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+The Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 159,
+August 4th, 1920, by Various
+
+This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with
+almost no restrictions whatsoever.  You may copy it, give it away or
+re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included
+with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org
+
+
+Title: Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 159, August 4th, 1920
+
+Author: Various
+
+Release Date: August 31, 2005 [EBook #16628]
+
+Language: English
+
+Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1
+
+*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH ***
+
+
+
+
+Produced by Jonathan Ingram, Keith Edkins and the Online
+Distributed Proofreading Team at https://www.pgdp.net
+
+
+
+
+
+PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
+
+VOL. 159.
+
+
+
+August 4th, 1920.
+
+
+
+
+CHARIVARIA.
+
+A drought is reported from India and Eastern Africa. Considering the amount
+of water which has recently escaped from clouds over here it is not
+surprising to find that they are feeling the pinch in other countries.
+
+* * *
+
+A correspondent writes to a weekly paper inquiring when Sir ERIC GEDDES was
+born. We admire the fellow's restraint in not asking "Why?"
+
+* * *
+
+We understand that one wealthy connoisseur has decided to give up buying
+Old Masters in order to save up for the purchase of a railway ticket.
+
+* * *
+
+_The Daily Mail_ points out that Lord NORTHCLIFFE has left England for the
+Continent. Sir ERIC GEDDES is said to have remarked that he will catch his
+lordship coming back.
+
+* * *
+
+A gentleman who is about to travel to a South Coast resort writes to
+inquire what his position will be if some future Government reduces the
+railway fares before he arrives at his destination.
+
+* * *
+
+In view of the increased railway fares there is some talk of starting a
+Mansion House Fund to convey Scotsmen home from England before it is too
+late.
+
+* * *
+
+Of the new railway rates it can be said that those who go farthest will
+fare worse.
+
+* * *
+
+With reference to the man who was seen laughing in the Strand the other
+day, it should be pointed out that he is not an English tax-payer but a
+Colonial who was catching the boat home next morning.
+
+* * *
+
+A Christmas-card posted at Farnham in December, 1905, has just been
+delivered at Ivychurch. The theory is that the postal authorities mistook
+it for a business communication.
+
+* * *
+
+The monocle is coming into fashion once again, and it is thought that a
+motorist wearing one goggle will soon be quite a common sight.
+
+* * *
+
+In view of their unwieldiness and size it is being urged that motor
+charabancs should be required to carry a special form of hooter, to be
+sounded only when there is no room for a vehicle coming in the other
+direction to pass. A more elaborate system of signals is also suggested,
+notably two short squawks and a long groan, to signify "My pedestrian, I
+think."
+
+* * *
+
+According to a County Court judge it is the duty of every motorist who
+knocks down a pedestrian to go back and ask the man if he is hurt. But
+surely the victim cannot answer such a question off-hand without first
+consulting his solicitor.
+
+* * *
+
+A great pilgrimage of house-hunters has visited the enormous marrow which
+is growing in an allotment at Ingatestone, but the strong military guard
+sent to protect it has succeeded up to the present in frustrating all
+attempts to occupy it.
+
+* * *
+
+A motor fire-engine dashed into a draper's shop in the North of London last
+Tuesday week. We understand that one of the firemen with great presence of
+mind justified his action by immediately setting fire to the building.
+
+* * *
+
+A petrified fish about fifty feet long has been discovered in Utah. This is
+said to be the largest sardine and the smallest whale America has ever
+produced.
+
+* * *
+
+Building operations were interrupted in North London last week, when a
+couple of sparrows built a nest on some foundations just where a bricklayer
+was due to lay a brick the next day.
+
+* * *
+
+Six tourists motoring through the mountainous district of Ardèche
+Department fell a thousand feet down a precipice, but escaped without
+injury. We understand that in spite of many tempting offers from
+cinematograph companies the motorists have decided not to repeat the
+experiment.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _The Girl._ "ISN'T THAT MR. JONES BOWLING?"
+
+_The Enthusiast._ "YES. THE OTHER DAY HE TOOK THREE WICKETS FOR SIX."
+
+_The Girl._ "HOW DREADFUL! I'D NO IDEA HE DRANK."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+SOLVING THE HOLIDAY FARE PROBLEM.
+
+"None but the rich can pay the fare" is as true at this moment as when the
+words were first penned.
+
+The reference, of course, is to the return fare, for the single fare of
+tomorrow is hardly more than we paid without complaint in years gone by for
+the journey there and back.
+
+How comparatively few people seem to be aware that the solution of the
+difficulty lies in not returning. Could anything be simpler?
+
+Nobody wants to return. In preparing for a holiday our thoughts are
+concentrated on when to go, where to go and how to get there. Who bothers
+himself about when to come back, where to come back from, and how to do it?
+After all, holiday-making is not to be confused with prize-fighting.
+
+That we have come back in the past has been due as much to custom as to
+anything. Someone introduced the silly fashion of returning from holidays,
+and we have unthinkingly acquired the habit. Once we shake off this holiday
+convention the problem of the return fare is solved.
+
+Just stay where you are and all will be well. Sooner or later your friends
+or your employer (if your return is really considered desirable) will send
+a money-order. But that is their look-out. The point is that the return
+fare need not trouble _you_. And you can please yourself as to what you buy
+with the money-order.
+
+Why all this outcry then about the cost of travelling in the holiday
+season?
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "M. Lappas, the young Greek tenor whose début last season won him a
+    host of fiends."--_Daily Paper._
+
+As _Mephistopheles_, we presume.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "Lost, Monday, July 19th, silver purse containing 10s. note and
+    photographs; also lady's bathing costume."--_Local Paper._
+
+Wrapped up in the "Fisher," no doubt.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+  I once knew a bowler named Patrick
+  Who, after performing the "hat-trick,"
+      Remarked, as he bowed
+      His respects to the crowd,
+  "It's nothing: I often do that trick!"
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+BADLY SYNGED.
+
+The scene is the morning-room of the Smith-Hybrows' South London residence.
+It is the day following the final performance of the Smith-Hybrows'
+strenuous season of J.M. SYNGE drama, undertaken with the laudable
+intention of familiarising the suburb with the _real_ Irish temperament and
+the works of the dramatist in question.
+
+Mrs. Smith-Hybrow is seated at the breakfast-table, her head buried behind
+the coffee urn. She is opening her letters and "keening" softly as she
+rocks in her chair.
+
+_Mrs. Smith-Hybrow_ (_scanning a letter_). Will I be helping them with the
+sale of work? It's little enough the like of me will be doing for them the
+way I was treated at the last Bazaar, when Mrs. McGupperty and Mrs.
+Glyn-Jones were after destroying me with the cutting of the sandwiches. And
+was I not there for three days, from the rising of the blessed sun to the
+shining of the blessed stars, cutting and cutting, and never a soul to bear
+witness to the destroying labour of it, and the two legs of me like to give
+way with the great weariness (_keens_)? I'll have no call this year to be
+giving in to their prayers and beseechings, and I won't care the way the
+Curate will be after trying to come round me, with his eyes looking at me
+the way the moon kisses the drops of dew on the hedgerows when the road is
+white.
+
+    [_Opens another letter, keening the while in a slightly higher key.
+    Enter_ Gertrude Smith-Hybrow. _She crosses to the window and stares
+    out._
+
+_Gertrude._ There are black clouds in the sky, and the wind is breaking in
+the west and making a great stir with the trees, and they are hitting one
+on the other. And there is rain falling, falling from the clouds, and the
+roads be wet.
+
+_Mrs. S.-H._ It is your mackintosh you will be wanting when you are after
+going to the Stores.
+
+_Gertrude_ (_coming to the table and speaking with dull resentment_). And
+why should I be going to the Stores the way I have enough to do with a
+meeting of the League for Brighter Homes and a luncheon of the Cubist
+Encouragement Society? Isn't it a queer hard thing that Dora cannot be
+going to the Stores, and her with time enough on her hands surely?
+
+    [_Sits in her place and begins keening. While she has been speaking
+    Dora has entered hurriedly, buttoning her jumper._
+
+_Dora_ (_vigorously_). And is it you, Gertrude Smith-Hybrow, that will be
+talking about me having time on my hands? May the saints forgive you for
+the hard words, and me having to cycle this blessed day to Mrs.
+Montgomery's lecture on the Dadaist Dramatists, and the méringues and the
+American creams to be made for to-night's Tchekoff Conversazione. Is it not
+enough for a girl to be destroyed with the play-acting, and the wind like
+to be in my face the whole way and the rain falling, falling?
+
+    [_Sits in her place and keens._
+
+_Mrs. S.-H._ (_after an interval of keening_). Is it your father that will
+be missing his train this morning, Dora Smith-Hybrow?
+
+_Dora_ (_rousing herself and selecting an egg_). It is my father that will
+be missing his train entirely, and it is his son that would this minute be
+sleeping the blessed daylight away had I not let fall upon him a sponge
+that I had picked out of the cold, cold water.
+
+_Gertrude._ It is a flapper you are, Dora Smith-Hybrow.
+
+_Dora._ It is a flapper you will never be again, Gertrude Smith-Hybrow,
+though you be after doing your queer best to look like one.
+
+_Mrs. S.-H._ Whisht! Is it the time for loose talk, with the wind rising,
+rising, and the rain falling, falling, and the price of butter up another
+threepence this blessed morning?
+
+    [_They all three recommence keening. Enter_ Mr. Smith-Hybrow _followed
+    by_ Cyril.
+
+_Mr. S.-H._ (_staunching a gash in his chin_). Is it not a hard thing for a
+man to be late for his breakfast and the rain falling, falling, and the
+wind rising, rising. It's destroyed I am with the loss of blood and no food
+in my stomach would keep the life in a flea.
+
+    [_Sits in his place and opens his letters savagely._ Cyril, _a
+    cadaverous youth, stares gloomily into the depths of the marmalade._
+
+_Cyril_ (_dreamily_). There's gold and gold and gold--caverns of gold. And
+there's a woman with hair of gold and eyes would pick the locks of a man's
+soul, and long shining hands like pale seaweed. Is it not a terrible thing
+that a man would have to go to the City when there is a woman with gold
+hair waiting for him in the marmalade pot--waiting to draw him down into
+the cold, cold water?
+
+_Dora._ Is it another spongeful you are wanting, Cyril Smith-Hybrow, and
+myself destroyed entirely waiting for the marmalade?
+
+    [Cyril _blushes, passes the marmalade, sits down languidly and selects
+    an egg._ Mrs. S.-H. _pours out the coffee and resumes her keening._
+
+_Mr. S.-H._ (_glaring at her_). Is it not a nice thing for the wife of a
+respectable City stockbroker to sit at the breakfast-table making a noise
+like that of a cow that is waiting to be milked?
+
+_Mrs. S.-H._ (_hurt_). It is keening I am.
+
+_Gertrude_ (_passing him "The Morning Post"_). Is it not enough that the
+price of butter is up another threepence this blessed day, and the wind
+rising, rising, and the rain falling, falling?
+
+_Mr. S.-H._ It is destroyed we shall all be entirely.
+
+_Cyril_ (_gazing into the depths of his egg_). There was a strange queer
+dream I was after having the night that has gone. It was on the rocks I
+was....
+
+_Mr. S.-H._ (_glaring at the market reports_). It is on the rocks we shall
+all be.
+
+_Cyril._ ... on the rocks I was by the sea-shore ...
+
+_Dora_ (_slightly hysterically_). With the wind rising, rising?
+
+_Cyril_ (_nodding_). ... and the rain falling, falling. And a woman of the
+chorus drove up in a taxi, and the man that had the driving of it was
+eating an orange. The woman came and sat by the side of me, and the
+peroxide in her hair made it gleam like the pale gold coins that were in
+the banks before the Great War (_more dreamily_). Never a word said she
+when I hung a chain of cold, cold sausages about her neck, but her eyes
+were shining, shining, and into my hands she put a tin of corned beef. And
+it is destroyed I was with the love of her, and would have kissed her lips
+but I saw the park-keeper coming, coming out of the sea for tickets, and I
+fled from the strange queer terror of it, and found myself by a lamp-post
+in Hackney Wick with the wind rising, rising, and the rain falling,
+falling.
+
+    [_He stops. The others stare at him and at one another in piteous
+    inquiry. The women begin keening._ Mr. S.-H. _seizes the remaining egg
+    and cracks it viciously._
+
+_Mr. S.-H._ (_falling back in his chair_). Damnation!
+
+    [_The air is filled with a pungent matter-of-fact odour._ Dora,
+    _holding her handkerchief to her nose, rushes valiantly at the offender
+    and hurls it out of the window on to a flower-bed. The_ SYNGE _spell is
+    broken._
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Mr. Punch begs to thank the seven hundred and forty-three correspondents
+who have so thoughtfully drawn his attention to the too familiar fact that
+"there's many a slip 'twixt the Cup and the LIPTON."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: THE BLUE RIBBON OF THE SEA.
+
+COLUMBIA. "YOUR HEALTH, SIR THOMAS, AND BETTER LUCK NEXT TIME."
+
+SIR THOMAS LIPTON. "'BUT LEAVE A KISS WITHIN THE CUP AND [_very tactfully_]
+I'LL NOT ASK FOR WINE.'"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Professional_ (_to self-made man having his first lesson_).
+"YOU'VE HIT THIS ONE HARD ENOUGH, SIR, AND NO MISTAKE. WHY, I'VE NEVER SEEN
+A BALL GASHED LIKE THAT BEFORE."
+
+_Self-made Man._ "WELL, LAD, AH MOSTLY DO GET RESULTS FROM ONYTHING AH
+TAKES OOP."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE SUCCULENT COMEDIANS.
+
+Among the literary and artistic treasures of American collectors the
+manuscript of LAMB'S essay on Roast Pig is eminent. I have seen this
+rarity, which is now in the strong room where Mr. PIERPONT MORGAN keeps his
+autographs safe equally from fire and from theft--if not from the desire to
+thieve. Much did I covet in this realm of steel, and LAMB'S MS. not least.
+The essay occupies both sides of large sheets of foolscap, written in a
+minute hand, with very few corrections, both the paper and the time
+occupied in transcription, if not also in actual composition, being, I
+should guess, the East India Company's. It is not, I imagine, the first
+draft, but the first fair copy after all the changes had been made and the
+form was fixed; and its author, if he is in any position to know what is
+going forward on a planet which he left some six-and-eighty years ago, must
+have been amused when he heard that so much money--thousands and thousands
+of dollars--had been given for it at auction the other day.
+
+Reading the essay again, in the faded ink on the yellowing paper, I
+realised once more that everything that can be said about little pigs, dead
+and ripe for the eater, had been said here and said finally. But the
+living? That very evening I was to find little live pigs working for their
+maintenance under conditions of which I had never dreamed, in an
+environment less conducive, one would suppose, to porcine activity than any
+that could be selected.
+
+It was at Coney Island, that astonishing permanent and magnified Earl's
+Court Exhibition, summer Blackpool and August-Bank-Holiday-Hampstead-Heath,
+which New York supports for its beguilement. In this domain of switchbacks
+and chutes, merry-go-rounds and shooting-galleries, dancing-halls and
+witching waves, vociferous and crowded and lit by a million lamps, I came
+suddenly upon the Pig Slide and had a new conception of what quadrupeds can
+do for man.
+
+The Pig Slide, which was in one of the less noisy quarters of Luna Park,
+consisted of an enclosure in which stood a wooden building of two storeys,
+some five yards wide and three high. On the upper storey was a row of six
+or eight cages, in each of which dwelt a little live pig, an infant of a
+few weeks. In the middle of the row, descending to the ground, was an
+inclined board, with raised edges, such as is often installed in swimming-
+baths to make diving automatic, and beneath each cage was a hole a foot in
+diameter. The spectators and participants crowded outside the enclosure,
+and the thing was to throw balls, which were hired for the purpose, into
+the holes. Nothing could exceed the alert and eager interest taken by the
+little pigs in the efforts of the ball-throwers. They quivered on their
+little legs; they pressed their little noses against the bars of the cages;
+their little eyes sparkled; their tails (the only corkscrews left in
+America) curled and uncurled and curled again: and with reason, for
+whereas, if you missed--as was only too easy--nothing happened, if you
+threw accurately the fun began, and the fun was also theirs.
+
+This is what occurred. First a bell rang and then a spring released the
+door of the cage immediately over the hole which your ball had entered, so
+that it swung open. The little pig within, after watching the previous
+infirmity of your aim with dejection, if not contempt, had pricked up his
+ears on the sound of the bell, and now smiled a gratified smile,
+irresistible in infectiousness, and trotted out, and, with the smile
+dissolving into an expression of absolute beatitude, slid voluptuously down
+the plank: to be gathered in at the foot by an attendant and returned to
+its cage all ready for another such adventure.
+
+It was for these moments and their concomitant changes of countenance that
+you paid your money. To taste the triumph of good marksmanship was only a
+fraction of your joy; the greater part of it consisted in liberating a
+little prisoner and setting in motion so much ecstasy.
+
+We do not use baby pigs in this entertaining way in England. At the most we
+hunt them greased. But when other beguilements weary we might. The
+R.S.P.C.A. could not object, the little pets are so happy. And what a
+privilege is theirs, both alive and dead, to enchant creation's lord.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Ordinary Artist_ (_to Ultra-Modern ditto_). "HOW TOPPING
+THOSE KIDDIES LOOK WITH THE SUN ON THEM! OH, I FORGOT--I MEAN THOSE THINGS
+SPLASHING ABOUT OVER THERE. OF COURSE YOU DON'T SEE THEM AS HUMAN BEINGS."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "In order to give a lead in economy King George and Queen Mary and a
+    number of peeresses have decided not to wear plumes or tulle veils at
+    the opening of Parliament."--_Australian Paper._
+
+Very self-sacrificing of HIS MAJESTY.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "'My husband says I must leavee teo-night,' said a wife at Acton. 'Oh,
+    hee eceanee't givee you ... notice to quit,' said the magistrate."--
+    _Evening Paper._
+
+His worship seems to have settled the matter with e's.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE MINISTERING ANGEL.
+
+    [Yawning, it is now claimed, is an excellent thing for the health.]
+
+  Stretched prone upon my couch of pain,
+    An ache in every limb,
+  Fell influenza having slain
+    My customary _vim_,
+  I mused, disconsolate, about
+    The pattern of my pall,
+  When lo! I heard a step without
+    And Thomson came to call.
+
+  "Your ruddy health," I told him, "mocks
+    A hand too weak to grip
+  The tea-cup with its captive ox
+    And raise it to my lip;"
+  To which he answered he had come
+    To bring for my delight
+  Red posies of geranium
+    And roses pink and white.
+
+  'Twas kind of Thomson thus to seek
+    To mitigate my gloom,
+  But why did he proceed to speak
+    Of how he'd reared each bloom,
+  Telling in language far from terse
+    On what his blossoms fed
+  And how he made the greenfly curse
+    The day that it was bred?
+
+  He told me how he rose at dawn
+    To titivate the land
+  ('Twas here that I began to yawn
+    Behind a courteous hand),
+  And how he thought his favourite pea
+    Had found the soil too dry
+  (And here I feared my yawns would be
+    Apparent to his eye).
+
+  On fruit and blossom good and bad
+    He rambled on unchecked,
+  Until his conversation had
+    Such curative effect
+  That in the end it drove away
+    My weak despondent mood.
+  I clasped his hand and blessed the day
+    He came to do me good.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "MORE DEARER PUBLICATIONS."--_Daily Mail._
+
+More dearer nor what they was? Dear, dear!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+From _Young India_, the organ of Mr. GANDHI:--
+
+    "In our last issue the number of those in receipt of relief is given at
+    500. This is a printer's devil. The number is 5,000."
+
+Mr. GANDHI ought to exorcise that devil.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "The tests were entirely satisfactory, and the pilot manoeuvred for a
+    quarter of an hour at a height of 500 metres and a speed of 150
+    millimetres an hour."--_Aeronautics._
+
+This is believed to be the nearest approach to "hovering" that has yet been
+achieved by a machine.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+NITRATES.
+
+  All alone I went a-walking by the London Docks one day,
+  For to see the ships discharging in the basins where they lay;
+  And the cargoes that I saw there they were every sort and kind,
+  Every blessed brand of merchandise a man could bring to mind;
+  There were things in crates and boxes, there was stuff in bags and bales,
+  There were tea-chests wrapped in matting, there were Eastern-looking
+      frails,
+  There were baulks of teak and greenheart, there were stacks of spruce and
+      pine,
+  There was cork and frozen carcasses and casks of Spanish wine,
+  There was rice and spice and cocoa-nuts, and rum enough was there
+  For to warm all London's innards up and leave a drop to spare;
+
+  But of all the freights I found there, gathered in from far and wide,
+  All the smells both nice and nasty from the Pool to Barkingside,
+  All the harvest of the harbours from Bombay to Montreal,
+  There was one that took my fancy first and foremost of them all;
+  It was neither choice nor costly, it was neither rich nor rare
+  And, in most ways you can think of, it was neither here nor there,
+  It was nothing over-beautiful to smell nor yet to see--
+  Only bags of stuffy nitrate--but it meant a lot to me.
+
+  I forgot the swarming stevedores, I forgot the dust and din,
+  And the rattle of the winches hoisting cargo out and in,
+  And the rusty tramp before me with her hatches open wide,
+  And the grinding of her derricks as the sacks went overside;
+  I forgot the murk of London and the dull November sky--
+  I was far, ay, far from England, in a day that's long gone by.
+
+  I forgot the thousand changes years have brought in ships and men,
+  And the knots on Time's old log-line that have reeled away since then,
+  And I saw a fast full-rigger with her swelling canvas spread,
+  And the steady trade-wind droning in her royals overhead,
+  Fleecy trade-clouds on the sky-line--high above the Tropic blue--
+  And the curved arch of her foresail and the ocean gleaming through;
+  I recalled the Cape Stiff weather, when your soul-case seemed to freeze,
+  And the trampling, cursing watches and the pouring, pooping seas,
+  And the ice on spar and jackstay, and the cracking, volleying sail,
+  And the tatters of our voices blowing down the roaring gale ...
+  I recalled the West Coast harbours just as plain as yesteryear--
+  Nitrate ports, all dry and dusty, where they sell fresh water-dear--
+  Little cities white and wicked by a bleak and barren shore,
+  With an anchor on the cliff-side for to show you where to moor;
+  And the sour red wine we tasted, and the foolish songs we sung,
+  And the girls we had our fun with in the days when we were young;
+  And the dancing in the evenings down at Dago Bill's saloon,
+  And the stars above the mountains and the sea's eternal tune.
+
+  Only bags of stuffy nitrate from a far Pacific shore,
+  From a dreary West Coast harbour that I'll surely fetch no more;
+  Only bags of stuffy nitrate, with its faint familiar smell
+  Bringing back the ships and shipmates that I used to know so well;
+  Half a lifetime lies between us and a thousand leagues of sea,
+  But it called the days departed and my boyhood back to me.
+
+  C.F.S.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+ROSES ALL THE WAY.
+
+Fired by an Irish rose-grower's pictures of some of his beautiful new
+seedlings we are tempted to describe one or two of our own favourite
+flowers in language similar to his own. This is an example of the way he
+does it:--
+
+    "LADY MAUREEN STEWART (_Hybrid Tea_).--A gloriously-finished globular
+    slightly imbricated cupped bloom with velvety black scarlet cerise
+    shell-shaped petals, whose reflex is solid pure orangey maroon without
+    veining. An excellent bloom, ideal shape, brilliant and non-fading
+    colour with heavy musk rose odour. Erect growth and flower-stalk.
+    Foliage wax and leathery and not too large. A very floriferous and
+    beautiful rose. 21s. each."
+
+Why not also these?--
+
+DAVID (_Hybrid Tory-Lib._).--A gloriously-finished true-blue-slightly-
+imbricated-with-red-flag coalition rose whose deep globular head with
+ornate decorative calyx retains its perfect exhibition-cross-question-
+hostile-amendment symmetry of form without blueing or burning in the
+hottest Westminster sun. Its smiling peach and cerise endearments
+terminating in black scarlet shell-shaped waxy Berlin ultimata are carried
+on an admirably rigid peduncle. Equally vigorous in all parts of Europe.
+Superbly rampant. Not on sale.
+
+AUSTEN (_Tea and most other things_).--This bottomless-cupped bank-paper-
+white-edged-and-rimmed-with-tape-pink-margin bloom, the reflex of whose
+never-fading demand notes is velvety black thunder-cloud with lightning-
+flash six-months-in-the-second-division veinations, has never been known to
+be too full. It is supported by a landlordly stalk of the utmost excess-
+profits-war-profits-minor-profits rigidity. A decorative, acquisitive and
+especially captivating rose, and already something more than a popular
+favourite. 18s. in £1.
+
+SIR THOMAS (_Ceylon and India Tea_).--This true sport from the British
+bull-dog rose has a slightly globular double-hemisphere-popular greatly-
+desiring-and-deserving-to-be-cupped bloom whose pearly preserved cream
+flesh is delicately flushed and mottled with tinned salmon and dried
+apricot. Rich golden and banking-account stamina, foliage deep navy blue
+with brass buttons and a superb fragrance of western ocean. Its marvellous
+try-try-try-again floriferousness in all weathers is the admiration of all
+beholders. Price no object.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+From a weather forecast:--
+
+    "General Outlook.--It appears probable that further expressions will
+    arrive from the westward or north-westward before long, and that after
+    a temporary improvement the weather will again become unsettled; with
+    much cloud and occasional rain."--_Evening Paper._
+
+In which event further expressions (of a sultry character) may be expected
+from all round the compass.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+"COME UNTO THESE YELLOW SANDS."
+
+[Illustration: "COME UNTO THESE YELLOW SANDS AND THEN--]
+
+[Illustration: --TAKE HANDS."--[_The Tempest_, Act I., Sc. 2. ]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+QUEEN'S COUNSEL.
+
+The Fairy Queen shook her head in answer to my question. "No," she said, "I
+have no favourite flower."
+
+She had dropped in after dinner, as was her occasional habit, and at the
+moment sat perched on a big red carnation which stood in a flower-glass on
+the top of my desk.
+
+"You see," she continued, floating across to where I was sitting and
+lowering her voice confidentially, for there were a good many flowers
+about--"you see it would never do. Just think of the trouble it would
+cause. Imagine the state of mind of the lilies if I were to show a
+preference for roses. There's always been a little jealousy there, and
+they're all frightfully touchy. The artistic temperament, you know. Why, I
+daren't even sleep in the same flower two nights running."
+
+"Yes, I see," I said. "It must be very awkward."
+
+I lapsed into silence; I had had a worrying day and was feeling tired and a
+little depressed. The Queen fluttered about the room, pausing a moment on
+the mantel-shelf for a word or two with her old friend the Dresden china
+shepherdess. Then she came back to the desk and performed a brief _pas
+seul_ on the shining smooth cover of my pass-book. My mind flew instantly
+to my slender bank-balance and certain recent foolishnesses.
+
+"Talking of favourites," I said--"talking of favourites, do you take any
+interest in racing?"
+
+Instantly the Queen subsided on to my rubber stamp damper, which was
+fortunately dry.
+
+"Oh, yes," she replied, "I take a _great_ interest in racing. I love it. I
+can give you all sorts of hints."
+
+I thought it was a pity she hadn't called a week or two earlier. I might
+have been a richer woman by a good many pounds.
+
+"And there are so many kinds," continued the Queen earnestly. "Now in a
+butterfly race it's always best just to hold on and let them do as they
+like. It's not a bit of use trying to make them go straight. Rabbits are
+better in that way, but even rabbits are a little uncertain at times. Full
+of nerves. But have you ever tried swallow-racing?" she went on
+enthusiastically. "It's simply splendid. You give them their heads and you
+never know _where_ you may get to. But, anyway, it doesn't really matter in
+the least afterwards who wins; it's only while it's happening that you feel
+so thrilled, isn't it?"
+
+I didn't acquiesce very whole-heartedly. I'm afraid my thoughts were with
+my lost guineas. It _had_ rather mattered afterwards. I really had been
+very foolish.
+
+"You look depressed," said the Fairy Queen. "Can I help you? I'm really
+extremely practical. You know, don't you," she leaned forward and looked at
+me earnestly, "that I should be delighted if I could assist you with any
+advice?"
+
+I hesitated. Just before she came I had been anxiously considering as to
+how I was going to make one hundred pounds do the work of two during the
+next few weeks; but somehow I didn't quite like to mention such material
+matters to the Queen; it didn't seem suitable.
+
+I looked up and met her kind eyes fixed on mine with an expression of the
+gentlest interest and solicitude.
+
+"I wonder," I said, still hesitating, "whether you know anything about
+stocks and shares?"
+
+"Stocks and shares," she repeated slowly, looking just a little vague and
+puzzled. And then--"Oh, yes, of course I do, if that's all you want to
+know."
+
+I felt quite pleased now that I had really got it out.
+
+"If you could just give me a useful hint or two I should be tremendously
+grateful," I said. Already thousands loomed entrancingly before me. Already
+I saw myself settled in that darling cottage on the windy hill above
+Daccombe Wood. Already--
+
+"I think I had better get a pencil and paper," I said. "My memory's
+dreadful."
+
+But the Fairy Queen shook her head.
+
+"I'll write it down for you," she said, "and you can read it when I'm gone.
+That's so much more fun. But I don't need paper."
+
+She drew a tiny shining implement from her pocket and, picking up a couple
+of rose-petals which had fallen upon the table, she busied herself with
+them for a moment at my desk, her mouth pursed up, her brows contracted in
+an expression of intense seriousness.
+
+"There," she said, "that's that. And now show me _all_ your new clothes."
+
+We spent quite a pleasant evening over one thing and another, and I forgot
+all about the rose-leaves until after she had gone; but when I came back to
+my empty sitting-room they shone in the dusk with a soft radiance which
+came, I discovered, from the writing on them. It glowed like those luminous
+figures on watches which were so entrancing when they first appeared. I had
+never realised before that they were fairy figures.
+
+I spread the petals out on my palm, feeling quite excited at the prospect
+of making my fortune by such means, though I was a little anxious as to how
+I was going to make use of the information I was about to acquire.
+
+"I will ask Cousin Fred," I decided (Cousin Fred being a stockbroker), and
+I smiled a little to myself as I thought how amazed and possibly amused my
+dapper cousin would be when he learnt the source of my knowledge. He might
+even refuse to believe in it--and then where should I be?
+
+I needn't have troubled. When I unfolded my rose-petals this is what I
+read:--
+
+"_Stocks._--The white ones are much the best and have by far the sweetest
+scent.
+
+_Shares._--_Always_ go shares."
+
+R.F.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+HEART OF MINE.
+
+(_Being a rather hysterical contribution from our Analytical Novelist._)
+
+_Friday._--I suppose one never realises till one is actually dead how
+nearly dead one can be without actually being it. You see what I mean? No.
+Well, how blithely, how recklessly one rollicks through life, fondly
+believing that one is in the best of health, in the prime of condition, and
+all the time one is the unconscious victim of some fatal infirmity or
+disease. I mean, take my own case. I went to see my doctor in order to be
+cured of hay fever. He examined my heart. He made me take off my shirt. He
+hammered my chest; he rapped my ribs with his knuckles to see if they
+sounded hollow. I don't know why he did this, but I think he was at one
+time attached to a detective and has got into the habit of looking for
+secret passages and false panels and so on.
+
+Anyhow, he suspected my chest, and he listened at it for so long that any
+miscreant who had been concealed in it would have had to give himself away
+by coughing or blowing his nose.
+
+After a long time he said, "Your heart's dilated. You want a complete rest.
+Don't work. Don't smoke. Don't drink. Don't eat. Don't do anything. Take
+plenty of exercise. Sit perfectly still. Don't mope. Don't rush about. Take
+this before and after every meal. Only don't have any meals." I laughed at
+him. I knew my heart was perfectly sound, much sounder than most men's. I
+went home. I didn't even have the prescription made up.
