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+The Project Gutenberg EBook of Berry And Co., by Dornford Yates
+
+This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with
+almost no restrictions whatsoever.  You may copy it, give it away or
+re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included
+with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org
+
+
+Title: Berry And Co.
+
+Author: Dornford Yates
+
+Release Date: January 5, 2006 [EBook #17469]
+
+Language: English
+
+Character set encoding: ASCII
+
+*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK BERRY AND CO. ***
+
+
+
+
+Produced by Hilary Caws-Elwitt, in honor of Peter Caws
+
+
+
+
+
+BERRY AND CO.
+
+
+
+
+BY THE SAME AUTHOR
+
+_Published by Ward, Lock & Co.:--_
+BERRY AND CO.
+JONAH AND CO.
+MAIDEN STAKES.
+THE STOLEN MARCH.
+ANTHONY LYVEDEN.
+VALERIE FRENCH.
+AND FIVE WERE FOOLISH.
+AS OTHER MEN ARE.
+THE BROTHER OF DAPHNE.
+THE COURTS OF IDLENESS.
+
+_Published by Hodder & Stoughton:--_
+BLIND CORNER.
+PERISHABLE GOODS.
+BLOOD ROYAL.
+FIRE BELOW.
+ADELE AND CO.
+
+
+
+
+
+       BERRY AND CO.
+
+           BY
+
+      DORNFORD YATES
+
+
+  WARD, LOCK & CO., LIMITED
+
+    LONDON AND MELBOURNE
+
+
+
+
+PRINTED IN GREAT BRITAIN BY PURNELL AND SONS
+PAULTON (SOMERSET) AND LONDON
+
+
+
+
+_DEAR VALERIE,_
+
+_When a writer admits that he has an affection
+for something which he has written, it is high time to
+pray for his soul. Yet I make bold to confess that
+there are in this book some passages which I hold dear--a
+seeming vanity, which must be explained._
+
+_Many times you have found me at work upon these
+chapters. Often you have taken ill-written pages of
+manuscript from my table and, sitting down in a chair,
+deciphered them for what they were worth. Once or
+twice, whilst you read, you have fallen into silvery
+laughter._
+
+_Do you wonder that I treasure the sentences which
+drew forth such music?_
+
+_This is my dedication._
+
+_As many as see you are glad of the sight. All who
+know you are proud of the honour. But the man
+whose efforts your mirth has commended is the proudest
+and happiest of the lot._
+
+_Need I say that your name is not Valerie? I
+think not. You will know whom I mean._
+
+_Most faithfully yours,_
+
+_DORNFORD YATES._
+
+_Pau, November, 1920._
+
+
+
+CONTENTS
+
+I  HOW WILL NOGGIN WAS FOOLED, AND BERRY
+RODE FORTH AGAINST HIS WILL
+
+II  HOW DAPHNE WROTE FOR ASSISTANCE, AND
+MR. HOLLY WAS OUTBID
+
+III  HOW A MAN MAY FOLLOW HIS OWN HAT, AND
+BERRY TOOK A LAMP IN HIS HAND
+
+IV  HOW NOBBY CAME TO SLEEP UPON MY BED, AND
+BERRY FELL AMONG THIEVES
+
+V  HOW JILL'S EDUCATION WAS IMPROVED, AND
+DAPHNE GAVE HER HUSBAND THE SLIP
+
+VI  HOW NOBBY ATTENDED A WEDDING, AND BERRY
+SPOKE NOTHING BUT THE TRUTH
+
+VII  HOW JONAH OBEYED HIS ORDERS, AND DAPHNE
+AND KATHARINE FESTIVAL BACKED THE
+SAME HORSE
+
+VIII  HOW JILL SLEPT UNDISTURBED, AND NOBBY
+ATTENDED CHURCH PARADE
+
+IX  HOW ADELE FESTE ARRIVED, AND MR. DUNKELSBAUM
+SUPPED WITH THE DEVIL
+
+X  HOW ADELE BROKE HER DREAM, AND VANDY
+PLEYDELL TOOK EXERCISE
+
+XI  HOW NOBBY MET BLUE BANDALA, AND ADELE
+GAVE JONAH A KISS
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER I
+
+HOW WILL NOGGIN WAS FOOLED, AND BERRY RODE FORTH AGAINST HIS WILL.
+
+
+"Who's going to church?" said Daphne, consulting her wrist-watch.
+
+There was a profound silence.
+
+My sister turned to Jill.
+
+"Are you coming?" she said. "Berry and I are."
+
+"I beg your pardon," said her husband.
+
+"Of course you're coming," said Daphne.
+
+"Not in these trousers. This is the first time I've worn them, and I'm
+not going to kneel in them for any one."
+
+"Then you'll change," said his wife. "You've plenty of time."
+
+Berry groaned.
+
+"This is sheer Bolshevism," he said. "Is not my soul my own?"
+
+"We shall start," said Daphne, "in twenty minutes."
+
+It was nearly half-past ten in the morning of a beautiful summer day,
+and we were all taking our ease in the sunshine upon the terrace. It was
+the first Sunday which we had spent all together at White Ladies for
+nearly five years.
+
+So far as the eye could see, nothing had changed.
+
+At the foot of the steps the great smooth lawn stretched like a fine
+green carpet, its shadowed patches yet bright with dew. There were the
+tall elms and the copper beech and all the proud company of spreading
+giants--what were five years to them? There was the clump of
+rhododendrons, a ragged blotch of crimson, seemingly spilled upon the
+green turf, and there the close box hedge that walled away the
+rose-garden. Beyond the sunk fence a gap showed an acre or so of Bull's
+Mead--a great deep meadow, and in it two horses beneath a chestnut tree,
+their long tails a-swish, sleepily nosing each other to rout the flies;
+while in the distance the haze of heat hung like a film over the rolling
+hills. Close at hand echoed the soft impertinence of a cuckoo, and two
+fat wood-pigeons waddled about the lawn, picking and stealing as they
+went. The sky was cloudless, and there was not a breath of wind.
+
+The stable clock chimed the half-hour.
+
+My sister returned to the attack.
+
+"Are you coming, Boy?"
+
+"Yes," said I. "I am."
+
+Berry sat up and stared at me.
+
+"Don't be silly," he said. "There's a service this morning. Besides,
+they've changed the lock of the poor-box."
+
+"I want to watch the Vicar's face when he sees you," said I.
+
+"It will be a bit of a shock," said Jonah, looking up from the paper.
+"Is his heart all right?"
+
+"Rotten," said Daphne. "But that doesn't matter. I sent him a note to
+warn him yesterday."
+
+"What did you say?" demanded her husband.
+
+"I said, '_We're back at last, and--don't faint--we're all coming to
+Church to-morrow, and you've got to come back to lunch._' And now, for
+goodness' sake, go and change."
+
+"But we shall perspire," said Berry. "Profusely. To walk half a mile in
+this sun is simply asking for it. Besides----"
+
+"What's the car done?" said Jonah. "I'm going, and I can't hurry with
+this." He tapped his short leg affectionately. "We needn't take Fitch.
+Boy or I can drive."
+
+"Right oh," said my sister, rising. "Is ten-minutes-to early enough?"
+
+Jonah nodded.
+
+"This," said Berry, "is a conspiracy for which you will all pay.
+Literally. I shall take the plate round, and from you four I shall
+accept nothing but paper. Possibly I shall----"
+
+Here the girls fell upon him and bore him protesting into the house and
+out of earshot.
+
+"Who's going to look after the car while we're in church?" said I.
+
+"There's sure to be somebody ready to earn a couple of bob," said Jonah.
+"Besides, we can always disconnect the north-east trunnion, or jack her
+up and put the wheels in the vestry or something."
+
+"All right. Only we don't want her pinched." With a yawn I rose to my
+feet. "And now I suppose I'd better go and turn her out."
+
+"Right oh," said Jonah, picking up his paper again.
+
+I strolled into the house.
+
+We were proud of the car. She was a 1914 Rolls, and we had bought her at
+a long price less than a week ago. Fresh from the coach-builder's, her
+touring body was painted silver-grey, while her bonnet was of polished
+aluminium. Fitted with every conceivable accessory, she was very
+good-looking, charming alike to ride or drive, and she went like the
+wind. In a word, she did as handsome as she was.
+
+It was eight minutes to eleven as we slid past the lodge and on to the
+Bilberry road.
+
+Before we had covered two furlongs, we swung round a corner to see a
+smart two-seater at rest by the dusty hedgerow, and a slight dark girl
+in fresh blue and white standing with one foot on the step, wiping her
+dainty fingers on a handful of cotton-waste.
+
+"Agatha!" cried Daphne and Jill. "Stop, Boy, stop!"
+
+Obediently I slowed to a standstill, as my lady came running after us.
+
+"You might have told me," she panted. "I never knew you were back. And I
+am so glad."
+
+"We only arrived on Friday, dear," said Daphne, and introduced Berry and
+me. Jonah, it appeared, had met Miss Deriot at tennis in 1914.
+
+"But you had your hair down then," he said gravely.
+
+"It's a wonder I haven't got it down now," said Miss Deriot. "Why didn't
+you come along ten minutes earlier? Then you could have changed my
+tire."
+
+"And why are you driving away from church?" said Jill.
+
+"One of the colts has sprained his shoulder, and we're out of
+embrocation; so I'm going to get some from Brooch."
+
+"I'll come with you," said Berry eagerly, preparing to leave the car. "I
+don't like to think of you----"
+
+"Nonsense," said Daphne, detaining him.
+
+"But supposing she has another puncture?"
+
+"Yes, I can see you mending it on a day like this."
+
+"It's very kind of you," said Miss Deriot, with a puzzled smile.
+
+"Don't thank the fool," said my sister. "If I thought he'd be the
+slightest use to you, I'd send him; but he only wants an excuse to get
+out of going to church."
+
+"Poor Jade," said her husband. "I am a knight, a simple starlit knight,
+a Quixote of to-day. Your brutish instincts----"
+
+"Carry on, Boy," said Daphne. I let in the clutch. "And come over this
+afternoon, Agatha, and we'll tell you all about everything."
+
+"Yes, do," cried Jill.
+
+"All right," said Miss Deriot. "So long."
+
+Three minutes later I was berthing the car close to the lich-gate in the
+shade of sweet-smelling limes, that made a trembling screen of foliage
+within the churchyard wall.
+
+As luck would have it, Will Noggin, once a groom in our service and now
+a trooper of the Dragoon Guards, was leaning lazily against the grey
+wall, taking his ease. As we drew abreast of him, he stood to attention
+and saluted, a pleased grin of recognition lighting his healthy face. We
+greeted him gladly.
+
+"Glad to see you're all right, Will," said Jill.
+
+"Thank you, miss."
+
+"Aren't you going to church?" said Daphne.
+
+"Not to-day, m'm. I'm on leave, and I've 'ad my share o' church parades
+i' the last four years, m'm."
+
+We all laughed.
+
+"Well, if you're not going," said I, "we want some one to keep an eye on
+the car."
+
+"I'll do it gladly, sir."
+
+"Right oh! She's a pretty piece of goods, isn't she?"
+
+"She is that, sir," said Will, visibly impressed.
+
+As I followed the others into the porch, I glanced back to see our
+sentinel walking about his charge, bending an appreciative gaze upon her
+points.
+
+They were singing the _Venite_.
+
+On the ledge of our old pew lay a note addressed to "Major Pleydell" in
+the Vicar's handwriting. When Berry had read it he passed it to Daphne,
+and I was able to read it over her shoulder.
+
+_DEAR MAJOR,_
+
+_Sometimes in the old days you used to read the Lessons. I think we
+should all like it if you would do so to-day; but don't, if you don't
+want to._
+
+_Yours very sincerely,_
+
+_JOHN BAGOT._
+
+In a postscript the writer named the appointed passages of Holy Writ.
+
+So soon as the first Psalm had started Berry stepped to the lectern,
+found his places and cast his eye over the text. Before the second Psalm
+was finished, he was once more in his place.
+
+Doors and windows were open as wide as they could be set, and the little
+church was flooded with light and fresh warm air, that coaxed the edge
+from the chill of thick stone walls and pillars, and made the frozen
+pavements cool and refreshing. Mustiness was clean gone, swept from her
+frequent haunts by the sweet breath of Nature. The "dim, religious
+light" of Milton's ordering was this day displaced by Summer's honest
+smile, simpler maybe, but no less reverent. And, when the singing was
+stilled, you overheard the ceaseless sleepy murmur of that country choir
+of birds and beasts and insects that keeps its rare contented symphony
+for summer days in which you can find no fault.
+
+My impious eye wandered affectionately over familiar friends--the old
+oak pews, almost chin-high, the Spanish organ, the reluctant gift of a
+proud galleon wrecked on the snarling coast ten miles away, the old
+"three-decker" with its dull crimson cushions and the fringed cloths
+that hung so stiffly. A shaft of sunlight beat full on an old black
+hatchment, making known the faded quarterings, while, underneath, a
+slender panel of brass, but two years old, showed that the teaching of
+its grim forbear had not been vain.
+
+For so fair a morning, Bilberry village had done well. The church was
+two-thirds full, and, though there were many strange faces, it was
+pleasant here and there to recognize one we had known in the old days,
+and to learn from an involuntary smile that we had not been forgotten.
+
+It was just after the beginning of the Second Lesson that we heard the
+engine start. There was no mistaking the purr of our Rolls-Royce. For a
+second the girls and Jonah and I stared at one another, panic-stricken.
+Then with one impulse we all started instinctively to our feet. As I
+left the pew I heard Daphne whisper, "Hsh! We can't all----" and she and
+Jonah and Jill sank back twittering. Berry's eyes met mine for an
+instant as I stepped into the aisle. They spoke volumes, but to his
+eternal credit his voice never faltered.
+
+I almost ran to the porch, and I reached the lich-gate to see our
+beautiful car, piloted by a man in a grey hat, scudding up the straight
+white road, while in her wake tore a gesticulating trooper, shouting
+impotently, ridiculously out-distanced. Even as I watched, the car
+flashed round a bend and disappeared.
+
+For a moment I stood still in the middle of the road, stupefied. Then I
+heard a horn sounded behind me, and I mechanically stepped to one side.
+Fifty yards away was the two-seater we had encountered on our way to
+church.
+
+Frantically I signalled to the girl at the wheel. As I did so, a burst
+of music signified that the Second Lesson had come to an end.
+
+"Whatever's the matter?" cried Miss Deriot, as she pulled up.
+
+"Somebody's pinched the Rolls. Will you----"
+
+"Of course. Get in. Which way did they go?"
+
+"Straight ahead," said I, opening the door.
+
+We were well under way before I had taken my seat. As we came to the
+bend I threw a glance over my shoulder, to see four figures that I knew
+standing without the lich-gate. They appeared to be arguing. As we
+turned the corner a stentorian voice yelled--
+
+"The Bloodstock road, sir! I can see their blinkin' dust."
+
+Perched on one of the lower branches of a wayside oak, Will Noggin was
+pointing a shaking finger in the direction he named.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+We were less than three miles from Bloodstock when the off hind tire
+burst. Miss Deriot brought the car to the side of the road and stopped
+in the shadow of an old barn.
+
+"That," she said, "has just done it."
+
+I opened the door and stepped down into the road.
+
+"It means a delay when we least want it," said I ruefully.
+
+"Worse. I've had one burst already, and I only brought one spare wheel."
+
+I whistled.
+
+"Then we are indeed done," said I. "I'm awfully sorry. Heaven knows how
+far you are from your home. This comes of helping a comparative
+stranger. Let it be a lesson to you."
+
+My companion smiled.
+
+"I don't mind for myself," she said, "but what about your car?"
+
+I spread out my hands.
+
+"Reason dictates that I should foot-slog it to Bloodstock and try and
+get the police moving; but I can't leave you here."
+
+"You can easily, but you're not going to. I don't want to sit here for
+the rest of the day." She pointed to the barn. "Help me to get her in
+here, and then we'll push off to Bloodstock together."
+
+A hurried reconnaissance led to the discovery of a little farmhouse, and
+two minutes later I was making urgent representations to the owner of
+the barn. To our relief the latter proved sympathetic and obliging, and
+before we again took to the road the two-seater was safely under lock
+and key.
+
+"And now," said Miss Deriot, "how did it happen?"
+
+"The theft? I can't imagine. We left that fool who yelled at us in
+charge. I suppose he left her to get a drink or something. This is only
+the fourth time we've had her out," I added gloomily.
+
+"Oh, I say! Never mind. You're bound to get her again. Look at that
+meadow-sweet. Isn't it lovely? I wish I could paint. Can you?"
+
+"I painted a key-cupboard once. It was hung, too. Outside the
+stillroom."
+
+"Pity you didn't keep it up," said Miss Deriot. "It's a shame to waste
+talent like that. Isn't it just broiling? I should love a bathe now."
+
+"I hope you don't wear stockings in the water," said I.
+
+Miss Deriot glanced at her white ankles.
+
+"Is that a reflection?" she demanded.
+
+I shook my head.
+
+"By no manner of means. But there's a place for everything, isn't there?
+I mean----"
+
+We both laughed.
+
+"That's better," said my companion. "I couldn't bear to see you so
+worried this beautiful morning."
+
+"My dear," said I, "you've a nice kind heart, and I thank you."
+
+"Don't mention it," said Miss Deriot.
+
+From the crown of her broad-brimmed hat to the soles of her buckskin
+shoes she was the pink of daintiness. Health was springing in her fresh
+cheeks, eagerness danced in her eyes, energy leapt from her carriage.
+Had she been haughty, you would have labelled her "Diana," and have done
+with it; but her eyes were gentle, and there was a tenderness about her
+small mouth that must have pardoned Actaeon. A plain gold wrist-watch on
+a black silk strap was all her jewellery.
+
+"We'd better strike across the next field," said Miss Deriot. "There's a
+path that'll bring us out opposite _The Thatcher_. It'll save us about
+five minutes."
+
+"You might have been born here," said I.
+
+"I was," said Agatha. She nodded towards a beech wood that stood a
+furlong away. "The trees hide the house. But we left when I was seven,
+and only came back to the County five years ago. And here's our field."
+
+The five-barred gate was padlocked. I looked at my companion.
+
+"Shall I get over, advance ten paces, and gaze Into the middle distance?
+Or aren't you that sort?"
+
+Miss Deriot flung back her head and laughed.
+
+"I'd rather you gave me a leg up," she said.
+
+With a hand on my shoulder and a foot in my hand she was up and over in
+an instant. I vaulted after her.
+
+"You know," I said, "we ought to perform, you and I. With a painter's
+ladder, a slack wire, and a little practice, we should do wonders. On
+non-matinee days I might even lift you with my teeth. That always goes
+well, and no one would know you were as light as a rose-leaf."
+
+"Seven stone three in the bathroom," said Agatha. "Without stockings.
+Some rose-leaf."
+
+We were going uphill. The meadow through which we were passing sloped to
+an oaken fence, stoutly constructed to save the cattle from a perilous
+fall. For on its farther side the ground fell away sheer, so that at
+this point a bluff formed one high wall of the sunken road for which we
+were making. _The Thatcher_, I remembered, stood immediately opposite to
+the rough grass-grown steps, hewn years ago for the convenience of such
+passengers as we. There was a stile set in the fence, and as I swung
+myself over I glanced down past the edge of the bluff and into the road
+below.
+
+In the little curved space that fronted the inn the Rolls was standing
+silent and unoccupied.
+
+I must have exclaimed, for Agatha was over the stile In an instant, and
+asking me what was the matter. Then she saw, and the words died on her
+lips. Together we stood spell-bound.
+
+The door of the inn was shut, and there was no one in sight.
+
+My first impulse was to dart down the steps, beat upon the door of the
+tavern, and confront the thief. But valour yielded to discretion. The
+great thing was to recover the car. I had but a slip of a girl with me,
+the spot was a lonely one, and it was more than likely that the
+highwayman was not working alone. Besides, Agatha must not be involved
+in any violence.
+
+I turned to my lady.
+
+"You stay here. I'm going to take her and drive straight to the
+police-station. I'll pick up some police and come back just as quickly
+as ever I can."
+
+Miss Deriot shook her pretty head.
+
+"I'm coming with you," she said. "Carry on."
+
+"But, my dear----"
+
+"I often wish I wasn't so obstinate." She spoke meditatively. "But we're
+all like that. Mules aren't in it with the Deriots," she added, with a
+dazzling smile.
+
+"Neither, apparently, are cucumbers," said I, and with that I began to
+descend the rough stairs, stepping as delicately as I could.
+
+Half-way down I turned to look at my companion, and at that moment the
+step upon which I was standing gave way. The scrambling sounds which
+proclaimed my fall were followed by the rasping protest of yielding
+cloth, and I came to rest six feet from the road at the expense of a
+pre-War coat, which had caught the corner of one of the unplaned risers.
+All had been so still, that in that hollow place the noise could not
+have failed to attract the attention of any one who was within earshot,
+and I lay for a moment where I had fallen, straining my ears for the
+sound of footsteps or voices.
+
+"Are you all right?" whispered a soft voice above me.
+
+I turned my head and nodded. Miss Deriot, standing with clasped hands,
+heaved a sigh of relief and prepared to continue her descent.
+
+Gingerly I stepped down into the sandy road and started to cross it
+a-tiptoe.
+
+Facing towards Bloodstock, the car presented her off side to us.
+
+With the utmost caution I proceeded to induct myself into the driver's
+seat. As I sat down, Miss Deriot slipped in front of the bonnet and
+round to the near side. She was opening the high side-door and my foot
+was on the self-starter, when I heard the murmur of voices.
+
+We were not a second too soon.
+
+The moment I had started the engine there was a cry followed by the
+clattering of heavy shoes upon cobbles, and as the car slid into the
+road a man in a grey hat came tearing out of the inn's courtyard, waving
+his arms and yelling like one possessed. Hard on his heels came pounding
+his supporters, three of them, all bellowing like bulls.
+
+So much I saw for myself. Agatha, kneeling on the seat by my side, kept
+me informed of their movements till we swept out of sight.
+
+"He's simply dancing. The one in the grey hat, I mean. Now he's shaking
+his fist at us. Oh, he's mad. He's thrown his hat on the ground. O-o-o,
+Boy, he's trying to kick one of the others. Oh, I wish you could
+see...." The merry voice dissolved into peals of laughter.
+
+Then the road curled, and Agatha turned left about and settled herself
+by my side.
+
+"How did you know my Christian name?" I demanded.
+
+"Your sister used it this morning. You see, I've forgotten your other,
+and I can't keep on saying 'you.' But I won't do it again."
+
+"Please, Agatha."
+
+"Deriot. One 'r.' I say, you've torn your coat properly."
+
+"It feels as if it was in two pieces," said I.
+
+"If it wasn't for the collar, it would be," said Agatha. "Never mind.
+Bare backs are still fashionable. And what's a torn coat, when you've
+got the car again?"
+
+"You're right," I agreed. "You'd hardly believe it," I added, "but I can
+tell from the feel of her that some stranger's been driving."
+
+"I can believe it. After all, a car's just like a horse."
+
+As she spoke, we sped into the market square of Bloodstock. The police
+station stood in Love Lane, a couple of streets away.
+
+Here a disappointment was in store. The sole representative of the Law
+was a station sergeant in his shirt-sleeves and a state of profuse
+perspiration. Between his lips was a penholder, and he held a telephone
+receiver to his left ear. In an adjoining room the bell of another
+telephone was ringing violently in long regular spasms, while, somewhere
+quite close, a dog was giving ceaseless vent to those short sharp barks
+which denote impatience of detention.
+
+A sudden elevation of the sergeant's eyebrows invited me to state my
+business, but before I had spoken two sentences he shifted the penholder
+from his mouth and shook his head.
+
+"'Fraid I can't 'elp you at the moment, sir. That's the third car what's
+been stole in this distric' this mornin'. There's a 'ole gang of 'em
+about. Every one excep' me's out after 'em now. 'Eaven knows when
+they'll come in. An' there's that other telephone goin' like mad, an'
+the Chief Constable's lef' his bull-dawg tied up there, an' 'e won't let
+me within six foot of it." He turned to blare into the mouthpiece.
+"'Ullo! 'Oo _are_ you? 'Oo _are_ you? Wot! Oh, I can't bear it. 'Ere,
+for 'Eaven's sake, 'old the line." He set down the receiver, shook the
+sweat out of his eyes, and sank on to a stool. "Another blinkin' car
+gone," he said hoarsely. "I dunno wot's the matter with the world. I
+wish I was back in France."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Love Lane was a narrow street, so I did not attempt to turn the car, but
+drove on and presently out of the town by back streets on to the
+Bilberry road.
+
+It would have been better if I had telephoned to White Ladies before
+leaving Bloodstock, to announce my recovery of the car; but I was
+expecting to be back there so soon that it seemed unnecessary.
+
+Indeed, it was only when we were once more under way that I thought of
+the colt and the embrocation, to say nothing of my lady's two-seater,
+now standing helpless in the gloom of the wayside barn.
+
+"I tell you what," said I. "We'll drive to the barn and pick up the
+lotion, and then I'll take you home. Then I can run your chauffeur back
+to the barn with a spare cover, drop him there, and push off to White
+Ladies."
+
+"I can improve on that," said Agatha, with a glance at her wrist. "It'll
+be past one by the time we get home, so you must stay to lunch. You can
+telephone to White Ladies from there. And afterwards I'll go back with
+you--I was to come over this afternoon, wasn't I?--and we can drop the
+chauffeur at the barn on the way. And he can come for me in the
+evening."
+
+Agatha was living at Broadacre, a fine old place on the edge of the
+forest itself, and thither we came without incident, just as an
+old-fashioned gong was summoning the household to meat.
+
+Admiral and Mrs. Deriot were kindness itself. First I was given a long,
+cold, grateful drink. Then the old sailor led me to his own chamber and
+ministered personally to my wants. My coat was given to a maid to be
+roughly stitched, and when I appeared at luncheon it was in a jacket
+belonging to my host. Our story was told and retold, the lawlessness of
+the year of Grace 1919 was bewailed, and a violent denunciation of
+motor-thieves was succeeded by a bitter proscription of the County
+Police.
+
+In the midst of my entertainment I remembered that I had not telephoned
+to White Ladies, but the servant sent to make the connection was
+informed by the Exchange that the line was out of order.
+
+"I expect it's fused," said I. "With Berry at one end and that station
+sergeant at the other, the strain must have been fearful."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+It was half-past two before we were once more in the car. On the back
+seat sat the Deriots' chauffeur, holding a spare wheel between his
+knees.
+
+It did not take us long to reach the barn, and, so soon as we had once
+more unearthed the farmer, authorized him to suffer the chauffeur to
+remove the two-seater, and discharged our debt for "accommodation," I
+turned the Rolls round and headed for White Ladies.
+
+"She's certainly a beautiful car," said Agatha, as the Rolls sailed up a
+treacherously steep gradient on top. "It's like being in a lift."
+
+"And, but for you, we might never have seen her again. Shall I give you
+a stamp album, or would you like to drive?"
+
+"D'you really mean that?" said Miss Deriot.
+
+I shot her a glance. There was no mistaking the eagerness of her parted
+lips and the sparkle of her gay brown eyes. By way of replying I brought
+the car to a standstill. A moment later we had changed places.
+
+"It's awfully kind of you," said Agatha delightedly, as she let in the
+clutch. "I've always wanted to drive a Rolls. I hope I shan't hurt her."
+
+"You'll do her good," said I. "I watched you in the two-seater. You've
+got beautiful hands."
+
+"Thank you, Boy."
+
+"Now you shall have a stamp album as well. Go carefully here. There used
+to be a wasps' nest in that bank, but it's closed now, same as the
+German banks. What a war!"
+
+"But I don't collect stamps."
+
+"Then she shall have a dog. What about a Sealyham to sleep on your bed
+and bite the postman?"
+
+"I'd love one," said Agatha.
+
+"And you'll sit up in bed in the morning, with your hair all about your
+eyes, and smile at him, and he'll growl back at you--I can just see
+you."
+
+"Thanks awfully. But you're wrong about my hair."
+
+"Is it never unruly?"
+
+"Only by day. I wish to goodness I could wear it down."
+
+"So do I. Then we could all sit on it when the grass was wet. At the
+moment there's a particularly beautiful tress caressing your left
+shoulder. And I think you ought to know that the wind is kissing it
+quite openly. It's all very embarrassing. I hope I shan't catch it," I
+added cheerfully.
+
+Miss Deriot made a supreme effort to look severe.
+
+"If you do," she said uncertainly, "I shall drive straight into the
+horse-pond."
+
+"'Sh!" said I reprovingly. "You oughtn't to jest about such things. You
+might catch it yourself. Easily." Here we passed the horse-pond. "You
+know you'll never be able to look fierce so long as you have that
+dimple. You'll have to fill it up or something. I suppose it's full of
+dew every morning now."
+
+Without a word Agatha slowed down, turned up a by-road, and stopped.
+Then she proceeded to back the car.
+
+"What on earth is she doing?" said I.
+
+She turned a glowing face to mine.
+
+"Going back to the horse-pond," she flashed.
+
+I laid a hand on her arm and she stopped.
+
+"My dear, if you must have a bath, you shall have one directly you get
+to White Ladies. I'll turn on the water for you. But let me beg of
+you----"
+
+"If I go on, will you promise to behave?"
+
+"Faithfully."
+
+"And fold your arms and sit like a groom all the way?"
+
+"I suppose you couldn't make it a footman. Then I could stand on the
+petrol tank. However, as it's your birthday----"
+
+I folded my arms with a sigh. Instantly Agatha leaned towards me with a
+dazzling smile.
+
+"Good Boy," she said in a caressing tone. "Now he shall have a stamp
+album."
+
+"But I don't collect stamps."
+
+The smile deepened. But for her red mouth, her little white teeth would
+have been the prettiest things in the world.
+
+"Well, I'd thought of a stamp album," she said slowly. "However, as it's
+your birthday----"
+
+A minute later we were back in the main road.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+By my direction Miss Deriot drove straight to the stables, and we left
+the car standing in the middle of the yard.
+
+As we walked round to the front of the house, "We won't tell the others
+that we've found her just yet," said I. "We'll hear what they've got to
+say first."
+
+"Perhaps they're all out looking for her," said Agatha.
+
+"Not all. Daphne's sure to be here somewhere."
+
+As I spoke we rounded a clump of laurels to see the lady in question
+comfortably ensconced in a deck-chair upon the lawn. By her side was
+Jill, seated upon a cushion, one little foot tucked under her, nursing
+the other's instep with her slim, brown hand. On a rug at her feet lay
+Jonah, his chin propped between his two palms and a pipe in his mouth.
+
+All three were gazing contentedly across the grass to where the drive
+swept wide to the foot of the broad grey steps. _There stood a handsome
+Rolls-Royce, the facsimile of the one from which we had just alighted._
+
+With a great gasp Agatha stopped dead, and I recoiled as from a spectre.
+Instinctively we clasped one another.
+
+"It's all right," I whispered. "I've seen it too. It'll go away in a
+moment. Shows what imagination will do."
+
+"But--but it's real!" cried Agatha.
+
+"Real enough, my lady," said Jonah's voice. He seemed to be speaking
+from a great distance. "And I'll bet you never expected to see her again
+so soon," he added, looking at me with a smile.
+
+"To tell you the truth," said I, "we didn't."
+
+As in a dream I watched a dazed and stammering Agatha made welcome and
+set in a chair by my sister's side. Somebody--Jill, I fancy--led me to
+the rug and persuaded me to sit down. Mechanically I started to fumble
+for a cigarette. Then I heard Jonah talking, and I came to my senses.
+
+"We thought you'd be surprised," he was saying, "but I didn't think it'd
+take you like this. After all, there's nothing uncanny about it."
+
+"But I don't understand----"
+
+"Listen. Will Noggin was sitting in the car when he heard a crash, and
+there was a fellow lying in the middle of the road, about fifty yards
+away, with a push-bike beside him. Naturally Will jumped out and ran to
+his help. The man seemed to be having a fit, and Will was just loosening
+his collar, when he heard the engine start and saw the Rolls moving. He
+left the chap in the road and ran like mad, but he was too late. Nobody
+ever saw the fellow with the push-bike again. Of course he was one of
+the gang, and his fall was a put-up job to get Will out of the way.
+Pretty smart--what?
+
+"Well, you hadn't been gone five minutes when Fitch arrived on his
+motor-bike. He'd come to bring us a can of petrol, for after we'd left
+he remembered the tank was almost empty.
+
+"That gave me a bit of hope. If they stuck to the main road you were
+pretty well bound to catch them, for Fitch swore they'd never get five
+miles. But, of course, they might turn off. So I thought the rest of us
+had better follow and search the by-roads for all we were worth. So I
+sat on Fitch's carrier with the can under one arm, and Daphne
+commandeered the curate's push-bike and sent Berry after us."
+
+"Isn't he back yet?" said I, looking round.
+
+"Not yet," said Jonah, with a grin.
+
+"And doesn't he know she's found?"
+
+"That pleasure is still awaiting him. Well, Fitch was right. We left the
+Bloodstock road for the second time at Dew Thicket, and at the foot of
+the hill there she was, dry as a bone, but as right as rain."
+
+"Abandoned?"
+
+"Apparently. Any way, there was no one in sight. I sent Fitch after you
+and drove her home. Fitch had a burst directly he'd left me, and had to
+walk back to Bilberry."
+
+"Is that all?" said I.
+
+"Well, it's enough, isn't it?"
+
+"Not nearly," said I, rising to my feet. "Kindly accompany me to the
+stables."
+
+"What d'you mean, Boy?" cried Jill.
+
+"'Sh!" said I. "Come and see."
+
+In silence I led the way, Agatha treading solemnly by my side. As we
+turned under the archway that led to the stable-yard--
+
+"You see," I said carelessly, "we, too, have met with some success."
+
+The Rolls was standing where I had left her, waiting to be backed into
+the garage.
+
+My sister gave a cry and caught at Jonah's arm. Jonah started violently
+and smothered an exclamation. Jill put one hand to her eyes, as if to
+brush away a vision.
+
+There was a long silence.
+
+At length I turned to Jonah.
+
+"I fear that you were hasty, brother. A moment's reflection will show
+you that you and Fitch have spoiled some poor car-owner's day. Let me
+suggest that you return your ill-gotten gains to the foot of the hill
+beyond Dew Thicket without delay. As a matter of fact, I know the police
+are very concerned about this theft. It was the fourth in this district
+this morning."
+
+Fitch came forward, touching his hat.
+
+"It's a mistake anybody might make, sir. They're as like as two pins."
+He pointed to the car. "She's the spit of ours, she is."
+
+"Don't be silly," said I. "I admit they're exactly alike, but that's
+ours."
+
+Fitch shook his head.
+
+"Different chassis number, sir, to say nothing of the number-plates."
+
+I stared at him. Then--
+
+"Nonsense," I said sturdily.
+
+"It's a fact, sir. The one in the front's ours. I'm afraid you've stole
+somebody else's car."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+We had returned to the front of the house and were wondering what to do,
+when our attention was attracted by a sudden outburst of cries and the
+noise of a car's tires tearing at the road. This lay but a hundred odd
+yards away on the farther side of the brown stream by which the lawn was
+edged. For the length of a cricket pitch the hedgerow bounding the
+highway was visible from where we stood, and as this was not more than
+four feet high, we were able to observe a scene which was clearly but
+the prologue to a drama in which we were presently to appear.
+
+Under the explosive directions of a man in a grey hat, who was standing
+upright and holding on to the wind-screen, frantic efforts were being
+made to turn what seemed to be a small touring car. Even as we looked, a
+savage gesture in our direction suggested that our friend was
+identifying the Rolls by our side as stolen property for the benefit of
+four individuals who crouched timorously behind him. To my consternation
+I observed that these were no less than an inspector and three
+constables of the County Police.
+
+The next minute the car had been turned round and was being driven
+rapidly back to our lodge-gates.
+
+"Leave them to me," said Jonah quietly. "Go and sit down on the lawn,
+all of you. I'll fix them."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+"That's the fellow," said Grey Hat, in a shaking voice, "and that's his
+accomplice." He pointed a fat hand at myself and Agatha in turn.
+
+"I beg your pardon," said Jonah. Grey Hat turned and looked him up and
+down. "Were you wanting anything? I mean, I live here."
+
+"I don't know who you are," came the reply. "But that's my car, and
+those are the people who stole it."
+
+"One thing at a time. My name's Mansel."
+
+"I'm the Chief Constable of the County."
+
+"Good. Now, about the car. I was under the impression that it was mine."
+
+"Don't try and bluff me, sir," roared the other. "You know perfectly
+well that that car was stolen from the outskirts of Bloodstock only a
+few hours ago. You're a receiver, sir, a common----" He checked himself
+with an effort. "Inspector!" The officer addressed came forward and
+saluted. "Caution the three of them."
+
+"Hadn't you better identify your property first?" said Jonah. "I mean, I
+don't want to interfere, but if it's a question of our arrest----"
+
+The inspector hesitated, and the Chief Constable's face took on a darker
+shade of red. He was a coarse-looking man, generously designed and
+expensively over-dressed. For a moment I thought he was going to strike
+Jonah. Then he caught a heavy underlip in his teeth, turned on his heel,
+and strode to the Rolls-Royce.
+
+He cast a proprietor's eye over her points. Then he stepped behind her
+as though to come to her other side. The next second he was back and
+shaking his fist in Jonah's face.
+
+"So you've had the infernal audacity to alter the number-plates, have
+you?" he yelled. "Thought to bluff me, I suppose. You impudent----"
+
+"One moment," said Jonah steadily. "Without looking at the dash, tell me
+your chassis number. Your chauffeur should know it."
+
+"One double seven eight," came parrot-wise from the lips of the
+gentleman referred to.
+
+"Thank you," said Jonah.
+
+Grey Hat almost ran to the Rolls, tore open the bonnet, and stared at
+the dash--stared....
+
+We waited in a silence so charged with expectancy as to be almost
+unbearable.
+
+At last the Chief Constable straightened his back. His eyes were bulging
+and his face redder than ever. Twice he essayed to speak without
+success. Then--
+
+"I said it was my car," said Jonah placidly.
+
+For a moment Grey Hat stood glaring at him. Then, muttering something
+about "a mistake," he started to lurch towards the police car. As the
+officers turned shamefacedly to follow their chief, Jonah's parade voice
+rang out.
+
+"Stop!" At the word of command, master and men alike stood still where
+they were. "My friends and I have been openly accused of felony and
+threatened with arrest."
+
+The Chief Constable swallowed before replying.
+
+"I was mistaken," he said thickly. "I--I apologize."
+
+"You mean to say you believed that to be your car?"
+
+"I did."
+
+"Why?"
+
+"It's exactly like it."
+
+"There must be some difference."
+
+"There's no difference at all. If mine were here, I'd defy you to tell
+them apart."
+
+"Do you seriously suggest that I shouldn't know my own car?"
+
+"I do."
+
+"And that such a mistake on my part would be excusable?"
+
+"Certainly."
+
+"Thank you," said Jonah. "That excusable mistake was made this morning.
+My car was stolen and sought for. Your car was found. If you will
+accompany me to the stables, I shall be happy to restore it to you at
+once."
+
+Grey Hat started forward, his face transfigured with excitement and
+relief.
+
+"You mean to say----" he began.
+
+"Come, sir," said Jonah icily. "I feel sure that the ladies will excuse
+your withdrawal."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+It was half an hour later, just when we were finishing tea, that a cry
+from Jill made us all turn to follow her gaze down the curling drive.
+
+Twenty paces away was Berry, plodding slowly in our direction, wheeling
+a tired-looking bicycle. His clothes were thick with dust, his collar
+was like a piece of wet rag, and on his face there was a look of utter
+and profound resignation.
+
+As we started to our feet--
+
+"Don't touch me," he said. "I'm leading in the Marathon race. The
+conditions are fearful. Competitors are required not only to walk, but
+at the same time to propel a bicycle, the hind tire of which must be
+deflated. You're only allowed five falls, and I've used four of them."
+With a final effort he reached the edge of the lawn and laid the bicycle
+gently on its side. "'How we brought the good news from Aix to Ghent,'"
+he continued. "Yes, I see the car, but I'm not interested. During the
+last five hours my life has been so crowded with incident that there is
+no room for anything else. Isn't there a cycling club about here I can
+join? I've always fancied a grey sweater."
+
+"Did I hear you say that you had fallen, brother?" said I.
+
+"You did. Four times were these noble limbs prostrated in the dust. The
+first time was when the handle-bars came off. Oh, it's a beautiful
+machine." Solemnly he waited for the laughter to subside. "But she
+doesn't turn easily. If my blood counts, there are at least three
+corners in the County that are for ever England. And now will somebody
+fetch the Vicar? I shan't last long. And some drinks." He stretched
+himself upon the grass. "Several drinks. All together in a large
+vessel."
+
+Jill fled, weak with laughter, to execute his commands. Berry proceeded
+to remove his collar and tie.
+
+"I can't think," he said suddenly, "why they call them safety bicycles.
+I suppose it's because they strike only on the box." He turned to
+Daphne. "Since I left you this morning, woman, I have walked with Death.
+Oh, more than once. Of course I've walked without him, too. Miles and
+miles." He groaned. "I never knew there was so much road."
+
+"Didn't you do any riding?" said Jonah. "I know they're called
+push-bikes, but that's misleading. Lots of people ride them. That's what
+the saddle's for."
+
+"Foul drain," said my brother-in-law, "your venomous bile pollutes the
+crystal flood of my narration. Did I ride? That was the undoing of the
+sage. When he recovered consciousness for the second time, it was to
+discover that the chain was missing and that the back tire was windless.
+In my endeavours to find the chain I lost myself. That reminds me. I
+must put an advertisement in _The Times_ to the effect that any one
+returning a bicycle-chain to White Ladies will be assaulted. I have no
+desire to be reminded of to-day. If anybody had told me you could cover
+about fifty miles of open road in England without meeting anything but
+road-hogs, who not only failed to stop when I hailed them, but choked
+and blinded me with their filthy dust, I should have prayed for his
+soul. And not a pub open!"
+
+He stopped to watch with a glistening eye the approach of Jill, bearing
+a tankard in one hand and a large jug of some beverage in the other.
+
+"What is it?" he said.
+
+"Shandy-gaff."
+
+"Heaven will reward you, darling, as I shan't." He took a long draught.
+"And yet I don't know. I've got an old pair of riding-breeches I don't
+want, if they're any use to you."
+
+There was a shriek from Agatha and Jill.
+
+"Is anybody going to church?" said Daphne, consulting her wrist-watch.
+
+Berry choked.
+
+Gravely, I regarded him.
+
+"Run along and change," said I. "And you can return the curate his
+bicycle at the same time. Besides, a walk'll do you good."
+
+"Don't tempt me," he replied. "Two hours ago I registered a vow. I shall
+drink no water till it is accomplished."
+
+"Let's hear it," said I.
+
+"To offer no violence to a fool for six months," said Berry, refilling
+his tankard. "By the way, you'll have to be very careful when you take
+off my boots. They're very full of foot this evening." He sank back and
+closed his eyes. "You know I never look at the almanac, but before I was
+up this morning I knew that this was a blue-letter day."
+
+"How?" said his wife.
+
+"I left a stud within the bath, and heard Jonah find it." He spread out
+a dramatic arm.
+
+_"And he thereon did only sit,
+  So blind he couldn't see,
+And then the fat-head yelled and swore,
+  Not at himself, but me."_
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER II
+
+HOW DAPHNE WROTE FOR ASSISTANCE, AND MR. HOLLY WAS OUTBID.
+
+"Blow this out for me, Boy, there's a dear."
+
+The sun was streaming into the library, in a cage upon the broad hearth
+there was a blazing log fire, and the appointment of the breakfast-table
+was good to look upon.
+
+So also was Jill.
+
+Installed behind the cups and silver, my cousin made a sweet picture.
+Grave eyes set wide in a smiling face, a pile of golden hair crowning
+her pretty head, the slenderest throat, from which the collar of a green
+silk coat fell gracefully on either side--so much a cunning painter
+might have charmed faithfully on to canvas. But the little air of
+importance, of dignity fresh-gathered that sat so naively upon her
+brow--this was a thing nor brush nor pencil could capture, but only a
+man's eye writing upon a grateful heart.
+
+It was but three days since Daphne had left White Ladies for London, and
+grey-eyed Jill reigned in her stead. Berry had accompanied his wife, but
+Jonah and I had stayed in the country with Jill, lest we should lose a
+note of that echo of summer which good St. Luke had this year piped so
+lustily.
+
+But yesterday the strains had faltered and died. A sour east wind had
+arisen, that set the trees shivering, and whipped the golden leaves from
+their galleries, to send them scudding up the cold grey roads. Worse
+still, by noon the sky was big with snow, so that before the post office
+was closed, a telegram had fled to London warning my sister to expect us
+to arrive by car the following afternoon.
+
+Jill renewed her appeal.
+
+Above the little spirit lamp which she was holding hovered a tiny flame,
+seemingly so sensitive that a rough word would quench it for ever. When
+I had kissed my cousin, I blew steadily and fiercely from the
+south-west. Instantly a large tongue of fire flared half-way to where
+Jonah was eating his porridge and knitting his brows over _The Times_.
+
+Jill's hand began to shake.
+
+"You wicked child," said I. "You knew----"
+
+"Oh, Boy, but it's so silly. We had to leave it for you. Jonah nearly
+burst himself just now, trying."
+
+"Thing's bewitched," said Jonah calmly. "The more air you give it, the
+fiercer it burns. I'd sooner try to blow out a hurricane lamp."
+
+"Nonsense," said I, taking a deep breath.
+
+At the end of the round--
+
+"Yes," said Jonah. "Do you mind blowing the other way next time? It's
+not my face I'm worrying about, but this is the only copy of _The Times_
+in the house."
+
+Jill was helpless with laughter, so I took the lamp away from her and
+advanced to the fireplace.
+
+"I'll fix the swine," I said savagely.
+
+Two minutes later, with a blast that almost blew the lamp out of my
+hand, the flame was extinguished in a flurry that would have done credit
+to a whale. As I straightened my back--
+
+"Well done, Boy," said Jill. "There's a letter for you from Berry. Do
+see what he says. Then I'll read you Daphne's."
+
+"Read hers first," said I. "Strange as it may seem, I entered this room
+to eat."
+
+"Right oh!" And in her fresh little voice my cousin began to read.
+
+_JILL DARLING,_
+
+_The sooner you all come up the better. Everything's ready and Berry's
+more than I can manage alone. His shoulder was aching last night, but
+when I wanted to rub him he said he was a kind of Aladdin's lamp, and
+wouldn't be responsible if I did. "Supposing a genie appeared and formed
+fours, or the slop-pail rotted aside, disclosing a flight of steps."
+Result, to-day in Bond Street he turned suddenly to look at a passing
+car, and had a seizure. He just gave a yell as if he'd been shot, and
+then stood stock still with his head all on one side. Of course I was
+horrified, but he said he was quite all right, and explained that it was
+muscular rheumatism. I stopped a taxi and tried to make him get in, for
+people were beginning to look. Do you think he would? Not a bit of it.
+Stood there and said it was a judgment, and that he must stay where he
+was till it had passed. "That may not be for years. They'll put railings
+round me after a bit, and people will meet at me instead of the Tube.
+You will be responsible for my meals, some of which you will cook on the
+spot. I'll have a light lunch to-day about 1300 hours." One or two
+people stopped, and I got into a taxi just as a man asked him if he was
+ill. "Brother," said the fool, "my blood tests are more than
+satisfactory. A malignant Fate, however----" When I asked him if he was
+coming he told the man I was taunting him, so I just drove home. The
+Willoughbys brought him back in their car quarter of an hour later.
+Madge said she'd never laughed so much in her life, but I can't bear it
+alone. Mrs. Mason is at last reconciled to the idea of an electric
+cooker, and your new curtains look sweet. Come along. Love to you all._
+
+_DAPHNE._
+
+"Berry's version should be engaging," said Jonah. "Slip along with that
+porridge."
+
+"Don't hustle me. Gladstone used to masticate every mouthful he took
+seven million times before swallowing. That's why he couldn't tell a
+lie. Or am I thinking of Lincoln?"
+
+The hostility with which my cousins received the historical allusion was
+so marked that it seemed only prudent to open my brother-in-law's letter
+without further delay.
+
+I did so and read the contents aloud.
+
+_DEAR BROTHER,_
+
+_Your constant derision of human suffering has satisfied me that the
+facts I am about to relate will afford you the utmost gratification.
+Natheless I consider that for form's sake my wife's brother should know
+that I am in failing health. This morning, whilst faring forth, as is my
+wont (pronounced "wunt"), upon a mission of charity, I was seized with
+an agony in the neck and Old Bond Street just opposite the
+drinking-fountain. Believing it to be appendicitis, I demanded a
+chirurgeon, but nobody could spell the word. The slightest movement,
+however, spelt anguish without a mistake. My scruff was in the grip of
+Torment. Observing that I was helpless, the woman, my wife, summoned a
+hackney carriage and drove off, taunting and jeering at her spouse. By
+this time my screams had attracted the attention of a few passers-by.
+Some stood apparently egg-bound, others hurried away, doubtless to
+procure assistance. One fool asked me if I was ill. I told him that I
+had been dead for some days, and asked him if he knew of a good florist,
+as I wanted them to send no flowers. Had it not been for Madge
+Willoughby, I should have been there now._
+
+_Organized bodies of navvies are slowly but surely ruining the streets.
+No efforts are made to stop them, and the police seem powerless to
+interfere._
+
+_There is no room in London. I never remember when there was. But don't
+you come. The air is the purer for your absence, and your silk hats seem
+to fit me better than my own. My love for Jill is only exceeded by my
+hatred of you and my contempt for Jonah. I have much more to say, but I
+have, thank Heaven, something better to do than to communicate with a
+debauched connection, whose pleasure has ever been my pain, and from
+whom I have learned more vicious ways than I can remember. For I am by
+nature a little child. Just before and after rain you may still see
+traces of the halo which I bought at Eastbourne in '94. My gorge is
+rising, so I must write no more._
+
+_BERRY._
+
+"What's muscular rheumatism?" said Jill, gurgling with laughter.
+
+"Your muscles get stiff," said Jonah, "and you get stuck. Hurts like
+anything. I've had it."
+
+"Now you know," said I, selecting a sausage. "Will you be ready by
+hall-past eleven (winter time) or must we lunch here?"
+
+"I'm ready now," said Jill. "But you and Jonah said it was indecent to
+start earlier."
+
+"So it is. We shall get to Pistol comfortably in an hour and a half, and
+if we start again at half-past two, we shall be in London for tea."
+
+Jonah rose and limped to the window.
+
+"I'll tell you one thing," he said. "It's going to be a devilish cold
+run."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Jonah was right.
+
+We sat all three upon the front seat, but even so we were hard put to it
+to keep warm. The prospect of a hot lunch at Pistol was pleasant indeed.
+Jonah was driving, and the Rolls slid through the country like a great
+grey bird, sailing and swooping and swerving so gracefully that it was
+difficult to believe the tale which the speedometer told. Yet this was
+true enough, for it was not a quarter to one when we swept round the
+last corner and into the long straight reach of tarmac, at the top of
+which lay the village we sought.
+
+Pistol is embedded in a high moor, snug and warm, for all its eminence.
+The moor itself is girt with waving woods that stretch and toss for
+miles, making a deep sloping sash of foliage which Autumn will dye with
+such grave glory that the late loss of Summer and her pretty ways seems
+easier to bear. Orange and purple copper and gold, russet and
+crimson--these in a hundred tones tremble and glow in one giant harmony,
+out of which, at the release of sun, come swelling chords so deep and
+rich and vivid that the sweet air is quick with stifled music and every
+passing breeze charged to the full with silent melody.
+
+We had left this girdle of woodland behind us and were within half a
+mile of the village, when some activity about the gates of a private
+house attracted our attention. A little knot of men stood arguing in the
+roadway, three cars and an old fly were berthed close to the hedge,
+while a good-looking landau was waiting for a furniture van to emerge
+from the drive.
+
+The next moment we were near enough to learn from a large poster that
+"the entire contents of Cranmer Place were to be sold by auction" this
+day, "including a quantity of valuable antique furniture," and with one
+accord Jill and I called upon Jonah to stop.
+
+"What for?" said the latter, as he brought the car to a standstill.
+"Don't say you want to go and watch the rector's wife bidding against
+her conscience and the draper for a what-not."
+
+"Such," said I, "is our intention." I hoisted myself to my feet and,
+opening the door, descended stiffly into the road. As I helped Jill to
+follow me, "You push on to Highlands," I added, "and order the lunch.
+We'll only stay a minute or two."
+
+"And you never know," said Jill, "we might see something priceless."
+
+Jonah shook his head.
+
+"Depend upon it," he said, "the oleographs have gone to Christie's, same
+as the fumed oak. Only the dud stuff's left. However, have it your own
+way." With a sigh, he let in the clutch. "If you're not there by a
+quarter past one, I shall begin."
+
+Jill slid an arm through mine, which she squeezed excitedly.
+
+"I'm sure we shall find something, Boy. I just feel it. It always
+happens like this. You see, it isn't as if we were looking for a sale.
+We've just run right into one. And last night I dreamed about
+cretonnes."
+
+"That settles it," said I, as the Rolls glided out of our way and we
+started to cross the road. "All the same, Jonah's probably right. But I
+love a sale. I'm afraid it's curiosity more than anything."
+
+Catalogues were handed us at the front door, and we passed into a fine
+square hall, where a dresser and a large gate-table, each conspicuously
+labelled, declared that the late occupant was a man of taste.
+
+"Two very fine pieces, sir," said a voice. "Coming up this afternoon." I
+turned to see a short stout man in a 1907 bowler and two overcoats,
+which he wore open, regarding the furniture with an appraising look.
+With difficulty he extracted a card from an inside pocket. "If you're
+thinkin' of buyin' anythin', Major, that's me card, an' I'll be very
+'appy to ac' for you."
+
+"Thanks, I don't think----"
+
+"All right, Major, all right. Only if you should, I'm always about," he
+added hastily, turning away in response to a cry which had arisen for
+"Mr. 'Olly." "Comin', comin'!" he cried, making for what I took to be
+the drawing room.
+
+I slipped his card into my pocket and we passed on.
+
+The tallboy chest was standing alone in its dignity at the top of the
+broad staircase.
+
+The moment I saw it I knew it was good stuff. And Jill gave a little cry
+and began to chatter, till I laid my hand on her arm with a warning
+pressure.
+
+"Hush," I said quickly, "don't give it away. Of course they all know
+it's good, but we needn't seem over-anxious. Try and look as if you
+thought it might do for the harness-room if it was enamelled."
+
+"O-o-oh, Boy."
+
+Such chests may be handsome and--rarely--elegant, but this was dainty.
+Standing upon short cabriole legs, it was small, but of exquisite
+proportions, and had been built, I judged, in the reign of Queen Anne.
+The walnut which had gone to its making was picked wood, and its drawers
+were faced with oyster-shell and inlaid with box. Their handles were
+perfect, and, indeed, the whole chest was untouched and without blemish,
+shining with that clean lustre which only wax and constant elbow-grease
+can bring about.
+
+When I had examined the piece as carefully as I dared, I winked at Jill
+and descended into the hall.
+
+Mr. Holly was awaiting us.
+
+Casually I addressed him.
+
+"There's a tallboy at the top of the stairs, labelled 207. I'm not crazy
+about it, but it's about the right size for a recess in my bedroom. If
+you like to buy that for me on a five per cent. basis----"
+
+"Certainly, Major." He wrote in a fat notebook. "Lot 207. An' ow' 'igh
+will you go?"
+
+I hesitated.
+
+"I'll go up to a hundred pounds. But the cheaper you get it, the better
+for you. Understand?"
+
+"I'm there, Major. Will you be coming back?"
+
+"No. But there's my card. You can telegraph to that address this
+evening, and I'll send you a cheque."
+
+"Very good, sir."
+
+A minute later we were walking along the road towards Highlands and,
+while Jill was talking excitedly, I was considering my own recklessness.
+
+As we entered the grounds--
+
+"Don't say anything about it," I said. "Let it be a surprise."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+The first person I saw, as I entered the lounge of that hotel, was
+Berry.
+
+"Do you mind not asking me why I'm here?" he said languidly. "I've just
+finished telling Jonah, and repetition always wearied me."
+
+"Your movements have never interested me," said I. "All the same, I
+thought you were in the grip of Torment."
+
+"I was and shall be. For the nonce----" He turned to a tall dark girl
+who was leaning against the chimney-piece, watching us curiously. "Let
+me introduce my brother-in-law. Carefully kept from me before marriage
+and by me ever since. Both the ablative case, I believe, but what a
+difference? So rich is the English tongue."
+
+The girl threw back her head and laughed. I observed that she had nice
+teeth.
+
+"Name of Childe," she said in a sweet voice. "After all, we can't expect
+him to remember everything. Wasn't my brother in your regiment?"
+
+"I knew I'd seen you somewhere," said I. "The last time you were on a
+towel, leaning against a bottle of hairwash. That was in Flanders in
+1916."
+
+"That," said Berry, "will do. Miss Childe and I came here to lunch, not
+to listen to maudlin memories of the Great War. Did I ever tell you that
+a Spaniard once compared me to that elusive bloom to be found only upon
+the ungathered apricot?"
+
+"How much did you lend him?" said I.
+
+"Perhaps he knew more about ferns," said Miss Childe.
+
+"Blind from birth, I suppose," said Jonah's voice.
+
+My brother-in-law rose to his feet and looked about him with the
+expression of one who has detected an offensive odour.
+
+"He was a man of singular insight and fine feeling," he said. "At the
+time of his outburst I was giving evidence against him for cruelty to a
+bullock. And now, for goodness' sake, somebody collect Jill and let's
+have some lunch."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+"As a matter of fact," said Miss Childe, "I've come down to get some
+butter and eggs. They're usually sent, but the housekeeper's ill, and,
+as I was going spare, father suggested I should run down and pick them
+up."
+
+Her voice sounded as if she was speaking from afar, and I knew that I
+must call up all my reserves of willpower if I was to remain awake.
+
+"But Berry's with you, isn't he?"
+
+"Yes. Your sister came to lunch yesterday and happened to mention that
+he wanted to go to Pistol to-day, so I offered him a lift. He's much
+nicer than any chauffeur."
+
+"But whatever did he want to come to Pistol for?"
+
+"Ah." From a great distance I watched Miss Childe's brown eyes take on a
+look of mischief that seemed at home in its bright setting. "He wouldn't
+tell you and he didn't tell Captain Mansel the truth, so I shan't give
+him away." She looked at a tiny wrist-watch. "And now I must be going.
+We want to start back at half-past three, and I've twenty-five miles to
+do before then."
+
+"May I come with you?"
+
+"Certainly. But----"
+
+I stepped to where Jill was scribbling a note.
+
+"We needn't start before half-past three," I said. "Will you wait for
+me?"
+
+She nodded abstractedly.
+
+Jonah was dozing over a cigarette. Berry had disappeared.
+
+Three minutes later I was sitting in a comfortable coupe, which Miss
+Childe was driving at an unlawful speed in the direction of Colt.
+
+"You drive a lot, don't you?" flashed my companion.
+
+"A good deal."
+
+"Then I expect you hate being driven by a stranger?"
+
+"Not at all. Sometimes, of course----" I waited for us to emerge from
+between two motor-lorries and a traction-engine. As we were doing over
+forty-five, the pause was but momentary. "I mean----"
+
+"That you're being frightened to death?"
+
+"Not to death. I've still got some feeling in my right arm." We dropped
+down one of the steepest hills I have ever seen, with two bends in it,
+at an increased speed. "You keep your guardian angel pretty busy, don't
+you?"
+
+A suspicion of a smile played for a second about my lady's lips.
+
+"The only thing I'm really frightened of is a hansom cab," she affirmed.
+
+"Try and imagine that there are half a dozen round the next corner, will
+you?"
+
+The smile deepened.
+
+"Is your heart all right?" she demanded.
+
+"It was when we started."
+
+"But I know this road backwards."
+
+"You needn't tell me that," said I. "We should have been killed long ago
+if you didn't. Seriously, I don't want to abuse your hospitality, but
+we're going to have kidneys for breakfast to-morrow, and I should be
+sorry to miss them."
+
+"Are you fond of kidneys?"
+
+"Passionately. I used to go out and gather them as a child. In the
+morning and the meadows. Or were we talking of haddock?"
+
+Miss Childe hesitated before replying.
+
+"I used to, too. But I was always afraid of their being toadstools.
+They're poisonous, aren't they?"
+
+"Deadly. By the way, there are six hansoms full of toadstools at the
+cross-roads which I observe we are approaching."
+
+"I don't believe you."
+
+I was wrong. But there was a waggon full of logs and a limousine full of
+children, which were rather worse.
+
+We proceeded amid faint cries of indignation.
+
+"What do you do," said I, "when you come to a level-crossing with the
+gates shut? "
+
+"I don't," said Miss Childe.
+
+I was still working this out, when my companion slowed down and brought
+the car to a standstill in front of a high white gate bearing the legend
+"Private," and keeping a thin brown road that ran for a little way
+between fair meadows before plunging into a swaying beechwood.
+
+"Anything the matter?" I asked.
+
+Miss Childe laid a hand on my arm.
+
+"Be an angel," she said in a caressing voice.
+
+"Certainly," said I. "With or without wings?"
+
+"And open the gate, so that----"
+
+"I know," I cried, "I know. Don't tell me. 'So that the automobile may
+pass unobstructed between the gate-posts.' Am I right?"
