canal for twenty-five miles, a forty-five-mile cleak, a +thirty-mile approach, and--" + +"A dead easy put of five miles!" I put in, making a pretence of being +no longer astonished. + +"That's the idea," said Adonis. "Of course, everybody can't do it," he +added. "And bogie for that hole is really seven. Willie Ph[oe]bus +played too well for a gentleman, so we made him a professional. He'll +give you lessons for a thousand dollars an hour, if you want him to." + +"Thanks," said I. "I'll think about it. Can he teach me how to drive a +ball seventy-five miles?" + +"That depends on your capacity," said Adonis. "Some of the best +players frequently drive seventy-five miles--the record is ninety-six +miles, made by Jove himself. Willie taught him." + +"For Heaven's sake!" I cried, losing my self-poise for an instant. +"What do you drive with? Olympian Gatling guns?" + +"Not at all," replied Adonis. "We use one of our regular drivers--the +best is called the 'celestial catapult.' Ph[oe]bus sells 'em at the +Caddie House for five hundred dollars apiece. If you strike a ball +fair and square with the 'celestial catapult,' and neither pull nor +slice, it can't help going forty miles, anyhow." + +"And how, may I ask, do the caddies find a ball that goes seventy-five +miles?" + +"They don't have to. All our balls are self-finding," said Adonis. +"The ball in use now is a recent invention of Vulcan's. They cost +twelve hundred dollars a dozen. They are made of liquefied +electricity. We take the electric current, liquefy it, then solidify +it, then mould it into the form of a sphere. Inside we place a little +gong, that begins to ring as soon as the ball lands. The electricity +in it is what makes it fly so rapidly and so far, and even you mortals +know the principle of the electric bell." + +"Oh, indeed we do," said I, pulling at my mustache nervously. I was +beginning to get excited over this celestial golf. On earth I have all +of the essentials of a first-class golf maniac, except the ability to +play the game. But this so far surpassed anything I had ever seen or +imagined before that I was growing too keen over it for comfort. I was +in real need of having my spirits curbed, so I ventured to inquire +after a phase of the game that has always dampened my ardor in the +past--the caddie service. I did not expect that this could attain +perfection even in Olympus, and I was not far wrong. + +"You must have pretty lively caddies," I threw out. + +Adonis sighed. "You'd think so, but that's where we are always in +trouble. We've tried various schemes, but they haven't any of 'em +worked well. At first we took our own Olympian boys. We got the mother +of the Gracchi to lend us her offspring, but they weren't worth a rap. +Then we hired forty little devils from Hades, and we had to send them +back inside of a week. They were regular little imps. They were +cutting up monkey shines all the time, and waggled their horrid little +tails so constantly that Jove himself couldn't keep his eye on the +ball--and the language they used was something frightful. You couldn't +trust them to clean your clubs, because there wasn't any power +anywhere that could keep them from running off with 'em; and in the +matter of balls, they'd steal every blessed one they could lay their +hands on. We finally had to employ cherubs. We've about sixty of 'em +on hand now all the time, and they come as near being perfect as you +could expect. Ever see a cherub?" + +"Only in pictures," said I. "They're just heads with wings, aren't +they?" + +"Yes," said Adonis, "and, having no bodies, they're seldom in the way, +and some of the best of 'em can fly almost as fast as the ball." + +"How do they carry the bags?" I asked, much interested. + +"They hang 'em about their necks, just above their wings," Adonis +explained, "but even they are not perfect. They fly very carelessly, +and often, in swooping about the sky, drop your clubs out of the bag +and smash 'em; and they all look so infernally alike that you can +never tell your own caddy from the other fellow's, which is sometimes +very confusing." + +"Still," I put in, "a caddie with no pockets is a very safe person to +intrust with golf balls." + +"That's very true," said Adonis, "and I suppose the cherubs make as +good caddies as we can expect. Caddies will be caddies, and that's the +end of it. You can't expect a caddie to do just right any more than +you can expect water to flow uphill. There are certain immutable laws +of the universe which are as unchangeable in Olympus as on earth or +in Hades. Ice is cold, fire is hot, water is wet, and caddies are +caddies." + +[Illustration: THE OLYMPIAN LINKS] + +"Very true," said I, reflecting upon the ways of "Some Caddies I have +Met." "What do you pay them a round?" + +"One hundred and twenty-five dollars," said Adonis. + +"Cheap enough," said I. "But tell me, Adonis," I continued, "who is +your amateur champion?" + +"Jupiter, of course," said Adonis, with an impatient shake of his +head. "He's champion of everything. It's one of his prerogatives. We +don't any of us dare win a cup from him for fear he'll use his power +to destroy us. That is one of the features of this Olympian life that +is not pleasant--though, for goodness' sake, don't say I told you! +He'd send me into perpetual exile if he knew I'd spoken that way. +He's threatened to make me Governor-General of the Dipper half a +dozen times already for things I've said, and I have to be very +careful, or he'll do it." + +"An unpleasant post, that?" + +"Well," he said, "I don't exactly know how to compare it so that you +would understand precisely. I should say, however, it would be about +as agreeable as being United States ambassador to Borneo." + +"I'll never tell, Adonis," said I, "and I'm very much obliged to you +for our pleasant chat. Your description of the links has interested me +hugely. If I could afford a game at your prices, I think I'd play." + +"Oh, as for that," said Adonis, laughing, "don't let that bother you. +Whenever you want to pay a bill here all you have to do is to press +the cash button on the teleseme over there, and they'll send the money +up from the office." + +"But how shall I ever repay the office?" I cried. + +"Press the button to the left of it, and they'll send you up a receipt +in full," he replied. + +"You mean to say that this hotel is run--" I began. + +"On the Olympian plan," interrupted the valet with a low bow. "All +bills here are of that pleasing variety known as 'Self-paying.'" + +With which comforting assurance Adonis left me, and I started for the +dining-room, my appetite considerably whetted by the idea of a game of +golf over links four thousand miles in length with balls that could be +driven fifty or sixty miles, and cherubs for caddies, at no cost to +myself whatsoever. + + + + +VI + +In the Dining-Room + + +As I emerged from the door of my room into the hall, I found a small +sedan-chair, of highly ornamental make, awaiting my convenience, +carried upon the shoulders of two diminutive boys, who were as black, +and shone as lustrously, as a bit of highly polished ebony. I had +never seen their like before, save in an occasional bit of statuary in +Italy, wherein marbles of differing hue and shade had been ingeniously +used by the sculptor to give color to his work. The boys themselves, +as I have said, were of polished ebony hue, while the breech-cloths +which formed their sole garment were of purest alabaster white. Upon +their heads were turbans of pink. They grinned broadly as I came out, +and opened the door of the chair for me. + +"Dis way fo' de dinin'-room, sah," said one of them, showing a set of +ivory teeth that dazzled my eyes. + +I thanked him and entered the chair. When I was seated, I turned to +the little chap. + +"What particular god do you happen to be, Sambo?" I asked. It was +probably not the most reverent way to put it, but in a community like +Olympus gods are really at a discount, and the black particle was so +like a small pickaninny I used to know in Savannah that I could not +address him as if he were Jupiter himself. + +"Massy me, massa," he returned, his smile nearly cutting the top of +his head off, reaching as it did around to the back of his ears. "I +ain' no gord. I'se jess one o' dese low-down or'nary toters. Me an' +him totes folks roun' de hotel." + +"A very useful function that, Sambo; and where were you born?" I +asked. "North Carolina, or Georgia?" + +"Me?" he replied, looking at me quizzically. "I guess yo's on'y +foolin', massa. Me? Why, I 'ain't never been borned at all, sah--" + +"Jess growed, eh--like Topsy?" I asked. + +"Who dat, Topsy?" he demanded. + +"Oh, she was a little nigger girl that became very famous," I +explained. + +"Doan' know nuffin' 'bout no Topsy," he said, shaking his head. "We +ain' niggers, eider, yo' know, me an' him ain't. We's statulary." + +"What?" I cried. The word seemed new. + +"Statulary," he continued. "We was carved, we was. There ain't nothin' +borned 'bout us. Never knowed who pap was. Man jess took a lot o' +mahble, he did, an' chiselled me an' him out." + +I eyed both boys closely and perceived that in all probability he +spoke the truth. His flesh and dress had all of the texture of marble, +but now the question came up as to the gift of speech and movement and +the marvellous and graceful flexibility of their limbs. + +"You can't fool me, Sambo," said I. "You're nothing but a very +good-looking little nigger. You can't make me believe that you are +another Galatea." + +"Doan' no nuffin' 'bout no gal's tears," he returned instantly. "But I +done tole yo' de truf. Me an' him was chiselled out o' brack marble by +pap. Ef we'd been borned we'd been niggahs sho' nuff, but bein' +carvin's, like I tole yuh, we's statulary." + +"But how does it come that if you are only statuary, you can move +about, and talk, and breathe?" I demanded. + +"Yo'll have to ask mistah Joop'ter 'bout dat," the boy answered. "He +done gave us dese gif's, an' we's a-usin' ob 'em. De way it happened +was like o' dis. Me an' him was a standin' upon a petterstal down in +one o' dem mahble yards what dey calls gall'ries in Paris. We'd been +sent dah by de man what done chiselled us, an' Joop'ter he came 'long +wid Miss' Juno an' when he seed us he said: 'Dare you is, Juno! Dem +boys'll make mighty good buttonses foh de hotel.' Juno she laffed, an' +said dat was so, on'y she couldn't see as we had many buttons. 'Would +you like to have 'em?' Joop'ter ast, and she said 'suttinly.' So he +tu'ned hisself into a 'Merican millionaire an' bought me an' him off +'n de manager, an' he had us sent here. All dat time we was nuffin' +but mahble figgers, but soon's we arrived here, Joop'ter sent us +up-stairs to de lab'ratory, an' fust ting me an' him knowed we was +livin' bein's." + +I admired Jupiter's taste, not failing either to marvel at the +wonderful power which only once before, as far as I knew, he had +exerted to give to a bit of sculpture all the flush and glory of life, +as in the case set forth in the pathetic tale of Pygmalion and +Galatea. + +"And does he do this sort of thing often?" I inquired. + +"Yass indeedy," said Sambo. "He's doin' it all de time. Mos' ob de +help in dis hotel is statulary, an' ef yo' wants to see a reel lively +time 'foh yo' goes back home, go to de Zoo an' see 'em feed de Trojan +Hoss, an' de Cardiff Giant. He brang bofe dem freaks to life, an' now +he can't get rid ob 'em. Dat Trojan Hoss suttinly am a berry debbil. +He stans up gentle as a lamb tell he gets about a hundred an' fifty +people inside o' him, an' den he p'tends like he's gwine to run away, +an' he cyanters, an' cyanters aroun', tell ebberybody's dat seasick +dey can't res'." + +I resolved then and there to see the Trojan Horse, but not to get +inside of him. I never before had suspected that the famous beast had +a sense of humor in his makeup. I was about to make some further +inquiry when a bell above us began to sound forth sonorously. + +"Massy me!" cried little Sambo, springing to his place in front of the +chair. "Dat's de third an' lass call for breakfas'. We done spent too +much time talkin'." + +With which observation, he and his companion, shouldering their +burden, trotted along the richly furnished hall to the dining-room. I +then observed a charming feature of life in the Olympian Hotel, and I +presume it obtains elsewhere in that favored spot. There are no such +things as stairs within its walls. From the magnificent office on the +ground floor to the glorious dining-room on the forty-eighth, the +broad corridor runs round and round and round again with an upward +incline that is barely perceptible--indeed, not perceptible at all +either to the eye or to the muscles of the leg. And while there are +the most speedy elevators connecting all the various floors, one can, +if one chooses, walk from cellar to roof of this marvellous place +without realizing that he is mounting to an unusual elevation. And in +the evening these corridors form a magnificent parade, brilliantly +lighted, upon which are to be met all the wealth, beauty, and fashion +of Olympus--alas! that I have no means of returning there with certain +of my friends with whom I would share the good things that have come +into my life! + +But to return to the story. Sambo and his brother soon "toted" me to +the entrance of the dining-room--graceful little beggars they were, +too. + +"Your breakfast is ready, sir," said the head waiter, bowing low. + +What impelled me to do so I shall never know, but it was an +inspiration. I seemed to recognize the man at once, and, as I had +frequently done on earth to my own advantage, I addressed him by name. + +"Having a good season, Memnon?" I said, slipping a silver dollar into +his hand. + +It worked. Whether I should have found the same excellent service had +I not spoken pleasantly to him I, of course, cannot say, but I have +never been so well cared for elsewhere. The captious reader may ask +how anything so essentially worldly as a silver dollar ever crept into +Olympus. I can only say that one of the magic properties of the +garment I wore was that whatever I put my hand into my pocket for, I +got. As a travelled American, realizing the potency under similar +conditions of that heavy and ugly coin, I instinctively sought for it +in my pocket and it was there. I