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+The Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 159,
+August 4th, 1920, by Various
+
+This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with
+almost no restrictions whatsoever.  You may copy it, give it away or
+re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included
+with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org
+
+
+Title: Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 159, August 4th, 1920
+
+Author: Various
+
+Release Date: August 31, 2005 [EBook #16628]
+
+Language: English
+
+Character set encoding: ASCII
+
+*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH ***
+
+
+
+
+Produced by Jonathan Ingram, Keith Edkins and the Online
+Distributed Proofreading Team at https://www.pgdp.net
+
+
+
+
+
+PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
+
+VOL. 159.
+
+
+
+August 4th, 1920.
+
+
+
+
+CHARIVARIA.
+
+A drought is reported from India and Eastern Africa. Considering the amount
+of water which has recently escaped from clouds over here it is not
+surprising to find that they are feeling the pinch in other countries.
+
+* * *
+
+A correspondent writes to a weekly paper inquiring when Sir ERIC GEDDES was
+born. We admire the fellow's restraint in not asking "Why?"
+
+* * *
+
+We understand that one wealthy connoisseur has decided to give up buying
+Old Masters in order to save up for the purchase of a railway ticket.
+
+* * *
+
+_The Daily Mail_ points out that Lord NORTHCLIFFE has left England for the
+Continent. Sir ERIC GEDDES is said to have remarked that he will catch his
+lordship coming back.
+
+* * *
+
+A gentleman who is about to travel to a South Coast resort writes to
+inquire what his position will be if some future Government reduces the
+railway fares before he arrives at his destination.
+
+* * *
+
+In view of the increased railway fares there is some talk of starting a
+Mansion House Fund to convey Scotsmen home from England before it is too
+late.
+
+* * *
+
+Of the new railway rates it can be said that those who go farthest will
+fare worse.
+
+* * *
+
+With reference to the man who was seen laughing in the Strand the other
+day, it should be pointed out that he is not an English tax-payer but a
+Colonial who was catching the boat home next morning.
+
+* * *
+
+A Christmas-card posted at Farnham in December, 1905, has just been
+delivered at Ivychurch. The theory is that the postal authorities mistook
+it for a business communication.
+
+* * *
+
+The monocle is coming into fashion once again, and it is thought that a
+motorist wearing one goggle will soon be quite a common sight.
+
+* * *
+
+In view of their unwieldiness and size it is being urged that motor
+charabancs should be required to carry a special form of hooter, to be
+sounded only when there is no room for a vehicle coming in the other
+direction to pass. A more elaborate system of signals is also suggested,
+notably two short squawks and a long groan, to signify "My pedestrian, I
+think."
+
+* * *
+
+According to a County Court judge it is the duty of every motorist who
+knocks down a pedestrian to go back and ask the man if he is hurt. But
+surely the victim cannot answer such a question off-hand without first
+consulting his solicitor.
+
+* * *
+
+A great pilgrimage of house-hunters has visited the enormous marrow which
+is growing in an allotment at Ingatestone, but the strong military guard
+sent to protect it has succeeded up to the present in frustrating all
+attempts to occupy it.
+
+* * *
+
+A motor fire-engine dashed into a draper's shop in the North of London last
+Tuesday week. We understand that one of the firemen with great presence of
+mind justified his action by immediately setting fire to the building.
+
+* * *
+
+A petrified fish about fifty feet long has been discovered in Utah. This is
+said to be the largest sardine and the smallest whale America has ever
+produced.
+
+* * *
+
+Building operations were interrupted in North London last week, when a
+couple of sparrows built a nest on some foundations just where a bricklayer
+was due to lay a brick the next day.
+
+* * *
+
+Six tourists motoring through the mountainous district of Ardeche
+Department fell a thousand feet down a precipice, but escaped without
+injury. We understand that in spite of many tempting offers from
+cinematograph companies the motorists have decided not to repeat the
+experiment.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _The Girl._ "ISN'T THAT MR. JONES BOWLING?"
+
+_The Enthusiast._ "YES. THE OTHER DAY HE TOOK THREE WICKETS FOR SIX."
+
+_The Girl._ "HOW DREADFUL! I'D NO IDEA HE DRANK."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+SOLVING THE HOLIDAY FARE PROBLEM.
+
+"None but the rich can pay the fare" is as true at this moment as when the
+words were first penned.
+
+The reference, of course, is to the return fare, for the single fare of
+tomorrow is hardly more than we paid without complaint in years gone by for
+the journey there and back.
+
+How comparatively few people seem to be aware that the solution of the
+difficulty lies in not returning. Could anything be simpler?
+
+Nobody wants to return. In preparing for a holiday our thoughts are
+concentrated on when to go, where to go and how to get there. Who bothers
+himself about when to come back, where to come back from, and how to do it?
+After all, holiday-making is not to be confused with prize-fighting.
+
+That we have come back in the past has been due as much to custom as to
+anything. Someone introduced the silly fashion of returning from holidays,
+and we have unthinkingly acquired the habit. Once we shake off this holiday
+convention the problem of the return fare is solved.
+
+Just stay where you are and all will be well. Sooner or later your friends
+or your employer (if your return is really considered desirable) will send
+a money-order. But that is their look-out. The point is that the return
+fare need not trouble _you_. And you can please yourself as to what you buy
+with the money-order.
+
+Why all this outcry then about the cost of travelling in the holiday
+season?
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "M. Lappas, the young Greek tenor whose debut last season won him a
+    host of fiends."--_Daily Paper._
+
+As _Mephistopheles_, we presume.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "Lost, Monday, July 19th, silver purse containing 10s. note and
+    photographs; also lady's bathing costume."--_Local Paper._
+
+Wrapped up in the "Fisher," no doubt.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+  I once knew a bowler named Patrick
+  Who, after performing the "hat-trick,"
+      Remarked, as he bowed
+      His respects to the crowd,
+  "It's nothing: I often do that trick!"
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+BADLY SYNGED.
+
+The scene is the morning-room of the Smith-Hybrows' South London residence.
+It is the day following the final performance of the Smith-Hybrows'
+strenuous season of J.M. SYNGE drama, undertaken with the laudable
+intention of familiarising the suburb with the _real_ Irish temperament and
+the works of the dramatist in question.
+
+Mrs. Smith-Hybrow is seated at the breakfast-table, her head buried behind
+the coffee urn. She is opening her letters and "keening" softly as she
+rocks in her chair.
+
+_Mrs. Smith-Hybrow_ (_scanning a letter_). Will I be helping them with the
+sale of work? It's little enough the like of me will be doing for them the
+way I was treated at the last Bazaar, when Mrs. McGupperty and Mrs.
+Glyn-Jones were after destroying me with the cutting of the sandwiches. And
+was I not there for three days, from the rising of the blessed sun to the
+shining of the blessed stars, cutting and cutting, and never a soul to bear
+witness to the destroying labour of it, and the two legs of me like to give
+way with the great weariness (_keens_)? I'll have no call this year to be
+giving in to their prayers and beseechings, and I won't care the way the
+Curate will be after trying to come round me, with his eyes looking at me
+the way the moon kisses the drops of dew on the hedgerows when the road is
+white.
+
+    [_Opens another letter, keening the while in a slightly higher key.
+    Enter_ Gertrude Smith-Hybrow. _She crosses to the window and stares
+    out._
+
+_Gertrude._ There are black clouds in the sky, and the wind is breaking in
+the west and making a great stir with the trees, and they are hitting one
+on the other. And there is rain falling, falling from the clouds, and the
+roads be wet.
+
+_Mrs. S.-H._ It is your mackintosh you will be wanting when you are after
+going to the Stores.
+
+_Gertrude_ (_coming to the table and speaking with dull resentment_). And
+why should I be going to the Stores the way I have enough to do with a
+meeting of the League for Brighter Homes and a luncheon of the Cubist
+Encouragement Society? Isn't it a queer hard thing that Dora cannot be
+going to the Stores, and her with time enough on her hands surely?
+
+    [_Sits in her place and begins keening. While she has been speaking
+    Dora has entered hurriedly, buttoning her jumper._
+
+_Dora_ (_vigorously_). And is it you, Gertrude Smith-Hybrow, that will be
+talking about me having time on my hands? May the saints forgive you for
+the hard words, and me having to cycle this blessed day to Mrs.
+Montgomery's lecture on the Dadaist Dramatists, and the meringues and the
+American creams to be made for to-night's Tchekoff Conversazione. Is it not
+enough for a girl to be destroyed with the play-acting, and the wind like
+to be in my face the whole way and the rain falling, falling?
+
+    [_Sits in her place and keens._
+
+_Mrs. S.-H._ (_after an interval of keening_). Is it your father that will
+be missing his train this morning, Dora Smith-Hybrow?
+
+_Dora_ (_rousing herself and selecting an egg_). It is my father that will
+be missing his train entirely, and it is his son that would this minute be
+sleeping the blessed daylight away had I not let fall upon him a sponge
+that I had picked out of the cold, cold water.
+
+_Gertrude._ It is a flapper you are, Dora Smith-Hybrow.
+
+_Dora._ It is a flapper you will never be again, Gertrude Smith-Hybrow,
+though you be after doing your queer best to look like one.
+
+_Mrs. S.-H._ Whisht! Is it the time for loose talk, with the wind rising,
+rising, and the rain falling, falling, and the price of butter up another
+threepence this blessed morning?
+
+    [_They all three recommence keening. Enter_ Mr. Smith-Hybrow _followed
+    by_ Cyril.
+
+_Mr. S.-H._ (_staunching a gash in his chin_). Is it not a hard thing for a
+man to be late for his breakfast and the rain falling, falling, and the
+wind rising, rising. It's destroyed I am with the loss of blood and no food
+in my stomach would keep the life in a flea.
