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diff --git a/16680.txt b/16680.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..55afe5e --- /dev/null +++ b/16680.txt @@ -0,0 +1,1894 @@ +The Project Gutenberg EBook of The Onlooker, Volume 1, Part 2, by Various + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: The Onlooker, Volume 1, Part 2 + +Author: Various + +Editor: Alfred Henry Lewis + +Release Date: September 11, 2005 [EBook #16680] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ASCII + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK THE ONLOOKER, VOLUME 1, PART 2 *** + + + +Produced by Bill Tozier, Barbara Tozier, Diane Monico, and the Online +Distributed Proofreading Team at https://www.pgdp.net + + + + + +=The +Onlooker= + +Alfred Henry Lewis +Editor + +Vol. I +NEW YORK, MAY 28, 1902 +Part 2 + +[Illustration] + + "Sir Oliver, we live in a dammed wicked world, and the fewer + we praise the better." + + --Sir Peter Teazle. + +FIVE CENTS +ONCE A WEEK + + + + +=The Onlooker= + + + + +The Onlooker + +Subscription: One Dollar a Year +Price: Five Cents + + +CONTENTS + + +THE CASUAL CLUB + + Tammany and Its Missing Funds--Mr. + Nixon and his Failure--Mr. Carroll's + Troubles with Mr. Croker--The Latter + Gone for Good + +POETRY + +AS YOU LIKE IT Fielders + + Who Loves a Lord?--Killing for + Futurity--Mistake in Vocation--Foreign + Devils Again--Heaven or Hell--Adam + a Myth--Hurrah for Noah--Callow + Judgment--Champagne and "Champagne" + +THE PLAY Jaques + +LADY BETTY'S COMMENT Betty Stair + +DRIFT OF THE DAY Skirving + +THAT SMUGGLED SILK By the Old Lobbyist + + +Copyrighted by The Observer Publishing Co., 1902 + +The Observer Publishing Company +Mercantile Library Building +Astor Place, New York City + + + + +=The Onlooker= + +Vol. I MAY 28, 1902 Part 2 + + + + +=The Casual Club= + + +On last Thursday evening the Casual Club was gathered about a corner +table in Sherry's. The great room was beautiful, the music brilliant, +the setting and table appointments magnificent, and the dinner all +that might be asked. There came but one thing to grieve the tempers of +our members--the service was slip-shod, inattentive, vile. One wonders +that so splendid an arrangement should be left unguarded in the most +important particular of service; that Sherry, when he has done so +much, should permit himself to be foiled of a last result by an idle +carelessness of waiters, who if they do not forget one's orders +outright, execute them with all imaginable sloth. They attend on +guests as though the latter were pensioners, and are listless in +everything save a collection of the gratuity, personal to themselves, +which their avarice and a public's weakness have educated them to +expect. + + * * * * * + +Clams had occurred, and while we were discussing these small +sea-monsters, Fatfloat broke suddenly forth. "I don't know if it be a +subject for self-gratulation or no, but I observed that the daily +papers took quick note of my statement that Tammany Hall was looted of +its last shilling. For the guidance of these energetic folk of ink and +types, I will unfold a further huddle of details. Instead of nine +hundred thousand dollars, there were more than one million collected +for the Tammany campaign. No one can show where so much as two hundred +thousand dollars were honestly disbursed. Let me tell a story; it may +suggest an idea to our diligent friends of the Dailies. There is a +rotund, porpoise-shaped globular gentleman known of these parts as +'Bim the Button Man.' This personage went into the printing business +at the beginning of the late campaign and went out of it--like blowing +out a candle--at the close. Bim the Button Man, for his brief parade +as a printer, took a partner. Or perhaps the partner took Mr. Bim. The +partner was and is a doughty 'leader.' It was the new-made firm of +'Bim' that flourished in the production of those posters and +lithographs of Mr. Shepard which for so long disfigured the town. Mr. +Mitchell, printer, complained bitterly over this invasion of his +rights by Mr. Bim. The latter snapped pudgy fingers at the querulous +Mr. Mitchell by virtue of his powerful partner. Who was Mr. Bim's +partner? One year before when Mr. Mitchell's bill was seven thousand +dollars, Mr. Croker, being in a frugal mood, felt excessively pained. +Why then should it mount last autumn to three hundred thousand dollars +and excite neither grief nor reproach? And what was got for those +three hundred thousand dollars? When a show leaves New York, it +carries posters wherewith to embellish each fence and bill board in +the land; and yet no show ever paid more than ten thousand dollars for +paper. Five thousand dollars will cover every possible coign of +bill-sticking advantage and hang, besides, a lithograph of Mr. Shepard +in every window in the city of New York. Then wherefore those three +hundred thousand dollars of Tammany? There be folk on the finance +committee who should go into this business with a lantern. The most +hopeful name of these is Mr. McDonald, our great subway contractor +and partner of Mr. August Belmont; he is a member of that committee. +He is, too, a gentleman of intelligence, business habits and high +worth. Mr. McDonald of the subway, for his own credit and that of Mr. +Belmont, his partner, should never sleep until he turned out the +bottom facts of that Tammany treasure which has disappeared. Nor +should a common interest with Mr. Croker and certain of that +gentleman's retainers in the Port Chester railway deter him. Is there +no honest man in Athens?" + + * * * * * + +It was at the close of the repast and when cigars were smokily going +that Vacuum returned to the subject of Tammany Hall. + +"Let me congratulate you, my dear Enfield," observed Vacuum +courteously, "on your genius for prophecy. At our last meeting, you +foretold the near overthrow of Mr. Nixon and the Croker regime. The +papers inform me that all came to pass within the two days following +your warning." + +"Yes," said Lemon sarcastically, taking the words from Enfield, "we +have been visited with that fell calamity, the collapse of Mr. Croker +and his rule. We have seen the black last of him, and the very name +of Croker already begins to be a memory. But why should one repine?" +Lemon's sneer was deepening. "In every age the other great have come +and ruled and gone to that oblivion beyond. They arose to fall and be +forgot. It is the law. Then why not Mr. Croker? True, even while we +consent, there comes that natural sadness which I now observe to +sparkle so brightly in every present eye. What then? We console +ourselves as did Chief Justice Crewe full two centuries and a half ago +when the decadence of De Vere claimed consideration. 'I have labored,' +quoth Crewe, who if that be possible was more moved over the waning of +De Vere than am I concerning the passing of Mr. Croker, 'I have +labored to make a covenant with myself that affection may not press +upon judgment; for I suppose there is no man that hath any +apprehension of gentry or nobleness but his affection stands to the +continuance of a house so illustrious and would take hold on a twig or +a twinethread to support it. And yet Time hath his revolutions; there +must be a period and an end to all temporal things--finis rerum--an +end of names and dignities and whatsoever is terrene; and why not of +De Vere? For where is Bohun? where is Mowbray? where is Mortimer? +nay, which is more and most of all, where is Plantagenet? They are +entombed in the urns and sepulchres of mortality!' And, as it was of +that ancient day of Crewe and the De Vere so must it be of us and Mr. +Croker. He goes; we stay; and so let us drink to all." Here Lemon +filled his glass, and the rest having amiably followed his example, +offered with a wicked twinkle, "The disappearance of Mr. Croker!" + + * * * * * + +"What I regret in the business," remarked Fatfloat as he put down his +glass, "is the ill fortune of Mr. Nixon. There is much of good honesty +about that gentleman; he is high-minded and proud; I cannot but +sympathize with him in his present plight." + +"And yet," observed Enfield, mildly, "Mr. Nixon should have avoided +that trap of an empty leadership. Mr. Nixon is no stripling; he knew +Tammany and those elements of mendacity and muddy intrigue which are +called its 'control'; he knew Mr. Croker, who in these last days was +faithful to no promise and loyal to no man. Why did he permit himself +to be flattered, cozened and destroyed? Why? He added inexperience to +vanity and betrayed himself. It was the old story--the conference of +that leadership on Mr. Nixon--the old story of the Wolf and Little Red +Riding Hood, with Mr. Croker as Wolf and Mr. Nixon the innocent who +was eaten up. No, no; he might have better guided himself. Mr. +Nixon--were all about the friendliest--was still unfit for the place. +It was like putting a horse in a tree-top; it gave the horse no grace +nor glory and offered a sole assurance of his finally falling out." + + * * * * * + +"Isn't Mr. Nixon himself an honest man?" asked Van Addle. + +"Were it to be merely a question of honesty," replied Enfield, "Mr. +Nixon would make perfect answer. Broadly, he is an honest man. But +that, politically, is all. And there be enterprises, such as Tammany +Hall and the Stock Market, wherein to be merely honest is not a +complete equipment. Moreover, in this business of his so-called +'leadership,' Mr. Nixon might have carried himself with a more +sensitive integrity and been bettered vastly thereby. You will recall +that when Mr. Nixon performed as chairman of the Tammany anti-vice +committee, he discovered in its entire membership that combine of +blackmail and extortion which, standing at the head of Tammany and +doing its foul work through the police, fostered crime in the +community for