+
+"How on earth did you know?"
+
+"Instinct." I open the door and stepped backwards into the road. "I'm
+always like this before eating kidneys," I added.
+
+As I re-entered the car--
+
+"Now we can let her out," said Miss Childe contentedly. "It's such a
+relief to feel there's no speed limit," she added, with a ravishing
+smile.
+
+As soon as I could trust my voice--
+
+"I shouldn't think your chauffeurs live very long, do they?"
+
+"On the contrary, they grow old in our service."
+
+"I can believe you," said I heartily. "I myself have aged considerably
+since we left Highlands."
+
+By this time we had flung through and out of the beechwood, and the car
+was storming past stretches of gleaming bracken, all red and gold and
+stuck with spreading oak trees that stood sometimes alone, sometimes in
+groups of two or three together, and made you think of staring cattle
+standing knee-deep in a golden flood.
+
+The car tore on.
+
+"We're coming to where I used to gather the mushrooms," my companion
+announced.
+
+"Barefoot?"
+
+"Sometimes."
+
+"Because of the dew?"
+
+She nodded.
+
+I sighed. Then--
+
+"Up to now I've been feeling like a large brandy and a small soda," I
+said. "Now I feel like a sonnet. What is your name, and who gave you
+that name?"
+
+"I'm sure that's not necessary. I've seen a sonnet 'To a lady upon her
+birthday.'"
+
+"As you please. Shall I post it to you or pin it to a tree in Battersea
+Park?"
+
+Miss Childe nodded her head in the direction in which we were going.
+
+"That," she said, "is the house."
+
+At the end of a long avenue of elms I could see the bold flash of
+windows which the afternoon sun had set afire, and a moment later we
+swept by the front of an old red mansion and round into a paved court
+that lay on its farther side.
+
+Here was a door open, and in front of this my companion brought the car
+to a standstill.
+
+I handed her out. She rang the bell and entered. I followed her in.
+
+"Like to look round the house?" said Miss Childe. "We've given up
+showing it since the Suffragettes, but if you could give me a
+reference----"
+
+"Messrs. Salmon and Gluckstein," said I, "are my solicitors."
+
+My lady pointed to a door at the end of the flagged passage in which we
+stood.
+
+"That'll take you into the hall," she said. "I'll come and find you when
+I've seen the servants."
+
+I saluted and broke away in the direction she had indicated.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+There was a closet that opened out of the great gallery. No door hung in
+the doorway and I could see china ranged orderly against the panelling
+of the walls. I descended its two stairs, expecting to find it devoted
+to china and nothing else. But I was wrong. Facing the window and the
+sunshine was a facsimile of the tallboy chest which I had coveted so
+fiercely two hours before.
+
+I gazed at it spell-bound.
+
+"It's very rude to stare," said a voice.
+
+I turned to see Miss Childe framed in the doorway.
+
+Her gown was of apricot, with the bodice cut low and the skirt gathered
+in loops to show her white silk petticoat, which swelled from under a
+flowered stomacher so monstrously, that the tiny blue-heeled slipper
+upon the second stair seemed smaller than ever. Deep frills of lace fell
+from her short sleeves and a little lace cap was set on her thick dark
+hair.
+
+I swallowed before replying. Then--
+
+"It's a lovely chest," I said lamely.
+
+"Picked wood," said Miss Childe. "Flogged once a week for years, that
+tree was."
+
+"Flogged?"
+
+"Certainly."
+
+Suddenly the air was full of music, and a jubilant chorus of voices was
+singing lustily--
+
+"_A woman, a spaniel, and a walnut-tree,
+The more you beat them, the better they be._"
+
+As the melody faded--
+
+"I told you so," said Miss Childe. "What about the butter and eggs? Will
+you pay for them, or shall I have them sent?"
+
+I handed her the largest one pound note I have ever seen.
+
+"Thanks," she said shortly. "Change at Earl's Court."
+
+A peal of boy's laughter floated in at the open window.
+
+"Who's that?" said I.
+
+"Love," said Miss Childe. "The locksmiths are here, and he's laughing at
+them. I think it's rather unkind myself. Besides----"
+
+A burst of machine-gun fire interrupted her.
+
+As the echoes died down--
+
+"You smell of potpourri," said I.
+
+"Probably. I made three bags full this morning. Bead bags. Do you mind
+putting some coal on the fire? If there aren't any tongs, use the
+telephone."
+
+There was no fireplace and no coal-scuttle, so I took off my right boot
+and put it in the bottom drawer of the tallboy instead.
+
+"Number, please," said Miss Childe, who had entered the closet and was
+standing a-tiptoe before a mirror to adjust a patch beneath her left
+eye.
+
+"Lot 207," said I.
+
+"Line's engaged," said Miss Childe. "Didn't you see it in _The Times_?"
+
+By way of answer, I threw a large plate at her. She seemed more pleased
+than otherwise with the attention, and began to pluck the delicate
+flowers with which it was painted and gather them into a nosegay. In
+some dudgeon, I blew a small jug of great beauty on to a carved
+prie-dieu, to which it adhered as though made of some slimy substance.
+
+"Cannon," said my lady. "Shall I put you on?"
+
+"I wish you would. It's rather important."
+
+"You're through."
+
+"Tallboy speaking," said a faint voice. "Tallboy. Tallboy."
+
+"How d'ye do?" said I.
+
+"Ill," said the voice, "so ill. All these years I've carried it, and no
+one knew----"
+
+"Pardon me," said I. "I only put it there five minutes ago. You see, the
+fire was almost out and----"
+
+"Measurements tell," said the voice. "But they never do that. They
+polish my panels and lay fair linen within me, and great folk have stood
+about me telling each other of my elegance, and once a baby child
+mirrored its little face in one of my sides. And all the time
+measurements tell. But they never do that."
+
+A sigh floated to my ears, a long, long sigh that rose into a wail of
+the wind, and a casement behind me blew to with a shaking clash.
+
+Somewhere a dog was howling.
+
+On a sudden I felt cold. The sunshine was gone, and the chamber had
+become grey and dismal. Misery was in the air.
+
+A stifled exclamation made me look round.
+
+My lady had backed shrinking into a corner, one little hand pressed to
+her heart, and in her hunted eyes sat Fear dominant. The sweet face was
+drawn and colourless, and her breath came quickly, so that it was
+grievous to mark the flutter of her smooth white chest.
+
+Mechanically I turned to seek the cause of her terror.
+
+I saw a powerfully-built man standing square in the closet's doorway.
+His face was coarse and red and brutal, and his small black eyes glowed
+with an ugly twinkle as he surveyed his quarry. Upon the thick lips
+there was a sinister smile, which broadened hideously as he glanced at
+the nosegay held betwixt his finger and thumb--the little nosegay that
+she had gathered so lightly from the painted plate. A wide-skirted coat
+of red fell nearly to his knees and hid his breeches. His short black
+periwig was bobbed, and a black silk tie was knotted about his neck.
+Stockings were rolled above his knees, and a huge tongue thrust out from
+each of his buckled shoes. And in his left hand was a heavy riding-whip
+whose handle was wrought about with gold. This he kept clapping against
+his leg with a smack and a ghastly relish that there was no mistaking.
+
+Again that phantom chorus rose up and rang in my ears--
+
+"_A woman, a spaniel, and a walnut tree,
+The more you beat them, the better they be._"
+
+But the jubilant note was gone, and, though the tune was the same, the
+voices were harsh, and there was a dreadful mockery of woe in the stave
+that made me shudder.
+
+My lady heard it too.
+
+"No, no, Ralph. You do me wrong. I plucked them myself. Who is there now
+to send me posies? And I am sick--you know it. The last time----" The
+hurrying voice faltered and stumbled piteously over a sob. "The last
+time I was near spent, Ralph. So near. And now----You do not know your
+strength. Indeed----Oh, Ralph, Ralph, what have I done that you should
+use me so?"
+
+The bitter cry sank into a dull moan, and, setting a frail white arm
+across her eyes, she bowed her head upon it, as do weeping children, and
+fell to sobbing with that subdued despair that spells a broken spirit.
+
+My lord's withers were unwrung.
+
+For a moment he stood still, leering like some foul thing that feasts on
+Anguish. Then he let fall the nosegay and took the whip in his right
+hand....
+
+And I stood there frozen and paralysed and dumb.
+
+Posing his victim with a horrible precision, the monster raised his
+whip, but it struck a pendant lantern, and with an oath he turned to the
+gallery, where he should find room and to spare for his brutality. At
+this delay my lady fell upon her knees, in a wild hope, I think, to turn
+her respite into a reprieve, but the beast cried out upon her, struck
+down her outstretched hands, and, twisting his fingers in her soft dark
+hair, dragged her incontinently out of the closet. The little whimper
+she gave was awful....
+
+And I stood there paralysed.
+
+Five minutes, perhaps, had passed, slow-treading, pregnant minutes, when
+my lord reappeared. He stood for a moment listening at the top of the
+stairs, his chin on his shoulder. Then he stepped lightly down. His vile
+face was pale and his eyes shifted uneasily. The devil looked out of
+them yet, but Fright looked with him. Two paces brought the fellow
+before the tallboy. He put up his hands as if to pull open a drawer,
+when something about the whip he was holding caught his attention. For a
+second he stared at it, muttering. Then, with a glance at the doorway,
+he thrust the thing beneath the skirt of his coat and wiped it as it had
+been a rapier....
+
+Again he made to open a drawer, but the spell under which I lay seemed
+to be lifted, and I shot out a hand and clapped him on the shoulder.
+
+For all the notice he took, I might not have been there. The more
+incensed, I shook the man violently....
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+"Repose," said Jonah, "is one thing, gluttonish sloth another. And even
+if you have once again overestimated the capacity of your stomach, why
+advertise your intemperance in a public place?" He lifted his hand from
+my shoulder to look at his watch. "It's now ten minutes to three. Do you
+think you can stagger, or must you be carried, to the car?"
+
+I sat up and looked about me. Except for Jill, who was standing a-tiptoe
+before a mirror, we were alone in the lounge.
+
+"I've been dreaming," said I. "About--about----"
+
+"That's all right, old chap. Tell Nanny all about it to-night, after
+you've had your bath. That's one of the things she's paid for."
+
+"Don't be a fool," said I, putting a hand to my head. "It's important, I
+tell you. For Heaven's sake let me think. Oh, what was it?" My cousins
+stared at me. "I'm not rotting. It was real--something that mattered."
+
+"'Orse race?" said Jonah eagerly. "Green hoops leading by twelve lengths
+or something?"
+
+I waved him away.
+
+"No, no, no. Let me think. Let me think."
+
+I buried my face in my hands and thought and thought.... But to no
+purpose. The vision was gone.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Hastily I made ready for our journey to Town, all the time racking my
+brain feverishly for some odd atom of incident that should remember my
+dream.
+
+It was not until I was actually seated in the Rolls, with my foot upon
+the self-starter, that I thought about Berry.
+
+Casually I asked what had become of him.
+
+"That's what we want to know," said Jill. "He motored down here with
+Miss Childe, and now they've pushed off somewhere, but they wouldn't
+say----"
+
+"Childe!" I shouted. "Miss Childe! I've got it!"
+
+"What on earth's the matter?" said Jonah, as I started the car.
+
+"My dream," I cried. "I remember it all. It was about that tallboy."
+
+"What--the one we saw?" cried Jill.
+
+I nodded.
+
+"I'm going to double my bid," I said. "We simply must have it, whatever
+the price."
+
+Disregarding Jonah's protests that we were going the wrong way, I swung
+the car in the direction from which we had come, and streaked down the
+road to Cranmer Place.
+
+A minute later I dashed into the hall, with Jill at my heels.
+
+The first person I saw was Mr. Holly.
+
+"Has it come up yet?"
+
+I flung the words at him, casting strategy to the winds.
+
+"It 'as, Major, an' I'm sorry to say we've lorst it. I never see such a
+thing. There was a gent there as meant to 'ave it. 'Cept for 'im, there
+wasn't a bid after twenty-five pounds. I never thort we'd 'ave to go
+over fifty, neither. Might 'a bin the owner 'isself, the way 'e was
+runnin' us up. An' when we was in the eighties, I sez to meself, I sez,
+'The one as calls a nundred first 'as it. So 'ere goes.' 'Eighty-nine,'
+sez'e. 'A nundred pound,' sez I, bold-like. 'Make it guineas,' sez he,
+as cool as if 'e was buyin' a naporth o' figs. I tell you. Major, it
+fair knocked me, it did. I come all of a tremble, an' me knees----"
+
+"Where's the fellow who bought it?" said I.
+
+"I'm afraid it's no good, Major. I tell you 'e meant to 'ave them
+drawers."
+
+With an effort I mastered my impatience.
+
+"Will you tell me where he is? Or, if he's gone, find out----"
+
+"I don't think 'e's gorn," said Mr. Holly, looking round. "I 'alf
+think----There 'e is," he cried, suddenly, nodding over my shoulder.
+"That's 'im on the stairs, with the lady in blue."
+
+Excitedly I swung round, to see my brother-in-law languidly descending
+the staircase, with Miss Childe by his side.
+
+"Hullo," he said. "Do you mind not asking me why I'm here?"
+
+"It's not my practice," said I, "to ask a question, the answer to which
+I already know." I turned to Mr. Holly and took out a one pound note.
+"I'm much obliged for your trouble. 'Not a bid after twenty-five
+pounds,' I think you said." I handed him the note, which he accepted
+with protests of gratitude. "You did better than you know," I added.
+
+"May I ask," said Berry unsteadily, "if this gentleman and you are in
+collusion?"
+
+"We were," said I. "At least, I instructed him to purchase some
+furniture for me. Unfortunately we were outbid. But it's of no
+consequence."
+
+Berry raised his eyes to heaven and groaned/
+
+"Subtraction," he said, "is not my strongest point, but I make it eighty
+pounds. Is that right?"
+
+I nodded, and he turned to Miss Childe.
+
+"That viper," he said, "has stung the fool who feeds him to the tune of
+eighty pounds. Shall I faint here or by the hat-stand? Let's be clear
+about it. The moment I enter the swoon----"
+
+"Still, as long as it's in the family----" began Jill.
+
+"Exactly," said I. "The main thing is, we've got it. And when you've
+heard my tale----"
+
+"Eighty paper pounds," said Berry. "Can you beat it?"
+
+"That'd only be about thirty-five before the War," said Miss Childe in a
+shaking voice.
+
+"Yes," said I. "Look at it that way. And what's thirty-five? A
+bagatelle, brother, a bagatelle. Now, if we were in Russia----"
+
+"Yes," said Berry grimly, "and if we were in Patagonia, I suppose I
+should be up on the deal. You can cut that bit."
+
+Miss Childe and Jill dissolved into peals of merriment.
+
+"That's right," said Berry. "Deride the destitute. Mock at bereavement.
+As for you," he added, turning to Jill, "your visit to the Zoo is
+indefinitely postponed. Other children shall feel sick in the
+monkey-house and be taken to smell the bears. But you, never." He turned
+to Miss Childe and laid a hand on her arm. "Shut your eyes, my dear, and
+repeat one of Alfred Austin's odes. This place is full of the ungodly."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+My determination to carry the tallboy chest to London in the Rolls met
+with stern opposition, but in the end I prevailed, and at six o'clock
+that evening it was safely housed in Mayfair.
+
+To do him justice, Berry's annoyance was considerably tempered by the
+strange story which I unfolded during a belated tea.
+
+The house and park which I had seen we were unable to identify, and the
+Post Office Guide was silent as to the whereabouts of Colt. But the
+excitement which Daphne's production of a tape-measure aroused was only
+exceeded by the depression which was created by our failure to discover
+anything unusual about the chest.
+
+We measured the cornice and we measured the plinth. We measured the
+frame and we measured the drawers. But if the linear measurements
+afforded us little satisfaction, the square measurements revealed
+considerably less, while, since no one of us was a mathematician, the
+calculation of the cubic capacity proved, not only unprofitable, but
+provocative of such bitter arguments and insulting remarks that Daphne
+demanded that we should desist.
+
+"All right," said Berry, "if you don't believe me, call in a consulting
+engineer. I've worked the blinking thing out three times. I admit the
+answers were entirely different, but that's not my fault. I never did
+like astrology. I tell you the beastly chest holds twenty-seven thousand
+point nine double eight recurring cubic inches of air. Some other fool
+can reduce that to rods, and there you are. I'm fed up with it. Thanks
+to the machinations of that congenital idiot with the imitation
+mustachios, I've paid more than four times its value, and I'm not going
+to burst my brains trying to work out which drawer would have had a
+false bottom if it had been built by a dipsomaniac who kept fowls. And
+that's that."
+
+Tearfully Miss Childe announced that it was time for her to be going,
+and I elected to escort her as far as the garage. As we stepped on to
+the pavement--
+
+"I know a lot more about you than you think," said I. "I never told you
+half what I dreamed."
+
+"What do you know?"
+
+"Oh, nothing momentous. Just the more intimate details of your everyday
+life. Your partiality to mushrooms, your recognition of Love, your
+recklessness, pretty peculiarities of your toilet----"
+
+"Good Heavens!" cried Miss Childe.
+
+"But you wouldn't tell me your name."
+
+"False modesty. Seriously you don't mean to say----"
+
+"But I do. Nothing was hid from me. Your little bare feet----"
+
+A stifled scream interrupted me.
+
+"This," said Miss Childe, "is awful." We turned into the mews. "What are
+you doing to-morrow?"
+
+"Dictating. You see, there's a dream I want recorded."
+
+"I shall expect you at half-past one. We can start after lunch. I've a
+beautiful hand."
+
+"I know you have. Two of them. They were bare, too," I added
+reflectively.
+
+With a choking sound, Miss Childe got into the car.
+
+"Half-past one," she said, as she slid into the driver's seat.
+
+"Without fail." I raised my hat. "By the way, who shall I ask for?"
+
+Miss Childe flung me a dazzling smile.
+
+"I've no sisters," she said.
+
+Moodily I returned to the house.
+
+I entered the library to find that the others had retired, presumably to
+dress for dinner. Mechanically I crossed to the tallboy, which we had so
+fruitlessly surveyed, and began to finger it idly, wondering all the
+time whether my dream was wanton, or whether there was indeed some
+secret which we might discover. It did not seem possible, and yet....
+That distant voice rang in my ears. "Measurements tell, measurements
+tell. But they never do that." _What?_
+
+A sudden idea came to me, and I drew out the second long drawer. Then in
+some excitement I withdrew the first, and placed it exactly upon the top
+of the second, so that I might see if they were of the same size. _The
+second was the deeper by an inch and a half._
+
+I thrust my arms into the empty frame, feeling feverishly for a bolt or
+catch, which should be holding a panel in place at the back of where the
+first drawer had lain. At first I could find nothing, then my right hand
+encountered a round hole in the wood, just large enough to admit a man's
+finger. Almost immediately I came upon a similar hole on the left-hand
+side. Their office was plain....
+
+A moment later, and I had drawn the panel out of its standing and clear
+of the chest.
+
+My hands were trembling as I thrust them into the dusty hiding-place.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+"Hullo! Aren't you going to dress?" said Jonah some two minutes later.
+
+But I was still staring at a heavy riding-whip whose handle was wrought
+about with gold.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER III
+
+HOW A MAN MAY FOLLOW HIS OWN HAT, AND BERRY TOOK A LAMP IN HIS HAND.
+
+
+"What are you doing this morning?" said Daphne.
+
+Berry turned to the mantelpiece and selected a pipe before replying.
+
+"I have," he said, "several duties to discharge. All, curiously enough,
+to myself. First, if not foremost, I must hire some sock-suspenders.
+Secondly, I must select some socks for the sock-suspenders to suspend.
+Is that clear? Neither last nor least----"
+
+"As a matter of fact," said his wife, "you're going to help me choose a
+present for Maisie Dukedom. Besides, I've got to go to Fortnum and
+Mason's, and I want you----"
+
+"To carry the string-bag. I know. And we can get the chops at the same
+time. We'd better take some newspaper with us. And a perambulator."
+
+"Tell you what," said Jonah, "let's all join together and give her a
+Persian rug."
+
+"That's rather an idea," said my sister. "And they wear for ever."
+
+"You're sure of that, aren't you?" said Berry. "I mean, I shouldn't like
+her to have to get a new one in about six hundred years. I like a
+present to last."
+
+Before Daphne could reply--
+
+"How d'you spell 'business'?" said Jill, looking up from a letter.
+
+"Personally," said I, "I don't. It's one of the words I avoid. If you
+must, I should write it down both ways and see what it looks like."
+
+The telephone bell began to ring.
+
+"Wrong number, for a fiver," said Jonah. "They always do it about this
+time."
+
+Berry crossed the room and picked up the receiver. We listened
+expectantly.
+
+"Have I got a taxi! My dear fellow, I've got a whole school of them.
+Would you like a Renault or a baby grand? What? Oh, I'm afraid I
+couldn't send it at once. You see, I've only got one boy, and he's
+having his hair cut. I can post it to you, and I should think you'll get
+it to-morrow morning. No, I'm not mad. No, I'm not the cab-rank, either.
+Well, you should have asked me. Never mind. Let's talk of something
+else. I wonder if you're interested in rock-worms.... I beg your
+pardon...." Gravely he restored the receiver to its perch. "Not
+interested," he added for our information. "He didn't actually say so,
+but from the directions he gave concerning them--happily, I may say,
+quite impracticable----"
+
+"Talking of telephoning," said Jonah uncertainly, "don't forget we've
+got to ring up and say whether we want those tickets."
+
+"So we have," said my sister. "Wednesday week, isn't it? Let's see." She
+fell to examining a tiny engagement-book, murmuring to herself as she
+deciphered or interpreted the entries.
+
+I continued to survey the street.
+
+It was a dark morning in December, and we were all In the library, where
+there was a good fire, warming ourselves preparatory to venturing abroad
+and facing the north-east wind which was making London so unpleasant.
+
+The tickets to which Jonah referred would make us free of the Albert
+Hall for a ball which promised to surpass all its predecessors in
+splendour and discomfort. No one was to be admitted who was not clad in
+cloth either of gold or silver, and, while there were to be no intervals
+between the dances, a great deal of the accommodation usually reserved
+for such revellers as desired rest or refreshment was being converted
+into seats to be sold to any who cared to witness a pageant of unwonted
+brilliancy. The fact that no one of us had attended a function of this
+sort for more than five years, and the excellence of the cause on behalf
+of which it was being promoted, were responsible for our inclination to
+take the tickets, for, with the exception of Jill, we were not eager to
+subscribe to an entertainment which it was not at all certain we should
+enjoy.
+
+At length--
+
+"I suppose we'd better take the tickets," I said reflectively. "If we
+don't want to go, we needn't use them."
+
+"Oh, we must use them," said Daphne; "and we've got nothing on on
+Wednesday, as far as I can see."
+
+Berry cleared his throat.
+
+"It is patent," he said, "that my personal convenience is of no
+consideration. But let that pass. I have no objection to setting, as it
+were, the seal of success upon the ball in question, provided that my
+costume buttons in front, and has not less than two pockets which are at
+once accessible and of a reasonable capacity. I dare say they weren't
+fashionable in the fourteenth century. No doubt our forefathers thought
+it a scream to keep their handkerchiefs in their boots or the seat of
+their trousers. But I'm funny like that. Last time I had to give the
+fellow in the cloak-room half a crown every time I wanted to blow my
+nose."
+
+"You four go," said Jonah. "I always feel such a fool in fancy dress."
+
+"If you feel anything like the fool you look," said Berry, "I'm sorry
+for you."
+
+Jonah lowered _The Sportsman_ and surveyed the speaker.
+
+"What you want," he said, "is a little honest toil. I should take up
+scavenging, or sewerage. Something that appeals to you."
+
+"I agree" said Daphne. "But you can't start this morning, because you're
+coning with Jill and me to choose the rug." She turned to me. "Boy dear,
+ring up and take those tickets, will you?"
+
+I nodded.
+
+The spirit of reckless generosity which is so prominent a characteristic
+of "Exchange" was very noticeable this morning. The number I asked for,
+which was faithfully repeated by the operator, was Mayfair 976. I was
+connected successively to Hammersmith 24, Museum 113, and Mayfair 5800.
+After a decent interval I began again.
+
+"Kennington Road Police Station," said a voice.
+
+"Kennington or Kennington Road?" said I.
+
+"Kennington Road. There ain't no Kennington."
+
+"Ain't--I mean, aren't there? I always thought.... Never mind. How are
+the police?"
+
+"I say this is Kennington Road Police Station," replied the voice with
+some heat.
+
+"I know you did. I heard you. Just now. If you remember, I asked you if
+it was Kennington or Kennington Road, and you said----"
+
+"'Oo _are_ you?"
+
+To avoid any unpleasantness I replaced my receiver.
+
+Two minutes later, after an agreeable conversation with "Supervisor," I
+arranged to purchase five tickets for the Gold and Silver Ball.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+"This," said the salesman, spreading a rug upon the top of a
+fast-growing pile, "is a Shiraz."
+
+"I suppose," said Berry, "you haven't got a Badgerabahd?"
+
+"I never came across one, sir."
+
+"They are rare," was the airy reply. "The best ones used to be made in
+Germany and sent to Egypt. By the tune the camels had finished with
+them, they'd fetch anything from a millionaire to a foxhound."
+
+This was too much for Jill's gravity, and it was only with an effort
+that Daphne controlled her voice.
+
+"I think that's very nice," she said shakily. "Don't you?" she added,
+turning to me.
+
+"Beautiful piece of work," I agreed. "Some of it appears to have been
+done after dinner, but otherwise...."
+
+"The pattern is invariably a little irregular, sir."
+
+"Yes," said Berry. "That's what makes them so valuable. Their lives are
+reflected in their rugs. Every mat is a human document." With the
+ferrule of his umbrella he indicated a soft blue line that was straying
+casually from the course which its fellows had taken. "That, for
+instance, is where Ethel the Unready demanded a latchkey at the mature
+age of sixty-two. And here we see Uncle Sennacherib fined two measures
+of oil for being speechless before mid-day. I don't think we'd better
+give her this one," he added. "She-bat the Satyr seems to have got going
+about the middle, and from what I remember----"
+
+"Haven't you got to go and get some socks?" said Daphne desperately.
+
+"I have. Will you meet me for lunch, or shall I meet you? I believe they
+do you very well at the Zoo."
+
+The salesman retired precipitately into an office, and my sister
+besought me tearfully to take her husband away.
+
+"I might have known," she said in a choking voice. "I was a fool to
+bring him."
+
+"Let's play at bears," said her husband. "It's a priceless game. Every
+one gets under a different rug and growls."
+
+Resignedly Daphne retired to the sofa. Jill sank down upon the pile of
+rugs and shook silently. Observing that we were unattended, another
+salesman was hurrying in our direction. Before he could launch the
+inevitable question--
+
+"I want a dog licence and some magic lanterns," said Berry. "You know.
+The ones that get all hot and smell."
+
+There was a shriek of laughter from Jill, and the unfortunate assistant
+looked round wildly, as if for support.
+
+Clearly something had to be done.
+
+I stepped forward and slid my arm through that of the delinquent.
+
+"Enough," said I. "Come and devil the hosier. If you're not quick all
+the socks will be gone."
+
+My brother-in-law eyed me suspiciously.
+
+"And leave my baggage?" he demanded, pointing to Daphne. "Never. This is
+a ruse. Where is the manager of the emporium? I dreamed about him last
+night. He had brown boots on."
+
+I consulted my watch before replying.
+
+"By the time we get to the Club, Martinis will be in season."
+
+"Do you mean that?" said Berry.
+
+"I do."
+
+"And a small but pungent cigar?"
+
+I nodded.
+
+He turned to the bewildered salesman.
+
+"Please attend to these ladies. They want to choose an expensive-looking
+rug. Preferably a Shiraz. No doubt they will be safe in your hands. Good
+morning."
+
+On the way out he stopped at a counter and purchased one of the
+prettiest bead bags I have ever seen. He ordered it to be sent to
+Daphne.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+The omnibus was sailing down Oxford Street at a good round pace, but it
+was the sudden draught from a side street that twitched my hat from my
+head. I turned to see the former describe a somewhat elegant curve and
+make a beautiful landing upon the canopy of a large limousine which was
+standing by the kerb some seventy yards away. By the time I had
+alighted, that distance was substantially increased. In some dudgeon I
+proceeded to walk, with such remnants of dignity as I could collect and
+retain, in tie direction of my lost property. Wisdom suggested that I
+should run; but I felt that the spectacle of a young man, hatless but
+otherwise decently dressed and adequately protected from the severity of
+the weather, needed but the suggestion of impatience to make it wholly
+ridiculous. My vanity was rightly served. I was still about thirty paces
+from my objective, when the limousine drew out from the pavement and
+into the stream of traffic which was hurrying east.
+
+As my lips framed a particularly unpleasant expletive a bell rang
+sharply, and I turned to see a taxi, which had that moment been
+dismissed.
+
+"Oxford Circus," I cried, flinging open the door.
+
+A moment later we were near enough for me to indicate the large
+limousine and to instruct my driver to follow her.
+
+As we swept into Regent's Park, I began to wonder whether I should not
+have been wiser to drive to Bond Street and buy a new hat. By the time
+we had been twice round the Ring I had no longer any doubt on this
+point; but my blood was up, and I was determined to run my quarry to
+earth, even if it involved a journey to Hither Green.
+
+More than once we were almost out-distanced, three times we were caught
+in a block of traffic, so that my taxi's bonnet was nosing the
+limousine's tank. Once I got out, but, as I stepped into the road, the
+waiting stream was released, and the car slid away and round the hull of
+a 'bus from under my very hand. My escape from a disfiguring death
+beneath the wheels of a lorry was so narrow that I refrained from a
+second attempt to curtail my pursuit, and resigned myself to playing a
+waiting game.
+
+When we emerged from the Park, my spirits rose and I fell to studying
+what I could see of the lines of the limousine, and to speculating
+whether I was being led to Claridge's or the Ritz. I had just pronounced
+In favour of the latter, when there fell upon my ears the long regular
+spasm of ringing which is a fire-engine's peremptory demand for instant
+way. Mechanically the order was everywhere obeyed. The street was none
+too wide, and a second and louder burst of resonance declared that the
+fire-engine was hard upon our heels.
+
+The twenty yards separating us from the limousine were my undoing. With
+a helpless glance at me over his shoulder, my driver pulled in to the
+kerb, and we had the felicity of watching the great blue car turn down a
+convenient side street and flash out of sight.
+
+The engine swept by at a high smooth speed, the traffic emerged from its
+state of suspended animation, and in some annoyance I put my head out of
+the window and directed my driver to drive to Bond Street.
+
+I had chosen a new hat and was on the point of leaving the shop, when a
+chauffeur entered with a soft grey hat in his hand. The hat resembled
+the one I had Lost, and for a moment I hesitated. Then it occurred to me
+that there were many such hats in London, and I passed on and out of the
+door. Of course it was only a coincidence. Still....
+
+Opposite me, drawn up by the kerb, was the large blue limousine.
+
+The next moment I was back in the shop.
+
+"I rather think that's my hat," I said.
+
+The chauffeur looked round.
+
+"Is it, sir? 'Er ladyship see it on top o' the canopy Just as I put 'er
+down at the Berkeley. 'Wilkins,' she says, 'there's a 'at on the car.'
+'A 'at, me lady?' says I. 'A 'at,' says she. 'Fetch it down.' I fetches
+it down and shows it 'er. 'An' a nice noo 'at, too,' she says, 'wot must
+have blowed orf of a gent's 'ead, an' 'e on top of a 'bus, as like as
+not.' Then she looks inside and see the initials and the name o' the
+shop. 'Take it back where it come from,' she says. 'They'll know oose it
+is.' 'Very good, me lady,' said I, an' come straight down, sir."
+
+I took off the hat I was wearing and bade him read the initials which
+had just been placed there. He did so reluctantly. Then--
+
+"Very glad to 'ave found you so quick, sir. Shall I tell them to send it
+along? You won't want to carry it."
+
+"I'll see to that," said I, taking it out of his hand. "Why didn't it
+blow off your canopy?"
+
+"The spare cover was 'oldin' it, sir. Must 'ave shifted on to the brim
+as soon as it come there. I don't know 'ow long----"
+
+"Best part of an hour," I said shortly, giving him a two-shilling piece.
+"Good day, and thanks very much."
+
+He touched his cap and withdrew.
+
+A wrestle with mental arithmetic showed me that the draught which I had
+encountered nearly an hour before had cost me exactly one and a half
+guineas.
+
+Ordinarily I should have dismissed the matter from my mind, but for some
+reason I had no sooner let the chauffeur go than I was tormented by a
+persistent curiosity regarding the identity of his considerate mistress.
+If I had not promised to rejoin Berry for lunch--a meal for which I was
+already half an hour late--I should have gone to the Berkeley and
+scrutinized the guests. The reflection that such a proceeding must only
+have been unprofitable consoled me not at all, so contrary a maid is
+Speculation. For the next two hours Vexation rode me on the curb. I
+quarrelled with Berry, I was annoyed with myself, and when the
+hall-porter at the Club casually observed that there was "a nasty wind,"
+I agreed with such hearty and unexpected bitterness that he started
+violently and dropped the pile of letters which he was searching on my
+behalf.
+
+A visit to Lincoln's Inn Fields, however, with regard to an estate of
+which I was a trustee, followed by a sharp walk in the Park, did much to
+reduce the ridiculous fever of which my folly lay sick, and I returned
+home in a frame of mind almost as comfortable as that in which I had set
+out.
+
+It was half-past four, but no one of the others was in, so I ordered tea
+to be brought to the library, and settled down to the composition of a
+letter to _The Observer_.
+
+I was in the act of recasting my second sentence, when the light went
+out.
+
+By the glow of the fire I made my way to the door A glance showed me
+that the hall and the staircase were In darkness. It was evident that a
+fuse had come to a violent end.
+
+I closed the door and returned to my seat. Then I reached for the
+telephone and put the receiver to my ear.
+
+"What an extraordinary thing!" said a voice. "And you've no idea whose
+it was?"
+
+"Not the slightest," came the reply. There was a musical note in the
+girlish tone that would have attracted any one. "There it was, on the
+top of the car, when we got to the Berkeley. It wasn't such a bad hat,
+either."
+
+"Excuse me," said I. "It was a jolly good hat."
+
+A long tense silence followed my interruption. At length--
+
+"I say, are you there, Dot?"
+
+"Yes," came the reply in an excited whisper. "Who was that speaking?"
+
+"I've not the faintest idea," rejoined the first voice I had heard.
+"Somebody must have got on to our line. I expect----"
+
+A familiar explosion severed the sentence with the clean efficiency of
+the guillotine.
+
+"Isn't that sickening?" said I. "Now we shall never know what her theory
+was."
+
+"It's all your fault, whoever you are. If you hadn't butted in----"
+
+"I don't know what you mean," I retorted. "I was ushered into your
+presence, so to speak, by _la force majeure_. French. Very difficult."
+
+"Well, when you heard us talking, you ought to have got off the line."
+
+"I should have, if you hadn't started disparaging my headgear. I repeat,
+it was a hat of unusual elegance. It had a personality of its own."
+
+"But it wasn't your hat we were discussing."
+
+I sighed.
+
+"All right," I said wearily. "It wasn't. Have it your own way. Some
+other fool followed a silver-grey Homburg twice round the Park this
+morning. Some other fool----"
+
+A little gasp interrupted me.
+
+"But how did you know my number?"
+
+"I didn't. I don't. I never could have been about to should. Negatives
+all the way. It's just chance, my dear. Chance with a Capital J--I mean
+C. D'you mind if I smoke?"
+
+Her reply was preceded by a refreshing gurgle.
+
+"Not at all," said my lady. "D'you mean to say you chased us all that
+way?"
+
+"Further. And if it hadn't been for that fire-engine----"
+
+"I remember. Wilkins turned down a side-street."
+
+"Exactly."
+
+"What a shame. Well, if you go to your hatter's you'll get it again."
+
+"Your ingenuity is only equalled by your consideration. Isn't that
+neatly put? You see, I'm writing a letter to _The Observer_, and, when I
+get going, I can just say things like that one after another."
+
+"How wonderful. But I'm afraid I'm interrupting you, and I shouldn't
+like to deprive Humanity----"
+
+"Your name," said I, "is Dot. But I shall call you Mockery. And if
+you're half as sweet as you sound----"
+
+"Good-bye."
+
+I protested earnestly.
+
+"Please don't say that. We've only just met. Besides ... why was Clapham
+Common?"
+
+"Clapham what?"
+
+"No, Common. Why was Clapham Common?"
+
+"Well, why was it?"
+
+"I can't think, my dear. I thought you might know. It's worried me for
+years."
+
+There was a choking sound, which suggested indignation struggling with
+laughter. Then--
+
+"I've a good mind to ring off right away," said Dot in a shaking voice.
+
+"That would be cruel. Think of the dance you led me this morning. More.
+Think of the dances you're going to give me on Wednesday week."
+
+"Oh, you're going, are you?"
+
+"If you are."
+
+"What as?" she demanded.
+
+"A billiard-marker in the time of Henry the Fourth. And you?"
+
+"I can't rise to that. I'm going as myself in a silver frock."
+
+"Could anything be sweeter? A little silver Dot. I shall cancel the
+body-snatcher--I mean billiard-marker--and go as Carry One. Then we can
+dance together all the evening. By the way, in case I don't hear your
+voice, how shall I know you?"
+
+"A dot," said my lady, "is that which hath position, but no magnitude."
+
+"Possibly," said I. "It hath also a dear voice, which, though it be
+produced indefinitely, will never tire. All the same, in view of the
+capacity of the Albert Hall, you've not given me much to go on."
+
+"As a matter of fact, each of us is going as a parallel line. And that's
+why I can tell you that I like the sound of you, and--oh, well, enough
+said."
+
+"Thank you, Dot. And why parallel lines?"
+
+"They never meet. So long."
+
+There was a faint chunk.
+
+My lady had rung off.
+
+Heavily I hung up my receiver.
+
+When the others came in, I was still sitting in the dark at the table,
+thinking....
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+The bitter wind reigned over London for seven long days, meting
+untempered chastisement to its reluctant subjects, and dying unwept and
+gasping on a Monday night. Tuesday was fair, still by comparison and
+indeed. The sun shone and the sky was blue, and the smoke rose straight
+out of its chimneys with never the breath of a breeze to bend it, or
+even to set its columns swaying over the high roofs. There was a great
+calm. But, with it all, the weather was terribly cold.
+
+That rare beauty which Dusk may bring to the Metropolis was that evening
+vouchsafed. Streets that were mean put off their squalor, ways that were
+handsome became superb. Grime went unnoticed, ugliness fell away. All
+things crude or staring became indistinct, veiled with a web of that
+soft quality which only Atmosphere can spin and, having spun, hang about
+buildings of a windless eve.
+
+As Night drew on, Magic came stealing down the blurred highways. Lamps
+became lanterns, shedding a muffled light, deepening and charging with
+mystery the darkness beyond. Old friends grew unfamiliar. Where they had
+stood, fantastic shapes loomed out of the mist and topless towers rose
+up spectral to baffle memory. Perspective fled, shadow and stuff were
+one, and, save where the radiance of the shops in some proud
+thoroughfare made gaudy noon of evening, the streets of Town were
+changed to echoing halls and long, dim, rambling galleries, hung all
+with twinkling lights that stabbed the gloom but deep enough to show
+their presence, as do the stars.
+
+So, slowly and with a dazzling smile, London put on her cloak of
+darkness. By eight o'clock you could not see two paces ahead.
+
+On Wednesday morning the fog was denser than it had been the night
+before. There was no sign of its abatement, not a puff of wind elbowed
+its way through the yellow drift, and the cold was intense. The prospect
+of leaving a comfortable home at nine in the evening to undertake a
+journey of some two miles, clad in habiliments which, while highly
+ornamental, were about as protective from cold as a grape-skin rug, was
+anything but alluring.
+
+For reasons of my own, however, I was determined to get to the Ball. My
+sister, whom nothing daunted, and Jill, who was wild with excitement,
+and had promised readily to reserve more dances than could possibly be
+rendered, were equally firm. Jonah thought it a fool's game, and said as
+much. Berry was of the same opinion, but expressed it less bluntly, and
+much more offensively. After a long tirade--
+
+"All right," he concluded. "You go. It's Lombard Street to a china
+orange you'll never get there, and, if you do, you'll never get back.
+None of the band'll turn up, and if you find twenty other fools in the
+building to exchange colds with, you'll be lucky. To leave your home on
+a night like this is fairly clamouring for the special brand of trouble
+they keep for paralytic idiots. I've known you all too long to expect
+sagacity, but the instinct of self-preservation characterizes even the
+lower animals. What swine, for instance, would leave its cosy sty----"
+
+"How dare you?" said Daphne. "Besides, you can't say 'its.' Swine's
+plural."
+
+"My reference was to the fever-swine," was the cold reply. "A singular
+species. Comparable only with the deep-sea dip-sheep."
+
+"I think you're very unkind," said Jill, pouting. "Boy can walk in front
+with a lamp, and Jonah can walk behind with a lamp----"
+
+"And I can walk on both sides, I suppose, with a brazier in either hand.
+Oh, this is too easy."
+
+"We can but try," said I.
+
+"You can but close your ugly head," said Berry. "If you want to walk
+about London half the night, looking like a demobilised pantaloon, push
+off and do it. But don't try and rope in innocent parties."
+
+To this insult I made an appropriate reply, and the argument waxed. At
+length----
+
+"There's no reason," said Jonah, "why we shouldn't go on like this for
+ever. If we had any sense, we should send for Fitch and desire his
+opinion. It's rather more valuable than any one of ours, and, after all,
+he's more or less interested. And you can trust him."
+
+Now, Fitch was our chauffeur.
+
+Amid a chorus of approval, I went to the telephone to speak to the
+garage.
+
+I was still waiting to be connected, when--
+
+"Is that the Club?" said a voice.
+
+"No," said I. "Nothing like it."
+
+"Well, there's a bag of mine in the hall, and----"
+
+"No, there isn't," said I.
+
+"What d'you mean?" was the indignant retort.
+
+"What I say. Our hall is bagless."
+
+"I say," said the voice with laboured clarity, "I say there is a bag in
+the hall. A BAG. Hang it all, you know what a bag is?"
+
+"Rather," said I heartily. "What you put nuts in. An uncle of mine had
+one."
+
+The vehemence with which the unknown subscriber replaced his receiver
+was terrible to hear.
+
+Ten minutes later Fitch entered the room.
+
+"Can you get to the Albert Hall to-night, Fitch?" said Daphne.
+
+"I think so, madam. If we go slow."
+
+"Can you get back from the Albert Hall to-morrow afternoon?" said Berry.
+
+"If I can get there, sir, I can get back."
+
+"How long will it take?"
+
+"I ought to do it in 'alf an hour, sir. I can push along in the Park,
+where it's all straight going. It's getting along the streets as'll take
+the time. It's not that I won't find me way, but it's the watchin' out
+for the hother vehicles, so as they don't run into you."
+
+"Bit of an optimist, aren't you?"
+
+"I don't think so, sir."
+
+"Thank you, Fitch," said Daphne hastily. "Half-past nine, please."
+
+"Very good, madam."
+
+He bowed and withdrew.
+
+Triumphantly my sister regarded her husband.
+
+"At making a mountain out of a molehill," she said, "no one can touch
+you."
+
+Berry returned her gaze with a malevolent stare. Then he put a thumb to
+his nose and extended his fingers in her direction.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+The unfortunate incident occurred in the vicinity of Stanhope Gate.
+
+So far we had come very slowly, but without incident, and, in spite of
+the fact that we were insufficiently clad, we were nice and warm. For
+this, so far as Berry and I were concerned, two footwarmers and a pair
+of rugs were largely responsible, for the elaborate nature of our
+costumes put the wearing of overcoats out of the question. A
+high-collared Italian cloak of the shape that was seen in the time of
+Elizabeth made it impossible for me to wear a _surtout_ of any
+description, and I was reduced to wrapping a muffler about my neck and
+holding a woollen shawl across my chest, while Berry, in that puffed and
+swollen array, which instantly remembers Henry the Eighth, derived what
+comfort he could from an enormous cloak of Irish frieze which, while it
+left his chest uncovered, succeeded in giving him a back about four feet
+square.
+
+Hitherto we had encountered little or no traffic, and an excellent
+judgment, coupled with something akin to instinct, on the part of Fitch
+had brought us surely along the streets; but here, almost before we knew
+it, there were vehicles in front and on either side. Hoarse directions
+were being shouted, lanterns were being waved, engines were running, and
+a few feet away frantic endeavours were being made to persuade a pair of
+horses to disregard twin headlights whose brilliancy was adding to the
+confusion. Berry lowered the window.
+
+"What about it, Fitch?"
+
+"Well, sir, I'm just opposite the gate, but it's rather awkward to slip
+across, in case I meet somethin'. If I 'as to pull up 'alf-way, we might
+be run into."
+
+"Which means that one of us must guide you over?"
+
+"It'd be safer, sir."
+
+By a majority of three it was decided that Berry should enact the _role_
+of conducting officer. Jonah had a cold, and was sitting on the back
+seat between the girls. I had no coat, and required the services of both
+hands if I was to hold my shawl in position. Only my brother-in-law
+remained. He did not go down without a struggle, but after a vigorous
+but vain appeal "to our better natures," he compared himself to a lion
+beset by jackals, commented bitterly upon "the hot air which is breathed
+about self-sacrifice," and, directing that after death his veins should
+be opened in the presence of not less than twelve surgeons, as a
+preliminary to his interment in the Dogs' Cemetery, opened the door and
+stepped sideways into the roadway.
+
+His efforts to remove the offside oil lamp, which was hot to the touch,
+were most diverting, and twice he returned to the window to ask us to
+make less noise. At last, however, with the assistance of Fitch, the
+lamp was unhooked, and a moment later our absurd link-boy advanced
+cautiously in the direction of the gate.
+
+Fitch let in the clutch.
+
+We must have been half-way across, when a lamp of extraordinary power
+came gliding up on the near side, confusing all eyes and altogether
+effacing our guiding light.
+
+Fitch applied his brakes and cried out a warning. Instantly the lamp
+stopped, but its glare was blinding and our chauffeur was clearly afraid
+to move.
+
+In a flash I was out of the car and holding my shawl over the face of
+the offender. At once Fitch took the car forward. As I fell in behind, I
+heard Berry's voice.
+
+"Thank you. I hope I didn't jostle your 'bus. Yes, I am completely and
+utterly lost. No, I don't mind at all. I'm going to bale out the
+drinking-trough and sleep there. And in the morning they'll take me to
+the Foundling Hospital. Hullo. That's done it. Blind me first and then
+run me down. What are you? A travelling lighthouse or an air-raid? Want
+to get to Cannon Street? Well, I should go round by sea, if I were
+you.... Well, if you must know, I'm Mary Pickford about to be trodden to
+death in _Maelstrom_ or _Safety Last_. You know, you're not racing your
+engine enough. I can still hear myself think...."
+
+His voice grew fainter and stopped.
+
+Vigorously I shouted his name. A cold draught, and we swept into the
+Park. Fitch pulled up on the left-hand side.
+
+"Berry, Berry!" I shouted.
+
+In the distance I could hear voices, but no one answered me....
+
+In response to my sister's exhortations I re-entered the car, and drew a
+rug over my shivering limbs. The others put their heads out of the
+windows and shouted for Berry in unison. There was no reply.
+
+For a quarter of an hour we shouted at intervals. Then Jonah took the
+other lamp and returned to the gate. He did not reappear for ten
+minutes, and we were beginning to give him up, when to our relief he
+opened the door.
+
+"No good," he said curtly. "We'd better get on. He's probably gone
+home."
+
+"I suppose he's all right," said Daphne, in some uneasiness.
+
+"You can't come to any harm on foot," said I. "Everything's going dead
+slow for its own sake. And when I last heard him, he was having the time
+of his life. Incidentally, as like as not, he'll strike a car that's
+going to the Ball and ask for a lift."
+
+"I expect he will," said Jill. "There must be any amount on the way."
+
+"All right," said my sister. "Tell Fitch to carry on."
+
+Twenty minutes later that good helmsman set us down at the main entrance
+to the Albert Hall.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+The conditions prevailing within that edifice suggested that few, if
+any, ticket-holders had been deterred from attending by the conditions
+prevailing without. The boxes were full, the floor was packed, the
+corridors were thronged with eager shining revellers, dancing and
+strolling and chattering to beat the band, which was flooding every
+corner of the enormous building with an air of gaiety so infectious that
+even the staid Jonah began to grumble that the dance would be over
+before the girls emerged from the cloakroom.
+
+The Field of the Cloth of Gold cannot have presented a more splendid
+spectacle. True, there was nothing of the pageant about the function,
+neither were Pomp and Chivalry among the guests. But Grace was there,
+and Ease and Artlessness, lending the scene that warmth and life and
+verity which Form and Ceremony do not allow.
+
+The utter hopelessness of encountering my lady of the limousine was so
+apparent that I relegated a ridiculous notion which I had been
+harbouring to the region of things impossible, and determined to think
+about it no more. For all that, I occasionally found myself scanning the
+crowd of strangers and wondering whether there was one amongst them
+whose voice I knew. It was during one of these lapses that I heard my
+name.
+
+"Who have you lost?" asked Maisie Dukedom, all radiant as a gold
+shepherdess.
+
+"Dance with me," said I, "and I'll tell you."
+
+She glanced at a tiny wrist-watch.
+
+"I promised I wouldn't stay more than an hour," she said, "and I ought
+to be going. But I want to thank you for that beautiful rug. If I give
+you the next, will you get the car for me as soon as it's over?"
+
+"If you must go."
+
+She nodded, and we pushed off into the rapids.
+
+"And now, who is it?" she demanded.
+
+"I thought you were going to thank me for the rug."
+
+She made a little grimace of impatience.
+
+"The best way I can thank you is to tell you the truth. Jack and I went
+to buy a rug at Lucifer's."
+
+"That's where we got yours."
+
+She pinched my arm.
+
+"Will you listen? We must have got to the shop directly you'd left. The
+one you'd bought was still lying there. We both thought it feet above
+any other rug there, and, when they said it was sold, I nearly cried. We
+were so fed up that we said we wouldn't get a rug at all, and went off
+to look at book-cases and chests of drawers. I didn't get home till six,
+and, when I did, there was your present. Are you satisfied?"
+
+"Overwhelmed."
+
+"Good. Now, who's the lady?"
+
+"That's just what I can't tell you. I know her voice, but not her
+countenance. Her name is Dot--Lady Dot. She drives in a blue limousine
+and she's here to-night."
+
+Maisie assumed a serious air.
+
+"This," she said, "is terrible. Does your life depend upon finding her?
+I mean ... it's worse than a needle in a bundle of hay, isn't it?"
+
+"Infinitely."
+
+"You can wash out the limousine, because you won't see it. And the
+voice, because you won't hear it. And her name, because she won't be
+labelled. There's really nothing left, is there?"
+
+Gloomily I assented.
+
+"I'm sorry," said Maisie. "I'd like to have helped." The music slowed up
+and died. "And now will you see me off?"
+
+We made our way towards the exit.
+
+I had found her footman and sent him to summon the car, and was standing
+within the main entrance, when a familiar figure began with difficulty
+to emerge from a car which had just arrived. Berry. Having succeeded in
+projecting himself on to the steps, he turned to hand his companion out
+of the car, as he did so presenting to the astonished doorkeepers a back
+of such startling dimensions that the one nearest to me recoiled, for
+all his seasoning.
+
+I was wondering who was the muffled Samaritan that had brought him
+along, when the chauffeur leaned forward as if to receive instructions
+when to return. The light of the near-side lamp showed me the genial
+features of that communicative fellow who had restored my grey hat some
+nine days before.
+
+Tall and slight, his mistress turned to the doorway, and I saw a
+well-shaped head, couped at the throat by the white of an ermine stole.
+Dark hair swept low over her forehead, an attractive smile sat on her
+pretty mouth, and there was a fine colour springing in her cheeks.
+
+She looked up to see me staring.
+
+For a moment a pair of grey eyes met mine steadily. Then--
+
+"Is the car here?" said Maisie over my shoulder. "Hullo, Berry."
+Suddenly she saw his companion. "Betty, my dear, I thought you were in
+Scotland."
+
+Under pretence of arranging her wrap, I breathed Into her ear--
+
+"Introduce me."
+
+She did so without a tremor.
+
+"And give him the next dance for me," she added. "I've just cut one of
+his, and he's been most forgiving."
+
+"Too late," said Berry. "I have not wasted the shining thirty minutes
+which I have just spent in Lady Elizabeth's luxurious car. She knows him
+for the craven that he is."
+
+"I must judge for myself," said my lady, turning to me with a smile.
+"He's given you a terrible----"
+
+The sentence was never finished, for Berry turned to look at somebody,
+and Maisie noticed his back for the first time. Her involuntary cry was
+succeeded by a peal of laughter which attracted the attention of every
+one within earshot, and in a moment my brother-in-law found himself the
+object of much interested amusement, which the majority of onlookers
+made no attempt to conceal.
+
+My lady fled to her cloakroom. Hastily I escorted Maisie, still helpless
+with laughter, to her car.
+
+I returned to find Berry entertaining a large audience of complete
+strangers in the vestibule with a fantastic account of his experiences
+at Stanhope Gate. Concealing myself behind a pillar, I awaited Lady
+Elizabeth's return.
+
+"Yes," said Berry. "Betrayed by my accomplices, I found myself, as it
+were, a shred of flotsam adrift in the darkling streets. Several people
+thought I was the Marble Arch, and left me on the left. Others, more
+discerning, conjured me to pull in to the kerb. Removing from my north
+instep the hoof which, upon examination, I found to be attached to a
+large mammal, I started to wade south-west and by south, hoping against
+hope and steering by the Milky Way. Happily I had my ration-card, and I
+derived great comfort from its pregnant directions, which I read from
+time to time by the smell of the red-hot lamp which I was bearing...."
+
+Here my lady appeared, and I led her into the corridor and on to the
+floor.
+
+As she had promised, she was wearing a silver frock. One white shoulder
+was left bare, and a heavy fringe, that swayed evenly with her every
+movement, made the sum line of her dress still more graceful. Silvery
+stockings covered her gleaming ankles, and she was shod with silver
+shoes.
+
+For a little we spoke of Berry, and she told me how he had boarded her
+car and respectfully begged her compassion. Then I spoke of the bitter
+wind which had blown us about so inconsiderately, before the fog had
+come to lay upon us stripes of another kind.
+
+"I lost my hat one day," I added casually.
+
+At that she jumped in my arms as if I had stabbed her, but I took no
+notice, and we danced on.
+
+Deliberately I recounted my loss and my pursuit, only omitting my
+encounter with her chauffeur.
+
+"I happen to know," I concluded, "that the lady of the limousine is here
+to-night. Before the ball is over I shall have danced with her."
+
+"But you've never seen her," she protested.
+
+"I know her voice."
+
+She laughed musically.
+
+"Aren't you a bit of an optimist?" she queried.
+
+"I don't think so. And she's just sweet."
+
+"But if you don't know her name, how can you hope----"
+
+"Her name," I said, "is Dot."
+
+The hand upon my shoulder shook slightly.
+
+We danced on.
+
+At length--
+
+"That's not very much to go on," said Elizabeth.
+
+I sighed.
+
+"Don't discourage me," I said. "When I find her, d'you think she'll give
+me the seven dances she said she would?"
+
+"O-o-oh, I never...." She choked and began to cough violently, so that I
+drew her out of the press and into a vacant corner. "I never heard of
+such a thing," she continued ingeniously.
+
+"You wicked girl," said I. "Why was Clapham Common?"
+
+For a moment she looked at me speechless. Then she began to laugh
+tremulously....
+
+With a crash the jazz came to an end. Almost immediately another
+orchestra took up the running, and the strains of a valse rose up,
+plaintive and tempting.
+
+I looked at my lady.
+
+"Have I earned my dances, Dot?"
+
+She hesitated. Then--
+
+"Carry on, Carry One," she said.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER IV
+
+HOW NOBBY CAME TO SLEEP UPON MY BED, AND BERRY FELL AMONG THIEVES.
+
+
+Thoughtfully I read the letter again.
+
+_... It nearly breaks my heart to say so, but I've got to part with
+Nobby. I'm going to India to join Richard, you know, and I'm sailing
+next week. I think you'd get on together. He's a one-man dog and a bit
+queer-tempered with strangers--all Sealyhams are. But he's a good little
+chap--very sporting, very healthy, and a real beauty. Let me know one
+way or the other, and, if you'd like to have him, I'll send him round
+with his licence and pedigree._
+
+_Yours very sincerely,_
+
+_JOSEPHINE CHILDE._
+
+_P.S.--He's always slept on my bed._
+
+The letter had been forwarded to me from London, for I was spending the
+week-end in Leicestershire with the Scarlets.
+
+I looked across the flagged hall to my host, who was leaning against a
+table with a hunting horn in each hand, listening critically to the
+noise he was making, and endeavouring to decide upon which of the two
+instruments he could wind the most inspiring call.
+
+"Live and let live," said I. With a grin Bertram suspended his
+operations. "Listen. I've been offered a Sealyham."
+
+"Take him," was the reply. "Your guests will regret it, but you won't.
+They're high-spirited and they're always full of beans. Hard as nails,
+too," he added. "You'll never kill him. Tell me." He brandished the horn
+which he held in his right hand. "Don't you think this sounds the best?"
+With an effort he produced a most distressing sound. "Or this?" Putting
+the other to his lips, he emitted a precisely similar note.
+
+"There's no difference at all," said I, crossing to a bureau. "They're
+equally painful. They do it rather better at level-crossings on the
+Continent."
+
+"It is patent," said Bertram, "that you have no ear for music."
+
+"All right," said I, making ready to write. "You try it. The hounds'll
+all sit up and beg or something. I suppose it's too much to expect to
+find a pen that'll write here," I added, regarding uneasily the enormous
+quill with which the bureau was decorated.
+
+"That's a jolly good pen," said Bertram indignantly. "Every one says
+so."
+
+I grunted my disbelief.
+
+"Which end shall I use?"
+
+"I recommend the right one," rejoined my host with ponderous sarcasm.
+"But, as I have yet to meet any one who can read your writing, I don't
+suppose it matters."
+
+"I have often deplored the company you keep," said I, and with that I
+selected a large sheet of paper and wrote as follows--
+
+_DEAR MISS CHILDE,_
+
+_I'd like to have Nobby very much. I'm awfully sorry for you, but I'll
+be very kind to him for both your sakes. The reference you give him is
+most satisfactory. I suppose he'll want one evening a week and every
+other Sunday. And will he do in the front steps and spoil the knives? Or
+only ruin the boots? I beg your pardon. For the moment I was thinking of
+the cook who nearly engaged us. Only she wanted a pension after six
+months' service. It was very nice of you to think of me. I'll write you
+a proper letter when I send you a receipt. I return to Town to-morrow._
+
+_Yours very sincerely,_
+
+....
+
+_P.S.--He shall always sleep on mine._
+
+As I was addressing the envelope, the butler entered the hall. I gave
+him the letter, and he promised to see that it was dispatched that day.
+A knowledge of Bertram's household suggested this precaution.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+As I had told Miss Childe, on the following day I returned to Town. It
+was the last Monday but one before Christmas, and Jonah's birthday. To
+do the latter honour, we were to dine all together at Claridge's and go
+on to an entertainment, presented in a house in which smoking was
+permitted, and of such a nature that you gained rather than lost by
+arriving late.
+
+I reached home with sufficient time only to bathe and dress, and it was
+not until we were half-way through dinner that I learned that my letter
+to Miss Childe had borne immediate fruit.
+
+"By the way," said Daphne suddenly; "did the servants give you that
+message from Josephine Childe?" I shook my head. "It was down on the
+telephone block, but I suppose you were too hurried to look at that.
+'Miss Childe's compliments, and Nobby will be round this evening.'"
+Hardly I suppressed an exclamation. "We're all mad to know what it
+means. Berry scents an intrigue and says it's a cipher."
+
+"Worse," said I. "It's a dog."
+
+"A dog?" cried Daphne and Jill together.
+
+"A dog. You know. A small quadruped. Something like a cat, only with
+hair."
+
+"I know," said Berry excitedly. "I know. I've seen pictures of them."
+
+"Fools. Both of you," said my sister. "What's she giving you a dog for?"
+
+I explained the nature of the transaction.
+
+"I have every reason to believe," I concluded, "that he will become one
+of us."
+
+The others exchanged meaning looks.
+
+"Is he any particular breed?" said Berry. "Or just a pot-pourri?"
+
+I braced myself with a draught of champagne before replying. Then--
+
+"He's a Sealyham," I said.
+
+Uprose a damnatory chorus.
+
+"I do hereby protest," said Berry. "A barbarous breed, notorious for its
+unprovoked ferocity. Peaceable possession of our tenement will be
+unknown. Ingress and egress will be denied us. Substantial compensation
+will be an everyday affair. Any more for the Pasteur Institute?"
+
+"Rot," said I. "You're jealous."
+
+"They've awfully uncertain tempers," said Daphne. "Maisie Dukedom had
+one, and it went down and bit a new cook, who'd just come, before she'd
+got her things off. They had to give her five pounds, put her up at an
+hotel for the night, and pay her fare back to Bristol. And she had
+wonderful references."
+
+"Instinct," said I. "The dog saw through her. They ought to have been
+grateful."
