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diff --git a/1742.txt b/1742.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..f6aa224 --- /dev/null +++ b/1742.txt @@ -0,0 +1,1621 @@ +The Project Gutenberg EBook of Miss Civilization, by Richard Harding Davis + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: Miss Civilization + A Comedy in One Act + +Author: Richard Harding Davis + +Posting Date: October 23, 2008 [EBook #1742] +Release Date: May, 1999 + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ASCII + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK MISS CIVILIZATION *** + + + + +Produced by Theresa Aramao + + + + + +MISS CIVILIZATION + +A Comedy In One Act + + +By Richard Harding Davis + + +"Miss Civilization" is founded on a story by the late James Harvey +Smith. All professional rights in this play belong to Richard +Harding Davis. Amateurs who desire to produce "Miss +Civilization" may do so, providing they apply for permission to +the editor of Collier's Weekly, in which publication this play was +first printed. + + + + +PEOPLE IN THE PLAY + + +ALICE GARDNER: Daughter of James K. Gardner, President of the L.I. +& W. Railroad + +"UNCLE" JOSEPH HATCH: Alias "Gentleman Joe" + +"BRICK" MEAKIN: Alias "Reddy, the Kid" + +HARRY HAYES: Alias "Grand Stand" Harry + +CAPTAIN LUCAS: Chief of Police + +Policemen, Brakemen, Engineers + + +Scene--The dining room in the country house of James K. Gardner +on Long Island. In the back wall is a double doorway opening into +a hall. A curtain divided in the middle hangs across the entrance. +On the wall on either side of the doorway are two electric lights, +and to the left is a telephone. Further to the left is a +sideboard. On it are set silver salvers, candlesticks, and +Christmas presents of silver. They still are in the red flannel +bags in which they arrived. In the left wall is a recessed window +hung with curtains. Against the right wall is a buffet on which is +set a tea-caddy, toast-rack, and tea kettle. Below the buffet a +door opens into the butler's pantry. A dinner table stands well +down the stage with a chair at each end and on either side. Two +chairs are set against the back wall to the right of the door. The +walls and windows are decorated with holly and mistletoe and +Christmas wreaths tied with bows of scarlet ribbon. When the +window is opened there is a view of falling snow. At first the +room is in complete darkness. + +The time is the day after Christmas, near midnight. + +After the curtain rises, one hears the noise of a file scraping +on iron. It comes apparently from outside the house at a point +distant from the dining room. The filing is repeated cautiously, +with a wait between each stroke, as though the person using the +file had paused to listen. + +Alice Gardner enters at centre, carrying a lighted candle in a +silver candlestick. She wears a dressing gown, with swan's down +around her throat and at the edges of her sleeves. Her feet are +in bedroom slippers topped with fur. Her hair hangs down in a +braid. After listening intently to the sound of the file, she +places candle on sideboard and goes to telephone. She speaks in a +whisper. + + + ALICE: + Hello, Central. Hello, Central. + (Impatiently) + Wake up! Wake up! Is that you, Central? Give me the station + agent at Bedford Junction--quick. What? I CAN'T speak louder. + Well, you MUST hear me. Give me the station agent at Bedford + Junction. No, there's always a man there all night. Hurry, + please, hurry. + (There is a pause, during which the sound of the file grows louder. + Alice listens apprehensively.) + Hello, are you the station agent? Good! Listen! I am Miss + Gardner, James K. Gardner's daughter. Yes, James K. Gardner, the + president of the road. This is his house. My mother and I are + here alone. There are three men trying to break in. Yes, + burglars, of course. My mother is very ill. If they frighten her + the shock might--might be very serious. Wake up the crew, and send + the wrecking train here--at once. Send--the--crew--of--the-- + wrecking train here--quick. What? Then fire up an engine and get + it here as fast as you can. + + VOICE: + (calling from second story) + Alice! + + ALICE: + (at telephone) + Yes, you have. The up-track's clear until "52" comes along. + That's not until-- + + VOICE: + (Louder) + Alice! + + ALICE: + (with dismay) + Mother! + (At telephone) + Hello, hold the wire. Don't go away! + (Runs to curtains, parts them, and looks up as though speaking to + some one at top of