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+The Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 159,
+July 28th, 1920, by Various
+
+This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with
+almost no restrictions whatsoever.  You may copy it, give it away or
+re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included
+with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org
+
+
+Title: Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 159, July 28th, 1920
+
+Author: Various
+
+Release Date: August 29, 2005 [EBook #16619]
+
+Language: English
+
+Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1
+
+*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH ***
+
+
+
+
+Produced by Jonathan Ingram, Keith Edkins and the Online
+Distributed Proofreading Team at https://www.pgdp.net
+
+
+
+
+
+PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
+
+VOL. 159.
+
+
+
+July 28th, 1920.
+
+
+
+
+CHARIVARIA.
+
+"The public will not stand for increased railway fares," says a
+contemporary. They have had too much standing at the old prices.
+
+* * *
+
+A Mile End man writes to _The Daily Express_ to say that one of his ducks
+laid four eggs in one day. It seems about the most sensible thing the bird
+could have done with them.
+
+* * *
+
+As a result of the recent Tube extension, passengers can now travel from
+the Bank to Ealing in thirty-five minutes. It is further claimed that the
+route passes under some of the most beautiful scenery in England.
+
+* * *
+
+Mersey shipyard workers have made a demand on their employers for five
+pounds ten shillings a week when not working and seven pounds a week when
+working. This proposal to discriminate between the men who work and those
+who don't is condemned in more advanced trade union circles as savouring
+dangerously of capitalism.
+
+* * *
+
+"One evening at Covent Garden," says M. ABEL HERMANT in _Le Temps_, "will
+teach more correct behaviour than six months' lessons from a certified
+professor of etiquette." Opinion among the smart set is divided as to
+whether he means Covent Garden Theatre or Covent Garden Market.
+
+* * *
+
+The Bolshevists in Petrograd are finding a difficulty in the appointment of
+a public executioner. This is just the chance for a man who wants a nice
+steady job.
+
+* * *
+
+On looking up our diary we find that the MAD MULLAH is just about due to be
+killed again. We wonder if anything is being done in the matter.
+
+* * *
+
+A German merchant is anxious to get into touch with a big stamp-dealer in
+this country. Our feeling is that the POSTMASTER-GENERAL is the man he
+wants.
+
+* * *
+
+We are asked to deny the rumour that Sir PHILIP SASSOON has been appointed
+touring manager to the Peace Conference.
+
+* * *
+
+A Newbury man has succeeded in breeding pink-coated tame rats. It is said
+that the Prohibitionists hope to exterminate these, as they did the green
+ones.
+
+* * *
+
+A blunder of thirty million pounds in the estimates for British operations
+in Russia is revealed in a White Paper. It is expected that the Government
+will bequeath it to the nation.
+
+* * *
+
+Owing to the high cost of material we understand that a certain pill is
+to-day worth £1 11s. 6d. a box.
+
+* * *
+
+The Sinn Feiners now threaten to capture one of our new battleships. We
+sincerely hope that the Government will place a caretaker on board each of
+our most valuable Dreadnoughts.
+
+* * *
+
+A Lanarkshire magistrate the other day doubted whether a miner could
+remember details of an accident which happened two years ago. It is said
+that the miner had vivid recollections of the affair as it happened to be
+the day he was at work.
+
+* * *
+
+It is urged that all taxi-cabs should have a cowcatcher in front in case of
+accidents. We gather that the drivers are quite willing provided they are
+allowed to charge for anyone they pick up as an "extra."
+
+* * *
+
+It is reported that the muzzling order may come into force again in South
+Wales. We understand that a dog which thoughtlessly attempted to bark in
+Welsh in the main street of Cardiff was responsible for the belief that
+rabies had broken out again.
+
+* * *
+
+During a brass-band contest a few days ago three members of the winning
+band were taken ill just after they had finished playing. It was at first
+feared that they had overblown themselves.
+
+* * *
+
+"A true lover of nature is nowadays very hard to find," complains a writer
+in a Nature journal. Yet we know a golfer who always shouts "Fore!" on
+slicing a ball into a spinney.
+
+* * *
+
+The two African lions which escaped from the Zoo in Portugal have not yet
+been captured, and were last seen near the border-line of Switzerland. It
+is thought that they are endeavouring to walk across Europe as a reprisal
+for the flight across Africa by two Europeans.
+
+* * *
+
+The Dublin Trades Council called a one-day strike last week "to secure the
+release of Mr. JAMES LARKIN." So successful was the strike, we understand,
+that the United States authorities have decided that the presence of Mr.
+LARKIN at forthcoming celebrations of a similar character would be quite
+superfluous.
+
+* * *
+
+Speaking to an audience of miners at Morpeth Mr. RAMSAY MACDONALD said he
+dreamed of a time when the miners would govern the country. Not even the
+miners, on the other hand, would dream of letting Mr. RAMSAY MACDONALD
+govern it.
+
+* * *
+
+"Does the Government realise," asks a newspaper correspondent, "that as
+regards the situation in Ireland we are on the edge of a crater or with a
+thunderbolt over our heads?" We rather imagine that the Government, like
+the writer, isn't quite sure which.
+
+* * *
+
+Oswestry Guardians have accepted an offer to supply Bibles to tramps. This
+is the first occasion on which the current belief that the tramp class is
+nowadays being recruited largely from the ranks of the minor clergy has
+received formal recognition.
+
+* * *
+
+A bricklayer has been summoned for not sending his son to school. It
+appears that the father, finding his boy could count up to twenty and
+wishing him to follow his own occupation, thought further schooling
+unnecessary.
+
+* * *
+
+"When the country really understands the need of the Government," says an
+essayist, "we shall travel far." But not at twopence a mile, thank you.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: TRUE POLITENESS.
+
+"YOUR EEL, I THINK, SIR?"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A CRIMINAL TYPE.
+
+To-day I am MAKing aN inno6£vation. as you mayalready have gessed, I am
+typlng this article myself Zz½lnstead of writing it, The idea is to save
+time and exvBKpense, also to demonstyap demonBTrike= =damn, to demonstratO
+that I can type /ust as well as any blessedgirl 1f I give my mInd to iT""
+Typlng while you compose is realy extraoraordinarrily easy, though
+composing whilr you typE is more difficult. I rather think my typing style
+is going to be different froM my u6sual style, but Idaresay noone will mind
+that much. looking back i see that we made rather a hash of that awfuul
+wurd extraorordinnaryk? in the middle of a woRd like thaton N-e gets quite
+lost? 2hy do I keep putting questionmarks instead of fulstopSI wonder. Now
+you see i have put a fulllstop instead Of a question mark it nevvvver reins
+but it pours.
+
+the typewriter to me has always been a mustery£? and even now that I have
+gained a perfect mastery over the machine in gront of me i have npt th3
+faintest idea hoW it workss% &or instance why does the thingonthetop the
+klnd of overhead Wailway arrrangement move along one pace afterr every
+word; I haVe exam@aaa ined the mechanism from all points of view but there
+seeems to be noreason atall whyit shouould do t£is . damn that £, it keeps
+butting in: it is Just lik real life. then there are all kinds oF
+attractive devisesand levers andbuttons of which is amanvel in itself, and
+does somethI5g useful without lettin on how it does iT.
+
+Forinstance on this machinE which is A mi/et a mijge7 imean a mi/dgt, made
+of alumium,, and very light sothat you caN CARRY it about on your £olidays
+(there is that £ again) and typeout your poems onthe Moon immmmediately,
+and there is onely one lot of keys for capITals and ordinay latters; when
+you want todoa Capital you press down a special key marked cap i mean CAP
+with the lefft hand and yo7 press down the letter withthe other, like that
+abcd, no, ABCDEFG . how jolly that looks . as a mattr of fact th is takes a
+little gettingintoas all the letters on the keys are printed incapitals so
+now and then one forgets topress downthe SPecial capit al key. not often,
+though. on the other hand onceone £as got it down and has written anice nam
+e in capitals like LLOYdgeORGE IT IS VERY DIFFICULT TO REmemBER TO PUT IT
+DOWN AGAIN ANDTHE N YOU GET THIS SORT OF THING WICH SPOILS THE LOOOK OF THE
+HOLE PAGE . or els insted of preSSing down the key marked CAP onepresses
+down the key m arked FIG and then insted of LLOYDGEORGE you find that you
+have written ½½96% :394:3. this is very dissheartening and £t is no wonder
+that typists are sooften sououred in ther youth.
+
+Apart fromthat though the key marked FIG is rather fun, since you can rite
+such amusing things withit, things like % and [Symbol: face] and dear old &
+not to mention = and ¼ and ¾ and!!! i find that inones ordinarry (i never
+get that word right) cor orresponden£c one doesn't use expressions like @@
+and % % % nearly enough. typewriting gives you a new ideaof possibilities
+of the engli£h language; thE more i look at % the more beautiful it seems
+to Be: and like the simple flowers of england itis per£aps most beauti£ul
+when seeen in the masss, Look atit
+
+  % % % % % % % % % % % %
+  % % % % % % % % % % % %
+  % % % % % % % % % % % %
+  % % % % % % % % % % % %
+
+how would thatdo for a BAThrooM wallpaper? it could be produced verery
+cheaply and itcould be calld the CHER RYdesigN damn, imeant to put all that
+in capitals. iam afraid this articleis spoilt now but butt bUt curse . But
+perhaps the most excitingthing a£out this mac£ine is that you can by
+presssing alittle switch suddenly writein redor green instead of in black;
+I donvt understanh how £t is done butit is very jollY? busisisness men us e
+the device a gre t deal wen writing to their membersof PARLIAment, in order
+to emphasasise the pointin wich the£r in£ustice is worSe than anyone elses
+in£ustice . wen they come to WE ARE RUINED they burst out into red and wen
+they come to WE w WOULD remIND YOU tHAT ATtHE LAST E£ECTION yoU UNDERTOOk
+they burst into GReeN. thei r typists must enjoy doing those letters. with
+this arrang ment of corse one coul d do allkinds of capital wallpapers. for
+|nstance wat about a scheme of red £'s and black %'s and gReen &'s? this
+sort of thing
+
+  £ % £ % £ % £ % £ %
+  & £ & £ & £ & £ & £
+  £ % £ % £ % £ % £ %
+  & £ & £ & £ & £ & £
+
+Manya poor man would be glad to £ave that in his parLour ratherthan wat he
+has got now. of corse, you wont be ab?e to apreciate the fulll bauty of the
+design since i underst and that the retched paper which is going to print
+this has no redink and no green inq either; so you must £ust immagine that
+the £'s are red and the &'s are green. it is extroarordinarry (wat a t
+erribleword!!!) how backward in MAny waYs these uptodate papers are
+wwww¼¼¼¼¼¼½=¾ now how did that happen i wond er; i was experimenting with
+the BACK SPACE key; if that is wat it is for i dont thinq i shall use it
+again. iI wonder if i am impriving at this½ sometimes i thinq i am and so
+metimes i thinq iam not . we have not had so many £'s lately but i notice
+that theere have been one or two misplaced q's & icannot remember to write
+i in capital s there it goes again.
+
+Of curse the typewriter itself is not wolly giltless ½ike all mac&ines it
+has amind of it sown and is of like passsions with ourselves. i could put
+that into greek if only the machine was not so hopelessly MOdern. it 's
+chief failing is that it cannot write m'sdecently and instead of h it will
+keep putting that confounded £. as amatter of fact ithas been doing m's
+rather better today butthat is only its cusssedussedness and because i have
+been opening my shoul ders wenever we have come to an m; or should it be A
+m? who can tell; little peculiuliarities like making indifferent m's are
+very important & w£en one is bying a typewiter one s£ould make careful
+enquiries about themc; because it is things of that sort wich so often give
+criminals away. there is notHing a detective likes so much as a type riter
+with an idiosxz an idioynq damit an idiotyncrasy . for instance if i commit
+a murder i s£ould not thinq of writing a litter about it with this of all
+typewriters becusa because that fool ofa £ would give me away at once I
+daresay scotland Yard have got specimens of my trypewriting locked up in
+some pigeonhole allready. if they £avent they ought to; it ought to be part
+of my dosossier.
+
+i thing the place of the hypewriter in ART is inshufficiently apreciated.
+Modern art i understand is chiefly sumbolical expression and straigt lines.
+a typwritr can do strait lines with the under lining mark) and there are
+few more atractive symbols thaN the symbols i have used in this articel; i
+merely thro out the sugestion
+
+I dont tkink i shal do many more articles like this it is tooo much like
+work? but I am glad I have got out of that £ habit;
+
+A.P.£.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "PRISON FOR FLAT LANDLORDS."--_Evening Paper._
+
+Good. But is nothing going to be done about the landlords with round
+figures?
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "With favourable weather, Thatcham can look forward to a pre-war show
+    this year."--_Local Paper._
+
+Apparently Thatcham carries its eyes in the back of its head.
+
+[Illustration: A SEA-VIEW OF THE SITUATION.
+
+INDIGNANT LODGING-HOUSE KEEPER. "AND TO THINK OF THAT THERE ERIC WANTING TO
+SQUEEZE THE POOR HOLIDAY-MAKERS BEFORE I GETS AT 'EM."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Outraged Batsman._ "JARGE, OI DO BELIEVE YOU'M BOWLIN'
+DELIBERATE AT MOI GAMMY LEG."
+
+_Jarge (feeling that something ought to be said)._ "WHY, WILLYUM, OI
+THOUGHT THEY WAS BOTH GAMMY."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+ELIZABETH GOES ON HOLIDAY.
+
+"Please, 'm, may I go for my 'olidays a week come Thursday?" asked
+Elizabeth. She was evidently labouring under some strong excitement, for
+she panted as she spoke and so far forgot herself in her agitation as to
+take up the dust in the hall instead of sweeping it under the mat.
+
+"But you promised to go on your holiday when we have ours in September," I
+protested, aghast. (You will shortly understand the reason of my dismay.)
+"I don't see how I can possibly manage--"
+
+"I'm sorry, 'm, but I _must_ take 'em then," interposed Elizabeth with a
+horrid giving-notice gleam in her eye which I have learnt to dread. "You
+see, my young man is 'avin' 'is 'olidays then an'--an'"--she drew up her
+lank form and a look that was almost human came into her face--"'e's arsked
+me to go with 'im," she finished with ineffable pride.
+
+I am aware that this is not an unusual arrangement amongst engaged couples
+in the class to which Elizabeth belongs; nevertheless I felt it was the
+moment for judicious advice, knowing how ephemeral are the love-affairs of
+Elizabeth. No butterfly that flits from flower to flower could be more
+elusive than her young men. Our district must swarm with this fickle type.
+
+"Do you think it right to go off on a holiday with a stranger?" I began
+diffidently.
+
+"'Im! 'E isn't a stranger," broke in Elizabeth. "'E's my young man."
+
+"Which young man?"
+
+"My _new_ young man."
+
+"But don't you think it would be better if he were not such a new young
+man--I mean, if he were an old young man--er--perhaps I ought to say you
+should know him longer before you go away with him. It's not quite the
+thing--"
+
+"Why, wot's wrong with it?" demanded Elizabeth, puzzled. "All the girls I
+know spends their 'olidays with their young men, an' then it doesn't cost
+them nothink. That's the best of it. But it's the first time I've ever been
+arsked," she admitted, "an' I wouldn't lose a charnce like this for
+anythink."
+
+Further appeal was useless, and with a sigh I resigned myself to the
+inevitable; but when, ten days later, Elizabeth departed in a whirl of
+enthusiasm and brown paper parcels I turned dejectedly to the loathsome
+business of housework.
+
+It is a form of labour which above all others I detest. My _métier_ is to
+write--one day I even hope to become a great writer. But what I never hope
+to become is a culinary expert. Should you command your cook to turn out a
+short story she could not suffer more in the agonies of composition than I
+do in making a simple Yorkshire pudding.
+
+My household now passed into a condition of settled gloom. My nerves began
+to suffer from the strain, and I came gradually to regard Henry as less of
+a helpmate and more of a voracious monster demanding meals at too frequent
+intervals. It made me peevish with him.
+
+He too was far from forbearing in this crisis. In fact we were getting
+disillusioned with each other.
+
+One evening I was reflecting bitterly on matters like washing-up when Henry
+came in. Only a short time before we should have greeted each other
+cordially in a spirit of _camaraderie_ and affection. Now our conversation
+was something like this:--
+
+_Henry (gruffly)._ Hullo, no signs of dinner yet! Do you know the time?
+
+_Me (snappily)._ You needn't be so impatient. I expect you've gorged
+yourself on a good lunch in town. Anyhow it won't take long to get dinner,
+as we are having tinned soup and eggs.
+
+_Henry._ Oh, damn eggs. I'm sick of the sight of 'em.
+
+You can see for yourself how unrestrained we were getting. The thin veneer
+of civilisation (thinner than ever when Henry is hungry) was fast wearing
+into holes.
+
+The subsequent meal was eaten in silence. The hay-fever from which I am
+prone to suffer at all seasons of the year was particularly persistent that
+evening. A rising irritability engendered by leathery eggs and fostered by
+Henry's face was taking possession of me. Quite suddenly I discovered that
+the way he held his knife annoyed me. Further I was maddened by his manner
+of taking soup. But I restrained myself. I merely remarked, "You have
+finished your soup, I _hear_, love."
+
+Henry, though feeling the strain, had not quite lost his fortitude. My
+hay-fever was obviously annoying him, but he only commented, "Don't you
+think you ought to see a doctor about that distressing nasal complaint, my
+dear?" I knew, however, that he was longing to bark out, "Can't you stop
+that everlasting sniffing? It's driving me mad, woman."
+
+How long would it be before we reached that stage of candour? I was
+brooding on this when the front-door bell rang.
+
+"You go," I said to Henry.
+
+"No, you go," he replied. "It looks bad for the man of the house to answer
+the door."
+
+I do not know why it should look bad for a man to answer his own door,
+unless he is a bad man. But there are some things in our English social
+system which no one can understand. I rose and went to open the front-door.
+Then my heart leapt in sudden joy. The light from the hall lamp fell on the
+lank form of Elizabeth.
+
+"You've come back!" I exclaimed.
+
+"I suppose you didn't expect to see me inside of a week," she remarked.
+
+"I didn't; but oh, Elizabeth, I'm so glad to see you," I said as I drew her
+in. Tears that strong men weep rose to my eyes, while Henry, at this moment
+emerging from the study, uttered an ejaculation of joy (it sounded like
+"Thank God!") at the sight of Elizabeth.
+
+"An' 'ow 'ave you got on while I've bin away?" she inquired, eyeing us both
+closely. "Did every think go orf orl right?"
+
+I hesitated. How was I to confess my failures and muddling in her absence
+and hope to have authority over her in future? Would she not become still
+more difficult to manage if she knew how indispensable she was? I continued
+to hesitate. Then Henry spoke. "We've managed admirably," he said. "Your
+mistress has been wonderful. Her cooking has absolutely surprised me."
+
+I blessed Henry (the devil!) in that moment. "Thank you, dear," I murmured.
+
+Then Elizabeth spoke and there was a note of relief in her voice. "Well,
+I'm reerly glad to 'ear that, as I can go off to-morrer after all. I
+'aven't been for my 'oliday yet, like."
+
+"What do you mean?" I gasped.
+
+"Well, you see, 'm, my young man didn't turn up at the station, so I went
+and stayed with my sister-in-law at Islington. She wants me to go with 'er
+to Southend early to-morrer, but I thort as 'ow I'd better come back 'ere
+first and see if you reerly could manage without me, for I 'ad my doubts.
+'Owever, as everythink's goin' on orl right I can go with an easy mind."
+
+I remained speechless. So did Henry. Elizabeth went out again into the
+darkness. There was a long pause, broken only by my hay fever. Then Henry
+spoke. "Can't you stop that everlasting sniffing?" he barked out. "It's
+driving me mad, woman."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: OUR VILLAGE SOLOMON.
+
+_First Rustic._ "D'YE 'EAR OLD DADDY SMITH'S COTTAGE WAS BURNT DOWN LAST
+NIGHT?"
+
+_Second Rustic (of matured wisdom)._ "I BEAN'T SURPRISED. WHEN I SEES THE
+SMOKE A-COMING THROUGH THE THATCH I SEZ TO MYSELF, 'THERE'S SELDOM SMOKE
+WITHOUT FIRE.'"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "REQUIRED an English or French resident governess for children from 30
+    to 45 years old, having notions of music."--_Standard (Buenos Ayres)._
+
+We are glad they have picked up something during their prolonged
+juvenescence.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+AUTHORSHIP FOR ALL.
+
+    [Being specimens of the work of Mr. Punch's newly-established Literary
+    Ghost Bureau, which supplies appropriate Press contributions on any
+    subject and over any signature.]
+
+IV.--WHAT'S WRONG WITH THE DRAMA?
+
+_By Marcus P. Brimston, the gifted producer of "Shoo, Charlotte!"_
+
+I have been invited to say a few words to readers of _The Sabbath Scoop_ on
+the alleged decay of the British drama. There is indeed some apparent truth
+in this allegation. On all sides I hear managers sending up the same old
+wail of dwindling box-office receipts and houses packed with ghastly rows
+of deadheads. No "paper" shortage there, at any rate.
+
+Sometimes these unfortunate people come to me for counsel, and invariably I
+give them the same admonition, "Study your public."
+
+There is no doubt that, with a few brilliant exceptions (among which my own
+present production is happily enrolled), the playhouses have recently
+struck a rather bad patch. Useless to lay the blame either on the
+CHANCELLOR OF THE EXCHEQUER or on the weather. Give the playgoing public
+what it wants and no consideration of National Waste or of Daylight Saving
+will keep it from the theatre.
+
+And that brings me to my point. Whence comes the playgoing public of
+to-day, and what does it want?
+
+From the commercial point of view (and in the long run as in the short all
+art must be judged by its monetary value) the drama depends for its support
+on what used to be known as the better-dressed parts of the house.
+Now-a-days the majority of the paying patrons of these seats come from the
+ranks of the new custodians of the nation's wealth. These people, who have
+the business instinct very strongly developed, insistently and very rightly
+demand value for their money; and the problem is how to give them value as
+they understand the meaning of the word. My friend Mr. ARTHUR COLLINS gives
+it to them in sand; but that is a shifting foundation on which to build up
+a prosperous run.
+
+Those who, like myself, have studied closely the tastes and intelligence of
+this new force that is directing the destiny of the modern theatre must
+have come to the conclusion that the essential factor in dramatic success
+is "punch," or, as our cross-Atlantic cousins would term it, "pep." The day
+of anæmic characterisation and subtle dissection of motives is past. The
+audience (or the only part that really counts) has no desire to be called
+upon to think; it can afford to pay others to do its thinking for it. There
+is much to be said for this point of view. The War and its effects
+(especially the Excess Profits Duty) have imposed on us all far too many
+and too severe mental jerks; in the theatre we may well forget that we
+possess such a thing as a mind.
+
+As a charming and gifted little actress said to me only yesterday, "We want
+something a bit meatier than the dry old bones of IBSEN'S ghosts." Well, I
+am out to provide that something; my present success certainly does not
+lack for flesh.
+
+In producing _Shoo, Charlotte!_ I have taken several hints from that
+formidable young rival of the articulate stage known as the Silent Drama.
+There effects are flung at the spectator's head like balls at a cocoanut;
+if they fail to register a hit it is the fault of the shier, not of the
+nut. My aim throughout has been to throw hard and true, so that even the
+thickest nut is left in no doubt as to the actuality of the impact. _Shoo,
+Charlotte!_ makes no high-sounding attempt at improving the public taste.
+As the dramatic critic of _The Sabbath Scoop_ pithily remarked, it is just
+"one long feast of laughter and _lingerie_," and its nightly triumph is the
+only vindication it requires.
+
+The fundamental mistake of the British drama of to-day lies, in my humble
+opinion, in its perpetual striving after the unexpected. The public, such
+as I have described it, fights shy of novel situations; it isn't sure how
+they ought to be taken. But give it a play where it knows exactly what is
+going to happen next and you are rewarded with the delighted applause that
+comes of prophecy fulfilled. The thrill or chuckle of anticipation is
+succeeded by the shudder or guffaw of realisation. Father nudges Mother and
+says, "Look, Emma, he's going to fall into the flour-bin." He does fall
+into the flour-bin, and Father slaps his own or Mother's knee with a roar
+of triumph. After all, the old dramatic formulæ were not drawn up without a
+profound knowledge of human nature.
+
+Let managers take a lesson from these few observations and they will no
+longer go about seeking an answer to the riddle, "Why did the cocoanut
+shy?"
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE BEST LAID SCHEMES.
+
+    [A contemporary declares that the side-car stands unrivalled as a
+    matchmaker. It would seem, however, that opinion on the subject is not
+    unanimous.]
+
+  We motored together, the maiden and I,
+    And I was delighted to take her,
+  For, frankly, I wanted my side-car to try
+    Its skill as a little matchmaker;
+  Though up to that time I had striven my best,
+    I'd more than a passing suspicion
+  The spark I was anxious to light in her breast
+    Still suffered from faulty ignition.
+
+  We started betimes in the promptest of styles
+    For scenes that were rustic and quiet;
+  I opened the throttle; we ate up the miles
+    (A truly exhilarant diet);
+  Till sharply, as over a common we went,
+    Gorse-clad (or it may have been heather),
+  The engine stopped short with a tactful intent
+    To leave the young couple together.
+
+  'Twas instinct (I take it) directing my course
+    That named as my first occupation
+  A fruitless endeavour to track to its source
+    The cause of this sudden cessation;
+  And so I had tinkered with tools for a space
+    Ere I thought of my favourite poet,
+  And said to myself, "Lo! the time and the place
+    And the loved one in unison; go it."
+
+  I might have remembered man seldom appears
+    Alluring in look or in manner
+  With a smut on his nose, oleaginous ears
+    And frenziedly clutching a spanner;
+  Though down by the cycle I fell to my knees
+    And ported my heart for inspection,
+  I only received for my passionate pleas
+    A curt and conclusive rejection.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "Gentlewoman, good family, small means, musical, devoted to parish
+    work, wishes to correspond with clergyman with view to being 'an
+    helpmeet for him.'"--_Church Times._
+
+The _Matrimonial News_ must look to its laurels.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "The Picturedrome, ----, and ---- Cinema, have been acquired by a
+    London Syndicate, in which are several gentlemen."--_Provincial Paper._
+
+We do not profess to know much about the film-trade, but is this so very
+unusual?
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: MANNERS AND MODES.
+
+POST-WAR SIMPLICITY IN BATHING-GEAR.]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Urchin (outside Club)._ "I BET IT WAS THE FAULT OF 'IM ON
+THE RIGHT."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+WAYS AND MEANS.
+
+I have read somewhere that when and/or if railway fares are increased it
+will cost a man travelling with his wife and two children (the children
+being half-fares) as much as twenty pounds to take third-class return
+tickets to St. Ives.
+
+Presumably this refers to the Cornish St. Ives, and to show how serious the
+problem will be for quite large families I need only refer my readers to
+the well-known poetical riddle which is generally supposed to refer to the
+Cornish St. Ives too. It will be seen at once that in the case of a
+septuagamist going to or returning from St. Ives with his family the cost
+will be vastly greater, even if no special luggage rates are leviable for
+the carriage of excess cats.
+
+Fortunately there is a much nearer St. Ives in Huntingdonshire, and if I
+was going to St. Ives at all, with or without encumbrances, I should
+certainly choose that one. As a matter of fact the Huntingdonshire St. Ives
+is a very pleasant place indeed, with a lot of red-and-yellow cattle
+standing about, if one may take the authority of the County Card Game in
+these matters. It is almost as pleasant as Luton, where there is a fellow
+in a blue smock with side-whiskers and a reaping-hook, and Leicester, which
+consists solely of a windmill and a house where RICHARD III. slept on the
+night before the Battle of Bosworth Field. Not a word about RAMSAY
+MACDONALD.
+
+But we are not talking about RAMSAY MACDONALD and the County Card Game; we
+are talking about Sir ERIC GEDDES and his railway fares, and talking pretty
+sharply too. What is to be done about this monstrous imposition? And how
+are we going to show the Government that you cannot play about with ozone
+as you can with margarine and coal? If only all passengers were prepared to
+act in concert it would be easy enough to bring Sir ERIC to his knees. The
+best and simplest plan would be for everybody to ask at the booking-office
+for a half-fare, stating boldly that his or her age was exactly eleven
+years and eleven months. It might not sound very convincing, of course,
+even if you had a red-and-black cricket-cap on the back of your head and
+covered your beard or what not with one hand; but a constant succession of
+people all demanding the same thing would most certainly cause the
+booking-clerk to give way. It might occur to him besides that, since so
+many people insisted on giving their wrong ages for the pleasure of
+fighting in war-time, they had a perfect right to do the same for the
+pleasure of travelling in peace-time; and in the case of the women his
+reputation for gallantry would be imperilled if he had the impudence to
+doubt their word.
+
+But would everybody be prepared to take up this strong and reasonable line?
+I doubt it, and we must turn to the consideration of other economical
+devices.
+
+One plan which I do not honestly recommend is travelling under the seats of
+the railway compartment, like _Paul Bultitude_ in _Vice Versa_. I say this
+partly because the accommodation under the seats is not all that it ought
+to be, and even where there is no heating apparatus a tight fit for large
+families, and partly because you have to face the possibility that your
+tickets may be demanded on the platform at the other end. Nor do I favour
+the method invariably adopted by people in cinema plays, which is to sit on
+the buffers or the roofs, or conceal yourself among the brakes or whatever
+they are underneath the carriages. Unless you drop off just before the
+terminus, which hurts, the same objection arises as in the under-the-seat
+method; and in any case you are practically certain to be spotted not only
+by the officials of the railway company concerned but with axle-grease.
+
+It is of course possible to travel without concealment and without a ticket
+either, merely discovering with a start of surprise when you are asked for
+it that you have lost the beastly thing. But this involves acting. It
+involves hunting with a great appearance of energy and haste in all your
+pockets, your reticule, your hatband, the turn-ups of your trousers, _The
+Rescue_ (for you certainly used something as a book-marker) and finally
+turning out in front of all the other passengers the whole of your
+note-case, which proves that you cannot have been going to stay at the
+"Magnificent" after all, and the envelopes of all the old letters which you
+were taking down to the sea in the hopes of answering them there; and even
+after that you have to give the name and address of somebody you don't like
+(say Sir ERIC GEDDES) to satisfy the inspector.
