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| author | Roger Frank <rfrank@pglaf.org> | 2025-10-15 04:49:33 -0700 |
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diff --git a/16727-h/16727-h.htm b/16727-h/16727-h.htm new file mode 100644 index 0000000..f2e5e6f --- /dev/null +++ b/16727-h/16727-h.htm @@ -0,0 +1,2582 @@ +<!DOCTYPE html PUBLIC "-//W3C//DTD XHTML 1.0 Transitional//EN" + "http://www.w3.org/TR/xhtml1/DTD/xhtml1-transitional.dtd"> + +<html xmlns="http://www.w3.org/1999/xhtml"> +<head> + <meta http-equiv="Content-Type" content="text/html; charset=iso-8859-1" /> + + <title>Punch, August 25th, 1920.</title> + + <style type="text/css"> + <!-- + body {margin-left: 10%; margin-right: 10%;} + p {text-align: justify;} + p.center {text-align: center;} + p.author {text-align: right; margin-top: -1em; margin-right: 5%;} + p.right {text-align: right; margin-right: 5%;} + .i16 {margin-left: 8em;} + blockquote {text-align: justify;} + h1,h2,h3,h4,h5,h6 {text-align: center;} + pre {font-size: 0.7em;} + + hr {text-align: center; width: 50%;} + html>body hr {margin-right: 25%; margin-left: 25%; width: 50%;} + hr.full {width: 100%;} + html>body hr.full {margin-right: 0%; margin-left: 0%; width: 100%;} + hr.short {text-align: center; width: 20%;} + html>body hr.short {margin-right: 40%; margin-left: 40%; width: 20%;} + + .sc {font-variant: small-caps;} + .note + {margin-left: 10%; margin-right: 10%; font-size: 0.9em;} + + span.pagenum + {position: absolute; left: 1%; right: 91%; font-size: 8pt; text-indent: 0;} + + .poem + {margin-left:10%; margin-right:10%; margin-bottom: 1em; text-align: left;} + .poem .stanza {margin: 1em 0em 1em 0em;} + .poem p {margin: 0; padding-left: 3em; text-indent: -3em;} + .poem p.i2 {margin-left: 1em;} + .poem p.i4 {margin-left: 2em;} + .poem p.i6 {margin-left: 3em;} + .poem p.i8 {margin-left: 4em;} + .poem p.i10 {margin-left: 5em;} + .poem p.i12 {margin-left: 6em;} + .poem p.i16 {margin-left: 8em;} + + .figure, .figcenter, .figright, .figleft + {padding: 1em; margin: 0; text-align: center; font-size: 0.8em;} + .figure img, .figcenter img, .figright img, .figleft img + {border: none;} + .figure p, .figcenter p, .figright p, .figleft p + {margin: 0; text-indent: 1em;} + .figure p.in, .figcenter p.in, .figright p.in, .figleft p.in + {margin: 0; text-indent: 8em;} + .figcenter {margin: auto;} + .figright {float: right;} + .figleft {float: left;} + --> + </style> +</head> +<body> + + +<pre> + +The Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 159, +August 25th, 1920, by Various + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 159, August 25th, 1920 + +Author: Various + +Release Date: September 20, 2005 [EBook #16727] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1 + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH *** + + + + +Produced by Jonathan Ingram, Keith Edkins and the Online +Distributed Proofreading Team at https://www.pgdp.net + + + + + + +</pre> + + <h1>PUNCH,<br /> + OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.</h1> + + <h2>Vol. 159.</h2> + <hr class="full" /> + + <h2>August 25th, 1920.</h2> + <hr class="full" /> +<span class="pagenum"><a name="page141" id="page141"></a>[pg 141]</span> + +<h2>CHARIVARIA.</h2> + + <p>"What we have got to do," says Lord <font + class="sc">Rothermere</font>, "is to keep calm and mind our own business, + instead of worrying about the affairs of every other nation." It seems + only fair to point out that <i>The Daily News</i> thought of this as long + ago as August, 1914.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + + <p>Gooseberries the size of bantams' eggs, says a news item, won a prize + at the Deeside Horticultural Show. When we remember the giant + gooseberries of a decade ago it rather looks as if the nation were losing + its nerve.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + + <p>With reference to the messenger seen running in Whitehall the other + day a satisfactory explanation has now been given. He was doing it for + the cinema.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + + <p>The average Scot, says an Anti-Prohibition writer, cannot stand many + drinks. Our experience supports this view; but he can be stood a good + many.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + + <p>A picture-paper gossip states that Mr. <font + class="sc">Churchill</font> enjoys very good health. Just a touch of + writer's cramp now and then, of course.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + + <p>In a recent riot in Londonderry, it is stated, a number of inoffensive + neutrals were set upon and beaten by rowdies of both factions. We have + constantly maintained that Irish unity can always be secured when there + is something really worth uniting over.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + + <p>A lighthouse is advertised for sale in <i>The Times</i>. It is said to + be just the kind of residence for a tall man with sloping shoulders.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + + <p>A correspondent asks in the weekly press for a new name for + charabancs. We wish we could think there was any use in calling them + names.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + + <p>Seaside bathers are advised not to enter the water after a heavy meal. + The seaside visitor who could pay for such a meal would naturally not + have enough left to pay for a bathing-machine.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + + <p>A Thames bargee was knocked down by a taxi-cab at Kingston-on-Thames + last week. A well-known firm has offered to publish his remarks in + fortnightly parts.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + + <p>The West Dulwich man who struck a rate-collector on the head with a + telephone claims credit for finding some use for these instruments.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + + <p>Sir <font class="sc">Eric Drummond</font> has purchased the largest + hotel in Geneva on behalf of the League of Nations. It is said that he + has been taking lessons from Sir <font class="sc">Alfred Mond</font>.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + + <p>Following closely upon the announcement of the noiseless gun invented + in New York comes the news that they have now invented some sound-proof + bacon for export to this country.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + + <p>It is stated that the man who last week said he understood the Rent + Act was eventually pinned down by some friends and handed over to the + care of his relatives.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + + <p>According to a morning paper another Antarctic expedition is to be + organised very shortly. We understand that only those who can stand a + northern wind on all four sides need apply.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + + <p>It is reported that a poultry-farmer in the West of England is making + a fortune by giving his hens whisky to drink and then exporting their + eggs to the United States.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + + <p>A golf-ball was recently driven through the window of an express train + near Knebworth. We are informed however that the player who struck the + ball still maintains that the engine-driver deliberately ignored his + shout of "Fore."</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + + <p>An amazing report reaches us from Yorkshire. It appears that a + centenarian has been discovered who is unable to read without glasses or + even to walk to market once a week.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + + <p>The unveiling of one of the largest Peace memorials in the country is + to take place on Armistice day this year. We hear that both the <font + class="sc">Premier</font> and Mr. <font class="sc">Winston + Churchill</font> have expressed a desire to attend unless prevented by + the War.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + + <p>Smart furriers, declares a fashion-paper, are pushing Beveren blue + rabbit as one of the chic furs for the coming winter. The rabbit, our + contemporary goes on to explain (superfluously, as it seems to us), is + naturally blue.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + + <p>On a recent occasion a meeting of the Dolgelly Rural Council had to be + postponed, the members being absent hay-making. Parliament, on the other + hand, has had to stop making hay owing to the Members being away in the + country.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + + <p>The Ministry of Food states that the period of normal supplies seems + to come round in cycles of four years. Meanwhile the period of abnormal + prices continues to come round in cycles of once a week. A movement in + favour of postponing the cycle of payment till we get the cycle of plenty + is not receiving adequate support from the provision trade.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + + <p>Agricultural labourers near Peterborough have refused to work with + Irishmen on the ground that the latter are troublesome. We always said + that sooner or later someone would come round to Mr. <font + class="sc">Lloyd George's</font> view on this point.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + + <p>A newspaper reports the case of a waiter who refused a tip. It is said + that the gentleman who offered it is making a slow recovery and may be + able to take a little fish this week.</p> + +<hr /> + + <div class="figcenter" style="width:33%;"> + <a href="images/136.png"><img width="100%" src="images/136.png" + alt="Get me double-six double-five nine Central" /></a> + <p><i>Caller.</i> "<font class="sc">Exchange? Get me double-six + double-five nine Central—and get it quick, like they do it on the + pictures.</font>"</p> + </div> +<hr /> + +<h4>The Growth of the Side-Car.</h4> + + <blockquote> + <p>"<font class="sc">Motor Cars, Cycles</font>, <i>&c.</i></p> + + <p><font class="sc">Argyll.</font>—2 Bedrooms and sitting-room, + with attendance."—<i>Scotch Paper.</i></p> + + </blockquote> +<hr class="short" /> + + <blockquote> + <p>"BRIGHTON ELECTRIC RAILWAY.</p> + + <p><font class="sc">Palace Pier and Kemp Town Cars every Five + Years.</font>"—<i>Local Paper.</i></p> + + </blockquote> + <p>It is inferred that the Ministry of Transport has assumed control.</p> + +<hr /> + +<span class="pagenum"><a name="page142" id="page142"></a>[pg 142]</span> + +<h2>AN APOLOGY TO THE BENCH.</h2> + +<p class="center"><i>Humbly addressed to T.E.S.</i></p> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>If ever, where you hold the Seat of Doom,</p> + <p class="i2">I stand, my Lord, before you at the Bar,</p> + <p>And my forensic fame, a virgin bloom,</p> + <p class="i2">Lies in your awful hands to make or mar,</p> + <p>Let it not prejudice my case, I pray,</p> + <p class="i2">If you should call to mind a previous meeting</p> + <p>When on a champion course the other day</p> + <p class="i2">I gave your Lordship four strokes and a beating.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>I own it savoured of contempt of court,</p> + <p class="i2">Hinted of disrespect toward the Bench,</p> + <p>That I should chuckle when your pitch was short</p> + <p class="i2">Or smile to see you in the sanded trench;</p> + <p>But Golf (so I extenuate my sin)</p> + <p class="i2">Brings all men level, like the greens they putt on;</p> + <p>One common bunker makes the whole world kin,</p> + <p class="i2">And Bar may scrap with Beak, and I with <font class="sc">Scr-tt-n</font>.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Nor did I give myself superior airs;</p> + <p class="i2">I made allowance for defective sight;</p> + <p>"The bandage which impartial Justice wears</p> + <p class="i2">Leaves you," I said, "a stranger to the light;</p> + <p>Habituated to the sword and scales,</p> + <p class="i2">If you commit some pardonable blunder,</p> + <p>If" (I remarked) "your nerve at moments fails</p> + <p class="i2">With grosser ironmongery, where's the wonder?"</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>So may the Law's High Majesty o'erlook</p> + <p class="i2">My rash presumption; may the memory die</p> + <p>Of how I won the match (and further took</p> + <p class="i2">The liberty of mopping up the bye);</p> + <p>Remember just a happy morning's round,</p> + <p class="i2">Also the fact that this alleged old fogey</p> + <p>Played at the last hole like a book and downed</p> + <p class="i2">The barely human feat of Colonel Bogey.