+
+    [_Sits in his place and opens his letters savagely._ Cyril, _a
+    cadaverous youth, stares gloomily into the depths of the marmalade._
+
+_Cyril_ (_dreamily_). There's gold and gold and gold--caverns of gold. And
+there's a woman with hair of gold and eyes would pick the locks of a man's
+soul, and long shining hands like pale seaweed. Is it not a terrible thing
+that a man would have to go to the City when there is a woman with gold
+hair waiting for him in the marmalade pot--waiting to draw him down into
+the cold, cold water?
+
+_Dora._ Is it another spongeful you are wanting, Cyril Smith-Hybrow, and
+myself destroyed entirely waiting for the marmalade?
+
+    [Cyril _blushes, passes the marmalade, sits down languidly and selects
+    an egg._ Mrs. S.-H. _pours out the coffee and resumes her keening._
+
+_Mr. S.-H._ (_glaring at her_). Is it not a nice thing for the wife of a
+respectable City stockbroker to sit at the breakfast-table making a noise
+like that of a cow that is waiting to be milked?
+
+_Mrs. S.-H._ (_hurt_). It is keening I am.
+
+_Gertrude_ (_passing him "The Morning Post"_). Is it not enough that the
+price of butter is up another threepence this blessed day, and the wind
+rising, rising, and the rain falling, falling?
+
+_Mr. S.-H._ It is destroyed we shall all be entirely.
+
+_Cyril_ (_gazing into the depths of his egg_). There was a strange queer
+dream I was after having the night that has gone. It was on the rocks I
+was....
+
+_Mr. S.-H._ (_glaring at the market reports_). It is on the rocks we shall
+all be.
+
+_Cyril._ ... on the rocks I was by the sea-shore ...
+
+_Dora_ (_slightly hysterically_). With the wind rising, rising?
+
+_Cyril_ (_nodding_). ... and the rain falling, falling. And a woman of the
+chorus drove up in a taxi, and the man that had the driving of it was
+eating an orange. The woman came and sat by the side of me, and the
+peroxide in her hair made it gleam like the pale gold coins that were in
+the banks before the Great War (_more dreamily_). Never a word said she
+when I hung a chain of cold, cold sausages about her neck, but her eyes
+were shining, shining, and into my hands she put a tin of corned beef. And
+it is destroyed I was with the love of her, and would have kissed her lips
+but I saw the park-keeper coming, coming out of the sea for tickets, and I
+fled from the strange queer terror of it, and found myself by a lamp-post
+in Hackney Wick with the wind rising, rising, and the rain falling,
+falling.
+
+    [_He stops. The others stare at him and at one another in piteous
+    inquiry. The women begin keening._ Mr. S.-H. _seizes the remaining egg
+    and cracks it viciously._
+
+_Mr. S.-H._ (_falling back in his chair_). Damnation!
+
+    [_The air is filled with a pungent matter-of-fact odour._ Dora,
+    _holding her handkerchief to her nose, rushes valiantly at the offender
+    and hurls it out of the window on to a flower-bed. The_ SYNGE _spell is
+    broken._
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Mr. Punch begs to thank the seven hundred and forty-three correspondents
+who have so thoughtfully drawn his attention to the too familiar fact that
+"there's many a slip 'twixt the Cup and the LIPTON."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: THE BLUE RIBBON OF THE SEA.
+
+COLUMBIA. "YOUR HEALTH, SIR THOMAS, AND BETTER LUCK NEXT TIME."
+
+SIR THOMAS LIPTON. "'BUT LEAVE A KISS WITHIN THE CUP AND [_very tactfully_]
+I'LL NOT ASK FOR WINE.'"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Professional_ (_to self-made man having his first lesson_).
+"YOU'VE HIT THIS ONE HARD ENOUGH, SIR, AND NO MISTAKE. WHY, I'VE NEVER SEEN
+A BALL GASHED LIKE THAT BEFORE."
+
+_Self-made Man._ "WELL, LAD, AH MOSTLY DO GET RESULTS FROM ONYTHING AH
+TAKES OOP."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE SUCCULENT COMEDIANS.
+
+Among the literary and artistic treasures of American collectors the
+manuscript of LAMB'S essay on Roast Pig is eminent. I have seen this
+rarity, which is now in the strong room where Mr. PIERPONT MORGAN keeps his
+autographs safe equally from fire and from theft--if not from the desire to
+thieve. Much did I covet in this realm of steel, and LAMB'S MS. not least.
+The essay occupies both sides of large sheets of foolscap, written in a
+minute hand, with very few corrections, both the paper and the time
+occupied in transcription, if not also in actual composition, being, I
+should guess, the East India Company's. It is not, I imagine, the first
+draft, but the first fair copy after all the changes had been made and the
+form was fixed; and its author, if he is in any position to know what is
+going forward on a planet which he left some six-and-eighty years ago, must
+have been amused when he heard that so much money--thousands and thousands
+of dollars--had been given for it at auction the other day.
+
+Reading the essay again, in the faded ink on the yellowing paper, I
+realised once more that everything that can be said about little pigs, dead
+and ripe for the eater, had been said here and said finally. But the
+living? That very evening I was to find little live pigs working for their
+maintenance under conditions of which I had never dreamed, in an
+environment less conducive, one would suppose, to porcine activity than any
+that could be selected.
+
+It was at Coney Island, that astonishing permanent and magnified Earl's
+Court Exhibition, summer Blackpool and August-Bank-Holiday-Hampstead-Heath,
+which New York supports for its beguilement. In this domain of switchbacks
+and chutes, merry-go-rounds and shooting-galleries, dancing-halls and
+witching waves, vociferous and crowded and lit by a million lamps, I came
+suddenly upon the Pig Slide and had a new conception of what quadrupeds can
+do for man.
+
+The Pig Slide, which was in one of the less noisy quarters of Luna Park,
+consisted of an enclosure in which stood a wooden building of two storeys,
+some five yards wide and three high. On the upper storey was a row of six
+or eight cages, in each of which dwelt a little live pig, an infant of a
+few weeks. In the middle of the row, descending to the ground, was an
+inclined board, with raised edges, such as is often installed in swimming-
+baths to make diving automatic, and beneath each cage was a hole a foot in
+diameter. The spectators and participants crowded outside the enclosure,
+and the thing was to throw balls, which were hired for the purpose, into
+the holes. Nothing could exceed the alert and eager interest taken by the
+little pigs in the efforts of the ball-throwers. They quivered on their
+little legs; they pressed their little noses against the bars of the cages;
+their little eyes sparkled; their tails (the only corkscrews left in
+America) curled and uncurled and curled again: and with reason, for
+whereas, if you missed--as was only too easy--nothing happened, if you
+threw accurately the fun began, and the fun was also theirs.
+
+This is what occurred. First a bell rang and then a spring released the
+door of the cage immediately over the hole which your ball had entered, so
+that it swung open. The little pig within, after watching the previous
+infirmity of your aim with dejection, if not contempt, had pricked up his
+ears on the sound of the bell, and now smiled a gratified smile,
+irresistible in infectiousness, and trotted out, and, with the smile
+dissolving into an expression of absolute beatitude, slid voluptuously down
+the plank: to be gathered in at the foot by an attendant and returned to
+its cage all ready for another such adventure.
+
+It was for these moments and their concomitant changes of countenance that
+you paid your money. To taste the triumph of good marksmanship was only a
+fraction of your joy; the greater part of it consisted in liberating a
+little prisoner and setting in motion so much ecstasy.
+
+We do not use baby pigs in this entertaining way in England. At the most we
+hunt them greased. But when other beguilements weary we might. The
+R.S.P.C.A. could not object, the little pets are so happy. And what a
+privilege is theirs, both alive and dead, to enchant creation's lord.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Ordinary Artist_ (_to Ultra-Modern ditto_). "HOW TOPPING
+THOSE KIDDIES LOOK WITH THE SUN ON THEM! OH, I FORGOT--I MEAN THOSE THINGS
+SPLASHING ABOUT OVER THERE. OF COURSE YOU DON'T SEE THEM AS HUMAN BEINGS."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "In order to give a lead in economy King George and Queen Mary and a
+    number of peeresses have decided not to wear plumes or tulle veils at
+    the opening of Parliament."--_Australian Paper._
+
+Very self-sacrificing of HIS MAJESTY.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "'My husband says I must leavee teo-night,' said a wife at Acton. 'Oh,
+    hee eceanee't givee you ... notice to quit,' said the magistrate."--
+    _Evening Paper._
+
+His worship seems to have settled the matter with e's.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE MINISTERING ANGEL.
+
+    [Yawning, it is now claimed, is an excellent thing for the health.]
+
+  Stretched prone upon my couch of pain,
+    An ache in every limb,
+  Fell influenza having slain
+    My customary _vim_,
+  I mused, disconsolate, about
+    The pattern of my pall,
+  When lo! I heard a step without
+    And Thomson came to call.
+
+  "Your ruddy health," I told him, "mocks
+    A hand too weak to grip
+  The tea-cup with its captive ox
+    And raise it to my lip;"
+  To which he answered he had come
+    To bring for my delight
+  Red posies of geranium
+    And roses pink and white.
+
+  'Twas kind of Thomson thus to seek
+    To mitigate my gloom,
+  But why did he proceed to speak
+    Of how he'd reared each bloom,
+  Telling in language far from terse
+    On what his blossoms fed
+  And how he made the greenfly curse
+    The day that it was bred?
+
+  He told me how he rose at dawn
+    To titivate the land
+  ('Twas here that I began to yawn
+    Behind a courteous hand),
+  And how he thought his favourite pea
+    Had found the soil too dry
+  (And here I feared my yawns would be
+    Apparent to his eye).
+
+  On fruit and blossom good and bad
+    He rambled on unchecked,
+  Until his conversation had
+    Such curative effect
+  That in the end it drove away
+    My weak despondent mood.
