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<pre>
The Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 158,
June 30th, 1920, by Various
This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with
almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or
re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included
with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org
Title: Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 158, June 30th, 1920
Author: Various
Release Date: September 4, 2005 [EBook #16640]
Language: English
Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1
*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH ***
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Distributed Proofreading Team at https://www.pgdp.net
</pre>
<h1>PUNCH,<br />
OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.</h1>
<h2>Vol. 158.</h2>
<hr class="full" />
<h2>June 30th, 1920.</h2>
<hr class="full" />
<span class="pagenum"><a name="page501" id="page501"></a>[pg 501]</span>
<h2>CHARIVARIA.</h2>
<p>Fewer births are recorded in Ireland during the past seven months. No
surprise can be felt, for we cannot imagine anybody being born in Ireland
on purpose just now.</p>
<hr class="short" />
<p>A London firm are now manufacturing what they call the smallest
motor-car on the market. How great a boon this will be to the general
public will be gathered from the report that one of these cars has been
knocked down by a pedestrian.</p>
<hr class="short" />
<p>According to a Sunday paper <font class="sc">Mustapha Kemal</font>
wants as soldiers only those who will die for their belief in his cause.
Previous experience is not essential.</p>
<hr class="short" />
<p>Citizens of Ealing have protested against Sunday concerts unless
Sunday bathing is also permitted. The pre-war custom of merely sponging
the ears after attending a recital was never wholly satisfactory.</p>
<hr class="short" />
<p>According to an inscription on the score card of the North Berwick
Club, "golf is a science in which you may exhaust yourself but never your
subject." Several clubs, however, claim to possess colonels who can say
practically all that is worth saying about the game without stopping to
get their second wind.</p>
<hr class="short" />
<p>Girls have broadened out a lot, declared a speaker at the annual
conference of the Head-mistresses' Association. The home-made jumper, it
appears, has been coming in for a good deal of unmerited blame.</p>
<hr class="short" />
<p>A middle-aged man was charged at the Thames Police Court the other day
with having an altercation with a lamp-post. It appears that the man
called the lamp-post "Pussyfoot," and the latter promptly knocked him
down.</p>
<hr class="short" />
<p>Special courts, it is stated, are to be set up for the trial of Irish
criminals. The need, we gather, is for some machinery by which the trial
can be conducted in the absence of the prisoner.</p>
<hr class="short" />
<p>"I have put in a good three months in the garden," Mr. <font
class="sc">Smillie</font> told a reporter, on his return to London, "and
have coaxed some nice red roses out." Coaxing the nice red miners out is
comparatively easy work.</p>
<hr class="short" />
<p>On a question of equipment Ashford Fire Brigade has resigned. It is
not known yet whether local fires will go out in sympathy with the
Brigade.</p>
<hr class="short" />
<p>Letchworth, the first Garden City, has voted itself dry by a majority
of sixty-five. There seems to be a lack of hospitality in this attempt to
discourage American visitors.</p>
<hr class="short" />
<p>The latest news from Turkey, Russia and Ireland sets us wondering what
the War made the world safe for.</p>
<hr class="short" />
<p>Ants, we are informed, will not come near the hands of a person if
well rubbed with a raw onion. The last time we attempted to rub an ant
with a raw onion he broke away and made a dash for the hills.</p>
<hr class="short" />
<p><i>The Chicago Tribune</i> points out that two attempts have been made
on the life of the <font class="sc">ex-Kaiser</font>. It is hoped that he
will realise that it would be a breach of etiquette to get assassinated
before the Allies have decided what is to be done with him.</p>
<hr class="short" />
<p>We understand that one of the New Poor who recently found a burglar in
his house searching for money immediately offered the intruder ten per
cent. if he proved successful.</p>
<hr class="short" />
<p>Referring to the report in these columns last week that two
bricklayers were seen to remove their coats at Finsbury Park, we now hear
that it was simply done to oblige a photographer who was understood to
have been sent down by Dr. <font class="sc">Addison</font>.</p>
<hr class="short" />
<p>Among the articles left in trains on a South Coast railway is a
sandwich. Unless claimed within three days we understand that it will be
broken up and sold to defray expenses.</p>
<hr />
<h2>IMPORTANT NOTICE.</h2>
<p>Mr. Punch begs leave to draw the attention of the Intelligent Public
to the fact that on Monday next, July 5th, he proposes to publish a
Special Summer Number. All his previous Summer Numbers have appeared in
the form of an ordinary weekly issue, with additional holiday and other
matter. This is a Special Summer Number, altogether distinct from the
weekly issue. It will contain thirty-six pages, almost entirely made up
of drawings, and including several pages of illustrations in three
colours. Mr. Punch has great pleasure in inviting his friends to
encourage him in this new venture.</p>
<hr />
<div class="figcenter" style="width:50%;">
<a href="images/476.png"><img width="100%" src="images/476.png"
alt="THE GORGEOUS UNIFORMS OF THE PAST" /></a>
<p>THE GORGEOUS UNIFORMS OF THE PAST MAY BE RE-INTRODUCED INTO THE
ARMY; BUT, IF SO, THE CINEMA ATTENDANT WILL NOT GIVE IN WITHOUT A
STRUGGLE.</p>
</div>
<hr />
<h4>Our Enterprising Contemporaries.</h4>
<blockquote>
<p>"<font class="sc">News by Wire and Air.</font></p>
<p>To-day is the longest day."—"<i>Daily Mail</i>," <i>June
21st</i>.</p>
</blockquote>
<hr class="short" />
<h4>The Expansion of Scotland.</h4>
<blockquote>
<p>"The most interesting features of the vital statistics of Scotland....
The girth-rate was higher than those of all first quarters since
1891.—<i>Daily Paper.</i></p>
</blockquote>
<hr class="short" />
<h4>Our Merry Municipalities.</h4>
<blockquote>
<p>"—— TOWN COUNCIL.</p>
<p><font class="sc">Minutes for Monday's Meeting.</font></p>
<p><font class="sc">More Increases of Wags.</font>"—<i>Provincial
Paper.</i></p>
</blockquote>
<hr class="short" />
<h4>Threatened Unrest at the Zoo.</h4>
<blockquote>
<p>"Mr. Churchill has made up his mind, but if he gets his way every
tadpole and tapir will take it as a precedent."—<i>Daily
News.</i></p>
</blockquote>
<hr class="short" />
<blockquote>
<p>"In a driving competition Ray drove 723 yards, one
inch."—<i>South African Paper.</i></p>
</blockquote>
<p>Another inch, and we should have refused to believe it.</p>
<hr class="short" />
<blockquote>
<p>"<font class="sc">Wilson would Take Mandate over America.</font></p>
<p><font class="sc">Washington</font>, May 25.—President Wilson
Monday asked authority from Congress for the United States to accept a
mandate over Armenia.—<i>Canadian Paper.</i></p>
</blockquote>
<p>But there is no reason to believe that the headline is inaccurate.</p>
<hr />
<span class="pagenum"><a name="page502" id="page502"></a>[pg 502]</span>
<h2>HOLIDAY ANTICIPATIONS.</h2>
<blockquote>
<p>[Now that holiday-planning is in season we have pleasure in announcing
a few proposed schemes for the recreation of some of the mighty brains
that shape our destinies and guide our groping intelligences. But it must
be clearly understood that in these inconstant times we cannot vouch for
their authenticity or guarantee fulfilment.]</p>
</blockquote>
<p><font class="sc">Mr. Asquith's</font> recent success in spotting the
winner of the Derby is believed to have inspired Mr. <font
class="sc">Lloyd George</font> with an idea of combining his present
policy of always going one, if not two or three, better than the Old Man
with a public demonstration of the extent to which the crude Puritanism
of his youth has been mellowed by sympathies more in keeping with his
later political alliances. He is credited with the intention of putting
to appropriate use his peculiar gifts of non-committal prophecy and
persuasive casuistry, and at the same time making sure of a profitable
holiday in the open air by "doing" the Sussex Fortnight, beginning with
the Goodwood meeting, in the capacity of Downy Dave, a race-course
tipster.</p>
<hr class="short" />
<p>There is reason to believe that, if the Recess should afford Sir <font
class="sc">William Sutherland</font> an opportunity to indulge his
craving for the Simple Life, he will proceed to Italy to join the coterie
of ascetics known as the Assisi Set. His conspicuous ability in telling
the tale to the London Pressmen encourages expectations that he will be
no less successful as a preacher to the birds, after the manner of St.
<font class="sc">Francis</font>, the founder of the cult.</p>
<hr class="short" />
<p>In financial circles it is expected that Mr. <font
class="sc">Chamberlain</font> will spend the vacation <i>incognito</i> in
the neighbourhood of Blackpool, partly for the sake of the invigorating
air, but mainly, in view of the abnormal prosperity of Lancashire, for
the purpose of considering on the spot the possibilities of a levy on
capital as a local experiment.</p>
<hr class="short" />
<p>A rumour is current in Whitehall, and gains colour from the activity
in certain seaports, that, in consequence of Earl <font
class="sc">Curzon's</font> having been informed that the number of
Channel-swimmers is likely to be unusually large this summer, his
lordship has decided to take command of a fleet of Foreign Office
launches, which will patrol the coast to make sure that none of these
persons is unprovided with a passport.</p>
<hr class="short" />
<p>At Unity House a suspicion is entertained that Sir <font
class="sc">Eric Geddes</font> contemplates utilising the holidays for the
double purpose of working off superfluous steam and familiarizing himself
with the true attitude of the railwaymen by working as a stoker on one of
the great main lines. Should this scheme be carried into effect
arrangements are in readiness to compel him to become a member of the
N.U.R.</p>
<hr class="short" />
<p>It is hoped that Mr. <font class="sc">Augustus John</font> will be
able to accompany Lord <font class="sc">Beaverbrook</font> to Canada this
summer, so that his lordship may gratify his lifelong ambition to be
painted by Mr. <font class="sc">John</font>, with the primeval backwoods
for a setting, in the character of a <i>coureur-des-bois</i>, of the type
immortalized by Sir <font class="sc">Gilbert Parker</font> in
<i>Pierre</i>.</p>
<hr class="short" />
<p>As far as can be ascertained, Mr. <font class="sc">Bernard Shaw</font>
intends to devote the holidays to verifying the report of his namesake,
Mr. <font class="sc">Tom Shaw</font> (with whom he has been stupidly
confused), on the Bolshevik <i>régime</i>. He will probably enter Russia
secretly, accompanied by a mixed party of vegetarian Fabians disguised as
Muscovites, so that in the event of being denounced as Boorjoos they may
hope to pass for returning Dukhobors, or, in case of detection, for an
amateur theatrical company touring with <i>Labour's Love's Lost</i>.</p>
<hr class="short" />
<p>We understand that Lords <font class="sc">Lonsdale</font> and <font
class="sc">Birkenhead</font> are making arrangements for a joint trip to
Cuba, in order to investigate personally the condition and prospects of
the Havana leaf industry. It will not be surprising if this visit bears
fruit in the shape of the eighteen-inch super-cigar which sporting men
have been for so long demanding.</p>
<hr />
<h2>ON THE EATING OF ASPARAGUS.</h2>
<p>There were twenty-three ways of eating asparagus known to the
ancients. Of these the best known method was to suspend it on pulleys
about three feet from the ground and "approach the green" on one's back
along the floor; but it was discontinued about the middle of the fourth
century, and no new method worthy of serious consideration was
subsequently evolved, till the August or September of 1875, when a Mr.
