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diff --git a/17629-8.txt b/17629-8.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..e29c31a --- /dev/null +++ b/17629-8.txt @@ -0,0 +1,2030 @@ +The Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 152, +June 20, 1917, by Various + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 152, June 20, 1917 + +Author: Various + +Editor: Owen Seaman + +Release Date: January 29, 2006 [EBook #17629] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1 + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH, OR THE LONDON *** + + + + +Produced by Jonathan Ingram, Lesley Halamek and the Online +Distributed Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net + + + + + + +PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. + +VOL. 152. + + +June 20th, 1917. + + + + +=CHARIVARIA.= + + +A man who purchased sandwiches at a railway restaurant and afterwards +threw them into the road was fined five shillings at Grimsby Police +Court last week. His explanation--that he did not know they might +injure the road--was not accepted by the Court. + + * * * + +We cannot help thinking that too much fuss has been made about trying +to stop Messrs. RAMSAY MACDONALD and JOWETT from leaving England. So +far as we can gather they did not threaten to return to this country +afterwards. + + * * * + +A North of England man, obviously wishing to appear unusual, still +persists in the stupid story that he did not hear the Messines +explosion. + + * * * + +We can think of no finer example of the humility of true greatness +than KING CONSTANTINE'S decision to abdicate. + + * * * + +There were forty thousand fewer paupers in 1916 than in 1915, +according to figures recently published. The difference is accounted +for by the number of revue-writers who have resumed their agricultural +occupations. + + * * * + +In a small town in Australia, says a news item, over two tons of mice +were killed in two days. For some unknown reason, which perhaps the +Censor can explain, the name of the cat is withheld. + + * * * + +"Eliminate the middleman," demands a contemporary. It might prove a +simpler affair, after all, than the present system of suppressing the +inner man. + + * * * + +Mr. GINNELL, M.P., is responsible for the statement that "bringing +an action against the police in Ireland is like bringing one against +Satan in hell." The chief obstacle in the latter case is of course the +total absence of learned counsel in that locality. + + * * * + +The KAISER, it appears, has lost no time in commiserating with his +troops on their magnificent victory at Messines. + + * * * + +The title which Mr. JOHN HASSALL wrote under one of his sketches +suggested the words for a song which has now been written. It is +only fair to the artist to say that he was not aware that his quite +innocent title would lead to this. + + * * * + +The National Service staff at St. Ermin's Hotel, Westminster, has been +reduced by half. It is now expected that the unemployed half will +volunteer for National Service. + + * * * + +Berlin announces that all through-lines in Germany are running. The +case of the HINDENBURG Line seems to be infectious. + + * * * + +"No cheese," says _The Evening News_, "has quite the bite of Cheddar." +At the same time, unless it wags its tail to show that it is friendly, +we feel that every cheese with a bite like that would be much safer if +muzzled. + + * * * + +Triplets were born in Manchester last week. The father is going on as +well as can be expected. + + * * * + +Complaint has been made by a member of the Hounslow Burial Committee +of courting couples occupying seats in the cemetery. The killjoy! + + * * * + +We can only suppose it was the hot weather that tempted a newsagent +correspondent to ask whether Lord NORTHCLIFFE had gone to America on +"sail or return." + + * * * + +Mr. BALFOUR, we are told, while staying at Washington, visited eleven +public buildings and interviewed nine representative Americans on one +day. There is some talk of his being elected an honorary American. + + * * * + +We wish to deny the foolish rumour that when he arrived in London +from his American tour and was asked if he had had a good voyage, +he remarked, "Sure thing, sonny. All the little Mister Congressmen +gathered around, and it suited your Uncle Dudley very nicely and some +more. Yep!" + + * * * + +An old lady was recently fined two pounds for putting out crumbs for +birds. Had the bread-crumbs been put outside, instead of inside, the +birds, no offence, it seems, would have been committed. + + * * * + +Newspapers in Germany may now be sold only to subscribers for one +month or more. A similar measure for England is opposed on the ground +that it would be most inadvisable to check the practice at present in +vogue among patriotic supporters of the Coalition Government of buying +_The Morning Post_ and _The Daily News_ on alternate days. + + * * * + +Bobbing for eels is being pursued with much enthusiasm on the Norfolk +Broads. Two-bobbing for haddocks in Kensington is sport enough for +most of us. + + * * * + +Large numbers of the German prisoners taken at Messines wore new boots +and new uniforms. Other improvements included a less ragged rendering +of the well-known recitation, "Kamerad!" + + * * * + +Asked what bait could be used for coarse fish, the late +FOOD-CONTROLLER suggested one "made from bran, with a limited quantity +of oatmeal." The correspondent has now written to inquire whether the +fish have been officially informed of the new diet. + + * * * + +Four shillings a hundredweight is being paid for old omnibus tickets, +but there are still a few people who use these vehicles for pleasure, +without any motive of gain. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Visitor_. "YES, BUT WHAT'S THE POINT OF WHITEWASHING +THE TREE TRUNKS?" + +_Amateur Gardener_. "I CAN'T SAY FOR CERTAIN; BUT I _THINK_ THE IDEA +IS TO KEEP THE BATS FROM KNOCKING THEIR HEADS IN THE DARK."] + + * * * * * + +=Suspended Animation.= + + "LAUNDRY.--Girl to hang up and make herself useful."--_Liverpool + Echo_. + + * * * * * + + "For myself, I have very good reasons for not being in khaki. I + live on a farm near the Grand Falls of the St. John River. These + falls are second to Niagara in size and splendour, and attract + visitors from all over the country."--_Canadian Paper_. + +He must have told the recruiting-officer that he was subject to +cataract. + + * * * * * + + +=T.M.G.= + + Farewell, my CONSTANTINE! A guardian navy + Facilitates your exit on the blue; + For Greece has been this long while in the gravy + And he that put her there was plainly you; + "TINO MUST GO!" was writ for all to see, + Or, briefly, "T.M.G." + + Whither, dear Sir, do you propose to sally? + To Switzerland's recuperative air, + To sip condensed milk in a private chalet + Or pluck the lissom chamois from his lair, + Or on the summit of a neutral Alp + Recline your crownless scalp? + + Or did you ask from him you love so dearly + A royal haven fenced from rude alarms, + Even though WILLIAM should reserve you merely + A bedroom at "The Hohenzollern Arms," + Having for poor relations on the loose + No sort of further use? + + Beware! I gather he might clasp his TINO + Only too warmly to his heaving chest, + Saying, "O how reward such merits? _We_ know! + Thou shalt command an Army in the West! + Yes, thou shalt bear upon the British Front + The pick of all the brunt." + + Frankly, if I were you, I wouldn't chance it. + Fighting has never really been your forte; + Witness Larissa, and your rapid transit, + Chivied by slow foot-sloggers of the Porte; + Far better make for Denmark o'er the foam; + There is no place like home. + + Try some ancestral palace, well-appointed; + For choice the one where _Hamlet_ nursed his spite, + Who found the times had grown a bit disjointed + And he was not the man to put 'em right; + And there consult on that enchanted shore + The ghosts of Elsinore. + +O.S. + + * * * * * + + +=LESSONS OF THE WAR.