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diff --git a/.gitattributes b/.gitattributes new file mode 100644 index 0000000..6833f05 --- /dev/null +++ b/.gitattributes @@ -0,0 +1,3 @@ +* text=auto +*.txt text +*.md text diff --git a/16592-8.txt b/16592-8.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..d9a2b31 --- /dev/null +++ b/16592-8.txt @@ -0,0 +1,2267 @@ +The Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 159, +July 14th, 1920, by Various + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 159, July 14th, 1920 + +Author: Various + +Release Date: August 25, 2005 [EBook #16592] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1 + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH *** + + + + +Produced by Jonathan Ingram, Keith Edkins and the Online +Distributed Proofreading Team at https://www.pgdp.net + + + + + +PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. + +VOL. 159. + + + +July 14th, 1920. + + + + +CHARIVARIA. + +We understand that it has now been decided that the Ex-Kaiser will travel +to England for his trial by way of the Channel Tunnel. + +* * * + +A new coal war is anticipated by _The Daily Express_. The difficulty is in +knowing where the last coal war ended and this one will begin. + +* * * + +We understand that the Government fixture card is not yet complete and they +still have a few open dates for Peace Conferences (away matches) for medium +teams. + +* * * + +The world's largest blasting-furnace has been opened at Ebbw Vale. It is +expected however that others will flare up immediately the CHANCELLOR'S +proposals go through. + +* * * + +"Militarism has created a dragon whose fangs will never properly be drawn," +announces a writer in a Sunday paper. This charge against MR. WINSTON +CHURCHILL'S dentist is, in our opinion, most unkind. + +* * * + +The report that the Turks had appealed to the Allies to stop the new war in +Asia Minor turns out to be incorrect. What the Turks demand is that the +Allies shall stop the Greek end of it. + +* * * + +"I would like to take a great piece of England back to America as a +souvenir of the happy time I have recently spent there," exclaimed Miss +MARY PICKFORD to a reporter in Belgium. Arrangements, we hear, are now +being hastily made to offer her the whole of Ireland if she will take it +away during this month. + +* * * + +According to a local paper a lawyer living in Birmingham, returning +unexpectedly from the theatre, discovered two burglars at work in his +library. It is reported, however, that the intruders with great presence of +mind immediately retained him for their defence. + +* * * + +Several workhouses in the South of England now possess tennis-courts and +bowling-greens. It is satisfactory to note that preparations are at last +being made to receive the New Poor. + +* * * + +We are glad to learn that the two members of a well-known club in the City +who inadvertently took away their own umbrellas have now agreed to exchange +same, so that the reputation of the club shall not suffer. + +* * * + +A Warwickshire miner summoned for not sending his child to school is +reported to have pleaded that he saw a red triangle danger notice above the +word "school" and therefore kept his daughter away. + +* * * + +"We must have support," said the POSTMASTER-GENERAL last week. We can only +say that we always buy our stamps at one of his post-offices. + +* * * + +A little domestic tragedy was enacted in London last week. It appears that +a small boy, on being offered a penny by his mother, who had just returned +from the winter sales, refused it, saying that he was not allowed to accept +money from strangers. + +* * * + +An official of the New York Y.W.C.A. inquires whether a woman of thirty +years is young. A more fair question would be, "When is a woman thirty +years of age?" + +* * * + +President C.W. ELIOT, of Harvard University, says Britishers drink tea +because it feeds the brain. Our own opinion is that we drink it because we +have tasted our coffee. + +* * * + +So many servant-girls are being enticed from one house to another that +several houses now display the notice, "Visitors are requested to refrain +from stealing the servants." + +* * * + +Under a new Order public-houses will not open until seven in the evening on +Sundays. This seems to be another attempt to discourage early rising on +that day. + +* * * + +Two men have been arrested at Oignies, Pas de Calais, for selling stones as +coal. We fancy we know the coal-dealer from whom they got this wrinkle. + +* * * + +Speaking at Sheffield University last week, Sir ERIC GEDDES said he hoped +to see the day when there would be a degree of Transport. What we're +getting now, we gather, can't really be called Transport at all. + +* * * + +A live mussel measuring six inches has been found inside a codfish at +Newcastle. We expect that if the truth was known the mussel snapped at the +cod-fish and annoyed it. + +* * * + +A soldier arrested at Dover told the police he was _Sydney Carton_, the +hero of _The Tale of Two Cities_. He is supposed to be an impostor. + +* * * + +A market-gardener in Surrey is said to be the double of Mr. WINSTON +CHURCHILL. Since this announcement it is stated that the poor fellow has +been inundated with messages of sympathy. + +* * * + +"The secret of success," says Mr. W. HARRIS, "is hard work." Still, some +people would scorn to take advantage of another man's secret. + +* * * + +Wives, said the Judge of the Clerkenwell County Court recently, are not so +ignorant that they do not know what their husband's earnings are. There is +no doubt, however, that many workmen's wives simply pocket the handful of +bank-notes their husbands fling them on Saturday night without stopping to +count them. + +* * * + +There were no buyers, it is stated, for fifty thousand blankets offered by +the Disposals Board last week. We have all along maintained that, though it +would take time, the Board would wear its adversaries down. + +* * * + +According to an official list recently published the Government employs +over three thousand charwomen. The number is said to be so great that they +have to take it in turns to empty Mr. AUSTEN CHAMBERLAIN'S portfolio. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Showman._ "DON'T GET HIM TOO TAME, PROFESSOR. HE'S GOT TO +GO FIVE ROUNDS WITH THE BOXING KANGAROO WHEN YOU'VE FINISHED."] + + * * * * * + +A CRICKET MANNERISM. + +A writer commented recently in an article in _Punch_ on the advantage to a +cricketer of some harmless mannerism, giving as an instance Mr. P.F. +WARNER'S habit of hitching up the left side of his trousers and patting the +ground seven times with his bat. This homely touch reminded me irresistibly +of Rankin. Not that Rankin resembles Mr. WARNER even remotely in any other +way. But Rankin has a mannerism, one which is fairly harmless, too, as a +general rule. If on one occasion, of which I will tell you, it had +unfortunate results, there was then a combination of circumstances for +which Rankin was not entirely responsible. That much I now feel myself able +to admit. At the time I could see nothing good about Rankin at all. + +Rankin resides in our village of Littleborough, and is by trade what is +known as a jobbing gardener. On Thursdays he is my gardener, on Wednesdays +Mrs. Dobbie's gardener, and so on. On Saturday afternoons he plays cricket. +Or at least he dresses in (among other garments) a pair of tight white +flannel trousers and a waistcoat, and joins the weekly game. + +Recently we met in deadly combat the neighbouring village of Smallwick. +Away into the unchronicled past runs the record of these annual contests. +Each village hints that it has gained the greater number of victories; each +is inclined in its heart to believe that the other one has actually done +so--because, as I suppose, the agony of defeat leaves a more lasting +impression than the joy of victory. But I digress. We have not even got to +Rankin's mannerism yet. + +Rankin's mannerism is the habit of plunging his hands into his trouser +pockets. A very ordinary one, you will say; but not when carried to the +extent to which Rankin carries it. It is useless for Rankin to field at +short slip, for instance. The only time he did so a catch struck him +sharply in the lower chest (and fell to the ground, of course) before he +had time to take his hands out of his pockets. When he is batting he crams +one hand into his pocket between each delivery. As he wears a large batting +glove and his trousers are very tight (as I mentioned before) this is a +matter of some difficulty. In fact we usually attribute the smallness of +his scores to its unsteadying effect. + +How he ever survived five years of military service without being shot for +persistently carrying his hands in his pockets while on parade, to the +detriment of good order and military discipline, I can never understand. +Surely some Brass-hat, inspecting Rankin's regiment, must have noticed that +Rankin's hands were in his pockets when he should have been presenting +arms? I can only presume that they all loved Rankin, and love is blind. +Well, he is quite a good chap. I like him myself. + +We now come to the day of the Smallwick _v._ Littleborough match. + +Smallwick lost the toss and went out to field, and, as one of their players +had not arrived, Rankin went with them as a substitute. + +We lost three wickets for only ten runs, and then I went in. It was one of +my rare cricket days. I felt, I knew, that I should make runs--not much +more than twenty, of course, but then twenty is a big score for +Littleborough. And I felt like twenty at least. + +Rankin was fielding at deep long-on, close to the tent; but they had no one +at square leg, which is my special direction on my twenty days. Presently +the bowler offered me a full pitch on the leg side. I timed it +successfully, and had no doubt of having added four to my score, when, to +my astonishment, I saw a fieldsman running from the direction of the hedge. +The next moment he had brought off a very creditable catch. + +It did not dawn on me at first that this was their eleventh man, arrived at +that moment. When it did, I could not help laughing to think that he should +imagine he could rush in like that while his substitute was still fielding. +Then I heard the bowler appeal to the umpire, and to my horror I heard the +umpire (their umpire) say "Out." + +"But they can't have twelve men fielding," I cried. "The substitute is +still there." + +"You're out, Sir," said the umpire haughtily. "The substitoot has already +retired. 