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diff --git a/17629-h/17629-h.htm b/17629-h/17629-h.htm new file mode 100644 index 0000000..68e3500 --- /dev/null +++ b/17629-h/17629-h.htm @@ -0,0 +1,2819 @@ +<!DOCTYPE html PUBLIC "-//W3C//DTD XHTML 1.0 Transitional//EN" + "http://www.w3.org/TR/xhtml1/DTD/xhtml1-transitional.dtd"> + + <html xmlns="http://www.w3.org/1999/xhtml"> + <head> + <meta name="generator" content="HTML Tidy, see www.w3.org" /> + <meta http-equiv="Content-Type" + content="text/html; charset=ISO-8859-1" /> +<title>The Project Gutenberg eBook of Punch, June 20th, 1917.</title> + +<style type="text/css"> + +body { + margin-left: 10%; margin-right: 10%; +} +p { + text-align: justify; +} +p.center { + text-align: center; +} +p.center1 { + text-align: center; + line-height: 40%; +} +p.author { + margin-top: -1em; margin-right: 5%; text-align: right; +} +p.author1 { + margin-top: -1em; margin-right: 25%; text-align: right; +} +p.indent { + text-indent: 1.5em; +} +blockquote { + text-align: justify; +} +h1, h2, h3, h4, h5, h6 { + text-align: center; +} +td { + font-size: 0.9em; + text-align: center; + padding: 1em; +} + +td.left { + font-size: 0.9em; + text-align: left; + padding: 1em; +} + +td.inset { + font-size: 0.9em; + text-align: center; + padding: 1em; + border: 2px solid black; +} + +ul { + margin-left: 8%; + list-style-type: none; + } +ul.left { + margin-left: 7%; + list-style-type: none; + } + +pre { + font-size: 0.7em; +} +hr { + width: 50%; text-align: center; +} +hr.full { + width: 100%; +} +hr.short { + width: 20%; text-align: center; +} +.note { + font-size: 0.9em; + margin-left: 10%; + margin-right: 10%; +} +span.pagenum { + font-size: 8pt; right: 91%; left: 1%; position: absolute; +} +.sc { + font-variant: small-caps; + font-weight: normal; +} +span.outdent { + text-align: left; + margin-left: -2em; + font-size: 1.0em; + font-weight: normal; +} +span.outdent1 { + text-align: left; + margin-left: -2.5em; + font-size: 1.0em; + font-weight: normal; +} + +.poem { + margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 10%; margin-right: 10%; text-align: left; +} +.poem .stanza { + margin: 1em 0em; +} +.poem p { + padding-left: 3em; margin: 0px; text-indent: -3em; +} +.poem p.i2 { + margin-left: 1em; +} +.poem p.i4 { + margin-left: 2em; +} +.poem p.i6 { + margin-left: 3em +} +.poem p.i8 { + margin-left: 4em +} +.poem p.i10 { + margin-left: 5em +} +.poem p.i12 { + margin-left: 6em +} +.poem p.i16 { + margin-left: 8em +} +.poem p.i24 { + margin-left: 12em +} +.poem p.i32 { + margin-left: 16em +} +.poem p.i40 { + margin-left: 20em +} + +.figure { + padding-right: 1em; padding-left: 1em; font-size: 0.8em; padding-bottom: 1em; margin: 0px; padding-top: 1em; text-align: center; +} +.figcenter { + padding-right: 1em; padding-left: 1em; font-size: 0.8em; padding-bottom: 1em; margin: 0px; padding-top: 1em; text-align: center; +} +.figright { + padding-right: 1em; padding-left: 1em; font-size: 0.8em; padding-bottom: 1em; margin: 0px; padding-top: 1em; text-align: center; +} +.figleft { + padding-right: 1em; padding-left: 1em; font-size: 0.8em; padding-bottom: 1em; margin: 0px; padding-top: 1em; text-align: center; +} +.figure img { + border-top-style: none; border-right-style: none; border-left-style: none; border-bottom-style: none; +} +.figcenter img { + border-top-style: none; border-right-style: none; border-left-style: none; border-bottom-style: none; +} +.figright img { + border-top-style: none; border-right-style: none; border-left-style: none; border-bottom-style: none; +} +.figleft img { + border-top-style: none; border-right-style: none; border-left-style: none; border-bottom-style: none; +} +.figure p { + margin: 0px; text-indent: 1em; +} +.figcenter p { + margin: 0px; text-indent: 1em; +} +.figright p { + margin: 0px; text-indent: 1em; +} +.figleft p { + margin: 0px; text-indent: 1em; +} +.figure p.in { + margin: 0px; text-indent: 8em; +} +.figcenter p.in { + margin: 0px; text-indent: 8em; +} +.figright p.in { + margin: 0px; text-indent: 8em; +} +.figleft p.in { + margin: 0px; text-indent: 8em; +} +.figcenter { + margin: auto; +} +.figright { + float: right; +} +.figleft { + float: left; +} +</style> + +</head> +<body> + + +<pre> + +The Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 152, +June 20, 1917, by Various + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 152, June 20, 1917 + +Author: Various + +Editor: Owen Seaman + +Release Date: January 29, 2006 [EBook #17629] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1 + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH, OR THE LONDON *** + + + + +Produced by Jonathan Ingram, Lesley Halamek and the Online +Distributed Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net + + + + + + +</pre> + +<h1>PUNCH,<br />OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.</h1> +<h2>Vol. 152.</h2> +<hr class="full" /> + +<h2>June 20th, 1917.</h2> +<hr class="full" /> +<span class="pagenum"><a name="page393" id="page393"></a>[pg 393]</span> +<h2>CHARIVARIA.</h2> +<p> +A man who purchased sandwiches at +a railway restaurant and afterwards +threw them into the road was fined five +shillings at Grimsby Police Court last +week. His explanation—that he did +not know they might injure the road—was +not accepted by the Court.</p> + + <hr class="short" /> +<p> +We cannot help thinking that too +much fuss has been made about trying +to stop Messrs. <span class="sc">Ramsay Macdonald</span> +and <span class="sc">Jowett</span> from leaving England. +So far as we can gather they did not +threaten to return to this country afterwards.</p> + + <hr class="short" /> +<p> +A North of England man, obviously +wishing to appear unusual, +still persists in the stupid +story that he did not hear +the Messines explosion.</p> + + <hr class="short" /> +<p> +We can think of no finer +example of the humility of +true greatness than <span class="sc">King +Constantine's</span> decision to +abdicate.</p> + + <hr class="short" /> +<p> +There were forty thousand +fewer paupers in 1916 than +in 1915, according to figures +recently published. The difference +is accounted for by +the number of revue-writers +who have resumed their agricultural +occupations.</p> + + <hr class="short" /> +<p> +In a small town in Australia, +says a news item, over +two tons of mice were killed +in two days. For some unknown +reason, which perhaps +the Censor can explain, the +name of the cat is withheld.</p> + + <hr class="short" /> +<p> +"Eliminate the middleman," demands +a contemporary. It might prove a simpler +affair, after all, than the present +system of suppressing the inner man.</p> + + <hr class="short" /> +<p> +Mr. <span class="sc">Ginnell</span>, M.P., is responsible +for the statement that "bringing an +action against the police in Ireland is +like bringing one against Satan in hell." +The chief obstacle in the latter case is +of course the total absence of learned +counsel in that locality.</p> + + <hr class="short" /> +<p> +The <span class="sc">Kaiser</span>, it appears, has lost no +time in commiserating with his troops +on their magnificent victory at Messines.</p> + + <hr class="short" /> +<p> +The title which Mr. <span class="sc">John Hassall</span> +wrote under one of his sketches suggested +the words for a song which has +now been written. It is only fair to +the artist to say that he was not aware +that his quite innocent title would lead +to this.</p> + + <hr class="short" /> +<p> +The National Service staff at St. +Ermin's Hotel, Westminster, has been +reduced by half. It is now expected +that the unemployed half will volunteer +for National Service.</p> + + <hr class="short" /> +<p> +Berlin announces that all through-lines +in Germany are running. The +case of the <span class="sc">Hindenburg</span> Line seems to +be infectious.</p> + + <hr class="short" /> +<p> +"No cheese," says <i>The Evening News</i>, +"has quite the bite of Cheddar." At +the same time, unless it wags its tail +to show that it is friendly, we feel that +every cheese with a bite like that would +be much safer if muzzled.</p> + + <hr class="short" /> +<p> +Triplets were born in Manchester +last week. The father is going on as +well as can be expected.</p> + + <hr class="short" /> +<p> +Complaint has been made by a +member of the Hounslow Burial Committee +of courting couples occupying +seats in the cemetery. The killjoy!</p> + + <hr class="short" /> +<p> +We can only suppose it was the hot +weather that tempted a newsagent +correspondent to ask whether Lord +<span class="sc">Northcliffe</span> had gone to America on +"sail or return." </p> + + <hr class="short" /> +<p> +Mr. <span class="sc">Balfour</span>, we are told, while staying +at Washington, visited eleven public +buildings and interviewed nine representative +Americans on one day. There +is some talk of his being elected an +honorary American.</p> + + <hr class="short" /> +<p> +We wish to deny the foolish rumour +that when he arrived in London from +his American tour and was asked if he +had had a good voyage, he remarked, +"Sure thing, sonny. All the little +Mister Congressmen gathered around, +and it suited your Uncle Dudley very +nicely and some more. Yep!"</p> + + <hr class="short" /> +<p> +An old lady was recently fined two +pounds for putting out crumbs for +birds. Had the bread-crumbs been put +outside, instead of inside, the birds, no +offence, it seems, would have been +committed.</p> + + <hr class="short" /> +<p> +Newspapers in Germany may now +be sold only to subscribers for one +month or more. A similar measure for +England is opposed on the +ground that it would be most +inadvisable to check the practice +at present in vogue among +patriotic supporters of the +Coalition Government of buying +<i>The Morning Post</i> and <i>The +Daily News</i> on alternate days.</p> + + <hr class="short" /> +<p> +Bobbing for eels is being +pursued with much enthusiasm +on the Norfolk Broads. +Two-bobbing for haddocks in +Kensington is sport enough +for most of us.</p> + + <hr class="short" /> +<p> +Large numbers of the German +prisoners taken at Messines +wore new boots and new +uniforms. Other improvements +included a less ragged +rendering of the well-known +recitation, "Kamerad!"</p> + + <hr class="short" /> +<p> +Asked what bait could be +used for coarse fish, the late +<span class="sc">Food-Controller</span> suggested one "made +from bran, with a limited quantity of +oatmeal." The correspondent has now +written to inquire whether the fish +have been officially informed of the +new diet.</p> + + <hr class="short" /> +<p> +Four shillings a hundredweight is +being paid for old omnibus tickets, but +there are still a few people who use +these vehicles for pleasure, without any +motive of gain.