= + +I. + +(_Acting upon instructions received from the 3rd Self-help Division +the 9th Self-help Brigade issues its orders for a Raid._) + + 9TH SELF-HELP BRIGADE OPERATION ORDER No. 49. + _August 1st, 1920_. + +Ref. Maps. LONDON 1/40000 shoot 27^d S.W. and (Special) 1/500 +(BROADMEAD). + +1. The 9th Self-help Brigade will carry out a Raid upon BROADMEAD +HOUSE, BROADMEAD SQUARE, W., on the night of 12/13 August. + +2. The Raid will be carried out by the BILL SIKES and ROBIN HOOD +Battalions. The CHARLIE PEACE Bn. will be in close support, and the +DICK TURPIN Bn. in reserve. + +3. The four sides of the house will be attacked simultaneously, the +BILL SIKES Bn. attacking with one Coy. each on the North and West, and +the ROBIN HOOD on the South and East. + +4. The noise of entry will be covered by a barrage of street cries and +taxi whistles. "Q." will arrange. + +5. Zero hour will be notified later. + +6. The grounds and approaches will be reconnoitred thoroughly and as +many friends as possible made in the neighbourhood. Every opportunity +of reconnoitring the house itself, either through friendship or by +substitution for legitimate plumbers, window-cleaners, piano-tuners, +etc., will be taken. + +7. The Brigades on the Right and Left will co-operate by starting a +street fight and a small fire respectively at some convenient distance +from the scene of operations. + +8. At Zero _minus_ one hour, a cordon of outposts will be established +at a radius of 500 yards from the house, with strong points at the +street corners. "Q." will arrange for a supply of hedging-gloves. + +9. The general scheme of approach will be on the lines as laid down in +the "Self-help Corps Standard Formation of Attack" (OK 340/CV/429). + +10. Commanding Officers will submit a detailed scheme for the attack +(with sketch maps) not later than 4 P.M. on August 6th. + +11. Mopping-up parties will be detailed to deal with all dug-outs +known to be occupied. Prisoners will not be taken, but undue roughness +is to be discouraged as likely to bring discredit upon the service. +Steps will be taken, however, to ensure the immediate, if temporary, +silence of the obstreperous. O.C. Chloroform will arrange. + +12. The Dog emplacement at G 36 A 0.8 will be dealt with by the +Brigade Dog-fancier. + +13. Brigade Cooks will be detailed in specified areas to act as decoys +for Policemen. + +14. All information as to the plans, intentions, appearance, habits +and dispositions of inhabitants will be found in Appendix I. Some +good interior photographs of the house have been obtained by Corps +photographers acting as window-cleaners. + +15. As foreshadowed in the Self-help Corps Intelligence Summary of +June 29th most of the family will be away at the seaside by the date +fixed for the Raid. + +16. A teetotal Guard will be placed over all cellars. + +17. Advanced Report Centre will be at G 25 D 93 ("The Peck and +Jackdaw"). + +18. A site for a forward dump will be chosen--preferably on the +BAYSWATER-BROADMEAD Road. "Q" will arrange. + +19. Practice Raids will be carried out upon a model of the objective +which will be erected at the depot. + +20. Parties detailed for Glass-cutting, Safe-opening, etc., etc., will +draw the necessary tools from the Main Dump at K 25 A on the 12th +inst. "Q" will arrange. + +21. Dress: Fighting Order with Rubber Soles. + +22. A non-committal hot meal (without onions) will be served to all +before starting. "Q" will arrange. + +23. Results of the Raid will be collected and dumped at Advanced +Brigade dump at G 36 A. "Q" will arrange for necessary transport. +Distribution of proceeds will be made in accordance with G.R.O. 15. +"_G_" _Staff will arrange_. + +24. Please acknowledge. _Issued at 5.15 P.M._ + + Copies to + Diary I. + Diary II., etc., etc. + + * * * * * + + "Detroit aldermen yesterday adopted a resolution asking for the + freedom of Ireland from British rule. + + It is addressed to the president and was introduced by Alderman + Walsh. + + Other Irish patriots eager for the freedom of Erin who did sign + the resolution were Jacob Guthard, William H.C. Hinkle, Joseph H. + Bahorski, Joseph A. Miotke, Anthony Nowe, Herman Zink, Charles + Braun, Charles A. Kocher, Oscar A. Dodt, John C. Bleil, Ralph G. + Mitter, Alexander Dill, John A. Kronk, Herman Schultz, Albert G. + Kunz, Frederick W. Wendell and Oscar Riopelle." + + _Detroit Free Press_. + +Your true Irish patriot doesn't mind what country he comes from. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: HOIST WITH HIS OWN PETARD. + +MR. RAMSAY MACDONALD (_Champion of Independent Labour_). "OF COURSE +I'M ALL FOR PEACEFUL PICKETING--ON PRINCIPLE. BUT IT MUST BE APPLIED +TO THE PROPER PARTIES."] + + * * * * * + + +=BLANCHE'S LETTERS.= + +WAR FEVER. + +_Park Lane_. + +[Illustration: THE LAST STRAW.] + +Dearest DAPHNE,--Juno ffarrington's wedding to the Oldcastles' boy, +Portcullis, the other day, quite the best done of Allotment Weddings +that are having a little vogue just now. Juno's white satin gown was +embroidered with mustard and cress and spring onions in their natural +colours, her veil was kept in place by a coronal of lettuce leaves, +and, instead of a Prayer-Book or a posy, she carried a little +ivory-and-silver spade. The effect was _absolutely!_ The 'maids had on +Olga's latest in Allotment Wedding frocks, carried out in potato-brown +charmeuse and cabbage-green chiffon; also they'd garden-hats, tied +under the chin with ribbon-grass and with a big cluster of radishes at +the left side, and each of them carried a bunch of small salad and a +darling little crystal-and-silver watering-pot (Portcullis's gifts). +The Duke of Southlands gave his daughter away, and Juno _insisted_ on +his wearing a smock-frock and carrying a trowel, and just as the dear +Bishop said, "Who giveth this woman?" the poor old darling dropped his +trowel with a crash and rather spoilt things. + +The wedding-cake was a great big war loaf stuck with flags. Juno cut +it in old-fashioned style with Portcullis's sword. While we were doing +ourselves well with war-bread and margarine, boiled eggs and plenty of +champagne, the Controller of Wedding Breakfasts blew in (it's a new +post, and he's two hundred and fifty able-bodied young assistants). +He was curious to see what we were having, and cautioned us against +throwing any rice after our bride and 'groom. "But how absurd, you +ricky person!" chipped in Popsy, Lady Ramsgate, who, of course, is +Juno's great-aunt. "_We_ never throw rice at our wedding-people! +_That_'s only done by the outlying tribes of barbarians." It was a +pity she attracted his notice, for he was down on her directly for +having on a toque almost entirely made of young turnips and carrots. +He said it was "an infraction of rule 150, cap. 4,500 of the Safety of +the Empire Act, forbidding the use of the people's food for personal +adornment." + +The Allotment expression, which is the correct one now, is a look of +interest and expectation, because what one's planted is coming up. +_Some_ people rather spoil their Allotment expression by a _puzzled_ +look. _Et pourquoi_? dear, they've _quite_ forgotten what they +planted, and, though they _pretend_ they know _exactly_ what it is +that's coming up, they really haven't the slightest! + +My last photo is considered to show the Allotment expression in utter +perfection. (It's been in _People of Position, Mayfair Murmurs_, and +several other weeklies.) I'm standing in my potato-patch (my Allotment +toilette is finished off by a pair of _enthralling_ little hob-nailed +boots!) and I'm holding a rake and a hoe and a digging-fork in one +hand and a garden-hose in the other; there's a wheel-barrow beside me, +and I'm looking at the potato-plants with the _true_ Allotment smile, +my dearest. I sent a copy of this picky to Norty, and under it I wrote +those famous last words of some celebrated Frenchman (I forget whether +it was MOLIÈRE or MIRABEAU or NAPOLEON): "_Je vais chercher un grand +peut-être!