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diff --git a/17228.txt b/17228.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..0a90c10 --- /dev/null +++ b/17228.txt @@ -0,0 +1,6869 @@ +Project Gutenberg's "Swingin Round the Cirkle.", by Petroleum V. Nasby + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: "Swingin Round the Cirkle." + His Ideas Of Men, Politics, And Things, As Set Forth In + His Letters To The Public Press, During The Year 1866. + +Author: Petroleum V. Nasby + +Illustrator: Thomas Nast + +Release Date: December 5, 2005 [EBook #17228] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ASCII + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK "SWINGIN ROUND THE CIRKLE." *** + + + + +Produced by Barbara Tozier, Bill Tozier and the Online +Distributed Proofreading Team at https://www.pgdp.net + + + + + +"SWINGIN ROUND THE CIRKLE." + + +BY + + +PETROLEUM V. NASBY, + +LATE PASTOR OF THE CHURCH OF THE NEW DISPENSATION, CHAPLAIN TO HIS +EXCELLENCY THE PRESIDENT, AND P.M. AT CONFEDERATE x ROADS, KENTUCKY. + + +HIS IDEAS OF + +MEN, POLITICS, AND THINGS, + +AS SET FORTH IN HIS LETTERS TO THE PUBLIC PRESS, DURING THE YEAR 1866. + + +Illustrated by Thomas Nast. + + +BOSTON: +LEE AND SHEPARD. +1867. + + + + +_DEDIKASHUN UV THIS BOOK._ + + TO + + ANDROO JOHNSON, + + THE PRIDE AND HOPE UV DIMOCRISY, + + Who hez bin Alderman uv his native village, + Guvner uv his State, + Member uv the lower house uv Congress, + And likewise uv the Senit, + Vice President and President, and might hev bin Diktater, + But who is, nevertheless, a Humble Individooal; + Who hez swung around the entire cirkle uv offishl + honor, without feelin his Oats much; + The first public man who considered my + services worth payin for; + + AND TO + + ALEX. W. RANDALL, + POSTMASTER GENRAL, + + His most devoted Servant, + Whose autograph adorns my Commishn ez Postmaster, + _This Volume_ + + IS RESPECTFULLY DEDIKATED. + + + + +CONTENTS. + + + PREFIS, OR INTERDUCTRY CHAPTER + I.--AFTER THE NEW JERSEY ELECTION + II.--CONVERSES WITH GENERAL MCSTINGER + III.--A REMARKABLE DREAM + IV.--A CHANGE OF BASE--KENTUCKY + V.--ABOLITION IN KENTUCKY + VI.--A CONVERSATION WITH A KENTUCKIAN + VII.--A VISION--SPIRIT OF ANDREW JACKSON + VIII.--A PLAN FOR UP-BUILDING THE DEMOCRACY + IX.--A VISION OF THE NEXT WORLD + X.--A SONNET + XI.--THE SITUATION--THE DEMOCRACY WARNED + XII.--THE PRESIDENT'S 22D OF FEBRUARY SPEECH + XIII.--A WARNING + XIV.--REFUSES TO SUPPORT THE PRESIDENT + XV.--THE PATRIARCHAL SYSTEM + XVI.--A DREAM + XVII.--A KENTUCKY TEA PARTY + XVIII.--A CRY OF EXULTATION + XIX.--A WAIL OF ANGUISH + XX.--MOURNFUL VIEW OF THE SITUATION + XXI.--A PSALM OF GLADNESS + XXII.--A DISCOURSE UPON THE NIGGER + XXIII.--WORKINGS OF THE FREEDMEN'S BUREAU + XXIV.--PRESIDES AT A CHURCH TRIAL + XXV.--MEETING TO INDORSE GEN. ROSSEAU + XXVI.--PREACHES--THE "PRODIGAL SON" + XXVII.--A PLEASANT DREAM + XXVIII.--THE REWARD OF VIRTUE + XXIX.--THE CONVOCATION AT PHILADELPHIA + XXX.--THE GREAT PRESIDENTIAL EXCURSION + XXXI.--THE PRESIDENTIAL TOUR CONTINUED + XXXII.--END OF THE PRESIDENTIAL TOUR + XXXIII.--AT HOME AGAIN + XXXIV.--THE CLEVELAND CONVENTION + XXXV.--AN APPEAL TO THE PEOPLE + XXXVI.--THE OCTOBER ELECTIONS + XXXVII.--MR. NASBY'S OPINION ON THE CAUSE OF THE PRESIDENT'S DEFEAT + XXXVIII.--ANDREW JOHNSON PRESIDENT OR KING? + XXXIX.--A CABINET MEETING + XL.--SERMON ON THE NOVEMBER ELECTIONS + XLI.--A FEW LAST WORDS + + + + +PREFIS, + +OR + +INTERDUCTRY CHAPTER. + + +There is a vacancy in the mind uv the public for jist sich a book ez +this, else it had never bin published. There is a vacancy in my pockit +for the money I am to reseeve ez copy-rite, else I hed never slung +together, in consecootive shape, the ijees wich I hev from time to time +flung out thro the public press, for the enlitenment uv an ongrateful +public and the guidance uv an obtoose Dimocracy. + +I didn't put these thots uv mine upon paper for amoozement. There hezn't +bin anythin amoozin in Dimocrisy for the past five years, and the +standard-bearers, the captins uv fifties and hundreds, the leaders uv +the hosts, hev hed a ruther rough time uv it. Our prominence made us +uncomfortable, for we hev bin the mark uv every writer, every orator, ez +well ez uv every egg-thrower, in the country. When that gileless +patriot, Jeems Bookannon, retired to private life, regretted by all who +held office under him, Dimocracy felt that she wuz entrin upon a period +uv darknis and gloom. The effort our Suthern brethrin made for their +rites, rendered the position uv us Northern Dimocrats eggstremely +precarious. We coodent go back on our friends South, for, knowin that +peace must come, and that when it did come we wood hev to, ez in the +olden time, look to them for support and maintenance, it behooved us to +keep on their good side. This wood hev bin easy enuff, but alars! there +are laws agin treason, and two-thirds uv the misguided people north hed +got into a way uv thinkin that the Dimocrasy South had committed that +crime, and they intimated that ef we overstepped the line that divides +loyalty from treason by so much ez the millionth part uv a hair, they'd +make us suffer the penalty they hoped to mete out to them, but wich, +owin to Johnson, they dident, and wat's more, can't. Halleloogy! + +But I anticipate. Twict I wuz drafted into a service I detested--twict I +wuz torn from the buzzum uv my family, wich I wuz gittin along well +enough, even ef the wife uv my buzzum wood occasionally git obstinit, +and refooze to give me sich washin money ez wuz nessary to my existence, +preferrin to squander it upon bread and clothes for the +children,--twict, I say, I wuz pulled into the servis, and twict I wuz +forced to desert to the Dimocrisy uv the south, rather than fite agin +em. When finally the thumb uv my left hand wuz acksidentally shot off, +owin to my foot becomin entangled into the lock uv my gun, wich thumb +wuz also accidentally across the muzzle thereof, and I wuz no longer +liable to military dooty and cood bid Provost Marshels defiance, I only +steered clear uv Scylla to go bumpin onto Charybdis. I coodent let +Dimocrisy alone, and the eggins--the ridin upon rails--the takin uv the +oath--but why shood I harrow up the public buzzum? I stood it all till +one nite I wuz pulled out uv bed, compelled to kneel onto my bare knees +in the cold snow, the extremity uv my under garment, wich modesty +forbids me to menshun the name uv it, fluttrin in a Janooary wind, and +by a crowd uv laffin soljers compelled to take the oath and drink a pint +uv raw, undilooted water! That feather broke the back uv the camel. The +oath give me inflamashen uv the brane and the water inflamashen uv the +stumick, and for six long weeks I lay, a wreck uv my former self. Ez I +arose from that bed and saw in a glass the remains uv my pensive beauty, +I vowed to wage a unceasin war on the party wich caused sich havoc, and +I hev kept my oath. + +I hev bin in the Apossel biznis more extensively than any man sence the +time uv Paul. First I established a church uv Democrats in a little +oasis I diskivered in the ablishn state uv Ohio, to wit, at Wingert's +Corners, where ther wuz four groceries, but nary church or skool-house +within four miles, and whose populashen wuz unanimously Dimocratic, the +grocery keepers hevin mortgages on all the land around em--but alars! I +wuz forced to leeve it after the election of Linkin in 1864. Noo Gersey +bein the only state North wich wuz onsquelched, to her I fled, and at +Saint's Rest (wich is in Noo Gersey) I erected another tabernacle. There +I stayed, and et and drank and wuz merry, but Ablishnism pursood me +thither, and in the fall uv '65 that state got ornery and cussid, and +went Ablishn, and agin, like the wandrin Jew, I wuz forced to pull up, +and wend my weary way to Kentucky, where, at Confedrit x Roads, I feel +that I am safe. Massychoosets ideas can't penetrate us here. The +aristocracy bleeve in freedom uv speech, but they desire to exercise a +supervision over it, that they may not be led astray. They bleeve they'r +rite, and for fear they'd be forced to change their minds, whenever they +git into argument with anybody, ef the individooal gits the better uv +them, they to-wunst shoot him ez a disturber. Hence Massychoosits can't +disturb us here; the populashen is unanimously Democratic, and bids fair +to continyoo so. + +Here I hope to spend the few remainin years uv a eventful life. Here in +the enjoyment uv that end uv the hopes uv all Democrats, a Post Offis, +with four well-regulated groceries within a stun's throw, and a +distillery ornamentin the landscape only a quarter uv a mile from where +I rite these lines, with the ruins uv a burnt nigger school house within +site uv my winder, from wich rises the odor, grateful to a Democratic +nostril, and wich he kin snuff afar off, and say ha! ha! to, uv a half +dozen niggers wich wuz consumed when it wuz burned, wat more kin I want? +I feel that I am more than repaid for all my suffrins, and that I shel +sale smoothly down the stream uv time, unvexed and happy. + +It is proper to state that the papers uv which this volume is composed +wuz written at various times and under various circumstances. They +reflect the mind uv the author doorin a most eventful year in his +history, and mark the condition uv the Dimocrisy from week to week. +Consekently they shift from grave to gay, from lively to severe, with +much alacrity, the grate party seemin at times to be lifted onto the top +wave uv success, and at other times bein down in the trough uv +despondency and despair. + +I mite say more, but wherefore? Ez the record uv a year uv hopes and +fears, uv exaltation and depression, it may possess interest or may +not--'cordin to the style uv the reader. Whatever may be its fate, one +thing I am certin uv, to wit: I am a reglerly commissioned P.M.; and +while the approval of the public mite lighten the toils uv offishl life +and sweeten the whisky wich the salary purchases, the frowns uv the said +public can't redoose me to the walks uv private life. They can't frown +me out uv offis, nor frown P.M. General Randall's name off my commishn. + + P.V.N. + + POST OFFIS, CONFEDRIT x ROADS + (wich is in the State uv Kentucky), + Oct. 1, 1866. + + + + +SWINGIN ROUND THE CIRKLE. + + + + +I. + +After the New Jersey Election, 1865. + + + SAINT'S REST + (wich is in the State uv Noo Gersey), + November, 9, 1865. + +Never wuz I in so pleasant a frame uv mind as last night. All wuz peace +with me, for after bein buffeted about the world for three skore years, +at last it seemed to me ez tho forchune, tired uv persekootin a +unforchnit bein, hed taken me into favor. I hed a solemn promise from +the Demekratic State Central Committy in the great State uv Noo Gersey, +that ez soon ez our candidate for Governor wuz dooly elected, I shood +hev the position uv Dorekeeper to the House uv the Lord (wich in this +State means the Capital, & wich is certainly better than dwellin in the +tents uv wicked grosery keepers, on tick, ez I do), and a joodishus +exhibition uv this promise hed prokoored for me unlimited facilities for +borrerin, wich I improved, muchly. + +On Wednesday nite I wuz a sittin in my room, a enjoyin the pleasin +reflection that in a few days I should be placed above want & beyond the +contingencies uv fortune. Wood! oh wood! that I hed died then and there, +before that dream ov bliss wuz roodly broken. A wicked boy cum runnin +past with a paper wich he hed brot from the next town where there lives +a man who takes one. He flung it thro the window to me and past on. I +opened it eagerly, and glanced at the hed lines! + + "NOO GERSEY--5,000 REPUBLIKIN!" + +One long and piercin shreek wuz heard thro that house, and wen the +inmates rushed into the room they found me inanymate on the floor. The +fatal paper lay near me, explainin the cause uv the catastrophe. The +kind-hearted landlord, after feelin uv my pockets and diskiverin that +the contents thereof wood not pay the arrearages uv board, held a +hurried consultation with his wife as to the propriety uv bringin me to; +he insisting that it wuz the only chance uv gittin what wuz back--she +insistin that ef I was brung to I'd go on runnin up the bill, bigger and +bigger, and never pay at last. While they was argooin the matter, pro +and con, I happened to git a good smell uv his breath, wich restored me +to consciousniss to-wunst, without further assistance. + +When in trouble my poetic sole alluz finds vent in song. Did ever poet +who delited in tombs, and dark, rollin streams, and consumption, and +blighted hopes, and decay, and sich themes, ever hev such a pick of +subjects ez I hev at this time? The follerin may be a consolation to the +few Dimokrats uv the North who have gone so far into copperheadism that +they can't change their base:-- + + A WALE! + +In the mornin we go forth rejoicin in our strength--in the evenin we are +bustid and wilt! + +Man born uv woman (and most men are) is uv few days, & them is so full +uv trouble that it's skarsely worth while bein born at all. + +In October I waded in woe knee-deep, and now the waters uv afflickshun +are about my chin. + +I look to the east, and Massychusets rolls in Ablishun. + +To the west I turn my eyes, and Wisconsin, and Minnesota, and Illinoy +ansers Ablishun. + +Southward I turn my implorin gaze, and Maryland sends greetin--Ablishun. +In New York we had em, for lo! we run a soljer, who fought valiantly, +and we put him on a platform, wich stunk with nigger--yea, the savor +thereof wuz louder than the Ablishun platform itself. + +But behold! the people jeer and flout, and say "the platform stinketh +loud enough, but the smell thereof is _not_ the smell uv the Afrikin--it +is of the rotten material uv wich it is composed, and the corrupshun +they hev placed upon it"--and New York goes Ablishun. + +Slocum held hisself up, and sed, "Come and buy." And our folks bought +him and his tribe, but he getteth not his price. + +NOO GERSEY--ABLISHUN!! + +Job's cattle wuz slain by murrain and holler horn and sich, and, not +livin near Noo York, the flesh thereof he cood not sell. + +But Job hed suthin left--still cood he sell the hides and tallow! + +Lazarus hed sores, but he hed dorgs to lick them. + +Noo Gersey wuz the hide & tallow uv the Dimocrisy, and lo! that is gone. + +What little is left uv the Dimocrisy is all sore, but where is the dorg +so low as to lick it! + +Noo Gersey wuz our ewe lamb--lo! the strong hand uv Ablishnism hez taken +it. + +Noo Gersey wuz the Aryrat on wich our ark rested--behold! the dark waves +uv Ablishnism sweep over it! + +Darkness falls over me like a pall--the shadder uv woe encompasseth me. + +Down my furrowed cheeks rolleth the tears uv anguish, varyin in size +from a large Pea to a small tater. + +Noo Gersey will vote for the Constooshnel Amendment, and lo! the Nigger +will possess the land. + +I see horrid visions! + +On the Camden and Amboy, nigger brakesmen; and at the polls, niggers! + +Where shall we find refuge? + +In the North? Lo! it is barred agin us by Ablishnism. + +In the South? In their eyes the Northern copperhead findeth no favor. + +In Mexico? There is war there, and we might be drafted. + +Who will deliver us? Who will pluck us from the pit into wich we hev +fallen? + +Where I shel go the Lord only knows, but my impression is, South Karliny +will be my future home. Wade Hampton is electid Governor, certin, and in +that noble State, one may perhaps preserve enough uv the old Dimokratic +States Rites to leaven the whole lump. + + "I'm aflote--I'm aflote + On the dark rollin sea." + +And into what harbor fate will drive my weather-beaten bark, the +undersigned can not trooly say. + +Noo Gersey--farewell! The world may stand it a year or two, but I doubt +it. + + Mournfly and sadly, + PETROLEUM V. NASBY, + Lait Paster uv the Church uv the Noo Dispensashun. + + + + +II. + +A Conversation with General McStinger, of the State of Georgia, which +is interrupted by a Subjugated Rebel. + + + WASHINGTON, D.C., NOV. 18, 1865. + +Sence the November elections I hev bin spendin' the heft uv my time in +Washinton. I find a melankoly pleasure in ling'rin around the scene uv +so many Demokratic triumphs. Here it wuz that Brooks, the heroic, +bludgeoned Sumner; here it wuz that Calhoon, & Yancey, and Breckinridge +achieved their glory and renown. Besides, it's the easiest place to +dodge a board bill in the Yoonited States. There's so many Congressmen +here who resemble me, that I hev no difficulty in passin for one, +two-thirds uv the time. + +Yesterday I met, in the readin-room uv Willard's, Ginral MacStinger, of +South Karliny. The Ginral is here on the same bizness most uv the +Southern men hev in this classic city, that uv prokoorin a pardon, wich +he hed prokoored, and wuz gittin ready to go home and accept the +nominashen for Congress in his deestrick. + +The Ginral wuz gloomy. Things didn't soot him, he observed, and he wuz +afeerd that the country wuz on the high road to rooin. He hed bin absent +from the Yoonited States suthin over four yeers, wich time he hed spent +in the southern confederacy. When he went out the Constooshnel Dimocrisy +hed some rites wich wuz respected. On his return wat did he see? The +power in the hands uv Radikals, Ablishnism in the majority everywhere, a +ex-tailor President,--a state uv affairs disgustin in the extreme to the +highly sensitive Southern mind. He had accepted a pardon only becoz he +felt hisself constrained to put hisself in2 position to go to Congress, +that the country might be reskood from its impendin peril. He shood go +to Congress, and then he should ask the despots who now hev control, +whether,-- + +1. They spozed the South wood submit to hoomiliatin condishns? + +2. What Androo Johnson means by dictatin to the Convenshuns uv sovereign +States? + +"Why," sez he, "but a few days ago this boor hed the ashoorence to write +to the Georgy Convenshun that it '_must not_'--mark the term--'MUST NOT +assoom the confedrit war debt.' Is a tailor to say '_must not_' to +shivelrus Georgy? Good God!--where are we driftin? For one, I never will +be consilliated on them terms--never! I never wuz used to that style uv +talk in Dimekratic convenshuns. + +"Ez soon ez I take my seet in Congris," resoomed he, "I shel deliver a +speech, wich I writ the day after Lee surrendered, so ez to hev it +ready, in which I shel take the follerin ground, to wit: + +"That the South hev buried the hatchit, and hev diskivered that they +love the old Yoonion above eny thing on earth. But, + +"The North must meet us half way, or we wont be answerable for the +consekences. Ez a basis for a settlement, I shell insist on the follerin +condishens: + +"The Federal debt must be repoodiated, principal and interest, or ef +paid, the Southern war debt must be paid likewise--ez a peece offerin. +The doctrine uv State Rites must be made the soopreme law uv the land, +that the South may withdraw whenever they feel theirselves dissatisfied +with Massachusetts. Uv coarse this is a olive branch. + +"Jefferson Davis must be to-wunst set at liberty and Sumner hung, ez +proof that the North is really consilliatory. On this pint I am +inflexible, and on the others immovable." + +An old man who hed bin listnin to our talk, murmured that there wuz a +parallel to this last proposishen. + +"Where?" demanded the Genral. + +"The Jews, I remember," replied he, "demanded that Barrabas be released +unto them, who wuz a thief, I believe, and the Savior be crucified, but +I forgit jist how it wuz." + +The Genral withered him with a litenin glance, and resoomed: + +"I shel, uv course, offer the North suthin in the way uv compensation, +for the troo theory uv a Republikin Government is compermise. On our +part we pledge ourselves to kum back, and give the North the benefit uv +our kumin back, so long ez Massachusetts condux herself akkordin to our +ijees uv what is rite. But ef this ekitable adjustment is rejected, all +I hev to say then is, I shell resign, and the Government may sink +without wun effort from me to save it." + +I wuz about to give in my experience, when the old man, who wuz sittin +near us, broke in agin: + +"My name," sed he, "is Maginnis, and I live in Alabama. I want to say a +word to the gentleman from Karliny, and to the wun from Noo Gersey." + +"How," retorted I, "do yoo know I'm from Noo Gersey, not hevin spoken a +word in yoor hearin?" + +"By a instink I hev. Whenever I see a Sutherner layin it down heavy to a +indivijouel whose phisynogamy is uv sich a cast that upon beholdin it +yoo instinktively feel to see that yoor pocket-handkercher is safe, a +face that wood be dangerous if it had courage into it, I alluz know the +latter to be a Northern copperhead. The Noo Gersey part I guessed at, +becoz, my friend, that State furnished the lowest order uv copperheads +of any uv em. Pardon me ef I flatter yoo. But what I wanted to say wus, +that I spose suthen hez happened doorin the past 4 years. I was a +original secessionist. Sum years ago I hed a hundred niggers, and wuz +doin well with em. But, unforchunitly, my brother died, and left me ez +much more land, but no niggers. I wanted niggers enuff to work that +land, and spozed ef cut off from the North, and the slave-trade wuz +reopened, I cood git em cheaper. Hentz I seceshed. Sich men ez Genral +McStinger told me the North woodent fight or I woodent hev, secesht, but +I did it. I went out for wool and cum back shorn. I seceshed with 100 +niggers to git 200, and alas! I find myself back into the old +government, with nary a nigger. + +"But all this is no excoose for talkin bald noncents. Yoo old ass," sed +he, addressin Genral McStinger, "yoo talk uv wat yoo will do, and what +yoo wont. Hevent you diskivered that yoo are whipped? Hevent you found +out that yoo are subjoogated? Are yoo back into the Yoonyun uv your own +free will and akkord? Hevent yoo got a pardon in yoor pockit, which +dockyment is all that saves yoor neck from stretchin hemp? Why do yoo +talk uv wat South karliny will and wont do? Good Lord! I recollect about +a year since South karliny would _never_ permit her soil 2 be pollutid +by Yankee hirelins, yit Sherman marched all over it with a few uv em, +and skarcly a gun was fired at em. So too I recollect that that sed +State, wich wuz agoin to whip the entire North, and wich wood, ef +overpowered, submit gracefully and with dignity to annihilation, and +sich, wuz the first to, git down on her marrow bones, and beg for peace +like a dorg. Ef yoo intend this talk for the purpose uv skarin the +North, beleeve me when I say that the North aint so easy skared ez it +wuz. Ef its intendid for home consumption, consider me the people. Ive +heard it before, and I'll take no more uv it until my stumick settles. +It makes me puke. The fact is we are whipped, and hev got to do the best +we kin. We are a goin to pay the Federal debt, and aint goin to pay the +confederet debt. Davis will be hung, and serve him rite. States rites is +dead, and slavery is abolished, and with it shivelry; and its my opinion +the South is a d----d sight better off without either of em. I kin +sware, now, after livin outside uv the shadder uv the flag 4 yeres, that +I love it! You bet I do. I carry a small one in my coat pocket. I hev a +middlin sized one waved by my youngest boy over the family when at +prayers, and a whalin big one wavin over my house all the time. I hev +diskivered that its a good thing to live under, and when sich cusses as +yoo talk uv what yoo will and wont do under it, I bile. Go home, yoo +cusses, go home! Yoo, South, and pullin orf your coat, go to work, +thankin God that Johnson's merciful enuff to let yoo go home at all +insted uv hangin yoo up like a dorg, for tryin to bust a Guverment too +good for yoo. Yoo, North, thankful that the men uv sense uv the North +hed the manhood to prevent us from rooinin ourselves by makin sich ez +yoo our niggers. Avaunt!" + +And the excited Mr. Maginnis, who is evidently subjoogated, strode out +uv our presence. His intemperit talk cast a chill over our confidencis, +and we dident resoom with the ease and freedom we commenced with, and in +a few minutes we parted. I didn't like him. + + PETROLEUM V. NASBY, + Lait Paster uv the Church uv the Noo Dispensashun. + + + + +III. + +A Remarkable Dream.--A Country settled exclusively by Democrats. + + + WASHINGTON, December 1, 1865. + +Last nite I was the victim uv another dream. Ef I don't quit this +explorin the realms of the fucher in my sleep, I shall become a second +Saint John. Ef so, I maik no doubt my revelations will be uv a +remarkably startlin character. + +Methawt the Ablishnists had asserted the power we diskivered they +possest, after the late elecshuns, and had gone the whole figger. They +had forced the South into the humiliashen uv allowin niggers to testify, +and in the Northern states had given em the elective franchise. Uv +course the edecated and refined democrasy wood never consent to be +carried up to the polls alongside uv a nigger--uv course no Democratic +offis-seeker wood hoomiliate himself to treatin a nigger afore a +election, it bein a article uv faith with us never to drink with a +nigger, onless he pays for it. + +Therefore, bein helpless, and resolvin never to submit, the heft uv the +Democrasy determined to emigrate in a body to some land where the +Anglo-Sackson cood rool,--where there was no mixter of the disgustin +African. Mexico wuz the country chosen, and methawt the entire party, in +one solid column, marched there. Our departure was a ovation. The peeple +on our route wuz all dressed in white, ez a token uv joy, and from every +house hung banners, with inscriptions onto em, sich ez,-- + +"Now is our hen-roosts safe!" + +"Canada on its way to Mexico!" + +"Poor Mexico--we bewail thy fate!" + +Our march resembled very much that uv the childern uv Isrel. Our noses +wuz the pillers uv fire by nite, and our breath the piller uv smoke by +day. + +On our arrival to Mexico, the natives of that country, struck probably +with awe at the majestic and flamin expression uv our countenances, +hastily gathered up their linen, and silver spoons, and hosses, and +sich, and retreated to the mountains. It wuz a kompliment to us that +them ez hadn't ennything remained. + +Finally we reached a plain, where we, the modern childern uv Isrel, +decided to remane, and, uv course, the fust thing to do wuz to form a +guvernment. + +Methawt Fernandy Wood, uv New York, wuz chosen viva voce, ez President, +and he stept forerd to hev the oath administered to him, wich wuz 2 be +dun by the oldest Justis uv the Peece uv the late stait uv Noo Gersey, +wich hez committed sooicide. Here a new trouble ensood--there wuzn't a +bible to be found in the whole encampment. The difficulty wuz got over +by a New York Alderman yellin out, "Never mind the oath. What's the +yoose uv any oath _he_ takes?" So he wuz declared President. + +Prest. Wood then proceeded to organize. He requested sich ez hed held +commissions in the army uv the Yoonited States to step forerd three +paces. Gens. Micklelan, Buel, Fitsjohn Porter, & Slocum stept forerd, +and with em some 4,000, a part uv whom hed held quartermasters' +commissions, and whose accounts, + + "Jest afore the battle, mother," + +didn't balance, but wich alluz did jist after, and others who hed bin +dismist for bein in the rear, when their sooperiors desired to see em in +the front, and who consekently considered it a d----d Ablishun war, wich +they didn't approve uv no how. + +Then hevin ascertained the material for officerin his army, he axed all +them who bed bin in the service as privates to step forerd. 20,000 +obeyed, and the President asked the fust one where he enlisted, who +ansered ez follows:-- + + "At Noo York, April 12, 1864, bounty $1,000; + and at Philadelphia, April 14, 1864, bounty $700; + and at Pittsburgh, April 16, 1864, bounty $800; + and at Cincernati, April 19, 1864, bounty $400; + and at--" + +"Enough," said Fernandy, and glancin down the line, and seein all the +faces were uv the same style and expression, he asked no more uv em any +questions. + +Remarkin that it wuz well enough to establish a church, he desired all +who were ministers uv the Gospel to step forerd. 21 stept out and +desired to explain. They cood not say that they were just now in full +connexion with any church. They hed bin, but their unconstooshnel +Ablishin Synods and conferences hed accoosed em uv irregularities in +hoss tradin, and various other irregularities, and suspended em, and +silenced em and sich, becoz they were Democrats, but-- + +The President shrugged his sholders, and asked all who cood read to step +out. About one-half answered, and then he requestid sich uv this number +ez cood be prevaled upon to accept a small office, and who bleeved +theirselves fit, to step out agin, and to my unutterable horror and +consternation, every one but five stepped out ez brisk ez so many bees. +Immejitly there wuz an uproar. Them ez coodent read swore vociferously +that there wuz nothin fair about _that_ arrangement. They never knowd +that a man wuz obliged to be able to read to hold office in the +Democratic party, and they'd never stand that, and they all stepped out. + +Finally it wuz decided that a election should be held at some fucher +time. + +The next step wuz to divide em up into employments. The President +requested them ez preferred to foller mekanikle employments to step out: +Sum thirty advanced. Them ez preferred farmin: About fifty stept out. +Them ez expected to run small groceries: + +There wuz a sound like the rush uv many waters. Ninety-eight per cent, +uv all--ceptin the officers and preachers--sprung to the front, but when +they saw ther strength, their faces turned white. "Good Lord!" whispered +they; "we can't make a livin out uv the remainin two per cent. and the +officers and preachers!" + +The mass then demanded a division uv the property, that all mite start +alike, but upon takin a inventory, it wuz found not wuth while to bother +about a division. + +Then they commenced murmurin, and sed wun to another, "Oh for the flesh +pots uv the Egypt we left!" "I cood, at hum, live off my Ablishn +nabers." "There wuz rich men in our ward, but ez we hed the majority, +_they_ paid taxes, which _we_ spent!" "Ablishnists is pizen, but it is +well enough to hev enough uv em to tax!" and ez wun man, they resolved +to return, and the confusion that resulted from the breakin up awoke me. + +There is onquestionably a moral in the vision. Ez often ez I hev syed +for perpetual Democratic majorities, I hev sumtimes, when our party wuz +successful, and bid fair to be so permanently, wondered what we would do +with the Treasury ef we didn't lose the offices occasionally, so ez to +hev the other party nurse it into pickin condition for us. + +I don't think I shood like to live in a unanimous Dimocratic community. + + PETROLEUM V. NASBY, + Lait Paster uv the Church uv the Noo Dispensashun. + + + + +IV. + +A Change of Base--Kentucky.--A Sermon which was interrupted by a +Subjugated and Subdued Confederate. + + + CONFEDRIT x ROADS + (wich is in the Stait uv Kentucky), + December 9, 1865. + +Here in the grate Stait uv Kentucky, the last hope uv Democrisy, I hev +pitched my tent, and here I propose to lay these old bones when Deth, +who has a mortgage onto all uv us, shall see fit to 4close. I didn't +like to leave Washinton. I luv it for its memories. Here stands the +Capitol where the President makes his appintments; there is the Post +Offis Department, where all the Postmasters is appinted. Here it was +that Jaxon rooled. I hed a respex for Jaxon. I can't say I luved him, +for he never yoosed us rite. He hated the Whigs ez bad ez we did, but +after we beat em and elevated him to the Presidency, the stealins didn't +come in ez fast ez we expected. Never shel I forgit the compliment he +paid me. Jest after his election I presented myself afore him with my +papers, an applicant for a place. He read em, and scanned me with a +critic's eye. + +"Can't yoo make yoose uv sich a man ez me?" sez I, inquirinly. + +"Certinly," sez he; "I kin and alluz hev. Its sich ez yoo I use to beet +the whigs with, and I am continyooally astonished to see how much work I +accomplish with sich dirty tools. My dear sir," sed he, pintin to the +door, "when I realize how many sich cusses ez yoo there is, and how +cheap they kin be bought up, I really tremble for the Republic." + +I didn't get the office I wantid. + +Yet ez much ez I love Washinton, I wuz forced to leave it. I mite hev +stayed there, but the trooth is, the planks uv that city and the +pavements are harder, and worse to sleep on, than those uv any other +city in the Yoonited Staits. I hed lived two months by passin myself off +ez Dimekratic Congressmen, but that cood only last a short time, there +not bein many uv that persuasion here to personate. I had gone the +rounds uv the House ez often ez it wuz safe, and one nite commenced on +the Senit. Goin into Willard's, I called for a go uv gin, wich the +gentlemanly and urbane bar keeper sot afore me, and I drank. "Put it +down with the rest uv mine," sez I, with a impressive wave uv the hand. + +"Yoor name?" sez he. + +Assoomin a intellectual look, I retorted, "Do you know Charles Sumner?" + +[Illustration: DO YOU KNOW CHARLES SUMNER?] + +Here I overdid it; here vaultin ambition o'er-leaped herself. Hed I sed +"Saulsbury," it mite have ansered, but to give Sumner's name for a drink +uv gin wuz a peece uv lunacy for wich I kan't account. I wuz +ignominiously kicked into the street. Drinks obtained at the expense uv +bein kicked is cheep, but I don't want em on them terms; my pride +revolted, and so I emigrated. The gentlemanly and urbane conductors uv +the Pennsylvania Central passed me over their road. They did it with the +assistance uv two gentlemanly and urbane brakesmen, wich dropped me +tenderly across the track, out uv the hind eend uv the last car. + +I found here a church buildin, uv wich the congregation had bin mostly +killed in bushwhackin expeditions, and announsin myself ez a +constooshnel preacher from Noo Gersey, succeeded in drawin together a +highly respectable awjience last Sunday. + +Takin for a text the passage, "The wagis uv sin is death," I opened out +ez follows:-- + +"Wat is sin? Sin, my beloved hearers, is any deviashen from yer normal +condishen. Yoor beloved pastor hez a stumick and a head, wich is in +close sympathy with each other, so much so, indeed, that the principal +biznis uv the head is to fill the stumick, and mighty close work its +been for many years, yoo bet. Let yoor beloved pastor drink, uv a nite, +a quart or two more than his yoosual allowance, more than his stumick +absolootely demands, and his head swells with indignashen. The excess is +sin, and the ache is the penalty. + +"The wagis uv sin is death! Punishment and sin is ez unseperable ez the +shadder is from the man--one is ez shoor to foller the other ez the +assessor is to kum around--ez nite is to foller day. The Dimekratic +party, uv wich I am a ornament, hez experienced the trooth uv this text. +When Douglas switched off, he sinned, and ez a consekence, Linkin wuz +elected, and the Sceptre departed from Israel. When--" + +At this pint in the discourse, a old man in the back part uv the house +ariz and interrupted me. He sed he hed a word to say on that subjick +which must be sed, and ef I interrupted him till he got through he'd +punch my hed; whereupon I let him go on. + +"Trooly," sez he, "the wages of sin is deth. I hev alluz bin a Dimecrat. +The old Dimocracy hez bin in the service uv sin for thirty years, and +the assortment uv death it hez received for wages is trooly surprisin. +Never did a party commence better. Jaxon wus a honist man, who knew that +righteousnis wuz the nashun's best holt. But he died, and a host uv +tuppenny politicians, with his great name for capital, jumped into his +old clothes, an undertook to run the party. Ef the Dimocracy coold hev +elected a honist man every fourth or fifth term, they mite hev ground +along for a longer period, but alars! Jaxon wuz the last of that style +we hed, and so many dishonist cusses wuz then in the Capital that his +ghost coodent watch the half uv them. + +"The fust installment uv deth we reseeved wuz when Harrison beet us. The +old pollytishens in our party didn't mind it, for, sez they, 'The +Treasurey woodent hev bin wuth mutch to us ennyhow after the suckin it +has experienced for 12 years; it needs 4 years uv rest.' We elected +Poke, and here it wuz that Sin got a complete hold uv us. Anshent +compacts made with the devil wuz alluz ritten in blud. We made a +contract with Calhoonism, and that wuz ritten in blud wich wuz shed in +Mexico. Here we sold ourselves out, boots and britches, to the cotton +Democricy, and don't our history ever sence prove the trooth uv the +text, 'The wages uv sin is deth?' O, my frends! in wat hevy +installments, and how regularly, hez these wages bin pade us. + +"Our men uv character commenst leavin us. Silas Write kicked out, and +wood hev gone over agin us hed he not fortunately died too soon, and +skores uv uthers followed soot. Things went on until Peerse wuz elected. +The Devil (wich is cotton), whom we wuz servin, brot Kansas into the +ring, and wat a skatterin ensood. + +"Agin, the men uv character got out, and gradually but shoorly the work +uv deth went on. Bookannon wuz elected, but wuz uv no yoose to us. After +Peerse hed run the machine four yeers, wat wuz there left? Eko ansers. +Anuther siftin follered, and the old party wich wunst boasted a Jaxon +hed got down to a Vallandigum. The Devil, to wich we hed sold ourselves, +wood not let us off with this, however. 