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FOR __ COMPLETE SHAKESPEARE **** +["Small Print" V.12.08.93] + +<<THIS ELECTRONIC VERSION OF THE COMPLETE WORKS OF WILLIAM +SHAKESPEARE IS COPYRIGHT 1990-1993 BY WORLD LIBRARY, INC., AND IS +PROVIDED BY PROJECT GUTENBERG ETEXT OF CARNEGIE MELLON UNIVERSITY +WITH PERMISSION. ELECTRONIC AND MACHINE READABLE COPIES MAY BE +DISTRIBUTED SO LONG AS SUCH COPIES (1) ARE FOR YOUR OR OTHERS +PERSONAL USE ONLY, AND (2) ARE NOT DISTRIBUTED OR USED +COMMERCIALLY. PROHIBITED COMMERCIAL DISTRIBUTION INCLUDES BY ANY +SERVICE THAT CHARGES FOR DOWNLOAD TIME OR FOR MEMBERSHIP.>> + + + + + +1601 + +THE MERRY WIVES OF WINDSOR + +by William Shakespeare + + + +Dramatis Personae + + SIR JOHN FALSTAFF + FENTON, a young gentleman + SHALLOW, a country justice + SLENDER, cousin to Shallow + + Gentlemen of Windsor + FORD + PAGE + WILLIAM PAGE, a boy, son to Page + SIR HUGH EVANS, a Welsh parson + DOCTOR CAIUS, a French physician + HOST of the Garter Inn + + Followers of Falstaff + BARDOLPH + PISTOL + NYM + ROBIN, page to Falstaff + SIMPLE, servant to Slender + RUGBY, servant to Doctor Caius + + MISTRESS FORD + MISTRESS PAGE + MISTRESS ANNE PAGE, her daughter + MISTRESS QUICKLY, servant to Doctor Caius + SERVANTS to Page, Ford, etc. + + + + +<<THIS ELECTRONIC VERSION OF THE COMPLETE WORKS OF WILLIAM +SHAKESPEARE IS COPYRIGHT 1990-1993 BY WORLD LIBRARY, INC., AND IS +PROVIDED BY PROJECT GUTENBERG ETEXT OF CARNEGIE MELLON UNIVERSITY +WITH PERMISSION. ELECTRONIC AND MACHINE READABLE COPIES MAY BE +DISTRIBUTED SO LONG AS SUCH COPIES (1) ARE FOR YOUR OR OTHERS +PERSONAL USE ONLY, AND (2) ARE NOT DISTRIBUTED OR USED +COMMERCIALLY. PROHIBITED COMMERCIAL DISTRIBUTION INCLUDES BY ANY +SERVICE THAT CHARGES FOR DOWNLOAD TIME OR FOR MEMBERSHIP.>> + + + +SCENE: +Windsor, and the neighbourhood + + +The Merry Wives of Windsor + + + +ACT I. SCENE 1. + +Windsor. Before PAGE'S house + +Enter JUSTICE SHALLOW, SLENDER, and SIR HUGH EVANS + + SHALLOW. Sir Hugh, persuade me not; I will make a Star + Chamber matter of it; if he were twenty Sir John Falstaffs, + he shall not abuse Robert Shallow, esquire. + SLENDER. In the county of Gloucester, Justice of Peace, and + Coram. + SHALLOW. Ay, cousin Slender, and Custalorum. + SLENDER. Ay, and Ratolorum too; and a gentleman born, + Master Parson, who writes himself 'Armigero' in any bill, + warrant, quittance, or obligation-'Armigero.' + SHALLOW. Ay, that I do; and have done any time these three + hundred years. + SLENDER. All his successors, gone before him, hath done't; + and all his ancestors, that come after him, may: they may + give the dozen white luces in their coat. + SHALLOW. It is an old coat. + EVANS. The dozen white louses do become an old coat well; + it agrees well, passant; it is a familiar beast to man, and + signifies love. + SHALLOW. The luce is the fresh fish; the salt fish is an old + coat. + SLENDER. I may quarter, coz. + SHALLOW. You may, by marrying. + EVANS. It is marring indeed, if he quarter it. + SHALLOW. Not a whit. + EVANS. Yes, py'r lady! If he has a quarter of your coat, there + is but three skirts for yourself, in my simple conjectures; + but that is all one. If Sir John Falstaff have committed + disparagements unto you, I am of the church, and will be + glad to do my benevolence, to make atonements and + compremises between you. + SHALLOW. The Council shall hear it; it is a riot. + EVANS. It is not meet the Council hear a riot; there is no + fear of Got in a riot; the Council, look you, shall desire + to hear the fear of Got, and not to hear a riot; take your + vizaments in that. + SHALLOW. Ha! o' my life, if I were young again, the sword + should end it. + EVANS. It is petter that friends is the sword and end it; + and there is also another device in my prain, which + peradventure prings goot discretions with it. There is Anne + Page, which is daughter to Master George Page, which is + pretty virginity. + SLENDER. Mistress Anne Page? She has brown hair, and + speaks small like a woman. + EVANS. It is that fery person for all the orld, as just as you + will desire; and seven hundred pounds of moneys, and + gold, and silver, is her grandsire upon his death's-bed-Got + deliver to a joyful resurrections!-give, when she is able to + overtake seventeen years old. It were a goot motion if we + leave our pribbles and prabbles, and desire a marriage + between Master Abraham and Mistress Anne Page. + SHALLOW. Did her grandsire leave her seven hundred pound? + EVANS. Ay, and her father is make her a petter penny. + SHALLOW. I know the young gentlewoman; she has good + gifts. + EVANS. Seven hundred pounds, and possibilities, is goot gifts. + SHALLOW. Well, let us see honest Master Page. Is Falstaff + there? + EVANS. Shall I tell you a lie? I do despise a liar as I do + despise one that is false; or as I despise one that is not + true. The knight Sir John is there; and, I beseech you, be + ruled by your well-willers. I will peat the door for Master + Page. + [Knocks] What, hoa! Got pless your house here! + PAGE. [Within] Who's there? + + Enter PAGE + + EVANS. Here is Got's plessing, and your friend, and Justice + Shallow; and here young Master Slender, that peradventures + shall tell you another tale, if matters grow to your + likings. + PAGE. I am glad to see your worships well. I thank you for + my venison, Master Shallow. + SHALLOW. Master Page, I am glad to see you; much good do + it your good heart! I wish'd your venison better; it was ill + kill'd. How doth good Mistress Page?-and I thank you + always with my heart, la! with my heart. + PAGE. Sir, I thank you. + SHALLOW. Sir, I thank you; by yea and no, I do. + PAGE. I am glad to see you, good Master Slender. + SLENDER. How does your fallow greyhound, sir? I heard say + he was outrun on Cotsall. + PAGE. It could not be judg'd, sir. + SLENDER. You'll not confess, you'll not confess. + SHALLOW. That he will not. 'Tis your fault; 'tis your fault; + 'tis a good dog. + PAGE. A cur, sir. + SHALLOW. Sir, he's a good dog, and a fair dog. Can there be + more said? He is good, and fair. Is Sir John Falstaff here? + PAGE. Sir, he is within; and I would I could do a good office + between you. + EVANS. It is spoke as a Christians ought to speak. + SHALLOW. He hath wrong'd me, Master Page. + PAGE. Sir, he doth in some sort confess it. + SHALLOW. If it be confessed, it is not redressed; is not that + so, Master Page? He hath wrong'd me; indeed he hath; at a + word, he hath, believe me; Robert Shallow, esquire, saith + he is wronged. + PAGE. Here comes Sir John. + + Enter SIR JOHN FALSTAFF, BARDOLPH, NYM, and PISTOL + + FALSTAFF. Now, Master Shallow, you'll complain of me to + the King? + SHALLOW. Knight, you have beaten my men, kill'd my deer, + and broke open my lodge. + FALSTAFF. But not kiss'd your keeper's daughter. + SHALLOW. Tut, a pin! this shall be answer'd. + FALSTAFF. I will answer it straight: I have done all this. + That is now answer'd. + SHALLOW. The Council shall know this. + FALSTAFF. 'Twere better for you if it were known in counsel: + you'll be laugh'd at. + EVANS. Pauca verba, Sir John; goot worts. + FALSTAFF. Good worts! good cabbage! Slender, I broke your + head; what matter have you against me? + SLENDER. Marry, sir, I have matter in my head against you; + and against your cony-catching rascals, Bardolph, Nym, + and Pistol. They carried me to the tavern, and made me + drunk, and afterwards pick'd my pocket. + BARDOLPH. You Banbury cheese! + SLENDER. Ay, it is no matter. + PISTOL. How now, Mephostophilus! + SLENDER. Ay, it is no matter. + NYM. Slice, I say! pauca, pauca; slice! That's my humour. + SLENDER. Where's Simple, my man? Can you tell, cousin? + EVANS. Peace, I pray you. Now let us understand. There is + three umpires in this matter, as I understand: that is, + Master Page, fidelicet Master Page; and there is myself, + fidelicet myself; and the three party is, lastly and + finally, mine host of the Garter. + PAGE. We three to hear it and end it between them. + EVANS. Fery goot. I will make a prief of it in my note-book; + and we will afterwards ork upon the cause with as great + discreetly as we can. + FALSTAFF. Pistol! + PISTOL. He hears with ears. + EVANS. The tevil and his tam! What phrase is this, 'He hears + with ear'? Why, it is affectations. + FALSTAFF. Pistol, did you pick Master Slender's purse? + SLENDER. Ay, by these gloves, did he-or I would I might + never come in mine own great chamber again else!-of + seven groats in mill-sixpences, and two Edward + shovel-boards that cost me two shilling and two pence apiece + of Yead Miller, by these gloves. + FALSTAFF. Is this true, Pistol? + EVANS. No, it is false, if it is a pick-purse. + PISTOL. Ha, thou mountain-foreigner! Sir John and master + mine, + I combat challenge of this latten bilbo. + Word of denial in thy labras here! + Word of denial! Froth and scum, thou liest. + SLENDER. By these gloves, then, 'twas he. + NYM. Be avis'd, sir, and pass good humours; I will say + 'marry trap' with you, if you run the nuthook's humour on + me; that is the very note of it. + SLENDER. By this hat, then, he in the red face had it; for + though I cannot remember what I did when you made me + drunk, yet I am not altogether an ass. + FALSTAFF. What say you, Scarlet and John? + BARDOLPH. Why, sir, for my part, I say the gentleman had + drunk himself out of his five sentences. + EVANS. It is his five senses; fie, what the ignorance is! + BARDOLPH. And being fap, sir, was, as they say, cashier'd; + and so conclusions pass'd the careers. + SLENDER. Ay, you spake in Latin then too; but 'tis no matter; + I'll ne'er be drunk whilst I live again, but in honest, + civil, godly company, for this trick. If I be drunk, I'll be + drunk with those that have the fear of God, and not with + drunken knaves. + EVANS. So Got udge me, that is a virtuous mind. + FALSTAFF. You hear all these matters deni'd, gentlemen; you + hear it. + + Enter MISTRESS ANNE PAGE with wine; MISTRESS + FORD and MISTRESS PAGE, following + + PAGE. Nay, daughter, carry the wine in; we'll drink within. + Exit ANNE PAGE + SLENDER. O heaven! this is Mistress Anne Page. + PAGE. How now, Mistress Ford! + FALSTAFF. Mistress Ford, by my troth, you are very well + met; by your leave, good mistress. [Kisses her] + PAGE. Wife, bid these gentlemen welcome. Come, we have a + hot venison pasty to dinner; come, gentlemen, I hope we + shall drink down all unkindness. + Exeunt all but SHALLOW, SLENDER, and EVANS + SLENDER. I had rather than forty shillings I had my Book of + Songs and Sonnets here. + + Enter SIMPLE + + How, Simple! Where have you been? I must wait on + myself, must I? You have not the Book of Riddles about you, + have you? + SIMPLE. Book of Riddles! Why, did you not lend it to Alice + Shortcake upon Allhallowmas last, a fortnight afore + Michaelmas? + SHALLOW. Come, coz; come, coz; we stay for you. A word + with you, coz; marry, this, coz: there is, as 'twere, a + tender, a kind of tender, made afar off by Sir Hugh here. Do + you understand me? + SLENDER. Ay, sir, you shall find me reasonable; if it be so, I + shall do that that is reason. + SHALLOW. Nay, but understand me. + SLENDER. So I do, sir. + EVANS. Give ear to his motions: Master Slender, I will + description the matter to you, if you be capacity of it. + SLENDER. Nay, I will do as my cousin Shallow says; I pray + you pardon me; he's a justice of peace in his country, + simple though I stand here. + EVANS. But that is not the question. The question is + concerning your marriage. + SHALLOW. Ay, there's the point, sir. + EVANS. Marry is it; the very point of it; to Mistress Anne + Page. + SLENDER. Why, if it be so, I will marry her upon any + reasonable demands. + EVANS. But can you affection the oman? Let us command to + know that of your mouth or of your lips; for divers +philosophers + hold that the lips is parcel of the mouth. Therefore, + precisely, can you carry your good will to the maid? + SHALLOW. Cousin Abraham Slender, can you love her? + SLENDER. I hope, sir, I will do as it shall become one that + would do reason. + EVANS. Nay, Got's lords and his ladies! you must speak +possitable, + if you can carry her your desires towards her. + SHALLOW. That you must. Will you, upon good dowry, + marry her? + SLENDER. I will do a greater thing than that upon your request, + cousin, in any reason. + SHALLOW. Nay, conceive me, conceive me, sweet coz; what + I do is to pleasure you, coz. Can you love the maid? + SLENDER. I will marry her, sir, at your request; but if there + be no great love in the beginning, yet heaven may decrease + it upon better acquaintance, when we are married and + have more occasion to know one another. I hope upon + familiarity will grow more contempt. But if you say + 'marry her,' I will marry her; that I am freely dissolved, + and dissolutely. + EVANS. It is a fery discretion answer, save the fall is in the + ord 'dissolutely': the ort is, according to our meaning, + 'resolutely'; his meaning is good. + SHALLOW. Ay, I think my cousin meant well. + SLENDER. Ay, or else I would I might be hang'd, la! + + Re-enter ANNE PAGE + + SHALLOW. Here comes fair Mistress Anne. Would I were + young for your sake, Mistress Anne! + ANNE. The dinner is on the table; my father desires your + worships' company. + SHALLOW. I will wait on him, fair Mistress Anne! + EVANS. Od's plessed will! I will not be absence at the grace. + Exeunt SHALLOW and EVANS + ANNE. Will't please your worship to come in, sir? + SLENDER. No, I thank you, forsooth, heartily; I am very + well. + ANNE. The dinner attends you, sir. + SLENDER. I am not a-hungry, I thank you, forsooth. Go, + sirrah, for all you are my man, go wait upon my cousin + Shallow. [Exit SIMPLE] A justice of peace sometime may + be beholding to his friend for a man. I keep but three men + and a boy yet, till my mother be dead. But what though? + Yet I live like a poor gentleman born. + ANNE. I may not go in without your worship; they will not + sit till you come. + SLENDER. I' faith, I'll eat nothing; I thank you as much as + though I did. + ANNE. I pray you, sir, walk in. + SLENDER. I had rather walk here, I thank you. I bruis'd my + shin th' other day with playing at sword and dagger with + a master of fence-three veneys for a dish of stew'd prunes + -and, I with my ward defending my head, he hot my shin, + and, by my troth, I cannot abide the smell of hot meat + since. Why do your dogs bark so? Be there bears i' th' + town? + ANNE. I think there are, sir; I heard them talk'd of. + SLENDER. I love the sport well; but I shall as soon quarrel at + it as any man in England. You are afraid, if you see the + bear loose, are you not? + ANNE. Ay, indeed, sir. + SLENDER. That's meat and drink to me now. I have seen + Sackerson loose twenty times, and have taken him by the + chain; but I warrant you, the women have so cried and + shriek'd at it that it pass'd; but women, indeed, cannot + abide 'em; they are very ill-favour'd rough things. + + Re-enter PAGE + + PAGE. Come, gentle Master Slender, come; we stay for you. + SLENDER. I'll eat nothing, I thank you, sir. + PAGE. By cock and pie, you shall not choose, sir! Come, + come. + SLENDER. Nay, pray you lead the way. + PAGE. Come on, sir. + SLENDER. Mistress Anne, yourself shall go first. + ANNE. Not I, sir; pray you keep on. + SLENDER. Truly, I will not go first; truly, la! I will not do + you that wrong. + ANNE. I pray you, sir. + SLENDER. I'll rather be unmannerly than troublesome. You + do yourself wrong indeed, la! Exeunt + + + + +SCENE 2. + +Before PAGE'S house + +Enter SIR HUGH EVANS and SIMPLE + + EVANS. Go your ways, and ask of Doctor Caius' house which + is the way; and there dwells one Mistress Quickly, which + is in the manner of his nurse, or his dry nurse, or his cook, + or his laundry, his washer, and his wringer. + SIMPLE. Well, sir. + EVANS. Nay, it is petter yet. Give her this letter; for it is a + oman that altogether's acquaintance with Mistress Anne + Page; and the letter is to desire and require her to solicit + your master's desires to Mistress Anne Page. I pray you + be gone. I will make an end of my dinner; there's pippins + and cheese to come. Exeunt + + + + +SCENE 3. + +The Garter Inn + +Enter FALSTAFF, HOST, BARDOLPH, NYM, PISTOL, and ROBIN + + FALSTAFF. Mine host of the Garter! + HOST. What says my bully rook? Speak scholarly and + wisely. + FALSTAFF. Truly, mine host, I must turn away some of my + followers. + HOST. Discard, bully Hercules; cashier; let them wag; trot, + trot. + FALSTAFF. I sit at ten pounds a week. + HOST. Thou'rt an emperor-Caesar, Keiser, and Pheazar. I + will entertain Bardolph; he shall draw, he shall tap; said I + well, bully Hector? + FALSTAFF. Do so, good mine host. + HOST. I have spoke; let him follow. [To BARDOLPH] Let me + see thee froth and lime. I am at a word; follow. Exit HOST + FALSTAFF. Bardolph, follow him. A tapster is a good trade; + an old cloak makes a new jerkin; a wither'd serving-man a + fresh tapster. Go; adieu. + BARDOLPH. It is a life that I have desir'd; I will thrive. + PISTOL. O base Hungarian wight! Wilt thou the spigot + wield? Exit BARDOLPH + NYM. He was gotten in drink. Is not the humour conceited? + FALSTAFF. I am glad I am so acquit of this tinder-box: his + thefts were too open; his filching was like an unskilful + singer-he kept not time. + NYM. The good humour is to steal at a minute's rest. + PISTOL. 