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+The Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 159,
+July 14th, 1920, by Various
+
+This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with
+almost no restrictions whatsoever.  You may copy it, give it away or
+re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included
+with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org
+
+
+Title: Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 159, July 14th, 1920
+
+Author: Various
+
+Release Date: August 25, 2005 [EBook #16592]
+
+Language: English
+
+Character set encoding: ASCII
+
+*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH ***
+
+
+
+
+Produced by Jonathan Ingram, Keith Edkins and the Online
+Distributed Proofreading Team at https://www.pgdp.net
+
+
+
+
+
+PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
+
+VOL. 159.
+
+
+
+July 14th, 1920.
+
+
+
+
+CHARIVARIA.
+
+We understand that it has now been decided that the Ex-Kaiser will travel
+to England for his trial by way of the Channel Tunnel.
+
+* * *
+
+A new coal war is anticipated by _The Daily Express_. The difficulty is in
+knowing where the last coal war ended and this one will begin.
+
+* * *
+
+We understand that the Government fixture card is not yet complete and they
+still have a few open dates for Peace Conferences (away matches) for medium
+teams.
+
+* * *
+
+The world's largest blasting-furnace has been opened at Ebbw Vale. It is
+expected however that others will flare up immediately the CHANCELLOR'S
+proposals go through.
+
+* * *
+
+"Militarism has created a dragon whose fangs will never properly be drawn,"
+announces a writer in a Sunday paper. This charge against MR. WINSTON
+CHURCHILL'S dentist is, in our opinion, most unkind.
+
+* * *
+
+The report that the Turks had appealed to the Allies to stop the new war in
+Asia Minor turns out to be incorrect. What the Turks demand is that the
+Allies shall stop the Greek end of it.
+
+* * *
+
+"I would like to take a great piece of England back to America as a
+souvenir of the happy time I have recently spent there," exclaimed Miss
+MARY PICKFORD to a reporter in Belgium. Arrangements, we hear, are now
+being hastily made to offer her the whole of Ireland if she will take it
+away during this month.
+
+* * *
+
+According to a local paper a lawyer living in Birmingham, returning
+unexpectedly from the theatre, discovered two burglars at work in his
+library. It is reported, however, that the intruders with great presence of
+mind immediately retained him for their defence.
+
+* * *
+
+Several workhouses in the South of England now possess tennis-courts and
+bowling-greens. It is satisfactory to note that preparations are at last
+being made to receive the New Poor.
+
+* * *
+
+We are glad to learn that the two members of a well-known club in the City
+who inadvertently took away their own umbrellas have now agreed to exchange
+same, so that the reputation of the club shall not suffer.
+
+* * *
+
+A Warwickshire miner summoned for not sending his child to school is
+reported to have pleaded that he saw a red triangle danger notice above the
+word "school" and therefore kept his daughter away.
+
+* * *
+
+"We must have support," said the POSTMASTER-GENERAL last week. We can only
+say that we always buy our stamps at one of his post-offices.
+
+* * *
+
+A little domestic tragedy was enacted in London last week. It appears that
+a small boy, on being offered a penny by his mother, who had just returned
+from the winter sales, refused it, saying that he was not allowed to accept
+money from strangers.
+
+* * *
+
+An official of the New York Y.W.C.A. inquires whether a woman of thirty
+years is young. A more fair question would be, "When is a woman thirty
+years of age?"
+
+* * *
+
+President C.W. ELIOT, of Harvard University, says Britishers drink tea
+because it feeds the brain. Our own opinion is that we drink it because we
+have tasted our coffee.
+
+* * *
+
+So many servant-girls are being enticed from one house to another that
+several houses now display the notice, "Visitors are requested to refrain
+from stealing the servants."
+
+* * *
+
+Under a new Order public-houses will not open until seven in the evening on
+Sundays. This seems to be another attempt to discourage early rising on
+that day.
+
+* * *
+
+Two men have been arrested at Oignies, Pas de Calais, for selling stones as
+coal. We fancy we know the coal-dealer from whom they got this wrinkle.
+
+* * *
+
+Speaking at Sheffield University last week, Sir ERIC GEDDES said he hoped
+to see the day when there would be a degree of Transport. What we're
+getting now, we gather, can't really be called Transport at all.
+
+* * *
+
+A live mussel measuring six inches has been found inside a codfish at
+Newcastle. We expect that if the truth was known the mussel snapped at the
+cod-fish and annoyed it.
+
+* * *
+
+A soldier arrested at Dover told the police he was _Sydney Carton_, the
+hero of _The Tale of Two Cities_. He is supposed to be an impostor.
+
+* * *
+
+A market-gardener in Surrey is said to be the double of Mr. WINSTON
+CHURCHILL. Since this announcement it is stated that the poor fellow has
+been inundated with messages of sympathy.
+
+* * *
+
+"The secret of success," says Mr. W. HARRIS, "is hard work." Still, some
+people would scorn to take advantage of another man's secret.
+
+* * *
+
+Wives, said the Judge of the Clerkenwell County Court recently, are not so
+ignorant that they do not know what their husband's earnings are. There is
+no doubt, however, that many workmen's wives simply pocket the handful of
+bank-notes their husbands fling them on Saturday night without stopping to
+count them.
+
+* * *
+
+There were no buyers, it is stated, for fifty thousand blankets offered by
+the Disposals Board last week. We have all along maintained that, though it
+would take time, the Board would wear its adversaries down.
+
+* * *
+
+According to an official list recently published the Government employs
+over three thousand charwomen. The number is said to be so great that they
+have to take it in turns to empty Mr. AUSTEN CHAMBERLAIN'S portfolio.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Showman._ "DON'T GET HIM TOO TAME, PROFESSOR. HE'S GOT TO
+GO FIVE ROUNDS WITH THE BOXING KANGAROO WHEN YOU'VE FINISHED."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A CRICKET MANNERISM.
+
+A writer commented recently in an article in _Punch_ on the advantage to a
+cricketer of some harmless mannerism, giving as an instance Mr. P.F.
+WARNER'S habit of hitching up the left side of his trousers and patting the
+ground seven times with his bat. This homely touch reminded me irresistibly
+of Rankin. Not that Rankin resembles Mr. WARNER even remotely in any other
+way. But Rankin has a mannerism, one which is fairly harmless, too, as a
+general rule. If on one occasion, of which I will tell you, it had
+unfortunate results, there was then a combination of circumstances for
+which Rankin was not entirely responsible. That much I now feel myself able
+to admit. At the time I could see nothing good about Rankin at all.
+
+Rankin resides in our village of Littleborough, and is by trade what is
+known as a jobbing gardener. On Thursdays he is my gardener, on Wednesdays
+Mrs. Dobbie's gardener, and so on. On Saturday afternoons he plays cricket.
+Or at least he dresses in (among other garments) a pair of tight white
+flannel trousers and a waistcoat, and joins the weekly game.
+
+Recently we met in deadly combat the neighbouring village of Smallwick.
+Away into the unchronicled past runs the record of these annual contests.
+Each village hints that it has gained the greater number of victories; each
+is inclined in its heart to believe that the other one has actually done
+so--because, as I suppose, the agony of defeat leaves a more lasting
+impression than the joy of victory. But I digress. We have not even got to
+Rankin's mannerism yet.
+
+Rankin's mannerism is the habit of plunging his hands into his trouser
+pockets. A very ordinary one, you will say; but not when carried to the
+extent to which Rankin carries it. It is useless for Rankin to field at
+short slip, for instance. The only time he did so a catch struck him
+sharply in the lower chest (and fell to the ground, of course) before he
+had time to take his hands out of his pockets. When he is batting he crams
+one hand into his pocket between each delivery. As he wears a large batting
+glove and his trousers are very tight (as I mentioned before) this is a
+matter of some difficulty. In fact we usually attribute the smallness of
+his scores to its unsteadying effect.
+
+How he ever survived five years of military service without being shot for
+persistently carrying his hands in his pockets while on parade, to the
+detriment of good order and military discipline, I can never understand.
+Surely some Brass-hat, inspecting Rankin's regiment, must have noticed that
+Rankin's hands were in his pockets when he should have been presenting
+arms? I can only presume that they all loved Rankin, and love is blind.
+Well, he is quite a good chap. I like him myself.
+
+We now come to the day of the Smallwick _v._ Littleborough match.
+
+Smallwick lost the toss and went out to field, and, as one of their players
+had not arrived, Rankin went with them as a substitute.
+
+We lost three wickets for only ten runs, and then I went in. It was one of
+my rare cricket days. I felt, I knew, that I should make runs--not much
+more than twenty, of course, but then twenty is a big score for
+Littleborough. And I felt like twenty at least.
+
+Rankin was fielding at deep long-on, close to the tent; but they had no one
+at square leg, which is my special direction on my twenty days. Presently
+the bowler offered me a full pitch on the leg side. I timed it
+successfully, and had no doubt of having added four to my score, when, to
+my astonishment, I saw a fieldsman running from the direction of the hedge.
+The next moment he had brought off a very creditable catch.
+
+It did not dawn on me at first that this was their eleventh man, arrived at
+that moment. When it did, I could not help laughing to think that he should
+imagine he could rush in like that while his substitute was still fielding.
+Then I heard the bowler appeal to the umpire, and to my horror I heard the
+umpire (their umpire) say "Out."
+
+"But they can't have twelve men fielding," I cried. "The substitute is
+still there."
+
+"You're out, Sir," said the umpire haughtily. "The substitoot has already
+retired. 'E's standing there watching the game with 'is 'ands in 'is
+pockets."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A SELF-STARTER.
