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diff --git a/16619.txt b/16619.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..d8694c4 --- /dev/null +++ b/16619.txt @@ -0,0 +1,2124 @@ +The Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 159, +July 28th, 1920, by Various + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 159, July 28th, 1920 + +Author: Various + +Release Date: August 29, 2005 [EBook #16619] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ASCII + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH *** + + + + +Produced by Jonathan Ingram, Keith Edkins and the Online +Distributed Proofreading Team at https://www.pgdp.net + + + + + +PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. + +VOL. 159. + + + +July 28th, 1920. + + + + +CHARIVARIA. + +"The public will not stand for increased railway fares," says a +contemporary. They have had too much standing at the old prices. + +* * * + +A Mile End man writes to _The Daily Express_ to say that one of his ducks +laid four eggs in one day. It seems about the most sensible thing the bird +could have done with them. + +* * * + +As a result of the recent Tube extension, passengers can now travel from +the Bank to Ealing in thirty-five minutes. It is further claimed that the +route passes under some of the most beautiful scenery in England. + +* * * + +Mersey shipyard workers have made a demand on their employers for five +pounds ten shillings a week when not working and seven pounds a week when +working. This proposal to discriminate between the men who work and those +who don't is condemned in more advanced trade union circles as savouring +dangerously of capitalism. + +* * * + +"One evening at Covent Garden," says M. ABEL HERMANT in _Le Temps_, "will +teach more correct behaviour than six months' lessons from a certified +professor of etiquette." Opinion among the smart set is divided as to +whether he means Covent Garden Theatre or Covent Garden Market. + +* * * + +The Bolshevists in Petrograd are finding a difficulty in the appointment of +a public executioner. This is just the chance for a man who wants a nice +steady job. + +* * * + +On looking up our diary we find that the MAD MULLAH is just about due to be +killed again. We wonder if anything is being done in the matter. + +* * * + +A German merchant is anxious to get into touch with a big stamp-dealer in +this country. Our feeling is that the POSTMASTER-GENERAL is the man he +wants. + +* * * + +We are asked to deny the rumour that Sir PHILIP SASSOON has been appointed +touring manager to the Peace Conference. + +* * * + +A Newbury man has succeeded in breeding pink-coated tame rats. It is said +that the Prohibitionists hope to exterminate these, as they did the green +ones. + +* * * + +A blunder of thirty million pounds in the estimates for British operations +in Russia is revealed in a White Paper. It is expected that the Government +will bequeath it to the nation. + +* * * + +Owing to the high cost of material we understand that a certain pill is +to-day worth L1 11s. 6d. a box. + +* * * + +The Sinn Feiners now threaten to capture one of our new battleships. We +sincerely hope that the Government will place a caretaker on board each of +our most valuable Dreadnoughts. + +* * * + +A Lanarkshire magistrate the other day doubted whether a miner could +remember details of an accident which happened two years ago. It is said +that the miner had vivid recollections of the affair as it happened to be +the day he was at work. + +* * * + +It is urged that all taxi-cabs should have a cowcatcher in front in case of +accidents. We gather that the drivers are quite willing provided they are +allowed to charge for anyone they pick up as an "extra." + +* * * + +It is reported that the muzzling order may come into force again in South +Wales. We understand that a dog which thoughtlessly attempted to bark in +Welsh in the main street of Cardiff was responsible for the belief that +rabies had broken out again. + +* * * + +During a brass-band contest a few days ago three members of the winning +band were taken ill just after they had finished playing. It was at first +feared that they had overblown themselves. + +* * * + +"A true lover of nature is nowadays very hard to find," complains a writer +in a Nature journal. Yet we know a golfer who always shouts "Fore!" on +slicing a ball into a spinney. + +* * * + +The two African lions which escaped from the Zoo in Portugal have not yet +been captured, and were last seen near the border-line of Switzerland. It +is thought that they are endeavouring to walk across Europe as a reprisal +for the flight across Africa by two Europeans. + +* * * + +The Dublin Trades Council called a one-day strike last week "to secure the +release of Mr. JAMES LARKIN." So successful was the strike, we understand, +that the United States authorities have decided that the presence of Mr. +LARKIN at forthcoming celebrations of a similar character would be quite +superfluous. + +* * * + +Speaking to an audience of miners at Morpeth Mr. RAMSAY MACDONALD said he +dreamed of a time when the miners would govern the country. Not even the +miners, on the other hand, would dream of letting Mr. RAMSAY MACDONALD +govern it. + +* * * + +"Does the Government realise," asks a newspaper correspondent, "that as +regards the situation in Ireland we are on the edge of a crater or with a +thunderbolt over our heads?" We rather imagine that the Government, like +the writer, isn't quite sure which. + +* * * + +Oswestry Guardians have accepted an offer to supply Bibles to tramps. This +is the first occasion on which the current belief that the tramp class is +nowadays being recruited largely from the ranks of the minor clergy has +received formal recognition. + +* * * + +A bricklayer has been summoned for not sending his son to school. It +appears that the father, finding his boy could count up to twenty and +wishing him to follow his own occupation, thought further schooling +unnecessary. + +* * * + +"When the country really understands the need of the Government," says an +essayist, "we shall travel far." But not at twopence a mile, thank you. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: TRUE POLITENESS. + +"YOUR EEL, I THINK, SIR?"] + + * * * * * + +A CRIMINAL TYPE. + +To-day I am MAKing aN inno6Lvation. as you mayalready have gessed, I am +typlng this article myself Zz1/2lnstead of writing it, The idea is to save +time and exvBKpense, also to demonstyap demonBTrike= =damn, to demonstratO +that I can type /ust as well as any blessedgirl 1f I give my mInd to iT"" +Typlng while you compose is realy extraoraordinarrily easy, though +composing whilr you typE is more difficult. I rather think my typing style +is going to be different froM my u6sual style, but Idaresay noone will mind +that much. looking back i see that we made rather a hash of that awfuul +wurd extraorordinnaryk? in the middle of a woRd like thaton N-e gets quite +lost? 2hy do I keep putting questionmarks instead of fulstopSI wonder. Now +you see i have put a fulllstop instead Of a question mark it nevvvver reins +but it pours. + +the typewriter to me has always been a musteryL? and even now that I have +gained a perfect mastery over the machine in gront of me i have npt th3 +faintest idea hoW it workss% &or instance why does the thingonthetop the +klnd of overhead Wailway arrrangement move along one pace afterr every +word; I haVe exam@aaa ined the mechanism from all points of view but there +seeems to be noreason atall whyit shouould do tLis . damn that L, it keeps +butting in: it is Just lik real life. then there are all kinds oF +attractive devisesand levers andbuttons of which is amanvel in itself, and +does somethI5g useful without lettin on how it does iT. + +Forinstance on this machinE which is A mi/et a mijge7 imean a mi/dgt, made +of alumium,, and very light sothat you caN CARRY it about on your Lolidays +(there is that L again) and typeout your poems onthe Moon immmmediately, +and there is onely one lot of keys for capITals and ordinay latters; when +you want todoa Capital you press down a special key marked cap i mean CAP +with the lefft hand and yo7 press down the letter withthe other, like that +abcd, no, ABCDEFG . how jolly that looks . as a mattr of fact th is takes a +little gettingintoas all the letters on the keys are printed incapitals so +now and then one forgets topress downthe SPecial capit al key. not often, +though. on the other hand onceone Las got it down and has written anice nam +e in capitals like LLOYdgeORGE IT IS VERY DIFFICULT TO REmemBER TO PUT IT +DOWN AGAIN ANDTHE N YOU GET THIS SORT OF THING WICH SPOILS THE LOOOK OF THE +HOLE PAGE . or els insted of preSSing down the key marked CAP onepresses +down the key m arked FIG and then insted of LLOYDGEORGE you find that you +have written 1/21/296% :394:3. this is very dissheartening and Lt is no wonder +that typists are sooften sououred in ther youth. + +Apart fromthat though the key marked FIG is rather fun, since you can rite +such amusing things withit, things like % and [Symbol: face] and dear old & +not to mention = and 1/4 and 3/4 and!!! i find that inones ordinarry (i never +get that word right) cor orrespondenLc one doesn't use expressions like @@ +and % % % nearly enough. typewriting gives you a new ideaof possibilities +of the engliLh language; thE more i look at % the more beautiful it seems +to Be: and like the simple flowers of england itis perLaps most beautiLul +when seeen in the masss, Look atit + + % % % % % % % % % % % % + % % % % % % % % % % % % + % % % % % % % % % % % % + % % % % % % % % % % % % + +how would thatdo for a BAThrooM wallpaper? it could be produced verery +cheaply and itcould be calld the CHER RYdesigN damn, imeant to put all that +in capitals. iam afraid this articleis spoilt now but butt bUt curse . But +perhaps the most excitingthing aLout this macLine is that you can by +presssing alittle switch suddenly writein redor green instead of in black; +I donvt understanh how Lt is done butit is