'Convey' the wise it call. 'Steal' foh! A fico for the + phrase! + FALSTAFF. Well, sirs, I am almost out at heels. + PISTOL. Why, then, let kibes ensue. + FALSTAFF. There is no remedy; I must cony-catch; I must + shift. + PISTOL. Young ravens must have food. + FALSTAFF. Which of you know Ford of this town? + PISTOL. I ken the wight; he is of substance good. + FALSTAFF. My honest lads, I will tell you what I am about. + PISTOL. Two yards, and more. + FALSTAFF. No quips now, Pistol. Indeed, I am in the waist + two yards about; but I am now about no waste; I am about + thrift. Briefly, I do mean to make love to Ford's wife; I + spy entertainment in her; she discourses, she carves, she + gives the leer of invitation; I can construe the action of +her + familiar style; and the hardest voice of her behaviour, to be + English'd rightly, is 'I am Sir John Falstaff's.' + PISTOL. He hath studied her well, and translated her will out + of honesty into English. + NYM. The anchor is deep; will that humour pass? + FALSTAFF. Now, the report goes she has all the rule of her + husband's purse; he hath a legion of angels. + PISTOL. As many devils entertain; and 'To her, boy,' say I. + NYM. The humour rises; it is good; humour me the angels. + FALSTAFF. I have writ me here a letter to her; and here + another to Page's wife, who even now gave me good eyes + too, examin'd my parts with most judicious oeillades; + sometimes the beam of her view gilded my foot, sometimes my + portly belly. + PISTOL. Then did the sun on dunghill shine. + NYM. I thank thee for that humour. + FALSTAFF. O, she did so course o'er my exteriors with such + a greedy intention that the appetite of her eye did seem to + scorch me up like a burning-glass! Here's another letter to + her. She bears the purse too; she is a region in Guiana, all + gold and bounty. I will be cheaters to them both, and they + shall be exchequers to me; they shall be my East and West + Indies, and I will trade to them both. Go, bear thou this + letter to Mistress Page; and thou this to Mistress Ford. We + will thrive, lads, we will thrive. + PISTOL. Shall I Sir Pandarus of Troy become, + And by my side wear steel? Then Lucifer take all! + NYM. I will run no base humour. Here, take the + humour-letter; I will keep the haviour of reputation. + FALSTAFF. [To ROBIN] Hold, sirrah; bear you these letters + tightly; + Sail like my pinnace to these golden shores. + Rogues, hence, avaunt! vanish like hailstones, go; + Trudge, plod away i' th' hoof; seek shelter, pack! + Falstaff will learn the humour of the age; + French thrift, you rogues; myself, and skirted page. + Exeunt FALSTAFF and ROBIN + PISTOL. Let vultures gripe thy guts! for gourd and fullam + holds, + And high and low beguiles the rich and poor; + Tester I'll have in pouch when thou shalt lack, + Base Phrygian Turk! + NYM. I have operations in my head which be humours of + revenge. + PISTOL. Wilt thou revenge? + NYM. By welkin and her star! + PISTOL. With wit or steel? + NYM. With both the humours, I. + I will discuss the humour of this love to Page. + PISTOL. And I to Ford shall eke unfold + How Falstaff, varlet vile, + His dove will prove, his gold will hold, + And his soft couch defile. + NYM. My humour shall not cool; I will incense Page to deal + with poison; I will possess him with yellowness; for the + revolt of mine is dangerous. That is my true humour. + PISTOL. Thou art the Mars of malcontents; I second thee; + troop on. Exeunt + + + + +SCENE 4. + +DOCTOR CAIUS'S house + +Enter MISTRESS QUICKLY, SIMPLE, and RUGBY + + QUICKLY. What, John Rugby! I pray thee go to the casement + and see if you can see my master, Master Doctor + Caius, coming. If he do, i' faith, and find anybody in the + house, here will be an old abusing of God's patience and + the King's English. + RUGBY. I'll go watch. + QUICKLY. Go; and we'll have a posset for't soon at night, in + faith, at the latter end of a sea-coal fire. [Exit RUGBY] +An + honest, willing, kind fellow, as ever servant shall come in + house withal; and, I warrant you, no tell-tale nor no + breed-bate; his worst fault is that he is given to prayer; he +is + something peevish that way; but nobody but has his fault; + but let that pass. Peter Simple you say your name is? + SIMPLE. Ay, for fault of a better. + QUICKLY. And Master Slender's your master? + SIMPLE. Ay, forsooth. + QUICKLY. Does he not wear a great round beard, like a + glover's paring-knife? + SIMPLE. No, forsooth; he hath but a little whey face, with a + little yellow beard, a Cain-colour'd beard. + QUICKLY. A softly-sprighted man, is he not? + SIMPLE. Ay, forsooth; but he is as tall a man of his hands as + any is between this and his head; he hath fought with a + warrener. + QUICKLY. How say you? O, I should remember him. Does + he not hold up his head, as it were, and strut in his gait? + SIMPLE. Yes, indeed, does he. + QUICKLY. Well, heaven send Anne Page no worse fortune! + Tell Master Parson Evans I will do what I can for your + master. Anne is a good girl, and I wish- + + Re-enter RUGBY + + RUGBY. Out, alas! here comes my master. + QUICKLY. We shall all be shent. Run in here, good young + man; go into this closet. [Shuts SIMPLE in the closet] He + will not stay long. What, John Rugby! John! what, John, + I say! Go, John, go inquire for my master; I doubt he be + not well that he comes not home. [Singing] + And down, down, adown-a, etc. + + Enter DOCTOR CAIUS + + CAIUS. Vat is you sing? I do not like des toys. Pray you, go + and vetch me in my closet un boitier vert-a box, a green-a + box. Do intend vat I speak? A green-a box. + QUICKLY. Ay, forsooth, I'll fetch it you. [Aside] I am glad + he went not in himself; if he had found the young man, + he would have been horn-mad. + CAIUS. Fe, fe, fe fe! ma foi, il fait fort chaud. Je m'en vais +a + la cour-la grande affaire. + QUICKLY. Is it this, sir? + CAIUS. Oui; mette le au mon pocket: depeche, quickly. Vere + is dat knave, Rugby? + QUICKLY. What, John Rugby? John! + RUGBY. Here, sir. + CAIUS. You are John Rugby, and you are Jack Rugby. + Come, take-a your rapier, and come after my heel to the + court. + RUGBY. 'Tis ready, sir, here in the porch. + CAIUS. By my trot, I tarry too long. Od's me! Qu'ai j'oublie? + Dere is some simples in my closet dat I vill not for the + varld I shall leave behind. + QUICKLY. Ay me, he'll find the young man there, and be + mad! + CAIUS. O diable, diable! vat is in my closet? Villainy! larron! + [Pulling SIMPLE out] Rugby, my rapier! + QUICKLY. Good master, be content. + CAIUS. Wherefore shall I be content-a? + QUICKLY. The young man is an honest man. + CAIUS. What shall de honest man do in my closet? Dere is + no honest man dat shall come in my closet. + QUICKLY. I beseech you, be not so phlegmatic; hear the + truth of it. He came of an errand to me from Parson Hugh. + CAIUS. Vell? + SIMPLE. Ay, forsooth, to desire her to- + QUICKLY. Peace, I pray you. + CAIUS. Peace-a your tongue. Speak-a your tale. + SIMPLE. To desire this honest gentlewoman, your maid, to + speak a good word to Mistress Anne Page for my master, + in the way of marriage. + QUICKLY. This is all, indeed, la! but I'll ne'er put my finger + in the fire, and need not. + CAIUS. Sir Hugh send-a you? Rugby, baillez me some paper. + Tarry you a little-a-while. [Writes] + QUICKLY. [Aside to SIMPLE] I am glad he is so quiet; if he + had been throughly moved, you should have heard him + so loud and so melancholy. But notwithstanding, man, I'll + do you your master what good I can; and the very yea and + the no is, the French doctor, my master-I may call him + my master, look you, for I keep his house; and I wash, + wring, brew, bake, scour, dress meat and drink, make the + beds, and do all myself- + SIMPLE. [Aside to QUICKLY] 'Tis a great charge to come + under one body's hand. + QUICKLY. [Aside to SIMPLE] Are you avis'd o' that? You + shall find it a great charge; and to be up early and down + late; but notwithstanding-to tell you in your ear, I would + have no words of it-my master himself is in love with + Mistress Anne Page; but notwithstanding that, I know + Anne's mind-that's neither here nor there. + CAIUS. You jack'nape; give-a this letter to Sir Hugh; by gar, + it is a shallenge; I will cut his troat in de park; and I +will + teach a scurvy jack-a-nape priest to meddle or make. You + may be gone; it is not good you tarry here. By gar, I will + cut all his two stones; by gar, he shall not have a stone + to throw at his dog. Exit SIMPLE + QUICKLY. Alas, he speaks but for his friend. + CAIUS. It is no matter-a ver dat. Do not you tell-a me dat I + shall have Anne Page for myself? By gar, I vill kill de Jack + priest; and I have appointed mine host of de Jarteer to + measure our weapon. By gar, I will myself have Anne + Page. + QUICKLY. Sir, the maid loves you, and all shall be well. We + must give folks leave to prate. What the good-year! + CAIUS. Rugby, come to the court with me. By gar, if I have + not Anne Page, I shall turn your head out of my door. + Follow my heels, Rugby. Exeunt CAIUS and RUGBY + QUICKLY. You shall have-An fool's-head of your own. No, + I know Anne's mind for that; never a woman in Windsor + knows more of Anne's mind than I do; nor can do more + than I do with her, I thank heaven. + FENTON. [Within] Who's within there? ho! + QUICKLY. Who's there, I trow? Come near the house, I pray + you. + + Enter FENTON + + FENTON. How now, good woman, how dost thou? + QUICKLY. The better that it pleases your good worship to + ask. + FENTON. What news? How does pretty Mistress Anne? + QUICKLY. In truth, sir, and she is pretty, and honest, and + gentle; and one that is your friend, I can tell you that by + the way; I praise heaven for it. + FENTON. Shall I do any good, think'st thou? Shall I not lose + my suit? + QUICKLY. Troth, sir, all is in His hands above; but + notwithstanding, Master Fenton, I'll be sworn on a book + she loves you. Have not your worship a wart above your eye? + FENTON. Yes, marry, have I; what of that? + QUICKLY. Well, thereby hangs a tale; good faith, it is such + another Nan; but, I detest, an honest maid as ever broke + bread. We had an hour's talk of that wart; I shall never + laugh but in that maid's company! But, indeed, she is + given too much to allicholy and musing; but for you-well, + go to. + FENTON. Well, I shall see her to-day. Hold, there's money + for thee; let me have thy voice in my behalf. If thou seest + her before me, commend me. + QUICKLY. Will I? I' faith, that we will; and I will tell your + worship more of the wart the next time we have confidence; + and of other wooers. + FENTON. Well, farewell; I am in great haste now. + QUICKLY. Farewell to your worship. [Exit FENTON] Truly, + an honest gentleman; but Anne loves him not; for I know + Anne's mind as well as another does. Out upon 't, what + have I forgot? Exit + + + + +<<THIS ELECTRONIC VERSION OF THE COMPLETE WORKS OF WILLIAM +SHAKESPEARE IS COPYRIGHT 1990-1993 BY WORLD LIBRARY, INC., AND IS +PROVIDED BY PROJECT GUTENBERG ETEXT OF CARNEGIE MELLON UNIVERSITY +WITH PERMISSION. ELECTRONIC AND MACHINE READABLE COPIES MAY BE +DISTRIBUTED SO LONG AS SUCH COPIES (1) ARE FOR YOUR OR OTHERS +PERSONAL USE ONLY, AND (2) ARE NOT DISTRIBUTED OR USED +COMMERCIALLY. PROHIBITED COMMERCIAL DISTRIBUTION INCLUDES BY ANY +SERVICE THAT CHARGES FOR DOWNLOAD TIME OR FOR MEMBERSHIP.>> + + + +ACT II. SCENE 1. + +Before PAGE'S house + +Enter MISTRESS PAGE, with a letter + + MRS. PAGE. What! have I scap'd love-letters in the holiday-time + of my beauty, and am I now a subject for them? Let + me see. [Reads] + 'Ask me no reason why I love you; for though Love use + Reason for his precisian, he admits him not for his +counsellor. + You are not young, no more am I; go to, then, there's + sympathy. You are merry, so am I; ha! ha! then there's + more sympathy. You love sack, and so do I; would you + desire better sympathy? Let it suffice thee, Mistress Page + at the least, if the love of soldier can suffice-that I love + thee. I will not say, Pity me: 'tis not a soldier-like +phrase; + but I say, Love me. By me, + Thine own true knight, + By day or night, + Or any kind of light, + With all his might, + For thee to fight, + JOHN FALSTAFF.' + What a Herod of Jewry is this! O wicked, wicked world! + One that is well-nigh worn to pieces with age to show + himself a young gallant! What an unweighed behaviour + hath this Flemish drunkard pick'd-with the devil's name! + -out of my conversation, that he dares in this manner + assay me? Why, he hath not been thrice in my company! + What should I say to him? I was then frugal of my mirth. + Heaven forgive me! Why, I'll exhibit a bill in the parliament + for the putting down of men. How shall I be + reveng'd on him? for reveng'd I will be, as sure as his guts + are made of puddings. + + Enter MISTRESS FORD + + MRS. FORD. Mistress Page! trust me, I was going to your + house. + MRS. PAGE. And, trust me, I was coming to you. You look + very ill. + MRS. FORD. Nay, I'll ne'er believe that; I have to show to + the contrary. + MRS. PAGE. Faith, but you do, in my mind. + MRS. FORD. Well, I do, then; yet, I say, I could show you to + the contrary. O Mistress Page, give me some counsel. + MRS. PAGE. What's the matter, woman? + MRS. FORD. O woman, if it were not for one trifling respect, + I could come to such honour! + MRS. PAGE. Hang the trifle, woman; take the honour. What + is it? Dispense with trifles; what is it? + MRS. FORD. If I would but go to hell for an eternal moment + or so, I could be knighted. + MRS. PAGE. What? Thou liest. Sir Alice Ford! These knights + will hack; and so thou shouldst not alter the article of thy + gentry. + MRS. FORD. We burn daylight. Here, read, read; perceive + how I might be knighted. I shall think the worse of fat + men as long as I have an eye to make difference of men's + liking. And yet he would not swear; prais'd women's + modesty, and gave such orderly and well-behaved reproof + to all uncomeliness that I would have sworn his disposition + would have gone to the truth of his words; but they do no + more adhere and keep place together than the Hundredth + Psalm to the tune of 'Greensleeves.' What tempest, I trow, + threw this whale, with so many tuns of oil in his belly, + ashore at Windsor? How shall I be revenged on him? I + think the best way were to entertain him with hope, till + the wicked fire of lust have melted him in his own grease. + Did you ever hear the like? + MRS. PAGE. Letter for letter, but that the name of Page and + Ford differs. To thy great comfort in this mystery of ill + opinions, here's the twin-brother of thy letter; but let +thine + inherit first, for, I protest, mine never shall. I warrant he + hath a thousand of these letters, writ with blank space for + different names-sure, more!-and these are of the second + edition. He will print them, out of doubt; for he cares not + what he puts into the press when he would put us two. I + had rather be a giantess and lie under Mount Pelion. Well, + I will find you twenty lascivious turtles ere one chaste + man. + MRS. FORD. Why, this is the very same; the very hand, the + very words. What doth he think of us? + MRS. PAGE. Nay, I know not; it makes me almost ready to + wrangle with mine own honesty. I'll entertain myself like + one that I am not acquainted withal; for, sure, unless he + know some strain in me that I know not myself, he would + never have boarded me in this fury. + MRS. FORD. 