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+The Project Gutenberg eBook,  Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 159,
+October 6, 1920, by Various, Edited by Owen Seaman
+
+
+This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with
+almost no restrictions whatsoever.  You may copy it, give it away or
+re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included
+with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org
+
+
+
+
+
+Title:  Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 159, October 6, 1920
+
+Author: Various
+
+Editor: Owen Seaman
+
+
+
+Release Date: December 26, 2005  [eBook #17397]
+
+Language: English
+
+Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1
+
+
+***START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI,
+VOL. 159, OCTOBER 6, 1920***
+
+
+Note: Project Gutenberg also has an HTML version of this
+      file which includes the original illustrations.
+      See 17397-h.htm or 17397-h.zip:
+      (http://www.ibiblio.org/gutenberg/1/7/3/9/17397/17397-h/17397-h.htm)
+      or
+      (http://www.ibiblio.org/gutenberg/1/7/3/9/17397/17397-h.zip)
+
+
+
+
+
+PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI
+
+VOL. 159
+
+OCTOBER 6, 1920.
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+CHARIVARIA.
+
+"Motorists," says a London magistrate, "cannot go about knocking people
+down and killing them every day." We agree. Once should be enough for
+the most grasping pedestrian.
+
+       * * *
+
+"A Kensington lady," we read, "has just engaged a parlourmaid who is
+only three feet seven inches in height." The shortage of servants is
+becoming most marked.
+
+       * * *
+
+A play called _The Man Who Went to Work_ is shortly to be produced in
+the West End. It sounds like a farce.
+
+       * * *
+
+A police-sergeant of Ealing is reported to have summoned six hundred
+motorists since March. There is some talk of his being presented with
+the illuminated addresses of another three hundred.
+
+       * * *
+
+All the recent photographs of Sir ERIC GEDDES show him with a very broad
+smile. "And I know who he's laughing at," writes a railway traveller.
+
+       * * *
+
+With reference to the Press controversy between Mr. H.G. WELLS and Mr.
+HENRY ARTHUR JONES, we understand that they have decided to shake hands
+and be enemies.
+
+       * * *
+
+"In New Zealand," says a weekly paper, "there is a daisy which is often
+mistaken for a sheep by the shepherds." This is the sort of statement
+that the Prohibitionist likes to make a note of.
+
+       * * *
+
+A statistician informs us that a man's body contains enough lime to
+whitewash a small room. It should be pointed out however that it is
+illegal for a wife to break up her husband for decorative purposes.
+
+       * * *
+
+The Manchester Communist Party have decided to have nothing whatever to
+do with Parliament. We understand that the PREMIER has now decided to
+sell his St. Bernard dog.
+
+       * * *
+
+"There are no very rich people in England," says a gossip-writer. We can
+only say we know a club porter who recently stated that he had a cousin
+who knew a miner who ... but we fear it was only gossip.
+
+       * * *
+
+"It is possible for people to do quite well without a stomach," says a
+Parisian doctor. Judged by the high prices, we know a grocer who seems
+to think along the same lines.
+
+       * * *
+
+Special aeroplanes to carry fish from Holland to this country are to run
+in the winter. The idea of keeping the fish long enough to enable them
+to cross under their own power has been abandoned.
+
+       * * *
+
+An Ashford gardener has grown a cabbage which measures twelve feet
+across. It is said to be uninhabited.
+
+       * * *
+
+The Rules of Golf Committee now suggest a standard ball for England and
+America. The question of a standard long-distance expletive for foozlers
+is held over.
+
+       * * *
+
+A youth charged at a police-court in the South of London with stealing
+five hundred cigars, valued at threepence each, admitted that he had
+smoked twenty-six of them. We are glad to learn that no further
+punishment was ordered.
+
+       * * *
+
+_The Waste Trade World_ states that there is a great demand for rubbish.
+Editors, however, don't seem to be moving with the times.
+
+       * * *
+
+Off Folkestone, a few days ago, a trawler captured a blue-nosed shark.
+Complaints about the temperature of the sea have been very common among
+bathers this year.
+
+       * * *
+
+"No one has yet been successful in filming an actual murder," states a
+Picture-goers' Journal. It certainly does seem a pity that our murderers
+are so terribly self-conscious in the presence of a cinematograph man.
+
+       * * *
+
+_The Daily Express_ states that Mrs. BAMBERGER has decided not to appeal
+against her sentence. If that be so, this high-handed decision will be
+bitterly resented by certain of the audience who were in court during
+the trial and eagerly looked forward to the next edition.
+
+       * * *
+
+A _Daily Mail_ reader writes to our contemporary to say that he found
+forty-two toads in his garden last week. We can only suppose that they
+were there in ignorance of the fact that he took in _The Daily Mail_.
+
+       * * *
+
+A pike weighing twenty-six pounds, upon being hooked by a Cheshire
+fisherman, pulled him into the canal. His escape was much regretted by
+the fish, who had decided to have him stuffed.
+
+       * * *
+
+It is possible that Mr. TOM MANN, the secretary of the A.S.E., will
+shortly retire under the age limit. It is rumoured that members have
+started to collect for a souvenir strike as a parting tribute.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Bus Conductor_ (_after passenger's torrents of invective
+on the subject of increased fare_). "RIGHT-O, MA. I'LL TELL 'EM
+EVERYTHINK YOU'VE SAID WEN I TAKES THE CHAIR AT THE NEXT DIRECTORS'
+MEETING."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE ETHIOPIAN AGAIN.
+
+"COAL STILL BLACK."
+
+_Heading in "Church Family Newspaper."_
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+     "The output in the first quarter this year was at the rate of
+     248,000,000 million tons a year. It fell in the second quarter
+     to 232,000,000. Between and beyond these lines there is an
+     ample margin for bargaining."
+
+      _Evening Paper._
+
+Abundantly ample.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+LESSONS FROM NATURE.
+
+TO AN AUTUMN PRIMROSE.
+
+       "If this belief from heaven be sent,
+          If such be Nature's holy plan,
+        Have I not reason to lament
+          What man has made of man?"
+                          _Wordsworth._
+
+
+  Symbol of innocence, to Tories dear,
+    Whom I detect beside the silvan path
+  Doing your second time on earth this year
+    That I may cull a generous aftermath,
+        Let me divine your reason
+  For thus repullulating out of season.
+
+  Associated with the vernal prime
+    And widely known as "rathe," why bloom so late?
+  Was it the lure of so-called "Summer-time,"
+    Extended well beyond the usual date?
+        Our thanks for which reprieve
+  Are SMILLIE'S, though they didn't ask his leave.
+
+  Rather I think you have some lofty plan,
+    Such as your old friend WORDSWORTH loved to sing;
+  That for a fair ensample set to Man
+    You duplicate your output of the Spring;
+        That in your heart there lodges
+  Dimly the hope of shaming Mr. HODGES.
+
+  Ah! gentle primrose by the river's brim!
+    Like _Peter Bell_ (unversed in woodland lore),
+  He'll miss your meaning; you will be to him
+    A yellow primrose--that and nothing more;
+        He'll read in you no sign
+  Of Nature's views about the datum-line.
+
+O.S.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE MINERS' OPERA.
+
+About a week ago, when they took Titterby away to the large red-brick
+establishment which he now adorns, certain papers which were left lying
+in his study passed into my hands, for I was almost his only friend. It
+had long been Titterby's belief that a great future lay before the
+librettist who should produce topical light operas on the GILBERT and
+SULLIVAN model, dealing with our present-day economic crises. The thing
+became an _idée fixe_, as the French say, or, as we lamely put it in
+English, a fixed idea. There can be no doubt that he was engaged in the
+terrible task of fitting the current coal dispute to fantastic verse
+when a brain-cell unhappily buckled, and he was found destroying the
+works of his grand piano with a coal-scoop.
+
+Most of the MS. in my possession is blurred and undecipherable, full of
+erasures, random stage-directions and marginal notes, amongst which
+occasional passages such as the following "emerge" (as Mr. SMILLIE would
+say):--
+
+  "_Secretary._ The fellow is standing his ground,
+                He's as stubborn and stiff as a war-mule.
+
+  _Minister._                                 A
+                     Means will be found
+                     If we look all around
+                To arrive at a suitable formula.
+
+  _Chorus._     Yes, you've got to arrive at a formula."
+
+Difficult though my task may be I feel it the duty of friendship to
+attempt to give the public some faint outline of this fascinating and
+curious work. Scenarios, _dramatis personæ_ and choruses had evidently
+caused the author inordinate trouble, for at the top of one sheet I
+find:--
+
+"ACT I.