+
+On the whole I think the best way is the one which I mean to adopt myself
+at the earliest opportunity. Let us suppose that you are going to Brighton.
+At Victoria Station you will purchase (1) a return ticket to Streatham
+Common, (2) a platform ticket. The platform ticket entitles you to walk on
+to the platform from which the Brighton train starts, and, when it is just
+moving out and all the tickets have been looked at, you will leap on board.
+This brings you to Brighton, and all you have to do there is to accost the
+man who takes the tickets in a voice hoarse with fury. "Look here," you
+will say, "I had an important business engagement at Streatham Common,
+worth thousands and thousands of pounds to me, and one of your fool porters
+told me a wrong platform at Victoria. What are you going to do about it?"
+Now you might think that the porter would reply, "Come off it, Mister; you
+don't kid me like that," or make some other disappointing and impolite
+remark; but not a bit of it. Bluster is the thing that pays. First of all
+he will apologise, and then he will fetch the station-master, and he will
+apologise too, and after a bit they will offer you a special train back to
+Streatham Common, probably the one the KING uses when he goes to the
+seaside. But you will of course refuse to be pacified and wave it away,
+saying, "Useless, absolutely useless. Now that I am in this awful hole I
+shall spend the night here. But I shall certainly sue your Company for the
+amount of the business that I have lost."
+
+That is what I mean to do, and with slight variations the ruse can be
+applied to almost any non-stop run. Now that I have given the tip I shall
+hope to find quite a little crowd of disappointed business men round the
+station exits at holiday time when and/or if railway fares are increased.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Racing Tout (arrested the day before)._ "CAN YER TELL ME
+WOT WON THE THREE-THIRTY?"
+
+_Magistrate_. "SILENCE!" _Tout._ "W'Y, THERE WASN'T NO SUCH 'ORSE
+RUNNING."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+OUR NATURAL HISTORY COLUMN.
+
+_Letters to the Editor._
+
+THE HYDE PARK MONUMENT.
+
+DEAR SIR,--The experience of the Parisian scavenger who recently discovered
+a crocodile in a dustbin encourages me to write to you on a similar
+subject. I note with profound dismay the proposal to turn Hyde Park into a
+Zoological Garden. At least this is not an unfair deduction from the scheme
+to instal a huge python in the neighbourhood of Hyde Park Corner. I do not
+profess to know much about snakes, but I believe the python is a most
+dangerous reptile, and I see it stated that the pythons which have just
+arrived at Regent's Park are "large and vigorous, already active and
+looking for food." Surely this monstrous suggestion, threatening the safety
+of the peaceful frequenters of the Park, calls for a national protest. Can
+it be that the PREMIER is at the back of this, as of every invasion of our
+rights?
+
+Yours faithfully, MATERFAMILIAS.
+
+P.S.--My son says it is a pylon, not a python, but that only makes it
+worse.
+
+STRANGE EXPERIENCE OF A HERMIT.
+
+DEAR SIR,--My grandfather, who died in the 'fifties, used to tell a story
+of a hermit who lived in Savernake Forest, an extraordinarily absent-minded
+man with a beard of such colossal dimensions that several of the feathered
+denizens of the forest took up their abode in its recesses. This curious
+phenomenon was, I believe, commemorated in verse by an early-Victorian
+poet, but I have not been able after considerable research to trace the
+reference. I have the honour to remain,
+
+Yours faithfully, ISIDORE TUFTON
+
+    (Author of _The Growth of the Moustache Movement, The Topiary Art as
+    applied to Whiskers_, and the article on "Pogonotrophy" in _The
+    Hairdressers' Encyclopædia_).
+
+PRESENCE OF MIND IN A PORBEAGLE.
+
+DEAR SIR,--The following verses, though not strictly relevant to the
+crocodile incident, commemorate an occurrence illustrating the extent to
+which piscine intelligence can be developed in favourable circumstances:--
+
+  "There was an unlucky porbeagle
+  Who was picked up at sea by an eagle;
+      On reaching the nest
+      It began to protest
+  On the ground that the speed was illegal."
+
+I am Sir, Yours faithfully,
+GEORGE WASHINGTON COOK.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "Lieut.-Commander Kenworthy said it had been advocated in _The Times_.
+
+    The Premier: I will be prepared to believe anything of _The Times_, but
+    really I do not tink it has ever suggested tat."--_Daily Mail_.
+
+Mr. LLOYD GEORGE is always ready to give _The Times_ tink-for-tat.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Guest_ (_to Fellow-Guest at garden-party who has offered to
+introduce her to well-known Socialist_). "I DON'T THINK SO, THANKS. HE
+LOOKS RATHER FEARSOME."
+
+_Fellow-Guest._ "MY DEAR, HE'S ONE OF THE FEW DECENT PEOPLE HERE--BELONGS
+TO AN OLD ENGLISH LABOURING FAMILY."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+I REMEMBER, I REMEMBER.
+
+    (_Carefully imitated from the best models, except that it has somehow
+    got into metre and rhyme._)
+
+  Four-and-ninety English winters
+    Having flecked my hair with snows,
+  I am ready for the printers,
+    And my publishers suppose
+  That these random recollections
+    Of a mid-Victorian male,
+  Owing to my high connections,
+    Ought to have a fairish sale.
+
+  Comrades of my giddy zenith,
+    Gazing back in retrospect,
+  I should say Lord Brixton (Kenneth)
+    Had the brightest intellect;
+  Though of course no age enfeebles
+    James Kircudbright's mental vim
+  (Now the seventh Duke of Peebles)--
+    I have lots of tales of Jim.
+
+  We were gilded youths together
+    In our Foreign Office days;
+  Used to fish and tramp the heather
+    At his uncle's castle, "Braes;"
+  I recall our wild elation
+    One day when we stole the hat,
+  At the Honduras Legation,
+    Of a Danish diplomat.
+
+  James had scarcely any vices,
+    His career was made almost
+  When the Guatemalan crisis
+    Caused him to resign his post;
+  He possessed a Gordon setter
+    On whose treatment by a vet
+  I once wrote _The Times_ a letter
+    Which has not been published yet.
+
+  Politics were dry and dusty,
+    Still they had their moods of fun,
+  As, for instance, when the crusty
+    Yet delightful Viscount Bunn
+  Broke into the Second Reading
+    Of a Church Endowment Bill
+  With a snore of perfect breeding
+    Which convulsed the Earl of Brill.
+
+  Through my kinship with the Gortons
+    I was much at Widnes Square;
+  People of the first importance
+    Often came to luncheon there;
+  GLADSTONE, DIZZY, even older
+    Statesmen used to throng the hall;
+  PALMERSTON once touched my shoulder--
+    Which one I do not recall.
+
+  Then I went to routs and dances,
+    Ah, how fine they were, and how
+  Different from the dubious prances
+    That the young indulge in now;
+  There I first encountered Kitty,
+    Told the girl I was a dunce,
+  But implored her to have pity,
+    And she said she would, at once.
+
+  Eh, well, well! I must not linger
+    On those glorious halcyon days;
+  Time with his relentless finger
+    Brings me to the second phase;
+  Politics were always creeping
+    Like a ghost across my view--
+  I contested Market Sleeping
+    In the Spring of Seventy-Two.
+
+  GLADSTONE--[No, please not. ED.]
+
+  EVOE.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "BRIGHTON.--The ----. One minute sea, West Pier, Lawns. Gas fires in
+    beds."--_Advt. in Daily Paper._
+
+Thanks, but we prefer a hot-water bottle.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: MORAL SUASION.
+
+THE RABBIT. "MY OFFENSIVE EQUIPMENT BEING PRACTICALLY _NIL_, IT REMAINS FOR
+ME TO FASCINATE HIM WITH THE POWER OF MY EYE."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT.
+
+[Illustration: THE INCOHERENTS.
+
+The reply of the Soviet Government to the Spa Conference was described by
+Mr. LLOYD GEORGE as "incoherent; the sort of document that might be drawn
+up by a committee composed of Colonel WEDGWOOD, Commander KENWORTHY, Lord
+ROBERT CECIL, Mr. BOTTOMLEY and Mr. THOMAS." It is understood that these
+hon. Members intend to hold an indignation meeting to discuss means--if
+any--of refuting this charge.]
+
+_Monday, July 19th._--Opinions may differ as to the wisdom of the Peers in
+reopening the DYER case, but the large audience which assembled in the
+galleries, where Peeresses and Indians vied with one another in the
+gorgeousness of their attire, testified to the public interest in the
+debate. At first the speakers made no attempt to "hot up" their cold
+porridge. In presenting General DYER'S case Lord FINLAY was strong without
+rage. In rebutting it the UNDER-SECRETARY FOR INDIA proved himself a grave
+and reverend SINHA, without a trace of the provocativeness displayed by his
+Chief in the Commons. Not until the LORD CHANCELLOR intervened did the
+temperature begin to rise. His description of the incident in the
+Jullianwallah Bagh was only a little less lurid than that of Mr. MONTAGU.
+The Peers would, I think, have liked a little more explanation of how an
+officer who admittedly exhibited, both before and after this painful
+affair, "discretion, sobriety and resolution," should be regarded as having
+on this one day committed "a tragic error of judgment upon the most
+conspicuous stage," and may have wondered whether, if the stage had been
+less conspicuous, the critics would have been more lenient.
+
+[Illustration: AN ARABIAN KNIGHT AT HOME. LORD WINTERTON.]
+
+For as long as I can remember the French have been _partant pour la Syrie_.
+Now they have got there, with a mandate from the Supreme Council, and have
+come into collision with the Arabs. As we are the friends of both parties
+the situation is a little awkward. Mr. ORMSBY-GORE hoped we were not going
+to fight our Arab allies, and was supported by Lord WINTERTON, who saw
+service with them during the War. A diplomatic speech by Mr. BONAR LAW, who
+pointed out that the French were in Syria on just the same conditions as we
+were in Mesopotamia, helped to keep the debate within safe limits.
+
+_Tuesday, July 20th._--The Lords continued the DYER debate. Lord MILNER
+confessed that he had approached the subject "with a bias in favour of the
+soldier," and showed how completely he had overcome it by finally talking
+about "Prussian methods"--a phrase that Lord SUMNER characterised as
+"facile but not convincing." Lord CURZON hoped that the Peers would not
+endorse such methods, but would be guided by the example of "Clemency"
+CANNING. The Lords however, by 129 to 86, passed Lord FINLAY'S motion, to
+the effect that General DYER had been unjustly treated and that a dangerous
+precedent had been established.
+
+The FIRST COMMISSIONER OF WORKS was inundated with questions about the
+pylon and explained that it had been designed by Sir FRANK BAINES entirely
+on his own initiative. Its submission to the Cabinet had never been
+contemplated, and its exhibition in the Tea Room was due to an hon. Member,
+who said that a number of people would be interested. Apparently they were.
+
+Asked if the scheme might be regarded as quite dead, Sir ALFRED MOND
+replied that he certainly thought so. In fact, to judge by his previous
+answer, it was never really alive.
+
+There is still anxious curiosity regarding the increase of railway fares,
+but when invited to "name the day" Mr. BONAR LAW remained coy. Suggestions
+for postponements in the interests of this or that class of holiday-maker
+finally goaded him into asking sarcastically, "Why not until after
+Christmas?" Whereupon the House loudly cheered.
+
+_Wednesday, July 21st._--Tactful man, Lord DESBOROUGH. In urging the
+Government to call a Conference to consider the establishment of a fixed
+date for Easter he supported his case with a wealth of curious information,
+some of it acquired from the Prayer-book tables, as he said, "during the
+less interesting sermons to which I have listened." You or I would have
+said "dull" _tout court_, and in that case we should not have deserved to
+receive, as Lord DESBOROUGH did, the almost enthusiastic support of the
+Archbishop of CANTERBURY.
+
+In spite of this Lord ONSLOW, for the Government, was far from encouraging.
+He quite recognised the drawbacks of the movable Easter, and agreed that it
+was primarily a matter for the Churches. But he feared the Nonconformists
+might dissent, and displayed a hitherto unsuspected reverence for the
+opinion of the Armenians. Besides, what about the Dominions and Labour? And
+with Europe in such a state of unrest ought we to throw in a new apple of
+discord? With much regret the Government could not see their way, etc.
+Whereupon Lord DESBOROUGH, who seems to be easily satisfied, expressed his
+gratitude and withdrew his motion.
+
+In an expansive moment Mr. MONTAGU once referred to Mr. GANDHI as his
+"friend." He did so, it appears, in the hope that the eminent agitator
+would abandon his disloyal vapourings. But the friendship is now finally
+sundered. Mr. GANDHI has been endeavouring to organise a boycott of the
+PRINCE OF WALES' visit to India, and, as Mr. MONTAGU observed more in
+sorrow than in anger, "Nobody who suggests disloyalty or discourtesy to the
+Crown can be a friend of any Member of this House, let alone a Minister."
+
+If anyone were to take exception to the accuracy of some of the PRIME
+MINISTER'S historical allusions in his post-Spa oration he would doubtless
+reply, "I don't read history; I make it." He was tart with the Turks,
+gratulatory to the Greeks, peevish with the Poles and gentle to the
+Germans. The German CHANCELLOR and Herr VON SIMONS were described as "two
+perfectly honest upright men, doing their best to cope with a gigantic
+task." Their country was making a real effort to meet the indemnity; it was
+not entirely responsible for the delay in trying the war-criminals, and
+even in the matter of disarmament was not altogether blameworthy. The
+Bolshevists also were handled more tenderly than usual. Their reply was
+"incoherent" rather than "impertinent"--it might have been drawn up by a
+WEDGWOOD-KENWORTHY-CECIL-BOTTOMLEY-THOMAS syndicate. Still they must not be
+allowed to wipe out Poland, foolish and reckless as the Poles had been.
+
+A well-informed speech was made by Mr. T. SHAW, evidently destined to be
+the Foreign Minister of the first Labour Cabinet. Having travelled in
+Russia he has acquired a distaste for the Soviet system, both political and
+industrial, and is confident that no amount of Bolshevist propaganda will
+induce the British proletarian to embrace a creed under which he would be
+compelled to work.
+
+_Thursday, July. 22nd._--The Peers held an academic discussion on the
+League of Nations. Lords PARMOOR, BRYCE and HALDANE, who declared
+themselves its friends, were about as cheerful as JOB'S Comforters; Lord
+SYDENHAM was frankly sceptical of the success of a body that had, and could
+have, no effective force behind it; and Lord CURZON was chiefly concerned
+to dispel the prevalent delusion that the League is a branch of the British
+Foreign Office.
+
+The Commons had an equally unappetising bill-of-fare, in which Ireland
+figured appropriately as the _pièce de résistance_. Sir JOHN REES'
+well-meant endeavour to furnish some lighter refreshment by an allusion to
+the Nauru islanders' habit of "broiling their brothers for breakfast" fell
+a little flat. The latest news from Belfast suggests that in the expression
+of brotherly love Queen's Island has little to learn from Nauru.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A SCENE AT THE CLUB.
+
+I never liked Buttinbridge. I considered him a vulgar and pushful fellow.
+He had thrust himself into membership of my club and he had forced his
+acquaintance upon me.
+
+I was sitting in the club smoking-room the other day when Buttinbridge came
+in. His behaviour was characteristic of the man. He walked towards me and
+said in a loud voice, "Cheerioh, old Sport!"
+
+I drew the little automatic pistol with which I had provided myself in case
+of just such an emergency, took a quick aim and fired. Buttinbridge gave a
+convulsive leap, fell face downwards on the hearthrug and lay quite still.
+It was a beautiful shot--right in the heart.
+
+The room was fairly full at the moment, and at the sound of the shot
+several members looked up from their newspapers. One young fellow--I fancy
+he was a country member recently demobilised--who had evidently watched the
+incident, exclaimed, "Pretty shot, Sir!" But two or three of the older men
+frowned irritably and said, "Sh-sh-sh!"
+
+Seeing that it was incumbent upon me to apologise, I said, in a tone just
+loud enough to be audible to all present, "I beg your pardon, gentlemen."
+Then I dropped the spent cartridge into an ash-tray, returned the pistol to
+my pocket and was just stretching out my hand to touch the bell when old
+Withergreen, the _doyen_ of the club, interposed.
+
+"Pardon me," he said, "I am a little deaf, but almost simultaneously with
+the fall of this member upon the hearthrug I fancied I heard the report of
+a firearm. May I claim an old man's privilege and ask if I am right in
+presuming a connection between the two occurrences, and, if so, whether
+there has been any recent relaxation of our time-honoured rule against
+assassination on the club premises?"
+
+Shouting into his ear-trumpet, I said, "I fired the shot, Sir, which killed
+the member now lying upon the hearthrug. I did so because he addressed me
+in a form of salutation which I regard as peculiarly objectionable. He
+called me 'Old Sport,' an expression used by bookmakers and such."
+
+"Um! Old Port?" mumbled old Withergreen.
+
+"OLD SPORT," I shouted more loudly. Then I stepped to the writing-table,
+took a dictionary from among the books of reference, found the place I
+wanted and returned to the ear-trumpet.
+
+"I find here," I said, for the benefit of the room at large, for all were
+now listening, though with some impatience, "that in calling me a '_sport_'
+the deceased member called me a plaything, a diversion. If he had called me
+a _sportsman_, which is here defined as 'one who hunts, fishes or fowls,'
+he would have been not necessarily more accurate but certainly less
+offensive."
+
+At this point there stood up a member whom I recognised as one of the
+committee. "I am sure, Sir," he said, "that all present are agreed that you
+fired in defence of the purity of English speech, and that the incident was
+the outcome of an unfortunate attempt to relieve the financial
+embarrassment of the club by relaxing our former rigorous exclusiveness.
+Speaking as one of the committee, I have no doubt that the affair will be
+dismissed as _justifiable homicide_."
+
+Having bowed my acknowledgments I rang the bell. When the waiter appeared I
+bade him "Bring me a black coffee and then clear away the remains of Mr.
+Buttinbridge."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Then I was awakened by the voice of Buttinbridge yelling, "Wake up, old
+Sport!"
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Grocer._ "NOW, MY MAN, THE BUTTER YOU BROUGHT US LAST
+WEEK--EVERY PACKET OF IT WEIGHED ONLY FIFTEEN OUNCES."
+
+_Farmer's Man._ "WELL, TO BE SURE, SIR, WE'D LOST OUR ONE-POUND WEIGHT; BUT
+WE TOOK ONE OF YOUR POUND PACKETS OF TEA TO WEIGH IT WITH."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE PECULIAR CASE OF TOLLER.
+
+Toller first floated into public notice on the fame of Rodman, who by an
+irony of fate is now all but forgotten. Rodman, it may be remembered, was a
+promising young poet during the first decade of this century. Out of a
+scandalous youth whose verses made their appearance in slim periodicals
+that expired before their periodicity could be computed, he was evolving
+into a reputable poet who was given a prominent position facing advertising
+matter in the heavy magazines when he met with his regrettably early end.
+Apart from his poems he left no literary remains, except a few letters too
+hideously ungrammatical for publication. The sole materials for a biography
+lay in the memory of Toller, who by a stroke of luck happened to have known
+him intimately.
+
+By an equal piece of good fortune Toller had taken a course of mind
+training and his memory was exceptionally retentive. His _Life of Rodman_
+achieved instant success, a far greater than _Rodman's Collected Works_.
+The undomesticities of a poet's life naturally excite greater interest in
+the cultured than his utterances on Love, Destiny and other topics on which
+poets are apt to discourse. Toller, until then a struggling journalist,
+became all at once a minor literary celebrity, much in demand at
+conversaziones and places where they chatter. Sympathy for Rodman aroused
+curiosity which only Toller could satisfy.
+
+His memory, continually stimulated by questions, gained further in
+strength. The more he was asked the more he remembered, and so on in a
+virtuous circle. His Rodmaniana provided him with a comfortable income. He
+removed from Earl's Court to luxurious chambers off Jermyn Street, from
+which he poured out article after article on the deceased poet.
+
+Then suddenly, without warning, probably from overstrain, his memory gave
+way. Everything in the past, Rodman included, vanished from his mind. A
+greater calamity one could not conceive. It was as though a violinist had
+lost a hand, a popular preacher his voice. His livelihood was gone. Much as
+his babble about Rodman had bored me I could not but feel some sorrow for
+him, fallen from his little pinnacle of fame and affluence. Judge, then, of
+my surprise when I passed him about a fortnight ago faultlessly dressed and
+wearing an air of great prosperity. He showed of course not the smallest
+recollection of me.
+
+"How does Toller manage to live?" I asked Cardew, who knows him better than
+I do.
+
+"He still writes," was the reply.
+
+"What--without a memory?"
+
+"Yes, he finds it an advantage. You see, since the fusion of the old
+parties and the formation of new ones, the possession of a memory is often
+a source of considerable embarrassment to a leader writer. Toller now does
+the political articles for a prominent morning paper. The proprietors
+consider him a wonderful find."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+BUCKLER'S.
+
+To acquire an estate is, even in these days of inflated prices and
+competitive house-hunters, an easy matter compared with finding a name for
+it when it is yours. It is then that the real trouble sets in.
+
+Take the case of my friend Buckler.
+
+A little while ago he purchased a property, a few acres on the very top of
+a hill not too far from London and only half-a-mile from his present
+habitation, and there he is now building a home. At least the plans are
+done and the ground has been pegged out. "Here," he will say, quite
+unmindful of the clouds emptying themselves all over us--with all an
+enthusiast's disregard for others, and an enthusiast, moreover, who has his
+abode close by, full of changes of raiment--"here," setting his foot firmly
+in the mud, "is where the dining-room will be. Here," moving away a few
+yards through the slush, "is the billiard-room." Then, pointing towards the
+zenith with his stick, "Above it"--here you look up into the pitiless sky
+as well as the deluge will permit--"are two spare rooms, one of which will
+be yours when you come to see us." And so forth.
+
+He then leads the way round the place, through brake fern wetter than
+waves, to indicate the position of the tennis-courts, and in course of time
+you are allowed to return to the dry and spend the rest of the day in
+borrowed clothes.
+
+Everyone knows these Kubla Khans decreeing pleasure domes and enlarging
+upon them in advance of the builders, and never are they so eloquent and
+unmindful of rain and discomforts as when their listeners are poor and
+condemned to a squalid London existence for ever.
+
+But that is beside the mark. It is the naming of these new country seats
+that leads to such difficulties.
+
+That night at dinner the question arose again.
+
+"As it is on the top of the hill," said a gentle wistful lady, "why not
+call it 'Hill Top'? I'm sure I've seen that name before. It is expressive
+and simple."
+
+"So simple," said Buckler, "that my nearest neighbour has already
+appropriated it."
+
+"I suppose that would be an objection," said the lady, and we all agreed.
+
+"Why not," said another guest, "call it 'The Summit'? or, more concisely,
+just 'Summit'?"
+
+"Or why not go further," said a frivolous voice, "and suggest hospitality
+too--and Buckler's hospitality is notorious--by calling it 'Summit-to-
+Eat'?"
+
+Our silence was properly contemptuous of this sally.
+
+"If you didn't like that you might call it 'Summit-to-Drink,'" the
+frivolous voice impenitently continued. "Then you would get all the
+Americans there too."
+
+The voice's glass having been replenished (which, I fancy, was its inner
+purpose) we became serious again.
+
+"As it is on the top of the hill," said the first lady, "there will
+probably be a view. Why not call it, for example, 'Bellevue'? 'Bellevue' is
+a charming word."
+
+"A little French, isn't it?" someone inquired.
+
+"Oh, yes, it's French," she admitted. "But it's all right, isn't it? It's
+quite nice French."
+
+We assured her that, for a French phrase, it was singularly free from
+impropriety.
+
+"But of course," she said, "there's an Italian equivalent, 'Bella Vista.'
+'Bella Vista' is delightful."
+
+"I passed a 'Bella Vista' in Surbiton yesterday," said the frivolous voice,
+"and an errand-boy had done his worst with it with a very black lead
+pencil."
+
+"What could he do?" the gentle lady asked wonderingly, with big violet eyes
+distended.
+
+"It is not for me to explain," said the frivolous voice; "but the final
+vowel of the first word dissatisfied him and he substituted another. The
+capabilities of errand-boys with pencil or chalk should never be lost sight
+of when one is choosing a name for a front gate."
+
+"I am all at sea," said the lady plaintively. Then she brightened. "Is
+there no prominent landmark visible from the new house?" she asked. "It is
+so high there must be."
+
+Our hostess said that by cutting down two trees it would be possible to see
+Windsor Castle.
+
+"Oh, then, do cut them down," said the lady, "and call it 'Castle View.'
+That would be perfect."
+
+During the panic that followed I made a suggestion. "The best name for it,"
+I said, "is 'Buckler's.' That is what the country people will call it, and
+so you may as well forestall them and be resigned to it. Besides, it's the
+right kind of name. It's the way most of the farms all over England once
+were named--after their owners, and where the owner was a man of character
+and force the name persisted. Call it 'Buckler's' and you will help
+everyone, from the postman to the strange guest who might otherwise tour
+the neighbourhood for miles searching for you long after lunch was
+finished."
+
+"But isn't it too practical?" the first lady asked. "There's no poetry in
+it."
+
+"No," I said, "there isn't. The poetry is in its owner. Any man who can
+stand in an open field under a July rainstorm and show another man where
+his bedroom is to be in a year's time is poet enough."
+
+E.V.L.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+TO ISIS.
+
+  Isis, beside thine ambient rill
+    How oft I've snuffed the Berkshire breezes,
+  Or, prone on some adjoining hill,
+  Thrown off with my accustomed skill
+    The weekly fytte of polished wheezes;
+  How oft in summer's languorous days,
+    With some fair creature at the pole, I
+  Have thrid the Cherwell's murmurous ways
+  And dared with lobster mayonnaise
+    The onslaughts of Bacillus Coli?
+
+  Once--it was done at duty's call--
+    My labouring oar explored thy reaches;
+  They said I was no good at all
+  And coaches noting me would bawl
+    Things about "angleworms and breeches;"
+  But oh! the shouts of heartfelt glee
+    That rang on thine astonished marges
+  As we bore (rolling woundily)
+  Full in the wake of Brasenose III.
+    And bumped them soundly at the barges.
+
+  That night on Oxenford there burst
+    A sound of strong men at their revels,
+  And stroke, in vinous lore unversed,
+  Retired, if you must know the worst,
+    On feet that swam at different levels,
+  Nor knew till morning brought its cares
+    That, while the cup was freely flowing,
+  He'd scaled a flight of moving stairs
+  And commandeered his tutor's chairs
+    To keep the college bonfire going.
+
+  Immortal youth it was that bound
+    Us twain together, beauteous river;
+  And, though these limbs just crawl around
+  That once would scarcely touch the ground,
+    And alcohol upsets my liver,
+  Still, in a punt or lithe canoe
+    I can revive my vernal heyday,
+  Pretend the sky's ethereal blue,
+  The golden kingcups' cheery hue,
+    Spell my, as well as Nature's, Mayday.
+
+  The evening glows, the swallow skims
+    Between the water and the willows;
+  The blackbirds pipe their evening hymns,
+  A punt awaits at Mr. Tims'
+    With generous tea and lots of pillows,
+  And of all girls the first, the best
+    To play at youth with this old fossil;
+  Then Isis, as we glide to rest
+  Upon thy shadow-dappled breast,
+    We'll pledge thee in a generous wassail.
+
+  ALGOL.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Mistress._ "DID EVERYTHING COME FROM THE STORES THAT I
+ORDERED?"
+
+_Maid._ "EVERYTHINK, MUM, 'CEPT THE 'ADDICK, WHICH IS COMING ON BY ITSELF
+LATER."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+ENGLAND UNBENDS.
+
+REPORTS FROM SPA AND SHORE.
+
+SCARGATE.--This famous Yorkshire Spa is now in a condition of hectic
+activity and offers a plethora of attractions. A recent analysis of the
+waters shows that the proportion of sapid ovaloid particles and
+sulphuretted trinitrotoluene is larger than ever. Lieutenant Platt-
+Stithers' stincopated anthropoid orchestra plays four times daily--in the
+early morning and at noon for the relief of the water-drinkers, and in the
+afternoon and evening in the rotating Jazz Hall. Special attractions this
+week include cinema lectures daily on the domestic life of the Solomon
+Islanders by Mr. Nicholas Ould; a recital on the Bolophone on Thursday by
+Mr. Tertius Quodling, and, at the Grand Opera House, _Pope Joan_ and _The
+Flip-Flappers_. On Saturday the Stridcar Golf Club will hold a series of
+competitions in rational fancy dress for the benefit of the Phonetic
+Spelling Association.
+
+FALLALMOUTH.--Visitors to this romantic resort are offered a wide field of
+entertainment and moral uplift. The steamer excursions embrace trips up the
+lovely river Fallal to Gongor, famous for the prehistoric remains of the
+shrine of Saint Opodeldoc, and to beauty spots in the harbour like
+Glumgallion, Trehenna and Pangofflin Creek. There are also excursions in
+armed motor-char-à-bancs to Boscagel, Cadgerack and Flapperack. To-day
+visitors can view the gardens at Poljerrick, where many super-tropical
+plants, including man-eating cacti, are growing in the most unbridled
+luxuriance. There is a fine sporting nine-hole golf-course on the shingle
+strand at Grogwalloe, where the test of niblick play is more severe than on
+any links save those of the Culbin Sands near Nairn. Among other attractive
+features are the brilliant displays of aurora borealis over the Bay, which
+have been arranged at considerable cost by the Corporation in conjunction
+with the Meteorological Society.
+
+BORECAMBE.--The demand for bathing-machines and tents continues to
+increase, though the shopkeepers are complaining of a decreasing spending
+power on the part of the visitors and a disinclination to pay more than a
+shilling a head for shrimps. The practice of dispensing with head-gear is
+also much resented by local outfitters, but otherwise the situation is well
+in hand. On Monday last Mr. Silas Pargeter, an old resident, caught a fine
+conger-eel, weighing fifty-six pounds, which he has presented to the
+Museum. As Borecambe is a good jumping-off ground for the Lake District
+there are daily char-à-banc excursions to the land of WORDSWORTH and
+RUSKIN, each passenger being supplied with a megaphone and a pea-shooter.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+DOWN CHANNEL.