'Boarding' call you it? I'll be sure to keep him + above deck. + MRS. PAGE. So will I; if he come under my hatches, I'll never + to sea again. Let's be reveng'd on him; let's appoint him a + meeting, give him a show of comfort in his suit, and lead + him on with a fine-baited delay, till he hath pawn'd his + horses to mine host of the Garter. + MRS. FORD. Nay, I will consent to act any villainy against + him that may not sully the chariness of our honesty. O + that my husband saw this letter! It would give eternal food + to his jealousy. + MRS. PAGE. Why, look where he comes; and my good man + too; he's as far from jealousy as I am from giving him + cause; and that, I hope, is an unmeasurable distance. + MRS. FORD. You are the happier woman. + MRS. PAGE. Let's consult together against this greasy knight. + Come hither. [They retire] + + Enter FORD with PISTOL, and PAGE with Nym + + FORD. Well, I hope it be not so. + PISTOL. Hope is a curtal dog in some affairs. + Sir John affects thy wife. + FORD. Why, sir, my wife is not young. + PISTOL. He woos both high and low, both rich and poor, + Both young and old, one with another, Ford; + He loves the gallimaufry. Ford, perpend. + FORD. Love my wife! + PISTOL. With liver burning hot. Prevent, or go thou, + Like Sir Actaeon he, with Ringwood at thy heels. + O, odious is the name! + FORD. What name, sir? + PISTOL. The horn, I say. Farewell. + Take heed, have open eye, for thieves do foot by night; + Take heed, ere summer comes, or cuckoo birds do sing. + Away, Sir Corporal Nym. + Believe it, Page; he speaks sense. Exit PISTOL + FORD. [Aside] I will be patient; I will find out this. + NYM. [To PAGE] And this is true; I like not the humour of + lying. He hath wronged me in some humours; I should + have borne the humour'd letter to her; but I have a sword, + and it shall bite upon my necessity. He loves your wife; + there's the short and the long. + My name is Corporal Nym; I speak, and I avouch; + 'Tis true. My name is Nym, and Falstaff loves your wife. + Adieu! I love not the humour of bread and cheese; and + there's the humour of it. Adieu. Exit Nym + PAGE. 'The humour of it,' quoth 'a! Here's a fellow frights + English out of his wits. + FORD. I will seek out Falstaff. + PAGE. I never heard such a drawling, affecting rogue. + FORD. If I do find it-well. + PAGE. I will not believe such a Cataian though the priest o' + th' town commended him for a true man. + FORD. 'Twas a good sensible fellow. Well. + + MISTRESS PAGE and MISTRESS FORD come forward + + PAGE. How now, Meg! + MRS. PAGE. Whither go you, George? Hark you. + MRS. FORD. How now, sweet Frank, why art thou melancholy? + FORD. I melancholy! I am not melancholy. Get you home; + go. + MRS. FORD. Faith, thou hast some crotchets in thy head now. + Will you go, Mistress Page? + + Enter MISTRESS QUICKLY + + MRS. PAGE. Have with you. You'll come to dinner, George? + [Aside to MRS. FORD] Look who comes yonder; she shall + be our messenger to this paltry knight. + MRS. FORD. [Aside to MRS. PAGE] Trust me, I thought on + her; she'll fit it. + MRS. PAGE. You are come to see my daughter Anne? + QUICKLY. Ay, forsooth; and, I pray, how does good Mistress +Anne? + MRS. PAGE. Go in with us and see; we have an hour's talk + with you. Exeunt MISTRESS PAGE, MISTRESS FORD, and + MISTRESS QUICKLY + PAGE. How now, Master Ford! + FORD. You heard what this knave told me, did you not? + PAGE. Yes; and you heard what the other told me? + FORD. Do you think there is truth in them? + PAGE. Hang 'em, slaves! I do not think the knight would offer +it; + but these that accuse him in his intent towards our + wives are a yoke of his discarded men; very rogues, now + they be out of service. + FORD. Were they his men? + PAGE. Marry, were they. + FORD. I like it never the better for that. Does he lie at the + Garter? + PAGE. Ay, marry, does he. If he should intend this voyage + toward my wife, I would turn her loose to him; and what + he gets more of her than sharp words, let it lie on my head. + FORD. I do not misdoubt my wife; but I would be loath to + turn them together. A man may be too confident. I would + have nothing lie on my head. I cannot be thus satisfied. + + Enter HOST + + PAGE. Look where my ranting host of the Garter comes. + There is either liquor in his pate or money in his purse + when he looks so merrily. How now, mine host! + HOST. How now, bully rook! Thou'rt a gentleman. [To + SHALLOW following] Cavaleiro Justice, I say. + + Enter SHALLOW + + SHALLOW. I follow, mine host, I follow. Good even and + twenty, good Master Page! Master Page, will you go with + us? We have sport in hand. + HOST. Tell him, Cavaleiro Justice; tell him, bully rook. + SHALLOW. Sir, there is a fray to be fought between Sir Hugh + the Welsh priest and Caius the French doctor. + FORD. Good mine host o' th' Garter, a word with you. + HOST. What say'st thou, my bully rook? [They go aside] + SHALLOW. [To PAGE] Will you go with us to behold it? My + merry host hath had the measuring of their weapons; and, + I think, hath appointed them contrary places; for, believe + me, I hear the parson is no jester. Hark, I will tell you + what our sport shall be. [They converse apart] + HOST. Hast thou no suit against my knight, my guest-cavaleiro. + FORD. None, I protest; but I'll give you a pottle of burnt + sack to give me recourse to him, and tell him my name is + Brook-only for a jest. + HOST. My hand, bully; thou shalt have egress and regress- + said I well?-and thy name shall be Brook. It is a merry + knight. Will you go, Mynheers? + SHALLOW. Have with you, mine host. + PAGE. I have heard the Frenchman hath good skill in his + rapier. + SHALLOW. Tut, sir, I could have told you more. In these + times you stand on distance, your passes, stoccadoes, and + I know not what. 'Tis the heart, Master Page; 'tis here, + 'tis here. I have seen the time with my long sword I would + have made you four tall fellows skip like rats. + HOST. Here, boys, here, here! Shall we wag? + PAGE. Have with you. I had rather hear them scold than + fight. Exeunt all but FORD + FORD. Though Page be a secure fool, and stands so firmly on + his wife's frailty, yet I cannot put off my opinion so + easily. She was in his company at Page's house, and what + they made there I know not. Well, I will look further into + 't, and I have a disguise to sound Falstaff. If I find her + honest, I lose not my labour; if she be otherwise, 'tis +labour + well bestowed. Exit + + + + +SCENE 2. + +A room in the Garter Inn + +Enter FALSTAFF and PISTOL + + FALSTAFF. I will not lend thee a penny. + PISTOL. I will retort the sum in equipage. + FALSTAFF. Not a penny. + PISTOL. Why, then the world's mine oyster. Which I with + sword will open. + FALSTAFF. Not a penny. I have been content, sir, you should + lay my countenance to pawn. I have grated upon my good + friends for three reprieves for you and your coach-fellow, + Nym; or else you had look'd through the grate, like a + geminy of baboons. I am damn'd in hell for swearing to + gentlemen my friends you were good soldiers and tall fellows; + and when Mistress Bridget lost the handle of her fan, + I took 't upon mine honour thou hadst it not. + PISTOL. Didst not thou share? Hadst thou not fifteen pence? + FALSTAFF. Reason, you rogue, reason. Think'st thou I'll + endanger my soul gratis? At a word, hang no more about me, + I am no gibbet for you. Go-a short knife and a throng!- + to your manor of Pickt-hatch; go. You'll not bear a letter + for me, you rogue! You stand upon your honour! Why, + thou unconfinable baseness, it is as much as I can do to + keep the terms of my honour precise. I, I, I myself + sometimes, leaving the fear of God on the left hand, and +hiding + mine honour in my necessity, am fain to shuffle, to hedge, + and to lurch; and yet you, rogue, will ensconce your rags, + your cat-a-mountain looks, your red-lattice phrases, and + your bold-beating oaths, under the shelter of your honour! + You will not do it, you! + PISTOL. I do relent; what would thou more of man? + + Enter ROBIN + + ROBIN. Sir, here's a woman would speak with you. + FALSTAFF. Let her approach. + + Enter MISTRESS QUICKLY + + QUICKLY. Give your worship good morrow. + FALSTAFF. Good morrow, good wife. + QUICKLY. Not so, an't please your worship. + FALSTAFF. Good maid, then. + QUICKLY. I'll be sworn; + As my mother was, the first hour I was born. + FALSTAFF. I do believe the swearer. What with me? + QUICKLY. Shall I vouchsafe your worship a word or two? + FALSTAFF. Two thousand, fair woman; and I'll vouchsafe + thee the hearing. + QUICKLY. There is one Mistress Ford, sir-I pray, come a little + nearer this ways. I myself dwell with Master Doctor + Caius. + FALSTAFF. Well, on: Mistress Ford, you say- + QUICKLY. Your worship says very true. I pray your worship + come a little nearer this ways. + FALSTAFF. I warrant thee nobody hears-mine own people, + mine own people. + QUICKLY. Are they so? God bless them, and make them his + servants! + FALSTAFF. Well; Mistress Ford, what of her? + QUICKLY. Why, sir, she's a good creature. Lord, Lord, your + worship's a wanton! Well, heaven forgive you, and all of + us, I pray. + FALSTAFF. Mistress Ford; come, Mistress Ford- + QUICKLY. Marry, this is the short and the long of it: you + have brought her into such a canaries as 'tis wonderful. + The best courtier of them all, when the court lay at Windsor, + could never have brought her to such a canary. Yet + there has been knights, and lords, and gentlemen, with + their coaches; I warrant you, coach after coach, letter after + letter, gift after gift; smelling so sweetly, all musk, and +so + rushling, I warrant you, in silk and gold; and in such +alligant + terms; and in such wine and sugar of the best and the + fairest, that would have won any woman's heart; and I + warrant you, they could never get an eye-wink of her. + I had myself twenty angels given me this morning; but I + defy all angels, in any such sort, as they say, but in the + way of honesty; and, I warrant you, they could never get + her so much as sip on a cup with the proudest of them all; + and yet there has been earls, nay, which is more, + pensioners; but, I warrant you, all is one with her. + FALSTAFF. But what says she to me? Be brief, my good she- + Mercury. + QUICKLY. Marry, she hath receiv'd your letter; for the + which she thanks you a thousand times; and she gives you + to notify that her husband will be absence from his house + between ten and eleven. + FALSTAFF. Ten and eleven? + QUICKLY. Ay, forsooth; and then you may come and see + the picture, she says, that you wot of. Master Ford, her + husband, will be from home. Alas, the sweet woman leads + an ill life with him! He's a very jealousy man; she leads a + very frampold life with him, good heart. + FALSTAFF. Ten and eleven. Woman, commend me to her; I + will not fail her. + QUICKLY. Why, you say well. But I have another messenger + to your worship. Mistress Page hath her hearty commendations + to you too; and let me tell you in your ear, she's as + fartuous a civil modest wife, and one, I tell you, that will + not miss you morning nor evening prayer, as any is in + Windsor, whoe'er be the other; and she bade me tell your + worship that her husband is seldom from home, but she + hopes there will come a time. I never knew a woman so + dote upon a man: surely I think you have charms, la! Yes, + in truth. + FALSTAFF. Not I, I assure thee; setting the attraction of my + good parts aside, I have no other charms. + QUICKLY. Blessing on your heart for 't! + FALSTAFF. But, I pray thee, tell me this: has Ford's wife and + Page's wife acquainted each other how they love me? + QUICKLY. That were a jest indeed! They have not so little + grace, I hope-that were a trick indeed! But Mistress Page + would desire you to send her your little page of all loves. + Her husband has a marvellous infection to the little page; + and truly Master Page is an honest man. Never a wife in + Windsor leads a better life than she does; do what she will, + say what she will, take all, pay all, go to bed when she + list, rise when she list, all is as she will; and truly she + deserves it; for if there be a kind woman in Windsor, she + is one. You must send her your page; no remedy. + FALSTAFF. Why, I will. + QUICKLY. Nay, but do so then; and, look you, he may come + and go between you both; and in any case have a + nay-word, that you may know one another's mind, and the boy + never need to understand any thing; for 'tis not good that + children should know any wickedness. Old folks, you + know, have discretion, as they say, and know the world. + FALSTAFF. Fare thee well; commend me to them both. + There's my purse; I am yet thy debtor. Boy, go along with + this woman. [Exeunt QUICKLY and ROBIN] This news + distracts me. + PISTOL. [Aside] This punk is one of Cupid's carriers; + Clap on more sails; pursue; up with your fights; + Give fire; she is my prize, or ocean whelm them all! Exit + FALSTAFF. Say'st thou so, old Jack; go thy ways; I'll make + more of thy old body than I have done. Will they yet look + after thee? Wilt thou, after the expense of so much money, + be now a gainer? Good body, I thank thee. Let them say + 'tis grossly done; so it be fairly done, no matter. + + Enter BARDOLPH + + BARDOLPH. Sir John, there's one Master Brook below would + fain speak with you, and be acquainted with you; and hath + sent your worship a moming's draught of sack. + FALSTAFF. Brook is his name? + BARDOLPH. Ay, sir. + FALSTAFF. Call him in. [Exit BARDOLPH] Such Brooks are + welcome to me, that o'erflows such liquor. Ah, ha! Mistress + Ford and Mistress Page, have I encompass'd you? Go to; + via! + + Re-enter BARDOLPH, with FORD disguised + + FORD. Bless you, sir! + FALSTAFF. And you, sir! Would you speak with me? + FORD. I make bold to press with so little preparation upon + you. + FALSTAFF. You're welcome. What's your will? Give us leave, + drawer. Exit BARDOLPH + FORD. Sir, I am a gentleman that have spent much; my name + is Brook. + FALSTAFF. Good Master Brook, I desire more acquaintance + of you. + FORD. Good Sir John, I sue for yours-not to charge you; for I + must let you understand I think myself in better plight for + a lender than you are; the which hath something + embold'ned me to this unseason'd intrusion; for they say, if + money go before, all ways do lie open. + FALSTAFF. Money is a good soldier, sir, and will on. + FORD. Troth, and I have a bag of money here troubles me; if + you will help to bear it, Sir John, take all, or half, for +easing + me of the carriage. + FALSTAFF. Sir, I know not how I may deserve to be your + porter. + FORD. I will tell you, sir, if you will give me the hearing. + FALSTAFF. Speak, good Master Brook; I shall be glad to be + your servant. + FORD. Sir, I hear you are a scholar-I will be brief with you + -and you have been a man long known to me, though I + had never so good means as desire to make myself acquainted + with you. I shall discover a thing to you, wherein + I must very much lay open mine own imperfection; but, + good Sir John, as you have one eye upon my follies, as you + hear them unfolded, turn another into the register of your + own, that I may pass with a reproof the easier, sith you + yourself know how easy is it to be such an offender. + FALSTAFF. Very well, sir; proceed. + FORD. There is a gentlewoman in this town, her husband's + name is Ford. + FALSTAFF. Well, sir. + FORD. I have long lov'd her, and, I protest to you, bestowed + much on her; followed her with a doting observance; + engross'd opportunities to meet her; fee'd every slight +occasion + that could but niggardly give me sight of her; not + only bought many presents to give her, but have given + largely to many to know what she would have given; + briefly, I have pursu'd her as love hath pursued me; which + hath been on the wing of all occasions. But whatsoever I + have merited, either in my mind or in my means, meed, I + am sure, I have received none, unless experience be a jewel; + that I have purchased at an infinite rate, and that hath + taught me to say this: + 'Love like a shadow flies when substance love pursues; + Pursuing that that flies, and flying what pursues.' + FALSTAFF. Have you receiv'd no promise of satisfaction at + her hands? + FORD. Never. + FALSTAFF. Have you importun'd her to such a purpose? + FORD. Never. + FALSTAFF. Of what quality was your love, then? + FORD. Like a fair house built on another man's ground; so + that I have lost my edifice by mistaking the place where + erected it. + FALSTAFF. To what purpose have you unfolded this to me? + FORD. When I have told you that, I have told you all. Some + say that though she appear honest to me, yet in other + places she enlargeth her mirth so far that there is shrewd + construction made of her. Now, Sir John, here is the heart + of my purpose: you are a gentleman of excellent + breeding, admirable discourse, of great admittance, authentic +in + your place and person, generally allow'd for your many + war-like, courtlike, and learned preparations. + FALSTAFF. O, sir! + FORD. Believe it, for you know it. There is money; spend it, + spend it; spend more; spend all I have; only give me so + much of your time in exchange of it as to lay an amiable + siege to the honesty of this Ford's wife; use your art of + wooing, win her to consent to you; if any man may, you + may as soon as any. + FALSTAFF. Would it apply well to the vehemency of your + affection, that I should win what you would enjoy? + Methinks you prescribe to yourself very preposterously. + FORD. O, understand my drift. She dwells so securely on the + excellency of her honour that the folly of my soul dares + not present itself; she is too bright to be look'd against. + Now, could I come to her with any detection in my hand, + my desires had instance and argument to commend themselves; + I could drive her then from the ward of her