+
+    "Born of an Iris moter and a Scots father, in Chicago, U.S.A., Mr.
+    ----'s ability for the stage developed very early."--_New Zealand
+    Paper._
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "Within the square of spectators were paraded about two thousand Girl
+    Guides. It delighted the eye to see the companies march with precision
+    and smartness, while the ear was charmed and the marital spirit stirred
+    by the music of the pipes and drums."--_Scotch Paper._
+
+So _that_'s the idea.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "Soon we could make out the Sultan's Palace, from which the tired
+    'Hunter of the East' was now unwinding his 'nose of light.'"-- _----
+    Magazine._
+
+For further details of this remarkable organ see LEAR'S "Dong with the
+Luminous Nose."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+PHILOSOPHERS.
+
+We are all different, and often our differences are of the widest. Some men
+can be knocked prostrate by the most trifling disappointment, while others
+can extract comfort or even positive benefit from what looks like complete
+disaster--such as the Cambridge youth I met last week, raving about
+TURNER'S "Fighting Temeraire."
+
+"But I didn't know you were interested in pictures," I said.
+
+"Oh, yes, I've always been, in a way," he replied; "but it wasn't till the
+rain ruined the first day of the Varsity match that I ever had a real
+chance to get to the National Gallery, and when it came down like blazes
+again on Tuesday I went back there. Did you ever see such painting? And the
+pathos of it too! And then that frosty morning scene in the same room! Why,
+TURNER was too wonderful."
+
+How some of the other dampened enthusiasts tided over their loss I can only
+guess; but this ardent one reminded me of the Shipwrecked Entomologist, and
+I placed him on a niche somewhere near that radiant soul.
+
+And who was he?
+
+Well, he was the curator of his own department in some Indian museum--I
+think at Calcutta--and when the time came for his holiday he took a passage
+for Japan on a little tramp steamer. Everything went well until a few hours
+out of Shanghai, when a typhoon began to blow with terrific force. The ship
+was driven on the coast of Korea, where she set about breaking up, and only
+with the greatest difficulty did the passengers and crew get to shore,
+bruised and saturated, without anything but their clothes and what their
+pockets could hold. Some lives were lost, but my man was saved.
+
+It was a desolate part, with nothing but the poorest huts for shelter,
+dirty and verminous, so that the discomforts of the land were almost equal
+to the perils of the sea.
+
+Naturally, on his return to Calcutta the curator was plied with questions.
+How did be feel about it? Wasn't it an awful experience? If ever a man
+deserved sympathy it was he. And so forth. But he wouldn't rise.
+
+"Sympathy?" he said. "Good Heavens! I don't want sympathy. Why, I had the
+time of my life. Do you know that during the night in that Korean hovel I
+found five absolutely new kinds of bug."
+
+E.V.L.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "Notice to the public, that John ----, Toronto, will not be responsible
+    for debts hereafter contracted by any one."--_Canadian Paper._
+
+Very sensible of him.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: SUBJECT TO REVISION.
+
+BRITISH HOUSEWIFE. "DO YOU REALLY MEAN IT?"
+
+MINER. "WELL, PART OF IT, ANYWAY."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Captain_ (_to very unsuccessful lob bowler_). "OI BE SORRY
+TO 'AVE TO TAKE 'EE OFF, GARGE, BUT I MUST LET THE VICAR 'AVE A GO BEFORE
+THE BALL GETS EGG-SHAPED."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+SANTAMINGOES.
+
+A FANCY.
+
+    [The santamingo is a kind of Oriental bird believed by foolish sailor-
+    men to confer on its possessor great content and peace of mind.]
+
+  East from the Mahanadi and north of the Nicobar
+  You will come to Evening Island where the santamingoes are;
+  Their wings are sunrise-orange and their tails are starlight-blue;
+  You catch a santamingo and all your dreams come true.
+
+  They've a crest of flaming scarlet and a purple-golden breast,
+  And their voice is like all the music that ever you liked the best,
+  And their eyes are like all the comfort that ever you hoped to find;
+  You catch a santamingo and you'll get peace of mind.
+
+  You won't find buried treasures, you won't get sudden luck,
+  But things'll just go smoothly that used to get somehow stuck--
+  The little things that matter, the trumpery things that please,
+  You catch your santamingo and you're always sure of these.
+
+  You don't get thrones and kingdoms, you don't turn great or good,
+  But you know you're just in tune with things, you know you're understood,
+  And wherever you chance to be is home and any old time's the best
+  When you've got your santamingo to keep your heart at rest.
+
+  If ever you've dreamed of a golden day when nothing at at all went wrong,
+  Or a pal who'd want no tellings but would somehow just belong,
+  Or a place that said, "I was made for you"--well, sailor-men tell you
+      flat,
+  You catch your santamingo and you'll find it all like that.
+
+  * * * * *
+
+  I've sailed from the Mahanadi to north of the Nicobar,
+  But I can't find Evening Island where the santamingoes are,
+  Though I've taken salt to put on their tails and all that a hunter
+      should--
+  Perhaps you can't _really_ catch them; but don't you wish you could?
+
+  H.B.
+
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "Capitalist who will consider financing Canadian oil fields or will
+    send English theologist to investigate property."--_Daily Paper._
+
+And do the clerical work, we suppose.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+From a description of the V.C.'s at Buckingham Palace:--
+
+    "There were a sergeant-major arranged in nine separate groups, and an
+    attempt had been made to get old comrades together as far as possible."
+    --_Provincial Paper._
+
+The reassembling of the sergeant-major must have taken a bit of doing.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+MY RAT.
+
+He visits me at least once every day. His favourite time is the hour of
+tea, when the family and staff may be expected to be at home; but sometimes
+he honours us with an additional call at the luncheon hour. He emerges from
+his deep hole beneath an ivy root, takes the air up and down the paths of
+my rockery, glances in at the drawing-room window, passes on to the back
+premises, and so home.
+
+There is nothing furtive about his movements. His manner is that of one who
+has purchased the mansion and its appurtenances but does not wish to
+disturb the sitting tenants. It is his duty to sea that the premises are
+properly cared for, but for the present he has no desire to take
+possession. It is beautiful weather and the simple life out-of-doors
+contents him.
+
+He is a brown rat. I write of his sex with confidence because his urbanity
+is that of a polished gentleman of the world; no feminine creature could
+ever display it. A female rat who had bought the house would eagerly try to
+get in and drive us forth. But not so my rat. He discharges the function of
+a landlord as considerately as he can; after all, even a landlord must be
+allowed the rights of inspection of his own property.
+
+At first I regarded him as merely an ordinary intrusive brown rat. I laid
+down poisonous pills composed of barium carbonate and flour. He did not
+take offence; he understood our human limitations. He showed by a jaunty
+cock of the eye that all to understand is all to pardon. His daily visits
+continued without abatement.
+
+It has been suggested to me that we should await his regular calls with
+dogs, blood-thirsty terriers. I cannot take so scurvy an advantage of his
+confidence.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+I have sinned. The fault is less mine than that of the High Court of
+Parliament. I was bidden to study the penalties laid down for those who do
+not proceed to the destruction of their rats. When I weighed my landlord
+rat against five treasury notes I confess that in an hour of meanness I
+permitted the notes to tip the scale. I prepared phosphor paste and laid a
+trail of this loathsome condiment upon the path trodden every afternoon by
+my rat.
+
+He came as usual on the day after that on which I had basely planned his
+murder--Heaven forgive me!--that I might escape a trifling fine, and he
+deigned to partake of my hospitality. Twenty-four hours later, when duty
+summoned him once more at the hour of tea, his eye was dim and he staggered
+slightly in his gait. He was still able to go his rounds, but since that
+tragic afternoon I have seen him no more.
+
+My family eyes me with suspicion. They look for the rat, which no longer
+arrives at his accustomed hour. My cook has given notice. I alone bear the
+burden of the fatal secret.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Saved! What care I for five paltry pounds now that our rat has recovered
+from his indisposition and has hastened to re-visit his property? The
+phosphor paste, like arsenic, has added brightness to his eye and brought a
+beautiful lustre to his smooth brown coat. He has softened in his manner
+and tends towards friendship. There is less of the grand air, less
+assertion of the vast gap which yawns between the landlord and the tenant.
+Presently, if I continue to prove worthy of his condescension, my rat will
+eat phosphor paste out of my hand.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Jack_ (_to novice in difficulties with the tide_). "THE
+NEXT TIME YOU SPORTSMEN TAKES AN OUTIN' TRY A NUMBER TWENTY-SEVEN BUS."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+From the obituary notice of an octogenarian:--
+
+    "He was a keen chronologist, and possessed a valuable collection of
+    shells."--_Provincial Paper._
+
+Picked up, no doubt, on the sands of time.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE LITTLE HORSE.
+
+[The following fragment is taken from the play, _David Lloyd George_, which
+we understand may some day be produced at the Lyric Opera House,
+Hammersmith, as a companion-piece to _Abraham Lincoln_.]
+
+The scene is laid in the House of Commons, where Sir FREDERICK BANBURY has
+moved the rejection of the Poets and Verse (Nationalisation) Bill.
+
+  _Sir FREDERICK BANBURY is speaking._
+                          But it stands to reason,
+    If you propose to pay them just the same
+    Whether they write a little or a lot,
+    They won't write _anything_. There will not be
+    Sufficient stimulus. It's human nature,
+    And human nature is unchangeable.
