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diff --git a/16640.txt b/16640.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..53d2f4b --- /dev/null +++ b/16640.txt @@ -0,0 +1,2540 @@ +The Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 158, +June 30th, 1920, by Various + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 158, June 30th, 1920 + +Author: Various + +Release Date: September 4, 2005 [EBook #16640] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ASCII + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH *** + + + + +Produced by Jonathan Ingram, Keith Edkins and the Online +Distributed Proofreading Team at https://www.pgdp.net + + + + + +PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. + +VOL. 158. + + + +June 30th, 1920. + + + + +CHARIVARIA. + +Fewer births are recorded in Ireland during the past seven months. No +surprise can be felt, for we cannot imagine anybody being born in Ireland +on purpose just now. + +* * * + +A London firm are now manufacturing what they call the smallest motor-car +on the market. How great a boon this will be to the general public will be +gathered from the report that one of these cars has been knocked down by a +pedestrian. + +* * * + +According to a Sunday paper MUSTAPHA KEMAL wants as soldiers only those who +will die for their belief in his cause. Previous experience is not +essential. + +* * * + +Citizens of Ealing have protested against Sunday concerts unless Sunday +bathing is also permitted. The pre-war custom of merely sponging the ears +after attending a recital was never wholly satisfactory. + +* * * + +According to an inscription on the score card of the North Berwick Club, +"golf is a science in which you may exhaust yourself but never your +subject." Several clubs, however, claim to possess colonels who can say +practically all that is worth saying about the game without stopping to get +their second wind. + +* * * + +Girls have broadened out a lot, declared a speaker at the annual conference +of the Head-mistresses' Association. The home-made jumper, it appears, has +been coming in for a good deal of unmerited blame. + +* * * + +A middle-aged man was charged at the Thames Police Court the other day with +having an altercation with a lamp-post. It appears that the man called the +lamp-post "Pussyfoot," and the latter promptly knocked him down. + +* * * + +Special courts, it is stated, are to be set up for the trial of Irish +criminals. The need, we gather, is for some machinery by which the trial +can be conducted in the absence of the prisoner. + +* * * + +"I have put in a good three months in the garden," Mr. SMILLIE told a +reporter, on his return to London, "and have coaxed some nice red roses +out." Coaxing the nice red miners out is comparatively easy work. + +* * * + +On a question of equipment Ashford Fire Brigade has resigned. It is not +known yet whether local fires will go out in sympathy with the Brigade. + +* * * + +Letchworth, the first Garden City, has voted itself dry by a majority of +sixty-five. There seems to be a lack of hospitality in this attempt to +discourage American visitors. + +* * * + +The latest news from Turkey, Russia and Ireland sets us wondering what the +War made the world safe for. + +* * * + +Ants, we are informed, will not come near the hands of a person if well +rubbed with a raw onion. The last time we attempted to rub an ant with a +raw onion he broke away and made a dash for the hills. + +* * * + +_The Chicago Tribune_ points out that two attempts have been made on the +life of the EX-KAISER. It is hoped that he will realise that it would be a +breach of etiquette to get assassinated before the Allies have decided what +is to be done with him. + +* * * + +We understand that one of the New Poor who recently found a burglar in his +house searching for money immediately offered the intruder ten per cent. if +he proved successful. + +* * * + +Referring to the report in these columns last week that two bricklayers +were seen to remove their coats at Finsbury Park, we now hear that it was +simply done to oblige a photographer who was understood to have been sent +down by Dr. ADDISON. + +* * * + +Among the articles left in trains on a South Coast railway is a sandwich. +Unless claimed within three days we understand that it will be broken up +and sold to defray expenses. + + * * * * * + +IMPORTANT NOTICE. + +Mr. Punch begs leave to draw the attention of the Intelligent Public to the +fact that on Monday next, July 5th, he proposes to publish a Special Summer +Number. All his previous Summer Numbers have appeared in the form of an +ordinary weekly issue, with additional holiday and other matter. This is a +Special Summer Number, altogether distinct from the weekly issue. It will +contain thirty-six pages, almost entirely made up of drawings, and +including several pages of illustrations in three colours. Mr. Punch has +great pleasure in inviting his friends to encourage him in this new +venture. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: THE GORGEOUS UNIFORMS OF THE PAST MAY BE RE-INTRODUCED INTO +THE ARMY; BUT, IF SO, THE CINEMA ATTENDANT WILL NOT GIVE IN WITHOUT A +STRUGGLE.] + + * * * * * + +OUR ENTERPRISING CONTEMPORARIES. + + "NEWS BY WIRE AND AIR. + + To-day is the longest day."--"_Daily Mail_," _June 21st_. + + * * * * * + +THE EXPANSION OF SCOTLAND. + + "The most interesting features of the vital statistics of Scotland.... + The girth-rate was higher than those of all first quarters since 1891. + --_Daily Paper._ + + * * * * * + +OUR MERRY MUNICIPALITIES. + + "---- TOWN COUNCIL. + + MINUTES FOR MONDAY'S MEETING. + + MORE INCREASES OF WAGS."--_Provincial Paper._ + + * * * * * + +THREATENED UNREST AT THE ZOO. + + "Mr. Churchill has made up his mind, but if he gets his way every + tadpole and tapir will take it as a precedent."--_Daily News._ + + * * * * * + + "In a driving competition Ray drove 723 yards, one inch."--_South + African Paper._ + +Another inch, and we should have refused to believe it. + + * * * * * + + "WILSON WOULD TAKE MANDATE OVER AMERICA. + + WASHINGTON, May 25.--President Wilson Monday asked authority from + Congress for the United States to accept a mandate over Armenia.-- + _Canadian Paper._ + +But there is no reason to believe that the headline is inaccurate. + + * * * * * + +HOLIDAY ANTICIPATIONS. + + [Now that holiday-planning is in season we have pleasure in announcing + a few proposed schemes for the recreation of some of the mighty brains + that shape our destinies and guide our groping intelligences. But it + must be clearly understood that in these inconstant times we cannot + vouch for their authenticity or guarantee fulfilment.] + +MR. ASQUITH'S recent success in spotting the winner of the Derby is +believed to have inspired Mr. LLOYD GEORGE with an idea of combining his +present policy of always going one, if not two or three, better than the +Old Man with a public demonstration of the extent to which the crude +Puritanism of his youth has been mellowed by sympathies more in keeping +with his later political alliances. He is credited with the intention of +putting to appropriate use his peculiar gifts of non-committal prophecy and +persuasive casuistry, and at the same time making sure of a profitable +holiday in the open air by "doing" the Sussex Fortnight, beginning with the +Goodwood meeting, in the capacity of Downy Dave, a race-course tipster. + + * * * * * + +There is reason to believe that, if the Recess should afford Sir WILLIAM +SUTHERLAND an opportunity to indulge his craving for the Simple Life, he +will proceed to Italy to join the coterie of ascetics known as the Assisi +Set. His conspicuous ability in telling the tale to the London Pressmen +encourages expectations that he will be no less successful as a preacher to +the birds, after the manner of St. FRANCIS, the founder of the cult. + + * * * * * + +In financial circles it is expected that Mr. CHAMBERLAIN will spend the +vacation _incognito_ in the neighbourhood of Blackpool, partly for the sake +of the invigorating air, but mainly, in view of the abnormal prosperity of +Lancashire, for the purpose of considering on the spot the possibilities of +a levy on capital as a local experiment. + + * * * * * + +A rumour is current in Whitehall, and gains colour from the activity in +certain seaports, that, in consequence of Earl CURZON'S having been +informed that the number of Channel-swimmers is likely to be unusually +large this summer, his lordship has decided to take command of a fleet of +Foreign Office launches, which will patrol the coast to make sure that none +of these persons is unprovided with a passport. + + * * * * * + +At Unity House a suspicion is entertained that Sir ERIC GEDDES contemplates +utilising the holidays for the double purpose of working off superfluous +steam and familiarizing himself with the true attitude of the railwaymen by +working as a stoker on one of the great main lines. Should this scheme be +carried into effect arrangements are in readiness to compel him to become a +member of the N.U.R. + + * * * * * + +It is hoped that Mr. AUGUSTUS JOHN will be able to accompany Lord +BEAVERBROOK to Canada this summer, so that his lordship may gratify his +lifelong ambition to be painted by Mr. JOHN, with the primeval backwoods +for a setting, in the character of a _coureur-des-bois_, of the type +immortalized by Sir GILBERT PARKER in _Pierre_. + + * * * * * + +As far as can be ascertained, Mr. BERNARD SHAW intends to devote the +holidays to verifying the report of his namesake, Mr. TOM SHAW (with whom +he has been stupidly confused), on the Bolshevik _regime_. He will probably +enter Russia secretly, accompanied by a mixed party of vegetarian Fabians +disguised as Muscovites, so that in the event of being denounced as +Boorjoos they may hope to pass for returning Dukhobors, or, in case of +detection, for an amateur theatrical company touring with _Labour's Love's +Lost_. + + * * * * * + +We understand that Lords LONSDALE and BIRKENHEAD are making arrangements +for a joint trip to Cuba, in order to investigate personally the condition +and prospects of the Havana leaf industry. It will not be surprising if +this visit bears fruit in the shape of the eighteen-inch super-cigar which +sporting men have been for so long demanding. + + * * * * * + +ON THE EATING OF ASPARAGUS. + +There were twenty-three ways of eating asparagus known to the ancients. Of +these the best known method was to suspend it on pulleys about three feet +from the ground and "approach the green" on one's back along the floor; but +it was discontinued about the middle of the fourth century, and no new +method worthy of serious consideration was subsequently evolved, till the +August