</p> + + <hr /> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 550px;"> +<a href="images/393.png"><img src="images/393-543.png" width="543" height="450" alt="Yes, but what's the point of whitewashing the tree trunks?" /></a> + +<p><i>Visitor</i>. "<span class="sc">Yes, but what's the point of whitewashing +the tree trunks</span>?"</p> + +<p><i>Amateur Gardener</i>. "<span class="sc">I can't say for certain; but I <i>think</i> +the idea is to keep the bats from knocking their heads +in the dark</span>."</p> +</div> + + <hr /> + +<h4>Suspended Animation.</h4> + +<blockquote><p> +"<span class="sc">Laundry</span>.—Girl to hang up and make +herself useful."—<i>Liverpool Echo</i>. +</p></blockquote> + + <hr /> + +<blockquote><p> +"For myself, I have very good reasons for +not being in khaki. I live on a farm near the +Grand Falls of the St. John River. These +falls are second to Niagara in size and splendour, +and attract visitors from all over the +country."—<i>Canadian Paper</i>. +</p></blockquote> +<p> +He must have told the recruiting-officer +that he was subject to cataract.</p> + + <hr /> + +<span class="pagenum"><a name="page394" id="page394"></a>[pg 394]</span> + +<h2>T.M.G.</h2> + +<div class="poem"> +<div class="stanza"> +<p>Farewell, my <span class="sc">Constantine</span>! A guardian navy</p> + <p class="i2">Facilitates your exit on the blue;</p> +<p>For Greece has been this long while in the gravy</p> + <p class="i2">And he that put her there was plainly you;</p> +<p>"<span class="sc">Tino Must Go</span>!" was writ for all to see,</p> + <p class="i4">Or, briefly, "T.M.G."</p></div> +<div class="stanza"> +<p>Whither, dear Sir, do you propose to sally?</p> + <p class="i2">To Switzerland's recuperative air,</p> +<p>To sip condensed milk in a private chalet</p> + <p class="i2">Or pluck the lissom chamois from his lair,</p> +<p>Or on the summit of a neutral Alp</p> + <p class="i4">Recline your crownless scalp?</p></div> +<div class="stanza"> +<p>Or did you ask from him you love so dearly</p> + <p class="i2">A royal haven fenced from rude alarms,</p> +<p>Even though <span class="sc">William</span> should reserve you merely</p> + <p class="i2">A bedroom at "The Hohenzollern Arms,"</p> +<p>Having for poor relations on the loose</p> + <p class="i4">No sort of further use?</p></div> +<div class="stanza"> +<p>Beware! I gather he might clasp his <span class="sc">Tino</span></p> + <p class="i2">Only too warmly to his heaving chest,</p> +<p>Saying, "O how reward such merits? <i>We</i> know!</p> + <p class="i2">Thou shalt command an Army in the West!</p> +<p>Yes, thou shalt bear upon the British Front</p> + <p class="i4">The pick of all the brunt."</p></div> +<div class="stanza"> +<p>Frankly, if I were you, I wouldn't chance it.</p> + <p class="i2">Fighting has never really been your forte;</p> +<p>Witness Larissa, and your rapid transit,</p> + <p class="i2">Chivied by slow foot-sloggers of the Porte;</p> +<p>Far better make for Denmark o'er the foam;</p> + <p class="i4">There is no place like home.</p></div> +<div class="stanza"> +<p>Try some ancestral palace, well-appointed;</p> + <p class="i2">For choice the one where <i>Hamlet</i> nursed his spite,</p> +<p>Who found the times had grown a bit disjointed</p> + <p class="i2">And he was not the man to put 'em right;</p> +<p>And there consult on that enchanted shore</p> + <p class="i4">The ghosts of Elsinore.</p> </div> + +<div class="stanza"> +<p class="i16">O.S.</p> +</div> +</div> + <hr /> + + +<h2>LESSONS OF THE WAR.</h2> + +<h4>I.</h4> +<p> +(<i>Acting upon instructions received from the 3rd Self-help +Division the 9th Self-help Brigade issues its orders for +a Raid.</i>)</p> + + +<p class="center"><span class="sc">9th Self-help Brigade Operation Order</span> No. 49.</p> +<p class="author"><i>August 1st, 1920</i>.</p> + + +<p> +Ref. Maps. <span class="sc">London</span> 1/40000 shoot 27<sup>d</sup> S.W. and (Special) 1/500 +(<span class="sc">Broadmead</span>).</p> + +<ul><li> +<span class="outdent">1. The 9th Self-help Brigade</span> will carry out a Raid upon +<span class="sc">Broadmead House, Broadmead Square</span>, W., on the night +of 12/13 August.</li> +<li> +<span class="outdent">2. The Raid will</span> be carried out by the <span class="sc">Bill Sikes</span> and +<span class="sc">Robin Hood</span> Battalions. The <span class="sc">Charlie Peace</span> Bn. will be +in close support, and the <span class="sc">Dick Turpin</span> Bn. in reserve.</li> +<li> +<span class="outdent">3. The four sides</span> of the house will be attacked simultaneously, +the <span class="sc">Bill Sikes</span> Bn. attacking with one Coy. +each on the North and West, and the <span class="sc">Robin Hood</span> on the +South and East.</li> +<li> +<span class="outdent">4. The noise of</span> entry will be covered by a barrage of +street cries and taxi whistles. "Q." will arrange.</li> +<li> +<span class="outdent">5. Zero hour will</span> be notified later.</li> +<li> +<span class="outdent">6. The grounds</span> and approaches will be reconnoitred +thoroughly and as many friends as possible made in the +neighbourhood. Every opportunity of reconnoitring the +house itself, either through friendship or by substitution +for legitimate plumbers, window-cleaners, piano-tuners, +etc., will be taken.</li> +<li> +<span class="outdent">7. The Brigades</span> on the Right and Left will co-operate +by starting a street fight and a small fire respectively at +some convenient distance from the scene of operations.</li> +<li> +<span class="outdent">8. At Zero</span> <i>minus</i> one hour, a cordon of outposts will be +established at a radius of 500 yards from the house, with +strong points at the street corners. "Q." will arrange for +a supply of hedging-gloves.</li> +<li> +<span class="outdent">9. The general</span> scheme of approach will be on the lines +as laid down in the "Self-help Corps Standard Formation +of Attack" (OK 340/CV/429).</li> +<li> +<span class="outdent1">10. Commanding</span> Officers will submit a detailed scheme +for the attack (with sketch maps) not later than 4 P.M. on +August 6th.</li> +<li> +<span class="outdent1">11. Mopping-up</span> parties will be detailed to deal with all +dug-outs known to be occupied. Prisoners will not be +taken, but undue roughness is to be discouraged as likely +to bring discredit upon the service. Steps will be taken, +however, to ensure the immediate, if temporary, silence +of the obstreperous. O.C. Chloroform will arrange.</li> +<li> +<span class="outdent1">12. The Dog</span> emplacement at G 36 A 0.8 will be dealt +with by the Brigade Dog-fancier.</li> +<li> +<span class="outdent1">13. Brigade Cooks</span> will be detailed in specified areas to +act as decoys for Policemen.</li> +<li> +<span class="outdent1">14. All information</span> as to the plans, intentions, appearance, +habits and dispositions of inhabitants will be found +in Appendix I. Some good interior photographs of the +house have been obtained by Corps photographers acting +as window-cleaners.</li> +<li> +<span class="outdent1">15. As foreshadowed</span> in the Self-help Corps Intelligence +Summary of June 29th most of the family will be away +at the seaside by the date fixed for the Raid.</li> +<li> +<span class="outdent1">16. A teetotal</span> Guard will be placed over all cellars.</li> +<li> +<span class="outdent1">17. Advanced Report</span> Centre will be at G 25 D 93 ("The +Peck and Jackdaw").</li> +<li> +<span class="outdent1">18. A site for</span> a forward dump will be chosen—preferably +on the <span class="sc">Bayswater-Broadmead</span> Road. "Q" will +arrange.</li> +<li> +<span class="outdent1">19. Practice Raids</span> will be carried out upon a model of +the objective which will be erected at the depot.</li> +<li> +<span class="outdent1">20. Parties detailed</span> for Glass-cutting, Safe-opening, etc., +etc., will draw the necessary tools from the Main Dump +at K 25 A on the 12th inst. "Q" will arrange.</li> +<li> +<span class="outdent1">21. Dress: Fighting</span> Order with Rubber Soles.</li> +<li> +<span class="outdent1">22. A non-committal</span> hot meal (without onions) will be +served to all before starting. "Q" will arrange.</li> +<li> +<span class="outdent1">23. Results of the</span> Raid will be collected and dumped at +Advanced Brigade dump at G 36 A. "Q" will arrange +for necessary transport. Distribution of proceeds will be +made in accordance with G.R.O. 15. "<i>G</i>" <i>Staff will +arrange</i>.</li> +<li> +<span class="outdent1">24. Please acknowledge.</span> +<p class="author1"><i>Issued at 5.15 P.M.</i> </p></li> +</ul> +<ul class="left"> +<li> +Copies to</li> +<li>Diary I.</li> +<li>Diary II., etc., etc.</li> +</ul> + + <hr /> + +<blockquote><p> +"Detroit aldermen yesterday adopted a resolution asking for the +freedom of Ireland from British rule.</p> +<p> +It is addressed to the president and was introduced by Alderman +Walsh.</p> +<p> +Other Irish patriots eager for the freedom of Erin who did sign +the resolution were Jacob Guthard, William H.C. Hinkle, Joseph H. +Bahorski, Joseph A. Miotke, Anthony Nowe, Herman Zink, Charles +Braun, Charles A. Kocher, Oscar A. Dodt, John C. Bleil, Ralph G. +Mitter, Alexander Dill, John A. Kronk, Herman Schultz, Albert G. +Kunz, Frederick W. Wendell and Oscar Riopelle."</p> +<p class="author"> +<i>Detroit Free Press</i>. +</p></blockquote> +<p> +Your true Irish patriot doesn't mind what country he +comes from.</p> + + <hr /> +<span class="pagenum"><a name="page395" id="page395"></a>[pg 395]</span> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 400px;"> +<a href="images/395.png"><img src="images/395-358.png" width="358" height="450" alt="HOIST WITH HIS OWN PETARD." /></a> +<h3>HOIST WITH HIS OWN PETARD.</h3> +<p> +<span class="sc">Mr. Ramsay Macdonald</span> (<i>Champion of Independent Labour</i>). "OF COURSE I'M ALL +FOR PEACEFUL PICKETING—ON PRINCIPLE. BUT IT MUST BE APPLIED TO THE PROPER PARTIES."</p> +</div> + + <hr /> + + +<span class="pagenum"><a name="page396" id="page396"></a>[pg 396]</span> + +<h2>BLANCHE'S LETTERS.</h2> + +<h4><span class="sc">WAR FEVER</span>.</h4> +<p class="author"> +<i>Park Lane</i>.</p> + +<p> +<span class="sc">Dearest Daphne</span>,—Juno ffarrington's +wedding to the Oldcastles' boy, Portcullis, the other day, +quite the best done of Allotment Weddings that are +having a little vogue just now. Juno's white satin gown was +embroidered with mustard and cress and spring onions in their +natural colours, her veil was kept in place by a coronal of +lettuce leaves, and, instead of a Prayer-Book or a posy, she +carried a little ivory-and-silver spade. The effect was <i>absolutely!