diff options
| author | Roger Frank <rfrank@pglaf.org> | 2025-10-15 04:51:12 -0700 |
|---|---|---|
| committer | Roger Frank <rfrank@pglaf.org> | 2025-10-15 04:51:12 -0700 |
| commit | 8fecd890329f2f8a287111fa69a0ab0f4c4e0398 (patch) | |
| tree | 6493297fa2e524298195cf7fbc397bfa0df3ccff /17472.txt | |
Diffstat (limited to '17472.txt')
| -rw-r--r-- | 17472.txt | 3157 |
1 files changed, 3157 insertions, 0 deletions
diff --git a/17472.txt b/17472.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..517553a --- /dev/null +++ b/17472.txt @@ -0,0 +1,3157 @@ +Project Gutenberg's Yorkshire Ditties, First Series, by John Hartley + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: Yorkshire Ditties, First Series + To Which Is Added The Cream Of Wit And Humour From His Popular Writings + +Author: John Hartley + +Release Date: January 6, 2006 [EBook #17472] +[Date last updated: February 10, 2006] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ASCII + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK YORKSHIRE DITTIES, FIRST SERIES *** + + + + +Produced by David Fawthrop + + + + + + Yorkshire Ditties + + by + + John Hartley Born 1839 Died 1915 + + to which is added the Cream of Wit and Humour from his popular writings. + + First Series + + London W. Nicholson & Sons, Limited, 26, Paternoster Square, E.C + and Albion Works, Wakefield. + + [entered at stationers' hall] + + + +Introduction + +As the First Volume of the Yorkshire Ditties has been for some time +out of print, and as there is a great demand for the very humorous +productions of Mr. Hartley's pen, it has been decided to reprint that +Volume, and also a Second One; both to be considerably enlarged and +enriched by Selections from Mr. Hartley's other humorous writings. + +The Publishers would also intimate that for this purpose they have +purchased of Mr. Hartley the copyright of the DITTIES, and other +Pieces appended to each Volume. + +The Publishers presume that both Volumes will, on account of their +great humour, be favourably received by the Public. + + + + +CONTENTS OF FIRST SERIES. + +Poetry. + + Bite Bigger + To th' Swallow + Plenty o' Brass + Th' Little Stranger + Babby Burds + Wayvin Mewsic + That's a Fact + Stop at Hooam + The Short Timer + Th' First o'th' Soart + Lines, on Finding a Butterfly in a Weaving Shed + Uncle Ben + The New Year's Resolve + The Old Bachelor's Story + Aght o' Wark + Another Babby + The Little Black Hand + Lily's Gooan + My Native Twang + Shoo's thi' Sister + Persevere + To a Roadside Flower + +Prose Pieces. Cream of Wit and Humour from his popular writings + + The New Year + Valentine Day + March Winds + April Fooils + Policeman's Scrape + Information + Watterin' Places + Flaar Shows + October Ale + Force of Example + Gunpaader Plot + Th' Last Month + Meditated Strike + New Year's Parties + Smiles, Tears, Getting on + Mysterious Disappearance + Sam it up + Fooils + Cleanin' Daan Month + Hay-making + Hollingworth Lake + Plagues + End o'th' Year + Scientific + Valentine Dream + + + +Bite Bigger + +As aw hurried throo th' taan to mi wark, + (Aw wur lat, for all th' whistles had gooan,) +Aw happen'd to hear a remark, + 'At ud fotch tears throo th' heart ov a stooan-- +It wur raanin, an' snawin, and cowd, + An' th' flagstoans wur covered wi' muck, +An' th' east wind booath whistled an' howl'd, + It saanded like nowt but ill luck; +When two little lads, donn'd i' rags, + Baght stockins or shoes o' ther feet, +Coom trapesin away ower th' flags, + Booath on 'em sodden'd wi th' weet.-- +Th' owdest mud happen be ten, + Th' young en be hauf on't,--noa moor; +As aw luk'd on, aw sed to misen, + God help fowk this weather 'at's poor! +Th' big en sam'd summat off th' graand, + An' aw luk'd just to see what 't could be; +'Twur a few wizend flaars he'd faand, + An' they seem'd to ha fill'd him wi glee: +An' he sed, "Come on, Billy, may be + We shall find summat else by an by, +An' if net, tha mun share thease wi me + When we get to some spot where its dry." +Leet-hearted they trotted away, + An' aw follow'd, coss 'twur i' mi rooad; +But aw thowt awd nee'er seen sich a day-- + It worn't fit ta be aght for a tooad. +Sooin th' big en agean slipt away, + An' sam'd summat else aght o'th' muck, +An' he cried aght, "Luk here, Bill! to-day + Arn't we blest wi' a seet o' gooid luck? +Here's a apple! an' th' mooast on it's saand: + What's rotten aw'll throw into th' street-- +Worn't it gooid to ligg thear to be faand? + Nah booath on us con have a treat." +Soa he wiped it, an' rubb'd it, an' then + Sed, Billy, "thee bite off a bit; +If tha hasn't been lucky thisen + Tha shall share wi' me sich as aw get." +Soa th' little en bate off a touch, + T'other's face beamed wi' pleasur all throo, +An' he said, "Nay, tha hasn't taen much, + Bite agean, an' bite bigger; nah do!" +Aw waited to hear nowt noa moor,-- + Thinks aw, thear's a lesson for me! +Tha's a heart i' thi breast, if tha'rt poor: + Th' world wur richer wi' moor sich as thee! +Tuppince wur all th' brass aw had, + An' awd ment it for ale when coom nooin, +But aw thowt aw'll goa give it yond lad, + He desarves it for what he's been dooin; +Soa aw sed, "Lad, here's tuppince for thee, + For thi sen,"--an' they stared like two geese, +But he sed, woll th' tear stood in his e'e, + "Nah, it'll just be a penny a piece." +"God bless thi! do just as tha will, + An' may better days speedily come; +Tho' clam'd, an' hauf donn'd, mi lad, still + Tha'rt a deal nearer Heaven nur some." + + +To th' Swallow + +Bonny burd! aw'm fain to see thee, + For tha tells ov breeter weather; +But aw connot quite forgi thee, + Connot love thee altogether. + +'Tisn't thee aw fondly welcome-- + 'Tis the cheerin news tha brings, +Tellin us fine weather will come, + When we see thi dappled wings. + +But aw'd rayther have a sparrow, + Rayther hear a robin twitter; +Tho' they may net be thi marrow, + May net fly wi' sich a glitter; + +But they niver leeav us, niver-- + Storms may come, but still they stay; +But th' first wind 'at ma's thee shiver, + Up tha mounts an' flies away. + +Ther's too mony like thee, swallow, + 'At when fortun's sun shines breet, +Like a silly buzzard follow, + Doncin raand a bit o' leet. + +But ther's few like Robin redbreast, + Cling throo days o' gloom an' care; +Soa aw love mi old tried friends best-- + Fickle hearts aw'll freely spare. + + +Plenty o' Brass + +A'a! it's grand to ha' plenty o' brass! + It's grand to be able to spend +A trifle sometimes on a glass + For yorsen, or sometimes for a friend +To be able to bury yor neive + Up to th' shackle i' silver an' gowd +An', 'baght pinchin', be able to save + A wee bit for th' time when yor owd. + +A'a! it's grand to ha', plenty o' brass! + To be able to set daan yor fooit +Withaght ivver thinkin'--bith' mass! + 'At yor wearin' soa mitch off yor booit; +To be able to walk along th' street, + An' stand at shop windows to stare, +An' net ha' to beat a retreat + If yo' scent a "bum bailey" i' th' air. + +A'a I it's grand to ha' plenty o' brass! + To be able to goa hoam at neet, +An' sit i'th' arm-cheer bith' owd lass, + An' want nawther foir nor leet; +To tak' th' childer a paper o' spice, + Or a pictur' to hing up o' th' wall; +Or a taste ov a summat 'at's nice + For yor friends, if they happen to call. + +A'a! it's grand to ha' plenty o' brass! + Then th' parsons'll know where yo' live: +If yo'r' poor, it's mooast likely they'll pass, + An' call where fowk's summat to give. +Yo' may have a trifle o' sense, + An' yo' may be both upright an' true +But that's nowt, if yo' can't stand th' expense + Ov a hoal or a pairt ov a pew. + +A'a! it's grand to ha' plenty o' brass! + An' to them fowk at's getten a hoard, +This world seems as smooth as a glass, + An' ther's flaars o' boath sides o'th' road; +But him 'at's as poor as a maase, + Or, happen, a little i' debt, +He mun point his noas up to th' big haase, + An' be thankful for what he can get. + +A'a! it's grand to ha' plenty o' chink! + But doan't let it harden yor heart: +Yo' 'at's blessed wi' abundance should think + An' try ta do gooid wi' a part! +An' then, as yor totterin' daan, + An' th' last grains o' sand are i'th glass, +Yo' may find 'at yo've purchased a craan + Wi' makkin gooid use o' yor brass. + + +Th' Little Stranger + +Little bonny, bonny babby, + How tha stares, an' weel tha may, +For its but an haar, or hardly, + Sin' tha furst saw th' leet o' day. + +A'a! tha little knows, young moppet, +Ha aw'st have to tew for thee; +May be when aw'm forced to drop it, +'At tha'll do a bit for me. + +Are ta maddled, mun, amang it? +Does ta wonder what aw mean? +Aw should think tha does, but dang it! +Where's ta been to leearn to scream? + +That's noa sooart o' mewsic, bless thee! +Dunnot peawt thi lip like that! +Mun, aw hardly dar to nurse thee, +Feared awst hurt thee, little brat. + +Come, aw'll tak thee to thi mother; +Shoo's moor used to sich nor me: +Hands like mine worn't made to bother +Wi sich ginger-breead as thee. + +Innocent an' helpless craytur, +All soa pure an' undefiled! +If ther's ought belangs to heaven +Lives o'th' eearth, it is a child. + +An its hard to think, 'at some day, +If tha'rt spared to weather throo, +'At tha'll be a man, an' someway +Have to feight life's battles too. + +Kings an' Queens, an' lords an' ladies, +Once wor nowt noa moor to see; +An' th' warst wretch 'at hung o'th' gallows, +Once wor born as pure as thee. + +An' what tha at last may come to, +God aboon us all can tell; +But aw hope 'at tha'll be lucky, +Even tho aw fail mysel. + +Do aw ooin thee? its a pity! +Hush! nah prathi dunnot freat! +Goa an' snoozle to thi titty +Tha'rt too young for trouble yet. + + +Babby Burds + +Aw wander'd aght one summer's morn, +Across a meadow newly shorn; +Th' sun wor shinin' breet and clear, +An' fragrant scents rose up i'th' air, + An' all wor still. +When, as my steps wor idly rovin, +Aw coom upon a seet soa lovin! +It fill'd mi heart wi' tender feelin, +As daan aw sank beside it, kneelin + O'th' edge o'th' hill. + +It wor a little skylark's nest, +An' two young babby burds, undrest, +Wor gapin wi' ther beaks soa wide, +Callin' for mammy to provide + Ther mornin's meal; +An' high aboon ther little hooam, +Th' saand o' daddy's warblin coom, +Ringin' soa sweetly o' mi ear, +Like breathins thro' a purer sphere, + He sang soa weel. + +Ther mammy, a few yards away, +Wor hoppin' on a bit o' hay, +Too feard to come, too bold to flee; +An' watchin me wi' troubled e'e, + Shoo seem'd to say: +"Dooant touch my bonny babs, young man! +Ther daddy does the best he can +To cheer yo with his sweetest song; +An' thoase 'll sing as weel, ere long, + Soa let 'em stay." + +"Tha needn't think aw'd do 'em harm-- +Come shelter 'em and keep 'em warm! +For aw've a little nest misel, +An' two young babs, aw'm praad to tell, + 'At's precious too; +An' they've a mammy watching thear, +'At howds them little ens as dear, +An' dearer still, if that can be, +Nor what thease youngens are to thee, + Soa come,--nah do! + +"A'a well!--tha'rt shy, tha hops away,-- +Tha doesn't trust a word aw say; +Tha thinks aw'm here to rob an' plunder, +An' aw confess aw dunnot wonder-- + But tha's noa need; +Aw'll leave yo to yorsels,--gooid bye! +For nah aw see yor daddy's nigh; +He's dropt that strain soa sweet and strong; +He loves yo better nor his song-- + He does indeed." + +Aw walk'd away, and sooin mi ear +Caught up the saand o' warblin clear; +Thinks aw, they're happy once agean; +Aw'm glad aw didn't prove so mean + To rob that nest; +For they're contented wi ther lot, +Nor envied me mi little cot; +An' in this world, as we goa throo, +It is'nt mich gooid we can do, + An' do awr best. + +Then let us do as little wrong +To ony as we pass along, +An' never seek a joy to gain +At's purchased wi another's pain, + It isn't reet. +Aw shall goa hooam wi' leeter heart, +To mend awr Johnny's little cart: +(He allus finds me wark enough +To piecen up his brocken stuff, + For every neet.) + +An' Sally--a'a! if yo could see her! +When aw sit daan to get mi teah, +Shoo puts her dolly o' mi knee, +An' maks me sing it "Hush a bee," + I'th' rocking chear; +Then begs some sugar for it too; +What it can't ait shoo tries to do; +An' turnin up her cunnin e'e,, +Shoo rubs th' doll maath, an says, "yo see, + It gets its share.", + +Sometimes aw'm rayther cross? aw fear! +Then starts a little tremblin tear, +'At, like a drop o' glitt'rin dew +Swimmin within a wild flaar blue, + Falls fro ther e'e; +But as the sun in April shaars +Revives the little droopin flaars, +A kind word brings ther sweet smile back: +Aw raylee think mi brain ud crack + If they'd ta dee. + +Then if aw love my bairns soa weel, +May net a skylark's bosom feel +As mich consarn for th' little things +'At snooze i'th' shelter which her wings + Soa weel affoards? +If fowk wod nobbut bear i' mind +How mich is gained by bein' kind, +Ther's fewer breasts wi' grief ud swell, +An' fewer fowk ud thoughtless mell + Even o'th' burds. + + +Wayvin Mewsic + +Ther's mewsic i'th' shuttle, i'th' loom, an i'th frame, +Ther's melody mingled i'th' noise, +For th' active ther's praises, for th' idle ther's blame, +If they'd hearken to th' saand of its voice; +An' when flaggin a bit, ha refreshin to feel +As yo pause an luk raand on the throng, +At the clank o' the tappet, the hum o' the wheel, +Sing this plain unmistakable song:-- + Nick a ting, nock a ting; + Wages keep pocketing; +Workin for little is better nor laiking; + Twist an' twine, reel an' wind; + Keep a contented mind; +Troubles are oft ov a body's own making. + +To see workin fowk wi' a smile o' ther face +As they labor thear day after day; +An' hear 'th women's voices float sweetly throo 'th place, +As they join i' some favorite lay; +It saands amang th' din, as the violet seems +'At peeps aght th' green dockens among, +An' spreading a charm over th' rest by its means, +Thus it blends i' that steady old song; + Nick a ting, nock a ting; + Wages keep pocketing; +Workin for little is better nor laiking; + Twist an' twine, reel an' wind; + Keep a contented mind; +Troubles are oft ov a body's own making. + +An' then see what lessons are laid out anent us, +As pick after pick follows time after time, +An' warns us tho' silent, to let nowt prevent us +From strivin by little endeavours to climb; +Th' world's made o' trifles! its dust forms a mountain! +Then niver despair as you're trudgin along; +If troubles will come an' yor spirits dishearten, +Yo'll find ther's relief i' that steady old song; + Nick a ting, nock a ting; + Wages keep pocketing; +Working for little is better nor laiking; + Twist an' twine, reel an' wind; + Keep a contented mind; +Troubles are oft ov a body's own making. + +Life's warp comes throo Heaven, th' weft's fun bi us sen; +To finish a piece we're compell'd to ha booath. +Th' warp's reight, but if th' weft should be faulty--ha then? +Noa wayver i' th' world can produce a gooid clooath; +Then let us endeavour, bi working and striving, +To finish awr piece soa's noa fault can be fun; +An' then i' return for awr pains an contriving, +Th' takker in 'll reward us an' whisper' well done.' + Clink a clank, clink a clank, + Workin withaat a thank, +May be awr fortun--if soa never mind it! + Striving to do awr best, + We shall be reight at last, +If we lack comfort nah, then shall we find it. + + +That's a Fact + +A'a Mary aw'm glad 'at that's thee! +Aw need thy advice, lass, aw'm sure; +Aw'm all ov a mooild tha can see, +Aw wor never i' this way afoor, +Aw've net slept a wink all th' neet throo; +Aw've been twirling abaght like a worm, +An' th' blankets gate felter'd, lass, too-- +Tha niver saw cloas i' sich form. +Aw'll tell thee what 't all wor abaght-- +But promise tha'll keep it reight squat, +For aw wodn't for th' world let it aght; +But aw can't keep it in--tha knows that. +We'd a meetin at the schooil yesterneet, +An' Jimmy wor thear,--tha's seen Jim? +An' he hutch'd cloise to me in a bit, +To ax me for th' number o'th' hymn; +Aw thowt 't wor a gaumless trick, +For he heeard it geen aght th' same as me; +An' he just did th' same thing tother wick,-- +It made fowk tak noatice, dos't see. +An' when aw wor gooin towards hooam +Aw heeard som'dy comin behund: +'Twor pitch dark, an' aw thowt if they coom, +Aw should varry near sink into th' graund. +Aw knew it wor Jim bi his traid, +An' aw tried to get aght ov his gate; +But a'a! tha minds, lass, aw wor flaid, +Aw wor niver i' sich en a state. +Then aw felt som'dy's arm raand my shawl, +An' aw said, "nah, leave loise or aw'll screeam! +Can't ta let daycent lasses alooan, +Consarn thi up! what does ta mean?" +But he stuck to mi arm like a leach, +An' he whispered a word i' mi ear; +It took booath my breeath an' my speech, +For aw'm varry sooin thrown aght o' gear. +Then he squeezed me cloise up to his sel, +An' he kussed me, i' spite o' mi teeth: +Aw says, "Jimmy, forshame o' thisel!" +As sooin as