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diff --git a/.gitattributes b/.gitattributes new file mode 100644 index 0000000..6833f05 --- /dev/null +++ b/.gitattributes @@ -0,0 +1,3 @@ +* text=auto +*.txt text +*.md text diff --git a/17898-8.txt b/17898-8.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..cf09cb4 --- /dev/null +++ b/17898-8.txt @@ -0,0 +1,2481 @@ +The Project Gutenberg EBook of Lyra Frivola, by A. D. Godley + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: Lyra Frivola + +Author: A. D. Godley + +Release Date: March 2, 2006 [EBook #17898] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1 + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK LYRA FRIVOLA *** + + + + +Produced by Al Haines + + + + + + + + + + +LYRA FRIVOLA + + +BY + +A. D. GODLEY + + + + + +AUTHOR OF "VERSES TO ORDER." + + + + + +METHUEN & CO. + +36 ESSEX STREET, W.C. + +LONDON + +1900 + + + +_Second Edition_ + + + + +Most of the pieces in this book have appeared in the _St James's +Gazette_, the _Oxford Magazine_, or the _National Observer_. I have to +thank the Proprietors of these papers for permission to republish. + +A. D. G. + + + + + CONTENTS + + + AFTER HORACE + THE JOURNALIST ABROAD + VERNAL VERSES + PENSÉES DE NOEL + AD LECTIONEM SUAM + RUBÁIYYÁT OF MODERATIONS + LINES TO AN OLD FRIEND + THE PARADISE OF LECTURERS + A DIALOGUE ON ETHICS + PEDAGOGY + SONG FOR THE NAVY LEAGUE + A DREAM + THE SCHOOL of AGRICULTURE + THE LAST STRAW + THE 1713 AGAINST NEWNHAM + QUADRIVIAD, ll. 1-51 + MUSICAL DEGREES + QUIETA MOVERE + GRAECULUS ESURIENS + THE ROAD TO RENOWN + L'AFFAIRE (CHAPTER ONE) + UNSELFISH DEVOTION + THE ARREST + "THE PLAN OF CAMPAIGN" + THE PATRIOT'S "POME" + MR MORLEY'S APOLOGY + HONESTY REWARDED + THE END OF IT + A NEW DEPARTURE + MULLIGAN ON THE AUSTRIAN PARLIAMENT + BROKEN VOWS + THE TRUE REMEDY + UNITED IRELAND + JUSTICE FOR PRIVATE MULVANEY + + + + + AFTER HORACE + + What asks the Bard? He prays for nought + But what the truly virtuous crave: + That is, the things he plainly ought + To have. + + 'Tis not for wealth, with all the shocks + That vex distracted millionaires, + Plagued by their fluctuating stocks + And shares: + + While plutocrats their millions new + Expend upon each costly whim, + A great deal less than theirs will do + For him; + + The simple incomes of the poor + His meek poetic soul content: + Say, L30,000 at four + Per cent.! + + His taste in residence is plain: + No palaces his heart rejoice: + A cottage in a lane (Park Lane + For choice)-- + + Here be his days in quiet spent: + Here let him meditate the Muse: + Baronial Halls were only meant + For Jews, + + And lands that stretch with endless span + From east to west, from south to north, + Are often much more trouble than + They're worth! + + Let epicures who eat too much + Become uncomfortably stout: + Let gourmets feel th' approaching touch + Of gout,-- + + The Bard subsists on simpler food: + A dinner, not severely plain, + A pint or so of really good + Champagne-- + + Grant him but these, no care he'll take + Though Laureates bask in Fortune's smile, + Though Kiplings and Corellis make + Their pile: + + Contented with a scantier dole + His humble Muse serenely jogs, + Remote from scenes where authors roll + Their logs: + + Far from the madding crowd she lurks, + And really cares no single jot + Whether the public read her works + Or not! + + + + + THE JOURNALIST ABROAD + + When Parson, Doctor, Don,-- + In short, when all the nation + Goes gaily off upon + Its annual vacation, + Their cares professional + No more avail to bind them: + They go at Pleasure's call + And leave their trades behind them. + + Like them, departs afar + From England's fogs and vapours + The literary star, + The writer for the papers: + But not, like them, at home + Leaves he his calling's fetters: + Nought can release him from + The tyranny of Letters! + + When classic scenes amid + For rest and peace he hankers, + _Amari aliquid_ + His joys aesthetic cankers: + Whate'er he sees, he knows + He has to write upon it + A paragraph of prose + Or possibly a sonnet: + + By mountain lakelets blue, + 'Mid wild romantic heath, he's + A martyr always to + _Scribendi cacoethes_: + The Naiad-haunted stream + Or lonely mountain-top he + Considers as a theme + Available for "copy." + + If on the sunlit main + With ardour rapt he gazes, + He's torturing his brain + For neat pictorial phrases: + When in a ship or boat + He navigates the briny + (And here 'tis his to quote + Examples set by Heine) + + While fellow-passengers + Lie stretched in mere prostration, + He duly registers + Each horrible sensation-- + He notes his qualms with care, + And bids the public know 'em + In "Thoughts on Mal de Mer," + Or "Nausea: a Poem." + + * * * * + + Such is his earthly lot: + Nor is it wholly certain + If Death for him or not + Rings down the final curtain, + Or if, when hence he's fled + To worlds or worse or better, + He'll send per Mr St--d + A crisp descriptive letter! + + + + + VERNAL VERSES + + When early worms began to crawl, and early birds to sing, + And frost, and mud, and snow, and rain proclaimed the jocund spring, + Its all-pervading influence the Poet's soul obeyed-- + He made a song to greet the Spring, and this is what he made:-- + + They sadly lacked enlightenment, our ancestors of old, + Who used to suffer simply from an ordinary cold: + But we, of Science' mysteries less ignorant by far, + Have nothing less distinguished than a Bronchial Catarrh! + + O when your head's a lump of lead and nought can do but sneeze: + Whene'er in turn you freeze and burn, and then you burn and freeze:-- + It does not mean you're going to die, although you think you are-- + These are the primal symptoms of a Bronchial Catarrh. + + And when you've taken drugs and pills, and stayed indoors a week, + Yet still your chest with pain opprest will hardly let you speak: + Amid your darksome miseries be this your guiding star-- + 'Tis simply the remainder of a Bronchial Catarrh. + + In various ways do various men invite misfortune's rods,-- + Some row within their College boat,--some Logic read for Mods.: + But oh! of all the human ills our happiness that mar + I do not know the equal of a Bronchial Catarrh! + + + + + PENSÉES DE NOEL + + When the landlord wants the rent + Of your humble tenement, + When the Christmas bills begin + Daily, hourly pouring in, + When you pay your gas and poor rate, + Tip the rector, fee the curate, + Let this thought your spirit cheer-- + Christmas comes but once a year. + + When the man who brings the coal + Claims his customary dole: + When the postman rings and knocks + For his usual Christmas-box: + When you're dunned by half the town + With demands for half-a-crown,-- + Think, although they cost you dear, + Christmas comes but once a year. + + When you roam from shop to shop, + Seeking, till you nearly drop, + Christmas cards and small donations + For the maw of your relations, + Questing vainly 'mid the heap + For a thing that's nice, and cheap: + Think, and check the rising tear, + Christmas comes but once a year. + + Though for three successive days + Business quits her usual ways, + Though the milkman's voice be dumb, + Though the paper doesn't come; + Though you want tobacco, but + Find that all the shops are shut: + Bravely still your sorrows bear-- + Christmas comes but once a year. + + When mince-pies you can't digest + Join with waits to break your rest: + When, oh when, to crown your woe, + Persons who might better know + Think it needful that you should + Don a gay convivial mood;-- + Bear with fortitude and patience + These afflicting dispensations: + Man was born to suffer here: + Christmas comes but once a year. + + + + + AD LECTIONEM SUAM + + When Autumn's winds denude the grove, + I seek my Lecture, where it lurks + 'Mid the unpublished portion of + My works, + + And ponder, while its sheets I scan, + How many years away have slipt + Since first I penned that ancient man- + uscript. + + I know thee well--nor can mistake + The old accustomed pencil stroke + Denoting where I mostly make + A joke,-- + + Or where coy brackets signify + Those echoes faint of classic wit + Which, if a lady's present, I + Omit. + + Though Truth enlarge her widening range, + And Knowledge be with time increased, + While thou, my Lecture! dost not change + The least, + + But fixed immutable amidst + The advent of a newer lore, + Maintainest calmly what thou didst + Before: + + Though still malignity avows + That unsuccessful candidates + To thee ascribe their frequent ploughs + In Greats-- + + Once more for intellectual food + Thou'lt serve: an added phrase or two + Will make thee really just as good + As new: + + And listening crowds, that throng the spot, + Will still as usual complain + That "Here's the old familiar rot + Again!" + + + + + RUBÁIYYÁT OF MODERATIONS + + I + + Wake! for the Nightingale upon the Bough + Has sung of Moderations: ay, and now + Pales in the Firmament above the Schools + The Constellation of the boding Plough. + + II + + I too in distant Ages long ago + To him that ploughed me gave a Quid or so: + It was a Fraud: it was not good enough; + Ne'er for my Quid had I my Quid pro Quo. + + III + + Yet--for the Man who pays his painful Pence + Some Laws may frame from dark Experience: + Still from the Wells of harsh Adversity + May Wisdom draw the Pail of Common Sense-- + + IV + + Take these few Rules, which--carefully rehearsed-- + Will land the User safely in a First, + Second, or Third, or Gulf: and after all + There's nothing lower than a Plough at worst. + + V + + Plain is the Trick of doing Latin Prose, + An Esse Videantur at the Close + Makes it to all Intents and Purposes + As good as anything of Cicero's. + + VI + + Yet let it not your anxious Mind perturb + Should Grammar's Law your Diction fail to curb: + Be comforted: it is like Tacitus: + Tis mostly done by leaving out the Verb. + + VII + + Mark well the Point: and thus your Answer fit + That you thereto all Reference omit, + But argue still about it and about + Of This, and That, and T'Other--not of It. + + VIII + + Say, why should You upon your proper Hook + Dilate on Things which whoso cares to look + Will find, in Libraries or otherwhere, + Already stated in a printed Book? + + IX + + Keep clear of Facts: the Fool who deals in those + A Mucker he inevitably goes: + The dusty Don who looks your Paper o'er + He knows about it all--or thinks he knows. + + X + + A Pipe, a Teapot, and a Pencil blue, + A Crib, perchance a Lexicon--and You + Beside him singing in a Wilderness + Of Suppositions palpably untrue-- + + XI + + 'Tis all he needs: he is content with these: + Not Facts he wants, but soft Hypotheses + Which none need take the Pains to verify: + This is the Way that Men obtain Degrees! + + XII + + 'Twixt Right and Wrong the Difference is dim: + 'Tis settled by the Moderator's Whim: + Perchance the Delta on your Paper marked + Means that his Lunch has disagreed with him: + + XIII + + Perchance the Issue lies in Fortune's Lap: + For if the Names be shaken in a Cap + (As some aver) then Truth and Fallacy + No longer signify a single Rap. + + XIV + + Nay! till the Hour for pouring out the Cup + Of Tea post-prandial calls you home to sup, + And from the dark Invigilator's Chair + The mild Muezzin whispers "Time is Up"-- + + XV + + The Moving Finger writes: then, having writ, + The Product of your Scholarship and Wit + Deposit in the proper Pigeonhole-- + And thank your Stars that there's an End of it! + + + + + LINES TO AN OLD FRIEND + + When we're daily called to arms by continual alarms, + And the journalist unceasingly dilates + On the agitating fact that we're soon to be attacked + By the Germans, or the Russians, or the States: + When the papers all are swelling with a patriotic rage, + And are hurling a defiance or a threat, + Then I cool my martial ardour with the pacifying page + Of the _Oxford University Gazette_. + + When I hanker for a statement that is practical and dry + (Being sated with sensation in excess, + With the vespertinal rumour and the matutinal lie + Which adorn the lucubrations of the Press), + Then I turn me to the columns where there's nothing to attract, + Or the interest to waken and to whet, + And I revel in a banquet of unmitigated fact + In the _Oxford University Gazette_. + + When the Laureate obedient to an editor's decree + Puts his verses in the columns of the _Times_; + When the endless minor poet in an endless minor key + Gives the public his unnecessary rhymes, + When you're weary of the poems which they constantly compose, + And endeavour their existence to forget, + You may seek and find repose in the satisfying prose + Of the _Oxford University Gazette_. + + In that soporific journal you may stupefy the mind + With the influence narcotic which it draws + From the Latest Information about Scholarships Combined + Or the contemplated changes in a clause: + Place me somewhere that is far from the _Standard_ and the _Star_, + From the fever and the literary fret,-- + And the harassed spirit's balm be the academic calm + Of the _Oxford University Gazette_! + + + + + THE PARADISE OF LECTURERS + + When you might be a name for the world to acclaim, + and when Opulence dawns on the view, + Why slave like a Turk at Collegiate work + for a wholly inadequate screw? + Why grind at the trade--insufficiently paid--of + instructing for Mods and for Greats, + When fortunes immense are diurnally made + by a lecturing tour in the States? + + Do you know that in scores they will pay at the doors--these + millions in darkness who grope-- + For a glimpse of Mark Twain or a word from Hall Caine + or a reading from Anthony Hope? + We are ignorant here of the glorious career + which conspicuous talent awaits: + Not a master of style but is making his pile + by the lectures he gives in the States! + + With amazement I hear of the chances they + lose--of the simply incredible sums + Which a Barrie might have (if he did not refuse) + for reciting _A Window in Thrums_: + Of the prospects of gain which are offered + in vain as a sop to the Laureate's pride: + Of the price which I learn Mr Bradshaw + might earn by declaiming his excellent Guide. + + Columbia! desist from soliciting those who + your bribes and petitions contemn: + Though plutocrats scorn the rewards you + propose, there are others superior to them: + Why burden the proud with superfluous + pelf, who wealth in abundance possess, + When indigent Worth (I allude to myself) + would go for substantially less? + + For Europe, I know, to oblivion may doom + the fruits of my talented brain, + But they're perfectly sure of creating a boom + in the wilds of Kentucky and Maine: + They'll appreciate _there_ my illustrious work + on the way to make Pindar to scan, + And Culture will hum in the State of New York + when I read it my essay on 'An! [1] + + I've a scheme, which is this:--I will start + for the West as a Limited Lecturing Co., + And the public invite in the same to invest + to the tune of a million or so: + They will all be recouped for initial expense + by receiving their share of the "gates," + Which I venture to think will be truly + immense when I lecture on Prose in the States. + + Thus Merit will not be permitted to rot--as + it does--on Obscurity's shelf: + Thus the national hoard shall with profit be + stored (with a trifle of course for myself): + For lectures are dear in that fortunate + sphere, and are paid for at fabulous rates,-- + All the gold of Klondike isn't anything like + to the sums that are made in the States! + +[1. Transcriber's note: In the original book, the two characters +preceding the exclamation mark are the Greek "Alpha" and "nu". They +appear to be preceded by the Greek rough-breathing diacritical, making +the three characters together rhyme with "Maine", two lines earlier.] + + + + + A DIALOGUE ON ETHICS + + Said the Isis to the Cherwell in a tone of indignation, + "With a blush of conscious virtue your enormities I see: + And I wish that a reversal of the laws of gravitation + Would prevent your vicious current from contaminating me! + With your hedonists who grovel on a cushion with a novel + (Which is sure to sap the morals and the intellect to stunt), + And the spectacle nefarious of your idle, gay Lotharios + Who pursue a mild flirtation in a misdirected punt!" + + Said the Cherwell to the Isis, "You may talk about my vices-- + But of all the sights of sorrow since the universe began, + Just commend me to the patience that can bear the degradations + Which inflicted are by Rowing on the dignity of man: + The unspeakable reproaches which are lavished by your coaches-- + On my sense of what is proper they continually jar"-- + ("It is simply _Mos Majorum_--'twas their fathers' way before 'em-- + 'Tis a kind of ancient Cussed 'em"--said the Isis to the Cher.) + + "Are we men and are we Britons? shall we ne'er obtain a quittance"-- + Said the Cherwell to the Isis--"from the tyrants of the oar? + O it's Youth in a Canader with the willow boughs to shade her + And a chaperone discreetly in attendance (on the shore), + O it's cultivated leisure that is life's supremest treasure, + Far from athletes merely brutal, and from Philistines afar: + I've a natural aversion to gratuitous exertion, + And I'm prone to mild flirtation," said the unrepentant Cher. + + But in accents of the sternest, "Life is Real: Life is Earnest," + (Said the grim rebuking Isis to his tributary stream); + "Don't you know the Joy of Living is in honourably Striving, + Don't you know the Chase of Pleasure is a vain delusive Dream? + When they toil and when they shiver in the tempests on the River, + When they're faint and spent and weary, and they have + to pull it through, + 'Tis in Action stern and zealous that they truly find a _Telos_, [1] + Though a moment's relaxation be afforded them by you!" + + Said the Cherwell to the Isis, "When the trees are clad in greenness, + When the Eights are fairly over, and it's drawing near Commem., + It is Ver and it is Venus that shall judge the case between us, + And I think for all your maxims that you won't compete with them! + Then despite their boasted virtue shall your athletes all desert you + (Come to me for information if you don't know where they are): + For it's _ina scholaxomen_ [2] that's the proper end of Woman + And