'E's standing there watching the game with 'is 'ands in 'is +pockets." + + * * * * * + +A SELF-STARTER. + + "Born of an Iris moter and a Scots father, in Chicago, U.S.A., Mr. + ----'s ability for the stage developed very early."--_New Zealand + Paper._ + + * * * * * + + "Within the square of spectators were paraded about two thousand Girl + Guides. It delighted the eye to see the companies march with precision + and smartness, while the ear was charmed and the marital spirit stirred + by the music of the pipes and drums."--_Scotch Paper._ + +So _that_'s the idea. + + * * * * * + + "Soon we could make out the Sultan's Palace, from which the tired + 'Hunter of the East' was now unwinding his 'nose of light.'"-- _---- + Magazine._ + +For further details of this remarkable organ see LEAR'S "Dong with the +Luminous Nose." + + * * * * * + +PHILOSOPHERS. + +We are all different, and often our differences are of the widest. Some men +can be knocked prostrate by the most trifling disappointment, while others +can extract comfort or even positive benefit from what looks like complete +disaster--such as the Cambridge youth I met last week, raving about +TURNER'S "Fighting Téméraire." + +"But I didn't know you were interested in pictures," I said. + +"Oh, yes, I've always been, in a way," he replied; "but it wasn't till the +rain ruined the first day of the Varsity match that I ever had a real +chance to get to the National Gallery, and when it came down like blazes +again on Tuesday I went back there. Did you ever see such painting? And the +pathos of it too! And then that frosty morning scene in the same room! Why, +TURNER was too wonderful." + +How some of the other dampened enthusiasts tided over their loss I can only +guess; but this ardent one reminded me of the Shipwrecked Entomologist, and +I placed him on a niche somewhere near that radiant soul. + +And who was he? + +Well, he was the curator of his own department in some Indian museum--I +think at Calcutta--and when the time came for his holiday he took a passage +for Japan on a little tramp steamer. Everything went well until a few hours +out of Shanghai, when a typhoon began to blow with terrific force. The ship +was driven on the coast of Korea, where she set about breaking up, and only +with the greatest difficulty did the passengers and crew get to shore, +bruised and saturated, without anything but their clothes and what their +pockets could hold. Some lives were lost, but my man was saved. + +It was a desolate part, with nothing but the poorest huts for shelter, +dirty and verminous, so that the discomforts of the land were almost equal +to the perils of the sea. + +Naturally, on his return to Calcutta the curator was plied with questions. +How did be feel about it? Wasn't it an awful experience? If ever a man +deserved sympathy it was he. And so forth. But he wouldn't rise. + +"Sympathy?" he said. "Good Heavens! I don't want sympathy. Why, I had the +time of my life. Do you know that during the night in that Korean hovel I +found five absolutely new kinds of bug." + +E.V.L. + + * * * * * + + "Notice to the public, that John ----, Toronto, will not be responsible + for debts hereafter contracted by any one."--_Canadian Paper._ + +Very sensible of him. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: SUBJECT TO REVISION. + +BRITISH HOUSEWIFE. "DO YOU REALLY MEAN IT?" + +MINER. "WELL, PART OF IT, ANYWAY."] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Captain_ (_to very unsuccessful lob bowler_). "OI BE SORRY +TO 'AVE TO TAKE 'EE OFF, GARGE, BUT I MUST LET THE VICAR 'AVE A GO BEFORE +THE BALL GETS EGG-SHAPED."] + + * * * * * + +SANTAMINGOES. + +A FANCY. + + [The santamingo is a kind of Oriental bird believed by foolish sailor- + men to confer on its possessor great content and peace of mind.] + + East from the Mahanadi and north of the Nicobar + You will come to Evening Island where the santamingoes are; + Their wings are sunrise-orange and their tails are starlight-blue; + You catch a santamingo and all your dreams come true. + + They've a crest of flaming scarlet and a purple-golden breast, + And their voice is like all the music that ever you liked the best, + And their eyes are like all the comfort that ever you hoped to find; + You catch a santamingo and you'll get peace of mind. + + You won't find buried treasures, you won't get sudden luck, + But things'll just go smoothly that used to get somehow stuck-- + The little things that matter, the trumpery things that please, + You catch your santamingo and you're always sure of these. + + You don't get thrones and kingdoms, you don't turn great or good, + But you know you're just in tune with things, you know you're understood, + And wherever you chance to be is home and any old time's the best + When you've got your santamingo to keep your heart at rest. + + If ever you've dreamed of a golden day when nothing at at all went wrong, + Or a pal who'd want no tellings but would somehow just belong, + Or a place that said, "I was made for you"--well, sailor-men tell you + flat, + You catch your santamingo and you'll find it all like that. + + * * * * * + + I've sailed from the Mahanadi to north of the Nicobar, + But I can't find Evening Island where the santamingoes are, + Though I've taken salt to put on their tails and all that a hunter + should-- + Perhaps you can't _really_ catch them; but don't you wish you could? + + H.B. + + + * * * * * + + "Capitalist who will consider financing Canadian oil fields or will + send English theologist to investigate property."--_Daily Paper._ + +And do the clerical work, we suppose. + + * * * * * + +From a description of the V.C.'s at Buckingham Palace:-- + + "There were a sergeant-major arranged in nine separate groups, and an + attempt had been made to get old comrades together as far as possible." + --_Provincial Paper._ + +The reassembling of the sergeant-major must have taken a bit of doing. + + * * * * * + +MY RAT. + +He visits me at least once every day. His favourite time is the hour of +tea, when the family and staff may be expected to be at home; but sometimes +he honours us with an additional call at the luncheon hour. He emerges from +his deep hole beneath an ivy root, takes the air up and down the paths of +my rockery, glances in at the drawing-room window, passes on to the back +premises, and so home. + +There is nothing furtive about his movements. His manner is that of one who +has purchased the mansion and its appurtenances but does not wish to +disturb the sitting tenants. It is his duty to sea that the premises are +properly cared for, but for the present he has no desire to take +possession. It is beautiful weather and the simple life out-of-doors +contents him. + +He is a brown rat. I write of his sex with confidence because his urbanity +is that of a polished gentleman of the world; no feminine creature could +ever display it. A female rat who had bought the house would eagerly try to +get in and drive us forth. But not so my rat. He discharges the function of +a landlord as considerately as he can; after all, even a landlord must be +allowed the rights of inspection of his own property. + +At first I regarded him as merely an ordinary intrusive brown rat. I laid +down poisonous pills composed of barium carbonate and flour. He did not +take offence; he understood our human limitations. He showed by a jaunty +cock of the eye that all to understand is all to pardon. His daily visits +continued without abatement. + +It has been suggested to me that we should await his regular calls with +dogs, blood-thirsty terriers. I cannot take so scurvy an advantage of his +confidence. + + * * * * * + +I have sinned. The fault is less mine than that of the High Court of +Parliament. I was bidden to study the penalties laid down for those who do +not proceed to the destruction of their rats. When I weighed my landlord +rat against five treasury notes I confess that in an hour of meanness I +permitted the notes to tip the scale. I prepared phosphor paste and laid a +trail of this loathsome condiment upon the path trodden every afternoon by +my rat. + +He came as usual on the day after that on which I had basely planned his +murder--Heaven forgive me!