do not attempt to explain the process +of its getting there. It suffices to say that, as the guest of the +gods, my every wish was met with speedy attainment. I could not help +but marvel, too, at the appropriateness of everything. What better +than that the King of the Ethiopians should be head waiter to the +gods! + +"Things are never dull here, sir," said Memnon, pocketing my dollar +and escorting me to my table. "We do not often have visitors like +yourself, however, and we are very glad to see you." + +I sat down before a magnificent window which seemed to open out upon a +universe hitherto undreamed of. + +"Do you wish the news, sir?" Memnon asked, respectfully. + +"Yes," said I. "Ah--news from home, Memnon," I added. + +"Political or merely family?" said he. + +"Family," said I. + +Memnon busied himself about the window and in a moment, gazing through +it, I had the pleasure of seeing my two boys eating their supper and +challenging each other to mortal combat over a delinquent strawberry +resting upon the tablecloth. + +"Give me a little politics, Memnon," said I, as the elder boy thrashed +the younger, not getting the strawberry, however, which in a quick +moment, between blows, the younger managed to swallow. "They seem to +be about as usual at home." + +And I was immediately made aware of the intentions of the +administration at Washington merely by looking through a window. There +were the President and his cabinet and--some others who assist in +making up the mind of the statesman. + +"Now a dash of crime," said I. + +"High or low?" asked Memnon, fingering the push-button alongside of +the window. + +"The highest you've got," said I. + +I shall not describe what I saw. It was not very horrible. It was +rather discouraging. It dealt wholly with the errors of what is known +as Society. It showed the mistakes of persons for whom I had acquired +a feeling of awe. It showed so much that I summoned Memnon to shut the +glass off. I was really afraid somebody else might see. And I did not +wish to lose my respect for people who were leaders in the highest +walks of social life. Still, a great many things that have happened +since in high life have not been wholly surprising to me. I have +furthermore so ordered my own goings and comings since that time that +I have no fear of what the Peeping Toms of Olympus may see. If mankind +could only be made to understand that this window of Olympus opens out +upon every act of their lives, there might be radical reforms in some +quarters where it would do a deal of good, although to the general +public there seems to be no need for it. + +At this point a waiter put a small wafer about as large as a penny +upon the table. + +"H'm--what's that, Memnon?" I asked. + +"Essence of melon," said he. + +"Good, is it?" I queried. + +"You might taste it and see, sir," he said, with a smile. "It is one +of a lot especially prepared for Jupiter." + +I put the thing in my mouth, and oh, the sensation that followed! I +have eaten melons, and I have dreamed melons, but never in either +experience was there to be found such an ecstasy of taste as I now +got. + +"Another, Memnon--another!" I cried. + +"If you wish, sir," said he. "But very imprudent, sir. That wafer was +constructed from six hundred of the choicest--" + +"Quite right," said I, realizing the situation; "quite right. Six +hundred melons _are_ enough for any man. What do you propose to give +me now?" + +"_Oeufs Midas_," said Memnon. + +"Sounds rather rich," I observed. + +"It would cost you 4,650,000 francs for a half portion at a Paris +café, if you could get it there--which you can't." + +"And what, Memnon," said I, "is the peculiarity of eggs _Midas_?" + +"It's nothing but an omelet, sir," he replied; "but it is made of eggs +laid by the goose of whom you have probably read in the _Personal +Recollections of Jack the Giant-Killer_. They are solid gold." + +"Heavens!" I cried. "Solid gold! Great Scott, Memnon, I can't digest a +solid gold omelet. What do you think I am--an assay office?" + +Memnon grinned until every tooth in his head showed, making his mouth +look like the keyboard of a grand piano. + +"It is perfectly harmless the way it is prepared in the kitchen, sir," +he explained. "It isn't an eighteen-karat omelet, as you seem to +think. The eggs are solid, but the omelet is not. It is, indeed, only +six karats fine. The alloy consists largely of lactopeptine, +hydrochloric acid, and various other efficient digestives which render +it innocuous to the most delicate digestion." + +"Very well, Memnon," I replied, making a wry face, "bring it on. I'll +try a little of it, anyhow." I must confess it did not sound inviting, +but a guest should never criticise the food that is placed before him. +My politeness was well repaid, for nothing more delicate in the way of +an omelet has ever titillated my palate. There was a slight metallic +taste about it at first, but I soon got over that, just as I have got +used to English oysters, which, when I eat them, make me feel for a +moment as if I had bitten off the end of a brass door-knob; and had I +not calculated the cost, I should have asked for a second helping. + +Memnon then brought me a platter containing a small object that +looked like a Hamburg steak, and a most delicious cup of _café au +lait_. + +"Filet Olympus," he observed, "and coffee direct from the dairy of the +gods." + +Both were a joy. + +"Never tasted such a steak!" I said, as the delicate morsel actually +melted like butter in my mouth. + +"No, sir, you never did," Memnon agreed. "It is cut from the steer +bred for the sole purpose of supplying Jupiter and his family with +tenderloin. We take the calf when it is very young, sir, and surround +it with all the luxuries of a bovine existence. It is fed on the most +delicate fodder, especially prepared by chemists under the direction +of Æsculapius. The cattle, instead of toughening their muscles by +walking to pasture, are waited upon by cow-boys in livery. A gentle +amount of exercise, just enough to keep them in condition, is taken +at regular hours every day, and at night they are put to sleep in +feather beds and covered with eiderdown quilts at seven o'clock." + +"Don't they rebel?" I asked. "I should think a moderately active calf +would be hard to manage that way." + +[Illustration: CARING FOR THE CALVES] + +"Oh, at first a little, but after a while they come to like it, and by +the time they are ready for killing they are as tender as humming +birds' tongues," said Memnon. "If you take him young enough, you can +do almost anything you like with a calf." + +It seemed like a marvellous scheme, and far more humane than that of +fattening geese for the sale of their livers. + +"And this coffee, Memnon? You said it was fresh from the dairy of the +gods. You get your coffee from the dairy?" I asked. + +"The breakfast coffee--yes, sir," replied Memnon. "Fresh every +morning. You must ask the steward to let you see the _café-au-lait_ +herd--" + +"The what?" I demanded. + +"The _café-au-lait herd_," repeated Memnon. "A special permit is +required to go through the coffee pasture where these cows are fed. +Some one, who had a grudge against Pales, who is in charge of the +dairymaids, got into the field one night and sowed a lot of chicory in +with the coffee, and the result was that the next season we got the +worst coffee from those cows you ever tasted. So they made a rule that +no one is allowed to go there any more without a card from the +steward." + +"You don't mean to say--" I began. + +"Yes, I do," said Memnon. "It is true. We pasture our cows on a coffee +farm, and, instead of milk, we get this that you are drinking." + +"Wonderful idea!" said I. + +"It is, indeed," said Memnon; "that is, from your point of view. From +ours, it does not seem so strange. We are used to marvels here, sir," +he continued. "Would you care for anything more, sir?" + +"No, Memnon," said I. "I have fared sumptuously--my--ah--my appetite +is somewhat taken away by all these tremendous things." + +"I will have an appetite up for you, if you wish," he replied, simply, +as if it were the easiest thing in the world. + +"No, thank you," said I. "I think I'll wait until I am acclimated. I +never eat heavily for the first twenty-four hours when I am in a +strange place." + +And with this I went to the door, feeling, I must confess, a trifle +ill. The steak and coffee were all right, but there was a suggestion +of pain in my right side. I could not make up my mind if it were the +six hundred melons or whether a nugget from the omelet had got caught +in my vermiform appendix. + +At any rate, I didn't wish to eat again just then. + +At the door the sedan-chair and the two little blackamoors were +awaiting me. + +"We have orders to take you to the Zoo, sah," said Sambo. + +"All right, Sambo," said I. "I'm all ready. A little air will do me +good." + +And we moved along. + +I forgot to mention that, as he closed the chair door upon me, Memnon +handed me back the silver dollar I had given him. + +"What is this, Memnon?" said I. + +"The dollar you wished me to keep for you, sir," he replied. + +"But I intended it for you," said I. + +His face flushed. + +"I am just as much obliged, sir, but, really, I couldn't, you know. +We don't take tips in Olympus, sir." + +"Indeed?" said I. "Well--I'm sorry to have offended you, Memnon. I +meant it all right. Why didn't you tell me when I gave it you?" + +"I should have given you a check for it, sir. I supposed you didn't +wish to carry anything so heavy about with you." + +"Ah!" said I, replacing the dollar in my pocket. "Thank you for your +care of it, Memnon. No offence, I hope?" + +"None at all, sir," he replied, again showing his wonderful ivory +teeth. "I don't take offence at anything so trifling. Had you handed +me a billion dollars, I should have declined to wait on you." + +And he bowed me away in a fashion which made me feel keenly the +narrowness of my escape. + + + + +VII + +Æsculapius, M.D. + + +We had not gone very far along when the pain in my side became +poignant and I called out of the window to Sambo: + +"Sammy, is there a doctor anywhere on the way out to the Zoo?" I +asked. + +"Yassir," he replied, slowing down a trifle. "We gotter go right by de +doh ob Dr. Skilapius." + +"Doctor who?" I asked--the name was new to me. + +"'Tain't _Skill_-apius," growled the boy behind, who seemed rather +jealous that I had taken no notice of him. "It's Eee-skill-apius." + +"Oh," said I, beginning to catch their drift. "Dr. Æsculapius. Is that +what you are trying to say?" + +"Yassir," said both boys. "Dass de man." + +"Well, stop at his office a moment," said I. "I'm feeling a trifle +ill." + +In a few minutes we drew up before a large door to the right of the +corridor before which there hung a shingle marked in large gilt +letters: + ++-----------------------------------+ +| | +| ÆSCULAPIUS, M.D. | +| | +| Office Hours: 10 to 12. | +| | +| Tuesdays. | +| | ++-----------------------------------+ + +I knocked at the door and was promptly admitted. + +"I wish to see the doctor," said I. + +"This is Monday, sir," the maid replied--I couldn't quite place her, +but she seemed rather above her station and was stunningly beautiful. + +"What of that?" I demanded, as fiercely as I could, considering how +pretty the maid was. + +"The doctor can only be seen on Tuesdays," said she. "It's on the +door." + +"But I'm sick," I cried. "Very sick, indeed." + +"No doubt," she replied, with a shrug of her shoulders that I found +very fetching. "Else you would not have come. But you are not so sick +that you can't wait until to-morrow, or if you are, you might as well +die, because the doctor won't take a case he can't think over a week." + +"Nice arrangement, that," said I, scornfully. "It may do very well for +immortals, but for a mortal it's pretty poor business." + +The maid's manner underwent an immediate change. + +[Illustration: "'THEN YOU MUST DIE'"] + +"Excuse me, sir," she said, making me a courtesy. "I did not know you +were a mortal. I presumed you were a minor god. The doctor will see +you at once." + +I was ushered into the consulting-room immediately--in fact, too +quickly. I wanted to thank the pretty maid for taking me for an +immortal. There was no time for this, however, for in a moment +Æsculapius himself appeared. + +"You must pardon Alcestis," he said, after the first greetings were +over. "She is new to the business and doesn't know a god from a hole +in the ground. She presumed you were immortal and did not realize the +emergency." + +"That's all right, doctor," said I, glad to learn who the entrancing +person at the door was. "I've called to see you because--" + +"Pray be silent," the doctor interrupted, holding his hand up in +admonition. "Let me discover your symptoms for myself. It is the surer +method. Physicians in your world are frequently led astray by placing +too much reliance upon what their patients tell them. I have devised a +new system. _Believe nothing the patient says._ See? If a man tells me +he has a headache, I send him to a chiropodist. If his ankle pains +him, I send him to an oculist. If he says his chest is oppressed, I +have him treated for spinal meningitis; and an alleged pain in the +back my assistants cure by placing a mustard plaster on the throat." + +"Then your medical principles are based on what, doctor?" I asked, +somewhat amused. + +"A simple motto which prevails among you mortals: 'All men are +liars'--'Omnes homines mendaces sunt.' It is safer than your accepted +methods below. A sick man is the last man in the universe to describe +his symptoms accurately. The mere fact that he is ill distorts his +judgment. Therefore, I never allow it. If I can't find out for myself +what is the matter with a patient, I give up the case." + +"And the patient dies?" I suggested. + +"Not if he is an immortal," he replied, quietly. "Come over here," he +added, indicating a spot near the window where there was a strong +light. I went, and Æsculapius, taking a pair of eye-glasses from a +cabinet in one corner of his apartment, placed them on the bridge of +his nose. + +"Now look out of the window," said he. "To the left." + +I obeyed at once. What I saw may not be described. I shrank back in +horror, for I saw so much real suffering that my own trouble grew less +in