+
+  The chime of country steeples,
+    The scent of gorse and musk,
+  The drone of sleepy breakers
+    Come mingled with the dusk;
+  A ruddy moon is rising
+    Like a ripe pomegranate husk.
+
+  The coast-wise lights are wheeling
+    White sword-blades in the sky,
+  The misty hills grow dimmer,
+    The last lights blink and die;
+  Oh, land of home and beauty,
+    Good-bye, my dear, good-bye!
+
+  PATLANDER.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+HOW TO BE LONELY THOUGH MARRIED.
+
+    "Lonely Officer (married, with three children) wants Sealyham Terrier
+    Dog."--_Times._
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Golfer._ "LET'S SEE--WHAT'S BOGEY FOR THIS HOLE?"
+
+_Caddie_ (_fed up_). "DINNA FASH YERSEL' ABOOT BOGEY. YE'VE PLAYED FUFTEEN
+AN' YE'RE NO DEID YET--(_aside_) WORSE LUCK."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+MY DROMEDARY.
+
+I see by _The Times_ that dromedaries are on sale at sixty-five pounds
+apiece.
+
+In these days, when commodities of all kinds are so expensive, one cannot
+afford to overlook bargains of whatever nature they may be. And it seems to
+me that a dromedary at sixty-five pounds is really rather cheap.
+
+For after all sixty-five pounds to-day is little more than thirty pounds in
+pre-war times. Considering their trifling cost I am surprised that more
+people do not possess dromedaries. Most of my neighbours during the past
+two years have built garages, but not one, so far as I am aware, has built
+a dromedary-drome.
+
+I think I shall buy one of these attractive pets if my pass-book encourages
+me. Cheaper than a motor-car and far more intelligent and responsive to
+human affection, a dromedary will add distinction to my establishment and
+afford pleasant occupation for my leisure. It brings no attendant annoyance
+from the Inland Revenue authorities; there are no tiresome registration
+fees or regulations as to the dimensions of a number-plate.
+
+As long as I can remember I have lived in a state of uncertainty as to
+whether a dromedary has two humps and a camel one, or a camel two humps and
+a dromedary one. With one of these exotic quadrupeds tethered only a few
+yards away from the kitchen door that condition of doubt need not exist in
+the future for more than a few moments. In a good light it should be
+perfectly easy to count the humps or hump. Then again a dromedary will come
+for a walk on a fine evening without involving one in a dog-fight. It will
+provide quiet yet healthful exercise for the two children. If it turns out
+that the type possesses two humps it will be able to convey Edgar and
+Marigold at one and the same time, thus saving delay and inconvenience.
+
+It will be a protection to the house. When we have gone to bed the faithful
+creature will lie on guard in the hall, and no amount of poisoned liver
+thrust through the letter-box will assuage its ferocity or weaken its
+determination to protect the hearth and home of its master against
+marauders. For the dromedary is not only a strict teetotaler and non-
+smoker, but a lifelong vegetarian. Famous for its browsing propensities, a
+dromedary about the garden will save untold labour and expense, keeping the
+lawn trimmed and the hedges clipped. And indoors its height will serve me
+admirably in enabling me, while seated on its hump or one of its humps, to
+attend in comfort to a little whitewashing job which will not brook further
+postponement.
+
+I will look at my pass-book to-morrow.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+FLOWERS' NAMES.
+
+          COLT'S FOOT.
+
+  When the four Horses of the Sun
+    Were little leggy things,
+  When they could only jump and run
+    And hadn't grown their wings,
+  The Sun-God sent them out to play
+  In a field one July day.
+
+  Oh, the four Horses of the Sun
+    They galloped and they rolled,
+  They leapt into the air for fun
+    And felt so brave and bold;
+  And when they'd done their gallopings
+  They'd grown four splendid pairs of wings.
+
+  The Sun-God fetched them in again
+    To draw his car of gold;
+  But you can still see very plain
+    Where each one leapt and rolled;
+  For from each hoof-mark, every one,
+  There sprang a little golden sun,
+  And that same little golden flower
+  People call Colt's Foot to this hour.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "The stove will stand by itself anywhere. It omits neither smoke nor
+    smell."--_Provincial Paper._
+
+We know that stove.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Lady._ "CAN YOU SHOW ME SOMETHING SUITABLE FOR A BIRTHDAY
+PRESENT FOR A GENTLEMAN?"
+
+_Shopwalker._ "MEN'S FURNISHING DEPARTMENT ON THE NEXT FLOOR, MADAM."
+
+_Lady._ "WELL, I DON'T KNOW. THE GIFT IS FOR MY HUSBAND."
+
+_Shopwalker._ "OH, PARDON, MADAM. BARGAIN COUNTER IN THE BASEMENT."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+OUR BOOKING-OFFICE.
+
+(_By Mr. Punch's Staff of Learned Clerks._)
+
+Not every regiment has the good luck to find for chronicler one who is not
+only a distinguished soldier but a practical and experienced man of
+letters. This fortune is enjoyed by _The Gold Coast Regiment_ (MURRAY) in
+securing for its historian Sir HUGH CLIFFORD, K.C.M.G., from whose book you
+may obtain a vivid picture of a phase of the Empire's effort about which
+the average Briton has heard comparatively little. The very strenuous
+compaigns of the G.C.R., the endurance and achievements of its brave and
+light-hearted troops, and the heroism and fostering care of its officers,
+make an inspiring story. Almost for the first time one gains some real idea
+of the difficulties of the East African campaign, that prolonged tiger
+hunt, in which every advantage of mobility, of choice of ground, ambush and
+the like lay with the enemy; and over very tough physical obstacles, as,
+for example, rivers so variable that, in the author's incisive phrase, they
+"can rarely be relied upon, for very long together, either to furnish
+drinking-water or to refrain from impeding transport." It is interesting to
+note that Sir HUGH, while giving every credit to the remarkable personality
+of the German commander, entirely demolishes the theory, so grateful to our
+sentimentalists, that the absence of surrenders on the part of the enemy's
+black troops was due to any devotion to VON LETTOW-VORBECK as leader; the
+explanation being the characteristic German dodge of creating from the
+natives a military caste so highly privileged, and consequently unpopular
+with their fellows, that surrender, involving return to native civilian
+life, became a practical impossibility.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Much the best part, and a good best, of _Sir Harry_ (COLLINS) is the
+opening, which is not only delightful in itself but contains almost the
+sole example of a chapter-long letter (of the kind usually so unconvincing
+in fiction) in which I have found it possible to believe as being actually
+written by one character to another. The explanation of which is that this
+one is supposed to be sent to his wife by the new _Vicar of Royd_, himself
+a successful novelist, on a visit of inspection to his future parish. The
+efforts of _Mrs. Grant_, at home, to disentangle essential facts from the
+complications of the literary manner form as pleasant and human an
+introduction to a story as any I remember. The story itself is one highly
+characteristic of its author, Mr. ARCHIBALD MARSHALL, both in charm and
+truth to life, as also in one minor drawback, of which I have taken
+occasion to speak before. Nothing could be better done than the picture of
+the household at Royd Castle, the boy owner, _Sir Harry_, sheltered by the
+almost too-encompassing care of the three elder inmates, mother,
+grandmother and tutor. When the fictionally inevitable happens and an Eve
+breaks into this protected Eden there follow some boy-and-girl love-scenes
+that may perhaps remind you--and what praise could be higher?--of the
+collapse of another system on the meeting of _Richard_ and _Lucy_. I will
+not anticipate the end of a sympathetically told story, which I myself
+should have enjoyed even more but for Mr. MARSHALL'S habit (hinted at
+above) of following real life somewhat too closely in the matter of
+non-progressive discussion. How I should like him to lay his next scene in
+a community of Trappists!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+_The Haunted Bookshop_ (CHAPMAN AND HALL) is a daring, perhaps too daring,
+mixture of a browse in a second-hand bookshop and a breathless bustle among
+international criminals. To estimate the accuracy of its technical details
+the critic must be a secret service specialist, the mustiest of bookworms
+and a highly-trained expert in the science and language of the American
+advertising business. Speaking as a general practitioner, I like Mr.
+CHRISTOPHER MORLEY best when he is being cinematographic; he hits a very
+happy mean with his spies and his sleuths, giving a nice proportion of
+skill and error, failure and success, to both. There is a strong love-
+interest which will be made much of and probably spoilt by the purchasers
+of the film-rights; and, though strong men will doubtless applaud hoarsely
+and women will weep copiously, as the bomb in the bookshop throws the young
+lovers into each other's arms, I feel that the book gives a more attractive
+portrait of _Titania Chapman_, the plutocrat's daughter, than ever can be
+materialised in the film-man's "close-up." I am afraid that Mr. MORLEY will
+not thank me for praising his brisk melodrama at the cost of his ramblings
+in literature. But, if he has the knowledge, he lacks the fragrance; not to
+put too fine a point on it, he is long-winded and tends to bore in his
+disquisitions upon books and bookishness; which is no proper material for a
+novelist. The story is all about America and is thoroughly American;
+inevitably therefore there is some ambitious word-coining. The only novelty
+which sticks in my memory and earns my gratitude is the title for the
+female Bolshevik, to wit, Bolshevixen.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Wayward and capricious heroines who marry young are entitled, I think, to a
+certain amount of introspective treatment by their authors. Without some
+knowledge of their mental working it is not very easy for the reader to
+have patience with them. I was introduced to _Anne_ (HEINEMANN) when she
+was fifteen, and in the act of snatching a loaf of bread from a baker's
+cart and running away with it merely to annoy the baker; and, as she had
+large blue eyes and two young men as self-appointed guardians, I was
+prepared for a certain amount of heart trouble later on. One of these
+heroes she married at the age of seventeen, and, after various innocent but
+compromising vagaries (including a flight to Paris after the death of her
+son in order to study art), she followed the other one, still innocently,
+to Ireland, because he had been in prison and she was sorry for him. Both
+these guardians discharged their duty to _Anne_ at least as well as OLGA
+HARTLEY, who chronicles but does not explain; and this is a pity, for with
+a rather different treatment she might have made her heroine a very
+likeable person. Looked at from another point of view, _Anne_ may be taken
+as a mild piece of propaganda against divorce. I am glad it didn't come to
+that, of course, but I do feel that a cross-examining K.C. would have
+discovered a good deal more about Anne's soul for me than I learnt from the
+writer of her story.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+_John Fitzhenry_ (MILLS AND BOON) is one of those pleasant stories about
+people who live in big country houses, a subject that seems to have a
+particular attraction for the large and ungrudging public which lives in
+villas. We have already several novelists who tell them very ably, and I
+feel that some one among them has served as Miss ELLA MACMAHON'S model. The
+tale deals with the affairs of a showy fickle cousin and a silent constant
+cousin who compete for the love of the same delightful if rather nebulous
+young woman, and moves to its _dénouement_, against a background of the
+great War, which Miss MACMAHON has very sensibly decided to view entirely
+from the home front. It contains some fine thinking and some bad writing
+(the phrase telling of the middle-aged smart woman who "waved her foot
+impatiently" gives a just idea of the author's occasional inability to say
+what she means), some quite extraneous incidents and some scenes very well
+touched in. The people, with a few exceptions, are of the race which
+inhabits this sort of book, and, as we have long agreed with our novelists
+that "the county" is just like that, I don't see why Miss MACMAHON should
+be blamed for it.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Mr. COSMO HAMILTON lays the scene of _His Friend and His Wife_ (HURST AND
+BLACKETT) in the Quaker Hill Colony of Connecticut, the members of which
+were typically "nice" and took themselves very seriously. So when one of
+them brought a divorce suit against her husband there was a feeling that
+the colony's reputation had been irremediably besmirched. Mr. HAMILTON can
+be trusted to create tense situations out of the indiscretions of an erring
+couple, but he also contrives, in spite of its artificial atmosphere, to
+make us believe in this society, though he tried me rather hard with a
+scandalmongress of the type we happily meet less often in life than in
+fiction. I hope he will not be quite so dental in his next book. I didn't
+so much mind _Mrs. Hopper's_ teeth, which "flashed like an electric
+advertisement," but when he made two golfers also flash "triumphant teeth"
+I recoiled.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+_The Golden Bird_ of Miss DOROTHY EASTON (HEINEMANN) is indeed lucky to set
+out on its flight with a favouring pat from Mr. JOHN GALSWORTHY. He asserts
+that these short studies of people and things in England and France are
+very well done indeed; that moreover, though the short sketch may look, and
+the bad short sketch may be, one of the easiest of literary feats, the good
+short sketch is in fact one of the most difficult. Now who should know this
+if not Mr. GALSWORTHY, and who am I that I should presume to disagree? As a
+matter of fact I don't. Quite the contrary. But naturally I shall get no
+credit for that. I will only add that Miss EASTON has not a majority mind,
+that she sees the sad thing more easily than the gay, that I like her work
+best in her more objective moods, and that, like so many writers of
+perception, she finds the quintessence of England's beauty in happy Sussex.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: IN OLD VERSAILLES.
+
+_Mother._ "GOOD NEWS, MY SON! EVEN AS I PONDERED WHETHER I SHOULD EAT OUR
+LAST CRUST THE EVER-KIND ABBÉ CALLED TO SAY HE HAD FOUND THEE A HIGHLY-PAID
+APPOINTMENT AT COURT."
+
+_Son._ "YES--BUT DID HE TELL YOU IT WAS AS FOOD-TASTER TO HIS MAJESTY, WHO
+DAILY EXPECTS TO BE POISONED?"]
+
+
+
+
+
+
+End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol.
+159, July 28th, 1920, by Various
+
+*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH ***
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+  <meta http-equiv="Content-Type" content="text/html; charset=iso-8859-1" />
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+  <title>Punch, July 28th, 1920.</title>
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+
+The Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 159,
+July 28th, 1920, by Various
+
+This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with
+almost no restrictions whatsoever.  You may copy it, give it away or
+re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included
+with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org
+
+
+Title: Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 159, July 28th, 1920
+
+Author: Various
+
+Release Date: August 29, 2005 [EBook #16619]
+
+Language: English
+
+Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1
+
+*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH ***
+
+
+
+
+Produced by Jonathan Ingram, Keith Edkins and the Online
+Distributed Proofreading Team at https://www.pgdp.net
+
+
+
+
+
+
+</pre>
+
+ <h1>PUNCH,<br />
+  OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.</h1>
+
+  <h2>Vol. 159.</h2>
+  <hr class="full" />
+
+  <h2>July 28th, 1920.</h2>
+  <hr class="full" />
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="page61" id="page61"></a>[pg 61]</span>
+
+<h2>CHARIVARIA.</h2>
+
+  <p>"The public will not stand for increased railway fares," says a
+  contemporary. They have had too much standing at the old prices.</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+  <p>A Mile End man writes to <i>The Daily Express</i> to say that one of
+  his ducks laid four eggs in one day. It seems about the most sensible
+  thing the bird could have done with them.</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+  <p>As a result of the recent Tube extension, passengers can now travel
+  from the Bank to Ealing in thirty-five minutes. It is further claimed
+  that the route passes under some of the most beautiful scenery in
+  England.</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+  <p>Mersey shipyard workers have made a demand on their employers for five
+  pounds ten shillings a week when not working and seven pounds a week when
+  working. This proposal to discriminate between the men who work and those
+  who don't is condemned in more advanced trade union circles as savouring
+  dangerously of capitalism.</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+  <p>"One evening at Covent Garden," says <font class="sc">M. Abel
+  Hermant</font> in <i>Le Temps</i>, "will teach more correct behaviour
+  than six months' lessons from a certified professor of etiquette."
+  Opinion among the smart set is divided as to whether he means Covent
+  Garden Theatre or Covent Garden Market.</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+  <p>The Bolshevists in Petrograd are finding a difficulty in the
+  appointment of a public executioner. This is just the chance for a man
+  who wants a nice steady job.</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+  <p>On looking up our diary we find that the <font class="sc">Mad
+  Mullah</font> is just about due to be killed again. We wonder if anything
+  is being done in the matter.</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+  <p>A German merchant is anxious to get into touch with a big stamp-dealer
+  in this country. Our feeling is that the <font
+  class="sc">Postmaster-General</font> is the man he wants.</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+  <p>We are asked to deny the rumour that Sir <font class="sc">Philip
+  Sassoon</font> has been appointed touring manager to the Peace
+  Conference.</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+  <p>A Newbury man has succeeded in breeding pink-coated tame rats. It is
+  said that the Prohibitionists hope to exterminate these, as they did the
+  green ones.</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+  <p>A blunder of thirty million pounds in the estimates for British
+  operations in Russia is revealed in a White Paper. It is expected that
+  the Government will bequeath it to the nation.</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+  <p>Owing to the high cost of material we understand that a certain pill
+  is to-day worth £1 11<i>s.</i> 6<i>d.</i> a box.</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+  <p>The Sinn Feiners now threaten to capture one of our new battleships.
+  We sincerely hope that the Government will place a caretaker on board
+  each of our most valuable Dreadnoughts.</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+  <p>A Lanarkshire magistrate the other day doubted whether a miner could
+  remember details of an accident which happened two years ago. It is said
+  that the miner had vivid recollections of the affair as it happened to be
+  the day he was at work.</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+  <p>It is urged that all taxi-cabs should have a cowcatcher in front in
+  case of accidents. We gather that the drivers are quite willing provided
+  they are allowed to charge for anyone they pick up as an "extra."</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+  <p>It is reported that the muzzling order may come into force again in
+  South Wales. We understand that a dog which thoughtlessly attempted to
+  bark in Welsh in the main street of Cardiff was responsible for the
+  belief that rabies had broken out again.</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+  <p>During a brass-band contest a few days ago three members of the
+  winning band were taken ill just after they had finished playing. It was
+  at first feared that they had overblown themselves.</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+  <p>"A true lover of nature is nowadays very hard to find," complains a
+  writer in a Nature journal. Yet we know a golfer who always shouts
+  "Fore!" on slicing a ball into a spinney.</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+  <p>The two African lions which escaped from the Zoo in Portugal have not
+  yet been captured, and were last seen near the border-line of
+  Switzerland. It is thought that they are endeavouring to walk across
+  Europe as a reprisal for the flight across Africa by two Europeans.</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+  <p>The Dublin Trades Council called a one-day strike last week "to secure
+  the release of Mr. <font class="sc">James Larkin</font>." So successful
+  was the strike, we understand, that the United States authorities have
+  decided that the presence of Mr. <font class="sc">Larkin</font> at
+  forthcoming celebrations of a similar character would be quite
+  superfluous.</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+  <p>Speaking to an audience of miners at Morpeth Mr. <font
+  class="sc">Ramsay Macdonald</font> said he dreamed of a time when the
+  miners would govern the country. Not even the miners, on the other hand,
+  would dream of letting Mr. <font class="sc">Ramsay Macdonald</font>
+  govern it.</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+  <p>"Does the Government realise," asks a newspaper correspondent, "that
+  as regards the situation in Ireland we are on the edge of a crater or
+  with a thunderbolt over our heads?" We rather imagine that the
+  Government, like the writer, isn't quite sure which.</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+  <p>Oswestry Guardians have accepted an offer to supply Bibles to tramps.
+  This is the first occasion on which the current belief that the tramp
+  class is nowadays being recruited largely from the ranks of the minor
+  clergy has received formal recognition.</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+  <p>A bricklayer has been summoned for not sending his son to school. It
+  appears that the father, finding his boy could count up to twenty and
+  wishing him to follow his own occupation, thought further schooling
+  unnecessary.</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+  <p>"When the country really understands the need of the Government," says
+  an essayist, "we shall travel far." But not at twopence a mile, thank
+  you.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+  <div class="figcenter" style="width:50%;">
+      <a href="images/060.png"><img width="100%" src="images/060.png"
+      alt="" /></a>
+    <p class="center">TRUE POLITENESS.</p>
+
+    <p class="center">"<font class="sc">Your eel, I think, Sir?</font>"</p>
+  </div>
+<hr />
+
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="page62" id="page62"></a>[pg 62]</span>
+
+<h2>A CRIMINAL TYPE.</h2>
+
+  <p>To-day I am MAKing aN inno6£vation. as you mayalready have gessed, I
+  am typlng this article myself Zz½lnstead of writing it, The idea is to
+  save time and exvBKpense, also to demonstyap demonBTrike= =damn, to
+  demonstratO that I can type /ust as well as any blessedgirl 1f I give my
+  mInd to iT"" Typlng while you compose is realy extraoraordinarrily easy,
+  though composing whilr you typE is more difficult. I rather think my
+  typing style is going to be different froM my u6sual style, but Idaresay
+  noone will mind that much. looking back i see that we made rather a hash
+  of that awfuul wurd extraorordinnaryk? in the middle of a woRd like
+  thaton N-e gets quite lost? 2hy do I keep putting questionmarks instead
+  of fulstopSI wonder. Now you see i have put a fulllstop instead Of a
+  question mark it nevvvver reins but it pours.</p>
+
+  <p>the typewriter to me has always been a mustery£? and even now that I
+  have gained a perfect mastery over the machine in gront of me i have npt
+  th3 faintest idea hoW it workss% &amp;or instance why does the
+  thingonthetop the klnd of overhead Wailway arrrangement move along one
+  pace afterr every word; I haVe exam@aaa ined the mechanism from all
+  points of view but there seeems to be noreason atall whyit shouould do
+  t£is . damn that £, it keeps butting in: it is Just lik real life. then
+  there are all kinds oF attractive devisesand levers andbuttons of which
+  is amanvel in itself, and does somethI5g useful without lettin on how it
+  does iT.</p>
+
+  <p>Forinstance on this machinE which is A mi/et a mijge7 imean a mi/dgt,
+  made of alumium,, and very light sothat you caN CARRY it about on your
+  £olidays (there is that £ again) and typeout your poems onthe Moon
+  immmmediately, and there is onely one lot of keys for capITals and
+  ordinay latters; when you want todoa Capital you press down a special key
+  marked cap i mean CAP with the lefft hand and yo7 press down the letter
+  withthe other, like that abcd, no, ABCDEFG . how jolly that looks . as a
+  mattr of fact th is takes a little gettingintoas all the letters on the
+  keys are printed incapitals so now and then one forgets topress downthe
+  SPecial capit al key. not often, though. on the other hand onceone £as
+  got it down and has written anice nam e in capitals like LLOYdgeORGE IT
+  IS VERY DIFFICULT TO REmemBER TO PUT IT DOWN AGAIN ANDTHE N YOU GET THIS
+  SORT OF THING WICH SPOILS THE LOOOK OF THE HOLE PAGE . or els insted of
+  preSSing down the key marked CAP onepresses down the key m arked FIG and
+  then insted of LLOYDGEORGE you find that you have written ½½96% :394:3.
+  this is very dissheartening and £t is no wonder that typists are sooften
+  sououred in ther youth.</p>
+
+  <p>Apart fromthat though the key marked FIG is rather fun, since you can
+  rite such amusing things withit, things like % and &#x263A; and dear old
+  &amp; not to mention = and ¼ and ¾ and!!! i find that inones ordinarry (i
+  never get that word right) cor orresponden£c one doesn't use expressions
+  like @@ and % % % nearly enough. typewriting gives you a new ideaof
+  possibilities of the engli£h language; thE more i look at % the more
+  beautiful it seems to Be: and like the simple flowers of england itis
+  per£aps most beauti£ul when seeen in the masss, Look atit</p>
+
+  <div class="poem">
+    <div class="stanza">
+      <p>% % % % % % % % % % % %</p>
+      <p>% % % % % % % % % % % %</p>
+      <p>% % % % % % % % % % % %</p>
+      <p>% % % % % % % % % % % %</p>
+    </div>
+  </div>
+
+  <p>how would thatdo for a BAThrooM wallpaper? it could be produced verery
+  cheaply and itcould be calld the CHER RYdesigN damn, imeant to put all
+  that in capitals. iam afraid this articleis spoilt now but butt bUt curse
+  . But perhaps the most excitingthing a£out this mac£ine is that you can
+  by presssing alittle switch suddenly writein redor green instead of in
+  black; I donvt understanh how £t is done butit is very jollY? busisisness
+  men us e the device a gre t deal wen writing to their membersof
+  PARLIAment, in order to emphasasise the pointin wich the£r in£ustice is
+  worSe than anyone elses in£ustice . wen they come to WE ARE RUINED they
+  burst out into red and wen they come to WE w WOULD remIND YOU tHAT ATtHE
+  LAST E£ECTION yoU UNDERTOOk they burst into GReeN. thei r typists must
+  enjoy doing those letters. with this arrang ment of corse one coul d do
+  allkinds of capital wallpapers. for |nstance wat about a scheme of red
+  £'s and black %'s and gReen &amp;'s? this sort of thing</p>
+
+  <div class="poem">
+    <div class="stanza">
+      <p>£ % £ % £ % £ % £ %</p>
+      <p>&amp; £ &amp; £ &amp; £ &amp; £ &amp; £</p>
+      <p>£ % £ % £ % £ % £ %</p>
+      <p>&amp; £ &amp; £ &amp; £ &amp; £ &amp; £</p>
+    </div>
+  </div>
+
+  <p>Manya poor man would be glad to £ave that in his parLour ratherthan
+  wat he has got now. of corse, you wont be ab?e to apreciate the fulll
+  bauty of the design since i underst and that the retched paper which is
+  going to print this has no redink and no green inq either; so you must
+  £ust immagine that the £'s are red and the &amp;'s are green. it is
+  extroarordinarry (wat a t erribleword!!!) how backward in MAny waYs these
+  uptodate papers are wwww¼¼¼¼¼¼½=¾ now how did that happen i wond er; i
+  was experimenting with the BACK SPACE key; if that is wat it is for i
+  dont thinq i shall use it again. iI wonder if i am impriving at this½
+  sometimes i thinq i am and so metimes i thinq iam not . we have not had
+  so many £'s lately but i notice that theere have been one or two
+  misplaced q's &amp; icannot remember to write i in capital s there it
+  goes again.</p>
+
+  <p>Of curse the typewriter itself is not wolly giltless ½ike all
+  mac&amp;ines it has amind of it sown and is of like passsions with
+  ourselves. i could put that into greek if only the machine was not so
+  hopelessly MOdern. it 's chief failing is that it cannot write
+  m'sdecently and instead of h it will keep putting that confounded £. as
+  amatter of fact ithas been doing m's rather better today butthat is only
+  its cusssedussedness and because i have been opening my shoul ders
+  wenever we have come to an m; or should it be A m? who can tell; little
+  peculiuliarities like making indifferent m's are very important &amp;
+  w£en one is bying a typewiter one s£ould make careful enquiries about
+  themc; because it is things of that sort wich so often give criminals
+  away. there is notHing a detective likes so much as a type riter with an
+  idiosxz an idioynq damit an idiotyncrasy . for instance if i commit a
+  murder i s£ould not thinq of writing a litter about it with this of all
+  typewriters becusa because that fool ofa £ would give me away at once I
+  daresay scotland Yard have got specimens of my trypewriting locked up in
+  some pigeonhole allready. if they £avent they ought to; it ought to be
+  part of my dosossier.</p>
+
+  <p>i thing the place of the hypewriter in ART is inshufficiently
+  apreciated. Modern art i understand is chiefly sumbolical expression and
+  straigt lines. a typwritr can do strait lines with the under lining mark)
+  and there are few more atractive symbols thaN the symbols i have used in
+  this articel; i merely thro out the sugestion</p>
+
+  <p>I dont tkink i shal do many more articles like this it is tooo much
+  like work? but I am glad I have got out of that £ habit;</p>
+
+<p class="author">A.P.£.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+  <blockquote>
+  <p>"PRISON FOR FLAT LANDLORDS."&mdash;<i>Evening Paper.</i></p>
+
+  </blockquote>
+  <p>Good. But is nothing going to be done about the landlords with round
+  figures?</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+  <blockquote>
+  <p>"With favourable weather, Thatcham can look forward to a pre-war show
+  this year."&mdash;<i>Local Paper.</i></p>
+
+  </blockquote>
+  <p>Apparently Thatcham carries its eyes in the back of its head.</p>
+
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="page63" id="page63"></a>[pg 63]</span>
+
+  <div class="figcenter" style="width:100%;">
+      <a href="images/062.png"><img width="100%" src="images/062.png"
+      alt="" /></a>
+    <h3>A SEA-VIEW OF THE SITUATION.</h3>
+
+    <p><font class="sc">Indignant Lodging-House Keeper.</font> "AND TO
+    THINK OF THAT THERE ERIC WANTING TO SQUEEZE THE POOR HOLIDAY-MAKERS
+    BEFORE I GETS AT 'EM."</p>
+  </div>
+<hr class="short" />
+
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="page64" id="page64"></a>[pg 64]</span>
+
+  <div class="figcenter" style="width:100%;">
+      <a href="images/063.png"><img width="100%" src="images/063.png"
+      alt="" /></a>
+    <div class="i16">
+    <p><i>Outraged Batsman.</i> "<font class="sc">Jarge, Oi do believe
+    you'm bowlin' deliberate at moi gammy leg.</font>"</p>
+
+    <p><i>Jarge (feeling that something ought to be said).</i> "<font
+    class="sc">Why, Willyum, Oi thought they was both gammy.</font>"</p>
+    </div>
+  </div>
+<hr />
+
+<h2>ELIZABETH GOES ON HOLIDAY.</h2>
+
+  <p>"Please, 'm, may I go for my 'olidays a week come Thursday?" asked
+  Elizabeth. She was evidently labouring under some strong excitement, for
+  she panted as she spoke and so far forgot herself in her agitation as to
+  take up the dust in the hall instead of sweeping it under the mat.</p>
+
+  <p>"But you promised to go on your holiday when we have ours in
+  September," I protested, aghast. (You will shortly understand the reason
+  of my dismay.) "I don't see how I can possibly manage&mdash;"</p>
+
+  <p>"I'm sorry, 'm, but I <i>must</i> take 'em then," interposed Elizabeth
+  with a horrid giving-notice gleam in her eye which I have learnt to
+  dread. "You see, my young man is 'avin' 'is 'olidays then
+  an'&mdash;an'"&mdash;she drew up her lank form and a look that was almost
+  human came into her face&mdash;"'e's arsked me to go with 'im," she
+  finished with ineffable pride.</p>
+
+  <p>I am aware that this is not an unusual arrangement amongst engaged
+  couples in the class to which Elizabeth belongs; nevertheless I felt it
+  was the moment for judicious advice, knowing how ephemeral are the
+  love-affairs of Elizabeth. No butterfly that flits from flower to flower
+  could be more elusive than her young men. Our district must swarm with
+  this fickle type.</p>
+
+  <p>"Do you think it right to go off on a holiday with a stranger?" I
+  began diffidently.</p>
+
+  <p>"'Im! 'E isn't a stranger," broke in Elizabeth. "'E's my young
+  man."</p>
+
+  <p>"Which young man?"</p>
+
+  <p>"My <i>new</i> young man."</p>
+
+  <p>"But don't you think it would be better if he were not such a new
+  young man&mdash;I mean, if he were an old young
+  man&mdash;er&mdash;perhaps I ought to say you should know him longer
+  before you go away with him. It's not quite the thing&mdash;"</p>
+
+  <p>"Why, wot's wrong with it?" demanded Elizabeth, puzzled. "All the
+  girls I know spends their 'olidays with their young men, an' then it
+  doesn't cost them nothink. That's the best of it. But it's the first time
+  I've ever been arsked," she admitted, "an' I wouldn't lose a charnce like
+  this for anythink."</p>
+
+  <p>Further appeal was useless, and with a sigh I resigned myself to the
+  inevitable; but when, ten days later, Elizabeth departed in a whirl of
+  enthusiasm and brown paper parcels I turned dejectedly to the loathsome
+  business of housework.</p>
+
+  <p>It is a form of labour which above all others I detest. My
+  <i>métier</i> is to write&mdash;one day I even hope to become a great
+  writer. But what I never hope to become is a culinary expert. Should you
+  command your cook to turn out a short story she could not suffer more in
+  the agonies of composition than I do in making a simple Yorkshire
+  pudding.</p>
+
+  <p>My household now passed into a condition of settled gloom. My nerves
+  began to suffer from the strain, and I came gradually to regard Henry as
+  less of a helpmate and more of a voracious monster demanding meals at too
+  frequent intervals. It made me peevish with him.</p>
+
+  <p>He too was far from forbearing in this crisis. In fact we were getting
+  disillusioned with each other.</p>
+
+  <p>One evening I was reflecting bitterly on matters like washing-up when
+  Henry came in. Only a short time before we should have greeted each other
+  cordially in a spirit of <i>camaraderie</i> and affection. Now our
+  conversation was something like this:&mdash;</p>
+
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="page65" id="page65"></a>[pg 65]</span>
+
+  <p><i>Henry (gruffly).</i> Hullo, no signs of dinner yet! Do you know the
+  time?</p>
+
+  <p><i>Me (snappily).</i> You needn't be so impatient. I expect you've
+  gorged yourself on a good lunch in town. Anyhow it won't take long to get
+  dinner, as we are having tinned soup and eggs.</p>
+
+  <p><i>Henry.</i> Oh, damn eggs. I'm sick of the sight of 'em.</p>
+
+  <p>You can see for yourself how unrestrained we were getting. The thin
+  veneer of civilisation (thinner than ever when Henry is hungry) was fast
+  wearing into holes.</p>
+
+  <p>The subsequent meal was eaten in silence. The hay-fever from which I
+  am prone to suffer at all seasons of the year was particularly persistent
+  that evening. A rising irritability engendered by leathery eggs and
+  fostered by Henry's face was taking possession of me. Quite suddenly I
+  discovered that the way he held his knife annoyed me. Further I was
+  maddened by his manner of taking soup. But I restrained myself. I merely
+  remarked, "You have finished your soup, I <i>hear</i>, love."</p>
+
+  <p>Henry, though feeling the strain, had not quite lost his fortitude. My
+  hay-fever was obviously annoying him, but he only commented, "Don't you
+  think you ought to see a doctor about that distressing nasal complaint,
+  my dear?" I knew, however, that he was longing to bark out, "Can't you
+  stop that everlasting sniffing? It's driving me mad, woman."</p>
+
+  <p>How long would it be before we reached that stage of candour? I was
+  brooding on this when the front-door bell rang.</p>
+
+  <p>"You go," I said to Henry.</p>
+
+  <p>"No, you go," he replied. "It looks bad for the man of the house to
+  answer the door."</p>
+
+  <p>I do not know why it should look bad for a man to answer his own door,
+  unless he is a bad man. But there are some things in our English social
+  system which no one can understand. I rose and went to open the
+  front-door. Then my heart leapt in sudden joy. The light from the hall
+  lamp fell on the lank form of Elizabeth.</p>
+
+  <p>"You've come back!" I exclaimed.</p>
+
+  <p>"I suppose you didn't expect to see me inside of a week," she
+  remarked.</p>
+
+  <p>"I didn't; but oh, Elizabeth, I'm so glad to see you," I said as I
+  drew her in. Tears that strong men weep rose to my eyes, while Henry, at
+  this moment emerging from the study, uttered an ejaculation of joy (it
+  sounded like "Thank God!") at the sight of Elizabeth.</p>
+
+  <p>"An' 'ow 'ave you got on while I've bin away?" she inquired, eyeing us
+  both closely. "Did every think go orf orl right?"</p>
+
+  <p>I hesitated. How was I to confess my failures and muddling in her
+  absence and hope to have authority over her in future? Would she not
+  become still more difficult to manage if she knew how indispensable she
+  was? I continued to hesitate. Then Henry spoke. "We've managed
+  admirably," he said. "Your mistress has been wonderful. Her cooking has
+  absolutely surprised me."</p>
+
+  <p>I blessed Henry (the devil!) in that moment. "Thank you, dear," I
+  murmured.</p>
+
+  <p>Then Elizabeth spoke and there was a note of relief in her voice.