+
+"Truth is," said Jonah, "they're a bit too sporting for London."
+
+"Look here," said I, consulting my watch. "At the present moment the
+poor little dog is probably fretting his soul out in the servants' hall.
+So we'll have to keep him to-night. If he's the ravening beast you say
+he is, he shall be fired to-morrow. If not, I shall stick to him. That's
+fair enough, isn't it?"
+
+"He's going to be a darling," said Jill. "I'm sure of it."
+
+Before we left for the theatre, I telephoned home and spoke to the
+butler.
+
+"Is that you, Falcon?"
+
+"It is, sir."
+
+"Any dogs come for me?"
+
+"Only one, sir."
+
+"Is he all right?"
+
+"Seems a little unsettled, sir, and--er--suspicious. He was rather short
+with Fitch sir, when he come in, but he had his leggin's on, sir, so
+there's no 'arm done. He's all right with me, sir."
+
+I thought of the Dukedoms' cook and moistened my lips.
+
+"See that he has a run on the lead before you go to bed," I said as
+nonchalantly as possible, "and then put him upstairs on my bed."
+
+"Very good, sir."
+
+I returned to the lounge.
+
+"Has the little bit of Heaven arrived?" said Berry
+
+I nodded.
+
+"Casualties?"
+
+"Nil," said I. "Everything in the garden is lovely."
+
+"No doubt," said Berry. "And the servants' hall? I suppose that's a
+shambles."
+
+"Don't be silly," said I. "He's as good as gold."
+
+"There you are," said Jill staunchly.
+
+"Cupboard love," said Berry. "You wait till we come in. I shouldn't be
+surprised if he concentrated on me. They always aim high. It will be
+your duty," he added, turning to Daphne, "to suck the wound. That is a
+wife's privilege."
+
+"The best thing," said Jonah, "is to hold a cigarette-end to the place."
+
+"I beg your pardon," said Berry.
+
+"Well, an iron takes such a time to heat."
+
+In a voice shaken with emotion my brother-in-law stated that he should
+regard any such treatment as a treacherous and aggravated assault upon
+his person.
+
+"Don't let there be any mistake about it," he concluded. "I'm not going
+to have any amateur life-savers burning holes in my body in the hope of
+being recommended by the Coroner's Jury. If I've got to die, I'll just
+go mad in the ordinary way, thank you. I wonder who I shall bite first,"
+he added pleasantly.
+
+"Don't you worry," said I. "Think what hydrophobia means."
+
+"What does it mean?"--suspiciously.
+
+"A horror of water," said I. "You must have had it for years."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+We left the theatre about eleven o'clock.
+
+We had just come in, and I was disrobing in the hall--Berry was speaking
+to the chauffeur--when an exclamation from Jill, who was on the point of
+following Daphne and Jonah into the library, made me look round.
+
+On the top step of the first flight of stairs stood a little white dog,
+regarding us squarely. He might have been painted by Maud Earl. His ears
+were pricked, his little forefeet placed close together, his tail was
+upright. A gas officer would have said that he was "in the alert
+position."
+
+"Hello, Nobby," said I. "How goes it?"
+
+At the sound of his name the terrier put his small head on one side with
+an air of curiosity as evident as it was attractive.
+
+"What a darling!" cried Jill.
+
+As she spoke I heard a latch-key inserted, and the next moment Berry
+pushed open the door.
+
+Breathing out threatenings, the darling streaked down the stairs and
+across the hall to the new-comer's feet, where he stood with his back
+arched, one fore-paw raised, and bared teeth, emitting a long low snarl,
+while there was a look in the bright brown eyes which there was no
+mistaking.
+
+My brother-in-law stood as if rooted to the spot.
+
+Jill began to shake with laughter.
+
+"What did I say?" said Berry, remaining motionless. "Can't enter my own
+house now. It's all right, old chap," he added, gazing at Nobby with a
+winning smile. "I belong here."
+
+His statement was not accepted. Nobby, who was clearly taking no risks,
+replied with a growl charged with such malevolence that I thought it
+advisable to interfere.
+
+I addressed myself to the terrier.
+
+"Good man," I said reassuringly, patting Berry upon the shoulder.
+
+Jonah contends that the dog construed my movement as an attempted
+assault, which it was his duty to abet. In any event, in less time than
+it takes to record, the growl culminated in that vicious flurry which
+invariably accompanies the closing of jaws, there was a noise of torn
+cloth, and with a yell Berry leapt for and reached the bookcase to which
+he adhered, clinging rather than perched, after the manner of a startled
+ape.
+
+A roar of laughter from me and long, tremulous wails of merriment from
+Jill brought my sister and Jonah pellmell upon a never-to-be-forgotten
+scene.
+
+The four of us huddled together, helpless with mirth, while Berry,
+calling upon Sirius, clung desperately to the bookcase, and Nobby,
+clearly interpreting our merriment as applause, stood immediately below
+his victim, panting a little with excitement and wagging his tail
+tentatively.
+
+"After all," said my brother-in-law, "what is Death? A b-b-bagatelle.
+Excelsior. Of course, I ought to have a banner, really. Just to wave as
+I fall. Two and a half guineas these trousers cost. Think of the dogs
+you could get for that. Excelsior. Seriously, I should get him a set of
+false teeth and keep them locked up. It'll save in the end. Yes, I know
+it's side-splitting. I'm only sorry I haven't got a tail. Then I could
+hang from the electric light. As it is, what about calling off the dog?
+Not that I'm not comfortable. And the air up here's lovely. But----"
+
+With an effort I pulled myself together and laid a hand on Jill's
+shoulder.
+
+"Here," I said, nodding in Berry's direction, "here we have the
+Flat-footed Baboon, an animal of diverting but vulgar habits. That
+between its eyes is its nose. The only other known specimen is at
+Dartmoor."
+
+"D'you mind not talking?" said Berry. "I'm just thinking out your death.
+They say pressing is very painful. Or would you rather call off the
+mammal?"
+
+I picked up Nobby and put him under my arm.
+
+"You know, you're a wicked dog," said I.
+
+For a moment his bright brown eyes met mine. Then with a sudden movement
+he put up a cold black nose and licked my face....
+
+Before we retired that night, Berry had admitted that Nobby had his
+points, Nobby had accepted from Berry a caviare sandwich, and I had
+handed my brother-in-law a cheque for two pounds twelve shillings and
+sixpence.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+It had been arranged that we should spend Christmas with the St. Martins
+in Wiltshire, and we were to make the journey on the twenty-third. High
+festival was to be held at Red Abbey, a fine old place with mullioned
+windows and a great panelled hall that smacked of revelry and Christmas
+cheer even in summertime. On Christmas Eve there was to be a dance, on
+Boxing Day a tenants' ball, and on Christmas Day itself the house-party
+of twenty souls was to assemble for dinner correctly attired after the
+manner of children of tender years.
+
+So far as clothes could do it, the spirit of childhood was to be
+recaptured that night. Guests had been put upon their honour to eschew
+evasion. Kilts and sailor suits had been forbidden, as was any suit or
+frock which was not the monopoly of juveniles. Hair was to be worn down,
+monocles and jewellery were banned. The trappings of Dignity were to be
+rigidly put off, and Innocence courted with appropriate mockery. The
+composition of the house-party, which had been carefully chosen,
+promised an entertainment of more than ordinary interest.
+
+On all three evenings dance music was to be discoursed by a famous
+coloured band, whose services had long ago been retained for the
+occasion.
+
+A long-standing engagement made it impossible for Berry to accompany us
+from London. On Tuesday he must leave Town for Hampshire, but
+time-tables were consulted, and it was discovered that he could travel
+across country on Christmas Eve, and, by changing from one station to
+the other at the market town of Flail, arrive at Red Abbey in time for
+tea.
+
+"We can take your luggage with us," said Daphne. "You've got all you'll
+want for the night at White Ladies."
+
+It was half-past nine o'clock, and we were all in the library, resting
+after the labours of the day.
+
+Berry from the depths of the sofa grunted an assent.
+
+"All the same," he added, "I must take something. Beard-eraser, for
+instance, and a clean neckerchief. Same as when you enlist."
+
+"Everything you can possibly want's there already. Mrs. Foreland knows
+you're coming, and she'll put everything out."
+
+"I have a weakness," replied her husband, "for my own sponge. Moreover,
+foolhardy as it may seem, I still clean my teeth. The only question is,
+what to put them in."
+
+"What's the matter with your pockets?" said I.
+
+"Nothing at present," said Berry. "That's why I shall want your
+dispatch-case."
+
+"Nothing doing," said I. "I refuse to subscribe to my own
+inconvenience."
+
+"Self," said Berry bitterly. "Why wasn't I born selfish? I've often
+tried, but you can't bend an oak, can you? Anybody can have my shirt at
+any time." Languidly he regarded his cuff. "No. Not this one, but almost
+any other. My life has been one long unrecognized sacrifice. And what is
+my reward?" He looked round about him with pitying eyes. "Poor bloated
+worms, you little know the angel that labours in your midst." His own
+being finished, with a sigh he took his wife's newly-lighted cigarette
+from the ashtray which they were sharing. "I had a dream last night," he
+added comfortably.
+
+"What about?" said Jill.
+
+"I dreamed," said Berry, "that I was a pint of of unusually broad beans.
+Several people remarked upon my breadth. After spirited bidding, I was
+secured by no less a personage than The McAroon himself, to whom I gave
+violent indigestion within twenty-four hours. Pleased with this
+attention, the laird erected in my memory a small bar at which the
+rankest poison could be obtained at all hours by asking in Hebrew for
+ginger ale. Which reminds me. I haven't taken my medicine." Meaningly he
+regarded the tray which had just been placed upon a side-table. "The
+doctor said I mustn't move about after meals, or I'd mix it myself. As
+it is...."
+
+He broke off and looked round expectantly.
+
+"Idle brute," said Daphne. "I wonder you aren't afraid to----Where's my
+cigarette? I only lighted one a moment ago."
+
+"Perhaps it's behind your ear," suggested her husband. "Perhaps----"
+
+"Where's the match you lighted that one from?" demanded his wife.
+
+"Woman," said Berry indignantly, "you forget yourself. Besides, I didn't
+use a match. I kindled it by rubbing two sticks together. Same as they
+do in Guano, where the jelly comes from."
+
+Here a diversion was caused by the opening of the door sufficiently to
+admit a slightly damp white ball with a black spot, which projected
+itself into the room as if possessed. Nobby. Exhilarated to frenzy by
+the reflection that at least four days must elapse before any one could
+be bothered to bathe him again, the terrier took a flying leap on to the
+sofa, licked Daphne's face, put a foot in Berry's eye, barked, hurled
+himself across the room to where Jonah was playing Patience, upset the
+card-table, dashed three times round the room, pretended to unearth a
+rat from the depths of Jill's chair, and finally flung himself exhausted
+at my feet.
+
+"I suppose this is what they call 'animal spirits,'" said Berry. "Or
+'muscular Christianity.'"
+
+"It is well known," said I, "that exercise after a bath is most
+beneficial."
+
+"No doubt," was the icy reply. "Well, next time I put my foot in your
+eye, assume that I've had a bath and call it 'exercise,' will you?"
+
+"Have you written to the St. Martins?" said Daphne, "to say that you'll
+be a day late?"
+
+"I have. The masterpiece is on the writing-table, awaiting insertion in
+an envelope."
+
+I picked up the letter and read aloud as follows--
+
+_MADAM,_
+
+_I am disposed to refer to your invitation to make one of the
+house-party due to assemble on the 23rd instant._
+
+_I am to say that a malignant Fate has decreed that I shall not dignify
+your hovel before the evening of the following day._
+
+_The feeling of profound disappointment which this announcement will
+provoke should be tempered by the reflection that you are fortunate
+indeed to have secured so enchanting a personality for your festivities,
+which, however hopeless they may appear, cannot fail to be galvanized
+into some show of life by my inspiring presence._
+
+_My luggage and the four ungrateful parasites who have so long battened
+upon my generosity will arrive on the 23rd, as arranged. One of the
+latter has stealthily acquired a mongrel, which, provided he can obtain
+the necessary permit, he proposes to bring with him. My protests against
+this abuse of hospitality have been received with that vulgar insolence
+which I have, alas, learned to expect._
+
+_I am to request you to remember that I am visiting you incognito, as
+the Duke of Blackpool, and that at this season it is my practice to
+consume a mince-pie and a bottle of beer before retiring._
+
+_I am, Madam,_
+
+_Your obedient Servant,_
+
+_BERRY PLEYDELL._
+
+"Outrageous," said Daphne, "perfectly outrageous. However, there's no
+time to write another, so it had better go. Boy, be a dear and answer
+that invitation for me."
+
+"This lecture thing?" said I, holding up a gilt-edged card.
+
+My sister nodded.
+
+"We'll have to go, I suppose."
+
+In a flowing hand I wrote as follows--
+
+_Major and Mrs. Pleydell have much pleasure in accepting the Countess of
+Loganberry's kind invitation to attend Professor La Trobe's lecture on
+the 3rd of January._
+
+When I had read this aloud--
+
+"What an interesting subject!" said Berry. "We shall enjoy ourselves."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Three days later I was in the act of fitting a new blade to my
+safety-razor, when Berry entered the room fully dressed.
+
+"I'm just off," he said, "but you may as well see what you've done
+before I go."
+
+"What d'you mean?" said I.
+
+"Read that."
+
+He handed me a letter. I laid down my instrument of torture and read as
+follows--
+
+_SIR,_
+
+_I am directed by the Countess of Loganberry to acknowledge your
+communication of the 20th inst., and to say that she cannot recollect
+the inclusion of your name among those of the guests invited to assemble
+at Pride Langley the day after to-morrow._
+
+_In these circumstances I am to express the hope that you will not
+trouble to favour her with your attendance upon the 24th inst. or any
+other date, and that you will take immediate steps to prevent the
+dispatch of your luggage and of the four parasites, for which, should
+they arrive, she can accept no responsibility._
+
+_I am to add that the Countess is not interested in the acquisition of
+the animal to which you refer, or in the nature of the victuals with
+which it is your habit to console yourself of nights._
+
+_I am, sir,_
+
+_Your obedient servant,_
+
+_FREDERICK BOLETON._
+
+I stroked my chin thoughtfully. Then--
+
+"I don't want to say anything rash," said I, "but it looks as if a
+mistake had been made."
+
+"But what a brain!" observed my brother-in-law. "What insight!" He
+glanced at his watch. "And it's not half-past nine yet."
+
+"It is wonderful, isn't it? Now, all we want is a line from Diana St.
+Martin to say how glad she is you're going to the lecture on January the
+3rd. Do you agree, brother?"
+
+"I am not here," said Berry loftily, "to discuss your crime. Have you
+anything to say why the Court should not give you judgment?"
+
+"Yes. First, this communication must be answered forthwith. Secondly,
+Mr. Boleton is clearly a menace to Society. It is therefore our painful
+duty, brother, to proceed with the operation, inadvertently begun, of
+pulling his leg until he will require a pair of field glasses to see his
+own foot."
+
+With a grin Berry clapped me on the back.
+
+"I leave it to you, partner. Make the telegram windy. Wind always
+inspires wind." He took the letter out of my hand and slipped it into
+his pocket. "You won't want this document. And now I must be going. See
+you to-morrow, laddie."
+
+The next moment he was gone.
+
+Within the hour the following telegram was on its way to Pride Langley--
+
+_Your letter not understood aaa cannot consent to cancel my arrangements
+at this hour aaa expect me tomorrow as arranged aaa four tons of luggage
+entrained last night aaa loose-boxes containing parasites due to arrive
+at 5.15 to-day aaa imperative these should be watered and fed within one
+hour of arrival aaa acknowledge._
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Although the train had yet to make its appearance, the platform was
+crowded. Somewhere at the far end Jonah was waiting to see that our
+heavy baggage was placed in the van, while Daphne, Jill and I were
+standing beside such articles as we were proposing to take in the
+carriage, hoping feverishly that, when the train pulled in, we should
+find ourselves opposite to a first-class coach.
+
+"Thath a nithe dog," said an unpleasant voice on my left.
+
+I turned to see a very dark gentleman, clad in a light tweed overcoat
+and cloth-topped boots, with a soft grey hat on the back of his head,
+smoking an insanitary cigar and smiling unctuously upon Nobby, who was
+tucked under my arm.
+
+"Yes," I said.
+
+"A Thealyham, ain't he?"
+
+"I believe so."
+
+Undeterred by my evident reluctance to converse, the fellow bowed his
+head as if to examine the dog, at the same time expelling a cloud of
+disgusting smoke.
+
+In the twinkling of an eye the terrier had sneezed, wriggled from under
+my arm, and slipped to the ground.
+
+I was just in time to see him scuttle in the direction of a crate of
+live turkeys which he had vainly struggled to approach when we passed
+them a few minutes earlier.
+
+Suppressing a violent desire to choke his assailant, I thrust the rug I
+was carrying into Jill's arms, and started to elbow my way towards the
+turkeys.
+
+A sudden stutter of barks, a fearful burst of gobbling, and a chorus of
+indignant cries suggested that the sooner I arrived to take charge, the
+better for all concerned.
+
+As I pushed forward, the press swayed expectantly towards the edge of
+the platform, and I glanced round to see the train pulling in.
+
+Thereafter my passage to the scene of the uproar was Homeric. Every step
+was contested, not actively, but with that jealous determination not to
+yield which distinguishes the prospective traveller who has bought an
+expensive ticket and, by no means certain that the supply of seats will
+be equal to the demand, interprets every movement as an attempt to
+secure an unfair advantage. I eventually arrived to find in progress a
+game which I prefer not to describe. Suffice it that, though Nobby was
+leading, two inspectors and a clergyman with an umbrella were running
+him pretty close, while the turkeys were simply nowhere.
+
+With a well-timed dive I secured the terrier just as he evaded a left
+hook from the Church, and, disregarding the loud tones in which several
+intending passengers announced their conception of the qualifications of
+a dog-owner, fought my way back to where I had left the girls. The fact
+that the latter had managed to reserve and hold four seats did them, to
+my mind, infinite credit.
+
+It was not until we were gliding out of the station that I looked round
+for my dispatch-case.
+
+I did so in vain.
+
+An investigation of the spaces between the seats and the floor proved
+equally fruitless.
+
+I sank back in my seat with a groan.
+
+"Where did you see it last?" said Daphne.
+
+"I'm hanged if I know, but of course it was with the other things. I put
+it in the hall last night, and Falcon knows I always take it wherever I
+go."
+
+"I'll swear nothing was left on the platform," said Jill.
+
+"Nor in the car," said Jonah. "I looked there myself."
+
+"I've not the slightest doubt it's been pinched," said I. "It's just the
+sort of thing that'd take a thief's fancy. By Jove!" I cried suddenly.
+"What about the swab in the light coat? I'll bet any money he took it."
+
+"What swab?" said Jonah.
+
+"Oh, a complete mobsman. Came and jawed about Nobby and then gassed him
+with his cigar till he did a bunk. That put me out of the way. With the
+girls trying to get a carriage, the rest was easy. Gad I Why doesn't one
+think of these things? It's locked, and there's nothing terribly
+valuable in it, but I do hate being stung."
+
+"First stop Flail," said Jonah, looking at his watch. "You've got the
+best part of two hours to think it over. I should write out a synopsis
+of the crime in duplicate, with a description of the missing
+property----"
+
+"And a plan of the station, I suppose, showing the all-red route I took
+to the crate of turkeys, with a signed photograph of Nobby. I've only
+got to attach my birth certificate, and there you are."
+
+"Gentleman seems annoyed," said Jonah, unfolding the _Pall Mall_.
+
+Jill laid a hand on my arm, and I laughed in spite of myself.
+
+"He'll be fed to the teeth when he gets it open," I said. "I admit the
+cigars are not what he's accustomed to, but I'd like to meet the fence
+that'll take a nainsook pinafore and a couple of bibs."
+
+This comfortable reflection in some sort consoled me. All the same, when
+we steamed into Flail I sent for the station-master and handed that
+gentleman two short descriptions--one of the dispatch-case, and the
+other of the thief. He promised readily to keep a look-out and inform
+the police.
+
+"An' I'll telephone down the line, sir. You never know. He might be on
+the train, or even 'ave got out 'ere." I made as if to leave the
+compartment. "Ah, he'd be gone by now, an' you're just off. But I'll do
+what I can. Your address, Red Abbey. Very good, sir."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Diana St. Martin was at the station to meet us, in a fever of excitement
+and good-will. Her obvious disappointment at Berry's absence was allayed
+by our assurance that he would appear the next day.
+
+"Of course," she announced, "I was thrilled to learn that you were going
+to the Loganberrys' lecture, but I couldn't help feeling that there was
+some news, more relevant to your visit, which I ought to know. Hullo! Is
+he going to honour us?" she added, pointing to Nobby, who, with tail
+erect and eyes looking sideways, was considering whether or no to accept
+the advances of an Irish terrier in the spirit in which they were
+patently offered. "What a darling!"
+
+"If you please," said I.
+
+"Splendid. And now come along. We can all get In the limousine, and
+there's a van for your luggage."
+
+During the drive from the station I told her the style of the letter she
+should have received, and disclosed the grave construction placed upon
+it by the actual recipient. When I told her that Mr. Boleton and I were
+now in telegraphic communication, she gave a little crow of delight.
+
+"How priceless!" she cried. "Perhaps there'll be a wire when we get
+back."
+
+She was wrong. But only by a few minutes. Before we had been at Red
+Abbey for a quarter of an hour, a telegram was handed to me. Falcon had
+forwarded it from London.
+
+_Forced to regard your conduct as molestful delivery of your luggage
+will not be accepted parasites will remain boxed and receive necessary
+attention at your expense and risk pending instructions regarding their
+removal which should be communicated to station-master direct any
+attempt on your part to enter Pride Langley to-morrow will be forcibly
+resisted._
+
+At once I arranged for the dispatch of the following reply--
+
+_At great inconvenience have arranged to postpone arrival of luggage and
+parasites until to-morrow aaa impossible however to stop elephants seven
+of which should reach you by road before midnight and remainder by 2
+a.m. aaa as already slated am unable at this juncture to cancel my visit
+but shall certainly never stay at Pride Langley again aaa if "molestful"
+means what I think it does I shall point you out to the large parasite._
+
+We spent a hilarious evening.
+
+The Irish terrier showed Nobby that hospitality for which the Isle is
+famous. He made him free of the house and grounds, showed him the way to
+the kitchen, and indicated by occupation the most comfortable chairs.
+Nobby returned the compliment by initiating his host into the mysteries
+of a game which consisted of making a circuit of the great hall,
+ascending the main staircase, entering and erupting from any bedroom of
+which the door stood open, and descending the staircase--all of this
+recurring--with the least possible delay. The Irish terrier proved an
+apt pupil, and, so far as can be judged, if Diana's maid had not
+encountered them in the midst of their seventh descent, and been upset,
+and of vexation nipped by an angry competitor for her pains, the game
+might have gone on for weeks. This incident, however, followed by the
+production of a hunting whip, brought the game to a close and the host
+to his senses. Hastily he repaired a grave omission, and a moment later
+Nobby was cowering in comparative, if inconvenient, safety beneath an
+enormous tallboy chest.
+
+After dinner cards were brought forth and _vingt et un_ was played. In a
+weak moment I volunteered to "carry" Jill, who played with an _abandon_
+which was at once exhilarating and extremely expensive. Her persistent
+refusal to "stand" on anything less than twenty-one commanded an
+admiration which, but for my presence, would have been universal. The
+only run of luck with which her audacity was favoured coincided with my
+tenure of the bank, during which period she took fifty-two shillings off
+me in seven minutes.
+
+As I pushed her counters across--
+
+"I've heard of robbing Peter to pay Paul," I said gloomily, "but never
+of robbing Charlie to pay Chaplin. Why couldn't you do this when some
+one else had the bank?"
+
+"You shouldn't deal me such cards," was the ungrateful reply.
+
+A moment later she turned up a "natural" with a dazzling smile.
+
+There was a roar of laughter.
+
+"Of course, this is Berry's luck," said I. "And it needs Berry's tongue
+to cope with it. A little more, and I shall ship for Australia before
+the mast. Yes, I'll have a brandy-and-soda, please. Of appropriate
+strength."
+
+"In inverse proportion to your luck?" said my host.
+
+I shook my head.
+
+"That would require Berry's liver. Besides, tomorrow morning I'm going
+to help your wife to decorate the church. I admit I was a fool to
+promise, but it's done now, and----"
+
+The chocolate which Diana threw at me ricochetted from my cheekbone on
+to the hearth, and was devoured by Nobby in the very teeth of his host.
+
+I looked at my watch with a sigh. "I suppose I ought to have told you
+that chocolates fall without the limit of his digestive powers. The last
+one took about four hours. And it's eleven now. I am glad I came."
+
+My statement was received with ironical cheers....
+
+It may or may not have been the chocolate, but in the small hours of the
+following morning it became expedient that I should admit Nobby into the
+open air. And so it came about that I stood patient and shivering, in a
+fur coat and pyjamas, at a garden door, while a small white rough-haired
+thing heaved upon the lawn twelve decent yards away.
+
+The sailing moon, clear-cut, issued her cold white light and showed the
+sleeping country silent but troubled A pride of clouds rode high in
+heaven, and the same strong careless wind that bore them swept from the
+leafless boughs of earth below a boisterous melody, that rose and fell
+in league-long phrases, far as the ear could follow. Nature was in a
+royal mood. Her Cap of Maintenance was out, Pomp was abroad, the trump
+of Circumstance was sounding. A frown of dignity knitted her gentle
+brow, and meadows, roads, thickets and all her Court wore a staid look
+to do her honour. Only her favourite, water, dared to smile, and the
+flashing lake flung back the moonlight with long ripples of silvery
+laughter.
+
+Somewhere close at hand an owl cried, and Nobby answered the challenge
+with a menacing bark. I whistled, and he came running, the very
+embodiment of health and spirits. Marvelling at a dog's recuperative
+powers, I reopened the door. As I did so, I heard the stable clock
+striking. Three o'clock.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Twelve hours later a servant entered the library to arouse me from a
+refreshing sleep with the news that some one desired to speak with me
+upon the telephone. Heavily I made my way to the lobby and put the
+receiver to my ear, but the first sentence I heard drove the lingering
+rearguard of Slumber headlong from my system.
+
+It was an Inspector of Police, speaking from Flail.
+
+"I think we've got your case, sir. Pigskin, seventeen inches by ten, an'
+a blue line runnin' acrost it?"
+
+"That's right," I said excitedly.
+
+"An' it's still locked. No initials. But we'd like your formal
+identification. Besides.... I don't know whether you could manage this
+afternoon, sir, but if you could.... You see, it's a matter of a charge.
+We're detainin' a man in connection with the thef'."
+
+"Oh, I don't want to proceed. So long as I get the case back...."
+
+"'Fraid we can't 'ardly do that, sir."
+
+I groaned. Then--
+
+"How far is Red Abbey from Flail?"
+
+"Matter o' twelve mile, sir. Wouldn't take you no time in a car."
+
+"I'll see what I can do. Good-bye."
+
+Both cars were needed to meet incoming guests, but a Miss Doiran, who
+had arrived that morning in her own two-seater, offered to drive me to
+Flail and back before tea.
+
+A quarter of an hour later we were on the road.
+
+She listened attentively to the story of my loss. When I had finished--
+
+"You'd little enough to go on, I must say. I'd never have dared to say
+that man had stolen it."
+
+"It was a bow at a venture," I admitted. "But it seems to have come off.
+All the same, I don't want to charge the chap. He deserves six months,
+if only for his cigar, but I'd rather somebody else sent him down."
+
+"I expect they'll make you. After all, it was a pretty smart capture,
+and the police'll be fed to the teeth if you don't go through with it."
+
+"Considering it was stolen in London, I didn't see any sense in telling
+the police at Flail, but the station-master apparently knew his job."
+
+With a temporarily disengaged hand Miss Doiran caressed Nobby, who was
+seated between us.
+
+"I've always wanted a Sealyham," she sighed.
+
+"You could have had one for nothing at three o'clock this morning."
+
+"Did he have you up?"
+
+I nodded.
+
+"And down and out." I sighed. "It was a handsome night. Very cold,
+though. I thought of you all warm in bed."
+
+"What a wicked story! You never knew of my existence."
+
+"I thought of everybody. That embraced you. It's extraordinary how
+little women can wear without dying of exposure, isn't it?"
+
+Miss Doiran glanced at her sleeve.
+
+"This coat is lined with chamois leather," she said. "I don't know what
+more you want."
+
+"Yes. But your stockings aren't. When you stepped into the car I was
+quite frightened for you."
+
+My companion's chin rose, and she stared through the wind-screen with
+compressed lips.
+
+"I'm as warm as toast," she said defiantly.
+
+"If you're no warmer than the toast I had for breakfast this
+morning----"
+
+"You should get up earlier."
+
+"I thought I told you I was up and about at three."
+
+"That doesn't count."
+
+"Doesn't it? All right. You get up at three tomorrow and think of me all
+warm in bed, and see whether it counts. By the way, don't say you wear
+pyjamas, because I can't bear it."
+
+Miss Doiran addressed our companion.
+
+"Is he often like this, Nobby?"
+
+I explained.
+
+"It's not idle curiosity. You see, I'm editing a directory to be called
+_That's That_. It's really a short list of the few nice people left who
+aren't anybody: with just a word or two about their manners, failings,
+virtues, if any, and the attire they usually affect when off duty. It
+won't say when they were born, but why they were born."
+
+"That'll sell it," said Miss Doiran.
+
+"So you see. May I know now, or must I wait outside the bathroom?"
+
+"I'm afraid," said Miss Doiran, "that you must wait outside the
+bathroom."
+
+I sighed.
+
+"If it is pyjamas," said I, "I shall scream."
+
+Some geese hissed as we swept by. The noise was inaudible, but the
+hostility of their gesture was patent. Its effect upon Nobby was
+electrical. Exasperated to madness by the gratuitous insult, he made the
+most violent attempts to leave the car, only pausing the better to lift
+up his voice and rave at his, by this time distant, tormentors. His
+dignity was outraged and, what was much worse, unavenged.
+
+"D'you still want him?" I shouted, holding fast to his collar with one
+hand, while with the other I strove to muffle his cries with the rug.
+
+"Every time."
+
+I swallowed before replying.
+
+"Of course, this is exceptional," I said weakly. "He can be very good if
+he likes."
+
+Miss Doiran laughed.
+
+"I believe you just dote on him."
+
+I lugged the white scrap out of the welter of rug and set him up on my
+knees. Surprised, he stopped barking and looked me full in the eyes.
+Then he thrust a cold nose into my face. Almost roughly I put him away.
+
+"I believe you're right," I said.
+
+Ten minutes later we drove up to Flail Police Station.
+
+I thrust Nobby under my arm and stepped out of the car. Then I turned to
+the girl.
+
+"I'll be as quick as I can," I said.
+
+"Right oh!"
+
+Sure enough it was my dispatch-case. In some embarrassment I described
+the ridiculous contents. Then I produced the key and confirmed my own
+words.
+
+"I must say," I said, "you haven't wasted much time. How did you recover
+it?"
+
+The inspector in charge looked grave.
+
+"'E's a nice little lot, what took this case, sir. I shouldn't wonder if
+there was 'alf a dozen warrants out for 'im. As plausible a rogue as
+ever I see, an' as full o' swank as a negg is o' meat. Told us the tale
+proper, 'e did. One o' the kind as gets through by sheer nerve. Now,
+nine out o' ten'd 'ave bin through this 'ere case last night and throwed
+it away. But 'e's not that sort. Walks through the town this afternoon
+with it under 'is arm, as bold as brass." A 'plain-clothes' man entered
+and stood waiting. "All ready? Right." He turned again to me. "An' now,
+sir, we'll be obliged if you'll step into the yard and see if you see
+anybody you recognize. I'd like the identification to be regular."
+
+Perceiving my chance of doing the thief a good turn, I assented readily.
+It was my fixed intention to recognize no one.
+
+I followed the policeman into a high-walled yard.
+
+Variously attired, six men were drawn up in line.
+
+"Do you see anybody you know?" repeated the inspector.
+
+I did. _Standing third from the left, with a seraphic look on his face,
+was Berry._
+
+For a moment I stood spellbound. Then I began to laugh uncontrollably.
+
+"Go on, you fool," said Berry. "Indicate the felon. I admit it's one up
+to you, but I'll get my own back. You wait. Why, there's Kernobby." The
+terrier slipped from under my arm and ran to where he stood. "Good dog.
+But I mustn't play with you till the gentleman in blue boxcloth says so.
+'Sides, I'm a giddy criminal, I am." He addressed my companion. "Will
+you dismiss the parade, inspector? Or shall we do a little troop drill?"
+
+I turned to the bewildered officer.
+
+"It's all a mistake, inspector. This is my brother-in-law. He must have
+borrowed the case without my knowledge. For goodness' sake, get these
+men away and we'll explain things."
+
+The inspector hesitated, but Nobby's frantic efforts to lick the
+suspect's face settled the matter. Gruffly he acted upon my suggestion,
+and the little squad broke up.
+
+In the charge-room we satisfied him of the sincerity of our statements
+and exonerated him from blame. To do the police justice, Berry was
+dressed more or less in accordance with my hazy description of the
+"thief," and it was my dispatch-case. Courtesies were exchanged, I
+signed a receipt for my property, and Berry, his effects restored, gave
+a poor devil, who was brought in to be charged with begging, enough to
+console the latter for his detention on Christmas Day.
+
+A moment later I was introducing him to Miss Doiran.
+
+"Thief and brother-in-law in one," I said. "A terrible combination."
+
+Berry took off his hat and put a hand to his head.
+
+"Whose reign is it?" he said dazedly. "When I entered the gaol it was
+King George."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+With his back to the fire in Daphne's bedroom, Berry proceeded to clear
+the air.
+
+"If any one of you four had a tenth of the instinct of a village idiot,
+it would have occurred to those diseased fungi which you call your minds
+that I had said I should want Boy's dispatch-case. But let that pass.
+
+"I was walking through Flail according to plan, and following the
+tram-lines according to the drivelling advice given me by an outside
+porter with a suggestive nose. Need I say that before I had covered a
+hundred yards the lines branched? I was still praying for the soul of my
+informant, when I observed that a large blue constable, who was
+apparently lining the street, was staring at me as at an apparition.
+Courteously I gave him 'Good day.' In return he handed me a look which I
+shall try to forget, and asked me how I came by the dispatch-case.
+
+"'_I_ didn't,' I said. 'I came by train.'
+
+"Noticing that he seemed piqued by my reply, I made haste to suggest
+that we should repair to a neighbouring dairy and consume two small
+glasses of butter milk and a sponge cake at my expense. Not to be
+outdone in hospitality, he made a counter-proposal, which, after some
+hesitation, I thought it discreet to accept. Our progress through the
+streets afforded the acme of gratification to the populace, most of whom
+accompanied us with every circumstance of enthusiasm and delight.
+Altogether it was most exhilarating.
+
+"My reception at the police-station was cordial in the extreme. They
+told me their theory, and I gave them my explanation. The fact that the
+beastly case was still locked was naturally in my favour. In fact,
+everything in the garden was lovely, and I was on the point of pushing
+off to catch my train, when that fool of an inspector asked if I'd leave
+my card, as a matter of form.
+
+"'I'm afraid I haven't one on me,' I said, 'but I daresay I've got an
+envelope,' and I started to feel in my pockets. There was only one paper
+there, and that wasn't an envelope. _It was Mr. Boleton's letter._
+
+"The moment I saw what it was, I knew I was done. I couldn't put it
+away, or they'd get suspicious. If I showed it them, they'd regard me as
+a first-class crook, and very big game. I suppose I hesitated, for the
+Inspector leaned forward and took it out of my hand.
+
+"The rest was easy. I was reviled, searched, cautioned, examined,
+measured, described and finally told that I should be detained pending
+inquiries. I was then immured in a poisonous-looking dungeon, which, to
+judge from its atmosphere, had been recently occupied by an
+anti-prohibitionist, and, from its condition, not yet reached by the
+chambermaid.
+
+"Yes," he concluded, "you have before you the complete gaol-bird."
+
+"How did you spend your time?" said Jonah.
+
+"B-b-beating my wings against the crool b-b-bars," said Berry. "My
+flutterings were most painful. Several turnkeys broke down. The rat
+which was attached to me for pay and rations gambolled to assuage my
+grief. Greatly affected by the little animal's antics, I mounted the
+plank bed and rang the b-b-bell for the b-b-boots. In due course they
+appeared full of the feet of a gigantic warder. I told him that I had
+not ordered vermin and should prefer a fire, and asked if they'd mind if
+I didn't dress for dinner. I added that I thought flowers always
+improved a cell, and would he buy me some white carnations and a
+b-b-begonia. His reply was evasive and so coarse that I told the rat not
+to listen, and recited what I could remember of 'The Lost Chord.'" He
+turned to me. "The remainder of my time I occupied in making plans for
+the disposal of your corpse."
+
+"You've only yourself to thank," said I. "You shouldn't have borrowed
+the goods. I acted in good faith."
+
+"I wonder," said Berry, "where one gets quicklime."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+It was during the interval between the third and fourth dances, both of
+which had been given me by Miss Doiran, that the latter consulted her
+programme.
+
+"I'm dancing the fifth," she announced, "with the Duke of Blackpool." I
+started violently, but she took no notice. "I think you know him. He was
+released from prison this afternoon. As my aunt's secretary, I've had
+some correspondence with him under the name of Boleton."
+
+My brain began to work furiously.
+
+"I scent collusion," I said. "Diana is in this."
+
+Miss Doiran laughed.
+
+"She rang me up directly she got your note about the lecture. The rest
+sort of came natural. I believe you were responsible for the telegrams.
+I congratulate you. The elephants were a brain-wave. My aunt was tickled
+to death by them."
+
+"How dreadful! I mean--it's very nice of her. I'm afraid it was all
+rather impertinent."
+
+"If so, we were the first to offend, and, after all, Major Pleydell has
+expiated his crime."
+
+"And he's fixed my murder for the first week In January. There's really
+only you left."
+
+"Oh, I'm punished already," said Miss Doiran. "I've lost my heart. And
+he doesn't love me."
+
+"Would it be indiscreet to ask his name?"
+
+Miss Doiran looked round the room.
+
+"When I last saw him," she said, "he was talking to an Irish terrier."
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER V
+
+HOW JILL'S EDUCATION WAS IMPROVED, AND DAPHNE GAVE HER HUSBAND THE SLIP.
+
+
+"As I have frequently observed," said Berry, "your education has been
+neglected. I'm not blaming those responsible. Your instruction must have
+been a thankless task."
+
+"I should think the masters who taught you enjoyed their holidays."
+
+Such a reply from Jill was like a sudden snowstorm in June, and Berry,
+who was in the act of drinking, choked with surprise. When he had
+recovered his breath--
+
+"You rude child," he said. "My prizes are among my most cherished
+possessions."
+
+"Where d'you keep them?"--suspiciously.
+
+"Chancery Lane Safe Deposit," was the reply. "When I die I shall leave
+them to the Wallace Collection. The shoes I wore at the first night of
+_Buzz-Buzz_ are already promised to the Imperial Institute."
+
+"When you've quite finished," said Daphne, "I'll suggest that we go up
+for the day on Friday. I don't mean to-morrow, but the one after."
+
+"It's a little early in the year," said I. "All the same, there's no
+reason why we shouldn't go up again later on. It's always open."
+
+"If the weather holds," said Jonah, "it will be looking wonderful."
+
+Oxford. Some reference had been made to the city while we sat at
+dessert, and in the midst of a banana Jill had confessed that she had
+never been there. The rest of us knew the place well. Berry had been at
+Magdalen, Jonah at New College, and I had fleeted four fat years
+carelessly as a member of "The House." But, while my sister had spent
+many hours there during my residence, Jill had not once visited her
+brother--largely, no doubt, because there was a disparity of six years,
+in her favour, between their ages.
+
+"I warn you," said Berry, "that I may break down. My return to the
+haunts of early innocence may be too much for me. Yes," he added, "I
+shouldn't be at all surprised if I were to beat my breast somewhere near
+The Martyrs' Memorial."
+
+"An appropriate locality," said Jonah. "If my memory serves me, it was
+for a crime committed almost under the shadow of that monument that you
+were irrevocably sent down."
+
+Berry selected a cigar before replying. Then--
+
+"Only a malignant reptile would refer to that miscarriage of justice. It
+was not my fault that the animal which I employed exceeded its
+instructions and, as it were, pushed on after attaining its objective."
+
+"You expected it to consolidate the position?" said I.
+
+"Precisely. To dig itself in. It was like this. It was expedient--no
+matter why--that a large boar should be introduced into Balliol College
+shortly before 10 p.m. A gigantic specimen was accordingly procured and
+brought to the Broad Street entrance in a hansom cab. It was then
+induced to take up a position commanding the wicket-door. The
+juxtaposition of two hurdles, held in place by my subordinates,
+frustrated any attempt at untimely evacuation. At a given signal the
+customary kick was administered to the gate, indicating that some person
+or persons sought admission to the foundation. Unhesitatingly the porter
+responded to the summons. The wicket was opened, and the pig passed in."
+
+"I think it was very cruel," said Daphne.
+
+"Not at all," said her husband. "There was more succulent grass upon the
+lawns of Balliol than was dreamt of in its ferocity. To continue. My
+mission accomplished, I entered the hansom and drove to the Club. It was
+during an unfortunate altercation with the cabman, who demanded an
+unreasonably exorbitant sum for the conveyance of the pig, that I was
+accosted by a proctor for being gownless. The cab was still redolent of
+its late occupant, and, although nothing was said at the time, it was
+this which afterwards led the authorities to suspect my complicity. Even
+so, nothing would have been said but for a most distressing development.
+
+"I had expected that the pig would confine its attention to the
+quadrangles and gardens and to startling such members of the college as
+happened casually to encounter it. Fate, however, decreed otherwise. It
+appears that the creature's admission coincided with the opening of a
+door which led directly into the Senior Common Room, where the Master
+and Fellows were still discussing classical criticism and some '34 port.
+Attracted by the shaft of light and the mellow atmosphere of good cheer
+and hilarity which streamed into the comparative gloom of the
+quadrangle, the pig made a bee-line for the doorway, and a moment later
+the exclusive circle was enriched by the presence of this simple and
+unaffected guest. The details of what followed have never transpired,
+but from the Senior Proctor's demeanour at a subsequent interview, and
+the amount of the bill for damage which I was requested to pay, I am
+inclined to think that the pig must have been a confirmed Bolshevist."
+
+"I hope you apologized to the Master."
+
+"I did. I received in reply a letter which I shall always value. It ran
+as follows--
+
+_SIR,_
+
+_I beg that you will think no more of the matter. Youth must be served.
+Many years ago I assisted your father in a somewhat similar enterprise.
+Till the other evening I had always believed that the havoc provoked by
+the introduction of a dancing bear into a concert-room could not be
+surpassed. I am now less certain._
+
+_Yours very faithfully,_
+
+.."
+
+"I think," said Jill, "he was very forgiving."
+
+"It was deep," said Berry, "calling to deep. By the way, you'll all be
+pleased to hear that I have received peremptory instructions 'within one
+week to abolish the existing number by which this house is
+distinguished, and to mark or affix on some conspicuous part thereof a
+new number, and to renew the same as often as it is obliterated or
+defaced.' Selah."
+
+"Whatever," said Daphne, "do you mean?"
+
+"Sorry," said Berry. "Let me put it another way. Some genii,
+masquerading as officials, have got a move on. Snuffing the air of
+'Reconstruction,' they have realized with a shock that the numbers of
+the houses in this street have not been changed for over half a century.
+Thirstily they have determined to repair the omission. We've always been
+'38.' In a few days, with apologies to Wordsworth, we shall be '7.' A
+solemn thought."
+
+"But can we do nothing?"
+
+"Certainly. In that case somebody else will obliterate the existing
+number, and I shall be summoned to appear before a Justice of the
+Peace."
+
+"It's outrageous," said Daphne. "It'll cause endless confusion, and
+think of all our notepaper and cards. All the dies will have to be
+scrapped and new ones cut."
+
+"Go easy," said I. "After a decent interval they'll alter the name of
+the street. Many people feel that The Quadrant should be renamed 'The
+Salient,' and Piccadilly 'High Street.' I'm all for Progress."
+
+"Is this renumbering stunt a fact?" said Jonah. "Or are you Just being
+funny?"
+
+"It's a poisonous but copper-bottomed fact," said Berry. "This is the
+sort of thing we pay rates and taxes for. Give me Germany."
+
+"Can't we refuse?"
+
+"I've rung up Merry and Merry, and they've looked up the law, and say
+there's no appeal. We are at the mercy of some official who came out top
+in algebra in '64 and has never recovered. Let us be thankful it wasn't
+geography. Otherwise we should be required to name this house 'Sea View'
+or 'Clovelly.' Permit me to remark that the port has now remained
+opposite you for exactly four minutes of time, for three of which my
+goblet has been empty."
+
+"I think it's cruel," said Jill, passing on the decanter. "I think----"
+
+"Hush," said Berry. "That wonderful organ, my brain, is working."
+Rapidly he began to write upon the back of a _menu_. "We must inform the
+world through the medium of the Press. An attractive paragraph must
+appear in _The Times_. What could be more appropriate than an epitaph?
+Ply me with wine, child. The sage is in labour with a song." Jill filled
+his glass and he drank. "Another instant, and you shall hear the
+deathless words. I always felt I should be buried in the Abbey. Anybody
+give me a rhyme for 'bilge'? No, it doesn't matter. I have ingeniously
+circumvented the crisis."
+
+He added one line, held the card at arm's length, regarded it as a
+painter a canvas, sighed, and began to read.
+
+_A painful tale I must relate.
+We used to live at thirty-eight,
+But as we hope to go to heaven,
+We've come to live at number seven.
+Now, if we'd lived at number nine,
+I'd got a simply priceless line--
+I didn't want to drag in heaven,
+But nothing else will rhyme with seven._
+
+"Soldier, mountebank, and rhymester too!" said Jonah. "And yet we
+breathe the same air."
+
+"I admit it's strange," said my brother-in-law. "But it was foretold by
+my predecessor. I think you'll find the prophecy in _Henry the Fifth_.
+'And wholesome berries thrive and ripen best, Neighboured by fruit of
+baser quality.' My game, I think. What?"
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+As was fitting, St. George's Day dawned fair and cloudless. Her
+passionate weeping of the day before dismissed, April was smiling--shyly
+at first, as if uncertain that her recent waywardness had been forgiven,
+and by and by so bravely that all the sweet o' the year rose up out of
+the snowy orchards, dewy and odorous, danced in the gleaming meadows and
+hung, glowing and breathless, in every swaying nursery that Spring had
+once more built upon the patient trees.
+
+The Rolls sailed through the country, proudly indifferent to hill or
+dale, melting the leagues to miles with such swift deadliness as made
+you sorry for the lean old road that once had been so much to reckon
+with.
+
+I was on the point of communicating this Quixotic reflection to Agatha
+Deriot, who was seated in front between Jill and myself, when there fell
+upon my reluctant ears that heavy sigh which only an expiring tire can
+heave. As I slowed up, it occurred to me that the puissance of the roads
+of England was still considerable.
+
+"Which is it?" said Agatha.
+
+"Off hind, I fancy." We were in the midst of a pleasant beechwood, and I
+pulled in to the side of the road with a grunt. "If it had to be, it
+might have happened in a less pleasing locality."
+
+"I gather," said Berry's voice, "I gather that something untoward has
+befallen the automobile. Should I be wrong, correct me and explain the
+stoppage."
+
+"With that singular clarity of intellect which never fails to recognize
+the obvious, you have correctly diagnosed the case. We have picked up a
+puncture."
+
+"Speak for yourself," said Berry. "I always let them lie. I did gather a
+bunch of bursts once, but----"
+
+"Sorry," said I. "I forgot how near we were to Oxford. What I meant was
+that some hostile body of a sharp nature had penetrated a tire, thus
+untimely releasing the air hitherto therein confined."
+
+"Thank you," said Berry. "Experience leads me to anticipate a slight
+delay, the while you effect the necessary repairs. I shall therefore
+compose myself to slumber and meditation. Possibly I shall toy with a
+cigarette. Possibly----"
+
+"Your programme will, I fear, miscarry for more than one reason. In the
+first place, you're sitting on the jack. In the second place, clumsy
+fool though you are, Jonah can change the wheel quicker if you help
+him." With that I climbed out of the driver's seat, and lighted a
+cigarette. "Who," I added, "will come for a little walk?"
+
+"I'm coming," said Daphne, setting aside the rug and rising from her
+seat between Jonah and her husband.
+
+"I forbid you," said the latter, "to consort with that blasphemous
+viper."
+
+My sister leaned down and kissed him.
+
+"A little gentle exercise," she said, "will do you good. I expect it'll
+make you hot, so take your coat off. Then you'll have something to put
+on again."
+
+Coldly Berry regarded her.
+
+"How long," he said, "did it take you to work that out?"
+
+As we strolled down the sun-flecked road in the wake of Miss Deriot and
+Jill, I turned and looked back at the car. Something was squatting on
+the tarmac close to the petrol tank. The fact that Jonah was unstrapping
+a spare wheel suggested that my brother-in-law was taking exercise....
+
+My sister slid an arm through mine, and we walked idly on. The road
+curled out of the wood into the unchecked sunlight, rising to where its
+flashing hedgerows fell back ten paces each, leaving a fair green ride
+on either side of the highway. Here jacketed elms made up a stately
+colonnade, ready to nod their gay green crests at each stray zephyr's
+touch, and throwing broad equidistant bars of shadow across the fresh
+turf and the still moist ribbon of metalling beyond. Two piles of stones
+lay heaped upon the sward, and, as we drew near, we heard the busy chink
+of a stone-breaker's hammer, a melodious sound that fitted both morning
+and venue to perfection. Again I fell to thinking on the old coach
+road....
+
+The stone-breaker was an old, old man, but the tone in which he gave us
+"Good day" was blithe and good to hear, while he looked as fit as a
+fiddle.
+
+"You work very fast," said I, as he reached for a mammoth flint.
+
+"Aye," he said. "But it come easy, sir, after so many year."
+
+"Have you always done this?" said Daphne.
+
+The old fellow plucked the gauze from his brow and touched his battered
+hat.
+
+"Naught else, m'm. Nine-and-seventy year come Michaelmas I've kep' the
+Oxford road. An' me father before me."
+
+"That's a wonderful record," said I amazedly. "And you carry your years
+well."
+
+"Thank you, sir. There's a many as tells me that. I'll be ninety-one in
+the month o' June. An' can't write me own name, sir."
+
+"That's no shame," said I. "Tell me, you must remember the coaches."
+
+"That do I. They was took off my road just afore I started breakin'
+meself, but long afore that I used to bring me father 'is dinner, an' I
+remember them well. Many a time I've watched the 'Tantivy' go by, an'
+Muster Cracknell drivin'. Always nodded to father, 'e did, an' passed
+the time o' day. An' father, 'e'd wave 'is 'ammer, an' call me an' tell
+me 'is name, an' what a fine coachman 'e were. 'Twas a Birmin'ham coach,
+the 'Tantivy,' but Muster Cracknell used to 'and over at Oxford. London
+to Oxford was 'is stretch, sir. An' back."
+
+"Isn't that wonderful?" said Daphne.
+
+Agatha and Jill, who had joined us, agreed in awestruck whispers.
+
+The old fellow laughed.
+
+"I've seen the coaches, m'm, and I've seen the motors, an' they can't
+neither of them do without the road, m'm. As it was in the beginnin', so
+ever it shall be. Soon I'll pass, but the road'll go on, an' others'll
+break for 'er. For she must needs be patched, you know, m'm, she must
+needs be patched...."
+
+We gave him money, and he rose and uncovered and pulled his white
+forelock with the antique courtesy of his class. As we turned away, I
+pinched Daphne's arm.
+
+"I'll bet no man's ever done that to you before."
+
+She shook her head, smiling.
+
+"I don't think so. It was very nice of him."
+
+"What would you call him?" said Jill. "A stone-breaker?"
+
+I raised my eyebrows.
+
+"I suppose so. Or roadman."
+
+"I know," said Agatha softly. "He's a Gentleman of the Road."
+
+"Good for you," said I. "The title never became a highwayman one half so
+well."
+
+As I spoke, the Rolls stole up alongside. We climbed in, Jill and I
+sitting behind for a change. With a foot on the step, Daphne looked at
+her husband.
+
+"Did you get very hot?" she said.
+
+"I did," said Berry. "Every pore in my body has been in action. I always
+think it's so nice to start a day like that."
+
+"How would you like to break stones," said I, "for seventy-nine years?"
+
+Jonah let in the clutch.
+
+"I perceive," said Berry, "that you are under the influence of drink. At
+the present moment I am more interested in the breaking of backs. Have
+you ever jacked up a car?"
+
+"Often. You must stoop to conquer."
+
+"Stoop? You must have a comic spine. My trunk kept getting in the way.
+And my nether limbs were superfluous. To do it properly you should be
+severed below the armpits."
+
+"The correct way," said I, "is to face the jack, and then bend backwards
+till you face it again. Then it's simplicity itself. You work, as it
+were, between your own legs."
+
+My brother-in-law sighed.
+
+"I used to do my boots up like that, when an agent in Germany. In that
+way no one could assault me from behind. Those detailed to stab me in
+the back were nonplussed and in several cases shot for incompetence."
+
+A quarter of an hour later we slid over Magdalen Bridge.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+The venerable city was unchanged. That same peculiar dignity, which no
+impertinence can scathe, that same abiding peace, the handiwork of
+labouring centuries, that immemorial youth, which drains the cups of
+Time and pays no reckoning--three wonders of the world, rose up to meet
+us visitors.
+
+Oxford has but two moods.
+
+This day she was _allegro_. The Sunshine Holyday of Spring had won her
+from her other soberer state, and Mirth was in all her ways. Her busy
+streets were bright, her blistered walls glowed and gave back the warmth
+vouchsafed them, her spires and towers were glancing, vivid against the
+blue: the unexpected green, that sprawled ragged upon scaly parapets,
+thrust boldly out between the reverend mansions and smothered up the
+songs of architects, trembled to meet its patron: the blowing meadows
+beamed, gates lifted up their heads, retired quadrangles smiled in their
+sleep, the very streams were lazy, and gardens, walks, spaces and
+alleyed lanes were all betimes a-Maying.
+
+Perhaps because it was St. George's Day, ghosts that the grey old stones
+can conjure up, at Fancy's whim came thronging. The state of Kings rode
+by familiar, shrewd virgin Majesty swayed in a litter down the roaring
+streets, and the unruly pomp of a proud cardinal wended its scarlet way
+past kneeling citizens. Cavaliers ruffled it in the chequered walks,
+prelates and sages loaded the patient air with discourse, and phantom
+tuck of drum ushered a praise-God soldiery to emptied bursaries. With
+measured tread statesmen and scholars paced sober up and down the flags,
+absorbed in argument, poets roamed absent by, and Law and bustling
+Physic, learned and gowned and big with dignity, swept in and out the
+gates of colleges whose very fame, that spurred their young intent, they
+lived to magnify.
+
+After a random drive about the city, in the course of which we visited
+St. John's and Magdalen, we put the car in a garage and repaired to _The
+Mitre_ for lunch.
+
+Such other spectacles as we proposed to view lay more or less close
+together, and could be inspected more conveniently without the car,
+which claimed the constant vigilance of one of us just at the very times
+we least could spare it.
+
+Fortified by the deference shown him by his scout, whom we had
+encountered while visiting his old rooms overlooking the Deer Park, my
+brother-in-law had in some measure succeeded--so far as Jill and Agatha
+were concerned--in investing his sojourn at Magdalen with an ill-merited
+dignity; and Daphne, Jonah and I were quite justifiably delighted when a
+prosperous-looking individual, with a slip in his waistcoat and a
+diamond ring, left his table and laid a fat hand familiarly upon Berry's
+shoulder.
+
+"Hullo, Pleydell, old man. How's things? Don't remember me, I suppose.
+Lewis." He mentioned the name of the minor college he had once adorned.
+"You were at Magdalen, weren't you?"
+
+Taken completely by surprise, Berry hesitated before replying in a tone
+which would have chilled a glacier.
+
+"Er--yes. I'm afraid my memory's not as good as yours. You must excuse
+me."
+
+"That's all right," said the other, with a fat laugh. "I was one of the
+quiet little mice," he added archly, "and you were always such a gay
+dog." To our indescribable delectation he actually thrust a stubby
+forefinger into his victim's ribs.
+
+"Er--yes," said Berry, moving his chair as far from his tormentor as
+space would permit. "I suppose you were. One of the mice, I think you
+said. You know, I still don't seem to remember your face or name. You're
+quite sure...."
+
+"Anno Domini," was the cheerful reply. "We're both older, eh? Don't you
+remember the night we all----But p'r'aps I oughtn't to tell tales out of
+school, ought I, old bean?" Again the forefinger was employed, and its
+owner looked round expectantly. Beads of perspiration became visible
+upon Berry's forehead, and Jonah and I burst into a roar of laughter.
+
+Greatly encouraged by our mirth, Mr. Lewis beamed with geniality, and,
+slapping Berry upon the back with the diamond ring, commended the good
+old times, observed that the undergraduates of to-day were of a very
+different class to "me and you," and added that England was in such a
+rotten state that, if the Coal Controller had not personally begged him
+to "carry on," he would have "up stick and cleared out to Australia long
+ago."
+
+At his concluding words Daphne sat up as if she had been shot. Then,
+administering to me a kick, which she afterwards explained had been
+intended for Berry, she smiled very charmingly.
+
+"I suppose you're just up for the day, Mr. Lewis. As we are," she
+inquired.
+
+With an elaborate bow Mr. Lewis agreed, and in a moment the two were
+carrying on an absurd conversation, to which Jonah and I contributed by
+laughing unfeignedly whenever a remark justified an expression of mirth.
+Jill and Agatha were on the edge of hysteria, and Berry sat sunk in a
+condition of profound gloom, from which he occasionally emerged to fix
+one or other of us with a stare of such malevolence as only served to
+throw us into a fresh paroxysm of laughter.
+
+Had Mr. Lewis for one moment appreciated the true cause of our
+amusement, he would have been a broken man. Happily his self-confidence
+was sublime, and, when Daphne finally bowed and remarked with a dazzling
+smile that no doubt he and her husband would like to have a little chat
+after luncheon, he retired in a perfect ecstasy of gratification.
+
+When he was out of earshot--
+
+"Why not ask him to come and live with us?" said Berry. "He could go to
+the Loganberrys' ball on Tuesday, and Jonah and I can put him up for the
+Club. He might even stay for Ascot."
+
+"I think he's a topper," said I.
+
+"Old college pal, I suppose," said Jonah. "Let's call the Stilton after
+him."
+
+"Listen," said Daphne. "Didn't you hear him say he was something to do
+with coal? Well, the moment he said it, I thought of what I've been
+trying to remember ever since yesterday morning. We've got three
+hundredweight left, and we've had more than our ration already. For
+goodness' sake, get him to do something for us."
+
+"You wicked woman," said Berry. "You wicked, deceitful woman."
+
+"Nonsense," said Daphne. "It's just a stroke of luck. Of course, he
+mayn't be able to help, but it's worth trying. If you want to do without
+a hot bath--let alone fires--for the next three months, I don't."
+
+"And I am to be the cat's-paw?" said Berry. "I'm to have the felicity of
+hobnobbing with that poisonous bounder----"
+
+"You've done it before," said I. "He remembers it perfectly."
+
+"Vermin," said Berry, "you lie. My association with that little pet was
+confined to the two solitary occasions upon which I was so misguided as
+to be the guest of a club of which he was not a member, but which was,
+nevertheless, an institution of the college which he adorned. After
+dinner it was customary to pay a short but eventful visit to the rooms
+of the most unpopular man in college. On each occasion Mr. Lewis's rooms
+were unanimously selected."
+
+"Nemesis," said I. "He's getting his own back."
+
+"I rejoice to think," said my brother-in-law, "that it was I who
+conceived the idea of secreting Chinese figs in every pair of his boots
+and shoes that could be found. If I remember, we used the best part of
+two boxes."
+
+"I depend upon you," said Daphne. "Be civil to him for five minutes, and
+we'll--we'll wait for you between St. Mary's and The Radcliffe."
+
+"But how nice of you! I should hate to suggest that you were not taking
+any risks. Of course, a punt moored in midstream would be safer."
+
+"He might be worse," said I. "I admit I could spare the diamond, but at
+least he's not wearing a cummerbund and sand shoes."
+
+"Hush," said Jonah. "He's keeping them for Henley. You won't catch him
+out on dress. Ah me," he added with a sigh, "I love to see old chums
+meet again, don't you?"
+
+"There's nothing so touching," said I, "as a reunion of souls. To revive
+the memory of boyhood's intimacy, of joys and troubles shared, of visits
+to the tuck-shop.... If the truth were known, I expect they were always
+together, sort of inseparable, you know."
+
+"No doubt. Naturally, Berry's a bit shy at first, but that's often the
+way. Before the afternoon's out, he'll be calling him 'Erb' again, and
+they'll have changed hats."
+
+"This," said Berry, "is intolerable. A little more and I shall burst
+into large pear-shaped tears. Let's pay the bill, will you?" He rose to
+his feet. "And now I'm going to remember more things in five minutes
+than Mr. Lewis has forgotten in thirteen years. Will two tons be
+enough?"
