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diff --git a/17653-8.txt b/17653-8.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..0f2c86e --- /dev/null +++ b/17653-8.txt @@ -0,0 +1,2339 @@ +The Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 159, +September 22, 1920, by Various + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 159, September 22, 1920 + +Author: Various + +Editor: Owen Seaman + +Release Date: January 31, 2006 [EBook #17653] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1 + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH, OR THE LONDON *** + + + + +Produced by Jonathan Ingram, Lesley Halamek and the Online +Distributed Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net + + + + + + +PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. + +VOL. 159. + + + +September 22nd, 1920. + + + + +CHARIVARIA. + + +"'Strike while the iron is hot' must be the motto," says a business +man. Mr. SMILLIE, on the other hand, says that it doesn't so much +matter about the iron being hot. + + * * * + +A curious story reaches us from the Midlands. It appears that it had +been decided to call out the workmen in a certain factory, but the +strike-leader had unfortunately mislaid his notes and could not +remember their grievance. + + * * * + +Mr. C.B. COCHRAN has decided to have nothing further to do with the +promotion of boxing-matches owing to the way in which contracts are +continually being broken. It has since been reported that several of +our leading professional boxers are endeavouring to arrange a farewell +disappointment. + + * * * + +Mr. EVANS, the American golf champion, has invented a new putter. We +appreciate America's effort, but all the same we cannot forget her +apathy toward the League of Nations. + + * * * + +Last week the largest number of Alpinists ever assembled met on the +top of the Matterhorn. If this sort of thing goes on it is quite +likely that the summit will have to be strengthened. + + * * * + +Colder weather is promised and the close season for Councillor CLARK +should commence about October 1st. + + * * * + +"The ex-Kaiser," says _The Western Morning News_, "goes in daily +fear of being kidnapped." This is said to be due to the presence at +Amerongen of an enterprising party of American curio-hunters. + + * * * + +A headline in a weekly paper asks, "What will Charlie Chaplin Turn out +this Year?" "His feet," is the answer. + + * * * + +The language at Billingsgate, according to Sir E.E. COOPER, is much +better than it used to be. Fish porters invariably say "Excuse me" +before throwing a length of obsolete eel at a colleague. + + * * * + +In the event of a miners' strike arrangements have been made for the +staff of the Ministry of Transport to sleep at the office. It would be +more wise, we think, if they remained wide awake. + + * * * + +A feature of the new motor charabanc will be the space for passengers' +luggage. This is just what is wanted, as it so easily gets broken even +if the corks don't come out. + + * * * + +A message from Allahabad states that the appointment of Mr. WINSTON +CHURCHILL as Viceroy of India would be very popular. Unfortunately +they omit to say where it would be popular. + + * * * + +"Drink is Scotland's greatest sin," said a Prohibitionist speaker at +Glasgow. The gentleman does not seem to have heard of haggis. + + * * * + +Asked what he would have, a Scotsman, taking advantage of its high +price, replied, "A small petrol, please." + + * * * + +The National Gallery with its three thousand pictures is practically +priceless, we are informed. This probably accounts for the fact that +the hall-porter invariably takes visitors' umbrellas as security. + + * * * + +What is now wanted, says a contemporary, is a good spell of fine +weather. We feel that no good can be done by rubbing it in like this. +_The Daily Mail_ is doing its best. + + * * * + +We understand, by the way, that _The Daily Mail_ has definitely +decided not to offer a prize of a hundred pounds for a new world, but +to leave the matter entirely in the hands of Mr. LLOYD GEORGE. + + * * * + +The Astronomical Correspondent of _The Times_ suggests that the new +star may have been produced through a sun being struck by a comet. +This raises the question as to whether suns ought not to carry rear +lights. + + * * * + +There is some talk of a series of week-end summers being arranged for +next year. + + * * * + +"If necessary I will walk from John-o'-Groats to Land's End, +distributing propaganda literature all the way," announced a +well-known strike agitator at a recent conference. Personally we do +not mind if he does, provided that when he reaches Land's End he +continues to walk in the same direction. + + * * * + +According to a weekly journal the art of camouflage played a most +important part in recent naval warfare. It is, of course, quite an +open secret that the Naval authorities are aware that one of our +largest Dreadnoughts is somewhere in a certain English harbour, but, +owing to the excellence of its camouflage, they have not yet been able +to locate it. + + * * * + +We now learn that it was merely through an oversight that the pit +ponies did not record their votes at the strike ballot. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: "WHO'S BILL 'IGGINS PLAYIN' FOR THIS SEASON?" + +"OH, 'E AIN'T SIGNED ON YET, BUT WE'VE OFFERED HIM FIRST SUCK AT THE +LEMON."] + + * * * * * + +=The Journalistic Touch.= + + "Shamming death, he moaned loudly." + +_Irish Paper._ + + * * * * * + +=Our Critics.= + + "'The Seven Deadly Sins.' Frederick Rogers. + + This is a subject that Mr. Rogers is eminently fitted to + explore."--_Review of Reviews._ + + * * * * * + + "Tenor wanted, to join bass; must have voice."--_Scotch Paper._ + +Some people are so exacting. + + * * * * * + + "Bride in apricot."--_Daily Paper._ + +A new significance is added to the calculation of one's fruit +stones--"This year, next year, some time, never." + + * * * * * + + +THE ASHES. + + [A final salutation to the M.C.C. team, from one who is destined + to perish in the event of a coal strike.] + + O ship that farest forth, a greater _Argo_, + Unto the homeland of the woolly fleece, + Soft gales attend thee! may thy precious cargo + Slide over oceans smoothed of every crease, + So as the very flower, or pick, + Of England's flanneled chivalry may not be sick! + + And thou, O gentle goddess Hygieia, + Hover propitious o'er the vessel's poop; + Keep them from chicken-pox and pyorrhoea, + Measles and nettle-rash and mumps and croup; + See they digest their food and drink, + And land them, even as they leave us, in the pink! + + Thou, too, whose favour they depend so much on + (Fortune, I mean) in this precarious game, + Oh let there be no blob on their escutcheon, + Or, if a few occur, accept the blame; + Do not, of course, abuse thy powers; + We'd have the best side win, but let that side be ours. + + Summer awaits them there while we are wheezing + By empty hearths through bitter days and black; + Yet we rejoice that, though we die of freezing + And cannot get cremated, all for lack + Of coal to feed our funeral pyres, + Still "in our ashes [yonder] live their wonted fires." + +O.S. + + * * * * * + + +THE MINISTRY OF ANCESTRY. + +"As you are aware," said a prominent official of the Ministry of +Ancestry, "although our department has only been in existence for a +few months the profits have enabled the Government to take twopence +off the income-tax and to provide employment for thousands of +deserving clerks dismissed, in deference to public opinion, from other +Government offices." + +"Yes. Could you tell me how this brilliant scheme came into being?" + +"The Chinese knew and practised it for centuries. Here the credit for +its re-discovery must be assigned to Sir Cuthbert Shover, who, owing +to handsome contributions to necessary funds, combined, of course, +with meritorious public service during the War, was offered a +baronetcy. He refused it for himself, but accepted it for his aged +father, thereby becoming second baronet in three months. He deplored +the fact that his grandfather was no longer eligible for the honour. +Then we saw light. Why should the mere accident of death prevent us +from honouring a man if his family were prepared to contribute towards +the country's exchequer? But these letters will give you a clearer +insight into the working of the department." + +The first letter was addressed to Miss Cannon, at Maidstone:-- + + "DEAR MADAM,--We have no hesitation in advising you to have a + bishop in your family. Few purchases give greater satisfaction. + If, as you say, your late maternal grandfather was curate of + Slowden, and was, as far as you are aware, a man of exemplary + character, we could make him a bishop without delay. Your home + being in Kent, it occurs to us that the see of Carlisle would suit + the Right Reverend Prelate best. The cost of the proceedings, + including a pre-dated _Congé d'Élire_, would be eight hundred + guineas. An archbishopric would be slightly more expensive and, in + our opinion, less suitable." + +"Amazing," I said. + +"But so simple. Here is a letter from a man who wants to have had +forbears in the Navy. We say:-- + + "'Naturally it would have been an advantage for your son, whom you + destine for the Navy, to have had relations in that service. But + it is not too late to remedy this defect. + + "'By virtue of the powers conferred upon us by Act of Parliament + (Ancestry Act, 1922), we are prepared to give your sometime + great-great-uncle William, who, according to family tradition, + always wanted to go to sea, a commission in the Navy, and the + rank of lieutenant, together with appointment to any ship of the + line--with the exception of the _Victory_--which fought under Lord + NELSON. The making out the commission will be put in hand on the + receipt of your