+  I clasped his hand and blessed the day
+    He came to do me good.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "MORE DEARER PUBLICATIONS."--_Daily Mail._
+
+More dearer nor what they was? Dear, dear!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+From _Young India_, the organ of Mr. GANDHI:--
+
+    "In our last issue the number of those in receipt of relief is given at
+    500. This is a printer's devil. The number is 5,000."
+
+Mr. GANDHI ought to exorcise that devil.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "The tests were entirely satisfactory, and the pilot manoeuvred for a
+    quarter of an hour at a height of 500 metres and a speed of 150
+    millimetres an hour."--_Aeronautics._
+
+This is believed to be the nearest approach to "hovering" that has yet been
+achieved by a machine.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+NITRATES.
+
+  All alone I went a-walking by the London Docks one day,
+  For to see the ships discharging in the basins where they lay;
+  And the cargoes that I saw there they were every sort and kind,
+  Every blessed brand of merchandise a man could bring to mind;
+  There were things in crates and boxes, there was stuff in bags and bales,
+  There were tea-chests wrapped in matting, there were Eastern-looking
+      frails,
+  There were baulks of teak and greenheart, there were stacks of spruce and
+      pine,
+  There was cork and frozen carcasses and casks of Spanish wine,
+  There was rice and spice and cocoa-nuts, and rum enough was there
+  For to warm all London's innards up and leave a drop to spare;
+
+  But of all the freights I found there, gathered in from far and wide,
+  All the smells both nice and nasty from the Pool to Barkingside,
+  All the harvest of the harbours from Bombay to Montreal,
+  There was one that took my fancy first and foremost of them all;
+  It was neither choice nor costly, it was neither rich nor rare
+  And, in most ways you can think of, it was neither here nor there,
+  It was nothing over-beautiful to smell nor yet to see--
+  Only bags of stuffy nitrate--but it meant a lot to me.
+
+  I forgot the swarming stevedores, I forgot the dust and din,
+  And the rattle of the winches hoisting cargo out and in,
+  And the rusty tramp before me with her hatches open wide,
+  And the grinding of her derricks as the sacks went overside;
+  I forgot the murk of London and the dull November sky--
+  I was far, ay, far from England, in a day that's long gone by.
+
+  I forgot the thousand changes years have brought in ships and men,
+  And the knots on Time's old log-line that have reeled away since then,
+  And I saw a fast full-rigger with her swelling canvas spread,
+  And the steady trade-wind droning in her royals overhead,
+  Fleecy trade-clouds on the sky-line--high above the Tropic blue--
+  And the curved arch of her foresail and the ocean gleaming through;
+  I recalled the Cape Stiff weather, when your soul-case seemed to freeze,
+  And the trampling, cursing watches and the pouring, pooping seas,
+  And the ice on spar and jackstay, and the cracking, volleying sail,
+  And the tatters of our voices blowing down the roaring gale ...
+  I recalled the West Coast harbours just as plain as yesteryear--
+  Nitrate ports, all dry and dusty, where they sell fresh water-dear--
+  Little cities white and wicked by a bleak and barren shore,
+  With an anchor on the cliff-side for to show you where to moor;
+  And the sour red wine we tasted, and the foolish songs we sung,
+  And the girls we had our fun with in the days when we were young;
+  And the dancing in the evenings down at Dago Bill's saloon,
+  And the stars above the mountains and the sea's eternal tune.
+
+  Only bags of stuffy nitrate from a far Pacific shore,
+  From a dreary West Coast harbour that I'll surely fetch no more;
+  Only bags of stuffy nitrate, with its faint familiar smell
+  Bringing back the ships and shipmates that I used to know so well;
+  Half a lifetime lies between us and a thousand leagues of sea,
+  But it called the days departed and my boyhood back to me.
+
+  C.F.S.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+ROSES ALL THE WAY.
+
+Fired by an Irish rose-grower's pictures of some of his beautiful new
+seedlings we are tempted to describe one or two of our own favourite
+flowers in language similar to his own. This is an example of the way he
+does it:--
+
+    "LADY MAUREEN STEWART (_Hybrid Tea_).--A gloriously-finished globular
+    slightly imbricated cupped bloom with velvety black scarlet cerise
+    shell-shaped petals, whose reflex is solid pure orangey maroon without
+    veining. An excellent bloom, ideal shape, brilliant and non-fading
+    colour with heavy musk rose odour. Erect growth and flower-stalk.
+    Foliage wax and leathery and not too large. A very floriferous and
+    beautiful rose. 21s. each."
+
+Why not also these?--
+
+DAVID (_Hybrid Tory-Lib._).--A gloriously-finished true-blue-slightly-
+imbricated-with-red-flag coalition rose whose deep globular head with
+ornate decorative calyx retains its perfect exhibition-cross-question-
+hostile-amendment symmetry of form without blueing or burning in the
+hottest Westminster sun. Its smiling peach and cerise endearments
+terminating in black scarlet shell-shaped waxy Berlin ultimata are carried
+on an admirably rigid peduncle. Equally vigorous in all parts of Europe.
+Superbly rampant. Not on sale.
+
+AUSTEN (_Tea and most other things_).--This bottomless-cupped bank-paper-
+white-edged-and-rimmed-with-tape-pink-margin bloom, the reflex of whose
+never-fading demand notes is velvety black thunder-cloud with lightning-
+flash six-months-in-the-second-division veinations, has never been known to
+be too full. It is supported by a landlordly stalk of the utmost excess-
+profits-war-profits-minor-profits rigidity. A decorative, acquisitive and
+especially captivating rose, and already something more than a popular
+favourite. 18s. in L1.
+
+SIR THOMAS (_Ceylon and India Tea_).--This true sport from the British
+bull-dog rose has a slightly globular double-hemisphere-popular greatly-
+desiring-and-deserving-to-be-cupped bloom whose pearly preserved cream
+flesh is delicately flushed and mottled with tinned salmon and dried
+apricot. Rich golden and banking-account stamina, foliage deep navy blue
+with brass buttons and a superb fragrance of western ocean. Its marvellous
+try-try-try-again floriferousness in all weathers is the admiration of all
+beholders. Price no object.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+From a weather forecast:--
+
+    "General Outlook.--It appears probable that further expressions will
+    arrive from the westward or north-westward before long, and that after
+    a temporary improvement the weather will again become unsettled; with
+    much cloud and occasional rain."--_Evening Paper._
+
+In which event further expressions (of a sultry character) may be expected
+from all round the compass.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+"COME UNTO THESE YELLOW SANDS."
+
+[Illustration: "COME UNTO THESE YELLOW SANDS AND THEN--]
+
+[Illustration: --TAKE HANDS."--[_The Tempest_, Act I., Sc. 2. ]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+QUEEN'S COUNSEL.
+
+The Fairy Queen shook her head in answer to my question. "No," she said, "I
+have no favourite flower."
+
+She had dropped in after dinner, as was her occasional habit, and at the
+moment sat perched on a big red carnation which stood in a flower-glass on
+the top of my desk.
+
+"You see," she continued, floating across to where I was sitting and
+lowering her voice confidentially, for there were a good many flowers
+about--"you see it would never do. Just think of the trouble it would
+cause. Imagine the state of mind of the lilies if I were to show a
+preference for roses. There's always been a little jealousy there, and
+they're all frightfully touchy. The artistic temperament, you know. Why, I
+daren't even sleep in the same flower two nights running."
+
+"Yes, I see," I said. "It must be very awkward."
+
+I lapsed into silence; I had had a worrying day and was feeling tired and a
+little depressed. The Queen fluttered about the room, pausing a moment on
+the mantel-shelf for a word or two with her old friend the Dresden china
+shepherdess. Then she came back to the desk and performed a brief _pas
+seul_ on the shining smooth cover of my pass-book. My mind flew instantly
+to my slender bank-balance and certain recent foolishnesses.
+
+"Talking of favourites," I said--"talking of favourites, do you take any
+interest in racing?"
+
+Instantly the Queen subsided on to my rubber stamp damper, which was
+fortunately dry.
+
+"Oh, yes," she replied, "I take a _great_ interest in racing. I love it. I
+can give you all sorts of hints."
+
+I thought it was a pity she hadn't called a week or two earlier. I might
+have been a richer woman by a good many pounds.
+
+"And there are so many kinds," continued the Queen earnestly. "Now in a
+butterfly race it's always best just to hold on and let them do as they
+like. It's not a bit of use trying to make them go straight. Rabbits are
+better in that way, but even rabbits are a little uncertain at times. Full
+of nerves. But have you ever tried swallow-racing?" she went on
+enthusiastically. "It's simply splendid. You give them their heads and you
+never know _where_ you may get to. But, anyway, it doesn't really matter in
+the least afterwards who wins; it's only while it's happening that you feel
+so thrilled, isn't it?"
+
+I didn't acquiesce very whole-heartedly. I'm afraid my thoughts were with
+my lost guineas. It _had_ rather mattered afterwards. I really had been
+very foolish.
+
+"You look depressed," said the Fairy Queen. "Can I help you? I'm really
+extremely practical. You know, don't you," she leaned forward and looked at
+me earnestly, "that I should be delighted if I could assist you with any
+advice?"
+
+I hesitated. Just before she came I had been anxiously considering as to
+how I was going to make one hundred pounds do the work of two during the
+next few weeks; but somehow I didn't quite like to mention such material
+matters to the Queen; it didn't seem suitable.
+
+I looked up and met her kind eyes fixed on mine with an expression of the
+gentlest interest and solicitude.
+
+"I wonder," I said, still hesitating, "whether you know anything about
+stocks and shares?"
+
+"Stocks and shares," she repeated slowly, looking just a little vague and
+puzzled. And then--"Oh, yes, of course I do, if that's all you want to
+know."
+
+I felt quite pleased now that I had really got it out.