+
+_Interior of a coal-mine. Groups of colliers with lanterns and picks (?
+tongs). Enter Chorus of female consumers._"
+
+Then follows this note:--
+
+     "_MEM. Can one dance in coal-mine? Look up COAL
+       in 'Ency. Brit.' Also CELLAR FLAP_;"
+
+and later on, at the end of a passage which evidently described the
+dresses of the principal female characters introduced, we have the
+words:--
+
+    "_BRITANNIA. ? jumper, bobbed hair.
+      ANARCHY. ? red tights_."
+
+Nothing in this Act survives in a legible form, but in Act II. we are
+slightly more fortunate:--
+
+    "SCENE.--_Downing Street_ (it begins). _Enter mixed Chorus of
+    private secretaries, female shorthand writers and
+    representatives of the Press, followed by Sir ROBERT HORNE, Mr.
+    ROBERT WILLIAMS and Mr. SMILLIE._"
+
+What happens after this I can only roughly surmise, but most probably
+Mr. SMILLIE proves false to Britannia and flirts for some time with
+Anarchy, egged on by Mr. WILLIAMS and urged by Sir ROBERT HORNE to
+return to his earlier flame. At any rate, after a little, the
+handwriting grows clearer, and I read:--
+
+  "_Mr. SMILLIE (striking the pavement with his pick)_.
+                We mean to strike.
+
+  _Chorus._  He means to strike, he means to strike,
+             Rash man! Did ever you hear the like
+               Of what he has just asserted?
+             Living is dear enough now, on my soul,
+             What will it be when we can't get coal?
+
+  _PRIME MINISTER (entering suddenly)._
+             This strike must be averted."
+
+There seems to have been some doubt as to how the PRIME MINISTER'S
+entrance should be effected, for at this point we get the marginal note:
+"_? From door of No. 10. ? On wings. ? Trap door. ? Riding St. Bernard
+Dog._"
+
+But the difficulty was evidently settled, and the Chorus begins again:--
+
+            "Oh, here is the wizard from Wales,
+             The wonderful wizard from Wales,
+               The British Prime Minister,
+
+  _MR. WILLIAMS._ Subtle and sinister.
+
+  _Chorus._ Oh, no! That is only your fancy.
+              Disputes he can manage and check;
+              All parties respond to his beck.
+
+  _MR. WILLIAMS._ He talks through the back of his neck!
+
+  _Chorus._   When he talks through the back of his neck
+            We call it his neck-romancy."
+
+Of the arguments used by Mr. LLOYD GEORGE after this spirited
+encouragement no record remains but the following passage:--
+
+          "My dear Mr. SMILLIE,
+          We value you highly
+            Howe'er so ferociously raven you.
+          We must find a way out,
+          And we shall do, no doubt,
+            If we only explore every avenue.
+
+  _Chorus._ Yes, please, do explore every avenue.
+
+    [_Exeunt Mr. LLOYD GEORGE and Mr. SMILLIE arm-in-arm, R. (?
+    followed by St. Bernard) and return C. Exeunt L. and return C.
+    again, and so on._
+
+  _Chorus._ Oh, have you explored every avenue?"
+
+Apparently they have, for later on we get--
+
+  "_PRIME MINISTER._ Then why should you want to strike
+            When the Government saves your faces?
+          You can get more pay when you like
+            On the larger output basis."
+
+And the Chorus of course chimes in:--
+
+          "They can get more pay when they like
+             On the larger output basis."
+
+And there is a note at the side: "_Chorus to wave arms upwards and
+outwards, indicating increased production of coal._"
+
+It seems to have been at some time after this, and probably in Act III.,
+that Titterby went, if I may put it so vulgarly, off the hooks. I think
+he must have got on to the conference between the mineowners and the
+representatives of the miners, and struggled until the gas became too
+thick for him. At any rate, after several unreadable pages, the
+following unhappy fragment stands out clear:--
+
+    "_Mr. SMILLIE still stands irresolute, running his fingers
+    through his hair._
+
+  _Chorus of Mineowners_ (_pointing at him_).
+
+           Ruffled hair requires, I ween,
+           Something in the brilliantine
+             Or else in the pomatum line.
+           How shall we devise a balm
+           Mr. SMILLIE'S locks to calm?
+             Hullo! here comes the Datum-Line!
+
+    _Enter_ Datum-Line. (_? can Datum-Line be personified? ? comic.
+    ? check trousers. ? red whiskers._)"
+
+Nothing more has been written, and it must have been at this point, I
+suppose, that Titterby got up and assaulted his piano. It all seems very
+sad.
+
+EVOE.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: A PROSPECTIVE JONAH?
+
+THE CAPTAIN (_to Sir ERIC GEDDES_). "I SOMETIMES WONDER WHETHER A MAN OF
+YOUR ABILITY OUGHT NOT TO FIND A BETTER OPENING."
+
+[It is rumoured that the Ministry of Transport is to have a limited
+existence.]]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Lady._ "NO COD LEFT, MR. BROWN?"
+
+_Fishmonger_ (_confidentially_). "WELL, MRS. SNIPPS, I'LL OBLIGE YOU. I
+ALWAYS KEEPS A BIT UP MY SLEEVE FOR REG'LAR CUSTOMERS."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+CONSOLATION.
+
+  You may be very ugly and freckledy and small
+  And have a little stubby nose that's not a nose at all;
+  You may be bad at spelling and you may be worse at sums,
+  You may have stupid fingers that your Nanna says are thumbs,
+  And lots of things you look for you may never, never find,
+  But if you love the fairies--you don't mind.
+
+  You may be rather frightened when you read of wolves and bears
+  Or when you pass the cupboard-place beneath the attic stairs;
+  You may not always like it when thunder makes a noise
+  That seems so much, much bigger than little girls and boys;
+  You may feel rather lonely when you waken in the night,
+  But if the fairies love you--_it's all right_.
+
+R.F.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+     "I trust it may be sufficient to convince readers that Mr.
+    Chesterton is CONTINUED AT FOOT OF NEXT COLUMN."
+
+     _Sunday Paper._
+
+At last the ever-recurring problem of where to put the rest of Mr.
+CHESTERTON has been solved.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE LITTLE MOA
+
+(_and how much it is_).
+
+I have been reading a lot about Polynesia lately, and the conclusion has
+been forced upon me that dining out in that neighbourhood might be
+rather confusing to a stranger.
+
+Imagine yourself at one of these Antipodean functions. Your host is
+seated at the head of the table with a large fowl before him. Looking
+pleasantly in your direction he says:--
+
+"Will you have a little moa?"
+
+Not being well up in the subject of exotic fauna you will be tempted to
+make one of the following replies:--
+
+(1) (With _Alice in Wonderland_ in your mind) "How can I possibly have
+more when I haven't had anything at all yet?"
+
+(2) "Yes, please, a lot more, or just a little more," as capacity and
+appetite dictate.
+
+(3) "No, thank you."
+
+The objection to reply No. 1 is that it may cause unpleasantness, or
+your host may retort, "I didn't ask you if you would have a little more
+moa," and thus increase your embarrassment.
+
+No. 2 is a more suitable rejoinder, but probably No. 3 is the safest
+reply, as some of these big birds require a lot of mastication.
+
+In the event of your firing off No. 3, your host glances towards the
+hostess and says--
+
+"Oo, then" (pronounced "oh-oh").
+
+To your startled senses comes the immediate suggestion, "Is the giver of
+the feast demented, or is he merely rude?"
+
+Just as you are meditating an excuse for leaving the table and the
+house, your hostess saves the situation by saying sweetly, "Do let me
+give you a little oo," playfully tapping with a carvingknife the
+breastbone of a winged creature recumbent on a dish in front of her.
+
+It gradually dawns upon you that you are among strange birds quite
+outside the pale of the English Game Laws, and that you will have to
+take a sporting chance.
+
+While you are still in the act of wavering the son of the house says,
+"Try a little huia."
+
+If you like the look of this specimen of Polynesian poultry you signify
+your acceptance in the customary manner; otherwise, in parliamentary
+phraseology, "The Oos have it."
+
+For my own part I fancy that, unless or until some of these unusual
+fowls are extinct, I shall not visit Polynesia, but rest content with
+Purley. Our dinner-parties may be dull, but at least one knows one's way
+about among the dishes.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Fed-up Owner_ (_to holiday Artist_). "CHARMING, MY DEAR
+YOUNG LADY--CHARMING--WITH ONE IMPORTANT OMISSION. YOU'VE FORGOTTEN TO
+PUT IN THE NOTICE ON THE TREE."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A BALLAD OF THE EARLY WORM.
