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diff --git a/16684-h/16684-h.htm b/16684-h/16684-h.htm new file mode 100644 index 0000000..06969e4 --- /dev/null +++ b/16684-h/16684-h.htm @@ -0,0 +1,2479 @@ +<!DOCTYPE html PUBLIC "-//W3C//DTD XHTML 1.0 Transitional//EN" + "http://www.w3.org/TR/xhtml1/DTD/xhtml1-transitional.dtd"> + +<html xmlns="http://www.w3.org/1999/xhtml"> +<head> + <meta http-equiv="Content-Type" content="text/html; charset=iso-8859-1" /> + + <title>Punch, July 7th, 1920.</title> + + <style type="text/css"> + <!-- + body {margin-left: 10%; margin-right: 10%;} + p {text-align: justify;} + p.center {text-align: center;} + p.author {text-align: right; margin-top: -1em; margin-right: 5%;} + p.right {text-align: right; margin-right: 5%;} + .i16 {margin-left: 8em;} + .i8 {margin-left: 4em;} + .i6 {margin-left: 3em;} + blockquote {text-align: justify;} + h1,h2,h3,h4,h5,h6 {text-align: center;} + pre {font-size: 0.7em;} + + hr {text-align: center; width: 50%;} + html>body hr {margin-right: 25%; margin-left: 25%; width: 50%;} + hr.full {width: 100%;} + html>body hr.full {margin-right: 0%; margin-left: 0%; width: 100%;} + hr.short {text-align: center; width: 20%;} + html>body hr.short {margin-right: 40%; margin-left: 40%; width: 20%;} + + .sc {font-variant: small-caps;} + .note + {margin-left: 10%; margin-right: 10%; font-size: 0.9em;} + + span.pagenum + {position: absolute; left: 1%; right: 91%; font-size: 8pt; text-indent: 0;} + + .poem + {margin-left:10%; margin-right:10%; margin-bottom: 1em; text-align: left;} + .poem .stanza {margin: 1em 0em 1em 0em;} + .poem p {margin: 0; padding-left: 3em; text-indent: -3em;} + .poem p.i2 {margin-left: 1em;} + .poem p.i4 {margin-left: 2em;} + .poem p.i6 {margin-left: 3em;} + .poem p.i8 {margin-left: 4em;} + .poem p.i10 {margin-left: 5em;} + .poem p.i12 {margin-left: 6em;} + .poem p.i16 {margin-left: 8em;} + + .figure, .figcenter, .figright, .figleft + {padding: 1em; margin: 0; text-align: center; font-size: 0.8em;} + .figure img, .figcenter img, .figright img, .figleft img + {border: none;} + .figure p, .figcenter p, .figright p, .figleft p + {margin: 0; text-indent: 1em;} + .figure p.in, .figcenter p.in, .figright p.in, .figleft p.in + {margin: 0; text-indent: 8em;} + .figcenter {margin: auto;} + .figright {float: right;} + .figleft {float: left;} + --> + </style> +</head> +<body> + + +<pre> + +The Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 159, +July 7th, 1920, by Various + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 159, July 7th, 1920 + +Author: Various + +Release Date: September 12, 2005 [EBook #16684] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1 + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH *** + + + + +Produced by Jonathan Ingram, Keith Edkins and the Online +Distributed Proofreading Team at https://www.pgdp.net + + + + + + +</pre> + + <h1>PUNCH,<br /> + OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.</h1> + + <h2>Vol. 159.</h2> + <hr class="full" /> + + <h2>July 7th, 1920.</h2> + <hr class="full" /> + + <div class="figcenter" style="width:100%;"> + <a href="images/001.png"><img width="100%" src="images/001.png" + alt="Punch. Vol. Clix." /></a> + </div> +<hr /> + +<span class="pagenum"><a name="page1" id="page1"></a>[pg 1]</span> + + <div class="figcenter" style="width:100%;"> + <a href="images/003.png"><img width="100%" src="images/003.png" + alt="Vol. Clix." /></a> + </div> +<hr /> + +<h2>TIMON.</h2> + + <p>About a month ago we lost our dog. I can't describe him, although I + have tried from time to time; but Elaine, my wife, said I should not + speak in that fashion of a dumb animal. He stands about two hands high, + is of a reseda-green shade, except when in anger, and has no + distinguishing marks except the absence of a piece of the right ear, + which was carried off by a marauding Irish terrier. He answers with a + growl to many names, including that of Timon. He will also answer to a + piece of raw meat, another dog or a postman.</p> + + <p>I do not know if dogs can be said to have a hobby; if so, Timon's + hobby is postmen. He studies them closely. In fact I should not be + surprised if he comes to write a monograph on them some day.</p> + + <p>As soon as one of them has daringly passed the entrance gates of + Bellevue, Timon trots forth like a reception committee to meet him. He + studies the bunch of communications that the visitor bears in his hand. + If they are all right—cheques from publishers, editors and + missing-heir merchants, invitations to tea and tennis or dinner and + dominoes, requests for autographs—Timon nods and allows the postman + to pass unscathed. On the other hand, if the collection includes rejected + manuscripts, income or other tax demand notes, tracts or circulars, then + I hear the low growl with which Timon customarily goes into action, and + the next moment the postman is making for the neighbouring county and + taking a four-foot gate in his stride.</p> + + <p>Consequently it is to be anticipated that if the Olympic Games are + ever held in our neighbourhood the sprint and the hurdles will be simply + at the mercy of our local post-office. They take no credit for it. It is + simply practice, they say.</p> + + <p>But, to return to the main subject, we have lost Timon. One month has + passed without his cheery presence at Bellevue. Reckless postmen have + made themselves free of the front garden and all colour has gone out of + life.</p> + + <p>We have done everything to win him back. We have inserted numerous + advertisements in the agony columns of the newspapers: "If this should + catch the eye of Timon," or "Come back, Timon. All will be forgiven;" but + apparently we have yet to find his favourite newspaper.</p> + + <p>We began with the well-known canine papers, trusting vainly that he + might happen to glance through them some day when he was a bit bored or + hadn't an engagement. After that we went through <i>The Times</i>, <i>The + Morning Post</i> (he's strongly anti-Bolshevik), <i>The Daily News</i> + (his views on vivisection are notorious) and other dailies, and then took + to the weeklies.</p> + + <p>We had strong hopes for a time that <i>The Meat Trade Review</i> would + find him. Timon is fond of raw meat. But failure again resulted. We have + now reached <i>Syren and Shipping</i> and <i>The Ironmongers' Gazette</i> + and—</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + + <p>I must stop here to inform you of the glad news. Elaine has just + hurried in to tell me that Timon has replied and will be back + to-morrow.</p> + + <p>How did we catch his eye? Well, of course we should have thought of it + before. It was <i>The Post Office Gazette</i>.</p> + +<hr /> + +<span class="pagenum"><a name="page2" id="page2"></a>[pg 2]</span> + +<h2>THE ROMANCE OF BOOKMAKING.</h2> + +<p class="center"><font class="sc">A Visit to Messrs. Pryce Unltd.</font></p> + +<p class="center">(<i>With acknowledgments in the right quarter.</i>)</p> + + <p>A gigantic commissionaire flings wide the doors for us and, passing + reverently inside, we are confronted by the magnificent equestrian statue + of Mr. Bookham Pryce, the founder of the firm. This masterpiece of the + Post-Cubist School was originally entitled, "Niobe Weeping for her + Children," but the gifted artist, in recognition of Mr. Pryce's princely + offer of one thousand guineas for the group, waived his right to the + title.</p> + + <p>On the left we see the Foreign Department. Here we watch with rapt + attention the arrival of countless business telegrams from all parts of + the world. We choose one or two at random and see for ourselves the + ramifications of Pryce's far-flung booking service. This one from China: + "Puttee fifty taels Boko Lanchester Cup;" another from distant Siberia, + emerging from the primeval forests of that wondrous land of the future: + "Tenbobski Quitter Ebury Handicap." Bets are accepted in all + denominations from Victory Bonds to the cowrie-shells of West Africa.</p> + + <p>Passing up the marble staircase and leaving the Home Department on our + right we arrive at the Stumer Section. Here a small army of ex-Scotland + Yard detectives are engaged in dealing with <i>malâ-fide</i> + commissions—attempts on the part of men of straw to make credit + bets, or telegrams despatched after a race is over.</p> + + <p>Where shall we go next? We ask a courteous shopwalker, who in flawless + English advises us to try the Winter Gardens, where a delightful tea is + served at a minimum cost. Here, whilst sipping a fragrant cup of Orange + Pekoe, we can watch the large screen, on which the results of all races + are flashed within ten seconds of the horses passing the winning-post. At + one time, in fact, it was nothing unusual for Pryce's to have the results + posted before the horses had completed the course, but in deference to + the prejudices of certain purists this practice was abandoned.</p> + + <p>Follows a hurried visit to the Library and Museum, where we gaze + enthralled at the original pair of pigeon-blue trousers with which Mr. + Bookham Pryce made his sensational <i>début</i> on the Lincoln course in + the spring of 1894. We might linger here a moment to muse over the simple + beginnings of great men, but time is pressing and we are all agog to + visit the Bargain Basement.</p> + + <p>An express lift flashes us downwards in a few seconds and behold we + are in the midst of rows of counters groaning under bargains that even + the New Poor can scarce forbear to grasp.</p> + + <p>Here, for example, is one-hundred-to-eight offered against Pincushion + for the Gimcrack Stakes. This wondrous animal's lineage and previous + performances are carefully tabulated on a card at the side, and, + remembering the form he showed at Gatwick, one wonders, as the man in the + street would say, how it is done.</p> + + <p>Or look at Tom-tom, which left the others simply standing in a field + of forty-four at Kempton Park, and carrying eight-stone-seven. Here he + has a paltry four-pound penalty for the Worcester Welter Handicap, yet + one can have seven to one about him.</p> + + <p>How the House of Pryce can offer such bargains is a mystery to the old + school of red-necked bookmakers, whose Oxford accent was not pronounced. + They fail to see what courtesy, urbanity and meat-teas at three shillings + per head can do in the way of stimulating business.</p> + + <p>From the Bargain Basement we wander at will through the remaining + departments, making inquiries here and there from the expert assistants, + technically known as laymen, without being once importuned to make a + bet.</p> + + <p>And when at length, refreshed and pleased with a delightful afternoon, + we pass again through the portals of the House of Pryce, we make for + home, confirmed supporters of the modern personal touch, which has + transformed a drab business into a veritable romance.</p> + +<hr /> + +<h4>Our Optimistic Advertisers.</h4> + + <blockquote> + <p>"Will Person who took Gent.'s Trenchcoat by mistake whilst motor-cycle + was on fire in —— Rd., on Wednesday night, please return + same."—<i>Provincial Paper</i>.</p> + + </blockquote> +<hr class="short" /> + + <blockquote> + <p>"Alec Herd, who went round in 72, and who is one of the old school, + was second in the Open Championship no fewer than 28 years ago, and won + it as far back as 19042."—<i>Provincial Paper</i>.</p> + + </blockquote> + <p><i>B.C.</i>, of course.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + + <blockquote> + <p>"Yesterday was St. Stephen's Day, and, therefore, the patronal + festival of the Abbey Church. Hence the choice of the date for the issue + of the appeal, though probably not one Englishman in a thousand connects + the Abbey with any particular saint."