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diff --git a/17634.txt b/17634.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..da914b2 --- /dev/null +++ b/17634.txt @@ -0,0 +1,2174 @@ +The Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 152, +May 30, 1917, by Various + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 152, May 30, 1917 + +Author: Various + +Editor: Owen Seaman + +Release Date: January 29, 2006 [EBook #17634] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ASCII + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH, OR THE LONDON *** + + + + +Produced by Jonathan Ingram, Lesley Halamek and the Online +Distributed Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net + + + + + + +PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. + +VOL. 152. + + + +May 30th, 1917. + + + + +CHARIVARIA. + + +Mr. WILL THORNE declares that a hotel in Petrograd charged him twelve +shillings for four small custards. After all, the war spirit of +Russia, it would seem, is not wholly dead. + + * * * + +According to officials of the Food Ministry, "domestic pastry" may +still be baked. The idea is that this kind of pastry tends to decrease +the total number of food consumers. + + * * * + +Allied control officers have discovered fifteen hundred tons of +potatoes hidden in Athens. The Salonika expedition is now felt to be +justified. + + * * * + +A certain Kingston resident, when out walking, wears a white band on +his hat, the with words, "Eat less bread. Do it now." Eyewitnesses +report that the immediate rush of pedestrians to the tea-rooms to eat +less bread is most gratifying. + + * * * + +"The British loaf," according to Mr. KENNEDY JONES, "is going to beat +the Germans." If grit can do it, we agree. + + * * * + +"Allotments under cultivation in Middlesex," says a weekly paper +breathlessly, "if place end to end, would reach five miles." Of course +it is not thought likely that they will be. + + * * * + +The father of a lad charged with embezzlement explained that since the +boy was struck on the head with a cricket ball he could not keep a +penny novel out of his hands. Speculation is now rife as to the +nature of the accidents responsible for the passion that some people +entertain for our more expensive fiction. + + * * * + +"It is possible," says a contemporary, "that an invention will one +day be forthcoming which will make a clean sweep of the submarine." +Meanwhile we must expect him to go on acting like the dirty sweep he +is. + + * * * + +To meet the paper shortage, Austrian editors have determined to +economise by reducing the daily reports of victories. + + * * * + +_Le Matin_ states that at a Grand Council of War sharp disagreement on +the conduct of operations arose between the KAISER and HINDENBURG. The +Marshal, we understand, insisted upon the right to organise his own +defeats without any assistance from the All-highest-but-one. + + * * * + +A London dairyman has been heavily fined for selling water containing +a large percentage of milk. + + * * * + +"To tell the honest truth," said the Hon. JOHN COLLIER, giving +evidence in the Romney case, "we artists do not think much of the art +critics." It is this dare-devil attitude which distinguishes your real +genius. + + * * * + +Some surprise was recently caused in Liverpool when the residents +learned from the _Cologne Gazette_ that their port had been destroyed +and all the inhabitants removed to another town. They consider that in +common fairness the _Cologne Gazette_ ought to have given them some +idea as to where they were living. + + * * * + +It is announced that four German War Correspondents have been +decorated with the Iron Cross of the Second Class. We have always +maintained that the War Correspondent, like his fighting brother, is +not immune from the perils of warfare. + + * * * + +We are not surprised to learn that the mouth-organ is the favorite +instrument among the soldiers in a certain Labour unit. The advantage +of this instrument is that when carried in the pocket it does not +spoil the figure like a cello. + + * * * + +Now that the shortage of starch supply will compel men to wear soft +collars it is understood that Mr. GEORGE BERNARD SHAW, who already +wears them soft, proposes to give up collars altogether, so as not to +be mistaken for an ordinary man. + + * * * + +City business houses, it is stated, are adopting the practice of +closing during the dinner-hour. The old fashioned custom of doing +business and dining on alternate days had much to recommend it. + + * * * + +There was no sugar in England when Crecy and Agincourt were fought, +as Captain BATHURST told the House of Commons recently. How the War +Office did without its afternoon tea in those barbarous days it is +impossible to conjecture. + + * * * + +The forthcoming Irish Convention is to be held, it is stated, behind +locked doors. Why not add a charming element of adventure to the +affair by entrusting some thoroughly absent-minded person with the +key? + + * * * + +Lord ESHER believes that "our home-coming is not far distant." +Meanwhile it is cheering to know that quite a number of our fellows +are getting home on the HINDENBURG line. + + * * * + +"Walking canes for ladies with small round heads of ivory" are +becoming increasingly popular, declared a contemporary. We ourselves +would hesitate to lash the follies of smart Society in a manner quite +so frank. + + * * * + +It appears that at the Bath War Hospital a hen lays an egg every day +in a soldier's locker. Only physical difficulties prevent the large +hearted bird from laying it in his egg-cup. + + * * * + +ZAMBI, a Zulu native, has just died at the age of a +hundred-and-twelve. It seems that war-worry hastened his end. + + * * * * * + + +[Illustration: _Proprietress_ (_as customer becomes obstreperous_), +"NOW THEN, WILLIE, OVER THE TOP!"] + + * * * * * + + +=Professional Candour.= + +From a dentist's advertisement:-- + + "TEETH EXTRACTED WITH THE GREATEST PAINS" + + * * * * * + + "Wanted.--Good cook-general, for very small Naval officer's + family." + +_Isle of Wight Mercury_. + +Intending applicants should exercise caution. A very small Naval +officer may have a very large family. + + * * * * * + + "L5 REWARD--Lost from Ruislip (July, 1214), half-persian dark + tabby tom cat." + +_Harrow Observer_. + +And they tell us that a cat has only nine lives! + + * * * * * + + + +=THE PROPHETIC PRESENT.= + + "There is no Hindenburg line." + +_Inspired German Press_. + + By nature they abhor the light, + But here in this their latest tract + Your parrot Press by oversight + Has deviated into fact; + If not (at present) strictly true, + It shows a sound anticipation + Born of the fear that's father to + The allegation. + + For, though the boasted "line" of which + No trace occurs on German maps + Retains the semblance of a ditch, + It has some nasty yawning gaps; + It bulges here, it wobbles there, + It crumples up with broken hinges, + Keeping no sort of pattern where + Our Push impinges. + + When the triumphant word went round + How that your god, disguised as man, + At victory's height was giving ground + According to a well-laid plan, + Here he arranged to draw the line + (As _Siegfried's_ you were told to hymn it) + And plant _Nil ultra_ for a sign-- + Meaning the limit. + + And now "There's no such thing," they say; + Well, that implies prophetic sense; + And, if a British prophet may + Adopt their graphic present tense, + I would remark--and so forestall + A truth they'll never dare to trench on:-- + _There is no HINDENBURG at all, + Or none worth mention_. + +O.S. + + * * * * * + +=WAYS AND MEANS.