intensity. + +"Now look me straight in the eye," said Æsculapius, an amused smile +playing about his lips. + +I turned my vision straight upon his glasses and was abashed. I +averted my glance. + +"Nonsense," said he, taking me by the shoulders. "Look at my +pupils--straight--don't be afraid--there! That's it. These glasses +won't hurt you, and, after all, I'm not very terrible," he added, +genially. + +It required an effort, but I made it, although, in so doing, I seemed +to be turning my soul inside out for his inspection. + +"H'm," breathed Æsculapius. "Rather serious. You think you have +appendicitis." + +"Have I?" I cried. + +Æsculapius laughed. "_Have_ you?" he asked. "What do you think you +think?" + +"I think I have," said I, my heart growing faint at the very thought +I thought I was thinking. + +"You are at least sure of your convictions," said Æsculapius. "Now, as +a matter of fact, the thoughts your thoughtful nature has induced you +to think are utterly valueless. You have a pain in your side?" + +"Yes," said I. "And a very painful pain in my side--and I am not +putting on any side in my pain either," I added. + +"No doubt," said Æsculapius. "But are you sure it is in your side, or +isn't it your chest that aches a trifle, eh?" + +"Not much," said I, growing doubtful on the subject. + +"Still it aches," said he. + +"Yes," I answered, the pain in my side weakening in favor of one in my +chest. "It does." And it really did, like the deuce. + +"Now about that pain in your chest," said Æsculapius. "Isn't it +rather higher up--in your throat, instead of your chest?" + +My throat began to hurt, and abominably. Every particle of it throbbed +with pain, and my chest was immediately relieved. + +"I think," said I, weakly, "that the pain _is_ rather in my throat +than in my chest." + +"But your side doesn't ache at all?" suggested Æsculapius. + +I had forgotten my side altogether. + +"Not a bit," said I; and it didn't. + +"So far, so good," said the doctor. "Now, my friend, about this throat +trouble of yours. Do you think you have diphtheria, or merely +toothache?" + +I hadn't thought of toothache before, but as soon as the doctor +mentioned it, a pang went through my lower jaw, and my larynx seemed +all right again. + +"Well, doctor," said I, "as a matter of fact, the pain does seem to +be in my wisdom teeth." + +"So-called," said he, quietly. "More tooth than wisdom, generally. And +not in your throat?" continued the doctor. + +[Illustration: I VISIT ÆSCULAPIUS] + +"Not a bit of it," said I. My throat seemed strong enough for a +political campaign in which I was principal speaker. "It's _all_ in my +teeth." + +"Upper or lower?" he asked, with a laugh, and then he gazed fixedly at +me. + +I had not realized that I had upper teeth until he spoke, and a +shudder went through me as a semicircle of pain shot through my upper +jaw. + +"Upper," I retorted, with some surliness. + +"Verging a trifle on your cheekbones, and thence to the optic nerve," +he said, calmly, still gazing into my soul. "I'll try your sight. +Look at that card over there, and tell me--" + +"What nonsense is this, doctor?" I cried, angry at his airy manner and +manifest control over my symptoms. "There is nothing the matter with +my eyes. They're as good as any one of the million eyes of your friend +the Argus." + +"Then what, in the name of Jupiter, is the matter with you?" he +ejaculated, elevating his eyebrows. + +"Nothing at all," said I, sulkily. + +Æsculapius threw himself on the sofa and roared with laughter. + +"Perfectly splendid!" he said, when he had recovered from his mirth. +"Perfectly splendid! You are the best example of the value of my +system I've had in a long time. Now let me show you something," he +added. "Put these glasses on." + +He took the glasses from his nose and put them astride of mine, and +lead me before a mirror--a cheval-glass arrangement that stood in one +corner of the room. + +"Now look yourself straight in the eye," said he. + +I did so, and truly it was as if I looked upon the page of a book +printed in the largest and clearest type. I hesitate to say what I saw +written there, since the glass was strong enough to reach not only the +mind itself, but further into the very depths of my subself-consciousness. +On the surface, man thinks well of himself; this continues in modified +intensity to his self-consciousness, but the fool does not live who, +in his subself-consciousness, the Holy of Holies of Realization, does +not know that he is a fool. + +"Take 'em off," I cried, for they seemed to burn into the very depths +of my soul. + +"That isn't necessary," said Æsculapius, kindly. "Just turn your eyes +away from the glass a moment and they won't bother you. I want to cure +this trouble of yours." + +I stopped looking at myself in the mirror and the tense condition of +my nerves was immediately relieved. + +"Feel better right away, eh?" he asked. + +"Yes," I admitted. + +"So I thought," he said. "You've momentarily given up +self-contemplation. Now lower your gaze. Look at your chest a moment." + +Just what were the properties of the glass I do not know, nor do I +know how one's chest should look, but, as I looked down, I found that +just as I could penetrate to the depths of my mind through my eyes, so +was it possible for me to inspect myself physically. + +"Nothing the matter there, eh?" said Æsculapius. + +"Not that I can see," said I. + +"Nor I," said he. "Now, if you think there is anything the matter with +you anywhere else," he added, "you are welcome to use the glasses as +long as you see fit." + +I took a sneaking glance at my right side and was immediately made +aware of the fact that all was well with me there, and that all my +trouble had come from my ill-advised "wondering" whether that Midas +omelet would bother me or not. + +"These glasses are wonderful," said I. + +"They are a great help," said Æsculapius. + +"And do you always permit your patients to put them on?" I asked. + +"Not always," said he. "Sometimes people really have something the +matter with them. More often, of course, they haven't. It would never +do to let a really sick man see his condition. If they are ill, I can +see at once what is the matter by means of these spectacles, and can, +of course, prescribe. If they are not, there is no surer means of +effecting a cure than putting these on the patient's nose and letting +him see for himself that he is all right." + +"They have all the quality of the X-ray light," I suggested, turning +my gaze upon an iron safe in the corner of the room, which immediately +disclosed its contents. + +"They are X-ray glasses," said Æsculapius. "In a good light you can +see through anything with 'em on. I have lenses of the same kind in my +window, and when you came up I looked at you through the window-pane +and saw at once that there was nothing the matter with you." + +"I wish our earthly doctors had glasses like these," I ventured, +taking them off, for truly I was beginning to fancy a strain. + +"They have--or at least they have something quite as good," said +Æsculapius. "They are all my disciples, and in the best instances they +can see through the average patient without them. They have insight. +You don't believe you deceive your physician, do you?" + +"I have sometimes thought so," said I, not realizing the trap the +doctor was setting. + +"How foolish!" he cried. "Why should you wish to?" + +I was covered with confusion. + +"Never mind," said Æsculapius, smiling pleasantly. "You are only human +and cannot help yourself. It is your imagination leads you astray. +Half the time when you send for your physician there is nothing the +matter with you." + +"He always prescribes," I retorted. + +"That is for your comfort, not his," said Æsculapius, firmly. + +"And sometimes they operate when it isn't necessary," I put in, +persistently. + +"True," said Æsculapius. "Very true. Because if they didn't, the +patient would die of worry." + +"Humph!" said I, incredulous. "I never knew that the operation for +appendicitis was a mind cure." + +"It is--frequently," observed the doctor. "There are more people, my +friend, who have appendicitis on their minds than there are those who +have it in their vermiforms. Don't forget that." + +It was a revelation, and, to tell the truth, it has been a revelation +of comfort ever since. + +"I fancy, doctor," said I, after a pause, "that you are a Christian +Scientist. All troubles are fanciful and indicative of a perverse +soul." + +Æsculapius flushed. + +"If one of the gods had said that," he replied, "I should have +operated upon him. As a mortal, you are privileged to say unpleasant +things, just as a child may say things to his elders with impunity +which merit extreme punishment. Christian Science is all right when +you are truly well--in good physical condition. It is a sure cure for +imaginary troubles, but when you are really sick, it is not of +Olympus, but of Hades." + +Æsculapius spoke with all the passion of a mortal, and I was +embarrassed. "I did not mean to say anything unpleasant, doctor," said +I. + +"That's all right, my lad," said Æsculapius, patting me on the back. +"I knew that. If I hadn't known it, you'd have been on the table by +this time. And now, good-bye. Curb your imagination. Think about +others. Don't worry about yourself without cause, and never send for a +doctor unless you know there's something wrong. If I had my way you +mortals would be deprived of imagination. That is your worst disease, +and if at any time you wish yours amputated, come to me and I'll fix +you out." + +"Thanks, doctor," I replied; "but I don't think I'll accept your +offer, because I need my imagination in my business." + +And then, realizing that I had received my _congé_, I prepared to +depart. + +"How much do I owe you, doctor?" I asked, putting my hand into the +pocket of my gown, confident of finding whatever I should need. + +"Nothing," said he. "The real physician can never be paid. He either +restores your health or he does not. If he restores your health, he +saves your life, and he is entitled to what your life is worth. If he +does not restore your health--he has failed, and is entitled to +nothing. All you have will never pay your doctor for what he does for +you. Therefore, go in peace." + +I stood abashed in the presence of this wise man, and, as I went forth +from his office, I realized the truth of what he had said. In our own +world we place a value upon the service of the man who carries us over +the hard and the dark places. Yet who can really repay him for all +that he does for us when by his skill alone we are rescued from peril? + +I re-entered my sedan-chair and set the blackies off again, with +something potent in my mind--how much I truly owed to the good man who +has taken at times the health of my children, of my wife, of myself, +in his hands and has seen us safely through to port. I have not yet +been able to estimate it, but if ever he reads these lines, he will +know that I pay him in gratitude that which the world with all its +wealth cannot give. + +"Now for the Zoo, boys," I cried. "Æsculapius has fixed me up." + +And we scampered on. + + + + +VIII + +At the Zoo + + +We had not travelled far from the office of Æsculapius when my little +carriers turned from the broad and beautiful corridor into a narrow +passage, through which they proceeded with some difficulty until we +reached the other side of this strangely constructed home of the gods. +As we emerged into the light of day, the view that presented itself +was indescribably beautiful. I have looked from our own hills at home +upon many a scene of grandeur. From the mountain peaks of New +Hampshire, with the sun streaming down upon me, I have looked upon +the valleys beneath through rifts in clouds that had not ventured so +high, and were drenching the glorious green below with refreshing +rains, and have stood awed in the presence of one of the simplest +moods of nature. But the sight that greeted my eyes as I passed along +that exterior road of Olympus, under the genial auspices of those +wonderful gods, appealed to something in my soul which had never +before been awakened, and which I shall never be able adequately to +describe. The mere act of seeing seemed to be uplifting, and, from the +moment I looked downward upon the beloved earth, I ceased to wonder +that gods were godlike--indeed, my real wonder was that they were not +more so. It seemed difficult to believe that there was anything +earthly about earth. The world was idealized even to myself, who had +never held it to be a bad sort of place. There were rich pastures, +green to the most soul-satisfying degree, upon which cattle fed and +lived their lives of content; here and there were the great cities of +earth seen through a haze that softened all their roughness; nothing +sordid appeared; only the fair side of life was visible. + +And I began to see how it came about that these Olympian gods had lost +control over man. If the world, with all its joys and all its +miseries, presents to the controlling power merely its joyous side, +what sympathy can one look for in one's deity? There was Paris and +Notre Dame in the sunlight. But the Morgue at the back of Notre +Dame--in the shadow of its sunlit towers--that was not visible to the +eye of the casual god who drove his blackamoors along that entrancing +roadway. There was London and the inspiring pile of Westminster +showing up its majestic top, lit by the wondrous light of the sun--but +still undiscovered of the gods there rolled on its farther side the +Thames, dark as the Styx, a very grave of ambition, yet the last +solace of many a despairing soul. London Bridge may tell the gods of +much that may not be seen from that glorious driveway along the +exterior of Olympus. + +I found myself growing maudlin, and I pulled myself together. + +"Magnificent view, Sammy," said I. + +"Yassir," he replied, trotting along faithfully. "Dass what dey all +says. _I_ 'ain't nebber seen it. 