Gunter-Brown wrote a letter to the <i>A.A.R.</i> (<i>The Asparagus
Absorbers' Review and Gross Feeders' Gazette</i>), saying that he had
patented a scheme more cleanly and less unsightly than the practice of
tilting the head backward at an angle of forty-five degrees and lowering
the asparagus into the expectant face, which is shown by statistics to
have been the mode usually adopted at that time.</p>
<p>Mr. Gunter-Brown's apparatus, necessary to the method he advocated,
consisted of a silver or plated tube, into which each branch of
asparagus, except the last inch, was placed, and so drawn into the mouth
by suction, the eater grasping the last uneatable inch, together with the
butt end of the tube, in the palm of his hand. Asparagus branches being
of variable girth, a rubber washer inserted in the end of the tube
furthest from the eater's mouth helped to cause a vacuum.</p>
<p>The inventor claimed that the edible portion of the delicacy became
detached if the intake of the eater was strong enough, but he overlooked
the fact that the necessary force caused the asparagus to pass through
the epiglottis into the œsophagus before the eater had time to enjoy
the taste (as was proved by experiment) and so all sense of pleasure was
lost.</p>
<p>More prospective marriages have been marred through the abuse of
asparagus at table than through mixed bathing at Tunbridge Wells. For
instance, though the matter was hushed up at the time, it is an open
secret among their friends that Miss Gladys Devereux broke off her
engagement to young Percy Gore-Mont on account of his <i>gaucherie</i>
when assimilating this weed at a dinner-party. It seems that he simply
threw himself at the stuff, and that one of the servants had to comb the
melted butter out of his hair before he could appear in the
drawing-room.</p>
<p>The case of the Timminses, too, presents very sad features, though the
marriage was not in this case abandoned, the high contracting parties not
having once encountered a dish of asparagus simultaneously during the
engagement. Yet it is more than rumoured that when, at the end of the
close season, asparagus may be hunted, there is considerable friction in
the Timminses' household, because Mrs. Timmins plays with a straight
fork, while Timmins affects the crouching style.</p>
<p>Happily, however, a light at last appears to be shining through the
darkness. Under the auspices of the Vegetable Growers Association (Luxury
Trades section) an asparagus eating contest has been arranged to take
place in the Floral Hall early in July. As the entrants to date include a
contortionist and at least three well-known war-profiteers it is
confidently expected that some startling methods will be exhibited which
may revolutionise asparagus-eating in this country.</p>
<hr />
<blockquote>
<p>"<font class="sc">Dunoon.</font>—Sitting room and two bedrooms
to let for month of Dunoon."—<i>Scotch Paper.</i></p>
</blockquote>
<p>We welcome the introduction of "rhyming slang" to brighten up the
advertisement columns.</p>
<hr />
<span class="pagenum"><a name="page503" id="page503"></a>[pg 503]</span>
<div class="figcenter" style="width:100%;">
<a href="images/478.png"><img width="100%" src="images/478.png"
alt="PARADISE LOST AGAIN?" /></a>
<h3>PARADISE LOST AGAIN?</h3>
<p><font class="sc">Mr. Asquith</font> (<i>to John Bull</i>). "OF
COURSE MESOPOTAMIA IS A BEAUTIFUL PLACE, AND NO ONE HAS EVER BEEN
ANXIOUS TO VACATE THE GARDEN OF EDEN; BUT YOU MUST REFLECT THAT THE
COST OF ITS UPKEEP HAS INCREASED ENORMOUSLY SINCE ADAM'S TIME."</p>
</div>
<hr />
<span class="pagenum"><a name="page504" id="page504"></a>[pg 504]</span>
<div class="figcenter" style="width:100%;">
<a href="images/479.png"><img width="100%" src="images/479.png"
alt="Howdy, Bo?" /></a>
<p><i>Lady of the Manor.</i> "<font class="sc">Howdy, Bo? Sit right
down. I sure hope you're feeling full of pep! Excuse me, Vicar, but I'm
practising a few phrases so that in case I meet any of this American
invasion I can make them feel at home.</font>"</p>
</div>
<hr />
<h2>A NOTE ON CHESTERFIELDS.</h2>
<p>In the Soviet Republic of Russia, I am told, no one can lay claim to
the title of worker unless his hands are hardened and roughened by toil,
and <font class="sc">Lenin</font> and <font class="sc">Trotsky</font>
have to take their turns at the rack, like the commonest executioner. In
England we are not nearly so particular about the manual test, and,
besides feeling quite kindly disposed towards professional footballers,
tea-tasters and the men who stand on Cornish cliffs and shout when they
see the pilchard shoals come in, we still give a certain amount of credit
to mere brain-work as well.</p>
<p>There is, however, a poisonous idea prevalent, especially amongst the
women of this country, that a fellow is not working with his brain unless
he is walking rapidly up and down the room with wrinkles on his forehead,
or sitting on a hard chair at a table with a file of papers in front of
him. But there is no rule of this sort about the birth of great and
beautiful ideas in the human brain. It is all a matter of individual
taste and habit. I know a man, a poet, who thinks best on the Underground
Railway, and that is the reason why he said the other day, "Give me to
gaze once more on the blue hills," to the girl in the booking-office,
when what he really wanted was a ticket (of a light heliotrope colour) to
St. James's Park. Lord <font class="sc">Byron</font>, on the other hand,
composed a sorrowful ditty on the decadence of the Isles of Greece whilst
shaving; but the invention of the safety-razor and the energetic action
of M. <font class="sc">Venizelos</font> will most likely render it
unnecessary for anyone to repeat such a performance. As for the people
who have a sudden bright idea whilst they are dressing for dinner, they
may be dismissed at once, for they nearly always go to bed by mistake
and, when they wake up again extremely hungry, they have forgotten what
it was.</p>
<p>Most experts are really agreed that a recumbent or semi-recumbent
position is the best for creative thought, and another friend of mine,
also a maker of verses, has patented the very ingenious device of a pair
of stirrups just under the mantelshelf, so that, when he sits back in his
armchair, he can manage his Pegasus without having his feet continually
slipping off the marble surface into the fender.</p>
<p>Much may be said too for a seat in a first-class railway carriage,
when you have the compartment all to yourself and the train is going at
sixty miles an hour or more. But England is hardly spacious enough for a
really sustained inspiration; and the result of being turned out suddenly
at Thurso, N.B., or Penzance is that some opening flower of the human
intellect fails to achieve its perfect bloom, and as likely as not your
golf clubs are left in the rack.</p>
<p>There is also, of course, an influential school which believes
strongly in the early morning tea hour, and people who ought to know tell
me that Mr. <font class="sc">Winston Churchill</font> plans new uniforms
for the Guards as well as the campaign in Mesopotamia with pink pyjamas
on, and that the <font class="sc">Prime Minister</font> can never be
persuaded to get up for breakfast until he has hit on a few of those
striking repartees which <span class="pagenum"><a name="page505"
id="page505"></a>[pg 505]</span> are subsequently translated by his posse
of interpreters into Russian, Italian, Bohemian and Erse.</p>
<p>For my part, however, I swear by a Chesterfield sofa, a large one, on
which you can lie at full length, as I am lying now; the most comfortable
thing there is on earth, I think, except perhaps a truss of hay, when one
has been riding for about six consecutive hours in an army saddle. But
there are disadvantages even about a Chesterfield sofa. It is, to begin
with, in the drawing-room and in the drawing-room one is not so entirely
immune from the trivial incidents of everyday life as I like to be when I
am having brain-waves. Doors are opened and this creates a draught, and
it is not the slightest use attempting a real work of imagination when
people will come in and ask if I am lying on <i>The Literary
Supplement</i> of <i>The Times</i> (as if it were likely), or the
anti-aircraft gun that the children were playing with after lunch. For
this reason I have had to invent an even better thing than the ordinary
Chesterfield sofa, and since it will be, when made, the noblest piece of
scientific upholstery in the world I will ask the printer to write the
next sentence in italics, please.</p>
<p><i>It is a Chesterfield sofa enclosed on all four sides.</i> Thank
you.</p>
<p>The marvels of this receptacle for human thought will dawn upon the
reader by slow degrees. Try to imagine yourself ensconced there, having
climbed up by the short flight of steps which will be attached to it,
enisled and remote amidst the surging traffic that sweeps through a
drawing-room. Instead of making a rapid bolt to escape from callers and
probably meeting them full tilt in the hall, you simply stay on,
thinking. You have nothing to fear from them, unless they are so
inquisitive and ill-mannered as to come and peep over the edge. With
plenty of tobacco, a writing tablet and a fountain-pen, you can stare at
the anaglypta ceiling and dream noble thoughts and put them down when you
like without interruption. On sunny days the apparatus can be wheeled on
to the balcony, where the sapphire sky will be exchanged for the
anaglypta ceiling; and for winter use a metal base will be supplied,
under which you can place either an oil-stove or an electric
radiator.</p>
<p>I should like to see this four-sided Chesterfield in offices also. The
master-strokes of commercial and administrative skill would be much more
masterly with most people if they did not have to proceed from a hard
office chair. You can easily dictate to a typist from the interior of a
Chesterfield, and, though I know that business men and Government
officials are often subjected to deputations, during which they have to
look their persecutors in the face, this difficulty could be overcome by
means of a sliding panel, through which the face of the recumbent
administrator could be poked when necessary, wearing the proper
expression of shrewdness, terror, conciliation or rage. I should like Sir
<font class="sc">Eric Geddes</font> to have one of my four-sided
Chesterfields.</p>
<p>With his usual sagacity the reader will probably remark here that the
four-sided Chesterfield can be procured ready-made at any moment by
turning the usual article round and pushing it up against the wall. This
point has not escaped notice, my friend. But you can hardly imagine the
objections that will be urged by the female members of your household
against adopting such a course in the drawing-room. They will assert,
amongst other things, that Mrs. Ponsonby-Smith is on the point of
arriving and that she will think you've done it on purpose.</p>
<p>I shall have the upholsterer in to-morrow.</p>
<p class="author"><font class="sc">Evoe.</font></p>
<hr />
<div class="figcenter" style="width:66%;">
<a href="images/480.png"><img width="100%" src="images/480.png"
alt="Any interesting cases coming on?" /></a>
<p><i>Gladys.</i> "<font class="sc">Have you any interesting cases
coming on, Sir Charles?</font>"</p>
<p><i>Eminent K.C.</i> "<font class="sc">We have a very intricate and
technical case coming on—most interesting. It turns on the
question whether a certain subterranean conduit should be classified as
a drain or a sewer.</font>"</p>
<p><i>Gladys.</i> "<font class="sc">Oh, but why not ask a
plumber?</font>"</p>
</div>
<hr />
<span class="pagenum"><a name="page506" id="page506"></a>[pg 506]</span>
<h2>DEDICATIONS.</h2>
<p><font class="sc">Mr. Compton Mackenzie</font> has found it necessary
to state publicly in a dedication that his books have not been written by
his sister.</p>
<p>The following extracts are taken from possible future dedications by
various authors:—</p>
<p class="center"><i>Mr. <font class="sc">H.G. Wells</font> to the Bishop of
<font class="sc">London</font>.</i></p>
<p>As I have seen it stated in various journals that you are the author
of my book, <i>The Soul of a Bishop</i>, I hereby take the opportunity of
informing your Lordship most definitely and emphatically that you are
<i>not</i>. That book and also <i>The Passionate Friends</i> were written
without any assistance from the episcopal bench. To avoid future
misunderstanding I may say that all my books are written by myself. If at
any time it is suggested that any publication of your Lordship has been
written by me, I shall be glad if you will immediately issue a
contradiction.</p>
<p class="center"><i>Mr. <font class="sc">Bernard Shaw</font> to the Editor of
"The Morning Post."</i></p>
<p>You have not written my books. You have not written my plays. Any
statement to the contrary is an infamous falsehood. No one else, dead or
alive, could ever have written anything which I have written. When I have
become an imbecile, which is not likely to happen yet, as I am a
vegetarian and do not read your rag, it will be time enough for other
people to lay claim to my work. Nor have I ever assisted you in
conducting that which you call a paper, nor have I ever written an
editorial for its columns. Please let this matter have your futile
attention.</p>
<p class="center"><i>Miss <font class="sc">Daisy Ashford</font> to Lord
<font class="sc">Haldane</font>.</i></p>
<p>If I did not believe your Lordship to be really innosent I should be
very vexed with you. But let me explain. I have heard it said in reliable
quarters that you are the auther of <i>The Young Visiters</i>. Oh, my
Lord! my Lord! I thought everybody knew by now that no one helped me even
to spell a word. I have read your Lordship's books with pleasure and of
course realise their promise. But it is all very diferent stuff from
<i>The Young Visiters</i>. Please in the future disclaim all credit for
giving me my idears, and in return I can assure you that your skemes for
the better education of the people shall have my enthoosiastic
suport.</p>
<p class="center"><i>Mr. <font class="sc">Arnold Bennett</font> to The Man
in the Street.</i></p>
<p>The last thing that I wish is that you should he misunderstood; all my
life I have laboured to explain you to yourself. That my explanation has
pleased you is shown by the fact that you buy my books. But you have
commenced to give yourself airs, my man, and it is time you were put in
your place. My books are so much to your taste that you have been led to
believe yourself the author. Now please understand my books are written
<i>for</i> you and not <i>by</i> you. You merely exist—thanks to
me—and pay. I have been told that I once wrote a book called <i>The
Old Wives' Tale</i>. If so, that was in earlier days, and you have long
since forgiven me. And do you not owe me something for <i>The Pretty
Lady</i>? Have I not shown you that your love is both sacred and profane?