stairs) + Mother, why AREN'T you in bed? + + VOICE: + Is anything wrong, Alice? + + ALICE: + No, dear, no. I just came down to--get a book I forgot. Please go + back, dearest. + + VOICE: + I heard you moving about. I thought you might be ill. + + ALICE: + No, dearest, but YOU'LL be very ill if you don't keep in bed. + Please, mother--at once. It's all right, it's all right. + + VOICE: + Yes, dear. Good night. + + ALICE: + Good night, mother. + (Returns quickly to telephone) + Hello! Hello! Stop the engine at the foot of our lawn. Yes, yes, + at the foot of our lawn. And when you have the house surrounded, + when the men are all around the house, blow three whistles so I'll + know you're here. What? Oh, that's all right. The burglars will + be here. I'LL see to that. All YOU have to do is to GET here. If + you don't you, you'll lose your job! I say, if you don't, you'll + lose your job, or I'm not the daughter of the president of this + road. NOW, YOU JUMP! And--wait--hello + (turns from telephone) + He's jumped. + + (The file is now drawn harshly across the bolt of the window of the + dining room, and a piece of wood snaps. With an exclamation, Alice + blows out the candle and exits. The shutters of the windows are + opened, admitting the faint glow of moonlight. The window is + raised and the ray of a dark lantern is swept about the room. + HATCH appears at window and puts one leg inside. He is an elderly + man wearing a mask which hides the upper half of his face, a heavy + overcoat, and a derby hat. But for the mask he might be mistaken + for a respectable man of business. A pane of glass falls from the + window and breaks on the sill.) + + HATCH: + (Speaking over his shoulder) + Hush! Be careful, can't you? + (He enters. He is followed by "GRAND STAND" HARRY, a younger man + of sporting appearance. He also wears a mask, and the brim of his + gray alpine hat is pulled over his eyes. Around his throat he + wears a heavy silk muffler). + It's all right. Come on. Hurry up, and close those shutters. + + HARRY: + (to REDDY outside) + Give me the bag, Reddy. + + (REDDY appears at window. He is dressed like a Bowery tough. His + face is blackened with burnt cork. His hair is of a brilliant red. + He wears an engineer's silk cap with visor. To HARRY he passes a + half-filled canvas bag. On his shoulder he carries another. On + entering he slips and falls forward on the floor). + + HATCH: + Confound you! + + HARRY: + Hush, you fool. + + HATCH: + Has he broken anything? + + REDDY: + (on floor, rubbing his head) + I've broke my head. + + HATCH: + That's no loss. Has he smashed that silver? + + HARRY: + (feeling in bag) + It feels all right. + + (HATCH cautiously parts curtains at centre and exits into hall.) + + REDDY: + (lifts bag) + We got enough stuff in this bag already without wasting time on + ANOTHER house. + + HARRY: + Wasting time! Time's money in THIS house. Look at this silver. + That's the beauty of working the night AFTER Christmas; everybodys' + presents is lying about loose, and everybody's too tired + celebrating to keep awake. + (Lifts silver loving cup) + Look at that cup! + + REDDY: + I'd rather look at a cup of coffee. + + HARRY: + (Contemptuously) + Ah, you! + + REDDY: + Well, I can't make a meal out of silver ice pitchers, can I? I've + been through three refrigerators tonight, and nothing in any of em + but bottles of MILK! MILK! + + HARRY: + Get up, get up, get to work. + + REDDY: + The folks in this town are the stingiest I ever see. I won't visit + em again, no matter how often they ask me. + (Rising and crossing to buffet) + I wonder if these folks is vegetarians, too. + + (HATCH enters) + + HATCH: + It seems all right. There's no light, and everybody's quiet. + (To HARRY) + You work the bedrooms. I'll clear away those things. Don't be + rough, now. + + HARRY: + I know my business. Give me the light. + (Takes lantern and exits centre) + + HATCH: + Hist, Reddy. Reddy, leave that alone. That's not safe. + (Removes silver from sideboard to bag). + + REDDY: + I know it ain't, governor. I'm lookin' for somethin' to eat. + (He kneels in front of buffet, and opens door.) + + HATCH: + No, you're not! You're not here to eat. Come and give me a hand + with this stuff. + + REDDY: + Gee! I've found a bottle of whiskey. + (Takes bottle from buffet and begins to pull at the cork.) + + HATCH: + Well, you put it right back where you found it. + + REDDY: + I know a better place than that to put it. + + HATCH: + How many times have I told you I'll not let you drink