+  "Well, I'm reerly glad to 'ear that, as I can go off to-morrer after all.
+  I 'aven't been for my 'oliday yet, like."</p>
+
+  <p>"What do you mean?" I gasped.</p>
+
+  <p>"Well, you see, 'm, my young man didn't turn up at the station, so I
+  went and stayed with my sister-in-law at Islington. She wants me to go
+  with 'er to Southend early to-morrer, but I thort as 'ow I'd better come
+  back 'ere first and see if you reerly could manage without me, for I 'ad
+  my doubts. 'Owever, as everythink's goin' on orl right I can go with an
+  easy mind."</p>
+
+  <p>I remained speechless. So did Henry. Elizabeth went out again into the
+  darkness. There was a long pause, broken only by my hay fever. Then Henry
+  spoke. "Can't you stop that everlasting sniffing?" he barked out. "It's
+  driving me mad, woman."</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+  <div class="figcenter" style="width:66%;">
+      <a href="images/064.png"><img width="100%" src="images/064.png"
+      alt="" /></a>
+    <h3>OUR VILLAGE SOLOMON.</h3>
+
+    <p><i>First Rustic.</i> "<font class="sc">D'ye 'ear old Daddy Smith's
+    cottage was burnt down last night?</font>"</p>
+
+    <p><i>Second Rustic (of matured wisdom).</i> "<font class="sc">I bean't
+    surprised. When I sees the smoke a-coming through the thatch I sez to
+    myself, 'There's seldom smoke without fire.'</font>"</p>
+  </div>
+<hr />
+
+  <blockquote>
+  <p>"<font class="sc">Required</font> an English or French resident
+  governess for children from 30 to 45 years old, having notions of
+  music."&mdash;<i>Standard (Buenos Ayres).</i></p>
+
+  </blockquote>
+  <p>We are glad they have picked up something during their prolonged
+  juvenescence.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="page66" id="page66"></a>[pg 66]</span>
+
+<h2>AUTHORSHIP FOR ALL.</h2>
+
+  <blockquote>
+  <p>[Being specimens of the work of Mr. Punch's newly-established Literary
+  Ghost Bureau, which supplies appropriate Press contributions on any
+  subject and over any signature.]</p>
+
+  </blockquote>
+<p class="center"><font class="sc">IV.&mdash;What's Wrong with the Drama?</font></p>
+
+<p class="center"><i>By Marcus P. Brimston, the gifted producer of "Shoo,
+Charlotte!"</i></p>
+
+  <p>I have been invited to say a few words to readers of <i>The Sabbath
+  Scoop</i> on the alleged decay of the British drama. There is indeed some
+  apparent truth in this allegation. On all sides I hear managers sending
+  up the same old wail of dwindling box-office receipts and houses packed
+  with ghastly rows of deadheads. No "paper" shortage there, at any
+  rate.</p>
+
+  <p>Sometimes these unfortunate people come to me for counsel, and
+  invariably I give them the same admonition, "Study your public."</p>
+
+  <p>There is no doubt that, with a few brilliant exceptions (among which
+  my own present production is happily enrolled), the playhouses have
+  recently struck a rather bad patch. Useless to lay the blame either on
+  the <font class="sc">Chancellor of the Exchequer</font> or on the
+  weather. Give the playgoing public what it wants and no consideration of
+  National Waste or of Daylight Saving will keep it from the theatre.</p>
+
+  <p>And that brings me to my point. Whence comes the playgoing public of
+  to-day, and what does it want?</p>
+
+  <p>From the commercial point of view (and in the long run as in the short
+  all art must be judged by its monetary value) the drama depends for its
+  support on what used to be known as the better-dressed parts of the
+  house. Now-a-days the majority of the paying patrons of these seats come
+  from the ranks of the new custodians of the nation's wealth. These
+  people, who have the business instinct very strongly developed,
+  insistently and very rightly demand value for their money; and the
+  problem is how to give them value as they understand the meaning of the
+  word. My friend Mr. <font class="sc">Arthur Collins</font> gives it to
+  them in sand; but that is a shifting foundation on which to build up a
+  prosperous run.</p>
+
+  <p>Those who, like myself, have studied closely the tastes and
+  intelligence of this new force that is directing the destiny of the
+  modern theatre must have come to the conclusion that the essential factor
+  in dramatic success is "punch," or, as our cross-Atlantic cousins would
+  term it, "pep." The day of anæmic characterisation and subtle dissection
+  of motives is past. The audience (or the only part that really counts)
+  has no desire to be called upon to think; it can afford to pay others to
+  do its thinking for it. There is much to be said for this point of view.
+  The War and its effects (especially the Excess Profits Duty) have imposed
+  on us all far too many and too severe mental jerks; in the theatre we may
+  well forget that we possess such a thing as a mind.</p>
+
+  <p>As a charming and gifted little actress said to me only yesterday, "We
+  want something a bit meatier than the dry old bones of <font
+  class="sc">Ibsen's</font> ghosts." Well, I am out to provide that
+  something; my present success certainly does not lack for flesh.</p>
+
+  <p>In producing <i>Shoo, Charlotte!</i> I have taken several hints from
+  that formidable young rival of the articulate stage known as the Silent
+  Drama. There effects are flung at the spectator's head like balls at a
+  cocoanut; if they fail to register a hit it is the fault of the shier,
+  not of the nut. My aim throughout has been to throw hard and true, so
+  that even the thickest nut is left in no doubt as to the actuality of the
+  impact. <i>Shoo, Charlotte!</i> makes no high-sounding attempt at
+  improving the public taste. As the dramatic critic of <i>The Sabbath
+  Scoop</i> pithily remarked, it is just "one long feast of laughter and
+  <i>lingerie</i>," and its nightly triumph is the only vindication it
+  requires.</p>
+
+  <p>The fundamental mistake of the British drama of to-day lies, in my
+  humble opinion, in its perpetual striving after the unexpected. The
+  public, such as I have described it, fights shy of novel situations; it
+  isn't sure how they ought to be taken. But give it a play where it knows
+  exactly what is going to happen next and you are rewarded with the
+  delighted applause that comes of prophecy fulfilled. The thrill or
+  chuckle of anticipation is succeeded by the shudder or guffaw of
+  realisation. Father nudges Mother and says, "Look, Emma, he's going to
+  fall into the flour-bin." He does fall into the flour-bin, and Father
+  slaps his own or Mother's knee with a roar of triumph. After all, the old
+  dramatic formulæ were not drawn up without a profound knowledge of human
+  nature.</p>
+
+  <p>Let managers take a lesson from these few observations and they will
+  no longer go about seeking an answer to the riddle, "Why did the cocoanut
+  shy?"</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<h2>THE BEST LAID SCHEMES.</h2>
+
+  <blockquote>
+  <p>[A contemporary declares that the side-car stands unrivalled as a
+  matchmaker. It would seem, however, that opinion on the subject is not
+  unanimous.]</p>
+
+  </blockquote>
+  <div class="poem">
+    <div class="stanza">
+      <p>We motored together, the maiden and I,</p>
+      <p class="i2">And I was delighted to take her,</p>
+      <p>For, frankly, I wanted my side-car to try</p>
+      <p class="i2">Its skill as a little matchmaker;</p>
+      <p>Though up to that time I had striven my best,</p>
+      <p class="i2">I'd more than a passing suspicion</p>
+      <p>The spark I was anxious to light in her breast</p>
+      <p class="i2">Still suffered from faulty ignition.</p>
+    </div>
+
+    <div class="stanza">
+      <p>We started betimes in the promptest of styles</p>
+      <p class="i2">For scenes that were rustic and quiet;</p>
+      <p>I opened the throttle; we ate up the miles</p>
+      <p class="i2">(A truly exhilarant diet);</p>
+      <p>Till sharply, as over a common we went,</p>
+      <p class="i2">Gorse-clad (or it may have been heather),</p>
+      <p>The engine stopped short with a tactful intent</p>
+      <p class="i2">To leave the young couple together.</p>
+    </div>
+
+    <div class="stanza">
+      <p>'Twas instinct (I take it) directing my course</p>
+      <p class="i2">That named as my first occupation</p>
+      <p>A fruitless endeavour to track to its source</p>
+      <p class="i2">The cause of this sudden cessation;</p>
+      <p>And so I had tinkered with tools for a space</p>
+      <p class="i2">Ere I thought of my favourite poet,</p>
+      <p>And said to myself, "Lo! the time and the place</p>
+      <p class="i2">And the loved one in unison; go it."</p>
+    </div>
+
+    <div class="stanza">
+      <p>I might have remembered man seldom appears</p>
+      <p class="i2">Alluring in look or in manner</p>
+      <p>With a smut on his nose, oleaginous ears</p>
+      <p class="i2">And frenziedly clutching a spanner;</p>
+      <p>Though down by the cycle I fell to my knees</p>
+      <p class="i2">And ported my heart for inspection,</p>
+      <p>I only received for my passionate pleas</p>
+      <p class="i2">A curt and conclusive rejection.</p>
+    </div>
+  </div>
+
+<hr />
+
+  <blockquote>
+  <p>"Gentlewoman, good family, small means, musical, devoted to parish
+  work, wishes to correspond with clergyman with view to being 'an helpmeet
+  for him.'"&mdash;<i>Church Times.</i></p>
+
+  </blockquote>
+  <p>The <i>Matrimonial News</i> must look to its laurels.</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+  <blockquote>
+  <p>"The Picturedrome, &mdash;&mdash;, and &mdash;&mdash; Cinema, have
+  been acquired by a London Syndicate, in which are several
+  gentlemen."&mdash;<i>Provincial Paper.</i></p>
+
+  </blockquote>
+  <p>We do not profess to know much about the film-trade, but is this so
+  very unusual?</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="page67" id="page67"></a>[pg 67]</span>
+
+  <div class="figcenter" style="width:100%;">
+      <a href="images/066.png"><img width="100%" src="images/066.png"
+      alt="" /></a>
+    <h3>MANNERS AND MODES.</h3>
+
+    <p class="center">POST-WAR SIMPLICITY IN BATHING-GEAR.</p>
+  </div>
+<hr />
+
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="page68" id="page68"></a>[pg 68]</span>
+
+  <div class="figcenter" style="width:50%;">
+      <a href="images/067.png"><img width="100%" src="images/067.png"
+      alt="" /></a>
+    <p><i>Urchin (outside Club).</i> "<font class="sc">I bet it was the
+    fault of 'im on the right</font>."</p>
+  </div>
+<hr />
+
+<h2>WAYS AND MEANS.</h2>
+
+  <p>I have read somewhere that when and/or if railway fares are increased
+  it will cost a man travelling with his wife and two children (the
+  children being half-fares) as much as twenty pounds to take third-class
+  return tickets to St. Ives.</p>
+
+  <p>Presumably this refers to the Cornish St. Ives, and to show how
+  serious the problem will be for quite large families I need only refer my
+  readers to the well-known poetical riddle which is generally supposed to
+  refer to the Cornish St. Ives too. It will be seen at once that in the
+  case of a septuagamist going to or returning from St. Ives with his
+  family the cost will be vastly greater, even if no special luggage rates
+  are leviable for the carriage of excess cats.</p>
+
+  <p>Fortunately there is a much nearer St. Ives in Huntingdonshire, and if
+  I was going to St. Ives at all, with or without encumbrances, I should
+  certainly choose that one. As a matter of fact the Huntingdonshire St.
+  Ives is a very pleasant place indeed, with a lot of red-and-yellow cattle
+  standing about, if one may take the authority of the County Card Game in
+  these matters. It is almost as pleasant as Luton, where there is a fellow
+  in a blue smock with side-whiskers and a reaping-hook, and Leicester,
+  which consists solely of a windmill and a house where <font
+  class="sc">Richard III</font>. slept on the night before the Battle of
+  Bosworth Field. Not a word about <font class="sc">Ramsay
+  Macdonald</font>.</p>
+
+  <p>But we are not talking about <font class="sc">Ramsay Macdonald</font>
+  and the County Card Game; we are talking about Sir <font class="sc">Eric
+  Geddes</font> and his railway fares, and talking pretty sharply too. What
+  is to be done about this monstrous imposition? And how are we going to
+  show the Government that you cannot play about with ozone as you can with
+  margarine and coal? If only all passengers were prepared to act in
+  concert it would be easy enough to bring Sir <font class="sc">Eric</font>
+  to his knees. The best and simplest plan would be for everybody to ask at
+  the booking-office for a half-fare, stating boldly that his or her age
+  was exactly eleven years and eleven months. It might not sound very
+  convincing, of course, even if you had a red-and-black cricket-cap on the
+  back of your head and covered your beard or what not with one hand; but a
+  constant succession of people all demanding the same thing would most
+  certainly cause the booking-clerk to give way. It might occur to him
+  besides that, since so many people insisted on giving their wrong ages
+  for the pleasure of fighting in war-time, they had a perfect right to do
+  the same for the pleasure of travelling in peace-time; and in the case of
+  the women his reputation for gallantry would be imperilled if he had the
+  impudence to doubt their word.</p>
+
+  <p>But would everybody be prepared to take up this strong and reasonable
+  line? I doubt it, and we must turn to the consideration of other
+  economical devices.</p>
+
+  <p>One plan which I do not honestly recommend is travelling under the
+  seats of the railway compartment, like <i>Paul Bultitude</i> in <i>Vice
+  Versa</i>. I say this partly because the accommodation under the seats is
+  not all that it ought to be, and even where there is no heating apparatus
+  a tight fit for large families, and partly because you have to face the
+  possibility that your tickets may be demanded on the platform at the
+  other end. Nor do I favour the method invariably adopted by people in
+  cinema plays, which is to sit on the buffers or the roofs, or conceal
+  yourself among the brakes or whatever they are underneath the carriages.
+  Unless you drop off just before the terminus, which hurts, the same
+  objection arises as in the under-the-seat method; and in any case you are
+  practically certain to be spotted not only by the officials of the
+  railway company concerned but with axle-grease.</p>
+
+  <p>It is of course possible to travel without concealment and without a
+  ticket either, merely discovering with a start of surprise when you are
+  asked for it that you have lost the beastly thing. But this involves
+  acting. It involves hunting with a great appearance of energy and haste
+  in all your pockets, your reticule, your hatband, the turn-ups of your
+  trousers, <i>The Rescue</i> (for you certainly used something as a
+  book-marker) and finally turning out in front of all the other passengers
+  the whole of your note-case, which proves that you cannot have been going
+  to stay at the "Magnificent" after all, and the envelopes of all the old
+  letters which you were taking down to the sea in the hopes of answering
+  them there; and even after that you have to give the name and address of
+  somebody you don't like (say Sir <font class="sc">Eric Geddes</font>) to
+  satisfy the inspector.</p>
+
+  <p>On the whole I think the best way is the one which I mean to adopt
+  myself at the earliest opportunity. Let us suppose that you are going to
+  Brighton. At Victoria Station you will purchase (1) a return ticket to
+  Streatham Common, (2) a platform ticket. The platform ticket entitles you
+  to walk on to the platform from which the Brighton train starts, and,
+  when it is just moving out and all the tickets have been looked at, you
+  will leap on board. This brings you to Brighton, and all you have to do
+  there is to accost the man who takes the tickets in a voice hoarse with
+  fury. "Look here," you will say, "I had an important business engagement
+  at Streatham Common, worth thousands and thousands of pounds to me, and
+  one of your fool porters told me a wrong platform at Victoria. What are
+  you going to do about it?" Now you might think that the porter would
+  reply, "Come off it, Mister; you don't kid me like that," or make some
+  other disappointing and impolite remark; but not a bit of it. Bluster is
+  the thing that pays. First of all he will apologise, and then he will
+  fetch the station-master, and he will apologise too, and after <span
+  class="pagenum"><a name="page69" id="page69"></a>[pg 69]</span> a bit
+  they will offer you a special train back to Streatham Common, probably
+  the one the <font class="sc">King</font> uses when he goes to the
+  seaside. But you will of course refuse to be pacified and wave it away,
+  saying, "Useless, absolutely useless. Now that I am in this awful hole I
+  shall spend the night here. But I shall certainly sue your Company for
+  the amount of the business that I have lost."</p>
+
+  <p>That is what I mean to do, and with slight variations the ruse can be
+  applied to almost any non-stop run. Now that I have given the tip I shall
+  hope to find quite a little crowd of disappointed business men round the
+  station exits at holiday time when and/or if railway fares are
+  increased.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+  <div class="figcenter" style="width:100%;">
+      <a href="images/068.png"><img width="100%" src="images/068.png"
+      alt="" /></a>
+    <div class="i16">
+    <p><i>Racing Tout (arrested the day before).</i> "<font class="sc">Can
+    yer tell me wot won the three-thirty?</font>"</p>
+
+    <p><i>Magistrate</i>. "<font class="sc">Silence!</font>" <i>Tout.</i>
+    "<font class="sc">W'y, there wasn't no such 'orse running.</font>"</p>
+    </div>
+  </div>
+<hr />
+
+<h2>OUR NATURAL HISTORY COLUMN.</h2>
+
+<p class="center"><i>Letters to the Editor.</i></p>
+
+<p class="center"><font class="sc">The Hyde Park Monument</font>.</p>
+
+  <p><font class="sc">Dear Sir</font>,&mdash;The experience of the Parisian
+  scavenger who recently discovered a crocodile in a dustbin encourages me
+  to write to you on a similar subject. I note with profound dismay the
+  proposal to turn Hyde Park into a Zoological Garden. At least this is not
+  an unfair deduction from the scheme to instal a huge python in the
+  neighbourhood of Hyde Park Corner. I do not profess to know much about
+  snakes, but I believe the python is a most dangerous reptile, and I see
+  it stated that the pythons which have just arrived at Regent's Park are
+  "large and vigorous, already active and looking for food." Surely this
+  monstrous suggestion, threatening the safety of the peaceful frequenters
+  of the Park, calls for a national protest. Can it be that the <font
+  class="sc">Premier</font> is at the back of this, as of every invasion of
+  our rights?</p>
+
+<p class="center">Yours faithfully, <font class="sc">Materfamilias</font>.</p>
+
+  <p>P.S.&mdash;My son says it is a pylon, not a python, but that only
+  makes it worse.</p>
+
+<p class="center"><font class="sc">Strange Experience of a Hermit</font>.</p>
+
+  <p><font class="sc">Dear Sir</font>,&mdash;My grandfather, who died in
+  the 'fifties, used to tell a story of a hermit who lived in Savernake
+  Forest, an extraordinarily absent-minded man with a beard of such
+  colossal dimensions that several of the feathered denizens of the forest
+  took up their abode in its recesses. This curious phenomenon was, I
+  believe, commemorated in verse by an early-Victorian poet, but I have not
+  been able after considerable research to trace the reference. I have the
+  honour to remain,</p>
+
+<p class="center">Yours faithfully, <font class="sc">Isidore Tufton</font></p>
+
+  <blockquote>
+  <p>(Author of <i>The Growth of the Moustache Movement, The Topiary Art as
+  applied to Whiskers</i>, and the article on "Pogonotrophy" in <i>The
+  Hairdressers' Encyclopædia</i>).</p>
+
+  </blockquote>
+<p class="center"><font class="sc">Presence of Mind in a Porbeagle</font>.</p>
+
+  <p><font class="sc">Dear Sir</font>,&mdash;The following verses, though
+  not strictly relevant to the crocodile incident, commemorate an
+  occurrence illustrating the extent to which piscine intelligence can be
+  developed in favourable circumstances:&mdash;</p>
+
+  <div class="poem">
+    <div class="stanza">
+      <p>"There was an unlucky porbeagle</p>
+      <p>Who was picked up at sea by an eagle;</p>
+      <p class="i4">On reaching the nest</p>
+      <p class="i4">It began to protest</p>
+      <p>On the ground that the speed was illegal."</p>
+    </div>
+  </div>
+
+<p class="center">I am Sir, Yours faithfully,<br />
+<font class="sc">George Washington Cook</font>.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+  <blockquote>
+  <p>"Lieut.-Commander Kenworthy said it had been advocated in <i>The
+  Times</i>.</p>
+
+  <p>The Premier: I will be prepared to believe anything of <i>The
+  Times</i>, but really I do not tink it has ever suggested
+  tat."&mdash;<i>Daily Mail</i>.</p>
+
+  </blockquote>
+  <p>Mr. <font class="sc">Lloyd George</font> is always ready to give
+  <i>The Times</i> tink-for-tat.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="page70" id="page70"></a>[pg 70]</span>
+
+  <div class="figcenter" style="width:100%;">
+      <a href="images/069.png"><img width="100%" src="images/069.png"
+      alt="" /></a>
+    <p><i>Guest</i> (<i>to Fellow-Guest at garden-party who has offered to
+    introduce her to well-known Socialist</i>). "<font class="sc">I don't
+    think so, thanks. He looks rather fearsome</font>."</p>
+
+    <p><i>Fellow-Guest.</i> "<font class="sc">My dear, he's one of the few
+    decent people here&mdash;belongs to an old English labouring
+    family.</font>"</p>
+  </div>
+<hr />
+
+<h2>I REMEMBER, I REMEMBER.</h2>
+
+  <blockquote>
+  <p>(<i>Carefully imitated from the best models, except that it has
+  somehow got into metre and rhyme.</i>)</p>
+
+  </blockquote>
+  <div class="poem">
+    <div class="stanza">
+      <p>Four-and-ninety English winters</p>
+      <p class="i2">Having flecked my hair with snows,</p>
+      <p>I am ready for the printers,</p>
+      <p class="i2">And my publishers suppose</p>
+      <p>That these random recollections</p>
+      <p class="i2">Of a mid-Victorian male,</p>
+      <p>Owing to my high connections,</p>
+      <p class="i2">Ought to have a fairish sale.</p>
+    </div>
+
+    <div class="stanza">
+      <p>Comrades of my giddy zenith,</p>
+      <p class="i2">Gazing back in retrospect,</p>
+      <p>I should say Lord Brixton (Kenneth)</p>
+      <p class="i2">Had the brightest intellect;</p>
+      <p>Though of course no age enfeebles</p>
+      <p class="i2">James Kircudbright's mental vim</p>
+      <p>(Now the seventh Duke of Peebles)&mdash;</p>
+      <p class="i2">I have lots of tales of Jim.</p>
+    </div>
+
+    <div class="stanza">
+      <p>We were gilded youths together</p>
+      <p class="i2">In our Foreign Office days;</p>
+      <p>Used to fish and tramp the heather</p>
+      <p class="i2">At his uncle's castle, "Braes;"</p>
+      <p>I recall our wild elation</p>
+      <p class="i2">One day when we stole the hat,</p>
+      <p>At the Honduras Legation,</p>
+      <p class="i2">Of a Danish diplomat.</p>
+    </div>
+
+    <div class="stanza">
+      <p>James had scarcely any vices,</p>
+      <p class="i2">His career was made almost</p>
+      <p>When the Guatemalan crisis</p>
+      <p class="i2">Caused him to resign his post;</p>
+      <p>He possessed a Gordon setter</p>
+      <p class="i2">On whose treatment by a vet</p>
+      <p>I once wrote <i>The Times</i> a letter</p>
+      <p class="i2">Which has not been published yet.</p>
+    </div>
+
+    <div class="stanza">
+      <p>Politics were dry and dusty,</p>
+      <p class="i2">Still they had their moods of fun,</p>
+      <p>As, for instance, when the crusty</p>
+      <p class="i2">Yet delightful Viscount Bunn</p>
+      <p>Broke into the Second Reading</p>
+      <p class="i2">Of a Church Endowment Bill</p>
+      <p>With a snore of perfect breeding</p>
+      <p class="i2">Which convulsed the Earl of Brill.</p>
+    </div>
+
+    <div class="stanza">
+      <p>Through my kinship with the Gortons</p>
+      <p class="i2">I was much at Widnes Square;</p>
+      <p>People of the first importance</p>
+      <p class="i2">Often came to luncheon there;</p>
+      <p><font class="sc">Gladstone, Dizzy</font>, even older</p>
+      <p class="i2">Statesmen used to throng the hall;</p>
+      <p><font class="sc">Palmerston</font> once touched my shoulder&mdash;</p>
+      <p class="i2">Which one I do not recall.</p>
+    </div>
+
+    <div class="stanza">
+      <p>Then I went to routs and dances,</p>
+      <p class="i2">Ah, how fine they were, and how</p>
+      <p>Different from the dubious prances</p>
+      <p class="i2">That the young indulge in now;</p>
+      <p>There I first encountered Kitty,</p>
+      <p class="i2">Told the girl I was a dunce,</p>
+      <p>But implored her to have pity,</p>
+      <p class="i2">And she said she would, at once.</p>
+    </div>
+
+    <div class="stanza">
+      <p>Eh, well, well! I must not linger</p>
+      <p class="i2">On those glorious halcyon days;</p>
+      <p>Time with his relentless finger</p>
+      <p class="i2">Brings me to the second phase;</p>
+      <p>Politics were always creeping</p>
+      <p class="i2">Like a ghost across my view&mdash;</p>
+      <p>I contested Market Sleeping</p>
+      <p class="i2">In the Spring of Seventy-Two.</p>
+    </div>
+
+    <div class="stanza">
+      <p><font class="sc">Gladstone</font>&mdash;[No, please not. <font class="sc">Ed</font>.]</p>
+    </div>
+
+    <div class="stanza">
+      <p class="i16"><font class="sc">Evoe</font>.</p>
+    </div>
+  </div>
+
+<hr />
+
+  <blockquote>
+  <p>"<font class="sc">Brighton</font>.&mdash;The &mdash;&mdash;. One
+  minute sea, West Pier, Lawns. Gas fires in beds."&mdash;<i>Advt. in Daily
+  Paper.</i></p>
+
+  </blockquote>
+  <p>Thanks, but we prefer a hot-water bottle.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="page71" id="page71"></a>[pg 71]</span>
+
+  <div class="figcenter" style="width:100%;">
+      <a href="images/070.png"><img width="100%" src="images/070.png"
+      alt="" /></a>
+    <h3>MORAL SUASION.</h3>
+
+    <p><font class="sc">The Rabbit</font>. "MY OFFENSIVE EQUIPMENT BEING
+    PRACTICALLY <i>NIL</i>, IT REMAINS FOR ME TO FASCINATE HIM WITH THE
+    POWER OF MY EYE."</p>
+  </div>
+<hr />
+
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="page73" id="page73"></a>[pg 73]</span>
+
+<h2>ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT.</h2>
+
+  <div class="figcenter" style="width:100%;">
+      <a href="images/071.png"><img width="100%" src="images/071.png"
+      alt="" /></a>
+    <p class="center">THE INCOHERENTS.</p>
+
+    <p>The reply of the Soviet Government to the Spa Conference was
+    described by Mr. <font class="sc">Lloyd George</font> as "incoherent;
+    the sort of document that might be drawn up by a committee composed of
+    Colonel <font class="sc">Wedgwood</font>, Commander <font
+    class="sc">Kenworthy</font>, Lord <font class="sc">Robert Cecil</font>,
+    Mr. <font class="sc">Bottomley</font> and Mr. <font
+    class="sc">Thomas</font>." It is understood that these hon. Members
+    intend to hold an indignation meeting to discuss means&mdash;if
+    any&mdash;of refuting this charge.</p>
+  </div>
+  <p><i>Monday, July 19th.</i>&mdash;Opinions may differ as to the wisdom
+  of the Peers in reopening the <font class="sc">Dyer</font> case, but the
+  large audience which assembled in the galleries, where Peeresses and
+  Indians vied with one another in the gorgeousness of their attire,
+  testified to the public interest in the debate. At first the speakers
+  made no attempt to "hot up" their cold porridge. In presenting General
+  <font class="sc">Dyer's</font> case Lord <font class="sc">Finlay</font>
+  was strong without rage. In rebutting it the <font
+  class="sc">Under-Secretary for India</font> proved himself a grave and
+  reverend <font class="sc">Sinha</font>, without a trace of the
+  provocativeness displayed by his Chief in the Commons. Not until the
+  <font class="sc">Lord Chancellor</font> intervened did the temperature
+  begin to rise. His description of the incident in the Jullianwallah Bagh
+  was only a little less lurid than that of Mr. <font
+  class="sc">Montagu</font>. The Peers would, I think, have liked a little
+  more explanation of how an officer who admittedly exhibited, both before
+  and after this painful affair, "discretion, sobriety and resolution,"
+  should be regarded as having on this one day committed "a tragic error of
+  judgment upon the most conspicuous stage," and may have wondered whether,
+  if the stage had been less conspicuous, the critics would have been more
+  lenient.</p>
+
+  <div class="figright" style="width:33%;">
+      <a href="images/072.png"><img width="100%" src="images/072.png"
+      alt="" /></a>
+    <p>AN ARABIAN KNIGHT AT HOME. <font class="sc">Lord
+    Winterton</font>.</p>
+  </div>
+  <p>For as long as I can remember the French have been <i>partant pour la
+  Syrie</i>. Now they have got there, with a mandate from the Supreme
+  Council, and have come into collision with the Arabs. As we are the
+  friends of both parties the situation is a little awkward. Mr. <font
+  class="sc">Ormsby-Gore</font> hoped we were not going to fight our Arab
+  allies, and was supported by Lord <font class="sc">Winterton</font>, who
+  saw service with them during the War. A diplomatic speech by Mr. <font
+  class="sc">Bonar Law</font>, who pointed out that the French were in
+  Syria on just the same conditions as we were in Mesopotamia, helped to
+  keep the debate within safe limits.</p>
+
+  <p><i>Tuesday, July 20th.</i>&mdash;The Lords continued the <font
+  class="sc">Dyer</font> debate. Lord <font class="sc">Milner</font>
+  confessed that he had approached the subject "with a bias in favour of
+  the soldier," and showed how completely he had overcome it by finally
+  talking about "Prussian methods"&mdash;a phrase that Lord <font
+  class="sc">Sumner</font> characterised as "facile but not convincing."