—<i>Daily Paper</i>.</p> + + </blockquote> + <p>Well, certainly not this one, though we have heard St. <font + class="sc">Peter</font> alluded to in this connection.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + +<p class="center">"<font class="sc">The Henley Regatta.</font></p> + + <blockquote> + <p>A remarkable feature of the meeting is the number of ladies rowing, + the ten heats for eight-oared boats in the Ladies' Challenge Cup being + decided to-day."—<i>Provincial Paper</i>.</p> + + </blockquote> + <p>Lest the male element should be entirely forgotten, would it not be + well to call it in future "The Cock-and-henley regatta"?</p> + +<hr /> + +<h2>IMPORTANT NEW BOOKS</h2> + +<p class="center"><font class="sc">Published by the Maryland Company, +Squinting House Square.</font></p> + +<p class="center"><i>Ready to-day. An arresting Novel.</i></p> + +<p class="center">By <font class="sc">Rizzio Darnley</font>.</p> + +<p class="center"><i>REINCARNATION; OR, THE TWO MARIES.</i></p> + +<p class="center">With eighteen illustrations on superpulp +paramount artcraft vellum.</p> + + <blockquote> + <p>"The story is one of the most gripping that I have ever read. I am + still suffering from its grippe."—<i>Lord Thanet in "The Daily + Feature."</i></p> + + </blockquote> +<hr class="short" /> + +<p class="center"><i>Also ready to-day. The Book of the Year.</i></p> + +<p class="center"><i>FROM SCREEN TO THRONE.</i></p> + +<p class="center">By <font class="sc">Harry Egbold</font>.</p> + + <blockquote> + <p>"I am glad to pay a tribute to the sincerity, intimate knowledge and + exalted Quixotry of this extraordinary book. It is the best that has ever + been written."—<i>Lord Thanet in "The Daily Mary."</i></p> + + </blockquote> +<hr class="short" /> + +<p class="center"><i>The Novel of the Century.</i></p> + +<p class="center"><i>THE PERILS OF MAJESTY.</i></p> + +<p class="center">By <font class="sc">H. Stickham Weed</font>.</p> + +<p class="center">In <font class="sc">Mallaby-Deeley</font> cloth, with +luminous portraits.</p> + + <blockquote> + <p>"It is so rich in plums that I do not recommend anyone to read more + than half-a-column at a time. In this way the pleasure and profit can be + spread over several weeks. This wonderful book is the product of a + brilliant thinker and tender-hearted gentleman. My shelves are full, but + I should take down any war-book to make room for this."—<i>Lord + Thanet (third review in "The Douglas Daily Dispatch.")</i></p> + + </blockquote> +<hr class="short" /> + +<p class="center"><i>A Novel of Super-Pathos.</i></p> + +<p class="center"><i>THE QUEEN'S REST CURE.</i></p> + +<p class="center">By "<font class="sc">Mr. X</font>."</p> + + <blockquote> + <p>"<i>The Queen's Rest-Cure</i> is a greater book than <i>The Rescue</i> + by <font class="sc">Joseph Conrad</font>, because the sinister thrill of + suspense yields to the ever-fresh romance of young love. I have read and + re-read it with tears of pure delight, punctuated with shrieks of happy + laughter."—<i>Lord Thanet in "The Maryland Mirror."</i></p> + + </blockquote> +<hr class="short" /> + +<p class="center"><i>QUOTES AND CHEERIES.</i></p> + + <p>A medium of instruction and enlightenment for literary gents, gentle + readers and all persons anxious to think about four things at once.</p> + +<p class="center"><font class="sc">Every Saturday.</font></p> + +<p class="center"><i>Mary's Journal of her Trip to England.</i></p> + + <p>The concluding instalment of Mary Queen of Hearts' journal of her trip + to England appears in the current issue of <i>Quotes and Cheeries</i> + under the caption of "Squinting House Square Papers." Reference has + already been made in a preceding instalment to the riots at the Fitz + Hotel and the flight of the Queen to Wimbledon in a taxi driven by Sir + Philip Phibbs, afterwards Lord Fountain of Penn.</p> + +<hr /> + +<span class="pagenum"><a name="page3" id="page3"></a>[pg 3]</span> + + <div class="figcenter" style="width:100%;"> + <a href="images/005.png"><img width="100%" src="images/005.png" + alt="L'ENFANT TERRIBLE." /></a> + <h3>L'ENFANT TERRIBLE.</h3> + + <p><font class="sc">Young Turk</font>. "I WILL FIGHT TO THE DEATH FOR + OUR NATIONAL HONOUR."</p> + + <p><font class="sc">Old Turk</font>. "WELL, IF YOU MUST. BUT I WASH MY + HANDS OF THE WHOLE BUSINESS—UNLESS, OF COURSE, YOU WIN."</p> + </div> +<hr /> + +<span class="pagenum"><a name="page4" id="page4"></a>[pg 4]</span> + + <div class="figcenter" style="width:100%;"> + <a href="images/006.png"><img width="100%" src="images/006.png" + alt="What's the matter, Sandy?" /></a> + <div class="i16"> + <p><i>Golfer</i>. "<font class="sc">What's the matter, Sandy? Aren't + you going to play this afternoon?</font>"</p> + + <p><i>Sandy</i>. "<font class="sc">Man, have you not heard? I've lost + ma ball.</font>"</p> + </div> + </div> +<hr /> + +<h2>ELIZABETH GOES TO THE SALES.</h2> + + <p>"Are you goin' to the Summer Sales this year, 'm?" inquired Elizabeth, + suddenly projecting herself on the horizon of my thoughts.</p> + + <p>I laid down my pen at once. It is not possible to continue writing if + Elizabeth desires to make conversation at the same time.</p> + + <p>"Certainly I shall, if I hear of a sale of cheap crockery," I replied + pointedly; "ours badly needs replenishing."</p> + + <p>The barbed arrow did not find its mark. It may require a surgical + operation to get a joke into a Scotsman, but only the medium of some high + explosive could properly convey a hint to Elizabeth.</p> + + <p>"'Oo wants to go to sales to buy things like pots?" asked Elizabeth + scornfully.</p> + + <p>"<i>People who are always getting their pots broken</i>," I replied in + italics.</p> + + <p>"Well, everyone to their tastes," she commented casually. I began to + wonder if even trinitrotoluol could be ineffective at times. "Wot I mean + by sales is buyin' clothes," she continued; "bargins, you know."</p> + + <p>"Yes, I know," I answered; "I've seen them—in the + advertisements. But I never secure any."</p> + + <p>"Why don't you, then?"</p> + + <p>"Because of all the other people, Elizabeth. Those who get the + bargains seem to have a more dominant nature than mine. They have more + grit, determination—"</p> + + <p>"Sharper elbows is wot you mean," put in Elizabeth. "It's chiefly a + matter of 'oo pushes 'ardest. My! I love a sale if only for the sake o' + the scrimmage. A friend o' mine 'oo's been separated from 'er 'usband + becos they was always fightin' told me she never misses goin' to a sale + so that she'll be in practice in case 'er and 'er old man make it up + again."</p> + + <p>"I'm not surprised that I never get any bargains," I commented, + "although I often long to. Look at the advertisement in this newspaper, + for instance. Here's a silk jumper which is absurdly cheap. It's a lovely + Rose du Barri tricot and costs only—"</p> + + <p>"'Oo's rose doo barry trick-o when 'e's at 'ome?" inquired + Elizabeth.</p> + + <p>I translated hurriedly. "I mean it's a pink knitted one. Exactly what + I want. But what is the use of my even hoping to secure it?"</p> + + <p>"I'll get it for you," announced Elizabeth.</p> + + <p>"You! But how?"</p> + + <p>"I'll go an' wait an hour or two afore the doors open, an' when they + do I don't 'arf know 'ow to fight my way to the counters. Let me go, m'm. + I'd reelly like the outin'."</p> + + <p>I hesitated, but only for a moment. What could be simpler than sending + an emissary to use her elbows on my behalf? There was nothing unfair in + doing that, especially if I undertook the washing-up in her absence.</p> + + <p>Elizabeth set out very early on the day of the sale looking + enthusiastic. I, equally enthusiastic, applied myself to the menial tasks + usually performed by Elizabeth. We had just finished a <span + class="pagenum"><a name="page5" id="page5"></a>[pg 5]</span> lunch of + tinned soup, tinned fish and tinned fruit (oh, what a blessing is a + can-opener in the absence of domestics!) when she reappeared. My heart + leapt at the sight of a parcel in her hand.</p> + + <p>"You got it after all!" I exclaimed. O thrice blessed Elizabeth! O + most excellent domestic! For the battles she had fought that day on my + behalf she should not go unrewarded.</p> + + <p>"I'm longing to try it on," I said as I tore at the outer + wrappings.</p> + + <p>"Well, I orter say it isn't the one you told me to get," interposed + Elizabeth.</p> + + <p>I paused in unwrapping the parcel, assailed by sudden misgivings. + "Isn't this the jumper, then?"</p> + + <p>"Not that pertickler one. You see, it was like this: there was a great + 'orse of a woman just in front o' me an' I couldn't move ahead of 'er + no'ow, try as I would. It was a case o' bulk, if you know what I mean, + an' elbows wasn't no good. An' 'ang me if she wasn't goin' in for that + there very tricky jumper you wanted! I put up a good fight for it, 'm, I + did indeed. We both reached it at the same time, got 'old of it together, + an'—an'—when it gave way at the seams I let 'er 'ave it," + said Elizabeth, concluding her simple narrative. It sounded convincing + enough. I had no reason to doubt it at the moment.</p> + + <p>"The beast!" I said in the bitterness of my heart. "Is it possible a + woman could so far forget herself as to behave like that, Elizabeth?"</p> + + <p>"But there's no need for you to be disappointed, as I got a jumper for + you arter all," she continued. She took the final wrappings off the + parcel and drew out a garment. "There!" she remarked proudly, holding it + aloft.</p> + + <p>The Old Masters, we are told, discovered the secret of colour, but the + colour of that jumper should have been kept a secret—it never ought + to have been allowed to leak out. It was one of those flaming pinks that + cannot be regarded by the naked eye for any length of time, owing to the + strain it puts on the delicate optic nerve. Bands of purple finished off + this Bolshevist creation.</p> + + <p>"How dare you ask me to wear that?" I broke out when I had partially + recovered from the shock.</p> + + <p>"Why, wot's wrong with it? You said you wanted a pink tricky one. It's + pink, isn't it?"</p> + + <p>"Yes, it <i>is</i> pink," I admitted faintly.</p> + + <p>"An' it's far trickier nor wot the other was."</p> + + <p>"You had better keep the jumper for yourself," I said crossly. "No + doubt it will suit you better than it would me."</p> + + <p>She seemed gratified, but not unusually taken aback at my generosity. + "Well, since you ses it yourself, 'm, p'raps it is more my style. Your + complexion won't <i>stand</i> as much as mine."</p> + + <p>I was pondering on whether this was intended as a compliment or an + insult when she spoke again.</p> + + <p>"I shan't 'arf cut a dash," she murmured as she drifted to the door; + "an' it might be the means o' bringin' it off this time."</p> + + <p>"Bringing what off, Elizabeth?"</p> + + <p>"Bringin' my new young man to the point, 'm. You see, 'e do love a bit + o' colour; <i>an' I knew 'e wouldn't 'ave liked the rose doo barry + trick-o, anyhow.</i>"</p> + +<hr /> + + <div class="figcenter" style="width:66%;"> + <a href="images/007.png"><img width="100%" src="images/007.png" + alt="Are you sure you know what kind of cap you do want?" /></a> + <p><i>Proprietor</i> (<i>to the rescue of his assistants, who have + failed to satisfy customer</i>). "<font class="sc">Are you sure you + know what kind of cap you do want?</font>"</p> + + <p><i>New "Blood."</i> "<font class="sc">Well, ye see, it's like + this—I've bought a motor-bike, and I thought as 'ow I'd like a + cap wi' a peak at the back.