_" + +Wee-Wee is frightfully worried about Bo-Bo being so overworked. He +used to be at the head of the Department for Telling People What to +Do, and he and his five hundred assistants were worked half dead; +and _now_ he's at the head of a still newer department, the one for +Telling People What They're _Not_ to Do, and, though he's eight +hundred clerks to help him, Wee-Wee says the strain is too great for +words. He goes to Whitehall at ten every day and comes back at three! +And then he has the Long-Ago treatment that's being used so much now +for war-frayed nerves. The idea is to get people as far away from the +present as poss. So when Bo-Bo comes in from Whitehall he lies down on +a fearful old worm-eaten oak settle in a dim room hung with moth-eaten +tapestry, and Wee-Wee reads CHAUCER to him, and sings ghastly little +folk-songs, accompanying herself on a thing called a _crwth_--(it's a +tremendously primitive sort of harp, but I can't believe that even a +_crwth_ meant to make such a horrible noise as Wee-Wee makes on it!). +Myself, I don't consider Bo-Bo a bit the better for the Long-Ago +treatment, and there's certainly a wild look in his eyes that wasn't +there before! + +_M'amie_, would you like to hear the simply _odious_ storyette of +Somebody's Cousin? Well, so you shall. Somebody is by way of being an +intimate foe of mine, and Somebody's Cousin has long been a thorn in +the flesh and a shaking of the head to his people. Before the War +he belonged to the League for Taking Everything Lying Down, the +Fellowship for Preventing People from Standing up against Foreign +Aggression, and the Brotherhood for Giving up All Our Advantages to +Aliens. He was of military age, and when war came, after giving vent +to some completely detestable sentiments, he crossed to the U.S. and +naturalised himself there, constantly attacking the country that was +unlucky enough to produce him. + +[Illustration: _Recruit_. "EXCUSE ME, SIR, I FEEL GREATLY EXHAUSTED BY +THIS EXERCISE." + +_Instructor_. "DO YOU, DEARIE? WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO PLAY AT? +KISS-IN-THE-RING?"] + +When the U.S. came in, he shed his citizenship in a hurry, fled to +South America, and naturalised himself in a republic that had sworn +by all its gods to keep out of the War _à tout prix_. This republic, +however, changed its mind later and followed its big northern brother +into the War, _et voilà_! Somebody's Cousin was at a loose end again. +He afterwards naturalised himself in half-a-dozen small far-away +nations that all finally came in, and _then, chérie_, he drifted down +to the islands of the South Pacific (the favourite ocean of _his_ +sort!) and had himself made an Ollyoola. (The Ollyoolas are a tribe +that has _never in all its past history_ been known to go to war). He +was made an Ollyoola with all the native rites, dancing and shrieking +and so on, and he wore the correct Ollyoola dress (a few shells and +his hair trained on sticks to stand straight up). + +And _now_ comes the point of this storyette: Only a few weeks after +Somebody's Cousin had become a full-blooded Ollyoola (I think +that's the proper phrase), the Ollyoolas suddenly fell out with the +Patti-Tattis (on the next island) and went to war, for _absolutely the +first time_, with a _ferocity_, my Daphne, that seems to have been +saving up through all their centuries of peacefulness! + +Nothing's been heard since of Somebody's Cousin! + + Ever thine, + BLANCHE. + + * * * * * + + "AIRMEN'S ORDEAL IN THE NORTH SEA. + + FIVE DAYS ON A PIECE OF CHOCOLATE." + + _Continental Daily Mail_. + +Rather a precarious perch. + + * * * * * + + "'GIB.' SHELLS FALL IN MOROCCO. + + MADRID.--Near Algeciras 20 shells fell from the batteries of + Gibraltar. There were no victims, and no damage was caused. + The authorities at Gibraltar have given satisfactory + explanations."--_Evening Paper_. + +Still, we should like to know the nature of the explosive that blew +Algeciras across the Straits. + + * * * * * + + +KINSMEN AND NAMESAKES. + +An official circular, commenting on the presentation at the Scala, in +film form, of _The Crisis_, by Mr. WINSTON CHURCHILL, the American +novelist, adds the interesting statement, "the author is of course a +distant cousin of the Right Hon. Winston Churchill, M.P."; This sounds +a little ungracious. Why "of course _distant_?" But perhaps the gifted +novelist shares the opinion held by Lord BERESFORD of the politician +who did not write _The Crisis_, but is always trying to make one. + + * * * * * + +From the account of a military wedding in _The West London Press_:-- + + "The bridegroom was wearing a simple draped gown of lavender-blue + crepe georgette, with a mushroom-shaped hat in the same shade, + wreathed with small coloured flowers and draped with a blue lace + veil." + +Some mufti! + + * * * * * + + "When the Lord Provost ruled that the mater was not urgent, the + Labourists created something of a scene."--_Glasgow Citizen_. + +Quite justifiably, in view of the imminence of "Baby Week." + + * * * * * + + +=THE DISSUADERS.= + +For many years--ever since the first piece of chalk was applied to +the first wall and advertising began its bombastic career--the +advertiser's tendency has been to commend his wares, if not to excess, +at any rate with no want of generosity. Everyone must have noticed it. +But war changes many things besides Cabinets, and if the paper +famine is to continue there will shortly be a totally novel kind of +advertising to be seen, where dissuasion holds the highest place. For +unless something happens those journals which have already done +much to reduce circulation will have to do more and actually decry +themselves. Such counsels as those which follow may before long meet +the eyes, and, it is possible, influence the minds, of the great +B.P.:-- + + * * * + + THE PROPRIETORS OF + + _THE TIMES_ + + Urge you to spend your money + elsewhere. + + _THE TIMES_ + + may have the best foreign correspondence, + the latest news, the greatest + variety of letters (in types of all sizes), + the funniest dramatic criticisms, the + sternest leading articles, and the only + newspaper proprietor now acting as a + plenipotentiary in America; + + BUT + + you are implored not to buy it. + + Remember its virtues for future use, + when skies are brighter, but disregard + them to-day. + + * * * + + We appeal to the great-hearted Public + to make a real effort and refrain from + buying + + _THE OBSERVER._ + + Sunday may be only half a Sunday + without it; + + But indulge in a little self-sacrifice. + + Not only eat less bread + But + Read less GARVIN. + + * * * + + DOWN SPECTATORS! + + Give + + _THE SPECTATOR_ + + A WIDE BERTH. + + There are reasons why it must be published + regularly + + But there are no reasons why you + should buy it. + + There is no better, saner, or soberer + Critic of Life; but what of it? + + We print all the latest Canine and + Feline news; but never mind. + + If you won't, as seems probable, down + your glass, down your _Spectator_. + + * * * + + HELP TO WIN THE WAR + + BY NOT BUYING + + _THE DAILY CHRONICLE_. + + * * * + + Whatever Sixpenny weekly you buy + don't let it be + + _THE NATION_. + + Owing to its persecution by the present + incapable Government _The Nation_ is + achieving an embarrassing popularity. + + Please forget it. + + Let your only + + NATION + + Be your determi- + + Nation + + NOT TO BUY IT. + + * * * + + THE PROPRIETORS OF + + _THE STAR_ + + urge you not to buy it any more until + the War is over and paper is cheap again. + + Buy _The Evening News_ instead. + + * * * + + DON'T BUY + + _THE SPHERE_. + + IT IS ONLY SEVENPENCE A WEEK, + + BUT DON'T BUY IT. + + It is full of Pictures of the War, but + you can do without them. It has + punctual literary judgments of astounding + finality by "C.K.S.," but they + can wait. + + Do anything in reason, but don't buy + + _The Sphere_. + +The depreciation, you observe, is not always quite whole-heartedly +done. But it must be remembered that the habit of self-praise cannot +be broken down in a minute, and this is only a beginning. + + * * * * * + +PAN PIPES. + + In the green spaces of the listening trees + Pan sits at ease, + Watching with lazy eyes + Little blue butterflies + That flicker sidelong in the fitful breeze; + While on his pipe he plays + Quaint trills, and roundelays + With dropping cadences; + And shy red squirrels rub against his knees. + + And, thro' the city's tumult and the beat + Of hurrying feet, + Those whom the god loves hear + Pan's pipe, insistent, clear; + Echoes of elfin laughter, high and sweet; + Catch in the sparrows' cries + Those tinkling melodies + That sing where brooklets meet, + And the wood's glamour colours the grey street. + + +=A LOCAL FOOD-CONTROLLER.