in business + hours? + + REDDY: + Oh, just once, governor; it's a cruel, cold night. + (Coughs.) + I need it for medicine. + + HATCH: + No, I tell you! + + REDDY: + Just ONE dose. Here's to you. + (Drinks.) + Oh, Lord! + (He sputters and coughs violently.) + + HATCH: + (starts toward him) + Hush! Stop that, you fool. + + REDDY: + Oh, Im poisoned! That's benzine, governor. What do you think of + that? Benzine! It's burned me throat out. + + HATCH: + I wish it had burned your tongue out! CAN'T you keep still? + + REDDY: + Oh, Lord! Oh, Lord! Think of a man puttin' benzine in a whiskey + bottle! That's dishonest, that is. Using a revenue stamp twice is + defraudin' the Government. I could have him arrested for that. + (Pause.) + If I wanted to. + (Pause.) + But I don't want to. + + HATCH: + Oh, quit that--and come here. Get out the window, and I'll hand + the bag to you. Put it under the seat of the wagon, and cover it + up with the lap robe. + + (REDDY steps to centre door and, parting the curtains, leans into + the hall beyond, listening.) + + REDDY: + Go slow. I ain't to leave here till Harry is safe on the ground + floor again. + + HATCH: + Don't you worry about Harry. He won't get into trouble. + + REDDY: + Sure HE won't. It's ME and YOU he'll get into trouble. You hadn't + ought to send HIM to do second-story work. + + HATCH: + (Contemptuously) + No? + + REDDY: + No; he's too tender-hearted. A second-story worker ought to use + his gun. + + HATCH: + Oh, you! You'll fire your gun too often some day. + + REDDY: + No, I won't. I did once, but I didn't do it again for six years. + But Harry--ah, he's too tender-hearted. If Harry was a chicken + thief, before he'd wring a chicken's neck he'd give it laughing + gas. Why, you remember the lady that woke up and begged him to + give her back a gold watch because it belonged to her little + girl who was dead. Well--it turned out the little girl wasn't + dead. It turned out the little girl was a big boy, alive and + kicking--especially kicking. He kicked me into a rose bush. + + HATCH: + That'll do. Harry's learning his trade. He'll pick it up in time. + + REDDY: + About time he picked up something. Remember the Gainesville Bank; + where he went away leaving ten thousand dollars in the back of the + safe. Why didn't he pick THAT up? + + HATCH: + Because it wasn't there. Bank directors always say that--to make + us feel bad. Hush! + + (HARRY enters, carrying his silk muffler, which now is wrapped + about a collection of jewels and watches.) + + HATCH: + That's quick work. What did you get? + + HARRY: + Some neck strings, and rings, and two watches. + + (He spreads the muffler on the table. The three men examine the + jewelry.) + + HATCH: + That looks good. Who's up there? + + HARRY: + Only an old lady and a young girl in the room over this. And she's + a beauty, too. + (Sentimentally.) + Sleeping there just as sweet and peaceful-- + + REDDY: + Ah, why don't you give her back HER watch? Maybe she's ANOTHER + dead daughter. + + HATCH: + That's all right, Harry. That's good stuff. Pick up that bag, + Reddy. We can go now. + + (HARRY places muffler and jewels in an inside coat pocket. REDDY + takes up the dark lantern.) + + REDDY: + Go? Not till I've got something to eat. + + HATCH: + No, you don't. You can wait till later for something to eat. + + REDDY: + Yes, I can wait till later for something to eat, but I can wait + better if I eat now. + (Exit into pantry.) + + HATCH: + Confound him. If I knew the roads around here as well as he does, + I'd drive off and leave him. That appetite of his will send us to + jail some day. + + HARRY: + Well, to tell the truth, governor, a little supper wouldn't hurt my + feelings. + (Goes to buffet.) + I wonder where old man Gardner keeps his Havanas? I'd like a + Christmas present of a box of cigars. Are there any over here? + + HATCH: + I didn't look. I gave up robbing tills when I was quite a boy. + (Carries bag toward window and looks out.) + + HARRY: + (Takes box of cigars from buffet) + Ah, here they are. + (With disgust.) + Domestics! What do you think of that? Made in Vermont. The + "Admiral Dewey" cigar. Gee! What was the use of Dewey's taking + Manila, if I've got to smoke Vermont cigars? + + (REDDY enters, carrying tray with food and a bottle.) + + REDDY: + Say, fellers, look at this layout. These is real people in this + house. I found cold birds, and ham, and all kinds of pie, and real + wine. + (Places tray on right end of table.) + Sit down, and make yourselves perfectly at