+    Do you imagine, Sir, that KEATS or SHELLEY
+    Would have produced such valuable work,
+    So large an output, if this precious Bill
+    Had been in operation at the time?
+    We should have had no SHAKSPEARE. And, besides,
+    It means the death of British poetry,
+    Because we can't continue to compete
+    With foreign countries.
+  _A Labour Member._          I am not a lawyer
+    Nor I am not a manufacturer,
+    But earned my bread these five-and-forty years,
+    Sweating and sweating. I know what sweat is....
+  _An Hon. Member._
+    You're not the only person who has sweated.
+  _Labour Member._
+    At any rate I sweated more than you did.
+  _Mr. SPEAKER._
+    I do not think these constant interruptions
+    Are really helping us.
+  _Labour Member._            So you may take it
+    That what I utter is an honest word,
+    A plain, blunt, honest and straightforward word,
+    Neither adorned with worthless flummery
+    And tricks of language--for I have no learning--
+    Nor yet with false and empty rhetoric
+    Like lawyers' speeches. I am not a lawyer,
+    I thank my stars that I am not a lawyer,
+    And can without a spate of parleying
+    Briefly expound, as I am doing now,
+    The whole caboodle. As for this here Bill,
+    So far as it means Nationalising verse,
+    We shall support it. On the other hand,
+    So far as it means interferences
+    With the free liberty of working-men
+    To write their poetry when and how they like,
+    We will not _have_ the Bill. So now you know.
+  _Mr. ASQUITH._
+    It was remarked, I think by ARISTOTLE,
+    That wisdom is not always to the wise;
+    To which opinion, if we may include
+    In that august and jealous category
+    The President of the Board of Ululation,
+    I am prepared most freely to subscribe.
+    When was there ever since the early Forties
+    A more grotesque and shameless mockery
+    Of the austere and holy principles
+    Which Liberalism like an altar-flame
+    Has guarded through the loose irreverent years
+    Than this inept, this disingenuous,
+    This frankly disingenuous attempt;
+    To smuggle past the barrier of this House
+    An article so plainly contraband
+    As this unlicens'd and contagious Bill--
+    A Bill which, it is not too much to say,
+    Insults the conscience of the British Empire?
+    I will not longer, Sir, detain the House;
+    Indeed I cannot profitably add
+    To what I said in 1892.
+    Speaking at Manchester I used these words:--
+      "If in the inconstant ferment of their minds
+      The KING'S advisers can indeed discover
+      No surer ground of principle than this;
+      If we have here their final contribution
+      To the most clamant and profound conundrum
+      Ever proposed for statesmanship to solve,
+      Then are we watching at the bankruptcy
+      Of all that wealth of intellect and power
+      Which has made England great. If that be true
+      We may put FINIS to our history.
+      But I for one will never lend my suffrage
+      To that conclusion."
+                  [_An Ovation._
+  _MR. DAVID LLOYD GEORGE._      Mr. SPEAKER, Sir,
+    I do not intervene in this discussion
+    Except to say how much I deprecate
+    The intemperate tone of many of the speakers--
+    Especially the Honourable Member
+    For Allways Dithering--about this Bill,
+    This tiny Bill, this teeny-weeny Bill.
+    What _is_ it, after all? The merest trifle!
+    The merest trifle--no, not tipsy-cake--
+    No trickery in it! Really one would think
+    The Government had nothing else to do
+    But sit and listen to offensive speeches.
+    How can the horse, the patient horse, go on
+    If people will keep dragging at the reins?
+    He has so terrible a load to bear,
+    And right in front there is a great big hill.
+    The horse is very tired, and it is raining.
+    Poor little horse! But yonder, at the top,
+    Look, look, there is a rainbow in the sky,
+    The promise of fair weather, and beyond
+    There is a splendidly-appointed stable,
+    With oats and barley, or whatever 'tis
+    That horses eat, while smiling all around
+    Stretch out the prairies of Prosperity,
+    Cornfields and gardens, all that sort of thing.
+    That's where the horse is going. But, you see,
+    The horse has got to climb the great big hill
+    Before he gets there. Oh, you must see that.
+    Then let us cease this petty bickering;
+    Let us have no more dragging at the reins.
+    What _is_ this Bill when all is said and done?
+    Surely this House, surely this mighty nation,
+    Which did so much for horses in the War,
+    Will not desert this little horse at last
+    Because of what calumniators say--
+    Newspaper-owners--_I_ know who they are--
+    About this Bill! No, no, of course it won't.
+    We will take heart and gallop up the hill,
+    We will climb up together to the rainbow;
+    We will go on to where the rainbow ends--
+    I know where that is, for I am a Welshman.
+    It is a field, a lovely little field,
+    Where there are buttercups and daffodils,
+    And long rich grass and very shady trees.
+    Hold on a little, and the horse will get there,
+    Only, I ask you, let the horse have rein.
+    That is my message to the British nation:
+    "Hold on! Hold fast! But do not hold too tight!"
+
+    [_An Ovation. A Division is taken. The Ayes have it._
+
+  A.P.H.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+TRUE SPORTSMANLIKE BEHAVIOUR.
+
+[Illustration: "BUT I'M ALMOST SURE IT WAS NOT. LOVE-FIFTEEN."
+
+"NO, REALLY, I'M PRACTICALLY CERTAIN IT WAS IN. FIFTEEN-LOVE."]
+
+[Illustration: "THAT WAS A DOUBLE FAULT I SERVED, WASN'T IT? LOVE-FIFTEEN."
+
+"NO. YOUR SECOND ONE WAS IN ALL RIGHT, I THINK. FIFTEEN-LOVE."]
+
+[Illustration: "BUT I'M ALMOST SURE IT WAS NOT. LOVE-FIFTEEN."
+
+"NO, REALLY, I'M PRACTICALLY CERTAIN IT WAS IN. FIFTEEN-LOVE."]
+
+[Illustration: "IT LOOKED MILES OUT TO ME. LOVE-FIFTEEN."
+
+"WELL, YOU WERE WRONG, THAT'S ALL. FIFTEEN-LOVE."]
+
+[Illustration: "BUT, MY DEAR GOOD FELLOW, I KNOW I'M RIGHT. LOVE-FIFTEEN."
+
+"MY VERY GOOD IDIOT, YOU AREN'T. FIFTEEN-LOVE."]
+
+[Illustration: "YOU PIG-HEADED BEAST, I AM. LOVE-FIFTEEN."
+
+"YOU'RE A LIAR! YOU'RE NOT. FIFTEEN-LOVE."]
+
+[Illustration: "WELL, CALL IT A LET."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: THE NEW RIVER "BELLE."
+
+_Society Gossip Note._ "I also saw the Honourable Pamela Puntah, attended
+by a gorgeous creation in tangerine orange and cornflower blue, with hat
+and handkerchief to match."
+
+[It was remarked that at Henley the men's river attire quite outshone the
+ladies'.]]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+WORD CHAINS.
+
+Sheila Davies and her brother had cycled over to play tennis. They sat,
+with John and myself, on the steps and watched the rain falling.
+
+"As a matter of general interest," said Arthur Davies to me, "when a man
+invites his friends and neighbours over to play tennis and it pours with
+rain all the time, what is the correct thing for him to do?"
+
+"As a matter of general interest," I answered, "the good host will send the
+ladies to play the piano, if any, and to talk scandal, whether there is any
+or not. He will himself conduct the men of the party to the billiard-room
+or the smoking-room and offer them cigarettes and whisky--if any."
+
+"Ah," said Davies, "then it isn't usual just to keep them sitting miserably
+on the steps watching the net float away?"
+
+John, on whose steps we were sitting, felt the need of speech.
+
+"I have often wondered," he said, turning to Miss Davies, "how your brother
+ever got into such a nice family as yours. How do you keep so cheerful with
+it always about?"
+
+"One gets used to it in time," said Miss Davies.
+
+"I suppose so," said John. "After all, we have the same sort of family
+disaster in Alan, but we manage to bear up."
+
+Davies rose.
+
+"You and I don't seem popular here," he said to me. "Will you conduct me to
+the billiard-room or the smoking-room? I am in need of a wash."
+
+"As a matter of general interest," said John to Miss Davies, "is it the
+correct thing to wash _before_ setting out to visit friends, or can it be
+left until some hours after arrival?"
+
+Miss Davies sighed heavily.
+
+"If you two are going to sit here thinking of clever remarks to make about
+each other I shall go home. For goodness' sake let's pretend we are
+enjoying ourselves."
+
+"I _am_ enjoying myself," said John plaintively; "I've been wanting to say
+what I really think of your brother for years."
+
+"Well, don't do it now. Things are miserable enough without having
+discussions on Arthur. Let's all have a game at something, shall we?"
+
+"Splendid idea," said her brother. "What about tennis?"
+
+"We might get into bathing togs and play polo," I suggested.
+
+"That's not a bad notion," said John, "and then he needn't have a wash
+until to-morrow."
+
+"I suggest," continued Miss Davies, "that we play at Word Chains."
+
+Davies buried his face in his hands and groaned.
+
+"It sounds fine," I said gallantly. "What is it?"
+
+"Well, it's really a sort of mind exercise. They recommend it in those
+courses, you know," said Miss Davies, "er--'it stimulates a logical
+sequence in reasoning and quickens the mental processes.'"
+
+"Is that what they say about it?" asked John fearfully.
+
+"But it makes a splendid game," added Miss Davies eagerly. "Let me explain
+it to you and you'll see. First of all we think of a word, such as--er--
+'margarine.'"
+
+"Why?" asked John.