</font>"</p> + </div> +<hr /> + + <blockquote> + <p>"Wanted, a General, plain cooking, gas fires, two boys 9 by + 5.—South Streatham."—<i>Local Paper.</i></p> + + </blockquote> + <p>Nothing is said of their third dimensions.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + +<h4>A Remarkable Coincidence.</h4> + + <blockquote> + <p>"To-day is the birthday of Lord Durham and his twin brother, the Hon. + F.W. Lambton, both of whom are sixty-five." <i>Provincial Paper</i>.</p> + + </blockquote> +<hr class="short" /> + + <blockquote> + <p>"Prince Arthur is well fitted for the high post to which he has been + called. He is the tallest member of the Royal Family."—<i>Daily + Paper</i>.</p> + + </blockquote> + <p>But it is only fair to his Royal Highness to say that he has other + qualifications as well.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + + <p>From the recent debate on "Doctors and Secrecy":—</p> + + <blockquote> + <p>"If you begin to open the door you take away the sheet anchor upon + which our professional work is based."—<i>Daily Paper</i>.</p> + + </blockquote> + <p>We trust that the speaker mixes his medicines more discreetly than his + metaphors.</p> + +<hr /> + +<span class="pagenum"><a name="page6" id="page6"></a>[pg 6]</span> + +<h2>ON WITH THE DANCE.</h2> + + <p>I have been to a dance; or rather I have been to a fashionable + restaurant where dancing is done. I was not invited to a + dance—there are very good reasons for that; I was invited to + dinner. But many of my fellow-guests have invested a lot of money in + dancing. That is to say, they keep on paying dancing-instructors to teach + them new tricks; and the dancing-instructors, who know their business, + keep on inventing new tricks. As soon as they have taught everybody a new + step they say it is unfashionable and invent a new one.</p> + + <p>This is all very well from their point of view, but it means that, in + order to keep up with them and get your money's worth out of the last + trick you learned, it is necessary during its brief life of + respectability to dance at every available opportunity. You dance as many + nights a week as is physically possible; you dance on week-days and you + dance on Sundays; you begin dancing in the afternoon and you dance during + tea in the coffee-rooms of expensive restaurants, whirling your + precarious way through littered and abandoned tea-tables; and at + dinner-time you leap up madly before the fish and dance like variety + artistes in a highly-polished arena before a crowd of complete strangers + eating their food; or, as if seized with an uncontrollable craving for + the dance, you fling out after the joint for one wild gallop in an outer + room, from which you return, perspiring and dyspeptic, to the consumption + of an ice-pudding, before dashing forth to the final orgy at a + picture-gallery, where the walls are appropriately covered with pictures + of barbaric women dressed for the hot weather.</p> + + <p>That is what happened at this dinner. As soon as you had started a + nice conversation with a lady a sort of roaring was heard without; her + eyes gleamed, her nostrils quivered like a horse planning a gallop, and + in the middle of one of your best sentences she simply faded away with + some horrible man at the other end of the table who was probably "the + only man in London who can do the Double Straddle properly." This went on + the whole of the meal, and it made connected conversation quite + difficult. For my own part I went on eating, and when I had properly + digested I went out and looked at the little victims getting their + money's worth.</p> + + <p>From the door of the room where the dancing was done a confused uproar + overflowed, as if several men of powerful physique were banging a number + of pokers against a number of saucepans, and blowing whistles, and + occasional catcalls, and now and then beating a drum and several sets of + huge cymbals, and ceaselessly twanging at innumerable banjoes, and at the + same time singing in a foreign language, and shouting curses or + exhortations or street cries, or imitating hunting-calls and the cry of + the hyena, or uniting suddenly in the war-whoop of some pitiless Sudan + tribe.</p> + + <p>It was a really terrible noise. It hit you like the back-blast of an + explosion as you entered the room. There was no distinguishable tune. It + was simply an enormous noise. But there was a kind of savage rhythm about + it which made one think immediately of Indians and fierce men and the + native camps one used to visit at the Earl's Court Exhibition. And this + was not surprising. For the musicians included one genuine negro and + three men with their faces blacked; and the noise and the rhythm were the + authentic music of a negro village in South America, and the words which + some genius had once set to the noise were an exhortation to go to the + place where the negroes dwelt.</p> + + <p>To judge by their movements, many of the dancers had in fact been + there, and had carefully studied the best indigenous models. They were + doing some quite extraordinary things. No two couples were doing quite + the same thing for more than a few seconds, so that there was an endless + variety of extraordinary postures. Some of them shuffled secretly along + the edge of the room, their faces tense, their shoulders swaying like + reeds in a light wind, their progress almost imperceptible; they did not + rotate, they did not speak, but sometimes the tremor of a skirt or the + slight stirring of a patent-leather shoe showed that they were indeed + alive and in motion, though that motion was as the motion of a glacier, + not to be measured in minutes or yards.</p> + + <p>And some in a kind of fever rushed hither and thither among the thick + crowd, avoiding disaster with marvellous dexterity; and sometimes they + revolved slowly and sometimes quickly and sometimes spun giddily round + for a moment like gyroscopic tops. Then they too would be seized with a + kind of trance, or it may be with sheer shortness of breath, and hung + motionless for a little in the centre of the room, while the mad throng + jostled and flowed about them like the leaves in Autumn round a dead + bird.</p> + + <p>And some did not revolve at all, but charged straightly up and down; + and some of these thrust their loves for ever before them, as the + Prussians thrust the villagers in the face of the enemy, and some for + ever navigated themselves backwards like moving breakwaters to protect + their darlings from the precipitate seas.</p> + + <p>Some of them kept themselves as upright as possible, swaying slightly + like willows from the hips, and some of them contorted themselves into + strange and angular shapes, now leaning perilously forward till they were + practically lying upon their terrified partners, and now bending sideways + as a man bends who has water in one ear after bathing. All of them + clutched each other in a close and intimate manner, but some, as if by + separation to intensify the joy of their union, or perhaps to secure + greater freedom for some particularly spacious manœuvre, would part + suddenly in the middle of the room and, clinging distantly with their + hands, execute a number of complicated side-steps in opposite directions, + or aim a series of vicious kicks at each other, after which they would + reunite in a passionate embrace and gallop in a frenzy round the room, or + fall into a trance or simply fall down. If they fell down they lay still + for a moment in the fearful expectation of death, as men lie who fall + under a horse; and then they would creep on hands and knees to the wall + through the whirling and indifferent crowd.</p> + + <p>Watching them, you could not tell what any one couple would do next. + The most placid and dignified among them might at any moment fling a leg + out behind them and almost kneel in mutual adoration, and then, as if + nothing unusual had happened, shuffle onward through the press; or, as + though some electric mechanism had been set in motion, they would + suddenly lift a foot sideways and stand on one leg. Poised pathetically, + as if waiting for the happy signal when they might put the other leg + down, these men looked very sad, and I wished that the Medusa's head + might be smuggled somehow into the room for their attitudes to be + imperishably recorded in cold stone; it would have been a valuable + addition to modern sculpture.</p> + + <p>Upon this whirlpool I embarked with the greatest misgiving and a + strange young woman clinging to my person. The noise was deafening. The + four black men were now all shouting at once and playing all their + instruments at once, working up to the inconceivable uproar of the + finale; and all the dancers began to dance with a last desperate fury. + Bodies buffeted one from behind, and while one was yet looking round in + apology or anger more bodies buffeted one from the flank. It was like + swimming in a choppy sea, where there is no time to get the last wave out + of your mouth before the next one hits you.</p> + + <p>Close beside us a couple fell down <span class="pagenum"><a + name="page7" id="page7"></a>[pg 7]</span> with a great crash. I looked at + them with concern, but no one else took any notice. On with the dance! + Faster and faster the black men played. I was dimly aware now that they + were standing on their chairs, bellowing, and fancied the end must be + near. Then we were washed into a quiet backwater, in a corner, and from + here I determined never to issue till the Last Banjo should indeed sound. + Here I sidled vaguely about for a long time, hoping that I looked like a + man preparing for some vast culminating feat, a side-step or a buzz or a + double-Jazz-spin or an ordinary fall down.</p> + + <p>The noise suddenly ceased; the four black men had exploded.</p> + + <p>"Very good exercise," my partner said.</p> + + <p>"Quite," said I.</p> + +<p class="author">A.P.H.</p> + +<hr /> + + <div class="figcenter" style="width:100%;"> + <a href="images/009.png"><img width="100%" src="images/009.png" + alt="That there land be worth dree hundred pound an acre" /></a> + <p><i>Farmer</i> (<i>booming his land to inquiring stranger</i>). + "<font class="sc">That there land be worth dree hundred pound an acre + if it be worth a penny, it be. Were you thinking o' buying an' settling + here</font>?"</p> + + <p><i>Stranger</i>. "<font class="sc">Oh, no. I'm the new + tax-collector</font>."</p> + </div> +<hr /> + + <blockquote> + <p>"We published yesterday a protest from an eminent correspondent + against the appointment of a British Ambassador to Berlin. We understand, + nevertheless, that <font class="sc">Lord D'Abernon</font> has been + selected for the appointment."—<i>Times</i>.</p> + + </blockquote> + <p>Sir <font class="sc">William Orpen</font> is already at work, we + understand, on a picture for next year's Academy, entitled "David defying + the Thunderer."</p> + +<hr /> + +<h3>VANISHED GLORY.</h3> + +<p class="center">(<i>The Life-tragedy of a Military Wag</i>.)</p> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Time was I rocked the crowded tents</p> + <p class="i2">With laughter loud and hearty,</p> + <p>Librettist to the regiment's</p> + <p class="i2">Diverting concert party;</p> + <p>With choice of themes so very small</p> + <p class="i2">The task was far from tiring;</p> + <p>There really was no risk at all</p> + <p class="i2">Of any joke misfiring.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>I found each gibe at army rules</p> + <p class="i2">Appreciated fully;</p> + <p>I sparkled when describing mules</p> + <p class="i2">As "embryonic bully,"</p> + <p>Or, aided by some hackneyed tune,</p> + <p class="i2">Increased my easy laurels</p> + <p>By stringing verses to impugn</p> + <p class="i2">The quartermaster's morals.