aw'd getten mi breeath: +But he wodn't be quiet, for he said +'At he'd loved me soa true an' soa long-- +Aw'd ha' geen a ear off my yed +To get loise--but tha knows he's so a strong-- +Then he tell'd me he wanted a wife, +An' he begged 'at aw wodn't say nay;-- +Aw'd ne'er heeard sich a tale i' mi life, +Aw wor fesen'd whativer to say; +Cos tha knows aw've a likin' for Jim; +But yo can't allus say what yo mean, +For aw tremeld i' ivery limb, +But at last aw began to give way, +For, raylee, he made sich a fuss, +An aw kussed him an' all--for they say, +Ther's nowt costs mich less nor a kuss. +Then he left me at th' end o' awr street, +An' aw've felt like a fooil all th' neet throo; +But if aw should see him to neet, +What wod ta advise me to do? +But dooant spaik a word--tha's noa need, +For aw've made up mi mind ha to act, +For he's th' grandest lad iver aw seed, +An' aw like him th' best too--that's a fact! + + +Stop at Hooam + +"Tha wodn't goa an leave me, Jim, + All lonely by mysel? +My een at th' varry thowts grow dim-- + Aw connot say farewell. + +Tha vow'd tha couldn't live unless + Tha saw me every day, +An' said tha knew noa happiness + When aw wor foorced a way. + +An th' tales tha towld, I know full weel, + Wor true as gospel then; +What is it, lad, 'at ma's thee feel + Soa strange--unlike thisen? + +Ther's raam enuff, aw think tha'll find, + I'th taan whear tha wor born, +To mak a livin, if tha'll mind + To ha' faith i' to-morn. + +Aw've mony a time goan to mi wark + Throo claads o' rain and sleet; +All's seem'd soa dull, soa drear, an' dark, + It ommust mud be neet. + +But then, when braikfast time's come raand, + Aw've seen th' sun's cheerin ray, +An' th' heavy lukkin claads have slunk + Like skulkin lads away. + +An' then bi nooin it's shooan soa breet + Aw've sowt some shade to rest, +An' as aw've paddled hooam at neet, + Glorious it's sunk i'th west. + +An' tho' a claad hangs ovver thee, + (An' trouble's hard to bide), +Have patience, lad, an' wait an' see + What's hid o'th' tother side. + +If aw wor free to please mi mind, + Aw'st niver mak this stur; +But aw've a mother ommust blind, + What mud become o' her? + +Tha knows shoo cared for me, when waik + An' helpless ivery limb, +Aw'm feeard her poor owd heart ud braik + If aw'd to leave her, Jim. + +Aw like to hear thee talk o' th' trees + 'At tower up to th' sky, +An' th' burds 'at flutterin i'th' breeze, + Lie glitterin' jewels fly. + +Woll th' music of a shepherd's reed + May gently float along, +Lendin its tender notes to lead + Some fair maid's simple song; + +An' flaars 'at grow o' ivery side, + Such as we niver see; +But here at hooam, at ivery stride, + There's flaars for thee an' me. + +Aw care net for ther suns soa breet, + Nor warblin melody; +Th' clink o' thi clogs o' th' flags at neet + Saands sweeter, lad, to me. + +An' tho' aw wear a gingham gaan, + A claat is noa disgrace; +Tha'll niver find a heart moor warm + Beat under silk or lace. + +Then settle daan, tak my advice, + Give up this wish to rooam! +An' if tha luks, tha'll find lots nice + Worth stoppin' for at hooam." + +"God bless thee, Jenny! dry that e'e, + An' gi'e us howd thi hand! +For words like thoase, throo sich as thee, + What mortal could withstand! + +It isn't mich o'th' world aw know, + But aw con truly say, +A faithful heart's too rich to throw + Withaat a thowt away. + +So here aw'll stay, and should fate fraan, + Aw'll tew for thine and thee, +An' seek for comfort when cast daan, + I'th' sunleet o' thi e'e." + + +The Short-Timer + +Some poets sing o' gipsy queens, + An' some o' ladies fine; +Aw'll sing a song o' other scenes, + A humbler muse is mine: +Jewels, an' gold, an' silken frills, + Are things too heigh for me, +But woll mi harp wi' vigour thrills, + Aw'll strike a chord for thee. + Poor lassie wan, + Do th' best tha can, + Although thi fate be hard; + A time ther'll be + When sich as thee + Shall have yor full reward. + +At hauf-past five tha leaves thi bed, + An' off tha goes to wark; +An' gropes thi way to mill or shed, + Six months o'th' year i'th' dark. +Tha gets but little for thi pains, + But that's noa fault o' thine; +Thi maister reckons up his gains, + An' ligs i' bed till nine. + Poor lassie wan, &c. + +He's little childer ov his own + 'At's quite as old as thee; +They ride i' cushioned carriages + 'At's beautiful to see; +They'd fear to spoil ther little hand, + To touch thy greasy brat: +It's wark like thine 'as maks 'em grand + They niver think o' that. + Poor lassie wan, &c. + +I' summer time they romp an' play + Where flowers grow wild and sweet; +Ther bodies strong, ther spirits gay, + They thrive throo morn to neet. +But tha's a cough, aw hear tha has; + An' oft aw've known thee sick; +But tha mun work, poor little lass, + For hauf-a-craan a wick. + Poor lassie wan, &c. + +Aw envy net fowks' better lot-- + Aw should'nt like to swap. +Aw'm quite contented wi'mi cot; + Aw'm but a warkin chap. +But if aw had a lot o' brass + Aw'd think o' them 'at's poor; +Aw'd have yo' childer workin' less, + An' mak yor wages moor. + Poor lassie wan, &c. + +"There is a land of pure delight, + Where saints immortal reign, +Infinite day excludes the night, + And pleasures banish pain." +Noa fact'ry bell shall greet thi ear, + I' that sweet home ov love; +An' those 'at scorn thi sufferins here + May envy thee above. + Poor lassie wan, &c. + + +Th' First o'th Sooart + +Aw heeard a funny tale last neet-- +Aw could'nt howd fro' laffin-- +'Twor at th' Bull's Heead we chonced to meet, +An' spent an haar i' chaffin. +Some sang a song, some cracked a joak, +An' all seem'd full o' larkin; +An' th' raam war blue wi' bacca smook, +An' ivery e'e'd a spark in. + +Long Joa 'at comes thro th' Jumples cluff, +Wor gettin rayther mazy; +An' Warkus Ned had supped enuff +To turn they're Betty crazy;-- +An Bob at lives at th' Bogeggs farm, +Wi' Nan throo th' Buttress Bottom, +Wor treating her to summat wanm, +(It's just his way,--"odd drot em!") + +An' Jack o'th' Slade wor theear as weel, +An' Joa o' Abe's throo Waerley; +An' Lijah off o'th' Lavver Hill, +Wor passing th' ale raand rarely.-- +Throo raand and square they seem'd to meet, +To hear or tell a stoory; +But th' gem o' all aw heard last neet +Wor one bi Dooad o'th' gloory. + +He bet his booits 'at it wor true, +An' all seem'd to believe him; +Tho' if he'd lost he need'nt rue-- +But 't wodn't ha done to grieve him +His uncle lived i' Pudsey taan, +An' practised local praichin; +An' if he 're lucky, he wor baan +To start a schooil for taichin. + +But he wor takken varry ill; +He felt his time wor comin: +(They say he brought it on hissel +Wi' studdyin his summin.) +He call'd his wife an' neighbors in +To hear his deein sarmon, +An' tell'd 'em if they liv'd i' sin +Ther lot ud be a warm en. + +Then turin raand unto his wife, +Said--"Mal, tha knows, owd craytur, +If awd been bless'd wi' longer life, +Aw might ha' left things straighter. +Joa Sooitill owes me eighteen pence-- +Aw lent it him last lovefeast." +Says Mal--"He has'nt lost his sense-- +Thank God for that at least!" + +"An Ben o'th' top o'th' bank tha knows, +We owe him one paand ten.".-- +"Just hark!" says Mally, "there he goas! +He's ramellin agean! +Dooant tak a bit o' noatice, fowk! +Yo see, poor thing, he's ravin! +It cuts me up to hear sich talk-- +He spent his life i' savin! + +"An, Mally, lass," he said agean, +"Tak heed o' my direction: +Th' schooil owes us hauf a craan--aw mean +My share o'th' last collection.-- +Tha'll see to that, an have what's fair +When my poor life is past."-- +Says Mally, "listen, aw declare, +He's sensible to th' last." + +He shut his een an' sank to rest-- +Deeath seldom claimed a better: +They put him by,--but what wor th' best, +He sent 'em back a letter, +To tell 'em all ha he'd gooan on; +An' ha he gate to enter; +An' gave 'em rules to act upon +If ever they should ventur. + +Theear Peter stood wi' keys i' hand: +Says he, "What do you want, sir? +If to goa in--yo understand +Unknown to me yo can't sir.-- +Pray what's your name? where are yo throo? +Just make your business clear." +Says he, "They call me Parson Drew, +Aw've come throo Pudsey here." + +"You've come throo Pudsey, do you say? +Doant try sich jokes o' me, sir; +Aw've kept thease doors too long a day, +Aw can't be fooiled bi thee, sir." +Says Drew, "aw wodn't tell a lie, +For th' sake o' all ther's in it: +If yo've a map o' England by, +Aw'll show yo in a minit." + +Soa Peter gate a time-table-- +They gloored o'er th' map together: +Drew did all at he wor able, +But could'nt find a stiver. +At last says he, "Thear's Leeds Taan Hall, +An thear stands Braforth mission: +It's just between them two--that's all: +Your map's an old edition. + +But thear it is, aw'll lay a craan, +An' if yo've niver known it, +Yo've miss'd a bonny Yorksher taan, +Tho mony be 'at scorn it." +He oppen'd th' gate,--says he, "It's time +Some body coom--aw'll trust thee. +Tha'll find inside noa friends o' thine-- +Tha'rt th' furst 'at's come throo Pudsey." + + +Lines, on finding a butterfly in a weaving shed. + +Nay surelee tha's made a mistak; + Tha'rt aght o' thi element here; +Tha may weel goa an' peark up oth' thack, + Thi bonny wings shakin wi fear. + +Aw should think 'at theease rattlin looms + Saand queer sooart o' music to thee; +An' tha'll hardly quite relish th' perfumes + O' miln-grease,--what th' quality be. + +Maybe' tha'rt disgusted wi' us, + An' thinks we're a low offald set +But tha'rt sadly mistaen if tha does, + For ther's hooap an' ther's pride in us yet. + +Tha wor nobbut a worm once thisen, + An' as humble as humble could be; +An' tho we nah are like tha wor then, + We may yet be as nobby as thee. + +Tha'd to see thi own livin when young, + An' when tha grew up tha'd to spin; +An' if labor like that worn't wrong, + Tha con hardly call wayvin 'a sin.' + +But tha longs to be off aw con tell; + For tha shows 'at tha ar'nt content: +Soa aw'll oppen thee th' window--farewell! + Off tha goas, bonny fly!--An' it went. + + +Uncle Ben + +A gradely chap wor uncle Ben + As iver lived ith' fowd: +He made a fortun for hissen, + An' lived on't when he'r owd. +His yed wor like a snow drift, + An' his face wor red an' breet, +An' his heart wor like a feather, + For he did the thing 'at's reet. + +He wore th' same suit o' fustian clooas + He'd worn sin aw wor bred; +An' th' same owd booits, wi' cappel'd tooas, + An' th' same hat for his yed; +His cot wor lowly, yet he'd sing + Throo braik o' day till neet; +His conscience niver felt a sting, + For he did the thing 'at's reet. + +He wod'nt swap his humble state + Wi' th' grandest fowk i' th' land; +He niver wanted silver plate, + Nor owt 'at's rich and grand; +He did'nt sleep wi' curtained silk + Drawn raand him ov a neet, +But he slept noa war for th' want o' that, + For he'd done the thing 'at's reet. + +Owd fowk called him "awr Benny," + Young fowk, "mi uncle Ben,"-- +An' th' childer, "gronfather," or "dad," + Or what best pleased thersen. +A gleam o' joy coom o'er his face + When he heeard ther patterin feet, +For he loved to laik wi' th' little bairns + An' he did the thing 'at's reet. + +He niver turned poor fowk away + Uncared for throo his door; +He ne'er forgate ther wor a day + When he hissen wor poor; +An' mony a face has turned to Heaven, + All glistenin wi' weet, +An' prayed for blessins on owd Ben, + For he did th' thing 'at's reet. + +He knew his lease wor ommost spent, + He'd sooin be called away; +Yet he wor happy an' content, + An' waited th' comin day; +But one dark neet he shut his e'en, + An' slept soa calm an' sweet, +when mornin coom, th' world held one less, + 'At did the thing 'at's reet. + + +The New Year's Resolve + +Says Dick, "ther's a' notion sprung up i' mi yed, + For th' furst time i' th' whole coorse o' mi life, +An' aw've takken a fancy aw'st like to be wed, + If aw knew who to get for a wife. + +Aw dooant want a woman wi' beauty, nor brass, + For aw've nawther to booast on misel; +What aw want is a warm-hearted, hard-workin' lass, + An' ther's lots to be fun, aw've heeard tell. + +To be single is all weel enuf nah an' then, + But it's awk'ard when th' weshin' day comes; +For aw nivver think sooapsuds agree weel wi' men; + They turn all mi ten fingers to thumbs. + +An' awm sure it's a fact, long afoor aw get done, + Aw'm slopt throo mi waist to mi fit; +An' th' floor's in' a pond, as if th' peggy-tub run, + An' mi back warks as if it 'ud split. + +Aw fancied aw'st manage at breead-bakin' best; + Soa one day aw bethowt me to try, +But aw gate soa flustered, aw ne'er thowt o'th' yeast, + Soa aw mud as weel offered to fly. + +Aw did mak a dumplin', but a'a! dear a me! + Abaght that lot aw hardly dar think; +Aw ne'er fan th' mistak' till aw missed th' sooap, yo see, + An' saw th' suet i'th' sooap-box o'th' sink. + +But a new-year's just startin', an' soa aw declare + Aw'll be wed if a wife's to be had; +For mi clooas is soa ragg'd woll aw'm ommost hauf bare, + An' thease mullucks, they're drivin' me mad. + +Soa, if yo should know, or should chonce to hear tell, + Ov a lass 'at to wed is inclined, +Talegraft me at once, an' aw'll see her misel + Afoor shoo can alter her mind." + + +The Old Bachelor's Story + +It was an humble cottage, + Snug in a rustic lane, +Geraniums and fuschias peep'd + From every window-pane; + +The dark-leaved ivy dressed its walls, + Houseleek adorned the thatch; +The door was standing open wide, + They had no need of latch. + +And close besides the corner + There stood an old stone well, +Which caught a mimic waterfall, + That warbled as it fell. + +The cat, crouched on the well-worn steps, + Was blinking in the sun; +The birds sang out a welcome + To the morning just begun. + +An air of peace and happiness + Pervaded all the scene; +The tall trees formed a back ground + Of rich and varied green; + +And all was steeped in quietness, + Save nature's music wild, +When all at once, methought I heard + The sobbing of a child.-- + +I listened, and the sound again + Smote clearly on my ear: +"Can there,"--I wondering asked myself-- + "Can there be sorrow here?"-- + +I looked within, and on the floor + Was sat a little boy, +Striving to soothe his sister's grief + By giving her a toy. + +"Why weeps your sister thus?" I asked; + "What is her cause of grief? +Come tell me, little man," I said, + "Come tell me, and be brief." + +Clasping his sister closer still, + He kissed her tear-stained face, +And thus, in homely Yorkshire phrase, + He told their mournful case. + + ------ + +"Mi mammy, sir, shoos liggin thear, + I' th' shut-up bed i' th' nook; +An' tho aw've tried to wakken her, + Shoo'll nawther spaik nor look. + +Mi sissy wants her poridge, + An' its time shoo had em too, +But th' foir's gooan aght an' th' mail's all done-- + Aw dooant know what to do. + +An' O, my mammy's varry cold-- + Just come an' touch her arm: +Aw've done mi best to hap her up, + But connot mak her warm. + +Mi daddy he once fell asleep, + An' niver wakken'd moor: +Aw saw 'em put him in a box, + An' tak him aght o' th' door. + +He niver comes to see us nah, + As once he used to do, +An' let'mi ride upon his back-- + Me, an' mi sissy too. + +An' if they know mi mammy sleeps, + Soa cold, an' white, an' still, +Aw'm feeard they'll come an' fotch her, sir; + O, sir, aw'm feard they will! + +Aw happen could get on misen, + For aw con work a bit, +But little sissy, sir, yo see, + Shoo's' varra young as yet. + +Oh! dunnot let fowk tak mi mam! + Help me to rouse her up! +An' if shoo wants her physic, + See,--it's in this little cup. + +Aw know her heead war bad last neet, + When putting us to bed; +Shoo said, 'God bless yo, little things!' + An' that wor all shoo said. + +Aw saw a tear wor in her e'e-- + In fact, it's seldom dry: +Sin daddy went shoo allus cries, + But niver tells us why. + +Aw think it's coss he isn't here, + 'At maks her e'en soa dim; +Shoo says, he'll niver come to us, + But we may goa to him. + +But if shoo's gooan an' left us here, + What mun we do or say?