+
+"Make it three," said Daphne.
+
+"And we are to reassemble between St. Mary's and The Radcliffe. Or was
+it between The Radcliffe and St. Mary's?"
+
+"We shall wait five minutes and no more," said I. "That gives you one
+minute forty seconds a ton, or five seconds a hundredweight. Keep the
+home fires burning."
+
+"Mathematician and imitation humorist," said Berry. "Isn't it wonderful?
+Don't forget to let me know what the bill comes to. Just as a matter of
+interest."
+
+He sauntered in the direction of Mr. Lewis, who was watching him with
+the air of a terrier that hopes to be taken out for a walk....
+
+I called for the bill, and five minutes later the rest of us were
+strolling across the cobbles under the shadow of The Radcliffe Camera.
+
+"As soon as he comes," said Jonah, "we'll go to New College. We can sit
+in the gardens there for a bit and suck soda-mints. When the process of
+digestion is completed, we can see the chapel and hall, and then one of
+us can borrow a gown, and we'll look in at The Bodleian."
+
+The project seemed admirable, but, as has been frequently remarked, Man
+but proposes.
+
+More than four minutes had elapsed, and we were casually sauntering
+towards The High, to see if Berry was in sight, when the latter swung
+round the corner of Brasenose with Mr. Lewis stepping joyously by his
+side.
+
+Instead of his grey Homburg, my brother-in-law was wearing a soft
+clerical hat which was too small for him. The ludicrous effect created
+by this substitution of headgear can be more easily imagined than
+described.
+
+For a moment we wavered. Then Jill gave a shriek of laughter, and we
+broke and scattered something after the manner of a mounted
+reconnoitring patrol that has unexpectedly "bumped into" a battalion of
+the enemy. Our retreat, however, was not exactly precipitate, and we
+endeavoured to invest it with a semblance of hypocrisy not usually
+thought necessary in warfare; but it was in no sense dignified, and only
+a child, too young to differentiate between right and wrong, could have
+failed to recognize the true motive which prompted our withdrawal.
+
+Seizing Agatha by the arm I turned left about, pointed vehemently to the
+dome of the Camera, and hurried her in the direction of the gate which
+admitted to that institution. Simultaneously Jonah wheeled right about
+and, apparently imparting information of a startling character
+concerning the east front of Brasenose to his sister and cousin, began
+to hustle them towards the entrance. To Berry's repeated nominal
+exhortations we paid not the slightest attention. Coal or no coal, the
+combination of Mr. Lewis and my brother-in-law--the latter in a mood
+which the assumption of so ridiculous a garb made it impossible to
+mistake--was too awful to contemplate. There are things which are worse
+than a cold bath.
+
+I did not stop until we were safely on the leads of the Camera.
+Considerably out of breath, we leaned cautiously upon the balustrade, if
+possible from our eminence to observe the manoeuvres of our terror. Look
+where we would, there was no one to be seen.
+
+"The brute must have followed the others into B.N.C.," I panted. "I'd
+love to see them come out."
+
+"I think he's a scream," said Agatha. "If he could only see himself in
+that hat...."
+
+She dissolved into peals of laughter.
+
+"I agree. But I'd rather watch from the stalls than assist him in one of
+his turns."
+
+"Stalls? This is more like the gallery."
+
+"True. But remember. 'Who sups with the devil should hold a long spoon.'
+All the same, if you can bear another proverb, 'It's an ill wind,' etc.
+If I hadn't been hard up for a refuge, I should never have thought of
+bringing you up here, and for any one to get an idea of Oxford it's as
+good a place as I know."
+
+Miss Deriot gazed at the magnificent prospect before replying.
+
+"It ought to make me feel very small," she said suddenly, "but somehow
+it doesn't. It's so terribly old and all that, but it's got such a kind
+look."
+
+"That," said I, "is the quality of Oxford. And I congratulate you. You
+are articulate where wise men have stood dumb. Perhaps it's because
+you're so much alike."
+
+"Who."
+
+"You and Oxford."
+
+"Am I so terribly old?"
+
+I shook my head.
+
+"But you're beautifully built, and you've got a kind look and handsome
+ways, and your temples are a dream, and all our swains commend you,
+and----"
+
+"Stop, stop. You're getting mixed."
+
+"Not at all. My intellect was never less clouded. In spite of two
+glasses of ginger beer, my hand is like a spade--I mean a rock. Insert a
+fly in your eye, and I will remove it unhesitatingly."
+
+"I'll take your word for it," said Agatha.
+
+"One of these days I shall compare you to a burst of melody. At the
+present moment I am between your dimple and the deep sea."
+
+"The dimple you are," said Agatha, with a smile that promised laughter
+with difficulty suppressed.
+
+Amusedly I regarded her.
+
+She was very tastefully dressed. A blue silk coat and a white laced
+blouse beneath it, a pale grey skirt of some soft stuff, grey silk
+stockings and small grey shoes--these with a hat of crocheted silk that
+matched her jersey--suited her pretty figure and the April day to rare
+perfection.
+
+Leaning easily against the worn masonry of the balustrade, slight, lithe
+and graceful, she was the embodiment of vitality in repose. She stood so
+still, but there was a light shining in the brown eyes, that were cast
+down and over the parapet, keeping a careful watch for any indication of
+Berry's activity, a tell-tale quiver of the sensitive nostrils, an
+eagerness hanging on the parted lips, which, with her flushed cheeks,
+lent to a striking face an air of freshness and a keen _joie de vivre_
+that was exhilarating beyond description.
+
+"I wonder what's happening," said Agatha, nodding down at the gateway.
+"Can they get out another way?"
+
+"I'm not sure. There is another gate, but----"
+
+"At last," said a familiar voice. "I wouldn't have missed those stairs
+for anything. Think of the fools who've trodden them before." The next
+moment Berry, followed by Mr. Lewis, made his appearance. "Why, here are
+our little playmates." He advanced beaming. "Don't be shy any longer.
+And what a storied retreat you have selected!" He indicated the building
+with a sweep of his arm. "You know, originally this was a helter-skelter
+lighthouse, but Henry the Eighth lost his mat half-way down the chute,
+and had it closed down in revenge. There was a great deal of feeling
+about it. Especially on the part of the King. He hunted from a litter
+for months."
+
+I addressed myself to Miss Deriot.
+
+"Wonderfully well-informed, isn't he? Scratch the buffoon and you get
+the charlatan."
+
+Berry turned to Mr. Lewis.
+
+"Much of my crowded life," he said, "has been devoted to research. I am,
+as it were, a crystal fount of knowledge. I beg that you will bathe in
+me."
+
+Not knowing exactly what reply to make to this offer, Mr. Lewis laughed
+heartily, while Agatha, overcome with emotion, hurriedly turned away and
+stared over the roofs of Oxford, shaking with long spasms of laughter.
+
+Stifling a desire to join her, I crossed to Mr. Lewis and engaged him in
+reasonable conversation, while Berry seized the opportunity of
+indicating to Agatha the main points of the city, accompanying his
+gesticulations with a series of inaudible remarks, which, to judge from
+their reception, concerned Mr. Lewis more nearly than Oxford, and were
+of a grotesque character. I was just leading up to the question of fuel,
+when a cry from my brother-in-law interrupted me.
+
+"My hag," he announced, "is below. With a notorious winebibber. Where
+are the women police?"
+
+The next moment he had slid an arm through Agatha's and had begun to
+descend. I followed with Mr. Lewis....
+
+I pass over the meeting in the street below, which I was just in time to
+witness. Berry's swoop was so sudden that his prey appeared to realize
+that the game was up, and made no attempt to fly. It was almost piteous.
+An apprehension of certain embarrassment to come extinguished the
+instant impulse to shriek with laughter which was written plain upon
+their faces, and my sister gave one wild glance about her before turning
+to face the delinquent.
+
+As I came up she addressed him.
+
+"Berry, I appeal to you to take off that hat."
+
+"My tongue," was the reply, "I mean my hands, are clean. Bereft of my
+own headgear, I had no choice. Some absent-minded priest is now
+scandalizing his parishioners by parading in a pearl-grey Homburg which
+is four sizes too big for him, while I--would you have me go naked in
+the streets?"
+
+Here the Vice-Chancellor passed, preceded by his Bedels with staves
+reversed, and Berry uncovered and fell upon his knees. Surprised by the
+unwonted attention, the dignitary raised his mortar-board and bowed.
+
+"Let's go and touch him," said Berry excitedly. "Then we shan't get the
+King's Evil. That's the origin of inoculation."
+
+"I implore you," said Daphne, "to behave yourself. As a personal
+favour----"
+
+"You see in me," said her husband, "a huntleyed palmer seeking the tomb
+of Anne of Cloves. On finding it, I must scourge myself. Anyone who
+directs me to it will be assaulted."
+
+"She's buried at Oranges," said Jonah. "But don't let that stop you."
+
+Berry replaced his wideawake and stared at him.
+
+"To mock me," he said, "is most dangerous. Several people have been
+transformed for such an offence. Only yesterday I was compelled to
+change a taxi-driver into a Gorgonzola of military age."
+
+Several clocks struck the half-hour. Half-past two.
+
+"Look here," said I. "We want to go to New College and 'The House,' but
+we can't push off if you're going to come with us looking like that. For
+Heaven's sake, go back to _The Mitre_ and get your own hat. Mr. Lewis,
+won't you go and fix him up?"
+
+Quick as a flash, Daphne threw her weight into the scale which I had
+slung.
+
+"Yes, do," she implored. "You know, you oughtn't to have let him come
+out like that," she added, with a reproachful smile. "And then you can
+join us a New College."
+
+Our manoeuvre was successful beyond all expectation. His vanity
+flattered, the gentleman addressed flung himself into the breach with
+every manifestation of delight, and, seizing my brother-in-law by the
+arm, haled him gleefully in the direction of The High, humouring his
+obvious reluctance with the familiar assurances which one usually
+associates with the persuasion of the unsober.
+
+In silence we watched them till they had turned the corner. Then--
+
+"Did I say New College?" said Daphne hurriedly.
+
+"You did," said I. "So we'd better go straight to 'The House.'"
+
+Three minutes later we were exploring my old rooms in Peckwater
+Quadrangle, Christ Church.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+In spite of its inauspicious beginning, we spent an enjoyable afternoon.
+By common consent New College was ruled out of our itinerary, but Oxford
+cannot be viewed in a day, and we found much to delight our senses south
+of the High Street. Finally, a languorous journey by punt from the
+Barges to Magdalen Bridge more than compensated us for the somnolent
+half-hour which we had been proposing to spend under the shadow of the
+City Wall.
+
+Our return to _The Mitre_--a movement which was effected with great
+caution--was eagerly awaited by the hall-porter, who inquired anxiously
+regarding my brother-in-law, and produced his grey Homburg with a note
+addressed _To the Owner_ stuck in the hatband.
+
+"The gentleman as was of your party, sir, was inquirin' about 'is 'at an
+hour or two back, sir. 'E 'adn't 'ardly gone, when a reverend gent come
+in, all of a state, with this 'at in 'is 'and. Seems he took it away
+absent-minded like, instead of 'is own, sir. Though 'ow 'e can 'ave made
+such a mistake I can't think, 'is bein' a Church 'at as plain as plain.
+But they're like that up 'ere, sir, some o' them."
+
+We stared at one another, frankly astonished to learn that Berry's
+fantastic explanation was founded strictly upon fact.
+
+"Did the clergyman get his own back?" said I.
+
+"Yes, sir. 'Ere it was in the 'all."
+
+Apparently neither the porter nor the divine had any idea of the abuse
+to which the latter's wideawake had been put.
+
+"Oh, well, our friend'll be in presently," said Jonah, taking the
+Homburg. "When he comes, tell him we've got his hat and are having tea."
+
+"Very good, sir. You see there's a note there, sir? The reverend wrote
+it 'ere. I think 'e was 'opin' to ave seen your gentleman and told 'im
+'ow sorry 'e was, but when 'e 'card 'e was out, 'e sits down an' writes
+'im a letter. 'E was in a state."
+
+"Poor man," said Daphne, following after Jonah. "After all, there's no
+harm done."
+
+"It was a near thing," said I. "But for my brain-wave----"
+
+"Nonsense," said Daphne, "I got him away."
+
+"To be candid," said Jonah, "if anybody's to get a mention, I'm inclined
+to think it should be Mr. Lewis."
+
+While we were waiting for tea, I read the letter aloud.
+
+_SIR,_
+
+_I can never adequately express my regret for the distressing, if
+momentary, aberration unhappily responsible for my appropriation of a
+hat which in no way resembles my own._
+
+_I dare entertain no hope that inconvenience has not resulted to you,
+but I beg that you will accept, first, my fervid assurance that it was
+not of industry, but of case that I offended, and, secondly, my most
+humble apologies for the commission of so unfriendly a gest._
+
+_I am, Sir,_
+
+_Your obedient Servant,_
+
+_LUKE ST J. BILDEW, B.D._
+
+When I had finished--
+
+"I don't understand half of it," said Jill.
+
+"I confess it needs annotating, but it's worth keeping, for it's the
+real thing, my dear--a human document. You see, Oxford is the most
+wonderful backwater in the world, but--it's a backwater."
+
+"And if you stay in it always," said Agatha, "and never come out into
+the stream----"
+
+"You are liable to take the wrong hat and to write letters that would be
+the better for footnotes."
+
+Berry arrived with the tea.
+
+In silence he received his own hat, compared it with one which he had
+just purchased, and then handed the latter to the waiter. In silence he
+read Mr. Bildew's note. In silence he selected a piece of bread and
+butter and sank into a chair.
+
+"I can't bear it," said Daphne. "Where's Mr. Lewis?"
+
+"Happily he decided to catch a train twenty minutes ago. Otherwise it
+would have been murder. I should have pleaded guilty to manslaughter,
+committed under extreme provocation. That man oughtn't to be allowed. I
+suppose you forgot to go to New College. Yes, just so."
+
+"And the coal?" said I. "Have you fixed that up?"
+
+"Three tons of the best nuts are to be delivered _sub rosa_ between two
+and three to-morrow afternoon. Nothing is to be said, nothing signed.
+Nobody is to know anything about it. The carter will simply take up the
+plate, shoot the stuff in, and push off. As I happened to have six
+pounds ten shillings upon me, the transaction will not be recorded."
+With a depreciatory hand he waved aside the involuntary buzz of grateful
+admiration. "I am not long for this world. I am, as it were, ear-marked
+for a more worthy sphere. My translation may occur any moment. I should
+like Lewis to have some trifle in memory of me. A personal effect, I
+mean. I've got a gun-metal sovereign-case somewhere. But anything useful
+will do."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+We made a point of being in upon the following afternoon. It was not
+often that we all sat down to lunch together, but the satisfaction of
+witnessing the delivery of three precious tons of coal in the teeth of
+the authorities was more than we could forego. The butler was admitted
+to our confidence, and instructed to stifle any attempt to allay
+curiosity, by interpretation of the carman, that might originate in the
+servants' hall, and immediately after luncheon, which finished at three
+minutes to two, an O.P. was established by the side of one of the
+dining-room windows, in which Jill was posted with orders to advise us
+directly the convoy appeared.
+
+In the library we spent a restless time. Berry, usually somnolent at
+this hour, sat upon the club kerb and toyed with _The Times_. Jonah
+fidgeted with a refractory pipe. Daphne glanced from the clock to her
+novel and the novel to the clock at intervals of fifteen seconds, and I
+wrote four letters to the War Office about my gratuity, and very
+properly destroyed them as incoherent one after another.
+
+At a quarter past two, by common consent, I visited Jill to see if she
+was asleep.... When I made my report we reminded one another that Mr.
+Lewis had said between two and three, and agreed that it was early as
+yet.
+
+At half-past two Daphne left the room and did not return.
+
+At twenty minutes to three I made no attempt to disguise my uneasiness,
+and joined my cousin and sister in the dining-room.
+
+Ten minutes later Jonah and Berry came in.
+
+After a hurried consultation it was decided that, if the coal had not
+arrived in ten minutes' time, Berry should telephone to Mr. Lewis
+forthwith. Almost immediately it was found that nobody knew the man's
+number, initials, or address, and reference to the Directory showed that
+there were four columns of subscribers all bearing his name.
+
+At five minutes past three the strain was telling, and every one's
+temper began more or less to show signs of wear and tear.
+
+"Are you sure," said Daphne for the fourth time, "that it was to come
+between two and three?"
+
+"No," said her husband. "That's why I've been waiting."
+
+"Fool," said his wife.
+
+Berry sighed.
+
+"Some people are very hard to please. If I were you, I should take a
+course of ventriloquism. Then you can ask yourself questions and give
+yourself any perishing answers you like. At times you might even revile
+yourself."
+
+Five minutes later Jonah announced that he was going to Ranelagh, and
+inquired whether any one wanted a round of golf. Berry accepted the
+invitation, and they left together.
+
+The arrival of Fitch with the car at half-past three reminded my sister
+that she was going to call upon some one in Regent's Park, and she
+withdrew in a state of profound depression.
+
+Jill, who was on the very brink of tears, refused to leave her post
+until a quarter to four, and, when that hour arrived, slow-treading but
+coalless, it was only my promise to take her to see Charlie Chaplin
+forthwith that could coax the ghost of a smile to play about her lips.
+
+As I closed the front-door behind us, a neighbouring clock struck four.
+
+Moodily we walked down the street, talking of cinemas and thinking of
+coal. Had our thoughts been otherwise employed, the condition of the
+pavement outside a house about a hundred and twenty yards down on the
+opposite side would have recalled them pellmell to our disappointment.
+It was obvious that a considerable quantity of coal had been recently
+delivered to a more fortunate _menage_. Idly I looked at the number of
+the house. _From either pillar of the porch a freshly painted "38"
+grinned at me._ For a moment I stared at them blankly. Then Jill gave a
+choking cry and caught at my arm....
+
+I realized with a shock that, while Mr. Lewis had been as good as his
+word, my brother-in-law's recollection of our change of address was less
+dependable.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER VI
+
+HOW NOBBY ATTENDED A WEDDING, AND BERRY SPOKE NOTHING BUT THE TRUTH.
+
+
+"If I am to drive," said Jonah, "I won't be responsible for doing it in
+a minute under two hours." He looked down at Nobby, who, with a section
+of one of my shoe-trees in his mouth, was importuning him to play by the
+simple expedient of thrusting the bauble against the calf of his leg.
+"My good dog, if you expect me to interrupt an agreeable breakfast to
+join you in the one-sided game of which you never tire, you are doomed
+to disappointment. Go and worry your owner."
+
+With a reproachful look the terrier took his advice and, trotting across
+to the sideboard, laid his toy at my feet and looked up expectantly. I
+hardened my heart.
+
+"It is not my practice," said I, "to gambol upon an empty stomach. Try
+Jill."
+
+Slowly the brown eyes sank from mine to the bottom button of my
+waistcoat. As I moved to my place, plate in hand, he gave a protesting
+bark, which was answered by a fox-terrier from the box-seat of a passing
+van. In a flash Nobby was upon the sill of the open window, hurling
+defiance at the intruder.
+
+"Is he coming with us?" said Daphne.
+
+"I don't see why he shouldn't. We can leave him at Hillingdon while
+we're at Church. By the way, what time does the balloon go up?"
+
+"The marriage," said Jonah, "is to be solemnized at two o'clock. As I
+said a moment ago, it'll take us two hours to get there. If we start at
+eleven, that'll give us an hour to brush one another, lunch and rehearse
+the series of genial banalities with which it is the habit of
+wedding-guests to insult one another's intelligence."
+
+"I believe," said Jill, "I heard the telephone."
+
+I called upon Nobby to suspend his fury, and we all listened. Sure
+enough, a long spasm of ringing came simultaneously from the library and
+the lobby in the back hall.
+
+"I shouldn't be surprised," said I, "if that was the Club, to tell me
+I've drawn a runner in the three-pound sweep." And, with that, I left my
+kidneys and repaired to the library.
+
+"Can I speak to Major Pleydell?" said a voice.
+
+"Who is it, please?"
+
+"The Waddell Institute speaking."
+
+"Oh, yes. Will you hold the line?"
+
+I went to the foot of the stairs and shouted for Berry. There was no
+reply. In some annoyance I ascended the first flight and shouted again.
+From behind a closed door his voice answered me. It was with a malicious
+pleasure that I located its origin....
+
+A moment later I opened the bathroom door.
+
+From the depths of a luxurious bath Berry regarded me.
+
+"That's right," he said. "You come in. Don't take any notice of me. And
+don't shut the door, or the servants won't be able to see in."
+
+"You are wanted," said I, "upon the telephone."
+
+"How interesting!" said Berry. "I suppose you told them to hold on."
+
+"I did."
+
+He sank into a recumbent position and crossed his legs.
+
+"What a marvellous thing," he said, "the telephone is. There's that
+fool, Heaven knows how many miles away, sitting with his ear glued to a
+piece of vulcanite, and here am I in the midst of an exacting
+toilet--d'you think he'd hear me if I were to shout? Or would you rather
+take a message?"
+
+"It is," said I, "the Waddell Institute."
+
+The savagery with which my brother-in-law invested a very ordinary
+expletive was quite remarkable.
+
+"Why," he added, sitting upright, "cannot they ring up at a lawful hour?
+Why must they----"
+
+The sentence was never finished. With the rush of a whirlwind, Nobby
+tore into the room. His delight at having run me to earth was
+transformed to ecstasy at encountering unexpectedly another member of
+the household, hitherto missing from his tale, and, observing that the
+latter's face was a reasonable distance from the ground, and so less
+inaccessible than usual, the Sealyham leapt upon the rim of the bath to
+offer the lick of greeting which it was his practice to bestow.
+
+The result was inevitable.
+
+Nobby tried to save himself by reaching for Berry's shoulder with his
+forepaws, but at the critical moment his buffer flinched, the paws fell
+short of their objective, and with a startled grunt the terrier fell
+heavily into the bath, his desperate claws leaving two long abrasions
+upon his victim's ribs.
+
+The scene that followed baffles description.
+
+Berry began to roar like a wounded bull, while a bedraggled Nobby
+scrambled and blew and slipped and scratched, caring not at all what was
+his understanding, so long as it provided a foothold and kept his head
+above water.
+
+"He thinks I'm a straw!" yelled Berry. "He's catching at me. Don't stand
+there like a half-baked corner-boy. Get him _out_!"
+
+But I was helpless with laughter, from which I only recovered in time to
+rescue the offender, who, with the bath to himself, was swimming
+sturdily in the deep water and scrabbling fruitlessly on the porcelain,
+while Berry, in a bath-dressing-gown and a loud voice, identified and
+enumerated the several scratches upon his person.
+
+"For Heaven's sake," said I, "go and answer the telephone."
+
+"I shall die," said Berry, slipping his feet into a pair of pumps. "I
+shall get pneumonia (bis) and die. I got into that bath in the prime, as
+it were, the very heyday of life. And now.... At least, I shall be in
+the fashion. 'The body of the deceased bore signs of extreme physical
+violence.' Any more for the crime wave?"
+
+I wrapped Nobby in my brother-in-law's towel and followed the latter
+downstairs.
+
+My sister was standing in the library's doorway.
+
+"What on earth," she demanded, "has been the matter?"
+
+I held up my hand.
+
+"Listen."
+
+Berry was speaking upon the telephone.
+
+"Is that the Waddell Institute? I am so very sorry--I might almost say
+distracted--that you should have been kept waiting.... You see, I've
+just been mauled.... No. Not 'called,' mauled. Emma, ak, u, l for
+leather--I beg your pardon. Yes, isn't it tawful? Well, if you must
+know, it was a bloodhound. They told me at the Dogs' Home that he'd lost
+his scent as a result of the air raids, but last night the charwoman
+gave him a sausage I'd left, and he pulled me down this morning.... Yes.
+This is Major Pleydell.... Oh, Walter Thomas Dale? Yes, I remember
+perfectly.... Received the requisite number of votes? Splendid.... Can
+be admitted on the fifteenth of June? Thanks very much.... What?... Oh,
+I shall pull round. Yes, thanks. I shall just get the wounds plugged,
+and.... Good-bye."
+
+We heard the receiver replaced.
+
+"Hurray!" cried Daphne. "I am glad. That's a real load off my mind.
+Write and tell them this morning, will you?" I looked up from the
+operation of drying Nobby and nodded. "Poor people, they'll be so
+thankful. And now, what happened upstairs?"
+
+"Mixed bathing," said I. "Your husband had not left the bath when Nobby
+entered it. Both were frightened, but neither was hurt."
+
+As I spoke, Berry emerged from the library with a cigarette in his
+mouth.
+
+"My milk-white skin," he said, "has been defaced. My beautiful trunk has
+been lacerated as with jagged nails. You know, I tremble for that dog's
+soul. It mayn't be his fault, but it's invariably my misfortune." He
+turned to my sister. "You heard about Walter Thomas? Good. And now I
+shall slip on some iodine and underclothes and come down as I am."
+
+"Jonah says we must leave at eleven," said Daphne. "For goodness' sake,
+don't be late."
+
+"My wedding garments are prepared and but await my entry. The sponge-bag
+trousers are unrolled, the elastic-sided boots untreed, the made-up tie
+dusted. Of course, we're taking Nobby?"
+
+I looked up from my charge, who was by this time fairly dry and as full
+of beans as an egg is of meat.
+
+"Of course."
+
+"Of course. You never know. I might get run over. That'd give him an
+opening."
+
+"Here," said I, "is your towel. He's all right now."
+
+Carefully Berry fingered the fabric.
+
+"He was wet, wasn't he?" he said. "Yes. I suppose I can dry myself on
+the curtains. I wonder which of us he would bite if I were to assault
+you." He hung the towel over his arm, picked up the terrier and looked
+into his eyes. "You wicked scrap! Why, he's not nearly dry yet." Nobby
+licked his face. "Come along up with uncle, and we'll share the
+bath-mat."
+
+The two disappeared up the staircase, wrangling amicably regarding my
+brother-in-law's right to pull the terrier's whiskers.
+
+"You won't forget to write, will you?" said Daphne, as we returned to
+the dining-room.
+
+"I promise," said I. "You shall see the letter."
+
+Trooper Dale, W., had been in my squadron in the field, and for three
+weeks he had taken my first servant's place. Incidentally he had also
+taken two pounds ten shillings in notes, which I frankly admit I had no
+business to have left in my pocket. Taxed with the theft, he had broken
+down and told me a piteous tale.
+
+A delicate wife and a little boy with curvature of the spine needed
+every honest halfpenny that could be turned--and more also. Between a
+chauffeur's wages and his Army pay there was fixed a great gulf,
+and--well, it was hard to know that the child was suffering for want of
+nourishment.
+
+I caused inquiries to be made. A convenient aunt investigated the case
+and found it genuine. Between us we did what we could. Then, on her
+return from Egypt, my sister visited the family and reported that they
+would be most thankful if the child could be admitted to a first-class
+home. With the Waddell Institute Berry had Influence, and at last a
+coveted vacancy had been obtained....
+
+Before we left for Monk's Honour I composed a suitable letter to the
+ex-trooper, telling him that his little boy could soon be received into
+an institution, from which there was every reason to believe that he
+would eventually emerge comparatively restored to health.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+It was a lovely day. And we were glad of it, for at two o'clock my
+Cousin Madrigal was to be married from the old house where she was born,
+and in the old church In which she was baptized. A special train was
+being run from London, but Monk's Honour lay four miles from the nearest
+station, and it was doubtful if the supply of cars and carriages would
+prove equal to the demand. Therefore we had decided to go down by road.
+With my uncle's land marched the well-timbered acres of Hillingdon,
+where the Tanyons lived, and they had very kindly invited us to
+luncheon, so that we should not descend untimely upon a simmering
+household. In their keeping we proposed to leave Nobby and the car. The
+house was only five minutes' walk from the church and as many again from
+Madrigal's home, so that once we had reached the village we should need
+no conveyance until the time came for us to return to Town.
+
+For a wonder we were all on time, and it was barely eleven o'clock when
+Jonah let in the clutch and the Rolls began to move. Daphne sat in
+front, and Jill between Berry and me on the back seat. The girls wore
+dust-cloaks to save their finery, and two large bandboxes concealed
+their respective hats. Berry, Jonah and I wore light overcoats above our
+morning-dress, and three tall hats, ironed to perfection, each in his
+stiff white hat-box, jostled one another on the mat at our feet. A
+smaller box by their side contained three blooming gardenias.
+
+Once clear of London Jonah gave the Rolls her head, and we were soon
+floating through the midst of blowing cherry orchards and fragrant hop
+gardens, which of the great sun were quick with radiance.
+
+The deeper we plunged into the countryside, the richer this became. Here
+was a treasure of woodland, and there a wealth of pasture: grey lichened
+walls hoarded a precious park, keeping the timid deer in generous
+custody: a silver stream stole between smiling hayfields, crept shadowed
+and cool under the dusty road and, beyond, braided a spreading cloth of
+golden buttercups, that glowed with a soft brilliancy, such as no
+handicraft on earth could coax from the hard heart of costly metal.
+
+Presently we left the main road to sail up a curling hill, and over and
+down past a fair steading into a friendly valley, where the cattle stood
+drowsy under the shelter of giant chestnut trees, and luxuriant
+hawthorns in full blossom filled all the neighbouring air with timely
+sweetness. At the bidding of an aged finger-post Jonah turned to the
+left, and a moment later the car was scudding up a leafy lane,
+high-banked, narrow, and soon so screened and arched with foliage that
+in a little we were being swept through a veritable tunnel, seemingly
+driven through the living green. More than once the lane changed
+direction, but the tunnel held: the ground was rising, but we sailed on,
+the steady purr of the engine swelling into a low snarl as we swung to
+right and left between the cool green walls....
+
+As we slid through Marvel, the clock of the old grey church showed us
+that it was five and twenty to one. We were in good time, for now but a
+short seven miles lay between us and the village which we sought.
+
+Jonah settled himself in his seat and prepared to cover the last lap at
+an easier pace....
+
+Before we had realized what was happening, it was all over.
+
+The road which we were using ran at right angles into a better-class way
+by the side of an old oast-house. Here, for Monk's Honour, we must turn
+to the left. Jonah, prince of drivers, slowed for the turn and sounded
+his horn carefully, for ours was the lesser road. As we rounded the
+corner there was a deafening roar, a cry, a violent shock, a splintering
+crash, the Rolls quivered like a ship that has struck, and a great green
+touring car tore past and was gone in a cloud and a flurry of dust
+before we had come to rest with our near fore-wheel eighteen inches up
+the near-side bank.
+
+Dazedly I watched a little white dog with a black patch take a flying
+leap into the road, stumble, pick himself up, and hurl himself in the
+wake of the monster, barking furiously. Then the whirling dust swallowed
+him up, and I saw him no more.
+
+"LF 8057," said Daphne. "LF 8057. Write it down, somebody. Quick. LF
+8057."
+
+"That's right," said Jonah. "I got it too. LF 8057."
+
+In silence I dragged a pencil out of my pocket and with trembling
+fingers wrote down the precious figures on the back of an envelope.
+
+"Anybody hurt?" continued Jonah, screwing himself round to look at the
+back seat.
+
+"We're all right," said I. "But it was a close call."
+
+"The brute!" cried Jill passionately. "The beastly stinking----"
+
+Berry spoke between his clenched teeth in a voice shaken with choler.
+
+"We'll have that blistered swine if we have to drag hell for him. For
+all he knows, the car's overturned and on fire, and we're pinned under
+it. It's German. Pure full-blooded German. It's the most verminous thing
+I've ever dreamed of. It's----Burn it! Words fail me."
+
+He rose and got out of the car. I followed him and helped Jill to
+alight. She was a little pale, and, when she saw the havoc on the
+off-side, her eyes began to fill with tears.
+
+I put my arm about her.
+
+"Don't worry, darling. It looks worse than it is. And we'll have that
+merchant's blood. We've got his number."
+
+Daphne came up to comfort her, and Jonah, after a cursory glance at the
+damage, limped to the opposite side of the road, sat down on the bank,
+and lighted a cigarette.
+
+"What was he doing?" said Berry, his face still a dark red.
+
+I shrugged my shoulders.
+
+"Shouldn't like to say. Maybe seventy. Maybe more. But it was a
+frightful pace." I pointed along the road to left and right. "See how it
+curves. And we're on the outside of the bend. To clear us at that pace,
+he'd 've had to go over himself."
+
+"How can we hit him best?"
+
+"All round. We can summon him under the Motor Car Acts and bring a civil
+action for damages. He ought to go down heavily."
+
+"No escape?"
+
+"I should say we've got him cold."
+
+Berry heaved a long sigh and clapped me on the back.
+
+"I feel better already," he said.
+
+Before doing anything else, Jonah and I subjected the Rolls to a careful
+examination.
+
+Both wings and the running-board on the off-side had been ripped off,
+and the front axle was bent by the side of the steering-pin. The off
+fore-wheel had apparently been struck on the tire, and the fact that
+neither of the fore-wheels had collapsed spoke volumes for their sturdy
+construction. The shock, however, had put the steering-gear out of
+action. So far as we could tell, that was the extent of the damage.
+Whether any further injuries would later appear, it was impossible to
+say.
+
+I crossed to the girls and Berry, who were seated disconsolate upon the
+bank on the opposite side of the road. Heavily I made my report.
+
+"There's only one thing to do," I concluded. "I must leg it to Marvel
+and see if I can raise a couple of mechanics, some tools, and a car. I
+can drive back with them, and then we can leave them here and all go on
+in the hireling to Hillingdon. We shan't get any lunch, but we'll be in
+time for the wedding, with luck. By the time we get back from Monk's
+Honour, if the fellows know their job, we ought to be able to get the
+Rolls to Marvel under her own power. From there she'll have to come up
+to Town by rail. And we can go back by the special, whenever it leaves."
+
+As I finished speaking, Jill gave a little cry, and I turned to see a
+small white scrap, way down the long white road, plodding wearily in our
+direction. It was our Champion. As he came nearer, it was obvious that
+he was much exhausted. More than once he stumbled, and a red tongue
+lolled from his gaping jaws; but his little tail was up, and, as he
+toiled gamely towards us, he wagged it to and fro by way of greeting. Of
+one accord we welcomed him with a cheer. Obviously gratified by our
+appreciation, Nobby smiled an unmistakable smile and, wagging his tail
+more vigorously than before, quickened his flagging steps. A moment
+later he thrust a dusty nose against my extended hand and, bowing his
+tousled head sideways by way of homage, rolled over on his back and lay
+panting in the shade at my feet.
+
+"Good little chap," said I, stroking his heaving flank. "It didn't take
+you long to get a move on."
+
+"You darling!" said Jill, stooping to caress him "The way you went after
+that car was just heroic."
+
+"I suppose," said Berry, "that if I were to suggest that he knew
+perfectly well that he couldn't catch it, and that it was nothing more
+than a brilliant display of eye-wash, I should be abused."
+
+"What a shame!" cried Daphne and Jill in a breath. "What a beastly
+shame!"
+
+"I said so," said Berry. "Now, if I'd got out and chased it, you'd have
+had me certified."
+
+"I agree," I retorted. "And if you were to offer to walk to Marvel
+instead of me, I should have you watched."
+
+"Don't be afraid," was the rejoinder. "The shock was severe, but I'm not
+as bad as that. How soon d'you think you'll be back?"
+
+I turned to my sister.
+
+"I'm banking on being able to get a car. But there mayn't be one. So, if
+you can get a lift, don't wait." I pointed to Nobby. "He'll want to come
+with me, so hang on to him. And if you could find some water"--I glanced
+at the oast-house--"I think he'd be glad of it."
+
+"All right, dear. Take it as easy as you can."
+
+A moment later I was striding along the Marvel road.
+
+By the time I had covered the two miles it was a quarter past one, and I
+was unpleasantly hot. I was also conscious of being improperly dressed
+in an unusually loose grey overcoat, tweed cap, striped cashmere
+trousers and patent-leather boots. I had taken off my morning coat and
+waistcoat before starting to walk, but the heat was awful, and my stiff
+white shirt and collar were wilting visibly....
+
+I was fortunate to obtain the services of two mechanics, but I must
+confess that my face fell when the only car that was available proved to
+be a 1908 Ford....
+
+As we drew up at the fatal corner, the others came out of the oast-house
+to see what was making the noise. When they beheld their conveyance,
+they were profoundly moved.
+
+"Do you mean to say," said Daphne, "that this is the best you could do?"
+
+I nodded.
+
+"And you'll have to look sharp if you want to be there before the
+service is over. One cylinder's missing."
+
+"So's the skid-pan," said Berry. "And where's the back seat? I beg your
+pardon--I'd got it the wrong way round. It is facing that way, isn't it?
+Yes. Oh, but what a line! What finish! You know, all it wants is a board
+with 'Ancient Lights' on the radiator, and somebody to close its doors
+one day in every year, and then, whenever the fowls lay in it, you can
+turn them out."
+
+During this eulogy Jonah had been busy transferring the hat-boxes from
+the Rolls, and two minutes later the mechanics had been given their
+instructions, and we were ready to start.
+
+I took the wheel, with Jonah sitting beside me. Daphne and Jill sat upon
+the back seat, and Berry, in a standing position, Nobby, the hat-boxes,
+and the buttonholes more than occupied the remaining space.
+
+"Right behind?" I inquired.
+
+"Anything but," said Berry. "Still, the door that will shut is closed,
+so carry on."
+
+As tenderly as I could, I let In the clutch.
+
+Instantly, with a frightful jerk, the car leapt forward.
+
+As it did so, Berry lost his balance and, with a yell of apprehension,
+fell heavily into the welter of hat-and bandboxes, the cardboard of
+which gave right and left. Construing his involuntary action as the
+demonstration of a new game, Nobby immediately leaped barking upon him
+and began to lick his face. Daphne and Jill clung to one another,
+convulsed with merriment and emitting such tremulous wails of laughter
+as the function of breathing would permit, while, with tears coursing
+down his cheeks, Jonah was trying to bellow a coherent description of
+the catastrophe into my ear. And all the time the good old car ground
+raving along the road, heaving herself over the macadam in a sickening
+series of lurches, to every one of which we found ourselves reluctantly
+compelled to conform....
+
+The bride was ten minutes late, and we beat her by a short head. As we
+were ushered, breathing heavily, into our places, there was a tell-tale
+stir at the porch, uprose the strains of a well-known hymn, the
+bridegroom glanced round and gave slightly at the knees, and the next
+moment his future wife had entered the aisle.
+
+Furtively I felt my collar and wiped the perspiration from my face....
+It was with something of a shock that, as the echoes of the "Amen" died
+away, I heard a familiar growl.
+
+Hastily I turned in my seat to see Nobby three paces away. With back
+arched, one fore-paw raised, and his white teeth bared, he was regarding
+the trousers of an amateur sidesman, who had set a foot upon the broken
+string which trailed from his collar, with a menacing glare....
+
+By the time I had bestowed the terrier under lock and key and returned
+to the church, Madrigal was signing her maiden name for the last time.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Five days later Berry received the following letter:--
+
+_SIR,_
+
+_Mr. Douglas Bladder of The Vines, Swete Rowley, has handed us your
+communication of the twenty-third inst._
+
+_We are instructed to say that, while there is no doubt that its number
+is LF 8057, Mr. Bladder's car did not leave the garage upon the day of
+the accident in which you were concerned, for the reason that he and his
+chauffeur were engaged in overhauling the engine._
+
+_It is therefore obvious that a mistake has been made, and that unless
+some other car was bearing his number, which you will agree is
+improbable, in the natural confusion of the moment the letters or
+figures or both upon the offender's number-plate were misread._
+
+_Our client wishes us to add that, while the tone of your letter is not
+such as he is accustomed to, he appreciates that it was written while
+you were smarting under a sense of grave injury, and was indeed intended
+for somebody other than himself._
+
+_Yours faithfully,_
+
+_BERTHEIM AND GROWTH._
+
+This being the quarter in which the wind was sitting, we made our
+dispositions accordingly.
+
+So far as the number of the car was concerned, Daphne and Jonah never
+wavered, and we were certain about its colour and style. Moreover, we
+were all agreed that, while the back seat was empty, there were two
+people in front, and that the one who was not driving was wearing a
+chauffeur's dress. Finally, the village of Swete Rowley lay but some
+twenty-two miles from the scene of the accident. But that was all. It
+was, of course, unthinkable that the offending car could have sustained
+no damage, but it was quite possible that it would have nothing more
+serious to show than a dented hub-cap and a battered wing; and, while
+hub-caps can be changed in five minutes, it is no great matter to
+straighten a bent wing, and any traces of battery which still survive
+can be unanswerably attributed to one or other of quite a variety of
+innocent mishaps.
+
+Inquiries were set afoot, and the moment we learned that Mr. Bladder in
+fact possessed a large green high-powered touring car, which he was in
+the habit of driving himself at a notorious pace, we threw down the
+glove. Solicitors were instructed, counsel's opinion was taken, an
+information was sworn before a Justice of the Peace, and within one week
+of the date of his solicitors' letter, Mr. Douglas Bladder had become
+the recipient of a writ for four hundred pounds damages and four
+separate summonses under the Motor Car Acts. We were out for blood.
+
+At Marvel's Police Court the defendant appeared by his solicitor, who
+asked that the hearing of the summonses might be adjourned, pending the
+action in the High Court. This request was granted.
+
+Everything possible was done to expedite matters, and by great good
+fortune the case of _Pleydell v. Bladder_ came into the Special Jury
+list during the last week of July.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+There is about the High Court a signal air of gravity which to the
+layman is most compelling. The majesty of the Law is not apparent: of
+severity there is but a suggestion: something, indeed, of dignity, but
+less than a visitor will expect to find: something of silence. These are
+but equerries, subordinate. The Lady Paramount is Consequence.
+
+Here seem to dwell those things that signify. Here lies that crucial
+junction which is at once the terminus of Cause, and of Effect the
+starting-point. Here are wise analysts, skilled to distil its meaning
+from the idle word, surgeons whose cunning probes will stir its motive
+from the deed, never so thoughtless. Whole walls of law books, ranged
+very orderly, calf-bound, make up a reverend pharmacopoeia, where you
+shall find precepts of iron, smelted from trespasses and old-time
+bickerings, whose long-dead authors, could they but come to life, would
+gape and stare and scratch their humble heads to find their modest names
+become so notable.
+
+Pursed lips, brows wrinkled in thought, and restless anxious eyes
+indorse the serious aspect of the place. The very bustle of counsel, the
+scurry of clerks, the dash of messengers, proclaim matters of moment to
+be afoot. The whispered consultation, the pregnant nod, the nervous
+litigant buttonholing his lawyer, his advisers urging a certain course
+upon an indignant suitor, the furtive fellowship of witnesses, the
+solemn tipstaves, the ushers commanding silence, and the still small
+voice of Justice, charge all the dusty atmosphere with such importance
+as ties up the ready tongues of chatterers, ushers the jest still-born,
+and renders the very self of Folly wide-eyed and breathless.
+
+Punctually at half-past ten his lordship entered the Court, returned the
+bows of counsel, and took his seat upon the Bench. With a sharp jingle
+the usher drew the green curtains across the door which led into the
+Judges' corridor, descended into the well of the Court, and looked
+complacently about him. Two or three cases were mentioned, the jury was
+sworn, and the Associate, after inquiring nonchalantly whether the
+King's Counsel were prepared, called on the case of _Pleydell against
+Bladder_, and sank back in his seat with a look of resignation.
+
+Daphne, Jonah, and Jill were seated behind the junior Bar, while Berry
+and I sat one upon either side of our attorney at the solicitors' table.
+Upon the same bench, a little further along, was sitting Mr. Bladder, a
+large bland gentleman, with an air of good-nature which in the
+circumstances was rather too pronounced to be natural, and a taste in
+dress which would have better become a younger and a slenderer man.
+
+Briefly our leader opened the case. There was little to be said, and he
+was on his feet for less than a quarter of an hour, but in that space of
+time he had presented to the jury so vivid a word-picture of the
+accident, and had dwelt so convincingly upon the facts which pointed to
+the defendant's guilt, that it was actually difficult to believe that
+the issue of the action was any longer in doubt, and I began to
+speculate upon the amount of damages we should be awarded. Such is the
+art of pleading.
+
+A plan of the spot at which the collision had taken place was produced
+and officially accepted by the defence. Then Jonah was called. He gave
+his evidence admirably, and all counsel's endeavours to shake his
+confidence regarding the identity of the number-plate were of no avail.
+Daphne followed her cousin. She was a little nervous at first, and the
+Judge requested her to raise her voice. She responded gallantly, and the
+conviction with which she told her story in corroboration of Jonah
+produced a noticeable effect upon the Court. The result of her
+cross-examination was in our favour. I came next. Counsel for the
+defence made a great effort to pin me to a certain estimate of the speed
+at which the offending car was moving, but I scented danger and refused
+to be tied down.
+
+It was considered unnecessary and not altogether expedient to expose our
+artless Jill to the mercies of our opponent's team, and, when I stepped
+down from the box, my brother-in-law's name was at once called by our
+junior counsel--
+
+"Major Pleydell."
+
+His examination-in-chief was very short. As was to be expected, he made
+an excellent witness. I began to wonder whether the defendant would be
+so foolish as to appeal....
+
+Perhaps because the cross-examination of his predecessors had been so
+barren, the leader for the defence rose to deal with Berry with a
+menacing air. He was a "silk," whose obvious confidence in his ability
+was shared by few. Influence rather than merit had, I was told, won his
+admission to the Inner Bar, and the supercilious manner which he
+continually observed towards the Bench afforded a first-class exhibition
+of particularly bad form.
+
+"This mysterious car," he began, "that we've all heard so much
+about--you say it was green?"
+
+"I do," said Berry.
+
+"What sort of green?"
+
+"A bilious green."
+
+There was a subdued titter, and one of the jurymen made no attempt to
+disguise his amusement. The frown upon counsel's face deepened.
+
+"Was it a light or dark green, sir?"
+
+"Light."
+
+"Might it have been grey?"
+
+"It might. It might have been a beautiful ruby pink. But it wasn't. It
+was just green."
+
+A second titter, more pronounced than before, ran round the Court, and
+counsel flushed angrily.
+
+"You have sworn that it was an open car?"
+
+"So it was."
+
+"And that there were two passengers?"
+
+"So there were."
+
+"And that the one who was not driving was wearing a chauffeur's
+uniform?"
+
+"So he was."
+
+"Listen. You saw its colour, you noticed its style, you swear to the
+number of passengers, and were actually able to observe how one of them
+was clad. How is it that you cannot speak to its number?"
+
+"I will tell you. I was sitting----"
+
+"On your oath, sir!"
+
+"No, on the back seat." There was more than a ripple of laughter, and
+the Judge shot a quick glance at counsel before removing his _pince-nez_
+and sitting back in his chair. "The heads and shoulders of Mrs. Pleydell
+and Captain Mansel, who were seated in front, obscured my view."
+
+"Wasn't it because the car was travelling too fast?"
+
+"Certainly not. They saw it."
+
+"That is a matter of opinion."
+
+"It is a matter of fact," was the retort.
+
+"It is easy to be rude, Major Pleydell."
+
+"I'll take your word for it."
+
+Counsel appealed to the Judge.
+
+"My lord, I must ask your lordship----"
+
+"I see no reason to interfere," was the cold reply.
+
+Counsel swallowed before proceeding. He was one of those who cannot let
+ill alone.
+
+"The truth is," he announced, as if byway or conclusion, "that your
+recollection of the whole matter is extremely hazy, isn't it?"
+
+For a moment Berry regarded him. Then he leaned back in the box and
+folded his arms.
+
+"You know," he said, slowly shaking his head, "you know, you can't be
+well."
+
+There was a roar of laughter.
+
+"Never mind my health, sir," was the heated reply.
+
+"Oh, but I do," said Berry. "If you were to burst or anything, I should
+be all upset, I should."
+
+Again the Court, which was now packed, rocked with merriment. The tone
+in which counsel put his next question reeked of the insolence of anger.
+
+"You consider your recollection clear?"
+
+"As daylight. Let me explain----"
+
+Counsel held up a deprecatory hand.
+
+"Pray spare us. There was, I believe, a lot of dust."
+
+"There was."
+
+"Any amount of it?"
+
+"Any amount. The road was thick with it."
+
+"And the air?"
+
+"Any amount of that, too. For a windless day, I never----"
+
+"No, no, _no_! Wasn't the air thick with dust?"
+
+"After the car had gone by--yes. It swallowed up the dog completely."
+
+"The dog?"
+
+Berry started and looked round uneasily.
+
+"Perhaps," he stammered, "I shouldn't have...."
+
+Counsel rose at the bait like a carp upon the tenth of April.
+
+"This is most interesting. You say the dust swallowed the dog?"
+
+"Yes, and the dog swallowed the dust. It was quite remarkable."
+
+Amid the tempest of laughter counsel stood glowering.
+
+"What dog are you referring to?"
+
+"A Sealyham. When the car had gone by, he jumped out into the dust it
+had made and ran after it."
+
+Hurriedly counsel conferred with his client.
+
+"Why didn't you mention this dog before?"
+
+"I didn't think it necessary."
+
+"Did you tell your solicitor about it?"
+
+"Yes. He didn't think it necessary, either."
+
+"Really! You know, I thought we should get at something presently. Now,
+if the defendant didn't happen to own a Sealyham, this would be rather a
+valuable piece of evidence to show that it wasn't his car, wouldn't it?"
+
+"I don't think so. You see----"
+
+"Come, come, sir. Up to now nothing has been said of the offending car
+which could not be said with equal truth of the defendant's."
+
+"I cordially agree."
+
+"Both are green, both open, both, according to your story, bear the same
+number."
+
+Berry nodded.
+
+"Unquestionably," he said.
+
+"Wait. Supposing the defendant swears that he has never had a Sealyham
+or any other kind of terrier?"
+
+"I don't know that I should believe him, but I shouldn't argue it.
+Perhaps he doesn't like dogs."
+
+"You'd accept his statement?"
+
+"For what it was worth."
+
+"Exactly. And if he had no terrier, it's quite obvious that the car out
+of which the Sealyham jumped was not his, but somebody else's?"
+
+"Undoubtedly," said Berry. "As a matter of fact, it was ours."
+
+The explosion of mirth which this statement provoked showed that his
+headlong progress towards the pit which he had digged had been gleefully
+followed by nearly everybody in Court, and counsel turned very pale.
+
+"Have you ever discussed this case with any one?"
+
+"I have."
+
+"Who with?"
+
+Berry took a deep breath.
+
+"Well, I haven't seen my dentist lately, but I think everybody else I
+know has had it."
+
+"Have you discussed it with the other witnesses?"
+
+"Ad nauseam."
+
+"Have you indeed? Perhaps that explains why you all tell the same tale?"
+
+"That," said Berry coolly, "is an infamous suggestion."
+
+Somebody gave an audible gasp, and there was a breathless silence.
+Sitting back in his padded chair, the Judge might have been a graven
+image.
+
+"Sir?" thundered counsel interrogatively.
+
+"And one beneath the dignity of even a stuff gown."
+
+For a long moment the two men looked one another full in the eyes. Then
+counsel sat down somewhat unsteadily....
+
+Berry was followed by an expert witness, called to substantiate our
+contention that two hundred pounds was a fair charge for the execution
+of such repairs to the Rolls as the accident had necessitated, and that
+another two hundred for the hire of a similar car for the month during
+which our own was in dock, was not excessive.
+
+As he stepped down from the box--
+
+"That, my lord," said our leader, "is the case for the plaintiff."
+
+It was a quarter to one when Berry's antagonist rose again to his feet.
+Shortly he opened his case. Nothing, he said, was more difficult to
+prove than a negative. But for one thing, it might have gone hard with
+an innocent man. Everything looked very black, but, as luck would have
+it, most fortunately for himself, Mr. Bladder could prove incontestably
+that upon the twenty-second of May his car never left its garage, for
+the very good reason that its engine was down. "I shall call the
+defendant, and I shall call before you his chauffeur. Both will tell you
+in detail that the dismantling of the engine was commenced at ten in the
+morning, and that by half-past twelve--a few minutes before the actual
+time of the accident--the operation was completed." That the plaintiff
+had suffered an injury he did not attempt to deny. As a fellow-motorist,
+he had Mr. Bladder's whole-hearted sympathy. His annoyance was
+justified, but he could not expect Mr. Bladder to pay the penalty for
+somebody else's misdeeds. He had no doubt that the witnesses honestly
+believed that they had correctly memorized the letters and figures upon
+the number-plate. It was his duty to satisfy the Court that they were
+mistaken....
+
+As he sat down, I realized that it was not going to be a walk-over.
+
+Mr. Douglas Bladder made a masterly witness. I have rarely seen a more
+accomplished liar. His regret was infinite. With horrified hands he
+deplored what he referred to as "the shocking affair." He thundered
+unsought denunciation of "the dastardly conduct of some fugitive cur."
+As a motorist, he "so well understood our feelings." But--at length and
+with a wealth of detail he described how he and his chauffeur had spent
+the twenty-second of May. With the exception of an hour for lunch, they
+had worked on the car in the garage from ten o'clock until five. "It
+seemed a shame," concluded the witness, "to waste such a beautiful day,
+but I had earmarked the twenty-second for the job, so we went through
+with it."
+
+A most dangerous thing in the hands of any witness, detail is seldom
+employed by the dishonest. It is not difficult safely to embroider a
+lie, but it apparently requires more thought, patience, and rehearsal
+than ninety-nine rogues out of a hundred are prepared to spend. It soon
+became unpleasantly clear that Mr. Bladder was the hundredth knave, and
+that in return for his labour he had a story to tell which was as
+excellent an imitation of the truth as you might reasonably expect to
+hear in six whole months of Sundays.
+
+I began to feel extremely uneasy.
+
+To make matters worse, he came through his cross-examination untouched.
+For every question put to him he had a good natural answer, and, when he
+stepped down from the box and the Court rose at five-and-twenty minutes
+past one, it was with something of a shock that I found myself wondering
+whether by any possible chance a mistake had been made, and we were
+pursuing an innocent man.
+
+Berry had engaged a table at the _Savoy_, and he and the others left
+immediately, for there was little time.
+
+I stayed for a moment to speak with our advisers.
+
+"It's no use disguising the fact," said counsel in a low tone, "that we
+are up against it. I believe that fellow to be a prize liar. He's too
+infernally suave. But he knows his job inside out, and he's shaken our
+case badly. I can't speak for the Judge, but he's impressed the jury,
+and you can't get away from it. If his chauffeur comes up to the
+scratch, I believe they'll stop the case." I groaned, and he touched me
+on the shoulder. "You go and get your lunch," he said.
+
+Heavily I made my way out of the building.
+
+I was waiting for the taxi to which I had signalled, when--
+
+"I observe," said a quiet voice, "that you don't remember me."
+
+I swung round to see a tall dark girl with grey-blue eyes and a charming
+smile regarding me amusedly. But a moment before I had passed her upon
+the steps, and, as I did so, wondered what was her business with the
+Supreme Court. I took off my hat. Now that I saw her properly, her face
+seemed faintly familiar.
+
+"Forgive me," I said. "I was preoccupied."
+
+The smile deepened.
+
+"I defy you to say where we have met before."
+
+I continued to rack my brain feverishly, but it was no good.
+
+"I can't concentrate," I said desperately. "I can tell you where we
+shall meet again all right."
+
+"That's not the point. Try Madrigal's wedding."
+
+"Of course. You were one of her bridesmaids."
+
+"That's better. How's Nobby?"
+
+The taxi was waiting, so I opened the door.
+
+"I'll tell you about him at lunch. We'll find the others at the
+_Savoy_."
+
+She hesitated.
+
+"It's very good of you, but---"
+
+"My sister," I said gravely, "would never forgive me."
+
+The next moment we were rocketing past St Clement Danes.
+
+"And now," said I, "what have you been doing in the Palace of Lies? What
+incorruptible judge have you corrupted with your smile? What jury have
+you bewitched with your small mouth? Or are you just a ward in
+Chancery?"
+
+My lady smiled.
+
+"What a pity," she said, "you can't remember my name! However will you
+introduce me?"
+
+"I shall call you Miss Prision of Treason," said I, "and chance it. And
+what may I say you were doing in yonder Fool's Paradise?"
+
+"You're very bitter and terribly inquisitive," said my companion.
+"Still, if you must know, I came down to be taken to hear a case. I've
+got a brother at the Bar, and the little wretch told me to meet him
+there, and he'd get me in to hear a motor-car case." I started. "Of
+course he never appeared, and I--my father was a K.C., so I'm not
+frightened--I just walked in and sat down in the first court I came to.
+It wasn't very interesting, but there were three judges. All in red,
+too. By the way, what's arson?"
+
+"Setting fire to a house. All on purpose like. But tell me. D'you know
+anything about the case you were to have heard?"
+
+"Only that the head of Paul's chambers is in it. That's how he knew it
+would be interesting."
+
+"Is he in Tristram's chambers?"
+
+"How on earth did you know?"
+
+As she spoke the taxi drew up at the entrance to the _Savoy_.
+
+"Oh, it's our precious case. That's all." I handed her out twittering.
+"Didn't you know we'd had a smash on the day of the wedding?"
+
+"I did hear something. You don't mean to say...."
+
+I paid the driver and hurried her into the hall.
+
+"If you want to be there," I said, "to see us go down, you'll have to
+have a pretty quick lunch."
+
+We joined the others to find them in a state of profound despondency. My
+companion was immediately recognized by my sister and Jill, but, to my
+relief, Berry and Jonah were not quite so quick in the uptake.
+
+"Came to hear our case," I explained, "and got swep' into the Court of
+Criminal Appeal."
+
+"Talk as you eat," said Berry. "Converse and masticate simultaneously.
+You know. Like you used to do before you knew me. What's Tristram got to
+say?"
+
+I swallowed a piece of salmon before replying.
+
+"Frankly pessimistic," I said.
+
+Berry raised his eyes to heaven and ground his teeth. A hard look came
+upon Jonah's face.
+
+"And we've got to sit there and watch that liar laugh in his sleeve," he
+said bitterly.
+
+"And pay his costs as well as our own," said I. "Jolly, isn't it?"
+
+Daphne touched me upon the arm, and I looked up She was very pale.
+
+"D'you think it's hopeless?"
+
+"I think, darling, we're up against it. And--and I'm terribly afraid."
+
+"I see," she whispered. "Need Jill and I go back?"
+
+"Jill needn't, but you must, dear. You're a witness."
+
+As I spoke, I shot a glance at my cousin. The latter was unburdening her
+soul to Madge Lacey, the quondam bridesmaid, and, to judge from such
+fragments of the load as reached my ears, uttering sufficient slander
+regarding Mr. Douglas Bladder to maintain another dozen actions at law.
+
+As some cold tongue was set before me--
+
+"Every thing was going so well," said Daphne miserably. "I thought Berry
+was splendid."
+
+"He was," said I, sousing my brandy with soda. "So were you, sweetheart.
+Nobody could have done more. And they don't disbelieve you and Jonah.
+They just think you've made a mistake."
+
+She nodded dully.
+
+"I don't blame them," she said slowly. "That man is so terribly clever.
+His whole attitude----"
+
+A cry from Jill interrupted her.
+
+"Daphne! Boy! She saw the car! On the way to the wedding. It nearly ran
+into her too. And Nobby running after it."
+
+"_What?_"
+
+Four mouths--three empty and one full of tongue--framed the
+interrogative simultaneously.
+
+"Mother and Dad and I," announced Miss Lacey, bubbling, "were driving to
+the wedding. As we turned out of Long Lane into the Buckler Road, a
+great green car went by like a flash of lightning. Fortunately we were
+on the other side, or we'd have been smashed up. And, miles behind,
+there was a little white dog running the same way. I saw him, because I
+was back to the engine. Of course we were going much faster than him,
+and I soon lost sight of him."
+
+Nobby!
+
+Berry was the first to recover.
+
+"Thank Heaven I dragged him in." He glanced at his watch. "Counsel must
+know this at once. Come on. Never mind the bill: we can settle later."
+
+No one who was that afternoon lunching at the _Savoy_ will ever forget
+our eruption from the restaurant. The girls actually ran. Berry, Jonah,
+and I, pursued by frantic waiters, thrust in their wake, taking the
+carpeted steps three at a time, and generally evincing such symptoms of
+nervous excitement as are seldom seen save upon the screen of a
+cinematograph. Indeed, our departure would have done credit to any stage
+manager, and I firmly believe that the majority of the guests attributed
+our behaviour to the ingenious brain of a manufacturer of films.
+
+Five minutes later we panted up the steep steps into the corridor which
+led to our Court. As luck would have it, our solicitor was in the act of
+pushing open the swing-doors.
+
+I caught him by the arm and breathed into his ear.
+
+"Important new evidence. Vital. We've got the witness here."
+
+He was a man of few words.
+
+"In there," he said shortly, pointing to a consulting room. "I'll get
+counsel."
+
+We trooped into the apartment and shut the door.
+
+In silence we waited for what seemed a century. Then there were hasty
+steps, the door opened, and the K.C., followed by his junior and the
+attorney, entered the room.
+
+Briefly Berry related the story which Miss Lacey could tell.
+
+"This is the lady," he concluded. "I know our case is closed, but surely
+she can be called?"
+
+We hung upon the reply.
+
+"Can she speak to the number?"