+
+"If you could just give me a useful hint or two I should be tremendously
+grateful," I said. Already thousands loomed entrancingly before me. Already
+I saw myself settled in that darling cottage on the windy hill above
+Daccombe Wood. Already--
+
+"I think I had better get a pencil and paper," I said. "My memory's
+dreadful."
+
+But the Fairy Queen shook her head.
+
+"I'll write it down for you," she said, "and you can read it when I'm gone.
+That's so much more fun. But I don't need paper."
+
+She drew a tiny shining implement from her pocket and, picking up a couple
+of rose-petals which had fallen upon the table, she busied herself with
+them for a moment at my desk, her mouth pursed up, her brows contracted in
+an expression of intense seriousness.
+
+"There," she said, "that's that. And now show me _all_ your new clothes."
+
+We spent quite a pleasant evening over one thing and another, and I forgot
+all about the rose-leaves until after she had gone; but when I came back to
+my empty sitting-room they shone in the dusk with a soft radiance which
+came, I discovered, from the writing on them. It glowed like those luminous
+figures on watches which were so entrancing when they first appeared. I had
+never realised before that they were fairy figures.
+
+I spread the petals out on my palm, feeling quite excited at the prospect
+of making my fortune by such means, though I was a little anxious as to how
+I was going to make use of the information I was about to acquire.
+
+"I will ask Cousin Fred," I decided (Cousin Fred being a stockbroker), and
+I smiled a little to myself as I thought how amazed and possibly amused my
+dapper cousin would be when he learnt the source of my knowledge. He might
+even refuse to believe in it--and then where should I be?
+
+I needn't have troubled. When I unfolded my rose-petals this is what I
+read:--
+
+"_Stocks._--The white ones are much the best and have by far the sweetest
+scent.
+
+_Shares._--_Always_ go shares."
+
+R.F.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+HEART OF MINE.
+
+(_Being a rather hysterical contribution from our Analytical Novelist._)
+
+_Friday._--I suppose one never realises till one is actually dead how
+nearly dead one can be without actually being it. You see what I mean? No.
+Well, how blithely, how recklessly one rollicks through life, fondly
+believing that one is in the best of health, in the prime of condition, and
+all the time one is the unconscious victim of some fatal infirmity or
+disease. I mean, take my own case. I went to see my doctor in order to be
+cured of hay fever. He examined my heart. He made me take off my shirt. He
+hammered my chest; he rapped my ribs with his knuckles to see if they
+sounded hollow. I don't know why he did this, but I think he was at one
+time attached to a detective and has got into the habit of looking for
+secret passages and false panels and so on.
+
+Anyhow, he suspected my chest, and he listened at it for so long that any
+miscreant who had been concealed in it would have had to give himself away
+by coughing or blowing his nose.
+
+After a long time he said, "Your heart's dilated. You want a complete rest.
+Don't work. Don't smoke. Don't drink. Don't eat. Don't do anything. Take
+plenty of exercise. Sit perfectly still. Don't mope. Don't rush about. Take
+this before and after every meal. Only don't have any meals." I laughed at
+him. I knew my heart was perfectly sound, much sounder than most men's. I
+went home. I didn't even have the prescription made up.
+
+_Saturday._--Now comes the tragic thing. _That very night I realised that
+he was right._ There _is_ something wrong with my heart. It is too long. It
+is too wide. It is too thick. It is out of place. It would be difficult to
+say _exactly_ where the measurements are wrong, but one has a sort of
+_sense_ ...  you know?... One can feel that it is too large.... A swollen
+feeling.... Somehow I never felt this before; I never even felt that it was
+there ... but now I always know that it is there--trying to get out.... I
+put my hand on it and can feel it definitely expanding--like a football
+bladder. Sometimes I think it wants to get out at my collar-bone; sometimes
+I think it will blow out under my bottom rib; sometimes some other way. It
+is terrible....
+
+I have had the prescription made up.
+
+_Sunday._--The way it beats! Sometimes very fast and heavy and emphatic,
+like a bad barrage of 5.9's. Fortunately my watch has a second-hand, so
+that I can time it--forty-five to the half-minute, ninety-five to the full
+minute. Then I know that the end is very near; everyone knows that the
+normal rate for a healthy adult heart is seventy-two. Then sometimes it
+goes very slow, very dignified and faint, as when some great steamer glides
+in at slow speed to her anchorage, and the engines thump in a subdued and
+profound manner very far away, or as when at night the solemn tread of some
+huge policeman is heard, remote and soft and dilated--I mean dilatory, or
+as when--But you see what I mean.
+
+_Monday._--How was it, I wonder, that all this was hidden from me for so
+long? And now what am I to do? I am a doomed man. With a heart like this I
+cannot last long. I have resigned my clubs; I have given up my work. I can
+think of nothing but this dull pain, this heavy throbbing at my side. My
+work--ha! Yesterday I met another young doctor at tea. He asked me if there
+was any "murmur." I said I did not know--no one had told me. But after tea
+I went away and listened. Yes, there was a murmur; I could hear it plainly.
+I told the young doctor. He said that murmurs were not considered so
+important nowadays. What matters is "the reaction of the heart to work." By
+that test I am doomed indeed. But the murmur is better.
+
+_Tuesday._--I have told Anton Gregorovitch Gregorski. He says he has a
+heart too.
+
+_Wednesday._--I have been learning things to-day. I am worse even than the
+doctor thought. In a reference book in the dining-room there is a medical
+dictionary. It says: "Dilatation leads to dropsy, shortness of breath and
+blueness of the face." I have got some of those already. I have never seen
+a face so blue. It is like the sea in the early morning.
+
+_Thursday._--The heart is bigger again to-day--about an inch each way. The
+weight of it is terrible to carry.... I have to take taxis.... This evening
+it was going at thirty-two to the minute....
+
+_Friday._--Last night, when I tried to count the beats, I could not find
+it.... It must have stopped.... Anton Gregorovitch says it is the end....
+This is my last entry....
+
+_Saturday._--My face is very blue. It is like a forget-me-not ... it is
+like a volume of _Hansard_....
+
+I shall go to see the doctor as I promised ... he can do nothing, but it
+will interest him to see how much bigger the heart has grown in the last
+few days....
+
+No more....
+
+_Sunday._--The doctor said it was much better.... It is undilated again....
+After all I am not going to die. But the reaction to work is still bad.
+This evening I make it sixty to the minute....
+
+_Monday._--This morning's count was seventy-two. It is terrible....
+
+A.P.H.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Sympathetic Old Lady._ "AND WHEN YOU WENT DOWN FOR THE
+THIRD TIME THE WHOLE OF YOUR PAST LIFE OF COURSE FLASHED BEFORE YOUR EYES?"
+
+_Longshore Billy._ "I EXPECT IT DID, MUM, BUT I 'AD 'EM SHUT AT THE TIME,
+SO I MISSED IT."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Mollie._ "AUNTIE, DON'T CATS GO TO HEAVEN?"
+
+_Auntie._ "NO, MY DEAR. DIDN'T YOU HEAR THE VICAR SAY AT THE CHILDREN'S
+SERVICE THAT ANIMALS HADN'T SOULS AND THEREFORE COULD NOT GO TO HEAVEN?"
+
+_Mollie._ "WHERE DO THEY GET THE STRINGS FOR THE HARPS, THEN?"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+FLOWERS' NAMES.
+
+          SHEPHERD'S PURSE.
+
+  There was a silly shepherd lived out at Taunton Dene
+    (Hey-nonny-nonny-no for Taunton in the summer!)
+  And oh, but he was bitter cold! and oh, but he was mean!
+  The maidens vowed a bitterer had never yet been seen
+              At Taunton in the summer.
+
+  He lived to gather in the gold--he loved to hear it chink
+    (Hey-nonny-nonny-no for Taunton in the summer!),
+  And he could only dream of gold--of gold could only think;
+  And all the fairies watched him, and they watched him with a wink
+              At Taunton in the summer.
+
+  At last one summer noonday, when the sky was blue and deep
+    (Hey-nonny-nonny-no for Taunton in the summer!),
+  They made him heavy-headed as he watched beside his sheep
+  And all the little Taunton elves came stealing out to peep
+              At Taunton in the summer.
+
+  They opened wide his wallet and they stole the coins away
+    (Hey-nonny-nonny-no for Taunton in the summer!),
+  They took the round gold pieces and they used them for their play,
+  They rolled and chased and tumbled them and lost them in the hay
+              At Taunton in the summer.
+
+  And when they'd finished playing they used all their magic powers
+    (Hey-nonny-nonny-no for Taunton in the summer!);
+  The silly shepherd woke and wept, he sought his gold for hours,
+  And all he found was drifts and drifts of tiny greenish flowers
+              At Taunton in the summer.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+MORE WORK FOR HIS MAJESTY'S JUDGES.
+
+    "Potato disease has unfortunately made its appearance in the ----
+    district, the early and second early crops being seriously attacked.
+    The late crops are free from disease up to the present, and it is hoped
+    by judicial spraying to save them."--_Local Paper._
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+From an interview with the Superintendent of Regent's Park:--
+
+    "'People seem surprised,' he said, 'when I tell them that within a few
+    minutes' walk of Baker Street Station, and the incessant din of
+    Marylebone Road, such birds as the cuckoo, flycatcher, robin and wren
+    have reared their young.'"--_Observer._
+
+To hear of the cuckoo bringing up its own family in any circumstances was,
+we confess, a little bit of a shock.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "'Idling, my dear fellow!' was Mr. Jerome K. Jerome's decisive answer
+    to my question: 'What do you most like doing at holiday-time?'
+
+    'But if, and only when, I am really driven to exertion, let me have a
+    horse between my legs, a pair of oars, and a billiard-table, and I ask
+    nothing more of the gods.'"--_Answers._
+
+The next time Mr. JEROME indulges in this performance may we be there to
+see.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: THE LEAGUE OF YOUTH.