+
+_Saturday._--Now comes the tragic thing. _That very night I realised that
+he was right._ There _is_ something wrong with my heart. It is too long. It
+is too wide. It is too thick. It is out of place. It would be difficult to
+say _exactly_ where the measurements are wrong, but one has a sort of
+_sense_ ...  you know?... One can feel that it is too large.... A swollen
+feeling.... Somehow I never felt this before; I never even felt that it was
+there ... but now I always know that it is there--trying to get out.... I
+put my hand on it and can feel it definitely expanding--like a football
+bladder. Sometimes I think it wants to get out at my collar-bone; sometimes
+I think it will blow out under my bottom rib; sometimes some other way. It
+is terrible....
+
+I have had the prescription made up.
+
+_Sunday._--The way it beats! Sometimes very fast and heavy and emphatic,
+like a bad barrage of 5.9's. Fortunately my watch has a second-hand, so
+that I can time it--forty-five to the half-minute, ninety-five to the full
+minute. Then I know that the end is very near; everyone knows that the
+normal rate for a healthy adult heart is seventy-two. Then sometimes it
+goes very slow, very dignified and faint, as when some great steamer glides
+in at slow speed to her anchorage, and the engines thump in a subdued and
+profound manner very far away, or as when at night the solemn tread of some
+huge policeman is heard, remote and soft and dilated--I mean dilatory, or
+as when--But you see what I mean.
+
+_Monday._--How was it, I wonder, that all this was hidden from me for so
+long? And now what am I to do? I am a doomed man. With a heart like this I
+cannot last long. I have resigned my clubs; I have given up my work. I can
+think of nothing but this dull pain, this heavy throbbing at my side. My
+work--ha! Yesterday I met another young doctor at tea. He asked me if there
+was any "murmur." I said I did not know--no one had told me. But after tea
+I went away and listened. Yes, there was a murmur; I could hear it plainly.
+I told the young doctor. He said that murmurs were not considered so
+important nowadays. What matters is "the reaction of the heart to work." By
+that test I am doomed indeed. But the murmur is better.
+
+_Tuesday._--I have told Anton Gregorovitch Gregorski. He says he has a
+heart too.
+
+_Wednesday._--I have been learning things to-day. I am worse even than the
+doctor thought. In a reference book in the dining-room there is a medical
+dictionary. It says: "Dilatation leads to dropsy, shortness of breath and
+blueness of the face." I have got some of those already. I have never seen
+a face so blue. It is like the sea in the early morning.
+
+_Thursday._--The heart is bigger again to-day--about an inch each way. The
+weight of it is terrible to carry.... I have to take taxis.... This evening
+it was going at thirty-two to the minute....
+
+_Friday._--Last night, when I tried to count the beats, I could not find
+it.... It must have stopped.... Anton Gregorovitch says it is the end....
+This is my last entry....
+
+_Saturday._--My face is very blue. It is like a forget-me-not ... it is
+like a volume of _Hansard_....
+
+I shall go to see the doctor as I promised ... he can do nothing, but it
+will interest him to see how much bigger the heart has grown in the last
+few days....
+
+No more....
+
+_Sunday._--The doctor said it was much better.... It is undilated again....
+After all I am not going to die. But the reaction to work is still bad.
+This evening I make it sixty to the minute....
+
+_Monday._--This morning's count was seventy-two. It is terrible....
+
+A.P.H.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Sympathetic Old Lady._ "AND WHEN YOU WENT DOWN FOR THE
+THIRD TIME THE WHOLE OF YOUR PAST LIFE OF COURSE FLASHED BEFORE YOUR EYES?"
+
+_Longshore Billy._ "I EXPECT IT DID, MUM, BUT I 'AD 'EM SHUT AT THE TIME,
+SO I MISSED IT."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Mollie._ "AUNTIE, DON'T CATS GO TO HEAVEN?"
+
+_Auntie._ "NO, MY DEAR. DIDN'T YOU HEAR THE VICAR SAY AT THE CHILDREN'S
+SERVICE THAT ANIMALS HADN'T SOULS AND THEREFORE COULD NOT GO TO HEAVEN?"
+
+_Mollie._ "WHERE DO THEY GET THE STRINGS FOR THE HARPS, THEN?"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+FLOWERS' NAMES.
+
+          SHEPHERD'S PURSE.
+
+  There was a silly shepherd lived out at Taunton Dene
+    (Hey-nonny-nonny-no for Taunton in the summer!)
+  And oh, but he was bitter cold! and oh, but he was mean!
+  The maidens vowed a bitterer had never yet been seen
+              At Taunton in the summer.
+
+  He lived to gather in the gold--he loved to hear it chink
+    (Hey-nonny-nonny-no for Taunton in the summer!),
+  And he could only dream of gold--of gold could only think;
+  And all the fairies watched him, and they watched him with a wink
+              At Taunton in the summer.
+
+  At last one summer noonday, when the sky was blue and deep
+    (Hey-nonny-nonny-no for Taunton in the summer!),
+  They made him heavy-headed as he watched beside his sheep
+  And all the little Taunton elves came stealing out to peep
+              At Taunton in the summer.
+
+  They opened wide his wallet and they stole the coins away
+    (Hey-nonny-nonny-no for Taunton in the summer!),
+  They took the round gold pieces and they used them for their play,
+  They rolled and chased and tumbled them and lost them in the hay
+              At Taunton in the summer.
+
+  And when they'd finished playing they used all their magic powers
+    (Hey-nonny-nonny-no for Taunton in the summer!);
+  The silly shepherd woke and wept, he sought his gold for hours,
+  And all he found was drifts and drifts of tiny greenish flowers
+              At Taunton in the summer.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+MORE WORK FOR HIS MAJESTY'S JUDGES.
+
+    "Potato disease has unfortunately made its appearance in the ----
+    district, the early and second early crops being seriously attacked.
+    The late crops are free from disease up to the present, and it is hoped
+    by judicial spraying to save them."--_Local Paper._
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+From an interview with the Superintendent of Regent's Park:--
+
+    "'People seem surprised,' he said, 'when I tell them that within a few
+    minutes' walk of Baker Street Station, and the incessant din of
+    Marylebone Road, such birds as the cuckoo, flycatcher, robin and wren
+    have reared their young.'"--_Observer._
+
+To hear of the cuckoo bringing up its own family in any circumstances was,
+we confess, a little bit of a shock.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "'Idling, my dear fellow!' was Mr. Jerome K. Jerome's decisive answer
+    to my question: 'What do you most like doing at holiday-time?'
+
+    'But if, and only when, I am really driven to exertion, let me have a
+    horse between my legs, a pair of oars, and a billiard-table, and I ask
+    nothing more of the gods.'"--_Answers._
+
+The next time Mr. JEROME indulges in this performance may we be there to
+see.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: THE LEAGUE OF YOUTH.
+
+WAR-WEARY WORLD (_at the Jamboree_). "I WAS NEARLY LOSING HOPE, BUT THE
+SIGHT OF ALL YOU BOYS GIVES IT BACK TO ME."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT.
+
+_Monday, July 26th._--When the Peers were about to discuss the Law of
+Property Bill, which seeks to abolish the distinction between land and
+other property, Lord CAVE dropped a bombshell into the Committee by moving
+to omit the whole of Part I. Lords HALDANE and BUCKMASTER were much upset
+and loudly protested against the proposal to cut out "the very heart and
+substance of the measure." The LORD CHANCELLOR was less perturbed by the
+explosion and was confident that after further discussion he could induce
+the CAVE-dwellers to come into line with modern requirements. Thirty-four
+clauses thus disappeared with a bang; and of the hundred and odd remaining
+only one gave much trouble. Objection was taken to Clause 101, granting the
+public full rights of access to commons, on the grounds _inter alia_ that
+it would give too much freedom to gipsies and too little to golfers. Lord
+SALISBURY, who, like the counsel in a famous legal story, claimed to "know
+a little about manors," was sure that only the lord could deal faithfully
+with the Egyptians, but, fortified by Lord HALDANE'S assurance that the
+clause gave the public no more rights and the lords of the manor no less
+than they had before, the House passed it by 42 to 29.
+
+Mr. BRIDGEMAN, for the Board of Trade, bore the brunt of the early
+questioning in the House of Commons. He sustained with equal
+imperturbability the assaults of the Tariff Reformers, who asserted that
+British toy-making--an "infant industry" if ever there was one--was being
+stifled by foreign imports: and those of the Free Traders, who objected to
+the Government's efforts to resuscitate the dyeing trade.
+
+The alarming rumours in the Sunday papers about the PRIME MINISTER'S state
+of health were effectively dispelled by his appearance on the Front
+Opposition, a little weary-looking, no doubt, but as alert as ever to seize
+the weak point in the adversary's case and to put his own in the most
+favourable light. From the enthusiasm of his announcement that the Soviet
+Government had accepted our invitation to attend a Conference in London,
+one would have thought that the Bolshevists had agreed to the British
+proposals unconditionally and that peace--"that is what the world
+wants"--was now assured.
+
+[Illustration: _David._ "YOU KNOW THE RHYME, GRANDMAMA, THAT SAYS--
+
+        'THIS LITTLE PIG WENT TO MARKET,
+        AND THIS LITTLE PIG STAYED AT HOME'?"
+
+_The Mother of Parliaments._ "YES, DAVID, DEAR. WHY DO YOU MENTION IT?"
+
+_David._ "OH, I WAS MERELY WONDERING WHAT WAS TO BE DONE ABOUT IT."]
+
+Abhorrence of the Government of Ireland Bill is the one subject on which
+all Irishmen appear to think alike. It is, no doubt, with the desire to
+preserve that unanimity that the PRIME MINISTER announced his intention of
+pressing the measure forward after the Recess "with all possible despatch."
+
+But before that date it looks as if Irishmen would have despatched one
+another. The little band of Nationalists had handed in a batch of
+private-notice Questions arising out of the disturbances in Belfast. Their
+description of them as the outcome of an organised attack upon Catholics
+was indignantly challenged by the Ulstermen, and the SPEAKER had hard work
+to maintain order. The contest was renewed on a motion for the adjournment.
+As a means of bringing peace to Ireland the debate was absolutely futile.
+But it enabled Mr. DEVLIN to fire off one of his tragical-comical orations,
+and Sir H. GREENWOOD to disclaim the accusation that he had treated the
+Irish problem with levity. "There is nothing light and airy about me," he
+declared; and no one who has heard his pronunciation of the word "Belfast"
+would doubt it.
+
+Before and after this melancholy interlude good progress was made with the
+Finance Bill, and Mr. CHAMBERLAIN made several further concessions to the
+"family-man."
+
+_Tuesday, July 27th._--The Lords rejected the Health Resorts and Watering
+Places Bill under which local authorities could have raised a penny rate
+for advertising purposes. Lord SOUTHWARK'S well-meant endeavour to support
+the Bill by reminding the House that Irish local authorities had enjoyed
+this power since 1909 was perhaps the proximate cause of its defeat, for it
+can hardly be said that the last few weeks have enhanced the reputation of
+Ireland as a health resort.
+
+Mr. HARMSWORTH utterly confounded the critics of the Passport Office. Its
+staff may appear preposterously large and its methods unduly dilatory, but
+the fact remains that it is one of the few public departments that actually
+pays its way. Last year it spent thirty-seven thousand pounds and took
+ninety-one thousand pounds in fees. "See the world and help to pay for the
+War" should be the motto over its portals.
+
+It is, of course, quite proper that soldiers who wreck the property of
+civilians--albeit under great provocation--should receive suitable
+punishment. But a sailor is hardly the man to press for it. Lieutenant-
+Commander KENWORTHY received a much-needed lesson in etiquette when Major
+JAMESON gravely urged, in his penetrating Scotch voice, that soldiers in
+Ireland should be ordered not to distract the prevailing peace and quiet of
+that country, but should keep to their proper function of acting as targets
+for Sinn Fein bullets.
+
+Mr. CHAMBERLAIN dealt very gingerly with Sir ARTHUR FELL'S inquiry as to
+whether "any ordinary individual can understand the forms now sent out by
+the Income Tax Department?" Fearing that if he replied in the affirmative
+he would be asked to solve some particularly abstruse conundrum, he
+contented himself with saying that the forms were complicated because the
+tax was complicated, and the tax was complicated because of the number and
+variety of the reliefs granted to the taxpayer. It does not seem to have
+occurred to him that it is the duty of the CHANCELLOR OF THE EXCHEQUER to
+make the tax simple as well as equitable. Is it conceivable that he can
+have forgotten ADAM SMITH's famous maxims on the subject, and particularly
+this: "The time of payment, the manner of payment, the quantity to be paid,
+ought all to be clear and plain to the contributor, and to every other
+person"?
+
+[Illustration: MR. BONAR LAW PACKS HIS TRUNKS.]
+
+The House did not rise till half-past one this morning, and was again faced
+with a long night's work. In vain Sir DONALD MACLEAN protested against the
+practice of taking wee sma' Bills in the wee sma' oors. Mr. BONAR LAW was
+obdurate. He supposed the House had not abandoned all hope of an Autumn
+recess. Well, then, had not the poet said that the best of all ways to
+lengthen our days was to steal a few hours from the night?
+
+The Report stage of the Finance Bill was finished off, but not until the
+Government had experienced some shocks. The Corporation tax, intended
+partially to fill the yawning void which will be caused some day by the
+disappearance of E.P.D.--on the principle that one bad tax deserves
+another--was condemned with equal vigour, but for entirely different
+reasons, by Colonel WEDGWOOD and Sir F. BANBURY. They "told" together
+against it and had the satisfaction of bringing the Government majority
+down to fifty-five.
+
+The champions of the Co-operative Societies also put up a strong fight
+against the proposal to make their profits, for the first time, subject to
+taxation. Mr. CHAMBERLAIN declined, however, to put them in a privileged
+position as compared with other traders, but carried his point only by
+sixty-one votes.
+
+_Wednesday, July 28th._--In spite of the limitation of Questions the Member
+for Central Hull still manages to extract a good deal of information from
+the Treasury Bench. This afternoon he learned from Mr. LONG that the Board
+of Admiralty was not created solely for the purpose of satisfying his
+curiosity; and from Mr. KELLAWAY that the equipment of even the most
+versatile Under-Secretary does not include the gift of prophecy.
+
+At long last the House learned the Government decision regarding the
+increase in railway fares. It is to come into force on August 6th, by which
+time the most belated Bank-Holiday-maker should have returned from his
+revels. Mr. BONAR LAW appended to the announcement a surely otiose
+explanation of the necessity of the increase. Everybody knows that railways
+are being run at a loss, due in the main to the increased wages of miners
+and railway-men. Mr. THOMAS rather weakly submitted that an important
+factor was the larger number of men employed, and was promptly met with the
+retort that that was because of the shorter hours worked.
+
+Cheered by the statement of its Leader that he still hoped to get the
+adjournment by August 14th the House plunged with renewed zest into the
+final stage of the Finance Bill. Mr. BOTTOMLEY, whose passion for accuracy
+is notorious, inveighed against the lack of this quality in the Treasury
+Estimates. As for the war-debt, since the Government had failed to "make
+Germany pay," he urged that the principal burden should be left for
+posterity to shoulder.
+
+These sentiments rather shocked Mr. ASQUITH, who, while mildly critical of
+Government methods, was all in favour of "severe, stringent, drastic
+taxation." Mr. CHAMBERLAIN repeated his now familiar lecture to the House
+of Commons, which, while accusing the Government of extravagance, was
+always pressing for new forms of expenditure. In the study of economy he
+dislikes abstractions--except from the pockets of the taxpayer.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "Company's water is on to the house and cowshed."--_Advert. in Daily
+    Paper._
+
+Now we know why our water is sometimes contaminated with milk.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "One of the most striking of the collection of exhibits of fascinating
+    interest [at the Imperial War Museum] is the Air Force map for carrying
+    out the British plan for bombing Berlin. Specimens of the bombs,
+    weighing 3,000 pounds each, are also included in this museum of war
+    souvenirs with the object of demonstrating the resources of the Empire
+    and giving a stimulus to its trade."--_South African Paper._
+
+Motto for British traders: "If at first you don't succeed, try, try
+trinitrotoluene."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE BIRTHDAY PRESENT.
+
+I went into the morning-room with a worried frown upon my brow. Kathleen
+was doing the accounts at the table.
+
+"Kathleen," I said, "it's Veronica's birthday on Wednesday and--"
+
+"What did you say seven eighths were?" said Kathleen. "I asked you last
+week."
+
+"I can't possibly carry complicated calculations in my head from week to
+week," I said; "you should have made a note of it at the time. It's
+Veronica's birthday on Wednesday, and what do you think she wants?"
+
+But Kathleen was enthralled by the greengrocer's book. "Have we really had
+eight cabbages this week?" she said. "We must, I suppose. Greengrocers are
+generally honest; they live so near to nature. Well, now," she shut up her
+books, "what were you saying, dear?"
+
+I sighed, cleared my throat and began again. "It's Veronica's birthday on
+Wednesday, and what do you think she wants? She wants," I said
+dramatically, "a 'frush' from the bird-shop in the village. The ones that
+hang in cages outside the door."
+
+"Well," said Kathleen, "why not?"
+
+"Why not?" I became more than serious. "A daughter of ours has demanded for
+a plaything a caged bird. Psychologically it is an important occasion. Now
+or never must she learn to look upon a caged bird with horror. What I am
+thinking of is the psychological effect upon the child's character. The
+psychological--"
+
+"You needn't worry about Veronica's psychology," said Kathleen. "Veronica's
+psychology is in the right place."
+
+"You misunderstand the meaning of the word," I said loftily. "However, if
+you wish to wash your hands of Veronica's training, if you refuse to cope
+with your own child, I must take it upon myself."
+
+"Do," said Kathleen sweetly; "I'll listen."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+It was Veronica's birthday. We were outside the bird-shop. The thrushes in
+cages hung around the door.
+
+Veronica lifted grave blue eyes to me trustingly. "You promised me a frush,
+darlin'," she said.
+
+Veronica is small for her name and has a disarming habit of introducing
+terms of endearment into her conversation.
+
+"You didn't quite understand me," I said gently. "I said I'd think about
+it."
+
+"Yes, but that means promising, doesn't it? Finking about it _means_
+promising. I _fought_ you meant promising. I fought all night you meant
+promising. Darlin'." The last word was a sentence all by itself.
+
+Kathleen raised her eyebrows when we came out with the bird in the cage.
+
+"This isn't quite the moment," I said with dignity; "it's best to let her
+get it first and realise afterwards."
+
+"Let's all go to Crown Hill now," said Veronica in a voice that admitted of
+no denial.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+We were on Crown Hill. Veronica had hugged the cage to her small bosom all
+the way, making little reassuring noises to its occupant.
+
+"Now," said Kathleen, "hadn't you better begin? Isn't this the psycho--you
+know what moment?"
+
+I took a deep breath and began.
+
+"Veronica," I said, "listen to me for a moment. If you were a little
+bird--"
+
+But she wasn't listening to me. She had held up the little wooden cage,
+opened the clasp of the door and, with a rapt smile on her small shining
+face, was watching the "frush" as he soared into the air with a sudden
+burst of song.
+
+We none of us spoke till he had vanished from sight. Then Veronica broke
+the silence.
+
+"It's all my very own plan," she said proudly. "I planned it all by myself.
+An' all my birfdays I'm going to have one of that nasty man's frushes for a
+present, and we'll all free come up here and let it out--always an' always
+an' for ever an' ever--right up till I'm a hundred."
+
+"Why stop at a hundred?" I murmured, recovering myself with an effort.
+
+But I could not escape Kathleen's eye.
+
+"I hope you feel small," it said.
+
+I did.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _The Colonel._ "_ANYONE_ MAY MISS THE TIDE OR GET STUCK UPON
+A MUD-BANK; BUT TO LOSE THE MATCHES AND FORGET THE WHISKY IS TO PROVE
+YOURSELF UNWORTHY OF THE NAME OF 'YACHTSMAN'!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+RHYMES OF THE UNDERGROUND.
+
+                  I.
+
+  I never heard of Ruislip, I never saw its name,
+  Till Underground advertisements had brought it into fame;
+  I've never been to Ruislip, I never yet have heard
+  The true pronunciation of so singular a word.
+
+  I'd like to go to Ruislip; I'd like to feast my eyes
+  On "scenes of sylvan beauty" that the posters advertise;
+  But, though I long to view the spot, while I am in the dark
+  About its name I dare not face the booking-office clerk.
+
+  Suppose I ventured "Riz-lip" and in answer to his "Eh?"
+  Stammered "Ruse-lip, Rise-lip, Rees-lip," just imagine how he'd say,
+  "Well, where _do_ you want to book to?" and the voices from behind,
+  "Must we wait until this gentleman has ascertained his mind?"
+
+                  II.
+
+  The trains that stop at Down Street--(Sing willow-waly-O!)--
+  They run through Hyde Park Corner as fast as they can go;
+  And trains at Hyde Park Corner that stop--(Oh dearie me!)--
+  Contrariwise at Down Street are "non-stop" as can be.
+
+  There's a man at Down Street Station--he came there years ago
+  To get to Hyde Park Corner--(Sing willow-waly-O!)--
+  And, as the trains go past him, 'tis pitiful to see
+  Him beat his breast and murmur, "Oh dearie, dearie me!"
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    '"The Rev. R.S. ---- has accepted the post of librarian of Pussy House,
+    Oxford."--_Local Paper._
+
+And will soon get to work on the catalogue.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "WANTED--a middle-aged Witty Indian to read Bengali religious books and
+    capable of telling witty and fairy tales from 12 to 3 p.m."--_Indian
+    Paper._
+
+This might suit Mr. GANDHI. If not witty, he is very good at fairy-tales.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+VADE MECUMS.
+
+I have invented a new sort of patience. It is called Vade Mecums. The rules
+are quite simple and all the plant you need for it is a "Vade Mecum"
+traveller's handbook and a complete ignorance of all languages but your
+own. Get one of these fascinating little classics, a passport and a single
+to Boulogne, and you can begin at once.
+
+The game consists in firing off (in the local lingo) every single phrase
+that occurs in the book. The only other rule in the game is that the
+occasion for making each remark must be reasonably apposite. You need not
+keep to the order in the book and no points are awarded for pronunciation,
+provided that the party addressed shows by word or deed that he (or she)
+has understood you. By way of illustration I will give some account of my
+first experiments in this enthralling pastime.
+
+As it happened I was able to start at once--too soon, in fact, to be
+altogether comfortable. We had scarcely put out from Folkestone before I
+got my chance. The sea was distinctly rough, but I just had time to open my
+Vade Mecum at page 228 (sub-heading, "On embarking and what happens at
+sea"), and to read to a passing French steward the first sentence that
+caught my eye. It was as follows: "The wind is very violent; the sea is
+very rough; the waves are very high; the rolling of the vessel makes my
+head ache; I am very much inclined to be sick."
+
+After that I made no more progress till we reached Boulogne; but from the
+steward's subsequent actions I judged that he had understood; so I was one
+up.
+
+My Vade Mecum, like most of its kind, was unfortunately compiled many years
+ago and had never been brought up to date. This, of course, saved me the
+expense of having to hire aeroplanes or even motor-cars, but it landed me
+in quite a number of difficulties at the opposite extreme, as you will see.
+
+For instance, in order to polish off the heading, "Of what may happen on
+the road," I was compelled to obtain a carriage. Judge then my joy when, on
+reaching a carriage builder's, I discovered a whole section tucked away in
+a corner of the book dealing exclusively with that very topic. I can think
+of no other conceivable circumstances under which I could have said, "The
+wheels are in a miserable state; the body is too heavy; the springs are too
+light; the shafts are too short; the pole is too thin; the shape is
+altogether old-fashioned, and the seats are both high and uncomfortable."
+
+Yet now I said it all--in two halves, it is true, and in two different
+shops; but still I said it all. The first half cost me three front teeth,
+which fell out while the outraged _carrossier_ was ejecting me; the second
+cost me a large sum of money, because somehow or other I found I had
+_bought_ the vehicle in question. This I fancy must have been occasioned by
+my turning over two pages at once, so that I suppose I really said, "Mr.
+X., you are an honest man; I will give you ten thousand francs, but on
+condition that you furnish splinter-bars and traces also for that price."
+
+Still one must pay for one's pleasures, and once _en route_ I made short
+work of the "What-may-happen-on-the-road" section. The sentence from which
+I anticipated most trouble was this: "Postilion, stop. A spoke of one of
+the wheels is broken; some of the harness is undone; a spring is also
+broken and one of the horses' shoes is come off." I got out all this
+(without having to tell a lie too) and was just looking feverishly through
+the book to find phrases to describe the ricketty state of every other part
+of the vehicle when the off hind-wheel came in half, the front axle snapped
+and the carriage rolled over on its side stone dead. When I came to myself
+I found that I was comfortably seated in a ditch, my driver beside me and
+my Vade Mecum still open in my hand; so I had the gratification of being
+able to continue the conversation where I had left off. "We should do
+well," I read, "to get out."
+
+I will not detain you long over the difficulties that I had with the
+"Society" section. But I feel I ought to mention the business of the
+Countess, if only to put intending players on their guard. There is a
+puzzling phrase which occurs in answer to the observation, "Pray come
+nearer the fire; I am sure you must be cold." The proper answer is, "No, I
+thank you. I am very well placed here beside the Countess." It took me a
+month to find a Countess, two to meet her in the drawing-room of a mutual
+friend, and four to recover from the hole which the irascible little Count
+made in me when we met next morning on the field of honour.
+
+So I pass sadly and with tears of chagrin to my ultimate defeat. I met my
+Waterloo, my friends, in the section labelled "The Tailor." Requests within
+reason I can comply with, for the fun of the thing. Eatables and drinks,
+suites of rooms and carriages, when ordered on the lavish scale of my Vade
+Mecum, are not exactly _cheap_ now-a-days. But it's about the limit when
+one's Mecum expects one to squander the savings of a lifetime in ordering
+several suits of clothes at once. And yet there it was as large as life,
+the accursed sentence that made me shut the book with a snap and come
+home:--"These coats fit me well, though the cut is not fashionable. I shall
+require also three pairs of trousers, three nankeen pantaloons and four
+waistcoats."
+
+If anyone feels inclined to try my patience--and theirs--I should like to
+mention that I have a nice annotated Mecum and a good second-hand carriage
+for disposal at a very moderate figure.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A VICTIM OF FASHION.
+
+Like everybody else that one knows, Kidger is an ex-service man. During the
+last year of that war on the Continent some time ago he had the acting rank
+of captain, as second in command of a six-mangle army laundry.
+
+When I knew him in pre-war days he was an amiable character, with only two
+serious weaknesses. One of these was an exaggerated fastidiousness about
+clothes, and the other an undue deference to the dicta of the Press. A
+leader in _The Tailor and Cutter_ would make him thoughtful for days. This
+fatal concern about clothing amounted to a mania where neckwear was
+concerned.
+
+In pre-war days he wore the ordinary single, perpendicular variety of
+collar, with sharp turn-over points, starched and white to match his
+shirts.
+
+Before leaving England to join his laundry, Kidger, with a magnificent
+gesture, abandoned his fine collection of collars to his aunt, bidding her
+convert them to some patriotic end. The fond lady, however, fearing lest
+anything should befall her nephew if a hot sector of the line moved up to
+the laundry, preserved them carefully, and Kidger was very glad to reclaim
+them on his demobilisation.
+
+One unfortunate day Kidger's morning paper contained one of those Fashions
+for Men columns, where he learned that the best people were wearing only
+soft collars, as they couldn't stand being cooped up in starch after the
+freedom of uniform. Kidger felt that as an ex-army man it was up to him to
+maintain any military tradition, and he immediately bought several dozen,
+soft white collars with long sharp points. The fellow in the shop said they
+were correct.
+
+A week later another expert mentioned in print that no man who had any
+self-respect wore collars with sharp corners.
+
+Kidger is not a manual worker. He reduced his cigarette allowance and
+bought some round-cornered ones, white as before. And then his aunt
+directed the poor fellow's attention to a paragraph by an authority signing
+himself "The Colonel," which stated that none but the profiteer was wearing
+white collars, and that you might know the man who had done his bit by the
+fact that he wore a blue one with slightly rounded corners, accompanied by
+a self-coloured tie of a darker shade, tied in a neat butterfly bow.
+
+This was a blow to Kidger, but he resigned from his golf club and laid in
+some haberdashery in accordance with "The Colonel's" orders.
+Recommendations would be too mild a word. I saw the paragraph--most
+peremptory.
+
+But in a rival paper "Brigadier" mentioned only three days later that none
+but the most noxious bounder and tout would be found dead in a blue collar
+with a white shirt. Kidger saw the truth of this at once; he had
+receptivity if not intuition. After a trying interview with his banker he
+bought several blue shirts.
+
+Then the General who contributes "Sartorial Tips" to several leading
+journals remarked that, since all kinds of people were wearing coloured
+shirts and collars, the man who desired to retain or achieve that touch of
+distinction which means so much must at any cost wear white ones; and that,
+further, Society was frowning on the slovenly unstarched neck-wear of the
+relapsed temporary gentleman.
+
+Kidger began to show signs of neurasthenia. His stock of pre-war collars
+was exhausted, or rather eroded. His faithful aunt, however, remembered a
+neglected birthday and gave him a dozen new ones, of the up-and-down model,
+to save Kidger's delicate neck. These, with his nice butterfly-bow ties,
+looked really well, and Kidger recovered his old form.
+
+I warned him to keep to the police and Parliamentary news in the papers,
+but his eyes would wander. The result was that he learned from "Brigade
+Major" that the wearing of a butterfly bow with a double event collar was a
+solecism past forgiveness or repentance, and that its smart appearance was
+the deadly bait which caught the miserable bumpkin who ignorantly fancied
+that a man could dress by the light of nature.
+
+Kidger collapsed. His aunt volunteered to sell her annuity and help him,
+but the innate nobility of the man forbade him to accept this useless
+sacrifice.
+
+His medical attendant tells me that he is now allowed to read only poetry,
+wearing a sweater meanwhile, and that arrangements are being made for him
+to join a sheep-farming cousin in Patagonia, where collars are despised and
+newspapers invariably out of date.
+
+W.K.H.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _She._ "I TOLD 'EE TO GREASE THE WHEELS AFORE WE COME OUT."
+
+_He._ "IT BE AS MUCH AS I CAN DO TO KEEP UP WITH IT AS 'TIS."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    A SUPERFLUOUS ANNOUNCEMENT.
+
+    "The Government have found it impossible to proceed with the Government
+    of Ireland before the Autumn Session."--_Daily Paper._
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "Clerk (Junior) Wanted for Spinners' Office, age 1617.--_Yorkshire
+    Paper._
+
+"Junior," we take it, is a misprint.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+EDWARD AND THE B.O.F.
+
+It was the first Sunday of the season, and the select end of Folkesbourne
+revealed in each carefully curled geranium leaf, in each carefully-combed
+blade of grass, the thought and labour expended by the B.O.F. (Borough of
+Folkesbourne).
+
+Upon the greensward stood orderly rows of well-washed chairs, each with
+B.O.F. neatly stencilled upon its back. On this day, however, and at this
+hour (12.30 P.M.) scarce a B.O.F. was visible; each was hidden by a
+well-dressed visitor. And between the orderly rows of well-dressed visitors
+paraded orderly pairs of superbly-dressed visitors.
+
+I was standing at the corner by the steps leading to the lower parade and
+thence to the beach and the rocks where the common people (myself on
+week-days, for instance) go to paddle with their children. I was wearing my
+new pale-grey suit which cost--but you will know more or less what it cost;
+I need not labour an unpleasant subject--and I was actually talking at the
+time to a member of the B.O.F.