home. + + HARRY: + Well, well, that does look good. + (Places box of cigars at upper end of table, and seats himself.) + Better have a bite, governor. + + HATCH: + No, I tell you. + (He sits angrily in chair at left end of table, with his face + turned toward the curtains.) + + REDDY: + Oh, come on. It don't cost you nothing. + (The light from the candle is seen approaching the curtains.) + + HATCH: + Hush! Look there! + + (He rises, lifting his chair above his head, and advances on tiptoe + to right of curtains, where he stands with the chair raised as + though to strike. + + HARRY points revolver at curtains. + + REDDY shifts the lantern to his left hand and, standing close to + HARRY, also points a revolver. + + ALICE appears between curtains. She is dressed as before, and in + her left hand carries the candle, while the forefinger of her right + hand is held warningly to her lips. For an instant she pauses, in + the ring of light from the lantern.) + + ALICE: + (Whispering) + Hush! Don't make a noise. Don't make a noise, please. + + (There is a long pause.) + + REDDY: + Well, I'll be hung! + + ALICE: + (To REDDY) + Please don't make a noise. + + HATCH: + (in a threatening whisper) + Don't YOU make a noise. + + ALICE: + I don't mean to. My mother is asleep upstairs and she is very ill. + And I don't want to wake her--and I don't want you to wake her, + either. + + REDDY: + Well, I'll be hung! + + HATCH: + (Angrily) + Who else is in this house? + + ALICE: + No one but mother and the maid servants, and they're asleep. You + woke me, and I hoped you'd go without disturbing mother. But when + you started in making a night of it, I decided I'd better come down + and ask you to be as quiet as possible. My mother is not at all + well. + (Takes cigar box off table.) + Excuse me, you've got the wrong cigars. Those are the cigars + father keeps for his friends. Those he smokes he hides over here. + (Places box on buffet and takes out a larger box, with partitions + for cigars, matches, and cigarettes. As she moves about, REDDY + keeps her well in the light of the lantern.) + Try those. I'm afraid you've a very poor supper. When father is + away, we have such a small family. I can't see what you've--would + you mind taking that light out of my eyes, and pointing it at that + tray? + + HATCH: + (sharply) + Don't you do it. Keep the gun on her. + + ALICE: + Oh, I don't mind his pointing the gun at me, so long as he does not + point that light at me. It's most--embarrassing. + (Sternly.) + Turn it down there, please. + (REDDY lets light fall on tray.) + Why, that's cooking sherry you've got. You can't drink THAT! Let + me get you some whiskey. + + REDDY: + (covering her with lantern) + No, you don't. That's not whiskey. It's benzine. + + ALICE: + You don't mean to say that that benzine bottle is there STILL? I + told Jane to take it away. + + REDDY: + (dryly) + Well, Jane didn't do it. + + ALICE: + Now, isn't that just like Jane? I told her it might set fire to + the house and burn us alive. + + REDDY: + It nearly burned me alive. + + ALICE: + I'm so sorry. + (Takes from buffet a tray holding whiskey bottle, siphon, and three + glasses.) + Here, this is what you want. But, perhaps you don't like Scotch. + + HATCH: + Don't you touch that, Reddy. + (Returns to chair at left of table.) + + REDDY: + Why not? + + ALICE: + (pours whiskey into a glass) + Yes; why not? It's not poison. There's nothing wrong with this + bottle. If you're afraid, I'll prove it to you. Just to show you + there's not a trace of hard feelings. + (Drinks and coughs violently.) + + REDDY: + (sympathetically) + SHE'S got the benzine bottle, too. + + ALICE: + No. I'm not quite used to that. + (To HARRY) + Excuse me, but aren't you getting tired holding that big pistol? + Don't you think you might put it down now, and help me serve this + supper? + (HARRY does not move.) + No? Well, then, let the colored gentleman help me. + (HARRY and REDDY wheel sharply, each pointing his revolver.) + + REDDY: + Colored man! Where? + + HARRY: + Colored man! It's a trap! + + (Seeing no one, they turn.) + + ALICE: + (to REDDY) + Oh, pardon me. Aren't you a colored person? + + REDDY: + Me! Colored? You never see a colored man with hair like that, did + you? + (Points lantern at his head.) + This isn't my real face, lady. Why, out of office hours, I've a + complexion like cream and roses. + (Indignantly.) + Colored man! + + ALICE: + I beg your pardon, but I can't see very well. Don't you think it + would be more cheerful if we