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>And so I vowed on my demob.</p> + <p class="i2">To shun the retrogression</p> + <p>To any sort of office job;</p> + <p class="i2">I'd jest as a profession</p> + <p>And burst upon the world a new</p> + <p class="i2">Satirical rebuker,</p> + <p>Acquiring fame and maybe too</p> + <p class="i2">A modicum of lucre.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>But vain are all my <i>jeux de mot</i>,</p> + <p class="i2">No lip is loosed in laughter;</p> + <p>I send them to the Press, but no</p> + <p class="i2">Acceptance follows after;</p> + <p>And if, as formerly, I try</p> + <p class="i2">Satiric themes my gibe'll</p> + <p>Be certain to be hampered by</p> + <p class="i2">The common law of libel.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>In short, my hopes begin to fade;</p> + <p class="i2">The yawning gulf has rent them</p> + <p>Twixt finding subjects ready made</p> + <p class="i2">And having to invent them.</p> + <p>Shattered my foolish dreams recede</p> + <p class="i2">And pass into the distance,</p> + <p>And I must search for one in need</p> + <p class="i2">Of clerical assistance.</p> + </div> + </div> + +<hr /> + + <blockquote> + <p>"<font class="sc">Soldier Breaks Window and Bolts with Two + Cakes.</font>"—<i>Daily Paper</i>.</p> + + </blockquote> + <p>You can only do this kind of thing with the refreshment-room + variety.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + + <blockquote> + <p>"For Sceptic Throats use Iodized Throat Tablets."—<i>Local + Paper</i>.</p> + + </blockquote> + <p>This distressing complaint is the very reverse of "clergyman's sore + throat."</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + + <blockquote> + <p>"<font class="sc">Lady</font> wishes to Exchange, from 15th July to + 15th September, Young Englishman for Young Frenchman."—<i>Daily + Paper</i>.</p> + + </blockquote> + <p>We fear she is a flirt.</p> + +<hr /> + +<span class="pagenum"><a name="page8" id="page8"></a>[pg 8]</span> + +<h2>THE KING'S MESSENGER.</h2> + + <p>In Paris Geraldine's mother suggested that, as I was paying a visit to + London, I could bring Geraldine out with me on the return journey. She + also suggested that I might bring out a new hat for her (Geraldine's + mother) at the same time. Though being in love neither with Geraldine's + mother nor with Geraldine's mother's hat I had to take kindly to both, to + further my dark designs with regard to Geraldine.</p> + + <p>In London I inspected the hat, complete in box. It was immediately + obvious that it and I could never make the journey to Paris together. The + sight of me carrying a hat-box at the early hour of 8 <font + class="sc">a.m.</font> on Victoria Station would have put Geraldine off. + Geraldine is very pretty, but she is like that.</p> + + <p>On reflection, the transport of the hat from London to Paris seemed to + me to be a matter eminently suited to the machinery of our Foreign + Office. Though the Foreign Officer is as formidable as a Bishop in his + own cathedral, he is, to those who persist in knowing him personally, a + man much like oneself, fond of his glass of beer, ready to exchange one + good turn for another. It happens that I have assisted the F.O. to make + peace much as I have helped the W.O. to make war. In the sacred precincts + I reminded my friend of this fact, and impressed upon him that the + consolidation of the <i>entente</i> between Geraldine and myself was one + of the most urgent political matters of the day. He was undiplomatic + enough to ask how he could help ...</p> + + <p>I don't want you to lose your awe of Diplomatic Bags, but there have + been occasions when the Secret and Confidential Despatch consists of + little more than a personal note from one strong silent man to another, + touching on such domestic subjects as, say, a relative's hat. It was + eventually, if arduously, arranged that in this instance the despatch + should consist of the hat itself ...</p> + + <p>My fascinating manner of greeting Geraldine on Victoria Station did + not betray the fact that I had seen that arch-villain, George Nesbitt, + installed in our train, looking terribly important. George doesn't want + to marry any girl; every girl therefore wants to marry George. I managed + to hustle Geraldine into our carriage and get her locked in without her + seeing George. But George had seen her, and, not knowing that he doesn't + want to marry any girl and thinking that he wants to marry every girl, he + firmly convinced himself (I have no doubt) that he was passionately in + love with Geraldine as he travelled down to Folkestone in his lonely + splendour.</p> + + <p>On the Channel boat ... but perhaps it is fairer to all parties to + omit that part.</p> + + <p>At Boulogne I became inextricably mixed up with the Customs' people; + Geraldine meanwhile got inevitably associated with George Nesbitt. She + would, of course. Indeed, when at last I scrambled to the Paris train, + with the cord of my pyjamas trailing from my kit-bag, there was Geraldine + installed in George's special carriage, very sympathetically studying + George's passport, wherein all Foreign Powers, great, small and + medium-sized, were invited in red ink to regard George as It.</p> + + <p>George informed me that, being a King's Messenger, he was afraid he + dare not trust me, as a mere member of the public, to travel in the same + carriage as the Diplomatic Bag. I said I must stay with them and keep an + eye on Geraldine. George said that he would do that. In that case, I + said, I would stay and keep an eye on the Diplomatic Bag. Geraldine being + at one end of the carriage and the bag being at the other end George + could not very well keep an eye on both. The possibility of George's eyes + wandering apart when he was off his guard made a fleeting impression on + Geraldine in my favour. I stayed.</p> + + <p>George then set about to make the most of himself. Geraldine abetted. + Geraldine is a terror. I became more determined than ever to marry her, + George and the <font class="sc">King</font> notwithstanding. George + however got going. "For a plain fellow like myself" (he knows how + confoundedly handsome he is) "it has been some little satisfaction to be + selected as a Special Courier."</p> + + <p>I explained the method of selection as I guessed it. "He forced his + way into the F.O. and in an obsequious tone, which you and I, Geraldine, + would be ashamed to adopt, begged for the favour of a bag to carry with + him. If the <font class="sc">King</font> had known about it he would + rather have sent his messages by post."</p> + + <p>"The general public," said George to Geraldine, "is apt to be very + noisy and tiresome on railway journeys, is it not?"</p> + + <p>Geraldine acquiesced. She doesn't often do that, but when she does it + is extremely pleasant for the acquiescee. I pressed on with my + explanation desperately. "I can hear poor old George pleading in a broken + voice that he had to get to Paris and dared not go by himself. So they + listened to his sad story and gave him a bag to see him through, and it + isn't George who is taking the bag to Paris, but the bag which is taking + George." To prevent him arguing I told Geraldine that you can tell a real + K.M. by his Silver Greyhound badge, which he'll show you if you doubt + him, just as you can tell a stockbroker by his pearl tie-pin, which you + can see for yourself. This put George on his mettle.</p> + + <p>"To think that to me are entrusted messages which may alter the map of + Europe and change the history of the world! But I mustn't let my conceit + run away with me, must I?" Positively I believe Geraldine at that began + to play with the idea of doing what George said he mustn't let his + conceit do. Anyhow I had half-an-hour to myself while she listened to the + inner histories of European Courts and flirted with the Bearer of + Despatches. I was left gazing at the bag.</p> + + <p>There was only one bag, but it was very bulky. The contents were a + tight fit; something round, about a yard in diameter, about a foot and a + half in depth.</p> + + <p>"Are you looking after this bag of yours properly, George?" I asked. + "We shall be very angry with you if you go and lose it." Something + indefinable but intensely important in my tone caught Geraldine's + attention.</p> + + <p>"That is between me and the F.O.," said George irritably.</p> + + <p>"When I was talking to them about it—" said I.</p> + + <p>"What have you to do with the Foreign Office?" asked Geraldine.</p> + + <p>"Little enough," I said modestly. "I have my own business to see to. + But the F.O. have always wanted to have something to do with me. So I + gave them the job of looking after your mother's hat. Had I known that + they would send it along by any Tom, Dick or George who happened to drop + in and offer to take the bag—"</p> + + <p>George snatched the bag, examined it hastily and then tried to conceal + it behind his own luggage. But Geraldine knows enough about hats to be + able to spot a hatbox, when put to it, through all the heavy canvas and + all the fancy labels in the world. So there was nothing more to be said + about it; and there was little more to be done about it except for George + to go on doing special messenger with it. The inner histories died down + and, after a brief silence, George affected to go to sleep.</p> + + <p>I only woke him up once and that was to ask whether he cared to look + after the rest of my luggage for me.</p> + + <p>When we got to Paris I explained to George that I had not meant to + hurt his feelings; there was no fellow I would more gladly entrust my odd + jobs to. Indeed Geraldine and I should want him to officiate in a similar + capacity at the coming ceremony.</p> + + <p>A very satisfactory conclusion. I got Geraldine; Geraldine got her + full <span class="pagenum"><a name="page9" id="page9"></a>[pg 9]</span> + deserts—me; and if George had the misfortune to sit on the bag in + the taxi, what matter? Geraldine had acquiesced; after that who cared + what Geraldine's mother did, said, thought or wore?</p> + +<hr /> + + <div class="figcenter" style="width:100%;"> + <a href="images/011.png"><img width="100%" src="images/011.png" + alt="Who's that fat man, Dad?" /></a> + <div class="i16"> + <p><i>Small Boy</i>. "<font class="sc">Who's that fat man, + Dad?</font>"</p> + + <p><i>Dad</i>. "<font class="sc">Don't know. He looks like a + profiteer.</font>"</p> + + <p><i>Small Boy</i>. "<font class="sc">Don't you think he must be one + of the excess profiteers?</font>"</p> + </div> + </div> +<hr /> + + <blockquote> + <p>"Lady Clerk wanted for office work, with an engineering firm, a few + miles out of Leeds; also able to cook and serve a luncheon for the + principals."—<i>Yorkshire Paper.</i></p> + + </blockquote> + <p>If you want a cook nowadays you must employ a little diplomacy.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + + <blockquote> + <p>"During a discussion on over-crowded motor 'buses a member declared + that on one occasion 110 persons were found 'clinging like bees' to a car + certified to hold 0."—<i>Provincial Paper.</i></p> + + </blockquote> + <p>Some of these might have been accommodated in the bonnet.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + + <blockquote> + <p>"In Nepal His Highness shot what is believed to be the record tigress. + She was a most magnificent specimen, with a total length of 9 feet 7 + inches—her body alone measuring 9 feet 5 inches."—<i>Indian + Paper.