'The wages uv sin is deth,' and +we hed not reseeved full pay ez yet. He instigated South Karliny to +rebel; he indoosed the other Democratic States to foller; he forced the +Northern Democrisy to support em, and so on. That wuz the final stroke. +Dickinson, and Cass, and Dix, and Todd, and Logan, all left us, and wun +by wun the galaxy uv Northern stars disappeared from the Democratic +firmament, leaving Noo Gersey alone, and last fall, my brethrin, she sot +in gloom. + +"Oh, how true it is! We served sin faithfully, and where are we? We went +to war for slavery, and slavery is dead. We fit for a confederacy, and +the confederacy is dead. We fit for States Rites, and States Rites is +dead. And Democracy tied herself to all these corpses, and they hev +stunk her to death. + +"Kentucky went heavy into the sin biznis, and whar is Kentucky? We sent +our men to the confedrit army, and none uv em cum back, ceptin the +skulkers, who comprised all uv that class wich we wood hev bin glad to +hev killed. Linkin wantid to hev us free our niggers, and be compensatid +for em. We held on to the sin uv niggers, and now they are taken from us +with nary a compensate. In short, whatever uv good the Devil promised us +in pollytix hez resulted in evil. My niggers is gone, my plantashen here +hez fed alternately both armies, ez they cavorted backerds and forrerds +through the Stait, my house and barns wuz burnt, and all I hev to show +for my property is Confedrit munny, which is a very dead article uv +death. I know not what the venerable old sucker in the pulpit wuz a goin +to say, but ef he kin look over this section uv the heritage, and cant +preach a elokent sermon on that text, he aint much on the preach. I'm +dun." + +Uv coarse, after a ebulition of this kind, I cooldn't go on. I dismist +the awdience with a benedickshun, hopin to get em together when sich +prejudiced men aint present. + + PETROLEUM V. NASBY, + Lait Paster uv the Church uv the Noo Dispensashun. + + + + +V. + +The Effect the Proclamation of Secretary Seward produced in Kentucky. + + + CONFEDRIT x ROADS + (wich is in the Stait uv Kentucky), + December 20, 1865. + +At last! The deed is dun! The tiranikle government which hez sway at +Washington hez finelly extinguished the last glimerin flicker uv +Liberty, by abolishin slavery! The sun didn't go down in gloom that +nite--the stars didn't fade in2 a sickly yeller, at wich obstinacy uv +nachur I wuz considably astonished. + +I got the news at the Post Offis (near wich I am at present stayin, at +the house uv a venerable old planter, who accepts my improvin +conversation and a occasional promise, wich is cheap, ez equivalent for +board). Sadly I wendid my way to his peaceful home, dreadin to fling +over that house the pall uv despair. After supper I broke to em ez +gently ez I cood the intelligence that three-fourths uv the States hed +ratified the constooshnel amendment--that Seward had ishood his +proclamation, and that all the Niggers wuz free! + +Never did I see sich sorrer depicted on human countenance--never wuz +there despair uv sich depth. All nite long the bereaved inmates uv that +wunst happy but now distracted home wept and waled in agony wich wuz +perfectly heart rendin. + +"Wo is me," sobbed the old man, wringin his hands. + +"John Brown's karkis hangs a danglin in the air, but his sole is marchin +on. + +"It took posseshun of Seward, and thro his ugly mouth it spoke the words +'the nigger is free,' and there is no more a slave in all the land. + +"Wunst I hed a hundred niggers, and the men were fat and healthy, and +the wenches wuz strong, and sum uv em wuz fair to look upon. + +"They worked in my house, and my fields, from the rising uv the sun to +the goin down uv the same. + +"Wuz they lazy? I catted them till they wuz cured thereof; for lo! they +wuz ez a child under my care. + +"Did they run away? From Kentucky they run North, and lo! the Locofoco +Marshals caught them for me, and brought them back, and delivered them +into my hand, without cost, sayin, lo! here is thy nigger--do with him +ez thou wilt (wich I alluz did), wich is cheeper than keepin dogs, and +jest as good. + +"Solomon wuz wise, for he hed uv konkebines a suffishensy, but we wuz +wiser in our day than him. + +"For he hed to feed his children, and it kost him shekels uv gold and +shekels uv silver, and much corn and oil. + +"We hed our konkebines with ez great a muchness ez Solomon, but we sold +their children for silver, and gold, and red-dog paper." + +And all nite long the bereaved old patriarch, who hed alluz bin a father +to his servants (and a grandfather to menny uv em) poured out his +lamentations. + +In the mornin the niggers wuz called up, and ez they all hed their koats +on, and hed bundles, I spect they must hev heard the news. The old +gentleman explained the situation to em. + +"Yoo will," sed he, "stay in yoor happy homes--you will alluz continue +to live here, and work here, ez yoo hev alluz dun!" + +The niggers all in korious, with a remarkable unanimity, remarkt that ef +they hed ever bin introdoost to theirselves, they thought they woodent. +In fact, they hed congregated at that time for the purpose uv startin +life on their own hook. + +[Illustration: EFFECT OF THE EMANCIPATION PROCLAMATION IN KENTUCKY.] + +A paroxysm uv pain and anguish shot over the old man's face. Nearest to +him stood a octoroon, who, hed she not bin tainted with the accurst +blood uv Ham, wood hev bin considered beautiful. Fallin on her neck, the +old patriarch, with teers a streamin down his furrowd cheeks, +ejackilated,-- + +"Farewell, Looizer, my daughter, farewell! I loved yoor mother ez never +man loved nigger. She wuz the solace uv my leisure hours--the companion +uv my yooth. She I sold to pay orf a mortgage on the place--she and yoor +older sisters. Farewell! I hed hoped to hev sold yoo this winter (for +yoo are still young), and bought out Jinkins; but wo is me! Curses on +the tirent who thus severs all the tender ties uv nachur. Oh! it is hard +for father to part with child, even when the market's high; but, Oh God! +to part thus--" + +And the old gentleman, in a excess uv greef, swoonded away genteely. + +His son Tom hed bin caressin her two little children, who wuz a half +whiter than she wuz. Unable to restrain hisself, he fell on her neck, +and bemoaned his fate with tetchin pathos. + +"Farewell, farewell, mother uv my children! Farewell faro, and hosses, +and shampane--a long farewell! Your increase wuz my perquisites, and I +sold em to supply my needs. Hed you died, I cood hev bin resigned; for +when dead you ain't wuth a copper; but to see yoo torn away livin, & +wuth $2,000 in enny market--it's too much, it's too much!" + +And he fainted, fallin across the old man. + +"Who'll do the work about the house?" shreekt the old lady, faintin and +fallin across Tom. + +"Who'll dress us, and wash us, and wait on us?" shreekt the three +daughters, swoonding away, and fallin across the old woman. + +My first impulse wuz to faint away myself, and fall across the three +daughters; but I restraned myself, and wuz contented with strikin a +attitood and organizin a tablo. Hustlin the niggers away with a burnin +cuss for their ingratitood, I spent the balance uv the forenoon in +bringin on em too. Wun by wun they became conshus; but they wuz not +theirselves. Their minds wuz evidently shattered; they wuz carryin a +heavy heart in their buzzums. + +Wood, Oh! wood that Seward cood hev seen that groop! Sich misery does +Ablishinism bring in its trane--sich horrers follers a departure from +Dimikratic teechins. When will reason return to the people? Eko answers, +When? + + PETROLEUM V. NASBY, + Lait Paster uv the Church uv the Noo Dispensashun. + + + + +VI. + +A Conversation with a Loyal Kentuckian, who had Faith in the final +Triumph of Democracy. + + + CONFEDRIT x ROADS + (wich is in the Stait uv Kentucky), + January 6, 1866. + +I see a lite. Democricy is not that dead karkis its enemies hoped for +and its friends feared. My noomerious friends here insisted that ez I +wuz growin into the seer and yaller leaf, I shood abandon Dimocrisy, and +flote with the current. I cant. Ez troo ez the needle to the pole, so am +I to Dimocrisy. Young wimmin flock to marryins, middle-aged ones to +bornins, and old ones to buryins, which shows concloosively to the most +limited intelleck wat the mind uv each class runs upon. So it is with +me. To me Dimocrisy is wife, mother, and child. + +I hev diskivered many things sense I hev bin in Kentucky--things wich +elevated my deprest heart ez yeast does dough, wich filled my shrunken +soul ez wind does a bladder. + +The people uv Kentucky wuz all loyal. Doorin the horrible fratrisidle +war wich hez rent the proud temple uv liberty into twain, they preserved +a strict nootrality. I hed a conversation with wun old patriarch, who +asshoored me that he hed never taken sides. + +Upon his honor, he asshoored me that, after battles, he rifled the +corpses uv both armies, impartially. "Cood any boddy be more nootraller +than that?" he asked. "My sons," sed he, "wuz in the confedrit army. +This fact wood hev turned the affections uv a week-minded man in that +direction; but when I thot uv the boys, I alluz thot also uv that +gellorious star-spangled banner, under wich I hed whipped my niggers and +sold their children; under whose shadder I hed men servants, and made +servants, and home-made servants born unto me. That banner hed bin my +shield. Ef my niggers run off, who so prompt in their pursoot ez the +Democratic marshals, wich alluz returned em to me ef it wuz possible? +The instooshun wuz guaranteed to me by solemn compermises, wich we cood +hev ez often ez we desired. Compermises wuz our best holt. Whenever we +wanted anything, all we hed to do wuz to ask for it. The Ablishinists +wood object, the Dimocrisy wood draw up a compermise, wich inklooded, ez +a rool, twice or 3 times wat we asked, and pass it to save the Union. +Sich a Union wuz worth havin, and I opposed all efforts to dissolute it. +Hed the South succeeded, I shood hev gone with em; for Kentucky +alone--the only nigger State in the North--wood hev bin helpless. +Scaldin tears hev I shed when contemplatin the horrors uv war; but I +cood do nothin to avert it. Kentucky wuz loyal, but nootral." + +I find down here that the loyal citizens uv Kentucky who hev returned +from the confedrit service are not at all discouraged; on the contrary, +they are hopeful. Sed one to me (I bleeve he wuz a Kernel under Gen. +Forest; indeed, I think he told me he participated in the glorious +victory at Fort Piller),-- + +"Why art thou cast down? Things is workin eggsackly to our hand." + +In a mournful tone, I retorted that I failed to perseeve it. + +"I kin," sez he. "Lookye, my venerable friend. Is the Northern Dimocrisy +still troo?" + +"They is," I replied, "wat few remains. But, alas! war, crool war, hez +decimated our ranks five times." + +"How so?" sez he. "None uv your kind uv Democrats jined in this unholy +croosade, and fell afore our deth-deelin swords--did they?" + +"Not any," sez I; "but Kanady and Montana took em afore each draft. That +wuz why we wuz so beet at the eleckshuns. For one week-kneed Ablishinist +we scared into our ranks, we lost two by emigration; and, unfortunitly, +wun half that emigrated starved to deth, and tother half is distribbited +in the various States prisons in them lands uv refuge." + +"Still," sez he, "it matters not. Yoo hev deestricks yoo kin carry in +most uv the States. The Five Points deestrick, in Noo York, is ours. Noo +Gersey will go back to her allegiance. The new gold States, where so +menny uv our friends fled, will send up Democrats to Congress. Ohio hez +2 devoted to us, Pennsylvany hez several, and the most uv the Northern +States will send one or two; and them from the North kin be depended on +to go any measure we say. Then"--and he slapped me on the back +highlariously--"the niggers is free!" + +"Well?" sez I, not seem wat cause for highlarity that wuz. + +"Well," sez he, "them niggers is not now OTHER PERSONS! We alluz counted +five uv em for three in making up the Congressers we wuz entitled to; +now they count as white men, wich increases our delegashuns to sich an +extent that ef yoo Northern men do half yoor dooty, we'll hev a majority +in Congress. Then, good Lord! the pleasant crack uv the whip shel agin +be heard on the plains uv the sunny South. The niggers wont be +re-enslaved; but our Legislaters will speedily redoose em to their +normal condishun. We shell observe the Constitushnel Amendment strickly +and in good faith. The Afrikin shel be free; but the good uv society +demands that he shel be under proper guardianship. He wont be allowed to +change his location; and the laws uv the States will define his dooties, +and give us the power uv enforcin em. He wont be allowed to hev arms, so +he can't resist. Ez he can't leave a plantation, he will hev to submit +quietly to sich rools ez the high-minded planter makes for him, or be +shot on the spot, or turned out to die uv starvashun, akording to +circumstances. Ef the planter is a unrejenerated child uv damnashun, he +will shoot him; ef he is a saint, who hez a southern hope uv a blessed +immortality beyond the grave, he'll restrane his anger, and turn him out +to die uv hunger, onless he repents, and comes back humble. Then, they +bein free and responsible for theirselves, we ain't obleeged to take +care uv the sick, the aged, or the infirm, so it will be really better +than it wuz before. I see a gellorious future afore us. Thro the thick +clouds uv gloom the brite sun uv hope cheerinly breaks. Say to the +Northern Dimocrisy, be uv good cheer. Agin they shel lick our hands; +agin they shel eat the crumbs that fall from the National table. + +"Thank God for the Northern Dimocrisy, with the other blessins He has +given the South. With niggers to do our manual labor for nothing, with +Northern Democrats to do our votin at almost the same price, we are +trooly a favored people. Bless the Lord for the nigger and the Democrat, +wich is both useful to us, each in his speer!" + +I drew encouragement from his remarks. The deep vane uv pious +thankfulness wich run through his discourse was nateral to him. He is a +trooly pious man, and wuz just back frum the meetin uv the Synod uv one +uv the Southern churches, wich still persists in quotin Onesimus and +Hayger. I feel encouraged. O, Dimmycrats uv the North, let us + + "Our vigger renoo, + And our journey pursoo," + +and I feel shoor that success will at last crown our efforts. + + PETROLEUM V. NASBY, + Lait Paster uv the Church uv the Noo Dispensashun. + + + + +VII. + +A Vision.--Celebration of the Anniversary of the Taking of New +Orleans.--In the Vision the Spirit of Andrew Jackson appears, and +discourses of Various Things. + + + CONFEDRIT x ROADS + (wich is in the Stait uv Kentucky), + January 12, 1866. + +We had sort uv a celebrashun uv the 8th day uv Janooary at the Corners +last nite. My meetin house wuz gorgeously decorated for the occashun; +the walls bein hung with confedrit battle flags, and on the corners of +the pulpit wuz placed two skulls uv Yankees, picked up at Andersonville +by one of the guards, who is now a loyal citizen uv this State, residin +at this pint. These skulls wuz illuminated by placin a taller candle +inside uv each uv em. The effect wuz inspirin. The guard who contributed +em, is, I need not say, a conservative Democrat, and in the matter uv +swearing at Ablishnists he displays more talent, and hez a more +comprehensive range uv oaths, than any man I ever knowed. The church wuz +also decorated with mottoes, furnished by myself and others, uv wich the +followin is some uv em:-- + +"The Yoonyun ez it wuz--under Bookanan." + +"The noble dead uv Kentucky--them ez fell pintin their guns north we'll +alluz remember." + +"Our returned soljers--beaten, but not conkered." + +"Niggers and northern Dimocrisey--we've lost the first; thank God, the +latter is ours forever." + +I hevn't time nor space to give, in full, the perceedins uv the evenin. +Suffice it to say, at 12, precisely, the company broke up, and sich uv +em ez were able, departed. I remained. There wuz suthin in the +refreshments wich indoost me to stay; in fact, I coodn't conveniently +get out from under the table, where I hed fallen. + +While peacefully sleepin the sleep uv innosence, my unfettered sole went +orf on a explorin expedishen into the land uv dreams, and I dreamed. + +Methawt that we wuz celebratin the anniversary uv the battle uv Noo +Orleans, on a heavier skale than the wun just closed. We hed, at our +festive board, all the grate lites uv Dimocrisy. There wuz Fernandy Wood +and his brother Ben, and Dan Voorhes, and the grate Valandigum and Frank +Peerce, and Bookanon hed consented to emerge from his saint-like +retirement, and meet with us. The South wuz represented by sich noble +Dimocrats ez Yancy, and Toombs, and Wigfall; in short, it wuz a +reyoonyun uv old-time Dimocrats, met not only to honor the memry uv +Jackson, but to consult ez to the best method uv savin the yoonyun from +the rox uv Abolishun onto wich it seems now to be driftin. + +The gileless Bookanon wuz President uv the evenin, and Breckinridge Vice +President, and toasts wuz drank ez follows:-- + +"The ancient Dimocrisy--troo to the country, ez long ez there is an +office to be filled." + +Response by Fernandy Wood. + +"The President uv the evenin--the last Dimocratic President uv the +Yoonited States." + +Mr Bookanan rose to respond, but he wuz overkum, and sank back, his eyes +suffoozed with tears. In a voice broken with emoshun, he intimated that +he wuz in daily expectation uv bein translated, ez Elijer wuz, in a +barouche with two white hosses. "White," he repeated; "for ef the team +is black, I won't go; I'll die the nateral way fust." "My frends," sed +he, "keep my mantle out uv the hands uv the Jews. Wher is the Elisha +who'll wear it?" + +"The yoonun ez it wuz, the constooshun ez it is, and the nigger where he +ought to be." + +Response by Breckinridge, who sed he hed bin four years fightin the +battles uv the Dimocrisy, whose prinsiples wuz happily set forth in the +sentiment. Beeten in the field, we must fight it out at the ballot-box. +_Nil despritrando_ must be the motto uv the Dimocrisy. + +"Androo Jaxon, the--" + +As thus much uv the toast wuz read, there wuz a clap uv thunder heard, +wich shook the buildin, and made not only the windows rattle, but the +glasses to dance on the table, and the gost uv Androo Jaxson hisself, in +the uniform uv 1812, come down through the ceelin. There wuz a frown on +his countenance, terrible to behold. Turnin to the company, he remarked +that the gate-keeper uv hell must hev slept at his post, for out uv no +other Depository cood there be gathered so many villianous countenances. +"I perpose," sed he, "to respond to this sentiment myself." The Woods +slid out uv their seets, under the table; Breckinridge sneaked out uv +the church; Vallandigham, with his natural impudence, tried to face it +out, but one look from Androo J. finished him, and he slid, and +Bookannon tried to git out, but Androo caught him by the collar, and +held him. + +"I hev suthin to say to yoo. The chair yoo wunst disgraced, I okkepied, +called to it, ez yoo wuz, by the voice uv the peeple. I swore to +preserve the constitooshen and the yoonyun, and so did yoo. I did it, +and yoo didn't. When South Carliny undertook to nullify, I bustid the +arrangement, becoz I didn't propose to hev the yoonyun I fought for in +two wars go down to death, when a particle uv pluck, put in at the right +time, cood save it. Yoo mite hev dun the same, but yoo woodent. Yoo took +the seat for the purpose of bustin it; for one term of the Presidency +yoo agreed to destroy the Government. + +"What are yoo here for?" shouted the gost in a terribly sepulkral tone, +and a stampin his feet and grittin his teeth. "To celebrate the battle +uv Noo Orleans? Yoo stole the livery uv Jaxon to serve Calhoon in. Under +the shadder uv my name, yoor dooing deeds wich, ef I wuz in the flesh, +I'd hang yoo for. How I wished, in '60 and '61, I cood revisit the +earth. I'd hev histed yoo out uv the seat yoo disgraced, and never hev +let Linkin hed the credit uv puttin down a rebellion. It wood hev bin +lively for some uv yoo. I'd hev ornamented the trees with your karkises; +the Southern buzzards wood hev grown fat on secesh korpses. + +"Go back, yoo idiots--go back to your first love. Get the wool out uv +your teeth, and try to think more uv your country than yoo do uv a +yaller girl. Yoo kin yit repent. A. Johnson, whose initials is the same +ez mine, runs over with mercy, or he wood hev hung the half uv yoo. +Repent and be saved. There is a slite chance for yoo yit. The dyin theef +wuz pardoned on the cross, wich ought to be encouragin to yoo, for yoo +hev longer time left in wich to repent, and the Lord knows yoo need it. +But ef yoo will go on in yer iniquity, do it on yoor own hook. Don't +take my name in vain no more. I hevn't nothin in common with yoo, nor +never had. Yoo yoosed to follow me, the same ez a drove uv jackals alluz +follers a lion, to devour the hides, and bones, and offal that he +despises. The lion hez gone hentz, and yoor takin his skin, and are +trying to imitate his roar. The skin hangs loose upon yoo, and the roar +is a miserable squeak. Never let me hear of yoor celebratin any more uv +my doins. I go." + +And in another clap of thunder, the gost ascendid through the roof agin. + +I awoke. A cold sweat wuz a standin on my intellectooal brow, and a +mortal shiverin shook me. I wuz alone in the church, under the table +where I originally fell, and around me wuz skattered, in confusion, the +remnant uv the feast. I thot to myself, ef sich wuz the effect uv a +dream uv the gost Jaxon, wat wood ensoo ef he shood be raised from the +dead, and visit the Dimocrisy in the flesh. Then wood my prayer be +continooally, "Good Lord, deliver us." + + PETROLEUM V. NASBY, + Lait Paster uv the Church uv the Noo Dispensashun. + + + + +VIII. + +A Plan suggested for the Up-building of the Democracy.--The Idea not +New, but one which the Leaders of the Fierce Democracy have acted upon +from the Beginning. + + + CONFEDRIT x ROADS + (wich is in the Stait uv Kentucky), + January 27, 1866. + +Halleloogy! halleloogy! halleloogy! I see a lite! It beams onto me! It +penetrates me! It fills me! Goy to the world! + +I hev diskivered the cause uv the decline uv the Dimocrisy. I seed it +yisterday. I wuz a wanderin on the neighborin hills, a musin onto the +cussednis uv humanity ez exemplified in the person uv the grocery keeper +at the Corners, who unanimusly refoozed to give me further credit for +corn whisky, wich is the article they yoose in this country to pizen +theirselves with. He asshoored me that he hed the utmost regard for my +many virtues; but he diskivered that the one he prized the most I hedn't +so many uv, to wit, that uv payin for my likker. Therefore the account +mite be considered closed. Then, for the fust time in my life, I bleeved +in total depravity. + +While musin, in a melonkoly mood, on this dark cloud wich fell across my +pathway, and the fall uv the Dimocratic party, I came onto a party of +men borin for ile. Then the trooth flashed over me. Their operations +showed me the way to success--the shoor path to triumph. + +"When," said I to myself, "when men seek gain they bore for it. They go +down--never up." Even so with the Dimocrisy. We dug downward, downward, +downward, through all the strata uv society. We went through the +groceries; the next stratum was the most ignorant uv the furiners; then +we struck the poor whites uv the South; then, below them, the heft uv +the people uv Noo Gersy; then Southern Illinoy and Indiana; then Pike +county, Missouri; and so on. We never went upward for converts, cause +'twant no use. When a man wanted to jine us he alluz hed to come down. +We got lots of converts. + +There was a regular slidin scale, which the heft uv Democrats who wuznt +born in the party hev slid down; to wit:-- + +Quarter dollar smiles. + +15 cent nips. + +10 cent drinks. + +5 cent sucks. + +A flat flask conceeled. + +A bottle openly. + +Dimocrisy. + +We lost our hold for two reasons. First, the poor likker we hev now +kills off our voters too fast; and the tax on whiskey forced two thirds +uv our people to quit suckin, and ez soon ez they begun to git on their +feet they jined the Ablishnists. Secondly, our leaders spozed there wuz +no lower stratum to dig into, and give up in disgust. + +But I hev deskivered that lower stratum--I hev found it; and when the +idea flashed over my Websterian intelleck, I shouted Halleloogy! The +nigger is the lower stratum; and ef we bore down to it, and work it +thoroughly, we hev, at least, a twenty years' lease uv power. + +We must cultivate the nigger. HE MUST HEV THE SUFFRAGE! It is a burnin +shame, that, in this Nineteenth Sentry, in the full blaze uv +intelligence, livin under a Deklarashun which declares all men "free and +ekal," that a large body uv men shood be denied the glorius privilege uv +bein taken up to the poles and voted. Is not the Afrikin a man? Is he +not taxed ez we are, and more than most uv the Democrisy, for many uv em +own property? Is he not amenable to all the laws, even ez we is? Then +why, I triumphantly ask, is he not entitled to a vote? Ah! why, indeed? + +"But this is Ablishnism!" methinks I hear a obtoose Dimocrisy observe in +horrer. "And why give them votes who will use em agin us?" + +My gentle friend, _will_ they use their ballot agin us? Ef I know +myself, I think not. Kin they read? Kin they write? Aint the bulk uv em +rather degraded and low than otherwise? Methinks. Aint that the kind uv +stock we want, and the kind wich hez alluz set us up? Readin hez alluz +bin agin us. Every skool master is a engine uv Ablishnism; every +noosepaper is a cuss. General Wise, uv Virginia, when he thanked God +there wuzn't a noosepaper in his deestrick, hed reason to; for do yoo +spoze a readin constitooency wood hev ever kept sich a blatherskite ez +him in Congress year after year? + +Then, agin, the Constooshnal Amendment will pass, givin representashen +to voters alone. The Democratic States will hev more members uv Congress +and more electoral votes than afore the war; and them States we kin +depend on. + +But my skeem is still more comprehensive. Them niggers ain't needed in +the South. We'll send em North. A few thousand will overbalance the +Ablishun majority in Noo Gersey; fifty thousand will bring Ohio back to +the fold; the same number will do for New York and Pennsylvany, and the +country is saved--we will be able to elect the President. Thus the pit +the Ablishnist dug for us he'll fall into hisself; the club he cut for +us will break his own head. + +Honey hez kum out uv the carcass; good hez perceded from Nazareth. The +nigger smells sweeter to me now than Nite bloomin Serious; he is more +precious to me than gold, or silver, or preshus stones. He is the way, +and I shel walk in it. He shel lift me into a Post orifis. We must give +our Afrikin brother,--for is he not a man and a brother?--not only the +suffrage, but he must hev land, and the Democracy must give it to him. I +want Garrit Davis to instantly interdoose a bill into the Senit givin +each family a quarter section uv land, a pair uv mules, and a cook +stove; and each female Afrikin brother two flarin calico dresses and a +red bonnet. I want him to advocate the bill in a speech uv not more than +two hours, so that it will stand some chance uv passin. On second +thought, I guess some other man hed better interdoose the bill, as the +Sennit hez got into sich a habit uv votin down everything he proposes, +that they'd slather this without considerin it, on jineral principles. + +Then we've got em. Work ez hard ez they may at it, it'll take twenty +years afore the Ablishinists kin edjukate em up to the standard uv votin +their tikkit; and even that time won't do it if we kin git the tax taken +off uv whiskey, so that we kin afford to use it ez in the happy days uv +yore. + +Goyusly I went home to lay the foundashun uv the new temple uv +Dimocrisy. I slept that nite atween two niggers, and hev bin shakin +hands and enquirin after the health uv the families uv all I hev met. +Its rather hard for an orthodox Democrat. Sich sudden shifts is rather +wrenchin on the conshence. But what uv that? The Dimocrat who hez +follered the party closely for thirty years ought not to balk at sich a +triflin change ez this, pertiklerly when it promises sich glorious +results. + + "There's a lite about to gleem, + There's a fount about to streem, + Wait a little longer!" + + PETROLEUM V. NASBY, + Lait Paster uv the Church uv the Noo Dispensashun. + + + + +IX. + +Enjoys a Vision of the Next World, seeing therein many Curious Things, +which are published as a Warning to Politicians. + + + CONFEDRIT x ROADS + (wich is in the Stait uv Kentucky), + February 5, 1886. + +Last nite I retired to my virtoous couch, at precisely half past eleven, +after eatin a rather light supper for that time uv night. I alluz make +it a pint to eat light in the evenin, for I'm gittin old, and my +digestive faculties ain't what they was when I wuz young. Alas! we who +hev lived out the best part uv our days, wat wood we give to be set back +to the time when, with our faculties unimpaired, we cood consoom a good +square meal without fear uv consekenses! But + + "Them happy days is fled, + And never will return." + +[Illustration: NASBY'S DREAM OF THE FUTURE OF DEMOCRACY.] + +I paid my respecks to 2 mince pies, a pair uv pig's feet, some cold +tongue, and a plate uv tripe, follered by a half dozen dough nuts and a +couple or more uv glasses uv hot whisky punch; and singler ez it may +seem, it didn't set well. I dreamed all night, and my dreams wuznt at +all pleasant. Methawt I hed deceest, and wuz in the next world. It was a +singler site that met my vision. The dividin line atween this world and +the next wuz a swift stream uv water, and every deceest spirit hed to +cross it. The water wuz suthin like that uv the Dead Sea. A man, +unencumbered with anything, cood walk on it, but they sunk down in it if +they wuz loaded, accordin to what they hed to carry. On the tother side +uv this Jordan wuz heaven; the dominions uv his majesty Satan the 1st +wuz below, and to it a strong under current flowed, which took all them +ez wuz too heavy loaded to keep their chins above water. + +On the bank stood more than two millions uv little devils, who flung +onto the shoulders uv them tryin to cross their failins, and weaknesses, +and iniquities. + +General Breckinridge wuz the first that I saw enter the flood. He hed on +a life preserver, labelled "States Rights," but a peert little devil +stuck a pin into it, and it collapsed, the gas with wich it wuz filled +smellin horribly. Down he went, and ez he sunk, they commenced peltin +him with packages labelled "Treason," "Perjury," and "Murder," and John +C. went under. + +Old James Buckanon went next. The old gentleman didn't keep above water +as long ez a able bodied man could hold a bar uv red hot iron in his +hand. He made one splash, when a weight labelled "Treason" struck him, +and down he went. The gentlemanly and urbane devil who had him in charge +had a big pile more uv ammunition to discharge at him, but that one wuz +sufficient. + +Vallandigham come next. I wuz surprised to see no one make a motion at +him, but he sunk all the same. "We never waste effort," sed Satan to me; +"he carries enough natural cussedness about him, all the time, to sink +him, without pilin any devilment on his shoulders wich is ten days old." + +Frank Peerce made his appearance, but declined to enter. He wuz +immediately seezed, and on each leg wuz tied a weight labelled "Kansas," +and they flung him in. He went down like a shot, and that's the last I +seed uv him. + +Garret Davis went in, and to my surprise, passed over safely. Nothin wuz +flung at him, for wich I asked the reason. + +"Why," sed Satan, "the poor old man isn't accountable. He commenced to +talk many years ago, and keeps on talkin because he really don't know +when to stop. I could hev sunk him, but the fact is, I woodent endoor +what the Senit uv the Yoonited States hez hed to, for the past few +years, for a dozen uv Tombs lawyers. Besides this, I'm gettin more from +Kentucky now than I am really entitled to. I've a mortgage on two-thirds +uv that State." + +Fernandy and Ben Wood come up rather bold, and entered the flood ez +though they were sure uv goin through all right. With a inimitable +chuckle, Satan motioned away the inexperienced devils, and sed, "Leave +em to me," and at Ben he hurled a package uv the New York News, wich +swashed him down instanter. Jest ez Fernandy wuz beginnin to reach the +other shore, he flung onto him an assortment uv weights, labelled +"Lotteries" and "Riots," which took him down to the arm pits, and +finished by tumblin onto him a mass, onto wich wuz written "Mayoralty," +and down he went; at wich His Majesty drew a sigh uv relief. + +Seein the style uv the men who sunk, I remarked unto him,-- + +"This war hez bin a rather profitable thing for you." + +"Nothin to speek uv," sed he. "The leaders uv the Southerners were, sum +uv em, honest, and got through on that account, and the rank and file +were ignorant wretches, who ain't accountable, no how. The leading +copperheads uv the North were mine, anyhow, from the beginnin. Any man +who cood sympathize with the rebels in sich a struggle, must, yoo will +acknowledge, hev hed a long career uv iniquity to fit em for sich a sin. +Why," sed he, "do yoo think I use all the shot I hev? Not any. Them +yoove seen piled on were used because, bein the last, they were on the +top uv the pile. + +"Any quantity uv yoor party escaped me. Them fellows who are yet votin +for Jackson I'll never git, and the most uv them ez alluz votes +unscratched tickets will dodge me. Their innocence protects em. It takes +a modritly smart man to be vishus enuff to come to me; he hez to hev +sense enuff to distinguish between good and evil, cussednis enuff to +deliberately choose the latter, and brains enuff to do suthin startlin +in that line. Dan Voorhees, uv Injeany, hez all these qualities +developed to a degree wich excites my profound respect. Between him and +Fernandy Wood its nip and tuck. Fernandy did wicked things with more +neatnis than Voohees, but for a actual love uv doin em Voohees beets the +world. I sed," continued he, "that the war wuzn't uv much yoose to me. I +repeat it; it wuz a damage. Afore the war, I hed my own way, pretty +much, in the Southern States. For every octoroon, I cood count on at +least two planters, and under the patriarkle system uv Afrikin slavery +(wich, by the way, wuz one uv my most brilliant consepshuns), octooroons +multiplied with a rapidity pleasin to behold. But now, alas! the +octooroon bizness is done, and my best holt is gone. I hev some little +hope, however. The Dimocrisy are displayin a vigger I didn't think they +possest. Ef they kin only git strength enuff to elect the next President +and re-establish slavery! The thought fills me with unutterable joy. The +redoosin of the nigger to bondage agin wood give me a clean title to +evry last one who helped to do it, and in gittin em back into their +normal condishun (by the way, that's another phrase uv mine), ther'd be +enuff slaughterin and murders to satisfy several sich Satans ez I am. +I'd help em ef I knowd how, but I can't improve on either their speekers +or writers, and ez long ez men will do my work gratis, I don't see the +yoose uv interferin." + +At this pint a couple uv small imps undertook to push me into the +stream, and in the struggle, I awoke. My dreem wuz o'er, but the +impreshun remained. "Kin it be," mused I, pensively, "that we are doin +the devil's work, and are we to be finally rewarded in the manner I saw +in my vision? Ef so, hedn't I better quit and repent?" + +But I thought agin, that however it mite be for younger men, it wood be +uv no yoose for me. I hed voted the strait ticket for thirty years, and +the ten or twelve years I hed to live wuz too short a time in which to +repent successfully uv sich iniquity. So I sank into sleep agin, this +time dreemin that I had turned Fenian--hed elected myself Hed Center for +the Stait uv Kentucky, and wuz just investin $75,000 in a magnificent +plantashun. + + PETROLEUM V. NASBY, + Lait Paster uv the Church uv the Noo Dispensashun. + + + + +X. + +SONNIT + +Onto a Soldier, wich wuz wunst a Dimekrat, but is now a howlin +Ablishnist, wich I saw a limpin about on one Leg, hevin left the other +at Anteetam. + + + Bloo-koted monster! thou wentest forth + Armed with thy rifle and sharp-pinted bayonet, + Whose peeked eend with Southern blood is wet: + I hate thee, tool and minyun uv the North! + Thou wast a Dimekrat: them kote and pants, + The wavin flag, the gun with peeked eend, + Turned yoo into a Abolishn feend, + Who sucked the blood uv Dimekratic saints. + Monster unnachral! by niggerism hatched, + Thousands and more uv Dimokrats yoo've slain, + Who'll never rally to the poles again + To vote, ez wunst they did, a tikkit all unskratched. + Avant! the work yoo did our party is undoin: + To us yoor kote uv bloo is jest bloo rooin! + + + + +XI. + +The Situation.--The Attempt of the President to wheedle Democrats into +Supporting his Policy without giving them the Offices commented +upon.--The Democracy warned. + + + CONFEDRIT x ROADS + (wich is in the Stait uv Kentucky), + February 15, 1866. + +I hev had hopes uv Androo Johnson. My waitin sole hez bin centred onto +him for a year back. He wuz the Moses wich I spected wood lead the +Democrisy out uv the desolate Egypt into which we hev bin making bricks +without straw for five long weary and dreary years. O, how I hev yearned +for Johnson! O, how I hev waited, day after day, and week after week, +and month after month, for some manifestation uv Dimocrisy wich is +satisfactory--suthin tangible--suthin that I cood take hold on. + +Faith is the substance uv things hoped for, and the evidence of things +not seen; wich is all right so fur ez religion ez concerned, but uv no +account in politix. A friend uv mine, who wuz a monomaniack on the +subjick uv faith, undertook to live on it, under the insane belief that +ef a man had faith pork wuz unnecessary. Wuz the experiment a success? +Not any. When he commenst the trial he weighed 200; in a week he wuz +down to 125; and in fourteen days he slep in the valley! + +I hev bin livin on faith for a year or more, and I too am thin. My bones +show; light shines through me; I am faint and sick. Oh, for suthin that +I can see and feel--suthin solid! + +Our Dimocratic noosepapers are supportin Androo Johnson. They claim that +his polisy is our polisy; that he is ourn, and we are hizn. They are +singin hosanners to him. At his every act they exclaim Halleloogy! in +chorus. What is it all about? In what partikeler hez Androo Johnson +showed hisself to be a Dimokrat? In the name uv Dimocrisy let me ask, +"WHERE IS THE OFFICES?" Who's got em? What is the politikle convickshuns +uv the wretch who is post master at the Corners, and who only last nite +refused, in the most heartless manner, to trust me for postage stamps? +Who is the Collectors, the Assessors, et settry? Are they constitooshnel +Dimokrats? Is Stanton, and Seward, and Welles histed out uv the cabinet, +and Vallandigum, and Brite, and Wood apinted in their places? Not onct. +Every post master, every collector, every assessor, every officer, is a +ablishinist, dyed deeply and in fast colors. + +Faith without works is a weak institution; its like a whisky punch with +the whisky omitted, wich is a disgustin mixter uv warm water and sugar. +What is it to me (who hev bin ready to accept any position uv wich the +salary wuz sufficient to maintain a individooal uv simple habits) who is +beheaded, so ez I don't get a place? Androo Johnson may cut off offishl +heads ez dexterously and proofoosely ez he chooses; but my sole refuses +to thrill when I know that Ablishnists, though uv a different stripe, +will be apinted. So long ez Dimocrats are kept out, what care I who hez +the places? Paul may plant and Apollus water; but uv what account is the +plantin and waterin to me ef I don't get the increase? I take no delight +in sich spectacles. Ef Androo Johnson proposes to be a Dimockrat,--ef he +desires the honest, hearty support of the party,--let him seel his faith +with works. + +I visited Washington with the express purpose uv seein the second +Jackson. I am a frank man, and I laid the matter afore him without +hesitation. I told him that the Postmaster at the Corners wuz opposin +his policy and aboosin him continually; that it wuz a outrage that men +holdin place under the Administration should not sustain the +Administration. In the name uv Right, I demanded a change. + +I sposed that to wunst the position would be offered to me; and after +protestin a sufficient time that I did not wish it, and would prefer the +apintment of some more worthy man, I should accept it, and go home +provided for three years. Imagine my deep, my unutterable disgust, when +he told me that he wood investigate the matter, and probably wood make a +change, PROVIDED HE COULD FIND, IN THE VICINITY, SOME ORIGINAL UNION MAN +WHO WOULD ACCEPT THE PLACE! + +Then the iron entered my soul. Then I felt that in him we had no lot nor +part. + +Our principles are uv a very comprehensive nature. We are willin to +endorse Androo Johnson, or any other man. We will endorse his theories +uv Reconstruction, or any man's theories. We are elastic, like Injy +rubber. The boy who set a hen on a hundred eggs acknowledged to his +maternal parent that she could not kiver em; but he remarked he wanted +to see the old thing spred herself. We have that spreadin capacity. We +kin accommodate the prejudices uv the people uv all the various +localities. In Connecticut we are singin John Brown's body lies a +mouldrin in the grave, in a modritly loud tone, and supporting a +Ablishnist who voted for doin away with slavery in the District of +Columby and for the Constooshnel Amendment. In Kentucky we are hangin +men uv the John Brown style, and mobbin all uv the persuasion uv the +Connecticut nominee. Sich a variety uv principle,--a party uv sich +adaptability,--kin hev but one great central idee, on wich there is no +diversity uv opinion, and to which all other ideas is subordinate. That +idea is POST OFFICE! and ef Androo Johnson could be got rite on that +question, we'd care not wat else he required uv us. + +We hev our arms around Androo. We are huggin him to our buzzums; but he +hez left his baggage to hum. That baggage is wat we want; and we shel +fling him off shortly, onless he changes his policy in this respeck. He +kin hev us on easy terms; but he must furnish the ammunishun with which +to fight his battles. Will he do it? That's the question a hundred +thousand hungry soles, who hanker even ez I do, are daily askin. + + PETROLEUM V. NASBY, + Lait Paster uv the Church uv the Noo Dispensashun. + + + + +XII. + +The President's 22d of February Speech.--The Account thereof of One +behind the Scenes.