-- +We cannot follow her unless, + Somebody 'll show us th' way." + + ---- + +My heart was full to bursting, + When I heard the woeful tale; +I gazed a moment on the face + Which death had left so pale; + +Then clasping to my heaving breast + The little orphan pair, +I sank upon my bended knees, + And offered up a prayer, + +That God would give me power to aid + Those children in distress, +That I might as a father be + Unto the fatherless. + +Then coaxingly I led them forth; + And as the road was long, +I bore them in my arms by turns-- + Their tears had made me strong. + +I took them to my humble home, + Where now they may be seen, +The lad,--a noble-minded youth,-- + His "sissy,"--beauty's queen. + +And now if you should chance to see, + Far from the bustling throng, +An old man, whom a youth and maid + Lead tenderly along;-- + +And if you, wondering, long to know + The history of the three,-- +They are the little orphan pair-- + The poor old man is me: + +And on the little grassy mound + 'Neath which their parents sleep, +They bend the knee, and pray for me; + I pray for them and weep. + + +Aght o' Wark + +Aw've been laikin for ommost eight wick, + An' aw can't get a day's wark to do! +Aw've trailed abaght th' streets wol awm sick + An' aw've worn mi clog-soils ommost through. + +Aw've a wife an' three childer at hooam, + An' aw know they're all lukkin at th' clock, +For they think it's high time aw should come, + An' bring 'em a morsel 'o jock. + +A'a dear! it's a pitiful case + When th' cubbord is empty an' bare; +When want's stamped o' ivery face, + An' yo hav'nt a meal yo can share. + +Today as aw walked into th' street, + Th' squire's carriage went rattlin past; +An' aw thout 'at it hardly luk'd reet, + For aw had'nt brokken mi fast. + +Them horses, aw knew varry weel, + Wi' ther trappins all shinin i' gold, +Had nivver known th' want of a meal, + Or a shelter to keep 'em thro' th' cold. + +Even th' dogs have enuff an' to spare, + Tho' they ne'er worked a day i' ther life; +But ther maisters forget they should care + For a chap 'at's three bairns an' a wife. + +They give dinners at th' hall ivery neet, + An' ther's carriages stand in bi'th scoor, +An' all th' windows are blazin wi leet, + But they seldom give dinners to th' poor. + +I' mi pocket aw hav'nt a rap, + Nor a crust, nor a handful o' mail; +An' unless we can get it o'th strap, + We mun pine, or mun beg, or else stail. + +But hoamwards aw'll point mi owd clogs + To them three little lambs an' ther dam;-- +Aw wish they wor horses or dogs, + For its nobbut poor fowk 'at's to clam. + +But they say ther is One 'at can see, + An' has promised to guide us safe through; +Soa aw'll live on i'hopes, an' surelee, + He'll find a chap summat to do. + + +Another Babby + +Another!--well, my bonny lad, + A'w wodn't send thee back; +Altho' we thowt we hadn't raam, + Tha's fun some in a crack. + +It maks me feel as pleased as punch + To see thi pratty face; +Ther's net another child i'th bunch + Moor welcome to a place + +Aw'st ha' to fit a peark for thee, + I' some nook o' mi cage; +But if another comes, raylee! + Aw'st want a bigger wage. + +But aw'm noan feard tha'll ha' to want-- + We'll try to pool thee throo, +For Him who has mi laddie sent, + He'll send his baggin too. + +He hears the little sparrows chirp, + An' answers th' raven's call; +He'll never see one want for owt, + 'At's worth aboon 'em all. + +But if one on us mun goa short, + (Although it's hard to pine,) +Thy little belly shall be fill'd + Whativer comes o' mine. + +A chap con nobbut do his best, + An' that aw'll do for thee, +Leavin to providence all th' rest, + An' we'st get help'd, tha'll see. + +An' if thi lot's as bright an' fair + As aw could wish it, lad, +Tha'll come in for a better share + Nor iver blessed thi dad. + +Aw think aw'st net ha' lived for nowt, + If, when deeath comes, aw find +Aw leave some virtuous lasses + An' some honest lads behind. + +An' tho' noa coat ov arms may grace + For me, a sculptor'd stooan, +Aw hope to leave a noble race, + Wi arms o' flesh an' booan. + +Then cheer up, lad, tho' things luk black, + Wi' health, we'll persevere, +An' try to find a brighter track-- + We'll conquer, niver fear! + +An may God shield thee wi' his wing, + Along life's stormy way, +An' keep thi heart as free throo sin, + As what it is to-day. + + +Th' Little Black Hand + +Ther's a spark just o'th tip o' mi pen, +An' it may be poetical fire; +An' suppoase 'at it is'nt--what then? +Wod yo bawk a chap ov his desire? + +Aw'm detarmined to scribble away-- +Soa's them 'at's a fancy con read; +An' tho aw turn neet into day, +If aw'm suitin an odd en, neer heed! + +Aw own ther's mich pleasure i' life; +But then ther's abundance o' care, +An' them 'at's contented wi' strife +May allus mak sure o' ther share. + +But aw'll laff woll mi galluses braik, +Tho mi bed's net as soft as spun silk; +An' if butter be aght o' mi raik, +Aw'll ma' th' best ov a drop o' churn milk. + +It's nooan them 'at's getten all th' brass +'At's getten all th' pleasure, net it! +When aw'm smookin a pipe wi' th' owd lass, +Aw con thoil 'em whativer they get. + +But sometimes when aw'm walkin throo th' street, +An' aw see fowk hauf-clam'd, an' i' rags, +Wi noa bed to lig daan on at neet +But i'th' warkus, or th' cold-lukkin flags; + +Then aw think, if rich fowk nobbut' knew +What ther brothers i' poverty feel, +They'd a trifle moor charity show, +An' help 'em sometimes to a meal. + +But we're all far too fond of ussen, +To bother wi' things aght o'th' seet; +An' we leeav to ther fate sich as them +'At's noa bed nor noa supper' at neet. + +But ther's mony a honest heart throbs, +Tho' it throbs under rags an' i' pains, +'At wod'nt disgrace one o'th' nobs, +'At booasts better blooid in his veins. + +See that child thear! 'at's working away, +An' sweepin that crossin i'th' street: +He's been thear iver sin it coom day, +An' yo'll find him thear far into th' neet. + +See what hundreds goa thowtlessly by, +An' ne'er think o' that child wi' his broom! +What care they tho' he smothered a sigh, +Or wiped off a tear as they coom. + +But luk! thear's a man wi' a heart! +He's gien th' poor child summat at last: +Ha his een seem to twinkle an' start, +As he watches th' kind gentleman past! + +An' thear in his little black hand +He sees a gold sovereign shine! +He thinks he ne'er saw owt soa grand, +An' he says, "Sure it connot be mine!" + +An' all th' lads cluther raand him i' glee, +An' tell him to cut aght o'th seet; +But he clutches it fast,--an' nah see +Ha he's threedin his way along th' street, + +Till he comes to that varry same man, +An' he touches him gently o'th' back, +An' he tells him as weel as he can, +'At he fancies he's made a mistak. + +An' th' chap luks at that poor honest lad, +With his little naked feet, as he stands, +An' his heart oppens wide--he's soa glad +Woll he taks one o'th little black hands, + +An' he begs him to tell him his name: +But th' child glances timidly raand-- +Poor craytur! he connot forshame +To lift up his een off o'th graand. + +But at last he finds courage to spaik, +An' he tells him they call him poor Joa; +'At his mother is sickly an' waik; +An' his father went deead long ago; + +An' he's th' only one able to work +Aght o' four; an' he does what he can, +Thro' early at morn till it's dark: +An' he hopes 'at he'll sooin be a man. + +An' he tells him his mother's last word, +As he starts for his labour for th' day, +Is to put 'all his trust in the Lord, +An' He'll net send him empty away.-- + +See that man! nah he's wipin his een, +An' he gives him that bright piece o' gowd; +An' th' lad sees i' that image o'th Queen +What 'll keep his poor mother thro' th' cowd. + +An' mony a time too, after then, +Did that gentleman tak up his stand +At that crossing an' watch for hissen +The work ov that little black hand. + +An' when-years had gone by, he expressed +'At i'th' spite ov all th' taichin he'd had, +An' all th' lessons he'd leearn'd, that wor th' best +'At wor towt by that poor little lad. + +Tho' the proud an' the wealthy may prate, +An' booast o' ther riches and land, +Some o'th' laadest ul sink second-rate +To that lad with his little black hand. + + +Lilly's Gooan + +"Well, Robert! what's th' matter! nah mun, +Aw see 'at ther's summat nooan sweet; +Thi een luk as red as a sun-- +Aw saw that across th' width of a street; +Aw hope 'at yor Lily's noa war-- +Surelee--th' little thing is'nt deead? +Tha wod roor, aw think, if tha dar-- +What means ta bi shakin thi heead? +Well, aw see bi thi sorrowful e'e +At shoo's gooan, an' aw'm soory, but yet, +When youngens like her hap ta dee, +They miss troubles as some live to hit. +Tha mun try an' put up wi' thi loss, +Tha's been praad o' that child, aw mun say, +But give over freatin, becoss +It's for th' best if shoo's been taen away." +"A'a! Daniel, it's easy for thee +To talk soa, becoss th' loss is'nt thine; +But its ommost deeath-blow to me, +Shoo wor prized moor nor owt else 'at's mine; +An' when aw bethink me shoo's gooan, +Mi feelins noa mortal can tell; +Mi heart sinks wi' th' weight ov a stooan, +An' aw'm capped 'at aw'm livin mysel. +Aw shall think on it wor aw to live +To be th' age o' Methusla or moor; +Tho' shoo said 'at aw had'nt to grieve, +We should booath meet agean, shoo wor sure: +An' when shoo'd been dreamin one day, +Shoo said shoo could hear th' angels call; +But shoo could'nt for th' life goa away +Till they call'd for her daddy an' all. +An' as sooin as aw coom thro' my wark, +Shoo'd ha' me to sit bi her bed; +An' thear aw've watched haars i'th' dark, +An' listened to all 'at shoo's said; +Shoo's repeated all th' pieces shoo's learnt, +When shoo's been ov a Sundy to th' schooil, +An ax'd me what dift'rent things meant, +Woll aw felt aw wor nobbut a fooill +An' when aw've been gloomy an' sad, +Shoo's smiled an' taen hold o' mi hand, +An whispered, 'yo munnot freat, dad; +Aw'm gooin to a happier land; +An' aw'll tell Jesus when aw get thear, +'At aw've left yo here waitin his call; +An' He'll find yo a place, niver fear, +For ther's room up i' heaven for all. +An' this mornin, when watchin th' sun rise, +Shoo said, 'daddy, come nearer to me, +Thers a mist comin ovver mi eyes, +An' aw find at aw hardly can see.-- +Gooid bye!--kiss yor Lily agean,-- +Let me pillow mi heead o' yor breast! +Aw feel now aw'm freed thro' mi pain; +Then Lily shoo went to her rest." + + +My Native Twang + +They tell me aw'm a vulgar chap, +An owt to goa to th' schooil +To leearn to talk like other fowk, +An' net be sich a fooil; +But aw've a noashun, do yo see, +Although it may be wrang, +The sweetest music is to me, +Mi own, mi native twang. + +An' when away throo all mi friends, +I' other taans aw rooam, +Aw find ther's nowt con mak amends +For what aw've left at hooam; +But as aw hurry throo ther streets +Noa matter tho aw'm thrang, +Ha welcome if mi ear but greets +Mi own, mi native twang. + +Why some despise it, aw can't tell, +It's plain to understand; +An' sure aw am it saands as weel, +Tho happen net soa grand. +Tell fowk they're courtin, they're enraged, +They call that vulgar slang; +But if aw tell 'em they're engaged, +That's net mi native twang. + +Mi father, tho' he may be poor, +Aw'm net ashamed o' him; +Aw love mi mother tho' shoo's deeaf, +An tho' her een are dim; +Aw love th' owd taan; aw love to walk +Its crucken'd streets amang; +For thear it is aw hear fooak tawk +Mi own, mi native twang. + +Aw like to hear hard-workin' fowk +Say boldly what they meean; +For tho' ther hands are smeared wi' muck, +May be ther hearts are cleean, +An' them 'at country fowk despise, +Aw say, "Why, let' em hang;" +They'll niver rob mi sympathies +Throo thee, mi native twang, + +Aw like to see grand ladies, +When they're donn'd i' silks soa fine; +Aw like to see ther dazzlin' e'en +Throo th' carriage winders shine: +Mi mother wor a woman, +An' tho' it may be wrang, +Aw love 'em all, but mooastly them +'At tawk mi native twang. + +Aw wish gooid luck to ivery one; +Gooid luck to them 'ats brass; +Gooid luck an' better times to come +To them 'ats poor--alas! +An' may health, wealth, an' sweet content +For iver dwell amang +True, honest-hearted, Yorkshire fowk, +At tawk mi native twang. + + +Shoo's thi Sister + +(Written on seeing a wealthy townsman rudely push +a poor little girl off the pavement.) + +Gently, gently, shoo's thi sister, + Tho' her clooas are nowt but rags; +On her feet ther's monny a blister: + See ha painfully shoo drags +Her tired limbs to some quiet corner: +Shoo's thi sister--dunnot scorn her. + +Daan her cheeks noa tears are runnin, + Shoo's been shov'd aside befoor; +Used to scoffs, an' sneers, an'shunnin-- + Shoo expects it, coss shoo's poor; +Schooil'd for years her grief to smother, +Still shoos human--tha'rt her brother. + +Tho' tha'rt donn'd i' fine black cloathin, +A kid glove o' awther hand, +Dunnot touch her roughly, loathin-- +Shoo's thi sister, understand: +Th' wind maks merry wi' her tatters, +Poor lost pilgrim!--but what matters? + +Lulk ha sharp her elbow's growin, + An' ha pale her little face, +An' her hair neglected, showin + Her's has been a sorry case; +O, mi heart felt sad at th' seet, +When tha shov'd her into th' street + +Ther wor once a "Man," mich greater + Nor thisen wi' all thi brass, +Him, awr blessed Mediator,-- + Wod He scorn that little lass? +Noa, He called 'em, an' He blessed 'em, +An' His hands divine caress'd 'em. + +Goa thi ways I an' if tha bears net + Some regret for what tha's done, +If tha con pass on, an' cares net + For that sufferin' little one; +Then ha'iver poor shoo be, +Yet shoos rich compared wi' thee. + +Oh! 'at this breet gold should blind us, + To awr duties here below! +For we're forced to leave behind us + All awr pomp, an' all awr show: +Why then should we slight another? +Shoo's thi sister, unkind brother. + + +Persevere. + +What tho' th' claads aboon luk dark, + Th' sun's just waitin to peep throo, +Let us buckle to awr wark, + For ther's lots o' jobs to do: +Tho' all th' world luks dark an' drear, + Let's ha' faith, an' persevere. + +He's a fooil 'at sits an' mumps + 'Coss some troubles hem him raand! +Man mud allus be i'th dumps, + If he sulk'd coss fortun fraand; +Th' time 'll come for th' sky to clear:-- + Let's ha' faith, an' persevere. + +If we think awr lot is hard, + Niver let us mak a fuss; +Lukkin raand, at ivery yard, + We'st find others war nor us; +We have still noa cause to fear! +Let's ha' faith, an' persevere. + +A faint heart, aw've heeard 'em say, + Niver won a lady fair: +Have a will! yo'll find a way! + Honest men ne'er need despair. +Better days are drawin' near:-- +Then ha' faith, an' persevere. + +Workin men,--nah we've a voice, + An' con help to mak new laws; +Let us iver show awr choice + Lains to strengthen virtue's cause, +Wrangs to reighten,--griefs to cheer; +This awr motto--'persevere.' + +Let us show to foreign empires + Loyalty's noa empty booast; +We can scorn the thirsty vampires + If they dar molest awr cooast: +To awr Queen an' country dear +Still we'll cling an' persevere. + +But as on throo life we hurry, + By whativer path we rooam, +Let us ne'er forget i'th' worry, + True reform begins at hooam: +Then, to prove yorsens sincere, +Start at once; an' persevere. + +Hard wark, happen yo may find it, + Some dear folly to forsake, +Be detarmined ne'er to mind it! + Think, yor honor's nah at stake. +Th' gooid time's drawin varry near! +Then ha' faith, an' persevere. + + +To a Roadside Flower + +Tha bonny little pooasy! aw'm inclined + To tak thee wi' me: +But yet aw think if tha could spaik thi mind, + Tha'd ne'er forgie me; +For I' mi jacket button-hoil tha'd quickly dee, +An' life is short enough, boath for mi-sen an' thee. + +Here, if aw leeave thee bi th' rooadside to flourish, + Whear scoors may pass thee, +Some heart 'at has few other joys to cherish + May stop an' bless thee: +Then bloom, mi little pooasy! Tha'rt a beauty, +Sent here to bless: Smile on--tha does thi duty. + +Aw wodn't rob another of a joy + Sich as tha's gien me; +For aw felt varry sad, mi little doy + Until aw'd seen thee. +An' may each passin', careworn, lowly brother, +Feel cheered like me, an' leave thee for another. + + +Prose. Hartley's Cream of Wit and Humour + +The New Year + +What a charm ther is abaat owt new; whether it's a new year or a new +waist-coit. Aw sometimes try to fancy what sooart ov a world ther'd +be if ther wor nowt new. + +Solomon sed ther wor nowt new under th' sun; an' he owt to know if +onybody did. Maybe he wor reight if we luk at it i' some ways, but aw +think it's possible to see it in another leet. If ther wor nowt new, +ther'd be nowt to hooap for--nowt to live for but to dee; an' we +should lang for that time to come just for th' sake ov a change. Ha +anxiously a little child looks forrard to th' time when he's to have a +new toy, an' ha he prizes it at furst when he's getten it: but in a +while he throws it o' one side an' cries fur summat new. Ha he langs +to be as big as his brother, soa's he can have a new bat an' ball; an' +his brother langs for th' time when he can leeave schooil an' goa work +for his livin'; an' varry likely his fayther's langin' for th' time +when he can live withaat workin'--all on 'em langin for summat new. +Langill' for things new doesn't prevent us lovin' things at's owd. Who +isn't praad ov ther owd fayther, as he sits i' tharm-cheer an' tells +long tales abaat what he can remember bein' new? An' who doesn't feel +a soothin' kind ov a feelin' come ovver him when his mother's kindly +warnin' falls on his ear, as shoo tells him "what-iver he does, net to +be soa fond ov ivery thing new?" What a love fowk get for "th' owd +haase;" but ther's moor o'th' past nor o'th' futur' i' these feelin's, +they're not hopeful, an' its hopeful feelin's at