purity, + her reputation, her marriage vow, and a thousand other her + defences, which now are too too strongly embattl'd against + me. What say you to't, Sir John? + FALSTAFF. Master Brook, I will first make bold with your + money; next, give me your hand; and last, as I am a +gentleman, + you shall, if you will, enjoy Ford's wife. + FORD. O good sir! + FALSTAFF. I say you shall. + FORD. Want no money, Sir John; you shall want none. + FALSTAFF. Want no Mistress Ford, Master Brook; you shall + want none. I shall be with her, I may tell you, by her own + appointment; even as you came in to me her assistant, or + go-between, parted from me; I say I shall be with her between + ten and eleven; for at that time the jealous rascally + knave, her husband, will be forth. Come you to me at + night; you shall know how I speed. + FORD. I am blest in your acquaintance. Do you know Ford, + Sir? + FALSTAFF. Hang him, poor cuckoldly knave! I know him + not; yet I wrong him to call him poor; they say the + jealous wittolly knave hath masses of money; for the which + his wife seems to me well-favour'd. I will use her as the + key of the cuckoldly rogue's coffer; and there's my +harvest-home. + FORD. I would you knew Ford, sir, that you might avoid him + if you saw him. + FALSTAFF. Hang him, mechanical salt-butter rogue! I will + stare him out of his wits; I will awe him with my cudgel; + it shall hang like a meteor o'er the cuckold's horns. Master + Brook, thou shalt know I will predominate over the + peasant, and thou shalt lie with his wife. Come to me soon at + night. Ford's a knave, and I will aggravate his style; thou, + Master Brook, shalt know him for knave and cuckold. + Come to me soon at night. Exit + FORD. What a damn'd Epicurean rascal is this! My heart is + ready to crack with impatience. Who says this is improvident + jealousy? My wife hath sent to him; the hour is fix'd; + the match is made. Would any man have thought this? See + the hell of having a false woman! My bed shall be abus'd, + my coffers ransack'd, my reputation gnawn at; and I shall + not only receive this villainous wrong, but stand under the + adoption of abominable terms, and by him that does me + this wrong. Terms! names! Amaimon sounds well; Lucifer, + well; Barbason, well; yet they are devils' additions, the +names + of fiends. But cuckold! Wittol! Cuckold! the devil himself + hath not such a name. Page is an ass, a secure ass; he will +trust + his wife; he will not be jealous; I will rather trust a +Fleming + with my butter, Parson Hugh the Welshman with my + cheese, an Irishman with my aqua-vitae bottle, or a thief to + walk my ambling gelding, than my wife with herself. Then + she plots, then she ruminates, then she devises; and what + they think in their hearts they may effect, they will break + their hearts but they will effect. God be prais'd for my + jealousy! Eleven o'clock the hour. I will prevent this, +detect + my wife, be reveng'd on Falstaff, and laugh at Page. + I will about it; better three hours too soon than a minute + too late. Fie, fie, fie! cuckold! cuckold! cuckold! Exit + + + + +SCENE 3. + +A field near Windsor + +Enter CAIUS and RUGBY + + CAIUS. Jack Rugby! + RUGBY. Sir? + CAIUS. Vat is de clock, Jack? + RUGBY. 'Tis past the hour, sir, that Sir Hugh promis'd to + meet. + CAIUS. By gar, he has save his soul dat he is no come; he has + pray his Pible well dat he is no come; by gar, Jack Rugby, + he is dead already, if he be come. + RUGBY. He is wise, sir; he knew your worship would kill + him if he came. + CAIUS. By gar, de herring is no dead so as I vill kill him. +Take + your rapier, Jack; I vill tell you how I vill kill him. + RUGBY. Alas, sir, I cannot fence! + CAIUS. Villainy, take your rapier. + RUGBY. Forbear; here's company. + + Enter HOST, SHALLOW, SLENDER, and PAGE + + HOST. Bless thee, bully doctor! + SHALLOW. Save you, Master Doctor Caius! + PAGE. Now, good Master Doctor! + SLENDER. Give you good morrow, sir. + CAIUS. Vat be all you, one, two, tree, four, come for? + HOST. To see thee fight, to see thee foin, to see thee +traverse; + to see thee here, to see thee there; to see thee pass thy + punto, thy stock, thy reverse, thy distance, thy montant. + Is he dead, my Ethiopian? Is he dead, my Francisco? Ha, + bully! What says my Aesculapius? my Galen? my heart + of elder? Ha! is he dead, bully stale? Is he dead? + CAIUS. By gar, he is de coward Jack priest of de world; he is + not show his face. + HOST. Thou art a Castalion-King-Urinal. Hector of Greece, + my boy! + CAIUS. I pray you, bear witness that me have stay six or + seven, two tree hours for him, and he is no come. + SHALLOW. He is the wiser man, Master Doctor: he is a curer + of souls, and you a curer of bodies; if you should fight, + you go against the hair of your professions. Is it not true, + Master Page? + PAGE. Master Shallow, you have yourself been a great fighter, + though now a man of peace. + SHALLOW. Bodykins, Master Page, though I now be old, and + of the peace, if I see a sword out, my finger itches to make + one. Though we are justices, and doctors, and churchmen, + Master Page, we have some salt of our youth in us; we are + the sons of women, Master Page. + PAGE. 'Tis true, Master Shallow. + SHALLOW. It will be found so, Master Page. Master Doctor + CAIUS, I come to fetch you home. I am sworn of the peace; + you have show'd yourself a wise physician, and Sir Hugh + hath shown himself a wise and patient churchman. You + must go with me, Master Doctor. + HOST. Pardon, Guest Justice. A word, Mounseur Mockwater. + CAIUS. Mock-vater! Vat is dat? + HOST. Mockwater, in our English tongue, is valour, bully. + CAIUS. By gar, then I have as much mockvater as de Englishman. + Scurvy jack-dog priest! By gar, me vill cut his ears. + HOST. He will clapper-claw thee tightly, bully. + CAIUS. Clapper-de-claw! Vat is dat? + HOST. That is, he will make thee amends. + CAIUS. By gar, me do look he shall clapper-de-claw me; for, + by gar, me vill have it. + HOST. And I will provoke him to't, or let him wag. + CAIUS. Me tank you for dat. + HOST. And, moreover, bully-but first: [Aside to the others] + Master Guest, and Master Page, and eke Cavaleiro Slender, + go you through the town to Frogmore. + PAGE. [Aside] Sir Hugh is there, is he? + HOST. [Aside] He is there. See what humour he is in; and + I will bring the doctor about by the fields. Will it do well? + SHALLOW. [Aside] We will do it. + PAGE, SHALLOW, and SLENDER. Adieu, good Master Doctor. + Exeunt PAGE, SHALLOW, and SLENDER + CAIUS. By gar, me vill kill de priest; for he speak for a jack- + an-ape to Anne Page. + HOST. Let him die. Sheathe thy impatience; throw cold water + on thy choler; go about the fields with me through Frogmore; + I will bring thee where Mistress Anne Page is, at a a + farm-house, a-feasting; and thou shalt woo her. Cried + game! Said I well? + CAIUS. By gar, me dank you vor dat; by gar, I love you; and + I shall procure-a you de good guest, de earl, de knight, de + lords, de gentlemen, my patients. + HOST. For the which I will be thy adversary toward Anne + Page. Said I well? + CAIUS. By gar, 'tis good; vell said. + HOST. Let us wag, then. + CAIUS. Come at my heels, Jack Rugby. Exeunt + + + + +<<THIS ELECTRONIC VERSION OF THE COMPLETE WORKS OF WILLIAM +SHAKESPEARE IS COPYRIGHT 1990-1993 BY WORLD LIBRARY, INC., AND IS +PROVIDED BY PROJECT GUTENBERG ETEXT OF CARNEGIE MELLON UNIVERSITY +WITH PERMISSION. ELECTRONIC AND MACHINE READABLE COPIES MAY BE +DISTRIBUTED SO LONG AS SUCH COPIES (1) ARE FOR YOUR OR OTHERS +PERSONAL USE ONLY, AND (2) ARE NOT DISTRIBUTED OR USED +COMMERCIALLY. PROHIBITED COMMERCIAL DISTRIBUTION INCLUDES BY ANY +SERVICE THAT CHARGES FOR DOWNLOAD TIME OR FOR MEMBERSHIP.>> + + + +ACT III SCENE 1. + +A field near Frogmore + +Enter SIR HUGH EVANS and SIMPLE + + EVANS. I pray you now, good Master Slender's serving-man, + and friend Simple by your name, which way have you + look'd for Master Caius, that calls himself Doctor of + Physic? + SIMPLE. Marry, sir, the pittie-ward, the park-ward; every + way; old Windsor way, and every way but the town way. + EVANS. I most fehemently desire you you will also look that + way. + SIMPLE. I will, Sir. Exit + EVANS. Pless my soul, how full of chollors I am, and trempling + of mind! I shall be glad if he have deceived me. How + melancholies I am! I will knog his urinals about his knave's + costard when I have goot opportunities for the ork. Pless + my soul! [Sings] + To shallow rivers, to whose falls + Melodious birds sings madrigals; + There will we make our peds of roses, + And a thousand fragrant posies. + To shallow- + Mercy on me! I have a great dispositions to cry. [Sings] + Melodious birds sing madrigals- + Whenas I sat in Pabylon- + And a thousand vagram posies. + To shallow, etc. + + Re-enter SIMPLE + + SIMPLE. Yonder he is, coming this way, Sir Hugh. + EVANS. He's welcome. [Sings] + To shallow rivers, to whose falls- + Heaven prosper the right! What weapons is he? + SIMPLE. No weapons, sir. There comes my master, Master + Shallow, and another gentleman, from Frogmore, over the + stile, this way. + EVANS. Pray you give me my gown; or else keep it in your + arms. [Takes out a book] + + Enter PAGE, SHALLOW, and SLENDER + + SHALLOW. How now, Master Parson! Good morrow, good + Sir Hugh. Keep a gamester from the dice, and a good student + from his book, and it is wonderful. + SLENDER. [Aside] Ah, sweet Anne Page! + PAGE. Save you, good Sir Hugh! + EVANS. Pless you from his mercy sake, all of you! + SHALLOW. What, the sword and the word! Do you study + them both, Master Parson? + PAGE. And youthful still, in your doublet and hose, this raw + rheumatic day! + EVANS. There is reasons and causes for it. + PAGE. We are come to you to do a good office, Master + Parson. + EVANS. Fery well; what is it? + PAGE. Yonder is a most reverend gentleman, who, belike having + received wrong by some person, is at most odds with + his own gravity and patience that ever you saw. + SHALLOW. I have lived fourscore years and upward; I never + heard a man of his place, gravity, and learning, so wide of + his own respect. + EVANS. What is he? + PAGE. I think you know him: Master Doctor Caius, the + renowned French physician. + EVANS. Got's will and his passion of my heart! I had as lief + you would tell me of a mess of porridge. + PAGE. Why? + EVANS. He has no more knowledge in Hibocrates and + Galen, and he is a knave besides-a cowardly knave as you + would desires to be acquainted withal. + PAGE. I warrant you, he's the man should fight with him. + SLENDER. [Aside] O sweet Anne Page! + SHALLOW. It appears so, by his weapons. Keep them asunder; + here comes Doctor Caius. + + Enter HOST, CAIUS, and RUGBY + + PAGE. Nay, good Master Parson, keep in your weapon. + SHALLOW. So do you, good Master Doctor. + HOST. Disarm them, and let them question; let them keep + their limbs whole and hack our English. + CAIUS. I pray you, let-a me speak a word with your ear. + Verefore will you not meet-a me? + EVANS. [Aside to CAIUS] Pray you use your patience; in + good time. + CAIUS. By gar, you are de coward, de Jack dog, John ape. + EVANS. [Aside to CAIUS] Pray you, let us not be + laughing-stocks to other men's humours; I desire you in + friendship, and I will one way or other make you amends. + [Aloud] I will knog your urinals about your knave's cogscomb + for missing your meetings and appointments. + CAIUS. Diable! Jack Rugby-mine Host de Jarteer-have I + not stay for him to kill him? Have I not, at de place I did + appoint? + EVANS. As I am a Christians soul, now, look you, this is the + place appointed. I'll be judgment by mine host of the + Garter. + HOST. Peace, I say, Gallia and Gaul, French and Welsh, + soul-curer and body-curer. + CAIUS. Ay, dat is very good! excellent! + HOST. Peace, I say. Hear mine host of the Garter. Am I + politic? am I subtle? am I a Machiavel? Shall I lose my + doctor? No; he gives me the potions and the motions. Shall I + lose my parson, my priest, my Sir Hugh? No; he gives me + the proverbs and the noverbs. Give me thy hand, terrestrial; + so. Give me thy hand, celestial; so. Boys of art, I have + deceiv'd you both; I have directed you to wrong places; + your hearts are mighty, your skins are whole, and let burnt + sack be the issue. Come, lay their swords to pawn. Follow + me, lads of peace; follow, follow, follow. + SHALLOW. Trust me, a mad host. Follow, gentlemen, follow. + SLENDER. [Aside] O sweet Anne Page! + Exeunt all but CAIUS and EVANS + CAIUS. Ha, do I perceive dat? Have you make-a de sot of us, + ha, ha? + EVANS. This is well; he has made us his vlouting-stog. I + desire you that we may be friends; and let us knog our prains + together to be revenge on this same scall, scurvy, cogging + companion, the host of the Garter. + CAIUS. By gar, with all my heart. He promise to bring me + where is Anne Page; by gar, he deceive me too. + EVANS. Well, I will smite his noddles. Pray you follow. + Exeunt + + + + +<<THIS ELECTRONIC VERSION OF THE COMPLETE WORKS OF WILLIAM +SHAKESPEARE IS COPYRIGHT 1990-1993 BY WORLD LIBRARY, INC., AND IS +PROVIDED BY PROJECT GUTENBERG ETEXT OF CARNEGIE MELLON UNIVERSITY +WITH PERMISSION. ELECTRONIC AND MACHINE READABLE COPIES MAY BE +DISTRIBUTED SO LONG AS SUCH COPIES (1) ARE FOR YOUR OR OTHERS +PERSONAL USE ONLY, AND (2) ARE NOT DISTRIBUTED OR USED +COMMERCIALLY. PROHIBITED COMMERCIAL DISTRIBUTION INCLUDES BY ANY +SERVICE THAT CHARGES FOR DOWNLOAD TIME OR FOR MEMBERSHIP.>> + + + +SCENE 2. + +The street in Windsor + +Enter MISTRESS PAGE and ROBIN + + MRS. PAGE. Nay, keep your way, little gallant; you were + wont to be a follower, but now you are a leader. Whether + had you rather lead mine eyes, or eye your master's heels? + ROBIN. I had rather, forsooth, go before you like a man than + follow him like a dwarf. + MRS. PAGE. O, you are a flattering boy; now I see you'll be a + courtier. + + Enter FORD + + FORD. Well met, Mistress Page. Whither go you? + MRS. PAGE. Truly, sir, to see your wife. Is she at home? + FORD. Ay; and as idle as she may hang together, for want of + company. I think, if your husbands were dead, you two + would marry. + MRS. PAGE. Be sure of that-two other husbands. + FORD. Where had you this pretty weathercock? + MRS. PAGE. I cannot tell what the dickens his name is my + husband had him of. What do you call your knight's + name, sirrah? + ROBIN. Sir John Falstaff. + FORD. Sir John Falstaff! + MRS. PAGE. He, he; I can never hit on's name. There is such + a league between my good man and he! Is your wife at + home indeed? + FORD. Indeed she is. + MRS. PAGE. By your leave, sir. I am sick till I see her. + Exeunt MRS. PAGE and ROBIN + FORD. Has Page any brains? Hath he any eyes? Hath he any + thinking? Sure, they sleep; he hath no use of them. Why, + this boy will carry a letter twenty mile as easy as a cannon + will shoot pointblank twelve score. He pieces out his wife's + inclination; he gives her folly motion and advantage; and + now she's going to my wife, and Falstaff's boy with her. A + man may hear this show'r sing in the wind. And Falstaff's + boy with her! Good plots! They are laid; and our revolted + wives share damnation together. Well; I will take him, + then torture my wife, pluck the borrowed veil of modesty + from the so seeming Mistress Page, divulge Page himself + for a secure and wilful Actaeon; and to these violent +proceedings + all my neighbours shall cry aim. [Clock strikes] + The clock gives me my cue, and my assurance bids me + search; there I shall find Falstaff. I shall be rather +prais'd + for this than mock'd; for it is as positive as the earth is +firm + that Falstaff is there. I will go. + + Enter PAGE, SHALLOW, SLENDER, HOST, SIR HUGH EVANS, + CAIUS, and RUGBY + + SHALLOW, PAGE, &C. Well met, Master Ford. + FORD. Trust me, a good knot; I have good cheer at home, + and I pray you all go with me. + SHALLOW. I must excuse myself, Master Ford. + SLENDER. And so must I, sir; we have appointed to dine with + Mistress Anne, and I would not break with her for more + money than I'll speak of. + SHALLOW. We have linger'd about a match between Anne + Page and my cousin Slender, and this day we shall have + our answer. + SLENDER. I hope I have your good will, father Page. + PAGE. You have, Master Slender; I stand wholly for you. But + my wife, Master Doctor, is for you altogether. + CAIUS. Ay, be-gar; and de maid is love-a me; my nursh-a + Quickly tell me so mush. + HOST. What say you to young Master Fenton? He capers, + he dances, he has eyes of youth, he writes verses, he speaks + holiday, he smells April and May; he will carry 't, he will + carry 't; 'tis in his buttons; he will carry 't. + PAGE. Not by my consent, I promise you. The gentleman is + of no having: he kept company with the wild Prince and + Poins; he is of too high a region, he knows too much. No, + he shall not knit a knot in his fortunes with the finger of + my substance; if he take her, let him take her simply; the + wealth I have waits on my consent, and my consent goes + not that way. + FORD. I beseech you, heartily, some of you go home with me + to dinner: besides your cheer, you shall have sport; I will + show you a monster. Master Doctor, you shall go; so shall + you, Master Page; and you, Sir Hugh. + SHALLOW. Well, fare you well; we shall have the freer + wooing at Master Page's. Exeunt SHALLOW and SLENDER + CAIUS. Go home, John Rugby; I come anon. Exit RUGBY + HOST. Farewell, my hearts; I will to my honest knight + Falstaff, and drink canary with him. Exit HOST + FORD. [Aside] I think I shall drink in pipe-wine first with + him. I'll make him dance. Will you go, gentles? + ALL. Have with you to see this monster. Exeunt + + + + +<<THIS ELECTRONIC VERSION OF THE COMPLETE WORKS OF WILLIAM +SHAKESPEARE IS COPYRIGHT 1990-1993 BY WORLD LIBRARY, INC., AND IS +PROVIDED BY PROJECT GUTENBERG ETEXT OF CARNEGIE MELLON UNIVERSITY +WITH PERMISSION. ELECTRONIC AND MACHINE READABLE COPIES MAY BE +DISTRIBUTED SO LONG AS SUCH COPIES (1) ARE FOR YOUR OR OTHERS +PERSONAL USE ONLY, AND (2) ARE NOT DISTRIBUTED OR USED +COMMERCIALLY. PROHIBITED COMMERCIAL DISTRIBUTION INCLUDES BY ANY +SERVICE THAT CHARGES FOR DOWNLOAD TIME OR FOR MEMBERSHIP.