--Hopes and Fears of the Democracy. + + + WASHINGTON, February 23, 1866. + +I don't know; but there is a still small voice within me wich whispers, +"All is well!" The delusive phantom, Hope, may be playin false with me. +The wish may be paternal parient to the thought, and I may be indulgin +in a dream from wich I shel be, to-morrer, roodly awakened; but it's my +opinion that the day-star uv glory hez arozen onto the Dimocracy; that +our night uv gloom is over; and that, at larst, the Government, or at +least the only part we care about,--the offisis,--is ourn. I heerd +Androo Johnson speak last nite! I stood beside him! I helpt hold him up! +I SMELT HIS BREATH. It's all rite! + +I hed hopes when he vetoed that large and varied assortment uv Ablishn +abominashens,--the Freedmen's Burow bill,--notwithstandin there were +pints in his message I coodent sanction. The veto wuz heavenly, but his +reasons were unsound. When he expressed hisself ez bein determined upon +sekoorin the niggers in their rites, I felt fearful that there wuz a +honist diffrence uv opinion atween him and Congress wich mite be +settled, and then what wood become uv us? Ef the niggers is to hev +rites, in the name uv Heaven, I asked myself, what difference does it +make to us whether they hev em by Charles Sumner's system (on whose head +rest cusses!), or A. Johnson's? And ez is customary when men ask +theirselves questions, I got no answer. Men never ask theirselves +questions wich kin be answered. + +But last nite my doubts wuz removed. Little Sam Cox, and Dan Voorhees, +and the Woods, and Tom Florence, and Coyle, and me, hed bin with Androo +all day. The Ablishnists avoided him after the veto; and knowin he'd +done suthin he wuzn't quite shoor wuz wise, he needed bracin up, and we +wuz ready to brace him. Isn't it singler that men, when they go to the +devil, alluz go in squads? Cox hed him cornered all day, a readin to him +extrax from Forney's Press, and choice selections from Sumner's +speeches; and Voorhees and the others wuz a intimatin to him that only +in the buzzum uv the Dimocrisy cood he find that conjeniality uv sperit +so nessary to him; and by the time the serenade wuz ready, he wuz ez +full uv venom ez wuz possible, and his capassity in that line is +immense. + +The company all went with him onto the stand, and my eyes saw the first +cheerin vision wich they hev beheld for years. Before us stood ten +thousand or more Dimocrats. There wuz the veteran from Lee's army in his +soot uv gray, which hed, by continyood contact with the pavements uv +Washington--wich, not hevin bin slept on much, sense Bookannon's time, +they don't sweep--hed become somewhat uv the color uv the clay. There +wuz the offiser who surrendered with Johnston, and them noble sons uv +Baltimore, and Rawly, and Charleston, who, though they didn't serve +their section in the field, were ardent in their support uv the cause. +There were the old-style Dimocrats uv the North, whose faith in +Johnson's Dimocrisy, based upon the scene wich took place at the +inauguration, wuz greater than mine, hed come on with their applications +for Post Offises, and who jined so heartily in the cheers wich went up +for J. Davis: and there, addressin this crowd, wuz a President--the man +who had the appintin power in his hands--who cood make and unmake Post +Offisis. + +It did me good, and yet I doubtid. Wood he go through with it? Wood he +lock horns with Wade and Sumner, and dare the wrath uv Thad Stevens? +Wood he? He wavered and shrunk back ez he saw the style uv the awdience +before him; for he hed bin, for four years, accustomed to better dressed +people. But Cox and Florence wuz ekal to the emergency. Samyooel +whispered into his one ear, "Whitewash!" and Florence into tother, +"Charles the I.!" and flamin up like a conflagratid oil well, he waded +it. Then I felt that it wuz all right. Then my soul expanded; and ez he +went on, pilin Billinsgate upon Billinsgate, usin Tennessee stump slang, +improved by a liberal mixter uv the more desprit variety he hed picked +up in Washinton and Baltimore, I felt that it wuz indeed well with us. +He wuz talkin ez a Dimokrat to Dimokrats; and it wuz appreciated. +Strippin off all uv the disguise he hed bin a wearin for four +years,--washin off, in rage and whisky, the varnish and putty with wich +he hed shined up his dullness, and filled up the cracks and cavities +wich hed alluz troubled him,--he stood forth ez we knowd him--Androo +Johnson! How he did froth and foam! How he did lash his late associates! +and how those Dimokrats who kum to Washinton with petitions for places +in their pockets did wink at each other, and poke each other in the +ribs, with exultation and jockelarity wich they cood not conceal! And +how the Ablishnists, wich hung onto the outskirts uv the crowd, in the +hope that he wood declare himself in sich a way ez to give em some hope, +did walk away sorrowfully and sore, ez tho they felt that they hed a new +trouble afore em! And how the soljers uv Lee, and the quartermasters +wich hed made Richmond their headquarters doorin the war, did cheer and +sling their hats into the air, and in the uncontrollable enthoosiasm uv +the moment invariably snatch better ones from the heads uv the Northern +men in the crowd! It wuz gorgus. + +While His Eggslency's course gives me hope, I don't want it to be +understood that I am prepared to fully and entirely indorse him. I don't +go much on men who do things in a state uv madnis; neither do I invest +heavy in that Dimokrat wich requires an extra load uv likker to make him +act and talk like a Dimokrat. Androo Johnson was and is a Dimokrat--a +ginooine Dimokrat. The accident uv his learnin to read, in his yooth, +gave him a preeminence over us in Tennessee, and put him through the +various places he hez filled. His affinities wuz with us; his style wuz +our style, and his habits our habits; and he hed no biznis to ever git +out uv the fold. I cannot forgit that he went back on us at a critikle +time in the histry uv the party. He saw that the effort the Dimocrisy uv +the South wuz makin to regain their rites wood be a failyoor; the +aristocracy uv the South hed snubbed him, and refoozed to recognize him; +but all this shood not hev affected him. It's the normal condishn uv the +lower grade uv Dimokrats to be snubbed; and they hev no rite to inquire +whether anything the aristocracy uv the party propose is goin to be a +failyoor or not. It's their dooty to obey orders without questionin. + +Wat spiled Johnson wuz Massachoosits. He pretended to be loyal, and +Massachoosits patted him on the back. They took him into good society. +They let him associate with Sumner and sich, and the man became +infatooated. He got to drinkin high priced drinks, and wearin clean +shirts, and begun to ape the manners uv those into whose sphere he hed +bin thrown, There wuz these two opposin forces contendin within +him--nateral proclivities and acquired tastes--wich may be represented +by whiskey out uv a jug, and mint jooleps at Willard's. Massychoosits +wuz a pullin him up, and North Carolina wuz equally vigorously pullin +him down. He wantid to stay with Massychoosits, but he wuz uncomfortable +all the time; and finally nacher asserted her supremacy, and he broke +over, and like the water long confined in a dam, when its bustid its +obstructions, and goes, it goes with a loosenis, and tears up, and takes +a very large quantity uv dirt and drift wood with it. + +Before I tie myself to A.J., I want to know fer certin what he proposes +to do. WHO IS TO HEV THE POST OFFISIS? Is Ablishnists to still retain +the places uv trust and profit? Does he propose to organize a new party, +made up uv sich Republikins ez he can indoose to foller him and the +Dimocrisy? Ef so, I ain't in. Decidedly, I ain't in. Emphatically, count +me out. For the reason, that he kin git jist enuff Republikins, +percisely, and no more, to fill the offisis, and they will be uv sich a +character ez will do the Dimokrisy no credit. I won't be tail to no +kite. We are willin to play kite; but tail, never! Ef we boost Androo +Johnson, Androo Johnson must boost us. Does he think we kin carry sich a +load ez he is for nothin? Nary. Ef we hev a consoomin desire to git +along without offisis, we are doin very well at that now, we thank you; +and we haven't the responsibility uv the Administration uv a eggstremely +shaky man to carry. Sich loads must be paid for. + +But, after all, I hev hopes. He hez cut hisself loose from Sumner and +Stevens; and in less than a week every Republikin uv modrit +sensibilities will be aboozin uv him to that extent that he won't be +able to git back agin. He's an animal uv the bull kind; and criticism +and opposition is to him the red flag wich the Spanish matadors, I +bleeve they call em, waves afore the animals they wish to infooriate, +and they may drive him into our ranks. + +I wait, and watch, and hope. Ef I kin wunst git a commission, with the +broad seel uv the Postmaster General onto it, confirmin me in the +possession uv the Post orifis at the Corners, I shel bless the day that +Androo Johnson left us, and prokoored his elevation to the Presidency. +May the day be hastened! + + PETROLEUM V. NASBY, + Lait Paster uv the Church uv the Noo Dispensashun. + + + + +XIII. + +Another Warning.--Profuse Expenditure of Powder and Torchlight +Processions deprecated.--The President implored to show his Hand. + + + CONFEDRIT x ROADS + (wich is in the Stait uv Kentucky), + February 29, 1866. + +I notice, all over the North, the Democrisy is a firin guns, and marchin +after brass bands, and hirin halls for endorsin Androo Johnson. Ez a +sentinel on the watch-tower, I protest! + +In the name uv suffrin Kentucky, uv wich State I am a adopted sitizen, I +protest! + +In the name uv common sense and ordnary politikle sagassity, I protest! + +Androo Johnson may possibly be on the high road to Dimocrisy; but, ez +yet, what ashoorence hev we? Am I datin my letters from "Post Orifis, +Confedrit x Roads?" Hez there bin, as yit, any well authenticated case +uv the removal uv a Ablishnist, and the apintment uv a constooshnel +Democrat in his stead? Not that I hev heard of. Per contrary, the +Ablishnists--them ez wuz apinted by Linkin--are still holdin on, ez calm +ez a summer mornin, without any apparent fear uv any change affectin +them. + +Who pays for the Halls? Who pays the music? Who pays the Powder? +Dimocrats who do these scent Post Offises in the distanse. Are they like +the the war hoss in Job's writins, who smelled the battle afar off, and +remarked Ha, Ha! to the trumpets? Let me enticet sich that they kin make +a better investment uv their means. + +The cost uv one meetin, put in korn whisky, wood not only solace +theirselves, but start half a dozen Ablishnists on the road to +Dimocrisy. + +Men is deceptive. I hev hopes uv Androo Johnson myself, and principally +becoz Vallandigum and Fernandy Wood hev hopes. Them buzzards kin smell +carrion a long distance, and they are seldom at fault. In this case, +they may be. They base their hopes on Johnson's speech, at Washington, +on the 22d. There may be suthin in it; but ain't it possible that the +stench wich they took for Dimocrisy, and wich they sposed cum from +Johnson, ariz from them ez surrounded him? + +"But," sez a Dimocrat, whose nose, from long continued lack of supplies, +hez softened down from a generous crimson to a ghastly bloo, and who +woodent hev a small Post orifis at no price, ef it wuznt offered him, +"look at the class he spoke to." + +Wat noncents! Androo wuz mad. There wuz a mass uv bile on hiz politikle +stumick wich must be got rid uv. He had sum nasty things to say, and it +wuz a part uv the eternal fitness uv things that he shood hev a nasty +audience to say em to. + +I don't propose to go orf into spasms over the present sitooashun. +Johnson proposes to continoo the Freedmens' Buro, and hezn't no noshun +of repeelin the test oath, or uv drawin the military out uv the +Dimocratik States. So far as heard from, we uv the South is still in a +stait of abject custitood. Our habis corpuses wich Linkin took away from +us hevn't bin returned, and we are obleeged to git along ez best we kin +without em. I knocked down a small nigger yisterday, for the purpus uv +assertin the sooperiority uv the Cauchashun race over the Afrikin, and +wuz to wunst hauled up afore a Freedmen's Buro, and fined. Our +high-toned and chivalrous members are exclooded from Congris on the +frivolus plea that they wuz kernels and briggydeer Ginerals in the +Confederit servis; and all these outragis agin Dimocrisy Androo Johnson, +by permittin, absolootly approves. + +I could probably swaller all these things. I am a Dimokrat uv thirty +years standin, and, uv course, hev bin on both sides uv every politikle +fence. The seats of my politikle pants is full of slivers. But, before I +take down these things, I WANT TO KNOW WHAT I AM GOIN TO GIT FOR IT. Ef +Androo Johnson goes back on his party and his pledges, he, uv course, +asks us to go back on ourn. In sich transactions, where both parties, by +bein engaged in it at all, confess themselves ruther a low grade of +skoundrels, I think it well enuff to hev the consideration paid down. + +Ef Androo Johnson wants me, he knows the terms. I am his to command, for +a consideration; ez much so ez is the thousands uv Demokrats who hev +bin, for the past week, gittin up Demonstrations. But I want suthin to +go on. When I hev his permisson, under the broad seel uv the Post Orfis +Department, to write "P.M." after my illustrious name, I shell be +prepared to wade in. I hev bin huntin up several reasons for supportin +him. I hev em all ready. I only want this additional one, and then I +fling my banner to the breeze. Faith is sed to be the sun of all +religious systems. POST OFFIS is the central figger in all Democratic +creeds--the theme uv conversation by day, and the staple uv dreems by +night. How long! oh, how long! + + PETROLEUM V. NASBY, + Lait Paster uv the Church uv the Noo Dispensashun. + + + + +XIV. + +Refuses to Support the President, having no Confidence in Him.--Again +warns the Democracy. + + + CONFEDRIT x ROADS + (wich is in the Stait uv Kentucky), + March 12, 1866. + +The politikle sky is orecast with friteful clouds. Darkness is on the +face uv the waters. The waves is a rollin mountin high, the litenin +flashes ominous thro the gloom, and the deep-mouthed thunder mutters +angrily in the distants. Ez a sentinel on the watch-tower, I look out, +and what do I see? I see the old ship uv State loaded down with a +valuable cargo uv Post-offices, Collectorships, and sich, a laborin in +the trough uv the sea, her bowsprit cove in, her top-gallant lanyards +bustid, her jib-boom a flutterin in the gale, her capstan spliced, and +her sheet anker torn to ribbons. (Not hevin bin a sailor, only ez a +driver on the Wabash Kanal, it is possible my nautikle terms may not be +altogether correct. But it makes no difference in the interior uv +Kentucky.) She is strivin to make her harbor, and is workin manfully. +Close behind her is the long, low, rakish skooner Dimocrisy, with all +sale set, a tryin her best to overtake her and board her. For a time it +seemed ez tho she wood be successful, but alas! she is fallin astern, +and every minnit the distance between em is a widenin, widenin, widenin, +and at present writin there ain't the remotest prospect uv their gettin +within hailin distance uv each other. + +To drop mettafor (wich, by the way, I kin jerk when I feel so +disposed), the prospect isn't ez encouragin ez it wuz, and I fear, in +fact I feel certain, that the short cut to offis wich the Democrisy +thought it had found through Androo Johnson's veto, is reely the +longest way round. I cannot understand what indoost the Dimocratic +leaders, our chosin standard-bearers, to make sich egrejus asses uv +theirselves ez to place enny dependence on Johnson at all. What cood +they hev bin thinkin uv? Wuz not our experience in 1864 sufficient to +deter em from makin any experiment wich involved abandonment uv any uv +our principles? Didn't we, in the hope uv ketchin Abolition war votes, +nominate MickLellan, and didn't the war men jeer us, and flout us, and +say, "Behold, we hev better war men uv our own; why shood we leave home +to find that uv wich we hev a plenty?" When Androo Johnson, in a fit uv +temporary indignashun, split on Sumner, why did our people, like +idiots, pick him up, and endorse him without givin the matter matoor +considerashun--without waitin for the fax? Didn't they know that Sumner +wuz a sort uv a dose uv calomel, wich worked on the President's liver, +and necessitated the discharge uv all the offensive matter wich hed +accumulated doorin his long term uv Dimocrisy? Uv course it wuz, and +to-day Androo Johnson, hevin in that speech got rid uv the last +vestidge uv Dimocrisy wich infected him, comes up a stronger man agin +us than ever. We made two errors: On the 4th uv March, 1865, at his +inoggerashun, when he made a spectacle uv hisself, we murmured gently +to ourselves, "It's all right! he's yet wun uv us." And we sed the same +after the splurge uv the 22d uv February last. Oh, my friends, they wuz +both fatal errors. Them spasms wuz the efforts uv a noble nacher a +tryin to git rid uv Locofocoism, and from the fact that he immejitely +after commenst a missellaneously apintin Abilishnists and Republicans +to offises, and hezn't showed a sine uv a disposition to extend his +hand to a single confidin Democrat, it's my opinion he's succeeded. + +We bet too heavy on the fight atween the President and Sumner. Sumner is +ordained to alluz hev a gong uv sum kind, which he is also ordained to +keep perpetually a poundin. He's bin for several years amusin hisself a +poundin the Dimocrisy, and when there wuzn't enuff uv that to make it +interestin, he turned on Johnson, and he'll pound at him till suthin +else excites his wrath. He's a Spanish bull, possessin sharp horns, and +a immense amount uv strength and agility, which he is continooally a +wastin by jumpin at sich red flags ez are mischeevusly waved afore him. +He's jest ez apt to gore his frends ez his enemies, and his lungin at +Johnson wuz no sign that Johnson had gone back on Ablishnism. + +But enuff uv this. Sence it hez become a fixed fact that the boorish +tailor, who now by accident okkepies the place uv the marter Linkin, +made vacant by his untimely death by the hand uv a vile assassin (whose +only redeemin trait wuz that he wuz a stanch, uncompromisin +Dimocrat),--now, I say, that it's plain that this drunken sot ain't +agoin to distribute the patronage amongst us who need it so much, I ask, +in indignashun, wat is it that we are asked to endorse? + +He proposes to continue the Freedmen's Buro bizness. + +He refooses to withdraw the military from the Dimokratic States. + +He refooses to restore to our sufferin brethren uv the Dimocratic States +the habis corpusses wich the tyrant Linkin wrested from them. + +He keeps Jefferson Davis a pinin in a loathsome dungeon, and only +refooses to bring him to trial becoz, 4sooth, he haint yet got things in +the right shape to hang him. + +I cood enumerate other insults and opressions he hez piled upon +Dimocrats, but I forbear. I might, if I wuz disposed to harrow up the +Dimocratic sole and lasserate the Dimocratic bosom, state how I wuz +treated, when, on the 24th uv Febrooary last I made a delegashun uv +myself, and went to Washington for the purpose uv layin before him the +necessity uv the removal uv the postmaster at the Corners, and the +apintment uv myself in his stead. I found that his speech had reached +all other parts uv the Yoonited States ez soon ez it hed Kentucky, for +there wuz suthin over a hundred thousand stanch Dimocrats there, all +with petitions noomerously signed, wich they hed held over from +Bookannon's administration, recommendin uv em to places. How wuz we +reseeved? How did Androo Johnson treet us? I mite say how emphatically I +wuz shoved out uv his room, and with what reckless profanity I heerd him +remark that Washington had stunk with secesh ever since he vetoed the +bill; that that foolish speech had acted on the whole country like a +puke, and that each State had spewed its foulest material onto +Washington, and that the atmosphere wuz heavy with their breath, et +settry, et settry, but I forbear. + +Suffice it to say that the few Democratic members uv Congress had hard +work borrowin money enuff to git the most spectable uv the crowd home +agin, and even then thousands uv em who wuz drawed there by that speech, +shoor uv apintments, wuz obliged to _walk_ home ignominiously, uv whom I +wuz which. + +Androo Johnson may be worthy uv Dimocratic support, but he hez a queer +way uv showin it. I know not wat others may do, but ez for me and my +household I'll run after no strange gods. Ef he wants us, let him call +on us in language wich we kin understand. + + PETROLEUM V. NASBY, + Lait Paster uv the Church uv the Noo Dispensashun. + + + + +XV. + +The Patriarchal System.--An Affecting Appeal in Behalf of a Friend. + + + CONFEDRIT x ROADS + (wich is in the Stait uv Kentucky), + March 19, 1866. + +Yesterday I happened to pick up a kopy uv a friteful depraved Ablishin +paper, and my horror-stricken eyes wuz glued to the follerin passage, +which I read:-- + +"I am happy to state to you that our free negroes are doing finely. We +have no trouble with them. They have all gone to work manfully. They +give an impetus to trade that we never before had. I have sold John +Guttle's negroes, this year and last, more goods than I ever sold +Guttle, and he owned two hundred and fifty slaves. So you see the free +negro system is working well with us." + +Ez I peroozed them lines, tears started involuntarily from my beamin +eyes, and coursed in torrents down my venerable cheeks. I know John +Guttle well, I may say intimately. He wuz a dear friend,--one uv the few +wich I kall friend in the most catholic and comprehensive sense uv the +word. He holds my note fur eighteen dollars and 63 cents; and I hev +sumwhere among my papers, wich I have alluz carefully preserved for +reference, a memorandum uv his address, that I might be shoor not to +forget to send it to him. I give him the note becoz he furnished the +paper, and it made him easy in his mind--I put down the memorandum bekoz +it looked business-like. Benevolence is a prominent trait in my +karacter. When givin my note for borrered money will do a man good, I +never begrudge the trouble uv writin it. + +But wat I wuz a goin to say wuz, that the feendishnis uv that item +passes belief. The writer puts it in print to show that the Ablishn uv +slavry benefitted sumbody. I grant him that the merchant, who +undoubtedly wuz born in Massachusetts, wuz benefitted by the change; so +are the greesy mechanics who are now pollutin the soil uv Alabama; and +so, probably, are the 250 niggers; but, in the name uv Liberty, in the +name uv Justice, in the name uv the Constertooshun uv the Yoonited +States, and the flag uv our Common Country, I ask, HOW ABOUT JOHN +GUTTLE? + +John Guttle is robbed. John Guttle is deprived uv his property. The bred +is taken from John Guttle's mouth; his staff is broken; his dependence +is gone; he is bereft. + +Never shall I forget John Guttle or his hospitable mansion, ez I knowed +it in the happy year afore the crooel war. He wuz a gentleman uv the old +skool--one uv the few left us in these degenerate days. His home wuz wun +uv unalloyed happiness. Situated just back uv Mobeel, he had the finest +plantashun in that section, and hed on it 250 niggers. All shades wuz +represented. There wuz the coal-black Cuffee, whose feechers denoted the +pure Afrikin, and whose awkward manners showed that he wuz not long from +Afrika. There wuz the civilized mulatto, in whose veins the Guttle blood +showed; the quadroon, in whom the good old Guttle blood predominated; +and the octoroon, which wuz mostly Guttle. The Guttleses wuz eminently a +Christian generation. They wuz devoutly pious; and there never wuz one +uv the name who cood not repeat, without the book, all uv the texts +bearin on slavery. The passages in which Onesimus and Hager figger wuz +favorites with em; but on "cussid be Canaan" they wuz strong. For +generations they had mourned over the hard fate uv the sons uv Ham, +doomed to perpetooal bondage becoz uv the sin uv their father; and with +a missionary spirit ekaled by few and excelled by none, they did their +part towards redoosin that cuss, by makin ez many of em ez possible +half-brothers to the more favored race uv Japhet, and thus bringing uv +em out uv the cuss; and they had mellered the color uv their charges +down from the hideous black to a bright yeller. Under the old patriarkle +system, time passed orf smoothly and pleasantly with the Guttle family. +Them 250 niggers wuz obliged, uv course, to work, and their labor wuz +money. John bought each uv the male sons uv Ham too soots uv close per +annum, and each uv the female sons uv Ham one soot. It wuz considered +healthy for the young ones to go naked, which they wuz religiously +allowed to do, ez none uv the Guttles uv that family wood do any thing +agin nater or her laws. The girls hed pianos, and wuz educated at the +North; the boys wuz celebrated for horse racing and their skill at losin +money at faro. They wuz hospitable and generous to a fault. Their house +wuz open house, and their beverages wuz alluz the best. Money wuz no +objick to them; for when they had a severe attack of poker, or faro, or +hoss racin, they hed plenty uv octoroons and quadroons, with the real +Guttle nose, wich brand wuz well known in Noo Orleans, and wood alluz +command the highest possible figger that wuz paid in that market; or, ef +they had no more than they wanted at home uv that style, why, a few +field hands wood be sold, and the remainin ones wood be persuaded by the +overseer to do the work uv the whole. John Guttle's sons wuz all in the +Confederit army. His daughters, willin to sacrifice every thing fur the +cause, heroically pledged theirselves to whip the niggers theirselves +doorin their absence. + +Now all is changed! A shadder hez fallen across that peaceful home. The +nigger quarters is there, but the niggers is not. The broad plantashun +is divided up into small farms, and half uv it is owned by Ablishnists +from the North, who work theirselves, and who hev a meetin house on one +corner uv it, and the niggers a skool house on the tother. The race +track is plowed up and in cotton; the whippin-post and the stocks is +taken down and burned; all, all the evidences uv civilizashun hez faded +afore the ruthless hand of the invader. John Guttle--that generous old +man--subsists by the labor uv his own hands. One uv his sons ekes out a +miserable existence running a dray in Mobeel; another, who is gifted +with no ordinary intelleck, earns a respectable livin playin seven-up; +in a small way, with his former niggers; and the two girls is runnin a +sewing masheen. + +Talk not to me uv benefits. What is a dozen tradesmen and two hundred +and fifty niggers to the gellorious old Dimocratic John Guttle? What is +the interest uv a dozen or so uv Noo England mechanics, and the niggers +aforesaid, when compared to that glorious aristocracy which can never +exist beside em? Kin I go and borrer eighteen dollars and sixty-three +cents uv one uv them? No. Becoz, working for their paltry livins, they +place a higher valyoo on money, and will not spread it around ez +profoosely ez the nobble race which preceded em. + +Another great wrong is done in this settin free uv John Guttle's +niggers. John Guttle hez, uv course, no further interest in the +Dimocratic party. Slavery wuz the umbillikle cord which united the +Southern slaveholder and the Northern Dimocrat; and, that cord cut, why +hez John Guttle any more interest in Dimocracy? We stood ez a Chinese +wall between them and the rushin flood uv Ablishn fanaticism; and we +made the wall biznis pay. They furnished money, and we did the work; +and, there bein but few uv us, the orfisis wuz easily divided. Alas! our +okepashin's gone. The South is forever lost to us; for she has no dirty +work for us to do. + +I appeal to the Yoonited States uv America. In behalf uv John Guttle, I +say, give him back his niggers. In behalf uv the Dimocrisy North who are +out uv employment, give him back his niggers. In behalf uv his son who +is runnin a dray, give him back his niggers. In behalf uv his daughters +runnin a sewin machine, give him back his niggers. Make things Normal +agin. Like John the Baptist, the Government shall hear the voice uv one +howlin in the wilderness until all these is done. + + PETROLEUM V. NASBY, + Lait Paster uv the Church uv the Noo Dispensashun. + + + + +XVI. + +A Dream.--The Corpse of Republicanism.--Who the Mourners were, and how +they felt.--The awakening of the Sleeping Giant, and the Scattering that +followed. + + + CONFEDRIT x ROADS + (wich is in the Stait uv Kentucky), + March 30, 1866. + +I hev bin to Washinton. That Ablishn Postmaster at the Corners hed +become to me a nitemare. Day after day I seed him a handlin guvment +money, drawin his salery promptly, and takin his drinks reglerly, while +I, a Constooshnel Dimekrat, a supporter uv our great and good President, +wuz forced to the humiliashun uv waitin till I wuz treated, ceptin when +a new grocery keeper cum in, which gave me a chance to establish a +credit for a short time. I felt that sumthin must be done, and therefore +I went to Washinton. + +Knowin that for men uv my profound convickshins, holdin my views ez to +consiliashen and sich, I hed no call to go to the Postmaster-General, +who is a Ablishnist, I went dreckly to the Second Jaxon hisself. I +succeeded in gettin a audience late in the afternoon. Our patron saint +wuz a sittin at a table, eggsausted with receevin delegashens and sich. + +"Well," sed he. + +"Honerd and spected sir," said I, "I am a applicant for the post orfis +at Confedrit x Roads, wich is at present held by a Ablishnist who does +not beleeve in yoor policy, wich I do beleeve in solemnly. Spected and +honered sir," sed I, "ef I shood have twins born to me this nite, I +shood name em both Policy." + +"Wich State are yoo from?" sed he, half asleep. + +"From Kentucky, honered and spected sir," sed I. + +"Well," sed he, yawnin feerfully, and turnin to a clerk, "FILL OUT A +PARDON, AND GIVE HIM A COMMISSION!" + +"Honered and spected sir," sed I, in a fit of loonacy for wich I can't +account, "I don't need a pardon. I wuz never in the late lamented +Confedrit servis." + +"What'n thunder, then, are yoo here for, beggin a post offis? Git out, +yoo imposter!" and I wuz too wunst ignominiously showed to the door. I +didn't quite understand the lay uv the land around the White House. + +In vane I tried to git back, that I might convince him I did ez much for +the Confederasy ez my humble abilities permitted, and that I needed +consiliatin ez badly ez anybody. Then, hart broke and dead broke, not +heving the wherewith to prokoor more sootable lodgin, I lay me down on +the cold stun steps, and sought refuge from my troubles in sleep. + +I dreemed a dream. Methawt I wuz in a room in the White House. Stretched +out on one side uv the room wuz the corpse uv a giant, a monster in size +and strength, but withal uv a pleasin presence, and fair to look upon. +Onto its head was a liberty cap, and by its side wuz a sword, +considerably dinted, and with all the gildin knocked off. + +"Wat is these?" sed I, pointin to the corpse, askin a sort uv a +attendant. + +"Them," replied he, "is the defunct carcass uv Republikinism. He was a +hefty yooth in his day, but he died this mornin. Look! the mourners are +a comin to divide his clothes." + +And shoor enuff, they came in. At the head wuz the second Jaxon, which +the Ablishnists derisively call Moses, who appeared to be angry, and +clost behind him wuz Seward, a weepin out uv one eye, and a smilin out +uv tother, and Jim Lane, who hed a handkercher wich he occasionally put +to his eyes, but wich I notist wuz ez dry ez a lime kiln, and Doolittle, +and Lee, and Raymond, and Beauregard, and Cowan, and Stephens, and +Thurlow Weed, and Vallandigham, and Governor Sharkey, and a host uv +others, all uv wich ranged theirselves around the bier. + +"He wuz a promisin yooth," sed Seward, a puttin his handkercher to his +eyes, "but the atmosphere uv the White House wuz too much for him. I +insist, however," sed he, a pocketin the handkercher, and takin hold uv +a trinket the corpse held in his hand, labelled "Presidency, 1868," from +which hung mor'n a million uv smaller trinkets, "that ez 'twas me that +pizened him, this is mine." + +"Nary," sed Johnson; "I did the biziness for him, and it's mine." + +"Settle it ez yoo please," sed Raymond, gently, "but whoever gits it +must remember that this Secretaryship is mine." + +"And I," sed Doolittle, "must hev, for my assistance, this little affair +marked 'St. James,' for my seat in the Senit is a goner." + +"For my part," sed Jim Lane, "the western appointments is mine. Its +worth em all to wear this collar." + +"My friends," sed Stephens, "I find no amnesty about the corpse. There +must be one manufactured and stuck in his pocket, to be prodoost at the +funeral." + +Thurlow Weed sed nothin, but looked on with a sardonic smile, knowin +perfeckly well that whoever took the biggest part uv the plunder, he'd +control it, any way. + +Governor Sharkey laid claim to a secretaryship, and Boregard to the +place uv Sherman, and Lee to Grant's position, and Vallandigham wanted +this, and tother feller that, and there wuz a terrible hubbub over the +corpse. Wilkes Booth's gost came in, and wanted to know what he wuz to +hev in the new deal, "for," sed he, "ef't hadn't bin for me, where'd yoo +all hev bin? Talk uv the White House atmosphere killin him! I'm sure the +shadder uv the buildin blasted what little uv his spirit yoo hed," sed +he, a turnin to Seward, "but ef Linkin hed lived, ha, ha!" sed he, in a +tragedy voise. Then in trooped a lot uv other gosts. There wuz Bill +Allen, uv Ohio, and Washington Hunt, uv Noo York, and Jeems Bookannon, +uv Pennsylvania, and Eli Thayer, and Lew. Campbell, and Garret Davis, +who started to make a speech, but the entire assemblage stuck their +fingers in their ears, wich hint he took for the first time in his life, +and desisted. + +Finally Johnson swore "by the eternal" (he got that noshun from the +first A.J., wich he thinks he resembles, coz his innitials is the same, +and coz the original vetoed a bill wunst) that he wood hev the +Presidency, and gobbled it. Seward, he snatched at it, and they tussled. +The company stood by to see it out, for it made but little difference to +them wich got it. In the skrimage Johnson happened to ram Seward up agin +a window on the north side uv the room, and smashed it out. Jest then a +blast uv north wind poured into the room through the aperture, and +blowed onto the face uv the corpse. The effect was electrikle. Life ran +through his veins, his face flushed, and the livid hue was changed to +the ruddy glow uv health. The dead wuz alive; the giant raised to his +feet, and looked around him, shakin off them ez wuz a hangin to him like +insex. Noticin the trinket wich hed caused the skrimage in Johnson's +hand, he took him by the neck, and twistin it out uv his hand, flung him +gently through the winder. "I ain't made up my mind who to give this to, +but yoo bet it ain't yoo," sed he. + +"Willyum," sed he, turnin to Seward, "I'm surprised at yoo. Wuz this +bauble the price uv yoor honesty and yoor principle? Go, Willyum! Ez for +yoo, Doolittle, yoo never wuz half baked; yoo, Thurlow, put Raymond in +your vest pocket, and quit the presence. Yoo, Jim Lane, I leave to the +tender mercies uv my friends in Kansas. Clear out the balance uv this +rabble, and send for my friends. I've bin pizened, and smothered, and +stunk nigh to death. Clear out the house, and sweep it, and sprinkle +chloride uv lime; and sich, all over it. Shut down them Southern +windows, and open those on the North, East, and West sides. I want a +snuff uv fresh air, for I--" + +At this pint I awoke, and found myself, not in the White House, but on +the steps thereof, cold and shiverin. In my pocket wuz the papers wich +didn't get me the post orifis I wuz seekin, and in my mind wuz chaotic +confusion. Wuz the dream prophetic, or wuz it merely a vagary uv the +mind, wich, wen loosed from its clay, sores off onto its own hook, +without any restraint. Is the giant Republican actually dead, or is he +in a trance? Will it arise, and scatter them ez hez appinted themselves +administrators uv its estate, and wich are beginnin to divide the +assets, or will he stay ded? Wood, oh wood, that I knowed! + + PETROLEUM V. NASBY, + Lait Paster uv the Church uv the Noo Dispensashun. + + + + +XVII. + +A Kentucky Tea Party.--Opinion entertained by Mrs. Deacon Pogram of +Charles Sumner.--Discussion between Mrs. Deacon P. and an Illinois +Store-keeper of the name of Pollock.