'Ain't got time to look at it." + +"Well, stop a moment and look," said I. "Isn't it magnificent?" + +The blackies stopped and looked. + +"Putty good," said Sammy, "but I doan' care fo' views," he added. "Dey +makes me dizzy." + +I gave Sammy up from that moment. He was well carved, a work of art, +in fact, but he was essentially modern, and I was living in the +antique. + +"Hustle along to the Zoo," I cried, with some impatience, and I was +truly "hustled." + +"Here we is," said Sammy, settling down on his haunches at the end of +a five-mile trot. "Dis is it." + +We had stopped before a gate not entirely unlike those the Japanese +erect before popular places of amusement they frequent. + +I descended from the chair and was greeted by an attendant who +demanded to know what I wished to see. + +"The animals," said I. + +He laughed. "Well," he said, "I'll show you what I've got, but truly +most of them have gone off on vacation." + +"Is the Trojan Horse here?" I demanded. + +"No," said he. "He's in the repair shop. One of his girders is loose, +and the hinges on his door rusted and broke last week. His interior +needs painting, and his left hind-leg has been wobbly for a long time. +It was really dangerous to keep him longer without repairs." + +I was much disappointed. In visiting the Olympian Zoo I was largely +impelled by a desire to see the Trojan Horse and compare him with the +Coney Island Elephant, which, with the summer hotels of New Jersey and +the Statue of Liberty, at that time dominated the minor natural +glories of the American coast in the eyes of passengers on in-coming +steamships. I think I should even have ventured a ride in his +capacious interior despite what Sammy had said of his friskiness and +the peril of his action to persons susceptible to sea-sickness. + +"Too bad," said I, swallowing my disappointment as best I could. +"Still, you have other attractions. How about the Promethean vulture? +Is he still living?" + +"Unfortunately, no," said the attendant. "He was taken out last year +and killed. Got too proud to live. He put in a complaint about his +food. Said Prometheus was a very interesting man, but as a diet he was +monotonous and demanded a more diversified _menu_. Said he'd like to +try Apollo and a Muse or two, for a little while, and preferred Cupids +on toast for Sunday-night tea." + +"What a vulturian vulture!" said I. + +"Wasn't he?" laughed the attendant. "We replied by wringing his neck, +and served him up in a chicken salad to a party of tourists from +Hades." + +This struck me as reasonable, and I said so. + +"Well, whatever you happen to have on hand will satisfy me," I added. +"Just let me see what animals you have and I'll be content." + +"Very well," replied the attendant. "Step this way." + +He took me along a charming pathway bordered with many a beautiful +tree and adorned with numerous flowers of wondrous fragrance. + +"This path is not without interest," he said; "all the trees and +shrubs have a history. That laurel over there, for instance, used to +be a Daphne. She and Jupiter had a row and he planted her over there. +Makes a very pretty tree, eh?" + +"Extremely," said I. "Have you many similar ventures?" + +"Oh yes. Our botanical gardens are full of them," he replied. "Those +trees to the right are Baucis and Philemon. That lotos plant on the +left used to be Dryope, and when Adonis isn't busy valeting at the +hotel, he comes down here and blooms as an anemone, into which, as you +are probably aware, he was changed by Venus. That pink thing by the +fountain is Hyacinthus, and over there by the pond is where Narcissus +blooms. He's a barber in his off hours." + +I had already learned that, so expressed no surprise. + +"That's a stunning sunflower you have," I ventured, pointing to a +perfect specimen thereof directly ahead of us. + +"Yes," said the attendant. "That's Clytie. She's only potted. We don't +set her out permanently, because the royal family like to have her on +the table at state dinners. And she, poor girl, rather enjoys it. +Apollo is generally to be found at these dinners either as a guest or +playing a zither or a banjo behind a screen. Wherever he is, the +sunflower turns and it affords considerable amusement among Jupiter's +guests to watch it. Jupiter has christened Clytie the Sherlock Holmes +of Olympus, because wherever Apollo is she spots him. Sometimes when +he isn't present, he has to be very careful in his statements about +where he has been, for long habit has made Clytie unerring in her +instinct." + +This seemed to me to be a rather good revenge on Apollo for his very +ungodlike treatment of Clytie, and if half the attendant told me that +day at the Zoo is true, this excessively fickle Olympian is probably +sorry by this time that he treated her originally with such uncalled +for disdain. + +"Come over here and see the bear-pit," said the guide. I obeyed with +alacrity, and, leaning over the rail, had the pleasure of seeing the +most beautiful bruin my eyes had ever rested upon. She was as glossy +as a new silk hat; her eyes were as soft and timid as those of a +frightened deer, and, when she moved, she was the perfection of grace. + + +[Illustration: CALLISTO] + +"Good-morning, Callisto," said my guide. + +"Same to you, my dear Cephalus," the bear returned, in a sweet +feminine voice that entranced me. + +"How are things with you to-day?" asked Cephalus, with a kindly smile. + +"Oh, I can't growl," laughed Callisto--it was evident that the +unfortunate woman was not taking her misfortune too seriously. "Only I +wish you'd tell people who come here that while I undoubtedly am a +bear, I have not yet lost my womanly taste, and I don't want to be fed +all the time on buns. If anybody asks you what you think I'd like, +tell them that an occasional _omelette soufflée_, or an oyster pâté, +or a platter of _petits fours_ would please me greatly." + +"I shall do it, Callisto," said the keeper, as he started to move +away. "Meanwhile, here's a stick of chewing-gum for you." Callisto +received it with a manifestation of delight which moved me greatly, +and I bethought myself of the magic properties of my coat, and +plunging my hand into its capacious pockets, I found there an oyster +pâté that made my mouth water, and an _omelette soufflée_ that looked +as if it had been made by a Parisian milliner, it was so dainty. + +"If madam will permit me," said I, with a bow to Callisto. + +"Thank you kindly," the bear replied, in that same thrillingly sweet +voice, and dancing with joy. "You are a dear, good man, and if you +ever have an enemy, let me know and I'll hug him to death." + +As we again turned to go, Cephalus laughed. "Queer case that!" he +said. "You'd have thought Juno would let up on that poor woman, but +she doesn't for a little bit." + +"Well--a jealous woman, my dear Cephalus--" + +"True," said he. "That's all true enough, but, great Heavens, man, +Juno ought to be used to it by this time with a husband like Jupiter. +She's overstocked this Zoo a dozen times already with her jealous +freaks, and Jupiter hasn't reformed once. What good does it do?" + +"Doesn't she ever let 'em off?" I asked. "Doesn't Callisto ever have a +Sunday out, for instance?" + +"Yes, but always as a bear, and the poor creature doesn't dare take +her chance with the other wild beasts--the real ones. She's just as +afraid of bears as she ever was, and if she sees a plain, every-day +cow coming towards her, she runs shrieking back to her pit again." + +"Poor Callisto," said I. "And Actæon? How about him?" + +"He's here--but he's a holy terror," replied Cephalus, shaking his +head. "He gets loose once in a while, and then everybody has to look +out for himself, and frankly," Cephalus added, his voice sinking to a +whisper, "I don't blame him. Diana treated him horribly." + +"I always thought so," said I. "He really wasn't to blame." + +"Certainly not," observed Cephalus. "If people will go in swimming +out-of-doors, it's their own fault if chance wayfarers stumble upon +them. To turn a man into a stag and then set his own dogs on him for a +thing he couldn't help strikes me as rank injustice." + +"Wonder to me that Jupiter doesn't interfere in this business," said +I. "He could help Callisto out without much trouble." + +"The point about that is that he's afraid," Cephalus explained. "Juno +has threatened to sue him for divorce if he does, and he doesn't dare +brave the scandal." + +We had by this time reached a long, low building that looked like a +stable, and, as we entered, Cephalus observed: + +"This is our fire-proof building where we keep our inflammable beasts. +That big, sleeping creature that looks like a mastodon lizard is the +dragon that your friend St. George, of London, got the best of, and +sent here with his compliments. I'll give the beast a prod and let you +see how he works." + +Cephalus was as good as his word, and for a moment I wished he wasn't. +Such a din as that which followed the dragon's awakening I never heard +before, and every time the horrible beast opened his jaws it was as if +a fire-works factory had exploded. + +"Very dangerous creature that," said Cephalus. "But he is splendid +for fêtes. Shows off beautifully in the dark. I'll prod him again and +just you note the prismatic coloring of his flames. Get up there, +Fido," he added, poking the dragon with his stick a second time. "Wake +up, and give the gentleman an illumination." + +The scene of the moment before was repeated, only with greater +intensity, and even in the sunlight I could see that the various hues +his fiery breathings took on were gorgeous beyond description. A +bonfire built of red, pink, green, and yellow lights, backed up by +driftwood in a fearful state of combustion, about describes it. + +"Superb," said I, nearly overcome by the grandeur of the scene. + +"Well, just imagine it on a dark night!" cried Cephalus, +enthusiastically. "Fido is very popular as a living firework, but he's +a costly luxury." + +I laughed. "Costly?" said I. "I don't see why. Fireworks as grand as +that must cost a deal more than he does." + +"You don't know," said Cephalus, pressing his lips together. "Why, +that dragon eats ten tons of cannel coal a day, and it takes the +combined efforts of six stokers, under the supervision of an expert +engineer, to keep his appetite within bounds. You never saw such an +eater, and as for drinking--well, he's awful. He drinks sixteen +gallons of kerosene at luncheon." + +I eyed Cephalus narrowly, but beyond a wink at the dragon, I saw no +reason to believe that he was deceiving me. + +"Then he sets fire to things, and altogether he's an expensive beast +Aren't you, Fido?" + +"Yep," barked the dragon. + +"Now, over there," continued the guide, patting the dragon on the +head, whereat the fearful beast wagged his tail and breathed a +thousand pounds of steam from his nostrils to express his pleasure. +"Over there are the fire-breathing bulls--all the animals here are +fire-breathing. The bulls give us a lot of trouble. You can't feed 'em +on coal, because their teeth are not strong enough to chew it; and you +can't feed 'em on hay, because they'd set fire to it the minute they +breathed on it; and you can't put 'em out to pasture because they'd +wither up a sixty-acre lot in ten minutes. It's an actual fact that we +have to send for Jason three times a day to come here and feed them. +He's the only person about who can do it, and how he does it no one +knows. He pats them on the neck, and they stop breathing fire. That's +all we know." + +"But they must eat something. What does Jason give them?" I demanded. + +"We've had to invent a food for them," said Cephalus. "Dr. Æsculapius +did it. It's a solution of hay, clover, grass, and paraffine mixed +with asbestos." + +"Paraffine?" I cried. "Why, that's extremely inflammable." + +"So are the bulls," was Cephalus's rejoinder. "They counteract each +other." I gazed at the animals with admiration. They were undoubtedly +magnificent beasts, and they truly breathed fire. Their nostrils +suggested the flames that are emitted from the huge naphtha jets that +are used to light modern circuses in country towns, and as for their +mouths, any one who can imagine a bull with a pair of gas-logs +illuminating his reflective smile, instead of teeth, may gain a +comprehensive idea of the picture that confronted me. + +I had hardly finished looking at these, when Cephalus, impatient to +be through with me, as guides often are with tourists, observed: + +"There is the ph[oe]nix." + +I turned instantly. I have always wished to see the ph[oe]nix. A bird +having apparently the attractive physique of a broiler deliberately +sitting on a bonfire had appealed strongly to my interest as well as +to my appetite. + +"Dear me!" said I. "He's not handsome, is he?" + +He was not; resembling an ordinary buzzard with wings outstretched +sitting upon that kind of emberesque fire that induces a man in a +library to think mournfully about the past, and convinces +him--alas!