of Man--at least in summer," said the easy-going Cher. + +[1. Transcriber's note: The word "Telos" was transliterated from the +Greek characters Tau, epsilon, lambda, omicron, and sigma.] + +[2. Transcriber's note: The two words "ina scholaxomen" were +transliterated from Greek as follows: "ina"--iota (possibly accompanied +by the rough-breathing diacritical), nu, alpha; "scholaxomen"--sigma, +chi, omicron, lambda, alpha (possibly with the soft-breathing +diacritical), xi, omega, mu, epsilon, nu.] + + + + + PEDAGOGY + + Our fathers on the pedagogue held sentiments irrational, + Curricula for training him 'twas never theirs to know, + And when he taught the way he ought, by genius educational, + They gave their thanks to Providence, who made him do it so. + But our developed intellect and keener perspicacity + Has all reduced to system now and _a priori_ rule: + We've altogether ceased to trust in natural capacity, + And pin alone our faith upon a Pedagogy School. + + Don't talk to me of knowledge gained by base experience practical + (A thing that's wholly obsolete and laid upon the shelf): + Don't waste your time in aiming at exactitude syntactical, + Or hold that he who teaches Greek should know that Greek himself: + For if you wish to face the truth, and fact no more to see awry-- + Who strives to wake the dormant mind of unreceptive imps + Need only read the works of Rein on Education's Theory + And study the immortal tomes of Ziegler and De Guimps! + + Whene'er of old a boy was dull or quite adverse to knowledge, he + Was set an imposition or corrected with a switch: + Far different our practice is, who reign by Methodology + And guide the dunce by precepts learnt from Landon or from Fitch: + 'Twas difficult by rule of thumb to check unseemly merriment, + To make your class their pastor treat with proper due regard-- + 'Tis easy quite for specialists in Juvenile Temperament, + Who know the books on Punishment and also on Reward! + + There's no demand for authors now of erudite _opuscula_, + For Wranglers or for Science men or linguists of repute: + No cricketers can gain a post by mere distinction muscular, + No Socker Blues can hope to teach the young idea to Shoot: + Read Lange his Psychology--Didactics of Comenius-- + By works like these and only these your prudent mind prepare: + For if you've nought but scholarship or independent genius + You'd better far adopt the Bar and make your fortune there! + + O all ye ancient dominies whose names are writ in history-- + Shade of the late Orbilius, and ghost of Dr Parr, + Howe'er you got your fame of old--the reason's wrapt in mystery-- + Where'er you be, I hope you see how obsolete you are! + 'Tis Handbooks make the Pedagogue: O great, eternal verity! + O fact of which our ancestors could ne'er obtain a glimpse! + But we'll proclaim the truth abroad and noise it to posterity, + Our watchword a curriculum--our shibboleth DE GUIMPS! + + + + + SONG FOR THE NAVY LEAGUE + + (Dedicated without permission to LORD CHARLES BERESFORD.) + + O where be all those mariners bold + who used to control the sea, + The Admiral great and the bo'sun's mate + and the skipper who skipped so free? + O what has become of our midshipmites, + the terror of every foe, + And the captain brave who dares the wave + when the stormy winds do blow? + + CHORUS + + _For the tar may roam, but the tar comes home + to wherever his home may be, + With a Yo, heave ho, and a _o e to_, [1] and a + Master of Arts Degree_! + + They have gone to imbibe the classical lore + of Learning's ancient seat + (They are sadly at sea in the classics as + yet, though _classis_ is Latin for fleet), + It is there you will find those naval men, + by the Isis and eke the Cher., + For Scholarship is the only ship that is fit + for a bold Jack Tar. + + He has bartered his rum for a coach and a + crib, at the First Lord's stern decree, + And he learns the use of the rocket and + squib (which are useful as lights at sea): + And they train him in part of the nautical + art, as much as a landsman can, + For they teach him to paddle the gay canoe, + and to row the rash randan. + + Should he e'er be inclined his Tutors and + Deans to look with contempt upon + (Observing the maxims of Raleigh and + Drake, who never thought much of a Don), + Let him think there are things in the nautical + line that even a Don can do, + For only too well are examiners versed in + the way to plough the Blue! + + Though a Captain _per se_ is an excellent + thing for repelling his country's foes, + He is better by far, as an engine of war, with + a knowledge of Logic and Prose: + And a bold A.B. is the nation's pride, in + his rude uncultured way, + But prouder still will the nation be when + he's also a bold B.A.! + + CHORUS + + For the Horse Marine will be Tutor and Dean, + in the glorious days to be, + With his Yo, heave ho, and his _o e to_, [1] and a + Master of Arts degree! + +[1. Transcriber's note: the character group "o e to" was transliterated +from the Greek characters omicron (with the rough-breathing +diacritical), eta (with the rough-breathing diacritical), tau, and +omicron (with the soft-breathing diacritical).] + + + A DREAM + + In sleep the errant phantasy, + No more by sense imprisoned, + Creates what possibly might be + But actually isn't: + And this my tale is past belief, + Of truth and reason emptied, + 'Tis fiction manifest--in brief + I was asleep, and dreamt it. + + I met a man by Isis' stream, + Whose phrase discreet and prudent, + Whose penchant for a learned theme + Proclaimed the Serious Student: + I never knew a scholar who + Could more at ease converse on + The latest _Classical Review_ + Than that superior person. + + He spoke of books--all manly sports + He deemed but meet for scoffing: + He did not know the Racquet Courts-- + He'd never heard of golfing-- + Professors ne'er were half so wise, + Nor Readers more sedate! + He was--I learnt with some surprise-- + An undergraduate. + + Another man I met, whose head + Was crammed with pastime's annals, + And who, to judge from what he said, + Must simply live in flannels: + A shallow mind his talk proclaimed, + And showed of culture no trace: + One "book" and one alone he named-- + His own--'twas on the Boat-race. + + "Of course," you cry, "some brainless lad, + Some scion of ancient Tories, + Bob Acres, sent to Oxford _ad + Emolliendos mores_, + Meant but to drain the festive glass + And win the athlete's pewter!" + There you are wrong: this person was + That undergraduate's Tutor. + + * * * * + + Twas but a dream, I said above, + In concrete truth deficient, + Belonging to the region of + The wholly Unconditioned: + Yet, when I see how strange the ways + Of undergrad. and Don are, + Methinks it was, in classic phrase, + Not _upar_ less than _onar_. [1] + +[1. Transcriber's note: the words "upar" and "onar" were transliterated +from the Greek as follows: "upar"--upsilon (possibly with the +rough-breathing diacritical), pi, alpha, and rho; "onar"--omicron +(possibly with the rough-breathing diacritical), nu, alpha, and rho.] + + + + + THE SCHOOL OF AGRICULTURE + + I gazed with wild prophetic eye + Into the future vast and dim: + I saw the University + Indulge its last and strangest whim: + It did away with Mods and Greats, + Its other Schools abolished all: + And simply made its candidates + Read Science Agricultural. + + They learnt to hoe: they learnt to plough: + To delve and dig was all their joy: + But O in ways we know not now + Those candidates we did employ: + No more, accepting of a bribe + To take these persons off our hands, + We sent them off, a studious tribe, + To distant climes and foreign lands. + + We did not then examine in + The subjects which we could not teach + To those who Honours aimed to win + We taught their subjects, all and each + We made the Professoriate + Take from its Professorial shelf + Authorities of ancient date, + And teach the candidates itself + + My scanty page could ne'er contain + Of works the long and learned list + By which it was their plan to train + The sucking agriculturist: + In brief, the arts of tilling land + Sufficiently imparted were + By great Professor Ellis, and + By great Professor Bywater. + + One taught th' aspiring candidate + In Hesiod each alternate day: + One showed him how the crops rotate + From Cato De Re Rustica: + The bee that in our bonnets lurks + He taught to yield its honied store + By reading Columella's works + And also Virgil (Georgic Four). + + Yet not by Theory alone + Did learning train the student mind-- + Its exercise was carried on + In places properly assigned: + From toil by weather undeterred + In winter wild or burning June, + The precepts in the morning heard + They practised in the afternoon. + + The Colleges, whose grassy plots + Are now resorts of vicious ease, + Were then laid out in little lots, + With useful beans and early peas: + Each merely ornamental sod + They dug with spades and hoed with hoes: + The wilderness in every quad + Was made to blossom as the rose. + + The gardens too, with cereals decked, + Where tennis-courts no longer were, + Showed Agriculture's due effect + Upon the student's character: + No more by practices beguiled + Which Virtue with displeasure notes, + No longer dissolute and wild, + He sowed domesticated oats. + + It was indeed a blissful state: + For Convocation's high decree + Dubbed the successful candidate + Magister Agriculturae: + And if he failed, his vows denied, + The world observed without surprise + That those who learnt the plough to guide + Were objects of its exercise! + + + + + THE LAST STRAW + + Now Spring bedecks with nascent green + The meadows near and far, + And Sabbath calm pervades the scene, + And Sabbath punts the Cher.: + While I, like trees new drest by June, + Must bow to Fashion's law, + And wear on Sunday afternoon + A variegated Straw. + + My Topper! so serenely sleek, + So beautifully tall, + Wherein I decked me once a week + Whene'er I went to call,-- + No more shall now th' admiring maid, + While handing me my tea, + View her reflected charms displayed + (Narcissus-like) in thee! + + Yet oh! though different forms of hat + May wreathe my manly brow, + No Straw shall e'er (be sure of that) + Be half so dear as thou. + Hang then upon thy native rack + As varying modes compel, + Till next year's fashions bring thee back, + My Chimneypot, farewell! + + + + + THE 1713 AGAINST NEWNHAM + +[This Fragment will be found to contain, in a concentrated form, all +the constituent parts of Greek Tragedy. It has an Anagnorisis, because +its subject is the Recognition of Women. It also contains _at least +one_ Peripeteia: and the action has been strictly confined, chiefly by +the Editor of the _Magazine_, within one revolution of the sun.] + + SCENE: _Interior of a Ladies' College_ + + LEADER OF THE CHORUS OF LADIES + + Sisters, from far upon my senses steals + A sound of crackers and of Catherine wheels, + By which I know the Senate in debate + Decides our future and the country's fate: + And lo! a herald from the city's stir + I see arrive--the usual Messenger. + +_Enter a Messenger_ + +_M._ O maiden guardians of this sacred shrine-- + +_Ch._ Observe the rules: you've had your single line. + +_M._ Say, is the Lady Principal at home? + +_Ch._ Thou speak'st, as one for information come. + +_M._ I ask the question, for I wish to know. + +_Ch._ By shrewd conjecture one might guess 'twas so. + +_M._ Go, tell your Lady I would speak with her. + +_Ch._ About what thing? what quest dost thou prefer? + +_M._ I bear a tale I hardly dare to tell. + +_Ch._ Why vex her ears, when ours will do as well? + +_M._ Hear then the facts which with self-seeing eyes + I witnessed, not receiving from another. + For when I came within those doors august + Where sat the Boule, doubting if to grant + The boon of honour which the women ask, + Or not: and like some Thracian Hellespont + Tides of opinion flowed in different ways, + Until obeying some divine decree + (This is a Nominative Absolute) + The hollow-bellied circle of a hat + Received their votes (and now, but not till now, + Observe my true apodosis begin)-- + Arithmetic, supreme of sciences, + Proclaimed that persons to the number of + One thousand seven hundred and thirteen + Voted Non-Placet (or, It does not please), + While thrice two hundred, also sixty-two, + Voted for Placet on the other side; + Who, being worsted, come as suppliants + With boughs and fillets and the rest complete, + Winging the booted oarage of their feet + Within your gates: the obscurantist rout + Pursue them here with threats, and swear they'll drag them out! + Such is my tale: its truth should you deny, + I simply answer, that you tell a lie. + + CHORUS + + Woe! Woe! Woe! Woe! What shall we do and where shall we go? + Dublin or Durham, Heidelberg, Bonn, + All to escape the recalcitrant don? + In what peaceful shade reclined + Shall the cultured female mind + E'er remunerated be + By a Bachelor's Degree? + _Pheu, pheu_! [1] Whence, O whence (here the + antistrophe ought to commence), + Whence shall we the privilege seek + Due to our knowledge of Latin and Greek? + Shall we tear our waving locks? + Shall we rend our Sunday frocks? + No, 'tis plain that nothing can + Melt the so-called heart of man. + While with loud triumphant pealings + Ring his cries of horrid joy, + Let us vent our outraged feelings + In a wild _otototoi_-- [2] + Justifiable impatience, when the shafts of fate annoy, + Makes one utter exclamations such as _ototototoi_! [2] + + _Enter_ PROFESSOR PLACET + + I ask you, ye intolerable creatures, + Why raise this wholly execrable din, + O objects of dislike to the discreet? + Six hundred persons, also sixty-two + (Almost the very number of the Beast) + Have voted for you, and defend your gates. + Moreover, mark my subtle argument:-- + When gates are locked no person can get in + Without unlocking them: your gates are locked, + And I have got the key: so that, unless + I ope the gates, the foe cannot get in. + This statement is Pure Reason: or, if this + Is not Pure Reason, _I_ don't know what is. + + CHORUS + + Holy Reason! sacred _Nous_! [3] + Thou that hast for ever parted + From the Cambridge Senate House, + Make, O make us valiant hearted! + Wisdom, still residing here, + Calm our mind and chase our fear + While with wild discordant clamour + On our College gate they hammer! + + [_Confused Noise without._] + + _Hemich. a._ [4] Horrid things! I really wonder + how they ever dared to come, + When they know to base Non-Placets + that we're always Not At Home. + + _Hemich. B._ [4] 'Tis a national dishonour: + 'tis the century's disgrace. + + _Hemich. a._ If the College rules allowed it, + _I_ should like to scratch their face. + + _Hemich. B._ Never mind! a time is coming + when despite of all their Dons + We will sack the hall of Jesus, + and enjoy the wealth of John's! + + _Hemich. a._ Vengeance! let us face the foe-man, + boldly bear the battle's brunt, + With our Placets to assist us + and our chaperons in front! + + [_Alarums; Excursions--special trains for voters._] + +(_A violation of the rule_ "Ne pueros coram populo Medea trucidet" _is +about to commence, when--_) + + _Enter_ APOLLO + + (_With apologies to Dr V-rr-ll for his profligate character._) + + When all too deftly poets tie the knot + And can't untwist their complicated plot, + 'Tis then that comes by Jove's supreme decrees + The useful _theos apo mechanes_. [5] + Rash youths! forbear ungallantly to vex + Your fellow students of the softer sex! + Ladies! proud leaders of our culture's van, + Crush not too cruelly the reptile Man! + Or by experience you, as now, will learn + Th' eternal maxim's truth, that e'en a worm will turn. + + +[1. Transcriber's note: The words "Pheu" and "pheu" were transliterated +from the Greek as follows: "Pheu"--Phi, epsilon, upsilon; "pheu"--phi, +epsilon, upsilon.] + +[2. Transcriber's note: The words "otototoi" and "ototototoi" were +transliterated from the Greek as follows: the "ot" pairs--omicron (with +the rough-breathing diacritical), tau; the trailing "i"--iota.] + +[3. Transcriber's note: The word "Nous" was transliterated from the +Greek as follows: Nu, omicron, upsilon, sigma.] + +[4. Transcriber's note: The "a" and "B" following each "Hemich" were +transliterated from the Greek "alpha" and "Beta", respectively.] + +[5. Transcriber's note: The phrase "theos apo mechanes" was +transliterated from the Greek as follows: "theos"--theta, epsilon, +omicron, sigma; "apo"--alpha, pi, omicron; "mechanes"--mu, eta, chi, +alpha, nu, eta, sigma.] + + + + + QUADRIVIAD, ll. 1-51 + + Arma virosque cano: procul o, procul este profani: + nescio mentiri: si quis mendacia quaerit + in vespertinis quaerat mendacia chartis. + me neque multo iterum Pharsalia sanguine tincta + nec tam Larissa nuper fugitiva relicta + Graecia percussit, quam Curia Municipalis + Principis augusta dextra Cambrensis aperta, + atque novae longis imbutae litibus aedes: + omnia quae vobis canerem si tempus haberem + aut spatium: sed non habeo, varias ob causas. + nunc civilia bella viaeque cruore rubentes + Musae sufficient et Quadrivialis Enyo. + Nox erat et caeio fulgebat luna sereno + desuper: in terris fulgebat Serica lampas + plurima, et ornatis pendent vexilla fenestris. + spectando gaudent cives: academica pubes + palatur passim plateis aut ordine facto + proruit ignavum cives pecus: omnia late + laetitia magni praesentia Principis implet. + Metropolitanae custos, Robertule, pacis, + tu quoque laetus ades, nec dedignaris amice + inter ridentem comis ridere popellum. + ecce tamen Furiae Martini desuper arce + dant belli signum: ruit undique vulgus ad arma: + procuratores obsistunt subgraduatis, + civibus iratis obsistunt subgraduati + et cives illis: pacis custodibus, omnes. + turba venit diris ultrix accincta bacillis: + Metropolitani vecti per strata caballis + proturbant cunctos, reliquos in carcere claudunt. + Consiliarius en! Urbanus in occiput ipse + percutitur nec scit quisnam cere comminuat brum: + namque negant omnes, et adhuc sub judice lis est. + quid Medicina viris jurisve peritia prodest, + jurisconsultos dubio si jure coercent + vincula, nec proprios arcet Medicina bacillos? + heu pietas, heu prisca fides! neglectus alumnus + Tutorem in vacua tristis desiderat aula: + interea Tutor sub judice municipali + litigat, et jurat nil se fecisse nefandum, + obtestans divos: nec creditur obtestanti. + quid referam versos equites iterumque reversos + subgraduatorum pellentes agmina ferro, + inque pavimentis equitantes undique turmas? + proh pudor! o mores, o tempora! forsitan olim + exercens operam curvo Moderator aratro + inveniet mixtis capitum fragmenta galeris + relliquias pugnae, et mentem mortalia tangent. + me sacer Aegidius Musarum fana colentem + aegide defendit, perque ignea tela, per hostes + incolumem vexitque tuens rursusque revexit. + + + + + MUSICAL DEGREES + + Too oft there grows a painful thorn the floweret's stalk upon: + Behind each cupboard's gilded doors there lurks a Skeleton: + The crumpled roseleaf mocks repose, beneath the bed of down: + In proof of which attend the tale of Bach Beethoven Brown. + + Beethoven Brown could play and sing before he learnt to crawl: + Piano, bones, or ophicleide--he played upon them all! + Some talk of Paderewski, or of Dr Joachim-- + These artists meritorious are, but can't compare with him. + + No faults or errors technical his Symphonies deface: + He calculates in counterpoint, he thinks in thoroughbass: + Composers of celebrity--musicians of renown-- + Confess that they're inferior far to Bach Beethoven Brown. + + As conquerors, their triumphs won, new fields before them see, + So Mr Brown resolved to have a Musical Degree: + Some say that it the title was and others say the gown + That captive took the soaring soul of Bach Beethoven Brown. + + But ah! our Statues grovelling command their candidates + To satisfy examiners in Smalls, and Mods., and Greats, + To learn those verbs irregular which men of taste abhor, + Before you can a Doctor be or e'en a Bachelor! + + O mores! and O tempora! can pedantry compel + Musicians who write choruses to construe them as well? + Is this (I ask) the way to deal with genius great and high? + Why fetter it with Latin Prose? and Echo answers "Why?" + + Beethoven Brown is famous still, though ignorant of Greek, + He writes cantatas every month and anthems once a week: + And still in every capital and each provincial town + Piano organs play the tunes of Bach Beethoven Brown; + + Earls, Viscounts, Dukes, and R-y-lties his music throng to hear: + Already he's a Baronet, and soon he'll be a Peer: + And--thrice a year this awful news a nation's heart appals, + That great Sir Bach Beethoven Brown is ploughed again in Smalls! + + + + + QUIETA MOVERE + + "Any leap in the dark is better than standing still."