= + +I met her at the usual place, and she looked much the same as +usual--which astonished me rather. + +"Now that we're engaged," I began. + +"Oh, but we aren't," said Phyllis. + +"Are you by any chance a false woman?" I asked. "You remember what you +said last night?" + +"I do, and what I said I stick to. But that was pleasure, and this is +business." + +I looked at her in sudden alarm. + +"You're--you're quite sure you aren't a widow, Phyllis?" + +"Quite. Why?" + +"Talking of business at a time like this. It sounds so--so +experienced." + +"Well, if you _will_ try to settle our whole future lives in one short +week-end leave, we must at least be practical. Anyway, it's just this. +I'm not going to be engaged to you until there's some prospect of our +getting married. I hate long engagements." + +"That means not till after the War, then," said I disconsolately. + +"I'm afraid it does. But when once the War's over it won't be long +before you'll be able to keep me in the style to which I'm accustomed, +will it?" + +"Years and years, I should think," said I, looking at her new hat. +"It'll take at least a pound a day even to start with." + +"Three hundred and sixty-five a year," said she thoughtfully. + +"And an extra one in Leap Year," I warned her. + +"Did I ever tell you," she asked with pride, "that I have money of my +own?" + +"Hurrah!" I shouted. "You darling! How splendid!" + +"Jimmy," she said apprehensively, "you aren't marrying me for it, are +you?" + +"How can I tell till I know how much you've got?" + +"Well, at a pound a day it would take us to February 19th. You'd have +to begin from there." + +"What an heiress! Promise you'll never cast it in my teeth, dear, that +I've got less than you. I've got enough War Loan to take us on to the +23rd and halfway through the 24th; and Exchequer Bonds and things +which will see us through--er--to about 7.15 P.M. on March 31st. Then +there's my writing." + +"Oh," she said in a surprised tone "do they pay you for that? I +always thought you gave them so much a line to put things in--like +advertisements, you know." + +"Madam," I answered with dignity, "when you find yourself, from April +1st until April 20th, depending each year upon my pen for the very +bread you eat, perchance you will regret those wounding words." + +"Well, what else?" + +I shook my head. + +"That's all," I said. "We don't seem to have got very far, do we? +Couldn't you--er--trim hats, or take in washing, or something?" + +"No--but _you_ could. I mean, we haven't counted in your salary yet, +have we?" + +"What salary?" + +"Well, whatever they give you for doing whatever you do. What were you +getting before the War?" + +"Oh, nothing much." + +"Yes, but _how_ much?" + +"Really," I began stiffly. + +"If you're ashamed to say it right out, just tell me how far it would +take us." + +"To about the end of September, I should think." + +"Oh, dear! Three more months to go." A frown wrinkled her forehead; +then her brow cleared. "Why, of course we haven't counted in the +holidays." + +"They aren't usually an asset." + +"Yes, they are--if you spend them with your rich relations. I've got +lots, but I don't think they'd like _you_ much." + +"All right," said I shortly; "_keep_ your beastly relations. I shall +go to Uncle Alfred for October. _He_ loves me." + +"That leaves November and December," she mused. "Oh, well, there's +nothing else for it--we must quarrel." + +"What, now?" + +"No, stupid. Every October 31st, by letter. Then I'll go home to +mother, and you'll stay with Uncle Alfred some more. I hope he'll like +it." + +"Y-e-s," I said doubtfully. "That would do it, of course. But we +shan't see very much of each other that way, shall we? Still, I +suppose.... Good Heavens!" + +"What's the matter?" + +"Phyllis, we've forgotten all about income-tax. That means about +another two months to account for." + +"My dear, how _awful!_" + +There was a pause while we both thought deeply. + +"Couldn't you ..." we began together at last, and each waited for the +other to finish. + +"Look here," I remarked, "we're both very good at finding things for +the other to do. Isn't there anything we could do together--a job for +'respectable married couple,' you know?" + +"Why, of course--caretaking! We'll look after ducal mansions in the +silly season, when everybody's out of town. Then we'll see simply +heaps of one another." + +"Yes," I agreed. "And then in the evenings, when you've scrubbed the +steps and the woodwork and polished the brass and dusted the rooms and +cleaned the grate and cooked the meals and tidied the kitchen, and +I've inspected the gas-meter and fed the canary, or whatever it is a +he-care-taker does, we'll dress ourselves up and go and sit in the +ducal apartments and pretend we're 'quality.'" + +"And impress our relations by asking them to dinner there," added +Phyllis. "I think it's a lovely idea. We don't seem to be going to +have much money, but we _shall_ see life. I'm beginning to be quite +glad I listened to you yesterday, after all." + + * * * * * + +=An Accommodating Creature.= + + "A Respectable woman wants situation as dairymaid, laundress, or + fowl." + +_Cork Constitution_. + + * * * * * + + + +[Illustration: =THE GREAT UNCONTROLLED.= + +The Mutton. "I HEAR THEY WANT MORE OF US NOW THE MEATLESS DAYS ARE +OFF." + +The Beef. "DON'T YOU WORRY. THANKS TO THE PROFITEERS, PEOPLE CAN'T +AFFORD TO EAT US."] + + * * * * * + + + +[Illustration: THE FIRST POTATO-LEAF!] + + * * * * * + + +=THE WATCH DOGS.= + +LXI. + + My Dear CHARLES,--Have I ever, in the course of these SECRET and + CONFIDENTIAL despatches, called your lordship's attention to the + existence, the very marked existence, of our Hubert, "the little + Captain," who, being out of the battle for the moment, relies upon + argument for argument's sake to keep up his circulation? It + has been said of him that he spends his office time in writing + superior letters to his subordinates and insubordinate letters to + his superiors; but that, I think, is over harsh. In any case, as + he has now run short of grievances, and the authorities of the + B.E.F. regard him as a joke and like him best when his little + temper is hot, his fights out here have for some time lacked + reality. I fancy that he was merely in search of a _casus belli_ + when, being on leave in the U.K., he conceived the idea of a day's + extension and stepped round to the War Office to demand same as of + right. + + But the War Office, Charles, is not as other places and War + Officers are not like the common sort. Hubert, arriving in his + best fighting trim, was at once ejected by the policeman at the + door. He underestimated the importance of that official and + his office, otherwise he would not have adopted the + just-dropping-in-to-have-a-chat-with-a-friend-inside attitude. + From the constable's cold response he realised that, in tackling + the W.O. single-handed, he was attempting a big thing, whereas the + W.O., in tackling him, was not under the same disadvantage. Then + he did what was unusual with him; he paused to think before + resuming the offensive. What he wanted, he felt, was big guns. The + House of Commons caught his eye and reminded him of politicians. + He recalled a slight acquaintance with one of the more important + of these and went round to call upon him personally. It was not + his idea to obtain any such authority as would demolish all + opposition at the W.O.; he just hoped to get a personal chit, + which would act as a smoke barrage and at least cover his advance + right into the middle of the enemy defences. + + So Hubert asked for the politician in person, but only got his + secretary. This gentleman, having elicited that Hubert's train for + France left at 5 P.M., regretted that the politician would not be + visible till 6. This opposition warmed Hubert's blood; he asked + for a statement in writing. After some little discussion he got + it, since the secretary, for all his caution, could see no harm in + an unofficial note, addressed to no one in particular, and stating + merely that Hubert wanted to see the politician and the politician + was out till 6 P.M. + + The little captain is one of those who state their grievances to + themselves, when no other audience is available. During his + return journey to the W.O. mental processes of no little heat and + significance took place in his busy head, he putting up an + overwhelming case to show why his leave ought to be, and must be, + extended. The force of this case gave him such a burning sense of + justice as to carry him, this time, safely past the policeman. + + Five rows of barbed wire, two of them electrified, would be but a + poor substitute for the barriers of the W.O. Before you set foot + on the staircase you have to produce a ticket, and it is supposed + that the porter, who has the forms to be filled in, forfeits a + day's pay every time he parts with one. Hubert, gradually losing + confidence, wrote upon the form all he could think of about + himself, and handed it to the porter, who received it with + reluctance, read it with suspicion, and disappeared with a grunt. + What he did with it is not known; probably someone got into + communication with the B.E.F. to know if such a person as Hubert + existed, and, if so, why? Meanwhile Hubert had good time to + realise that no one loved him and that this was cold brutal war at + last. + + Bit by bit the porter drifted back and gave Hubert his form, now + stamped and become his ticket. The porter having finished with + him, he passed on and, after many wanderings, found the door of + the room where his sentence would be passed. Bracing himself + up and clearing his throat, he prepared to knock and enter. + Fortunately, however, his audacious intention was observed by an + official and frustrated. He was commanded to write something more + about himself in the book provided for that purpose, and to go on + waiting. Being now an expert at writing and waiting he did as he + was