--that if he had the time he could write immortal poetry. + +"Not very!" Cephalus acquiesced. "Still, he's all right in a Zoo. He's +queer. Look at his nest, if you don't believe it." + +[Illustration: I MEET THE PH[OE]NIX] + +"I never believed otherwise, my dear Cephalus," said I. "He seems to +me to be a unique thing in poultry. If he were a chicken he would be +hailed with delight in my country. A self-broiling broiler--!" + +The idea was too ecstatic for expression. + +"Well, he isn't a chicken, so your rhapsody doesn't go," said +Cephalus. "He's little short of a buzzard. Useful, but not appetizing. +If I were a profane mortal, I should call him a condemned nuisance. +Most birds build their own nests, and a well-built nest lasts them a +whole season. This infernal bird has to have a furnace-man to make his +bed for him night and morning, and if, by some mischance, the fire +goes out, as fires will do in the best-regulated families, he begins +to squawk, and he squawks, and he squawks, and he squawks until the +keeper comes and sets his nest a-blazing again. He has a voice like a +sick fog-horn that drives everybody crazy." + +"Why don't you fool him sometimes?" I suggested. "Make a nest out of a +mustard-plaster and see what he would do." + +"He's too old a bird to be caught that way," said Cephalus. "He's a +confounded old ass, but he's a brainy one." + +At this moment a blare of the most heavenly trumpets sounded, and +Cephalus and I left the building and emerged into the garden to see +what had caused it. There a dazzling spectacle met my gaze. A regiment +of Amazons was drawn up on the green of the parade and a superb gilded +coach, drawn by six milk-white horses, stood before them, while two +gorgeously apparelled heralds sounded a fanfare. Cephalus immediately +became deeply agitated. + +"It is his Majesty's own carriage and guard," he cried. + +"Whose?" said I. + +"Jupiter's," said he. "I fancy they have come for you." + +And it so transpired. One of the heralds advanced to where I was +standing, saluted me as though I were an emperor, and, through his +golden trumpet, informed me that eleven o'clock was approaching; that +his Majesty deigned to grant me the desired audience, and had sent a +carriage and guard of honor. + +I returned the salute, thanked Cephalus for his attentions, and +entered the carriage. A brass band of a hundred and twenty pieces +struck up an inspiring march, and, preceded and followed by the +Amazons, I was conveyed in state to the palatial quarters of Zeus +himself. + +It suggested comic opera with a large number of pretty chorus girls, +but I could not help being impressed in spite of this thought with the +fact that Jupiter knew how to do a thing up in style. I was indeed so +awed with it all that I did not dare wink at a single Amazon while _en +route_, although strongly tempted to do so several times. + + + + +IX + +Some Account of the Palace of Jupiter + + +So dazzled was I by all that went on about me, by the gorgeousness of +my equipage and by the extraordinary richness of the costumes worn by +my escort, that for the moment I forgot that I was not myself clad in +suitable garments for so ultra-royal a function. The streets, the +houses, even the throngs that peopled the way, seemed to be of the +most lustrous gold, and it became necessary for me from time to time +as we progressed to close my eyes and shut out the too brilliant +vision. Fancy a bake-shop built of solid gold nuggets, its large plate +windows composed each of one huge, flashing diamond; imagine an +exquisitely wrought golden drug-store, whose colored jars in the +windows are made of rubies, emeralds, and sapphires; conjure up in +your mind's eye a sequence of city blocks whose sides are lined by +massive and exquisitely proportioned buildings, every inch of whose +façade was fashioned, not by stone-cutters and sculptors, but by +goldsmiths, whose genius a Cellini might envy; picture to yourself a +street paved with golden asphalt, and a sidewalk built from huge slabs +of rolled silver, the curb and gutters being of burnished copper, and +you'll gain some idea of the thoroughfare along which I passed. And +oh, the music that the band gave forth to which the populace timed +their huzzas--I nearly went mad with the seductiveness of it all. If +it hadn't been for the ache the brilliance of it gave to my eyes, I +really think I should have swooned. + +And then we came to the palace grounds. These, I must confess, I found +far from pleasing, for even as the avenue along which I had passed was +all gold and silver and gems, so too was the park, in the heart of +which stood Jupiter's own apartments made of similar stuff. The trees +were golden, and the leaves rustling in the breeze, catching and +reflecting the light of the sun, were blinding. The soft greenness of +the earthly grass was superseded by the glistening yellow of golden +spears, and here and there, where a drop of dew would have fallen, +were diamonds of purest ray. The paths were of silken rugs of richest +texture, and the palace, as it burst upon my vision, fashioned out of +undreamed-of blocks of onyx, resembled more a massive opal filled +with flashing, living, fire, than the mere home of a splendid royalty. + +I was glad when the procession stopped before the gorgeous entrance to +the palace. Another minute of such splendor would have blinded me. A +fanfare of trumpets sounded, and I descended, so dizzy with what I had +seen that, as my feet touched the ground, I staggered like a drunken +man, and then I heard my name sounded and passed from one flunky to +another up the magnificent staircase into the blue haze of the +hallway, and gradually sounding fainter and fainter until it was lost +in the distance of the mysterious corridor. I still staggered as I +mounted the steps, and the Major Domo approached me. + +"I trust you are not ill," he whispered in my ear. + +"No--not ill," I replied. "Only somewhat flabbergasted by all this +magnificence, and my eyes hurt like the very deuce." + +"It is perhaps too much for mortal eyes," he said; and then, turning +to a gilded Ethiopian who stood close at hand, he observed, quietly, +"Rhadamus, run over to the Argus and ask him if he can spare this +gentleman a pair of blue goggles for an hour or two." + +"Better get me a dozen pairs," I put in. "I don't think one pair will +be enough. It may strain my nose to hold them, but I'd rather +sacrifice my nose than my eyes any day." + +But the boy was off, and ere I reached the presence of Jupiter I was +very kindly provided with the very essential article, and I must +confess that I found great relief in them. They were so densely blue +that an ordinary bit of splendor could not have been discerned through +their opaque depths, any more than Thisbe could have been seen by her +doting lover, Pyramus, through the wall that separated them, but +nothing known to man could have shut out the supreme gloriousness of +the interior of Jupiter's palace. Even with the goggles of the Argus +regulated to protect one thousand eyes upon my nose, it made my +dazzled optics blink. + +I do not know what the proportions of the palace were. I regret to say +that I forgot to ask, but I am quite confident that I walked at least +eight miles along that corridor, and never was a mansion designed that +was better equipped in the matter of luxuries. I suspect I shall be +charged with exaggerating, but it is none the less true that within +that spacious building were appliances of every sort known to man. One +door opened upon an in-door golf-links, upon which the royal family +played whenever they lacked the energy or the disposition to seek out +that on Mars. There were high bunkers, the copse of which was covered +with richest silk plush, stuffed, I was told, with spun silk, while, +in place of sand, tons of powdered sugar and grated nutmegs filled the +bunkers themselves. The eighteen holes were laid out so that no two of +them crossed, and, inasmuch as the turf was constructed of rubber +instead of grass and soil, neither a bad lie nor a dead ball was +possible through the vast extent of the fair green. The water hazards, +four in number, were nothing more nor less than huge tanks of +Burgundy, champagne, iced tea, and Scotch--which I subsequently +learned often resulted in a bad caddie service--and an open brook +along whose dashing descent a constant stream of shandygaff went +merrily bubbling onward to an in-door sea upon which Jupiter exercised +his yacht when sailing was the thing to suit his immediate whim. + +This sea was a marvel. Since all the water hazards above described +emptied into it, it was little more than a huge expanse of punch, one +swallow of which, thanks to these ingredients and the sugar and nutmeg +from the bunkers, would make a man forget an eternity of troubles +until he woke up again, if he ever did. Here Jupiter sported every +variety of pleasure craft, and, by an ingenious system of funnels +arranged about its sixty-square-mile area, could at a moment's notice +produce any variety of breeze he chanced to wish; and its submarine +bottom was so designed that if a heavy sea were wanted to make the +yacht pitch and toss, a simple mechanical device would cause it to +hump itself into such corrugations, large or small, as were needed to +bring about the desired conditions. + +"Do they allow bathing in that?" I asked, as the Major Domo explained +the peculiar feature of this in-door sea to me. + +My companion laughed. "Only one person ever tried it with any degree +of success, and it nearly cost him his reputation. Old Bacchus +undertook to swim on a wager from Chambertin Inlet to Glenlivet Bay, +but he had to give up before he got as far as Pommery Point. It took +him a year to get rid of his headache, and it actually required +three-quarters of the Treasury Reserve to provide gold enough to cure +him." + +"It must be a terrible place to fall overboard in," I suggested. + +"It is, if you fall head first," said the Major Domo, "and my +observation is that most people do." + +"I should admire to sail upon it," I said, gazing back through the +door that opened upon Jupiter's yachting parlors, and realizing on a +sudden a powerful sense of thirst. + +"I have no doubt you can do so," said the Major Domo. "Indeed, I +understand that his Majesty contemplates taking you for a sail to the +lost island of Atlantis before you return to earth." + +"What?" I cried. "The lost island of Atlantis here?" + +"Of course," said my guide. "Why not? It was too beautiful for earth, +so Jupiter had it transported to his own private yachting pond, and it +has been here ever since. It is marvellously beautiful." + +Hardly had I recovered from my amazement over the Major Domo's +announcement when he pointed to another open door. + +"The Royal Arena," he said, simply. "That is where we have our +Olympian Games. There was a football game there yesterday. Too bad you +were not there. It was the liveliest game of the season. All Hades +played the Olympian eleven for the championship of the universe. We +licked 'em four hundred to nothing; but of course we had an +exceptional team. When Hercules is in shape there isn't a man-jack in +all Hades that can withstand him. He's rush-line, centre, full-back, +half-back, and flying wedge, all rolled into one. Then the Hades chaps +made the bad mistake of sending a star team. When you have an eleven +made up of Hannibal and Julius Cæsar and Alexander the Great and +Napoleon Bonaparte and the Duke of Wellington and Achilles and other +fellows like that you can't expect any team-play. Each man is thinking +about himself all the time. Hercules could walk right through 'em, +and, when they begin to pose, it's mere child's play for him. The only +chap that put up any game against us at all was Samson, and I tell +you, now that his hair's grown again, he's a demon on the gridiron. +But we divided up our force to meet that difficulty. Hercules put the +rest of our eleven on to Samson, while he took care, personally, of +all the other Hadesians. And you should have seen how he handled them! +It was beautiful, all through. He nearly got himself ruled off in the +second half. He became so excited at one time towards the end that he +mistook Pompey for the ball and kicked him through the goal-posts from +the forty-yard line. Of course, it didn't count, and Hercules +apologized so gracefully to the rest of the visitors that they +withdrew their protest and let him play on." + +"I should think he would have apologized to Pompey," said I. + +[Illustration: "'THE CHAMPIONSHIP OF THE UNIVERSE'"] + +"He will when Pompey recovers consciousness," said my guide, simply. + +So interested was I in the Royal Arena and its recent game that I +forgot all about Jupiter. + +"I never thought of Hercules as a football player before," I said, +"but it is easy to see how he might become the champion of Olympus." + +"Oh, is it!" laughed the Major Domo. "Well, you'd better not tell +Jupiter that. Jupiter'd be pleased, he would. Why, my dear friend, +he'd pack you back to earth quicker than a wink. He brooks only one +champion of anything here, and that's himself. Hercules threw him in a +wrestling-match once, and the next day Jupiter turned him into a +weeping-willow, and didn't let up on him for five hundred years +afterwards." + +By this time we had reached one of the most superbly vaulted chambers +it has ever been my pleasure to look upon. Above me the ceiling +seemed to reach into infinity, and on either side were huge recesses +and alcoves of almost unfathomable depth, lit by great balls of fire +that diffused their light softly and yet brilliantly through all parts +and corners of the apartment. + +"The library," said the Major Domo, pointing to tier upon tier of +teeming shelves, upon which stood a wonderful array of exquisitely +bound volumes to a number past all counting. + +I was speechless with the grandeur of it all. + +"It is sublime," said I. "How many volumes?" + +"Unnumbered, and unnumberable by mortals, but in round, immortal +figures just one jovillion." + +"One jovillion, eh?" said I. "How many is that in mortal figures?" + +"A jovillion is the supreme number," explained the guide. "It is the +infinity of millions, and therefore cannot be expressed in mortal +terms." + +"Then," said I, "you can have no more books." + +"No," said he. "But what of that? We have all there are and all that +are to be. You see, the library is divided into three parts. On the +right-hand side are all the books that ever have been written; here to +the left you see all the books that are being written; and farther +along, beginning where that staircase rises, are all the books that +ever will be written." + +I gasped. If this were true, this wonderful collection must contain my +own complete works, some of which I have doubtless not even thought of +as yet. How easy it would be for me, I thought, to write my future +books if Jupiter would only let me loose here with a competent +stenographer to copy off the pages of manuscript as yet undreamed of! +I suggested this to the Major Domo. + +"He wouldn't let you," he said. "It would throw the whole scheme out +of gear." + +"I don't see why," I ventured. + +"It is simple," rejoined the Major Domo. "If you were permitted to +read the books that some day will be identified with your name, as a +sensible man, observing beforehand how futile and trivial they are to +be, some of them, you wouldn't write them, and so you would be able to +avoid a part, at least, of your destiny. If mortals were able to do +that--well, they'd become immortals, a good many of them." + +I realized the justice of this precaution, and we passed on in +silence. + +"Now," said the Major Domo, after we had traversed the length of the +library, "we are almost there. That gorgeous door directly ahead of +you is the entrance to Jupiter's reception-room. Before we enter, +however, we must step into the office of Midas, on the left." + +"Midas?" I said. "And what, pray, is his function? Is he the +registrar?" + +"No, indeed," laughed the Major Domo. "I presume down where you live +he would be called the Court Tailor. The sartorial requirements of +Jupiter are so regal that none of his guests, invited or otherwise, +could afford, even with the riches of Cr[oe]sus, to purchase the +apparel which he demands. Hence he keeps Midas here to supply, at his +expense, the garments in which his visitors may appear before him. You +didn't think you were going into Jupiter's presence in those golf +duds, did you?" + +"I never thought anything about it," said I. "But how long will it +take Midas to fit me out?" + +"He touches your garments, that's all," said my guide, "and in that +instant they are changed to robes of richest gold. We then place a +necklace of gems about your neck, composed of rubies, emeralds, +amethysts, and sapphires, alternating with pearls, none smaller than a +hen's egg; next we place a jewelled staff of ebony in your hand; a +golden helmet, having at either side the burnished wings of the +imperial eagles of Jove, and bearing upon its crest an opal that +glistens like the sun through the slight haze of a translucent cloud, +will be placed upon your head; richly decorated sandals of cloth of +gold will adorn your feet, and about your waist a girdle of linked +diamonds--beside which the far-famed Orloff diamond of the Russian +treasury is an insignificant bit of glass--will be clasped." + +"And--wha--wha--what becomes of all this when I get back home?" I +gasped, a vision of future ease rising before my tired eyes. + +"You take it with you, if you can," laughed the Major Domo, with a sly +wink at one of the Amazons who accompanied him as a sort of aide. + +It was all as he said. In two minutes I had entered the room of Midas; +in three minutes, my golf-coat having been removed, a flowing gown of +silk, touched by his magic hand and turned to glittering gold, rested +upon my shoulders. It was pretty heavy, but I bore up under it; the +helmet and the necklace, the shoes and the girdle were adjusted; the +staff was placed in my hand, and with beating heart I emerged once +more into the corridor and stood before the door leading into the +audience-chamber. + +"Remove the goggles," whispered the Major Domo. + +"Never!" I cried. "I shall be blinded." + +"Nonsense!" said he, quickly. "Off with them," and he flicked them +from my nose himself. + +A great blare of trumpets sounded, the door was thrown wide, and with +a cry of amazement I stepped backward, awed and afraid; but one glance +was reassuring, for truly a wonderful sight confronted me, and one +that will prove as surprising to him who reads as it was to me upon +that marvellous day. + + + + +X + +An Extraordinary Interview + + +I had expected to witness a scene of grandeur, and my fancy had +conjured up, as the central figure thereof, the majestic form of Jove +himself, clad in imperial splendor. But it was the unexpected that +happened, for, as the door closed behind me, I found myself in a plain +sort of workshop, such as an ordinary man would have in his own house, +at one end of which stood a rolling-top desk, and, instead of the +dazzling throne I had expected to see, there stood in front of it an +ordinary office-chair that twirled on a pivot. Books and papers were +strewn about the floor and upon the tables; the pictures on the walls +were made up largely of colored sporting prints of some rarity, and in +a corner stood a commonplace globe such as is to be found in use in +public schools to teach children geography. As I glanced about me my +first impression was that by some odd mischance I had got into the +wrong room, which idea was fortified by the fact that, instead of an +imperial figure clad in splendid robes, a quiet-looking old gentleman, +who, except for his dress, might have posed for a cartoon of the +accepted American Populist, stood before me. He was dressed in a plain +frock-coat, four-in-hand tie, high collar, dark-gray trousers, and +patent-leather boots, and was brushing up a silk hat as I entered. + +"Excuse me, sir," I said, "but I--I fear I have stumbled into the +wrong room. I--ah--I have had the wholly unexpected honor to be +granted an audience with Jupiter, and I was told that this was the +audience-chamber." + +"Don't apologize. Sit down," he replied, taking me by the hand and +shaking it cordially. "You are all right; I'm glad to see you. How +goes the world with you?" + +"Very well indeed, sir," I replied, rather embarrassed by the old +fellow's cordiality. "But I really can't sit down, because, you know, +I--I don't want to keep his Majesty waiting, and if you'll excuse me, +I'll--" + +"Oh, nonsense!" he retorted. "Let the old man wait. Sit down and talk +to me. I don't get a chance to talk with mortals very often. This is +your first visit to Olympus?" + +"Yes, sir," I said, still standing. "And it is wholly unexpected. I +stumbled upon the place by the merest chance last night--but you +_must_ let me go, sir. I'll come back later very gladly and talk with +you if I get a chance. It will never do for me to keep his Majesty +waiting, you know." + +"Oh, the deuce with his Majesty," said the old gentleman, testily. +"What do you want to see him for? He's an old fossil." + +"Granted," said I. "Still, I'm interested in old fossils." + +The old gentleman roared with laughter at this apparently simple +remark. I didn't see the fun of it myself, and his mirth irritated me. + +"Excuse me, my dear sir," I said, trying to control my impatience. +"But you don't seem to understand my position. I can't stay here and +talk to you while the ruler of Olympus waits. Can't you see that?" + +"No, I can't," he replied. "Can't see it at all, and I'm a pretty good +seer as a general thing, too. If you didn't wish to see me, you had +no business to come into my room. Now that you are here, I'm going to +keep you for a little while. Take off that absurd-looking tile and sit +down." + +At this I grew angry. I wasn't responsible for the helmet I wore, and +I had felt all along that I looked like an ass in it. + +"I'll do nothing of the sort, you confounded old meddler," I cried. +"I've come here on invitation, and, if I've got into the wrong room, +it isn't my fault. That jackass of a Major Domo told me this was the +place. Let me out." + +I strode to the doorway, and the old gentleman turned to his desk and +opened a drawer. + +"Cigar or cigarette?" he said, calmly. + +"Neither, you old fool," I retorted, turning the knob and tugging upon +it. "I have no time for a smoke." + +The door was locked. The old gentleman settled back in his twirling +chair and regarded me with a twinkle in his eye as I vainly tried to +pull the door open, and I realized that I was helpless. + +"Better sit down and enjoy a quiet smoke with me," he said, calmly. +"Take off that absurd-looking tile and talk to me." + +"I haven't anything to say to you," I replied. "Not a word. Do you +intend to let me out of this or not?" + +"All in good time--all in good time," he said. "Let's talk it over. +Why do you wish to go? Don't you find me good company?" + +"You're a stupid old idiot!" I shouted, almost weeping with rage. +"Locking me up in your rotten old den here when you must realize what +you are depriving me of. What earthly good it does you I can't see." + +[Illustration: "THE DOOR WAS LOCKED"] + +"It does me lots of good," he said, with a chuckle. "Really, sir, it +gives me a new sensation--first new sensation I have had in a long, +long time. Let me see now, just how many names have you called me in +the three minutes I have had the pleasure of your acquaintance?" + +"Give me time, and I'll call you a lot more," I retorted, sullenly. + +"Good--I'll give you the time," he said. "Go ahead. I'll listen to you +for a whole hour. What am I besides a meddler, and a stupid old idiot, +and an old fool?" + +"You're a gray-headed maniac, and a--a zinc-fastened Zany. A doddering +dotard and a chimerical chump," I said. + +"Splendid!" roared he, with a spasm of laughter that seemed nearly to +rend him. "Go on. Keep it up. I am enjoying myself hugely." + +"You're a sneak-livered poltroon to treat me this way," I added, +indignantly. + +"That's the best yet," he interrupted, slapping his knee with delight. +"Sneak-livered poltroon, eh? Well, well, well. Go on. Go on." + +"If you'll give me a copy of Roget's _Thesaurus_, I'll tell you what +else you are," I retorted, with a note of sarcasm in my voice. "It +will require a reference to that book to do you justice. I can't begin +to carry all that you are in my mind." + +"With pleasure," said he, and reaching over to his bookcase he took +thence the desired volume and handed it to me. "Proceed," he added. "I +am all ears." + +"Most jackasses are," I returned, savagely. + +"Magnificent," he cried, ecstatically. "You are a genius at epithet. +But there's the book. Let me light a cigar for you and then you can +begin. Only _do_ take off that absurd tile. You don't know how +supremely unbecoming it is." + +There was nothing for it, so I resolved to make the best of it by +meeting the disagreeable old pantaloon on his own ground. I lit one of +his cigars and sat down to tell the curious old freak what I thought +of him. Ordinarily I would have avoided doing this, but his tyrannical +exercise of his temporary advantage made me angry to the very core of +my being. + +"Ready?" said I. + +"Quite," said he. "Don't stint yourself. Just behave as if you'd known +me all your life. I sha'n't mind." + +And I began: "Well, after referring to the word 'idiot' in the index, +just to get a lead," I said, "I shall begin by saying that you are +evidently a hebetudinous imbecile, an indiscriminate stult--" + +"Hold on!" he cried. "What's that last? I never heard the term +before." + +"Stult--an indiscriminate stult," I said, scornfully. "I invented the +word myself. Real words won't describe you. Stult is a new term, +meaning all kinds of a fool, plus two. And I've got a few more if you +want them." + +"Want them?" he cried. "By Vulcan, I dote upon them! They are nectar +to my thirsty ears. Go on." + +"You are a senseless frivoler, a fugacious gid, an infamous +hoddydoddy; you are a man with the hoe with the emptiness of ages in +your face; you are a brother to the ox, with all the dundering +niziness of a plain, ordinary buzzard added to your shallow-brained +asininity. Now will you let me go?" + +"Not I," said he, shaking his head as if he relished a situation which +was gradually making a madman of me. "I'd like to oblige you, but I +really can't. You are giving me too much pleasure. Is there nothing +more you can call me?" + +"You're a dizzard!" I retorted. "And a noodle and a jolt-head; you're +a jobbernowl and a doodle, a maundering mooncalf and a blockheaded +numps, a gaby and a loon; you're a _Hatter_!" I shrieked the last +epithet. + +"Heavens!" he cried, "A Hatter! Am I as bad as that?" + +"Oh, come now," I said, closing the _Thesaurus_ with a bang. "Have +some regard for my position, won't you?" + +I had resolved to appeal to his better nature. "I don't know who the +dickens you are. You may be the three wise men of Gotham who went to +sea in a bowl rolled into one, for all I know. You may be any old +thing. I don't give a tinker's cuss what you are. Under ordinary +circumstances I've no doubt I should find you a very pleasant old +gentleman, but under present conditions you are a blundering old +bore." + +"That's not bad--indeed, a blundering old bore is pretty good. Let me +see," he continued, looking up the word "bore" in the index of the +_Thesaurus_, "What else am I? Maybe I'm an unmitigated nuisance, an +exasperating and egregious glum, a carking care, and a pestiferous +pill, eh?" + +"You are all of that," I said, wearily. "Your meanness surpasseth all +things. I've met a good many tough characters in my day, but you are +the first I have ever encountered without a redeeming feature. You +take advantage of a mistake for which I am not at all responsible, and +what do you do?" + +"Tell me," he replied. "What do I do? I shall be delighted to hear. +I've been asking myself that question for years. What do I do? Go on, +I implore you." + +"You rub it in, that's what," I retorted. "You take advantage of me. +You bait me; you incommode me. You--you--" + +"Here, take the _Thesaurus_," he said, as I hesitated for the word. +"It will help you. I provoke you, I irritate you, I make you mad, I +sour your temper, I sicken, disgust, revolt, nauseate, repel you. I +rankle your soul. I jar you--is that it?" + +"Give me the book," I cried, desperately. "Yes!" I added, referring to +the page. "You tease, irk, harry, badger, infest, persecute. You gall, +sting, and convulse me. You are a plain old beast, that's what you +are. You're a conscienceless sneak and a wherret--you mean-souled blot +on the face of nature!" + +Here I broke down and wept, and the old gentleman's sides shook with +laughter. He was, without exception, the most extraordinary old person +I had ever encountered, and in my tears I cursed the English language +because it was inadequate properly to describe him. + +For a time there was silence. I was exhausted and my tormentor was +given over to his own enjoyment of my discomfiture. Finally, however, +he spoke. + +"I'm a pretty old man, my dear fellow," he said. "I shouldn't like to +tell you how old, because if I did you'd begin on the _Thesaurus_ +again with the word 'liar' for your lead. Nevertheless, I'm pretty +old; but I want to say to you that in all my experience I have never +had so diverting a half-hour as you have given me. You have been so +outspoken, so frank--" + +"Oh, indeed--I've been frank, have I?" I interrupted. "Well, what I +have said isn't a marker to what I'd like to have said and would have +said if language hadn't its limitations. You are the infinity of the +unmitigated, the supreme of the superfluous. In unqualified, +inexcusable, unsurpassable meanness you are the very IT!" + +"Sir," said the old gentleman, rising and bowing, "you are a man of +unusual penetration, and I like you. I should like to see more of you, +but your hour has expired. I thank you for your pleasant words, and I +bid you an affectionate good-morning." + +A deep-toned bell struck the hour of twelve. A fanfare of trumpets +sounded outside, and the huge door flew open, and without a word in +reply, glad of my deliverance, I turned and fled precipitately through +it. The sumptuous guard stood outside to receive me, and as the door +closed behind me the band struck up a swelling measure that I shall +not soon forget. + +"Well," said the Major Domo, as we proceeded back to my quarters, "did +he receive you nicely?" + +"Who?" said I. + +"Jupiter, of course," he said. + +"I didn't see him," I replied, sadly. "I fell in with a beastly old +bore who wouldn't let go of me. You showed me into the wrong room. Who +was that old beggar, anyhow?" + +"Beggar?" he cried. "Wrong room? Beggar?" + +"Certainly," said I. "Beggar is mild, I admit. But he's all that and +much more. Who is he?" + +"I don't know what you mean," replied the Major Domo. "But you have +been for the last hour with his Majesty himself." + +"What?" I cried. "I--that old man--we--" + +"The old gentleman was Jupiter. Didn't he tell you? He made a special +effort to make you feel at home--put himself on a purely mortal +basis--" + +I fell back, limp and nerveless. + +"What will he think of me?" I moaned, as I realized what had +happened. + +[Illustration: "'WHAT?' I CRIED. 