= + +"No partner for you this evening, Sir," said the Inspector. "Mr. +Tibbits has just telephoned through that he has rheumatism badly +again." + +I know Tibbits' rheumatism. I also know he plays off his heat in the +club billiard handicap to-night. I can imagine him writhing round +the table. Still I remember the first rule of the force--under no +circumstances give another policeman away. + +"You'll have to take Dartmouth Street by yourself, Sir," continues the +Inspector. + +"What's it like?" + +"Bit of a street market. All right--just tact and keep them moving." + +I reach Dartmouth Street. It is a thronged smelly thoroughfare. I pass +along modestly, hoping that every one will ignore me. + +But a gentleman who is selling fish detects me and calls "'Ere, Boss, +move this ole geezer on." + +"What's the trouble?" I inquire. + +The old geezer turns rapidly on me. "'Ere 'e's gone and sold me two +'errings for tuppence 'alfpenny which was that salt my 'usband went +near mad, what with the pubs bein' shut all afternoon, an' now 'e's +popped the fender jus' to get rid of 'is thirst." + +"I told you to soak 'em in three waters," says the fishmonger. + +"'Ow much beer is my 'usband to soak 'imself in--tell me that?" + +It is time for tact. I whisper in the lady's ear, "Come along--don't +argue with a man like that. He's beneath you." + +She comes away. I am triumphant. But she turns round and cries, "This +gentleman as _is_ a gentleman says I ain't to lower meself by talkin' +to a 'ound like you." + +I move on. I doubt if the fishmonger will be pleased by the lady's +representation of my few words, and I make a mental note to keep away +from his stall. All at once another lady, who for some obscure reason +is carrying a bucket, grips me by the arm. + +"I'm goin' to 'ave the law on my side, I am," she declares +emphatically, "an' then I'll smash 'is bloomin' fice in." + +I am swayed towards a fruit-stall. + +"Look at them," says the irate lady, holding out three potatoes. +"Rotten--at thrippence a pound. My 'usband 'e'd 'ave set abaht me if +I'd give 'im them for 'is dinner." + +The fruiterer takes a lofty moral standard. "I sold yer them fer seed +pertaters, I did. If yer 'usband eats them 'e's worse than a Un." + +"Seed pertaters, was they? Where was I to grow 'em? In a mug on the +mantelpiece?" + +"'Ow was I ter know yer 'adn't a 'lotment?" + +"You'll need no 'lotment. It's a cemet'ry you'll want when my 'usband +knows you've called 'im a Un." + +"Now, now," I interpose tactfully. "Perhaps you can exchange them, +then you'll have the lady for a regular customer." + +"I don't want the blighter fer a reglar customer," says the fruiterer. + +Three potatoes whirl past me at the fruiterer. The lady with the +bucket departs rapidly. + +"Lemme get at 'er," cries the irate fruiterer. + +"You wouldn't hit a woman," I protest. + +"Wouldn't I?" says the infuriated fruiterer. + +I interpose--verbally. "You'll get everything stolen," I say, "from +your stall if you leave it." + +"I'll leave you in charge." + +"I'm needed down my beat," I reply, and stalk on instantly, leaving a +sadly disillusioned man behind me. + +I reach a queue outside a grocer's shop. + +"There now," says a stout lady, "give 'er in charge." + +The queue all speak at once. + +"She's a 'oarder, she is. Got 'arf-a-pound o' sugar already in 'er +basket and only 'erself and 'er 'usband at 'ome, while I got five +kids." + +A lady down the queue caps this with seven kids, and in the distance a +lady in a fur cap claims ten, and is at once engaged by her neighbours +in a bitter controversy as to whether three in France should count in +sugar buying. + +All the time the hoarder stands with nose in the air, the picture of +lofty indifference. + +Tact--tact--I remember the Inspector's advice. + +"Excuse me, Madam," I say, "but in these times we all have to make +sacrifices. You already have sugar. Some of your friends have none. +Under the circumstances--" + +Slowly the lady turns a withering eye on me. "I'll move nowhere no'ow +for nobody." + +A lady in the background suggests that the female should be boiled in +a sugar-sack. A more humane person expresses the hope that she will be +bombed that night. + +"But, Madam, consider your friends," I proceed. + +"Don't you call that lot my friends! I'm 'ere fer a pound of marge, +and get it I will if all the bloomin' speshuls come 'oo 're doin' +reglar coppers outer jobs." + +Public opinion in the queue takes a sudden turn. One lady remarks that +these speshuls are that interfering. Another alleges that she has no +doubt I have sacks of sugar at home. + +I remember the Inspector's counsel about moving on, and move myself +on. + +There is one man in England who proclaims himself absolutely unfitted +to fill the Food-Controller's position. + +I am that modest person. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Stage Manager._"THE ELEPHANT'S PUTTING UP A VERY +SPIRITED PERFORMANCE TO-NIGHT." + +_Carpenter_. "YESSIR. YOU SEE, THE NEW HIND-LEGS IS A DISCHARGED +SOLDIER, AND THE FRONT LEGS is AN OUT-AND-OUT PACIFIST."] + + * * * * * + +Broody. + + "WHIST DRIVE.--A sitting of eggs was given by Mrs. ---- for the + lady or gentleman sitting the greatest number of times + consecutively."--_Worcester Daily Times._ + + * * * * * + + "In Captain ----'s boat all the men survived, although full of + water."--_New Zealand Paper._ + +In the interests of temperance we protest against "although." + + * * * * * + + "RUSSIAN TROOPS MUTINY. + + Petrograd, Saturday. + + The Minister of War has given orders to disband the regiments, and + to bring the officers and men responsible before a court-marital." + _East Anglian Daily Times._ + +That's right. Let their wives talk to them. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: "I'LL LEARN YER TO CALL ME 'LITTLE WILLIE.' MY FARVER +DON'T ARF KNOW 'OW TO KILL GERMANS. AN' _I'LL SHOW YER WHERE HE GITS +IT FROM!_"] + + * * * * * + +=OPEN WARFARE.= Men said, "At last! at last the open battle! + Now shall we fight unfettered o'er the plain, + No more in catacombs be cooped like cattle, + Nor travel always in a devious drain!" + They were in ecstasies. But I was damping; + I like a trench, I have no lives to spare; + And in those catacombs, however cramping, + You did at least know vaguely where you were. + + Ah, happy days in deep well-ordered alleys, + Where, after dining, probably with wine, + One felt indifferent to hostile sallies, + And with a pipe meandered round the line; + You trudged along a trench until it ended; + It led at least to some familiar spot; + It might not be the place that you'd intended, + But then you might as well be there as not. + + But what a wilderness we now inhabit + Since this confounded "open" strife prevails! + It may be good; I do not wish to crab it, + But you should hear the language it entails, + Should see this waste of wide uncharted craters + Where it is vain to seek the companies, + Seeing the shell-holes are as like as taters + And no one knows where anybody is. + + Oft in the darkness, palpitant and blowing, + Have I set out and lost the hang of things, + And ever thought, "Where _can_ the guide be going?" + But trusted long and rambled on in rings, + For ever climbing up some miry summit, + And halting there to curse the contrite guide, + For ever then descending like a plummet + Into a chasm on the other side. + + Oft have I sat and wept, or sought to study + With hopeless gaze the uninstructive stars, + Hopeless because the very skies were muddy; + I only saw a red malicious Mars; + Or pulled my little compass out and pondered, + And set it sadly on my shrapnel hat, + Which, I suppose, was why the needle wandered, + Only, of course, I never thought of that. + + And then perhaps some 5.9's start dropping, + As if there weren't sufficient holes about; + I flounder on, hysterical and sopping, + And come by chance to where I started out, + And say once more, while I have no objection + To other people going to Berlin, + Give _me_ a trench, a nice revetted section, + And let me stay there till the Bosch gives in! + + * * * * * + +=A Judge Speaks Out.