+  Lord <font class="sc">Curzon</font> hoped that the Peers would not
+  endorse such methods, but would be guided by the example of "Clemency"
+  <font class="sc">Canning</font>. The Lords however, by 129 to 86, passed
+  Lord <font class="sc">Finlay's</font> motion, to the effect that General
+  <font class="sc">Dyer</font> had been unjustly treated and that a
+  dangerous precedent had been established.</p>
+
+  <p>The <font class="sc">First Commissioner of Works</font> was inundated
+  with questions about the pylon and explained that it had been designed by
+  Sir <font class="sc">Frank Baines</font> entirely on his own initiative.
+  Its submission to the Cabinet had never been contemplated, and its
+  exhibition in the Tea Room was due to an hon. Member, who said that a
+  number of people would be interested. Apparently they were.</p>
+
+  <p>Asked if the scheme might be regarded as quite dead, Sir <font
+  class="sc">Alfred Mond</font> replied that he certainly thought so. In
+  fact, to judge by his previous answer, it was never really alive.</p>
+
+  <p>There is still anxious curiosity regarding the increase of railway
+  fares, but when invited to "name the day" Mr. <font class="sc">Bonar
+  Law</font> remained coy. Suggestions for postponements in the interests
+  of this or that class of holiday-maker finally goaded him into asking
+  <span class="pagenum"><a name="page74" id="page74"></a>[pg 74]</span>
+  sarcastically, "Why not until after Christmas?" Whereupon the House
+  loudly cheered.</p>
+
+  <p><i>Wednesday, July 21st.</i>&mdash;Tactful man, Lord <font
+  class="sc">Desborough</font>. In urging the Government to call a
+  Conference to consider the establishment of a fixed date for Easter he
+  supported his case with a wealth of curious information, some of it
+  acquired from the Prayer-book tables, as he said, "during the less
+  interesting sermons to which I have listened." You or I would have said
+  "dull" <i>tout court</i>, and in that case we should not have deserved to
+  receive, as Lord <font class="sc">Desborough</font> did, the almost
+  enthusiastic support of the Archbishop of <font
+  class="sc">Canterbury</font>.</p>
+
+  <p>In spite of this Lord <font class="sc">Onslow</font>, for the
+  Government, was far from encouraging. He quite recognised the drawbacks
+  of the movable Easter, and agreed that it was primarily a matter for the
+  Churches. But he feared the Nonconformists might dissent, and displayed a
+  hitherto unsuspected reverence for the opinion of the Armenians. Besides,
+  what about the Dominions and Labour? And with Europe in such a state of
+  unrest ought we to throw in a new apple of discord? With much regret the
+  Government could not see their way, etc. Whereupon Lord <font
+  class="sc">Desborough</font>, who seems to be easily satisfied, expressed
+  his gratitude and withdrew his motion.</p>
+
+  <p>In an expansive moment Mr. <font class="sc">Montagu</font> once
+  referred to Mr. <font class="sc">Gandhi</font> as his "friend." He did
+  so, it appears, in the hope that the eminent agitator would abandon his
+  disloyal vapourings. But the friendship is now finally sundered. Mr.
+  <font class="sc">Gandhi</font> has been endeavouring to organise a
+  boycott of the <font class="sc">Prince of Wales'</font> visit to India,
+  and, as Mr. <font class="sc">Montagu</font> observed more in sorrow than
+  in anger, "Nobody who suggests disloyalty or discourtesy to the Crown can
+  be a friend of any Member of this House, let alone a Minister."</p>
+
+  <p>If anyone were to take exception to the accuracy of some of the <font
+  class="sc">Prime Minister's</font> historical allusions in his post-Spa
+  oration he would doubtless reply, "I don't read history; I make it." He
+  was tart with the Turks, gratulatory to the Greeks, peevish with the
+  Poles and gentle to the Germans. The German <font
+  class="sc">Chancellor</font> and Herr <font class="sc">von Simons</font>
+  were described as "two perfectly honest upright men, doing their best to
+  cope with a gigantic task." Their country was making a real effort to
+  meet the indemnity; it was not entirely responsible for the delay in
+  trying the war-criminals, and even in the matter of disarmament was not
+  altogether blameworthy. The Bolshevists also were handled more tenderly
+  than usual. Their reply was "incoherent" rather than
+  "impertinent"&mdash;it might have been drawn up by a <font
+  class="sc">Wedgwood-Kenworthy-Cecil-Bottomley-Thomas</font> syndicate.
+  Still they must not be allowed to wipe out Poland, foolish and reckless
+  as the Poles had been.</p>
+
+  <p>A well-informed speech was made by Mr. T. <font
+  class="sc">Shaw</font>, evidently destined to be the Foreign Minister of
+  the first Labour Cabinet. Having travelled in Russia he has acquired a
+  distaste for the Soviet system, both political and industrial, and is
+  confident that no amount of Bolshevist propaganda will induce the British
+  proletarian to embrace a creed under which he would be compelled to
+  work.</p>
+
+  <p><i>Thursday, July. 22nd.</i>&mdash;The Peers held an academic
+  discussion on the League of Nations. Lords <font
+  class="sc">Parmoor</font>, <font class="sc">Bryce</font> and <font
+  class="sc">Haldane</font>, who declared themselves its friends, were
+  about as cheerful as <font class="sc">Job's</font> Comforters; Lord <font
+  class="sc">Sydenham</font> was frankly sceptical of the success of a body
+  that had, and could have, no effective force behind it; and Lord <font
+  class="sc">Curzon</font> was chiefly concerned to dispel the prevalent
+  delusion that the League is a branch of the British Foreign Office.</p>
+
+  <p>The Commons had an equally unappetising bill-of-fare, in which Ireland
+  figured appropriately as the <i>pièce de résistance</i>. Sir <font
+  class="sc">John Rees'</font> well-meant endeavour to furnish some lighter
+  refreshment by an allusion to the Nauru islanders' habit of "broiling
+  their brothers for breakfast" fell a little flat. The latest news from
+  Belfast suggests that in the expression of brotherly love Queen's Island
+  has little to learn from Nauru.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<h2>A SCENE AT THE CLUB.</h2>
+
+  <p>I never liked Buttinbridge. I considered him a vulgar and pushful
+  fellow. He had thrust himself into membership of my club and he had
+  forced his acquaintance upon me.</p>
+
+  <p>I was sitting in the club smoking-room the other day when Buttinbridge
+  came in. His behaviour was characteristic of the man. He walked towards
+  me and said in a loud voice, "Cheerioh, old Sport!"</p>
+
+  <p>I drew the little automatic pistol with which I had provided myself in
+  case of just such an emergency, took a quick aim and fired. Buttinbridge
+  gave a convulsive leap, fell face downwards on the hearthrug and lay
+  quite still. It was a beautiful shot&mdash;right in the heart.</p>
+
+  <p>The room was fairly full at the moment, and at the sound of the shot
+  several members looked up from their newspapers. One young fellow&mdash;I
+  fancy he was a country member recently demobilised&mdash;who had
+  evidently watched the incident, exclaimed, "Pretty shot, Sir!" But two or
+  three of the older men frowned irritably and said, "Sh-sh-sh!"</p>
+
+  <p>Seeing that it was incumbent upon me to apologise, I said, in a tone
+  just loud enough to be audible to all present, "I beg your pardon,
+  gentlemen." Then I dropped the spent cartridge into an ash-tray, returned
+  the pistol to my pocket and was just stretching out my hand to touch the
+  bell when old Withergreen, the <i>doyen</i> of the club, interposed.</p>
+
+  <p>"Pardon me," he said, "I am a little deaf, but almost simultaneously
+  with the fall of this member upon the hearthrug I fancied I heard the
+  report of a firearm. May I claim an old man's privilege and ask if I am
+  right in presuming a connection between the two occurrences, and, if so,
+  whether there has been any recent relaxation of our time-honoured rule
+  against assassination on the club premises?"</p>
+
+  <p>Shouting into his ear-trumpet, I said, "I fired the shot, Sir, which
+  killed the member now lying upon the hearthrug. I did so because he
+  addressed me in a form of salutation which I regard as peculiarly
+  objectionable. He called me 'Old Sport,' an expression used by bookmakers
+  and such."</p>
+
+  <p>"Um! Old Port?" mumbled old Withergreen.</p>
+
+  <p>"<font class="sc">Old Sport</font>," I shouted more loudly. Then I
+  stepped to the writing-table, took a dictionary from among the books of
+  reference, found the place I wanted and returned to the ear-trumpet.</p>
+
+  <p>"I find here," I said, for the benefit of the room at large, for all
+  were now <span class="pagenum"><a name="page75" id="page75"></a>[pg
+  75]</span> listening, though with some impatience, "that in calling me a
+  '<i>sport</i>' the deceased member called me a plaything, a diversion. If
+  he had called me a <i>sportsman</i>, which is here defined as 'one who
+  hunts, fishes or fowls,' he would have been not necessarily more accurate
+  but certainly less offensive."</p>
+
+  <p>At this point there stood up a member whom I recognised as one of the
+  committee. "I am sure, Sir," he said, "that all present are agreed that
+  you fired in defence of the purity of English speech, and that the
+  incident was the outcome of an unfortunate attempt to relieve the
+  financial embarrassment of the club by relaxing our former rigorous
+  exclusiveness. Speaking as one of the committee, I have no doubt that the
+  affair will be dismissed as <i>justifiable homicide</i>."</p>
+
+  <p>Having bowed my acknowledgments I rang the bell. When the waiter
+  appeared I bade him "Bring me a black coffee and then clear away the
+  remains of Mr. Buttinbridge."</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+  <p>Then I was awakened by the voice of Buttinbridge yelling, "Wake up,
+  old Sport!"</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+  <div class="figcenter" style="width:66%;">
+      <a href="images/073.png"><img width="100%" src="images/073.png"
+      alt="" /></a>
+    <p><i>Grocer.</i> "<font class="sc">Now, my man, the butter you brought
+    us last week&mdash;every packet of it weighed only fifteen
+    ounces.</font>"</p>
+
+    <p><i>Farmer's Man.</i> "<font class="sc">Well, to be sure, Sir, we'd
+    lost our one-pound weight; but we took one of your pound packets of tea
+    to weigh it with.</font>"</p>
+  </div>
+<hr />
+
+<h2>THE PECULIAR CASE OF TOLLER.</h2>
+
+  <p>Toller first floated into public notice on the fame of Rodman, who by
+  an irony of fate is now all but forgotten. Rodman, it may be remembered,
+  was a promising young poet during the first decade of this century. Out
+  of a scandalous youth whose verses made their appearance in slim
+  periodicals that expired before their periodicity could be computed, he
+  was evolving into a reputable poet who was given a prominent position
+  facing advertising matter in the heavy magazines when he met with his
+  regrettably early end. Apart from his poems he left no literary remains,
+  except a few letters too hideously ungrammatical for publication. The
+  sole materials for a biography lay in the memory of Toller, who by a
+  stroke of luck happened to have known him intimately.</p>
+
+  <p>By an equal piece of good fortune Toller had taken a course of mind
+  training and his memory was exceptionally retentive. His <i>Life of
+  Rodman</i> achieved instant success, a far greater than <i>Rodman's
+  Collected Works</i>. The undomesticities of a poet's life naturally
+  excite greater interest in the cultured than his utterances on Love,
+  Destiny and other topics on which poets are apt to discourse. Toller,
+  until then a struggling journalist, became all at once a minor literary
+  celebrity, much in demand at conversaziones and places where they
+  chatter. Sympathy for Rodman aroused curiosity which only Toller could
+  satisfy.</p>
+
+  <p>His memory, continually stimulated by questions, gained further in
+  strength. The more he was asked the more he remembered, and so on in a
+  virtuous circle. His Rodmaniana provided him with a comfortable income.
+  He removed from Earl's Court to luxurious chambers off Jermyn Street,
+  from which he poured out article after article on the deceased poet.</p>
+
+  <p>Then suddenly, without warning, probably from overstrain, his memory
+  gave way. Everything in the past, Rodman included, vanished from his
+  mind. A greater calamity one could not conceive. It was as though a
+  violinist had lost a hand, a popular preacher his voice. His livelihood
+  was gone. Much as his babble about Rodman had bored me I could not but
+  feel some sorrow for him, fallen from his little pinnacle of fame and
+  affluence. Judge, then, of my surprise when I passed him about a
+  fortnight ago faultlessly dressed and wearing an air of great prosperity.
+  He showed of course not the smallest recollection of me.</p>
+
+  <p>"How does Toller manage to live?" I asked Cardew, who knows him better
+  than I do.</p>
+
+  <p>"He still writes," was the reply.</p>
+
+  <p>"What&mdash;without a memory?"</p>
+
+  <p>"Yes, he finds it an advantage. You see, since the fusion of the old
+  parties and the formation of new ones, the possession of a memory is
+  often a source of considerable embarrassment to a leader writer. Toller
+  now does the political articles for a prominent morning paper. The
+  proprietors consider him a wonderful find."</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="page76" id="page76"></a>[pg 76]</span>
+
+<h2>BUCKLER'S.</h2>
+
+  <p>To acquire an estate is, even in these days of inflated prices and
+  competitive house-hunters, an easy matter compared with finding a name
+  for it when it is yours. It is then that the real trouble sets in.</p>
+
+  <p>Take the case of my friend Buckler.</p>
+
+  <p>A little while ago he purchased a property, a few acres on the very
+  top of a hill not too far from London and only half-a-mile from his
+  present habitation, and there he is now building a home. At least the
+  plans are done and the ground has been pegged out. "Here," he will say,
+  quite unmindful of the clouds emptying themselves all over us&mdash;with
+  all an enthusiast's disregard for others, and an enthusiast, moreover,
+  who has his abode close by, full of changes of raiment&mdash;"here,"
+  setting his foot firmly in the mud, "is where the dining-room will be.
+  Here," moving away a few yards through the slush, "is the billiard-room."
+  Then, pointing towards the zenith with his stick, "Above it"&mdash;here
+  you look up into the pitiless sky as well as the deluge will
+  permit&mdash;"are two spare rooms, one of which will be yours when you
+  come to see us." And so forth.</p>
+
+  <p>He then leads the way round the place, through brake fern wetter than
+  waves, to indicate the position of the tennis-courts, and in course of
+  time you are allowed to return to the dry and spend the rest of the day
+  in borrowed clothes.</p>
+
+  <p>Everyone knows these Kubla Khans decreeing pleasure domes and
+  enlarging upon them in advance of the builders, and never are they so
+  eloquent and unmindful of rain and discomforts as when their listeners
+  are poor and condemned to a squalid London existence for ever.</p>
+
+  <p>But that is beside the mark. It is the naming of these new country
+  seats that leads to such difficulties.</p>
+
+  <p>That night at dinner the question arose again.</p>
+
+  <p>"As it is on the top of the hill," said a gentle wistful lady, "why
+  not call it 'Hill Top'? I'm sure I've seen that name before. It is
+  expressive and simple."</p>
+
+  <p>"So simple," said Buckler, "that my nearest neighbour has already
+  appropriated it."</p>
+
+  <p>"I suppose that would be an objection," said the lady, and we all
+  agreed.</p>
+
+  <p>"Why not," said another guest, "call it 'The Summit'? or, more
+  concisely, just 'Summit'?"</p>
+
+  <p>"Or why not go further," said a frivolous voice, "and suggest
+  hospitality too&mdash;and Buckler's hospitality is notorious&mdash;by
+  calling it 'Summit-to-Eat'?"</p>
+
+  <p>Our silence was properly contemptuous of this sally.</p>
+
+  <p>"If you didn't like that you might call it 'Summit-to-Drink,'" the
+  frivolous voice impenitently continued. "Then you would get all the
+  Americans there too."</p>
+
+  <p>The voice's glass having been replenished (which, I fancy, was its
+  inner purpose) we became serious again.</p>
+
+  <p>"As it is on the top of the hill," said the first lady, "there will
+  probably be a view. Why not call it, for example, 'Bellevue'? 'Bellevue'
+  is a charming word."</p>
+
+  <p>"A little French, isn't it?" someone inquired.</p>
+
+  <p>"Oh, yes, it's French," she admitted. "But it's all right, isn't it?
+  It's quite nice French."</p>
+
+  <p>We assured her that, for a French phrase, it was singularly free from
+  impropriety.</p>
+
+  <p>"But of course," she said, "there's an Italian equivalent, 'Bella
+  Vista.' 'Bella Vista' is delightful."</p>
+
+  <p>"I passed a 'Bella Vista' in Surbiton yesterday," said the frivolous
+  voice, "and an errand-boy had done his worst with it with a very black
+  lead pencil."</p>
+
+  <p>"What could he do?" the gentle lady asked wonderingly, with big violet
+  eyes distended.</p>
+
+  <p>"It is not for me to explain," said the frivolous voice; "but the
+  final vowel of the first word dissatisfied him and he substituted
+  another. The capabilities of errand-boys with pencil or chalk should
+  never be lost sight of when one is choosing a name for a front gate."</p>
+
+  <p>"I am all at sea," said the lady plaintively. Then she brightened. "Is
+  there no prominent landmark visible from the new house?" she asked. "It
+  is so high there must be."</p>
+
+  <p>Our hostess said that by cutting down two trees it would be possible
+  to see Windsor Castle.</p>
+
+  <p>"Oh, then, do cut them down," said the lady, "and call it 'Castle
+  View.' That would be perfect."</p>
+
+  <p>During the panic that followed I made a suggestion. "The best name for
+  it," I said, "is 'Buckler's.' That is what the country people will call
+  it, and so you may as well forestall them and be resigned to it. Besides,
+  it's the right kind of name. It's the way most of the farms all over
+  England once were named&mdash;after their owners, and where the owner was
+  a man of character and force the name persisted. Call it 'Buckler's' and
+  you will help everyone, from the postman to the strange guest who might
+  otherwise tour the neighbourhood for miles searching for you long after
+  lunch was finished."</p>
+
+  <p>"But isn't it too practical?" the first lady asked. "There's no poetry
+  in it."</p>
+
+  <p>"No," I said, "there isn't. The poetry is in its owner. Any man who
+  can stand in an open field under a July rainstorm and show another man
+  where his bedroom is to be in a year's time is poet enough."</p>
+
+<p class="author">E.V.L.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<h2>TO ISIS.</h2>
+
+  <div class="poem">
+    <div class="stanza">
+      <p>Isis, beside thine ambient rill</p>
+      <p class="i2">How oft I've snuffed the Berkshire breezes,</p>
+      <p>Or, prone on some adjoining hill,</p>
+      <p>Thrown off with my accustomed skill</p>
+      <p class="i2">The weekly fytte of polished wheezes;</p>
+      <p>How oft in summer's languorous days,</p>
+      <p class="i2">With some fair creature at the pole, I</p>
+      <p>Have thrid the Cherwell's murmurous ways</p>
+      <p>And dared with lobster mayonnaise</p>
+      <p class="i2">The onslaughts of Bacillus Coli?</p>
+    </div>
+
+    <div class="stanza">
+      <p>Once&mdash;it was done at duty's call&mdash;</p>
+      <p class="i2">My labouring oar explored thy reaches;</p>
+      <p>They said I was no good at all</p>
+      <p>And coaches noting me would bawl</p>
+      <p class="i2">Things about "angleworms and breeches;"</p>
+      <p>But oh! the shouts of heartfelt glee</p>
+      <p class="i2">That rang on thine astonished marges</p>
+      <p>As we bore (rolling woundily)</p>
+      <p>Full in the wake of Brasenose III.</p>
+      <p class="i2">And bumped them soundly at the barges.</p>
+    </div>
+
+    <div class="stanza">
+      <p>That night on Oxenford there burst</p>
+      <p class="i2">A sound of strong men at their revels,</p>
+      <p>And stroke, in vinous lore unversed,</p>
+      <p>Retired, if you must know the worst,</p>
+      <p class="i2">On feet that swam at different levels,</p>
+      <p>Nor knew till morning brought its cares</p>
+      <p class="i2">That, while the cup was freely flowing,</p>
+      <p>He'd scaled a flight of moving stairs</p>
+      <p>And commandeered his tutor's chairs</p>
+      <p class="i2">To keep the college bonfire going.</p>
+    </div>
+
+    <div class="stanza">
+      <p>Immortal youth it was that bound</p>
+      <p class="i2">Us twain together, beauteous river;</p>
+      <p>And, though these limbs just crawl around</p>
+      <p>That once would scarcely touch the ground,</p>
+      <p class="i2">And alcohol upsets my liver,</p>
+      <p>Still, in a punt or lithe canoe</p>
+      <p class="i2">I can revive my vernal heyday,</p>
+      <p>Pretend the sky's ethereal blue,</p>
+      <p>The golden kingcups' cheery hue,</p>
+      <p class="i2">Spell my, as well as Nature's, Mayday.</p>
+    </div>
+
+    <div class="stanza">
+      <p>The evening glows, the swallow skims</p>
+      <p class="i2">Between the water and the willows;</p>
+      <p>The blackbirds pipe their evening hymns,</p>
+      <p>A punt awaits at Mr. Tims'</p>
+      <p class="i2">With generous tea and lots of pillows,</p>
+      <p>And of all girls the first, the best</p>
+      <p class="i2">To play at youth with this old fossil;</p>
+      <p>Then Isis, as we glide to rest</p>
+      <p>Upon thy shadow-dappled breast,</p>
+      <p class="i2">We'll pledge thee in a generous wassail.</p>
+    </div>
+
+    <div class="stanza">
+      <p class="i16"><font class="sc">Algol.</font></p>
+    </div>
+  </div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="page77" id="page77"></a>[pg 77]</span>
+
+  <div class="figcenter" style="width:100%;">
+      <a href="images/075.png"><img width="100%" src="images/075.png"
+      alt="" /></a>
+    <div class="i16">
+    <p><i>Mistress.</i> <font class="sc">"Did everything come from the
+    Stores that I ordered?</font>"</p>
+
+    <p><i>Maid.</i> "<font class="sc">Everythink, Mum, 'cept the 'addick,
+    which is coming on by itself later.</font>"</p>
+    </div>
+  </div>
+<hr />
+
+<h3>ENGLAND UNBENDS.</h3>
+
+<p class="center"><font class="sc">Reports from Spa and Shore.</font></p>
+
+  <p><font class="sc">Scargate.</font>&mdash;This famous Yorkshire Spa is
+  now in a condition of hectic activity and offers a plethora of
+  attractions. A recent analysis of the waters shows that the proportion of
+  sapid ovaloid particles and sulphuretted trinitrotoluene is larger than
+  ever. Lieutenant Platt-Stithers' stincopated anthropoid orchestra plays
+  four times daily&mdash;in the early morning and at noon for the relief of
+  the water-drinkers, and in the afternoon and evening in the rotating Jazz
+  Hall. Special attractions this week include cinema lectures daily on the
+  domestic life of the Solomon Islanders by Mr. Nicholas Ould; a recital on
+  the Bolophone on Thursday by Mr. Tertius Quodling, and, at the Grand
+  Opera House, <i>Pope Joan</i> and <i>The Flip-Flappers</i>. On Saturday
+  the Stridcar Golf Club will hold a series of competitions in rational
+  fancy dress for the benefit of the Phonetic Spelling Association.</p>
+
+  <p><font class="sc">Fallalmouth.</font>&mdash;Visitors to this romantic
+  resort are offered a wide field of entertainment and moral uplift. The
+  steamer excursions embrace trips up the lovely river Fallal to Gongor,
+  famous for the prehistoric remains of the shrine of Saint Opodeldoc, and
+  to beauty spots in the harbour like Glumgallion, Trehenna and Pangofflin
+  Creek. There are also excursions in armed motor-char-à-bancs to Boscagel,
+  Cadgerack and Flapperack. To-day visitors can view the gardens at
+  Poljerrick, where many super-tropical plants, including man-eating cacti,
+  are growing in the most unbridled luxuriance. There is a fine sporting
+  nine-hole golf-course on the shingle strand at Grogwalloe, where the test
+  of niblick play is more severe than on any links save those of the Culbin
+  Sands near Nairn. Among other attractive features are the brilliant
+  displays of aurora borealis over the Bay, which have been arranged at
+  considerable cost by the Corporation in conjunction with the
+  Meteorological Society.</p>
+
+  <p><font class="sc">Borecambe.</font>&mdash;The demand for
+  bathing-machines and tents continues to increase, though the shopkeepers
+  are complaining of a decreasing spending power on the part of the
+  visitors and a disinclination to pay more than a shilling a head for
+  shrimps. The practice of dispensing with head-gear is also much resented
+  by local outfitters, but otherwise the situation is well in hand. On
+  Monday last Mr. Silas Pargeter, an old resident, caught a fine
+  conger-eel, weighing fifty-six pounds, which he has presented to the
+  Museum. As Borecambe is a good jumping-off ground for the Lake District
+  there are daily char-à-banc excursions to the land of <font
+  class="sc">Wordsworth</font> and <font class="sc">Ruskin</font>, each
+  passenger being supplied with a megaphone and a pea-shooter.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<h3>DOWN CHANNEL.</h3>
+
+  <div class="poem">
+    <div class="stanza">
+      <p>The chime of country steeples,</p>
+      <p class="i2">The scent of gorse and musk,</p>
+      <p>The drone of sleepy breakers</p>
+      <p class="i2">Come mingled with the dusk;</p>
+      <p>A ruddy moon is rising</p>
+      <p class="i2">Like a ripe pomegranate husk.</p>
+    </div>
+
+    <div class="stanza">
+      <p>The coast-wise lights are wheeling</p>
+      <p class="i2">White sword-blades in the sky,</p>
+      <p>The misty hills grow dimmer,</p>
+      <p class="i2">The last lights blink and die;</p>
+      <p>Oh, land of home and beauty,</p>
+      <p class="i2">Good-bye, my dear, good-bye!</p>
+    </div>
+
+    <div class="stanza">
+      <p class="i16"><font class="sc">Patlander.</font></p>
+    </div>
+  </div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<h4>How to be Lonely though Married.</h4>
+
+  <blockquote>
+  <p>"Lonely Officer (married, with three children) wants Sealyham Terrier
+  Dog."&mdash;<i>Times.</i></p>
+
+  </blockquote>
+<hr />
+
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="page78" id="page78"></a>[pg 78]</span>
+
+  <div class="figcenter" style="width:100%;">
+      <a href="images/076.png"><img width="100%" src="images/076.png"
+      alt="" /></a>
+    <p><i>Golfer.</i> "<font class="sc">Let's see&mdash;what's bogey for
+    this hole</font>?"</p>
+
+    <p><i>Caddie</i> (<i>fed up</i>). "<font class="sc">Dinna fash yersel'
+    aboot bogey. Ye've played fufteen an' ye're no deid yet</font>&mdash;
+    (<i>aside</i>) <font class="sc">worse luck</font>."</p>
+  </div>
+<hr />
+
+<h3>MY DROMEDARY.</h3>
+
+  <p>I see by <i>The Times</i> that dromedaries are on sale at sixty-five
+  pounds apiece.</p>
+
+  <p>In these days, when commodities of all kinds are so expensive, one
+  cannot afford to overlook bargains of whatever nature they may be. And it
+  seems to me that a dromedary at sixty-five pounds is really rather
+  cheap.</p>
+
+  <p>For after all sixty-five pounds to-day is little more than thirty
+  pounds in pre-war times. Considering their trifling cost I am surprised
+  that more people do not possess dromedaries. Most of my neighbours during
+  the past two years have built garages, but not one, so far as I am aware,
+  has built a dromedary-drome.</p>
+
+  <p>I think I shall buy one of these attractive pets if my pass-book
+  encourages me. Cheaper than a motor-car and far more intelligent and
+  responsive to human affection, a dromedary will add distinction to my
+  establishment and afford pleasant occupation for my leisure. It brings no
+  attendant annoyance from the Inland Revenue authorities; there are no
+  tiresome registration fees or regulations as to the dimensions of a
+  number-plate.</p>
+
+  <p>As long as I can remember I have lived in a state of uncertainty as to
+  whether a dromedary has two humps and a camel one, or a camel two humps
+  and a dromedary one. With one of these exotic quadrupeds tethered only a
+  few yards away from the kitchen door that condition of doubt need not
+  exist in the future for more than a few moments. In a good light it
+  should be perfectly easy to count the humps or hump. Then again a
+  dromedary will come for a walk on a fine evening without involving one in
+  a dog-fight. It will provide quiet yet healthful exercise for the two
+  children. If it turns out that the type possesses two humps it will be
+  able to convey Edgar and Marigold at one and the same time, thus saving
+  delay and inconvenience.</p>
