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diff --git a/16717-8.txt b/16717-8.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..5d52f0f --- /dev/null +++ b/16717-8.txt @@ -0,0 +1,2164 @@ +The Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 159, +September 1st, 1920, by Various + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 159, September 1st, 1920 + +Author: Various + +Release Date: September 18, 2005 [EBook #16717] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1 + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH *** + + + + +Produced by Jonathan Ingram, Keith Edkins and the Online +Distributed Proofreading Team at https://www.pgdp.net + + + + + +PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. + +VOL. 159. + + + +September 1st, 1920. + + + + +CHARIVARIA. + +A Newcastle miner who was stated to be earning a pound a day has been fined +ten pounds for neglecting his children. The idea of waiting till September +20th and letting Mr. SMILLIE neglect them does not seem to have occurred to +him. + +* * * + +"Beyond gardening," says a gossip writer, "Mr. SMILLIE has few hobbies." At +the same time there is no doubt he is busy getting together a fine +collection of strikes. + +* * * + +It is said that AMUNDSEN will not return to civilisation this year. If he +was thinking of Ireland he isn't missing any civilisation worth mentioning. + +* * * + +"The POET LAUREATE," says a weekly paper, "has not written an ode to +British weather." So that can't be the cause of it. + +* * * + +A Wolverhampton man weighing seventeen stone, in charging another with +assault, said he heard somebody laughing at him, so he looked round. A man +of that weight naturally would. + +* * * + +"There is work for everybody who likes to work," says Mr. N. GRATTAN DOYLE, +M.P. It is this tactless way of rubbing it in which annoys so many people. + +* * * + +A contemporary has a letter from a correspondent who signs himself "Tube +Traveller of Twenty Years' Standing." Somebody ought to offer the poor +fellow a seat. + +* * * + +In connection with the case of a missing railway-porter one railway line +has decided to issue notices warning travellers against touching porters +while they are in motion. + +* * * + +"The United States," declares the proprietor of a leading New York hotel, +"is on the eve of going wet again." A subtle move of this kind, with the +object of depriving drink of its present popularity, is said to be making a +strong appeal to the Prohibitionists. + +* * * + +One London firm is advertising thirty thousand alarum-clocks for sale at +reduced prices. There is now no excuse for any workman being late at a +strike. + +* * * + +A centenarian in the Shetlands, says a news agency, has never heard of Mr. +LLOYD GEORGE. We have no wish to brag, but we have often seen his name +mentioned. + +* * * + +Professor PETRIE'S statement that the world will only last another two +hundred thousand years is a sorry blow to those who thought that _Chu Chin +Chow_ was in for a long run. Otherwise the news has been received quietly. + +* * * + +"Nothing useful is ever done in the House of Commons," says a Labour +speaker. He forgets that the cleaners are at work in the building just now. + +* * * + +We are informed that at the Bricklaying contest at the Olympic Games a +British bricklayer lost easily. + +* * * + +"A dress designer," says a Camomile Street dressmaker in _The Evening +News_, "must be born." We always think this is an advantage. + +* * * + +A gossip-writer points out that Mr. WINSTON CHURCHILL'S earliest ambition +was to be an actor. Our contemporary is wise not to disclose the name of +the man who talked him out of it. + +* * * + +"Whatever price is fixed it is impossible to get stone in any quantity," +says a building trade journal. They have evidently not heard of our +coal-dealer. + +* * * + +"Nothing of any value has been gained by the War," complains a daily paper. +This slur on the O.B.E. is in shocking taste. + +* * * + +A Sunday newspaper deplores that there seems to be no means of checking the +crime-wave which is still spreading throughout the country. If only the +Government would publish the amount of American bacon recently purchased by +the Prisons' Department things might tend to improve. + +* * * + +"There is still a great shortage of gold in the country," announces a +weekly paper. It certainly seems as if our profiteers will soon have to be +content with having their teeth stopped with bank-notes. + +* * * + +We regret to learn that the amateur gardener whose marrows were awarded the +second prize for cooking-apples at a horticultural show is still confined +to his bed. + +* * * + +A neck-ruffle originally worn by QUEEN ELIZABETH has been stolen from a +house in Manchester and has not yet been recovered. Any reader noticing a +suspicious-looking person wearing such an article over her _décolleté_ +should immediately communicate with the nearest police-station. + +* * * + +Hair tonic, declares the Washington Chief of Police, is growing in +popularity as a beverage. The danger of this habit has been widely +advertised by the sad case of a Chicago man who drank three shampoo +cocktails and afterwards swallowed a hair in his soup. + +* * * + +The mystery of the City gentleman who has been noticed lately going up to +public telephones and getting immediate answers is now solved. It appears +that he is a well-known ventriloquist with a weakness for practical jokes. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: "I NEVER ORDERED IT--AND I WON'T PAY FOR IT."] + + * * * * * + + "According to the latest census returns, the population of New York + City is now £5,621,000."--_Indian Paper._ + +In dollars, of course, it would be considerably more. + + * * * * * + + "The Royal Dutch Mail steamer Stuyvesant will leave on Monday at 5 a.m. + for Havre and Amsterdam. The tender leaves the Lighthouse Jetty at 8 + a.m. punctually with passengers."--_West Indian Paper._ + +Rather a mean trick to play on them. + + * * * * * + + "The Chairman said the Council had never paid one penny for the oiling + and washing of the fire brigade."--_Local Paper._ + +It is understood that while the noble fellows do not object to washing at +reasonable intervals, they strongly deprecate oiling as unnecessarily +adding to the risks of their dangerous calling. + + * * * * * + +MR. SMILLIE'S LITTLE ARMAGEDDON. + + Shall she, the England unafraid, + That came by steady courage through + The toughest war was ever made + And wiped the earth with WILLIAM TWO + (Who, though it strikes us now as odd, + Was, in his way, a sort of little god)-- + + Shall she that stood serene and firm, + Sure of her will to stay and win, + Cry "Comrade!" on her knees and squirm + To lesser gods of cheaper tin, + Spreading herself, a _corpus vile_, + Under the prancing heels of Mr. SMILLIE? + + Humour forbids! And even they + Who toil beneath the so-called sun, + Yet often in an eight-hours' day + Indulge a quiet sense of fun-- + These too can see, however dim, + The joke of starving just for SMILLIE'S whim. + + And here I note what looks to be + A rent in Labour's sacred fane; + The priestly oracles disagree, + And, when a house is split in twain, + Ruin occurs--ay! there's the rub + Alike for Labour and Beelzebub. + + And anyhow I hope that, where + At red of dawn on Rigi's height + He jodels to the astonished air, + LLOYD GEORGE is bent on sitting tight; + Nor, as he did in THOMAS' case, + Nurses a scheme for saving SMILLIE'S face. + + Why should his face be saved? indeed, + Why should he have a face at all? + But, if he _must_ have one to feed + And smell with, let the man install + A better kind, and thank his luck + That _all_ his headpiece hasn't come unstuck. + + O.S. + + * * * * * + +A WHIFF OF THE BRINY. + +As I entered the D.E.F. Company's depôt, Melancholy marked me for her own. +Business reasons--not my own but the more cogent business reasons of an +upperling--had just postponed my summer holiday; postponed it with a lofty +vagueness to "possibly November. We might be able to let you go by then, my +boy." November! What would Shrimpton-on-Sea be like even at the beginning +of November? Lovely sea-bathing, delicious boating, enchanting picnics on +the sand? I didn't think. Melancholy tatooed me all over with anchors and +pierced hearts, to show that I was her very own, not to be taken away. + +I clasped my head in my hands and gazed in dumb agony at the menu card. A +kind waitress listened with one ear. + +"Poached egg and bacon--two rashers," I murmured. + +While I waited I crooned softly to myself:-- + + "Poor disappointed Georgie. Life seems so terribly sad. + All the bacon and eggs in the world, dear, won't make you a happy lad." + +When the dish was brought I eyed it sadly. Sadly I raised a mouthful of +bacon to my lips.... + +Swish!!! The exclamation-marks signify the suddenness with which the train +swept into the station. I leapt down on to the platform and drew a long +breath. The sea! In huge whiffs the ozone rolled into my nostrils. I +gurgled with delight. Everything smelt of the dear old briny: the little +boys running about with spades and pails; the great basketsful of fish; the +blue jerseys of the red-faced men who, at rare intervals, toiled upon the +deep. At the far end of the platform I saw the reddest face of all, that of +my dear old landlord. I rushed to meet him.... + +Ah me, ah me! The incrusted-papered walls of the depôt girt me in again. I +took