keeps th' world a +goin', its hooap at maks us keep o'th' look aat for summat fresh. + +Aw've heeard fowk wish for things to keep just as they are, they say +they dooant want owt new. What a mistak' they mak! They're wishin' +for what ud be th' mooast of a novelty. Things willn't stop as they +are, an' it wodn't be reight if they did. It's all weel enuff for +them at's feathered ther nest to feel moderate contented, but them +at's sufferin' for want ov a meal's mait are all hopin' for a change +for th' better. Owd hats an' owd slippers are generally more +comfortable nor new ens, an' fowk "wish they'd niver be done,"--"they +hate owt new"--as if it wodn't be summat new if they could wear 'em +withaat 'em bein' done. Young fowk are allus moor anxious for changes +nor owd fowk, its likely enuff; like a child wi' a pictur book, watch +him turn ovver two or three leaves at th' beginnin', see ha delighted +he is; but in a while he turns ovver moor carelessly, an' befoor he +gets to th' end he leaves it, wearied with its variety, or falls hard +asleep opposite one at wod have fascinated him when he began. Life's +nobbut a pictur' book ov another sooart, at th' beginnin' we're +delighted wi' ivery fresh leeaf, an' we keep turnin' ovver till at +last we get wearied, an' had rayther sit quietly looking at one. But +we cannot stop, we ha' to goo throo th' book whether we like it or +net, until at last we shut us een an' fall asleep over summat new. + + +Valentine Day + +Ha monny young folk are langin for th' fourteenth o' February! An ha +mony old pooastmen wish it ud niver come? Sawr owd maids an' crusty +owd bachelors wonder 'at fowk should have noa moor sense nor to waste +ther brass on sich like nonsense. But it's noa use them talkin', for +young fowk have done it befoor time, an' as long as it's i'th' natur +on 'em to love one another an' get wed, soa long will valentine +makers have plenty to do at this time o'th' year. Ther's monny a +daycent sooart of a young chap at thinks he could like to mak up to a +young lass at he's met at th' chapel or some other place, but as +sooin as he gets at th' side on her, he caant screw his courage up to +th' stickin' place, an' he axes her some sooart ov a gaumless +question, sich as "ha's your mother," or summat he cares noa moor +abaat. An' as sooin as he gets to hissell he's fit to pail his heead +agean th' jaumstooan for bien sich a fooil. Well, nah, what can sich +a chap do? Why, send her a valentine ov coorse. Soa he gooas an' +buys her one wi' a grand piece ov poetry like this:-- + + "The rose is red, the violet's blue, + The pink is sweet, and so are you." + +It isn't to be expected 'at shoo can tell whear it's come throo; but +shoo could guess at twice, an guess puddin' once, that's the beauty +on it. Then th' way's oppen'd aat at once, he's gein her to +understand what ten to one shoo understood long afoor he did. Next +time they meet shoo's sure to ax him if he gate ony valentines, an' +then he'll smile an' say, "What for, did yo?" An' shoo'll show him +th' direction, an' ax him if he knows who's writing that is? An' +he'll luk at it as sackless as if he didn't know it wor his own-- +ther heeads get cloise together, an' shoo sighs an' he sighs, an' +then, if ther's noabody abaat he'll give hur a smack with his lips +an' lawp back as if he'd burned th' skin off 'em, an' shooo axes him +ha he con fashion to goa on like that, he owt to be ashamed ov his +face? An' all th' time shoo's wonderin' why he niver did it afoor. +Then, if ther's owt abaat him, it isn't long befoor ther's a weddin', +an' then he's begun life. He's settled into his nook i'th' world, an' +he feels he's a man. Troubles come, but then ther's a pleasure i' +bein able to maister 'em. He's summat to wark for besides his own +belly an' back. He's a heart-expandin' responsibility put on him. +His country benefits by him, for a man does moor for his country 'at +leaves ten weel-trained sons an' dowters nor him 'at leaves ten +thaasand paand. Then if sich a little simple thing as a valentine +can help a chap on his rooad in lite, aw say. + +Be hanged to th' Grumblers, goa a head Valentine Makkers!!! + + +March Winds + +These winds blow rayther strong--stronger sometimes nor what feels +pleasant. Ther's monny a chap has a race wi' his hat, an' it luks a +sheepish sooart ov a trick, an' iverybody can affooard to laff at him +just becoss it isn't them. But for all that aw alus think at th' +year's niver getten a reight start till after March. It's like as if +it comes blusterin' an' rooarin', just o' purpose to put things into +reight trim. It fotches daan th' owd watter spaats, an' lets fowk know +whear ther's a slate at's shakey. It gives th' trees a bit ov a whisk +raand an' wuthers abaat as if it wor detarmined to clear all th' maase +nooks aat, an' give us a fair start for th' fine weather. But that +isn't all it does; it finds aat if yo've ony owd teeth 'at's rayther +tender, (an' if ther's owt i'th' world at 'll wear aat a chap's +patience its th' tooith wark. Its bad enuff, but what maks it war to +bide is, iverybody can tell yo ha to cure it, an' for all that they +wor as fast what to do wi' it when they had it as onybody else.) But +what does it matter if it does find aat bits o' waik spots, there's +nowt like knowin whear they are, for then yo do stand a chonce o' +bein' able to tak care on 'em. But it does summat else beside--it +brings a fine day or two--an' th' grass begins to luk a trifle +greener, an' here an' thear i' bits o' shady nooks an' corners +sometimes yo can find a daisy or two; an' what is ther luks bonnier +nor th' first daisy yo find peepin up? It may be a bit ov a pindered +lookin thing, but its a daisy; an' aw dooant think at th' grandest +yo'll find all th' year 'll please yo hauf as weel as this. Little +children clap ther hands when they see it, becoss it tells 'em ther's +some fine weather comin' bye an' bye; an' they pluck it to tak hooam +wi' em' to show ther mother; an' ther grandfayther smiles when he sees +it, for it whispers a bit o' comfort to him, an' tells him to cheer +up! for th' time o'th' year's comin' when he'll be able to goa aat +o'th' door an' sit o'th green grass, an' hear th' burds sing, an' let +th' sun shine on his face, an' he willn't be feeard o' bringin' th' +rhumatic back wi' him; an' takkin it altogether it's one o' th' mooast +pleasin' things i' th' year is findin' a daisy i' March. It's strange +ha folk alter in a few years time. Luk at a child when its abaat five +or six years owd--see ha delighted it is wi' a gurt bunch ov innocent +lukkin' buttercups an' daisies. Noatice th' same child when he's +getten fourteen or fifteen years owd. He couldn't fashion to be seen +carryin' a bunch. See him agean when he's a man. He's noa time for +daisies then. What's th' reason? Daisies are as bonny nah as iver +they wor. Ther is a difference somewhear, but it isn't i'th' daisies. + + +April Fooils + +Niver try to mak a fooil ov onybody this month; ther's fooils enuff +i'th world already. It's oft struck me what a varry slight difference +ther is between a wise man and a fooil; one aims at summat an' hits +it--tother aims at summat an' misses it; an' aw have known th' time +when th' chap 'at's missed has been worth a dozen sich like as him +'at's hit. But th' world generally sets 'em daan to be wise men 'at +happen to be lucky men, an' get hold o' lots o' brass. An' ha monny +brains a chap has, if he can't spooart a pair o' kid gloves an' a +daycent hat, he mun niver hope for owt better nor to tak his place +amang th' fooils. Aw've monny a time thowt when aw've heared fowk +settin a chap daan as a fooil;--talk prattley--may be if he wor +weighed up he's a better man nor yo this minit; yo connot tell all 'at +he may have had to struggle wi'-- + + Circumstances alter cases, + Th' same as nooases alter faces. + +An' it's as weel to exercise a bit ov charity towards them 'at's set +daan to be fooils. "Young fowk think old fowk fooils, an' old fowk's +sure young uns is." An aw believe th' old fowk are oft varry near th' +mark,--for th' experience of a life time is little moor nor livin to +know what fooils we've been; an' if iver aw meet wi' a chap 'at can't +remember iver makkin a fooil ov hissen, aw shall expect to hear tell +on' him bein ta'en to th' blue slates directly. Poor Richard says, +"Experience is a dear schooil, but fooils will leearn i' noa other;" +an' who is ther 'at hasn't had to leearn i' that schooil? Its a hard +maister, an' we're apt to think, when we're under him, 'at he's war +wi' us nor onybody else; but when we've getten th' lessen off by heart +we find th' advantage on it. But ov all th' fooils it has been my +luck to meet wi,' them chaps 'at knows all are th' biggest. There's +some fowk think they're born wi' all th' wit i'th world, an' noabody +can taich 'em owt; whativer yo tell' em, they've allus "known that +long enuff sin'," or else they've "just been think in soa." Aw once +knew one o' that Sooart--one 'at had allus been thinkin soa. One day +some mates o' mine an' me thowt we cud like a marlock wi' him, an soa +we gooas up to him an says, "A'a Jooanas! whativer does ta think?" +"Nay," he says, "whativer will yo say? What's up?" "Why," aw says, +"Jim Hyn's dunkey's swallow'd th' grinelstooan." "Well, if aw hadn't +just been thinkin soa," says Jooanas. "Well, but tha thowt wrang, owd +boy, this time," aw says, "for it hasn't." "Why," he said, "aw hardly +thowt it had." Soa he had us at booath ends. They say it taks a wise +man to mak a fooil, but aw think ther's enuff withaat makkin ony moor, +an aw niver knew a fooil i' my life at didn't think ivery body else a +little bit war cracked nor hissen. + + +Policeman's Scrape + +Tawkin abaat policemen reminds me ov a mess one on 'em gate into a +while sin. Aw shalln't tell awther his name or his number, becoss it's +net my wish to get ony body into trouble. It's enuff for me to say +he's a gooid-lukkin chap, an' if he isn't wed his wife is. He wor on +neet duty, an' at one o' th' haases he had to pass, lived a fine buxom +sarvent. Policemen have allus been nooated for havin a fancy for +sarvents, an' this wor like th' rest, an' befoor long they grew soa +friendly 'at shoo used to invite him in after th' maister an' th' +mistress had gooan to bed. One neet he'd crept in, an' they wor +whisperin varry lovinly together, when shoo tell'd him ther wor noa +cold mait o' ony sooart. "Awm glad on it," he sed, "for awm stoled o' +cold stuff. That luks a bit o' nice bacon at's hung up, does ta think +tha could do me a bit anent th' fire, aw think ther's as mich heeat +as'll cook it?" + +"Well, Robert," shoo sed, "if yo'll sit daan an' wait awl try." + +Soa he put his lantern onto th' table an' sat daan wol shoo gate a +little dutch oven an hooked two nice collops in; but shoo fancied shoo +could enjoy one hersen, soa shoo stept up into a cheer to cut off +another, an' as shoo'd th' knife i' one hand an' cannel i' th' tother +shoo ovverbalanced hersen, and fell onto th' floor, settin up sich a +skrike as yo niver heeard. Th' 'cannel went aat when it fell an all +wor as dark as pitch, and Robert hearin th' maister skutterin daan th' +stairs thowt his best plan wor to hook it; soa he grab'd up his +lantern for owt he knew an buckled it on as he wor hurryin up th' +steps. He'd hardly left when th' maister runs aat in his shirt, callin +aat, "Police! police!" Robert comes fussin on as if he knew nowt abaat +it, an' went back wi' th' maister, who wor soa freetened wol he darn't +spaik. + +When they went in th' sarvent had sam'd hersen up, an lit th' cannel +agean; but th' lass forgate her fall an' th' maister his fright, when +they lukd at th' policeman an' saw he'd getten th' dutch oven i' th' +front on him astead ov his lantern, an' two bacon collops swingin in +it. + +They settled th' matter amang thersens, but it towt that policeman +niver to tak off his lantern until he'd done wi' it. + + +Information + +Divine Service was held in the Temperance Hall, when the celebrated +Dr. Foaming Drinkwater preached from the text Exodus 16 ch. 33 v., +"And Moses said unto Aaron, take a pot," and in an eloquent sermon of +1h. 55m. the Revd. lecturer clearly showed that a pot of beer was not +alluded to in the text. Collections were made at the close of the +service. + + +Watterin Places + +July is th' month to gooa a spawin'; an' fowk luk forrard to it just +th' same as if they conldn't do withaat it. Th' fact is aw hardly dar +say owt agean it, for awm fond ov a bit ov a off mysen; but then +ther's different ways o' dooin it. A chap at gethers horsemuck at +hooam needn't want to mak' fowk believe he's th' Lord Mayor o' London +abrooad. Aw remember once when aw wur at a watterin' place, aw +followed some fine young ladies an' wished 'em "gooid day;" aw wornt +exactly sure whether one on 'em mightn't be th' Princess o' Wales or +net, but haasumiver, they curled up ther nooas th' same as if they'd +passed a fooamet. But in abaat a wick at after, aw met one on 'em +gooin ovver th' North Brigg wi' a slice o' traitle cake in her hand, +varry near like th' door ov a mahogany shut-up-bed, an' up to th' +elbows i' Miln greease too. Aw thowt if ony body wanted to pick a +lass for a wife they shouldn't goa to a spawin' spot. For all that, +awve nowt to say agean it--one body's as mich reight to goa an get +sunburnt as another; but they mud as weel spaik truth, an' not allus +say it's for th' gooid o' ther health, when all th' time it's just for +a bit ov a spree. Aw could give some gooid advice to ony body at +thinks o' gooin. Tak varry little brass, an' let it be i' your +pocket, net i' yor face. Th' less yo have an' th' less yo'll spend. +Dooant buy patent booits to walk o' th' sand in. If you're anxious to +ride in a cock booat, dooant be particler to wear white trowsers. If +yo want a horse to ride, tak one wi yo--it 'll save yo a deeal o' +disappointment; if yo want a donkey, settle ha mony legs yo could like +it to have, an' yo'll find plenty. Be careful noabody taks a fancy to +yo th' same way. Ther's as mony donkeys wi' two legs as four, an' a +bonny seet mooar. Talkin' abaat th' number o' legs maks me think ov a +chap at considered hissen rayther a sharp en; he'd a bit ov a garden +an' some cherry trees in it, an' one mornin' when he gate aat o' bed +he fan somdy had saved him th' trouble o' getherin' th' fruit; they'd +done it for him woll he wor asleep. He coom an' tell'd th' tale to +me. "A'a," he said, "if he could nobbut find aat who'd done it, he'd +stransport 'em over th' seah' that he wod!" "Why," aw says, "tha knows +burds is varry fond o' cherries, an' its happen th' burds." "Burds!" +he said, an' he winked at me varry knowingly. "Burds! happen they wor +burds--but they wor two-legged ens aw'll bet." Aw niver thowt him +quite so sharp after that. + +Nah just a word bi way of a caution. A chap 'at's two paand i' debt +an' goas an' spends three paand at a watterin' place, maks hiss en +five paand behund; whereas if he'd paid what he owed he'd still ha had +one paand to spend, an' that ud goa as far o' th' top o' Blackstonedge +as three paand at Blackpool. It's worth a thowt. + + +Flaar Shows + +When ther's a flaar show, clooas show at th' same time. Aw hear fowk +tawk abaat "floral gems," and sich like stuff, but aw understand varry +little abaat it. But aw've a few gems ov another sooart at sich +times--aw call 'em gems o' thowt. Aw'm allus wonderin. Aw wonder a +deal aw've noa business to wonder. When aw see a lot o' nice young +lasses i' muslin dresses, all spankin clean, an ommost makkin a chap +wish he worn't wed--aw wonder if ther petticoits an' stockins is as +cleean. An when aw see a lot o' white faced lads, 'a'ts hardly getten +ther hippins off, smokin cigars, an' spittin o'th' floor ivery two or +three yards,--aw wonder if they dooant wish they wor finished, an' aw +wonder what ther mothers is dooin to let 'em aat by thersen. An' when +aw hear tell ha mich brass they get at th' doors, aw wonder ha mich on +it wor borrow'd to goa wi'--an' sometimes aw wonder what they do wi' +it after they've getten it--but that's noa business o' mine;--its a +hungary job, aw know. Aw mony a time wonder, when aw hear th' bands +o' music strike up, what Lord Byron ment when he said, "When music +arose with its voluptuous swell;" for aw've booath seen an' heeard +monny a voluptuous swell at a flaar show. An' aw wonder sometimes ha +it is 'at fowk 'at goa wi a shawl o' ther heead to pick aat a sheep +heead i'th' market, can't be content unless they're donned i' silks +an' satins to goa see a twoathree marrygolds an' fushias. An' +sometimes aw wonder 'what i'th' name o' fortun aw'm dooin thear mysen, +an' if anybody axes me, aw wonder what business it is o' their's;--an' +its just a case o' wonderin throo beginnin to th' endin', an' aw +wonder when fowk 'll leearn a bit o' wit. Aw wonder if fowk think th' +same abaat me. Aw wonder if they do. Aw shouldn't wonder if they +did. + + +October Ale + +They reckon to brew a gooid sup o' ale in October, an' they call it +"Prime owd October." Ther's monny a war thing i'th' world nor a sup +o' gooid drink. Landlords an' teetotal-lecturers manage to get a +livin' aat on it some way;--but it's th' same wi' ale as wi' +iverything else nah days,--it's nowt made on unless it's sharp. It's +a sharp age we live in;--hand-loom waivin' an' stage coaches are all +too slow; iverybody an' iverything keeps growin' sharper. But we +arn't as sharp as what they are i' 'Merica yet--they're too sharp. +They tell me they ha' to lapp thersen up i' haybands afoor they goa to +bed, for fear o' cuttin' th' sheets. Aw heeard tell o' one chap +runnin' a race wi' a flash o' leetnin', an' they say he'd ha' won but +for one ov his gallus buttons comin' off. An' another 'at used to mak +leather garters an' throw 'em ovver his heead, an' he could mak 'em +soa sharp 'at he allus kept one pair flyin'. He worn't a bad hand at +his job, he worn't that. One day aw axed a chap 'at had been, "if +they wor raylee as sharp as what fowk gave 'em credit for?" "Why," he +says, "they wor sharper nor aw liked on, or else aw shouldn't ha' come +back; but aw couldn't get on noa rooad: aw tried two or three +different trades, but aw made nowt aat, an' at last aw set up as +tubthumper; but that wodn't do. They niver wanted ought makkin'-- +they wor too sharp for that; they allus brought yo summat to mend;-- +becoss they knew a chap couldn't charge as mich for mendin' an owd tub +as for makkin' a new en; soa if they'd ony sooart ov a owd tub lagg, +or a piece of a barrel bottom, they browt it to get mended into a new +tub. Aw did as weel as aw could amang it; but one day a chap comes in +an' says, 'Aw want yo to do a bit o' repairin' for me.' 