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p class="i16">O.S.</p> + </div> + </div> + +<hr /> + +<h2>IF WE ALL TOOK TO MARGOTRY.</h2> + + <p>[Mrs. <font class="sc">Asquith's</font> feuilleton, which for so many + people has transformed Sunday into a day of unrest, sets up a new method + of autobiography, in which the protagonist is, so to speak, both <font + class="sc">Johnson</font> and <font class="sc">Boswell</font> too. + Successful models being always imitated we may expect to see a general + use of her lively methods; and as a matter of fact I have been able + already, through the use of a patent futurist reading-glass (invented by + Signer Margoni), to get glimpses of two forthcoming reminiscent works of + the future which, but for the <i>chronique égoïstique</i> of the moment + might never have been written, and certainly not in their present + interlocutory shape.]</p> + +<p class="center">I.</p> + +<p class="center"><font class="sc">From "First Aid to Literature."</font></p> + +<p class="center">By <i>Edmund Gosse</i>.</p> + + <p>... Not the least interesting and delicate of my duties as a + confidential adviser were connected with a work of reminiscences which + created some stir in the nineteen-twenties. How it came about I cannot + recollect, but it was thought that my poor assistance as a friendly + censor of a too florid exuberance in candour might not be of disservice + to the book, and I accepted the invitation. The volume being by no means + yet relegated to oblivion's dusty shelves I am naturally reluctant to + refer to it with such particularity as might enable my argus-eyed reader + to identify it and my own unworthy share therein, and therefore in the + following dialogue, typical of many between the author and myself, I + disguise her name under an initial. <i>Quis custodiet?</i> It would be + grotesque indeed if one whose special mission was to correct the high + spirits of others should himself fail in good taste.</p> + + <p><i>Mrs. A. (laying down the MS. with a bang).</i> I see nothing but + blue pencil marks, and blue was never my colour. Why are you so anxious + that I should be discreet? Indiscretion is the better part of + authorship.</p> + + <p><i><font class="sc">Edmund</font> (earnestly).</i> It is your fame of + which I am thinking. If you adopt my emendations you will go down to + history as the writer of the best book of reminiscences in English.</p> + + <p><i>Mrs. A. (with fervour).</i> I don't want to go down to history. I + want to stay here and make it. And you (<i>with emotion</i>)—you + have cramped my style. I can't think why I asked you to help.</p> + + <p><i><font class="sc">Edmund</font>.</i> Everyone asks me to help. It is + my destiny. I am the Muses' <i>amicus curiæ</i>.</p> + + <p><i>Mrs. A.</i> Oh, blow Latin! (<i>Lighting two cigarettes at + once</i>) What's the good of reminiscences of to-day, by me, without + anything about L.G.?</p> + + <p><i><font class="sc">Edmund</font>.</i> Dear lady, it would never have + done. Be reasonable. There are occasions when reticence is + imperative.</p> + + <p><i>Mrs. A.</i> Reticence! What words you use!</p> + +<p class="center">(<i>Cætera desunt.</i>)</p> + +<p class="center">II.</p> + +<p class="center"><font class="sc">From "A Week in Lovely Lucerne."</font></p> + +<p class="center">By <i>D. Lloyd George</i>.</p> + + <p>... I do not say that the mountains hereabout are not more + considerable than those of our own beloved Wales, but as material to be + employed in perorations they are far inferior. There is not the requisite + mist (which may symbolise ignorance or obstinacy or any temporary + disturbance or opposition), later to be dispelled by the strong beams of + the sun (representing either progress generally or prime-ministerial + genius or pure Coalitionism). Other local features I felt, however, I + might find rhetorically useful, such as <font + class="sc">Thorwaldsen's</font> Lion, so noble, so—so leonine, but + doomed ever to adhere to the rock, how symbolic of a strong idealist + unable to translate his ameliorative plans into action! The old bridge + too, uniting the two sides of the city, as one can attempt to link + Radicalism and Coalitionism—how long could it endure? And so on. + One's brain was never idle.</p> + + <p>It was while we were at Lucerne that <font class="sc">Lord + Riddell</font> and I had some of our most significant conversations. I + set them down just as they occurred, extenuating nothing and concealing + nothing.</p> + + <p><i><font class="sc">Lord Riddell</font> (with emotion).</i> You are in + excellent form to-day. Lucerne now has two lions—one of them + free.</p> + + <p><i><font class="sc">David</font> (surprised).</i> I free? + (<i>Sadly</i>) You forget that <font class="sc">Giolitti</font> is + coming.</p> + + <p><i><font class="sc">Lord Riddell</font>.</i> But that is nothing to + you. Try him with your Italian and he will soon go.</p> + + <p><i><font class="sc">David</font>.</i> You are a true friend. You + always hearten me.</p> + + <p><i><font class="sc">Lord Riddell</font> (with more emotion).</i> But + you are so wonderful, so wonderful! And now for to-day's amusements. + Where shall we go? Up Mount Pilatus or to <font class="sc">William + Tell's</font> Chapel?</p> + + <p><i><font class="sc">David</font>.</i> There is something irresistible + to a Welshman in the word chapel. Let us go there. And <font + class="sc">William Tell</font>, was he not a patriot? Did he not defy the + tyrant? I am sure that in his modest conventicle I can think of a + thousand eloquent things. Let us go there.</p> + + <p><i><font class="sc">Lord Riddell</font>.</i> My hero! my dauntless + hero!</p> + +<p class="author">E.V.L.</p> + +<hr /> + + <blockquote> + <p>"Even with a round of 73 in the morning Ray fell behind Vardon, who + accomplished a remarkable round of 17 to lead the + field."—<i>Provincial Paper.</i></p> + + </blockquote> + <p>This is believed to be the first occasion on which any golfer has + accomplished two holes in one shot.</p> + +<hr /> + +<span class="pagenum"><a name="page143" id="page143"></a>[pg 143]</span> + + <div class="figcenter" style="width:100%;"> + <a href="images/138.png"><img width="100%" src="images/138.png" + alt="THE LION OF LUCERNE." /></a> + <h3>"THE LION OF LUCERNE."</h3> + + <p><font class="sc">Mr. Lloyd George</font> (<i>having jodelled + heavily</i>). "NOT A SINGLE DISSENTIENT ECHO! THIS IS THE SORT OF PEACE + CONFERENCE I LIKE." (<i>Continues to jodel</i>.)</p> + </div> +<hr /> + +<span class="pagenum"><a name="page144" id="page144"></a>[pg 144]</span> + + <div class="figcenter" style="width:100%;"> + <a href="images/139.png"><img width="100%" src="images/139.png" + alt="Mummy, I would like to tell you a story" /></a> + <p><i>Mabel (in barefaced attempt to detain Mother when saying + "Good-night").</i> <font class="sc">"Oh, Mummy, I would like to tell + you a story about three little boys."</font></p> + + <p><i>Mother.</i> <font class="sc">"No, no; go to sleep. There's no + time to tell a story about three little boys."</font></p> + + <p><i>Mabel.</i> <font class="sc">"Well, then, let me tell you a story + about <i>two</i> little boys."</font></p> + </div> +<hr /> + +<h2>THE RABBITS GAME.</h2> + + <p>"Don't forget to say 'Rabbits' to-morrow," said Angela. Angela is aged + nine and my younger sister; I am thirteen and my name is Anne.</p> + + <p>We both looked inquiringly at Father, and, as he didn't seem to + remember, Angela in pained surprise began to explain. "If you say + 'Rabbits' before you say anything else on the first day of a month you + get a present during the month, but you mustn't say anything else first, + or you won't."</p> + + <p>It all came out in one breath and, though it looks clear enough now, + Father was very stupid.</p> + + <p>"I dislike rabbits," he said, "and I am very busy; your Mother will + probably be glad of them for the servants."</p> + + <p>The rebuke in Angela's eyes was severe. "We haven't got any rabbits," + she said; "we are only going to say 'Rabbits' to-morrow morning when we + wake up and we thought you might like to do the same."</p> + + <p>"Oh, I should," said Father; "thank you very much, I won't forget." + And he wrote "Rabbits" down on his blotting-paper. "Now go and tell your + Mother; she would like to say 'Rabbits' too, I know."</p> + + <p>That seemed to terminate the interview, so we left him; but altogether + it was not very satisfactory. You see, when we had + "Bon-jour-Philippines," Father used to provide the presents; at least + that was some time ago; we haven't had any "Bon-jour-Philippines" lately. + The last time we did, Jack, that is my brother at Oxford, found one and + split it with Father, and the next morning he said, "Bon-jour-Philippine" + first and then asked for a present. Father asked him what he wanted, and + he gave Father a letter that he had had that morning. Father got very + angry and said that it was a disgrace the way tailors allowed credit to + young wasters nowadays. He didn't say it quite like that, it was rather + worse, and Mother said, "Hush, dear; remember the children," and Father + said that they were all as bad and in the conspiracy to ruin him, and he + went out of the room and banged the door.</p> + + <p>Mother told Jack that he should have chosen a better moment, and Jack + owned he had made a mistake and said that he ought to have got it in + before Father had looked at the paper and seen the latest news of <font + class="sc">Lloyd George</font>. I don't quite know what he meant, but + Father often talks about <font class="sc">Lloyd George</font>, and he + must be a beast.</p> + + <p>I asked Jack later if he got his present, and he said that he had, + but—and here he copied Father's voice so well that I had to + laugh—"It is the very last time, my boy; when I was at Oxford I + used to consider my Father, and I would have worked in the fields and + earned money sooner than have given him bills to pay." Jack said that he + knew one of the dons at Oxford who knew Father, and from what he said he + thought that Father must have spent as long in the fields as <font + class="sc">Nebuchadnezzar</font> did.</p> + + <p>I remembered all this as I went to find mother about "Rabbits," and I + wasn't quite sure that we should get our present even if we did say it, + so I told Angela, and she had a brilliant idea. "We will make Father say + 'Rabbits' and give him a present ourselves, and he is sure to give us + something <span class="pagenum"><a name="page145" id="page145"></a>[pg + 145]</span> in return." Angela is younger than I am, but she often thinks + quite clever things like that, and they come in very useful + sometimes.</p> + + <p>We went to the summer-house in the garden to make plans. First we + thought what would be the best present to give Father. Last Christmas we + gave him a pipe, and he said that it was just what he wanted; it cost + ninepence and was made like a man's head, and you put the tobacco in a + hole in his hat.</p> + + <p>Father lit it at once after breakfast, but two days after I saw Jakes + the gardener smoking it. We thought at first that he had stolen it, and I + went to Father, but he said that Jakes had thirteen children, and when a + man was in trouble like that you ought to give up what you valued most to + try to make that man happy, and that Jakes was awfully pleased when he + gave him the pipe.</p> + + <p>You see that made it very difficult, as we had to get something that + Father would like and Jakes too, as he still had thirteen children; and + then I remembered that Mrs. Jakes had once looked at a woollen jumper + that I had on, and said that it would be just the thing for her Mary Ann, + who had a delicate chest, and Jakes would be sure to like what Mrs. Jakes + liked, or else he wouldn't have married her. Of course a jumper wasn't + really the sort of thing that Father could wear, but I thought he might + wrap his foot up in it when he next had gout, and besides I shouldn't be + wanting it much more myself, as the summer was coming on.