a round return of four millions a year. Mr. Nixon called +these evil folk by name and pointed to them. He could still relate +that roll and never miss an individual. And if he did not put actual +hand on the sly presiding genius, I warrant you he might, were he so +inclined, indite a letter to him and get the address right." + +"And the postage would be five cents," interjected Lemon. + +"With this knowledge," continued Enfield without heeding Lemon's +interruption, "and with his record as a foe of corruption, Mr. Nixon, +had he been wise as a captain, or true to himself as a man, would have +called about him the cleaner elements. He would have reminded them of +the people's verdict of November and told them plainly that the rogues +must go. He should have been loyal to himself. He should have made the +issue against the corruptionists; he should have waged prompt and +bitter war, and either destroyed them or died like a soldier high up +on the ramparts. Mr. Nixon would have then become a martyr or a hero; +and between the two there after all goes flowing no mighty +difference. A martyr is a hero who failed; a hero is a martyr who +succeeded; both gain the veneration of a people, and die or live +secure of self-respect. Mr. Nixon should have uplifted the standards +of a new crusade against that handful of great robbers who, making +Tammany their stronghold, issued forth to a rapine of the town. Nor, +had he done so, would he have fallen in the battle. As I have already +said, nineteen of every Tammany twenty would have come round him for +that fight. He would have conquered a true leadership and advanced a +public interest while upbuilding his party. Mr. Nixon, however, failed +tamely in the very arms of opportunity. He kept to the same ignoble +counsel that had so wrought disrepute for Mr. Croker. And, afar from +thoughts of assailing those who had dragged Tammany Hall through mire +to achieve their villain ends, he went openly into their districts, +commended them to the voters, hailed them as his friends and urged +their retention in the executive board. Is it marvel, then, that Mr. +Nixon as a 'leader' took no root? or that by the earliest gust of +opposition he was overblown? It could not have come otherwise; he +fairly threw himself beneath the wheels of Fate." + +"As to the future of Tammany Hall," said Vacuum, "will Mr. Croker +make further effort to dominate it and send it orders from abroad?" + +"Undoubtedly," returned Enfield, to whom the query was put, "Mr. +Croker will strive in all ways to prolong himself. It is with him both +a matter of money and a matter of pride. But he will fail; his whilom +follower, Mr. Carroll, is too powerful. Mr. Carroll is in possession +and will yield only to Mr. Martin,--that inveterate foe of Mr. +Croker." + +"Do you know why Mr. Croker attacked Mr. Carroll just before he left?" +asked Vacuum "and ordered his destruction? One morning, he was taken +by Mr. Fox to view Mr. Carroll's building operations near Fifth Avenue +in Fifty-seventh Street. Mr. Fox called attention to the grandeur of +Mr. Carroll's plans. The workmen were tearing down a house to make +room for Mr. Carroll's coming palace. Mr. Croker gazed for full ten +minutes in wordless, moody gloom. Then turning to the sympathetic Mr. +Fox he broke forth: 'What do you think of that? He's tearing down a +better house than mine!' From that moment Mr. Croker went about the +tearing down of Mr. Carroll." + +"I had not supposed him so small," said Fatfloat, "as to feel piqued +because Mr. Carroll would build a better house than his own." + +"He didn't feel piqued," said Lemon; "he felt plundered, and doubtless +asked a question concerning Mr. Carroll that has been so often asked +about himself." + + * * * * * + +"And yet," observed Van Addle, appealing to Enfield, "I should love +prodigiously to hear your views on the situation in Tammany as it +stands. I confess both an ignorance and a curiosity for light." + +"And I am sure, my dear Van Addle," returned Enfield, "you are +heartily welcome to aught I may know or believe on the subject. A +great noble of Rome observed that to direct a wanderer aright was like +lighting another man's candle with one's own; it assisted the fortunes +of the beneficiary without subtracting from the estate of the +Samaritan. For myself, I need neither the Roman argument nor the Roman +example to create within me a benevolent willingness to hang a lantern +in the tower of truth for the guidance of any gentleman now groping as +to the actual status of Mr. Croker with Tammany Hall. + +"It requires no word to those initiate to convince them that Mr. +Croker no longer sits on the throne, and that his potentialities are +forever departed away. For myself, grown too indolent for an interest +in aught beyond the sentimentalities of politics, I sorrow that this +is so. Indifference is ever conservative and hesitates at change; and, +speaking for what is within myself and not at all perhaps for that +which is best for the public, I would have preferred a continuation of +the Croker dynasty. As it is, good sooth! Mr. Croker is destroyed. And +your ruin, of whatever character, the resort of owls, the habitat of +bats, and all across it flung the melancholy ivy--that verdant banner +of victorious decay!--is, at its loveliest, but a spectacle of +depression; and one who has witnessed Mr. Croker in his vigor must be +at least dimly affected as he beholds him take his sad and passive +place with those who were. Mr. Croker is not to be blamed as the +architect of his overthrow. With what lights that shone, his conduct +was prudent enough; and his dethronement is to be charged to +destiny--to kismet, rather than to any gate-opening carelessness on +the purblind part of himself. 'Prudentia fato major,' said the +Florentine. But the Medici was wrong, and before Death bandaged his +eyes for eternity it was given him to see that Destiny, for all his +caution and for all his craft, had fed his hopes to defeat. And yet, +while Mr. Croker may not be charged as the reason of his own removal, +some consideration of causes that incited it should have a merit and +an interest. It is one vessel crashing on a reef that points a danger, +and makes for the safety of every ship that follows, and the story of +a wrecked and drowned dictatorship cannot fail to instruct ambition in +whatever field. + +"Following the last presidential campaign, Mr. Croker sailed +Englandward to repose himself from his labors. For ten months did he +rest, recuperate, restrengthen and restore himself. And when he +departed, albeit he may have had no suspicion of that fact, Mr. Croker +left his chieftaincy behind. That was to happen in the nature of +things, and Mr. Croker would have foreseen it had he been a true +scientist of supremacy. Remember it, all ye kings and princes and +potentates among men! a crown will never travel, a scepter cannot +leave the realm, and there are no wheels on a throne. Mr. Croker was +not aware of these cardinal truths of kingcraft when he sailed away; +the knowledge became his at a time too late to have a value beyond the +speculative. Mr. Croker left the garments of his leadership behind him +and eighteen of the 'leaders' appropriated them with a plot. They +caught their chief in bathing and they stole his clothes. + +"Mr. Croker was home ten days before he missed his leadership, and +even then he was made aware of its spoliation only by beholding it in +the hands of the cabal. Mr. Croker meant Mr. Nixon for the mayoralty; +but the plotting eighteen, intriguing with Brooklyn blocked the way +with Mr. Coler. The coalition was too strong for Mr. Croker to force, +and the logic of that same word pressed to a conflict meant his +destruction in the city convention. + +"'When the lion's skin is too short,' said Lysander, 'we piece it out +with the fox's,' and while the Greeks thought this sentiment +unbecoming a descendant of Hercules, they were fain to acquiesce in +its practice when met by a peril too strong for their spears. Mr. +Croker remembered Lysander; and, being thus hedged and hemmed about, +sought safety by nominating Mr. Shepard. There need be no mistake; Mr. +Shepard was not a candidate, he was a refuge. And such a refuge as is +Scylla when one is threatened of Charybdis. + +"When Mr. Croker seized on Mr. Shepard, he defeated the Coler plot, +but made no safety for his leadership. He succeeded only in losing the +latter in a fashion less harrowing to his vanity, less obnoxious to +his self-respect. It was the old Roman at the last, who, preferring +suicide to capture, throws himself on his own sword. + +"Study the situation as Mr. Croker studied it, following the city +convention; it will aid to an understanding of what has happened +since, and tell the story of his lost leadership. Following Mr. +Shepard's nomination there lived no Croker hope. With either Mr. +Shepard or Mr. Low elected, Tammany would dwindle--as one now beholds +it--to be a third-rate influence. The autocracy of Mr. Croker would +disappear. At the best, he might beg where he had once commanded, with +every prospect of being denied. Mr. Croker, in alarm for his pride, +decided that his sole chance to quit with credit was to quit at once, +and on that thought he acted. Following the naming of Mr. Shepard he +treated with the plotters and abandoned to them half his dominion. It +was they, and not Mr. Croker, who determined the personnel of the late +county and borough tickets; one has but to remember the folk who were +named, and recall those who were not, to know that this is true. But +bad fortune overtook Mr. Croker and the eighteen who then held him in +partial thrall. The city ticket of the one, and the county and borough +tickets of the others, were beaten." + +"They were, of a hopeful verity!" interrupted Fatfloat. "They were +beaten as