</i></p> + + </blockquote> + <p>The record, of course, consisted in the brevity of her two-inch + tail.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + + <p>From Smith Minor's Scripture-paper:</p> + + <blockquote> + <p>"Abraham was the man who was very keen to go into the land of Israel + but he did not obey the word of the Lord, and the Lord's punishment to + him was to forbid him to go into this land. There he sat on the heights + of Abraham looking down on this land."</p> + + </blockquote> + <p>And crying "Wolfe, Wolfe!"</p> + +<hr /> + +<h3>GOLDWIRE AND POPPYSEED.</h3> + +<p class="center">(<i>A Chinese Poem.</i>)</p> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p class="i2">I make a bow; and then</p> + <p class="i2">I seize my brush (or pen)</p> + <p>And paint in hues enamel-bright</p> + <p>Scenes of Cathay for your delight.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p class="i2">Two buzzards by a stream,</p> + <p class="i2">So still that they might seem</p> + <p>Part of a carving wrought in bone</p> + <p>To decorate a royal throne.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p class="i2">Two lovers by a mill,</p> + <p class="i2">A picture sweeter still:</p> + <p>Will Chen-ki-Tong in this pursuit</p> + <p>Evade Pa-pa's avenging boot?</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p class="i2">Lotus and mirror-lake</p> + <p class="i2">Æsthetic contact make;</p> + <p>No interfering dragon wags</p> + <p>His tail across their travelling bags.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p class="i2">Blue terraces of jade;</p> + <p class="i2">Sherbet and lemonade</p> + <p>Regale the overloaded guests;</p> + <p>They loose the buttons on their chests.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p class="i2">Birds'-nests and shark-fin soup:</p> + <p class="i2">I join the festive group;</p> + <p>My simple spirit merely begs</p> + <p>A brace of fifteenth-century eggs.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p class="i2">Pa-pa with heavy whip</p> + <p class="i2">Waits near the laden ship.</p> + <p>The cloud that hides the ivory moon</p> + <p>Is singularly opportune.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p class="i2">Clamour of gilded gongs</p> + <p class="i2">And shout of wedding songs.</p> + <p>I do not fail to notice that</p> + <p>The ophicleides are playing flat.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p class="i2">Peacock and palanquin,</p> + <p class="i2">Lacquered without, within.</p> + <p>This is the jasmine-scented bride</p> + <p>Resting her fairy toes inside.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p class="i2">Joss-sticks and incense sweet.</p> + <p class="i2">The perfume of her feet</p> + <p>Creates around her paradise.</p> + <p>I also find it rather nice.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p class="i2">A Chinese tale, you know,</p> + <p class="i2">Works upward from below.</p> + <p>The sense of mine is none the worse</p> + <p>If taken backward, verse by verse.</p> + </div> + </div> + +<hr /> + + <blockquote> + <p>"Frederick ——, 14, was summoned for failing to display a + white front light on a bicycle and pleaded guilty.</p> + + <p>Policewoman —— stated the facts, and was fined + 5s."—<i>Local Paper.</i></p> + + </blockquote> + <p>Most discouraging.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + + <blockquote> + <p>"Florists by the thousand for cutting. They are also nice for borders + round grass-plots, along hedges, round shrubs, etc."—<i>Dutch Bulb + Catalogue</i>.</p> + + </blockquote> + <p>We should not dare to treat a British florist like this.</p> + +<hr /> + +<span class="pagenum"><a name="page10" id="page10"></a>[pg 10]</span> + + <div class="figcenter" style="width:100%;"> + <a href="images/012.png"><img width="100%" src="images/012.png" + alt="Does the ball come to me now?" /></a> + <i>Bright Beginner</i> (<i>as opponent is serving</i>). "<font + class="sc">Does the ball come to me now</font>?" + </div> +<hr /> + +<h2>CHARIVARIA.</h2> + + <p>"The English comedians are great," Mr. <font class="sc">Douglas + Fairbanks</font> is reported to have told an interviewer. He has already + accepted an invitation, we understand, to visit the Law Courts and hear + Mr. Justice <font class="sc">Darling</font> ask, "Who is <font + class="sc">Mary Pickford</font>?"</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + + <p>A turkey with four legs has been born in Purley. This attempt to + divert attention from the visit of Miss <font class="sc">Mary + Pickford</font> seems to have failed miserably.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + + <p>"The increased wages in the catering trade," says an employer, "will + be borne by the public." How he came to think out this novel plan is what + mystifies the man in the street.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + + <p>There is one reason, we read, why tea cannot be sold cheaper. If "The + Profiteer" is not the right answer, it's quite a good guess.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + + <p>No burglar seems to visit the houses of the profiteers, says a Labour + speaker. Perhaps they have a delicacy about dealing with people in the + same line of business.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + + <p>For the seventh successive time, says a news item, there are no + prisoners for trial at Stamford Quarter Sessions. We can only remind the + Court that bulldog perseverance is bound to tell in the end.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + + <p>It is fairly evident that the Americans fully realised the physical + impossibility of having American bacon and Prohibition in their own + country at the same time.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + + <p>Western Texas, says a cable message, is being eaten bare by a plague + of grasshoppers. Before Prohibition set in a little thing like that would + never have been noticed in Texas.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + + <p>Some of the new rich, says a gossip, only wear a suit once. There are + others like that, only it is a much longer once.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + + <p>"A healthy boy's skin should be well tanned after a holiday," says a + health-culture writer. Surely not, unless he has done something to + deserve it.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + + <p>"But why a Ministry of Mines?" asks a contemporary. The object, of + course, is to put the deep-level pocket-searching operations of the <font + class="sc">Chancellor of the Exchequer</font> on a national basis.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + + <p>Special arrangements have been made for expediting fish traffic on all + railways. Meanwhile it is to be regretted that, owing to the nation's + persistent neglect of scientific research, the self-delivering haddock is + still in the experimental stage.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + + <p>New Jersey has a clock with a dial thirty-eight feet across. In any + other country this would be the largest clock in the world. In America it + is just a full-size wrist-watch.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + + <p>According to a medical writer, hearing can often be restored by a + series of low explosions. The patient is advised to stand quite close to + a man who has just received his tailor's bill.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + + <p>Baby tortoises are being sold for two-pence-halfpenny each in Kentish + Town, says a news item. One bricklayer declared that he wouldn't know + what to do for exercise without his to lead about.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + + <p>An extraordinary report reaches us from a village in Essex. It appears + that in spite of the proximity of several letter-boxes, a water-pump and + a German machine-gun, a robin has deliberately built its nest in a local + hedgerow.</p> + +<hr /> + +<span class="pagenum"><a name="page11" id="page11"></a>[pg 11]</span> + + <div class="figcenter" style="width:100%;"> + <a href="images/013.png"><img width="100%" src="images/013.png" + alt="I.O.U." /></a> + <h3>I.O.U.</h3> + + <p><font class="sc">German Delegate</font> (<i>at Spa Conference</i>). + "WE HAVE NO MONEY; BUT, TO PROVE THAT WE ARE ANXIOUS TO PAY YOU BACK, + LET ME PRESENT YOU WITH OUR BERNHARDI'S NEW BOOK ON THE NEXT WAR."</p> + </div> +<hr /> + +<span class="pagenum"><a name="page13" id="page13"></a>[pg 13]</span> + +<h2>ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT.</h2> + + <p><i>Monday, June 28th.</i>—Less than thirty years ago the + prophets of ill foresaw ruin for the British shipping trade if the dock + labourers got their "tanner." The "tanner" has now become a florin, and + this afternoon the Peers passed without a dissentient voice the Second + Reading of a Bill to enable Port and Harbour authorities to pay it.</p> + + <p>They were much more critical over the Increase of Rent Bill, and at + the instance of Lord <font class="sc">Midleton</font> defeated by a two + to one majority the Government's proposal to deprive landlords of the + power to evict strikers in order to provide accommodation for men willing + to work. But the Government got a little of their own back on the clause + authorising an increase of rent on business premises by forty per cent. + Lord <font class="sc">Salisbury</font> wanted seventy-five per cent. and + haughtily refused Lord <font class="sc">Astor's</font> sporting offer of + fifty, but on a division he was beaten by 25 to 23.</p> + + <p>In the Commons Sir <font class="sc">Frederick Hall</font> complained + that slate and slack were still being supplied to London consumers under + the guise and at the price of coal. What was the Government going to do + about it? Mr. <font class="sc">Bridgeman</font> replied that control + having been removed the Government could do nothing, and consumers must + find their own remedy—a reply which drove Sir <font + class="sc">Frederick</font> into such paroxysms of indignation that the + <font class="sc">Speaker</font> was obliged to intervene.</p> + + <p>Mr. <font class="sc">Kiley's</font> gloomy vaticinations as to the + disastrous effect of the Plumage Bill on British commerce met with no + encouragement from Sir <font class="sc">Robert Horne</font>. In his + opinion, I gather, our foreign trade is quite safe, and the Bill will not + knock a feather out of it.</p> + + <p>To Viscount <font class="sc">Curzon's</font> inquiry whether the + Allies were going to proceed with the trial of the <font + class="sc">ex-Kaiser</font> the <font class="sc">Prime Minister</font> at + first replied that he had "nothing to add." On being twitted with his + election-pledge he added a good deal. When he gave that pledge, it seems, + he did not contemplate the possibility that Holland would refuse to + surrender her guest, and he had no intention of using force to compel + her. <font class="sc">William Hohenzollern</font>, he considered, was not + worth any more bloodshed. In that case the Government would save a good + deal of Parliamentary time if they were definitely to write him off with + their other bad debts.</p> + + <p>Among other methods of brightening village life the Ministry of + Agriculture has lately circulated "rules for the mutual insurance of pigs + and cows." The intellectual development of our domestic animals evidently + proceeds apace. We have all heard of the learned pig, but that the cow + also should be deemed capable of conducting actuarial calculations does, + I confess, surprise me.