--_New Proverb_. + + Talk not to us of the joys of the Present, + Say not what is is undoubtedly best: + Never be ours to be merely quiescent-- + Anything, everything rather than rest! + + Placid prosperity bores us and vexes: + What if philosophers Latin and Greek + Say that well-being's a Status and _Exis_? [1] + Nothing should please you for more than a week. + + Tinkering, doctoring, shifting, deranging, + Urged by a constant satiety on, + Ever the new for the newer exchanging, + Hazarding ever the gains we have won-- + + Only perpetual flux can delight us, + Blown like a billow by winds of the sea: + Still let us bow to the shrine of St. Vitus-- + _Vite Sanctissime, ora pro me_! + + Pray, that when leaps in the darkness uncaring + End in a fall (as they probably will), + Mine be the credit for valiantly daring, + Others be charged with defraying the bill! + +[1. Transcriber's note: The word "Exis" was transliterated from the +Greek as follows: Epsilon (with the rough-breathing diacritical), xi, +iota, sigma.] + + + + + GRAECULUS ESURIENS + + There came a Grecian Admiral to pale Britannia's shore-- + In Eighteen Ninety-eight he came, and anchored off the Nore; + An ultimatum he despatched (I give the text complete), + Addressing it "_To Kurio_, the Premier, Downing-street." [1] + + "Whereas the sons of Liberty with indignation view + The number of dependencies which governed are by you-- + With Hellas (Freedom's chosen land) we purpose to unite + Some part of those dependencies--let's say the Isle of Wight." + + "The Isle of Wight!" said Parliament, and shuddered at the word, + "Her Majesty's at Osborne, too--of course, the thing's absurd!" + And this response Lord Salisbury eventually gave: + "Such transfers must attended be by difficulties grave." + + "My orders," said the Admiral, "are positive and flat: + I am not in the least deterred by obstacles like that: + We're really only acting in the interests of peace: + Expansion is a nation's law--we've aims sublime in Greece." + + With that Britannia blazed amain with patriotic flames! + They built a hundred ironclads and launched them in the Thames: + They girded on their fathers' swords, both commoners and peers; + They mobilized an Army Corps, and drilled the Volunteers! + + The Labour Party armed itself, invasion's path to bar, + "Truth" and the "Daily Chronicle" proclaimed a Righteous War; + Sir William Harcourt stumped the towns that sacred fire to fan, + And Mr Gladstone every day sent telegrams from Cannes. + + But ere they marched to meet the foe and drench the land with gore, + Outspake that Grecian Admiral--from somewhere near the Nore-- + And "Ere," he said, "hostilities are ordered to commence, + Just hear a last appeal unto your educated sense:-- + + "You can't intend," he said, said he, "to turn your Maxims on + The race that fought at Salamis, that bled at Marathon! + You can't propose with brutal force to drive from off your seas + The men of Homer's gifted line--the sons of Socrates!" + + Britannia heard the patriot's plea, she checked her murderous plans: + Homer's a name to conjure with, 'mong British artisans: + Her Army too, profoundly moved by arguments like these, + Said 'e'd be blowed afore 'e'd fight the sons of Socrates. + + They cast away their fathers' swords, those commoners and peers,-- + Demobilized their Army Corps--dismissed their Volunteers: + Soft Sentiment o'erthrew the bars that nations disunite, + And Greece, in Freedom's sacred name, annexed the Isle of Wight. + + +[1. Transcriber's note: The phrase "To Kurio" was transliterated from +the Greek as follows: "To"--Tau, omega; "Kurio"--Kappa, upsilon, rho, +iota, omega.] + + + + + THE ROAD TO RENOWN + + If it still is your luck to be left in the ruck, + and of fame you're an impotent seeker, + If you fruitlessly aim at a Senate's acclaim + when you can't catch the eye of the Speaker, + If whenever you rise you observe with surprise + that the House is perceptibly thinner, + And your eloquent pleas are a sign to M.P.'s + that it's nearly the time for their dinner: + + Should you sigh for the heights where the eminent lights, + in the region of letters who shine, are; + Should your novels and tales have indifferent sales + and your verses be hopelessly minor, + Should the public refuse your attempts to peruse + when you try to instruct or to shock it, + While it adds to the spoils of its Barries and Doyles, + and increases the hoards of a Crockett: + + If you're baffled, in short, by the fame that you court, + and your name's overlooked by the papers,-- + There's a road to success without toil or distress, + or nocturnal consumption of tapers: + By adopting this plan you're a prominent man, + and no longer a painful aspirant: + You must come on the scene as a bold Philhellene, + and a foe to the Turk and the Tyrant! + + You'll orate to the crowd on the heritage proud + which by Greece is bequeathed to the nations + (You can gain in a week an acquaintance with Greek + by a liberal use of translations), + And the names that you quote with the aid of your "Grote" + and a noble assumption of choler, + Will attest that you feel that excusable zeal + which belongs to an eminent scholar. + + You will prate before mobs of Lord Salisbury's jobs + and the villainous schemes of the Kaiser, + Which will make them believe you've a plan up your sleeve + if they'd only take you for adviser; + You may cheerfully speak of assisting the Greek + 'gainst the foes that his country environ: + 'Tis improbable quite you'll be wanted to fight, + and the phrase will remind them of Byron. + + If you can't get a place in Society's race, + and you have to confess that you're beaten, + Yet I hope I have shown you may make yourself known + by espousing the cause of the Cretan: + You will sell all your works by denouncing the Turks, + and the public will hasten to read 'em, + When in reverent tones you are mentioned as "Jones, + the Defender and Champion of Freedom!" + + + + + L'AFFAIRE (CHAPTER ONE) + + It was a little Bordereau that lay upon the ground: + The Franco-Gallic Government that document it found, + And straightway drew the inference, though how I do not know, + Some Jew had sold to Germany this dreadful Bordereau. + + 'Tis all (they said) a Hebrew trick---a treasonable plan-- + And, now we come to think of it, why Dreyfus is the man! + At any rate (they argued thus), it is for him to show + That he is not the criminal who sold the Bordereau. + + Some hinted at another man, whose autograph it bore-- + But this was Dreyfus' artifice, and proved his guilt the more: + No motive for the horrid deed confessedly he had: + And crimes which are gratuitous are nearly twice as bad. + + They caught that Jew (did Government) and charged him with the sale; + They proved his guilt--or said they did--and shut him up in gaol; + And then, their case to justify and show their verdict true, + They took and baited every one who called himself a Jew. + + These incidents an uproar caused like Donnybrook its Fair: + Wherever Frenchmen met to talk 'twas Pandemonium there: + And anywhere except in France you'd argue from events + That Ministers had rather lost the public confidence. + + Then spake the German Government (and here I must deplore + The fact that they had not presumed to mention it before): + "Although," they said respectfully, "we would not interfere + With any Angelegenheit outside our proper sphere-- + + Why make this quite-essentially-unnecessary fuss? + This compromising document was never sold to us: + Potztausend!" said the Chancellor, "upon my honour, no! + We have not got and do not want your precious Bordereau!" + + This rather struck the Ministers, in Paris where they sat: + They took and read the Bordereau: they had not yet done that. + 'Twas found to mention obvious facts which any one might know-- + No horrid revelations lurked within the Bordereau! + + And did they set poor Dreyfus free, the due amends to make, + Regain the public confidence by owning their mistake, + And cease for popularity by sordid means to bid? + These are the things they might have done; but this is what they did:-- + + They said, those Gallic Ministers, "Undoubtedly it's true + The document has not been sold, and is not worth a _sou_; + But as the man's in prison now, why, there he's got to stay-- + _Que voulez-vous_?" they simply said, "it is a _Chose Jugée_!" + + This artless little narrative is specially designed + To illustrate the workings of the Gallic statesman's mind; + And till they change those processes and mould their ways anew, + It is not yet in Paris that I want to be a Jew. + + + + + UNSELFISH DEVOTION + + Ye Concerts who plan for the welfare of Man + and compose his occasional quarrels, + Whom we properly deem to be teachers supreme + in the sphere of Political Morals, + May you win the renown that your efforts should crown + and reward your assiduous labours + In arranging the cares and embarrassed affairs + that afflict your unfortunate neighbours! + + Should a potentate go for his national foe, + and, as soon as he's thoroughly licked him, + Should he dare to demand a concession of land + from his prostrate and paralyzed victim, + It is then you arise and his arm you arrest + when his harvest is ripe for the reaping, + And a people oppressed may in confidence rest + when it's safe in Diplomacy's keeping. + + It is you who protest in a horrified tone + at a hint of Integrity's danger, + And the victor is shown that a Concert alone + is of Law and of Fate the arranger: + With a warlike display of your fleets in array + and of Maxims (both empty and loaded) + You establish it plain that his notions of gain + are immoral and also exploded! + + Let the blasphemous cry that it's done with an eye + to your ultimate personal profit, + That your chivalrous task is but worn as a mask + till occasion allows you to doff it, + Let the caviller say that the victim to-day + is preserved from a final disaster, + And is saved from the Japs that to-morrow perhaps + he may furnish a meal for their master: + + Yet I cannot believe that what Concerts achieve + is by reasons ulterior dictated, + I am perfectly sure that their motives are pure + (by themselves it is frequently stated); + By themselves we are taught that they never in thought + could the Good with the Selfish commingle-- + What they do is designed for the good of mankind + with an eye that is simple and single! + + For whomever--_e.g._, let us say the Chinee-- + you have freed from the fear of invasion, + Should he presently seem in a posture to be + which is open to Moral Persuasion,-- + How you take him in hand, a philanthropist band! + how you toil to improve his condition, + With a noble disdain of the trouble and pain + of a wholly unselfish Partition! + + For it grieves you, of course, when--ignoring the force + which the doctrine of Mine and of Thine has-- + E'en Integrity's self you must lay on the shelf + (I allude, not to Europe's but China's)! + Let detractors contend that your means and your end + are the end and the means of the vulture-- + Such an altruist plan must betoken the man + who is bent on diffusion of culture. + + Be it yours to assuage for inadequate wage + our unseemly contentions and quarrels, + Be it yours to maintain your respectable reign + in the sphere of Political Morals; + And, relying no more on the shedding of gore + or the rule of torpedoes and sabres, + Make beneficent plots for dividing in lots + the domains of your paralyzed neighbours! + + + + + THE ARREST (1881) + + Come hither, Terence Mulligan, and sit upon the floor, + And list a tale of woe that's worse than all you heard before: + Of all the wrongs the Saxon's done since Erin's shores he trod + The blackest harm he's wrought us now--sure Doolan's put in quod! + + It was the Saxon minister, he said unto himself, + I'll never have a moment's peace till Doolan's on the shelf-- + So bid them make a warrant out and send it by the mail, + To put that daring patriot in dark Kilmainham gaol. + + The minions of authority, that document they wrote, + And Mr Buckshot took the thing upon the Dublin boat: + Och! sorra much he feared the waves, incessantly that roar, + For deeper flows the sea of blood he shed on Ireland's shore! + + But the hero slept unconscious still--tis kilt he was with work, + Haranguing of the multitudes in Waterford and Cork,-- + Till Buckshot and the polis came and rang the front door bell + Disturbing of his slumbers sweet in Morrison's Hotel. + + Then out and spake brave Morrison--"Get up, yer sowl, and run!" + (O bright shall shine on History's page the name of Morrison!) + "To see the light of Erin quenched I never could endure: + Slip on your boots--I'll let yez out upon the kitchen doore!" + + But proudly flashed the patriot's eye and he sternly answered--"No! + I'll never turn a craven back upon my country's foe: + Doolan aboo, for Liberty! . . . and anyhow" (says he) + "The Government's locked the kitchen-door and taken away the key." + + They seized him and they fettered him, those minions of the Law, + ('Twas Pat the Boots was looking on, and told me what he saw)-- + But sorra step that Uncrowned King would leave the place, until + A ten per cent reduction he had got upon his bill. + + Had I been there with odds to aid--say twenty men to one-- + It stirs my heart to think upon the deeds I might have done! + I wouldn't then be telling you the melancholy tale + How Ireland's pride imprisoned lies in dark Kilmainham gaol. + + Yet weep not, Erin, for thy son! 