flat as a field of turnips! And it was in high good time, +too. Had Tammany retained the city, before 1904 the outlaws would have +stolen everything but the back fence." + +"They did not keep the city, however," continued Enfield, "and being +defeated, Mr. Croker developed with much speed an eagerness for +England. I do not blame him; while outwardly respectful, the leading +folk of his circle were cheerless and cold, for to be beaten is to be +hated in Tammany Hall. And so he made pretense of abdication and Mr. +Nixon appeared in his place. The sequel of that ill-fortuned +substitution is known. + +"Mr. Croker will continue still to hold what Tammany territory he may. +He has money interests to protect. And yet, strive and plot and battle +as best he can, it is too late. His day is over and his power lost. He +will win such consideration and no more, as Mr. Carroll and the +others grant. + +"It is to be doubted if Mr. Croker realizes how prone and dead he is. +One knows when one is wounded, but one knows not when one is killed. +Some near day, or some far day, Mr. Croker will seek to return. Then, +and not until that time, will he comprehend the palsy that has +stricken his supremacy. Mr. Croker will return only to be denied. And +that, too, will be as it should; for even a Napoleon comes back but +once to France." + + + + +=No Time Like To-Day= + + + Gather ye rose-buds while ye may, + Old Time is still a-flying; + And this same flower that smiles to-day, + To-morrow will be dying. + + Then be not coy, but use your time, + And while ye may, go marry; + For having lost but once your prime, + You may forever tarry. + + --Robert Herrick. + + + + +=As You Like It= + + +Who Loves a Lord? + +The London newspapers give one the impression that a number of English +people will attend the coronation ceremonies. It is evident that the +editors of these newspapers do not read journals which are printed in +New York and other American centers. + + * * * * * + + +Killing for Futurity + +When Balmascheff, who shot and killed M. Sipiaguine, Russia's Minister +of the Interior, was asked if he had accomplices he replied: "So many +that it is impossible to name them." He also said that he nor they +expected grace or mercy; that he and they worked for those who came +after. Some will call this the raving of an anarchist. But these know +nothing of the conditions against which Balmascheff and his kind are +warring. The Balmascheffs would prefer to gain their ends by peaceful +means, but know from experience that life is too short for success. +They do not kill for love of killing, or the notoriety that attaches +to it, but that the lot of those whose cause they champion may be made +merely endurable. Whenever the law is wilfully and successfully +disregarded that a minority may be favored there will be found a means +by which this dereliction is brought to the attention not only of the +lawbreakers, but of the world, and as the latter, in all its +divisions, contains lawbreakers who consider themselves above or +beyond the law the punishment of one is usually followed by the +punishment of others, for lawbreakers of a colossal type--like their +executioners--think in common and recognize no cleavage of +nationality. Balmascheff may not have killed the system which was +represented by M. Sipiaguine, but he chopped away a limb. Unless the +trunk is replaced by one that better befits the age it, too, will be +chopped away. + +If this be an age of reason, as is claimed for it, men who are +furnished with a capacity to think cannot be prevented from putting +their thoughts into execution. Though Balmascheff was executed on +Friday according to biblical and Russian law, there are many +Balmascheffs in the world, and it is well for the world that this is +so. + + +Mistake in Vocation + +A woman writer who considers herself a Realist says in a story +published recently: "I found a letter in my mail and read it as I +prepared my morning coffee." This is an impossible feat. She may have +prepared the coffee and then read the letter, or read the letter and +then prepared the coffee, but she did not do both simultaneously +unless she were, not a realist, but an acrobat. + + * * * * * + + +Foreign Devils Again + +Among the many reforms foisted upon China by the Powers is a college. +At the head of this college is a Foreign Devil and among its +professors are six Foreign Devils. The court of last resort, however, +is the Governor of Shantung, who is a native of China. He, quite +recently, filled the Foreign Devils with indignation because he +expelled from the college a student who refused to subscribe to the +teachings of Confucius, who was a wise as well as a learned man. The +Foreign Devils transferred some of their indignation to Mr. Conger, +the United States Minister, who "warned the Throne against infractions +of the treaties in respect to the freedom of the Chinese to practice +Christianity." This warning probably filled the Throne with even more +and hotter indignation than that which seethed in the Foreign Devils. +Why should Mr. Conger not follow the custom of his own country and +permit every religion to take care of itself? Here is a case in point. +A Mr. Noll applied for a license to preach and it was denied to him by +a Theological Seminary of the Presbyterian brand because he refused to +believe in the personality of Adam. He would not have carried his case +to the President even if he had not died. It has been asserted by a +Minister of another denomination that Noll was murdered, not in the +orthodox way, but simply because he was refused a license to preach. +If the murder theory be not untenable Noll was not of the stuff of +which martyrs are made, and as all Preachers hold that they are made +of this stuff Noll conferred a favor upon the profession by dying of +consumption. + + * * * * * + + +Heaven or Hell + +Even before Noll died a number of Presbyterian Preachers had announced +that they considered Adam, Moses, Jonah and other personages of Note +in Bible literature as Myths. With rare exceptions, there is about as +little initiative in Professional Preachers as there is in +Professional Pugilists, and the last sect of which one might have +expected such iconoclastic utterances is that which claims Calvin and +John Knox as its shining lights. I remember, as a small boy, feeling +sorry for a chum because, as a Presbyterian, he did not know and had +no means of finding out whether he had been born to go to Heaven or +Hell, and in those days both of those resorts were spelled with +capitals and pronounced with awe. Had he been able by a most rigorous +observance of all the rules laid down by God and Man to make certain +of living in a future state of beatitude I would have felt sorry for +him still, as he would be compelled, of necessity, to miss many of the +joys of this world; still his future then--though in a hard and +grinding measure--would have lain in his own hands. But whether he +became a Pirate or a Preacher was all one; he had been born to go to +Heaven or Hell and nothing that he could do could enable him to change +his final destination. In later life he, evidently, appreciated this, +for he became a Stock-Broker, after, as a Preacher, having broken most +of the Commandments and fractured the rest. Had the Dominie of the +flock of which he was a member expressed a doubt of the existence, +some years ago, of Adam, Moses or Jonah, but particularly Adam, he +would have saved my friend from much mental and some physical +distress. + + * * * * * + + +Adam a Myth + +When a hide-bound, moss-grown bigot begets doubts and then removes +them, he is like a bull in a china shop and wants to break everything +in sight, not through an innate love of destruction, but because he +has lost his rope and is too delirious to find the corral. This +throwing overboard of Adam so suddenly and without any recently +discovered evidence upon his personality or lack of it, comes in the +nature of a shock. The act has been perpetrated after the fashion of +Captain Kidd in his worst days. It shows a complete lack of even a +faint acquaintance with the small amenities that help to smooth the +ruts in social intercourse to not only order a personage of Adam's +standing and reputation to "walk the plank," but to push him off. +Besides, it shows an utter disregard for the feelings of that large +body of people who do not think, to wipe out, at one fell wipe, the +whole scheme of creation without substituting another. If there were +no Adam there could not have been a Garden of Eden or an Eve. And what +about the Apple and the Serpent and a lot of other picturesque +details? Personally, I intend to stick to my belief in Adam, not +because I ever had a high opinion of him, but because I have met a +number of men who remind me of him--men who always throw the blame on +the woman; also because I have seen several spots that would make an +admirable Eden. Besides, there is something in the story of what +happened in the Garden that rings true; not that all women would adopt +Eve's bold method, but much may be forgiven a woman who had no mother +or maiden aunt to play duenna, and who lived before either was +fashionable, or, according to the story, necessary. + + * * * * * + + +Hurrah for Noah + +But these reverend gentlemen must not go too far. One may regret Adam, +and his extinction may start fissures in many genealogical trees, but +to such of us as only "came over in the Mayflower," or "with the +Conqueror," his flop into oblivion may entail no serious damage to +existing rights. Upon Moses I always looked as a person of doubtful +parentage, and a leader who, had he lived in recent centuries, would +have been sacrificed by his own men within a month at most. His only +title to fame is that he kept the Jews for forty years from +appropriating