'Varry gooid, +sur,' says aw, 'an' what might yo be wantin?' 'Well,' he says, 'aw've +an owd bung hoil here, do yo think yo could fit me a fresh barrel to +it?' Aw niver spake for a minit, then aw says, 'wod yo be gooid enuff +to lend me a hand to put theas shuts up?' 'Wi' pleasure, sur,' he +said, an' he did, an' aw left th' job an' coom hooam, for aw thowt +they wor rayther too sharp." Mun, a chap can be too sharp sometimes. +My advice is, be as sharp as yo like, if yo're sharp in a reight way, +but thers some things it's as weel to be slow abaat. Be slow to do a +shabby trick, an' be sharp to help a poor body 'at needs it. Be slow +to see other fowk's faults, an' be sharp to improve yor own. Be slow +to scandalise yor neighbors, an' keep a sharp luk aat to steer clear +ov iverybody else's business; yo'll find it 'll give yo moor time to +luk after yor own. + + +Force of Example + +Last May Mr. Goosequill, attorney-at-law, liberally forgave a poor +widow the expenses of a trial in which he had been engaged. It is a +singular fact that a tom-cat, which had been for years in the +gentleman's family, having caught a mouse, let it go for pity's sake +the following day. + + +Gunpaader Plot + +Squibs an' crackers! Starleets an' catterin wheels! Bunfires an' +traikle parkin! This is th' time for a bit ov a jollification. Guy +Fawkes did a gooid turn, after all, when he tried to blow th' +Parliament haase up; for we should ha' had one spree less i' the' year +but for him. Ax twenty fowk this question o' th' fourth o' November, +"Are yo gooin to buy ony fireworks this year?" an aw dar be bun to say +yo willn't find one i'th' lot but what'll say "Aw've summat else to do +wi' my brass nor to waste it o' sich like fooilery as that." An' +still, aw'll wager at nineteen on 'em buy some after all. Ther's a +deal o' difference i'th way they spend it. I' th' country they all sit +raand th' fire wi' their parkin an' milk' or else rooasted puttaties, +an' they tell tales, an' they laf an' talk till they've varry near +burned ther shoo toas off, an' getten soa starved o' ther back 'at +they willn't be shut ov a cold for a month; but i'th' taan there's +allus th' mooast to do i'th' public haases. Aw think aw shall niver +forget a marlock we had th' last plot. It wor in a public haase +somewhere between "Spice Cake-loin" an' Whiskum Dandy; ther wor a raam +full o' fowk, an' aw nooatised 'at iverybody's pockets wor swelled +aat, an' thinks aw, aw shouldn't be capp'd if ther wor a dust here in +a while. They just wanted somdy to start. In a bit one on 'em gate up +to goa aat, an' th' landlord (he'd a cork leg) drop'd a cracker into +his pocket. He hadn't gooan far when bang it went; he turns back an' +leets abaat two dozzen an' sends 'em in to th' middle o'th' raam. +"Nah, lads! for God's sake show a bit o' sense," says th' landlord, +"dooant begin sich like wark as that i' this raam, nah dooant." He +mud as weel ha' just whistled jigs to a mile-stoop; aat coom +iverybody's stock, an' i' less nor hauf a minit ther wor sich a +hullabaloo i' that shop as aw niver heeared afoor. To mak matters +war, somdy had shut th' door an' fesened it, an' th' place wor full o' +rick, an iverybody ommost chooak'd. Aw gate under th' seat, an' in a +bit somdy smashes th' window an' bawls aat "fire! fire!" I' two or +three minits ther coom a stream o' watter into th' raam as thick as my +shackle, an' smash went th' chandilleer. Th' landlord wor mad +ommost--lukkin glasses an' picters went one after tother, an' aw faand +aat 'as aw couldn't swim, aw should ha' to shift, or else aw should be +draaned. Some kind soul managed to braik th' door daan an' we gate aat, +but aw could hear th' landlord yelling aat 'at sombdy had stown his cork +leg. Ha' they went on aw dooant know, for aw steered straight hooam. +At abaat six o'clock th' next morning, as aw went to my wark, aw saw a +cork leg with a varry good booit on it, hangin' to a gas lamp, an aw +wonder'd whose it wor. + + +Th' Last Month + +Th' last month o' th' year; an' ther's summat rayther sorrowful abaat +th' last o' owt, exceptin' trouble; an' still to me ther's allus +summat varry interestin' abaat owt at's "th' last." Aw've watched men +when they've been buildin' a long chimley, but aw've niver felt mich +interest till it's come th' time for 'em to put on th' last stooan; +they've labored day by day, riskin boath life an' limb, an' still +aw've felt varry little anxiety; but it's just th' fact on it bein' +th' last stooan; an' aw've hardly been able to tak my een off it till +it's been finished an' th' last man's come safe daan. But still it's +a sorrowful saandin' word is "last." Th' last farewell--th' last +look--th' last breath--an' th' last restin, place; it sets fowk thinkin +what there'll be after "th' last." Th' last month i'th' year isn't a +bad time to luk back an' see ha we've spent th' past eleven, an' aw +think ther's few but what'll be able to see monny a place where +they've missed it. An' if soa we'd better mak th' best o'th' few days +left to mak what amends we can. Owd Christmas comes in smilin', with +his holly an' his mistletoe, an' his gooid tempered face surraanded +wi' steam of plum puddin' an' roast beef--tables get tested what +weight they can bear--owd fowk an' young ens exchange greetin's, punch +bowls steam up; an' lemons an' nutmegs suffer theresen to be rubbed, +scrubbed, sliced, an' stewed; an' iverybody at can, seems to be jolly +at Christmas. Some fowk luk forrard to Christmas just for th' sake of +a gooid feed, an' aw've seen odd ens, nah an' then, 'at can tuck it in +i' fine style. Aw recollect one Christmas when Jooan o' Jenny's (we +used to call him Jooan long stummack) went to London (he'd one o'th' +best twists aw iver met wi'), an' he wor takken varry wamley for want +ov a bit ov a bitin on, soa he went into a cook's shop an' ax'd 'em ha +mich they'd mak him a dinner for? "Eighteenpence, sur," said th' +maister, "come, sit daan an' help thisen." Soa he sat daan just at +th' front ov a lump o' rooast beef, an' cut a piece off as big as a +brick, an' he worn't lang i' polishin' that an' cutting another. Th' +landlord wor rayther capped when he saw it goa like that, an' he says +"Tha'rt hungary, lad, aw think! Will ta have, summat to sup?" "Noa +thank yo, sur," says Jooan, "not just yet." He varry sooin put th' +second lot where it could keep th' furst company, an' began cuttin' a +third; this made th' maister seem varry uneasy, an' he says, "Tha'd +better have summat to sup, lad! Mun aw fotch thi a pint o' drink?" +"Noa, thank yo," said Jooan, "aw mak a practice niver to sup till +aw've hauf, done." "Why, lad," says th' landlord, "haitch will ta tak' +to drop it?" "Well" said Jooan, "if yo dooant like my company aw'm +sooary aw've come, but aw shouldn't like to leave this table for less +nor hauf a craan, if aw do aw shall be a loiser." Th' old chap pooled +awt hauf a craan an' banged it on to th' table, an' says, "Tak' it, +an' tak' thisen away, an' niver put thi fooit i' my haase agean as +long as tha's a day to live; tha'd ruin me in a wick." "Why, +maister," he says, "yo cap me sayin' soa, for aw can't ait as mich bi +a caah head as once aw cud. Aw'll tak' th' hauf crawn; gooid day, +maister; you've made a shillin 'at me." + + +Mediated Strike + +At a meeting of the tax-collectors of the W--- R---g of ---shire, held +in one of the cells beneath the Town Hall it was proposed, "That we, +the tax gatherers and rate collectors of the W--- R---g of ---shire do +intend to throw up our offices, unless our wages are reduced or our +labours increased, for being like unto other men, possessed of +consciences, we are frequently tormented with the thought, that we are +receiving more than what is our due, and by that means wronging the +public." Mr. Christopher Delphian moved as an amendment, "that they +should dispose of their consciences, that being a readier way of +getting over the difficulty." The chairman put the amendment which was +carried, and the consciences were sold in one lot, for 7 3/4 d., which +was carried to the fund for the entertainment of Mr. Calcraft, the +president, whenever he should visit the district on a professional +tour. + + +New Year's Parties + +Its net oft at aw have mich to do wi' parties. Th' fact is aw'm wed, +an' young fowk dooant want me, becoss they say aw've made my markets, +an' wed fowk dooant oft ax me becoss aw suppose aw dooant oft ax them. +But this month last year aw did get a invite to a doo, an' aw went. +Aw'st net forget in a hurry what a fidget my owd woman gate into. +Shoo brushed me daan aboon a duzzen times, an' turned me raand like a +rooastin jack to see ha aw luk'd, woll aw wor as mazy as a wheel +heead, an' th' childer luk'd up i' my face two or three times afoor +they could believe it wor me. Aw heeard awr Abram telling Betty 'at +"he believed his fayther wor gooin to get kursen'd or summat." "Ho +eeah! why what are they baan to call him?" shoo says. "Nay, aw dooant +know, but my mother's been callin' him 'gaumless,' happen that's it." + +Gaumless enuff aw thowt, an' after rubbin' my hat raand wi' a weet +sponge (woll th' wife declared it wor as hansum as a Japan tea caddy), +aw set off. Aw seized howd o'th' nob when aw gate to th' door, an' aw +gave a gooid pawse, same as aw do at hooam, A fine young gentleman +oppen'd it, an' after starin' at me for two or three minits, he said, +"Walk in, sur." Aw doff'd my hat an' did soa; an' he! what a smell! +"By gow, lad," aw said, "its enuff to mak my maath watter is this, +ther's nowt awm fonder on nor onions, an' aw con smell ther's some +cookin'--they'll be frying some liver, aw dar say. Are ta th' +maister's lad?" aw axed. "Noa, sur," he said; "a'wm th' waiter." +"Why tha needn't wait o' me," aw said, "aw'll luk after mysel." +"Come this way, sur." he said, "aw'll introduce yo'. What name shall +aw say, sur?" "Does ta think aw am not known?" aw says; "nah aw'll +tell thi what it is: if tha keeps diddlin after me like tha has done +sin' aw come in, as if tha thowt aw wanted to stail summat, awst just +twist thi neck raand." Th' maister heeard me tawkin, an' coom to +shake hands wi' me, smilin' all ovver his face delightedly. He hook'd +his arm i' mine, an' walked me into a grand raam full o' ladies an' +waiters (aw made 'em aat to be waiters coss they wor dressed like him +'at stood at th' door.) "This is my old friend, the Almenack maker," +he said, an' they all gate up an' sat daan agean. When aw luk'd raand +aw thowt, "Aw'm in for it this time," for aw could mak it aat to be +nowt but a meetin' to kursen a lot o' childer', an' varry likely they +wanted me to stand godfayther for 'em. Aw saw noa babbies ony-where, +but then aw'd heeard fowk tell abaat th' quality havin' weet nurses +for ther bairns, an' aw made it aat 'at thease must be um, on accaant +o'th' way they wor dressed, for they wor all i' white, an' ther's nowt +easier weshed, an' aw thowt to mysen, "Aw'll tell my owd woman to have +her gaon made i' th' same pattern when shoo's ony more to suckle, for +it must save a deal o' trouble, an' be for ivver better nor havin' a +lot o' hooks an' eyes botherin' abaat th' child's face." But thear aw +sat, an' as noabody said owt to me, aw said nowt to noabody. In a bit +ivery body began pairin' off, an' th' maister says, "Come, my friend, +you must take a lady to dinner," an' a reight grand young woman coom +an' tuk howd o' mi arm, an' we follow'd aat i' prussesshun, like they +do at a burrin. When we gate into th' next raam aw fan aat mi mistak +abaat all th' chaps being waiters, for they sat daan to th' table same +as th' maister an' me, soa aw thowt varry likely they wor locals, or +summat i'th' missionary line. Aw niver saw as mich stuff to ait i' +all my life, except in a cook shop. "Shall I pass you a little soup," +said th' maister? "Noa, thank yo," aw said, "aw weshed me afoor aw +coom." "Not soap, my good friend, I mean soup," he said. "Oh! broth, +is it? Aw did'nt know what yo ment. Eeah, aw'll tak a soop o' broth, +if yo please, an' a bit o' suet dumplin,' if yo have a bit." When aw +said soa, a lot began a cough in', the same as if they'd a boan i' +ther throit, an' th' maister oppened sich a shop 'at aw thowt th' top +ov his heead had come off, but aw reckoned to tak noa noatice an' aw +worked away wi my gapin' stick woll th' maister axed me ha aw liked my +ox tail soup. "Dun yo call this ox tail soup," aw said, an' aw beld +up a caah tooith ommust big enuff to mak a knife heft. Aw thowt it +war a gooid joak, but noabody else seem'd to see it, an' th' mistress +ordered th' waiter to tak it away instantum. + +When we'd all etten woll we' wor om most brussen they browt a lot o' +black bottles wi' silver necks in, an' we'd all a glass o' some sooart +o' pop. By th' heart an' it wor pop too. "Dun yo mak this yoursen, +mistress?" aw axed. "By gingo, this licks awr traitle drink into fits, +yo mun give me th' resait, if yo have it." "This is shampane, sur," +shoo said. "Aw dooant care whether it's sham or not, it's as gooid as +owt o'th' sooart aw've tasted, aw'll thank you for another drop," +"Help yourself, my friend," said th' maister, an aw did, aboon a bit, +but ha long aw wor at it or ha monny bottles aw emptied aw niver +knew, for some ha aw fell asleep, an' when aw wakken'd aw wor at +hooam, an' my owd wornan wor callin aat, "Are ta baan'ta get up, +yond's th' last whew." + + +Smiles, Tears, Getting on. + +Smiles are things aw like to see, an'. they're noa less acceptable +becoss sometimes ther's a tear or two. A chap at's a heart ov a +reight sooart under his waistcoit cannot allus be smilin'. Awve met a +deal o' sooarts o' fowk i' my bit o' time, an' th' best aw iver met +had a tear i' ther ee nah an' then. If ther's owt aw hate to see, its +a chap at's allus smilin'; an' if iver yo meet sich a one set him daan +to be awther a haufthick or a hypocrite--yo'll be sure to be reight. +It'll be time enuff to be allus grinnin' when all th' warkhaases an' +th' prisons are to let--when lawyers have to turn farmers, an' +bumbaileys have to emigrate--when yo connot find a soldier's or a +policeman's suit ov clooas, except in a museum--when ther's noa +chllder fun frozen to th' deeath o' London Brig--an' when poor fowk +get more beef an' less bullyin'. If iver sich a time comes woll aw +live, aw'll laff wi' th' best on em, but till then a claad sometimes +will settle on mi here,--an awm glad 'at it is soa. + +Aw niver see a chap 'at's tryin to get on but what he reminds me ov +once gooin to a Baptist chapel to see a lot o' fowk kursened. +Everybody wor feightin' for th' front pews, an' them 'at gate 'em had +to haddle e'm an' net be perticular abaat ther shirt collar--an' when +a chap starts aat for a front place i' this life he has to rough it, +an' if he succeeds aw wonder sometimes if he's ony better off nor them +'at gate th' front seeats i'th' chapel, for all 'at wor behund 'em +seem'd to be tryin' to shove 'em ovver into th' bottom, an' nah an' +then aw noaticed odd uns 'at could bide noa longer, an' gave up th' +spot they'd fowt soa hard to get, an' sombdy behund, 'at had hardly +tewd a bit dropt into th' seat. And sich is life: it isn't allus th' +workers 'at succeed, net it marry! its th' skeeamers! it's them 'at +keeps ther een oppen. But aw con allus thoil 'em owt they get, if, +when they're climbin' up th' stee, they niver put ther heel on another +chap's neck, by traidin' on his fingers, to mak him lawse his hold. +It's a wrang nooation 'at some fowk have getten, to "get brass +honestly if yo can, an' if yo cannot, try to keep a easy conscience, +an' do baat it." Some chaps 'll niver get on; they're allus gooin' to +mend, but they niver start. Sich like should tak a pattern throo th' +Almenack makkers--they've lost eighteen haars this last three years, +an' if they didn't mind they'd loise six mooar this time, but they tak +care net to do soa,--they shove a day extra into February to mak it +up, and they call it "leap year," and it ud be a rare gooid job if +fowk wod tak a few laups this year;--laup aat o'th' alehouse on to th' +hearthstun at home--laup aat o' bed i' time for th' church ov a Sunday +momin'--laup aat o' th' clutches o' th' strap shop--laup aat o' th' +gate o' bad company--laup up to yo're wark wi' a smile, an' laup back +hooam wi' it, an' yo'll find th' wife's heart ul laup wi joy to see yo +comin' back cheerful, an' th' childer ul laup on to yo'r knee, an' +yo'll be capt ha easy it'll be to laup over ony bits o' trouble 'at +yo' meet wi'. But alus laup forrard if it's possible; for if yo try +to laup backards yo'll run th' risk o' braikin yo'r neck, an' noabody +pities them 'at laups aat o' th' fryin' pan into th' fire, an' it's a +easy matter to miss it.