very jollY? busisisness men us e +the device a gre t deal wen writing to their membersof PARLIAment, in order +to emphasasise the pointin wich theLr inLustice is worSe than anyone elses +inLustice . wen they come to WE ARE RUINED they burst out into red and wen +they come to WE w WOULD remIND YOU tHAT ATtHE LAST ELECTION yoU UNDERTOOk +they burst into GReeN. thei r typists must enjoy doing those letters. with +this arrang ment of corse one coul d do allkinds of capital wallpapers. for +|nstance wat about a scheme of red L's and black %'s and gReen &'s? this +sort of thing + + L % L % L % L % L % + & L & L & L & L & L + L % L % L % L % L % + & L & L & L & L & L + +Manya poor man would be glad to Lave that in his parLour ratherthan wat he +has got now. of corse, you wont be ab?e to apreciate the fulll bauty of the +design since i underst and that the retched paper which is going to print +this has no redink and no green inq either; so you must Lust immagine that +the L's are red and the &'s are green. it is extroarordinarry (wat a t +erribleword!!!) how backward in MAny waYs these uptodate papers are +wwww1/41/41/41/41/41/41/2=3/4 now how did that happen i wond er; i was experimenting with +the BACK SPACE key; if that is wat it is for i dont thinq i shall use it +again. iI wonder if i am impriving at this1/2 sometimes i thinq i am and so +metimes i thinq iam not . we have not had so many L's lately but i notice +that theere have been one or two misplaced q's & icannot remember to write +i in capital s there it goes again. + +Of curse the typewriter itself is not wolly giltless 1/2ike all mac&ines it +has amind of it sown and is of like passsions with ourselves. i could put +that into greek if only the machine was not so hopelessly MOdern. it 's +chief failing is that it cannot write m'sdecently and instead of h it will +keep putting that confounded L. as amatter of fact ithas been doing m's +rather better today butthat is only its cusssedussedness and because i have +been opening my shoul ders wenever we have come to an m; or should it be A +m? who can tell; little peculiuliarities like making indifferent m's are +very important & wLen one is bying a typewiter one sLould make careful +enquiries about themc; because it is things of that sort wich so often give +criminals away. there is notHing a detective likes so much as a type riter +with an idiosxz an idioynq damit an idiotyncrasy . for instance if i commit +a murder i sLould not thinq of writing a litter about it with this of all +typewriters becusa because that fool ofa L would give me away at once I +daresay scotland Yard have got specimens of my trypewriting locked up in +some pigeonhole allready. if they Lavent they ought to; it ought to be part +of my dosossier. + +i thing the place of the hypewriter in ART is inshufficiently apreciated. +Modern art i understand is chiefly sumbolical expression and straigt lines. +a typwritr can do strait lines with the under lining mark) and there are +few more atractive symbols thaN the symbols i have used in this articel; i +merely thro out the sugestion + +I dont tkink i shal do many more articles like this it is tooo much like +work? but I am glad I have got out of that L habit; + +A.P.L. + + * * * * * + + "PRISON FOR FLAT LANDLORDS."--_Evening Paper._ + +Good. But is nothing going to be done about the landlords with round +figures? + + * * * * * + + "With favourable weather, Thatcham can look forward to a pre-war show + this year."--_Local Paper._ + +Apparently Thatcham carries its eyes in the back of its head. + +[Illustration: A SEA-VIEW OF THE SITUATION. + +INDIGNANT LODGING-HOUSE KEEPER. "AND TO THINK OF THAT THERE ERIC WANTING TO +SQUEEZE THE POOR HOLIDAY-MAKERS BEFORE I GETS AT 'EM."] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Outraged Batsman._ "JARGE, OI DO BELIEVE YOU'M BOWLIN' +DELIBERATE AT MOI GAMMY LEG." + +_Jarge (feeling that something ought to be said)._ "WHY, WILLYUM, OI +THOUGHT THEY WAS BOTH GAMMY."] + + * * * * * + +ELIZABETH GOES ON HOLIDAY. + +"Please, 'm, may I go for my 'olidays a week come Thursday?" asked +Elizabeth. She was evidently labouring under some strong excitement, for +she panted as she spoke and so far forgot herself in her agitation as to +take up the dust in the hall instead of sweeping it under the mat. + +"But you promised to go on your holiday when we have ours in September," I +protested, aghast. (You will shortly understand the reason of my dismay.) +"I don't see how I can possibly manage--" + +"I'm sorry, 'm, but I _must_ take 'em then," interposed Elizabeth with a +horrid giving-notice gleam in her eye which I have learnt to dread. "You +see, my young man is 'avin' 'is 'olidays then an'--an'"--she drew up her +lank form and a look that was almost human came into her face--"'e's arsked +me to go with 'im," she finished with ineffable pride. + +I am aware that this is not an unusual arrangement amongst engaged couples +in the class to which Elizabeth belongs; nevertheless I felt it was the +moment for judicious advice, knowing how ephemeral are the love-affairs of +Elizabeth. No butterfly that flits from flower to flower could be more +elusive than her young men. Our district must swarm with this fickle type. + +"Do you think it right to go off on a holiday with a stranger?" I began +diffidently. + +"'Im! 'E isn't a stranger," broke in Elizabeth. "'E's my young man." + +"Which young man?" + +"My _new_ young man." + +"But don't you think it would be better if he were not such a new young +man--I mean, if he were an old young man--er--perhaps I ought to say you +should know him longer before you go away with him. It's not quite the +thing--" + +"Why, wot's wrong with it?" demanded Elizabeth, puzzled. "All the girls I +know spends their 'olidays with their young men, an' then it doesn't cost +them nothink. That's the best of it. But it's the first time I've ever been +arsked," she admitted, "an' I wouldn't lose a charnce like this for +anythink." + +Further appeal was useless, and with a sigh I resigned myself to the +inevitable; but when, ten days later, Elizabeth departed in a whirl of +enthusiasm and brown paper parcels I turned dejectedly to the loathsome +business of housework. + +It is a form of labour which above all others I detest. My _metier_ is to +write--one day I even hope to become a great writer. But what I never hope +to become is a culinary expert. Should you command your cook to turn out a +short story she could not suffer more in the agonies of composition than I +do in making a simple Yorkshire pudding. + +My household now passed into a condition of settled gloom. My nerves began +to suffer from the strain, and I came gradually to regard Henry as less of +a helpmate and more of a voracious monster demanding meals at too frequent +intervals. It made me peevish with him. + +He too was far from forbearing in this crisis. In fact we were getting +disillusioned with each other. + +One evening I was reflecting bitterly on matters like washing-up when Henry +came in. Only a short time before we should have greeted each other +cordially in a spirit of _camaraderie_ and affection. Now our conversation +was something like this:-- + +_Henry (gruffly)._ Hullo, no signs of dinner yet! Do you know the time? + +_Me (snappily)._ You needn't be so impatient. I expect you've gorged +yourself on a good lunch in town. Anyhow it won't take long to get dinner, +as we are having tinned soup and eggs. + +_Henry._ Oh, damn eggs. I'm sick of the sight of 'em. + +You can see for yourself how unrestrained we were getting. The thin veneer +of civilisation (thinner than ever when Henry is hungry) was fast wearing +into holes. + +The subsequent meal was eaten in silence. The hay-fever from which I am +prone to suffer at all seasons of the year was particularly persistent that +evening. A rising irritability engendered by leathery eggs and fostered by +Henry's face was taking possession of me. Quite suddenly I discovered that +the way he held his knife annoyed me. Further I was maddened by his manner +of taking soup. But I restrained myself. I merely remarked, "You have +finished your soup, I _hear_, love." + +Henry, though feeling the strain, had not quite lost his fortitude. My +hay-fever was obviously annoying him, but he only commented, "Don't you +think you ought to see a doctor about that distressing nasal complaint, my +dear?" I knew, however, that he was longing to bark out, "Can't you stop +that everlasting sniffing? It's driving me mad, woman." + +How long would it be before we reached that stage of candour? I was +brooding on this when the front-door bell rang. + +"You go," I said to Henry. + +"No, you go," he replied. "It looks bad for the man of the house to answer +the door." + +I do not know why it should look bad for a man to answer his own door, +unless he is a bad man. But there are some things in our English social +system which no one can understand. I rose and went to open the front-door. +Then my heart leapt in sudden joy. The light from the hall lamp fell on the +lank form of Elizabeth. + +"You've come back!" I exclaimed. + +"I suppose you didn't expect to see me inside of a week," she remarked. + +"I didn't; but oh, Elizabeth, I'm so glad to see you," I said as I drew her +in. Tears that strong men weep rose to my eyes, while Henry, at this moment +emerging from the study, uttered an ejaculation of joy (it sounded like +"Thank God!") at the sight of Elizabeth. + +"An' 'ow 'ave you got on while I've bin away?" she inquired, eyeing us both +closely. "Did every think go orf orl right?" + +I hesitated. How was I to confess my failures and muddling in her absence +and hope to have authority over her in future? Would she not become still +more difficult to manage if she knew how indispensable she was? I continued +to hesitate. Then Henry spoke. "We've managed admirably," he said. "Your +mistress has been wonderful. Her cooking has absolutely surprised me." + +I blessed Henry (the devil!) in that moment. "Thank you, dear," I murmured. + +Then Elizabeth spoke and there was a note of relief in her voice. "Well, +I'm reerly glad to 'ear that, as I can go off to-morrer after all. I +'aven't been for my 'oliday yet, like." + +"What do you mean?" I gasped. + +"Well, you see, 'm, my young man didn't turn up at the station, so I went +and stayed with my sister-in-law at Islington. She wants me to go with 'er +to Southend early to-morrer, but I thort as 'ow I'd better come back 'ere +first and see if you reerly could manage without me, for I 'ad my doubts. +'Owever, as everythink's goin' on orl right I can go with an easy mind." + +I remained speechless. So did Henry. Elizabeth went out again into the +darkness. There was a long pause, broken only by my hay fever. Then Henry +spoke. "Can't you stop that everlasting sniffing?" he barked out. "It's +driving me mad, woman." + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: OUR VILLAGE SOLOMON. + +_First Rustic._ "D'YE 'EAR OLD DADDY SMITH'S COTTAGE WAS BURNT DOWN LAST +NIGHT?" + +_Second Rustic (of matured wisdom)._ "I BEAN'T SURPRISED. WHEN I SEES THE +SMOKE A-COMING THROUGH THE THATCH I SEZ TO MYSELF, 'THERE'S SELDOM SMOKE +WITHOUT FIRE.'"] + + * * * * * + + "REQUIRED an English or French resident governess for children from 30 + to 45 years old, having notions of music."