anything but a desert which nobody else wanted and was a +blistering hindrance to them. The story of Moses certainly has weak +spots. Too much is known of the localities which he frequented. The +crossing of the Red Sea without even getting his boots full of water +seems too lurid an accomplishment for a pedestrian who consumed forty +years in reaching the confines of an ordinary desert. His +disappearance will cause but little clamor. Then there is Jonah. Those +who know the sea, or have a passing acquaintance with fish, place no +reliance upon the Jonah-whale story. Jonah will not be missed greatly. +But I must insist upon the preservation of Noah. In him are we all--no +creed nor color barred--indebted for our first striking and imperfect +impressions of the animal kingdom. No liar could have invented the +story of the flood. It is of too wholesale a character for pure +invention, and the few details which accompany it wear an air of +truth. Unless it were founded upon fact, could manufacturers all over +the world have been induced to strengthen it and put money in their +purse by turning out, annually, not millions but trillions of Noah's +arks? Once shake the belief of childhood in the stability of Noah and +ruin will fall upon a great industry, for machinery which will turn +out a never-ending stream of Noah's arks could not be driven to turn +out anything else. There is nothing to take the place of Noah's ark, +as there is no one to take the place of Noah. In other lines trade may +follow the flag, but in the Noah's ark industry it follows a belief in +Noah and is known to every flag that has ever waved, paying allegiance +to no particular banner. Before these fatiguing divines drive even a +tack into Noah's coffin, let them provide us with a personage of equal +interest and influence. If they are not permitted to move further in +their scheme of destruction until they do this, Noah is safe. They can +only try to kill; they cannot create. + + * * * * * + + +Callow Judgment + +Mr. William M. Thomas, United States Minister to Sweden, called upon +the President lately and made him a present of several Swedish razors. +A Washington correspondent at once telegraphed to his newspaper in +New York: "He selected the razors himself and is a fine judge of them +though he does not use a razor." If the person who sent this important +dispatch wanted to secure an Old Master he, doubtless, would hire a +canal boatman to pass judgment upon the painting before he put his +money down. + + * * * * * + + +Champagne and "Champagne" + +It is customary for Americans to think that they get the best of +everything. There are Americans who _do_ get the best of everything, +but this is because they know what is best and are able and willing to +pay for it. But where hoi polloi thinks that it gets the best of +everything it is mistaken. Take champagne, for instance. "A large +bottle on the ice" is a common order in New York. To the waiter it +means a bottle of champagne. He may or may not ask if any particular +brand is required: that depends upon the quality of the hostelry in +which he is employed; also upon the quality of the customer. The +"large bottle" is forthcoming. It contains a label on which is printed +the maker's name. + +The cork which comes out of the bottle is, generally, much larger +than the neck into which it has been forced. It is seldom that one +hears a buyer ask to see the cork. The average buyer of champagne +would not understand the cork's story. He is accustomed to large and +bulging corks and if he were to see an attenuated specimen, of dark +complexion and as hard as a piece of vulcanized rubber he would look +at it with great suspicion and, doubtless, refuse the wine. But an +experienced waiter will know his man and will bring him the sort of +"large bottle" to which he has been accustomed, though it will not be +champagne that a wine drinker would care to swallow. Champagne of the +"large bottle" variety is drunk to a larger extent in the United +States than anywhere else; in fact one would not be far wrong in +saying that it is manufactured for the American market. Generally, the +best champagne is made for England and Russia. The people of those +countries who drink champagne have made at least a cursory study of it +and are able, at a moment's notice, to name the best vintages of the +last twenty-five or thirty years. There are Americans who can do this, +too, but they are not of the "large bottle" or "cold bottle" variety. +The latter are the people who account for the fact that much more +"champagne" is consumed than is furnished by the vineyards of France. + + THOMAS B. FIELDERS. + + + + +=Drift of the Day= + + +From my station here on the housetop my gaze wanders out over acres of +roofs--the leaded coverings of hotels, apartment-houses, and office +buildings. They rear themselves beneath and around me as the lesser +peaks of the Himalayas seen from Mount Everest. My eyes ache with the +diversity of their shapes, the eccentricity of their styles, the +irregularity of their altitudes. No man viewing them can continue +blind to the independence of the American citizen, to the ostentation +of his right of personal selection, to his individual caprice. They +stand, a brick-and-iron commentary upon the competing ambitions of two +generations of townsmen. + +A hulking, twenty-story modernity stands side by side with a dwarfish, +Dutch anachronism, but neither possesses any right of precedence over +the other. They are equal in the eyes of the proletary. Classic and +nondescript, marble and brick, granite and iron, unite to form the +most heterogeneous collection of fashions the earth's surface anywhere +exhibits. Even Milton's blind eyes pictured nothing so fantastic as +this architectural chaos of Manhattan, so hopeless of eventual order. +And yet are there not lacking signs that the quaint pot-pourri of +whimsicalities will one day coalesce into a well-defined, artistic +composition, a twentieth century City Beautiful. God grant its +attainment be not unduly protracted! + +But it is with the insides of this vast confusion of buildings I am +presently concerned. As the buildings are, so are the +inhabitants--little and big, tall and short, honestly constructed and +jerry built, old fashioned and up to date, aping the fashions of a +dozen civilizations. In any one of these great structures will be +found the representatives of a dozen nations, born to a dozen tongues, +yet all conversing in a common English, covering their motley +nationalities with a common Americanism, united in their loyalty to +the Republic. In the diversity of its constituents lies the strength +of the American nation. + +No European section of the American community sufficiently +preponderates over its fellows to affect the national sympathy toward +foreign Powers. Irish counteracts English opinion; German sonship is +balanced by the filial sentiment of the Latin races--the Slavs and +the Russian Jews have no European predilections. Consequently, +American foreign policy is dictated by Americans for the benefit of +Americans, without reference to the warring interests in Europe or in +Asia. The men who lead in the United States are men who, for the most +part, have not voyaged beyond the confines of the United States. All +of their attention upon affairs of State is cast inward upon their own +land, is absolutely self-centred. The resultant national policy is the +most selfish, but the most formidable in the world of nations. + +American and Briton are alike co-heirs to the common Anglo-Saxon +heritage, but they are brothers who differ as materially in +temperament as in ambition and in creed. The Briton is daily becoming +more cosmopolitan, his outlook more world-wide. The shadow of the +village pump has departed from his statecraft, and his political +horizon girdles the earth. But the American remains intensely +introspective, suspicious of foreign influence, interested solely in +his world of the Western Hemisphere. + +In Britain are Little Englanders who dread every step the nation makes +in outward expansion, but there are here no Little Americanders. The +Little Englanders doubt the nation's power to hold the nation's +possessions. Here, in the United States, are men who question the +advisability of penetrating into world politics, but no man among them +has doubt of the nation's power to keep whatever territory the Star +Spangled Banner once has floated over. They are merely jealous, +jealous of the absolute isolation of their commonwealth, quick to +resent any remotest possibility of interference with it. + +In every American's ears rings the music of assured success, the +certainty of a rich inheritance laid up for him and his children's +children in the internal resources of his country. In many an +Englishman's ears sound only the doleful croakings of the prophets, +the sinister rumblings of approaching doom. Though his pessimism be in +great part born of his climate, it has had a very real effect upon his +statecraft. It has driven him outward to find hope and sunshine +abroad, in his colonies, and in India. It has made of the race a +nation of expansionists, reaping where they have not sown, gathering +where they have not strawed. + +It is otherwise here with us under a sky that would make of Job an +optimist. All around are light and color, the evidences of life and +hope. Here the whites are white, and not a dirty drab. The streets +glisten clean in the sunlight, and every window is a reflector of glad +promise. In London, choked with fog, and grimy with soot-dust, the +Englishman cannot see the future for smoke, cannot extract a gleam of +hope from the sodden, mud-soaked thoroughfares. To be sanguine here on +my housetop is to be natural and in harmony with my surroundings. To +be hilarious in the Strand is to be