or September of 1875, when a Mr. Gunter-Brown wrote a letter to the +_A.A.R._ (_The Asparagus Absorbers' Review and Gross Feeders' Gazette_), +saying that he had patented a scheme more cleanly and less unsightly than +the practice of tilting the head backward at an angle of forty-five degrees +and lowering the asparagus into the expectant face, which is shown by +statistics to have been the mode usually adopted at that time. + +Mr. Gunter-Brown's apparatus, necessary to the method he advocated, +consisted of a silver or plated tube, into which each branch of asparagus, +except the last inch, was placed, and so drawn into the mouth by suction, +the eater grasping the last uneatable inch, together with the butt end of +the tube, in the palm of his hand. Asparagus branches being of variable +girth, a rubber washer inserted in the end of the tube furthest from the +eater's mouth helped to cause a vacuum. + +The inventor claimed that the edible portion of the delicacy became +detached if the intake of the eater was strong enough, but he overlooked +the fact that the necessary force caused the asparagus to pass through the +epiglottis into the oesophagus before the eater had time to enjoy the taste +(as was proved by experiment) and so all sense of pleasure was lost. + +More prospective marriages have been marred through the abuse of asparagus +at table than through mixed bathing at Tunbridge Wells. For instance, +though the matter was hushed up at the time, it is an open secret among +their friends that Miss Gladys Devereux broke off her engagement to young +Percy Gore-Mont on account of his _gaucherie_ when assimilating this weed +at a dinner-party. It seems that he simply threw himself at the stuff, and +that one of the servants had to comb the melted butter out of his hair +before he could appear in the drawing-room. + +The case of the Timminses, too, presents very sad features, though the +marriage was not in this case abandoned, the high contracting parties not +having once encountered a dish of asparagus simultaneously during the +engagement. Yet it is more than rumoured that when, at the end of the close +season, asparagus may be hunted, there is considerable friction in the +Timminses' household, because Mrs. Timmins plays with a straight fork, +while Timmins affects the crouching style. + +Happily, however, a light at last appears to be shining through the +darkness. Under the auspices of the Vegetable Growers Association (Luxury +Trades section) an asparagus eating contest has been arranged to take place +in the Floral Hall early in July. As the entrants to date include a +contortionist and at least three well-known war-profiteers it is +confidently expected that some startling methods will be exhibited which +may revolutionise asparagus-eating in this country. + + * * * * * + + "DUNOON.--Sitting room and two bedrooms to let for month of Dunoon."-- + _Scotch Paper._ + +We welcome the introduction of "rhyming slang" to brighten up the +advertisement columns. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: PARADISE LOST AGAIN? + +MR. ASQUITH (_to John Bull_). "OF COURSE MESOPOTAMIA IS A BEAUTIFUL PLACE, +AND NO ONE HAS EVER BEEN ANXIOUS TO VACATE THE GARDEN OF EDEN; BUT YOU MUST +REFLECT THAT THE COST OF ITS UPKEEP HAS INCREASED ENORMOUSLY SINCE ADAM'S +TIME."] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Lady of the Manor._ "HOWDY, BO? SIT RIGHT DOWN. I SURE HOPE +YOU'RE FEELING FULL OF PEP! EXCUSE ME, VICAR, BUT I'M PRACTISING A FEW +PHRASES SO THAT IN CASE I MEET ANY OF THIS AMERICAN INVASION I CAN MAKE +THEM FEEL AT HOME."] + + * * * * * + +A NOTE ON CHESTERFIELDS. + +In the Soviet Republic of Russia, I am told, no one can lay claim to the +title of worker unless his hands are hardened and roughened by toil, and +LENIN and TROTSKY have to take their turns at the rack, like the commonest +executioner. In England we are not nearly so particular about the manual +test, and, besides feeling quite kindly disposed towards professional +footballers, tea-tasters and the men who stand on Cornish cliffs and shout +when they see the pilchard shoals come in, we still give a certain amount +of credit to mere brain-work as well. + +There is, however, a poisonous idea prevalent, especially amongst the women +of this country, that a fellow is not working with his brain unless he is +walking rapidly up and down the room with wrinkles on his forehead, or +sitting on a hard chair at a table with a file of papers in front of him. +But there is no rule of this sort about the birth of great and beautiful +ideas in the human brain. It is all a matter of individual taste and habit. +I know a man, a poet, who thinks best on the Underground Railway, and that +is the reason why he said the other day, "Give me to gaze once more on the +blue hills," to the girl in the booking-office, when what he really wanted +was a ticket (of a light heliotrope colour) to St. James's Park. Lord +BYRON, on the other hand, composed a sorrowful ditty on the decadence of +the Isles of Greece whilst shaving; but the invention of the safety-razor +and the energetic action of M. VENIZELOS will most likely render it +unnecessary for anyone to repeat such a performance. As for the people who +have a sudden bright idea whilst they are dressing for dinner, they may be +dismissed at once, for they nearly always go to bed by mistake and, when +they wake up again extremely hungry, they have forgotten what it was. + +Most experts are really agreed that a recumbent or semi-recumbent position +is the best for creative thought, and another friend of mine, also a maker +of verses, has patented the very ingenious device of a pair of stirrups +just under the mantelshelf, so that, when he sits back in his armchair, he +can manage his Pegasus without having his feet continually slipping off the +marble surface into the fender. + +Much may be said too for a seat in a first-class railway carriage, when you +have the compartment all to yourself and the train is going at sixty miles +an hour or more. But England is hardly spacious enough for a really +sustained inspiration; and the result of being turned out suddenly at +Thurso, N.B., or Penzance is that some opening flower of the human +intellect fails to achieve its perfect bloom, and as likely as not your +golf clubs are left in the rack. + +There is also, of course, an influential school which believes strongly in +the early morning tea hour, and people who ought to know tell me that Mr. +WINSTON CHURCHILL plans new uniforms for the Guards as well as the campaign +in Mesopotamia with pink pyjamas on, and that the PRIME MINISTER can never +be persuaded to get up for breakfast until he has hit on a few of those +striking repartees which are subsequently translated by his posse of +interpreters into Russian, Italian, Bohemian and Erse. + +For my part, however, I swear by a Chesterfield sofa, a large one, on which +you can lie at full length, as I am lying now; the most comfortable thing +there is on earth, I think, except perhaps a truss of hay, when one has +been riding for about six consecutive hours in an army saddle. But there +are disadvantages even about a Chesterfield sofa. It is, to begin with, in +the drawing-room and in the drawing-room one is not so entirely immune from +the trivial incidents of everyday life as I like to be when I am having +brain-waves. Doors are opened and this creates a draught, and it is not the +slightest use attempting a real work of imagination when people will come +in and ask if I am lying on _The Literary Supplement_ of _The Times_ (as if +it were likely), or the anti-aircraft gun that the children were playing +with after lunch. For this reason I have had to invent an even better thing +than the ordinary Chesterfield sofa, and since it will be, when made, the +noblest piece of scientific upholstery in the world I will ask the printer +to write the next sentence in italics, please. + +_It is a Chesterfield sofa enclosed on all four sides._ Thank you. + +The marvels of this receptacle for human thought will dawn upon the reader +by slow degrees. Try to imagine yourself ensconced there, having climbed up +by the short flight of steps which will be attached to it, enisled and +remote amidst the surging traffic that sweeps through a drawing-room. +Instead of making a rapid bolt to escape from callers and probably meeting +them full tilt in the hall, you simply stay on, thinking. You have nothing +to fear from them, unless they are so inquisitive and ill-mannered as to +come and peep over the edge. With plenty of tobacco, a writing tablet and a +fountain-pen, you can stare at the anaglypta ceiling and dream noble +thoughts and put them down when you like without interruption. On sunny +days the apparatus can be wheeled on to the balcony, where the sapphire sky +will be exchanged for the anaglypta ceiling; and for winter use a metal +base will be supplied, under which you can place either an oil-stove or an +electric radiator. + +I should like to see this four-sided Chesterfield in offices also. The +master-strokes of commercial and administrative skill would be much more +masterly with most people if they did not have to proceed from a hard +office chair. You can easily dictate to a typist from the interior of a +Chesterfield, and, though I know that business men and Government officials +are often subjected to deputations, during which they have to look their +persecutors in the face, this difficulty could be overcome by means of a +sliding panel, through which the face of the recumbent administrator could +be poked when necessary, wearing the proper expression of shrewdness, +terror, conciliation or rage. I should like Sir ERIC GEDDES to have one of +my four-sided Chesterfields. + +With his usual sagacity the reader will probably remark here that the +four-sided Chesterfield can be procured ready-made at any moment by turning +the usual article round and pushing it up against the wall. This point has +not escaped notice, my friend. But you can hardly imagine the objections +that will be urged by the female members of your household against adopting +such a course in the drawing-room. They will assert, amongst other things, +that Mrs. Ponsonby-Smith is on the point of arriving and that she will +think you've done it on purpose. + +I shall have the upholsterer in to-morrow. + +EVOE. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Gladys._ "HAVE YOU ANY INTERESTING CASES COMING ON, SIR +CHARLES?" + +_Eminent K.C._ "WE HAVE A VERY INTRICATE AND TECHNICAL CASE COMING ON--MOST +INTERESTING. IT TURNS ON THE QUESTION WHETHER A CERTAIN SUBTERRANEAN +CONDUIT SHOULD BE CLASSIFIED AS A DRAIN OR A SEWER." + +_Gladys._ "OH, BUT WHY NOT ASK A PLUMBER?"] + + * * * * * + +DEDICATIONS. + +MR. COMPTON MACKENZIE has found it necessary to state publicly in a +dedication that his books have not been written by his sister. + +The following extracts are taken from possible future dedications by +various authors:-- + +_Mr. H.G. WELLS to the Bishop of LONDON._ + +As I have seen it stated in various journals that you are the author of my +book, _The Soul of a Bishop_, I hereby take the opportunity of informing +your Lordship most definitely and emphatically that you are _not_. That +book and also _The Passionate Friends_ were written without any assistance +from the episcopal bench. To avoid future misunderstanding I may say that +all my books are written by myself. If at any time it is suggested that any +publication of your Lordship has been written by me, I shall be glad if you +will immediately issue a contradiction. + +_Mr. BERNARD SHAW to the Editor of "The Morning Post."_ + +You have not written my books. You have not written my plays. Any statement +to the contrary is an infamous falsehood. No one else, dead or alive, could +ever have written anything which I have written. When I have become an +imbecile, which is not likely to happen yet, as I am a vegetarian and do +not read your rag, it will be time enough for other people to lay claim to +my work. Nor have I ever assisted you in conducting that which you call a +paper, nor have I ever written an editorial for its columns. Please let +this matter have your futile attention. + +_Miss DAISY ASHFORD to Lord HALDANE._ + +If I did not believe your Lordship to be really innosent I should be very +vexed with you. But let me explain. I have heard it said in reliable +quarters that you are the auther of _The Young Visiters_. Oh, my Lord! my +Lord! I thought everybody knew by now that no one helped me even to spell a +word. I have read your Lordship's books with pleasure and of course realise +their promise. But it is all very diferent stuff from _The Young Visiters_. +Please in the future disclaim all credit for giving me my idears, and in +return I can assure you that your skemes for the better education of the +people shall have my enthoosiastic suport. + +_Mr. ARNOLD BENNETT to The Man in the Street._ + +The last thing that I wish is that you should he misunderstood; all my life +I have laboured to explain you to yourself. That my explanation has pleased +you is shown by the fact that you buy my books. But you have commenced to +give yourself airs, my man, and it is time you were put in your place. My +books are so much to your taste that you have been led to believe yourself +the author. Now please understand my books are written _for_ you and not +_by_ you. You merely exist--thanks to me--and pay. I have been told that I +once wrote a book called _The Old Wives' Tale_. If so, that was in earlier +days, and you have long since forgiven me. And do you not owe me something +for _The Pretty Lady_? Have I not shown you that your love is both sacred +and profane? As I have enough to contend with from those who care for +literature I hope any further word from me on this subject will be +unnecessary. + +_Mrs. FLORENCE BARCLAY to Lord FISHER._ + +The phenomenal success of our recent volumes has, I understand, led a +certain section of our public to believe that you are the author of several +of my books. In particular it has been stated that _The Rosary_ was written +by your Lordship. As you know, I have a great respect for the aristocracy, +and I do not suggest that you have deliberately put yourself forward as the +author of my books. You will, however, understand me when I say that only +your Lordship could express all that I feel about the matter. The mixing up +of our identities is probably explained by the fact that we are both +stylists and seekers for the _mot juste_. Will you please assist me in +making it clear that we work independently? As I am staying in a country +parsonage and it is our custom to read one another's letters over the +breakfast-table, I shall be glad if any reply you may wish to make should +be sent to the Editor of _The Times_. + +_Sir ARTHUR CONAN DOYLE to Sir OLIVER LODGE._ + +Our common concern with the life beyond has become so well known that our +interests in this present life are in danger of becoming involved. In a +volume of _Sherlock Holmes_ stories recently purchased abroad I find you +described as the author, and another book assures me that I have written +extensively on the Atomic Theory. You will, I am sure, see the harm which I +am likely to suffer through such mistakes. Nor does the confusion end here. +I find that my novel, _The Hound of the Baskervilles_, is now stated to be +by Sir CONAN LODGE, and another book of mine, _The Lost World_, to be by +Sir OLIVER DOYLE. Also I have seen myself described as "The Principal of +Birmingham University," and yourself as the well-known detective of Baker +Street. May I solicit your aid in helping me to suppress any further +confusion of our respective genii? My best wishes to you and the good work. + + * * * * * + +LABOUR-SAVING. + + ["Electric bore, one man, portable."--_Trade Journal_.] + + Though not a scientific bean + I am occasionally seen + Scanning a technic magazine. + + I love to learn of any wheeze + Wherewith to win by quick degrees + A rich sufficiency of ease. + + And so it thrilled me to the core + To read the phrase, "Electric bore," + And think of happy days in store. + + In former times I'd often start + Abroad with eagerness of heart + To patronise dramatic art; + + Only at curtain's fall to come + Homeward again, dejected, glum, + And overwhelmed by tedium. + + With _ennui_ verging on distress + I'd witnessed from the circle (dress) + Some transatlantic HUGE SUCCESS; + + Or else some play of Irish life, + Ending with father, son and wife + Impaled upon a single knife; + + Or haply I had chanced to choose + Some even surer source of blues, + One of the things they call revues. + + But now those times are passed away; + Electric bores have come to stay; + I mean to purchase one to-day. + + I don't know how it works, but an + Authority declares it can + Be guided by a single man. + + I have in mind a little niche + Beside my study window which + Will just accommodate the switch. + + Henceforth abroad no more I'll roam, + But turn it on at evening's gloam + And yawn my time away at home. + + * * * * * + +OUR GO-AHEAD MUNICIPALITIES. + + "Visitors to ---- this summer need not fear want of recreation, for the + Urban Council on Wednesday granted an application by Mr. ---- for leave + to place an additional donkey on the beach."--_Provincial Paper._ + + * * * * * + + "Mr. Taylor, who had relieved Mr. Higgins, here had the misfortune to + see Seymour badly hit over the right eye on attempting to hook one of + his rising deliveries."--_Daily Paper._ + +SEYMOUR, we understand, sympathised warmly with Mr. TAYLOR over this piece +of bad luck. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: MANNERS AND MODES. + +DARBY AND JOAN (FOR THE PREVAILING EPIDEMIC SPARES NEITHER AGE NOR VIRTUE) +FAIL TO FIND THE WINNER OF THE 2.30.] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: AT WIMBLEDON. + +_Umpire._ "FORTY, THIRTY, SLASHER." + +_Diana_ (_fresh from Ascot_). "PUT ME THIRTY SHILLINGS ON."] + + * * * * * + +A DOG'S LIFE. + +The life of a public man is a dog's life. I don't know why a dog's life +should be the type and summit of unpleasantness in lives; for myself I +should have thought it was rather a good life; no clothes to buy and no +shortage of smells; but there it is. The reason is perhaps that a dog +spends most of his day just finding a really good smell and being diverted +from it by something else, a loud whistle in front or a motor-bicycle or +another smell. He rushes off then after the whistler or the motor-bicycle +or the new smell, missing all kinds of good smells on the way and never +getting the cream of the old one. And that is like the day of the public +man. + +He sits up in bed in the morning, having his breakfast and thinking over +the smells he is going to have during the day. There is an enormous choice. +The whole of the bed is covered with papers; there are tables on either +side of the bed covered with papers, letters and memoranda, and agenda and +minutes and constituents' grievances, and charitable appeals and ordinary +begs. When he moves his foot there is a great crackling, and the surface +papers float off into the air and are wafted about the room. Each paper +represents a different smell. He is going to make a speech to the +Bottle-Washers' Union at 11 A.M. and he is reading the notes of his speech; +but before that he has got to introduce a deputation of Fish-Friers to the +HOME SECRETARY at ten and he is trying to find out what the Fish-Friers are +after. But the telephone-bell keeps on ringing and the papers keep on +floating away, and the papers about the Fish-Friers keep mixing themselves +up with the papers about the Bottle-Washers, and the valet keeps coming in +to say that the bath is prepared or the hosier has come, so that it is all +very difficult. + +All his family ring him up, and all the people who were at the meeting last +night and were not quite satisfied with the terms of the Resolution, and +all the people who are interested in Fish-Frying and Bottle-Washing, and +all the people who want him to make a speech at Cardiff next year, and +several newspapers who would like to interview him about the Sewers and +Drains Bill, and a man whose uncle has not yet been demobilised, and a lady +whose first-born son would like to be President of the Board of Trade as +soon as it can be arranged. Meanwhile people begin to drift into the room. +The Private Secretary drifts in with a despatch-case, full of new smells +and some old ones; and the valet drifts in to say that the bath is still +prepared, and a haircutter and a man from the shirt-makers, and the +Secretary of the Fish-Friers, who has looked in for a quiet talk about the +situation. + +When they are all ready for their quiet talks the public man decides that +it is time he got up; he leaps out of bed and rushes out of the room and +shaves and baths and does his exercises very very quickly. Then he rushes +back and has a talk with the HOME SECRETARY on the telephone while he is +drying his ears. When his ears are nice and dry he rings off and ties his +tie, meanwhile dictating a nasty letter to _The Times_ about the Scavengers +(Minimum Wage) (Scotland) No. 2 Bill. In the middle of this letter two new +crises arise--(1) The HOME SECRETARY'S Private Secretary's Secretary rings +up and says that the Fish-Friers' deputation is postponed till 11 A.M. +because of a Cabinet Meeting about the new war. (2) The Assistant-Secretary +to the