+
+"This is Peace at last," he was saying; "the place really begins to look--"
+
+It was at this moment that Edward appeared. His route was the very centre
+of the lawn. He was wearing a battered Panama hat, a much-darned brownish
+jersey, and his nether man--or rather boy, for Edward's years are but
+four--was encased in paddling drawers made of the same material as a
+sponge-bag. Black sand-shoes completed his outfit, and a broken shrimping-
+net trailed behind him. At the moment when Edward first caught my horrified
+eye a particularly well-groomed young gentleman of about his own age caught
+Edward's eye in turn. Edward paused to survey this silken wonder with
+interest. Then, as if prompted thereto by the sight, he snatched off his
+hat and, casting it upon the ground, kicked it vigorously across the grass.
+
+The removal of the hat was the last straw, for Edward's hair is
+provocatively red. My friend of the B.O.F. advanced towards him with the
+intention of exerting authority and restoring discipline. Edward turned at
+the sound of a stern voice. Possibly he might have put out his tongue--you
+never know with Edward. But, what was worse, far worse, he saw me. With a
+glad cry of "Daddy" he rushed to me and, regardless of the fact that his
+front was covered with green slime, the result of going _ventre à pierre_
+over the rocks, he flung his arms round my legs.
+
+I would gladly have sunk into the ground. All eyes were upon us, and
+remained, as I felt, upon me, even when a breathless nursery-maid had
+retrieved Edward and borne him seawards once more.
+
+One especially I had noticed, a very superbly dressed female visitor who
+had paused to witness the whole scene and was now resuming her promenade. I
+dreaded the comment which I felt I should overhear as she passed me--"What
+a horrible child!" it would be at the very least. But women are strangely
+unaccountable, even in so highly civilised an atmosphere as this. I
+distinctly heard her say, "What a darling!"
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Mother._ "IT IS VERY NAUGHTY TO TELL UNTRUTHS, KITTY. THOSE
+WHO DO SO NEVER GET TO HEAVEN."
+
+_Kitty._ "DIDN'T YOU EVER TELL AN UNTRUTH, MUMMY?"
+
+_Mother._ "NO, DEAR--NEVER."
+
+_Kitty._ "WELL, YOU'LL BE FEARFULLY LONELY, WON'T YOU, WITH ONLY GEORGE
+WASHINGTON?"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE HORRORS OF PEACE.
+
+    "Wanted.--Boy for Butchering, about 15 years old."--_Local Paper._
+
+Extract from a solicitor's letter:--
+
+    "The sale of the above premises is now nearing completion and we expect
+    to have the conveyance ready for execution in the course of a short
+    period the length of which depends to some extent upon how soon we can
+    obtain the execution of the Bishop."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+NEO-TOPICS.
+
+  There was a young neo-DELANE
+  Whose writing was frequently sane;
+      But the name of LLOYD GEORGE
+      So uplifted his gorge
+  That it threatened to swallow his brain.
+
+  There was an adored neo-Queen
+  Who ruled the whole world on the screen;
+      She simply knocked spots
+      Off poor MARY OF SCOTS,
+  But she doubled the gloom of our Dean.
+
+  There was an advanced neo-Georgian,
+  Or perhaps we should say Georgy-Porgian,
+      When asked to declare
+      What his principles were,
+  He invariably answered, "Pro-Borgian."
+
+  There was a great neo-Art critic
+  Whose style was extremely mephitic;
+      He treated VAN GOGH
+      And CÉZANNE as dead dog,
+  And JOHN as a growth parasitic.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+OUR BLOATED PLURALISTS.
+
+    "Wanted, Organist. Small country church. Salary £20. Good lodgings.
+    (Could be held with post of Milker on Manor Farm; permanent work;
+    Sundays free; ample salary.)"--_Church Times._
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "The Grimsby trawler Silurian has towed Sir George Grahame, Minister
+    Plenipotentiary in Paris, to be his Majesty's Ambassador Extraordinary
+    and Plenipotentiary to the King of the Belgians."--_Provincial Paper._
+
+We really think the Government might have provided him with a torpedo-boat.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "The one thing which the Cabinet does not intend to do is to authorise
+    the proclamation of marital law. It would engage far too many troops."
+    --_Provincial Paper._
+
+The Irish girls are _so_ attractive.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "A friend of mine bought from a bookseller who was also, oddly enough,
+    a bibliophile himself, a copy of Arnold's very rare book, _The Strayed
+    Revetter_, by A. He gave 6d. It is worth £5."--_Book Post._
+
+Surely more than that!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "An Ipswichomnibus pushed its bonnet through the window of a millinery
+    shop."--_Daily Paper._
+
+This intelligent animal (believed to be the female of the Brontosaurus) was
+probably seeking a change of headgear.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Tripper._ "I'VE A BLOOMIN' GOOD MIND TO REPORT YOU FOR
+PROFITEERING."
+
+_Old Salt._ "WHAT YER TALKIN' ABOUT?"
+
+_Tripper._ "WELL, THEM SHRIMPS I BOUGHT OFF YOU. ONE OF EM'S GOT ONLY ONE
+EYE."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+OUR BOOKING-OFFICE.
+
+(_By Mr. Punch's Staff of Learned Clerks._)
+
+I rather wish that the publishers of _Invincible Minnie_ (HODDER AND
+STOUGHTON) had not permitted themselves to print upon the wrapper either
+their own comments or those of Miss ELISABETH SANXAY HOLDING, the author.
+Because for my part, reading these, I formed the idea (entirely wrong) that
+the book would be in some way pretentious and affected; whereas it is the
+simple truth to call it the most mercilessly impersonal piece of fiction
+that I think I ever read. There is far too much plot for me to give you any
+but a suggestion of it. The story is of the lives of two sisters, _Frances_
+and _Minnie_; mostly (as the title implies) of _Minnie_. To say that no one
+but a woman would have dared to imagine such a heroine, much less to follow
+her, through every phase of increasing hatefulness, to her horrid
+conclusion is to state an obvious truism. It is incidentally also to give
+you some idea of the kind of person _Minnie_ is, that female Moloch,
+devastating, all-sacrificing, beyond restraint.... As for Miss HOLDING, the
+publishers turned out to be within the mark in claiming for her "a new
+voice." I don't, indeed, for the moment recall any voice in the least like
+it, or any such method; too honest for irony, too detached for sentiment
+and, as I said above, entirely merciless. Towards the end I found myself
+falling back on the old frightened protest, "People don't do these things."
+I still cling to this belief, but the fact remains that Miss HOLDING has a
+haunting trick of persuading one that they might. Minor faults, such as an
+irritating idiom and some carelessness of form, she will no doubt correct;
+meanwhile you have certainly got to read--"to suffer" would be the apter
+word--this remarkable book, whose reception I await with curiosity.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A much misunderstood man is Count BERNSTORFF, formerly German Ambassador at
+Washington. While we were all supposing him to be a bomb-laden conspirator,
+pulling secret strings in Mexico or Canada or Japan from the safe
+protection afforded to his embassy, really he was the most innocent of men,
+anxious for nothing but to keep unsophisticated America from being trapped
+by the wiles of the villain Britisher. One has it all on the best of
+authority--his own--in _My Three Years in America_ (SKEFFINGTON). Of course
+awkward incidents did occur, which have to be explained away or placidly
+ignored, but really, if the warlords at home had not been so invincibly
+tactless in the matter of drowning citizens of the United States, this
+simple and ingenuous diplomat might very well have succeeded, he would have
+us believe, in persuading President WILSON to declare in favour of a
+peace-loving All-Highest. As an essay in special pleading the book does not
+lack ingenuity, and as an example of the familiar belief that other peoples
+will shut their eyes and swallow whatever opinions the Teuton thinks good
+to offer them, it may have interest for the psychologist. For the rest it
+is a very prosy piece of literature, only saved occasionally in its dulness
+by the unconscious crudity of the hatreds lurking beneath its mask of
+plausibility. One of these hatreds is clearly directed against Ambassador
+GERARD, to whose well-known book this volume is in some sort a counter-
+blast. Neither a historian seeking truth nor a plain reader seeking
+recreation will have any difficulty in choosing between them.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Mr. D.A. BARKER, in _The Great Leviathan_ (LANE), doesn't merely leave you
+to make the obvious remark about his having taken Mr. H.G. WELL'S loose,
+tangential and, for a beginner, extraordinarily dangerous method as a
+model, but rubs it in (stout fellow!) by transplanting his hero to India,
+seemingly in order to have excuse for writing a passage which one would say
+was obviously inspired by that gorgeous description of the jungle in _The
+Research Magnificent_. Mr. BARKER has enough matter for two (or three)
+novels and enough skill in portraiture to make them more coherent and
+plausible than this. The theme is old but freshly seen. _Tom Seton_,
+resolved to avoid risking for his beloved the unhappiness which his mother
+had found in the bondage of marriage, offers her--indeed imposes on her--a
+free union. How the pressure of _The Great Leviathan_ (_Mrs. Grundy_--well,
+that's not perhaps quite the whole of the idea, but it will serve) drove
+her into the shelter of a formal marriage with a devoted don, I leave you
+to gather. I don't think the author quite succeeds in making _Mary's_
+defection inevitable, nor do I see the significance of the apparently quite
+irrelevant background of Indian philosophy and intrigue. But here's a
+well-written book, with sound positive qualities outweighing the defects of
+inexperience.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Captain ALAN BOTT ("Contact") has a literary gift of a high order, the gift
+of getting the very last thrill out of his experiences while telling his
+tale in the simplest and most straightforward way. In _Eastern Nights_
+(BLACKWOOD) he describes his adventures as a prisoner of the Turks, first
+in Damascus and Asia Minor and finally in Constantinople. The narrative,
+which is purely one of action, the action being supplied by the efforts,
+finally successful, of the author and various brother-officers to escape
+from their most unattractive captivity, nevertheless offers a most vivid
+picture of the social fabric of the Near East and in particular of the
+attitude of the _mélange_ of Oriental peoples that comprised the Turkish
+Empire towards the War in which they found themselves taking part, most of
+them with reluctance and all inefficiently. Apathy rather than calculated
+brutality was chiefly responsible for the hardships suffered by the
+prisoners of war of all nations who were unfortunate enough to fall into
+Turkish hands. From the point of view of an officer determined to escape,
+however, the prevalence of this quality was not without its advantage. Most
+of the officials (Turks and Germans excepted) with whom Captain BOTT and
+his fellow-officers had to do were pro-Ally at heart and ready enough to
+assist an escaping prisoner if they did not happen to be too timid. And
+even the Turk was amenable on occasion to baksheesh. Altogether a most
+fascinating book, _Eastern Nights_ is likely to win wide appreciation not
+alone for its literary merit but as a stirring record of the courage and
+resource, under desperate and trying conditions, of the Empire's soldiers.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Miss HENRIETTA LESLIE belongs to the school of novelists who believe in
+telling you all about their characters and leaving you to pass judgment on
+them yourself, without expert assistance. It is a fine impartial method
+which succeeds in representing life and the indecisiveness of human nature
+very well; but such books somehow lack the glow of more partisan writings.
+In _A Mouse with Wings_ (COLLINS) she tells the story of a woman's life
+from the time of her engagement until her son is a young man and she
+herself married again. _Olga_ is a splendid creature, but, as Miss LESLIE
+cleverly lets you see for yourself, the belief in her own principles and
+their application, which is the essence of her character, alienates her
+husband and makes something like a ninny of _Arnold_, her son. _A Mouse
+with Wings_ is not only the sobriquet of _Beryl_, the cheerful young
+Suffragette whom he loves, but has its application also to poor _Arnold_,
+who finds the courage to face life and a way out of it fighting in France.
+It is a nicely-written book with a little air of distinction, but, in case
+anyone should blame me for hushing it up, I ought to mention that both
+_Olga_ and _Beryl_ would probably have admired _Arnold_ a great deal more
+had he "found himself" by way of Conscientious Objection.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+I can testify that Mr. ZANE GREY'S _The Man of the Forest_ (HODDER AND
+STOUGHTON) is a yarn told with considerable zest and with just that
+undercurrent of sentiment which sweeps large portions of the British public
+completely off its feet. In this book the heroine, _Helen Rayner_, and her
+sister, _Bo_, leave Missouri for their uncle's ranch in New Mexico; but
+before they reach their destination many and wonderful adventures befall
+them. To escape from being kidnapped by some superb scoundrels they were
+hustled off to _Milt Dale's_ home in the forest, and there they had for a
+long time to remain. _Milt_ was one of nature's gentlemen, but as his boon
+companion was a cougar (whose uninviting picture is to be seen upon the
+paper cover), this forest home had its slight inconveniences. Mr. GREY,
+however, writes of it so admirably that he almost persuades me to be a
+camper-out, provided always that I may live in a cavern and not in a
+caravan. Cowboys, bandits, Mormons and other vigorous characters keep
+things moving at a terrific pace. But stirringly full of incident as this
+tale is, Mr. GREY never forgets that it is love that really makes the world
+go round. He is in short a born storyteller, with a style by no means to be
+despised, and I see no reason why his popularity should not continue to wax
+here, and ultimately to rival its American magnitude.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: ATMOSPHERE IN OUR RIVER BUNGALOWS.
+
+_Hostess_ (_to her husband, just arrived from Town_). "YOU'VE FORGOTTEN THE
+CHOP-STICKS, JOHN. YOU'VE SPOILT THE PARTY!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+ANOTHER GEDDES PROMOTION.
+
+    "Among celebrities who will watch British seamanship matched against
+    American are Franklin D. Roosevelt, Assistant Secretary of the Navy,
+    and Sir Auckland Geddes, British Admiral to the United States."--
+    _Canadian Paper._
+
+
+
+
+
+
+End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol.
+159, August 4th, 1920, by Various
+
+*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH ***
+
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+  .poem p.i12          {margin-left: 6em;}
+  .poem p.i16          {margin-left: 8em;}
+
+  .figure, .figcenter, .figright, .figleft
+  {padding: 1em; margin: 0; text-align: center; font-size: 0.8em;}
+  .figure img, .figcenter img, .figright img, .figleft img
+                       {border: none;}
+  .figure p, .figcenter p, .figright p, .figleft p
+                       {margin: 0; text-indent: 1em;}
+  .figure p.in, .figcenter p.in, .figright p.in, .figleft p.in
+                       {margin: 0; text-indent: 8em;}
+  .figcenter           {margin: auto;}
+  .figright            {float: right;}
+  .figleft             {float: left;}
+  -->
+  </style>
+</head>
+<body>
+
+
+<pre>
+
+The Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 159,
+August 4th, 1920, by Various
+
+This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with
+almost no restrictions whatsoever.  You may copy it, give it away or
+re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included
+with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org
+
+
+Title: Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 159, August 4th, 1920
+
+Author: Various
+
+Release Date: August 31, 2005 [EBook #16628]
+
+Language: English
+
+Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1
+
+*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH ***
+
+
+
+
+Produced by Jonathan Ingram, Keith Edkins and the Online
+Distributed Proofreading Team at https://www.pgdp.net
+
+
+
+
+
+
+</pre>
+
+ <h1>PUNCH,<br />
+  OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.</h1>
+
+  <h2>Vol. 159.</h2>
+  <hr class="full" />
+
+  <h2>August 4th, 1920.</h2>
+  <hr class="full" />
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="page81" id="page81"></a>[pg 81]</span>
+
+<h2>CHARIVARIA.</h2>
+
+  <p>A drought is reported from India and Eastern Africa. Considering the
+  amount of water which has recently escaped from clouds over here it is
+  not surprising to find that they are feeling the pinch in other
+  countries.</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+  <p>A correspondent writes to a weekly paper inquiring when Sir <font
+  class="sc">Eric Geddes</font> was born. We admire the fellow's restraint
+  in not asking "Why?"</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+  <p>We understand that one wealthy connoisseur has decided to give up
+  buying Old Masters in order to save up for the purchase of a railway
+  ticket.</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+  <p><i>The Daily Mail</i> points out that Lord <font
+  class="sc">Northcliffe</font> has left England for the Continent. Sir
+  <font class="sc">Eric Geddes</font> is said to have remarked that he will
+  catch his lordship coming back.</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+  <p>A gentleman who is about to travel to a South Coast resort writes to
+  inquire what his position will be if some future Government reduces the
+  railway fares before he arrives at his destination.</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+  <p>In view of the increased railway fares there is some talk of starting
+  a Mansion House Fund to convey Scotsmen home from England before it is
+  too late.</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+  <p>Of the new railway rates it can be said that those who go farthest
+  will fare worse.</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+  <p>With reference to the man who was seen laughing in the Strand the
+  other day, it should be pointed out that he is not an English tax-payer
+  but a Colonial who was catching the boat home next morning.</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+  <p>A Christmas-card posted at Farnham in December, 1905, has just been
+  delivered at Ivychurch. The theory is that the postal authorities mistook
+  it for a business communication.</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+  <p>The monocle is coming into fashion once again, and it is thought that
+  a motorist wearing one goggle will soon be quite a common sight.</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+  <p>In view of their unwieldiness and size it is being urged that motor
+  charabancs should be required to carry a special form of hooter, to be
+  sounded only when there is no room for a vehicle coming in the other
+  direction to pass. A more elaborate system of signals is also suggested,
+  notably two short squawks and a long groan, to signify "My pedestrian, I
+  think."</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+  <p>According to a County Court judge it is the duty of every motorist who
+  knocks down a pedestrian to go back and ask the man if he is hurt. But
+  surely the victim cannot answer such a question off-hand without first
+  consulting his solicitor.</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+  <p>A great pilgrimage of house-hunters has visited the enormous marrow
+  which is growing in an allotment at Ingatestone, but the strong military
+  guard sent to protect it has succeeded up to the present in frustrating
+  all attempts to occupy it.</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+  <p>A motor fire-engine dashed into a draper's shop in the North of London
+  last Tuesday week. We understand that one of the firemen with great
+  presence of mind justified his action by immediately setting fire to the
+  building.</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+  <p>A petrified fish about fifty feet long has been discovered in Utah.
+  This is said to be the largest sardine and the smallest whale America has
+  ever produced.</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+  <p>Building operations were interrupted in North London last week, when a
+  couple of sparrows built a nest on some foundations just where a
+  bricklayer was due to lay a brick the next day.</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+  <p>Six tourists motoring through the mountainous district of Ardèche
+  Department fell a thousand feet down a precipice, but escaped without
+  injury. We understand that in spite of many tempting offers from
+  cinematograph companies the motorists have decided not to repeat the
+  experiment.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+  <div class="figcenter" style="width:50%;">
+      <a href="images/079.png"><img width="100%" src="images/079.png"
+      alt="Three wickets for six." /></a>
+    <p><i>The Girl.</i> "<font class="sc">Isn't that Mr. Jones
+    bowling?</font>"</p>
+
+    <p><i>The Enthusiast.</i> "<font class="sc">Yes. The other day he took
+    three wickets for six.</font>"</p>
+
+    <p><i>The Girl.</i> "<font class="sc">How dreadful! I'd no idea he
+    drank.</font>"</p>
+  </div>
+<hr />
+
+<h2>SOLVING THE HOLIDAY FARE PROBLEM.</h2>
+
+  <p>"None but the rich can pay the fare" is as true at this moment as when
+  the words were first penned.</p>
+
+  <p>The reference, of course, is to the return fare, for the single fare
+  of tomorrow is hardly more than we paid without complaint in years gone
+  by for the journey there and back.</p>
+
+  <p>How comparatively few people seem to be aware that the solution of the
+  difficulty lies in not returning. Could anything be simpler?</p>
+
+  <p>Nobody wants to return. In preparing for a holiday our thoughts are
+  concentrated on when to go, where to go and how to get there. Who bothers
+  himself about when to come back, where to come back from, and how to do
+  it? After all, holiday-making is not to be confused with
+  prize-fighting.</p>
+
+  <p>That we have come back in the past has been due as much to custom as
+  to anything. Someone introduced the silly fashion of returning from
+  holidays, and we have unthinkingly acquired the habit. Once we shake off
+  this holiday convention the problem of the return fare is solved.</p>
+
+  <p>Just stay where you are and all will be well. Sooner or later your
+  friends or your employer (if your return is really considered desirable)
+  will send a money-order. But that is their look-out. The point is that
+  the return fare need not trouble <i>you</i>. And you can please yourself
+  as to what you buy with the money-order.</p>
+
+  <p>Why all this outcry then about the cost of travelling in the holiday
+  season?</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+  <blockquote>
+  <p>"M. Lappas, the young Greek tenor whose début last season won him a
+  host of fiends."&mdash;<i>Daily Paper.</i></p>
+
+  </blockquote>
+  <p>As <i>Mephistopheles</i>, we presume.</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+  <blockquote>
+  <p>"Lost, Monday, July 19th, silver purse containing 10s. note and
+  photographs; also lady's bathing costume."&mdash;<i>Local Paper.</i></p>
+
+  </blockquote>
+  <p>Wrapped up in the "Fisher," no doubt.</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+  <div class="poem">
+    <div class="stanza">
+      <p>I once knew a bowler named Patrick</p>
+      <p>Who, after performing the "hat-trick,"</p>
+      <p class="i4">Remarked, as he bowed</p>
+      <p class="i4">His respects to the crowd,</p>
+      <p>"It's nothing: I often do that trick!"</p>
+    </div>
+  </div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="page82" id="page82"></a>[pg 82]</span>
+
+<h2>BADLY SYNGED.</h2>
+
+  <p>The scene is the morning-room of the Smith-Hybrows' South London
+  residence. It is the day following the final performance of the
+  Smith-Hybrows' strenuous season of J.M. <font class="sc">Synge</font>
+  drama, undertaken with the laudable intention of familiarising the suburb
+  with the <i>real</i> Irish temperament and the works of the dramatist in
+  question.</p>
+
+  <p>Mrs. Smith-Hybrow is seated at the breakfast-table, her head buried
+  behind the coffee urn. She is opening her letters and "keening" softly as
+  she rocks in her chair.</p>
+
+  <p><i>Mrs. Smith-Hybrow</i> (<i>scanning a letter</i>). Will I be helping
+  them with the sale of work? It's little enough the like of me will be
+  doing for them the way I was treated at the last Bazaar, when Mrs.
+  McGupperty and Mrs. Glyn-Jones were after destroying me with the cutting
+  of the sandwiches. And was I not there for three days, from the rising of
+  the blessed sun to the shining of the blessed stars, cutting and cutting,
+  and never a soul to bear witness to the destroying labour of it, and the
+  two legs of me like to give way with the great weariness (<i>keens</i>)?
+  I'll have no call this year to be giving in to their prayers and
+  beseechings, and I won't care the way the Curate will be after trying to
+  come round me, with his eyes looking at me the way the moon kisses the
+  drops of dew on the hedgerows when the road is white.</p>
+
+  <blockquote>
+  <p>[<i>Opens another letter, keening the while in a slightly higher key.
+  Enter</i> Gertrude Smith-Hybrow. <i>She crosses to the window and stares
+  out.</i></p>
+
+  </blockquote>
+  <p><i>Gertrude.</i> There are black clouds in the sky, and the wind is
+  breaking in the west and making a great stir with the trees, and they are
+  hitting one on the other. And there is rain falling, falling from the
+  clouds, and the roads be wet.</p>
+
+  <p><i>Mrs. S.-H.</i> It is your mackintosh you will be wanting when you
+  are after going to the Stores.</p>
+
+  <p><i>Gertrude</i> (<i>coming to the table and speaking with dull
+  resentment</i>). And why should I be going to the Stores the way I have
+  enough to do with a meeting of the League for Brighter Homes and a
+  luncheon of the Cubist Encouragement Society? Isn't it a queer hard thing
+  that Dora cannot be going to the Stores, and her with time enough on her
+  hands surely?</p>
+
+  <blockquote>
+  <p>[<i>Sits in her place and begins keening. While she has been speaking
+  Dora has entered hurriedly, buttoning her jumper.</i></p>
+
+  </blockquote>
+  <p><i>Dora</i> (<i>vigorously</i>). And is it you, Gertrude Smith-Hybrow,
+  that will be talking about me having time on my hands? May the saints
+  forgive you for the hard words, and me having to cycle this blessed day
+  to Mrs. Montgomery's lecture on the Dadaist Dramatists, and the méringues
+  and the American creams to be made for to-night's Tchekoff Conversazione.
+  Is it not enough for a girl to be destroyed with the play-acting, and the
+  wind like to be in my face the whole way and the rain falling,
+  falling?</p>
+
+  <blockquote>
+  <p>[<i>Sits in her place and keens.</i></p>
+
+  </blockquote>
+  <p><i>Mrs. S.-H.</i> (<i>after an interval of keening</i>). Is it your
+  father that will be missing his train this morning, Dora
+  Smith-Hybrow?</p>
+
+  <p><i>Dora</i> (<i>rousing herself and selecting an egg</i>). It is my
+  father that will be missing his train entirely, and it is his son that
+  would this minute be sleeping the blessed daylight away had I not let
+  fall upon him a sponge that I had picked out of the cold, cold water.</p>
+
+  <p><i>Gertrude.</i> It is a flapper you are, Dora Smith-Hybrow.</p>
+
+  <p><i>Dora.</i> It is a flapper you will never be again, Gertrude
+  Smith-Hybrow, though you be after doing your queer best to look like
+  one.</p>
+
+  <p><i>Mrs. S.-H.</i> Whisht! Is it the time for loose talk, with the wind
+  rising, rising, and the rain falling, falling, and the price of butter up
+  another threepence this blessed morning?</p>
+
+  <blockquote>
+  <p>[<i>They all three recommence keening. Enter</i> Mr. Smith-Hybrow
+  <i>followed by</i> Cyril.</p>
+
+  </blockquote>
+  <p><i>Mr. S.-H.</i> (<i>staunching a gash in his chin</i>). Is it not a
+  hard thing for a man to be late for his breakfast and the rain falling,
+  falling, and the wind rising, rising. It's destroyed I am with the loss
+  of blood and no food in my stomach would keep the life in a flea.</p>
+
+  <blockquote>
+  <p>[<i>Sits in his place and opens his letters savagely.</i> Cyril, <i>a
+  cadaverous youth, stares gloomily into the depths of the
+  marmalade.</i></p>
+
+  </blockquote>
+  <p><i>Cyril</i> (<i>dreamily</i>). There's gold and gold and
+  gold&mdash;caverns of gold. And there's a woman with hair of gold and
+  eyes would pick the locks of a man's soul, and long shining hands like
+  pale seaweed. Is it not a terrible thing that a man would have to go to
+  the City when there is a woman with gold hair waiting for him in the
+  marmalade pot&mdash;waiting to draw him down into the cold, cold
+  water?</p>
+
+  <p><i>Dora.</i> Is it another spongeful you are wanting, Cyril
+  Smith-Hybrow, and myself destroyed entirely waiting for the
+  marmalade?</p>
+
+  <blockquote>
+  <p>[Cyril <i>blushes, passes the marmalade, sits down languidly and
+  selects an egg.</i> Mrs. S.-H. <i>pours out the coffee and resumes her
+  keening.</i></p>
+
+  </blockquote>
+  <p><i>Mr. S.-H.</i> (<i>glaring at her</i>). Is it not a nice thing for
+  the wife of a respectable City stockbroker to sit at the breakfast-table
+  making a noise like that of a cow that is waiting to be milked?</p>
+
+  <p><i>Mrs. S.-H.</i> (<i>hurt</i>). It is keening I am.</p>
+
+  <p><i>Gertrude</i> (<i>passing him "The Morning Post"</i>). Is it not
+  enough that the price of butter is up another threepence this blessed
+  day, and the wind rising, rising, and the rain falling, falling?</p>
+
+  <p><i>Mr. S.-H.</i> It is destroyed we shall all be entirely.</p>
+
+  <p><i>Cyril</i> (<i>gazing into the depths of his egg</i>). There was a
+  strange queer dream I was after having the night that has gone. It was on
+  the rocks I was....</p>
+
+  <p><i>Mr. S.-H.</i> (<i>glaring at the market reports</i>). It is on the
+  rocks we shall all be.</p>
+
+  <p><i>Cyril.</i> ... on the rocks I was by the sea-shore ...</p>
+
+  <p><i>Dora</i> (<i>slightly hysterically</i>). With the wind rising,
+  rising?</p>
+
+  <p><i>Cyril</i> (<i>nodding</i>). ... and the rain falling, falling. And
+  a woman of the chorus drove up in a taxi, and the man that had the
+  driving of it was eating an orange. The woman came and sat by the side of
+  me, and the peroxide in her hair made it gleam like the pale gold coins
+  that were in the banks before the Great War (<i>more dreamily</i>). Never
+  a word said she when I hung a chain of cold, cold sausages about her
+  neck, but her eyes were shining, shining, and into my hands she put a tin
+  of corned beef. And it is destroyed I was with the love of her, and would
+  have kissed her lips but I saw the park-keeper coming, coming out of the
+  sea for tickets, and I fled from the strange queer terror of it, and
+  found myself by a lamp-post in Hackney Wick with the wind rising, rising,
+  and the rain falling, falling.</p>
+
+  <blockquote>
+  <p>[<i>He stops. The others stare at him and at one another in piteous
+  inquiry. The women begin keening.</i> Mr. S.-H. <i>seizes the remaining
+  egg and cracks it viciously.</i></p>
+
+  </blockquote>
+  <p><i>Mr. S.-H.</i> (<i>falling back in his chair</i>). Damnation!</p>
+
+  <blockquote>
+  <p>[<i>The air is filled with a pungent matter-of-fact odour.</i> Dora,
+  <i>holding her handkerchief to her nose, rushes valiantly at the offender
+  and hurls it out of the window on to a flower-bed. The</i> <font
+  class="sc">Synge</font> <i>spell is broken.</i></p>
+
+  </blockquote>
+<hr />
+
+  <p>Mr. Punch begs to thank the seven hundred and forty-three
+  correspondents who have so thoughtfully drawn his attention to the too
+  familiar fact that "there's many a slip 'twixt the Cup and the <font
+  class="sc">Lipton</font>."</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="page83" id="page83"></a>[pg 83]</span>
+
+  <div class="figcenter" style="width:100%;">
+      <a href="images/081.png"><img width="100%" src="images/081.png"
+      alt="THE BLUE RIBBON OF THE SEA." /></a>
+    <h3>THE BLUE RIBBON OF THE SEA.</h3>
+
+    <p><font class="sc">Columbia.</font> "YOUR HEALTH, SIR THOMAS, AND
+    BETTER LUCK NEXT TIME."</p>
+
+    <p><font class="sc">Sir Thomas Lipton.</font> "'BUT LEAVE A KISS WITHIN
+    THE CUP AND [<i>very tactfully</i>] I'LL NOT ASK FOR WINE.'"</p>
+  </div>
+<hr />
+
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="page84" id="page84"></a>[pg 84]</span>
+
+  <div class="figcenter" style="width:100%;">
+      <a href="images/082.png"><img width="100%" src="images/082.png"
+      alt="The self-made man." /></a>
+    <p><i>Professional</i> (<i>to self-made man having his first
+    lesson</i>). "<font class="sc">You've hit this one hard enough, Sir,
+    and no mistake. Why, I've never seen a ball gashed like that
+    before</font>."</p>
+
+    <p><i>Self-made Man.</i> "<font class="sc">Well, lad, Ah mostly do get
+    results from onything Ah takes oop</font>."</p>
+  </div>
+<hr />
+
+<h2>THE SUCCULENT COMEDIANS.</h2>
+
+  <p>Among the literary and artistic treasures of American collectors the
+  manuscript of <font class="sc">Lamb's</font> essay on Roast Pig is
+  eminent. I have seen this rarity, which is now in the strong room where
+  Mr. <font class="sc">Pierpont Morgan</font> keeps his autographs safe
+  equally from fire and from theft&mdash;if not from the desire to thieve.