--_Standard (Buenos Ayres)._ + +We are glad they have picked up something during their prolonged +juvenescence. + + * * * * * + +AUTHORSHIP FOR ALL. + + [Being specimens of the work of Mr. Punch's newly-established Literary + Ghost Bureau, which supplies appropriate Press contributions on any + subject and over any signature.] + +IV.--WHAT'S WRONG WITH THE DRAMA? + +_By Marcus P. Brimston, the gifted producer of "Shoo, Charlotte!"_ + +I have been invited to say a few words to readers of _The Sabbath Scoop_ on +the alleged decay of the British drama. There is indeed some apparent truth +in this allegation. On all sides I hear managers sending up the same old +wail of dwindling box-office receipts and houses packed with ghastly rows +of deadheads. No "paper" shortage there, at any rate. + +Sometimes these unfortunate people come to me for counsel, and invariably I +give them the same admonition, "Study your public." + +There is no doubt that, with a few brilliant exceptions (among which my own +present production is happily enrolled), the playhouses have recently +struck a rather bad patch. Useless to lay the blame either on the +CHANCELLOR OF THE EXCHEQUER or on the weather. Give the playgoing public +what it wants and no consideration of National Waste or of Daylight Saving +will keep it from the theatre. + +And that brings me to my point. Whence comes the playgoing public of +to-day, and what does it want? + +From the commercial point of view (and in the long run as in the short all +art must be judged by its monetary value) the drama depends for its support +on what used to be known as the better-dressed parts of the house. +Now-a-days the majority of the paying patrons of these seats come from the +ranks of the new custodians of the nation's wealth. These people, who have +the business instinct very strongly developed, insistently and very rightly +demand value for their money; and the problem is how to give them value as +they understand the meaning of the word. My friend Mr. ARTHUR COLLINS gives +it to them in sand; but that is a shifting foundation on which to build up +a prosperous run. + +Those who, like myself, have studied closely the tastes and intelligence of +this new force that is directing the destiny of the modern theatre must +have come to the conclusion that the essential factor in dramatic success +is "punch," or, as our cross-Atlantic cousins would term it, "pep." The day +of anaemic characterisation and subtle dissection of motives is past. The +audience (or the only part that really counts) has no desire to be called +upon to think; it can afford to pay others to do its thinking for it. There +is much to be said for this point of view. The War and its effects +(especially the Excess Profits Duty) have imposed on us all far too many +and too severe mental jerks; in the theatre we may well forget that we +possess such a thing as a mind. + +As a charming and gifted little actress said to me only yesterday, "We want +something a bit meatier than the dry old bones of IBSEN'S ghosts." Well, I +am out to provide that something; my present success certainly does not +lack for flesh. + +In producing _Shoo, Charlotte!_ I have taken several hints from that +formidable young rival of the articulate stage known as the Silent Drama. +There effects are flung at the spectator's head like balls at a cocoanut; +if they fail to register a hit it is the fault of the shier, not of the +nut. My aim throughout has been to throw hard and true, so that even the +thickest nut is left in no doubt as to the actuality of the impact. _Shoo, +Charlotte!_ makes no high-sounding attempt at improving the public taste. +As the dramatic critic of _The Sabbath Scoop_ pithily remarked, it is just +"one long feast of laughter and _lingerie_," and its nightly triumph is the +only vindication it requires. + +The fundamental mistake of the British drama of to-day lies, in my humble +opinion, in its perpetual striving after the unexpected. The public, such +as I have described it, fights shy of novel situations; it isn't sure how +they ought to be taken. But give it a play where it knows exactly what is +going to happen next and you are rewarded with the delighted applause that +comes of prophecy fulfilled. The thrill or chuckle of anticipation is +succeeded by the shudder or guffaw of realisation. Father nudges Mother and +says, "Look, Emma, he's going to fall into the flour-bin." He does fall +into the flour-bin, and Father slaps his own or Mother's knee with a roar +of triumph. After all, the old dramatic formulae were not drawn up without a +profound knowledge of human nature. + +Let managers take a lesson from these few observations and they will no +longer go about seeking an answer to the riddle, "Why did the cocoanut +shy?" + + * * * * * + +THE BEST LAID SCHEMES. + + [A contemporary declares that the side-car stands unrivalled as a + matchmaker. It would seem, however, that opinion on the subject is not + unanimous.] + + We motored together, the maiden and I, + And I was delighted to take her, + For, frankly, I wanted my side-car to try + Its skill as a little matchmaker; + Though up to that time I had striven my best, + I'd more than a passing suspicion + The spark I was anxious to light in her breast + Still suffered from faulty ignition. + + We started betimes in the promptest of styles + For scenes that were rustic and quiet; + I opened the throttle; we ate up the miles + (A truly exhilarant diet); + Till sharply, as over a common we went, + Gorse-clad (or it may have been heather), + The engine stopped short with a tactful intent + To leave the young couple together. + + 'Twas instinct (I take it) directing my course + That named as my first occupation + A fruitless endeavour to track to its source + The cause of this sudden cessation; + And so I had tinkered with tools for a space + Ere I thought of my favourite poet, + And said to myself, "Lo! the time and the place + And the loved one in unison; go it." + + I might have remembered man seldom appears + Alluring in look or in manner + With a smut on his nose, oleaginous ears + And frenziedly clutching a spanner; + Though down by the cycle I fell to my knees + And ported my heart for inspection, + I only received for my passionate pleas + A curt and conclusive rejection. + + * * * * * + + "Gentlewoman, good family, small means, musical, devoted to parish + work, wishes to correspond with clergyman with view to being 'an + helpmeet for him.'"--_Church Times._ + +The _Matrimonial News_ must look to its laurels. + + * * * * * + + "The Picturedrome, ----, and ---- Cinema, have been acquired by a + London Syndicate, in which are several gentlemen."--_Provincial Paper._ + +We do not profess to know much about the film-trade, but is this so very +unusual? + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: MANNERS AND MODES. + +POST-WAR SIMPLICITY IN BATHING-GEAR.] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Urchin (outside Club)._ "I BET IT WAS THE FAULT OF 'IM ON +THE RIGHT."] + + * * * * * + +WAYS AND MEANS. + +I have read somewhere that when and/or if railway fares are increased it +will cost a man travelling with his wife and two children (the children +being half-fares) as much as twenty pounds to take third-class return +tickets to St. Ives. + +Presumably this refers to the Cornish St. Ives, and to show how serious the +problem will be for quite large families I need only refer my readers to +the well-known poetical riddle which is generally supposed to refer to the +Cornish St. Ives too. It will be seen at once that in the case of a +septuagamist going to or returning from St. Ives with his family the cost +will be vastly greater, even if no special luggage rates are leviable for +the carriage of excess cats. + +Fortunately there is a much nearer St. Ives in Huntingdonshire, and if I +was going to St. Ives at all, with or without encumbrances, I should +certainly choose that one. As a matter of fact the Huntingdonshire St. Ives +is a very pleasant place indeed, with a lot of red-and-yellow cattle +standing about, if one may take the authority of the County Card Game in +these matters. It is almost as pleasant as Luton, where there is a fellow +in a blue smock with side-whiskers and a reaping-hook, and Leicester, which +consists solely of a windmill and a house where RICHARD III. slept on the +night before the Battle of Bosworth Field. Not a word about RAMSAY +MACDONALD. + +But we are not talking about RAMSAY MACDONALD and the County Card Game; we +are talking about Sir ERIC GEDDES and his railway fares, and talking pretty +sharply too. What is to be done about this monstrous imposition? And how +are we going to show the Government that you cannot play about with ozone +as you can