another mouthful of bacon--a larger one.... + +Bang! Someone was thumping on the door of my bathing-machine. What a +glorious scent of salt rose from the sea-washed floor! "Are you coming +out?" asked a persuasive voice. "No, no, no!" I shouted joyously. "I am +going in." What a dive! I never knew before how superlatively graceful my +dives could be. Away through the breakers with a racing stroke. Over on my +back, kicking fountains at the sun. In this warm water I should stay in for +hours and hours and.... + +Pah! That horrible incrusted paper back again! I bolted the remaining +rasher.... + +The boat rocked gently in a glassy sea. They were almost climbing over the +gunwale in their eagerness to be caught. Lovely wet shining wriggly +fellows; all the varieties of the fishmonger's slab and more. In season or +out, they didn't care; they thought only of doing honour to my line. No +need in future for me to envy the little boys on the river-bank who pulled +in fish after fish when I never got a bite. How delightfully salt the fish +smelt! And the sun drew out the scent of salt from the gently lapping +waves. It was all so quiet and restful. Almost could I have slumbered, even +as I pulled them in and in and.... + +The waitress must have giggled. Once again the incrusted paper leered at me +in ail its horrible pink incrustiness. There was no bacon left on my plate. +But the delicious scent of salt still lingered. Alas, my holiday was over! +I must speed me or I should miss the train to town. + +"Good-bye!" I shouted to the manageress and shook her by the hand. She +seemed surprised. "Such a happy time," I assured her. "I wish I could have +it all over again." + +She said something which I could not hear. Sea-bathing tends to make me a +little deaf. + +"If I have forgotten anything--my pyjamas or my shaving strop--would you be +so kind as to send them on? Good-bye again." + +Something fluttered to the floor. The manageress stooped. I was just +passing through the portals. + +"You have forgotten this," she called. + +It was the dear little square piece of paper which contained my bill. I +looked at it in amazement. + +"What!" I exclaimed--"only one-and-twopence for a poached egg and bacon and +all that salt flavour thrown in?" + + * * * * * + +OUR MODEST ADVERTISERS. + + "European lady (widow), rather lovely, would like to hear from Army + Officer or Civilian in a similar position, with a view to keeping up a + congenial correspondence."--_Indian Paper._ + + * * * * * + + "A correspondent in the Air Force writes from Bangalore:-- + + 'It is rather amusing to notice the number of people in the English + community who have never before seen an aeroplane coming up to the + aerodrome and gazing in wonder at the old buses.'"--_Evening Standard._ + +Even in England this spectacle is still the object of remark. + + * * * * * + + "We really feel inclined to parody Kipling and say-- + + 'One hand stuck in your dress shirt from to show heart is cline, + The other held behind your back, to signal, tax again.'" + +_Singapore Free Press._ + +We can only hope our esteemed contemporary will not feel this way again. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: THE ROAD TO RUIN. + +LABOUR. "WHAT'S YOUR GAME?" + +MR. SMILLIE. "I'M OUT FOR NATIONALISATION." + +LABOUR. "AH! AND YOU'RE GOING TO BEGIN BY NATIONALISING STARVATION?"] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Mrs. Smithson-Jones_ (_to her husband, who WILL garden in +his pyjamas before breakfast_). "_DO_ COME IN, ADOLPHUS; YOU'RE DELAYING +THE HARVEST."] + + * * * * * + +THE ART OF POETRY. + +IV. + +Good morning, gentlemen. Before I pass to the subject of my lecture today I +must deal briefly with a personal matter of some delicacy. Since I began +this series of lectures on the Art of Poetry I notice that the new +Professor of Poetry at Oxford, Mr. W.P. KER, in what I think is +questionable taste, has delivered an inaugural lecture on the _same_ +subject under the _same_ title. On the question of good taste I do not wish +to say much, except that I should have thought that any colleague of mine, +even an entirely new Professor in a provincial university, would have +recognised the propriety of at least communicating to me his intention +before committing this monstrous plagiarism. + +However, as I say, on that aspect of the matter I do not propose to dwell, +though it does seem to me that decency imposes certain limits to that kind +of academic piracy, and that those limits the Professor has overstepped. In +these fermenting days of licence and indiscipline persons in responsible +positions at our seats of learning have a great burden of example to bear +before the world, and if it were to go forth that actions of this type may +be taken with impunity by highly-paid Professors then indeed we are not far +from Bimetallism and the breaking-up of laws. + +Now let us glance for a moment at the substance of the lecture. I should +have been glad if Professor KER had had the courtesy to show it to me +before it was delivered, instead of my having to wait till it was printed +and buy it in a shop, because I might have induced him to repair the more +serious errors and omissions in his work. For really, when you come to +analyse the lecture, what thin and bodyless stuff it is. Let me at once pay +tribute to my colleague's scholarship and learning, to the variety of his +citations. But, after all, anyone can buy a Quotation Dictionary and quote +bits out of SWINBURNE. That surely--(see FREIDRICH'S _Crime and Quotation_, +pp. 246-9)--is not the whole task of a Professor of Poetry. + +Such a man, if he is to earn his pay, must be able-- + +(_a_) to show how poetry is written; + +(_b_) to write poetry; + +and it is no good his attempting (_a_) in the absence of (_b_). It is no +good teaching a man to slope arms if you are unable to slope arms yourself, +because a moment will come when he says, "Well, how the dickens _do_ you +slope them?" It is no good professing lawn-tennis and saying, "Top-spin is +imparted by drawing the racquet up and over," and so on, if, when you try +to impart top-spin yourself, the ball disappears on to the District +Railway. Still less is it useful if you deliver a long address to the +student, saying, "H.L. DOHERTY was a good player, and so was RENSHAW, and I +well remember the game between MCLOUGHLIN and WILDING, because WILDING hit +the ball over the net more often than MCLOUGHLIN did." + +Those students who have attended my lectures more regularly than others-- +and I am sorry there are not more of them--will do me the justice to +remember that I have put forward no theory of writing which I was not +prepared to illustrate in practice from my own work. My colleague, so far +as I can discover, makes one single attempt at practical assistance; and +even that is a minor plagiarism from one of my own lectures. He makes a +good deal of play with what he calls the principle and influence of the +Italian Canzone, which simply means having a lot of ten-syllable lines and +a few six-syllable ones. Students will remember that in our second lecture +we wrote a poem on that principle, which finished:-- + + Toroodle--umti--oodle--umti--knife (or strife) + Where have they put my hat? + +That lecture was prepared on May 27th; my colleague's lecture was delivered +on June 5th. It is clear to me that in the interval--by what discreditable +means I know not--he obtained access to my manuscript and borrowed the +idea, thinking to cloak his guilt by specious talk about the Italian +_Canzone_. The device of offering stolen goods under a new name is an old +one, and will help him little; the jury will know what to think. + +Apart from this single piece of (second-hand) instruction, what +contribution does he make to the student's knowledge of the Art of Poetry? +He makes no reference to comic poetry at all; apparently he has never +_heard_ of the Limerick, and I have the gravest doubts whether he can write +one, though that, I admit, is a severe test. I am prepared however to give +him a public opportunity of establishing his fitness for his post, and with +that end I propose to put to him the following problems, and if his answers +are satisfactory I shall most willingly modify my criticisms; but he must +write on one side of the paper only and number his pages in the top +right-hand corner. + +_The Problems._ + +(1) What is the metre of:-- + + "And the other grasshopper jumped right over the other grasshopper's + back." + +(2) Finish the uncompleted Limerick given in my Second Lecture, beginning: + + There was a young man who said "_Hell!_ + I don't think I feel very well." + +(3) In your inaugural lecture you ask, "Is it true, or not, that the great +triumphs of poetical art often come suddenly?" The answer you give is most +unsatisfactory; give a better one now, illustrating the answer from your +own works. + +(4) Write a Ballade of which the refrain is either-- + + (_a_) The situation is extremely grave; + or + (_b_) The Empire is not what it was; + or + (_c_) We lived to see Lord Birkenhead. + +NOTE.