As I have enough to contend with from those who care for literature I
hope any further word from me on this subject will be unnecessary.</p>
<p class="center"><i>Mrs. <font class="sc">Florence Barclay</font> to Lord
<font class="sc">Fisher</font>.</i></p>
<p>The phenomenal success of our recent volumes has, I understand, led a
certain section of our public to believe that you are the author of
several of my books. In particular it has been stated that <i>The
Rosary</i> was written by your Lordship. As you know, I have a great
respect for the aristocracy, and I do not suggest that you have
deliberately put yourself forward as the author of my books. You will,
however, understand me when I say that only your Lordship could express
all that I feel about the matter. The mixing up of our identities is
probably explained by the fact that we are both stylists and seekers for
the <i>mot juste</i>. Will you please assist me in making it clear that
we work independently? As I am staying in a country parsonage and it is
our custom to read one another's letters over the breakfast-table, I
shall be glad if any reply you may wish to make should be sent to the
Editor of <i>The Times</i>.</p>
<p class="center"><i>Sir <font class="sc">Arthur Conan Doyle</font> to Sir
<font class="sc">Oliver Lodge</font>.</i></p>
<p>Our common concern with the life beyond has become so well known that
our interests in this present life are in danger of becoming involved. In
a volume of <i>Sherlock Holmes</i> stories recently purchased abroad I
find you described as the author, and another book assures me that I have
written extensively on the Atomic Theory. You will, I am sure, see the
harm which I am likely to suffer through such mistakes. Nor does the
confusion end here. I find that my novel, <i>The Hound of the
Baskervilles</i>, is now stated to be by Sir <font class="sc">Conan
Lodge</font>, and another book of mine, <i>The Lost World</i>, to be by
Sir <font class="sc">Oliver Doyle</font>. Also I have seen myself
described as "The Principal of Birmingham University," and yourself as
the well-known detective of Baker Street. May I solicit your aid in
helping me to suppress any further confusion of our respective genii? My
best wishes to you and the good work.</p>
<hr />
<h3>LABOUR-SAVING.</h3>
<blockquote>
<p>["Electric bore, one man, portable."—<i>Trade Journal</i>.]</p>
</blockquote>
<div class="poem">
<div class="stanza">
<p>Though not a scientific bean</p>
<p>I am occasionally seen</p>
<p>Scanning a technic magazine.</p>
</div>
<div class="stanza">
<p>I love to learn of any wheeze</p>
<p>Wherewith to win by quick degrees</p>
<p>A rich sufficiency of ease.</p>
</div>
<div class="stanza">
<p>And so it thrilled me to the core</p>
<p>To read the phrase, "Electric bore,"</p>
<p>And think of happy days in store.</p>
</div>
<div class="stanza">
<p>In former times I'd often start</p>
<p>Abroad with eagerness of heart</p>
<p>To patronise dramatic art;</p>
</div>
<div class="stanza">
<p>Only at curtain's fall to come</p>
<p>Homeward again, dejected, glum,</p>
<p>And overwhelmed by tedium.</p>
</div>
<div class="stanza">
<p>With <i>ennui</i> verging on distress</p>
<p>I'd witnessed from the circle (dress)</p>
<p>Some transatlantic <font class="sc">huge success</font>;</p>
</div>
<div class="stanza">
<p>Or else some play of Irish life,</p>
<p>Ending with father, son and wife</p>
<p>Impaled upon a single knife;</p>
</div>
<div class="stanza">
<p>Or haply I had chanced to choose</p>
<p>Some even surer source of blues,</p>
<p>One of the things they call revues.</p>
</div>
<div class="stanza">
<p>But now those times are passed away;</p>
<p>Electric bores have come to stay;</p>
<p>I mean to purchase one to-day.</p>
</div>
<div class="stanza">
<p>I don't know how it works, but an</p>
<p>Authority declares it can</p>
<p>Be guided by a single man.</p>
</div>
<div class="stanza">
<p>I have in mind a little niche</p>
<p>Beside my study window which</p>
<p>Will just accommodate the switch.</p>
</div>
<div class="stanza">
<p>Henceforth abroad no more I'll roam,</p>
<p>But turn it on at evening's gloam</p>
<p>And yawn my time away at home.</p>
</div>
</div>
<hr />
<h4>Our Go-ahead Municipalities.</h4>
<blockquote>
<p>"Visitors to —— this summer need not fear want of
recreation, for the Urban Council on Wednesday granted an application by
Mr. —— for leave to place an additional donkey on the
beach."—<i>Provincial Paper.</i></p>
</blockquote>
<hr class="short" />
<blockquote>
<p>"Mr. Taylor, who had relieved Mr. Higgins, here had the misfortune to
see Seymour badly hit over the right eye on attempting to hook one of his
rising deliveries."—<i>Daily Paper.</i></p>
</blockquote>
<p><font class="sc">Seymour</font>, we understand, sympathised warmly
with Mr. <font class="sc">Taylor</font> over this piece of bad luck.</p>
<hr />
<span class="pagenum"><a name="page507" id="page507"></a>[pg 507]</span>
<div class="figcenter" style="width:100%;">
<a href="images/482.png"><img width="100%" src="images/482.png"
alt="MANNERS AND MODES." /></a>
<h3>MANNERS AND MODES.</h3>
<p>DARBY AND JOAN (FOR THE PREVAILING EPIDEMIC SPARES NEITHER AGE NOR
VIRTUE) FAIL TO FIND THE WINNER OF THE 2.30.</p>
</div>
<hr />
<span class="pagenum"><a name="page508" id="page508"></a>[pg 508]</span>
<div class="figcenter" style="width:50%;">
<a href="images/483.png"><img width="100%" src="images/483.png"
alt="AT WIMBLEDON." /></a>
<p class="center">AT WIMBLEDON.</p>
<p><i>Umpire.</i> "<font class="sc">Forty, thirty, Slasher</font>."</p>
<p><i>Diana</i> (<i>fresh from Ascot</i>). "<font class="sc">Put me
thirty shillings on</font>."</p>
</div>
<hr />
<h2>A DOG'S LIFE.</h2>
<p>The life of a public man is a dog's life. I don't know why a dog's
life should be the type and summit of unpleasantness in lives; for myself
I should have thought it was rather a good life; no clothes to buy and no
shortage of smells; but there it is. The reason is perhaps that a dog
spends most of his day just finding a really good smell and being
diverted from it by something else, a loud whistle in front or a
motor-bicycle or another smell. He rushes off then after the whistler or
the motor-bicycle or the new smell, missing all kinds of good smells on
the way and never getting the cream of the old one. And that is like the
day of the public man.</p>
<p>He sits up in bed in the morning, having his breakfast and thinking
over the smells he is going to have during the day. There is an enormous
choice. The whole of the bed is covered with papers; there are tables on
either side of the bed covered with papers, letters and memoranda, and
agenda and minutes and constituents' grievances, and charitable appeals
and ordinary begs. When he moves his foot there is a great crackling, and
the surface papers float off into the air and are wafted about the room.
Each paper represents a different smell. He is going to make a speech to
the Bottle-Washers' Union at 11 <font class="sc">a.m.</font> and he is
reading the notes of his speech; but before that he has got to introduce
a deputation of Fish-Friers to the <font class="sc">Home Secretary</font>
at ten and he is trying to find out what the Fish-Friers are after. But
the telephone-bell keeps on ringing and the papers keep on floating away,
and the papers about the Fish-Friers keep mixing themselves up with the
papers about the Bottle-Washers, and the valet keeps coming in to say
that the bath is prepared or the hosier has come, so that it is all very
difficult.</p>
<p>All his family ring him up, and all the people who were at the meeting
last night and were not quite satisfied with the terms of the Resolution,
and all the people who are interested in Fish-Frying and Bottle-Washing,
and all the people who want him to make a speech at Cardiff next year,
and several newspapers who would like to interview him about the Sewers
and Drains Bill, and a man whose uncle has not yet been demobilised, and
a lady whose first-born son would like to be President of the Board of
Trade as soon as it can be arranged. Meanwhile people begin to drift into
the room. The Private Secretary drifts in with a despatch-case, full of
new smells and some old ones; and the valet drifts in to say that the
bath is still prepared, and a haircutter and a man from the shirt-makers,
and the Secretary of the Fish-Friers, who has looked in for a quiet talk
about the situation.</p>
<p>When they are all ready for their quiet talks the public man decides
that it is time he got up; he leaps out of bed and rushes out of the room
and shaves and baths and does his exercises very very quickly. Then he
rushes back and has a talk with the <font class="sc">Home
Secretary</font> on the telephone while he is drying his ears. When his
ears are nice and dry he rings off and ties his tie, meanwhile dictating
a nasty letter to <i>The Times</i> about the Scavengers (Minimum Wage)
(Scotland) No. 2 Bill. In the middle of this letter two new crises
arise—(1) The <font class="sc">Home Secretary's</font> Private
Secretary's Secretary rings up and says that the Fish-Friers' deputation
is postponed till 11 <font class="sc">a.m.</font> because of a Cabinet
Meeting about the new war. (2) The Assistant-Secretary to the <font
class="sc">Prime Minister's</font> Principal Secretary's Secretary rings
up and says that the <font class="sc">Prime Minister</font> can see the
public man for ten seconds at one minute past eleven. It is now clear
that the Bottle-Washers and the Fish-Friers and the <font
class="sc">Prime Minister</font> are going to clash pretty badly, and a
scene of intense confusion takes place. The public man runs about the
room in his shirt-sleeves smelling distractedly at the papers on the
floor and on the bed and everywhere else. Some of the papers he throws at
the Private Secretary and tells him to write a memorandum about them, and
go and see the War Office about them and have six copies made of them.
Most of them, however, he just throws on the floor or hides away in a
dressing-gown where the Private Secretary won't find them; this is the
only way of making sure of a permanent supply of good crises. A crisis
about a lost document is far and away the most fruitful kind of
crisis.</p>
<p>Meanwhile the valet pursues the public man about the room with spats
and tries to attach them to his person. If he can attach both spats
before the Fish-Friers' man really gets hold of him he has won the game.
The Fish-Friers' man keeps clearing his throat and beginning, "The
position is this—"; and the Private Secretary keeps saying in a
cold dispassionate voice, "Are you going to the Lord Mayor's lunch?" or
"How much will you give to the Dyspeptic Postmen's Association?" or "What
about this letter from Bunt?"</p>
<p>The public man takes no notice of any one of them, but says rapidly
over and over again, "Where are my spectacles?" or "What have you done
with the brown socks?" He is playing for time. If he can put them off for
a little more, some new crisis may occur and he will be able to say that
he is too busy to deal with them now.</p>
<p>The Private Secretary knows this and continues to say, "Are you going
to the Lord Mayor's lunch?" The Fish-Friers' man doesn't know it, and
crawls about excitedly on the floor looking for the spectacles under the
bed. When he is well under the bed the public man tells the Private
Secretary to ring up the Bottle-Washers and the Fish-Friers and the <font
class="sc">Prime Minister</font> and arrange things somehow, and rushes
out of the room. He is hotly pursued by the valet and the hosier and the
hairdresser, but there's a taxi at the door and with any <span
class="pagenum"><a name="page509" id="page509"></a>[pg 509]</span> luck
he will now get clear away. In the hall, however, the cook meets him in
order to give notice, and by the time he has dealt with that crisis the
Private Secretary has had three wrong numbers and given it up, and the
Fish-Friers' man has bumped his head and given it up. They give chase
together and catch the public man just as he is escaping from the
front-door. The Private Secretary starts again about the Lord Mayor's
lunch, and the Fish-Friers' man starts again about the position.</p>
<p>The public man knows now that he is done, so he drives them into the
taxi and says he will talk to them on the way to the <font
class="sc">Prime Minister</font>. The taxi dashes off, leaving the hosier
and the hairdresser and the valet wringing their hands in the hall.</p>
<p>The only thing the public man can do now is to invent a new crisis for
the Private Secretary, who is still saying in a cold dispassionate voice,
"Are you going to the Lord Mayor's lunch?"</p>
<p>So he thinks of one of the letters he has hidden in his dressing-gown
and tells the Private Secretary that he must have that letter for the
Bottle-Washers' meeting. Then he stops the taxi at a place where there is
no Underground and no 'bus, and pushes the Private Secretary out. He has
disposed of the Private Secretary for the day.</p>
<p>But the Fish-Friers' man's throat is practically clear by now and he
gets to work at once. The public man pays no attention but prepares in
his mind his opening sentences to the <font class="sc">Prime
Minister</font>. In the Park he sees two other public men walking and he
takes them into the cab. Each of them has discovered some entirely new
smells and starts talking about them at once very fast. The public man
promises to go and try them all immediately. When he gets to the <font
class="sc">Prime Minister's</font> he rings up and cancels the
Fish-Friers and the Bottle-Washers. When he has done that the
Assistant-Secretary to the <font class="sc">Prime Minister's</font>
Principal Private Secretary's Secretary comes out and says that the <font
class="sc">Prime Minister</font> has been called away suddenly to
Geneva.</p>
<p>The public man then goes off after the new smells. A dog's life.</p>
<p class="author">A.P.H.</p>
<hr />
<div class="figcenter" style="width:100%;">
<a href="images/484.png"><img width="100%" src="images/484.png"
alt="I was goin' on the stage myself once" /></a>
<p><i>Visitor</i> (<i>to actor friend</i>). "<font class="sc">Y'know, I
was goin' on the stage myself once, but my people dine so
late</font>."</p>
</div>
<hr />
<h4>A Sporting Offer.</h4>
<p>"Rabbit trapper would take so much the couple or rent them, or give so
much the couple and kill them."—<i>Scotch Paper.</i></p>
<hr />
<h3>A CORNISH LULLABY.</h3>
<div class="poem">
<div class="stanza">
<p class="i12"><font class="sc">a.d.</font> 1760.</p>
</div>
<div class="stanza">
<p class="i6">Sleep, my little ugling,</p>
<p class="i6">Daddy's gone a-smuggling,</p>
<p>Daddy's gone to Roscoff in the <i>Mevagissey Maid</i>,</p>
<p class="i6">A sloop of ninety tons</p>
<p class="i6">With ten brass-carriage guns,</p>
<p>To teach the King's ships manners and respect for honest trade.</p>
</div>
<div class="stanza">
<p class="i6">Hush, my joy and sorrow,</p>
<p class="i6">Daddy'll come to-morrow</p>
<p>Bringing baccy, tea and snuff and brandy home from France;</p>
<p class="i6">And he'll run the goods ashore</p>
<p class="i6">While the old Collectors snore</p>
<p>And the wicked troopers gamble in the dens of Penzance.</p>
</div>
<div class="stanza">
<p class="i6">Rock-a-bye, my honey,</p>
<p class="i6">Daddy's making money;</p>
<p>You shall be a gentleman and sail with privateers,</p>
<p class="i6">With a silver cup for sack</p>
<p class="i6">And a blue coat on your back,</p>
<p>With diamonds on your finger-bones and gold rings in your ears.</p>
</div>
<div class="stanza">
<p class="i16"><font class="sc">Patlander.</font></p>
</div>
</div>
<hr />
<span class="pagenum"><a name="page510" id="page510"></a>[pg 510]</span>
<div class="figcenter" style="width:100%;">
<a href="images/485.png"><img width="100%" src="images/485.png"
alt="That reminds me" /></a>
<i>Motorist.</i> "<font class="sc">That reminds me—I never posted
that letter</font>."
</div>
<hr />
<h3>POPULAR CRICKET.</h3>
<p><font class="sc">Dear Mr. Punch</font>,—I enclose a cut from
<i>Le Radical</i>, one of the leading Mauritius papers, and on behalf of
the lovers of our national game in the island venture to ask for
information regarding the last match recorded:—</p>
<p>"Londres, 14 mai, 4 hres <font
class="sc">p.m.</font>—Mary-le-bone a battu Nottingham par 5
wickets; Lancashire a battu Leichester; Sussex a battu Warrick. En second
lieu un joueur du Sussex a abattu H. Wilson par 187 wickets."</p>
<p>We are much perturbed at the strange developments that are evidently
taking place in the game at home. Was this match, we want to know, a
single-wicket game between the Sussex player and <font class="sc">H.