</i> +The 'maids had on Olga's latest in Allotment Wedding +frocks, carried out in potato-brown charmeuse and cabbage-green +chiffon; also they'd garden-hats, tied under the chin +with ribbon-grass and with a big cluster of radishes at the +left side, and each of them carried a bunch of small salad and +a darling little crystal-and-silver watering-pot (Portcullis's gifts). +The Duke of Southlands gave his daughter away, and Juno +<i>insisted</i> on his wearing a smock-frock and carrying a trowel, and +just as the dear Bishop said, "Who giveth this woman?" +the poor old darling dropped his trowel with a crash and rather +spoilt things.</p> +<p> +The wedding-cake was a great big war loaf stuck with flags. +Juno cut it in old-fashioned style with Portcullis's sword. While +we were doing ourselves well with war-bread and margarine, +boiled eggs and plenty of champagne, the Controller of Wedding +Breakfasts blew in (it's a new post, and he's two hundred +and fifty able-bodied young assistants). He was curious to see +what we were having, and cautioned us against throwing any +rice after our bride and 'groom. "But how absurd, you ricky +person!" chipped in Popsy, Lady Ramsgate, who, of course, +is Juno's great-aunt. "<i>We</i> never throw rice at our wedding-people! <i>That</i>'s only +done by the outlying tribes of barbarians." It was a pity she attracted +his notice, for he was down on her directly for having on a toque almost +entirely made of young turnips and carrots. He said it was "an infraction +of rule 150, cap. 4,500 of the Safety of the Empire Act, forbidding +the use of the people's food for personal adornment."</p> +<p> +The Allotment expression, which is the correct one now, is a look of interest +and expectation, because what one's planted is coming up. <i>Some</i> people +rather spoil their Allotment expression by a <i>puzzled</i> look. <i>Et pourquoi</i>? +dear, they've <i>quite</i> forgotten what they planted, and, though they <i>pretend</i> they +know <i>exactly</i> what it is that's coming up, they really haven't the slightest!</p> +<p> +My last photo is considered to show the Allotment expression in utter perfection. +(It's been in <i>People of Position, Mayfair Murmurs</i>, and several other +weeklies.) I'm standing in my potato-patch (my Allotment toilette is finished +off by a pair of <i>enthralling</i> little hob-nailed +boots!) and I'm holding a rake and a hoe and a digging-fork in one +hand and a garden-hose in the other; there's a wheel-barrow beside me, and +I'm looking at the potato-plants with the <i>true</i> Allotment smile, my +dearest. I sent a copy of this picky to Norty, and under it I +wrote those famous last words of some celebrated Frenchman +(I forget whether it was +<span class="sc">Molière</span> or <span class="sc">Mirabeau</span> or <span class="sc">Napoleon</span>): +"<i>Je vais chercher un grand peut-être</i>!"</p> + +<div class="figright" style="width: 300px;"> +<a href="images/396.png"><img src="images/396-209.png" width="209" height="450" alt="THE LAST STRAW." /></a> +<h5>THE LAST STRAW.</h5> +</div> + +<p> +Wee-Wee is frightfully worried about Bo-Bo being so +overworked. He used to be at the head of the Department for +Telling People What to Do, and he and his five hundred assistants +were worked half dead; and <i>now</i> he's at the head of a +still newer department, the one for Telling People What They're +<i>Not</i> to Do, and, though he's eight hundred clerks to help +him, Wee-Wee says the strain is too great for words. He goes +to Whitehall at ten every day and comes back at three! And +then he has the Long-Ago treatment that's being used so much +now for war-frayed nerves. The idea is to get people as far away +from the present as poss. So when Bo-Bo comes in from +Whitehall he lies down on a fearful old worm-eaten oak settle +in a dim room hung with moth-eaten tapestry, and Wee-Wee +reads <span class="sc">Chaucer</span> to him, and +sings ghastly little folk-songs, accompanying herself on a thing +called a <i>crwth</i>—(it's a tremendously +primitive sort of harp, but I can't believe that +even a <i>crwth</i> meant to make such a horrible noise as Wee-Wee +makes on it!). Myself, I don't consider Bo-Bo a bit the +better for the Long-Ago treatment, and there's certainly a +wild look in his eyes that wasn't there before!</p> +<p> +<i>M'amie</i>, would you like to hear the simply <i>odious</i> storyette +of Somebody's Cousin? Well, so you shall. Somebody is by way of +being an intimate foe of mine, and Somebody's Cousin has long been a +thorn in the flesh and a shaking of the head to his people. Before the War he +belonged to the League for Taking Everything Lying Down, the Fellowship +for Preventing People from Standing up against Foreign Aggression, and +the Brotherhood for Giving up All<span class="pagenum"><a name="page397" id="page397"></a>[pg 397]</span> +Our Advantages to Aliens. He was of military age, and when war came, after +giving vent to some completely detestable sentiments, he crossed to the U.S. +and naturalised himself there, constantly attacking the country that was +unlucky enough to produce him.</p> +<p> +When the U.S. came in, he shed his citizenship in a hurry, fled to South +America, and naturalised himself in a republic that had sworn by all its gods +to keep out of the War <i>à tout prix</i>. This republic, however, changed its +mind later and followed its big northern brother into the War, <i>et voilà</i>! Somebody's +Cousin was at a loose end again. He afterwards naturalised himself in +half-a-dozen small far-away nations that all finally came in, and <i>then, +chérie</i>, he drifted down to the islands of the South Pacific (the favourite ocean +of <i>his</i> sort!) and had himself made an Ollyoola. (The Ollyoolas are a tribe +that has <i>never in all its past history</i> been known to go to war). He was +made an Ollyoola with all the native rites, dancing and shrieking and so on, +and he wore the correct Ollyoola dress (a few shells and his hair trained on +sticks to stand straight up).</p> +<p> +And <i>now</i> comes the point of this storyette: Only a few weeks after +Somebody's Cousin had become a full-blooded Ollyoola (I think that's the +proper phrase), the Ollyoolas suddenly fell out with the Patti-Tattis (on the +next island) and went to war, for <i>absolutely the first time</i>, with a <i>ferocity</i>, my +Daphne, that seems to have been saving up through all their centuries of peacefulness!</p> +<p> +Nothing's been heard since of Somebody's Cousin!</p> + +<p class="author"> +Ever thine,<br /> +<span class="sc">Blanche</span>. +</p> + + <hr /> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 600px;"> +<a href="images/397.png"><img src="images/397-600.png" width="600" height="444" alt="WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO PLAY AT? KISS-IN-THE-RING?" /></a> + + <p><i>Recruit</i>. "<span class="sc">Excuse me, Sir, I feel greatly exhausted by this exercise</span>."</p> + +<p><i>Instructor</i>. "<span class="sc">Do you, dearie? What would you like to play at? Kiss-in-the-ring</span>?"</p> +</div> + +<hr /> + +<blockquote>"AIRMEN'S ORDEAL IN THE NORTH SEA.<br /> + +FIVE DAYS ON A PIECE OF CHOCOLATE."</blockquote> +<p class="author"> +<i>Continental Daily Mail</i>.</p> +<p> +Rather a precarious perch.</p> + + <hr /> + + +<h4>"'GIB.' SHELLS FALL IN MOROCCO.</h4> + +<blockquote><p> +<span class="sc">Madrid</span>.—Near Algeciras 20 shells fell from +the batteries of Gibraltar. There were no +victims, and no damage was caused. The +authorities at Gibraltar have given satisfactory +explanations."—<i>Evening Paper</i>. +</p></blockquote> +<p> +Still, we should like to know the nature +of the explosive that blew Algeciras +across the Straits.</p> + + <hr /> + + +<h4>KINSMEN AND NAMESAKES.</h4> +<p> +An official circular, commenting on +the presentation at the Scala, in film +form, of <i>The Crisis</i>, by Mr. <span class="sc">Winston +Churchill</span>, the American novelist, adds +the interesting statement, "the author +is of course a distant cousin of the +Right Hon. Winston Churchill, M.P."; +This sounds a little ungracious. Why +"of course <i>distant</i>?" But perhaps +the gifted novelist shares the opinion +held by Lord <span class="sc">Beresford</span> of the politician +who did not write <i>The Crisis</i>, +but is always trying to make one.</p> + + <hr /> + +<p> +From the account of a military +wedding in <i>The West London Press</i>:—</p> + +<blockquote><p> +"The bridegroom was wearing a simple +draped gown of lavender-blue crepe georgette, +with a mushroom-shaped hat in the same +shade, wreathed with small coloured flowers +and draped with a blue lace veil." +</p></blockquote> +<p> +Some mufti!</p> + + <hr /> + +<blockquote><p> +"When the Lord Provost ruled that the +mater was not urgent, the Labourists created +something of a scene."—<i>Glasgow Citizen</i>. +</p></blockquote> +<p> +Quite justifiably, in view of the imminence +of "Baby Week."</p> + + <hr /> + +<span class="pagenum"><a name="page398" id="page398"></a>[pg 398]</span> + +<h2>THE DISSUADERS.</h2> +<p> +For many years—ever since the first +piece of chalk was applied to the first +wall and advertising began its bombastic +career—the advertiser's tendency +has been to commend his wares, if not +to excess, at any rate with no want of +generosity. Everyone must have noticed +it. But war changes many things +besides Cabinets, and if the paper +famine is to continue there will shortly +be a totally novel kind of advertising to +be seen, where dissuasion holds the +highest place. For unless something +happens those journals which have +already done much to reduce circulation +will have to do more and actually +decry themselves. Such counsels as +those which follow may before long +meet the eyes, and, it is possible, influence +the minds, of the great B.P.:—</p> + +<table width="90%" summary="billboards"> +<tr> + <td> +<table border="0" summary="billboards"> +<tr> + <td class="inset" width="45%"> +<p class="center"> +<span class="sc">The Proprietors of</span></p> + +<h3><i>THE TIMES</i></h3> +<p class="center"> +Urge you to spend your money<br /> +elsewhere.</p> + +<h3><i>THE TIMES</i></h3> +<p class="center"> +may have the best foreign correspondence,<br /> +the latest news, the greatest<br /> +variety of letters (in types of all sizes),<br /> +the funniest dramatic criticisms, the<br /> +sternest leading articles, and the only<br /> +newspaper proprietor now acting as a<br /> +plenipotentiary in America;<br/><br /> + +BUT<br /><br /> + +you are implored not to buy it.</p> +<p class="center"> +Remember its virtues for future use,<br /> +when skies are brighter, but disregard<br /> +them to-day.