+  Much did I covet in this realm of steel, and <font
+  class="sc">Lamb's</font> MS. not least. The essay occupies both sides of
+  large sheets of foolscap, written in a minute hand, with very few
+  corrections, both the paper and the time occupied in transcription, if
+  not also in actual composition, being, I should guess, the East India
+  Company's. It is not, I imagine, the first draft, but the first fair copy
+  after all the changes had been made and the form was fixed; and its
+  author, if he is in any position to know what is going forward on a
+  planet which he left some six-and-eighty years ago, must have been amused
+  when he heard that so much money&mdash;thousands and thousands of
+  dollars&mdash;had been given for it at auction the other day.</p>
+
+  <p>Reading the essay again, in the faded ink on the yellowing paper, I
+  realised once more that everything that can be said about little pigs,
+  dead and ripe for the eater, had been said here and said finally. But the
+  living? That very evening I was to find little live pigs working for
+  their maintenance under conditions of which I had never dreamed, in an
+  environment less conducive, one would suppose, to porcine activity than
+  any that could be selected.</p>
+
+  <p>It was at Coney Island, that astonishing permanent and magnified
+  Earl's Court Exhibition, summer Blackpool and
+  August-Bank-Holiday-Hampstead-Heath, which New York supports for its
+  beguilement. In this domain of switchbacks and chutes, merry-go-rounds
+  and shooting-galleries, dancing-halls and witching waves, vociferous and
+  crowded and lit by a million lamps, I came suddenly upon the Pig Slide
+  and had a new conception of what quadrupeds can do for man.</p>
+
+  <p>The Pig Slide, which was in one of the less noisy quarters of Luna
+  Park, consisted of an enclosure in which stood a wooden building of two
+  storeys, some five yards wide and three high. On the upper storey was a
+  row of six or eight cages, in each of which dwelt a little live pig, an
+  infant of a few weeks. In the middle of the row, descending to the
+  ground, was an inclined board, with raised edges, such as is often
+  installed in swimming-baths to make diving automatic, and beneath each
+  cage was a hole a foot in diameter. The spectators and participants
+  crowded outside the enclosure, and the thing was to throw balls, which
+  were hired for the purpose, into the holes. Nothing could exceed the
+  alert and eager interest taken by the little pigs in the efforts of the
+  ball-throwers. They quivered on their little legs; they pressed their
+  little noses against the bars of the cages; their little eyes sparkled;
+  their tails (the only corkscrews left in America) curled and uncurled and
+  curled again: and with reason, for whereas, if you missed&mdash;as was
+  only too easy&mdash;nothing happened, if you threw accurately the fun
+  began, and the fun was also theirs.</p>
+
+  <p>This is what occurred. First a bell rang and then a spring released
+  the door of the cage immediately over the hole which your ball had
+  entered, so that it swung open. The little pig within, after watching the
+  previous infirmity of your aim with dejection, if not contempt, had
+  pricked up his ears on the sound of the bell, and now smiled a gratified
+  smile, irresistible in infectiousness, and trotted out, and, with the
+  smile dissolving into an expression of <span class="pagenum"><a
+  name="page85" id="page85"></a>[pg 85]</span> absolute beatitude, slid
+  voluptuously down the plank: to be gathered in at the foot by an
+  attendant and returned to its cage all ready for another such
+  adventure.</p>
+
+  <p>It was for these moments and their concomitant changes of countenance
+  that you paid your money. To taste the triumph of good marksmanship was
+  only a fraction of your joy; the greater part of it consisted in
+  liberating a little prisoner and setting in motion so much ecstasy.</p>
+
+  <p>We do not use baby pigs in this entertaining way in England. At the
+  most we hunt them greased. But when other beguilements weary we might.
+  The R.S.P.C.A. could not object, the little pets are so happy. And what a
+  privilege is theirs, both alive and dead, to enchant creation's lord.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+  <div class="figcenter" style="width:100%;">
+      <a href="images/083.png"><img width="100%" src="images/083.png"
+      alt="The Ultra-Modern artist." /></a>
+    <p><i>Ordinary Artist</i> (<i>to Ultra-Modern ditto</i>). "<font
+    class="sc">How topping those kiddies look with the sun on them! Oh, I
+    forgot&mdash;I mean those things splashing about over there. Of course
+    you don't see them as human beings</font>."</p>
+  </div>
+<hr />
+
+  <blockquote>
+  <p>"In order to give a lead in economy King George and Queen Mary and a
+  number of peeresses have decided not to wear plumes or tulle veils at the
+  opening of Parliament."&mdash;<i>Australian Paper.</i></p>
+
+  </blockquote>
+  <p>Very self-sacrificing of <font class="sc">His Majesty</font>.</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+  <blockquote>
+  <p>"'My husband says I must leavee teo-night,' said a wife at Acton. 'Oh,
+  hee eceanee't givee you ... notice to quit,' said the
+  magistrate."&mdash;<i>Evening Paper.</i></p>
+
+  </blockquote>
+  <p>His worship seems to have settled the matter with e's.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<h3>THE MINISTERING ANGEL.</h3>
+
+  <blockquote>
+  <p>[Yawning, it is now claimed, is an excellent thing for the
+  health.]</p>
+
+  </blockquote>
+  <div class="poem">
+    <div class="stanza">
+      <p>Stretched prone upon my couch of pain,</p>
+      <p class="i2">An ache in every limb,</p>
+      <p>Fell influenza having slain</p>
+      <p class="i2">My customary <i>vim</i>,</p>
+      <p>I mused, disconsolate, about</p>
+      <p class="i2">The pattern of my pall,</p>
+      <p>When lo! I heard a step without</p>
+      <p class="i2">And Thomson came to call.</p>
+    </div>
+
+    <div class="stanza">
+      <p>"Your ruddy health," I told him, "mocks</p>
+      <p class="i2">A hand too weak to grip</p>
+      <p>The tea-cup with its captive ox</p>
+      <p class="i2">And raise it to my lip;"</p>
+      <p>To which he answered he had come</p>
+      <p class="i2">To bring for my delight</p>
+      <p>Red posies of geranium</p>
+      <p class="i2">And roses pink and white.</p>
+    </div>
+
+    <div class="stanza">
+      <p>'Twas kind of Thomson thus to seek</p>
+      <p class="i2">To mitigate my gloom,</p>
+      <p>But why did he proceed to speak</p>
+      <p class="i2">Of how he'd reared each bloom,</p>
+      <p>Telling in language far from terse</p>
+      <p class="i2">On what his blossoms fed</p>
+      <p>And how he made the greenfly curse</p>
+      <p class="i2">The day that it was bred?</p>
+    </div>
+
+    <div class="stanza">
+      <p>He told me how he rose at dawn</p>
+      <p class="i2">To titivate the land</p>
+      <p>('Twas here that I began to yawn</p>
+      <p class="i2">Behind a courteous hand),</p>
+      <p>And how he thought his favourite pea</p>
+      <p class="i2">Had found the soil too dry</p>
+      <p>(And here I feared my yawns would be</p>
+      <p class="i2">Apparent to his eye).</p>
+    </div>
+
+    <div class="stanza">
+      <p>On fruit and blossom good and bad</p>
+      <p class="i2">He rambled on unchecked,</p>
+      <p>Until his conversation had</p>
+      <p class="i2">Such curative effect</p>
+      <p>That in the end it drove away</p>
+      <p class="i2">My weak despondent mood.</p>
+      <p>I clasped his hand and blessed the day</p>
+      <p class="i2">He came to do me good.</p>
+    </div>
+  </div>
+
+<hr />
+
+  <blockquote>
+  <p>"MORE DEARER PUBLICATIONS."&mdash;<i>Daily Mail.</i></p>
+
+  </blockquote>
+  <p>More dearer nor what they was? Dear, dear!</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+  <p>From <i>Young India</i>, the organ of Mr. <font
+  class="sc">Gandhi</font>:&mdash;</p>
+
+  <blockquote>
+  <p>"In our last issue the number of those in receipt of relief is given
+  at 500. This is a printer's devil. The number is 5,000."</p>
+
+  </blockquote>
+  <p>Mr. <font class="sc">Gandhi</font> ought to exorcise that devil.</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+  <blockquote>
+  <p>"The tests were entirely satisfactory, and the pilot man&#339;uvred
+  for a quarter of an hour at a height of 500 metres and a speed of 150
+  millimetres an hour."&mdash;<i>Aeronautics.</i></p>
+
+  </blockquote>
+  <p>This is believed to be the nearest approach to "hovering" that has yet
+  been achieved by a machine.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="page86" id="page86"></a>[pg 86]</span>
+
+<h2>NITRATES.</h2>
+
+  <div class="poem">
+    <div class="stanza">
+      <p>All alone I went a-walking by the London Docks one day,</p>
+      <p>For to see the ships discharging in the basins where they lay;</p>
+      <p>And the cargoes that I saw there they were every sort and kind,</p>
+      <p>Every blessed brand of merchandise a man could bring to mind;</p>
+      <p>There were things in crates and boxes, there was stuff in bags and bales,</p>
+      <p>There were tea-chests wrapped in matting, there were Eastern-looking frails,</p>
+      <p>There were baulks of teak and greenheart, there were stacks of spruce and pine,</p>
+      <p>There was cork and frozen carcasses and casks of Spanish wine,</p>
+      <p>There was rice and spice and cocoa-nuts, and rum enough was there</p>
+      <p>For to warm all London's innards up and leave a drop to spare;</p>
+    </div>
+
+    <div class="stanza">
+      <p>But of all the freights I found there, gathered in from far and wide,</p>
+      <p>All the smells both nice and nasty from the Pool to Barkingside,</p>
+      <p>All the harvest of the harbours from Bombay to Montreal,</p>
+      <p>There was one that took my fancy first and foremost of them all;</p>
+      <p>It was neither choice nor costly, it was neither rich nor rare</p>
+      <p>And, in most ways you can think of, it was neither here nor there,</p>
+      <p>It was nothing over-beautiful to smell nor yet to see&mdash;</p>
+      <p>Only bags of stuffy nitrate&mdash;but it meant a lot to me.</p>
+    </div>
+
+    <div class="stanza">
+      <p>I forgot the swarming stevedores, I forgot the dust and din,</p>
+      <p>And the rattle of the winches hoisting cargo out and in,</p>
+      <p>And the rusty tramp before me with her hatches open wide,</p>
+      <p>And the grinding of her derricks as the sacks went overside;</p>
+      <p>I forgot the murk of London and the dull November sky&mdash;</p>
+      <p>I was far, ay, far from England, in a day that's long gone by.</p>
+    </div>
+
+    <div class="stanza">
+      <p>I forgot the thousand changes years have brought in ships and men,</p>
+      <p>And the knots on Time's old log-line that have reeled away since then,</p>
+      <p>And I saw a fast full-rigger with her swelling canvas spread,</p>
+      <p>And the steady trade-wind droning in her royals overhead,</p>
+      <p>Fleecy trade-clouds on the sky-line&mdash;high above the Tropic blue&mdash;</p>
+      <p>And the curved arch of her foresail and the ocean gleaming through;</p>
+      <p>I recalled the Cape Stiff weather, when your soul-case seemed to freeze,</p>
+      <p>And the trampling, cursing watches and the pouring, pooping seas,</p>
+      <p>And the ice on spar and jackstay, and the cracking, volleying sail,</p>
+      <p>And the tatters of our voices blowing down the roaring gale ...</p>
+      <p>I recalled the West Coast harbours just as plain as yesteryear&mdash;</p>
+      <p>Nitrate ports, all dry and dusty, where they sell fresh water-dear&mdash;</p>
+      <p>Little cities white and wicked by a bleak and barren shore,</p>
+      <p>With an anchor on the cliff-side for to show you where to moor;</p>
+      <p>And the sour red wine we tasted, and the foolish songs we sung,</p>
+      <p>And the girls we had our fun with in the days when we were young;</p>
+      <p>And the dancing in the evenings down at Dago Bill's saloon,</p>
+      <p>And the stars above the mountains and the sea's eternal tune.</p>
+    </div>
+
+    <div class="stanza">
+      <p>Only bags of stuffy nitrate from a far Pacific shore,</p>
+      <p>From a dreary West Coast harbour that I'll surely fetch no more;</p>
+      <p>Only bags of stuffy nitrate, with its faint familiar smell</p>
+      <p>Bringing back the ships and shipmates that I used to know so well;</p>
+      <p>Half a lifetime lies between us and a thousand leagues of sea,</p>
+      <p>But it called the days departed and my boyhood back to me.</p>
+    </div>
+
+    <div class="stanza">
+      <p class="i16">C.F.S.</p>
+    </div>
+  </div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<h3>ROSES ALL THE WAY.</h3>
+
+  <p>Fired by an Irish rose-grower's pictures of some of his beautiful new
+  seedlings we are tempted to describe one or two of our own favourite
+  flowers in language similar to his own. This is an example of the way he
+  does it:&mdash;</p>
+
+  <blockquote>
+  <p>"<font class="sc">Lady Maureen Stewart</font> (<i>Hybrid
+  Tea</i>).&mdash;A gloriously-finished globular slightly imbricated cupped
+  bloom with velvety black scarlet cerise shell-shaped petals, whose reflex
+  is solid pure orangey maroon without veining. An excellent bloom, ideal
+  shape, brilliant and non-fading colour with heavy musk rose odour. Erect
+  growth and flower-stalk. Foliage wax and leathery and not too large. A
+  very floriferous and beautiful rose. 21<i>s.</i> each."</p>
+
+  </blockquote>
+  <p>Why not also these?&mdash;</p>
+
+  <p><font class="sc">David</font> (<i>Hybrid Tory-Lib.</i>).&mdash;A
+  gloriously-finished true-blue-slightly-imbricated-with-red-flag coalition
+  rose whose deep globular head with ornate decorative calyx retains its
+  perfect exhibition-cross-question-hostile-amendment symmetry of form
+  without blueing or burning in the hottest Westminster sun. Its smiling
+  peach and cerise endearments terminating in black scarlet shell-shaped
+  waxy Berlin ultimata are carried on an admirably rigid peduncle. Equally
+  vigorous in all parts of Europe. Superbly rampant. Not on sale.</p>
+
+  <p><font class="sc">Austen</font> (<i>Tea and most other
+  things</i>).&mdash;This bottomless-cupped
+  bank-paper-white-edged-and-rimmed-with-tape-pink-margin bloom, the reflex
+  of whose never-fading demand notes is velvety black thunder-cloud with
+  lightning-flash six-months-in-the-second-division veinations, has never
+  been known to be too full. It is supported by a landlordly stalk of the
+  utmost excess-profits-war-profits-minor-profits rigidity. A decorative,
+  acquisitive and especially captivating rose, and already something more
+  than a popular favourite. 18<i>s.</i> in £1.</p>
+
+  <p><font class="sc">Sir Thomas</font> (<i>Ceylon and India
+  Tea</i>).&mdash;This true sport from the British bull-dog rose has a
+  slightly globular double-hemisphere-popular
+  greatly-desiring-and-deserving-to-be-cupped bloom whose pearly preserved
+  cream flesh is delicately flushed and mottled with tinned salmon and
+  dried apricot. Rich golden and banking-account stamina, foliage deep navy
+  blue with brass buttons and a superb fragrance of western ocean. Its
+  marvellous try-try-try-again floriferousness in all weathers is the
+  admiration of all beholders. Price no object.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+  <p>From a weather forecast:&mdash;</p>
+
+  <blockquote>
+  <p>"General Outlook.&mdash;It appears probable that further expressions
+  will arrive from the westward or north-westward before long, and that
+  after a temporary improvement the weather will again become unsettled;
+  with much cloud and occasional rain."&mdash;<i>Evening Paper.</i></p>
+
+  </blockquote>
+  <p>In which event further expressions (of a sultry character) may be
+  expected from all round the compass.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="page87" id="page87"></a>[pg 87]</span>
+
+<h3>"COME UNTO THESE YELLOW SANDS."</h3>
+
+  <div class="figcenter" style="width:100%;">
+      <a href="images/085-1.png"><img width="100%" src="images/085-1.png"
+      alt="COME UNTO THESE YELLOW SANDS." /></a>
+    "<font class="sc">Come unto these yellow sands and then&mdash;</font>
+  </div>
+  <div class="figcenter" style="width:100%;">
+      <a href="images/085-2.png"><img width="100%" src="images/085-2.png"
+      alt="Take Hands." /></a>
+    &mdash;<font class="sc">take hands</font>."&mdash;[<i>The Tempest</i>,
+    Act I., Sc. 2.
+  </div>
+<hr />
+
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="page88" id="page88"></a>[pg 88]</span>
+
+<h2>QUEEN'S COUNSEL.</h2>
+
+  <p>The Fairy Queen shook her head in answer to my question. "No," she
+  said, "I have no favourite flower."</p>
+
+  <p>She had dropped in after dinner, as was her occasional habit, and at
+  the moment sat perched on a big red carnation which stood in a
+  flower-glass on the top of my desk.</p>
+
+  <p>"You see," she continued, floating across to where I was sitting and
+  lowering her voice confidentially, for there were a good many flowers
+  about&mdash;"you see it would never do. Just think of the trouble it
+  would cause. Imagine the state of mind of the lilies if I were to show a
+  preference for roses. There's always been a little jealousy there, and
+  they're all frightfully touchy. The artistic temperament, you know. Why,
+  I daren't even sleep in the same flower two nights running."</p>
+
+  <p>"Yes, I see," I said. "It must be very awkward."</p>
+
+  <p>I lapsed into silence; I had had a worrying day and was feeling tired
+  and a little depressed. The Queen fluttered about the room, pausing a
+  moment on the mantel-shelf for a word or two with her old friend the
+  Dresden china shepherdess. Then she came back to the desk and performed a
+  brief <i>pas seul</i> on the shining smooth cover of my pass-book. My
+  mind flew instantly to my slender bank-balance and certain recent
+  foolishnesses.</p>
+
+  <p>"Talking of favourites," I said&mdash;"talking of favourites, do you
+  take any interest in racing?"</p>
+
+  <p>Instantly the Queen subsided on to my rubber stamp damper, which was
+  fortunately dry.</p>
+
+  <p>"Oh, yes," she replied, "I take a <i>great</i> interest in racing. I
+  love it. I can give you all sorts of hints."</p>
+
+  <p>I thought it was a pity she hadn't called a week or two earlier. I
+  might have been a richer woman by a good many pounds.</p>
+
+  <p>"And there are so many kinds," continued the Queen earnestly. "Now in
+  a butterfly race it's always best just to hold on and let them do as they
+  like. It's not a bit of use trying to make them go straight. Rabbits are
+  better in that way, but even rabbits are a little uncertain at times.
+  Full of nerves. But have you ever tried swallow-racing?" she went on
+  enthusiastically. "It's simply splendid. You give them their heads and
+  you never know <i>where</i> you may get to. But, anyway, it doesn't
+  really matter in the least afterwards who wins; it's only while it's
+  happening that you feel so thrilled, isn't it?"</p>
+
+  <p>I didn't acquiesce very whole-heartedly. I'm afraid my thoughts were
+  with my lost guineas. It <i>had</i> rather mattered afterwards. I really
+  had been very foolish.</p>
+
+  <p>"You look depressed," said the Fairy Queen. "Can I help you? I'm
+  really extremely practical. You know, don't you," she leaned forward and
+  looked at me earnestly, "that I should be delighted if I could assist you
+  with any advice?"</p>
+
+  <p>I hesitated. Just before she came I had been anxiously considering as
+  to how I was going to make one hundred pounds do the work of two during
+  the next few weeks; but somehow I didn't quite like to mention such
+  material matters to the Queen; it didn't seem suitable.</p>
+
+  <p>I looked up and met her kind eyes fixed on mine with an expression of
+  the gentlest interest and solicitude.</p>
+
+  <p>"I wonder," I said, still hesitating, "whether you know anything about
+  stocks and shares?"</p>
+
+  <p>"Stocks and shares," she repeated slowly, looking just a little vague
+  and puzzled. And then&mdash;"Oh, yes, of course I do, if that's all you
+  want to know."</p>
+
+  <p>I felt quite pleased now that I had really got it out.</p>
+
+  <p>"If you could just give me a useful hint or two I should be
+  tremendously grateful," I said. Already thousands loomed entrancingly
+  before me. Already I saw myself settled in that darling cottage on the
+  windy hill above Daccombe Wood. Already&mdash;</p>
+
+  <p>"I think I had better get a pencil and paper," I said. "My memory's
+  dreadful."</p>
+
+  <p>But the Fairy Queen shook her head.</p>
+
+  <p>"I'll write it down for you," she said, "and you can read it when I'm
+  gone. That's so much more fun. But I don't need paper."</p>
+
+  <p>She drew a tiny shining implement from her pocket and, picking up a
+  couple of rose-petals which had fallen upon the table, she busied herself
+  with them for a moment at my desk, her mouth pursed up, her brows
+  contracted in an expression of intense seriousness.</p>
+
+  <p>"There," she said, "that's that. And now show me <i>all</i> your new
+  clothes."</p>
+
+  <p>We spent quite a pleasant evening over one thing and another, and I
+  forgot all about the rose-leaves until after she had gone; but when I
+  came back to my empty sitting-room they shone in the dusk with a soft
+  radiance which came, I discovered, from the writing on them. It glowed
+  like those luminous figures on watches which were so entrancing when they
+  first appeared. I had never realised before that they were fairy
+  figures.</p>
+
+  <p>I spread the petals out on my palm, feeling quite excited at the
+  prospect of making my fortune by such means, though I was a little
+  anxious as to how I was going to make use of the information I was about
+  to acquire.</p>
+
+  <p>"I will ask Cousin Fred," I decided (Cousin Fred being a stockbroker),
+  and I smiled a little to myself as I thought how amazed and possibly
+  amused my dapper cousin would be when he learnt the source of my
+  knowledge. He might even refuse to believe in it&mdash;and then where
+  should I be?</p>
+
+  <p>I needn't have troubled. When I unfolded my rose-petals this is what I
+  read:&mdash;</p>
+
+  <p>"<i>Stocks.</i>&mdash;The white ones are much the best and have by far
+  the sweetest scent.</p>
+
+  <p><i>Shares.</i>&mdash;<i>Always</i> go shares."</p>
+
+<p class="author">R.F.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<h2>HEART OF MINE.</h2>
+
+<p class="center">(<i>Being a rather hysterical contribution
+from our Analytical Novelist.</i>)</p>
+
+  <p><i>Friday.</i>&mdash;I suppose one never realises till one is actually
+  dead how nearly dead one can be without actually being it. You see what I
+  mean? No. Well, how blithely, how recklessly one rollicks through life,
+  fondly believing that one is in the best of health, in the prime of
+  condition, and all the time one is the unconscious victim of some fatal
+  infirmity or disease. I mean, take my own case. I went to see my doctor
+  in order to be cured of hay fever. He examined my heart. He made me take
+  off my shirt. He hammered my chest; he rapped my ribs with his knuckles
+  to see if they sounded hollow. I don't know why he did this, but I think
+  he was at one time attached to a detective and has got into the habit of
+  looking for secret passages and false panels and so on.</p>
+
+  <p>Anyhow, he suspected my chest, and he listened at it for so long that
+  any miscreant who had been concealed in it would have had to give himself
+  away by coughing or blowing his nose.</p>
+
+  <p>After a long time he said, "Your heart's dilated. You want a complete
+  rest. Don't work. Don't smoke. Don't drink. Don't eat. Don't do anything.
+  Take plenty of exercise. Sit perfectly still. Don't mope. Don't rush
+  about. Take this before and after every meal. Only don't have any meals."
+  I laughed at him. I knew my heart was perfectly sound, much sounder than
+  most men's. I went home. I didn't even have the prescription made up.</p>
+
+  <p><i>Saturday.</i>&mdash;Now comes the tragic thing. <i>That very night
+  I realised that he was right.</i> There <i>is</i> something wrong with my
+  heart. It is too long. It is too wide. It is too thick. It is out of
+  place. It would be difficult to say <i>exactly</i> where the measurements
+  <span class="pagenum"><a name="page89" id="page89"></a>[pg 89]</span> are
+  wrong, but one has a sort of <i>sense</i> ... you know?... One can feel
+  that it is too large.... A swollen feeling.... Somehow I never felt this
+  before; I never even felt that it was there ... but now I always know
+  that it is there&mdash;trying to get out.... I put my hand on it and can
+  feel it definitely expanding&mdash;like a football bladder. Sometimes I
+  think it wants to get out at my collar-bone; sometimes I think it will
+  blow out under my bottom rib; sometimes some other way. It is
+  terrible....</p>
+
+  <p>I have had the prescription made up.</p>
+
+  <p><i>Sunday.</i>&mdash;The way it beats! Sometimes very fast and heavy
+  and emphatic, like a bad barrage of 5.9's. Fortunately my watch has a
+  second-hand, so that I can time it&mdash;forty-five to the half-minute,
+  ninety-five to the full minute. Then I know that the end is very near;
+  everyone knows that the normal rate for a healthy adult heart is
+  seventy-two. Then sometimes it goes very slow, very dignified and faint,
+  as when some great steamer glides in at slow speed to her anchorage, and
+  the engines thump in a subdued and profound manner very far away, or as
+  when at night the solemn tread of some huge policeman is heard, remote
+  and soft and dilated&mdash;I mean dilatory, or as when&mdash;But you see
+  what I mean.</p>
+
+  <p><i>Monday.</i>&mdash;How was it, I wonder, that all this was hidden
+  from me for so long? And now what am I to do? I am a doomed man. With a
+  heart like this I cannot last long. I have resigned my clubs; I have
+  given up my work. I can think of nothing but this dull pain, this heavy
+  throbbing at my side. My work&mdash;ha! Yesterday I met another young
+  doctor at tea. He asked me if there was any "murmur." I said I did not
+  know&mdash;no one had told me. But after tea I went away and listened.
+  Yes, there was a murmur; I could hear it plainly. I told the young
+  doctor. He said that murmurs were not considered so important nowadays.
+  What matters is "the reaction of the heart to work." By that test I am
+  doomed indeed. But the murmur is better.</p>
+
+  <p><i>Tuesday.</i>&mdash;I have told Anton Gregorovitch Gregorski. He
+  says he has a heart too.</p>
+
+  <p><i>Wednesday.</i>&mdash;I have been learning things to-day. I am worse
+  even than the doctor thought. In a reference book in the dining-room
+  there is a medical dictionary. It says: "Dilatation leads to dropsy,
+  shortness of breath and blueness of the face." I have got some of those
+  already. I have never seen a face so blue. It is like the sea in the
+  early morning.</p>
+
+  <p><i>Thursday.</i>&mdash;The heart is bigger again to-day&mdash;about an
+  inch each way. The weight of it is terrible to carry.... I have to take
+  taxis.... This evening it was going at thirty-two to the minute....</p>
+
+  <p><i>Friday.</i>&mdash;Last night, when I tried to count the beats, I
+  could not find it.... It must have stopped.... Anton Gregorovitch says it
+  is the end.... This is my last entry....</p>
+
+  <p><i>Saturday.</i>&mdash;My face is very blue. It is like a
+  forget-me-not ... it is like a volume of <i>Hansard</i>....</p>
+
+  <p>I shall go to see the doctor as I promised ... he can do nothing, but
+  it will interest him to see how much bigger the heart has grown in the
+  last few days....</p>
+
+  <p>No more....</p>
+
+  <p><i>Sunday.</i>&mdash;The doctor said it was much better.... It is
+  undilated again.... After all I am not going to die. But the reaction to
+  work is still bad. This evening I make it sixty to the minute....</p>
+
+  <p><i>Monday.</i>&mdash;This morning's count was seventy-two. It is
+  terrible....</p>
+
+<p class="author">A.P.H.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+  <div class="figcenter" style="width:100%;">
+      <a href="images/087.png"><img width="100%" src="images/087.png"
+      alt="Going down for the third time." /></a>
+    <p><i>Sympathetic Old Lady.</i> "<font class="sc">And when you went
+    down for the third time the whole of your past life of course flashed
+    before your eyes</font>?"</p>
+
+    <p><i>Longshore Billy.</i> "<font class="sc">I expect it did, Mum, but
+    I 'ad 'em shut at the time, so I missed it</font>."</p>
+  </div>
+<hr />
+
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="page90" id="page90"></a>[pg 90]</span>
+
+  <div class="figcenter" style="width:100%;">
+      <a href="images/088.png"><img width="100%" src="images/088.png"
+      alt="Don't cats go to heaven?" /></a>
+    <p><i>Mollie.</i> "<font class="sc">Auntie, don't cats go to
+    heaven</font>?"</p>
+
+    <p><i>Auntie.</i> "<font class="sc">No, my dear. Didn't you hear the
+    Vicar say at the Children's Service that animals hadn't souls and
+    therefore could not go to heaven</font>?"</p>
+
+    <p><i>Mollie.</i> "<font class="sc">Where do they get the strings for
+    the harps, then</font>?"</p>
+  </div>
+<hr />
+
+<h3>FLOWERS' NAMES.</h3>
+
+  <div class="poem">
+    <div class="stanza">
+      <p class="i8"><font class="sc">Shepherd's Purse</font>.</p>
+    </div>
+
+    <div class="stanza">
+      <p>There was a silly shepherd lived out at Taunton Dene</p>
+      <p class="i2">(Hey-nonny-nonny-no for Taunton in the summer!)</p>
+      <p>And oh, but he was bitter cold! and oh, but he was mean!</p>
+      <p>The maidens vowed a bitterer had never yet been seen</p>
+      <p class="i12">At Taunton in the summer.</p>
+    </div>
+
+    <div class="stanza">
+      <p>He lived to gather in the gold&mdash;he loved to hear it chink</p>
+      <p class="i2">(Hey-nonny-nonny-no for Taunton in the summer!),</p>
+      <p>And he could only dream of gold&mdash;of gold could only think;</p>
+      <p>And all the fairies watched him, and they watched him with a wink</p>
+      <p class="i12">At Taunton in the summer.</p>
+    </div>
+
+    <div class="stanza">
+      <p>At last one summer noonday, when the sky was blue and deep</p>
+      <p class="i2">(Hey-nonny-nonny-no for Taunton in the summer!),</p>
+      <p>They made him heavy-headed as he watched beside his sheep</p>
+      <p>And all the little Taunton elves came stealing out to peep</p>
+      <p class="i12">At Taunton in the summer.</p>
+    </div>
+
+    <div class="stanza">
+      <p>They opened wide his wallet and they stole the coins away</p>
+      <p class="i2">(Hey-nonny-nonny-no for Taunton in the summer!),</p>
+      <p>They took the round gold pieces and they used them for their play,</p>
+      <p>They rolled and chased and tumbled them and lost them in the hay</p>
+      <p class="i12">At Taunton in the summer.</p>
+    </div>
+
+    <div class="stanza">
+      <p>And when they'd finished playing they used all their magic powers</p>
+      <p class="i2">(Hey-nonny-nonny-no for Taunton in the summer!);</p>
+      <p>The silly shepherd woke and wept, he sought his gold for hours,</p>
+      <p>And all he found was drifts and drifts of tiny greenish flowers</p>
+      <p class="i12">At Taunton in the summer.</p>
+    </div>
+  </div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<h4>More Work for His Majesty's Judges.</h4>
+
+  <blockquote>
+  <p>"Potato disease has unfortunately made its appearance in the
+  &mdash;&mdash; district, the early and second early crops being seriously
+  attacked. The late crops are free from disease up to the present, and it
+  is hoped by judicial spraying to save them."&mdash;<i>Local
+  Paper.</i></p>
+
+  </blockquote>
+<hr class="short" />
+
+  <p>From an interview with the Superintendent of Regent's Park:&mdash;</p>
+
+  <blockquote>
+  <p>"'People seem surprised,' he said, 'when I tell them that within a few
+  minutes' walk of Baker Street Station, and the incessant din of
+  Marylebone Road, such birds as the cuckoo, flycatcher, robin and wren
+  have reared their young.'"&mdash;<i>Observer.</i></p>
+
+  </blockquote>
+  <p>To hear of the cuckoo bringing up its own family in any circumstances
+  was, we confess, a little bit of a shock.</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+  <blockquote>
+  <p>"'Idling, my dear fellow!' was Mr. Jerome K. Jerome's decisive answer
+  to my question: 'What do you most like doing at holiday-time?'</p>
+
+  <p>'But if, and only when, I am really driven to exertion, let me have a
+  horse between my legs, a pair of oars, and a billiard-table, and I ask
+  nothing more of the gods.'"&mdash;<i>Answers.</i></p>
+
+  </blockquote>
+  <p>The next time Mr. <font class="sc">Jerome</font> indulges in this
+  performance may we be there to see.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="page91" id="page91"></a>[pg 91]</span>
+
+  <div class="figcenter" style="width:100%;">
+      <a href="images/089.png"><img width="100%" src="images/089.png"
+      alt="THE LEAGUE OF YOUTH." /></a>
+    <h3>THE LEAGUE OF YOUTH.</h3>
+
+    <p><font class="sc">War-weary World</font> (<i>at the Jamboree</i>). "I
+    WAS NEARLY LOSING HOPE, BUT THE SIGHT OF ALL YOU BOYS GIVES IT BACK TO
+    ME."</p>
+  </div>
+<hr />
+
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="page93" id="page93"></a>[pg 93]</span>
+
+<h2>ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT.</h2>
+
+  <p><i>Monday, July 26th.</i>&mdash;When the Peers were about to discuss
+  the Law of Property Bill, which seeks to abolish the distinction between
+  land and other property, Lord <font class="sc">Cave</font> dropped a
+  bombshell into the Committee by moving to omit the whole of Part I. Lords
+  <font class="sc">Haldane</font> and <font class="sc">Buckmaster</font>
+  were much upset and loudly protested against the proposal to cut out "the
+  very heart and substance of the measure." The <font class="sc">Lord
+  Chancellor</font> was less perturbed by the explosion and was confident
+  that after further discussion he could induce the <font
+  class="sc">Cave</font>-dwellers to come into line with modern
+  requirements. Thirty-four clauses thus disappeared with a bang; and of
+  the hundred and odd remaining only one gave much trouble. Objection was
+  taken to Clause 101, granting the public full rights of access to
+  commons, on the grounds <i>inter alia</i> that it would give too much
+  freedom to gipsies and too little to golfers. Lord <font
+  class="sc">Salisbury</font>, who, like the counsel in a famous legal
+  story, claimed to "know a little about manors," was sure that only the
+  lord could deal faithfully with the Egyptians, but, fortified by Lord
+  <font class="sc">Haldane's</font> assurance that the clause gave the
+  public no more rights and the lords of the manor no less than they had
+  before, the House passed it by 42 to 29.</p>
+
+  <p>Mr. <font class="sc">Bridgeman</font>, for the Board of Trade, bore
+  the brunt of the early questioning in the House of Commons. He sustained
+  with equal imperturbability the assaults of the Tariff Reformers, who
+  asserted that British toy-making&mdash;an "infant industry" if ever there
+  was one&mdash;was being stifled by foreign imports: and those of the Free
+  Traders, who objected to the Government's efforts to resuscitate the
+  dyeing trade.</p>
+
+  <p>The alarming rumours in the Sunday papers about the <font
+  class="sc">Prime Minister's</font> state of health were effectively
+  dispelled by his appearance on the Front Opposition, a little
+  weary-looking, no doubt, but as alert as ever to seize the weak point in
+  the adversary's case and to put his own in the most favourable light.