+
+  The gentle zephyr lightly blows
+    Across the dewy lawn,
+  And sleepily the rooster crows,
+    "Beloved, it is dawn."
+
+  The little worms in bed below
+    Can hear their father wince,
+  While, up above, a feathered foe
+    Is busy making mince.
+
+  In vain they seize his slippery tail
+    And try to pull him back;
+  It makes their little cheeks turn pale
+    To hear his waistband crack.
+
+  They draw him down and crowd around;
+    Their tears bespeak their love;
+  For part of him is underground
+    And part has gone above.
+
+  But not for long does sorrow seize
+    The subterranean mind,
+  For father grows another piece
+    In front or else behind.
+
+  And now he's up before the dawn,
+    Long ere the world has stirred,
+  And eats his breakfast on the lawn
+    Before the early bird.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+WHEN THE YOUNG LEAD THE YOUNG.
+
+    "Lady Nurse or Nursery Governess (young) wanted for post near
+    Ventnor, I.W., for boy 2½ years. Experience, similar age, and
+    happy disposition essential."--_Weekly Paper._
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "Oxford, Tuesday.
+
+    The Royal Commission on Oxford and Cambridge Universities began
+    its Oxford session this afternoon in the Extermination Schools."
+
+                                                        _Daily Paper._
+
+_Absit omen!_
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE CONSPIRATORS.
+
+II.
+
+MY DEAR CHARLES,--The Third International is not a Rugby football match.
+It is a corporation of thrusters whose prospectus announces that it will
+very shortly have your blood, having first acquired exclusive rights in
+your money. Have you two acres and a cow? Have you seven pounds three
+and threepence in the Post-Office Savings Bank? Have you any blood? Very
+well, then; THIS CONCERNS YOU.
+
+There was a meeting of shareholders in Moscow as recently as July last.
+The Chairman said: "Gentlemen--I beg your pardon, Comrades,--I am happy
+to be able to report promising developments. Our main enterprise in
+Russia, for technical reasons with which I will not now trouble you, is
+not for the moment profit-producing; but we have been able to promote
+some successful ventures abroad. In all parts of the civilised
+world--and Ireland--we may anticipate a distribution of assets in the
+near future." And among those assets to be parcelled out are, I may say,
+your acres, your cow, your savings and yourself.
+
+There followed a meeting of the Executive Committee (I wish they would
+avoid that tactless word "executive," don't you?). Simple and brisk
+instructions were drafted for foreign agents, bidding them get on with
+it and not spare themselves, or in any case not spare anyone else. These
+were inscribed on linen, which was folded over, with the writing inside,
+and neatly hemmed. Shortly afterwards a number of earnest young men
+wearing tall collars and an air of exaggerated innocence sought to cross
+various frontiers and were surprised and offended when rough and rude
+officials stole their collars and set about taking them to pieces.
+
+I hate to speak slightingly of anyone, but these world-revolutionaries
+have no business to be so young. According to my view a professor of
+anarchy and assassination ought to be a man of middle-age with stiff
+stubble on his chin. He has no business to be a pale and perspiring
+youth, tending to long back hair and apt to be startled by the slightest
+sound when he is alone. And what a lot of them write poetry, and such
+poetry too! That is the manner of the man who is going to seize your
+house and usurp your cow, while you will be lucky if you are allowed a
+place on a perch in your own fowl-house.
+
+We had an opportunity of seeing them in procession when a consignment of
+these world-revolutionaries drove off in state from Berne about the time
+of the Armistice. I told you, last week, that we had a Legation of them,
+very kindly lent by the Moscow management, and I also told you that our
+Italian juggler had let us into the secret of their midnight lucubrations,
+of which we had duly informed the officials interested in such matters.
+We had front places when the motor lorry called for them and the
+military escort arrived to assist all the passengers to take, and keep,
+their seats. Into the lorry were packed the Minister Plenipotentiary and
+Envoy Extraordinary, the Chargé d'Affaires, the First Secretary, the
+Second Secretary, the Third Secretary, the Legal and Spiritual Advisers
+and the Lady Typist. Their features were not easy to distinguish; when
+the Bolshevists assume dominion over us they will not nationalize our
+soap. One or two fell out, but were carefully replaced by willing hands
+and bayonets; and so home.
+
+Now that is a sight you don't often see: a Diplomatique Corps being
+returned to store in a motor lorry. The disappointing thing about them
+was that, for all their fiery propaganda and for all their drastic
+resolutions, never a one of them produced so much as a squib-cracker.
+The only people to derive any excitement from the affair were the small
+children, who took it for a circus.
+
+The best they could do for us was a general strike. What all this had to
+do with trades or unions nobody seemed to know, least of all the
+workers. But there was an attractive sound about the then novel phrase,
+"Direct Action," and it gave a sense of useful business to that
+otherwise over-portly word, "Proletariat." And the local politicians,
+promised good jobs in LENIN'S millennium, made great use of the phrase,
+"Dictatorship of the Proletariat." Thus many an honest workman joined in
+under the belief that it meant an extra hour's holiday on Saturdays, an
+extra hour in bed on Mondays and an extra bob or two of wages.
+
+While it lasts, even a bloodless revolution can be very tiresome; almost
+as disquieting as a general election. Everybody who isn't revoluting is
+mobilised to keep the revolution from being molested. There are no
+trams, because the drivers are demonstrating; no shops, because the
+shopmen are mobilised; no anything, because everyone is out watching the
+fun. So you go into the square to watch also. You see little groups of
+revolutionaries looking sullen and laboriously class-hating. You see a
+lot of soldiers looking very ordinary but trying not to. The riff-raff
+scowl at the soldiers, who are ordered out to shoot at them. The
+soldiers scowl at the riff-raff at whom they are ordered not to shoot.
+And, for some reason which the experts have not yet fathomed, it always
+pours with rain.
+
+When we had succeeded in persuading the soldier who was posted to guard
+our hotel that we were not the proletariat and might safely be let pass,
+we found a gathering of inside-knowledge people discussing the
+situation. The Government ought to have known all about it long
+before--how the Bolshevists were stirring up trouble. "They did," said
+we; "we told them." There was a silence at this, but a smile on the face
+of the audience which we at first mistook for incredulity. We referred
+darkly to our private information, derived, as I told you in my last,
+from the Italian juggler. "Did he do juggling tricks with _your_
+ink-pots too?" asked the French element. "How much money did _you_ give
+him?" asked all the other elements. "And I suppose he also told you,"
+said the Italian officer, "that he had no confidence in his own people
+and that the British alone enjoyed his respect?"
+
+At this moment the Americans came in and asked us to quit arguing and
+attend while they told us how they had unearthed the great plot.... When
+together we reckoned up the Italian juggler's net takings we realised
+that it is an ill revolution which brings no one any good.
+
+  Yours ever,
+  HENRY.
+
+(_To be continued._)
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+CUBBIN' THRO' THE RYE.
+
+    [Suggested by a recently reported incident in the Midlands,
+     when a pack divided, one part getting out of hand and running
+     among standing crops.]
+
+  Gin a body meet a body
+    Cubbin' thro' the rye,
+  Gin a body tell a body,
+    "Seed 'em in full cry,"
+  Useless then to blame the puppies,
+    Useless too to lie;
+  Whippers-in can't _always_ stop 'em,
+    Even when they try.
+
+  Gin a body meet a body
+    Cubbin' thro' the rye,
+  What a body calls a body
+    Dare I say?--not I;
+  Farmers get distinctly stuffy,
+    Neither are they shy,
+  And Masters, when they're really rattled,
+    Sometimes make reply.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+BRAVE NEWS FOR PUSSYFOOT.
+
+     "A good many Church-people at home have been pressing
+    teetotalism, and are now pressing Prohibition, and it is
+    possible that they may succeed about the time when the moon
+    grows cold."--_Weekly Paper._
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: THE MAN YOU GIVE A GAME TO.]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: "RIGHT-O. IF YER WANTS A FIGHT I'M READY. AN' AS WE'VE
+ONLY ONE PAIR O' GLOVES, AN' YOU'RE THE YOUNGEST, I'LL BE A SPORT AN'
+LET YOU WEAR 'EM."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE MYSTERY OF THE APPLE-PIE BEDS.
+
+(_Leaves from a holiday diary._)
+
+I.