--Aa dear o' me! aw think it is!--and yo'd +think soa if yo'd seen what aw saw once. A mate o' mine courted a +lass, an' he'd monny a miss afore he gat throo wi it. He used to go +an' tawk to her throo a brokken window 'at ther wor i' th' weshhaase, +an' one neet shoo'd promised to meet him thear, an' he wanted to kuss +her as usual, but he started back. "Nay, Lucy," he said, "aw'm sure +thar't nooan reight. Has ta been growin' a mustash?" Mew! mew! it +went; an' he fan aat he'd kuss'd th' owd Tom cat. When th' neighbours +gate to know, they kursened him "Kusscat," an' they call him soa yet. +But that worn't all; for when he went to get wed he wor soa flustered +woll he stood i' th' wrang place, an' when th' time coom for him to +put th' ring on, he put it on th' woman next to him--he thowt it +didn't mean, for he cud get it swap'd after, but when it wor ovver +they all began to find aat ther'd been a mistak. "Why, Kusscat," said +one, "what's ta been doin'? Tha' s getten wed to thi mother." Th' +parson look'd glum, but he said, "It's noa use botherin' nah, its too +lat, you should ha' spokken afoor--an' aw think he's fittest to be wi' +his mother." But he roar'd like a bull, an' begged th' parson to do +it ovver, an' do it reight; but Lucy said, "He'd noa cashion, for +shoo'd live an' dee an owd maid for iver afoor shoo'd have ony chap +second hand." But her heart worn't as hard as shoo thowt, soa, shoo +gave in, an' th' next time they managed better. + + +Mysterious Disapperance. + +A short time ago Mr. Fitzivitz, of Rank end, was seen to be swimming +at a great rate and making a most extensive spread in the river plate. +Several friends cautioned him not to go so far out of his depth, but +he was utterly heedless of advice, he dived still deeper, and was +observed to sink over head and ears in debt, leaving a large circle of +friends to bewail his loss. His body has since been recovered, but +all that could have comforted his anxious friends had fled, alas for +ever. + + +Sam it up. + +Ther's a deal o' things scattered raand, at if fowk ud tak th' trouble +to pick up might do 'em a paar o' gooid, an' my advice is, if yo meet +wi' owt i' yor way 'at's likely to mak life better or happier, sam it +up, but first mak sure yo've a reight to it. Nah, aw once knew a chap +at fan a topcoit, an' he came to me, an' says--"A'a lad! awve fun one +o' th' grandest topcoits to-day at iver tha clapt thi' een on." "Why, +where did ta find it?" aw says. "Reight o' th' top o' Skurcoit moor." +"Well, tha'rt a lucky chap," aw says, "what has ta done wi' it?" "Aw +niver touched it; 'aw left it just whear it wor." "Well, tha art a +faoil; tha should ha' brout it hooam." "E'ea! an' aw should ha' done, +but does ta see ther wor a chap in it." Aw tell'd him he'd made a +fooil on me, an' aw consider'd mysen dropt on, but noa moor nor he wor +wi' havin' to leave th' coit. "Neer heed," he said "fowk can allus do +baat what they can't get," an' aw thowt ther wor a bit o' wisdom i' +what he said. But what caps me th' mooast is at fowk tug an' tew for +a thing as if ther life depended on it, an' as sooin as they find they +cannot get it, they turn raand an' say they care nowt abaat it. We've +all heeard tell abaat th' "fox an' grapes," an' ther's a deal o' that +sooart o' thing. This world's full o' disappointments, an' we've all +a share. Th' Bradford Exchange wor oppened this month, 1867, an' aw +luk on it, that wor a sad disappointment to some. "Exchange is noa +robbery," they say, but if some fowk knew what it had cost, they might +think it had been a dear swap. Ther are fowk at call it "a grand +success"--but then awve heeard some call th' Halifax Taan Hall "a +grand success," but they haven't made me believe it. It may do a deal +o' gooid, aw'll not deny that; it may taich fowk to let things alooan +at they dooan't understand--let's hooap soa. Ovver th' door-hoil +they've put "Act Wisely," an' it's time they did. Its summat like +telling a chap to be honest, at the same time yo'r picking his pocket. +But we've noa business to grummel, its awr duty to "submit to th' +powers that be" (if they're little ens); but a chap cannot help +langin' for th' time when brains an' net brass shall fit a man for a +Taan Caancillor. But fowk mun get consolation aat o' summat, soa they +try to fancy th' Taan Hall luks handsome. Its like th' chap 'at saw +his horse fall into th' beck;--he tugg'd an' pool'd, and shaated an' +bawl'd, but th' horse went flooatin' on, plungin' its legs abaat, +makkin' th' watter fly i' all direckshuns but it wur noa use, for it +wur draanded at th' last. When he went hooam he tell'd th' wife abaat +it + +"What does ta say?" shoo says; "is it draanded?" + +"E'es, it's draanded, lass; but it ud ha' done thi e'en gooid to ha' +seen it, aw wor capt,--mun it wur a topper to swim, an' that's a +comfort; tha knows we could niver ha' known that if it had niver been +tried." + +Lets hooap 'at when they've another to build they'll do better. Its +niver too late to mend, an' we're niver too owd to learn; but its hard +wark to taich some. Aw remember once a chap tellin' me hah they made +sooap, an' he said "three-thirds o' sooap wor tollow, an' tother +summat else." Aw tried to show him 'at it couldn't be soa, for if +three-thirds wor tollow it must be all tollow; but he said, aw +"needn't start o' taichin' him; when he'd been a sooap boiler twenty +year he owt to know." Aw saw it wor noa use me talkin', for as +Wordsworth says (or else he doesn't) + + "Twor throwing words away, for still, + The soap-boiler wod have his will, + And said, "Three-thirds wor tollow.' + +But who is ther 'at niver does wrang? net th' odd en! Them 'at live +i' glass haases shouldn't throw stooans; soa we'll drop it. We're all +fooils at times. + + +Fooils + +Ther's some born fooils, an' ther's some mak thersen fooils, an'. +ther's some get made fooils on. When we hear fowk tell tales abaat +sein' boggards, an gettin' ther planets ruled, we think it saands +fooilish. Nah an' then one turns up rayther simple, an' a body con +hardly help laffin'. It's net long sin' aw heeard tell of a owd woman +goin' to th' Pooast Office i' Bolton, an' axin to see th' maister, an, +when he coom shoo said shoo wanted to know hah monny stamps it 'ud +tak' to send a mangle to Yeaworth. He couldn't tell her, an' shoo went +away thinkin' what a fooil he wor net to know his business better nor +that, an' he thowt what a fooil shoo wor for ax in sich a question. +An' soa it is;--we're apt to think iverybody fooils but ussen, an' +them 'at belangs to us. Yo doant oft find a mother or fayther 'at +thinks ther lad's a fooil (unless he gets wed, an then they allus say +soa.) Iverybody's'child is th' grandest an' th' cliverest i'th world. +But aw couldn't help laffin' one day when I heeard a chap braggin' +abaat his lad. "Aa," he said, "he's cliverest lad of his age aw iver +met; he's nobbut thirteen year owd an' he con do owt." Just as he wor +sayin' soa th' lad coom into th' raam, aitin' a raw turnip, an' his +fayther thowt he'd show him off a bit, soa he said, "Jack a want thee +to go an' messur th' length o' that piece o' timber 'at's i'th yard, +an come tell me." Soa he gave him his two-fooit rule, an' th' lad +went. Aw thowt he wor a long time abaat it, but in a bit he coom +back. "Well Jack," said his fayther, "ha long is it? spaik up, that's +a fine lad." "Why," he says, "it's th' length o' yo'r rule, an' my +pocket comb, an' this piece o' band." "That's reight," said his +fayther, "tha con goa hoam," put aw nooaticed 'at be did'nt brag abaat +him quite so mitch at after. + +If a chap doesn't want to be thowt a fooil he should niver start o' +showin' off befoor fowk till he knows what he's abaat, an' ther's noan +on us knows iverything. Aw remember once go in' to th' sale ov a +horse, an' th' auctioneer knew varry little abaat cattle, an' he began +praisin' it up as he thowt. "Gentlemen," he said, "will you be kind +enough to look at this splendid animal! examine him, gentlemen; look +at his head; why, gentlemen, it's as big as a churn! an' talk about +points--why, it's all points; you can hang yo'r hat on any part of +him!" He'd just getten soa far, when th' chap 'at belang'd th' horse +could bide it noa longer, soa be laup'd up an' pooled th' auctioneer +daan bith' hair o'th' heead. "Tha may be an auctioneer," he said, +"but tha'rt noa ostler." But it isn't long sin' aw wor at a sale o' +picturs, i'th' Teetotal Hall at Halifax, an' th' chap 'at wor sellin' +put up one lot an' made this speech:--"Ladies and Gentlemen,--The +next lot I have the pleasure to offer you are three picturs of 'Joan +of Arch' a French lady of distinction, who fought at the Battle of +Waterloo against the Duke of Wellington, and was afterwards burnt at +the siege of Moscow. How much shall I say for this lot?" Aw walk'd +aat when awd heeard that, for aw thowt he might happen be a ostler, +but blow me if he wor fit for an auctioneer. But we con forgi' a chap +lukkin fooilish sometimes, if he doesn't mak' other fowk luk soa; but +when that chap at Saathawarm put bills up to call a meeting o'th' +committee to consider what color to whitewash th' schooil, they all +felt fooilish. A young chap 'at's just popp'd th' question to a young +woman feels rayther fooilish if shoo says "Noa." An' if shoo says +"Yes," he may live to think he wor fooilish. A chap feels fooilish +when he's been runnin aboon a mile to catch th' train, an' just gets +thear i' time to see it move off an' leave him. A chap feels fooilish +when he goas to th' chapel when ther's a collection, an' finds he's +left th' hawpenny at hooam he thowt o' givin', an's nowt noa less nor +hauf a craan. A chap feels fooilish if he's been rakein' aat all th' +neet, an' when he gets hooam his wife finds a woman's neet-cap hung to +his coit button. A chap luks fooilish when he's tellin' a tale an' +forgets hah it finishes. A woman luks fooilish when shoo's lost her +hair pins, an' her false bob's hingin' daan her back. An' ther are +times when we're all fooilish, an' awm feeard if aw doant stop yo may +begin to think me fooilish, soa aw'll drop it. + + +Cleenin' Daan Month + +May is abaat th' warst pairt o'th' year for a wed chap, for he connot +walk aat, an' he cannot be comfortable at hooam, becoss it's th' +cleeanin' daan time. Talk abaat weshin' days! they're fooils to +cleeanin' days. Buckstun lime an' whitewesh, bees-wax an' turpitine-- +black-leead an' idleback, stare a chap i' th' face ivery where. Pots +an' pans--weshin' bowls an' peggy tubs, winteredges an' clooas lines-- +brooms an' besoms--dish claots an' map claots, block up ivery nook +an' corner; an' if iver ther is a time when a chap darn't spaik it's +then. If he thinks th' haase is cleean enuff, an' doesn't want owt +dooin' at, his wife's sure to call him a mucky haand, an' say 'at he +wodn't care if he wor up to th' shoo tops i' filth; an' if he says he +thinks it wants a cleean, shoo'll varry sooin ax him if he can tell +her whear ther's another haase as cleean, for shoo doesn't know one, +an' if he does, he's welcome to goa. But it all ends i' th' same +thing--its th' time o' th' year for a reight upset, an' it 'll ha to +have it, whether it wants it or net. Ther's noa way to suit a woman +at sich times, but to be as quiet as yo can. If yo say, "Come, lass, +con aw help thi a bit," shoo's sure to snap at yo, as if shoo'd bite +yor heead off, an' tell yo to get aat ov her gate, for yor allus under +her nooas, woll shoo can do nowt. An' if yo goa aat o'th' gate, +shoo'll ax yo as sooin as yo come in, ha yo can fashion to spend' yor +time gaddin abaat when yo know ha things is at hooam, an' you dooant +care th' toss ov a button for her, but just mak her into a slave, an' +niver think o' sich a thing as liggin' on a helpin' hand. Ther's noa +way to do but to bide it as weel as yo can, an' say little, for it +doesn't last long. But even when its ovver, yo mun be careful what yo +say, for if yo tell her yo think it luks better for th' labor, shoo's +sure to say at "shoo sees varry little difference, an' shoo wor fare +capt, for ivery thing wor as cleean as a pin." An' if yo say yo can +see noa difference, shoo'll say, "Tha can see nowtt,"--but shoo knows +whether its different or net, for shoo's taen aboon a barra' looad o' +muck aat o' that haase that wick. Soa my advice is, to say nowt at +sich times till yo're axed, an then say as they say. Aw once heeard +ov a young couple at wor baan to get wed, an' they made it up allus to +say an' think alike, an' then they'd be sure net to fall aat; soa they +went to th' church an' gate made man an wife, an' as they wor walkin' +hooam he said, "Aw think this is th' happiest day o' awr lives." +"E'ea," shoo says, "aw think it is." "Aw think we shall have some +rain afoor long," he said. "E'ea," shoo says, "aw think it luks +likely for weet." "A'a did ta iver see a faaler bonnet nor that lass +has on," shoo said? "Noa lass, aw think aw niver did," he replied; +"but what a bonny lass shoo is, isn't shoo?" "Nay, nobbut middlin'," +shoo says. "Well aw think her a beauty." "Aw wonder where tha luks," +shoo said, "but if tha'rt soa taen wi' her, tha con have her astead o' +me." "Nay, lass," he said, "tha knows we've agreed allus to think an' +say alike, an' awm sure shoo's a varry bonny lass." "Well an' awm +sure shoo's as plain a stick as iver aw saw i' all my life, an' if aw +agree to say an' think what tha does, it wor cos aw thowt tha wor +reight i' thi heead." Soa they walk'd hooam lukkin varry glum, an' +differ'd for th' futer same as other fowk. When a chap gets wed he +should be ready for th' warst. Aw once knew a chap at fell i' love wi +a woman 'at he met in a railway train, an' as they lived a long way +apart, they did ther coortin i' writin' an' at last th' day wor fixed +for 'em to get wed. Joa went to fotch her an' walk her to th' church, +an' as they wor gooin' he thowt shoo walked rayther queer, soa he +says, "Susy, does ta limp?" "Limp!" shoo says, "net aw, aw limp +noan." Soa they went on, an' just as they wor gooin' into th' church, +he said, "Susy, awm sure tha seems to limp." "A'a, Joa," shoo says, +"aw wonder what tha'll say next." Soa Joa an' Susy gate wed. When +they wor gooin hooam he said, "Susy, awm sure tha limps." "Aw know aw +limp," shoo says, "aw allus limp'd; is a woman ony war for limpin'?" + + +Hay-Making + +I hope my readers will regard that varry gooid advice, when they see +th' grass cut--"Mak hay woll th 'sun shines." There's nowt aw like +better nor to spend a day or two in a hay field. Tawk abaat "Ho de +Colong!" It doesn't smell hauf as weel to me as a wisp o' new made +hay. An' them 'at niver knew th' luxury a' gooin' to bed wi' tired +booans, should work i'th' hay-field for a wick. It'll do onnybody +gooid; an' if some o' them idle laewts 'at stand bi a duzzen together +at th' loin ends _laikin_ at pitch an' toss, wod goa an' _work_ at +pitch an' toss, they'd be better booath i' mind an' body an' pocket. +Tossin' th' hay is booath healthful an' lawfur but tossin' hawpneys +(especially them wi' heeads