+  From the enthusiasm of his announcement that the Soviet Government had
+  accepted our invitation to attend a Conference in London, one would have
+  thought that the Bolshevists had agreed to the British proposals
+  unconditionally and that peace&mdash;"that is what the world
+  wants"&mdash;was now assured.</p>
+
+  <div class="figright" style="width:50%;">
+      <a href="images/090.png"><img width="100%" src="images/090.png"
+      alt="This little pig went to market." /></a>
+    <p><i>David.</i> "<font class="sc">You know the rhyme, Grandmama, that
+    says&mdash;</font></p>
+
+    <div class="i16">
+    <p>'<font class="sc">This little pig went to market,</font></p>
+	<p><font class="sc">And this little pig stayed at home'</font>?"</p>
+	</div>
+
+    <p><i>The Mother of Parliaments.</i> "<font class="sc">Yes, David,
+    dear. Why do you mention it</font>?"</p>
+
+    <p><i>David.</i> "<font class="sc">Oh, I was merely wondering what was
+    to be done about it</font>."</p>
+  </div>
+  <p>Abhorrence of the Government of Ireland Bill is the one subject on
+  which all Irishmen appear to think alike. It is, no doubt, with the
+  desire to preserve that unanimity that the <font class="sc">Prime
+  Minister</font> announced his intention of pressing the measure forward
+  after the Recess "with all possible despatch."</p>
+
+  <p>But before that date it looks as if Irishmen would have despatched one
+  another. The little band of Nationalists had handed in a batch of
+  private-notice Questions arising out of the disturbances in Belfast.
+  Their description of them as the outcome of an organised attack upon
+  Catholics was indignantly challenged by the Ulstermen, and the <font
+  class="sc">Speaker</font> had hard work to maintain order. The contest
+  was renewed on a motion for the adjournment. As a means of bringing peace
+  to Ireland the debate was absolutely futile. But it enabled Mr. <font
+  class="sc">Devlin</font> to fire off one of his tragical-comical
+  orations, and Sir H. <font class="sc">Greenwood</font> to disclaim the
+  accusation that he had treated the Irish problem with levity. "There is
+  nothing light and airy about me," he declared; and no one who has heard
+  his pronunciation of the word "Belfast" would doubt it.</p>
+
+  <p>Before and after this melancholy interlude good progress was made with
+  the Finance Bill, and Mr. <font class="sc">Chamberlain</font> made
+  several further concessions to the "family-man."</p>
+
+  <p><i>Tuesday, July 27th.</i>&mdash;The Lords rejected the Health Resorts
+  and Watering Places Bill under which local authorities could have raised
+  a penny rate for advertising purposes. Lord <font
+  class="sc">Southwark's</font> well-meant endeavour to support the Bill by
+  reminding the House that Irish local authorities had enjoyed this power
+  since 1909 was perhaps the proximate cause of its defeat, for it can
+  hardly be said that the last few weeks have enhanced the reputation of
+  Ireland as a health resort.</p>
+
+  <p>Mr. <font class="sc">Harmsworth</font> utterly confounded the critics
+  of the Passport Office. Its staff may appear preposterously large and its
+  methods unduly dilatory, but the fact remains that it is one of the few
+  public departments that actually pays its way. Last year it spent
+  thirty-seven thousand pounds and took ninety-one thousand pounds in fees.
+  "See the world and help to pay for the War" should be the motto over its
+  portals.</p>
+
+  <p>It is, of course, quite proper that soldiers who wreck the property of
+  civilians&mdash;albeit under great provocation&mdash;should receive
+  suitable punishment. But a sailor is hardly the man to press for it.
+  Lieutenant-Commander <font class="sc">Kenworthy</font> received a
+  much-needed lesson in etiquette when Major <font
+  class="sc">Jameson</font> gravely urged, in his penetrating Scotch voice,
+  that soldiers in Ireland should be ordered not to distract the prevailing
+  peace and quiet of that country, but should keep to their proper function
+  of acting as targets for Sinn Fein bullets.</p>
+
+  <p>Mr. <font class="sc">Chamberlain</font> dealt very gingerly with Sir
+  <font class="sc">Arthur Fell's</font> inquiry as to whether "any ordinary
+  individual can understand the forms now sent out by the Income Tax
+  Department?" Fearing that if he replied in the affirmative he would be
+  asked to solve some particularly abstruse conundrum, he contented himself
+  with saying that the forms were complicated because the tax was
+  complicated, and the tax was complicated because of the number and
+  variety of the reliefs granted to the taxpayer. It does not seem to have
+  occurred <span class="pagenum"><a name="page94" id="page94"></a>[pg
+  94]</span> to him that it is the duty of the <font class="sc">Chancellor
+  of the Exchequer</font> to make the tax simple as well as equitable. Is
+  it conceivable that he can have forgotten <font class="sc">Adam
+  Smith'</font>s famous maxims on the subject, and particularly this: "The
+  time of payment, the manner of payment, the quantity to be paid, ought
+  all to be clear and plain to the contributor, and to every other
+  person"?</p>
+
+  <div class="figright" style="width:33%;">
+      <a href="images/091.png"><img width="100%" src="images/091.png"
+      alt="MR. BONAR LAW PACKS HIS TRUNKS." /></a>
+    <p>MR. BONAR LAW PACKS HIS TRUNKS.</p>
+  </div>
+  <p>The House did not rise till half-past one this morning, and was again
+  faced with a long night's work. In vain Sir <font class="sc">Donald
+  Maclean</font> protested against the practice of taking wee sma' Bills in
+  the wee sma' oors. Mr. <font class="sc">Bonar Law</font> was obdurate. He
+  supposed the House had not abandoned all hope of an Autumn recess. Well,
+  then, had not the poet said that the best of all ways to lengthen our
+  days was to steal a few hours from the night?</p>
+
+  <p>The Report stage of the Finance Bill was finished off, but not until
+  the Government had experienced some shocks. The Corporation tax, intended
+  partially to fill the yawning void which will be caused some day by the
+  disappearance of E.P.D.&mdash;on the principle that one bad tax deserves
+  another&mdash;was condemned with equal vigour, but for entirely different
+  reasons, by Colonel <font class="sc">Wedgwood</font> and Sir F. <font
+  class="sc">Banbury</font>. They "told" together against it and had the
+  satisfaction of bringing the Government majority down to fifty-five.</p>
+
+  <p>The champions of the Co-operative Societies also put up a strong fight
+  against the proposal to make their profits, for the first time, subject
+  to taxation. Mr. <font class="sc">Chamberlain</font> declined, however,
+  to put them in a privileged position as compared with other traders, but
+  carried his point only by sixty-one votes.</p>
+
+  <p><i>Wednesday, July 28th.</i>&mdash;In spite of the limitation of
+  Questions the Member for Central Hull still manages to extract a good
+  deal of information from the Treasury Bench. This afternoon he learned
+  from Mr. <font class="sc">Long</font> that the Board of Admiralty was not
+  created solely for the purpose of satisfying his curiosity; and from Mr.
+  <font class="sc">Kellaway</font> that the equipment of even the most
+  versatile Under-Secretary does not include the gift of prophecy.</p>
+
+  <p>At long last the House learned the Government decision regarding the
+  increase in railway fares. It is to come into force on August 6th, by
+  which time the most belated Bank-Holiday-maker should have returned from
+  his revels. Mr. <font class="sc">Bonar Law</font> appended to the
+  announcement a surely otiose explanation of the necessity of the
+  increase. Everybody knows that railways are being run at a loss, due in
+  the main to the increased wages of miners and railway-men. Mr. <font
+  class="sc">Thomas</font> rather weakly submitted that an important factor
+  was the larger number of men employed, and was promptly met with the
+  retort that that was because of the shorter hours worked.</p>
+
+  <p>Cheered by the statement of its Leader that he still hoped to get the
+  adjournment by August 14th the House plunged with renewed zest into the
+  final stage of the Finance Bill. Mr. <font class="sc">Bottomley</font>,
+  whose passion for accuracy is notorious, inveighed against the lack of
+  this quality in the Treasury Estimates. As for the war-debt, since the
+  Government had failed to "make Germany pay," he urged that the principal
+  burden should be left for posterity to shoulder.</p>
+
+  <p>These sentiments rather shocked Mr. <font class="sc">Asquith</font>,
+  who, while mildly critical of Government methods, was all in favour of
+  "severe, stringent, drastic taxation." Mr. <font
+  class="sc">Chamberlain</font> repeated his now familiar lecture to the
+  House of Commons, which, while accusing the Government of extravagance,
+  was always pressing for new forms of expenditure. In the study of economy
+  he dislikes abstractions&mdash;except from the pockets of the
+  taxpayer.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+  <blockquote>
+  <p>"Company's water is on to the house and cowshed."&mdash;<i>Advert. in
+  Daily Paper.</i></p>
+
+  </blockquote>
+  <p>Now we know why our water is sometimes contaminated with milk.</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+  <blockquote>
+  <p>"One of the most striking of the collection of exhibits of fascinating
+  interest [at the Imperial War Museum] is the Air Force map for carrying
+  out the British plan for bombing Berlin. Specimens of the bombs, weighing
+  3,000 pounds each, are also included in this museum of war souvenirs with
+  the object of demonstrating the resources of the Empire and giving a
+  stimulus to its trade."&mdash;<i>South African Paper.</i></p>
+
+  </blockquote>
+  <p>Motto for British traders: "If at first you don't succeed, try, try
+  trinitrotoluene."</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<h2>THE BIRTHDAY PRESENT.</h2>
+
+  <p>I went into the morning-room with a worried frown upon my brow.
+  Kathleen was doing the accounts at the table.</p>
+
+  <p>"Kathleen," I said, "it's Veronica's birthday on Wednesday
+  and&mdash;"</p>
+
+  <p>"What did you say seven eighths were?" said Kathleen. "I asked you
+  last week."</p>
+
+  <p>"I can't possibly carry complicated calculations in my head from week
+  to week," I said; "you should have made a note of it at the time. It's
+  Veronica's birthday on Wednesday, and what do you think she wants?"</p>
+
+  <p>But Kathleen was enthralled by the greengrocer's book. "Have we really
+  had eight cabbages this week?" she said. "We must, I suppose.
+  Greengrocers are generally honest; they live so near to nature. Well,
+  now," she shut up her books, "what were you saying, dear?"</p>
+
+  <p>I sighed, cleared my throat and began again. "It's Veronica's birthday
+  on Wednesday, and what do you think she wants? She wants," I said
+  dramatically, "a 'frush' from the bird-shop in the village. The ones that
+  hang in cages outside the door."</p>
+
+  <p>"Well," said Kathleen, "why not?"</p>
+
+  <p>"Why not?" I became more than serious. "A daughter of ours has
+  demanded for a plaything a caged bird. Psychologically it is an important
+  occasion. Now or never must she learn to look upon a caged bird with
+  horror. What I am thinking of is the psychological effect upon the
+  child's character. The psychological&mdash;"</p>
+
+  <p>"You needn't worry about Veronica's psychology," said Kathleen.
+  "Veronica's psychology is in the right place."</p>
+
+  <p>"You misunderstand the meaning of the word," I said loftily. "However,
+  if you wish to wash your hands of Veronica's training, if you refuse to
+  cope with your own child, I must take it upon myself."</p>
+
+  <p>"Do," said Kathleen sweetly; "I'll listen."</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+  <p>It was Veronica's birthday. We were outside the bird-shop. The
+  thrushes in cages hung around the door.</p>
+
+  <p>Veronica lifted grave blue eyes to me trustingly. "You promised me a
+  frush, darlin'," she said.</p>
+
+  <p>Veronica is small for her name and has a disarming habit of
+  introducing terms of endearment into her conversation.</p>
+
+  <p>"You didn't quite understand me," I said gently. "I said I'd think
+  about it."</p>
+
+  <p>"Yes, but that means promising, doesn't it? Finking about it
+  <i>means</i> promising. I <i>fought</i> you meant promising. <span
+  class="pagenum"><a name="page95" id="page95"></a>[pg 95]</span> I fought
+  all night you meant promising. Darlin'." The last word was a sentence all
+  by itself.</p>
+
+  <p>Kathleen raised her eyebrows when we came out with the bird in the
+  cage.</p>
+
+  <p>"This isn't quite the moment," I said with dignity; "it's best to let
+  her get it first and realise afterwards."</p>
+
+  <p>"Let's all go to Crown Hill now," said Veronica in a voice that
+  admitted of no denial.</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+  <p>We were on Crown Hill. Veronica had hugged the cage to her small bosom
+  all the way, making little reassuring noises to its occupant.</p>
+
+  <p>"Now," said Kathleen, "hadn't you better begin? Isn't this the
+  psycho&mdash;you know what moment?"</p>
+
+  <p>I took a deep breath and began.</p>
+
+  <p>"Veronica," I said, "listen to me for a moment. If you were a little
+  bird&mdash;"</p>
+
+  <p>But she wasn't listening to me. She had held up the little wooden
+  cage, opened the clasp of the door and, with a rapt smile on her small
+  shining face, was watching the "frush" as he soared into the air with a
+  sudden burst of song.</p>
+
+  <p>We none of us spoke till he had vanished from sight. Then Veronica
+  broke the silence.</p>
+
+  <p>"It's all my very own plan," she said proudly. "I planned it all by
+  myself. An' all my birfdays I'm going to have one of that nasty man's
+  frushes for a present, and we'll all free come up here and let it
+  out&mdash;always an' always an' for ever an' ever&mdash;right up till I'm
+  a hundred."</p>
+
+  <p>"Why stop at a hundred?" I murmured, recovering myself with an
+  effort.</p>
+
+  <p>But I could not escape Kathleen's eye.</p>
+
+  <p>"I hope you feel small," it said.</p>
+
+  <p>I did.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+  <div class="figcenter" style="width:100%;">
+      <a href="images/092.png"><img width="100%" src="images/092.png"
+      alt="The unworthy yachtsman." /></a>
+    <p><i>The Colonel.</i> "<font class="sc"><i>Anyone</i> may miss the
+    tide or get stuck upon a mud-bank; but to lose the matches and forget
+    the whisky is to prove yourself unworthy of the name of
+    'yachtsman'!</font>"</p>
+  </div>
+<hr />
+
+<h2>RHYMES OF THE UNDERGROUND.</h2>
+
+  <div class="poem">
+    <div class="stanza">
+      <p class="i16">I.</p>
+    </div>
+
+    <div class="stanza">
+      <p>I never heard of Ruislip, I never saw its name,</p>
+      <p>Till Underground advertisements had brought it into fame;</p>
+      <p>I've never been to Ruislip, I never yet have heard</p>
+      <p>The true pronunciation of so singular a word.</p>
+    </div>
+
+    <div class="stanza">
+      <p>I'd like to go to Ruislip; I'd like to feast my eyes</p>
+      <p>On "scenes of sylvan beauty" that the posters advertise;</p>
+      <p>But, though I long to view the spot, while I am in the dark</p>
+      <p>About its name I dare not face the booking-office clerk.</p>
+    </div>
+
+    <div class="stanza">
+      <p>Suppose I ventured "Riz-lip" and in answer to his "Eh?"</p>
+      <p>Stammered "Ruse-lip, Rise-lip, Rees-lip," just imagine how he'd say,</p>
+      <p>"Well, where <i>do</i> you want to book to?" and the voices from behind,</p>
+      <p>"Must we wait until this gentleman has ascertained his mind?"</p>
+    </div>
+
+    <div class="stanza">
+      <p class="i16">II.</p>
+    </div>
+
+    <div class="stanza">
+      <p>The trains that stop at Down Street&mdash;(Sing willow-waly-O!)&mdash;</p>
+      <p>They run through Hyde Park Corner as fast as they can go;</p>
+      <p>And trains at Hyde Park Corner that stop&mdash;(Oh dearie me!)&mdash;</p>
+      <p>Contrariwise at Down Street are "non-stop" as can be.</p>
+    </div>
+
+    <div class="stanza">
+      <p>There's a man at Down Street Station&mdash;he came there years ago</p>
+      <p>To get to Hyde Park Corner&mdash;(Sing willow-waly-O!)&mdash;</p>
+      <p>And, as the trains go past him, 'tis pitiful to see</p>
+      <p>Him beat his breast and murmur, "Oh dearie, dearie me!"</p>
+    </div>
+  </div>
+
+<hr />
+
+  <blockquote>
+  <p>'"The Rev. R.S. &mdash;&mdash; has accepted the post of librarian of
+  Pussy House, Oxford."&mdash;<i>Local Paper.</i></p>
+
+  </blockquote>
+  <p>And will soon get to work on the catalogue.</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+  <blockquote>
+  <p>"<font class="sc">Wanted</font>&mdash;a middle-aged Witty Indian to
+  read Bengali religious books and capable of telling witty and fairy tales
+  from 12 to 3 p.m."&mdash;<i>Indian Paper.</i></p>
+
+  </blockquote>
+  <p>This might suit Mr. <font class="sc">Gandhi</font>. If not witty, he
+  is very good at fairy-tales.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="page96" id="page96"></a>[pg 96]</span>
+
+<h2>VADE MECUMS.</h2>
+
+  <p>I have invented a new sort of patience. It is called Vade Mecums. The
+  rules are quite simple and all the plant you need for it is a "Vade
+  Mecum" traveller's handbook and a complete ignorance of all languages but
+  your own. Get one of these fascinating little classics, a passport and a
+  single to Boulogne, and you can begin at once.</p>
+
+  <p>The game consists in firing off (in the local lingo) every single
+  phrase that occurs in the book. The only other rule in the game is that
+  the occasion for making each remark must be reasonably apposite. You need
+  not keep to the order in the book and no points are awarded for
+  pronunciation, provided that the party addressed shows by word or deed
+  that he (or she) has understood you. By way of illustration I will give
+  some account of my first experiments in this enthralling pastime.</p>
+
+  <p>As it happened I was able to start at once&mdash;too soon, in fact, to
+  be altogether comfortable. We had scarcely put out from Folkestone before
+  I got my chance. The sea was distinctly rough, but I just had time to
+  open my Vade Mecum at page 228 (sub-heading, "On embarking and what
+  happens at sea"), and to read to a passing French steward the first
+  sentence that caught my eye. It was as follows: "The wind is very
+  violent; the sea is very rough; the waves are very high; the rolling of
+  the vessel makes my head ache; I am very much inclined to be sick."</p>
+
+  <p>After that I made no more progress till we reached Boulogne; but from
+  the steward's subsequent actions I judged that he had understood; so I
+  was one up.</p>
+
+  <p>My Vade Mecum, like most of its kind, was unfortunately compiled many
+  years ago and had never been brought up to date. This, of course, saved
+  me the expense of having to hire aeroplanes or even motor-cars, but it
+  landed me in quite a number of difficulties at the opposite extreme, as
+  you will see.</p>
+
+  <p>For instance, in order to polish off the heading, "Of what may happen
+  on the road," I was compelled to obtain a carriage. Judge then my joy
+  when, on reaching a carriage builder's, I discovered a whole section
+  tucked away in a corner of the book dealing exclusively with that very
+  topic. I can think of no other conceivable circumstances under which I
+  could have said, "The wheels are in a miserable state; the body is too
+  heavy; the springs are too light; the shafts are too short; the pole is
+  too thin; the shape is altogether old-fashioned, and the seats are both
+  high and uncomfortable."</p>
+
+  <p>Yet now I said it all&mdash;in two halves, it is true, and in two
+  different shops; but still I said it all. The first half cost me three
+  front teeth, which fell out while the outraged <i>carrossier</i> was
+  ejecting me; the second cost me a large sum of money, because somehow or
+  other I found I had <i>bought</i> the vehicle in question. This I fancy
+  must have been occasioned by my turning over two pages at once, so that I
+  suppose I really said, "Mr. X., you are an honest man; I will give you
+  ten thousand francs, but on condition that you furnish splinter-bars and
+  traces also for that price."</p>
+
+  <p>Still one must pay for one's pleasures, and once <i>en route</i> I
+  made short work of the "What-may-happen-on-the-road" section. The
+  sentence from which I anticipated most trouble was this: "Postilion,
+  stop. A spoke of one of the wheels is broken; some of the harness is
+  undone; a spring is also broken and one of the horses' shoes is come
+  off." I got out all this (without having to tell a lie too) and was just
+  looking feverishly through the book to find phrases to describe the
+  ricketty state of every other part of the vehicle when the off hind-wheel
+  came in half, the front axle snapped and the carriage rolled over on its
+  side stone dead. When I came to myself I found that I was comfortably
+  seated in a ditch, my driver beside me and my Vade Mecum still open in my
+  hand; so I had the gratification of being able to continue the
+  conversation where I had left off. "We should do well," I read, "to get
+  out."</p>
+
+  <p>I will not detain you long over the difficulties that I had with the
+  "Society" section. But I feel I ought to mention the business of the
+  Countess, if only to put intending players on their guard. There is a
+  puzzling phrase which occurs in answer to the observation, "Pray come
+  nearer the fire; I am sure you must be cold." The proper answer is, "No,
+  I thank you. I am very well placed here beside the Countess." It took me
+  a month to find a Countess, two to meet her in the drawing-room of a
+  mutual friend, and four to recover from the hole which the irascible
+  little Count made in me when we met next morning on the field of
+  honour.</p>
+
+  <p>So I pass sadly and with tears of chagrin to my ultimate defeat. I met
+  my Waterloo, my friends, in the section labelled "The Tailor." Requests
+  within reason I can comply with, for the fun of the thing. Eatables and
+  drinks, suites of rooms and carriages, when ordered on the lavish scale
+  of my Vade Mecum, are not exactly <i>cheap</i> now-a-days. But it's about
+  the limit when one's Mecum expects one to squander the savings of a
+  lifetime in ordering several suits of clothes at once. And yet there it
+  was as large as life, the accursed sentence that made me shut the book
+  with a snap and come home:&mdash;"These coats fit me well, though the cut
+  is not fashionable. I shall require also three pairs of trousers, three
+  nankeen pantaloons and four waistcoats."</p>
+
+  <p>If anyone feels inclined to try my patience&mdash;and theirs&mdash;I
+  should like to mention that I have a nice annotated Mecum and a good
+  second-hand carriage for disposal at a very moderate figure.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<h2>A VICTIM OF FASHION.</h2>
+
+  <p>Like everybody else that one knows, Kidger is an ex-service man.
+  During the last year of that war on the Continent some time ago he had
+  the acting rank of captain, as second in command of a six-mangle army
+  laundry.</p>
+
+  <p>When I knew him in pre-war days he was an amiable character, with only
+  two serious weaknesses. One of these was an exaggerated fastidiousness
+  about clothes, and the other an undue deference to the dicta of the
+  Press. A leader in <i>The Tailor and Cutter</i> would make him thoughtful
+  for days. This fatal concern about clothing amounted to a mania where
+  neckwear was concerned.</p>
+
+  <p>In pre-war days he wore the ordinary single, perpendicular variety of
+  collar, with sharp turn-over points, starched and white to match his
+  shirts.</p>
+
+  <p>Before leaving England to join his laundry, Kidger, with a magnificent
+  gesture, abandoned his fine collection of collars to his aunt, bidding
+  her convert them to some patriotic end. The fond lady, however, fearing
+  lest anything should befall her nephew if a hot sector of the line moved
+  up to the laundry, preserved them carefully, and Kidger was very glad to
+  reclaim them on his demobilisation.</p>
+
+  <p>One unfortunate day Kidger's morning paper contained one of those
+  Fashions for Men columns, where he learned that the best people were
+  wearing only soft collars, as they couldn't stand being cooped up in
+  starch after the freedom of uniform. Kidger felt that as an ex-army man
+  it was up to him to maintain any military tradition, and he immediately
+  bought several dozen, soft white collars with long sharp points. The
+  fellow in the shop said they were correct.</p>
+
+  <p>A week later another expert mentioned in print that no man who had any
+  self-respect wore collars with sharp corners.</p>
+
+  <p>Kidger is not a manual worker. He reduced his cigarette allowance and
+  bought some round-cornered ones, white as before. And then his aunt
+  directed the poor fellow's attention to <span class="pagenum"><a
+  name="page97" id="page97"></a>[pg 97]</span> a paragraph by an authority
+  signing himself "The Colonel," which stated that none but the profiteer
+  was wearing white collars, and that you might know the man who had done
+  his bit by the fact that he wore a blue one with slightly rounded
+  corners, accompanied by a self-coloured tie of a darker shade, tied in a
+  neat butterfly bow.</p>
+
+  <p>This was a blow to Kidger, but he resigned from his golf club and laid
+  in some haberdashery in accordance with "The Colonel's" orders.
+  Recommendations would be too mild a word. I saw the paragraph&mdash;most
+  peremptory.</p>
+
+  <p>But in a rival paper "Brigadier" mentioned only three days later that
+  none but the most noxious bounder and tout would be found dead in a blue
+  collar with a white shirt. Kidger saw the truth of this at once; he had
+  receptivity if not intuition. After a trying interview with his banker he
+  bought several blue shirts.</p>
+
+  <p>Then the General who contributes "Sartorial Tips" to several leading
+  journals remarked that, since all kinds of people were wearing coloured
+  shirts and collars, the man who desired to retain or achieve that touch
+  of distinction which means so much must at any cost wear white ones; and
+  that, further, Society was frowning on the slovenly unstarched neck-wear
+  of the relapsed temporary gentleman.</p>
+
+  <p>Kidger began to show signs of neurasthenia. His stock of pre-war
+  collars was exhausted, or rather eroded. His faithful aunt, however,
+  remembered a neglected birthday and gave him a dozen new ones, of the
+  up-and-down model, to save Kidger's delicate neck. These, with his nice
+  butterfly-bow ties, looked really well, and Kidger recovered his old
+  form.</p>
+
+  <p>I warned him to keep to the police and Parliamentary news in the
+  papers, but his eyes would wander. The result was that he learned from
+  "Brigade Major" that the wearing of a butterfly bow with a double event
+  collar was a solecism past forgiveness or repentance, and that its smart
+  appearance was the deadly bait which caught the miserable bumpkin who
+  ignorantly fancied that a man could dress by the light of nature.</p>
+
+  <p>Kidger collapsed. His aunt volunteered to sell her annuity and help
+  him, but the innate nobility of the man forbade him to accept this
+  useless sacrifice.</p>
+
+  <p>His medical attendant tells me that he is now allowed to read only
+  poetry, wearing a sweater meanwhile, and that arrangements are being made
+  for him to join a sheep-farming cousin in Patagonia, where collars are
+  despised and newspapers invariably out of date.</p>
+
+<p class="author">W.K.H.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+  <div class="figcenter" style="width:100%;">
+      <a href="images/094.png"><img width="100%" src="images/094.png"
+      alt="I told 'ee to grease the wheels." /></a>
+    <div class="i16">
+    <p><i>She.</i> "<font class="sc">I told 'ee to grease the wheels afore
+    we come out</font>."</p>
+
+    <p><i>He.</i> "<font class="sc">It be as much as I can do to keep up
+    with it as 'tis</font>."</p>
+    </div>
+  </div>
+<hr />
+
+  <blockquote>
+<h4>A Superfluous Announcement.</h4>
+
+  <p>"The Government have found it impossible to proceed with the
+  Government of Ireland before the Autumn Session."&mdash;<i>Daily
+  Paper.</i></p>
+
+  </blockquote>
+<hr class="short" />
+
+  <blockquote>
+  <p>"Clerk (Junior) Wanted for Spinners' Office, age
+  1617.&mdash;<i>Yorkshire Paper.</i></p>
+
+  </blockquote>
+  <p>"Junior," we take it, is a misprint.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="page98" id="page98"></a>[pg 98]</span>
+
+<h3>EDWARD AND THE B.O.F.</h3>
+
+  <p>It was the first Sunday of the season, and the select end of
+  Folkesbourne revealed in each carefully curled geranium leaf, in each
+  carefully-combed blade of grass, the thought and labour expended by the
+  B.O.F. (Borough of Folkesbourne).</p>
+
+  <p>Upon the greensward stood orderly rows of well-washed chairs, each
+  with B.O.F. neatly stencilled upon its back. On this day, however, and at
+  this hour (12.30 <font class="sc">p.m.</font>) scarce a B.O.F. was
+  visible; each was hidden by a well-dressed visitor. And between the
+  orderly rows of well-dressed visitors paraded orderly pairs of
+  superbly-dressed visitors.</p>
+
+  <p>I was standing at the corner by the steps leading to the lower parade
+  and thence to the beach and the rocks where the common people (myself on
+  week-days, for instance) go to paddle with their children. I was wearing
+  my new pale-grey suit which cost&mdash;but you will know more or less
+  what it cost; I need not labour an unpleasant subject&mdash;and I was
+  actually talking at the time to a member of the B.O.F.</p>
+
+  <p>"This is Peace at last," he was saying; "the place really begins to
+  look&mdash;"</p>
+
+  <p>It was at this moment that Edward appeared. His route was the very
+  centre of the lawn. He was wearing a battered Panama hat, a much-darned
+  brownish jersey, and his nether man&mdash;or rather boy, for Edward's
+  years are but four&mdash;was encased in paddling drawers made of the same
+  material as a sponge-bag. Black sand-shoes completed his outfit, and a
+  broken shrimping-net trailed behind him. At the moment when Edward first
+  caught my horrified eye a particularly well-groomed young gentleman of
+  about his own age caught Edward's eye in turn. Edward paused to survey
+  this silken wonder with interest. Then, as if prompted thereto by the
+  sight, he snatched off his hat and, casting it upon the ground, kicked it
+  vigorously across the grass.</p>
+
+  <p>The removal of the hat was the last straw, for Edward's hair is
+  provocatively red. My friend of the B.O.F. advanced towards him with the
+  intention of exerting authority and restoring discipline. Edward turned
+  at the sound of a stern voice. Possibly he might have put out his
+  tongue&mdash;you never know with Edward. But, what was worse, far worse,
+  he saw me. With a glad cry of "Daddy" he rushed to me and, regardless of
+  the fact that his front was covered with green slime, the result of going
+  <i>ventre à pierre</i> over the rocks, he flung his arms round my
+  legs.</p>
+
+  <p>I would gladly have sunk into the ground. All eyes were upon us, and
+  remained, as I felt, upon me, even when a breathless nursery-maid had
+  retrieved Edward and borne him seawards once more.</p>
+
+  <p>One especially I had noticed, a very superbly dressed female visitor
+  who had paused to witness the whole scene and was now resuming her
+  promenade. I dreaded the comment which I felt I should overhear as she
+  passed me&mdash;"What a horrible child!" it would be at the very least.