--Miscegenation. + + + CONFEDRIT x ROADS + (wich is in the Stait uv Kentucky), + April 1, 1866. + +Charles Sumner is not a very popular man in this section uv Kentucky; on +the contrary, quite the reverse. He is known here ez an Ablishnist; ez +one who is a chief supporter uv that hidjus sin--the infidelity, I may +say, for a man may ez well deny the whole Bible ez to cast discredit +upon Onesimus, Hagar, and Ham, onto wich the whole system uv Afrikin +slavery rests--the origenator, therefore, uv the infidle beleef that +Slavery is not uv divine origin, wich, judgin from the experience uv the +last five years, appears to be gainin ground in the North. He is not, +therefore, popular in this region. + +Yisterday I attendid a tea party at Deekin Pogram's, to wich the elite +uv the Corners wuz present, incloodin an Illinoy store-keeper uv the +name uv Pollock, wich hed bin invited because the Deekin hed, some three +months ago, bought a bill uv goods uv him on ninety days' time, and +wantid an extension. + +While at the table enjoyin the + + "Cup wich cheers, but don't intoxicate very much," + +ez Dryden hez it, tho I bleeve, to keep off chills, in this country, +they mix three and a half parts uv whiskey to one uv tea, the name uv +Sumner wuz mentioned. + +Mrs. Pogram to-wunst remarked that she didn't want the name uv that ojus +creecher spoken at her table. + +"Why?" sed I, gratified at the ebulition. + +"I hate him!" sed she, spitefully. + +"So do I," replied I; "but what hev yoo agin him, aside from his +obnoxious political opinions?" + +"Didn't he marry a nigger?" sed Mrs. P., triumphantly. "Didn't he marry +a nigger--a full-blooded nigger? and hezn't he hed nineteen yaller +children, every one uv wich he compelled, agin their will, to marry +full-blooded niggers? Didn't he--" + +"Mrs. P.," sed this Illinoy store-keeper, wich his name it wuz Pollock, +"do yoo object to miscegenation?" + +"Missee--what?" replied she, struck all uv a heap at the word. + +"Miscegenation--amalgamation--marryin whites with niggers." + +"Do I?" retorted she; "ketch a son uv mine marryin a nigger! They are +another race; they'r beasts; and who'd marry em but jist sich men ez +Sumner and them other Ablishnists?" + +"Then permit me to ask," sed this Pollock, wich wuz bound to kick up a +muss, "ef ther's any race uv pure blood in this section uv Kentucky, +wich is yaller?" + +"No! uv course not," sed Mrs. P.; "them yaller people is mulatters--half +nigger, half white." + +"And them ez is quite white--not quite, but nearly so--about the color +uv a new saddle, like Jane, there," sed he, pintin to a octoroon girl uv +18 wich used to belong to the Deekin afore the isshooin uv the infernal +proclamashen, "like Jane, there, wich is waitin on the Deekin, and--but, +good Lord!" sed he, startin up like a tragedian. + +"Wat!" shouted the company, all startin up. + +"Nothin," sed he: "only, now that Jane's face is in range with the +Deekin's, wat a wonderful resemblance! She hez the Pogram nose and +ginral outline uv face; not Mrs. P.'s angularity, but the Deekin all +over. My deer sir," sed he, addressin the Deekin, "ef she wuzn't a +quadroon, I shood say she looks enough like yoo to be yoor daughter, by +a first wife, I shood say, for she hez not, ez I remarked, Mrs. P.'s +angularity and gineral boneinis; but uv course, she bein a part nigger, +the resemblance may be sat down ez-a-very-remarkable-coincidence!" + +The Deekin turned ez white ez a sheet, and Mrs. Pogram turned ez red ez +a biled lobster, from wich I inferred that there wuz trooth in a rumor I +had heerd about the Deekin and his wife hevin a misunderstandin about a +nigger woman and her baby, about 18 years ago, wich resulted in his bein +made bald-headed in less than a minute, and the baby's mother being sold +South. The Illinoy store-keeper, uv the name uv Pollock, resoomed,-- + +"I wuz about askin wat them niggers is ez is nearly white?" + +"Why, they'r octoroons, or seven-eighths white," sed Mrs. Pogram. + +"And no Kentuckian ever marries a nigger?" inquired the store-keeper, +who I saw wuz pursooin his investigations altogether too fur. + +"Never!" sed Mrs. Pogram; "we leave that to Ablishnists." + +"Well, then," sed this Pollock, who, I spect, wuzn't half so innsent ez +he let on, "I see that yoo hev no objection to mixin with the nigger, +providin yoo don't do it legally; that amalgamashen don't hurt nothin, +pervidin yoo temper it with adultery. Is that the idee, Mrs. Pogram?" + +Mrs. P. wuz mad, and made no reply, and Pollock persood the subjick. + +"Jane there, is, I take it, about one-eighth nigger. She got her white +blood from whites, uv course; and ez there coodent be no marryin in the +biznis, there is proof positive in her face that the 8th commandment hez +bin violated about four times somewhere in this vicinity, or wherever +her maternal ancestors, on her mother's side, may hev resided. What do +yoo think about it, Deekin? Ez a Christian, woodent it be better to +marry em than to add a violation uv the commandment to the sin uv +amalgamashen? It wood redoose yoor load jest a half." + +The Deekin wuz too indignant to reply, and ez it involved a pint +altogether too hefty for his limited intelleck, I took it up. + +"My dear sir," I remarked, "yoo don't make the proper distinction, or, +rather, yoo don't appreciate the subjick at all. The nigger here +sustains only one character with us,--that uv a inferior bein, the slave +uv the hawty Caucashen, uv whom we are the noblest specimens; that is, +the Deekin is, he bein a Southerner. I unfortunately wuz born in the +North, and am a hawty Caucashen only by adoption. To marry a nigger wood +be to destroy our idea uv sooperiority, for we marry only our ekals. The +intercourse with em, the results uv wich yoo see indications, bein +outside uv the pale uv matrimony, is not, ez yoo wood suppose, the +result uv unbrideled licentiousnis, but is merely the assertion uv our +superiority. When the lordly Caucashen (uv whom the Deekin is wich) bids +a daughter uv Ham (wich, in the orginal Hebrew, signifies the +hind-quarter uv a hog) come to him, and she doth it not, he breaks her +head, wich inculcates obedience. One is only a slave indeed when he +surrenders all his individyooel rites. The female slave cannot be +considered ez entirely subdooed until she hez yielded to her owner +everything. To marry em wood be to elevate em; the intercourse common +among us is not a sin, it bein merely the assertion uv that superiority +wich we claim is founded on the Holy Scripter. See Onesimus, Hagar, and +Ham." + +"Yes," sed the Deekin, who wuz now on the right track; "it's a assertion +uv our sooperiority; it's a dooty every white man owes to his class, and +I, for one, will alluz--" + +"Let me ketch yoo at it, Gabe Pogram," shouted Mrs. P., "and I'll give +you sich a cat-haulin ez yoo never--drat yoor sooperiority, and yoor +Ham, and yoor Caucashen. Niggers is niggers, and--" + +Noticin that Mrs. Pogram hedn't quite arrived at the proper pitch uv +self-sacrifice, I turned the discussion onto Sumner agin, ez a subjick +upon wich they cood all agree. + +I learned that his father wuz a Dutch grocery-keeper, and his mother an +Irish washer-woman; that he run away from home at the tender age of 8, +after murderin, in cold blood, his grandparents, one uv wich wuz a Jew +and tother a Chinese; that he wuz apprenticed to the shoemakin biznis, +and hed cut the throat uv his boss and his wife, and immersed the +younger children into a biler uv scaldin water, where they were found +mostly dead seven hours afterward; that he acquired wealth a sellin +lottry tickets and brass clocks, et settry. His servants wuz redoost +Southern gentlemen wich he hed swindled into his debt, and wich, under +the laws uv Massychoosits, coodent git away, and that his intimate +friends and associates wuz niggers, with wich he sot long at the festive +board, and drunk champane; that Lucresha Mott wuz his sister, Anna +Dickinson his daughter, Fred Douglas his half-brother, and that he +kissed, habitually, every nigger child he met, and frowned so severially +onto white children ez to throw em into spasms, and other items uv +information uv wich, livin in the North, I wuz ignorant. Ez I remarked, +he isn't popular down here, and, cood hardly be elected to Congris from +this Deestrick. The tea party broke up shortly after, Pollock winkin at +me villainously ez he left the house, feelin good to think how he hed +opened a old sore. That Pollock needs watchin. + + PETROLEUM V. NASBY, + Lait Paster uv the Church uv the Noo Dispensashun. + + + + +XVIII. + +A Cry of Exultation.--A Gleam of Light. + + + CONFEDRIT x ROADS + (wich is in the Stait uv Kentucky), + April 2, 1866. + +Kin it be? Is it troo, or is it not troo? Is Androo Johnson all my fancy +painted him, or is he still a heaven-defying persekooter uv the +Democratic Saints? That's wat I and some thousands uv waitin souls wood +go suthin handsome to know. + +I confess I never quite lost faith in Androo. + +Pro-slavery Democracy sticks to a man ez does the odor uv the gentle +skunk to clothes, and it is got rid uv only by the same means, to-wit, +buryin the victim thereof. + +Androo started out to be a Moses, and he is one; but I think he's +changed his Israelites. I onst saw a woman skinnin live eels, and I +reproached her, saying,-- + +"Woman, why skinnest thou eels alive? Doth it not pain em?" + +"Nary!" retorted she. "I've skinned em this way for going on to 20 +years, and they're used to it." + +Even so. The negroes hev bin in bondage so long that they're used to it, +and Androo feelin a call to continue in the Moses biznes, hez, I hope, +turned his attention to the Dimocrisy. It's us he's a-goin to lead up +out uv the Egypt uv wretchedness we've bin in for neerly five years; +it's US that's a-goin to quit brick making without straw, and go up into +the Canaan wich is runnin with the milk and honey uv public patronage. +We shel hev sum fites: there's Amakelitish post masters and Phillistine +collectors to displace, but with a second Jaxon at our hed what can we +fear? + +I feel to-night like a young colt. To me it seems ez though my venerable +locks, wich hangs scantily about my temples, hed grown black agin, and +that my youth was returnin. Ef I hed any notion uv sooiside, them idea +is dismist. I'm young agin. Wat hez worked this change? you ask. It's +the proclamation declarin the war at an end, and withdrawin from the +Dimocratic States the odious hirelins uv the tyrant Linkin, and the doin +away uv that terrible marshal law. That's wat's done it for me. Now I +feel like sayin, with one uv old, "Mine eyes hev seed thy glory; let thy +servant depart in peace." + +We hev bin dooly subjoogated some time, and a waitin for this. We wantid +it, and longed for it ez the hart does for the water course, and +considerably more, onless the hart wuz thirsty in the extreme. For now +we are in the Yoonyun agin; we are under the shadder uv that glorious +old flag wich protects all men ceptin niggers and ablishnists. The +nigger is left to be adjustid by us, who is to be governed by the laws +wich control labor and capital. Certenly he is--uv coarse. I saw two uv +my neighbors adjustin one last nite. They wuz doin it with a paddle, +wich wuz bored full uv holes. He didn't seem to enjoy it ez much ez they +did. By that proclamation our states are agin under their own control. +Let em go at wunst to work to destroy all the vestiges uv the crooel war +through wich they hev past. There aint no solgers now to interfere, for +the policy uv keepin soldiers in and among free people is abhorrent to +freedom and humanity. Go to work at wunst, and build up the broken walls +uv your Zion. + +We must hev Peace and unanimity; and Peace cannot dwell among us onless +there's a oneness uv purpose and sentiment. To prokoor this is yoor fust +dooty. If there be among you them ez opposed yoo doorin yoor late +struggle for Rites, hist em. Their presence is irritatin, and kin not be +tolerated. Ablishunism is as abhorrent now as ever, and the sooner yoo +are rid uv it the better. It is safe to assume that every man who +opposed the lately deceased confederacy is a Ablishnist. + +The next step, and the most important, is to tear down the nigger school +houses and churches wich hev bin built here and there, and kindly take +the nigger by the ear, and lead him back to his old quarters, wich is +his normal position. The Yankee school teachers sent here by Freedmen's +Aid Societies shood properly be hung for spreadin dissatisfaction and +spellin books among the niggers, but I wood advise mercy and +consiliation. Tar and featherin, with whippins, will perhaps do ez well, +and will go to show the world that our justice is tempered with charity; +that we kin be generous ez well ez just. Yoor Legislatures shood be +instantly called together, and proper laws for the government uv the +Freedmen should be passed. Slavery is abolisht, and the people must live +up to the requirements of the act in good faith. I protest agin any +violation uv good faith, but labor must be done, for the skripter +commands it, and our frail nature demands wat cant be got without it. We +don't like to do it, but shel skripter be violated? Not at all. The +nigger must do it hisself, not ez a slave, for slavery is abolished, but +ez a free man. Ethiopean citizens uv Amerikin descent (wich is +mulatters), and full-blooded blacks, and all hevin in the veins a taint +uv Afrikin blood, must be restrained gently, and for their own good, I +suggest laws ez follows:-- + +1. They must never leave the plantation onto wich they are, when this +act goes into effect, without a pass from the employer, under penalty uv +bein shot. + +2. They shel hev the privilege uv suein everybody uv their own color, ef +they kin give white bail for costs. + +3. They shel hev the full privilege uv bein sued the same ez white +folks. + +4. They shel be competent ez witnesses in cases in wich they are not +interested, but their testimony is to go for nothin ef it is opposed by +the testimony uv a white man or another nigger. + +5. No nigger shel be allowed to buy or lease real estate outside uv any +incorporated city, town, or village. + +6. No nigger shel be allowed to buy or lease real estate within any +incorporated city, town, or village, except as hereinafter provided for, +to wit:-- + +He shel give notice uv his desires by publication for six consecutive +weeks in some noosepaper uv general circulation in sed village, for wich +publication he shel pay invariably in advance. He shel then give bonds, +in sich sums ez the mayor shel decide, that neither he, nor any uv his +ancestors, or descendants, or relations, will ever become public +charges, and will always behave themselves with doo humility, the +bondsmen to be white men and freeholders. Then the mayor shel cause a +election to be proclaimed, and if the free white citizens shel vote +"yea" unanimously, he shel be allowed to buy or lease real estate. If +there is a dissenting vote, then he shel be put onto the chain gang for +six months for his impudence in makin sich a request. + +7. Their wages shel be sich ez they and the employers shel mutually +agree; but that the negroes may not become luxurious and effeminate, +wich two things is vices wich goes to sap the simplicity and strength uv +a people, the sum shel never exceed $5 per month, but not less than +enuff in all cases to buy him one soot uv close per annum, wich the +employer shel purchase hisself. + +8. The master shell hev the privilege uv addin to this code sich other +rules and regulations for their proper government ez may strike him ez +being good for em from time to time. + +These provisions sekure the nigger in all the rites wich kin reasonably +be asked for him, just elevated ez he is from slavery, and thrown upon +the world, ignorant of the dooties of his new position and status. He is +simple, and needs the guidin hand uv the stronger race. + +My hart is too full to make further suggestions. Organized into a +tabloo, with the constitooshun in one hand (wich beloved instrument +kivers a great deal of ground), a scar-bangled spanner in the other, and +a tramplin on a bloo coat wich I stript orf uv a returned nigger solger +wich wuz sick, I exultinly exclaim, "The Union ez it is is ez good ez +the Union ez it wuz. 'Ror!" + + PETROLEUM V. NASBY, + Lait Paster uv the Church uv the Noo Dispensashun. + + + + +XIX. + +A Wail of Anguish.--The Passage of the Civil Rights Bill over the Veto. + + + CONFEDRIT x ROADS + (wich is in the Stait uv Kentucky), + April 9, 1866. + +I am a kittle full of cusses. + +Under me is a burnin fire uv rage, wich is bein continyooally fed with +the oil uv disappointment. + +And I bile over. + +The civil rites bill, wich our Moses put his foot into, we thought wuz +dead. + +And we fired great guns, and hung out our flags, wich we laid aside in +1860, and made a joyful noise. + +For we said, one unto another, Lo! he is a true Moses, inasmuch ez he is +a leadin us out uv the wilderness. + +The civil rites bill wuz the serpent wat bit us, and he histed it, that +we might look and live. + +Now let us be joyful! + +For the Ethiopian is delivered into our hands, bound hand and foot. + +Blessed be Moses! + +We will make him grind our corn; but he shel not eat thereof. + +Blessed be Moses! + +We will make him tread out our wheat; but we will muzzle his mouth. + +Blessed be Moses! + +He shall pick our cotton; but the hire he receiveth, he shall stick in +his eye without injuring the sight thereof. + +Blessed be Moses! + +He shall toil in the sugar mill; but the sugar shall he not sell. + +Blessed be Moses! + +His sweat shall nourish our corn; but he shall eat nary ear thereof. + +Blessed be Moses! + +We will burn his school houses, and destroy his spelling books (for +shall the nigger be our superior?), and who shall stay our hand? + +The skool teachers we will tar and feather, and whar is the bloo-koted +hirelins to make us afeerd? + +Blessed be Moses! + +We looked at the nigger, and said, Ha, ha! the last state uv that +chattle is wuss nor the fust; for before, we hed his labor while he wuz +strong and healthy, but hed to take care on him when he wuz sick and +old; and now we kin git his labor without the care. + +Blessed be Moses! + +The Ablishnists cast out one devil, and garnished the room; but there +wuz seven devils more stronger and hungrier, which rushed in and +pre-empted the premises. + +Blessed be Moses! + +But our song uv joy wuz turned into a wale uv anguish. + +Moses sought to hist the serpent, but the serpent histed him. + +He's on a pole, and the bitin North wind is a blowin onto him. + +He can't get up any higher, because his pole ain't any longer; and he +cant't get down, because he ain't no place to light onto. + +He vetoed the bills, and Congress hez vetoed him; the civil rights bill +they passed in a uncivil manner. + +Now, bein the nigger hez rights, he is our ekal. + +Our ekil is the nigger now, and onless the skool house is burned, and +the spellin books destroyed, he will soon be our superior. + +We wuz willin to give him the right uv bein sued; but, alas! he kin sue. + +He kin be a witness agin us, and he kin set his face agin ourn. + +Our wise men may make laws to keep him in his normal speer, but uv wat +avail is they? + +We kin buy and sell him no more, neither he nor his children. + +The men will cleave unto their wives, and the wives unto their husbands, +and our hand is powerlis to separate em. + +Their children kin we no more put up at auction, and sell to the highest +bidder, we pocketing joyfully the price thereof. + +They hev become sassy and impudent, and say, "Go to; are we not men?" + +I bade one git orf the sidewalk, and he bade me be damned. + +I chucked a nearly white one under the chin, and smiled onto her, and +she squawked; and her husband, hearin the squawk thereof, came up and +bustid my head, even as a white man wood hev dun. + +I chastised wun who gave me lip; and he sood me, a Caucashun, for +assault and battery, and got a judgment! + +Wale! for Moses put out his hand to save us these indignities, but his +hand wuz too weak. + +We killed Linkin in vain. + +Our Moses is playin Jaxon. He fancieth he resembleth him, becoz his +inishals is the same. + +He resembleth Jaxon muchly--in that Jaxon hed a policy wich he cood +carry out, while our Moses hez a policy wich he can't carry out. + +And ez he can't carry out his policy, the people are carryin it out for +him. + +Wich they do, a holdin it at arm's length, and holdin their noses. + +Moses is a cake half baked; he is hot on one side, and cold on tother. + +He darsn't let go uv Ablishnism, and is afeerd to come to us. + +He hez been takin epsom salts and epecac; and one is workin up, and the +other is workin down. + +Where kin we look for comfort? + +Do we turn to the people? Connecticut answers, "'Ror for Hawley!" and +Noo Hampshier goes Ablishun. + +Do we turn to the courts? Lo! Taney hez gone to his reward--him who +aforetime dealt out Dimekratic justice, and who understood the nacher uv +the nigger,--and Chase, who is pizen, reigns in his stead. + +Raymond is growin weak in the knees, and Doolittle is a broken reed on +which to lean. + +We are too short at both ends. + +Shall we go to Brazil? Lo! there they put niggers in office. + +Mexico holds out her hands to us; but, lo! the nigger is considered a +man. + +We hev no escape from the Etheopian; he is around us, and about us, and +on top uv us. + +I see no post orfis in the distance, no hope for the future. + +Hed I been a Ablishunist, so ez to make the thing safe in the next +world, I shood be glad to die, and quit this. + +For my sole is pregnant with grief; my hart bugs out with woe. + + PETROLEUM V. NASBY, + Lait Paster uv the Church uv the Noo Dispensashun. + + + + +XX. + +Mournful View of the Situation. + + + CONFEDRIT x ROADS + (wich is in the Stait uv Kentucky), + April 26, 1866. + +The work uv death is a goin on. The sakred precepts uv the Holy +Skripters is bein daily violated by an insane majority, who hev +substitooted their own noshens for the safe and pleasant revelashens uv +Holy Writ, and the practices of their fathers. + +Cood Noah, when he cussed Ham, and declared that he shood be a servant +unto his brethren, hev foreseen how his cuss wood hev bin disregarded in +these degenerate days, he wood, I boldly assert (and I make the +assertion from wat I know uv the character uv that eminent navigator), +hev kep sober, and not cusst Ham at all. For wat's the yoose uv sich a +cuss ef it's to be removed jist when you want it to stick? Hed it bin +taken off afore cotton wuz profitable, and afore the Southern people hed +learned to depend onto their labor, it wouldent hev bin so bad, and they +cood hev endoored it without murmurin. But, alars! not only is the South +in a state of abject cussitood, but the Northern Dimocrasy is likewise. + +The case stood thuswise: The South depended on the Nigger; and the +Northern politicians, like me, depended on the South. The nigger wuz the +foundashun upon wich the entire structur rested; and now that he's +knocked out, it falls. + +I wuz in Washington the other day, and wuz a unwillin witnis uv a scene +wich filled me with unutterable disgust. The niggers wuz a celebratin +suthin connected with their onnatural removal from their normal +condishun, and wuz a paradin the streets with bands uv music, and with +banners and inscriptions. They hed the impudence to dress up in good +clothes,--clothes wich I cood not afford to wear,--and three uv the +impudent cusses hed the ashoorance to go so far in their imitation of +human beins ez to make speeches; and to my horrer, the mass uv em hed +ben so well trained by somebody that they actily cheered, and ez near ez +I cood make out got in the applause at the right place, and all without +the assistance uv a indivijjle to commence applaudin at the right time, +wich we hev generally found nessary at Dimmekratic meetins. + +Their inscripshuns wuz insultin. They hed em all spelt rite, and; they +wuz full uv aloosions to ekal rites, and onqualifyed suffrage, and sich, +planely showin that the poor, misguided critters hed no idee that they +wuz loaded down with a cuss, and that becoz uv that cuss they hed no +rites watever. + +In Richmond I saw other evidences uv the terrible breakin down uv the +barriers wich Noah set up atween the races. I wuz sittin in a hoss car, +when a nigger hed the onparalleled asshoorence to enter and set down. I +remonstrated with the chattel, who laft in my face. + +Thus the old landmarks is bein removed, and thus the foundations uv +society is a bein broken up. I saw in Richmond fair wimmin who hed, in +olden times, never known wat labor wuz, a washin dishes, and cookin +their own vittles; and I saw men, who hed wunst lived luxuriously on the +labor uv a hundred niggers, now drivin drays, and sellin dry goods and +groceries, and sich, and my soul sunk within me. Wuz the cuss a mistake? +Wuz the nigger not the race that wuz cussed? or has he becum so +bleached, so lost in the white by amalgamation, that there ain't enough +uv the black left in each indivijjle for the cuss to hang to. + +Andrew Johnson! in your hands rests our cause; on your ackshen depends +our weal or woe! Yoo, and yoo alone, kin remedy this. Wat if a corrupt +and radikle Congress does override your vetoes, and legislate for these +cuss-ridden people? Yoo hev yet a power wich yoo must not hesitate to +make em feel. Clear out the rump Congress; declare our Southern brethren +entitled to their seats, and see that they hev em. The Dimocrisy uv the +North, wich wuz latterly for peece, are now fur war. They will sustain +yoo. Reverse yoor ackshen, and yoo kin attach em to yoo with hooks uv +steel. There ain't no risk in it--nary risk. Turn the Ablishnists out uv +the Post Offices, and replace em with Democrats; let it be understood +that yoo hev come back to your fust love, and no longer abide in the +tents uv Ablishunism,--and all will be well. Talk less uv yoor policy, +and put more uv it into acts. Combine Post Offices with Policy, and +proclaim that only he who sustains the latter shel hev the former, and +yoo kin depend on the entire Democrisy North. We are waitin anxiously. +From the South comes up the cry, wich the North reekkoes. + +Will Androo Johnson, wich Ablishnists call Moses, but wich we, for +obvious reasons, style the 2d Jaxon, heed that cry? or will he persist +in clingin to the black idol he embraced four years ago? + + PETROLEUM V. NASBY, + Lait Paster uv the Church uv the Noo Dispensashun. + + + + +XXI. + +A Psalm of Gladness.--The Veto of the Civil Rights Bill, and other +Matters, occasioning a Feeling of Thankfulness in the Minds of the +Democracy. + + + CONFEDRIT x ROADS + (wich is in the Stait uv Kentucky), + May 1, 1866. + +I am a canary, a nightengale. A lark, am I. + +I raise my voice in song. I pour forth melojus notes. + +I am a lamb, wich frisketh, and waggeth his tale, and leapeth, ez he +nippeth the tender grass. I am a colt, wich kicketh up its heels +exuberantly. + +I am a bridegroom, wich cometh from his bride in the mornin feelin +releeved in the knowledge that she wore not palpitators, nor false +calves, nor nothin false, afore she wuz hizn. + +I am a steamboat captin with a full load, a doggry keeper on a Saturday +nite, a sportin man with four aces in his hand. + +All these am I, and more. + +For we sought to establish ourselves upon a rock, but found that the +underpinnin wuz gone out uv it. + +Even slavery wuz our strong place, and our hope; but the corners hed bin +knocked out uv it. + +The sons uv Belial hed gone forth agin it. Massachusetts hed assailed +it, and the North West hed drawd its bow agin it. + +Wendell Phillips hed pecked out wun stun, Garret Smith another; and the +soljers hed completed what they hed begun. + +And Congris, even the Rump, hed decreed its death, and hed held forth +its hand to Ethiopia. + +It passed a bill givin the Niggers their rites, and takin away from us +our rites: + +Sayin, that no more shel we sell em in the market place, + +Or take their wives from em, + +Or be father to their children, + +Or make uv em conkebines aginst their will, + +Or force em to toil without hire, + +Or shoot em, ez we wuz wont to do under the old dispensashun, + +Or make laws for em wich didn't bind us as well. + +And our hearts wuz sad in our buzzums; for we said, Lo! the nigger is +our ekal; and we mourned ez them hevin no hope. + +But the President, even Androo, the choice uv Booth, said, Nay. + +And the bill wuz vetoed, and is no law; and our hearts is made glad. + +And from the Ohio to the Gulf shel go up the song uv gladness and the +sounds uv mirth. + +The nigger will we slay, for he elevated his horn agin us. + +We will make one law for him and another for us, and he will sigh for +the good old times when he wuz a slave in earnest. + +His wife shel be our conkebine, ef she is fair to look upon; and ef he +murmurs, we'll bust his head. + +His daughters shel our sons possess; and their inkrease will we sell, +and live upon the price they bring. + +In our fields they shel labor; but the price uv their toil shel make us +fat. + +Sing, O my soul! + +The nigger hed become sassy and impudent, and denied that he wuz a +servant unto his brethren. + +He sheltered hisself behind the Freedman's Burow, and the Civil Rites +Bill, and the soldiery, and he wagged his lip at us, and made mouths at +us. + +And we longed to git at him, but because of these we durst not. + +But now who shell succor him. + +We will smite him hip and thigh, onless he consents to be normal. + +Our time uv rejoicin is come. + +In Kentucky, the soldiers voted,--them ez wuz clothed in gray,--and we +routed the Abolishnists. + +Three great capchers hev we made: New Orleens we capcherd, Kentucky we +capcherd, and the President--him who aforetime strayed from us--we +capcherd. + +Rejoice, O my soul! for yoor good time, wich wuz so long a comin, is +come. + +We shel hev Post Offisis, and Collectorships, and Assessorships, and +Furrin Mishns, and Route Agencies, and sich; and on the proceeds thereof +will we eat, drink, and be merry. + +The great rivers shel be whisky, the islands therein sugar, the streems +tributary lemon joose and bitters, and the faithful shel drink. + +Whisky shel be cheap; for we shel hold the offises, and kin pay; and the +heart uv the barkeeper shel be glad. + +The Ablishnist shel hang his hed; and we will jeer him, and flout him, +and say unto him, "Go up, bald head!" and no bears shel bite us; for, +lo! the President is our rock, and in him we abide. + +Blessed be Booth, who give us Androo. + +Blessed be the veto, wich makes the deed uv Booth uv sum account to us. + +Blessed be Moses, who is a leadin us out uv the wilderness, into the +Canaan flowin with milk and honey. + + PETROLEUM V. NASBY, + Lait Paster uv the Church uv the Noo Dispensashun. + + + + +XXII. + +The Reconstructed meet to Congratulate the Country upon the Result of +the Memphis Outbreak.--The Reverend discourses upon the Nigger, and runs +against a Snag. + + + CONFEDRIT x ROADS + (wich is in the Stait uv Kentucky), + May 12, 1866. + +The news from Memphis filled the soles uv the Dimocrisy uv Kentucky with +undilooted joy. There, at last, the Ethiopian wuz taught that to him, at +least, the spellin book is a seeled volume, and that the gospel is not +for him, save ez he gits it filtered through a sound, constooshnel, +Dimekratic preacher. We met at the Corners last nite to jollify over the +brave acts uv our Memphis frends, and I wuz the speeker. I addressed +them on the subjick uv the nigger,--his wants, needs, and capacities,--a +subjick, permit me to state, I flatter myself I understand. + +Probably no man in the Yoonited States hez given the nigger more study, +or devoted more time to a pashent investigashen uv this species uv the +brute creashen, than the undersigned. I have contemplated him sittin and +standin, sleepin and wakin, at labor and in idleness,--in every shape, +in fact, ceptin ez a free man, wich situashen is too disgustin for a +proud Caucashen to contemplate him; and when he ariz before my mind's +eye in that shape, I alluz turned shuddrin away. + +I hed proceeded in my discourse with a flowin sale. It's easy +demonstratin anythin yoor awjence wants to beleeve, and wich their +interest lies in. For instants, I hev notist wicked men, who wuz +somewhat wedded to sin, genrally lean toward Universalism; men heavily +developed in the back uv the neck are easily convinst uv the grand +trooths uv free love; and them ez is too fond uv makin money to rest on +the seventh day, hev serious doubts ez to whether the observance uv the +Sabbath is bindin onto em. I, not likin to work at all, am a firm +beleever in slavery, and wood be firmer ef I cood get start enuff to own +a nigger. + +I hed gone on and proved concloosively, from a comparison uv the +fizzikle structer uv the Afrikin and the Caucashen, that the nigger wuz +a beast, and not a human bein; and that, consekently, we hed a perfeck +rite to catch him, and tame him, and yoose him ez we do other wild +animals. Finishin this hed uv my discourse, I glode easily into a +history uv the flood; explained how Noer got tite and cust Ham, +condemnin him and his posterity to serve his brethren forever, wich I +insisted give us an indubitable warranty deed to all uv em for all time. + +I warmed up on this elokently. "Behold, my brethren, the beginnin uv +Dimocrasy," I sed. "Fust, the wine (which wuz the antetype of our +whisky) wuz the beginnin. Wine (or whisky) wuz necessary to the +foundation uv the party, and it wuz forthcomin. But the thing was not +complete. It did its work on Noer, but yet there wuz a achin void. There +was no _Nigger_ in the world, and without nigger there could be no +Dimocracy. Ham, my friends, wuz born a brother uv Japhet, and wuz like +unto him, and, uv course, could not be a slave. Whisky wuz the +instrument to bring him down; and it fetched him. Ham looked upon his +father, and was cust; and the void wuz filled. THERE WUZ NIGGER AND +WHISKY, and upon them the foundashuns uv the party wuz laid, broad and +deep. Methinks, my brethren, when Ham went out from the presence uv his +father, black in the face ez the ace uv spades (ef I may be allowed to +yoose the expression), bowin his back to the burdens Shem and Japhet +piled onto him with alacrity, that Democracy, then in the womb uv the +future, kicked lively, and clapped its hands. There wuz a nigger to +enslave, and whisky to bring men down to the pint uv enslavin him. There +wuz whisky to make men incapable uv labor; whisky to accompany horse +racin, and poker playin, and sich rational amoosements, and a nigger +cust especially that he mite sweat to furnish the means. Observe the +fitniss uv things. Bless the Lord, my brethren, for whisky and the +nigger; for, without em, there could be no Dimocrisy, and yoor beloved +speaker mite hev owned a farm in Noo Jersey, and bin a votin the whig +ticket to-day." + +At this pint, a venerable old freedman, who wuz a sittin quietly in the +meetin, ariz, and asked ef he mite ask a question. Thinkin what a +splendid opportoonity there wood be uv demonstratin the sooperiority uv +the Caucashen over the Afrikin race, I answered "Yes," gladly. + +"Well, Mas'r," sed the old imbecile, "is I a beest?" + +"My venerable friend, there ain't nary doubt uv it." + +"Is my old woman a old beastesses, too?" + +"Indubitably," replied I. + +"And my children--is they little beasts and beastesses?" + +"Onquestionably." + +"Den a yaller feller ain't but a half a beast, is he?" + +"My friend," sed I, "that question is--" + +"Hold on," sed he; "wat I wanted to git at is dis: dere's a heap uv +yaller fellers in dis section, whose fadders must hev bin white men; +and, ez der mudders wuz all beastesses, I want to know whedder dar ain't +no law in Kentucky agin--" + +"Put him out!" "Kill the black wretch!" shouted a majority uv them who +hed bin the heaviest slave owners under the good old patriarkle system, +and they went for the old reprobate. At this pint, a officer uv the +Freedmen's Bureau, who we hedn't observed, riz, and, bustin with +laughter, remarked that his venerable friend shood have a chance to be +heerd. We respeck that Burow, partikelerly ez the officers generally hev +a hundred or two bayonets within reech, and, chokin our wrath, permitted +ourselves to be further insulted by the cussed nigger, who, grinnin from +ear to ear, riz and perceeded. + +"My white friends," sed he, "dar pears to be an objection to my +reference to de subjeck uv dis mixin with beasts, so I won't press de +matter. But I ask yoo, did Noer hev three sons?" + +"He did," sed I. + +"Berry good. Wuz dey all brudders?" + +"Uv course." + +"Ham come from the same fadder and mudder as the odder two?" + +"C-e-r-t-i-n-l-y." + +"Well, den, it seems to me--not fully understandin the skripters--dat if +we is beasts and beastesses, dat you is beasts and beastesses also, and +dat, after all, we is brudders." And the disgustin old wretch threw his +arms around my neck, and kissed me, callin me his "long lost brudder." + +The officer uv the Freedmen's Bureau laft vosiferously, and so did a +dozen or two soljers in the crowd likewise; and the awjence slunk out +without adjournin the meetin, one uv em remarkin, audibly, that he had +notised one thing, that Dimocrisy wuz extremely weak whenever it +undertook to defend itself with fax or revelashun. For his part, he'd +done with argyment. He wanted niggers, because he cood wallop em, and +make em do his work without payin em, wich he coodent do with white men. + +I left the meetin house convinst that the South, who worked the niggers, +leavin us Northern Dimokrats to defend the system, hed the best end uv +the bargain. + + PETROLEUM V. NASBY, + Lait Paster uv the Church uv the Noo Dispensashun. + + + + +XXIII. + +The Workings of the Freedmen's Bureau.--A Report. + + + CONFEDRIT x ROADS + (wich is in the Stait uv Kentucky), + May 27, 1866. + +TO HIS EGGSLENCY THE DISPENSER UV POST ORIFICES, ANDROO JOHNSON, +PRESIDENT UV THE UNITED STATES: + +In akordance with yoor esteemed request, dated the 25th, and received +this morning, I to-wunst proceeded to make doo enquiry ez to the workin +uv the Freedmen's Burow, and the condishun uv the Afrikin citizens uv +Amerikin descent in this vicinity. The fact that a Ablishnist still +holds the Post Orifice at the Corners (wich place, by the way, I hev +been solicited to accept), interfered materially with the bizines I hed +in hand. I to-wunst tooted the horn, ez is the custom when we hev +religious servis, and called my congregashun together. They kum runnin +in from the different groceries; and here another difficulty ensood. The +grosery keepers wanted to know what we wuz a going to hev meetin on week +days for? They wuz willin to shut up doorin meetin time on Sundays, ez +they respected the church, and it give em time to sweep out the +terbacker, et settery; but they'd be d----d ef they wuz a goin to hev +the people pulled away from their nourishment on week days. I succeeded +in pacifyin em, and went in at wunst examinin the leadin citizens. Their +testimony is ez follows:-- + +CAPTIN SKELPER + +Wuz a nigger owner afore the war, and durin the late fratrisidle +struggle wuz a captan in the confedrit servis. Wuz with Ginral Forest at +Fort Pillow. Hez hed much experence with niggers. Bleeves em to be +adapted to the climit uv Kentucky, and much more able to stand the hot +sun than the whites. When they wuz slaves, never knowd em to refooze to +work; know they alluz did work, becoz he generally stood over em with a +nigger whip. Since they hev bin free, hez notist a change; not much uv a +change, ontil the Nigger Burow wuz establisht. Before that they'd take +sich wages ez yoo chose to give em; since then the d----d heathen will +stand out bout ez the white men do, and won't work at all onless yoo +meet their views, wich made a heap up trouble, and materially retarded +the develment uv the country. The Burow hed corrupted the female +niggers; ez they hed all bin legally married by the Chaplins to the men +they'd lived with, and wuz so sot on livin with em, that there's no +yoose uv yoor tryin to get a house wench unless yoo took her husband +also. His wife wuz now doin degradin work at home for want uv help. +Strongly urged the abrogashen uv the Burow, and the removal uv the +Abolishun Postmaster at the Corners. + +DEACON MCGRATH + +Wuz eggsamined. Wuz convinst in his own mind that the Afrikin wuz now +out uv his normal speer, and that the infernal Burow wuz at the bottom +uv it. The nigger, afore the Burow come around, wuz docile and easly +controlled. His boy Joe wuz wunst a model nigger. He'd get up every +mornin at 4 A.M. (wich means in the mornin), and work every day till +after dark. Ez soon ez he wuz emancipated, ez they called it, and the +Burow come, I told him to get up, one mornin; and he told me, +impudently, that he'd concluded he woodent. I undertook to chastise him +with a fence stake, whereupon he sailed in, and whaled me; and the +Burow, to which I applied for redress, larft in my face. He left, and is +now draggin out a mizerable existence in Ohio, on the beggarly pittance +uv two dollars a day, and my farm is runnin to weeds. He conclooded by +givin it ez his solemn opinion that he never cood be reconciled to the +Government so long ez the Burow wuz tolerated, and that Ablishnist held +the Post Orifis at the Corners. + +GINERAL DINGES + +Considered the Burow a inkubus upon the State. It interfered between +master and servant. Cood git along better ef the nigger wuz left to the +nateral laws wich regulates capital and labor. Tried to keep his +niggers, and did keep em the past summer till after the crop wuz in, and +then tried to settle with em for four dollars a month, with sich +deductions for food, sickness, and brakin tools, et settry, ez wuz just. +Brought the niggers, all uv em, in my debt, and generously proposed to +let em work it out choppin cord wood doorin the winter. Hauled me up +afore the Burow, and wuz forst to pay em each $15 per month. Consider +the Burow ez all that stands in the way uv rekonstruction, though the +removal uv the Ablishun Postmaster at the Corners and the appintment uv +a sound constooshnel Dimekrat wood grately assist in conciliatin the +Kentucky mind. + +I tried to get some nigger testimony, but cood elicit nothing worth +while. One nigger, who spends the heft uv his time at the Corners, wuz +opposed to the Burow becoz it stopt rations on him. And Lucy, a +octoroon, who formerly belonged to, and still resides with, Elder Gavitt +(who is now absent ez a delegate to a Southern religious convention at +Louisville), testified that the Burow "wuz no grate shakes," becoz bein +ez the Elder wuz a widower, and the father uv all her children, and bein +she's a free woman, she askt the agent to make the Elder marry her, and +he woodn't do it. But sich evidence is irrelevant, and I didn't consider +it worth while botherin yoor Eggslency with it. Both, however, strongly +insisted on the removal uv the Ablishun Postmaster at the Corners. + +ABSLUM PETTUS + +Wuz convinst the Burow wuz agin the prosperity uv the State, and wuz +underminin the moral and physikle welfare uv the nigger. It made him +impudent. Hed sum uv em workin for him, and notist at noons and nites +he'd find em with a spellin-book and a reader. Didn't bleeve in readin. +Coodent read hisself, but hed a cousin wunst who learned; but ez soon ez +he cood read he moved off to Injeanny, quit the Democrisy, and becum a +loathsum Ablishnist. Heerd he wuz killed in the war, and served him +rite. Wanted to know what we wood do when the niggers cood all read. +Sposed we'd hev to 'lect em to offis, ez the people alluz selected sich, +when they cood find em. Didn't bleeve in nigger equality, and wuz in +favor uv a imediate change in the post orfice at the Corners. + +CAPTIN MCSLATHER thought things hed cum to a sweet old pass, when a man +coodn't lather a nigger without bein hauled up afore a Burow. + +KURNEL PELTER thought ef yoor Eggsolency cood witness the corupshun that +eggsisted in the Burow, yoo'd make short work uv it. Why, he whipped a +nigger hand more than he ought, perhaps, and he died uv the injuries. It +wuz a aggravatin case. The nigger wuz sassy, and it cost three hundred +and sixteen dollars to pervide for his family. That infamous Burow made +me pay for their rashens all winter. He asked, indignantly, ef this wuz +or wuz not a free kentry into, wich such things wuz permitted. And the +Ablishen Postmaster at the Corners approved the tyranikle action. He +demanded his removal. + +I conceive it to be onnecessary to submit further testimony. I know not +what luck yoor other commissioners may hev met with in takin testimony +on this subjick; but in this vicinity there can't be no doubt that there +can't be that love for the Government, without wich free instooshens +won't flourish to any alarmin extent, ontil this monster is squelched. +The testimony is unanimous, and them ez I hev eggsamined are +representative men. + +You may hev notist, also, the singler unanimity with wich they all bore +testimony to the necessity uv a change in the Post Orifis at the +Corners. I endorse all they say on this question, considerin that that +change is ez necessary in the grate work uv pacifyin and consiliation ez +is the removal of the Burow. In case a change is made, I would say, for +your guidance, that I hev been warmly solicited by my friends to accept +the position, and to pacify em, hev at last yielded a reluctant consent. +The fact that I never served in the Confederate army may be an +objection; but, to offset that, I voted for Vallandygum twice. + +Ef possible, send me a pardon at the same time yoo send me my commission +ez Post Master; for, if the Post Offis don't pay, I may want to run for +some other office, in wich event that document would be essential to my +success. + +With sentiments uv the most profound respek, + + I am + Trooly yours, + PETROLEUM V. NASBY, + Lait Paster uv the Church uv the Noo Dispensashun. + + + + +XXIV. + +Presides at a Church Trial. + + + CONFEDRIT x ROADS + (wich is in the Stait uv Kentucky), + June 9, 1866. + +They hed a ruction in the church at the Corners yisterday, wich bid fair +to result in a rendin uv the walls of our Zion, and the tearin down uv +the temple we hev reared with so much care and hev guarded with so much +solissitood. When I say "we," I mean the members thereof, ez the church +wuz reorganized sence the war by returned Confedrit soljers and sich +Dimokrats ez remaned at home nootrel; but inasmuch ez I am the only +reglerly ordained Dimokratic paster in these parts I ginerly conduct the +services, and hentz hev insensibly fell into a habit uv speekin uv the +church ez "my" church, and I feel all the solissitood for its spiritooal +and temporal welfare that I cood ef I wuz reglerly ordained ez its +paster, wich I expect to be ef I fail in gettin that post offis at the +Corners, wich is now held by a Ablishnist uv the darkest dye, wich +President Johnson, with a stubbornness I can't account for, persistently +refooses to remove. + +The case wuz suthin like this:-- + +Deekin Pogram wuz charged by Elder Slather with hevin, in broad daylite, +with no attempt at concealment, drunk with a nigger, and a free nigger +at that, in Bascom's grocery, and to prove the charge Deekin Slather +called Deekin Pennibacker. + +The Deekin wuz put onto the stand, and testified ez follows:-- + +"Wuz in Bascom's grocery a playin seven up for the drinks with Deekin +Slather, Hed jist beet the Deekin one game and hed four on the second, +and held high, low, and jack, and wuz modritly certin uv goin out, +partiklerly ez the Deekin didn't beg. Wuz hevin a little discussion with +him--the Deekin insistin that it wuz the best three in five, instead uv +the best two in three, jest ez though a man cood afford to play five +games between drinks! The ijee is preposterous and unheard of, and ther +ain't no precedent for any sich course. We wuz settlin the dispoot in +regler orthodox style--he hed his fingers twisted in my neck +handkercher, and I held a stick uv stove wood suspended over his head. +While in this position we wuz transfixed with horror at seein Deekin +Pogram enter, arm-in-arm with a nigger, and,--" + +_The Court_.