+
+An outrage has occurred in the hotel. Late on Monday night ten innocent
+visitors discovered themselves the possessors of apple-pie beds. The
+beds were not of the offensive hair-brush variety, but they were very
+cleverly constructed, the under-sheet being pulled up in the good old
+way and turned over at the top as if it were the top-sheet.
+
+I had one myself. The lights go out at eleven and I got into bed in the
+dark. When one is very old and has not been to school for a long time or
+had an apple-pie bed for longer still, there is something very uncanny
+in the sensation, especially if it is dark. I did not like it at all. My
+young brother-in-law, Denys, laughed immoderately in the other bed at my
+flounderings and imprecations. He did not have one. I suspect him....
+
+II.
+
+Naturally the hotel is very much excited. It is the most thrilling event
+since the mixed foursomes. Nothing else has been discussed since
+breakfast. Ten people had beds and about ten people are suspected. The
+really extraordinary thing is that numbers of people seem to suspect
+_me_! That is the worst of being a professional humourist; everything is
+put down to you. When I was accompanying Mrs. F. to-day she suddenly
+stopped fiddling and said hotly that someone had been tampering with her
+violin. I know she suspected me. Fortunately, however, I have a very
+good answer to this apple-pie bed charge. Eric says that his bed must
+have been done after dinner, and I was to be seen at the dance in the
+lounge all the evening. I have an alibi.
+
+Besides I had a bed myself; surely they don't believe that even a
+professional humourist could be so bursting with humour as to make
+himself an apple-pie bed and not make one for his brother-in-law in the
+same room! It would be too much like overtime.
+
+But they say that only shows my cleverness....
+
+III.
+
+Then there is the question of the Barkers. Most of the victims were
+young people, who could not possibly mind. But the Barkers had two, and
+the Barkers are a respected middle-aged couple, and nobody could
+possibly make them apple-pie beds who did not know them very well. That
+shows you it can't have been me--I--me--that shows you I couldn't have
+done it. I have only spoken to them once.
+
+They say Mr. Barker was rather annoyed. He has rheumatism and went to
+bed early. Mrs. Barker discovered about her bed before she got in, but
+she didn't let on. She put out the candle and allowed her lord to get
+into his apple-pie in the dark. I think I shall like her.
+
+They couldn't find the matches. I believe he was quite angry....
+
+IV.
+
+I suspect Denys and Joan. They are engaged, and people in that state are
+capable of anything. Neither of them had one, and they were seen
+slipping upstairs during the dance. They say they went out on the
+balcony--a pretty story....
+
+V.
+
+I suspect the Barkers. You know, that story about Mrs. B. letting Mr. B.
+get into his without warning him was pretty thin. Can you imagine an
+English wife doing a thing of that kind? If you can it ought to be a
+ground for divorce under the new Bill. But you can't.
+
+Then all that stuff about the rheumatism--clever but unconvincing. Mr.
+Barker stayed in his room all the next morning _when the awkward
+questions were being asked_. Not well; oh, no! But he was down for lunch
+and conducting for a glee-party in the drawing-room afterwards, as perky
+and active as a professional. Besides, the really unanswerable problem
+is, who could have _dared_ to make the Barkers' apple-pie beds? And the
+answer is, nobody--except the Barkers.
+
+And there must have been a lady in it, it was so neatly done. Everybody
+says no _man_ could have done it. So that shows you it couldn't have
+been me--I--myself....
+
+VI.
+
+I suspect Mr. Winthrop. Mr. Winthrop is fifty-three. He has been in the
+hotel since this time last year, and he makes accurate forecasts of the
+weather. My experience is that a man who makes accurate forecasts of the
+weather may get up to any devilry. And he protests too much. He keeps
+coming up to me and making long speeches to prove that he didn't do it.
+But I never said he did. Somebody else started that rumour, but of
+course he thinks that I did. That comes of being a professional
+humourist.
+
+But I do believe he did it. You see he is fifty-three and doesn't dance,
+so he had the whole evening to do it in.
+
+To-night we are going to have a Court of Inquiry....
+
+VII.
+
+We have had the inquiry. I was judge. I started with Denys and Joan in
+the dock, as I thought we must have somebody there and it would look
+better if it was somebody in the family. The first witness was Mrs.
+Barker. Her evidence was so unsatisfactory that I had to have her put in
+the dock too. So was Mr. Barker's. I was sorry to put him in the dock,
+as he still had rheumatics. But he had to go.
+
+So did Mr. Winthrop. I had no qualms about him. For a man of his age to
+do a thing like that seems to me really deplorable. And the barefaced
+evasiveness of his evidence! He simply could not account for his
+movements during the evening at all. When I asked him what he had been
+doing at 9.21, and where, he actually said he _didn't know_.
+
+Rather curious--very few people _can_ account for their movements, or
+anyone else's. In most criminal trials the witnesses remember to a
+minute, years after the event, exactly what time they went upstairs and
+when they passed the prisoner in the lounge, but nobody seems to
+remember anything in this affair. No doubt it will come in time.
+
+The trial was very realistic. I was able to make one or two excellent
+judicial jokes. Right at the beginning I said to the prosecuting
+counsel, "What _is_ an apple-pie bed?" and when he had explained I said
+with a meaning look, "You mean that the bed was not in _apple-pie
+order_?" Ha, ha! Everybody laughed heartily....
+
+VIII.
+
+In my address to the jury of matrons I was able to show pretty clearly
+that the crime was the work of a gang. I proved that Denys and Joan must
+have done the bulk of the dirty work, under the tactical direction of
+the Barkers, who did the rest; while in the background was the sinister
+figure of Mr. Winthrop, the strategical genius, the lurking Macchiavelli
+of the gang.
+
+The jury were not long in considering their verdict. They said: "We
+find, your Lordship, that you did it yourself, with some lady or ladies
+unknown."
+
+That comes of being a professional humourist....
+
+IX.
+
+I ignored the verdict. I addressed the prisoners very severely and
+sentenced them to do the Chasm hole from 6.0 A.M. to 6.0 P.M. every day
+for a week, to take out cards and play out every stroke. "You,
+Winthrop," I said, "with your gentlemanly cunning, your subtle
+pretensions of righteousness--" But there is no space for that....
+
+X.
+
+As a matter of fact the jury were quite right. In company with a lady
+who shall be nameless I did do it. At least, at one time I thought I
+did. Only we have proved so often that somebody else did it, we have
+shown so conclusively that we can't have done it, that we find ourselves
+wondering if we really did.
+
+Perhaps we didn't.
+
+If we did we apologise to all concerned--except, of course, to Mr.
+Winthrop. I suspect him.
+
+A.P.H.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: THE END OF THE SEASON.
+
+_Sympathetic Friend._ "WELL, YOU'VE LAID HER UP NICELY FOR THE WINTER,
+ANYHOW."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+MIXED METEOROLOGICAL MAXIMS.
+
+(_By a Student of Psychology._)
+
+  When the glass is high and steady
+  For domestic broils be ready.
+  When the glass is low and jerky
+  Then look out for squalls in Turkey.
+  When the air is dull and damp
+  Keep your eye on Mr. CRAMP.
+  When the air is clear and dry
+  On BOB WILLIAMS keep your eye.
+  When it's fine and growing finer
+  Keep your eye upon the miner.
+  When it's wet and growing wetter
+  'Twill be worse before it's better.
+  When the tide is at its ebb
+  Fix your gaze on SIDNEY WEBB.
+  When the tide is at high level
+  Modernists discuss the Devil.
+  Floods upon the Thames or Kennet
+  Stimulate the brain of BENNETT;
+  While a waterspout foretells
+  Fresh activities in WELLS.
+  When it's calm in the Atlantic
+  Gooseberries become gigantic.
+  When it's rough in the Pacific
+  Laying hens are less prolific.
+  When the clouds are moving _largo_
+  There is no restraining MARGOT.
+  When their movement is _con brio_
+  'Ware CHIOZZA MONEY (LEO)!
+  When the sun is bright but spotty
+  Diarists become more dotty.
+  When the sun is dim and hazy
+  Diarists become more crazy.
+  When the nights are calm and still
+  Faster travels GARVIN'S quill.
+  When the blizzard's blast is hissing
+  REPINGTON is reminiscing.
+
+  If you ponder well these lines
+  You can read the weather signs
+  In accordance with the rule
+  Binding both on sage and fool:--
+  _Anything in mortal ken
+  May befall us anywhen._
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+COMMERCIAL IMPORTUNITY.