</p> + +</td> +</tr> +</table> +<table border="0" summary="billboards"> +<tr> + <td class="inset" width="45%"> + +<p class="center"> +We appeal to the great-hearted Public<br /> +to make a real effort and refrain from<br /> +buying</p> + +<h3><i>THE OBSERVER.</i></h3> +<p class="center"> +Sunday may be only half a Sunday <br /> +without it;</p> +<p class="center"> +But indulge in a little self-sacrifice.</p> +<p class="center"> +Not only eat less bread<br /> +But<br /> +Read less <span class="sc">Garvin</span>.</p> +</td> +</tr> +</table> +<table border="0" summary="billboards"> +<tr> + <td class="inset" width="45%"> + +<p class="center"> +DOWN SPECTATORS!</p> +<p class="center"> +Give</p> + +<h3><i>THE SPECTATOR</i></h3> +<p class="center"> +A WIDE BERTH.</p> +<p class="center"> +There are reasons why it must be published<br /> +regularly<br /> +But there are no reasons why you<br /> +should buy it.<br /><br /> +There is no better, saner, or soberer<br /> +Critic of Life; but what of it?<br /><br /> +We print all the latest Canine and<br /> +Feline news; but never mind.<br /><br /> +If you won't, as seems probable, down<br /> +your glass, down your <i>Spectator</i>.</p> +</td> +</tr> +</table> +</td> +<td width="10%"> </td> +<td valign="top"> +<table border="0" summary="billboards"> +<tr> + <td class="inset" width="45%"> +<p class="center"><br /> +HELP TO WIN THE WAR</p> +<p class="center"> +BY NOT BUYING</p> + +<h3><i>THE DAILY CHRONICLE</i>.</h3> + + </td> +</tr> +</table> + +<table border="0" summary="billboards"> +<tr> + <td class="inset" width="45%"> +<p class="center"><br /> +Whatever Sixpenny weekly you buy<br /> +don't let it be</p> + +<h3><i>THE NATION</i>.</h3> +<p class="center"> +Owing to its persecution by the present<br /> +incapable Government <i>The Nation</i> is <br /> +achieving an embarrassing popularity.</p> +<p class="center"> + Please forget it.</p> +<p class="center"> + Let your only</p> +<p class="center"> + NATION</p> +<p class="center"> + Be your determi-</p> +<p class="center"> + Nation</p> +<p class="center"> + NOT TO BUY IT.</p> + +</td> +</tr> +</table> +<table border="0" summary="billboards"> +<tr> + <td class="inset" width="45%"> + +<p class="center"><br /> +THE PROPRIETORS OF</p> + +<h3><i>THE STAR</i></h3> +<p class="center"> +urge you not to buy it any more until<br /> +the War is over and paper is cheap again.</p> +<p class="center"> +Buy <i>The Evening News</i> instead.</p> + +</td> +</tr> +</table> + +<table border="0" summary="billboards"> +<tr> + <td class="inset" width="45%"> +<p class="center"><br /> +DON'T BUY</p> + +<h3><i>THE SPHERE</i>.</h3> +<p class="center"> +IT IS ONLY SEVENPENCE A WEEK,</p> +<p class="center"> +BUT DON'T BUY IT.</p> +<p class="center"> +It is full of Pictures of the War, but<br /> +you can do without them. It has<br /> +punctual literary judgments of astounding<br /> +finality by "C.K.S.," but they<br /> +can wait.</p> +<p class="center"> +Do anything in reason, but don't buy</p> +<p class="center"> +<i>The Sphere</i>.</p> + +</td> +</tr> +</table> + +</td> +</tr> +</table> + + +<p> +The depreciation, you observe, is not +always quite whole-heartedly done. But +it must be remembered that the habit +of self-praise cannot be broken down in +a minute, and this is only a beginning.</p> + + <hr /> + +<h3>PAN PIPES.</h3> + +<div class="poem"> +<div class="stanza"> + <p>In the green spaces of the listening trees</p> + <p class="i8">Pan sits at ease,</p> + <p class="i2">Watching with lazy eyes</p> + <p class="i2">Little blue butterflies</p> + <p>That flicker sidelong in the fitful breeze;</p> + <p class="i2">While on his pipe he plays</p> + <p class="i2">Quaint trills, and roundelays</p> + <p class="i2">With dropping cadences;</p> + <p> And shy red squirrels rub against his knees.</p></div> +<div class="stanza"> + <p>And, thro' the city's tumult and the beat</p> + <p class="i8">Of hurrying feet,</p> + <p class="i2">Those whom the god loves hear</p> + <p class="i2">Pan's pipe, insistent, clear;</p> + <p>Echoes of elfin laughter, high and sweet;</p> + <p class="i2">Catch in the sparrows' cries</p> + <p class="i2">Those tinkling melodies</p> + <p class="i2">That sing where brooklets meet,</p> + <p>And the wood's glamour colours the grey street.</p> +</div> +</div> +<hr /> + +<h2>A LOCAL FOOD-CONTROLLER.</h2> +<p> +"No partner for you this evening, +Sir," said the Inspector. "Mr. Tibbits +has just telephoned through that he +has rheumatism badly again."</p> +<p> +I know Tibbits' rheumatism. I also +know he plays off his heat in the +club billiard handicap to-night. I can +imagine him writhing round the table. +Still I remember the first rule of the +force—under no circumstances give +another policeman away.</p> +<p> +"You'll have to take Dartmouth +Street by yourself, Sir," continues the +Inspector.</p> +<p> +"What's it like?"</p> +<p> +"Bit of a street market. All right—just +tact and keep them moving."</p> +<p> +I reach Dartmouth Street. It is a +thronged smelly thoroughfare. I pass +along modestly, hoping that every one +will ignore me.</p> +<p> +But a gentleman who is selling fish +detects me and calls "'Ere, Boss, move +this ole geezer on."</p> +<p> +"What's the trouble?" I inquire.</p> +<p> +The old geezer turns rapidly on me. +"'Ere 'e's gone and sold me two 'errings +for tuppence 'alfpenny which was that +salt my 'usband went near mad, what +with the pubs bein' shut all afternoon, +an' now 'e's popped the fender jus' to +get rid of 'is thirst."</p> +<p> +"I told you to soak 'em in three +waters," says the fishmonger.</p> +<p> +"'Ow much beer is my 'usband to +soak 'imself in—tell me that?"</p> +<p> +It is time for tact. I whisper in the +lady's ear, "Come along—don't argue +with a man like that. He's beneath +you."</p> +<p> +She comes away. I am triumphant. +But she turns round and cries, "This +gentleman as <i>is</i> a gentleman says I +ain't to lower meself by talkin' to a +'ound like you."</p> +<p> +I move on. I doubt if the fishmonger +will be pleased by the lady's representation +of my few words, and I make a +mental note to keep away from his stall. +All at once another lady, who for some +obscure reason is carrying a bucket, +grips me by the arm.</p> +<p> +"I'm goin' to 'ave the law on my +side, I am," she declares emphatically, +"an' then I'll smash 'is bloomin' fice +in."</p> +<p> +I am swayed towards a fruit-stall.</p> +<p> +"Look at them," says the irate lady, +holding out three potatoes. "Rotten—at +thrippence a pound. My 'usband +'e'd 'ave set abaht me if I'd give 'im +them for 'is dinner."</p> +<p> +The fruiterer takes a lofty moral +standard. "I sold yer them fer seed +pertaters, I did. If yer 'usband eats +them 'e's worse than a Un."</p> +<p> +"Seed pertaters, was they? Where<span class="pagenum"><a name="page399" id="page399"></a>[pg 399]</span> +was I to grow 'em? In a mug on the +mantelpiece?"</p> +<p> +"'Ow was I ter know yer 'adn't a +'lotment?"</p> +<p> +"You'll need no 'lotment. It's a +cemet'ry you'll want when my 'usband +knows you've called 'im a Un."</p> +<p> +"Now, now," I interpose tactfully. +"Perhaps you can exchange them, +then you'll have the lady for a regular +customer."</p> +<p> +"I don't want the blighter fer a reglar +customer," says the fruiterer.</p> +<p> +Three potatoes whirl past me at the +fruiterer. The lady with the bucket +departs rapidly.</p> +<p> +"Lemme get at 'er," cries the irate +fruiterer.</p> +<p> +"You wouldn't hit a woman," I protest.</p> +<p> +"Wouldn't I?" says the infuriated +fruiterer.</p> +<p> +I interpose—verbally. "You'll get +everything stolen," I say, "from your +stall if you leave it."</p> +<p> +"I'll leave you in charge."</p> +<p> +"I'm needed down my beat," I reply, +and stalk on instantly, leaving a sadly +disillusioned man behind me.</p> +<p> +I reach a queue outside a grocer's +shop.</p> +<p> +"There now," says a stout lady, +"give 'er in charge."</p> +<p> +The queue all speak at once.</p> +<p> +"She's a 'oarder, she is. Got 'arf-a-pound +o' sugar already in 'er basket +and only 'erself and 'er 'usband at +'ome, while I got five kids."</p> +<p> +A lady down the queue caps this +with seven kids, and in the distance a +lady in a fur cap claims ten, and is at +once engaged by her neighbours in a +bitter controversy as to whether three in +France should count in sugar buying.</p> +<p> +All the time the hoarder stands with +nose in the air, the picture of lofty +indifference.</p> +<p> +Tact—tact—I remember the Inspector's +advice.</p> +<p> +"Excuse me, Madam," I say, "but +in these times we all have to make +sacrifices. You already have sugar. +Some of your friends have none. Under +the circumstances—"</p> +<p> +Slowly the lady turns a withering +eye on me. "I'll move nowhere no'ow +for nobody."</p> +<p> +A lady in the background suggests +that the female should be boiled in a +sugar-sack. A more humane person +expresses the hope that she will be +bombed that night.</p> +<p> +"But, Madam, consider your friends," +I proceed.</p> +<p> +"Don't you call that lot my friends! +I'm 'ere fer a pound of marge, and get +it I will if all the bloomin' speshuls +come 'oo 're doin' reglar coppers outer +jobs."</p> +<p> +Public opinion in the queue takes a +sudden turn. One lady remarks that +these speshuls are that interfering. +Another alleges that she has no doubt +I have sacks of sugar at home.</p> +<p> +I remember the Inspector's counsel +about moving on, and move myself on.</p> +<p> +There is one man in England who +proclaims himself absolutely unfitted to +fill the Food-Controller's position.</p> +<p> +I am that modest person.</p> + + <hr /> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 600px;"> +<a href="images/399.png"><img src="images/399-600.png" width="600" height="383" alt="THE ELEPHANT'S PUTTING UP A VERY SPIRITED PERFORMANCE TO-NIGHT." /></a> + +<p><i>Stage Manager. </i>"<span class="sc">The elephant's putting up a very spirited performance to-night</span>."</p> + +<p><i>Carpenter</i>. "<span class="sc">Yessir. You see, the new hind-legs is a discharged soldier, +and the front legs is an out-and-out pacifist</span>."</p> +</div> + <hr /> + + +<h4>Broody.</h4> + +<blockquote><p> +"<span class="sc">Whist Drive</span>.—A sitting of eggs was +given by Mrs. —— for the lady or gentleman +sitting the greatest number of times +consecutively."—<i>Worcester Daily Times.</i> +</p></blockquote> +<hr /> + + +<blockquote><p> +"In Captain ——'s boat all the men survived, +although full of water."—<i>New Zealand Paper.</i> +</p></blockquote> +<p> +In the interests of temperance we protest +against "although."</p> + +<hr /> + + +<h4>"RUSSIAN TROOPS MUTINY.</h4> + +<blockquote><p class="author"> +Petrograd, Saturday.</p> +<p> +The Minister of War has given orders to +disband the regiments, and to bring the officers +and men responsible before a court-marital."