--Arm-in-arm, did you say, Brother Pennibacker? + +_Witness_.--Certainly. + +_The Court_.--The scribe will make a minnit uv this. Go on. + +_Witness_.--They cum in together, ez I sed, arm-in-arm, walked up to the +bar, and drank together. + +_By the Court_.--Did they drink together? + +_Witness_.--They ondeniably did. + +_By myself_.--The Court desires to know what partikeler flooid they +absorbed. + +_Witness_.--Can't say--spose 'twas Bascom's new whiskey--that's all he's +got, ez the Court very well knows. + +_By myself_.--The Sexton will go at once to Bascom's and procoor the +identicle bottle from wich this wretched man, who stands charged with +thus lowerin hisself, drunk, and bring it hither. The Court desires to +know for herself whether it was really whisky. The pint is an important +one for the Court to know. + +A wicked boy remarked that the pint wood be better onderstood by the +Court if it wuz a quart. The bottle wuz, however, brought, and the +Court, wich is me, wuz satisfied that it wuz really and trooly whisky. +Ez the refreshin flooid irrigated my parched throat, I wished that +trials based upon that bottle cood be perpetooal. + +I considered the case proved, and asked Brother Pogram what palliation +he hed to offer. I set before him the enormity uv the crime, and showed +him that he was by this course sappin the very foundashun uv the Church +and the Democratic party. Wat's the use, I askt, uv my preachin agin +nigger equality, so long ez my Deekins practis it? I told him that Ham +wuz cust by Noer, and wuz condemned to be a servant unto his +brethren--that he wuz an inferior race, that the Dimocrisy wuz built +upon that idea, and that associatin with him in any shape that indicated +equality, wuz either puttin them up to our standard or lowrin ourselves +to theirn; in either case the result wuz fatal. I implored Brother +Pogram to make a clean breast uv it, confess his sin, and humbly receeve +sich punishment ez shood be awarded him, and go and sin no more. "Speak +up, Brother Pogram," sez I, paternally, and yet severely. + +Brother Pogram, to my unspeakable relief, for he is the wealthiest +member of the congregashun, and one we darsn't expel, replied,-- + +"That he DID drink with the nigger, and wat wuz more, he wuz justified +in doin it, for THE NIGGER PAID FOR THE WHISKY!!" + +"But shoorly," I remarked, "it wasn't nessary to yoor purpose to come in +with the nigger arm-in-arm,--a attitood wich implies familiarity, ef not +affeckshun." + +_The Prisoner_.--The nigger and I hed bin pitchin coppers for drinks, +and I, possessin more akootnis, hed won. I took the nigger by the arm, +fearin that ef I let go uv him he'd dodge without payin. They are +slippery. + +Overjoyed, I clasped him around the neck, and to-wunst dismist the +charge as unfounded and frivolous. + +"My brethren," sez I, "the action of Brother Pogram is not only +justifiable, but is commendable, and worthy of imitashun. Ham wuz cust +by Noer, and condemned by him to serve his brethren. The nigger is the +descendant of Ham, and we are the descendants uv the brethren, and ef +Noer hed a clear rite to cuss one of his sons, and sell him out to the +balance uv the boys for all time, we hev ded wood on the nigger, for it +is clear that he wuz made to labor for us and minister to our wants. So +it wuz, my brethren, until an Ape, who hed power, interfered and +delivered him out of our hand. Wat shel we do? Wat we cannot do by force +we must do by financeerin. We can't any longer _compel_ the nigger to +furnish us the means, and therefore in order to fulfil the skripter, we +are justified in accomplishing by our sooperior skill wat we used to do +with whips and dorgs. + +"The spectacle uv Brother Pogram's marchin into Bascom's with that +nigger wuz a sublime spectacle, and one well calculated to cheer the +heart uv the troo Dimekrat. He hed vanquished him in an encounter where +skill wuz required, thus demonstratin the sooperiority uv the +Anglo-Saxon mind--he led him a captive, and made uv him a spoil. + +"Wood, O wood that we all hed a nigger to play with for drinks! The case +is dismissed, the costs to be paid by the complainant!" + +The walls uv our Zion is stronger than ever. This trial, ez it resulted, +is a new and strong abutment--a tall and strong tower. + + PETROLEUM V. NASBY, + Lait Paster uv the Church uv the Noo Dispensashun. + + + + +XXV. + +Turns a Meeting, called to Indorse General Rosseau, to Account. + + + CONFEDRIT x ROADS + (wich is in the Stait uv Kentucky), + June 22, 1866. + +There wuz joy at the Corners when the Postmaster (who takes the only +paper wich comes to the office, ceptin a few wich comes to some +demoralized niggers who hev learned to read, and the officers uv the +Freedmen's Burow here) read to the crowd the news uv the canin wich +Rosso, wich is uv Kentucky, give Grinnell. It sent a thrill uv joy +through the State, wich ain't done thrillin yet. Bustin out into nine +harty cheers, we to-wunst organized a meetin for the purpose uv expressin +our feelins on the momentous occasion. The bell wuz rung, the people +gathered together, and I wuz elected Chairman (they alluz elect me to +preside becoz I'm bald-hedded; they think bald heads and dignity is +inseparable), and Deekin Pogram Secretary, with 36 Vice-Presidents--one +for each State. I made a short speech on takin the chair, congratulatin +em on the auspicious event wich called us together. Whereupon a +Committee on Resolutions wuz appinted, wich, after a short absense, +reported ez follows:-- + + Whereas, Genral Rosso, a native-born Kentuckian, and therefore a + gentleman, hevin got into a argument with a Iowa sheep-breeder; + and, + + Whereas, hevin got the wust uv the argument, he dextrously + turned it into blackguardin; and, + + Whereas, hevin got the wust uv the blackguardin, he remembered + the ancient usages uv the chivalrous sons uv the South, and + caned him; therefore, be it + + _Resolved_, That we, the Dimocrisy uv Confedrit x Roads, wich is + in the State uv Kentucky, hereby thank General Rosso for his + manly vindication uv the character uv Kentucky. + + _Resolved_, That we know not wich to admire the most; the dashin + Gineral's courage in bravin the public sentiment uv the North, + or his prudence in selectin the smallest and physically weakest + man in the House to demonstrate onto. + + _Resolved_, That ez Thad Stevens is 70 years uv age, and lame, + and hardly recovered from his fit uv sickness, we suggest that + our beloved hero commence a argument with him, feelin that so + far ez the argument and blackguardin goes the result will be the + same, only so much more so ez to give him a good excuse for + killin him, wich wood be doin the South a servis indeed. + + _Resolved_, That the Dimocrisy uv Kentucky hevent felt so good + sence the Memphis riots. + + _Resolved_, That this manly act uv Gineral Rosso's makes up and + compensates the South for the outrage he inflicted onto her when + he jined the vandal host wich devastated her soil, and that + hereafter he shel be receeved with just the same cordiality ez + tho he had gone into the Confedrit instid uv the Federal servis. + + _Resolved_, That the thanks uv the Dimocrisy are due the bold, + brave men who accompanied and stood by General Rosso in this + vindication uv the Southern spirit. + +I put the affirmative, ez is the custom here, it bein the rool, when the +leaders want a thing to pass, never to call for the nays, and it went +through all right. Then I arose, and stated I hed another resolution, +wich I wished to offer, and I read it:-- + +"_Resolved_, That in retainin in the Post Offis, at the Corners, a +Ablishnist, President Johnson is--" + +At this point Deekin Pogram interrupted me. He spozed this meetin wuz +called to congratulate Ginral Rosso, and wat wuz the sense uv mixin up a +paltry Post Offis with a matter uv so much importance ez the canin uv a +Ablishnist? It was clearly out uv order. + +I replied,-- + +"Wood _yoo_ be glad, or wood this congregashun be glad, to hev me in the +Post Orfis in the place uv that Ablishnist?" + +The Deekin replied that personally he wood. He had the highest respect +for my massive talents and my excellent qualities uv head and heart, and +besides, he thought probable, ef I got the Post Orfis, he wood stand a +chance uv gettin the nine dollars and sixty-two cents borrowed money I +owed him, and-- + +I called him to order at once. + +Bascom, who keeps the grocery, and who furnishes me with likker (wich I +hev to take for my hair) on the strength uv remittances I am to receeve, +insisted on hearin the resolution ef it wood further my gettin the Post +Orfis, and so did the benevolent gentleman with whom I board, and I +resoomed,-- + +"I kin see a good reason for incorporatin a resolooshun demandin a +change in the Post Orfis into the proceedins uv this meetin. There wood +be, my friends," sed I, "no yoose uv sendin him a naked resolution +demandin this change, becoz he reseeves hundreds and tens uv hundreds uv +applications for offices every day; in fact, they pile in at sich a rate +that he never opens the half uv them. The Dimocrisy, my brethren, are +alive on this subject. Ef they are to support the President, they want, +and will hev, the post orifises, for uv what use is it to support a man +and pay yoor own expenses? It is plain that the proceedins uv a post +offis meetin wood never reach him, but this, my brethren, goes up to him +from the PEOPLE, endorsin a supporter uv his policy, and ez it will be +the only one he hez reseeved, or will reseeve, he will read it and read +it through, and in the exultation he will feel at bein endorsed by +anybody, who doubts the result? The Post Orifis is mine." + +Bascom, the grocery keeper, moved, excitedly, the adoption uv the +resolution. I suggested that I hed better read it, but he sed it made no +difference; he knew it wuz all rite. The benevolent and confidin +individooal I board with seconded the motion, and Deekin Pogram +supported it in a short speech, statin that he understood that it wuz +Brother Nasby's intention, ef he succeeded in procoorin the position, to +devote the first three and a half years' salary towards payin off the +small indebtedness he hed contracted sence he hed honored the town by +residin in it. To all uv wich I blandly smiled an assent, whereupon the +resolution wuz adopted yoonanimusly. Hevin lived here a little risin uv +a year, the vote wuz perfeckly yoonanimous. + +My prospex is britenin. + + PETROLEUM V. NASBY, + Lait Paster uv the Church uv the Noo Dispensashun. + + + + +XXVI. + +Preaches--The "Prodigal Son"--An Interruption. + + + CONFEDRIT x ROADS + (wich is in the Stait uv Kentucky), + July 6, 1866. + +I preached last Sabbath, or rather, tried to, from the parable of the +Prodigal Son. We hed a splendid congregashun. I notice a revival of the +work in this part uv the Dimocratic vineyard wich reely cheers me. The +demonstrashun our friends made in Memphis, the canin uv Grinnel by +Rosso, and the call for a Johnson Convenshun in Philadelphia, all, all +hev conspired to comfort the souls uv the Dimocrisy, and encourage em to +renewed effort. It is bringing forth fruit. Only last week five northern +men were sent whirlin out of this section. They dusted in the night to +escape hangin, leavin their goods as a prey for the righteous. Six +niggers hev bin killed and one Burow officer shot. Trooly there is +everything to encourage us. + +The house wuz full. The weather wuz hot, and the pleasant incense uv +mingled whiskey, tobacco, and snuff wich ariz wuz grateful to me. The +sun shone in on Deekin Pogram's face ez he gently slept, and when the +sun hits him square I kin alluz tell wher he sets, even ef it is dark. +He drinks apple-jack instead of corn whiskey, and chaws fine cut +tobacker instead uv plug, and consekently when in the pulpit I kin +distinguish the pecooliar aroma uv his breath from those around him. + +"My brethren," sed I, "sich uv yoo ez hev Bibles in yoor houses, kin get +somebody to read yoo the parable to wich I shel call yoor attention. A +man, wunst upon a time, hed sons, ez many men hev since, and wun uv em +wuz a tough one. He left his home and went into far countries, makin the +old man shel out his share uv the estate, and he lived high, jist, my +brethren, ez yoor boys do, or rather, did, when they went to Noo +Orleans, in the days when yoo hed a nigger or two wich yoo cood sell to +supply em with money. He played draw poker and faro; he drank fancy +drinks, and boarded at big hotels; and he follered after strange women, +wich'll bust a man quicker nor any one small sin the devil hez yet +invented, ez yoor pastor kin testify. Uv course, his pile give out, and +he got down, my friends, did this ingenuous yooth, to rags and +wretchedness, and ended in being an overseer uv swine. What did he do? +He ariz and went to his father, and the old man saw him afar off, and +went out to meet him, and fell onto his neck, and give him a order for a +soot of clothes and a pair uv boots, and put a ring onto his finger, and +made a feast, killin for the purpose the fatted calf wich he hed saved +for another occasion. + +"My friends, you kin find in the Skripter suthin applicable to every +occasion, and this parable fits the present time like a ready-made coat. +The South is the Prodigal Son. We went out from our father's house on a +expedition wich heznt proved altogether a success. We spent our share uv +the estate, and a little more. We run through with our means, and hev +cum down to rags, and dirt, and filth, and hunger. We are, and hev bin +some time, a chawin husks. We run out after them twin harlots, Slavery +and State Rights, and they've cleaned us out. Our pockets are empty. No +more doth the pleasant half-dollar jingle in sweet unison agin its +fellows. Our wallets is barren uv postal currency, and the +grocery-keepers mourn, and refuse to be comforted, becoz we are not. We +hev got to the husk stage uv our woe, and wood be tendin hogs, ef the +armies, wich past through these countries, hed left us any. We hev kum +back. In rags and dirt we hev wended our way to Washington, and ask to +be taken back. Now, why don't our father, the Government, fulfil the +Skripter? Why don't it see us afar off, and run out to meet us? Why +don't it put onto us a purple robe? Where's the ring for our finger, and +the shoes for our feet? and where's the fatted calf he ought to kill? My +brethren, them Ablishnists is worse than infiddles--while they preach +the gospel they won't practise it. For my part, I--" + +At this point a sargent, belongin to that infernal Burow, who wuz in the +awdience, with enough uv soldiers to make opposin uv him unpleasant, sed +he hed bin a sort uv an exhorter in his day, and desired to say a word +in explanation uv that parable, ez applicable to the present time; and, +sez he, "ef I am interrupted, remember I b'long to the church military, +wich is, just now, the church triumphant." And cockin his musket he +proceeded, very much uninterrupted. + +"The prodigal son," sez he, "wuz received by the old man with +considerable doins, but, my worthy friends, he went out decently. He +didn't, ez soon ez he withdrawed from the house, turn around and make +war onto the old gentleman--he didn't burn his house and barns, tear up +his garden, burn his fences, and knock down the balance uv the children. +Not any. He went away peaceably, a _misguided_ good-for-nothin, but yet +a _peaceable_ good-for-nothin. Secondly, he come back uv his own akkord. +The old man didn't go after him, and fight for four years, at a cost uv +half his substance, to subdue him and bring him back, but when he hed +run through his pile, and squandered his share uv the estate, and got +hungry, he came back like a whipped dog. + +"My friends, let me draw a small parallel between these cases. + +"The Prodigal Son went out,--so did the South,--thus farly the cases is +alike. + +"The Prodigal didn't steal nothin. The Confederacy took everything it +cood lay its hands on. + +"The Prodigal spent only what wuz his to spend. The Confederacy spent +not only all it stole, but all it cood borrer, when it knowd its +promises to pay wuzent worth the mizable paper they wuz printed onto. + +"The Prodigal, when he did come, come ez penitent ez the consciousness +that he hed made a fool uv hisself cood make him. The Confederacy wuz +whipped back, but it still swears hefty oaths that it wuz right all the +time. + +"The Prodigal didn't _demand_ veal pot-pies, and purple robes, and sich, +but begged to be a servant unto the more sensible brethren wich stayed. +The South comes back _demandin_ office, uv wich the fatted calf, and +rings, and purple robes is typical, and considerably more share in the +government than it had before it kicked over the traces, and went out +like the lost tribes uv Israel. + +"Spozn the Bible prodigal hed stopped his parient, and remarked to him +thus: 'I am willin to come back, on conditions. Yoo must pay my +debts--yoo must give me an ekal share uv the farm with the other +boys--yoo must treat me in all respecks just ez ef I hadn't gone out, +and--this is essential--yoo must take with me all the sharpers who +ruined me, all the gamblers and thieves with whom I fell in while I wuz +away, and make them head men on the place; and above all, I hev with me +the two harlots wich wuz the prime cause of my ruin, and they must hev +eleven of the best rooms in the house, and must be treated ez your +daughters. To avoid displeasin the others, I'll dress em in different +clothes, but here they must stay. Otherwise, I'll go out agin.' + +"Probably the old gentleman wood hev become indignant, and would hev +remarked to him to go, and never let him see his audacious face agin, or +rather, he would hev strangled the harlots, scattered the blacklegs, and +choked the young sprout into submission. Them's me. I am anxious to kill +that fatted calf, and am also anxious to put on yoo robes and shoes. +But, alas! the calf suffered from want uv attention so long doorin the +late misunderstandins that he's too poor--the robes wuz all cut up into +bloo kotes for the soljers we sent out to fetch you in--the shoes they +wore out, and the rings--Jeff'son Davis wears the only style we hev. +When you come back in good shape, yool find us ready to meet you; but +till then, chaw husks!" + +Lookin around, this armed tyrant remarked that there would be no more +preaching that day, and sadly the congregation dispersed. + +I'm heart sick. At every turn I make that Burow stares me in the face, +and counteracts my best endeavors. It's curious, though, what different +sermons kin be preached from the same text, and it's also curious how +quiet our folks listen to a ablishnist who hez muskets to back him. + + PETROLEUM V. NASBY, + Lait Paster uv the Church uv the Noo Dispensashun. + + + + +XXVII. + +A Pleasant Dream, the Philadelphia Convention being the Subject thereof. + + + CONFEDRIT x ROADS + (wich is in the Stait uv Kentucky), + July 28, 1866. + +My dreams, uv wich I hev hed many doorin the past five years, hevent bin +overly pleasant; indeed, they hev taken more the shape uv hideous +nitemares than anything else--Linkin, Grant, Sherman, and armies dressed +in blue, figurin extensively therein. But last nite I hed a vision wich +more than repaid me for all I hev suffered heretofore. I hed bin at the +Corners assistin in inauguratin a new grocery. The proprietor wuz a +demoralized Ablishnist who hed sold likker surreptitiously in Maine, +among them Ablishunists, and consekently hed no idea uv the quantity a +full grown Kentucky Democrat cood throw hisself outside uv. His entire +capital with which he proposed to commence biznis wuz one barrel uv new +corn whiskey, and some other necessaries, and ez a starter, to make the +acquaintance uv his customers, he announced one free nite, and invited +the entire community. His invitashun wuz considered generous, and we met +it in the same noble sperit--in a more nobler sperit than the confidin +and ignorant man desired, in fact; for when we got through, in about 38 +minits, there wuzn't a drop uv the whiskey left, and while the new +grocery keeper wuz a rollin uv us out, he wuz cussin hisself for a fool. +He didn't open agin; he consoomed his stock in trade in givin the +blow-out to sekoor customers. His stock, like A. Johnson's Unionism, +didn't survive an inaugerashen. + +I succumbed in a fence corner, and overpowered ez I wuz, slept + + "A sweetly dreamin-- + Dreamin the happy hours away." + +Methought I wuz in Philadelphia, and the 14th uv August had arriv. There +wuz a glorious assemblage, ez Doolittle sed, uv the brains and hearts uv +the country, and I may add, ez I and Humphrey Marshall wuz there, uv the +bowels likewise. The Convenshun wuz assemblin. There wuz Seward present, +engineerin uv it. On one side uv him I notist, in my dream, a shadowy +bein with wings, draped in white, and wearin a melonkoly look, with one +hand a layin on his shoulder, a tryin to take him out uv the hall, while +another bein, with wings like a bat, hed him by the nose, and wuz a +twistin uv him jest ez he desired. I notist that this last mentioned +bein hed hoofs, wich wuz split, and a tail wich he wuz flirtin in great +glee. The bein with the tail and hoofs whispered suthin in Seward's ear, +whereupon he moved that that eminent patriot, Ex-President FRANKLIN +PIERCE, be chairman; upon wich the shadowy bein in white unfolded her +wings, and flew away, castin at William the most sorrowful look I ever +saw, the hoofed and tailed individooal laughin tremendous. The +Ex-President took the chair, and one Vice-President wuz appointed from +each State, ceptin Vermont and Massachoosits. My buzzum swelled with +emoshen ez that list wuz read; it wuz more like an old-fashioned +Democratic Convenshun than anything I hed heard for five long years. I +heard the honored names uv Toombs and Rhett, Pryor and Lee, Slidell and +Rosso, and Dandridge and Forrest; I heard the names uv Craven and +Pollard, Thompson and Forsyth, and I felt like him uv old--"Mine eyes +hev seen thy glory, now let thy servant depart in peace." Nothin but the +certainty that I wood at last hev that Post Offis at the Corners kept me +from goin up. Singler 'tis wat slender ties hold us to earth! + +The Secretaries wuz apinted, and then the committees--two on each from +the South and one from the North, wich wuz consiliatin. I wuz put on the +committee on credenshals, Randall, the Postmaster-General, bein the +Northern representative. We hed our hands full. There wuz a rush made on +us, so many claimin seats that we locked the doors for two hours to +decide what shood be the proper qualification for a place. Finally we +agreed to admit ez delegates,-- + +FROM THE NORTH--all Dimocrats who had bin arrested by Linkin's minyuns; +all officers who hed resined rather than to serve in a Ablishun war, and +all Republikins who cood show a commishun ez Postmaster and sich, and +(this wuz considered necessary to guard agin imposition) who wuz willin +to take his solemn oath that he wuz a steadfast bleever in everything A. +Johnson hed did sence Janooary, '66 (ceptin sum small items wich wuz +specified), and all he wuz doin, and all he mite do. + +FROM THE SOUTH--all who cood show a officer's commission in the late +Confedrit army; all who had receeved a pardon from A. Johnson, and all +who hed lost their niggers in an unholy war, wich inclooded all present. + +This decided upon, the work wuz done. The delegates took their seats, +and the grate work uv Reconstructin the Yoonyun commenced. Garret Davis +wanted to make a speech, and a hall wuz hired for him in another part uv +the city, and fifty or sixty German emigrants, who coodent understand a +word uv English, hired at a shillin an hour to act ez audience. Five +kegs uv lager beer, a flooid wich I hev bin told Germans tie to, hed bin +rolled in the hall, and most uv em stayed seven hours and a half. + +In the regler Hall there wuz a comminglin which wuz edifyin. Doolittle +wood make a motion, and Vallandigham wood second it. Forrest made a +speech, and Randall indorsed it. Seward and John Morrissey were on the +Committee on Resolutions, and Dick Taylor and Cowan were occupyin one +seat. The resolutions were brief and to the pint. They resolved that,-- + + Whereas, there hed bin a season uv unpleasantness in our + national history, wich, owin to circumstances over wich nobody + hed any control, extended over several periods uv ninety days + each; and + + Whereas, the unpleasantness resulted from the two sections + viewin things each from its own stand-pint, instead of viewin + things from the other's stand-pint; and + + Whereas, both parties wuz highly in the wrong, partikelerly the + North; and + + Whereas, the South, with a magnanimity unknown in history, hed + thrown down her arms, and wuz ready to resoom her old position + in the Government--nay, more, to take more than her old share in + the trouble uv runnin the Government; therefore be it + + _Resolved_, That we are for the Yoonyun ez it wuz. + + _Resolved_, That the persistency uv a sectional Congress, in + continuin the unpleasantness wich hez to some extent disturbed + our system uv Government, in legistatin while eleven sovereign + States is unrepresented, is pizen. + + _Resolved_, That we view with alarm the manifest determination + uv Congress to centralize in theirselves the law-makin power uv + the Government, and we pledge our support to our worthy Chief + Magistrate, who is a second Jaxon, in his efforts to check their + centralizin schemes by vetoin all they may do. + + _Resolved_, That all traces uv the late onpleasantness may be + wiped out ez soon ez possible, we demand uv Congress an + appropriation for plowin over all the fields on wich the + citizens uv the two sections who wuz indoost by their respective + Governments, so-called, to carry muskets, cum together, + particklerly them on wich our Southern brethren got the worst uv + the disputes that ensood. + + _Resolved_, That Congress shood, ez soon ez it convenes, change + the names uv Murfreesboro', Gettysburg, Atlanta, Vicksburg, et + settry, to sich names ez Smithboro', Brownsburg, Jonesburg, et + settry, that the serious unpleasantnesses wich occurred at them + places may be remembered no more forever. + + _Resolved_, That the citizens uv the Southern States wich lost + their lives, and legs, and sich, in the late unpleasantnesses + wich hez bin referred to, ought to be placed on the pension + rolls the same ez the Northern citizens who suffered likewise; + and that the debt incurred by the South in upholdin things ez + viewed from its stand-pint, is entitled to be paid the same ez + the debt incurred by the North in upholdin things ez viewed from + its stand-pint. + + _Resolved_, That we are willin, for the sake uv harmony, to + admit that Sherman and Grant were, all things considered, worthy + uv bein ranked with Lee and Jackson. + + _Resolved_, That the safety uv the Government demands that sich + ez took part in the late unpleasantnis, from the Southern + States, be to-wunst admitted to Congress, and to the other + posishens wich they yoost to ornament, and that the more + unpleasant they wuz doorin the trouble the more they ought to be + admitted. + + _Resolved_, That there shall be gushen confidences, we freely + forgive the honored Secretary uv State for the too free use uv + his little bell doorin the late unpleasantnis, believin that he + viewed things from his own stand-pint instead uv somebody + else's, wich alluz causes trouble. + +At this pint His Eggslency, Andrew Johnson, supported by Secretary Wells +on the wun side and Vice-President Stephens on one other, with Bukanan +in front and Toombs behind, entered the hall. Sich a cheering I never +heerd. Hats wuz slung into the air, and seats wuz torn up. Proudly they +advanced up the aisle, treading, ez they went, onto a portrait uv Linkin +wich a enthusiastic Connecticut delegate tore from the wall and throwd +before em. They took their position on the stage, Gen. Buell holdin over +em a Fedral flag, and Genral Henry A. Wise, uv Virginny, a Confedrit +flag, both wavin em to the music uv two bands; one a playin Dixie, and +the other Yankee Doodle. + +At this pint methought the sperit uv Washinton floated into the hall, +and for a minnit contemplated the countenance uv President Johnson. In +my dreem I heerd him murmur, "There wuz me, and Adams, and Gefferson, +and Monroe, and sich, and then cum Fillmore, and Peerce, and Bookannon, +and, good God! Johnson! Faugh!" and I notist that George spit ez tho' +suthin in his mouth didn't taste well. In fact, the Father uv his +country looked sick, and spreadin his wings, the sperit moved out uv the +hall, shakin the sperit dust off uv his speritool boots ez he shot thro' +the sky-lite. + +There wuz then a blank in my dream. When I resoomed, I was at the +Post-offis Department the next mornin. The gullotin hed commenced work, +and the supporters uv the constitushun were reseevin their commissions +ez postmasters ez fast ez four hundred clerks cood make em out. Ez I +pressed forward, Randall hisself give me mine. "Take it, my venerable +friend," sez he, with tears a gushin down his cheeks; "take it. No more +shall that Demokrat in your township who takes a paper reseeve it +contaminated by the touch uv a Ablishin radical." + +[Illustration: NASBY'S DREAM OF THE PHILADELPHIA CONVENTION.] + +At this critical pint I awoke. Wood that that dream wuz a reality! Will +I only git that postoffis in a dream. + + PETROLEUM V. NASBY, + Lait Paster uv the Church uv the Noo Dispensashun. + + + + +XXVIII. + +The Reward of Virtue.--After Months of waiting, the Virtuous Patriot +secures his Loaf.--The Jollification. + + + CONFEDRIT x ROADS + (wich is in the Stait uv Kentucky), + August 12, 1866. + +At last I hev it! Finally it come! After five weary trips to Washington, +after much weary waitin and much travail, I hev got it. I am now Post +Master at Confedrit x Roads, and am dooly installed in my new position. +Ef I ever hed any doubts ez to A. Johnson bein a better man than Paul +the Apossle, a look at my commission removes it. If I ketch myself a +feelin that he deserted us onnecessarily five years ago, another look, +and my resentment softens into pity. Ef I doubt his Democrisy, I look at +that blessed commission, and am reassured, for a President who cood turn +out a wounded Federal soldier, and apoint sich a man ez ME, must be +above suspicion. + +I felt it wuz coming two weeks ago. I received a cirkler from Randall, +now my sooperior in offis, propoundin these questions:-- + + 1. Do yoo hev the most implicit faith in Androo Johnson, in all + that he hez done, all that he is doin, and all he may hereafter + do? + + 2. Do you bleeve that the Philadelphia Convenshun will be a + convocashen uv saints, all actuated by pure motives, and devoted + to the salvation uv our wunst happy, but now distractid country? + + 3. Do yoo bleeve that, next to A. Johnson, Seward, Doolittle, + Cowan, and Randall are the four greatest, and purest, and + bestest, and self-sacrificinest, and honestest, and righteousist + men that this country hez ever prodoost? + + 4. Doo yoo bleeve that there is a partikelerly hot place + reserved in the next world for Trumbull, a hotter for Wade, and + the hottest for Sumner and Thad Stevens? + + 5. Do yoo approve uv the canin uv Grinnell by Rosso? + + 6. Do yoo consider the keepin out uv Congris eleven sovrin + states a unconstooshnel and unwarrantid assumption uv power by a + secshnal Congris? + + 7. Do yoo bleeve the present Congris a rump, and that (eleven + states bein unrepresented) all their acts are unconstooshnel and + illegal, ceptin them wich provides for payin salaries? + + 8. Do yoo bleeve that the Memphis and Noo Orleans + unpleasantnesses wuz brot about by the unholy machinashens uv + them Radical agitators, actin in conjunction with ignorant and + besotted niggers, to wreak their spite on the now loyal citizens + uv those properly reconstructed cities. + + 9. Are yoo not satisfied that the African citizens uv Amerikin + descent kin be safely trusted to the operations uv the universal + law wich governs labor and capital? + + 10. Are yoo willin to contribute a reasonable per cent. uv yoor + salary to a fund to be used for the defeat uv objectionable + Congrismen in the disloyal states North? + +To all uv these inquiries I not only answered yes, but went afore a +Justis uv the Peace and took an affidavit to em, forwarded it back, and +my commission wuz forthwith sent to me. + +There wuz a jubilee the nite it arriv. The news spread rapidly through +the four groceries uv the town, and sich anuther spontaneous outbust uv +joy I never witnessed. + +[Illustration: SUPPORTERS OF "MY POLICY" IN PROCESSION.] + +The bells rung, and for an hour or two the Corners wuz in the wildest +stait uv eggsitement. The citizens congratoolated each other on the +certainty uv the acceshun uv the President to the Dimocrisy, and in +their enthoosiasm five nigger families were cleaned out, two uv em, one +a male and the tother a female, wuz killed. Then a perceshun wuz +organized as follers:-- + +Two grocery keepers with bottles. + +Deekin Pogram. + +ME, with my commishun pinned onto a banner, and under it written, "In +this Sign we Conker." + +Wagon with tabloo onto it: A nigger on the bottom boards, Bascom, the +grocery keeper, with one foot onto him, holdin a banner inscribed, "The +Nigger where he oughter be." + +Citizen with bottle. + +Deekin Pogram's daughter Mirandy in a attitood uv wallopin a wench. +Banner: "We've Regained our Rites." + +Two citizens with bottles tryin to keep in perceshun. + +Two more citizens, wich hed emptyd their bottles, fallin out by the way +side. + +Citizens, two and two, with bottles. + +Wagon, loaded with the books and furnitur uv a nigger skool, in a stait +uv wreck, with a ded nigger layin on top uv it, wich hed bin captoored +within the hour. Banner: "My Policy." + +The perceshun mooved to the meetin hous, and Deekin Pogram takin the +Chair, a meetin wuz to wunst organized. + +The Deekin remarked that this wuz the proudest moment uv his life. He +wuz gratified at the appintment uv his esteemed friend, becoz he +appreciated the noble qualities wich wuz so conspikuous into him, and +becoz his arduous services in the coz uv Dimokrisy entitled him to the +posishun. All these wuz aside uv and entirely disconnected from the fact +that thare wood now be a probability uv his gittin back a little matter +uv nine dollars and sixty-two cents ("Hear! hear!") wich he hed loaned +him about eighteen months ago, afore he had knowed him well, or larned +to luv him. But thare wuz anuther reason why he met to rejoyce to-nite. +It showed that A. Johnson meant bizness; that A. Johnson wuz troo to the +Dimokrasy, and that he hed fully made up his mind to hurl the bolts uv +offishl thunder wich he held in his Presidenshal hands at his enemies, +and to make fight in earnest; that he wuz goin to reward his +friends--them ez he cood trust. Our venerable friend's bein put in +condishun to pay the confidin residents uv the Corners the little sums +he owes them is a good thing ("Hear!" "Hear!" "Troo!" "Troo!" with +singular unanimity from every man in the bildin), but wat wuz sich +considerashuns when compared to the grate moral effect uv the decisive +movement? ("A d----d site!" shouted one grocery keeper, and "We don't +want no moral effect!" cried another.) My friends, when the news uv this +bold step uv the President goes forth to the South, the price uv +Confedrit skript will go up, and the shootin uv niggers will cease; for +the redempshun uv the first I consider ashoored, and the redoosin uv the +latter to their normal condishun I count ez good ez done. + +Squire Gavitt remarked that he wuz too much overpowered with emoshun to +speak. For four years, nearly five, the only newspaper wich come to that +offis hed passed thro' the polluted hands uv a Ablishnist. He hed no +partikler objecshun to the misguided man, but he wuz a symbol uv +tyranny, and so long ez he sot there, he reminded em that they were +wearin chains. Thank the Lord, that day is over! The Corners is +redeemed, the second Jaxson hez risin, and struck off the shackles. He +wood not allood to the trifle uv twelve dollars and a half that he +loaned the appintee some months ago, knowin that it wood be paid out uv +the first money-- + +Bascom, the principal grocery keeper, rose, and called the Squire to +order. He wanted to know ef it wuz fair play to talk sich talk. No man +cood feel a more hart-felt satisfaction at the appintment uv our honored +friend than him, showin, ez it did, that the President hed cut loose +from Ablishnism, wich he dispised, but he protestid agin the Squire +undertakin to git in his bill afore the rest hed a chance. Who furnisht +him his licker for eight months, and who hez the best rite for the first +dig at the proceeds uv the position? He wood never-- + +The other three grocery keepers rose, when Deekin Pogram rooled em all +out uv order, and offered the followin resolutions:-- + + Whereas, the President hez, in a strikly constooshnel manner, + relieved this commoonity uv an offensive Ablishunist, appinted + by that abhorred tyrant Linkin, and appinted in his place a + sound constooshnel Demokrat--one whom to know is to lend; + therefore, be it + + _Resolved_, That we greet the President, and, ashoor him uv our + continyood support and confidence. + + _Resolved_, That we now consider the work uv Reconstruction, so + far ez this community is concerned, completed, and that we feel + that we are wunst more restored to our proper relations with the + federal government. + + _Resolved_, That the glorious defence made by the loyal + Democracy uv Noo Orleans agin the combined conventioners and + niggers, shows that freemen kin not be conkered, and that white + men shel rule America. + + _Resolved_, That, on this happy occasion, we forgive the + Government for what we did, and cherish nary resentment agin + anybody. + +The resolutions wuz adopted, and the meetin adjourned with three cheers +for Johnson and his policy. + +Then came a scene. Every last one uv em hed come there with a note made +out for the amount I owed him at three months. Kindness of heart is a +weakness of mine, and I signed em all, feelin that ef the mere fact of +writin my name wood do em any good, it wood be crooel in me to object to +the little laber required. Bless their innocent soles! they went away +happy. + +The next mornin I took possesshun uv the offis. + +[Illustration: NASBY'S DREAM OF PERFECT BLISS.] + +"Am I awake, or am I dreamin?" thought I. No, no! it is no dream. Here +is the stamps, here is the blanks, and here is the commisshun! It is +troo! it is troo! + +I heerd a child, across the way, singin,-- + + "I'd like to be a angel, + And with the angels stand." + +I woodn't, thought I. I woodn't trade places with an angel, even up. A +Offis with but little to do, with four grocerys within a stone's throw, +is ez much happiness ez my bilers will stand without bustin. A angel +4sooth! + + PETROLEUM V. NASBY, P.M. + (wich is Postmaster.) + + + + +XXIX. + +The Convocation of Hungry Souls at Philadelphia.