+
+"It's part of the game, of course," said Miss Davies indignantly.
+
+"Oh, I see--of course. How stupid of me!" said John.
+
+"Then we think of another word quite different, such as--"
+
+"'Hippopotamus,'" I suggested.
+
+"That's right," said Miss Davies.
+
+I stood up and bowed.
+
+"Well, I'm hanged!" said John. "Jolly good, Alan. However did you guess it?
+Has he won?" he asked Miss Davies.
+
+"Of course not," said she; "we haven't begun yet."
+
+I sat down again hurriedly.
+
+"Then," continued Miss Davies, "we take turns, starting with the word
+'margarine' and making a chain, each word being connected in some way with
+the one before it. And whoever can get to the word 'hippopotamus' first has
+won."
+
+"One hippopotamus?" asked John.
+
+"WON," said Miss Davies sweetly.
+
+Her brother groaned again.
+
+"I'll just give you an easy example," went on Miss Davies enthusiastically,
+"and then we'll begin. Take the words 'fire' and 'nigger.' A good chain
+would be 'fire--coal--black--nigger.' Do you see?
+
+John and I made sounds expressing that we thought we did. Davies just went
+on groaning.
+
+"Very well," said Miss Davies, "we'll begin. Now don't forget. We start
+with 'margarine' and try to get to 'hippopotamus.' The great thing is to
+keep the word 'hippopotamus' in your mind all the time and keep trying to
+work towards it. Are you ready? Right! I'll start with 'grease.'"
+
+"Greece?" said John, looking startled.
+
+"Yes, margarine--grease," explained Miss Davies.
+
+"Oh, I see," said John, "er--oil."
+
+I thought seriously for a moment.
+
+"Salad," I said, looking round for approval.
+
+"Splendid," said Miss Davies. "Now you, Arthur."
+
+"I refuse--Oh, all right," he said. "Where have we--'salad'--er--
+'lobster.'"
+
+Do you catch the idea, as it were? We seemed to fall into the way of it in
+a moment. Once we had tried we progressed at a tremendous rate. Perhaps we
+are all very clever, or perhaps it was really easier than it seems in the
+telling, but looking back the conversation seems to have been simply
+brilliant.
+
+Well, here's an idea of how we went on, anyway, and you can judge for
+yourselves (Davies, you remember, has just snapped out "Lobster"):--
+
+_Miss Davies_ (quick as lightning). Shrimp.
+
+_John_. Whiskers. (A very subtle one, this.)
+
+_Me_. Beard. (Rather weak effort.)
+
+_Davies._ Moustache. (Weaker still; received with groans.)
+
+_Miss Davies_ (quick as another lightning). CHARLIE CHAPLIN. (Loud cheers
+here and laughter, followed by a long pause while John thinks.) At last:--
+
+_John._ MARY PICKFORD.
+
+_Me_ (after another pause). DOUGLAS FAIRBANKS.
+
+_Davies_ (indicating with a wave of the hand that it has been forced on
+him). D.W. GRIFFITHS.
+
+There is a slight hold-up at this point while Miss Davies tells her brother
+that he is not trying, and he says he knows he isn't. Miss Davies gets back
+on to the track amidst applause, however, with:--
+
+"Broken Blossoms."
+
+After this things went on for a long time, hours and hours I should say. I
+remember that we mentioned among many subjects of interest sausage-rolls,
+horoscopes, hair-pins, Cleopatra's Needle and lung-wort. I must resist the
+temptation to tell the whole absorbing story in detail, and skip rapidly to
+the point where the chase reached the following interesting stage:--
+
+_Miss Davies_ (still going strong). Whale.
+
+_John_ (struggling hard but growing weak). Oil.
+
+_Me_ (quite innocently). Grease.
+
+_Davies_ (triumphantly). MARGARINE.
+
+I looked at Miss Davies in embarrassment. John gazed round pitifully.
+
+"But," he murmured weakly, "isn't that where we started?"
+
+"Of course it is," said Miss Davies indignantly. "You've spoilt the whole
+game, Arthur."
+
+"Well, I can't help it," said her brother; "I thought that was the word we
+were after. What was it, anyway?"
+
+We all looked at the sky and thought hard.
+
+"Hanged if I know," said John.
+
+"I'm sure I don't," I said.
+
+"Well, isn't that ridiculous?" said Miss Davies.
+
+"Of course it is," said her brother brutally; "I _knew_ it was ridiculous
+from the beginning. _You_ said it quickened the mental processes. Would
+memory be one of them?"
+
+"Let's go inside and have some tea," said John.
+
+We crept quietly indoors.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Halfway through tea Miss Davies suddenly waved her teaspoon aloft. We
+looked at her and saw a great light shining in her eyes.
+
+"Hip--hip--hippopotamus!" she shrieked.
+
+We all agreed that Miss Davies had won.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: "PLAY US A CHUNE, MISTER."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+          MAGNANIMITY.
+
+  There was once a satirical pup
+  Who with newspaper rule was fed up,
+    So he wrote bitter rhymes
+    Which disparaged _The Times_
+  But were praised in its weekly _Lit. Supp._
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "The Canadian officials refused to allow her to land because she did
+    not proopse to carry out her original intention tom arry Captain ----,
+    and the New Yorkaut horities declined to interfere with the Canadian
+    decision."--_Daily Paper._
+
+But what we really want to know is where Tom and 'Arry come in.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "NEW YORK, Sunday.
+
+    The s.s. Minnehaha left here yesterday for London with fifty crates of
+    American birds and a great variety of animals.
+
+    Three trunks were carried for the oppossum to build in and for the
+    beavers to gnaw."--_Daily Mirror._
+
+Nothing is said about the other creatures' luggage.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+From the time-table of a Hampshire motor-service:--
+
+    "The Fares between any points on any route will be found where the
+    vertical line of figures under the name of one of the points meets the
+    horizontal line of figures which terminates in the name of the other of
+    the two points between which it is desired to travel."
+
+The Hampshire Hog needs to be a very learned pig.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Mother._ "WELL, DARLINGS, WHAT ARE YOU PLAYING?"
+
+_Margaret._ "WE'RE PLAYING AT WEDDINGS. I'M THE BRIDE AND BETTY'S THE
+BRIDESMAID."
+
+_Mother._ "BUT WHERE'S THE BRIDEGROOM?"
+
+_Margaret._ "OH, THIS IS A VERY QUIET WEDDING."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE REEFS.
+
+  All the grim rocks that stand guard about Scilly--
+  Wingletang, Great Smith and Little Granilly,
+  The Barrel of Butter, Dropnose and Hellweather--
+  Started to boast of their conquests together,
+  Of drowned men and gallant, tall vessels laid low
+  While gulls wheeled about them like flurries of snow
+  And green combers romped at them smashing in thunder,
+  Gurgling and booming in caverns down under,
+  Sending their diamond-drops flying in showers.
+  "Oh," said the reefs, "what a business is ours!
+  Since saints in coracles paddled from Erin
+  (Fishing our waters for sinners and herrin')
+  And purple-sailed triremes of Hamilco came
+  To the Islands of Tin, we've played at the game.
+  We shattered the galleys of conquering Rome,
+  The galleons of PHILIP that scudded for home
+  (The sea-molluscs slime on their glittering gear);
+  We plundered the plundering French privateer,
+  We caught the great Indiaman head in the wind
+  And gutted her hold of the treasures of Ind;
+  We sank a whole fleet of three-deckers one night
+  (The drift of the sand keeps their culverins bright),
+  And cloudy tea-clippers that raced from Canton
+  Swept into our clutches--and never went on.
+  Come steel leviathans scorning disaster
+  We scrapped them as fast--if anything faster.
+  So pick up your pilot and take a cross-bearing,
+  Sound us and chart us from Lion to Tearing,
+  And ring us with lighthouses, day-marks and buoys,
+  The gales are our hunters, the fogs our decoys.
+  We shall not go hungry; we grin and we wait,
+  Black-fanged and foam-drabbled, the wolves at the Gate."
+
+  PATLANDER.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+AWAY TO THE MEADOWS!
+
+Although the cost of everything is on the rise there are still a few good
+things that quite a little money can buy. One pound, for example--or, if
+you prefer it, twenty shillings--can work wonders by taking (under the
+auspices of the Children's Country Holiday Fund) a London child away from
+our smoke and grime for a fortnight of country air and surprises,
+excitements and joys. The Fund (the Hon. Treasurer of which is the Earl of
+ARRAN, 18, Buckingham Street, Strand, London) must not now be restricted
+because lodgings and railway fares are dearer. Last year the sum asked for
+each child was just half what is now required; but the increase is
+necessary. Yet even with the increase it is not great, considering the good
+that it can do! In spite of all the other claims of the moment upon his
+readers' generosity, Mr. Punch trusts that this modest and most excellent
+ameliorative organisation will not be neglected.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "The police are divided in their opinions as to whether Mamie is still
+    alive or whether she has gone to Canada."--_Provincial Paper._
+
+Why this "down" on the Dominion?
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: OUR PARISH CHURCH.
+
+JOHN BULL. "LET ME SEE, WE MUST BE ESPECIALLY GENEROUS TO-DAY. THE
+COLLECTION IS FOR THE RESTORATION FUND."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT.
+
+_Monday, July 5th._--When the Germans left Peking after the Boxer Rebellion
+they took with them the astronomical instruments which had hung for
+centuries on its walls. How the Celestial equivalent of _Old Moore_ has
+managed to translate the message of the stars without their assistance I
+cannot imagine; but the Chinese Government does not appear to be worrying,
+for, though it was specifically provided at Versailles that the instruments
+should be returned, China has omitted to sign the Peace Treaty.