</p> +<p class="author"><i>East Anglian Daily Times.</i> +</p></blockquote> +<p> +That's right. Let their wives talk to +them.</p> + + <hr /> + + + +<span class="pagenum"><a name="page400" id="page400"></a>[pg 400]</span> + + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 600px;"> +<a href="images/400.png"><img src="images/400-600.png" width="600" height="425" alt="I'll learn yer to call me 'Little Willie." /></a> + +<p> +<span class="sc">"I'll learn yer to call me 'Little Willie.' My farver don't arf know 'ow to kill +Germans. An' <i>I'll show yer where +he gits it from!"</i></span></p> +</div> + + <hr /> + +<h2>OPEN WARFARE.</h2> +<div class="poem"> +<div class="stanza"> + <p>Men said, "At last! at last the open battle!</p> + <p class="i2">Now shall we fight unfettered o'er the plain,</p> + <p>No more in catacombs be cooped like cattle,</p> + <p class="i2">Nor travel always in a devious drain!"</p> + <p>They were in ecstasies. But I was damping;</p> + <p class="i2">I like a trench, I have no lives to spare;</p> + <p>And in those catacombs, however cramping,</p> + <p class="i2">You did at least know vaguely where you were.</p></div> +<div class="stanza"> + <p>Ah, happy days in deep well-ordered alleys,</p> + <p class="i2">Where, after dining, probably with wine,</p> + <p>One felt indifferent to hostile sallies,</p> + <p class="i2">And with a pipe meandered round the line;</p> + <p>You trudged along a trench until it ended;</p> + <p class="i2">It led at least to some familiar spot;</p> + <p>It might not be the place that you'd intended,</p> + <p class="i2">But then you might as well be there as not.</p></div> +<div class="stanza"> + <p>But what a wilderness we now inhabit</p> + <p class="i2">Since this confounded "open" strife prevails!</p> + <p>It may be good; I do not wish to crab it,</p> + <p class="i2">But you should hear the language it entails,</p> + <p>Should see this waste of wide uncharted craters</p> + <p class="i2">Where it is vain to seek the companies,</p> + <p>Seeing the shell-holes are as like as taters</p> + <p class="i2">And no one knows where anybody is.</p></div> +<div class="stanza"> + <p>Oft in the darkness, palpitant and blowing,</p> + <p class="i2">Have I set out and lost the hang of things,</p> + <p>And ever thought, "Where <i>can</i> the guide be going?"</p> + <p class="i2">But trusted long and rambled on in rings,</p> + <p>For ever climbing up some miry summit,</p> + <p class="i2">And halting there to curse the contrite guide,</p> + <p>For ever then descending like a plummet</p> + <p class="i2">Into a chasm on the other side.</p></div> +<div class="stanza"> + <p>Oft have I sat and wept, or sought to study</p> + <p class="i2">With hopeless gaze the uninstructive stars,</p> + <p>Hopeless because the very skies were muddy;</p> + <p class="i2">I only saw a red malicious Mars;</p> + <p>Or pulled my little compass out and pondered,</p> + <p class="i2">And set it sadly on my shrapnel hat,</p> + <p>Which, I suppose, was why the needle wandered,</p> + <p class="i2">Only, of course, I never thought of that.</p></div> +<div class="stanza"> + <p>And then perhaps some 5·9's start dropping,</p> + <p class="i2">As if there weren't sufficient holes about;</p> + <p>I flounder on, hysterical and sopping,</p> + <p class="i2">And come by chance to where I started out,</p> + <p>And say once more, while I have no objection</p> + <p class="i2">To other people going to Berlin,</p> + <p>Give <i>me</i> a trench, a nice revetted section,</p> + <p class="i2">And let me stay there till the Bosch gives in!</p> +</div> +</div> + +<hr /> + +<h4>A Judge Speaks Out.</h4> + +<blockquote><p> +"Regarding the assertions that the appellant introduced politics into +his sermons, it would be a bad day for this country when in a political +controversy when a clergyman could conceive cases in which some +high ideal was involved in a political controversy when a clergyman +could honestly and reasonably preach about it."—<i>Yorkshire Post.</i> +</p></blockquote> +<p> +We have always felt that something like this needed +saying.</p> + + <hr /> + +<span class="pagenum"><a name="page401" id="page401"></a>[pg 401]</span> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 350px;"> +<a href="images/401.png"><img src="images/401-348.png" width="348" height="450" alt="COMFORT IN EXILE." /></a> + +<h2>COMFORT IN EXILE.</h2> +<p> +<span class="sc">Imperial Brother-in-Law</span>. "AFTER ALL, MY DEAR TINO, YOU ARE SOMETHING BETTER +THAN A KING; YOU ARE A FIELD-MARSHAL IN MY ARMY! YOU SHALL PRESENTLY +HAVE A COMMAND ON THE WESTERN FRONT."</p> +<p> +<span class="sc">Tino</span> <i>(without enthusiasm)</i>. "THANK YOU VERY MUCH."</p> +</div> + + <hr /> + +<span class="pagenum"><a name="page402" id="page402"></a>[pg 402]</span> + +<h2>ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT.</h2> +<p> +<i>Monday, June 11th</i>.—I am told that +it was <span class="sc">Willie Redmond's</span> ambition to +be the Father of the House; indeed, that +by some arithmetical process peculiar +to himself be claimed, although only +elected in 1883, to be already entitled +to that venerable honour.</p> +<p> +In reality he was the Eternal Boy, +from the far-off time when it was his +nightly delight with youthful exuberance +to cheek Mr. Speaker <span class="sc">Brand</span> +until the moment of his glorious death +in Flanders, whither he had gone at an +age when most of his compeers were +content to play the critic in a snug +corner of the smoking-room.</p> +<p> +Personal affection combined with +admiration for his gallantry to inspire +the speeches in which the <span class="sc">Prime +Minister</span>, Mr. <span class="sc">Asquith</span> and Sir <span class="sc">Edward +Carson</span> enshrined the most remarkable +tribute ever paid to a private +Member.</p> +<p> +Sir <span class="sc">George Greenwood's</span> affection +for the animal creation is commonly +supposed to be such that he would +not countenance the slaughter of the +meanest thing that crawls—not even +those miserable creatures who hold +that <span class="sc">Shakspeare's</span> plays were written +by <span class="sc">Shakspeare</span>. It was therefore with +pained regret that I heard him attempting +to support his objection to the +activities of sparrow-clubs by the argument +that, if the birds were destroyed, +large numbers of grubs and caterpillars +would be left alive. After this +I shall not be surprised to hear that he +has been summoned by the R.S.P.C.A. +for brutality to a slug.</p> + +<div class="figright" style="width: 180px;"> +<a href="images/402-1.png"><img src="images/402-1-180.png" width="180" height="203" alt="In Re AN ACTION AGAINST SATAN." /></a> + +<p><span class="sc"><i>In Re</i> An action against Satan</span>.</p> + +<p>(<span class="sc">Mr. H.E. Duke</span>, K.C.)</p> +</div> + +<p> +What I most admire in the <span class="sc">Chief +Secretary for Ireland</span> is his wonderful +self-restraint. When Mr. <span class="sc">Ginnell</span> +stridently inquired whether to institute +legal process against the police in +Ireland was not like bringing an action +against Satan in hell, the ordinary +man would have been tempted to reply: +"The hon. Member probably has sources +of information not accessible to me." +Mr. <span class="sc">Duke</span> contented himself with mildly +suggesting that the hon. Member should +"apply his own intelligence to that +matter." Perhaps, however, he meant +much the same thing.</p> + +<p> +Half the sitting was taken up with +discussing whether Messrs. <span class="sc">Jowett</span> and +<span class="sc">Ramsay Macdonald</span> should be given +passports to Russia. Mr. <span class="sc">Bonar Law</span> +clinched the matter by saying that the +Russian Government wanted them. +Well, <i>de gustibus</i>, etc.</p> +<p> +<i>Tuesday, June 12th</i>.—Perhaps the +most wonderful revelation of the War +has been the adaptability of the British +working-man. Mr. <span class="sc">Cathcart Wason</span> +called attention to the case of a professional +gardener who, having been +recruited for home service, had first +been turned into a bricklayer's assistant, +then into an assistant-dresser, and +finally into a munition-maker. For +some time the Ministry of Munitions +seems to have been loth to part with +the services of this Admirable Crichton, +but having learned from the Board +of Agriculture that there was a shortage +of food it has now consented to +restore him to his original vocation.</p> + + +<div class="figright" style="width: 180px;"> +<a href="images/403-2.png"><img src="images/403-2-180.png" width="180" height="221" alt="CAPTAIN BATHURST REFUSES TO BE A POTATO PROPHET." /></a> + +<p><span class="sc">Captain Bathurst refuses to be +a potato prophet</span>.</p></div> + + +<p> +It will be a thousand pities if Captain +<span class="sc">Bathurst</span> should persist in leaving the +department of the <span class="sc">Food-Controller</span>. +If he could only keep down food-prices +as effectively as he does irrelevant +questioners he would be worth his +weight in "Bradburys." His latest +victim is Mr. <span class="sc">Pennefather</span>, who has +developed a keen curiosity on the subject +of potatoes. Did not the Government +think that the high price would +cause premature "lifting"? Were they +aware that potatoes could be used +for making rubber substitutes and +cement; and would they assure the +House that there would be an abundance +of them for the next twelve +months'? Captain <span class="sc">Bathurst</span> declined +to figure in the <i>rôle</i> of prophet, and, +for the rest, remarked that the hon. +Member appeared to have an insatiable +appetite for <i>crambe repetita</i>. Mr. +<span class="sc">Pennefather</span> is understood to be still +searching the Encyclopædia to discover +the properties of this vegetable, with +the view of putting a few posers on the +subject to Captain <span class="sc">Bathurst</span> (or his +successor) next week.</p> +<p> +As the friends of Proportional Representation +are wont to refer to their +little pet by the affectionate diminutive +of "P.R.," they can hardly be surprised +that its appearance should lead +to combats recalling in intensity the +palmy days of the Prize Ring. It was +designed that the Front Bench should +be content to perform the function of +judicious bottle-holder, and leave the +issue to be fought out by the rest of the +House. But Sir F.E. <span class="sc">Smith</span>, like the +Irishman who inquired, "Is this a +private fight, or may anyone join in?" +could not refrain from trailing his coat, +and quickly found a doughty opponent +in Mr. <span class="sc">Hayes Fisher</span>. The House so +much enjoyed the unusual freedom of +the fight that it would probably be +going on still but for that spoil-sport, +the <span class="sc">Home Secretary</span>, who begged +Members to come to a decision. By +149 votes to 141 "P.R." was "down +and out."