--A Description of that +Memorable Occasion by One who had been Provided for. + + + POST OFFIS, CONFEDRIT x ROADS + (wich is in the Stait uv Kentucky), + August 14, 1866. + +Peace is into me. I hev spent many happy periods in the course uv a +eventful life; but I never knowd what perfeck satisfaction wuz till now. +The first week I wuz married to my Looizer Jane it wuz hevenly; for, +independent uv the other blisses incident to the married state, I +beleeved that she wuz the undivided possessor uv a farm, or ruther her +father wuz, wich, on the old man's decease, wood be hern, and the +prospeck uv a lifetime with a amiable, well-built woman, with a farm big +enough to support me, with prudence on her part, wuz bliss itself; and I +enjoyed it with a degree uv muchness rarely ekaled, until I found out +that it wuz kivered more deeply with mortgages than it wuz ever likely +to be with crops, and my dreem uv happiness busted. Sweet ez wuz this +week, it wuz misery condensed when compared to the season I hev jest +passed through. + +I wuz a delegate to Philadelphia. I wuzn't elected nor nothin, and +hedn't any credentials; but the door uv the wigwam I passed, +nevertheless. The door-keeper wuz a Dimokrat, and my breath helped me; +my nose, wich reely blossoms like the lobster, wuz uv yoose; but I spect +my hevin a gray coat on, with a stand up collar, with a brass star onto +it, wuz wat finished the biznis. The Southern delegates fought shy uv +me; but the Northern ones, bless their souls! the minit they saw the +star on the collar uv my gray coat, couldn't do enuff for me. They +addressed me ez Kernel and Gineral, and sed "this wuz trooly an +unmeritid honor," and paid for my drinks; and I succeeded in borrowin a +hundred and twenty dollars of em the first day. I mite hev doubled it; +but the fellows wuz took in so easy that no financeerin wuz required, +and it really wuz no amoozment. + +The Convenshun itself wuz the most affectinist gatherin I ever witnist. +I hed a seat beside Randall, who wuz a managin the concern, and I cood +see it all. The crowd rushed into the bildin, and filled it, when +Randall desired attention. He bein the Postmaster General, every one of +em dropped into his seat ez though he hed bin shot, and there wuz the +most perfeck quiet I ever saw. Doolittle, who wuz the Cheerman, winked +at Randall, and nodded his head, when Randall announced that THE +DELEGATES FROM SOUTH KARLINY, AND THE DELEGATES FROM MASSACHOOSITS, WOOD +ENTER ARM IN ARM! With a slow and measured step they cum in; and, at a +signal from Randall, the cheerin commenst--and sich cheerin! Then +Doolittle pulled out his white hankercher, and applied it to his eyes; +and every delegate simultaneously pulled out a white hankercher, and +applied it to his eyes. + +To me, this wuz the proudest moment uv my life; not that there wuz +anything partikilerly inspiritin in the scene afore me, for there +wuzzent. Orr, from South Caroliny, looked partikilerly ashamed of +hisself, ez though he wuz going thro a highly nessary, but extremely +disgustin, ceremony, and wuz determined to keep up a stiff upper lip +over it; and Couch looked up to Orr, ez though he wuz afeerd uv him, and +ez though he felt flattered by Orr's condecension in walkin at all with +sich a umble individjooal. But, to my eyes, the scene wuz significant. I +looked into the fucher, and wat did I see, ez them two men--one sneekin, +and tother ashamed uv hisself--walked up that aisle? Wat did I see? I +saw the Democrisy restored to its normal condishun. I saw the reunion uv +the two wings. In fact, I saw the entire Dimokratic bird reunited. The +North, one wing, and the weakest; Kentucky, the beak, sharp, hungry, and +rapacious; South-west, the strong, active wing; Virginny, the legs and +claws; Ohio, the heart; Pennsylvania, the stomach; South Caroliny, the +tail feathers; and Noo Jersey, the balance of the bird,--I saw these +parts, for five years dissevered, come together, holdin nigger in one +claw, and Post Offises in the other, sayin, "Take em both together; they +go in lots." I saw the old Union--the bold, shivelrous Southner a +guidin, controllin, and directin the machine, and assoomin to hisself +the places uv honor, and the Dimokrat uv the North follerin, like a +puppy dog, at his heels, takin sich fat things ez he cood snap up; the +Southerner ashamed uv his associations, but forced to yoose em; the +Northerner uncomfortable in his presence, but tied to him by +self-interest. I saw a comin back the good old times when thirty-four +States met in convenshun, and let eleven rule em; and ez I contemplated +the scene, I too wept, but it wuz in dead earnest. + +"Wat are you blubberin for?" asked a enthusiastic delegate in front uv +me, who wuz a swabbin his eyes with a handkercher. + +"I'm a Postmaster," sez I, "and must do my dooty in this crisis. Wat are +you sheddin pearls for?" retorted I. "Are you a Postmaster?" + +"No," sez he; "but I hope to be;" and he swabbed away with renood +vigger. + +"Wat's the matter with the eyes uv all the delegates?" sez I. + +"They've all got Post Offisis in em," sez he; and he worked away faster +than ever. + +While gettin a fresh handkercher (wich I borrered from the hind coat +pocket uv a delegate near me, and wich, by the way, in my delirious joy, +I forgot to say anythin to him about it), I looked over the Convenshun, +and agin the teers welled up from my heart. My sole wuz full and +overflowin, and I slopped over at the eyes. There, before me, sat that +hero, Dick Taylor, and Cuth Bullitt; and there wuz the Nelsons and +Yeadons, and the representatives uv the first families uv the South, and +in PHILADELPHIA, AT A CONVENTION, with all the leadin Demokrats uv the +North, ceptin Vallandigham and Wood, and they wuz skulkin around within +call, with their watchful eyes on the perceedins. Here is a prospeck! +Here is fatnis! The President into our confidence! The Postmaster +General a runnin the Convention! The bands a playin Dixie and the Star +Spangled Banner alternitly, so that nobody cood complain uv partiality, +or tell reely wich side the Convention wuz on, or wich side it had been +on in the past! Ah! my too susceptible sole filled up agin; the teers +started; but that vent wuznt enuff, and I fell faintin onto the floor. +Twenty or thirty Northern delegates seed me fallin, and ketchin site uv +the gray coat, with the brass star onto it, rushed to ketch me; and they +bore me out uv the wigwam. Sed one, "Wat a techin scene! overpowered by +his feelins." "Yes," sed another: "he deserves a apintment." + +I didn't go back to the Convenshun, coz I knowd it wan't no yoose; and +besides, after all the teers that had been shed,--the members wringin +their handkerchers onto the floor,--it wuz sloppy under foot. +Conciliation and tenderness gushed out uv em. I knowd it would be all +right; it couldn't be otherwise. There wuz bonds wich held the members +together, and prevented the possibility uv trouble. Johnson, hevin a +ambition to head a party, must hev a party to head. The Northern +delegashun--wich hed formerly actid with the Ablishnists--couldn't do +nothin without the Democracy North; and both on em combined couldn't do +nothin without the Democracy South, The President cood depend on the +Democracy North, coz he holds the offices; the Democracy North cood +depend on the President, coz he must hev their votes. The President cood +depend on the Democracy South, coz they want him to make a fight agin a +Ablishen Congris, wich is a unconstooshnelly keepin uv em out, and +preventin em from wollopin their niggers; the Democracy South cood +depend on the President, coz he must hev their Representatives in their +seats to beat the Ablishnists in Congris,--all cood depend on all, each +cood depend on the other, coz each faction, or ruther each stripe, hed +its little private axe to grind, wich it coodent do without the others +to turn the grind-stone. + +The Southern delegates, some on em, wuznt so well pleased. "What in +thunder," sed one uv em, "did they mean by pilin on the agony over the +the Yanks we killed? by pledgin us to give up the ijee uv seceshen, and +by pledgin on us to pay the Nashnel Yankee debt?" + +"'Sh!" sed I; "easy over the rough places. My friend, they didn't mean +it; or, ef they did, _we_ didn't. Is a oath so hard to break? Wood it +trouble that eminent patriot Breckenridge, after all the times he swore +to support the Constitution, to sware to it wunst more? and wood it +trouble him to break it any more than it did in '61? Nay, verily. +Dismiss them gloomy thots. Vallandigham wuz kicked out; but a thousand +mules, and all uv em old and experienced, cooden't kick him out uv our +service. Doolittle talked Northern talk, coz it's a habit he got into +doorin the war; but he'll git over it. Raymond will be on our side this +year, certain, for last year he was agin us; and by the time he is ready +to turn agin, he'll be worn to so small a pint that he won't be worth +hevin; and the Democrisy uv the North wuz alluz ourn, and ef they +wuzzent, the offices Johnson hez in reserve will draw em like lode stun. + +"My deer sir, I wunst knowd a Irishman, who wuz sense killed in a Fenian +raid, employed as a artist in well diggin. It wuz his lot to go to the +bottom uv the excavation and load the buckets with earth. The dinner +horn sounded, and he, with the alacrity characteristic uv the race, +sprang into the bucket, and told em to hist away; and they histed. But +ez they histed, they amoozed themselves a droppin earth onto him. +'Shtop!' sed he; but they didn't. 'Shtop!' sed he, 'or, be gorra! I'll +cut the rope.' My dear sir, Randall, and Doolittle, and Seward, and +Johnson are a histin us out uv the pit we fell into in 1860. Their +little talk about debts, and slavery, and sich, is the earth they're +droppin onto us for fun; but shel we, like ijeots, cut the rope? Nary! +Let em hist; and when we're safe out, and on solid ground, we kin, ef we +desire, turn and chuck em into the hole." + +All went off satisfied: the Northern men, for they carried home with em +their commishuns; I, feelin that my Post office wuz sekoor; for ef, with +the show we've got, we can't reelect Johnson, the glory uv the Democracy +hez departed indeed. + + PETROLEUM V. NASBY, P.M. + (wich is Postmaster.) + + + + +XXX. + +The Great Presidential Excursion to the Tomb of Douglas.--An Account of +the Ride of the Modern John Gilpin, who went a Pleasuring and came Home +with nothing but the Necks of His Bottles: by His Chaplain.--From +Washington to Detroit. + + + AT THE BIDDLE HOUSE + (wich is in Detroit, Michigan), + September the 4th, 1866. + +Step by step I am assendin the ladder uv fame; step by step I am climbin +to a proud eminence. Three weeks ago I wuz summoned to Washinton by that +eminently grate and good man, Androo Johnson, to attend a consultation +ez to the proposed Western tour, wich wuz to be undertaken for the +purpose uv arousin the masses uv the West to a sence uv the danger wich +wuz threatnin uv em in case they persisted in centralizin the power uv +the Government into the hands uv a Congress, instid uv diffusin it +throughout the hands uv one man, wich is Johnson. I got there too late +to take part in the first uv the discussion. When I arrove they hed +everything settled cepting the appintment uv a Chaplain for the +excursion. The President insisted upon my fillin that position, but +Seward objected. He wanted Beecher, but Johnson wuz inflexibly agin him. +"I am determined," sez he, "to carry out my policy, but I hev some +bowels left. Beecher hez done enuff already, considerin the pay he got. +No, no! he shel be spared this trip; indeed he shel." + +"Very good," said Seward; "but at least find some clergyman who endorses +us without hevin P.M. to his honored name. It wood look better." + +"I know it wood," replied Johnson; "but where kin we find sich a one? I +hev swung around the entire circle, and heven't ez yet seen him. Nasby +it must be." + +There wuz then a lively discussion ez to the propriety, before the +procession started, of removin all the Federal offis-holders on the +proposed route, and appintin men who beleeved in us (Johnson, Beecher, +and Me), that we might be shoor uv a sootable recepshun at each pint at +wich we wuz to stop. The Annointed wuz in favor uv it. Sez he, "Them ez +won't support my polisy shan't eat my bread and butter." Randall and +Doolittle chimed in, for it's got to be a part of their religion to +assent to whatever the President sez, but I mildly protested. I owe a +duty to the party, and I am determined to do it. + +"Most High," sez I, "a settin hen wich is lazy makes no fuss; cut its +head off, and it flops about, for a while, lively. Lincoln's +office-holders are settin hens. They don't like yoo nor yoor policy, but +while they are on their nests, they will keep moderitly quiet. Cut off +their heads, and they will spurt their blood in your face. Ez to bein +enshoord of a reception at each point, you need fear nothin. Calkerlatin +moderately, there are at least twenty-five or thirty patriots who feel a +call for every offis in your disposal. So long, Yoor Highnis, ez them +offisis is held just where they kin see em, and they don't know wich is +to git em, yoo may depend upon the entire enthoosiasm uv each, +individyooally and collectively. In short, ef there's 4 offises in a +town, and yoo make the appointments, yoo hev sekoored 4 supporters; till +yoo make the appointments yoo hev the hundred who expect to get em." + +The President agreed with me that until after the trip the gullotine +shood stop. + +Secretary Seward sejested that a clean shirt wood improve my personal +appearance, and akkordingly a cirkular wuz sent to the clerks in the +Departments, assessin em for that purpose. Sich uv em ez refoosed to +contribute their quota wuz instantly dismissed for disloyalty. + +At last we started, and I must say we wuz got up in a highly +conciliatory style. Every wun of the civilians uv the party wore buzzum +pins, et settry, wich wuz presented to em by the Southern delegates to +the Philadelphia Convention, wich wuz made uv the bones uv Federal +soldiers wich hed fallen at various battles. Sum uv em were partiklerly +valuable ez anteeks, hevin bin made from the bones uv the fust soldiers +who fell at Bull Run. + +The Noo York recepshun wuz a gay affair. I never saw His Imperial +Highness in better spirits, and he delivered his speech to better +advantage than I ever heard him do it before, and I bleeve I've heard it +a hundred times. We left Noo York sadly. Even now, ez I write, the +remembrance uv that perceshun, the recollection uv that banquet, lingers +around me, and the taste uv them wines is still in my mouth. But we hed +to go. We hed a mishn to perform, and we put ourselves on a steamboat +and started. + +ALBANY.--There wuz a immense crowd, but the Czar uv all the Amerikas +didn't get orf his speech here. The Governor welcomed him, but he +welcomed him ez the Cheef Magistrate uv the nashen, and happened to drop +in Lincoln's name. That struck a chill over the party, and the President +got out uv it ez soon ez possible. Bein reseeved ez Chief Magistrate, +and not ez the great Pacificator, ain't His Eggslency's best holt. It +wuz unkind uv Governor Fenton to do it. If he takes the papers, he must +know that His Mightiness ain't got but one speech, and he ought to hev +made sich a reception ez wood hev enabled him to hev got it off. We +shook the dust off uv our feet, and left Albany in disgust. + +SKENACTADY.--The people uv this delightfull little village wuz awake +when the Imperial train arrived. The changes hadn't bin made in the +offices here, and consekently there wuz a splendid recepshun. I didn't +suppose there wuz so many patriots along the Mohawk. I wuz pinted out by +sum one ez the President's private adviser--a sort uv private Secretary +uv State; and after the train started, I found jest 211 petitions for +the Post Offis in Skenaktedy in my side coat pocket, wich the patriots +who hed hurrahed so vocifferously hed dexterously deposited there. The +incident wuz a movin one. "Thank God!" thought I. "So long ez we hev the +post offiees to give, we kin alluz hev a party." The Sultan swung around +the cirkle wunst here, and leaving the Constooshun in their hands, the +train moved off. + +UTICA.--The President spoke here with greater warmth, and jerked more +originality than I hed before observed. He introdoost here the remark +that he didn't come to make a speech; that he wuz goin to shed a tear +over the tomb uv Douglas; that, in swingin around the circle, he hed +fought traitors on all sides uv it, but that he felt safe. He shood +leave the Constooshn in their hands, and ef a martyr wuz wanted, he wuz +ready to die with neetness and dispatch. + +ROME.--Here we hed a splendid recepshun, and I never heard His Majesty +speek more felicitously. He menshuned to the audience that he hed swung +around the Southern side uv the cirkle, and wuz now swingin around the +Northern side uv it, and that he wuz fightin traitors on all sides. He +left the Constitooshun in their hands, and bid em good bye. I received +at this pint only 130 petitions for the post office, wich I took ez a +bad omen for the comin election. + +LOCKPORT.--The President is improvin wonderfully. He rises with the +occasion. At this pint he mentioned that he wuz sot on savin the country +wich hed honored him. Ez for himself, his ambishn wuz more than +satisfied. He hed bin Alderman, Member uv the Legislacher, Congressman, +Senator, Military Governor, Vice-President, and President. He hed swung +around the entire circle uv offises, and all he wanted now wuz to heal +the wounds uv the nashen. He felt safe in leavin the Constooshn in their +hands. Ez he swung around the cirkle-- + +At this pint I interrupted him. I told him that he hed swung around the +cirkle wunst in this town, and ez yooseful ez the phrase wuz, it might +spile by too much yoose. + +At Cleveland we begun to get into hot water. Here is the post to which +the devil uv Ablishnism is chained, and his chain is long enough to let +him rage over neerly the whole State. I am pained to state that the +President wuzn't treated here with the respeck due his station. He +commenst deliverin his speech, but wuz made the subjeck uv ribald +laffture. Skasely hed he got to the pint uv swingin around the cirkle, +when a foul-mouthed nigger-lover yelled "Veto!" and another vocifferated +"Noo Orleens!" and another remarked "Memphis!" and one after another +interruption occurred until His Highness wuz completely turned off the +track, and got wild. He forgot his speech, and struck out crazy, but the +starch wuz out uv him, and he wuz worsted. Grant, wich we hed taken +along to draw the crowds, played dirt on us here, and stepped onto a +boat for Detroit, leavin us only Farragut ez a attraction, who tried +twice to git away ditto, but wuz timely prevented. The President +recovered his ekanimity, and swung around the cirkle wunst, and leavin +the Constooshn in their hands, retired. + +At the next pint we wuz astounded at seein but one man at the station. +He wuz dressed with a sash over his shoulder, and wuz wavin a flag with +wun hand, firin a saloot with a revolver with the other, and playin +"Hail to the Chief!" on a mouth organ, all to wunst. + +"Who are you, my gentle friend?" sez I. + +"I'm the newly-appinted Postmaster, sir," sez he. "I'm a perceshun a +waitin here to do honor to our Cheef Magistrate, all alone, sir. There +wuz twenty Johnsonians in this hamlet, sir; but when the commishn came +for me, the other nineteen wuz soured, and sed they didn't care a d----n +for him nor his policy, sir. Where is the President?" + +Androo wuz a goin to swing around the cirkle for this one man, and leave +the Constooshn in his hands, but Seward checked him. + +At Fremont we hed a handsome recepshun, for the offises hevn't bin +changed there, but Toledo didn't do so well. The crowd didn't cheer +Androo much, but when Farragut was trotted out they gave him a rouser, +wich wuz anything but pleasin to the Cheef Magistrate uv this nashen, +who bleeves in bein respected. + +Finally we reeched Detroit. This bein a Democratic city, the President +wuz hisself agin. His speech here wuz wun uv rare merit. He gathered +together in one quiver all the sparklin arrows he had used from +Washington to this point, and shot em one by one. He swung around the +cirkle; he didn't come to make a speech; he hed bin Alderman uv his +native town; he mite hev been Dicktater, but woodent; and ended with a +poetickal cotashun wich I coodent ketch, but wich, ez neer ez I cood +understand, wuz,-- + + "Kum wun, kum all; this rock shel fly + From its firm base--in a pig's eye." + +Here we repose for the nite. To-morrow we start onward, and shel +continue swingin around the cirkle till we reach Chicago. + + PETROLEUM V. NASBY, P.M. + (wich is Postmaster), + and likewise Chaplin to the expedishn. + + + + +XXXI. + +The Presidential Tour Continued.--From Detroit to Indianapolis. + + + POST OFFIS, CONFEDRIT x ROADS + (wich is in the Stait uv Kentucky), + September 11, 1866. + +I am at home, and glad am I that I am at home. Here in Kentucky, +surrounded by Dimicrats, immersed a part of the time in my offishel +dooties, and the balance uv the time in whiskey, with the privilege uv +wallopin niggers, and the more inestimable and soothing privilege uv +assistin in mobbin uv Northern Ablishnists, who are not yet all out uv +the State, time passes pleasantly, and leaves no vain regrets. I alluz +go to bed nites, feeling that the day hez not bin wasted. + +From Detroit the Presidential cavalcade, or ez the infamous Jacobin +Radical party irrevelently term it, the menajery, proceeded to Chicago. +The recepshuns his Imperial Highniss received through Michigan were +flatterin in the extreme. I continue my diary: + +IPSLANTY.--At this pint the President displayed that originality and +fertility uv imaginashun karacteristic uv him. The recepshun wuz grand. +The masses called for Grant, and His Highness promptly responded. He +asked em, ef he was Judis Iskariot who wuz the Saviour? Thad Stevens? If +so, then after swingin around the cirkle, and findin traitors at both +ends of the line, I leeve the 36 States with 36 stars onto em in yoor +hands, and-- + +The train wuz off amid loud shouts uv "Grant! Grant!" to wich the +President responded by wavin his hat. + +ANN ARBOR.--At this pint the train moved in to the inspiring sounds uv a +band playin "Hale to the Cheef," and vocifrous cries uv "Grant! Grant!" +His Majesty smilinly appeared and thanked em for the demonstration. It +was soothin, he remarked. The air their band wuz playin, "Hail to the +Chief," wuz appropit, ez he wuz Chief Magistrate uv the nashen, to wich +posishen he hed reached, hevin bin Alderman uv his native village, U.S. +Senator, etsettry. The crowd hollered "Grant! Grant!" and the President +thanked em for the demonstration. It showed him that the people wuz with +him in his efforts to close his eyes on a Union uv 36 States and a flag +uv 36 stars onto it. Ef I am a traitor, sed he, warmin up, who is the +Judis Iscariot? Ez I'm swingin around the cirkle, I find Thad Stevens on +the one side and Jeff' Davis on the-- + +The conductor cruelly startid the train, without givin him time to +finish. + +The crowd proposed three cheers for Grant, and the President waved his +hat to em, sayin that he thanked em, showing as it did that the people +wuz with him. + +BATTLE CREEK.--A large number was assembled here, who, ez the train +stopped, yelled "Grant! Grant!" Affected to tears by the warmth uv the +reception, the President thanked em for this mark of confidence. Ef he +ever hed any doubts ez to the people's being with him, these doubts wuz +removed. He wood leave in their hands the flag and the Union uv 36 +States, and the stars thereto appertaining. Ef he wuz a Joodis Iskariot +who wuz-- + +The crowd gave three hearty cheers for Grant ez the train moved off, to +wich the President responded by wavin his hat. + +KALAMAZOO.--The offishels were on hand at this pint, and so wuz the +people--4 offishels and several thousand people, which the latter +greeted us with cheers for Grant! Grant! The President responded, sayin, +that in swingin around the cirkle, he hed bin called Joodis Iskariot for +sacrificin uv hisself for the people! Who wuz the Saviour? Wuz Thad +Stevens? No! Then cleerly into yoor hands I leave the Constitution uv 36 +stars with 36 States onto em, intact and undissevered. + +The offishels received the stars and States, and amid cheers for Grant, +for which the President thanked em, the train glode off magestically. + +And so on to Chicago, where we didn't get off our speech, though from +the manner in wich the people hollered Grant! Grant! we felt cheered at +realizin how much they wuz with us. His eminence wanted to sling the 36 +States and the flag with the stars at em, but ez General Logan wuz +there, ready to fling em back, it wuz deemed highly prudent not to do +it. + +Here my trials commenst. At the Biddle House, in Detroit, the nigger +waiters showed how much a African kin be spiled by bein free. _They hed +the impudence to refoose to wait on us_, and for a half hour the +imperial stumick wuz forced to fast. This alarmin manifestation uv negro +malignancy alarmed His Eggsalency. "Thank God!" sed he, "that I vetoed +the Freedmen's Buroo Bill. I hev bin Alderman uv my native town--I hev +swung around the entire cirkle, but this I never dreemed uv. What would +they do if they hed their rites?" The insident made an impression onto +him, and at Chicago he resolved to trust em no longer. He ordered his +meals to his room, and sent for me. "My friend," sed he, "taste +evrything onto this table." + +"Why? my liege," sed I. + +"Niggers is cooks," sed he, "and this food may be pizoned. They hate me, +for I ain't in the Moses bizness. Taste, my friend." + +"But spozn," sed I, "that it _shood_ be pizoned? Wat uv _my_ bowels? My +stomick is uv ez much valyoo to me ez yourn is to yoo." + +"Nasby," sez he, "taste! Ef yoo die, who mourns? Ef I die, who'd swing +around the cirkle? Who'd sling the flag and the 36 stars at the people, +and who'd leave the Constooshn in their hands? The country demands the +sacrifice; and besides, ef yoo don't, off goes yoor offishl head." + +That last appele fetched me. Ruther than risk that offis I'd chaw +striknine, for uv what akkount is a Dimokrat, who hez wunst tasted the +sweets uv place, and is ousted? And from Chicago on I wuz forced to +taste his food and likker--to act ez a sort uv a litenin-rod to shed off +the vengeance uv the nigger waiters. I wood taste uv every dish and +drink from each bottle, and ef I didn't swell up and bust in 15 minits +His serene Highness wood take hold. I suffered several deaths. I resoom +my diary: + +JOLIET.--The crowd wuz immense. The peasantry, ez the train approached, +rent the air with shouts uv "Grant!" "Grant!" His Potency, the +President, promptly acknowledged the compliment. He was sacrificin +hisself for them--who hed made greater sacrifices? He hed bin Alderman +uv his native town, and Vice-President; he wuz too modest to make a +speech; but ef he wuz Joodas Iskariot, who wuz the Saviour? He hed swung +around the cirkle, and hedn't found none so far. He left in their hands +the-- + +And so on, until near St. Louis, when we penetrated a Democratic +country, uv wich I informed his Majesty. "How knowest thou?" sez he. +"Easy," sez I. "I observe in the crowds a large proportion uv red noses, +and hats with the tops off. I notice the houses unpainted, with pig pens +in front ov em; and what is more, I observe that crowds compliment yoo +direct, instead of doin it, ez heretofore, over Grant's shoulders. The +Knights uv the Golden Cirkle, wich I spect is the identical cirkle +yoo've bin swingin around lately, love yoo and approach yoo +confidently." + +The President brisked up, and from this to Indianapolis he spoke with a +flooidity I never observed in him before. I may say, to yoose a medikle +term, that he had a hemorrhage uv words. At the latter city our +reception was the most flatrin uv eny we have experienced. The people, +when the President appeared on the balcony uv the Bates House, yelled so +vociferously for Grant, that the President, when he stepped forward to +acknowledge the compliment, coodent be heard at all. He waved his hat; +and the more he waved it the more complimentary the crowd became. +"Grant!" "Grant!" they yelled; and the more the President showed himself +the more they yelled Grant, until, overpowered by the warmth uv the +recepshun, and unwillin to expose his health, the President retired +without slingin a speech at em, but entirely satisfied that the people +wuz with him. + +The next mornin the office-holders uv the State, without the people, +assembled, and he made his regler speech to em, wich appeared to be +gratifyin to both him and them. The President does not like to sleep +with a undelivered speech on his mental stumick. It gives him the +nitemare. + +Here I left the party, for a short time, that I mite go home and attend +to my official dooties. There is five Northern families near the Corners +wich must hev notice to leave, and eight niggers to hang. I hed orders +to report to the party somewhere between Looisville and Harrisburgh, +wich I shall do, ez, travelin by order, I get mileage and sich. + + PETROLEUM V. NASBY, P.M. + (wich is Postmaster), + and likewise Chaplin to the expedishn. + + + + +XXXII. + +The End of the Presidential Tour.--From Louisville to Washington. + + + WHITE HOUSE, WASHINGTON, D.C., + September, 12, '66. + +I rejined the Presidenshel party at Looisville, and glad I am that I did +it at that pint. His Imperial Serenity hed bin pleased ever sence he +left Chicago, or rather sence he got near St. Loois, for two-thirds uv +Illinois wuz pizen, and Indianapolis wuz pizener. From St. Loois the +recepshuns wuz trooly corjel and even enthoosiastic. We got out uv the +region uv aristocrats, and hed come down to the hard-fisted yomanry. I +seed holes thro the hats uv men; I seed wat mite be called the flag uv +Democrisy wavin from behind em, which, ez they genrally either had no +coats at all, or if any, they were roundabouts, wuz alluz in view. I saw +wimen who disdained stockins and dipped snuff, and I felt to home. I wuz +among Democracy. The cheerin for Grant and Farragut closed ez we got +into them regions, and uv the vociferous crowds half uv em, the younger +ones, cheered Andrew Johnson, while the old veterans, them whose noses +wuz blossomin for the tomb, cheered for Andrew Jackson. His Serenity +smilinly acknowledged both, by makin a speech to em, and wavin his hat. + +With these preliminary remarks I resoom my diary:-- + +LOUISVILLE.--There wuz a magnificent demonstration here. His Imperial +Majesty, who wuz in a eggslent condition to make crowds large enough, +remarked to me as we wuz ridin through the streets: "'Splen 'splay! +'Mor'n ten 'unerd sousand people--mor'n ten million people--mor'n ten +'unerd million people--mor'n ten 'unerd sousand million people--and +alluvum 'sporters my policy. 'Rah for me!" + +His Majesty ondoubtedly eggsagerated towards the last; but it is safe to +put the throng down at a good many. That estimate is entirely safe. +There wuz the finest display uv banners and sich I hev seen since we +startid. The red white and red wuz displayed from almost half the +houses, ladies waved their handkerchiefs ez we passed, and men cheered. +A pleasin incident occurd here. I noticed one gushin maiden uv +thirty-seven wavin her handkercher ez tho she was gettin so much per +wave, and had rent to pay that nite. I recognized her to wunst. When I +wuz a citizen uv Ohio, and wuz drafted into the service uv the United +States, and clothed in a bob-tailed blue coat, and hed a Oystran muskit +put into my unwillin hands, and forced to fite agin my brethren, our +regiment passed thro Looisville and stayed there some days. I wuz walkin +one afternoon, when I met this identical angel. She saw my bloo kote, +and enraged, spit in my face with sich energy that she threw out uv her +mouth a full sett uv false teeth. I returned em gallantly, wiped my face +with my handkercher, and vowed that handkercher shood henceforth be kept +sacred. It wuz; and when I seed her wavin hern at our party, I wept like +a Philadelphia Convenshen. I stopped the carriage, met the patriotic +female, called her attention to the incident, and handed her my +handkercher which hed, four years before, wiped her spittle. The +incident gave new vigor to her arms, and from that time she waved two +handkerchers, and mine wuz one uv em. I narrated the insident to the +President, and he wept. + +There wuz a large perceshen and a great variety of banners. Among the +most noticeable, wuz a company uv solgers uv the late war, each with a +leg off, dressed in the gray uniforms into wich they hed been mustered +out, with this motto: "We are willin to go the other leg for A. Jonson." +Another company uv solgers, who hed each lost an arm, carried this +inscription: "What we didn't get by bullets, we shel get by ballots." + +The President cut down his speech jest one half here. In swingin around +the cirkle he omitted to menshen that he found traitors on the Southern +side uv it. But he left the constooshn in their hands cheerfully. + +CINCINNATI.--A very enthoosiastic recepshen--continyood and loud cheers +for Grant, wich the President acknowledged. A unsophisticated +Postmaster, who jined us here, wanted to know why the people cheered for +Grant instid uv the President, to which His Highness answered that they +wuz considrit--they knew his modesty, and wanted to spare his blushes. +Another man, who wuz also unsophisticated, asked him, confidenshelly, ef +he didn't think there wuz a samenis in his speeches, and that ef he +didn't think he'd do better to give a greater variety. His Eggslency +asked him how there _cood_ be more variety. "At Cincinnati," sed he, "I +observed the followin order:-- + +1. I swung around the cirkle. + +2. I asked who wuz the Saviour ef I wuz Joodis Iskariot? + +3. I left the Constitooshn, the 36 States, and the flag with 36 stars +onto it, in their hands. + +Now, at Columbus, I shel vary it thusly: + +1. The Constitooshn, flag, and stars. + +2. The Joodis Iskariot biznis. + +3. Swingin around the cirkle. + +At Stoobenville, agin, ez follows: + +1. Joodis Iskariot. + +2. Swingin around the cirkle. + +3. Constitooshn, flag, and stars. + +And so on. It's susceptible uv many changes. I thot uv that when I writ +that speech, and divided it up into sections on purpose." + +JOHNSTOWN, PA.--A bridge fell down, onto wich wuz 400 voters, killin a +dozen uv em. His Eggslency felt releeved when heerin uv the axident, at +bein asshoored that there wuzn't wun uv his supporters on the bridge. He +considered it a speshl Providence. The condukter overheerd the remark, +and answered, that ef any uv his supporters wuz killed in that seckshun +they'd have to import wun for the purpose. + +MIFFLIN, PA.--A enthoosiastic indivijjle who wants the Post Office at +this place very much, fell on the President's neck, and wept, hailin him +ez the "Preserver uv the Union." The President thanked him for this +spontaneous triboot, and left in his hands the Constitooshun, the flag, +and the appintment he desired. + +BALTIMORE.--There wuz a spontaneous recepshun here, wich wuz gratifying +to us. The perceshun wuz immense, and the mottoes expressive. One +division wuz headed by the identikle indivijooel who fired the first +shot at the Massachusetts men in 1861. He is a ardent supporter uv +President Johnson's policy. One flag wuz capchered from a Injeany +regiment at the first Bull Run, at wich the President wept. "Things is +becomin normal," sed he, "when the people will stand that. Wat +love!--wat unity! The flags uv both secshuns, wich was lately borne by +foes, now minglin in the same proceshun, and all uv em cheerin ME." + +At last we arrived at Washinton, hevin swung entirely round the cirkle, +and found traitors North and South. The demonstrashen to greet the +President on his arrival was immense. The clerks in all the departments +wuz out (at least them ez wuzn't will wish they hed bin, ez their names +wuz all taken), the solgers on duty wuz ordered out, and altogether it +wuz the most spontaneous exhibition I ever witnest. The Mayor made a +speech. The President asked if he was Joodis Iscariot who wuz the +Saviour--told him he had swung around the entire cirkle, and hed found +traitors on all sides uv it, though sence he left Cleveland, Chicago, +and Indianapolis he wuz satisfied there wuz the heft uv them in the +North; but be this ez it may, he left the Constooshn, and the 36 States, +and the flag with 36 stars onto it, in his hands. He had bin Alderman uv +his native village, and Congressman, and United States Senator, and +Vice-President, and President, wich latter circumstance he considered +forchinit, but wuz, after all, an Humble Indivij'le. He didn't feel his +oats much, and wood do his dooty agin traitors North, ez well as agin +his misguided friends South. + +And so ended the Presidential excursion. + + PETROLEUM V. NASBY, P.M. + (wich is Postmaster), + and likewise Chaplin to the expedishn. + +P.S. I forgot to menshun that at Chicago we laid the corner-stone uv a +monument to Douglas. The occurence hed entirely slipped my memory. + + P.V.N. + + + + +XXXIII. + +At Home again.