'I--THAT OLD MAN--WE'"] + +"He thinks you are the best yet," said the Major Domo. "He has sent +word by his messenger, Mercury, that the honors of Olympus are to be +showered upon you to their fullest extent. He says you are the only +frank mortal he ever met." + +And with this I was escorted back to my rooms at the hotel, impressed +with the idea that all is not lead that doesn't glitter, and when I +thought of my invention of the word "stult," I began to wish I had +never been born. + + + + +XI + +A Royal Outing + + +As may be imagined after my untoward interview with Jupiter, the state +of my mind was far from easy. It is not pleasant to realize that you +have applied every known epithet of contempt to a god who has an +off-hand way of disposing of his enemies by turning them into +apple-trees, or dumb beasts of one kind or another, and upon retiring +to my room I sat down and waited in great dread of what should happen +next. I couldn't really believe that the Major Domo's statement as to +my having been forgiven was possible. It predicated too great a +magnanimity to be credible. + +"I hope to gracious he won't make a pine-tree of me," I groaned, +visions of a future in which woodmen armed with axes, and sawmills, +played a conspicuous part, rising up before me. "I'd hate like time to +be sawed up into planks and turned into a Georgia pine floor +somewhere." + +It was a painful line of thought and I strove to get away from it, but +without success, although the variations were interesting when I +thought of all the things I might be made into, such as kitchen +tables, imitation oak bookcases, or perhaps--horror of horrors--a +bundle of toothpicks! I was growing frantic with fear, when on a +sudden my reveries of dread were interrupted by a knock on the door. + +"It has come at last!" I said, and I opened the door, nerving myself +up to sustain the blow which I believed was impending. Mercury stood +without, flapping the wings that sprouted from his ankles impatiently. + +"The skitomobile is ready, sir," he said. + +I gazed at him earnestly. + +"The what?" + +"The skitomobile, to take you to the links. Jupiter has already gone +on ahead, and he has commanded me to follow, bringing you along with +me." + +"Oh--I'm to go to the links, eh? What's he going to do with me when he +gets me there? Turn me into a golf-ball and drive me off into space?" +I inquired. + +My heart sank at the very idea, but I was immediately reassured by +Mercury's hearty laugh. + +"Of course not--why should he? He's going to play you an +eighteen-hole match. You've made a great impression on the old +gentleman." + +"Thank Heaven!" I said. "I'll hurry along and join him before he +changes his mind." + +In a brief while I was ready, and, escorted by Mercury, I was taken to +the skitomobile which stood at the exit from the hall to the outer +roadway nearest my room. Seated in front of this, and acting as +chauffeur, was a young man whom I recognized at once as Phaeton. +Alongside of him sat Jason, polishing up the most beautiful set of +golf-clubs I ever saw. The irons were of wrought gold, and the shafts +of the most highly polished and exquisite woods. + +"To the links," said Mercury, and with a sudden chug-chug, and a jerk +which nearly threw me out of the conveyance, we were off. And what a +ride it was! At first the sensation was that of falling, and I +clutched nervously at the sides of the skitomobile, but by slow +degrees I got used to it, and enjoyed one of the most exhilarating +hours that has ever entered into my experience. + +Planet after planet was passed as we sped on and on upward, and as my +delight grew I gave utterance to it. + +"Jove! But this is fine!" I said. "I never knew anything like it, +except looping the loop." + +Phaeton grinned broadly and winked at Jason. + +"How would you like to loop the loop out here?" the latter asked. + +"What? In a machine like this?" I cried. + +"Certainly," said Jason. "It's great sport. Give him the twist, +Phaeton." + +I began to grow anxious again, for I recalled the past careless +methods of Phaeton, and I had no wish to go looping the loop through +the empyrean with one of his known adventurous disposition, to be +hurled unceremoniously sooner or later perhaps into the sun itself. + +"Perhaps we'd better leave it until some other day," I ventured, +timidly. + +"No time like the present," Jason retorted. "Only hang on to yourself. +All ready, Phaety!" + +The chauffeur grasped the lever, and, turning it swiftly to one side, +there in the blue vault of heaven, a thousand miles from anywhere, +that machine began executing the most remarkable flip-flaps the mind +of man ever conceived. Not once or twice, but a hundred times did we +go whirling round and round through the skies, until finally I got so +that I could not tell if I were right side up or upside down. It was +great sport, however, and but for the fact that on the third trial I +lost my grip and would have fallen head over heels through space had +not Mercury, who was flying alongside of the machine, swooped down and +caught me by the leg as I fell out, I found it as exhilarating as it +was novel. I could have kept it up forever, had we not shortly hove in +sight of the links, which, as I have already told you, were located on +the planet Mars; and such gorgeousness as I there encountered was +unparalleled on earth. Much that we earth-folk have wondered at became +clear at once. The great canals, as we call them, for instance, turned +out to be vast sand-bunkers that glistened like broad rivers of silver +in the wondrous sheen of the planet, while the dark greenish spots, +concerning which our astronomers have speculated so variously, were +nothing more nor less than putting-greens. It is extraordinary that +until my visit to the planet as the guest of Jupiter, this perfectly +simple solution of the various Martian problems was not even guessed. + +As we drew up at the pretty little club-house, Jupiter emerged from +the door and greeted me cordially. My eyes fell before his smiling +gaze, for I must confess I was mighty shamefaced over my experience of +the morning, but his manner restored my self-possession. It was very +genial and forgiving. + +"Glad to see you again," he said. "If you play golf as well as you do +synonyms you're a scratch man. You didn't foozle a syllable." + +"I should have, had I known as much as I do now," said I. + +"Well, I'm glad you didn't know," Jupiter returned majestically, "for +I can use that word stult in my business. Now suppose we have a bit of +luncheon and then start out." + +After eating sparingly we began our game. I was provided with a caddie +that looked like one of Raphael's angels, and Jupiter himself handed +me a driver from his own bag. + +"You'll have to be careful how you use it," he said; "it has +properties which may astonish you." + +I teed up my ball, swung back, and then with all the vigor at my +command whacked the ball square and true. It sprang from the tee like +a bird let loose and flew beyond my vision, and while I was trying +with my eye to keep up with it in its flight, I received a stinging +blow on the back of my head which felled me to the ground. + +"Thunderation!" I roared. "What was that?" + +Jupiter laughed. "It was your own ball," he said. "You put too much +muscle into that stroke, and, as a consequence, the ball flew all the +way round the planet and clipped you from behind." + +"You don't mean to say--" I began. + +"Yes, I do," said Jupiter. "That is a special long-distance driver +made for me. Only had it two days. It is not easy to use, because it +has such wonderful force. Hercules drove a ball three times around the +planet at one stroke with it yesterday. To use it properly requires +judgment. Up here you have to play golf with your head, as well as +with your clubs." + +"Well, I played it with mine all right," I put in, rubbing the lump on +the back of my head ruefully. "Shall I play two?" + +"Certainly," said Jupiter. "You've a good brassey lie behind the tee +there. Play gently now, for this hole isn't more than three hundred +miles long." + +My brassey stroke is one of my best, and I did myself proud. The ball +flew about one hundred and seventy-nine miles in a straight line, but +landed in a sand-bunker. Jupiter followed with a good clean drive for +two hundred miles, breaking all the records previously stated to me by +Adonis, whereupon we entered the skitomobile and were promptly +transported to the edge of the bunker, where my ball reposed upon the +glistening sand. It took three to get out, owing to the height of the +cop, which rose a trifle higher in the air than Mount Blanc, but the +niblick Jason had brought along for my use, as soon as I got used to +the titanic quality of the game I was playing, was finally equal to +the loft. My ball landed just short of the green, one hundred and +sixteen miles away. Jupiter foozled his approach, and we both reached +the edge of the green in four. + +"Bully distance for a putt," said Jupiter, taking the line from his +ball to the hole. + +"About how far is it?" I asked, for I couldn't see anything +resembling a hole within a mile of me. + +"Oh, five miles, I imagine," was the answer. "Put on these glasses and +you'll see the disk." + +My courteous host handed me a pair of spectacles which I put upon my +nose, and there, seemingly two inches away, but in reality five and a +quarter miles, was the hole. The glasses were a revelation, but I had +seen too much that was wonderful to express surprise. + +"Dead easy," I said, referring to the putt, now that I had the glasses +on. + +"Looks so," said Jupiter, "but be careful. You can't hope to putt +until you know your ball." + +At the moment I did not understand, but a minute after I had a shock. +Putting perfectly straight, the ball rolled easily along and then made +a slight hitch backward, as if I had put a cut on it, and struck off +ahead, straight as an arrow but to the left of the disk. This it +continued to do in its course, zigzagging more and more out of the +straight line until it finally stopped, quite two and a half miles +from the cup. + +"Now watch me," said Jupiter. "You'll get an idea of how the ball +works." + +I obeyed, and was surprised to see him aim at a point at least a mile +aside of the mark, but the results were perfect, for the gutty, acting +precisely as mine did, zigzagged along until it reached the rim of the +cup and then dropped gently in. + +"One up," said Jupiter, with a broad smile as he watched my +ill-repressed wonderment. + +As we were transported to the next tee by Phaeton and his machine, I +looked at my ball, and the peculiarity of its make became clear at +once. It was called "The Vulcan," and in action had precisely the +same movement as that of a thunder-bolt--thus: + +[Illustration] + +"Great ball, eh?" said Jupiter. "Adds a lot to the science of the +game. A straight putt is easy, but the zigzag is no child's play." + +"I think I shall like it," I said, "if I ever get used to it." + +The second hole reached, I was astonished to see a huge apparatus like +a cannon on the tee, and in fact that is what it turned out to be. + +"We call this the Cannon Hole," said Jupiter. "It lends variety to the +game. It's a splendid test of your accuracy, and if you don't make it +in one you lose it. If you will put on those glasses you will see the +hole, which is in the middle of a target. You've got to go through it +at one stroke." + +"That isn't golf, is it?" I asked. "It's marksmanship." + +"I call it so," said Jupiter, calmly. "And what I say goes. Moreover, +it requires much skill to offset the effect of the wind." + +"But there is none," said I. + +"There will be," said Jupiter, putting his ball in the cannon's breach +and making ready to drive. "You see those huge steel affairs on either +side of the course, that look like the ventilators on an ocean +steamer?" + +"Yes," said I, for as I looked I perceived that this part of the +course was studded with them. + +"Well, they supply the wind," said Jupiter. "I just ring a bell and +Æolus sets his bellows going, and I tell you the winds you get are +cyclonic, and, best of all, they blow in all directions. From the +first ventilator the wind is northeast by south; from the second it +is southwest by north-northeast; from the third it is straight north, +and so on. Winds are blowing at the moment of play from all possible +points of the compass. Fore!" + +A bell rang, and never in a wide experience in noises had I ever +before heard such a fearful din as followed. A hurricane sprang from +one point, a gale from another, a cyclone from a third--such an æolian +purgatory was never let loose in my sight before, but Jupiter, gauging +each and all, fired his ball from the cannon, and it sped on, buffeted +here and there, now up, now down, like a bit of fluff in the chance +zephyrs of the spring-tide, but ultimately passing through the hole in +the target, and landing gently in a basket immediately behind the +bull's-eye. The winds immediately died down, and all was quiet again. + +"Perfectly great!" I said, with enthusiasm, for it did seem +marvellous. "But I don't think I can do it. You win, of course." + +"Not