+
+[Illustration: "A GENEROUS TEAPOT."
+
+COLONEL WEDGWOOD.]
+
+There are the makings of a great statesman in Sir JOHN REES. Some
+apprehension having been expressed lest France should prohibit the
+importation of silk mourning crepe and so injure an old British industry,
+he was quick to suggest a remedy. "Would it not be possible," he asked in
+his most insinuating tones, "to have a deal between silk and champagne?"
+And the House, which is not yet entirely composed of "Pussyfeet," gave him
+an approving cheer.
+
+A certain General GOLOVIN having published statements reflecting on Mr.
+CHURCHILL'S conduct of the campaign in North Russia last year, that section
+of the House which is always ready to take the word of any foreigner as
+against that of any Englishman, particularly of any English Minister, at
+once assumed that the charges were correct. The SECRETARY OF STATE FOR WAR
+was in his place, with the light of battle in his eye, ready to meet his
+enemies in the gate. But by the time Mr. BONAR LAW had done with them there
+was not much left of the charges. So far as the statements were true, he
+said, they merely repeated what was already familiar to the House.
+Everybody knew that the Government was helping the anti-Bolshevik forces
+last year. But the story that Mr. CHURCHILL had taken his orders from
+Admiral KOLTCHAK was both untrue and absurd. He had simply carried out the
+policy of the Government, a policy which, though some hon. Members did not
+seem to appreciate it, had now been altered.
+
+Committee on the Finance Bill saw the annual assault on the tea duty. "We
+are going to drop this duty directly we are in a position to do so," said
+Commander KENWORTHY, with his eye on the Treasury Bench. "Who are we?"
+shouted the Coalitionists; and it presently appeared that "we" did not
+include Sir DONALD MACLEAN, but did include Colonel WEDGWOOD, who, as
+becomes one of his name, was all for a generous tea-pot.
+
+[Illustration: LIEUT.-COMMANDER KENWORTHY GIVES AN INFERIOR IMITATION OF
+MR. CHARLES CHAPLIN.]
+
+Undeterred by his failure over tea, Commander KENWORTHY next attacked the
+duty on films, complaining _inter alia_, "Mr. CHAPLIN is taxed twenty
+pounds for every thousand feet." Mr. CHAMBERLAIN defended the tax on
+general grounds, but wisely avoided Mr. CHAPLIN'S feet, over which it is
+notoriously easy to trip.
+
+The debate on the beer duty shattered one more illusion. It is an article
+of faith with the "Wee Frees" that Sir GEORGE YOUNGER is the power behind
+the scenes, and that Mr. LLOYD GEORGE is a mere marionette, who only exists
+to do his bidding. Yet here was the autocrat confessing, _qua_ brewer, that
+the latest addition to the beer duty was the biggest surprise of his life.
+
+_Tuesday, July 6th._--The LORD CHANCELLOR'S request for leave of absence in
+order that he might attend the Spa Conference was granted. Lord CREWE'S
+remark, that it was "a matter of regret that the Government had to depend
+upon the noble and learned lord for legal assistance," might perhaps have
+been less ambiguously worded. At any rate Lord BIRKENHEAD thought it
+necessary to allay any possible apprehensions by adding that he would be
+accompanied by the ATTORNEY-GENERAL.
+
+The gist of Mr. CHURCHILL'S comprehensive reply to allegations of waste at
+Chilwell was that there were not enough sheds to cover all the stores, and
+that to build additional accommodation would cost more than it would save.
+There was a pleasant Hibernian flavour about his admission that the goods,
+"if they remained in their present condition, would, of course,
+deteriorate."
+
+Who says that D.O.R.A. has outlived her usefulness? The HOME SECRETARY
+announced that the sale of chocolates in theatres is still _verboten_, so
+the frugal swain, whose "best girl" has a healthy appetite, may breathe
+again.
+
+[Illustration: DAVID COPPERFIELD UP TO DATE.
+
+_Mr. Clynes._ "LOOK HERE--IF THE PRICE OF ALE KEEPS ON GOING UP LIKE THIS
+I'LL HAVE TO SPEAK TO AUSTEN CHAMBERLAIN ABOUT IT."]
+
+Mr. CLYNES, usually so cautious, was in a reckless mood. First he tried to
+move the adjournment over the GOLOVIN revelations, and was informed by the
+SPEAKER that a report of doubtful authenticity, relating to events that
+happened over a year ago, could hardly be described as either "urgent" or
+"definite."
+
+Next, on the Finance Bill, he shocked his temperance colleagues by boldly
+demanding cheaper beer. But, although he received the powerful support of
+Admiral Sir R. HALL, he failed to soften the heart of the CHANCELLOR, who
+declared that he must have his increased revenue, and that the beer-drinker
+must pay his share of it.
+
+Mr. CHAMBERLAIN turned a more sympathetic ear to the bark of another
+sea-dog, Admiral ADAIR, who sought a reduction of the tax on champagne, and
+mentioned the horrifying fact that even City Companies were abandoning its
+consumption. He received the unexpected support of Lieutenant-Commander
+KENWORTHY, who declared that Yorkshire miners always had a bottle after
+their day's work and denounced an impost that would rob a poor man of his
+"boy." Eventually the CHANCELLOR agreed to reduce the new _ad valorem_ duty
+by a third. He might have made the same reduction in the case of cigars but
+for the declaration of a Labour Member that this was becoming "a rich man's
+Budget from top to bottom."
+
+_Wednesday, July 7th._--Never was Lord Haldane's power of clear thinking
+employed to better advantage than in his lucid exposition of the Duplicands
+and Feu-duties (Scotland) Bill. I would not like to assert positively that
+all the Peers present fully grasped the momentous fact that a duplicand was
+a "casualty" and might be sometimes twice the feu-duty and sometimes three
+times that amount; but they understood enough to agree that it was a very
+fearful wild-fowl and ought to be restrained by law.
+
+After this piquant _hors-d'oeuvre_ they settled down to a solid joint of
+national finance, laid before them by Lord MIDLETON. I am afraid they would
+have found it rather indigestible but for the sauce provided by Lord
+INCHCAPE, who was positively skittish in his comments upon the extravagance
+of the Government, and on one occasion even indulged in a pun. In his view
+the Ministry of Transport was an entirely superfluous creation, solely
+arising out of the supposed necessity of finding a new job for Sir ERIC
+GEDDES. I suppose the PRIME MINISTER said, "Here's a square peg, look you;
+let us dig a hole round it."
+
+The LORD CHANCELLOR'S reply was vigorous but not altogether convincing. His
+description of the Government as a body of harassed and anxious economists
+did not altogether tally with his subsequent picture of the CHANCELLOR OF
+THE EXCHEQUER "always resisting proposals for expenditure made by his
+colleagues in the Cabinet." Despite his eloquence the Peers passed Lord
+MIDLETON'S motion by 95 votes to 23.
+
+The Commons made good progress with the Finance Bill, though there was a
+good deal of justifiable criticism of its phraseology. The SECRETARY OF THE
+TREASURY admitted that there was one clause of which he did not understand
+a word, but wisely refused to specify it. Colonel WEDGWOOD advanced the
+remarkable proposition that "the workers in the long run pay all the
+taxes," but did not jump at Captain ELLIOTT'S suggestion that in that case
+it would save trouble if the CHANCELLOR were to levy all the taxes on the
+working classes direct. When asked to extend further relief to charities
+Mr. CHAMBERLAIN sought a definition of "charity." Would it apply, for
+example, to "the association of a small number of gentlemen in distress
+obeying the law of self-preservation in the face of world-forces which
+threaten to sweep them out of existence"? I seem to hear _Mr. Wilkins
+Micawber_ reply, "The answer is in the affirmative."
+
+_Thursday, July 8th._--In the absence of the LORD CHANCELLOR the Gas
+Regulation Bill was entrusted to the UNDER-SECRETARY FOR AIR. The mingling
+of gas and air has before now been known to produce an explosion, but on
+this occasion Lord LONDONDERRY so deftly handled his material that not a
+single Peer objected to the Second Reading.
+
+The proceedings in the Lower House were much more lively. Mr. STANTON
+threatened that there would be a general strike of Members of Parliament
+unless their salaries were increased; but Mr. BONAR LAW seemed to be more
+amused than alarmed at the prospect. The CHANCELLOR OF THE EXCHEQUER was
+asked point-blank whether he was satisfied with the reduction in the
+bureaucracy during the last six months, and replied that he was not, and
+had therefore appointed Committees to investigate the staffs in seven of
+the Departments. The number is unfortunately suggestive.
+
+  "If seven maids with seven mops
+    Swept it for half a year,
+  Do you suppose," the Walrus said,
+    "That they could get it clear?"
+
+[Illustration: MR. MONTAGU S'EXCUSE.]
+
+And we know what the Carpenter replied.
+
+If an unnecessary amount of heat was engendered by the debate on General
+DYER'S case the fault must be partly attributed to the INDIAN SECRETARY'S
+opening speech. "Come, Montagu, for thou art early up" is a line from one
+of the most poignant scenes in SHAKSPEARE; but early rising, at Westminster
+as elsewhere, is not always conducive to good temper.
+
+Members who thought with Sir EDWARD CARSON that General DYER had not been
+fairly treated resented Mr. MONTAGU'S insinuation that in that case they
+were condoning "frightfulness." Mr. CHURCHILL was more judicious, and Mr.