>> + + + +SCENE 3. + +FORD'S house + +Enter MISTRESS FORD and MISTRESS PAGE + + MRS. FORD. What, John! what, Robert! + MRS. PAGE. Quickly, quickly! Is the buck-basket- + MRS. FORD. I warrant. What, Robin, I say! + + Enter SERVANTS with a basket + + MRS. PAGE. Come, come, come. + MRS. FORD. Here, set it down. + MRS. PAGE. Give your men the charge; we must be brief. + MRS. FORD. Marry, as I told you before, John and Robert, be + ready here hard by in the brew-house; and when I suddenly + call you, come forth, and, without any pause or + staggering, take this basket on your shoulders. That done, + trudge with it in all haste, and carry it among the whitsters + in Datchet Mead, and there empty it in the muddy ditch + close by the Thames side. + Mrs. PAGE. You will do it? + MRS. FORD. I ha' told them over and over; they lack no + direction. Be gone, and come when you are call'd. + Exeunt SERVANTS + MRS. PAGE. Here comes little Robin. + + Enter ROBIN + + MRS. FORD. How now, my eyas-musket, what news with + you? + ROBIN. My Master Sir John is come in at your back-door, + Mistress Ford, and requests your company. + MRS. PAGE. You little Jack-a-Lent, have you been true to us? + ROBIN. Ay, I'll be sworn. My master knows not of your + being here, and hath threat'ned to put me into everlasting + liberty, if I tell you of it; for he swears he'll turn me +away. + MRS. PAGE. Thou 'rt a good boy; this secrecy of thine shall + be a tailor to thee, and shall make thee a new doublet and + hose. I'll go hide me. + MRS. FORD. Do so. Go tell thy master I am alone. [Exit + ROBIN] Mistress Page, remember you your cue. + MRS. PAGE. I warrant thee; if I do not act it, hiss me. + Exit MRS. PAGE + MRS. FORD. Go to, then; we'll use this unwholesome + humidity, this gross wat'ry pumpion; we'll teach him to + know turtles from jays. + + Enter FALSTAFF + + FALSTAFF. Have I caught thee, my heavenly jewel? + Why, now let me die, for I have liv'd long enough; this is + the period of my ambition. O this blessed hour! + MRS. FORD. O sweet Sir John! + FALSTAFF. Mistress Ford, I cannot cog, I cannot prate, + Mistress Ford. Now shall I sin in my wish; I would thy + husband were dead; I'll speak it before the best lord, I + would make thee my lady. + MRS. FORD. I your lady, Sir John? Alas, I should be a pitiful + lady. + FALSTAFF. Let the court of France show me such another. I + see how thine eye would emulate the diamond; thou hast + the right arched beauty of the brow that becomes the + ship-tire, the tire-valiant, or any tire of Venetian +admittance. + MRS. FORD. A plain kerchief, Sir John; my brows become + nothing else, nor that well neither. + FALSTAFF. By the Lord, thou art a tyrant to say so; thou + wouldst make an absolute courtier, and the firm fixture of + thy foot would give an excellent motion to thy gait in a + semi-circled farthingale. I see what thou wert, if Fortune + thy foe were, not Nature, thy friend. Come, thou canst not + hide it. + MRS. FORD. Believe me, there's no such thing in me. + FALSTAFF. What made me love thee? Let that persuade thee + there's something extra-ordinary in thee. Come, I cannot + cog, and say thou art this and that, like a many of these + lisping hawthorn-buds that come like women in men's + apparel, and smell like Bucklersbury in simple time; I + cannot; but I love thee, none but thee; and thou deserv'st +it. + MRS. FORD. Do not betray me, sir; I fear you love Mistress + Page. + FALSTAFF. Thou mightst as well say I love to walk by the + Counter-gate, which is as hateful to me as the reek of a + lime-kiln. + MRS. FORD. Well, heaven knows how I love you; and you + shall one day find it. + FALSTAFF. Keep in that mind; I'll deserve it. + MRS. FORD. Nay, I must tell you, so you do; or else I could + not be in that mind. + ROBIN. [Within] Mistress Ford, Mistress Ford! here's + Mistress Page at the door, sweating and blowing and looking + wildly, and would needs speak with you presently. + FALSTAFF. She shall not see me; I will ensconce me behind + the arras. + MRS. FORD. Pray you, do so; she's a very tattling woman. + [FALSTAFF hides himself] + + Re-enter MISTRESS PAGE and ROBIN + + What's the matter? How now! + MRS. PAGE. O Mistress Ford, what have you done? You're + sham'd, y'are overthrown, y'are undone for ever. + MRS. FORD. What's the matter, good Mistress Page? + MRS. PAGE. O well-a-day, Mistress Ford, having an honest + man to your husband, to give him such cause of suspicion! + MRS. FORD. What cause of suspicion? + MRS. PAGE. What cause of suspicion? Out upon you, how + am I mistook in you! + MRS. FORD. Why, alas, what's the matter? + MRS. PAGE. Your husband's coming hither, woman, with all + the officers in Windsor, to search for a gentleman that he + says is here now in the house, by your consent, to take an + ill advantage of his absence. You are undone. + MRS. FORD. 'Tis not so, I hope. + MRS. PAGE. Pray heaven it be not so that you have such a + man here; but 'tis most certain your husband's coming, + with half Windsor at his heels, to search for such a one. I + come before to tell you. If you know yourself clear, why, + I am glad of it; but if you have a friend here, convey, + convey him out. Be not amaz'd; call all your senses to you; + defend your reputation, or bid farewell to your good life + for ever. + MRS. FORD. What shall I do? There is a gentleman, my dear + friend; and I fear not mine own shame as much as his peril. + I had rather than a thousand pound he were out of the + house. + MRS. PAGE. For shame, never stand 'you had rather' and 'you + had rather'! Your husband's here at hand; bethink you of + some conveyance; in the house you cannot hide him. O, + how have you deceiv'd me! Look, here is a basket; if he be + of any reasonable stature, he may creep in here; and throw + foul linen upon him, as if it were going to bucking, or-it is + whiting-time-send him by your two men to Datchet + Mead. + MRS. FORD. He's too big to go in there. What shall I do? + FALSTAFF. [Coming forward] Let me see 't, let me see 't. O, + let me see 't! I'll in, I'll in; follow your friend's +counsel; + I'll in. + MRS. PAGE. What, Sir John Falstaff! [Aside to FALSTAFF] + Are these your letters, knight? + FALSTAFF. [Aside to MRS. PAGE] I love thee and none but + thee; help me away.-Let me creep in here; I'll never- + [Gets into the basket; they cover him with foul linen] + MRS. PAGE. Help to cover your master, boy. Call your men, + Mistress Ford. You dissembling knight! + MRS. FORD. What, John! Robert! John! Exit ROBIN + + Re-enter SERVANTS + + Go, take up these clothes here, quickly; where's the + cowl-staff? Look how you drumble. Carry them to the laundress + in Datchet Mead; quickly, come. + + Enter FORD, PAGE, CAIUS, and SIR HUGH EVANS + + FORD. Pray you come near. If I suspect without cause, why + then make sport at me, then let me be your jest; I deserve + it. How now, whither bear you this? + SERVANT. To the laundress, forsooth. + MRS. FORD. Why, what have you to do whither they bear it? + You were best meddle with buck-washing. + FORD. Buck? I would I could wash myself of the buck! + Buck, buck, buck! ay, buck! I warrant you, buck; and of + the season too, it shall appear. [Exeunt SERVANTS with + basket] Gentlemen, I have dream'd to-night; I'll tell you my + dream. Here, here, here be my keys; ascend my chambers, + search, seek, find out. I'll warrant we'll unkennel the fox. + Let me stop this way first. [Locking the door] So, now + uncape. + PAGE. Good Master Ford, be contented; you wrong yourself + too much. + FORD. True, Master Page. Up, gentlemen, you shall see sport + anon; follow me, gentlemen. Exit + EVANS. This is fery fantastical humours and jealousies. + CAIUS. By gar, 'tis no the fashion of France; it is not jealous + in France. + PAGE. Nay, follow him, gentlemen; see the issue of his + search. Exeunt EVANS, PAGE, and CAIUS + MRS. PAGE. Is there not a double excellency in this? + MRS. FORD. I know not which pleases me better, that my + husband is deceived, or Sir John. + MRS. PAGE. What a taking was he in when your husband + ask'd who was in the basket! + MRS. FORD. I am half afraid he will have need of washing; so + throwing him into the water will do him a benefit. + MRS. PAGE. Hang him, dishonest rascal! I would all of the + same strain were in the same distress. + MRS. FORD. I think my husband hath some special suspicion + of Falstaff's being here, for I never saw him so gross in his + jealousy till now. + MRS. PAGE. I Will lay a plot to try that, and we will yet have + more tricks with Falstaff. His dissolute disease will scarce + obey this medicine. + MRS. FORD. Shall we send that foolish carrion, Mistress + Quickly, to him, and excuse his throwing into the water, + and give him another hope, to betray him to another + punishment? + MRS. PAGE. We will do it; let him be sent for to-morrow + eight o'clock, to have amends. + + Re-enter FORD, PAGE, CAIUS, and SIR HUGH EVANS + + FORD. I cannot find him; may be the knave bragg'd of that + he could not compass. + MRS. PAGE. [Aside to MRS. FORD] Heard you that? + MRS. FORD. You use me well, Master Ford, do you? + FORD. Ay, I do so. + MRS. FORD. Heaven make you better than your thoughts! + FORD. Amen. + MRS. PAGE. You do yourself mighty wrong, Master Ford. + FORD. Ay, ay; I must bear it. + EVANS. If there be any pody in the house, and in the + chambers, and in the coffers, and in the presses, heaven +forgive + my sins at the day of judgment! + CAIUS. Be gar, nor I too; there is no bodies. + PAGE. Fie, fie, Master Ford, are you not asham'd? What + spirit, what devil suggests this imagination? I would not ha' + your distemper in this kind for the wealth of Windsor + Castle. + FORD. 'Tis my fault, Master Page; I suffer for it. + EVANS. You suffer for a pad conscience. Your wife is as + honest a omans as I will desires among five thousand, and +five + hundred too. + CAIUS. By gar, I see 'tis an honest woman. + FORD. Well, I promis'd you a dinner. Come, come, walk in + the Park. I pray you pardon me; I will hereafter make + known to you why I have done this. Come, wife, come, + Mistress Page; I pray you pardon me; pray heartly, + pardon me. + PAGE. Let's go in, gentlemen; but, trust me, we'll mock him. + I do invite you to-morrow morning to my house to breakfast; + after, we'll a-birding together; I have a fine hawk for + the bush. Shall it be so? + FORD. Any thing. + EVANS. If there is one, I shall make two in the company. + CAIUS. If there be one or two, I shall make-a the turd. + FORD. Pray you go, Master Page. + EVANS. I pray you now, remembrance to-morrow on the + lousy knave, mine host. + CAIUS. Dat is good; by gar, with all my heart. + EVANS. A lousy knave, to have his gibes and his mockeries! + Exeunt + + + + +SCENE 4. + +Before PAGE'S house + +Enter FENTON and ANNE PAGE + + FENTON. I see I cannot get thy father's love; + Therefore no more turn me to him, sweet Nan. + ANNE. Alas, how then? + FENTON. Why, thou must be thyself. + He doth object I am too great of birth; + And that, my state being gall'd with my expense, + I seek to heal it only by his wealth. + Besides these, other bars he lays before me, + My riots past, my wild societies; + And tells me 'tis a thing impossible + I should love thee but as a property. + ANNE.. May be he tells you true. + FENTON. No, heaven so speed me in my time to come! + Albeit I will confess thy father's wealth + Was the first motive that I woo'd thee, Anne; + Yet, wooing thee, I found thee of more value + Than stamps in gold, or sums in sealed bags; + And 'tis the very riches of thyself + That now I aim at. + ANNE. Gentle Master Fenton, + Yet seek my father's love; still seek it, sir. + If opportunity and humblest suit + Cannot attain it, why then-hark you hither. + [They converse apart] + + Enter SHALLOW, SLENDER, and MISTRESS QUICKLY + + SHALLOW. Break their talk, Mistress Quickly; my kinsman + shall speak for himself. + SLENDER. I'll make a shaft or a bolt on 't; 'slid, 'tis but + venturing. + SHALLOW. Be not dismay'd. + SLENDER. No, she shall not dismay me. I care not for that, + but that I am afeard. + QUICKLY. Hark ye, Master Slender would speak a word + with you. + ANNE. I come to him. [Aside] This is my father's choice. + O, what a world of vile ill-favour'd faults + Looks handsome in three hundred pounds a year! + QUICKLY. And how does good Master Fenton? Pray you, a + word with you. + SHALLOW. She's coming; to her, coz. O boy, thou hadst a + father! + SLENDER. I had a father, Mistress Anne; my uncle can tell + you good jests of him. Pray you, uncle, tell Mistress Anne + the jest how my father stole two geese out of a pen, good + uncle. + SHALLOW. Mistress Anne, my cousin loves you. + SLENDER. Ay, that I do; as well as I love any woman in + Gloucestershire. + SHALLOW. He will maintain you like a gentlewoman. + SLENDER. Ay, that I will come cut and longtail, under the + degree of a squire. + SHALLOW. He will make you a hundred and fifty pounds + jointure. + ANNE. Good Master Shallow, let him woo for himself. + SHALLOW. Marry, I thank you for it; I thank you for that + good comfort. She calls you, coz; I'll leave you. + ANNE. Now, Master Slender- + SLENDER. Now, good Mistress Anne- + ANNE. What is your will? + SLENDER. My Will! 