PRIME MINISTER'S Principal Secretary's Secretary rings up and says +that the PRIME MINISTER can see the public man for ten seconds at one +minute past eleven. It is now clear that the Bottle-Washers and the +Fish-Friers and the PRIME MINISTER are going to clash pretty badly, and a +scene of intense confusion takes place. The public man runs about the room +in his shirt-sleeves smelling distractedly at the papers on the floor and +on the bed and everywhere else. Some of the papers he throws at the Private +Secretary and tells him to write a memorandum about them, and go and see +the War Office about them and have six copies made of them. Most of them, +however, he just throws on the floor or hides away in a dressing-gown where +the Private Secretary won't find them; this is the only way of making sure +of a permanent supply of good crises. A crisis about a lost document is far +and away the most fruitful kind of crisis. + +Meanwhile the valet pursues the public man about the room with spats and +tries to attach them to his person. If he can attach both spats before the +Fish-Friers' man really gets hold of him he has won the game. The +Fish-Friers' man keeps clearing his throat and beginning, "The position is +this--"; and the Private Secretary keeps saying in a cold dispassionate +voice, "Are you going to the Lord Mayor's lunch?" or "How much will you +give to the Dyspeptic Postmen's Association?" or "What about this letter +from Bunt?" + +The public man takes no notice of any one of them, but says rapidly over +and over again, "Where are my spectacles?" or "What have you done with the +brown socks?" He is playing for time. If he can put them off for a little +more, some new crisis may occur and he will be able to say that he is too +busy to deal with them now. + +The Private Secretary knows this and continues to say, "Are you going to +the Lord Mayor's lunch?" The Fish-Friers' man doesn't know it, and crawls +about excitedly on the floor looking for the spectacles under the bed. When +he is well under the bed the public man tells the Private Secretary to ring +up the Bottle-Washers and the Fish-Friers and the PRIME MINISTER and +arrange things somehow, and rushes out of the room. He is hotly pursued by +the valet and the hosier and the hairdresser, but there's a taxi at the +door and with any luck he will now get clear away. In the hall, however, +the cook meets him in order to give notice, and by the time he has dealt +with that crisis the Private Secretary has had three wrong numbers and +given it up, and the Fish-Friers' man has bumped his head and given it up. +They give chase together and catch the public man just as he is escaping +from the front-door. The Private Secretary starts again about the Lord +Mayor's lunch, and the Fish-Friers' man starts again about the position. + +The public man knows now that he is done, so he drives them into the taxi +and says he will talk to them on the way to the PRIME MINISTER. The taxi +dashes off, leaving the hosier and the hairdresser and the valet wringing +their hands in the hall. + +The only thing the public man can do now is to invent a new crisis for the +Private Secretary, who is still saying in a cold dispassionate voice, "Are +you going to the Lord Mayor's lunch?" + +So he thinks of one of the letters he has hidden in his dressing-gown and +tells the Private Secretary that he must have that letter for the +Bottle-Washers' meeting. Then he stops the taxi at a place where there is +no Underground and no 'bus, and pushes the Private Secretary out. He has +disposed of the Private Secretary for the day. + +But the Fish-Friers' man's throat is practically clear by now and he gets +to work at once. The public man pays no attention but prepares in his mind +his opening sentences to the PRIME MINISTER. In the Park he sees two other +public men walking and he takes them into the cab. Each of them has +discovered some entirely new smells and starts talking about them at once +very fast. The public man promises to go and try them all immediately. When +he gets to the PRIME MINISTER'S he rings up and cancels the Fish-Friers and +the Bottle-Washers. When he has done that the Assistant-Secretary to the +PRIME MINISTER'S Principal Private Secretary's Secretary comes out and says +that the PRIME MINISTER has been called away suddenly to Geneva. + +The public man then goes off after the new smells. A dog's life. + +A.P.H. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Visitor_ (_to actor friend_). "Y'KNOW, I WAS GOIN' ON THE +STAGE MYSELF ONCE, BUT MY PEOPLE DINE SO LATE."] + + * * * * * + +A SPORTING OFFER. + +"Rabbit trapper would take so much the couple or rent them, or give so much +the couple and kill them."--_Scotch Paper._ + + * * * * * + +A CORNISH LULLABY. + + A.D. 1760. + + Sleep, my little ugling, + Daddy's gone a-smuggling, + Daddy's gone to Roscoff in the _Mevagissey Maid_, + A sloop of ninety tons + With ten brass-carriage guns, + To teach the King's ships manners and respect for honest trade. + + Hush, my joy and sorrow, + Daddy'll come to-morrow + Bringing baccy, tea and snuff and brandy home from France; + And he'll run the goods ashore + While the old Collectors snore + And the wicked troopers gamble in the dens of Penzance. + + Rock-a-bye, my honey, + Daddy's making money; + You shall be a gentleman and sail with privateers, + With a silver cup for sack + And a blue coat on your back, + With diamonds on your finger-bones and gold rings in your ears. + + PATLANDER. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Motorist._ "THAT REMINDS ME--I NEVER POSTED THAT LETTER."] + + * * * * * + +POPULAR CRICKET. + +DEAR MR. PUNCH,--I enclose a cut from _Le Radical_, one of the leading +Mauritius papers, and on behalf of the lovers of our national game in the +island venture to ask for information regarding the last match recorded:-- + +"Londres, 14 mai, 4 hres P.M.--Mary-le-bone a battu Nottingham par 5 +wickets; Lancashire a battu Leichester; Sussex a battu Warrick. En second +lieu un joueur du Sussex a abattu H. Wilson par 187 wickets." + +We are much perturbed at the strange developments that are evidently taking +place in the game at home. Was this match, we want to know, a single-wicket +game between the Sussex player and H. WILSON? If so how did he beat him by +187 wickets? + +An ex-captain of the Cambridge eleven living here is of the opinion that, +in order to make cricket more popular, the numbers of the opposing sides +are being increased, and that this match must have been between a team of, +say, a couple of hundred Sussex players and one of a like number captained +by H. WILSON, and that only some dozen wickets had fallen in the second +innings when the match ended. If this is the correct interpretation we +should be very grateful for the rules, plan of the field, etc., as we are +most anxious to move with the times in this little outpost of Empire. + +I fear however that we shall have some difficulty here in raising two teams +of more than a hundred-a-side. + +We presume that, as a match of eleven-a-side takes two or three days to +finish, about six or eight weeks are allotted to this new game. + +Any help that you can give us, Sir, will be much appreciated. + +Yours faithfully, + +M.C.C. + + * * * * * + +FROM THE FILM WORLD. + +As an interesting supplement to the announcement that Sir THOMAS LIPTON has +kindly placed his bungalows and estates in Ceylon at the disposal of the +East and West Films, Limited, for the filming of The Life of BUDDHA, we are +glad to learn that preparations are already well advanced for the +presentation of the Life of HANNIBAL on the screen. + +Messrs. Sowerly and Bitterton, the well-known vinegar manufacturers, have +undertaken to provide the necessary plant for illustration of the famous +exploit of splitting the rocks with that disintegrating condiment, and +Messrs. Rappin and Jebb, the famous cutlers, have been approached with a +view to furnish the necessary implements for the portrayal of the tragedy +of the Caudine Forks. Professor Chollop, who is superintending the taking +of the pictures of the battle of Cannae and the subsequent period of repose +at Capua in their proper atmosphere, states that he is receiving every +support from the local condottieri, pifferari, banditti and lazzaroni, and +expects to be able to complete his task by the late autumn. + +A certain amount of antagonism, on humanitarian grounds, has been shown by +the Italian Government to the importation of a herd of elephants, which +were essential to the realistic depiction of the passage of the Alps by the +Carthaginian army; but it is hoped that by the use of skis the transit may +be effected without undue casualties among the elephantine fraternity. + +Lord FISHER has been invited to impersonate SCIPIO, and the _role_ of +FABIUS, the originator of the "Wait and See" policy, has been offered to +Mr. ASQUITH, but authentic details are as yet lacking as to their decision. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: THE BLAMELESS ACCOMPLICE. + +IRISH RAILWAYMAN (_to Sinn Fein Assassin_). "YOU'LL BE ALL RIGHT. DETESTING +MURDER, AS MR. THOMAS SAYS I DO, I'VE TAKEN CARE THAT THAT FELLOW SHOULD +HAVE NO AMMUNITION." + +["The Irish members of the N.U.R. expressed publicly their feeling of +disgust at murder and outrage."--_Mr. J.H. THOMAS._]] + + * * * * * + +ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT. + +_Monday, June 21st._--While the PRIME MINISTER was celebrating the +longest--and pretty nearly the hottest--day by a _vin d'honneur_ at +Boulogne Mr. BONAR LAW had to content himself with small beer in the +Commons. + +The Government, it seems, is to offer its services to effect a peaceful +settlement between the Imam YAHYA and the Said IDRISSI, who are rival +rulers in Arabia. There is believed to be a possibility that in return the +said Said will offer his services to effect a peaceful settlement in +Hibernia Infelix. + +The Government is not so indifferent to economy as is sometimes suggested. +The PRIME MINISTER'S famous letter to the Departments was only written in +August last, yet already, Mr. BONAR LAW assured the House, some progress +has been made in reducing redundant staffs, and the Government has +appointed--no, I beg pardon, "decided to appoint"--independent Committees +to carry out investigations. The hustlers! + +[Illustration: DO YOU EXPECT ME TO SEND THE SERGEANT-AT-ARMS TO FETCH THE +MINISTER OF TRANSPORT?