+
+WAR-WEARY WORLD (_at the Jamboree_). "I WAS NEARLY LOSING HOPE, BUT THE
+SIGHT OF ALL YOU BOYS GIVES IT BACK TO ME."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT.
+
+_Monday, July 26th._--When the Peers were about to discuss the Law of
+Property Bill, which seeks to abolish the distinction between land and
+other property, Lord CAVE dropped a bombshell into the Committee by moving
+to omit the whole of Part I. Lords HALDANE and BUCKMASTER were much upset
+and loudly protested against the proposal to cut out "the very heart and
+substance of the measure." The LORD CHANCELLOR was less perturbed by the
+explosion and was confident that after further discussion he could induce
+the CAVE-dwellers to come into line with modern requirements. Thirty-four
+clauses thus disappeared with a bang; and of the hundred and odd remaining
+only one gave much trouble. Objection was taken to Clause 101, granting the
+public full rights of access to commons, on the grounds _inter alia_ that
+it would give too much freedom to gipsies and too little to golfers. Lord
+SALISBURY, who, like the counsel in a famous legal story, claimed to "know
+a little about manors," was sure that only the lord could deal faithfully
+with the Egyptians, but, fortified by Lord HALDANE'S assurance that the
+clause gave the public no more rights and the lords of the manor no less
+than they had before, the House passed it by 42 to 29.
+
+Mr. BRIDGEMAN, for the Board of Trade, bore the brunt of the early
+questioning in the House of Commons. He sustained with equal
+imperturbability the assaults of the Tariff Reformers, who asserted that
+British toy-making--an "infant industry" if ever there was one--was being
+stifled by foreign imports: and those of the Free Traders, who objected to
+the Government's efforts to resuscitate the dyeing trade.
+
+The alarming rumours in the Sunday papers about the PRIME MINISTER'S state
+of health were effectively dispelled by his appearance on the Front
+Opposition, a little weary-looking, no doubt, but as alert as ever to seize
+the weak point in the adversary's case and to put his own in the most
+favourable light. From the enthusiasm of his announcement that the Soviet
+Government had accepted our invitation to attend a Conference in London,
+one would have thought that the Bolshevists had agreed to the British
+proposals unconditionally and that peace--"that is what the world
+wants"--was now assured.
+
+[Illustration: _David._ "YOU KNOW THE RHYME, GRANDMAMA, THAT SAYS--
+
+        'THIS LITTLE PIG WENT TO MARKET,
+        AND THIS LITTLE PIG STAYED AT HOME'?"
+
+_The Mother of Parliaments._ "YES, DAVID, DEAR. WHY DO YOU MENTION IT?"
+
+_David._ "OH, I WAS MERELY WONDERING WHAT WAS TO BE DONE ABOUT IT."]
+
+Abhorrence of the Government of Ireland Bill is the one subject on which
+all Irishmen appear to think alike. It is, no doubt, with the desire to
+preserve that unanimity that the PRIME MINISTER announced his intention of
+pressing the measure forward after the Recess "with all possible despatch."
+
+But before that date it looks as if Irishmen would have despatched one
+another. The little band of Nationalists had handed in a batch of
+private-notice Questions arising out of the disturbances in Belfast. Their
+description of them as the outcome of an organised attack upon Catholics
+was indignantly challenged by the Ulstermen, and the SPEAKER had hard work
+to maintain order. The contest was renewed on a motion for the adjournment.
+As a means of bringing peace to Ireland the debate was absolutely futile.
+But it enabled Mr. DEVLIN to fire off one of his tragical-comical orations,
+and Sir H. GREENWOOD to disclaim the accusation that he had treated the
+Irish problem with levity. "There is nothing light and airy about me," he
+declared; and no one who has heard his pronunciation of the word "Belfast"
+would doubt it.
+
+Before and after this melancholy interlude good progress was made with the
+Finance Bill, and Mr. CHAMBERLAIN made several further concessions to the
+"family-man."
+
+_Tuesday, July 27th._--The Lords rejected the Health Resorts and Watering
+Places Bill under which local authorities could have raised a penny rate
+for advertising purposes. Lord SOUTHWARK'S well-meant endeavour to support
+the Bill by reminding the House that Irish local authorities had enjoyed
+this power since 1909 was perhaps the proximate cause of its defeat, for it
+can hardly be said that the last few weeks have enhanced the reputation of
+Ireland as a health resort.
+
+Mr. HARMSWORTH utterly confounded the critics of the Passport Office. Its
+staff may appear preposterously large and its methods unduly dilatory, but
+the fact remains that it is one of the few public departments that actually
+pays its way. Last year it spent thirty-seven thousand pounds and took
+ninety-one thousand pounds in fees. "See the world and help to pay for the
+War" should be the motto over its portals.
+
+It is, of course, quite proper that soldiers who wreck the property of
+civilians--albeit under great provocation--should receive suitable
+punishment. But a sailor is hardly the man to press for it. Lieutenant-
+Commander KENWORTHY received a much-needed lesson in etiquette when Major
+JAMESON gravely urged, in his penetrating Scotch voice, that soldiers in
+Ireland should be ordered not to distract the prevailing peace and quiet of
+that country, but should keep to their proper function of acting as targets
+for Sinn Fein bullets.
+
+Mr. CHAMBERLAIN dealt very gingerly with Sir ARTHUR FELL'S inquiry as to
+whether "any ordinary individual can understand the forms now sent out by
+the Income Tax Department?" Fearing that if he replied in the affirmative
+he would be asked to solve some particularly abstruse conundrum, he
+contented himself with saying that the forms were complicated because the
+tax was complicated, and the tax was complicated because of the number and
+variety of the reliefs granted to the taxpayer. It does not seem to have
+occurred to him that it is the duty of the CHANCELLOR OF THE EXCHEQUER to
+make the tax simple as well as equitable. Is it conceivable that he can
+have forgotten ADAM SMITH's famous maxims on the subject, and particularly
+this: "The time of payment, the manner of payment, the quantity to be paid,
+ought all to be clear and plain to the contributor, and to every other
+person"?
+
+[Illustration: MR. BONAR LAW PACKS HIS TRUNKS.]
+
+The House did not rise till half-past one this morning, and was again faced
+with a long night's work. In vain Sir DONALD MACLEAN protested against the
+practice of taking wee sma' Bills in the wee sma' oors. Mr. BONAR LAW was
+obdurate. He supposed the House had not abandoned all hope of an Autumn
+recess. Well, then, had not the poet said that the best of all ways to
+lengthen our days was to steal a few hours from the night?
+
+The Report stage of the Finance Bill was finished off, but not until the
+Government had experienced some shocks. The Corporation tax, intended
+partially to fill the yawning void which will be caused some day by the
+disappearance of E.P.D.--on the principle that one bad tax deserves
+another--was condemned with equal vigour, but for entirely different
+reasons, by Colonel WEDGWOOD and Sir F. BANBURY. They "told" together
+against it and had the satisfaction of bringing the Government majority
+down to fifty-five.
+
+The champions of the Co-operative Societies also put up a strong fight
+against the proposal to make their profits, for the first time, subject to
+taxation. Mr. CHAMBERLAIN declined, however, to put them in a privileged
+position as compared with other traders, but carried his point only by
+sixty-one votes.
+
+_Wednesday, July 28th._--In spite of the limitation of Questions the Member
+for Central Hull still manages to extract a good deal of information from
+the Treasury Bench. This afternoon he learned from Mr. LONG that the Board
+of Admiralty was not created solely for the purpose of satisfying his
+curiosity; and from Mr. KELLAWAY that the equipment of even the most
+versatile Under-Secretary does not include the gift of prophecy.
+
+At long last the House learned the Government decision regarding the
+increase in railway fares. It is to come into force on August 6th, by which
+time the most belated Bank-Holiday-maker should have returned from his
+revels. Mr. BONAR LAW appended to the announcement a surely otiose
+explanation of the necessity of the increase. Everybody knows that railways
+are being run at a loss, due in the main to the increased wages of miners
+and railway-men. Mr. THOMAS rather weakly submitted that an important
+factor was the larger number of men employed, and was promptly met with the
+retort that that was because of the shorter hours worked.
+
+Cheered by the statement of its Leader that he still hoped to get the
+adjournment by August 14th the House plunged with renewed zest into the
+final stage of the Finance Bill. Mr. BOTTOMLEY, whose passion for accuracy
+is notorious, inveighed against the lack of this quality in the Treasury
+Estimates. As for the war-debt, since the Government had failed to "make
+Germany pay," he urged that the principal burden should be left for
+posterity to shoulder.
+
+These sentiments rather shocked Mr. ASQUITH, who, while mildly critical of
+Government methods, was all in favour of "severe, stringent, drastic
+taxation." Mr. CHAMBERLAIN repeated his now familiar lecture to the House
+of Commons, which, while accusing the Government of extravagance, was
+always pressing for new forms of expenditure. In the study of economy he
+dislikes abstractions--except from the pockets of the taxpayer.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "Company's water is on to the house and cowshed."--_Advert. in Daily
+    Paper._
+
+Now we know why our water is sometimes contaminated with milk.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "One of the most striking of the collection of exhibits of fascinating
+    interest [at the Imperial War Museum] is the Air Force map for carrying
+    out the British plan for bombing Berlin. Specimens of the bombs,
+    weighing 3,000 pounds each, are also included in this museum of war
+    souvenirs with the object of demonstrating the resources of the Empire
+    and giving a stimulus to its trade."--_South African Paper._
+
+Motto for British traders: "If at first you don't succeed, try, try
+trinitrotoluene."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE BIRTHDAY PRESENT.
+
+I went into the morning-room with a worried frown upon my brow. Kathleen
+was doing the accounts at the table.
+
+"Kathleen," I said, "it's Veronica's birthday on Wednesday and--"
+
+"What did you say seven eighths were?" said Kathleen. "I asked you last
+week."
