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| author | Roger Frank <rfrank@pglaf.org> | 2025-10-15 04:49:20 -0700 |
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diff --git a/16640-h/16640-h.htm b/16640-h/16640-h.htm new file mode 100644 index 0000000..f78ffbe --- /dev/null +++ b/16640-h/16640-h.htm @@ -0,0 +1,3164 @@ +<!DOCTYPE html PUBLIC "-//W3C//DTD XHTML 1.0 Transitional//EN" + "http://www.w3.org/TR/xhtml1/DTD/xhtml1-transitional.dtd"> + +<html xmlns="http://www.w3.org/1999/xhtml"> +<head> + <meta http-equiv="Content-Type" content="text/html; charset=iso-8859-1" /> + + <title>Punch, June 30th, 1920.</title> + + <style type="text/css"> + <!-- + body {margin-left: 10%; margin-right: 10%;} + p {text-align: justify;} + p.center {text-align: center;} + p.author {text-align: right; margin-top: -1em; margin-right: 5%;} + p.right {text-align: right; margin-right: 5%;} + .i16 {margin-left: 8em;} + blockquote {text-align: justify;} + h1,h2,h3,h4,h5,h6 {text-align: center;} + pre {font-size: 0.7em;} + + hr {text-align: center; width: 50%;} + html>body hr {margin-right: 25%; margin-left: 25%; width: 50%;} + hr.full {width: 100%;} + html>body hr.full {margin-right: 0%; margin-left: 0%; width: 100%;} + hr.short {text-align: center; width: 20%;} + html>body hr.short {margin-right: 40%; margin-left: 40%; width: 20%;} + + .sc {font-variant: small-caps;} + .note + {margin-left: 10%; margin-right: 10%; font-size: 0.9em;} + + span.pagenum + {position: absolute; left: 1%; right: 91%; font-size: 8pt; text-indent: 0;} + + .poem + {margin-left:10%; margin-right:10%; margin-bottom: 1em; text-align: left;} + .poem .stanza {margin: 1em 0em 1em 0em;} + .poem p {margin: 0; padding-left: 3em; text-indent: -3em;} + .poem p.i2 {margin-left: 1em;} + .poem p.i4 {margin-left: 2em;} + .poem p.i6 {margin-left: 3em;} + .poem p.i8 {margin-left: 4em;} + .poem p.i10 {margin-left: 5em;} + .poem p.i12 {margin-left: 6em;} + .poem p.i16 {margin-left: 8em;} + + .figure, .figcenter, .figright, .figleft + {padding: 1em; margin: 0; text-align: center; font-size: 0.8em;} + .figure img, .figcenter img, .figright img, .figleft img + {border: none;} + .figure p, .figcenter p, .figright p, .figleft p + {margin: 0; text-indent: 1em;} + .figure p.in, .figcenter p.in, .figright p.in, .figleft p.in + {margin: 0; text-indent: 8em;} + .figcenter {margin: auto;} + .figright {float: right;} + .figleft {float: left;} + --> + </style> +</head> +<body> + + +<pre> + +The Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 158, +June 30th, 1920, by Various + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 158, June 30th, 1920 + +Author: Various + +Release Date: September 4, 2005 [EBook #16640] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1 + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH *** + + + + +Produced by Jonathan Ingram, Keith Edkins and the Online +Distributed Proofreading Team at https://www.pgdp.net + + + + + + +</pre> + + <h1>PUNCH,<br /> + OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.</h1> + + <h2>Vol. 158.</h2> + <hr class="full" /> + + <h2>June 30th, 1920.</h2> + <hr class="full" /> +<span class="pagenum"><a name="page501" id="page501"></a>[pg 501]</span> + +<h2>CHARIVARIA.</h2> + + <p>Fewer births are recorded in Ireland during the past seven months. No + surprise can be felt, for we cannot imagine anybody being born in Ireland + on purpose just now.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + + <p>A London firm are now manufacturing what they call the smallest + motor-car on the market. How great a boon this will be to the general + public will be gathered from the report that one of these cars has been + knocked down by a pedestrian.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + + <p>According to a Sunday paper <font class="sc">Mustapha Kemal</font> + wants as soldiers only those who will die for their belief in his cause. + Previous experience is not essential.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + + <p>Citizens of Ealing have protested against Sunday concerts unless + Sunday bathing is also permitted. The pre-war custom of merely sponging + the ears after attending a recital was never wholly satisfactory.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + + <p>According to an inscription on the score card of the North Berwick + Club, "golf is a science in which you may exhaust yourself but never your + subject." Several clubs, however, claim to possess colonels who can say + practically all that is worth saying about the game without stopping to + get their second wind.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + + <p>Girls have broadened out a lot, declared a speaker at the annual + conference of the Head-mistresses' Association. The home-made jumper, it + appears, has been coming in for a good deal of unmerited blame.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + + <p>A middle-aged man was charged at the Thames Police Court the other day + with having an altercation with a lamp-post. It appears that the man + called the lamp-post "Pussyfoot," and the latter promptly knocked him + down.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + + <p>Special courts, it is stated, are to be set up for the trial of Irish + criminals. The need, we gather, is for some machinery by which the trial + can be conducted in the absence of the prisoner.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + + <p>"I have put in a good three months in the garden," Mr. <font + class="sc">Smillie</font> told a reporter, on his return to London, "and + have coaxed some nice red roses out." Coaxing the nice red miners out is + comparatively easy work.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + + <p>On a question of equipment Ashford Fire Brigade has resigned. It is + not known yet whether local fires will go out in sympathy with the + Brigade.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + + <p>Letchworth, the first Garden City, has voted itself dry by a majority + of sixty-five. There seems to be a lack of hospitality in this attempt to + discourage American visitors.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + + <p>The latest news from Turkey, Russia and Ireland sets us wondering what + the War made the world safe for.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + + <p>Ants, we are informed, will not come near the hands of a person if + well rubbed with a raw onion. The last time we attempted to rub an ant + with a raw onion he broke away and made a dash for the hills.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + + <p><i>The Chicago Tribune</i> points out that two attempts have been made + on the life of the <font class="sc">ex-Kaiser</font>. It is hoped that he + will realise that it would be a breach of etiquette to get assassinated + before the Allies have decided what is to be done with him.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + + <p>We understand that one of the New Poor who recently found a burglar in + his house searching for money immediately offered the intruder ten per + cent. if he proved successful.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + + <p>Referring to the report in these columns last week that two + bricklayers were seen to remove their coats at Finsbury Park, we now hear + that it was simply done to oblige a photographer who was understood to + have been sent down by Dr. <font class="sc">Addison</font>.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + + <p>Among the articles left in trains on a South Coast railway is a + sandwich. Unless claimed within three days we understand that it will be + broken up and sold to defray expenses.</p> + +<hr /> + +<h2>IMPORTANT NOTICE.</h2> + + <p>Mr. Punch begs leave to draw the attention of the Intelligent Public + to the fact that on Monday next, July 5th, he proposes to publish a + Special Summer Number. All his previous Summer Numbers have appeared in + the form of an ordinary weekly issue, with additional holiday and other + matter. This is a Special Summer Number, altogether distinct from the + weekly issue. It will contain thirty-six pages, almost entirely made up + of drawings, and including several pages of illustrations in three + colours. Mr. Punch has great pleasure in inviting his friends to + encourage him in this new venture.</p> + +<hr /> + + <div class="figcenter" style="width:50%;"> + <a href="images/476.png"><img width="100%" src="images/476.png" + alt="THE GORGEOUS UNIFORMS OF THE PAST" /></a> + <p>THE GORGEOUS UNIFORMS OF THE PAST MAY BE RE-INTRODUCED INTO THE + ARMY; BUT, IF SO, THE CINEMA ATTENDANT WILL NOT GIVE IN WITHOUT A + STRUGGLE.</p> + </div> +<hr /> + +<h4>Our Enterprising Contemporaries.</h4> + + <blockquote> + <p>"<font class="sc">News by Wire and Air.</font></p> + + <p>To-day is the longest day."—"<i>Daily Mail</i>," <i>June + 21st</i>.</p> + + </blockquote> +<hr class="short" /> + +<h4>The Expansion of Scotland.</h4> + + <blockquote> + <p>"The most interesting features of the vital statistics of Scotland.... + The girth-rate was higher than those of all first quarters since + 1891.—<i>Daily Paper.</i></p> + + </blockquote> +<hr class="short" /> + +<h4>Our Merry Municipalities.</h4> + + <blockquote> + <p>"—— TOWN COUNCIL.</p> + + <p><font class="sc">Minutes for Monday's Meeting.</font></p> + + <p><font class="sc">More Increases of Wags.</font>"—<i>Provincial + Paper.</i></p> + + </blockquote> +<hr class="short" /> + +<h4>Threatened Unrest at the Zoo.</h4> + + <blockquote> + <p>"Mr. Churchill has made up his mind, but if he gets his way every + tadpole and tapir will take it as a precedent."—<i>Daily + News.</i></p> + + </blockquote> +<hr class="short" /> + + <blockquote> + <p>"In a driving competition Ray drove 723 yards, one + inch."—<i>South African Paper.</i></p> + + </blockquote> + <p>Another inch, and we should have refused to believe it.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + + <blockquote> + <p>"<font class="sc">Wilson would Take Mandate over America.</font></p> + + <p><font class="sc">Washington</font>, May 25.—President Wilson + Monday asked authority from Congress for the United States to accept a + mandate over Armenia.—<i>Canadian Paper.</i></p> + + </blockquote> + <p>But there is no reason to believe that the headline is inaccurate.</p> + +<hr /> + +<span class="pagenum"><a name="page502" id="page502"></a>[pg 502]</span> + +<h2>HOLIDAY ANTICIPATIONS.</h2> + + <blockquote> + <p>[Now that holiday-planning is in season we have pleasure in announcing + a few proposed schemes for the recreation of some of the mighty brains + that shape our destinies and guide our groping intelligences. But it must + be clearly understood that in these inconstant times we cannot vouch for + their authenticity or guarantee fulfilment.]</p> + + </blockquote> + <p><font class="sc">Mr. Asquith's</font> recent success in spotting the + winner of the Derby is believed to have inspired Mr. <font + class="sc">Lloyd George</font> with an idea of combining his present + policy of always going one, if not two or three, better than the Old Man + with a public demonstration of the extent to which the crude Puritanism + of his youth has been mellowed by sympathies more in keeping with his + later political alliances. He is credited with the intention of putting + to appropriate use his peculiar gifts of non-committal prophecy and + persuasive casuistry, and at the same time making sure of a profitable + holiday in the open air by "doing" the Sussex Fortnight, beginning with + the Goodwood meeting, in the capacity of Downy Dave, a race-course + tipster.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + + <p>There is reason to believe that, if the Recess should afford Sir <font + class="sc">William Sutherland</font> an opportunity to indulge his + craving for the Simple Life, he will proceed to Italy to join the coterie + of ascetics known as the Assisi Set. His conspicuous ability in telling + the tale to the London Pressmen encourages expectations that he will be + no less successful as a preacher to the birds, after the manner of St. + <font class="sc">Francis</font>, the founder of the cult.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + + <p>In financial circles it is expected that Mr. <font + class="sc">Chamberlain</font> will spend the vacation <i>incognito</i> in + the neighbourhood of Blackpool, partly for the sake of the invigorating + air, but mainly, in view of the abnormal prosperity of Lancashire, for + the purpose of considering on the spot the possibilities of a levy on + capital as a local experiment.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + + <p>A rumour is current in Whitehall, and gains colour from the activity + in certain seaports, that, in consequence of Earl <font + class="sc">Curzon's</font> having been informed that the number of + Channel-swimmers is likely to be unusually large this summer, his + lordship has decided to take command of a fleet of Foreign Office + launches, which will patrol the coast to make sure that none of these + persons is unprovided with a passport.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + + <p>At Unity House a suspicion is entertained that Sir <font + class="sc">Eric Geddes</font> contemplates utilising the holidays for the + double purpose of working off superfluous steam and familiarizing himself + with the true attitude of the railwaymen by working as a stoker on one of + the great main lines. Should this scheme be carried into effect + arrangements are in readiness to compel him to become a member of the + N.U.R.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + + <p>It is hoped that Mr. <font class="sc">Augustus John</font> will be + able to accompany Lord <font class="sc">Beaverbrook</font> to Canada this + summer, so that his lordship may gratify his lifelong ambition to be + painted by Mr. <font class="sc">John</font>, with the primeval backwoods + for a setting, in the character of a <i>coureur-des-bois</i>, of the type + immortalized by Sir <font class="sc">Gilbert Parker</font> in + <i>Pierre</i>.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + + <p>As far as can be ascertained, Mr. <font class="sc">Bernard Shaw</font> + intends to devote the holidays to verifying the report of his namesake, + Mr. <font class="sc">Tom Shaw</font> (with whom he has been stupidly + confused), on the Bolshevik <i>régime</i>. He will probably enter Russia + secretly, accompanied by a mixed party of vegetarian Fabians disguised as + Muscovites, so that in the event of being denounced as Boorjoos they may + hope to pass for returning Dukhobors, or, in case of detection, for an + amateur theatrical company touring with <i>Labour's Love's Lost</i>.