</p> + + <p>Angela said that she thought that would do well, and she wouldn't mind + giving Father her jumper next month if he said "Rabbits," and it would do + for Mrs. Jakes' next little girl.</p> + + <p>So that was decided, and then we had to arrange the plan. The most + important thing was for us to wake before Father, so that we could wake + him and remind him before he had time to say anything else, and Angela + remembered that Ellen, that's the housemaid, had an alarm clock, which + she used to set at a quarter to six each morning. We waited until Ellen + had gone downstairs and then took it and hid it in Angela's bed.</p> + + <p>Next morning the clock went off. We were both rather frightened, and + it was very cold and the room looked funny, as the blinds hadn't been + pulled up, but we put our dressing-gowns on. Then Angela said that she + had heard that if you woke a person who was walking in their sleep they + sometimes called out, so I took a pair of stockings from the basket that + had just come back from the wash to hold over Father's mouth while we + woke him. They were waiting to be mended and had a hole in them, but that + didn't matter much, as I screwed them up tight, and then we went into + Father's room. They were both asleep, and Father had his mouth open all + ready for the stockings, which was very lucky, as I was wondering how I + could get them in.</p> + + <p>We crept up to the bed, and I know I shivered, and I think Angela did + too, as I was holding her hand. Then she called out "Boo" as loud as she + could, and I stuffed the stockings into Father's mouth, and then they + both woke up, and everything went wrong.</p> + + <p>Mother thought the house was on fire and screamed, and it made Angela + begin to cry. I quite forgot to tell Father to say "Rabbits," and just + pressed the stockings further into his mouth.</p> + + <p>Father struggled and made awful noises, and when he did get the + stockings out the things he said weren't a bit like "Rabbits," and the + only thing that he did say that I could write down here was that he + thought he was going to be sick. The rest was dreadful.</p> + + <p>We were both sent back to bed, and that morning as a punishment we + were not allowed into the dining-room until Father and Mother had + finished their breakfast; and Angela, who often thinks quite clever + things, said that we had better not do "Rabbits" again for a good long + time. But after all it didn't matter much as the weather got a great deal + colder, and I wore my jumper a lot, and so did Angela.</p> + +<hr /> + + <div class="figcenter" style="width:66%;"> + <a href="images/140.png"><img width="100%" src="images/140.png" + alt="This arf-crown won't do" /></a> + <p><font class="sc">"Look 'ere—this arf-crown won't do. It ain't + got no milling on its hedge."</font></p> + + <p><font class="sc">"Blimy! Nor it 'as! I <i>knew</i> I'd forgotten + somefink."</font></p> + </div> +<hr /> + +<h3>FLOWERS' NAMES.</h3> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p class="i8"><font class="sc">Dame's Delight.</font></p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>There was a Lady walked a wood;</p> + <p>She never smiled, nor never could.</p> + <p>One day a sunbeam from the South</p> + <p>Kissed full her petulant proud mouth;</p> + <p>She laughed, and there, beneath the trees,</p> + <p>Fluttering in the April breeze,</p> + <p>Spread tracts of blossom, green and white,</p> + <p>Curtseying to the golden light—</p> + <p>The broken laugh of Dame's Delight.</p> + </div> + </div> + +<hr /> + +<span class="pagenum"><a name="page146" id="page146"></a>[pg 146]</span> + +<h3>FIRST LOVE AND LAST.</h3> + + <blockquote> + <p>[It is pointed out by a contemporary that the dressmaker's waxen model + has quite lost her old insipid air. The latest examples of the modeller's + art show the "glad eye" and features with which "any man might fall in + love."]</p> + + </blockquote> + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>In the days when I started to toddle</p> + <p class="i2">I loved with a frenzy sublime</p> + <p>A dressmaker's beauteous model—</p> + <p class="i2">I think I was three at the time;</p> + <p>She was fair in the foolish old fashion,</p> + <p class="i2">And they found me again and again</p> + <p>With my nose in an access of passion</p> + <p class="i8">Glued tight to the pane.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>But I thought they were gone past returning</p> + <p class="i2">Till Time should go back on his tracks,</p> + <p>Those days of a child's undiscerning</p> + <p class="i2">But fervent devotion to wax;</p> + <p>Could a heart, though admittedly restive,</p> + <p class="i2">Recapture that innocent mood</p> + <p>At sixty next birthday? I'm blest if</p> + <p class="i8">I thought that it could.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>But Art, ever bent on progression,</p> + <p class="i2">Has taken the model in hand,</p> + <p>And brought in the line of succession</p> + <p class="i2">A figure more pleasingly planned;</p> + <p>Her eyes with the gladdest of glances,</p> + <p class="i2">Her lips and her hair and her cheek</p> + <p>Can puncture like so many lances</p> + <p class="i8">A bosom of teak.</p> + </div> + </div> + +<hr /> + +<h3>HARD TIMES FOR HEROINES.</h3> + + <p>"Oh, Bertram," breathed Eunice as she glided into his arms, "if Ernest + knew, what would he think?"</p> + + <p>At this point of my story I admit that I was held up. I myself + couldn't help wondering how Ernest would regard the situation. He was a + perfectly good husband and, personally, I preferred him to Bertram the + lover. I might get unpopular with my readers, however, if they suspected + this, so I continued:—</p> + + <p>"Ernest can never appreciate you as I do, dearest," Bertram whispered + hoarsely; "he is cold, hard, indifferent—"</p> + + <p>Again I paused. If Eunice had been the really nice girl I meant her to + be she would have asked Bertram what on earth he meant by saying such + things about her husband, and would have told him the shortest cut to the + front-door. In which case she might never have got into print.</p> + + <p>The fact is the poor heroine of fiction has a hard time of it + nowadays. Someone ought to write a treatise on "How to be Happy though a + Heroine," or uphold her cause in some way. Twenty-five years ago she + lived in a halo of romance. Her wooers were tender, respectful and + adoring; she was never without a chaperon. Her love-story was + conventional and ended in wedding bells. To-day—just see how her + position has altered. Generally she begins by being married already. Then + her lover comes along to place her in awkward predicaments and put her to + no end of inconvenience, very often only to make her realise that she + prefers her husband after all. Or, on the other hand, the modern writer + does not mind killing off, on the barest pretext, a husband who is + perfectly sound in wind and limb and had never suffered from anything in + his life until the lover appeared. The poor girl will tell you herself + that it isn't natural.</p> + + <p>Then there is the compromising situation. Magazine editors clamour for + it—in fiction, I mean. We find the heroine flung on a desert + island, with the one man above all others in the world that she detests + as her sole companion. It is rather rough on her, but often still more + rough on other people, as it may necessitate drowning the entire crew and + passengers of a large liner just in order to leave the couple alone for a + while to get to know each other better. And not until they find that they + care for one another after all does the rescue party arrive. It will + cruise about, or be at anchor round the corner, for weeks and weeks, so + that it can appear on the horizon at the moment of the first embrace. + This situation is so popular at present that it is surprising that there + are enough desert islands to go round.</p> + + <p>Again, the lonely bungalow episode is pretty cheerless for the + heroine. She accepts an apparently harmless invitation to spend a + week-end with friends in the country. When she arrives at the station + there is no one to meet her. After a course of desert islands this ought + to arouse her suspicions, but she never seems to benefit by experience. + At the bungalow, reached in a hired fly and a blinding snowstorm, she + finds the whole household away. The four other week-end guests, her host + and hostess and their five children, the invalid aunt who resides with + the family, the three female servants and the boot-boy who lives + in—all have completely vanished. The only sign of life for miles is + the hero standing on the doorstep looking bewildered and troubled, as + well he might, for he knows that he must spend the night in a snowstorm + to avoid compromising the heroine.</p> + + <p>And when the family return next morning and explain that they went out + to look at the sunset, but were held up at a neighbour's by the weather, + nobody seems to think the excuse a little thin.</p> + + <p>The heroine can never hope for a tranquil existence like other people. + I read of one only recently who, just because she strongly objected to + the man her parents wanted her to marry, was flung with him on an iceberg + that had only seating capacity for two. And when the iceberg began to + melt—writers must at times manipulate the elements—it meant + that she must either watch the man drown or share the same seat with him. + The rescue party held off, of course, until the harassed girl was sitting + on his knees, and then received the pair as they slid down, announcing + their engagement.</p> + + <p>What do I intend to do with Bertram and Eunice? I am undecided whether + to place them in the vicinity of a volcano, which, unknown to Bertram, + has eruptive tendencies, or to send them up in an aeroplane and break the + propeller in mid-Atlantic just as the rescue party (including the + husband)—What? Do I understand anything about aeroplanes? Certainly + not; but I know everything about heroines.</p> + +<hr /> + +<h3>EVIDENCE.</h3> + + <p>"What's all this I hear about the Abbey?" said my friend Truscott when + I met him yesterday.</p> + + <p>Truscott has just returned from New Zealand and is for the moment a + little behind the times. But he can pick up the threads as quickly as + most men.</p> + + <p>"It's in a bad way," I told him. "All kinds of defects in the fabric, + and there's a public fund to make it sound again. You ought to + subscribe."</p> + + <p>"It may be in disrepair," he replied, "but it isn't going to fall down + just yet. I know; I went to see it this morning."</p> + + <p>"But how do you know?" I asked. "You may guess; you can't know."</p> + + <p>"I know," he said, "because I was told. A little bird told me, and + there's no authority half so good. Do you remember a few years ago a + terrific storm that blew down half the elms in Kensington Gardens?"</p> + + <p>I remembered. I had reason; for the trunks and branches were all over + the road and my omnibus from Church Street to Piccadilly Circus had to + make wide detours.</p> + + <p>"Well," Truscott continued, "someone wrote to the papers to say that + two or three days before the storm all the rooks left the trees and did + not return. They knew what was coming. Birds do know, you know, and + that's why I feel no immediate anxiety about the Abbey."</p> + + <p>"Explain," I said.</p> + + <p>"Well," he continued, "when I was there this morning I watched a + sparrow popping in and out of a nest built in a niche in the stonework + over the north door."</p> + +<hr /> + +<span class="pagenum"><a name="page147" id="page147"></a>[pg 147]</span> + + <div class="figcenter" style="width:100%;"> + <a href="images/142.png"><img width="100%" src="images/142.png" + alt="MANNERS AND MODES." /></a> + <h3>MANNERS AND MODES.</h3> + + <p class="center">THEN AND NOW.</p> + + <p><i>From an Early-Victorian "Etiquette for Gentlemen</i>."— + "<font class="sc">A gentleman cannot be too careful to avoid stepping + on a lady's dress when about to get in or out of a + carriage.</font>"</p> + </div> +<hr /> + +<span class="pagenum"><a name="page148" id="page148"></a>[pg 148]</span> + +<h2>THOUGHTS ON "THE TIMES."