+  But women are strangely unaccountable, even in so highly civilised an
+  atmosphere as this. I distinctly heard her say, "What a darling!"</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+  <div class="figcenter" style="width:50%;">
+      <a href="images/095.png"><img width="100%" src="images/095.png"
+      alt="Those who tell untruths never get to Heaven." /></a>
+    <p><i>Mother.</i> "<font class="sc">It is very naughty to tell
+    untruths, Kitty. Those who do so never get to Heaven</font>."</p>
+
+    <p><i>Kitty.</i> "<font class="sc">Didn't you ever tell an untruth,
+    Mummy</font>?"</p>
+
+    <p><i>Mother.</i> "<font class="sc">No, dear&mdash;never</font>."</p>
+
+    <p><i>Kitty.</i> "<font class="sc">Well, you'll be fearfully lonely,
+    won't you, with only George Washington</font>?"</p>
+  </div>
+<hr />
+
+<h4>The Horrors of Peace.</h4>
+
+  <blockquote>
+  <p>"Wanted.&mdash;Boy for Butchering, about 15 years old."&mdash;<i>Local
+  Paper.</i></p>
+
+  </blockquote>
+  <p>Extract from a solicitor's letter:&mdash;</p>
+
+  <blockquote>
+  <p>"The sale of the above premises is now nearing completion and we
+  expect to have the conveyance ready for execution in the course of a
+  short period the length of which depends to some extent upon how soon we
+  can obtain the execution of the Bishop."</p>
+
+  </blockquote>
+<hr />
+
+<h3>NEO-TOPICS.</h3>
+
+  <div class="poem">
+    <div class="stanza">
+      <p>There was a young neo-<font class="sc">Delane</font></p>
+      <p>Whose writing was frequently sane;</p>
+      <p class="i4">But the name of <font class="sc">Lloyd George</font></p>
+      <p class="i4">So uplifted his gorge</p>
+      <p>That it threatened to swallow his brain.</p>
+    </div>
+
+    <div class="stanza">
+      <p>There was an adored neo-Queen</p>
+      <p>Who ruled the whole world on the screen;</p>
+      <p class="i4">She simply knocked spots</p>
+      <p class="i4">Off poor <font class="sc">Mary of Scots</font>,</p>
+      <p>But she doubled the gloom of our Dean.</p>
+    </div>
+
+    <div class="stanza">
+      <p>There was an advanced neo-Georgian,</p>
+      <p>Or perhaps we should say Georgy-Porgian,</p>
+      <p class="i4">When asked to declare</p>
+      <p class="i4">What his principles were,</p>
+      <p>He invariably answered, "Pro-Borgian."</p>
+    </div>
+
+    <div class="stanza">
+      <p>There was a great neo-Art critic</p>
+      <p>Whose style was extremely mephitic;</p>
+      <p class="i4">He treated <font class="sc">van Gogh</font></p>
+      <p class="i4">And <font class="sc">Cézanne</font> as dead dog,</p>
+      <p>And <font class="sc">John</font> as a growth parasitic.</p>
+    </div>
+  </div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<h4>Our Bloated Pluralists.</h4>
+
+  <blockquote>
+  <p>"Wanted, Organist. Small country church. Salary £20. Good lodgings.
+  (Could be held with post of Milker on Manor Farm; permanent work; Sundays
+  free; ample salary.)"&mdash;<i>Church Times.</i></p>
+
+  </blockquote>
+<hr class="short" />
+
+  <blockquote>
+  <p>"The Grimsby trawler Silurian has towed Sir George Grahame, Minister
+  Plenipotentiary in Paris, to be his Majesty's Ambassador Extraordinary
+  and Plenipotentiary to the King of the Belgians."&mdash;<i>Provincial
+  Paper.</i></p>
+
+  </blockquote>
+  <p>We really think the Government might have provided him with a
+  torpedo-boat.</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+  <blockquote>
+  <p>"The one thing which the Cabinet does not intend to do is to authorise
+  the proclamation of marital law. It would engage far too many
+  troops."&mdash;<i>Provincial Paper.</i></p>
+
+  </blockquote>
+  <p>The Irish girls are <i>so</i> attractive.</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+  <blockquote>
+  <p>"A friend of mine bought from a bookseller who was also, oddly enough,
+  a bibliophile himself, a copy of Arnold's very rare book, <i>The Strayed
+  Revetter</i>, by A. He gave 6d. It is worth £5."&mdash;<i>Book
+  Post.</i></p>
+
+  </blockquote>
+  <p>Surely more than that!</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+  <blockquote>
+  <p>"An Ipswichomnibus pushed its bonnet through the window of a millinery
+  shop."&mdash;<i>Daily Paper.</i></p>
+
+  </blockquote>
+  <p>This intelligent animal (believed to be the female of the
+  Brontosaurus) was probably seeking a change of headgear.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="page99" id="page99"></a>[pg 99]</span>
+
+  <div class="figcenter" style="width:100%;">
+      <a href="images/096.png"><img width="100%" src="images/096.png"
+      alt="The profiteer." /></a>
+    <div class="i16">
+    <p><i>Tripper.</i> "<font class="sc">I've a bloomin' good mind to
+    report you for profiteering.</font>"</p>
+
+    <p><i>Old Salt.</i> "<font class="sc">What yer talkin'
+    about?</font>"</p>
+
+    <p><i>Tripper.</i> "<font class="sc">Well, them shrimps I bought off
+    you. One of em's got only one eye.</font>"</p>
+    </div>
+  </div>
+<hr />
+
+<h2>OUR BOOKING-OFFICE.</h2>
+
+<p class="center">(<i>By Mr. Punch's Staff of Learned Clerks.</i>)</p>
+
+  <p>I rather wish that the publishers of <i>Invincible Minnie</i> (<font
+  class="sc">Hodder and Stoughton</font>) had not permitted themselves to
+  print upon the wrapper either their own comments or those of Miss <font
+  class="sc">Elisabeth Sanxay Holding</font>, the author. Because for my
+  part, reading these, I formed the idea (entirely wrong) that the book
+  would be in some way pretentious and affected; whereas it is the simple
+  truth to call it the most mercilessly impersonal piece of fiction that I
+  think I ever read. There is far too much plot for me to give you any but
+  a suggestion of it. The story is of the lives of two sisters,
+  <i>Frances</i> and <i>Minnie</i>; mostly (as the title implies) of
+  <i>Minnie</i>. To say that no one but a woman would have dared to imagine
+  such a heroine, much less to follow her, through every phase of
+  increasing hatefulness, to her horrid conclusion is to state an obvious
+  truism. It is incidentally also to give you some idea of the kind of
+  person <i>Minnie</i> is, that female Moloch, devastating,
+  all-sacrificing, beyond restraint.... As for Miss <font
+  class="sc">Holding</font>, the publishers turned out to be within the
+  mark in claiming for her "a new voice." I don't, indeed, for the moment
+  recall any voice in the least like it, or any such method; too honest for
+  irony, too detached for sentiment and, as I said above, entirely
+  merciless. Towards the end I found myself falling back on the old
+  frightened protest, "People don't do these things." I still cling to this
+  belief, but the fact remains that Miss <font class="sc">Holding</font>
+  has a haunting trick of persuading one that they might. Minor faults,
+  such as an irritating idiom and some carelessness of form, she will no
+  doubt correct; meanwhile you have certainly got to read&mdash;"to suffer"
+  would be the apter word&mdash;this remarkable book, whose reception I
+  await with curiosity.</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+  <p>A much misunderstood man is Count <font class="sc">Bernstorff</font>,
+  formerly German Ambassador at Washington. While we were all supposing him
+  to be a bomb-laden conspirator, pulling secret strings in Mexico or
+  Canada or Japan from the safe protection afforded to his embassy, really
+  he was the most innocent of men, anxious for nothing but to keep
+  unsophisticated America from being trapped by the wiles of the villain
+  Britisher. One has it all on the best of authority&mdash;his own&mdash;in
+  <i>My Three Years in America</i> (<font class="sc">Skeffington</font>).
+  Of course awkward incidents did occur, which have to be explained away or
+  placidly ignored, but really, if the warlords at home had not been so
+  invincibly tactless in the matter of drowning citizens of the United
+  States, this simple and ingenuous diplomat might very well have
+  succeeded, he would have us believe, in persuading President <font
+  class="sc">Wilson</font> to declare in favour of a peace-loving
+  All-Highest. As an essay in special pleading the book does not lack
+  ingenuity, and as an example of the familiar belief that other peoples
+  will shut their eyes and swallow whatever opinions the Teuton thinks good
+  to offer them, it may have interest for the psychologist. For the rest it
+  is a very prosy piece of literature, only saved occasionally in its
+  dulness by the unconscious crudity of the hatreds lurking beneath its
+  mask of plausibility. One of these hatreds is clearly directed against
+  Ambassador <font class="sc">Gerard</font>, to whose well-known book this
+  volume is in some sort a counter-blast. Neither a historian seeking truth
+  nor a plain reader seeking recreation will have any difficulty in
+  choosing between them.</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+  <p>Mr. D.A. <font class="sc">Barker</font>, in <i>The Great Leviathan</i>
+  (<font class="sc">Lane</font>), doesn't merely leave you to make the
+  obvious remark about his having taken Mr. H.G. <font
+  class="sc">Well's</font> loose, tangential and, for a beginner,
+  extraordinarily dangerous method as a model, <span class="pagenum"><a
+  name="page100" id="page100"></a>[pg 100]</span> but rubs it in (stout
+  fellow!) by transplanting his hero to India, seemingly in order to have
+  excuse for writing a passage which one would say was obviously inspired
+  by that gorgeous description of the jungle in <i>The Research
+  Magnificent</i>. Mr. <font class="sc">Barker</font> has enough matter for
+  two (or three) novels and enough skill in portraiture to make them more
+  coherent and plausible than this. The theme is old but freshly seen.
+  <i>Tom Seton</i>, resolved to avoid risking for his beloved the
+  unhappiness which his mother had found in the bondage of marriage, offers
+  her&mdash;indeed imposes on her&mdash;a free union. How the pressure of
+  <i>The Great Leviathan</i> (<i>Mrs. Grundy</i>&mdash;well, that's not
+  perhaps quite the whole of the idea, but it will serve) drove her into
+  the shelter of a formal marriage with a devoted don, I leave you to
+  gather. I don't think the author quite succeeds in making <i>Mary's</i>
+  defection inevitable, nor do I see the significance of the apparently
+  quite irrelevant background of Indian philosophy and intrigue. But here's
+  a well-written book, with sound positive qualities outweighing the
+  defects of inexperience.</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+  <p>Captain <font class="sc">Alan Bott</font> ("Contact") has a literary
+  gift of a high order, the gift of getting the very last thrill out of his
+  experiences while telling his tale in the simplest and most
+  straightforward way. In <i>Eastern Nights</i> (<font
+  class="sc">Blackwood</font>) he describes his adventures as a prisoner of
+  the Turks, first in Damascus and Asia Minor and finally in
+  Constantinople. The narrative, which is purely one of action, the action
+  being supplied by the efforts, finally successful, of the author and
+  various brother-officers to escape from their most unattractive
+  captivity, nevertheless offers a most vivid picture of the social fabric
+  of the Near East and in particular of the attitude of the <i>mélange</i>
+  of Oriental peoples that comprised the Turkish Empire towards the War in
+  which they found themselves taking part, most of them with reluctance and
+  all inefficiently. Apathy rather than calculated brutality was chiefly
+  responsible for the hardships suffered by the prisoners of war of all
+  nations who were unfortunate enough to fall into Turkish hands. From the
+  point of view of an officer determined to escape, however, the prevalence
+  of this quality was not without its advantage. Most of the officials
+  (Turks and Germans excepted) with whom Captain <font
+  class="sc">Bott</font> and his fellow-officers had to do were pro-Ally at
+  heart and ready enough to assist an escaping prisoner if they did not
+  happen to be too timid. And even the Turk was amenable on occasion to
+  baksheesh. Altogether a most fascinating book, <i>Eastern Nights</i> is
+  likely to win wide appreciation not alone for its literary merit but as a
+  stirring record of the courage and resource, under desperate and trying
+  conditions, of the Empire's soldiers.</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+  <p>Miss <font class="sc">Henrietta Leslie</font> belongs to the school of
+  novelists who believe in telling you all about their characters and
+  leaving you to pass judgment on them yourself, without expert assistance.
+  It is a fine impartial method which succeeds in representing life and the
+  indecisiveness of human nature very well; but such books somehow lack the
+  glow of more partisan writings. In <i>A Mouse with Wings</i> (<font
+  class="sc">Collins</font>) she tells the story of a woman's life from the
+  time of her engagement until her son is a young man and she herself
+  married again. <i>Olga</i> is a splendid creature, but, as Miss <font
+  class="sc">Leslie</font> cleverly lets you see for yourself, the belief
+  in her own principles and their application, which is the essence of her
+  character, alienates her husband and makes something like a ninny of
+  <i>Arnold</i>, her son. <i>A Mouse with Wings</i> is not only the
+  sobriquet of <i>Beryl</i>, the cheerful young Suffragette whom he loves,
+  but has its application also to poor <i>Arnold</i>, who finds the courage
+  to face life and a way out of it fighting in France. It is a
+  nicely-written book with a little air of distinction, but, in case anyone
+  should blame me for hushing it up, I ought to mention that both
+  <i>Olga</i> and <i>Beryl</i> would probably have admired <i>Arnold</i> a
+  great deal more had he "found himself" by way of Conscientious
+  Objection.</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+  <p>I can testify that Mr. <font class="sc">Zane Grey's</font> <i>The Man
+  of the Forest</i> (<font class="sc">Hodder and Stoughton</font>) is a
+  yarn told with considerable zest and with just that undercurrent of
+  sentiment which sweeps large portions of the British public completely
+  off its feet. In this book the heroine, <i>Helen Rayner</i>, and her
+  sister, <i>Bo</i>, leave Missouri for their uncle's ranch in New Mexico;
+  but before they reach their destination many and wonderful adventures
+  befall them. To escape from being kidnapped by some superb scoundrels
+  they were hustled off to <i>Milt Dale's</i> home in the forest, and there
+  they had for a long time to remain. <i>Milt</i> was one of nature's
+  gentlemen, but as his boon companion was a cougar (whose uninviting
+  picture is to be seen upon the paper cover), this forest home had its
+  slight inconveniences. Mr. <font class="sc">Grey</font>, however, writes
+  of it so admirably that he almost persuades me to be a camper-out,
+  provided always that I may live in a cavern and not in a caravan.
+  Cowboys, bandits, Mormons and other vigorous characters keep things
+  moving at a terrific pace. But stirringly full of incident as this tale
+  is, Mr. <font class="sc">Grey</font> never forgets that it is love that
+  really makes the world go round. He is in short a born storyteller, with
+  a style by no means to be despised, and I see no reason why his
+  popularity should not continue to wax here, and ultimately to rival its
+  American magnitude.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+  <div class="figcenter" style="width:50%;">
+      <a href="images/097.png"><img width="100%" src="images/097.png"
+      alt="ATMOSPHERE IN OUR RIVER BUNGALOWS." /></a>
+    <p class="center">ATMOSPHERE IN OUR RIVER BUNGALOWS.</p>
+
+    <p><i>Hostess</i> (<i>to her husband, just arrived from Town</i>).
+    "<font class="sc">You've forgotten the chop-sticks, John. You've spoilt
+    the party</font>!"</p>
+  </div>
+<hr />
+
+<h4>Another Geddes Promotion.</h4>
+
+  <blockquote>
+  <p>"Among celebrities who will watch British seamanship matched against
+  American are Franklin D. Roosevelt, Assistant Secretary of the Navy, and
+  Sir Auckland Geddes, British Admiral to the United
+  States."&mdash;<i>Canadian Paper.</i></p>
+
+  </blockquote>
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+<pre>
+
+
+
+
+
+End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol.
+159, August 4th, 1920, by Various
+
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+</pre>
+
+</body>
+</html>
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+The Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 159,
+August 4th, 1920, by Various
+
+This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with
+almost no restrictions whatsoever.  You may copy it, give it away or
+re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included
+with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org
+
+
+Title: Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 159, August 4th, 1920
+
+Author: Various
+
+Release Date: August 31, 2005 [EBook #16628]
+
+Language: English
+
+Character set encoding: ASCII
+
+*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH ***
+
+
+
+
+Produced by Jonathan Ingram, Keith Edkins and the Online
+Distributed Proofreading Team at https://www.pgdp.net
+
+
+
+
+
+PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
+
+VOL. 159.
+
+
+
+August 4th, 1920.
+
+
+
+
+CHARIVARIA.
+
+A drought is reported from India and Eastern Africa. Considering the amount
+of water which has recently escaped from clouds over here it is not
+surprising to find that they are feeling the pinch in other countries.
+
+* * *
+
+A correspondent writes to a weekly paper inquiring when Sir ERIC GEDDES was
+born. We admire the fellow's restraint in not asking "Why?"
+
+* * *
+
+We understand that one wealthy connoisseur has decided to give up buying
+Old Masters in order to save up for the purchase of a railway ticket.
+
+* * *
+
+_The Daily Mail_ points out that Lord NORTHCLIFFE has left England for the
+Continent. Sir ERIC GEDDES is said to have remarked that he will catch his
+lordship coming back.
+
+* * *
+
+A gentleman who is about to travel to a South Coast resort writes to
+inquire what his position will be if some future Government reduces the
+railway fares before he arrives at his destination.
+
+* * *
+
+In view of the increased railway fares there is some talk of starting a
+Mansion House Fund to convey Scotsmen home from England before it is too
+late.
+
+* * *
+
+Of the new railway rates it can be said that those who go farthest will
+fare worse.
+
+* * *
+
+With reference to the man who was seen laughing in the Strand the other
+day, it should be pointed out that he is not an English tax-payer but a
+Colonial who was catching the boat home next morning.
+
+* * *
+
+A Christmas-card posted at Farnham in December, 1905, has just been
+delivered at Ivychurch. The theory is that the postal authorities mistook
+it for a business communication.
+
+* * *
+
+The monocle is coming into fashion once again, and it is thought that a
+motorist wearing one goggle will soon be quite a common sight.
+
+* * *
+
+In view of their unwieldiness and size it is being urged that motor
+charabancs should be required to carry a special form of hooter, to be
+sounded only when there is no room for a vehicle coming in the other
+direction to pass. A more elaborate system of signals is also suggested,
+notably two short squawks and a long groan, to signify "My pedestrian, I
+think."
+
+* * *
+
+According to a County Court judge it is the duty of every motorist who
+knocks down a pedestrian to go back and ask the man if he is hurt. But
+surely the victim cannot answer such a question off-hand without first
+consulting his solicitor.
+
+* * *
+
+A great pilgrimage of house-hunters has visited the enormous marrow which
+is growing in an allotment at Ingatestone, but the strong military guard
+sent to protect it has succeeded up to the present in frustrating all
+attempts to occupy it.
+
+* * *
+
+A motor fire-engine dashed into a draper's shop in the North of London last
+Tuesday week. We understand that one of the firemen with great presence of
+mind justified his action by immediately setting fire to the building.
+
+* * *
+
+A petrified fish about fifty feet long has been discovered in Utah. This is
+said to be the largest sardine and the smallest whale America has ever
+produced.
+
+* * *
+
+Building operations were interrupted in North London last week, when a
+couple of sparrows built a nest on some foundations just where a bricklayer
+was due to lay a brick the next day.
+
+* * *
+
+Six tourists motoring through the mountainous district of Ardeche
+Department fell a thousand feet down a precipice, but escaped without
+injury. We understand that in spite of many tempting offers from
+cinematograph companies the motorists have decided not to repeat the
+experiment.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _The Girl._ "ISN'T THAT MR. JONES BOWLING?"
+
+_The Enthusiast._ "YES. THE OTHER DAY HE TOOK THREE WICKETS FOR SIX."
+
+_The Girl._ "HOW DREADFUL! I'D NO IDEA HE DRANK."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+SOLVING THE HOLIDAY FARE PROBLEM.
+
+"None but the rich can pay the fare" is as true at this moment as when the
+words were first penned.
+
+The reference, of course, is to the return fare, for the single fare of
+tomorrow is hardly more than we paid without complaint in years gone by for
+the journey there and back.
+
+How comparatively few people seem to be aware that the solution of the
+difficulty lies in not returning. Could anything be simpler?
+
+Nobody wants to return. In preparing for a holiday our thoughts are
+concentrated on when to go, where to go and how to get there. Who bothers
+himself about when to come back, where to come back from, and how to do it?
+After all, holiday-making is not to be confused with prize-fighting.
+
+That we have come back in the past has been due as much to custom as to
+anything. Someone introduced the silly fashion of returning from holidays,
+and we have unthinkingly acquired the habit. Once we shake off this holiday
+convention the problem of the return fare is solved.
+
+Just stay where you are and all will be well. Sooner or later your friends
+or your employer (if your return is really considered desirable) will send
+a money-order. But that is their look-out. The point is that the return
+fare need not trouble _you_. And you can please yourself as to what you buy
+with the money-order.
+
+Why all this outcry then about the cost of travelling in the holiday
+season?
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "M. Lappas, the young Greek tenor whose debut last season won him a
+    host of fiends."--_Daily Paper._
+
+As _Mephistopheles_, we presume.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "Lost, Monday, July 19th, silver purse containing 10s. note and
+    photographs; also lady's bathing costume."--_Local Paper._
+
+Wrapped up in the "Fisher," no doubt.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+  I once knew a bowler named Patrick
+  Who, after performing the "hat-trick,"
+      Remarked, as he bowed
+      His respects to the crowd,
+  "It's nothing: I often do that trick!"
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+BADLY SYNGED.
+
+The scene is the morning-room of the Smith-Hybrows' South London residence.
+It is the day following the final performance of the Smith-Hybrows'
+strenuous season of J.M. SYNGE drama, undertaken with the laudable
+intention of familiarising the suburb with the _real_ Irish temperament and
+the works of the dramatist in question.
+
+Mrs. Smith-Hybrow is seated at the breakfast-table, her head buried behind
+the coffee urn. She is opening her letters and "keening" softly as she
+rocks in her chair.
+
+_Mrs. Smith-Hybrow_ (_scanning a letter_). Will I be helping them with the
+sale of work? It's little enough the like of me will be doing for them the
+way I was treated at the last Bazaar, when Mrs. McGupperty and Mrs.
+Glyn-Jones were after destroying me with the cutting of the sandwiches. And
+was I not there for three days, from the rising of the blessed sun to the
+shining of the blessed stars, cutting and cutting, and never a soul to bear
+witness to the destroying labour of it, and the two legs of me like to give
+way with the great weariness (_keens_)? I'll have no call this year to be
+giving in to their prayers and beseechings, and I won't care the way the
+Curate will be after trying to come round me, with his eyes looking at me
+the way the moon kisses the drops of dew on the hedgerows when the road is
+white.
+
+    [_Opens another letter, keening the while in a slightly higher key.
+    Enter_ Gertrude Smith-Hybrow. _She crosses to the window and stares
+    out._
+
+_Gertrude._ There are black clouds in the sky, and the wind is breaking in
+the west and making a great stir with the trees, and they are hitting one
+on the other. And there is rain falling, falling from the clouds, and the
+roads be wet.
+
+_Mrs. S.-H._ It is your mackintosh you will be wanting when you are after
+going to the Stores.
+
+_Gertrude_ (_coming to the table and speaking with dull resentment_). And
+why should I be going to the Stores the way I have enough to do with a
+meeting of the League for Brighter Homes and a luncheon of the Cubist
+Encouragement Society? Isn't it a queer hard thing that Dora cannot be
+going to the Stores, and her with time enough on her hands surely?
+
+    [_Sits in her place and begins keening. While she has been speaking
+    Dora has entered hurriedly, buttoning her jumper._
+
+_Dora_ (_vigorously_). And is it you, Gertrude Smith-Hybrow, that will be
+talking about me having time on my hands? May the saints forgive you for
+the hard words, and me having to cycle this blessed day to Mrs.
+Montgomery's lecture on the Dadaist Dramatists, and the meringues and the
+American creams to be made for to-night's Tchekoff Conversazione. Is it not
+enough for a girl to be destroyed with the play-acting, and the wind like
+to be in my face the whole way and the rain falling, falling?
+
+    [_Sits in her place and keens._
+
+_Mrs. S.-H._ (_after an interval of keening_). Is it your father that will
+be missing his train this morning, Dora Smith-Hybrow?
+
+_Dora_ (_rousing herself and selecting an egg_). It is my father that will
+be missing his train entirely, and it is his son that would this minute be
+sleeping the blessed daylight away had I not let fall upon him a sponge
+that I had picked out of the cold, cold water.
+
+_Gertrude._ It is a flapper you are, Dora Smith-Hybrow.
+
+_Dora._ It is a flapper you will never be again, Gertrude Smith-Hybrow,
+though you be after doing your queer best to look like one.
+
+_Mrs. S.-H._ Whisht! Is it the time for loose talk, with the wind rising,
+rising, and the rain falling, falling, and the price of butter up another
+threepence this blessed morning?
+
+    [_They all three recommence keening. Enter_ Mr. Smith-Hybrow _followed
+    by_ Cyril.
+
+_Mr. S.-H._ (_staunching a gash in his chin_). Is it not a hard thing for a
+man to be late for his breakfast and the rain falling, falling, and the
+wind rising, rising. It's destroyed I am with the loss of blood and no food
+in my stomach would keep the life in a flea.
+
+    [_Sits in his place and opens his letters savagely._ Cyril, _a
+    cadaverous youth, stares gloomily into the depths of the marmalade._
+
+_Cyril_ (_dreamily_). There's gold and gold and gold--caverns of gold. And
+there's a woman with hair of gold and eyes would pick the locks of a man's
+soul, and long shining hands like pale seaweed. Is it not a terrible thing
+that a man would have to go to the City when there is a woman with gold
+hair waiting for him in the marmalade pot--waiting to draw him down into
+the cold, cold water?
+
+_Dora._ Is it another spongeful you are wanting, Cyril Smith-Hybrow, and
+myself destroyed entirely waiting for the marmalade?
+
+    [Cyril _blushes, passes the marmalade, sits down languidly and selects
+    an egg._ Mrs. S.-H. _pours out the coffee and resumes her keening._
+
+_Mr. S.-H._ (_glaring at her_). Is it not a nice thing for the wife of a
+respectable City stockbroker to sit at the breakfast-table making a noise
+like that of a cow that is waiting to be milked?
+
+_Mrs. S.-H._ (_hurt_). It is keening I am.
+
+_Gertrude_ (_passing him "The Morning Post"_). Is it not enough that the
+price of butter is up another threepence this blessed day, and the wind
+rising, rising, and the rain falling, falling?
+
+_Mr. S.-H._ It is destroyed we shall all be entirely.
+
+_Cyril_ (_gazing into the depths of his egg_). There was a strange queer
+dream I was after having the night that has gone. It was on the rocks I
+was....
+
+_Mr. S.-H._ (_glaring at the market reports_). It is on the rocks we shall
+all be.
+
+_Cyril._ ... on the rocks I was by the sea-shore ...
+
+_Dora_ (_slightly hysterically_). With the wind rising, rising?
+
+_Cyril_ (_nodding_). ... and the rain falling, falling. And a woman of the
+chorus drove up in a taxi, and the man that had the driving of it was
+eating an orange. The woman came and sat by the side of me, and the
+peroxide in her hair made it gleam like the pale gold coins that were in
+the banks before the Great War (_more dreamily_). Never a word said she
+when I hung a chain of cold, cold sausages about her neck, but her eyes
+were shining, shining, and into my hands she put a tin of corned beef. And
+it is destroyed I was with the love of her, and would have kissed her lips
+but I saw the park-keeper coming, coming out of the sea for tickets, and I
+fled from the strange queer terror of it, and found myself by a lamp-post
+in Hackney Wick with the wind rising, rising, and the rain falling,
+falling.
+
+    [_He stops. The others stare at him and at one another in piteous
+    inquiry. The women begin keening._ Mr. S.-H. _seizes the remaining egg
+    and cracks it viciously._
+
+_Mr. S.-H._ (_falling back in his chair_). Damnation!
+
+    [_The air is filled with a pungent matter-of-fact odour._ Dora,
+    _holding her handkerchief to her nose, rushes valiantly at the offender
+    and hurls it out of the window on to a flower-bed. The_ SYNGE _spell is
+    broken._
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Mr. Punch begs to thank the seven hundred and forty-three correspondents
+who have so thoughtfully drawn his attention to the too familiar fact that
+"there's many a slip 'twixt the Cup and the LIPTON."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: THE BLUE RIBBON OF THE SEA.
+
+COLUMBIA. "YOUR HEALTH, SIR THOMAS, AND BETTER LUCK NEXT TIME."
+
+SIR THOMAS LIPTON. "'BUT LEAVE A KISS WITHIN THE CUP AND [_very tactfully_]
+I'LL NOT ASK FOR WINE.'"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Professional_ (_to self-made man having his first lesson_).
+"YOU'VE HIT THIS ONE HARD ENOUGH, SIR, AND NO MISTAKE. WHY, I'VE NEVER SEEN
+A BALL GASHED LIKE THAT BEFORE."
+
+_Self-made Man._ "WELL, LAD, AH MOSTLY DO GET RESULTS FROM ONYTHING AH
+TAKES OOP."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE SUCCULENT COMEDIANS.
+
+Among the literary and artistic treasures of American collectors the
+manuscript of LAMB'S essay on Roast Pig is eminent. I have seen this
+rarity, which is now in the strong room where Mr. PIERPONT MORGAN keeps his
+autographs safe equally from fire and from theft--if not from the desire to
+thieve. Much did I covet in this realm of steel, and LAMB'S MS. not least.