--_The SPEAKER._] + +The Member for Wood Green, who urged that the Treasury should prepare an +estimate of the national income, with the view of limiting the national +expenditure to a definite proportion of that amount, displayed, it seems to +me, amazing temerity. The course of taxation in recent years encourages the +belief that the only thing that restrains the CHANCELLOR OF THE EXCHEQUER +from taking our little all is that he does not know how much it is. + +Capt. WEDGEWOOD BENN'S complaint that the MINISTER OF TRANSPORT habitually +absented himself from the House met with little encouragement from the +SPEAKER, who sarcastically inquired if he should send the SERJEANT-AT-ARMS +to fetch the delinquent. Capt. BENN then dropped the subject, and Sir COLIN +KEPPEL looked relieved. + +The Government insisted on taking the Report stage and Third Reading of the +Rent (Restrictions) Bill at one sitting, and kept the House up till +half-past three in order to do it. Dr. ADDISON had need of what the IRON +DUKE called "two o'clock in the morning courage" to ward off attacks. Once, +when Sir ARTHUR FELL was depicting the desperate plight of the landladies +of Yarmouth, forbidden under a penalty of a hundred pounds to charge more +than twenty-five per cent. in excess of their pre-war prices, it looked as +if the Minister must give way; but with some difficulty he convinced his +critics that the clause in question had nothing to do with seaside +landladies. + +_Tuesday, June 22nd._--In the Lords the Bishops, reinforced by the +ecclesiastically-minded lay Peers, made a last attempt to throw out the +Matrimonial Causes Bill. Lord BRAYE moved its rejection, and was supported +by Lord HALIFAX in a speech whose pathos was even stronger than its +argument, and by the Archbishop of CANTERBURY, who admitted that reform of +the marriage laws was required, but considered that the Bill went a great +deal further than was necessary. The LORD CHANCELLOR thereupon re-stated +the case for the measure, for which be believed the Government were +prepared to give facilities in the other House, and Lord BUCKMASTER +repeated his exegesis of the vexed passage in St. MATTHEW'S Gospel, on +which the whole theological controversy turns. The Third Reading was +carried by 154 votes to 107. + +[Illustration: _MENS AEQUA REBUS IN ARDUIS._ + +MR. DENIS HENRY ON THE IRISH SITUATION.] + +The Commons in the course of the Irish Debate discussed the failure of the +Government to prevent the regrettable incidents in Derry and Dublin. +Colonel ASHLEY demanded martial law; Major O'NEILL was for organising the +loyal population; Sir KEITH FRASER approved both courses and advanced the +amazing proposition that the trouble in Ireland was entirely due to the +religious question, and that even the Sinn Feiners were loyal to the +Empire. + +The ATTORNEY-GENERAL FOR IRELAND pointed out that faction-fighting in Derry +was endemic, and drew an amusing picture of the old city, where everyone +had some kind of rabbit-hole from which he could emerge to fire a revolver. +As regards the general question he denied that the Constabulary had been +instructed not to shoot. On the contrary they had been told to treat +attackers as "enemies in the field," and to call upon suspected persons to +hold up their hands. + +Lord ROBERT CECIL was at a loss to understand the Government that applied +coercion to the very people to whom it was preparing to hand over the +government of Southern Ireland, and Mr. INSKIP was equally at a loss to +understand the policy of the noble lord, who seemed to think that +conciliation was incompatible with putting down crime. + +_Wednesday, June 23rd._--A large company, including the QUEEN and Princess +MARY, attended the House of Lords to see Prince ALBERT take his seat as +Duke of YORK. It was unfortunate that the new peer was unable to wait for +the ensuing debate, for Lord NEWTON was in his best form. His theme was the +absurdity of the present Parliamentary arrangement under which the Peers +were kept kicking their heels in London for the best months of the year, +then overwhelmed with business for a week or two, and finally despatched to +the country in time for the hunting season, which nowadays most of them +were too much impoverished to enjoy. Lord CURZON condescended a little from +his usual Olympian heights, and declared that one of the drawbacks to +conducting business in that House was the difficulty of inducing noble +Lords to attend it after dinner. + +[Illustration: THE YOUNG UNIONIST MOVEMENT. + +"IF THEY WERE TO HAVE HOME RULE AT ALL THEY MUST 'GO THE WHOLE HOG.'"--_Mr. +ORMSBY GORE._] + +To judge by Mr. ASQUITH'S recent speeches outside he meant to have +delivered a thundering philippic against our continued occupation of +Mesopotamia. Some of the sting was taken out of the indictment by the +publication of an official statement showing that Great Britain was +remaining there at the request of the Allies. After all, as Mr. LLOYD +GEORGE observed in his reply, it would not be an economical policy to +withdraw to Basra if we were to be immediately requested to return to +Baghdad. + +The rest of the evening was devoted to a renewal of the protests against +Mr. CHURCHILL'S "Red Army." Among the critics were Mr. ESMOND HARMSWORTH +and Mr. OSWALD MOSLEY, the two "babies" of the House, and the MINISTER +adopted quite a fatherly tone in recalling his own callow youth, when he +too, just after the Boer War, denounced "the folly of gaudy and tinselled +uniforms." + +_Thursday, June 24th._--On behalf of the Government Lord ONSLOW gave a +rather chilly welcome to Lord BALFOUR OF BURLEIGH'S Bill for the regulation +of advertisements. It is true that the noble author had explained that his +object was to secure "publicity without offence," but I believe he had no +desire to cramp the PRIME MINISTER'S style. + +Sir ERIC GEDDES belongs to that wicked species of _fauna_ that defends +itself when attacked. He complained this afternoon that Mr. ASQUITH had in +his recent speeches "trounced a beginner," but Sir ERIC showed, for a +novice, considerable aggressive power. He claimed that the Ministry of +Transport had already saved a cool million by securing the abrogation of an +extravagant contract entered into by Mr. ASQUITH'S Government. The EX +PREMIER, however, insisted that if a mistake had been made the Railway +Department of the Board of Trade could have corrected it just as well as +its grandiose successor and at an infinitely smaller cost. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Naturalised Alien._ "VY DOND YOU GED OUD OF MY VAY? DOND +YOU KNOW DER RULE OF DER RIVER?" + +_Bargeman._ "WHICH? THE RHINE?"] + + * * * * * + +THE NEW COURTIERSHIP. + + (_With profound acknowledgment to the writer of the article on "Heroine + Worship" in "The Times" of June 24th._) + +While thrones and dynasties have rocked or fallen in the great world +upheaval of the last six years, there remains one form of monarchy which +has proved impervious to all the shocks of circumstance--the monarchy of +genius. If proof be demanded of this assertion we need only point to the +wonderful manifestations of loyalty evoked in the last week by the advent +of the Queen of the Film World and her admirable consort. The adoration of +MARY PICKFORD has been compared with that of MARY QUEEN OF SCOTS, and not +without some show of reason, for the appeal which her acting, makes is +always to the sense of chivalry which, in however sentimental a form, is +characteristic of our race. + +But the noble adulation which the latest of our royal visitors inspires is +deeper and more universal than that prompted by the charm and the +misfortunes of her namesake. MARY QUEEN OF SCOTS, as the evidence of +contemporary portraits conclusively establishes, was not conspicuous for +her personal beauty. In the "Queen business" she was a failure, and her +prestige is largely if not entirely posthumous. Her character has been +impugned by historians; even her most faithful champions have not +pronounced her impeccable. + +Centuries were necessary to raise MARY QUEEN OF SCOTS to her somewhat +insecure pinnacle of devotion; by the alchemy of a machine centuries have +been shortened to days and nights in the meteoric career of Miss PICKFORD. +Yet merit has joined fortune in high cabal. Handicapped by a somewhat +uneuphonious patronymic, MARY PICKFORD has established her rule without +recourse to any of the disputable methods adopted by her predecessor. At +home in all the "palaces" of both hemispheres, she owes her triumphs to the +triple endowment of genius, loveliness and gentleness. Moreover, in the +highest sense she is truly an ambassadress of our race, for the kiss which +she so graciously bestowed on Mlle. SUZANNE LENGLEN at Wimbledon on +Wednesday last has probably done even more to heal the wounds inflicted on +our gallant Allies by the disastrous policy of Mr. LLOYD GEORGE than the +heroic efforts of _The Times_ to maintain the Entente in its integrity. + +The parallels and contrasts with MARY QUEEN OF SCOTS need not be further +laboured. But far too little stress has been laid on the rare felicity of a +union which links the name of Mary with that of Douglas. The annals of +British chivalry contain no more romantic or splendid entries than those +associated with Sir JAMES DOUGLAS, alternately styled the "Good" and the +"Black," hero of seventy battles and the victor in fifty-seven, peerless as +a raider, who crowned a glorious career by his mission to Palestine with +the embalmed heart of BRUCE, and his death in action against the Moors. His +illustrious namesake is now conducting a "raid" on our shores of a purely +educational and humanitarian nature, and our welcome, while it expresses +the rare and momentous influence of the film, is no mere gratitude for +pleasure afforded; it is rather the recognition of a human touch tending to +make the whole English-speaking world kin. + +The visit is not unattended by risks, for the ardour of enthusiasm imposes +a corresponding strain on the endurance of this august and inimitable pair. +But there can be no doubt as to the absolute sincerity and spontaneity of +these marvellous demonstrations of loyal affection. We can only hope that, +to borrow the noble phrase of the Roman Senate in their address to NERO on +the death of AGRIPPINA, Queen PICKFORD the First may "endure her felicity +with fortitude." Conspicuous grandeur has its penalties as well as its +privileges, but the chivalric instinct is still alive in our midst; and all +of us who are not perverted or debased by the malign "wizardry" of the +PRIME MINISTER will spring to the defence of MARY "the Sweetheart of the +World," and DOUGLAS "tender and true," in their hours of peril. In that +high emprise the gentlemen of the world, however humble, stand, as of old +time, side by side and shoulder to shoulder. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: THE IRRESISTIBLE MEETS THE IMMOVABLE. + +SCENE: _Exclusive West-End Square, with passing procession of "Reds."