</p> + +<div class="figright" style="width: 180px;"> +<a href="images/402-2.png"><img src="images/402-2-180.png" width="180" height="254" alt="HEAVY WORK FOR THE BOUNDARY COMISSIONERS." /></a> + +<p>HEAVY WORK FOR THE BOUNDARY COMISSIONERS.</p> + +<p><span class="sc">MR. Eugene Wason to be swept away</span>.</p> +</div> + +<p> +Mr. <span class="sc">Eugene Wason</span> entered an anticipatory +protest against the possibility +that Scotland might be deprived of +some of her seventy-two Members. "I +myself," he said, "represent two whole +counties, Clackmannan and Kinross, +and I have a bit of Stirling and Perth +and West Fife, and I am told I am to +be swept out of existence." Gazing at +his ample proportions the House felt +that the Boundary Commissioners will +have their work cut out for them.</p> +<p> +<i>Wednesday, June 13th</i>.—Considering +that barely three hours before the House +met the "Fort of London" had been +drenched with the "ghastly dew of +aerial navies" Members showed themselves +most uncommon calm. They +exhibited, however, a little extra interest +when any prominent personage +entered the House, showing that he at +least had escaped the bombs, and were +too busy comparing notes regarding +their personal experiences to ask many +Supplementary Questions.</p> +<p> +Even Mr. <span class="sc">Bonar Law's</span> announcement<span class="pagenum"><a name="page403" id="page403"></a>[pg 403]</span> +that <span class="sc">King Constantine</span> had +abdicated the throne of Greece passed +almost without remark; except that Mr. +<span class="sc">Swift MacNeill</span> anxiously inquired +whether Tino, having received the +Order of the Boot, would be allowed +to retain that of the Bath.</p> +<p> +The mystery of Lord <span class="sc">Northcliffe's</span> +visit to the United States has been +cleared up. Certain journals, believed +to enjoy his confidence, had described +him as "Mr. Balfour's successor." +Certain other journals, whose confidence +he does not enjoy, had declined +to believe this. The fact, as stated by +Mr. <span class="sc">Bonar Law</span>, is that "it is hoped +that Lord <span class="sc">Northcliffe</span> will be able +to carry on the work begun by Mr. +<span class="sc">Balfour</span> as head of the British Mission +in America." He is expected "to co-ordinate +and supervise the work of all +the Departmental Missions." It was +interesting to learn that his Lordship +"will have the right of communicating +direct with the <span class="sc">Prime Minister</span>"—a +thing which of course he has never +done before.</p> +<p> +<i>Thursday, June 14th</i>.—Mr. <span class="sc">Keating</span>, +having made the remarkable discovery +that the War has injured the prosperity +of Irish seaside resorts, demanded the +restoration of excursion trains and +season tickets. Mr. <span class="sc">George Roberts</span> +stoutly supported the Irish Railway +Executive Committee in its refusal to +encourage pleasure-traffic. His decision +received the involuntary support of Mr. +<span class="sc">MacVeagh</span>, who attempted to back up +his colleague by the singular argument +that the existing trains in Ireland ran +half-empty.</p> +<p> +The Lords spent the best part of a +sunny afternoon in discussing whether +or not the South-Eastern Eailway +should be allowed to bolster up the +Charing Cross railway bridge. In vain +Lord <span class="sc">Curzon</span>, flying in the face of his +Ministerial colleague, the <span class="sc">President +of the Board of Trade</span>, urged the +claims of Art; in vain he assured the +House that when <span class="sc">Wordsworth</span> wrote +of the view from Westminster, "Earth +has not anything to show more fair," +he was not thinking of that maroon-coloured +monstrosity. The majority of +their lordships, understanding that the +proposal had something to do with +"strengthening the piers," declined to +reject it.</p> + + <hr /> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 600px;"> +<a href="images/403-1.png"><img src="images/403-1-600.png" width="600" height="443" alt="And what did you say to Private Smith?" /></a> + +<p><i>Officer</i>. "<span class="sc">And what did you say to Private Smith?"</span></p> +<p><i>Witness</i> (<i>who had discovered prisoner milking cow belonging to French +farmer</i>). "<span class="sc">I told him to stop immediately and put the milk back.</span>"</p> +</div> + + <hr /> +<p> +We have received a copy of <i>The +Glasgow Weekly Herald</i>, dated "May +56, 1917." Trust a Scot to make a +good thing go as far as possible.</p> + + <hr /> + +<blockquote><p> +"Great jubilation prevailed amongst the +people at finding the children alive, and congratulations +were extended to their parents +that their little ones were not lost in the cavities +and chasms of Knocknatubber Mountain, +though straying thereon for upwards of 25 +years."—<i>Nenagh Guardian</i>. +</p></blockquote> +<p> +The young "Rips"!</p> + + <hr /> + +<span class="pagenum"><a name="page404" id="page404"></a>[pg 404]</span> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 600px;"> +<a href="images/404.png"><img src="images/404-600.png" width="600" height="340" alt="MARKER, HAND ME THE REST." /></a> + +<p><i>National Service Volunteer</i> (<i>late crack billiard player</i>). +"<span class="sc">Marker, hand me the rest</span>."</p> +</div> + +<hr /> + + +<h2>"IN PRIZE."</h2> + +<div class="poem"> +<div class="stanza"> + <p>A ship was built in Glasgow, and oh, she looked a daisy</p> + <p class="i2">(Just the way that some ships do!)</p> + <p>An' the only thing against 'er was she allus steered so crazy</p> + <p class="i2">(An' it's true, my Johnny Bowline, true!)</p></div> +<div class="stanza"> + <p>They sent 'er out in ballast to Oregon for lumber,</p> + <p>An' before she dropped 'er pilot she all but lost 'er number.</p></div> +<div class="stanza"> + <p>They sold 'er into Norway because she steered so funny,</p> + <p>An' she nearly went to glory before they drawed the money.</p></div> +<div class="stanza"> + <p>They sold 'er out o' Norway—they sold 'er into Chile,</p> + <p>An' Chile got a bargain because she steered so silly.</p></div> +<div class="stanza"> + <p>They chartered 'er to Germans with a bunch o' greasers forrard;</p> + <p>Old shellbacks wouldn't touch 'er because she steered so 'orrid.</p></div> +<div class="stanza"> + <p>She set a course for Bremen with contraband inside 'er,</p> + <p>An' she might 'ave got there some time if a cruiser 'adn't spied 'er. </p></div> +<div class="stanza"> + <p>She nearly drowned the boarders because she cut such capers,</p> + <p>But they found she was a German through inspectin' of 'er papers.</p></div> +<div class="stanza"> + <p>So they put a crew aboard 'er, which was both right an' lawful,</p> + <p>An' the prize crew 'ad a picnic, because she steered so awful.</p></div> +<div class="stanza"> + <p>But they brought 'er into Kirkwall, an' then they said, "Lord lumme,</p> + <p>If I ever see an 'ooker as steered so kind o' rummy!"</p></div> +<div class="stanza"> + <p>But she'll fetch 'er price at auction, for oh, she looks a daisy</p> + <p class="i2">(Just the way that some ships do!)</p> + <p>An' the chap as tops the biddin' won't know she steers so crazy</p> + <p class="i2">(But it's true, my Johnny Bowline, true!)</p></div> +<div class="stanza"> + +<p class="i32">C.F.S.</p> +</div> +</div> + +<hr /> + +<h2>TO MR. BALFOUR ON HIS RETURN.</h2> + +<div class="poem"> +<div class="stanza"> +<p>Our hearts go out with all our ships that plough the deadly sea,</p> +<p>But the ship that brought us safely back the only <span class="sc">Arthur B</span>.</p> +<p>Was freighted with good wishes in a very high degree.</p></div> +<div class="stanza"> +<p>There are heaps of politicians who can hustle and can shriek,</p> +<p>And some, though very strong in lung, in brains are very weak,</p> +<p>But A.J.B.'s equipment is admittedly unique.</p></div> +<div class="stanza"> +<p>His manners are delightful, and the workings of his mind</p> +<p>Have never shown the slightest trace of self-esteem behind;</p> +<p>Nor has he had at any time a private axe to grind.</p></div> +<div class="stanza"> +<p>For forty years and upwards he has graced the public scene</p> +<p>Without becoming sterilized or stiffened by routine;</p> +<p>He still retains his freshness and his brain is just as keen.</p></div> +<div class="stanza"> +<p>His credit was not shipwrecked on the fatal Irish reef;</p> +<p>He has always been a loyal and a sympathetic chief;</p> +<p>And he has also written <i>The Foundations of Belief</i>.</p></div> +<div class="stanza"> +<p>As leader of the Mission to our cousins and Allies,</p> +<p>We learn with satisfaction, but without the least surprise,</p> +<p>That he proved the very cynosure of Transatlantic eyes.</p></div> +<div class="stanza"> +<p>For the special brand of statesman <i>plus</i> aristocratic sage,</p> +<p>Like the model king-philosopher described in <span class="sc">Plato's</span> page,</p> +<p>Is uncommonly attractive in a democratic age.</p></div> +<div class="stanza"> +<p>"<span class="sc">Balfour</span> Must Go!" was once the cry of those who deemed him slack,</p> +<p>But now there's not a single scribe of that unruly pack</p> +<p>Who is not glad in every sense that <span class="sc">Balfour</span> has come back. </p></div> +<div class="stanza"> +<p>And as for his "successor"—the Napoleonic peer</p> +<p>Whose functions are restricted to a purely business sphere—</p> +<p>We must try to bear his absence in a spirit of good cheer.</p> +</div> +</div> + + <hr /> + + +<span class="pagenum"><a name="page405" id="page405"></a>[pg 405]</span> + +<h2>THE INFANTICIDE.</h2> +<p> +From an economic point of view it +was inexcusable. I can only hope that +the affair will never reach the ear of +the new <span class="sc">Food-Controller</span>. The chief +culprit was undoubtedly Joan minor—I +only became an accomplice after the +fact—and I can scarcely believe that +even a Food-Controller could be very +angry with Joan minor. For one thing +she really is so very minor. And then +there's her manner; in face of it severity, +as I have found, is out of the +question. Even Joan major, who has +been known to rout our charlady in +single combat, finds it irresistible. Indeed +when I taxed her with having +a hand in the crime she secured an +acquittal on the plea of duress.