+The essay occupies both sides of large sheets of foolscap, written in a
+minute hand, with very few corrections, both the paper and the time
+occupied in transcription, if not also in actual composition, being, I
+should guess, the East India Company's. It is not, I imagine, the first
+draft, but the first fair copy after all the changes had been made and the
+form was fixed; and its author, if he is in any position to know what is
+going forward on a planet which he left some six-and-eighty years ago, must
+have been amused when he heard that so much money--thousands and thousands
+of dollars--had been given for it at auction the other day.
+
+Reading the essay again, in the faded ink on the yellowing paper, I
+realised once more that everything that can be said about little pigs, dead
+and ripe for the eater, had been said here and said finally. But the
+living? That very evening I was to find little live pigs working for their
+maintenance under conditions of which I had never dreamed, in an
+environment less conducive, one would suppose, to porcine activity than any
+that could be selected.
+
+It was at Coney Island, that astonishing permanent and magnified Earl's
+Court Exhibition, summer Blackpool and August-Bank-Holiday-Hampstead-Heath,
+which New York supports for its beguilement. In this domain of switchbacks
+and chutes, merry-go-rounds and shooting-galleries, dancing-halls and
+witching waves, vociferous and crowded and lit by a million lamps, I came
+suddenly upon the Pig Slide and had a new conception of what quadrupeds can
+do for man.
+
+The Pig Slide, which was in one of the less noisy quarters of Luna Park,
+consisted of an enclosure in which stood a wooden building of two storeys,
+some five yards wide and three high. On the upper storey was a row of six
+or eight cages, in each of which dwelt a little live pig, an infant of a
+few weeks. In the middle of the row, descending to the ground, was an
+inclined board, with raised edges, such as is often installed in swimming-
+baths to make diving automatic, and beneath each cage was a hole a foot in
+diameter. The spectators and participants crowded outside the enclosure,
+and the thing was to throw balls, which were hired for the purpose, into
+the holes. Nothing could exceed the alert and eager interest taken by the
+little pigs in the efforts of the ball-throwers. They quivered on their
+little legs; they pressed their little noses against the bars of the cages;
+their little eyes sparkled; their tails (the only corkscrews left in
+America) curled and uncurled and curled again: and with reason, for
+whereas, if you missed--as was only too easy--nothing happened, if you
+threw accurately the fun began, and the fun was also theirs.
+
+This is what occurred. First a bell rang and then a spring released the
+door of the cage immediately over the hole which your ball had entered, so
+that it swung open. The little pig within, after watching the previous
+infirmity of your aim with dejection, if not contempt, had pricked up his
+ears on the sound of the bell, and now smiled a gratified smile,
+irresistible in infectiousness, and trotted out, and, with the smile
+dissolving into an expression of absolute beatitude, slid voluptuously down
+the plank: to be gathered in at the foot by an attendant and returned to
+its cage all ready for another such adventure.
+
+It was for these moments and their concomitant changes of countenance that
+you paid your money. To taste the triumph of good marksmanship was only a
+fraction of your joy; the greater part of it consisted in liberating a
+little prisoner and setting in motion so much ecstasy.
+
+We do not use baby pigs in this entertaining way in England. At the most we
+hunt them greased. But when other beguilements weary we might. The
+R.S.P.C.A. could not object, the little pets are so happy. And what a
+privilege is theirs, both alive and dead, to enchant creation's lord.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Ordinary Artist_ (_to Ultra-Modern ditto_). "HOW TOPPING
+THOSE KIDDIES LOOK WITH THE SUN ON THEM! OH, I FORGOT--I MEAN THOSE THINGS
+SPLASHING ABOUT OVER THERE. OF COURSE YOU DON'T SEE THEM AS HUMAN BEINGS."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "In order to give a lead in economy King George and Queen Mary and a
+    number of peeresses have decided not to wear plumes or tulle veils at
+    the opening of Parliament."--_Australian Paper._
+
+Very self-sacrificing of HIS MAJESTY.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "'My husband says I must leavee teo-night,' said a wife at Acton. 'Oh,
+    hee eceanee't givee you ... notice to quit,' said the magistrate."--
+    _Evening Paper._
+
+His worship seems to have settled the matter with e's.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE MINISTERING ANGEL.
+
+    [Yawning, it is now claimed, is an excellent thing for the health.]
+
+  Stretched prone upon my couch of pain,
+    An ache in every limb,
+  Fell influenza having slain
+    My customary _vim_,
+  I mused, disconsolate, about
+    The pattern of my pall,
+  When lo! I heard a step without
+    And Thomson came to call.
+
+  "Your ruddy health," I told him, "mocks
+    A hand too weak to grip
+  The tea-cup with its captive ox
+    And raise it to my lip;"
+  To which he answered he had come
+    To bring for my delight
+  Red posies of geranium
+    And roses pink and white.
+
+  'Twas kind of Thomson thus to seek
+    To mitigate my gloom,
+  But why did he proceed to speak
+    Of how he'd reared each bloom,
+  Telling in language far from terse
+    On what his blossoms fed
+  And how he made the greenfly curse
+    The day that it was bred?
+
+  He told me how he rose at dawn
+    To titivate the land
+  ('Twas here that I began to yawn
+    Behind a courteous hand),
+  And how he thought his favourite pea
+    Had found the soil too dry
+  (And here I feared my yawns would be
+    Apparent to his eye).
+
+  On fruit and blossom good and bad
+    He rambled on unchecked,
+  Until his conversation had
+    Such curative effect
+  That in the end it drove away
+    My weak despondent mood.
+  I clasped his hand and blessed the day
+    He came to do me good.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "MORE DEARER PUBLICATIONS."--_Daily Mail._
+
+More dearer nor what they was? Dear, dear!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+From _Young India_, the organ of Mr. GANDHI:--
+
+    "In our last issue the number of those in receipt of relief is given at
+    500. This is a printer's devil. The number is 5,000."
+
+Mr. GANDHI ought to exorcise that devil.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "The tests were entirely satisfactory, and the pilot manoeuvred for a
+    quarter of an hour at a height of 500 metres and a speed of 150
+    millimetres an hour."--_Aeronautics._
+
+This is believed to be the nearest approach to "hovering" that has yet been
+achieved by a machine.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+NITRATES.
+
+  All alone I went a-walking by the London Docks one day,
+  For to see the ships discharging in the basins where they lay;
+  And the cargoes that I saw there they were every sort and kind,
+  Every blessed brand of merchandise a man could bring to mind;
+  There were things in crates and boxes, there was stuff in bags and bales,
+  There were tea-chests wrapped in matting, there were Eastern-looking
+      frails,
+  There were baulks of teak and greenheart, there were stacks of spruce and
+      pine,
+  There was cork and frozen carcasses and casks of Spanish wine,
+  There was rice and spice and cocoa-nuts, and rum enough was there
+  For to warm all London's innards up and leave a drop to spare;
+
+  But of all the freights I found there, gathered in from far and wide,
+  All the smells both nice and nasty from the Pool to Barkingside,
+  All the harvest of the harbours from Bombay to Montreal,
+  There was one that took my fancy first and foremost of them all;
+  It was neither choice nor costly, it was neither rich nor rare
+  And, in most ways you can think of, it was neither here nor there,
+  It was nothing over-beautiful to smell nor yet to see--
+  Only bags of stuffy nitrate--but it meant a lot to me.
+
+  I forgot the swarming stevedores, I forgot the dust and din,
+  And the rattle of the winches hoisting cargo out and in,
+  And the rusty tramp before me with her hatches open wide,
+  And the grinding of her derricks as the sacks went overside;
+  I forgot the murk of London and the dull November sky--
+  I was far, ay, far from England, in a day that's long gone by.
+
+  I forgot the thousand changes years have brought in ships and men,
+  And the knots on Time's old log-line that have reeled away since then,
+  And I saw a fast full-rigger with her swelling canvas spread,
+  And the steady trade-wind droning in her royals overhead,
+  Fleecy trade-clouds on the sky-line--high above the Tropic blue--
+  And the curved arch of her foresail and the ocean gleaming through;
+  I recalled the Cape Stiff weather, when your soul-case seemed to freeze,
+  And the trampling, cursing watches and the pouring, pooping seas,
+  And the ice on spar and jackstay, and the cracking, volleying sail,
+  And the tatters of our voices blowing down the roaring gale ...
+  I recalled the West Coast harbours just as plain as yesteryear--
+  Nitrate ports, all dry and dusty, where they sell fresh water-dear--
+  Little cities white and wicked by a bleak and barren shore,
+  With an anchor on the cliff-side for to show you where to moor;
+  And the sour red wine we tasted, and the foolish songs we sung,
+  And the girls we had our fun with in the days when we were young;
+  And the dancing in the evenings down at Dago Bill's saloon,
+  And the stars above the mountains and the sea's eternal tune.
+
+  Only bags of stuffy nitrate from a far Pacific shore,
+  From a dreary West Coast harbour that I'll surely fetch no more;
+  Only bags of stuffy nitrate, with its faint familiar smell
+  Bringing back the ships and shipmates that I used to know so well;
+  Half a lifetime lies between us and a thousand leagues of sea,
+  But it called the days departed and my boyhood back to me.
+
+  C.F.S.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+ROSES ALL THE WAY.
+
+Fired by an Irish rose-grower's pictures of some of his beautiful new
+seedlings we are tempted to describe one or two of our own favourite
+flowers in language similar to his own. This is an example of the way he
+does it:--
+
+    "LADY MAUREEN STEWART (_Hybrid Tea_).--A gloriously-finished globular
+    slightly imbricated cupped bloom with velvety black scarlet cerise
+    shell-shaped petals, whose reflex is solid pure orangey maroon without
+    veining. An excellent bloom, ideal shape, brilliant and non-fading
+    colour with heavy musk rose odour. Erect growth and flower-stalk.
+    Foliage wax and leathery and not too large. A very floriferous and
+    beautiful rose. 21s. each."
+
+Why not also these?--
+
+DAVID (_Hybrid Tory-Lib._).--A gloriously-finished true-blue-slightly-
+imbricated-with-red-flag coalition rose whose deep globular head with
+ornate decorative calyx retains its perfect exhibition-cross-question-
+hostile-amendment symmetry of form without blueing or burning in the
+hottest Westminster sun. Its smiling peach and cerise endearments
+terminating in black scarlet shell-shaped waxy Berlin ultimata are carried
+on an admirably rigid peduncle. Equally vigorous in all parts of Europe.
+Superbly rampant. Not on sale.
+
+AUSTEN (_Tea and most other things_).--This bottomless-cupped bank-paper-
+white-edged-and-rimmed-with-tape-pink-margin bloom, the reflex of whose
+never-fading demand notes is velvety black thunder-cloud with lightning-
+flash six-months-in-the-second-division veinations, has never been known to
+be too full. It is supported by a landlordly stalk of the utmost excess-
+profits-war-profits-minor-profits rigidity. A decorative, acquisitive and
+especially captivating rose, and already something more than a popular
+favourite. 18s. in L1.
+
+SIR THOMAS (_Ceylon and India Tea_).--This true sport from the British
+bull-dog rose has a slightly globular double-hemisphere-popular greatly-
+desiring-and-deserving-to-be-cupped bloom whose pearly preserved cream
+flesh is delicately flushed and mottled with tinned salmon and dried
+apricot. Rich golden and banking-account stamina, foliage deep navy blue
+with brass buttons and a superb fragrance of western ocean. Its marvellous
+try-try-try-again floriferousness in all weathers is the admiration of all
+beholders. Price no object.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+From a weather forecast:--
+
+    "General Outlook.--It appears probable that further expressions will
+    arrive from the westward or north-westward before long, and that after
+    a temporary improvement the weather will again become unsettled; with
+    much cloud and occasional rain."--_Evening Paper._
+
+In which event further expressions (of a sultry character) may be expected
+from all round the compass.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+"COME UNTO THESE YELLOW SANDS."
+
+[Illustration: "COME UNTO THESE YELLOW SANDS AND THEN--]
+
+[Illustration: --TAKE HANDS."--[_The Tempest_, Act I., Sc. 2. ]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+QUEEN'S COUNSEL.
+
+The Fairy Queen shook her head in answer to my question. "No," she said, "I
+have no favourite flower."
+
+She had dropped in after dinner, as was her occasional habit, and at the
+moment sat perched on a big red carnation which stood in a flower-glass on
+the top of my desk.
+
+"You see," she continued, floating across to where I was sitting and
+lowering her voice confidentially, for there were a good many flowers
+about--"you see it would never do. Just think of the trouble it would
+cause. Imagine the state of mind of the lilies if I were to show a
+preference for roses. There's always been a little jealousy there, and
+they're all frightfully touchy. The artistic temperament, you know. Why, I
+daren't even sleep in the same flower two nights running."
+
+"Yes, I see," I said. "It must be very awkward."
+
+I lapsed into silence; I had had a worrying day and was feeling tired and a
+little depressed. The Queen fluttered about the room, pausing a moment on
+the mantel-shelf for a word or two with her old friend the Dresden china
+shepherdess. Then she came back to the desk and performed a brief _pas
+seul_ on the shining smooth cover of my pass-book. My mind flew instantly
+to my slender bank-balance and certain recent foolishnesses.
+
+"Talking of favourites," I said--"talking of favourites, do you take any
+interest in racing?"
+
+Instantly the Queen subsided on to my rubber stamp damper, which was
+fortunately dry.
+
+"Oh, yes," she replied, "I take a _great_ interest in racing. I love it. I
+can give you all sorts of hints."
+
+I thought it was a pity she hadn't called a week or two earlier. I might
+have been a richer woman by a good many pounds.
+
+"And there are so many kinds," continued the Queen earnestly. "Now in a
+butterfly race it's always best just to hold on and let them do as they
+like. It's not a bit of use trying to make them go straight. Rabbits are
+better in that way, but even rabbits are a little uncertain at times. Full
+of nerves. But have you ever tried swallow-racing?" she went on
+enthusiastically. "It's simply splendid. You give them their heads and you
+never know _where_ you may get to. But, anyway, it doesn't really matter in
+the least afterwards who wins; it's only while it's happening that you feel
+so thrilled, isn't it?"
+
+I didn't acquiesce very whole-heartedly. I'm afraid my thoughts were with
+my lost guineas. It _had_ rather mattered afterwards. I really had been
+very foolish.
+
+"You look depressed," said the Fairy Queen. "Can I help you? I'm really
+extremely practical. You know, don't you," she leaned forward and looked at
+me earnestly, "that I should be delighted if I could assist you with any
+advice?"
+
+I hesitated. Just before she came I had been anxiously considering as to
+how I was going to make one hundred pounds do the work of two during the
+next few weeks; but somehow I didn't quite like to mention such material
+matters to the Queen; it didn't seem suitable.
+
+I looked up and met her kind eyes fixed on mine with an expression of the
+gentlest interest and solicitude.
+
+"I wonder," I said, still hesitating, "whether you know anything about
+stocks and shares?"
+
+"Stocks and shares," she repeated slowly, looking just a little vague and
+puzzled. And then--"Oh, yes, of course I do, if that's all you want to
+know."
+
+I felt quite pleased now that I had really got it out.
+
+"If you could just give me a useful hint or two I should be tremendously
+grateful," I said. Already thousands loomed entrancingly before me. Already
+I saw myself settled in that darling cottage on the windy hill above
+Daccombe Wood. Already--
+
+"I think I had better get a pencil and paper," I said. "My memory's
+dreadful."
+
+But the Fairy Queen shook her head.
+
+"I'll write it down for you," she said, "and you can read it when I'm gone.
+That's so much more fun. But I don't need paper."
+
+She drew a tiny shining implement from her pocket and, picking up a couple
+of rose-petals which had fallen upon the table, she busied herself with
+them for a moment at my desk, her mouth pursed up, her brows contracted in
+an expression of intense seriousness.
+
+"There," she said, "that's that. And now show me _all_ your new clothes."
+
+We spent quite a pleasant evening over one thing and another, and I forgot
+all about the rose-leaves until after she had gone; but when I came back to
+my empty sitting-room they shone in the dusk with a soft radiance which
+came, I discovered, from the writing on them. It glowed like those luminous
+figures on watches which were so entrancing when they first appeared. I had
+never realised before that they were fairy figures.
+
+I spread the petals out on my palm, feeling quite excited at the prospect
+of making my fortune by such means, though I was a little anxious as to how
+I was going to make use of the information I was about to acquire.
+
+"I will ask Cousin Fred," I decided (Cousin Fred being a stockbroker), and
+I smiled a little to myself as I thought how amazed and possibly amused my
+dapper cousin would be when he learnt the source of my knowledge. He might
+even refuse to believe in it--and then where should I be?
+
+I needn't have troubled. When I unfolded my rose-petals this is what I
+read:--
+
+"_Stocks._--The white ones are much the best and have by far the sweetest
+scent.
+
+_Shares._--_Always_ go shares."
+
+R.F.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+HEART OF MINE.
+
+(_Being a rather hysterical contribution from our Analytical Novelist._)
+
+_Friday._--I suppose one never realises till one is actually dead how
+nearly dead one can be without actually being it. You see what I mean? No.
+Well, how blithely, how recklessly one rollicks through life, fondly
+believing that one is in the best of health, in the prime of condition, and
+all the time one is the unconscious victim of some fatal infirmity or
+disease. I mean, take my own case. I went to see my doctor in order to be
+cured of hay fever. He examined my heart. He made me take off my shirt. He
+hammered my chest; he rapped my ribs with his knuckles to see if they
+sounded hollow. I don't know why he did this, but I think he was at one
+time attached to a detective and has got into the habit of looking for
+secret passages and false panels and so on.
+
+Anyhow, he suspected my chest, and he listened at it for so long that any
+miscreant who had been concealed in it would have had to give himself away
+by coughing or blowing his nose.
+
+After a long time he said, "Your heart's dilated. You want a complete rest.
+Don't work. Don't smoke. Don't drink. Don't eat. Don't do anything. Take
+plenty of exercise. Sit perfectly still. Don't mope. Don't rush about. Take
+this before and after every meal. Only don't have any meals." I laughed at
+him. I knew my heart was perfectly sound, much sounder than most men's. I
+went home. I didn't even have the prescription made up.
+
+_Saturday._--Now comes the tragic thing. _That very night I realised that
+he was right._ There _is_ something wrong with my heart. It is too long. It
+is too wide. It is too thick. It is out of place. It would be difficult to
+say _exactly_ where the measurements are wrong, but one has a sort of
+_sense_ ...  you know?... One can feel that it is too large.... A swollen
+feeling.... Somehow I never felt this before; I never even felt that it was
+there ... but now I always know that it is there--trying to get out.... I
+put my hand on it and can feel it definitely expanding--like a football
+bladder. Sometimes I think it wants to get out at my collar-bone; sometimes
+I think it will blow out under my bottom rib; sometimes some other way. It
+is terrible....
+
+I have had the prescription made up.
+
+_Sunday._--The way it beats! Sometimes very fast and heavy and emphatic,
+like a bad barrage of 5.9's. Fortunately my watch has a second-hand, so
+that I can time it--forty-five to the half-minute, ninety-five to the full
+minute. Then I know that the end is very near; everyone knows that the
+normal rate for a healthy adult heart is seventy-two. Then sometimes it
+goes very slow, very dignified and faint, as when some great steamer glides
+in at slow speed to her anchorage, and the engines thump in a subdued and
+profound manner very far away, or as when at night the solemn tread of some
+huge policeman is heard, remote and soft and dilated--I mean dilatory, or
+as when--But you see what I mean.
+
+_Monday._--How was it, I wonder, that all this was hidden from me for so
+long? And now what am I to do? I am a doomed man. With a heart like this I
+cannot last long. I have resigned my clubs; I have given up my work. I can
+think of nothing but this dull pain, this heavy throbbing at my side. My
+work--ha! Yesterday I met another young doctor at tea. He asked me if there
+was any "murmur." I said I did not know--no one had told me. But after tea
+I went away and listened. Yes, there was a murmur; I could hear it plainly.
+I told the young doctor. He said that murmurs were not considered so
+important nowadays. What matters is "the reaction of the heart to work." By
+that test I am doomed indeed. But the murmur is better.
+
+_Tuesday._--I have told Anton Gregorovitch Gregorski. He says he has a
+heart too.
+
+_Wednesday._--I have been learning things to-day. I am worse even than the
+doctor thought. In a reference book in the dining-room there is a medical
+dictionary. It says: "Dilatation leads to dropsy, shortness of breath and
+blueness of the face." I have got some of those already. I have never seen
+a face so blue. It is like the sea in the early morning.
+
+_Thursday._--The heart is bigger again to-day--about an inch each way. The
+weight of it is terrible to carry.... I have to take taxis.... This evening
+it was going at thirty-two to the minute....
+
+_Friday._--Last night, when I tried to count the beats, I could not find
+it.... It must have stopped.... Anton Gregorovitch says it is the end....
+This is my last entry....
+
+_Saturday._--My face is very blue. It is like a forget-me-not ... it is
+like a volume of _Hansard_....
+
+I shall go to see the doctor as I promised ... he can do nothing, but it
+will interest him to see how much bigger the heart has grown in the last
+few days....
+
+No more....
+
+_Sunday._--The doctor said it was much better.... It is undilated again....
+After all I am not going to die. But the reaction to work is still bad.
+This evening I make it sixty to the minute....
+
+_Monday._--This morning's count was seventy-two. It is terrible....
+
+A.P.H.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Sympathetic Old Lady._ "AND WHEN YOU WENT DOWN FOR THE
+THIRD TIME THE WHOLE OF YOUR PAST LIFE OF COURSE FLASHED BEFORE YOUR EYES?"
+
+_Longshore Billy._ "I EXPECT IT DID, MUM, BUT I 'AD 'EM SHUT AT THE TIME,
+SO I MISSED IT."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Mollie._ "AUNTIE, DON'T CATS GO TO HEAVEN?"
+
+_Auntie._ "NO, MY DEAR. DIDN'T YOU HEAR THE VICAR SAY AT THE CHILDREN'S
+SERVICE THAT ANIMALS HADN'T SOULS AND THEREFORE COULD NOT GO TO HEAVEN?"
+
+_Mollie._ "WHERE DO THEY GET THE STRINGS FOR THE HARPS, THEN?"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+FLOWERS' NAMES.
+
+          SHEPHERD'S PURSE.
+
+  There was a silly shepherd lived out at Taunton Dene
+    (Hey-nonny-nonny-no for Taunton in the summer!)
+  And oh, but he was bitter cold! and oh, but he was mean!
+  The maidens vowed a bitterer had never yet been seen
+              At Taunton in the summer.
+
+  He lived to gather in the gold--he loved to hear it chink
+    (Hey-nonny-nonny-no for Taunton in the summer!),
+  And he could only dream of gold--of gold could only think;
+  And all the fairies watched him, and they watched him with a wink
+              At Taunton in the summer.
+
+  At last one summer noonday, when the sky was blue and deep
+    (Hey-nonny-nonny-no for Taunton in the summer!),
+  They made him heavy-headed as he watched beside his sheep
+  And all the little Taunton elves came stealing out to peep
+              At Taunton in the summer.
+
+  They opened wide his wallet and they stole the coins away
+    (Hey-nonny-nonny-no for Taunton in the summer!),
+  They took the round gold pieces and they used them for their play,
+  They rolled and chased and tumbled them and lost them in the hay
+              At Taunton in the summer.
+
+  And when they'd finished playing they used all their magic powers
+    (Hey-nonny-nonny-no for Taunton in the summer!);
+  The silly shepherd woke and wept, he sought his gold for hours,
+  And all he found was drifts and drifts of tiny greenish flowers
+              At Taunton in the summer.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+MORE WORK FOR HIS MAJESTY'S JUDGES.
+
+    "Potato disease has unfortunately made its appearance in the ----
+    district, the early and second early crops being seriously attacked.
+    The late crops are free from disease up to the present, and it is hoped
+    by judicial spraying to save them."--_Local Paper._
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+From an interview with the Superintendent of Regent's Park:--
+
+    "'People seem surprised,' he said, 'when I tell them that within a few
+    minutes' walk of Baker Street Station, and the incessant din of
+    Marylebone Road, such birds as the cuckoo, flycatcher, robin and wren
+    have reared their young.'"--_Observer._
+
+To hear of the cuckoo bringing up its own family in any circumstances was,
+we confess, a little bit of a shock.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "'Idling, my dear fellow!' was Mr. Jerome K. Jerome's decisive answer
+    to my question: 'What do you most like doing at holiday-time?'
+
+    'But if, and only when, I am really driven to exertion, let me have a
+    horse between my legs, a pair of oars, and a billiard-table, and I ask
+    nothing more of the gods.'"--_Answers._
+
+The next time Mr. JEROME indulges in this performance may we be there to
+see.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: THE LEAGUE OF YOUTH.
+
+WAR-WEARY WORLD (_at the Jamboree_). "I WAS NEARLY LOSING HOPE, BUT THE
+SIGHT OF ALL YOU BOYS GIVES IT BACK TO ME."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT.
+
+_Monday, July 26th._--When the Peers were about to discuss the Law of
+Property Bill, which seeks to abolish the distinction between land and
+other property, Lord CAVE dropped a bombshell into the Committee by moving
+to omit the whole of Part I. Lords HALDANE and BUCKMASTER were much upset
+and loudly protested against the proposal to cut out "the very heart and
+substance of the measure." The LORD CHANCELLOR was less perturbed by the
+explosion and was confident that after further discussion he could induce
+the CAVE-dwellers to come into line with modern requirements. Thirty-four
+clauses thus disappeared with a bang; and of the hundred and odd remaining
+only one gave much trouble. Objection was taken to Clause 101, granting the
+public full rights of access to commons, on the grounds _inter alia_ that
+it would give too much freedom to gipsies and too little to golfers. Lord
+SALISBURY, who, like the counsel in a famous legal story, claimed to "know
+a little about manors," was sure that only the lord could deal faithfully
+with the Egyptians, but, fortified by Lord HALDANE'S assurance that the
+clause gave the public no more rights and the lords of the manor no less
+than they had before, the House passed it by 42 to 29.
+
+Mr. BRIDGEMAN, for the Board of Trade, bore the brunt of the early
+questioning in the House of Commons. He sustained with equal
+imperturbability the assaults of the Tariff Reformers, who asserted that
+British toy-making--an "infant industry" if ever there was one--was being
+stifled by foreign imports: and those of the Free Traders, who objected to
+the Government's efforts to resuscitate the dyeing trade.
+
+The alarming rumours in the Sunday papers about the PRIME MINISTER'S state
+of health were effectively dispelled by his appearance on the Front
+Opposition, a little weary-looking, no doubt, but as alert as ever to seize
+the weak point in the adversary's case and to put his own in the most
+favourable light. From the enthusiasm of his announcement that the Soviet
+Government had accepted our invitation to attend a Conference in London,
+one would have thought that the Bolshevists had agreed to the British
+proposals unconditionally and that peace--"that is what the world
+wants"--was now assured.
+
+[Illustration: _David._ "YOU KNOW THE RHYME, GRANDMAMA, THAT SAYS--
+
+        'THIS LITTLE PIG WENT TO MARKET,
+        AND THIS LITTLE PIG STAYED AT HOME'?"
+
+_The Mother of Parliaments._ "YES, DAVID, DEAR. WHY DO YOU MENTION IT?"
+
+_David._ "OH, I WAS MERELY WONDERING WHAT WAS TO BE DONE ABOUT IT."]
+
+Abhorrence of the Government of Ireland Bill is the one subject on which
+all Irishmen appear to think alike. It is, no doubt, with the desire to
+preserve that unanimity that the PRIME MINISTER announced his intention of
+pressing the measure forward after the Recess "with all possible despatch."
+
+But before that date it looks as if Irishmen would have despatched one
+another. The little band of Nationalists had handed in a batch of
+private-notice Questions arising out of the disturbances in Belfast. Their
+description of them as the outcome of an organised attack upon Catholics
+was indignantly challenged by the Ulstermen, and the SPEAKER had hard work
+to maintain order. The contest was renewed on a motion for the adjournment.
+As a means of bringing peace to Ireland the debate was absolutely futile.
+But it enabled Mr. DEVLIN to fire off one of his tragical-comical orations,
+and Sir H. GREENWOOD to disclaim the accusation that he had treated the
+Irish problem with levity. "There is nothing light and airy about me," he
+declared; and no one who has heard his pronunciation of the word "Belfast"
+would doubt it.
+
+Before and after this melancholy interlude good progress was made with the
+Finance Bill, and Mr. CHAMBERLAIN made several further concessions to the
+"family-man."
+
+_Tuesday, July 27th._--The Lords rejected the Health Resorts and Watering
+Places Bill under which local authorities could have raised a penny rate
+for advertising purposes. Lord SOUTHWARK'S well-meant endeavour to support
+the Bill by reminding the House that Irish local authorities had enjoyed
+this power since 1909 was perhaps the proximate cause of its defeat, for it
+can hardly be said that the last few weeks have enhanced the reputation of
+Ireland as a health resort.
+
+Mr. HARMSWORTH utterly confounded the critics of the Passport Office. Its
+staff may appear preposterously large and its methods unduly dilatory, but
+the fact remains that it is one of the few public departments that actually
+pays its way. Last year it spent thirty-seven thousand pounds and took
+ninety-one thousand pounds in fees. "See the world and help to pay for the
+War" should be the motto over its portals.
+
+It is, of course, quite proper that soldiers who wreck the property of
+civilians--albeit under great provocation--should receive suitable
+punishment. But a sailor is hardly the man to press for it. Lieutenant-
+Commander KENWORTHY received a much-needed lesson in etiquette when Major
+JAMESON gravely urged, in his penetrating Scotch voice, that soldiers in
+Ireland should be ordered not to distract the prevailing peace and quiet of
+that country, but should keep to their proper function of acting as targets
+for Sinn Fein bullets.
+
+Mr. CHAMBERLAIN dealt very gingerly with Sir ARTHUR FELL'S inquiry as to
+whether "any ordinary individual can understand the forms now sent out by
+the Income Tax Department?" Fearing that if he replied in the affirmative
+he would be asked to solve some particularly abstruse conundrum, he
+contented himself with saying that the forms were complicated because the
+tax was complicated, and the tax was complicated because of the number and
+variety of the reliefs granted to the taxpayer. It does not seem to have
+occurred to him that it is the duty of the CHANCELLOR OF THE EXCHEQUER to
+make the tax simple as well as equitable. Is it conceivable that he can
+have forgotten ADAM SMITH's famous maxims on the subject, and particularly
+this: "The time of payment, the manner of payment, the quantity to be paid,
+ought all to be clear and plain to the contributor, and to every other
+person"?
+
+[Illustration: MR. BONAR LAW PACKS HIS TRUNKS.]
+
+The House did not rise till half-past one this morning, and was again faced
+with a long night's work. In vain Sir DONALD MACLEAN protested against the
+practice of taking wee sma' Bills in the wee sma' oors. Mr. BONAR LAW was
+obdurate. He supposed the House had not abandoned all hope of an Autumn
+recess. Well, then, had not the poet said that the best of all ways to
+lengthen our days was to steal a few hours from the night?
+
+The Report stage of the Finance Bill was finished off, but not until the
+Government had experienced some shocks. The Corporation tax, intended
+partially to fill the yawning void which will be caused some day by the
+disappearance of E.P.D.--on the principle that one bad tax deserves
+another--was condemned with equal vigour, but for entirely different
+reasons, by Colonel WEDGWOOD and Sir F. BANBURY. They "told" together
+against it and had the satisfaction of bringing the Government majority
+down to fifty-five.
+
+The champions of the Co-operative Societies also put up a strong fight
+against the proposal to make their profits, for the first time, subject to
+taxation. Mr. CHAMBERLAIN declined, however, to put them in a privileged
+position as compared with other traders, but carried his point only by
+sixty-one votes.