_ + +_The Flag-bearer._ "COMRADE, THE REVOLUTION IS 'ERE!" + +_The Complete Butler._ "AR! WILL YOU KINDLY DELIVER IT AT THE HAREA +HENTRANCE?"] + + * * * * * + +THE BATTLE OF THE MOTHERS. + +We were sitting in the smoking-room when the Venerable Archdeacon entered. +He had been so long absent that we asked him the reason. + +Had he been ill? + +Ill? Not he. He never was better in his life. He had merely been on a motor +tour with his mother. + +"Do you mean to say," someone inquired--an equally elderly member--almost +with anger, certainly with a kind of outraged surprise, "that you have a +mother still living?" + +"Of course I have," said the Man of God. "My mother is not only living but +is in the pink of condition." + +"And how old is she?" the questioner continued. + +"She is ninety-one," said the Archdeacon proudly. + +Most of us looked at him with wonder and respect--even a touch of awe. + +"And still motoring!" I commented. + +"She delights in motoring." + +"Well," said the angry man, "you needn't be so conceited about it. You are +not the only person with an aged mother. I have a mother too." + +We switched round to this new centre of surprise. It was more incredible +that this man should have a mother even than the Archdeacon. No one had +ever suspected him of anything so extreme, for he had a long white beard +and hobbled with a stick. + +"And how old may your mother be?" the Archdeacon inquired. + +"My mother is ninety-two." + +"And is she well and hearty?" + +"My mother," he replied, "is in rude health--or, as you would say, full of +beans." + +The Archdeacon made a deprecatory movement, repudiating the metaphor. + +"She not only motors," the layman pursued, "but she can walk. Can your +mother walk?" + +"I am sorry to say," said the Archdeacon, "that my mother has to be helped +a good deal." + +"Ha!" said the layman. + +"But," the Archdeacon continued, "she has all her other faculties. Can your +mother still read?" + +"My mother is a most accomplished and assiduous knitter," said the bearded +man. + +"No doubt, no doubt," the Archdeacon agreed; "but my question was, Can she +still read?" + +"With glasses--yes," said the other. + +"Ha!" exclaimed the Archdeacon, "I thought so. Now my dear mother can still +read the smallest print without glasses." + +We murmured our approval. + +"And more," the Archdeacon went on, "she can thread her own needle." + +We approved again. + +"That's all very well," said the other, "but sight is not everything. Can +your mother hear?" + +"She can hear all that I say to her," replied the Archdeacon. + +"Ah! but you probably raise your voice, and she is accustomed to it. Could +she hear a stranger? Could she hear me?" + +Remembering the tone of some of his after-lunch conversations I suggested +that perhaps it would be well if on occasions she could not. He glowered +down such frivolousness and proceeded with his cross-examination. "Are you +trying to assure us that your mother is not in the least bit deaf?" + +"Well," the Archdeacon conceded, "I could not go so far as to say that her +hearing is still perfect." + +The layman smiled his satisfaction. "In other words," he said, "she uses a +trumpet?" + +The Archdeacon was silent. + +"She uses a trumpet, Sir? Admit it." + +"Now and then," said the Archdeacon, "my dear mother has recourse to that +aid." + +"I knew it!" exclaimed the other. "My mother can hear every word. She goes +to the theatre too. Now your mother would have to go to the cinema if she +wished to be entertained." + +"My mother," said the Archdeacon, "would not be interested in the cinema" +(he pronounced it ki-neema); "her mind is of a more serious turn." + +"My mother is young enough to be interested in anything," said the other. +"And there is not one of her thirty-eight grandchildren of whose progress +she is not kept closely informed." + +He leaned back with a gesture of triumph. + +"How many grandchildren did you say?" the Archdeacon inquired. "I didn't +quite catch." + +"Thirty-eight," the other man replied. + +Across the cleric's ascetic features a happy smile slowly and conqueringly +spread. "My mother," he said, "has fifty-two grandchildren. And now," he +turned to me, "which of us would you say has won this entertaining +contest?" + +"I should not like to decide," I said. "I am--fortunately perhaps for your +mothers--no Solomon. My verdict is that both of you are wonderfully lucky +men." + +E.V.L. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Valetudinarian._ "I'VE GOT CIRRHOSIS OF THE LIVER, AN +INCIPIENT CARBUNCLE ON MY NECK, INFLAMMATION OF THE DUODENUM, SEPTIC SORE +THROAT AND GENERAL PROSTRATION." + +_Sympathetic Friend._ "WELL, AND HOW ARE YOU?"] + + * * * * * + +A KNOWING OLD BIRD. + + "Grey African Parrot ... every question fully answered; L10 or offers." + --_Weekly Paper._ + + * * * * * + +OUR BOOKING-OFFICE. + +(_By Mr. Punch's Staff of Learned Clerks._) + +We have had to wait four years for the concluding volumes of _The Life of +Benjamin Disraeli_ (MURRAY), but, as the engaged couple said of the tunnel, +"it was worth it," for in the interval Mr. BUCKLE has been able to enrich +his work with a wealth of new material. This includes DISRAELI'S +correspondence with QUEEN VICTORIA during his two Premierships, and the +still more remarkable letters that he wrote to the two favoured sisters, +ANNE, Lady CHESTERFIELD, and SELINA, Lady BRADFORD, during the last eight +years of his life. To one or other of them he wrote almost every day, and +from the sixteen hundred letters that have been preserved Mr. BUCKLE has +selected with happy discretion a multitude of passages which throw a vivid +light upon the political events of the time and upon DISRAELI'S own +character. Whereas the first four volumes of the biography might be likened +to a good sound Burgundy, thanks to these letters the last two sparkle and +stimulate like a vintage champagne. As we read them we seem to be present +at the scenes described, to overhear the discussions at the Cabinet, to +catch a glimpse of the actors _en deshabille_. Mr. BUCKLE says that +"Disraeli, from first to last, regarded his life as a brightly tinted +romance, with himself as hero." In one of his letters to Lady BRADFORD he +says, "I live for Power and the Affections." A poseur, no doubt, he was, +but not a charlatan. His industry was amazing and his insight almost +uncanny. "I know not why Japan should not become the Sardinia of the +Mongolian East," he writes in 1875. To the political student these Volumes +will be almost as fruitful a field as BURKE; for myself, I have found them +more fascinating than any novel. + + * * * * * + +It seams a great pity that Mr. KIPLING'S _Letters of Travel_ (MACMILLAN) +contains nothing later than 1913. It would have been particularly +interesting to see how far the events of the great tragedy might have +modified or aggravated his scorn against those who do not see eye to eye +with him. In the pre-war KIPLING, as we have him here, "Labour" is always +the enemy, "Democracy" the hypocritical cant of cranks and slackers. What +do they know of England who only KIPLING know? Well, they know one side of +it, and a fine side. The first sheaf of letters--"From Tideway to Tideway +(1892)"--describes a tour through America and Canada, with a rather too +obvious bias against the habits and institutions of the former, but with so +eloquent a presentation of the dream and fact of imperial pioneering +service that it might draw even from a Little Englander, "Almost thou +persuadest me!" "Letters to the Family" deals with the Canada of 1907, a +very different entity from the Canada of to-day after the later Imperial +Conferences and five years' trial of war, but none the less interesting to +hear about. A voyage in 1913, undertaken "for no other reason but to +discover the sun," is the begetter of the third group, "Egypt and the +Egyptians," the first letter of which will not, I imagine, be reprinted and +framed by the P. and O. Brilliant word-pictures of things seen, thumbnail +sketches of odd characters, clever records of remembered speech, +intelligent comment from a well-defined point of view--these you will have +expected, and will get. + + * * * * * + +Lady DOROTHY MILLS, who has already made some success as a holder of the +mirror up to a certain section of ultra-smart society, continues this +benevolent work in her new novel, _The Laughter of Fools_ (DUCKWORTH). It +is a clever tale, almost horridly well told, about the war-time behaviour +of the rottenest idle-rich element, in the disorganised and hectic London +of 1917-18. Perhaps the observation is superficial; but, just so far as it +pretends to go, Lady DOROTHY'S method does undoubtedly get home. Her +heroine, _Louise_, is a detestable little egoist, whose vanity and entire +lack of _moral_ render her an easy victim to the vampire crowd into which +she drifts. The "sensation" scenes, night club orgies, dope parties and the +like will probably bring the book a boom of curiosity; but there are not +wanting signs, in the author's easy unforced method, that with a larger +theme she may one day write a considerably bigger book. _The Laughter of +Fools_, one may say, ends tragically; _Louise_, after exhausting all her +other activities, being left about to join a nursing expedition to Northern +Russia. Which, judging by previous revelations of her general incompetence, +is where the tragedy comes in--for the prospective patients. A moral rather +carefully unmoralised is how I should sum up an unpleasant but shrewdly +written tale. + + * * * * * + +To _The Diary of a U-Boat Commander_ (HUTCHINSON) "ETIENNE" adds an +introduction and some explanatory notes. In one of these notes we are told +that the Diary was left in a locker when the Commander handed over his boat +to the British. We are all at liberty to form any opinion we like on the +use made of this Diary and I am not going to reveal mine. For, after all, +it is the book itself--however produced--that matters, and even those of us +who are getting a little shy of literature connected with the War will find +something original and intriguing in this Diary. With what seems to me +unnecessary frankness the publisher refers to the Commander's "incredible +exploits and adventures on the high seas." For my own part my powers of +belief in regard to the War are almost unlimited, and the only thing that +really staggers me here is the mentality of the diarist. From the record of +his purely private life, which is also exposed in these pages, I gather +that he was as unfortunate in love as in war; but he seems to have loved +with a whole-hearted passion that goes far to redeem him. I must add a word +of praise for Mr. FRANK MASON'S illustrations, which contributed generously +to my entertainment. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Alexander_ (_bored_). "LIFE IS VERY DULL, MY DEAR ROX. NO +MORE WORLDS TO--" + +_Roxana._ "OH, NONSENSE, ALEC! THERE'S ALWAYS SOMETHING TO DO. I WISH YOU'D +GO INTO THE KITCHEN AND DISCHARGE THAT CAPPADOCIAN COOK. SHE DRINKS."] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: Epilogue] + +AN OPEN LETTER TO FRANCE. + +Mr. Punch had kissed the lady's hand and she had smiled upon him very +graciously, for they were old friends. + +"I have brought you a letter from myself," he said. + +"Shall I read it while you wait?" said Madame la France. + +"Please, no. I never read my contributors' compositions in their presence. +It is embarrassing to both sides. And I want you to take your time over +this one, and consider carefully whether it is suitable for publication in +your Press. I have enclosed a stamped and addressed envelope, to be +utilized in the event of your deciding to return my communication with +regrets. In any case I propose to publish it in my own paper, _The London +Charivari_." + +[_Here begins the letter_:-- + +"NEAREST AND DEAREST OF ALLIES.--You and I (I speak for my country, though +I have not been asked to do so) have gone through so much together that it +would be an infinite pity if any misunderstanding were suffered to cloud +our friendship for want of a little candour on my part. No _Entente_ can +retain its cordiality without mutual candour; and hitherto the reticence +has been all on our side. + +"Not when your splendid courage and your noble sacrifices gave us a theme; +then we were always frankly loud in our admiration; but when we reflected +upon what I may venture to call your faults and failings. Whatever we may +have thought about them during all those terrible years, you will find in +our public statements no note of criticism and not a single word that did +not breathe a true loyalty. You too were generous in your praise of us when +we won battles; and at the end, with your own FOCH for witness, you were +quick to recognise what part we played in those great Autumn days that +brought the crowning victory. But it almost looks as if your memory of our +brotherhood in arms were beginning to fail; as if we, who were then hailed +as your 'glorious Ally,' were about to resume our old name--it has already +been revived in some quarters--of 'Perfide Albion.' + +"Oh, I know that the best of France is loyal to us; that her true chivalry +understands. But what of your public that is all ear for the so-called +_Echo de Paris_, with its constant incitement to jealousy and suspicion of +England? What of your second-rate Press and its pin-pricking policy, +connived at, if not actually encouraged, by your Government? + +"Of course I recognise that you never really liked the idea of all those +British soldiers making themselves at home in your country, though they did +it as nicely as it could be done, and made hosts of friends in the process. +I can believe that we should not have been too well pleased at having a +like number of French troops established between Dover and London. I don't +say we should have charged you rent for every yard of their trenches or +claimed heavy damages for any injury they might have done to our roads in +the course of defending the Metropolis from our common enemy. But we +certainly should not have been depressed when we found that they needn't +stay any longer. Still I hope we should have registered on the tablets of +our hearts a permanent record indicating that we appreciated their +friendliness in coming to our support. + +"But I am told that the secret of the present attitude of our French +critics is that they cannot forgive us for having used the soil of France +in order to defend our own. Is this quite fair or even decent? Let me +refresh their memory of the motive that brought us into this War. The true +motive was not to be found in the duty imposed upon us by Germany's breach +of the Belgian Treaty, though that in itself furnished us with an +unanswerable reason. The true motive was our desire to help you. We had +nothing in those days to fear for ourselves. We knew that our Fleet was +strong enough to protect our own shores. We had not yet appreciated the +submarine menace; we did not recognise what your loss of the Channel ports +might mean for us. We entered the War because we could not look on and see +you overwhelmed. + +"You complain, again, that, in contrast to yourselves, we have got all we +wanted out of the War. As a fact we wanted nothing; but let that pass. You +point to the destruction of the German Fleet as if it were a private gain +for us and us alone, and not the removal of a danger to the whole world. +And what of the German armies--now in process of reduction to a mere police +force? Did you derive no advantage from the overthrow of a system which was +always a greater menace to you than the German Fleet ever was to us? And, +though we did not pretend to be a military nation, had we not some little +share in that achievement? + +"And what of your _revanche_? How do the German Colonies, which we have +freed and now hold in trust--how do these compare with your solid recovery +of Alsace-Lorraine? No, you have not come badly out of Armageddon. + +"Oh, you have suffered, that we know; you have suffered even more than we, +who at least were spared the ravaging of our lands. And never for a moment +do we forget this. But you too must not forget that where the soil of +France suffered most there thickest lie our English dead, who fought for +England's freedom, yes, but for your freedom too. And it is we who stand by +you still, pledged to be once more at your side if the same peril ever come +again; though America, for whom nothing was once too good, should fail you +in your need. + +"There, I have said what I wanted to say; what your best friends here have +been thinking this many a day. For your best friends are not, as you might +imagine, to be found in a certain section of our Press who for their own +political or private ends are prepared to encourage all your suspicions if +so they may injure the good name of our statesmen who meet you in council +for the common cause. Your best friends are the men who deplore those +suspicions; who beg you, as I do here, to get them swept away as being +unworthy of a great nation and a great alliance. + +"For this end, Believe me, dear Madame, to be at your service as always, + +"PUNCH." + +_Here ends the letter._] + +"And now, dear lady," said Mr. Punch, "let me say that, if there is +anything in this letter which seems--but only on the surface--to be +inconsistent with my profound devotion to your person, it is the first word +of the kind that I have put on paper since our friendship began. All +through the War and the hardly less trying times of Peace that have +followed it I have not once swerved from my loyalty to you. Accept, I beg +of you, the renewed assurance of my affection the most sincere, and, for +token, this latest of a series in which you will find many proofs of the +love I bear you--my + +ONE HUNDRED AND FIFTY-EIGHTH VOLUME." + +[Illustration] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: INDEX] + +CARTOONS. + + PARTRIDGE, BERNARD + Air-Craftiness, 471 + Another Reservation, 111 + Blameless Accomplice (The), 511 + Dark Horse (A), 431 + Exit the Ministering Angel, 371 + Forgotten Cause (The), 211 + Great Improviser (The), 451 + His First Patient, 491 + Homage from the Brave, 391 + Hope of the World (The), 271 + In a Cushy Cause, 331 + International Eurhythmics, 151 + Kindest Cut of All (The), 191 + Levy on Patriotism (A), 291 + Limit--and Beyond (The), 411 + Occasional Comrades, 251 + Reckoning (The), 351 + Restoring the Balance, 311 + Return of the ex-Champion (The), 171 + Rouge Gagne, 71 + Test of Sagacity (A), 131 + Unpopular Revival (An), 231 + Woman of Some Importance (A), 91 + + + RAVEN-HILL, L. + Conscientious Burglar (The), 103 + Converted Spirit (A), 183 + Dachswolf (The), 243 + Direct Reaction, 463 + Disturber of the Peace (A), 323 + Downing Street Melodrama (A), 83 + Elusive Pest (The), 163 + Even-handed Justice, 51 + Expert Opinion, 363 + From Triumph to Triumph, 343 + Heir-Presumptive (The), 31 + His Own Business, 403 + Irremovables (The), 143 + Lovers' Quarrels, 303 + Midsummer Nightmare (A), 483 + More Haste--Less Meat, 443 + New Coalition (The), 123 + Paradise Lost Again?, 503 + Popular Reappearance (A), 63 + Reluctant Thruster (The), 383 + St. Patrick's Day Dream (A), 203 + Sounding the "All Clear", 11 + What's in a Name?, 223 + Withdrawal from Moscow (The), 283 + + + REYNOLD, FRANK + "Positively Last" Appearance (A), 3 + + + TOWNSEND, F.H. + Another Turkish Concession, 23 + Envoys Extraordinary, 423 + "Oliver 'Asks' for More", 263 + "Wanted", 43 + +ARTICLES. + + ANDERSON, MISS E.V.M. + Tragedy of an Author's Wife, 66 + + ATKEY, BERTRAM + Best of Things (The), 94 + + BIRD, A.W. + Bridge Notes, 304 + Conspiracy, 376 + Domestic Strategy, 130 + Poisson d'Avril, 274 + + BRAHMS, MISS M. + Egoist (The), 34 + Riding Lesson (The), 76 + + BRETHERTON, CYRIL + Charivaria, weekly + Guinea-pigs, 98 + To Jessie, 198 + To my Butter Ration, 70 + + BROWN, C.L.M. + Our Invincible Navy, 24 + What of the Dumps?, 218 + With the Auxiliary Patrol, 62 + + BROWN, HILTON + Cutchery Cats, 438 + Demobbed, 258 + Home Thoughts from Hind, 86 + Labuntur Anni, 286 + + BULLETT, GERALD + Exile (The), 96 + + BURTON, C.E. + Flat to Let (A), 222 + + BYLES, C.E. + Analgesia, 434 + Tale of the Tuneful Tub (The), 78 + To a Dentist, 409 + To the New Policeman, 449 + + CARTER, DESMOND + Spring Song (A), 250 + + CASSON, C.R. + Coward (The), 144 + Indiarubber Bloke (The), 254 + Much the Better Half, 408 + My Debut in _Punch_, 49 + On Approval, 444 + Peace with Honour, 288 + + CASSON, E.K. + Anniversary (The), 186 + Cap that Fits (The), 433 + + CHANDLER, MISS B.W. + Fancy Bird (A), 174 + + CLARK, DUDLEY + Small Farm (A), 395 + + COLLINS, GILBERT + Questionable Alien (The), 13 + + CONRAN, E.D. + On the Western Front, 298 + + COXON, MAJOR A.M. + Popular Cricket, 510 + + CRAWFORD, L.J. + Liar's Masterpiece (A), 382 + Rates of Exchange, 216 + + CUNDY, C.W. + All for Jane, 344 + Another Dog Dispute, 464 + Chippo's Scenario, 290 + Conflict of Emotions (A), 108 + Inter-Service Match (An), 228 + Limpet of War (A), 64 + Mardi Gras, 126 + Newspaper Scoop (A), 8 + Smuggler (The), 45 + Sporting Golf, 84 + Won on the Posts, 184 + + DARMADY, E.S. + Burial of Dundee (The), 53 + Error of Judgment at Epsom, 435 + + DAVIS, R.K. + Shakspeare the Traducer, 58 + + DRENNAN, MAX + Little Tales for Young Plumbers, 86 + Our Ballybun Lottery, 42 + Rise and Fall of an Amateur Examiner (The), 244 + + EASTWOOD, CAPT. + King's