with margarine and coal? If only all passengers were prepared to +act in concert it would be easy enough to bring Sir ERIC to his knees. The +best and simplest plan would be for everybody to ask at the booking-office +for a half-fare, stating boldly that his or her age was exactly eleven +years and eleven months. It might not sound very convincing, of course, +even if you had a red-and-black cricket-cap on the back of your head and +covered your beard or what not with one hand; but a constant succession of +people all demanding the same thing would most certainly cause the +booking-clerk to give way. It might occur to him besides that, since so +many people insisted on giving their wrong ages for the pleasure of +fighting in war-time, they had a perfect right to do the same for the +pleasure of travelling in peace-time; and in the case of the women his +reputation for gallantry would be imperilled if he had the impudence to +doubt their word. + +But would everybody be prepared to take up this strong and reasonable line? +I doubt it, and we must turn to the consideration of other economical +devices. + +One plan which I do not honestly recommend is travelling under the seats of +the railway compartment, like _Paul Bultitude_ in _Vice Versa_. I say this +partly because the accommodation under the seats is not all that it ought +to be, and even where there is no heating apparatus a tight fit for large +families, and partly because you have to face the possibility that your +tickets may be demanded on the platform at the other end. Nor do I favour +the method invariably adopted by people in cinema plays, which is to sit on +the buffers or the roofs, or conceal yourself among the brakes or whatever +they are underneath the carriages. Unless you drop off just before the +terminus, which hurts, the same objection arises as in the under-the-seat +method; and in any case you are practically certain to be spotted not only +by the officials of the railway company concerned but with axle-grease. + +It is of course possible to travel without concealment and without a ticket +either, merely discovering with a start of surprise when you are asked for +it that you have lost the beastly thing. But this involves acting. It +involves hunting with a great appearance of energy and haste in all your +pockets, your reticule, your hatband, the turn-ups of your trousers, _The +Rescue_ (for you certainly used something as a book-marker) and finally +turning out in front of all the other passengers the whole of your +note-case, which proves that you cannot have been going to stay at the +"Magnificent" after all, and the envelopes of all the old letters which you +were taking down to the sea in the hopes of answering them there; and even +after that you have to give the name and address of somebody you don't like +(say Sir ERIC GEDDES) to satisfy the inspector. + +On the whole I think the best way is the one which I mean to adopt myself +at the earliest opportunity. Let us suppose that you are going to Brighton. +At Victoria Station you will purchase (1) a return ticket to Streatham +Common, (2) a platform ticket. The platform ticket entitles you to walk on +to the platform from which the Brighton train starts, and, when it is just +moving out and all the tickets have been looked at, you will leap on board. +This brings you to Brighton, and all you have to do there is to accost the +man who takes the tickets in a voice hoarse with fury. "Look here," you +will say, "I had an important business engagement at Streatham Common, +worth thousands and thousands of pounds to me, and one of your fool porters +told me a wrong platform at Victoria. What are you going to do about it?" +Now you might think that the porter would reply, "Come off it, Mister; you +don't kid me like that," or make some other disappointing and impolite +remark; but not a bit of it. Bluster is the thing that pays. First of all +he will apologise, and then he will fetch the station-master, and he will +apologise too, and after a bit they will offer you a special train back to +Streatham Common, probably the one the KING uses when he goes to the +seaside. But you will of course refuse to be pacified and wave it away, +saying, "Useless, absolutely useless. Now that I am in this awful hole I +shall spend the night here. But I shall certainly sue your Company for the +amount of the business that I have lost." + +That is what I mean to do, and with slight variations the ruse can be +applied to almost any non-stop run. Now that I have given the tip I shall +hope to find quite a little crowd of disappointed business men round the +station exits at holiday time when and/or if railway fares are increased. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Racing Tout (arrested the day before)._ "CAN YER TELL ME +WOT WON THE THREE-THIRTY?" + +_Magistrate_. "SILENCE!" _Tout._ "W'Y, THERE WASN'T NO SUCH 'ORSE +RUNNING."] + + * * * * * + +OUR NATURAL HISTORY COLUMN. + +_Letters to the Editor._ + +THE HYDE PARK MONUMENT. + +DEAR SIR,--The experience of the Parisian scavenger who recently discovered +a crocodile in a dustbin encourages me to write to you on a similar +subject. I note with profound dismay the proposal to turn Hyde Park into a +Zoological Garden. At least this is not an unfair deduction from the scheme +to instal a huge python in the neighbourhood of Hyde Park Corner. I do not +profess to know much about snakes, but I believe the python is a most +dangerous reptile, and I see it stated that the pythons which have just +arrived at Regent's Park are "large and vigorous, already active and +looking for food." Surely this monstrous suggestion, threatening the safety +of the peaceful frequenters of the Park, calls for a national protest. Can +it be that the PREMIER is at the back of this, as of every invasion of our +rights? + +Yours faithfully, MATERFAMILIAS. + +P.S.--My son says it is a pylon, not a python, but that only makes it +worse. + +STRANGE EXPERIENCE OF A HERMIT. + +DEAR SIR,--My grandfather, who died in the 'fifties, used to tell a story +of a hermit who lived in Savernake Forest, an extraordinarily absent-minded +man with a beard of such colossal dimensions that several of the feathered +denizens of the forest took up their abode in its recesses. This curious +phenomenon was, I believe, commemorated in verse by an early-Victorian +poet, but I have not been able after considerable research to trace the +reference. I have the honour to remain, + +Yours faithfully, ISIDORE TUFTON + + (Author of _The Growth of the Moustache Movement, The Topiary Art as + applied to Whiskers_, and the article on "Pogonotrophy" in _The + Hairdressers' Encyclopaedia_). + +PRESENCE OF MIND IN A PORBEAGLE. + +DEAR SIR,--The following verses, though not strictly relevant to the +crocodile incident, commemorate an occurrence illustrating the extent to +which piscine intelligence can be developed in favourable circumstances:-- + + "There was an unlucky porbeagle + Who was picked up at sea by an eagle; + On reaching the nest + It began to protest + On the ground that the speed was illegal." + +I am Sir, Yours faithfully, +GEORGE WASHINGTON COOK. + + * * * * * + + "Lieut.-Commander Kenworthy said it had been advocated in _The Times_. + + The Premier: I will be prepared to believe anything of _The Times_, but + really I do not tink it has ever suggested tat."--_Daily Mail_. + +Mr. LLOYD GEORGE is always ready to give _The Times_ tink-for-tat. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Guest_ (_to Fellow-Guest at garden-party who has offered to +introduce her to well-known Socialist_). "I DON'T THINK SO, THANKS. HE +LOOKS RATHER FEARSOME." + +_Fellow-Guest._ "MY DEAR, HE'S ONE OF THE FEW DECENT PEOPLE HERE--BELONGS +TO AN OLD ENGLISH LABOURING FAMILY."] + + * * * * * + +I REMEMBER, I REMEMBER. + + (_Carefully imitated from the best models, except that it has somehow + got into metre and rhyme._) + + Four-and-ninety English winters + Having flecked my hair with snows, + I am ready for the printers, + And my publishers suppose + That these random recollections + Of a mid-Victorian male, + Owing to my high connections, + Ought to have a fairish sale. + + Comrades of my giddy zenith, + Gazing back in retrospect, + I should say Lord Brixton (Kenneth) + Had the brightest intellect; + Though of course no age enfeebles + James Kircudbright's mental vim + (Now the seventh Duke of Peebles)-- + I have lots of tales of Jim. + + We were gilded youths together + In our Foreign Office days; + Used to fish and tramp the heather + At his uncle's castle, "Braes;" + I recall our wild elation + One day when we stole the hat, + At the Honduras Legation, + Of a Danish diplomat. + + James had scarcely any vices, + His career was made almost + When the Guatemalan crisis + Caused him to resign his post; + He possessed a Gordon setter + On whose treatment by a vet + I once wrote _The Times_ a letter + Which has not been published yet. + + Politics were dry and dusty, + Still they had their moods of fun, + As, for instance, when the crusty + Yet delightful Viscount Bunn + Broke into the Second Reading + Of a Church Endowment Bill + With a snore of perfect breeding + Which convulsed the Earl of Brill. + + Through my kinship with the Gortons + I was much at Widnes Square; + People of the first importance + Often came to luncheon there; + GLADSTONE, DIZZY, even older + Statesmen used to throng the hall; + PALMERSTON once touched my shoulder-- + Which one I do not recall. + + Then I went to routs and dances, + Ah, how fine they were, and how + Different from the dubious prances + That the young indulge in now; + There I first encountered Kitty, + Told the girl I was a dunce, + But implored her to have pity, + And she said she would, at once. + + Eh, well, well! I must not linger + On those glorious halcyon days; + Time with his relentless finger + Brings me to the second phase; + Politics were always creeping + Like a ghost across my view-- + I contested Market Sleeping + In the Spring of Seventy-Two. + + GLADSTONE--[No, please not. ED.] + + EVOE. + + * * * * * + + "BRIGHTON.