had a little more light? + + HATCH: + No! + (To REDDY.) + Drop that. We've got to go. + (To ALICE.) + And before we go, I've got to fix you. + + ALICE: + Fix me--how "fix" me? + + HATCH: + I'm sorry, Miss, but it's your own fault. You shouldn't have tried + to see us. Now that you HAVE, before we leave, I've got to tie you + to a chair--and gag you. + + ALICE: + Oh, really--all of that? + + HATCH: + I can't have you raising the neighborhood until we get well away. + + ALICE: + I see. But--gagged--I'll look so foolish. + + REDDY: + Well, there's no hurry. We won't get well away until I've had + something to eat. + + ALICE: + Quite right. + (To Hatch.) You can tie me in a chair later, Mr. ----. But now + you must remember that I am your hostess. + (To REDDY.) + You'll find plates in the pantry, please. + + REDDY: + Oh, I don't use them things. + + ALICE: + You'll use "them things" when you eat with me. Go, do as I tell + you, please. + (REDDY exits..) + And you--put away that silly gun and help him. + + HATCH: + Stay where you are. + + HARRY: + Oh, what's the rush, governor? She can't hurt nobody. And I'm + near starved, too. + (Exit into pantry.) + + HATCH: + This is the last time I take YOU out. + + ALICE: + (arranging the food upon the table) + Now, why are you so peevish to everybody? Why don't you be + sociable, and take some supper? + (Glances at sideboard.) + You seem to have taken everything else. Oh, that reminds me. + Would you object to loaning me about--four, six--about six of our + knives and forks? Just for the supper. I suppose we can borrow + from the neighbors for breakfast. Unless you've been calling on + the neighbors, too. + + HATCH: + Oh, anything to oblige a lady. + (Threateningly.) + But no tricks, now! + + ALICE: + Oh, I can't promise that, because I mightn't be able to keep my + promise. + + (HATCH brings silver knives and forks from the bag.) + + HATCH: + I'll risk all the tricks you know. Nobody's got much the better of + me in the last twenty years. + + ALICE: + Have you been a burglar twenty years? You must have begun very + young. I can't see your face very well, but I shouldn't say you + were--over forty. Do take that mask off. It looks so--unsociable. + Don't be afraid of me. I've a perfectly shocking memory for faces. + Now, I'm sure that under that unbecoming and terrifying exterior + you are hiding a kind and fatherly countenance. Am I right? + (Laughs.) + Why do you wear it? + + HATCH: + (roughly) + To keep my face warm. + + ALICE: + Oh, pardon me, my mistake. + + (A locomotive whistle is heard at a distance. ALICE listens + eagerly. As the whistle dies away and is not repeated, her face + shows her disappointment.) + + HATCH: + What was that? There's no trains this time of night. + + ALICE: + (speaking partly to herself) + It was a freight train, going the other way. + + HATCH: + (suspiciously) + The other way? The other way from where? + + ALICE: + From where it started. Do you know, I've always wanted to meet a + burglar. But it's so difficult. They go out so seldom. + + HATCH: + Yes, and they arrive so late. + + ALICE: + (laughingly) + Now, that's much better. It's so nice of you to have a sense of + humor. While you're there, just close those blinds, please, so + that the neighbors can't see what scandalous hours we keep. And + then you can make a light. This is much too gloomy for a supper + party. + + HATCH: + (closing shutters) + Yes, if those were shut it might be safer. + + (He closes shutters and turns on the two electric lights. REDDY + and HARRY enter, carrying plates.) + + HARRY: + We aren't regular waiters, miss, but we think we're pretty good for + amateurs. + + REDDY: + We haven't forgot nothing. Not even napkins. Have some napkins? + + (Places a pile of folded napkins in front of ALICE. Then sits at + head of table, HARRY to lower right of table. ALICE moves her + chair away from the table, but keeping REDDY on her right. HATCH + sits still further away from the table on her left.) + + ALICE: + Thanks. Put the plates down there. And may I help you to some-- + + REDDY: + (taking food in fingers) + Oh, we'll help ourselves. + + ALICE: + Of course you're accustomed to helping yourselves, aren't you? + (To HATCH.) + Won't you join them? + + HATCH: + No. + + (Through the scene which follows, REDDY and HARRY continue to eat + and drink heartily.) + + ALICE: + No? Well, then, while they're having supper, you and I will talk. + If you're going to gag me soon, I want to talk while I can. + (Rises and hands box to him.) + Have