</p> + + <div class="figright" style="width:33%;"> + <a href="images/014-1.png"><img width="100%" src="images/014-1.png" + alt="Who was chief mourner?" /></a> + <div class="i6"> + <p><font class="sc">"Who was chief mourner?"</font></p> + </div> + <div class="i8"> + <p><font class="sc">"I," said the Wren,</font></p> + <p><font class="sc">"I, Wedgwood Benn,</font></p> + </div> + <div class="i6"> + <p><font class="sc">I was chief mourner."</font></p> + </div> + </div> + <p>Having heard the latest feat of the Sinn Feiners in kidnapping a + British General, the House evidently considered that it had better hurry + up with the Government of Ireland Bill. Clauses 51 to 69 were run through + in double-quick time. Only on Clause 70, providing for the repeal of the + Home Rule Act of 1914, did any prolonged debate arise. Captain <font + class="sc">Wedgwood Benn</font> pleasantly described this as the only + clause in the Bill that was not nonsense, and therefore moved its + omission. He was answered by the <font class="sc">Prime Minister</font>, + who declared that no Irishman would now be content with the Act of 1914, + and defended the present Bill on the curious ground that it gave Ireland + as much self-government as Scotland had ever asked for. Sir <font + class="sc">Edward Carson's</font> plea that it was a case of "this Bill + or an Irish Republic" was probably more convincing. In a series of + divisions the "Wee Frees" never mustered more than seventeen votes. The + author of the Act of 1914, Mr. <font class="sc">Asquith</font>, was not + present at the obsequies.</p> + + <p><i>Tuesday, June 29th.</i>—The establishment of a "National + home" for the Jewish race in Palestine aroused the apprehensions of Lord + <font class="sc">Sydenham</font> and other Peers, who feared that the + Moslem inhabitants would be exploited by the Zionists, and would + endeavour to re-establish Turkish rule. Lord <font + class="sc">Curzon</font> did his best to remove these impressions. + Authority in Palestine would be exercised by Great Britain as the + Mandatory Power, and the Zionists would not be masters in their "national + home," but only a sort of "paying guests." The confidence felt in Sir + <font class="sc">Herbert Samuel's</font> absolute impartiality as between + Jews and Arabs was such that a high authority had prophesied that within + six months the High Commissioner <span class="pagenum"><a name="page14" + id="page14"></a>[pg 14]</span> would be equally unpopular with both + races.</p> + + <p>In the Commons Mr. <font class="sc">Baldwin</font> explained that the + Inland Revenue Authorities were taking all possible steps to collect + income-tax in Ireland despite the obstacles placed in their way by the + local authorities. Whereupon Sir <font class="sc">Maurice + Dockrell</font>, in his richest brogue, summarised the Irish situation as + follows: "Is not the difficulty that they do not know which horse to + back?"</p> + + <p>A Bill "to continue temporarily the office of Food Controller" was + read a first time. The House would, I think, be sorry to part with Mr. + <font class="sc">McCurdy</font>, whose replies to Questions are often + much to the point. He was asked this afternoon, for example, to give the + salaries of three of his officials, and this was his crisp reply: "The + Director of Vegetable Supplies serves the Ministry without remuneration; + the post of Deputy-Director of Vegetable Supplies does not exist, and + that of Director of Fish Supplies has lapsed."</p> + + <p>Mr. <font class="sc">Bonar Law</font> shattered two + elaborately-constructed mare's-nests when he announced that the + appointment of a British Ambassador to Berlin was made in pursuance of an + agreement arrived at in Boulogne on the initiative of the French + Government, and that Lord <font class="sc">D'Abernon's</font> name was + suggested by the <font class="sc">Foreign Secretary</font>. I am not + betraying any confidence when I add that it will be no part of Lord <font + class="sc">D'Abernon's</font> new duties to establish a Liquor Control + Board on the Spree.</p> + + <p>The Overseas Trade (Credits and Insurance) Bill was skilfully piloted + through its Second Reading by Mr. <font class="sc">Bridgeman</font>. The + House was much pleased to hear that only nine officials would be required + to administer the twenty-six millions involved, and that their salaries + would not exceed seven thousand pounds a year—although two of them + were messengers.</p> + + <p>But this temporary zeal for economy quickly evaporated when the + Pre-War Pensions Bill made its appearance. Member after Member got up to + urge the extension of the Bill to this or that deserving class, until Sir + <font class="sc">L. Worthington-Evans</font> pointed out that, if their + demands were acceded to, the Bill, instead of costing some two millions a + year, would involve three or four times that amount.</p> + + <p><i>Wednesday, June 30th.</i>—The Lords discussed, in whispers + suitable to the occasion, the Official Secrets Bill. As originally drawn + it provided that any person retaining without lawful authority any + official document should be guilty of a misdemeanour. But, thanks to the + vigilance of Lords <font class="sc">Burnham</font> and <font + class="sc">Riddell</font>, this clause, under which every editor in Fleet + Street might have found himself in Holloway, was appreciably softened. + Even so, the pursuit of "stunts" and "scoops" will be a decidedly + hazardous occupation.</p> + + <p>The Press Lords were again on the alert when the Rents Bill came on, + and objected to a clause giving the <font class="sc">Lord + Chancellor</font> power to order proceedings under the measure to be held + in private. This time the <font class="sc">Lord Chancellor</font> was + less pliant, and plainly suggested that the newspapers were actuated in + this matter by regard for their circulations. Does he really suppose that + the disputes of landlords and tenants will supply such popular "copy" as + to crowd out the confessions of Cabinet Ministers?</p> + + <div class="figright" style="width:50%;"> + <a href="images/014-2.png"><img width="100%" src="images/014-2.png" + alt="HALF MEASURES." /></a> + <p class="center">HALF MEASURES.</p> + + <p><font class="sc">Sir Robert Horne, President of the Board of Trade, + and Sir Eric Geddes, Minister of Transport</font> (<i>speaking + together</i>). "That's a rummy get-up. But perhaps he couldn't afford + anything better."</p> + </div> + <p>Constant cross-examination on the Amritsar affair, involving the + necessity of framing polite replies to thinly-veiled suggestions that + <font class="sc">Montagu</font> rhymes with <font + class="sc">O'Dwyer</font>, is making the <font class="sc">Secretary of + State for India</font> a little restive. The tone in which he expressed + his hope that the promised debate would not be much longer delayed + distinctly suggested that his critics would then be "for it."</p> + + <p>Two days ago the <font class="sc">Minister of Transport</font> + expounded in a White Paper his elaborate plan for redistributing and + co-ordinating the activities of the railway companies—the North + Eastern excepted—and directing them all from an office in + Whitehall. By the Ministry of Mines Bill it is proposed to treat the + mines in much the same way. Sir <font class="sc">Eric Geddes'</font> + scheme has yet to run the gauntlet of Parliamentary criticism. Sir <font + class="sc">Robert Horne's</font> had its baptism of fire this afternoon, + and a pretty hot fire it was. Miners like Mr. <font + class="sc">Brace</font> cursed it because it did not go all the way to + Nationalisation; coal-owners like Sir <font class="sc">Clifford + Cory</font>, because it went too far in that direction. The voice of the + mere consumer, who only wants coal cheap and plentiful, was hardly heard. + The second reading was carried, but by a majority substantially less than + the normal.</p> + + <p><i>Thursday, July 1st.</i>—Unfortunately the House of Lords does + not contain a representative of Sinn Fein and therefore had no + opportunity of learning the opinion of the dominant party in Ireland + regarding Lord <font class="sc">Monteagle's</font> Dominion of Ireland + Bill. Other Irish opinion, as expressed by Lords <font + class="sc">Dunraven</font> and <font class="sc">Killanin</font>, was that + it would probably cause the seething pot to boil over. Lord <font + class="sc">Ashbourne</font> made sundry observations in Erse, one of + which was understood to be that "Ireland could afford to wait." The Peers + generally agreed with him, and, after hearing from the <font + class="sc">Lord Chancellor</font> that of all the Irish proposals he had + studied this contained the most elements of danger, threw out the Bill + without a division.</p> + + <p>"A sinecure, whose holder is in receipt of a salary of five thousand + pounds per annum," was Mr. <font class="sc">Bonar Law's</font> + description of his office as Lord Privy Seal. The House rewarded the + modesty of its hard-working Leader with laughter and cheers. None of his + predecessors has excelled him in courtesy and assiduity; as regards + audibility there is room for improvement. Mr. <font class="sc">Law</font> + rarely plays to the Gallery; but he might more often speak in its + direction.</p> + +<hr /> + + <div class="figcenter" style="width:50%;"> + <a href="images/015.png"><img width="100%" src="images/015.png" + alt="Four bricks over" /></a> + <p>"<font class="sc">There—that's what comes o' arguing along o' + you; I've laid four bricks over me three 'undred!</font>"</p> + </div> +<hr /> + + <blockquote> + <p>"The funniest game in the world is chicket."—<i>Provincial + Paper.</i></p> + + </blockquote> + <p>We should like to hear more of this humorous pastime.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + + <p>A daily paper describes the contest at Henley for the "Silver + Giblets." It is rumoured that the Goose that laid the Golden Eggs has + become a bimetallist.</p> + +<hr /> + +<span class="pagenum"><a name="page15" id="page15"></a>[pg 15]</span> + +<h2>THREE EXCEPTIONAL MEN.</h2> + + <p>"If these men are types, how London has changed!" I said to myself. + But can they be? I fear not; I fear that "exceptional" is the only word + to use. Yet it was very remarkable to meet them all on the same day, + Friday, June 25th.</p> + + <p>The first was on an omnibus. A big man with a grey beard who was alone + on the seat. Several other seats had only one passenger; the + rest—mine among them—were full. At Westminster came up a + youth and a girl who very obviously were lovers. Owing to the disposition + of the seats they had to separate, the girl subsiding into the place + beside the big man immediately in front of me. At first he said nothing, + and then, just as we were passing the scaffolding of the Cenotaph, he did + something which proved him to be very much out of the common, a creature + apart. Reaching across and touching the youth on the shoulder, he said, + "Let me change places with you. I expect you young people would like to + sit together."</p> + + <p>That was exceptional, you will agree. He was right too; the young + people did like to sit together. I could see that. And the more the + omnibus rocked and lurched the more they liked it.</p> + + <p>The second exceptional man was a taxi-driver. I wanted to get to a + certain office before it shut, and there were very few minutes to do it + in. The driver did his best, but we arrived just too late; the door was + locked.</p> + + <p>"That's a bit of hard luck," he said. "But they're all so punctual + closing now. It's the daylight-saving does it. Makes people think of the + open-air more than they used."