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + + <p>We understand that Lords <font class="sc">Lonsdale</font> and <font + class="sc">Birkenhead</font> are making arrangements for a joint trip to + Cuba, in order to investigate personally the condition and prospects of + the Havana leaf industry. It will not be surprising if this visit bears + fruit in the shape of the eighteen-inch super-cigar which sporting men + have been for so long demanding.</p> + +<hr /> + +<h2>ON THE EATING OF ASPARAGUS.</h2> + + <p>There were twenty-three ways of eating asparagus known to the + ancients. Of these the best known method was to suspend it on pulleys + about three feet from the ground and "approach the green" on one's back + along the floor; but it was discontinued about the middle of the fourth + century, and no new method worthy of serious consideration was + subsequently evolved, till the August or September of 1875, when a Mr. + Gunter-Brown wrote a letter to the <i>A.A.R.</i> (<i>The Asparagus + Absorbers' Review and Gross Feeders' Gazette</i>), saying that he had + patented a scheme more cleanly and less unsightly than the practice of + tilting the head backward at an angle of forty-five degrees and lowering + the asparagus into the expectant face, which is shown by statistics to + have been the mode usually adopted at that time.</p> + + <p>Mr. Gunter-Brown's apparatus, necessary to the method he advocated, + consisted of a silver or plated tube, into which each branch of + asparagus, except the last inch, was placed, and so drawn into the mouth + by suction, the eater grasping the last uneatable inch, together with the + butt end of the tube, in the palm of his hand. Asparagus branches being + of variable girth, a rubber washer inserted in the end of the tube + furthest from the eater's mouth helped to cause a vacuum.</p> + + <p>The inventor claimed that the edible portion of the delicacy became + detached if the intake of the eater was strong enough, but he overlooked + the fact that the necessary force caused the asparagus to pass through + the epiglottis into the œsophagus before the eater had time to enjoy + the taste (as was proved by experiment) and so all sense of pleasure was + lost.</p> + + <p>More prospective marriages have been marred through the abuse of + asparagus at table than through mixed bathing at Tunbridge Wells. For + instance, though the matter was hushed up at the time, it is an open + secret among their friends that Miss Gladys Devereux broke off her + engagement to young Percy Gore-Mont on account of his <i>gaucherie</i> + when assimilating this weed at a dinner-party. It seems that he simply + threw himself at the stuff, and that one of the servants had to comb the + melted butter out of his hair before he could appear in the + drawing-room.</p> + + <p>The case of the Timminses, too, presents very sad features, though the + marriage was not in this case abandoned, the high contracting parties not + having once encountered a dish of asparagus simultaneously during the + engagement. Yet it is more than rumoured that when, at the end of the + close season, asparagus may be hunted, there is considerable friction in + the Timminses' household, because Mrs. Timmins plays with a straight + fork, while Timmins affects the crouching style.</p> + + <p>Happily, however, a light at last appears to be shining through the + darkness. Under the auspices of the Vegetable Growers Association (Luxury + Trades section) an asparagus eating contest has been arranged to take + place in the Floral Hall early in July. As the entrants to date include a + contortionist and at least three well-known war-profiteers it is + confidently expected that some startling methods will be exhibited which + may revolutionise asparagus-eating in this country.</p> + +<hr /> + + <blockquote> + <p>"<font class="sc">Dunoon.</font>—Sitting room and two bedrooms + to let for month of Dunoon."—<i>Scotch Paper.</i></p> + + </blockquote> + <p>We welcome the introduction of "rhyming slang" to brighten up the + advertisement columns.</p> + +<hr /> + +<span class="pagenum"><a name="page503" id="page503"></a>[pg 503]</span> + + <div class="figcenter" style="width:100%;"> + <a href="images/478.png"><img width="100%" src="images/478.png" + alt="PARADISE LOST AGAIN?" /></a> + <h3>PARADISE LOST AGAIN?</h3> + + <p><font class="sc">Mr. Asquith</font> (<i>to John Bull</i>). "OF + COURSE MESOPOTAMIA IS A BEAUTIFUL PLACE, AND NO ONE HAS EVER BEEN + ANXIOUS TO VACATE THE GARDEN OF EDEN; BUT YOU MUST REFLECT THAT THE + COST OF ITS UPKEEP HAS INCREASED ENORMOUSLY SINCE ADAM'S TIME."</p> + </div> +<hr /> + +<span class="pagenum"><a name="page504" id="page504"></a>[pg 504]</span> + + <div class="figcenter" style="width:100%;"> + <a href="images/479.png"><img width="100%" src="images/479.png" + alt="Howdy, Bo?" /></a> + <p><i>Lady of the Manor.</i> "<font class="sc">Howdy, Bo? Sit right + down. I sure hope you're feeling full of pep! Excuse me, Vicar, but I'm + practising a few phrases so that in case I meet any of this American + invasion I can make them feel at home.</font>"</p> + </div> +<hr /> + +<h2>A NOTE ON CHESTERFIELDS.</h2> + + <p>In the Soviet Republic of Russia, I am told, no one can lay claim to + the title of worker unless his hands are hardened and roughened by toil, + and <font class="sc">Lenin</font> and <font class="sc">Trotsky</font> + have to take their turns at the rack, like the commonest executioner. In + England we are not nearly so particular about the manual test, and, + besides feeling quite kindly disposed towards professional footballers, + tea-tasters and the men who stand on Cornish cliffs and shout when they + see the pilchard shoals come in, we still give a certain amount of credit + to mere brain-work as well.</p> + + <p>There is, however, a poisonous idea prevalent, especially amongst the + women of this country, that a fellow is not working with his brain unless + he is walking rapidly up and down the room with wrinkles on his forehead, + or sitting on a hard chair at a table with a file of papers in front of + him. But there is no rule of this sort about the birth of great and + beautiful ideas in the human brain. It is all a matter of individual + taste and habit. I know a man, a poet, who thinks best on the Underground + Railway, and that is the reason why he said the other day, "Give me to + gaze once more on the blue hills," to the girl in the booking-office, + when what he really wanted was a ticket (of a light heliotrope colour) to + St. James's Park. Lord <font class="sc">Byron</font>, on the other hand, + composed a sorrowful ditty on the decadence of the Isles of Greece whilst + shaving; but the invention of the safety-razor and the energetic action + of M. <font class="sc">Venizelos</font> will most likely render it + unnecessary for anyone to repeat such a performance. As for the people + who have a sudden bright idea whilst they are dressing for dinner, they + may be dismissed at once, for they nearly always go to bed by mistake + and, when they wake up again extremely hungry, they have forgotten what + it was.</p> + + <p>Most experts are really agreed that a recumbent or semi-recumbent + position is the best for creative thought, and another friend of mine, + also a maker of verses, has patented the very ingenious device of a pair + of stirrups just under the mantelshelf, so that, when he sits back in his + armchair, he can manage his Pegasus without having his feet continually + slipping off the marble surface into the fender.</p> + + <p>Much may be said too for a seat in a first-class railway carriage, + when you have the compartment all to yourself and the train is going at + sixty miles an hour or more. But England is hardly spacious enough for a + really sustained inspiration; and the result of being turned out suddenly + at Thurso, N.B., or Penzance is that some opening flower of the human + intellect fails to achieve its perfect bloom, and as likely as not your + golf clubs are left in the rack.</p> + + <p>There is also, of course, an influential school which believes + strongly in the early morning tea hour, and people who ought to know tell + me that Mr. <font class="sc">Winston Churchill</font> plans new uniforms + for the Guards as well as the campaign in Mesopotamia with pink pyjamas + on, and that the <font class="sc">Prime Minister</font> can never be + persuaded to get up for breakfast until he has hit on a few of those + striking repartees which <span class="pagenum"><a name="page505" + id="page505"></a>[pg 505]</span> are subsequently translated by his posse + of interpreters into Russian, Italian, Bohemian and Erse.</p> + + <p>For my part, however, I swear by a Chesterfield sofa, a large one, on + which you can lie at full length, as I am lying now; the most comfortable + thing there is on earth, I think, except perhaps a truss of hay, when one + has been riding for about six consecutive hours in an army saddle. But + there are disadvantages even about a Chesterfield sofa. It is, to begin + with, in the drawing-room and in the drawing-room one is not so entirely + immune from the trivial incidents of everyday life as I like to be when I + am having brain-waves. Doors are opened and this creates a draught, and + it is not the slightest use attempting a real work of imagination when + people will come in and ask if I am lying on <i>The Literary + Supplement</i> of <i>The Times</i> (as if it were likely), or the + anti-aircraft gun that the children were playing with after lunch. For + this reason I have had to invent an even better thing than the ordinary + Chesterfield sofa, and since it will be, when made, the noblest piece of + scientific upholstery in the world I will ask the printer to write the + next sentence in italics, please.</p> + + <p><i>It is a Chesterfield sofa enclosed on all four sides.</i> Thank + you.</p> + + <p>The marvels of this receptacle for human thought will dawn upon the + reader by slow degrees. Try to imagine yourself ensconced there, having + climbed up by the short flight of steps which will be attached to it, + enisled and remote amidst the surging traffic that sweeps through a + drawing-room. Instead of making a rapid bolt to escape from callers and + probably meeting them full tilt in the hall, you simply stay on, + thinking. You have nothing to fear from them, unless they are so + inquisitive and ill-mannered as to come and peep over the edge. With + plenty of tobacco, a writing tablet and a fountain-pen, you can stare at + the anaglypta ceiling and dream noble thoughts and put them down when you + like without interruption. On sunny days the apparatus can be wheeled on + to the balcony, where the sapphire sky will be exchanged for the + anaglypta ceiling; and for winter use a metal base will be supplied, + under which you can place either an oil-stove or an electric + radiator.</p> + + <p>I should like to see this four-sided Chesterfield in offices also. The + master-strokes of commercial and administrative skill would be much more + masterly with most people if they did not have to proceed from a hard + office chair. You can easily dictate to a typist from the interior of a + Chesterfield, and, though I know that business men and Government + officials are often subjected to deputations, during which they have to + look their persecutors in the face, this difficulty could be overcome by + means of a sliding panel, through which the face of the recumbent + administrator could be poked when necessary, wearing the proper + expression of shrewdness, terror, conciliation or rage. I should like Sir + <font class="sc">Eric Geddes</font> to have one of my four-sided + Chesterfields.</p> + + <p>With his usual sagacity the reader will probably remark here that the + four-sided Chesterfield can be procured ready-made at any moment by + turning the usual article round and pushing it up against the wall. This + point has not escaped notice, my friend. But you can hardly imagine the + objections that will be urged by the female members of your household + against adopting such a course in the drawing-room. They will assert, + amongst other things, that Mrs. Ponsonby-Smith is on the point of + arriving and that she will think you've done it on purpose.</p> + + <p>I shall have the upholsterer in to-morrow.</p> + +<p class="author"><font class="sc">Evoe.</font></p> + +<hr /> + + <div class="figcenter" style="width:66%;"> + <a href="images/480.png"><img width="100%" src="images/480.png" + alt="Any interesting cases coming on?" /></a> + <p><i>Gladys.</i> "<font class="sc">Have you any interesting cases + coming on, Sir Charles?</font>"</p> + + <p><i>Eminent K.C.</i> "<font class="sc">We have a very intricate and + technical case coming on—most interesting. It turns on the + question whether a certain subterranean conduit should be classified as + a drain or a sewer.</font>"</p> + + <p><i>Gladys.</i> "<font class="sc">Oh, but why not ask a + plumber?</font>"</p> + </div> +<hr /> + +<span class="pagenum"><a name="page506" id="page506"></a>[pg 506]</span> + +<h2>DEDICATIONS.</h2> + + <p><font class="sc">Mr. Compton Mackenzie</font> has found it necessary + to state publicly in a dedication that his books have not been written by + his sister.</p> + + <p>The following extracts are taken from possible future dedications by + various authors:—</p> + +<p class="center"><i>Mr. <font class="sc">H.G. Wells</font> to the Bishop of +<font class="sc">London</font>.</i></p> + + <p>As I have seen it stated in various journals that you are the author + of my book, <i>The Soul of a Bishop</i>, I hereby take the opportunity of + informing your Lordship most definitely and emphatically that you are + <i>not</i>. That book and also <i>The Passionate Friends</i> were written + without any assistance from the episcopal bench. To avoid future + misunderstanding I may say that all my books are written by myself. If at + any time it is suggested that any publication of your Lordship has been + written by me, I shall be glad if you will immediately issue a + contradiction.</p> + +<p class="center"><i>Mr. <font class="sc">Bernard Shaw</font> to the Editor of +"The Morning Post."</i></p> + + <p>You have not written my books. You have not written my plays. Any + statement to the contrary is an infamous falsehood. No one else, dead or + alive, could ever have written anything which I have written. When I have + become an imbecile, which is not likely to happen yet, as I am a + vegetarian and do not read your rag, it will be time enough for other + people to lay claim to my work. Nor have I ever assisted you in + conducting that which you call a paper, nor have I ever written an + editorial for its columns. Please let this matter have your futile + attention.</p> + +<p class="center"><i>Miss <font class="sc">Daisy Ashford</font> to Lord +<font class="sc">Haldane</font>.