Regulations, para. 1696, 362 + + ECKERSLEY, ARTHUR + Dram. Bac., 236 + Witchcraft, 198 + + ELIAS, FRANK + Author-Managers (The), 366 + Shattered Romances, 128 + + FARJEON, MISS E. + Two Nightmares, 106 + + FAY, S.J. + Authorship for All, 462, 486 + Billiards, 46 + Bunch of Poets (A), 6 + Dora at the Play, 186 + Golden Geese, 75 + Great Mutton Campaign (The), 218 + My Fire, 28 + Rings from Saturn, 104 + Seaside Issues, 248 + Suzanne's Banking Account, 168 + Taking of Timothy (The), 327 + Wolf and the Lamb (The), 142 + + FOX-SMITH, MISS C. + Figure-Heads, 386 + Packet Rat (The), 266 + Pictures, 110 + So Long, 44 + Tow-rope Girls (The), 350 + Witches, 156 + Words of Wisdom, 10 + + FYLEMAN, MISS ROSE + Fairy Ball (The), 389 + Devil in Devon (The), 418 + Sometimes, 476 + Visit (The), 300 + + FYSON, G.F. + Communism at Cambridge, 390 + + GARSTIN, CROSBIE + Cornish Cottage (A), 466 + Cornish Lullaby (A), 509 + Fixes the Hare, 88 + George and the Cow-Dragon, 164 + Insomniac (The), 124 + Jumble Sale (The), 68 + Letter to the Back-Blocks (A), 16 + Madding Crowd (The), 305 + Maiden's Bower Rocks, Scilly, 486 + Painful Subject (A), 26 + Western Light-houses, 456 + + GILLMAN, CAPT. W.H. + More Championships, 77 + + GOODHART, MRS. H. + Bird Calls, 317, 356, 396 + + GRAHAM, R.D.C. + Loquacious Instinct (The), 448 + + GRAVES, C.L. + Animal Helps, 15 + Books and Backs, 78 + Bridging the Literary Gulf, 396 + Bubble and Squeak, 215 + Candour of Keynes (The), 33 + Easter in Wild Wales, 278 + "First Hundred" of Loeb (The), 7 + Freud and Jung, 193 + From the Dance World, 310 + From the Film World, 510 + Future of Apsley House (The), 475 + How to Pacify Ireland, 458 + Magnanimous Mottoes, 418 + Methodic Madness, 436 + Modern Moon-rakers, 58 + Musical Amenities, 96 + Musical Notes, 496 + New Courtiership (The), 514 + New Isle of the Blest (A), 154 + Paradise of Bards (The), 478 + Reds and Dark Blues, 246 + Revolt of the Super-Georgians, 118 + Screen _v._ Stage, 256 + Storm in a Tea-Shop (A), 129 + Tall Talk, 322 + Wanderer in Norfolk (The), 296 + Wizards: Klingsor and Another, 166 + + GREENLAND, GEORGE + Best Picture in the Academy, 402 + + GUEST, O.H. + Tartar Princess (The), 406 + + HERBERT, A.P. + About Bathrooms, 244 + Art of Poetry (The), 426, 446, 482 + Boat-Race Again (The), 208 + Dog's Life (A), 508 + Genius of Mr. Bradshaw (The), 226 + Little Bits of London, 284, 334, 468 + Making of a Crisis (The), 388 + Manual Play, 366 + Tools of Trade, 264 + + HEYER, GEORGE + Getting Fixed, 488 + Practice of the Crews (The), 226 + + HODGKINSON, T. + Another Post-office Hold-up, 476 + Big-Game Cure (The), 113 + Hope for Posterity, 96 + Safety Play, 324 + Second Time of Asking (The), 210 + This for Remembrance, 294 + To a Coming Champion, 370 + To James (Mule) who has Played me False, 166 + Tube Cure (The), 6 + + HOLLAND, T.W. + Day by Day in the World Of Crime, 149 + + HOLMES, CAPT. W.K. + Personal Element at a Motor Show (The), 242 + Yeoman Transformed (The), 218 + + HOOPER, R.S. + Hints on Advertising, 338 + + JACKSON, WILFRID + Palace and the Cottage (The), 378 + + JAGGER, ARTHUR + Connoisseur (The), 338 + One Sportsman to Another, 406 + + JAY, THOMAS + Charivaria, weekly + Etiquette for Fires, 266 + How to act in Emergencies, 113 + Passing of the Litter (The), 55 + + JENKINS, ERNEST + Actress (The), 258 + Another Crisis, 38 + By the Stream, 298 + Film Notes, 158 + New Appeal (The), 122 + + JENNENS, MRS. + Le Monde ou l'on travaille, 342 + + KIDD, A. + More Intensive Production, 115 + Our Day of Unrest, 30 + + KILPATRICK, MRS. + Elizabeth and her Young Man, 348 + Elizabeth's Tip for the Derby, 428 + My Sales Day, 30 + Party Tactics, 268 + + KNOX, E.V. + Amalgamated Society of Passengers (The), 134 + Book of Adventure (The), 46 + Brain Wave (The), 456 + Capua, 470 + Coalition of 1950 (The), 189 + Dead Tree (The), 150 + Der Tag Once More, 366 + Domestic Problem (The), 22 + Fair Wear and Tear, 202 + Fame, 178 + Hampstead, 404 + Home-Sickness, 386 + Labour and Art, 93 + Labour and the Russian Ballet, 286 + National Coal, 246 + New Modes for Mars, 485 + Note on Chesterfields (A), 504 + Note to Nature (A), 237 + Possession, 262 + Practical Zoology, 430 + Priscilla Dialogue (A), 466 + Raw Soul Stuff, 494 + Sorrows of a Super-Profiteer, 66 + Spring at Kew, 318 + Vanished Species (A), 326 + Vermin Offensive (A), 106 + When the Chestnut Flowers, 346 + + LANGLEY, F.O. + Cox and Box, 146 + Last of the Watch Dogs (The), 224 + Songs of the Home, 14, 78, 207 + + LETTS, MISS W.M. + Elfin Tube (The), 486 + + LEWIS, M.A. + Genius at Play, 365 + Incorrigible (The), 158 + Presence of Mind, 295 + + LIPSCOMB, W.P. + Peter and Judy, 114 + Telephone Tactics, 306 + + LOCKER, W.A. + Essence of Parliament, weekly + + LUCAS, E.V. + Battle of the Mothers (The), 514 + + MARTIN, N.R. + Buy Election (A), 195 + Great Divorce Question (The), 416 + How to gain a Journalistic Position, 2 + My One Admirer, 278 + + MITCHELL, E.W. + Golf Notes, 188 + + MORRISON, A.C.L. + Identification of Hobbs (The), 302 + + MURRAY, JOHN + Auction in the Spacious Times, 162 + Importunity, 496 + + NORRISS, CECIL + Charivaria, weekly + + OGILVIE, W.H. + Single Hound (A), 134 + + PALMER, ARNOLD + High-brows, Ltd., 355 + + PAYNE, MISS D.M. + Jazzerwocky, 26 + + PIGOTT, E.W. + Saturdays, 75 + + RICHARDSON, R.J. + Holiday Anticipations, 502 + Serene Batsman (The), 422 + + RIGBY, REGINALD + Moo-Cow (The), 73 + On the Eating of Asparagus, 502 + Perfect Scullery (The), 416 + What-Not (The), 17 + + SALVIDGE, STANLEY + Latest Party (The), 235 + + SEAMAN, OWEN + At the Play, 18, 36, 116, 136, 156, 276, 316, 498 + Benefits of Peace (The), 42 + Clothes and the Poet, 142 + Fashions for Men, 22 + Healing Waters of Spa (The), 342 + Junker Interlude (A), 222 + Liberal Breach (The), 382 + May-Week, 462 + Men and Things of the Moment, 182 + Nature and Art, 2 + "New" World (The), 202 + Odysseus at the Derby, 422 + Of certain Brutuses who missed their Mark, 82 + On the Italian Riviera, 302 + Open Letter to France (An), 517 + Paisley to the Rescue of the Coalition, 162 + Selfless Party (A), 122 + Summer-time, 242 + Sweet Influences of Trade (The), 62 + Thoughts on the Budget, 322 + To a Bricklayer in Repose, 362 + To America, 102 + "University Intelligence", 442 + Virtue that begins away from Home (The), 402 + Wisdom up to date--12th Edition, 282 + + SIEVEKING, G.E. + Story with a Point (A), 122 + + SOLOMON, G.G. + "Small Ads.", 102 + + STANHOPE, E.V. + Vers tres libre, 262 + + STUART, MISS D.M. + For Remembrance, 450 + Sussex Gods, 346 + + SYMNS, J.M. + Water-Babies, 118 + + TALBOT, A.J. + Dead Sea Fruit, 154 + New Wells for Old, 1 + Perce Murgatroyd, Bricklayer, 455 + Trying Day in Mediaeval Times, 322 + Word-Builders (The), 296 + + TALBOT, MISS ETHEL + Why the Sparrow lives in the Town, 38 + + TAYLOR, P. + Country Night Piece (A), 326 + + THORP, JOSEPH + At the Play, 116, 136, 156, 176, 236, 276, 336, 398, 438 + + WHEELWRIGHT, J.E. + Our "Dumb" Pets Bureau, 257 + + WHITE, E.P. + Aural Tuition, 386 + Connoisseur's Appreciation (A), 442 + Essentials of Golf (The), 490 + Life, 56 + Labour-Saving, 506 + Persistence of the Military, 476 + Winter Sport in the Lower Alps, 204 + + WOODWARD, MARCUS + Meeting the Countess, 410 + + WYNDHAM-BROWN, W.F. + Dedications, 506 + + YONGE, REV. G.V. + Hound-Foxes 206 + +PICTURES AND SKETCHES. + + ARMOUR, G.D., 14, 39, 59, 79, 95, 117, 138, 159, 179, 199, 219, 238, 279, + 315, 375, 399, 445, 478, 494 + + BAUMER, LEWIS, 7, 30, 50, 70, 87, 110, 150, 167, 197, 230, 267, 330, 447, + 490 + + BENNETT, FRED, 468, 481 + + BIRD, W., 8, 28, 48, 76, 88, 108, 128, 148, 168, 188, 208, 228, 248, + 268, 295, 316, 341, 361, 388, 480, 501 + + BROCK, H.M., 129, 244, 274, 298 + + BROOK, RICARDO, 68 + + BUTCHER, A., 20 + + CHENEY, LEO, 433 + + COTTRELL, TOM, 214, 229, 256, 349, 419, 499, 509 + + DIXON, G.S., 441 + + DOWD, J.H., 29, 53, 216, 294, 297, 327, 368, 405, 421, 461, 508 + + EARNSHAW, HAROLD, 281 + + EDWARDS, LIONEL, 259 + + EVANS, TREYER, 280 + + FERRIER, ARTHUR, 140 + + "FOUGASSE", 13, 21, 37, 57, 69, 97, 114, 130, 161, 201, 221, 288, 357, + 379, 417, 437, 477 + + FRASER, PETER, 41, 93, 160, 225, 234, 320, 340, 358, 378, 428, 434 + + GAMMON, REG., 209 + + GHILCHIK, D.L., 141 + + GRAVE, CHARLES, 41, 85, 115, 205, 265, 285, 345, 394, 408, 414, 425, 459, + 485 + + HARRISON, CHARLES, 157, 194 + + HASELDEN, W.K., 18, 36, 116, 136, 156, 276, 336, 398, 438, 498 + + HENRY, THOMAS, 475 + + HOWELLS, W.A., 176, 241 + + JENNIS, G., 77, 255, 319, 404, 515 + + LLOYD, A.W., 133, 153, 154, 173, 174, 193, 213, 233, 253, 254, 273, 313, + 333, 334, 353, 354, 373, 393, 413, 453, 473, 493, 512, 513 + + MILLS, A. WALLIS, 25, 49, 74, 94, 109, 125 147, 175, 185, 207, 239, 245, + 270, 287, 317, 325, 347, 387, 418, 429, 457, 465, 484, 504 + + MORELAND, ARTHUR, 24 + + MORROW, GEORGE, 9, 40, 60, 80, 100, 120, 121, 155, 180, 181, 220, 240, + 260, 261, 300, 308, 338, 360, 377, 397, 400, 420, 430, 448, 474, 488, + 516 + + NORRIS, ARTHUR, 119, 500 + + PARTRIDGE, BERNARD, 1 + + PEDDIE, 514 + + PETT, NORMAN, 58, 381, 440 + + PRANCE, BERTRAM, 33, 61, 165, 200, 299, 305, 321, 348, 359, 415, 460 + + RAVEN-HILL, L., 19, 75, 135, 169, 215, 250, 261, 310, 374, 401, 454, 513, + 518 + + REYNOLDS, FRANK, 17, 34, 44, 67, 84, 104, 137, 144, 164, 184, 204, 237, + 247, 277, 284, 304, 324, 344, 364, 384, 407, 427, 450, 464, 497, 507 + + SHEPARD, E.H., 15, 47, 99, 127, 190, 227, 337, 389, 479, 487 + + SHEPPERSON, C.A. 27, 107, 187, 307, 367, 467 + + SMITH, A.T. 101, 149 + + SPEED, LANCELOT, 301, 455 + + STAMPA, G.L., 5, 54, 89, 105, 124, 177, 196, 217, 235, 257, 269, 289, + 314, 329, 355, 369, 395, 439, 458, 469, 489, 510 + + TERRY, STAN., 98 + + THOMAS, BERT, 4, 35, 45, 65, 145, 195, 293, 328, 339, 354, 365, 385, 410, + 424, 449 + + TOWNSEND, F.H. 10, 55, 73, 90, 113, 139, 170, 189, 210, 224, 249, 275, + 290, 309, 335, 350, 370, 390, 409, 435, 444, 470, 495, 505 + + WARDEN, A.H., 81 + + WHITE, DYKE, 38 + +[Illustration: FINIS] + + + + + + +End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. +158, June 30th, 1920, by Various + +*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH *** + +***** This file should be named 16640.txt or 16640.zip ***** +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: + https://www.gutenberg.org/1/6/6/4/16640/ + +Produced by Jonathan Ingram, Keith Edkins and the Online +Distributed Proofreading Team at https://www.pgdp.net + + +Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions +will be renamed. + +Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no +one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation +(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without +permission and without paying copyright royalties. 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