o' booath sides) is nawther. Hay makkin' +is a honest callin', an' when a chap is gettin' his livin' honestly +(noa matter what he does), he feels independent,--an' when a chap +feels soa, he can affooard to spaik what he thinks. Aw remember once +callin' at th' "Calder an' Hebble" public haase, an' sittin' in a raam +wi' a lot o' young swells 'at coom throo Sowerby Brigg; an' in a bit, +a trampified lukkin' chap coom in, an' called for a glass o' ale. +This didn't suit th' young gentlemen, soa one on 'em says to him, +"Fellow, you are an intruder." "Tha'rt a liar," th' chap says, "awm +nowt at sooart, awm a cheer-bottom mender an' aw've sarved mi time to +it." "You don't understand me, sir; what I mean is that you have no +business here." "Noa, lad; aw niver come to theeas shops when aw've +ony business, aw allus do that furst." This rayther puzzled th' young +swell an' his face went as red as a hep, cos aw laff'd at him; an' he +struck his naive o'th' table; "Sir," said he, "will you take your +departure?" "Noa," he said, "aw'll tak nowt 'at doesn't belang to me +if aw know on it." "You're an insolent scoundrel, and I leave you +with contempt." "Yo can leeav me wi' who yo like," he said, "awst +mislest noabody if they behave therlsen". They all went an' left him, +an' as sooin as they'd getten aat o'th' seet he set up a gurt laff, +an' called for another glass; an' aw nooatised at he gave th' landlord +a Sovereign to tak pay aat on, an' when he brout him his change back, +he said, "Thank you, sir," an' bow'd to him as if he'd been one o'th' +gentry. This happened o'th' same day as aw'd been at Briggus, an' +awst net forget that in a hurry:--aw'll tell yo abaat it. It wor a +varry hot day, an' aw'd walked throo Halifax, an' wor beginin' to get +rayther dry, an' when aw'd getten ommost thear, aw saw a booard shoved +aat ov a chamer winder, wi' th' words painted on, "Prime Ginger Beer +Sold here," soa aw went into th' haase an' ax'd for a bottle. +He browt me a old hair oil bottle filled wi' summat, an a varry +mucky-lukkin glass to sup aat on. "Cannot yo let me have a cleean glass, +maister?" aw axed. "That's clean," he says, "for aw bowt it aboon +twelve months sin, an'it's niver been used for owt but pop." Aw +emptied th' bottle into it, an it lukk'd ommost like milk sops. "What +do yo call all thease things at's swimmin' abaat?" aw says. "O, +that's yeast, young man; it's a varry gooid thing for ther inside; +aw'd a doctor once call'd for a bottle, an' he wodn't let me tak a bit +aat: it does fowk gooid." "Well but wodn't he let yo tak some o' +theas pieces o' cork aat?" aw axed. "Net a bit! for he said they +acted tother rooad, an' it wor th' best to sup th' lot." "Do yo sell +a gooid deal o' this, maister?" "A'a bless yo! aw do that. Ther wor +a real lady coom here o' Sunday afternooin, an' shoo supp'd seven +bottles, an' shoo said shoo'd ha supped seventeen but her stumack wor +varry kittle, an' shoo wor feear'd e' upsettin it." "An' wor ther as +mich yeast in 'em as ther is i' this?" aw said. "E'ea! an' moor i' +some." "Why, then," aw said, "aw should think shoo'd rise early i'th +mornin'." "Ther's nowt noa better for gooin' to bed on, nor for +gettin' up on, nor that pop." Just then somdy coom in for a hawporth +o' mustard, an' woll he turn'd raand aw emptied it daan th' sink, paid +mi penny, an' hook'd it. Soa mich for Briggus, aw thowt. Aw've oft +heeard it spokken on as a risin' place, an noa wonder if they swallow +yeast at that rate. But aw dooant see what all this has to do wi' +haymakkin', soa aw'll rake up noa moar sich like things, for fear yo +pitch into me. + + +Holinworth Lake + +Th' mooast remarkable thing 'at aw' con recollect abaat this time last +year, wor a trip to Hollinworth Lake. Ther'd been a collection made +at the Longloin Sunday Schooil for a new gas meeter; an after they'd +getten th' brass, they bethought 'em 'at th' old en could be made do, +an' soa th' taichers agreed to have a trip wi' th' funds. They argued +a gooid deeal abaat ha to spend it, an' at last it wor decided they +should walk all th' rooad, an' spend it as they went on. They started +aat at four o'clock one Setterday mornin' i' furst rate fettle. Ther +wor six men an' seven women; but as th' superintendent wor as big as +two, they considered thersen weel paired. They trudged nicely on till +they gate to Bolton Brow, an' then two or three began to feel faint, +an' Swallow (that's th' superintendent's name) propooased 'at they +should have a drop o' drink to revive 'em. Noabdy had owt to say agean +that, soa as th' public haase wor just oppened, one on 'em went in an' +browt aat a quart pitcher full an' handed it to Swallow to sup th' +furst. An' he did sup--for when he left lause ther wor nowt left but +th' froth on his upper lip to tell at ther'd iver bin ony. "Well" +said Lijah, "aw've heeared swallows called burds of passage, but if +they'd all a passage like thee, they'd sup th' sea dry." "Tha sees, +Lijah," he said, "awm unfortunate, for aw've a thirst on me 'at aw +cannot quench, an' aw darn't sup watter for fear o' havin' th' +dropsy." All th' women agreed' at he wor reight, an' soa after another +quart amang em they went on. + +What wi' laffin, an' talkin,' an' smookin, they gate to Blackstone +Edge Moor, an' some of the women thowt it time for a rest, soa Swallow +stop'd all at once an' said, "Do yo all see that stooan post 'at's +standin' thear? That's the stooan at devides Yorksher an' Lankysher, +an' aw think this a 'varry fit time to say a few words woll yo ease +yor legs a bit." Soa up he climb'd onto th' pooast, an' began praichin +away, an' kept at it woll they wor all hauf pined to deeath. At last +Lijah said, "Hang it up, ha long are ta baan to talk? aw wonder thi +conscience doesn't prick thee!" "Prick me!" he said, "Aw defy owt to +prick me when awm laborin' for a gooid cause." Just then he ovver +balanced hissel an' fell slap into th' middle ov a whin bush; but he +wor up in a crack, an' one o' th' lasses said, "if his conscience +hadn't getten prick'd summat else had," an' they went forrard, but +Swallow kept his hand under his coit lap for a mile or two. They gate +to th' lake at last, an' after enjayin' what they call th' seea +breeze, they started off to see some o' th' places ov interest. One +o' th' furst they steer'd to wor th' birthplace o' Tim Bobbin. "An' +who wor Tim Bobbin?" said one o' th' lasses. This puzzled 'em, for +ther worn't one i'th' lot 'at knew; but one o' th' chaps said he +thowt, if he worn't mistakken, he war th' inventor o' th' spinnin' +mule. Th' superintendent said that wor varry likely, for he'd oft +nooatised when readin' history books, 'at chaps gate ther names throo +summat they'd done, an' soa varry likely he gate called Tim Bobbin for +that reason. After that they went back an' had a ride in a booat, an' +as nooan on em knew ha to row, th' watter were varry sooin ankle deep +inside; some on 'em began to grummel at this. "Oh, niver heed," said +Swallow, "yo'll niver catch cold wi' salt watter." It worn't long +afoor they wanted ther tea, soa they went into th' haase an' ordered a +gooid feed. Aw've heeard cunjurors say, "Quick, Jack, fly," when +they've been puttin' summat aat o'th' seet; but ther worn't time to +say that wi' them, for th' breead and butter went like leetnin'. One +plate full after another kept comin' in, till at last th' mistress +said, "Aw think yo must ha' been hungry?" "E'ea, it's change o' +climate 'at does it," they said. Soa shoo browt in a fresh lot, but +it made noa difference; away it went after tother. "Do yo' know,". +shoo says, when shoo coom in agean, "at yo've etten two pund o' breead +apiece?" "Why what's two pund when its cut thin," they said? An' at +it they went agean. When they couldn't find room for ony moor, they +paid ther shot an' started off hooam, whear they landed safely. Th' +next Sunday neet, when th' gas wor lit at schooil iverybody wor capt +to see what an' improvement th' new meter wor. Soa after passin' a +vote o' thanks to th' superintendent an' th' taichers for th' trouble +they' been put to, th' matter dropt. + + +Plagues + +A lecture on this subject was delivered on Tuesday evening, to the +members of the Ladies' Needle and Thimble Association, by the Rev. +James Sleek, curate of St. Enock's-in-the-Mist. After adverting to the +plagues of Egypt, the learned lecturer dwelt at length upon the +plagues of the present day, which he classed under the following heads: +--Servants, poor relations, borrowers, teetotallars, tobacco-smokers, +and children in arms. To counteract these evils were such associations +as the one he had the honor to address, select tea meetings, fancy +bazaars, and perambulators. The lecture gave great satisfaction. + + +End o' th' Year + +It's a long loin 'at's niver a turn, an' th' longest loin ends +somewhear. Ther's a end to mooast things, an' this is th' end o' the +year. When a chap gets turned o' forty, years dooant seem as long as +once they did--he begins to be feeared o' time rolling on--but it's +fooilish, for it nawther gooas faster nor slower nor iver it did. But +he's a happy chap 'at, when th' year ends, can luk back an' think ha +mich gooid he's done, for it isn't what a chap will do for th' futer, +its what he has done i'th' past 'at fowk mun judge by. Its net wise +for onybody to booast o' what they mean to do in a month's time, +becoss we cannot tell what a month's time may do for us. We can +hardly help havin' a gloomy thowt or two at this part o'th' year, but +Kursmiss comes to cheer us up a bit, an' he's nooan ov a gooid sooart +'at can't be jolly once i'th' year. As an owd friend o' mine has +cliverly said:-- + + Come let us choose the better part, + And sing whilst life is given; + A cheerful and contented heart + Gives no offence to Heaven. + + 'Tis Christmas time, then fill the horn, + Away with melancholy, + If there's no leaves upon the thorn, + There is upon the holly. + +Hi! varry true! When ther's no leaves upon th' thorn, they're green +upon the holly. Ther's allus summat to be thankful for if we seek it +aat--ther's sure to be a bit o' sunshine somewhere--an' its a varry +bad case if a chap can't find consolation aat o' summat. + +Aw remember a case ov a woman deein' 'at aw knew, an' aw met th' +husband lukkin' varry glum a bit at after. "Well Joa," aw said, +"tha's had a heavy loss, lad." "Eea, aw have," an' then after +studdyin' a bit, he said, "but aw should ha had to ha bowt a new suit +afoor long, an' aw mud as weel buy black as any other color; it wod ha +been awkerd if aw'd just getten a white hat, as aw thowt on--but +Providence! orders all things for th' best." + +Ther's noa daat a gooid lot on us find consolation aat o'th' Kursmiss +jollification--its just a bit ov a sweetener afoor all th' nooats +begin o' commin' in; aw dooant mean five paand nooats, ther's nooan +monny o' them stirrin'. It's th' coil nooats, an' gas nooats, an' tax +papers, them's th' sooart at's stirrin abaat this time. Wheniver +ther's a knock at th' door, yo may ventur to put yor hand i' yor +pocket; an' happy he must feel 'at can allus find as mich thear as'll +do. But its time enuff to think abaat that sooart o' thing when it +comes; we've plenty to do nah to think abaat plum pudding an' rooast +beef--an' aw hooap at iverybody 'at reads this may have enuff an' to +spare. If aw could do owt to help yo to enjoy yorsen, awm sure aw +wod, but as that's aat o' mi paar, just afoor aw leave for another +twelve months aw'll gie yo a tooast, an' aw hooap yo'll all drink a +bumper to it. Here gooas! Fill up to th' brim! Are yo ready? Here's +off! + + God bless ivery one raand yor table + Wi' plenty to ait an' to spare; + God bless yo an' mak yo all able + To enjoy what may fall to yor share. + God bless yo wi health an' wi riches, + God bless yo wi hearts 'at can feel + For the poor, when cold poverty twitches. + God bless them sometimes wi' a meal. + God bless them 'at's climbin' life's mountain, + Full ov hooaps 'at they niver may craan, + An' refresh from Thy cool soothin' fountain, + Those who paddle resignedly daan. + An' tho' in death's mist-shrouded valley + Our friends we may lose for a while, + God grant that at last all may rally + Where sunleet shall fade in His smile. + +Gooid-bye! + + +Scientific + +After the annual excursion of the Lowly Dale Scientific Society, the +members were addressed by Mr. Evertrot Gagthorp. New specimens, the +product of their recent journey, now enrich the Museum: viz. +In Geology--Limestone, pumice stone, soft stone, white stone, plum +stone, and cherry stone. +Conchology--Egg shell Tortoise shell nut shell and satchel. +Botany--Corn flour, grog blossom, and many leaves from the book of +nature. +Entomology--a swallow tail had been obtained, but the president going +to a dress party, had got the loan of it. + + +Valentine Dream + +"On Valentine's day, will a gooid gooise lay," is a varry old sayin', +an' aw dare say a varry gooid en; an' if all th' geese wod nobbut lay +o' that day ther'd be moor chonce o' eggs bein' cheap. But it isn't +th' geese we think on at th' fourteenth o' this month i'ts th' little +ducks, an' th' billy dux. A'a aw wish aw'd all th' brass 'at's spent +o' valentines for one year; aw wodn't thank th' queen to be mi aunt. +Ther's nobdy sends me valentines nah. Aw've known th' time when they +did, but aw'm like a old stage cooach, aw'm aat o' date. Aw'st niver +forget th' furst valentine aw had sent. Th' pooastman browt it afoor +aw'd getten aat o' bed, an' it happen'd to be Sunday mornin'. Aw read +it ovver an' ovver agean, an' aw luk'd at th' directions an' th' +pooast mark, but aw cudn't make aat for mi life who'd sent it; but +whoiver it war aw wor detarmined to fall i' love wi' her as soain as +aw gate to know. Then aw shov'd it under th' piller an' shut mi een +an' tried to fancy what sooart ov a lass shoo must be, an' someha aw +fell asleep, an' aw dremt, but aw willn't tell yo what aw dremt for +fear yo'll laff. But when aw wakken'd, aw sowt up an' daan, but +nowhere could aw find th' valentine. Aw wor ommost heartbrokken, an' +aw pool'd all th' cloas off th' bed, an' aw luk'd under it, an' ovver +it, but net a bit on it could aw see, an' at last aw began to fancy +'at aw must ha dremt all th' lot, an' 'at aw'd niver had one sent at +all; but when aw wor gettin' mi breeches on, blow me! if it worn' t +stuck fast wi a wafer to mi shirt lap. What her 'at sent it ud a sed +if shoo'd seen it, aw can't tell an' aw wodn't if aw could; but aw +know one thing, aw wor niver i' sich a muck sweeat afoor sin aw wor +born, an' when aw went to mi braikfast aw 'wor soa maddled, wol aw +couldn't tell which wor th' reight end o'th' porridge spooin, but aw +comforted misen at last wi' thinkin' 'at aw worn't th' furst 'at had +turned ther back ov a valentine. + + + + + + + + + +End of Project Gutenberg's Yorkshire Ditties, First Series, by John Hartley + +*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK YORKSHIRE DITTIES, FIRST SERIES *** + +***** This file should be named 17472.txt or 17472.zip ***** +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: + http://www.gutenberg.org/1/7/4/7/17472/ + +Produced by David Fawthrop + +Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions +will be renamed. + +Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no +one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation +(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without +permission and without paying copyright royalties. Special rules, +set forth in the General Terms of Use part of this license, apply to +copying and distributing Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works to +protect the PROJECT GUTENBERG-tm concept and trademark. Project +Gutenberg is a registered trademark, and may not be used if you +charge for the eBooks, unless you receive specific permission. If you +do not charge anything for copies of this eBook, complying with the +rules is very easy. You may use this eBook for nearly any purpose +such as creation of derivative works, reports, performances and +research. They may be modified and printed and given away--you may do +practically ANYTHING with public domain eBooks. Redistribution is +subject to the trademark license, especially commercial +redistribution. + + + +*** START: FULL LICENSE *** + +THE FULL PROJECT GUTENBERG LICENSE +PLEASE READ THIS BEFORE YOU DISTRIBUTE OR USE THIS WORK + +To protect the Project Gutenberg-tm mission of promoting the free +distribution of electronic works, by using or distributing this work +(or any other work associated in any way with the phrase "Project +Gutenberg"), you agree to comply with all the terms of the Full Project +Gutenberg-tm License (available with this file or online at +http://gutenberg.org/license). + + +Section 1. General Terms of Use and Redistributing Project