</p> +<p> +Ever since Joan minor arrived at +years of understanding the weeks preceding +the great day have been fraught +with a mystery in which I have no +share. Earnest conversations which +break off guiltily the moment I enter +the room; strained whisperings and +now and again little uncontrollable +giggles of ecstatic anticipation from +Joan minor—these are the signs that I +have learned to look for, and, being +well versed in my part, to ignore with a +sublime unconsciousness which should +make my fortune in a melodrama of +stage asides. And then, on the morning +of my birthday, the solemn ceremonial +of revelation, I would come in to breakfast, +to find a parcel lying by my +plate. At first I would not see it. In +a tense and unnatural silence Joan +minor would follow me with her eyes +while I opened the window a few inches, +closed it again, stroked the cat and +generally behaved as though sitting +down at table was the last thing I intended. +Then, when I did take my place, +"The post is early to-day," I would +say, pushing the parcel carelessly on +one side as I took up the paper, while +Joan minor hid her face in Joan major's +blouse lest her feelings should betray +her into premature speech. And at +last I would open it, and my amazement +and delight would know no +bounds. There was very little acting +needed for that. It is no small thing +to be spirited back to the age when +birthdays really matter.</p> +<p> +And so this year it was with a feeling +of having been cheated that I left +the house for the office, where, in company +with other old fogies and girl +clerks, I do my unambitious bit towards +downing the Hun. The premonitory +symptoms had seemed to me unusually +acute, but the morning had brought +no parcel. My years weighed on my +shoulders again, and I am afraid I was +more than a little tart with my typist.</p> +<p> +I was kept late for dinner, and when +I entered the room I found Joan minor +sitting in her place, her eyes bright +with expectation. Beside my place +was a covered muffin dish. There +was no dallying with the pleasure this +time, for I had suddenly become young +again, and could not have waited had +I tried. I lifted the cover, and there, +about the size of a well-nourished pea, +lay the first-fruit of Joan minor's peculiar +and personal allotment, prepared, +planted and dug by Joan minor's own +hands, a veritable and unmistakable +potato.</p> + + <hr /> + + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 400px;"> +<a href="images/405.png"><img src="images/405-391.png" width="391" height="450" alt="What sort of work do you feel fitted for?" /></a> + +<p><i>Official of Lady War-workers' Bureau</i>. +"<span class="sc">What sort of work do you feel fitted for</span>?"</p> + +<p><i>Applicant</i>. "<span class="sc">I don't quite know, but I want to wear these clothes</span>."</p> +</div> + + <hr /> + + +<h4>Our Official Pessimists.</h4> +<p> +From an Admiralty notice:—</p> + +<blockquote><p> +"It is to be particularly noted that entries +are only being made for 12 years' service, and +not for duration of war."—<i>Evening Paper</i>. +</p></blockquote> + + <hr /> + +<blockquote><p> +"Summoned at Barry for having driven a +horse whilst drunk, Antonio Millonas was +stated to have narrowly missed a policeman +and two children."—<i>Western Mail</i>. +</p></blockquote> +<p> +We are all in favour of prohibition for +horses.</p> + + <hr /> + +<h2>IN A GOOD CAUSE.</h2> +<p> +The Newport Market Army Training +School, Greencoat Place, Westminster, +which has for over fifty years +been training homeless and destitute +boys to become soldiers of the <span class="sc">King</span>, +and has sent over two thousand into +the Army, is in great need of funds. +Mr. Punch cordially supports the appeal +of the President of the School, +H.R.H. the Duke of <span class="sc">Connaught</span>, who +"sincerely hopes the public will generously +support an Institution that has +for so many years quietly and unobtrusively +furnished a Christian home and +education to poor and outcast lads, and +has supplied the Army with so many +good and gallant soldiers."</p> +<p> +Donations and inquiries should be +addressed to the Secretary, the Rev. +H.A. <span class="sc">Wilson</span>, 20, Great Peter Street, +Westminster, S.W.1.</p> + + <hr /> + +<h4>A Credit to the Commonwealth.</h4> + +<blockquote><p> +"<span class="sc">Cockatoo</span>, Australian, splendid talker, does +not swear."—<i>Newcastle Evening Chronicle</i>. +</p></blockquote> + + <hr /> + + +<span class="pagenum"><a name="page406" id="page406"></a>[pg 406]</span> + +<h2>THE HAT AND THE VISIT.</h2> +<p> +"Francesca," I said, "does my hat really look all right?"</p> +<p> +When I put this momentous question we were in a train, +being bound on a visit to Frederick at his preparatory +school. A sudden doubt had just assailed me as to my +presentability. Should I, as a father, be looked upon as a +credit or a disgrace to my son? Francesca took some time +before she answered my question. Then she spoke.</p> +<p> +"Your hat," she said, "is well enough."</p> +<p> +"I see what it is," I said; "you think I ought to have +worn a top-hat. There are still occasions when a top-hat +may, nay, must be worn; and this, you think, is one of +them. There are solemnities and venerations that only a +top-hat can inspire in the naturally irreverent mind of +youth. A father in any other hat is a ridiculously youthful +object and has no business to inflict himself on his son. +Very well. I would not for worlds spoil Frederick's half-holiday +by shaming him in the eyes of his schoolfellows."</p> +<p> +"What do you propose to do about it, then? You can't +alter your hat now."</p> +<p> +"No," I said, "I can't; but I can get out of the train at +the next station and go home and leave you in your comparative +spickness and your relative spanness to spend your +afternoon with the boy. Or, stay, there must be a shop in +Belfield where top-hats can be bought. It is a cathedral +city and possesses dignitaries of the Church who still wear +top-hats, and——"</p> +<p> +"But those are special top-hats. You couldn't go to +Frederick in a bishop's hat, now could you?"</p> +<p> +"No-o-o," I said doubtfully, "perhaps I couldn't. But +suppose I wore the gaiters too—wouldn't that make it +all right?"</p> +<p> +"I should like," she said, "to see Frederick's face on +perceiving the new bishop."</p> +<p> +"Francesca," I said, "you talk as if no boys ever had +bishops for their fathers. Let me assure you, on the contrary, +that there are many bishops who have large families +of both sexes. I once stayed with a bishop, and I never +heard anybody attempt to make a mockery of his gaiters."</p> +<p> +"But they were his own. He couldn't be a bishop +without them."</p> +<p> +"That fact doesn't render them immune from laughter. +My present hat, for instance, is my own, and yet you have +been laughing at it ever since I called your attention to it."</p> +<p> +"Not at all; I have been admiring it. I said it was well +enough, and so it is. What more can you want?"</p> +<p> +"I only hope," I said, "that Frederick will think so too. +It would be too painful to dash the cup of half-holiday joy +from a boy's lips by wearing an inappropriate hat."</p> +<p> +"You're too nervous altogether about the impression +you're going to make on Frederick. Take example by me. +I've got a hat on."</p> +<p> +"You have," I said fervently. "It has grazed my face +more than once."</p> +<p> +"It is feeding," she said, "on your damask cheek. But +I'm quite calm in spite of it."</p> +<p> +"But then," I said, "you never knew Rowell."</p> +<p> +"No. Who was he?"</p> +<p> +"Rowell," I said, "was a schoolfellow of mine, and he +had a father."</p> +<p> +"Marvellous! And a mother too, I suppose."</p> +<p> +"Yes," I said, "but she doesn't come into the story. +Rowell's father had a passion, it appears, for riding, and +one dreadful afternoon, when we were playing cricket, he +rode into the cricket-field. <i>He was wearing trousers, and +his trousers had rucked up to his knees.</i> It was a terrific +sight, and, though we all pretended not to see and were +very sorry for young Rowell, he felt the blow most keenly. +I hope my hat won't be like Rowell's father's trousers."</p> +<p> +"It isn't a bit like them yet," said Francesca.</p> +<p class="author"> +R.C.L.</p> + + <hr /> + + <table width="600px" align="center" summary="cartoon" border="0"> +<tr> + <td class="left" width="300px" valign="top"><a href="images/406-1.png"><img src="images/406-1-300.png" width="300" height="315" alt="But surely, Thompson ... you ought to remember where you put my horse." border="0" /></a> +<br /> +<i>Officer</i>. "<span class="sc">But surely, Thompson, if these mud-billets +<i>are</i> all alike you ought to remember where you put +my horse</span>——"</td> + <td width="300px" valign="top"><a href="images/406-2.png"><img src="images/406-2-300.png" width="300" height="315" alt="Here he is, Sir." border="0" /></a> +<br /> +<i>Batman</i>. "<span class="sc">Here he is, Sir</span>."</td> +</tr> +</table> + + +<br /> + + <hr /> +<blockquote><p> +"Fireman wanted; consuming under 50 tons; wages 30s." +</p></blockquote> +<p> +Under the present system of rationing, this demand for +moderation does not seem excessive.</p> + + <hr /> + + +<span class="pagenum"><a name="page407" id="page407"></a>[pg 407]</span> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 600px;"> +<a href="images/407.png"><img src="images/407-600.png" width="600" height="402" alt="Ye'll be a main clever little fellow, then. They was turmuts when I put 'em in last back end." /></a> + +<p><i>Inspecting Officer</i>. "<span class="sc">It's no use your telling me you haven't +got any potatoes about the place. If you hold the end of +this tape I'll very soon tell you how many you have here</span>."</p> +<p> +<i>Farmer</i>. "<span class="sc">Ye'll be a main clever little fellow, then. They was turmuts when +I put 'em in last back end</span>."</p> +</div> + + <hr /> + + +<h2>OUR BOOKING-OFFICE.