a cigar? + + HATCH: + (takes cigar) + Thanks. + + ALICE: + (standing with hand on back of chair) + Now, I want to ask you some questions. You are an intelligent man. + Of course, you must be, or you couldn't have kept out of jail for + twenty years. To get on in your business, a man must be + intelligent, and he must have nerve, and courage. Now--with those + qualities, why, may I ask--why are you so stupid as to be a + burglar? + + HARRY: + Stupid! + + REDDY: + Well, I like that! + + HATCH: + Stupid? Why, I make a living at it. + + ALICE: + How much of a living? + + HATCH: + Ten thousand a year. + + ALICE: + Ten thousand--well, suppose you made FIFTY thousand. What good is + even a hundred thousand for ONE year, if to get it you risk + going to prison for twenty years? That's not sensible. Merely as + a business proposition, to take the risk you do for ten thousand + dollars is stupid isn't it? I can understand a man's risking + twenty years of his life for some things--a man like Peary or + Dewey, or Santos-Dumont. They took big risks for big prizes. But + there's thousands of men in this country, not half as clever as you + are, earning ten thousand a year--without any risk of going to + jail. None of THEM is afraid to go out in public with his wife and + children. THEY'RE not afraid to ask a policeman what time it is. + They don't have to wear black masks, nor ruin their beautiful + complexions with burnt cork. + + REDDY: + Ah, go on. Who'd give ME a job? + + ALICE: + Whom did you ever ask for one? + + REDDY: + (to HARRY) + Pass me some more of that pie like mother used to make. + + HATCH: + Yes, there are clerks and shopkeepers working behind a counter + twenty-four hours a day, but they don't make ten thousand a year, + and no one ever hears of THEM. There's no FAME in their job. + + ALICE: + Fame! Oh, how interesting. Are you--a celebrity? + + HATCH: + I'm quite as well known as I care to be. Now, tomorrow, all the + papers will be talking about this. There'll be columns about us + three. No one will know we are the ones they're talking about-- + + REDDY: + I hope not. + + HATCH: + But the men in our profession will know. And they'll say, "That + was a neat job of So-and-so's last night." That's fame. Why, + we've got a reputation from one end of this country to the other. + + HARRY: + That's right! There's some of us just as well known as--Mister-- + Santos--Dumont. + + REDDY: + And we fly just as high, too. + + ALICE: + (to HATCH) + I suppose YOU--I suppose you're quite a FAMOUS burglar? + + REDDY: + Him? Why, he's as well known as Billy the Kid. + + ALICE: + Billy the kid, really! He sounds SO attractive. But I'm afraid--I + don't think--that I ever heard of HIM. + + REDDY: + Never heard of Billy the Kid? What do you think of that? + + HATCH: + Well, then, I'm as well known as "Brace" Phillips, the Manhattan + Bank robber. + + REDDY: + SURE he is. + + HATCH: + Don't tell me you never heard of him? + + ALICE: + I'm afraid not. + + HATCH: + Why, he's a head-liner. He's as well known as George Post. Coppy + Farrell? Billy Porter? + + ALICE: + No. There you are. Now, you claim there is fame in this + profession, and you have named five men who are at the top of it, + and I've never heard of one of them. And I read the papers, too. + + REDDY: + Well, there's OTHER ladies who have heard of us. Real ladies. + When I was doing my last bit in jail, I got a thousand letters from + ladies asking for me photograph, and offering to marry me. + + ALICE: + Really? Well, that only proves that men--AS HUSBANDS--are more + desirable in jail than out. + (To HATCH) + No, it's a poor life. + + HATCH: + It's a poor life you people lead with us to worry you. There's + seventy millions of you in the United States, and only a few of us, + and yet we keep you guessing all the year round. Why, we're the + last thing you think of at night when you lock the doors, we're the + first thing you think of in the morning when you feel for the + silver basket. We're just a few up against seventy millions. I + tell you there's fame and big money and a free life in my business. + + ALICE: + Yes, it's a free life until you go to jail. It's this way. You're + barbarians, and there's no place for you in a civilized community-- + except in jail. Everybody is working against you. Every city has + its police force; almost every house nowadays has a private + watchman. And if we want to raise a hue and cry after you, there + are the newspapers, and the telegraph, and the telephone + (nods at