+
+  <p>It will be a protection to the house. When we have gone to bed the
+  faithful creature will lie on guard in the hall, and no amount of
+  poisoned liver thrust through the letter-box will assuage its ferocity or
+  weaken its determination to protect the hearth and home of its master
+  against marauders. For the dromedary is not only a strict teetotaler and
+  non-smoker, but a lifelong vegetarian. Famous for its browsing
+  propensities, a dromedary about the garden will save untold labour and
+  expense, keeping the lawn trimmed and the hedges clipped. And indoors its
+  height will serve me admirably in enabling me, while seated on its hump
+  or one of its humps, to attend in comfort to a little whitewashing job
+  which will not brook further postponement.</p>
+
+  <p>I will look at my pass-book to-morrow.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<h3>FLOWERS' NAMES.</h3>
+
+  <div class="poem">
+    <div class="stanza">
+      <p class="i8"><font class="sc">Colt's Foot</font>.</p>
+    </div>
+
+    <div class="stanza">
+      <p>When the four Horses of the Sun</p>
+      <p class="i2">Were little leggy things,</p>
+      <p>When they could only jump and run</p>
+      <p class="i2">And hadn't grown their wings,</p>
+      <p>The Sun-God sent them out to play</p>
+      <p>In a field one July day.</p>
+    </div>
+
+    <div class="stanza">
+      <p>Oh, the four Horses of the Sun</p>
+      <p class="i2">They galloped and they rolled,</p>
+      <p>They leapt into the air for fun</p>
+      <p class="i2">And felt so brave and bold;</p>
+      <p>And when they'd done their gallopings</p>
+      <p>They'd grown four splendid pairs of wings.</p>
+    </div>
+
+    <div class="stanza">
+      <p>The Sun-God fetched them in again</p>
+      <p class="i2">To draw his car of gold;</p>
+      <p>But you can still see very plain</p>
+      <p class="i2">Where each one leapt and rolled;</p>
+      <p>For from each hoof-mark, every one,</p>
+      <p>There sprang a little golden sun,</p>
+      <p>And that same little golden flower</p>
+      <p>People call Colt's Foot to this hour.</p>
+    </div>
+  </div>
+
+<hr />
+
+  <blockquote>
+  <p>"The stove will stand by itself anywhere. It omits neither smoke nor
+  smell."&mdash;<i>Provincial Paper.</i></p>
+
+  </blockquote>
+  <p>We know that stove.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="page79" id="page79"></a>[pg 79]</span>
+
+  <div class="figcenter" style="width:100%;">
+      <a href="images/077.png"><img width="100%" src="images/077.png"
+      alt="" /></a>
+    <div class="i16">
+    <p><i>Lady.</i> "<font class="sc">Can you show me something suitable
+    for a birthday present for a gentleman</font>?"</p>
+
+    <p><i>Shopwalker.</i> "<font class="sc">Men's furnishing department on
+    the next floor, Madam</font>."</p>
+
+    <p><i>Lady.</i> "<font class="sc">Well, I don't know. The gift is for
+    my husband</font>."</p>
+
+    <p><i>Shopwalker.</i> "<font class="sc">Oh, pardon, Madam. Bargain
+    counter in the basement</font>."</p>
+    </div>
+  </div>
+<hr />
+
+<h2>OUR BOOKING-OFFICE.</h2>
+
+<p class="center">(<i>By Mr. Punch's Staff of Learned Clerks.</i>)</p>
+
+  <p>Not every regiment has the good luck to find for chronicler one who is
+  not only a distinguished soldier but a practical and experienced man of
+  letters. This fortune is enjoyed by <i>The Gold Coast Regiment</i> (<font
+  class="sc">Murray</font>) in securing for its historian Sir <font
+  class="sc">Hugh Clifford</font>, K.C.M.G., from whose book you may obtain
+  a vivid picture of a phase of the Empire's effort about which the average
+  Briton has heard comparatively little. The very strenuous compaigns of
+  the G.C.R., the endurance and achievements of its brave and light-hearted
+  troops, and the heroism and fostering care of its officers, make an
+  inspiring story. Almost for the first time one gains some real idea of
+  the difficulties of the East African campaign, that prolonged tiger hunt,
+  in which every advantage of mobility, of choice of ground, ambush and the
+  like lay with the enemy; and over very tough physical obstacles, as, for
+  example, rivers so variable that, in the author's incisive phrase, they
+  "can rarely be relied upon, for very long together, either to furnish
+  drinking-water or to refrain from impeding transport." It is interesting
+  to note that Sir <font class="sc">Hugh</font>, while giving every credit
+  to the remarkable personality of the German commander, entirely
+  demolishes the theory, so grateful to our sentimentalists, that the
+  absence of surrenders on the part of the enemy's black troops was due to
+  any devotion to <font class="sc">Von Lettow-Vorbeck</font> as leader; the
+  explanation being the characteristic German dodge of creating from the
+  natives a military caste so highly privileged, and consequently unpopular
+  with their fellows, that surrender, involving return to native civilian
+  life, became a practical impossibility.</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+  <p>Much the best part, and a good best, of <i>Sir Harry</i> (<font
+  class="sc">Collins</font>) is the opening, which is not only delightful
+  in itself but contains almost the sole example of a chapter-long letter
+  (of the kind usually so unconvincing in fiction) in which I have found it
+  possible to believe as being actually written by one character to
+  another. The explanation of which is that this one is supposed to be sent
+  to his wife by the new <i>Vicar of Royd</i>, himself a successful
+  novelist, on a visit of inspection to his future parish. The efforts of
+  <i>Mrs. Grant</i>, at home, to disentangle essential facts from the
+  complications of the literary manner form as pleasant and human an
+  introduction to a story as any I remember. The story itself is one highly
+  characteristic of its author, Mr. <font class="sc">Archibald
+  Marshall</font>, both in charm and truth to life, as also in one minor
+  drawback, of which I have taken occasion to speak before. Nothing could
+  be better done than the picture of the household at Royd Castle, the boy
+  owner, <i>Sir Harry</i>, sheltered by the almost too-encompassing care of
+  the three elder inmates, mother, grandmother and tutor. When the
+  fictionally inevitable happens and an Eve breaks into this protected Eden
+  there follow some boy-and-girl love-scenes that may perhaps remind
+  you&mdash;and what praise could be higher?&mdash;of the collapse of
+  another system on the meeting of <i>Richard</i> and <i>Lucy</i>. I will
+  not anticipate the end of a sympathetically told story, which I myself
+  should have enjoyed even more but for Mr. <font
+  class="sc">Marshall's</font> habit (hinted at above) of following real
+  life somewhat too closely in the matter of non-progressive discussion.
+  How I should like him to lay his next scene in a community of
+  Trappists!</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+  <p><i>The Haunted Bookshop</i> (<font class="sc">Chapman and Hall</font>)
+  is a daring, perhaps too daring, mixture of a browse in a second-hand
+  <span class="pagenum"><a name="page80" id="page80"></a>[pg 80]</span>
+  bookshop and a breathless bustle among international criminals. To
+  estimate the accuracy of its technical details the critic must be a
+  secret service specialist, the mustiest of bookworms and a highly-trained
+  expert in the science and language of the American advertising business.
+  Speaking as a general practitioner, I like Mr. <font
+  class="sc">Christopher Morley</font> best when he is being
+  cinematographic; he hits a very happy mean with his spies and his
+  sleuths, giving a nice proportion of skill and error, failure and
+  success, to both. There is a strong love-interest which will be made much
+  of and probably spoilt by the purchasers of the film-rights; and, though
+  strong men will doubtless applaud hoarsely and women will weep copiously,
+  as the bomb in the bookshop throws the young lovers into each other's
+  arms, I feel that the book gives a more attractive portrait of <i>Titania
+  Chapman</i>, the plutocrat's daughter, than ever can be materialised in
+  the film-man's "close-up." I am afraid that Mr. <font
+  class="sc">Morley</font> will not thank me for praising his brisk
+  melodrama at the cost of his ramblings in literature. But, if he has the
+  knowledge, he lacks the fragrance; not to put too fine a point on it, he
+  is long-winded and tends to bore in his disquisitions upon books and
+  bookishness; which is no proper material for a novelist. The story is all
+  about America and is thoroughly American; inevitably therefore there is
+  some ambitious word-coining. The only novelty which sticks in my memory
+  and earns my gratitude is the title for the female Bolshevik, to wit,
+  Bolshevixen.</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+  <p>Wayward and capricious heroines who marry young are entitled, I think,
+  to a certain amount of introspective treatment by their authors. Without
+  some knowledge of their mental working it is not very easy for the reader
+  to have patience with them. I was introduced to <i>Anne</i> (<font
+  class="sc">Heinemann</font>) when she was fifteen, and in the act of
+  snatching a loaf of bread from a baker's cart and running away with it
+  merely to annoy the baker; and, as she had large blue eyes and two young
+  men as self-appointed guardians, I was prepared for a certain amount of
+  heart trouble later on. One of these heroes she married at the age of
+  seventeen, and, after various innocent but compromising vagaries
+  (including a flight to Paris after the death of her son in order to study
+  art), she followed the other one, still innocently, to Ireland, because
+  he had been in prison and she was sorry for him. Both these guardians
+  discharged their duty to <i>Anne</i> at least as well as <font
+  class="sc">Olga Hartley</font>, who chronicles but does not explain; and
+  this is a pity, for with a rather different treatment she might have made
+  her heroine a very likeable person. Looked at from another point of view,
+  <i>Anne</i> may be taken as a mild piece of propaganda against divorce. I
+  am glad it didn't come to that, of course, but I do feel that a
+  cross-examining K.C. would have discovered a good deal more about Anne's
+  soul for me than I learnt from the writer of her story.</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+  <p><i>John Fitzhenry</i> (<font class="sc">Mills and Boon</font>) is one
+  of those pleasant stories about people who live in big country houses, a
+  subject that seems to have a particular attraction for the large and
+  ungrudging public which lives in villas. We have already several
+  novelists who tell them very ably, and I feel that some one among them
+  has served as Miss <font class="sc">Ella MacMahon's</font> model. The
+  tale deals with the affairs of a showy fickle cousin and a silent
+  constant cousin who compete for the love of the same delightful if rather
+  nebulous young woman, and moves to its <i>dénouement</i>, against a
+  background of the great War, which Miss <font class="sc">MacMahon</font>
+  has very sensibly decided to view entirely from the home front. It
+  contains some fine thinking and some bad writing (the phrase telling of
+  the middle-aged smart woman who "waved her foot impatiently" gives a just
+  idea of the author's occasional inability to say what she means), some
+  quite extraneous incidents and some scenes very well touched in. The
+  people, with a few exceptions, are of the race which inhabits this sort
+  of book, and, as we have long agreed with our novelists that "the county"
+  is just like that, I don't see why Miss <font class="sc">MacMahon</font>
+  should be blamed for it.</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+  <p>Mr. <font class="sc">Cosmo Hamilton</font> lays the scene of <i>His
+  Friend and His Wife</i> (<font class="sc">Hurst and Blackett</font>) in
+  the Quaker Hill Colony of Connecticut, the members of which were
+  typically "nice" and took themselves very seriously. So when one of them
+  brought a divorce suit against her husband there was a feeling that the
+  colony's reputation had been irremediably besmirched. Mr. <font
+  class="sc">Hamilton</font> can be trusted to create tense situations out
+  of the indiscretions of an erring couple, but he also contrives, in spite
+  of its artificial atmosphere, to make us believe in this society, though
+  he tried me rather hard with a scandalmongress of the type we happily
+  meet less often in life than in fiction. I hope he will not be quite so
+  dental in his next book. I didn't so much mind <i>Mrs. Hopper's</i>
+  teeth, which "flashed like an electric advertisement," but when he made
+  two golfers also flash "triumphant teeth" I recoiled.</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+  <p><i>The Golden Bird</i> of Miss <font class="sc">Dorothy Easton</font>
+  (<font class="sc">Heinemann</font>) is indeed lucky to set out on its
+  flight with a favouring pat from Mr. <font class="sc">John
+  Galsworthy</font>. He asserts that these short studies of people and
+  things in England and France are very well done indeed; that moreover,
+  though the short sketch may look, and the bad short sketch may be, one of
+  the easiest of literary feats, the good short sketch is in fact one of
+  the most difficult. Now who should know this if not Mr. <font
+  class="sc">Galsworthy</font>, and who am I that I should presume to
+  disagree? As a matter of fact I don't. Quite the contrary. But naturally
+  I shall get no credit for that. I will only add that Miss <font
+  class="sc">Easton</font> has not a majority mind, that she sees the sad
+  thing more easily than the gay, that I like her work best in her more
+  objective moods, and that, like so many writers of perception, she finds
+  the quintessence of England's beauty in happy Sussex.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+  <div class="figcenter" style="width:50%;">
+      <a href="images/078.png"><img width="100%" src="images/078.png"
+      alt="" /></a>
+    <p class="center">IN OLD VERSAILLES.</p>
+
+    <p><i>Mother.</i> "<font class="sc">Good news, my son! Even as I
+    pondered whether I should eat our last crust the ever-kind Abbé called
+    to say he had found thee a highly-paid appointment at
+    Court</font>."</p>
+
+    <p><i>Son.</i> "<font class="sc">Yes&mdash;but did he tell you it was
+    as Food-Taster to His Majesty, who daily expects to be
+    poisoned</font>?"</p>
+  </div>
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+<pre>
+
+
+
+
+
+End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol.
+159, July 28th, 1920, by Various
+
+*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH ***
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+</pre>
+
+</body>
+</html>
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@@ -0,0 +1,2124 @@
+The Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 159,
+July 28th, 1920, by Various
+
+This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with
+almost no restrictions whatsoever.  You may copy it, give it away or
+re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included
+with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org
+
+
+Title: Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 159, July 28th, 1920
+
+Author: Various
+
+Release Date: August 29, 2005 [EBook #16619]
+
+Language: English
+
+Character set encoding: ASCII
+
+*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH ***
+
+
+
+
+Produced by Jonathan Ingram, Keith Edkins and the Online
+Distributed Proofreading Team at https://www.pgdp.net
+
+
+
+
+
+PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
+
+VOL. 159.
+
+
+
+July 28th, 1920.
+
+
+
+
+CHARIVARIA.
+
+"The public will not stand for increased railway fares," says a
+contemporary. They have had too much standing at the old prices.
+
+* * *
+
+A Mile End man writes to _The Daily Express_ to say that one of his ducks
+laid four eggs in one day. It seems about the most sensible thing the bird
+could have done with them.
+
+* * *
+
+As a result of the recent Tube extension, passengers can now travel from
+the Bank to Ealing in thirty-five minutes. It is further claimed that the
+route passes under some of the most beautiful scenery in England.
+
+* * *
+
+Mersey shipyard workers have made a demand on their employers for five
+pounds ten shillings a week when not working and seven pounds a week when
+working. This proposal to discriminate between the men who work and those
+who don't is condemned in more advanced trade union circles as savouring
+dangerously of capitalism.
+
+* * *
+
+"One evening at Covent Garden," says M. ABEL HERMANT in _Le Temps_, "will
+teach more correct behaviour than six months' lessons from a certified
+professor of etiquette." Opinion among the smart set is divided as to
+whether he means Covent Garden Theatre or Covent Garden Market.
+
+* * *
+
+The Bolshevists in Petrograd are finding a difficulty in the appointment of
+a public executioner. This is just the chance for a man who wants a nice
+steady job.
+
+* * *
+
+On looking up our diary we find that the MAD MULLAH is just about due to be
+killed again. We wonder if anything is being done in the matter.
+
+* * *
+
+A German merchant is anxious to get into touch with a big stamp-dealer in
+this country. Our feeling is that the POSTMASTER-GENERAL is the man he
+wants.
+
+* * *
+
+We are asked to deny the rumour that Sir PHILIP SASSOON has been appointed
+touring manager to the Peace Conference.
+
+* * *
+
+A Newbury man has succeeded in breeding pink-coated tame rats. It is said
+that the Prohibitionists hope to exterminate these, as they did the green
+ones.
+
+* * *
+
+A blunder of thirty million pounds in the estimates for British operations
+in Russia is revealed in a White Paper. It is expected that the Government
+will bequeath it to the nation.
+
+* * *
+
+Owing to the high cost of material we understand that a certain pill is
+to-day worth L1 11s. 6d. a box.
+
+* * *
+
+The Sinn Feiners now threaten to capture one of our new battleships. We
+sincerely hope that the Government will place a caretaker on board each of
+our most valuable Dreadnoughts.
+
+* * *
+
+A Lanarkshire magistrate the other day doubted whether a miner could
+remember details of an accident which happened two years ago. It is said
+that the miner had vivid recollections of the affair as it happened to be
+the day he was at work.
+
+* * *
+
+It is urged that all taxi-cabs should have a cowcatcher in front in case of
+accidents. We gather that the drivers are quite willing provided they are
+allowed to charge for anyone they pick up as an "extra."
+
+* * *
+
+It is reported that the muzzling order may come into force again in South
+Wales. We understand that a dog which thoughtlessly attempted to bark in
+Welsh in the main street of Cardiff was responsible for the belief that
+rabies had broken out again.
+
+* * *
+
+During a brass-band contest a few days ago three members of the winning
+band were taken ill just after they had finished playing. It was at first
+feared that they had overblown themselves.
+
+* * *
+
+"A true lover of nature is nowadays very hard to find," complains a writer
+in a Nature journal. Yet we know a golfer who always shouts "Fore!" on
+slicing a ball into a spinney.
+
+* * *
+
+The two African lions which escaped from the Zoo in Portugal have not yet
+been captured, and were last seen near the border-line of Switzerland. It
+is thought that they are endeavouring to walk across Europe as a reprisal
+for the flight across Africa by two Europeans.
+
+* * *
+
+The Dublin Trades Council called a one-day strike last week "to secure the
+release of Mr. JAMES LARKIN." So successful was the strike, we understand,
+that the United States authorities have decided that the presence of Mr.
+LARKIN at forthcoming celebrations of a similar character would be quite
+superfluous.
+
+* * *
+
+Speaking to an audience of miners at Morpeth Mr. RAMSAY MACDONALD said he
+dreamed of a time when the miners would govern the country. Not even the
+miners, on the other hand, would dream of letting Mr. RAMSAY MACDONALD
+govern it.
+
+* * *
+
+"Does the Government realise," asks a newspaper correspondent, "that as
+regards the situation in Ireland we are on the edge of a crater or with a
+thunderbolt over our heads?" We rather imagine that the Government, like
+the writer, isn't quite sure which.
+
+* * *
+
+Oswestry Guardians have accepted an offer to supply Bibles to tramps. This
+is the first occasion on which the current belief that the tramp class is
+nowadays being recruited largely from the ranks of the minor clergy has
+received formal recognition.
+
+* * *
+
+A bricklayer has been summoned for not sending his son to school. It
+appears that the father, finding his boy could count up to twenty and
+wishing him to follow his own occupation, thought further schooling
+unnecessary.
+
+* * *
+
+"When the country really understands the need of the Government," says an
+essayist, "we shall travel far." But not at twopence a mile, thank you.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: TRUE POLITENESS.
+
+"YOUR EEL, I THINK, SIR?"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A CRIMINAL TYPE.
+
+To-day I am MAKing aN inno6Lvation. as you mayalready have gessed, I am
+typlng this article myself Zz1/2lnstead of writing it, The idea is to save
+time and exvBKpense, also to demonstyap demonBTrike= =damn, to demonstratO
+that I can type /ust as well as any blessedgirl 1f I give my mInd to iT""
+Typlng while you compose is realy extraoraordinarrily easy, though
+composing whilr you typE is more difficult. I rather think my typing style
+is going to be different froM my u6sual style, but Idaresay noone will mind
+that much. looking back i see that we made rather a hash of that awfuul
+wurd extraorordinnaryk? in the middle of a woRd like thaton N-e gets quite
+lost? 2hy do I keep putting questionmarks instead of fulstopSI wonder. Now
+you see i have put a fulllstop instead Of a question mark it nevvvver reins
+but it pours.
+
+the typewriter to me has always been a musteryL? and even now that I have
+gained a perfect mastery over the machine in gront of me i have npt th3
+faintest idea hoW it workss% &or instance why does the thingonthetop the
+klnd of overhead Wailway arrrangement move along one pace afterr every
+word; I haVe exam@aaa ined the mechanism from all points of view but there
+seeems to be noreason atall whyit shouould do tLis . damn that L, it keeps
+butting in: it is Just lik real life. then there are all kinds oF
+attractive devisesand levers andbuttons of which is amanvel in itself, and
+does somethI5g useful without lettin on how it does iT.
+
+Forinstance on this machinE which is A mi/et a mijge7 imean a mi/dgt, made
+of alumium,, and very light sothat you caN CARRY it about on your Lolidays
+(there is that L again) and typeout your poems onthe Moon immmmediately,
+and there is onely one lot of keys for capITals and ordinay latters; when
+you want todoa Capital you press down a special key marked cap i mean CAP
+with the lefft hand and yo7 press down the letter withthe other, like that
+abcd, no, ABCDEFG . how jolly that looks . as a mattr of fact th is takes a
+little gettingintoas all the letters on the keys are printed incapitals so
+now and then one forgets topress downthe SPecial capit al key. not often,
+though. on the other hand onceone Las got it down and has written anice nam
+e in capitals like LLOYdgeORGE IT IS VERY DIFFICULT TO REmemBER TO PUT IT
+DOWN AGAIN ANDTHE N YOU GET THIS SORT OF THING WICH SPOILS THE LOOOK OF THE
+HOLE PAGE . or els insted of preSSing down the key marked CAP onepresses
+down the key m arked FIG and then insted of LLOYDGEORGE you find that you
+have written 1/21/296% :394:3. this is very dissheartening and Lt is no wonder
+that typists are sooften sououred in ther youth.
+
+Apart fromthat though the key marked FIG is rather fun, since you can rite
+such amusing things withit, things like % and [Symbol: face] and dear old &
+not to mention = and 1/4 and 3/4 and!!! i find that inones ordinarry (i never
+get that word right) cor orrespondenLc one doesn't use expressions like @@
+and % % % nearly enough. typewriting gives you a new ideaof possibilities
+of the engliLh language; thE more i look at % the more beautiful it seems
+to Be: and like the simple flowers of england itis perLaps most beautiLul
+when seeen in the masss, Look atit
+
+  % % % % % % % % % % % %
+  % % % % % % % % % % % %
+  % % % % % % % % % % % %
+  % % % % % % % % % % % %
+
+how would thatdo for a BAThrooM wallpaper? it could be produced verery
+cheaply and itcould be calld the CHER RYdesigN damn, imeant to put all that
+in capitals. iam afraid this articleis spoilt now but butt bUt curse . But
+perhaps the most excitingthing aLout this macLine is that you can by
+presssing alittle switch suddenly writein redor green instead of in black;
+I donvt understanh how Lt is done butit is very jollY? busisisness men us e
+the device a gre t deal wen writing to their membersof PARLIAment, in order
+to emphasasise the pointin wich theLr inLustice is worSe than anyone elses
+inLustice . wen they come to WE ARE RUINED they burst out into red and wen
+they come to WE w WOULD remIND YOU tHAT ATtHE LAST ELECTION yoU UNDERTOOk
+they burst into GReeN. thei r typists must enjoy doing those letters. with
+this arrang ment of corse one coul d do allkinds of capital wallpapers. for
+|nstance wat about a scheme of red L's and black %'s and gReen &'s? this
+sort of thing
+
+  L % L % L % L % L %
+  & L & L & L & L & L
+  L % L % L % L % L %
+  & L & L & L & L & L
+
+Manya poor man would be glad to Lave that in his parLour ratherthan wat he
+has got now. of corse, you wont be ab?e to apreciate the fulll bauty of the
+design since i underst and that the retched paper which is going to print
+this has no redink and no green inq either; so you must Lust immagine that
+the L's are red and the &'s are green. it is extroarordinarry (wat a t
+erribleword!!!) how backward in MAny waYs these uptodate papers are
+wwww1/41/41/41/41/41/41/2=3/4 now how did that happen i wond er; i was experimenting with
+the BACK SPACE key; if that is wat it is for i dont thinq i shall use it
+again. iI wonder if i am impriving at this1/2 sometimes i thinq i am and so
+metimes i thinq iam not . we have not had so many L's lately but i notice
+that theere have been one or two misplaced q's & icannot remember to write
+i in capital s there it goes again.
+
+Of curse the typewriter itself is not wolly giltless 1/2ike all mac&ines it
+has amind of it sown and is of like passsions with ourselves. i could put
+that into greek if only the machine was not so hopelessly MOdern. it 's
+chief failing is that it cannot write m'sdecently and instead of h it will
+keep putting that confounded L. as amatter of fact ithas been doing m's
+rather better today butthat is only its cusssedussedness and because i have
+been opening my shoul ders wenever we have come to an m; or should it be A
+m? who can tell; little peculiuliarities like making indifferent m's are
+very important & wLen one is bying a typewiter one sLould make careful
+enquiries about themc; because it is things of that sort wich so often give
+criminals away. there is notHing a detective likes so much as a type riter
+with an idiosxz an idioynq damit an idiotyncrasy . for instance if i commit
+a murder i sLould not thinq of writing a litter about it with this of all
+typewriters becusa because that fool ofa L would give me away at once I
+daresay scotland Yard have got specimens of my trypewriting locked up in
+some pigeonhole allready. if they Lavent they ought to; it ought to be part
+of my dosossier.
+
+i thing the place of the hypewriter in ART is inshufficiently apreciated.
+Modern art i understand is chiefly sumbolical expression and straigt lines.
+a typwritr can do strait lines with the under lining mark) and there are
+few more atractive symbols thaN the symbols i have used in this articel; i
+merely thro out the sugestion
+
+I dont tkink i shal do many more articles like this it is tooo much like
+work? but I am glad I have got out of that L habit;
+
+A.P.L.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "PRISON FOR FLAT LANDLORDS."--_Evening Paper._
+
+Good. But is nothing going to be done about the landlords with round
+figures?
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "With favourable weather, Thatcham can look forward to a pre-war show
+    this year."--_Local Paper._
+
+Apparently Thatcham carries its eyes in the back of its head.
+
+[Illustration: A SEA-VIEW OF THE SITUATION.
+
+INDIGNANT LODGING-HOUSE KEEPER. "AND TO THINK OF THAT THERE ERIC WANTING TO
+SQUEEZE THE POOR HOLIDAY-MAKERS BEFORE I GETS AT 'EM."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Outraged Batsman._ "JARGE, OI DO BELIEVE YOU'M BOWLIN'
+DELIBERATE AT MOI GAMMY LEG."
+
+_Jarge (feeling that something ought to be said)._ "WHY, WILLYUM, OI
+THOUGHT THEY WAS BOTH GAMMY."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+ELIZABETH GOES ON HOLIDAY.