+
+"I can't possibly carry complicated calculations in my head from week to
+week," I said; "you should have made a note of it at the time. It's
+Veronica's birthday on Wednesday, and what do you think she wants?"
+
+But Kathleen was enthralled by the greengrocer's book. "Have we really had
+eight cabbages this week?" she said. "We must, I suppose. Greengrocers are
+generally honest; they live so near to nature. Well, now," she shut up her
+books, "what were you saying, dear?"
+
+I sighed, cleared my throat and began again. "It's Veronica's birthday on
+Wednesday, and what do you think she wants? She wants," I said
+dramatically, "a 'frush' from the bird-shop in the village. The ones that
+hang in cages outside the door."
+
+"Well," said Kathleen, "why not?"
+
+"Why not?" I became more than serious. "A daughter of ours has demanded for
+a plaything a caged bird. Psychologically it is an important occasion. Now
+or never must she learn to look upon a caged bird with horror. What I am
+thinking of is the psychological effect upon the child's character. The
+psychological--"
+
+"You needn't worry about Veronica's psychology," said Kathleen. "Veronica's
+psychology is in the right place."
+
+"You misunderstand the meaning of the word," I said loftily. "However, if
+you wish to wash your hands of Veronica's training, if you refuse to cope
+with your own child, I must take it upon myself."
+
+"Do," said Kathleen sweetly; "I'll listen."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+It was Veronica's birthday. We were outside the bird-shop. The thrushes in
+cages hung around the door.
+
+Veronica lifted grave blue eyes to me trustingly. "You promised me a frush,
+darlin'," she said.
+
+Veronica is small for her name and has a disarming habit of introducing
+terms of endearment into her conversation.
+
+"You didn't quite understand me," I said gently. "I said I'd think about
+it."
+
+"Yes, but that means promising, doesn't it? Finking about it _means_
+promising. I _fought_ you meant promising. I fought all night you meant
+promising. Darlin'." The last word was a sentence all by itself.
+
+Kathleen raised her eyebrows when we came out with the bird in the cage.
+
+"This isn't quite the moment," I said with dignity; "it's best to let her
+get it first and realise afterwards."
+
+"Let's all go to Crown Hill now," said Veronica in a voice that admitted of
+no denial.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+We were on Crown Hill. Veronica had hugged the cage to her small bosom all
+the way, making little reassuring noises to its occupant.
+
+"Now," said Kathleen, "hadn't you better begin? Isn't this the psycho--you
+know what moment?"
+
+I took a deep breath and began.
+
+"Veronica," I said, "listen to me for a moment. If you were a little
+bird--"
+
+But she wasn't listening to me. She had held up the little wooden cage,
+opened the clasp of the door and, with a rapt smile on her small shining
+face, was watching the "frush" as he soared into the air with a sudden
+burst of song.
+
+We none of us spoke till he had vanished from sight. Then Veronica broke
+the silence.
+
+"It's all my very own plan," she said proudly. "I planned it all by myself.
+An' all my birfdays I'm going to have one of that nasty man's frushes for a
+present, and we'll all free come up here and let it out--always an' always
+an' for ever an' ever--right up till I'm a hundred."
+
+"Why stop at a hundred?" I murmured, recovering myself with an effort.
+
+But I could not escape Kathleen's eye.
+
+"I hope you feel small," it said.
+
+I did.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _The Colonel._ "_ANYONE_ MAY MISS THE TIDE OR GET STUCK UPON
+A MUD-BANK; BUT TO LOSE THE MATCHES AND FORGET THE WHISKY IS TO PROVE
+YOURSELF UNWORTHY OF THE NAME OF 'YACHTSMAN'!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+RHYMES OF THE UNDERGROUND.
+
+                  I.
+
+  I never heard of Ruislip, I never saw its name,
+  Till Underground advertisements had brought it into fame;
+  I've never been to Ruislip, I never yet have heard
+  The true pronunciation of so singular a word.
+
+  I'd like to go to Ruislip; I'd like to feast my eyes
+  On "scenes of sylvan beauty" that the posters advertise;
+  But, though I long to view the spot, while I am in the dark
+  About its name I dare not face the booking-office clerk.
+
+  Suppose I ventured "Riz-lip" and in answer to his "Eh?"
+  Stammered "Ruse-lip, Rise-lip, Rees-lip," just imagine how he'd say,
+  "Well, where _do_ you want to book to?" and the voices from behind,
+  "Must we wait until this gentleman has ascertained his mind?"
+
+                  II.
+
+  The trains that stop at Down Street--(Sing willow-waly-O!)--
+  They run through Hyde Park Corner as fast as they can go;
+  And trains at Hyde Park Corner that stop--(Oh dearie me!)--
+  Contrariwise at Down Street are "non-stop" as can be.
+
+  There's a man at Down Street Station--he came there years ago
+  To get to Hyde Park Corner--(Sing willow-waly-O!)--
+  And, as the trains go past him, 'tis pitiful to see
+  Him beat his breast and murmur, "Oh dearie, dearie me!"
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    '"The Rev. R.S. ---- has accepted the post of librarian of Pussy House,
+    Oxford."--_Local Paper._
+
+And will soon get to work on the catalogue.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "WANTED--a middle-aged Witty Indian to read Bengali religious books and
+    capable of telling witty and fairy tales from 12 to 3 p.m."--_Indian
+    Paper._
+
+This might suit Mr. GANDHI. If not witty, he is very good at fairy-tales.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+VADE MECUMS.
+
+I have invented a new sort of patience. It is called Vade Mecums. The rules
+are quite simple and all the plant you need for it is a "Vade Mecum"
+traveller's handbook and a complete ignorance of all languages but your
+own. Get one of these fascinating little classics, a passport and a single
+to Boulogne, and you can begin at once.
+
+The game consists in firing off (in the local lingo) every single phrase
+that occurs in the book. The only other rule in the game is that the
+occasion for making each remark must be reasonably apposite. You need not
+keep to the order in the book and no points are awarded for pronunciation,
+provided that the party addressed shows by word or deed that he (or she)
+has understood you. By way of illustration I will give some account of my
+first experiments in this enthralling pastime.
+
+As it happened I was able to start at once--too soon, in fact, to be
+altogether comfortable. We had scarcely put out from Folkestone before I
+got my chance. The sea was distinctly rough, but I just had time to open my
+Vade Mecum at page 228 (sub-heading, "On embarking and what happens at
+sea"), and to read to a passing French steward the first sentence that
+caught my eye. It was as follows: "The wind is very violent; the sea is
+very rough; the waves are very high; the rolling of the vessel makes my
+head ache; I am very much inclined to be sick."
+
+After that I made no more progress till we reached Boulogne; but from the
+steward's subsequent actions I judged that he had understood; so I was one
+up.
+
+My Vade Mecum, like most of its kind, was unfortunately compiled many years
+ago and had never been brought up to date. This, of course, saved me the
+expense of having to hire aeroplanes or even motor-cars, but it landed me
+in quite a number of difficulties at the opposite extreme, as you will see.
+
+For instance, in order to polish off the heading, "Of what may happen on
+the road," I was compelled to obtain a carriage. Judge then my joy when, on
+reaching a carriage builder's, I discovered a whole section tucked away in
+a corner of the book dealing exclusively with that very topic. I can think
+of no other conceivable circumstances under which I could have said, "The
+wheels are in a miserable state; the body is too heavy; the springs are too
+light; the shafts are too short; the pole is too thin; the shape is
+altogether old-fashioned, and the seats are both high and uncomfortable."
+
+Yet now I said it all--in two halves, it is true, and in two different
+shops; but still I said it all. The first half cost me three front teeth,
+which fell out while the outraged _carrossier_ was ejecting me; the second
+cost me a large sum of money, because somehow or other I found I had
+_bought_ the vehicle in question. This I fancy must have been occasioned by
+my turning over two pages at once, so that I suppose I really said, "Mr.
+X., you are an honest man; I will give you ten thousand francs, but on
+condition that you furnish splinter-bars and traces also for that price."
+
+Still one must pay for one's pleasures, and once _en route_ I made short
+work of the "What-may-happen-on-the-road" section. The sentence from which
+I anticipated most trouble was this: "Postilion, stop. A spoke of one of
+the wheels is broken; some of the harness is undone; a spring is also
+broken and one of the horses' shoes is come off." I got out all this
+(without having to tell a lie too) and was just looking feverishly through
+the book to find phrases to describe the ricketty state of every other part
+of the vehicle when the off hind-wheel came in half, the front axle snapped
+and the carriage rolled over on its side stone dead. When I came to myself
+I found that I was comfortably seated in a ditch, my driver beside me and
+my Vade Mecum still open in my hand; so I had the gratification of being
+able to continue the conversation where I had left off. "We should do
+well," I read, "to get out."
+
+I will not detain you long over the difficulties that I had with the
+"Society" section. But I feel I ought to mention the business of the
+Countess, if only to put intending players on their guard. There is a
+puzzling phrase which occurs in answer to the observation, "Pray come
+nearer the fire; I am sure you must be cold." The proper answer is, "No, I
+thank you. I am very well placed here beside the Countess." It took me a
+month to find a Countess, two to meet her in the drawing-room of a mutual
+friend, and four to recover from the hole which the irascible little Count
+made in me when we met next morning on the field of honour.
+
+So I pass sadly and with tears of chagrin to my ultimate defeat. I met my
+Waterloo, my friends, in the section labelled "The Tailor." Requests within
+reason I can comply with, for the fun of the thing. Eatables and drinks,
+suites of rooms and carriages, when ordered on the lavish scale of my Vade
+Mecum, are not exactly _cheap_ now-a-days. But it's about the limit when
+one's Mecum expects one to squander the savings of a lifetime in ordering
+several suits of clothes at once. And yet there it was as large as life,
+the accursed sentence that made me shut the book with a snap and come
+home:--"These coats fit me well, though the cut is not fashionable. I shall
+require also three pairs of trousers, three nankeen pantaloons and four
+waistcoats."