--The ----. One minute sea, West Pier, Lawns. Gas fires in + beds."--_Advt. in Daily Paper._ + +Thanks, but we prefer a hot-water bottle. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: MORAL SUASION. + +THE RABBIT. "MY OFFENSIVE EQUIPMENT BEING PRACTICALLY _NIL_, IT REMAINS FOR +ME TO FASCINATE HIM WITH THE POWER OF MY EYE."] + + * * * * * + +ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT. + +[Illustration: THE INCOHERENTS. + +The reply of the Soviet Government to the Spa Conference was described by +Mr. LLOYD GEORGE as "incoherent; the sort of document that might be drawn +up by a committee composed of Colonel WEDGWOOD, Commander KENWORTHY, Lord +ROBERT CECIL, Mr. BOTTOMLEY and Mr. THOMAS." It is understood that these +hon. Members intend to hold an indignation meeting to discuss means--if +any--of refuting this charge.] + +_Monday, July 19th._--Opinions may differ as to the wisdom of the Peers in +reopening the DYER case, but the large audience which assembled in the +galleries, where Peeresses and Indians vied with one another in the +gorgeousness of their attire, testified to the public interest in the +debate. At first the speakers made no attempt to "hot up" their cold +porridge. In presenting General DYER'S case Lord FINLAY was strong without +rage. In rebutting it the UNDER-SECRETARY FOR INDIA proved himself a grave +and reverend SINHA, without a trace of the provocativeness displayed by his +Chief in the Commons. Not until the LORD CHANCELLOR intervened did the +temperature begin to rise. His description of the incident in the +Jullianwallah Bagh was only a little less lurid than that of Mr. MONTAGU. +The Peers would, I think, have liked a little more explanation of how an +officer who admittedly exhibited, both before and after this painful +affair, "discretion, sobriety and resolution," should be regarded as having +on this one day committed "a tragic error of judgment upon the most +conspicuous stage," and may have wondered whether, if the stage had been +less conspicuous, the critics would have been more lenient. + +[Illustration: AN ARABIAN KNIGHT AT HOME. LORD WINTERTON.] + +For as long as I can remember the French have been _partant pour la Syrie_. +Now they have got there, with a mandate from the Supreme Council, and have +come into collision with the Arabs. As we are the friends of both parties +the situation is a little awkward. Mr. ORMSBY-GORE hoped we were not going +to fight our Arab allies, and was supported by Lord WINTERTON, who saw +service with them during the War. A diplomatic speech by Mr. BONAR LAW, who +pointed out that the French were in Syria on just the same conditions as we +were in Mesopotamia, helped to keep the debate within safe limits. + +_Tuesday, July 20th._--The Lords continued the DYER debate. Lord MILNER +confessed that he had approached the subject "with a bias in favour of the +soldier," and showed how completely he had overcome it by finally talking +about "Prussian methods"--a phrase that Lord SUMNER characterised as +"facile but not convincing." Lord CURZON hoped that the Peers would not +endorse such methods, but would be guided by the example of "Clemency" +CANNING. The Lords however, by 129 to 86, passed Lord FINLAY'S motion, to +the effect that General DYER had been unjustly treated and that a dangerous +precedent had been established. + +The FIRST COMMISSIONER OF WORKS was inundated with questions about the +pylon and explained that it had been designed by Sir FRANK BAINES entirely +on his own initiative. Its submission to the Cabinet had never been +contemplated, and its exhibition in the Tea Room was due to an hon. Member, +who said that a number of people would be interested. Apparently they were. + +Asked if the scheme might be regarded as quite dead, Sir ALFRED MOND +replied that he certainly thought so. In fact, to judge by his previous +answer, it was never really alive. + +There is still anxious curiosity regarding the increase of railway fares, +but when invited to "name the day" Mr. BONAR LAW remained coy. Suggestions +for postponements in the interests of this or that class of holiday-maker +finally goaded him into asking sarcastically, "Why not until after +Christmas?" Whereupon the House loudly cheered. + +_Wednesday, July 21st._--Tactful man, Lord DESBOROUGH. In urging the +Government to call a Conference to consider the establishment of a fixed +date for Easter he supported his case with a wealth of curious information, +some of it acquired from the Prayer-book tables, as he said, "during the +less interesting sermons to which I have listened." You or I would have +said "dull" _tout court_, and in that case we should not have deserved to +receive, as Lord DESBOROUGH did, the almost enthusiastic support of the +Archbishop of CANTERBURY. + +In spite of this Lord ONSLOW, for the Government, was far from encouraging. +He quite recognised the drawbacks of the movable Easter, and agreed that it +was primarily a matter for the Churches. But he feared the Nonconformists +might dissent, and displayed a hitherto unsuspected reverence for the +opinion of the Armenians. Besides, what about the Dominions and Labour? And +with Europe in such a state of unrest ought we to throw in a new apple of +discord? With much regret the Government could not see their way, etc. +Whereupon Lord DESBOROUGH, who seems to be easily satisfied, expressed his +gratitude and withdrew his motion. + +In an expansive moment Mr. MONTAGU once referred to Mr. GANDHI as his +"friend." He did so, it appears, in the hope that the eminent agitator +would abandon his disloyal vapourings. But the friendship is now finally +sundered. Mr. GANDHI has been endeavouring to organise a boycott of the +PRINCE OF WALES' visit to India, and, as Mr. MONTAGU observed more in +sorrow than in anger, "Nobody who suggests disloyalty or discourtesy to the +Crown can be a friend of any Member of this House, let alone a Minister." + +If anyone were to take exception to the accuracy of some of the PRIME +MINISTER'S historical allusions in his post-Spa oration he would doubtless +reply, "I don't read history; I make it." He was tart with the Turks, +gratulatory to the Greeks, peevish with the Poles and gentle to the +Germans. The German CHANCELLOR and Herr VON SIMONS were described as "two +perfectly honest upright men, doing their best to cope with a gigantic +task." Their country was making a real effort to meet the indemnity; it was +not entirely responsible for the delay in trying the war-criminals, and +even in the matter of disarmament was not altogether blameworthy. The +Bolshevists also were handled more tenderly than usual. Their reply was +"incoherent" rather than "impertinent"--it might have been drawn up by a +WEDGWOOD-KENWORTHY-CECIL-BOTTOMLEY-THOMAS syndicate. Still they must not be +allowed to wipe out Poland, foolish and reckless as the Poles had been. + +A well-informed speech was made by Mr. T. SHAW, evidently destined to be +the Foreign Minister of the first Labour Cabinet. Having travelled in +Russia he has acquired a distaste for the Soviet system, both political and +industrial, and is confident that no amount of Bolshevist propaganda will +induce the British proletarian to embrace a creed under which he would be +compelled to work. + +_Thursday, July. 22nd._--The Peers held an academic discussion on the +League of Nations. Lords PARMOOR, BRYCE and HALDANE, who declared +themselves its friends, were about as cheerful as JOB'S Comforters; Lord +SYDENHAM was frankly sceptical of the success of a body that had, and could +have, no effective force behind it; and Lord CURZON was chiefly concerned +to dispel the prevalent delusion that the League is a branch of the British +Foreign Office. + +The Commons had an equally unappetising bill-of-fare, in which Ireland +figured appropriately as the _piece de resistance_. Sir JOHN REES' +well-meant endeavour to furnish some lighter refreshment by an allusion to +the Nauru islanders' habit of "broiling their brothers for breakfast" fell +a little flat. The latest news from Belfast suggests that in the expression +of brotherly love Queen's Island has little to learn from Nauru. + + * * * * * + +A SCENE AT THE CLUB. + +I never liked Buttinbridge. I considered him a vulgar and pushful fellow. +He had thrust himself into membership of my club and he had forced his +acquaintance upon me. + +I was sitting in the club smoking-room the other day when Buttinbridge came +in. His behaviour was characteristic of the man. He walked towards me and +said in a loud voice, "Cheerioh, old Sport!" + +I drew the little automatic pistol with which I had provided myself in case +of just such an emergency, took a quick aim and fired. Buttinbridge gave a +convulsive leap, fell face downwards on the hearthrug and lay quite still. +It was a beautiful shot--right in the heart. + +The room was fairly full at the moment, and at the sound of the shot +several members looked up from their newspapers. One young fellow--I fancy +he was a country member recently demobilised--who had evidently watched the +incident, exclaimed, "Pretty shot, Sir!" But two or three of the older men +frowned irritably and said, "Sh-sh-sh!" + +Seeing that it was incumbent upon me to apologise, I said, in a tone just +loud enough to be audible to all present, "I beg your pardon, gentlemen." +Then I dropped the spent cartridge into an ash-tray, returned the pistol to +my pocket and was just stretching out my hand to touch the bell when old +Withergreen, the _doyen_ of the club, interposed. + +"Pardon me," he said, "I am a little deaf, but almost simultaneously with +the fall of this member upon the hearthrug I fancied I heard the report of +a firearm. May I claim an old man's privilege and ask if I am right in +presuming a connection between the two occurrences, and, if so, whether +there has been any recent relaxation of our time-honoured rule against +assassination on the club premises?" + +Shouting into his ear-trumpet, I