'Od's heartlings, that's a pretty jest + indeed! I ne'er made my will yet, I thank heaven; I am not + such a sickly creature, I give heaven praise. + ANNE. I mean, Master Slender, what would you with me? + SLENDER. Truly, for mine own part I would little or nothing + with you. Your father and my uncle hath made motions; + if it be my luck, so; if not, happy man be his dole! They + can tell you how things go better than I can. You may ask + your father; here he comes. + + Enter PAGE and MISTRESS PAGE + + PAGE. Now, Master Slender! Love him, daughter Anne- + Why, how now, what does Master Fenton here? + You wrong me, sir, thus still to haunt my house. + I told you, sir, my daughter is dispos'd of. + FENTON. Nay, Master Page, be not impatient. + MRS. PAGE. Good Master Fenton, come not to my child. + PAGE. She is no match for you. + FENTON. Sir, will you hear me? + PAGE. No, good Master Fenton. + Come, Master Shallow; come, son Slender; in. + Knowing my mind, you wrong me, Master Fenton. + Exeunt PAGE, SHALLOW, and SLENDER + QUICKLY. Speak to Mistress Page. + FENTON. Good Mistress Page, for that I love your daughter + In such a righteous fashion as I do, + Perforce, against all checks, rebukes, and manners, + I must advance the colours of my love, + And not retire. Let me have your good will. + ANNE. Good mother, do not marry me to yond fool. + MRS. PAGE. I mean it not; I seek you a better husband. + QUICKLY. That's my master, Master Doctor. + ANNE. Alas, I had rather be set quick i' th' earth. + And bowl'd to death with turnips. + MRS. PAGE. Come, trouble not yourself. Good Master + Fenton, + I will not be your friend, nor enemy; + My daughter will I question how she loves you, + And as I find her, so am I affected; + Till then, farewell, sir; she must needs go in; + Her father will be angry. + FENTON. Farewell, gentle mistress; farewell, Nan. + Exeunt MRS. PAGE and ANNE + QUICKLY. This is my doing now: 'Nay,' said I 'will you cast + away your child on a fool, and a physician? Look on + Master Fenton.' This is my doing. + FENTON. I thank thee; and I pray thee, once to-night + Give my sweet Nan this ring. There's for thy pains. + QUICKLY. Now Heaven send thee good fortune! [Exit + FENTON] A kind heart he hath; a woman would run through + fire and water for such a kind heart. But yet I would my + master had Mistress Anne; or I would Master Slender had + her; or, in sooth, I would Master Fenton had her; I will + do what I can for them all three, for so I have promis'd, + and I'll be as good as my word; but speciously for Master + Fenton. Well, I must of another errand to Sir John Falstaff + from my two mistresses. What a beast am I to slack it! + Exit + + + + +SCENE 5. + +The Garter Inn + +Enter FALSTAFF and BARDOLPH + + FALSTAFF. Bardolph, I say! + BARDOLPH. Here, sir. + FALSTAFF. Go fetch me a quart of sack; put a toast in 't. + Exit BARDOLPH + Have I liv'd to be carried in a basket, like a barrow of + butcher's offal, and to be thrown in the Thames? Well, if + I be serv'd such another trick, I'll have my brains ta'en out + and butter'd, and give them to a dog for a new-year's gift. + The rogues slighted me into the river with as little remorse + as they would have drown'd a blind bitch's puppies, fifteen + i' th' litter; and you may know by my size that I have + a kind of alacrity in sinking; if the bottom were as deep as + hell I should down. I had been drown'd but that the shore + was shelvy and shallow-a death that I abhor; for the water + swells a man; and what a thing should I have been when + had been swell'd! I should have been a mountain of + mummy. + + Re-enter BARDOLPH, with sack + + BARDOLPH. Here's Mistress Quickly, sir, to speak with you + FALSTAFF. Come, let me pour in some sack to the Thames + water; for my belly's as cold as if I had swallow'd + snowballs for pills to cool the reins. Call her in. + BARDOLPH. Come in, woman. + + Enter MISTRESS QUICKLY + + QUICKLY. By your leave; I cry you mercy. Give your + worship good morrow. + FALSTAFF. Take away these chalices. Go, brew me a pottle + of sack finely. + BARDOLPH. With eggs, sir? + FALSTAFF. Simple of itself; I'll no pullet-sperm in my + brewage. [Exit BARDOLPH] How now! + QUICKLY. Marry, sir, I come to your worship from Mistress + Ford. + FALSTAFF. Mistress Ford! I have had ford enough; I was + thrown into the ford; I have my belly full of ford. + QUICKLY. Alas the day, good heart, that was not her fault! + She does so take on with her men; they mistook their + erection. + FALSTAFF. So did I mine, to build upon a foolish woman's + promise. + QUICKLY. Well, she laments, sir, for it, that it would yearn + your heart to see it. Her husband goes this morning + a-birding; she desires you once more to come to her between + eight and nine; I must carry her word quickly. She'll make + you amends, I warrant you. + FALSTAFF. Well, I Will visit her. Tell her so; and bid her + think what a man is. Let her consider his frailty, and then + judge of my merit. + QUICKLY. I will tell her. + FALSTAFF. Do so. Between nine and ten, say'st thou? + QUICKLY. Eight and nine, sir. + FALSTAFF. Well, be gone; I will not miss her. + QUICKLY. Peace be with you, sir. Exit + FALSTAFF. I marvel I hear not of Master Brook; he sent me + word to stay within. I like his money well. O, here he + comes. + + Enter FORD disguised + + FORD. Bless you, sir! + FALSTAFF. Now, Master Brook, you come to know what + hath pass'd between me and Ford's wife? + FORD. That, indeed, Sir John, is my business. + FALSTAFF. Master Brook, I will not lie to you; I was at her + house the hour she appointed me. + FORD. And sped you, sir? + FALSTAFF. Very ill-favouredly, Master Brook. + FORD. How so, sir; did she change her determination? + FALSTAFF. No. Master Brook; but the peaking cornuto her + husband, Master Brook, dwelling in a continual 'larum of + jealousy, comes me in the instant of our, encounter, after + we had embrac'd, kiss'd, protested, and, as it were, spoke + the prologue of our comedy; and at his heels a rabble of his + companions, thither provoked and instigated by his + distemper, and, forsooth, to search his house for his wife's + love. + FORD. What, while you were there? + FALSTAFF. While I was there. + FORD. And did he search for you, and could not find you? + FALSTAFF. You shall hear. As good luck would have it, comes + in one Mistress Page, gives intelligence of Ford's approach; + and, in her invention and Ford's wife's distraction, they + convey'd me into a buck-basket. + FORD. A buck-basket! + FALSTAFF. By the Lord, a buck-basket! Ramm'd me in with + foul shirts and smocks, socks, foul stockings, greasy + napkins, that, Master Brook, there was the rankest compound + of villainous smell that ever offended nostril. + FORD. And how long lay you there? + FALSTAFF. Nay, you shall hear, Master Brook, what I have + suffer'd to bring this woman to evil for your good. Being + thus cramm'd in the basket, a couple of Ford's knaves, his + hinds, were call'd forth by their mistress to carry me in + the name of foul clothes to Datchet Lane; they took me on + their shoulders; met the jealous knave their master in the + door; who ask'd them once or twice what they had in their + basket. I quak'd for fear lest the lunatic knave would have + search'd it; but Fate, ordaining he should be a cuckold, + held his hand. Well, on went he for a search, and away + went I for foul clothes. But mark the sequel, Master + Brook-I suffered the pangs of three several deaths: first, + an intolerable fright to be detected with a jealous rotten + bell-wether; next, to be compass'd like a good bilbo in the + circumference of a peck, hilt to point, heel to head; and + then, to be stopp'd in, like a strong distillation, with + stinking clothes that fretted in their own grease. Think of +that + -a man of my kidney. Think of that-that am as subject to + heat as butter; a man of continual dissolution and thaw. It + was a miracle to scape suffocation. And in the height of + this bath, when I was more than half-stew'd in grease, like + a Dutch dish, to be thrown into the Thames, and cool'd, + glowing hot, in that surge, like a horse-shoe; think of that + -hissing hot. Think of that, Master Brook. + FORD. In good sadness, sir, I am sorry that for my sake you + have suffer'd all this. My suit, then, is desperate; + you'll undertake her no more. + FALSTAFF. Master Brook, I will be thrown into Etna, as I + have been into Thames, ere I will leave her thus. Her + husband is this morning gone a-birding; I have received from + her another embassy of meeting; 'twixt eight and nine is + the hour, Master Brook. + FORD. 'Tis past eight already, sir. + FALSTAFF. Is it? I Will then address me to my appointment. + Come to me at your convenient leisure, and you shall + know how I speed; and the conclusion shall be crowned + with your enjoying her. Adieu. You shall have her, Master + Brook; Master Brook, you shall cuckold Ford. Exit + FORD. Hum! ha! Is this a vision? Is this a dream? Do I sleep? + Master Ford, awake; awake, Master Ford. There's a hole + made in your best coat, Master Ford. This 'tis to be + married; this 'tis to have linen and buck-baskets! Well, I +will + proclaim myself what I am; I will now take the lecher; he + is at my house. He cannot scape me; 'tis impossible he + should; he cannot creep into a halfpenny purse nor into + a pepper box. But, lest the devil that guides him should aid + him, I will search impossible places. Though what I am I + cannot avoid, yet to be what I would not shall not make + me tame. If I have horns to make one mad, let the proverb + go with me-I'll be horn mad. Exit + + + + +<<THIS ELECTRONIC VERSION OF THE COMPLETE WORKS OF WILLIAM +SHAKESPEARE IS COPYRIGHT 1990-1993 BY WORLD LIBRARY, INC., AND IS +PROVIDED BY PROJECT GUTENBERG ETEXT OF CARNEGIE MELLON UNIVERSITY +WITH PERMISSION. ELECTRONIC AND MACHINE READABLE COPIES MAY BE +DISTRIBUTED SO LONG AS SUCH COPIES (1) ARE FOR YOUR OR OTHERS +PERSONAL USE ONLY, AND (2) ARE NOT DISTRIBUTED OR USED +COMMERCIALLY. PROHIBITED COMMERCIAL DISTRIBUTION INCLUDES BY ANY +SERVICE THAT CHARGES FOR DOWNLOAD TIME OR FOR MEMBERSHIP.>> + + + +ACT IV. SCENE I. + +Windsor. A street + +Enter MISTRESS PAGE, MISTRESS QUICKLY, and WILLIAM + + MRS. PAGE. Is he at Master Ford's already, think'st thou? + QUICKLY. Sure he is by this; or will be presently; but truly + he is very courageous mad about his throwing into the + water. Mistress Ford desires you to come suddenly. + MRS. PAGE. I'll be with her by and by; I'll but bring my + young man here to school. Look where his master comes; + 'tis a playing day, I see. + + Enter SIR HUGH EVANS + + How now, Sir Hugh, no school to-day? + EVANS. No; Master Slender is let the boys leave to play. + QUICKLY. Blessing of his heart! + MRS. PAGE. Sir Hugh, my husband says my son profits + nothing in the world at his book; I pray you ask him some + questions in his accidence. + EVANS. Come hither, William; hold up your head; come. + MRS. PAGE. Come on, sirrah; hold up your head; answer your + master; be not afraid. + EVANS. William, how many numbers is in nouns? + WILLIAM. Two. + QUICKLY. Truly, I thought there had been one number + more, because they say 'Od's nouns.' + EVANS. Peace your tattlings. What is 'fair,' William? + WILLIAM. Pulcher. + QUICKLY. Polecats! There are fairer things than polecats, + sure. + EVANS. You are a very simplicity oman; I pray you, peace. + What is 'lapis,' William? + WILLIAM. A stone. + EVANS. And what is 'a stone,' William? + WILLIAM. A pebble. + EVANS. No, it is 'lapis'; I pray you remember in your prain. + WILLIAM. Lapis. + EVANS. That is a good William. What is he, William, that + does lend articles? + WILLIAM. Articles are borrowed of the pronoun, and be + thus declined: Singulariter, nominativo; hic, haec, hoc. + EVANS. Nominativo, hig, hag, hog; pray you, mark: genitivo, + hujus. Well, what is your accusative case? + WILLIAM. Accusativo, hinc. + EVANS. I pray you, have your remembrance, child. + Accusativo, hung, hang, hog. + QUICKLY. 'Hang-hog' is Latin for bacon, I warrant you. + EVANS. Leave your prabbles, oman. What is the focative + case, William? + WILLIAM. O-vocativo, O. + EVANS. Remember, William: focative is caret. + QUICKLY. And that's a good root. + EVANS. Oman, forbear. + MRS. PAGE. Peace. + EVANS. What is your genitive case plural, William? + WILLIAM. Genitive case? + EVANS. Ay. + WILLIAM. Genitive: horum, harum, horum. + QUICKLY. Vengeance of Jenny's case; fie on her! Never + name her, child, if she be a whore. + EVANS. For shame, oman. + QUICKLY. YOU do ill to teach the child such words. He + teaches him to hick and to hack, which they'll do fast + enough of themselves; and to call 'horum'; fie upon you! + EVANS. Oman, art thou lunatics? Hast thou no understandings + for thy cases, and the numbers of the genders? Thou + art as foolish Christian creatures as I would desires. + MRS. PAGE. Prithee hold thy peace. + EVANS. Show me now, William, some declensions of your + pronouns. + WILLIAM. Forsooth, I have forgot. + EVANS. It is qui, quae, quod; if you forget your qui's, your + quae's, and your quod's, you must be preeches. Go your + ways and play; go. + MRS. PAGE. He is a better scholar than I thought he was. + EVANS. He is a good sprag memory. Farewell, Mistress Page. + MRS. PAGE. Adieu, good Sir Hugh. Exit SIR HUGH + Get you home, boy. Come, we stay too long. Exeunt + + + + +SCENE 2. + +FORD'S house + +Enter FALSTAFF and MISTRESS FORD + + FALSTAFF. Mistress Ford, your sorrow hath eaten up my + sufferance. I see you are obsequious in your love, and I + profess requital to a hair's breadth; not only, Mistress +Ford, in + the simple office of love, but in all the accoutrement, + complement, and ceremony of it. But are you sure of your + husband now? + MRS. FORD. He's a-birding, sweet Sir John. + MRS. PAGE. [Within] What hoa, gossip Ford, what hoa! + MRS. FORD. Step into th' chamber, Sir John. Exit FALSTAFF + + Enter MISTRESS PAGE + + MRS. PAGE. How now, sweetheart, who's at home besides + yourself? + MRS. FORD. Why, none but mine own people. + MRS. PAGE. Indeed? + MRS. FORD. No, certainly. [Aside to her] Speak louder. + MRS. PAGE. Truly, I am so glad you have nobody here. + MRS. FORD. Why? + MRS. PAGE. Why, woman, your husband is in his old lunes + again. He so takes on yonder with my husband; so rails + against all married mankind; so curses all Eve's daughters, + of what complexion soever; and so buffets himself on the + forehead, crying 'Peer-out, peer-out!' that any madness I + ever yet beheld seem'd but tameness, civility, and patience, + to this his distemper he is in now. I am glad the fat knight + is not here. + MRS. FORD. Why, does he talk of him? + MRS. PAGE. Of none but him; and swears he was carried out, + the last time he search'd for him, in a basket; protests to + my husband he is now here; and hath drawn him and the + rest of their company from their sport, to make another + experiment of his suspicion. But I am glad the knight is not + here; now he shall see his own foolery. + MRS. FORD. How near is he, Mistress Page? + MRS. PAGE. Hard by, at street end; he will be here anon. + MRS. FORD. I am undone: the knight is here. + MRS. PAGE. Why, then, you are utterly sham'd, and he's but + a dead man. What a woman are you! Away with him, + away with him; better shame than murder. + MRS. FORD. Which way should he go? How should I bestow + him? Shall I put him into the basket again? + + Re-enter FALSTAFF + + FALSTAFF. No, I'll come no more i' th' basket. May I not go + out ere he come? + MRS. PAGE. Alas, three of Master Ford's brothers watch the + door with pistols, that none shall issue out; otherwise you + might slip away ere he came. But what make you here? + FALSTAFF. What shall I do? I'll creep up into the chimney. + MRS. FORD. There they always use to discharge their + birding-pieces. + MRS. PAGE. Creep into the kiln-hole. + FALSTAFF. Where is it? + MRS. FORD. He will seek there, on my word. Neither press, + coffer, chest, trunk, well, vault, but he hath an abstract +for + the remembrance of such places, and goes to them by his + note. There is no hiding you in the house. + FALSTAFF. I'll go out then. + MRS. PAGE. If you go out in your own semblance, you die, + Sir John. Unless you go out disguis'd. + MRS. FORD. How might we disguise him? + MRS. PAGE. Alas the day, I know not! There is no woman's + gown big enough for him; otherwise he might put on a + hat, a muffler, and a kerchief, and so escape. + FALSTAFF. Good hearts, devise something; any extremity + rather than a mischief. + MRS. FORD. My Maid's aunt, the fat woman of Brainford, has + a gown above. + MRS. PAGE. On my word, it will serve him; she's as big as he + is; and there's her thrumm'd hat, and her muffler too. Run + up, Sir John. + MRS. FORD. Go, go, sweet Sir John. Mistress Page and I will + look some linen for your head. + MRS. PAGE. Quick, quick; we'll come dress you straight. Put + on the gown the while. Exit FALSTAFF + MRS. FORD. I would my husband would meet him in this + shape; he cannot abide the old woman of Brainford; he + swears she's a witch, forbade her my house, and hath + threat'ned to beat her. + MRS. PAGE. Heaven guide him to thy husband's cudgel; and + the devil guide his cudgel afterwards! + MRS. FORD. But is my husband coming? + MRS. PAGE. Ay, in good sadness is he; and talks of the basket + too, howsoever he hath had intelligence. + MRS. FORD. We'll try that; for I'll appoint my men to carry + the basket again, to meet him at the door with it as they + did last time. + MRS. PAGE. Nay, but he'll be here presently; let's go dress + him like the witch of Brainford. + MRS. FORD. I'll first direct my men what they shall do with + the basket. Go up; I'll bring linen for him straight. Exit + MRS. PAGE. Hang him, dishonest varlet! we cannot misuse + him enough. + We'll leave a proof, by that which we will do, + Wives may be merry and yet honest too. + We do not act that often jest and laugh; + 'Tis old but true: Still swine eats all the draff. Exit + + Re-enter MISTRESS FORD, with two SERVANTS + + MRS. FORD. Go, sirs, take the basket again on your shoulders; + your master is hard at door; if he bid you set it down, obey + him; quickly, dispatch. Exit + FIRST SERVANT. Come, come, take it up. + SECOND SERVANT. Pray heaven it be not full of knight again. + FIRST SERVANT. I hope not; I had lief as bear so much lead. + + Enter FORD, PAGE, SHALLOW, CAIUS, and SIR HUGH EVANS + + FORD. Ay, but if it prove true, Master Page, have you any + way then to unfool me again? Set down the basket, villain! + Somebody call my wife. Youth in a basket! O you panderly + rascals, there's a knot, a ging, a pack, a conspiracy + against me. Now shall the devil be sham'd. What, wife, I + say! Come, come forth; behold what honest clothes you + send forth to bleaching. + PAGE. Why, this passes, Master Ford; you are not to go loose + any longer; you must be pinion'd. + EVANS. Why, this is lunatics. This is mad as a mad dog. + SHALLOW. Indeed, Master Ford, this is not well, indeed. + FORD. So say I too, sir. + + Re-enter MISTRESS FORD + + Come hither, Mistress Ford; Mistress Ford, the honest + woman, the modest wife, the virtuous creature, that hath + the jealous fool to her husband! I suspect without cause, + Mistress, do I? + MRS. FORD. Heaven be my witness, you do, if you suspect + me in any dishonesty. + FORD. Well said, brazen-face; hold it out. Come forth, sirrah. + [Pulling clothes out of the basket] + PAGE. This passes! + MRS. FORD. Are you not asham'd? Let the clothes alone. + FORD. I shall find you anon. + EVANS. 