--that I might escape a trifling fine, and he +deigned to partake of my hospitality. Twenty-four hours later, when duty +summoned him once more at the hour of tea, his eye was dim and he staggered +slightly in his gait. He was still able to go his rounds, but since that +tragic afternoon I have seen him no more. + +My family eyes me with suspicion. They look for the rat, which no longer +arrives at his accustomed hour. My cook has given notice. I alone bear the +burden of the fatal secret. + + * * * * * + +Saved! What care I for five paltry pounds now that our rat has recovered +from his indisposition and has hastened to re-visit his property? The +phosphor paste, like arsenic, has added brightness to his eye and brought a +beautiful lustre to his smooth brown coat. He has softened in his manner +and tends towards friendship. There is less of the grand air, less +assertion of the vast gap which yawns between the landlord and the tenant. +Presently, if I continue to prove worthy of his condescension, my rat will +eat phosphor paste out of my hand. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Jack_ (_to novice in difficulties with the tide_). "THE +NEXT TIME YOU SPORTSMEN TAKES AN OUTIN' TRY A NUMBER TWENTY-SEVEN BUS."] + + * * * * * + +From the obituary notice of an octogenarian:-- + + "He was a keen chronologist, and possessed a valuable collection of + shells."--_Provincial Paper._ + +Picked up, no doubt, on the sands of time. + + * * * * * + +THE LITTLE HORSE. + +[The following fragment is taken from the play, _David Lloyd George_, which +we understand may some day be produced at the Lyric Opera House, +Hammersmith, as a companion-piece to _Abraham Lincoln_.] + +The scene is laid in the House of Commons, where Sir FREDERICK BANBURY has +moved the rejection of the Poets and Verse (Nationalisation) Bill. + + _Sir FREDERICK BANBURY is speaking._ + But it stands to reason, + If you propose to pay them just the same + Whether they write a little or a lot, + They won't write _anything_. There will not be + Sufficient stimulus. It's human nature, + And human nature is unchangeable. + Do you imagine, Sir, that KEATS or SHELLEY + Would have produced such valuable work, + So large an output, if this precious Bill + Had been in operation at the time? + We should have had no SHAKSPEARE. And, besides, + It means the death of British poetry, + Because we can't continue to compete + With foreign countries. + _A Labour Member._ I am not a lawyer + Nor I am not a manufacturer, + But earned my bread these five-and-forty years, + Sweating and sweating. I know what sweat is.... + _An Hon. Member._ + You're not the only person who has sweated. + _Labour Member._ + At any rate I sweated more than you did. + _Mr. SPEAKER._ + I do not think these constant interruptions + Are really helping us. + _Labour Member._ So you may take it + That what I utter is an honest word, + A plain, blunt, honest and straightforward word, + Neither adorned with worthless flummery + And tricks of language--for I have no learning-- + Nor yet with false and empty rhetoric + Like lawyers' speeches. I am not a lawyer, + I thank my stars that I am not a lawyer, + And can without a spate of parleying + Briefly expound, as I am doing now, + The whole caboodle. As for this here Bill, + So far as it means Nationalising verse, + We shall support it. On the other hand, + So far as it means interferences + With the free liberty of working-men + To write their poetry when and how they like, + We will not _have_ the Bill. So now you know. + _Mr. ASQUITH._ + It was remarked, I think by ARISTOTLE, + That wisdom is not always to the wise; + To which opinion, if we may include + In that august and jealous category + The President of the Board of Ululation, + I am prepared most freely to subscribe. + When was there ever since the early Forties + A more grotesque and shameless mockery + Of the austere and holy principles + Which Liberalism like an altar-flame + Has guarded through the loose irreverent years + Than this inept, this disingenuous, + This frankly disingenuous attempt; + To smuggle past the barrier of this House + An article so plainly contraband + As this unlicens'd and contagious Bill-- + A Bill which, it is not too much to say, + Insults the conscience of the British Empire? + I will not longer, Sir, detain the House; + Indeed I cannot profitably add + To what I said in 1892. + Speaking at Manchester I used these words:-- + "If in the inconstant ferment of their minds + The KING'S advisers can indeed discover + No surer ground of principle than this; + If we have here their final contribution + To the most clamant and profound conundrum + Ever proposed for statesmanship to solve, + Then are we watching at the bankruptcy + Of all that wealth of intellect and power + Which has made England great. If that be true + We may put FINIS to our history. + But I for one will never lend my suffrage + To that conclusion." + [_An Ovation._ + _MR. DAVID LLOYD GEORGE._ Mr. SPEAKER, Sir, + I do not intervene in this discussion + Except to say how much I deprecate + The intemperate tone of many of the speakers-- + Especially the Honourable Member + For Allways Dithering--about this Bill, + This tiny Bill, this teeny-weeny Bill. + What _is_ it, after all? The merest trifle! + The merest trifle--no, not tipsy-cake-- + No trickery in it! Really one would think + The Government had nothing else to do + But sit and listen to offensive speeches. + How can the horse, the patient horse, go on + If people will keep dragging at the reins? + He has so terrible a load to bear, + And right in front there is a great big hill. + The horse is very tired, and it is raining. + Poor little horse! But yonder, at the top, + Look, look, there is a rainbow in the sky, + The promise of fair weather, and beyond + There is a splendidly-appointed stable, + With oats and barley, or whatever 'tis + That horses eat, while smiling all around + Stretch out the prairies of Prosperity, + Cornfields and gardens, all that sort of thing. + That's where the horse is going. But, you see, + The horse has got to climb the great big hill + Before he gets there. Oh, you must see that. + Then let us cease this petty bickering; + Let us have no more dragging at the reins. + What _is_ this Bill when all is said and done? + Surely this House, surely this mighty nation, + Which did so much for horses in the War, + Will not desert this little horse at last + Because of what calumniators say-- + Newspaper-owners--_I_ know who they are-- + About this Bill! No, no, of course it won't. + We will take heart and gallop up the hill, + We will climb up together to the rainbow; + We will go on to where the rainbow ends-- + I know where that is, for I am a Welshman. + It is a field, a lovely little field, + Where there are buttercups and daffodils, + And long rich grass and very shady trees. + Hold on a little, and the horse will get there, + Only, I ask you, let the horse have rein. + That is my message to the British nation: + "Hold on! Hold fast! But do not hold too tight!" + + [_An Ovation. A Division is taken. The Ayes have it._ + + A.P.H. + + * * * * * + +TRUE SPORTSMANLIKE BEHAVIOUR. + +[Illustration: "BUT I'M ALMOST SURE IT WAS NOT. LOVE-FIFTEEN." + +"NO, REALLY, I'M PRACTICALLY CERTAIN IT WAS IN. FIFTEEN-LOVE."] + +[Illustration: "THAT WAS A DOUBLE FAULT I SERVED, WASN'T IT? LOVE-FIFTEEN." + +"NO. YOUR SECOND ONE WAS IN ALL RIGHT, I THINK. FIFTEEN-LOVE."] + +[Illustration: "BUT I'M ALMOST SURE IT WAS NOT. LOVE-FIFTEEN." + +"NO, REALLY, I'M PRACTICALLY CERTAIN IT WAS IN. FIFTEEN-LOVE."] + +[Illustration: "IT LOOKED MILES OUT TO ME. LOVE-FIFTEEN." + +"WELL, YOU WERE WRONG, THAT'S ALL. FIFTEEN-LOVE."] + +[Illustration: "BUT, MY DEAR GOOD FELLOW, I KNOW I'M RIGHT. LOVE-FIFTEEN." + +"MY VERY GOOD IDIOT, YOU AREN'T. FIFTEEN-LOVE."] + +[Illustration: "YOU PIG-HEADED BEAST, I AM. LOVE-FIFTEEN." + +"YOU'RE A LIAR! YOU'RE NOT. FIFTEEN-LOVE."] + +[Illustration: "WELL, CALL IT A LET."] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: THE NEW RIVER "BELLE." + +_Society Gossip Note._ "I also saw the Honourable Pamela Puntah, attended +by a gorgeous creation in tangerine orange and cornflower blue, with hat +and handkerchief to match." + +[It was remarked that at Henley the men's river attire quite outshone the +ladies'.]] + + * * * * * + +WORD CHAINS. + +Sheila Davies and her brother had cycled over to play tennis. They sat, +with John and myself, on the steps and watched the rain falling. + +"As a matter of general interest," said Arthur Davies to me, "when a man +invites his friends and neighbours over to play tennis and it pours with +rain all the time, what is the correct thing for him to do?" + +"As a matter of general interest," I answered, "the good host will send the +ladies to play the piano, if any, and to talk scandal, whether there is any +or not. He will himself conduct the men of the party to the billiard-room +or the smoking-room and offer them cigarettes and whisky--if any." + +"Ah," said Davies, "then it isn't usual just to keep them sitting miserably +on the steps watching the net float away?" + +John, on whose steps we were sitting, felt the need of speech. + +"I have often wondered," he said, turning to Miss Davies, "how your brother +ever got into such a nice family as yours. How do you keep so cheerful with +it always about?" + +"One gets used to it in time," said Miss Davies. + +"I suppose so," said John. "After all, we have the same sort of family +disaster in Alan, but we manage to bear up." + +Davies rose. + +"You and I don't seem popular here," he said to me. "Will you conduct me to +the billiard-room or the smoking-room? I am in need of a wash." + +"As a matter of general interest," said John to Miss Davies, "is it the +correct thing to wash _before_ setting out to visit friends, or can it be +left until some hours after arrival?" + +Miss Davies sighed heavily. + +"If you two are going to sit here thinking of clever remarks to make about +each other I shall go home. For goodness' sake let's pretend we are +enjoying ourselves." + +"I _am_ enjoying myself," said John plaintively; "I've been wanting to say +what I really think of your brother for years." + +"Well, don't do it now. Things are miserable enough without having +discussions on Arthur. Let's all have a game at something, shall we?" + +"Splendid idea," said her brother. "What about tennis?" + +"We might get into bathing togs and play polo," I suggested. + +"That's not a bad notion," said John, "and then he needn't have a wash +until to-morrow." + +"I suggest," continued Miss Davies, "that we play at Word Chains." + +Davies buried his face in his hands and groaned. + +"It sounds fine," I said gallantly. "What is it?" + +"Well, it's really a sort of mind exercise. They recommend it in those +courses, you know," said Miss Davies, "er--'it stimulates a logical +sequence in reasoning and quickens the mental processes.'" + +"Is that what they say about it?" asked John fearfully. + +"But it makes a splendid game," added Miss Davies eagerly. "Let me explain +it to you and you'll see. First of all we think of a word, such as--er-- +'margarine.'" + +"Why?" asked John. + +"It's part of the game, of course," said Miss Davies indignantly. + +"Oh, I see--of course. How stupid of me!" said John. + +"Then we think of another word quite different, such as--" + +"'Hippopotamus,'" I suggested. + +"That's right," said Miss Davies. + +I stood up and bowed. + +"Well, I'm hanged!" said John. "Jolly good, Alan. However did you guess it? +Has he won?" he asked Miss Davies. + +"Of course not," said she; "we haven't begun yet." + +I sat down again hurriedly. + +"Then," continued Miss Davies, "we take turns, starting with the word +'margarine' and making a chain, each word being connected in some way with +the one before it. And whoever can get to the word 'hippopotamus' first has +won." + +"One hippopotamus?" asked John. + +"WON," said Miss Davies sweetly. + +Her brother groaned again. + +"I'll just give you an easy example," went on Miss Davies enthusiastically, +"and then we'll begin. Take the words 'fire' and 'nigger.' A good chain +would be 'fire--coal--black--nigger.' Do you see? + +John and I made sounds expressing that we thought we did. Davies just went +on groaning. + +"Very well," said Miss Davies, "we'll begin. Now don't forget. We start +with 'margarine' and try to get to 'hippopotamus.' The great thing is to +keep the word 'hippopotamus' in your mind all the time and keep trying to +work towards it. Are you ready? Right! I'll start with 'grease.'" + +"Greece?" said John, looking startled. + +"Yes, margarine--grease," explained Miss Davies. + +"Oh, I see," said John, "er--oil." + +I thought seriously for a moment. + +"Salad," I said, looking round for approval. + +"Splendid," said Miss Davies. "Now you, Arthur." + +"I refuse--Oh, all right," he said. "Where have we--'salad'--er-- +'lobster.'" + +Do you catch the idea, as it were? We seemed to fall into the way of it in +a moment. Once we had tried we progressed at a tremendous rate. Perhaps we +are all very clever, or perhaps it was really easier than it seems in the +telling, but looking back the conversation seems to have been simply +brilliant. + +Well, here's an idea of how we went on, anyway, and you can judge for +yourselves (Davies, you remember, has just snapped out "Lobster"):-- + +_Miss Davies_ (quick as lightning). Shrimp. + +_John_. Whiskers. (A very subtle one, this.) + +_Me_. Beard. (Rather weak effort.) + +_Davies._ Moustache. (Weaker still; received with groans.) + +_Miss Davies_ (quick as another lightning). CHARLIE CHAPLIN. (Loud cheers +here and laughter, followed by a long pause while John thinks.) At last:-- + +_John._ MARY PICKFORD. + +_Me_ (after another pause). DOUGLAS FAIRBANKS. + +_Davies_ (indicating with a wave of the hand that it has been forced on +him). D.W. GRIFFITHS. + +There is a slight hold-up at this point while Miss Davies tells her brother +that he is not trying, and he says he knows he isn't. Miss Davies gets back +on to the track amidst applause, however, with:-- + +"Broken Blossoms." + +After this things went on for a long time, hours and hours I should say. I +remember that we mentioned among many subjects of interest sausage-rolls, +horoscopes, hair-pins, Cleopatra's Needle and lung-wort. I must resist the +temptation to tell the whole absorbing story in detail, and skip rapidly to +the point where the chase reached the following interesting stage:-- + +_Miss Davies_ (still going strong). Whale. + +_John_ (struggling hard but growing weak). Oil. + +_Me_ (quite innocently). Grease. + +_Davies_ (triumphantly). MARGARINE. + +I looked at Miss Davies in embarrassment. John gazed round pitifully. + +"But," he murmured weakly, "isn't that where we started?" + +"Of course it is," said Miss Davies indignantly. "You've spoilt the whole +game, Arthur." + +"Well, I can't help it," said her brother; "I thought that was the word we +were after. What was it, anyway?" + +We all looked at the sky and thought hard. + +"Hanged if I know," said John. + +"I'm sure I don't," I said. + +"Well, isn't that ridiculous?" said Miss Davies. + +"Of course it is," said her brother brutally; "I _knew_ it was ridiculous +from the beginning. _You_ said it quickened the mental processes. Would +memory be one of them?" + +"Let's go inside and have some tea," said John. + +We crept quietly indoors. + + * * * * * + +Halfway through tea Miss Davies suddenly waved her teaspoon aloft. We +looked at her and saw a great light shining in her eyes. + +"Hip--hip--hippopotamus!" she shrieked. + +We all agreed that Miss Davies had won. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: "PLAY US A CHUNE, MISTER."] + + * * * * * + + MAGNANIMITY. + + There was once a satirical pup + Who with newspaper rule was fed up, + So he wrote bitter rhymes + Which disparaged _The Times_ + But were praised in its weekly _Lit. Supp._ + + * * * * * + + "The Canadian officials refused to allow her to land because she did + not proopse to carry out her original intention tom arry Captain ----, + and the New Yorkaut horities declined to interfere with the Canadian + decision."--_Daily Paper._ + +But what we really want to know is where Tom and 'Arry come in. + + * * * * * + + "NEW YORK, Sunday. + + The s.s. Minnehaha left here yesterday for London with fifty crates of + American birds and a great variety of animals. + + Three trunks were carried for the oppossum to build in and for the + beavers to gnaw."--_Daily Mirror._ + +Nothing is said about the other creatures' luggage. + + * * * * * + +From the time-table of a Hampshire motor-service:-- + + "The Fares between any points on any route will be found where the + vertical line of figures under the name of one of the points meets the + horizontal line of figures which terminates in the name of the other of + the two points between which it is desired to travel." + +The Hampshire Hog needs to be a very learned pig. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Mother._ "WELL, DARLINGS, WHAT ARE YOU PLAYING?" + +_Margaret._ "WE'RE PLAYING AT WEDDINGS. I'M THE BRIDE AND BETTY'S THE +BRIDESMAID." + +_Mother._ "BUT WHERE'S THE BRIDEGROOM?" + +_Margaret._ "OH, THIS IS A VERY QUIET WEDDING."] + + * * * * * + +THE REEFS. + + All the grim rocks that stand guard about Scilly-- + Wingletang, Great Smith and Little Granilly, + The Barrel of Butter, Dropnose and Hellweather-- + Started to boast of their conquests together, + Of drowned men and gallant, tall vessels laid low + While gulls wheeled about them like flurries of snow + And green combers romped at them smashing in thunder, + Gurgling and booming in caverns down under, + Sending their diamond-drops flying in showers. + "Oh," said the reefs, "what a business is ours! + Since saints in coracles paddled from Erin + (Fishing our waters for sinners and herrin') + And purple-sailed triremes of Hamilco came + To the Islands of Tin, we've played at the game. + We shattered the galleys of conquering Rome, + The galleons of PHILIP that scudded for home + (The sea-molluscs slime on their glittering gear); + We plundered the plundering French privateer, + We caught the great Indiaman head in the wind + And gutted her hold of the treasures of Ind; + We sank a whole fleet of three-deckers one night + (The drift of the sand keeps their culverins bright), + And cloudy tea-clippers that raced from Canton + Swept into our clutches--and never went on. + Come steel leviathans scorning disaster + We scrapped them as fast--if anything faster. + So pick up your pilot and take a cross-bearing, + Sound us and chart us from Lion to Tearing, + And ring us with lighthouses, day-marks and buoys, + The gales are our hunters, the fogs our decoys. + We shall not go hungry; we grin and we wait, + Black-fanged and foam-drabbled, the wolves at the Gate." + + PATLANDER. + + * * * * * + +AWAY TO THE MEADOWS! + +Although the cost of everything is on the rise there are still a few good +things that quite a little money can buy. One pound, for example--or, if +you prefer it, twenty shillings--can work wonders by taking (under the +auspices of the Children's Country Holiday Fund) a London child away from +our smoke and grime for a fortnight of country air and surprises, +excitements and joys. The Fund (the Hon. Treasurer of which is the Earl of +ARRAN, 18, Buckingham Street, Strand, London) must not now be restricted +because lodgings and railway fares are dearer. Last year the sum asked for +each child was just half what is now required; but the increase is +necessary. Yet even with the increase it is not great, considering the good +that it can do! In spite of all the other claims of the moment upon his +readers' generosity, Mr. Punch trusts that this modest and most excellent +ameliorative organisation will not be neglected. + + * * * * * + + "The police are divided in their opinions as to whether Mamie is still + alive or whether she has gone to Canada."