'tis he that's doing well, + For Ireland's thousands feed him there within his dungeon cell,-- + And if by chance he eats too much and his health begins to fail, + The Government then will let him out from black Kilmainham gaol! + + + + + "THE PLAN OF CAMPAIGN" + + (1890) + + Oh, wanst I was a tinant, an' I wisht I was one stilt, + With my cow an' pig an' praties, an' my cabin on the hill! + 'Twas plinty then I had to drink an' plinty too to ate, + And the childer had employment on the Ponsonby estate. + + It was in Tipperary town, as down the street I went, + I met with Mr Blarnigan, that sits in Parliament: + 'Tis he that has the eloquence! An' "Pay no rint," says he, + "For that's the way you'll get your land, an' set the country free." + + I'd paid my rint--sure, 'twas rejuiced--before the rows began, + An' the agent that was in it was a dacent kind of man; + But parties kem by moonlight now, and tould me I must not, + And if I paid it any more they'd surely have me shot. + + The agent said he'd take the half of all the rint I owed, + Because he'd be unwilling for to put me on the road: + I said, "I thank your honour, and in glory may you be! + But that is not the way," says I, "to set ould Ireland free." + + They kem an' put me out of that, and left me there forlorn, + Beside the empty ruins of the house where I was born: + I'm indepindent now myself, and have no work to do, + Until the day when Ireland is indepindent too. + + "A day will come," says Blarnigan, "when tyranny's o'erthrown-- + Just hould the rint a year or so, and all the land's your own!" + Well, 'tis not for the likes of me to question what they say, + But it's starved we'll be before we see that great and glorious day! + + This fighting against tyranny's a splendid kind of thrade, + For thim that goes to London for't, and gets their tickets paid! + I'm loafing on the road myself, an' sorra know I know + What way I'll live the winter through, an' where on earth I'll go. + + Oh, wanst I was a tinant, an' I wisht I was one still, + With my cow an' pig an' praties, an' my cabin on the hill! + Now it's to New York City that I'll have to cross the sea, + And all because I held my rint to set the counthry free. + + + + + THE PATRIOTS "POME" (1890) + + Ye shanties so airy of New Tipperary, + With walls and with floors of the national mud, + Where the home of the freeman mocks Tyranny's demon, + And the landlord and agent are nipped in the bud! + + No Saxon may venture those precincts to enter, + He is barred from their portals by Liberty's ban, + And we boycott each other, each patriot brother, + And safely deride the Emergency Man. + + Though the comfort exterior, perhaps, is inferior + To the homes you have left, on a casual view-- + With its excellent moral no person can quarrel, + Morality's always the weapon for you. + + 'Tis a duty you owe to your country's condition, + For her, to relinquish your homes and your pelf: + Were I placed (as I'm not) in a similar position, + I have no doubt at all I should do so myself. + + It is dastards alone who are ready to grovel, + And make themselves footballs for landlords to kick, + It is better by far to be free in a hovel + Than to owe for your rent in a palace of brick! + + When the Saxon invader has rows with his tenants, + It's absurd to assert that it's _nihil ad rem_ + To inflict on yourselves a gratuitous penance, + For it irritates him and encourages them. + + And it's always a mark of the National Party-- + Which their logical shrewdness distinctively shows-- + That each member is ready, with cheerfulness hearty, + When his face he would punish, to cut off his nose. + + So we still turn our backs on the gifts of the Saxon-- + Yes, Freedom itself, if they give it, contemn: + We would willingly have it from Parnell and Davitt, + But we'd sooner be slaves than accept it from them! + + + + + MR MORLEY'S APOLOGY (1893) + + We statesmen of Erin, Archbishops, M.P.'s, + and Leaders of National Thought, + Pray explain to your friends that I'm anxious + to please, if I do not succeed as I ought! + When I sympathize quite with their notions of right, + it is hard, as I'm sure you'll agree, + That an agent should come with a dynamite bomb, + which perhaps was intended for me! + + My views on the tenants evicted for debt + are identical wholly with yours, + And the fact that they're not in possession + as yet no statesman more deeply deplores: + I approve of explosives--they're often a link + which our union may serve to complete-- + But they're dangerous too, as I venture to think, + when employed in a populous street. + + I planned the Commission; I packed it with men + opposed to the payment of rent; + No landlord had ever evicted again if they + only had done what I meant: + It "adjourned," as I know, in a fortnight or so, + and it did not do much while it sat, + But I was not to blame if we failed in our aim-- + for I could not anticipate that. + + 'Tis a shame, I agree, that I cannot set free + all persons who kill the police; + That patriots leal who in dynamite deal + I can only in sections release: + But I think you must see that a statesman like me + has a character moral at stake, + And must simulate doubt as to letting them out, + for my Saxon constituents' sake. + + For their sentiments move in the narrowest groove-- + be thankful you are not like them! + Mere murder's an act which they seldom approve, + and are even inclined to condemn: + When the patriot blows up his friends or his foes, + those prejudiced Saxons among, + It is reckoned a flaw in his notion of law, + and he is not unfrequently hung. + + Then explain to your friends that their means and their ends + I wholly and fully approve, + Though at times what I feel I am forced to conceal, + and to partly dissemble my love, + And the Saxon, I hope, may develop the scope + of his narrow and obsolete view-- + He will alter in time his conception of crime, + on a longer acquaintance with You. + + + + + HONESTY REWARDED (1892). + + I have always regarded with wonder and awe + The conception of Justice embodied in Law: + For it dealt in a highly remarkable way + With Cornelius Molloy and with Peter O'Shea. + + Now, Peter O'Shea was by nature a serf, + And he paid (when he could) for his land and his turf: + But Cornelius, his friend, was a broth of a boy-- + The Sassenach's scourge was Cornelius Molloy. + + Cornelius adopted the Plan of Campaign, + And he tried to tempt Peter, but tempted in vain. + "'Twas the masther, not thim, I conthracted to pay: + 'Tis a quare kind of business," said Peter O'Shea. + + But the Plan of Campaign, as its authors confess, + Was not, on the whole, a decided success: + And the blackguardly minion whom tyrants employ + Evicted at last great Cornelius Molloy. + + The Saxon oppressor, still potent for harm, + Gave Peter a lease of Cornelius' farm: + Which Peter accepted with virtuous joy-- + For he lived quite adjacent to Mr Molloy. + + Cornelius was angry (and faith he'd a right), + So he came with a party to Peter's by night, + And they shot through the door, with intention to slay + That traitor and land-grabber, Peter O'Shea. + + Poor Peter was pained, but he scorned to show fear: + "Sure the law will protect me so long as I'm here: + 'Tis an iligant holding and little to pay; + Och! 'twas only wid shnipe-shot!" said Pether O'Shea. + + But the Liberal Party observed with dismay + The outrageous proceedings of Peter O'Shea; + And Mr O'Kelly, our pride and our joy, + Made a law for restoring Cornelius Molloy. + + Cornelius came back to his former abode, + And Peter was houseless, and starved on the road: + For Justice, whose methods O'Kelly can tell, + Gave Cornelius _his_ holding and Peter's as well. + + It is this which inspires us with feelings of awe + For the standards of Justice embodied in Law: + And tenants, the law when inclined to obey, + Will be cheered by the instance of Peter O'Shea. + + + + + THE END OF IT + + Must we then cease to exist as a party, + Sink to the items that once we have been, + All for the scruples of Justin M'Carthy, + All for Committee-Room No. 15? + + This is the end of a decade of labour, + Blood that we might have--conceivably--shed, + Daily incitements to boycott your neighbour, + Daily allusions to ounces of lead! + + Is it for this that the champion whose speeches + Fear not to mention the year '98 + Sleeps on a plank and is robbed of his breeches, + Loses some pounds of his natural weight? + + These, it would seem, are that patriot's wages-- + Only to hear that the battle is o'er, + Only to blot from our history's pages + Memories of Mitchelstown, tales of Gweedore! + + All the great days of the row and the ruction, + Days on the hillside and nights in the House, + When by persistent and careful obstruction + Saxons were kept from their yachts and their grouse: + + All was a dream unsubstantial and airy-- + Tenants are cravens, and landlords are paid: + Lone and deserted is New Tipperary, + Lodgings to let in O'Brien Arcade! + + Some are for Redmond and some for M'Carthy, + All are the items that once they have been: + This is the end of the National Party, + All for Committee-Room No. 15. + + + + + A NEW DEPARTURE + + SHOULD IRELAND SEND HER M.P.S TO WASHINGTON? + + Oh, the Irish M.P.s they are bound for the seas, + to the country of Cleveland and Blaine, + And I hear for a fact, their portmanteaus are packed + and we never shall see them again, + And Hibernia thrills through her valleys and hills + with a passionate cry of farewell, + While the manager weeps as they're paying their bills, + in the "Westminster Palace hotel! + + Though he lived all the while in the highest of style + and was fed at his country's expense, + Yet he felt (did the Celt) that in Meshech he dwelt, + and resided in Kedar its tents, + And he yearned in his heart to be playing a part + in a higher and holier sphere-- + For his soul was alight with a zeal for the Right + that we cannot appreciate here. + + Oh, the story is long of the villainous wrong + he endured from the Sassenach reign, + How he languished for weeks, minus freedom (and breeks), + for supporting the Plan of Campaign; + How, when statesmen arose, to diminish his woes, + and the tide of oppression to stem, + We ejected the friends who promoted his ends, + and refused to be guided by them. + + For the Tories have won, and the party is gone + that he ruled with his counsel and swayed, + And there's no one cares _that_ for the suffrage of Pat + or will stoop to solicit his aid: + So the sons of the Gael have determined to sail + for the regions serene of the West, + Where a Balfour's police from their bludgeoning cease, + and the Patriot weary may rest! + + 'Tis in Congress he'll find the intelligent mind + which is able to probe to the roots + The malignant intrigue that endangers the League, + and M'Carthy's and Dillon's disputes,-- + Which is sure to postpone all affairs of its own + and to list to Tim Healy intent + When he takes up the tale of Compulsory Sale, + or complete abolition of rent. + + There'll be wigs on the green (as in No. 15) + and the usual trailing of coats, + For I happen to know Mr Redmond will go, + --by a separate service of boats:-- + And O'Brien will show, while he jumps on his foe + and his blood fratricidally sheds, + That the Union of Hearts of necessity starts + from a general breaking of heads. + + The Hibernian M.P.s are afloat on the seas, + the debates of the West to control, + And the thought of their scheme's a magnificent dream + which may calm our disconsolate soul: + For if ever the Yanks should return them with thanks + and consider their presence a bore, + We have plenty of cranks in the Radical ranks, + and can always supply them with more! + + + + + MULLIGAN ON THE AUSTRIAN PARLIAMENT + + It was a gallant Irishman, and thus I heard him sing-- + "To legislate at Westminster's a dull decorous thing: + But O in merry Austria's deliberative hall, + Bedad, the fun and divilment is simply _kolossàl_! + + "No base procedure rules restrain those wild untutored Czechs, + They have no vile formalities the patriot's soul to vex: + While we must catch the Speaker's eye before a word is said, + In free and happy Austria they blacken it instead. + + "Cold water oft on me to throw is Mr Gully's whim, + But Dr Abrahamovitch has buckets thrown on him: + Quite pleasant and familiar are their dealings with the Chair-- + We 'pull' sometimes the Speaker's 'leg'--they always pull his hair! + + "When, for my own metropolis, I quit this formal scene, + And Ireland's native Parliament shall sit in College-green, + To keep the fun alive and fresh we'll bring a Czech or two + (The Czechs but not the Balances that Mr Gladstone knew): + + "We'll have no dictatorial rule--no Peels or Gullys there-- + But Dr Abrahamovitch shall fill the Speaker's chair: + 'Tis he shall guide by gentle arts our legislative aims, + While Mr Dillon tweaks his nose and Healy calls him names." + + It was an Irish patriot, and thus I heard him say-- + "O set me in Vienna's walls, beneath the Kaiser's sway! + For since Home Rule I cannot get, 'tis there that I would be, + A-chivying the President, an Austrian M.P.!" + + + + + BROKEN VOWS + + O party, pledged in years agone to change our sad condition, + How have you left your task undone and quite resigned your Mission! + How changed the time since tongue and pen our feuds combined to smother, + And Harcourt walked with Healy then as brother walks with brother! + + We from Coercion's darkest gloom saw Erin's star re-risen, + You hob-and-nobbed with patriots, whom yourselves had sent to prison: + It was our schemes of mutual good such close allies that made us: + You spoke as we decreed you should, we voted as you bade us: + + 'Twas we, when fain you were to fare on Office' loaves and fishes, + 'Twas we alone who put you there despite your country's wishes: + While you, when some our acts would blame, proved nought + could be absurder + Than rent to call a legal claim, or landlord-shooting murder. + + Yet why recount our ancient loves which now you turn your backs on? + The maxim old it only proves--you ne'er should trust a Saxon: + Deceitful still, his promised plan he docks, interprets, hedges, + And when he thinks he safely can, he turns and breaks his pledges! + + True Celts despise the paltry baits wherewith you try to feed 'em: + What! offer your diminished rates to men who pine for Freedom! + On County Councils ne'er can thrive a People's aspirations, + No local Government can give a place among the Nations! + + Begone! to swell the Jingo train and ape the tricks of Tories: + Let Rosebery share with Chamberlain his cheap Imperial glories: + Let Primrose Leaguers' base applause to Duty's promptings blind you-- + Desert an outraged nation's cause, and take this curse behind you;-- + + Expect your doom, ye Liberals! though now you scorn and flout us, + Full soon within St Stephen's walls you'll fare but ill without us; + No more to us for succour come, for when you most would have it, + It will not be forthcoming from yours truly, MICHAEL DAVITT! + + + + + THE TRUE REMEDY (1898) + + The angry Gael to sooth you'll fail--the wrongs he lays your door at + It won't redress to pay his cess and nearly all his poor rate: + 'Tis useless quite to calm his spite by show'ring blessings o'er him, + While still he lacks the O's and Macs his fathers had before him! + + But now, to close the tale of woes which long had tried our patience, + Great MacAleese cements a peace between the warring nations; + No more the swords of Saxon hordes are rankling in our vitals, + For Erin's shore enjoys once more her ancient styles and titles. + + O long ago had things been so ere feud had rent our party, + And Parnell those for leader chose while these preferred McCarthy, + I doubt not but the Cause had cut a fat superior figure, + If, better led, we'd had for head O'Parnell and MacBiggar! + + 'Twas hard to spot the patriot when parties mingled freely, + And Labouchere at times would share the politics of Healy; + A symbol new and plain to view from such mistakes will free him-- + By Mac and O you'll always know a patriot when you see him: + + This shibboleth shall bind till death, without respect of faction, + In mutual love, all persons of Hibernian extraction: + I see them stand, a gallant band, agreed each question vexed on, + O'Saunderson in heart at one with Dillon and MacSexton! + + And when we've found Home Rule All Round the only panacea, + The Welsh perhaps will all be Aps--the Scotchmen Macs as we are-- + While Englishmen will sorrow then, in shame and degradation, + To think they've not the titles got which really make a Nation. + + + + + UNITED IRELAND + + "Here's your fery good health, + And tamn ta Whuskey Duty!" + + + Though Hibernians for long in dissension have dwelt + (As a dog that resides with a cat), + There's a bond that the Saxon allies to the Celt-- + They are perfectly solid on that! + And if ever their union is marred by a flaw, + It is due to the craven who shrinks + From proclaiming aloud the immutable law, + That he ought not to pay for his drinks. + + They have differed at times on the theme of Repeal + (As I gather from platform and press), + And the language they used in their patriot zeal + Was intended to wound and distress: + But at last they are joined by a brotherly love, + And his anger the patriot sinks, + For his eloquence now is directed to prove + That he ought not to pay for his drinks. + + There were times when the payment that landlords demand + Was a source of continual woe, + When the tenant preferred to adhere to his land, + And the agent preferred him to go: + When their claims to adjust and the balance to strike + Was a riddle to baffle the Sphinx,-- + But they're reconciled now, by resolving alike + That they never will pay for their drinks. + + There's an influence soft, which has calmed and assuaged + The contentions of Orange and Green: + It has silenced the wars that were formerly waged + In Committee Room Number Fifteen: + For in Cork and Belfast they're united at last + By the strongest and surest of links, + And together they go for the Sassenach foe + Who has asked them to pay for their drinks! + + + + + JUSTICE FOR PRIVATE MULVANEY + + There's a gentleman called Doolan with an eloquence would charm ye + When he talks of shooting landlords and of peaceful themes like that: + But I'd like to undesave him on the subject of the Army-- + Sure the things he says about us are the idlest kind of chat! + We are all (says he) seditious, and the most of us is Fenians: + (And it's true I am a Fenian when I find meself at home:) + But he says we're that devoted to our patriot opinions + That we would not face the foeman when the marching orders come! + + Is it that way, Misther Doolan, that you'd see your country righted? + Troth, to many in the Service 'twill be information new + That they'd lave the flag they followed and betray + the faith they plighted + To be comrades and companions of a gentleman like you! + Tisn't mutiny and treason will make Ireland e'er a nation: + No, we never yet were traitors, though we're rebels now and then! + For your country's name to tarnish and disgrace her reputation-- + Faith! it may be "patriotic," but it isn't fit for men. + + Would we shame those valiant Irishmen, the lads of Meath and Mallow, + Them that fought with Moore and Beresford through many a hard campaign, + Men that dared the Saxon follow, with a roaring "Faugh-a-ballagh," + And that shed their blood like water on the stricken fields of Spain? + Would we shame our bold companions and the land, the land that bore us, + And the gallant boys that led us, and the rattling days we've seen, + When we drove the foe before us with the "Shan Van Voght" in chorus, + And we stormed his mountain stronghold to "The Wearing of the Green?" + + Though we've cursed the name of England: though in faith + and blood we're aliens: + Though we're bred to hate the Union as an Irishman should do-- + Yet we're shoulder still to shoulder in the Englishman's battalions, + And the soldier's pride in Erin is the pledge that he'll be true. + No! if e'er the day is coming of an Irish host's uniting, + When they march to meet the Saxon, with the green above the red, + 'Mid the ranks of England's foemen 'tisn't we that will be fighting-- + --And it isn't Mr Doolan will be marching at their head! 