cheque for three hundred guineas.'" + +"Do you always give satisfaction?" + +"Occasionally we have to disappoint people. For instance, this letter +to a lady at Plymouth:-- + + "'We fear we cannot grant your request to reserve a berth on the + _Mayflower_ for your delightful ancestress, Mrs. Patience Loveday. + The _Mayflower_ is already overcrowded, and, owing to some + ill-feeling raised in America, we decided to resign all interest + in the vessel. Should you desire some other form of Puritan + distinction how would you like to provide yourself with a + non-juring clergyman as an ancestor? We could present any suitable + departed member of your family to a Crown living, and supply + you with an order of ejectment, dated the anniversary of St. + Bartholomew's Day, 1662.'" + +"Judging from the address on this letter, 'X. O'Finny, Esq.,' your +jurisdiction extends to Ireland?" + +"Yes, Mr. O'Finny wants some persecuted ancestors. We offer to supply +him with a member of his family condemned to be beheaded by order of +QUEEN ELIZABETH, price one thousand, which includes a replica of the +Great Seal of England; or, to have another member shot by order of +CROMWELL, at half the price; or a sentence of hanging in '98. This +would be three hundred only. We advise him to take the complete set at +a reduction, and have no doubt we shall come to terms." + +"Have you anything more expensive?" I asked timidly. + +"Rather. Here is our answer to Lord--better not give the name, +perhaps; the creation is recent. He wished for a Crusader, but we +explained that the Crusades were not under Government. We offer to +introduce his family name into our authorised supplement to the +Domesday Book for five thousand pounds. I call it cheap at the money. +Now what can we do for you?" + +"I must think it over," I stammered. + +"Do. You will come back. Pair of Colours, now, for a +great-great-grandfather. How would that suit you? Only five hundred. +Or a place at Court in the Regency? Or, if you wish good business +connection, a directorship of the East India Company? The whole of the +past lies before you. Give your children a fair start in life, that +is what we say. Money is good, education is better, but distinguished +ancestry is best of all." + + * * * * * + +=Stitches in Time.= + + "The breeches on the line between Sini and Jhursagudha have now + been repaired."--_Civil and Military Gazette._ + + * * * * * + + "The King has given Mr. William Armstrong, Director of Criminal + Intelligence of the Shanghai Municipal Police, authority to wear + the Insignia of the Fourth Class of the Order of the Excellent + Crop, conferred on him by the President of the Republic of China, + in recognition of valuable services."--_Times._ + +We understand that extreme shortness of hair is not the hall-mark of +the Chinese criminal world. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: UNDER A CLOUD (WITH A GOLDEN LINING). + +COMRADE LANSBURY. "THANKS TO MY FAITHFUL BROLSKI NOT A DROP HAS +TOUCHED ME." + +[_Loud crows from "Daily Herald" bird._]] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Horrified Sister_ (_to small artist_). "MABEL, YOU'RE +SURELY NOT SUCKING YOUR BRUSH WHEN YOU'RE PAINTING TOADSTOOLS?"] + + * * * * * + + +KINGS AND QUEENS. + +There are thirty-six of them in all, ranging from WILLIAM I., who +is "severe," to VICTORIA, who is just "good." I first made their +acquaintance in childhood, when my grandmother gave them me with the +laudable object of teaching me history. Each is a little wooden block +signifying a monarch. On one side there is a portrait showing the +face, collar and upper portion of torso of the monarch in question; +on the other side there is written a single word summing up his whole +character. + +By means of these royal blocks I was brought up to a sound historical +sense based on religion and morality. At the age of seven I could +and did boast that I knew the innermost souls of all the monarchs +of England. I could say their dates by heart, often doing so during +sermon time on Sundays, with a grace and ease that only lifelong +acquaintance with royalty could have bred. I was even able to triumph +through that tricky period between the death of EDWARD III. and the +accession of ELIZABETH. I wonder if the late Lord ACTON was as learned +at that age: I am sure he could not say his dates backwards. I could. + +It has always surprised those who have endeavoured to teach me +history that my youthful brain should be so strongly grounded in +the historical tradition of over half a century ago. Yet all the +historians of modern England could not shake me in my faith. To me +QUEEN VICTORIA was no "panting little German widow," as our latest +searcher after truth has affirmed, but the august lady who listened +entranced to the beautiful poems of Lord TENNYSON and invented +electricity and the tricycle. In consequence I was considered a +counter-revolutionary, if not bourgeois. My essays were deemed +dangerously reactionary. At Oxford I once found my tutor burning one. +This shows the value the authorities attach to my work. It is too +dangerous to live; it is burnt. + +I venture to think, however, that my work, based as it is on the +most respectable principles, will survive long after my tutors have +subsided into a permanent state of death in life. Like SHAKSPEARE and +the present Government I am for all time. + +It is easy to see how I came to acquire this stability of thought, +owing as I do my early training to the kings and queens of England, +who are nothing if not stable. They are my acknowledged guardians and +to them I turn in all difficulties. Only a year ago they came to my +aid in a most awkward predicament. It was my lot to fill up army +forms; of what variety I cannot remember save that they were of a +jaundicy colour and connected with the men's demobilisation. On these +documents I was expected to enter, besides the usual details as to +religion and connubial felicity, the character of each man in a +single word. I at once marshalled my wooden royalties before me +in chronological order and proceeded to deal with the squadron in +rotation. + +The first name on my list was that of the disciplinary sergeant-major. +It was with a glow of pride that I registered him with WILLIAM I. +as "severe." The designation of Tonks, the Mess waiter (whom we had +discovered on the night the bomb fell on the aerodrome making a home +and a house of defence in the cookhouse stove), as "heroic" +was distinctly happy. It was perhaps unfortunate that the +quartermaster-sergeant, an austere man from Renfrew, should have +found, on perusing his demobilisation card, that he was to be handed +down to posterity as "avaricious." I was also sorry to find the padre, +usually so broad-minded, in a nasty temper about the character given +to his batman, who was, he assured me, the only pious man in the +squadron and in private life a dissenting minister. "Dissolute" +certainly was on the face of things inappropriate, but then it was +no fault of mine that the merriest of English monarchs should have +appeared at the moment when I was filling up the papers of a minister +of religion. + +The light that my wooden monarchs throw on history is both interesting +and, to a modern, precious. For instance, the designation of the first +Angevin king as "patriotic" will surprise many readers of the late +Bishop STUBBS. "Patriotic" is a wide term and may be applied to almost +anything from after-dinner flag-wagging to successful juggling with +Colonial stocks and shares; yet there are few who would have described +it as the besetting virtue of HENRY I. But it was; his little block +says so. + +JOHN, again, was "mean." I am sorry, for, though in some respects +blameworthy, he had many agreeable traits. His views on the honesty of +his baronage are most entertaining. He was something of a wit, a good +judge of food and wine, and would have made an excellent Fellow of an +Oxford college. It is much to be regretted that he was mean. + +Poor HENRY VI. is "silly." This is a hard judgment on the pioneer of +the movement against low backs in evening frocks, but doubtless he was +silly in other things. + +Some of my monarchs had the most excellent characters. EDWARD I. was +"just," GEORGE IV. "courteous," OLIVER CROMWELL "noble"--a sad blow +for the White Rose Club. Our younger monarchs were particularly +attractive persons, and it is a pity that they did not live long +enough to display their qualities. EDWARD VI. was "amiable," while +EDWARD V., like all with expectations from their uncle, was "hopeful." +Poor child! he had need to be. + +I am pained however that CHARLES II. was "dissolute." It was what +HENRY VIII. dissolved the monasteries for being--the impertinent old +polygamist! For my part I love CHARLES for the affection that he bore +little dogs, for the chance saying on Sussex hills that this England +was a country well worth fighting for. Alas! that he should have been +dissolute. + +Best of all my friends is GEORGE III. He is portrayed with a jolly red +nose and a mouth that positively yawns for pudding. His character, +which is his chief glory, is "benevolent." Who would not rejoice to +have been the object of his regal philanthropy? SAMUEL JOHNSON himself +did not hesitate to accept the bounty of this kindly monarch, though, +while his predecessor reigned, the great lexicographer had defined a +pensioner as "a state hireling" paid "for treason to his country." + +Such are my friends the kings and queens of England. Happy the child +who has such majesty to be his guardian spirit. To him life will be +a pomp, where vulgar democracy can have no part, and death a +trysting-place with old comrades--the child for whom + + "The kings of England, lifting up their swords, + Shall gather at the gates of Paradise." + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _The Super-Tramp._ "MADAM, IF YOU HAVE ANY MORE OF THAT +PIE YOU GAVE ME THIS MORNING I SHOULD BE PLEASED TO PAY FOR IT."] + + * * * * * + + +A HOME FROM HOME. + +(_An actual incident_.) + + + My fancy sought no English field, + What time my holiday drew near; + I felt no fond desire to wield + The shrimping net of yesteryear; + I found it easy to eschew + All wish to hear a pierrot stating + His lust to learn the rendezvous + Of flies engaged in hibernating. + + Beyond the Channel I would range + (I called it "cross the rolling main") + And there achieve the thorough change + Demanded by my jaded brain; + It might be that an alien clime + Would jog a failing inspiration, + Buck up a bard and render rhyme + Less difficult of excavation. + + A thorough change? Ah, barren quest, + Foredoomed to fail ere half begun! + Though left behind, my England pressed + In hot pursuit of me, her son; + London was brought again to view + By hordes of maidens out for pillage, + When from the train I stepped into + A flag day in an Alpine village. + + * * * * * + +WIRE AND BARBED WIRE. + +This was the telegram that, after much hesitation, I had written out +at the side desk in the post-office and carried to the main desk to +despatch:-- + + Pactolus, London. + + St. Vitus carburetter stammer tyre scream Sanguine. + +You will observe that it is unintelligible. Decoded, it meant that I, +whose betting pseudonym is Sanguine, wished to invest with Messrs. +Lure, commission agents (not bookmakers, no, not for a moment), +whose telegraphic address is "Pactolus, London," a sum of ten pounds +(carburetter) on a horse called St. Vitus to win (stammer), and twenty +pounds (tyre) for a place (scream). I had done this for various +reasons, none really good, but chiefly because every paper that I had +opened had urged me to do so, some even going so far as to dangle a +double before me with St. Vitus as one of the horses. Nearly all had +described St. Vitus as a nap, setting up the name not only in capitals +but with a faithful asterisk beside it. + +Having an account with Messrs. Lure and a liking now and then to +indulge in a little flutter over a gee (I am choosing my words very +carefully) I had decided, after weighing the claims of all the other +runners, to take the advice of the majority and back the favourite, +although favourites acclaimed with stridency by the racing experts +of the Press in unison have, I knew, a way of failing. In betting on +races, however, there are two elements that are never lacking: hope +against hope and an incomplete recollection of the past. + +Having written out the telegram I took it to the main counter, to the +section labelled "Telegrams," and slipped it under the grating towards +the young woman, who, however, instead of dealing with it, continued +to tell an adjacent young woman about the arrangements that she and a +friend had made for their forthcoming holidays at Herne Bay. + +The nature of those who have little flutters on gees is complex. The +ordinary man, having written out his telegram, on whatever subject +it may be--whether it announces that he will arrive before lunch and +bring his clubs with him, or that, having important business to detain +him at the office, he will not be home to dinner--gets it through +as soon as possible. He may be delayed by the telegraph girl's +detachment, but he would not be deterred. He would still send the +telegram. But those who bet are different. They are minutely sensitive +to outside occurrences; always seeking signs and interpreting them as +favourable or unfavourable as the case may be; and refraining from +doing anything so decisive as to call the girl to order. Their game +is to be plastic under the fingers of chance; the faintest breath of +dubiety can sway them. I had been in so many minds about this thirty +pound bet, which I could not really afford, that there was therefore +nothing for it, after waiting the two minutes that seemed to be ten, +but to tear up the message, in the belief that the friendly gods again +had intervened. For luck is as much an affair of refraining as of +rushing in. + +I therefore withdrew quietly from the conversation and scattered the +little bits on the floor as I did so. But I did not leave the office. +Instead, I went to the side desk again and wrote another telegram, +which, with the necessary money (an awful lot), I pushed through the +grating, where the girls were still talking. My second telegram had +no reference to horses--I had done with gambling for the day--but ran +thus:-- + + Postmaster-General, London. + + Suggest you remind telegraph clerk on duty at this hour at this + post-office that she perhaps talks a shade too much about Herne + Bay and gives public too little consideration. + +The girl, having ceased her chatter, took the telegram and began +feverishly to count the words. Then her tapping pencil slowed down and +her brows contracted; she was assimilating their meaning. Then, with a +blush, and a very becoming one, she looked at me with an expression of +distress and said, "Do you really want this to go?" + +"No," I said, withdrawing the money. + +"I'm sorry I was not more attentive," she said. + +"That's all right," I replied. "Tear it up." + +And I came away, feeling, with a certain glow of satisfaction not +unmixed with self-righteousness, that I had done something to raise +the post-office standard and to ensure better attention. But the joke +is that, if I had myself received better attention, I should have lost +thirty pounds, for St. Vitus was unplaced. This story must therefore +remain without a moral. + +E.V.L. + + * * * * * + +=Notice in a Shop Window.= + + "Hats made to order, or revenerated." + + +Ah! that's what's wanted so badly to-day for the headgear of the +Higher Clergy. + + * * * * * + + "V.C.W. Jupp, the Sussex amateur, has been invited to become a + member of the M.C.C. team, which leaves for Australia on Saturday. + A fine all-round cricketer, Jupp is a useful man to any team, + but as he usually fields cover-point his inclusion would not + necessarily improve the side in its weakest point--_viz._, the + lack of oilfields."--_Daily Paper._ + +Surely the fewer the better, if that's where the butter-fingers come +from. + + * * * * * + + +BETWEEN TWO STOOLS. + +[Dedicated to those high-minded and dispassionate leader-writers who, +after prefacing their remarks with the declaration that "we hold no +brief for--" extreme views of all sorts, proceed to show that the +conduct of the extremist is invariably explained, if not justified, by +the iniquities of the Coalition Government.] + + I hold no brief for LENIN + Or TROTSKY or their breed; + Their way of doing men in + Is foreign to my creed; + But, since to me LLOYD GEORGE is + A source of deeper dread, + For Bolshevistic orgies + A great deal may be said. + + I hold a brief for no land + That tramples on its kin; + My heart once bled for Poland + And groaned for Russia's sin; + But, if to clear the tangle + WINSTON is given his head, + I feel that General WRANGEL + Were better downed and dead. + + I hold no brief--I swear it-- + For militant Sinn Fein; + I really cannot bear it + When constables are slain; + But if you mention CARSON + I feel that for the spread + Of murder and of arson + A good deal can be said. + + I hold no brief for SMILLIE + Or for the miners' claims; + I disapprove most highly + Of many of their aims; + But when I see the Wizard + Enthroned in ASQUITH'S stead, + It cuts me to the gizzard + And dyes my vision Red. + + I hold no brief for madmen + On revolution bent, + For bitter or for bad men + On anarchy intent; + But sooner far than "stop" them + With Coalition lead, + To foster and to prop them + I'd leave no word unsaid. + + * * * * * + +=Our Decadent Poets.= + +Extract from an Indian's petition:-- + + "... to look after my old father, who leads sickly life, and is + going from bad to verse every day." + + * * * * * + + "So far from Mr. Kameneff having had nothing to do with any + realisation of jewels, he ... took plains to report it to his + Government."--_Daily Paper._ + +In fact, he took the necessary steppes. + + * * * * * + + "A privately owned aeroplane, flying from London to the Isle of + Wight, descended in a field near Carnforth, seven miles north of + Morecambe Bay. The propeller was broken, but the occupants, a lady + and a gentleman, escaped with a shaking."--_Daily Paper._ + +The real shock came when they found out where they were. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: =THE PRESS PHOTOGRAPH.