unnatural, to court detention in a +police cell or a lunatic asylum. There is a wide gulf separating Sandy +Hook from Land's End, but a still wider between Pennsylvania Avenue +and the Westminster Bridge Road. + +And so those who have dreamed of Anglo-American alliances awake to +find themselves deceived by the very intensity of their desires. The +bloodship between the nations is itself the surest deterrent of +alliance. Just as in the Church marriage between nigh kinsmen is +forbidden, so political marriage between the British and American +nations can never be. The United States is possessed of a single +idea--the consolidation and enrichment of the United States. No +interest is permitted to clash with that paramount national ambition. + +To that end all share in the pomp and vanities of the world is +sacrificed; her ambassadors tolerated, not supported; her Secretary of +State snubbed; her President jealously watched in all his exchanges of +courtesy with foreign Powers. United States citizens may be maltreated +and murdered in Bulgaria or in China, the United States will not go to +war on their behalf. Her mission is confined to the Western +Hemisphere, and over its borders no insult, no cajolery will avail to +tempt her. Within her own sphere her temper is quick, and her arm +strong to avenge. Across the ocean she is long suffering and slow to +anger. + +Down here at my feet the American is engaged in his nation-building +somewhat less satisfactorily than out in the wide world beyond. A +nation compounded of a dozen alien races may unite on matters of +foreign policy, but in that is no warranty of harmony at home. +Domestic strife is as bitter here as in Germany or Britain or France. +I watch from my housetop men marching in processions of protest; I +read of strikes; I hear of an infinity of rude wranglings, of senators +battling on the floor of the forum, of disputes in the sacred halls of +Tammany. Not yet has the Irish lamb lain down with the Virginian lion. + +It were strange were it otherwise in a land where the city man has +destroyed the home. The American has shown no great genius for the +domestic virtues. He has hauled down the homes of his ancestors, has +builded in their stead vast apartment-houses and tenement +buildings--steam-heated Towers of Babel. Into each of these he has +packed the population of a European market-town, has left the children +to grow up on the roofs and staircases, the babies to find a blessed +release through rickety fire-escapes. When a fit of reform has touched +him, he has stirred up the garbage of the Tenderloin and the Red Light +District, has spread it broadcast over his cities to poison his wife +and his daughter. + +No, the American has still much to learn of domestic politics. Let him +sit with me here any night on my housetop and he will see the sad +effects of sectarian reform and newspaper hysteria. He will see the +creatures of the Tenderloin at home on Broadway and Fifth Avenue +where, twelve months ago, their presence was unknown. He will see the +policeman on the beat neglect the broken lock of my house door that +haply he may learn something of the doings of his fellow constable. He +will see a whole civil service turned into a bureau of information, a +department of espionage. He will see the entire machinery of city +government made ineffectual in the sacred name of Reform. + +It was an American who made immortal the simple phrase: "There's no +place like home." Verily, one must take a long day's journey from New +York ere he discover a place in any essential comparable with the home +of our childhood's prattle, the home with its mother and its mother +love, its rosy boys and its sweet faced lasses. That home has been +handed over to the house-breakers, to make way for modern buildings, +for improvements on the surroundings that made our mothers and our +wives. + +Sitting here on the housetop, one wonders if those residential +skyscrapers are indeed rooted in the foul pit of Acheron. If built in +the proportions of the iceberg, they must reach well into the bowels +of Tophet and thence derive the evil that is in them. + + ROGER SKIRVING. + + + + +=Lady Betty's Comment= + + +In opposition to the familiar precept of a patriot touching the price +and preciousness of liberty, femininity, scorning to be free, exults +in shackles. We hesitate over our own taste, and turn rather to the +crowning of some courageous male, with a liking and a talent for +notoriety. The duties of this gentleman being irksome and his reward +being ridicule, it is perhaps amazing that we stand in no nearer +danger of lacking a leader for want of aspirants than does the nation +of begging for a President. Once guided by a master mind the most +exotic may come frankly forth to meet and struggle with the daily +weariness of dinner giving and dinner eating: may look towards a +triumphant overthrow of those problems on what forks to use, what +jewels to adopt, what mannerisms to affect and what fads to uplift. As +our persons are no more sacred than our habits we feel that our vanity +is never safe; and our present despot, who owns a Turkish taste in +femininity, and insists on the fashionableness of fat, unhappy is the +woman who, like Mrs. Spottletoe of Chuzzlewit fame, is lean and dry +and errs on the side of slimness. + + * * * * * + +The dawn of the racing season alters the bucolic character of the +roads leading to Morris Park and makes them gay and noisy +thoroughfares--conglomerations of smart traps and rainbow frocks. The +drive to and from the track is the jolliest feature of a programme +that--as is not uncommonly the case where the mighty are +involved--smacks not a little of sameness. The inevitable lunch at the +club house is occasionally enlivened by a friendly tiff over the +possession of a piazza table where is offered a view of the course +combined with the comforts of repletion, and is, in consequence, +considered a vantage point of desirability. We meet the same people, +and we eat of the same dishes disguised in the same service, that +daily play the routine of our fashion; for, as Thackeray says of his +British, wherever we may go, we carry with us our pills and our +prejudices. And there be times, too, when we almost echo those +cravings of poor Becky Sharp who, having attained the summits of +society, cries in the desperation of her ennui: "Oh, how much gayer it +would be to dance in spangles in a booth!" + + * * * * * + +That enterprising bachelor, Mr. James Henry Smith, evinces a nice +taste in matters feminine. His much-to-be-desired box seat is not +infrequently embellished by the presence of Mrs. Cornelius Vanderbilt, +who this year shows a preference for the varying shades of Quaker +gray, and was recently admired in a cloth of that color made with a +plain skirt and a blousing coat with bishop sleeves. Mrs. Alfred +likewise leans modestly towards the dove and is shown at her best in +a soft pale frock trimmed with passementerie of the same shade and +topped by a large hat of black chip tipped well towards the right +side. Mrs. Alfred is young enough to ignore the ravages of a possible +embonpoint, but there be other matrons who hang so uncertainly about +that borderland of beauty that they somehow manage to convey the hint +that only by an unwinking watchfulness do they succeed in foiling the +onslaughts of his ogreship of avoirdupois. In their eye lurks terror +and in their lines one spells their secret of rebellious hunger; of +Delsarte, gymnastics and massage. Sometimes the matron is an +improvement on the maid. But this is not always true. For those who +turn coarse and harsh with years, we recommend Christian Science and a +less flexible self-denial. + + * * * * * + +We find it difficult to understand that lack of sense and taste which +led to the recent criticisms of Mr. Jefferson's oratory on the Actor's +Home occasion. Mr. Jefferson, happening by mistake to pass over one of +the many names of benefactors, and, presto! there were a dozen +listeners, malice-prompted, eager to ascribe to this falter of an old +man's memory every meager and jealous motive. An intricate and, of a +necessity, a somewhat didactic argument, delivered in the open air, +does not become the simplest of tasks in the hands of an old gentleman +who has turned his back upon the fourscore mark. He was brave and he +was most obliging to undertake a speech of any character, and now his +payment seems to be in the customary false, ill-natured coin. + + * * * * * + +It is said that the late Ward McAllister shrank with peculiar distaste +from the vulgarity of divorce. If so he is to be congratulated on +passing away before the publication of his niece's domestic misfits. +Mrs. Young is appallingly frank concerning her wrongs and the suit +threatens to be spicy; although so far, the name of the actress +corespondent has not been given to the press. It was good of Mr. +McAllister to attempt that separation of wheat from chaff which at one +time rendered his verdicts of such dread power among social aspirants; +it may be the irony of mockery that to-day his family are conspicuous +upon only two points. One relative goes clamorously into the divorce +court while another wins celebration by the showy style of a bodice. + + * * * * * + +The gossip who predicted that the wife of the French ambassador would +decline to be received by the Countess Cassini must content herself as +best she may with the development of some lesser scandal, for +certainly this last effort has met refutation. Mme. Cambon dined at +the Russian embassy like the diplomatic woman that she is. + + * * * * * + +The visit of Miss Roosevelt to Cuba is said to have been more or less +of a failure speaking from a Latin standpoint. Miss Roosevelt did not +"take" with the Cuban element. She is uncompromisingly Anglo-Saxon and +lacks