+
+"No. But in corroboration----"
+
+"My dear Major Pleydell," said Tristram, "you need no corroboration. The
+jury believe you. They believe you were smashed up. They believe it was
+done by a green touring car. The devil of it is, they believe the
+defendant too. And so they come to the very natural conclusion that,
+between the excitement of the moment and the pace at which the car was
+travelling, Mrs. Pleydell and Captain Mansel have made a mistake
+-perhaps only of one figure--in the number they saw. And, unless we can
+discredit that fellow's story, call evidence to show he _was_ out on
+that day, or something, I'm very much afraid we shall go down. His
+counsel Is certain to ask for the benefit of the doubt, and they'll give
+it him."
+
+I never remember feeling so disappointed.
+
+I think we all felt the weight of his words, but our collapse was
+pitiful. Lured by a treacherous hope into the belief that we were saved,
+we were fallen into a deeper Slough of Despond than before. Jill was
+hard put to it to restrain her tears....
+
+Listlessly we followed our advisers into Court, and a moment later the
+Judge took his seat.
+
+One or two applications, which did not concern our case, were made. Then
+leading counsel for the defence rose to his feet and called his next
+witness--
+
+"Walter Dale."
+
+At the sound of the name I started violently. Then, open-mouthed and
+trembling with excitement, I twisted myself round to get a glimpse of
+the witness as he approached the box. Could it be possible that Fate
+with fiendish irony had selected the ex-trooper whom we had befriended
+to administer to our case the _coup de grace_? It must be a man of
+another name. But Dale _was_ a chauffeur....
+
+There was a stir at the back of the crowded Court. Somebody was pushing
+his way forward. Somebody....
+
+It _was_ Dale.
+
+The short, stockily-built figure, that I had not seen for more than
+three years, stepped out of the ruck of onlookers and took its place in
+the witness-box.
+
+"Take the Book in your right hand...."
+
+It was the Associate's voice. As in a dream I heard the oath
+administered.
+
+"The truth.... The whole truth.... And nothing but the truth."
+
+Dale's lips moved and he kissed the Testament.
+
+He was very pale. As he laid the Book down, our eyes met, and he looked
+me full in the face. My heart began to thump violently.
+
+"Your name is Walter Dale?" said counsel.
+
+"Yes"--in a low voice.
+
+"Speak up, please, so that his lordship and the Jury may hear. You are a
+chauffeur in the employ of the defendant?"
+
+"Yes."
+
+"Do you remember the twenty-second of May?"
+
+"Yes, sir."
+
+"Now, I want you to tell the Court in your own words exactly what you
+did that day. First of all, on that day did your master's car leave the
+garage?"
+
+"Yes, it did."
+
+The Court gasped. Jurymen, counsel, officials, reporters--every one sat
+up as if they had been shot. Even the Judge started, and the defendant
+half rose from his seat and, when his solicitor laid a hand on his arm,
+sank back with bayed ferocity in his eyes and a face the colour of
+cigar-ash.
+
+"I don't think you quite understood my question," purred counsel. "On
+the twenty-second of May, the day of the accident to the plaintiff's
+car, did Mr. Bladder's car, of which you were in charge, leave the
+garage?"
+
+"Yes," said Dale sturdily, "it did."
+
+"You understand what you're saying?" said the Judge.
+
+"Yes, sir. An' if I was to say anythin' else, I'd not only be tellin' a
+lie, but I'd be doin' in the bes' friend as ever I 'ad." He pointed to
+me. "The Captain there. Little I knowed, when I took 'is
+money"--scornfully he nodded at the defendant--"'oo it was we run into
+that day. Twenty-five pound it was, an' another twenty-five if we won
+the case."
+
+"My lord," said counsel, protesting, "I----"
+
+The Judge held up his hand and turned to the witness.
+
+"Remember you are on your oath."
+
+"I do that, sir. It's gospel truth what I'm sayin'. The accident
+'appened exactly as you've 'eard them tell. 'E was drivin', an' me by
+'is side. Tore by 'em, we did, an' 'it 'em an' left 'em. Sends me up to
+Town for a new 'ub-cap the nex' day. Lettin' 'er out, 'e was, to see 'ow
+she'd run after the over'aul. That was the day before."
+
+He paused for lack of breath, and the Judge turned his head slowly and
+peered at counsel over the rim of his glasses.
+
+I was looking at the defendant.
+
+If any corroboration of Dale's story were needed, it was written upon
+his master's face for all to see. Guilt, fear, and beastly rage were
+horribly depicted. The close-set eyes shifted frantically from side to
+side. The mouth worked uncontrollably....
+
+As I looked, the fellow rose to his feet, swayed, put a hand to his
+throat, and stepped uncertainly towards the doors. The crowd parted, and
+he passed through....
+
+A thick voice shattered the silence.
+
+"In the circumstances your lordship will appreciate that I can carry my
+case no further."
+
+With a swish of silk, counsel resumed his seat.
+
+As was to be expected, the jury delivered its verdict without leaving
+the box. As the applause subsided--
+
+"I ask for judgment with costs," said Tristram.
+
+The Judge nodded.
+
+"And I direct," he said, "that the documents of the case be impounded
+and be sent to the Director of Public Prosecutions."
+
+Amid the buzz of excitement which succeeded his words, I felt a touch on
+my shoulder. Our leader was smiling.
+
+"Cast your bread upon the waters," he said. "For you shall find it after
+many days."
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER VII
+
+HOW JONAH OBEYED HIS ORDERS, AND DAPHNE AND KATHARINE FESTIVAL BACKED
+THE SAME HORSE.
+
+
+Berry laid down his knife and fork and raised his eyes to heaven.
+
+"This," he said, "is the frozen edge. I'm getting used to the distemper
+which is brought me in lieu of soup, and, although I prefer salmon
+cooked to raw, you may have noticed that I consumed my portion without a
+word. But this...." Contemptuously he indicated the severed _tournedos_
+upon his plate. "You know, they must have been using the lime-kiln.
+Nobody could get such a withered effect with an electric cooker. Oh, and
+look at our olive. Quick, before it shuts up."
+
+Jill began to shake with laughter.
+
+"I can't help it," said Daphne desperately. "I know it's awful, but what
+can we do?"
+
+"There must be some cooks somewhere," said I. "The breed isn't extinct.
+And they can't all be irrevocably suited. I always thought the Cooks'
+Brigade was one of the most mobile arms of domestic service."
+
+"I've done everything," said my sister, "except advertise. Katharine
+Festival put me off that. She says she spent seven pounds on
+advertisements and never got a single answer. But I've done everything
+else. I've asked everybody I know, my name's on the books of every
+registry office I've ever heard of, and I've written and sent stamped
+addressed envelopes to every cook whose name I've been given. Three out
+of about sixty have replied, saying they were already suited. One came
+here, practically said she'd come, and then wrote to say she was
+frightened of the electric cooker. And another wanted a hundred a year
+and a private bathroom. It's simply hopeless."
+
+"If," said Berry, "we survive this meal, I'll write to Jonah and tell
+him to bring one back with him. If he can't raise one in Paris, he ought
+to be shot. And now let's have a sweep on the savoury. I'll bet it
+tastes of paraffin and looks like a pre-War divvot."
+
+"Let's try advertising," said Jill. "Katharine mayn't have had a good
+one."
+
+"I agree," said I. "I'll get one out to-night. A real snorter."
+
+In silence the traces of the course which had provoked the outburst were
+removed, clean plates were set before us, and the footman advanced with
+a dish of nauseous-looking fritters.
+
+Daphne instinctively recoiled.
+
+"Hullo," said Berry. "Another gas attack?"
+
+With an effort my sister recovered herself and took one with a shaking
+hand. Loyally Jill followed her example, and, with tears running down
+her cheeks, induced a glutinous slab to quit the silver, to which it
+clung desperately.
+
+I declined the delicacy.
+
+With compressed lips the servant offered it to my brother-in-law.
+
+Berry shook his head.
+
+"Mother wouldn't like me to," he said. "But I can see it's very tasty."
+He turned to his wife. "What a wonderful thing perfume is! You know, the
+smell of burnt fat always makes me think of the Edgware Road at dusk."
+
+"Hush," said I, consulting the _menu_. "_De mortuis._ Those were banana
+fritters. That slimy crust enshrined the remains of a once succulent
+fruit."
+
+"What?" said Berry. "Like beans in amber? How very touching! I suppose
+undertakers are easier than cooks. Never mind. It's much cheaper. I
+shan't want to be reminded of food for several days now." He looked
+across the table to Daphne. "After what I've just seen, I feel I can
+give the savoury a miss. Do you agree, darling? Or has the fritter acted
+as an _aperitif_?"
+
+My sister addressed herself to Jill.
+
+"Don't eat it, dear. It's--it's not very nice." She rose. "Shall we go?"
+
+Gloomily we followed her into the library, where I opened all the
+windows and Berry lighted a huge cigar, in the hope of effacing the
+still pungent memory of the unsavoury sweet. Gradually it faded away....
+
+Three weeks had passed since the mistress of our kitchen, who had
+reigned uninterruptedly for seven years, had been knocked down by a taxi
+and sustained a broken leg. Simple though the fracture fortunately was,
+at least another nine weeks must elapse before she could attempt to
+resume her duties, and we were in evil case. Every day we became more
+painfully aware of the store which we had unconsciously set by
+decently-cooked food. As time went on, the physical and mental disorder,
+consequent upon Mrs. Mason's accident, became more and more pronounced.
+All topics of conversation became subservient to the burning question of
+filling the void occasioned by her absence. Worst of all,
+dissatisfaction was rampant in the servants' hall, and Daphne's maid had
+hinted broadly that, if a cook was not shortly forthcoming, resignations
+would be--an intimation which made us desperate. Moreover, in another
+month we were due to leave Town and repair to White Ladies. There, deep
+in the country, with no restaurants or clubs to fall back upon, we
+should be wholly at the mercy of whoever controlled the preparation of
+our food, and, unless the situation improved considerably, the prospect
+was far from palatable.
+
+Moodily I extinguished my cigarette and filled and lighted a pipe in its
+stead. Then I remembered my threat.
+
+Berry was writing a letter, so I extracted a sheet of notepaper from the
+left-hand drawer and, taking a pencil from my pocket, sat down on the
+sofa and set to work to compose an advertisement calculated to allure
+the most suspicious and _blasee_ cook that ever was foaled.
+
+Jill sat labouring with her needle upon a dainty tea-cloth, pausing now
+and again to hold a whispered and one-sided conversation with Nobby, who
+lay at inelegant ease supine between us. Perched upon the arm of a deep
+armchair, my sister was subjecting the space devoted by five daily
+papers to the announcement of "Situations Required" to a second and more
+leisurely examination.
+
+Presently she rose with a sigh and crossed to the telephone.
+
+We knew what was coming.
+
+Every night she and Katharine Festival communicated to one another their
+respective failures of the day. More often than not, these took the
+simple form of "negative information."
+
+She was connected immediately.
+
+"Hullo, that you, Katharine? ... Yes, Daphne. Any luck? ... Not much.
+You know, it's simply hopeless. What? ... 'Widow with two boys of seven
+and nine'? Thank you. I'd rather ... Exactly ... Well, I don't know. I'd
+give it up, only it's so awful ... Awful."
+
+"If she doesn't believe it, ask her to dinner," said Berry.
+
+"Shut up," said Daphne. "It's all right, Katharine. I was speaking to
+Berry ... Oh, he's fed to the teeth."
+
+"I cannot congratulate you," said her husband, "upon your choice of
+metaphor."
+
+My sister ignored the interruption.
+
+"Oh, rather ... His food means a lot to him, you know."
+
+"This," said her husband, "is approaching the obscene. I dine off tepid
+wash and raw fish, I am tormented by the production of a once luscious
+fillet deliberately rendered unfit for human consumption, and I am
+deprived of my now ravening appetite by the nauseating reek from the
+shock of whose assault I am still trying to rally my olfactory nerves.
+All this I endure with that unfailing good----"
+
+"Will you be quiet?" said his wife. "How can I---"
+
+"No, I won't," said Berry. "My finer feelings are outraged. And that
+upon an empty stomach. I shall write home and ask to be taken away. I
+shall----"
+
+"Katharine," said Daphne, "I can't hear you because that fool Berry is
+talking, but Boy's getting out an advertisement, and we're going to ...
+Oh, are you? I thought you said you'd given it up ... Another nineteen
+shillings' worth? Well, here's luck, anyway ... Yes, of course. But I
+daren't hope ... Good-bye." She replaced the receiver and turned to me.
+"Katharine's going to start advertising again."
+
+"Is she?" I grunted. "Well, I'll bet she doesn't beat this. Listen.
+
+_COOK, capable, experienced, is offered for three months abnormal wages,
+every luxury and a leisurely existence: electric cooker: constant hot
+water: kitchen-maid: separate bedroom: servants' hall: late breakfast:
+town and country: followers welcomed.--Mrs. Pleydell, 7, Cholmondeley
+Street, Mayfair: 'Phone, Mayfair 9999."_
+
+"That's the style," said Berry. "Let me know when it's going to appear,
+and I'll get a bedroom at the Club. When you've weeded the best out of
+the first hundred thousand, I'll come back and give the casting vote."
+
+From behind, my sister put her arms about my neck and laid her soft
+cheek against mine.
+
+"My dear," she murmured, "I daren't. Half the cooks in England would
+leave their situations."
+
+"So much the better," said I. "All's fair in love and war. I don't know
+which this is, but we'll call it 'love' and chance it. Besides," I added
+cunningly, "we must knock out Katharine."
+
+The light of battle leapt into my sister's eyes. Looking at it from her
+point of view, I realized that my judgment had been ill-considered.
+Plainly it was not a question of love, but of war--"and that most
+deadly." She drew her arms from my neck and stood upright.
+
+"Couldn't you leave out my name and just put 'Box So-and-so'?"
+
+I shook my head.
+
+"That's so intangible. Besides, I think the telephone number's a great
+wheeze." Thoughtfully she crossed to the fireplace and lighted a
+cigarette. "I'll send it to-morrow," I said.
+
+Suddenly the room was full of silvery laughter.
+
+From Berry's side at the writing-table Jill looked up sparkling.
+
+"Listen to this," she said, holding up the letter which my
+brother-in-law had just completed.
+
+_DEAR BROTHER,_
+
+_Incompetent bungler though you are, and bitter as has been my
+experience of your gaucherie in the past, I am once again about to prove
+whether out of the dunghill of inefficiency which, with unconscious
+humour, you style your 'mind' there can be coaxed a shred of reliability
+and understanding._
+
+_It is within your knowledge that some three weeks ago this household
+was suddenly deprived of the services of its cook. This out of a clear
+sky and, if we may believe the police, in one of those uncharted
+purlieus which shroud in mystery the source of the Cromwell Road. After
+four lean days your gluttonous instincts led you precipitately to
+withdraw to Paris, from whence, knowing your unshakable belief in the
+vilest forms of profligacy, I appreciate that lack of means must ere
+long enforce your return._
+
+_Therefore I write._
+
+_For twenty-two unforgettable sultry days we have endured the ghastly
+pleasantries of charwomen, better qualified to victual the lower animals
+than mankind. To call the first meal "breakfast" is sheer blasphemy:
+lunch is a hollow mockery: dinner, the abomination of desolation. I do
+what I can with grape-nuts and the gas-stove in the bathroom, but the
+result is unhappy, and last night the milk was too quick for me._
+
+_I therefore implore you to collect a cook in Paris without delay. Bring
+it with you when you come, or, better still, send it in advance,
+carriage paid. Luxury shall be heaped upon it. Its slightest whim shall
+be gratified, and it shall go to "the movies" at my expense, whenever I
+am sent tickets. Can generosity go further? Wages no object: fare paid
+back to Paris as soon as Mrs. Mason's leg can carry her._
+
+_Brother, I beseech you, take immediate action. The horror of our plight
+cannot be exaggerated. Do something--anything. Misrepresent facts,
+corrupt honesty, suborn the faithful, but--procure a cook._
+
+_My maw reminds me that it is the hour of grape-nuts, so I must go._
+
+_BERRY._
+
+_P.S.--If you can't raise one, I shouldn't come back. Just go to some
+high place and quietly push yourself off. It will be simpler and avoid a
+scene which would be painful to us both._
+
+"That's rather worse than the advertisement," said Daphne. "But, as
+Jonah is accustomed to your Interpretation of the art of letter-writing,
+I suppose it doesn't much matter."
+
+"When," said Berry, "you are making yourself sick upon _tete de veau en
+tortue_ and _crepes Suzette_, I shall remind you of those idle words."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+The advertisement appeared for the first time on Thursday morning.
+
+As I entered the dining-room at half-past nine--
+
+"It's in," said Jill. "On the front page."
+
+"Yes," said Berry, "it's most arresting. Applicants will arrive from all
+over the kingdom. It's inevitable. Nothing can stop them. Old and
+trusted retainers will become unsettled. The domestic upheaval will be
+unparalleled."
+
+I read the advertisement through. In cold print my handiwork certainly
+looked terribly alluring. Then I laid down the paper and strolled to the
+window. It had been raining, but now the sun was out, and the cool fresh
+air of the June morning was sweet and winsome. As I looked into the
+glistening street--
+
+"It's a bit early yet," continued Berry. "Give 'em a chance. I should
+think they'll start about ten. I wonder how far the queue will reach,"
+he added reflectively. "I hope the police take it past The Albert
+Memorial. Then they can sit on the steps."
+
+"Nonsense," said I a little uneasily. "We may get an answer or two
+to-morrow. I think we shall. But cooks are few and far between."
+
+"They won't be few and they'll be anything but far between by twelve
+o'clock." He tapped the provocative paragraph with an accusing finger.
+"This is a direct incitement to repair to 7, Cholmondeley Street, or as
+near thereto as possible----"
+
+"I wish to goodness we hadn't put it in," said Daphne.
+
+"It's done now," said her husband, "and we'd better get ready. I'll turn
+them down in the library, you can stand behind the what-not in the
+drawing-room and fire them from there, and Boy'd better go down the
+queue with some oranges and a megaphone, and keep on saying we're suited
+right up to the last."
+
+In silence I turned to the sideboard. It was with something of an effort
+that I helped myself to a thick slab of bacon which was obviously but
+half-cooked. From the bottom of a second dish a black and white egg,
+with a pale green yoke, eyed me with a cold stare. With a shudder I
+covered it up again.... After all, we did want a cook, and if we were
+bombarded with applications for the post, the probability of getting a
+good one was the more certain.
+
+As I took my seat--
+
+"Is Katharine's advertisement in?" I asked.
+
+My sister nodded.
+
+"She's put her telephone number, too."
+
+"Has she? She will be mad when she sees we've had the same idea."
+
+"Ah," said Berry. "I'd forgotten the telephone. That's another
+vulnerable spot. I shouldn't wonder if----"
+
+The sentence was never finished.
+
+The hurried stammer of the telephone bell made a dramatic irruption, and
+Jill, who was in the act of drinking, choked with excitement.
+
+In silence we listened, to be quite sure. A second prolonged vibration
+left no room for doubt.
+
+"They're off," said Berry.
+
+"I--I feel quite nervous," said Daphne. "Let Falcon answer it."
+
+But Jill was already at the door....
+
+Breathlessly we awaited her return.
+
+Nobby, apparently affected by the electricity with which the air was
+charged, started to relieve his feelings by barking stormily. The
+nervous outburst of reproof which greeted his eloquence was so
+unexpectedly menacing that he retired precipitately beneath the table,
+his small white tail clapped incontinently between his legs.
+
+The next moment Jill tore into the room.
+
+"It's a cook!" she cried in a tempestuous whisper. "It's a cook! She
+wants to speak to Daphne. It's a trunk call. She's rung up from
+Torquay."
+
+"Torquay!" I cried aghast. "Good Heavens!"
+
+"What did I say?" said Berry. My sister rose in some trepidation. "Two
+hundred miles is nothing. Have another hunk of toast. It was only made
+on Sunday, so I can recommend it."
+
+Daphne hastened from the room, with Jill twittering at her heels, and in
+some dudgeon I cut myself a slice of bread.
+
+Berry turned his attention to the Sealyham.
+
+"Nobby, my lad, come here."
+
+Signifying his delight at this restoration to favour by an unusually
+elaborate rotatory movement of his tail, the terrier emerged from his
+cover and humbled himself at his patron's feet. The latter picked him up
+and set him upon his knee.
+
+"My lad," he said, "this is going to be a momentous day. Cooks, meet to
+be bitten, are due to arrive in myriads. Be ruthless. Spare neither the
+matron nor the maid. What did Mr. Henry say in 1415?--
+
+This day is call'd the feast of Sealyham:
+She that outlives this day, and comes safe home,
+Will sit with caution when this day is named.
+And shudder at the name of Sealyham.
+She that shall live this day, and see old age,
+Will yearly on the razzle feast her neighbours,
+And say, 'To-morrow is Saint Sealyham':
+Then will she strip her hose and show her scars,
+And say, 'These wounds I had on Nobby's day.'
+Old cooks forget; yet all shall be forgot,
+But she'll remember with a flood of talk
+What feats you did that day."
+
+Nobby licked his face enthusiastically.
+
+Then came a swift rush across the hall, and Daphne and Jill pelted into
+the room.
+
+"She's coming up for an interview to-morrow," panted the latter. "Six
+years in her last place, but the people are going abroad. If we engage
+her, she can come on Monday. Sixty pounds a year."
+
+Daphne was beaming.
+
+"I must say I liked the sound of her. Very respectful she seemed. Her
+name's rather unusual, but that isn't her fault. Pauline Roper. I fancy
+she's by way of being an expert. She's got a certificate from some
+institute of cookery, and her sister's a trained nurse in Welbeck
+Street. That's why she wants to be in London. What's the return fare
+from Torquay?" she added. "I said I'd pay it, if I took up her
+reference."
+
+"Oh, something under five pounds," said Berry.
+
+"What!"
+
+"My dear," said her husband, "if the expenditure of that sum were to
+ensure me a breakfast the very sight of which did not make my gorge
+rise, I should regard it as a trustee investment."
+
+Reference to a time-table showed that the price of Pauline Roper's
+ticket would be two pounds nine shillings and fourpence halfpenny.
+
+Somewhat to our surprise and greatly to our relief, the day passed
+without another application for the post of cook, personal or otherwise.
+
+To celebrate the solitary but promising response to our S.O.S. signal,
+and the prospect which it afforded of an early deliverance from our
+state, we dined at the _Berkeley_ and went to the play.
+
+On returning home we found a telegram in the hall. It had been handed in
+at Paris, and ran as follows:
+
+_Cook called Camille Francois leaving for Cholmondeley Street to-morrow
+aaa can speak no English so must be met at Dover aaa boat due 4.15 aaa
+Jonah._
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+The train roared through Ashford, and Berry looked at his watch. Then he
+sighed profoundly and began to commune with himself in a low tone.
+
+"_Mille pardons, madame. Mais vous etes Camille Francois? Non? Quel
+dommage! Dix mille pardons. Adieu._ ... Deuce of a lot of 'milles,'
+aren't there? I wonder if there'll be many passengers. And will she come
+first-class, or before the mast? You know, this is a wild mare's chest,
+and that's all there is to it. We shall insult several hundred women,
+miss the cook, and probably lose Pauline into the bargain. What did I
+come for?"
+
+"Nonsense," said Jill stoutly. "Jonah's told her to look out for us."
+
+"I'll bet he never thought I should be fool enough to roll up, so she
+won't expect me. As a matter of fact, if he's described any one, he's
+probably drawn a lifelike word-picture of Daphne."
+
+"It's no good worrying," said I. "The only thing to do is to address
+every woman who looks in the least like a cook as she steps off the
+gangway. When we do strike her, Jill can carry on."
+
+"It's all very well," said Berry, "but what does a cook look like, or
+look least like, or least look like? I suppose you know what you mean."
+Jill began to shake with laughter. "She'll probably be all dressed up to
+give us a treat, and, for all we know, she may have a child with her,
+and, if she's pretty, it's a hundred to one some fellow will be seeing
+her off the boat. You can't rule out any one. And to accost strange
+women indiscriminately is simply asking for trouble. Understand this:
+when I've been knocked down twice, you can count me out."
+
+This was too much for Jill, who made no further efforts to restrain her
+merriment. Fixing her with a sorrowful look, my brother-in-law sank back
+in his corner with a resigned air.
+
+Jonah's telegram had certainly complicated matters.
+
+We had received it too late to prevent the dispatch of the cook whose
+services he had apparently enlisted. After a prolonged discussion we had
+decided that, while Daphne must stay and interview Pauline Roper, the
+rest of us had better proceed to Dover with the object of meeting the
+boat. It was obvious that Jill must go to deal with the immigrant when
+the latter had been identified, but she could not be expected to effect
+the identification. I was unanimously chosen for this responsible task,
+but I refused point-blank to make the attempt single-handed. I argued
+with reason that it was more than one man could do, and that the
+performance of what was, after all, a highly delicate operation must be
+shared by Berry. After a titanic struggle the latter gave in, with the
+result that Jill and he and I had left London by the eleven o'clock
+train. This was due to arrive at Dover at two minutes to one, so that we
+should have time for lunch and to spare before the boat came in.
+
+But that was not all.
+
+The coming of Jonah's _protegee_ made it impossible for my sister to
+engage Pauline Roper out of hand. Of course the latter might prove
+impossible, which, in a way, would simplify the position. If, as was
+more probable, she seemed desirable, the only thing to do was to pay her
+fare and promise to let her know within twenty-four hours whether we
+would engage her or not. That would give us time to discover whether
+Camille Francois was the more promising of the two.
+
+Whatever happened, it was painfully clear that our engagement of a cook
+was going to prove one of the most costly adventures of its kind upon
+which we had ever embarked.
+
+The train steamed into Dover one minute before its scheduled time, and
+we immediately repaired to the Lord Warden Hotel.
+
+Lunch was followed by a comfortable half-hour in the lounge, after which
+we decided to take the air until the arrival of the packet.
+
+Perhaps the most famous of the gates of England, Dover has always worn a
+warlike mien. Less formidable than renowned Gibraltar, there is a look
+of grim efficiency about her heights, an air of masked authority about
+the windy galleries hung in her cold grey chalk, something of Roman
+competence about the proud old gatehouse on the Castle Hill. Never in
+mufti, never in gaudy uniform, Dover is always clad in "service" dress.
+A thousand threats have made her porterage a downright office, bluntly
+performed. And so those four lean years, that whipped the smile from
+many an English hundred, seem to have passed over the grizzled Gate like
+the east wind, leaving it scatheless. About herself no change was
+visible. As we leaned easily upon the giant parapet of the Admiralty
+Pier, watching the tireless waves dance to the _cappriccio_ of wind and
+sun, there was but little evidence to show that the portcullis, recently
+hoist, had for four years been down. Under the shadow of the Shakespeare
+Cliff the busy traffic of impatient Peace fretted as heretofore. The
+bristling sentinels were gone: no craft sang through the empty air: no
+desperate call for labour wearied tired eyes, clawed at strained nerves,
+hastened the scurrying feet: no longer from across the Straits came
+flickering the ceaseless grunt and grumble of the guns. The wondrous
+tales of nets, of passages of arms, of sallies made at dawn--mortal
+immortal exploits--seemed to be chronicles of another age. The ways and
+means of War, so lately paramount, were out of sight. As in the days
+before, the march of Trade and caravan of Pleasure jostled each other in
+the Gate's mouth. Only the soldierly aspect of the place remained--Might
+in a faded surcoat, her shabby scabbard hiding a loose bright blade....
+
+The steamer was up to time.
+
+When four o'clock came she was well in sight, and at fourteen minutes
+past the hour the rattle of the donkey-engine came to a sudden stop, and
+a moment later the gangways were thrust and hauled into their respective
+positions.
+
+Berry and I stood as close to the actual points of disembarkation as
+convenience and discretion allowed, while Jill hovered excitedly in the
+background.
+
+As the passengers began to descend--
+
+"Now for it," said my brother-in-law, settling his hat upon his head. "I
+feel extremely nervous and more ill at ease than I can ever remember. My
+mind is a seething blank, and I think my left sock-suspender is coming
+down. However ... Of course, it is beginning to be forcibly what they
+call 'borne in upon' me that we ought to have brought some barbed wire
+and a turnstile. As it is, we shall miss about two-thirds of them.
+Here's your chance," he added, nodding at a stout lady with a green
+suit-case and a defiant glare. "I'll take the jug and bottle
+department."
+
+I had just time to see that the object of his irreverence was an angular
+female with a brown paper parcel and a tumbler, when my quarry gained
+_terra firma_ and started in the direction of the train.
+
+I raised my hat.
+
+"_Pardon, madame. Mais vous etes Camille_----"
+
+"Reeang," was the discomfiting reply. "Par de baggarge."
+
+I realized that an offer which I had not made had been rejected, and
+that the speaker was not of French descent.
+
+The sting of the rebuff was greatly tempered by the reception with which
+Berry's advances were met.
+
+I was too late to hear what he had said, but the resentment which his
+attempt had provoked was disconcertingly obvious.
+
+After fixing my brother-in-law with a freezing stare, his addressee
+turned as from an offensive odour and invested the one word she thought
+fit to employ with an essence of loathing which was terrible to hear.
+
+"Disgusting!"
+
+Berry shook his head.
+
+"The right word," he said, "was 'monstrous.'"
+
+He turned to accost a quiet-looking girl wearing an oil-silk gaberdine
+and very clearly born upon the opposite side of the Channel.
+
+With a sigh, I addressed myself to a widow with a small boy clad in a
+_pelerine_. To my embarrassment she proved to be deaf, but when I had
+stumblingly repeated my absurd interrogation, she denied the impeachment
+with a charming smile. During our exchange of courtesies the child stood
+staring at me with a finger deep in his mouth. At their conclusion he
+withdrew this and pointed it directly at my chin.
+
+"_Pourquoi s'est-il coupe, maman?_" he demanded in a piercing treble.
+
+The question was appropriate, but unanswerable.
+
+His mother lugged him incontinently away.
+
+Berry was confronting one of the largest ladies I have ever seen. As he
+began to speak, she interrupted him.
+
+"_Vous etes Meestair Baxtair, n'est-ce pas? Ah, c'est bien ca. J'avais
+si peur de ne pas vous trouver. Mais maintenant je suis tranquille. Mon
+mari me suit. Ah, le voila!_" She turned about, the better to beckon to
+a huge man with two bags and a hold-all. "_Pierre! Pierre_!"
+
+Beneath the avalanche of good-will Berry stood paralysed.
+
+Recognizing that something must be done, I sought to interfere.
+
+"Leave me alone," said Berry weakly. "I've--I've got off."
+
+It took all my energy and most of my French to convince his _vis-a-vis_
+that she was mistaken.
+
+During the interlude about fifteen "possibles" escaped us.
+
+I threw a despairing glance in Jill's direction, wiped the sweat from my
+brow, and returned to the attack.
+
+After four more failures my nerve began to go. Miserably I turned to my
+brother-in-law.
+
+He was in the act of addressing a smart-looking girl in black, bearing a
+brand-new valise and some wilting roses.
+
+Before she had had time to appreciate his inquiry there was a choking
+yell from the gangway, and a very dark gentleman, with an Italian cast
+of countenance, thrust his explosive way on to the pier.
+
+My knowledge of his native tongue was limited to _carissimo, spaghetti_,
+and one or two musical directions, but from the vehemence of his tone
+and the violence of his dramatic gestures it was plain that the torrent
+which foamed from his lips was both menacing and abusive. From the shape
+of the case which he was clutching beneath his left arm, I judged him to
+be an exponent of the guitar.
+
+Advancing his nose to within an inch and a half of Berry's chin he
+blared and raved like a maniac, alternately pointing to his shrinking
+_protegee_ and indicating the blue vault of heaven with frightful
+emphasis.
+
+Berry regarded him unperturbed. As he paused for breath--
+
+"In answer to your observations," he said, "I can only say that I am not
+a Mormon and have absolutely no connection with Salt Lake City. I may
+add that, if you are partial to garlic, it is a taste which I have never
+acquired. In conclusion, I hope that, before you reach the platform for
+which you are apparently making, you will stumble over one of the
+ridiculously large rings with which the quay is so generously provided,
+and will not only suffer the most hideous agony, but remain permanently
+lame as a result of your carelessness."
+
+The calm dignity with which he delivered this speech had an almost
+magical effect upon the jealous Latin. His bluster sank suddenly and
+died. Muttering to himself and staring at Berry as at a wizard, he
+seized the girl by the arm and started to move rapidly away, wide-eyed
+and ill at ease.... With suppressed excitement and the tail of my eye, I
+watched him bear down upon one of the stumbling-blocks to which Berry
+had referred. The accuracy with which he approached it was almost
+uncanny. I found myself standing upon one leg.... The screech of anguish
+with which he hailed the collision, no less than the precipitancy with
+which he dropped the guitar, sat down and began to rock himself to and
+fro, was irresistibly gratifying.
+
+The muscles about Berry's mouth twitched.
+
+"So perish all traitors," he said. "And now I don't know how you feel,
+but I've had about enough of this. My nerves aren't what they were.
+Something may snap any minute."
+
+With one accord we proceeded to rejoin Jill, who had been witnessing our
+humiliations from a safe distance, and was dabbing her grey eyes with a
+ridiculous handkerchief.
+
+As we came up, she started forward and pointed a trembling finger in the
+direction of the boat. Berry and I swung on our heels.
+
+Looking very well, Jonah was descending the gangway with a bored air.
+
+My brother-in-law and I stared at him as at one risen from the dead.
+Almost at once he saw us and waved airily.... A moment later he limped
+to where we were standing and kissed his sister.
+
+"I had an idea some of you'd turn up," he said coolly.
+
+Berry turned to me.
+
+"You hear?" he said grimly. "He had an idea some of us'd turn up. An
+idea ... I suppose a little bird told him. Oh, take me away, somebody,
+and let me die. Let me have one last imitation meal, and die. Where do
+they sell wild oats?"
+
+Jonah disregarded the interruption.
+
+"At the last moment," he said calmly, "I felt there might be some
+mix-up, so I came along too." He turned and nodded at a nervous little
+man who was standing self-consciously a few paces away and, as I now
+observed for the first time, carrying my cousin's dressing-case. "That,"
+he added, "is Camille."
+
+His momentous announcement rendered us speechless. At length--
+
+"You--you mean to say," I gasped, "that--that it's a man?"
+
+Jonah shrugged his shoulders.
+
+"Look at his trousers," he said.
+
+"But--but of course we expected a woman," cried Jill in a choking voice.
+"We can't have a _chef_."
+
+"Nothing," said Jonah, "was said about sex."
+
+Berry spoke in a voice shaken with emotion.
+
+"A man," he said. "A he-cook, called 'Camille.' And it actually occurred
+to you that 'there might be some mix-up.' You know, your intuition is
+positively supernatural. And it is for this," he added bitterly, "that I
+have dissipated in ten crowded minutes a reputation which it has taken
+years to amass. It is for this that I have deliberately insulted several
+respectable ladies, jeopardized the _Entente Cordiale_, and invited
+personal violence of a most unpleasant character. To do this I shall
+have travelled about a hundred and fifty miles, with the shade
+temperature at ninety, and lost what would have been an undoubtedly
+pleasant and possibly extremely fruitful day at Sandown Park. Don't be
+afraid. I wouldn't touch you for worlds. You're being reserved for some
+very special form of dissolution, you are. She-bears, or something. I
+should avoid woods, any way. And now I'm going home. To-morrow I shall
+start on a walking tour, with a spare sock and some milk chocolate, and
+try to forget. If that fails, I shall take the snail--I mean the veil."
+
+He turned on his heel and stalked haughtily in the direction of the boat
+train.
+
+Gurgling with merriment, Jill laid a hand on my arm.
+
+"Daphne will simply scream," she said.
+
+"If this little stunt has cost us Pauline," said I, "she won't leave it
+at that."
+
+We turned to follow my brother-in-law.
+
+Jonah beckoned to Camille.
+
+"_Venez. Restez pres de moi,_" he said.
+
+On arriving at Charing Cross we left Jonah and the cook to weather the
+Customs, and drove straight to Cholmondeley Street.
+
+As we entered the hall, my sister came flying out of the library.
+
+"Hello," she cried, "where's the cook? Don't say----"
+
+Berry uncovered.
+
+"_Pardon, madame,_" he said, "_mais vous etes Camille Franc_----That's
+your cue. Now you say 'Serwine!' Just like that. 'Serwine!' Put all the
+loathing you can into it--you'll find it can hold quite a lot--and fix
+me with a glassy eye. Then I blench and break out Into a cold sweat. Oh,
+it's a great game."
+
+"Poor old chap," said Daphne. "It must have been awful. But haven't you
+got her?"
+
+"It's a he!" cried Jill, squeaking with excitement. "It's a he. Jonah's
+bringing him----"
+
+"A _what_?" said my sister, taking a pace backward.
+
+"A male," said I. "You know. Like Nobby. Separate legs, and shaves on
+Thursdays."
+
+"Do you mean to say that it's a _chef_?"
+
+I nodded.
+
+My sister collapsed into a convenient chair and closed her eyes.
+Presently she began to shake with laughter.
+
+"It is droll, isn't it?" said Berry. "People wouldn't believe it. Fancy
+travelling a hundred and fifty miles to molest a lot of strange women,
+and then finding that for all the good you've done you might as well
+have spent the day advertising for 'The Lost Chord.'"
+
+My sister pulled herself together.
+
+"Thank goodness, I had the sense to engage Pauline," she announced.
+"Something told me I'd better. But I waited before taking up her
+reference, on the off-chance of this one being a marvel. Where is the
+wretched man?"
+
+"Jonah fetched up with him. He's stayed behind because of the Customs.
+They ought to be here any minute."
+
+"Well, there's no place for him to sleep here," said Daphne. "Fitch will
+have to look after him for tonight, and to-morrow he'll have to go
+back."
+
+Berry looked at his watch.
+
+"Five past seven," he said. "As the blighter's here, why not let him
+sub-edit the dinner to-night? It'll shorten his life, but it may save
+ours. You never know."
+
+My sister hesitated. Then--
+
+"He'll never do it," she said. "I can suggest it, but, if he's anything
+of a cook, he'll go off the deep end at once."
+
+"And give notice," said I. "Well, that's exactly what we want. Then we
+shan't have to fire him. He can just push off quietly to-morrow, Pauline
+will roll up on Monday, and everything will be lovely in the garden."
+
+"That's it," said Berry. "If he consents, well and good. If he declines,
+so much the better. It's a blinkin' certainty. Whichever happens, we
+can't lose."
+
+"All right," said Daphne. "I shall make Jonah tell him."
+
+It took Jonah and M. Francois longer to satisfy the officers of His
+Majesty's Customs and Excise than we had anticipated, and I had consumed
+a much-needed whisky and soda and was on the way to the bathroom when I
+heard them arrive.
+
+Before I had completed a leisurely toilet, it was all over.
+
+As we waited in the lounge of the _Carlton_ Grill for a table, which we
+had been too late to reserve, my sister related the circumstances which
+had led to the _debacle_.
+
+"The wretched little man didn't seem to take to the idea of starting in
+right away, but I explained that he needn't do any more than just run
+his eye over the _menu_, and that, as they were going to have the same
+dinner in the servants' hall, it really only amounted to looking after
+his own food.
+
+"Then I sent for Falcon, explained things, and told him to look after
+the man this evening, and that I was making arrangements for him to stay
+with Fitch over the garage. Then I had Mrs. Chapel up."
+
+"That, I take it," said Berry, "is the nymph lately responsible for the
+preparation of our food?"
+
+Daphne nodded.
+
+"I told her about Francois, and that, as he was here, he would help her
+with dinner to-night. I said he was very clever, and all that sort of
+thing, and that I wanted her to show him what she was cooking, and
+listen to any suggestions he had to make."
+
+"I suppose you added that he couldn't speak a word of English," said her
+husband.
+
+"Be quiet," said Daphne. "Besides, he can. Several words. Any way, she
+didn't seem over-pleased, but, as Pauline's coming on Monday, that
+didn't worry me. So I sent her away, and rang up Fitch and told him he
+must fix the Frenchman up for the night."
+
+"Did he seem over-pleased?"
+
+"I didn't wait to hear. I just rang off quick. Then I went up to dress.
+The next thing I knew was that they'd tried to murder each other, and
+that Camille had bitten William, and Nobby'd bitten Camille. I don't
+suppose we shall ever know exactly what happened."
+
+So far as we had been able to gather from the butler, who had
+immediately repaired to Daphne's room for instructions, and was
+labouring under great excitement, my sister's orders had been but
+grudgingly obeyed. Mrs. Chapel had been ill-tempered and obstructive,
+and had made no attempt to disguise her suspicion of the _chef_. The
+latter had consequently determined to be as nasty as the circumstances
+allowed, had eyed her preparations for dinner with a marked contempt,
+and had communed visibly and audibly with himself in a manner which it
+was impossible to mistake. Finally he had desired to taste the soup
+which she was cooking. Poor as his English was, his meaning was
+apparent, but the charwoman had affected an utter inability to
+understand what he said. This had so much incensed the Frenchman that
+the other servants had intervened and insisted on Mrs. Chapel's
+compliance with his request. With an ill grace she snatched the lid from
+the saucepan....
+
+Everything was now in train for a frightful explosion. In bitterness the
+fuse had been laid, the charge of passion was tamped, the detonator of
+spleen was in position. Only a match was necessary....
+
+Camille Francois, however, preferred to employ a torch.
+
+After allowing the fluid to cool, the Frenchman--by this time the
+cynosure of sixteen vigilant eyes--introduced a teaspoonful into his
+mouth....
+
+The most sanguine member of his audience was hardly expecting him to
+commend the beverage. Mrs. Chapel herself must have felt instinctively
+that no man born of woman would in the circumstances renounce such a
+magnificent opportunity of "getting back." Nobody, however, was
+apparently prepared for so vigorous and dramatic an appreciation of the
+dainty.
+
+For the space of two seconds the _chef_ held it cupped in his mouth.
+Then with an expression of deadly loathing, intensified by a horrible
+squint, he expelled the liquid on to the kitchen floor. Ignoring the
+gasp which greeted his action, he was observed to shrug his shoulders.
+
+"I veep my eyes," he announced, "for ze pore pig."
+
+Here the steady flood of the butler's narrative became excusably broken
+into the incoherence of rapids and the decent reticence of disappearing
+falls. Beyond the fact that Mrs. Chapel had swung twice to the jaw, and
+that Camille had replied with an ineffectual kick before they were
+dragged screaming apart, few details of the state of pandemonium that
+ensued came to our ears. I imagine that a striking _tableau vivant_
+somewhat on the lines of Meissonier's famous painting was unconsciously
+improvised. That three maids hardly restrained Mrs. Chapel, that the
+footman who sought to withhold Camille was bitten for his pains by the
+now ravening Frenchman, that the latter was only saved from the
+commission of a still more aggravated assault by the timely arrival of
+the butler, that Nobby, attracted by the uproar, contributed to the
+confusion first by barking like a demoniac and then by inflicting a
+punctured wound upon the calf of the alien's leg, we learned more by
+inference and deduction than by direct report. That our impending meal
+would be more than usually unappetizing was never suggested. That was
+surmise upon our part, pure and simple. The conviction, however, was so
+strong that the repast was cancelled out of hand.
+
+Mrs. Chapel was dismissed and straitly charged never to return. Camille
+was placed in the custody of the chauffeur and escorted to the latter's
+rooms above the garage, to be returned to France upon the following
+morning. Nobby was commended for his discrimination. Jonah was reviled.
+
+All this, however, took time. The respective dismissal and disposal of
+the combatants were not completed until long past eight, and it was
+almost nine before we sat down to dinner.
+
+"I think," said Daphne faintly, "I should like some champagne."
+
+Berry ordered the wine.
+
+It was abnormally hot, and the doors that were usually closed were set
+wide open.
+
+From the street faint snatches of a vibrant soprano came knocking at our
+tired ears.
+
+Mechanically we listened.
+
+"_When you come to the end of a perfect day...."_
+
+Berry turned to me.
+
+"They must have seen us come in," he said.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+It was with a grateful heart that I telegraphed the first thing on
+Saturday morning to Mrs. Hamilton Smythe of Fair Lawns, Torquay, asking
+_pro forma,_ whether Pauline Roper, now in her service, was sober,
+honest and generally to be recommended to be engaged as cook.
+
+As she had been for six years with the lady, and was only leaving
+because the latter was quitting England to join her husband in Ceylon,
+it was improbable that the reference would be unflattering. Moreover,
+Daphne had taken to her at once. Well-mannered, quiet, decently attired
+and respectful, she was obviously a long way superior to the ordinary
+maid. Indeed, she had admitted that her father, now dead, had been a
+clergyman, and that she should have endeavoured to obtain a position as
+governess if, as a child, she had received anything better than the
+rudest education. She had, she added, been receiving fifty pounds a
+year. Hesitatingly she had inquired whether, since the employment was
+only temporary, we should consider an increase of ten pounds a year
+unreasonable.
+
+"Altogether," concluded my sister, "a thoroughly nice-feeling woman. I
+offered her lunch, but she said she was anxious to try and see her
+sister before she caught her train back, so she didn't have any. I
+almost forgot to give her her fare, poor girl. In fact, she had to
+remind me. She apologized very humbly, but said the journey to London
+was so terribly expensive that she simply couldn't afford to let it
+stand over."
+
+We had lunched at Ranelagh, and were sitting in a quiet corner of the
+pleasant grounds, taking our ease after the alarms and excursions of the
+day before.
+
+Later on we made our way to the polo-ground.
+
+Almost the first person we saw was Katharine Festival.
+
+"Hurray," said Daphne. "I meant to have rung her up last night, but what
+with the Camille episode and dining out I forgot all about it. When I
+tell her we're suited, she'll be green with envy."
+
+Her unsuspecting victim advanced beaming. Being of the opposite sex, I
+felt sorry for her.
+
+"Daphne, my dear," she announced, "I meant to have rung you up last
+night. I've got a cook."
+
+The pendulum of my emotions described the best part of a semicircle, and
+I felt sorry for Daphne.
+
+"I am glad," said my sister, with an audacity which took my breath away.
+"How splendid! So've we."
+
+"Hurray," said Katharine, with a sincerity which would have deceived a
+diplomat. "Don't you feel quite strange? I can hardly believe it's
+really happened. Mine rejoices in the name of Pauline," she added.
+
+I started violently, and Berry's jaw dropped.
+
+"_Pauline?_" cried Daphne and Jill.
+
+"Yes," said Katharine. "It's a queer name for a cook, but----What's the
+matter?"
+
+"But so's ours! Ours is Pauline! What's her other name?"
+
+"Roper," cried Katharine breathlessly.
+
+"Not from Torquay?"--in a choking voice.
+
+Katharine nodded and put a trembling handkerchief to her lips.
+
+"I paid her fare," she said faintly. "It came to----"
+
+"Two pounds nine and four pence halfpenny," said my sister. "I gave her
+two pounds ten."
+
+"So did I," said Katharine. "She was to come on--on Monday."
+
+"Six years in her last place?" said Daphne shakily
+
+"Yes. And a clergyman's daughter," wailed Katharine.
+
+"Did--did you take up her reference?"
+
+"Wired last night," was the reply.
+
+In silence I brought two chairs, and they sat down.
+
+"But--but," stammered Jill, "she spoke from Torquay on Wednesday."
+
+"Did she?" said Berry. "I wonder."
+
+"Yes," said Katharine. "She did."
+
+"You know she did," said Daphne and Jill.
+
+"Who," said I, "answered the telephone?"
+
+"My parlourmaid did," said Katharine.
+
+"And Jill answered ours," said I. Then I turned to my cousin. "When you
+took off the receiver," I asked, "what did you hear?"
+
+"I remember perfectly," said Jill. "Exchange asked if we were Mayfair
+9999 and then said, 'You're through to a call-office.' Then Pauline
+spoke."
+
+"Precisely," said I. "But not from Torquay. In that case Exchange would
+have said, 'Torquay wants you,' or 'Exeter,' or something. Our Pauline
+rang up from London. She took a risk and got away with it."
+
+"I feel dazed," said Daphne, putting a hand to her head. "There must be
+some mistake. I can't believe----"
+
+"'A thoroughly nice-feeling woman,'" said Berry. "I think I should feel
+nice if I could make five pounds in two hours by sitting on the edge of
+a chair and saying I was a clergyman's daughter. And now what are we
+going to do? Shall we be funny and inform the police? Or try and stop
+Camille at Amiens?"
+
+"Now, don't you start," said his wife, "because I can't bear it. Jonah,
+for goodness' sake, get hold of the car, and let's go."
+
+"Yes," said Berry. "And look sharp about it. Time's getting on, and I
+should just hate to be late for dinner. Or shall we be reckless and take
+a table at Lockhart's?"
+
+We drove home in a state of profound melancholy.
+
+Awaiting our arrival was a "service" communication upon a buff sheet,
+bluntly addressed to "Pleydell."
+
+It was the official death-warrant of an unworthy trust.
+
+_Sir,_
+
+_I beg leave to inform you that your telegram handed in at the Grosvenor
+Street Post Office at 10.2 a.m. on the 26th June addressed to Reply paid
+Hamilton Smythe Fair Lawns Torquay has not been delivered for the reason
+indicated below._
+
+_ADDRESS NOT KNOWN._
+
+_I am, Sir,_
+
+_Your obedient Servant,_
+
+_W.B.,_
+
+_Postmaster._
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER VIII
+
+HOW JILL SLEPT UNDISTURBED, AND NOBBY ATTENDED CHURCH PARADE.
+
+
+"What d'you do," said Berry, "when you want to remember something?"
+
+"Change my rings," said Daphne. "Why?"
+
+"I only wondered. D'you find that infallible?"
+
+My sister nodded.
+
+"Absolutely," she said. "Of course, I don't always remember what I've
+changed them for, but it shows me there's something I've forgotten."
+
+"I see. Then you've only got to remember what that is, and there you
+are. Why don't I wear rings?"
+
+"Change your shoes instead," said I drowsily. "Or wear your waistcoat
+next to your skin. Then, whenever you want to look at your watch, you'll
+have to undress. That'll make you think."
+
+"You go and change your face," said Berry. "Don't wait for something to
+remember. Just go and do it by deed-poll. And then advertise it in _The
+Times_. You'll get so many letters of gratitude that you'll get tired of
+answering them."
+
+Before I could reply to this insult--
+
+"I suppose," said my sister, "this means that you can't remember
+something which concerns me and really matters."
+
+In guilty silence her husband prepared a cigar for ignition with the
+utmost care. At length--
+
+"I wouldn't go as far as that," he said. "But I confess that at the back
+of my mind, in, as it were, the upper reaches of my memory, there is a
+faint ripple of suggestion for which I cannot satisfactorily account.
+Now, isn't that beautifully put?"
+
+With a look of contempt, Daphne returned to the digestion of a letter
+which she had that morning received from the United States. Reflectively
+Berry struck a match and lighted his cigar. I followed the example of
+Jill and began to doze.
+
+With the exception of Jonah, who was in Somerset with the Fairies, we
+had been to Goodwood. I had driven the car both ways and was healthily
+tired, but the long ride had rendered us all weary, and the prospect of
+a full night and a quiet morrow was good to contemplate.
+
+On the following Tuesday we were going out of Town. Of this we were all
+unfeignedly glad, for London was growing stale. The leaves upon her
+trees were blown and dingy, odd pieces of paper crept here and there
+into her parks, the dust was paramount. What sultry air there was seemed
+to be second-hand. Out of the pounding traffic the pungent reek of oil
+and fiery metal rose up oppressive. Paint three months old was seamed
+and freckled. Look where you would, the silver sheen of Spring was dull
+and tarnished, the very stones were shabby, and in the summer sunshine
+even proud buildings of the smartest streets wore but a jaded look and
+lost their dignity. The vanity of bricks stood out in bold relief
+unsightly, dressing the gentle argument of Nature with such authority as
+set tired senses craving the airs and graces of the countryside and
+mourning the traditions of the children of men.
+
+"Adele," said Daphne suddenly, "is sailing next week."
+
+"Hurray," said Jill, waking up.
+
+"Liverpool or Southampton?" said I.
+
+"She doesn't say. But I told her to come to Southampton."
+
+"I expect she's got to take what she can get; only, when you're making
+for Hampshire, it seems a pity to go round by the Mersey."
+
+"I like Adele," said Berry. "She never seeks to withstand that feeling
+of respect which I inspire. When with me, she recognizes that she is in
+the presence of a holy sage, and, as it were, treading upon hallowed
+ground. Woman," he added, looking sorrowfully upon his wife, "I could
+wish that something of her piety were there to lessen your corruption.
+Poor vulgar shrew, I weep----"
+
+"She says something about you," said Daphne, turning over a sheet. "Here
+you are. _Give Berry my love. If I'd been with you at Oxford, when he
+got busy, I should just have died. All the same, you must admit he's a
+scream. I'm longing to see Nobby. He sounds as if he were a dog of real
+character...._"
+
+"Thank you," said her husband, with emotion. "Thank you very much. 'A
+scream,' I think you said. Yes. And Nobby, 'a dog of character.' I can't
+bear it."
+
+"So he is," said I. "Exceptional character."
+
+"I admit," said Berry, "he's impartial. His worst enemy can't deny that.
+His offerings at the shrine of Gluttony are just as ample as those he
+lays before the altar of Sloth."
+
+"All dogs are greedy," said Jill. "It's natural. And you'd be tired, if
+you ran about like him."
+
+"He's useful and ornamental and diverting," said I. "I don't know what
+more you want."
+
+"Useful?" said Berry, with a yawn. "Useful? Oh, you mean scavenging? But
+then you discourage him so. Remember that rotten fish in Brook Street
+the other day? Well, he was making a nice clean job of that, he was,
+when you stopped him."
+
+"That was a work of supererogation. I maintain, however, that nobody can
+justly describe Nobby as a useless dog. For instance----"
+
+The sudden opening of the door at once interrupted and upheld my
+contention.
+
+Into the room bustled the Sealyham, the personification of importance,
+with tail up, eyes sparkling, and gripped in his large mouth the letters
+which had just been delivered by the last post.
+
+As the outburst of feminine approval subsided--
+
+"Out of his own mouth," said I, "you stand confuted."
+
+Either of gallantry or because her welcome was the more compelling, the
+terrier made straight for my sister and pleasedly delivered his burden
+into her hands. Of the three letters she selected two and then, making
+much of the dog, returned a foolscap envelope to his jaws and instructed
+him to bear it to Berry. Nobby received it greedily, but it was only
+when he had simultaneously spun into the air, growled and, placing an
+emphatic paw upon the projecting end, torn the letter half-way asunder,
+that it became evident that he was regarding her return of the missive
+as a _douceur_ or reward of his diligence.
+
+With a cry my brother-in-law sprang to enlighten him; but Nobby, hailing
+his action as the first move in a game of great promise, darted out of
+his reach, tore round the room at express speed, and streaked into the
+hall.
+
+By dint of an immediate rush to the library door, we were just in time
+to see Berry slip on the parquet and, falling heavily, miss the terrier
+by what was a matter of inches, and by the time we had helped one
+another upstairs, the medley of worrying and imprecations which emanated
+from Daphne's bedroom made it clear that the quarry had gone to ground.
+
+As we drew breath in the doorway--
+
+"Get him from the other side!" yelled Berry, who was lying flat on his
+face, with one arm under the bed. "Quick! It may be unsporting, but I
+don't care. A-a-ah!" His voice rose to a menacing roar, as the rending
+of paper became distinctly audible. "Stop it, you wicked swine! D'you
+hear? _Stop it!_"
+
+From beneath the bed a further burst of mischief answered him....
+
+Once again feminine subtlety prevailed where the straightforward efforts
+of a man were fruitless. As I flung myself down upon the opposite side
+of the bed--
+
+"Nobby," said Jill in a stage whisper, "chocolates!"
+
+The terrier paused in his work of destruction. Then he dropped the
+mangled remains of the letter and put his head on one side.
+
+"Chocolates!"
+
+The next second he was scrambling towards the foot of the bed....
+
+I gathered together the _debris_ and rose to my feet.
+
+Nobby was sitting up in front of Jill, begging irresistibly.
+
+"What a shame!" said the latter. "And I haven't any for you. And if I
+had, I mightn't give you them." She looked round appealingly. "Isn't he
+cute?"
+
+"Extraordinary how that word'll fetch him," said I. "I think his late
+mistress must have----"
+
+"I'm sure she must," said Berry, taking the ruins of his correspondence
+out of my hand. "Perhaps she also taught him to collect stamps. And / or
+crests. And do you mean to say you've got no chocolates for him? How
+shameful! I'd better run round and knock up Gunter's. Shall I slip on a
+coat, or will the parquet do?"
+
+"There's no vice in him," I said shakily. "It was a misunderstanding."
+
+With an awful look Berry gingerly withdrew from what remained of the
+envelope some three-fifths of a dilapidated dividend warrant, which
+looked as if it had been immersed in water and angrily disputed by a
+number of rats.
+
+"It's--it's all right," I said unsteadily. "The company'll give you
+another."
+
+"Give me air," said Berry weakly. "Open the wardrobe, somebody, and give
+me air. You know, this is the violation of Belgium over again. The
+little angel must have been the mascot of a double-breasted Jaeger
+battalion in full blast." With a shaking finger he indicated the cheque.
+"Bearing this in mind, which would you say he was to-night--useful or
+ornamental?"
+
+"Neither the one, nor the other," said I. "Merely diverting."
+
+Expectantly my brother-in-law regarded the ceiling.
+
+"I wonder what's holding it," he said. "I suppose the whitewash has
+seized. And now, if you'll assist me downstairs and apply the usual
+restoratives, I'll forgive you the two pounds I owe you. There's a
+letter I want to write before I retire."
+
+Half an hour later the following letter was dispatched--
+
+_SIR,_
+
+_The enclosed are, as a patient scrutiny will reveal, the remains of a
+dividend warrant in my favour for seventy-two pounds five shillings._
+
+_Owing to its dilapidation, which you will observe includes the total
+loss of the date, signature and stamp, I am forced to the reluctant
+conclusion that your bankers will show a marked disinclination to honour
+what was once a valuable security._
+
+_Its reduction to the lamentable condition in which you now see it is
+due to the barbarous treatment it received at the teeth and claws of a
+dog or hound which, I regret to say, has recently frequented this house
+and is indubitably possessed of a malignant devil._
+
+_In fairness to myself I must add, first, that it was through no
+improvidence on my part that the domestic animal above referred to
+obtained possession of the document, and, secondly, that I made such
+desperate efforts to recover it intact as resulted in my sustaining a
+fall of considerable violence upon one of the least resilient floors I
+have ever encountered. If you do not believe me, your duly accredited
+representative is at liberty to inspect the many and various contusions
+upon my person any day between ten and eleven at the above address.
+Yours faithfully,_
+
+_etc._
+
+_P.S.--My cousin-german has just read this through, and says I've left
+out something. I think the fat-head is being funny, but I just mention
+it, in case._
+
+_P.P.S.--It's just occurred to me that the fool means I haven't asked
+you to send me another one. But you will, won't you?_
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+For no apparent reason I was suddenly awake.
+
+Invariably a sound sleeper, I lay for a moment pondering the phenomenon.
+Then a low growl from the foot of the bed furnished one explanation only
+to demand another.
+
+I put up a groping hand and felt for the dangling switch.
+
+For a moment I fumbled. Then from above my head a deeply-shaded lamp
+flung a sudden restricted light on to the bed.
+
+I raised myself on an elbow and looked at Nobby.
+
+His body was still curled, with his small strong legs tucked out of
+sight, but his head was raised, and he was listening intently.
+
+I put my head on one side and did the same....
+
+Only the hoot of a belated car faintly disturbed the silence.
+
+I looked at my wrist-watch. This showed one minute to one. As I raised
+my eyes, an impatient clock somewhere confirmed its tale.
+
+With a yawn I conjured the terrier to go to sleep and reached for the
+switch.
+
+As I did so, he growled again.
+
+With my fingers about the "push," I hesitated, straining my ears....
+
+The next moment I was out of bed and fighting my way into my
+dressing-gown, while Nobby, his black nose clapped to the sill of the
+doorway, stood tense and rigid and motionless as death.
+
+As I picked him up, he began to quiver, and I could feel his heart
+thumping, but he seemed to appreciate the necessity for silence, and
+licked my face noiselessly.
+
+I switched off the light and opened the door.
+
+There was a lamp burning on the landing, and I stepped directly to the
+top of the stairs.
+
+Except that there was a faint light somewhere upon the ground floor, I
+could see nothing, but, as I stood peering, the sound of a stealthy
+movement, followed by the low grumble of utterance, rose unmistakably to
+my ears. Under my left arm Nobby stiffened notably.
+
+For a moment I stood listening and thinking furiously....
+
+It was plain that there was more than one visitor, for burglars do not
+talk to themselves, and Discretion suggested that I should seek
+assistance before descending. Jonah was out of Town, the men-servants
+slept in the basement, the telephone was downstairs. Only Berry
+remained.
+
+The faint chink of metal meeting metal and a stifled laugh decided me.
+
+With the utmost caution I stole to the door of my sister's room and
+turned the handle. As I glided into the chamber--
+
+"Who's that?" came in a startled whisper.
+
+Before I could answer, there was a quick rustle, a switch clicked, and
+there was Daphne, propped on a white arm, looking at me with wide eyes
+and parted lips. Her beautiful dark hair was tumbling about her breast
+and shoulders. Impatiently she brushed it clear of her face.
+
+"What is it, Boy?"
+
+I laid a finger upon my lips.
+
+"There's somebody downstairs. Wake Berry."
+
+Slowly her husband rolled on to his left side and regarded me with one
+eye.