'Tis unreasonable. Will you take up your wife's + clothes? Come away. + FORD. Empty the basket, I say. + MRS. FORD. Why, man, why? + FORD. Master Page, as I am a man, there was one convey'd + out of my house yesterday in this basket. Why may not + he be there again? In my house I am sure he is; my + intelligence is true; my jealousy is reasonable. + Pluck me out all the linen. + MRS. FORD. If you find a man there, he shall die a flea's + death. + PAGE. Here's no man. + SHALLOW. By my fidelity, this is not well, Master Ford; this + wrongs you. + EVANS. Master Ford, you must pray, and not follow the + imaginations of your own heart; this is jealousies. + FORD. Well, he's not here I seek for. + PAGE. No, nor nowhere else but in your brain. + FORD. Help to search my house this one time. If I find not + what I seek, show no colour for my extremity; let me for + ever be your table sport; let them say of me 'As jealous as + Ford, that search'd a hollow walnut for his wife's leman.' + Satisfy me once more; once more search with me. + MRS. FORD. What, hoa, Mistress Page! Come you and the old + woman down; my husband will come into the chamber. + FORD. Old woman? what old woman's that? + MRS. FORD. Why, it is my maid's aunt of Brainford. + FORD. A witch, a quean, an old cozening quean! Have I not + forbid her my house? She comes of errands, does she? We + are simple men; we do not know what's brought to pass + under the profession of fortune-telling. She works by + charms, by spells, by th' figure, and such daub'ry as this + is, beyond our element. We know nothing. Come down, you + witch, you hag you; come down, I say. + MRS. FORD. Nay, good sweet husband! Good gentlemen, let + him not strike the old woman. + + Re-enter FALSTAFF in woman's clothes, and MISTRESS PAGE + + MRS. PAGE. Come, Mother Prat; come. give me your hand. + FORD. I'll prat her. [Beating him] Out of my door, you + witch, you hag, you. baggage, you polecat, you ronyon! + Out, out! I'll conjure you, I'll fortune-tell you. + Exit FALSTAFF + MRS. PAGE. Are you not asham'd? I think you have kill'd the + poor woman. + MRS. FORD. Nay, he will do it. 'Tis a goodly credit for you. + FORD. Hang her, witch! + EVANS. By yea and no, I think the oman is a witch indeed; I + like not when a oman has a great peard; I spy a great peard + under his muffler. + FORD. Will you follow, gentlemen? I beseech you follow; + see but the issue of my jealousy; if I cry out thus upon no + trail, never trust me when I open again. + PAGE. Let's obey his humour a little further. Come, + gentlemen. Exeunt all but MRS. FORD and MRS. PAGE + MRS. PAGE. Trust me, he beat him most pitifully. + MRS. FORD. Nay, by th' mass, that he did not; he beat him + most unpitifully methought. + MRS. PAGE. I'll have the cudgel hallow'd and hung o'er the + altar; it hath done meritorious service. + MRS. FORD. What think you? May we, with the warrant of + womanhood and the witness of a good conscience, pursue + him with any further revenge? + MRS. PAGE. The spirit of wantonness is sure scar'd out of + him; if the devil have him not in fee-simple, with fine and + recovery, he will never, I think, in the way of waste, + attempt us again. + MRS. FORD. Shall we tell our husbands how we have serv'd + him? + MRS. PAGE. Yes, by all means; if it be but to scrape the + figures out of your husband's brains. If they can find in +their + hearts the poor unvirtuous fat knight shall be any further + afflicted, we two will still be the ministers. + MRS. FORD. I'll warrant they'll have him publicly sham'd; + and methinks there would be no period to the jest, should + he not be publicly sham'd. + MRS. PAGE. Come, to the forge with it then; shape it. I + would not have things cool. Exeunt + + + + +SCENE 3. + +The Garter Inn + +Enter HOST and BARDOLPH + + BARDOLPH. Sir, the Germans desire to have three of your + horses; the Duke himself will be to-morrow at court, and + they are going to meet him. + HOST. What duke should that be comes so secretly? I hear + not of him in the court. Let me speak with the gentlemen; + they speak English? + BARDOLPH. Ay, sir; I'll call them to you. + HOST. They shall have my horses, but I'll make them pay; + I'll sauce them; they have had my house a week at + command; I have turn'd away my other guests. They must + come off; I'll sauce them. Come. Exeunt + + + + +SCENE 4 + +FORD'S house + +Enter PAGE, FORD, MISTRESS PAGE, MISTRESS FORD, and SIR HUGH +EVANS + + EVANS. 'Tis one of the best discretions of a oman as ever + did look upon. + PAGE. And did he send you both these letters at an instant? + MRS. PAGE. Within a quarter of an hour. + FORD. Pardon me, wife. Henceforth, do what thou wilt; + I rather will suspect the sun with cold + Than thee with wantonness. Now doth thy honour stand, + In him that was of late an heretic, + As firm as faith. + PAGE. 'Tis well, 'tis well; no more. + Be not as extreme in submission as in offence; + But let our plot go forward. Let our wives + Yet once again, to make us public sport, + Appoint a meeting with this old fat fellow, + Where we may take him and disgrace him for it. + FORD. There is no better way than that they spoke of. + PAGE. How? To send him word they'll meet him in the Park + at midnight? Fie, fie! he'll never come! + EVANS. You say he has been thrown in the rivers; and has + been grievously peaten as an old oman; methinks there + should be terrors in him, that he should not come; + methinks his flesh is punish'd; he shall have no desires. + PAGE. So think I too. + MRS. FORD. Devise but how you'll use him when he comes, + And let us two devise to bring him thither. + MRS. PAGE. There is an old tale goes that Herne the Hunter, + Sometime a keeper here in Windsor Forest, + Doth all the winter-time, at still midnight, + Walk round about an oak, with great ragg'd horns; + And there he blasts the tree, and takes the cattle, + And makes milch-kine yield blood, and shakes a chain + In a most hideous and dreadful manner. + You have heard of such a spirit, and well you know + The superstitious idle-headed eld + Receiv'd, and did deliver to our age, + This tale of Herne the Hunter for a truth. + PAGE. Why yet there want not many that do fear + In deep of night to walk by this Herne's oak. + But what of this? + MRS. FORD. Marry, this is our device- + That Falstaff at that oak shall meet with us, + Disguis'd, like Herme, with huge horns on his head. + PAGE. Well, let it not be doubted but he'll come, + And in this shape. When you have brought him thither, + What shall be done with him? What is your plot? + MRS. PAGE. That likewise have we thought upon, and + thus: + Nan Page my daughter, and my little son, + And three or four more of their growth, we'll dress + Like urchins, ouphes, and fairies, green and white, + With rounds of waxen tapers on their heads, + And rattles in their hands; upon a sudden, + As Falstaff, she, and I, are newly met, + Let them from forth a sawpit rush at once + With some diffused song; upon their sight + We two in great amazedness will fly. + Then let them all encircle him about, + And fairy-like, to pinch the unclean knight; + And ask him why, that hour of fairy revel, + In their so sacred paths he dares to tread + In shape profane. + MRS. FORD. And till he tell the truth, + Let the supposed fairies pinch him sound, + And burn him with their tapers. + MRS. PAGE. The truth being known, + We'll all present ourselves; dis-horn the spirit, + And mock him home to Windsor. + FORD. The children must + Be practis'd well to this or they'll nev'r do 't. + EVANS. I will teach the children their behaviours; and I will + be like a jack-an-apes also, to burn the knight with my + taber. + FORD. That will be excellent. I'll go buy them vizards. + MRS. PAGE. My Nan shall be the Queen of all the Fairies, + Finely attired in a robe of white. + PAGE. That silk will I go buy. [Aside] And in that time + Shall Master Slender steal my Nan away, + And marry her at Eton.-Go, send to Falstaff straight. + FORD. Nay, I'll to him again, in name of Brook; + He'll tell me all his purpose. Sure, he'll come. + MRS. PAGE. Fear not you that. Go get us properties + And tricking for our fairies. + EVANS. Let us about it. It is admirable pleasures, and fery + honest knaveries. Exeunt PAGE, FORD, and EVANS + MRS. PAGE. Go, Mistress Ford. + Send Quickly to Sir John to know his mind. + Exit MRS. FORD + I'll to the Doctor; he hath my good will, + And none but he, to marry with Nan Page. + That Slender, though well landed, is an idiot; + And he my husband best of all affects. + The Doctor is well money'd, and his friends + Potent at court; he, none but he, shall have her, + Though twenty thousand worthier come to crave her. Exit + + + + +SCENE 5. + +The Garter Inn + +Enter HOST and SIMPLE + + HOST. What wouldst thou have, boor? What, thick-skin? + Speak, breathe, discuss; brief, short, quick, snap. + SIMPLE. Marry, sir, I come to speak with Sir John Falstaff + from Master Slender. + HOST. There's his chamber, his house, his castle, his + standing-bed and truckle-bed; 'tis painted about with the + story of the Prodigal, fresh and new. Go, knock and call; +he'll + speak like an Anthropophaginian unto thee. Knock, I say. + SIMPLE. There's an old woman, a fat woman, gone up into + his chamber; I'll be so bold as stay, sir, till she come +down; + I come to speak with her, indeed. + HOST. Ha! a fat woman? The knight may be robb'd. I'll call. + Bully knight! Bully Sir John! Speak from thy lungs + military. Art thou there? It is thine host, thine Ephesian, +calls. + FALSTAFF. [Above] How now, mine host? + HOST. Here's a Bohemian-Tartar tarries the coming down of + thy fat woman. Let her descend, bully, let her descend; + my chambers are honourible. Fie, privacy, fie! + + Enter FALSTAFF + + FALSTAFF. There was, mine host, an old fat woman even + now with, me; but she's gone. + SIMPLE. Pray you, sir, was't not the wise woman of + Brainford? + FALSTAFF. Ay, marry was it, mussel-shell. What would you + with her? + SIMPLE. My master, sir, my Master Slender, sent to her, + seeing her go thorough the streets, to know, sir, whether one + Nym, sir, that beguil'd him of a chain, had the chain or no. + FALSTAFF. I spake with the old woman about it. + SIMPLE. And what says she, I pray, sir? + FALSTAFF Marry, she says that the very same man that + beguil'd Master Slender of his chain cozen'd him of it. + SIMPLE. I would I could have spoken with the woman + herself; I had other things to have spoken with her too, + from him. + FALSTAFF. What are they? Let us know. + HOST. Ay, come; quick. + SIMPLE. I may not conceal them, sir. + FALSTAFF. Conceal them, or thou diest. + SIMPLE.. Why, sir, they were nothing but about Mistress + Anne Page: to know if it were my master's fortune to + have her or no. + FALSTAFF. 'Tis, 'tis his fortune. + SIMPLE. What sir? + FALSTAFF. To have her, or no. Go; say the woman told me + so. + SIMPLE. May I be bold to say so, sir? + FALSTAFF. Ay, sir, like who more bold? + SIMPLE., I thank your worship; I shall make my master glad + with these tidings. Exit SIMPLE + HOST. Thou art clerkly, thou art clerkly, Sir John. Was + there a wise woman with thee? + FALSTAFF. Ay, that there was, mine host; one that hath + taught me more wit than ever I learn'd before in my life; + and I paid nothing for it neither, but was paid for my + learning. + + Enter BARDOLPH + + BARDOLPH. Out, alas, sir, cozenage, mere cozenage! + HOST. Where be my horses? Speak well of them, varletto. + BARDOLPH. Run away with the cozeners; for so soon as I + came beyond Eton, they threw me off from behind one of + them, in a slough of mire; and set spurs and away, like + three German devils, three Doctor Faustuses. + HOST. They are gone but to meet the Duke, villain; do not + say they be fled. Germans are honest men. + + Enter SIR HUGH EVANS + + EVANS. Where is mine host? + HOST. What is the matter, sir? + EVANS. Have a care of your entertainments. There is a friend + of mine come to town tells me there is three + cozen-germans that has cozen'd all the hosts of Readins, + of Maidenhead, of Colebrook, of horses and money. I tell you +for + good will, look you; you are wise, and full of gibes and + vlouting-stogs, and 'tis not convenient you should be + cozened. Fare you well. Exit + + Enter DOCTOR CAIUS + + CAIUS. Vere is mine host de Jarteer? + HOST. Here, Master Doctor, in perplexity and doubtful + dilemma. + CAIUS. I cannot tell vat is dat; but it is tell-a me dat you + make grand preparation for a Duke de Jamany. By my + trot, dere is no duke that the court is know to come; I + tell you for good will. Adieu. Exit + HOST. Hue and cry, villain, go! Assist me, knight; I am + undone. Fly, run, hue and cry, villain; I am undone. + Exeunt HOST and BARDOLPH + FALSTAFF. I would all the world might be cozen'd, for I have + been cozen'd and beaten too. If it should come to the ear + of the court how I have been transformed, and how my + transformation hath been wash'd and cudgell'd, they + would melt me out of my fat, drop by drop, and liquor + fishermen's boots with me; I warrant they would whip me + with their fine wits till I were as crestfall'n as a dried +pear. + I never prosper'd since I forswore myself at primero. Well, + if my wind were but long enough to say my prayers, + would repent. + + Enter MISTRESS QUICKLY + + Now! whence come you? + QUICKLY. From the two parties, forsooth. + FALSTAFF. The devil take one party and his dam the other! + And so they shall be both bestowed. I have suffer'd more + for their sakes, more than the villainous inconstancy of + man's disposition is able to bear. + QUICKLY. And have not they suffer'd? Yes, I warrant; + speciously one of them; Mistress Ford, good heart, is beaten + black and blue, that you cannot see a white spot about her. + FALSTAFF. What tell'st thou me of black and blue? I was + beaten myself into all the colours of the rainbow; and + was like to be apprehended for the witch of Brainford. But + that my admirable dexterity of wit, my counterfeiting the + action of an old woman, deliver'd me, the knave constable + had set me i' th' stocks, i' th' common stocks, for a witch. + QUICKLY. Sir, let me speak with you in your chamber; you + shall hear how things go, and, I warrant, to your content. + Here is a letter will say somewhat. Good hearts, what ado + here is to bring you together! Sure, one of you does not + serve heaven well, that you are so cross'd. + FALSTAFF. Come up into my chamber. Exeunt + + + + +SCENE 6. + +The Garter Inn + +Enter FENTON and HOST + + HOST. Master Fenton, talk not to me; my mind is heavy; I + will give over all. + FENTON. Yet hear me speak. Assist me in my purpose, + And, as I am a gentleman, I'll give the + A hundred pound in gold more than your loss. + HOST. I will hear you, Master Fenton; and I will, at the least, + keep your counsel. + FENTON. From time to time I have acquainted you + With the dear love I bear to fair Anne Page; + Who, mutually, hath answer'd my affection, + So far forth as herself might be her chooser, + Even to my wish. I have a letter from her + Of such contents as you will wonder at; + The mirth whereof so larded with my matter + That neither, singly, can be manifested + Without the show of both. Fat Falstaff + Hath a great scene. The image of the jest + I'll show you here at large. Hark, good mine host: + To-night at Herne's oak, just 'twixt twelve and one, + Must my sweet Nan present the Fairy Queen- + The purpose why is here-in which disguise, + While other jests are something rank on foot, + Her father hath commanded her to slip + Away with Slender, and with him at Eton + Immediately to marry; she hath consented. + Now, sir, + Her mother, even strong against that match + And firm for Doctor Caius, hath appointed + That he shall likewise shuffle her away + While other sports are tasking of their minds, + And at the dean'ry, where a priest attends, + Straight marry her. To this her mother's plot + She seemingly obedient likewise hath + Made promise to the doctor. Now thus it rests: + Her father means she shall be all in white; + And in that habit, when Slender sees his time + To take her by the hand and bid her go, + She shall go with him; her mother hath intended + The better to denote her to the doctor- + For they must all be mask'd and vizarded- + That quaint in green she shall be loose enrob'd, + With ribands pendent, flaring 'bout her head; + And when the doctor spies his vantage ripe, + To pinch her by the hand, and, on that token, + The maid hath given consent to go with him. + HOST. Which means she to deceive, father or mother? + FENTON. Both, my good host, to go along with me. + And here it rests-that you'll procure the vicar + To stay for me at church, 'twixt twelve and one, + And in the lawful name of marrying, + To give our hearts united ceremony. + HOST. Well, husband your device; I'll to the vicar. + Bring you the maid, you shall not lack a priest. + FENTON. So shall I evermore be bound to thee; + Besides, I'll make a present recompense. Exeunt + + + + +<<THIS ELECTRONIC VERSION OF THE COMPLETE WORKS OF WILLIAM +SHAKESPEARE IS COPYRIGHT 1990-1993 BY WORLD LIBRARY, INC., AND IS +PROVIDED BY PROJECT GUTENBERG ETEXT OF CARNEGIE MELLON UNIVERSITY +WITH PERMISSION. ELECTRONIC AND MACHINE READABLE COPIES MAY BE +DISTRIBUTED SO LONG AS SUCH COPIES (1) ARE FOR YOUR OR OTHERS +PERSONAL USE ONLY, AND (2) ARE NOT DISTRIBUTED OR USED +COMMERCIALLY. PROHIBITED COMMERCIAL DISTRIBUTION INCLUDES BY ANY +SERVICE THAT CHARGES FOR DOWNLOAD TIME OR FOR MEMBERSHIP.