Wilson</font>? If so how did he beat him by 187 wickets?</p>
<p>An ex-captain of the Cambridge eleven living here is of the opinion
that, in order to make cricket more popular, the numbers of the opposing
sides are being increased, and that this match must have been between a
team of, say, a couple of hundred Sussex players and one of a like number
captained by <font class="sc">H. Wilson</font>, and that only some dozen
wickets had fallen in the second innings when the match ended. If this is
the correct interpretation we should be very grateful for the rules, plan
of the field, etc., as we are most anxious to move with the times in this
little outpost of Empire.</p>
<p>I fear however that we shall have some difficulty here in raising two
teams of more than a hundred-a-side.</p>
<p>We presume that, as a match of eleven-a-side takes two or three days
to finish, about six or eight weeks are allotted to this new game.</p>
<p>Any help that you can give us, Sir, will be much appreciated.</p>
<p class="center">Yours faithfully,</p>
<p class="author">M.C.C.</p>
<hr />
<h3>FROM THE FILM WORLD.</h3>
<p>As an interesting supplement to the announcement that Sir <font
class="sc">Thomas Lipton</font> has kindly placed his bungalows and
estates in Ceylon at the disposal of the East and West Films, Limited,
for the filming of The Life of <font class="sc">Buddha</font>, we are
glad to learn that preparations are already well advanced for the
presentation of the Life of <font class="sc">Hannibal</font> on the
screen.</p>
<p>Messrs. Sowerly and Bitterton, the well-known vinegar manufacturers,
have undertaken to provide the necessary plant for illustration of the
famous exploit of splitting the rocks with that disintegrating condiment,
and Messrs. Rappin and Jebb, the famous cutlers, have been approached
with a view to furnish the necessary implements for the portrayal of the
tragedy of the Caudine Forks. Professor Chollop, who is superintending
the taking of the pictures of the battle of Cannæ and the subsequent
period of repose at Capua in their proper atmosphere, states that he is
receiving every support from the local condottieri, pifferari, banditti
and lazzaroni, and expects to be able to complete his task by the late
autumn.</p>
<p>A certain amount of antagonism, on humanitarian grounds, has been
shown by the Italian Government to the importation of a herd of
elephants, which were essential to the realistic depiction of the passage
of the Alps by the Carthaginian army; but it is hoped that by the use of
skis the transit may be effected without undue casualties among the
elephantine fraternity.</p>
<p>Lord <font class="sc">Fisher</font> has been invited to impersonate
<font class="sc">Scipio</font>, and the <i>rôle</i> of <font
class="sc">Fabius</font>, the originator of the "Wait and See" policy,
has been offered to Mr. <font class="sc">Asquith</font>, but authentic
details are as yet lacking as to their decision.</p>
<hr />
<span class="pagenum"><a name="page511" id="page511"></a>[pg 511]</span>
<div class="figcenter" style="width:100%;">
<a href="images/486.png"><img width="100%" src="images/486.png"
alt="THE BLAMELESS ACCOMPLICE." /></a>
<h3>THE BLAMELESS ACCOMPLICE.</h3>
<p><font class="sc">Irish Railwayman</font> (<i>to Sinn Fein
Assassin</i>). "YOU'LL BE ALL RIGHT. DETESTING MURDER, AS MR. THOMAS
SAYS I DO, I'VE TAKEN CARE THAT THAT FELLOW SHOULD HAVE NO
AMMUNITION."</p>
<p>["The Irish members of the N.U.R. expressed publicly their feeling
of disgust at murder and outrage."—<i>Mr. J.H. <font
class="sc">Thomas</font>.</i>]</p>
</div>
<hr />
<span class="pagenum"><a name="page512" id="page512"></a>[pg 512]</span>
<h2>ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT.</h2>
<p><i>Monday, June 21st.</i>—While the <font class="sc">Prime
Minister</font> was celebrating the longest—and pretty nearly the
hottest—day by a <i>vin d'honneur</i> at Boulogne Mr. <font
class="sc">Bonar Law</font> had to content himself with small beer in the
Commons.</p>
<p>The Government, it seems, is to offer its services to effect a
peaceful settlement between the Imam <font class="sc">Yahya</font> and
the Said <font class="sc">Idrissi</font>, who are rival rulers in Arabia.
There is believed to be a possibility that in return the said Said will
offer his services to effect a peaceful settlement in Hibernia
Infelix.</p>
<p>The Government is not so indifferent to economy as is sometimes
suggested. The <font class="sc">Prime Minister's</font> famous letter to
the Departments was only written in August last, yet already, Mr. <font
class="sc">Bonar Law</font> assured the House, some progress has been
made in reducing redundant staffs, and the Government has
appointed—no, I beg pardon, "decided to appoint"—independent
Committees to carry out investigations. The hustlers!</p>
<div class="figright" style="width:50%;">
<a href="images/487-1.png"><img width="100%" src="images/487-1.png"
alt="Do you expect me to send the Sergeant-at-Arms" /></a>
<p><font class="sc">Do you expect me to send the Sergeant-at-Arms to
fetch the Minister of Transport?</font>—<i>The <font
class="sc">Speaker.</font></i></p>
</div>
<p>The Member for Wood Green, who urged that the Treasury should prepare
an estimate of the national income, with the view of limiting the
national expenditure to a definite proportion of that amount, displayed,
it seems to me, amazing temerity. The course of taxation in recent years
encourages the belief that the only thing that restrains the <font
class="sc">Chancellor of the Exchequer</font> from taking our little all
is that he does not know how much it is.</p>
<p>Capt. <font class="sc">Wedgewood Benn's</font> complaint that the
<font class="sc">Minister of Transport</font> habitually absented himself
from the House met with little encouragement from the <font
class="sc">Speaker</font>, who sarcastically inquired if he should send
the <font class="sc">Serjeant-at-Arms</font> to fetch the delinquent.
Capt. <font class="sc">Benn</font> then dropped the subject, and Sir
<font class="sc">Colin Keppel</font> looked relieved.</p>
<p>The Government insisted on taking the Report stage and Third Reading
of the Rent (Restrictions) Bill at one sitting, and kept the House up
till half-past three in order to do it. Dr. <font
class="sc">Addison</font> had need of what the <font class="sc">Iron
Duke</font> called "two o'clock in the morning courage" to ward off
attacks. Once, when Sir <font class="sc">Arthur Fell</font> was depicting
the desperate plight of the landladies of Yarmouth, forbidden under a
penalty of a hundred pounds to charge more than twenty-five per cent. in
excess of their pre-war prices, it looked as if the Minister must give
way; but with some difficulty he convinced his critics that the clause in
question had nothing to do with seaside landladies.</p>
<p><i>Tuesday, June 22nd.</i>—In the Lords the Bishops, reinforced
by the ecclesiastically-minded lay Peers, made a last attempt to throw
out the Matrimonial Causes Bill. Lord <font class="sc">Braye</font> moved
its rejection, and was supported by Lord <font class="sc">Halifax</font>
in a speech whose pathos was even stronger than its argument, and by the
Archbishop of <font class="sc">Canterbury</font>, who admitted that
reform of the marriage laws was required, but considered that the Bill
went a great deal further than was necessary. The <font class="sc">Lord
Chancellor</font> thereupon re-stated the case for the measure, for which
be believed the Government were prepared to give facilities in the other
House, and Lord <font class="sc">Buckmaster</font> repeated his exegesis
of the vexed passage in St. <font class="sc">Matthew's</font> Gospel, on
which the whole theological controversy turns. The Third Reading was
carried by 154 votes to 107.</p>
<div class="figright" style="width:33%;">
<a href="images/488-2.png"><img width="100%" src="images/488-2.png"
alt="Mr. Denis Henry, Attorney-General for Ireland" /></a>
<p class="center"><i>MENS ÆQUA REBUS IN ARDUIS.</i></p>
<p class="center"><font class="sc">Mr. Denis Henry on the Irish
situation.</font></p>
</div>
<p>The Commons in the course of the Irish Debate discussed the failure of
the Government to prevent the regrettable incidents in Derry and Dublin.
Colonel <font class="sc">Ashley</font> demanded martial law; Major <font
class="sc">O'Neill</font> was for organising the loyal population; Sir
<font class="sc">Keith Fraser</font> approved both courses and advanced
the amazing proposition that the trouble in Ireland was entirely due to
the religious question, and that even the Sinn Feiners were loyal to the
Empire.</p>
<p>The <font class="sc">Attorney-General for Ireland</font> pointed out
that faction-fighting in Derry was endemic, and drew an amusing picture
of the old city, where everyone had some kind of rabbit-hole from which
he could emerge to fire a revolver. As regards the general question he
denied that the Constabulary had been instructed not to shoot. On the
contrary they had been told to treat attackers as "enemies in the field,"
and to call upon suspected persons to hold up their hands.</p>
<p>Lord <font class="sc">Robert Cecil</font> was at a loss to understand
the Government that applied coercion to the very people to whom it was
preparing to hand over the government of Southern Ireland, and Mr. <font
class="sc">Inskip</font> was equally at a loss to understand the policy
of the noble lord, who <span class="pagenum"><a name="page513"
id="page513"></a>[pg 513]</span> seemed to think that conciliation was
incompatible with putting down crime.</p>
<p><i>Wednesday, June 23rd.</i>—A large company, including the
<font class="sc">Queen</font> and Princess <font class="sc">Mary</font>,
attended the House of Lords to see Prince <font class="sc">Albert</font>
take his seat as Duke of <font class="sc">York</font>. It was unfortunate
that the new peer was unable to wait for the ensuing debate, for Lord
<font class="sc">Newton</font> was in his best form. His theme was the
absurdity of the present Parliamentary arrangement under which the Peers
were kept kicking their heels in London for the best months of the year,
then overwhelmed with business for a week or two, and finally despatched
to the country in time for the hunting season, which nowadays most of
them were too much impoverished to enjoy. Lord <font
class="sc">Curzon</font> condescended a little from his usual Olympian
heights, and declared that one of the drawbacks to conducting business in
that House was the difficulty of inducing noble Lords to attend it after
dinner.</p>
<div class="figright" style="width:50%;">
<a href="images/487-2.png"><img width="100%" src="images/487-2.png"
alt="THE YOUNG UNIONIST MOVEMENT." /></a>
<p class="center">THE YOUNG UNIONIST MOVEMENT.</p>
<p>"<font class="sc">If they were to have Home Rule at all they must
'go the whole hog.</font>'"—<i>Mr. <font class="sc">Ormsby
Gore.</font></i></p>
</div>
<p>To judge by Mr. <font class="sc">Asquith's</font> recent speeches
outside he meant to have delivered a thundering philippic against our
continued occupation of Mesopotamia. Some of the sting was taken out of
the indictment by the publication of an official statement showing that
Great Britain was remaining there at the request of the Allies. After
all, as Mr. <font class="sc">Lloyd George</font> observed in his reply,
it would not be an economical policy to withdraw to Basra if we were to
be immediately requested to return to Baghdad.</p>
<p>The rest of the evening was devoted to a renewal of the protests
against Mr. <font class="sc">Churchill's</font> "Red Army." Among the
critics were Mr. <font class="sc">Esmond Harmsworth</font> and Mr. <font
class="sc">Oswald Mosley</font>, the two "babies" of the House, and the
<font class="sc">Minister</font> adopted quite a fatherly tone in
recalling his own callow youth, when he too, just after the Boer War,
denounced "the folly of gaudy and tinselled uniforms."</p>
<p><i>Thursday, June 24th.</i>—On behalf of the Government Lord
<font class="sc">Onslow</font> gave a rather chilly welcome to Lord <font
class="sc">Balfour of Burleigh's</font> Bill for the regulation of
advertisements. It is true that the noble author had explained that his
object was to secure "publicity without offence," but I believe he had no
desire to cramp the <font class="sc">Prime Minister's</font> style.</p>
<p>Sir <font class="sc">Eric Geddes</font> belongs to that wicked species
of <i>fauna</i> that defends itself when attacked. He complained this
afternoon that Mr. <font class="sc">Asquith</font> had in his recent
speeches "trounced a beginner," but Sir <font class="sc">Eric</font>
showed, for a novice, considerable aggressive power. He claimed that the
Ministry of Transport had already saved a cool million by securing the
abrogation of an extravagant contract entered into by Mr. <font
class="sc">Asquith's</font> Government. The <font class="sc">ex
Premier</font>, however, insisted that if a mistake had been made the
Railway Department of the Board of Trade could have corrected it just as
well as its grandiose successor and at an infinitely smaller cost.</p>
<br clear="all" />
<hr />
<div class="figcenter" style="width:100%;">
<a href="images/488-1.png"><img width="100%" src="images/488-1.png"
alt="Dond you know der rule of der river?" /></a>
<div class="i16">
<p><i>Naturalised Alien.</i> "<font class="sc">Vy dond you ged oud of
my vay? Dond you know der rule of der river?</font>"</p>
<p><i>Bargeman.</i> "<font class="sc">Which? The Rhine?</font>"</p>
</div>
</div>
<hr />
<span class="pagenum"><a name="page514" id="page514"></a>[pg 514]</span>
<h3>THE NEW COURTIERSHIP.</h3>
<blockquote>
<p>(<i>With profound acknowledgment to the writer of the article on
"Heroine Worship" in "The Times" of June 24th.</i>)</p>
</blockquote>
<p>While thrones and dynasties have rocked or fallen in the great world
upheaval of the last six years, there remains one form of monarchy which
has proved impervious to all the shocks of circumstance—the
monarchy of genius. If proof be demanded of this assertion we need only
point to the wonderful manifestations of loyalty evoked in the last week
by the advent of the Queen of the Film World and her admirable consort.