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Thus, we do not necessarily +keep eBooks in compliance with any particular paper edition. + +Most people start at our Web site which has the main PG search facility: + + http://www.gutenberg.org + +This Web site includes information about Project Gutenberg-tm, +including how to make donations to the Project Gutenberg Literary +Archive Foundation, how to help produce our new eBooks, and how to +subscribe to our email newsletter to hear about new eBooks. + +*** END: FULL LICENSE *** + diff --git a/17898-8.zip b/17898-8.zip Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..00d7ada --- /dev/null +++ b/17898-8.zip diff --git a/17898.txt b/17898.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..721e757 --- /dev/null +++ b/17898.txt @@ -0,0 +1,2481 @@ +The Project Gutenberg EBook of Lyra Frivola, by A. D. Godley + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: Lyra Frivola + +Author: A. D. Godley + +Release Date: March 2, 2006 [EBook #17898] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ASCII + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK LYRA FRIVOLA *** + + + + +Produced by Al Haines + + + + + + + + + + +LYRA FRIVOLA + + +BY + +A. D. GODLEY + + + + + +AUTHOR OF "VERSES TO ORDER." + + + + + +METHUEN & CO. + +36 ESSEX STREET, W.C. + +LONDON + +1900 + + + +_Second Edition_ + + + + +Most of the pieces in this book have appeared in the _St James's +Gazette_, the _Oxford Magazine_, or the _National Observer_. I have to +thank the Proprietors of these papers for permission to republish. + +A. D. G. + + + + + CONTENTS + + + AFTER HORACE + THE JOURNALIST ABROAD + VERNAL VERSES + PENSEES DE NOEL + AD LECTIONEM SUAM + RUBAIYYAT OF MODERATIONS + LINES TO AN OLD FRIEND + THE PARADISE OF LECTURERS + A DIALOGUE ON ETHICS + PEDAGOGY + SONG FOR THE NAVY LEAGUE + A DREAM + THE SCHOOL of AGRICULTURE + THE LAST STRAW + THE 1713 AGAINST NEWNHAM + QUADRIVIAD, ll. 1-51 + MUSICAL DEGREES + QUIETA MOVERE + GRAECULUS ESURIENS + THE ROAD TO RENOWN + L'AFFAIRE (CHAPTER ONE) + UNSELFISH DEVOTION + THE ARREST + "THE PLAN OF CAMPAIGN" + THE PATRIOT'S "POME" + MR MORLEY'S APOLOGY + HONESTY REWARDED + THE END OF IT + A NEW DEPARTURE + MULLIGAN ON THE AUSTRIAN PARLIAMENT + BROKEN VOWS + THE TRUE REMEDY + UNITED IRELAND + JUSTICE FOR PRIVATE MULVANEY + + + + + AFTER HORACE + + What asks the Bard? He prays for nought + But what the truly virtuous crave: + That is, the things he plainly ought + To have. + + 'Tis not for wealth, with all the shocks + That vex distracted millionaires, + Plagued by their fluctuating stocks + And shares: + + While plutocrats their millions new + Expend upon each costly whim, + A great deal less than theirs will do + For him; + + The simple incomes of the poor + His meek poetic soul content: + Say, L30,000 at four + Per cent.! + + His taste in residence is plain: + No palaces his heart rejoice: + A cottage in a lane (Park Lane + For choice)-- + + Here be his days in quiet spent: + Here let him meditate the Muse: + Baronial Halls were only meant + For Jews, + + And lands that stretch with endless span + From east to west, from south to north, + Are often much more trouble than + They're worth! + + Let epicures who eat too much + Become uncomfortably stout: + Let gourmets feel th' approaching touch + Of gout,-- + + The Bard subsists on simpler food: + A dinner, not severely plain, + A pint or so of really good + Champagne-- + + Grant him but these, no care he'll take + Though Laureates bask in Fortune's smile, + Though Kiplings and Corellis make + Their pile: + + Contented with a scantier dole + His humble Muse serenely jogs, + Remote from scenes where authors roll + Their logs: + + Far from the madding crowd she lurks, + And really cares no single jot + Whether the public read her works + Or not! + + + + + THE JOURNALIST ABROAD + + When Parson, Doctor, Don,-- + In short, when all the nation + Goes gaily off upon + Its annual vacation, + Their cares professional + No more avail to bind them: + They go at Pleasure's call + And leave their trades behind them. + + Like them, departs afar + From England's fogs and vapours + The literary star, + The writer for the papers: + But not, like them, at home + Leaves he his calling's fetters: + Nought can release him from + The tyranny of Letters! + + When classic scenes amid + For rest and peace he hankers, + _Amari aliquid_ + His joys aesthetic cankers: + Whate'er he sees, he knows + He has to write upon it + A paragraph of prose + Or possibly a sonnet: + + By mountain lakelets blue, + 'Mid wild romantic heath, he's + A martyr always to + _Scribendi cacoethes_: + The Naiad-haunted stream + Or lonely mountain-top he + Considers as a theme + Available for "copy." + + If on the sunlit main + With ardour rapt he gazes, + He's torturing his brain + For neat pictorial phrases: + When in a ship or boat + He navigates the briny + (And here 'tis his to quote + Examples set by Heine) + + While fellow-passengers + Lie stretched in mere prostration, + He duly registers + Each horrible sensation-- + He notes his qualms with care, + And bids the public know 'em + In "Thoughts on Mal de Mer," + Or "Nausea: a Poem." + + * * * * + + Such is his earthly lot: + Nor is it wholly certain + If Death for him or not + Rings down the final curtain, + Or if, when hence he's fled + To worlds or worse or better, + He'll send per Mr St--d + A crisp descriptive letter! + + + + + VERNAL VERSES + + When early worms began to crawl, and early birds to sing, + And frost, and mud, and snow, and rain proclaimed the jocund spring, + Its all-pervading influence the Poet's soul obeyed-- + He made a song to greet the Spring, and this is what he made:-- + + They sadly lacked enlightenment, our ancestors of old, + Who used to suffer simply from an ordinary cold: + But we, of Science' mysteries less ignorant by far, + Have nothing less distinguished than a Bronchial Catarrh! + + O when your head's a lump of lead and nought can do but sneeze: + Whene'er in turn you freeze and burn, and then you burn and freeze:-- + It does not mean you're going to die, although you think you are-- + These are the primal symptoms of a Bronchial Catarrh. + + And when you've taken drugs and pills, and stayed indoors a week, + Yet still your chest with pain opprest will hardly let you speak: + Amid your darksome miseries be this your guiding star-- + 'Tis simply the remainder of a Bronchial Catarrh. + + In various ways do various men invite misfortune's rods,-- + Some row within their College boat,--some Logic read for Mods.: + But oh! of all the human ills our happiness that mar + I do not know the equal of a Bronchial Catarrh! + + + + + PENSEES DE NOEL + + When the landlord wants the rent + Of your humble tenement, + When the Christmas bills begin + Daily, hourly pouring in, + When you pay your gas and poor rate, + Tip the rector, fee the curate, + Let this thought your spirit cheer-- + Christmas comes but once a year. + + When the man who brings the coal + Claims his customary dole: + When the postman rings and knocks + For his usual Christmas-box: + When you're dunned by half the town + With demands for half-a-crown,-- + Think, although they cost you dear, + Christmas comes but once a year. + + When you roam from shop to shop, + Seeking, till you nearly drop, + Christmas cards and small donations + For the maw of your relations, + Questing vainly 'mid the heap + For a thing that's nice, and cheap: + Think, and check the rising tear, + Christmas comes but once a year. + + Though for three successive days + Business quits her usual ways, + Though the milkman's voice be dumb, + Though the paper doesn't come; + Though you want tobacco, but + Find that all the shops are shut: + Bravely still your sorrows bear-- + Christmas comes but once a year. + + When mince-pies you can't digest + Join with waits to break your rest: + When, oh when, to crown your woe, + Persons who might better know + Think it needful that you should + Don a gay convivial mood;-- + Bear with fortitude and patience + These afflicting dispensations: + Man was born to suffer here: + Christmas comes but once a year. + + + + + AD LECTIONEM SUAM + + When Autumn's winds denude the grove, + I seek my Lecture, where it lurks + 'Mid the unpublished portion of + My works, + + And ponder, while its sheets I scan, + How many years away have slipt + Since first I penned that ancient man- + uscript. + + I know thee well--nor can mistake + The old accustomed pencil stroke + Denoting where I mostly make + A joke,-- + + Or where coy brackets signify + Those echoes faint of classic wit + Which, if a lady's present, I + Omit. + + Though Truth enlarge her widening range, + And Knowledge be with time increased, + While thou, my Lecture! dost not change + The least, + + But fixed immutable amidst + The advent of a newer lore, + Maintainest calmly what thou didst + Before: + + Though still malignity avows + That unsuccessful candidates + To thee ascribe their frequent ploughs + In Greats-- + + Once more for intellectual food + Thou'lt serve: an added phrase or two + Will make thee really just as good + As new: + + And listening crowds, that throng the spot, + Will still as usual complain + That "Here's the old familiar rot + Again!" + + + + + RUBAIYYAT OF MODERATIONS + + I + + Wake! for the Nightingale upon the Bough + Has sung of Moderations: ay, and now + Pales in the Firmament above the Schools + The Constellation of the boding Plough. + + II + + I too in distant Ages long ago + To him that ploughed me gave a Quid or so: + It was a Fraud: it was not good enough; + Ne'er for my Quid had I my Quid pro Quo. + + III + + Yet--for the Man who pays his painful Pence + Some Laws may frame from dark Experience: + Still from the Wells of harsh Adversity + May Wisdom draw the Pail of Common Sense-- + + IV + + Take these few Rules, which--carefully rehearsed-- + Will land the User safely in a First, + Second, or Third, or Gulf: and after all + There's nothing lower than a Plough at worst. + + V + + Plain is the Trick of doing Latin Prose, + An Esse Videantur at the Close + Makes it to all Intents and Purposes + As good as anything of Cicero's. + + VI + + Yet let it not your anxious Mind perturb + Should Grammar's Law your Diction fail to curb: + Be comforted: it is like Tacitus: + Tis mostly done by leaving out the Verb. + + VII + + Mark well the Point: and thus your Answer fit + That you thereto all Reference omit, + But argue still about it and about + Of This, and That, and T'Other--not of It. + + VIII + + Say, why should You upon your proper Hook + Dilate on Things which whoso cares to look + Will find, in Libraries or otherwhere, + Already stated in a printed Book? + + IX + + Keep clear of Facts: the Fool who deals in those + A Mucker he inevitably goes: + The dusty Don who looks your Paper o'er + He knows about it all--or thinks he knows. + + X + + A Pipe, a Teapot, and a Pencil blue, + A Crib, perchance a Lexicon--and You + Beside him singing in a Wilderness + Of Suppositions palpably untrue-- + + XI + + 'Tis all he needs: he is content with these: + Not Facts he wants, but soft Hypotheses + Which none need take the Pains to verify: + This is the Way that Men obtain Degrees! + + XII + + 'Twixt Right and Wrong the Difference is dim: + 'Tis settled by the Moderator's Whim: + Perchance the Delta on your Paper marked + Means that his Lunch has disagreed with him: + + XIII + + Perchance the Issue lies in Fortune's Lap: + For if the Names be shaken in a Cap + (As some aver) then Truth and Fallacy + No longer signify a single Rap. + + XIV + + Nay! till the Hour for pouring out the Cup + Of Tea post-prandial calls you home to sup, + And from the dark Invigilator's Chair + The mild Muezzin whispers "Time is Up"-- + + XV + + The Moving Finger writes: then, having writ, + The Product of your Scholarship and Wit + Deposit in the proper Pigeonhole-- + And thank your Stars that there's an End of it! + + + + + LINES TO AN OLD FRIEND + + When we're daily called to arms by continual alarms, + And the journalist unceasingly dilates + On the agitating fact that we're soon to be attacked + By the Germans, or the Russians, or the States: + When the papers all are swelling with a patriotic rage, + And are hurling a defiance or a threat, + Then I cool my martial ardour with the pacifying page + Of the _Oxford University Gazette_. + + When I hanker for a statement that is practical and dry + (Being sated with sensation in excess, + With the vespertinal rumour and the matutinal lie + Which adorn the lucubrations of the Press), + Then I turn me to the columns where there's nothing to attract, + Or the interest to waken and to whet, + And I revel in a banquet of unmitigated fact + In the _Oxford University Gazette_. + + When the Laureate obedient to an editor's decree + Puts his verses in the columns of the _Times_; + When the endless minor poet in an endless minor key + Gives the public his unnecessary rhymes, + When you're weary of the poems which they constantly compose, + And endeavour their existence to forget, + You may seek and find repose in the satisfying prose + Of the _Oxford University Gazette_. + + In that soporific journal you may stupefy the mind + With the influence narcotic which it draws + From the Latest Information about Scholarships Combined + Or the contemplated changes in a clause: + Place me somewhere that is far from the _Standard_ and the _Star_, + From the fever and the literary fret,-- + And the harassed spirit's balm be the academic calm + Of the _Oxford University Gazette_! + + + + + THE PARADISE OF LECTURERS + + When you might be a name for the world to acclaim, + and when Opulence dawns on the view, + Why slave like a Turk at Collegiate work + for a wholly inadequate screw? + Why grind at the trade--insufficiently paid--of + instructing for Mods and for Greats, + When fortunes immense are diurnally made + by a lecturing tour in the States? + + Do you know that in scores they will pay at the doors--these + millions in darkness who grope-- + For a glimpse of Mark Twain or a word from Hall Caine + or a reading from Anthony Hope? + We are ignorant here of the glorious career + which conspicuous talent awaits: + Not a master of style but is making his pile + by the lectures he gives in the States! + + With amazement I hear of the chances they + lose--of the simply incredible sums + Which a Barrie might have (if he did not refuse) + for reciting _A Window in Thrums_: + Of the prospects of gain which are offered + in vain as a sop to the Laureate's pride: + Of the price which I learn Mr Bradshaw + might earn by declaiming his excellent Guide. + + Columbia! desist from soliciting those who + your bribes and petitions contemn: + Though plutocrats scorn the rewards you + propose, there are others superior to them: + Why burden the proud with superfluous + pelf, who wealth in abundance possess, + When indigent Worth (I allude to myself) + would go for substantially less? + + For Europe, I know, to oblivion may doom + the fruits of my talented brain, + But they're perfectly sure of creating a boom + in the wilds of Kentucky and Maine: + They'll appreciate _there_ my illustrious work + on the way to make Pindar to scan, + And Culture will hum in the State of New York + when I read it my essay on 'An! [1] + + I've a scheme, which is this:--I will start + for the West as a Limited Lecturing Co., + And the public invite in the same to invest + to the tune of a million or so: + They will all be recouped for initial expense + by receiving their share of the "gates," + Which I venture to think will be truly + immense when I lecture on Prose in the States. + + Thus Merit will not be permitted to rot--as + it does--on Obscurity's shelf: + Thus the national hoard shall with profit be + stored (with a trifle of course for myself): + For lectures are dear in that fortunate + sphere, and are paid for at fabulous rates,-- + All the gold of Klondike isn't anything like + to the sums that are made in the States! + +[1. Transcriber's note: In the original book, the two characters +preceding the exclamation mark are the Greek "Alpha" and "nu". They +appear to be preceded by the Greek rough-breathing diacritical, making +the three characters together rhyme with "Maine", two lines earlier.] + + + + + A DIALOGUE ON ETHICS + + Said the Isis to the Cherwell in a tone of indignation, + "With a blush of conscious virtue your enormities I see: + And I wish that a reversal of the laws of gravitation + Would prevent your vicious current from contaminating me! + With your hedonists who grovel on a cushion with a novel + (Which is sure to sap the morals and the intellect to stunt), + And the spectacle nefarious of your idle, gay Lotharios + Who pursue a mild flirtation in a misdirected punt!" + + Said the Cherwell to the Isis, "You may talk about my vices-- + But of all the sights of sorrow since the universe began, + Just commend me to the patience that can bear the degradations + Which inflicted are by Rowing on the dignity of man: + The unspeakable reproaches which are lavished by your coaches-- + On my sense of what is proper they continually jar"-- + ("It is simply _Mos Majorum_--'twas their fathers' way before 'em-- + 'Tis a kind of ancient Cussed 'em"--said the Isis to the Cher.) + + "Are we men and are we Britons? shall we ne'er obtain a quittance"-- + Said the Cherwell to the Isis--"from the tyrants of the oar? + O it's Youth in a Canader with the willow boughs to shade her + And a chaperone discreetly in attendance (on the shore), + O it's cultivated leisure that is life's supremest treasure, + Far from athletes merely brutal, and from Philistines afar: + I've a natural aversion to gratuitous exertion, + And I'm prone to mild flirtation," said the unrepentant Cher. + + But in accents of the sternest, "Life is Real: Life is Earnest," + (Said the grim rebuking Isis to his tributary stream); + "Don't you know the Joy of Living is in honourably Striving, + Don't you know the Chase of Pleasure is a vain delusive Dream? + When they toil and when they shiver in the tempests on the River, + When they're faint and spent and weary, and they have + to pull it through, + 'Tis in Action stern and zealous that they truly find a _Telos_, [1] + Though a moment's relaxation be afforded them by you!" + + Said the Cherwell to the Isis, "When the trees are clad in greenness, + When the Eights are fairly over, and it's drawing near Commem., + It is Ver and it is Venus that shall judge the case between us, + And I think for all your maxims that you won't compete with them! + Then despite