said, "I fired the shot, Sir, which killed +the member now lying upon the hearthrug. I did so because he addressed me +in a form of salutation which I regard as peculiarly objectionable. He +called me 'Old Sport,' an expression used by bookmakers and such." + +"Um! Old Port?" mumbled old Withergreen. + +"OLD SPORT," I shouted more loudly. Then I stepped to the writing-table, +took a dictionary from among the books of reference, found the place I +wanted and returned to the ear-trumpet. + +"I find here," I said, for the benefit of the room at large, for all were +now listening, though with some impatience, "that in calling me a '_sport_' +the deceased member called me a plaything, a diversion. If he had called me +a _sportsman_, which is here defined as 'one who hunts, fishes or fowls,' +he would have been not necessarily more accurate but certainly less +offensive." + +At this point there stood up a member whom I recognised as one of the +committee. "I am sure, Sir," he said, "that all present are agreed that you +fired in defence of the purity of English speech, and that the incident was +the outcome of an unfortunate attempt to relieve the financial +embarrassment of the club by relaxing our former rigorous exclusiveness. +Speaking as one of the committee, I have no doubt that the affair will be +dismissed as _justifiable homicide_." + +Having bowed my acknowledgments I rang the bell. When the waiter appeared I +bade him "Bring me a black coffee and then clear away the remains of Mr. +Buttinbridge." + + * * * * * + +Then I was awakened by the voice of Buttinbridge yelling, "Wake up, old +Sport!" + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Grocer._ "NOW, MY MAN, THE BUTTER YOU BROUGHT US LAST +WEEK--EVERY PACKET OF IT WEIGHED ONLY FIFTEEN OUNCES." + +_Farmer's Man._ "WELL, TO BE SURE, SIR, WE'D LOST OUR ONE-POUND WEIGHT; BUT +WE TOOK ONE OF YOUR POUND PACKETS OF TEA TO WEIGH IT WITH."] + + * * * * * + +THE PECULIAR CASE OF TOLLER. + +Toller first floated into public notice on the fame of Rodman, who by an +irony of fate is now all but forgotten. Rodman, it may be remembered, was a +promising young poet during the first decade of this century. Out of a +scandalous youth whose verses made their appearance in slim periodicals +that expired before their periodicity could be computed, he was evolving +into a reputable poet who was given a prominent position facing advertising +matter in the heavy magazines when he met with his regrettably early end. +Apart from his poems he left no literary remains, except a few letters too +hideously ungrammatical for publication. The sole materials for a biography +lay in the memory of Toller, who by a stroke of luck happened to have known +him intimately. + +By an equal piece of good fortune Toller had taken a course of mind +training and his memory was exceptionally retentive. His _Life of Rodman_ +achieved instant success, a far greater than _Rodman's Collected Works_. +The undomesticities of a poet's life naturally excite greater interest in +the cultured than his utterances on Love, Destiny and other topics on which +poets are apt to discourse. Toller, until then a struggling journalist, +became all at once a minor literary celebrity, much in demand at +conversaziones and places where they chatter. Sympathy for Rodman aroused +curiosity which only Toller could satisfy. + +His memory, continually stimulated by questions, gained further in +strength. The more he was asked the more he remembered, and so on in a +virtuous circle. His Rodmaniana provided him with a comfortable income. He +removed from Earl's Court to luxurious chambers off Jermyn Street, from +which he poured out article after article on the deceased poet. + +Then suddenly, without warning, probably from overstrain, his memory gave +way. Everything in the past, Rodman included, vanished from his mind. A +greater calamity one could not conceive. It was as though a violinist had +lost a hand, a popular preacher his voice. His livelihood was gone. Much as +his babble about Rodman had bored me I could not but feel some sorrow for +him, fallen from his little pinnacle of fame and affluence. Judge, then, of +my surprise when I passed him about a fortnight ago faultlessly dressed and +wearing an air of great prosperity. He showed of course not the smallest +recollection of me. + +"How does Toller manage to live?" I asked Cardew, who knows him better than +I do. + +"He still writes," was the reply. + +"What--without a memory?" + +"Yes, he finds it an advantage. You see, since the fusion of the old +parties and the formation of new ones, the possession of a memory is often +a source of considerable embarrassment to a leader writer. Toller now does +the political articles for a prominent morning paper. The proprietors +consider him a wonderful find." + + * * * * * + +BUCKLER'S. + +To acquire an estate is, even in these days of inflated prices and +competitive house-hunters, an easy matter compared with finding a name for +it when it is yours. It is then that the real trouble sets in. + +Take the case of my friend Buckler. + +A little while ago he purchased a property, a few acres on the very top of +a hill not too far from London and only half-a-mile from his present +habitation, and there he is now building a home. At least the plans are +done and the ground has been pegged out. "Here," he will say, quite +unmindful of the clouds emptying themselves all over us--with all an +enthusiast's disregard for others, and an enthusiast, moreover, who has his +abode close by, full of changes of raiment--"here," setting his foot firmly +in the mud, "is where the dining-room will be. Here," moving away a few +yards through the slush, "is the billiard-room." Then, pointing towards the +zenith with his stick, "Above it"--here you look up into the pitiless sky +as well as the deluge will permit--"are two spare rooms, one of which will +be yours when you come to see us." And so forth. + +He then leads the way round the place, through brake fern wetter than +waves, to indicate the position of the tennis-courts, and in course of time +you are allowed to return to the dry and spend the rest of the day in +borrowed clothes. + +Everyone knows these Kubla Khans decreeing pleasure domes and enlarging +upon them in advance of the builders, and never are they so eloquent and +unmindful of rain and discomforts as when their listeners are poor and +condemned to a squalid London existence for ever. + +But that is beside the mark. It is the naming of these new country seats +that leads to such difficulties. + +That night at dinner the question arose again. + +"As it is on the top of the hill," said a gentle wistful lady, "why not +call it 'Hill Top'? I'm sure I've seen that name before. It is expressive +and simple." + +"So simple," said Buckler, "that my nearest neighbour has already +appropriated it." + +"I suppose that would be an objection," said the lady, and we all agreed. + +"Why not," said another guest, "call it 'The Summit'? or, more concisely, +just 'Summit'?" + +"Or why not go further," said a frivolous voice, "and suggest hospitality +too--and Buckler's hospitality is notorious--by calling it 'Summit-to- +Eat'?" + +Our silence was properly contemptuous of this sally. + +"If you didn't like that you might call it 'Summit-to-Drink,'" the +frivolous voice impenitently continued. "Then you would get all the +Americans there too." + +The voice's glass having been replenished (which, I fancy, was its inner +purpose) we became serious again. + +"As it is on the top of the hill," said the first lady, "there will +probably be a view. Why not call it, for example, 'Bellevue'? 'Bellevue' is +a charming word." + +"A little French, isn't it?" someone inquired. + +"Oh, yes, it's French," she admitted. "But it's all right, isn't it? It's +quite nice French." + +We assured her that, for a French phrase, it was singularly free from +impropriety. + +"But of course," she said, "there's an Italian equivalent, 'Bella Vista.' +'Bella Vista' is delightful." + +"I passed a 'Bella Vista' in Surbiton yesterday," said the frivolous voice, +"and an errand-boy had done his worst with it with a very black lead +pencil." + +"What could he do?" the gentle lady asked wonderingly, with big violet eyes +distended. + +"It is not for me to explain," said the frivolous voice; "but the final +vowel of the first word dissatisfied him and he substituted another. The +capabilities of errand-boys with pencil or chalk should never be lost sight +of when one is choosing a name for a front gate." + +"I am all at sea," said the lady plaintively. Then she brightened. "Is +there no prominent landmark visible from the new house?" she asked. "It is +so high there must be." + +Our hostess said that by cutting down two trees it would be possible to see +Windsor Castle. + +"Oh, then, do cut them down," said the lady, "and call it 'Castle View.' +That would be perfect." + +During the panic that followed I made a suggestion. "The best name for it," +I said, "is 'Buckler's.' That is what the country people will call it, and +so you may as well forestall them and be resigned to it. Besides, it's the +right kind of name. It's the way most of the farms all over England once +were named--after their owners, and where the owner was a man of character +and force the name persisted. Call it 'Buckler's' and you will help +everyone, from the postman to the strange guest who might otherwise tour +the neighbourhood for miles searching for you long after lunch was +finished." + +"But isn't it too practical?" the first lady asked. "There's no poetry in +it." + +"No," I said, "there isn't. The poetry is in its owner. Any man who can +stand in an open field under a July rainstorm and show another man where +his bedroom is to be in a year's time is poet enough." + +E.V.L. + + * * * * * + +TO ISIS. + + Isis, beside thine ambient rill + How oft I've snuffed the Berkshire breezes, + Or, prone on some adjoining hill, + Thrown off with my accustomed skill + The weekly fytte of polished