= + + "Regarding the assertions that the appellant introduced politics + into his sermons, it would be a bad day for this country when in + a political controversy when a clergyman could conceive cases in + which some high ideal was involved in a political controversy + when a clergyman could honestly and reasonably preach about + it."--_Yorkshire Post._ + +We have always felt that something like this needed saying. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: COMFORT IN EXILE. + +IMPERIAL BROTHER-IN-LAW. "AFTER ALL, MY DEAR TINO, YOU ARE SOMETHING +BETTER THAN A KING; YOU ARE A FIELD-MARSHAL IN MY ARMY! YOU SHALL +PRESENTLY HAVE A COMMAND ON THE WESTERN FRONT." + +TINO _(without enthusiasm)_. "THANK YOU VERY MUCH."] + + * * * * * + + +=ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT.= + +_Monday, June 11th_.--I am told that it was WILLIE REDMOND'S ambition +to be the Father of the House; indeed, that by some arithmetical +process peculiar to himself be claimed, although only elected in 1883, +to be already entitled to that venerable honour. + +In reality he was the Eternal Boy, from the far-off time when it was +his nightly delight with youthful exuberance to cheek Mr. Speaker +BRAND until the moment of his glorious death in Flanders, whither he +had gone at an age when most of his compeers were content to play the +critic in a snug corner of the smoking-room. + +Personal affection combined with admiration for his gallantry to +inspire the speeches in which the PRIME MINISTER, Mr. ASQUITH and Sir +EDWARD CARSON enshrined the most remarkable tribute ever paid to a +private Member. + +Sir GEORGE GREENWOOD'S affection for the animal creation is commonly +supposed to be such that he would not countenance the slaughter of the +meanest thing that crawls--not even those miserable creatures who hold +that SHAKSPEARE'S plays were written by SHAKSPEARE. It was therefore +with pained regret that I heard him attempting to support his +objection to the activities of sparrow-clubs by the argument that, +if the birds were destroyed, large numbers of grubs and caterpillars +would be left alive. After this I shall not be surprised to hear that +he has been summoned by the R.S.P.C.A. for brutality to a slug. + +What I most admire in the CHIEF SECRETARY FOR IRELAND is his wonderful +self-restraint. When Mr. GINNELL stridently inquired whether to +institute legal process against the police in Ireland was not like +bringing an action against Satan in hell, the ordinary man would +have been tempted to reply: "The hon. Member probably has sources of +information not accessible to me." Mr. DUKE contented himself +with mildly suggesting that the hon. Member should "apply his own +intelligence to that matter." Perhaps, however, he meant much the same +thing. + +[Illustration: _IN RE_ AN ACTION AGAINST SATAN. + +(MR. H.E. DUKE, K.C.)] + +Half the sitting was taken up with discussing whether Messrs. JOWETT +and RAMSAY MACDONALD should be given passports to Russia. Mr. BONAR +LAW clinched the matter by saying that the Russian Government wanted +them. Well, _de gustibus_, etc. + +_Tuesday, June 12th_.--Perhaps the most wonderful revelation of the +War has been the adaptability of the British working-man. Mr. CATHCART +WASON called attention to the case of a professional gardener who, +having been recruited for home service, had first been turned into a +bricklayer's assistant, then into an assistant-dresser, and finally +into a munition-maker. For some time the Ministry of Munitions +seems to have been loth to part with the services of this Admirable +Crichton, but having learned from the Board of Agriculture that there +was a shortage of food it has now consented to restore him to his +original vocation. + +It will be a thousand pities if Captain BATHURST should persist in +leaving the department of the FOOD-CONTROLLER. If he could only keep +down food-prices as effectively as he does irrelevant questioners he +would be worth his weight in "Bradburys." His latest victim is Mr. +PENNEFATHER, who has developed a keen curiosity on the subject of +potatoes. Did not the Government think that the high price would cause +premature "lifting"? Were they aware that potatoes could be used for +making rubber substitutes and cement; and would they assure the House +that there would be an abundance of them for the next twelve months'? +Captain BATHURST declined to figure in the _rôle_ of prophet, and, for +the rest, remarked that the hon. Member appeared to have an insatiable +appetite for _crambe repetita_. Mr. PENNEFATHER is understood to be +still searching the Encyclopædia to discover the properties of this +vegetable, with the view of putting a few posers on the subject to +Captain BATHURST (or his successor) next week. + +[Illustration: CAPTAIN BATHURST REFUSES TO BE A POTATO PROPHET.] + +As the friends of Proportional Representation are wont to refer to +their little pet by the affectionate diminutive of "P.R.," they +can hardly be surprised that its appearance should lead to combats +recalling in intensity the palmy days of the Prize Ring. It was +designed that the Front Bench should be content to perform the +function of judicious bottle-holder, and leave the issue to be fought +out by the rest of the House. But Sir F.E. SMITH, like the Irishman +who inquired, "Is this a private fight, or may anyone join in?" could +not refrain from trailing his coat, and quickly found a doughty +opponent in Mr. HAYES FISHER. The House so much enjoyed the unusual +freedom of the fight that it would probably be going on still but for +that spoil-sport, the HOME SECRETARY, who begged Members to come to a +decision. By 149 votes to 141 "P.R." was "down and out." + +Mr. EUGENE WASON entered an anticipatory protest against the +possibility that Scotland might be deprived of some of her seventy-two +Members. "I myself," he said, "represent two whole counties, +Clackmannan and Kinross, and I have a bit of Stirling and Perth and +West Fife, and I am told I am to be swept out of existence." Gazing at +his ample proportions the House felt that the Boundary Commissioners +will have their work cut out for them. + +[Illustration: HEAVY WORK FOR THE BOUNDARY COMISSIONERS. + +MR. EUGENE WASON TO BE SWEPT AWAY.] + +_Wednesday, June 13th_.--Considering that barely three hours before +the House met the "Fort of London" had been drenched with the "ghastly +dew of aerial navies" Members showed themselves most uncommon calm. +They exhibited, however, a little extra interest when any prominent +personage entered the House, showing that he at least had escaped the +bombs, and were too busy comparing notes regarding their personal +experiences to ask many Supplementary Questions. + +Even Mr. BONAR LAW'S announcement that KING CONSTANTINE had abdicated +the throne of Greece passed almost without remark; except that Mr. +SWIFT MACNEILL anxiously inquired whether TINO, having received the +Order of the Boot, would be allowed to retain that of the Bath. + +The mystery of Lord NORTHCLIFFE'S visit to the United States has been +cleared up. Certain journals, believed to enjoy his confidence, had +described him as "Mr. Balfour's successor." Certain other journals, +whose confidence he does not enjoy, had declined to believe this. +The fact, as stated by Mr. BONAR LAW, is that "it is hoped that Lord +NORTHCLIFFE will be able to carry on the work begun by Mr. BALFOUR +as head of the British Mission in America." He is expected "to +co-ordinate and supervise the work of all the Departmental Missions." +It was interesting to learn that his Lordship "will have the right of +communicating direct with the PRIME MINISTER"--a thing which of course +he has never done before. + +_Thursday, June 14th_.