</i></p> + + <p>If I did not believe your Lordship to be really innosent I should be + very vexed with you. But let me explain. I have heard it said in reliable + quarters that you are the auther of <i>The Young Visiters</i>. Oh, my + Lord! my Lord! I thought everybody knew by now that no one helped me even + to spell a word. I have read your Lordship's books with pleasure and of + course realise their promise. But it is all very diferent stuff from + <i>The Young Visiters</i>. Please in the future disclaim all credit for + giving me my idears, and in return I can assure you that your skemes for + the better education of the people shall have my enthoosiastic + suport.</p> + +<p class="center"><i>Mr. <font class="sc">Arnold Bennett</font> to The Man +in the Street.</i></p> + + <p>The last thing that I wish is that you should he misunderstood; all my + life I have laboured to explain you to yourself. That my explanation has + pleased you is shown by the fact that you buy my books. But you have + commenced to give yourself airs, my man, and it is time you were put in + your place. My books are so much to your taste that you have been led to + believe yourself the author. Now please understand my books are written + <i>for</i> you and not <i>by</i> you. You merely exist—thanks to + me—and pay. I have been told that I once wrote a book called <i>The + Old Wives' Tale</i>. If so, that was in earlier days, and you have long + since forgiven me. And do you not owe me something for <i>The Pretty + Lady</i>? Have I not shown you that your love is both sacred and profane? + As I have enough to contend with from those who care for literature I + hope any further word from me on this subject will be unnecessary.</p> + +<p class="center"><i>Mrs. <font class="sc">Florence Barclay</font> to Lord +<font class="sc">Fisher</font>.</i></p> + + <p>The phenomenal success of our recent volumes has, I understand, led a + certain section of our public to believe that you are the author of + several of my books. In particular it has been stated that <i>The + Rosary</i> was written by your Lordship. As you know, I have a great + respect for the aristocracy, and I do not suggest that you have + deliberately put yourself forward as the author of my books. You will, + however, understand me when I say that only your Lordship could express + all that I feel about the matter. The mixing up of our identities is + probably explained by the fact that we are both stylists and seekers for + the <i>mot juste</i>. Will you please assist me in making it clear that + we work independently? As I am staying in a country parsonage and it is + our custom to read one another's letters over the breakfast-table, I + shall be glad if any reply you may wish to make should be sent to the + Editor of <i>The Times</i>.</p> + +<p class="center"><i>Sir <font class="sc">Arthur Conan Doyle</font> to Sir +<font class="sc">Oliver Lodge</font>.</i></p> + + <p>Our common concern with the life beyond has become so well known that + our interests in this present life are in danger of becoming involved. In + a volume of <i>Sherlock Holmes</i> stories recently purchased abroad I + find you described as the author, and another book assures me that I have + written extensively on the Atomic Theory. You will, I am sure, see the + harm which I am likely to suffer through such mistakes. Nor does the + confusion end here. I find that my novel, <i>The Hound of the + Baskervilles</i>, is now stated to be by Sir <font class="sc">Conan + Lodge</font>, and another book of mine, <i>The Lost World</i>, to be by + Sir <font class="sc">Oliver Doyle</font>. Also I have seen myself + described as "The Principal of Birmingham University," and yourself as + the well-known detective of Baker Street. May I solicit your aid in + helping me to suppress any further confusion of our respective genii? My + best wishes to you and the good work.</p> + +<hr /> + +<h3>LABOUR-SAVING.</h3> + + <blockquote> + <p>["Electric bore, one man, portable."—<i>Trade Journal</i>.]</p> + + </blockquote> + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Though not a scientific bean</p> + <p>I am occasionally seen</p> + <p>Scanning a technic magazine.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>I love to learn of any wheeze</p> + <p>Wherewith to win by quick degrees</p> + <p>A rich sufficiency of ease.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>And so it thrilled me to the core</p> + <p>To read the phrase, "Electric bore,"</p> + <p>And think of happy days in store.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>In former times I'd often start</p> + <p>Abroad with eagerness of heart</p> + <p>To patronise dramatic art;</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Only at curtain's fall to come</p> + <p>Homeward again, dejected, glum,</p> + <p>And overwhelmed by tedium.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>With <i>ennui</i> verging on distress</p> + <p>I'd witnessed from the circle (dress)</p> + <p>Some transatlantic <font class="sc">huge success</font>;</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Or else some play of Irish life,</p> + <p>Ending with father, son and wife</p> + <p>Impaled upon a single knife;</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Or haply I had chanced to choose</p> + <p>Some even surer source of blues,</p> + <p>One of the things they call revues.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>But now those times are passed away;</p> + <p>Electric bores have come to stay;</p> + <p>I mean to purchase one to-day.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>I don't know how it works, but an</p> + <p>Authority declares it can</p> + <p>Be guided by a single man.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>I have in mind a little niche</p> + <p>Beside my study window which</p> + <p>Will just accommodate the switch.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Henceforth abroad no more I'll roam,</p> + <p>But turn it on at evening's gloam</p> + <p>And yawn my time away at home.</p> + </div> + </div> + +<hr /> + +<h4>Our Go-ahead Municipalities.</h4> + + <blockquote> + <p>"Visitors to —— this summer need not fear want of + recreation, for the Urban Council on Wednesday granted an application by + Mr. —— for leave to place an additional donkey on the + beach."—<i>Provincial Paper.</i></p> + + </blockquote> +<hr class="short" /> + + <blockquote> + <p>"Mr. Taylor, who had relieved Mr. Higgins, here had the misfortune to + see Seymour badly hit over the right eye on attempting to hook one of his + rising deliveries."—<i>Daily Paper.</i></p> + + </blockquote> + <p><font class="sc">Seymour</font>, we understand, sympathised warmly + with Mr. <font class="sc">Taylor</font> over this piece of bad luck.</p> + +<hr /> + +<span class="pagenum"><a name="page507" id="page507"></a>[pg 507]</span> + + <div class="figcenter" style="width:100%;"> + <a href="images/482.png"><img width="100%" src="images/482.png" + alt="MANNERS AND MODES." /></a> + <h3>MANNERS AND MODES.</h3> + + <p>DARBY AND JOAN (FOR THE PREVAILING EPIDEMIC SPARES NEITHER AGE NOR + VIRTUE) FAIL TO FIND THE WINNER OF THE 2.30.</p> + </div> +<hr /> + +<span class="pagenum"><a name="page508" id="page508"></a>[pg 508]</span> + + <div class="figcenter" style="width:50%;"> + <a href="images/483.png"><img width="100%" src="images/483.png" + alt="AT WIMBLEDON." /></a> + <p class="center">AT WIMBLEDON.</p> + + <p><i>Umpire.</i> "<font class="sc">Forty, thirty, Slasher</font>."</p> + + <p><i>Diana</i> (<i>fresh from Ascot</i>). "<font class="sc">Put me + thirty shillings on</font>."</p> + </div> +<hr /> + +<h2>A DOG'S LIFE.</h2> + + <p>The life of a public man is a dog's life. I don't know why a dog's + life should be the type and summit of unpleasantness in lives; for myself + I should have thought it was rather a good life; no clothes to buy and no + shortage of smells; but there it is. The reason is perhaps that a dog + spends most of his day just finding a really good smell and being + diverted from it by something else, a loud whistle in front or a + motor-bicycle or another smell. He rushes off then after the whistler or + the motor-bicycle or the new smell, missing all kinds of good smells on + the way and never getting the cream of the old one. And that is like the + day of the public man.</p> + + <p>He sits up in bed in the morning, having his breakfast and thinking + over the smells he is going to have during the day. There is an enormous + choice. The whole of the bed is covered with papers; there are tables on + either side of the bed covered with papers, letters and memoranda, and + agenda and minutes and constituents' grievances, and charitable appeals + and ordinary begs. When he moves his foot there is a great crackling, and + the surface papers float off into the air and are wafted about the room. + Each paper represents a different smell. He is going to make a speech to + the Bottle-Washers' Union at 11 <font class="sc">a.m.</font> and he is + reading the notes of his speech; but before that he has got to introduce + a deputation of Fish-Friers to the <font class="sc">Home Secretary</font> + at ten and he is trying to find out what the Fish-Friers are after. But + the telephone-bell keeps on ringing and the papers keep on floating away, + and the papers about the Fish-Friers keep mixing themselves up with the + papers about the Bottle-Washers, and the valet keeps coming in to say + that the bath is prepared or the hosier has come, so that it is all very + difficult.</p> + + <p>All his family ring him up, and all the people who were at the meeting + last night and were not quite satisfied with the terms of the Resolution, + and all the people who are interested in Fish-Frying and Bottle-Washing, + and all the people who want him to make a speech at Cardiff next year, + and several newspapers who would like to interview him about the Sewers + and Drains Bill, and a man whose uncle has not yet been demobilised, and + a lady whose first-born son would like to be President of the Board of + Trade as soon as it can be arranged. Meanwhile people begin to drift into + the room. The Private Secretary drifts in with a despatch-case, full of + new smells and some old ones; and the valet drifts in to say that the + bath is still prepared, and a haircutter and a man from the shirt-makers, + and the Secretary of the Fish-Friers, who has looked in for a quiet talk + about the situation.</p> + + <p>When they are all ready for their quiet talks the public man decides + that it is time he got up; he leaps out of bed and rushes out of the room + and shaves and baths and does his exercises very very quickly. Then he + rushes back and has a talk with the <font class="sc">Home + Secretary</font> on the telephone while he is drying his ears. When his + ears are nice and dry he rings off and ties his tie, meanwhile dictating + a nasty letter to <i>The Times</i> about the Scavengers (Minimum Wage) + (Scotland) No. 2 Bill. In the middle of this letter two new crises + arise—(1) The <font class="sc">Home Secretary's</font> Private + Secretary's Secretary rings up and says that the Fish-Friers' deputation + is postponed till 11 <font class="sc">a.m.</font> because of a Cabinet + Meeting about the new war. (2) The Assistant-Secretary to the <font + class="sc">Prime Minister's</font> Principal Secretary's Secretary rings + up and says that the <font class="sc">Prime Minister</font> can see the + public man for ten seconds at one minute past eleven. It is now clear + that the Bottle-Washers and the Fish-Friers and the <font + class="sc">Prime Minister</font> are going to clash pretty badly, and a + scene of intense confusion takes place. The public man runs about the + room in his shirt-sleeves smelling distractedly at the papers on the + floor and on the bed and everywhere else. Some of the papers he throws at + the Private Secretary and tells him to write a memorandum about them, and + go and see the War Office about them and have six copies made of them. + Most of them, however, he just throws on the floor or hides away in a + dressing-gown where the Private Secretary won't find them; this is the + only way of making sure of a permanent supply of good crises. A crisis + about a lost document is far and away the most fruitful kind of + crisis.</p> + + <p>Meanwhile the valet pursues the public man about the room with spats + and tries to attach them to his person. If he can attach both spats + before the Fish-Friers' man really gets hold of him he has won the game. + The Fish-Friers' man keeps clearing his throat and beginning, "The + position is this—"; and the Private Secretary keeps saying in a + cold dispassionate voice, "Are you going to the Lord Mayor's lunch?" or + "How much will you give to the Dyspeptic Postmen's Association?" or "What + about this letter from Bunt?"</p> + + <p>The public man takes no notice of any one of them, but says rapidly + over and over again, "Where are my spectacles?" or "What have you done + with the brown socks?" He is playing for time. If he can put them off for + a little more, some new crisis may occur and he will be able to say that + he is too busy to deal with them now.</p> + + <p>The Private Secretary knows this and continues to say, "Are you going + to the Lord Mayor's lunch?" The Fish-Friers' man doesn't know it, and + crawls about excitedly on the floor looking for the spectacles under the + bed. When he is well under the bed the public man tells the Private + Secretary to ring up the Bottle-Washers and the Fish-Friers and the <font + class="sc">Prime Minister</font> and arrange things somehow, and rushes + out of the room. He is hotly pursued by the valet and the hosier and the + hairdresser, but there's a taxi at the door and with any <span + class="pagenum"><a name="page509" id="page509"></a>[pg 509]</span> luck + he will now get clear away. In the hall, however, the cook meets him in + order to give notice, and by the time he has dealt with that crisis the + Private Secretary has had three wrong numbers and given it up, and the + Fish-Friers' man has bumped his head and given it up. They give chase + together and catch the public man just as he is escaping from the + front-door. The Private Secretary starts again about the Lord Mayor's + lunch, and the Fish-Friers' man starts again about the position.</p> + + <p>The public man knows now that he is done, so he drives them into the + taxi and says he will talk to them on the way to the <font + class="sc">Prime Minister</font>. The taxi dashes off, leaving the hosier + and the hairdresser and the valet wringing their hands in the hall.</p> + + <p>The only thing the public man can do now is to invent a new crisis for + the Private Secretary, who is still saying in a cold dispassionate voice, + "Are you going to the Lord Mayor's lunch?"</p> + + <p>So he thinks of one of the letters he has hidden in his dressing-gown + and tells the Private Secretary that he must have that letter for the + Bottle-Washers' meeting. Then he stops the taxi at a place where there is + no Underground and no 'bus, and pushes the Private Secretary out. He has + disposed of the Private Secretary for the day.