+
+     "Services! Dozens other cars available, £1,500 to £50. Call and
+    insult us."
+
+     _Motor Journal._
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+MORE VISIONS OF THE UNSEEN.
+
+     "The roads are peculiarly situated, and are dangerous not only
+    because they are main cross roads, but also on account of the
+    hidden view they afford of each other."--_Local Paper._
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Teacher._ "AND WHAT DOES _ff_ MEAN?"
+
+_Pupil_ (_after mature deliberation_). "_Fump-Fump._"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE DEVOTED LOVER.
+
+     ["Loiterers will be treated as trespassers."--_Notice on Tube
+    Station._]
+
+  No longer laud, my Jane, the ancient wooer
+    Who for the favours of his ladye fayre
+  Would sally forth to strafe the evil-doer
+    Or beard the dragon in his inmost lair;
+  Find it no more, dear heart, a ground for stray tiffs
+    Because, forsooth, you can't detect in me
+  A tendency to go out whopping caitiffs
+    Daily from ten till three.
+
+  He proved himself in his especial fashion,
+    Daring the worst to earn a lover's boon,
+  But I, no less than he a prey to passion,
+    Faced risks as great this very afternoon,
+  When at the Tube a long half-hour I waited
+    (In fond obedience to your written beck)
+  Where loiterers, it practically stated,
+    Would get it in the neck.
+
+  The liftmen who from time to time ascended
+    To spill their loads (in which you had no part)
+  Regarded me with eagle eyes intended
+    To lay the touch of terror on my heart;
+  But through a wait thus perilously dreary
+    My spirits drooped not nor my courage flinched;
+  "She cometh not," I merely sighed, "I'm weary
+    And likely to be pinched."
+
+  You came at last, long last, to end my fretting,
+    And now you know how your devoted bard
+  Faced for your sake the risk of fine or getting
+    An unaccustomed dose of labour (hard);
+  Harbour no more that idiotic notion
+    That love to-day is unromantic, flat;
+  Gave _Lancelot_ such a proof of his devotion,
+    Did _Galahad_ do that?
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+PAMELA'S ALPHABET.
+
+_Scene._--A DOMESTIC INTERIOR.
+
+Pamela's _father, in one armchair, is making a praiseworthy effort to
+absorb an article in a review on "The Future of British Finance." In
+another armchair_ Pamela's _mother is doing some sort of mending._
+Pamela _herself, stretched upon the hearthrug, is reading aloud
+interesting extracts from a picture-book._
+
+_Pamela_ (_in a cheerful sing-song_). A for Donkey; B for Dicky.
+
+_Her Father._ What sort of dicky?
+
+_Pamela_ (_examining the illustration more closely_). All ugly black,
+bissect for his blue mouf.
+
+_Her Mother_ (_instructively_). Not blue; yellow. And it's a beak, not a
+mouth.
+
+_Pamela._ I calls it a mouf. He's eating wiv it. (_With increasing
+disfavour_) A poor little worm he's eating. Don't like him; he's crool.
+(_She turns the page hurriedly and continues_) C for Pussy; D for Mick.
+
+    [_This is the name of the family mongrel. That the picture
+    represents an absolutely thoroughbred collie matters nothing to_
+    Pamela. _She spends some time in admiring_ Mick, _then rapidly
+    sweeps over certain illustrations that fail to attract._
+
+_Pamela_ (_stopping at the sight of a web-footed fowl, triumphantly_). G
+for Quack-quack.
+
+_Her Father._ Oh, come, Pamela, that's not a quack-quack; that's a
+goose. It makes quite a different noise.
+
+    [_Anticipating an immediate demand for a goose's noise he clears
+    his throat nervously._
+
+_Pamela_ (_with authority_). This one isn't making any noise. It's jus'
+thinking. (_Her father accepts the correction and swallows again._) H
+for Gee-gee. Stupid gee-gee.
+
+_Her Father._ Why stupid?
+
+_Pamela._ 'Acos its tail looks silly.
+
+_Her Father_ (_glancing at the tail, which bears some resemblance to an
+osprey's feather_). You're right; it does.
+
+_Her Mother._ I wonder whether it's wrong to let children get accustomed
+to bad drawings?
+
+_Her Father._ Pamela doesn't get accustomed--she criticises. If it
+weren't for a silly tail here, a stupid face there, her critical faculty
+might lie for ever dormant.
+
+_Pamela_ (_having turned over four or five pages with one grasp of the
+hand, as if determined to suppress the unsatisfactory horse_). R for
+Bunny.
+
+_Her Mother._ No, dear, Rabbit. R for _R_abbit. B for _B_unny.
+
+_Pamela_ (_gently_). No; B is for Dicky. The ugly dicky wiv the blue
+mouf.
+
+_Her Father_ (_rashly_). The blackbird.
+
+_Pamela_ (_conscious of superior knowledge_). That isn't its name.
+That's what it looks like, all black; but its name is Dicky. B for
+Dicky.
+
+_Her Father._ Well, have it your own way. What does S stand for?
+
+_Pamela_ (_turning to the likeness of an elderly quadruped, with great
+assurance_). Baa-lamb!
+
+_Her Father._ Sometimes we call baa-lambs sheep.
+
+_Pamela._ I don't.
+
+_Her Father._ You will when you grow older.
+
+_Pamela._ I won't be any older, not for ever so long. Not till next
+birfday. (_Pushing her book away and assuming an air of extreme
+infancy_) Tired of reading. Want a piggy-back, _please_!
+
+_Her Father_ (_firmly taking up his review again_). Not just now. I'm
+busy with a picture-book.
+
+    [_A reproachful silence falls upon the room._
+
+_Pamela_ (_presently, in a mournful chant_). A for Don-key. B for
+Dicky--
+
+_The Scene closes._
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: THE PRINCE COMES HOME.]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: MORE OUTLINES OF HISTORY.
+
+_Sailor._ "WE HAVE JUST SEEN SOME ORANGE-PEEL AND BANANA-SKINS FLOATING
+ON THE STARBOARD, SIR."
+
+_Columbus._ "WAS THERE ANY CHEWING-GUM?"
+
+_Sailor._ "NO, SIR."
+
+_Columbus._ "THEN IT MUST BE THE WEST INDIES WE'RE COMING TO, AND I'D
+HOPED IT WAS GOING TO BE AMERICA."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+FLOWERS' NAMES.
+
+CROW'S-FOOT.
+
+  Have you noticed that the splendid dreams, the best dreams that there are,
+  Come always in the darkest nights without a single star?
+  When the moonless nights are blackest the best dreams are about;
+  I'll tell you why that should be so and how I found it out.
+
+  There's a bird who comes at night-time, and underneath his wings,
+  All warm and soft and feathery, lie tiny fairy things;
+  He spreads his wings out widely (you see them, not the dark)
+  And you hear the fairies whispering, "Hush! hush!" "I'll tell you!" "Hark!"
+
+  The bird is black and feathery, but his feet are made of gold;
+  He chiefly comes in summer-time, for fairies hate the cold;
+  And if the nights are velvet-dark and full of summer airs
+  He lingers till the sun creeps up and finds him unawares.
+
+  And so you'll see in summer-time, when all the dew is wet,
+  The footprints of his golden claws maybe will linger yet;
+  The little golden flower-buds will gleam like golden grain,
+  And if you pick and cherish them perhaps you'll dream again.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: "HAVE YOU EVER BEEN UP IN AN AEROPLANE, GRANDPA?"
+
+"NO, MY BOY--NOT YET."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+HONOURS EASY.
+
+I.
+
+Not very long ago the following advertisements appeared in the same
+column of _The Southshire Daily Gazette_:
+
+    "Lost, a pure black Pekinese dog, wearing a silver badge marked
+    'Cherub.' Handsome reward offered. F.B., Grand Hotel,
+    Brightbourne."
+
+    "Found, a black Pekinese, wearing a silver badge marked
+    'Cherub.' No reward required. The Limes, Cheviot Road,
+    Brightbourne."
+
+II.
+
+On the same morning the paper was opened and scanned almost
+simultaneously by Mrs. Frederick Bathurst in the sitting-room which she
+and her husband occupied at the Grand Hotel, and by Mr. Hartley Friend
+in the morning-room at "The Limes."
+
+"Oh, Fred," exclaimed Mrs. Bathurst, "Cherub has been found. He's all
+safe at a house called 'The Limes,' in Cheviot Road. Isn't that
+splendid?"
+
+"Very good news," said her husband. "I told you not to worry."