+
+If anyone feels inclined to try my patience--and theirs--I should like to
+mention that I have a nice annotated Mecum and a good second-hand carriage
+for disposal at a very moderate figure.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A VICTIM OF FASHION.
+
+Like everybody else that one knows, Kidger is an ex-service man. During the
+last year of that war on the Continent some time ago he had the acting rank
+of captain, as second in command of a six-mangle army laundry.
+
+When I knew him in pre-war days he was an amiable character, with only two
+serious weaknesses. One of these was an exaggerated fastidiousness about
+clothes, and the other an undue deference to the dicta of the Press. A
+leader in _The Tailor and Cutter_ would make him thoughtful for days. This
+fatal concern about clothing amounted to a mania where neckwear was
+concerned.
+
+In pre-war days he wore the ordinary single, perpendicular variety of
+collar, with sharp turn-over points, starched and white to match his
+shirts.
+
+Before leaving England to join his laundry, Kidger, with a magnificent
+gesture, abandoned his fine collection of collars to his aunt, bidding her
+convert them to some patriotic end. The fond lady, however, fearing lest
+anything should befall her nephew if a hot sector of the line moved up to
+the laundry, preserved them carefully, and Kidger was very glad to reclaim
+them on his demobilisation.
+
+One unfortunate day Kidger's morning paper contained one of those Fashions
+for Men columns, where he learned that the best people were wearing only
+soft collars, as they couldn't stand being cooped up in starch after the
+freedom of uniform. Kidger felt that as an ex-army man it was up to him to
+maintain any military tradition, and he immediately bought several dozen,
+soft white collars with long sharp points. The fellow in the shop said they
+were correct.
+
+A week later another expert mentioned in print that no man who had any
+self-respect wore collars with sharp corners.
+
+Kidger is not a manual worker. He reduced his cigarette allowance and
+bought some round-cornered ones, white as before. And then his aunt
+directed the poor fellow's attention to a paragraph by an authority signing
+himself "The Colonel," which stated that none but the profiteer was wearing
+white collars, and that you might know the man who had done his bit by the
+fact that he wore a blue one with slightly rounded corners, accompanied by
+a self-coloured tie of a darker shade, tied in a neat butterfly bow.
+
+This was a blow to Kidger, but he resigned from his golf club and laid in
+some haberdashery in accordance with "The Colonel's" orders.
+Recommendations would be too mild a word. I saw the paragraph--most
+peremptory.
+
+But in a rival paper "Brigadier" mentioned only three days later that none
+but the most noxious bounder and tout would be found dead in a blue collar
+with a white shirt. Kidger saw the truth of this at once; he had
+receptivity if not intuition. After a trying interview with his banker he
+bought several blue shirts.
+
+Then the General who contributes "Sartorial Tips" to several leading
+journals remarked that, since all kinds of people were wearing coloured
+shirts and collars, the man who desired to retain or achieve that touch of
+distinction which means so much must at any cost wear white ones; and that,
+further, Society was frowning on the slovenly unstarched neck-wear of the
+relapsed temporary gentleman.
+
+Kidger began to show signs of neurasthenia. His stock of pre-war collars
+was exhausted, or rather eroded. His faithful aunt, however, remembered a
+neglected birthday and gave him a dozen new ones, of the up-and-down model,
+to save Kidger's delicate neck. These, with his nice butterfly-bow ties,
+looked really well, and Kidger recovered his old form.
+
+I warned him to keep to the police and Parliamentary news in the papers,
+but his eyes would wander. The result was that he learned from "Brigade
+Major" that the wearing of a butterfly bow with a double event collar was a
+solecism past forgiveness or repentance, and that its smart appearance was
+the deadly bait which caught the miserable bumpkin who ignorantly fancied
+that a man could dress by the light of nature.
+
+Kidger collapsed. His aunt volunteered to sell her annuity and help him,
+but the innate nobility of the man forbade him to accept this useless
+sacrifice.
+
+His medical attendant tells me that he is now allowed to read only poetry,
+wearing a sweater meanwhile, and that arrangements are being made for him
+to join a sheep-farming cousin in Patagonia, where collars are despised and
+newspapers invariably out of date.
+
+W.K.H.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _She._ "I TOLD 'EE TO GREASE THE WHEELS AFORE WE COME OUT."
+
+_He._ "IT BE AS MUCH AS I CAN DO TO KEEP UP WITH IT AS 'TIS."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    A SUPERFLUOUS ANNOUNCEMENT.
+
+    "The Government have found it impossible to proceed with the Government
+    of Ireland before the Autumn Session."--_Daily Paper._
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "Clerk (Junior) Wanted for Spinners' Office, age 1617.--_Yorkshire
+    Paper._
+
+"Junior," we take it, is a misprint.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+EDWARD AND THE B.O.F.
+
+It was the first Sunday of the season, and the select end of Folkesbourne
+revealed in each carefully curled geranium leaf, in each carefully-combed
+blade of grass, the thought and labour expended by the B.O.F. (Borough of
+Folkesbourne).
+
+Upon the greensward stood orderly rows of well-washed chairs, each with
+B.O.F. neatly stencilled upon its back. On this day, however, and at this
+hour (12.30 P.M.) scarce a B.O.F. was visible; each was hidden by a
+well-dressed visitor. And between the orderly rows of well-dressed visitors
+paraded orderly pairs of superbly-dressed visitors.
+
+I was standing at the corner by the steps leading to the lower parade and
+thence to the beach and the rocks where the common people (myself on
+week-days, for instance) go to paddle with their children. I was wearing my
+new pale-grey suit which cost--but you will know more or less what it cost;
+I need not labour an unpleasant subject--and I was actually talking at the
+time to a member of the B.O.F.
+
+"This is Peace at last," he was saying; "the place really begins to look--"
+
+It was at this moment that Edward appeared. His route was the very centre
+of the lawn. He was wearing a battered Panama hat, a much-darned brownish
+jersey, and his nether man--or rather boy, for Edward's years are but
+four--was encased in paddling drawers made of the same material as a
+sponge-bag. Black sand-shoes completed his outfit, and a broken shrimping-
+net trailed behind him. At the moment when Edward first caught my horrified
+eye a particularly well-groomed young gentleman of about his own age caught
+Edward's eye in turn. Edward paused to survey this silken wonder with
+interest. Then, as if prompted thereto by the sight, he snatched off his
+hat and, casting it upon the ground, kicked it vigorously across the grass.
+
+The removal of the hat was the last straw, for Edward's hair is
+provocatively red. My friend of the B.O.F. advanced towards him with the
+intention of exerting authority and restoring discipline. Edward turned at
+the sound of a stern voice. Possibly he might have put out his tongue--you
+never know with Edward. But, what was worse, far worse, he saw me. With a
+glad cry of "Daddy" he rushed to me and, regardless of the fact that his
+front was covered with green slime, the result of going _ventre a pierre_
+over the rocks, he flung his arms round my legs.
+
+I would gladly have sunk into the ground. All eyes were upon us, and
+remained, as I felt, upon me, even when a breathless nursery-maid had
+retrieved Edward and borne him seawards once more.
+
+One especially I had noticed, a very superbly dressed female visitor who
+had paused to witness the whole scene and was now resuming her promenade. I
+dreaded the comment which I felt I should overhear as she passed me--"What
+a horrible child!" it would be at the very least. But women are strangely
+unaccountable, even in so highly civilised an atmosphere as this. I
+distinctly heard her say, "What a darling!"
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Mother._ "IT IS VERY NAUGHTY TO TELL UNTRUTHS, KITTY. THOSE
+WHO DO SO NEVER GET TO HEAVEN."
+
+_Kitty._ "DIDN'T YOU EVER TELL AN UNTRUTH, MUMMY?"
+
+_Mother._ "NO, DEAR--NEVER."
+
+_Kitty._ "WELL, YOU'LL BE FEARFULLY LONELY, WON'T YOU, WITH ONLY GEORGE
+WASHINGTON?"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE HORRORS OF PEACE.
+
+    "Wanted.--Boy for Butchering, about 15 years old."--_Local Paper._
+
+Extract from a solicitor's letter:--
+
+    "The sale of the above premises is now nearing completion and we expect
+    to have the conveyance ready for execution in the course of a short
+    period the length of which depends to some extent upon how soon we can
+    obtain the execution of the Bishop."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+NEO-TOPICS.
+
+  There was a young neo-DELANE
+  Whose writing was frequently sane;
+      But the name of LLOYD GEORGE
+      So uplifted his gorge
+  That it threatened to swallow his brain.
+
+  There was an adored neo-Queen
+  Who ruled the whole world on the screen;
+      She simply knocked spots
+      Off poor MARY OF SCOTS,
+  But she doubled the gloom of our Dean.
+
+  There was an advanced neo-Georgian,
+  Or perhaps we should say Georgy-Porgian,
+      When asked to declare
+      What his principles were,
+  He invariably answered, "Pro-Borgian."
+
+  There was a great neo-Art critic
+  Whose style was extremely mephitic;
+      He treated VAN GOGH
+      And CEZANNE as dead dog,
+  And JOHN as a growth parasitic.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+OUR BLOATED PLURALISTS.
+
+    "Wanted, Organist. Small country church. Salary L20. Good lodgings.
+    (Could be held with post of Milker on Manor Farm; permanent work;
+    Sundays free; ample salary.)"--_Church Times._
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "The Grimsby trawler Silurian has towed Sir George Grahame, Minister
+    Plenipotentiary in Paris, to be his Majesty's Ambassador Extraordinary
+    and Plenipotentiary to the King of the Belgians."--_Provincial Paper._
+
+We really think the Government might have provided him with a torpedo-boat.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "The one thing which the Cabinet does not intend to do is to authorise
+    the proclamation of marital law. It would engage far too many troops."