Gutenberg-tm +electronic works + +1.A. By reading or using any part of this Project Gutenberg-tm +electronic work, you indicate that you have read, understand, agree to +and accept all the terms of this license and intellectual property +(trademark/copyright) agreement. If you do not agree to abide by all +the terms of this agreement, you must cease using and return or destroy +all copies of Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works in your possession. +If you paid a fee for obtaining a copy of or access to a Project +Gutenberg-tm electronic work and you do not agree to be bound by the +terms of this agreement, you may obtain a refund from the person or +entity to whom you paid the fee as set forth in paragraph 1.E.8. + +1.B. "Project Gutenberg" is a registered trademark. It may only be +used on or associated in any way with an electronic work by people who +agree to be bound by the terms of this agreement. There are a few +things that you can do with most Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works +even without complying with the full terms of this agreement. See +paragraph 1.C below. There are a lot of things you can do with Project +Gutenberg-tm electronic works if you follow the terms of this agreement +and help preserve free future access to Project Gutenberg-tm electronic +works. See paragraph 1.E below. + +1.C. The Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation ("the Foundation" +or PGLAF), owns a compilation copyright in the collection of Project +Gutenberg-tm electronic works. Nearly all the individual works in the +collection are in the public domain in the United States. If an +individual work is in the public domain in the United States and you are +located in the United States, we do not claim a right to prevent you from +copying, distributing, performing, displaying or creating derivative +works based on the work as long as all references to Project Gutenberg +are removed. Of course, we hope that you will support the Project +Gutenberg-tm mission of promoting free access to electronic works by +freely sharing Project Gutenberg-tm works in compliance with the terms of +this agreement for keeping the Project Gutenberg-tm name associated with +the work. You can easily comply with the terms of this agreement by +keeping this work in the same format with its attached full Project +Gutenberg-tm License when you share it without charge with others. + +1.D. The copyright laws of the place where you are located also govern +what you can do with this work. Copyright laws in most countries are in +a constant state of change. If you are outside the United States, check +the laws of your country in addition to the terms of this agreement +before downloading, copying, displaying, performing, distributing or +creating derivative works based on this work or any other Project +Gutenberg-tm work. The Foundation makes no representations concerning +the copyright status of any work in any country outside the United +States. + +1.E. Unless you have removed all references to Project Gutenberg: + +1.E.1. The following sentence, with active links to, or other immediate +access to, the full Project Gutenberg-tm License must appear prominently +whenever any copy of a Project Gutenberg-tm work (any work on which the +phrase "Project Gutenberg" appears, or with which the phrase "Project +Gutenberg" is associated) is accessed, displayed, performed, viewed, +copied or distributed: + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + +1.E.2. If an individual Project Gutenberg-tm electronic work is derived +from the public domain (does not contain a notice indicating that it is +posted with permission of the copyright holder), the work can be copied +and distributed to anyone in the United States without paying any fees +or charges. If you are redistributing or providing access to a work +with the phrase "Project Gutenberg" associated with or appearing on the +work, you must comply either with the requirements of paragraphs 1.E.1 +through 1.E.7 or obtain permission for the use of the work and the +Project Gutenberg-tm trademark as set forth in paragraphs 1.E.8 or +1.E.9. + +1.E.3. If an individual Project Gutenberg-tm electronic work is posted +with the permission of the copyright holder, your use and distribution +must comply with both paragraphs 1.E.1 through 1.E.7 and any additional +terms imposed by the copyright holder. Additional terms will be linked +to the Project Gutenberg-tm License for all works posted with the +permission of the copyright holder found at the beginning of this work. + +1.E.4. Do not unlink or detach or remove the full Project Gutenberg-tm +License terms from this work, or any files containing a part of this +work or any other work associated with Project Gutenberg-tm. + +1.E.5. Do not copy, display, perform, distribute or redistribute this +electronic work, or any part of this electronic work, without +prominently displaying the sentence set forth in paragraph 1.E.1 with +active links or immediate access to the full terms of the Project +Gutenberg-tm License. + +1.E.6. You may convert to and distribute this work in any binary, +compressed, marked up, nonproprietary or proprietary form, including any +word processing or hypertext form. However, if you provide access to or +distribute copies of a Project Gutenberg-tm work in a format other than +"Plain Vanilla ASCII" or other format used in the official version +posted on the official Project Gutenberg-tm web site (www.gutenberg.org), +you must, at no additional cost, fee or expense to the user, provide a +copy, a means of exporting a copy, or a means of obtaining a copy upon +request, of the work in its original "Plain Vanilla ASCII" or other +form. Any alternate format must include the full Project Gutenberg-tm +License as specified in paragraph 1.E.1. + +1.E.7. Do not charge a fee for access to, viewing, displaying, +performing, copying or distributing any Project Gutenberg-tm works +unless you comply with paragraph 1.E.8 or 1.E.9. + +1.E.8. You may charge a reasonable fee for copies of or providing +access to or distributing Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works provided +that + +- You pay a royalty fee of 20% of the gross profits you derive from + the use of Project Gutenberg-tm works calculated using the method + you already use to calculate your applicable taxes. The fee is + owed to the owner of the Project Gutenberg-tm trademark, but he + has agreed to donate royalties under this paragraph to the + Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation. Royalty payments + must be paid within 60 days following each date on which you + prepare (or are legally required to prepare) your periodic tax + returns. Royalty payments should be clearly marked as such and + sent to the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation at the + address specified in Section 4, "Information about donations to + the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation." + +- You provide a full refund of any money paid by a user who notifies + you in writing (or by e-mail) within 30 days of receipt that s/he + does not agree to the terms of the full Project Gutenberg-tm + License. You must require such a user to return or + destroy all copies of the works possessed in a physical medium + and discontinue all use of and all access to other copies of + Project Gutenberg-tm works. + +- You provide, in accordance with paragraph 1.F.3, a full refund of any + money paid for a work or a replacement copy, if a defect in the + electronic work is discovered and reported to you within 90 days + of receipt of the work. + +- You comply with all other terms of this agreement for free + distribution of Project Gutenberg-tm works. + +1.E.9. If you wish to charge a fee or distribute a Project Gutenberg-tm +electronic work or group of works on different terms than are set +forth in this agreement, you must obtain permission in writing from +both the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation and Michael +Hart, the owner of the Project Gutenberg-tm trademark. Contact the +Foundation as set forth in Section 3 below. + +1.F. + +1.F.1. Project Gutenberg volunteers and employees expend considerable +effort to identify, do copyright research on, transcribe and proofread +public domain works in creating the Project Gutenberg-tm +collection. Despite these efforts, Project Gutenberg-tm electronic +works, and the medium on which they may be stored, may contain +"Defects," such as, but not limited to, incomplete, inaccurate or +corrupt data, transcription errors, a copyright or other intellectual +property infringement, a defective or damaged disk or other medium, a +computer virus, or computer codes that damage or cannot be read by +your equipment. + +1.F.2. LIMITED WARRANTY, DISCLAIMER OF DAMAGES - Except for the "Right +of Replacement or Refund" described in paragraph 1.F.3, the Project +Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation, the owner of the Project +Gutenberg-tm trademark, and any other party distributing a Project +Gutenberg-tm electronic work under this agreement, disclaim all +liability to you for damages, costs and expenses, including legal +fees. YOU AGREE THAT YOU HAVE NO REMEDIES FOR NEGLIGENCE, STRICT +LIABILITY, BREACH OF WARRANTY OR BREACH OF CONTRACT EXCEPT THOSE +PROVIDED IN PARAGRAPH F3. YOU AGREE THAT THE FOUNDATION, THE +TRADEMARK OWNER, AND ANY DISTRIBUTOR UNDER THIS AGREEMENT WILL NOT BE +LIABLE TO YOU FOR ACTUAL, DIRECT, INDIRECT, CONSEQUENTIAL, PUNITIVE OR +INCIDENTAL DAMAGES EVEN IF YOU GIVE NOTICE OF THE POSSIBILITY OF SUCH +DAMAGE. + +1.F.3. LIMITED RIGHT OF REPLACEMENT OR REFUND - If you discover a +defect in this electronic work within 90 days of receiving it, you can +receive a refund of the money (if any) you paid for it by sending a +written explanation to the person you received the work from. If you +received the work on a physical medium, you must return the medium with +your written explanation. The person or entity that provided you with +the defective work may elect to provide a replacement copy in lieu of a +refund. If you received the work electronically, the person or entity +providing it to you may choose to give you a second opportunity to +receive the work electronically in lieu of a refund. If the second copy +is also defective, you may demand a refund in writing without further +opportunities to fix the problem. + +1.F.4. Except for the limited right of replacement or refund set forth +in paragraph 1.F.3, this work is provided to you 'AS-IS' WITH NO OTHER +WARRANTIES OF ANY KIND, EXPRESS OR IMPLIED, INCLUDING BUT NOT LIMITED TO +WARRANTIES OF MERCHANTIBILITY OR FITNESS FOR ANY PURPOSE. + +1.F.5. Some states do not allow disclaimers of certain implied +warranties or the exclusion or limitation of certain types of damages. +If any disclaimer or limitation set forth in this agreement violates the +law of the state applicable to this agreement, the agreement shall be +interpreted to make the maximum disclaimer or limitation permitted by +the applicable state law. The invalidity or unenforceability of any +provision of this agreement shall not void the remaining provisions. + +1.F.6. INDEMNITY - You agree to indemnify and hold the Foundation, the +trademark owner, any agent or employee of the Foundation, anyone +providing copies of Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works in accordance +with this agreement, and any volunteers associated with the production, +promotion and distribution of Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works, +harmless from all liability, costs and expenses, including legal fees, +that arise directly or indirectly from any of the following which you do +or cause to occur: (a) distribution of this or any Project Gutenberg-tm +work, (b) alteration, modification, or additions or deletions to any +Project Gutenberg-tm work, and (c) any Defect you cause. + + +Section 2. Information about the Mission of Project Gutenberg-tm + +Project Gutenberg-tm is synonymous with the free distribution of +electronic works in formats readable by the widest variety of computers +including obsolete, old, middle-aged and new computers. It exists +because of the efforts of hundreds of volunteers and donations from +people in all walks of life. + +Volunteers and financial support to provide volunteers with the +assistance they need, is critical to reaching Project Gutenberg-tm's +goals and ensuring that the Project Gutenberg-tm collection will +remain freely available for generations to come. In 2001, the Project +Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation was created to provide a secure +and permanent future for Project Gutenberg-tm and future generations. +To learn more about the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation +and how your efforts and donations can help, see Sections 3 and 4 +and the Foundation web page at http://www.pglaf.org. + + +Section 3. Information about the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive +Foundation + +The Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation is a non profit +501(c)(3) educational corporation organized under the laws of the +state of Mississippi and granted tax exempt status by the Internal +Revenue Service. The Foundation's EIN or federal tax identification +number is 64-6221541. Its 501(c)(3) letter is posted at +http://pglaf.org/fundraising. Contributions to the Project Gutenberg +Literary Archive Foundation are tax deductible to the full extent +permitted by U.S. federal laws and your state's laws. + +The Foundation's principal office is located at 4557 Melan Dr. S. +Fairbanks, AK, 99712., but its volunteers and employees are scattered +throughout numerous locations. Its business office is located at +809 North 1500 West, Salt Lake City, UT 84116, (801) 596-1887, email +business@pglaf.org. Email contact links and up to date contact +information can be found at the Foundation's web site and official +page at http://pglaf.org + +For additional contact information: + Dr. Gregory B. Newby + Chief Executive and Director + gbnewby@pglaf.org + + +Section 4. Information about Donations to the Project Gutenberg +Literary Archive Foundation + +Project Gutenberg-tm depends upon and cannot survive without wide +spread public support and donations to carry out its mission of +increasing the number of public domain and licensed works that can be +freely distributed in machine readable form accessible by the widest +array of equipment including outdated equipment. Many small donations +($1 to $5,000) are particularly important to maintaining tax exempt +status with the IRS. + +The Foundation is committed to complying with the laws regulating +charities and charitable donations in all 50 states of the United +States. Compliance requirements are not uniform and it takes a +considerable effort, much paperwork and many fees to meet and keep up +with these requirements. We do not solicit donations in locations +where we have not received written confirmation of compliance. To +SEND DONATIONS or determine the status of compliance for any +particular state visit http://pglaf.org + +While we cannot and do not solicit contributions from states where we +have not met the solicitation requirements, we know of no prohibition +against accepting unsolicited donations from donors in such states who +approach us with offers to donate. + +International donations are gratefully accepted, but we cannot make +any statements concerning tax treatment of donations received from +outside the United States. U.S. laws alone swamp our small staff. + +Please check the Project Gutenberg Web pages for current donation +methods and addresses. Donations are accepted in a number of other +ways including including checks, online payments and credit card +donations. To donate, please visit: http://pglaf.org/donate + + +Section 5. General Information About Project Gutenberg-tm electronic +works. + +Professor Michael S. Hart is the originator of the Project Gutenberg-tm +concept of a library of electronic works that could be freely shared +with anyone. For thirty years, he produced and distributed Project +Gutenberg-tm eBooks with only a loose network of volunteer support. + + +Project Gutenberg-tm eBooks are often created from several printed +editions, all of which are confirmed as Public Domain in the U.S. +unless a copyright notice is included. Thus, we do not necessarily +keep eBooks in compliance with any particular paper edition. + + +Most people start at our Web site which has the main PG search facility: + + http://www.gutenberg.org + +This Web site includes information about Project Gutenberg-tm, +including how to make donations to the Project Gutenberg Literary +Archive Foundation, how to help produce our new eBooks, and how to +subscribe to our email newsletter to hear about new eBooks. + |