</p> + + <p>But the Fish-Friers' man's throat is practically clear by now and he + gets to work at once. The public man pays no attention but prepares in + his mind his opening sentences to the <font class="sc">Prime + Minister</font>. In the Park he sees two other public men walking and he + takes them into the cab. Each of them has discovered some entirely new + smells and starts talking about them at once very fast. The public man + promises to go and try them all immediately. When he gets to the <font + class="sc">Prime Minister's</font> he rings up and cancels the + Fish-Friers and the Bottle-Washers. When he has done that the + Assistant-Secretary to the <font class="sc">Prime Minister's</font> + Principal Private Secretary's Secretary comes out and says that the <font + class="sc">Prime Minister</font> has been called away suddenly to + Geneva.</p> + + <p>The public man then goes off after the new smells. A dog's life.</p> + +<p class="author">A.P.H.</p> + +<hr /> + + <div class="figcenter" style="width:100%;"> + <a href="images/484.png"><img width="100%" src="images/484.png" + alt="I was goin' on the stage myself once" /></a> + <p><i>Visitor</i> (<i>to actor friend</i>). "<font class="sc">Y'know, I + was goin' on the stage myself once, but my people dine so + late</font>."</p> + </div> +<hr /> + +<h4>A Sporting Offer.</h4> + + <p>"Rabbit trapper would take so much the couple or rent them, or give so + much the couple and kill them."—<i>Scotch Paper.</i></p> + +<hr /> + +<h3>A CORNISH LULLABY.</h3> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p class="i12"><font class="sc">a.d.</font> 1760.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p class="i6">Sleep, my little ugling,</p> + <p class="i6">Daddy's gone a-smuggling,</p> + <p>Daddy's gone to Roscoff in the <i>Mevagissey Maid</i>,</p> + <p class="i6">A sloop of ninety tons</p> + <p class="i6">With ten brass-carriage guns,</p> + <p>To teach the King's ships manners and respect for honest trade.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p class="i6">Hush, my joy and sorrow,</p> + <p class="i6">Daddy'll come to-morrow</p> + <p>Bringing baccy, tea and snuff and brandy home from France;</p> + <p class="i6">And he'll run the goods ashore</p> + <p class="i6">While the old Collectors snore</p> + <p>And the wicked troopers gamble in the dens of Penzance.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p class="i6">Rock-a-bye, my honey,</p> + <p class="i6">Daddy's making money;</p> + <p>You shall be a gentleman and sail with privateers,</p> + <p class="i6">With a silver cup for sack</p> + <p class="i6">And a blue coat on your back,</p> + <p>With diamonds on your finger-bones and gold rings in your ears.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p class="i16"><font class="sc">Patlander.</font></p> + </div> + </div> + +<hr /> + +<span class="pagenum"><a name="page510" id="page510"></a>[pg 510]</span> + + <div class="figcenter" style="width:100%;"> + <a href="images/485.png"><img width="100%" src="images/485.png" + alt="That reminds me" /></a> + <i>Motorist.</i> "<font class="sc">That reminds me—I never posted + that letter</font>." + </div> +<hr /> + +<h3>POPULAR CRICKET.</h3> + + <p><font class="sc">Dear Mr. Punch</font>,—I enclose a cut from + <i>Le Radical</i>, one of the leading Mauritius papers, and on behalf of + the lovers of our national game in the island venture to ask for + information regarding the last match recorded:—</p> + + <p>"Londres, 14 mai, 4 hres <font + class="sc">p.m.</font>—Mary-le-bone a battu Nottingham par 5 + wickets; Lancashire a battu Leichester; Sussex a battu Warrick. En second + lieu un joueur du Sussex a abattu H. Wilson par 187 wickets."</p> + + <p>We are much perturbed at the strange developments that are evidently + taking place in the game at home. Was this match, we want to know, a + single-wicket game between the Sussex player and <font class="sc">H. + Wilson</font>? If so how did he beat him by 187 wickets?</p> + + <p>An ex-captain of the Cambridge eleven living here is of the opinion + that, in order to make cricket more popular, the numbers of the opposing + sides are being increased, and that this match must have been between a + team of, say, a couple of hundred Sussex players and one of a like number + captained by <font class="sc">H. Wilson</font>, and that only some dozen + wickets had fallen in the second innings when the match ended. If this is + the correct interpretation we should be very grateful for the rules, plan + of the field, etc., as we are most anxious to move with the times in this + little outpost of Empire.</p> + + <p>I fear however that we shall have some difficulty here in raising two + teams of more than a hundred-a-side.</p> + + <p>We presume that, as a match of eleven-a-side takes two or three days + to finish, about six or eight weeks are allotted to this new game.</p> + + <p>Any help that you can give us, Sir, will be much appreciated.</p> + +<p class="center">Yours faithfully,</p> + +<p class="author">M.C.C.</p> + +<hr /> + +<h3>FROM THE FILM WORLD.</h3> + + <p>As an interesting supplement to the announcement that Sir <font + class="sc">Thomas Lipton</font> has kindly placed his bungalows and + estates in Ceylon at the disposal of the East and West Films, Limited, + for the filming of The Life of <font class="sc">Buddha</font>, we are + glad to learn that preparations are already well advanced for the + presentation of the Life of <font class="sc">Hannibal</font> on the + screen.</p> + + <p>Messrs. Sowerly and Bitterton, the well-known vinegar manufacturers, + have undertaken to provide the necessary plant for illustration of the + famous exploit of splitting the rocks with that disintegrating condiment, + and Messrs. Rappin and Jebb, the famous cutlers, have been approached + with a view to furnish the necessary implements for the portrayal of the + tragedy of the Caudine Forks. Professor Chollop, who is superintending + the taking of the pictures of the battle of Cannæ and the subsequent + period of repose at Capua in their proper atmosphere, states that he is + receiving every support from the local condottieri, pifferari, banditti + and lazzaroni, and expects to be able to complete his task by the late + autumn.</p> + + <p>A certain amount of antagonism, on humanitarian grounds, has been + shown by the Italian Government to the importation of a herd of + elephants, which were essential to the realistic depiction of the passage + of the Alps by the Carthaginian army; but it is hoped that by the use of + skis the transit may be effected without undue casualties among the + elephantine fraternity.</p> + + <p>Lord <font class="sc">Fisher</font> has been invited to impersonate + <font class="sc">Scipio</font>, and the <i>rôle</i> of <font + class="sc">Fabius</font>, the originator of the "Wait and See" policy, + has been offered to Mr. <font class="sc">Asquith</font>, but authentic + details are as yet lacking as to their decision.</p> + +<hr /> + +<span class="pagenum"><a name="page511" id="page511"></a>[pg 511]</span> + + <div class="figcenter" style="width:100%;"> + <a href="images/486.png"><img width="100%" src="images/486.png" + alt="THE BLAMELESS ACCOMPLICE." /></a> + <h3>THE BLAMELESS ACCOMPLICE.</h3> + + <p><font class="sc">Irish Railwayman</font> (<i>to Sinn Fein + Assassin</i>). "YOU'LL BE ALL RIGHT. DETESTING MURDER, AS MR. THOMAS + SAYS I DO, I'VE TAKEN CARE THAT THAT FELLOW SHOULD HAVE NO + AMMUNITION."</p> + + <p>["The Irish members of the N.U.R. expressed publicly their feeling + of disgust at murder and outrage."—<i>Mr. J.H. <font + class="sc">Thomas</font>.</i>]</p> + </div> +<hr /> + +<span class="pagenum"><a name="page512" id="page512"></a>[pg 512]</span> + +<h2>ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT.</h2> + + <p><i>Monday, June 21st.</i>—While the <font class="sc">Prime + Minister</font> was celebrating the longest—and pretty nearly the + hottest—day by a <i>vin d'honneur</i> at Boulogne Mr. <font + class="sc">Bonar Law</font> had to content himself with small beer in the + Commons.</p> + + <p>The Government, it seems, is to offer its services to effect a + peaceful settlement between the Imam <font class="sc">Yahya</font> and + the Said <font class="sc">Idrissi</font>, who are rival rulers in Arabia. + There is believed to be a possibility that in return the said Said will + offer his services to effect a peaceful settlement in Hibernia + Infelix.</p> + + <p>The Government is not so indifferent to economy as is sometimes + suggested. The <font class="sc">Prime Minister's</font> famous letter to + the Departments was only written in August last, yet already, Mr. <font + class="sc">Bonar Law</font> assured the House, some progress has been + made in reducing redundant staffs, and the Government has + appointed—no, I beg pardon, "decided to appoint"—independent + Committees to carry out investigations. The hustlers!</p> + + <div class="figright" style="width:50%;"> + <a href="images/487-1.png"><img width="100%" src="images/487-1.png" + alt="Do you expect me to send the Sergeant-at-Arms" /></a> + <p><font class="sc">Do you expect me to send the Sergeant-at-Arms to + fetch the Minister of Transport?</font>—<i>The <font + class="sc">Speaker.</font></i></p> + </div> + <p>The Member for Wood Green, who urged that the Treasury should prepare + an estimate of the national income, with the view of limiting the + national expenditure to a definite proportion of that amount, displayed, + it seems to me, amazing temerity. The course of taxation in recent years + encourages the belief that the only thing that restrains the <font + class="sc">Chancellor of the Exchequer</font> from taking our little all + is that he does not know how much it is.</p> + + <p>Capt. <font class="sc">Wedgewood Benn's</font> complaint that the + <font class="sc">Minister of Transport</font> habitually absented himself + from the House met with little encouragement from the <font + class="sc">Speaker</font>, who sarcastically inquired if he should send + the <font class="sc">Serjeant-at-Arms</font> to fetch the delinquent. + Capt. <font class="sc">Benn</font> then dropped the subject, and Sir + <font class="sc">Colin Keppel</font> looked relieved.</p> + + <p>The Government insisted on taking the Report stage and Third Reading + of the Rent (Restrictions) Bill at one sitting, and kept the House up + till half-past three in order to do it. Dr. <font + class="sc">Addison</font> had need of what the <font class="sc">Iron + Duke</font> called "two o'clock in the morning courage" to ward off + attacks. Once, when Sir <font class="sc">Arthur Fell</font> was depicting + the desperate plight of the landladies of Yarmouth, forbidden under a + penalty of a hundred pounds to charge more than twenty-five per cent. in + excess of their pre-war prices, it looked as if the Minister must give + way; but with some difficulty he convinced his critics that the clause in + question had nothing to do with seaside landladies.</p> + + <p><i>Tuesday, June 22nd.</i>—In the Lords the Bishops, reinforced + by the ecclesiastically-minded lay Peers, made a last attempt to throw + out the Matrimonial Causes Bill. Lord <font class="sc">Braye</font> moved + its rejection, and was supported by Lord <font class="sc">Halifax</font> + in a speech whose pathos was even stronger than its argument, and by the + Archbishop of <font class="sc">Canterbury</font>, who admitted that + reform of the marriage laws was required, but considered that the Bill + went a great deal further than was necessary. The <font class="sc">Lord + Chancellor</font> thereupon re-stated the case for the measure, for which + be believed the Government were prepared to give facilities in the other + House, and Lord <font class="sc">Buckmaster</font> repeated his exegesis + of the vexed passage in St. <font class="sc">Matthew's</font> Gospel, on + which the whole theological controversy turns. The Third Reading was + carried by 154 votes to 107.</p> + + <div class="figright" style="width:33%;"> + <a href="images/488-2.png"><img width="100%" src="images/488-2.png" + alt="Mr. Denis Henry, Attorney-General for Ireland" /></a> + <p class="center"><i>MENS ÆQUA REBUS IN ARDUIS.</i></p> + + <p class="center"><font class="sc">Mr. Denis Henry on the Irish + situation.</font></p> + </div> + <p>The Commons in the course of the Irish Debate discussed the failure of + the Government to prevent the regrettable incidents in Derry and Dublin. + Colonel <font class="sc">Ashley</font> demanded martial law; Major <font + class="sc">O'Neill</font> was for organising the loyal population; Sir + <font class="sc">Keith Fraser</font> approved both courses and advanced + the amazing proposition that the trouble in Ireland was entirely due to + the religious question, and that even the Sinn Feiners were loyal to the + Empire.</p> + + <p>The <font class="sc">Attorney-General for Ireland</font> pointed out + that faction-fighting in Derry was endemic, and drew an amusing picture + of the old city, where everyone had some kind of rabbit-hole from which + he could emerge to fire a revolver. As regards the general question he + denied that the Constabulary had been instructed not to shoot. On the + contrary they had been told to treat attackers as "enemies in the field," + and to call upon suspected persons to hold up their hands.</p> + + <p>Lord <font class="sc">Robert Cecil</font> was at a loss to understand + the Government that applied coercion to the very people to whom it was + preparing to hand over the government of Southern Ireland, and Mr. <font + class="sc">Inskip</font> was equally at a loss to understand the policy + of the noble lord, who <span class="pagenum"><a name="page513" + id="page513"></a>[pg 513]</span> seemed to think that conciliation was + incompatible with putting down crime.</p> + + <p><i>Wednesday, June 23rd.</i>—A large company, including the + <font class="sc">Queen</font> and Princess <font class="sc">Mary</font>, + attended the House of Lords to see Prince <font class="sc">Albert</font> + take his seat as Duke of <font class="sc">York</font>. It was unfortunate + that the new peer was unable to wait for the ensuing debate, for Lord + <font class="sc">Newton</font> was in his best form. His theme was the + absurdity of the present Parliamentary arrangement under which the Peers + were kept kicking their heels in London for the best months of the year, + then overwhelmed with business for a week or two, and finally despatched + to the country in time for the hunting season, which nowadays most of + them were too much impoverished to enjoy. Lord <font + class="sc">Curzon</font> condescended a little from his usual Olympian + heights, and declared that one of the drawbacks to conducting business in + that House was the difficulty of inducing noble Lords to attend it after + dinner.