--_Provincial Paper._ + +Why this "down" on the Dominion? + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: OUR PARISH CHURCH. + +JOHN BULL. "LET ME SEE, WE MUST BE ESPECIALLY GENEROUS TO-DAY. THE +COLLECTION IS FOR THE RESTORATION FUND."] + + * * * * * + +ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT. + +_Monday, July 5th._--When the Germans left Peking after the Boxer Rebellion +they took with them the astronomical instruments which had hung for +centuries on its walls. How the Celestial equivalent of _Old Moore_ has +managed to translate the message of the stars without their assistance I +cannot imagine; but the Chinese Government does not appear to be worrying, +for, though it was specifically provided at Versailles that the instruments +should be returned, China has omitted to sign the Peace Treaty. + +[Illustration: "A GENEROUS TEAPOT." + +COLONEL WEDGWOOD.] + +There are the makings of a great statesman in Sir JOHN REES. Some +apprehension having been expressed lest France should prohibit the +importation of silk mourning crępe and so injure an old British industry, +he was quick to suggest a remedy. "Would it not be possible," he asked in +his most insinuating tones, "to have a deal between silk and champagne?" +And the House, which is not yet entirely composed of "Pussyfeet," gave him +an approving cheer. + +A certain General GOLOVIN having published statements reflecting on Mr. +CHURCHILL'S conduct of the campaign in North Russia last year, that section +of the House which is always ready to take the word of any foreigner as +against that of any Englishman, particularly of any English Minister, at +once assumed that the charges were correct. The SECRETARY OF STATE FOR WAR +was in his place, with the light of battle in his eye, ready to meet his +enemies in the gate. But by the time Mr. BONAR LAW had done with them there +was not much left of the charges. So far as the statements were true, he +said, they merely repeated what was already familiar to the House. +Everybody knew that the Government was helping the anti-Bolshevik forces +last year. But the story that Mr. CHURCHILL had taken his orders from +Admiral KOLTCHAK was both untrue and absurd. He had simply carried out the +policy of the Government, a policy which, though some hon. Members did not +seem to appreciate it, had now been altered. + +Committee on the Finance Bill saw the annual assault on the tea duty. "We +are going to drop this duty directly we are in a position to do so," said +Commander KENWORTHY, with his eye on the Treasury Bench. "Who are we?" +shouted the Coalitionists; and it presently appeared that "we" did not +include Sir DONALD MACLEAN, but did include Colonel WEDGWOOD, who, as +becomes one of his name, was all for a generous tea-pot. + +[Illustration: LIEUT.-COMMANDER KENWORTHY GIVES AN INFERIOR IMITATION OF +MR. CHARLES CHAPLIN.] + +Undeterred by his failure over tea, Commander KENWORTHY next attacked the +duty on films, complaining _inter alia_, "Mr. CHAPLIN is taxed twenty +pounds for every thousand feet." Mr. CHAMBERLAIN defended the tax on +general grounds, but wisely avoided Mr. CHAPLIN'S feet, over which it is +notoriously easy to trip. + +The debate on the beer duty shattered one more illusion. It is an article +of faith with the "Wee Frees" that Sir GEORGE YOUNGER is the power behind +the scenes, and that Mr. LLOYD GEORGE is a mere marionette, who only exists +to do his bidding. Yet here was the autocrat confessing, _quâ_ brewer, that +the latest addition to the beer duty was the biggest surprise of his life. + +_Tuesday, July 6th._--The LORD CHANCELLOR'S request for leave of absence in +order that he might attend the Spa Conference was granted. Lord CREWE'S +remark, that it was "a matter of regret that the Government had to depend +upon the noble and learned lord for legal assistance," might perhaps have +been less ambiguously worded. At any rate Lord BIRKENHEAD thought it +necessary to allay any possible apprehensions by adding that he would be +accompanied by the ATTORNEY-GENERAL. + +The gist of Mr. CHURCHILL'S comprehensive reply to allegations of waste at +Chilwell was that there were not enough sheds to cover all the stores, and +that to build additional accommodation would cost more than it would save. +There was a pleasant Hibernian flavour about his admission that the goods, +"if they remained in their present condition, would, of course, +deteriorate." + +Who says that D.O.R.A. has outlived her usefulness? The HOME SECRETARY +announced that the sale of chocolates in theatres is still _verboten_, so +the frugal swain, whose "best girl" has a healthy appetite, may breathe +again. + +[Illustration: DAVID COPPERFIELD UP TO DATE. + +_Mr. Clynes._ "LOOK HERE--IF THE PRICE OF ALE KEEPS ON GOING UP LIKE THIS +I'LL HAVE TO SPEAK TO AUSTEN CHAMBERLAIN ABOUT IT."] + +Mr. CLYNES, usually so cautious, was in a reckless mood. First he tried to +move the adjournment over the GOLOVIN revelations, and was informed by the +SPEAKER that a report of doubtful authenticity, relating to events that +happened over a year ago, could hardly be described as either "urgent" or +"definite." + +Next, on the Finance Bill, he shocked his temperance colleagues by boldly +demanding cheaper beer. But, although he received the powerful support of +Admiral Sir R. HALL, he failed to soften the heart of the CHANCELLOR, who +declared that he must have his increased revenue, and that the beer-drinker +must pay his share of it. + +Mr. CHAMBERLAIN turned a more sympathetic ear to the bark of another +sea-dog, Admiral ADAIR, who sought a reduction of the tax on champagne, and +mentioned the horrifying fact that even City Companies were abandoning its +consumption. He received the unexpected support of Lieutenant-Commander +KENWORTHY, who declared that Yorkshire miners always had a bottle after +their day's work and denounced an impost that would rob a poor man of his +"boy." Eventually the CHANCELLOR agreed to reduce the new _ad valorem_ duty +by a third. He might have made the same reduction in the case of cigars but +for the declaration of a Labour Member that this was becoming "a rich man's +Budget from top to bottom." + +_Wednesday, July 7th._--Never was Lord Haldane's power of clear thinking +employed to better advantage than in his lucid exposition of the Duplicands +and Feu-duties (Scotland) Bill. I would not like to assert positively that +all the Peers present fully grasped the momentous fact that a duplicand was +a "casualty" and might be sometimes twice the feu-duty and sometimes three +times that amount; but they understood enough to agree that it was a very +fearful wild-fowl and ought to be restrained by law. + +After this piquant _hors-d'oeuvre_ they settled down to a solid joint of +national finance, laid before them by Lord MIDLETON. I am afraid they would +have found it rather indigestible but for the sauce provided by Lord +INCHCAPE, who was positively skittish in his comments upon the extravagance +of the Government, and on one occasion even indulged in a pun. In his view +the Ministry of Transport was an entirely superfluous creation, solely +arising out of the supposed necessity of finding a new job for Sir ERIC +GEDDES. I suppose the PRIME MINISTER said, "Here's a square peg, look you; +let us dig a hole round it." + +The LORD CHANCELLOR'S reply was vigorous but not altogether convincing. His +description of the Government as a body of harassed and anxious economists +did not altogether tally with his subsequent picture of the CHANCELLOR OF +THE EXCHEQUER "always resisting proposals for expenditure made by his +colleagues in the Cabinet." Despite his eloquence the Peers passed Lord +MIDLETON'S motion by 95 votes to 23. + +The Commons made good progress with the Finance Bill, though there was a +good deal of justifiable criticism of its phraseology. The SECRETARY OF THE +TREASURY admitted that there was one clause of which he did not understand +a word, but wisely refused to specify it. Colonel WEDGWOOD advanced the +remarkable proposition that "the workers in