</h2> +<p class="center"> +(<i>By Mr. Punch's Staff of Learned Clerks</i>.) </p> +<p> +It is my deliberate verdict that Mr. E.F. <span class="sc">Benson</span> is (as +my old nurse used to express it) "in league with Somebody +he oughtn't." I hope, however, that he will understand +this for the extorted compliment that it is, and not magic +me into something unpleasant, or (more probably) write +another book to prove to my own dissatisfaction that I am +everything I least wish to be. That indeed is the gravamen +of my charge: the diabolic ingenuity with which he makes +not so much our pleasant vices as our little almost-virtues +into whips to scourge us with. All this has been wrung +from me by the perusal of <i>Mr. Teddy</i> (<span class="sc">Fisher Unwin</span>). +Even now I can't make up my mind whether I like it or +not. The first half, which might be called a satire on the +folly of being forty and not realising it, depressed me profoundly. +I need not perhaps enlarge upon the reason. +Later, Mr. <span class="sc">Benson</span> made a very clever return upon the +theme; and, with a touch of real beauty, brought solace to +poor <i>Mr. Teddy</i> and consolation to the middle-aged reader. +I need give you only a slight indication of the plot, which +is simplicity itself. Into the self-contained little community +of a provincial society, where to have once been +young is to retain a courtesy title to perpetual youth, there +arrives suddenly the genuine article, a boy and girl still in +the springtime of life, by contrast with whom the preserved +immaturity of <i>Mr. Teddy</i> and his partner, <i>Miss Daisy</i>, is +shown for an artificial substitute. Baldly stated, the thesis +sounds cynical and a little cruel; actually, however, you +will here find Mr. <span class="sc">Benson</span> in a kindlier mood than he sometimes +consents to indulge. He displays, indeed, more than +a little fondness for his disillusioned hero; the fine spirit +with which <i>Mr. Teddy</i> faces at last the inevitable is a sure +proof of the author's sympathy.</p> + + <hr /> +<p> +You will hardly have traversed the passages of our underground +railway system without being hurriedly aware in +passing of a picture in reds and browns, representing a +faun-like figure piping to an audience of three rather self-conscious +rabbits. This pleasing group does not portray +an actual scene from <i>Autumn</i> (<span class="sc">Lane</span>), but is rather to be +taken as symbolic of the atmosphere of Miss <span class="sc">Muriel +Hine's</span> latest book. The faun, I imagine, stands for <i>Rollo</i>, +the middle-aged lover of the country, into whose happy life +other, more human, loves break with such devastation. +What the rabbits mean is a more difficult problem. I jest; +but as a matter of fact I should be the first to admit that +Miss <span class="sc">Hine</span> has written a story that, despite a certain +crudity of colouring, is both unconventional and alive. The +attitude of the characters towards their parents, for example, +is at least original. <i>Deirdre</i>, the heroine, frankly despised her +mother, to whom she owed a marriage with the man whom +she hated. The gift of a country cottage enabled her to +escape from him to rabbits (figurative) and the simpler +life. There, however, she fell in with <i>Rollo</i>, who loved her +at sight, and whose daughter, <i>Hyacinth</i>, adored her father, +but quite blandly deceived him about her own amorous +adventures. A pretty tangle, you observe, and I am not +sure that I can wholly acquit the author of some cowardice +in her manner of cutting it. But undoubtedly <i>Autumn</i> +remains a story to read, and remember.</p> + + <hr /> +<p> +Since Mr. H. <span class="sc">Perry Robinson's</span> name must be familiar<span class="pagenum"><a name="page408" id="page408"></a>[pg 408]</span> +to most of us by now as that of one of the very select company +of journalists who monopolise seats at the Front, one +naturally turns with interest from his daily despatches to a +sustained narrative. His account of last year's battle of the +Somme, which he names <i>The Turning Point</i> (<span class="sc">Heinemann</span>), +is as lively and vigorous a recital as can well be imagined +of events hardly the less thrilling because already well-known. +Although he disclaims expert knowledge of strategies, +he is at least uncommonly well qualified to appraise +the things he saw. "Before July, 1916, our Army," he says, +"was like a small hoy hoping to grow up and be big enough +to lick a bully some day. Told to attack him before he felt +sure of his own strength, the small boy would not have +been sorry to wait a bit longer, but the pressure against +Verdun and against the Russians had to be relieved, and so +with steadily increasing skill and confidence the attack was +made, and day after day fresh units proved themselves +more than a match for the enemy." The result was a +series of victories—Mametz, Contalmaison, Pozières, Guillemont, +Thiepval, Beaumont-Hamel—and the writer is able +to associate with each immortal name the regiments +there engaged, all heroes, for "there were no stragglers." +Indeed, if there is a weakness in the book it is that the +insistent recording of the individual heroism of different +battalions tends to become monotonous. But what a fault! +It is a monotony of Britishvalour crowned by a monotony +of British triumph.</p> + + <hr /> +<p> +A point that will hardly avoid your notice in the plot +of <i>In the Night</i> (<span class="sc">Longmans</span>), +by Mr. R. <span class="sc">Gorell Barnes</span> +(now Lord <span class="sc">Gorell</span>), is the +exiguous part played in its elucidation by the Great +Investigator, who (as usual) happens to be on the spot +and able to place his services at the disposal of the local +authorities. It is, I suppose due to the Sherlockian tradition +these unhappy persons, the local detectives, +must always be supplemented by a superior and +high-handed expert. I think, from his preface, that the +author does not quite share my own taste in such +matters, since he promises that his Investigator shall +keep no secrets and observe nothing withheld from the +eye of the reader. So faithful is the author to this undertaking +that he practically keeps his expert hanging about +with the unenlightened crowd, while another character, in +light-hearted amateur enthusiasm, does all the work. But +of course, in a tale of this kind, the only thing that really +matters is the one question of spotting the criminal, or +who killed Cock Robin. Naturally I am not going to +spoil your fun over this by any officious whisperings. As +you probably know, the one safe rule in such matters is to +concentrate upon Cæsar's wife; and even in repeating this +antique maxim I may have betrayed too much. Forget it, +and you may find what happened <i>In the Night</i> a sufficiently +intriguing problem to provide a pleasant bedtime entertainment +that will leave your subsequent repose unimpaired.</p> + + <hr /> +<p> +In deciding to add to what one may call the fiction of +Metropolitan Adventures, whereof <i>The New Arabian Nights</i> +may be regarded as both the model and the prototype, the +author of <i>The London Nights of Belsize</i> (<span class="sc">Lane</span>) has undertaken +a task which is both easy and difficult—easy because +a sophisticated style and a lively imagination are the only +essential qualifications, and difficult because it involves +competition with a perfect galaxy of distinguished authors. +There is always room for more of it, however, and, if +Mr. <span class="sc">Vernon Rendall</span> disappoints us, it is not merely +because the standard has been set unusually high. His +style is smooth and assured, and, though somewhat lacking +in humour, his touch is light and pleasing. He begins +well and interests us in his principal character so that we +look forward with zest to the adventures of a personality +which is everything that this sort of fiction requires. +Here unfortunately the matter ends. <i>Belsize</i>, who promises +so much, has no adventures worth the name. It is true +that he rescues the <i>Prince of Mingrelia</i>, runs to earth a +gang of highly-educated and æsthetic criminals, and does +other things that we properly expect such men to do. But +there is no excitement about his methods. Not to put too +fine a point on it, the author of <i>Belsize</i> lacks the true imagination +that makes the unreal seem real—a very different +thing from the imagination which merely clothes realities +in a garment of mystery. Notwithstanding this defect, <i>The +London Nights of Belsize</i> should wile away an hour or +so very pleasantly.</p> + + <hr /> +<p> +If <i>A Regimental Surgeon in War and Prison</i> (<span class="sc">Murray</span>) +does not create so profound an impression as it would have done two years ago, +the reason must be that our capacity for disgust at Hunnish +cruelty is exhausted by the demands already made +upon it. Captain <span class="sc">Dolbey</span> was in the Mons retreat and +assisted at what he calls "the Miracle of the Marne," +and in writing of these events he shows a real knowledge +of both friend and foe. Taken prisoner under circumstances +entirely creditable to himself, he saw the inside +of German prison-camps, and suffered the indignities +and horrors for which these places have so justly become +infamous. His experiences are described with an almost +judicial calmness. In one case of childish revenge I trust +that the sufferers were sustained by a sense of humour. +When the picture of a "Prussian family having its morning +hate" appeared, the prisoners were punished by having their +deck-chairs confiscated. Mr. Punch, while deeply regretting +this vicarious expiation of his offence, cannot help +deriving some solace from the thought that he succeeded +in penetrating the hide of these Teuton pachyderms. When, +for a change, Captain <span class="sc">Dolbey</span> received a kindness from +German hands he acknowledges it frankly. He also makes +one or two suggestions which I sincerely hope will be considered +by those who are in a position to deal with them. +Altogether an illuminating book.</p> + + <hr /> +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 410px;"> +<a href="images/408.png"><img src="images/408-409.png" width="409" height="450" alt="Please would you throw over our little boy's Zeppelin?" /></a> + +<p><i>Delighted Patriot (after three days' absence)</i>. "<span class="sc">Not much to +fear from u-boats if we can grow food at this rate</span>!"</p> + +<p><i>Voice from, above</i>. "<span class="sc">Please would you throw over our +little boy's Zeppelin</span>?"</p> +</div> + + <hr /> + + + + + + + + + + + + + +<pre> + + + + + +End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. +152, June 20, 1917, by Various + +*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH, OR THE LONDON *** + +***** This file should be named 17629-h.htm or 17629-h.zip ***** +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: + http://www.gutenberg.org/1/7/6/2/17629/ + +Produced by Jonathan Ingram, Lesley Halamek and the Online +Distributed Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net + + +Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions +will be renamed. + +Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no +one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation +(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without +permission and without paying copyright royalties. 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