</p> + + <div class="figright" style="width:50%;"> + <a href="images/487-2.png"><img width="100%" src="images/487-2.png" + alt="THE YOUNG UNIONIST MOVEMENT." /></a> + <p class="center">THE YOUNG UNIONIST MOVEMENT.</p> + + <p>"<font class="sc">If they were to have Home Rule at all they must + 'go the whole hog.</font>'"—<i>Mr. <font class="sc">Ormsby + Gore.</font></i></p> + </div> + <p>To judge by Mr. <font class="sc">Asquith's</font> recent speeches + outside he meant to have delivered a thundering philippic against our + continued occupation of Mesopotamia. Some of the sting was taken out of + the indictment by the publication of an official statement showing that + Great Britain was remaining there at the request of the Allies. After + all, as Mr. <font class="sc">Lloyd George</font> observed in his reply, + it would not be an economical policy to withdraw to Basra if we were to + be immediately requested to return to Baghdad.</p> + + <p>The rest of the evening was devoted to a renewal of the protests + against Mr. <font class="sc">Churchill's</font> "Red Army." Among the + critics were Mr. <font class="sc">Esmond Harmsworth</font> and Mr. <font + class="sc">Oswald Mosley</font>, the two "babies" of the House, and the + <font class="sc">Minister</font> adopted quite a fatherly tone in + recalling his own callow youth, when he too, just after the Boer War, + denounced "the folly of gaudy and tinselled uniforms."</p> + + <p><i>Thursday, June 24th.</i>—On behalf of the Government Lord + <font class="sc">Onslow</font> gave a rather chilly welcome to Lord <font + class="sc">Balfour of Burleigh's</font> Bill for the regulation of + advertisements. It is true that the noble author had explained that his + object was to secure "publicity without offence," but I believe he had no + desire to cramp the <font class="sc">Prime Minister's</font> style.</p> + + <p>Sir <font class="sc">Eric Geddes</font> belongs to that wicked species + of <i>fauna</i> that defends itself when attacked. He complained this + afternoon that Mr. <font class="sc">Asquith</font> had in his recent + speeches "trounced a beginner," but Sir <font class="sc">Eric</font> + showed, for a novice, considerable aggressive power. He claimed that the + Ministry of Transport had already saved a cool million by securing the + abrogation of an extravagant contract entered into by Mr. <font + class="sc">Asquith's</font> Government. The <font class="sc">ex + Premier</font>, however, insisted that if a mistake had been made the + Railway Department of the Board of Trade could have corrected it just as + well as its grandiose successor and at an infinitely smaller cost.</p> + +<br clear="all" /> + +<hr /> + + <div class="figcenter" style="width:100%;"> + <a href="images/488-1.png"><img width="100%" src="images/488-1.png" + alt="Dond you know der rule of der river?" /></a> + <div class="i16"> + <p><i>Naturalised Alien.</i> "<font class="sc">Vy dond you ged oud of + my vay? Dond you know der rule of der river?</font>"</p> + + <p><i>Bargeman.</i> "<font class="sc">Which? The Rhine?</font>"</p> + </div> + </div> +<hr /> + +<span class="pagenum"><a name="page514" id="page514"></a>[pg 514]</span> + +<h3>THE NEW COURTIERSHIP.</h3> + + <blockquote> + <p>(<i>With profound acknowledgment to the writer of the article on + "Heroine Worship" in "The Times" of June 24th.</i>)</p> + + </blockquote> + <p>While thrones and dynasties have rocked or fallen in the great world + upheaval of the last six years, there remains one form of monarchy which + has proved impervious to all the shocks of circumstance—the + monarchy of genius. If proof be demanded of this assertion we need only + point to the wonderful manifestations of loyalty evoked in the last week + by the advent of the Queen of the Film World and her admirable consort. + The adoration of <font class="sc">Mary Pickford</font> has been compared + with that of <font class="sc">Mary Queen of Scots</font>, and not without + some show of reason, for the appeal which her acting, makes is always to + the sense of chivalry which, in however sentimental a form, is + characteristic of our race.</p> + + <p>But the noble adulation which the latest of our royal visitors + inspires is deeper and more universal than that prompted by the charm and + the misfortunes of her namesake. <font class="sc">Mary Queen of + Scots</font>, as the evidence of contemporary portraits conclusively + establishes, was not conspicuous for her personal beauty. In the "Queen + business" she was a failure, and her prestige is largely if not entirely + posthumous. Her character has been impugned by historians; even her most + faithful champions have not pronounced her impeccable.</p> + + <p>Centuries were necessary to raise <font class="sc">Mary Queen of + Scots</font> to her somewhat insecure pinnacle of devotion; by the + alchemy of a machine centuries have been shortened to days and nights in + the meteoric career of Miss <font class="sc">Pickford</font>. Yet merit + has joined fortune in high cabal. Handicapped by a somewhat uneuphonious + patronymic, <font class="sc">Mary Pickford</font> has established her + rule without recourse to any of the disputable methods adopted by her + predecessor. At home in all the "palaces" of both hemispheres, she owes + her triumphs to the triple endowment of genius, loveliness and + gentleness. Moreover, in the highest sense she is truly an ambassadress + of our race, for the kiss which she so graciously bestowed on Mlle. <font + class="sc">Suzanne Lenglen</font> at Wimbledon on Wednesday last has + probably done even more to heal the wounds inflicted on our gallant + Allies by the disastrous policy of Mr. <font class="sc">Lloyd + George</font> than the heroic efforts of <i>The Times</i> to maintain the + Entente in its integrity.</p> + + <p>The parallels and contrasts with <font class="sc">Mary Queen of + Scots</font> need not be further laboured. But far too little stress has + been laid on the rare felicity of a union which links the name of Mary + with that of Douglas. The annals of British chivalry contain no more + romantic or splendid entries than those associated with Sir <font + class="sc">James Douglas</font>, alternately styled the "Good" and the + "Black," hero of seventy battles and the victor in fifty-seven, peerless + as a raider, who crowned a glorious career by his mission to Palestine + with the embalmed heart of <font class="sc">Bruce</font>, and his death + in action against the Moors. His illustrious namesake is now conducting a + "raid" on our shores of a purely educational and humanitarian nature, and + our welcome, while it expresses the rare and momentous influence of the + film, is no mere gratitude for pleasure afforded; it is rather the + recognition of a human touch tending to make the whole English-speaking + world kin.</p> + + <p>The visit is not unattended by risks, for the ardour of enthusiasm + imposes a corresponding strain on the endurance of this august and + inimitable pair. But there can be no doubt as to the absolute sincerity + and spontaneity of these marvellous demonstrations of loyal affection. We + can only hope that, to borrow the noble phrase of the Roman Senate in + their address to <font class="sc">Nero</font> on the death of <font + class="sc">Agrippina</font>, Queen <font class="sc">Pickford</font> the + First may "endure her felicity with fortitude." Conspicuous grandeur has + its penalties as well as its privileges, but the chivalric instinct is + still alive in our midst; and all of us who are not perverted or debased + by the malign "wizardry" of the <font class="sc">Prime Minister</font> + will spring to the defence of <font class="sc">Mary</font> "the + Sweetheart of the World," and <font class="sc">Douglas</font> "tender and + true," in their hours of peril. In that high emprise the gentlemen of the + world, however humble, stand, as of old time, side by side and shoulder + to shoulder.</p> + +<hr /> + + <div class="figcenter" style="width:100%;"> + <a href="images/489.png"><img width="100%" src="images/489.png" + alt="THE IRRESISTIBLE MEETS THE IMMOVABLE." /></a> + <p class="center">THE IRRESISTIBLE MEETS THE IMMOVABLE.</p> + + <p class="center"><font class="sc">Scene</font>: <i>Exclusive West-End + Square, with passing procession of "Reds."</i></p> + + <p><i>The Flag-bearer.</i> "<font class="sc">Comrade, the Revolution is + 'ere!</font>"</p> + + <p><i>The Complete Butler.</i> "<font class="sc">Ar! Will you kindly + deliver it at the harea hentrance?</font>"</p> + </div> +<hr /> + +<h3>THE BATTLE OF THE MOTHERS.</h3> + + <p>We were sitting in the smoking-room when the Venerable Archdeacon + entered. He had been so long absent that we asked him the reason.</p> + + <p>Had he been ill?</p> + + <p>Ill? Not he. He never was better in his life. He had merely been on a + motor tour with his mother.</p> + + <p>"Do you mean to say," someone inquired—an equally elderly + member—almost with anger, certainly with a kind of outraged + surprise, "that you have a mother still living?"</p> + + <p>"Of course I have," said the Man of God. "My mother is not only living + but is in the pink of condition."</p> + + <p>"And how old is she?" the questioner continued.</p> + + <p>"She is ninety-one," said the Archdeacon proudly.</p> + + <p>Most of us looked at him with wonder and respect—even a touch of + awe.</p> + + <p>"And still motoring!" I commented.</p> + + <p>"She delights in motoring."</p> + + <p>"Well," said the angry man, "you needn't be so conceited about it. You + are not the only person with an aged mother. I have a mother too."</p> + + <p>We switched round to this new centre of surprise. It was more + incredible that this man should have a mother even than the Archdeacon. + No one had ever suspected him of anything so extreme, for he had a long + white beard and hobbled with a stick.</p> + + <p>"And how old may your mother be?" the Archdeacon inquired.</p> + + <p>"My mother is ninety-two."</p> + + <p>"And is she well and hearty?"</p> + + <p>"My mother," he replied, "is in rude health—or, as you would + say, full of beans." <span class="pagenum"><a name="page515" + id="page515"></a>[pg 515]</span></p> + + <p>The Archdeacon made a deprecatory movement, repudiating the + metaphor.</p> + + <p>"She not only motors," the layman pursued, "but she can walk. Can your + mother walk?"</p> + + <p>"I am sorry to say," said the Archdeacon, "that my mother has to be + helped a good deal."</p> + + <p>"Ha!" said the layman.</p> + + <p>"But," the Archdeacon continued, "she has all her other faculties. Can + your mother still read?"</p> + + <p>"My mother is a most accomplished and assiduous knitter," said the + bearded man.</p> + + <p>"No doubt, no doubt," the Archdeacon agreed; "but my question was, Can + she still read?"</p> + + <p>"With glasses—yes," said the other.</p> + + <p>"Ha!" exclaimed the Archdeacon, "I thought so. Now my dear mother can + still read the smallest print without glasses."</p> + + <p>We murmured our approval.</p> + + <p>"And more," the Archdeacon went on, "she can thread her own + needle."</p> + + <p>We approved again.</p> + + <p>"That's all very well," said the other, "but sight is not everything. + Can your mother hear?"</p> + + <p>"She can hear all that I say to her," replied the Archdeacon.</p> + + <p>"Ah! but you probably raise your voice, and she is accustomed to it. + Could she hear a stranger? Could she hear me?"</p> + + <p>Remembering the tone of some of his after-lunch conversations I + suggested that perhaps it would be well if on occasions she could not. He + glowered down such frivolousness and proceeded with his + cross-examination. "Are you trying to assure us that your mother is not + in the least bit deaf?"</p> + + <p>"Well," the Archdeacon conceded, "I could not go so far as to say that + her hearing is still perfect."</p> + + <p>The layman smiled his satisfaction. "In other words," he said, "she + uses a trumpet?"</p> + + <p>The Archdeacon was silent.</p> + + <p>"She uses a trumpet, Sir? Admit it."</p> + + <p>"Now and then," said the Archdeacon, "my dear mother has recourse to + that aid."</p> + + <p>"I knew it!" exclaimed the other. "My mother can hear every word. She + goes to the theatre too. Now your mother would have to go to the cinema + if she wished to be entertained."</p> + + <p>"My mother," said the Archdeacon, "would not be interested in the + cinema" (he pronounced it ki-nēma); "her mind is of a more serious + turn."</p> + + <p>"My mother is young enough to be interested in anything," said the + other. "And there is not one of her thirty-eight grandchildren of whose + progress she is not kept closely informed."</p> + + <p>He leaned back with a gesture of triumph.</p> + + <p>"How many grandchildren did you say?" the Archdeacon inquired. "I + didn't quite catch."</p> + + <p>"Thirty-eight," the other man replied.</p> + + <p>Across the cleric's ascetic features a happy smile slowly and + conqueringly spread. "My mother," he said, "has fifty-two grandchildren. + And now," he turned to me, "which of us would you say has won this + entertaining contest?"</p> + + <p>"I should not like to decide," I said. "I am—fortunately perhaps + for your mothers—no Solomon. My verdict is that both of you are + wonderfully lucky men."</p> + +<p class="author">E.V.L.</p> + +<hr /> + + <div class="figcenter" style="width:100%;"> + <a href="images/490.png"><img width="100%" src="images/490.png" + alt="and how are you?" /></a> + <p><i>Valetudinarian.</i> "<font class="sc">I've got cirrhosis of the + liver, an incipient carbuncle on my neck, inflammation of the duodenum, + septic sore throat and general prostration.</font>"</p> + + <p><i>Sympathetic Friend.</i> "<font class="sc">Well, and how are + you?</font>"</p> + </div> +<hr /> + +<h4>A Knowing Old Bird.</h4> + + <blockquote> + <p>"Grey African Parrot ... every question fully answered; £10 or + offers."—<i>Weekly Paper.</i></p> + + </blockquote> +<hr /> + +<span class="pagenum"><a name="page516" id="page516"></a>[pg 516]</span> + +<h2>OUR BOOKING-OFFICE.</h2> + +<p class="center">(<i>By Mr. Punch's Staff of Learned Clerks.