wheezes; + How oft in summer's languorous days, + With some fair creature at the pole, I + Have thrid the Cherwell's murmurous ways + And dared with lobster mayonnaise + The onslaughts of Bacillus Coli? + + Once--it was done at duty's call-- + My labouring oar explored thy reaches; + They said I was no good at all + And coaches noting me would bawl + Things about "angleworms and breeches;" + But oh! the shouts of heartfelt glee + That rang on thine astonished marges + As we bore (rolling woundily) + Full in the wake of Brasenose III. + And bumped them soundly at the barges. + + That night on Oxenford there burst + A sound of strong men at their revels, + And stroke, in vinous lore unversed, + Retired, if you must know the worst, + On feet that swam at different levels, + Nor knew till morning brought its cares + That, while the cup was freely flowing, + He'd scaled a flight of moving stairs + And commandeered his tutor's chairs + To keep the college bonfire going. + + Immortal youth it was that bound + Us twain together, beauteous river; + And, though these limbs just crawl around + That once would scarcely touch the ground, + And alcohol upsets my liver, + Still, in a punt or lithe canoe + I can revive my vernal heyday, + Pretend the sky's ethereal blue, + The golden kingcups' cheery hue, + Spell my, as well as Nature's, Mayday. + + The evening glows, the swallow skims + Between the water and the willows; + The blackbirds pipe their evening hymns, + A punt awaits at Mr. Tims' + With generous tea and lots of pillows, + And of all girls the first, the best + To play at youth with this old fossil; + Then Isis, as we glide to rest + Upon thy shadow-dappled breast, + We'll pledge thee in a generous wassail. + + ALGOL. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Mistress._ "DID EVERYTHING COME FROM THE STORES THAT I +ORDERED?" + +_Maid._ "EVERYTHINK, MUM, 'CEPT THE 'ADDICK, WHICH IS COMING ON BY ITSELF +LATER."] + + * * * * * + +ENGLAND UNBENDS. + +REPORTS FROM SPA AND SHORE. + +SCARGATE.--This famous Yorkshire Spa is now in a condition of hectic +activity and offers a plethora of attractions. A recent analysis of the +waters shows that the proportion of sapid ovaloid particles and +sulphuretted trinitrotoluene is larger than ever. Lieutenant Platt- +Stithers' stincopated anthropoid orchestra plays four times daily--in the +early morning and at noon for the relief of the water-drinkers, and in the +afternoon and evening in the rotating Jazz Hall. Special attractions this +week include cinema lectures daily on the domestic life of the Solomon +Islanders by Mr. Nicholas Ould; a recital on the Bolophone on Thursday by +Mr. Tertius Quodling, and, at the Grand Opera House, _Pope Joan_ and _The +Flip-Flappers_. On Saturday the Stridcar Golf Club will hold a series of +competitions in rational fancy dress for the benefit of the Phonetic +Spelling Association. + +FALLALMOUTH.--Visitors to this romantic resort are offered a wide field of +entertainment and moral uplift. The steamer excursions embrace trips up the +lovely river Fallal to Gongor, famous for the prehistoric remains of the +shrine of Saint Opodeldoc, and to beauty spots in the harbour like +Glumgallion, Trehenna and Pangofflin Creek. There are also excursions in +armed motor-char-a-bancs to Boscagel, Cadgerack and Flapperack. To-day +visitors can view the gardens at Poljerrick, where many super-tropical +plants, including man-eating cacti, are growing in the most unbridled +luxuriance. There is a fine sporting nine-hole golf-course on the shingle +strand at Grogwalloe, where the test of niblick play is more severe than on +any links save those of the Culbin Sands near Nairn. Among other attractive +features are the brilliant displays of aurora borealis over the Bay, which +have been arranged at considerable cost by the Corporation in conjunction +with the Meteorological Society. + +BORECAMBE.--The demand for bathing-machines and tents continues to +increase, though the shopkeepers are complaining of a decreasing spending +power on the part of the visitors and a disinclination to pay more than a +shilling a head for shrimps. The practice of dispensing with head-gear is +also much resented by local outfitters, but otherwise the situation is well +in hand. On Monday last Mr. Silas Pargeter, an old resident, caught a fine +conger-eel, weighing fifty-six pounds, which he has presented to the +Museum. As Borecambe is a good jumping-off ground for the Lake District +there are daily char-a-banc excursions to the land of WORDSWORTH and +RUSKIN, each passenger being supplied with a megaphone and a pea-shooter. + + * * * * * + +DOWN CHANNEL. + + The chime of country steeples, + The scent of gorse and musk, + The drone of sleepy breakers + Come mingled with the dusk; + A ruddy moon is rising + Like a ripe pomegranate husk. + + The coast-wise lights are wheeling + White sword-blades in the sky, + The misty hills grow dimmer, + The last lights blink and die; + Oh, land of home and beauty, + Good-bye, my dear, good-bye! + + PATLANDER. + + * * * * * + +HOW TO BE LONELY THOUGH MARRIED. + + "Lonely Officer (married, with three children) wants Sealyham Terrier + Dog."--_Times._ + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Golfer._ "LET'S SEE--WHAT'S BOGEY FOR THIS HOLE?" + +_Caddie_ (_fed up_). "DINNA FASH YERSEL' ABOOT BOGEY. YE'VE PLAYED FUFTEEN +AN' YE'RE NO DEID YET--(_aside_) WORSE LUCK."] + + * * * * * + +MY DROMEDARY. + +I see by _The Times_ that dromedaries are on sale at sixty-five pounds +apiece. + +In these days, when commodities of all kinds are so expensive, one cannot +afford to overlook bargains of whatever nature they may be. And it seems to +me that a dromedary at sixty-five pounds is really rather cheap. + +For after all sixty-five pounds to-day is little more than thirty pounds in +pre-war times. Considering their trifling cost I am surprised that more +people do not possess dromedaries. Most of my neighbours during the past +two years have built garages, but not one, so far as I am aware, has built +a dromedary-drome. + +I think I shall buy one of these attractive pets if my pass-book encourages +me. Cheaper than a motor-car and far more intelligent and responsive to +human affection, a dromedary will add distinction to my establishment and +afford pleasant occupation for my leisure. It brings no attendant annoyance +from the Inland Revenue authorities; there are no tiresome registration +fees or regulations as to the dimensions of a number-plate. + +As long as I can remember I have lived in a state of uncertainty as to +whether a dromedary has two humps and a camel one, or a camel two humps and +a dromedary one. With one of these exotic quadrupeds tethered only a few +yards away from the kitchen door that condition of doubt need not exist in +the future for more than a few moments. In a good light it should be +perfectly easy to count the humps or hump. Then again a dromedary will come +for a walk on a fine evening without involving one in a dog-fight. It will +provide quiet yet healthful exercise for the two children. If it turns out +that the type possesses two humps it will be able to convey Edgar and +Marigold at one and the same time, thus saving delay and inconvenience. + +It will be a protection to the house. When we have gone to bed the faithful +creature will lie on guard in the hall, and no amount of poisoned liver +thrust through the letter-box will assuage its ferocity or weaken its +determination to protect the hearth and home of its master against +marauders. For the dromedary is not only a strict teetotaler and non- +smoker, but a lifelong vegetarian. Famous for its browsing propensities, a +dromedary about the garden will save untold labour and expense, keeping the +lawn trimmed and the hedges clipped. And indoors its height will serve me +admirably in enabling me, while seated on its hump or one of its humps, to +attend in comfort to a little whitewashing job which will not brook further +postponement. + +I will look at my pass-book to-morrow. + + * * * * * + +FLOWERS' NAMES. + + COLT'S FOOT. + + When the four Horses of the Sun + Were little leggy things, + When they could only jump and run + And hadn't grown their wings, + The Sun-God sent them out to play + In a field one July day. + + Oh, the four Horses of the Sun + They galloped and they rolled, + They leapt into the air for fun + And felt so brave and bold; + And when they'd done their gallopings + They'd grown four splendid pairs of wings. + + The Sun-God fetched them in again + To draw his car of gold; + But you can still see very plain + Where each one leapt and rolled; + For from each hoof-mark, every one, + There sprang a little golden sun, + And that same little golden flower + People call Colt's Foot to this hour. + + * * * * * + + "The stove will stand by itself anywhere. It omits neither smoke nor + smell."--_Provincial Paper._ + +We know that stove. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Lady._ "CAN YOU SHOW ME SOMETHING SUITABLE FOR A BIRTHDAY +PRESENT FOR A GENTLEMAN?" + +_Shopwalker._ "MEN'S FURNISHING DEPARTMENT ON THE NEXT FLOOR, MADAM." + +_Lady._ "WELL, I DON'T KNOW. THE GIFT IS FOR MY HUSBAND." + +_Shopwalker._ "OH, PARDON, MADAM. BARGAIN COUNTER IN THE BASEMENT."] + + * * * * * + +OUR BOOKING-OFFICE. + +(_By Mr. Punch's Staff of Learned Clerks._) + +Not every regiment has the good luck to find for chronicler one who is not +only a distinguished soldier but a practical and experienced man of +letters. This fortune is enjoyed by _The Gold Coast Regiment_ (MURRAY) in +securing for its historian Sir HUGH CLIFFORD, K.C.M.G., from whose book you +may obtain a vivid picture of a phase of the Empire's effort about which +the average Briton has heard comparatively little. The very strenuous +compaigns of the G.C.R., the endurance and achievements of its brave and +light-hearted troops, and the heroism and fostering care of its officers, +make an inspiring story. Almost for the first time one gains some real idea +of the difficulties of the East African campaign, that prolonged tiger +hunt, in which every advantage of mobility, of choice of ground, ambush and +the like lay with the enemy; and over very tough physical obstacles, as, +for example, rivers so variable that, in the author's incisive phrase, they +"can rarely be relied upon, for very long together, either to furnish +drinking-water or to refrain from impeding transport." It is interesting to +note that Sir HUGH, while giving every credit to the remarkable personality +of the German commander, entirely demolishes the theory, so grateful to our +sentimentalists, that the absence of surrenders on the part of the enemy's +black troops was due to any devotion to VON LETTOW-VORBECK as leader; the +explanation being the characteristic German dodge of creating from the +natives a military caste so highly privileged, and consequently unpopular +with their fellows, that surrender, involving return to native civilian +life, became a practical impossibility. + + * * * * * + +Much the best part, and a good best, of _Sir Harry_ (COLLINS) is the +opening, which is not only delightful in itself but contains almost the +sole example of a chapter-long letter (of the kind usually so unconvincing +in fiction) in which I have found it possible to believe as being actually +written by one character to another. The explanation of which is that this +one is supposed to be sent to his wife by the new _Vicar of Royd_, himself +a successful novelist, on a visit of inspection to his future parish. The +efforts of _Mrs. Grant_, at home, to disentangle essential facts from the +complications of the literary manner form as pleasant and human an +introduction to a story as any I remember. The story itself is one highly +characteristic of its author, Mr. ARCHIBALD MARSHALL, both in charm and +truth to life, as also in one minor drawback, of which I have taken +occasion to speak before. Nothing could be better done than the picture of +the household at Royd Castle, the boy owner, _Sir Harry_, sheltered by the +almost too-encompassing care of the three elder inmates, mother, +grandmother and tutor. When the fictionally inevitable happens and an Eve +breaks into this protected Eden there follow some boy-and-girl love-scenes +that may perhaps remind you--and what praise could be higher?--of the +collapse of another system on the meeting of _Richard_ and _Lucy_. I will +not anticipate the end of a sympathetically told story, which I myself +should have enjoyed even more but for Mr. MARSHALL'S habit (hinted at +above) of following real life somewhat too closely in the matter of +non-progressive discussion. How I should like him to lay his next scene in +a community of Trappists! + + * * * * * + +_The Haunted Bookshop_ (CHAPMAN AND HALL) is a daring, perhaps too daring, +mixture of a browse in a second-hand bookshop and a breathless bustle among +international criminals. To estimate the accuracy of its technical details +the critic must be a secret service specialist, the mustiest of bookworms +and a highly-trained expert in the science and language of the American +advertising business. Speaking as a general practitioner, I like Mr. +CHRISTOPHER MORLEY best when he is being cinematographic; he hits a very +happy mean with his spies and his sleuths, giving a nice proportion of +skill and error, failure and success, to both. There is a strong love- +interest which will be made much of and probably spoilt by the purchasers +of the film-rights; and, though strong men will doubtless applaud hoarsely +and women will weep copiously, as the bomb in the bookshop throws the young +lovers into each other's arms, I feel that the book gives a more attractive +portrait of _Titania Chapman_, the plutocrat's daughter, than ever can be +materialised in the film-man's "close-up." I am afraid that Mr. MORLEY will +not thank me for praising his brisk melodrama at the cost of his ramblings +in literature. But, if he has the knowledge, he lacks the fragrance; not to +put too fine a point on it, he is long-winded and tends to bore in his +disquisitions upon books and bookishness; which is no proper material for a +novelist. The story is all about America and is thoroughly American; +inevitably therefore there is some ambitious word-coining. The only novelty +which sticks in my memory and earns my gratitude is the title for the +female Bolshevik, to wit, Bolshevixen. + + * * * * * + +Wayward and capricious heroines who marry young are entitled, I think, to a +certain amount of introspective treatment by their authors. Without some +knowledge of their mental working it is not very easy for the reader to +have patience with them. I was introduced to _Anne_ (HEINEMANN) when she +was fifteen, and in the act of snatching a loaf of bread from a baker's +cart and running away with it merely to annoy the baker; and, as she had +large blue eyes and two young men as self-appointed guardians, I was +prepared for a certain amount of heart trouble later on. One of these +heroes she married at the age of seventeen, and, after various innocent but +compromising vagaries (including a flight to Paris after the death of her +son in order to study art), she followed the other one, still innocently, +to Ireland, because he had been in prison and she was sorry for him. Both +these guardians discharged their duty to _Anne_ at least as well as OLGA +HARTLEY, who chronicles but does not explain; and this is a pity, for with +a rather different treatment she might have made her heroine a very +likeable person. Looked at from another point of view, _Anne_ may be taken +as a mild piece of propaganda against divorce. I am glad it didn't come to +that, of course, but I do feel that a cross-examining K.C. would have +discovered a good deal more about Anne's soul for me than I learnt from the +writer of her story. + + * * * * * + +_John Fitzhenry_ (MILLS AND BOON) is one of those pleasant stories about +people who live in big country houses, a subject that seems to have a +particular attraction for the large and ungrudging public which lives in +villas. We have already several novelists who tell them very ably, and I +feel that some one among them has served as Miss ELLA MACMAHON'S model. The +tale deals with the affairs of a showy fickle cousin and a silent constant +cousin who compete for the love of the same delightful if rather nebulous +young woman, and moves to its _denouement_, against a background of the +great War, which Miss MACMAHON has very sensibly decided to view entirely +from the home front. It contains some fine thinking and some bad writing +(the phrase telling of the middle-aged smart woman who "waved her foot +impatiently" gives a just idea of the author's occasional inability to say +what she means), some quite extraneous incidents and some scenes very well +touched in. The people, with a few exceptions, are of the race which +inhabits this sort of book, and, as we have long agreed with our novelists +that "the county" is just like that, I don't see why Miss MACMAHON should +be blamed for it. + + * * * * * + +Mr. COSMO HAMILTON lays the scene of _His Friend and His Wife_ (HURST AND +BLACKETT) in the Quaker Hill Colony of Connecticut, the members of which +were typically "nice" and took themselves very seriously. So when one of +them brought a divorce suit against her husband there was a feeling that +the colony's reputation had been irremediably besmirched. Mr. HAMILTON can +be trusted to create tense situations out of the indiscretions of an erring +couple, but he also contrives, in spite of its artificial atmosphere, to +make us believe in this society, though he tried me rather hard with a +scandalmongress of the type we happily meet less often in life than in +fiction. I hope he will not be quite so dental in his next book. I didn't +so much mind _Mrs. Hopper's_ teeth, which "flashed like an electric +advertisement," but when he made two golfers also flash "triumphant teeth" +I recoiled. + + * * * * * + +_The Golden Bird_ of Miss DOROTHY EASTON (HEINEMANN) is indeed lucky to set +out on its flight with a favouring pat from Mr. JOHN GALSWORTHY. He asserts +that these short studies of people and things in England and France are +very well done indeed; that moreover, though the short sketch may look, and +the bad short sketch may be, one of the easiest of literary feats, the good +short sketch is in fact one of the most difficult. Now who should know this +if not Mr. GALSWORTHY, and who am I that I should presume to disagree? As a +matter of fact I don't. Quite the contrary. But naturally I shall get no +credit for that. I will only add that Miss EASTON has not a majority mind, +that she sees the sad thing more easily than the gay, that I like her work +best in her more objective moods, and that, like so many writers of +perception, she finds the quintessence of England's beauty in happy Sussex. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: IN OLD VERSAILLES. + +_Mother._ "GOOD NEWS, MY SON! EVEN AS I PONDERED WHETHER I SHOULD EAT OUR +LAST CRUST THE EVER-KIND ABBE CALLED TO SAY HE HAD FOUND THEE A HIGHLY-PAID +APPOINTMENT AT COURT." + +_Son._ "YES--BUT DID HE TELL YOU IT WAS AS FOOD-TASTER TO HIS MAJESTY, WHO +DAILY EXPECTS TO BE POISONED?"] + + + + + + +End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. +159, July 28th, 1920, by Various + +*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH *** + +***** This file should be named 16619.txt or 16619.zip ***** +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: + https://www.gutenberg.org/1/6/6/1/16619/ + +Produced by Jonathan Ingram, Keith Edkins and the Online +Distributed Proofreading Team at https://www.pgdp.net + + +Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions +will be renamed. + +Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no +one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation +(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without +permission and without paying copyright royalties. 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