</h2> + +<p class="center">(<font class="sc">From a Train.</font>)</p> + + <p>Really the news is very bad this morning. On the front page there are + two Foreign crises and a Home one. On the next page there is one Grave + Warning and two probable strikes. On every other page there is either a + political murder or a new war. It is awful ...</p> + + <p>Yet somehow I don't feel depressed. I rather feel like giggling. An + empty smoker in the Cornish express—<i>empty</i> except for me! + Extraordinary! And all my luggage in the right van, labelled for Helston, + and not for Hull or Harwich or Hastings. That porter was a splendid + fellow, so respectful, so keen on his work—no Bolshevism about + <i>him</i>. I gave him a shilling. I gave the taxi-man a shilling too. + That guard is a pleasant fellow also; I shall give him two shillings, + perhaps half-a-crown. Yet I see that the railways are seething with + unrest.</p> + + <p>I have just read <i>The Times'</i> leader. Everything seems to be + coming undone ... Persia, Mesopotamia, Egypt, India. This Bolshevist + business ... dreadful. The guard has got me a ticket for the Second + Luncheon. A capital fellow. I gave him three shillings. Absurd. I have no + more shillings now. I am overdrawn. There is a financial crisis. But + that, of course, is general. I see that Mr. Iselbaum anticipates a + general smash this winter. A terrible winter it is going to be ... no + coal, no food ... We ought to be in by five, in time for a fat late tea + ... Cornish cream ... jam. Gwen will be at the station, with the + children, all in blue ... or pink perhaps. How jolly the country looks! + Superficial, of course; the harvest's ruined; no wheat, no fruit. And + unemployment will be very bad. And the more people there are unemployed + the more people will strike ... Sounds funny, that; but true ... Hope + they've given us the usual table in the coffee-room, that jolly + window-table in the corner, where one can look across the bay to the + cliffs and the corn-fields and the hills ... Only there's no corn, I + suppose, this year ... And one has a good view of the rest of the room + there ... can study the new arrivals at dinner, instead of having to wait + till afterwards. Dinner is much the best time to study them; you can see + at once how they eat. And it is so much easier to decide which is the + sister and which the <i>fiancée</i> of the young man when they are all + stationary at a table. When you only see them rushing about passages in + ones it takes days.</p> + + <p>All the usual families will be there, I suppose—the Bradleys and + the Clinks, old Mrs. Puntage and the kids—if they can afford it + this year ... Very likely they can't. I can't, certainly. But I'm + going.</p> + + <p>"Not since the fateful week-end of August, 1914, when the destinies of + Europe were decided in a few hours, have issues of such gravity engaged + the attention of the British race...." Dreadful. I shall get some tennis + tomorrow. I shan't be called. I shall get up when the sun is on my face + and not before. I shall dress very, very slowly, looking at the sea and + the sands and the sun, not rushing, not shaving properly, not thinking, + not washing a great deal, just sort of falling into an old coat and some + grey flannels.... Then I shall just sort of fall downstairs—about + half-past nine, and give the old barometer a bang. Then breakfast, very + deliberate, but cheerful, because the glass went up when I banged + it—it always goes up at that hotel ... like the cost of living. Up + another five points to-day, I see. Bread's going to be + one-and-threepence. But of course there won't <i>be</i> any bread this + winter, so the price doesn't much matter. But what about coal? and milk? + and meat? "Several new sets of wage claims are due for decision within + the next few weeks, and it is possible that two of them at least may not + be determined without a cessation of work." More strikes ... But not for + a week or two. To-morrow there won't be any papers at breakfast; there + won't be any letters. I shan't catch the 9.5. After breakfast I shall + smoke on the cliff—then some tennis. Most of the balls will go over + the cliff, but when they have all gone one just slips down and bathes, + and picks them up on the way. Undress on the rocks—no machines, no + tents. Jolly bathing. Mixed, of course. This Tonbridge councillor is on + about that again, I see. He ought to come to Mullion. Mixed bathing + depends entirely on the mixture. He doesn't realise that. Of course, if + he <i>will</i> bathe at Tonbridge ...</p> + + <p>"In diplomatic circles no one is attempting to conceal that the + situation is extremely grave." Now which situation is that? That must be + one of these world-plots. Don't really see how civilisation can carry on + more than a week or two now. Lucky I only took a single, perhaps. It was + only two pounds, but I hadn't enough for a return. Never shall have + enough, probably—but no matter. If the world is coming to an end, + might as well be in a good part of it at the time. And it would be + sickening to be snuffed out with an unused return-ticket in one's + pocket.</p> + + <p>On the sands after lunch—build a few castles and dams and things + for the children—at least, not altogether for the children, not so + much as they think, anyhow. Tea at the farm, with plenty of cream, + possibly an egg ... No eggs this winter, I see; some question of + non-unionists. Then a little golf before dinner—and perhaps a + little dancing afterwards. Coffee, anyhow ...</p> + + <p>Then <i>The Times</i> arrives, all wrapped up, just as one is + explaining about the seventh hole. It is all stiff and crinkly, and one + spends a long time rearranging it, flattening out the folds ...</p> + + <p>And one never reads it. That's the best of all.</p> + +<p class="author">A.P.H.</p> + +<hr /> + + <div class="figcenter" style="width:60%;"> + <a href="images/143.png"><img width="100%" src="images/143.png" + alt="NATIONAL RESEARCH." /></a> + <p class="center">NATIONAL RESEARCH.</p> + + <p><font class="sc"><i>The Daily Quest</i>, ever with its finger on the + public pulse, sends a Special Commissioner to our holiday resorts to + discover which has the nicest necks.</font></p> + </div> +<hr /> + +<span class="pagenum"><a name="page149" id="page149"></a>[pg 149]</span> + + <div class="figcenter" style="width:100%;"> + <a href="images/144.png"><img width="100%" src="images/144.png" + alt="Congratulations on finding your game again." /></a> + <div class="i16"> + <p><i>The Cheerful One.</i> "<font class="sc">Congratulations, old + chap, on finding your game again.</font>"</p> + + <p><i>Club Grouser.</i> "<font class="sc">Finding my game! Why, I've + just offered to sell every damned club in my bag.</font>"</p> + + <p><i>The Cheerful One.</i> "<font class="sc">Yes, I know. But + yesterday you were <i>giving</i> them away.</font>"</p> + </div> + </div> +<hr /> + +<h3>PRONE.</h3> + +<p class="center"><i>To the Editor of "Punch."</i></p> + + <p><font class="sc">Sir</font>,—I am an architect (of forty-three + years' standing) and I like to keep <i>au courant</i> with everything in + the world of building (or of being about to build). Consequently anything + new in constructional material interests me, and in this connection I + would like to ask you what is or what are Prone? I have only seen it (or + them) mentioned once, and from the context I gather that the word "prone" + stands for the plural of "prone" (as "grouse" is the plural of "grouse," + and as "house" might well stand for the plural of "house" nowadays, + considering the shortage of dwellings), and that it (or they) is (or are) + used either as a floor covering or otherwise in connection with working + on the floor or ground.</p> + + <p>My reason for so thinking is contained in the following interesting + item, culled from a well-known daily newspaper:—</p> + + <blockquote> + <p>"There is in London one man at least who works hard every day and has + to lay prone to do it.</p> + + <p>He may be seen daily in the cloisters of Westminster Abbey re-cutting + the names on the flagged gravestones which have been worn by countless + pilgrims' feet. He has picked out many illustrious names, and others are + to follow."</p> + + </blockquote> + <p>The sex and species of this hard-worker preclude the notion of any + oviparous act, and I take it that one "lays prone" as one lays a mat or + strip of carpet, for the purpose of facilitating labour that is done on + the knees or stomach. If I am right I should like to get my builder to + order some for his workmen absolutely at once.</p> + + <p>Anything which would help to defeat the Trade Unions in their fight + against speeding-up would be a blessing, especially to the architectural + world, so perhaps you will be good enough to enlighten me on the nature + of Prone, and where obtainable.</p> + +<p class="center">Believe me, Yours very gravely,<br /> +<font class="sc">Onesimus Stone</font> (F.R.I.B.A.).</p> + +<hr /> + + <p>From an American book on "How and What to Read":—</p> + + <blockquote> + <p>"Other great American short story writers include Bret Harte, Edward + Everett Hale, Frank Stockton, and Mary E. Wilkins. With these may be + included Thomas Hardy's 'Life's Little Ironies,' which are full of + fun."</p> + + </blockquote> + <p>Mr. <font class="sc">Hardy</font> will be glad, no doubt, to add this + little irony to his collection.</p> + +<hr /> + +<h3>THE KELPIE.</h3> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>The scoffer rails at ancient tales</p> + <p class="i2">Of lake and stream and river;</p> + <p>The wise man owns that in his bones</p> + <p class="i2">The kelpie makes him shiver.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Big salmon-flies the scoffer buys,</p> + <p class="i2">Long rods and wading stockings;</p> + <p>Unpicturesque he walks in Esk</p> + <p class="i2">With unbelief and mockings.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>"A river-horse! O-ho, of course!"</p> + <p class="i2">And shouts with ribald laughter;</p> + <p>He does not see in his cheap glee</p> + <p class="i2">The kelpie trotting after.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>The storm comes chill from off the hill;</p> + <p class="i2">An eerie wind doth holloa;</p> + <p>And near and near by surges drear</p> + <p class="i2">The water-horse doth follow.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>A snort, a snuff; enough, enough;</p> + <p class="i2">Past prayer or human help he</p> + <p>Comes never more to mortal door</p> + <p class="i2">Who meets the water-kelpie.</p> + </div> + </div> + +<hr /> + + <blockquote> + <p>"THE KING ARRIVES IN SCOTLAND</p> + + <p>ASKED TO LEAVE."</p> + + <p><i>Consecutive Headlines in "The Daily Mirror."</i></p> + + </blockquote> + <p>The habit of reading the headlines in our pictorial newspapers without + glancing at the pictures beneath them is liable to create false + impressions.</p> + +<hr /> + +<span class="pagenum"><a name="page150" id="page150"></a>[pg 150]</span> + + <div class="figcenter" style="width:100%;"> + <a href="images/145.png"><img width="100%" src="images/145.png" + alt="I can write my name on the piano." /></a> + <p><i>Mrs. Symons (wishing to draw attention, in the time-honoured + manner, to the amount of dust on the drawing-room furniture).</i> + "<font class="sc">Look at that, Martha; I can write my name on the + piano.</font>"</p> + + <p><i>Martha.</i> "<font class="sc">Fancy, now, you spelling it with a + 'y.'</font>"</p> + </div> +<hr /> + +<h3>TO A MAKER OF PILLS.</h3> + + <blockquote> + <p>"The Pill Trade has fallen on evil days; no ex-service men seem to + require pills."—<i>A pill manufacturer summoned for rates at + Willesden.</i></p> + + </blockquote> + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>O Benefactor of the British Tommy,</p> + <p class="i2">So often sick in far unfriendly climes,</p> + <p>What tears of sympathy are flowing from me</p> + <p class="i2">To learn that you have fallen on evil times!</p> + <p>Yea, to my mind 'tis little short of tragic</p> + <p>That men no longer buy your potent spheres of magic!