+
+_Wednesday, July 28th._--In spite of the limitation of Questions the Member
+for Central Hull still manages to extract a good deal of information from
+the Treasury Bench. This afternoon he learned from Mr. LONG that the Board
+of Admiralty was not created solely for the purpose of satisfying his
+curiosity; and from Mr. KELLAWAY that the equipment of even the most
+versatile Under-Secretary does not include the gift of prophecy.
+
+At long last the House learned the Government decision regarding the
+increase in railway fares. It is to come into force on August 6th, by which
+time the most belated Bank-Holiday-maker should have returned from his
+revels. Mr. BONAR LAW appended to the announcement a surely otiose
+explanation of the necessity of the increase. Everybody knows that railways
+are being run at a loss, due in the main to the increased wages of miners
+and railway-men. Mr. THOMAS rather weakly submitted that an important
+factor was the larger number of men employed, and was promptly met with the
+retort that that was because of the shorter hours worked.
+
+Cheered by the statement of its Leader that he still hoped to get the
+adjournment by August 14th the House plunged with renewed zest into the
+final stage of the Finance Bill. Mr. BOTTOMLEY, whose passion for accuracy
+is notorious, inveighed against the lack of this quality in the Treasury
+Estimates. As for the war-debt, since the Government had failed to "make
+Germany pay," he urged that the principal burden should be left for
+posterity to shoulder.
+
+These sentiments rather shocked Mr. ASQUITH, who, while mildly critical of
+Government methods, was all in favour of "severe, stringent, drastic
+taxation." Mr. CHAMBERLAIN repeated his now familiar lecture to the House
+of Commons, which, while accusing the Government of extravagance, was
+always pressing for new forms of expenditure. In the study of economy he
+dislikes abstractions--except from the pockets of the taxpayer.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "Company's water is on to the house and cowshed."--_Advert. in Daily
+    Paper._
+
+Now we know why our water is sometimes contaminated with milk.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "One of the most striking of the collection of exhibits of fascinating
+    interest [at the Imperial War Museum] is the Air Force map for carrying
+    out the British plan for bombing Berlin. Specimens of the bombs,
+    weighing 3,000 pounds each, are also included in this museum of war
+    souvenirs with the object of demonstrating the resources of the Empire
+    and giving a stimulus to its trade."--_South African Paper._
+
+Motto for British traders: "If at first you don't succeed, try, try
+trinitrotoluene."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE BIRTHDAY PRESENT.
+
+I went into the morning-room with a worried frown upon my brow. Kathleen
+was doing the accounts at the table.
+
+"Kathleen," I said, "it's Veronica's birthday on Wednesday and--"
+
+"What did you say seven eighths were?" said Kathleen. "I asked you last
+week."
+
+"I can't possibly carry complicated calculations in my head from week to
+week," I said; "you should have made a note of it at the time. It's
+Veronica's birthday on Wednesday, and what do you think she wants?"
+
+But Kathleen was enthralled by the greengrocer's book. "Have we really had
+eight cabbages this week?" she said. "We must, I suppose. Greengrocers are
+generally honest; they live so near to nature. Well, now," she shut up her
+books, "what were you saying, dear?"
+
+I sighed, cleared my throat and began again. "It's Veronica's birthday on
+Wednesday, and what do you think she wants? She wants," I said
+dramatically, "a 'frush' from the bird-shop in the village. The ones that
+hang in cages outside the door."
+
+"Well," said Kathleen, "why not?"
+
+"Why not?" I became more than serious. "A daughter of ours has demanded for
+a plaything a caged bird. Psychologically it is an important occasion. Now
+or never must she learn to look upon a caged bird with horror. What I am
+thinking of is the psychological effect upon the child's character. The
+psychological--"
+
+"You needn't worry about Veronica's psychology," said Kathleen. "Veronica's
+psychology is in the right place."
+
+"You misunderstand the meaning of the word," I said loftily. "However, if
+you wish to wash your hands of Veronica's training, if you refuse to cope
+with your own child, I must take it upon myself."
+
+"Do," said Kathleen sweetly; "I'll listen."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+It was Veronica's birthday. We were outside the bird-shop. The thrushes in
+cages hung around the door.
+
+Veronica lifted grave blue eyes to me trustingly. "You promised me a frush,
+darlin'," she said.
+
+Veronica is small for her name and has a disarming habit of introducing
+terms of endearment into her conversation.
+
+"You didn't quite understand me," I said gently. "I said I'd think about
+it."
+
+"Yes, but that means promising, doesn't it? Finking about it _means_
+promising. I _fought_ you meant promising. I fought all night you meant
+promising. Darlin'." The last word was a sentence all by itself.
+
+Kathleen raised her eyebrows when we came out with the bird in the cage.
+
+"This isn't quite the moment," I said with dignity; "it's best to let her
+get it first and realise afterwards."
+
+"Let's all go to Crown Hill now," said Veronica in a voice that admitted of
+no denial.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+We were on Crown Hill. Veronica had hugged the cage to her small bosom all
+the way, making little reassuring noises to its occupant.
+
+"Now," said Kathleen, "hadn't you better begin? Isn't this the psycho--you
+know what moment?"
+
+I took a deep breath and began.
+
+"Veronica," I said, "listen to me for a moment. If you were a little
+bird--"
+
+But she wasn't listening to me. She had held up the little wooden cage,
+opened the clasp of the door and, with a rapt smile on her small shining
+face, was watching the "frush" as he soared into the air with a sudden
+burst of song.
+
+We none of us spoke till he had vanished from sight. Then Veronica broke
+the silence.
+
+"It's all my very own plan," she said proudly. "I planned it all by myself.
+An' all my birfdays I'm going to have one of that nasty man's frushes for a
+present, and we'll all free come up here and let it out--always an' always
+an' for ever an' ever--right up till I'm a hundred."
+
+"Why stop at a hundred?" I murmured, recovering myself with an effort.
+
+But I could not escape Kathleen's eye.
+
+"I hope you feel small," it said.
+
+I did.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _The Colonel._ "_ANYONE_ MAY MISS THE TIDE OR GET STUCK UPON
+A MUD-BANK; BUT TO LOSE THE MATCHES AND FORGET THE WHISKY IS TO PROVE
+YOURSELF UNWORTHY OF THE NAME OF 'YACHTSMAN'!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+RHYMES OF THE UNDERGROUND.
+
+                  I.
+
+  I never heard of Ruislip, I never saw its name,
+  Till Underground advertisements had brought it into fame;
+  I've never been to Ruislip, I never yet have heard
+  The true pronunciation of so singular a word.
+
+  I'd like to go to Ruislip; I'd like to feast my eyes
+  On "scenes of sylvan beauty" that the posters advertise;
+  But, though I long to view the spot, while I am in the dark
+  About its name I dare not face the booking-office clerk.
+
+  Suppose I ventured "Riz-lip" and in answer to his "Eh?"
+  Stammered "Ruse-lip, Rise-lip, Rees-lip," just imagine how he'd say,
+  "Well, where _do_ you want to book to?" and the voices from behind,
+  "Must we wait until this gentleman has ascertained his mind?"
+
+                  II.
+
+  The trains that stop at Down Street--(Sing willow-waly-O!)--
+  They run through Hyde Park Corner as fast as they can go;
+  And trains at Hyde Park Corner that stop--(Oh dearie me!)--
+  Contrariwise at Down Street are "non-stop" as can be.
+
+  There's a man at Down Street Station--he came there years ago
+  To get to Hyde Park Corner--(Sing willow-waly-O!)--
+  And, as the trains go past him, 'tis pitiful to see
+  Him beat his breast and murmur, "Oh dearie, dearie me!"
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    '"The Rev. R.S. ---- has accepted the post of librarian of Pussy House,
+    Oxford."--_Local Paper._
+
+And will soon get to work on the catalogue.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "WANTED--a middle-aged Witty Indian to read Bengali religious books and
+    capable of telling witty and fairy tales from 12 to 3 p.m."--_Indian
+    Paper._
+
+This might suit Mr. GANDHI. If not witty, he is very good at fairy-tales.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+VADE MECUMS.
+
+I have invented a new sort of patience. It is called Vade Mecums. The rules
+are quite simple and all the plant you need for it is a "Vade Mecum"
+traveller's handbook and a complete ignorance of all languages but your
+own. Get one of these fascinating little classics, a passport and a single
+to Boulogne, and you can begin at once.
+
+The game consists in firing off (in the local lingo) every single phrase
+that occurs in the book. The only other rule in the game is that the
+occasion for making each remark must be reasonably apposite. You need not
+keep to the order in the book and no points are awarded for pronunciation,
+provided that the party addressed shows by word or deed that he (or she)
+has understood you. By way of illustration I will give some account of my
+first experiments in this enthralling pastime.
+
+As it happened I was able to start at once--too soon, in fact, to be
+altogether comfortable. We had scarcely put out from Folkestone before I
+got my chance. The sea was distinctly rough, but I just had time to open my
+Vade Mecum at page 228 (sub-heading, "On embarking and what happens at
+sea"), and to read to a passing French steward the first sentence that
+caught my eye. It was as follows: "The wind is very violent; the sea is
+very rough; the waves are very high; the rolling of the vessel makes my
+head ache; I am very much inclined to be sick."
+
+After that I made no more progress till we reached Boulogne; but from the
+steward's subsequent actions I judged that he had understood; so I was one
+up.
+
+My Vade Mecum, like most of its kind, was unfortunately compiled many years
+ago and had never been brought up to date. This, of course, saved me the
+expense of having to hire aeroplanes or even motor-cars, but it landed me
+in quite a number of difficulties at the opposite extreme, as you will see.
+
+For instance, in order to polish off the heading, "Of what may happen on
+the road," I was compelled to obtain a carriage. Judge then my joy when, on
+reaching a carriage builder's, I discovered a whole section tucked away in
+a corner of the book dealing exclusively with that very topic. I can think
+of no other conceivable circumstances under which I could have said, "The
+wheels are in a miserable state; the body is too heavy; the springs are too
+light; the shafts are too short; the pole is too thin; the shape is
+altogether old-fashioned, and the seats are both high and uncomfortable."
+
+Yet now I said it all--in two halves, it is true, and in two different
+shops; but still I said it all. The first half cost me three front teeth,
+which fell out while the outraged _carrossier_ was ejecting me; the second
+cost me a large sum of money, because somehow or other I found I had
+_bought_ the vehicle in question. This I fancy must have been occasioned by
+my turning over two pages at once, so that I suppose I really said, "Mr.
+X., you are an honest man; I will give you ten thousand francs, but on
+condition that you furnish splinter-bars and traces also for that price."
+
+Still one must pay for one's pleasures, and once _en route_ I made short
+work of the "What-may-happen-on-the-road" section. The sentence from which
+I anticipated most trouble was this: "Postilion, stop. A spoke of one of
+the wheels is broken; some of the harness is undone; a spring is also
+broken and one of the horses' shoes is come off." I got out all this
+(without having to tell a lie too) and was just looking feverishly through
+the book to find phrases to describe the ricketty state of every other part
+of the vehicle when the off hind-wheel came in half, the front axle snapped
+and the carriage rolled over on its side stone dead. When I came to myself
+I found that I was comfortably seated in a ditch, my driver beside me and
+my Vade Mecum still open in my hand; so I had the gratification of being
+able to continue the conversation where I had left off. "We should do
+well," I read, "to get out."
+
+I will not detain you long over the difficulties that I had with the
+"Society" section. But I feel I ought to mention the business of the
+Countess, if only to put intending players on their guard. There is a
+puzzling phrase which occurs in answer to the observation, "Pray come
+nearer the fire; I am sure you must be cold." The proper answer is, "No, I
+thank you. I am very well placed here beside the Countess." It took me a
+month to find a Countess, two to meet her in the drawing-room of a mutual
+friend, and four to recover from the hole which the irascible little Count
+made in me when we met next morning on the field of honour.
+
+So I pass sadly and with tears of chagrin to my ultimate defeat. I met my
+Waterloo, my friends, in the section labelled "The Tailor." Requests within
+reason I can comply with, for the fun of the thing. Eatables and drinks,
+suites of rooms and carriages, when ordered on the lavish scale of my Vade
+Mecum, are not exactly _cheap_ now-a-days. But it's about the limit when
+one's Mecum expects one to squander the savings of a lifetime in ordering
+several suits of clothes at once. And yet there it was as large as life,
+the accursed sentence that made me shut the book with a snap and come
+home:--"These coats fit me well, though the cut is not fashionable. I shall
+require also three pairs of trousers, three nankeen pantaloons and four
+waistcoats."
+
+If anyone feels inclined to try my patience--and theirs--I should like to
+mention that I have a nice annotated Mecum and a good second-hand carriage
+for disposal at a very moderate figure.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A VICTIM OF FASHION.
+
+Like everybody else that one knows, Kidger is an ex-service man. During the
+last year of that war on the Continent some time ago he had the acting rank
+of captain, as second in command of a six-mangle army laundry.
+
+When I knew him in pre-war days he was an amiable character, with only two
+serious weaknesses. One of these was an exaggerated fastidiousness about
+clothes, and the other an undue deference to the dicta of the Press. A
+leader in _The Tailor and Cutter_ would make him thoughtful for days. This
+fatal concern about clothing amounted to a mania where neckwear was
+concerned.
+
+In pre-war days he wore the ordinary single, perpendicular variety of
+collar, with sharp turn-over points, starched and white to match his
+shirts.
+
+Before leaving England to join his laundry, Kidger, with a magnificent
+gesture, abandoned his fine collection of collars to his aunt, bidding her
+convert them to some patriotic end. The fond lady, however, fearing lest
+anything should befall her nephew if a hot sector of the line moved up to
+the laundry, preserved them carefully, and Kidger was very glad to reclaim
+them on his demobilisation.
+
+One unfortunate day Kidger's morning paper contained one of those Fashions
+for Men columns, where he learned that the best people were wearing only
+soft collars, as they couldn't stand being cooped up in starch after the
+freedom of uniform. Kidger felt that as an ex-army man it was up to him to
+maintain any military tradition, and he immediately bought several dozen,
+soft white collars with long sharp points. The fellow in the shop said they
+were correct.
+
+A week later another expert mentioned in print that no man who had any
+self-respect wore collars with sharp corners.
+
+Kidger is not a manual worker. He reduced his cigarette allowance and
+bought some round-cornered ones, white as before. And then his aunt
+directed the poor fellow's attention to a paragraph by an authority signing
+himself "The Colonel," which stated that none but the profiteer was wearing
+white collars, and that you might know the man who had done his bit by the
+fact that he wore a blue one with slightly rounded corners, accompanied by
+a self-coloured tie of a darker shade, tied in a neat butterfly bow.
+
+This was a blow to Kidger, but he resigned from his golf club and laid in
+some haberdashery in accordance with "The Colonel's" orders.
+Recommendations would be too mild a word. I saw the paragraph--most
+peremptory.
+
+But in a rival paper "Brigadier" mentioned only three days later that none
+but the most noxious bounder and tout would be found dead in a blue collar
+with a white shirt. Kidger saw the truth of this at once; he had
+receptivity if not intuition. After a trying interview with his banker he
+bought several blue shirts.
+
+Then the General who contributes "Sartorial Tips" to several leading
+journals remarked that, since all kinds of people were wearing coloured
+shirts and collars, the man who desired to retain or achieve that touch of
+distinction which means so much must at any cost wear white ones; and that,
+further, Society was frowning on the slovenly unstarched neck-wear of the
+relapsed temporary gentleman.
+
+Kidger began to show signs of neurasthenia. His stock of pre-war collars
+was exhausted, or rather eroded. His faithful aunt, however, remembered a
+neglected birthday and gave him a dozen new ones, of the up-and-down model,
+to save Kidger's delicate neck. These, with his nice butterfly-bow ties,
+looked really well, and Kidger recovered his old form.
+
+I warned him to keep to the police and Parliamentary news in the papers,
+but his eyes would wander. The result was that he learned from "Brigade
+Major" that the wearing of a butterfly bow with a double event collar was a
+solecism past forgiveness or repentance, and that its smart appearance was
+the deadly bait which caught the miserable bumpkin who ignorantly fancied
+that a man could dress by the light of nature.
+
+Kidger collapsed. His aunt volunteered to sell her annuity and help him,
+but the innate nobility of the man forbade him to accept this useless
+sacrifice.
+
+His medical attendant tells me that he is now allowed to read only poetry,
+wearing a sweater meanwhile, and that arrangements are being made for him
+to join a sheep-farming cousin in Patagonia, where collars are despised and
+newspapers invariably out of date.
+
+W.K.H.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _She._ "I TOLD 'EE TO GREASE THE WHEELS AFORE WE COME OUT."
+
+_He._ "IT BE AS MUCH AS I CAN DO TO KEEP UP WITH IT AS 'TIS."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    A SUPERFLUOUS ANNOUNCEMENT.
+
+    "The Government have found it impossible to proceed with the Government
+    of Ireland before the Autumn Session."--_Daily Paper._
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "Clerk (Junior) Wanted for Spinners' Office, age 1617.--_Yorkshire
+    Paper._
+
+"Junior," we take it, is a misprint.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+EDWARD AND THE B.O.F.
+
+It was the first Sunday of the season, and the select end of Folkesbourne
+revealed in each carefully curled geranium leaf, in each carefully-combed
+blade of grass, the thought and labour expended by the B.O.F. (Borough of
+Folkesbourne).
+
+Upon the greensward stood orderly rows of well-washed chairs, each with
+B.O.F. neatly stencilled upon its back. On this day, however, and at this
+hour (12.30 P.M.) scarce a B.O.F. was visible; each was hidden by a
+well-dressed visitor. And between the orderly rows of well-dressed visitors
+paraded orderly pairs of superbly-dressed visitors.
+
+I was standing at the corner by the steps leading to the lower parade and
+thence to the beach and the rocks where the common people (myself on
+week-days, for instance) go to paddle with their children. I was wearing my
+new pale-grey suit which cost--but you will know more or less what it cost;
+I need not labour an unpleasant subject--and I was actually talking at the
+time to a member of the B.O.F.
+
+"This is Peace at last," he was saying; "the place really begins to look--"
+
+It was at this moment that Edward appeared. His route was the very centre
+of the lawn. He was wearing a battered Panama hat, a much-darned brownish
+jersey, and his nether man--or rather boy, for Edward's years are but
+four--was encased in paddling drawers made of the same material as a
+sponge-bag. Black sand-shoes completed his outfit, and a broken shrimping-
+net trailed behind him. At the moment when Edward first caught my horrified
+eye a particularly well-groomed young gentleman of about his own age caught
+Edward's eye in turn. Edward paused to survey this silken wonder with
+interest. Then, as if prompted thereto by the sight, he snatched off his
+hat and, casting it upon the ground, kicked it vigorously across the grass.
+
+The removal of the hat was the last straw, for Edward's hair is
+provocatively red. My friend of the B.O.F. advanced towards him with the
+intention of exerting authority and restoring discipline. Edward turned at
+the sound of a stern voice. Possibly he might have put out his tongue--you
+never know with Edward. But, what was worse, far worse, he saw me. With a
+glad cry of "Daddy" he rushed to me and, regardless of the fact that his
+front was covered with green slime, the result of going _ventre a pierre_
+over the rocks, he flung his arms round my legs.
+
+I would gladly have sunk into the ground. All eyes were upon us, and
+remained, as I felt, upon me, even when a breathless nursery-maid had
+retrieved Edward and borne him seawards once more.
+
+One especially I had noticed, a very superbly dressed female visitor who
+had paused to witness the whole scene and was now resuming her promenade. I
+dreaded the comment which I felt I should overhear as she passed me--"What
+a horrible child!" it would be at the very least. But women are strangely
+unaccountable, even in so highly civilised an atmosphere as this. I
+distinctly heard her say, "What a darling!"
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Mother._ "IT IS VERY NAUGHTY TO TELL UNTRUTHS, KITTY. THOSE
+WHO DO SO NEVER GET TO HEAVEN."
+
+_Kitty._ "DIDN'T YOU EVER TELL AN UNTRUTH, MUMMY?"
+
+_Mother._ "NO, DEAR--NEVER."
+
+_Kitty._ "WELL, YOU'LL BE FEARFULLY LONELY, WON'T YOU, WITH ONLY GEORGE
+WASHINGTON?"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE HORRORS OF PEACE.
+
+    "Wanted.--Boy for Butchering, about 15 years old."--_Local Paper._
+
+Extract from a solicitor's letter:--
+
+    "The sale of the above premises is now nearing completion and we expect
+    to have the conveyance ready for execution in the course of a short
+    period the length of which depends to some extent upon how soon we can
+    obtain the execution of the Bishop."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+NEO-TOPICS.
+
+  There was a young neo-DELANE
+  Whose writing was frequently sane;
+      But the name of LLOYD GEORGE
+      So uplifted his gorge
+  That it threatened to swallow his brain.
+
+  There was an adored neo-Queen
+  Who ruled the whole world on the screen;
+      She simply knocked spots
+      Off poor MARY OF SCOTS,
+  But she doubled the gloom of our Dean.
+
+  There was an advanced neo-Georgian,
+  Or perhaps we should say Georgy-Porgian,
+      When asked to declare
+      What his principles were,
+  He invariably answered, "Pro-Borgian."
+
+  There was a great neo-Art critic
+  Whose style was extremely mephitic;
+      He treated VAN GOGH
+      And CEZANNE as dead dog,
+  And JOHN as a growth parasitic.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+OUR BLOATED PLURALISTS.
+
+    "Wanted, Organist. Small country church. Salary L20. Good lodgings.
+    (Could be held with post of Milker on Manor Farm; permanent work;
+    Sundays free; ample salary.)"--_Church Times._
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "The Grimsby trawler Silurian has towed Sir George Grahame, Minister
+    Plenipotentiary in Paris, to be his Majesty's Ambassador Extraordinary
+    and Plenipotentiary to the King of the Belgians."--_Provincial Paper._
+
+We really think the Government might have provided him with a torpedo-boat.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "The one thing which the Cabinet does not intend to do is to authorise
+    the proclamation of marital law. It would engage far too many troops."
+    --_Provincial Paper._
+
+The Irish girls are _so_ attractive.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "A friend of mine bought from a bookseller who was also, oddly enough,
+    a bibliophile himself, a copy of Arnold's very rare book, _The Strayed
+    Revetter_, by A. He gave 6d. It is worth L5."--_Book Post._
+
+Surely more than that!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "An Ipswichomnibus pushed its bonnet through the window of a millinery
+    shop."--_Daily Paper._
+
+This intelligent animal (believed to be the female of the Brontosaurus) was
+probably seeking a change of headgear.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Tripper._ "I'VE A BLOOMIN' GOOD MIND TO REPORT YOU FOR
+PROFITEERING."
+
+_Old Salt._ "WHAT YER TALKIN' ABOUT?"
+
+_Tripper._ "WELL, THEM SHRIMPS I BOUGHT OFF YOU. ONE OF EM'S GOT ONLY ONE
+EYE."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+OUR BOOKING-OFFICE.
+
+(_By Mr. Punch's Staff of Learned Clerks._)
+
+I rather wish that the publishers of _Invincible Minnie_ (HODDER AND
+STOUGHTON) had not permitted themselves to print upon the wrapper either
+their own comments or those of Miss ELISABETH SANXAY HOLDING, the author.
+Because for my part, reading these, I formed the idea (entirely wrong) that
+the book would be in some way pretentious and affected; whereas it is the
+simple truth to call it the most mercilessly impersonal piece of fiction
+that I think I ever read. There is far too much plot for me to give you any
+but a suggestion of it. The story is of the lives of two sisters, _Frances_
+and _Minnie_; mostly (as the title implies) of _Minnie_. To say that no one
+but a woman would have dared to imagine such a heroine, much less to follow
+her, through every phase of increasing hatefulness, to her horrid
+conclusion is to state an obvious truism. It is incidentally also to give
+you some idea of the kind of person _Minnie_ is, that female Moloch,
+devastating, all-sacrificing, beyond restraint.... As for Miss HOLDING, the
+publishers turned out to be within the mark in claiming for her "a new
+voice." I don't, indeed, for the moment recall any voice in the least like
+it, or any such method; too honest for irony, too detached for sentiment
+and, as I said above, entirely merciless. Towards the end I found myself
+falling back on the old frightened protest, "People don't do these things."
+I still cling to this belief, but the fact remains that Miss HOLDING has a
+haunting trick of persuading one that they might. Minor faults, such as an
+irritating idiom and some carelessness of form, she will no doubt correct;
+meanwhile you have certainly got to read--"to suffer" would be the apter
+word--this remarkable book, whose reception I await with curiosity.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A much misunderstood man is Count BERNSTORFF, formerly German Ambassador at
+Washington. While we were all supposing him to be a bomb-laden conspirator,
+pulling secret strings in Mexico or Canada or Japan from the safe
+protection afforded to his embassy, really he was the most innocent of men,
+anxious for nothing but to keep unsophisticated America from being trapped
+by the wiles of the villain Britisher. One has it all on the best of
+authority--his own--in _My Three Years in America_ (SKEFFINGTON). Of course
+awkward incidents did occur, which have to be explained away or placidly
+ignored, but really, if the warlords at home had not been so invincibly
+tactless in the matter of drowning citizens of the United States, this
+simple and ingenuous diplomat might very well have succeeded, he would have
+us believe, in persuading President WILSON to declare in favour of a
+peace-loving All-Highest. As an essay in special pleading the book does not
+lack ingenuity, and as an example of the familiar belief that other peoples
+will shut their eyes and swallow whatever opinions the Teuton thinks good
+to offer them, it may have interest for the psychologist. For the rest it
+is a very prosy piece of literature, only saved occasionally in its dulness
+by the unconscious crudity of the hatreds lurking beneath its mask of
+plausibility. One of these hatreds is clearly directed against Ambassador
+GERARD, to whose well-known book this volume is in some sort a counter-
+blast. Neither a historian seeking truth nor a plain reader seeking
+recreation will have any difficulty in choosing between them.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Mr. D.A. BARKER, in _The Great Leviathan_ (LANE), doesn't merely leave you
+to make the obvious remark about his having taken Mr. H.G. WELL'S loose,
+tangential and, for a beginner, extraordinarily dangerous method as a
+model, but rubs it in (stout fellow!) by transplanting his hero to India,
+seemingly in order to have excuse for writing a passage which one would say
+was obviously inspired by that gorgeous description of the jungle in _The
+Research Magnificent_. Mr. BARKER has enough matter for two (or three)
+novels and enough skill in portraiture to make them more coherent and
+plausible than this. The theme is old but freshly seen. _Tom Seton_,
+resolved to avoid risking for his beloved the unhappiness which his mother
+had found in the bondage of marriage, offers her--indeed imposes on her--a
+free union. How the pressure of _The Great Leviathan_ (_Mrs. Grundy_--well,
+that's not perhaps quite the whole of the idea, but it will serve) drove
+her into the shelter of a formal marriage with a devoted don, I leave you
+to gather. I don't think the author quite succeeds in making _Mary's_
+defection inevitable, nor do I see the significance of the apparently quite
+irrelevant background of Indian philosophy and intrigue. But here's a
+well-written book, with sound positive qualities outweighing the defects of
+inexperience.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Captain ALAN BOTT ("Contact") has a literary gift of a high order, the gift
+of getting the very last thrill out of his experiences while telling his
+tale in the simplest and most straightforward way. In _Eastern Nights_
+(BLACKWOOD) he describes his adventures as a prisoner of the Turks, first
+in Damascus and Asia Minor and finally in Constantinople. The narrative,
+which is purely one of action, the action being supplied by the efforts,
+finally successful, of the author and various brother-officers to escape
+from their most unattractive captivity, nevertheless offers a most vivid
+picture of the social fabric of the Near East and in particular of the
+attitude of the _melange_ of Oriental peoples that comprised the Turkish
+Empire towards the War in which they found themselves taking part, most of
+them with reluctance and all inefficiently. Apathy rather than calculated
+brutality was chiefly responsible for the hardships suffered by the
+prisoners of war of all nations who were unfortunate enough to fall into
+Turkish hands. From the point of view of an officer determined to escape,
+however, the prevalence of this quality was not without its advantage. Most
+of the officials (Turks and Germans excepted) with whom Captain BOTT and
+his fellow-officers had to do were pro-Ally at heart and ready enough to
+assist an escaping prisoner if they did not happen to be too timid. And
+even the Turk was amenable on occasion to baksheesh. Altogether a most
+fascinating book, _Eastern Nights_ is likely to win wide appreciation not
+alone for its literary merit but as a stirring record of the courage and
+resource, under desperate and trying conditions, of the Empire's soldiers.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Miss HENRIETTA LESLIE belongs to the school of novelists who believe in
+telling you all about their characters and leaving you to pass judgment on
+them yourself, without expert assistance. It is a fine impartial method
+which succeeds in representing life and the indecisiveness of human nature
+very well; but such books somehow lack the glow of more partisan writings.
+In _A Mouse with Wings_ (COLLINS) she tells the story of a woman's life
+from the time of her engagement until her son is a young man and she
+herself married again. _Olga_ is a splendid creature, but, as Miss LESLIE
+cleverly lets you see for yourself, the belief in her own principles and
+their application, which is the essence of her character, alienates her
+husband and makes something like a ninny of _Arnold_, her son. _A Mouse
+with Wings_ is not only the sobriquet of _Beryl_, the cheerful young
+Suffragette whom he loves, but has its application also to poor _Arnold_,
+who finds the courage to face life and a way out of it fighting in France.
+It is a nicely-written book with a little air of distinction, but, in case
+anyone should blame me for hushing it up, I ought to mention that both
+_Olga_ and _Beryl_ would probably have admired _Arnold_ a great deal more
+had he "found himself" by way of Conscientious Objection.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+I can testify that Mr. ZANE GREY'S _The Man of the Forest_ (HODDER AND
+STOUGHTON) is a yarn told with considerable zest and with just that
+undercurrent of sentiment which sweeps large portions of the British public
+completely off its feet. In this book the heroine, _Helen Rayner_, and her
+sister, _Bo_, leave Missouri for their uncle's ranch in New Mexico; but
+before they reach their destination many and wonderful adventures befall
+them. To escape from being kidnapped by some superb scoundrels they were
+hustled off to _Milt Dale's_ home in the forest, and there they had for a
+long time to remain. _Milt_ was one of nature's gentlemen, but as his boon
+companion was a cougar (whose uninviting picture is to be seen upon the
+paper cover), this forest home had its slight inconveniences. Mr. GREY,
+however, writes of it so admirably that he almost persuades me to be a
+camper-out, provided always that I may live in a cavern and not in a
+caravan. Cowboys, bandits, Mormons and other vigorous characters keep
+things moving at a terrific pace. But stirringly full of incident as this
+tale is, Mr. GREY never forgets that it is love that really makes the world
+go round. He is in short a born storyteller, with a style by no means to be
+despised, and I see no reason why his popularity should not continue to wax
+here, and ultimately to rival its American magnitude.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: ATMOSPHERE IN OUR RIVER BUNGALOWS.
+
+_Hostess_ (_to her husband, just arrived from Town_). "YOU'VE FORGOTTEN THE
+CHOP-STICKS, JOHN. YOU'VE SPOILT THE PARTY!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+ANOTHER GEDDES PROMOTION.
+
+    "Among celebrities who will watch British seamanship matched against
+    American are Franklin D. Roosevelt, Assistant Secretary of the Navy,
+    and Sir Auckland Geddes, British Admiral to the United States."--
+    _Canadian Paper._
+
+
+
+
+
+
+End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol.
+159, August 4th, 1920, by Various
+
+*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH ***
+
+***** This file should be named 16628.txt or 16628.zip *****
+This and all associated files of various formats will be found in:
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+Project Gutenberg (https://www.gutenberg.org) public repository for
+eBook #16628 (https://www.gutenberg.org/ebooks/16628)