The adoration of <font class="sc">Mary Pickford</font> has been compared
with that of <font class="sc">Mary Queen of Scots</font>, and not without
some show of reason, for the appeal which her acting, makes is always to
the sense of chivalry which, in however sentimental a form, is
characteristic of our race.</p>
<p>But the noble adulation which the latest of our royal visitors
inspires is deeper and more universal than that prompted by the charm and
the misfortunes of her namesake. <font class="sc">Mary Queen of
Scots</font>, as the evidence of contemporary portraits conclusively
establishes, was not conspicuous for her personal beauty. In the "Queen
business" she was a failure, and her prestige is largely if not entirely
posthumous. Her character has been impugned by historians; even her most
faithful champions have not pronounced her impeccable.</p>
<p>Centuries were necessary to raise <font class="sc">Mary Queen of
Scots</font> to her somewhat insecure pinnacle of devotion; by the
alchemy of a machine centuries have been shortened to days and nights in
the meteoric career of Miss <font class="sc">Pickford</font>. Yet merit
has joined fortune in high cabal. Handicapped by a somewhat uneuphonious
patronymic, <font class="sc">Mary Pickford</font> has established her
rule without recourse to any of the disputable methods adopted by her
predecessor. At home in all the "palaces" of both hemispheres, she owes
her triumphs to the triple endowment of genius, loveliness and
gentleness. Moreover, in the highest sense she is truly an ambassadress
of our race, for the kiss which she so graciously bestowed on Mlle. <font
class="sc">Suzanne Lenglen</font> at Wimbledon on Wednesday last has
probably done even more to heal the wounds inflicted on our gallant
Allies by the disastrous policy of Mr. <font class="sc">Lloyd
George</font> than the heroic efforts of <i>The Times</i> to maintain the
Entente in its integrity.</p>
<p>The parallels and contrasts with <font class="sc">Mary Queen of
Scots</font> need not be further laboured. But far too little stress has
been laid on the rare felicity of a union which links the name of Mary
with that of Douglas. The annals of British chivalry contain no more
romantic or splendid entries than those associated with Sir <font
class="sc">James Douglas</font>, alternately styled the "Good" and the
"Black," hero of seventy battles and the victor in fifty-seven, peerless
as a raider, who crowned a glorious career by his mission to Palestine
with the embalmed heart of <font class="sc">Bruce</font>, and his death
in action against the Moors. His illustrious namesake is now conducting a
"raid" on our shores of a purely educational and humanitarian nature, and
our welcome, while it expresses the rare and momentous influence of the
film, is no mere gratitude for pleasure afforded; it is rather the
recognition of a human touch tending to make the whole English-speaking
world kin.</p>
<p>The visit is not unattended by risks, for the ardour of enthusiasm
imposes a corresponding strain on the endurance of this august and
inimitable pair. But there can be no doubt as to the absolute sincerity
and spontaneity of these marvellous demonstrations of loyal affection. We
can only hope that, to borrow the noble phrase of the Roman Senate in
their address to <font class="sc">Nero</font> on the death of <font
class="sc">Agrippina</font>, Queen <font class="sc">Pickford</font> the
First may "endure her felicity with fortitude." Conspicuous grandeur has
its penalties as well as its privileges, but the chivalric instinct is
still alive in our midst; and all of us who are not perverted or debased
by the malign "wizardry" of the <font class="sc">Prime Minister</font>
will spring to the defence of <font class="sc">Mary</font> "the
Sweetheart of the World," and <font class="sc">Douglas</font> "tender and
true," in their hours of peril. In that high emprise the gentlemen of the
world, however humble, stand, as of old time, side by side and shoulder
to shoulder.</p>
<hr />
<div class="figcenter" style="width:100%;">
<a href="images/489.png"><img width="100%" src="images/489.png"
alt="THE IRRESISTIBLE MEETS THE IMMOVABLE." /></a>
<p class="center">THE IRRESISTIBLE MEETS THE IMMOVABLE.</p>
<p class="center"><font class="sc">Scene</font>: <i>Exclusive West-End
Square, with passing procession of "Reds."</i></p>
<p><i>The Flag-bearer.</i> "<font class="sc">Comrade, the Revolution is
'ere!</font>"</p>
<p><i>The Complete Butler.</i> "<font class="sc">Ar! Will you kindly
deliver it at the harea hentrance?</font>"</p>
</div>
<hr />
<h3>THE BATTLE OF THE MOTHERS.</h3>
<p>We were sitting in the smoking-room when the Venerable Archdeacon
entered. He had been so long absent that we asked him the reason.</p>
<p>Had he been ill?</p>
<p>Ill? Not he. He never was better in his life. He had merely been on a
motor tour with his mother.</p>
<p>"Do you mean to say," someone inquired—an equally elderly
member—almost with anger, certainly with a kind of outraged
surprise, "that you have a mother still living?"</p>
<p>"Of course I have," said the Man of God. "My mother is not only living
but is in the pink of condition."</p>
<p>"And how old is she?" the questioner continued.</p>
<p>"She is ninety-one," said the Archdeacon proudly.</p>
<p>Most of us looked at him with wonder and respect—even a touch of
awe.</p>
<p>"And still motoring!" I commented.</p>
<p>"She delights in motoring."</p>
<p>"Well," said the angry man, "you needn't be so conceited about it. You
are not the only person with an aged mother. I have a mother too."</p>
<p>We switched round to this new centre of surprise. It was more
incredible that this man should have a mother even than the Archdeacon.
No one had ever suspected him of anything so extreme, for he had a long
white beard and hobbled with a stick.</p>
<p>"And how old may your mother be?" the Archdeacon inquired.</p>
<p>"My mother is ninety-two."</p>
<p>"And is she well and hearty?"</p>
<p>"My mother," he replied, "is in rude health—or, as you would
say, full of beans." <span class="pagenum"><a name="page515"
id="page515"></a>[pg 515]</span></p>
<p>The Archdeacon made a deprecatory movement, repudiating the
metaphor.</p>
<p>"She not only motors," the layman pursued, "but she can walk. Can your
mother walk?"</p>
<p>"I am sorry to say," said the Archdeacon, "that my mother has to be
helped a good deal."</p>
<p>"Ha!" said the layman.</p>
<p>"But," the Archdeacon continued, "she has all her other faculties. Can
your mother still read?"</p>
<p>"My mother is a most accomplished and assiduous knitter," said the
bearded man.</p>
<p>"No doubt, no doubt," the Archdeacon agreed; "but my question was, Can
she still read?"</p>
<p>"With glasses—yes," said the other.</p>
<p>"Ha!" exclaimed the Archdeacon, "I thought so. Now my dear mother can
still read the smallest print without glasses."</p>
<p>We murmured our approval.</p>
<p>"And more," the Archdeacon went on, "she can thread her own
needle."</p>
<p>We approved again.</p>
<p>"That's all very well," said the other, "but sight is not everything.
Can your mother hear?"</p>
<p>"She can hear all that I say to her," replied the Archdeacon.</p>
<p>"Ah! but you probably raise your voice, and she is accustomed to it.
Could she hear a stranger? Could she hear me?"</p>
<p>Remembering the tone of some of his after-lunch conversations I
suggested that perhaps it would be well if on occasions she could not. He
glowered down such frivolousness and proceeded with his
cross-examination. "Are you trying to assure us that your mother is not
in the least bit deaf?"</p>
<p>"Well," the Archdeacon conceded, "I could not go so far as to say that
her hearing is still perfect."</p>
<p>The layman smiled his satisfaction. "In other words," he said, "she
uses a trumpet?"</p>
<p>The Archdeacon was silent.</p>
<p>"She uses a trumpet, Sir? Admit it."</p>
<p>"Now and then," said the Archdeacon, "my dear mother has recourse to
that aid."</p>
<p>"I knew it!" exclaimed the other. "My mother can hear every word. She
goes to the theatre too. Now your mother would have to go to the cinema
if she wished to be entertained."</p>
<p>"My mother," said the Archdeacon, "would not be interested in the
cinema" (he pronounced it ki-nēma); "her mind is of a more serious
turn."</p>
<p>"My mother is young enough to be interested in anything," said the
other. "And there is not one of her thirty-eight grandchildren of whose
progress she is not kept closely informed."</p>
<p>He leaned back with a gesture of triumph.</p>
<p>"How many grandchildren did you say?" the Archdeacon inquired. "I
didn't quite catch."</p>
<p>"Thirty-eight," the other man replied.</p>
<p>Across the cleric's ascetic features a happy smile slowly and
conqueringly spread. "My mother," he said, "has fifty-two grandchildren.
And now," he turned to me, "which of us would you say has won this
entertaining contest?"</p>
<p>"I should not like to decide," I said. "I am—fortunately perhaps
for your mothers—no Solomon. My verdict is that both of you are
wonderfully lucky men."</p>
<p class="author">E.V.L.</p>
<hr />
<div class="figcenter" style="width:100%;">
<a href="images/490.png"><img width="100%" src="images/490.png"
alt="and how are you?" /></a>
<p><i>Valetudinarian.</i> "<font class="sc">I've got cirrhosis of the
liver, an incipient carbuncle on my neck, inflammation of the duodenum,
septic sore throat and general prostration.</font>"</p>
<p><i>Sympathetic Friend.</i> "<font class="sc">Well, and how are
you?</font>"</p>
</div>
<hr />
<h4>A Knowing Old Bird.</h4>
<blockquote>
<p>"Grey African Parrot ... every question fully answered; £10 or
offers."—<i>Weekly Paper.</i></p>
</blockquote>
<hr />
<span class="pagenum"><a name="page516" id="page516"></a>[pg 516]</span>
<h2>OUR BOOKING-OFFICE.</h2>
<p class="center">(<i>By Mr. Punch's Staff of Learned Clerks.</i>)</p>
<p>We have had to wait four years for the concluding volumes of <i>The
Life of Benjamin Disraeli</i> (<font class="sc">Murray</font>), but, as
the engaged couple said of the tunnel, "it was worth it," for in the
interval Mr. <font class="sc">Buckle</font> has been able to enrich his
work with a wealth of new material. This includes <font
class="sc">Disraeli's</font> correspondence with <font class="sc">Queen
Victoria</font> during his two Premierships, and the still more
remarkable letters that he wrote to the two favoured sisters, <font
class="sc">Anne</font>, Lady <font class="sc">Chesterfield</font>, and
<font class="sc">Selina</font>, Lady <font class="sc">Bradford</font>,
during the last eight years of his life. To one or other of them he wrote
almost every day, and from the sixteen hundred letters that have been
preserved Mr. <font class="sc">Buckle</font> has selected with happy
discretion a multitude of passages which throw a vivid light upon the
political events of the time and upon <font class="sc">Disraeli's</font>
own character. Whereas the first four volumes of the biography might be
likened to a good sound Burgundy, thanks to these letters the last two
sparkle and stimulate like a vintage champagne. As we read them we seem
to be present at the scenes described, to overhear the discussions at the
Cabinet, to catch a glimpse of the actors <i>en déshabillé</i>. Mr. <font
class="sc">Buckle</font> says that "Disraeli, from first to last,
regarded his life as a brightly tinted romance, with himself as hero." In
one of his letters to Lady <font class="sc">Bradford</font> he says, "I
live for Power and the Affections." A poseur, no doubt, he was, but not a
charlatan. His industry was amazing and his insight almost uncanny. "I
know not why Japan should not become the Sardinia of the Mongolian East,"
he writes in 1875. To the political student these Volumes will be almost
as fruitful a field as <font class="sc">Burke</font>; for myself, I have
found them more fascinating than any novel.</p>
<hr class="short" />
<p>It seams a great pity that Mr. <font class="sc">Kipling's</font>
<i>Letters of Travel</i> (<font class="sc">Macmillan</font>) contains
nothing later than 1913. It would have been particularly interesting to
see how far the events of the great tragedy might have modified or
aggravated his scorn against those who do not see eye to eye with him. In
the pre-war <font class="sc">Kipling</font>, as we have him here,
"Labour" is always the enemy, "Democracy" the hypocritical cant of cranks
and slackers. What do they know of England who only <font
class="sc">Kipling</font> know? Well, they know one side of it, and a
fine side. The first sheaf of letters—"From Tideway to Tideway
(1892)"—describes a tour through America and Canada, with a rather
too obvious bias against the habits and institutions of the former, but
with so eloquent a presentation of the dream and fact of imperial
pioneering service that it might draw even from a Little Englander,
"Almost thou persuadest me!" "Letters to the Family" deals with the
Canada of 1907, a very different entity from the Canada of to-day after
the later Imperial Conferences and five years' trial of war, but none the
less interesting to hear about. A voyage in 1913, undertaken "for no
other reason but to discover the sun," is the begetter of the third
group, "Egypt and the Egyptians," the first letter of which will not, I
imagine, be reprinted and framed by the P. and O. Brilliant word-pictures
of things seen, thumbnail sketches of odd characters, clever records of
remembered speech, intelligent comment from a well-defined point of
view—these you will have expected, and will get.</p>
<hr class="short" />
<p>Lady <font class="sc">Dorothy Mills</font>, who has already made some
success as a holder of the mirror up to a certain section of ultra-smart
society, continues this benevolent work in her new novel, <i>The Laughter
of Fools</i> (<font class="sc">Duckworth</font>). It is a clever tale,
almost horridly well told, about the war-time behaviour of the rottenest
idle-rich element, in the disorganised and hectic London of 1917-18.
Perhaps the observation is superficial; but, just so far as it pretends
to go, Lady <font class="sc">Dorothy's</font> method does undoubtedly get
home. Her heroine, <i>Louise</i>, is a detestable little egoist, whose
vanity and entire lack of <i>moral</i> render her an easy victim to the
vampire crowd into which she drifts. The "sensation" scenes, night club
orgies, dope parties and the like will probably bring the book a boom of
curiosity; but there are not wanting signs, in the author's easy unforced
method, that with a larger theme she may one day write a considerably
bigger book. <i>The Laughter of Fools</i>, one may say, ends tragically;
<i>Louise</i>, after exhausting all her other activities, being left
about to join a nursing expedition to Northern Russia. Which, judging by
previous revelations of her general incompetence, is where the tragedy
comes in—for the prospective patients. A moral rather carefully
unmoralised is how I should sum up an unpleasant but shrewdly written
tale.</p>
<hr class="short" />
<p>To <i>The Diary of a U-Boat Commander</i> (<font
class="sc">Hutchinson</font>) "<font class="sc">Etienne</font>" adds an
introduction and some explanatory notes. In one of these notes we are
told that the Diary was left in a locker when the Commander handed over
his boat to the British. We are all at liberty to form any opinion we
like on the use made of this Diary and I am not going to reveal mine.