--Mr. KEATING, having made the remarkable +discovery that the War has injured the prosperity of Irish seaside +resorts, demanded the restoration of excursion trains and season +tickets. Mr. GEORGE ROBERTS stoutly supported the Irish Railway +Executive Committee in its refusal to encourage pleasure-traffic. +His decision received the involuntary support of Mr. MACVEAGH, who +attempted to back up his colleague by the singular argument that the +existing trains in Ireland ran half-empty. + +The Lords spent the best part of a sunny afternoon in discussing +whether or not the South-Eastern Eailway should be allowed to bolster +up the Charing Cross railway bridge. In vain Lord CURZON, flying in +the face of his Ministerial colleague, the PRESIDENT OF THE BOARD OF +TRADE, urged the claims of Art; in vain he assured the House that when +WORDSWORTH wrote of the view from Westminster, "Earth has not anything +to show more fair," he was not thinking of that maroon-coloured +monstrosity. The majority of their lordships, understanding that the +proposal had something to do with "strengthening the piers," declined +to reject it. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Officer_. "AND WHAT DID YOU SAY TO PRIVATE SMITH?" +_Witness_ (_who had discovered prisoner milking cow belonging to +French farmer_). "I TOLD HIM TO STOP IMMEDIATELY AND PUT THE MILK +BACK."] + + * * * * * + +We have received a copy of _The Glasgow Weekly Herald_, dated "May 56, +1917." Trust a Scot to make a good thing go as far as possible. + + * * * * * + + "Great jubilation prevailed amongst the people at finding the + children alive, and congratulations were extended to their parents + that their little ones were not lost in the cavities and chasms of + Knocknatubber Mountain, though straying thereon for upwards of 25 + years."--_Nenagh Guardian_. + +The young "Rips"! + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _National Service Volunteer_ (_late crack billiard +player_). "MARKER, HAND ME THE REST."] + + * * * * * + + +="IN PRIZE."= + + A ship was built in Glasgow, and oh, she looked a daisy + (Just the way that some ships do!) + An' the only thing against 'er was she allus steered so crazy + (An' it's true, my Johnny Bowline, true!) + + They sent 'er out in ballast to Oregon for lumber, + An' before she dropped 'er pilot she all but lost 'er number. + + They sold 'er into Norway because she steered so funny, + An' she nearly went to glory before they drawed the money. + + They sold 'er out o' Norway--they sold 'er into Chile, + An' Chile got a bargain because she steered so silly. + + They chartered 'er to Germans with a bunch o' greasers forrard; + Old shellbacks wouldn't touch 'er because she steered so 'orrid. + + She set a course for Bremen with contraband inside 'er, + An' she might 'ave got there some time if a cruiser 'adn't spied 'er. + + She nearly drowned the boarders because she cut such capers, + But they found she was a German through inspectin' of 'er papers. + + So they put a crew aboard 'er, which was both right an' lawful, + An' the prize crew 'ad a picnic, because she steered so awful. + + But they brought 'er into Kirkwall, an' then they said, "Lord lumme, + If I ever see an 'ooker as steered so kind o' rummy!" + + But she'll fetch 'er price at auction, for oh, she looks a daisy + (Just the way that some ships do!) + An' the chap as tops the biddin' won't know she steers so crazy + (But it's true, my Johnny Bowline, true!) + +C.F.S. + + +=TO MR. BALFOUR ON HIS RETURN.= + + Our hearts go out with all our ships that plough the deadly sea, + But the ship that brought us safely back the only ARTHUR B. + Was freighted with good wishes in a very high degree. + + There are heaps of politicians who can hustle and can shriek, + And some, though very strong in lung, in brains are very weak, + But A.J.B.'s equipment is admittedly unique. + + His manners are delightful, and the workings of his mind + Have never shown the slightest trace of self-esteem behind; + Nor has he had at any time a private axe to grind. + + For forty years and upwards he has graced the public scene + Without becoming sterilized or stiffened by routine; + He still retains his freshness and his brain is just as keen. + + His credit was not shipwrecked on the fatal Irish reef; + He has always been a loyal and a sympathetic chief; + And he has also written _The Foundations of Belief_. + + As leader of the Mission to our cousins and Allies, + We learn with satisfaction, but without the least surprise, + That he proved the very cynosure of Transatlantic eyes. + + For the special brand of statesman _plus_ aristocratic sage, + Like the model king-philosopher described in PLATO'S page, + Is uncommonly attractive in a democratic age. + + "BALFOUR Must Go!" was once the cry of those who deemed him slack, + But now there's not a single scribe of that unruly pack + Who is not glad in every sense that BALFOUR has come back. + + And as for his "successor"--the Napoleonic peer + Whose functions are restricted to a purely business sphere-- + We must try to bear his absence in a spirit of good cheer. + + * * * * * + + +=THE INFANTICIDE.= + +From an economic point of view it was inexcusable. I can only hope +that the affair will never reach the ear of the new FOOD-CONTROLLER. +The chief culprit was undoubtedly Joan minor--I only became an +accomplice after the fact--and I can scarcely believe that even a +Food-Controller could be very angry with Joan minor. For one thing she +really is so very minor. And then there's her manner; in face of it +severity, as I have found, is out of the question. Even Joan major, +who has been known to rout our charlady in single combat, finds it +irresistible. Indeed when I taxed her with having a hand in the crime +she secured an acquittal on the plea of duress. + +Ever since Joan minor arrived at years of understanding the weeks +preceding the great day have been fraught with a mystery in which I +have no share. Earnest conversations which break off guiltily the +moment I enter the room; strained whisperings and now and again little +uncontrollable giggles of ecstatic anticipation from Joan minor--these +are the signs that I have learned to look for, and, being well versed +in my part, to ignore with a sublime unconsciousness which should make +my fortune in a melodrama of stage asides. And then, on the morning of +my birthday, the solemn ceremonial of revelation, I would come in to +breakfast, to find a parcel lying by my plate. At first I would not +see it. In a tense and unnatural silence Joan minor would follow me +with her eyes while I opened the window a few inches, closed it again, +stroked the cat and generally behaved as though sitting down at table +was the last thing I intended. Then, when I did take my place, "The +post is early to-day," I would say, pushing the parcel carelessly on +one side as I took up the paper, while Joan minor hid her face in Joan +major's blouse lest her feelings should betray her into premature +speech. And at last I would open it, and my amazement and delight +would know no bounds. There was very little acting needed for that. It +is no small thing to be spirited back to the age when birthdays really +matter. + +And so this year it was with a feeling of having been cheated that I +left the house for the office, where, in company with other old fogies +and girl clerks, I do my unambitious bit towards downing the Hun. The +premonitory symptoms had seemed to me unusually acute, but the morning +had brought no parcel. My years weighed on my shoulders again, and I +am afraid I was more than a little tart with my typist. + +I was kept late for dinner, and when I entered the room I found Joan +minor sitting in her place, her eyes bright with expectation. Beside +my place was a covered muffin dish. There was no dallying with the +pleasure this time, for I had suddenly become young again, and could +not have waited had I tried. I lifted the cover, and there, about the +size of a well-nourished pea, lay the first-fruit of Joan minor's +peculiar and personal allotment, prepared, planted and dug by Joan +minor's own hands, a veritable and unmistakable potato. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Official of Lady War-workers' Bureau_. "WHAT SORT OF +WORK DO YOU FEEL FITTED FOR?" + +_Applicant_. "I DON'T QUITE KNOW, BUT I WANT TO WEAR THESE CLOTHES."] + + * * * * * + +Our Official Pessimists. + +From an Admiralty notice:-- + + "It is to be particularly noted that entries are only being made + for 12 years' service, and not for duration of war."