bid, spending the next few hours of his life remodelling his + case in less fierce and glowing terms. + + At last the door of the room persuaded itself to open and let out + a real red god, who looked upon Hubert, took an instant dislike + to him, relieved him of his ticket and went in again. During + the ensuing period of suspense the last vestige of Hubert's + personality departed from him. + + Again the door opened and another red one, even more godlike, + emerged clamouring for Hubert and his blood. Had he still been in + possession of his ticket (a necessary passport for egress) Hubert + would have fled. There was nothing for it but to confess his + identity and to hope for mercy. The god, who clearly had not more + than three and a half seconds to spare, demanded an explanation of + his presence. Hubert admitted that once, in a moment of impudent + folly, he had thought of asking for a day's extension. The god + said nothing, but a light smouldered in his eyes which intimated + to Hubert that if he did not at once produce some paramount excuse + for so monstrous a request the War would be held up and the + military machine would be concentrated on punishing Hubert. + His tongue clove to the roof of his mouth; even if it had been + available it would have helped little, for it is more than mere + words that the gods require. His hand searched in his pockets and + produced the return half of his leave warrant, a five-franc + note, a box of matches, a recently purchased paper flag and the + politician's secretary's note. The first and the last were taken, + the rest fell to the floor, the door closed once more and again + Hubert was alone. + + Hubert doesn't know what he did next; probably, he thinks, he sat + down and wept, and it was his tears that induced the gods not to + convert his ticket into a death-warrant, but instead to give him + the slip, "Leave extended one day for urgent private business." + This was clearly one of Hubert's most decisive victories. He had + his day's extension solely in order to interview the politician + at 6 P.M.; he was to interview the politician solely in order to + obtain his day's extension. But Hubert insists morbidly that his + was a moral defeat, amounting to utter suppression. He called upon + the politician at 6 P.M. to thank him personally. Again he could + get no further than the secretary, who, learning that Hubert's + train would not depart at all that day, regretted that the + politician would, on second thoughts, be out for a week. "Now if + I really _had_ triumphed," said Hubert, "I should have got the + secretary to put that also in writing, and should have stepped + round to the War Office again to demand a further week's extension + on the strength of it." This, however, he did not do. + + + Yours ever, HENRY. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: "GOOD 'EVINGS! WHERE YER GOIN'?" + +"YE KEN YON THREE HUNS I JUST BROUGHT IN? WEEL, THEY WANT TO PLAY +WHIST, AN' I'M GOING BACK TO TRY AND PICK UP A FOURRTH."] + + * * * * * + + + "Southport, December 9th.--Miss ---- presented vegetarian + literature and a box of vegetarian sausages to a Sale of Work in + connection with the United Methodist Church, High Park. The gifts + led to much thought and inquiry."--_Vegetarian Messenger_. + +In spite of a natural disinclination to look a gift sausage in the +mouth. + + * * * * * + +A CALL TO THE COW PONIES. + + They sent us from Coorong and Cooper + The pick of the Wallaby Track + To serve us as gunner and trooper, + To serve us as charger and hack; + From Budgeribar to Blanchewater + They rifled the runs of the West, + That whatever his fate in the slaughter + A man might ride home on the best. + + We dealt with the distant Dominion, + We bought in the far Argentine; + The worth of our buyers' opinion + Is proved to the hilt in the line; + The Clydes from the edge of the heather, + The Shires from the heart of the grass, + And the Punches are pulling together + The guns where the conquerors pass. + + So come with us, buckskin and sorrel, + And come with us, skewbald and bay; + Your country's girth-deep in the quarrel, + Your honour is roped to the fray; + Where flanks of your comrades are foaming + 'Neath saddle and trace-chain and band, + We look for the kings of Wyoming + To speak for the sage-brush and sand. + +W.H.O. + + * * * * * + + +=Commercial Candour.= + +From an Indian trade-circular:-- + + "All our goods are guaranteed made of the best material and equal + to none in the market." + + * * * * * + + "The approach of the storm was heralded by a magnificent display + of, for a time, almost intermittent lightning."--_Pall Mall + Gazette_. + +Followed, it may be presumed, by well-nigh interrupted peals of +thunder and nearly occasional downpours of rain. + + * * * * * + + "One always feels humiliated when one is stumped about a quite + common thing.... All you could see a little way iff was that they + were very dwarg and very thick, and the peculiar coloul baffled + us...." + + _A Country Diary in "Manchester Guardian."_ + +Stumped we may be by the above, but humiliated--never! + + * * * * * + + +=PETHERTON'S PUBLICATIONS.= + +A glance at a well-known publisher's window, during a recent visit +to London, provided me with material for a little possible quiet +amusement, and with this end in view I penned the following:-- + +DEAR MR. PETHERTON,--When up in town the other day I was surprised and +delighted to notice in Messrs. Egbert Arnwell's window two works of +yours, one on Bi-Metallism and the other on the Differential and +Integral Calculus. Nothing but the prices (really low ones for such +works) prevented my purchasing a copy of each book at once. + +I cannot resist writing to congratulate you on the publication of +these volumes, which will, I am sure, add to the instruction if not +to the gaiety of nations. Of course I knew--and have had the most +complete olfactory proofs--that you were a chemist of at least strong +views, but had no idea that your range of knowledge was so extensive +as it apparently is. + + With renewed congratulations, + Believe me, yours sincerely, + HENRY J. FORDYCE. + +By the way, what is a calculus? Could one be obtained in Surbury, or +would it be necessary to order from the Army and Navy Stores? + +This brought forth:-- + +SIR,--I greatly regret that my latest publications should have caught +your eye, and look on your congratulations as a studied insult. + +I should hardly expect a person of your (as I imagine) limited +intellect to know anything about the scientific subjects which +interest me, but I feel sure that you are perfectly aware that the +calculus is abstract and not concrete. + +Had you tried to convey sincere congratulations to me I could have +borne the infliction with resignation, but I strongly object to such +flippant impertinences as are contained in your communication. + + Faithfully yours, + FREDERICK PETHERTON. + +I felt this was a good start, and so put out more bait:-- + +DEAR PETHERTON (I wrote),--Sorry you couldn't accept my letter in the +spirit, etc. + +I've had such a priceless idea since I wrote to you last, and it is +this. I propose that we start a Literary Society in Surbury. I'm +certain the Vicar would join in. Mr. Charteris, of the Manor, too +would, I feel confident, welcome the idea. Dr. Stevenson, the only +one to whom I have broached the subject, got keen at once, and the +Gore-Langleys and others could no doubt be counted on--say a dozen +altogether, including you and myself. I append a short list of +suggested contributions, which will give some idea of the range of +subjects which might be tossed into the arena of debate:-- + +The Binomial Theorem in its relation to the Body Politic (yourself). + +Cows and their sufferings during the milk controversy in the +newspapers (Charteris. This might be published in small quarto). + +The attitude of the Manichean Heresiarch towards the use of Logarithms +(The Vicar). + +The effect of excessive Philately on the cerebral organisms of the +young (Gore-Langley). + +The introduction of the art and practice of Napery among the Dyaks of +Borneo (Miss Eva Gore-Langley). + +With a few additions I think we should have enough mental food to keep +us going through the summer; and I may add that if you were put up for +President of the Society I should certainly second the motion. + + Yours ever, + HARRY FORDYCE. + +I notice that your writing has gone to pieces rather, old man--through +writer's cramp, I fear. You say what looks like "you are perfectly +aware that the calcalus is asphalt and not concrete." Of course I do +know that much about it. + +My letter kept the ball rolling all right, for Petherton replied:--- + +SIR,--Have you no sane moments? If you have any such, I should be glad +if you would employ the next lucid interval