--A detailed Account of Soul-harrowing Outrages inflicted +upon the People of Confederate x Roads by a Party of Freedmen, and how +the Insult was wiped out. + + + POST OFFIS, CONFEDRIT x ROADS + (wich is in the Stait uv Kentucky), + September 16, 1866. + +I found my flock in a terrible state uv depression, at which, when I wuz +told the cause, I didn't wonder at. There wuz, back of the Corners on +the side hill, over towards Garrettstown, about three quarters uv a mile +this side of Abbott's grocery (we estimate distance here from one +grocery to another), five or six families uv niggers. The males of this +settlement had all been in the Federal army ez soljers, and hed saved +their pay, and bounty, and sich, and hed bought uv a disgustid +Confederate, who proposed to find in Mexico that freedom which was +denied him here, and who, bein determined to leave the country, didn't +care who he sold his plantashen to, so ez he got greenbax, three hundred +acres, wich they hed divided up, and built cabins onto em, and wuz a +cultivatin it. There wuz a store-keeper at the Corners who come here +from Illinoy, and who hed been so greedy uv gain and so graspin ez to +buy their prodoose uv em, and sell em sich supplies ez they needed. +These accursed sons and daughters of Ham was a livin there in comfort. +The thing was a gittin unendoorable. They come to the Corners dressed in +clothes without patches, and white shirts, and hats on; and the females +in dresses, and hoops under em; in short, these apes hed assoomed so +much uv the style uv people that ef it hadn't bin for their black faces, +they wood have passed for folks. + +Our people become indignant, and ez soon ez I returned, I was requested +to call a meetin to consider the matter, which I uv course did. + +The horn wuz tootid, and the entire Corners wuz assembled, eggscepting +the Illinoy store-keeper, who didn't attend to us much. I stated briefly +and elokently (I hev improved in public speakin sense I heered His +Serene Highness, Androo the I., all the way from Washinton to +Looisville), and asked the brethren to ease their minds. + +Squire Gavitt hed observed the progress uv them niggers with the most +profoundest alarm. He hed noticed em comin to the Corners, dressed +better nor his family dressed, and sellin the produx uv their land to +that wretch-- + +At this point the Illinoy store-keeper come in, and the Squire +proceeded. + +--he shood say Mr. Pollock, and he hed made inquiries, and found that +one family hed sold three hundred and seventy-five dollars worth uv +truck, this season, uv which they hed laid out for clothes and books two +hundred dollars, leavin em one hundred and seventy-five dollars in cash, +which was more money than he hed made sense the accursed Linkin passed +the emancipashen proclamation. And what hed driv the iron into his soul +wuz the fact that wun of them niggers wuz _his_ nigger. "The money they +hev," pursood the Squire, "is MY MONEY; that man worth $1500 is my man; +his wife is my woman; her children my children--" + +"That's a literal fact!" shouted Joe Bigler, a drunken, returned +Confederate sojer; "they hev yoor nose eggsactly, and they're the +meanest yaller brats in the settlement." + +This unhappy remark endid in a slite unpleasantness, wich resultid in +the Squire's bein carried out, minus one ear, and his nose smashed. +Joseph remarked that he'd wantid to git at him ever sense he woodn't +lend him a half dollar two months ago. He was now satisfied, and hoped +this little episode woodn't mar the harmony uv the meetin. + +Elder Smathers observed that he hed noticed with pain that them niggers +alluz hed money, and wuz alluz dresst well, while we, their sooperiors, +hed no money, and nothin to boast uv in the way uv close. He wood say-- + +Pollock, the Illinoy store-keeper, put in. Ef the Elder wood work ez +them niggers wuz workin, and not loaf over half the time at Bascom's +grocery, he mite possibly hev a hull soot uv close, and now and then a +dollar in money. It wuz here, ez it wuz in all strikly Dimekratic +communities, the grocery keepers absorb all the floatin capital, and-- + +He wuz not allowed to proceed. Bascom flung a chair at him, and four or +five uv his constitooents fell on him. He wuz carried out for dead. +Bascom remarked that he wuz for the utmost freedom uv speech, but in the +discussion uv a grate Constooshnel question, no Illinoy Ablishnist shood +put in his yawp. The patriotic remark wuz cheered, but when Bascom ask't +the whole meetin out to drink, the applause wuz uproarious. Bascom alluz +gets applause; he knows how to move an audience. + +Deekin Pogram sed he'd bore with them niggers till his patience wuz gin +out. He endoored it till last Sunday. After service he felt pensive, +ruther, and walked out towards Garrettstown, meditatin, as he went, on +the sermon he hed listened to that mornin on the necessity uv the spread +of the Gospil. Mournin in sperit over the condition of the heathen, he +didn't notis where he wuz till he found hisself in the nigger +settlement, and in front uv one uv their houses. There he saw a site +wich paralyzed him. There wuz a nigger, wich wuz wunst his nigger, wich +Linkin deprived him uv, settin under his porch, and a profanin the Holy +Bible by teachin his child to read it! "Kin this be endoored?" the +Deekin asked. + +Deekin Parkins sed he must bear his unworthy testimony agin these +disturbers. They hed--he knowd whereof he spoke--hired a female woman +from Massachusetts to teach their children! He hed bin in their +skool-room, and with his own eyes witnest it. + +Bascom, the grocery keeper, hed bin shocked at their conduct. He wuz +convinct that a nigger wuz a beast. They come to the Corners to sell the +produx of their lands; do they leave their money at his bar? Nary! They +spend sum uv it at the store uv a disorganizer from Illinoy, who is here +interferin with the biznis uv troo Southern men, but he hed never seed +one uv em inside his door. He hed no pashence with em, and believed +suthin shood be done to rid the community uv sich yooseless inhabitance. +Ef they ever git votes they'r agin us. No man who dodges my bar ever +votes straight Dimocrisy. + +Ginral Punt moved that this meetin do to wunst proceed to the +settlement, and clean em out. They wuz a reproach to Kentucky. Of +course, ez they were heathens and savages, sich goods ez they hed wood +fall to the righteous, uv whom we wuz which, and he insisted upon a fair +divide. All he wanted wuz a bureau and a set uv chairs he hed seen. + +The motion wuz amendid to inclood Pollock, the Illinoy store-keeper, and +it wuz to wunst acted upon. + +Pollock wuz reconstructed first. Filled with zeal for the right, his +door wuz bustid in, and in a jiffy the goods wich he wuz a contaminatin +our people with wuz distributed among the people, each takin sich ez +sooted em. Wun man sejested that ez they wuz made by Yankees, and +brought south by Yankees, that there wuz contaminashen in the touch uv +em, and that they be burned, but he wuz hooted down, our people seein a +distinction. The contaminashen wuz in payin for em; gittin em +gratooitusly took the cuss off. + +Elated, the crowd started for the settlement. I never saw more zeal +manifested. A half hour brought us there, and then a scene ensood wich +filled me with joy onspeekable. The niggers wuz routed out, and their +goods wuz bundled after em. The Bibles and skool books wuz destroyed +first, coz we hed no use for them; their chairs, tables, and bureaus, +clothin and beddin, wuz distributed. A wooman hed the impudence to beg +for suthin she fancied, when the righteous zeal uv my next door +neighbor, Pettus, biled over, and he struck her. Her husband, forgettin +his color, struck Pettus, and the outrage wuz completed. _A nigger hed +raised his hand agin a white man!_ + +The insulted Caucashen blood riz, and in less than a minit the bodies uv +six male Ethiopians wuz a danglin in the air, and the bodies uv six +Ethiopian wimin wuz layin prostrate on the earth. The children wuz +spared, for they wuz still young, and not hevin bin taught to read so +far that they could not forgit it, ef kept carefully from books, they +kin be brought up in their proper speer, ez servance to their brethern. +(By the way, the inspired writer must hev yoosed this word "brethern," +in this connection, figeratively. The nigger, bein a beast, cannot be +our brother.) Some may censure us for too much zeal in this matter, but +what else cood we hev dun? We are high toned, and can't stand +everything. These niggers hed no rite to irritate us by their presence. +They knowd our feelins on the subjick, and by buyin land and remainin in +the visinity, they kindled the flame wich resulted ez it did. Ez they +did in Memphis and Noo Orleans, they brought their fate onto their own +heads. + +Pollock recovered, and with the Yankee school marm who wuz a teechin the +niggers, left for the North yesterday. It speeks well for the +forbearance uv our people that they wuz permitted to depart at all. + + PETROLEUM V. NASBY, P.M. + (wich is Postmaster), + and likewise late Chaplin to the expedishn. + + + + +XXXIV. + +Is requested to act as Chaplain of the Cleveland Convention.--That +Beautiful City visited for that Purpose. + + + POST OFFIS, CONFEDRIT x ROADS + (wich is in the Stait uv Kentucky), + September 20, 1866. + +I wuz sent for to come to Washington, from my comfortable quarters at +the Post Offis, to attend the convenshun uv sich soldiers and sailors uv +the United States ez bleeve in a Union uv 36 States, and who hev sworn +allejinse to a flag with 36 stars onto it, at Cleveland. My esteemed and +life-long friend and co-laborer, Rev. HENRY WARD BEECHER, wuz to hev bin +the chaplin uv the convenshun, but he failed us, and it wuz decided in a +Cabinet meetin that I shood take his place. I didn't see the necessity +uv hevin a chaplin at every little convenshun uv our party, and so +stated; but Seward remarked, with a groan, that ef ever there wuz a +party, since parties wuz invented, wich needed prayin for, ours wuz that +party. "And, Parson," sed he, glancin at a list uv delegates, "ef yoo +hev any agonizin petitions, any prayers uv extra fervency, offer em up +for these fellers. Ef there is any efficacy in prayer, it's my honest, +unbiased opinion that there never wuz in the history uv the world, nor +never will be agin, sich a magnificent chance to make it manifest. Try +yoorself particularly on Custer; tho', after all," continyood he, in a +musin, abstracted sort uv a way, wich he's fallen into lately, "the +fellow is sich a triflin bein, that he reely kin hardly be held +'sponsible for what he's doin; and the balance uv em, good Hevens! +they'r mostly druv to it by hunger." And the Secretary maundered on +suthin about "sixty days" and "ninety days," paying no more attention to +the rest uv us than ez ef we wuzn't there at all. + +So, receevin transportashen and suffishent money from the secret service +fund for expenses, I departed for Cleveland, and after a tejus trip +thro' an Ablishn country, I arrived there. My thots were gloomy beyond +expression. I hed recently gone through this same country ez chaplin to +the Presidential tour, and every stashen hed its pecooliar onpleasant +remembrances. Here wuz where the cheers for Grant were vociferous, with +nary a snort for His Eggslency; there wuz where the peasantry laft in +his face when he went thro' with the regler ritooal uv presentin the +constitooshn and the flag with 36 stars onto it to a deestrick assessor; +there wuz--but why recount my sufferins? Why harrow up the public bosom, +or lasserate the public mind? Suffice to say, I endoored it; suffice to +say that I hed strength left to ride up Bank street, in Cleveland, the +scen uv the most awful insult the Eggsecutive ever receeved. + +The evenin I arrived, the delegates, sich ez wuz on hand, held a +informal meetin to arrange matters so ez they wood work smooth when the +crowd finally got together. Genral Wool wuz ez gay and frisky ez though +he reely belonged to the last ginerashn. There wuz Custar, uv Michigan, +with his hair freshly oiled and curled, and busslin about ez though he +hed cheated hisself into the beleef that he reely amounted to suthin; +and there wuz seventy-eight other men, who hed distinguished theirselves +in the late war, but who hed never got their deserts, ceptin by brevet, +owin to the fact that the Administrashn wuz Ablishn, which they wuzn't. +They were, in a pekuniary pint uv view, suthin the worse for wear, tho' +why that shood hev bin the case I coodent see (they hevin bin, to an +alarmin extent, quartermasters and commissaries, and in the recrootin +service), til I notist the prevailin color uv their noses, and heerd one +uv em ask his neighbor ef Cleveland wuz blest with a faro bank! Then I +knowd all about it. + +There wuz another pekooliarity about it which for a time amoozed me. +Them ez wuz present wuz divided into 2 classes--those ez hed bin +recently appinted to posishens, and them ez expected to be shortly. I +notist on the countenances uv the first class a look uv releef, sich ez +I hev seen in factories Saturday nite, after the hands wuz paid off for +a hard week's work; and on the other class the most wolfish, hungry, +fierce expression I hev ever witnessed. Likewise, I notist that the +latter set uv patriots talked more hefty uv the necessity uv sustainin +the policy uv our firm and noble President, and damned the Ablishunists +with more emphasis and fervency than the others. + +One enthoosiastic individual, who hed bin quartermaster two years, and +hed bin allowed to resign "jest after the battle, mother," wich, hevin +his papers all destroyed, made settlin with the government a easy +matter, wuz so feroshus that I felt called upon to check him. "Gently, +my frend," sed I, "gently! I hev bin thro' this thing; I hev my +commission. It broke out on me jest ez it hez on yoo; but yoo won't git +yoor Assessorship a minit sooner for it." + +"It ain't a Assessorship I want," sez he. "I hev devoted myself to the +task uv bindin up the wounds uv my beloved country--" + +"Did you stop anybody very much from inflictin them sed wounds?" +murmured I. + +"An ef I accept the Post Orfis in my native village,--which I hev bin +solissited so strongly to take that I hev finally yielded,--I do it only +that I may devote my few remainin energies wholly to the great cause uv +restorin the 36 States to their normal posishens under the flag with 36 +stars onto it, in spite uv the Joodis Iskariots wich, ef I am whom, wat +is the Saviour, and--and where is--" + +Perseevin that the unfortunate man hed got into the middle uv a +quotashen from the speech uv our noble and patriotic President, and +knowin his intellek wuzn't hefty enough to git it off jist as it wuz +originally delivered, I took him by the throat, and shet off the flood +uv his elokence. + +"Be quiet, yoo idiot!" remarked I, soothingly, to him. "Yoo'll git your +apintment, becoz, for the fust time in the history uv this or any other +Republic, there's a market for jist sich men ez yoo; but all this +blather won't fetch it a minit sooner." + +"Good Lord!" tho't I, ez I turned away, "wat a President A.J. is, to hev +to buy up _sich_ cattle! Wat a postmaster he must be, whose gineral +cussedness turns _my_ stummick!" + +It wuz deemed necessary to see uv wat we wuz compozed; whereupon Kernel +K----, who is now Collector uv Revenue in Illinoy, asked ef there wuz +ary man in the room who hed bin a prizner doorin the late fratricidle +struggle. A gentleman uv, perhaps, thirty aroze, and sed he wuz. He hed +bin taken three times, and wuz, altogether, 18 months in doorance vile +in three diffrent prizns. + +Custar fell on his neck, and asked him, aggitatidly, ef he wuz +shoor--quite shoor, after sufferin all that, that he supported the +policy of the President? Are you quite shoor--quite shoor? + +"I am," returned the phenomenon. "I stand by Andrew Johnson and his +policy, and I don't want no office!!" + +"Hev yoo got wun?" shouted they all in korus. + +"Nary!" sed he. "With me it is a matter uv principle!" + +"Wat prizns wuz yoo incarcerated in?" asked I, lookin at him with +wonder. + +"Fust at Camp Morton, then at Camp Douglas, and finally at Johnson's +Island!" + +Custar dropt him, and the rest remarked that, while they hed a very +helthy opinion uv him, they guessed he'd better not menshen his +presence, or consider hisself a delegate. Ez ginerous foes they loved +him ruther better than a brother; yet, as the call didn't quite inclood +him, tho' there wuz a delightful oneness between em, yet, ef 'twuz all +the same, he hed better not announce hisself. He wuz from Kentucky, I +afterwards ascertained. + +The next mornin, suthin over two hundred more arriv; and the delegashens +bein all in, it wuz decided to go on with the show. A big tent hed bin +brought on from Boston to accommodate the expected crowd, and quite an +animated discussion arose ez to wich corner uv it the Convenshun wuz to +ockepy. This settled, the biznis wuz begun. Genral WOOL wuz made +temporary Chairman, to wich honor he responded in a elokent +extemporaneous speech, which he read from manuscript. General EWING made +another extemporaneous address, which he read from manuscript, and we +adjourned for dinner. + +[Illustration: THE CLEVELAND CONVENTION.] + +The dinner hour was spent in caucussin privately in one uv the parlors +uv the hotel. The Chairman asked who shood make speeches after dinner, +wen every man uv em pulled from his right side coat pocket a roll uv +manuscript, and sed he hed dotted down a few ijees wich he hed +conclooded to present extemporaneously to the Convenshun. That Babel +over, the Chairman sed he presoomed some one shood be selected to +prepare a address; whereupon every delegate rose, and pulled a roll uv +manuscript from his left side coat pocket, and sed he hed dotted down a +few ijees on the situashn, wich he proposed to present, et settry. This +occasioned another shindy; wen the Chairman remarked "Resolushens," wen +every delegate rose, pulled a roll uv manuscript from his right breast +coat pocket, and sed he hed jotted down a few ijees, wich, &c. + +I stood it until some one mentioned me ez Chaplin to the expedition +West, when the pressure becum unendurable. They sposed I was keeper uv +the President's conscience, and I hed not a minit's peece after that. In +vain I ashoored em that, there bein no consciences about the White +House, no one could hold sich a offis; in vain I ashoored em that I hed +no influence with His Majesty. Two thirds uv em pulled applicashens for +places they wanted from the left breast coat pocket, and insistid on my +takin em, and seem that they was appinted. I told em that I cood do +nuthin for em; but they laft me to skorn. "You are jist the style uv +man," said they, "who hez inflooence with His Eggslency, and yoo must do +it." Hemmed in, there wuz but one way uv escape, and that way I took. +Seezin a carpet sack, wich, by the way, belonged to a delegate (I took +it to give myself the look of a traveler), I rushed to the depot, and +startid home, entirely satisfied that ef Cleveland may be taken as a +sample, the less His Majesty depends on soljers, the better. + + PETROLEUM V. NASBY, P.M. + (wich is Postmaster), + and likewise late Chaplin to the expedishn. + +P.S. I opened the carpet sack on the train, spectin to find a clean +shirt in it, at least. It contained, to my disgust, an address to be +read before the Cleveland Convention, a set uv resolutions, a speech, +and a petition uv the proprietor thereof for a collectorship, signed by +eight hundred names, and a copy uv the Indiana State Directory for 1864. +The names wuz in one hand-writin, and wuz arranged alphabetically. + + + + +XXXV. + +An Appeal to the People just before the October Elections. + + + POST OFFIS, CONFEDRIT x ROADS + (wich is in the Stait uv Kentucky), + October 1, 1866. + +President Johnson, who hez bin likened to Androo Jaxon, and wich, since +my appintment I conseed him to be, in many partikelers, his sooperior, +requested me and William H. Seward (his secretary and chaplin) to draw +up and publish to the Democracy of the various States holdin elecshuns +this fall an address, or ruther an appeal, firmly beleevin that hed he +extendid his tour to Maine, and isshood an address to em, that that +state wood not hev gone ez it did. William refoozed to take part in the +appeal, sayin that it warnt uv no use, and so the dooty devolved upon +me. + + +DEMOCRATS AND CONSERVATIVES UV THE NORTH: + +Appresheatin the gravity uv the isshoo, I address yoo. The signs uv the +times is ominus. A Radikle Congress, electid durin the time when the +Southin States, wich comprises reely all the intellek uv this people, +didn't take no part in the elekshen, bein too bizzy gettin out uv +Sherman's way to open polls,--a Congress, I repeat, in wich there ain't +no Southern man, and wich consekently kant, by any stretch uv the hooman +imaginashen, be considered Constitooshnel, hez dared to thwart the +President uv the United States, and set up its will agin hisn! I need +skarcely recount its high-handed acts uv usurpashen. It passed a bill +givin rites to niggers, wich, accordin to Scripter (see Onesimus, Ham, +and Hagar, the only three texts in Scripter uv any partikeler account) +and the yoosages uv the Democrisy, ain't got no rites; and the +President, exercisin the high prerogatives put into his hands by the +Constitooshen, vetoed it. Here the matter should hev endid. He hed +expressed, in a manner strikly Constitooshenel, his objecshens to the +measure; and a proper regard for his feelins, and just deference for his +opinions, ought to hev indicated the right course. Here wuz peace +offered this Congres. Here wuz the tender uv a olive branch. The +President didn't want a quarrel with Congres; he didn't desire a +continyooance uv the agitation wich hed shook the country like a +Illinois ager; but he desired Peece. Congres cood hev hed it hed they +only withdrawed their crood noshens uv what wus rite and what wuz wrong; +ratified, ez they shood hev done, sich laws ez the President saw fit to +make: in short, hed they follered the correct rool when we hev a +Demokratic President, and put the Government in his hands, with an +abidin trust in his rectitood and wisdom, we mite hev avoided this +struggle, and thus wood hev bin peaceful. But this reckless Congris, +bent upon consentrating power in its hands instid uv dividin it between +him and Seward, passed the bill over his head, regardlis uv his feelins! +The responsibility for the dissension rests, therefore, with Congres. + +But these questions are altogether too hefty for the Demokratic +intellek, and I fling em out for the considerashen uv the few Post +Masters we get from the Union ranks. To the Dimocrisy I Address myself +more partickerlerly. + +DO YOU WANT TO MARRY A NIGGER? This ishoo is agin before yoo. Are you in +favor uv elevatin the Afrikin to a posishen where he kin be yoor ekal, +or perhaps yoor sooperior? That ishoo is agin before yoo for yoor +decision, only the danger to yoo is increased. The matter has become +threatening; for, disgise it ez we may, thousands uv em kin read, and +they are akkumulatin property, and wearin good clothes to a extent +trooly alarmin to the Dimokratic mind. We hev alluz consoled ourselves +with the soothin reflection that there wuz a race lower down in the +scale uv humanity than us uns. Shall we continue to enjoy that comfort? +That's the question for every Dimokrat to consider when he votes this +fall. Remove the weight uv legal disability, and ten to one ef they +don't outstrip us even, and then where are we goin to look for a race to +look down upon? It's a close thing atween us now; and ez we uv this +generation can't elevate ourselves, why, for our own peece uv mind, we +must,--I repeet it,--MUST pull them down. + +Agin then I repeet, DO YOU WANT TO MARRY A NIGGER? Yoor daughters wunst +carried banners onto wich wuz inskribed that trooly Dimokratic motto, +"White husbands or none!" and in consequence they've bin mostly livin in +the enjoyment uv none. Are they to go back on that holy determinashen to +preserve the Anglo Sackson race on this continent in its purity? Do yoo +want the nigger--the big buck nigger--the flat-footed nigger--the +woolly-headed nigger--the long-heeled nigger--the bow-legged nigger--the +NIGGER--to step up aside uv yoo, and exercise the prerogatives uv +freemeen in this country? Do you want the nigger aforesed to be mayors +uv your towns, with all the hatred they hev towards us? Wat chance, O +Dimokratic dweller in cities! think yoo yoo'd hev if hauled up afore a +nigger mayor on a charge uv disorderly conduct? Wat chance wood yoor +children hev in a skool uv wich all the teechers wuz niggers? Wat chance +wood yoo hev wen arrestid for small misdemeanors, afore nigger judges? + +How, let me ask, in the name of High Heaven, wood yoo like to be tried +for hoss stealin afore a nigger jury? + +"But," say some uv yoo, who, set ravin by drums, and flags, and sich, +went off violently into the war, and wuz, perhaps, saved from starvin by +niggers, "these niggers wuz our friends in the late war--they fought +agin the South!" + +O, wat a deloosion! O, wat blindnis! Troo, they did; and that shows the +danger that's afore us; that lifts the fog from the precipise onto wich +we are standin, and shows us our danger. Wat does this fact prove? It +proves the onreasonableness uv the Nigger--his discontentednis with the +posishen to wich nacher assigned him, and his cussid disposition to +upset the normal condition. The Bible makes him a servant unto his +brethren (see Ham, Hagar, and Onesimus, three blessed texts). Science +proves him to be, not a man, but a beast; and so, take him ez we may, +either ez our brother or ez a beast,--and Dimocrisy, with that +liberality wich hez always distinguished it, gives every man his choice +wich theory to take,--his condition is servitood. But he, with a +cussidness, a perversity wich I never cood understand, flies into the +face uv the Divine decree, flies into the face uv science, and asserts +his independence! He turned agin them ez hed fostered him; turned agin, +in many instances, his own parents (in these instances, for convenience, +the parents adopted the brethren theory), and for an abstract idea +fought agin em. That restlessness under bonds alarmed the Dimocratic +mind. We who owned em under the Skripter (see Onesimus, Hagar, and Ham), +and under the eternal laws uv scientific trooth wuz content with the +arrangement, and why shood they not hev bin? Things wuz normal. They +worked, and we eat; and ef they hed bin content with this ekitable +division uv the labor uv life, all wood hev bin smooth to-day. + +Their takin part agin us at the South, and in favor uv the Federals, is, +instead uv a coz uv feelin good toward em, a source uv oneasiness; +instid uv bein a reason for elevatin uv em, it's my principal reason for +depressin uv em. Sich onsettled minds shood be quieted; this itchin to +raise theirselves shood be crushed out uv em, that Science and Holy Writ +(see Onesimus, Hagar, and Ham) may be vindicated. + +Shel we desert Androo Johnson, after all the trouble he hez bin to in +gettin back to us? Shel we elect a Congres this fall so soaked in +Ablishin--so filled with objeckshuns to our Southern brethren, ez to +refooze to receive em back into the seats which they vacated? Consider! +The Southern Dimokracy hevn't, and don't, lay up nothin agin yoo. They +are willin to forgive and forget. They failed, but they are willin to +forgiv the cause uv the failyoor. They hevn't got the government they +wanted, but they find no fault with that, but are willin to take charge +of the wun they hev bin compelled to live under. Kin they offer fairer? +The fate uv war wuz agin em. Buryin all hard feelins, they extend to us +Chrischen charity, and say, Here we are--take us--give us our old +places. They hev bin chastened. Their household gods hev bin destroyed, +and their temples torn down. Wun neighbor uv mine lost two sons in the +Confedrit army; another son, which he hed refoosed $1500 for in 1860, he +wuz compelled to shoot, coz he wuz bound to run away into the Federal +army; and two octoroons, which he hed a dozen times refoosed $2500 for, +each, in Noo Orleans, he saw layin dead on the steps uv a skool house in +Memphis. Hez he suffered nothin? And yet he is willin to take a seat in +Congress--forgettin all he hez suffered, and forgivin the cause thereof. +What wickedness it is wich would further bruise sich a broken reed! + +Therefore, ez yoo love yourselves and hate the nigger, I implore yoo to +act. Take yoor choice uv the platforms uv the different States--vote ez +a Johnson Unionist, or ez a Democratic Johnsonian--but vote. + +Kentucky holds out her hands appealingly! Kentucky implores yoo to bild +up a bulwark North uv the Ohio River to save what little is left uv pure +Dimocracy there! Kentucky will back yoo in yoor endeavors. Will you heed +her cry? Shel she appeel in vain? Forbid it, Hevin! + + PETROLEUM V. NASBY, P.M. + (wich is Postmaster). + + + + +XXXVI. + +The October Elections.--The Effect the Result produced in Kentucky. + +[Illustration: AFTER THE FALL ELECTION.] + + + CONFEDRIT x ROADS + (wich is in the Stait uv Kentucky), + October 14, 1866. + +There is mournin in Kentucky. The results of the elections in Ohio, +Injeany, Pennsylvany, and Iowa reached me yesterday through a Looisville +paper, wich wuz dropped off the cars at Secessionville, wich is the +nearest station to us, and wich, I hapnin to be there, I picked up. + +Ohio--40,000 Ablishin! + +Injeany--20,000 Ablishin! + +Pennsylvany--20,000 Ablishin! + +Iowa--30,000 Ablishin! + +ABLISHIN! Wat a dreery waste uv Ablishin! Not a single oasis uv +Dimocrisy anywhere,--nary Aryrat on wich our ark kin rest in +safety,--but all around us the mad waves uv Ablishnism rearin their +crestid heads muchly. + +I felt it my dooty to make this fact known to my neighbors; for, sposin +that His Serene Highness' trip wood secure us enuff deestricts to make +the next Congress safe, and consekently make us certin uv admission, +they hed been makin arrangements for restorin things to their normal +condishun, ez they were before the war. + +In fact, two weeks before, in view of the expected success uv the +Democracy, a meetin hed bin held on the subject. Some wuz for at once +seezin the niggers wherever they cood be found, and puttin em at work; +but the conservatives overruled this. They held that slavery hed bin +abolished, and that it ought not be restored; in fact, that, to act in +good faith, it cood not be reestablished. Deekin Pogram announced a +plan. The town authorities shood pass a ordinance for the proper +government uv the niggers. Their good and ourn demanded it. For +instance, they shood not be permitted to be out after 7 o'clock, P.M., +in the evenin; they shoodent leave the plantashen onto wich they wuz +employed; they shood work every day till 7; and to do away with the +pernicious work uv the Freedmen's Bureau, no man and wife wich hed bin +married by a chaplin uv the Bureau, or by any one else, shood be +employed on the same plantashen, and also no father or mother and child. +Sich ez violated these ordinances shood be arrested by anybody, and +fined; and in default uv payment uv the fine and costs, shood be sold to +the person who wood take his or her labor for the shortest number uv +years, and pay the fine and costs aforesed. "Ez a conservative," sed the +Deekin, "I sejest this plan." + +"Do yoo want to know my definition uv the word 'conservative?'" sed Joe +Bigler, a returned Confederate soljer, who, I bleeve, hez seen enough uv +war. "It's a man who goes a roundabout way to do a devlish mean thing. +Deekin, why can't yoo go to the devil by a straight road, ez I do?" + +The interupshen uv the demoralized wretch wuzn't notist; and ez the +trustees uv the township wuz all present, the ordinance wuz passed, and +that night two thirds uv the niggers within five miles uv the Corners +wuz arrested and sold, and within two weeks every one hed bin capcherd. + +I hied me to the Corners, and the first man I saw wuz Bascom, the +grocery keeper, engaged in the congenial biznis uv tappin a barrel uv +contentment, wich he hed just receeved. I wuz a goin to tell him the +dread intelligence, when he caught site uv me. "Taste that, Parson," sed +he, holdin out a tin dipper full. I drank it off, and one look at him +onmand me. "Kin I o'ercloud that smilin cheek?" thot I, ez, in a fit uv +absent-mindednis,--wich I hev every now and then,--I held out the empty +dipper to be filled agin, wich it wuz. "No! for a time he shel be +spared;" and I borrered his mule, and rode away pensively. + +I wuz goin fust to Deekin Pogram's, for he wuz the most interested uv +eny in the settlement. After the meetin mentioned above, the Deekin hed +caused the arrest uv sich niggers ez he cood ketch, and had had em fined +in sums uv $275 and uppards, wich bein unable, ez a rool, to pay the +fine, he hed kindly bid em in. + +He hed picked up, here and there, all uv his old servants, ceptin those +wich hed bin killed in the army, and the few misguided ones wich hed +made their way North, and that mornin the plantashen wuz to be +reconstructed upon the old patriarkle system. Mrs. Deekin Pogram wuz +marshellin four uv the likeliest wenches I ever saw in the kitchen; his +son Tom wuz chuckin a yaller girl under the chin, wich hed bin born on +the place about eighteen years before, and wich, owin to a unfortunate +resemblance to the Deekin, bed caused a onpleasantnis between him and +his wife, wich endid in the loss uv the most uv his hair, and the sellin +uv the girl's mother to Noo Orleans. The two girls hed each their +waitin-maids, and wuz a puttin them through their paces. There hed bin +some trouble in gittin em reconstructed, it bein deemed nessary to take +the conseet out uv em, wich they wuz all a doin. Ez I rode up, the old +lady bed jest knocked one uv em down with a fire-shovel, and wuz dancin +a Highland fling onto her prostrate body. Almira, the oldest gal, hed +her fingers in the wool uv her gal; and tother one wuz a thumpin hern to +redose her to her proper level; and the Deekin hisself wuz a deelin with +one ongrateful wretch, who objected to bein put to work on them terms, +not realizin that the Bureau was gone. Ez the Deekin hed a revolver he +yielded the pint, and submitted to be flogged, wich the Deekin wuz doin +ez neatly ez I ever saw, considerin he hed bin out uv practis four +years. He had him tied up to a tree, and wuz a wollopin uv him gorjus. +While he wuz a convinsin uv him with his whip that there wuz trooth in +the Skripter, and that Ham wuz reely a servant unto his bretherin, I +exclaimed, "Stop!" and immejitly whispered the appallin news in his left +ear (tother one hed bin chawed off in a misunderstandin at Bascom's the +previous Sunday nite, after servis). Never shel I forgit the look uv woe +on that eminent Christian's face. The whip fell from his nerveless hand; +and with teers streemin down his cheeks, washin up little streaks uv +dirt in the most heart-rendin manner, he gasped in a husky voice to the +wife uv his buzzum, "Cut him down, Mirandy! The North's gone Ablishin, +and the d----d niggers will be free anyhow!" and the old patriarch +swooned away at my feet. + +And sich an expression of anguish ez distorted the face uv the Deekin's +wife I hope never to see agin. Droppin the shovel, she stood ez one +petrified, with her foot elevated in mid air, ez in the act uv stompin, +and uttering a shreek wich methinks I hear ringing in my ears yet, she +fell precisely ez she stood, with her leg crooked ez ef 'twuz froze +there. Tom released the gal he wuz subdooin, and mountin his horse rode +off to the Corners without saying a word; and unable to witness the +distress uv that stricken family, I made haste to mount my mule and go +to; while the niggers, feelin that they were wunst more their own men +and women, scattered in every direction. + +"Sich is the froots uv Radikelism," murmured I. "Sich is the bitter cup +fanaticism hez put to our lips;" and castin one lingring look at the +prostrate forms uv the Deekin, his wife (with her foot insensibly +raised), and their two gushin daughters, I spurred the mule, and +departed. + +Wood that every Ablishnist in the North hed seen that site, and wuz +possessed uv a sole to appreshate it! Then would they vote differently. + + PETROLEUM V. NASBY, P.M. + (wich is Postmaster). + + + + +XXXVII. + +The October Elections.