</i>)</p> + + <p>We have had to wait four years for the concluding volumes of <i>The + Life of Benjamin Disraeli</i> (<font class="sc">Murray</font>), but, as + the engaged couple said of the tunnel, "it was worth it," for in the + interval Mr. <font class="sc">Buckle</font> has been able to enrich his + work with a wealth of new material. This includes <font + class="sc">Disraeli's</font> correspondence with <font class="sc">Queen + Victoria</font> during his two Premierships, and the still more + remarkable letters that he wrote to the two favoured sisters, <font + class="sc">Anne</font>, Lady <font class="sc">Chesterfield</font>, and + <font class="sc">Selina</font>, Lady <font class="sc">Bradford</font>, + during the last eight years of his life. To one or other of them he wrote + almost every day, and from the sixteen hundred letters that have been + preserved Mr. <font class="sc">Buckle</font> has selected with happy + discretion a multitude of passages which throw a vivid light upon the + political events of the time and upon <font class="sc">Disraeli's</font> + own character. Whereas the first four volumes of the biography might be + likened to a good sound Burgundy, thanks to these letters the last two + sparkle and stimulate like a vintage champagne. As we read them we seem + to be present at the scenes described, to overhear the discussions at the + Cabinet, to catch a glimpse of the actors <i>en déshabillé</i>. Mr. <font + class="sc">Buckle</font> says that "Disraeli, from first to last, + regarded his life as a brightly tinted romance, with himself as hero." In + one of his letters to Lady <font class="sc">Bradford</font> he says, "I + live for Power and the Affections." A poseur, no doubt, he was, but not a + charlatan. His industry was amazing and his insight almost uncanny. "I + know not why Japan should not become the Sardinia of the Mongolian East," + he writes in 1875. To the political student these Volumes will be almost + as fruitful a field as <font class="sc">Burke</font>; for myself, I have + found them more fascinating than any novel.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + + <p>It seams a great pity that Mr. <font class="sc">Kipling's</font> + <i>Letters of Travel</i> (<font class="sc">Macmillan</font>) contains + nothing later than 1913. It would have been particularly interesting to + see how far the events of the great tragedy might have modified or + aggravated his scorn against those who do not see eye to eye with him. In + the pre-war <font class="sc">Kipling</font>, as we have him here, + "Labour" is always the enemy, "Democracy" the hypocritical cant of cranks + and slackers. What do they know of England who only <font + class="sc">Kipling</font> know? Well, they know one side of it, and a + fine side. The first sheaf of letters—"From Tideway to Tideway + (1892)"—describes a tour through America and Canada, with a rather + too obvious bias against the habits and institutions of the former, but + with so eloquent a presentation of the dream and fact of imperial + pioneering service that it might draw even from a Little Englander, + "Almost thou persuadest me!" "Letters to the Family" deals with the + Canada of 1907, a very different entity from the Canada of to-day after + the later Imperial Conferences and five years' trial of war, but none the + less interesting to hear about. A voyage in 1913, undertaken "for no + other reason but to discover the sun," is the begetter of the third + group, "Egypt and the Egyptians," the first letter of which will not, I + imagine, be reprinted and framed by the P. and O. Brilliant word-pictures + of things seen, thumbnail sketches of odd characters, clever records of + remembered speech, intelligent comment from a well-defined point of + view—these you will have expected, and will get.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + + <p>Lady <font class="sc">Dorothy Mills</font>, who has already made some + success as a holder of the mirror up to a certain section of ultra-smart + society, continues this benevolent work in her new novel, <i>The Laughter + of Fools</i> (<font class="sc">Duckworth</font>). It is a clever tale, + almost horridly well told, about the war-time behaviour of the rottenest + idle-rich element, in the disorganised and hectic London of 1917-18. + Perhaps the observation is superficial; but, just so far as it pretends + to go, Lady <font class="sc">Dorothy's</font> method does undoubtedly get + home. Her heroine, <i>Louise</i>, is a detestable little egoist, whose + vanity and entire lack of <i>moral</i> render her an easy victim to the + vampire crowd into which she drifts. The "sensation" scenes, night club + orgies, dope parties and the like will probably bring the book a boom of + curiosity; but there are not wanting signs, in the author's easy unforced + method, that with a larger theme she may one day write a considerably + bigger book. <i>The Laughter of Fools</i>, one may say, ends tragically; + <i>Louise</i>, after exhausting all her other activities, being left + about to join a nursing expedition to Northern Russia. Which, judging by + previous revelations of her general incompetence, is where the tragedy + comes in—for the prospective patients. A moral rather carefully + unmoralised is how I should sum up an unpleasant but shrewdly written + tale.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + + <p>To <i>The Diary of a U-Boat Commander</i> (<font + class="sc">Hutchinson</font>) "<font class="sc">Etienne</font>" adds an + introduction and some explanatory notes. In one of these notes we are + told that the Diary was left in a locker when the Commander handed over + his boat to the British. We are all at liberty to form any opinion we + like on the use made of this Diary and I am not going to reveal mine. + For, after all, it is the book itself—however produced—that + matters, and even those of us who are getting a little shy of literature + connected with the War will find something original and intriguing in + this Diary. With what seems to me unnecessary frankness the publisher + refers to the Commander's "incredible exploits and adventures on the high + seas." For my own part my powers of belief in regard to the War are + almost unlimited, and the only thing that really staggers me here is the + mentality of the diarist. From the record of his purely private life, + which is also exposed in these pages, I gather that he was as unfortunate + in love as in war; but he seems to have loved with a whole-hearted + passion that goes far to redeem him. I must add a word of praise for Mr. + <font class="sc">Frank Mason's</font> illustrations, which contributed + generously to my entertainment.</p> + +<hr /> + + <div class="figcenter" style="width:50%;"> + <a href="images/491.png"><img width="100%" src="images/491.png" + alt="Life is very dull, my dear Rox." /></a> + <p><i>Alexander</i> (<i>bored</i>). "<font class="sc">Life is very + dull, my dear Rox. No more worlds to—"</font></p> + + <p><i>Roxana.</i> "<font class="sc">Oh, nonsense, Alec! There's always + something to do. I wish you'd go into the kitchen and discharge that + Cappadocian cook. She drinks.</font>"</p> + </div> +<hr /> + +<span class="pagenum"><a name="page517" id="page517"></a>[pg 517]</span> + + <div class="figcenter" style="width:100%;"> + <a href="images/492.png"><img width="100%" src="images/492.png" + alt="Epilogue" /></a> + </div> +<h2>AN OPEN LETTER TO FRANCE.</h2> + + <p>Mr. Punch had kissed the lady's hand and she had smiled upon him very + graciously, for they were old friends.</p> + + <p>"I have brought you a letter from myself," he said.</p> + + <p>"Shall I read it while you wait?" said Madame la France.</p> + + <p>"Please, no. I never read my contributors' compositions in their + presence. It is embarrassing to both sides. And I want you to take your + time over this one, and consider carefully whether it is suitable for + publication in your Press. I have enclosed a stamped and addressed + envelope, to be utilized in the event of your deciding to return my + communication with regrets. In any case I propose to publish it in my own + paper, <i>The London Charivari</i>."</p> + +<p class="center">[<i>Here begins the letter</i>:—</p> + + <p>"<font class="sc">Nearest and Dearest of Allies</font>.—You and + I (I speak for my country, though I have not been asked to do so) have + gone through so much together that it would be an infinite pity if any + misunderstanding were suffered to cloud our friendship for want of a + little candour on my part. No <i>Entente</i> can retain its cordiality + without mutual candour; and hitherto the reticence has been all on our + side.</p> + + <p>"Not when your splendid courage and your noble sacrifices gave us a + theme; then we were always frankly loud in our admiration; but when we + reflected upon what I may venture to call your faults and failings. + Whatever we may have thought about them during all those terrible years, + you will find in our public statements no note of criticism and not a + single word that did not breathe a true loyalty. You too were generous in + your praise of us when we won battles; and at the end, with your own + <font class="sc">Foch</font> for witness, you were quick to recognise + what part we played in those great Autumn days that brought the crowning + victory. But it almost looks as if your memory of our brotherhood in arms + were beginning to fail; as if we, who were then hailed as your 'glorious + Ally,' were about to resume our old name—it has already been + revived in some quarters—of 'Perfide Albion.'</p> + + <p>"Oh, I know that the best of France is loyal to us; that her true + chivalry understands. But what of your public that is all ear for the + so-called <i>Echo de Paris</i>, with its constant incitement to jealousy + and suspicion of England? What of your second-rate Press and its + pin-pricking policy, connived at, if not actually encouraged, by your + Government?</p> + + <p>"Of course I recognise that you never really liked the idea of all + those British soldiers making themselves at home in your country, though + they did it as nicely as it could be done, and made hosts of friends in + the process. I can believe that we should not have been too well pleased + at having a like number of French troops established between Dover and + London. I don't say we should have charged you rent for every yard of + their <span class="pagenum"><a name="page518" id="page518"></a>[pg + 518]</span> trenches or claimed heavy damages for any injury they might + have done to our roads in the course of defending the Metropolis from our + common enemy. But we certainly should not have been depressed when we + found that they needn't stay any longer. Still I hope we should have + registered on the tablets of our hearts a permanent record indicating + that we appreciated their friendliness in coming to our support.</p> + + <p>"But I am told that the secret of the present attitude of our French + critics is that they cannot forgive us for having used the soil of France + in order to defend our own. Is this quite fair or even decent? Let me + refresh their memory of the motive that brought us into this War. The + true motive was not to be found in the duty imposed upon us by Germany's + breach of the Belgian Treaty, though that in itself furnished us with an + unanswerable reason. The true motive was our desire to help you. We had + nothing in those days to fear for ourselves. We knew that our Fleet was + strong enough to protect our own shores. We had not yet appreciated the + submarine menace; we did not recognise what your loss of the Channel + ports might mean for us. We entered the War because we could not look on + and see you overwhelmed.</p> + + <p>"You complain, again, that, in contrast to yourselves, we have got all + we wanted out of the War. As a fact we wanted nothing; but let that pass. + You point to the destruction of the German Fleet as if it were a private + gain for us and us alone, and not the removal of a danger to the whole + world. And what of the German armies—now in process of reduction to + a mere police force? Did you derive no advantage from the overthrow of a + system which was always a greater menace to you than the German Fleet + ever was to us? And, though we did not pretend to be a military nation, + had we not some little share in that achievement?</p> + + <p>"And what of your <i>revanche</i>? How do the German Colonies, which + we have freed and now hold in trust—how do these compare with your + solid recovery of Alsace-Lorraine? No, you have not come badly out of + Armageddon.</p> + + <p>"Oh, you have suffered, that we know; you have suffered even more than + we, who at least were spared the ravaging of our lands. And never for a + moment do we forget this. But you too must not forget that where the soil + of France suffered most there thickest lie our English dead, who fought + for England's freedom, yes, but for your freedom too. And it is we who + stand by you still, pledged to be once more at your side if the same + peril ever come again; though America, for whom nothing was once too + good, should fail you in your need.</p> + + <p>"There, I have said what I wanted to say; what your best friends here + have been thinking this many a day. For your best friends are not, as you + might imagine, to be found in a certain section of our Press who for + their own political or private ends are prepared to encourage all your + suspicions if so they may injure the good name of our statesmen who meet + you in council for the common cause. Your best friends are the men who + deplore those suspicions; who beg you, as I do here, to get them swept + away as being unworthy of a great nation and a great alliance.</p> + +<p class="center">"For this end, Believe me, dear Madame, to be at your service as always,</p> + +<h2>"PUNCH."</h2> + +<p class="center"><i>Here ends the letter.</i>]</p> + + <p>"And now, dear lady," said Mr. Punch, "let me say that, if there is + anything in this letter which seems—but only on the + surface—to be inconsistent with my profound devotion to your + person, it is the first word of the kind that I have put on paper since + our friendship began. All through the War and the hardly less trying + times of Peace that have followed it I have not once swerved from my + loyalty to you. Accept, I beg of you, the renewed assurance of my + affection the most sincere, and, for token, this latest of a series in + which you will find many proofs of the love I bear you—my</p> + +<h2>One Hundred and Fifty-Eighth Volume."</h2> + + <div class="figcenter" style="width:100%;"> + <a href="images/493.png"><img width="100%" src="images/493.png" + alt="Accept this token" /></a> + </div> +<hr /> + +<span class="pagenum"><a name="page519" id="page519"></a>[pg 519]</span> + + <div class="figcenter" style="width:100%;"> + <a href="images/494.png"><img width="100%" src="images/494.png" + alt="Index" /></a> + </div> +<h3>Cartoons.</h3> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p><font class="sc">Partridge, Bernard</font></p> + <p class="i2">Air-Craftiness, 471</p> + <p class="i2">Another Reservation, 111</p> + <p class="i2">Blameless Accomplice (The), 511</p> + <p class="i2">Dark Horse (A), 431</p> + <p class="i2">Exit the Ministering Angel, 371</p> + <p class="i2">Forgotten Cause (The), 211</p> + <p class="i2">Great Improviser (The), 451</p> + <p class="i2">His First Patient, 491</p> + <p class="i2">Homage from the Brave, 391</p> + <p class="i2">Hope of the World (The), 271</p> + <p class="i2">In a Cushy Cause, 331</p> + <p class="i2">International Eurhythmics, 151</p> + <p class="i2">Kindest Cut of All (The), 191</p> + <p class="i2">Levy on Patriotism (A), 291</p> + <p class="i2">Limit—and Beyond (The), 411</p> + <p class="i2">Occasional Comrades, 251</p> + <p class="i2">Reckoning (The), 351</p> + <p class="i2">Restoring the Balance, 311</p> + <p class="i2">Return of the ex-Champion (The), 171</p> + <p class="i2">Rouge Gagne, 71</p> + <p class="i2">Test of Sagacity (A), 131</p> + <p class="i2">Unpopular Revival (An), 231</p> + <p class="i2">Woman of Some Importance (A), 91</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p><font class="sc">Raven-Hill, L.