</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Scarce less detested than the Bulgar bullet</p> + <p class="i2">Your bitter pellets of Quin. Sulph. gr. 5</p> + <p>Have often stuck in my long-suffering gullet,</p> + <p class="i2">Leaving me barely more than half alive,</p> + <p>Whilst the accursed drug, whose taste I dread,</p> + <p>Hummed like an aeroplane within my throbbing head.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>And what about Acetyl-Salicylic,</p> + <p class="i2">And what of Calomels and Soda Sals?</p> + <p>Existence had been even less idyllic</p> + <p class="i2">Without those powerful and faithful pals!</p> + <p>Why, midst the fevers of the Struma plain you</p> + <p>Furnished the greater part of Tommy's daily menu.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Or what of that infallible specific,</p> + <p class="i2">Your Pil. Cathartic Comp., or No. 9,</p> + <p>Whose world-wide influence must have been terrific</p> + <p class="i2">Since first it found its footing in the Line?</p> + <p>The British Tommy took it by the million—</p> + <p>Why should it fail to sell now he has turned civilian?</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>It is not base ingratitude that blinds him</p> + <p class="i2">To recognition of an ancient debt,</p> + <p>But rather that the sight of these reminds him</p> + <p class="i2">Of painful days which he would fain forget.</p> + <p>When life was one long round of guards and drills,</p> + <p>Marches, patrols, fatigues and sick parades—and pills.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Yet hear me, maker of the potent pilule:</p> + <p class="i2">Although my days of soldiering are o'er,</p> + <p>I'm fondly trusting that, when next I'm ill, you</p> + <p class="i2">Come to my rescue as you came of yore;</p> + <p>Meanwhile you'll understand that I, for one,</p> + <p>Refuse to buy your wares and eat them just for fun.</p> + </div> + </div> + +<hr /> + +<h4>A Dead Heat.</h4> + + <blockquote> + <p>"In the high jump final, Landen (U.S.A.) was first with a jump of 6ft. + 4½in.; Muller (U.S.A.) and E. Keleend (Sweeden) died for second + place."—<i>Provincial Paper.</i></p> + + </blockquote> +<hr class="short" /> + + <blockquote> + <p>"I heard Lord Rosebery say: 'Your little girl has got beautiful eyes.' + I repeated this upstairs with joy and excitement to the family, who ... + said they thought it was true enough if my eyes had not been so close + together."—<i>Extract from Autobiography of Margot Asquith.</i></p> + + </blockquote> + <p>Her "I's" are generally rather close together.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + + <blockquote> + <p>"The policy which should be adopted is first to take steps to prevent + prices continuing to rise, and then to endeavour to reduce them until the + purchasing power of the pound sterling is equal to the purchasing power + of the dollar."—<i>Financial Paper</i>.</p> + + </blockquote> + <p>Judging by the New York exchange good progress has been made in this + direction.</p> + +<hr /> + +<span class="pagenum"><a name="page151" id="page151"></a>[pg 151]</span> + + <div class="figcenter" style="width:100%;"> + <a href="images/146.png"><img width="100%" src="images/146.png" + alt="THE HOUSE-BREAKER." /></a> + <h3>THE "HOUSE"-BREAKER.</h3> + + <p class="center">OVERTHROW OF THE PARLIAMENT OF DEMOCRACY; A DREAM OF + THE "COUNCIL OF ACTION."</p> + </div> +<hr /> + +<span class="pagenum"><a name="page153" id="page153"></a>[pg 153]</span> + + <div class="figcenter" style="width:100%;"> + <a href="images/147.png"><img width="100%" src="images/147.png" + alt="He looks so rottenly respectable." /></a> + <p><i>Mother.</i> <font class="sc">"Your cousin Jim has offered to take + you to dinner and a theatre to-night. Aren't you pleased?"</font></p> + + <p><i>Daughter.</i> <font class="sc">"Oh, it's all right, but he looks + so rottenly respectable."</font></p> + </div> +<hr /> + +<h2>GEORGE, JANE AND LENIN.</h2> + + <p>Now that Soviet rule in England is apparently so imminent it seems to + me that we ought to consider a little more closely the application of its + practical machinery. The morning papers reach this village at three + o'clock in the afternoon, so that nobody is in to read them, and when one + comes back in the evening one is generally too lazy, but a couple of + rather startling sentences about the coming Communist <i>régime</i> have + recently caught my eye.</p> + + <p>"The people of England, like the people of Russia," runs the first, + "will soon be working under the lash." And the second, so far as I + remember, says, "Our rations will no doubt be reduced to half a herring + and some boiled bird-seed, which is all the unhappy Russians are getting + to eat."</p> + + <p>Before these changes fall suddenly upon us I think we should ponder a + little on the way in which they will affect our urban and agricultural + life.</p> + + <p>Take the House of Commons. A very large and symbolic knout might + occupy the position of the present mace, and from time to time the <font + class="sc">Speaker</font> could take it up and crack it. As this needs a + certain amount of practice it will be necessary to select a fairly horsey + man as Speaker, and the Whips, who will follow the same procedure, should + also be skilled practitioners. I see no difficulty in applying the same + method to commercial and factory life in general, still less to the + packing of the Underground Railway and the loading of motor-omnibuses and + trams.</p> + + <p>It is rather when we come to scattered rural communities that the + system seems likely to break down. Take the case of George Harrison in + this village. When I first met George Harrison, and he said that he + thought the weather was lifting, he was carrying a basket of red plums + which he offered to sell me for an old song. On subsequent occasions I + met him—</p> + + <p>1. Driving cows. (At least I suppose he was driving them; he was + sitting sideways on a large horse doing nothing in particular, and some + of the cows were going into one field and some into another, and a dog + was biting their tails indiscriminately.)</p> + + <p>2. Clearing muck and weeds out of the stream.</p> + + <p>3. Setting a springe for rabbits.</p> + + <p>4. Delivering letters, because the postman doesn't like walking up the + hill.</p> + + <p>Now I maintain that there would be insuperable difficulties in making + George carry out all these various activities under the lash. Anyone, I + suppose, under a properly constituted Soviet <i>régime</i> might be + detailed as George Harrison's lasher, Mr. <font + class="sc">Smillie</font>, Mr. <font class="sc">G.K. Chesterton</font>, + Lord <font class="sc">Curzon</font>, Mr. <font class="sc">Clynes</font> + or the Duke of <font class="sc">Northumberland</font>. Can you imagine + Mr. <font class="sc">Chesterton</font> walking about on guard duty in a + rabbit warren while George Harrison set springes in accordance with the + principles laid down by the Third Internationale for rabbit-snaring? or + the Duke of <font class="sc">Northumberland</font> standing in gum-boots + in the middle of a stream and flicking George Harrison about the trousers + if he didn't rake out old tin cans at forty to the minute as laid down by + the Moscow Code? Now I ask you.</p> + + <p>And then there is this half a herring and boiled bird-seed + arrangement. George Harrison has a sister of eighteen who kindly comes in + to do cooking and housework for us every day. She thinks <span + class="pagenum"><a name="page154" id="page154"></a>[pg 154]</span> us + frightfully queer, and if we bought some herrings and bird-seed and asked + her to cook them for us I have no doubt she would oblige, but, though she + doesn't much care what we eat, there are a lot of things she doesn't eat + herself, and fish is one of them. Porridge, which, I suppose, is a kind + of bird-seed, is another.</p> + + <p>Not that Jane calls it eating, by the way. She calls it "touching," + and there are any number of things that she doesn't fancy touching. She + will touch enormous platefuls of bacon or sausages or almost any + derivative of the domestic pig, and the same applies to puddings and + cake. But beef and mutton she does not touch, nor margarine, and we have + to be almost as careful that Jane Harrison has plenty of the right things + to touch as about the whole of the rest of the family.</p> + + <p>Now here again I think it would be quite possible to induce the people + of England in our large industrial centres to ration themselves on boiled + herring and bird-seed. We should not use those names, of course. The + advertisements on the hoardings would say:—</p> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p><font class="sc">The Bountiful Harvest of the Sea brought to the Breakfast Table</font></p> + </div> + </div> + + <p>or</p> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p><font class="sc">What Makes The Skylark so Happy?</font></p> + <p><font class="sc">Try Harraby's Hemp. A Song in Every Spoonful.</font></p> + </div> + </div> + + <p>But propaganda of that sort would have no effect on Jane. She would + simply say that she never cared to touch herrings and that she did not + fancy hemp-seed.</p> + + <p>When I consider the cases of George and Jane I am bound to believe + either that the Russian moujiks (if this is still the right word) are + more docile and tractable than ours, or else that the Soviet + <i>régime</i> will need a great deal of adaptation before it can be + extended to our English villages. Or, of course, it may be possible that + some of the minuter details of <font class="sc">M. Lenin's</font> + administration have not been fully revealed to me. I shall find out about + this no doubt when I return to London. In the meantime I am banking on + George and Jane, whatever the <font class="sc">Council of Action</font> + may do.</p> + +<p class="author"><font class="sc">Evoe</font>.</p> + +<hr /> + +<h4>The Old Order Changes.</h4> + + <blockquote> + <p>"'He brightened up a lot when his mother-in-law arrived,' said an + onlooker.—"<i>Provincial Paper.</i></p> + + </blockquote> +<hr /> + + <div class="figcenter" style="width:60%;"> + <a href="images/148.png"><img width="100%" src="images/148.png" + alt="Please, Sirr, what time wull it be?" /></a> + <p><i>Wee Donald Angus.</i> "<font class="sc">Please, Sirr, what time + wull it be?</font>"</p> + + <p><i>Literal Gentleman.</i> "<font class="sc">When?</font>"</p> + </div> +<hr /> + +<h2>LUCERNE.</h2> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>O, every dog must have its day</p> + <p class="i2">And ev'ry town its turn;</p> + <p>For fair is fair ... and, anyway,</p> + <p class="i2">Let's talk about Lucerne.</p> + </div> + </div> + + <p>Lucerne is in Switzerland, and I am in Lucerne. The moment I heard + that Mr. <font class="sc">Lloyd George</font> was coming to Lucerne I + felt that a new importance was added to Switzerland, to Lucerne, to me + and, if I may say so, to Mr. <font class="sc">Lloyd George</font>. But I + felt that, if I didn't do something about it, Lucerne and Mr. <font + class="sc">Lloyd George</font> would get away with all the credit and my + part in the affair would be overlooked.</p> + + <p>The question arose as to what to call that "something"? After a great + deal of thought I decided to try you with a short and simple "Lucerne," + one of my reasons being that, if you get down to the hard facts, there is + no such place.</p> + + <p>Try (as the G.P.O. suggests to disappointed envelopes)—try</p> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p><font class="sc">Luzern</font>.</p> + </div> + </div> + + <p>Now don't let us have any argument about it, please. It makes no + difference how long you have called the place "Lucerne" or how many of + you there are. It is no good saying that English people and French people + call it "Lucerne" and as victors the Entente have the right to impose + their wishes; and it is no good quoting authorities at me. Luzern calls + itself Luzern, and, to satisfy myself that it is not mistaken on the + point, I have obtained complete corroboration from the <i>Amtliches + Schweizerisches Kursbuch</i>, an authority whose very name is enough to + make your <i>Bradshaw</i> look silly and shut up.