in setting your affairs +straight and then repairing to the nearest asylum with a request that +they would protect you against yourself by placing you in a padded +cell. This done and the key lost, the world, and Surbury in +particular, would be a happier place. + +You cannot seriously suggest that any society for literary discussion +could be formed here or elsewhere which should include yourself, +and even so you must know that your being a member would prevent my +joining it. + +Has the call for National Service not reached your ears yet? You +appear to have plenty of leisure time on your hands which might be +better employed. Or have you offered yourself and been rejected on the +grounds of mental deficiency? + + Faithfully yours, + FREDERICK PETHERTON. + +I didn't feel called upon to make a song about my method of doing my +bit, which, I am glad to say, has the approval of the authorities; +but I was anxious to hear Petherton's joints crack once more, so I +wrote:-- + +DEAR FREDDY,--Your letters get better and better in style as your +writing deteriorates. I am very sorry to gather from your last that +you look coldly on my scheme. I am sure that those to whom I have +mentioned the idea would decline to entertain it if it lacked your +active support, so I trust you will reconsider the matter. + +I am thinking over your asylum stunt. It would certainly save some +expense, and if this terrible War continues much longer it will, I +fear, drive me to such a refuge; though I trust in that event that I +shall be allowed to choose pleasanter wall hangings than those you +suggest. I'm rather fond of light chintzy papers, aren't you? They're +so cheerful. + +Hoping to hear from you _re_ our little society at your earliest ("The +Surbury Literary and Scientific Society" would sound well, and would +look rather nice on our note-paper--what?)-- + + I am, yours as ever, + HARRY. + +Petherton saw red again and bellowed at me, thus:-- + +SIR,-- ---- you and your beastly society. I don't know who is the more +execrable, you or the KAISER. + + Faithfully yours, + FREDERIC PETHERTON. + +Common decency compelled me to reply, so I wrote:-- + +MY DEAR OLD BOY.--You don't know how grieved I am to hear that you +cannot entertain the scheme. + +Of course I can read between the lines, and know that your heart is in +it, and that it is only the many calls on your time which prevent your +active co-operation with me in the matter. Of course, needless to say, +your lack of support has killed what looked like being a promising +scientific bantling (through stress of emotion I nearly wrote +"bantam," which brings me to the subject of poultry. How are yours? I +forgot to ask before). + +I hope the question of the S.L. & S.S. will now be dropped; it is too +painful. If you insist on continuing the discussion I shall decline to +answer the letter, so there! + + Yours, + H. + +But Petherton refused to be drawn. + + * * * * * + +From a Church appeal:-- + + "A recent collection revealed that, of 179 coins put in the plate, + 176 were coppers, whilst not more than 15 people could have + contributed anything above one shilling." + +The person who took the twelve silver coins by mistake will, we hope, +return them next Sunday. + + * * * * * + + +=THE SHERWOOD FORESTERS.= + + Deep in the greenwood year by year + Bold ROBIN HOOD, a knightly ghost, + Has eased the purse that bulged the most + And stalked the wraiths of Rufford deer; + + And, as the centuries speed away, + Has seen his oak and birk-land shrink, + Where teeming cities on its brink + Crowd in on Sherwood of to-day. + + But still each year the outlaw-king, + By Normanton and Perlethorpe spire, + Has watched the beeches' emerald fire + Flare upward in the leaping spring; + + Each heather-time has found his own + Eyrie of rest where Higger Tor + Shimmers in purple as before + KING COEUR-DE-LION held his throne. + + And Foresters away "out there," + Sons of his sons, have surely seen + A figure clad in Lincoln green + Glide by them swiftly, thin as air; + + And, yarning in the creepy dark, + Have told of arrows, cloth-yard long, + Whistling before them clean and strong, + Of Huns that got them, pierced and stark; + + How when their line is making good, + In charge or trench, as Sherwoods can, + Soft-footed, ever in the van, + Stalks the bold ghost of ROBIN HOOD. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Mrs. Jones_ (_suspiciously, to Jones, who is kept on +strict rations_). "SOMEBODY HAS EATEN FIDO'S DINNER."] + + * * * * * + +=THE SECRETS OF HEROISM.= + +"Don't talk about heroism," said Sergeant William Bingley, "until you +know what it is--and isn't. + +"There were two men in my platoon over there that I'd match against +any other two in the British, Allied, or Enemy armies for the biggest +funks on earth; two boys from the same town, as unlike as cross-bred +puppies, but cowards to the ankles. + +"They were the only two that didn't volunteer for a listening picket +one night, and I felt so ashamed of them that I decided to mention it. + +"'You nickel-plated, glass-lined table-ornament,' I said to Ruggles +when I found him alone, 'aren't you ashamed to form a rear rank alone +with Jenks every time you're asked to do anything?' + +"I knew they hated each other, and I thought I'd draw him, but he +hadn't a word for himself. + +"'Tell me what you joined for,' I said more persuasively, for he had +been in the Army over a year. 'You're the only man in the company, +bar your friend Jenks, that turns white at the pop of a cork out of a +Worcester sauce bottle.' + +"He stroked the bit of hair behind his right ear and let slip a grin +like the London and Country mail slots at the G.P.O. + +"'I'll tell you, Sergeant,' he said. 'I never had much heart for +soldiering, and I only joined up when I did to spite the girl that +jilted me. She jilted me for Jenks, and no sooner did she say the word +to him than she talked him into enlisting too.... That's why I'm no +good. Every time I remember I'm a soldier I think of her laughing at +me, and I feel a fool.' + +"'Well,' said I, 'she must be proud of you both, for you're the +weariest, wonkiest pair of wash-outs I ever swore at.' + +"I didn't send for Jenks; I could guess his excuse. He had obviously +about as much spirit for fighting as Ruggles, and he was just hanging +on and trying not to get hurt before the War stopped. + +"We had a few weeks out of the trenches after my chat with Ruggles, +and one afternoon I came upon them enjoying a hearty, homely, +ten-round hit, kick, and scramble in a quiet corner near their billet. +They looked as if they meant it, but they finished up in about ten +minutes, hugging each other in six inches of mud. Ruggles got up +first, and while he waited for Jenks he turned on his Little Tich +smile. It worked; Jenks smiled too, and the rivals went off together +like brothers. + +"I said nothing, and forgot them again--clean forgot them, until, +a week later, Jenks came to me in Number Seven with a yarn about a +crater and a sniper, and might he go and perforate him. + +"I had noticed the sniper myself, so I sent Jenks to chase a broom and +picked my own men for this job that mattered. I'd no sooner done it +than Ruggles marched up and asked to be made one of the party. + +"I just stared at him, and his grin stretched half an inch each way. + +"'I saw Jenks asking you,' he told me, 'and I won't be behind Jenks. +Besides, it was me told him of the sniper.' + +"'It's a change for you two to be worrying over snipers,' I said. + +"'Well, you're not grumbling at that, are you, Sergeant?' said he. + +"'I am not,' I said. 'And I hope you'll keep it up until we're +relieved.' + +"'You watch us,' he answered. + +"I did. It was Ruggles that put his bayonet into the machine-gunner +that had knocked out half the company. He took the last two bullets in +his arm and side; and it was Jenks that put himself between Ruggles' +head and the revolver that would have made pulp of it if Jenks hadn't +got the hand that held it. He took the bullet in his cheek. + +"I saw them in the dressing-station when the shouting was over. +Ruggles was laughing at what Jenks's face would look like when it was +out of bandages. The bullet had taken away about a third of an ear. +Jenks was cursing because it hurt to laugh back. + +"'Never mind,' I said to him with a wink at Ruggles, 'I warrant +there's some little girl who won't laugh at you when you get back +home. She has more to be proud of now than your face.' + +"'Then you're wrong, Sergeant,' he answered quietly. 'She's changed +her mind. She's _his_ girl now.' + +"I looked at Ruggles. He wouldn't catch my eye, but a blush was +working round towards his neck. + +"'And I've changed my mind too,' said Jenks. 