+BONAR LAW did his level best to keep his followers in the Government Lobby.
+But Sir A. HUNTER-WESTON'S reminder that by the instructions issued by the
+civil authority to General DYER he was ordered "to use all force necessary.
+No gathering of persons nor procession of any sort will be allowed. All
+gatherings will be fired on," confirmed them in the view that the GENERAL
+was being made a scape-goat. No fewer than 129 voted against the
+Government, whose majority would have been very minute but for the
+assistance of its usual foes, the "Wee Frees" and Labourites.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "Keble's own future should be all the more secure in a University in
+    which there is not only complete religious intolerance but complete
+    religious equality."--_Local Paper._
+
+Poor old Oxford! Still "the home of lost causes" apparently.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "Few stories of London origin are more familiar than that of the cabby
+    who, regarding his day off as one of his indisputable rights, spent it
+    each week in riding about the City with a fellow cabby in order to keep
+    him company."--_Sunday Paper._
+
+That's why they called him a busman and his holiday a busman's holiday.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "Do you remember the sad fate of a certain distinguished hostess who
+    found herself at midnight left with only a few hogs and elderly men to
+    entertain her pretty girl guests, and the sudden epidemic of rents that
+    necessitated a rush to the cloakroom for mending."--_Evening Paper._
+
+The ripping property of tusks is well known.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: THE WOMAN-HATER.]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+FAR-EASTERN ENGLISH.
+
+A returning circumnavigator reports that the passengers on the boat--a
+Japanese liner--coming from Yokohama to Honolulu were apprised of the fact
+that they were to have two Thursdays, one immediately following the other
+(and you can have no notion how long a second Thursday can be), owing to
+the crossing of the imaginary but very boring line which divides the two
+hemispheres. The official notice came from the captain's own hand. The ship
+had an American purser and an American chief steward, and there were many
+English on board, but the gallant little commander preferred to tackle the
+linguistic problem unaided. On Wednesday, therefore, the board had this
+announcement pinned to it:--"As she will be crossed the meridian of 180
+to-morrow, so to-morrow again." Could, after the first blow, anything be
+clearer?
+
+Meanwhile from Siam come the glad tidings that the British residents in
+Bangkok are to have a new paper. That the editorial promises are rich the
+following extracts sufficiently prove:--
+
+"The news of English we tell the latest, writ in perfect style and
+earliest. Do a murder get commit, we hear and tell of it. Do a mighty chief
+die, we publish it in borders of sombre. Staff has each one been college
+and writes like the Kipling and the Dickens. We circulate every town and
+extortionate not for advertisements. Buy it."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+RATHER A TALL ORDER.
+
+    "FOR SALE.
+
+    Grey flannel suit made by English tailor in January last, unworn Rs.
+    50; chest 39, height 8ft. 5 inches."--_Indian Paper._
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "Small (Elephant) Pram, as new, extending back, 6 gns."--_Local Paper._
+
+Thanks; but we always take our elephant in the side-car.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "Samuel Johnson, who had pleaded guilty yesterday to stealing a wallet,
+    was sentenced to three months' hard labour."--_Evening Paper._
+
+When he comes out (if there is any truth in BOSWELL) he will make a pun.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+          VERS LIBRE.
+
+  There was an old man of Dunoon
+  Who always ate soup with a fork;
+    For he said, "As I eat
+    Neither fish, fowl or flesh
+  I should finish my dinner too quick."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "It is as well to note that during dry weather it is always advisable
+    to pass the watering-can along the rows of plants in order to moisten
+    the soil."--_Daily Paper._
+
+This means, we think, "Water the garden."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "The City views with the gravest concern the existence of places like
+    Didcot."--_Daily Paper._
+
+There is reason to believe that Didcot entertains precisely similar
+feelings in regard to the City.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+COMMERCIAL CANDOUR.
+
+    "For Lightweight Motor Cycles there is no alternative to the ----
+    MAGNETO. Maximum Weight. Minimum Performance."--_Trade Paper._
+
+    "Reason and instinct dictate the smoking of a cigarette that will give
+    the minimum of pleasure at a moderate cost."--_Advt. in Evening Paper._
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+OUR PASTORAL.
+
+"Hulloa, Melhuish," I said, "after all you had ideal weather for your
+_Midsummer Night's Dream_ yesterday."
+
+"Ideal," said Melhuish moodily.
+
+"Really, if you'd picked the day it couldn't have been better. You want
+peculiar atmospheric conditions for a pastoral, don't you? Just enough sun,
+not too much wind, temperature congenial for sitting out-of-doors. You had
+'em all."
+
+Melhuish nodded.
+
+"Your garden must be looking like fairyland too now with the roses out and
+the trees in all their full summer greenery."
+
+He nodded again.
+
+"What a setting for the _Dream_! It drew a crowd, of course?"
+
+"Yes, we drew the county."
+
+I sighed regretfully. "How I wish I hadn't funked it, but with my lumbago I
+never dare risk damp grass and it looked so awfully like rain in the
+morning."
+
+Melhuish suddenly got excited. "_Looked_ like rain!" he said violently. "It
+_did_ rain. It rained several drops. I never saw such drops, as big as
+saucers. Perhaps you didn't hear the thunder?"
+
+"My dear bean," I said, "it was the thunder which put me off coming to see
+you as _Bottom_ and Mrs. Melhuish as _Titania_ in the most idyllic
+surroundings I can imagine."
+
+"You wouldn't have seen us in any idyllic surroundings," said Melhuish. He
+had relapsed into moodiness again. I could see there was something serious.
+
+"What happened, old friend?" I said gently.
+
+"We began rehearsing during that glorious spell of sunshine in the spring,
+when the garden was a carpet of daffodils and it was a sheer joy to play
+about out-of-doors. Then the weather broke for a time and we migrated to
+the Parish Hall. You know our Parish Hall?"
+
+"Quite well. A little tin place on the left from the rectory."
+
+"That's it. It's got a platform on trestles at one end and a paraffin lamp
+in the middle. The Vicar placed it at our disposal when there wasn't a
+Women's Institute or a choir practice, and on chilly nights he had the
+'Beatrice stove' lit for us. Then the Summer began in real earnest. We got
+in extra gardeners, worked like niggers ourselves, and when the turf was in
+perfect condition and the thyme was coming up on _Titania's_ bank we fixed
+the date and billed the county.
+
+"After that we all got nervous and went about consulting weather forecasts.
+_Old Moore_ prophesied heavy rains. The _Daily Mail_ said a cyclone from
+New York was on the way. The weather-glasses jumped about and seemed to
+know their own minds even less than usual. Three days before the date
+thunderstorms were reported all over the country and a fowl was struck by
+lightning. But not a drop of rain came to our village.
+
+"At the dress-rehearsal the night before the performance we debated the
+weather prospects until the moon rose. _Lysander_ said his bit of seaweed
+which he brought from Bognor was as dry as parched peas and he would back
+it against any fool barometer. Cocklewhite, our prompter, said he didn't
+want to depress the company, but he had a leech in a bottle of water which
+rose for fine weather and sank for wet, and he was bound to tell us it was
+like lead at the bottom at the present moment. _Hermia_ pointed to the
+heavens, 'Red sky at night shepherds' delight,' she quoted. There was no
+getting away from the swallows; they were nose-diving to a bird. 'Hang
+swallows,' _Oberon_ said; 'put your trust in mosquitoes. Look at my
+eyelid.'
+
+"'It's no good talking,' _Theseus_ said; 'nobody can tell until the
+morning, and then it'll be up to _Bottom_ to decide by 11.30 whether it's
+to be indoors or out. He's our stage-manager and we know his arrangements
+in case of rain. They're the only arrangements possible in our little
+village, and it's going to be a nightmare instead of a dream if they have
+to be carried out. But we can depend upon _Bottom_ to make a wise decision.
+He'll notify us and the boy-scouts will notify the audience. All we've got
+to do is not to grouse.'
+
+"Cocklewhite said he would phone me the position of his leech at 9 A.M.,
+and _Lysander_ promised to report any change in the condition of the
+seaweed. I set our glass and _Titania_ and I got up at half-hour intervals
+during the night and tapped it. It refused to budge either way.
+
+"At dawn _Titania_ looked out of the window and gave a wild cry. 'Red sky
+in the morning shepherds' warning,' she wailed. At breakfast Cocklewhite
+phoned that his leech was dead, and he had strong suspicions it had died
+from atmospheric pressure. Almost at the same moment _Lysander_ sent word
+that his seaweed had gone clammy during the night. Half-an-hour later came
+a clap of thunder and the drops of rain I mentioned. I needn't go on. You
+can guess the rest."
+
+Melhuish paused.
+
+"But the performance came off, didn't it?" I said.
+
+"Yes, in the Parish Hall. It was a perfect day for a pastoral."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Profiteer._ "I WANT YOU TO PAINT ME WITH A BOOK IN MY 'AND
+AND MY VALET STANDIN' UNOBTRUSIVELY IN THE BACKGROUND IN CASE I MIGHT WISH
+TO CALL 'IM."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A CLEAN HITTER.
+
+    "J. ---- carried his bath through the innings."--_Scotch Paper._
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "Fishing near the bridge on Monday a schoolboy caught a chub with
+    artificial fly weighing 2lbs. 15ozs."--_Local Paper._
+
+It is supposed that the unfortunate fish was struck on the head and
+stunned.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "After long delays a new Polish Cabinet has been formed under Mr.