that pliability which would endear her to the children of +another race. Cuban women excel in charm of mannerism and in their +eyes Miss Roosevelt appears unpolished and uncut. We may like her +better as she is, but it is safe to say that had she but a few added +years of experience there would have been a more gracious outcome to +her trip. Miss Roosevelt Scovel was recently dining at Sherry's. She +wore an exquisite white frock but is not herself a pretty girl though +her grace uplifts somewhat her mediocrity of appearance. + + * * * * * + +It is the province of brides to be as bedecked as circumstances +permit. Why then does Mrs. Depew automobile about Washington in a +miserable machine that most people would refuse to be seen in? Is it +humility? It is not gallant in Chauncey to permit the lady to appear +in such an antiquated rattletrap. In appearance she is a plain woman; +sensible, gracious and nice. Her position is a trying one which she +supports with tact. So far she has been guilty of no error of taste +and her manner with her husband is pleasant without bearing a trace of +that silliness which the Senator's great age encouraged Washington to +expect. No one has yet enjoyed any spiteful fun at Mrs. Depew's +expense though many were on the _qui vive_ for entertainment. + + * * * * * + +Idlehours has been duly garnished for the return of the master, who +loves this home better than the gray pile which represents the best +architectural type on Fifth Avenue. Mr. Vanderbilt is modestly +conscious of the prestige wrested from Fournier, and is a cheering +illustration of the soundness of open-air enjoyment. + + * * * * * + +How often have we read of the monthly ten thousand dollars which our +ambassador will lavish upon Brook House! In justice to Mr. Reid it +must be owned that he is simplicity itself, and by no one is it +supposed that either he or Mrs. Reid have part in the publication of +these details. He showed wisdom in a preference for his own household +over the proffered royal quarters which would have been assigned him. +He is chosen for his fitness, but were he the veriest clod the dignity +of his position would still carry with it a sufficient measure of +respect. Our desire to embellish its importance is absurd, and the +hysteria of the dailies is calculated to place a dignified gentleman +in a ridiculous light. Mrs. Reid's name and cultivation will doubtless +enable her to support a monotonous role with grace; but, in +consideration of British proficiency in matters ceremonial, their +money will not be called upon to add a jot to the dignity of their +reception. Their early departure has not prevented the opening of +their country place, Ophir Hall, in the vicinity of White Plains, +while their neighbor, Colonel Astor, has long been established at +Ferncliffe. + + * * * * * + +Miss Nannie Leiter, of studious renown, is visiting Chicago in the +company of her father. Mamma Leiter plans a garden party in compliment +to Ambassador and Madame Cambon, while brother Joseph courts fame from +the arena of Buffalo Bill; but for a clear space of a day or two we +have learned naught of Daisy of the violet orbs. They are the +loveliest eyes in Washington, by contrast with which the commoner +grays and blues appeal to the enamoured diplomats but as so many +soulless pebbles. + + * * * * * + +From London wafts the rumor that Alexandra, pleading a dread of +copy-designing peeresses, guards with jealous vigilance the secret of +her coronation crown, and gossip adds that she fears to have it +duplicated by some enterprising American. It is doubtful if the +peculiar humor of the British populace would allow of a full +appreciation of this joke. Years and etiquette combined have led her +Majesty to the thraldom of the rouge and enamel pot. Like the sensible +woman that she is she attempts no concealment of the fact that she +protects herself from becoming hideous by the employment of three +maids whose duty it is to successively undertake the embellishment of +the royal countenance. By means of this relief no one of these women +loses her delicacy of eye and touch, and Alexandra blooms with the +rosy softness of a girl. + + * * * * * + +The papers seem to be woefully wrought up over the financial rating of +Mr. Harry Lehr. Whether he is or whether he is not a wine boomer would +not ordinarily be a query of agitating importance. Nor yet is the +exact proportion of his yearly salary of national interest. No one +ever accused this agile gentleman of setting up for a millionaire +while his ingenuousness touching his wife's property is disconcerting +in its frankness. + + * * * * * + +Now that Tom Reed is settled in New York one wonders somewhat that one +hears so little of his family. They are to be congratulated on their +breeding, for with his prominence to back them they would find +notoriety an easy plum. A gentleman called at Mr. Reed's office a day +or two ago to ask for an autograph letter on the plea that he had in +his possession one of each of the speakers, and wound up his request +with the half joking query of "You are a great man, are you not, Mr. +Reed?" "No," said the rotund Tom in his big-voiced drawl, "No, but I +am a good man." + + BETTY STAIR. + + + + +=The Play= + + +If it be true that the future is revealed in the past, then should +there be something in the dramatic season which is dead to indicate +the character of the season not yet born. By the straws of public +approval is the course of the dramatic current determined by those +master mariners of the stage, the managers of theatres. The late +season has left no great store of such buoys to mark the fair channel +to success. Of such as there are, the purport is not altogether +convincing. + +To record that "Du Barry" and "Beauty and the Beast" are notable +successes is but to record that the public, as ever, is attracted by +display of rich vestments and spectacular effect. Such straws indicate +nothing more than that a Circus or a Wild West Show will seduce to +Madison Square Garden an audience that would fill a theatre for a +month. + +Mr. Hawtrey's triumph at the Garrick Theatre is as little of a guide +to popular opinion as was Anna Held's or Weber and Fields'. No +manager in his senses would suggest that because Mr. Hawtrey +succeeded with "A Message from Mars," the public are prepared to +support a series of like Christmas ghost stories. It was the novelty +that took, and the personality of a refreshingly non-American actor. + +For myself I would seek the trend of public opinion in a very +different group of plays; in a batch that did not chronicle one single +great success, but each of which received a fair meed of popular +support. I refer to such plays as "The Second Mrs. Tanqueray," "A +Modern Magdalen," and "Tess of the D'Urbervilles." In such plays lies +the modern tragedy. They are addressed to the times, actual, +intelligible. + +But such as held the New York stage in the past season were timorously +constructed, bowdlerized by stage managers and, for the most part, +poorly acted. Two of the three I have indicated are plays many seasons +old. The greatest of these is "The Second Mrs. Tanqueray," interpreted +for us by the greatest actress who ever essayed the part. It indicated +a development I believe to be still in its infancy--a development that +was arrested before it had been weaned from its first timid suckling. + +The public does not desire the problem play. It demands a play that +will end with a curtain definite, convincing. But in the problem plays +of the past it finds the material it fain would see applied to a +bolder, unequivocal purpose. In the eight years that have elapsed +since the production of Pinero's "Tanqueray," the public's stomach has +been strengthened. It is able to digest tragedies in drawing rooms. It +no longer requires peptonized drama. The playgoer no longer demands +whatever of primal passion is presented to him to be dressed in +doublet and hose. He can accept plain truths in the speech of the day, +villains and heroines in the costume of the clubs and Fifth Avenue. + +The great play of the future must be a play of the times, must deal +with the real things of life, must balk at no expression of modern +tendencies, must reveal the skeleton in the twentieth century +cupboard. + +The days of the historical romance are happily ended. Such milk and +water diet is food not fit for men. The new dramatist must provide us +with strong meat, properly served by players of intelligence and +insight, if dramatic art is to be rescued from the slough into which +it has so miserably sunk. The question is: Can America produce a +writer of sufficient originality, a manager of sufficient courage, an +actor of sufficient understanding to give the public what it asks? + +If such there be, their names are not Clyde Fitch or David Belasco, +Charles Frohman or Daniel Frohman, Richard Mansfield or Amelia +Bingham. + + JAQUES. + + +=Artistic Disarray= + + + A sweet disorder in the dress + Kindles in clothes a wantonness;-- + A lawn about the shoulders thrown + Into a fine distraction-- + An erring lace which here and there + Enthrals the crimson stomacher,-- + A cuff neglectful, and thereby + Ribbands to flow confusedly,-- + A winning wave deserving note, + In the tempestuous petticoat,-- + A careless shoe-string, in whose tie + I see a wild civility,-- + Do more bewitch me, than when art + Is too precise in every part. + + --Robert Herrick. + + + + +=Tavern Series= + + +That Smuggled Silk + +By THE OLD LOBBYIST + + +Should your curiosity invite it, and the more since I promised you the +story, we will now, my children, go about the telling of that one +operation in underground silk. It is not calculated to foster the +pride of an old man to plunge into a relation of dubious doings of his +youth. And yet, as I look backward