'D'you think I'd have +taken those risks I took to-day if there was a girl at home worrying +over every casualty list? A man's a fool to risk breaking a heart to +try to get a medal.' + +"'Ay, that's the way you look at it,' said Ruggles, as red as +beetroot. 'But I bet the Sergeant's glad she's changed her mind. I +never knew your equal for a clammy coward, Jim, before she chucked you +up.' + +"Jenks began to look black. 'There were two of us, anyway,' he said. + +"'P'r'aps there were,' Ruggles agreed cheerily. 'But what's the good +of making a show of your soldiering unless there's someone at home +looking on and caring?'" + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: =INTENSIVE CULTURE FOR FLAT-DWELLERS.= SOWING EARLY +MUSTARD AND CRESS ON WINTER UNDERCLOTHING.] + + * * * * * + + + "The National War Savings Committee is issuing a two-penny cookery + book, giving a host of simple remedies for economical dishes." + _Birmingham Daily Mail_. + +Some of them do upset the internal economy, no doubt. + + * * * * * + + "St. Quentin Canal, in spite of the damage reported to have been + done to it by the Germans, will probably still be an important + military obstacle. It is, for instance, when full of water, over + eight feet deep." _Daily News_. + +When full of beer it becomes absolutely impassable. + + * * * * * + +Extract from a regimental notice:-- + + "I am glad to inform you that a Special Order ... guarantees + your admission to this Regiment on your release from the Postal + Service.... If attested and passed into Class A for Service, you + should apply to your Recruiting Officer, who will post you and + forward you here on an A.F. B. 216." + +An appropriate and convenient arrangement. + + * * * * * + + + +[Illustration: =ERIN TAKES A TURN AT HER OWN HARP.= + +WITH MR. PUNCH'S SINCERE GOOD WISHES FOR THE SUCCESS OF THE IRISH +CONVENTION.] + + * * * * * + + +[Illustration: IN HAPPY DAYS TO COME. + +_Non-Politician_ (_in remote country-house, to wife on her midnight +return from county town_). + +"MABEL, YOU'VE BEEN VOTING."] + + * * * * * + + +=ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT.= + +_Monday, May 21st_.--Mr. MACCALLUM SCOTT complained that a question +of his relating to the prohibition of "dropped scones"--which Captain +BATHURST, that encyclopaedia of food-lore, described as falling "under +the same category as the crumpet"--had been addressed to the Ministry +of Munitions instead of the Ministry of Food. It was really a venial +error on the part of the Clerk at the Table, for the modern scone +distinctly suggests a missile of offence, and is much more like a +"crump" than a crumpet. If HINDENBURG were acquainted with our London +tea-shops (_consule_ DEVONPORT) he would never have imagined that his +famous phrase about "biting upon granite" would have any terrors for +the British recruit. + +When the PRIME MINISTER read from his manuscripts the proposed +conditions of the Irish Convention--how it must include +representatives not only of political parties, but of Churches, trade +unions, commercial and educational interests, and of _Sinn Fein_ +itself; and must be prepared to consider every variety of proposal +that might be brought before it--an Irish colleague whispered to me, +"Sure, the Millennium will be over before we get it." + +Nothing could have been handsomer than Mr. REDMOND'S welcome to the +proposal. All he was concerned for, I gathered, was that his Unionist +opponents should be generously represented. Ulster, in the person of +Sir JOHN LONSDALE, made no corresponding advance. He would submit +the proposal to his constituents, but not apparently with letters +commendatory. + +I daresay Mr. WILLIAM O'BRIEN set out with the honest intention of +blessing the Government plan, of which indeed he claims to be the +"onlie begetter." But the sound of his own voice--in its higher +tones painfully provocative--stimulated him to proceed to a dramatic +indictment of his former colleagues. I felt sorry for the prospective +Chairman, charged with the task of attempting to reconcile these +opposites. + +Mr. HEALY, cowering beneath the shelter of his ample hat, as Mr. +O'BRIEN'S arms waved windmill-like above him, must have felt like +_Sancho Panza_ when the _Don_ was in an extra fitful mood; but he kept +silence even from good words. + +The briefest and most helpful speech of the afternoon came from Sir +EDWARD CARSON, who, while declaring that he would never desert Ulster, +nevertheless made it plain that Ulster on this occasion should take +her place beside the rest of Ireland. Only Mr. GINNELL remained +obdurate. In his ears the Convention sounds "the funeral dirge of the +Home Rule Act." + +[Illustration: PESSIMIST'S DESIGN FOR COSTUME OF CHAIRMAN OF IRISH +CONVENTION.] + +_Tuesday, May 22_.--If you should happen to see of a Sabbath morning +a stream of official motor-cars leaving London with freights of the +brave and the fair you may be sure they are going on some National +business. Both the War Office and the Admiralty keep log-books, in +which are faithfully entered--I quote Dr. MACNAMARA--"full particulars +of each journey, the number and description of passengers carried and +the amount of petrol consumed." Do not therefore jump to the hasty +and erroneous conclusion that the gallant fellows and their charming +companions are "joy-riding;" such a thing is unknown in Government +circles. + +The HOME SECRETARY moved the second reading of the Representation of +the People Bill with a suavity befitting a CAVE of Harmony; and by +the clearness of his exposition very nearly enabled the House to +understand the mysteries of proportional representation, though even +now I should not like to have to describe off-hand the exact working +of "the single transferable vote." + +The opponents of the Bill were well-advised in selecting Colonel +SANDERS as their champion. With his jolly round face, bronzed by the +suns of Palestine, he looks the typical agriculturalist. He may, as +he says, have forgotten in the trenches all the old tricks of the +orator's trade, but he has learned some useful new ones, and while +delighting the House with his sporting metaphors struck some shrewd +blows at a measure which he regards as unfair and inopportune. + +For almost the first time since the War Lord HUGH CECIL was discovered +in quite his best form. The House rippled with delight at his refusal +to be forcibly fed with a peptonized concoction, prepared by the +SPEAKER'S Conference in the belief that the Mother of Parliaments was +too old and toothless to chew her own victuals. "This Bill is Benger's +Food, and you, Sir, and your Committee are Bengers." + +The SOLICITOR-GENERAL'S solid and solemn arguments in favour of the +Bill fell a little flat after this sparkling attack. He should have +said, "The noble Lord reminds me, not for the first time, of GILBERT'S +'Precocious Infant,' who + + 'Turned up his nose at his excellent pap-- + "My friends, it's a tap + Dat is not worf a rap." + (Now this was remarkably excellent pap).'" + +_Wednesday, May 23rd_--The Russian officers who adorned the +Distinguished Strangers' Gallery this afternoon must be a little +puzzled by the vagaries of British politics. They had been informed, +no doubt, that the most urgent problem of the day was caused by the +desire of one of the British Isles to manage its own affairs. Yet the +first thing they heard at Westminster was the petition of another of +these Isles--that of Man--begging release from the burden of Home Rule +and demanding representation in the Imperial Parliament. Perhaps this +little incident will help our visitors to appreciate why Englishmen +do not invariably form a just judgment of events in other +countries--Russia, for instance. + + * * * * * + + +[Illustration: _Our Win-the-War Garden Suburb Enthusiast_ (_as the +storm bursts_). "MADAM! MADAM! WILL YOU KINDLY PUT DOWN YOUR UMBRELLA? +IT'S KEEPING THE RAIN OFF MY ALLOTMENT."] + + * * * * * + +=SONGS OF FOOD PRODUCTION.= + +V. + + _Oh, for grapes a-growing + In Ludgate and the Fleet! + Cauliflowers blowing + Down Regent's Street! + Oranges and Lemons + Clustered by St. Clemen's, + And Sea Kale careering past the kerb on London Wall! + And oh, for private Mushroom beds rolling down the Mall!_ + + Motor engines, motor engines, do not wear a bonnet! + You have artificial heat--grow something on it! + Precious artificial heat, costly to instal; + Turn it into a hot-bed, growing food for all! + + _Must_ you have a superstructure? Let it be a hot-house + Forcing (say) some early peas--the only decent pot-house; + Oh, if I could only see in walking down the street + No unpatriotic waste of all that lovely heat! + + _Motor lorries for Marrows! + Taxis for Nectarines! + No more coster-barrows, + But lemon-house Limousines! + Oh, to see Tomaties + Skidding by Frascati's! + Grand heads of Celery passing the Carlton Grill, + And fine forced Strawberries--forced up Denmark Hill!