--Mr. Nasby's Opinion on the Cause of the Defeat +of the President. + + + CONFEDRIT x ROADS + (wich is in the Stait uv Kentucky), + October 14, 1866. + +I wuz called in haste to Washington to be present at a Cabinet meetin +called to consider the causes uv the onparalleled loosenin uv the +Nashnel Union Johnson Dimekratic party in the various States wich held +elections on the 9th uv October last. There wuz Seward, Wells, +McCulloch, and Randall present; but we missed Raymond and Beecher, they +hevin, I understand, played off onto us. + +The President wuz gloomy. He hedn't anticipated the defeat. He spected +that, hevin showd hisself through all the Northern States, ther ought to +hev ben enthoosiasm enough evolved to hev carried em without trouble. +The fault, he remarked, coodent be with his policy. Ther wuz suthin so +grand, so sublimely simple in it, that it wuz incomprehensible to him +why the people hedn't at once adopted it. "Why, look at it," sed he. "I +offer the people uv the North peace, on the simple condishn uv sayin +nothin more about the war, or the mutual trouble which they found +theirselves into, and rushin into the arms uv their Southern brethren, +and takin uv em back jist ez they went out. How, O! how cood they be so +blind ez to refoose these olive branches?" + +Randall replied that he coodent understand it; but he hed summoned a +Postmaster to attend, wich he hed appinted on his solemn asshoorance +that he cood carry enough Republicans over to our new party to defeat +the Union member in that District, wich he notist by the papers wuz +elected by a larger majority than he hed ever reseeved, and he wuz in +waitin. + +"Bring in the wretch!" shouted the President; and the guard brung him +in. A mizable lookin objick he wuz. Ez soon ez he saw the stern eye uv +the President fixed on him, he sunk to his knees, and lifted up his +hands implorinly, without sayin a word. + +"Speak!" sed the President. "Why the result in yoor Deestrict?" + +"My liege," replied the wretched man, "I know not. Faithfully I labored; +but the people wood come into the house holdin their noses, and set a +holdin uv em so long ez I wuz speekin, wich wuzn't conducive to displays +of oratory. The papers wood publish my own utterances six months before, +wich confused me somewhat; and the ablishnists would read at me yoor +speeches, wich I coodent akkount for. I seekoored for yoo suthin like a +dozen votes; but they wuz them ez stipulated for places under me, and I +hed hard work to git em from the Union party, and they wuz sich ez did +us more harm than good. And besides--" + +"Enuff!" sed Johnson, "Remove him." + +And the poor fellow wuz bundled out. + +Secretary Welles knowd wat wuz the matter. It come uv takin Grant and +Farrygut along on the excursion. It distracted the attention uv the +people. Hed there bin nobody but the President and the Cabinet along, +there woodent hev bin nobody to hurrah for, and the sublime trooths, +wieh the President kin only jerk, wood hev impressed the people more +than they did. + +Seward wuz confident that the election wood hev bin all right cood it +hev bin postponed ninety days; while McCullock attribooted it to the +limited knowledge the masses hed uv Injeany bankin. + +I wuz rekested to give my views, wich I did. + +"My lords," sed I, "none uv you hev got the ijee. We wuz beet because we +left the landmarks--that's wat ailed us, wuz the anshent landmarks. Wat +hed we to go into this canvass with? Democrisy? Not any; for that wuz +squelched at Philadelphia. Wat then? Why, the offises. Offises, in the +abstract, is good. That little one which I hold in Kentucky I coodent be +indoost to part with on no account; but yoo can't run a party on em, +because there ain't enough uv em. + +"My liege, on my return from the Philadelphia Convention I tarried a +while in Berks county, which is in Pennsylvania, and is distinguished +for the unanimity with which they vote Democracy. My liege, they learned +down there mor'n six weeks ago that the war wuz over, and therefore yoo +coodent stir em up on drafts. Taxes they had got used to, and that +didn't move em; and so the speaker wuz emptyin school-houses by talkin +uv the results uv a glorious war, wich they all opposed, and praisin our +mutual friend Seward, wich they had alluz hated as a Ablishnist, and +hedn't heerd yet that he had jined the Demokracy. Wuz it any wonder that +we went under? Ther ain't but one thing left to us, and that we +strangely neglected. My liege, why wuz the NIGGER not made the central +figger this year, ez before? They is the capital uv the Democrisy, its +refuge, its tower of strength. I spoke in Berks county myself, following +one of them new-fangled Democrats, who hed set em all asleep talkin +stuff to em that they didn't understand. Mountin the rostrum, I +ejaculated,-- + +"'MEN AND BRETHREN, DO YOO WANT TO MARRY A NIGGER?' + +"'No! no!' they answered, straightenin up towunst. + +"'Do you want niggers for sons-in-law?' + +"'No! no!' + +"'Do you want laws to prevent you from marryin niggers?' + +"'Yes! yes!' + +"'Do you want to be marched up to the polls by those who tell you how to +vote, beside a nigger?' + +"'No! no!' + +"'Then vote the Demekratic ticket.' And they all replied,-- + +"'We will! we will!' and they did. You see, your Exslency, the +Demekratic mind isn't hefty enough to comprehend them fine arguments ez +to constitootinality, et setry; and when a speaker deals in em, they +suspect his Dimocrisy, and fight shy uv him. But nigger they kin all +understand. It's soothin to the Dimekratic mind to be continyooally told +that there is somebody lower down in the skale. They desire a inferior +race, and therefore hev bin pullin the nigger down toward em for years. +Did yoo not notis whenever we went it on the nigger we succeeded in +awakenin an enthoosiasm, wich, when we neglected him, or selected other +issues, we failed to get? + +"It's based upon philosophical trooths. The poorer and meaner a man is, +the more anxious he is to hev it understood that there's somebody still +poorer and meaner than him. Hence, you notis, that them individooals who +see a 5 cent peese so seldom ez to not know its nacher, and who keep the +flag uv distress wavin from the seat uv their pants,--who, ef niggers +wuz sellin at a cent a peese, coodent raise enough to buy the toe nail +uv one,--is the most ardent friends of Slavery. + +"That pitiful man wich jest left the presence wuz not to blame for the +result in his Deestrick. He tried to earn his bread; but wat cood he do? +The Ablishnists knowd he wuz bought with a price, and laffed at him. The +Democrisy, sich ez voted, we'd hev got anyhow. Them ez didn't vote, nor +do nothin, wuz the upper class, wich expected the offises themselves, +and wuz disgusted accordinly. + +"My liege, I hev spoke. Yoo can't do nothin with a new party; for yoo +kin only git the Dimocrisy to jine it, and they won't do it onless the +offises is throwd in. Yoo can't run the Dimocrisy on only one issue, and +that's the nigger; for it's all they kin understand. So long ez the +nigger exists, Dimocrisy endoors; when the race becomes extinct, the +party dies. The two is indissolubly bound together; one wuz created for +tother, and tother for one. When Noah cust Ham he laid the foundashens +uv Dimocrisy. Ham wuz turned into a nigger because Noah got intoxicated. +His misfortune originated with wine; and whisky, wich is the modern +substitoot therefor, bein the motive power uv Dimocrisy, hez bin +persekutin him ever sence. I attriboot the decline uv the Dimocrisy to +the bleachin out uv the Afrikin, and that's why I oppose amalgamashen. +Yoo can't hate a mulatter only half ez much ez yoo kin a full-blood; and +it will be observed that the intensity uv Demokricy has decreased +precisely in proportion to the scarcity uv pure blacks. Thus Demokrisy +is committin suicide; it hez bin the means uv its own destruction. + +"I don't know ez there's eny yoose uv talkin. The Congressmen elected +this fall continyoo in offis, my liege, jist precisely ez long ez yoo +do, to a day, and by that time they'll hev it all fixed. Noo York may +change in our favor, but I think not. The break commenst in Maine, and +it increased as it progressed. We're gone in. The Ablishnists laughs in +glee, and the nigger shows all his ivories. We shel hold our places two +years, and then farewell to our greatness. + +"I pity yoo, my lord; but I can't help yoo. Ez for myself, I kin save +enuff out uv my Post Offis to start a small grocery at the expiration uv +my term, and then farewell politics. In that pleasant callin I'll flote +down the stream uv Time, until Death closes the polls, and ends the +struggle. I hev sed." + +The Conference ended with this: for they wuz all too much affected to +say anything. Seward murmered suthin about it would be all right in +sixty days; that there wuz no denyin that the people wuz happy; but no +one paid any attention to him. I went home, leavin em all in tears. + + PETROLEUM V. NASBY, P.M. + (wich is Postmaster). + + + + +XXXVIII. + +"Will you have Andrew Johnson President or King?"--A Dream, in which +Andrew Johnson figures as a King, surrounded by his Nobles. + + + CONFEDRIT x ROADS + (wich is in the Stait uv Kentucky), + October 24, 1866. + +Dreams is only vouchsafed to persons uv a imaginative and speritooal +nacher, uv whom I am which. Ther aint anything gross or sensual about me +that I know uv. Troo I eat pork, but that is to offset the effex uv +whisky, wich, ef twasn't counteracted, wood make me entirely too +etherial for this grovelin world. I eat pork, to restrain my exuberant +imaginashun, and enable me to come down to the dry detail uv offish'l +life--to fit me for the proper discharge uv my dooties ez a Postmaster. +Whiskey lifts me above the posishun--pork brings me back agin. It's fat +and greasy, like the pay and perquisites uv the Postmaster--it comes +from the most nasty, senseless, and unclean uv animals, like our +commishuns--in short, I recommend all uv Johnson's Postmasters to eat +pork. It's ther nateral diet. + +Last nite I partook uv a pound or so too much, and ez a consekence, +didn't sleep well. While I wuz eatin (moistnin my lips with Looisville +conslation the while), I wuz a musin onto Seward's question, whether +they wood hev Johnson President or King, and while musin I fell in2 the +arms uv Morfus. My mind bust loose from the body and sored. Ez I sunk to +slumber, the narrow room, wich is at wunst my offis and dormitory, +widened and enlarged, the humble chairs become suddenly upholstered in +gorgus style, the taller dip become multiplied into thousands uv gorgus +chandileers, the portraits uv His Highness the President, and the other +Democrats on the wall, became alive. I comprehended the situation to +wunst. ANDROO JOHNSON had cut the Gorjan knot with someboddy's sword, +and hed carried out his Policy to its nateral concloosion. He was King, +and wuz reignin under the title uv ANDROO THE I., and I wuz (in my dreem +uv course) in his kingly halls. + +It wuz, methawt, a reception nite. His High Mightiness wuz a sittin onto +a elevated throne, covered with red velvet, and studded with diamonds, +and pearls, and onyxs, and other precious stones--onto his head wuz a +crown, and he wuz enveloped into a robe uv black velvet, his nose and +the balance uv his face gleaming out like a flash uv litenin from a +thunder cloud. Lyin prostrate at the foot uv the throne, doin the offis +uv a footstool, wuz Charles Sumner, wunst Senator, wich wuz typikle uv +the complete triumph we hed won over our enemies; while doin other +menial offices about the halls, wuz Wade, Wilson, Fessenden, Sherman, +and others who hed opposed the change from a Republic to a Kingdom. They +wuz clothed in a approprit costoom, knee breeches and sich, and +presented a pekoolyerly imposin appearance. + +Carriages containing the nobility began to arrive, and ez they entered, +the Grand High Lord Chamberlin uv the Palis, the Markis von Randall, +announct em. "Dook de Davis!" was ejackelatid, and Jeffson entered. +"Earl von Toombs," "Sir Joseph E. Johnston," "Markis de Bouregard," +"Count de Pollard," and so forth. + +Noticin that the titles I hed heerd wuz mostly tacked to Southern men, I +asked Giddy Welles, who wuz standin by, why it wuz thus, and he sed that +Northners wuzn't reely fit for it. We wuz, he said, a low, grovlin race, +and coodent adapt ourselves to the habits uv nobility. The South wuz +shivelrus, and cood do it. They wuz given to tournaments and sich--they +hed got accustomed to cirkus clothes, and cood wear a sword without its +gettin awkwardly between the legs. Northern men, sich ez were faithful, +wuz allowed to barsk in the smiles uv royalty, but it wuz in sich +positions ez sooted their capacity. He, for instance, hed charge uv the +royal poultry yard, a position which he bleved he filled to the entire +satisfaction uv his beloved and royal master. He hed now four hens a +settin, each on four eggs, and he hoped in the course uv two years, ef +there wuz no adverse circumstances, to hev fresh eggs for the royal +table. It wuz a position uv great responsibility, and one wich weighed +upon him. Seward wuz privy counsler, Doolittle wuz steward uv the +household, and Thurlow Weed wuz Keeper uv the King's revenue, and wuz a +doin very well indeed. + +By this time the company assembled. His Highness wuz in a merry mood, +and unbendid hisself. Ther wuz a knot uv the nobility gathered in a +corner, and after a earnest interview uv a minnit, Count Von Cowan +advanced to the foot uv the throne, and on bendid knee demanded a boon. + +"What, my faithful servitor, dost thou most desire?" sed His Highness. + +"We wood, Your Majesty, hev the prisoners uv state brot into the +presence, that we may make merry over 'em." + +"It shel be done," sed His Majesty, and forthwith Baron von Steedman, +who hed command uv the King's Household Body Guard, wuz sent for them. +In a moment they wuz brot in. They wuz a mizable lookin set. Forney and +Wendell Phillips wuz chained together, Fred Douglass and Anna Dickinson, +Dick Yates and Gov. Morton, Ben Butler and Carl Shurz, Kelly and Covode, +while Chase wuz tied to Horis Greely, onto whose back wuz a placard, +inscribed, "The last uv the Tribunes;" at wich Raymond, who left the +Radikels and declared for the empire at precisely the rite time, and wuz +now editor of the _Court Journal_, laffed immodritly. Some one +exclaimed, "Bring in Thad Stevens!" at wich His Majesty turned pale, and +his knees smote together. "Don't, don't!" sez he; "he's strength enuff +left to wag his tongue. Keep him away! keep him away!" and he showed ez +much fear ez men do in delirum tremens when they see snakes. + +Methawt I made inquiries, and found that things wuz workin satisfactory. +Gen. Grant wuz in exile, and Gen. Sheridan hed bin decapitatid for +refoosin to acquiesce in the new arrangement. The country hed bin +divided into dookdoms and earldoms, and sich, over wich the nobility +rooled with undispooted authority. The principal men uv the North hed +been capcherd and subdooed, and wuz a fillin menial positions in the +palaces uv the nobility. No Lord or Dook or Earl considered himself well +served onless he hed a half dozen Northern Congressmen in his house, +while the higher grade uv nobility wuzn't content with anythin less than +Guvners. The indebtednis uv the South to the North hed bin adjustid. A +decree hed bin ishood to the effect that Northern merchants who shood +press a claim agin a Southerner shood be beheaded and his goods +confistikated. The question uv slavery hed bin settled forever, for the +Dimekratic ijee uv one class to serve and one class to be served wuz +fully establisht. There wuz now three classes uv society, the hereditary +nobility, the untitled officials, and the people; the latter, black and +white, wuz all serfs, and all attached to the soil. Biznis wuz all done +by foreigners, the policy uv the government bein to make the native born +people purely agricultural peasantry. The nobility, desirin to make it +easy for em, giv em one sixth uv the produx uv the soil, reservin the +balance for their own uses. + +My dreem didn't continyoo long enuff for me to ascertain whether I wuz a +nobleman or not, but I am uv the opinion that I wuz, for a servant, +handin me a pin to stick into Gen. Butler to make him roar for the +amoozement of the company, addressed me ez "Yoor Grace," from wich I +inferred that I wuz one uv of the Lords spiritooal. Unfortunitly at this +pint I awoke, and a sad awakenin it wuz. The gorjus halls hed vanished, +the chandeleers hed vanished, the robes uv stait and jewels and sich wuz +gone, and I wuz in my offis, not "Yoor Grace," but merely a Postmaster +in a Kentucky village! Well, that is suthin. Wat better is a nobleman? +He don't work, neither do I. He drinks wine, it is troo; but I hev wat +soots me better--whiskey fresh from the still. Yet my dreem may be +realized, and ef it is, I will endevoor to fill the position with +credit. Who knows? + + PETROLEUM V. NASBY, P.M. + (wich is Postmaster). + + + + +XXXIX. + +A Cabinet Meeting.--Letters from Rev. Henry Ward Beecher, General Custar, +Henry J. Raymond, and Hon. John Morrissey, each anxious to Preserve his +Reputation.--A Sad Time at the White House. + + + CONFEDRIT x ROADS + (wich is in the Stait uv Kentucky), + November 7, 1866. + +I wuz called to Washington by our patron Saint, the President, to +comfort his wounded sperit. There ain't no disguisin the fact,--the +sperit of Androo Johnson is wounded. He hez endoored the slings and +arrers uv more outrajus fortune than any other man who hez lived sence +the days uv Hamlick; more, indeed, than Hamlick endoored, twict over. +Hamlick's father wuz pizoned, and his mother married agin afore her +mournin clothes wuz wore out--suthin no savin, prudent woman would do; +but what wuz that to wat A. JOHNSON endoors every day? Nothin. + +The cabinet meetin to wich I wuz summoned wuz called for the purpose uv +sheddin a tear or two over the election returns, and to consider a +variety uv letters wich His Eggscellency hed receeved within a few days. +I may remark that the cabinet hed a gloomy and mildewed look. + +The fust wuz from Rev. Henry Ward Beecher. Mr. Beecher remarked that he +had the highest possible respeck for the offis wunst held by the good +Washinton, the great Adams, and the sainted Linkin. He omitted remarkin +anythin about Peerce and Bookanan, out uv regard for the feelins uv the +present incumbent, wich, ef he hed read History correct, wuz a ardent +supporter uv the Administrashens uv both of them men, wich he considered +stains upon the pages uv American history wich he cood wish mite be +obliterated. But wat he desired to say wuz, that he hed a higher regard +for the good opinion uv mankind in general than he hed for the good +opinion uv the accidental incumbent uv any offis; and ez he hed, in a +hour uv temporary mental aberrashen, wich hed happily passed, endorsed +the Administrashen, wich insanity hed worked evil unto him, he rekested, +ez a simple act uv justice, that the President shood cause it to be +known that he (Beecher) wuz not considered by the Administrashen ez a +supporter thereof. + +"I do this," sed the writer, "becoz the impression that I am in the +confidence uv yoor Eggslency, wich is onfortunately abroad, hez +seriously DAMAGED MY REPUTASHEN. + + "Trooly yoors," et settry. + +The readin uv this letter wuz follered by a minit uv profound silence, +wich wuz broken by the President. + +"Let him pass," sed the great man who hez the despensin uv the post +offisis, "let him pass. But here is another," sed he, bustin into teers; +"read that." + +It wuz from Gen. Custar, him uv the yaller hair, wich hed some +reputashen doorin the war ez a cavalry commander. It wuz to the same +effect. He hed, when he spozd that the policy uv the President, wich he +esteemed ez he must any man who held the exalted position wunst okkepied +by the good Washinton, the great Jefferson, and the sainted Linkin-- + +"The ongrateful dog doesn't respect ME!" sed Androo; "it's the offis I +fill;" and he bust into a fresh flood. + +--When he spozed the President's policy wuz sich ez a soljer and patriot +cood endorse, he endorsed it. But he diskivered that it led him, back +foremost, into company wich, doorin the late war, he hed alluz visited +face foremost and on hossback; and therefore, to SAVE HIS REPUTASHUN, he +must beg that the President wood give it out that he (Gen. Custar) wuz +not, nor never hed bin, a supporter uv his policy, and oblige + + Yoors trooly, ez before. + +I wuz too hart-broken at this to make any reply, and Cowan and Doolittle +wuz in the same fix. The Kernelcy wich wuz given to Custar to keep him +in posishen hed bin promised to a Demokratic captin, who wuz led by a +company in the first Bull Run fight, and who threw up in disgust the +next day, not likin the manner in wich the war wuz bein conducted; but +now the Kernelcy wuz gone, and Custar too; and wat wuz worse, there wuz +no sich thing to be thot uv ez dismissin him. The entire company +yoonited in minglin their teers. + +The next letter wuz read by Seward, ez it wuz addressed to him. It wuz +from Raymond. He opened with the remark that for the Presidential office +he hed the highest respeck. Aside from the considerashen that it hed bin +wunst okkepied by the good Washinton, the great Adams, and the sainted +Linkin, the President mite be considered the Father of his country, +hevin so large a number of helpless children to provide for; and +besides, he hed a instinctive respeck for the dispenser of anything. It +wuz difficult for him, bein a open and simple-minded man, not to adhere +to the President; but-- + +"Good Heavens!" shreeked Johnson, "that little fox ain't a goin to speak +uv HIS reputashen!" + +"Dooty requires the reedin uv the entire dockeyment, painful to my +feelins ez it may be," sed Seward. "He concloods thusly:-- + +"'I am forced to ask yoo, ez one enjoyin confidenshel relations with Him +who occupies the Presidenshel chair, to hev it given out that I stand in +opposition to him. A doo REGARD FOR MY REPUTASHEN impels me to this +course. I remain + + "'Yoors Trooly.'" + +There wuz 2 or three more. Gen. Carey uv Ohio, requested the President +to remove him from his Collectorship, ez the holdin uv it wuz INJOORIN +HIS REPUTASHEN. A editor out West, who wuz sedooced into takin a Post +Offis, begged to hev it taken off his hands, that he might save his +circulashen before it wuz everlastinly too late. And finally we come to +wun, the seal uv wich wuz a coat-uv-arms--bull dog rampant, bowie-knife +couchant, supported by trottin horses, on a field uv green cloth. It wuz +from Hon. John Morrisey, who hed jest ben elected to Congress in Noo +York. + +Mr. Morrisey remarked that, ez one uv the pillars uv the Democrasy, he +felt he hed a rite to speek. He wished it to be understood that he +washed his hands uv any connection with Johnson or his party. He hed +seed a lite. In States where the Democrasy, uv wich he wuz a piller, hed +tied themselves to Johnson, they hed gone down to a prematoor grave. +Respeck for the high offis restrained him from sayin that the Democrasy +coodent carry sich a cussid load; but he wood say that the result uv the +election in Noo York, where they dependid solely on muscle and nigger, +wich is the reel Democratic capital, and succeeded, while where the +Democrasy wuz loaded down with Johnsonianism, they failed, satisfied him +that the President wuz a inkubus. He sed this with all doo respeck for +the offis. Mr. Morrisey further remarked that he hed also personel +reasons for makin this request. He commenced in a humble position, and +hed filled the public eye long enuff to satisfy his modist ambishen. He +hed walloped Sullivan and Heenan; he hed owned the fastest horses, and +won more money at faro than any man in Amerika. His ambishen wuz +satisfied, so fur ez he wuz concerned; but he hoped to leave behind him, +for his infant son (wich wuz only twelve years uv age, and wich hed a +development uv intelleck and muscle remarkable for one so tender, havin +already walloped every boy in the skool to wich he wuz a goin), he +desired to leave that son a honorable name. It hed bin given out that he +wuz a supporter uv the individooal who okkepied the Presidenshel offis, +and it wuz injoorin him. He wished that stigma removed. A REGARD FOR HIS +REPUTASHEN forced him to insist upon it. + +And this epistle wuz dooly signed, + + his + JOHN x MORRISSEY, M.C. + mark. + +There wuz silence in the Cabinet. This last stroke intensified the gloom +wich hed settled onto the Government; and ez I turned my tear-bedewed +eyes, I saw the great drops coursin down the cheeks uv every one +present. Mr. Seward retired without sayin anythin about ninety days, and +one by one they all departed. + +It wuz a solemn time. There wuz other letters yet to be read, but no one +hed the heart to open em. I made a move in that direckshun, but Androo +prevented me. "I'm sick," murmured he, in a husky voice, which showed +that his hart wuz peerced. "Help me to bed." I saw the great man bury +his intellectool head beneath the snowy kivrin uv his oneasy couch, all +but the nose, which in him is the thermometer uv the sole, and which +accordinly glowed, not with the yoosooal brilliant hue, but with a dull, +dead, and ghastly bloo. Noticin the convulsive heavins uv the kivers, +which betrayed the agitashen uv the breast beneath, I whispered in his +ear, ez I handed him his nite drink uv rye whisky flavored with bourbon, +that he hed one hold, ez Delaware hed sustained him. A flush uv +satisfaction passed over his nose, but it subsided in an instant. +"Troo," gasped he, "it's ourn now; but before the next election a couple +uv them Massachoosits ablishnists will buy the cussid State, and +re-people it to soot em;" and he gave a convulsive gasp, and sank into a +troubled slumber. + +It wuz a tetchin occasion. + + PETROLEUM V. NASBY, P.M. + (wich is Postmaster). + + + + +XL. + +A Sermon upon the November Elections, from the Text, "No man putteth New +Wine into Old Settles" with a Digression or Two. + + + CONFEDRIT x ROADS + (wich is in the Stait uv Kentucky), + November 16, 1866. + +When the news uv the result of the Illinoy election reached the Corners, +there wuz a feelin uv oneasiness wich was trooly affectin; but when the +crushin intelligence arove that Hoffman wuz beeten in Noo York, there +wuz a prostration wich wuz only ekalled when the intelligence of Lee's +surrender reached us. We expected defeat in Illinoy, and some uv the +other States, but we hed hopes that Noo York wood go Dimocratic, that +His Eggslency mite hev some show uv backin by the people, and +consekently some excoose for continyooin to enforce his policy. But that +hope wuz taken from us, and uv the entire populashen, I wuz the only one +who hed suffishent stamina to preserve the semblance uv cheerfulness, +and that wuz only on akkount uv my hevin the Post Offis. Elections can't +take that from me: it is a rock wich the waves uv popler indignashen +can't wash away, thank the Lord! for ef they cood, how many uv us wood +to-day be holdin our places? Still, I felt overwhelmed, and sorrowfully +I entered Bascom's. There, with their heads bowed in sorrer, and tears +flowin from their venrable eyes, sot Deekin Pogram, Elder Slathers, and +a few others uv the Saints, who, ez I entered, mekanikally rose, and +stood afore the bar; mekanikally Bascom, who wuz likewise bowed down +with greef, sot out the invigorator; mekanikally we dosed ourselves, and +still in a daze, mekanikally I moved out without payin, Bascom bein too +full uv sorrer to notis it. + +It wuz deemed proper, in view uv the great calamity, that services shood +be held in the church, and at 2 P.M., wich with us mite be sed to mean +post mortem, we slowly and sadly filed in, the only smilin countenance +in site bein that uv a nigger at the door, who wuz to-wunst beltid over +the head for lookin happy. + +I gave out the hymn,-- + + "Broad is the road wich leeds to death,"-- + +and it wuz sung with tetchin pathos. After the weepin hed subsided, +and I got my feelings calmed down so ez to permit me to speek, I +commenst explainin to em the causes uv the result. It wuz, I sed, a +chastenin sent onto us for our sins; a stripin becoz we hed exalted our +horn in our pride; that, gloryin in the possession uv the post offices, +the collectorships, the assessorships, and sich, we hed become +vain-glorious and puffed up, and careless in performance uv dooties. +Ther wuz niggers in Kentucky a goin about free, and impiously settin at +naught the decrees uv Providence, wich condemned em to be servants uv +their brethren; and heer I digressed to eloocydate a pint. I hed seen +stricters in a Boston paper onto the common practice uv amalgamashen in +the South, wich paper held up the practis to the condemnashen uv pious +men. "My brethren," sed I, "them Boston Ablishnists hev no cleer +understandin uv the Skripter. When Ham wuz cust by Noar, wat wuz that +cuss? '_He shel be a servant unto his brethren._' Not unto strangers; +not unto the Philistine, or the Girgeshite, or the Millerite, but unto +his brethren! How cood he be servant unto his brethren except thro +amalgamashen? Onless we amalgamated with em, how wood the male niggers +be our brethren? O, my brethren! we wuz obliged to do these things, that +the Skripters mite be fulfilled; and to the credit uv the Southern +people, be it sed, that they never shrunk from the performance uv dooty. +The per cent. uv yeller niggers in this State attests how faithful +Kentucky hez bin." + +But to resoom. We hev sinned in permittin skools to come in, and unfit +um for their normal and skriptural condishen; but these is not all. My +brethren, go to Esq. McGavitt's, and get the township Bible, and search +till yoo find this yer tex:-- + + "And no man puttith new wine into old bottles, else the new + wine doth bust the bottles, and the wine is spilled." + +My brethren, wich is the bottles? The Dimocrisey, uv course; and the +most uv em may be considered old ones. We hev actid as bottles, carrying +about flooids--not percisely wine, but the modern substitoot +therefor--from our earliest infancy. Wich is new wine? The Ablishnists +wich follered Johnson, uv course. New wine is frothy; so wuz they. New +wine fizzes; so did they. New wine hez strength for a minnit; so hed +they. New wine is unreliable; so wuz they. At Philadelphy the puttin uv +this new wine into old bottles wuz accomplished; at that accursed place +anshent Dimocrisy, wich beleeves in Ham and Hagar, met and fell onto the +nex uv Seward and Doolittle, wich invented Ablishinism, and we mingled +our teers together; the new wine wuz put into the venerable old bottle +uv Dimocrisy, and notwithstandin we hooped it with Federal patronage, it +busted, and great wuz the bust thereof; and the fragments uv the bottles +wuz prone onto the earth, and the new wine is runnin round permiscus. So +wuz the Skripter fulfilled. + +And, my brethren, while yoo are at the Squire's huntin up that tex, keep +on till yoo find another, to wit:-- + + "No man also seweth a piece uv old cloth onto a new garment, + else the new piece that filleth it up taketh it away from the + old, and the rent is made worse." + +My hearers, Democrisy went to Philadelphy in a soot uv gray, wich it hed +bin a wearin for five years. It wuz trooly old, and ther wuz greevious +rents in it, made mostly by bayonets, and sich. O, why wuzn't we content +to wear it? Why wuz we not satisfied with it? Agin wuz the Skripters +fulfilled. We patched up the Confedrit gray with Federal blue; we put +onto the back, Seward; onto the knees, Randall; onto the shoulders, +Cowan; and onto the seat, Johnson, and they wuz stitched together with +Post Offisis. But it didn't hold. The Skripters wuz fulfilled; the old +cloth wuz rotten, and one by one patches fell off, somewhat dirtied, and +takin with em a part uv the old, and the rents is bigger than before. +Our coat is busted at the elbows, our pants is frayed round the bottoms, +out at the knees, and from behind the flag uv distress waveth drearily +in the cold wind. + +My brethren, we will succeed when we stick to our integrity. Wat wuz the +yoose uv our assoomin what we did not hev? Wat wuz the sence uv our +askin our people to vote for Kernels for Congris wich hed, doorin the +war, drafted their sons? Wat wuz the yoose uv talking Constooshnel +Amendments to men who spozed that Internal Improvements and a Nashnel +Bank wuz still the ishoo? Wat wuz the yoose uv lettin go our holt on +nigger equality, wich is the right bower, left bower, and ace uv the +Democrisy,--its tower uv strength, its anker and cheefest trust, and +wich is easy uv comprehension, and eminently adapted to the Democratic +intelleck,--and takin up questions wich will all be settled ten years +afore they begin to comprehend em? In breef, wat wuz the sense, my +brethren, in puttin new wine into old bottles?--uv patchin old cloth +with new? Let us be warned; and never repeet the fatle error. + +The congregashen dispersed somewhat sadly, but ez they gathered at +Bascom's to discuss the sermon, I wuz gratified at observin a visible +improvement in their temper. Bascom hisself bussled around lively; +Deekin Pogram remarked that probably it wuz unskriptooral to put new +wine into old tubs, but ez he didn't hev an ijee; that the prohibishen +extendid to new whisky, he'd resk it, bust or no bust, and he pizened +hisself very much in the old style, and Elder Slather and Kernel +McPelter so far recovered their sperits ez to hang the nigger I menshend +in the beginnin ez lookin pleased at the church. The Corners is rapidly +gettin itself agin. + + PETROLEUM V. NASBY, P.M. + (wich is Postmaster). + + + + +XLI. + +A Few Last Words.--The Writer hereof bids his Readers Farewell, and +hurls a Trifle of Exhortation after them. + + + CONFEDRIT x ROADS + (wich is in the Stait uv Kentucky), + November 19, 1866. + +Poets hev remarked a great many times, too tejus to enoomerate, that +"farewell" is the saddistist word to pronounce wich hez to be pronounst. +It may be so among poets, wich are spozd to be a continyooally carryin +about with em a load uv sadnis, and sensibilities, and sich; but I hev +never found it so. The fact is, it depends very much on how yoo say it, +under wat circumstances, and to whom. Wen, in my infancy, I wuz +inkarseratid in the common jail uv my native village, in Noo Gersey, a +victim to the prejudisis uv twelve men, who believed, on the unsupportid +testimony uv three men, and the mere accident uv the missin property +bein found in my possession (notwithstandin the fact that I solemnly +asshoored em that I didn't know nothin about it, and if I did it, it +must hev bin in a somnamboolic state), that I hed bin guilty uv bustin +open a grosery store, and takin twelve boxes uv cheroot cigars, I +asshoor yoo that, at the end uv the sentence,--hevin bin fed on bread +and water,--the sayin of farewell to the inhuman jailer wuzn't at all +onpleasant. Likewise, when, in the State uv Pennsylvany, in the +eggscitin campane uv 1856, I votid twict or four times for that eminent +and gilelis patriot, Jeems Bookannon, and wuz hauled up therefor, and +sentenced by a Ablishn Judge to a year in the Western Penitentiary, +after an elokent speech, in wich I reviewed the whole question at issue +between the parties, and ashoored him that my triflin irregularity in +the matter uv votin grew out uv an overweenin desire for the salvashen +uv my beloved country,--that, feelin that rooin wuz ahead uv us, onless +that leveler Fremont wuz defeated, I felt that my conshence wood not be +easy onless I did all in my power to ayert the evil,--when I emerged +from them gloomy walls, with one soot uv close, and a tolable knowledge +uv the shoemakin biznis, wuz it a sad thing for me to say "Farewell" to +the grim jailer, whose key turned one way wuz liberty, and tother way +captivity? Nary. + +These two instances, I beleeve, is the only ones in wich I hev ever hed +to say farewell. In the course uv my long and checkered career (I do not +here allood to the style uv clothin in the Penitentiary), I am, when I +think uv it, surprised at the comparatively few times wich I ever left a +place at wich I hed bin stayin, in daylite! I ginerally went in the +nite,-- + + "Foldin my tent like the Arab, + And ez silently steelin away," + +hevin too much sensibility to be an onwillin witnis uv the agony uv +landladies, when they diskivered that I cood not pay. Knowin the softnis +uv my heart, I hev alluz hed a great regard for my feelins. + +Still, I feel some disinclinashen to commence sayin Farewell at this +time. I wood like to continyoo this work. Methinks I wood like to go on +pilin up pages ontil the Dimocrisy uv the Yoonited States wuz thoroughly +indoctrinatid with _my_ Dimocrisy. But it is impossible. + +I bid my readers farewell in a period uv gloom rarely ekalled, and never +surpast, for the Democrisy. Never in my recollekshun wuz the party in +sich a state uv abject cussitood. The Northern States hev slipt from our +grasp one by one, ontil none remains wich we kin fondly call ourn. The +Border States are losin their Dimocrisy, and rallyin under the black +banner uv Ablishinism; and the ten States which we kin control +onfortinitly ain't got no voice in the Guvment. From the mountin tops uv +Maine, and the level pararies uv Illinoy, the remnants uv the Dimocrisy +holler to us uv the South, "Be firm! we'll stand by yoo!" and from the +rich cotton fields uv the South the Dimocrisy holler to them uv the +North, "Keep up yoor sperits! we are troo to yoo!" all uv wich is very +cheerin, when them uv the North is in sich a hopelis minority ez to be +unable to elect a township constable, and them in the South hain't got +no vote at all! + +I appeal, however, with the rest uv the leaders, to the Dimocrisy to +remain firm. Suthin will come in time,--what, I can't, with any degree +uv certinty, now state; but suthin will come. The Ablishnists cannot +alluz rool. The cuss uv the old Whig party wuz, that the respective +individooal members thereof cood read and write, and hed a knack uv doin +their own thinkin, and therefore it cood not be brot into that state uv +dissipline so nessary to success ez a party. That same cuss is a hangin +onto the Ablishnists. They hung together from 1856 to 1860 coz there wuz +wat they called a prinsipple at stake; and on that prinsipple they +elected Linkin. They wood hev fallen to peeces then, but our Southern +brethren decided to commence operashens for the new goverment it hed so +long desired; and the overwhelmin pressur uv the war smothered all miner +ishoos and all individooal feelin, and they hung together long enough to +see that throo. Now, still for the principle wich welded em doorin the +war, they are holdin together yit, and probably will ontil they think +this question wich they are disposin of is disposed of. Then they will +split up, and our openin is made. We hev a solid phalanx, wich they +can't win over or detach from us. We hev them old veterans who voted for +Jaxon, and who are still votin for him. We hev them sturdy old yeomanry +who still swear that Bloo Lite Fedralism ought to be put down, and can't +be tolerated in a Republikin Goverment, and who, bless their old souls! +don't know no more what Bloo Lite Fedralism wuz than an unborn baby does +uv Guy Fawkes. We hev that solid army uv voters whose knees yawn +hidjusly, and whose coats is out at elbows, and whose children go +barefoot in winter, while their dads is a drinkin cheap whiskey, and +damin the Goverment for imposin a income tax. We hev the patriotic +citizins whose noses blossom like the lobster, and who live in mortal +fear uv nigger ekality; and we hev John Morrissey's constitooents. + +These classes argyment won't move, and reasonin won't faze. They like to +abooze the Goverment for levyin taxes, hopin to deseeve somebody into +the idea that they pay taxes, and that it bears hard onto em; and they +oppose nigger ekality becoz it soothes em, like laudnum, to think that +there is somebody in the country lower down than themselves. The +Dimocrisy alluz hed these, and alluz will. + +Ez I remarked, the Ablishnists, when releeved uv the pressure now bearin +onto em, will grow fractious, and split, and these classes will hev no +trouble to git into a majority, and then our time comes. + +The discouraged Dimokrat may say that preechers, and noosepapers, and +Sundy skools, and sich, are underminin their party. In time they will, +but not yet. There is still whisky in the land, and the nigger is not +yet extinct. Uv wat danger is preechers to these men, when yoo coodent +git one uv em within gun-shot uv one? and wat harm is noosepapers to em, +when they can't read? Besides, we are not at the end uv our resources +yet. When the wust comes to the wust, there is the nigger left us. When +he is no longer uv use to us ez he is now,--when the prejoodis is so far +removed ez to invest him with the suffrage,--then WE'LL give him the +ballot,--WE'LL lead him up out uv Egypt, and we'll make him vote with +us. The Dimocrisy never yet failed to control all uv the lower orders uv +sosiety. They hev the lowest grade uv the furriners; they hev Delaware +and Maryland; they hev Noo York city and Suthern Illinoy; and ef the +nigger gets the ballot afore he does the spellin-book, he's ourn beyond +peradvencher. + +Again: Ef our politikel stumiks isn't yet toned up to swallerin the +nigger, we kin compermise on the Mexican. That country Johnson hez his +eagle eye on now, and ef we demand it, he'll take it. Wat a glorious +prospeck opens to us! Mexico wood cut up into at least twenty States, +wich, added to the ten we hev, wood make a clean majority wich we cood +hold for years. Massachoosets cood do nuthin in Mexico. The Greasers +ain't adapted to Massachoosets. Ef they sent their long-haired teachers +there with their spellin books, they'd end their labors by lettin a +knife into their intestines for the clothes they wore, wich wood put a +check on the mishnary biznis. They are, it is troo, several degrees +lower in the skale uv humanity than the niggers, but then they ain't +niggers, and we cood marry em without feelin that we'd degraded +ourselves. Ther is undoubtedly cusses on em, but the only cuss we hev +Constooshnel objections to is the cuss uv Ham, and that they ain't +labrin under. Mexico affords us room for hope; we never shel run out uv +material for Dimocratic votes until she is convertid, and but few +mishnaries wood hev the nerve to tackle her. + +Therfore I say to the Dimocrisy, be uv good cheer! Ther's a brite day a +dawnin. We hev now the Post Offisis, and nothin short uv an impeachment +kin take em from us for two years. We may be beaten in 1868; it may be +that our managin men promised the nominashen to our present Head--A. +JOHNSON; but I hope not. Ef we are laid out agin, we kin console +ourselves with the reflection that we're yoost to it, and we kin go on +hopin for the good time that must come. + +Let us hold onto our faith, and continyoo to run, hopin eventooally to +be glorified. Let us remember that all the majorities agin us don't +change the fact that Noah cust Ham, and that Hagar wuz sent back to her +mistress. Let us remember that Paul, or some one uv them possels, +remarked, "Servance, obey yoor masters," and that, under Ablishn rool, +we are exposed to the danger uv marryin niggers. Let us still cherish +the faith that evenchooally, when reason returns, the Amerikin people +will not throw away the boon we offer em uv fillin the cuss uv labor +imposed by the Almity for disobedience in the garden, ez the Dimocrisy +served in the army, by substitoot, and persevere even unto the perfeck +end. When this good time is come, then will the anshent Dimocrisy, uv +wich I hev bin to-wunst a piller and a ornament for thirty years, +triumph, and the position wich I now hold, wich is rather too temporary +to be agreeable, be continyood unto me for keeps, and layin off the +armor uv actooal warfare, I shel rest in that haven uv worn-out +patriots,--a perpetooal Post Offis. May the day be hastened! Farewell! + + PETROLEUM V. NASBY, P.M. + (wich is Postmaster). + + +THE END. + + +[Transcriber's note. The following changes have been made to the text: + Removed repeated I: I hev alluz bin a Dimecrat + Replaced with Andro with Androo: We are willin to endorse Androo + Johnson + Added Missing quote: arm-in-arm with a nigger, and,--" + Added Missing quote: They go down--never up." + Added Missing quote: "_Resolved_, That in retainin' + Added Missing quote: we kin alluz hev a party."] + + + + + +End of Project Gutenberg's "Swingin Round the Cirkle.", by Petroleum V. 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