--_Evening + Paper_. + + * * * * * + + "Summoned at Barry for having driven a horse whilst drunk, Antonio + Millonas was stated to have narrowly missed a policeman and two + children."--_Western Mail_. + +We are all in favour of prohibition for horses. + + * * * * * + + +=IN A GOOD CAUSE.= + +The Newport Market Army Training School, Greencoat Place, Westminster, +which has for over fifty years been training homeless and destitute +boys to become soldiers of the KING, and has sent over two thousand +into the Army, is in great need of funds. Mr. Punch cordially supports +the appeal of the President of the School, H.R.H. the Duke of +CONNAUGHT, who "sincerely hopes the public will generously support +an Institution that has for so many years quietly and unobtrusively +furnished a Christian home and education to poor and outcast lads, and +has supplied the Army with so many good and gallant soldiers." + +Donations and inquiries should be addressed to the Secretary, the Rev. +H.A. WILSON, 20, Great Peter Street, Westminster, S.W.1. + + * * * * * + +A Credit to the Commonwealth. + + "COCKATOO, Australian, splendid talker, does not + swear."--_Newcastle Evening Chronicle_. + + * * * * * + + +=THE HAT AND THE VISIT.= + +"Francesca," I said, "does my hat really look all right?" + +When I put this momentous question we were in a train, being bound on +a visit to Frederick at his preparatory school. A sudden doubt had +just assailed me as to my presentability. Should I, as a father, be +looked upon as a credit or a disgrace to my son? Francesca took some +time before she answered my question. Then she spoke. + +"Your hat," she said, "is well enough." + +"I see what it is," I said; "you think I ought to have worn a top-hat. +There are still occasions when a top-hat may, nay, must be worn; and +this, you think, is one of them. There are solemnities and venerations +that only a top-hat can inspire in the naturally irreverent mind of +youth. A father in any other hat is a ridiculously youthful object and +has no business to inflict himself on his son. Very well. I would not +for worlds spoil Frederick's half-holiday by shaming him in the eyes +of his schoolfellows." + +"What do you propose to do about it, then? You can't alter your hat +now." + +"No," I said, "I can't; but I can get out of the train at the next +station and go home and leave you in your comparative spickness and +your relative spanness to spend your afternoon with the boy. Or, stay, +there must be a shop in Belfield where top-hats can be bought. It is a +cathedral city and possesses dignitaries of the Church who still wear +top-hats, and----" + +"But those are special top-hats. You couldn't go to Frederick in a +bishop's hat, now could you?" + +"No-o-o," I said doubtfully, "perhaps I couldn't. But suppose I wore +the gaiters too--wouldn't that make it all right?" + +"I should like," she said, "to see Frederick's face on perceiving the +new bishop." + +"Francesca," I said, "you talk as if no boys ever had bishops for +their fathers. Let me assure you, on the contrary, that there are many +bishops who have large families of both sexes. I once stayed with a +bishop, and I never heard anybody attempt to make a mockery of his +gaiters." + +"But they were his own. He couldn't be a bishop without them." + +"That fact doesn't render them immune from laughter. My present hat, +for instance, is my own, and yet you have been laughing at it ever +since I called your attention to it." + +"Not at all; I have been admiring it. I said it was well enough, and +so it is. What more can you want?" + +"I only hope," I said, "that Frederick will think so too. It would be +too painful to dash the cup of half-holiday joy from a boy's lips by +wearing an inappropriate hat." + +"You're too nervous altogether about the impression you're going to +make on Frederick. Take example by me. I've got a hat on." + +"You have," I said fervently. "It has grazed my face more than once." + +"It is feeding," she said, "on your damask cheek. But I'm quite calm +in spite of it." + +"But then," I said, "you never knew Rowell." + +"No. Who was he?" + +"Rowell," I said, "was a schoolfellow of mine, and he had a father." + +"Marvellous! And a mother too, I suppose." + +"Yes," I said, "but she doesn't come into the story. Rowell's father +had a passion, it appears, for riding, and one dreadful afternoon, +when we were playing cricket, he rode into the cricket-field. _He was +wearing trousers, and his trousers had rucked up to his knees._ It was +a terrific sight, and, though we all pretended not to see and were +very sorry for young Rowell, he felt the blow most keenly. I hope my +hat won't be like Rowell's father's trousers." + +"It isn't a bit like them yet," said Francesca. + +R.C.L. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Officer_. "BUT SURELY, THOMPSON, IF THESE MUD-BILLETS +ARE ALL ALIKE YOU OUGHT TO REMEMBER WHERE YOU PUT MY HORSE----"] + +[Illustration: _Batman_. "HERE HE IS, SIR."] + + * * * * * + +"Fireman wanted; consuming under 50 tons; wages 30s." + +Under the present system of rationing, this demand for moderation does +not seem excessive. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Inspecting Officer_. "IT'S NO USE YOUR TELLING ME YOU +HAVEN'T GOT ANY POTATOES ABOUT THE PLACE. IF YOU HOLD THE END OF THIS +TAPE I'LL VERY SOON TELL YOU HOW MANY YOU HAVE HERE." + +_Farmer_. "YE'LL BE A MAIN CLEVER LITTLE FELLOW, THEN. THEY WAS +TURMUTS WHEN I PUT 'EM IN LAST BACK END."] + + * * * * * + +=OUR BOOKING-OFFICE.= + +(_By Mr. Punch's Staff of Learned Clerks_.) + +It is my deliberate verdict that Mr. E.F. BENSON is (as my old nurse +used to express it) "in league with Somebody he oughtn't." I hope, +however, that he will understand this for the extorted compliment that +it is, and not magic me into something unpleasant, or (more probably) +write another book to prove to my own dissatisfaction that I am +everything I least wish to be. That indeed is the gravamen of my +charge: the diabolic ingenuity with which he makes not so much our +pleasant vices as our little almost-virtues into whips to scourge us +with. All this has been wrung from me by the perusal of _Mr. Teddy_ +(FISHER UNWIN). Even now I can't make up my mind whether I like it or +not. The first half, which might be called a satire on the folly of +being forty and not realising it, depressed me profoundly. I need not +perhaps enlarge upon the reason. Later, Mr. BENSON made a very clever +return upon the theme; and, with a touch of real beauty, brought +solace to poor _Mr. Teddy_ and consolation to the middle-aged reader. +I need give you only a slight indication of the plot, which is +simplicity itself. Into the self-contained little community of a +provincial society, where to have once been young is to retain a +courtesy title to perpetual youth, there arrives suddenly the genuine +article, a boy and girl still in the springtime of life, by contrast +with whom the preserved immaturity of _Mr. Teddy_ and his partner, +_Miss Daisy_, is shown for an artificial substitute. Baldly stated, +the thesis sounds cynical and a little cruel; actually, however, +you will here find Mr. BENSON in a kindlier mood than he sometimes +consents to indulge. He displays, indeed, more than a little fondness +for his disillusioned hero; the fine spirit with which _Mr. Teddy_ +faces at last the inevitable is a sure proof of the author's sympathy. + + * * * * * + +You will hardly have traversed the passages of our underground railway +system without being hurriedly aware in passing of a picture in reds +and browns, representing a faun-like figure piping to an audience of +three rather self-conscious rabbits. This pleasing group does not +portray an actual scene from _Autumn_ (LANE), but is rather to be +taken as symbolic of the atmosphere of Miss MURIEL HINE'S latest book. +The faun, I imagine, stands for _Rollo_, the middle-aged lover of the +country, into whose happy life other, more human, loves break