_ + + Hard's the fight with Nature in our uncongenial climate, + Cuddling plants and coaxing 'em, and oh, the weary time it + Takes to get a slender crop--we toil the Summer through; + England, needing quick returns, is looking now to you! + + Food that comes from tropic lands, needing heat upon it, + You could grow without a thought, if you'd doff your bonnet; + Thousands of you, growing food on your daily trips, + Helping to economise the tonnage of our ships. + + _Oh, to count the numbers + Of Cabbages on the march, + Jostling with Cucumbers + Just at the Marble Arch! + Oh, for Piccadilly's + Capsicums and Chilies! + Oh, for Peckham's Peaches (not the sort that's canned), + And oh, for ripe Bananas roaring down the Strand!_ + + * * * * * + + "A reaper and binder was destroyed, also a foster mother incubator + with 43 young children."--_Chester Chronicle_. + +The paragraph is headed "Fire at a Farm"--a baby-farm, we fear. + + * * * * * + + +=IN A GOOD CAUSE.= + +On Sunday, June 10th, Mr. GEORGE ROBEY is to give a Concert, at 7 +P.M., at the Palladium, in aid of the Metropolitan and City Police +Orphanage, which is in special need of funds on account of the losses +sustained at the Front among members of the Police Force. + +Mr. GEORGE ROBEY will be assisted by Miss IRENE VANBRUGH, Miss HELEN +MAR, Mr. JOHN HASSALL, Mr. HARRY DEARTH and others, as well as by +the Royal Artillery String Band, the Canadian Military Choir and the +Metropolitan Police Minstrels. + +Tickets are on sale at the National Sunday League Offices, 34, Red +Lion Square, W.C., and applications for boxes will be received +personally by Mr. ROBEY at the Hippodrome. + + * * * * * + +=The Domestic Problem--Two Extremes.= + + "WANTED, Housemaid and Kitchenmaid; Paying Guests." + + "SCULLERY or Between Maid required immediately for Derbyshire; + wages L218." + + _Morning Post_. + + * * * * * + + "On Wednesday evening a fire broke out in Mr. J. Elkin's scutch + mill at Kilmore, near Omagh, which resulted in the complete + destruction of the premises. It is surmised in the absence of + anything which would indicate the origin of the outbreak that it + resulted from a heated journal."--_Belfast News Letter_. + +An unusual quantity of inflammatory matter has been observed recently +in the Irish Press. + + * * * * * + + +[Illustration: _Past_. THE ARTIST AND THE VILLAGE MAID. + +_Present_. THE VILLAGE MAID AND THE ARTIST.] + + * * * * * + +=HEART-TO-HEART TALKS.= + +(_Marshal VON HINDENBURG; a Telephone_.) + +_The Telephone_. RR-RR-RR-RR. + +_The Marshal_. Curse the infernal telephone! A man doesn't get a +moment's peace. Tush, what am I talking about? Who wants peace? If we +were all to be quite candid there might be-- + +_The Telephone_. Rr-rr. + +_The Marshal_. All right, all right, I'm coming. Yes, I'm Marshal VON +HINDENBURG. Who are you? What? I can't hear a single word. You really +must speak up. Louder--louder still, you fool. What? Oh, I really +beg your Majesty's pardon. I assure you it was impossible to hear +distinctly, but it's all right now. I thank your Majesty, I am in my +usual good health. Yes. No, not at all. Yes, I have good hope that we +shall now maintain ourselves for at least two days. Yes, if we are +forced to retire we must say it is according to plan. No, I don't like +it either, but what is to be done? Their guns are more numerous and +heavier than ours, and weight of metal must tell. Will I hold the +line? Yes, certainly, till your Majesty returns and graciously resumes +the conversation. Oh, you didn't mean that line? You meant the +Siegfried line, or the Wotan line, or the Hindenburg line? Yes, I see, +it was a _Witz_, a play of words. Yes, I am sorry I could not at once +see what your Majesty was driving at, but now I see it is good. I must +practise my joking. Ha-ha-ha! Are you there? No, he's gone (_rings +off_). (_To himself_) He is a queer Emperor who is able to make jokes +while his soldiers are dying by thousands and thousands. It can't last +like this--and as for the Hindenburg line, I'm perfectly tired to +death of the words; and the thing itself doesn't exist. + +_The Telephone_. Rr-rr-rr-rr. + +_The Marshal_. What, again? This is too much--who are you? Who? WHO? +General VON KLUCK? Impossible. General VON KLUCK's dead. What--not +dead? Anyhow, nobody's heard of him for months. If you're really +General VON KLUCK I'm afraid we must consider you to be dead. The +EMPEROR won't regard it as very good taste on your part to come to +life again like this. He's very unforgiving, you know. You don't care? +But, my dear dead General VON KLUCK, you must care. What is it you say +you wanted to do? Congratulate me? What on? My splendid defence of the +Hindenburg line? Now, look here. As one German General to another do +you mean to tell me you believe in the Hindenburg line? No, of course +you don't. You thought I believed in it? Was that what you said? Come, +don't wriggle, though you are a dead man. Yes, that was what you said. +Well, then understand henceforth that there is no Hindenburg line +and there never was anything of the sort. Why am I retreating then? +Because I must. That's the whole secret. Why did _you_ retreat after +your famous oblique march during the Battle of the Marne? Because you +had to, of course. There--that's enough. I can't waste any more time. +What? Oh, yes, you can congratulate me on anything you like except +that. And now you had better return to the grave of your reputation +and remain there (_rings off_). + +_The Telephone_. Rr-rr-rr-rr. + +_The Marshal_. To h-ll with the telephone! Who is it now? What--an +editor of a newspaper? That's a little bit too thick. What is it +you want? To thank God for that masterpiece of bold cunning, the +Hindenburg line? Is that what you want? Well, make haste, for the +masterpiece doesn't exist. No, I'm not joking. I can't joke. Enough +(_rings off_). + + * * * * * + + +[Illustration: _Nervous Recruit_ (_on guard for the first time_). +"HALT, FRIEND! WHO GOES THERE?"] + + * * * * * + +=THE HOUSE-MASTER.= + + Four years I spent beneath his rule, + For three of which askance I scanned him, + And only after leaving school + Came thoroughly to understand him; + For he was brusque in various ways + That jarred upon the modern mother, + And scouted as a silly craze + The theory of the "elder brother." + + Renowned at Cambridge as an oar + And quite distinguished as a wrangler, + He felt incomparably more + Pride in his exploits as an angler; + He held his fishing on the Test + Above the riches of the Speyers, + And there he lured me, as his guest, + Into the ranks of the "dry-flyers." + + He made no fetish of the cane + As owning any special virtue, + But held the discipline of pain, + When rightly earned, would never hurt you; + With lapses of the normal brand + I think he dealt most mercifully, + But chastened with a heavy hand + The sneak, the liar and the bully. + + We used to criticise his boots, + His simple tastes in food and fiction, + His everlasting homespun suits, + His leisurely old-fashioned diction; + And yet we had the saving _nous_ + To recognise no worse disaster + Could possibly befall the House + Than the removal of its Master. + + For though his voice was deep and gruff, + And rumbled like a motor-lorry, + He showed the true angelic stuff + If any one was sick or sorry; + So when pneumonia, doubly dread, + Of breath had nearly quite bereft me, + He watched three nights beside my bed + Until the burning fever left me. + + He served three Heads with equal zeal + And equal absence of ambition; + He knew his power, and did not feel + The least desire for recognition; + But shrewd observers, who could trace + Back to their source results far-reaching, + Saw the true Genius of the Place + Embodied in his life and teaching. + + The War's deep waters o'er him rolled + As he beheld Young England giving + Life prodigally, while the old + Lived on without the cause for living; + And yet he never heaved a sigh + Although his heart was inly riven; + He only craved one boon--to die + In harness, and the boon was given. + + * * * * * + +=Vicarious Parenthood.= + + "DABRERA.--Yesterday, at 6.55 a.m. 'Shernery,' Bambalapitiya, + to Mr. and Mrs. Ossy Dabrera a daughter. Grand parents doing + well."--_Ceylon Independent_. + + * * * * * + + "Mr. J.H. Minns (Carlisle) charged the brewers of his city with + allowing their tenants to be placed under the heel of the Control + Board.... It was the cloven hoof of the unseen hand that the trade + had to face in Carlisle."--_Derby Daily Express_. + +Mr. MINNS must cheer up. The Trade has only to wait for + + "That auspicious day when the velvet glove will be stripped for + ever from the cloven hoof of the German Eagle."