</p> + + <p>As I finished paying him—no small affair, with all the new + supplements—he resumed.</p> + + <p>"I'm sorry you had the journey for nothing," he said. "It's rough. But + never mind—have something on Comrade for the Grand Prix" (he + pronounced "Prix" to rhyme with "fix") "in France on Sunday. I'm told + it's the goods. Then you won't mind about your bad luck this afternoon. + Don't forget—Comrade to win and one, two, three."</p> + + <p>After this I must revise my opinion of taxi-drivers, which used not to + be very high: especially as Comrade differed from most racehorses of my + acquaintance by coming in first.</p> + + <p>The third man perhaps was more unexpected than exceptional. His + unexpectedness took the form not of benevolence but of culture. He is a + vendor of newspapers. A pleasant old fellow with a smiling weather-beaten + face, grey moustache and a cloth cap, whom I have known for most of the + six years during which he has stood every afternoon except Sundays on the + kerb between a lamp-post and a letter-box at one of London's busiest + corners. I have bought his papers and referred to the weather all that + time, but I never talked with him before. Why, I cannot say; I suppose + because the hour had not struck. On Friday, however, we had a little + conversation, all growing from the circumstance that while he was + counting out change I noticed a fat volume protruding from his coat + pocket and asked him what it was.</p> + + <p>It was his reply that qualified him to be numbered among Friday's + elect. "That book?" he said—"that's <i>Barchester Towers</i>."</p> + + <p>I asked him if he read much.</p> + + <p>He said he loved reading, and particularly stories. <font + class="sc">Marie Corelli</font>, <font class="sc">Ouida</font>, he read + them all; but <font class="sc">Trollope</font> was his favourite. He + liked novels in series; he liked to come on the same people again.</p> + + <p>"But there's another reason," he added, "why I like <font + class="sc">Trollope</font>. You see we were both at the Post Office."</p> + + <p>Some day soon I am going to try him with one of Mr. <font + class="sc">Walkley's</font> criticisms.</p> + +<p class="author">E.V.L.</p> + +<hr /> + + <div class="figcenter" style="width:66%;"> + <a href="images/016.png"><img width="100%" src="images/016.png" + alt="Standing on my foot" /></a> + <div class="i16"> + <p>"<font class="sc">A—ah! D'you k—know you're s— + standing on my foot?"</font></p> + + <p><font class="sc">"Well, wot yer goin' to do abaht it?</font>"</p> + </div> + </div> +<hr /> + + <p>From an article on the Lawn Tennis Championship, purporting to be + written by Mlle. <font class="sc">Suzanne Lenglen</font>:—</p> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>"Quelle journées ils était!"</p> + <p>"Mon dieu, comme était beau!"</p> + <p>"C'est le partie le plus disputé."</p> + <p><i>Sunday Paper.</i></p> + </div> + </div> + + <p>We can only hope that the Entente is now strong enough to survive even + these shocks.</p> + +<hr /> + +<span class="pagenum"><a name="page16" id="page16"></a>[pg 16]</span> + + <div class="figcenter" style="width:100%;"> + <a href="images/017.png"><img width="100%" src="images/017.png" + alt="IT'S ALL IN THE GAME." /></a> + <h3>IT'S ALL IN THE GAME.</h3> + </div> +<span class="pagenum"><a name="page17" id="page17"></a>[pg 17]</span> + + <div class="figcenter" style="width:100%;"> + <a href="images/018.png"><img width="100%" src="images/018.png" + alt="IT'S ALL IN THE GAME." /></a> + <h3>IT'S ALL IN THE GAME.</h3> + </div> +<hr /> + +<span class="pagenum"><a name="page18" id="page18"></a>[pg 18]</span> + +<h2>PRISCILLA PAINTS.</h2> + + <p>"There was a lot of men in the boat," said Priscilla from behind the + table, where she sat daubing with little energetic grunts.</p> + + <p>"Oh, there were, were there?" I answered from behind <i>The + Times</i>.</p> + + <p>Confident of arousing my enthusiasm in the end, she continued to issue + tantalising bulletins about the progress of the great work.</p> + + <p>"It was an all-colour boat," she told me, "purple and yellow and + green."</p> + + <p>"A very nice kind of boat too," I agreed.</p> + + <p>"And the biggest man of all hadn't got <i>any</i> body at all."</p> + + <p>I suggested weakly that perhaps the biggest man of all had left his + body behind on the table at home. The suggestion was scorned.</p> + + <p>"No, he hadn't never had any body at all, <i>this</i> man," she + replied. And then, as my interest seemed to be flagging again, "They all + had <i>very</i> rosy faces; and do you know why they had?"</p> + + <p>"I don't, I'm sure."</p> + + <p>"Because they'd eaten up all their greens."</p> + + <p>Vanquished at last, I went over to visit the eupeptic voyagers. Seven + in all, they stood in their bright boat on a blue sea beneath a round and + burning sun. Their legs were long and thin, their bodies globular (all + save one), and their faces large. They were dressed apparently in light + pink doublets and hose, and on his head each wore a huge purple turban + the shape of a cottage loaf, surmounted by a ragged plume. They varied + greatly in stature, but their countenances were all fixed in the same + unmeaning stare. Take it all in all, it was an eerie and terrible + scene.</p> + + <p>"I don't quite see how the boat moves along, Priscilla," I said; "it + hasn't any oars or sail."</p> + + <p>It was a tactless remark and the artist made no reply. I did my best + to cover my blunder.</p> + + <p>"I expect the wind blew very hard on their feathers," I said, "and + that drove them along."</p> + + <p>"What colour is the wind?" inquired Priscilla.</p> + + <p>She had me there. I confessed that I did not know.</p> + + <p>"It was a brown wind," she decided, impatient at my lack of resource, + and slapped a wet typhoon of madder on the page. There was no more doubt + about the wind.</p> + + <p>"And is the picture finished now?" I asked her.</p> + + <p>"No, it isn't finished. I haven't drawn the pookin yet."</p> + + <p>The pookin is a confusion in the mind of Priscilla between a pelican + and a toucan, because she saw them both for the first time on the same + day. In this case it consisted of an indigo splodge and a long red bar + cutting right through the brown wind and penetrating deeply into the + yellow sun.</p> + + <p>"It had a <i>very</i> long beak," observed Priscilla.</p> + + <p>"It had," I agreed.</p> + + <p>I am no stickler for commonplace colours or conventional shapes in a + work of art, but I do like things to be recognisable; to know, for + instance, when a thing is meant to be a man and when it is meant to be a + boat, and when it is meant to be a pookin and when it is meant to be a + sun. The art of Priscilla seems to me to satisfy this test much better + than that of many of our modern <i>maestri</i>. Strictly representational + it may not be, but there are none of your whorls and cylinders and angles + and what nots.</p> + + <p>But I also insist that a work of art should appeal to the imagination + as well as to the eye, and there seemed to me details about this picture + that needed clearing up.</p> + + <p>"Where were these men going to, Priscilla?" I asked.</p> + + <p>"They was going to Wurvin," she answered in the tone of a mother who + instructs her child. "And what do you think they was going to do + there?"</p> + + <p>"I don't know."</p> + + <p>"They was going to see Auntie Isabel."</p> + + <p>"And what did they do then?"</p> + + <p>"They had dinner," she cried enthusiastically. "And do you know what + they did after dinner?"</p> + + <p>"I don't."</p> + + <p>"They went on the Front to see the fire-escape."</p> + + <p>It seemed to me now that the conception was mellow, rounded and + complete. It had all the haunting mystery and romance of the sea about + it. It was reminiscent of the <i>Ancient Mariner</i>. It savoured of the + books of Mr. <font class="sc">Conrad</font>. It reminded me not a little + of those strange visitations which come to quiet watering-places in the + novels of Mr. <font class="sc">H.G. Wells</font>. When I thought of those + seven men—one, alas, disembodied—so strangely attired yet so + careful of elementary hygiene, driven by that fierce typhoon, with that + bird of portent in the skies, arriving suddenly with the salt of their + Odyssey upon their brows at the beach of the genteel and respectable + Sussex town, and visiting a perhaps slightly perturbed Auntie Isabel, and + afterwards the fire-escape, I felt that here was the glimpse of the wild + exotic adventure for which the hearts of all of us yearn. It left the + cinema standing. It beat the magazine story to a frazzle.</p> + + <p>"And who is the picture for, Priscilla?" I asked, when I had + thoroughly steeped myself in the atmosphere.</p> + + <p>"It's for you," she said, presenting it with a motley-coloured hand; + "it's for you to take to London town and not to drop it."</p> + + <p>I was careful to do as I was told, because I have a friend who paints + Expressionist pictures, and I wished to deliver it at his studio. It + seems to me that Priscilla, half-unconsciously perhaps, is founding a new + school of art which demands serious study. One might call it, I think, + the Pookin School.</p> + +<p class="author"><font class="sc">Evoe.</font></p> + +<hr /> + +<h3>WHEN CHARL. COMES OVER.</h3> + + <p>It is said that Mr. <font class="sc">Charles Chaplin</font>, a + prominent citizen of Los Angeles, Cal., has employed the greater part of + the last few days in mopping his brow, sighing with relief and exclaiming + "Gee!"</p> + + <p>Mr. <font class="sc">Chaplin</font> declares that missing the boat for + England recently was the narrowest escape from death he has ever enjoyed. + But for having been thus providentially prevented from visiting his + native land in the company of Miss <font class="sc">Mary Pickford</font> + and Mr. <font class="sc">Douglas Fairbanks</font> (better known as "<font + class="sc">Mary</font>" and "<font class="sc">Doug.</font>" respectively) + he would have come back to the dear homeland all unprepared for what + would surely have happened to him no less than it happened to his + illustrious colleagues in the film world.</p> + + <p>Since his promised visit to our shores cannot long be delayed, he has + already begun elaborate preparations for travelling in safety. He is + growing a large beard and is learning to walk with his toes turned in. A + number of his teeth will be blackened out during the whole of his + European tour, and his hair will be kept well-ironed and cropped + short.</p> + + <p>He has engaged a complete staff of plain-clothes pugilists to travel + with him everywhere and to stand on guard outside his bathroom door. They + will also surround him during meal-times to prevent admirers from + grabbing his food to hand down to their children as heirlooms.</p> + + <p>He is being measured for a complete outfit of holeproof clothing, and + his motor will be a Ford of seventeen thicknesses, with armoured steel + windows, and fitted with first-aid accessories, including liniment, + restoratives and raw steak. His entourage will include a day doctor, a + night doctor, a leading New York surgeon and a squad of + stretcher-bearers.</p> + + <p>It has been suggested to him that a further precaution would be not to + advise the Press of the date of his arrival; but that he considers would + be carrying his safety-first measures to a foolish extreme.</p> + +<hr /> + +<span class="pagenum"><a name="page19" id="page19"></a>[pg 19]</span> + + <div class="figcenter" style="width:100%;"> + <a href="images/020.png"><img width="100%" src="images/020.png" + alt="STOP-PRESS NEWS." /></a> + <div class="i16"> + <h3>STOP-PRESS NEWS.