</font></p> + <p class="i2">Conscientious Burglar (The), 103</p> + <p class="i2">Converted Spirit (A), 183</p> + <p class="i2">Dachswolf (The), 243</p> + <p class="i2">Direct Reaction, 463</p> + <p class="i2">Disturber of the Peace (A), 323</p> + <p class="i2">Downing Street Melodrama (A), 83</p> + <p class="i2">Elusive Pest (The), 163</p> + <p class="i2">Even-handed Justice, 51</p> + <p class="i2">Expert Opinion, 363</p> + <p class="i2">From Triumph to Triumph, 343</p> + <p class="i2">Heir-Presumptive (The), 31</p> + <p class="i2">His Own Business, 403</p> + <p class="i2">Irremovables (The), 143</p> + <p class="i2">Lovers' Quarrels, 303</p> + <p class="i2">Midsummer Nightmare (A), 483</p> + <p class="i2">More Haste—Less Meat, 443</p> + <p class="i2">New Coalition (The), 123</p> + <p class="i2">Paradise Lost Again?, 503</p> + <p class="i2">Popular Reappearance (A), 63</p> + <p class="i2">Reluctant Thruster (The), 383</p> + <p class="i2">St. Patrick's Day Dream (A), 203</p> + <p class="i2">Sounding the "All Clear", 11</p> + <p class="i2">What's in a Name?, 223</p> + <p class="i2">Withdrawal from Moscow (The), 283</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p><font class="sc">Reynold, Frank</font></p> + <p class="i2">"Positively Last" Appearance (A), 3</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p><font class="sc">Townsend, F.H.</font></p> + <p class="i2">Another Turkish Concession, 23</p> + <p class="i2">Envoys Extraordinary, 423</p> + <p class="i2">"Oliver 'Asks' for More", 263</p> + <p class="i2">"Wanted", 43</p> + </div> + </div> + +<h3>Articles.</h3> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p><font class="sc">Anderson, Miss E.V.M.</font></p> + <p class="i2">Tragedy of an Author's Wife, 66</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p><font class="sc">Atkey, Bertram</font></p> + <p class="i2">Best of Things (The), 94</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p><font class="sc">Bird, A.W.</font></p> + <p class="i2">Bridge Notes, 304</p> + <p class="i2">Conspiracy, 376</p> + <p class="i2">Domestic Strategy, 130</p> + <p class="i2">Poisson d'Avril, 274</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p><font class="sc">Brahms, Miss M.</font></p> + <p class="i2">Egoist (The), 34</p> + <p class="i2">Riding Lesson (The), 76</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p><font class="sc">Bretherton, Cyril</font></p> + <p class="i2">Charivaria, weekly</p> + <p class="i2">Guinea-pigs, 98</p> + <p class="i2">To Jessie, 198</p> + <p class="i2">To my Butter Ration, 70</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p><font class="sc">Brown, C.L.M.</font></p> + <p class="i2">Our Invincible Navy, 24</p> + <p class="i2">What of the Dumps?, 218</p> + <p class="i2">With the Auxiliary Patrol, 62</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p><font class="sc">Brown, Hilton</font></p> + <p class="i2">Cutchery Cats, 438</p> + <p class="i2">Demobbed, 258</p> + <p class="i2">Home Thoughts from Hind, 86</p> + <p class="i2">Labuntur Anni, 286</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p><font class="sc">Bullett, Gerald</font></p> + <p class="i2">Exile (The), 96</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p><font class="sc">Burton, C.E.</font></p> + <p class="i2">Flat to Let (A), 222</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p><font class="sc">Byles, C.E.</font></p> + <p class="i2">Analgesia, 434</p> + <p class="i2">Tale of the Tuneful Tub (The), 78</p> + <p class="i2">To a Dentist, 409</p> + <p class="i2">To the New Policeman, 449</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p><font class="sc">Carter, Desmond</font></p> + <p class="i2">Spring Song (A), 250</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p><font class="sc">Casson, C.R.</font></p> + <p class="i2">Coward (The), 144</p> + <p class="i2">Indiarubber Bloke (The), 254</p> + <p class="i2">Much the Better Half, 408</p> + <p class="i2">My Début in <i>Punch</i>, 49</p> + <p class="i2">On Approval, 444</p> + <p class="i2">Peace with Honour, 288</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p><font class="sc">Casson, E.K.</font></p> + <p class="i2">Anniversary (The), 186</p> + <p class="i2">Cap that Fits (The), 433</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p><font class="sc">Chandler, Miss B.W.</font></p> + <p class="i2">Fancy Bird (A), 174</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p><font class="sc">Clark, Dudley</font></p> + <p class="i2">Small Farm (A), 395</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p><font class="sc">Collins, Gilbert</font></p> + <p class="i2">Questionable Alien (The), 13</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p><font class="sc">Conran, E.D.</font></p> + <p class="i2">On the Western Front, 298</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p><font class="sc">Coxon, Major A.M.</font></p> + <p class="i2">Popular Cricket, 510</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p><font class="sc">Crawford, L.J.</font></p> + <p class="i2">Liar's Masterpiece (A), 382</p> + <p class="i2">Rates of Exchange, 216</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p><font class="sc">Cundy, C.W.</font></p> + <p class="i2">All for Jane, 344</p> + <p class="i2">Another Dog Dispute, 464</p> + <p class="i2">Chippo's Scenario, 290</p> + <p class="i2">Conflict of Emotions (A), 108</p> + <p class="i2">Inter-Service Match (An), 228</p> + <p class="i2">Limpet of War (A), 64</p> + <p class="i2">Mardi Gras, 126</p> + <p class="i2">Newspaper Scoop (A), 8</p> + <p class="i2">Smuggler (The), 45</p> + <p class="i2">Sporting Golf, 84</p> + <p class="i2">Won on the Posts, 184</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p><font class="sc">Darmady, E.S.</font></p> + <p class="i2">Burial of Dundee (The), 53</p> + <p class="i2">Error of Judgment at Epsom, 435</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p><font class="sc">Davis, R.K.</font></p> + <p class="i2">Shakspeare the Traducer, 58</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p><font class="sc">Drennan, Max</font></p> + <p class="i2">Little Tales for Young Plumbers, 86</p> + <p class="i2">Our Ballybun Lottery, 42</p> + <p class="i2">Rise and Fall of an Amateur Examiner (The), 244</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p><font class="sc">Eastwood, Capt.</font></p> + <p class="i2">King's Regulations, para. 1696, 362</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p><font class="sc">Eckersley, Arthur</font></p> + <p class="i2">Dram. Bac., 236</p> + <p class="i2">Witchcraft, 198</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p><font class="sc">Elias, Frank</font></p> + <p class="i2">Author-Managers (The), 366</p> + <p class="i2">Shattered Romances, 128</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p><font class="sc">Farjeon, Miss E.</font></p> + <p class="i2">Two Nightmares, 106</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p><font class="sc">Fay, S.J.</font></p> + <p class="i2">Authorship for All, 462, 486</p> + <p class="i2">Billiards, 46</p> + <p class="i2">Bunch of Poets (A), 6</p> + <p class="i2">Dora at the Play, 186</p> + <p class="i2">Golden Geese, 75</p> + <p class="i2">Great Mutton Campaign (The), 218</p> + <p class="i2">My Fire, 28</p> + <p class="i2">Rings from Saturn, 104</p> + <p class="i2">Seaside Issues, 248</p> + <p class="i2">Suzanne's Banking Account, 168</p> + <p class="i2">Taking of Timothy (The), 327</p> + <p class="i2">Wolf and the Lamb (The), 142</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p><font class="sc">Fox-Smith, Miss C.</font></p> + <p class="i2">Figure-Heads, 386</p> + <p class="i2">Packet Rat (The), 266</p> + <p class="i2">Pictures, 110</p> + <p class="i2">So Long, 44</p> + <p class="i2">Tow-rope Girls (The), 350</p> + <p class="i2">Witches, 156</p> + <p class="i2">Words of Wisdom, 10</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p><font class="sc">Fyleman, Miss Rose</font></p> + <p class="i2">Fairy Ball (The), 389</p> + <p class="i2">Devil in Devon (The), 418</p> + <p class="i2">Sometimes, 476</p> + <p class="i2">Visit (The), 300</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p><font class="sc">Fyson, G.F.</font></p> + <p class="i2">Communism at Cambridge, 390</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p><font class="sc">Garstin, Crosbie</font></p> + <p class="i2">Cornish Cottage (A), 466</p> + <p class="i2">Cornish Lullaby (A), 509</p> + <p class="i2">Fixes the Hare, 88</p> + <p class="i2">George and the Cow-Dragon, 164</p> + <p class="i2">Insomniac (The), 124</p> + <p class="i2">Jumble Sale (The), 68</p> + <p class="i2">Letter to the Back-Blocks (A), 16</p> + <p class="i2">Madding Crowd (The), 305</p> + <p class="i2">Maiden's Bower Rocks, Scilly, 486</p> + <p class="i2">Painful Subject (A), 26</p> + <p class="i2">Western Light-houses, 456</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p><font class="sc">Gillman, Capt. W.H.</font></p> + <p class="i2">More Championships, 77</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p><font class="sc">Goodhart, Mrs. H.</font></p> + <p class="i2">Bird Calls, 317, 356, 396</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p><font class="sc">Graham, R.D.C.</font></p> + <p class="i2">Loquacious Instinct (The), 448</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p><font class="sc">Graves, C.L.</font></p> + <p class="i2">Animal Helps, 15</p> + <p class="i2">Books and Backs, 78</p> + <p class="i2">Bridging the Literary Gulf, 396</p> + <p class="i2">Bubble and Squeak, 215</p> + <p class="i2">Candour of Keynes (The), 33</p> + <p class="i2">Easter in Wild Wales, 278</p> + <p class="i2">"First Hundred" of Loeb (The), 7</p> + <p class="i2">Freud and Jung, 193</p> + <p class="i2">From the Dance World, 310</p> + <p class="i2">From the Film World, 510</p> + <p class="i2">Future of Apsley House (The), 475</p> + <p class="i2">How to Pacify Ireland, 458</p> + <p class="i2">Magnanimous Mottoes, 418</p> + <p class="i2">Methodic Madness, 436</p> + <p class="i2">Modern Moon-rakers, 58</p> + <p class="i2">Musical Amenities, 96</p> + <p class="i2">Musical Notes, 496</p> + <p class="i2">New Courtiership (The), 514</p> + <p class="i2">New Isle of the Blest (A), 154</p> + <p class="i2">Paradise of Bards (The), 478</p> + <p class="i2">Reds and Dark Blues, 246</p> + <p class="i2">Revolt of the Super-Georgians, 118</p> + <p class="i2">Screen <i>v.</i> Stage, 256</p> + <p class="i2">Storm in a Tea-Shop (A), 129</p> + <p class="i2">Tall Talk, 322</p> + <p class="i2">Wanderer in Norfolk (The), 296</p> + <p class="i2">Wizards: Klingsor and Another, 166</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p><font class="sc">Greenland, George</font></p> + <p class="i2">Best Picture in the Academy, 402</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p><font class="sc">Guest, O.H.</font></p> + <p class="i2">Tartar Princess (The), 406</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p><font class="sc">Herbert, A.P.</font></p> + <p class="i2">About Bathrooms, 244</p> + <p class="i2">Art of Poetry (The), 426, 446, 482</p> + <p class="i2">Boat-Race Again (The), 208</p> + <p class="i2">Dog's Life (A), 508</p> + <p class="i2">Genius of Mr. Bradshaw (The), 226</p> + <p class="i2">Little Bits of London, 284, 334, 468</p> + <p class="i2">Making of a Crisis (The), 388</p> + <p class="i2">Manual Play, 366</p> + <p class="i2">Tools of Trade, 264</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p><font class="sc">Heyer, George</font></p> + <p class="i2">Getting Fixed, 488</p> + <p class="i2">Practice of the Crews (The), 226</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p><font class="sc">Hodgkinson, T.</font></p> + <p class="i2">Another Post-office Hold-up, 476</p> + <p class="i2">Big-Game Cure (The), 113</p> + <p class="i2">Hope for Posterity, 96</p> + <p class="i2">Safety Play, 324</p> + <p class="i2">Second Time of Asking (The), 210</p> + <p class="i2">This for Remembrance, 294</p> + <p class="i2">To a Coming Champion, 370</p> + <p class="i2">To James (Mule) who has Played me False, 166</p> + <p class="i2">Tube Cure (The), 6</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p><font class="sc">Holland, T.W.</font></p> + <p class="i2">Day by Day in the World Of Crime, 149</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p><font class="sc">Holmes, Capt. W.K.</font></p> + <p class="i2">Personal Element at a Motor Show (The), 242</p> + <p class="i2">Yeoman Transformed (The), 218</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p><font class="sc">Hooper, R.S.</font></p> + <p class="i2">Hints on Advertising, 338</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p><font class="sc">Jackson, Wilfrid</font></p> + <p class="i2">Palace and the Cottage (The), 378</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p><font class="sc">Jagger, Arthur</font></p> + <p class="i2">Connoisseur (The), 338</p> + <p class="i2">One Sportsman to Another, 406</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p><font class="sc">Jay, Thomas</font></p> + <p class="i2">Charivaria, weekly</p> + <p class="i2">Etiquette for Fires, 266</p> + <p class="i2">How to act in Emergencies, 113</p> + <p class="i2">Passing of the Litter (The), 55</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p><font class="sc">Jenkins, Ernest</font></p> + <p class="i2">Actress (The), 258</p> + <p class="i2">Another Crisis, 38</p> + <p class="i2">By the Stream, 298</p> + <p class="i2">Film Notes, 158</p> + <p class="i2">New Appeal (The), 122</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p><font class="sc">Jennens, Mrs.</font></p> + <p class="i2">Le Monde où l'on travaille, 342</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p><font class="sc">Kidd, A.</font></p> + <p class="i2">More Intensive Production, 115</p> + <p class="i2">Our Day of Unrest, 30</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p><font class="sc">Kilpatrick, Mrs</font>.</p> + <p class="i2">Elizabeth and her Young Man, 348</p> + <p class="i2">Elizabeth's Tip for the Derby, 428</p> + <p class="i2">My Sales Day, 30</p> + <p class="i2">Party Tactics, 268</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p><font class="sc">Knox, E.V.