--Extra marks will be given for an attempt at (_b_) because of the +shortage of rhymes to _was_. + +(5) What would you do in the following circumstances? In May you have sent +a poem to an Editor, ending with the lines-- + + The soldiers cheered and cheered again-- + It was the PRINCE OF WALES. + +On July 20th the Editor writes and says that he likes the poem very much, +and wishes to print it in his August number, but would be glad if you could +make the poem refer to Mr. or Mrs. DOUGLAS FAIRBANKS instead of the PRINCE. +He must have the proof by the first post to-morrow as he is going to press. +Show, how you would reconstruct your last verse. + +(6) Consider the following passages-- + + (i) I love little pussy, + Her coat is so _warm_, + And if I don't hurt her + She'll do me no _harm_. + + (ii) Who put her _in_? + Little Tommy _Green_. + +(_a_) Carefully amend the above so that they rhyme properly. + +(_b_) Do you as a matter of principle approve of these kinds of rhyme? + +(_c_) If not, do you approve of them in (i) SHAKSPEARE, (ii) WORDSWORTH, +(iii) SHELLEY, (iv) Any serious classic? + +A.P.H. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Customer._ "AND I HAD ONE OF THOSE LITTLE ROUND BUN +ARRANGEMENTS." + +_Waitress._ "THAT'LL BE ANOTHER TUPPENCE." + +_Customer._ "ONE OF THOSE THAT ARE HOLLOW, YOU KNOW." + +_Waitress._ "OH--ONE OF _THEM_. THAT'LL BE FOURPENCE."] + + * * * * * + + "Four Volumes 'The Great World War,' pre-war price Rs. 40. What offers? + Perfect."--_Indian Paper._ + +A clear case of propheteering. + + * * * * * + +From an Irish Labour manifesto:-- + + "Impulsive cats, howsoever justifiable, may prove to be unwise."-- + _Irish Paper._ + +Remember what happened at Kilkenny. + + * * * * * + +THE PRIVILEGES OF MARGOTISM. + + [Something was said in _Punch_ last week about the advantage to the + reminiscencer of being his (or her) own JOHNSON and BOSWELL too. Mrs. + ASQUITH'S recent adventures with the descendants of some of her late + friends, of whose fair fame they are not less jealous than she, suggest + certain of the pitfalls incident to this double _rôle_, particularly + when the autobiographer is remote from his (or her) journals. Since + however an inaccuracy always has a day's start and is never completely + overtaken, while in course of time the pursuit ceases altogether, the + greatest danger is not immediate but for the future. Let us imagine a + case.] + +FROM "THE MARGOTIST'S REMINISCENCES." + +By the Author of _Statesmen I Have Influenced_; _My Wonderful Life_; _The +Souls' Awakener_; _The Elusive Diary_, _etc., etc._ + +One of my dearest friends in the early nineteen hundreds was Mr. Sadrock. I +have known eleven Prime Ministers in my time and have assurances from all, +signed and witnessed, that but for me and my vivacious encouragement they +would never have pulled through; but with none was I on terms of such close +communion as with Mr. Sadrock, who not only asked my advice on every +occasion of importance, but spent many of his waking hours in finding +rhymes to my name. Some of his four-lined couplets in my honour could not +be either wittier or more charming as compliments. + +He often averred that no one could amuse him as I did. He laughed once for +half-an-hour on end when I said, "It takes a Liberal to be a Tory;" and on +another occasion when I said, "The essence of Home Rule is, like charity, +that it begins abroad." Nothing but the circumstance that he was already +happily married prevented him from proposing to me. + +Mr. Sadrock is now to many people only a name; but in his day he was a +force to compare with which we have at this moment only one statesman and +he is temporarily out of office. + +The odd thing is that if the ordinary person were to be asked what Mr. +Sadrock was famous for, he would probably reply, For his devotion to HOMER +and the Established Church. But the joke is that when I was with him in +1902 he was frivolous on both these subjects. It was, I remember, in the +private room at the House of Commons set apart for Prime Ministers, to +which, being notoriously so socially couth, I always had a private key--the +only one ever given to a woman--and he was more than usually delightful. + +This is what was said:-- + +_MR. SADROCK_ (_mixing himself an egg nogg_). Will you join me? + +_MYSELF._ No, thank you. But I like to see you applying yourself to +Subsidiary Studies to the Art of Butler. + +_MR. SADROCK_ (_roaring with laughter_). That's very good. Some day you +must put your best things into a book. + +_MYSELF._ You bet. + +_MR. SADROCK._ I wonder why it is that you make me so frank. It is your +wonderful sympathetic understanding, I suppose. I long to tell you +something now. + +_MYSELF_ (_affecting not to care_). Do. I am secrecy itself. + +_MR. SADROCK._ Would it surprise you to know that I am privily a Dissenter? +Do you know that I often steal away in a false beard to attend the services +of Hard-Shell Baptists and Plymouth Brethren? + +_MYSELF._ I hope I am no longer capable of feeling anything so _démodé_ as +surprise. + +_MR. SADROCK._ And that I prefer _Robert Elsmere_ to the _Iliad_? + +_MYSELF._ May I print those declarations in my book? + +_MR. SADROCK._ Some day, yes, but not yet, not yet. + + * * * * * + +MR. SADROCK AND NONCONFORMITY. _To the Editor of_ "_The Monday Times_." + +SIR,--I find it necessary, in the interests of truth and of respect for the +memory of my uncle, Mr. Sadrock, to contest the accuracy of the Margotist's +report of conversations with him in 1902. To begin with, my uncle died in +1898, four years before the alleged interview. She could therefore not have +talked with him in 1902; and the _locale_ of this meeting, the Prime +Minister's room, becomes peculiarly fantastic. Secondly, no member of his +family--and they saw him constantly--ever heard him utter anything +resembling the sentiments which the Margotist attributes to him. Mr. +Sadrock was both an undeviating Churchman and a devotee of HOMER to the end +of his life. + +I am, etc., THEOPHILUS SADROCK. + +THE MARGOTIST'S REPLY. + +SIR,--I have read Mr. Theophilus Sadrock's letter and am surprised by its +tone. If Mr. Sadrock did not make use of the words that I attribute to him +how could I have set them down? Because I was writing unobserved all the +time he was talking, and I could produce the notes if they were, to others, +legible enough for it to be worth while; surreptitious writing must +necessarily be indistinct at times. As for the question of time and place, +that is a mere quibble. Mr. Sadrock was alive when we had our talk, and I +am sorry if I have misdated it. The talk remains. May I add that it is very +astonishing to me to find people with the effrontery to suggest that they +knew their illustrious relatives better than strangers could. Everyone is +aware that the last place to go to for evidence as to a man is to his kith +and kin. When my book appears there will be a few corrections; but in the +main I stand by the motto which I invented for Chamberlain one evening: +"What I have written I have written." + +I am, Yours, etc., + +THE MARGOTIST. + +_The Woop._ + + * * * * * + +FROM "SADROCK: A DEFINITIVE BIOGRAPHY." + +_Published in 1940._ + +Before leaving our consideration of Sadrock's Homeric studies it is however +necessary to point out that late in life he made a very curious +recantation. In a book of memoirs, published in 1920, by one who was in a +position to acquire special information, it is stated in his own words that +Sadrock preferred _Robert Elsmere_ to the _Iliad_; while during the same +conversation he confessed to a passion for the services of Dissenters, +which, he said, he often frequented _incognito_. No biographer can +disregard such admissions, and we must revise our opinion of the great +statesman accordingly. + +E.V.L. + + * * * * * + + "SALE, Gent's Evening Suit, Tennis Trousers, Sweater, Black Silk Coat + suit elderly lady."--_Irish Paper._ + +The revolutionary movement in Ireland seems to have reached even the +fashions. + + * * * * * + + "LONDON, JULY 16. + + It is reported on reliable authority that General Wrangel has refused + to withdraw to the Cinema in compliance with the terms of the proposed + armistice.--_Statesman_ (_Calcutta_). + +It is believed that "MARY" and "DOUG." were greatly relieved to be rid of +so dangerous a rival. + + * * * * * + + "When is the demoralisation at some of our great London hotels to give + place to reasonable service and cleanliness? On every side I hear + complaints of inefficient attendance and dirty rooms. As for clean + towels in the bathroom, they appear on the Ides of March."--_Sunday + Paper._ + +At one hotel, we understand, they failed to remember the Ides of March and +are now waiting for the Greek Kalends. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: THE "DO-IT-YOURSELF" AGE. + +FATHER'S HOME-MADE SWEATER.] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: OUR SPORTING PURISTS. + +_Urchin._ "COME AN' PLAY CRICKET, ALF." + +_Alf._ "WOT! IN THE FOOTBALL SEASON?"] + + * * * * * + +THE REVOLT OF YOUTH. + +We publish a few selected letters from the mass of correspondence which has +reached us in connection with the controversy initiated by "A Bewildered +Parent" in _The Morning Post_: + +A LEGUMINOUS LAUDATION. + +SIR,--I confess I cannot share the anxiety of the "Bewildered Parent" who +complains of the child of two and a half years who addressed her learned +parent as "Old bean." As a convinced Montessorian I recognise in the +appellation a gratifying evidence of that self-expression which cannot +begin too young. Moreover there is nothing derogatory in the phrase; on the +contrary I am assured on the best authority that it is a term of endearment +rather than reproach. But, above all, as a Vegetarian I welcome the choice +of the term as an indication of the growth of the revolt against +carnivorous brutality. If the child in question had called her parent a +"saucy kipper" or "a silly old sausage" there would have been reasonable +ground for resentment. But comparison with a bean involves no obloquy, but +rather panegyric. The bean is one of the noblest of vegetables and is +exceptionally rich in calories, protein, casein, carbo-hydrates, thymol, +hexamyl, piperazine, salicylic dioxide, and permanganate of popocatapetl. +This a learned parent, if his learning was real, ought to have recognised +at once, instead of foolishly exploiting a fancied grievance. + +Yours farinaceously, + +JOSIAH VEDGELEY. + +THE OLD COMPLAINT. + +SIR,--Some sixty years ago I was rebuked by my father for addressing him as +"Governor." Thirty years later I was seriously offended with my own son for +calling me an "old mug." He in turn, though not by any means a learned man, +has within the last few weeks been irritated by his school-boy son +derisively addressing him as an "old dud." The duel between fathers and +sons is as old as the everlasting hills, and the rebels of one generation +become the fogeys of the next. I have no doubt that in moments of expansion +the young Marcellus alluded to his august parent as "_faba antiqua_." + +Yours faithfully, + +SENEX. + +A TRIPLE LIFE. + +SIR,--As a middle-aged mother I do not appeal for your sympathy, I merely +wish to describe my position, the difficulties of which might no doubt be +paralleled in hundreds of other households. I have three children whose +characteristics may be thus briefly summarised:-- + +(1) Pamela, aged nineteen, is an ultra-modern young woman. She hates +politics of all shades, but adores SCRIABINE, STRAVINSKY and BENEDETTO +CROCE. She smokes cigars, wears male attire and has a perfect command of +the art of ornamental objurgation. + +(2) Gerald, aged twenty-three, is war-weary; resentful of all authority; +"bored stiff" by any music save of the syncopated brand, and he divides his +time between Jazz-dancing with the dismal fervour of a gloomy dean and +attending meetings of pro-Bolshevist extremists. + +(3) Anthony, aged twenty-six, is a soldier, a "regular"; restrained in +speech, somewhat old-fashioned in his tastes. This summer he spent his +leave fishing in Scotland and took with him two books--the _Life of +Stonewall Jackson_ and the _Bible_. It is hardly necessary to add that +Gerald is not on speaking terms with him. + +As for myself, while anxious to keep in touch with my wayward brood, I find +the strain of accommodating myself to their varied requirements almost more +than I can stand. Pamela can only endure my companionship on the conditions +that I smoke (which makes me ill); that I emulate the excesses of her lurid +lingo (which makes me squirm), and that I paint my face (which makes me +look like a modern Messalina, which I am not). Gerald is prepared to accept +me as a "pal," provided that I play David to his Saul by regaling him on +Sunday mornings with negroid melodies, which he punctuates with snorts on +the trombone. If he knew that I went to early morning service all would be +at an end between us. Finally, Anthony wants me to remain as I was and +really am. So you see that I have to lead not a dual but a triple life, and +am only spared the necessity of making it quadruple by the fact that my +husband is fortunately dead. As Pamela gracefully remarked the other day, +"It was a good thing for poor father that he went West to sing bass in the +heavenly choir before we grew up." In conclusion I ought to admit that my +future is not without prospects of alleviation. Pamela has just announced +her engagement to an archdeacon of pronounced Evangelical views; Gerald is +meditating a prolonged tour in New Guinea with a Bolshevist mission; +Anthony contemplates neither matrimony nor expatriation. + +I am, Sir, Yours respectfully, + +A MIDDLE-AGED MOTHER. + +THE CRY OF THE CHILD AUTHOR. + +SIR,--As a novelist and dramatist whose work has met with high encomiums +from Mr. J.L. GARVIN, Mr. C.K. SHORTER, Mr. JAMES DOUGLAS and Lord HOWARD +DE WALDEN, I wish to impress upon you and your readers the hardships and +restrictions which the tyranny of parental control still imposes on +juvenile genius. Though I recently celebrated my seventh birthday, my +father and mother have firmly refused to provide me with either a latch-key +or a motor-bicycle. Owing to the lack of proper accommodation in my nursery +my literary labours are carried on under the greatest difficulties and +hampered by constant interruptions from my nurse, a vulgar woman with a +limited vocabulary and no aspirates. I say nothing, though I might say +much, of the jealousy of adult authors, the pusillanimity of unenterprising +publishers, the senile indifference of Parliament. But I warn them that, +unless the just claims of youth to economic and intellectual independence +are speedily acknowledged, the children of England will enforce them by +direct action of the most ruthless kind. The brain that rules the cradle +rocks the world. + +Yours indignantly, + +PANSY BASHFORD. + +A DOGGEREL SUMMARY. + +SIR,--I have followed the _Youth_ v. _Age_ controversy with interest and +venture to sum up its progress so far in ten of the worst lines in the +world:-- + + There was an old don so engrossed + In maintaining his rule of the roast + That he made quite a scene + When addressed as "Old bean," + And wrote to complain in _The Post_. + + Whereupon the disciples of WELLS + Emitted a chorus of yells, + And they fell upon Age + With unfilial rage + And gave it all manner of hells. + +I am, Sir, Yours, + +GALLIO JUNIOR. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Meanest Member_ (_seeking free advice, after driving out of +bounds, from professional who is giving a lesson to another player_). +"FUNNY THING, BUT EVERY TIME I DRIVE THIS MORNING I SLICE LIKE THAT. WHAT +DO YOU THINK IS THE CAUSE?" + +_Professional_ (_after deep thought_). "WELL, SIR, MEBBE YE'RE NO' HITTIN' +'EM RIGHT."] + + * * * * * + +"SWITZERLAND AGAIN. + + Fine weather has resigned with only brief interruptions since the + season began."--_Times._ + +Just as in England. + + * * * * * + + "Alice ----, a married woman, was charged with unlawfully wounding her + husband, Charles ----, a labourer, by striking him with a pair of + tongues."--_Local Paper._ + +CHARLES has our sympathy. He might just as well have been a bigamist. + + * * * * * + +WESTWARD HO! + + James, if from life's little worries and trouble you + Sigh to be wafted afar, + Meet me at Paddington Station, G.W. + R. + + Thence, if our plans be not baulked by some latterday + Railwayman-unionist freak, + We'll make a bold bid for freedom on Saturday + Week. + + Care may ride pillion or on the ship's deck set her + Foot, but she'll hunt us in vain + Once we've set ours on the ten-thirty Exeter + Train. + + Ours no "resort" where you run up iniquitous + Bills at the "Royal" or "Grand," + Blatant with pier and parade and ubiquitous + Band. + + No "silver sea" where the gaudy and giddy come; + We're for a peacefuller air + Breathing of _Uncle Tom Cobley_ and Widdicombe + Fair. + + Warm as a welcome the red of the tillage is, + Green are the pastures, and deep + Down in the combes little thatch-covered villages + Sleep. + + Far from society (praises to Allah be!), + Wearing demobilised boots, + Clad in our countrified (Deeley-cum-Mallaby) + Suits, + + We'll o'er the moor where the ways never weary us, + Lunch at a primitive pub, + Loaf till it's time to get back to more serious + Grub. + + Haply some neighbouring Dartymoor brooklet'll + Tempt us at eve to set out, + Greenheart in hand, and endeavour to hook little + Trout. + + Well, there's a programme for three weeks of heaven, sheer + Bliss, if you add to the scheme + Farm eggs and bacon and junket and Devonshire + Cream. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Customer._ "I SAY--DO YOU EVER PLAY ANYTHING BY REQUEST?" + +_Delighted Musician._ "CERTAINLY, SIR." + +_Customer._ "THEN I WONDER IF YOU'D BE SO GOOD AS TO PLAY A GAME OF +DOMINOES UNTIL I'VE FINISHED MY LUNCH!"] + + * * * * * + +SAND SPORTS. + +Two or three hundred yards behind the sandhills, which seem to be deserted +but are really full of sudden hollows, with embarrassing little bathing +tents in them, the village sports have just been held. They took place in a +sloping grass field kindly lent for the occasion by Mr. Bates. This means +that you paid a shilling to enter the field, whereas on other days you can +picnic in it or play cricket in it without paying anything at all. Mr. +Bates is a kind of absentee landlord so far as we are concerned, for he is +the butcher at Framford, four miles away, and only brings the proceeds of +his butchery to us on Tuesdays and Fridays, which is the reason why on +Mondays and Thursdays one usually has eggs and bacon for dinner. + +It was an interesting afternoon for many reasons, most of all perhaps +because many of the visitors saw each other for the first time in +clothes--in land clothes, I mean--and it is wonderful how much smarter some +of them looked than when popping red or brown faces, with lank wisps of +hair on them, out of the brine. + +Some of the athletic events were open, like the Atlantic Sea, and some +close, like the Conferences at Lympne, but very few of the visitors +competed in any of them. I don't think any of us fancied our chances +overmuch, but personally I was a little bitter about the three-mile bicycle +race, because there were