their boasted virtue shall your athletes all desert you + (Come to me for information if you don't know where they are): + For it's _ina scholaxomen_ [2] that's the proper end of Woman + And of Man--at least in summer," said the easy-going Cher. + +[1. Transcriber's note: The word "Telos" was transliterated from the +Greek characters Tau, epsilon, lambda, omicron, and sigma.] + +[2. Transcriber's note: The two words "ina scholaxomen" were +transliterated from Greek as follows: "ina"--iota (possibly accompanied +by the rough-breathing diacritical), nu, alpha; "scholaxomen"--sigma, +chi, omicron, lambda, alpha (possibly with the soft-breathing +diacritical), xi, omega, mu, epsilon, nu.] + + + + + PEDAGOGY + + Our fathers on the pedagogue held sentiments irrational, + Curricula for training him 'twas never theirs to know, + And when he taught the way he ought, by genius educational, + They gave their thanks to Providence, who made him do it so. + But our developed intellect and keener perspicacity + Has all reduced to system now and _a priori_ rule: + We've altogether ceased to trust in natural capacity, + And pin alone our faith upon a Pedagogy School. + + Don't talk to me of knowledge gained by base experience practical + (A thing that's wholly obsolete and laid upon the shelf): + Don't waste your time in aiming at exactitude syntactical, + Or hold that he who teaches Greek should know that Greek himself: + For if you wish to face the truth, and fact no more to see awry-- + Who strives to wake the dormant mind of unreceptive imps + Need only read the works of Rein on Education's Theory + And study the immortal tomes of Ziegler and De Guimps! + + Whene'er of old a boy was dull or quite adverse to knowledge, he + Was set an imposition or corrected with a switch: + Far different our practice is, who reign by Methodology + And guide the dunce by precepts learnt from Landon or from Fitch: + 'Twas difficult by rule of thumb to check unseemly merriment, + To make your class their pastor treat with proper due regard-- + 'Tis easy quite for specialists in Juvenile Temperament, + Who know the books on Punishment and also on Reward! + + There's no demand for authors now of erudite _opuscula_, + For Wranglers or for Science men or linguists of repute: + No cricketers can gain a post by mere distinction muscular, + No Socker Blues can hope to teach the young idea to Shoot: + Read Lange his Psychology--Didactics of Comenius-- + By works like these and only these your prudent mind prepare: + For if you've nought but scholarship or independent genius + You'd better far adopt the Bar and make your fortune there! + + O all ye ancient dominies whose names are writ in history-- + Shade of the late Orbilius, and ghost of Dr Parr, + Howe'er you got your fame of old--the reason's wrapt in mystery-- + Where'er you be, I hope you see how obsolete you are! + 'Tis Handbooks make the Pedagogue: O great, eternal verity! + O fact of which our ancestors could ne'er obtain a glimpse! + But we'll proclaim the truth abroad and noise it to posterity, + Our watchword a curriculum--our shibboleth DE GUIMPS! + + + + + SONG FOR THE NAVY LEAGUE + + (Dedicated without permission to LORD CHARLES BERESFORD.) + + O where be all those mariners bold + who used to control the sea, + The Admiral great and the bo'sun's mate + and the skipper who skipped so free? + O what has become of our midshipmites, + the terror of every foe, + And the captain brave who dares the wave + when the stormy winds do blow? + + CHORUS + + _For the tar may roam, but the tar comes home + to wherever his home may be, + With a Yo, heave ho, and a _o e to_, [1] and a + Master of Arts Degree_! + + They have gone to imbibe the classical lore + of Learning's ancient seat + (They are sadly at sea in the classics as + yet, though _classis_ is Latin for fleet), + It is there you will find those naval men, + by the Isis and eke the Cher., + For Scholarship is the only ship that is fit + for a bold Jack Tar. + + He has bartered his rum for a coach and a + crib, at the First Lord's stern decree, + And he learns the use of the rocket and + squib (which are useful as lights at sea): + And they train him in part of the nautical + art, as much as a landsman can, + For they teach him to paddle the gay canoe, + and to row the rash randan. + + Should he e'er be inclined his Tutors and + Deans to look with contempt upon + (Observing the maxims of Raleigh and + Drake, who never thought much of a Don), + Let him think there are things in the nautical + line that even a Don can do, + For only too well are examiners versed in + the way to plough the Blue! + + Though a Captain _per se_ is an excellent + thing for repelling his country's foes, + He is better by far, as an engine of war, with + a knowledge of Logic and Prose: + And a bold A.B. is the nation's pride, in + his rude uncultured way, + But prouder still will the nation be when + he's also a bold B.A.! + + CHORUS + + For the Horse Marine will be Tutor and Dean, + in the glorious days to be, + With his Yo, heave ho, and his _o e to_, [1] and a + Master of Arts degree! + +[1. Transcriber's note: the character group "o e to" was transliterated +from the Greek characters omicron (with the rough-breathing +diacritical), eta (with the rough-breathing diacritical), tau, and +omicron (with the soft-breathing diacritical).] + + + A DREAM + + In sleep the errant phantasy, + No more by sense imprisoned, + Creates what possibly might be + But actually isn't: + And this my tale is past belief, + Of truth and reason emptied, + 'Tis fiction manifest--in brief + I was asleep, and dreamt it. + + I met a man by Isis' stream, + Whose phrase discreet and prudent, + Whose penchant for a learned theme + Proclaimed the Serious Student: + I never knew a scholar who + Could more at ease converse on + The latest _Classical Review_ + Than that superior person. + + He spoke of books--all manly sports + He deemed but meet for scoffing: + He did not know the Racquet Courts-- + He'd never heard of golfing-- + Professors ne'er were half so wise, + Nor Readers more sedate! + He was--I learnt with some surprise-- + An undergraduate. + + Another man I met, whose head + Was crammed with pastime's annals, + And who, to judge from what he said, + Must simply live in flannels: + A shallow mind his talk proclaimed, + And showed of culture no trace: + One "book" and one alone he named-- + His own--'twas on the Boat-race. + + "Of course," you cry, "some brainless lad, + Some scion of ancient Tories, + Bob Acres, sent to Oxford _ad + Emolliendos mores_, + Meant but to drain the festive glass + And win the athlete's pewter!" + There you are wrong: this person was + That undergraduate's Tutor. + + * * * * + + Twas but a dream, I said above, + In concrete truth deficient, + Belonging to the region of + The wholly Unconditioned: + Yet, when I see how strange the ways + Of undergrad. and Don are, + Methinks it was, in classic phrase, + Not _upar_ less than _onar_. [1] + +[1. Transcriber's note: the words "upar" and "onar" were transliterated +from the Greek as follows: "upar"--upsilon (possibly with the +rough-breathing diacritical), pi, alpha, and rho; "onar"--omicron +(possibly with the rough-breathing diacritical), nu, alpha, and rho.] + + + + + THE SCHOOL OF AGRICULTURE + + I gazed with wild prophetic eye + Into the future vast and dim: + I saw the University + Indulge its last and strangest whim: + It did away with Mods and Greats, + Its other Schools abolished all: + And simply made its candidates + Read Science Agricultural. + + They learnt to hoe: they learnt to plough: + To delve and dig was all their joy: + But O in ways we know not now + Those candidates we did employ: + No more, accepting of a bribe + To take these persons off our hands, + We sent them off, a studious tribe, + To distant climes and foreign lands. + + We did not then examine in + The subjects which we could not teach + To those who Honours aimed to win + We taught their subjects, all and each + We made the Professoriate + Take from its Professorial shelf + Authorities of ancient date, + And teach the candidates itself + + My scanty page could ne'er contain + Of works the long and learned list + By which it was their plan to train + The sucking agriculturist: + In brief, the arts of tilling land + Sufficiently imparted were + By great Professor Ellis, and + By great Professor Bywater. + + One taught th' aspiring candidate + In Hesiod each alternate day: + One showed him how the crops rotate + From Cato De Re Rustica: + The bee that in our bonnets lurks + He taught to yield its honied store + By reading Columella's works + And also Virgil (Georgic Four). + + Yet not by Theory alone + Did learning train the student mind-- + Its exercise was carried on + In places properly assigned: + From toil by weather undeterred + In winter wild or burning June, + The precepts in the morning heard + They practised in the afternoon. + + The Colleges, whose grassy plots + Are now resorts of vicious ease, + Were then laid out in little lots, + With useful beans and early peas: + Each merely ornamental sod + They dug with spades and hoed with hoes: + The wilderness in every quad + Was made to blossom as the rose. + + The gardens too, with cereals decked, + Where tennis-courts no longer were, + Showed Agriculture's due effect + Upon the student's character: + No more by practices beguiled + Which Virtue with displeasure notes, + No longer dissolute and wild, + He sowed domesticated oats. + + It was indeed a blissful state: + For Convocation's high decree + Dubbed the successful candidate + Magister Agriculturae: + And if he failed, his vows denied, + The world observed without surprise + That those who learnt the plough to guide + Were objects of its exercise! + + + + + THE LAST STRAW + + Now Spring bedecks with nascent green + The meadows near and far, + And Sabbath calm pervades the scene, + And Sabbath punts the Cher.: + While I, like trees new drest by June, + Must bow to Fashion's law, + And wear on Sunday afternoon + A variegated Straw. + + My Topper! so serenely sleek, + So beautifully tall, + Wherein I decked me once a week + Whene'er I went to call,-- + No more shall now th' admiring maid, + While handing me my tea, + View her reflected charms displayed + (Narcissus-like) in thee! + + Yet oh! though different forms of hat + May wreathe my manly brow, + No Straw shall e'er (be sure of that) + Be half so dear as thou. + Hang then upon thy native rack + As varying modes compel, + Till next year's fashions bring thee back, + My Chimneypot, farewell! + + + + + THE 1713 AGAINST NEWNHAM + +[This Fragment will be found to contain, in a concentrated form, all +the constituent parts of Greek Tragedy. It has an Anagnorisis, because +its subject is the Recognition of Women. It also contains _at least +one_ Peripeteia: and the action has been strictly confined, chiefly by +the Editor of the _Magazine_, within one revolution of the sun.] + + SCENE: _Interior of a Ladies' College_ + + LEADER OF THE CHORUS OF LADIES + + Sisters, from far upon my senses steals + A sound of crackers and of Catherine wheels, + By which I know the Senate in debate + Decides our future and the country's fate: + And lo! a herald from the city's stir + I see arrive--the usual Messenger. + +_Enter a Messenger_ + +_M._ O maiden guardians of this sacred shrine-- + +_Ch._ Observe the rules: you've had your single line. + +_M._ Say, is the Lady Principal at home? + +_Ch._ Thou speak'st, as one for information come. + +_M._ I ask the question, for I wish to know. + +_Ch._ By shrewd conjecture one might guess 'twas so. + +_M._ Go, tell your Lady I would speak with her. + +_Ch._ About what thing? what quest dost thou prefer? + +_M._ I bear a tale I hardly dare to tell. + +_Ch._ Why vex her ears, when ours will do as well? + +_M._ Hear then the facts which with self-seeing eyes + I witnessed, not receiving from another. + For when I came within those doors august + Where sat the Boule, doubting if to grant + The boon of honour which the women ask, + Or not: and like some Thracian Hellespont + Tides of opinion flowed in different ways, + Until obeying some divine decree + (This is a Nominative Absolute) + The hollow-bellied circle of a hat + Received their votes (and now, but not till now, + Observe my true apodosis begin)-- + Arithmetic, supreme of sciences, + Proclaimed that persons to the number of + One thousand seven hundred and thirteen + Voted Non-Placet (or, It does not please), + While thrice two hundred, also sixty-two, + Voted for Placet on the other side; + Who, being worsted, come as suppliants + With boughs and fillets and the rest complete, + Winging the booted oarage of their feet + Within your gates: the obscurantist rout + Pursue them here with threats, and swear they'll drag them out! + Such is my tale: its truth should you deny, + I simply answer, that you tell a lie. + + CHORUS + + Woe! Woe! Woe! Woe! What shall we do and where shall we go? + Dublin or Durham, Heidelberg, Bonn, + All to escape the recalcitrant don? + In what peaceful shade reclined + Shall the cultured female mind + E'er remunerated be + By a Bachelor's Degree? + _Pheu, pheu_! [1] Whence, O whence (here the + antistrophe ought to commence), + Whence shall we the privilege seek + Due to our knowledge of Latin and Greek? + Shall we tear our waving locks? + Shall we rend our Sunday frocks? + No, 'tis plain that nothing can + Melt the so-called heart of man. + While with loud triumphant pealings + Ring his cries of horrid joy, + Let us vent our outraged feelings + In a wild _otototoi_-- [2] + Justifiable impatience, when the shafts of fate annoy, + Makes one utter exclamations such as _ototototoi_! [2] + + _Enter_ PROFESSOR PLACET + + I ask you, ye intolerable creatures, + Why raise this wholly execrable din, + O objects of dislike to the discreet? + Six hundred persons, also sixty-two + (Almost the very number of the Beast) + Have voted for you, and defend your gates. + Moreover, mark my subtle argument:-- + When gates are locked no person can get in + Without unlocking them: your gates are locked, + And I have got the key: so that, unless + I ope the gates, the foe cannot get in. + This statement is Pure Reason: or, if this + Is not Pure Reason, _I_ don't know what is. + + CHORUS + + Holy Reason! sacred _Nous_! [3] + Thou that hast for ever parted + From the Cambridge Senate House, + Make, O make us valiant hearted! + Wisdom, still residing here, + Calm our mind and chase our fear + While with wild discordant clamour + On our College gate they hammer! + + [_Confused Noise without._] + + _Hemich. a._ [4] Horrid things! I really wonder + how they ever dared to come, + When they know to base Non-Placets + that we're always Not At Home. + + _Hemich. B._ [4] 'Tis a national dishonour: + 'tis the century's disgrace. + + _Hemich. a._ If the College rules allowed it, + _I_ should like to scratch their face. + + _Hemich. B._ Never mind! a time is coming + when despite of all their Dons + We will sack the hall of Jesus, + and enjoy the wealth of John's! + + _Hemich. a._ Vengeance! let us face the foe-man, + boldly bear the battle's brunt, + With our Placets to assist us + and our chaperons in front! + + [_Alarums; Excursions--special trains for voters._] + +(_A violation of the rule_ "Ne pueros coram populo Medea trucidet" _is +about to commence, when--_) + + _Enter_ APOLLO + + (_With apologies to Dr V-rr-ll for his profligate character._) + + When all too deftly poets tie the knot + And can't untwist their complicated plot, + 'Tis then that comes by Jove's supreme decrees + The useful _theos apo mechanes_. [5] + Rash youths! forbear ungallantly to vex + Your fellow students of the softer sex! + Ladies! proud leaders of our culture's van, + Crush not too cruelly the reptile Man! + Or by experience you, as now, will learn + Th' eternal maxim's truth, that e'en a worm will turn. + + +[1. Transcriber's note: The words "Pheu" and "pheu" were transliterated +from the Greek as follows: "Pheu"--Phi, epsilon, upsilon; "pheu"--phi, +epsilon, upsilon.] + +[2. Transcriber's note: The words "otototoi" and "ototototoi" were +transliterated from the Greek as follows: the "ot" pairs--omicron (with +the rough-breathing diacritical), tau; the trailing "i"--iota.] + +[3. Transcriber's note: The word "Nous" was transliterated from the +Greek as follows: Nu, omicron, upsilon, sigma.] + +[4. Transcriber's note: The "a" and "B" following each "Hemich" were +transliterated from the Greek "alpha" and "Beta", respectively.] + +[5. Transcriber's note: The phrase "theos apo mechanes" was +transliterated from the Greek as follows: "theos"--theta, epsilon, +omicron, sigma; "apo"--alpha, pi, omicron; "mechanes"--mu, eta, chi, +alpha, nu, eta, sigma.] + + + + + QUADRIVIAD, ll. 1-51 + + Arma virosque cano: procul o, procul este profani: + nescio mentiri: si quis mendacia quaerit + in vespertinis quaerat mendacia chartis. + me neque multo iterum Pharsalia sanguine tincta + nec tam Larissa nuper fugitiva relicta + Graecia percussit, quam Curia Municipalis + Principis augusta dextra Cambrensis aperta, + atque novae longis imbutae litibus aedes: + omnia quae vobis canerem si tempus haberem + aut spatium: sed non habeo, varias ob causas. + nunc civilia bella viaeque cruore rubentes + Musae sufficient et Quadrivialis Enyo. + Nox erat et caeio fulgebat luna sereno + desuper: in terris fulgebat Serica lampas + plurima, et ornatis pendent vexilla fenestris. + spectando gaudent cives: academica pubes + palatur passim plateis aut ordine facto + proruit ignavum cives pecus: omnia late + laetitia magni praesentia Principis implet. + Metropolitanae custos, Robertule, pacis, + tu quoque laetus ades, nec dedignaris amice + inter ridentem comis ridere popellum. + ecce tamen Furiae Martini desuper arce + dant belli signum: ruit undique vulgus ad arma: + procuratores obsistunt subgraduatis, + civibus iratis obsistunt subgraduati + et cives illis: pacis custodibus, omnes. + turba venit diris ultrix accincta bacillis: + Metropolitani vecti per strata caballis + proturbant cunctos, reliquos in carcere claudunt. + Consiliarius en! Urbanus in occiput ipse + percutitur nec scit quisnam cere comminuat brum: + namque negant omnes, et adhuc sub judice lis est. + quid Medicina viris jurisve peritia prodest, + jurisconsultos dubio si jure coercent + vincula, nec proprios arcet Medicina bacillos? + heu pietas, heu prisca fides! neglectus alumnus + Tutorem in vacua tristis desiderat aula: + interea Tutor sub judice municipali + litigat, et jurat nil se fecisse nefandum, + obtestans divos: nec creditur obtestanti. + quid referam versos equites iterumque reversos + subgraduatorum pellentes agmina ferro, + inque pavimentis equitantes undique turmas? + proh pudor! o mores, o tempora! forsitan olim + exercens operam curvo Moderator aratro + inveniet mixtis capitum fragmenta galeris + relliquias pugnae, et mentem mortalia tangent. + me sacer Aegidius Musarum fana colentem + aegide defendit, perque ignea tela, per hostes + incolumem vexitque tuens rursusque revexit. + + + + + MUSICAL DEGREES + + Too oft there grows a painful thorn the floweret's stalk upon: + Behind each cupboard's gilded doors there lurks a Skeleton: + The crumpled roseleaf mocks repose, beneath the bed of down: + In proof of which attend the tale of Bach Beethoven Brown. + + Beethoven Brown could play and sing before he learnt to crawl: + Piano, bones, or ophicleide--he played upon them all! + Some talk of Paderewski, or of Dr Joachim-- + These artists meritorious are, but can't compare with him. + + No faults or errors technical his Symphonies deface: + He calculates in counterpoint, he thinks in thoroughbass: + Composers of celebrity--musicians of renown-- + Confess that they're inferior far to Bach Beethoven Brown. + + As conquerors, their triumphs won, new fields before them see, + So Mr Brown resolved to have a Musical Degree: + Some say that it the title was and others say the gown + That captive took the soaring soul of Bach Beethoven Brown. + + But ah! our Statues grovelling command their candidates + To satisfy examiners in Smalls, and Mods., and Greats, + To learn those verbs irregular which men of taste abhor, + Before you can a Doctor be or e'en a Bachelor! + + O mores! and O tempora! can pedantry compel + Musicians who write choruses to construe them as well? + Is this (I ask) the way to deal with genius great and high? + Why fetter it with Latin Prose? and Echo answers "Why?" + + Beethoven Brown is famous still, though ignorant of Greek, + He writes cantatas every month and anthems once a week: + And still in every capital and each provincial town + Piano organs play the tunes of Bach Beethoven Brown; + + Earls, Viscounts, Dukes, and R-y-lties his music throng to hear: + Already he's a Baronet, and soon he'll be a Peer: + And--thrice a year this awful news a nation's heart appals, + That great Sir Bach Beethoven Brown is ploughed again in Smalls! + + + + + QUIETA MOVERE + + "Any leap in the dark is better than standing still."