</font></p> + <p class="i2">Amalgamated Society of Passengers (The), 134</p> + <p class="i2">Book of Adventure (The), 46</p> + <p class="i2">Brain Wave (The), 456</p> + <p class="i2">Capua, 470</p> + <p class="i2">Coalition of 1950 (The), 189</p> + <p class="i2">Dead Tree (The), 150</p> + <p class="i2">Der Tag Once More, 366</p> + <p class="i2">Domestic Problem (The), 22</p> + <p class="i2">Fair Wear and Tear, 202</p> + <p class="i2">Fame, 178</p> + <p class="i2">Hampstead, 404</p> + <p class="i2">Home-Sickness, 386</p> + <p class="i2">Labour and Art, 93</p> + <p class="i2">Labour and the Russian Ballet, 286</p> + <p class="i2">National Coal, 246</p> + <p class="i2">New Modes for Mars, 485</p> + <p class="i2">Note on Chesterfields (A), 504</p> + <p class="i2">Note to Nature (A), 237</p> + <p class="i2">Possession, 262</p> + <p class="i2">Practical Zoology, 430</p> + <p class="i2">Priscilla Dialogue (A), 466</p> + <p class="i2">Raw Soul Stuff, 494</p> + <p class="i2">Sorrows of a Super-Profiteer, 66</p> + <p class="i2">Spring at Kew, 318</p> + <p class="i2">Vanished Species (A), 326</p> + <p class="i2">Vermin Offensive (A), 106</p> + <p class="i2">When the Chestnut Flowers, 346</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p><font class="sc">Langley, F.O.</font></p> + <p class="i2">Cox and Box, 146</p> + <p class="i2">Last of the Watch Dogs (The), 224</p> + <p class="i2">Songs of the Home, 14, 78, 207</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p><font class="sc">Letts, Miss W.M.</font></p> + <p class="i2">Elfin Tube (The), 486</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p><font class="sc">Lewis, M.A.</font></p> + <p class="i2">Genius at Play, 365</p> + <p class="i2">Incorrigible (The), 158</p> + <p class="i2">Presence of Mind, 295</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p><font class="sc">Lipscomb, W.P.</font></p> + <p class="i2">Peter and Judy, 114</p> + <p class="i2">Telephone Tactics, 306</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p><font class="sc">Locker, W.A.</font></p> + <p class="i2">Essence of Parliament, weekly</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p><font class="sc">Lucas, E.V.</font></p> + <p class="i2">Battle of the Mothers (The), 514</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p><font class="sc">Martin, N.R.</font></p> + <p class="i2">Buy Election (A), 195</p> + <p class="i2">Great Divorce Question (The), 416</p> + <p class="i2">How to gain a Journalistic Position, 2</p> + <p class="i2">My One Admirer, 278</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p><font class="sc">Mitchell, E.W.</font></p> + <p class="i2">Golf Notes, 188</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p><font class="sc">Morrison, A.C.L.</font></p> + <p class="i2">Identification of Hobbs (The), 302</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p><font class="sc">Murray, John</font></p> + <p class="i2">Auction in the Spacious Times, 162</p> + <p class="i2">Importunity, 496</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p><font class="sc">Norriss, Cecil</font></p> + <p class="i2">Charivaria, weekly</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p><font class="sc">Ogilvie, W.H.</font></p> + <p class="i2">Single Hound (A), 134</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p><font class="sc">Palmer, Arnold</font></p> + <p class="i2">High-brows, Ltd., 355</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p><font class="sc">Payne, Miss D.M.</font></p> + <p class="i2">Jazzerwocky, 26</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p><font class="sc">Pigott, E.W.</font></p> + <p class="i2">Saturdays, 75</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p><font class="sc">Richardson, R.J.</font></p> + <p class="i2">Holiday Anticipations, 502</p> + <p class="i2">Serene Batsman (The), 422</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p><font class="sc">Rigby, Reginald</font></p> + <p class="i2">Moo-Cow (The), 73</p> + <p class="i2">On the Eating of Asparagus, 502</p> + <p class="i2">Perfect Scullery (The), 416</p> + <p class="i2">What-Not (The), 17</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p><font class="sc">Salvidge, Stanley</font></p> + <p class="i2">Latest Party (The), 235</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p><font class="sc">Seaman, Owen</font></p> + <p class="i2">At the Play, 18, 36, 116, 136, 156, 276, 316, 498</p> + <p class="i2">Benefits of Peace (The), 42</p> + <p class="i2">Clothes and the Poet, 142</p> + <p class="i2">Fashions for Men, 22</p> + <p class="i2">Healing Waters of Spa (The), 342</p> + <p class="i2">Junker Interlude (A), 222</p> + <p class="i2">Liberal Breach (The), 382</p> + <p class="i2">May-Week, 462</p> + <p class="i2">Men and Things of the Moment, 182</p> + <p class="i2">Nature and Art, 2</p> + <p class="i2">"New" World (The), 202</p> + <p class="i2">Odysseus at the Derby, 422</p> + <p class="i2">Of certain Brutuses who missed their Mark, 82</p> + <p class="i2">On the Italian Riviera, 302</p> + <p class="i2">Open Letter to France (An), 517</p> + <p class="i2">Paisley to the Rescue of the Coalition, 162</p> + <p class="i2">Selfless Party (A), 122</p> + <p class="i2">Summer-time, 242</p> + <p class="i2">Sweet Influences of Trade (The), 62</p> + <p class="i2">Thoughts on the Budget, 322</p> + <p class="i2">To a Bricklayer in Repose, 362</p> + <p class="i2">To America, 102</p> + <p class="i2">"University Intelligence", 442</p> + <p class="i2">Virtue that begins away from Home (The), 402</p> + <p class="i2">Wisdom up to date—12th Edition, 282</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p><font class="sc">Sieveking, G.E.</font></p> + <p class="i2">Story with a Point (A), 122</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p><font class="sc">Solomon, G.G.</font></p> + <p class="i2">"Small Ads.", 102</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p><font class="sc">Stanhope, E.V.</font></p> + <p class="i2">Vers très libre, 262</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p><font class="sc">Stuart, Miss D.M.</font></p> + <p class="i2">For Remembrance, 450</p> + <p class="i2">Sussex Gods, 346</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p><font class="sc">Symns, J.M.</font></p> + <p class="i2">Water-Babies, 118</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p><font class="sc">Talbot, A.J.</font></p> + <p class="i2">Dead Sea Fruit, 154</p> + <p class="i2">New Wells for Old, 1</p> + <p class="i2">Perce Murgatroyd, Bricklayer, 455</p> + <p class="i2">Trying Day in Mediæval Times, 322</p> + <p class="i2">Word-Builders (The), 296</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p><font class="sc">Talbot, Miss Ethel</font></p> + <p class="i2">Why the Sparrow lives in the Town, 38</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p><font class="sc">Taylor, P.</font></p> + <p class="i2">Country Night Piece (A), 326</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p><font class="sc">Thorp, Joseph</font></p> + <p class="i2">At the Play, 116, 136, 156, 176, 236, 276, 336, 398, 438</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p><font class="sc">Wheelwright, J.E.</font></p> + <p class="i2">Our "Dumb" Pets Bureau, 257</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p><font class="sc">White, E.P.</font></p> + <p class="i2">Aural Tuition, 386</p> + <p class="i2">Connoisseur's Appreciation (A), 442</p> + <p class="i2">Essentials of Golf (The), 490</p> + <p class="i2">Life, 56</p> + <p class="i2">Labour-Saving, 506</p> + <p class="i2">Persistence of the Military, 476</p> + <p class="i2">Winter Sport in the Lower Alps, 204</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p><font class="sc">Woodward, Marcus</font></p> + <p class="i2">Meeting the Countess, 410</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p><font class="sc">Wyndham-Brown, W.F.</font></p> + <p class="i2">Dedications, 506</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p><font class="sc">Yonge, Rev. G.V.</font></p> + <p class="i2">Hound-Foxes 206</p> + </div> + </div> + +<h3>Pictures and Sketches.</h3> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p><font class="sc">Armour, G.D.</font>, 14, 39, 59, 79, 95, 117, 138, 159, 179, 199, 219, 238, 279, 315, 375, 399, 445, 478, 494</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p><font class="sc">Baumer, Lewis</font>, 7, 30, 50, 70, 87, 110, 150, 167, 197, 230, 267, 330, 447, 490</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p><font class="sc">Bennett, Fred</font>, 468, 481</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p><font class="sc">Bird, W.</font>, 8, 28, 48, 76, 88, 108, 128, 148, 168, 188, 208, 228, 248, 268, 295, 316, 341, 361, 388, 480, 501</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p><font class="sc">Brock, H.M.</font>, 129, 244, 274, 298</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p><font class="sc">Brook, Ricardo</font>, 68</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p><font class="sc">Butcher, A.</font>, 20</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p><font class="sc">Cheney, Leo</font>, 433</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p><font class="sc">Cottrell, Tom</font>, 214, 229, 256, 349, 419, 499, 509</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p><font class="sc">Dixon, G.S.</font>, 441</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p><font class="sc">Dowd, J.H.</font>, 29, 53, 216, 294, 297, 327, 368, 405, 421, 461, 508</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p><font class="sc">Earnshaw, Harold</font>, 281</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p><font class="sc">Edwards, Lionel</font>, 259</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p><font class="sc">Evans, Treyer</font>, 280</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p><font class="sc">Ferrier, Arthur</font>, 140</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>"<font class="sc">Fougasse</font>", 13, 21, 37, 57, 69, 97, 114, 130, 161, 201, 221, 288, 357, 379, 417, 437, 477</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p><font class="sc">Fraser, Peter</font>, 41, 93, 160, 225, 234, 320, 340, 358, 378, 428, 434</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p><font class="sc">Gammon, Reg</font>., 209</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p><font class="sc">Ghilchik, D.L.</font>, 141</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p><font class="sc">Grave, Charles</font>, 41, 85, 115, 205, 265, 285, 345, 394, 408, 414, 425, 459, 485</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p><font class="sc">Harrison, Charles</font>, 157, 194</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p><font class="sc">Haselden, W.K.</font>, 18, 36, 116, 136, 156, 276, 336, 398, 438, 498</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p><font class="sc">Henry, Thomas</font>, 475</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p><font class="sc">Howells, W.A.</font>, 176, 241</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p><font class="sc">Jennis, G.</font>, 77, 255, 319, 404, 515</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p><font class="sc">Lloyd, A.W.</font>, 133, 153, 154, 173, 174, 193, 213, 233, 253, 254, 273, 313, 333, 334, 353, 354, 373, 393, 413, 453, 473, 493, 512, 513</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p><font class="sc">Mills, A. Wallis</font>, 25, 49, 74, 94, 109, 125 147, 175, 185, 207, 239, 245, 270, 287, 317, 325, 347, 387, 418, 429, 457, 465, 484, 504</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p><font class="sc">Moreland, Arthur</font>, 24</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p><font class="sc">Morrow, George</font>, 9, 40, 60, 80, 100, 120, 121, 155, 180, 181, 220, 240, 260, 261, 300, 308, 338, 360, 377, 397, 400, 420, 430, 448, 474, 488, 516</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p><font class="sc">Norris, Arthur</font>, 119, 500</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p><font class="sc">Partridge, Bernard</font>, 1</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p><font class="sc">Peddie</font>, 514</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p><font class="sc">Pett, Norman</font>, 58, 381, 440</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p><font class="sc">Prance, Bertram</font>, 33, 61, 165, 200, 299, 305, 321, 348, 359, 415, 460</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p><font class="sc">Raven-Hill, L.</font>, 19, 75, 135, 169, 215, 250, 261, 310, 374, 401, 454, 513, 518</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p><font class="sc">Reynolds, Frank</font>, 17, 34, 44, 67, 84, 104, 137, 144, 164, 184, 204, 237, 247, 277, 284, 304, 324, 344, 364, 384, 407, 427, 450, 464, 497, 507</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p><font class="sc">Shepard, E.H.</font>, 15, 47, 99, 127, 190, 227, 337, 389, 479, 487</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p><font class="sc">Shepperson, C.A.</font> 27, 107, 187, 307, 367, 467</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p><font class="sc">Smith, A.T.</font> 101, 149</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p><font class="sc">Speed, Lancelot</font>, 301, 455</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p><font class="sc">Stampa, G.L.</font>, 5, 54, 89, 105, 124, 177, 196, 217, 235, 257, 269, 289, 314, 329, 355, 369, 395, 439, 458, 469, 489, 510</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p><font class="sc">Terry, Stan</font>., 98</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p><font class="sc">Thomas, Bert</font>, 4, 35, 45, 65, 145, 195, 293, 328, 339, 354, 365, 385, 410, 424, 449</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p><font class="sc">Townsend, F.H.</font> 10, 55, 73, 90, 113, 139, 170, 189, 210, 224, 249, 275, 290, 309, 335, 350, 370, 390, 409, 435, 444, 470, 495, 505</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p><font class="sc">Warden, A.H.</font>, 81</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p><font class="sc">White, Dyke</font>, 38</p> + </div> + </div> + + <div class="figcenter" style="width:33%;"> + <a href="images/495.png"><img width="100%" src="images/495.png" + alt="Finis" /></a> + </div> + + + + + + + +<pre> + + + + + +End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. +158, June 30th, 1920, by Various + +*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH *** + +***** This file should be named 16640-h.htm or 16640-h.zip ***** +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: + https://www.gutenberg.org/1/6/6/4/16640/ + +Produced by Jonathan Ingram, Keith Edkins and the Online +Distributed Proofreading Team at https://www.pgdp.net + + +Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions +will be renamed. + +Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no +one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation +(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without +permission and without paying copyright royalties. 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