+
+"What," he said, "is the meaning of this intrusion?"
+
+"Don't be a fool," I whispered. "The house is being burgled."
+
+"Gurgled?"
+
+"Burgled, you fool."
+
+"No such word," said Berry. "What you mean is 'burglariously rifled.'
+And then you're wrong. Why, there's Nobby."
+
+I could have stamped with vexation.
+
+My sister took up the cudgels.
+
+"Don't lie there," she said. "Get up and see."
+
+"What?" said her husband.
+
+"What's going on."
+
+Berry swallowed before replying. Then--
+
+"How many are there?" he demanded.
+
+"You poisonous idiot," I hissed, "I tell you----"
+
+"Naughty temper," said Berry. "I admit I'm in the wrong but there you
+are. You see, it all comes of not wearing rings. If I did, I should have
+remembered that a wire came from Jonah just before dinner--it's in my
+dinner-jacket--saying he was coming up late to-night with Harry, and
+that if the latter couldn't get in at the Club, he should bring him on
+here. He had the decency to add 'Don't sit up.'"
+
+Daphne and I exchanged glances of withering contempt.
+
+"And where," said my sister, "is Harry going to sleep?"
+
+Her husband settled himself contentedly.
+
+"That," he said drowsily, "is what's worrying me."
+
+"Outrageous," said Daphne. Then she turned to me. "It's too late to do
+anything now. Will you go down and explain? Perhaps he can manage in the
+library. Unless Jonah likes to give up his bed."
+
+"I'll do what I can," I said, taking a cigarette from the box by her
+side.
+
+"Oh, and do ask if it's true about Evelyn."
+
+"Right oh. I'll tell you as I come back."
+
+"I forbid you," murmured her husband, "to re-enter this room."
+
+I kissed my sister, lobbed a novel on to my brother-in-law's back, and
+withdrew before he had time to retaliate. Then I stepped barefoot
+downstairs, to perform my mission.
+
+With the collapse of the excitement, Nobby's suspicion shrank into
+curiosity, his muscles relaxed, and he stopped quivering. So infectious
+a thing is perturbation.
+
+The door of the library was ajar, and the thin strip of light which
+issued was enough to guide me across the hall. The parquet was cold to
+the touch, and I began to regret that I had not returned for my
+slippers.
+
+As I pushed the door open--
+
+"I say, Jonah," I said, "that fool Berry----"
+
+It was with something of a shock that I found myself looking directly
+along the barrel of a .45 automatic pistol, which a stout gentleman,
+wearing a green mask, white kid gloves, and immaculate evening-dress,
+was pointing immediately at my nose.
+
+"There now," he purred. "I was going to say, 'Hands up.' Just like that.
+'Hands up.' It's so romantic. But I hadn't expected the dog. Suppose you
+put your right hand up."
+
+I shook my head.
+
+"I want that for my cigarette," I said.
+
+For a moment we stood looking at one another. Then my fat _vis-a-vis_
+began to shake with laughter.
+
+"You know," he gurgled, "this is most irregular. It's enough to make
+Jack Sheppard turn in his grave. It is really. However.... As an
+inveterate smoker, I feel for you. So we'll have a compromise." He
+nodded towards an armchair which stood by the window. "You go and sit
+down in that extremely comfortable armchair--sit well back--and we won't
+say any more about the hands."
+
+As he spoke, he stepped forward. Nobby received him with a venomous
+growl, and to my amazement the fellow immediately caressed him.
+
+"Dogs always take to me," he added. "I'm sure I don't know why, but it's
+a great help."
+
+To my mortification, the Sealyham proved to be no exception to the rule.
+I could feel his tail going.
+
+As in a dream, I crossed to the chair and sat down. As I moved, the
+pistol moved also.
+
+"I hate pointing this thing at you," said the late speaker. "It's so
+suggestive. If you'd care to give me your word, you know.... Between
+gentlemen...."
+
+"I make no promises," I snapped.
+
+The other sighed.
+
+"Perhaps you're right," he said. "Lean well back, please.... That's
+better."
+
+The consummate impudence of the rogue intensified the atmosphere of
+unreality, which was most distracting. Doggedly my bewildered brain was
+labouring in the midst of a litter of fiction, which had suddenly
+changed into truth. The impossible had come to pass. The cracksman of
+the novel had come to life, and I was reluctantly witnessing, in
+comparative comfort and at my own expense, an actual exhibition of
+felony enriched with all the spices which the cupboard of Sensation
+contains.
+
+The monstrous audacity of the proceedings, and the business-like way in
+which they were conducted, were almost stupefying.
+
+Most of the silver in the house, including a number of pieces, our
+possession of which I had completely forgotten, seemed to have been
+collected and laid in rough order upon rugs, which had been piled one
+upon the other to deaden noise. One man was taking it up, piece by
+piece, scrutinizing it with an eye-glass such as watchmakers use, and
+dictating descriptions and particulars to a second, who was seated at
+the broad writing-table, entering the details, in triplicate, in a large
+order-book. By his side a third manipulated a pair of scales, weighing
+each piece with the greatest care and reporting the result to the
+second, who added the weight to the description. Occasionally the latter
+paused to draw at a cigarette, which lay smouldering in the ash-tray by
+his side. As each piece was weighed, the third handed it to a fourth
+assistant, who wrapped it in a bag of green baize and laid it gently in
+an open suit-case. Four other cases stood by his side, all bearing a
+number of labels and more or less the worse for wear.
+
+All four men were masked and gloved, and working with a rapidity and
+method which were remarkable. With the exception of the packer, who wore
+a footman's livery, they were attired in evening-dress.
+
+"We find it easier," said the master, as if interpreting my thoughts,
+"to do it all on the spot. Then it's over and done with. I do hope
+you're insured," he added. "I always think it's so much more
+satisfactory."
+
+"Up to the hilt," said I cheerfully. "We had it all re-valued only this
+year, because of the rise in silver."
+
+"Splendid!"--enthusiastically. "But I'm neglecting you." With his left
+hand the rogue picked up an ash-tray and stepped to my side. Then he
+backed to the mantelpiece, whence he picked up and brought me a handful
+of cigarettes, laying them on the broad arm of my chair. "I'm afraid the
+box has gone," he said regretfully. "May I mix you a drink?"
+
+I shook my head.
+
+"I've had my ration. If I'd known, I'd have saved some. You see, I don't
+sit up so late, as a rule."
+
+He shrugged his shoulders.
+
+As he did so, my own last words rang familiarly in my ears: "I don't sit
+up so late" ... "Don't sit up." ...
+
+Jonah! He and Harry were due to arrive any moment!
+
+Hope leaped up within me, and my heart began to beat violently. I
+glanced at the silver, still lying upon the rugs. Slowly it was
+diminishing, and the services of a second suit-case would soon be
+necessary. I calculated that to complete the bestowal would take the
+best part of an hour, and began to speculate upon the course events
+would take when the travellers appeared. I began to pray fervently that
+Harry would be unable to get in at the Club....
+
+"Now, then, you three," said a reproving voice. "I'm surprised at you."
+
+Daphne!
+
+The rogues were trained to a hair.
+
+Before she was framed in the doorway, the cold steel of another weapon
+was pressing against my throat, and the master was bowing in her
+direction.
+
+"Madam, I beg that you will neither move nor cry out."
+
+My sister stood like a statue. Only the rise and fall of her bosom
+showed that she was alive. Pale as death, her eyes riveted on the
+speaker, who was holding his right hand markedly behind him, her unbound
+hair streaming over her shoulders, she made a beautiful and arresting
+picture. A kimono of softest apricot, over which sprawled vivid
+embroideries, here in the guise of parti-coloured dragons, there in that
+of a wanton butterfly, swathed her from throat to foot. From the mouths
+of its gaping sleeves her shapely wrists and hands thrust out snow-white
+and still as sculpture.
+
+For a moment all eyes were upon her, as she stood motionless.... Then
+the man with the eye-glass screwed it back into his eye, and resumed his
+dictation....
+
+The spell was broken.
+
+The packer left his work and, lifting a great chair bodily with apparent
+ease, set it noiselessly by my side.
+
+The master bowed again.
+
+"I congratulate you, madam, upon your great heart. I beg that you will
+join that gentleman."
+
+With a high head, My Lady Disdain swept to the spot indicated and sank
+into the chair.
+
+"Please lean right back.... Thank you."
+
+The cold steel was withdrawn from my throat, and I breathed more freely.
+
+Nobby wriggled to get to my sister, but I held him fast.
+
+"So it was burglars," said Daphne.
+
+"Looks like it," said I.
+
+I glanced at the leader, who had taken his seat upon the club-kerb. His
+right hand appeared to be resting upon his knee.
+
+"I think," said my sister, "I'll have a cigarette." I handed her one
+from the pile and lighted it from my own. As I did so--
+
+"_Courage,_" I whispered. "_Jonah ne tardera pas._"
+
+"I beg," said the spokesman, "that you will not whisper together. It
+tends to create an atmosphere of mistrust."
+
+My sister inclined her head with a silvery laugh.
+
+"You have a large staff," she said.
+
+"That is my way. I am not a believer in the lone hand. But there you
+are. _Quot homines, tot sententicae,"_ and with that, he spread out his
+hands and shrugged his broad shoulders.
+
+Daphne raised her delicate eyebrows and blew out a cloud of smoke.
+
+"'The fewer men,'" she quoted, "'the greater share of--_plunder_.'"
+
+The shoulders began to shake.
+
+"_Touche,_" was the reply. "A pretty thrust, madam. But you must read
+further on. 'And gentlemen in _Mayfair_ now abed Shall think themselves
+accursed they were not here.' Shall we say that--er--honours are easy?"
+And the old villain fairly rocked with merriment.
+
+Daphne laughed airily.
+
+"Good for you," she said. "As a matter of fact, sitting here, several
+things look extremely easy."
+
+"So, on the whole, they are. Mind you, lookers-on see the easy side. And
+you, madam, are a very privileged spectator."
+
+"I have paid for my seat," flashed my sister.
+
+"Royally. Still, deadhead or not, a spectator you are, and, as such, you
+see the easy side. Now, one of the greatest dangers that can befall a
+thief is avarice."
+
+"I suppose you're doing this out of charity," I blurted.
+
+"Listen. Many a promising career of--er--appropriation has come to an
+abrupt and sordid end, and all because success but whetted where it
+should have satisfied." He addressed my sister. "Happily for you, you do
+not sleep in your pearls. Otherwise, since you are here, I might have
+fallen... Who knows? As it is, pearls, diamonds and the emerald
+bracelets that came from Prague--you see, madam, I know them all--will
+lie upstairs untouched. I came for silver, and I shall take nothing
+else. Some day, perhaps..."
+
+The quiet sing-song of his voice faded, and only the murmur of the
+ceaseless dictation remained. Then that, too, faltered and died....
+
+For a second master and men stood motionless. Then the former pointed to
+Daphne and me, and Numbers Three and Four whipped to our side.
+
+Somebody, whistling softly, was descending the stairs....
+
+Just as it became recognizable the air slid out of a whistle into a
+song, and my unwitting brother-in-law invested the last two lines with
+all the mockery of pathos of which his inferior baritone voice was
+capable.
+
+"I'm for ever b-b-blowing b-b-bub-b-bles,
+B-blinkin' b-bub-b-bles in the air."
+
+He entered upon the last word, started ever so slightly at his
+reception, and then stood extremely still.
+
+"Bubbles be blowed," he said. "B-b-burglars, what? Shall I moisten the
+lips? Or would you rather I wore a sickly smile? I should like it to be
+a good photograph. You know, you can't touch me, Reggibald. I'm in
+balk." His eyes wandered round the room. "Why, there's Nobby. And what's
+the game? Musical Chairs? I know a better one than that." His eyes
+returned to the master. "Now, don't you look and I'll hide in the
+hassock! Then, when I say 'Cuckoo,' you put down the musket and wish.
+Then--excuse me."
+
+Calmly he twitched a Paisley shawl from the back of the sofa and crossed
+to his wife. Tenderly he wrapped it about her feet and knees. By the
+time he had finished a third chair was awaiting him, and Numbers Three
+and Four had returned to their work.
+
+"Pray sit down," drawled the master. "And lean well back.... That's
+right. You know, I'm awfully sorry you left your bed."
+
+"Don't mention it," said Berry. "I wouldn't have missed this for any
+thing. How's Dartmoor looking?"
+
+The fat rogue sighed.
+
+"I have not had a holiday," he said, "for nearly two years. And night
+work tells, you know. Of course I rest during the day, but it isn't the
+same."
+
+"How wicked! And they call this a free country. I should see your M.P.
+about it. Or wasn't he up when you called?"
+
+The other shook his head.
+
+"As a matter of fact," he said, "he was out of Town. George, give the
+gentleman a match." The packer picked up a match-stand and set it by
+Berry's side. "I'm so sorry about the chocolates. You see, I wasn't
+expecting----Hullo!"
+
+At the mention of the magical word Nobby had leapt from my unready grasp
+and trotted across to the fireplace. There, to my disgust and vexation,
+he fixed the master with an expectant stare, and then sat up upon his
+hindquarters and begged a sweatmeat.
+
+His favourer began to heave with merriment.
+
+"What an engaging scrap!" he wheezed, taking a chocolate from an
+occasional table upon which the contents of a dessert dish had
+apparently been emptied. "Here, my little apostate.... Well caught!"
+
+With an irrational rapidity the Sealyham disposed of the first comfit he
+had been given for more than six months. Then he resumed the attractive
+posture which he had found so profitable. Lazily his patron continued to
+respond....
+
+Resentfully I watched the procedure, endeavouring to console myself with
+the reflection that in a few hours Nature would assuredly administer to
+the backslider a more terrible and appropriate correction than any that
+I could devise.
+
+Would Jonah never come?
+
+I stole a glance at the clock. Five and twenty minutes to two. And when
+he did come, what then? Were he and Harry to blunder into the slough
+waist-high, as we had done? Impossible. There was probably a man
+outside--possibly a car, which would set them thinking. Then, even if
+the brutes got away, their game would be spoiled. It wouldn't be such a
+humiliating walk-over. Oh, why had Daphne come down? Her presence put
+any attempt at action out of the question. And why....
+
+A taxi slowed for a distant corner and turned into the street. For a
+moment it seemed to falter. Then its speed was changed clumsily, and it
+began to grind its way in our direction. My heart began to beat
+violently. Again the speed was changed, and the rising snarl choked to
+give way to a metallic murmur, which was rapidly approaching. I could
+hardly breathe.... Then the noise swelled up, hung for an instant upon
+the very crest of earshot, only to sink abruptly as the cab swept past,
+taking our hopes with it.
+
+Two-thirds of the silver had disappeared.
+
+Berry cleared his throat.
+
+"You know," he said, "this is an education. In my innocence I thought
+that a burglar shoved his swag in a sack and then pushed off, and did
+the rest in the back parlour of a beer-house in Notting Dale. As it is,
+my only wonder is that you didn't bring a brazier and a couple of
+melting-pots."
+
+"Not my job," was the reply. "I'm not a receiver. Besides, you don't
+think that all this beautiful silver is to be broken up?" The horror of
+his uplifted hands would have been more convincing if both of them had
+been empty. "Why, in a very little while, particularly if you travel,
+you will have every opportunity of buying It back again in open market."
+
+"But how comic," said Berry. "I should think you're a favourite at
+Lloyd's. D'you mind if I blow my nose? Or would that be a _casus
+belli_?"
+
+"Not at all"--urbanely. "Indeed, if you would care to give me your
+word...."
+
+Berry shook his head.
+
+"Honour among thieves?" he said. "Unfortunately I'm honest, so you must
+have no truck with me. Never mind. D'you touch cards at all? Or only at
+Epsom?"
+
+Beneath the green mask the mouth tightened, and I could see that the
+taunt had gone home. No man likes to be whipped before his underlings.
+
+Nobby profited by the master's silence, and had devoured two more
+chocolates before Berry spoke again--this time to me.
+
+"Gentleman seems annoyed," he remarked. "I do hope he hasn't
+misconstrued anything I've said. D'you think we ought to offer him
+breakfast? Of course, five is rather a lot, but I dare say one of them
+is a vegetarian, and you can pretend you don't care for haddock. Or they
+may have some tripe downstairs. You never know. And afterwards we could
+run them back to Limehouse. By the way, I wonder if I ought to tell him
+about the silver which-not. It's only nickel, but I don't want to keep
+anything back. Oh, and what about the dividend warrant? Of course it
+wants riveting and--er--forging, and I don't think they'd recognize it,
+but he could try. If I die before he goes, ask him to leave his address;
+then, if he leaves anything behind, the butler can send it on. I
+remember I left a pair of bed-socks once at Chatsworth. The Duke never
+sent them on, but then they were perishable. Besides, one of them
+followed me as far as Leicester. Instinct, you know. I wrote to _The
+Field_ about it." He paused to shift uneasily in his seat. "You know, if
+I have to sustain this pose much longer, I shall get railway spine or a
+hare lip or something."
+
+"Hush," said I. "What did Alfred Austin say in 1895?"
+
+"I know," said Berry. "'Comrades, leave me here a little, while as yet
+'tis early morn.' Precisely. But then all his best work was admittedly
+done under the eiderdown."
+
+The clock upon the wall was chiming the hour. Two o'clock.
+
+Would Jonah never come?
+
+I fancy the same query renewed its hammering at Berry's brain, for,
+after a moment's reflection, he turned to the master.
+
+"I don't wish to presume upon your courtesy," he said, "but will the
+executive portion of your night's work finish when that remaining
+treasure has been bestowed?"
+
+"So far as you are concerned."
+
+"Oh, another appointment! Of course, this 'summer time' stunt gives you
+another hour, doesn't it? Well, I must wish you a warmer welcome."
+
+"That were impossible," was the bland reply "Once or twice, I must
+confess, I thought you a little--er, equivocal, but let that pass. I
+only regret that Mrs. Pleydell, particularly, should have been so much
+inconvenienced."
+
+"Don't mention it," said Berry. "As a matter of fact, we're all very
+pleased to have met you. You have interested us more than I can say,
+with true chivalry you have abstained from murder and mutilation, and
+you have suffered me to blow my nose, when a less courteous visitor
+would have obliged me to sniff with desperate and painful regularity for
+nearly half an hour. Can generosity go further?"
+
+The rogue upon the club-kerb began to shake with laughter again.
+
+"You're a good loser," he crowed. "I'll give you that. I'm quite glad
+you came down. Most of my hosts I never see, and that's dull, you know,
+dull. And those I do are so often--er--unsympathetic. Yes, I shall
+remember to-night."
+
+"Going to change his rings," murmured Berry.
+
+"And now the highly delicate question of our departure is, I am afraid,
+imminent. To avoid exciting impertinent curiosity, you will appreciate
+that we must take our leave as artlessly as possible, and that the order
+of our going must be characterized by no unusual circumstance, such, for
+instance, as a hue and cry. Anything so vulgar as a scene must at all
+costs be obviated. Excuse me. Blake!"
+
+Confederate Number One stepped noiselessly to his side and listened in
+silence to certain instructions, which were to us inaudible.
+
+I looked about me.
+
+The last of the silver had disappeared. The packer was dismantling the
+scales as a preliminary to laying them in the last suit-case. The clerk
+was fastening together the sheets which he had detached from the flimsy
+order-book. Number Three had taken a light overcoat from a chair and was
+putting it on. And the time was six minutes past two....
+
+And what of Jonah? He and Harry would probably arrive about five minutes
+too late. I bit my lip savagely....
+
+Again the chief malefactor lifted up his voice.
+
+"It is my experience," he drawled, "that temerity is born, if not of
+curiosity, then of ignorance. Now, if there is one vice more than
+another which I deplore, it is temerity--especially when it is displayed
+by a host at two o'clock of a morning. I am therefore going to the root
+of the matter. In short, I propose to satisfy your very natural
+curiosity regarding our method of departure, and, incidentally, to show
+you exactly what you are up against. You see, I believe in prevention."
+His utterance of the last sentences was more silky than ever.
+
+"The constables who have passed this house since half-past twelve will,
+if reasonably observant, have noticed the carpet which, upon entering,
+we laid upon the steps. A departure of guests, therefore, even at this
+advanced hour, should arouse no more suspicion than the
+limousine-landaulette which has now been waiting for some nine minutes.
+
+"The lights in the hall will now be turned on, the front door will be
+opened wide, and the footman will place the suit-cases in the car, at
+the open door of which he will stand, while my colleagues and I--I need
+hardly say by this time unmasked--emerge at our leisure, chatting in a
+most ordinary way.
+
+"I shall be the last to enter the car--I beg your pardon. To-night I
+shall be the last but one"--for an instant he halted, as if to emphasize
+the correction--"and my entry will coincide with what is a favourable
+opportunity for the footman to assume the cap and overcoat which he must
+of necessity wear if his closing of the front door and subsequent
+occupation of the seat by the chauffeur are to excite no remark.... You
+see, I try to think of everything."
+
+He paused for a moment, regarding the tips of his fingers, as though
+they were ungloved. Then--
+
+"Your presence here presents no difficulty. Major and Mrs. Pleydell will
+stay in this room, silent ... and motionless ... and detaining the dog.
+You"--nonchalantly he pointed an extremely ugly trench-dagger in my
+direction--"will vouch with your--er--health for their observance of
+these conditions. Be good enough to stand up and place your hands behind
+you."
+
+With a glance at Berry, I rose. All things considered, there was nothing
+else to be done.
+
+The man whom he had addressed as "Blake" picked up Nobby and, crossing
+the room, laid the terrier in Berry's arms. Then he lashed my wrists
+together with the rapidity of an expert.
+
+"Understand, I take no chances." A harsh note had crept into the even
+tones. "The slightest indiscretion will cost this gentleman extremely
+dear."
+
+I began to hope very much that my brother-in-law would appreciate the
+advisability of doing as he had been told.
+
+"George, my coat." The voice was as suave as ever again. "Thank you. Is
+everything ready?"
+
+Berry stifled a yawn.
+
+"You don't mean to say," he exclaimed, "that you're actually going? Dear
+me. Well, well.... I don't suppose you've a card on you? No. Sorry. I
+should have liked to remember you in my prayers. Never mind. And you
+don't happen to know of a good plain cook, do you? No. I thought not.
+Well, if you should hear of one...."
+
+"Carry on."
+
+Blake laid a hand on my shoulder and urged me towards the door. As I was
+going, I saw the master bow.
+
+"Mrs. Pleydell," he said, "I have the honour----Dear me! There's that
+ridiculous word again. Never mind--the honour to bid _adieu_ to a most
+brave lady."
+
+With a faint sneer my sister regarded him. Then--
+
+"_Au revoir,_" she said steadily.
+
+"So long, old bean," said Berry. "See you at Vine Street."
+
+As I passed into the hall, the lights went up and a cap was clapped on
+to my head and pulled down tight over my eyes. Then I was thrust into a
+corner of the hall, close to the front door. Immediately this was
+opened, and I could hear everything happen as we had been led to expect.
+Only there was a hand on my shoulder....
+
+I heard the master coming with a jest on his lips.
+
+As he passed me, he was speaking ostensibly to one of his comrades ...
+ostensibly....
+
+"I shouldn't wait up for Jonah," he said.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Thanks to the fact that one of the Assistant Commissioners of Police was
+an old friend of mine, we were spared much of the tedious interrogation
+and well-meant, but in the circumstances utterly futile, attentions of
+the subordinate officers of the C.I.D.
+
+Admission to the house had been gained without breaking, and there were
+no finger-prints. Moreover, since our visitors had worn masks, such
+descriptions of them as we could give were very inadequate. However,
+statements were taken from my sister, Berry and myself, and the spurious
+telegram was handed over. The insurance company was, of course, informed
+of the crime.
+
+Despite the paucity of detail, our description of the gang and its
+methods aroused tremendous excitement at Scotland Yard. The master, it
+appeared, was a veritable Prince of Darkness. Save that he existed, and
+was a man of large ideas and the utmost daring, to whose charge half the
+great unplaced robberies of recent years were, rightly or wrongly, laid,
+little or nothing was known of his manners or personality.
+
+"I tell you," said the Assistant Commissioner, leaning back and tilting
+his chair, "he's just about as hot as they make 'em. And when we do take
+him, if ever we do--and that might be to-morrow, or in ten years'
+time--we might walk straight into him next week with the stuff in his
+hands; you never know--well, when we do take him, as like as not, he'll
+prove to be a popular M.P., or a recognized authority on livestock or
+something. You've probably seen him heaps of times in St. James's, and,
+as like as not, he's a member of your own Club. Depend upon it, the old
+sinner moves in those circles which you know are above suspicion. If
+somebody pinched your watch at Ascot, you'd never look for the thief in
+the enclosure, would you? Of course not. Well, I may be wrong, but I
+don't think so. Meanwhile let's have some lunch."
+
+For my sister the ordeal had been severe, and for the thirty hours
+following the robbery she had kept her bed. Berry had contracted a
+slight cold, and I was not one penny the worse. Jill was overcome to
+learn what she had missed, and the reflection that she had mercifully
+slept upstairs, while such a drama was being enacted upon the ground
+floor, rendered her inconsolable. Jonah was summoned by telegram, and
+came pelting from Somerset, to be regaled with a picturesque account of
+the outrage, the more purple features of which he at first regarded as
+embroidery, and for some time flatly refused to believe. As was to be
+expected, Nobby paid for his treachery with an attack of biliousness,
+the closing stages of which were terrible to behold. At one time it
+seemed as if no constitution could survive such an upheaval; but,
+although the final convulsion left him subdued and listless, he was as
+right as ever upon the following morning.
+
+The next Sunday we registered what was to be our last attendance of
+Church Parade for at least three months.
+
+By common consent we had that morning agreed altogether to eschew the
+subject of crime. Ever since it had happened we had discussed the great
+adventure so unceasingly that, as Berry had remarked at breakfast, it
+was more than likely that, unless we were to take an immediate and firm
+line with ourselves, we should presently get Grand Larceny on the brain,
+and run into some danger of qualifying, not only for admission to
+Broadmoor, but for detention in that institution till His Majesty's
+pleasure should be known. For the first hour or two which followed our
+resolution we either were silent or discussed other comparatively
+uninteresting matters in a preoccupied way; but gradually lack of
+ventilation began to tell, and the consideration of the robbery grew
+less absorbent.
+
+As we entered the Park at Stanhope Gate--
+
+"Boy, aren't you glad Adele's coming?" said Jill.
+
+I nodded abstractedly.
+
+"Rather."
+
+"You never said so the other night."
+
+"Didn't I?"
+
+"I suppose, if she comes to Southampton, you'll go to meet her. May I
+come with you?"
+
+"Good heavens, yes. Why shouldn't you?"
+
+"Oh, I don't know. I thought, perhaps, you'd rather...."
+
+I whistled to Nobby, whose disregard of traffic was occasionally
+conducive to heart failure. As he came cantering up--
+
+"Adele isn't my property," I said.
+
+"I know, but...."
+
+"But what?"
+
+"I've never seen Nobby look so clean," said Jill, with a daring
+irrelevance that took my breath away.
+
+"I observe," said I, "that you are growing up. Your adolescence is at
+hand. You are fast emerging from the chrysalis of girlish innocence,
+eager to show yourself a pert and scheming butterfly." My cousin
+regarded me with feigned bewilderment. "Yes, you've got the baby stare
+all right, but you must learn to control that little red mouth. Watch
+Daphne."
+
+Jill made no further endeavour to restrain the guilty laughter which was
+trembling upon her lips.
+
+"I b-believe you just love her," she bubbled.
+
+I thought very rapidly. Then--
+
+"I think we all do," said I. "She's very attractive."
+
+"I mean it," said Jill.
+
+"So do I. Look at her ears. Oh, I forgot. Hides them under her hair,
+doesn't she? Her eyes, then."
+
+"I observe," said Jill pompously, "that you are sitting up and taking
+notice. Your adol--adol--er--what you said, is at hand. You are emerging
+from the chrysalis of ignorance----"
+
+"This is blasphemy. You wicked girl. And what are you getting at?
+Matchmaking or only blackmail?"
+
+"Well, it's time you got married, isn't it? I don't want you to, dear,
+but I know you've got to soon, and--and I'd like you to be happy."
+
+There was a little catch in her voice, and I looked down to see her eyes
+shining.
+
+"Little Jill," I said, "if I marry six wives, I shall still be in love
+with my cousin--a little fair girl, with great grey eyes and the
+prettiest ways and a heart of the purest gold. And now shall we cry here
+or by The Serpentine?"
+
+She caught at my arm, laughing.
+
+"Boy, you're very----Oh, I say! Where's Nobby?"
+
+We had reached the Achilles Statue, and a hurried retrospect showed me
+the terrier some thirty paces away, exchanging discourtesies with an
+Aberdeen. The two were walking round each other with a terrible
+deliberation, and from their respective demeanours it was transparently
+clear that only an immediate distraction could avert the scandal of a
+distressing brawl.
+
+Regardless of my surroundings, I summoned the Sealyham in my "parade"
+voice. To my relief he started and, after a menacing look at his
+opponent, presumably intended to discourage an attack in rear,
+cautiously withdrew from his presence and, once out of range, came
+scampering in our direction.
+
+My brother-in-law and Daphne, whom we had outdistanced, arrived at the
+same time.
+
+As I was reproving the terrier--
+
+"The very people," said a familiar voice.
+
+It was the Assistant Commissioner, labouring under excitement which he
+with difficulty suppressed. He had been hurrying, and was out of breath.
+
+"I want you to cross the road and walk along by the side of The Row," he
+said jerkily. "If you see anyone you recognize, take off your hat. And,
+Mrs. Pleydell, you lower your parasol."
+
+"But, my dear chap," said Berry, "they were all masked."
+
+"Well, if you recognize a voice, or even----"
+
+"A voice? My dear fellow, we're in the open air. Besides, what jury----"
+
+"For Heaven's sake," cried the other, "do as I ask I I know it's a
+chance in a million. Think me mad, call me a fool--anything you like ...
+but go."
+
+His earnestness was irresistible.
+
+I whistled to Nobby--who had seized the opportunity of straying,
+apparently by accident, towards a bull-terrier--and started to stroll in
+the direction of The Row. Jill walked beside me, twittering, and a
+glance over my shoulder showed me my sister and Berry a horse's length
+behind. Behind them, again, came the Assistant Commissioner.
+
+We crossed the road and entered the walk he had mentioned.
+
+It was a beautiful day. The great sun flamed out of a perfect sky, and
+there was little or no wind. With the exception of a riding-master and
+two little girls The Row was empty, but the walk was as crowded as a
+comfortably filled ball-room, if you except the dancers who are sitting
+out; for, while three could walk abreast with small inconvenience either
+to others or themselves, there was hardly a seat to spare.
+
+I have seen smarter parades. It was clear that many _habitues_ had
+already left Town, and that a number of visitors had already arrived.
+But there was apparent the same quiet air of gaiety, the same good
+humour which fine feathers bring, and, truth to tell, less _ennui_ and
+more undisguised enjoyment than I can ever remember.
+
+Idly I talked with Jill, not thinking what I said nor noticing what she
+answered, but my heart was pounding against my ribs, and I was glancing
+incessantly from side to side in a fever of fear lest I should miss the
+obvious.
+
+Now and again I threw a look over my shoulder. Always Berry and Daphne
+were close behind. Fervently I wished that they were in front.
+
+I began to walk more slowly....
+
+Suddenly I realized that I was streaming with sweat.
+
+As I felt for my handkerchief--
+
+"Look at Nobby," said Jill. "Whatever's he doing?"
+
+I glanced at my cousin to follow the direction of her eyes.
+
+_Nobby was sitting up, begging, before a large elderly gentleman who was
+seated, immaculately dressed, some six paces away. He was affecting not
+to see the terrier, but there was a queer frozen look about his broad
+smile that set me staring. Even as I gazed he lowered his eyes and
+lifting a hand from his knee, began to regard the tips of his fingers,
+as though they were ungloved...._
+
+For a second I stood spellbound.
+
+Then I took off my hat.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER IX
+
+HOW ADELE FESTE ARRIVED, AND MR. DUNKLESBAUM SUPPED WITH THE DEVIL.
+
+
+"There she is!" cried Jill.
+
+"Where?" said I, screwing up my eyes and peering eagerly at the crowded
+taffrails.
+
+"There, Boy, there. Look, she's seen us. She's waving."
+
+Hardly I followed the direction of my cousin's pink index finger, which
+was stretched quivering towards the promenade deck.
+
+"Is that her in blue?"
+
+But a smiling Jill was already nodding and waving unmistakably to the
+tall slim figure, advances which the latter was as surely returning with
+a cheerly wave of her slight blue arm. Somewhat sheepishly I took off my
+hat.
+
+Adele Feste had arrived.
+
+More than fifteen months had elapsed since we had reluctantly seen her
+into the boat-train at Euston and wished her a safe journey to her
+American home. At the time, with an uneasiness bred of experience, I had
+wondered whether our friendship was to survive the battery of time and
+distance, or whether it was destined to slip into a decline and so,
+presently, out of our lives, fainting and painless. Touch, however, had
+been maintained by a fitful correspondence, and constant references to
+Miss Feste's promised visit to White Ladies--a consummation which we one
+and all desired--were made for what they were worth. Finally my sister
+sat down and issued a desperate summons. "My dear, don't keep us waiting
+any longer. Arrive in August and stay for six months. If you don't, we
+shall begin to believe what we already suspect--that we live too far
+away." The thrust went home. Within a month the invitation had been
+accepted, with the direct result that here were Jill and I, at six
+o'clock of a pleasant August evening, standing upon a quay at
+Southampton, while the Rolls waited patiently, with Fitch at her wheel,
+a stone's throw away, ready to rush our guest and ourselves over the odd
+fifteen miles that lay between the port and White Ladies.
+
+With us in the car we could take the inevitable cabin trunk and
+dressing-case. Adele's heavy baggage was to be consigned to the care of
+Fitch, who would bring it by rail the same evening to Mockery Dale, the
+little wayside station which served five villages and our own among
+them.
+
+Nobody from the quay was allowed to board the liner, and none of the
+passengers were allowed to disembark, until the baggage had been
+off-loaded. For the best part, therefore, of an hour and a half Jill and
+I hovered under the shadow of the tall ship, walking self-consciously up
+and down, or standing looking up at the promenade deck with, so far as I
+was concerned, an impotently fatuous air and, occasionally, the
+meretricious leer usually reserved for the photographer's studio.
+
+At last--
+
+"If they don't let them off soon," I announced, "I shall break down. The
+strain of being cordial with somebody who's in sight, but out of
+earshot, is becoming unbearable. Let's go and have a breather behind the
+hutment." And I indicated an erection which looked like a ticket-office
+that had been thrown together during the Crimean War.
+
+But Jill was inexorable.
+
+"It can't be long now," she argued, "and if we go away----There!" She
+seized my arm with a triumphant clutch. "Look! They're beginning to get
+off."
+
+It was true. One by one the vanguard of passengers was already
+straggling laden on to the high gangway. I strained my eyes for a
+glimpse of the slight blue figure, which had left the taffrail and was
+presumably imprisoned in the press which could be observed welling out
+of a doorway upon the main deck....
+
+A sudden and violent stress upon my left hand at once reminded me of
+Nobby's existence, and suggested that of a cat. Mechanically I held fast
+to the lead, at the opposite end of which the Sealyham was choking and
+labouring in a frenzied endeavour to molest a sleek tabby, which, from
+the assurance of its gait, appeared to be a _persona grata_ upon the
+quay. The attempted felony attracted considerable attention, which
+should have been otherwise directed, with the result that a clergyman
+and two ladies were within an ace of being overrun by an enormous
+truckload of swaying baggage and coarsely reviled by a sweating Hercules
+for their pains. As it was, the sudden diversion of the trolley
+projected several pieces of luggage on to the quay, occasioning an
+embryo stampede of the bystanders and drawing down a stern rebuke,
+delivered in no measured terms, from a blue-coated official, who had not
+seen what had happened, upon the heads of innocent and guilty alike. The
+real offender met my accusing frown with the disarming smile of childish
+innocence, and, when I shook my head, wagged his tail unctuously. As I
+picked him up and put him under my arm--
+
+"So this is Nobby," said Adele.
+
+I uncovered and nodded.
+
+"And he had a bath this morning, so as to be all nice and clean when
+Miss Feste arrived. I did, too."
+
+"How reckless!" said Adele. "You look very well on it."
+
+"Thank you," said I, shaking hands. "And you look glorious. Hullo!
+You've let your hair grow. I am glad."
+
+"Think it's an improvement?"
+
+"If possible."
+
+The well-marked eyebrows went up, the bright brown eyes regarded me
+quizzically, the faint familiar smile hung maddeningly on the red lips.
+
+"Polite as ever," she flashed.
+
+"Put it down to the bath," said I. "Cleanliness is next
+to--er--devotion."
+
+"Yes, and he's been counting the days," broke in Jill. "He has really.
+Of course, we all have. But----Oh, Adele, I'm so glad you've come."
+
+Adele drew my cousin's arm within her own.
+
+"So'm I," she said quietly. "And now--I did have a dressing-case once.
+And a steamer-trunk.... D'you think it's any good looking for them?"
+
+Twenty minutes later we were all three--four with Nobby--on the front
+seat of the Rolls, which was nosing its way gingerly out of the town.
+
+"I wonder if you realize," said Adele, "what a beautiful country you
+live in."
+
+At the moment we were immediately between an unpleasantly crowded tram
+and a fourth-rate beerhouse.
+
+"Don't you have trams?" said I. "Or does alcohol mean so much to you? I
+suppose prohibition is a bit of a jar."
+
+"To tell you the truth, I was thinking of the Isle of Wight. It looked
+so exquisite as we were coming in. Just like a toy continent out of a
+giant's nursery."
+
+"Before the day is out," I prophesied, "you shall see finer things than
+that."
+
+Once clear of the streets, I gave the car her head.
+
+For a while we slid past low-lying ground, verdant and fresh and
+blowing, but flat and sparsely timbered, with coppices here and there
+and, sometimes, elms in the hedgerows, and, now and again, a parcel of
+youngster oaks about a green--fair country enough at any time, and at
+this summer sundown homely and radiant. But there was better to come.
+
+The car fled on.
+
+Soon the ground rose sharply by leaps and bounds, the yellow road
+swerving to right and left, deep tilted meadows on one side with a
+screen of birches beyond, and on the other a sloping rabble of timber,
+whose foliage made up a tattered motley, humble and odd and bastard,
+yet, with it all, so rich in tender tones and unexpected feats of
+drapery that Adele cried that it was a slice of fairyland and sat with
+her chin on her shoulder, till the road curled up into the depths of a
+broad pine-wood, through which it cut, thin, and dead straight, and
+cool, and strangely solemn. In a flash it had become the nave of a
+cathedral, immense, solitary. Sombre and straight and tall, the walls
+rose up to where the swaying roof sobered the mellow sunshine and only
+let it pass dim and so, sacred. The wanton breeze, caught in the maze of
+tufted pinnacles, filtered its chastened way, a pensive organist,
+learned to draw grave litanies from the boughs and reverently voice the
+air of sanctity. The fresh familiar scent hung for a smokeless incense,
+breathing high ritual and redolent of pious mystery. No circumstance of
+worship was unobserved. With one consent birds, beasts and insects made
+not a sound. The precious pall of silence lay like a phantom cloud,
+unruffled. Nature was on her knees.
+
+The car fled on.
+
+Out of the priestless sanctuary, up over the crest of the rise, into the
+kiss of the sunlight we sailed, and so on to a blue-brown moor, all
+splashed and dappled with the brilliant yellow of the gorse in bloom and
+rolling away into the hazy distance like an untroubled sea. So for a
+mile it flowed, a lazy pomp of purple, gold-flecked and glowing. Then
+came soft cliffs of swelling woodland, rising to stay its course with
+gentle dignity--walls that uplifted eyes found but the dwindled edge of
+a far mightier flood that stretched and tossed, a leafy waste of
+billows, flaunting more living shades of green than painters dream of,
+laced here and there with gold and, once in a long while, shot with
+crimson, rising and falling with Atlantic grandeur, till the eye
+faltered, and the proud rich waves seemed to be breaking on the rosy
+sky.
+
+And over all the sun lay dying, his crimson ebb of life staining the
+firmament with splendour, his mighty heart turning the dance of Death to
+a triumphant progress, where Blood and Flame rode by with clouds for
+chargers, and Earth and Sky themselves shouldered the litter of their
+passing King.
+
+An exclamation of wonder broke from Adele, and Jill cried to me to stop.
+
+"Just for a minute, Boy, so that she can see it properly."
+
+Obediently I slowed to a standstill. Then I backed the great car and
+swung up a side track for the length of a cricket-pitch. The few cubits
+thus added to our stature extended the prospect appreciably. Besides, it
+was now unnecessary to crane the neck.
+
+At last--
+
+"If you're waiting for me to say 'Go,'" said Adele, "I shouldn't. I'm
+quite ready to sit here till nightfall. It's up to you to tear me away."
+
+I looked at Jill.
+
+"Better be getting on," I said. "The others'll be wondering where we
+are."
+
+She nodded.
+
+We did not stop again till the car came to rest easily before the great
+oak door, which those who built White Ladies hung upon its tremendous
+hinges somewhere in the 'forties of the sixteenth century.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+"It is my duty," said Berry, "to inform you that on Wednesday I shall
+not be available."
+
+"Why?" said my wife.
+
+"Because upon that day I propose to dispense justice in my capacity of a
+Justice of the Peace. I shall discriminate between neither rich nor
+poor. Beggars and billionaires shall get it equally in the neck.
+Innocent and guilty alike----"
+
+"That'll do," said Daphne. "What about Thursday?"
+
+"Thursday's clear. One moment, though. I had an idea there was something
+on that day." For a second he drummed on the table, clearly cudgelling
+his brains. Suddenly, "I knew it," he cried. "That's the day of the
+sale. You know. Merry Down. I don't know what's the matter with my
+memory. I've got some rotten news."
+
+"What?"
+
+Daphne, Jill, Jonah and I fired the question simultaneously.
+
+"A terrible fellow's after it. One Dunkelsbaum. Origin doubtful--very.
+Last known address, Argentina. Naturalized in July, 1914. Strictly
+neutral during the War, but managed to net over a million out of cotton,
+which he sold to the Central Powers _at a lower price than Great Britain
+offered_ before we tightened the blockade. Never interned, of course.
+Well, he tried to buy Merry Down by private treaty, but Sir Anthony
+wouldn't sell to him. They say the sweep's crazy about the place and
+that he means to have it at any price. Jolly, isn't it?"
+
+There was a painful silence.
+
+Merry Down was the nearest estate to White Ladies, and was almost as
+precious to us as our own home. For over two centuries a Bagot had
+reigned uninterruptedly over the rose-red mansion and the spreading
+park, the brown water and the waving woods--a kingdom of which we had
+been free since childhood. Never an aged tree blew down but we were told
+of it, and now--the greatest of them all was falling, the house of Bagot
+itself.
+
+One of the old school, Sir Anthony had stood his ground up to the last.
+The War had cost him dear. His only son was killed in the first months.
+His only grandson fell in the battles of the Somme. His substance, never
+fat, had shrunk to a mere shadow of its former self. The stout old heart
+fought the unequal fight month after month. Stables were emptied, rooms
+were shut up, thing after thing was sold. It remained for a defaulting
+solicitor to administer the _coup de grace_....
+
+On the twelfth day of August, precisely at half-past two, Merry Down was
+to be sold by auction at _The Fountain Inn_, Brooch.
+
+Berry's news took our breath away.
+
+"D'you mean to say that this is what I fought for?" said I. "For this
+brute's peaceful possession of Merry Down?"
+
+"Apparently," said my brother-in-law. "More. It's what Derry Bagot and
+his boy died for, if you happen to be looking at it that way."
+
+"It'll break Sir Anthony's heart," said Daphne.
+
+"But I don't understand," said Adele. "How--why is it allowed?"
+
+"I must have notice," said Berry, "of that question."
+
+"Have you ever heard," said Jonah, "of the Society for the Prevention of
+Cruelty to Alien Enemies?"
+
+Adele shook her head.
+
+"I think you must have," said Jonah. "Some people call it the British
+Nation. It's been going for years."
+
+"That's right," said I. "And its motto is 'Charity begins at Home.'
+There's really nothing more to be said."
+
+"I could cry," announced Jill, in a voice that fully confirmed her
+statement. "It's just piteous. What would poor Derry say? Can't anything
+be done?"
+
+Berry shrugged his shoulders.
+
+"If half what I've heard is true, Merry Down is as good as gone. The
+fellow means to have it, and he's rich enough to buy the county itself.
+Short of assassination, I don't see what anybody can do. Of course, if
+you like, you can reproduce him in wax and then stick pins into the
+image. But that's very old-fashioned, and renders you liable to
+cremation without the option of a fine. Besides, as a magistrate, I feel
+it my bounden duty to----"
+
+"I thought witchcraft and witches were out of date," said Adele.
+
+"Not at all," said Berry. "Only last week we bound one over for
+discussing the housing question with a wart-hog. The animal, which, till
+then, had been laying steadily, became unsettled and suspicious and
+finally attacked an inoffensive Stilton with every circumstance of
+barbarity."
+
+"How awful!" said Adele. "You do see life as a magistrate, don't you?
+And I suppose somebody kissed the wart-hog, and it turned into a French
+count? You know, it's a shame about you."
+
+Berry looked round.
+
+"Mocked," he said. "And at my own table. With her small mouth crammed
+with food, for which I shall be called upon to pay, she actually----"
+
+"O-o-oh!" cried Adele. "It wasn't. Besides, you shouldn't have asked
+me."
+
+"I can only say," said Berry, "that I am surprised and pained. From the
+bosom of my family I, as the head, naturally expect nothing but the
+foulest scurrility and derision. But when a comparative stranger, whom,
+with characteristic generosity, I have made free of my heart, seizes a
+moment which should have been devoted to the mastication of one of my
+peaches to vilify her host, then indeed I feel almost unsexed--I mean
+unmanned. Are my veins standing out like cords?"
+
+"Only on your nose," said I. "All gnarled, that is."
+
+"There you are," said Berry. "The slow belly reviles the sage. The----"
+
+Scandalized cries from Daphne and Jill interrupted him.
+
+"You ought to be ashamed of yourself," said his wife, pushing back her
+chair. "And now let's all have coffee on the terrace. That is, unless
+you three want to stay."
+
+Jonah, Berry and I shook our heads, and she took Adele's arm and led the
+way out of the room....
+
+It was a wonderful night.
+
+While Nature slept, Magic, sceptred with a wand, sat on her throne.
+
+The sky was rich black velvet, pricked at a million points, from every
+one of which issued a cold white brilliance, just luminous enough to
+show its whereness, sharp and clear-cut. No slightest breath of wind
+ruffled the shadows of the sleeping trees. With one intent, Night and
+the countryside had filled the cup of silence so that it brimmed--a feat
+that neither cellarer can do alone. The faint sweet scent of honeysuckle
+stole on its errant way, 'such stuff as dreams are made on,' so that the
+silken fabric of the air took on a tint of daintiness so rare, fleeting,
+and exquisite as made your fancy riot, conjuring mirages of smooth
+enchantment, gardens that hung luxuriant beneath a languorous moon, the
+plash of water and the soft sob of flutes....
+
+For a long moment all the world was fairy. Then, with a wild scrabble of
+claws upon stone, a small white shape shot from beneath my chair, took
+the broad steps at a bound and vanished into the darkness. The welter of
+barks and growls and grunts of expended energy, rising a moment later
+from the midst of the great lawn, suggested that a cat had retired to
+the convenient shelter of the mulberry tree.
+
+The sudden eruption startled us all, and Berry dwelt with some asperity
+upon the danger of distracting the digestive organs while at work.
+
+Menacingly I demanded the terrier's immediate return. Upon the third
+time of asking the uproar ceased, and a few seconds later Nobby came
+padding out of the gloom with the cheerful demeanour of the labourer who
+has done well and shown himself worthy of his hire. Wise in his
+generation, he had learned that it is a hard heart which the
+pleasurable, if mistaken, glow of faithful service will not disarm.
+Sternly I set the miscreant upon my knee. For a moment we eyed one
+another with mutual mistrust and understanding. Then he thrust up a wet
+nose and licked my face....
+
+For a minute or two there was no noise save the occasional chink of a
+coffee-cup against its saucer. Then--
+
+"Since you ask me," said Berry, "my horoscope is of peculiar interest."
+
+"What's a horoscope?" said Jill.
+
+"A cross between a birth certificate and a conduct sheet," said I,
+nodding at Berry. "His is a wonder. You can get a copy of it for three
+and sixpence at Scotland Yard."
+
+"I was born," said my brother-in-law, "when Uranus was in conjunction,
+Saturn in opposition, and the Conservatives in power. Venus was all
+gibbous, the Zodiac was in its zenith, and the zenith was in Charles's
+Wain, commonly called The Cart. My sign was Oleaqua--The Man with the
+Watering Pot. When I add that a thunderstorm was raging, and that my
+father had bet five pounds I should be a girl, and had decided to call
+me 'Hosannah,' you will appreciate that it is no ordinary being who is
+addressing you. A singularly beautiful infant, it was at once obvious
+that I was born to rule. Several people said it was inevitable, among
+them an organ-grinder, who was ordered out of the grounds, to which
+during the excitement he had gained access. He didn't put it that way,
+but he explained at the police court that that was what he had meant."
+
+"To whose good offices," said Jonah, "do you ascribe your pretty ways?"
+
+"Uranus," was the airy reply. "From that deity came also meekness, an
+unshakable belief in human nature, and the fidgets."
+
+"You ought to have been called after him," said Adele.
+
+"My godfathers thought otherwise. In a fit of generosity they gave me my
+name and a pint pot, which the more credulous declared to be silver, but
+whose hallmark persistently defied detection. Then the fount dried up.
+And now let me read your hand. Or would you rather I taught you the
+three-card trick?"
+
+"It's too dark," I protested. "Besides, she's going to sing."
+
+"Who said so?" said Adele. "I was going to suggest that you told us a
+fairy tale."
+
+"A song for a tale," said I.
+
+"Done."
+
+"There was once a princess," said I, "with eyes like brown stars and a
+voice like the song of a silver brook. One day she was sitting all alone
+by the side of a shady trout-stream, when she heard a bell. For a moment
+she thought she was dreaming, for she was rather tired. Then she heard
+it again--a clear tinkle, which seemed to arise from the heart of the
+stream itself. This surprised the princess very much, because no bells
+were allowed in her father's kingdom. The old man was a bit of an
+autocrat, and one morning, when he had been rung up seven times running
+by subjects who wanted quite a different number, he just passed a law
+prohibiting bells, and that was that. Well, while she was wondering what
+to do the bell rang again rather angrily, and, before she knew where she
+was, she had said 'Come in.'
+
+"'At last,' said a voice, and a large frog heaved himself out of the
+water and sat down on a tuft of grass on the opposite bank. 'I shan't
+knock next time.'
+
+"'I didn't hear you knock,' said the princess.
+
+"'I didn't,' said the frog. 'I rang. How's your father?'
+
+"'Full of beans,' said the princess. 'And yours?'
+
+"'That's my business,' said the frog. 'Are you married yet?'
+
+"'No such luck,' said the princess. 'And, what's more, I never shall
+be.'
+
+"'Why?' said the frog. 'Half the kingdom goes with you, doesn't it?'
+
+"'Exactly,' said the princess. 'And there's the rub.'
+
+"'Where?' said the frog, looking round.
+
+"'Well, I'm all right,' said the princess, 'but who wants half a
+one-horse kingdom that's mortgaged up to the hilt and a bit over?'
+
+"At this the frog looked so wise that the princess felt quite
+uncomfortable, and began to think he must be a waiter at the Athenaeum
+who had had a misunderstanding with a witch. Suddenly--
+
+"'Which of your suitors do you like best?' said the frog.
+
+"'Albert the Watchguard,' said the princess. 'He's a bit of a fool, but
+you ought to see him dance.'
+
+"'No, I oughtn't,' said the frog. 'It would be extremely bad for me.
+Listen. Tell Albert to come down here with a sieve to-morrow morning. He
+may be a bit of a fool, but, if he doesn't apply for you before lunch,
+he's a congenital idiot.' And with that he took a short run and dived
+into the stream.
+
+"The princess did as she was bid, and at eleven o'clock the next morning
+Albert the Watchguard appeared, complete with sieve, upon the bank of
+the trout-stream. Twenty-five minutes later, with a cigarette behind his
+ear and _a nugget of gold in each boot_, he made formal application for
+the hand of the princess and half the kingdom--a request which was
+immediately granted.
+
+"Two days later they were married.
+
+"What Albert the Watchguard said, on learning that his half of the
+kingdom did not include the territory watered by the trout-stream, is
+not recorded.
+
+"If you remember, he was a bit of a fool."
+
+"Good for you, old chap," said Daphne.
+
+Jill's hand stole out of the darkness and crept into mine.
+
+Berry turned to Adele.
+
+"A blinking wonder," he said, "is not he? Fancy turning out a comic
+cameo like that on demand. But then for years he's been on the staff of
+_Chunks_. He does the _Gossipy Gobbets_ column."
+
+Adele laughed musically.
+
+"It was very nice of him to do as I asked," she said. "And as a
+bargain's a bargain...."
+
+She rose and turned to the open windows....
+
+I saw her settled at the piano, and then stole back.
+
+A moment later the strains of her beautiful mezzo-soprano floated out
+into the darkness.
+
+It is doubtful whether _Printemps Qui Commence_ ever enjoyed a more
+exquisite setting.
+
+It was a wonderful night.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+If we had driven straight to Brooch the incident would not have
+occurred.
+
+We had lunched early, for Berry and I were determined to attend the sale
+of Merry Down. Sir Anthony, who was sure to be there, would need
+comforting, and we had, moreover, a feeling that we should like to see
+the last of an old friend. Once the place had passed into the power of
+the dog, we should try to forget. It was Adele's suggestion that she
+should accompany us. "I'd like to see Brooch," she had said, "and I want
+to get a new piece of silk for my wristwatch. Besides, I can sit in the
+car while you and Berry are at the sale. That'll save your taking the
+chauffeur." We agreed readily enough.
+
+Because Adele was with us we started in good time, so that we could go
+by way of Hickory Hammer and Three Horse Hill. That way would bring us
+on to the London road at a point five miles from Brooch, and, while the
+view from the hill was as fine as any in the neighbourhood, Hickory
+Hammer was not only extremely ancient, but generally accounted one of
+the most picturesque villages in the whole of England.
+
+I was driving, with Nobby beside me, while Adele and Berry sat on the
+back seat. Our thoughts were not unnaturally dwelling upon the sale, and
+now and again I caught fragments of conversation which suggested that my
+brother-in-law was commenting upon the power of money and the
+physiognomy of Mr. Dunkelsbaum--whose photograph had appeared in the
+paper that very morning, to grace an interview--with marked acerbity.
+Once in a while a ripple of laughter from Adele came to my ears, but for
+the most part it was a grave discourse, for Berry felt very bitter, and
+Adele, whose father's father was the son of an English squire, had taken
+to heart the imminent disseizure with a rare sympathy.
+
+It was five minutes to two when we slid out of Lullaby Coppice and on to
+the London road. A furlong ahead the road swung awkwardly to the left--a
+bend which the unexpected _debouchement_ of a by-road rendered a
+veritable pitfall for the unwary motorist. I slowed for the turn
+cautiously, for I knew the place, but I was not surprised when, on
+rounding the corner, we found ourselves confronted with a state of
+affairs presenting all the elements of a first-class smash.
+
+What had happened was transparently clear.
+
+Huddled between a trolley and the nearside bank, which was rising sheer
+from the road, was a large red limousine, listing heavily to port and
+down by the head. Both vehicles were facing towards Brooch. Plainly the
+car had sought to overtake the trolley, which was in the act of emerging
+from the by-road, and pass it upon the wrong side. The former, of
+course, had been travelling too fast to stop, and the burden which the
+latter was bearing had made it impossible for the other to pass upon the
+right-hand side. Three sturdy oaks, new felled, one of them full fifty
+swaying feet in length, all of them girt by chains on to the trolley's
+back, made a redoubtable obstruction. The chauffeur had taken the only
+possible course and dashed for the narrowing passage on the left. A
+second too late, the car had been pinched between the great wain and the
+unyielding bank, like a nut between the jaws of the crackers. But for
+the action of the carter, who had stopped his team dead, the car would
+have been crushed to flinders.
+
+The two occupants of the limousine were apparently unhurt, for, when I
+first saw them, they were standing in the middle of the road, looking
+anxiously in our direction. The next moment they were signalling to us
+violently, spreading out ridiculous arms, as if the tree-trunks were not
+putting our passage of the road for the present out of the question.
+
+As I brought the Rolls to a standstill, I heard a stifled cry. The next
+moment Berry's voice hissed in my ear.
+
+"Talk of the devil.... Look at the cove on the right. _It's Dunkelsbaum
+himself._"
+
+A lightning glance showed me the truth of his words. The original of the
+photograph over which we had pored that morning was standing before us
+in all the grossness of flesh.
+
+Almost before I had recovered from the shock, the other--a long sallow
+creature with a false grin and a cringing air--was at my elbow.
+
+"You mutht eckthcuthe me," he lisped, uncovering, "but could you
+pothibly give uth a lift ath far ath Brooch? Thith gentleman"--he
+indicated Mr. Dunkelsbaum--"hath a motht important engagement there at
+half-patht two, and, ath you thee, we have been unfortunate. Tho, if you
+could thee your way to accommodating uth, we thould be greatly obliged."
+
+Before I could reply--
+
+"We can get there by half-past two," said Berry, speaking slowly and
+distinctly, "if--_if we go through Ramilly._"
+
+Now, Ramilly was a great enclosure, and could be entered from the
+by-road down which the trolley had come. _But it was not on the way to
+Brooch._
+
+With the greatest difficulty I repressed a start. Then I leaned forward
+as if to examine the dash, but in reality to conceal my excitement....
+
+_Apparently guileless, my brother-in-law's protasis was nothing less
+than a deliberate direction to me to postpone Mr. Dunkelsbaum's arrival
+at Brooch until Merry Down was no longer in the market._
+
+My heart began to beat violently....
+
+Berry was speaking again.
+
+"Wait half a minute, and we'll change over." He turned to Adele. "Will
+you sit in front with Boy?"
+
+As the change was being made, Mr. Dunkelsbaum advanced.
+
+I have seldom set eyes upon a less prepossessing man. To liken him to a
+vicious over-fed pug is more than charitable. Smug, purse-proud and
+evil, his bloated countenance was most suggestive. There was no pity
+about the coarse mouth, which he had twisted into a smile, two deep
+sneer lines cut into the unwholesome pallor of his cheeks, from under
+drooping lids two beady eyes shifted their keen appraising glance from
+me to Berry and, for a short second, to Adele. There was about him not a
+single redeeming feature, and for the brute's pompous carriage alone I
+could have kicked him heartily.
+
+The clothes were like unto the man.
+
+From beneath a silk-faced overcoat, which he wore unbuttoned, the rich
+contour of a white waistcoat thrust its outrageous way, spurning the
+decent shelter of a black tail-coat and making the thick striped legs
+look shorter than ever. A diamond pin winked in the satin tie, and a
+black bowler hat and patent-leather boots mercifully covered, the one
+his crown, and the others his short fat feet.
+
+My gentleman raised his hat and removed a cigar from his mouth before
+speaking in a thick voice and with a strong foreign accent.
+
+"My segretary 'as tol' you of my agsident, yes. I voz much oblige' vor a
+lif' to Brrrrooch. These gattle"--contemptuously he pointed to the
+waggoner and his great beasts, to whose common sagacity he owed his
+life--"should not allowed be on der roats, no. Ach, so. It voz all
+wrong."
+
+"Quite so," said Berry. "I think they're worse than pedestrians. If I
+had my way, nothing but high-powered cars would be allowed on any high
+road. If people can't afford cars, let them keep to the lanes."
+
+"So 'ave I say often. What vor are der baths an' lanes else? Bah!"
+
+By now Adele had taken her seat in front, and my brother-in-law, who had
+descended, was ushering Mr. Dunkelsbaum into the place she had left.
+With a grunt the fellow made to hoist himself in, when Nobby took a
+flying leap from the front seat and planted himself in the intruder's
+path, barking furiously.
+
+Immediately withdrawing the foot which he had set upon the carpet, Mr.
+Dunkelsbaum descended anyhow on to his secretary, who was not expecting
+him and so too late to recede. The scream of agony which the unfortunate
+creature emitted, no less than the convulsive way in which he clung to
+the wing, while standing upon one leg and protesting with a horrible
+leer that he was unhurt, gave the lie to his words.
+
+His employer spoke at once and to the point.
+
+"Den, if you 'ave no 'urt, what vor 'ave you yell in mine ear-'ole?
+Bah!" He turned to me. "You vill blease gondrol der 'ound."
+
+Mastering a desire to do the man violence, I leaned out and over the
+back of my seat and, taking Nobby by the scruff of his neck, hauled him
+struggling and growling across the barrier. Adele received him tenderly
+and endeavoured to soothe him. But the Sealyham was mourning a lost
+opportunity and would not be comforted.
+
+Bluntly commanding his creature to stay with the car and arrange for its
+salvage, Mr. Dunkelsbaum once more heaved himself into the Rolls and
+sank upon the back seat. Berry followed, and a moment later I had let in
+the clutch and turned up the by-road.