with +such devastation. What the rabbits mean is a more difficult problem. I +jest; but as a matter of fact I should be the first to admit that Miss +HINE has written a story that, despite a certain crudity of colouring, +is both unconventional and alive. The attitude of the characters +towards their parents, for example, is at least original. _Deirdre_, +the heroine, frankly despised her mother, to whom she owed a marriage +with the man whom she hated. The gift of a country cottage enabled +her to escape from him to rabbits (figurative) and the simpler life. +There, however, she fell in with _Rollo_, who loved her at sight, +and whose daughter, _Hyacinth_, adored her father, but quite blandly +deceived him about her own amorous adventures. A pretty tangle, you +observe, and I am not sure that I can wholly acquit the author of +some cowardice in her manner of cutting it. But undoubtedly _Autumn_ +remains a story to read, and remember. + + * * * * * + +Since Mr. H. PERRY ROBINSON'S name must be familiar to most of us +by now as that of one of the very select company of journalists who +monopolise seats at the Front, one naturally turns with interest from +his daily despatches to a sustained narrative. His account of last +year's battle of the Somme, which he names _The Turning Point_ +(HEINEMANN), is as lively and vigorous a recital as can well be +imagined of events hardly the less thrilling because already +well-known. Although he disclaims expert knowledge of strategies, he +is at least uncommonly well qualified to appraise the things he saw. +"Before July, 1916, our Army," he says, "was like a small hoy hoping +to grow up and be big enough to lick a bully some day. Told to attack +him before he felt sure of his own strength, the small boy would not +have been sorry to wait a bit longer, but the pressure against Verdun +and against the Russians had to be relieved, and so with steadily +increasing skill and confidence the attack was made, and day after day +fresh units proved themselves more than a match for the enemy." The +result was a series of victories--Mametz, Contalmaison, Pozières, +Guillemont, Thiepval, Beaumont-Hamel--and the writer is able to +associate with each immortal name the regiments there engaged, all +heroes, for "there were no stragglers." Indeed, if there is a weakness +in the book it is that the insistent recording of the individual +heroism of different battalions tends to become monotonous. But what +a fault! It is a monotony of British valour crowned by a monotony of +British triumph. + + * * * * * + +A point that will hardly avoid your notice in the plot of _In the +Night_ (LONGMANS), by Mr. R. GORELL BARNES (now Lord GORELL), is the +exiguous part played in its elucidation by the Great Investigator, who +(as usual) happens to be on the spot and able to place his services +at the disposal of the local authorities. It is, I suppose due to the +Sherlockian tradition these unhappy persons, the local detectives, +must always be supplemented by a superior and high-handed expert. I +think, from his preface, that the author does not quite share my own +taste in such matters, since he promises that his Investigator shall +keep no secrets and observe nothing withheld from the eye of the +reader. So faithful is the author to this undertaking that he +practically keeps his expert hanging about with the unenlightened +crowd, while another character, in light-hearted amateur enthusiasm, +does all the work. But of course, in a tale of this kind, the only +thing that really matters is the one question of spotting the +criminal, or who killed Cock Robin. Naturally I am not going to spoil +your fun over this by any officious whisperings. As you probably know, +the one safe rule in such matters is to concentrate upon Cæsar's wife; +and even in repeating this antique maxim I may have betrayed too +much. Forget it, and you may find what happened _In the Night_ +a sufficiently intriguing problem to provide a pleasant bedtime +entertainment that will leave your subsequent repose unimpaired. + +In deciding to add to what one may call the fiction of Metropolitan +Adventures, whereof _The New Arabian Nights_ may be regarded as both +the model and the prototype, the author of _The London Nights +of Belsize_ (LANE) has undertaken a task which is both easy and +difficult--easy because a sophisticated style and a lively imagination +are the only essential qualifications, and difficult because it +involves competition with a perfect galaxy of distinguished authors. +There is always room for more of it, however, and, if Mr. VERNON +RENDALL disappoints us, it is not merely because the standard has +been set unusually high. His style is smooth and assured, and, though +somewhat lacking in humour, his touch is light and pleasing. He begins +well and interests us in his principal character so that we look +forward with zest to the adventures of a personality which is +everything that this sort of fiction requires. Here unfortunately the +matter ends. _Belsize_, who promises so much, has no adventures worth +the name. It is true that he rescues the _Prince of Mingrelia_, runs +to earth a gang of highly-educated and æsthetic criminals, and does +other things that we properly expect such men to do. But there is no +excitement about his methods. Not to put too fine a point on it, the +author of _Belsize_ lacks the true imagination that makes the unreal +seem real--a very different thing from the imagination which merely +clothes realities in a garment of mystery. Notwithstanding this +defect, _The London Nights of Belsize_ should wile away an hour or so +very pleasantly. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Delighted Patriot (after three days' absence)_. "NOT +MUCH TO FEAR FROM U-BOATS IF WE CAN GROW FOOD AT THIS RATE!" + +_Voice from, above_. "PLEASE WOULD YOU THROW OVER OUR LITTLE BOY'S +ZEPPELIN?"] + + * * * * * + +If _A Regimental Surgeon in War and Prison_ (MURRAY) does not create +so profound an impression as it would have done two years ago, the +reason must be that our capacity for disgust at Hunnish cruelty is +exhausted by the demands already made upon it. Captain DOLBEY was in +the Mons retreat and assisted at what he calls "the Miracle of the +Marne," and in writing of these events he shows a real knowledge of +both friend and foe. Taken prisoner under circumstances entirely +creditable to himself, he saw the inside of German prison-camps, and +suffered the indignities and horrors for which these places have so +justly become infamous. His experiences are described with an almost +judicial calmness. In one case of childish revenge I trust that the +sufferers were sustained by a sense of humour. When the picture of a +"Prussian family having its morning hate" appeared, the prisoners were +punished by having their deck-chairs confiscated. Mr. Punch, while +deeply regretting this vicarious expiation of his offence, cannot help +deriving some solace from the thought that he succeeded in penetrating +the hide of these Teuton pachyderms. When, for a change, Captain +DOLBEY received a kindness from German hands he acknowledges it +frankly. He also makes one or two suggestions which I sincerely hope +will be considered by those who are in a position to deal with them. +Altogether an illuminating book. + + * * * * * + + + + + + + + +End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. +152, June 20, 1917, by Various + +*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH, OR THE LONDON *** + +***** This file should be named 17629-8.txt or 17629-8.zip ***** +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: + http://www.gutenberg.org/1/7/6/2/17629/ + +Produced by Jonathan Ingram, Lesley Halamek and the Online +Distributed Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net + + +Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions +will be renamed. + +Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no +one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation +(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without +permission and without paying copyright royalties. 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