on that one bit of smuggling of +which I was guilty, so far as motive was involved, I exonerate myself. +I looked on the government, because of the South's conquest by the +North, and that later ruin of myself through the machinations of the +Revenue office, as both a political and a personal foe. And I felt, +not alone morally free, but was impelled besides in what I deemed a +spirit of justice to myself, to wage war against it as best I might. +It was on such argument, where the chance proffered, that I sought +wealth as a smuggler. I would deplete the government--forage, as it +were, on the enemy--thereby to fatten my purse. Of course, as my hair +has whitened with the sifting frosts of years, I confess that my +sophistries of smuggling seem less and less plausible, while smuggling +itself loses whatever of romantic glamour it may have been invested +with or what little color of respect to which it might seem able to +lay claim. + +This tale shall be told in simplest periods. That is as should be; for +expression should ever be meek and subjugated when one's story is the +mere story of a cheat. There is scant room in such recital for heroic +phrase. Smuggling, and paint it with what genius one may, can be +nothing save a skulking, hiding, fear-eaten trade. There is nothing +about it of bravery or dash. How therefore, and avoid laughter, may +one wax stately in any telling of its ignoble details? + +When, following my unfortunate crash in tobacco, I had cleared away +the last fragment of the confusion that reigned in my affairs, I was +driven to give my nerves a respite and seek a rest. For three months I +had been under severest stress. When the funeral was done--for funeral +it seemed to me--and my tobacco enterprise and those hopes it had so +flattered were forever laid at rest, my nerves sank exhausted and my +brain was in a whirl. I could neither think with clearness nor plan +with accuracy. Moreover, I was prey to that depression and lack of +confidence in myself, which come inevitably as the corollary of utter +weariness. + +Aware of this personal condition, I put aside thought of any present +formulation of a future. I would rest, recover poise, and win back +that optimism that belongs with health and youth. This was wisdom; I +was jaded beyond belief; and fatigue means dejection, and dejection +spells pessimism, and pessimism is never sagacious nor excellent in +any of its programmes. + +For that rawness of the nerves I speak of, many apply themselves to +drink; some rush to drugs; for myself, I take to music. It was +midwinter, and grand opera was here. This was fortunate. I buried +myself in a box, and opened my very pores to those nerve-healthful +harmonies. In a week thereafter I might call myself recovered. My soul +was cool, my eye bright, my mind clear and sensibly elate. Life and +its promises seemed mightily refreshed. + +No one has ever called me superstitious, and yet to begin my +course-charting for a new career, I harked back to the old Astor +House. It was there that brilliant thought of tobacco overtook me two +years before. Perhaps an inspiration was to dwell in an environment. +Again I registered, and finding it tenantless, took over again my old +room. + +Still I cannot say, and it is to that hostelry's credit, that my +domicile at the Astor aided me to my smuggling resolves. Those last +had growth somewhat in this fashion: I had dawdled for two hours over +coffee in the cafe--the room and the employment which had one-time +brought me fortune--but was incapable of any thought of value. I could +decide on nothing good. Indeed, I did naught save mentally curse those +Washington revenue miscreants who, failing of blackmail, had destroyed +me for revenge. + +Whatever comfort may lurk in curses, at least they carry no money +profit; so after a fruitless session over coffee and maledictions, I +arose, and as a calmative, walked down Broadway. At Trinity +churchyard, the gates being open, I turned in and began ramblingly to +twine and twist among the graves. There I encountered a garrulous old +man who, for his own pleasure, evidently, devoted himself to my +information. He pointed out the grave of Fulton, he of the steamboats; +then I was shown the tomb of that Lawrence who would "never give up +the ship"; from there I was carried to the last low bed of the +love-wrecked beautiful Charlotte Temple. + +My eye at last, by the alluring voice and finger of the old guide, was +drawn to a spot under the tower where sleeps the Lady Cornbury, dead +now as I tell this, hardly two hundred years. Also I was told of that +Lord Cornbury, her husband, once governor of the colony for his +relative, Queen Anne; and how he became so much more efficient as a +smuggler and a customs cheat, than ever he was as an executive, that +he lost in 1708 his high employment. + +Because I had nothing more worthy to occupy my leisure, I +listened--somewhat listlessly, I promise you, for after all I was +thinking of the future not the past, and considering of the living +rather than those old dead folk, obscure, forgotten in their slim +graves--I listened, I say, wordlessly to my gray historian; and +somehow, after I was free of him, the one thing that remained alive in +my memory was the smuggling story of our Viscount Cornbury. + +Among those few acquaintances I had formed during my brief +prosperity, was one with a gentleman named Harris, who had owned +apartments under mine on Twenty-second Street. Harris was elegant, +educated, traveled, and apparently well-to-do in riches. Busy with my +own mounting fortunes, the questions of who Harris was? and what he +did? and how he lived? never rapped at the door of my curiosity for +reply. One night, however, as we sat over a late and by no means a +first bottle of wine, Harris himself informed me that he was employed +in smuggling; had a partner-accomplice in the Customs House, and +perfect arrangements aboard a certain ship. By these last double +advantages, he came aboard with twenty trunks, if he so pleased, +without risking anything from the inquisitiveness or loquacity of the +officers of the ship; and later debarked at New York with the +certainty of going scatheless through the customs as rapidly as his +Inspector partner could chalk scrawlingly "O.K." upon his sundry +pieces of baggage. + +Coming from Old Trinity, still mooting Cornbury and his smugglings, my +thoughts turned to Harris. Also, for the earliest time, I began to +consider within myself whether smuggling was not a field of business +wherein a pushing man might grow and reap a harvest. The idea came to +me to turn "free-trader." The government had destroyed me; I would +make reprisal. I would give my hand to smuggling and spoil the +Egyptian. + +At once I sought Harris and over a glass of Burgundy--ever a favorite +wine with me--we struck agreement. As a finale, we each put in fifteen +thousand dollars and with the whole sum of thirty thousand dollars +Harris pushed forth for Europe while I remained behind. Harris visited +Lyons; and our complete investment was in a choicest sort of Lyons +silk. The rich fabrics were packed in a dozen trunks--not all alike, +these trunks, but differing, one from another, so as to prevent the +notion as they stood about the wharf that there was aught of +relationship between them or that one man stood owner of them all. + +It is not needed to tell of my partner's voyage of return. It was +without event and one may safely abandon it, leaving its relation to +Harris himself, if he be yet alive and should the spirit him so move. +It is enough for the present purpose that in due time the trunks +holding our precious silk-bolts, with Harris as their convoy, arrived +safe in New York. I had been looking for the boat's coming and was +waiting eagerly on the wharf as her lines and her stagings were run +ashore. Our partner, the Inspector, and who was to enjoy a per cent of +the profits of the speculation, was named Lorns. He rapidly chalked +"O.K." with his name affixed to the end of each several trunk, and it +thereupon with the balance of inspected baggage was promptly piled +upon the wharf. + +There had been a demand for drays, I remember, and on this day when +our silks came in, I was able to procure but one. The ship did not +dock until late in the afternoon, and at eight o'clock of a dark, +foggy April evening, there still remained one of our trunks--the +largest of all, it was--on the wharf. The dray had departed with the +second load for that concealing loft on Reade Street which, in Harris' +absence, I had taken to be used as the depot of those smuggling +operations wherein we might become engaged. I had made every move with +caution; I had never employed our real names, not even with the +drayman. + +As I was telling, the dray was engaged about the second trip. This +last large silk-trunk was left behind perforce; pile it how one might, +there had been no safe room for it on the already overloaded dray. The +drayman had promised to return and have it safely in our loft that +night. + +For myself, I was from first to last lounging about the wharf, +overseeing the going away of our goods. Harris, so soon as I gave him +key and street-number had posted to Reade Street to attend the silk's +reception. Waiting for the coming back of the conveying dray was but a +slow, dull business, and I was impatiently, at the hour I've named, +walking up and down, casting an occasional glance at the big last +trunk where it stood on end, a bit drawn out and separated from that +common mountain of baggage wherewith the wharf was piled. One of the +general inspectors, a man I had never seen but whom I knew, by virtue +of his rank, to be superior to our chalk-wielding coparcener, Lorns, +also paced the wharf and appeared to bear me company in a distant, +non-communicative way. This customs captain