the long run pay all the +taxes," but did not jump at Captain ELLIOTT'S suggestion that in that case +it would save trouble if the CHANCELLOR were to levy all the taxes on the +working classes direct. When asked to extend further relief to charities +Mr. CHAMBERLAIN sought a definition of "charity." Would it apply, for +example, to "the association of a small number of gentlemen in distress +obeying the law of self-preservation in the face of world-forces which +threaten to sweep them out of existence"? I seem to hear _Mr. Wilkins +Micawber_ reply, "The answer is in the affirmative." + +_Thursday, July 8th._--In the absence of the LORD CHANCELLOR the Gas +Regulation Bill was entrusted to the UNDER-SECRETARY FOR AIR. The mingling +of gas and air has before now been known to produce an explosion, but on +this occasion Lord LONDONDERRY so deftly handled his material that not a +single Peer objected to the Second Reading. + +The proceedings in the Lower House were much more lively. Mr. STANTON +threatened that there would be a general strike of Members of Parliament +unless their salaries were increased; but Mr. BONAR LAW seemed to be more +amused than alarmed at the prospect. The CHANCELLOR OF THE EXCHEQUER was +asked point-blank whether he was satisfied with the reduction in the +bureaucracy during the last six months, and replied that he was not, and +had therefore appointed Committees to investigate the staffs in seven of +the Departments. The number is unfortunately suggestive. + + "If seven maids with seven mops + Swept it for half a year, + Do you suppose," the Walrus said, + "That they could get it clear?" + +[Illustration: MR. MONTAGU S'EXCUSE.] + +And we know what the Carpenter replied. + +If an unnecessary amount of heat was engendered by the debate on General +DYER'S case the fault must be partly attributed to the INDIAN SECRETARY'S +opening speech. "Come, Montagu, for thou art early up" is a line from one +of the most poignant scenes in SHAKSPEARE; but early rising, at Westminster +as elsewhere, is not always conducive to good temper. + +Members who thought with Sir EDWARD CARSON that General DYER had not been +fairly treated resented Mr. MONTAGU'S insinuation that in that case they +were condoning "frightfulness." Mr. CHURCHILL was more judicious, and Mr. +BONAR LAW did his level best to keep his followers in the Government Lobby. +But Sir A. HUNTER-WESTON'S reminder that by the instructions issued by the +civil authority to General DYER he was ordered "to use all force necessary. +No gathering of persons nor procession of any sort will be allowed. All +gatherings will be fired on," confirmed them in the view that the GENERAL +was being made a scape-goat. No fewer than 129 voted against the +Government, whose majority would have been very minute but for the +assistance of its usual foes, the "Wee Frees" and Labourites. + + * * * * * + + "Keble's own future should be all the more secure in a University in + which there is not only complete religious intolerance but complete + religious equality."--_Local Paper._ + +Poor old Oxford! Still "the home of lost causes" apparently. + + * * * * * + + "Few stories of London origin are more familiar than that of the cabby + who, regarding his day off as one of his indisputable rights, spent it + each week in riding about the City with a fellow cabby in order to keep + him company."--_Sunday Paper._ + +That's why they called him a busman and his holiday a busman's holiday. + + * * * * * + + "Do you remember the sad fate of a certain distinguished hostess who + found herself at midnight left with only a few hogs and elderly men to + entertain her pretty girl guests, and the sudden epidemic of rents that + necessitated a rush to the cloakroom for mending."--_Evening Paper._ + +The ripping property of tusks is well known. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: THE WOMAN-HATER.] + + * * * * * + +FAR-EASTERN ENGLISH. + +A returning circumnavigator reports that the passengers on the boat--a +Japanese liner--coming from Yokohama to Honolulu were apprised of the fact +that they were to have two Thursdays, one immediately following the other +(and you can have no notion how long a second Thursday can be), owing to +the crossing of the imaginary but very boring line which divides the two +hemispheres. The official notice came from the captain's own hand. The ship +had an American purser and an American chief steward, and there were many +English on board, but the gallant little commander preferred to tackle the +linguistic problem unaided. On Wednesday, therefore, the board had this +announcement pinned to it:--"As she will be crossed the meridian of 180 +to-morrow, so to-morrow again." Could, after the first blow, anything be +clearer? + +Meanwhile from Siam come the glad tidings that the British residents in +Bangkok are to have a new paper. That the editorial promises are rich the +following extracts sufficiently prove:-- + +"The news of English we tell the latest, writ in perfect style and +earliest. Do a murder get commit, we hear and tell of it. Do a mighty chief +die, we publish it in borders of sombre. Staff has each one been college +and writes like the Kipling and the Dickens. We circulate every town and +extortionate not for advertisements. Buy it." + + * * * * * + +RATHER A TALL ORDER. + + "FOR SALE. + + Grey flannel suit made by English tailor in January last, unworn Rs. + 50; chest 39, height 8ft. 5 inches."--_Indian Paper._ + + * * * * * + + "Small (Elephant) Pram, as new, extending back, 6 gns."--_Local Paper._ + +Thanks; but we always take our elephant in the side-car. + + * * * * * + + "Samuel Johnson, who had pleaded guilty yesterday to stealing a wallet, + was sentenced to three months' hard labour."--_Evening Paper._ + +When he comes out (if there is any truth in BOSWELL) he will make a pun. + + * * * * * + + VERS LIBRE. + + There was an old man of Dunoon + Who always ate soup with a fork; + For he said, "As I eat + Neither fish, fowl or flesh + I should finish my dinner too quick." + + * * * * * + + "It is as well to note that during dry weather it is always advisable + to pass the watering-can along the rows of plants in order to moisten + the soil."--_Daily Paper._ + +This means, we think, "Water the garden." + + * * * * * + + "The City views with the gravest concern the existence of places like + Didcot."--_Daily Paper._ + +There is reason to believe that Didcot entertains precisely similar +feelings in regard to the City. + + * * * * * + +COMMERCIAL CANDOUR. + + "For Lightweight Motor Cycles there is no alternative to the ---- + MAGNETO. Maximum Weight. Minimum Performance."--_Trade Paper._ + + "Reason and instinct dictate the smoking of a cigarette that will give + the minimum of pleasure at a moderate cost."--_Advt. in Evening Paper._ + + * * * * * + +OUR PASTORAL. + +"Hulloa, Melhuish," I said, "after all you had ideal weather for your +_Midsummer Night's Dream_ yesterday." + +"Ideal," said Melhuish moodily. + +"Really, if you'd picked the day it couldn't have been better. You want +peculiar atmospheric conditions for a pastoral, don't you? Just enough sun, +not too much wind, temperature congenial for sitting out-of-doors. You had +'em all." + +Melhuish nodded. + +"Your garden must be looking like fairyland too now with the roses out and +the trees in all their full summer greenery." + +He nodded again. + +"What a setting for the _Dream_! It drew a crowd, of course?" + +"Yes, we drew the county." + +I sighed regretfully. "How I wish I hadn't funked it, but with my lumbago I +never dare risk damp grass and it looked so awfully like rain in the +morning." + +Melhuish suddenly got excited. "_Looked_ like rain!" he said violently. "It +_did_ rain. It rained several drops. I never saw such drops, as big as +saucers. Perhaps you didn't hear the thunder?" + +"My dear bean," I said, "it was the thunder which put me off coming to see +you as _Bottom_ and Mrs. Melhuish as _Titania_ in the most idyllic +surroundings I can imagine." + +"You wouldn't have seen us in any idyllic surroundings," said Melhuish. He +had relapsed into moodiness again. I could see there was something serious. + +"What happened, old friend?" I said gently. + +"We began rehearsing during that glorious spell of sunshine in the spring, +when the garden was a carpet of daffodils and it was a sheer joy to play +about out-of-doors. Then the weather broke for a time and we migrated to +the Parish Hall. You know our Parish Hall?" + +"Quite well. A little tin place on the left from the rectory." + +"That's it. It's got a platform on trestles at one end and a paraffin lamp +in the middle. The Vicar placed it at our disposal when there wasn't a +Women's Institute or a choir practice, and on chilly nights he had the +'Beatrice stove' lit for us. Then the Summer began in real earnest. We got +in extra gardeners, worked like niggers ourselves, and when the turf was in +perfect condition and the thyme was coming up on _Titania's_ bank we fixed +the date and billed the county. + +"After that we all got nervous and went about consulting weather forecasts. +_Old Moore_ prophesied heavy rains. The _Daily Mail_ said a cyclone from +New York was on the way. The weather-glasses jumped about and seemed to +know their own minds even less than usual. Three days before the date +thunderstorms were reported all over the country and a fowl was struck by +lightning. But not a drop of rain came to our village. + +"At the dress-rehearsal the night before the performance we debated the +weather prospects until the moon rose. _Lysander_ said his bit of seaweed +which he brought from Bognor was as dry as parched peas and he would back +it against any fool barometer. Cocklewhite, our prompter, said he didn't +want to depress the company, but he had a leech in a bottle of water which +rose for fine weather and sank for wet, and he was bound to tell us it was +like lead at the bottom at the present moment. _Hermia_ pointed to the +heavens, 'Red sky at night shepherds' delight,' she quoted. There was no +getting away from the swallows; they were nose-diving to a bird. 