--_New Proverb_. + + Talk not to us of the joys of the Present, + Say not what is is undoubtedly best: + Never be ours to be merely quiescent-- + Anything, everything rather than rest! + + Placid prosperity bores us and vexes: + What if philosophers Latin and Greek + Say that well-being's a Status and _Exis_? [1] + Nothing should please you for more than a week. + + Tinkering, doctoring, shifting, deranging, + Urged by a constant satiety on, + Ever the new for the newer exchanging, + Hazarding ever the gains we have won-- + + Only perpetual flux can delight us, + Blown like a billow by winds of the sea: + Still let us bow to the shrine of St. Vitus-- + _Vite Sanctissime, ora pro me_! + + Pray, that when leaps in the darkness uncaring + End in a fall (as they probably will), + Mine be the credit for valiantly daring, + Others be charged with defraying the bill! + +[1. Transcriber's note: The word "Exis" was transliterated from the +Greek as follows: Epsilon (with the rough-breathing diacritical), xi, +iota, sigma.] + + + + + GRAECULUS ESURIENS + + There came a Grecian Admiral to pale Britannia's shore-- + In Eighteen Ninety-eight he came, and anchored off the Nore; + An ultimatum he despatched (I give the text complete), + Addressing it "_To Kurio_, the Premier, Downing-street." [1] + + "Whereas the sons of Liberty with indignation view + The number of dependencies which governed are by you-- + With Hellas (Freedom's chosen land) we purpose to unite + Some part of those dependencies--let's say the Isle of Wight." + + "The Isle of Wight!" said Parliament, and shuddered at the word, + "Her Majesty's at Osborne, too--of course, the thing's absurd!" + And this response Lord Salisbury eventually gave: + "Such transfers must attended be by difficulties grave." + + "My orders," said the Admiral, "are positive and flat: + I am not in the least deterred by obstacles like that: + We're really only acting in the interests of peace: + Expansion is a nation's law--we've aims sublime in Greece." + + With that Britannia blazed amain with patriotic flames! + They built a hundred ironclads and launched them in the Thames: + They girded on their fathers' swords, both commoners and peers; + They mobilized an Army Corps, and drilled the Volunteers! + + The Labour Party armed itself, invasion's path to bar, + "Truth" and the "Daily Chronicle" proclaimed a Righteous War; + Sir William Harcourt stumped the towns that sacred fire to fan, + And Mr Gladstone every day sent telegrams from Cannes. + + But ere they marched to meet the foe and drench the land with gore, + Outspake that Grecian Admiral--from somewhere near the Nore-- + And "Ere," he said, "hostilities are ordered to commence, + Just hear a last appeal unto your educated sense:-- + + "You can't intend," he said, said he, "to turn your Maxims on + The race that fought at Salamis, that bled at Marathon! + You can't propose with brutal force to drive from off your seas + The men of Homer's gifted line--the sons of Socrates!" + + Britannia heard the patriot's plea, she checked her murderous plans: + Homer's a name to conjure with, 'mong British artisans: + Her Army too, profoundly moved by arguments like these, + Said 'e'd be blowed afore 'e'd fight the sons of Socrates. + + They cast away their fathers' swords, those commoners and peers,-- + Demobilized their Army Corps--dismissed their Volunteers: + Soft Sentiment o'erthrew the bars that nations disunite, + And Greece, in Freedom's sacred name, annexed the Isle of Wight. + + +[1. Transcriber's note: The phrase "To Kurio" was transliterated from +the Greek as follows: "To"--Tau, omega; "Kurio"--Kappa, upsilon, rho, +iota, omega.] + + + + + THE ROAD TO RENOWN + + If it still is your luck to be left in the ruck, + and of fame you're an impotent seeker, + If you fruitlessly aim at a Senate's acclaim + when you can't catch the eye of the Speaker, + If whenever you rise you observe with surprise + that the House is perceptibly thinner, + And your eloquent pleas are a sign to M.P.'s + that it's nearly the time for their dinner: + + Should you sigh for the heights where the eminent lights, + in the region of letters who shine, are; + Should your novels and tales have indifferent sales + and your verses be hopelessly minor, + Should the public refuse your attempts to peruse + when you try to instruct or to shock it, + While it adds to the spoils of its Barries and Doyles, + and increases the hoards of a Crockett: + + If you're baffled, in short, by the fame that you court, + and your name's overlooked by the papers,-- + There's a road to success without toil or distress, + or nocturnal consumption of tapers: + By adopting this plan you're a prominent man, + and no longer a painful aspirant: + You must come on the scene as a bold Philhellene, + and a foe to the Turk and the Tyrant! + + You'll orate to the crowd on the heritage proud + which by Greece is bequeathed to the nations + (You can gain in a week an acquaintance with Greek + by a liberal use of translations), + And the names that you quote with the aid of your "Grote" + and a noble assumption of choler, + Will attest that you feel that excusable zeal + which belongs to an eminent scholar. + + You will prate before mobs of Lord Salisbury's jobs + and the villainous schemes of the Kaiser, + Which will make them believe you've a plan up your sleeve + if they'd only take you for adviser; + You may cheerfully speak of assisting the Greek + 'gainst the foes that his country environ: + 'Tis improbable quite you'll be wanted to fight, + and the phrase will remind them of Byron. + + If you can't get a place in Society's race, + and you have to confess that you're beaten, + Yet I hope I have shown you may make yourself known + by espousing the cause of the Cretan: + You will sell all your works by denouncing the Turks, + and the public will hasten to read 'em, + When in reverent tones you are mentioned as "Jones, + the Defender and Champion of Freedom!" + + + + + L'AFFAIRE (CHAPTER ONE) + + It was a little Bordereau that lay upon the ground: + The Franco-Gallic Government that document it found, + And straightway drew the inference, though how I do not know, + Some Jew had sold to Germany this dreadful Bordereau. + + 'Tis all (they said) a Hebrew trick---a treasonable plan-- + And, now we come to think of it, why Dreyfus is the man! + At any rate (they argued thus), it is for him to show + That he is not the criminal who sold the Bordereau. + + Some hinted at another man, whose autograph it bore-- + But this was Dreyfus' artifice, and proved his guilt the more: + No motive for the horrid deed confessedly he had: + And crimes which are gratuitous are nearly twice as bad. + + They caught that Jew (did Government) and charged him with the sale; + They proved his guilt--or said they did--and shut him up in gaol; + And then, their case to justify and show their verdict true, + They took and baited every one who called himself a Jew. + + These incidents an uproar caused like Donnybrook its Fair: + Wherever Frenchmen met to talk 'twas Pandemonium there: + And anywhere except in France you'd argue from events + That Ministers had rather lost the public confidence. + + Then spake the German Government (and here I must deplore + The fact that they had not presumed to mention it before): + "Although," they said respectfully, "we would not interfere + With any Angelegenheit outside our proper sphere-- + + Why make this quite-essentially-unnecessary fuss? + This compromising document was never sold to us: + Potztausend!" said the Chancellor, "upon my honour, no! + We have not got and do not want your precious Bordereau!" + + This rather struck the Ministers, in Paris where they sat: + They took and read the Bordereau: they had not yet done that. + 'Twas found to mention obvious facts which any one might know-- + No horrid revelations lurked within the Bordereau! + + And did they set poor Dreyfus free, the due amends to make, + Regain the public confidence by owning their mistake, + And cease for popularity by sordid means to bid? + These are the things they might have done; but this is what they did:-- + + They said, those Gallic Ministers, "Undoubtedly it's true + The document has not been sold, and is not worth a _sou_; + But as the man's in prison now, why, there he's got to stay-- + _Que voulez-vous_?" they simply said, "it is a _Chose Jugee_!" + + This artless little narrative is specially designed + To illustrate the workings of the Gallic statesman's mind; + And till they change those processes and mould their ways anew, + It is not yet in Paris that I want to be a Jew. + + + + + UNSELFISH DEVOTION + + Ye Concerts who plan for the welfare of Man + and compose his occasional quarrels, + Whom we properly deem to be teachers supreme + in the sphere of Political Morals, + May you win the renown that your efforts should crown + and reward your assiduous labours + In arranging the cares and embarrassed affairs + that afflict your unfortunate neighbours! + + Should a potentate go for his national foe, + and, as soon as he's thoroughly licked him, + Should he dare to demand a concession of land + from his prostrate and paralyzed victim, + It is then you arise and his arm you arrest + when his harvest is ripe for the reaping, + And a people oppressed may in confidence rest + when it's safe in Diplomacy's keeping. + + It is you who protest in a horrified tone + at a hint of Integrity's danger, + And the victor is shown that a Concert alone + is of Law and of Fate the arranger: + With a warlike display of your fleets in array + and of Maxims (both empty and loaded) + You establish it plain that his notions of gain + are immoral and also exploded! + + Let the blasphemous cry that it's done with an eye + to your ultimate personal profit, + That your chivalrous task is but worn as a mask + till occasion allows you to doff it, + Let the caviller say that the victim to-day + is preserved from a final disaster, + And is saved from the Japs that to-morrow perhaps + he may furnish a meal for their master: + + Yet I cannot believe that what Concerts achieve + is by reasons ulterior dictated, + I am perfectly sure that their motives are pure + (by themselves it is frequently stated); + By themselves we are taught that they never in thought + could the Good with the Selfish commingle-- + What they do is designed for the good of mankind + with an eye that is simple and single! + + For whomever--_e.g._, let us say the Chinee-- + you have freed from the fear of invasion, + Should he presently seem in a posture to be + which is open to Moral Persuasion,-- + How you take him in hand, a philanthropist band! + how you toil to improve his condition, + With a noble disdain of the trouble and pain + of a wholly unselfish Partition! + + For it grieves you, of course, when--ignoring the force + which the doctrine of Mine and of Thine has-- + E'en Integrity's self you must lay on the shelf + (I allude, not to Europe's but China's)! + Let detractors contend that your means and your end + are the end and the means of the vulture-- + Such an altruist plan must betoken the man + who is bent on diffusion of culture. + + Be it yours to assuage for inadequate wage + our unseemly contentions and quarrels, + Be it yours to maintain your respectable reign + in the sphere of Political Morals; + And, relying no more on the shedding of gore + or the rule of torpedoes and sabres, + Make beneficent plots for dividing in lots + the domains of your paralyzed neighbours! + + + + + THE ARREST (1881) + + Come hither, Terence Mulligan, and sit upon the floor, + And list a tale of woe that's worse than all you heard before: + Of all the wrongs the Saxon's done since Erin's shores he trod + The blackest harm he's wrought us now--sure Doolan's put in quod! + + It was the Saxon minister, he said unto himself, + I'll never have a moment's peace till Doolan's on the shelf-- + So bid them make a warrant out and send it by the mail, + To put that daring patriot in dark Kilmainham gaol. + + The minions of authority, that document they wrote, + And Mr Buckshot took the thing upon the Dublin boat: + Och! sorra much he feared the waves, incessantly that roar, + For deeper flows the sea of blood he shed on Ireland's shore! + + But the hero slept unconscious still--tis kilt he was with work, + Haranguing of the multitudes in Waterford and Cork,-- + Till Buckshot and the polis came and rang the front door bell + Disturbing of his slumbers sweet in Morrison's Hotel. + + Then out and spake brave Morrison--"Get up, yer sowl, and run!" + (O bright shall shine on History's page the name of Morrison!) + "To see the light of Erin quenched I never could endure: + Slip on your boots--I'll let yez out upon the kitchen doore!" + + But proudly flashed the patriot's eye and he sternly answered--"No! + I'll never turn a craven back upon my country's foe: + Doolan aboo, for Liberty! . . . and anyhow" (says he) + "The Government's locked the kitchen-door and taken away the key." + + They seized him and they fettered him, those minions of the Law, + ('Twas Pat the Boots was looking on, and told me what he saw)-- + But sorra step that Uncrowned King would leave the place, until + A ten per cent reduction he had got upon his bill. + + Had I been there with odds to aid--say twenty men to one-- + It stirs my heart to think upon the deeds I might have done! + I wouldn't then be telling you the melancholy tale + How Ireland's pride imprisoned lies in dark Kilmainham gaol. + + Yet weep not, Erin, for thy son! 