+
+"It's a direct answer to prayer," said Mrs. Bathurst. "But--"
+
+"But what?" her husband inquired.
+
+"But I do wish you had taken my advice not to offer any reward. You
+might so easily have left it open. People aren't so mercenary as all
+that. It stands to reason that anyone staying at an hotel like this and
+bringing a dog with them--always an expensive thing to do--and valuing
+it enough to advertise its loss, would behave properly when the time
+came."
+
+"I don't know," Mr. Bathurst replied. "Does anything stand to reason?
+The ordinary dog-thief, holding up an animal to ransom, might be
+deterred from returning it if no mention of money was made. You remember
+we decided on that."
+
+"Oh, no, I don't think so. You merely had your way again, that was all.
+I was always against offering a reward. And the word 'handsome' too. In
+any case I never agreed to that. You put that in later. Another thing,"
+Mrs. Bathurst continued, "I knew it in some curious way--in my bones, as
+they say--that the fineness of Cherub's nature, its innocence, its
+radiant friendliness, would overcome any sordidness in the person who
+found him, poor darling, all lost and unhappy. No one who has been much
+with that simple sweet character could fail to be the better for it."
+
+Mr. Bathurst coughed.
+
+"That is so?" his wife persisted.
+
+"Well," said Mr. Bathurst, after helping himself to another egg, "let us
+hope so, at any rate."
+
+"It's gone beyond mere hope," said his wife triumphantly. "Listen to
+this;" and she read out the sentence from the second advertisement, "'No
+reward required.' There," she added, "isn't that proof? I'll go round to
+Cheviot Road directly after breakfast and say how grateful we are, and
+bring the darling back."
+
+III.
+
+Meanwhile at "The Limes" Mr. Hartley Friend was pacing the room with
+impatient steps.
+
+"I do wish you would try to be less impulsive," he was saying to his
+wife. "Anything in the nature of business you would be so much wiser to
+leave to me."
+
+"What is it now?" Mrs. Friend asked with perfect placidity.
+
+"This dog," said her husband, "that fastened itself on you in this
+deplorable way--whatever possessed you to rush into print about it?"
+
+"Of course I rushed, as you say. Think of the feelings of the poor
+woman who has lost her pet. It was the only kind thing to do."
+
+"'Poor woman' indeed! I assure you she's nothing of the sort. One would
+think you were a millionaire to be ladling out benefactions like this.
+'No reward required.' Fancy not even asking for the price of the
+advertisement to be refunded!"
+
+"But that would have been so squalid."
+
+"'Squalid!' I've no patience with you. Justice isn't squalor. It's--it's
+justice. As for your 'poor woman,' listen to this." And he read out the
+Bathurst advertisement with terrible emphasis on the words "Handsome
+reward offered." "Do you hear that--'handsome'?"
+
+"Yes, I hear," said his wife amiably; "but that isn't my idea of making
+money."
+
+"I hope you don't suppose it's mine," said her husband. "But there is
+such a thing as common sense. Why on earth the accident of this little
+brute following us home should run us into the expense of an
+advertisement and a certain amount of food and drink I'm hanged if I can
+see."
+
+"Well, dear," said his wife with the same amiability, "if you can't see
+it I can't make you."
+
+IV.
+
+A few minutes later the arrival of "a lady who's come for the Peek" was
+announced.
+
+"No," said Mr. Friend as his wife rose, "leave it to me. I'll deal with
+it. The situation is very delicate."
+
+"How can I thank you enough," began Mrs. Bathurst, "for being so kind
+and generous about our little angel? My husband and I agreed that
+nothing more charmingly considerate can ever have been done."
+
+At this point Mrs. Friend followed her husband into the room, and Mrs.
+Bathurst renewed her expressions of gratitude.
+
+"But at any rate," she added to her, "you will permit me to defray the
+cost of the advertisement? I could not allow you to be at that expense."
+
+Before Mrs. Friend could speak her husband intervened. "No, madam," he
+said, "I couldn't think of it. Please don't let the mention of money
+vulgarize a little friendly act like this. We are only too glad to have
+been the means of reuniting you and your pet."
+
+E.V.L.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "Rufford Abbey is, of course, a wonderful old place, and all
+    the front, from gable to gable, is genuine tenth-century, built
+    in 1139."
+
+     _Sunday Times._
+
+
+It looks as if the ca' canny idea was not so new as we thought it.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Lady with Pram_ (_who has been pointing out to newcomer
+the beauties of the neighbourhood, where a strike is threatened_).
+"THAT'S ONE OF THE 'OT 'EADS."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+AT THE PLAY.
+
+"EVERY WOMAN'S PRIVILEGE."
+
+When _Dahlia_ refused the hand of a wealthy middle-aged nut, with
+faultless knickerbockers and a gift for lucubrated epigrams, preferring
+to throw in her lot (platonically) with a young and penniless social
+reformer, we took no notice of those who feared a scandal ("scandals are
+not what they were," as she said), nor of the girl's assertion that she
+had no use for the alleged romance of marriage. We were confident that
+the little god whose image, with bow and arrow, stood in the garden of
+_Dahlia's_ ancestral home, would put things right for us in the end. Yet
+we were not greatly annoyed when he made a mess of his business and
+married her to the wrong man; for in the meantime such strange things
+had been allowed to occur and the right man had proved such a
+disappointment that we didn't much care what happened to anybody.
+
+It was the rejected lover, _Mortimer Jerrold_, who conceived two bright
+ideas for conquering her independence of mind, apparently for the
+benefit of his rival. First he contrived to get _Harold Glaive_, the
+young socialist, selected as a candidate for Parliament, hoping (if I
+read the gentleman's motive rightly) that his probable failure would
+touch the place where her heart should have been. This scheme did not go
+very well, for he was chosen to contest the seat held by _Dahlia's_ own
+father (which caused a lot of trouble), and in the result beat him.
+
+Meanwhile _Jerrold_ had had an alternative brain-wave. He thought that
+if he pinched the latchkey of _Dahlia's_ Bloomsbury flat, broke in at
+night, and made a show of assaulting her modesty he could prove to her
+that she was only a poor weak woman after all. Nothing, you would say,
+could well have been more stupid. Yet, according to Mr. HASTINGS
+TURNER'S showing (and who were we to challenge his authority?) it came
+off. We were, in fact, asked to believe that a girl who had protested
+her freedom from all sense of sex was suddenly made conscious of it by
+the violence of a man whose advances, when decently conducted, had left
+her cold; and from that moment developed an inclination to marry him. An
+assault by a tramp or an apache would apparently have served almost as
+well for the purpose. If this is "Every Woman's Privilege" it is
+fortunate that so few of them get the chance of exercising it.
+
+Miss MARIE LÖHR herself came very well out of a play that can hardly add
+to the author's reputation. Her personality lent itself to a part which
+demanded a blend of feminine charm with a boyish contempt for romance.
+And she had a few good things to say. It was not Mr. HALLARD'S fault if
+he failed to win our perfect sympathy for a hero whom the heroine
+addressed as "Spats." As for Mr. BASIL RATHBONE, who played the part of
+_Harold Glaive_, I cannot imagine why he took it on. Apart from his
+timorous declaration of love, conveyed on a typewriter, there was no
+colour in it, and nothing whatever to show why his passion petered out.
+I think that the author, in his surprise at the success of _Harold's_
+rival, must have forgotten all about it. Mr. HERBERT ROSS was excellent
+as _Dahlia's_ father, a pleasantly futile baronet under the thumb of a
+sour-tongued managing female, an old-fashioned part in which Miss HELEN
+ROUS has nothing to learn. Miss VANE FEATHERSTON, as the lady who
+finally absorbed the baronet, did her little gratuitous piece all right.
+
+I cannot get myself to believe that all these intelligent actors are
+under any illusion as to the merits of the comedy. With the best wishes
+in the world for the success of Miss MARIE LÖHR'S enterprises, I am
+bound to regard it as yet another instance of a play where the
+attractions of the leading part have a little deranged the judgment of
+the actor-manager.
+
+O.S.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Richard Petafor_ (Mr. HUBERT HARBEN), the apostle of
+Materialism and Physical Exercise, trying to convert _Antony Grimshaw_
+(Mr. HERBERT MARSHALL), the believer in Mysticism and Armchairs.]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+"THE CROSSING."