telephone) + and the cables all over the-- + + HATCH: + (Grimly) + Thank you. One moment, please. + (Throws open overcoat, showing that it is lined with burglars' + jimmies, chisels, and augers..) + + ALICE: + My! What an interesting coat. It looks like a tool chest. Just + the coat for an automobile trip. + + HATCH: + Harry, cut those telephone wires. + (Hands barbed-wire cutter to HARRY. To ALICE) + Thank you for reminding me. + + ALICE: + Oh, not at all. You've nothing to thank me for. + (HARRY goes to telephone. To HARRY) + Don't make a noise doing that. Don't wake my mother. + (To HATCH) + She's nervous, and she's ill, and if you wake her, or frighten her, + I'll keep the police after you until every one of you is in jail. + + HATCH: + You won't keep after us very far when I've tied you up. Bring me + those curtain cords, Harry. + + ALICE: + Oh, really, that's too ridiculous. + (Listens apprehensively) + + HATCH: + Sorry I had to bust up your still alarm, but after we go, we can't + have you chatting with the police. If you hadn't so kindly given + me a tip about the telephone, I might have gone off and clean + forgot that. + + (HARRY takes curtain cords from window curtains.) + + REDDY: + I'm afraid pretty polly talked too much that time. We ain't all + stupid. + + ALICE: + No, so I see, so I see. It was careless of me. But everybody you + call upon may not be so careless. + + HATCH: + Well, I've won out for twenty years. I've never been in jail. + + ALICE: + Don't worry. You're young. I told you you looked young. Your + time is coming. In these days there's no room for burglars. You + belong to the days of stage-coaches. You're old-fashioned now. + You're trying to fight civilization, that's what you're trying to + do. You may keep ahead for a time, but in a long race I'll back + civilization to win. + + HATCH: + Is that so? Well, Miss Civilization, you've had your say, and I + hope you feel better. + (To HARRY) + Give me that silk muffler of yours. + (To ALICE) + If civilization is going to help you, it's got to hurry. + + ALICE: + You don't mean to say you really are going to gag me? + + HATCH: + I am. + + ALICE: + My! But I shall look silly. + (With her face turned right she listens apprehensively.) + + HARRY: + (Coming down with curtain cords, and taking muffler from his + pocket) + I've got the stuff in this muffler. + + HATCH: + Well, give me that, too. + (Shows inside coat pocket) + I'll put it in the safe. + + (HARRY places muffler on table, exposing jewelry.) + + HATCH: + (begins placing the ornaments one at a time in his pocket. To + ALICE.) + What is it? What did you hear? + + ALICE: + I--I thought I heard my mother moving about. + + HATCH: + Well, she'd better not move about. + + ALICE: + (Fiercely) + You'd better not wake her. + (Sees the jewels.) + Oh! Look at the "graft," or is it "swag?" Which is it? + + HATCH: + (To HARRY) + Cover em up; cover it up. + + (HARRY tries to hide the jewels with one hand, while he passes a + lady's watch to HATCH.) + + HARRY: + (to ALICE) + That's YOUR watch. I'm sorry it has to go. + + ALICE: + I'm not. It's the first time it ever did go. And, oh, thank you + for taking that big brooch. It's a gift of father's, so I had to + wear it, but it's so unbecoming. + (She listens covertly.) + + HATCH: + Put your hat on them. Cover them up. + (HARRY partly covers jewels with his hat. + + HATCH lifts a diamond necklace.) + + ALICE: + I suppose you know your own business--but THAT IS PASTE. + + HATCH: + Do you want to be gagged NOW? + + ALICE: + Pardon me, of course you know what you want. + (Notices another necklace.) + Oh, that Mrs. Warren's necklace! So you called on her, too, did + you? Isn't she attractive! + + REDDY: + We didn't ask for the lady of the house. They ain't always as + sociable as you are. + + ALICE: + Well, that's her necklace. You got that at the house on the hill + with the red roof--the house has the red roof, not the hill. + (She recognizes, with an exclamation, a gold locket and chain which + HATCH is about to place in his pocket.) + Oh! That's Mrs. Lowell's locket! How could you! + (She snatches locket from HATCH, and clasps it in both hands. She + rises indignantly.) + How dared you take that! + + HATCH: + Put that down! + + ALICE: + (wildly and rapidly) + No, I will not. Do you know what that means to that woman? She + cares more for that than for anything in this world. Her husband + used to wear this. + (Points.) + That's a lock of their child's hair. The child's dead, and the + husband's