</p> + + <p>The avowed object of the <font class="sc">Premier</font> is to get + away from people and politics and to have at last a little uninterrupted + holiday. Probably he counts on the difficulty of getting at him there, + having regard to that terrible bit of the journey Bern—Luzern, + which covers sixty miles, takes three hours and involves twenty-four + stops, even if you take the mid-day express. There is a train in the + afternoon (its number is 5666, and I warn you against it) which takes + four hours, though it only stops twenty-four times also. The sinister + fact is that all the trains on this route stop as often as they can, + which I attribute to that general wave of idleness which is to-day + spreading over Europe. But number 5666 is worse than others; or else it + is getting old and tired. I notice that among the trains doing the return + journey there is no number 5666; I suppose it has just as much as it can + do to get there and that it never does return.</p> + + <p>The <font class="sc">Premier</font> was not far out to count on this + protective element, and it is still the fact that, if you approach Luzern + carelessly, it is ninety-nine to one that you will spend the best years + of your young life on that particular stretch of railway. But nowadays + there is a back way round, by Basel. Be quite firm in asking for your + ticket. If the ticket man says, "You mean Bâle?" or, "You mean Basle?" + say, "No, I don't. I mean Basel." You have me and my friend, <i>Amtliches + Schweizerisches Kursbuch</i>, behind you. Stick firmly to your point, and + by approaching Luzern from the North you will approach it by a real + express which only takes two hours to do its sixty miles and hardly stops + at all to take breath. So that finishes with Bern, as to the spelling of + which, though you would personally like to see some more "e's," you now + repose confidence in me. Would you like me to quote my authority?... All + right; I won't say it again if it frightens the children.</p> + + <p>In the old days of Peace, Luzern was full of honeymoon couples, and, + when Peace and honeymoons and all that sort of nonsense were put a stop + to, it became full of German interned prisoners of war. It boasts many + first-class hotels. One of them is patronised by the Greek ex-Royal + Family. A little unfortunate; but still you cannot expect to come and + enjoy yourself in Switzerland without the risk of running <span + class="pagenum"><a name="page155" id="page155"></a>[pg 155]</span> into + an ex-Royal Family every corner you go round, and, what is more, a Royal + Family that wouldn't be ex- if it wasn't for you. It is a very good + hotel, and I recommend it for anyone who proposes just to pop over + here.</p> + + <p>Get hold of L.G. while he is not busy and explain to him how + thoroughly misguided all his policies are, especially as to the Near + East. My idea is to group, according to subject and side, all those who + intend to get hold of the <font class="sc">Premier</font>, while he is + alone, and to have a quiet chat with him. I have my eye on a large hangar + on the other side of the Lake, which was built to house a dirigible and + ought to hold the bulk of those who want a word about Ireland, a place + they could put right in five minutes if it was left to them. Deputations + which have some idea of declaring strikes, general strikes and + international strikes, if matters are not arranged to their liking, will + be received between the hours of ten and twelve, and two and four, at the + Kursaal. Saturday afternoons and Sundays will be reserved for quiet + walks. I am mapping out some interesting routes, marking with a red dot + the spots where the <font class="sc">Premier</font> is likely to stop and + admire the view, and where you can approach him quietly from behind and + involve him in an argument about Russia before he has time to get + away.</p> + + <p>Image a <font class="sc">Premier</font> arrived at the end of all the + beautiful sights to be seen locally, inured to all the magnificent + scenery around him, and no longer attracted by the novelty of life + abroad, longing, it may be, for just one touch of home. Then is the + moment for the little surprise I am keeping for him up my sleeve. "Come + along to a place close by," I shall say to him, for I see myself with the + whole business well in my hands now; "come along to a village I know, + whose very name will make you feel at home."</p> + + <p>Just outside Luzern we stop at Meggen, but it's not that. Kussnacht + gets us well abroad again, and there is nothing particularly homely about + Immensee, Arth-Goldau, Steinen, Schwyz or Brunnen. In fact I can see my + <font class="sc">Premier</font> getting suspicious and wondering what new + political move this may be, when suddenly there will burst upon his + astonished gaze—</p> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p><font class="sc">Fluellen.</font></p> + </div> + </div> + + <p>Let us leave him there, alone with his emotions, into which it would + be impertinent to probe. I may tell you quietly apart that there is a + difference of opinion between me and <i>Amtliches Schweizerisches + Kursbuch</i> about this name. He wants to ration the l's, but, having + been there and heard the name pronounced, I have refused to be taught how + to spell a good Welsh name by a darned foreigner. If we are going to have + any nonsense about it I have said that I shall stand out for the proper, + full and uncorrupt spelling: <font class="sc">Fllewellyn</font>.</p> + +<hr /> + + <div class="figcenter" style="width:100%;"> + <a href="images/149.png"><img width="100%" src="images/149.png" + alt="Chuck it, Missus." /></a> + <p class="center">"'<font class="sc">Ere—chuck it, Missus. Why + can't yer let us fight in peace?</font>"</p> + </div> +<hr /> + + <blockquote> + <p>"'That,' declared Mr. Lloyd George amid loud cheers, 'is one of the + most formidable challenges ever given to democracy. Without hesitation + every Government must accept that challenge.' 'Certainly we will,' + retorted the Prime Minister."—<i>Evening Paper.</i></p> + + </blockquote> + <p>No wonder Mr. <font class="sc">Lloyd George</font> wants a holiday if + he has begun to talk to himself.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + + <blockquote> + <p>"A telegram from Paris says: It is announced here that an agreement + has been concluded between France, Great Britain and Italy regarding the + delimitation of the open golf championship."—<i>Provincial + Paper.</i></p> + + </blockquote> + <p>It will be noticed that America seems once more to have held aloof + from the councils of the Allies.</p> + +<hr /> + +<span class="pagenum"><a name="page156" id="page156"></a>[pg 156]</span> + +<h2>"TO HIM THAT HATH ..."</h2> + + <p>It was Butterington who first put me up to the idea. I asked him a + simple question about the habits of the Sigalion Boa, a certain worm in + whose ways I was taking an interest at the time, and he at once replied + that he himself was not in the fur line.</p> + + <p>"Whenever," he went on, "I require information on any subject I apply + to my bank. Why don't you do the same?"</p> + + <p>This opened up an entirely new prospect. To me my bank was an + institution which kept my accounts, issued money and, on occasion, lent + it. It never entered my head that it was also ready to perform the + functions of an inquiry office and information bureau.</p> + + <p>Previous communications from me had always begun, "Sir, with reference + to my overdraft"—you know the sort of thing one generally writes to + banks; expostulating, tactful, temporising letters.</p> + + <p>This time however I addressed them in different vein. Rejecting all + mention of overdrafts as being in doubtful taste, I wrote:—</p> + + <p><font class="sc">Sir</font>,—I shall be greatly obliged if you + will kindly inform me, at your early convenience:</p> + + <p>(1) Whether it is a fact that the African rhinoceros has no hair on + the hind legs?</p> + + <p>(2) Whether, in the case of my backing Pegasus in the first race, 'any + to come' on Short Time in the fourth, and Short Time not starting, I am + entitled to my winnings over Pegasus?</p> + + <p>(3) Whether, after perusing seventeen favourable reports from mining + engineers and eighty-seven enthusiastic directors' speeches, I am + justified in assuming that gold actually does exist in the Bonanzadorado + mine?</p> + +<p class="center">Yours faithfully,<br /> +<font class="sc">Thesiger Cholmondeley Beauchamp.</font></p> + + <p>After some delay they answered as follows:—</p> + + <p><font class="sc">Sir</font>,—We have much pleasure in replying + to the queries contained in your favour, of the 27th ult.:—</p> + + <blockquote> + <p>(1) Yes; (2) Yes; (3) No.</p> + + </blockquote> + <p>Assuring you always of our best endeavours in your service,</p> + +<p class="center">We remain, Yours faithfully,<br /> +<i>per pro</i> The Cosmopolitan Bkg. Corpn.<br /> +<font class="sc">C.O. Shine.</font></p> + + <p>So far so good. The Bank's manner left nothing to be desired, and its + replies were certainly to the point. I began to think of Mr. C.O. Shine + as my personal friend and speculated as to whether his first name were + Claude or Clarence.</p> + + <p>During the following week, whenever I became curious on any subject, I + made notes of fresh queries to propound. After accumulating a sufficient + number I again wrote to the Bank. I forget the exact points upon which I + required information; one of them, I fancy, was the conjectured geologic + age of the Reichardtite strata. Anyhow I got no answer to any of + them.</p> + + <p>Instead, three days later, I received the following letter:—</p> + + <p><font class="sc">Sir</font>,—We regret to announce that, owing + to a clerical error in this office, your account was last month wrongly + credited with a cheque for £13,097 5<i>s.</i> 10<i>d.</i> which was made + payable to another client of the same name.</p> + + <p>Adjustments have now been made which reveal a balance on your account + of £110 11<i>s.</i> 3<i>d.</i> <i>in our favour</i>. We trust that you + will find it convenient to cover this overdraft at an early date.</p> + + <p>With reference to your letter of the 19th inst. containing assorted + inquiries, we beg to intimate that we can in no circumstances undertake + to advise clients on general matters which lie outside the scope of our + interests.</p> + +<p class="center">Yours faithfully,<br /> +<i>per pro</i> The Cosmopolitan Bkg. Corpn.<br /> +<font class="sc">Charles O. Shine.</font></p> + + <p>And this time C.O.S. did not even "remain" in the plural.</p> + + <p>I at once showed Butterington this offensive communication.</p> + + <p>"Well," said he, "of course they won't answer communications unless + you have a balance."</p> + + <p>That is the way rich men talk.</p> + + <p>"I am never without one," I replied with dignity, "on one side or the + other."</p> + + <p>"There you differ from your namesake, whose balance is clearly always + on the right side. Hence that first kindly letter, addressed to you in + error."</p> + +<hr /> + +<h2>THE ROMANCE OF ADVERTISEMENT.</h2> + + <p>The following items, culled from recent issues of <i>The Daily + Lure</i>, show where you should go to find really interesting, + stimulating and flat-catching notices:—</p> + + <p>Partner, with not less than five thousand pounds, wanted for a + wild-duck farm in the island of Mull. Must be a man of iron constitution; + Gaelic speaker and teetotaler preferred.</p> + +<p class="center">* * *</p> + + <p>Wanted, a cheap Desert Island, with a good water-supply and home + comforts, by a Georgian poet weary of the racket of Hammersmith.</p> + +<p class="center">* * *</p> + + <p>Complete suits of armour, guaranteed bottle-proof, ten guineas each, + suitable for elderly pedestrians in charabanc areas.</p> + +<p class="center">* * *</p> + + <p>Madame Bogolubov, Crystal-gazer in ordinary to the ex-King <font + class="sc">Constantine</font>, is prepared for a small fee to advise + intending explorers, prospectors or treasure-seekers as to suitable spots + for excavation, oil-boring, etc.