'Hang +swallows,' _Oberon_ said; 'put your trust in mosquitoes. Look at my +eyelid.' + +"'It's no good talking,' _Theseus_ said; 'nobody can tell until the +morning, and then it'll be up to _Bottom_ to decide by 11.30 whether it's +to be indoors or out. He's our stage-manager and we know his arrangements +in case of rain. They're the only arrangements possible in our little +village, and it's going to be a nightmare instead of a dream if they have +to be carried out. But we can depend upon _Bottom_ to make a wise decision. +He'll notify us and the boy-scouts will notify the audience. All we've got +to do is not to grouse.' + +"Cocklewhite said he would phone me the position of his leech at 9 A.M., +and _Lysander_ promised to report any change in the condition of the +seaweed. I set our glass and _Titania_ and I got up at half-hour intervals +during the night and tapped it. It refused to budge either way. + +"At dawn _Titania_ looked out of the window and gave a wild cry. 'Red sky +in the morning shepherds' warning,' she wailed. At breakfast Cocklewhite +phoned that his leech was dead, and he had strong suspicions it had died +from atmospheric pressure. Almost at the same moment _Lysander_ sent word +that his seaweed had gone clammy during the night. Half-an-hour later came +a clap of thunder and the drops of rain I mentioned. I needn't go on. You +can guess the rest." + +Melhuish paused. + +"But the performance came off, didn't it?" I said. + +"Yes, in the Parish Hall. It was a perfect day for a pastoral." + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Profiteer._ "I WANT YOU TO PAINT ME WITH A BOOK IN MY 'AND +AND MY VALET STANDIN' UNOBTRUSIVELY IN THE BACKGROUND IN CASE I MIGHT WISH +TO CALL 'IM."] + + * * * * * + +A CLEAN HITTER. + + "J. ---- carried his bath through the innings."--_Scotch Paper._ + + * * * * * + + "Fishing near the bridge on Monday a schoolboy caught a chub with + artificial fly weighing 2lbs. 15ozs."--_Local Paper._ + +It is supposed that the unfortunate fish was struck on the head and +stunned. + + * * * * * + + "After long delays a new Polish Cabinet has been formed under Mr. + Grabski. He would annex much Russian territory outright."--_Weekly + Paper._ + +_Pace_ SHAKSPEARE, there would seem to be something in a name. + + * * * * * + +"THAT QUEER FISH THE SALMON. + + Some fish are 'takers,' some are not, but most salmon can be worried + into talking."--_Daily Paper._ + +Whereas most fishermen chatter of their own accord. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Fair Skipper._ "WIND GETTIN' UP NICELY--WHAT?"] + + * * * * * + +HARDING AND COX. + +(_Being an inquiry into the two Candidates for the Presidency of the United +States of America._) + + I wish I knew some facts regarding + The private life of Mr. HARDING; + I wish that I had simply stocks + Of anecdotes of Mr. COX. + + In U.S.A. (where both are resident + And each one hoping to be President) + Their favourite hymns, their size in boots, + Their views on liquor and cheroots + + Are known to all; not JULIUS CĆSAR + Is quite so much renowned as these are. + In England, where they do not dwell, + No one appears to know them well. + + One cannot say if COX'S liver + Keeps well upon the Swanee River, + Nor whether HARDING finds, when glum, + Any relief in chewing gum. + + It may be that they both have good rows + Of dental ornaments like WOODROW'S, + The waist of TAFT, the ROOSEVELT eye + For pinking hippopotami. + + It may be HARDING had some flickers + Of CLEVELAND'S spirit whilst in knickers, + And COX while yet a puling babe + Dreamed tiny dreams of LINCOLN (ABE); + + And both, although they knew they'd catch it, + Cut fruit-trees with a little hatchet; + Both may have been, when glorious youths, + Too proud to fight or tell untruths. + + I cannot say. I know they wrangle + On points I dare not disentangle, + That one of them's a Democrat + And t' other's not. And that is that. + + EVOE. + + * * * * * + +GEE! + +On the upper floors of a shop in the Strand, between Wellington Street and +the Savoy, is a well-known maker of fowling-pieces, who gave me a terrible +start the other day; and probably not me alone, but many passers-by who +chanced to look upwards at his windows. For he is at the moment advertising +the most undesirable article in the world, a commodity for which I can +conceive of no demand whatever. Yet there--the result of the caprice of +adhesive cement or the desire of one letter of the alphabet to get level +with its neighbour and be dropped too--the amazing notice is, in +conspicuous white enamel:-- + +SECOND HAND +UNS. + + * * * * * + +THE DOMESTIC PROBLEM SOLVED. + + "A Lady wishes to meet with a gentleman or lady to share her home as + sole paying guest; one with a hobby for gardening preferred; every home + comfort; terms, Ł300 per annum."--_Sunday Paper._ + +We are desirous of entertaining, on the same terms, a lady (or gentleman) +with a _penchant_ for cooking and washing-up. + + * * * * * + + "The Hindus and Mahomedans are the two eyes of India, but have long + been engaged in a tug-of-war. On account of this cleavage both have + suffered, but now the wall of separation is broken down, and they are + coming together like sugar and milk, the bitter feelings between them + having been pulled out like a thorn. They are advised to give up biting + each other for the future."--_Indian Paper._ + +Or our contemporary will have exhausted its stock of metaphors. + + * * * * * + +A STORY ABOUT A CLOCK. + +Our move-in took place in no furtive or clandestine fashion; our +installation of ourselves in our semi-detached was performed well under the +eye of the neighbouring public. Our furniture waited on the public +thoroughfare until our new home was ready to receive it. Small children +played games on our sofa; enthusiastic acquaintances played tunes on our +piano. In a word, our move-in was a local festival; everyone took part. +This is the sad tale of the man who took the most expensive part--the +clock. + +If the hard choice had been put to Diana, my wife, to say which she could +least sorrowfully part with, me or the clock, the clock would have stayed. +If I had been put to the same dismal alternative as to Diana or the clock, +Diana would have gone. In fact, directly the clock was safely in Diana had +gone out. That was all she cared about; small children might play on the +sofa, enthusiastic acquaintances might play on the piano, and I might toil +unremittingly with everything else, for all Diana cared. So, the clock +being in, out she went upon her lawful or unlawful purposes. As she +departed she said something about my seeing to the clock. I remembered that +later on, but I remembered it wrong. This is how I did it. + +The man sat a little on my own special chair (at that time on the pavement) +before he came in. I asked him what he was sitting there for. He got up and +came inside. Then I asked him what he had come in for, and he said, "The +clock." I looked at the clock and it had stopped. I gave it a shake, and it +still stopped. He said it was no good shaking it; that only annoyed it. He +said he had come to look after it. He then took off his hat and his coat, +moved the fingers about, put his ears to it to hear its heart beating, and +asked me what I had been doing to it. I said I hadn't been doing anything +to it; he watched me doing things to everything else, and adopted an +expression as if to say he didn't believe me. He gave me the feeling that I +was a very interfering person, and that he didn't want to have anything +more to do with me. He said he should have to take the clock away. I asked +him when he would bring it back. He said he didn't know. He appeared to +take a pessimistic view of it. I asked him cheerfully if he would _ever_ +bring it back. He gave me a contemptuous look and, without another word, +went, taking the clock with him. + +When Diana came back she asked where the clock was. I said it had gone. +"Gone where?" asked Diana. I said I didn't know; the man had taken it. +"What man?" asked Diana. I was trying to move the sofa at the moment and I +was inclined to be short-spoken. I said that the man who had taken it was, +no doubt, the man whom Diana had gone forth to find and bid take away our +clock. Diana said that, if the man had said that she had said that he might +take our clock away, the man was a liar. _Had_ the man said that she had +said he might take the clock away? The answer was in the negative. + +Then the truth emerged. The man had stolen our clock. I had assisted the +man to steal our clock, helping him to lift it off its perch and handing +him his