and myself, save for an +under inspector named Quin, had the dock to ourselves. The boat was +long in and most land folk had gotten through their concern with her +and wended homeward long before. There were, however, many passengers +of emigrant sort still held aboard the ship. + +As I marched up and down, Lorns came ashore and pretended some +business with his superior officer. As he returned to the ship and +what duties he had still to perform there, he made a slight signal to +both myself and his fellow inspector, Quin, to follow him. I was well +known to Lorns, having had several talks with him, while Harris was +abroad. Quin I had never met; but it quickly appeared that he was a +confidant of Lorns, and while without a money interest in our affairs +was ready to bear a helping hand should a situation commence to pinch. + +Quin and I went severally and withal carelessly aboard ship, and not +at all as though we were seeking Lorns. This was to darken the chief, +who was not in our secrets and whom we both surmised to be the cause +of Lorns' signal. + +Once aboard, and gathered in a dark corner, Lorns began at once: + +"Let me do the talking," said Lorns with a nervous rapidity that at +once enlisted the ears of Quin and myself. "Don't interrupt, but +listen. The chief suspects that last trunk. I can tell it by the way +he acts. A bit later, when I come ashore, he'll ask to have it +opened. Should he do so, we're gone; you and I." This last was to me. +Then to Quin: "Do you see that tall lean Swiss, with the long boots +and porcelain pipe? He's in an ugly mood, doesn't speak English, and +within one minute after you return to the wharf, he and I will be +entangled in a rough and tumble riot. I'll attend to that. The row +will be prodigious. The chief will be sent for to settle the war, and +when he leaves the wharf, Quin, don't wait; seize on that silk trunk +and throw it into the river. There's iron enough clamped about the +corners to sink it; besides, it's packed so tightly it's as heavy as +lead, and will go to the bottom like an anvil. Then from the pile pull +down some trunk similar to it in looks and stand it in its place. Give +the new trunk my mark, as the chief has already read the name on the +trunk. Go, Quin; I rely on you." + +"You can trust me, my boy," retorted Quin cheerfully, and turning on +his heel, he was back on the wharf in a moment, and apparently busy +about the pile of baggage. + +Suddenly there came a mighty uproar aboard ship. Lorns and the Swiss, +the latter already irate over some trouble he had experienced, were +rolling about the deck in a most violent scrimmage, the Swiss having +decidedly the worst of the trouble. The chief rushed up the plank; +Lorns and the descendant of Tell and Winkelried, were torn apart; and +then a double din of explanation ensued. After ten minutes, the chief +was able to straighten out the difficulty--whatever its pretended +cause might be I know not; for I held myself warily aloof, not a +little alarmed by what Lorns had communicated--and repaired again to +his station upon the wharf. As he came down the plank, Quin, who had +not been a moment behind him in going aboard to discover the reasons +of the riot, followed. Brief as was that moment, however, during which +Quin had lingered behind, he had made the shift suggested by Lorns; +the silk trunk was under the river, a strange trunk stood in its +stead. As the chief returned, he walked straight to this suspected +trunk and tipped it down with his foot. Then to Quin: + +"Ask Lorns to step here." + +Quin went questing after Lorns; shortly Lorns and Quin came back +together. The chief turned in a brisk, sharp, official way to Lorns: + +"Did you inspect this trunk?" + +"I did," said Lorns, looking at the chalk marks as if to make sure. + +"Open it!" + +No keys were procurable; the owners, Lorns said, had long since left +the docks. But Lorns suggested that he get hammer and cold chisel from +the ship. + +The trunk was opened and found free and innocent of aught contraband. +The chief wore a puzzled, dark look; he felt that he'd been cheated, +but he couldn't say how. Therefore being wise, the chief gulped, said +nothing, and as life is short and he had many things to do, soon +after left the docks and went his way. + +"That was a squeak!" said Lorns when we were at last free of the +dangerous chief. "Quin, I thank you." + +"That's all right," retorted Quin, with a grin; "do as much for me +some time." + +That night, with the aid of a river rat, our trunk, jettisoned by the +excellent Quin, was fished up; and being tight as a drum, its contents +had come to little harm with their sudden baptism. At last, our dozen +silk trunks--holding a treasure of thirty thousand dollars and whereon +we looked to clear a heavy profit--were safe in the Reade Street loft; +and my hasty heart, which had been beating at double speed since that +almost fatal interference, slowed to normal count. + +One might now suppose that our woes were at an end, all danger over, +and nothing to do but dispose of our shimmering cargo to best +advantage. Harris and I were of that spirit-lifting view; we began on +the very next day to feel about for customers. + +Harris, whose former smuggling exploits had dealt solely with gems, +knew as little of silk as did I. Had either been expert we might have +foreseen a coming peril into whose arms we in our blindness all but +walked. No, my children, our troubles were not yet done. We had +escaped the engulfing suck of Charybdis, only to be darted upon by +those six grim mouths of her sister monster, Scylla, over the way. + +Well do I recall that morning. I had seen but two possible purchasers +of silks when Harris overtook me. His eye shone with alarm. Lorns had +run him down with the news--however he himself discovered it, I never +knew--that another peril was yawning. Harris hurried me to our Reade +Street lair and gave particulars. + +"It seems," said Harris, quite out of breath with the speed we'd made +in hunting cover, "that A.T. Stewart is for America the sole agent of +these particular brands of silk which we've brought in. Some one to +whom we've offered them has notified the Stewart company. At this +moment and as we sit here, the detectives belonging to Stewart, and +for all I may guess, the whole Central Office as well, are on our +track. They want to discover who has these silks; and how they came +in, since the customs records show no such importations. And there's a +dark characteristic to these silks. Each bolt has its peculiar, +individual selvage. Each, with a sample of its selvage, is registered +at the home looms. Could anyone get a snip of a selvage he could +return with it to Lyons, learn from the manufacturers' book just when +it was woven, when sold, and to whom. I can tell you one thing," +observed Harris, as he concluded his story, "we're in a bad corner." + +How the cold drops spangled my brows! I began to wish with much heart +that I'd never met Harris; nor heard, that Trinity churchyard day, of +Cornbury and his devious smuggling methods of gathering wealth. + +There was one ray of hope; neither Harris nor I had disclosed our +names, nor the whereabouts or quantity of the silks; and as each had +been dealing with folk with whom he'd never before met, we were both +as yet mysteries unsolved. Nor were we ever solved. Harris and I kept +off the streets during daylight hours for a full month. We were not +utterly idle; we unpleasantly employed ourselves in trimming away that +tell-tale selvage. Preferring safety to profit, we put forth no +efforts to realize on our speculations for almost a year. By that time +the one day's wonder of "Who's got A.T. Stewart's silks?" had ceased +to disturb the mercantile world and the grand procession of dry goods +interest had passed on and over it. At last we crept forth like +felons--as of good sooth! we were--and disposed of our mutilated silks +to certain good folk whose forefathers once ruled Palestine. These +beaky gentry liked bargains, and were in nowise curious; they bought +our wares without lifting an eyebrow of inquiry, and from them +constructed--though with that I had no concern--those long +"circulars," so called, which were the feminine joy a third of a +century gone. As to Harris and myself; what with delays, what with +expenses, what with figures reduced to dispose of our plunder, we got +evenly out. We got back our money; but for those fear-shaken hours of +two separate perils, we were never paid. + +For myself, I smuggled no more. Still, I did not relinquish my pious +purpose to despoil that public treasury Egyptian quoted heretofore. +Neither did I give up the Customs as a rich theater of illicit +endeavor. Only my methods changed. I now decided that I, myself, would +become an Inspector, like unto the useful Lorns, and make my fortune +from the opulent inside. I procured the coveted appointment, for I +could bring power to bear, and some future day I'll tell you of "The +Emperor's Cigars." + + + + + + + + +End of Project Gutenberg's The Onlooker, Volume 1, Part 2, by Various + +*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK THE ONLOOKER, VOLUME 1, PART 2 *** + +***** This file should be named 16680.txt or 16680.zip ***** +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: + https://www.gutenberg.org/1/6/6/8/16680/ + +Produced by Bill Tozier, Barbara Tozier, Diane Monico, and the Online +Distributed Proofreading Team at https://www.pgdp.net + + +Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions +will be renamed. + +Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no +one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation +(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without +permission and without paying copyright royalties. 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