+    Grabski. He would annex much Russian territory outright."--_Weekly
+    Paper._
+
+_Pace_ SHAKSPEARE, there would seem to be something in a name.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+"THAT QUEER FISH THE SALMON.
+
+    Some fish are 'takers,' some are not, but most salmon can be worried
+    into talking."--_Daily Paper._
+
+Whereas most fishermen chatter of their own accord.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Fair Skipper._ "WIND GETTIN' UP NICELY--WHAT?"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+HARDING AND COX.
+
+(_Being an inquiry into the two Candidates for the Presidency of the United
+States of America._)
+
+  I wish I knew some facts regarding
+  The private life of Mr. HARDING;
+    I wish that I had simply stocks
+    Of anecdotes of Mr. COX.
+
+  In U.S.A. (where both are resident
+  And each one hoping to be President)
+    Their favourite hymns, their size in boots,
+    Their views on liquor and cheroots
+
+  Are known to all; not JULIUS CAESAR
+  Is quite so much renowned as these are.
+    In England, where they do not dwell,
+    No one appears to know them well.
+
+  One cannot say if COX'S liver
+  Keeps well upon the Swanee River,
+    Nor whether HARDING finds, when glum,
+    Any relief in chewing gum.
+
+  It may be that they both have good rows
+  Of dental ornaments like WOODROW'S,
+    The waist of TAFT, the ROOSEVELT eye
+    For pinking hippopotami.
+
+  It may be HARDING had some flickers
+  Of CLEVELAND'S spirit whilst in knickers,
+    And COX while yet a puling babe
+    Dreamed tiny dreams of LINCOLN (ABE);
+
+  And both, although they knew they'd catch it,
+  Cut fruit-trees with a little hatchet;
+    Both may have been, when glorious youths,
+    Too proud to fight or tell untruths.
+
+  I cannot say. I know they wrangle
+  On points I dare not disentangle,
+    That one of them's a Democrat
+    And t' other's not. And that is that.
+
+  EVOE.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+GEE!
+
+On the upper floors of a shop in the Strand, between Wellington Street and
+the Savoy, is a well-known maker of fowling-pieces, who gave me a terrible
+start the other day; and probably not me alone, but many passers-by who
+chanced to look upwards at his windows. For he is at the moment advertising
+the most undesirable article in the world, a commodity for which I can
+conceive of no demand whatever. Yet there--the result of the caprice of
+adhesive cement or the desire of one letter of the alphabet to get level
+with its neighbour and be dropped too--the amazing notice is, in
+conspicuous white enamel:--
+
+SECOND HAND
+UNS.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE DOMESTIC PROBLEM SOLVED.
+
+    "A Lady wishes to meet with a gentleman or lady to share her home as
+    sole paying guest; one with a hobby for gardening preferred; every home
+    comfort; terms, L300 per annum."--_Sunday Paper._
+
+We are desirous of entertaining, on the same terms, a lady (or gentleman)
+with a _penchant_ for cooking and washing-up.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "The Hindus and Mahomedans are the two eyes of India, but have long
+    been engaged in a tug-of-war. On account of this cleavage both have
+    suffered, but now the wall of separation is broken down, and they are
+    coming together like sugar and milk, the bitter feelings between them
+    having been pulled out like a thorn. They are advised to give up biting
+    each other for the future."--_Indian Paper._
+
+Or our contemporary will have exhausted its stock of metaphors.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A STORY ABOUT A CLOCK.
+
+Our move-in took place in no furtive or clandestine fashion; our
+installation of ourselves in our semi-detached was performed well under the
+eye of the neighbouring public. Our furniture waited on the public
+thoroughfare until our new home was ready to receive it. Small children
+played games on our sofa; enthusiastic acquaintances played tunes on our
+piano. In a word, our move-in was a local festival; everyone took part.
+This is the sad tale of the man who took the most expensive part--the
+clock.
+
+If the hard choice had been put to Diana, my wife, to say which she could
+least sorrowfully part with, me or the clock, the clock would have stayed.
+If I had been put to the same dismal alternative as to Diana or the clock,
+Diana would have gone. In fact, directly the clock was safely in Diana had
+gone out. That was all she cared about; small children might play on the
+sofa, enthusiastic acquaintances might play on the piano, and I might toil
+unremittingly with everything else, for all Diana cared. So, the clock
+being in, out she went upon her lawful or unlawful purposes. As she
+departed she said something about my seeing to the clock. I remembered that
+later on, but I remembered it wrong. This is how I did it.
+
+The man sat a little on my own special chair (at that time on the pavement)
+before he came in. I asked him what he was sitting there for. He got up and
+came inside. Then I asked him what he had come in for, and he said, "The
+clock." I looked at the clock and it had stopped. I gave it a shake, and it
+still stopped. He said it was no good shaking it; that only annoyed it. He
+said he had come to look after it. He then took off his hat and his coat,
+moved the fingers about, put his ears to it to hear its heart beating, and
+asked me what I had been doing to it. I said I hadn't been doing anything
+to it; he watched me doing things to everything else, and adopted an
+expression as if to say he didn't believe me. He gave me the feeling that I
+was a very interfering person, and that he didn't want to have anything
+more to do with me. He said he should have to take the clock away. I asked
+him when he would bring it back. He said he didn't know. He appeared to
+take a pessimistic view of it. I asked him cheerfully if he would _ever_
+bring it back. He gave me a contemptuous look and, without another word,
+went, taking the clock with him.
+
+When Diana came back she asked where the clock was. I said it had gone.
+"Gone where?" asked Diana. I said I didn't know; the man had taken it.
+"What man?" asked Diana. I was trying to move the sofa at the moment and I
+was inclined to be short-spoken. I said that the man who had taken it was,
+no doubt, the man whom Diana had gone forth to find and bid take away our
+clock. Diana said that, if the man had said that she had said that he might
+take our clock away, the man was a liar. _Had_ the man said that she had
+said he might take the clock away? The answer was in the negative.
+
+Then the truth emerged. The man had stolen our clock. I had assisted the
+man to steal our clock, helping him to lift it off its perch and handing
+him his bowler hat as he left.
+
+It all sounds incredible, doesn't it? But you will admit, I am sure, that
+it is a thing which could quite easily happen to anyone. Isn't it?
+
+To be quite frank, I have improved the story a bit. The clock wasn't really
+stolen.
+
+Was the man really taking it away to repair it? No; to tell you the truth
+he didn't actually take it away at all. In fact, I might as well own that
+no man ever came into the house while I was shifting the furniture in from
+the street. And, if you want to know, I never had a clock ... nor a wife
+... nor a house.
+
+The mere fact of my pretending that there _are_ such things as semi-
+detacheds for people to move into these days ought to have put you wise
+from the start that the whole tale was a fabrication.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+CURES WORTH MAKING.
+
+(_By our Medical Expert._)
+
+_The Times_, in its daily summary of "News in Advertisements" recently
+called attention to the appeal of an invalided officer who "will be glad to
+give a hundred pounds to any doctor, nerve specialist or hospital that can
+cure him of occupation neurosis and writer's cramp." A careful study of
+other newspapers shows that offers of handsome remuneration for cures are
+not confined to those who have suffered from the War, but are made by
+civilians and officials of the highest position in public life. We append a
+few outstanding examples of the splendid opportunities now provided to
+psycho-pathological specialists:--
+
+A Cabinet Minister of massive physique, perfect self-confidence and
+immovable determination, who has had varied experience in different
+business callings and (up to a certain point) unvarying success, offers
+five thousand pounds to any professor of deportment or member of the Old
+Nobility in reduced circumstances who will impart to him suavity of manner,
+tact and diplomatic courtesy, the lack of which constitutes the sole
+obstacle to his achieving immortality. If the instructor can succeed in
+making him (the Cabinet Minister) really beloved the honorarium will be
+doubled.
+
+An Editor of thirty years' experience as a journalist, first-rate linguist,
+deeply versed in geography, Central European politics, etc., will give five
+hundred pounds to any mental specialist, registered or unregistered, who
+will cure him of an irresistible temptation on all occasions, with or
+without provocation, to utilise every incident, occurrence, calamity or
+disaster as a means of assailing and undermining the position of the
+Coalition Government in general and the PRIME MINISTER in particular.
+
+A Member of Parliament, formerly attached to one of His Majesty's services,
+is prepared to offer fifty pounds to any phrenologist who without
+inflicting undue pain will reduce or remove the Bump of Curiosity which at
+present impels him without rhyme or reason to bombard Ministers with
+irrelevant questions contrary to the public interest and calculated to
+produce the maximum amount of irritation even amongst Members who sit on
+the same side of the House.
+
+A Peer of great wealth, striking physiognomy, affectionate disposition and
+wonderful general knowledge will pay the sum of twenty thousand pounds to
+any psychiatric practitioner who succeeds in eliminating from his system
+the microbe of filmolatry, the ravages of which have latterly threatened to
+infect his monumental mind with histrionic monomania highly deleterious to
+the best interests of the community.
+
+A neo-Georgian poet, disciple of FREUD, pacificist and vegetarian, will
+gladly pay five pounds to any psychopathic suggestionist who will extirpate
+from his subconsciousness the lingering relics of an antipathy to
+syncopated rhythms which retard his progress towards a complete mastery of
+the technique of amorphous bombination.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+ANOTHER "SUBSTITUTE."
+
+    "For the first time on record snow has fallen at Albany, Western
+    Australia.