+
+"Please, 'm, may I go for my 'olidays a week come Thursday?" asked
+Elizabeth. She was evidently labouring under some strong excitement, for
+she panted as she spoke and so far forgot herself in her agitation as to
+take up the dust in the hall instead of sweeping it under the mat.
+
+"But you promised to go on your holiday when we have ours in September," I
+protested, aghast. (You will shortly understand the reason of my dismay.)
+"I don't see how I can possibly manage--"
+
+"I'm sorry, 'm, but I _must_ take 'em then," interposed Elizabeth with a
+horrid giving-notice gleam in her eye which I have learnt to dread. "You
+see, my young man is 'avin' 'is 'olidays then an'--an'"--she drew up her
+lank form and a look that was almost human came into her face--"'e's arsked
+me to go with 'im," she finished with ineffable pride.
+
+I am aware that this is not an unusual arrangement amongst engaged couples
+in the class to which Elizabeth belongs; nevertheless I felt it was the
+moment for judicious advice, knowing how ephemeral are the love-affairs of
+Elizabeth. No butterfly that flits from flower to flower could be more
+elusive than her young men. Our district must swarm with this fickle type.
+
+"Do you think it right to go off on a holiday with a stranger?" I began
+diffidently.
+
+"'Im! 'E isn't a stranger," broke in Elizabeth. "'E's my young man."
+
+"Which young man?"
+
+"My _new_ young man."
+
+"But don't you think it would be better if he were not such a new young
+man--I mean, if he were an old young man--er--perhaps I ought to say you
+should know him longer before you go away with him. It's not quite the
+thing--"
+
+"Why, wot's wrong with it?" demanded Elizabeth, puzzled. "All the girls I
+know spends their 'olidays with their young men, an' then it doesn't cost
+them nothink. That's the best of it. But it's the first time I've ever been
+arsked," she admitted, "an' I wouldn't lose a charnce like this for
+anythink."
+
+Further appeal was useless, and with a sigh I resigned myself to the
+inevitable; but when, ten days later, Elizabeth departed in a whirl of
+enthusiasm and brown paper parcels I turned dejectedly to the loathsome
+business of housework.
+
+It is a form of labour which above all others I detest. My _metier_ is to
+write--one day I even hope to become a great writer. But what I never hope
+to become is a culinary expert. Should you command your cook to turn out a
+short story she could not suffer more in the agonies of composition than I
+do in making a simple Yorkshire pudding.
+
+My household now passed into a condition of settled gloom. My nerves began
+to suffer from the strain, and I came gradually to regard Henry as less of
+a helpmate and more of a voracious monster demanding meals at too frequent
+intervals. It made me peevish with him.
+
+He too was far from forbearing in this crisis. In fact we were getting
+disillusioned with each other.
+
+One evening I was reflecting bitterly on matters like washing-up when Henry
+came in. Only a short time before we should have greeted each other
+cordially in a spirit of _camaraderie_ and affection. Now our conversation
+was something like this:--
+
+_Henry (gruffly)._ Hullo, no signs of dinner yet! Do you know the time?
+
+_Me (snappily)._ You needn't be so impatient. I expect you've gorged
+yourself on a good lunch in town. Anyhow it won't take long to get dinner,
+as we are having tinned soup and eggs.
+
+_Henry._ Oh, damn eggs. I'm sick of the sight of 'em.
+
+You can see for yourself how unrestrained we were getting. The thin veneer
+of civilisation (thinner than ever when Henry is hungry) was fast wearing
+into holes.
+
+The subsequent meal was eaten in silence. The hay-fever from which I am
+prone to suffer at all seasons of the year was particularly persistent that
+evening. A rising irritability engendered by leathery eggs and fostered by
+Henry's face was taking possession of me. Quite suddenly I discovered that
+the way he held his knife annoyed me. Further I was maddened by his manner
+of taking soup. But I restrained myself. I merely remarked, "You have
+finished your soup, I _hear_, love."
+
+Henry, though feeling the strain, had not quite lost his fortitude. My
+hay-fever was obviously annoying him, but he only commented, "Don't you
+think you ought to see a doctor about that distressing nasal complaint, my
+dear?" I knew, however, that he was longing to bark out, "Can't you stop
+that everlasting sniffing? It's driving me mad, woman."
+
+How long would it be before we reached that stage of candour? I was
+brooding on this when the front-door bell rang.
+
+"You go," I said to Henry.
+
+"No, you go," he replied. "It looks bad for the man of the house to answer
+the door."
+
+I do not know why it should look bad for a man to answer his own door,
+unless he is a bad man. But there are some things in our English social
+system which no one can understand. I rose and went to open the front-door.
+Then my heart leapt in sudden joy. The light from the hall lamp fell on the
+lank form of Elizabeth.
+
+"You've come back!" I exclaimed.
+
+"I suppose you didn't expect to see me inside of a week," she remarked.
+
+"I didn't; but oh, Elizabeth, I'm so glad to see you," I said as I drew her
+in. Tears that strong men weep rose to my eyes, while Henry, at this moment
+emerging from the study, uttered an ejaculation of joy (it sounded like
+"Thank God!") at the sight of Elizabeth.
+
+"An' 'ow 'ave you got on while I've bin away?" she inquired, eyeing us both
+closely. "Did every think go orf orl right?"
+
+I hesitated. How was I to confess my failures and muddling in her absence
+and hope to have authority over her in future? Would she not become still
+more difficult to manage if she knew how indispensable she was? I continued
+to hesitate. Then Henry spoke. "We've managed admirably," he said. "Your
+mistress has been wonderful. Her cooking has absolutely surprised me."
+
+I blessed Henry (the devil!) in that moment. "Thank you, dear," I murmured.
+
+Then Elizabeth spoke and there was a note of relief in her voice. "Well,
+I'm reerly glad to 'ear that, as I can go off to-morrer after all. I
+'aven't been for my 'oliday yet, like."
+
+"What do you mean?" I gasped.
+
+"Well, you see, 'm, my young man didn't turn up at the station, so I went
+and stayed with my sister-in-law at Islington. She wants me to go with 'er
+to Southend early to-morrer, but I thort as 'ow I'd better come back 'ere
+first and see if you reerly could manage without me, for I 'ad my doubts.
+'Owever, as everythink's goin' on orl right I can go with an easy mind."
+
+I remained speechless. So did Henry. Elizabeth went out again into the
+darkness. There was a long pause, broken only by my hay fever. Then Henry
+spoke. "Can't you stop that everlasting sniffing?" he barked out. "It's
+driving me mad, woman."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: OUR VILLAGE SOLOMON.
+
+_First Rustic._ "D'YE 'EAR OLD DADDY SMITH'S COTTAGE WAS BURNT DOWN LAST
+NIGHT?"
+
+_Second Rustic (of matured wisdom)._ "I BEAN'T SURPRISED. WHEN I SEES THE
+SMOKE A-COMING THROUGH THE THATCH I SEZ TO MYSELF, 'THERE'S SELDOM SMOKE
+WITHOUT FIRE.'"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "REQUIRED an English or French resident governess for children from 30
+    to 45 years old, having notions of music."--_Standard (Buenos Ayres)._
+
+We are glad they have picked up something during their prolonged
+juvenescence.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+AUTHORSHIP FOR ALL.
+
+    [Being specimens of the work of Mr. Punch's newly-established Literary
+    Ghost Bureau, which supplies appropriate Press contributions on any
+    subject and over any signature.]
+
+IV.--WHAT'S WRONG WITH THE DRAMA?
+
+_By Marcus P. Brimston, the gifted producer of "Shoo, Charlotte!"_
+
+I have been invited to say a few words to readers of _The Sabbath Scoop_ on
+the alleged decay of the British drama. There is indeed some apparent truth
+in this allegation. On all sides I hear managers sending up the same old
+wail of dwindling box-office receipts and houses packed with ghastly rows
+of deadheads. No "paper" shortage there, at any rate.
+
+Sometimes these unfortunate people come to me for counsel, and invariably I
+give them the same admonition, "Study your public."
+
+There is no doubt that, with a few brilliant exceptions (among which my own
+present production is happily enrolled), the playhouses have recently
+struck a rather bad patch. Useless to lay the blame either on the
+CHANCELLOR OF THE EXCHEQUER or on the weather. Give the playgoing public
+what it wants and no consideration of National Waste or of Daylight Saving
+will keep it from the theatre.
+
+And that brings me to my point. Whence comes the playgoing public of
+to-day, and what does it want?
+
+From the commercial point of view (and in the long run as in the short all
+art must be judged by its monetary value) the drama depends for its support
+on what used to be known as the better-dressed parts of the house.
+Now-a-days the majority of the paying patrons of these seats come from the
+ranks of the new custodians of the nation's wealth. These people, who have
+the business instinct very strongly developed, insistently and very rightly
+demand value for their money; and the problem is how to give them value as
+they understand the meaning of the word. My friend Mr. ARTHUR COLLINS gives
+it to them in sand; but that is a shifting foundation on which to build up
+a prosperous run.
+
+Those who, like myself, have studied closely the tastes and intelligence of
+this new force that is directing the destiny of the modern theatre must
+have come to the conclusion that the essential factor in dramatic success
+is "punch," or, as our cross-Atlantic cousins would term it, "pep." The day
+of anaemic characterisation and subtle dissection of motives is past. The
+audience (or the only part that really counts) has no desire to be called
+upon to think; it can afford to pay others to do its thinking for it. There
+is much to be said for this point of view. The War and its effects
+(especially the Excess Profits Duty) have imposed on us all far too many
+and too severe mental jerks; in the theatre we may well forget that we
+possess such a thing as a mind.
+
+As a charming and gifted little actress said to me only yesterday, "We want
+something a bit meatier than the dry old bones of IBSEN'S ghosts." Well, I
+am out to provide that something; my present success certainly does not
+lack for flesh.
+
+In producing _Shoo, Charlotte!_ I have taken several hints from that
+formidable young rival of the articulate stage known as the Silent Drama.
+There effects are flung at the spectator's head like balls at a cocoanut;
+if they fail to register a hit it is the fault of the shier, not of the
+nut. My aim throughout has been to throw hard and true, so that even the
+thickest nut is left in no doubt as to the actuality of the impact. _Shoo,
+Charlotte!_ makes no high-sounding attempt at improving the public taste.
+As the dramatic critic of _The Sabbath Scoop_ pithily remarked, it is just
+"one long feast of laughter and _lingerie_," and its nightly triumph is the
+only vindication it requires.
+
+The fundamental mistake of the British drama of to-day lies, in my humble
+opinion, in its perpetual striving after the unexpected. The public, such
+as I have described it, fights shy of novel situations; it isn't sure how
+they ought to be taken. But give it a play where it knows exactly what is
+going to happen next and you are rewarded with the delighted applause that
+comes of prophecy fulfilled. The thrill or chuckle of anticipation is
+succeeded by the shudder or guffaw of realisation. Father nudges Mother and
+says, "Look, Emma, he's going to fall into the flour-bin." He does fall
+into the flour-bin, and Father slaps his own or Mother's knee with a roar
+of triumph. After all, the old dramatic formulae were not drawn up without a
+profound knowledge of human nature.
+
+Let managers take a lesson from these few observations and they will no
+longer go about seeking an answer to the riddle, "Why did the cocoanut
+shy?"
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE BEST LAID SCHEMES.
+
+    [A contemporary declares that the side-car stands unrivalled as a
+    matchmaker. It would seem, however, that opinion on the subject is not
+    unanimous.]
+
+  We motored together, the maiden and I,
+    And I was delighted to take her,
+  For, frankly, I wanted my side-car to try
+    Its skill as a little matchmaker;
+  Though up to that time I had striven my best,
+    I'd more than a passing suspicion
+  The spark I was anxious to light in her breast
+    Still suffered from faulty ignition.
+
+  We started betimes in the promptest of styles
+    For scenes that were rustic and quiet;
+  I opened the throttle; we ate up the miles
+    (A truly exhilarant diet);
+  Till sharply, as over a common we went,
+    Gorse-clad (or it may have been heather),
+  The engine stopped short with a tactful intent
+    To leave the young couple together.
+
+  'Twas instinct (I take it) directing my course
+    That named as my first occupation
+  A fruitless endeavour to track to its source
+    The cause of this sudden cessation;
+  And so I had tinkered with tools for a space
+    Ere I thought of my favourite poet,
+  And said to myself, "Lo! the time and the place
+    And the loved one in unison; go it."
+
+  I might have remembered man seldom appears
+    Alluring in look or in manner
+  With a smut on his nose, oleaginous ears
+    And frenziedly clutching a spanner;
+  Though down by the cycle I fell to my knees
+    And ported my heart for inspection,
+  I only received for my passionate pleas
+    A curt and conclusive rejection.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "Gentlewoman, good family, small means, musical, devoted to parish
+    work, wishes to correspond with clergyman with view to being 'an
+    helpmeet for him.'"--_Church Times._
+
+The _Matrimonial News_ must look to its laurels.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "The Picturedrome, ----, and ---- Cinema, have been acquired by a
+    London Syndicate, in which are several gentlemen."--_Provincial Paper._
+
+We do not profess to know much about the film-trade, but is this so very
+unusual?
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: MANNERS AND MODES.
+
+POST-WAR SIMPLICITY IN BATHING-GEAR.]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Urchin (outside Club)._ "I BET IT WAS THE FAULT OF 'IM ON
+THE RIGHT."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+WAYS AND MEANS.
+
+I have read somewhere that when and/or if railway fares are increased it
+will cost a man travelling with his wife and two children (the children
+being half-fares) as much as twenty pounds to take third-class return
+tickets to St. Ives.
+
+Presumably this refers to the Cornish St. Ives, and to show how serious the
+problem will be for quite large families I need only refer my readers to
+the well-known poetical riddle which is generally supposed to refer to the
+Cornish St. Ives too. It will be seen at once that in the case of a
+septuagamist going to or returning from St. Ives with his family the cost
+will be vastly greater, even if no special luggage rates are leviable for
+the carriage of excess cats.
+
+Fortunately there is a much nearer St. Ives in Huntingdonshire, and if I
+was going to St. Ives at all, with or without encumbrances, I should
+certainly choose that one. As a matter of fact the Huntingdonshire St. Ives
+is a very pleasant place indeed, with a lot of red-and-yellow cattle
+standing about, if one may take the authority of the County Card Game in
+these matters. It is almost as pleasant as Luton, where there is a fellow
+in a blue smock with side-whiskers and a reaping-hook, and Leicester, which
+consists solely of a windmill and a house where RICHARD III. slept on the
+night before the Battle of Bosworth Field. Not a word about RAMSAY
+MACDONALD.
+
+But we are not talking about RAMSAY MACDONALD and the County Card Game; we
+are talking about Sir ERIC GEDDES and his railway fares, and talking pretty
+sharply too. What is to be done about this monstrous imposition? And how
+are we going to show the Government that you cannot play about with ozone
+as you can with margarine and coal? If only all passengers were prepared to
+act in concert it would be easy enough to bring Sir ERIC to his knees. The
+best and simplest plan would be for everybody to ask at the booking-office
+for a half-fare, stating boldly that his or her age was exactly eleven
+years and eleven months. It might not sound very convincing, of course,
+even if you had a red-and-black cricket-cap on the back of your head and
+covered your beard or what not with one hand; but a constant succession of
+people all demanding the same thing would most certainly cause the
+booking-clerk to give way. It might occur to him besides that, since so
+many people insisted on giving their wrong ages for the pleasure of
+fighting in war-time, they had a perfect right to do the same for the
+pleasure of travelling in peace-time; and in the case of the women his
+reputation for gallantry would be imperilled if he had the impudence to
+doubt their word.
+
+But would everybody be prepared to take up this strong and reasonable line?
+I doubt it, and we must turn to the consideration of other economical
+devices.
+
+One plan which I do not honestly recommend is travelling under the seats of
+the railway compartment, like _Paul Bultitude_ in _Vice Versa_. I say this
+partly because the accommodation under the seats is not all that it ought
+to be, and even where there is no heating apparatus a tight fit for large
+families, and partly because you have to face the possibility that your
+tickets may be demanded on the platform at the other end. Nor do I favour
+the method invariably adopted by people in cinema plays, which is to sit on
+the buffers or the roofs, or conceal yourself among the brakes or whatever
+they are underneath the carriages. Unless you drop off just before the
+terminus, which hurts, the same objection arises as in the under-the-seat
+method; and in any case you are practically certain to be spotted not only
+by the officials of the railway company concerned but with axle-grease.
+
+It is of course possible to travel without concealment and without a ticket
+either, merely discovering with a start of surprise when you are asked for
+it that you have lost the beastly thing. But this involves acting. It
+involves hunting with a great appearance of energy and haste in all your
+pockets, your reticule, your hatband, the turn-ups of your trousers, _The
+Rescue_ (for you certainly used something as a book-marker) and finally
+turning out in front of all the other passengers the whole of your
+note-case, which proves that you cannot have been going to stay at the
+"Magnificent" after all, and the envelopes of all the old letters which you
+were taking down to the sea in the hopes of answering them there; and even
+after that you have to give the name and address of somebody you don't like
+(say Sir ERIC GEDDES) to satisfy the inspector.
+
+On the whole I think the best way is the one which I mean to adopt myself
+at the earliest opportunity. Let us suppose that you are going to Brighton.
+At Victoria Station you will purchase (1) a return ticket to Streatham
+Common, (2) a platform ticket. The platform ticket entitles you to walk on
+to the platform from which the Brighton train starts, and, when it is just
+moving out and all the tickets have been looked at, you will leap on board.
+This brings you to Brighton, and all you have to do there is to accost the
+man who takes the tickets in a voice hoarse with fury. "Look here," you
+will say, "I had an important business engagement at Streatham Common,
+worth thousands and thousands of pounds to me, and one of your fool porters
+told me a wrong platform at Victoria. What are you going to do about it?"
+Now you might think that the porter would reply, "Come off it, Mister; you
+don't kid me like that," or make some other disappointing and impolite
+remark; but not a bit of it. Bluster is the thing that pays. First of all
+he will apologise, and then he will fetch the station-master, and he will
+apologise too, and after a bit they will offer you a special train back to
+Streatham Common, probably the one the KING uses when he goes to the
+seaside. But you will of course refuse to be pacified and wave it away,
+saying, "Useless, absolutely useless. Now that I am in this awful hole I
+shall spend the night here. But I shall certainly sue your Company for the
+amount of the business that I have lost."
+
+That is what I mean to do, and with slight variations the ruse can be
+applied to almost any non-stop run. Now that I have given the tip I shall
+hope to find quite a little crowd of disappointed business men round the
+station exits at holiday time when and/or if railway fares are increased.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Racing Tout (arrested the day before)._ "CAN YER TELL ME
+WOT WON THE THREE-THIRTY?"
+
+_Magistrate_. "SILENCE!" _Tout._ "W'Y, THERE WASN'T NO SUCH 'ORSE
+RUNNING."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+OUR NATURAL HISTORY COLUMN.
+
+_Letters to the Editor._
+
+THE HYDE PARK MONUMENT.
+
+DEAR SIR,--The experience of the Parisian scavenger who recently discovered
+a crocodile in a dustbin encourages me to write to you on a similar
+subject. I note with profound dismay the proposal to turn Hyde Park into a
+Zoological Garden. At least this is not an unfair deduction from the scheme
+to instal a huge python in the neighbourhood of Hyde Park Corner. I do not
+profess to know much about snakes, but I believe the python is a most
+dangerous reptile, and I see it stated that the pythons which have just
+arrived at Regent's Park are "large and vigorous, already active and
+looking for food." Surely this monstrous suggestion, threatening the safety
+of the peaceful frequenters of the Park, calls for a national protest. Can
+it be that the PREMIER is at the back of this, as of every invasion of our
+rights?
+
+Yours faithfully, MATERFAMILIAS.
+
+P.S.--My son says it is a pylon, not a python, but that only makes it
+worse.
+
+STRANGE EXPERIENCE OF A HERMIT.
+
+DEAR SIR,--My grandfather, who died in the 'fifties, used to tell a story
+of a hermit who lived in Savernake Forest, an extraordinarily absent-minded
+man with a beard of such colossal dimensions that several of the feathered
+denizens of the forest took up their abode in its recesses. This curious
+phenomenon was, I believe, commemorated in verse by an early-Victorian
+poet, but I have not been able after considerable research to trace the
+reference. I have the honour to remain,
+
+Yours faithfully, ISIDORE TUFTON
+
+    (Author of _The Growth of the Moustache Movement, The Topiary Art as
+    applied to Whiskers_, and the article on "Pogonotrophy" in _The
+    Hairdressers' Encyclopaedia_).
+
+PRESENCE OF MIND IN A PORBEAGLE.
+
+DEAR SIR,--The following verses, though not strictly relevant to the
+crocodile incident, commemorate an occurrence illustrating the extent to
+which piscine intelligence can be developed in favourable circumstances:--
+
+  "There was an unlucky porbeagle
+  Who was picked up at sea by an eagle;
+      On reaching the nest
+      It began to protest
+  On the ground that the speed was illegal."
+
+I am Sir, Yours faithfully,
+GEORGE WASHINGTON COOK.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "Lieut.-Commander Kenworthy said it had been advocated in _The Times_.
+
+    The Premier: I will be prepared to believe anything of _The Times_, but
+    really I do not tink it has ever suggested tat."--_Daily Mail_.
+
+Mr. LLOYD GEORGE is always ready to give _The Times_ tink-for-tat.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Guest_ (_to Fellow-Guest at garden-party who has offered to
+introduce her to well-known Socialist_). "I DON'T THINK SO, THANKS. HE
+LOOKS RATHER FEARSOME."
+
+_Fellow-Guest._ "MY DEAR, HE'S ONE OF THE FEW DECENT PEOPLE HERE--BELONGS
+TO AN OLD ENGLISH LABOURING FAMILY."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+I REMEMBER, I REMEMBER.
+
+    (_Carefully imitated from the best models, except that it has somehow
+    got into metre and rhyme._)
+
+  Four-and-ninety English winters
+    Having flecked my hair with snows,
+  I am ready for the printers,
+    And my publishers suppose
+  That these random recollections
+    Of a mid-Victorian male,
+  Owing to my high connections,
+    Ought to have a fairish sale.
+
+  Comrades of my giddy zenith,
+    Gazing back in retrospect,
+  I should say Lord Brixton (Kenneth)
+    Had the brightest intellect;
+  Though of course no age enfeebles
+    James Kircudbright's mental vim
+  (Now the seventh Duke of Peebles)--
+    I have lots of tales of Jim.
+
+  We were gilded youths together
+    In our Foreign Office days;
+  Used to fish and tramp the heather
+    At his uncle's castle, "Braes;"
+  I recall our wild elation
+    One day when we stole the hat,
+  At the Honduras Legation,
+    Of a Danish diplomat.
+
+  James had scarcely any vices,
+    His career was made almost
+  When the Guatemalan crisis
+    Caused him to resign his post;
+  He possessed a Gordon setter
+    On whose treatment by a vet
+  I once wrote _The Times_ a letter
+    Which has not been published yet.
+
+  Politics were dry and dusty,
+    Still they had their moods of fun,
+  As, for instance, when the crusty
+    Yet delightful Viscount Bunn
+  Broke into the Second Reading
+    Of a Church Endowment Bill
+  With a snore of perfect breeding
+    Which convulsed the Earl of Brill.
+
+  Through my kinship with the Gortons
+    I was much at Widnes Square;
+  People of the first importance
+    Often came to luncheon there;
+  GLADSTONE, DIZZY, even older
+    Statesmen used to throng the hall;
+  PALMERSTON once touched my shoulder--
+    Which one I do not recall.
+
+  Then I went to routs and dances,
+    Ah, how fine they were, and how
+  Different from the dubious prances
+    That the young indulge in now;
+  There I first encountered Kitty,
+    Told the girl I was a dunce,
+  But implored her to have pity,
+    And she said she would, at once.
+
+  Eh, well, well! I must not linger
+    On those glorious halcyon days;
+  Time with his relentless finger
+    Brings me to the second phase;
+  Politics were always creeping
+    Like a ghost across my view--
+  I contested Market Sleeping
+    In the Spring of Seventy-Two.
+
+  GLADSTONE--[No, please not. ED.]
+
+  EVOE.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "BRIGHTON.--The ----. One minute sea, West Pier, Lawns. Gas fires in
+    beds."--_Advt. in Daily Paper._
+
+Thanks, but we prefer a hot-water bottle.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: MORAL SUASION.
+
+THE RABBIT. "MY OFFENSIVE EQUIPMENT BEING PRACTICALLY _NIL_, IT REMAINS FOR
+ME TO FASCINATE HIM WITH THE POWER OF MY EYE."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT.
+
+[Illustration: THE INCOHERENTS.
+
+The reply of the Soviet Government to the Spa Conference was described by
+Mr. LLOYD GEORGE as "incoherent; the sort of document that might be drawn
+up by a committee composed of Colonel WEDGWOOD, Commander KENWORTHY, Lord
+ROBERT CECIL, Mr. BOTTOMLEY and Mr. THOMAS." It is understood that these
+hon. Members intend to hold an indignation meeting to discuss means--if
+any--of refuting this charge.]
+
+_Monday, July 19th._--Opinions may differ as to the wisdom of the Peers in
+reopening the DYER case, but the large audience which assembled in the
+galleries, where Peeresses and Indians vied with one another in the
+gorgeousness of their attire, testified to the public interest in the
+debate. At first the speakers made no attempt to "hot up" their cold
+porridge. In presenting General DYER'S case Lord FINLAY was strong without
+rage. In rebutting it the UNDER-SECRETARY FOR INDIA proved himself a grave
+and reverend SINHA, without a trace of the provocativeness displayed by his
+Chief in the Commons. Not until the LORD CHANCELLOR intervened did the
+temperature begin to rise. His description of the incident in the
+Jullianwallah Bagh was only a little less lurid than that of Mr. MONTAGU.
+The Peers would, I think, have liked a little more explanation of how an
+officer who admittedly exhibited, both before and after this painful
+affair, "discretion, sobriety and resolution," should be regarded as having
+on this one day committed "a tragic error of judgment upon the most
+conspicuous stage," and may have wondered whether, if the stage had been
+less conspicuous, the critics would have been more lenient.
+
+[Illustration: AN ARABIAN KNIGHT AT HOME. LORD WINTERTON.]
+
+For as long as I can remember the French have been _partant pour la Syrie_.
+Now they have got there, with a mandate from the Supreme Council, and have
+come into collision with the Arabs. As we are the friends of both parties
+the situation is a little awkward. Mr. ORMSBY-GORE hoped we were not going
+to fight our Arab allies, and was supported by Lord WINTERTON, who saw
+service with them during the War. A diplomatic speech by Mr. BONAR LAW, who
+pointed out that the French were in Syria on just the same conditions as we
+were in Mesopotamia, helped to keep the debate within safe limits.
+
+_Tuesday, July 20th._--The Lords continued the DYER debate. Lord MILNER
+confessed that he had approached the subject "with a bias in favour of the
+soldier," and showed how completely he had overcome it by finally talking
+about "Prussian methods"--a phrase that Lord SUMNER characterised as
+"facile but not convincing." Lord CURZON hoped that the Peers would not
+endorse such methods, but would be guided by the example of "Clemency"
+CANNING. The Lords however, by 129 to 86, passed Lord FINLAY'S motion, to
+the effect that General DYER had been unjustly treated and that a dangerous
+precedent had been established.
+
+The FIRST COMMISSIONER OF WORKS was inundated with questions about the
+pylon and explained that it had been designed by Sir FRANK BAINES entirely
+on his own initiative. Its submission to the Cabinet had never been
+contemplated, and its exhibition in the Tea Room was due to an hon. Member,
+who said that a number of people would be interested. Apparently they were.
+
+Asked if the scheme might be regarded as quite dead, Sir ALFRED MOND
+replied that he certainly thought so. In fact, to judge by his previous
+answer, it was never really alive.
+
+There is still anxious curiosity regarding the increase of railway fares,
+but when invited to "name the day" Mr. BONAR LAW remained coy. Suggestions
+for postponements in the interests of this or that class of holiday-maker
+finally goaded him into asking sarcastically, "Why not until after
+Christmas?" Whereupon the House loudly cheered.
+
+_Wednesday, July 21st._--Tactful man, Lord DESBOROUGH. In urging the
+Government to call a Conference to consider the establishment of a fixed
+date for Easter he supported his case with a wealth of curious information,
+some of it acquired from the Prayer-book tables, as he said, "during the
+less interesting sermons to which I have listened." You or I would have
+said "dull" _tout court_, and in that case we should not have deserved to
+receive, as Lord DESBOROUGH did, the almost enthusiastic support of the
+Archbishop of CANTERBURY.
+
+In spite of this Lord ONSLOW, for the Government, was far from encouraging.
+He quite recognised the drawbacks of the movable Easter, and agreed that it
+was primarily a matter for the Churches. But he feared the Nonconformists
+might dissent, and displayed a hitherto unsuspected reverence for the
+opinion of the Armenians. Besides, what about the Dominions and Labour? And
+with Europe in such a state of unrest ought we to throw in a new apple of
+discord? With much regret the Government could not see their way, etc.
+Whereupon Lord DESBOROUGH, who seems to be easily satisfied, expressed his
+gratitude and withdrew his motion.
+
+In an expansive moment Mr. MONTAGU once referred to Mr. GANDHI as his
+"friend." He did so, it appears, in the hope that the eminent agitator
+would abandon his disloyal vapourings. But the friendship is now finally
+sundered. Mr. GANDHI has been endeavouring to organise a boycott of the
+PRINCE OF WALES' visit to India, and, as Mr. MONTAGU observed more in
+sorrow than in anger, "Nobody who suggests disloyalty or discourtesy to the
+Crown can be a friend of any Member of this House, let alone a Minister."
+
+If anyone were to take exception to the accuracy of some of the PRIME
+MINISTER'S historical allusions in his post-Spa oration he would doubtless
+reply, "I don't read history; I make it." He was tart with the Turks,
+gratulatory to the Greeks, peevish with the Poles and gentle to the
+Germans. The German CHANCELLOR and Herr VON SIMONS were described as "two
+perfectly honest upright men, doing their best to cope with a gigantic
+task." Their country was making a real effort to meet the indemnity; it was
+not entirely responsible for the delay in trying the war-criminals, and
+even in the matter of disarmament was not altogether blameworthy. The
+Bolshevists also were handled more tenderly than usual. Their reply was
+"incoherent" rather than "impertinent"--it might have been drawn up by a
+WEDGWOOD-KENWORTHY-CECIL-BOTTOMLEY-THOMAS syndicate. Still they must not be
+allowed to wipe out Poland, foolish and reckless as the Poles had been.