= + +WHEN A FELLOW GETS HIS-- + +PHOTO TAKEN FOR THE PAPERS-- + +I THINK IT'S ROTTEN BAD FORM-- + +ON THE PART OF ANOTHER FELLOW-- + +TO SPOIL THE PICTURE BY INTRUDING A BALL-- + +AT THE CRUCIAL MOMENT.] + + * * * * * + + +THE HANDY MAN. + +The men I most admire at the present time, though I take care not to +tell them so to their faces, are the men who can do everything. By +this I don't mean people of huge intellectual attainments, like +Cabinet Ministers, or tremendous physical powers, like _Tarzan_ of the +Apes. It must be very nice to be able to have a heart-to-heart talk +with KRASSIN or to write articles for the Sunday picture-papers, and +very nice also to swing rapidly through the tree-tops, say, in Eaton +Square; but none of these gifts is much help when the door-handle +comes off. I hate that sort of thing to happen in a house. + +In the Victorian age, of course, which was one of specialisation based +upon peace and plenty, one simply sent for a door-handle replacer and +he put it right. But nowadays the Door-handle Replacers' Union is +probably affiliated to an amalgamation which is discussing sympathetic +action with somebody who is striking, so nothing is done. This means +that for weeks and weeks, whenever one tries to go out of the room, +there is a loud crash like a 9.2 on the further side and a large blunt +dagger clutched melodramatically in the right hand, and nobody to +murder with it. + +The man who can do everything is the kind of man who can mend a thing +like a broken door-handle as soon as look at it. He always knows which +of the funny things you push or pull on any kind of machine to make it +go or stop, and what is wrong with the cistern and the drawing-room +clock. + +Such a man came into my house the other day. I call it my house, but +it really seems to belong to a number of large people who walk in and +out and shift packing-cases and splash paint and tramp heavily into +the bathroom about 8.30 A.M. when I am trying to get off to sleep. +They have also dug a large moat right through the lawn and the +garden-path, which rather spoils the appearance of these places, +though it is nice to be able to pull up the drawbridge at night and +feel that one is safe from burglars. Anyhow, whether it is my house or +theirs, the fact remains that the electric-bells were wrong. The man +of whom I am speaking lives next-door, and he came in and pointed this +out. "It is not much use having electric-bells," he said, "that don't +ring." + +I might have argued this point. I might have said that to press the +button of a bell that does not ring gives one time to reflect on +whether one really wants the thing one rang for, and thereafter on +the whole vanity of human wishes, and so inculcates patience and +self-discipline. It is quite possible that an Eastern _yogi_ might +spend many years of beneficial calm pressing the buttons of bells that +do not ring. But I replied rather weakly, "No, I suppose not." + +"I'll soon put that right for you," he said cheerily, and about five +minutes later he asked me to press one of the buttons, and there was a +loud tinkling noise. It seemed a pity that at the moment when the bell +did happen to ring there should be nobody to come and answer it. + +"Whatever did you do to them?" I asked. + +"It only needed a little water," he said, and I had hard work to +suppress my admiration. The very morning before, feeling that I ought +to take a hand in all this practical work that was going on about the +place, I had filled a large watering-can that I found lying about and +wetted some things which someone had stuck into the garden. I have +a kind of idea that they were carrots, but they may have been +maiden-hair ferns. Somehow it had never occurred to me for a moment to +go and water the electric bells. + +Almost immediately afterwards this man discovered that all the knives +in the kitchen were blunt and went and fetched some kind of private +grindstone and sharpened them, and then told me that the apple-trees +ought to be grease-banded, which I thought was a thing one only did +to engines. And, when he had brought a hammer and some nails and put +together a large bookcase which had collapsed as soon as _The Outline +of History_ was put on to it (I should like to know whether Canon +BARNES can explain _that_), I was obliged to ask him to stop, in case +the tramping men should see him and strike immediately for fear of the +dilution of labour. + +But what impressed me most was the part he took next day in the +Railway Carriage Conference, which curiously enough was on the subject +of strikes. There were several people in the carriage, and they were +talking about what they had done during the railway strike last year, +and what they would do if such a thing happened again. I said I should +like to be a station-master if possible, because they had top-hats and +grew such beautiful flowers. Only four or five trains seem to stop at +our station during the day, and if there was a strike I suppose the +number would be reduced to one or two. And I thought it would be +rather nice to spend the day wearing a top-hat and watering the +nasturtiums in the little rock-gardens behind the platform. Watering, +I said, was quite easy when once one got into the swing of it. + +But the man who could do everything seemed to know everything too, and +he told me that station-masters were much too noble to strike. There +were two kinds of station-masters, he said, both wearing top-hats, +but one kind with full morning-dress underneath it and the other with +uniform. But neither kind struck. + +Slightly nettled at his superior knowledge, I asked him, "What did +_you_ do during the Great Strike?" + +"Oh, I had rather fun," he said; "I controlled the signals at London +Bridge." + +If all the truth were known I expect that he is quite ready for Mr. +SMILLIE'S strike; that he has a handy little pick in his bedroom and +knows of rather a jolly little coal-mine close by. + +EVOE. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Mother_ (_firmly, to little daughter about to have +a tooth drawn_). "NOW, BETTY, IF YOU CRY, I'LL NEVER TAKE YOU TO A +DENTIST'S AGAIN."] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _The Woman_. "I DO WISH YOU TWO WOULD WALK PROPERLY."] + + * * * * * + + +FLOWERS' NAMES. + +FOOL'S PARSLEY. + + In the village of Picking's Pool + Lived Theobald, the village fool; + He had been simple from his birth + But kindly as the simple earth, + And in his heart he sang a song + Of "Ave, Mary" all day long. + + On Good Friday the people came + To honour the rood of Christ His shame; + They scattered flowers and leaves and moss + About the foot of the humble cross + And, when they knelt and prayed and wailed, + Theobald saw the Mother, veiled + And bowed in a mother's agony. + "She suffers more than the Christ," said he. + + Theobald searched the fields and lanes + To find a solace for MARY'S pains; + All the flowers were plucked and gone + Save a little dull Parsley, sere and wan; + And Theobald wreathed it in simple guise; + "It mourns like her," said the Fool made wise. + + When Holy Saturday morning broke + Back to the shrine went the village folk; + And lo! on the weeping Mother's brow + A chaplet of flowers was gleaming now; + And Theobald smiled secretly + To think he had soothed her agony. + And ever since Theobald crowned his Queen + Fool's Parsley has flowered amongst its green. + + * * * * * + + +HEADGEAR FOR HEROES. + + [A contemporary, having heard of the hat specially designed for M. + CLEMENCEAU, has decided that the bowler, the topper, the Homburg, + the straw, the cloth cap and all other styles at present more + or less in vogue leave much to be desired, and has therefore + inaugurated a search for the ideal male headdress.] + +THE SMILLIE.--A Phrygian model, executed in red Russia leather. +Special features are the asbestos lining, the steam vents and the +water-jacket, which combine to minimise the natural heat of the head. +Embellished with an heraldic cock's-comb _gules_, it is a striking +conception. + +THE PREMIER.--A semi-Tyrolean type in resilient chamois, which can +be readily converted to any desired shape, with or without extra +stiffening. Its adaptability and the patent sound-proof ear-flaps make +it particularly suitable for travellers. Detachable edelweiss and leek +trimming. + +THE ERIC.--An adaptation of the _cap of maintenance_ in a special +elastic material, warranted not to burst under pressure of abnormal +expansion of the head of the wearer. Practically fool-proof. + +THE WINNIE.--A fore-and-aft derived from a French model of the First +Empire period, the severity of which is mitigated by the addition of +little bells. A novelty is the mouthpiece in the crown, which enables +the hat to be used as a megaphone at need. An elastic loop holds a +fountain-pen in position. The whole to be worn on a head several sizes +too big for it. + +THE CONAN.--A straw bonnet of bee-hive shape. Medium weight. In a +diversity of shades. The special puggaree of goblin blue material is +designed to protect the wearer from moonstroke without obscuring the +vision. + +THE WARNER.--An easy-fitting crown carried out in harlequin flannel +surmounts a full brim of restful willow-green. Garnished with +intertwined laurel and St. John's-Wort, and decorated with the tail +feather of a Surrey fowl, it makes a comfortable and distinguished +headdress for a middle-aged gentleman. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Teacher._ "AND RUTH WALKED BEHIND THE REAPERS, PICKING +UP THE CORN THAT THEY LEFT. JOHN, WHAT DO WE CALL THAT?" + +_John_ (_very virtuously_). "PINCHING."] + + * * * * * + + +A SHIP IN A BOTTLE. + + In a sailormen's restaurant Rotherhithe way, + Where the din of the docksides is loud all the day, + And the breezes come bringing off basin and pond + And all the piled acres of lumber beyond + From the Oregon ranges the tang of the pine + And the breath of the Baltic as bracing as wine, + In a fly-spotted window I there did behold, + Among the stale odours of hot food and cold, + A ship in a bottle some sailor had made + In watches below, swinging South with the Trade, + When the fellows were patching old dungaree suits, + Or mending up oilskins and leaky seaboots, + Or whittling a model or painting a chest, + Or yarning and smoking and watching the rest. + + In fancy I saw him all weathered and browned, + Deep crows'-feet and wrinkles his eyelids around; + A pipe in the teeth that seemed little the worse + For Liverpool pantiles and stringy salt-horse; + The hairy forearm with its gaudy tattoo + Of a bold-looking female in scarlet and blue; + The fingers all roughened and toughened and scarred, + With hauling and hoisting so calloused and hard, + So crooked and stiff you would wonder that still + They could handle with cunning and fashion with skill + The tiny full-rigger predestined to ride + To its cable of thread on its green-painted tide + In its wine-bottle world, while the old world went on + And the sailor who made it was long ago gone. + + And still as he worked at the toy on his knee + He would spin his old yarns of the ships and the sea, + _Thermopylæ_, _Lightning_, _Lothair_ and _Red Jacket_, + With many another such famous old packet, + And many a bucko and dare-devil skipper + In Liverpool blood-boat or Colonies' clipper; + The sail that they carried aboard the _Black Ball_, + Their skysails and stunsails and ringtail and all, + And storms that they weathered and races they won + And records they broke in the days that are done. + + Or sometimes he'd sing you some droning old song, + Some old sailors' ditty both mournful and long, + With queer little curlycues, twiddles and quavers, + Of smugglers and privateers, pirates and slavers, + "The brave female smuggler," the "packet of fame + That sails from New York and the _Dreadnought_'s her name," + And "all on the coast of the High Barbaree," + And "the flash girls of London was the downfall of he." + + In fancy I listened, in fancy could hear + The thrum of the shrouds and the creak of the gear, + The patter of reef-points on topsails a-shiver, + The song of the jibs when they tauten and quiver, + The cry of the frigate-bird following after, + The bow-wave that broke with a gurgle like laughter. + And I looked on my youth with its pleasure and pain, + And the shipmate I loved was beside me again. + In a ship in a bottle a-sailing away + In the flying-fish weather through rainbows of spray, + Over oceans of wonder by headlands of gleam, + To the harbours of Youth on the wind of a dream. + +C.F.S. + + * * * * * + +"HIGH COMMISSIONER PAYS CALLS. + + Jerusalem, August 27.