>> + + + +ACT V. SCENE 1. + +The Garter Inn + +Enter FALSTAFF and MISTRESS QUICKLY + + FALSTAFF. Prithee, no more prattling; go. I'll, hold. This is + the third time; I hope good luck lies in odd numbers. + Away, go; they say there is divinity in odd numbers, either + in nativity, chance, or death. Away. + QUICKLY. I'll provide you a chain, and I'll do what I can to + get you a pair of horns. + FALSTAFF. Away, I say; time wears; hold up your head, and + mince. Exit MRS. QUICKLY + + Enter FORD disguised + + How now, Master Brook. Master Brook, the matter will + be known tonight or never. Be you in the Park about + midnight, at Herne's oak, and you shall see wonders. + FORD. Went you not to her yesterday, sir, as you told me + you had appointed? + FALSTAFF. I went to her, Master Brook, as you see, like a + poor old man; but I came from her, Master Brook, like a + poor old woman. That same knave Ford, her husband, hath + the finest mad devil of jealousy in him, Master Brook, that + ever govern'd frenzy. I will tell you-he beat me grievously + in the shape of a woman; for in the shape of man, Master + Brook, I fear not Goliath with a weaver's beam; because + I know also life is a shuttle. I am in haste; go along with + me; I'll. tell you all, Master Brook. Since I pluck'd geese, + play'd truant, and whipp'd top, I knew not what 'twas to + be beaten till lately. Follow me. I'll tell you strange +things + of this knave-Ford, on whom to-night I will be revenged, + and I will deliver his wife into your hand. Follow. Strange + things in hand, Master Brook! Follow. Exeunt + + + + +SCENE 2. + +Windsor Park + +Enter PAGE, SHALLOW, and SLENDER + + PAGE. Come, come; we'll couch i' th' Castle ditch till we + see the light of our fairies. Remember, son Slender, my +daughter. + SLENDER. Ay, forsooth; I have spoke with her, and we have + a nay-word how to know one another. I come to her in + white and cry 'mum'; she cries 'budget,' and by that we + know one another. + SHALLOW. That's good too; but what needs either your mum + or her budget? The white will decipher her well enough. + It hath struck ten o'clock. + PAGE. The night is dark; light and spirits will become it well. + Heaven prosper our sport! No man means evil but the + devil, and we shall know him by his horns. Let's away; + follow me. Exeunt + + + + +SCENE 3. + +A street leading to the Park + +Enter MISTRESS PAGE, MISTRESS FORD, and DOCTOR CAIUS + + MRS. PAGE. Master Doctor, my daughter is in green; when + you see your time, take her by the hand, away with her to + the deanery, and dispatch it quickly. Go before into the + Park; we two must go together. + CAIUS. I know vat I have to do; adieu. + MRS. PAGE. Fare you well, sir. [Exit CAIUS] My husband + will not rejoice so much at the abuse of Falstaff as he will + chafe at the doctor's marrying my daughter; but 'tis no + matter; better a little chiding than a great deal of + heartbreak. + MRS. FORD. Where is Nan now, and her troop of fairies, and + the Welsh devil, Hugh? + MRS. PAGE. They are all couch'd in a pit hard by Herne's + oak, with obscur'd lights; which, at the very instant of + Falstaff's and our meeting, they will at once display to the + night. + MRS. FORD. That cannot choose but amaze him. + MRS. PAGE. If he be not amaz'd, he will be mock'd; if he be + amaz'd, he will every way be mock'd. + MRS. FORD. We'll betray him finely. + MRS. PAGE. Against such lewdsters and their lechery, + Those that betray them do no treachery. + MRS. FORD. The hour draws on. To the oak, to the oak! + Exeunt + + + + +SCENE 4. + +Windsor Park + +Enter SIR HUGH EVANS like a satyr, with OTHERS as fairies + + EVANS. Trib, trib, fairies; come; and remember your parts. + Be pold, I pray you; follow me into the pit; and when I + give the watch-ords, do as I pid you. Come, come; trib, + trib. Exeunt + + + + +SCENE 5. + +Another part of the Park + +Enter FALSTAFF disguised as HERNE + + FALSTAFF. The Windsor bell hath struck twelve; the minute + draws on. Now the hot-blooded gods assist me! + Remember, Jove, thou wast a bull for thy Europa; love set on +thy + horns. O powerful love! that in some respects makes a + beast a man; in some other a man a beast. You were also, + Jupiter, a swan, for the love of Leda. O omnipotent love! + how near the god drew to the complexion of a goose! A + fault done first in the form of a beast-O Jove, a beastly + fault!-and then another fault in the semblance of a fowl- + think on't, Jove, a foul fault! When gods have hot backs + what shall poor men do? For me, I am here a Windsor + stag; and the fattest, I think, i' th' forest. Send me a cool + rut-time, Jove, or who can blame me to piss my tallow? + Who comes here? my doe? + + Enter MISTRESS FORD and MISTRESS PAGE + + MRS. FORD. Sir John! Art thou there, my deer, my male deer. + FALSTAFF. My doe with the black scut! Let the sky rain + potatoes; let it thunder to the tune of Greensleeves, hail + kissing-comfits, and snow eringoes; let there come a tempest + of provocation, I will shelter me here. [Embracing her] + MRS. FORD. Mistress Page is come with me, sweetheart. + FALSTAFF. Divide me like a brib'd buck, each a haunch; I + will keep my sides to myself, my shoulders for the fellow + of this walk, and my horns I bequeath your husbands. Am + I a woodman, ha? Speak I like Herne the Hunter? Why, + now is Cupid a child of conscience; he makes restitution. + As I am a true spirit, welcome! [A noise of horns] + MRS. PAGE. Alas, what noise? + MRS. FORD. Heaven forgive our sins! + FALSTAFF. What should this be? + MRS. FORD. } Away, away. + MRS. PAGE. } Away, away. [They run off] + FALSTAFF. I think the devil will not have me damn'd, lest the + oil that's in me should set hell on fire; he would never else + + cross me thus. + + Enter SIR HUGH EVANS like a satyr, ANNE PAGE as + a fairy, and OTHERS as the Fairy Queen, fairies, and + Hobgoblin; all with tapers + + FAIRY QUEEN. Fairies, black, grey, green, and white, + You moonshine revellers, and shades of night, + You orphan heirs of fixed destiny, + Attend your office and your quality. + Crier Hobgoblin, make the fairy oyes. + PUCK. Elves, list your names; silence, you airy toys. + Cricket, to Windsor chimneys shalt thou leap; + Where fires thou find'st unrak'd, and hearths unswept, + There pinch the maids as blue as bilberry; + Our radiant Queen hates sluts and sluttery. + FALSTAFF. They are fairies; he that speaks to them shall die. + I'll wink and couch; no man their works must eye. + [Lies down upon his face] + EVANS. Where's Pede? Go you, and where you find a maid + That, ere she sleep, has thrice her prayers said, + Raise up the organs of her fantasy + Sleep she as sound as careless infancy; + But those as sleep and think not on their sins, + Pinch them, arms, legs, backs, shoulders, sides, and shins. + FAIRY QUEEN. About, about; + Search Windsor castle, elves, within and out; + Strew good luck, ouphes, on every sacred room, + That it may stand till the perpetual doom + In state as wholesome as in state 'tis fit, + Worthy the owner and the owner it. + The several chairs of order look you scour + With juice of balm and every precious flower; + Each fair instalment, coat, and sev'ral crest, + With loyal blazon, evermore be blest! + And nightly, meadow-fairies, look you sing, + Like to the Garter's compass, in a ring; + Th' expressure that it bears, green let it be, + More fertile-fresh than all the field to see; + And 'Honi soit qui mal y pense' write + In em'rald tufts, flow'rs purple, blue and white; + Like sapphire, pearl, and rich embroidery, + Buckled below fair knighthood's bending knee. + Fairies use flow'rs for their charactery. + Away, disperse; but till 'tis one o'clock, + Our dance of custom round about the oak + Of Herne the Hunter let us not forget. + EVANS. Pray you, lock hand in hand; yourselves in order set; + And twenty glow-worms shall our lanterns be, + To guide our measure round about the tree. + But, stay. I smell a man of middle earth. + FALSTAFF. Heavens defend me from that Welsh fairy, lest he + transform me to a piece of cheese! + PUCK. Vile worm, thou wast o'erlook'd even in thy birth. + FAIRY QUEEN. With trial-fire touch me his finger-end; + If he be chaste, the flame will back descend, + And turn him to no pain; but if he start, + It is the flesh of a corrupted heart. + PUCK. A trial, come. + EVANS. Come, will this wood take fire? + [They put the tapers to his fingers, and he starts] + FALSTAFF. Oh, oh, oh! + FAIRY QUEEN. Corrupt, corrupt, and tainted in desire! + About him, fairies; sing a scornful rhyme; + And, as you trip, still pinch him to your time. + THE SONG. + Fie on sinful fantasy! + Fie on lust and luxury! + Lust is but a bloody fire, + Kindled with unchaste desire, + Fed in heart, whose flames aspire, + As thoughts do blow them, higher and higher. + Pinch him, fairies, mutually; + Pinch him for his villainy; + Pinch him and burn him and turn him about, + Till candles and star-light and moonshine be out. + + During this song they pinch FALSTAFF. DOCTOR + CAIUS comes one way, and steals away a fairy in + green; SLENDER another way, and takes off a fairy in + white; and FENTON steals away ANNE PAGE. A noise + of hunting is heard within. All the fairies run away. + FALSTAFF pulls off his buck's head, and rises + + Enter PAGE, FORD, MISTRESS PAGE, MISTRESS FORD, and + SIR HUGH EVANS + + PAGE. Nay, do not fly; I think we have watch'd you now. + Will none but Herne the Hunter serve your turn? + MRS. PAGE. I pray you, come, hold up the jest no higher. + Now, good Sir John, how like you Windsor wives? + See you these, husband? Do not these fair yokes + Become the forest better than the town? + FORD. Now, sir, who's a cuckold now? Master Brook, + Falstaff's a knave, a cuckoldly knave; here are his horns, + Master Brook; and, Master Brook, he hath enjoyed nothing of + Ford's but his buck-basket, his cudgel, and twenty pounds + of money, which must be paid to Master Brook; his horses + are arrested for it, Master Brook. + MRS. FORD. Sir John, we have had ill luck; we could never + meet. I will never take you for my love again; but I will + always count you my deer. + FALSTAFF. I do begin to perceive that I am made an ass. + FORD. Ay, and an ox too; both the proofs are extant. + FALSTAFF. And these are not fairies? I was three or four + times in the thought they were not fairies; and yet the + guiltiness of my mind, the sudden surprise of my powers, + drove the grossness of the foppery into a receiv'd belief, + in despite of the teeth of all rhyme and reason, that they + were fairies. See now how wit may be made a Jack-a-Lent + when 'tis upon ill employment. + EVANS. Sir John Falstaff, serve Got, and leave your desires, + and fairies will not pinse you. + FORD. Well said, fairy Hugh. + EVANS. And leave you your jealousies too, I pray you. + FORD. I will never mistrust my wife again, till thou art able + to woo her in good English. + FALSTAFF. Have I laid my brain in the sun, and dried it, that + it wants matter to prevent so gross, o'er-reaching as this? + Am I ridden with a Welsh goat too? Shall I have a cox-comb + of frieze? 'Tis time I were chok'd with a piece of + toasted cheese. + EVANS. Seese is not good to give putter; your belly is all + putter. + FALSTAFF. 'Seese' and 'putter'! Have I liv'd to stand at the + taunt of one that makes fritters of English? This is enough + to be the decay of lust and late-walking through the realm. + MRS. PAGE. Why, Sir John, do you think, though we would + have thrust virtue out of our hearts by the head and + shoulders, and have given ourselves without scruple to hell, + that ever the devil could have made you our delight? + FORD. What, a hodge-pudding? a bag of flax? + MRS. PAGE. A puff'd man? + PAGE. Old, cold, wither'd, and of intolerable entrails? + FORD. And one that is as slanderous as Satan? + PAGE. And as poor as Job? + FORD. And as wicked as his wife? + EVANS. And given to fornications, and to taverns, and sack, + and wine, and metheglins, and to drinkings, and swearings, + and starings, pribbles and prabbles? + FALSTAFF. Well, I am your theme; you have the start of me; + I am dejected; I am not able to answer the Welsh flannel; + ignorance itself is a plummet o'er me; use me as you will. + FORD. Marry, sir, we'll bring you to Windsor, to one Master + Brook, that you have cozen'd of money, to whom you + should have been a pander. Over and above that you have + suffer'd, I think to repay that money will be a biting + affliction. + PAGE. Yet be cheerful, knight; thou shalt eat a posset + tonight at my house, where I will desire thee to laugh at my + wife, that now laughs at thee. Tell her Master Slender hath + married her daughter. + MRS. PAGE. [Aside] Doctors doubt that; if Anne Page be + my daughter, she is, by this, Doctor Caius' wife. + + Enter SLENDER + + SLENDER. Whoa, ho, ho, father Page! + PAGE. Son, how now! how now, son! Have you dispatch'd'? + SLENDER. Dispatch'd! I'll make the best in Gloucestershire + know on't; would I were hang'd, la, else! + PAGE. Of what, son? + SLENDER. I came yonder at Eton to marry Mistress Anne + Page, and she's a great lubberly boy. If it had not been i' + th' church, I would have swing'd him, or he should have + swing'd me. If I did not think it had been Anne Page, + would I might never stir!-and 'tis a postmaster's boy. + PAGE. Upon my life, then, you took the wrong. + SLENDER. What need you tell me that? I think so, when I + took a boy for a girl. If I had been married to him, for all + he was in woman's apparel, I would not have had him. + PAGE. Why, this is your own folly. Did not I tell you how + you should know my daughter by her garments? + SLENDER. I went to her in white and cried 'mum' and she + cried 'budget' as Anne and I had appointed; and yet it was + not Anne, but a postmaster's boy. + MRS. PAGE. Good George, be not angry. I knew of your + purpose; turn'd my daughter into green; and, indeed, she + is now with the Doctor at the dean'ry, and there married. + + Enter CAIUS + + CAIUS. Vere is Mistress Page? By gar, I am cozened; I ha' + married un garcon, a boy; un paysan, by gar, a boy; it is + not Anne Page; by gar, I am cozened. + MRS. PAGE. Why, did you take her in green? + CAIUS. Ay, be gar, and 'tis a boy; be gar, I'll raise all + Windsor. Exit CAIUS + FORD. This is strange. Who hath got the right Anne? + PAGE. My heart misgives me; here comes Master Fenton. + + Enter FENTON and ANNE PAGE + + How now, Master Fenton! + ANNE. Pardon, good father. Good my mother, pardon. + PAGE. Now, Mistress, how chance you went not with Master + Slender? + MRS. PAGE. Why went you not with Master Doctor, maid? + FENTON. You do amaze her. Hear the truth of it. + You would have married her most shamefully, + Where there was no proportion held in love. + The truth is, she and I, long since contracted, + Are now so sure that nothing can dissolve us. + Th' offence is holy that she hath committed; + And this deceit loses the name of craft, + Of disobedience, or unduteous title, + Since therein she doth evitate and shun + A thousand irreligious cursed hours, + Which forced marriage would have brought upon her. + FORD. Stand not amaz'd; here is no remedy. + In love, the heavens themselves do guide the state; + Money buys lands, and wives are sold by fate. + FALSTAFF. I am glad, though you have ta'en a special stand + to strike at me, that your arrow hath glanc'd. + PAGE. Well, what remedy? Fenton, heaven give thee joy! + What cannot be eschew'd must be embrac'd. + FALSTAFF. When night-dogs run, all sorts of deer are chas'd. + MRS. PAGE. Well, I will muse no further. Master Fenton, + Heaven give you many, many merry days! + Good husband, let us every one go home, + And laugh this sport o'er by a country fire; + Sir John and all. + FORD. Let it be so. Sir John, + To Master Brook you yet shall hold your word; + For he, to-night, shall lie with Mistress Ford. Exeunt + +THE END + + + + + +<<THIS ELECTRONIC VERSION OF THE COMPLETE WORKS OF WILLIAM +SHAKESPEARE IS COPYRIGHT 1990-1993 BY WORLD LIBRARY, INC., AND IS +PROVIDED BY PROJECT GUTENBERG ETEXT OF CARNEGIE MELLON UNIVERSITY +WITH PERMISSION. 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