+
+By the time we had reached the entrance to the enclosure it was ten
+minutes past two, and, as Berry got out to open and hold the gate, I saw
+our passenger bring out a handsome timepiece and, after a glance at the
+dial, replace it in some uneasiness.
+
+"Your dime voz der same as London?" he inquired.
+
+"Five minutes ahead," I replied maliciously.
+
+"Ach!"
+
+"We shall do it all right," I said airily, "Your appointment's at three,
+isn't it?"
+
+Mr. Dunkelsbaum went a rich green colour, half rose from his seat, and
+clawed at the air before replying.
+
+"Three?" he raved. "Three? No, no! Alf-pas' doo, man, 'alf-pas' doo! 'Oo
+'as say it voz three? In a quarder of an hour ve mus' be dere. It is
+fital, yes."
+
+Adele began to shake with laughter.
+
+"Right oh," I said casually. "I dare say we can manage it." The gate was
+open, and I let in the clutch with a bang. With a startled grunt, Mr.
+Dunkelsbaum was projected violently on to the seat he had left. As I
+slowed up for Berry to rejoin us, "But I may have to go rather fast," I
+added.
+
+"Like der devil," was the reply.
+
+The going was good, and the road was unfrequented, so I let the car out.
+We tore down an avenue of firs, great rugged banks of rhododendrons
+sprawling on either side, scudded into a beechwood--pillars all
+silver-grey, set in a ruffled mass of whispering green, swam through a
+sea of bracken, rippling and feathery. And all the time I was racking my
+brain....
+
+To the best of my recollection, we had another three miles to cover
+before we should emerge from Ramilly on to the King's highway. But at
+the very point at which we should leave the enclosure there were
+crossroads and, I was sure, a finger-post announcing the way to Brooch
+in a plain manner which there was no mistaking.
+
+In the face of this direction, which our passenger would be certain to
+see, it would be impossible to take another road, and, though we should
+undoubtedly reach _The Fountain_ after the appointed hour, it was quite
+possible that the proceedings might not be punctually conducted, and
+that the essential business of the sale would not have been completed
+before our arrival.
+
+Of course, there was nothing to prevent us from throwing off the mask,
+stopping the car, and politely intimating our inability to carry Mr.
+Dunkelsbaum any further. But his reception of such an open declaration
+of war was certain to be unsuitable for Adele's eyes and ears, and the
+subsequent action which a man of his calibre would undoubtedly take
+might prove troublesome, if profitless.
+
+Again, our eventual arrival at Brooch, however belated, would be better
+avoided. Berry and I were well known in the town, as was also our close
+friendship with Sir Anthony. Our identification, therefore, would be
+only a matter of time, and since, in the absence of a burst or a
+puncture, our progress to Brooch could only be delayed by pretended
+engine trouble, the suspicions which this would be sure to arouse in our
+passenger's mind would very soon be confirmed.
+
+Sooner or later the fellow would gather that he had been befooled, but,
+provided that we preserved our incognitos, that did not matter. If we
+could possibly leave him uncertain whether we were as cunning as
+serpents or as simple as doves, so much the better.
+
+In no sort of order all these reflections elbowed and jostled one
+another before my mind's eye, which was itself searching feverishly for
+a solution. Then we floated round a long curve, and I saw the splash.
+
+We were at the top of a short steep hill in the midst of a dense wood of
+tender years. At the foot of the hill our road was overrun by a
+fair-sized stream, so that while there was a little foot-bridge,
+vehicles that were wishing to pass this way must do so by way of the
+ford. Beyond the water the ground rose sharply again, making the whole
+place a bottom or hollow, such as was commonly encountered in this part
+of England.
+
+I slowed up, and we slid down the hill at a reduced speed.
+
+With the utmost caution I put the Rolls at the splash, making no attempt
+to disguise my uneasiness. Mr. Dunkelsbaum would naturally conclude that
+I was anxious lest the water was deep. As a matter of fact, I was
+fearful lest the ford should prove shallow.
+
+But luck was with us.
+
+Very gently the great car entered the brown water, which was flowing
+slowly and steadily over its gravel bed. With my heart in my mouth, I
+watched the water rise.... It was half-way to the running-board. It was
+level--above.... It was lapping the spare wheel, and--we were in the
+deepest part. Quick as a flash I changed into top and let in the clutch
+with a bang. Instantly the engine stopped, and the car came to rest in
+mid-stream.
+
+I took out my handkerchief and wiped my face.
+
+There was an electric silence. Then--
+
+"What's the matter?" said Berry.
+
+"Flooded out," I said shortly, hoping that Mr. Dunkelsbaum was not an
+engineer.
+
+As I spoke, I heard a choking sound at my shoulder. I turned sharply,
+and there was my gentleman in a terrible toss. His eyes were protruding,
+and he could hardly speak.
+
+"To Brrrooch!" he screamed. "To Brrrooch! Ve mus' go on. I 'ave say it
+is fital. Sdard der gar, man, sdard der gar! What vor do you vaid?"
+
+"I'll try," I said coolly. "But you'll have to get out. Our only chance
+is to make her as light as possible."
+
+With a saintly look Berry opened the off-side door and sprang nimbly on
+to the foot-bridge. Then he turned to the other.
+
+"Come along, sir."
+
+Mr. Dunkelsbaum stared at the water as if it had been boiling oil. As he
+estimated the distance he was to cover, a bead of perspiration began to
+course down his face. It was the first of many....
+
+Berry extended his hand.
+
+"Come along, sir."
+
+The fellow threw one despairing glance about him, hung out of the car
+till he could reach Berry's hand, and then, with a frightful grunt,
+goose-stepped into space....
+
+The sight of Mr. Dunkelsbaum, still hand-in-hand with Berry,
+endeavouring by the latter's direction to step out of twelve inches of
+water on to the foot-bridge--a feat which only a contortionist could
+have accomplished--was diverting in the extreme. But when the
+unfortunate creature did by some superhuman effort get the elongated toe
+of his right elastic-sided boot upon the plank, and Berry found himself
+unable to do more than haul him half-way to safety, so that for one long
+hectic moment he hung writhing convulsively, frantically waving his left
+leg in quest of a footing and alternately calling upon Heaven and
+frenziedly charging his betrayer not to let go; when, as a result of
+muscular vibration, his left boot worked loose and fell into the water
+with a derisive plop; when Nobby, who had been watching the efforts of
+the storming party in a fever of excitement, leapt from Adele's arms on
+to my shoulders and thence into the flood, and, beating its raving owner
+by a matter of inches in a rush for the errant footgear, splashed his
+triumphant way to the bank and, amid a hurricane of execration, bore his
+waterlogged trophy into the undergrowth; then I bowed my head upon the
+steering-wheel and, throwing decency to the winds, ran before the
+tempest of Titanic laughter....
+
+A wail of merriment from Adele and a pressure upon my left arm brought
+me to my senses.
+
+Watch in hand, Mr. Dunkelsbaum was dancing upon a strip of turf by the
+edge of the stream, bellowing at me to start the car.
+
+"I do nod gare vor my bood, no. But der abboinmen'.... It vill nod vaid,
+I say. An' it is now vive minute to begin. Ach! What vor 'ave you sid
+dere an' laugh? My 'eart pleeds vor you. Ten tousand devil! But _vill
+you sdard ub der auto?_"
+
+The yell with which he delivered the last sentence changed to a howl as
+his bootless foot alighted heavily upon an odd pebble, and Nobby peered
+out of some long grass, boot in mouth, to see whether the situation was
+affording further opportunities. Apparently it was not, for he lay down
+where he was and proceeded with the dismemberment of his spoil.
+
+Adele turned her head away and held her handkerchief to her eyes.
+
+I set my foot upon the self-starter....
+
+The moment the engine started, Nobby abandoned his treasure and leapt
+barking to the side of the car, fearful, as usual, lest he be left
+behind. Muttering hideously, Mr. Dunkelsbaum seized the opportunity of
+retrieving his boot, whose present condition was apparently even worse
+than he had expected, for a hurried examination of the same elicited an
+involuntary cry of torment, and he shook his fist at the terrier in a
+fit of ungovernable fury.
+
+Slowly I brought the Rolls out of the splash, and when, as I judged,
+about six feet lay between the back wheels and the stream, again I
+stopped the engine....
+
+For a moment I thought Mr. Dunkelsbaum would offer me violence. His
+mouth worked uncontrollably, and there was a suspicion of foam upon the
+thick lips. A sudden violent tug at the boot, which was still in his
+right hand awaiting replacement, mercifully diverted his attention, but
+the savagery with which he launched a kick at Nobby, who was once more
+in possession and already out of range, was terrible to witness.
+
+"'Ell-'ound!" he screamed. "'Ell-'ound! You vould dare! I vill throw you
+oud of der vindow with one 'and. I vill gig der eyes from your 'ead." In
+the midst of the paroxysm he turned to me, wild-eyed and gesticulating.
+"What vor 'ave you stay still? You mus' sdard again an' again, yes. To
+Brrrooch! To Brrrooch!" He snatched his watch from his pocket and dabbed
+at its face with a shaking forefinger. "Der glogs vill berhaps be wrong.
+I vill give you dwendy bounds if ve shall 'ave arrive in dime!"
+
+The rearguard of my compunction, which had been putting up a fight,
+vanished into thin air. The sweep had offered me money. I was prepared
+to twist his tall indefinitely.
+
+"If you pushed behind," I said coldly, "we might get her going. If we
+do, you must get in while she's moving. I daren't stop, or we may have
+to begin all over again."
+
+Mr. Dunkelsbaum eyed me suspiciously, and Berry, who had been hitherto
+afraid to trust his voice, took up the running with a dash.
+
+"That's the ticket. Come on, Herr Stunkenblotch. Never mind your boot.
+Think of the purchase you'll get with a bare foot." He stepped behind
+the car. "Now, you do as I do, and, when I say 'Go,' drop your bullet
+head and try to shove the old 'bus into the middle of next fortnight."
+
+With a snarl, Mr. Dunkelsbaum slunk limping to the back of the car....
+
+A moment later--
+
+"Go!" said my brother-in-law.
+
+Maliciously I waited the best part of thirty seconds. Then--
+
+"Are you ready?" I inquired, innocently enough.
+
+The explosion which my question provoked was truly terrible.
+
+The panting alien and Berry immediately reappeared, one upon either side
+of the car, the latter protesting with an injured air that he was not so
+young as he was, and that, if I wanted him to survive the summer, I had
+better keep my ears open, while, to judge from his behaviour, the
+reflection that his recent output of vigour had been rendered nugatory
+by my unreadiness was hurrying Mr. Dunkelsbaum into the valley of
+insanity. Purple in the face from the unwonted violence of his physical
+and mental exercise, streaming with perspiration and shaking with
+passion, the fellow stormed and raved like a demoniac, and, if Berry had
+not stepped in front of the bonnet and, taking him by the arm, led him
+again to the back of the car, I believe he would have fallen down in a
+fit.
+
+"Are you ready?" I called.
+
+A hurricane of affirmatory invective answered me.
+
+I started the engine, changed into first and let in the clutch. As I
+changed into second, uprose a medley of cries and barking. I leaned out,
+exhorting the pedestrians by words and gestures to come aboard....
+
+Head up, teeth bared, fists clenched and arms working, Mr. Dunkelsbaum
+was running like a stag. Berry was loping along just behind, apparently
+offering encouragement and advice, while the Sealyham was alternately
+running and jumping up and down in front of the frantic alien, barking
+as if he were possessed. Even as I looked, the inevitable happened.
+Nobby miscalculated his distance and landed too close to the object of
+his attentions, Berry gave a warning, but belated, shout, and Mr.
+Dunkelsbaum made a desperate effort to avoid the stumbling-block,
+tripped, recovered himself, crossed his legs, and with an unearthly cry
+fell heavily to the ground.
+
+I changed into third speed.
+
+As we swung round the corner at the top of the hill, I threw a glance
+over my shoulder.
+
+Berry was sitting on the bank by the side of the road with his head in
+his hands, Mr. Dunkelsbaum had risen to his feet and was in the act of
+hurling himself in the direction of Nobby, and the latter, with his
+small tail well over his back, was circling delightedly about his
+victim, still barking like a fiend and ricochetting like a roulette
+ball.
+
+The next moment we were out of sight, and I changed into top speed.
+
+Adele caught at my arm.
+
+"You're not going to leave them?"
+
+I nodded.
+
+"Best way out," I said. "Berry'll understand and pull out somehow. You
+see, we're too well known about here to take any chances. And now I
+think we'll slip along to _The Fountain_ and find Sir Anthony."
+
+"You tell me I speak good English," said Adele.
+
+"So you do."
+
+"Well, I don't want to spoil my record. What's the Anglo-Saxon for 'a
+thaw-proof nerve '?"
+
+"Can't be done," said I. "But I can put your mouth into Italian. _Bocca
+bella carissima._ Now, isn't that nice?"
+
+The sweet pretty lips began to tremble with laughter.
+
+"You're incorrigible," she announced. "Fifteen long months, and you
+haven't changed a bit."
+
+"Long months, Adele?"
+
+The soft rose of her cheeks was glowing as she turned to reply.
+
+"The longest I've ever spent," she said softly. "That--that's the worst
+of cutting your hair. I thought it was never going to grow."
+
+"They've been very long ones for me, Adele."
+
+Up went the delicate eyebrows.
+
+"Have they?"
+
+I nodded.
+
+"A close scrutiny will reveal that my hair, once a rich mud colour, is
+now flecked with grey."
+
+"I should attribute that to the march of Time."
+
+I shook my head.
+
+"The responsibility," I said, "rests with the United States of America.
+Seriously, I missed you terribly."
+
+"That," said Adele, "I refuse to believe. If you had, you would have
+paid us a visit."
+
+"I was not invited."
+
+Adele shrugged her shoulders.
+
+"Any old way," she announced, "I'm here now. And, while we're on the
+subject of hair, please remember that since you last saw me, I've put
+mine up."
+
+"Which means?"
+
+"That I am a dangerous woman of the world, who gives nothing and takes
+everything--with a grain of salt. I warn you, I've changed."
+
+"Unquestionably," said I, "you have had a violent love-affair. That is
+as plain as is the dainty nose upon your charming face."
+
+Adele regarded me with a dazzling smile.
+
+"I forgot," she said, "that I was addressing an expert. Tell me, d'you
+think I shall get over it?"
+
+"If you don't," said I, "it shan't be my fault."
+
+"You're very good."
+
+"Not at all," said I. "Can you spell 'homoeopathy'?"
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+For a man who had just parted with the home of his fathers, poor old Sir
+Anthony was in high spirits. Lock, stock and barrel, Merry Down had been
+sold to the highest bidder. Of that there was no manner of doubt. What
+was more to the point was that the purchaser, who had paid a good price,
+was of English blood, and had known Derry Bagot at Eton, and soldiered
+with him first in South Africa and afterwards in France. The place had
+passed into good clean hands and was to be well cared for.
+
+"A very civil fellow," said Sir Anthony, whom we had brought back to
+White Ladies to tea, "and a sportsman. I'm truly thankful. Spoke so
+nicely of Derry--said he'd always looked up to him and he was proud to
+think he was to carry on his--his home." His voice faltered, and
+something of the old stricken look hung for an instant in the keen grey
+eyes. The next moment it was ousted by the flash of victory, and they
+were bent upon me. "So you deported the alien to Ramilly? Gad, but I'd
+'ve liked to see the terrier bring him down."
+
+As he spoke there was the noise of a familiar scamper, and a moment
+later Nobby had hurled himself across the terrace into my lap and was
+licking my face with an enthusiastic violence which could not have been
+more pronounced if he had not seen me for years.
+
+And in his wake came Berry.
+
+I had told Sir Anthony that, if he desired to thank any one, he must
+thank my brother-in-law, because, but for the latter's quick wit. Merry
+Down would have fallen into the enemy's hands. But, when the old baronet
+had clapped him upon the back, Berry nodded at me.
+
+"I believe," he said, "I was the first to conceive the felony. That
+comes of being a magistrate. But that's the merchant who carried it out.
+Largely at my expense, I admit. But that's a matter for him and me to
+settle. I tell you, Sir Anthony, you must thank him--and
+the--er--hell-hound. A more masterly display of devilry I never
+witnessed." He sank into a chair. "Let refreshment be brought me."
+
+Daphne blew him a kiss.
+
+"One moment, old chap. Did the servants see you come in?"
+
+Her husband nodded.
+
+"Then there'll be some fresh tea in a moment. And now, what happened?
+We're simply wild to hear."
+
+"Yes," cried Jill eagerly. "And did you really call him 'Stunkenblotch'?
+And what happened to his boot? And where----"
+
+"The last thing we saw," said Adele, "was the fellow get up and go for
+Nobby. You were sitting by the side of the road."
+
+"And before you begin," said I, "let me say that I wouldn't have left
+you, brother, if I could have thought of any other way out. But it
+seemed the only thing to do."
+
+Berry put up his hand.
+
+"Strange as it may seem," he said, "for once I don't blame you. If I
+hadn't been so weak with laughter I might have boarded the car, but it
+was then or never. I didn't expect you to wait."
+
+"How did you get on?"
+
+"I fear," said Berry, "that Mr. Dunkelsbaum did expect the car to be
+waiting at the top of the hill. What he said when he found that the
+road, which we could see for about five furlongs, was unoccupied, I
+shall try to forget. Suffice it that he perspired with great freedom,
+and for a long time appeared to be afflicted with an impediment in his
+speech. Occasionally he addressed me in Patagonian, but since the only
+words I could remember were _schloss_, _ausgang_ and _bahnhof_, my
+replies, judging from their reception, were unsatisfactory and
+sometimes, I grieve to think, even irrelevant.
+
+"Presently I suggested that we should return for his boot. For this he
+sought, whilst I detained Nobby. I had recommended that the latter's
+services should be employed in the search, but the bare suggestion
+provoked such a shocking outburst of profanity that I said no more.
+When, after exploring the undergrowth for nearly half an hour, he
+suddenly descried his footgear lodged in the branches of a neighbouring
+ash, Mr. Dunkelsbaum's behaviour gave me cause to fear for his reason.
+My theory that some dim-sighted fowl must have mistaken the truant for a
+piece of refuse met with a furious dismissal, and, from the perfectly
+poisonous stare with which he declined my offer of assistance to secure
+his quarry, I was forced to the conclusion that he associated me with
+its elevation. This discovery caused me much pain, but the rude man was
+soon to pay dearly for his foul suspicion. True, he got it down: but it
+seemed as if the ravages of wear and tear, to say nothing of its
+immersion, had heavily discounted the value of the boot as an article of
+wearing apparel, for, after several agonized endeavours to replace it
+upon his foot, Mr. Dunkelsbaum screamed, flung it down, spat upon it,
+and offered up what I took to be a short prayer for immediate death.
+
+"After this horrible exhibition of temper, I felt that no useful purpose
+could be served by remaining within sight or earshot of the abandoned
+creature, so I released the terrier and made ready to depart.
+
+"'Herr Splodgenblunk,' I said, 'I must now leave you. Should you be
+still anxious to arrive at Bloat, you cannot do better than----'
+
+"He interrupted me with a terrible cry.
+
+"'I vos neffer vant to 'ave arrive at Bloat!'
+
+"'But you said----'
+
+"'No! No!' he raved. 'It vos _Brrrooch_, I 'ave say--_Brrrooch_!'
+
+"I affected the utmost surprise.
+
+"'Oh, Brooch. Why, we came miles out of our way. Brooch is over there.
+Back the way we came, out of the enclosure, and the first on the right.
+That's the worst of a Scotch accent.'"
+
+Berry paused for the laughter to subside. As it died down--
+
+"That," said I, "was refined cruelty."
+
+"I confess," said Berry, "that, compared with the paroxysm which
+succeeded my statement, its predecessors were pale and colourless.
+Indeed, but for a timely diversion, I believe the gent would have gone
+up in smoke.
+
+"You see, it was like this.
+
+"Ever since his release, Nobby had evinced a pardonable curiosity
+regarding Mr. Dunkelsbaum's bootless foot. Unknown to its owner, he had
+subjected this remarkable member to the closest scrutiny, and it was in
+the midst of the other's spirited study of 'A Lost Soul' that he decided
+to remove the objectionable cloak or covering, which it is charity to
+describe as a sock.
+
+"It was, of course, unmannerly. The dog should have controlled his
+morbid thirst for knowledge. But there you are. Still, it was imprudent
+of Mr. Dunkelsbaum to kick him in the ribs. I felt that instinctively.
+Had the gentleman remained to argue, I should have said as much. But he
+didn't.
+
+"Going extremely short upon the near fore, he rocketed down the hill,
+with Nobby in the immediate future, barking like a fiend and striving,
+so to speak, to take Time by the forelock. From the fragment of cashmere
+with which he presently returned, I fear that he was successful.
+
+"And there you are. All things considered, if he's still alive, I should
+think he'd make Brooch about half-past eight."
+
+"He may get a lift," said Jonah.
+
+"Not he. Once bitten, twice shy. After all, he asked for it, didn't he?
+And now shall I have some tea? Or would that be greedy?"
+
+Sir Anthony wiped his eyes.
+
+"If he'd known you," he crowed, "as well as I do, he'd 've been more
+careful. Who sups with the devil should hold a long spoon."
+
+"I don't know what you mean, sir," said Berry. "I'm a respectable----"
+
+"Exactly," said I. "And meek. Thanks to Uranus."
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER X
+
+HOW ADELE BROKE HER DREAM, AND VANDY PLEYDELL TOOK EXERCISE.
+
+
+"What, again?" said I, staring at the breakfast-cup which Jill was
+offering me, that I might pass it to Daphne. "How many more cups is he
+going to drink? He's had three to my knowledge."
+
+"That vessel," said Berry, "was passed to you for information and
+immediate action. So, as they say in the Army, close your perishin' head
+and get down to it."
+
+"What you want," said I, "is a bucket. Or a private urn."
+
+"What's the matter with a trough?" said Jonah. "That'd be more in
+keeping."
+
+Berry turned to Adele.
+
+"You see?" he said. "Two putrid minds with but a single snort. But there
+you are. Don't dwell on it. Pass the marmalade instead." He turned to
+his wife. "And what's the programme for to-day? The glass has gone up,
+it's already raining, 'all's right with the world.' Anybody like to play
+ping-pong?"
+
+"Fool," said his wife. "As a matter of fact, I don't think it would be a
+bad idea if we went over to Broken Ash for tea." Berry made a grimace,
+and Jill and I groaned. Even Jonah looked down his nose at the
+suggestion. "Yes," my sister continued, "I didn't think it'd be a
+popular move, but I'd like Adele to see the pictures, and we haven't
+shown a sign of life since we left Town."
+
+At Broken Ash lived the other branch of the Pleydell family, consisting
+of our Cousin Vandy and his two sisters. Between them and us there was
+little love lost. Of their jealousy of Berry, but for whose birth White
+Ladies would have passed into their hands, they made but an open secret;
+and, when he married my sister, who was his second cousin, and the
+Mansels--Cousins Jonah and Jill--had thrown in their lot with us,
+relations had become more strained than before. The conventions were,
+however, observed. Calendars were exchanged at Christmas, birthdays were
+recognized with a cold epistolary nod, and occasional calls were paid
+and invitations issued. Their possession of all but two of the family
+portraits was undoubted, and with nine points of the law in their favour
+they were well armed. It was an open question whether the tenth point,
+which was ours, was sufficiently doughty to lay the other nine by the
+heels. Years ago counsel had advised that the law was dead in our
+favour, but it was certain that Vandy and his sisters would resist any
+claim we made with great bitterness, and the settlement of a family
+quarrel in the public ring of the High Court was more than we could
+stomach.
+
+Still, the pictures were worth seeing. There were a Holbein, a Van Dyck,
+three Gainsboroughs, and two from the brush of Reynolds among them, and,
+so soon as she had learned of their existence, Adele had evinced an
+eagerness to be shown the collection.
+
+There was a moment's silence. Then--
+
+"I'd hate to think you were going for my sake," said Adele.
+
+"We're not, dear," said Daphne. "Even if you weren't here, we should
+have to go some day soon."
+
+"Yes," said Berry. "We hate one another like poison, but we've never
+declared war. Consequently, diplomatic relations are still maintained,
+and in due season we meet and are charmingly offensive to one another.
+When war broke out they were very sticky about billeting a few Yeomanry
+chargers, and crawled and lied about their stabling till the authorities
+got fed up and commandeered all they'd got. Therefore, whenever we meet,
+I chivvy the conversation in the direction of horseflesh. In the same
+way, having regard to the burglary which we suffered last month, Vandy
+will spread himself on the subject of old silver. The moment they heard
+of it, they sent us a triumphant telegram of condolence."
+
+My sister laughed.
+
+"If you say much more," she said, "Adele will be afraid to come with us.
+I admit it's a duty call, pure and simple. All the same, there won't be
+any bloodshed."
+
+"I'm ready for anything," said Addle thoughtfully. "Shall I wear a red
+or white rose?"
+
+"Don't tell us you can control your cheeks," said I. "It's unheard of.
+And why are you so pensive this morning? Is it because of Ireland? Or
+have you trodden on your sponge?"
+
+"I believe she's broken the soap-dish," said Berry, "and is afraid to
+tell us."
+
+"Don't tease her," said Jill. "Why shouldn't she be quiet if she likes?"
+
+But Adele was bubbling with laughter.
+
+"The truth is," she announced, "I'm trying to remember a dream I had
+last night." She looked across the table to me. "You know what it is to
+dream something rather vivid and interesting, and then not to be able to
+remember what it was?"
+
+I nodded.
+
+"But you can't do anything," I said. "It's no good trying to remember
+it. Either you'll think of it, or you won't."
+
+"Exactly," said my brother-in-law. "There's no other alternative. It's
+one of the laws of Nature. I well remember dreaming that I was a disused
+columbarium which had been converted into a brewery and was used as a
+greenhouse. I was full of vats and memorial tablets and creeping
+geraniums. Just as they were going to pull me down to make room for a
+cinema, Daphne woke me up to say there was a bat in the room. I replied
+suitably, but, before turning over to resume my slumbers, I tried to
+recapture my dream. My efforts were vain. It was gone for ever."
+
+"Then how d'you know what it was about?" said Jill.
+
+"I don't," said Berry. "What I have told you is pure surmise. And now
+will you pass me the toast, or shall I come and get it?"
+
+Choking with indignation, Jill stretched out a rosy hand in the
+direction of the toastrack.... Suddenly the light of mischief leapt into
+her grey eyes, and she called Nobby. In a flash the Sealyham--never so
+vigilant as at meal-time--was by her side. Cheerfully she gave him the
+last piece of toast. Then she turned to Berry with a seraphic smile.
+
+"I'm afraid there's none left," he said.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Before we had finished lunch, the rain had ceased, and by the time we
+were under weigh, _en route_ for Broken Ash, the afternoon sun was
+turning a wet world into a sweet-smelling jewel. Diamonds dripped from
+her foliage, emerald plumes glistened on every bank, silver lay spilt
+upon her soft brown roads. No scent-bag was ever stuffed with such rare
+spicery. Out of the dewy soil welled up the fresh clean breath of magic
+spikenard, very precious.
+
+Punctually at half-past four we swept up the avenue of poplars that led
+to our cousins' house.
+
+The visit had been arranged by Daphne upon the telephone, and Vandy and
+his two sisters were ready and waiting....
+
+The _reunion_ was not cordial. Ease and Familiarity were not among the
+guests. But it was eminently correct. The most exacting Master of
+Ceremonies, the most severe authority upon Etiquette, would have been
+satisfied. We were extraordinarily polite. We made engaging
+conversation, we begged one another's pardon, we enjoyed one another's
+jokes. The dispensation and acceptance of hospitality did the respective
+forces infinite credit.
+
+After tea we were taken to see the pictures. Vandy, as showman,
+naturally escorted Adele. The rest of us, decently grouped about his
+sisters, followed like a party of sightseers in the wake of a verger.
+
+To do our host justice, he knew his own fathers. For what it was worth,
+the history of the Pleydell family lay at his fingers' ends. Men,
+manners and exploits--he knew them all. Indeed, years ago he had
+collected his knowledge and had it published in the form of a book. We
+had a copy somewhere.
+
+We were half-way along the gallery, and our cousin was in full blast,
+when Adele, to whom he was introducing the portraits with triumphant
+unction, started forward with a low cry.
+
+"That's the very man," she exclaimed, pointing at the picture of a
+middle-aged gentleman in a plum-coloured coat, which, I seemed to
+remember, was unsigned but attributed--without much confidence--to the
+brush of Gonzales Coques. "What an extraordinary thing! I've broken my
+dream."
+
+In the twinkling of an eye Vandy's importance was snatched from him, and
+the prophet's mantle had fallen upon Adele. Where, but a moment before,
+he had been strutting in all the pride of a proprietor, she held the
+stage. More. Neither our discomfited host nor his sisters could divine
+what was toward, and the fact that their guests crowded eagerly about
+Adele, encouraging her to "let them have it," was more disconcerting
+than ever.
+
+"It was in a garden," said Adele, "a quiet sort, of place. I think I was
+walking behind him. I don't know how I got there, but he didn't see me.
+All the same, he kept looking round, as if he was afraid he was being
+watched. Presently we came to a place where there was a stone pedestal
+standing. It wasn't exactly a pillar--it wasn't high enough. And it was
+too high for a seat. Well, he stared at this for a moment; then he
+looked around again, very cautiously, and then--it sounds idiotic, but
+he began to prod the turf with his stick. At first he did it just
+casually, here and there: but, after a little, he started prodding at
+regular intervals, methodically. The ground was quite soft, and his
+stick seemed to go in like a skewer. Suddenly he seemed to hear
+something or somebody, for he listened very carefully, and then walked
+on tiptoe to the pedestal and leaned up against it as if he were
+resting. The next moment somebody--some man in ordinary clothes came out
+of...." She hesitated. "I don't know whether it was some bushes or a
+wall he came out of. Some bushes, I guess. Any way, he appeared,
+and--don't laugh--gave him a green tomato. Then I woke up."
+
+"And this is the man you saw?" cried Daphne, pointing.
+
+Adele nodded.
+
+"Dress and everything. He was wearing the same plumed hat and that
+identical coat, buttoned all down the front, with the pockets low down
+on either side. And I'll never forget his face. That's a wonderful
+picture. It's life-like."
+
+"What an extraordinary thing!" said I. Then I turned to Vandy. "Has this
+portrait ever been reproduced?"
+
+He did not seem to hear me.
+
+With dropped jaw and bulging eyes, the fellow was staring at Adele,
+staring....
+
+Suddenly, as with an effort, he pulled himself together.
+
+"Was that all you saw?" he said hoarsely.
+
+Adele pondered.
+
+"I think so," she said slowly. "Except that there were some words carved
+on the pedestal. PER ... IMP ... PERIMP, ... No. That wasn't it.
+Something like that. Not English. I can't remember."
+
+"Ah!"
+
+Berry took up the running.
+
+"You say the merchant was prodding the ground?" he said.
+
+"That's right. It sounds silly, but----"
+
+"Not at all," said Berry excitedly. "He was looking for something. It's
+as clear as daylight." He turned to the picture. "That's William
+Pleydell, isn't it, Vandy? Seventeenth-century bloke. The one Pepys
+mentions."
+
+My cousin nodded abstractedly. With unseeing eyes he was staring out of
+a window. It was patent that Adele's recital had affected him
+strangely....
+
+Berry laid a hand on his arm.
+
+"Where's the book you wrote?" he said gently. "That may throw some light
+on it."
+
+One of our hostesses turned, as though she would fetch the volume.
+
+"It went to be rebound yesterday," cried Vandy in a strained,
+penetrating voice.
+
+His sister stopped and stood still in her tracks. A moment later she had
+turned back and was murmuring a confirmation.
+
+Jonah, who had been busy with a pencil and the back of an envelope,
+limped towards us from one of the windows.
+
+"The pedestal was a sundial," he said. Vandy looked at him sharply. He
+turned to Adele. "PER ... IMP ... you said. Try PEREUNT ET IMPUTANTUR.
+Latin. 'The hours pass and are charged against us.' You'll find the
+phrase on five sundials out of six."
+
+A buzz of excited applause greeted this admirable contribution.
+
+Adele looked at the written words. "You are clever," she said. "Of
+course, that's it. It must be."
+
+Vandy's reception of Jonah's discovery convinced me that it had already
+occurred to him. He applauded theatrically. The fellow was playing a
+part, feverishly. Besides, I did not believe his rotten book was being
+rebound. That was a lie. There was something there which he did not want
+us to see. Not a doubt of it. Well, we had a copy at White Ladies. No!
+Our copy was in Town. Hang it! What a sweep the man was!
+
+With a horse-laugh he interrupted my reflections.
+
+"Well, well, Miss Feste, I confess you gave me a shock. Still, if you
+had to meet one of our forefathers, I could have wished it had been any
+other than the notorious William. We enjoy his portrait, but we deplore
+his memory. Ha! Ha! Now, we're really proud of the next one--his cousin,
+James Godstow Pleydell. He it was who was responsible----"
+
+"Forgive me," purred Daphne, "but I'm going to say we must fly. I'd no
+idea it was so late. People are coming to dinner, and we must go back by
+Brooch, because we've run out of ice."
+
+Our host protested--not very heartily--and was overruled. Mutual regret
+was suitably expressed. Without more ado we descended into the hall.
+Here at the front door the decencies of leave-taking were observed. The
+host and hostesses were thanked, the parting guests sped. A moment
+later, we were sliding down the avenue to the lodge-gates. As we swung
+on to the road--
+
+"Where's the book?" said Daphne. "That man's a liar."
+
+"At Cholmondeley Street," said I. "But you're right about Vandy. He's
+trying to keep something back."
+
+"He's so excited he doesn't know what to do," said Daphne. "That's
+clear."
+
+"Well, what the deuce is it?" said Berry. "I've read the blinkin' book,
+but I'll swear there's nothing in it about buried treasure."
+
+"Whatever it is," said I, "it's in that book. I'll get it to-morrow.
+D'you really want any ice?"
+
+Daphne shook her head.
+
+"But I couldn't stay there with that man another minute."
+
+Adele lifted up her sweet voice.
+
+"I feel very guilty," she said. "I've upset you all, I've given
+everything away to your cousin with both hands, and I've----"
+
+"Nonsense, darling," said Daphne. "You did the natural thing. How could
+you know----"
+
+Jonah interrupted her with a laugh.
+
+"One thing's certain," he said. "I'll bet old Vandy's cursing the day he
+rushed into print."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Upon reflection it seemed idle for any one of us to journey to London
+and back merely to fetch a volume, so the next morning one of the
+servants was dispatched instead, armed with a note to the housekeeper at
+Cholmondeley Street, telling her exactly where the book would be found.
+
+The man returned as we were finishing dinner, and _The History of the
+Pleydell Family_ was brought to Berry while we sat at dessert.
+
+Nuts and wine went by the board.
+
+As my brother-in-law cut the string, we left our places and crowded
+about him....
+
+Reference to the index bade us turn to page fifty-four.
+
+As the leaves flicked, we waited breathlessly. Then--
+
+"Here we are," said Berry. "'WILLIAM PLEYDELL. In 1652 Nicholas died, to
+be succeeded by his only child, William, of whom little is known. This
+is perhaps as well, for such information as is to hand, regarding his
+life and habits, shows him to have been addicted to no ordinarily evil
+ways. The lustre which his father and grandfather had added to the
+family name William seems to have spared no effort to tarnish. When
+profligacy was so fashionable, a man must have lived hard indeed to
+attract attention. Nevertheless, Samuel Pepys, the Diarist, refers to
+him more than once, each time commenting upon the vileness of his
+company and his offensive behaviour. Upon one occasion, we are told, at
+the play-house the whole audience was scandalized by a _loose drunken
+frolic,_ in which _Mr. William Pleydell, a gentleman of Hampshire,_
+played a disgraceful part. What was worse, he carried his dissolute
+habits into the countryside, and at one time his way of living at the
+family seat White Ladies was so openly outrageous that the incumbent of
+Bilberry actually denounced the squire from the pulpit, referring to him
+as 'a notorious evil-liver' and 'an abandoned wretch.' If not for his
+good name, however, for the house and pleasure-gardens he seems to have
+had some respect, for it was during his tenure that the stables were
+rebuilt and the gardens decorated with statuary which has since
+disappeared. '_A sundial_'"--the sensation which the word produced was
+profound, and Jill cried out with excitement--"'_a sundial, bearing the
+date 1663 and the cipher W.P., still stands in the garden of the old
+dower-house, which passed out of the hands of the family early in the
+nineteenth century._'"
+
+Berry stopped reading, and laid the book down.
+
+"The dower-house?" cried Daphne blankly.
+
+Her husband nodded.
+
+"But I never knew there was one. Besides----"
+
+"Better known to-day as 'The Lawn, Bilberry.'"
+
+"Quite right," said Jonah. "A hundred years ago that stood inside the
+park."
+
+"The Lawn?" cried Jill. "Why, that's where the fire was. Years and years
+ago. I remember old Nanny taking me down to see it the next day. And
+it's never been rebuilt."
+
+"To my knowledge," said I, "it's had a board up, saying it's for sale,
+for the last fifteen years. Shall we go in for it? They can't want much.
+The house is gutted, the garden's a wilderness, and----"
+
+A cry from Adele interrupted me. While we were talking, she had picked
+up the volume.
+
+"Listen to this," she said. "' William Pleydell died unmarried and
+intestate in 1667, and was succeeded by his cousin Anthony. Except that
+during the former's tenure a good deal of timber was cut, White Ladies
+had been well cared for. The one blot upon his stewardship was the
+disappearance of the greater part of the family plate, which Nicholas
+Pleydell's will proves to have been unusually rare and valuable. _There
+used to exist a legend, for which the author can trace no foundation,
+that William had brought it from London during the Great Plague and
+buried it, for want of a strong-room, at White Ladies._ A far more
+probable explanation is that its graceless inheritor surreptitiously
+disposed of the treasure for the same reason as he committed waste,
+viz., to spend the proceeds upon riotous living.'"
+
+Dumbly we stared at the reader....
+
+The murder was out.
+
+Berry whipped out his watch.
+
+"Nine o'clock," he announced. "We can do nothing to-night. And that
+sweep Vandy's got a long lead. We haven't a moment to lose. Who are the
+agents for The Lawn?"
+
+"It's on the board," said I, "and I've read it a thousand times, but I'm
+hanged if I can remember whether it's Miller of Brooch, or a London
+firm."
+
+"Slip over there the first thing in the morning," said Jonah. "If it's
+Miller, so much the better. You can go straight on to Brooch. If it's a
+London man--well, there's always the telephone."
+
+"I hope to heaven," said Daphne, "it's--it's still for sale."
+
+"Vandy's got Scotch blood in him," said Berry. "He won't lay out fifteen
+hundred or so without looking round."
+
+"More like three thousand," said Jonah.
+
+"It's a lot of money to risk," said Daphne slowly.
+
+"Yes," said Adele anxiously. "I feel that. I know it's your affair, but,
+if it hadn't been for my dream, this would never have happened. And
+supposing there's nothing in it.... I mean, it would be dreadful to
+think you'd thrown away all that money and gotten nothing in exchange.
+And they always say that dreams are contrary."
+
+"Let's face the facts," said my brother-in-law. "Taking everything into
+consideration, doesn't it look like a vision, or second sight?"
+
+We agreed vociferously. Only Adele looked ill at ease.
+
+Berry continued.
+
+"Very well, then. Less than a month ago all our silver was taken off us
+by comic burglars. Doesn't it look as if we were being offered the
+chance of replacing it by something better?"
+
+Again we agreed.
+
+"Lastly, the insurance company has paid up to the tune of four thousand
+pounds, which amount is now standing to the credit of my deposit account
+at Coutts'. I tell you, if we don't have a dart, we shall be mad."
+
+"I agree," said I.
+
+"So do I," cried Jill. "I'm all for it."
+
+Only Daphne and Jonah hesitated.
+
+I laid my hand upon the former's shoulder.
+
+"Supposing," I said, "we take no action, but Vandy does. Supposing he
+strikes oil and lands the stuff under our noses.... Wouldn't you
+cheerfully blow the four thousand just to avoid that?"
+
+My sister's eyes flashed, and Jonah's chin went up.
+
+"Anything," said Daphne emphatically, "anything would be better than
+that."
+
+So was the decision made.
+
+We adjourned to the drawing-room, and for the rest of the evening
+discussed the matter furiously.
+
+The suggestion that Vandy would not wait to buy, but had already got to
+work at The Lawn, was summarily dismissed. Our cousin was too cautious
+for that. He knew that the moment we had the book, we should be as wise
+as he, and that, since we were at loggerheads, we should certainly not
+sit quietly by and permit him to enrich himself to our teeth, when a
+word to the owners of The Lawn would compel him to disgorge any treasure
+he found. No, Vandy was no fool. He would walk circumspectly, and buy
+first and dig afterwards.
+
+It was Jonah who raised the question of "treasure trove." In some
+uneasiness we sought for a book of law. Investigation, however,
+satisfied us that, if the plate were ever unearthed, the Crown would not
+interfere. Evidence that an ancestor had buried it was available, and
+reference to the will of Nicholas would establish its identity. Whether
+it belonged to us or to Vandy was another matter, but Reason suggested
+that Law and Equity alike would favour the party in whose land it was
+found.
+
+We ordered breakfast early and the car at a quarter to nine, but, for
+all that, it was past midnight before we went to bed.
+
+The next morning, for once in a way, we were up to time. Two minutes
+after the quarter we were all six in the car, and it was not yet nine
+o'clock when Jonah pulled up in the shade of a mighty oak less than a
+hundred paces from the tall iron gates which stood gaunt, rusty and
+forbidding, to mar the beauty of the quiet by-road.
+
+So far as we could see there was no one about, but we were anxious not
+to attract attention, so Berry and I alighted and strolled casually
+forward.
+
+The object of our visit was, of course, to learn from the board in whose
+hands the property had been placed for sale. But we had decided that, if
+it were possible, we must effect an entrance, to see whether the turf
+about the sundial had been disturbed. Moreover, if we could get Adele
+inside, it would be highly interesting to see whether she recognized the
+place.
+
+Wired on to the mouldering gates, a weather-beaten board glared at us.
+
+_FREEHOLD
+with immediate possession
+TO BE SOLD
+This Very Desirable
+OLD-WORLD MANSION
+Standing in three acres of pleasure grounds
+And only requiring certain structural repairs
+To be made an ideal modern residence.
+F. R. MILLER, Estate Agent, High St., Brooch._
+
+Considering that the house had been gutted nearly twenty years ago, and
+had stood as the fire had left it from then until now, the advertisement
+was euphemistic.
+
+By dint of peering between the corrupted bars, it was possible to see
+for ourselves the desolation. A press of nettles crowded about the
+scorched and blackened walls, square gaping mouths, that had been
+windows, showed from the light within that there was no roof, while here
+and there charred timbers thrust their unsightly way from out of a riot
+of brambles, wild and disorderly. What we could see of the garden was a
+very wilderness. Tall rank grass flourished on every side, carriage-way
+and borders alike had been blotted into a springing waste, and the few
+sprawling shrubs which we could recognize hardly emerged from beneath
+the choking smother of luxuriant bindweed.
+
+The gates were chained and padlocked. But they were not difficult to
+scale, and in a moment Berry and I were over and standing knee-deep in
+the long wet grass.
+
+Stealthily we made our way to the back of the house....
+
+The sundial was just visible. The grass of what had once been a trim
+lawn rose up about the heavy pedestal, coarse and tumultuous. But it was
+untouched. No foot of man or beast had trodden it--lately, at any rate.
+
+Simultaneously we heaved sighs of relief.
+
+Then--
+
+"Adele'll never recognize this," said Berry. "It's hopeless. What she
+saw was a lawn, not a prairie." I nodded. "Still," he went on, "there
+used to be a door in the wall--on the east side." As he spoke, he turned
+and looked sharply at the haggard building. "Thought I heard something,"
+he added.
+
+"Did you?"
+
+I swung on my heel, and together we stared and listened. Eyes and ears
+alike went unrewarded. The silence of desolation hung like a ragged
+pall, gruesome and deathly....
+
+Without a word we passed to the east of the ruin. After a little we came
+to the door in the wall. Here was no lock, and with a little patience we
+drew the bolts and pulled the door open. It gave on to a little lane,
+which ran into the by-road at a point close to where the others were
+waiting.
+
+I left Berry and hastened back to the car.
+
+Exclamations of surprise greeted my issuing from the lane, and I could
+read the same unspoken query in four faces at once.
+
+"We're first in the field so far," I said. There was a gasp of relief.
+"Come along. We've found a way for you."
+
+Adele and Jill were already out of the car. Daphne and Jonah made haste
+to alight.
+
+"Think we can leave her?" said Jonah, with a nod at the Rolls.
+
+"Oh, yes. We shan't be a minute."
+
+Hurriedly we padded back the way I had come. Berry was still at the
+door, and in silence we followed him to where he and I had stood looking
+and listening a few minutes before.
+
+"O-o-oh!" cried Jill, in an excited whisper.
+
+"What about it, Adele?" said Berry.
+
+Adele looked about her, knitting her brows. Then--
+
+"I'm afraid to say anything," she said. "It may be the place I sat. I
+can't say it isn't. But it's so altered. I think, if the grass was
+cut...."
+
+"What did I say?" said my brother-in-law.
+
+"But the pedestal was exactly that height. That I'll swear. And it stood
+on a step."
+
+"What did the words look like?" said I.
+
+"They were carved in block letters on the side of the cornice."
+
+As carefully as I could, I stepped to the sundial. As I came up to it,
+my foot encountered a step....
+
+The column was unusually massive, and the dial must have been two feet
+square. Lichened and weather-beaten, an inscription upon the cornice was
+yet quite easy to read.
+
+PEREUNT ET IMPUTANTUR
+
+And the words were carved in block lettering....
+
+A buzz of excitement succeeded my report. Then Daphne turned quickly and
+looked searchingly at the house.
+
+"I feel as if we were being watched," she said, shuddering. "Let's get
+back to the car."
+
+As Jonah followed the girls into the lane--
+
+"What about bolting the door?" said I.
+
+Berry shook his head.
+
+"Doesn't matter," he said. "Any way, we've trodden the grass down.
+Besides, there's nothing to hide."
+
+We dragged the door to and hastened after the others.
+
+As we climbed into the car, Jonah started the engine.
+
+"What are the orders?" he said. "Is Miller the agent? You never said."
+
+"Yes," said I. "We'd better go straight to Brooch."
+
+Our way lay past the main entrance of The Lawn.
+
+As we approached this, Jonah exclaimed and set his foot on the brake.
+
+Leaning against the wall was a bicycle, and there was a man's figure
+busy about the gates. He appeared to be climbing over....
+
+As we came up alongside, he looked at us curiously. Then he went on with
+his work.
+
+A moment later he slid a pair of pliers into his pocket and, wringing
+the board clear of its fastenings, lowered it to the ground.
+
+We were too late.
+
+The Lawn was no longer for sale.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Our chagrin may be imagined more easily than it can be described.
+
+We returned to White Ladies in a state of profound depression,
+alternately cursing Vandy and upbraiding ourselves for not having sent
+for the book upon the evening of the day of our visit to Broken Ash.
+
+Jonah reproached himself bitterly for giving our cousin the benefit of
+his detective work, although both Daphne and I were positive that Vandy
+had identified the pedestal from Adele's description before Jonah had
+volunteered the suggestion that it was a sundial.
+
+As for Adele, she was inconsolable.
+
+It was after lunch--a miserable meal--when we were seated upon the
+terrace, that Berry cleared his throat and spoke wisely and to the
+point.
+
+"The milk's spilt," he said, "and that's that. So we may as well dry our
+eyes. With that perishing motto staring us in the face, we might have
+had the sense to be a bit quicker off the mark. But it's always the
+obvious that you never see. Vandy's beaten us by a foul, but there ain't
+no stewards to appeal to, so we've got to stick it. All the same, he's
+got some digging to do before he can draw the money, and I'm ready to
+lay a monkey that he does it himself. What's more, the last thing he'll
+want is to be disturbed. In fact, any interference with his work of
+excavation will undoubtedly shorten his life. Properly organized
+innocent interference will probably affect his reason. Our course of
+action is therefore clear.
+
+"Unable to procure his beastly book--our copy cannot be found--we have
+forgotten the incident. It comes to our ears that he has bought The Lawn
+and is in possession. What more natural than that some of us should
+repair thither, to congratulate him upon becoming our neighbour? We
+shall roll up quite casually--by way of the door in the wall--and, when
+we find him labouring, affect the utmost surprise. Of our good nature we
+might even offer to help him to--er--relay the lawn or tackle the
+drains, or whatever he's doing. In any event we shall enact the _role_
+of the village idiot, till between the respective gadflies of
+suspicion--which he dare not voice--and impatience--which he dare not
+reveal--he will be goaded into a condition of frenzy. What about it?"
+
+The idea was heartily approved, and we became more cheerful.
+
+Immediate arrangements were made for the entrance to The Lawn to be
+watched for the next twenty-four hours by reliefs of out-door servants
+whom we could trust, and instructions were issued that the moment Mr.
+Vandy Pleydell put in an appearance, whether by day or night, we were to
+be informed.
+
+At eight o'clock the next morning Berry came into my room.
+
+"They're off," he said. "Thirty-five minutes ago Vandy and Emma and May
+arrived, unaccompanied, in a four-wheeled dogcart. He'd got the key of
+the gates, but the difficulty of getting them open single-handed appears
+to have been titanic. They seem to have stuck, or something. Altogether,
+according to James, a most distressing scene. However. Eventually they
+got inside and managed to shut the gates after them. In the dogcart
+there was a scythe and a whole armoury of tools."
+
+I got out of bed and looked at him.
+
+"After breakfast?" I queried.
+
+My brother-in-law nodded.
+
+"I think so. We'll settle the premises as we go."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+As we were approaching The Lawn, I looked at my watch. It was just a
+quarter to ten.
+
+The little door in the wall was still unbolted, and a very little
+expenditure of energy sufficed to admit my brother-in-law, Nobby, and
+myself into the garden.
+
+So far as the Sealyham was concerned, 'the Wilderness was Paradise
+enow.' Tail up, he plunged into the welter of grass, leaping and
+wallowing and panting with surprise and delight at a playground which
+surpassed his wildest dreams. For a moment we watched him amusedly. Then
+we pushed the door to and started to saunter towards the house.
+
+It was a glorious day, right at the end of August. Out of a flawless sky
+the sun blazed, broiling and merciless. There was nowhere a breath of
+wind, and in the sheltered garden--always a sun-trap--the heat was
+stifling.
+
+As we drew near, the sound of voices, raised in bitterness, fell upon
+our ears, and we rounded the corner of the building to find Vandy
+waist-high in the grass about the sundial, shaking a sickle at his
+sisters, who were seated upon carriage cushions, which had been laid
+upon the flags, and demanding furiously "how the devil they expected him
+to reap with a sweeping motion when the god-forsaken lawn was full of
+molehills."
+
+"Quite right," said Berry. "It can't be done."
+
+Emma and May screamed, and Vandy jumped as if he had been shot. Then,
+with a snarl, he turned to face us, crouching a little, like a beast at
+bay. Before he could utter a word, Berry was off.
+
+Advancing with an air of engaging frankness, which would have beguiled
+the most hardened cynic, he let loose upon our cousin a voluminous flood
+of chatter, which drowned his protests ere they were mouthed,
+overwhelmed his inquiries ere they were launched, and finally swept him
+off his feet into the whirlpool of uncertainty, fear and bewilderment
+before he knew where he was.
+
+We had only just heard of his purchase, were delighted to think we were
+to be neighbours, had had no idea he was contemplating a move, had
+always said what a jolly little nook it was, never could understand why
+it had been in the market so long, thought we might find him here taking
+a look round, wanted to see him, so decided to kill two birds with one
+stone.... What about the jolly old book? Had it come back from the
+binders? We couldn't find ours, thought it must be in Town.... The girls
+were devilling the life out of him to look it up. Was it William or
+Nicholas? He thought it was William. Hadn't Vandy said it was William?
+What was the blinking use, any old way? And what a day I He'd got a bet
+with Jonah that the thermometer touched ninety-seven before noon. What
+did Vandy think? And what on earth was he doing with the pruning-hook?
+And/or ploughshare on his left front? Oh, a scythe. Of course. Wouldn't
+he put it down? It made him tired to look at it. And was he reclaiming
+the lawn? Or only looking for a tennis-ball? Of course, what he really
+wanted was a cutter-and-binder, a steam-roller, and a gang of
+convicts....
+
+I had been prepared to support the speaker, but, after three minutes of
+this, I left his side and sat down on the flags.
+
+At last Berry paused for breath, and Emma, who had hurriedly composed
+and been rehearsing a plausible appreciation of the state of affairs,
+and was fidgeting to get it off her chest, thrust her way into the gap.
+
+Well, the truth was, they were going to take up French gardening. There
+was no room at Broken Ash, and, besides, they must have a walled garden.
+Building nowadays was such a frightful expense, and suddenly they'd
+thought of The Lawn. It was sheltered, just the right size, not too far
+away, and all they had to do was to clear the ground. And Vandy was so
+impatient that nothing would satisfy him but to start at once. "He'll
+get tired of it in a day or two," she added artlessly, "but you know
+what he is."
+
+For an improvised exposition of proceedings so extraordinary, I thought
+her rendering extremely creditable.
+
+So, I think, did Vandy, for he threw an approving glance in her
+direction, heaved a sigh of relief, and screwed up his mouth into a
+sickly smile.
+
+"Took up gardening during the War," he announced. "I--we all did. Any
+amount of money in it. Quite surprised me. But," he added, warming to
+his work, "it's the same with gardening as with everything else In this
+world. The most valuable asset is the personal element. If you want a
+thing well done, do it yourself. Ha! Ha!"
+
+My brother-in-law looked round, regarding the howling riot of waste.
+
+"And where," he said, "shall you plant the asparagus?"
+
+Vandy started and dropped the sickle. Then he gave a forced laugh.
+
+"You must give us a chance," he said. "We've got a long way to go before
+we get to that. All this"--he waved an unbusiness-like arm, and his
+voice faltered--"all this has got to be cleared first."
+
+"I suppose it has," said Berry. "Well, don't mind us. You get on with
+it. Short of locusts or an earthquake, it's going to be a long job. I
+suppose you couldn't hire a trench-mortar and shell it for a couple of
+months?"
+
+Apparently Vandy was afraid to trust his voice, for, after swallowing
+twice, he recovered the sickle and started to hack savagely at the grass
+without another word.
+
+With the utmost deliberation, Berry seated himself upon the flagstones
+and, taking out his case, selected a cigarette. With an equally
+leisurely air I produced a pipe and tobacco, and began to make ready to
+smoke. Our cousins regarded these preparations with an uneasiness which
+they ill concealed. Clearly we were not proposing to move. The silence
+of awkwardness and frantically working brains settled upon the company.
+From time to time Emma and May shifted uncomfortably. As he bent about
+his labour, Vandy's eyes bulged more than ever....
+
+Nobby, whom I had forgotten, suddenly reappeared, crawling pleasedly
+from beneath a tangled stack of foliage, of which the core appeared to
+have been a rhododendron. For a moment he stared at us, as if surprised
+at the company we kept. Then his eyes fell upon Vandy.
+
+Enshrined in the swaying grass, the latter's knickerbockers, which had
+been generously fashioned out of a material which had been boldly
+conceived, presented a back view which was most arresting. With his head
+on one side, the terrier gazed at them with such inquisitive
+astonishment that I had to set my teeth so as not to laugh outright. His
+cautious advance to investigate the phenomenon was still more ludicrous,
+and I was quite relieved when our cousin straightened his back and
+dissipated an illusion monstrously worthy of the pen of Mandeville.
+
+But there was better to come.
+
+As the unwitting Vandy, after a speechless glance in our direction, bent
+again to his work, Nobby cast an appraising eye over the area which had
+already received attention. Perceiving a molehill which had suffered an
+ugly gash--presumably from a scythe--he trotted up to explore, and,
+clapping his nose to the wound, snuffed long and thoughtfully. The next
+moment he was digging like one possessed.
+
+Emma and May stiffened with a shock. With the tail of my eye I saw them
+exchange horror-stricken glances. Panic fear sat in their eyes. Their
+fingers moved convulsively. Then, with one consent, they began to
+cough....
+
+Their unconscious brother worked on.
+
+So did the Sealyham, but with a difference. While the one toiled, the
+other was in his element. A shower of earth flew from between his legs,
+only ceasing for a short moment, when he preferred to rend the earth
+with his jaws and so facilitate the excavation.
+
+The coughing became insistent, frantic, impossible to be disregarded....
+
+As I was in the act of turning to express my concern Vandy looked up,
+followed the direction of four starting eyes, and let out a screech of
+dismay.
+
+"What on earth's the matter?" cried Berry, getting upon his feet. "Been
+stung, or something?"
+
+With a trembling forefinger Vandy indicated the miscreant.
+
+"Stop him!" he yelled. "Call him off. He'll-he'll spoil the lawn."
+
+"Ruin it," shrilled Emma.
+
+"Where?" said Berry blankly. "What lawn?"
+
+"_This_ lawn!" roared Vandy, stamping his foot.
+
+"But I thought----"
+
+"I don't care what you thought. Call the brute off. It's my land, and I
+won't have it."
+
+"Nobby," said Berry, "come off the bowling green."
+
+Scrambling to my feet, I countersigned the order in a peremptory tone.
+Aggrievedly the terrier complied. My brother-in-law turned to Vandy with
+an injured air.
+
+"I fear," he said stiffly, "that we are unwelcome." Instinctively Emma
+and May made as though they would protest. In some dignity Berry lifted
+his hand. "I may be wrong," he said. "I hope so. But from the first I
+felt that your manner was strained. Subsequent events suggest that my
+belief was well founded." He turned to Vandy. "May I ask you to let us
+out? I am reluctant to trouble you, but to scale those gates twice in
+one morning is rather more than I care about."
+
+Fearful lest our surprise at our reception should become crystallized
+into an undesirable suspicion, short of pressing us to remain, our
+cousins did everything to smooth our ruffled plumage.
+
+Vandy threw down the sickle and advanced with an apologetic leer. Emma
+and May, wreathed in smiles, protested nervously that they had known the
+work was too much for Vandy, and begged us to think no more of it. As we
+followed the latter round to the quondam drive, they waved a cordial
+farewell.
+
+The sight of the four-wheeled dogcart, standing with upturned shafts, a
+pickaxe, three shovels, a rake, two forks, a number of sacks, and a
+sieve piled anyhow by its side, was most engaging; but, after bestowing
+a casual glance upon the paraphernalia, Berry passed by without a word.
+Vandy went a rich plum colour, hesitated, and then plunged on
+desperately. Tethered by a halter to a tree, a partially harnessed bay
+mare suspended the process of mastication to fix us with a suspicious
+stare. Her also we passed in silence.
+
+After a blasphemous struggle with the gates, whose objection to opening
+was literally rooted and based upon custom, our host succeeded in
+forcing them apart sufficiently to permit our egress, and we gave him
+"Good day."
+
+In silence we strolled down the road.
+
+When we came to the lane, Berry stopped dead.
+
+"Brother," he said, "I perceive it to be my distasteful duty to return.
+There is an omission which I must repair."
+
+"You're not serious?" said I. "The fellow'll murder you."
+
+"No, he won't," said Berry. "He'll probably burst a blood-vessel, and,
+with luck, he may even have a stroke. But he won't murder me. You see."
+And, with that, he turned down the lane towards the door in the wall.
+
+Nobby and I followed.
+
+A moment later we were once more in the garden.
+
+The scene upon which we came was big with promise.
+
+Staggering over the frantic employment of a pickaxe, Vandy was
+inflicting grievous injury upon the turf about the very spot at which
+the terrier had been digging. Standing well out of range, his sisters
+were regarding the exhibition with clasped hands and looks of mingled
+excitement and apprehension. All three were so much engrossed that,
+until Berry spoke, they were not aware of our presence.
+
+"I'm so sorry to interrupt you again"--Emma and May screamed, and Vandy
+endeavoured to check his implement in mid-swing, and only preserved his
+balance and a whole skin as by a miracle--"but, you know, I quite forgot
+to ask you about the book. And, as that was really our main object
+in----"
+
+The roar of a wild beast cut short the speaker.
+
+Bellowing incoherently, trembling with passion, his mouth working, his
+countenance distorted with rage, Vandy shook his fist at his tormentor
+in a fit of ungovernable fury.
+
+"Get out of it!" he yelled. "Get out of it! I won't have this intrusion.
+It's monstrous. I won't stand it. I tell you----"
+
+"Hush, Vandy, hush!" implored his sisters in agonized tones.
+
+Berry raised his eyebrows.
+
+"Really," he said slowly, "anybody would think that you had something to
+hide."
+
+Then he turned on his heel.
+
+I was about to follow his example, when my cousin's bloodshot eye
+perceived that Nobby was once more Innocently investigating the scene of
+his labour. With a choking cry our host sprang forward and raised the
+pick....
+
+Unaware of his peril, the dog snuffed on.
+
+One of the women screamed....
+
+Desperately I flung myself forward.
+
+The pick was falling as I struck it aside. Viciously it jabbed its way
+into the earth.
+
+For a long time Vandy and I faced one another, breathing heavily. I
+watched the blood fading out of the fellow's cheeks. At length--
+
+"Be thankful," said I, "that I was in time. Otherwise----"
+
+I hesitated, and Vandy took a step backwards and put a hand to his
+throat.