at all," said Jupiter. "If you hit the bull's-eye, as I did, you +win." + +"And you lose in spite of that splendid--er--stroke?" I asked. + +"Oh no--not at all," said Jupiter. "We both win." + +Again the bell rang, and the winds blew, and the cannon shot, but my +ball, under the excitement of the moment of aiming, was directed not +towards the bull's-eye--or the hole--but at the skitomobile. It hit it +fairly and hard, and it smashed the engine by which the machine was +propelled, much to the consternation of Jason and Phaeton. + +"Unfortunate," said Jupiter. "Very. But never mind. We don't have to +walk home." + +"I'm awfully sorry," said I. "I--er--" + +"Never mind," said Jupiter. "It is easily repaired, but we cannot go +on with the game. The next hole is eight thousand miles long. Twice +around the planet, and we couldn't possibly walk it, so we'll have to +quit. We've got all we can manage trudging back to the club-house. +Here, caddies, take our clubs back to the club-house, and tell 'em to +have two nectar high-balls ready at six-thirty. Phaeton, you and Jason +will have to get back the best way you can. I've told you a half-dozen +times to bring two machines with you, but you never seem to +understand. Come along, Higgins, we'll go back. Shut your eyes." + +I closed my optics, as ordered, although my name is not Higgins, and I +didn't like to have even Jupiter so dub me. + +"Now open them again," was the sharp order. + +I did so, and lo and behold! by some supernatural power we had been +transported back to the club-house. + +"I am sorry, Jupiter," said I "to have spoiled your game," as we sat, +later, sipping that delicious concoction, the nectar high-ball, which +we supplemented with a "Pegasus's neck." + +"Nonsense," said he, grandly. "You haven't spoiled my _game_. You have +merely, without meaning to do so, spoiled your own afternoon. My game +is all right and will remain so. It would have been a great pleasure +to me to show you the other sixteen holes, but circumstances were +against us. Take your nectar and let us trot along. You dine with Juno +and myself to-night. Let's see, I was two up, wasn't I?" + +"Two up, and sixteen to play." + +"Then I win," said he. It was an extraordinary score, but then it was +an extraordinary occasion. + +And we entered his chariot, and were whirled back to Olympus. The ride +home was not as exciting as the ride out, but it was interesting. It +lasted about a half of a millionth of a second, and for the first time +in my life I knew how a telegram feels when it travels from New York +to San Francisco, and gets there apparently three hours before it is +sent by the clock. + + + + +XII + +I am Dismissed + + +It was a very interesting programme for my further entertainment that +Jupiter mapped out on our way back from the links, and I deeply regret +that an untoward incident that followed later, for which I was +unintentionally responsible, prevented its being carried out. I was to +have been taken off on a cruise on the inland sea, to where the lost +island of Atlantis was to be found; a special tournament at ping-pong +was to be held in my honor, in which minor planets were to be used +instead of balls, and the players were to be drawn from among the +Titans, who were retained to perform feats of valor, skill, and +strength for Jupiter. The forge of Vulcan was to be visited, and many +of the mysteries of the centre of the earth were to be revealed, and, +best of all, Jupiter himself had promised to give me an exhibition of +his own skill as a marksman in the hurling of thunder-bolts, and _I +was to select the objects to be hit!_ Think of it! What a chance lay +here for a man to be rid of certain things on earth that he did not +like! What a vast amount of ugly American architecture one could be +rid of in the twinkling of an eye! What a lot of enemies and eyesores +it was now in my power to have removed by an electrical process +availed of in the guise of sport! I spent an hour on that list of +targets, and if only I had been allowed to prolong my stay in the home +of the gods, the world itself would have benefited, for I was not +altogether personal in my selection of things for Jupiter to aim at. +There was Tammany Hall, for instance, and the Boxers of China--these +led my list. There were four or five sunlight-destroying, sky-scraping +office buildings in New York and elsewhere; nuisances of every kind +that I could think of were put down--the headquarters of the Beef +Trust and a few of its sponsors; the editorial offices of the peevish +and bilious newspapers, which deny principles and right motives to all +save themselves; a regiment of alleged humorists who make jokes about +the mother-in-law and other sacred relations of life; an opera-box +full of the people who hum every number of Wagner and Verdi through, +and keep other people from hearing the singers; row after row of +theatre-goers who come in late and trample over the virtuous folk who +have arrived punctually; any number of theatrical managers who mistake +gloom for amusement; three or four smirking matinée idols, whose +talents are measured by the fit of their clothes, the length of their +hair, and their ability to spit supernumeraries with a tin sword; +cab-drivers who had overcharged me; insolent railway officials; the +New York Central Tunnel--indeed, the completed list stretches on to +such proportions that it would require more pages than this book +contains to present them in detail. I even thought of including +Hippopopolis in the list, but when I realized that it was entirely +owing to his villany that I had enjoyed the delightful privilege of +visiting the gods in their own abode, I spared him. And to think that +because of an unintentional error this great opportunity to rid the +world, and incidentally myself, of much that is vexatious was wholly +lost is a matter of sincere grief to myself. + +It happened in this way: Hardly had I returned to my delightful +apartment at the hotel, when a messenger arrived bearing a superbly +engraved command from Jupiter to dine with himself and Juno _en +famille_. It was a kind, courteous, and friendly note, utterly devoid +of formality, and we were to spend the evening at cards. Jupiter had +indicated in the afternoon that he would like to learn bridge, and, +inasmuch as I never travel anywhere without a text-book upon that +fascinating subject, I had volunteered to teach him. The dinner was +given largely to enable me to do this, and, moreover, Jupiter was +quite anxious to have me meet his family, and promised me that before +the evening was over I should hear some music from the lyre of Apollo, +meet all the muses, and enjoy a chafing-dish snack prepared by the +fair hand of Juno herself. + +"I'll have Polyphemus up to give us a few coon songs if you like +them," he added, "and altogether I can promise you a delightful +evening. We drop all our state at these affairs, and I know you'll +enjoy yourself." + +"I shall feel a trifle embarrassed in the presence of so many gods and +goddesses, I am afraid," I put in. + +"I'll fix you out as to that," Jupiter replied. "I'll change you for +the time being into a god yourself, if you wish." + +I laughed at the idea. + +"A high old god I'd make," said I. + +"You'd pass," he observed, quietly. "I'll call you Pencillius, god of +Chirography--or would you rather come as Nonsensius, the newly +discovered deity of Jocosity?" + +"I think I'd rather be Zero, god of Nit," said I, and it was so +ordained. + +Of course, I accepted the invitation and was on hand at the palace, +as I thought, promptly. As a matter of fact, my watch having in some +mysterious fashion been affected by the excitement of the adventure, +got galloping away just as my own heart had done more than once. The +result was that, instead of arriving at the palace at eight o'clock, +as I was expected to do, I got there at seven. Of course, my exalted +hosts were not ready to receive me, and there were no other guests to +bear me company and keep me out of mischief in the drawing-room, where +for an hour I was compelled to wait. At first all went well. I found +much entertainment in the room, and on the centre-table, a beautiful +bit of furniture, carved out of one huge amethyst, I discovered a +number of books and magazines, which kept me tolerably busy for a +half-hour. There was a finely bound copy of _Don'ts for the Gods, or +Celestial Etiquette_, in which I found many valuable hints on the +procedure of Olympian society--notably one injunction as to the use of +finger-bowls, from which I learned that the gods in their lavishness +have a bowl for each finger; and a little volume by Bacchus on +_Intemperance_, which I wish I might publish for the benefit of my +fellow-mortals. All I remember about it at the moment of writing is +that the author seriously enjoins upon his readers the wickedness of +drinking more than sixty cocktails a day, and utterly deprecates the +habit of certain Englishmen of drinking seven bottles of port at a +sitting. Bacchus seemed to think that, with the other wines incidental +to a dinner, no one, not even an Englishman, should attempt to absorb +more than five bottles of port over his coffee. It struck me as being +rather good advice. + +Wearying of the reading at the end of a half-hour, I began a closer +inspection of the room and its contents. It was full of novelties, +and, naturally, gorgeous past all description; but what most excited +my curiosity was a small cabinet, not unlike a stereoscope in shape, +which stood in one corner of the room. It had a button at one side, +over which was a gilt tablet marked "Push." On its front was the +legend, "Drop a Nickel in the Slot, Push the Button, and See the +Future." I followed the instructions eagerly. The nickel was dropped, +the button pushed, and, putting my eyes before the lenses, I gazed +into the remotest days to come. I had come across the Futuroscope, +otherwise a kinetoscope with the gift of prophecy. The coming year +passed rapidly, and I saw what fate had in store for the world for the +twelve months immediately ahead of me; then followed a decade, then a +century, and then others, until, just as I was approaching the dread +cataclysm which is to mark the end of all mortal things, I heard a +quick, startled voice back of me. + +It was that of Jupiter, and his tone was a strange mixture of wrath +and regret. + +"What on earth have you done?" he cried. + +"Nothing, your Majesty," said I, shaking all over as with the ague at +the revelations I had just witnessed, "except getting a bird's-eye +view of what is to come." + +"I am sorry," said he, gravely. "It is not well that mortals should +know the future, and your imprudent act is destructive of all the +plans I have had for you. You must leave us instantly, for that +instrument is for the gods alone. Moreover, the knowledge of that +which you have seen--" + +Here his voice positively thundered, and the frown that came upon his +brow filled me with awe and terror. + +"All knowledge of what you have seen must be removed from your brain," +he added, grimly. + +I was speechless with fear as the ruler of Olympus touched an electric +button at the side of the room, and the two huge slaves, Gog and +Magog, appeared. + +"Seize him!" Jupiter commanded, sternly. + +In an instant I was bound hand and foot. + +"To the office of Dr. Æsculapius!" he commanded, and I was +unceremoniously removed to the room wherein I had had my interview +with the great doctor, where I was immediately etherized and my brain +operated upon. Precisely what was done to me I shall probably never +know, but what I do know is that from that time to this all that I +saw in that marvellous Futuroscope is a blank, although on all other +subjects pertaining to my visit to the gods my recollection is +perfectly clear. It suffices to say that I lay for a long time in a +stupor, and when finally I came to my senses again I found myself +comfortably ensconced in my own bed, in my own home; not in Greece, +but in America; suffering from a dull headache from which I did not +escape for at least three hours. Again and again and again have I +tried to recall that wonderful picture of a marvellous future seen by +my mortal eyes that night upon Olympus, that I might set it upon paper +for others to read, but with each effort the dreadful pain in the top +of my head returns and I find myself compelled to abandon the project. + +So was my brief visit to Olympus begun and ended. In its results it +has perhaps been neither elevating nor remarkably instructive, but it +has given me a better understanding of, and a better liking for, that +great company of mythological beings who used to preside over the +destinies of the Greeks. They appeared more human than godlike to my +eyes. They were companionable to a degree, and for a time, at least, +would prove congenial associates for a summer outing, but as a steady +diet--well, I am not at all surprised that, as men waxed more mature +in years and in experience, these titanic members of the Olympian four +hundred lost their power and became no greater factor in the life of +the large society of mankind than any other group of people, equal in +number and of seeming importance, whose days and nights are given over +solely to pleasure and the morbid pursuit of notoriety. + +THE END + + +Transcriber's Note: The author refers to a type of golf club +as a "brassey" and also as a "brassie". Both spellings have +been maintained in this document. + + + + + + +End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Olympian Nights, by John Kendrick Bangs + +*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK OLYMPIAN NIGHTS *** + +***** This file should be named 17964-8.txt or 17964-8.zip ***** +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: + http://www.gutenberg.org/1/7/9/6/17964/ + +Produced by Paul Good, Suzanne Shell and the Online +Distributed Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net + + +Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions +will be renamed. + +Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no +one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation +(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without +permission and without paying copyright royalties. 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