</h3> + + <p><i>Observant Visitor.</i> "<font class="sc">I say—excuse me, + but your hat is knocked in.</font>"</p> + + <p><i>Farm Hand.</i> "<font class="sc">Whoi, I've knowed that for the + last seven year.</font>"</p> + </div> + </div> +<hr /> + +<h3>A TRAGEDY OF REACTION.</h3> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>It was a super-poet of the neo-Georgian kind</p> + <p>Whose fantasies transcended the simple bourgeois mind,</p> + <p>And by their frank transgression of all the ancient rules</p> + <p>Were not exactly suited for use in infant schools.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>But, holding that no rebel should shrink from fratricide,</p> + <p>His gifted brother-Georgians he suddenly defied,</p> + <p>And in a manifesto extremely clear and terse</p> + <p>Announced his firm intention of giving up free verse.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>The range of his reaction may readily be guessed</p> + <p>When I mention that for Browning his devotion he confessed,</p> + <p>Enthroned above the <font class="sc">Sitwells</font> the artless Muse of "<font class="sc">Bab</font>,"</p> + <p>And said that <font class="sc">Marinetti</font> was not as good as <font class="sc">Crabbe</font>.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>At first the manifesto was treated as a joke,</p> + <p>A boyish ebullition that soon would end in smoke;</p> + <p>But when he took to writing in strict and fluent rhyme</p> + <p>His family decided to extirpate the crime.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Two scientific doctors declared he was insane,</p> + <p>But likely under treatment his reason to regain;</p> + <p>So he's now in an asylum, where he listens at his meals</p> + <p>To a gramophone recital of the choicest bits from <i>Wheels</i>.</p> + </div> + </div> + +<hr /> + +<h4>The Return to Woad.</h4> + + <blockquote> + <p>"The bride's mother was handsomely attired in heliotrope + stain."—<i>Canadian Paper.</i></p> + + </blockquote> +<hr /> + +<h2>OUR BOOKING-OFFICE.</h2> + +<p class="center">(<i>By Mr. Punch's Staff of Learned Clerks.</i>)</p> + + <p>Whatever else may be said about Mr. <font class="sc">Arthur + Compton-Rickett</font> as a novelist, it can at least be urged for him + that he displays no undue apprehension of the too-facile laugh. For + example, the humorous possibilities (or perils) in the plot of <i>The + Shadow of Stephen Wade</i> (<font class="sc">Jenkins</font>) might well + have daunted a writer of more experience. <i>Stephen Wade</i> was an + ancestor, dead some considerable time before the story opens, + and—to quote the old jest—there was no complaint about a + circumstance with which everybody was well satisfied. The real worry over + <i>Stephen</i> was twofold: first, that in life he had been rightly + suspected of being rather more than a bit of a rip, and secondly that his + grandson, <i>Philip</i>, the hero of the story, had what seemed to him + good cause for believing that <i>Stephen's</i> more regrettable + tendencies were being repeated in himself. Here, of course, is a theme + capable of infinite varieties of development; the tragedies of heredity + have kept novelists and dramatists busy since fiction began. The trouble + is that, all unconsciously, Mr. <font class="sc">Compton-Rickett</font> + has given to his hero's struggles a fatally humorous turn. + <i>Philip's</i> initial mistake appeared to be the supposition that + safety could be secured by flight. But it has been remarked before now + that Cupid is winged and doth range. <i>Philip</i> dashed into the depths + of Devonshire, only to discover that even there farmers have pretty + daughters; seeking refuge in the slums he found that the exchange was one + from the frying-pan to the fire. In short, <span class="pagenum"><a + name="page20" id="page20"></a>[pg 20]</span> there was no peace for him, + till the destined heroine.... Well, you can now see whether you are + likely to be amused, edified, or bored by a well-meaning story, told (I + should add) with a rather devastating solemnity of style.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + + <p>M. <font class="sc">Henri Domelier</font>, the author of <i>Behind the + Scenes at German Headquarters</i> (<font class="sc">Hurst and + Blackett</font>), must also be accounted among the prophets, for he + foretold the invasion of Belgium. Before the War he edited a newspaper in + Charleville, and when the Ardennes had been "inundated by the enemy + hordes" and the local authorities had withdrawn to Rethel, he stayed in + Charleville and acted as Secretary to the Municipal Commission. This + organisation was recognised by the Germans, but to be secretary of it was + still a dangerous post, and M. <font class="sc">Maurice Barrès</font> in + eloquent preface tells us of some of the sufferings that M. <font + class="sc">Domelier</font> had to endure while trying to carry out his + difficult duties. The French who remained in Charleville had more than + ample opportunities of seeing both the <font class="sc">ex-Kaiser</font> + and his eldest son, and M. <font class="sc">Domelier</font> writes of + them with a pen dipped in gall. No book that I have read puts before one + more poignantly the miseries which the inhabitants of invaded France had + to bear during "the great agony." For the most part they bore them with a + courage beyond all praise; but some few, giving way under stress of + physical suffering or moral temptation, forgot their nationality; and + these M. <font class="sc">Domelier</font> makes no pretence to spare. I + think that even those of us who have definitely made up our minds + regarding the Hun and want to read no more about him will welcome this + book. For if it is primarily an indictment of Germans and German methods, + it is hardly less a tribute to those who held firm through all their + misery and never gave up hope during the darkest days.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + + <p>I have before now met (in books) heroes who wore dungaree and had as + setting an engineer-shop or a foundry, but never one who equalled <i>Jim + Robinson</i> (<font class="sc">Hutchinson</font>) in the strictness of + his attention to business. <i>Jim</i> is the managing director of + <i>Cupreouscine, Limited</i>, a firm which deals in a wonderful copper + alloy which he himself has invented, and the book tells the story of his + long and losing fight against the other directors, who are all in favour + of amalgamation with another and much larger concern. Sketched in so few + words the book's subject sounds unattractive, but Miss <font + class="sc">Una L. Silberrad</font> has a genius for making "shop" as + interesting in her novels as it usually is in real life, and <i>Jim's</i> + plans and enterprises and the circuitous ways of the other directors + provide material for quite an exciting story. When I say "other + directors," <i>Mary Gore</i>, representing a brother on the board of + <i>Cupreouscine</i> and backing <i>Jim</i> through thick and thin to the + limit of her powers, must be excepted. In spite of her gracious reserve + and self-possession, it is plain that <i>Mary</i> loves the busy managing + director; but <i>Jim's</i> feelings are more difficult to fathom. In fact + he is so long in mentioning his passion that it is quite a relief when, + on the last page but one, what publishers call the "love interest" + suddenly strengthens and their engagement is announced, very suitably and + to her entire satisfaction, to the charwoman at the foundry.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + + <p><i>Open the Door</i> won the two hundred and fifty pounds prize + offered by Messrs. <font class="sc">Melrose</font>, and without troubling + to inquire into the merits of its rivals I wholeheartedly commend the + award. For some curious reason its length (one hundred and eighty + thousand words—no less) is insisted upon by the publishers, but as + a matter of fact Miss <font class="sc">Catherine Carswell's</font> novel + would have been even more remarkable if it had been of a less generous + bulk. Her style is beyond reproach and she has nothing whatever to learn + in the mysteries of a woman's heart. The principal scenes are placed in + Glasgow, and the <i>Bannermann</i> family are laid stark before us. + <i>Mrs. Bannermann</i> was so intent on the next world that for all + practical purposes she was useless in this. Having been left a widow with + two sons and two daughters, she was incapable of managing the easiest of + them, let alone such an emotional complexity as <i>Joanna</i>. It is upon + <i>Joanna</i> that Miss <font class="sc">Carswell</font> has concentrated + her forces; but she is not less happy in her analysis of the many lovers + who fell into the net of this seductive young woman. Indeed I have not + for many a day read a novel of which the psychology seemed to me to be so + thoroughly sound.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + + <p>I hope "Miss <font class="sc">M.E. Francis</font>" will take it as a + compliment when I say that <i>Beck of Beckford</i> (<font + class="sc">Allen and Unwin</font>) should form part of the holiday + equipment of all of us whose brows are not too exalted to enjoy it. In + her unostentatious way Miss <font class="sc">Francis</font> knows how to + provide ample entertainment, and she has nothing to learn in point of + form. When we are introduced to the <i>Becks</i> they are proud and poor, + having impoverished themselves in the process of removing a blot from + their escutcheon. <i>Sir John</i> is a working farmer, and <i>Lady + Beck</i> does menial duties with an energy that most servants of to-day + would not care to imitate. The apple of their old eyes is their grandson, + <i>Roger</i>, and the story turns on his struggle between pride and love. + No true Franciscan need be told that he comes through his struggle, with + flying colours. So quietly and easily does the tale run that one is apt + to overlook the art with which it is told. But the art is there all the + time.</p> + +<hr /> + + <div class="figcenter" style="width:50%;"> + <a href="images/021.png"><img width="100%" src="images/021.png" + alt="Ain't it astonishin', Willium?" /></a> + <p><i>Countrywoman</i> (<i>her first glimpse of the sea</i>). "<font + class="sc">Ain't it astonishin', Willium? Who'd 'ave thought theer + could be as much water as that?</font>"</p> + + <p><i>Willium.</i> "<font class="sc">Yes; an' remember, Maria, ye only + see what's on top.</font>"</p> + </div> +<hr /> + + <blockquote> + <p>"You can greet an acquaintance while you are cycling by smiling and + nodding your head or by waving. Which you do depends on the depth of your + acquaintanceship."—<i>Home Notes.</i></p> + + </blockquote> + <p>And not, as you might think, on your proficiency as a cyclist.</p> + + + + + + + + +<pre> + + + + + +End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. +159, July 7th, 1920, by Various + +*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH *** + +***** This file should be named 16684-h.htm or 16684-h.zip ***** +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: + https://www.gutenberg.org/1/6/6/8/16684/ + +Produced by Jonathan Ingram, Keith Edkins and the Online +Distributed Proofreading Team at https://www.pgdp.net + + +Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions +will be renamed. + +Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no +one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation +(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without +permission and without paying copyright royalties. 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