three prizes and only three competitors. I am past +my prime at this particular sport, but as it happened one of the three +broke his gear-chain somewhere about the seventh lap, and it was a long +time before he mended it and rode triumphantly past the finishing flag. I +felt then that I had missed what was probably my first and last chance of +securing an Olympic palm. + +The whole affair struck me as being very well managed; dull events, like +the high jump and putting the shot, being held quietly in a corner by the +hedge, whilst the really interesting things, like the sack race and the egg +and spoon race, went on in the middle. We used potatoes instead of eggs, +but whether there was a system of handicapping according to the weight and +age of the potatoes I was unable to determine. I do feel confident, +however, that that girl with the yellow hair and the striped skirt to whom +the first prize was quite incorrectly awarded by the judges had put some +treacle--But there, I will be magnanimous. + +The postman was a great success. He had acquired a light suit of overalls, +on which he had painted three large red stars, using, I hope, Government +red ink, and with black cheeks and a floured nose footed it solemnly to the +music of the Framford Comrades' Band. He also ran underneath the lath at +the high jump and tumbled down in trying to put the shot. All round the +field children could be heard asking, "What _is_ he doing, Mummy?" and, +when they were told, "Hush, dears, he's doing it for a _joke_," their eyes +danced and they tried for a moment to control their emotion and then broke +into shrieks of laughter. All the difficult open events which were not won +by a young man in puce-coloured shorts were won by a friend of his in a +yellow shirt. I have an idea that these two young men came from Framford +and go round doing this kind of thing and getting prizes for it, just as +Mr. Bates goes round selling his beef. + +Amidst all this fun and frolic, if you went up to the top of one of the +sandhills and looked across the blue bay to the little seaport opposite, +you saw that it was also emptied of its folk this pious afternoon and was +in fact holding aquatic revels. Little fishing-boats with brown sails were +turning about a given mark. There were rowing races and diving competitions +and a greasy pole and very probably a comic man dressed up as a buoy. + +I have pondered deeply over these twin feasts, and it has occurred to me +that, whilst land sports and water sports are both of them very good things +in their way, neither expresses the real genius of a maritime resort, and +also that we visitors, if we are too shy to enter with gusto into the local +games, ought to provide some suitable entertainment in return. I have +compiled therefore a programme of a Grand Beach Gala for next week, and +have had a notice put up in the post-office window inviting entries. Not +many people buy stamps at the post-office, but, as you get bacon and spades +and buckets and jam there, it is a pretty popular emporium, and I think my +list of events should prove an attractive one. It runs as follows:-- + +1. _Pebble and Tent Competition._--Fathers of families only. To be run if +possible at low tide on a wet and windy day. Competitors to leave starting +post in ordinary attire, enter tent, emerge in bathing costume, strike +tents, sprint over shingle to the sea, swim to a given point, return, pitch +tents, dress and run to winning-post. + +FIRST PRIZE, a ham sandwich, with real sand. + +2. _Sock Race._--Under ten. Competitors to start barefooted in rock-pools +and race at the sound of a dinner-bell to nurses, have feet dried, put on +shoes and stockings and run to row of buns at top of beach. First bun down +wins. Points deducted for sand in socks. + +3. _Hundred Yards Paddle Dash._--To be run along the edge of surf. Handicap +by position. Tallest competitor to have deepest station. Open to all ages +and sexes. Feet to be lifted clear of the water at every stride. Properly +raced this is a fine frothy event, productive of the greatest enthusiasm, +especially if the trousers come unrolled. + +4. _Sand Castle Contest._--Open to all families of eight. Twenty minutes +time limit. Largest castle wins. Moats must contain real sea-water. + +5. _Impromptu Picnic._--Ladies only. Materials must be collected from the +village shops, brought down to beach and spread out at winning flag. For +the purpose of this competition the sports must take place on a Thursday, +when the weekly visit of the greengrocer coincides with one of the +bi-weekly visits of the baker from Framford. Eggs and butter must be +obtained at the Mill Farm, and you can do the rest at the post-office. + +6. _Fifty Yards Hat Race._--Under five. Fathers to be seated in a row on +beach. Competitors to remove fathers' hats, run twenty-five yards, fill +hats with sand, return and replace hats. + +In order to prevent any ill-feeling that might arise from the thought that +I had practised any of these races in private beforehand I have elected to +be the judge. + +EVOE. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: A SESSION OF COMMON SENSE. + +ERIN. "I'VE GREAT HOPES OF THIS NEW DEVELOPMENT; BUT OF COURSE IT'S NOT AN +OFFICIAL CONFERENCE." + +PEACE. "WELL, TO JUDGE BY MY EXPERIENCE, IT'S NONE THE WORSE FOR THAT."] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: MODERN BUSINESS METHODS. + +_Patron._ "DIDN'T I GIVE YOU SOMETHING IN HIGH STREET THIS MORNING?" + +_Artist._ "YES, MUM. I'VE A BRANCH THERE."] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: "OH, MUMMY, WILL YOU GET THE TWOPENCE BACK?"] + + * * * * * + +THE ROOM AT THE BACK. + + [A story of the supernatural, which should not be read late at night by + persons of weak nerves.] + +Outwardly, "Chatholme" was as all the other villas in Dunmoral Avenue, +which were just detached enough to allow the butcher's boy to squeeze +himself and his basket--and perhaps the cook--between any two of them, and +differed from each other in nothing but names, numbers and window-curtains. + +And the interior of the house, when the Pottigrews took possession of it, +seemed equally commonplace. There is no need to show you all over it, but +if you intend to peruse this narrative, in spite of the warning above, it +is desirable that you should at least inspect the ground-floor. + +On one side of the hall, which was faintly illumined in the daytime by a +fanlight, was the drawing-room; on the other side was the dining-room, and +behind the dining-room was a smaller room with a French-window looking on +to the back-garden, which probably was described by the house-agents as the +"morning-room," but was by Mr. Pottigrew designated his "study." + +Prosaic enough, you will say. And yet there was that about the ground-floor +of "Chatholme" which was anything but matter-of-fact, as the Pottigrews +began to discover before they had been in residence many days. + +Mrs. Pottigrew was the first to "sense" something out of the ordinary. She +was of Manx origin, and therefore peculiarly sensitive to "influences;" one +of those uncomfortable people who cannot visit such places as Hampton Court +or the Tower without vibrating like harp-strings. + +Mr. Pottigrew, however, was of the duller fibre of which cyclists rather +than psychists are made; and when, on his return from the City one +afternoon, his wife tried to get him to appreciate a certain eeriness in +the atmosphere of the new home, he sniffed it dutifully, and declared that +he could detect nothing but a confounded smell of onions. + +"That's because they _won't_ remember to shut the kitchen door," Mrs. +Pottigrew explained. "But--" + +"Well, it can't be the drains, because they've just been tested," said Mr. +Pottigrew impatiently. And, like a stout materialist, he muttered, +"Imagination!" as he strolled away to the sanctuary of his study, little +guessing how his own imagination was about to be stimulated. + +(Look here--this is where the creepy business begins. If, on consideration, +you feel you'd rather read about cricket or politics or something, I'll +excuse you.) + +A little later, as Mrs. Pottigrew was crossing the hall, she was stopped +short by a strange, gasping choky sound which came from the study. There +followed the crash of a chair being overturned; the door opened and her +husband staggered out with scared eyes in a face as white as marble, and +beads of sweat on his brow. + +When a stiff brandy had restored the power of speech to Mr. Pottigrew, he +described the remarkable and alarming seizure he had just experienced. + +He had turned his arm-chair to the French-window, he said, with the +intention of enjoying a quiet smoke, and no sooner had he seated himself +and leaned back than an indescribable feeling of suffocation had crept upon +him, and at the same time he had been aware of a curious loss of control +over his jaws, so that he had been unable to prevent his mouth opening to +its widest extent. When he had tried to rise to his feet an invisible force +had seemed to be holding him down, and it was only by a tremendous effort +of will that he had managed to keep his senses and struggle to the door. + +He resolutely refused to see a doctor, but, deciding that the attack was a +warning that he had been overdoing it, he retired forthwith to bed. By the +morning he felt so well that he prescribed for himself a few quiet days by +the sea. And so he packed his bag and took himself off by an early train to +Brighton. + +That afternoon was marked by another disagreeable occurrence. After the way +of her kind, Mrs. Pottigrew's Aunt Charlotte was attracted by the idea of +using a room from which normally the female members of the household were +excluded. So she took her needlework into the study and prepared to spend a +quiet hour or so in the armchair facing the French-window. + +Hardly had she settled down when she too experienced the same feeling of +suffocation and the same involuntary opening of the jaws which Mr. +Pottigrew had described. She struggled against it, but, lacking the +will-power of her robust nephew-by-marriage, she was overcome by +unconsciousness. When she came to, a little dazed and faint, a few moments +later, she was dismayed to discover that her expensive dental-plate--a full +set--was lying on the floor, shattered beyond repair. + +Not being a person of vivid imagination, she attributed her transient +illness to intense sympathy with Mr. Pottigrew, and resigned herself to a +diet of slops until she could be furnished with new means of mastication. + +Next day, a Saturday, came the climax. Early in the evening an urgent +telegram summoned Mr. Pottigrew back from Brighton. Hastening home, he was +received by a wife distraught. + +"What did I tell you?" she wailed. "Send for Sir CONAN DOYLE. Poor dear +Aubrey! The doctor is upstairs with him." + +Mr. Pottigrew hurriedly ascended to the bedroom of his son and heir, a fine +healthy youth, just of an age to appreciate his father's cigars. (This, of +course, is a pre-Budget story.) + +The young fellow lying upon the bed smiled bravely as his father entered, +but Mr. Pottigrew was shocked to see that he smiled with toothless gums. A +grave professional-looking man rose from the bedside and beckoned Mr. +Pottigrew out of the room. + +"This extraordinary case, Sir," said the doctor as he closed the door +behind him, "is the outcome of causes quite beyond the present scope of the +medical profession. The sound, strong, firm teeth--a splendid set--of a +healthy young man do not jump out of his head of their own accord, every +one of them, for any natural reason." + +He paused and lowered his voice as he continued: "I am afraid, Mr. +Pottigrew, however reluctant we may be to admit the possibility, that there +is no doubt that you have taken a haunted house. The previous tenant was a +dentist--poor Mr. Acres. The room which is your study was his operating +room. _He died in that room while administering gas to himself preparatory +to extracting his own teeth._" + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _North-Country Farmer_ (_to Profiteer fishing the Fell +becks_). "CAUGHT OWT?" + +_Profiteer._ "I'VE NOT ACTUALLY LANDED ANY, BUT THINK I HAD A RISE--UNLESS +IT WAS THE SPLASH FROM MY MINNOW."] + + * * * * * + +MRS. GAMP REDIVIVA. + + "Nurse; 39; experienced bottle fed; £40 to £50."--_Daily Paper._ + + * * * * * + +SPEEDING THE PARTING GUEST. + + "Oban is proving an attractive centre, for Lord ----, Lady ---- and + many others have departed thence during the last day or so."--_Daily + Paper._ + +We think it only kind to suppress the names. + + * * * * * + + "All new demands for capital, whether for private or public purposes, + had been met out of the sayings of the people."--_Daily Paper._ + +Mr. Punch may perhaps be permitted to mention that he has himself given +currency to a number of capital stories. + + * * * * * + + "It is to be hoped that, now that their unhappy country is in the + throes of the most ghastly terror of her history, the irreconcilable + elements in the Irish nation will see an all-compelling reason for + exercising the demon of strife.--_Indian Paper._ + +Unfortunately they seem to be doing so only too freely. + + * * * * * + +ANOTHER WAR TO END WAR. + + [An address to the League of Nations on learning that it is considering + a scheme to tackle the rat plague.] + + Not yours to lure the lands of Cross or Crescent + Back from Bellona where she bangs her drum, + Nor make this Hades, anyhow at present, + The New Elysium. + + For still the sword gleams mightier than the pen in + Europe, you'll notice, at the Bolshies' beck; + Confess now that the case of Mr. LENIN + Gets you right in the neck. + + So I have read with wondrous satisfaction, + Feeling in this your hands are far from tied, + That you propose to emulate the action + Of _Hamelin's Piper (Pied)_. + + And, though the task prove hard and ever harder, + From your crusade, I trust, you'll never cease + Till you've restored good-will to every larder + And to each pantry peace. + + Then, when the cocksure critic in his crudeness + Pops you the question while his back he pats, + "What have you done?" you'll find at last, thank goodness, + One ready answer--"Rats!" + + * * * * * + + "Puccinni's three one-act operas, erroneously described as a + typtich...."--_Evening Paper._ + +But what about the spelling of "Puccinni"? We fear our contemporary has, +after all, been caught triptyching. + + * * * * * + +HOW TO BUILD A HOUSE. + +The only way to build a house properly is to employ an architect to build +it for you. All the best houses are built by architects--any architect will +tell you that. But of course you will always be allowed to say that _you_ +built it, so it will come to the same thing. + +The walls of an architect's office are covered with drawings of enormous +public buildings which the architect has erected in every capital of +Europe. There are also a few of the statelier homes of England which he has +put up in his spare time. + +While you are waiting you compare these with your own scheme of the +six-roomed villa you propose to build. + +At last you are ushered into the presence and unless a stove-pipe +protruding from your waistcoat pocket suggests that you are travelling in +somebody's radiators you will probably be asked to sit down, and may even +be given a cigarette. There is no difficulty in opening your business. The +architect can see at a glance what you have come for and says quite simply, +"You want to build a house?" + +"I do," you reply. + +"How many reception rooms?" + +This rather staggers you. You had not intended to have any reception rooms +at all. You never give receptions. All you wanted was a dining-room and a +drawing-room, and a study with a round window over the fire-place. + +But it is evidently impossible to confide this to the architect. All you +can do is to reply as naturally as you can:-- + +"About half-a-dozen." + +"Eight reception rooms," says the architect. "And how many bedrooms?" + +"I don't really know; about one each." + +"Twenty bedrooms," suggests the architect (there are three in your family). +"And did you say a garage to hold two cars?" + +By this time you realise that you are engaged in a game something like +auction bridge and so far your opponent has done all the over-calling. + +"Double two cars!" you cry excitedly. + +"Five cars," rejoins the Architect. + +"Six cars!" + +"Garage to hold six cars," repeats the Architect, confessing defeat. "You +are, of course, aware that a house on this scale will cost you at least +twenty thousand pounds?" + +"Of course," you reply, and you honestly think it would be cheap at the +price. + +After this the only thing to do is to get away as quickly as possible. It +would be pure bathos to suggest any of your wife's labour-saving devices, +or introduce the subject of that circular bath-room with a circular bath +hanging by chains from the ceiling and a spirit-stove under it--your pet +invention. Recall a pressing engagement, shake the architect firmly by the +hand and promise to come and see him next Tuesday about details. In the +interval you can compose a letter at your leisure, informing him that in +view of the high cost of materials, etc., etc., you have decided to +postpone the building of your house, but you desire to build _at once_ a +gardener's cottage (so that the gardener can be getting the grounds into +order) containing one dining-room, one drawing-room, one study (with one +round window), three bedrooms, one circular bathroom (with one circular +bath) and one tool-shed to hold one tool. + +Even so you will probably have to make concessions. Your window will be +hexagonal and your bath square. But your worries are over. The architect +will choose a builder and between them they will build your house during +the next six years, which you will spend in lodgings. It is a long time to +wait, certainly, but you will find plenty of amusement in occasionally +counting the number of bricks that have been laid since last time. And then +in 1926, as you smoke your pipe in your study and gaze out of your +hexagonal window, you will not covet the Paradise of ADAM, the first +gardener. + + * * * * * + +RHYMES OF THE UNDERGROUND. + + Adolphus Minns resides at Kew + And does what people ought to do. + + In boarding trains his instincts are + To "let 'em first get off the car," + Then "hurry up" himself to enter, + And "pass along right down the centre." + + Though nigh his destination be + No selfish "door-obstructor" he: + Rather than bear such imputation + He'll travel on beyond his station. + + His unexceptionable ways + E'en liftmen have been known to praise-- + A folk censorious and, as such, + Not given to praising over-much. + + Small need have they to shout a grim + "No smoking in the lift" at him, + Or ask if he's the only one + For whom the lift is being run. + + Adolphus Minns, who lives at Kew, + Does all that people