For, after all, it is the book itself—however produced—that
matters, and even those of us who are getting a little shy of literature
connected with the War will find something original and intriguing in
this Diary. With what seems to me unnecessary frankness the publisher
refers to the Commander's "incredible exploits and adventures on the high
seas." For my own part my powers of belief in regard to the War are
almost unlimited, and the only thing that really staggers me here is the
mentality of the diarist. From the record of his purely private life,
which is also exposed in these pages, I gather that he was as unfortunate
in love as in war; but he seems to have loved with a whole-hearted
passion that goes far to redeem him. I must add a word of praise for Mr.
<font class="sc">Frank Mason's</font> illustrations, which contributed
generously to my entertainment.</p>
<hr />
<div class="figcenter" style="width:50%;">
<a href="images/491.png"><img width="100%" src="images/491.png"
alt="Life is very dull, my dear Rox." /></a>
<p><i>Alexander</i> (<i>bored</i>). "<font class="sc">Life is very
dull, my dear Rox. No more worlds to—"</font></p>
<p><i>Roxana.</i> "<font class="sc">Oh, nonsense, Alec! There's always
something to do. I wish you'd go into the kitchen and discharge that
Cappadocian cook. She drinks.</font>"</p>
</div>
<hr />
<span class="pagenum"><a name="page517" id="page517"></a>[pg 517]</span>
<div class="figcenter" style="width:100%;">
<a href="images/492.png"><img width="100%" src="images/492.png"
alt="Epilogue" /></a>
</div>
<h2>AN OPEN LETTER TO FRANCE.</h2>
<p>Mr. Punch had kissed the lady's hand and she had smiled upon him very
graciously, for they were old friends.</p>
<p>"I have brought you a letter from myself," he said.</p>
<p>"Shall I read it while you wait?" said Madame la France.</p>
<p>"Please, no. I never read my contributors' compositions in their
presence. It is embarrassing to both sides. And I want you to take your
time over this one, and consider carefully whether it is suitable for
publication in your Press. I have enclosed a stamped and addressed
envelope, to be utilized in the event of your deciding to return my
communication with regrets. In any case I propose to publish it in my own
paper, <i>The London Charivari</i>."</p>
<p class="center">[<i>Here begins the letter</i>:—</p>
<p>"<font class="sc">Nearest and Dearest of Allies</font>.—You and
I (I speak for my country, though I have not been asked to do so) have
gone through so much together that it would be an infinite pity if any
misunderstanding were suffered to cloud our friendship for want of a
little candour on my part. No <i>Entente</i> can retain its cordiality
without mutual candour; and hitherto the reticence has been all on our
side.</p>
<p>"Not when your splendid courage and your noble sacrifices gave us a
theme; then we were always frankly loud in our admiration; but when we
reflected upon what I may venture to call your faults and failings.
Whatever we may have thought about them during all those terrible years,
you will find in our public statements no note of criticism and not a
single word that did not breathe a true loyalty. You too were generous in
your praise of us when we won battles; and at the end, with your own
<font class="sc">Foch</font> for witness, you were quick to recognise
what part we played in those great Autumn days that brought the crowning
victory. But it almost looks as if your memory of our brotherhood in arms
were beginning to fail; as if we, who were then hailed as your 'glorious
Ally,' were about to resume our old name—it has already been
revived in some quarters—of 'Perfide Albion.'</p>
<p>"Oh, I know that the best of France is loyal to us; that her true
chivalry understands. But what of your public that is all ear for the
so-called <i>Echo de Paris</i>, with its constant incitement to jealousy
and suspicion of England? What of your second-rate Press and its
pin-pricking policy, connived at, if not actually encouraged, by your
Government?</p>
<p>"Of course I recognise that you never really liked the idea of all
those British soldiers making themselves at home in your country, though
they did it as nicely as it could be done, and made hosts of friends in
the process. I can believe that we should not have been too well pleased
at having a like number of French troops established between Dover and
London. I don't say we should have charged you rent for every yard of
their <span class="pagenum"><a name="page518" id="page518"></a>[pg
518]</span> trenches or claimed heavy damages for any injury they might
have done to our roads in the course of defending the Metropolis from our
common enemy. But we certainly should not have been depressed when we
found that they needn't stay any longer. Still I hope we should have
registered on the tablets of our hearts a permanent record indicating
that we appreciated their friendliness in coming to our support.</p>
<p>"But I am told that the secret of the present attitude of our French
critics is that they cannot forgive us for having used the soil of France
in order to defend our own. Is this quite fair or even decent? Let me
refresh their memory of the motive that brought us into this War. The
true motive was not to be found in the duty imposed upon us by Germany's
breach of the Belgian Treaty, though that in itself furnished us with an
unanswerable reason. The true motive was our desire to help you. We had
nothing in those days to fear for ourselves. We knew that our Fleet was
strong enough to protect our own shores. We had not yet appreciated the
submarine menace; we did not recognise what your loss of the Channel
ports might mean for us. We entered the War because we could not look on
and see you overwhelmed.</p>
<p>"You complain, again, that, in contrast to yourselves, we have got all
we wanted out of the War. As a fact we wanted nothing; but let that pass.
You point to the destruction of the German Fleet as if it were a private
gain for us and us alone, and not the removal of a danger to the whole
world. And what of the German armies—now in process of reduction to
a mere police force? Did you derive no advantage from the overthrow of a
system which was always a greater menace to you than the German Fleet
ever was to us? And, though we did not pretend to be a military nation,
had we not some little share in that achievement?</p>
<p>"And what of your <i>revanche</i>? How do the German Colonies, which
we have freed and now hold in trust—how do these compare with your
solid recovery of Alsace-Lorraine? No, you have not come badly out of
Armageddon.</p>
<p>"Oh, you have suffered, that we know; you have suffered even more than
we, who at least were spared the ravaging of our lands. And never for a
moment do we forget this. But you too must not forget that where the soil
of France suffered most there thickest lie our English dead, who fought
for England's freedom, yes, but for your freedom too. And it is we who
stand by you still, pledged to be once more at your side if the same
peril ever come again; though America, for whom nothing was once too
good, should fail you in your need.</p>
<p>"There, I have said what I wanted to say; what your best friends here
have been thinking this many a day. For your best friends are not, as you
might imagine, to be found in a certain section of our Press who for
their own political or private ends are prepared to encourage all your
suspicions if so they may injure the good name of our statesmen who meet
you in council for the common cause. Your best friends are the men who
deplore those suspicions; who beg you, as I do here, to get them swept
away as being unworthy of a great nation and a great alliance.</p>
<p class="center">"For this end, Believe me, dear Madame, to be at your service as always,</p>
<h2>"PUNCH."</h2>
<p class="center"><i>Here ends the letter.</i>]</p>
<p>"And now, dear lady," said Mr. Punch, "let me say that, if there is
anything in this letter which seems—but only on the
surface—to be inconsistent with my profound devotion to your
person, it is the first word of the kind that I have put on paper since
our friendship began. All through the War and the hardly less trying
times of Peace that have followed it I have not once swerved from my
loyalty to you. Accept, I beg of you, the renewed assurance of my
affection the most sincere, and, for token, this latest of a series in
which you will find many proofs of the love I bear you—my</p>
<h2>One Hundred and Fifty-Eighth Volume."</h2>
<div class="figcenter" style="width:100%;">
<a href="images/493.png"><img width="100%" src="images/493.png"
alt="Accept this token" /></a>
</div>
<hr />
<span class="pagenum"><a name="page519" id="page519"></a>[pg 519]</span>
<div class="figcenter" style="width:100%;">
<a href="images/494.png"><img width="100%" src="images/494.png"
alt="Index" /></a>
</div>
<h3>Cartoons.</h3>
<div class="poem">
<div class="stanza">
<p><font class="sc">Partridge, Bernard</font></p>
<p class="i2">Air-Craftiness, 471</p>
<p class="i2">Another Reservation, 111</p>
<p class="i2">Blameless Accomplice (The), 511</p>
<p class="i2">Dark Horse (A), 431</p>
<p class="i2">Exit the Ministering Angel, 371</p>
<p class="i2">Forgotten Cause (The), 211</p>
<p class="i2">Great Improviser (The), 451</p>
<p class="i2">His First Patient, 491</p>
<p class="i2">Homage from the Brave, 391</p>
<p class="i2">Hope of the World (The), 271</p>
<p class="i2">In a Cushy Cause, 331</p>
<p class="i2">International Eurhythmics, 151</p>
<p class="i2">Kindest Cut of All (The), 191</p>
<p class="i2">Levy on Patriotism (A), 291</p>
<p class="i2">Limit—and Beyond (The), 411</p>
<p class="i2">Occasional Comrades, 251</p>
<p class="i2">Reckoning (The), 351</p>
<p class="i2">Restoring the Balance, 311</p>
<p class="i2">Return of the ex-Champion (The), 171</p>
<p class="i2">Rouge Gagne, 71</p>
<p class="i2">Test of Sagacity (A), 131</p>
<p class="i2">Unpopular Revival (An), 231</p>
<p class="i2">Woman of Some Importance (A), 91</p>
</div>
<div class="stanza">
</div>
<div class="stanza">
<p><font class="sc">Raven-Hill, L.</font></p>
<p class="i2">Conscientious Burglar (The), 103</p>
<p class="i2">Converted Spirit (A), 183</p>
<p class="i2">Dachswolf (The), 243</p>
<p class="i2">Direct Reaction, 463</p>
<p class="i2">Disturber of the Peace (A), 323</p>
<p class="i2">Downing Street Melodrama (A), 83</p>
<p class="i2">Elusive Pest (The), 163</p>
<p class="i2">Even-handed Justice, 51</p>
<p class="i2">Expert Opinion, 363</p>
<p class="i2">From Triumph to Triumph, 343</p>
<p class="i2">Heir-Presumptive (The), 31</p>
<p class="i2">His Own Business, 403</p>
<p class="i2">Irremovables (The), 143</p>
<p class="i2">Lovers' Quarrels, 303</p>
<p class="i2">Midsummer Nightmare (A), 483</p>
<p class="i2">More Haste—Less Meat, 443</p>
<p class="i2">New Coalition (The), 123</p>
<p class="i2">Paradise Lost Again?, 503</p>
<p class="i2">Popular Reappearance (A), 63</p>
<p class="i2">Reluctant Thruster (The), 383</p>
<p class="i2">St. Patrick's Day Dream (A), 203</p>
<p class="i2">Sounding the "All Clear", 11</p>
<p class="i2">What's in a Name?, 223</p>
<p class="i2">Withdrawal from Moscow (The), 283</p>
</div>
<div class="stanza">
</div>
<div class="stanza">
<p><font class="sc">Reynold, Frank</font></p>
<p class="i2">"Positively Last" Appearance (A), 3</p>
</div>
<div class="stanza">
</div>
<div class="stanza">
<p><font class="sc">Townsend, F.H.</font></p>
<p class="i2">Another Turkish Concession, 23</p>
<p class="i2">Envoys Extraordinary, 423</p>
<p class="i2">"Oliver 'Asks' for More", 263</p>
<p class="i2">"Wanted", 43</p>
</div>
</div>
<h3>Articles.</h3>
<div class="poem">
<div class="stanza">
<p><font class="sc">Anderson, Miss E.V.M.</font></p>
<p class="i2">Tragedy of an Author's Wife, 66</p>
</div>