</p> + +<p class="center">* * *</p> + + <p>Disused Martello Tower on the Irish coast, fifty miles from a police + barrack, offered cheap as an appropriate basis of observation to psychic + enthusiasts anxious to study the ways of leprechauns, banshees, etc.</p> + +<p class="center">* * *</p> + + <p>Genuine portraits by <font class="sc">Van Dyck</font>, <font + class="sc">Velasquez</font> and <font class="sc">Rembrandt</font> must be + sold immediately to pay a debt of honour. Price thirty shillings each, or + would take part payment in pre-war whisky.</p> + +<p class="center">* * *</p> + + <p>Semi-paralysed Yugo-Slav professor, speaking seventeen languages, will + give lessons to neo-plutocrats in the correct pronunciation of the names + of all the foreign singers, dancers and artists performing or exhibiting + in London.</p> + +<p class="center">* * *</p> + + <p>Persons interested in edible fungi may be glad to take shares in a + fungus plantation about to be started in the neighbourhood of Toller + Porcorum, Dorchester.</p> + +<hr /> + +<h3>THE RETURN OF THE COLONEL.</h3> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>House, the enigmatic Colonel, <font class="sc">Wilson's</font> right-hand man in France</p> + <p>When the <font class="sc">President</font> was leading Peace's great Parisian dance,</p> + <p>Once again returns to Europe as a journalist free-lance.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>He's a most sagacious person, indisposed to carp or grouse,</p> + <p>So we hope he'll be successful, aided by his tact and <i>nous</i>,</p> + <p>In upholding Mr. <font class="sc">Wilson</font>, <i>not</i> in bringing down the House.</p> + </div> + </div> + +<hr /> + +<h4>The Ubiquitous Scot.</h4> + + <p>From <i>The Times'</i> summary of news:—</p> + + <blockquote> + <p>"Our Constantinople correspondent, in a message reviewing the + situation in Armenia, states that the Armenians have captured the ancient + town of Nakhitchevan, where a Tartan Government had been set up."</p> + + </blockquote> + <p>Small wonder that, people complain that no place is safe from + Scotland's activities. Meanwhile there seems a likelihood of a Tarzan + Government being set up in the film world.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + + <p>From Mrs. <font class="sc">Asquith's</font> reminiscences:</p> + + <blockquote> + <p>"One day after this conversation he [the late Lord Salisbury] came to + see me in Cavendish Square, bringing with him a signed photograph of + himself. This was in the year 1904, at the height of the controversy over + Protection."—<i>Sunday Times.</i></p> + + </blockquote> + <p>As Lord <font class="sc">Salisbury</font> is generally supposed to + have died in 1903, Sir <font class="sc">Arthur Conan Doyle</font> has + been requested to investigate the incident.</p> + +<hr /> + +<span class="pagenum"><a name="page157" id="page157"></a>[pg 157]</span> + +<h2>THE EVIL THAT MEN DO.</h2> + + <div class="figright" style="width:30%;"> + <a href="images/151-3.png"><img width="100%" src="images/151-3.png" + alt="THE EVIL THAT MEN DO. (3)" /></a> + <p><font class="sc">He stole away—</font></p> + </div> + <div class="figright" style="width:30%;"> + <a href="images/151-2.png"><img width="100%" src="images/151-2.png" + alt="THE EVIL THAT MEN DO. (2)" /></a> + <p><font class="sc">Smith, of all people, dropped a catch.</font></p> + </div> + <div class="figleft" style="width:30%;"> + <a href="images/151-1.png"><img width="100%" src="images/151-1.png" + alt="THE EVIL THAT MEN DO. (1)" /></a> + <p><font class="sc">The last man was in and with only one run + wanted—</font></p> + </div> +<br clear="all" /> + + <div class="figright" style="width:30%;"> + <a href="images/151-6.png"><img width="100%" src="images/151-6.png" + alt="THE EVIL THAT MEN DO. (6)" /></a> + <p><font class="sc">to leave the country.</font></p> + </div> + <div class="figright" style="width:30%;"> + <a href="images/151-5.png"><img width="100%" src="images/151-5.png" + alt="THE EVIL THAT MEN DO. (5)" /></a> + <p><font class="sc">He decided—</font></p> + </div> + <div class="figleft" style="width:30%;"> + <a href="images/151-4.png"><img width="100%" src="images/151-4.png" + alt="THE EVIL THAT MEN DO. (4)" /></a> + <p><font class="sc">but his sin followed him.</font></p> + </div> +<br clear="all" /> + + <div class="figright" style="width:30%;"> + <a href="images/151-9.png"><img width="100%" src="images/151-9.png" + alt="THE EVIL THAT MEN DO. (9)" /></a> + <p><font class="sc">"Yes, I once saw him play when I was quite a lad. + On that occasion he had the misfortune to drop a catch."</font></p> + </div> + <div class="figright" style="width:30%;"> + <a href="images/151-8.png"><img width="100%" src="images/151-8.png" + alt="THE EVIL THAT MEN DO. (8)" /></a> + <p><font class="sc">"Good heavens, Smith, I haven't seen you since you + dropped that catch at the Circle."</font></p> + </div> + <div class="figleft" style="width:30%;"> + <a href="images/151-7.png"><img width="100%" src="images/151-7.png" + alt="THE EVIL THAT MEN DO. (7)" /></a> + <p><font class="sc">After many years he returned.</font></p> + </div> +<br clear="all" /> + +<hr /> + +<span class="pagenum"><a name="page158" id="page158"></a>[pg 158]</span> + +<h2>AT THE PLAY.</h2> + +<p class="center">"<font class="sc">His Lady Friends.</font>"</p> + + <p>The humours of the average farce are so elemental that in the matter + of its setting there is small need to worry about geographical or + ethnical considerations. Of course, if its <i>locale</i> is French you + may have to modify its freedom of thought and speech, but with a very + little accommodation to national proprieties you can either transplant + the setting of your play or you can leave it where it was and make use of + the convention that for stage purposes all Frenchmen have a perfect + command of our tongue and idiom. But to take a frankly English novel by + an English writer, adapt it, as Messrs. <font class="sc">Nyitray</font> + and <font class="sc">Mandel</font> have done, for the American stage with + an American setting, and then bring it over here and produce it with only + one or two actors in the whole cast to illustrate the purity of the + American accent, is perhaps to presume rather too much on our generous + lack of intelligence.</p> + + <p>However we have got Mr. <font class="sc">Charles Hawtrey</font> back + again and that is what really matters. As a philanderer protesting + innocence in the face of damnatory facts we know him well enough; but + here we have him innocent and ingenuous as an angel, yet hard put to it + to convince anyone but himself of his guilelessness. A millionaire + (dollars) with a wife of economic disposition, who declines to spend his + money for him, he feels drawn to a course of knight-errantry and rides + abroad in search of damsels in pecuniary distress, with the avowed object + of "spreading a little sunshine."</p> + + <div class="figright" style="width:50%;"> + <a href="images/152.png"><img width="100%" src="images/152.png" + alt="I want to spread a little sunshine." /></a> + <p class="center">"I want to spread a little sunshine."</p> + + <div class="i16"> + <p><i>James Smith</i> ... Mr. <font class="sc">Charles + Hawtrey.</font></p> + + <p><i>Eva Johns</i> ... Miss <font class="sc">Joan Barry.</font></p> + </div> + </div> + <p>This quest, as you will easily understand, was not a very difficult + one for a man prepared to be imposed upon by just any adventuress, and in + the neighbourhood of his various business-branches, San Francisco, + Washington, Boston, he soon found a ready channel for the employment of + his superfluous wealth. The natural affection, however, which his + generosity inspired was not utilised by him, and you must try to believe + that, in spite of the most sinister appearances, he remained a faithful + husband.</p> + + <p>With the methods by which he appeased his wife's suspicions I will not + trouble you, partly because I could not follow them myself, owing to the + obscurity of the plot at its most critical moment. Enough that all ends + well with her firmly-expressed resolution that in the future she will + herself do all the necessary squandering.</p> + + <p>Mr. <font class="sc">Charles Hawtrey</font> as <i>James Smith</i> was + irresistible in most of the old ways and a few new ones. The play would + have gone poorly without him, in spite of the piquancy of Miss <font + class="sc">Joan Barry</font> as a flapper, the fourth and final recipient + of his chaste bounty. Miss <font class="sc">Jessie Bateman</font> as + <i>Mrs. James Smith</i> had no chance till just at the end with the + turning of the worm. To the part of <i>Lucille Early</i>—the + <i>Earlys</i>, as a couple, were designed to contrast with the + <i>Smiths</i>, the wife in this case spending the money which the husband + hadn't got—Miss <font class="sc">Athene Seyler</font>, who was + meant for better things, gave a certain distinction, but perhaps + "pressed" a little too much. Mr. <font class="sc">James Carew</font>, who + played <i>Edward Early</i>, was conspicuous as the sole male + representative of the American language in this American play. The + fleeting visions that we had of Miss <font class="sc">Mona + Harrison</font> as a refractory and venal cook excited general approval. + The three <i>protegées</i> of <i>James Smith</i> were only faintly + distinguishable in their rather crude banality.</p> + + <p>The fun of the farce differed from that of most farces in depending + less upon situations than upon dialogue. The First Act, with the + situations still to come, was the best. I have not had the good fortune + to read Miss <font class="sc">Edgington's</font> novel, but one might be + permitted to assume, from the excellence of much of the wit, that, + whatever the play may in other respects have lacked of subtlety or + refinement, such defect was no fault of hers. What Mr. <font + class="sc">Charles Hawtrey</font> himself thought of it all I cannot say, + but the play did not begin to compare, either for irony or singleness of + motive, with the last two in which he figured, <i>The Naughty Wife</i> + and <i>Home and Beauty.</i> He clearly enjoyed his own part, but it was + rather noticeable that in his brief speech at the fall of the curtain he + confined himself to a personal acknowledgment of the public's sympathy + with him in his illness and their loyalty throughout his career, and made + no reference to the play or its authors.</p> + +<p class="author">O.S.</p> + +<hr /> + +<h3>A SUPER-SURPRISE.</h3> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>I have not seen the stalking</p> + <p class="i2">By a rabbit of a bear,</p> + <p>Nor yet an oyster walking</p> + <p class="i2">Sedately up the stair;</p> + <p>But a marvel as amazing</p> + <p class="i2">Inspires these doggerel rhymes,</p> + <p>For I've read a leader praising</p> + <p class="i2">The <font class="sc">Premier</font> in <i>The Times</i>.</p> + </div> + </div> + +<hr /> + +<h4>A House-Warming.</h4> + + <blockquote> + <p>"Considerable damage was done by fire at —— Cottage on + Wednesday evening. The stairs, part of the floor, doors, furniture, etc., + were destroyed.</p> + + <p>—— presided at the piano, and Mrs. —— presided + over the refreshments. 'God save the King' was sung at the close of the + enjoyable day."—<i>Local Paper</i>.</p> + + </blockquote> +<hr class="short" /> + + <p>The Labour "Council of Action" have kindly stated that they are + "content to leave the French Government to the French people." They are + however reserving the right to leave the British Government to the + Bolshevists.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + + <blockquote> + <p>"We must repeat the Scots proverb that—'Delays are + dangerous.'"—<i>Sunday Paper.</i></p> + + </blockquote> + <p>Or, as <font class="sc">Dryden</font> says in his Address to a Haggis, + "De'il tak' the hindmost."</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + + <blockquote> + <p>"The proportion of sane to insane persons in civilized countries is + about one to 300."—<i>Canadian Paper</i>.</p> + + </blockquote> + <p>Surely Carlyle said something very like this years ago.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + +<h4>Commercial Candour.</h4> + + <blockquote> + <p><font class="sc">"Raincoats at less than cost price last 3 + days.