dead, and that's all she has left of either of them. And + you TOOK it, YOU BRUTES! + + REDDY: + Of course we took it. Why does she wear it where everybody can see + it? + + HATCH: + (savagely) + Keep quiet, you fool. + + ALICE: + She WORE it? You took it--FROM HER? + + HATCH: + We didn't hurt her. We only frightened her a bit. + (Angrily.) + And we'll frighten you before we're done with you, Miss + Civilization! + + ALICE: + (defiantly, her voice rising) + Frighten me! You--you with your faces covered! You're not men + enough. You're afraid to even steal from men. You rob WOMEN when + they're alone--at night. + (Holds up locket.) + Try to take that from me! + + VOICE: + (calling) + Alice--Alice! + + ALICE: + Mother! Oh, I forgot, I forgot. + (The burglars rise and move toward her menacingly.) + Please, please keep quiet. For God's sake, don't--let--her--know! + + VOICE: + Alice, what's wrong? Who are you talking to? + + (ALICE runs to the curtains, with one hand held out to the + burglars, entreating silence.) + + ALICE: + I'm--I'm talking to James, the coachman. One of the horses is ill. + Don't come down, mother. Don't come down. Go back to bed. He's + going now, right away. He came for some medicine. It's all right. + Good night, mother. + + VOICE: + Can't I help? + + ALICE: + (Vehemently) + No, no. Good night, mother. + + VOICE: + Good night. + + HATCH: + (fiercely, to HARRY) + That's enough of this! We can't leave here with the whole house + awake. And there's a coachman, too. She'll wake him next. He'll + have the whole damned village after us. + (To ALICE) + That woman upstairs and you have got to have your tongues stopped. + + ALICE: + (standing in front of curtains) + You try to go near that woman! She's ill, she's feeble, she's my-- + mother! You dare to touch her. + + HATCH: + Get out of my way. + + ALICE: + She's ill, you cowards. It will kill her. You'll have to kill me + before you get through this door. + + HATCH: + (savagely) + Well, then, if it comes to that-- + + (Three locomotive whistles are heard from just outside the house. + ALICE throws up her hands hysterically.) + + ALICE: + Ah! At last! They've come. They've come! + + HATCH: + (fiercely) + They've come! What is it? What does that mean? + + (REDDY runs to window and opens the shutters.) + + ALICE: + (jubilantly) + It means--it means that twenty men are crossing that lawn. It + means that while you sat drinking there, Civilization was racing + toward you at seventy miles an hour! + + HATCH: + Damnation! We're trapped. Get to the wagon--quick! No. Leave + the girl alone. We've no time for that. Drop that stuff. That + way. That way. + + REDDY: + (at window) + No. Get back! Get back! It's too late. There's hundreds of them + out there. + + HATCH: + (running to centre door) + Out here! This way! Quick! + + ALICE: + (mockingly) + Yes, come! You don't dare come this way NOW! + + (She drags open the curtains, disclosing CAPTAIN LUCAS and two + other policemen. For an instant they stand, covering the burglars + with revolvers. REDDY runs to window. He is seized by an entering + crowd of men in the oil-stained blue jeans of engineers and + brakemen.) + + CAPTAIN LUCAS: + Hold up your hands, all of you! I guess I know you. + (With his left hand he tears off HATCH'S mask.) + "Joe" Hatch--at last. + (Pulls off HARRY'S mask.) + And Harry Hayes. I thought so. And that's--the "Kid." The whole + gang. + (To the police.) + Good work, boys. + (To ALICE) + My congratulations, Miss Gardner. They're the worst lot in the + country. You're a brave young lady. You ought-- + + ALICE: + (speaking with an effort and swaying slightly) + Hush, please. Don't--don't alarm my mother. Mother's not as + strong as--as I am. + + (Her eyes close, and she faints across the arm of the Chief of + Police as the CURTAIN FALLS.) + + + + + +End of Project Gutenberg's Miss Civilization, by Richard Harding Davis + +*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK MISS CIVILIZATION *** + +***** This file should be named 1742.txt or 1742.zip ***** +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: + http://www.gutenberg.org/1/7/4/1742/ + +Produced by Theresa Aramao + +Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions +will be renamed. + +Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no +one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation +(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without +permission and without paying copyright royalties. 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