<div class="stanza">
<p><font class="sc">Atkey, Bertram</font></p>
<p class="i2">Best of Things (The), 94</p>
</div>
<div class="stanza">
<p><font class="sc">Bird, A.W.</font></p>
<p class="i2">Bridge Notes, 304</p>
<p class="i2">Conspiracy, 376</p>
<p class="i2">Domestic Strategy, 130</p>
<p class="i2">Poisson d'Avril, 274</p>
</div>
<div class="stanza">
<p><font class="sc">Brahms, Miss M.</font></p>
<p class="i2">Egoist (The), 34</p>
<p class="i2">Riding Lesson (The), 76</p>
</div>
<div class="stanza">
<p><font class="sc">Bretherton, Cyril</font></p>
<p class="i2">Charivaria, weekly</p>
<p class="i2">Guinea-pigs, 98</p>
<p class="i2">To Jessie, 198</p>
<p class="i2">To my Butter Ration, 70</p>
</div>
<div class="stanza">
<p><font class="sc">Brown, C.L.M.</font></p>
<p class="i2">Our Invincible Navy, 24</p>
<p class="i2">What of the Dumps?, 218</p>
<p class="i2">With the Auxiliary Patrol, 62</p>
</div>
<div class="stanza">
<p><font class="sc">Brown, Hilton</font></p>
<p class="i2">Cutchery Cats, 438</p>
<p class="i2">Demobbed, 258</p>
<p class="i2">Home Thoughts from Hind, 86</p>
<p class="i2">Labuntur Anni, 286</p>
</div>
<div class="stanza">
<p><font class="sc">Bullett, Gerald</font></p>
<p class="i2">Exile (The), 96</p>
</div>
<div class="stanza">
<p><font class="sc">Burton, C.E.</font></p>
<p class="i2">Flat to Let (A), 222</p>
</div>
<div class="stanza">
<p><font class="sc">Byles, C.E.</font></p>
<p class="i2">Analgesia, 434</p>
<p class="i2">Tale of the Tuneful Tub (The), 78</p>
<p class="i2">To a Dentist, 409</p>
<p class="i2">To the New Policeman, 449</p>
</div>
<div class="stanza">
<p><font class="sc">Carter, Desmond</font></p>
<p class="i2">Spring Song (A), 250</p>
</div>
<div class="stanza">
<p><font class="sc">Casson, C.R.</font></p>
<p class="i2">Coward (The), 144</p>
<p class="i2">Indiarubber Bloke (The), 254</p>
<p class="i2">Much the Better Half, 408</p>
<p class="i2">My Début in <i>Punch</i>, 49</p>
<p class="i2">On Approval, 444</p>
<p class="i2">Peace with Honour, 288</p>
</div>
<div class="stanza">
<p><font class="sc">Casson, E.K.</font></p>
<p class="i2">Anniversary (The), 186</p>
<p class="i2">Cap that Fits (The), 433</p>
</div>
<div class="stanza">
<p><font class="sc">Chandler, Miss B.W.</font></p>
<p class="i2">Fancy Bird (A), 174</p>
</div>
<div class="stanza">
<p><font class="sc">Clark, Dudley</font></p>
<p class="i2">Small Farm (A), 395</p>
</div>
<div class="stanza">
<p><font class="sc">Collins, Gilbert</font></p>
<p class="i2">Questionable Alien (The), 13</p>
</div>
<div class="stanza">
<p><font class="sc">Conran, E.D.</font></p>
<p class="i2">On the Western Front, 298</p>
</div>
<div class="stanza">
<p><font class="sc">Coxon, Major A.M.</font></p>
<p class="i2">Popular Cricket, 510</p>
</div>
<div class="stanza">
<p><font class="sc">Crawford, L.J.</font></p>
<p class="i2">Liar's Masterpiece (A), 382</p>
<p class="i2">Rates of Exchange, 216</p>
</div>
<div class="stanza">
<p><font class="sc">Cundy, C.W.</font></p>
<p class="i2">All for Jane, 344</p>
<p class="i2">Another Dog Dispute, 464</p>
<p class="i2">Chippo's Scenario, 290</p>
<p class="i2">Conflict of Emotions (A), 108</p>
<p class="i2">Inter-Service Match (An), 228</p>
<p class="i2">Limpet of War (A), 64</p>
<p class="i2">Mardi Gras, 126</p>
<p class="i2">Newspaper Scoop (A), 8</p>
<p class="i2">Smuggler (The), 45</p>
<p class="i2">Sporting Golf, 84</p>
<p class="i2">Won on the Posts, 184</p>
</div>
<div class="stanza">
<p><font class="sc">Darmady, E.S.</font></p>
<p class="i2">Burial of Dundee (The), 53</p>
<p class="i2">Error of Judgment at Epsom, 435</p>
</div>
<div class="stanza">
<p><font class="sc">Davis, R.K.</font></p>
<p class="i2">Shakspeare the Traducer, 58</p>
</div>
<div class="stanza">
<p><font class="sc">Drennan, Max</font></p>
<p class="i2">Little Tales for Young Plumbers, 86</p>
<p class="i2">Our Ballybun Lottery, 42</p>
<p class="i2">Rise and Fall of an Amateur Examiner (The), 244</p>
</div>
<div class="stanza">
<p><font class="sc">Eastwood, Capt.</font></p>
<p class="i2">King's Regulations, para. 1696, 362</p>
</div>
<div class="stanza">
<p><font class="sc">Eckersley, Arthur</font></p>
<p class="i2">Dram. Bac., 236</p>
<p class="i2">Witchcraft, 198</p>
</div>
<div class="stanza">
<p><font class="sc">Elias, Frank</font></p>
<p class="i2">Author-Managers (The), 366</p>
<p class="i2">Shattered Romances, 128</p>
</div>
<div class="stanza">
<p><font class="sc">Farjeon, Miss E.</font></p>
<p class="i2">Two Nightmares, 106</p>
</div>
<div class="stanza">
<p><font class="sc">Fay, S.J.</font></p>
<p class="i2">Authorship for All, 462, 486</p>
<p class="i2">Billiards, 46</p>
<p class="i2">Bunch of Poets (A), 6</p>
<p class="i2">Dora at the Play, 186</p>
<p class="i2">Golden Geese, 75</p>
<p class="i2">Great Mutton Campaign (The), 218</p>
<p class="i2">My Fire, 28</p>
<p class="i2">Rings from Saturn, 104</p>
<p class="i2">Seaside Issues, 248</p>
<p class="i2">Suzanne's Banking Account, 168</p>
<p class="i2">Taking of Timothy (The), 327</p>
<p class="i2">Wolf and the Lamb (The), 142</p>
</div>
<div class="stanza">
<p><font class="sc">Fox-Smith, Miss C.</font></p>
<p class="i2">Figure-Heads, 386</p>
<p class="i2">Packet Rat (The), 266</p>
<p class="i2">Pictures, 110</p>
<p class="i2">So Long, 44</p>
<p class="i2">Tow-rope Girls (The), 350</p>
<p class="i2">Witches, 156</p>
<p class="i2">Words of Wisdom, 10</p>
</div>
<div class="stanza">
<p><font class="sc">Fyleman, Miss Rose</font></p>
<p class="i2">Fairy Ball (The), 389</p>
<p class="i2">Devil in Devon (The), 418</p>
<p class="i2">Sometimes, 476</p>
<p class="i2">Visit (The), 300</p>
</div>
<div class="stanza">
<p><font class="sc">Fyson, G.F.</font></p>
<p class="i2">Communism at Cambridge, 390</p>
</div>
<div class="stanza">
<p><font class="sc">Garstin, Crosbie</font></p>
<p class="i2">Cornish Cottage (A), 466</p>
<p class="i2">Cornish Lullaby (A), 509</p>
<p class="i2">Fixes the Hare, 88</p>
<p class="i2">George and the Cow-Dragon, 164</p>
<p class="i2">Insomniac (The), 124</p>
<p class="i2">Jumble Sale (The), 68</p>
<p class="i2">Letter to the Back-Blocks (A), 16</p>
<p class="i2">Madding Crowd (The), 305</p>
<p class="i2">Maiden's Bower Rocks, Scilly, 486</p>
<p class="i2">Painful Subject (A), 26</p>
<p class="i2">Western Light-houses, 456</p>
</div>
<div class="stanza">
<p><font class="sc">Gillman, Capt. W.H.</font></p>
<p class="i2">More Championships, 77</p>
</div>
<div class="stanza">
<p><font class="sc">Goodhart, Mrs. H.</font></p>
<p class="i2">Bird Calls, 317, 356, 396</p>
</div>
<div class="stanza">
<p><font class="sc">Graham, R.D.C.</font></p>
<p class="i2">Loquacious Instinct (The), 448</p>
</div>
<div class="stanza">
<p><font class="sc">Graves, C.L.</font></p>
<p class="i2">Animal Helps, 15</p>
<p class="i2">Books and Backs, 78</p>
<p class="i2">Bridging the Literary Gulf, 396</p>
<p class="i2">Bubble and Squeak, 215</p>
<p class="i2">Candour of Keynes (The), 33</p>
<p class="i2">Easter in Wild Wales, 278</p>
<p class="i2">"First Hundred" of Loeb (The), 7</p>
<p class="i2">Freud and Jung, 193</p>
<p class="i2">From the Dance World, 310</p>
<p class="i2">From the Film World, 510</p>
<p class="i2">Future of Apsley House (The), 475</p>
<p class="i2">How to Pacify Ireland, 458</p>
<p class="i2">Magnanimous Mottoes, 418</p>
<p class="i2">Methodic Madness, 436</p>
<p class="i2">Modern Moon-rakers, 58</p>
<p class="i2">Musical Amenities, 96</p>
<p class="i2">Musical Notes, 496</p>
<p class="i2">New Courtiership (The), 514</p>
<p class="i2">New Isle of the Blest (A), 154</p>
<p class="i2">Paradise of Bards (The), 478</p>
<p class="i2">Reds and Dark Blues, 246</p>
<p class="i2">Revolt of the Super-Georgians, 118</p>
<p class="i2">Screen <i>v.</i> Stage, 256</p>
<p class="i2">Storm in a Tea-Shop (A), 129</p>
<p class="i2">Tall Talk, 322</p>
<p class="i2">Wanderer in Norfolk (The), 296</p>
<p class="i2">Wizards: Klingsor and Another, 166</p>
</div>
<div class="stanza">
<p><font class="sc">Greenland, George</font></p>
<p class="i2">Best Picture in the Academy, 402</p>
</div>
<div class="stanza">
<p><font class="sc">Guest, O.H.</font></p>
<p class="i2">Tartar Princess (The), 406</p>
</div>
<div class="stanza">
<p><font class="sc">Herbert, A.P.</font></p>
<p class="i2">About Bathrooms, 244</p>
<p class="i2">Art of Poetry (The), 426, 446, 482</p>
<p class="i2">Boat-Race Again (The), 208</p>
<p class="i2">Dog's Life (A), 508</p>
<p class="i2">Genius of Mr. Bradshaw (The), 226</p>
<p class="i2">Little Bits of London, 284, 334, 468</p>
<p class="i2">Making of a Crisis (The), 388</p>
<p class="i2">Manual Play, 366</p>
<p class="i2">Tools of Trade, 264</p>
</div>
<div class="stanza">
<p><font class="sc">Heyer, George</font></p>
<p class="i2">Getting Fixed, 488</p>
<p class="i2">Practice of the Crews (The), 226</p>
</div>
<div class="stanza">
<p><font class="sc">Hodgkinson, T.</font></p>
<p class="i2">Another Post-office Hold-up, 476</p>
<p class="i2">Big-Game Cure (The), 113</p>
<p class="i2">Hope for Posterity, 96</p>
<p class="i2">Safety Play, 324</p>
<p class="i2">Second Time of Asking (The), 210</p>
<p class="i2">This for Remembrance, 294</p>
<p class="i2">To a Coming Champion, 370</p>
<p class="i2">To James (Mule) who has Played me False, 166</p>
<p class="i2">Tube Cure (The), 6</p>
</div>
<div class="stanza">
<p><font class="sc">Holland, T.W.</font></p>
<p class="i2">Day by Day in the World Of Crime, 149</p>
</div>
<div class="stanza">
<p><font class="sc">Holmes, Capt. W.K.</font></p>
<p class="i2">Personal Element at a Motor Show (The), 242</p>
<p class="i2">Yeoman Transformed (The), 218</p>
</div>
<div class="stanza">
<p><font class="sc">Hooper, R.S.</font></p>
<p class="i2">Hints on Advertising, 338</p>
</div>
<div class="stanza">
<p><font class="sc">Jackson, Wilfrid</font></p>
<p class="i2">Palace and the Cottage (The), 378</p>
</div>
<div class="stanza">
<p><font class="sc">Jagger, Arthur</font></p>
<p class="i2">Connoisseur (The), 338</p>
<p class="i2">One Sportsman to Another, 406</p>
</div>
<div class="stanza">
<p><font class="sc">Jay, Thomas</font></p>
<p class="i2">Charivaria, weekly</p>
<p class="i2">Etiquette for Fires, 266</p>
<p class="i2">How to act in Emergencies, 113</p>
<p class="i2">Passing of the Litter (The), 55</p>
</div>
<div class="stanza">
<p><font class="sc">Jenkins, Ernest</font></p>
<p class="i2">Actress (The), 258</p>
<p class="i2">Another Crisis, 38</p>
<p class="i2">By the Stream, 298</p>
<p class="i2">Film Notes, 158</p>
<p class="i2">New Appeal (The), 122</p>
</div>
<div class="stanza">
<p><font class="sc">Jennens, Mrs.</font></p>
<p class="i2">Le Monde où l'on travaille, 342</p>
</div>
<div class="stanza">
<p><font class="sc">Kidd, A.</font></p>
<p class="i2">More Intensive Production, 115</p>
<p class="i2">Our Day of Unrest, 30</p>
</div>
<div class="stanza">
<p><font class="sc">Kilpatrick, Mrs</font>.</p>
<p class="i2">Elizabeth and her Young Man, 348</p>
<p class="i2">Elizabeth's Tip for the Derby, 428</p>
<p class="i2">My Sales Day, 30</p>
<p class="i2">Party Tactics, 268</p>
</div>
<div class="stanza">
<p><font class="sc">Knox, E.V.</font></p>
<p class="i2">Amalgamated Society of Passengers (The), 134</p>
<p class="i2">Book of Adventure (The), 46</p>
<p class="i2">Brain Wave (The), 456</p>
<p class="i2">Capua, 470</p>
<p class="i2">Coalition of 1950 (The), 189</p>
<p class="i2">Dead Tree (The), 150</p>
<p class="i2">Der Tag Once More, 366</p>
<p class="i2">Domestic Problem (The), 22</p>
<p class="i2">Fair Wear and Tear, 202</p>
<p class="i2">Fame, 178</p>
<p class="i2">Hampstead, 404</p>
<p class="i2">Home-Sickness, 386</p>
<p class="i2">Labour and Art, 93</p>
<p class="i2">Labour and the Russian Ballet, 286</p>
<p class="i2">National Coal, 246</p>
<p class="i2">New Modes for Mars, 485</p>
<p class="i2">Note on Chesterfields (A), 504</p>