+
+"Exactly," I said.
+
+Then I plucked the pick from the ground, stepped a few paces apart, and,
+taking the implement with both hands, spun round and threw it from me as
+if it had been a hammer.
+
+It sailed over some lime trees and crashed out of sight into some
+foliage.
+
+Then I called the terrier and strode past my brother-in-law in the
+direction of the postern.
+
+Berry fell in behind and followed me without a word.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+"But why," said I, "shouldn't you tell me the day of your birth? I'm not
+asking the year."
+
+"1895," said Adele.
+
+I sighed.
+
+"Why," she inquired, "do you want to know?"
+
+"So that I can observe the festival as it deserves. Spend the day at
+Margate, or go to a cinema, or something. I might even wear a false
+nose. You never know. It's an important date in my calendar."
+
+"How many people have you said that to?"
+
+I laughed bitterly.
+
+"If I told you the truth," I said, "you wouldn't believe me."
+
+There was a museful silence.
+
+It was three days and more since Berry and I had visited The Lawn, and
+Vandy and Co. were still at work. So much had been reported by an
+under-gardener. For ourselves, we had finished with our cousins for good
+and all. The brutal attack upon our favourite was something we could not
+forget, and for a man whom beastly rage could so much degrade we had no
+use. Naturally enough, his sisters went with him. Orders were given to
+the servants that to callers from Broken Ash Daphne was "not at home,"
+and we were one and all determined, so far as was possible, never to see
+or communicate with Vandy or his sisters again. It was natural, however,
+that we should be deeply interested in the success or failure of his
+venture. We prayed fervently, but without much hope, that it might
+fail.... After all, it was always on the cards that another had stumbled
+long since upon the treasure, or that a thief had watched its burial and
+later come privily and unearthed it. We should see.
+
+"I wonder you aren't ashamed of yourself," said Miss Feste. "At your age
+you ought to have sown all your wild oats."
+
+"So I have," I said stoutly. "And they weren't at all wild, either. I've
+never seen such a miserable crop. As soon as the sun rose, they all
+withered away."
+
+"The sun?"
+
+I turned and looked at her. The steady brown eyes held mine with a
+searching look. I met it faithfully. After a few seconds they turned
+away.
+
+"The sun?" she repeated quietly.
+
+"The sun, Adele. The sun that rose in America in 1895. Out of the foam
+of the sea. I can't tell you the date, but it must have been a beautiful
+day."
+
+There was a pause. Then--
+
+"How interesting!" said Adele. "So it withered them up, did it?"
+
+I nodded.
+
+"You see, Adele, they had no root."
+
+"None of them?"
+
+"None."
+
+Adele looked straight ahead of her into the box-hedge, which rose, stiff
+and punctilious, ten paces away, the counterpart of that beneath which
+we were sitting. For once in a way, her merry smile was missing. In its
+stead Gravity sat in her eyes, hung on the warm red lips. I had known
+her solemn before, but not like this. The proud face looked very
+resolute. There was a strength about the lift of the delicate chin, a
+steadfast fearlessness about the poise of the well-shaped
+head--unworldly wonders, which I had never seen. Over the glorious
+temples the soft dark hair swept rich and lustrous. The exquisite column
+of her neck rose from her flowered silk gown with matchless elegance.
+Her precious hands, all rosy, lay in her lap. Crossed legs gave me
+twelve inches of slim silk stocking and a satin slipper, dainty
+habiliments, not half so dainty as their slender charge....
+
+The stable clock struck the half-hour.
+
+Half-past six. People had been to tea--big-wigs--and we were resting
+after our labours. It was the perfect evening of a true summer's day.
+
+Nobby appeared in the foreground, strolling unconcernedly over the turf
+and pausing now and again to snuff the air or follow up an odd clue of
+scent that led him a foot or so before it died away and came to nothing.
+
+"How," said Adele slowly, "did you come by Nobby?"
+
+Painfully distinct, the wraith of Josephine Childe rose up before me,
+pale and accusing. Fragments of the letter which had offered me the
+Sealyham re-wrote themselves upon my brain.... _It nearly breaks my
+heart to say so, but I've got to part with Nobby.... I think you'd get
+on together ... if you'd like to have him._ ... And there was nothing in
+it. It was a case of smoke without fire. But--I could have spared the
+question just then....
+
+Desperately I related the truth.
+
+"A girl called Josephine Childe gave him to me. She wanted to find a
+home for him, as she was going overseas."
+
+"Oh."
+
+The silence that followed this non-committal remark was most
+discomfiting. I had a feeling that the moments were critical, and--they
+were slipping away. Should I leap into the tide of explanation? That
+way, perhaps, lay safety. Always the quicksand of _Qui s'excuse,
+s'accuse_, made me draw back. I became extremely nervous.... Feverishly
+I tried to think of a remark which would be natural and more or less
+relevant, and would pilot us into a channel of conversation down which
+we could swim with confidence. Of all the legion of topics, the clemency
+of the weather alone occurred to me. I could have screamed....
+
+The firebrand itself came to my rescue.
+
+Tired of amusing himself, the terrier retrieved an old ball from beneath
+the hedge and, trotting across the sward, laid it down at my feet.
+
+Gratefully I picked it up and flung it for him to fetch.
+
+It fell into a thick welter of ivy which Time had built into a bulging
+buttress of greenery against the old grey wall at the end of the walk.
+
+The dog sped after it, his short legs flying....
+
+The spell was broken, and I felt better.
+
+"You mustn't think he's a root, though," I said cheerfully, "because he
+isn't. When did you say your birthday was?"
+
+"I didn't," said Adele. "Still, if you must know, I was born on August
+the thirtieth."
+
+"To-day! Oh, Adele. And I've nothing for you Except...." I hesitated,
+and my heart began to beat very fast. "But I'd be ashamed--I mean...."
+My voice petered out helplessly. I braced myself for a supreme
+effort....
+
+An impatient yelp rang out.
+
+"What's the matter with Nobby?" said Adele in a voice I hardly
+recognized.
+
+"Fed up, 'cause I've lost his ball for him," said I, and, cowardly glad
+of a respite, I rose and stepped to the aged riot of ivy, where the
+terrier was searching for his toy.
+
+I pulled a hole in the arras and peered through.
+
+There was more space than I had expected. The grey wall bellied away
+from me.
+
+"What's that?" said Adele, looking over my shoulder.
+
+"What?" said I.
+
+"There. To the right."
+
+It was dark under the ivy, so I thrust in a groping arm.
+
+Almost at once my hand encountered the smooth edge of masonry.
+
+I took out a knife and ripped away some trails, so that we could see
+better.
+
+There was nothing to show that the pedestal which my efforts revealed
+had ever supported a statue. But it was plain that such was the office
+for which it had been set up. Presumably it was one of the series which,
+according to Vandy's book, had displayed imaginative effigies of the
+Roman Emperors, and had been done away in 1710. The inscription upon the
+cornice upheld this conclusion.
+
+PERTINAX IMPERATOR.
+
+I looked at Adele.
+
+"PER ... IMP ..." said I. "Does the cap fit?"
+
+"Yes," she said simply. "That's right. I remember it perfectly. The
+other seemed likely, but I was never quite sure." Trembling a little,
+she turned and looked round. "And you came out of that break in the
+hedge with the tomato, and----Oh!"
+
+She stopped, and the colour came flooding into her cheeks....
+
+Then, in a flash, she turned and sped down the alley like a wild thing.
+As in a dream, I watched the tall slim figure dart out of sight....
+
+A second impatient yelp reminded me that Nobby was still waiting.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+The firm of silversmiths whom we employed to clean the collection, after
+it had been disinterred, valued it for purposes of insurance at
+twenty-two thousand pounds.
+
+We saw no reason to communicate with Vandy. The exercise was probably
+doing him good, and he had shown a marked antipathy to interruption. A
+tent had been pitched at The Lawn, and the work of excavation went
+steadily on. Not until the twenty-eighth of September did it suddenly
+cease.
+
+Three days later we had occasion to drive into Brooch. We returned by
+way of The Lawn. As we approached the entrance, I slowed up....
+
+From the tall gates a brand-new board flaunted its black and white
+paint.
+
+But the legend it bore was the same.
+
+Mr. Miller was evidently a Conservative.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER XI
+
+HOW NOBBY MET BLUE BANDALA, AND ADELE GAVE JONAH A KISS.
+
+
+"Listen to this," said Berry.
+
+"_SIR_,--_Shortly before six o'clock this evening an extremely valuable
+Chow, by name Blue Bandala, which I purchased last March for no less a
+sum than six hundred pounds, was brutally attacked in Bilberry village
+by a rough-haired mongrel, which was accompanying two girls. I am given
+to understand that this animal belongs to you. I was at first determined
+to issue a summons, but I have now decided to give you a chance before
+doing so. If it amuses you to keep such a cur about your house, there is
+nothing to prevent you from so doing. But you must understand that once
+it leaves your property it must be under proper and effective control,
+and if it ever attacks a dog of mine again, I shall either destroy it
+upon the spot or apply to the Bench for its destruction. I may say that
+Blue Bandala is not only very well bred, but a very quiet and friendly
+dog, and was in no way to blame for what occurred._
+
+_HERBERT BASON._
+
+_B. PLEYDELL, White Ladies._"
+
+The explosion which the reading of this letter provoked is
+indescribable.
+
+"It's a lie!" cried Jill in a choking voice. "It's a beastly lie. His
+dog started it. Nobby would never have touched him. He wasn't paying any
+attention. The Chow came up from behind and just fell upon him. And how
+dare he say he's a mongrel? It's just one lie after another, isn't it,
+Adele?"
+
+"It's outrageous," said Miss Feste. "Directly I saw the other dog I
+thought he meant mischief, but before I could tell Jill, he'd started
+in. Nobby didn't even know he was there."
+
+The door opened, and dinner was announced.
+
+"Falcon," said Berry.
+
+"Sir," said the butler.
+
+"Who brought this note?"
+
+"It was a chauffeur, sir. I don't know 'im by sight, sir."
+
+We filed out of the library, smouldering with resentment.
+
+"But what an awful man he must be," said Daphne. "Even if our dog had
+been in the wrong, that's no reason for writing a letter like that."
+
+"It's unpardonable," said I. "It's quite bad enough to have him living
+in the neighbourhood, but if this is the way he's going to behave...." I
+turned to Adele. "Was his manner very bad at the time?"
+
+"He seemed more rattled than anything else. He was clearly afraid to
+interfere. Jill and I got them apart, as I told you. He got very red in
+the face, but beyond muttering with his teeth clenched, he never said a
+word."
+
+"Must have gone straight home and got it off his chest," said Jonah. "I
+expect he's awfully proud of that letter, if the truth were known."
+
+"Well, don't let's dwell on it," said Berry, regarding the oysters which
+had been set before him. "After dinner will do. You hardly ever go down
+with typhoid within six hours." He turned to Adele. "Bet you I've got
+more strepsicocci than you have," he added pleasantly.
+
+"Shut up," said Daphne. "Adele dear, d'you like oysters? Because, don't
+you eat them if you don't."
+
+"No, don't," said Berry. "If you don't, whatever you do, don't. And
+whatever you don't, I will."
+
+Adele looked at him with a mischievous smile.
+
+"I couldn't bear," she said, "to have your blood on my head."
+
+Then she glanced gratefully at Daphne and picked up a fork.
+
+Mr. Herbert Bason had arisen out of the cloud of War. The time had
+produced the man. The storm had burst just in the nick of time to save
+the drooping theatrical interests which he controlled, and the fruit
+which these had borne steadily for the best part of five long years had
+been truly phenomenal. A patriot to the backbone, the bewildered
+proprietor obtained absolute exemption from the Tribunal, turned the
+first six rows of all his pits into stalls, and bought War Loan with
+both hands. It was after the second air-raid upon London that he decided
+to take a house in the country.... Less than a year ago he had disposed
+of his music-halls and had settled near Bilberry for good.
+
+"By the way," said Daphne, "did I tell you? The laundry's struck."
+
+"Thank you," said her husband, "for that phrase."
+
+"Don't mention it," said my sister. "But I thought you'd like to know.
+Heaven knows when they'll go back, so I should go easy with your stiff
+collars and shirts."
+
+"What, have the saws stopped working?" said Berry. "I can't bear it."
+
+"What about my trousers?" said I. "I've only one clean pair left."
+
+Daphne shrugged her white shoulders.
+
+"What about my tablecloths?" she replied.
+
+Berry addressed himself to Adele.
+
+"We live in pleasant times, do not we? Almost a golden age. I wonder
+what the trouble is now. Probably some absent-minded _blanchisseuse_ has
+gone and ironed twenty socks in ten minutes instead of ten socks in
+twenty minutes, without thinking. And the management refuse to sack her
+for this grievous lapse into the slough of pre-War Industry, out of
+which a provident Trade Union has blackmailed her to climb."
+
+"I've no doubt you're right," said I. "The question is, where are we
+going to end? It's the same everywhere. And the mere thought of Income
+Tax sends my temperature up."
+
+"Ah," said Berry. "I had a quiet hour with the Book of the Words, issued
+by that Fun Palace, Somerset House, this afternoon. _Income Tax, and How
+to Pay it._ Commonly styled, with unconscious humour, The Income Tax
+Return. By the time I was through I had made out that, if I render a
+statement according to the printed instructions, my tax will exceed my
+income by one hundred and forty-four pounds. If, on the other hand, I
+make an incorrect return, I shall be fined fifty pounds and treble the
+tax payable. You really don't get a look in."
+
+"If you say much more," groaned Jonah, "you'll spoil my appetite. When I
+reflect that in 1913 and a burst of piety I sent the Chancellor of the
+Exchequer a postal order for eight and sixpence by way of Conscience
+Money, I feel positively sick."
+
+"Not piety," corrected my brother-in-law. "Drink. I remember you had
+some very bad goes about then."
+
+"What a terrible memory you have!" said Adele. "I feel quite uneasy."
+
+"Fear not, sweet one," was the reply. "Before I retail your
+indiscretions I shall send you a list of them, with the price of
+omission clearly marked against each in red ink. The writing will be all
+blurred with my tears." Here Adele declined a second vegetable. "There,
+now. I've gone and frightened you. And marrow's wonderful for the spine.
+Affords instant relief. And you needn't eat the seeds. Spit them over
+your left shoulder. That'll bring you luck."
+
+There was an outraged clamour of feminine protest.
+
+"I won't have it," said Daphne. "Disgusting brute!"
+
+"And that," said Jonah, "is the sodden mountebank who dares to cast a
+stone into the limpid pool of my character. That is the overfed
+sluggard----"
+
+"Take this down, somebody," said Berry. "The words'll scorch up the
+paper, but never mind. Record the blasphemy. Capital 'M' for
+'mountebank.' 'Sluggard' with an 'H.' And I'm not overfed."
+
+"You're getting fatter every day," said Jill, gurgling.
+
+"That's right," said my brother-in-law. "Bay the old lion. And bring
+down these grey hairs in----"
+
+"Talking of mountebanks," said I, "who's going to Fallow Hill Fair?"
+
+"Adele ought to see it," said Daphne. "Why don't you run her over in the
+car?"
+
+"I will, if she'd like to go. It's a real bit of old England."
+
+"I agree," said Berry. "What with the cocoa-nut shies and the steam
+roundabouts, you'd think you were back in the Middle Ages. I think I'll
+come, too."
+
+"Then you go alone," said I. "I don't forget the last time you went."
+
+"What happened?" said Adele, her eyes lighted with expectation.
+
+Berry sighed.
+
+"It was most unfortunate," he said. "You see, it was like this. B-behind
+a b-barrier there was a b-booth with a lot of b-bottles, at which you
+were b-bothered to throw b-balls. If you b-broke three b-bottles----"
+
+"This nervous alliteration," interposed Adele, "is more than I can
+b-bear."
+
+"--you received a guerdon which you were encouraged to select from a
+revolting collection of bric-a-brac which was displayed in all its glory
+upon an adjacent stall. Laden with munitions, I advanced to the
+rails.... Unhappily, in the excitement of the moment, I mistook my
+objective.... It was a most natural error. Both were arranged in tiers,
+both were pleading for destruction."
+
+"Nonsense," said Daphne. "You did it on purpose. You know you did. I
+never saw anything more deliberate in all my life."
+
+"Not at all," replied her husband. "I was confused. A large and critical
+crowd had collected to watch my prowess, and I was pardonably nervous."
+
+"But what happened?" said Adele.
+
+"Well," said I, "naturally nobody was expecting such a move, with the
+result that the brute got off about six balls before they could stop
+him. The execution among the prizes was too awful. You see, they were
+only about six feet away. The owner excepted, the assembled populace
+thought it was the funniest thing they'd ever seen."
+
+"Yes," chimed in Jill. "And then he turned round and asked the man how
+many bottles he'd won."
+
+"I never was so ashamed," said Daphne. "Of course the poor man was
+nearly off his head."
+
+"And I paid for the damage," said Jonah.
+
+I looked across at Adele.
+
+"So, if he comes with us," I said, "you know what to expect."
+
+My lady threw back her head and laughed.
+
+"I suppose you're to be trusted," she said.
+
+"Once past the pub," said Berry, "he'll be all right. But if he says he
+feels faint outside the saloon-bar, don't argue with him, but come
+straight home."
+
+"At any rate," said Adele, "I shall have Nobby."
+
+The reference brought us back to Mr. Bason with a rush.
+
+In spite of our resolution to eschew the subject, that gentleman's
+letter was heatedly discussed for the remainder of dinner.
+
+To-day was the third of September, and on the eleventh a dog-show was to
+be held at Brooch. I had not entered Nobby, because I felt that his
+exhibition would probably cause us more trouble than the proceeding was
+worth. It now occurred to us that Mr. Bason would almost certainly
+enter--had probably long ago entered his precious Chow. Any local
+triumph, however petty and easy for a man of means to procure, would be
+sure to appeal to one of his calibre, and the chance, which the show
+would afford, of encountering, if not accosting, one or two County
+people would be greatly to his relish. Supposing we did enter Nobby....
+
+The idea of beating Mr. Bason in the race for first prize with the
+"rough-haired mongrel" which "it amused us to keep about our house" was
+most appealing.
+
+As soon as dinner was over, Berry rang up the Secretary.
+
+Our surmise was correct. Blue Bandala was entered.
+
+"Well, am I too late to enter a Sealyham?"
+
+"Not if you do it to-morrow," came the reply.
+
+"You shall have the particulars before mid-day."
+
+"Right-oh."
+
+Berry replaced the receiver.
+
+"Little Herbert will take the first prize for Chows," he said. "That
+can't be helped. But he's entered his dog for the 'All Comers,' and
+that's our chance. If we can't lift that goblet from under his ugly
+nose, I'll never smile again."
+
+"What exactly's 'All Comers'?" said Jill.
+
+"The best all-round specimen of any breed. Manners,
+carriage--everything's taken into consideration."
+
+"If personality counts," said Jonah, "Nobby'll romp home."
+
+I regarded our unconscious representative with an appraising eye. Supine
+upon the sofa, with his head out of sight behind Adele, there was little
+to recommend him as a model of deportment. With a sigh I resumed the
+composition of a reply to Mr. Bason's remarkable letter.
+
+When I had finished the draft, I gave it to Berry. The latter read it
+through, nodding solemn approval. Then he repaired to the writing-table
+and copied my sentences, word for word, on to a sheet of notepaper.
+
+As he laid down his pen, he rose to his feet.
+
+"I'll tell you what," he said. "If the blighter replies, and Nobby comes
+off at the show, we'll send this correspondence to the local Press."
+
+"Let's have it," said Jonah.
+
+Berry handed me the letter, and I read it aloud.
+
+_SIR,_
+
+_I have received your note._
+
+_As an alloy of misrepresentation of fact, arrogant bluster and idle
+menaces, I doubt whether it has ever been equalled upon this side of the
+Rhine._
+
+_Indeed, its legibility would appear to be its only merit._
+
+_Not that I care for your style of handwriting, but in these degenerate
+days it is, you will agree, a relief to receive a letter which can be
+easily read._
+
+_You did go a bust on Blue Banana, didn't you?_
+
+_Pray act upon your first impulse and apply for a summons. The Bench
+will not grant your application, but--again you will agree--it is the
+effort, and not the result, which counts._
+
+_It is nice of you to inquire after my Sealyham. He is none the worse,
+thanks, and I fancy he made old Blue Banana sit up._
+
+_Yours faithfully,_
+
+_BERRY PLEYDELL._
+
+_H. BASON, Esq._
+
+_P.S.--You must forgive me for addressing you as "Esquire," but it is
+difficult to break a foolish habit of courtesy which I formed as a
+child. B. P._
+
+"Fifteen thirty," cried Adele, making ready to serve. "Hullo!" She
+pointed with her racket over my shoulder. "Nobby's gone lame."
+
+I swung on my heel to see the terrier limping apologetically towards me,
+and going dead lame upon the near fore.
+
+As he came up, I dropped my racket and fell upon one knee, the better to
+search for the cause of the trouble. Carefully I handled the affected
+limb....
+
+My fingers came to his toes, and the Sealyham winced. With a sigh of
+relief, I laid him upon his back.
+
+"Got it?" said Adele.
+
+I looked up into the beautiful face three inches from mine.
+
+"I fancy so." I bent to peer at the small firm foot. "Yes. Here we are.
+He's picked up a puncture."
+
+The next moment I plucked a substantial thorn from between two strong
+black toes. A warm red tongue touched my restraining fingers in obvious
+gratitude.
+
+"Will he be all right?"--anxiously.
+
+"He shall speak for himself," said I, releasing my patient.
+
+With a galvanic squirm the latter regained his feet, spun into the air,
+gyrated till I felt dizzy, and then streaked round the tennis-lawn, his
+hind feet comically overreaching his fore, steering a zigzag course with
+such inconsequence as suggested that My Lord of Misrule himself was
+directing him by wireless.
+
+It was not worth while finishing our interrupted game, so we strolled
+back to the house. At the top of the stairs we parted, to go and change.
+Directly after lunch we were to leave for the fair.
+
+Six days had elapsed since Nobby's scuffle with the apple of Mr. Bason's
+eye. Life had slipped by uneventfully. The Sealyham had been put upon a
+strict diet and was thoroughly groomed three times a day: my store of
+clean starched linen had dwindled to one shirt and two collars, which,
+distrusting my brother-in-law, I kept under lock and key: and Mr. Bason
+had been stung by our letter into sending a reply which afforded us the
+maximum of gratification. It ran as follows--
+
+_SIR,_
+
+_Your insulting letter to hand._
+
+_I stand by every word of my previous letter._
+
+_The sooner, therefore, that you realize that I am not to be trifled
+with, the better for all concerned._
+
+_You are evidently one of those people who believe that impudent bluff
+will carry them anywhere, and that, with your birth and upbringing
+behind you, you can do as you please. But you are wrong. Among men who
+are men, as distinct from pedantic popinjays, you go for nothing.
+Pshaw._
+
+_HERBERT BASON.
+
+B. PLEYDELL, Esq._
+
+_P.S.--Be good enough to note that my dog's name is "Blue Bandala," not
+"Blue Banana."_
+
+_H. B._
+
+Our reply was dispatched within twenty-four hours.
+
+_SIR,_
+
+_Many thanks for your masterly appreciation of my character._
+
+_We all think "pedantic popinjays" simply splendid. Is it your own?_
+
+_Don't tell old Banana Skin, but I've had the nerve to enter my Sealyham
+for the "All Comers" event at Brooch._
+
+_So glad you're not to be trifled with. Selah._
+
+_Yours faithfully,_
+
+_BERRY PLEYDELL.
+
+H. BASON, Esq._
+
+In two days' time we should meet at Philippi.
+
+It must be confessed that there were moments when we remembered our
+precipitancy in some uneasiness. Nobby was well bred, but he had not
+cost six hundred pounds. Always he looked his best, and his best was
+extremely good. His many excellent points were set off by a most
+attractive air and a singular charm and sprightliness of manner. Every
+movement and pose was full of grace, and he had the brightest eyes that
+I have ever seen. But Blue Bandala was clearly a "show" animal. Could
+our little David beat this very Goliath among dogs, and that upon the
+latter's own ground? Could our little amateur take on a plus-four
+professional and beat him at his own game? There was no manner of doubt
+that angels would at least have walked delicately where we had rushed
+in. However, it was too late now. Even if we would, we could not draw
+back. Beyond doing what we could to keep him as fit as a fiddle, there
+was nothing to be done.
+
+After a bath I put on a tweed suit, concealed my discarded and sole
+surviving pair of white trousers from the rapacious eye of a random
+housemaid, and descended to lunch.
+
+An hour later Adele and Nobby and I were all in the Rolls, sailing along
+the soft brown roads _en route_ for Fallow Hill.
+
+It was a day of great loveliness, and the forest ways were one and all
+beset with a rare glory.
+
+Thirty-six hours before, the first frost of autumn had touched the
+breast of Earth with silver finger-tips. 'Twas but a runaway knock. The
+mischief-loving knave was gone again, before the bustling dame had
+braced herself to open to her pert visitor. Maybe the rogue was beating
+up his quarters. The time of his dreaded lodgment was not yet. His
+apprehensive hostess was full of smiles. Summer was staying on....
+
+Yet on the livery of the countryside the accolade of Frost had wrought a
+wonder. Two days ago the world was green. To-day a million leaves
+glanced, green as before, yet with a new-found lustre--something of red
+in it, something of gold, something of sober brown. But the wonder was
+not to the trees. It was the humble bracken that had been dubbed knight.
+The homespun of the forest was become cloth of pure gold, glittering,
+flawless. In the twinkling of an eye the change had come. Here was an
+acre spread with the delicate fronds, and there a ragged mile, and
+yonder but shreds and patches--yet all of magic gold, flinging the
+sunlight back, lighting the shadows, making the humblest ride too rich
+for kings to trample till the green roofs and walls looked dull beside
+it, and the ephemeral magnificence took Memory by the throat and wrung a
+lease of life from that Reversioner.
+
+"Tell me," I said, "of Mr. Bason. He interests me, and I've never seen
+him."
+
+"Mr. Bason," said Adele, "is short and fat and--yes, I'm afraid he's
+greasy. He has bright yellow hair and a ridiculous moustache, which is
+brushed up on end on each side of his nostrils. He has very watery pale
+blue eyes, and all the blood in his face seems to have gone to his
+nose."
+
+"Muscular rheumatism," I suggested.
+
+"I guess so. Of course, he knows best, and I don't pretend to say what
+men should wear, but white flannel suits aren't becoming to every
+figure, are they? Most of the rest of him was mauve--shirt, socks and
+handkerchief. Oh, and he had a tie on his pin."
+
+"But how lovely!"
+
+"Yes, but you should have smelt the lilac. He was just perfumed to
+death. If he isn't careful, one of these days he'll get picked."
+
+"One of the old school, in fact. Well, well...." We swept round a
+corner, and I nodded ahead. "See that ridge in front of us? Well, that's
+Fallow Hill. The village lies close, just on the other side."
+
+"What are you going to do with the car?" said Adele.
+
+"They'll let me lock her up--don't be shocked--at the brewery. I know
+them there."
+
+"You'll admit it sounds bad."
+
+"Yes, but it smells lovely. You wait. For that reason alone, I should
+vote against Prohibition. The honest scent of brewing, stealing across
+the meadows on a summer eve, is one of the most inspiring things I
+know."
+
+"But what a man!" said Adele. "'Books in the running brooks, _Virtue in
+vats_, and good in everything.' Nobby," she added reproachfully, "why
+didn't you tell me he was a poet?" The Sealyham put his head on one
+side, as if desiring her to repeat the question. "Oh, you cute thing!"
+And, with that, my lady bent and kissed the terrier between the bright
+brown eyes.
+
+I put the wheel over hard, and the car swerved violently.
+
+"For Heaven's sake!" cried Miss Feste. "What are you doing?"
+
+"It's your fault," said I. "I'm only human. Besides, he doesn't deserve
+it."
+
+Adele flung me a dazzling smile, made as though she would say something,
+and then, apparently changing her mind, relapsed into a provoking
+silence....
+
+A quarter of an hour later the Rolls had been safely bestowed at the
+brewery, and my companion and I were making our way amusedly past booths
+and tents and caravans, where chapmen, hucksters, drovers, cheapjacks,
+gipsies and bawling showmen wrangled and chaffered and cried their wares
+or entertainments, making with the crude music of the merry-go-rounds
+much the same good-humoured uproar which had been faithfully rendered at
+the village of Fallow Hill every September for the last five hundred
+years.
+
+"Blessings on your sweet pretty face, my lady!" cried an old voice.
+
+We turned to see a very old gipsy, seated a little apart upon a backless
+chair, nodding and smiling in our direction.
+
+Adele inclined her head, and I slid a hand into my pocket.
+
+"Come hither to me, my lady," piped the old dame, "and let your man
+cross my old palm with silver, and I'll tell you your fortune. Ah, but
+you have a happy face."
+
+Adele looked at me, and I nodded.
+
+"They're a good folk," I said, "and you'll get better stuff for your
+money than you would in Bond Street. But don't, if you don't want to."
+
+My words could not have been heard by the gipsy. Yet, before Adele could
+reply--
+
+"Aye," she said, "the pretty gentleman's right. We're a good folk, and
+there be some among us can see farther than the dwellers in towns."
+Adele started, and the crone laughed. "Come hither, my lady, and let me
+look in your eyes."
+
+She was an old, old woman, but the snow-white hair that thrust from
+beneath her kerchief was not thin: her face was shrunken and wrinkled,
+yet apple-cheeked: and her great sloe-black eyes glowed with a strange
+brilliance, as if there were fires kindled deep in the wasted sockets.
+
+Adele stepped forward, when, to my amazement, the gipsy put up her hands
+and groped for the girl's shoulders. The significance of the gesture was
+plain. She was stone blind.
+
+For a while she mumbled, and, since I had not gone close, I did not hear
+what she said. But Adele was smiling, and I saw the colour come flooding
+into her cheeks....
+
+Then the old dame lifted up her voice and called to me to come also.
+
+I went to her side.
+
+An old gnarled hand fumbled its way on to my arm.
+
+"Aye," she piped. "Aye. Tis as I thought. Your man also must lose ere he
+find. Together ye shall lose, and together gain. And ye shall comfort
+one another."
+
+The tremulous voice ceased, and the hands slipped away.
+
+I gave her money and Adele thanked her prettily.
+
+She cried a blessing upon us, I whistled to Nobby, and we strolled
+on....
+
+"Look at that baby," said Adele. "Isn't he cute?"
+
+"Half a second," said I, turning and whistling. "Which baby?"
+
+"There," said Adele, pointing. "With the golden hair."
+
+A half-naked sun-kissed child regarded us with a shy smile. It was
+impossible not to respond....
+
+Again I turned and whistled.
+
+"Where can he be?" said Adele anxiously.
+
+"Oh, he always turns up," I said. "But, if you don't mind going back a
+little way, it'll save time. With all this noise..."
+
+We went back a little way. Then we went back a long way. Then we asked
+people if they had seen a little white dog with a black patch. Always
+the answer was in the negative. One man laughed and said something about
+"a dog in a fair," and Fear began to knock at my heart. I whistled until
+the muscles of my lips ached. Adele wanted us to search separately, but
+I refused. It was not a place for her to wander alone. Feverishly we
+sought everywhere. Twice a white dog sent our hopes soaring, only to
+prove a stranger and dash them lower than before. Round and about and in
+and out among the booths and swings and merry-go-rounds we hastened,
+whistling, calling and inquiring in vain. Nobby was lost.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+We had intended to be home in time for tea.
+
+As it was, we got back to White Ladies, pale and dejected, at a quarter
+to eight.
+
+As she rose to get out of the car, Adele gave a cry and felt frantically
+about her neck and throat.
+
+"What's the matter?" I cried.
+
+"My pearls," she said simply. "They're not here."
+
+For what it was worth, I called for lights, and we took the cushions out
+and looked in the car.
+
+But there was no sign of the necklace. It was clean gone.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+The lamentations with which the news of our misfortunes was received
+were loud and exceeding bitter.
+
+Jill burst into tears; Daphne tried vainly to comfort her, and then
+followed her example; Berry and Jonah vied with each other in gloomy
+cross-examination of Adele and myself concerning our movements since we
+had left White Ladies, and in cheerless speculation with regard to the
+probable whereabouts of our respective treasures.
+
+After a hurried meal the Rolls was again requisitioned, and all six of
+us proceeded to Fallow Hill. Not until eleven o'clock would the fun of
+the fair be suspended, and it was better to be on the spot, even if for
+the second time we had to come empty away, than to spend the evening in
+the torment of inactivity.
+
+Of the loss of the Sealyham we could speak more definitely than of that
+of the necklace. Nobby had been by my side when the gipsy hailed us, so
+that there was no doubt but that he was lost at the fair. Regarding her
+pearls, Adele could speak less positively. In fact, to say that she had
+had the necklace before breakfast that morning was really as far as she
+could go. "I know I had it then," she affirmed, "because I always take
+it off before taking my bath, and I remember putting it on afterwards.
+As luck will have it, I was rather late this morning, and I couldn't
+fasten the safety-chain, so after two or three shots I gave up trying,
+intending to do it later on. And this is the result." She had not bathed
+again.
+
+It was a sweet pretty gaud. So perfectly matched were its hundred and
+two pearls that many would have believed it unreal. It had belonged to
+her great-grandmother, and was not insured.
+
+Arrived at Fallow Hill, we went straight to the police. The loss of the
+jewels we communicated to them alone. Somewhat shamefacedly and plainly
+against Adele's will, I described the old gipsy and commended her to
+their vigilance. When they learned that she had laid hands upon Adele,
+the two inspectors exchanged glances which there was no mistaking....
+
+So far as Nobby was concerned, as well as informing the police, we
+enlisted the sympathy of the Boy Scouts. Also we engaged six rustics to
+perambulate the fair and cry the loss of the Sealyham for all to hear.
+Information leading to his recovery would be rewarded with the sum of
+five pounds, while the crier to whom the communication was made would
+receive five more for himself. Our six employees went about their work
+with a will, bellowing lustily. Daphne and Jonah sat in the car,
+rejecting the luckless mongrels which were excitedly paraded before
+them, one after another, from the moment that our loss was made known.
+The rest of us hunted in couples--Adele with Berry, and Jill with
+me--scouring the maze of temporary alleys and lanes and crooked
+quadrangles, till we knew them by heart.
+
+The merry-go-rounds had stopped whirling, and the booths were being
+shrouded or dismantled, as Jill and I made our way to the car for the
+last time.
+
+As we came up--
+
+"That you, Boy?" cried Daphne. "Here's a waggoner who thinks he saw
+Nobby being taken away."
+
+A little knot of men parted, and Jill and I thrust our way forward.
+
+"Oi wouldden be sure," said a deep rough voice, "but a was a lil white
+chap of a dog on en' of a string. 'Twas a grume, simly, a-leadin' 'im
+Brooch way. An' a didn't want for to go, neither, for a stock toes in, a
+did, an' collar was 'alf-way over 'ead. Just come forth from _The Three
+Bulls_, Oi 'ad, oop yonder o' Bear Lane, an' the toime were nigh three
+o' the aafternoon."
+
+We questioned him closely, but he could tell us no more.
+
+Slight as the clue was, it was infinitely better than none at all. If it
+was indeed Nobby that the waggoner had seen, the thief was taking him
+out of the village, at least in the direction of White Ladies. This was
+encouraging. That any one making for the railway station would take the
+same road was a less pleasant reflection.
+
+I took our informant's name and address and those of the crier who had
+brought him to the car. Then we dispensed some silver, and left for
+home.
+
+Of Adele's necklace we had heard nothing.
+
+We determined to concentrate upon the recovery of the pearls upon the
+following day.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+All through a wretched night the pitiful vacancy at the foot of my bed
+reminded me brutally of my loss. My poor little dog--where was he
+passing these dark hours? How many more must drag their way along before
+the warm white ball lay curled again in the crook of my knees? Had he
+rested there for the last time? With a groan I thrust the thought from
+me, but always it returned, leering hideously. Miserably I recited his
+qualities--his love for me, his mettle, his beauty, his unfailing good
+humour.... What naughtiness there was in him seemed very precious.
+Painfully I remembered his thousand pretty ways. He had a trick of
+waving his little paws, when he was tired of begging....
+
+Small wonder that I slept ill and fitfully.
+
+Early as I was, the others were already at breakfast when I came down.
+Only Adele had not appeared.
+
+It was a melancholy meal.
+
+Jonah said not a word, and Berry hardly opened his mouth. There were
+dark rings under Jill's grey eyes, and Daphne looked pale and tired.
+
+A communication from the Secretary of the Brooch Dog Show, enclosing a
+pass for the following day, and informing me that my Sealyham must
+arrive at the Show in the charge of not more than one attendant by 11
+a.m., did not tend to revive our drooping spirits. We had nearly
+finished, when, with a glance at the clock, my sister set her foot upon
+the bell.
+
+As the butler entered the room--
+
+"Send up and see if Miss Feste will breakfast upstairs, Falcon. I
+think----"
+
+"Miss Feste has breakfasted, madam."
+
+"Already?"
+
+"Yes, madam. Her breakfast was taken to her before eight o'clock."
+
+"Where is she?"
+
+"I think she's out bicycling, madam."
+
+"Bicycling?"
+
+The inquiry leapt from five mouths simultaneously.
+
+"Yes, madam. She sent for me and asked if I could find 'er a lady's
+bicycle, an' Greenaway was very 'appy to lend 'er 'ers, madam. An' Fitch
+pumped up the tires, an' she went off about 'alf-past eight, madam."
+
+We stared at one another in bewilderment.
+
+"Did she say where she was going?" said Berry.
+
+"No, sir."
+
+"All right, Falcon."
+
+The butler bowed and withdrew.
+
+Amid the chorus of astonished exclamation, Berry held up his hand.
+
+"It's very simple," he said. "She's unhinged."
+
+"Rubbish," said his wife.
+
+"The disappearance of Nobby, followed by the loss of her necklace, has
+preyed upon her mind. Regardless alike of my feelings and of the canons
+of good taste, she rises at an hour which is almost blasphemous and goes
+forth unreasonably to indulge in the most hellish form of exercise ever
+invented. What further evidence do we need? By this time she has
+probably detached the lamp from the velocipede and is walking about,
+saying she's Florence Nightingale."
+
+"Idiot," said Daphne.
+
+"Not yet," said her husband, "but I can feel it coming on." He cast an
+eye downward and shivered. "I feared as much. My left leg is all
+unbuttoned."
+
+"For goodness' sake," said his wife, "don't sit there drivelling----"
+
+"Sorry," said Berry, "but I haven't got a clean bib left. This laundry
+strike----"
+
+"I said 'drivelling,' not 'dribbling.' You know I did. And what are we
+wasting time for? Let's do something--anything."
+
+"Right-oh," said her husband. "What about giving the bread some birds?"
+And with that he picked up a loaf and deliberately pitched it out of the
+window on to the terrace.
+
+The fact that the casement was not open until after the cast, made his
+behaviour the more outrageous.
+
+The very wantonness of the act, however, had the excellent effect of
+breaking the spell of melancholy under which we were labouring.
+
+In a moment all was confusion.
+
+Jill burst into shrieks of laughter; Jonah, who had been immersed in
+_The Times_, cursed his cousin for the shock to his nerves; in a shaking
+voice Daphne assured the butler, whom the crash had brought running,
+that it was "All right, Falcon; Major Pleydell thought the window was
+open"; and the delinquent himself was loudly clamouring to be told
+whether he had won the slop-pail outright or had only got to keep it
+clean for one year.
+
+Twenty minutes later Jonah had left for Brooch to see the Chief
+Constable about the missing jewels and arrange for the printing and
+distribution of an advertisement for Nobby. The rest of us, doing our
+utmost to garnish a forlorn hope with the seasoning of expectation, made
+diligent search for the necklace about the terrace, gardens and
+tennis-lawn. After a fruitless two hours we repaired to the house, where
+we probed the depths of sofas and chairs, emptied umbrella-stands,
+settles, flower-bowls and every other receptacle over which our guest
+might have leaned, and finally thrust an electric torch into the bowels
+of the piano and subjected that instrument to a thorough examination.
+
+At length--
+
+"I give it up," said Daphne, sinking into a chair. "I don't think it can
+be here."
+
+"Nor I," said I. "I think we've looked everywhere."
+
+"Yes," said Berry. "There's only the cesspool left. We can drag that
+before lunch, if you like, but I should prefer one more full meal before
+I die."
+
+"Boy! Boy!"
+
+Somewhere from behind closed doors a sweet excited voice was calling.
+
+I sprang to the door.
+
+"Yes, Adele, yes?" I shouted.
+
+A moment later my lady sped down a passage and into the hall.
+
+"Get the car quick. I've found Nobby."
+
+"Where?" we yelled.
+
+"That man Bason's got him."
+
+Her announcement momentarily deprived us of breath. Then we all started,
+and in the next two minutes sufficient was said about the retired
+music-hall proprietor to make that gentleman's pendulous ears burst into
+blue flame.
+
+Again want of breath intervened, and Adele besought us to make ready the
+car.
+
+We explained vociferously that Jonah had taken the Rolls and would be
+back any minute. Whilst we were waiting, would she not tell us her tale?
+
+Seating herself upon the arm of a chair, she complied forthwith.
+
+"None of you seemed to suspect him, and, as I'm usually wrong, I decided
+to say nothing. But last night I asked a Boy Scout where he lived.
+Curiously enough, the boy had a brother who was a gardener in Bason's
+employ. That made me think. I asked him whether I could have a word with
+his brother, and he told me he lived at a cottage close to his work, and
+was almost always at home between nine and half-past in the morning.
+
+"When he came home this morning, I was waiting for him. He seemed a nice
+man, so I told him the truth and asked him to help me. Thorn--that's his
+name--doesn't like Bason a bit, and at once agreed that he was quite
+capable of the dirtiest work, if any one got in his way. He hadn't, he
+said, seen Nobby, but that wasn't surprising. If the dog was there he'd
+probably be in the stables, and with those Thorn has nothing to do.
+
+"Bason doesn't keep horses, but he uses one of the coach-houses as a
+garage. The chauffeur seems to be rather worse than his master. He's
+loathed by the rest of the staff, and, while he and Bason are as thick
+as thieves, neither trusts the other an inch.
+
+"The first thing to do, obviously, was to find out if Nobby was there.
+Everything was always kept locked, so I determined to try the 'Blondel'
+stunt--yes, I know a lot of English History--and try and make Coeur de
+Lion speak for himself.
+
+"First we synchronized our watches. Then Thorn showed me the house and
+told me exactly where the garage and stables were--close to the gates,
+happily. Then we arranged that in ten minutes' time he should try to get
+the chauffeur out of the way, while I took a look round. More than that
+we couldn't fix, but it was understood that, if there was a dog there
+and Thorn got an opening, he was to undo his collar and give him a
+chance to make good on his own. That wouldn't involve Thorn, for he
+could fasten the collar again and make it look as if Nobby had slipped
+it."
+
+"But what a brain!" said Berry. "One short month of my society, and the
+girl----"
+
+An avalanche of protest cut short the speaker.
+
+Adele continued, gurgling.
+
+"At first everything went all right. At twenty minutes to ten I put my
+head round the corner to see the chauffeur and Thorn disappearing at the
+other end of the yard. I stepped out of my cover and had a look round.
+There were stables on one side, and a coachhouse and garage on the
+other, and the yard, which was open at both ends, lay in between. I was
+just going to try the loose-boxes--I was going to 'miaow' like a cat and
+see what answer I got--when I heard Bason's voice calling Banana....
+
+"There was only one door open, and that was the garage. I dashed for it
+and looked round for somewhere to hide. The place was as bare as your
+hand. But there was nothing the matter with the limousine, so I got
+inside and sat down on the floor.
+
+"I was only just in time.
+
+"Bason came stamping into the yard, shouting for 'Arthur,' and the next
+moment Nobby gave tongue.
+
+"I just had to look.
+
+"There was Blue Banana with his nose to the door of the loose-box
+immediately opposite, snarling and showing his teeth, Bason was
+hammering on the door, yelling 'Shut up, you brute!' and Nobby, of
+course, was barking to beat the band."
+
+As she spoke, a faint familiar cough from the drive announced the return
+of Jonah from Brooch.
+
+In less time than it takes to record, I had flown to the front-door and
+put him wise. Two minutes later we were all in the Rolls, which was
+scudding at an unlawful speed along the Fallow Hill road.
+
+"There's nothing much more to tell," said Adele, as we clamoured for her
+to proceed. "I thought Bason would never go, and, when at last he did,
+the chauffeur took the opportunity of changing the two front tires.
+
+"For over two hours I sat in that car. At last the man shut the place up
+and, I suppose, went to his dinner.
+
+"I had meant to borrow the limousine, but he'd taken the key of the
+switch, so I couldn't do that. And I couldn't get at Nobby, for the
+stable was locked. So I just pelted back to Thorn's cottage, told his
+wife to tell him my news, picked up the bicycle and came right back."
+
+For a moment no one said anything. Then--
+
+"I shall recommend you," said Berry, "for the Most Excellent Order of
+the Beer Engine. A very coveted distinction. The membership is limited
+to seven million."
+
+"Yes," said I, "for a most daring reconnaissance behind the enemy's
+lines. You know, this ranks with the penetration of the Kiel Canal.
+Seriously, Adele, I'm terribly grateful."
+
+My lady looked at me with a shy smile.
+
+"What did the gipsy say?" she said. "After all I'm only obeying orders.
+And now----"
+
+A cry from Jonah interrupted her, and the rest of us started inquiringly
+as he clapped on the brakes.
+
+As the car came to a standstill--
+
+"What's the matter?" I cried.
+
+By way of answer my cousin took off his hat and, producing a silk
+handkerchief, deliberately wiped his forehead with the utmost care. Then
+he replaced his hat and looked up and over his right shoulder....
+
+From the top of a mossy bank by the side of the road Nobby was regarding
+us wide-eyed. Apparently he had broken prison and was on his way home.
+Time was nothing to him, and the roots of a wayside beech upon an
+attractive rise cried aloud for inspection. Besides, there was a serious
+loss of liberty which had to be made good....
+
+For a moment rescue-party and prize looked one another in the face. Then
+the latter hurled himself panting into the road and leapt into the arms
+which I stretched out of the car.
+
+No prodigal ever received such an ovation. There was literally a fight
+for his person. Jill snatched him from me and pressed his nose to her
+face; Berry dragged him from her protesting arms and set him upon his
+knee; Daphne tore him away and hugged him close. Such of us as were
+temporarily disseized, stroked and fondled his limbs and cried endearing
+epithets. Only our fair American looked on with a wistful smile.
+
+"So, you see," she said, "he's done without me, after all.'"
+
+I took hold of her hand.
+
+"My dear," I said, "your argument would be more forcible if he was
+wearing a collar."
+
+There was a buzz of excitement as my statement was feverishly confirmed.
+
+"I agree," said Berry. "What's more, he's brought us a souvenir."
+
+As he spoke, he plucked something which was adhering to the terrier's
+beard.
+
+It was a tuft of slate-grey hair.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+The "All Comers" Event was won by Nobby, who beat a French bulldog by a
+short head.
+
+Neither Blue Bandala nor his owner put in an appearance. For this a
+particularly curt note, bluntly requiring the return of the Sealyham's
+collar, may have been responsible.
+
+The waggoner and the lad who found him received their rewards.
+
+So also did Thorn. His letter of acknowledgment was addressed to Adele.
+
+_DEAR MADAM,_
+
+_Thank you kindly for the 5 lbs. I got to the dog by way of the ayloft
+which were in one of the stalls I undone is coller and here he run out
+the first dore as was open and appening on Blew Bandarlerer did not harf
+put it acrost him and Mr. Bason says I command you to seperate them dogs
+Arthur he says and Arthur fetches Blew B. one what he ment for your dog
+and Mr. Bason fetches him another what he ment for Arthur so the chough
+cort it proper._
+
+_Yours respecfully,_
+
+_G. THORN._
+
+But for the loss of the pearls, we should have been jubilant.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Three days had elapsed since the dog show.
+
+The whole of the morning and part of the afternoon I had spent in a
+bathroom, supervising the disconnection, severance and inspection of the
+waste-pipe which served the basin. When, hot and dejected, I made my
+report at half-past three, Adele thanked me as prettily as if I had
+found the pearls.
+
+I retired to wash and change into flannels.
+
+It must have been two hours later when I looked up from the operation of
+combing Nobby and took my pipe from my mouth.
+
+"Oh, Adele," I said simply, "I do love you so."
+
+Adele put out a hand and touched my hair.
+
+"I'm glad you do," she said gently.
+
+As I got upon my feet, one end of her necklace hung trailing over the
+edge of my trousers where I had turned them up. They were the pair I had
+worn at tennis the day we had gone to the fair, and it must have fallen
+into the fold when we were finding the thorn.
+
+Adele saw it too, but, when I would have stooped, she shook her head.
+
+Then I looked into her eyes, and there found such a light that I forgot
+the pearls and the rolling world with them.
+
+As she slipped into my arms, she threw back her head.
+
+"Once, at Port Said, you kissed me," she whispered. "And again at Rome."
+I nodded. "But this is your own home."
+
+"Yes," I said steadily. "And here I plight thee my troth."
+
+The brown eyes closed, and a glorious smile swept Into the beautiful
+face.
+
+For a moment I gazed at her....
+
+Then I kissed the red, red lips.
+
+So we comforted one another.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+The unexpected arrival of the laundry van at five minutes to eight,
+with, amongst other things, a month's table-linen, had pardonably
+dislocated the service of dinner.
+
+Whilst the table was being relaid we spent the time in the library,
+gathered about the violet-tongued comfort of a chestnut-root fire.
+
+"You know," said Jonah, looking up from an armchair, "if we
+don't----Good Heavens!" His exclamation was so violent that we all
+jumped. "Why," he cried, staring at Adele, "you've found them!"
+
+A common cry of amazement broke from Daphne, Berry and Jill, and our
+guest started guiltily and put a hand to her throat.
+
+"O-o-oh, I "--she shot an appealing glance at me--"we quite forgot. Boy
+found them in the garden, whilst he was combing Nobby."
+
+Berry looked round.
+
+"You hear?" he said. "They quite forgot.... They stumble upon jewels
+worth a month of strike pay--baubles whose loss has stupefied the
+County, and forget to mention it. And I spent two hours this afternoon
+in a gas-mask studying the plan of the drains and calculating whether,
+if the second manhole was opened and a gorgonzola put down to draw the
+fire, Jonah could reach the grease-trap before he became unconscious."
+He raised his eyes to heaven and groaned. "The only possible excuse," he
+added, "is that you're both in...."
+
+His voice tailed off, as he met Adele's look, and he got suddenly upon
+his feet.
+
+Jonah stood up, too.
+
+Daphne took Adele's hands in hers and turned to me a face radiant with
+expectation.
+
+Jill caught at my sleeve and began to tremble. I put my arm about her
+and looked round.
+
+"We plead that excuse," I said.
+
+For a moment nobody moved.
+
+Then Jonah limped to my dear and put her hand to his lips. Adele stooped
+and kissed him.
+
+"You beautiful darling," breathed my sister. "Sargent shall paint you,
+and you shall hang at the foot of the stairs."
+
+The two kissed one another tenderly.
+
+Then Adele stretched out her white arms to grey-eyed Jill. My little
+cousin just clung to her.
+
+"Oh, Adele," she whispered, "I'm so glad. B-but you won't go away? He
+and you'll stay with us, won't you?"
+
+"If you want me, darling."
+
+Berry cleared his throat.
+
+"Of course," he said, "as the head of the family--the overlord--I should
+have come first. However, I shall kiss her 'Good night' instead.
+Possibly I shall ker-rush her to me." He turned to me. "This will be the
+second time within my memory that a Pleydell has married above him."
+
+"Very true," said I. "When was the first?"
+
+"When I married your sister."
+
+I nodded dreamily.
+
+"I think," I said, "I think I was born with a silver spoon in my mouth."
+
+Berry shook his head.
+
+"Not a spoon," he said. "A soup-ladle."
+
+THE END
+
+
+
+
+
+NEW FICTION
+
+THE BOX FROM JAPAN
+
+By
+
+HARRY STEPHEN KEELER
+
+Another baffling story by the great detective-story writer who is
+already becoming world-famous for his marvellously intricate and
+ingenious plots. This story is a jewel of many facets in brilliant
+setting. Here Mr. Keeler's genius for the mystery-plot comes into an
+amazing perfection.
+
+_Popular successes by this Author_:
+
+The Amazing Web
+Thieves' Nights
+The Fourth King
+The Green Jade Hand
+Sing Sing Nights
+The Tiger Snake
+The Blue Spectacles
+Find the Clock
+The Black Satchel
+
+All who love strong character and thrilling incident will revel in this
+essentially clever story.
+
+WARD, LOCK & CO., LIMITED
+
+NEW FICTION
+
+CALEB'S CONQUEST
+
+By JOSEPH HOCKING
+
+Caleb, the sixteen-year-old son of a small farmer, ran away on his
+father's death and engaged himself as a farm labourer. What he discovers
+in the next few years makes a typical Hocking Cornish adventure romance.
+
+_Other popular Stories by this Author_:
+
+Mistress Nancy Molesworth
+The Birthright
+Ishmael Pengelly
+God and Mammon
+The Weapons of Mystery
+Heartsease
+The Tenant of Cromlech Cottage
+Nancy Trevanion's Legacy
+The Secret of Trescobell
+A Prince of this World
+Greater Love
+Jabez Easterbrook
+An Enemy Hath Done This
+Roger Trewinion
+The Sign of the Triangle
+Out of the Depths
+
+There are few better story-tellers than Mr. Joseph Hocking, especially
+when he is dealing with his beloved Cornwall. His stories are
+thrillingly interesting, and rivet the attention of the reader from
+beginning to end.
+
+WARD, LOCK & CO., LIMITED
+
+NEW FICTION
+
+THE SIGN OF THE GLOVE
+
+(_Another_ "LEATHERMOUTH" _Novel_.)
+
+By CARLTON DAWE
+
+Colonel Gantian ("Leathermouth") is called upon by his friend, a
+Commissioner of Scotland Yard, to help in elucidating the mysterious
+events behind the death of the late Governor of Bombay. With much
+hesitation and reluctance, having just got married, he accepts the
+mission. But it sends him walking into many dangers, and it is only with
+much trouble that finally he is triumphant.
+
+_Other recent successes by this Author_:
+
+Leathermouth
+The Glare
+The Forbidden Shrine
+The Knightsbridge Affair
+Slings and Arrows
+Love, the Conqueror
+Pacific Blue
+The Desirable Woman
+The Winding Road
+The Missing Clue
+Fishers of Men
+Wanted
+
+"For a certain crispness of dialogue, and deft arrangement of the events
+of a good plot, Mr. Carlton Dawe has very few rivals."--_The Yorkshire
+Post_.
+
+WARD, LOCK & CO., LIMITED
+
+NEW FICTION
+
+A MYSTERY CHAIN
+
+By L. G. MOBERLY
+
+This story deals with a foreign woman, who poses as a great
+philanthropist, but who, under cover of her social activities, is
+involved in very other matters. What these are must be left to Miss
+Moberly to tell, and she tells them in a story of great power, vividness
+and charm.
+
+_Some of Miss Moberly's previous successes_:
+
+The Voice Fingers of Fate Stepping Stones Hope, My Wife Vere Diana A
+Tangled Web A Way of Escape Threads of Life The Eternal Dustbin Renewal
+A Change and a Chance The Master Key
+
+In the long list of successful novelists Miss Moberly takes a high
+place. Her novels are not merely thrillers, but a readable love story is
+invariably woven into the mystery.
+
+WARD, LOCK & CO., LIMITED
+
+NEW FICTION
+
+THE YELLOW WAGON
+
+By CHARMAN EDWARDS
+
+A beautiful woman, destined to be England's most famous actress, born
+amid the glamour yet hardship of that picturesque and now almost
+obsolete institution of rural England, the travelling theatre. Against
+this coloured background and that of the West-end stage is the story of
+the men who craved her for her beauty alone. Here is no impossible
+heroine who survives her many ordeals unscathed--Sheila Fitzpatrick is
+but human after all--but the reader's sympathy will be with her to the
+end.
+
+_By the same Author_:
+
+Windfellow
+Derision
+High Street
+Rainbrother
+Sir Richard Penniless
+Mr. Edwards writes in a manner that holds one to his story.
+Characterisation comes easy to him. He has a facility for sustained
+suspense and he constructs with admirable economy.
+
+WARD, LOCK & CO., LIMITED
+
+NEW FICTION
+
+THE PITIFUL LADY
+
+By KATHARINE TYNAN
+
+Robin, when left alone in the world, with her great love for animals,
+finds her vocation in veterinary surgery. The a returning of a lost dog
+to its owner brings into her life a new interest, and through the
+episodes that follow Katharine Tynan brings to a satisfactory conclusion
+one of the most charming and characteristic of her romances.
+
+_Other popular Stories by this Author_:
+
+Pat, the Adventurer
+The Briar Bush Maid
+A Fine Gentleman
+The Wild Adventure
+Castle Perilous
+The Squire's Sweetheart
+The Most Charming Family
+The Admirable Simmons
+The Playground
+My Love's But a Lassie
+Phillipa's Lover
+Delia's Orchard
+
+Clean, wholesome love stories, free from intrigue and sensationalism,
+and containing well-drawn characters and good dialogue.
+
+WARD, LOCK & CO., LIMITED
+
+NEW FICTION
+
+TILL DOOMSDAY
+
+By ROBIN TEMPLE
+
+The dramatic story of a man whose divorced wife, an actress, seeks, for
+vanity's sake, to allure him back to her and away from another woman who
+has entered his life, and with whom he has fallen in love. The story
+moves with a sure pace throughout, and the end is finely wrought.
+
+To all who like a powerful adventure story, written with a punch, this
+novel can be whole-heartedly recommended.
+
+WARD, LOCK & CO., LIMITED
+
+NEW FICTION
+
+WHITE GOLD
+
+By OTTWELL BINNS
+
+To Ferrars, home on leave, came an S O S call from a friend gaoled in
+Mozambique. He held the secret of a platinum find, and corrupt officials
+wished to filch it from him. A thrilling rescue and a neck-and-neck race
+for the treasure followed.
+
+_Other Stories by this Author_:
+
+The White Hands of Justice
+The Grey Rat
+A Mating in the Wilds
+Where the Aurora Flames
+Java Jack
+A Sin of Silence
+The Secret Pearls
+Snowbird
+Jim Trelawney
+The Flaming Crescent
+The Man from Maloba
+The Love that Believeth
+A Gipsy of the North
+An Adventurer of the Bay
+Behind the Ranges
+The Diamond Trail
+The Three Black Dots
+The Vanished Guest
+
+"Mr. Binns gives us a story, clear-cut of pattern and compactly woven,
+and when it has been read, we turn to it again for the sake of the
+atmosphere of the wilds."--_Yorkshire Observer_.
+
+WARD, LOCK & CO., LIMITED
+
+NEW FICTION
+
+PANDORA'S BOX
+
+AND OTHER STORIES
+
+By STEPHEN McKENNA
+
+A volume of great charm and wit, fully representing the author's varied
+talents, and vigorously written in the style that has made him famous.
+
+Mr. Stephen McKenna's admirers, and their number is legion, will rejoice
+in this attractive volume.
+
+WARD, LOCK & CO., LIMITED
+
+NEW FICTION
+
+THE RETURN OF JENNY WEAVER
+
+By MARGARET TURNBULL
+
+A murder trial that becomes more complex as it proceeds, and (strange to
+say) less sordid; for under cross-examination there gradually emerges
+the story of a bygone romance so touching that the young squire, on his
+acquittal of the murder charge, yields the centre of the stage to his
+poor, foolish, fluttering mother.
+
+_By the same Author_:
+
+The Handsome Man A Monkey in Silk The Left Lady
+
+The Author writes a rattling good yarn, full of excitement. Thoroughly
+brisk in action, her stories are told in a virile and spirited manner.
+
+WARD, LOCK & CO., LIMITED
+
+NEW FICTION
+
+WINNING THROUGH
+
+By JESSE TEMPLETON
+
+The story of the shipwreck of an Atlantic Liner and of the thrilling
+adventures that befall a small party of survivors stranded in Labrador.
+Their efforts to reach civilisation have an epic character, yet a
+romantic thread runs through the story to the very end.
+
+_Previous Novels by this Author_:
+
+Dead or Alive
+Between the Tides
+Clay-Face
+The Bitter Test
+The Yellow Hibiscus
+Ten Fathoms Deep
+
+Mr. Templeton has reached distinct artistry in attractive dialogue, in
+clean and wholesome action and in presentation of exciting situations
+without undue strain on credulity.
+
+WARD, LOCK &CO., LIMITED
+
+
+NEW FICTION
+
+THE HAWKMOOR MYSTERY
+
+By W. H. LANE CRAUFORD
+
+_Author of "The Missing Ace"_
+
+A diamond of incalculable value is stolen from an Indian Temple by
+Captain Berrington. Then, some twenty years afterwards, in an English
+country house, there are strange and bewildering happenings. The
+elucidation of the mystery involved makes an exceptionally thrilling and
+powerful story.
+
+A story written in a light vein that will bring many a chuckle to you
+whilst its most absorbing problem is gradually unfolded.
+
+WARD, LOCK & CO., LIMITED
+
+
+
+
+
+End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Berry And Co., by Dornford Yates
+
+*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK BERRY AND CO. ***
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