+
+Mr. ALGERNON BLACKWOOD and Mr. BERTRAM FORSYTH (assisted by Mr. DONALD
+CALTHROP) present to us in _The Crossing_ a certain _Mr. Anthony
+Grimshaw_, a princely egotist of the poetic-idealist type who gets up on
+the hearth-rug and says to his family, "I am a humanitarian before
+everything," and things like that, and then wonders why his wife is
+estranged from him. He has a daughter, _Nixie_, who is not old enough to
+know how bad all this is, and together they hear the wind singing glees
+without words (or in Volapuk, but anyway not intelligible to us poor
+normals), a thing Mr. ALGERNON BLACKWOOD has been doing or pretending to
+do for years without once taking me in.
+
+_Anthony_ is run over and (as we say) dies. After an extraordinarily
+tiresome conversation in the morning-room with his friend and his son
+and his mother (who are also what people call dead) it dawns upon him
+that something odd has happened to himself also. His wife and two
+children, after his (so-called) death, become blissfully happy and set
+to work to finish his book, that being, as they think, his wish. Well, I
+wonder. At any rate in death (as we say) he was not divided--from his
+egotisms.
+
+One knows well enough, alas, how the temptation to spiritual drug-taking
+has grown as the result of the accumulated sorrows of these past years,
+but it is not well that such a treatment of the eternal question should
+be taken seriously. Is this sort of thing really better than the
+harp-and-cloud theory? It is not. One looked in vain for any trace of
+real vision, any true sense of the height and depth of the problem.
+
+Mr. MARSHALL struggled quite manfully with the part of _Anthony_, and of
+course he had his moments. I hope so good a player is not developing the
+"actor's pause," of which I detected signs. Miss IRENE ROOKE had nothing
+in particular to do and did it very well. Mr. HUBERT HARBEN as the
+impenitent profiteer from Lancashire, _Anthony's_ brother-in-law, was
+better suited than I have seen him for some time, and provided the very
+necessary relief. The precocious children infuriated me, but that is
+purely temperamental. The actors who played the parts of those who had
+"crossed" were wrapped in such an atmosphere of gloom, to the strains of
+such meretricious music that (on the evidence) I can only advise people
+to defer their crossing as long as possible; a thing they will doubtless
+do, even if they have a friendlier feeling to the new religion than I
+can command.... I am afraid I proved a bad sailor.
+
+T.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+TWO STUDIES IN MUSICAL CRITICISM.
+
+(_With grateful acknowledgments to "The Times" and "The Morning
+Post."_)
+
+I.
+
+We had quite a hectic time at the Philharmonic--I nearly wrote the
+Phillemonade--concert last night, what with two Czechs, Dabçik and
+Ploffskin, slabs of WAGNER, and Carl Walbrook's Humorous Variations,
+"The Quangle Wangle," conducted by Carl himself. If the honest truth be
+told, we sat down to the Variations with no more pleasurable
+anticipation than one sits down with in the dentist's chair, preparatory
+to the application of gags, electric drills and other instruments of
+odontological torture. (Strange, by the way, that no modernist has
+translated the horrors of the modern Tusculum into terms of sound and
+fury!) But we were most agreeably surprised to find ourselves following
+every one of the forty-nine Variations with breathless interest. Mr.
+Walbrook is indeed a case of the deformed transformed. We found hardly a
+trace of the poluphloisboisterous pomposity with which he used to
+camouflage his dearth of ideas. His main theme is shapely and sinuous,
+and its treatment in most of the Variations titillated us voluptuously.
+But, since it is the function of the critic to criticise, let us justify
+our _rôle_ by noting that the scoring throughout tends to glutinousness,
+like that of the pre-war Carlsbad plum; further, that a solo on the
+muted viola against an accompaniment of sixteen sarrusophones is only
+effective if the sarrusophones are prepared to roar like sucking-doves,
+which, as LEAR would have said, "they seldom if ever do." Still, on the
+whole the Variations arrided us vastly.
+
+It was a curious but exhilarating experience to hear the Bohemians, the
+playboys of Central Europe, interpreted in the roast-beef-and-plum-pudding
+style of the Philharmonic at its beefiest and plummiest. Dabçik survived
+the treatment fairly well, but poor Ploffskin was simply stodged under.
+But they were in the same boat with RICHARD the Elder, whose Venusberg
+music was given with all the orgiastic exuberance of a Temperance Band
+at a Sunday-School Treat, recalling the sarcastic jape of old HANS
+RICHTER during the rehearsal of the same work: "You play it like
+teetotalers--which you are not." Yet the orchestra were lavish of
+violent sonority where it was not required; the well-meaning but
+unfortunate Mr. Orlo Jimson, who essayed the "Smithy Songs" from
+_Siegfried_, being submerged in a very Niagara of noise. WAGNER'S
+scoring no doubt is "a bit thick," but then he devised a special
+"spelunk" (as BACON says) for his orchestra to lurk in, and there is no
+cavernous accommodation at the Queen's Hall.
+
+II.
+
+Though fashion considers September as an unpropitious time for the
+production of novelties, the scheme arranged for the patrons of the
+Philharmonic Concert last night, under the direction of Sir Henry
+Peacham, was successful in bringing together an audience of eminently
+respectable dimensions. The occasion served for the launching under
+favourable circumstances of what constituted the chief landmark of the
+programme--a set of orchestral variations with the quaint title of "The
+Quangle Wangle," from the prolific pen of Mr. Carl Walbrook. It is
+satisfactory to be able to record the gratifying fact that this work met
+with cordial acceptance. In the interests of serious art, the borrowing
+of a title from one of the works of a writer so addicted to levity as
+EDWARD LEAR may perhaps be deprecated, but there can be no doubt of the
+ingenuity and sprightliness with which Mr. Walbrook has addressed
+himself to, and accomplished, his task. If we cannot discover in his
+composition the manifestation of any pronounced individuality or high
+artistic uplift, it none the less commands the respect due to the
+exhibition of a vigorous mentality combined with a notable mastery of
+orchestral resource and mellifluous modulation. At the conclusion of the
+performance Mr. Walbrook was constrained to make the transit from the
+artistes' room to the platform no fewer than three times before the
+applausive zeal of the audience could be allayed.
+
+The remainder of the scheme was copious and well-contrived. Pleasurable
+evidence of the friendly interest shown in the fortunes of the
+Czecho-Slovakian Republic was forthcoming in the performance of two
+works by composers of that interesting race--Messrs. Dabçik and
+Ploffskin--of which it may suffice to say that the temperamental
+peculiarities of the Bohemian genius were elicited with conspicuous
+brilliancy under the inspiring direction of Sir Henry Peacham. In a
+vocal item from _Siegfried_, Mr. Orlo Jimson evinced a sympathetic
+appreciation of the emotional needs of the situation which augurs
+favourably for his further progress, and the powerful support furnished
+him by the orchestra was an important factor in the enjoyment of his
+praiseworthy efforts. An almost too vivacious rendering of the Venusberg
+music brought the scheme to a strepitous conclusion. It may, however, be
+submitted that so realistic an interpretation of the Pagan revelries
+depicted by the composer is hardly in accordance with the best
+traditions of the British musical public.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: THE DREAM OF BLISS.]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Fussy Old Party_ (_who likes to make sure_). "ARE YOU
+_CERTAIN_ YOU GO TO TUNBRIDGE WELLS?"
+
+_Driver_ (_to Conductor_). "'ERE, BILL, WE _ARE_ CARELESS. SOMEONE MUST
+HAVE PINCHED THE NAME-BOARDS WHEN WE WEREN'T LOOKING."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "There is no such thing as infallibility in rerum
+    naturæ."--_Provincial Paper._
+
+Nor, apparently, in journalistic Latin.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "Reward.--Bedroom taken Tuesday, 27th, between Holborn and
+    Woburn-place. A basket and umbrella left."--_Daily Paper._
+
+We compliment the victim of this theft on his courtesy in calling the
+thieves' attention to their oversight.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Exhausted War Profiteer._ "DEER FORESTS FOR THE 'IDLE
+RICH' BE BLOWED! THE 'NEW POOR' CAN 'AVE 'EM FOR ME."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+OUR BOOKING-OFFICE.