--The High Commissioner visited yesterday + afternoon the tomb of Abraham, Sarah, Rebecca, Isaac, Jacob and + Leah in the Cave of Makpéla at Hebron."--_Egyptian Mail_. + +No flowers, by request. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: THE GREAT REPUDIATION. + +MR. SMILLIE. "HERE, HOP IT, OR YOU'LL SPOIL THE WHOLE SHOW. YOU DON'T +COME ON TILL MY NEXT TRICK."] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _M.F.H_. "WHY THE DEUCE AREN'T YOU WITH HOUNDS? THEY'RE +IN THE NEXT PARISH BY THIS." + +_New Whip_ (_rib-roasting very bad cub-hunter_). "'TAIN'T SAFE TO GO +NEAR 'EM WITH THIS 'ORSE; THEY MIGHT THINK 'E WAS FOR EATIN'."] + + * * * * * + + +THE BEN AND THE BOOT. + + +Whither in these littered and overcrowded islands should one flee to +escape the spectacle of outworn and discarded boots? I should go to a +mountain-top and amongst mountain-tops I should choose the highest. I +should scale the summit of Ben Nevis. + +Yet it is but a few days since I saw on that proud eminence the +unmistakable remains of an ordinary walking boot. + +It reposed on the perilous edge of a snowdrift that even in summer +curves giddily over the lip of the dreadful gulf over which the +eastern precipice beetles. There is ever a certain pathos about +discarded articles of apparel: a baby's outgrown shoe, a girl's +forgotten glove, an abandoned bowler; but the situation of this boot, +thus high uplifted towards the eternal stars, gave to it a mystery, a +grandeur, a sublimity that held me long in contemplation. + +How came it there? + +The path that winds up that grey mountain is rough; its harsh stones +and remorseless gradients take toll of leather as of flesh. Yet half a +sole and a sound upper are better than no boot; and what climber but +would postpone till after his descent the discarding of his damaged +footgear? + +Could it be, I asked myself, the relic and evidence of an inhuman +crime? Was it possible that some party of climbers, arriving at the +top lunchless and desperately hungry, had sacrificed their plumpest, +disposing of his clothes over the cliff, but failing to hole out with +this tell-tale boot? + +But no, I bethought me of the price of leather. They would have +reserved the boots, even at the risk of suspicion. Moreover, no one +would ever reach that exacting altitude in a state of succulence. + +A glow of sympathy, a thrill of appreciation swept through me as I +realised what was at once the worthiest and the likeliest explanation. + +Who shall plumb the depths of the affection of a true pedestrian for +his boots, the companions and comfort of so many a pilgrimage? Who but +the climber, the hill-tramp, knows the pang of regret with which he +faces at last the truth that his favourite boots are past repair, the +sorrow and self-reproach with which he permits them to be consigned to +Erebus? + +I saw it all. As the Roman veteran hung upon the temple wall of Mars +the arms he might no longer wield, so hither came some lofty-minded +climber, bearing in devoted hands his outworn and faithful boot, to +leave it sadly and with reverence in this most worthy resting-place, +here to repose at the end of all the roads it had trod, on the highest +of all the native hills it had climbed. + +W.K.H. + + * * * * * + +=Another Impending Apology.= + + "Mr. Roberts, Member of Parliament, has arrived. Mr. Roberts is a + tall and well-built gentleman with a posing appearance." + +_Mysore Patriot_. + + * * * * * + + "Families supplied in 18, 12 or 6 gallon casks."--_Hertford + brewer's notice_. + +Where's your DIOGENES now? + + * * * * * + + "The dinner was in the House of Commons, and I sat next to Henry. + I was tremendously impressed by his conversation and his clean + Cromwellian face." + +_From a famous autobiography._ + +It was, we trust, the CROMWELL touch rather than the cleanness that +was so impressive. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Ancient Gardener_ (_who has just been paid_). "OI SAY, +MAISTER, THERE'S SUMMAT WRONG WI' MA BRASS." + +_Employer._ "WHAT'S THAT, JOHN?" + +_A.G._ "WHA, SITHEE, THA'S GI'EN MA ONE TA MONY." + +_Employer._ "YOU'RE VERY HONEST, JOHN." + +_A.G._ "WEEL, THA SEES I THOAT IT MID 'A' BIN A TRAP."] + + * * * * * + + +NEW RHYMES FOR OLD CHILDREN. + +THE EARWIG. + + How odd it is that our Papas + Keep taking us to cinemas, + But still expect the same old scares, + The tiger-cats, the woolly bears, + The lions on the nursery stairs + To frighten as of old! + Considering everybody knows + A girl can throttle one of those + While choking with the other hand + The captain of a robber band, + They leave one pretty cold. + The lion has no status now; + One has one's terrors, I'll allow, + The centipede, perhaps the cow, + But nothing in the Zoo; + The things that wriggle, jump or crawl, + The things that climb about the wall, + And I know what is worst of all-- + It is the earwig--_ugh_! + + The earwig's face is far from kind; + He must have got a spiteful mind; + The pincers which he wears behind + Are poisonous, of course; + And Nanny knew a dreadful one + Which bit a gentleman for fun + And terrified a horse. + + He is extremely swift and slim, + And if you try to tread on him + He scuttles up the path; + He goes and burrows in your sponge + And takes one wild terrific plunge + When you are in the bath; + Or else--and this is simply foul-- + He gets into a nice hot towel + And waits till you are dried, + And then, when Nanny does your ears, + He _wrrriggles_ in and disappears: + He stays in there for years and years + And _crrrawls_ about inside. + At last, if you are still alive, + A lot of baby ones arrive; + But probably you've died. + + How inconvenient it must be! + There isn't any way, you see, + To get him out again; + So, when you want to frighten me + Or really give me pain, + Please don't go on about that bear + And all those burglars on the stair; + I shouldn't turn a tiny hair + At such Victorian stuff; + You only have to say instead, + "THERE IS AN EARWIG IN YOUR BED" + And that will be enough. + +A.P.H. + + * * * * * + + +MY RIGHT-HAND MAN. + +On glancing the other day through the only human column of my +newspaper--that headed "Personal"--I was much intrigued by the +advertisement of a gentleman who styled himself a "busy commercial +magnate," and who announced his urgent need of a "right-hand man." The +duties of the post were not particularised, but their importance was +made clear by the statement that "any salary within reason" would be +paid to a really suitable person. + +No, I did not think of applying for the post myself; a twelve months' +adjutancy to a dyspeptic Colonel had long cured me of the desire to +bottle-wash for anyone again, however lavish the remuneration. But, I +thought to myself, it must evidently be a profitable notion to employ +a right-hand man, or why should this magnate person be so airy on the +subject of salary? Would it not then pay me to engage somebody in +a similar capacity? Increased production, in spite of Trade Union +economics, is emphatically a need of the moment. With a right-hand man +at my right hand (when he wasn't at my left) I could, I felt sure, +increase my own output enormously; and I began to plan out my daily +work under the reconstruction scheme. + +I will call him "Snaggs"; that will save me the trouble of having to +write "my right-hand man" every time I want to refer to him; but when +he enters my service such economy of labour will not, of course, +be necessary. Snaggs, then, will arrive punctually at nine every +morning--no, on second thoughts he will sleep in, in case an +inspiration that needs recording arrives after I have gone to bed. (I +shrink from estimating how much wealth I have lost through going to +sleep on my nocturnal inspirations, which the most thorough search +next morning never avails to recapture; but a speaking-tube, with +alarm attachment, running into Snaggs's room will alter all that.) + +His first duty of the day will be to wade through all the newspapers +and cut out any paragraphs that may serve as pegs for an article or a +set of verses. My own difficulty in this respect has always been that +I can never manage to get through more than one paper in a working +morning, and not all of that; invariably my attention gets caught +by some long and instructive but (for my purposes) hopelessly +unsuggestive dissertation on Pedigree Pigs or The Co-operative +Movement in Lower