<p class="i2">Note to Nature (A), 237</p>
<p class="i2">Possession, 262</p>
<p class="i2">Practical Zoology, 430</p>
<p class="i2">Priscilla Dialogue (A), 466</p>
<p class="i2">Raw Soul Stuff, 494</p>
<p class="i2">Sorrows of a Super-Profiteer, 66</p>
<p class="i2">Spring at Kew, 318</p>
<p class="i2">Vanished Species (A), 326</p>
<p class="i2">Vermin Offensive (A), 106</p>
<p class="i2">When the Chestnut Flowers, 346</p>
</div>
<div class="stanza">
<p><font class="sc">Langley, F.O.</font></p>
<p class="i2">Cox and Box, 146</p>
<p class="i2">Last of the Watch Dogs (The), 224</p>
<p class="i2">Songs of the Home, 14, 78, 207</p>
</div>
<div class="stanza">
<p><font class="sc">Letts, Miss W.M.</font></p>
<p class="i2">Elfin Tube (The), 486</p>
</div>
<div class="stanza">
<p><font class="sc">Lewis, M.A.</font></p>
<p class="i2">Genius at Play, 365</p>
<p class="i2">Incorrigible (The), 158</p>
<p class="i2">Presence of Mind, 295</p>
</div>
<div class="stanza">
<p><font class="sc">Lipscomb, W.P.</font></p>
<p class="i2">Peter and Judy, 114</p>
<p class="i2">Telephone Tactics, 306</p>
</div>
<div class="stanza">
<p><font class="sc">Locker, W.A.</font></p>
<p class="i2">Essence of Parliament, weekly</p>
</div>
<div class="stanza">
<p><font class="sc">Lucas, E.V.</font></p>
<p class="i2">Battle of the Mothers (The), 514</p>
</div>
<div class="stanza">
<p><font class="sc">Martin, N.R.</font></p>
<p class="i2">Buy Election (A), 195</p>
<p class="i2">Great Divorce Question (The), 416</p>
<p class="i2">How to gain a Journalistic Position, 2</p>
<p class="i2">My One Admirer, 278</p>
</div>
<div class="stanza">
<p><font class="sc">Mitchell, E.W.</font></p>
<p class="i2">Golf Notes, 188</p>
</div>
<div class="stanza">
<p><font class="sc">Morrison, A.C.L.</font></p>
<p class="i2">Identification of Hobbs (The), 302</p>
</div>
<div class="stanza">
<p><font class="sc">Murray, John</font></p>
<p class="i2">Auction in the Spacious Times, 162</p>
<p class="i2">Importunity, 496</p>
</div>
<div class="stanza">
<p><font class="sc">Norriss, Cecil</font></p>
<p class="i2">Charivaria, weekly</p>
</div>
<div class="stanza">
<p><font class="sc">Ogilvie, W.H.</font></p>
<p class="i2">Single Hound (A), 134</p>
</div>
<div class="stanza">
<p><font class="sc">Palmer, Arnold</font></p>
<p class="i2">High-brows, Ltd., 355</p>
</div>
<div class="stanza">
<p><font class="sc">Payne, Miss D.M.</font></p>
<p class="i2">Jazzerwocky, 26</p>
</div>
<div class="stanza">
<p><font class="sc">Pigott, E.W.</font></p>
<p class="i2">Saturdays, 75</p>
</div>
<div class="stanza">
<p><font class="sc">Richardson, R.J.</font></p>
<p class="i2">Holiday Anticipations, 502</p>
<p class="i2">Serene Batsman (The), 422</p>
</div>
<div class="stanza">
<p><font class="sc">Rigby, Reginald</font></p>
<p class="i2">Moo-Cow (The), 73</p>
<p class="i2">On the Eating of Asparagus, 502</p>
<p class="i2">Perfect Scullery (The), 416</p>
<p class="i2">What-Not (The), 17</p>
</div>
<div class="stanza">
<p><font class="sc">Salvidge, Stanley</font></p>
<p class="i2">Latest Party (The), 235</p>
</div>
<div class="stanza">
<p><font class="sc">Seaman, Owen</font></p>
<p class="i2">At the Play, 18, 36, 116, 136, 156, 276, 316, 498</p>
<p class="i2">Benefits of Peace (The), 42</p>
<p class="i2">Clothes and the Poet, 142</p>
<p class="i2">Fashions for Men, 22</p>
<p class="i2">Healing Waters of Spa (The), 342</p>
<p class="i2">Junker Interlude (A), 222</p>
<p class="i2">Liberal Breach (The), 382</p>
<p class="i2">May-Week, 462</p>
<p class="i2">Men and Things of the Moment, 182</p>
<p class="i2">Nature and Art, 2</p>
<p class="i2">"New" World (The), 202</p>
<p class="i2">Odysseus at the Derby, 422</p>
<p class="i2">Of certain Brutuses who missed their Mark, 82</p>
<p class="i2">On the Italian Riviera, 302</p>
<p class="i2">Open Letter to France (An), 517</p>
<p class="i2">Paisley to the Rescue of the Coalition, 162</p>
<p class="i2">Selfless Party (A), 122</p>
<p class="i2">Summer-time, 242</p>
<p class="i2">Sweet Influences of Trade (The), 62</p>
<p class="i2">Thoughts on the Budget, 322</p>
<p class="i2">To a Bricklayer in Repose, 362</p>
<p class="i2">To America, 102</p>
<p class="i2">"University Intelligence", 442</p>
<p class="i2">Virtue that begins away from Home (The), 402</p>
<p class="i2">Wisdom up to date—12th Edition, 282</p>
</div>
<div class="stanza">
<p><font class="sc">Sieveking, G.E.</font></p>
<p class="i2">Story with a Point (A), 122</p>
</div>
<div class="stanza">
<p><font class="sc">Solomon, G.G.</font></p>
<p class="i2">"Small Ads.", 102</p>
</div>
<div class="stanza">
<p><font class="sc">Stanhope, E.V.</font></p>
<p class="i2">Vers très libre, 262</p>
</div>
<div class="stanza">
<p><font class="sc">Stuart, Miss D.M.</font></p>
<p class="i2">For Remembrance, 450</p>
<p class="i2">Sussex Gods, 346</p>
</div>
<div class="stanza">
<p><font class="sc">Symns, J.M.</font></p>
<p class="i2">Water-Babies, 118</p>
</div>
<div class="stanza">
<p><font class="sc">Talbot, A.J.</font></p>
<p class="i2">Dead Sea Fruit, 154</p>
<p class="i2">New Wells for Old, 1</p>
<p class="i2">Perce Murgatroyd, Bricklayer, 455</p>
<p class="i2">Trying Day in Mediæval Times, 322</p>
<p class="i2">Word-Builders (The), 296</p>
</div>
<div class="stanza">
<p><font class="sc">Talbot, Miss Ethel</font></p>
<p class="i2">Why the Sparrow lives in the Town, 38</p>
</div>
<div class="stanza">
<p><font class="sc">Taylor, P.</font></p>
<p class="i2">Country Night Piece (A), 326</p>
</div>
<div class="stanza">
<p><font class="sc">Thorp, Joseph</font></p>
<p class="i2">At the Play, 116, 136, 156, 176, 236, 276, 336, 398, 438</p>
</div>
<div class="stanza">
<p><font class="sc">Wheelwright, J.E.</font></p>
<p class="i2">Our "Dumb" Pets Bureau, 257</p>
</div>
<div class="stanza">
<p><font class="sc">White, E.P.</font></p>
<p class="i2">Aural Tuition, 386</p>
<p class="i2">Connoisseur's Appreciation (A), 442</p>
<p class="i2">Essentials of Golf (The), 490</p>
<p class="i2">Life, 56</p>
<p class="i2">Labour-Saving, 506</p>
<p class="i2">Persistence of the Military, 476</p>
<p class="i2">Winter Sport in the Lower Alps, 204</p>
</div>
<div class="stanza">
<p><font class="sc">Woodward, Marcus</font></p>
<p class="i2">Meeting the Countess, 410</p>
</div>
<div class="stanza">
<p><font class="sc">Wyndham-Brown, W.F.</font></p>
<p class="i2">Dedications, 506</p>
</div>
<div class="stanza">
<p><font class="sc">Yonge, Rev. G.V.</font></p>
<p class="i2">Hound-Foxes 206</p>
</div>
</div>
<h3>Pictures and Sketches.</h3>
<div class="poem">
<div class="stanza">
<p><font class="sc">Armour, G.D.</font>, 14, 39, 59, 79, 95, 117, 138, 159, 179, 199, 219, 238, 279, 315, 375, 399, 445, 478, 494</p>
</div>
<div class="stanza">
<p><font class="sc">Baumer, Lewis</font>, 7, 30, 50, 70, 87, 110, 150, 167, 197, 230, 267, 330, 447, 490</p>
</div>
<div class="stanza">
<p><font class="sc">Bennett, Fred</font>, 468, 481</p>
</div>
<div class="stanza">
<p><font class="sc">Bird, W.</font>, 8, 28, 48, 76, 88, 108, 128, 148, 168, 188, 208, 228, 248, 268, 295, 316, 341, 361, 388, 480, 501</p>
</div>
<div class="stanza">
<p><font class="sc">Brock, H.M.</font>, 129, 244, 274, 298</p>
</div>
<div class="stanza">
<p><font class="sc">Brook, Ricardo</font>, 68</p>
</div>
<div class="stanza">
<p><font class="sc">Butcher, A.</font>, 20</p>
</div>
<div class="stanza">
<p><font class="sc">Cheney, Leo</font>, 433</p>
</div>
<div class="stanza">
<p><font class="sc">Cottrell, Tom</font>, 214, 229, 256, 349, 419, 499, 509</p>
</div>
<div class="stanza">
<p><font class="sc">Dixon, G.S.</font>, 441</p>
</div>
<div class="stanza">
<p><font class="sc">Dowd, J.H.</font>, 29, 53, 216, 294, 297, 327, 368, 405, 421, 461, 508</p>
</div>
<div class="stanza">
<p><font class="sc">Earnshaw, Harold</font>, 281</p>
</div>
<div class="stanza">
<p><font class="sc">Edwards, Lionel</font>, 259</p>
</div>
<div class="stanza">
<p><font class="sc">Evans, Treyer</font>, 280</p>
</div>
<div class="stanza">
<p><font class="sc">Ferrier, Arthur</font>, 140</p>
</div>
<div class="stanza">
<p>"<font class="sc">Fougasse</font>", 13, 21, 37, 57, 69, 97, 114, 130, 161, 201, 221, 288, 357, 379, 417, 437, 477</p>
</div>
<div class="stanza">
<p><font class="sc">Fraser, Peter</font>, 41, 93, 160, 225, 234, 320, 340, 358, 378, 428, 434</p>
</div>
<div class="stanza">
<p><font class="sc">Gammon, Reg</font>., 209</p>
</div>
<div class="stanza">
<p><font class="sc">Ghilchik, D.L.</font>, 141</p>
</div>
<div class="stanza">
<p><font class="sc">Grave, Charles</font>, 41, 85, 115, 205, 265, 285, 345, 394, 408, 414, 425, 459, 485</p>
</div>
<div class="stanza">
<p><font class="sc">Harrison, Charles</font>, 157, 194</p>
</div>
<div class="stanza">
<p><font class="sc">Haselden, W.K.</font>, 18, 36, 116, 136, 156, 276, 336, 398, 438, 498</p>
</div>
<div class="stanza">
<p><font class="sc">Henry, Thomas</font>, 475</p>
</div>
<div class="stanza">
<p><font class="sc">Howells, W.A.</font>, 176, 241</p>
</div>
<div class="stanza">
<p><font class="sc">Jennis, G.</font>, 77, 255, 319, 404, 515</p>
</div>
<div class="stanza">
<p><font class="sc">Lloyd, A.W.</font>, 133, 153, 154, 173, 174, 193, 213, 233, 253, 254, 273, 313, 333, 334, 353, 354, 373, 393, 413, 453, 473, 493, 512, 513</p>
</div>
<div class="stanza">
<p><font class="sc">Mills, A. Wallis</font>, 25, 49, 74, 94, 109, 125 147, 175, 185, 207, 239, 245, 270, 287, 317, 325, 347, 387, 418, 429, 457, 465, 484, 504</p>
</div>
<div class="stanza">
<p><font class="sc">Moreland, Arthur</font>, 24</p>
</div>
<div class="stanza">
<p><font class="sc">Morrow, George</font>, 9, 40, 60, 80, 100, 120, 121, 155, 180, 181, 220, 240, 260, 261, 300, 308, 338, 360, 377, 397, 400, 420, 430, 448, 474, 488, 516</p>
</div>
<div class="stanza">
<p><font class="sc">Norris, Arthur</font>, 119, 500</p>
</div>
<div class="stanza">
<p><font class="sc">Partridge, Bernard</font>, 1</p>
</div>
<div class="stanza">
<p><font class="sc">Peddie</font>, 514</p>
</div>
<div class="stanza">
<p><font class="sc">Pett, Norman</font>, 58, 381, 440</p>
</div>
<div class="stanza">
<p><font class="sc">Prance, Bertram</font>, 33, 61, 165, 200, 299, 305, 321, 348, 359, 415, 460</p>
</div>
<div class="stanza">
<p><font class="sc">Raven-Hill, L.</font>, 19, 75, 135, 169, 215, 250, 261, 310, 374, 401, 454, 513, 518</p>
</div>
<div class="stanza">
<p><font class="sc">Reynolds, Frank</font>, 17, 34, 44, 67, 84, 104, 137, 144, 164, 184, 204, 237, 247, 277, 284, 304, 324, 344, 364, 384, 407, 427, 450, 464, 497, 507</p>
</div>
<div class="stanza">
<p><font class="sc">Shepard, E.H.</font>, 15, 47, 99, 127, 190, 227, 337, 389, 479, 487</p>
</div>
<div class="stanza">
<p><font class="sc">Shepperson, C.A.</font> 27, 107, 187, 307, 367, 467</p>
</div>
<div class="stanza">
<p><font class="sc">Smith, A.T.</font> 101, 149</p>
</div>
<div class="stanza">
<p><font class="sc">Speed, Lancelot</font>, 301, 455</p>
</div>
<div class="stanza">
<p><font class="sc">Stampa, G.L.</font>, 5, 54, 89, 105, 124, 177, 196, 217, 235, 257, 269, 289, 314, 329, 355, 369, 395, 439, 458, 469, 489, 510</p>
</div>
<div class="stanza">
<p><font class="sc">Terry, Stan</font>., 98</p>
</div>
<div class="stanza">
<p><font class="sc">Thomas, Bert</font>, 4, 35, 45, 65, 145, 195, 293, 328, 339, 354, 365, 385, 410, 424, 449</p>
</div>
<div class="stanza">
<p><font class="sc">Townsend, F.H.</font> 10, 55, 73, 90, 113, 139, 170, 189, 210, 224, 249, 275, 290, 309, 335, 350, 370, 390, 409, 435, 444, 470, 495, 505</p>
</div>
<div class="stanza">
<p><font class="sc">Warden, A.H.</font>, 81</p>
</div>
<div class="stanza">
<p><font class="sc">White, Dyke</font>, 38</p>
</div>
</div>
<div class="figcenter" style="width:33%;">
<a href="images/495.png"><img width="100%" src="images/495.png"
alt="Finis" /></a>
</div>
<pre>
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