'tis he that's doing well, + For Ireland's thousands feed him there within his dungeon cell,-- + And if by chance he eats too much and his health begins to fail, + The Government then will let him out from black Kilmainham gaol! + + + + + "THE PLAN OF CAMPAIGN" + + (1890) + + Oh, wanst I was a tinant, an' I wisht I was one stilt, + With my cow an' pig an' praties, an' my cabin on the hill! + 'Twas plinty then I had to drink an' plinty too to ate, + And the childer had employment on the Ponsonby estate. + + It was in Tipperary town, as down the street I went, + I met with Mr Blarnigan, that sits in Parliament: + 'Tis he that has the eloquence! An' "Pay no rint," says he, + "For that's the way you'll get your land, an' set the country free." + + I'd paid my rint--sure, 'twas rejuiced--before the rows began, + An' the agent that was in it was a dacent kind of man; + But parties kem by moonlight now, and tould me I must not, + And if I paid it any more they'd surely have me shot. + + The agent said he'd take the half of all the rint I owed, + Because he'd be unwilling for to put me on the road: + I said, "I thank your honour, and in glory may you be! + But that is not the way," says I, "to set ould Ireland free." + + They kem an' put me out of that, and left me there forlorn, + Beside the empty ruins of the house where I was born: + I'm indepindent now myself, and have no work to do, + Until the day when Ireland is indepindent too. + + "A day will come," says Blarnigan, "when tyranny's o'erthrown-- + Just hould the rint a year or so, and all the land's your own!" + Well, 'tis not for the likes of me to question what they say, + But it's starved we'll be before we see that great and glorious day! + + This fighting against tyranny's a splendid kind of thrade, + For thim that goes to London for't, and gets their tickets paid! + I'm loafing on the road myself, an' sorra know I know + What way I'll live the winter through, an' where on earth I'll go. + + Oh, wanst I was a tinant, an' I wisht I was one still, + With my cow an' pig an' praties, an' my cabin on the hill! + Now it's to New York City that I'll have to cross the sea, + And all because I held my rint to set the counthry free. + + + + + THE PATRIOTS "POME" (1890) + + Ye shanties so airy of New Tipperary, + With walls and with floors of the national mud, + Where the home of the freeman mocks Tyranny's demon, + And the landlord and agent are nipped in the bud! + + No Saxon may venture those precincts to enter, + He is barred from their portals by Liberty's ban, + And we boycott each other, each patriot brother, + And safely deride the Emergency Man. + + Though the comfort exterior, perhaps, is inferior + To the homes you have left, on a casual view-- + With its excellent moral no person can quarrel, + Morality's always the weapon for you. + + 'Tis a duty you owe to your country's condition, + For her, to relinquish your homes and your pelf: + Were I placed (as I'm not) in a similar position, + I have no doubt at all I should do so myself. + + It is dastards alone who are ready to grovel, + And make themselves footballs for landlords to kick, + It is better by far to be free in a hovel + Than to owe for your rent in a palace of brick! + + When the Saxon invader has rows with his tenants, + It's absurd to assert that it's _nihil ad rem_ + To inflict on yourselves a gratuitous penance, + For it irritates him and encourages them. + + And it's always a mark of the National Party-- + Which their logical shrewdness distinctively shows-- + That each member is ready, with cheerfulness hearty, + When his face he would punish, to cut off his nose. + + So we still turn our backs on the gifts of the Saxon-- + Yes, Freedom itself, if they give it, contemn: + We would willingly have it from Parnell and Davitt, + But we'd sooner be slaves than accept it from them! + + + + + MR MORLEY'S APOLOGY (1893) + + We statesmen of Erin, Archbishops, M.P.'s, + and Leaders of National Thought, + Pray explain to your friends that I'm anxious + to please, if I do not succeed as I ought! + When I sympathize quite with their notions of right, + it is hard, as I'm sure you'll agree, + That an agent should come with a dynamite bomb, + which perhaps was intended for me! + + My views on the tenants evicted for debt + are identical wholly with yours, + And the fact that they're not in possession + as yet no statesman more deeply deplores: + I approve of explosives--they're often a link + which our union may serve to complete-- + But they're dangerous too, as I venture to think, + when employed in a populous street. + + I planned the Commission; I packed it with men + opposed to the payment of rent; + No landlord had ever evicted again if they + only had done what I meant: + It "adjourned," as I know, in a fortnight or so, + and it did not do much while it sat, + But I was not to blame if we failed in our aim-- + for I could not anticipate that. + + 'Tis a shame, I agree, that I cannot set free + all persons who kill the police; + That patriots leal who in dynamite deal + I can only in sections release: + But I think you must see that a statesman like me + has a character moral at stake, + And must simulate doubt as to letting them out, + for my Saxon constituents' sake. + + For their sentiments move in the narrowest groove-- + be thankful you are not like them! + Mere murder's an act which they seldom approve, + and are even inclined to condemn: + When the patriot blows up his friends or his foes, + those prejudiced Saxons among, + It is reckoned a flaw in his notion of law, + and he is not unfrequently hung. + + Then explain to your friends that their means and their ends + I wholly and fully approve, + Though at times what I feel I am forced to conceal, + and to partly dissemble my love, + And the Saxon, I hope, may develop the scope + of his narrow and obsolete view-- + He will alter in time his conception of crime, + on a longer acquaintance with You. + + + + + HONESTY REWARDED (1892). + + I have always regarded with wonder and awe + The conception of Justice embodied in Law: + For it dealt in a highly remarkable way + With Cornelius Molloy and with Peter O'Shea. + + Now, Peter O'Shea was by nature a serf, + And he paid (when he could) for his land and his turf: + But Cornelius, his friend, was a broth of a boy-- + The Sassenach's scourge was Cornelius Molloy. + + Cornelius adopted the Plan of Campaign, + And he tried to tempt Peter, but tempted in vain. + "'Twas the masther, not thim, I conthracted to pay: + 'Tis a quare kind of business," said Peter O'Shea. + + But the Plan of Campaign, as its authors confess, + Was not, on the whole, a decided success: + And the blackguardly minion whom tyrants employ + Evicted at last great Cornelius Molloy. + + The Saxon oppressor, still potent for harm, + Gave Peter a lease of Cornelius' farm: + Which Peter accepted with virtuous joy-- + For he lived quite adjacent to Mr Molloy. + + Cornelius was angry (and faith he'd a right), + So he came with a party to Peter's by night, + And they shot through the door, with intention to slay + That traitor and land-grabber, Peter O'Shea. + + Poor Peter was pained, but he scorned to show fear: + "Sure the law will protect me so long as I'm here: + 'Tis an iligant holding and little to pay; + Och! 'twas only wid shnipe-shot!" said Pether O'Shea. + + But the Liberal Party observed with dismay + The outrageous proceedings of Peter O'Shea; + And Mr O'Kelly, our pride and our joy, + Made a law for restoring Cornelius Molloy. + + Cornelius came back to his former abode, + And Peter was houseless, and starved on the road: + For Justice, whose methods O'Kelly can tell, + Gave Cornelius _his_ holding and Peter's as well. + + It is this which inspires us with feelings of awe + For the standards of Justice embodied in Law: + And tenants, the law when inclined to obey, + Will be cheered by the instance of Peter O'Shea. + + + + + THE END OF IT + + Must we then cease to exist as a party, + Sink to the items that once we have been, + All for the scruples of Justin M'Carthy, + All for Committee-Room No. 15? + + This is the end of a decade of labour, + Blood that we might have--conceivably--shed, + Daily incitements to boycott your neighbour, + Daily allusions to ounces of lead! + + Is it for this that the champion whose speeches + Fear not to mention the year '98 + Sleeps on a plank and is robbed of his breeches, + Loses some pounds of his natural weight? + + These, it would seem, are that patriot's wages-- + Only to hear that the battle is o'er, + Only to blot from our history's pages + Memories of Mitchelstown, tales of Gweedore! + + All the great days of the row and the ruction, + Days on the hillside and nights in the House, + When by persistent and careful obstruction + Saxons were kept from their yachts and their grouse: + + All was a dream unsubstantial and airy-- + Tenants are cravens, and landlords are paid: + Lone and deserted is New Tipperary, + Lodgings to let in O'Brien Arcade! + + Some are for Redmond and some for M'Carthy, + All are the items that once they have been: + This is the end of the National Party, + All for Committee-Room No. 15. + + + + + A NEW DEPARTURE + + SHOULD IRELAND SEND HER M.P.S TO WASHINGTON? + + Oh, the Irish M.P.s they are bound for the seas, + to the country of Cleveland and Blaine, + And I hear for a fact, their portmanteaus are packed + and we never shall see them again, + And Hibernia thrills through her valleys and hills + with a passionate cry of farewell, + While the manager weeps as they're paying their bills, + in the "Westminster Palace hotel! + + Though he lived all the while in the highest of style + and was fed at his country's expense, + Yet he felt (did the Celt) that in Meshech he dwelt, + and resided in Kedar its tents, + And he yearned in his heart to be playing a part + in a higher and holier sphere-- + For his soul was alight with a zeal for the Right + that we cannot appreciate here. + + Oh, the story is long of the villainous wrong + he endured from the Sassenach reign, + How he languished for weeks, minus freedom (and breeks), + for supporting the Plan of Campaign; + How, when statesmen arose, to diminish his woes, + and the tide of oppression to stem, + We ejected the friends who promoted his ends, + and refused to be guided by them. + + For the Tories have won, and the party is gone + that he ruled with his counsel and swayed, + And there's no one cares _that_ for the suffrage of Pat + or will stoop to solicit his aid: + So the sons of the Gael have determined to sail + for the regions serene of the West, + Where a Balfour's police from their bludgeoning cease, + and the Patriot weary may rest! + + 'Tis in Congress he'll find the intelligent mind + which is able to probe to the roots + The malignant intrigue that endangers the League, + and M'Carthy's and Dillon's disputes,-- + Which is sure to postpone all affairs of its own + and to list to Tim Healy intent + When he takes up the tale of Compulsory Sale, + or complete abolition of rent. + + There'll be wigs on the green (as in No. 15) + and the usual trailing of coats, + For I happen to know Mr Redmond will go, + --by a separate service of boats:-- + And O'Brien will show, while he jumps on his foe + and his blood fratricidally sheds, + That the Union of Hearts of necessity starts + from a general breaking of heads. + + The Hibernian M.P.s are afloat on the seas, + the debates of the West to control, + And the thought of their scheme's a magnificent dream + which may calm our disconsolate soul: + For if ever the Yanks should return them with thanks + and consider their presence a bore, + We have plenty of cranks in the Radical ranks, + and can always supply them with more! + + + + + MULLIGAN ON THE AUSTRIAN PARLIAMENT + + It was a gallant Irishman, and thus I heard him sing-- + "To legislate at Westminster's a dull decorous thing: + But O in merry Austria's deliberative hall, + Bedad, the fun and divilment is simply _kolossal_! + + "No base procedure rules restrain those wild untutored Czechs, + They have no vile formalities the patriot's soul to vex: + While we must catch the Speaker's eye before a word is said, + In free and happy Austria they blacken it instead. + + "Cold water oft on me to throw is Mr Gully's whim, + But Dr Abrahamovitch has buckets thrown on him: + Quite pleasant and familiar are their dealings with the Chair-- + We 'pull' sometimes the Speaker's 'leg'--they always pull his hair! + + "When, for my own metropolis, I quit this formal scene, + And Ireland's native Parliament shall sit in College-green, + To keep the fun alive and fresh we'll bring a Czech or two + (The Czechs but not the Balances that Mr Gladstone knew): + + "We'll have no dictatorial rule--no Peels or Gullys there-- + But Dr Abrahamovitch shall fill the Speaker's chair: + 'Tis he shall guide by gentle arts our legislative aims, + While Mr Dillon tweaks his nose and Healy calls him names." + + It was an Irish patriot, and thus I heard him say-- + "O set me in Vienna's walls, beneath the Kaiser's sway! + For since Home Rule I cannot get, 'tis there that I would be, + A-chivying the President, an Austrian M.P.!" + + + + + BROKEN VOWS + + O party, pledged in years agone to change our sad condition, + How have you left your task undone and quite resigned your Mission! + How changed the time since tongue and pen our feuds combined to smother, + And Harcourt walked with Healy then as brother walks with brother! + + We from Coercion's darkest gloom saw Erin's star re-risen, + You hob-and-nobbed with patriots, whom yourselves had sent to prison: + It was our schemes of mutual good such close allies that made us: + You spoke as we decreed you should, we voted as you bade us: + + 'Twas we, when fain you were to fare on Office' loaves and fishes, + 'Twas we alone who put you there despite your country's wishes: + While you, when some our acts would blame, proved nought + could be absurder + Than rent to call a legal claim, or landlord-shooting murder. + + Yet why recount our ancient loves which now you turn your backs on? + The maxim old it only proves--you ne'er should trust a Saxon: + Deceitful still, his promised plan he docks, interprets, hedges, + And when he thinks he safely can, he turns and breaks his pledges! + + True Celts despise the paltry baits wherewith you try to feed 'em: + What! offer your diminished rates to men who pine for Freedom! + On County Councils ne'er can thrive a People's aspirations, + No local Government can give a place among the Nations! + + Begone! to swell the Jingo train and ape the tricks of Tories: + Let Rosebery share with Chamberlain his cheap Imperial glories: + Let Primrose Leaguers' base applause to Duty's promptings blind you-- + Desert an outraged nation's cause, and take this curse behind you;-- + + Expect your doom, ye Liberals! though now you scorn and flout us, + Full soon within St Stephen's walls you'll fare but ill without us; + No more to us for succour come, for when you most would have it, + It will not be forthcoming from yours truly, MICHAEL DAVITT! + + + + + THE TRUE REMEDY (1898) + + The angry Gael to sooth you'll fail--the wrongs he lays your door at + It won't redress to pay his cess and nearly all his poor rate: + 'Tis useless quite to calm his spite by show'ring blessings o'er him, + While still he lacks the O's and Macs his fathers had before him! + + But now, to close the tale of woes which long had tried our patience, + Great MacAleese cements a peace between the warring nations; + No more the swords of Saxon hordes are rankling in our vitals, + For Erin's shore enjoys once more her ancient styles and titles. + + O long ago had things been so ere feud had rent our party, + And Parnell those for leader chose while these preferred McCarthy, + I doubt not but the Cause had cut a fat superior figure, + If, better led, we'd had for head O'Parnell and MacBiggar! + + 'Twas hard to spot the patriot when parties mingled freely, + And Labouchere at times would share the politics of Healy; + A symbol new and plain to view from such mistakes will free him-- + By Mac and O you'll always know a patriot when you see him: + + This shibboleth shall bind till death, without respect of faction, + In mutual love, all persons of Hibernian extraction: + I see them stand, a gallant band, agreed each question vexed on, + O'Saunderson in heart at one with Dillon and MacSexton! + + And when we've found Home Rule All Round the only panacea, + The Welsh perhaps will all be Aps--the Scotchmen Macs as we are-- + While Englishmen will sorrow then, in shame and degradation, + To think they've not the titles got which really make a Nation. + + + + + UNITED IRELAND + + "Here's your fery good health, + And tamn ta Whuskey Duty!" + + + Though Hibernians for long in dissension have dwelt + (As a dog that resides with a cat), + There's a bond that the Saxon allies to the Celt-- + They are perfectly solid on that! + And if ever their union is marred by a flaw, + It is due to the craven who shrinks + From proclaiming aloud the immutable law, + That he ought not to pay for his drinks. + + They have differed at times on the theme of Repeal + (As I gather from platform and press), + And the language they used in their patriot zeal + Was intended to wound and distress: + But at last they are joined by a brotherly love, + And his anger the patriot sinks, + For his eloquence now is directed to prove + That he ought not to pay for his drinks. + + There were times when the payment that landlords demand + Was a source of continual woe, + When the tenant preferred to adhere to his land, + And the agent preferred him to go: + When their claims to adjust and the balance to strike + Was a riddle to baffle the Sphinx,-- + But they're reconciled now, by resolving alike + That they never will pay for their drinks. + + There's an influence soft, which has calmed and assuaged + The contentions of Orange and Green: + It has silenced the wars that were formerly waged + In Committee Room Number Fifteen: + For in Cork and Belfast they're united at last + By the strongest and surest of links, + And together they go for the Sassenach foe + Who has asked them to pay for their drinks! + + + + + JUSTICE FOR PRIVATE MULVANEY + + There's a gentleman called Doolan with an eloquence would charm ye + When he talks of shooting landlords and of peaceful themes like that: + But I'd like to undesave him on the subject of the Army-- + Sure the things he says about us are the idlest kind of chat! + We are all (says he) seditious, and the most of us is Fenians: + (And it's true I am a Fenian when I find meself at home:) + But he says we're that devoted to our patriot opinions + That we would not face the foeman when the marching orders come! + + Is it that way, Misther Doolan, that you'd see your country righted? + Troth, to many in the Service 'twill be information new + That they'd lave the flag they followed and betray + the faith they plighted + To be comrades and companions of a gentleman like you! + Tisn't mutiny and treason will make Ireland e'er a nation: + No, we never yet were traitors, though we're rebels now and then! + For your country's name to tarnish and disgrace her reputation-- + Faith! it may be "patriotic," but it isn't fit for men. + + Would we shame those valiant Irishmen, the lads of Meath and Mallow, + Them that fought with Moore and Beresford through many a hard campaign, + Men that dared the Saxon follow, with a roaring "Faugh-a-ballagh," + And that shed their blood like water on the stricken fields of Spain? + Would we shame our bold companions and the land, the land that bore us, + And the gallant boys that led us, and the rattling days we've seen, + When we drove the foe before us with the "Shan Van Voght" in chorus, + And we stormed his mountain stronghold to "The Wearing of the Green?" + + Though we've cursed the name of England: though in faith + and blood we're aliens: + Though we're bred to hate the Union as an Irishman should do-- + Yet we're shoulder still to shoulder in the Englishman's battalions, + And the soldier's pride in Erin is the pledge that he'll be true. + No! if e'er the day is coming of an Irish host's uniting, + When they march to meet the Saxon, with the green above the red, + 'Mid the ranks of England's foemen 'tisn't we that will be fighting-- + --And it isn't Mr Doolan will be marching at their head! 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