--_London Opinion_. + + * * * * * + + "The fact that a few girls earn abnormal wages has obscured in the + public mind the the Board to accept the gift a Bill is to be + age girl working 48 hours a week earned only 18s. or 19s. a + week."--_Daily Paper_. + +This statement should go far to clear up the obscurity in the public +mind. + + * * * * * + + "Mr. ---- gave one of his popular lectures on 'Alcohol' and its + effects on March the 30th in the Wesleyan school."--_True Blue + Magazine_. + +What exactly did happen on March 30th in the Wesleyan school? + + * * * * * + + "WANTED, Smart Workman, aged 80, and exempt from military + service, as handy man; must be steady; a job for life for careful + man."--_Cambria Daily Leader_. + +He must be particularly careful to guard against premature decease. + + * * * * * + + +[Illustration: _Waitress_. "WE HAVE A VERY REALISTIC MOCK-POTATO +SOUP."] + + * * * * * + +=EMILY'S MISSION.= + +It was all through Emily that I am to-day the man I am. + +We were extraordinarily lucky to get her; there was no doubt about +that. Her testimonials or character or references or whatever it is +that they come to you with were just the last word. Even the head of +the registry-office, a frigid thin-lipped lady of some fifty winters, +with an unemotional cold-mutton eye, was betrayed, in speaking of +Emily, into a momentary lapse from the studied English of her normal +vocabulary. + +"Madam," she said to my wife, "I have known many housemaids, but never +one like this. She is, I assure you, Madam, absolutely IT." + +So we engaged her; and ere long I came to hate her with a hatred such +as I trust I shall never again cherish for any human being. + +In almost every respect she proved perfection. She was honest, she +was quick, she was clean; she loved darning my socks and ironing my +handkerchiefs; she never sulked, she never smashed, her hair never +wisped (a thing I loathe in housemaids). In one point only she failed, +failed more completely than any servant I have ever known. She would +not make my shaving-water really hot. + +Cursed by nature with an iron-filings beard and a delicate tender +skin, I was a man for whom it was impossible to shave with comfort in +anything but absolutely boiling water. Yet morning after morning I +sprang from my bed to find the contents of my jug just a little over +or under the tepid mark. There was no question of re-heating the +water on the gas stove, for I never allowed myself more than the very +minimum of time for dressing, swallowing my breakfast and catching my +train. It was torture. + +I spoke to Emily about it, mildly at first, more forcibly as the weeks +wore on, passionately at last. She apologised, she sighed, she wrung +her hands. Once she wept--shed hot scalding tears, tears I could +gladly have shaved in had they fallen half-an-hour earlier. But it +made no difference; next morning my water was as chill as ever. +I could not understand it. Every day my wrath grew blacker, my +reproaches more vehement. + +Finally an hour came when I said to my wife, "One of two things must +happen. Either that girl goes or I grow a beard." + +Mildred shook her head. "We can't possibly part with her. We should +never get another servant like her." + +"Very well," I said. + +On the morrow I started for my annual holiday, alone. It was late +summer. I journeyed into the wilds of Wiltshire. I took two rooms in +an isolated cottage, and on the first night of my stay, before getting +into bed, I threw my looking-glass out of the window. Next morning +I began. Day by day I tramped the surrounding country, avoiding all +intercourse with humanity, and day by day my beard grew. + +I could feel it growing, and the first scrubbiness of it filled me +with rage. But as time slipped by it became softer and more pliable, +and ceased to irritate me. Freed, too, from the agony of shaving, I +soon found myself eating my breakfast in a more equable frame of mind +than I had enjoyed for years. I began also to notice in my walks all +sorts of things that had not struck me at first--the lark a-twitter +in the blue, the good smell of wet earth after rain, the pale gold of +ripening wheat. And at last, before ever I saw it, very gradually I +came to love my beard, to love the warm comfort and cosiness of it, +and to wonder half timidly what it looked like. + +When I left, just before my departure for the six-miles-distant +station, I called for a looking-glass. They brought me a piece of the +one I had cast away. It was very small, but it served my purpose. I +gazed and heaved a sigh of rapturous content; a sigh that came from my +very heart. My beard was short and thick, its colour a deep glorious +brown, with golden lights here and there where the sunbeams danced in +some lighter cluster of its curling strands. A beard that a king might +wear. + +I have never shaved again. Every morning now, while untold millions +of my suffering fellows are groaning beneath their razors, I steal an +extra fifteen minutes from the day and lie and laugh inside my beard. + +"And what of Emily?" you ask. + +Almost immediately after my return she left us. She gave no reason. +She was not unhappy, she said. She wished to make a change, that was +all. To this day my wife cannot account for her departure. But I know +why she went. Emily was a patriot with a purpose. A month after she +parted from us I received a letter from her:-- + +"Dear Sir,--May I ask you to take into consideration the fact that +by having ceased to shave you will in future be effecting a slight +economy in your daily expenditure? Might I also suggest to you +that during the remainder of the War you should make a voluntary +contribution to the national exchequer of every shilling saved under +this head? The total sum will not be large, but everything counts. +Yours is, if I may be allowed to say so, the finest beard I have been +instrumental in producing during my two and a half years' experience +in domestic service. I am now hard at work on my sixth case, which is +approaching its crisis. + +Apologising for any temporary inconvenience I may have caused you, I +am, + +Yours faithfully, EMILY JOHNSON, + + _Foundress and President of the + Housemaids' Society for the + Promotion of Patriotic Beards._" + +I never showed the letter to my wife, but I have acted on Emily's +suggestion. I often think of her still, her whole soul afire with her +patriotic mission, flitting, the very flower of housemaids, from home +to home, lingering but a little while in each, in each content for +that little while to be loathed and stormed at by an exasperated +shaver, whom she transforms into a happy bearded contributor to her +fund. + + * * * * * + + +=Another Impending Apology.= + + "This terrible fire roused hundreds of people from their beds, + and a great crowd gathered in the adjoining streets; but + Sub-divisional Inspector Stock and Inspector Ping were on the spot + within a few months after receiving the call."--_Westminster and + Pimlico News_. + + * * * * * + + +[Illustration: _Cowman_ (_to new recruit, Women's Land Army_). "YOU +GET BEHIND THAT THERE WATER-BUTT. MEBBE COWS WON'T COME IN IF THEY SEE +YOU IN THAT THERE RIG."] + + * * * * * + +=THE FIFTEEN TRIDGES.= + +Once upon a time there was a flourishing covey of fifteen: Pa Tridge, +Ma Tridge, and thirteen little Tridges, all brown and speckled and +very chirpy. They had been born in a hollow under some big leaves +beside a hedge, and they now moved about the earth, pushing their way +through the grass, all keeping close together when they could, and +setting up no end of a piping when they couldn't and thought they were +lost. + +It was a large family from our point of view, and larger perhaps than +a prudent French partridge would approve, but the world is wide, and +there are no butcher's or baker's or tailor's or dress-maker's bills +to pay for little birds. All that a Pa and Ma Tridge have to do after +fledging is complete is to look out for cats and hawks and foxes, to +beware of the feet of clumsy cattle, and to administer correction and +advice. Above all there are no school bills, made so doubly ridiculous +among ourselves by German measles and other epidemics during which +no learning is imparted, but for which, educationalists being a wily +crew, no rebate is offered. + +There being so little to be done for their young, it is no wonder, in +a didactic and over-articulate world, that parent Tridges take almost +too kindly to sententiousness; and young Tridges, being so numerous as +to constitute a public meeting in themselves, are specially liable to +admonishment. + +It was therefore that, strolling aimlessly amid the herbage or the +young wheat with their audience all about them, Pa and Ma Tridge got +into a habit of counsel which threatened to become so chronic that +there was a danger of its