+
+    The Food Ministry announces that this surplus will therefore be
+    available for home jam-making."--_Provincial Paper._
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "The Roman poets, all of them inveterate Cockneys, talk of the joys of
+    the country, of purling streams and lowing kine and frisking lamps."--
+    _Weekly Paper._
+
+And their verses occasionally smell of them.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Prospective Mistress._ "ARE YOU A CONSISTENTLY EARLY
+RISER?"
+
+_Maid._ "NOT ARF! WHY, MUM, IN MY LAST PLACE THE MASTER'S PET NAME FOR ME
+WAS 'THE EARLY WORM.'"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+OUR BOOKING-OFFICE.
+
+(_By Mr. Punch's Staff of Learned Clerks._)
+
+_Rescue_ (DENT) is a story in the authentic manner of Mr. JOSEPH CONRAD at
+his unapproachable best. If it is true, as one has heard, that the book was
+begun twenty-five years ago and resumed lately, this explains but does
+nothing to minimize a fact upon which we can all congratulate ourselves.
+The setting is the shallow seas of the Malay coast, where _Lingard_, an
+adventurer (most typically CONRAD) whose passion in life is love for his
+brig, has pledged himself to aid an exiled young Rajah in the recovery of
+his rights. At the last moment however, when his plans are at point of
+action, the whole scheme is thwarted by the stranding of a private yacht
+containing certain persons whose rescue (complicated by his sudden
+subjection to the woman of the party) eventually involves _Lingard_ in the
+loss of fortune and credit. Perhaps you can suppose what Mr. CONRAD makes
+of a theme so congenial; how the tale moves under his hand in what was once
+well called that "smoky magnificence" of atmosphere, just permitting the
+reader to observe at any moment so much and no more of its direction. Of
+the style it would now be superfluous to speak. It has been given to Mr.
+CONRAD, working in what is originally a foreign medium, to use it with a
+dignity unsurpassed by any of our native craftsmen. Such phrases as (of the
+prudent mate remonstrating with _Lingard_): "What he really wanted was to
+have his existence left intact, for his own cherishing and pride;" or
+again, "The situation was too complicated to be entrusted to a cynical or
+shameless hope," give one the quick pleasure of words so delicately and
+deftly used as to seem newly coined. _Rescue_, in short, is probably the
+greatest novel of the year, one by which its author has again enriched our
+literature with work of profound and moving quality.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+I was inclined to flatter myself that nothing in the plot of _The Silver
+Tea-shop_ (STANLEY PAUL) could possibly take me by surprise, but I found
+towards the end that Miss E. EVERETT GREEN had contrived to slip in the
+real villain all unsuspected while I, as she meant me to, was staring hard
+at the supposed one, so that there I must acknowledge myself defeated. With
+a stolen invention, an old gentleman found shot in his room, and a son
+under a vow to avenge his father, the story provides plenty of thrills, and
+the "Silver Tea-shop" itself has the fascination that business ventures in
+books often exercise. It seems to be run on such lavish lines for the
+prices charged that I found myself looking hungrily for its address. I wish
+the author had not referred to her hero as having "mobile digits" and
+burdened her ingenuous story with anything so important as a prologue. By
+making the villain's deserted offspring not one baby girl only, or even
+twins, but triplets, Miss EVERETT GREEN provides waitresses all of one
+family for the "Silver Tea-shop," and that, though a happy arrangement, is
+a little too uncommon to add to the likelihood of an unconvincing tale.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+When a book is succinctly labelled _Love Stories_ (DORAN), at least no one
+has any right to complain that he wasn't warned beforehand of the character
+of its contents. As a matter of fact, human nature being what it is, I have
+little doubt that Mrs. MARY ROBERTS RINEHART has hit upon a distinctly
+profitable title. Indeed I believe that this has already been proved in the
+Land of Freedom, from which the work comes to us, where (I am given to
+understand) the vogue of sentimental fiction is even greater than with
+ourselves. What the name does nothing to indicate is that the stories are
+almost all of them laid in or about hospital wards. For some, perhaps most,
+of the author's admirers this may serve only to increase the charm; for
+others, who prefer their romance unflavoured with iodoform, not. Undeniable
+that she has a smiling way with her, and a gift of sympathetic enjoyment
+that carries off the old, old dialogues, even imparting freshness to the
+tale of the patient _in extremis_ who persuades his attractive nurse into a
+death-bed marriage, treatment that the slightest experience of fiction
+should have warned her to be invariably curative. Perhaps the best of the
+tales is "Jane," which tells very amusingly the results of a hospital
+strike that in actual life would, I imagine, have provided little humorous
+relief. By this time you may have gathered that what matters about Mrs.
+RINEHART is not what she says but the way that she says it; upon which hint
+you can act as fancy dictates.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+I very distinctly feel that "KATHARINE TYNAN" could have made a first-rate
+novel of _Denys the Dreamer_ (COLLINS) and have had plenty over for a good
+second if she had taken the trouble. But her fluent pen runs away with her
+down paths that lead nowhere in particular, instead of developing her main
+characters and situations to an intelligible and satisfactory point.
+_Denys_ is of a gentle Irish family that has come down to very small
+farming. He dreams good, solid and rather Anglo-Saxon dreams of draining
+bogs on the sea-coast estates of _Lord Leenane_, whose agent he becomes
+(and whose daughter he loves from afar), and of a great port that is to
+rival Belfast. Unexpected, not to say incredible, assistance comes from a
+Jew money-lender and his wife. The portraits of _Mr._ and _Mrs. Aarons_ are
+the best things in the book, and I hope Mrs. HINKSON will make a novel
+about these two admirable people some day soon. _Denys_ makes his own and
+his patron's fortune and I am sure lives happily ever after with _Dawn_,
+who is the palest wraith of a girl, owing to the shameful neglect of her
+author, who is too busy putting large sums of money into the pockets of the
+principal puppets. Indeed, for a West Coast of Ireland story a demoralising
+amount of money is going about.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+The principal scenes of _The North Door_ (CONSTABLE) are laid in the
+Cornwall of some hundred-and-thirty years ago, and I welcome Dr. GREVILLE
+MACDONALD as an expert in the Cornish language and character. Cornwall, as
+all readers of fiction know, has during the last few years been attacked
+again and again by novelists, and most of them would do well to study Dr.
+MACDONALD'S romance and most thoroughly to digest it. In form, however, he
+will have little to teach them, for his book is very indifferently
+constructed. It may seem ungrateful in these rather skimpy days to complain
+of a surfeit of matter, but there is stuff in this book for two if not
+three novels. One cannot blame Dr. MACDONALD for his indignation at the
+miseries of child-labour, but here it is perhaps out of place. His _Mr.
+Trevenna_, the mystical parson, friend of smugglers and of everyone who
+suffered from laws (unrighteous or righteous), is a great figure; and I
+shall not soon forget either his correspondence with _Lady Evangeline
+Walrond_ or his superhuman kindliness of heart. If you want to get at the
+true flavour of Cornwall you have only to open _The North Door_.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A young clerk in an insurance office, who wanted to go as a missionary to
+India, is the hero, if there is one, of Mrs. ALICE PERRIN'S latest novel,
+_The Vow of Silence_ (CASSELL). I have never read a book about India which
+made such an ambition seem more courageous, for it gives such a hot and
+thirsty picture of that country when _Harold Williams_ at last reaches it
+that it is positively uncomfortable to read it in Summer weather. _Harold_
+and his brother and sister missionaries live in a state of stuffy
+discomfort which soon undermines his health and leaves him no defence
+against the charms of _Elaine Taverner_, who has a large cool drawing-room
+and dainty frocks, and a young soldier lover and an old scholar husband,
+and all the other things we expect of pretty young women in Anglo-Indian
+novels. Poor _Harold_, consumed at once by a zeal which makes him long to
+save _Elaine's_ soul and a passion which makes him embrace a parcel of her
+_lingerie_, very naturally loses the remains of his reason and paves the
+way for her marriage with her lover by obligingly pushing the elderly
+husband into the jaws of a crocodile. If it were more convincing it would
+be a painful story--in some hands it might have been a great one; as it is,
+Mrs. PERRIN seems for once to have missed her opportunity.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+If the publisher of _About It And About_ had told me on the wrapper that
+Mr. D. WILLOUGHBY has an excellent fund of literary reminiscence, on which
+he draws for the modelling of a very pretty epigrammatical style, I should,
+after reading the book, have agreed with him heartily. What Mr. T. FISHER
+UNWIN does say about these short essays, which embrace most of the subjects
+on which people have violent opinions, is that the author's "point of view
+is that of the natural historian making an unprejudiced examination." An
+unprejudiced man, I take it, is a man whose sentiments are the same as
+mine, and I happen to disagree with Mr. WILLOUGHBY as profoundly as
+possible on several of the themes he has chosen. On fox-hunting, for
+instance, which he considers a more decadent sport than bull-fighting; and
+on Ulster, which he attacks bitterly by comparison with the rest of
+Ireland, for cherishing antiquated political animosities and talking about
+the Battle of the Boyne. But will Mr. WILLOUGHBY not have been hearing of
+"the curse of CROMWELL"? Let us rather agree to be impatient with Yorkshire
+for her absurd tranquillity with regard to WILLIAM THE FIRST. I repeat that
+Mr. WILLOUGHBY has a very clever style, but, bless his heart, he is as
+bigoted as I am myself.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Occupant of Pew._ "ENTIRELY SELF-MADE. ORIGINALLY A WAITER,
+AS YOU CAN SEE."]
+
+
+
+
+
+
+End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol.
+159, July 14th, 1920, by Various
+
+*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH ***
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