+
+(_By Mr. Punch's Staff of Learned Clerks._)
+
+The long-promised _Herbert Beerbohm Tree_ (HUTCHINSON), than which I
+have expected no book with more impatience, turns out to be a volume
+full of lively interest, though rather an experiment in snap-shot
+portraiture from various angles than a full-dress biography. Mr. MAX
+BEERBOHM has arranged the book, himself contributing a short memoir of
+his brother, which, together with what Lady TREE aptly calls her
+_Reverie_, fills some two-thirds of it with the more intimate view of
+the subject, the rest being supplied by the outside appreciations of
+friends and colleagues. If I were to sum up my impression of the
+resulting picture it would be in the word "happiness." Not without
+reason did the TREES name a daughter FELICITY. Here was a life spent in
+precisely the kind of success that held most delight for the
+victor--honour, love, obedience, troops of friends; all that _Macbeth_
+missed his exponent enjoyed in flowing measure. Perhaps TREE was never a
+great actor, because he found existence too "full of a number of
+things"; if so he was something considerably jollier, the enthusiastic,
+often inspired amateur, approaching each new part with the zest of a
+brief but brilliant enthusiasm. I suppose no popular favourite ever had
+his name associated with more good stories and wit, original and
+vicarious. Despite some entertaining extracts from his commonplace book
+I doubt if this side of him is quite worthily represented; at least
+nothing here quoted beats Lady TREE'S own _mot_ for a mendacious
+newspaper poster--_Canard à la Press_. Possibly we are still to look for
+a more official volume of reference; meantime the present memoir gives a
+vastly readable sketch of one whose passing left a void perhaps
+unexpectedly hard to fill.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+In the prefatory chapter of _Our Women_ (CASSELL) Mr. ARNOLD BENNETT
+coyly disclaims any intention of tackling his theme on strictly
+scientific principles. The warning is perhaps hardly necessary, since,
+apart from the duty which the author owes to his public as a novelist
+rather than a philosopher, the title alone should be a sufficient guide.
+One would hardly expect a serious zoologist, for instance, in attempting
+to deal with the domesticated fauna, to entitle his work _Our Dumb
+Friends_. The book is divided in the main between adjuration and
+prophecy. As a result of their emancipation from economic slavery, Mr.
+BENNETT expects women--women, that is to say, of the "top class," as he
+calls it--to adopt more and more the _rôle_ of professional
+wage-earners; but at the same time he insists that they do not as yet
+take themselves seriously enough as professional housekeepers. How the
+two functions are to be combined it is a little difficult to see, but
+apparently women are to retain a profession as a stand-by in case they
+fail to marry or to remain married. At the same time Mr. BENNETT takes
+it for granted that woman will never relinquish her position as a
+charmer of man, or even the use of cosmetics and expensive lingerie.
+Speaking neither as a novelist nor as a philosopher, I cannot help
+feeling that Mr. BENNETT is too apt to consider the things he
+particularly likes about women to be eternal, and those that he does not
+like so much to be susceptible of alteration and improvement. Anyhow, it
+looks as if Our Men were going to have rather a thin time.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Miss BEATRICE HARRADEN calls her latest story _Spring Shall Plant_
+(HODDER AND STOUGHTON). She might equally well have called it _The
+Successes of a Naughty Child_. Certainly it is chiefly concerned with
+the many triumphant insubordinations of _Patuffa_ (whom I suspect of
+having been encouraged by her too challenging name) both at home and at
+the various schools from which she either ran away or was returned with
+thanks. This is all mildly attractive if only from the vivacity of its
+telling; but I confess to having felt a mild wonder whether a child's
+book had not got on to my table by error--when the grown-ups suddenly
+began to carry on in a way that placed all such doubts at rest. There
+was, for example, a Russian lady, godmother of _Patuffa_, who escaped
+from somewhere and established herself, with others of her kind, in an
+attic in Coptic Street. My welcome for this interesting fugitive was to
+some extent shaken by a realisation that she was (so to speak) a refugee
+from the other side and, in a sense, a spiritual ancestress of
+Bolshevism. Miss HARRADEN would however object, and justly, that the
+clean-purposed conspirators of the earlier revolution had little in
+common with the unsavoury individuals who at present obscure the Russian
+dawn. Soon after this, _Patuffa's_ papa begins to go quite dreadfully
+off the rails, even to the extent of wishing to elope with her governess
+and eventually losing all his money and shooting himself. There was also
+a famous violinist--well, you can see already that _Patuffa's_ vernal
+experiences were on generous lines. It is to the credit of all concerned
+that she and her story retain an appreciable charm under adverse
+conditions.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Nothing, one would imagine, could promise much more restful reading than
+a book that concerns itself with such things as christening robes for
+caterpillars, the dyeing blue of white chickens and searches among
+Californian lilies and pine-trees for the soul of a hog unseasonably
+defunct. But, since this most uncharitable age refuses to believe
+anything just because it is told it should, the peaceful pages of _The
+Diary of Opal Whiteley_ (PUTNAM) are unfortunately fussed over with a
+controversy that no one who reads them can quite escape. Miss WHITELEY'S
+diary is presented with every circumstance of solemn asseveration as the
+unaided work of a child of seven, only now pieced together by the writer
+after quite a number of years. If you care to throw yourself into the
+argument you will certainly find heaps of reasons for thinking unkind
+thinks, as the writer would say, of the truth of this claim,
+particularly in the completeness with which every incident is carried
+through various stages to its literary finish; but, if you will be ruled
+by me, you will try to forget anything but the book itself, with its
+quite charming pictures of many animals and one little girl, their
+understanding friend. The quaint idiom in which the diary is supposed to
+have been written (or, of course, was written) adds to the delight of a
+rather uncommon feeling for nature at its simplest, while the scrapes
+for which the small heroine receives (or, you may say, is alleged to
+receive) well-deserved punishment preserve the book from ever dropping
+into mere mawkishness. A great pity, I think, that it was not published
+rather as based on childish memories than as the actual printed script
+of a prodigy.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+_Moon Mountains_ (HURST AND BLACKETT) is a story which with the best
+will in the world I found it impossible to regard wholly seriously. The
+greater part of the scene is laid in Darkest Africa, where the father of
+the hero, _Peter_ (my hope that the _Peter_ habit had blown over appears
+to have been premature), disappears at an early stage. The subsequent
+course of events reminds me of the words of the musical-comedy poet,
+popular in my youth, who wrote, "It were better for you rather not to
+try and find your father, than to find him"--well, certainly better than
+to find him as _Peter_ found his. Perhaps it would not be unfair to
+suppose that Miss MARGARET PETERSON had at this point her eye already
+firmly fixed upon her big situation. Certainly the course of _Peter_ is
+rather impatiently and spasmodically sketched till the moment when
+matters are sufficiently advanced to ship him also to Africa, in company
+with an elderly hunter of butterflies named _Mellis_. Their adventures
+form the bulk of the tale (filled out with some chat about elephants,
+and a sufficiency of love-making on the part of _Peter_), and I suppose
+I need hardly tell you how one of them, poor _Mellis_, is immediately
+captured and brought before the terrible white king of the hidden lands,
+nor how this same monarch, a really dreadfully unpleasant person, turns
+out to be--Precisely. So there the tale is; little more incredible than,
+I dare say, most of its kind; and if you have no rooted objection to
+characters all of whom behave like persons who know they are in a book
+there is no reason why you should not find it at least passably
+entertaining.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Mr. F. BRETT YOUNG'S manner of presenting _The Tragic Bride_ (SECKER) is
+not free from affectation, and this is the more irritating because his
+literary style is in itself admirably unpretentious. But having recorded
+this complaint I gladly go on to declare that his tale of _Gabrielle
+Hewish_ has both charm and distinction. I protest my belief in
+_Gabrielle_ both in her Irish and English homes, but my protest would
+have been superfluous if Mr. BRETT YOUNG had not almost super-taxed my
+powers of belief. So also with _Arthur Payne_; he is a fascinating lad,
+and the battle between his mother and _Gabrielle_ for possession of him
+was a royal struggle, fought without gloves yet very fairly. All the
+same I caught myself doubting once or twice whether any boy could at the
+same time be so human and so inhuman. It is to Mr. BRETT YOUNG'S credit
+that these doubts do not interfere with one's enjoyment of his book, and
+the reason is that he is first and last and all the time an artist.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _New Clerk._ "BEG PARDON, SIR, BUT THERE'S A GENTLEMAN
+OUTSIDE WHO SAYS THAT YOU'VE ROBBED HIM OF ALL HE HAD."
+
+_Turf Accountant._ "WELL, WHAT'S HIS NAME? ASK HIM TO GIVE YOU HIS NAME.
+HOW AM I TO DISTINGUISH HIM IF HE DOESN'T SEND HIS NAME IN?"]
+
+
+
+***END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI,
+VOL. 159, OCTOBER 6, 1920***
+
+
+******* This file should be named 17397-8.txt or 17397-8.zip *******
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