dulling their sensibility to the approach of +September the first. + +"Never," Pa Tridge would say, "criticise anyone or anything on +hearsay. See for yourself and then make up your own mind; but don't +hurry to put it into words." + +"Tell the truth as often as possible," Pa Tridge would say. "It is +not only better citizenship to do so, but it makes things easier for +yourself in the long run." + +"Always bear in mind," Ma Tridge would say, "that after one has +married one's cook she ceases to cook." + +"Never tell anyone," Pa Tridge would say, "who it was you saw in the +spinney with Mr. Jay or Mrs. Woodpecker." + +"Indeed," he would add, "you might make a note that the world would +not come to a miserable end if everyone was born dumb"--but he was +very glad not to be dumb himself. + +"Even though you should get on intimate terms with a pheasant," Ma +Tridge would say, "don't brag about it." + +"Forgive, but don't forget," Pa Tridge would say. + +"Remember," Pa Tridge would say, "that, though it may be wiser to say +No, most of the fun and all the adventure of the world have come from +saying Yes." + +"Bear in mind," Ma Tridge would say--but that is more than enough of +the tiresome old bores. + +And after each piece of advice the little Tridges would all say, +"Right-O!" + +And then one night--these being English Tridges in an English early +summer--a terrible frost set in which lasted long enough to kill the +whole covey, partly by cold and partly by starvation, so that all the +good counsels were wasted. + +But on the chance that one or two of them may be applicable to human +life I have jotted them down here. One never knows which is grain and +which chaff until afterwards. + + * * * * * + + +=OUR BOOKING-OFFICE.= + +(_By Mr. Punch's Staff of Learned Clerks_.) + +We have had many studies of the War, in various aspects, from our +own army. Now in _My .75_ (HEINEMANN) there comes a record of the +impressions of a French gunner during the first year of fighting. It +is a book of which I should find it difficult to speak too highly. +PAUL LINTIER, the writer, had, it is clear, a gift for recording +things seen with quite unusual sharpness of effect. His word-pictures +of the mobilisation, the departure for the Front, and the fighting +from the Marne to the Aisne (where he was wounded and sent home) carry +one along with a suspense and interest and quite personal emotion that +are a tribute to their artistry. His death (the short preface tells us +that, having returned to the Front, he was killed in action in March, +1916) has certainly robbed France of one who should have made a +notable figure in her literature. The style, very distinctive, shows +poetic feeling and a rare and beautiful tenderness of thought, mingled +with an acceptance of the brutality of life and war that is seen in +the vivid descriptions of incidents that our own gentler writers would +have left untold. The horror of some of these passages makes the book +(I should warn you) not one for shaken nerves. But there can be no +question of its very unusual interest, nor of the skill with which its +translator, who should surely be acknowledged upon the title-page, has +preserved the vitality and appeal of the original. + + +[Illustration: _Tommy_ (_who has made a find in a German dug-out_). +"_NOW_, ALBERT, AREN'T YOU GLAD YOU CAME? WHY, THESE CIGARS IN LONDON +WOULD COST YOU CLOSE ON A TANNER APIECE."] + + * * * * * + +The author of _Helen of Four Gates_ (JENKINS) has chosen to hide her +identity and call herself simply "An Ex-Mill Girl." I am sufficiently +sorry for this to hope that, if the story meets with the success that +I should certainly predict for it, a lady of such unusual gifts may +allow us to know her name. Of these gifts I have no doubt whatever. As +a tale _Helen of Four Gates_ is crude, unnatural, melodramatic; but +the power (brutality, if you prefer) of its telling takes away the +critical breath. Whether in real life anyone could have nursed a +lifelong hatred as old _Mason_ did (personally I cherish the belief +that hatred is too evanescent an emotion for a life-tenancy of the +human mind; but I may be wrong); whether he would have bribed a casual +tramp to marry and torment the reputed daughter who was the object of +his loathing, or whether _Day_ and _Helen_ herself would actually so +have played into his hands, are all rather questionable problems. +Far more real, human and moving is the wild passion of _Helen_ for +_Martin_, whom (again questionably as to truth) her enemies frighten +away from her. A grim story, you begin to observe, but one altogether +worth reading. To compare things small (as yet) with great, I might +call it a lineal descendant of _Wuthering Heights_, both in setting +and treatment. There is indeed more than a hint of the BRONTE touch +about the Ex-Mill Girl. For that and other things I send her (whoever +she is) my felicitations and good wishes. + + * * * * * + +I wonder if Mr. (or Mrs. or Miss) E.K. WEEKES would understand me if I +put my verdict upon _The Massareen Affair_ (ARNOLD) into the form of +a suggestion that in future its author would be well advised to keep +quiet. Not with any meaning that he or she should desist from the +pursuit of fiction; on the contrary, there are aspects of _The +Massareen Affair_ that are more than promising--vigorous and +unconventional characters, a gift of lively talk, and so on. But all +this only operates so long as the tale remains in the calm waters of +the ordinary; later, when it puts forth upon the sea of melodrama, I +am sorry to record that this promising vessel comes as near shipwreck +as makes no difference. To drop metaphor, the group of persons +surrounding the unhappily-wedded _Anthony Massareen_--_Claudia_, who +attempts to rescue him and his two boys, the boys themselves, and the +clerical family whose fortunes are affected by their proximity to +the _Massareens_--all these are well and credibly drawn. But when +we arrive at the fanatic wife of _Anthony_, in her Welsh castle, +surrounded by rocks and blow-holes, and finally to that last great +scene, where (if I followed events accurately) she trusses her +ex-husband like a fowl, and trundles him in a wheel-barrow to the pyre +of sacrifice, not the best will in the world could keep me convinced +or even decorously thrilled. So I will content myself with repeating +my advice to a clever writer in future to ride imagination on the +curb, and leave you to endorse this or not as taste suggests. + + * * * * * + +I am seriously thinking of chaining _Grand Fleet Days_ (HODDER AND +STOUGHTON) to my bookcase, for it is written by the author of _In +the Northern Mists_, a book which has destroyed the morality of my +friends. Be assured that I am not formulating any grave charge against +the anonymous Chaplain of the Fleet who has provided us with these +two delightful volumes; I merely wish to say that nothing can prevent +people from purloining the first, and that drastic measures will have +to be taken if I am to retain the second. In these dialogues and +sketches I do not find quite so much spontaneity as in the first +volume; once or twice it is even possible to imagine that the author, +after taking pen in hand, was a little perplexed to find a subject to +write about. But that is the beginning and the end of my complaint. +Once again we have a broad-minded humour and the revelation of a most +attractive personality. Above all we see our Grand Fleet as it is; +and, if the grumblers would only read and soundly digest what our +Chaplain has to say their question would be, "What is our Navy _not_ +doing?" + + * * * * * + + "The sight was wonderful. From the grand lodge entrance to the + lake-side quite 3,000 blue-breeched khaki-coated men and nurses + lined one side of the long drive."--_Manchester Evening News_. + +It must indeed have been a wonderful sight. Nevertheless we hope that +nurses generally will stick to their traditional uniform. + + * * * * * + + + + + + +End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. +152, May 30, 1917, by Various + +*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH, OR THE LONDON *** + +***** This file should be named 17634.txt or 17634.zip ***** +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: + http://www.gutenberg.org/1/7/6/3/17634/ + +Produced by Jonathan Ingram, Lesley Halamek and the Online +Distributed Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net + + +Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions +will be renamed. + +Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no +one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation +(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without +permission and without paying copyright royalties. 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