Papua, and I consequently overlook many of those +inspiring little "stories" that inform us, for example, that a +distinguished physician advocates the use of tomato-sauce as a +hair-restorer. + +By the time I have finished breakfast, I reckon, Snaggs will have +found me subjects for at least a dozen effusions, neatly arranged with +a few skeleton suggestions for the treatment of each. I shall first +decide which are to be handled in prose and which in verse, and in the +case of the latter shall jot down a few words and phrases that will +obviously have to be dragged in as line-endings. Then I shall put +Snaggs on to the purely mechanical drudgery of finding all the +possible rhymes to these words (_e.g._, fascinate, assassinate, +pro-Krassinate--you know the sort of thing that's called for), and by +the time he has catalogued them all I shall have dashed off most of +the prose articles, which Snaggs will then proceed to type while I am +engaged in the comparatively simple task of piecing together the verse +jigsaws. In this way I should easily be able to earn an ordinary +week's takings in a morning. + +The next task will be the placing of this material, and that is how +Snaggs's afternoons will be spent. I have always had an unnecessarily +tender feeling for editors, and often, after laboriously giving birth +to an article, have concealed it in a drawer rather than run the risk +of boring anyone with its perusal. Snaggs, however, will be fashioned +of more pachydermatous material and will daily make himself such a +nuisance that they'll give him an order, and possibly a long contract, +to get rid of him. By a proper system of book-keeping he will also +save me from the occasional blunder of sending the same article to the +same paper twice. + +My wife, to whom I have submitted this brain-wave, says that the first +job to employ Snaggs on will be calling on the Bank Manager to arrange +about the overdraft which neither of us has so far had the courage to +moot. But that, I am afraid, would inspire him with foolish doubts as +to the stability of his princely salary. Perhaps it will be best if, +before actually engaging Snaggs, I convert myself into a limited +company, "for the purpose of acquiring and enlarging the business +and goodwill of the private enterprise known as Percival +Trumpington-Jones, Esq." A sufficient number of shares will be issued +to guarantee Snaggs at least his first year's screw; that done, the +proposition should be practically gilt-edged. So who's coming in on +the bargain-basement floor? + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: =THE PHILANTHROPIST.= + +_Customer._ "WHY, YOU'VE PUT YOUR PRICES UP AGAIN!" + +_Fishmonger._ "WELL, MUM, I ASK YER, 'OW ELSE ARE WE TO FIGHT THE +PROFITEER AT 'IS OWN GAME?"] + + * * * * * + + +AT THE PLAY. + +"THE DAISY." + +I imagine that the authors who founded this play on a Hungarian +original regarded it as an ambitious piece of work. If so, they were +right in the sense that they have attempted something very much beyond +their powers. In the view of the gentleman who addressed us at the +fall of the curtain (I understand that he was one of the authors) it +offered magnificent opportunities (I think "magnificent" was the word) +for the brilliant gifts of two of the actors. Certainly it covered a +good bit of ground, what with this world and the next; for it started +with roundabouts on the Heath, and got as far away as the Judgment Day +(Hungarian style?)--and fourteen years after. + +I may have a contemptibly weak stomach for this kind of thing, but I +confess that I don't care much for a representation of the Judgment +Day in a melodrama of low life. Of course low life has just as much +right as any other sort of life to be represented in a Judgment +Day scene; but it ought to behave itself there and not introduce +back-chat. + +I should explain that it was a special Suicide Court, and that the +object of _The Magister_, as the Presiding Judge was named in the +programme, was to inquire into the record of the delinquent and, if +his answers were satisfactory, to allow him to revisit the scenes of +his earthly life in order to repair any little omissions that he might +have made in the hurry of departure. Unfortunately the leading case +was a bad example of suicide. It had not been deliberate; he had +simply killed himself impromptu in a tight corner to avoid arrest for +intended murder. + +Worse still, when he returned to earth after a lapse of fourteen +years' purgatory (between the sixth and seventh scenes), for his +record was a rotten one and he had shown no signs of penitence, the +_revenant_ made very poor use of his hour. Returning to his wife whom +he had brutalised, he found that she had taught their girl-child to +regard him as a paragon of virtue, and most of his limited time was +spent in correcting this beautiful legend. You see, at the time of his +death he had had no chance of making the child realise how bad he was, +for the excellent reason that she had not yet been born, so he seized +this opportunity of making good that omission. + +As a practical illustration of the kind of man he really had been, he +struck the child violently on the arm. We all saw him do it and we +all heard the smack, but the child assured us that she had not felt +anything. This I suppose was the author's way, ingenuous enough, of +reminding us that it was a case of spirit and not of flesh, whatever +our eyes and ears might persuade us to think of it. + +Already in a previous scene there had been the same old difficulty. +While the man lay dead on his bed his spirit had been summoned by +a Higher Power (indicated in a peep-show), and his corpse sat up, +displacing the prostrate form of the widow, who had to take up a new +position, without however appearing to notice anything. It was still +sitting up when the curtain fell, and incidentally was caught in the +act of resuming its recumbent position when the curtain rose again for +the purpose of allowing the actors to receive our respectful plaudits. + +Behind me I heard an American lady suggest that if they could somehow +distinguish the spirit from the body it would be better for our +illusions. To which her neighbour expressed the opinion that they +would eventually manage to do that feat. I await, less hopefully, this +development in stage mechanism. Meanwhile _Mary Rose_ has much to +answer for. + +The play began promisingly enough with a scene full of colour and +humanity, of humour and pathos. We were among the roundabouts, whose +florid and buxom manageress, _Mrs. Muscat_ (admirably played by Miss +SUZANNE SHELDON), was having a quarrel of jealousy with her assistant +and late lover, "_The Daisy_," who had been seen taking notice of +Another. The dumb devotion of this child, _Julia_ (Miss MARY MERRALL), +who could never find words for her love--she said little beyond "Yuss" +and "I dunno"--was a very moving thing; and the patient stillness with +which she bore his subsequent brutality held us always under a strange +fascination. + +[Illustration: "_The Daisy_" (_Mr. CAINE_). "WHAT MADE YOU TAKE A +FANCY TO ME?" + +_Julia_ (_Miss MERRALL_). "I DUNNO." + +(_Sympathetic appreciation of her ignorance on part of audience._)] + +For the rest it was an ugly and sordid business, relieved only by the +coy confidences of the amorous _Maria_ (played by Miss GLADYS GORDON +with a nice sense of fun). Mr. HENRY CAINE, as "_The Daisy_," +presented very effectively the rough-and-ready humour and the frank +brutality of his type; but he perhaps failed to convey the devastating +attractions which he was alleged to have for the frail sex; and his +sudden spasms of tragic emotion seemed a little out of the picture. + +Apart from the painful crudity of the scene that was loosely described +as "The Other Side," the play abounded in amateurisms. For one thing +there was too much sermonising. It began with an obtrusive homily +on the part of an inspector of police, who went out of his way to +admonish _Julia_ about the danger of associating with "_The Daisy_." +Another instance was that of the bank-messenger, a person of such +self-possession and detachment that he contrived to deliver a moral +address while holding one foiled villain at the point of his revolver +and gripping the other's wrist as in a vice. + +Nothing again could have been more naïve than the innocent home-coming +of the domestic carving-knive, freshly sharpened, from the grinder's +just in time to be diverted to the objects of a murderous enterprise. + +Altogether, it was rather poor stuff, unworthy of the talent of many +of its interpreters and of the trouble that Miss EDITH CRAIG had spent +over its scenic effects. Perhaps the audience had been led to expect +too much, for "_The Daisy_," far from being the "wee, modest" flower +of ROBERT BURNS, had been at some pains to draw preliminary attention +to its merits. + +O.S. + + * * * * * + +=The Bedroom Shortage.= + + "That a woman ought to dress quietly and practically in the street + is unquestionable." + +"_Times" Fashion article_. + + * * * * * + + "As the harvest season this year is late, sport will not be + general for at least two weeks hence, when grain crops may be + expected to be in stook. For some time to come sheep will be + confined to the low hill-sides and pasture lands and turnip + fields, and a few good bags were had there yesterday."--_Scotch + Paper._ + +We still prefer the old-fashioned sport of partridge-shooting. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: =WAR AND SCIENCE.