+
+A well-informed speech was made by Mr. T. SHAW, evidently destined to be
+the Foreign Minister of the first Labour Cabinet. Having travelled in
+Russia he has acquired a distaste for the Soviet system, both political and
+industrial, and is confident that no amount of Bolshevist propaganda will
+induce the British proletarian to embrace a creed under which he would be
+compelled to work.
+
+_Thursday, July. 22nd._--The Peers held an academic discussion on the
+League of Nations. Lords PARMOOR, BRYCE and HALDANE, who declared
+themselves its friends, were about as cheerful as JOB'S Comforters; Lord
+SYDENHAM was frankly sceptical of the success of a body that had, and could
+have, no effective force behind it; and Lord CURZON was chiefly concerned
+to dispel the prevalent delusion that the League is a branch of the British
+Foreign Office.
+
+The Commons had an equally unappetising bill-of-fare, in which Ireland
+figured appropriately as the _piece de resistance_. Sir JOHN REES'
+well-meant endeavour to furnish some lighter refreshment by an allusion to
+the Nauru islanders' habit of "broiling their brothers for breakfast" fell
+a little flat. The latest news from Belfast suggests that in the expression
+of brotherly love Queen's Island has little to learn from Nauru.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A SCENE AT THE CLUB.
+
+I never liked Buttinbridge. I considered him a vulgar and pushful fellow.
+He had thrust himself into membership of my club and he had forced his
+acquaintance upon me.
+
+I was sitting in the club smoking-room the other day when Buttinbridge came
+in. His behaviour was characteristic of the man. He walked towards me and
+said in a loud voice, "Cheerioh, old Sport!"
+
+I drew the little automatic pistol with which I had provided myself in case
+of just such an emergency, took a quick aim and fired. Buttinbridge gave a
+convulsive leap, fell face downwards on the hearthrug and lay quite still.
+It was a beautiful shot--right in the heart.
+
+The room was fairly full at the moment, and at the sound of the shot
+several members looked up from their newspapers. One young fellow--I fancy
+he was a country member recently demobilised--who had evidently watched the
+incident, exclaimed, "Pretty shot, Sir!" But two or three of the older men
+frowned irritably and said, "Sh-sh-sh!"
+
+Seeing that it was incumbent upon me to apologise, I said, in a tone just
+loud enough to be audible to all present, "I beg your pardon, gentlemen."
+Then I dropped the spent cartridge into an ash-tray, returned the pistol to
+my pocket and was just stretching out my hand to touch the bell when old
+Withergreen, the _doyen_ of the club, interposed.
+
+"Pardon me," he said, "I am a little deaf, but almost simultaneously with
+the fall of this member upon the hearthrug I fancied I heard the report of
+a firearm. May I claim an old man's privilege and ask if I am right in
+presuming a connection between the two occurrences, and, if so, whether
+there has been any recent relaxation of our time-honoured rule against
+assassination on the club premises?"
+
+Shouting into his ear-trumpet, I said, "I fired the shot, Sir, which killed
+the member now lying upon the hearthrug. I did so because he addressed me
+in a form of salutation which I regard as peculiarly objectionable. He
+called me 'Old Sport,' an expression used by bookmakers and such."
+
+"Um! Old Port?" mumbled old Withergreen.
+
+"OLD SPORT," I shouted more loudly. Then I stepped to the writing-table,
+took a dictionary from among the books of reference, found the place I
+wanted and returned to the ear-trumpet.
+
+"I find here," I said, for the benefit of the room at large, for all were
+now listening, though with some impatience, "that in calling me a '_sport_'
+the deceased member called me a plaything, a diversion. If he had called me
+a _sportsman_, which is here defined as 'one who hunts, fishes or fowls,'
+he would have been not necessarily more accurate but certainly less
+offensive."
+
+At this point there stood up a member whom I recognised as one of the
+committee. "I am sure, Sir," he said, "that all present are agreed that you
+fired in defence of the purity of English speech, and that the incident was
+the outcome of an unfortunate attempt to relieve the financial
+embarrassment of the club by relaxing our former rigorous exclusiveness.
+Speaking as one of the committee, I have no doubt that the affair will be
+dismissed as _justifiable homicide_."
+
+Having bowed my acknowledgments I rang the bell. When the waiter appeared I
+bade him "Bring me a black coffee and then clear away the remains of Mr.
+Buttinbridge."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Then I was awakened by the voice of Buttinbridge yelling, "Wake up, old
+Sport!"
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Grocer._ "NOW, MY MAN, THE BUTTER YOU BROUGHT US LAST
+WEEK--EVERY PACKET OF IT WEIGHED ONLY FIFTEEN OUNCES."
+
+_Farmer's Man._ "WELL, TO BE SURE, SIR, WE'D LOST OUR ONE-POUND WEIGHT; BUT
+WE TOOK ONE OF YOUR POUND PACKETS OF TEA TO WEIGH IT WITH."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE PECULIAR CASE OF TOLLER.
+
+Toller first floated into public notice on the fame of Rodman, who by an
+irony of fate is now all but forgotten. Rodman, it may be remembered, was a
+promising young poet during the first decade of this century. Out of a
+scandalous youth whose verses made their appearance in slim periodicals
+that expired before their periodicity could be computed, he was evolving
+into a reputable poet who was given a prominent position facing advertising
+matter in the heavy magazines when he met with his regrettably early end.
+Apart from his poems he left no literary remains, except a few letters too
+hideously ungrammatical for publication. The sole materials for a biography
+lay in the memory of Toller, who by a stroke of luck happened to have known
+him intimately.
+
+By an equal piece of good fortune Toller had taken a course of mind
+training and his memory was exceptionally retentive. His _Life of Rodman_
+achieved instant success, a far greater than _Rodman's Collected Works_.
+The undomesticities of a poet's life naturally excite greater interest in
+the cultured than his utterances on Love, Destiny and other topics on which
+poets are apt to discourse. Toller, until then a struggling journalist,
+became all at once a minor literary celebrity, much in demand at
+conversaziones and places where they chatter. Sympathy for Rodman aroused
+curiosity which only Toller could satisfy.
+
+His memory, continually stimulated by questions, gained further in
+strength. The more he was asked the more he remembered, and so on in a
+virtuous circle. His Rodmaniana provided him with a comfortable income. He
+removed from Earl's Court to luxurious chambers off Jermyn Street, from
+which he poured out article after article on the deceased poet.
+
+Then suddenly, without warning, probably from overstrain, his memory gave
+way. Everything in the past, Rodman included, vanished from his mind. A
+greater calamity one could not conceive. It was as though a violinist had
+lost a hand, a popular preacher his voice. His livelihood was gone. Much as
+his babble about Rodman had bored me I could not but feel some sorrow for
+him, fallen from his little pinnacle of fame and affluence. Judge, then, of
+my surprise when I passed him about a fortnight ago faultlessly dressed and
+wearing an air of great prosperity. He showed of course not the smallest
+recollection of me.
+
+"How does Toller manage to live?" I asked Cardew, who knows him better than
+I do.
+
+"He still writes," was the reply.
+
+"What--without a memory?"
+
+"Yes, he finds it an advantage. You see, since the fusion of the old
+parties and the formation of new ones, the possession of a memory is often
+a source of considerable embarrassment to a leader writer. Toller now does
+the political articles for a prominent morning paper. The proprietors
+consider him a wonderful find."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+BUCKLER'S.
+
+To acquire an estate is, even in these days of inflated prices and
+competitive house-hunters, an easy matter compared with finding a name for
+it when it is yours. It is then that the real trouble sets in.
+
+Take the case of my friend Buckler.
+
+A little while ago he purchased a property, a few acres on the very top of
+a hill not too far from London and only half-a-mile from his present
+habitation, and there he is now building a home. At least the plans are
+done and the ground has been pegged out. "Here," he will say, quite
+unmindful of the clouds emptying themselves all over us--with all an
+enthusiast's disregard for others, and an enthusiast, moreover, who has his
+abode close by, full of changes of raiment--"here," setting his foot firmly
+in the mud, "is where the dining-room will be. Here," moving away a few
+yards through the slush, "is the billiard-room." Then, pointing towards the
+zenith with his stick, "Above it"--here you look up into the pitiless sky
+as well as the deluge will permit--"are two spare rooms, one of which will
+be yours when you come to see us." And so forth.
+
+He then leads the way round the place, through brake fern wetter than
+waves, to indicate the position of the tennis-courts, and in course of time
+you are allowed to return to the dry and spend the rest of the day in
+borrowed clothes.
+
+Everyone knows these Kubla Khans decreeing pleasure domes and enlarging
+upon them in advance of the builders, and never are they so eloquent and
+unmindful of rain and discomforts as when their listeners are poor and
+condemned to a squalid London existence for ever.
+
+But that is beside the mark. It is the naming of these new country seats
+that leads to such difficulties.
+
+That night at dinner the question arose again.
+
+"As it is on the top of the hill," said a gentle wistful lady, "why not
+call it 'Hill Top'? I'm sure I've seen that name before. It is expressive
+and simple."
+
+"So simple," said Buckler, "that my nearest neighbour has already
+appropriated it."
+
+"I suppose that would be an objection," said the lady, and we all agreed.
+
+"Why not," said another guest, "call it 'The Summit'? or, more concisely,
+just 'Summit'?"
+
+"Or why not go further," said a frivolous voice, "and suggest hospitality
+too--and Buckler's hospitality is notorious--by calling it 'Summit-to-
+Eat'?"
+
+Our silence was properly contemptuous of this sally.
+
+"If you didn't like that you might call it 'Summit-to-Drink,'" the
+frivolous voice impenitently continued. "Then you would get all the
+Americans there too."
+
+The voice's glass having been replenished (which, I fancy, was its inner
+purpose) we became serious again.
+
+"As it is on the top of the hill," said the first lady, "there will
+probably be a view. Why not call it, for example, 'Bellevue'? 'Bellevue' is
+a charming word."
+
+"A little French, isn't it?" someone inquired.
+
+"Oh, yes, it's French," she admitted. "But it's all right, isn't it? It's
+quite nice French."
+
+We assured her that, for a French phrase, it was singularly free from
+impropriety.
+
+"But of course," she said, "there's an Italian equivalent, 'Bella Vista.'
+'Bella Vista' is delightful."
+
+"I passed a 'Bella Vista' in Surbiton yesterday," said the frivolous voice,
+"and an errand-boy had done his worst with it with a very black lead
+pencil."
+
+"What could he do?" the gentle lady asked wonderingly, with big violet eyes
+distended.
+
+"It is not for me to explain," said the frivolous voice; "but the final
+vowel of the first word dissatisfied him and he substituted another. The
+capabilities of errand-boys with pencil or chalk should never be lost sight
+of when one is choosing a name for a front gate."
+
+"I am all at sea," said the lady plaintively. Then she brightened. "Is
+there no prominent landmark visible from the new house?" she asked. "It is
+so high there must be."
+
+Our hostess said that by cutting down two trees it would be possible to see
+Windsor Castle.
+
+"Oh, then, do cut them down," said the lady, "and call it 'Castle View.'
+That would be perfect."
+
+During the panic that followed I made a suggestion. "The best name for it,"
+I said, "is 'Buckler's.' That is what the country people will call it, and
+so you may as well forestall them and be resigned to it. Besides, it's the
+right kind of name. It's the way most of the farms all over England once
+were named--after their owners, and where the owner was a man of character
+and force the name persisted. Call it 'Buckler's' and you will help
+everyone, from the postman to the strange guest who might otherwise tour
+the neighbourhood for miles searching for you long after lunch was
+finished."
+
+"But isn't it too practical?" the first lady asked. "There's no poetry in
+it."
+
+"No," I said, "there isn't. The poetry is in its owner. Any man who can
+stand in an open field under a July rainstorm and show another man where
+his bedroom is to be in a year's time is poet enough."
+
+E.V.L.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+TO ISIS.
+
+  Isis, beside thine ambient rill
+    How oft I've snuffed the Berkshire breezes,
+  Or, prone on some adjoining hill,
+  Thrown off with my accustomed skill
+    The weekly fytte of polished wheezes;
+  How oft in summer's languorous days,
+    With some fair creature at the pole, I
+  Have thrid the Cherwell's murmurous ways
+  And dared with lobster mayonnaise
+    The onslaughts of Bacillus Coli?
+
+  Once--it was done at duty's call--
+    My labouring oar explored thy reaches;
+  They said I was no good at all
+  And coaches noting me would bawl
+    Things about "angleworms and breeches;"
+  But oh! the shouts of heartfelt glee
+    That rang on thine astonished marges
+  As we bore (rolling woundily)
+  Full in the wake of Brasenose III.
+    And bumped them soundly at the barges.
+
+  That night on Oxenford there burst
+    A sound of strong men at their revels,
+  And stroke, in vinous lore unversed,
+  Retired, if you must know the worst,
+    On feet that swam at different levels,
+  Nor knew till morning brought its cares
+    That, while the cup was freely flowing,
+  He'd scaled a flight of moving stairs
+  And commandeered his tutor's chairs
+    To keep the college bonfire going.
+
+  Immortal youth it was that bound
+    Us twain together, beauteous river;
+  And, though these limbs just crawl around
+  That once would scarcely touch the ground,
+    And alcohol upsets my liver,
+  Still, in a punt or lithe canoe
+    I can revive my vernal heyday,
+  Pretend the sky's ethereal blue,
+  The golden kingcups' cheery hue,
+    Spell my, as well as Nature's, Mayday.
+
+  The evening glows, the swallow skims
+    Between the water and the willows;
+  The blackbirds pipe their evening hymns,
+  A punt awaits at Mr. Tims'
+    With generous tea and lots of pillows,
+  And of all girls the first, the best
+    To play at youth with this old fossil;
+  Then Isis, as we glide to rest
+  Upon thy shadow-dappled breast,
+    We'll pledge thee in a generous wassail.
+
+  ALGOL.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Mistress._ "DID EVERYTHING COME FROM THE STORES THAT I
+ORDERED?"
+
+_Maid._ "EVERYTHINK, MUM, 'CEPT THE 'ADDICK, WHICH IS COMING ON BY ITSELF
+LATER."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+ENGLAND UNBENDS.
+
+REPORTS FROM SPA AND SHORE.
+
+SCARGATE.--This famous Yorkshire Spa is now in a condition of hectic
+activity and offers a plethora of attractions. A recent analysis of the
+waters shows that the proportion of sapid ovaloid particles and
+sulphuretted trinitrotoluene is larger than ever. Lieutenant Platt-
+Stithers' stincopated anthropoid orchestra plays four times daily--in the
+early morning and at noon for the relief of the water-drinkers, and in the
+afternoon and evening in the rotating Jazz Hall. Special attractions this
+week include cinema lectures daily on the domestic life of the Solomon
+Islanders by Mr. Nicholas Ould; a recital on the Bolophone on Thursday by
+Mr. Tertius Quodling, and, at the Grand Opera House, _Pope Joan_ and _The
+Flip-Flappers_. On Saturday the Stridcar Golf Club will hold a series of
+competitions in rational fancy dress for the benefit of the Phonetic
+Spelling Association.
+
+FALLALMOUTH.--Visitors to this romantic resort are offered a wide field of
+entertainment and moral uplift. The steamer excursions embrace trips up the
+lovely river Fallal to Gongor, famous for the prehistoric remains of the
+shrine of Saint Opodeldoc, and to beauty spots in the harbour like
+Glumgallion, Trehenna and Pangofflin Creek. There are also excursions in
+armed motor-char-a-bancs to Boscagel, Cadgerack and Flapperack. To-day
+visitors can view the gardens at Poljerrick, where many super-tropical
+plants, including man-eating cacti, are growing in the most unbridled
+luxuriance. There is a fine sporting nine-hole golf-course on the shingle
+strand at Grogwalloe, where the test of niblick play is more severe than on
+any links save those of the Culbin Sands near Nairn. Among other attractive
+features are the brilliant displays of aurora borealis over the Bay, which
+have been arranged at considerable cost by the Corporation in conjunction
+with the Meteorological Society.
+
+BORECAMBE.--The demand for bathing-machines and tents continues to
+increase, though the shopkeepers are complaining of a decreasing spending
+power on the part of the visitors and a disinclination to pay more than a
+shilling a head for shrimps. The practice of dispensing with head-gear is
+also much resented by local outfitters, but otherwise the situation is well
+in hand. On Monday last Mr. Silas Pargeter, an old resident, caught a fine
+conger-eel, weighing fifty-six pounds, which he has presented to the
+Museum. As Borecambe is a good jumping-off ground for the Lake District
+there are daily char-a-banc excursions to the land of WORDSWORTH and
+RUSKIN, each passenger being supplied with a megaphone and a pea-shooter.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+DOWN CHANNEL.
+
+  The chime of country steeples,
+    The scent of gorse and musk,
+  The drone of sleepy breakers
+    Come mingled with the dusk;
+  A ruddy moon is rising
+    Like a ripe pomegranate husk.
+
+  The coast-wise lights are wheeling
+    White sword-blades in the sky,
+  The misty hills grow dimmer,
+    The last lights blink and die;
+  Oh, land of home and beauty,
+    Good-bye, my dear, good-bye!
+
+  PATLANDER.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+HOW TO BE LONELY THOUGH MARRIED.
+
+    "Lonely Officer (married, with three children) wants Sealyham Terrier
+    Dog."--_Times._
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Golfer._ "LET'S SEE--WHAT'S BOGEY FOR THIS HOLE?"
+
+_Caddie_ (_fed up_). "DINNA FASH YERSEL' ABOOT BOGEY. YE'VE PLAYED FUFTEEN
+AN' YE'RE NO DEID YET--(_aside_) WORSE LUCK."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+MY DROMEDARY.
+
+I see by _The Times_ that dromedaries are on sale at sixty-five pounds
+apiece.
+
+In these days, when commodities of all kinds are so expensive, one cannot
+afford to overlook bargains of whatever nature they may be. And it seems to
+me that a dromedary at sixty-five pounds is really rather cheap.
+
+For after all sixty-five pounds to-day is little more than thirty pounds in
+pre-war times. Considering their trifling cost I am surprised that more
+people do not possess dromedaries. Most of my neighbours during the past
+two years have built garages, but not one, so far as I am aware, has built
+a dromedary-drome.
+
+I think I shall buy one of these attractive pets if my pass-book encourages
+me. Cheaper than a motor-car and far more intelligent and responsive to
+human affection, a dromedary will add distinction to my establishment and
+afford pleasant occupation for my leisure. It brings no attendant annoyance
+from the Inland Revenue authorities; there are no tiresome registration
+fees or regulations as to the dimensions of a number-plate.
+
+As long as I can remember I have lived in a state of uncertainty as to
+whether a dromedary has two humps and a camel one, or a camel two humps and
+a dromedary one. With one of these exotic quadrupeds tethered only a few
+yards away from the kitchen door that condition of doubt need not exist in
+the future for more than a few moments. In a good light it should be
+perfectly easy to count the humps or hump. Then again a dromedary will come
+for a walk on a fine evening without involving one in a dog-fight. It will
+provide quiet yet healthful exercise for the two children. If it turns out
+that the type possesses two humps it will be able to convey Edgar and
+Marigold at one and the same time, thus saving delay and inconvenience.
+
+It will be a protection to the house. When we have gone to bed the faithful
+creature will lie on guard in the hall, and no amount of poisoned liver
+thrust through the letter-box will assuage its ferocity or weaken its
+determination to protect the hearth and home of its master against
+marauders. For the dromedary is not only a strict teetotaler and non-
+smoker, but a lifelong vegetarian. Famous for its browsing propensities, a
+dromedary about the garden will save untold labour and expense, keeping the
+lawn trimmed and the hedges clipped. And indoors its height will serve me
+admirably in enabling me, while seated on its hump or one of its humps, to
+attend in comfort to a little whitewashing job which will not brook further
+postponement.
+
+I will look at my pass-book to-morrow.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+FLOWERS' NAMES.
+
+          COLT'S FOOT.
+
+  When the four Horses of the Sun
+    Were little leggy things,
+  When they could only jump and run
+    And hadn't grown their wings,
+  The Sun-God sent them out to play
+  In a field one July day.
+
+  Oh, the four Horses of the Sun
+    They galloped and they rolled,
+  They leapt into the air for fun
+    And felt so brave and bold;
+  And when they'd done their gallopings
+  They'd grown four splendid pairs of wings.
+
+  The Sun-God fetched them in again
+    To draw his car of gold;
+  But you can still see very plain
+    Where each one leapt and rolled;
+  For from each hoof-mark, every one,
+  There sprang a little golden sun,
+  And that same little golden flower
+  People call Colt's Foot to this hour.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "The stove will stand by itself anywhere. It omits neither smoke nor
+    smell."--_Provincial Paper._
+
+We know that stove.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Lady._ "CAN YOU SHOW ME SOMETHING SUITABLE FOR A BIRTHDAY
+PRESENT FOR A GENTLEMAN?"
+
+_Shopwalker._ "MEN'S FURNISHING DEPARTMENT ON THE NEXT FLOOR, MADAM."
+
+_Lady._ "WELL, I DON'T KNOW. THE GIFT IS FOR MY HUSBAND."
+
+_Shopwalker._ "OH, PARDON, MADAM. BARGAIN COUNTER IN THE BASEMENT."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+OUR BOOKING-OFFICE.
+
+(_By Mr. Punch's Staff of Learned Clerks._)
+
+Not every regiment has the good luck to find for chronicler one who is not
+only a distinguished soldier but a practical and experienced man of
+letters. This fortune is enjoyed by _The Gold Coast Regiment_ (MURRAY) in
+securing for its historian Sir HUGH CLIFFORD, K.C.M.G., from whose book you
+may obtain a vivid picture of a phase of the Empire's effort about which
+the average Briton has heard comparatively little. The very strenuous
+compaigns of the G.C.R., the endurance and achievements of its brave and
+light-hearted troops, and the heroism and fostering care of its officers,
+make an inspiring story. Almost for the first time one gains some real idea
+of the difficulties of the East African campaign, that prolonged tiger
+hunt, in which every advantage of mobility, of choice of ground, ambush and
+the like lay with the enemy; and over very tough physical obstacles, as,
+for example, rivers so variable that, in the author's incisive phrase, they
+"can rarely be relied upon, for very long together, either to furnish
+drinking-water or to refrain from impeding transport." It is interesting to
+note that Sir HUGH, while giving every credit to the remarkable personality
+of the German commander, entirely demolishes the theory, so grateful to our
+sentimentalists, that the absence of surrenders on the part of the enemy's
+black troops was due to any devotion to VON LETTOW-VORBECK as leader; the
+explanation being the characteristic German dodge of creating from the
+natives a military caste so highly privileged, and consequently unpopular
+with their fellows, that surrender, involving return to native civilian
+life, became a practical impossibility.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Much the best part, and a good best, of _Sir Harry_ (COLLINS) is the
+opening, which is not only delightful in itself but contains almost the
+sole example of a chapter-long letter (of the kind usually so unconvincing
+in fiction) in which I have found it possible to believe as being actually
+written by one character to another. The explanation of which is that this
+one is supposed to be sent to his wife by the new _Vicar of Royd_, himself
+a successful novelist, on a visit of inspection to his future parish. The
+efforts of _Mrs. Grant_, at home, to disentangle essential facts from the
+complications of the literary manner form as pleasant and human an
+introduction to a story as any I remember. The story itself is one highly
+characteristic of its author, Mr. ARCHIBALD MARSHALL, both in charm and
+truth to life, as also in one minor drawback, of which I have taken
+occasion to speak before. Nothing could be better done than the picture of
+the household at Royd Castle, the boy owner, _Sir Harry_, sheltered by the
+almost too-encompassing care of the three elder inmates, mother,
+grandmother and tutor. When the fictionally inevitable happens and an Eve
+breaks into this protected Eden there follow some boy-and-girl love-scenes
+that may perhaps remind you--and what praise could be higher?--of the
+collapse of another system on the meeting of _Richard_ and _Lucy_. I will
+not anticipate the end of a sympathetically told story, which I myself
+should have enjoyed even more but for Mr. MARSHALL'S habit (hinted at
+above) of following real life somewhat too closely in the matter of
+non-progressive discussion. How I should like him to lay his next scene in
+a community of Trappists!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+_The Haunted Bookshop_ (CHAPMAN AND HALL) is a daring, perhaps too daring,
+mixture of a browse in a second-hand bookshop and a breathless bustle among
+international criminals. To estimate the accuracy of its technical details
+the critic must be a secret service specialist, the mustiest of bookworms
+and a highly-trained expert in the science and language of the American
+advertising business. Speaking as a general practitioner, I like Mr.
+CHRISTOPHER MORLEY best when he is being cinematographic; he hits a very
+happy mean with his spies and his sleuths, giving a nice proportion of
+skill and error, failure and success, to both. There is a strong love-
+interest which will be made much of and probably spoilt by the purchasers
+of the film-rights; and, though strong men will doubtless applaud hoarsely
+and women will weep copiously, as the bomb in the bookshop throws the young
+lovers into each other's arms, I feel that the book gives a more attractive
+portrait of _Titania Chapman_, the plutocrat's daughter, than ever can be
+materialised in the film-man's "close-up." I am afraid that Mr. MORLEY will
+not thank me for praising his brisk melodrama at the cost of his ramblings
+in literature. But, if he has the knowledge, he lacks the fragrance; not to
+put too fine a point on it, he is long-winded and tends to bore in his
+disquisitions upon books and bookishness; which is no proper material for a
+novelist. The story is all about America and is thoroughly American;
+inevitably therefore there is some ambitious word-coining. The only novelty
+which sticks in my memory and earns my gratitude is the title for the
+female Bolshevik, to wit, Bolshevixen.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Wayward and capricious heroines who marry young are entitled, I think, to a
+certain amount of introspective treatment by their authors. Without some
+knowledge of their mental working it is not very easy for the reader to
+have patience with them. I was introduced to _Anne_ (HEINEMANN) when she
+was fifteen, and in the act of snatching a loaf of bread from a baker's
+cart and running away with it merely to annoy the baker; and, as she had
+large blue eyes and two young men as self-appointed guardians, I was
+prepared for a certain amount of heart trouble later on. One of these
+heroes she married at the age of seventeen, and, after various innocent but
+compromising vagaries (including a flight to Paris after the death of her
+son in order to study art), she followed the other one, still innocently,
+to Ireland, because he had been in prison and she was sorry for him. Both
+these guardians discharged their duty to _Anne_ at least as well as OLGA
+HARTLEY, who chronicles but does not explain; and this is a pity, for with
+a rather different treatment she might have made her heroine a very
+likeable person. Looked at from another point of view, _Anne_ may be taken
+as a mild piece of propaganda against divorce. I am glad it didn't come to
+that, of course, but I do feel that a cross-examining K.C. would have
+discovered a good deal more about Anne's soul for me than I learnt from the
+writer of her story.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+_John Fitzhenry_ (MILLS AND BOON) is one of those pleasant stories about
+people who live in big country houses, a subject that seems to have a
+particular attraction for the large and ungrudging public which lives in
+villas. We have already several novelists who tell them very ably, and I
+feel that some one among them has served as Miss ELLA MACMAHON'S model. The
+tale deals with the affairs of a showy fickle cousin and a silent constant
+cousin who compete for the love of the same delightful if rather nebulous
+young woman, and moves to its _denouement_, against a background of the
+great War, which Miss MACMAHON has very sensibly decided to view entirely
+from the home front. It contains some fine thinking and some bad writing
+(the phrase telling of the middle-aged smart woman who "waved her foot
+impatiently" gives a just idea of the author's occasional inability to say
+what she means), some quite extraneous incidents and some scenes very well
+touched in. The people, with a few exceptions, are of the race which
+inhabits this sort of book, and, as we have long agreed with our novelists
+that "the county" is just like that, I don't see why Miss MACMAHON should
+be blamed for it.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Mr. COSMO HAMILTON lays the scene of _His Friend and His Wife_ (HURST AND
+BLACKETT) in the Quaker Hill Colony of Connecticut, the members of which
+were typically "nice" and took themselves very seriously. So when one of
+them brought a divorce suit against her husband there was a feeling that
+the colony's reputation had been irremediably besmirched. Mr. HAMILTON can
+be trusted to create tense situations out of the indiscretions of an erring
+couple, but he also contrives, in spite of its artificial atmosphere, to
+make us believe in this society, though he tried me rather hard with a
+scandalmongress of the type we happily meet less often in life than in
+fiction. I hope he will not be quite so dental in his next book. I didn't
+so much mind _Mrs. Hopper's_ teeth, which "flashed like an electric
+advertisement," but when he made two golfers also flash "triumphant teeth"
+I recoiled.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+_The Golden Bird_ of Miss DOROTHY EASTON (HEINEMANN) is indeed lucky to set
+out on its flight with a favouring pat from Mr. JOHN GALSWORTHY. He asserts
+that these short studies of people and things in England and France are
+very well done indeed; that moreover, though the short sketch may look, and
+the bad short sketch may be, one of the easiest of literary feats, the good
+short sketch is in fact one of the most difficult. Now who should know this
+if not Mr. GALSWORTHY, and who am I that I should presume to disagree? As a
+matter of fact I don't. Quite the contrary. But naturally I shall get no
+credit for that. I will only add that Miss EASTON has not a majority mind,
+that she sees the sad thing more easily than the gay, that I like her work
+best in her more objective moods, and that, like so many writers of
+perception, she finds the quintessence of England's beauty in happy Sussex.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: IN OLD VERSAILLES.
+
+_Mother._ "GOOD NEWS, MY SON! EVEN AS I PONDERED WHETHER I SHOULD EAT OUR
+LAST CRUST THE EVER-KIND ABBE CALLED TO SAY HE HAD FOUND THEE A HIGHLY-PAID
+APPOINTMENT AT COURT."
+
+_Son._ "YES--BUT DID HE TELL YOU IT WAS AS FOOD-TASTER TO HIS MAJESTY, WHO
+DAILY EXPECTS TO BE POISONED?"]
+
+
+
+
+
+
+End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol.
+159, July 28th, 1920, by Various
+
+*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH ***
+
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