+    --_Provincial Paper._
+
+The Irish girls are _so_ attractive.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "A friend of mine bought from a bookseller who was also, oddly enough,
+    a bibliophile himself, a copy of Arnold's very rare book, _The Strayed
+    Revetter_, by A. He gave 6d. It is worth L5."--_Book Post._
+
+Surely more than that!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "An Ipswichomnibus pushed its bonnet through the window of a millinery
+    shop."--_Daily Paper._
+
+This intelligent animal (believed to be the female of the Brontosaurus) was
+probably seeking a change of headgear.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Tripper._ "I'VE A BLOOMIN' GOOD MIND TO REPORT YOU FOR
+PROFITEERING."
+
+_Old Salt._ "WHAT YER TALKIN' ABOUT?"
+
+_Tripper._ "WELL, THEM SHRIMPS I BOUGHT OFF YOU. ONE OF EM'S GOT ONLY ONE
+EYE."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+OUR BOOKING-OFFICE.
+
+(_By Mr. Punch's Staff of Learned Clerks._)
+
+I rather wish that the publishers of _Invincible Minnie_ (HODDER AND
+STOUGHTON) had not permitted themselves to print upon the wrapper either
+their own comments or those of Miss ELISABETH SANXAY HOLDING, the author.
+Because for my part, reading these, I formed the idea (entirely wrong) that
+the book would be in some way pretentious and affected; whereas it is the
+simple truth to call it the most mercilessly impersonal piece of fiction
+that I think I ever read. There is far too much plot for me to give you any
+but a suggestion of it. The story is of the lives of two sisters, _Frances_
+and _Minnie_; mostly (as the title implies) of _Minnie_. To say that no one
+but a woman would have dared to imagine such a heroine, much less to follow
+her, through every phase of increasing hatefulness, to her horrid
+conclusion is to state an obvious truism. It is incidentally also to give
+you some idea of the kind of person _Minnie_ is, that female Moloch,
+devastating, all-sacrificing, beyond restraint.... As for Miss HOLDING, the
+publishers turned out to be within the mark in claiming for her "a new
+voice." I don't, indeed, for the moment recall any voice in the least like
+it, or any such method; too honest for irony, too detached for sentiment
+and, as I said above, entirely merciless. Towards the end I found myself
+falling back on the old frightened protest, "People don't do these things."
+I still cling to this belief, but the fact remains that Miss HOLDING has a
+haunting trick of persuading one that they might. Minor faults, such as an
+irritating idiom and some carelessness of form, she will no doubt correct;
+meanwhile you have certainly got to read--"to suffer" would be the apter
+word--this remarkable book, whose reception I await with curiosity.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A much misunderstood man is Count BERNSTORFF, formerly German Ambassador at
+Washington. While we were all supposing him to be a bomb-laden conspirator,
+pulling secret strings in Mexico or Canada or Japan from the safe
+protection afforded to his embassy, really he was the most innocent of men,
+anxious for nothing but to keep unsophisticated America from being trapped
+by the wiles of the villain Britisher. One has it all on the best of
+authority--his own--in _My Three Years in America_ (SKEFFINGTON). Of course
+awkward incidents did occur, which have to be explained away or placidly
+ignored, but really, if the warlords at home had not been so invincibly
+tactless in the matter of drowning citizens of the United States, this
+simple and ingenuous diplomat might very well have succeeded, he would have
+us believe, in persuading President WILSON to declare in favour of a
+peace-loving All-Highest. As an essay in special pleading the book does not
+lack ingenuity, and as an example of the familiar belief that other peoples
+will shut their eyes and swallow whatever opinions the Teuton thinks good
+to offer them, it may have interest for the psychologist. For the rest it
+is a very prosy piece of literature, only saved occasionally in its dulness
+by the unconscious crudity of the hatreds lurking beneath its mask of
+plausibility. One of these hatreds is clearly directed against Ambassador
+GERARD, to whose well-known book this volume is in some sort a counter-
+blast. Neither a historian seeking truth nor a plain reader seeking
+recreation will have any difficulty in choosing between them.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Mr. D.A. BARKER, in _The Great Leviathan_ (LANE), doesn't merely leave you
+to make the obvious remark about his having taken Mr. H.G. WELL'S loose,
+tangential and, for a beginner, extraordinarily dangerous method as a
+model, but rubs it in (stout fellow!) by transplanting his hero to India,
+seemingly in order to have excuse for writing a passage which one would say
+was obviously inspired by that gorgeous description of the jungle in _The
+Research Magnificent_. Mr. BARKER has enough matter for two (or three)
+novels and enough skill in portraiture to make them more coherent and
+plausible than this. The theme is old but freshly seen. _Tom Seton_,
+resolved to avoid risking for his beloved the unhappiness which his mother
+had found in the bondage of marriage, offers her--indeed imposes on her--a
+free union. How the pressure of _The Great Leviathan_ (_Mrs. Grundy_--well,
+that's not perhaps quite the whole of the idea, but it will serve) drove
+her into the shelter of a formal marriage with a devoted don, I leave you
+to gather. I don't think the author quite succeeds in making _Mary's_
+defection inevitable, nor do I see the significance of the apparently quite
+irrelevant background of Indian philosophy and intrigue. But here's a
+well-written book, with sound positive qualities outweighing the defects of
+inexperience.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Captain ALAN BOTT ("Contact") has a literary gift of a high order, the gift
+of getting the very last thrill out of his experiences while telling his
+tale in the simplest and most straightforward way. In _Eastern Nights_
+(BLACKWOOD) he describes his adventures as a prisoner of the Turks, first
+in Damascus and Asia Minor and finally in Constantinople. The narrative,
+which is purely one of action, the action being supplied by the efforts,
+finally successful, of the author and various brother-officers to escape
+from their most unattractive captivity, nevertheless offers a most vivid
+picture of the social fabric of the Near East and in particular of the
+attitude of the _melange_ of Oriental peoples that comprised the Turkish
+Empire towards the War in which they found themselves taking part, most of
+them with reluctance and all inefficiently. Apathy rather than calculated
+brutality was chiefly responsible for the hardships suffered by the
+prisoners of war of all nations who were unfortunate enough to fall into
+Turkish hands. From the point of view of an officer determined to escape,
+however, the prevalence of this quality was not without its advantage. Most
+of the officials (Turks and Germans excepted) with whom Captain BOTT and
+his fellow-officers had to do were pro-Ally at heart and ready enough to
+assist an escaping prisoner if they did not happen to be too timid. And
+even the Turk was amenable on occasion to baksheesh. Altogether a most
+fascinating book, _Eastern Nights_ is likely to win wide appreciation not
+alone for its literary merit but as a stirring record of the courage and
+resource, under desperate and trying conditions, of the Empire's soldiers.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Miss HENRIETTA LESLIE belongs to the school of novelists who believe in
+telling you all about their characters and leaving you to pass judgment on
+them yourself, without expert assistance. It is a fine impartial method
+which succeeds in representing life and the indecisiveness of human nature
+very well; but such books somehow lack the glow of more partisan writings.
+In _A Mouse with Wings_ (COLLINS) she tells the story of a woman's life
+from the time of her engagement until her son is a young man and she
+herself married again. _Olga_ is a splendid creature, but, as Miss LESLIE
+cleverly lets you see for yourself, the belief in her own principles and
+their application, which is the essence of her character, alienates her
+husband and makes something like a ninny of _Arnold_, her son. _A Mouse
+with Wings_ is not only the sobriquet of _Beryl_, the cheerful young
+Suffragette whom he loves, but has its application also to poor _Arnold_,
+who finds the courage to face life and a way out of it fighting in France.
+It is a nicely-written book with a little air of distinction, but, in case
+anyone should blame me for hushing it up, I ought to mention that both
+_Olga_ and _Beryl_ would probably have admired _Arnold_ a great deal more
+had he "found himself" by way of Conscientious Objection.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+I can testify that Mr. ZANE GREY'S _The Man of the Forest_ (HODDER AND
+STOUGHTON) is a yarn told with considerable zest and with just that
+undercurrent of sentiment which sweeps large portions of the British public
+completely off its feet. In this book the heroine, _Helen Rayner_, and her
+sister, _Bo_, leave Missouri for their uncle's ranch in New Mexico; but
+before they reach their destination many and wonderful adventures befall
+them. To escape from being kidnapped by some superb scoundrels they were
+hustled off to _Milt Dale's_ home in the forest, and there they had for a
+long time to remain. _Milt_ was one of nature's gentlemen, but as his boon
+companion was a cougar (whose uninviting picture is to be seen upon the
+paper cover), this forest home had its slight inconveniences. Mr. GREY,
+however, writes of it so admirably that he almost persuades me to be a
+camper-out, provided always that I may live in a cavern and not in a
+caravan. Cowboys, bandits, Mormons and other vigorous characters keep
+things moving at a terrific pace. But stirringly full of incident as this
+tale is, Mr. GREY never forgets that it is love that really makes the world
+go round. He is in short a born storyteller, with a style by no means to be
+despised, and I see no reason why his popularity should not continue to wax
+here, and ultimately to rival its American magnitude.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: ATMOSPHERE IN OUR RIVER BUNGALOWS.
+
+_Hostess_ (_to her husband, just arrived from Town_). "YOU'VE FORGOTTEN THE
+CHOP-STICKS, JOHN. YOU'VE SPOILT THE PARTY!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+ANOTHER GEDDES PROMOTION.
+
+    "Among celebrities who will watch British seamanship matched against
+    American are Franklin D. Roosevelt, Assistant Secretary of the Navy,
+    and Sir Auckland Geddes, British Admiral to the United States."--
+    _Canadian Paper._
+
+
+
+
+
+
+End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol.
+159, August 4th, 1920, by Various
+
+*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH ***
+
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