</font>"—<i>Advert. in Provincial Paper</i>.</p> + + </blockquote> +<hr /> + + <blockquote> + <p>"Lady has Left-off Clothing; privately."—<i>Provincial + Paper.</i></p> + + </blockquote> + <p>Of course. That goes without saying.</p> + +<hr /> + +<span class="pagenum"><a name="page159" id="page159"></a>[pg 159]</span> + + <div class="figcenter" style="width:100%;"> + <a href="images/153.png"><img width="100%" src="images/153.png" + alt="Why didn't you hang on to the favourite?" /></a> + <p><i>Trainer</i> (<i>to Irish apprentice who has finished among the + "also ran"</i>). <font class="sc">"Why didn't you hang on to the + favourite? Didn't I tell you you were the only one he was afraid + of."</font></p> + + <p><i>Apprentice.</i> <font class="sc">"That's just it, sorr. 'Twas the + way he was so afraid of me, whin we came into the straight, he just + fled away from me."</font></p> + </div> +<hr /> + +<h2>OUR BOOKING-OFFICE.</h2> + +<p class="center">(<i>By Mr. Punch's Staff of Learned Clerks.</i>)</p> + + <p>Those who appreciate the short story of quality will be pleasantly + stirred by the announcement of <i>Island Tales</i> (<font + class="sc">Mills and Boon</font>), a posthumous volume containing what is + probably the last writing of the late <font class="sc">Jack + London</font>. I can say at once that these seven stories show his art in + one aspect of its best. Not here the <font class="sc">London</font>, whom + some of us might prefer, of the strenuous adventure-tale, with whom there + was no respite till, at the end of anything up to a hundred + sinew-cracking pages, we won through to the appointed end. That South Sea + atmosphere, so insidiously appealing to the literary temperament (from + <font class="sc">Stevenson</font> to <font class="sc">Stacpoole</font> + you can see it at work) has steeped these tales in the lotus-leisure of + perpetual afternoon, so that the action of them tends to become overlaid + by slow reflective talk, old memories and the sense of ancient things. + Most notable is this in the first, where the actual romance, quick, human + and haunting, does not so much as show its face till after forty pages of + old-time local colour. Perhaps of all the seven I myself would prefer the + last—"The Kanaka Surf," a slight intrigue, but a perfect epic of + such bathing as, I suppose, can be understood nowhere but on these + enchanted coasts. To read it is to realise what a loss we suffer in one + who could put such jewelled loveliness on to the printed page—and + what another loss in not seeing the original for ourselves. I suppose no + tribute to the power of genius could be more eloquent.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + + <p>After the German Revolution of 1918, <font class="sc">Karl + Kautsky</font>, a prominent Socialist, was appointed by the new + Government to examine and edit the documents in the Berlin Foreign Office + relating to the outbreak of the War. His work was completed in time for + the Peace Conference and would, he believes, if published at that time, + have convinced the Allies that the new German Government ought not to be + made responsible for the sins of the old one. But it would also have + shown that the old Government was the main instigator of the War, and + that the German people, having danced to the tune, even if they did not + call for it, deserved to pay the piper. For that reason, perhaps, the + German Government withheld Herr <font class="sc">Kautsky's</font> + revelations. Now he has published them on his own account, under the + title, <i>The Guilt of William Hohenzollern</i> (<font + class="sc">Skeffington</font>). A more damning indictment has never been + drawn. From the moment of the <font class="sc">Archduke's</font> + assassination the <font class="sc">Kaiser</font> and his advisers + determined to make it the pretext for destroying Serbia, and crushing + Russia and France if they dared to interfere. <font + class="sc">Bismarck</font> once said that "never are so many lies told as + before a war, during an election and after a shoot." His own manipulation + of the Ems telegram was venial compared to the manner in which the German + diplomatists, egged on by their ruler—whose <i>marginalia</i> on + the <span class="pagenum"><a name="page160" id="page160"></a>[pg + 160]</span> despatches furnish the most amusing reading in the + volume—used all the arts of chicanery to deceive Europe as to their + real intentions and to defeat the efforts of England—on whose + neutrality they confidently counted—to secure a peaceful + settlement. Though primarily addressed to the German proletariat, Herr + <font class="sc">Kautsky's</font> book has its value for all of + us—"lest we forget."</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + + <p>On page 103 of <i>The White Hen</i> (<font class="sc">Mills and + Boon</font>) we read that the <i>Duke</i> laughed softly. "'It is just + like a romance,' he sighed happily;" which was precisely where, without + intending it, the <i>Duke</i> placed his ducal finger upon the weak spot + in the whole business. Because if ever a story was "like a romance," and + like nothing else on earth, and filled with characters each and all + pledged to preserve its unreality at all costs, here is that tale. The + plot, of which there is a generous allowance, turns chiefly upon the + problem, when is a white hen less a hen than a jewel casket? Answer, when + she has swallowed, and is erroneously thought to have retained, a famous + diamond, upon which an impoverished but noble (see above) French family + had depended for the <i>dot</i> that should enable their daughter to wed + a plutocratic but otherwise detestable suitor. I take it you will hardly + need telling that this is the moment chosen by Romance, under the expert + guidance of Miss <font class="sc">Phyllis Campbell</font>, to bring along + an even more wealthy young American, mistaken (of course) for his own + chauffeur and working such havoc upon the heart of the heroine that, when + the latter accidentally recovered the diamond from its feathered + <i>cache</i>, she very sensibly decided to say nothing about it. + Whereupon, because the other characters, especially an unpleasant + Duchess, were unaware that, as the shop announcements say, "Poultry was + Down Again," much profitable confusion resulted, though nothing to impugn + the justice of the ducal verdict quoted above. So that, if your taste + jumps with that of his Grace, you also can "sigh happily;" otherwise you + will perhaps omit the adverb—and select a story less exclusively + romantic.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + + <p>There is a spirit of Yorkshire and a spirit, I suppose, characteristic + of Suburbia, and on the outskirts of certain large manufacturing towns + there must exist a formidable blending of these two. To express the + double flavour of this essence requires, I should say, a subtler and more + elaborate method than Mr. <font class="sc">W. Riley</font> has attempted + to use in <i>A Yorkshire Suburb</i> (<font class="sc">Jenkins</font>). He + has imagined for the purpose of these sketches an architect, + <i>Murgatroyd</i>, who in planning most of the houses in the locality has + attempted to express in brick and stone the characters of their several + occupants. This is a device which becomes rather monotonous as the book + proceeds, besides imposing a series of strains which neither architecture + nor credulity can easily bear. Since these are rather superior + suburbanites, dialect is for the most part absent, and it is hard to feel + that they are very different people from those who live about the borders + of Manchester or London; a character like <i>Mrs. Flitch</i>, for + instance, who is angelic to behold but a spiteful gossip at heart, is, + alas! to be found anywhere. And where the dialect does crop out it does + not seem to be dependent on suburban soil for its raciness. I don't doubt + the accuracy of Mr. <font class="sc">Riley's</font> Yorkshiremanship, but + I do think he has under-estimated the difficulty of localising the + peculiar genius of villadom.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + + <p>Though billed by her publisher as a merciless analyst, Mrs. <font + class="sc">Mordaunt</font> is really (if you want to fling this kind of + title about) an eclectic synthetist or synthetic symbolist. Her wicked + people are prodigiously wicked, wickedness personified, in fact; her good + folk are noble-hearted without stint or measure. I don't personally think + that anybody could be quite so completely and gratuitously evil as + good-looking <i>Charles Hoyland</i> in <i>The Little Soul</i> (<font + class="sc">Hutchinson</font>); or, being so, could possibly be + recommended, still less engaged, as tutor to a sensitive youth; or, being + so engaged, tolerated for two days. He certainly could not hold down his + job long enough to corrupt his pupil, <i>Anthony Clayton</i>, by + exchanging souls with him under the nose of mad but perceptive <i>Mrs. + Clayton</i> and sane sister <i>Diana</i>. This conspicuously chaste + <i>Diana</i> is an attractive person, and so is the recklessly charitable + <i>Dr. McCabe</i>, her appropriate mate, who first had to fly the country + through helping a chorus-girl out of a difficulty and then (more or less) + won the War by revolutionising bacteriology or something like that. + However, Mrs. <font class="sc">Mordaunt</font> interests because she is + so palpably interested herself.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + + <p>The scenes of <i>Lure of Contraband</i> (<font + class="sc">Jarrolds</font>) are laid in the Devonshire of some hundred + years ago. It is, as its title suggests, a tale of smuggling, and it + contains an account of a hand-to-hand fight between the hero and the + villain which I advise all members of the National Sporting Club to read. + They may be shocked by the tactics of the villain, but at the same time + they will see what a bout of fisticuffs meant in those days. Mr. <font + class="sc">J. Weare Giffard</font> is a master of atmosphere, and I, at + any rate, lived happily in his Appledore, and imagined myself drinking + prime (and cheap) French brandy in the Beaver Inn; while <i>Lieutenant + Perkins</i>, who commanded the "preventive men," sat in his tall-backed + chair by the fireplace and kept his eyes and ears open to detect anything + that was suspicious. But he was not foolish enough to ask many questions + about the French brandy. An excellent yarn, simply and straight-forwardly + told.</p> + +<hr /> + + <div class="figcenter" style="width:50%;"> + <a href="images/154.png"><img width="100%" src="images/154.png" + alt="And what do you think of Lloyd George?" /></a> + <p><i>Customer.</i> "<font class="sc">And what do you think of Lloyd + George?</font>"</p> + + <p><i>Barber.</i> "<font class="sc">Think of 'im, Sir? With a mop of + 'air like 'e's got—a nice example to the nation!</font>"</p> + </div> +<hr /> + + <blockquote> + <p>"A photograph of the Olympic games at Antwerp was transmitted + yesterday to Paris, a distance of 200 miles, over a telephone wire. It is + in the nature of an experiment, and if it succeeds Messrs. Cook hold out + promises of further day trips to the Continent."—<i>Daily + Paper.</i></p> + + </blockquote> + <p>Intending trippers must, of course, be proficient in the tight-rope + wire.</p> + + + + + + + + +<pre> + + + + + +End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. +159, August 25th, 1920, by Various + +*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH *** + +***** This file should be named 16727-h.htm or 16727-h.zip ***** +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: + https://www.gutenberg.org/1/6/7/2/16727/ + +Produced by Jonathan Ingram, Keith Edkins and the Online +Distributed Proofreading Team at https://www.pgdp.net + + +Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions +will be renamed. + +Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no +one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation +(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without +permission and without paying copyright royalties. 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