ought to do-- + Retires to bed before eleven, + Is up and shaved by half-past seven-- + And, when he dies, he'll go to Heaven. + + Perhaps he's gone; I've never met + His like at Kew or elsewhere yet. + + * * * * * + +THE DISSIMULATION OF SUZANNE. + +The telephone bell rang just as I was beginning breakfast. + +"What is your number, please?" asked an imperious voice. + +In an emergency I never can remember my own number. + +"Just hold on a minute while I look it up," I begged. Feverishly I turned +over the leaves of the telephone directory and, cutting with a blunt finger +the page containing the small advertisement that keeps my name before the +public eye, at last found and transmitted the desired information. + +"Don't go away," said the voice again, this time with a shade of weariness +in its tone. "Chesterminster wants you." + +I wasn't going away, because before Suzanne left me to visit her relatives +in Middleshire I had vowed that nothing would induce me to do so. But +Chesterminster wanted me. What should that portend? + +"Tell them," I declaimed into the mouthpiece while I instinctively posed +for the camera, "that I feel greatly honoured by their invitation and in +other circumstances I should have been delighted to come forward as their +Candidate. The Parliamentary history of Chesterminster constitutes one of +the most romantic chapters in the chronicles of England; but just now I am +busy writing verses for next week's _Back Chat_, so--" + +"If you will keep on talking to yourself you won't get connected," +interrupted the voice. "You're thr-r-rough, Chesterminster." + +"Are you Chelsea niner-seven-double-seven?" inquired a new voice, a little +more distant but not so haughty. + +"No, nine I mean niner-double-seven-seven," I replied. + +"Same thing," said the voice of Chesterminster. "Stokehampton wants you." + +"Tell them--" I began, but my oratory was drowned by a rapid succession of +small explosions, and out of this unholy crepitation emerged a still small +voice which said, "Is that you, darling?" Then I suddenly remembered that +Stokehampton is Suzanne's relatives' nearest town of call. + +"They want you to come tomorrow for the week-end," said Suzanne. "I lied to +them and said you were busy working, but they said you can have the library +to yourself whenever you want it, and spoke so nicely about you that I +couldn't refuse to ring you up. Besides, I want you to come, and the figs +and the mulberries are in splendid form." + +Suzanne knows that my idea of Heaven is a garden full of fig-trees and +mulberry-bushes at the appropriate season of the year. But it was raining +hard, and I abominate week-ends; and Suzanne's relatives are well-meaning +folk who always want to arrange your day for you. + +"No, Suzanne," I said, "emphatically, no. I can't think of a convincing +excuse at the moment, so you'd better say I'll be delighted to come. But +tomorrow morning you'll get a wire from me announcing that I'm sick of the +palsy--no, malaria, which they know I sometimes get--and that'll give you a +good ground for returning yourself tomorrow. Your three minutes is up. +Good-bye." + +With the inspiration still fresh upon me I wrote out the telegram and rang +for Evangeline. + +"Evangeline," I said, "I may possibly be detained in bed tomorrow morning. +In case that should happen"--she never betrayed even a flicker of the eye, +although she could, an she would, tell Suzanne some damning tales of late +rising during her absence--please send this telegram off before breakfast; +that is, before _your_ breakfast." + +Evangeline curtseyed and withdrew. I had spent my leisure moments during +the week teaching her the trick, as a surprise for Suzanne on her return. + +Next morning, as I lay in bed thinking out the subject of my next Message +to the Nation, I was gratified to notice that the rain had ceased and the +sun was shining genially. I thought of Suzanne and the refreshing fruit in +Suzanne's relatives' attractive gardens. Should I go after all? I rang the +bell. + +"Has that wire gone yet?" I asked. + +"Indeed I took it these two hours back," replied Evangeline. + +I looked at my watch and grunted. + +"Bring me a telegram-form," I commanded, "and some hotter hot water." + +So, having wired to Suzanne: "Malaria false alarm only passing effects of +overwork coming by the one-thirty PERCIVAL," I found myself at tea-time +being nursed back to health on mulberries-and-cream administered by the +solicitous hands of Aunt-by-acquisition Lucy. + +"Well," I said to Suzanne a little later as we strolled in the direction of +the fig-trees, "how did it go off--my first wire, I mean?" + +"Oh, I think I did it very well," she replied; "I gave a most realistic +exhibition of wifely concern, and the car had just come to take me to the +station when your second wire arrived." + +"Then they didn't spot anything?" + +"No," said Suzanne--"no, I don't think so." + +After dinner that night I was playing billiards with Toby, who is Suzanne's +aunt's nephew-by-marriage. We had the room to ourselves. + +"Dull part of the world this," he remarked. "By the way, what about that +malaria of yours?" + +"What about it?" I observed shortly. + +"Comes and goes rather suddenly, doesn't it?" + +"Very," I agreed. "It's one of the suddenest diseases ever invented." + +"'Invented' is a good word," said Toby. "You're a bit of an inventor, +aren't you?" + +"What do you mean? Are you venturing to imply--" + +"I imply nothing. I merely state that this morning Suzanne came down to +breakfast in her travelling-clothes. And that wasn't all." + +"Wasn't it?" I inquired weakly. "Tell me the worst." + +"All through breakfast," continued Toby with relish, "she was restless and +off her feed, and appeared to be listening for something. Afterwards +nothing could induce her to leave the house, and I myself caught her +surreptitiously studying the time-table. Every time a step was heard coming +up the drive she started to her feet. At last a telegraph-boy arrived. +Before anybody could discover whom the wire was addressed to, Suzanne +snatched it from the boy, tore it open, placed her hand in the region of +her heart and exclaimed, 'Oh, how provoking! Poor Percival's--' then she +turned it the right way up, looked unutterably foolish and meekly handed it +over to Aunt Lucy. It was from the old lady's stockbroker and referred to +some transaction or other in Housing Bonds." + +"And what did Aunt Lucy say?" I asked. + +"Oh, she just looked the least little bit surprised," replied Toby, "but +she didn't utter. Suzanne had to embrace the muddiest of all the cocker +pups to hide her flaming cheeks." + +"Well, what happened then?" + +"Then? Oh, then the telegraph-boy fished out another wire from his wallet. +I took it, glanced at the envelope and handed it to Suzanne. This time she +read it very gingerly before exclaiming in a highly unemotional voice: 'Oh, +how provoking! Poor Percival's got one of his sudden attacks of malaria and +can't come. So, if you don't mind, Aunt Lucy, I'll catch the eleven-fifteen +back.' Aunt Lucy was very sympathetic and went up to help her with her +packing, which was accomplished in a surprisingly short time; as a matter +of fact she had practically done it all before breakfast. Just as she was +going to drive off to the station up came another telegraph-boy. That was +your second wire, and Suzanne didn't seem any too pleased to receive it. +I'm not at all convinced," concluded Toby, "that your wife would make her +fortune on the stage." + +"Do you think Aunt Lucy suspects?" I asked. + +"Bless you, no. The dear old thing has the heart of a child." + +Maybe, but I have my doubts. Suzanne's aunt insisted on my staying a week +as a preventive against a nervous breakdown, and the tonic with which she +herself dosed me several times a day was the most repulsive beverage I had +ever tasted, effectually ruining the savour of figs and mulberries. Can it +be that Aunt Lucy is not only of a suspicious but also of a revengeful +nature? + +Suzanne ridicules my doublings and declares that she could make her aunt +swallow anything. I wish she could have made her swallow my tonic. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: THE QUESTION OF THE YACHTING CAP. + +HE DIDN'T WANT TO LOOK LIKE EVERY TOM, DICK AND HARRY, HE SAID, SO HE +DECIDED TO GO IN HIS YACHTING CAP.] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: BRITISH ASSOCIATION DELEGATES DISCUSSING ORIGIN OF STREET +ARAB'S EJACULATION, "YAH-YAH-YAH-SHR-R-RUP!"] + + * * * * * + + KAMENEFF to KRASSIN (on applying for passports): "_Cras ingens + iterabimus æquor._" + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Host._ "HALF A MINUTE! I'LL LIGHT YOU TO THE GATE; IT'S +VERY DARK." + +_Cheerful Guest._ "THAT'S ALL RIGHT. I CAN SEE IN THE DARK. WHY, WHEN I WAS +IN FLANDERS--" + +_Host._ "YES, YES; BUT YOU'RE NOT IN FLANDERS NOW--YOU'RE IN MY CARNATION +BED."] + + * * * * * + +OUR BOOKING-OFFICE. + +(_By Mr. Punch's Staff of Learned Clerks._) + +It would certainly have been a thousand pities if the coming of Peace had +deprived us of anything so cheerfully stimulating as the tales of "SAPPER" +(CYRIL MCNEILE). His _Bull-Dog Drummond_ (HODDER AND STOUGHTON) shows all +the old breathless invention as active as ever, while the pugnacity--to +give it no stronger term--is wholly unrestrained, even by what might seem +the unpromising atmosphere of Godalming in 1919. It would, of course, be +utterly beyond my scope to give in barest outline any list of the wild and +whirling events that begin when _Captain Hugh Drummond_ selects the most +encouraging of the answers to his "Bored ex-soldier" advertisement and +meets the writer, a cryptic but lovely lady, in the Carlton lounge. +(Judging by contemporary fiction, what histories could those walls reveal!) +After that the affair almost instantly develops into one lurid sequence of +battle, murder, bluff and the kind of ten-minutes-here-for-courtship which +proves that there is a gentler side even to the process of tracking crime. +As usual, though less in this business than most, because of the engaging +humour of the hero, I experienced a mild sympathy for the arch-villains; +and indeed they might well feel some bitterness when, after being described +as the master-intellects of the age, the author required them to conduct +their most secret affairs in a lighted ground-floor room with the curtains +undrawn. Most of them turn out to be Bolshevists, or at least in the +receipt of Soviet subsidies--though I see a well-known Labour Daily +reviewed the plot as unconvincing. Odd! Anyhow, a rattling story. + + * * * * * + +I am aware that, in confessing to an entire ignorance of any one of the +so-called _Books of Artemas_, I place myself in a minority so small as to +be almost beneath notice. This certainly is how the publishers regard the +matter if one may judge by their ecstatically jubilant, "Artemas has +written a novel! 7s. 6d. net," on the wrapper of _A Dear Fool_ (WESTALL). +Well, I have read the novel carefully, even I trust generously, with the +unhappy result that (knowing how elusive and individual a thing is +laughter) I can hardly bring myself to say how dull I found it. But the +fact remains. It is all about nothing--a preposterous little plot for the +identification, at a wildly inhuman reception, of an anonymous dramatist, +revealed finally as the journalist hero who was nearly sacked for writing +the play's only bad notice. In my day I have met both editors and critics; +even dramatists. I don't say they were all pleasant people; many of them +were not. But--here is my point--practically every one of them had at least +sufficient of our common humanity to prevent them from behaving for one +instant as their representatives do in this book. Let us charitably leave +it at that. Probably the next man I meet will have invited apoplexy over +his enjoyment of the same pages that moved me only to an irritated +bewilderment. You never can tell. + + * * * * * + +I rather think that _The Man with the Rubber Soles_ (HODDER AND STOUGHTON) +is Sir ALEXANDER BANNERMAN'S firstling, at least as far as fiction is +concerned. If so, many others will share my hope that it may prove to be +the eldest of a large family. For the author has not merely the knack of +telling a good mystery story in a way that keeps one interested until the +last page is turned; he tells it in a curiously dry matter-of-fact way that +makes really startling adventures seem the sort of thing that might happen +to anybody. The story concerns the pursuit of a gang of men who are engaged +in importing forged Treasury notes on a large scale and uttering them +through skilfully organised agencies. The police and various civilians +between them--there is no super-sleuth to weary us with his machine-like +prowess--run the thing to earth, partly by skill and partly by good luck, +and the civilians in particular have a stirring time doing it. Bombs, +automatic pistols, even soldiers and a submarine, assist quite naturally in +sustaining the interest. And a pleasant little romance is really woven into +the plot, not just pushed in anyhow. Altogether _The Man with the Rubber +Soles_ is a most excellent story of its kind, a real novel because plot and +treatment are alike new, and one can safely prophesy that when Sir +ALEXANDER BANNERMAN produces his nextling he will find a large and +appreciative circle of readers waiting to welcome it. + + * * * * * + +Three things charmed me particularly about _Henry Elizabeth_ (HURST AND +BLACKETT), whose remarkable second name was due to the fact that he was +born in the same year as the Virgin Queen and that his father had hoped +that he too would be a girl. In the first place he became the greatest +swordsman of his age and I was thus able to add him to my fine collection +of Elizabethan heroes who have achieved this honour. What happens when two +of these champions meet in those shadowy regions of romance where all +costume novels are merged I do not know. It must be rather like the +irresistible force and the immovable object. In the second place _H.E._ (no +one could better deserve these formidable initials) was given the job of +clearing Lundy Island of its piratical tenants, and I happened to have +Lundy Island just opposite me as I read the book. It is not often that a +reviewer has the chance of checking local colour with so little pains. And +in the third place Mr. JUSTIN HUNTLY MCCARTHY informs me, on page 101, that +his hero will "gaze one day upon rivers to which the Thames should seem +little better than a pitiful rivulet." As _Henry_ never gets further from +his native Devon than London in the course of this novel I take it that +this is a delicate allusion to the possibility of a sequel. I hope it is +so, and that I shall hear of _Henry_ in days to come, after a trip or two +with RALEIGH or DRAKE, rebuilding his manor of Braginton, which was +unfortunately burnt to the ground, and settling down to plant potatoes and +tobacco in prosperity and peace. + + * * * * * + +From the title, _Brute Gods_ (HEINEMANN), you may guess that Mr. LOUIS +WILKINSON'S new novel does not deal with homely topics in a vein of +harmless frolic. In recommending this very serious work of an expert author +and observer, I am bound to make some reservation. Unsophisticated youth, +if such there be in these days, should be kept away from the affair between +_Alec Glaive_ and _Gillian Collett_. _Alec_, a mere boy, was in a +dangerously unsettled condition when the lady crossed his path. His mother +had upset a not too happy family by eloping with a literary _poseur_; the +egoism of his father had been rendered even more oppressive and his sarcasm +even more acid thereby; and a Roman Catholic priest, intent on securing a +convert for his Order, had been plying his young mind with too exciting +conversations and too refreshing wines. Apart from external circumstances, +_Alec_ was tending to quarrel with humanity at large, and so he went the +whole hog, more in search of a desperate ideal than by way of impetuous +sin. Mr. WILKINSON treats the affair with deliberate, cold-blooded, even +cynical analysis; and his portrayal of the snobbery and humbug of the +upper-middle class, social and intellectual, in which his creatures move is +searching and disturbing. But, I ask myself, are people really like that? +Or rather are there enough of these unnaturals, extremists, moral +Bolshevists or whatever you like to call them, to justify their +presentation as a modern type? Always an optimist, I think not; and I +notice that the author gives a no less clever and a much more convincing +impression of the normal, settled and pleasant characters who are +incidental to the plot. Make for yourself the acquaintance of the charming +_Wilfred Vail_ and the most amusing and seductive Cockney artiste, _Betty +Barnfield_, and you will admit, however pessimistic your views, that there +may be something in mine. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: ROMANCE AND PROSE. + +_The Youth._ "CAN YOU DIRECT ME TO THE CASTLE OF THE BLACK MOUNTAIN?" + +_The Old Man._ "I CAN, YOUNG MAN. BUT PERCHANCE THOU GOEST TO SEEK THE HAND +OF THE PRINCESS? BEWARE, RASH YOUTH! IT IS A PERILOUS ADVENTURE. THOU WILT +BE REQUIRED TO ACHIEVE MANY DANGEROUS TASKS. HAST THOU THOUGHT OF THE +RISK?" + +_The Youth._ "NOT MUCH. I'M GOIN' TO MEND THE KITCHEN BOILER."] + + * * * * * + +PALMAM QUI MERUIT FERAT. + + "The Czecho-Slovaks were greeted this afternoon by a committee of + Vancouver ladies, representing the Red Cross Society. The war-worn + veterans were presented with a package containing cigarettes, an orange + and a chocolate bar, in recognition of valuable services rendered the + Allied cause."--_Canadian Paper._ + + * * * * * + + "PRINCE GEORGE IN SWEDEN. + + Prince George has been enjoying the sights of Christiania and its + beautiful surroundings."--_Morning Paper._ + +He should now visit Stockholm and give Norway a turn. + + * * * * * + + "Gentleman, no ties, will undertake any mission to anywhere."-- + _Provincial Paper._ + +But surely not where neck-wear is _de rigueur_. + + + + + + +End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. +159, September 1st, 1920, by Various + +*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH *** + +***** This file should be named 16717-8.txt or 16717-8.zip ***** +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: + https://www.gutenberg.org/1/6/7/1/16717/ + +Produced by Jonathan Ingram, Keith Edkins and the Online +Distributed Proofreading Team at https://www.pgdp.net + + +Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions +will be renamed. + +Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no +one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation +(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without +permission and without paying copyright royalties. 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