= + +_Greek Officer._ "CAN'T YOU THINK OF SOMETHING QUICK? THE ARMY IS +WAITING AND THE ENEMY APPROACHES." + +_Archimedes._ "SCIENCE IS NOT TO BE HUSTLED, GENERAL. JUST GET YOUR +ARMY TO DO A LITTLE PLAIN FIGHTING WHILE I THINK OUT A FANCY SCHEME."] + + * * * * * + + +SPANISH LEDGES. + +SCILLY. + + The bells of Cadiz clashed for them + When they sailed away; + The Citadel guns, saluting, crashed for them + Over the Bay; + With banners of saints aloft unfolding, + Their poops a glitter of golden moulding, + Tambours throbbing and trumpets neighing, + Into the sunset they went swaying. + But the port they sought they wandered wide of, + And they won't see Spain again this side of + Judgment Day. + + For they're down, deep down, in Dead Man's Town, + Twenty fathoms under the clean green waters. + No more hauling sheets in the rolling treasure fleets, + No more stinking rations and dread red slaughters; + No galley oars shall bow them nor shrill whips cow them, + Frost shall not shrivel them nor the hot sun smite, + No more watch to keep, nothing now but sleep-- + Sleep and take it easy in the long twilight. + + The bells of Cadiz tolled for them + Mournful and glum; + Up in the Citadel requiems rolled for them + On the black drum; + Priests had many a mass to handle, + Nuestra Señora many a candle, + And many a lass grew old in praying + For a sight of those topsails homeward swaying-- + But it's late to wait till a girl is bride of + A Jack who won't be back this side of + Kingdom Come. + + But little they care down there, down there, + Hid from time and tempest by the jade-green waters; + They have loves a-plenty down at fathom twenty, + Pearly-skinned silver-finned mer-kings' daughters. + At the gilt quarter-ports sit the Dons at their sports, + A-dicing and drinking the red wine and white, + While the crews forget their wrongs in the sea-maids' songs + And dance upon the foc'sles in the grey ghost light. + +PATLANDER. + + * * * * * + + "REMARKABLE OVAL SCORING." _Evening Paper Contents Bill._ + +We have made some remarkable scores of that shape ourselves in the +past, but we never boast about them. + + * * * * * + + "He believed that the English pronounced in the streets of + London in, say, 200 years' time, will be much different, if not + unintelligible, to the man of to-day."--_Daily Paper._ + +Just like the English in some of our newspapers. + + * * * * * + + "The Secretary of State for India is not _persona grata_ either to + the British House of Commons or to the British public. That is the + old-fashioned English of it."--_Bangalore Daily Post._ + +It would be interesting to see the old-fashioned Latin of it. + + * * * * * + +"Will any Lady Recommend Country Home of the best where 2 precious +Poms can be happy and would be looked after for 6 weeks? Surrey +preferred."--_Morning Paper._ + +Think of their disgust at finding themselves boarded out in Sussex or +Kent. + + * * * * * + + "Young Hungarian Lady with English and German knolidgement wants + sob with English or American Organization."--_Pester Lloyd._ + + Laugh and the world laughs with you; + Sob and you sob alone. + + * * * * * + + +A WAY OUT OF THE PRESENT UNREST. + +"A penny for your thoughts," I said to Kathleen. + +"I like that," said Kathleen indignantly. "A penny was the market +value of my thoughts in 1914. Why should butter and cheese and reels +of cotton go up more than double and my thoughts stay the same?" + +"Twopence," I offered. + +"I said _more_ than double," she remarked coldly. + +I plunged. "Sixpence," I said. + +"Done!" + +"I'll put it in the collection bag for you next Sunday," I added +hastily. + +"Well, I was thinking of Veronica's future. I was wondering what she +was going to be." + +"When we went to the Crystal Palace," I said gently, "I rather +gathered that she wanted to be the proprietor of a merry-go-round. +They were dragons with red-plush seats." + +"She might go into Parliament," said Kathleen dreamily; "I expect +women will be able to do everything by the time she's grown up. She +might be a Cabinet Minister. I don't see why she shouldn't be Prime +Minister." + +"Her hair's just about the right length now," I said. "And perhaps she +could give me congenial employment. I wouldn't mind being Minister of +Transport. There's quite a good salary attached. But of course she may +have ideas of her own on the subject." + +Feeling curious, I went in search of Veronica. I found her at a +private dance given by the butterflies and hollyhocks at the other end +of the lawn. When she saw me she came to meet me and made her excuses +very politely. + +"We've just been wondering what you're going to be when you've stopped +being a little girl," I said. + +"Me?" said Veronica calmly. "Oh, I'm going to be a fairy. You don't +want me to be anything else, do you?" she added anxiously. + +Even the Prime Minister's post seemed suddenly quite flat. + +"Oh, no," I said. "I think you've made a very good choice." But she +was not quite satisfied. + +"I shall hate going away from you," she said. "Couldn't you come too?" + +"Where?" + +"To Fairyland." + +"Ah!" I said, "that takes some thinking about. Could we come back if +we didn't like it?" + +"N-no, I don't fink so. I've never heard of anyone doing that. But +you'll love it," she went on earnestly. "You'll be ever so tiny and +you can draw funny frost pictures wiv rainbows and fold up flowers +into buds and splash dew-water over everyfing at night and ride on +butterflies and help the birds to make nests. Fink what _fun_ to help +a bird to make a nest! You'll _love_ it!" + +"Is that all?" I said sternly. "Are you keeping nothing from me? What +about witches and spells and being turned into frogs? I'm sure I +remember that in my fairy tales." + +"Oh, nothing that _matters_," she said quickly. "You can always _tell_ +a witch, you know, and we'll keep out of their way. An' if a nasty +fairy turns you into a frog a nice one will always turn you back quite +soon. It's all right. You mustn't worry about _that_. There won't be +any fun if you don't come too, darlin'," she ended shamelessly. + +I considered. + +"Veronica," I said at last, "is there such a thing as Ireland in +Fairyland? Is there an exchange that won't keep steady? Is there any +labour trouble?" + +She shook her head. + +"I've never heard of anyfing that sounded like those," she said; "I'm +sure there isn't." + +"That decides it," I said. "We'll all come. As soon as you can +possibly arrange it." + +She heaved a sigh of relief and ran off to tell the glad news to the +butterflies and hollyhocks. + +So that's settled. + +I think we've made a wise decision. + +After all, what's a witch or two, or even a temporary existence as a +frog, compared with a coal strike? + + * * * * * + + +THE WAIL OF THE WASP. + + When that I was a tiny grub, + And peevish and inclined to blub, + Mother, my Queen, + My infant grief you would assuage + With promise of the ripe greengage + And purple sheen + Of luscious plums, + "When Autumn comes." + + The Autumn days are flying fast; + Across the bleak skies overcast + Scurries the wind; + Where are those plums of purple hue, + Mother? I only wish that you + Had disciplined + My pampered youth + To face the truth. + + The time for wasps is nearly done, + And what is life without the sun, + Mother, my Queen? + Dull stupor numbs your royal head; + Torpid my sisters lie--or dead; + Come, let me lean + Back on my sting + And end the thing. + + * * * * * + + +SUGGESTIONS FOR A GENERAL PAPER. + +(_For the benefit of the Examiners in the Oxford School of English +Literature._) + + (1) Compare, in respect of pulpit oratory, (_a_) Dr. SOUTH with +"WOODBINE WILLIE," and (_b_) Dr. MICHAEL FURSE (Bishop of St. Albans) +with the JUDICIOUS HOOKER. + + (2) Give reasons in support of Mr. BEVERLEY NICHOLLS' emendation of +the lines in _The Ancient Mariner_-- + + The wedding guest he beat his breast, + For he heard the proud SASSOON. + + (3) Re-write "Tears, idle tears" in the style of (_a_) Dr. JOHNSON, +(_b_) CALISTHENES, (_c_) the SITWELLS. + + (4) What do you know of CASANOVA, KARSAVINA, CAGLIOSTRO, KENNEDY +JONES, Captain PETER WRIGHT, EPSTEIN, ECKSTEIN and EINSTEIN? When did +Sir OLIVER LODGE say that he would not leave _ein Stein_ unturned +until he had upset the theory of Relativity? + + (5) Give a complete list of all the poets, major and minor, at present +residing on Boar's Hill, and trace their influence on the Baconian +controversy. + + (6) Distinguish by psycho-analysis between (_a_) SYDNEY SMITH +and SIDNEY LEE, (_b_) GEORGE MEREDITH and GEORGE ROBEY, noting +convergences as well as divergences of mentality, physique and +sub-conscious uplift. + + (7) Would Jason, who sailed in the _Argo_, have laid an embargo on +MARGOT as passenger or supercargo? Estimate the probable results +of her introduction to Medea, and its effect on the views and +translations of Professor GILBERT MURRAY. + + (8) What eminent Georgian critic said that TENNYSON's greatest work +was his _Idols of the Queen_? + + (9) Estimate the effect on Reconstruction if Mr. BOTTOMLEY were to +devote himself exclusively to theological studies, and Mr. WELLS were +to take up his abode permanently in Russia. + + * * * * * + +=Another Impending Apology.= + + "FIRE AT CHILDREN'S HOME. + LADY HENRY SOMERSET'S WORK." + +_Daily Paper._ + + * * * * * + +From a Pimlico shop window:-- + + "GENTLEMEN'S WAR ROBES BOUGHT." + +Apparently not worth a "d." + + * * * * * + "Professor ----, the pianist, who is trying to complete 110 hours' + continuous playing, completed fifty-five hours on the first day." + + _Cologne Post._ + +That makes it too easy. + + * * * * * + + "Mme. Karsavina is taller than Pavlova, but has an equally perfect + figure. The Greeks would have bracketted her with Venus and + Aphrodite."--_Provincial Paper._ + +The two last have, of course, been constantly bracketed. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: Golfer (very much off his game). "ONE ROUND NEARER THE +GRAVE."] + + * * * * * + + +OUR BOOKING-OFFICE. + +(_By Mr. Punch's Staff of Learned Clerks._) + + +Not for a long time have I got so great a pleasure from any collection +of short sketches as now from Miss ANNE DOUGLAS SEDGWICK'S _Autumn +Crocuses_ (SECKER). Not only has the whole book a pleasant title, but +each of these stories is happily called after some flower that plays a +part in its development. I am aware of the primly Victorian sound of +such a description applied to art so modern as that of Miss SEDGWICK. +You know already (I hope) how wonderfully delicate is her almost +passionate sensibility to the finer shades of a situation. It is, +I suppose, this quality in her writing that makes me still have +reminiscent shivers when I think about that horrible little +bogie-tale, _The Third Window_; and these "Flower Pieces" (as 1860 +might have called them) are no whit less subtle. I wish I had space to +give you the plots of some of them; "Daffodils," for instance, a quite +unexpected and thrilling treatment of perhaps the oldest situation of +literature; or "Staking a Larkspur," the only instance in which Miss +Sedgwick's gently smiling humour crystallizes definitely into comedy; +or "Carnations," the most brilliantly written of all. As this liberty +is denied me you must accept a plain record of very rare enjoyment and +take steps to share it. + + * * * * * + +Chief among the _Secrets of Crewe House_ (HODDER AND STOUGHTON), +now divulged to the mere public, are the marvellous efficiency and +superhuman success achieved by the British Enemy Propaganda Committee, +which operated in Lord CREWE'S London house under the directorate of +Lord NORTHCLIFFE. "What is propaganda?" the author asks himself on an +early page, and the right answer could have been made in four letters: +ADVT. It is endorsed by the eulogistic manner in which the Committee's +work is written up by one of them, Sir CAMPBELL STUART, K.B.E., and +illustrated by photographs of Lord NORTHCLIFFE (looking positively +Napoleonic) and of the sub-supermen. As in all great achievements, the +main principle was a simple one. A good article is best advertised by +truth; and it was the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the +truth which the Committee, with admirable conciseness and no little +ingenuity, so promulgated that it could no longer escape notice even +in the Central Empires. Not the least of the Committee's difficulties +and achievements was to get the truth of our cause and policy so +defined as to be susceptible of unequivocal statement by poster, +leaflet, film and gramophone record. Sir CAMPBELL STUART perhaps tends +to underrate the rival show, the German propaganda organization, whose +work, if it did Germany little good, has done and is still doing +colossal harm to us. Also he tends to forget that Lord HAIG and his +little lot in France at any rate helped the Committee to effect the +breakdown of the German _moral_ in 1918 and so to win the war. + + * * * * * + +I feel that Miss MARGARET SYMONDS had a purpose in writing _A Child of +the Alps_ (FISHER UNWIN), but, unless it was to show how mistaken +it is, as _Basil_, the Swiss farmer, puts it, "to think when thou +shouldst have been living," it has evaded me. The book begins with a +romantic marriage between an Englishwoman of some breeding and a Swiss +peasant who is a doctor, and tells the history of their daughter until +she is about to marry _Basil_, her original sweetheart. I cannot be +more definite or tell you how her first marriage--with an English +cousin--turned out, because _Linda's_ own account of this is all +we get, and that is somewhat vague. A great many descriptions of +beautiful scenery, Swiss and Italian, come into the book, and a great +many people, some of them very individual and lifelike; but the +author's concentration on _Linda_ gives them, people and scenery +alike, an unreal and irritating effect of having been called into +being solely to influence her heroine, and that lessens their +fascination. Yet it is a book which makes a distinct impression, and +once read will not easily be forgotten. It seems a strange comment to +make on a new volume of a "First Novel Library," but _A Child of +the Alps_, as you will realise if you have been reading novels long +enough, is almost exactly the sort of book its title would have +suggested had it appeared thirty years ago. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Prospective Employer._ "HOW OLD ARE YOU?" _Applicant +for Post._ "FOURTEEN--AND UNMARRIED."] + + * * * * * + +These wrapper-artists should really exercise a little more discretion. +To depict on the outside of a book the facsimile of a cheque for ten +thousand pounds might well be to excite in some readers a mood of +wistfulness only too apt to interfere with their appreciation of the +contents. Fortunately, _Uncle Simon_ (HUTCHINSON) is a story quite +cheery enough even to banish reflections on the Profiteer. A +middle-aged and ultra-respectable London solicitor, whose thwarted +youth periodically awakes in him and insists upon his indulging all +those follies that should have been safely finished forty-odd years +before--here, you will admit, is a figure simply bursting with every +kind of possibility. Fortunately, moreover, MARGARET and H. DE VERE +STACPOOLE have shown themselves not only fully alive to all the +humorous chances of their theme, but inspired with an infectious +delight in them. It is, for example, a singularly happy touch that the +wild oats that _Uncle Simon_ tries to retrieve are not of to-day but +from the long-vanished pastures of mid-Victorian London. Of course +such a fantasy can't properly be ended. Having extracted (as I +gratefully admit) the last ounce of entertainment from him, the +authors simply wake _Uncle Simon_ up and go home. As a small literary +coincidence I may perhaps add that it was my fortune to read the book +in the very garden (of that admirable Shaftesbury inn) which, under +a transparent disguise, is the scene of _Uncle Simon's_ restoration. +Naturally this enhanced my enjoyment of a sportive little comedy, +which I can most cordially commend. + + * * * * * + +Mr. ST. JOHN G. ERVINE is a versatile author who exhibits that +unevenness of quality which is generally the besetting sin of +versatile authors. When he is good he is very good indeed, and in _The +Foolish Lovers_ (COLLINS) he is at his best. The Ulsterman is seldom +either a lovable or an interesting character. He has certain rude +virtues which command respect and other qualities, not in +themselves virtues--such as clan conceit and an intensely narrow +provincialism--that beget the virtues of industry, honesty and +frugality. But to the philosopher and student of character all types +are interesting, and Mr. ERVINE'S skill lies in his ability not merely +to draw his Ballyards hero to the life but to interest us in his +unsuccessful efforts to become a successful writer. It is merely clan +conceit that drives him forward in the pursuit of this purpose, for +circumstances have clearly intended him to carry on the grocery +business in which the family have achieved some success and a full +measure of local esteem. The _MacDermotts_ never failed to accomplish +their purpose; he, as a _MacDermott_, proposed to achieve fame as a +novelist. It was quite simple. But it turned out to be not at all +simple. The quite provincial young _MacDermott_ cannot make London +accept him at his own valuation and his novels are poor stuff. His +wife, loyal to him but still more loyal to the _MacDermott_ clan into +which she has married and which now includes a little _MacDermott_, is +the first to recognise that her husband had best seek romance in the +family grocery business. Then the _MacDermott_ himself, with that +shrewdness which may be late in coming to an Ulsterman but never fails +him altogether, realises it too and the story is finished. + + * * * * * + +The main object of the characters in _The Courts of Idleness_ (WARD, +LOCK) was to amuse themselves, and as their sprightly conversations +were often punctuated by laughter I take it that they succeeded. To +give Mr. DORNFORD YATES his due he is expert in light banter; but some +three hundred pages of such entertainment tend to create a sense of +surfeit. The first part of the book is called, "How some passed out +of the Courts for ever," and then comes an interlude, in which we are +given at least one stirring war-incident. I imagine that Mr. YATES +desires to show that, although certain people could frivol with the +worst, they could also fight and die bravely. The second part, "How +others left the Courts only to return," introduces a new set of people +but with similar conversational attainments. Mr. YATES can be strongly +recommended to anyone who thinks that the British take themselves too +seriously. + + * * * * * + +=A Burning Question.= + + "The Germans have singed the Protocol."--_China Advertiser_. + + * * * * * + +=A Master of Deduction.= + + "At 11.30 last night a black iron safe, 22 inches by 18, was found + by the roadside at Leaves Green-road, Keston. When examined it was + found that the bottom of the safe had been cut out. A burglary is + suspected."--_Evening Paper_. + + * * * * * + + + + + + + + +End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. +159, September 22, 1920, by Various + +*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH, OR THE LONDON *** + +***** This file should be named 17653-8.txt or 17653-8.zip ***** +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: + http://www.gutenberg.org/1/7/6/5/17653/ + +Produced by Jonathan Ingram, Lesley Halamek and the Online +Distributed Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net + + +Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions +will be renamed. + +Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no +one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation +(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without +permission and without paying copyright royalties. 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