bowler hat as he left. + +It all sounds incredible, doesn't it? But you will admit, I am sure, that +it is a thing which could quite easily happen to anyone. Isn't it? + +To be quite frank, I have improved the story a bit. The clock wasn't really +stolen. + +Was the man really taking it away to repair it? No; to tell you the truth +he didn't actually take it away at all. In fact, I might as well own that +no man ever came into the house while I was shifting the furniture in from +the street. And, if you want to know, I never had a clock ... nor a wife +... nor a house. + +The mere fact of my pretending that there _are_ such things as semi- +detacheds for people to move into these days ought to have put you wise +from the start that the whole tale was a fabrication. + + * * * * * + +CURES WORTH MAKING. + +(_By our Medical Expert._) + +_The Times_, in its daily summary of "News in Advertisements" recently +called attention to the appeal of an invalided officer who "will be glad to +give a hundred pounds to any doctor, nerve specialist or hospital that can +cure him of occupation neurosis and writer's cramp." A careful study of +other newspapers shows that offers of handsome remuneration for cures are +not confined to those who have suffered from the War, but are made by +civilians and officials of the highest position in public life. We append a +few outstanding examples of the splendid opportunities now provided to +psycho-pathological specialists:-- + +A Cabinet Minister of massive physique, perfect self-confidence and +immovable determination, who has had varied experience in different +business callings and (up to a certain point) unvarying success, offers +five thousand pounds to any professor of deportment or member of the Old +Nobility in reduced circumstances who will impart to him suavity of manner, +tact and diplomatic courtesy, the lack of which constitutes the sole +obstacle to his achieving immortality. If the instructor can succeed in +making him (the Cabinet Minister) really beloved the honorarium will be +doubled. + +An Editor of thirty years' experience as a journalist, first-rate linguist, +deeply versed in geography, Central European politics, etc., will give five +hundred pounds to any mental specialist, registered or unregistered, who +will cure him of an irresistible temptation on all occasions, with or +without provocation, to utilise every incident, occurrence, calamity or +disaster as a means of assailing and undermining the position of the +Coalition Government in general and the PRIME MINISTER in particular. + +A Member of Parliament, formerly attached to one of His Majesty's services, +is prepared to offer fifty pounds to any phrenologist who without +inflicting undue pain will reduce or remove the Bump of Curiosity which at +present impels him without rhyme or reason to bombard Ministers with +irrelevant questions contrary to the public interest and calculated to +produce the maximum amount of irritation even amongst Members who sit on +the same side of the House. + +A Peer of great wealth, striking physiognomy, affectionate disposition and +wonderful general knowledge will pay the sum of twenty thousand pounds to +any psychiatric practitioner who succeeds in eliminating from his system +the microbe of filmolatry, the ravages of which have latterly threatened to +infect his monumental mind with histrionic monomania highly deleterious to +the best interests of the community. + +A neo-Georgian poet, disciple of FREUD, pacificist and vegetarian, will +gladly pay five pounds to any psychopathic suggestionist who will extirpate +from his subconsciousness the lingering relics of an antipathy to +syncopated rhythms which retard his progress towards a complete mastery of +the technique of amorphous bombination. + + * * * * * + +ANOTHER "SUBSTITUTE." + + "For the first time on record snow has fallen at Albany, Western + Australia. + + The Food Ministry announces that this surplus will therefore be + available for home jam-making."--_Provincial Paper._ + + * * * * * + + "The Roman poets, all of them inveterate Cockneys, talk of the joys of + the country, of purling streams and lowing kine and frisking lamps."-- + _Weekly Paper._ + +And their verses occasionally smell of them. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Prospective Mistress._ "ARE YOU A CONSISTENTLY EARLY +RISER?" + +_Maid._ "NOT ARF! WHY, MUM, IN MY LAST PLACE THE MASTER'S PET NAME FOR ME +WAS 'THE EARLY WORM.'"] + + * * * * * + +OUR BOOKING-OFFICE. + +(_By Mr. Punch's Staff of Learned Clerks._) + +_Rescue_ (DENT) is a story in the authentic manner of Mr. JOSEPH CONRAD at +his unapproachable best. If it is true, as one has heard, that the book was +begun twenty-five years ago and resumed lately, this explains but does +nothing to minimize a fact upon which we can all congratulate ourselves. +The setting is the shallow seas of the Malay coast, where _Lingard_, an +adventurer (most typically CONRAD) whose passion in life is love for his +brig, has pledged himself to aid an exiled young Rajah in the recovery of +his rights. At the last moment however, when his plans are at point of +action, the whole scheme is thwarted by the stranding of a private yacht +containing certain persons whose rescue (complicated by his sudden +subjection to the woman of the party) eventually involves _Lingard_ in the +loss of fortune and credit. Perhaps you can suppose what Mr. CONRAD makes +of a theme so congenial; how the tale moves under his hand in what was once +well called that "smoky magnificence" of atmosphere, just permitting the +reader to observe at any moment so much and no more of its direction. Of +the style it would now be superfluous to speak. It has been given to Mr. +CONRAD, working in what is originally a foreign medium, to use it with a +dignity unsurpassed by any of our native craftsmen. Such phrases as (of the +prudent mate remonstrating with _Lingard_): "What he really wanted was to +have his existence left intact, for his own cherishing and pride;" or +again, "The situation was too complicated to be entrusted to a cynical or +shameless hope," give one the quick pleasure of words so delicately and +deftly used as to seem newly coined. _Rescue_, in short, is probably the +greatest novel of the year, one by which its author has again enriched our +literature with work of profound and moving quality. + + * * * * * + +I was inclined to flatter myself that nothing in the plot of _The Silver +Tea-shop_ (STANLEY PAUL) could possibly take me by surprise, but I found +towards the end that Miss E. EVERETT GREEN had contrived to slip in the +real villain all unsuspected while I, as she meant me to, was staring hard +at the supposed one, so that there I must acknowledge myself defeated. With +a stolen invention, an old gentleman found shot in his room, and a son +under a vow to avenge his father, the story provides plenty of thrills, and +the "Silver Tea-shop" itself has the fascination that business ventures in +books often exercise. It seems to be run on such lavish lines for the +prices charged that I found myself looking hungrily for its address. I wish +the author had not referred to her hero as having "mobile digits" and +burdened her ingenuous story with anything so important as a prologue. By +making the villain's deserted offspring not one baby girl only, or even +twins, but triplets, Miss EVERETT GREEN provides waitresses all of one +family for the "Silver Tea-shop," and that, though a happy arrangement, is +a little too uncommon to add to the likelihood of an unconvincing tale. + + * * * * * + +When a book is succinctly labelled _Love Stories_ (DORAN), at least no one +has any right to complain that he wasn't warned beforehand of the character +of its contents. As a matter of fact, human nature being what it is, I have +little doubt that Mrs. MARY ROBERTS RINEHART has hit upon a distinctly +profitable title. Indeed I believe that this has already been proved in the +Land of Freedom, from which the work comes to us, where (I am given to +understand) the vogue of sentimental fiction is even greater than with +ourselves. What the name does nothing to indicate is that the stories are +almost all of them laid in or about hospital wards. For some, perhaps most, +of the author's admirers this may serve only to increase the charm; for +others, who prefer their romance unflavoured with iodoform, not. Undeniable +that she has a smiling way with her, and a gift of sympathetic enjoyment +that carries off the old, old dialogues, even imparting freshness to the +tale of the patient _in extremis_ who persuades his attractive nurse into a +death-bed marriage, treatment that the slightest experience of fiction +should have warned her to be invariably curative. Perhaps the best of the +tales is "Jane," which tells very amusingly the results of a hospital +strike that in actual life would, I imagine, have provided little humorous +relief. By this time you may have gathered that what matters about Mrs. +RINEHART is not what she says but the way that she says it; upon which hint +you can act as fancy dictates. + + * * * * * + +I very distinctly feel that "KATHARINE TYNAN" could have made a first-rate +novel of _Denys the Dreamer_ (COLLINS) and have had plenty over for a good +second if she had taken the trouble. But her fluent pen runs away with her +down paths that lead nowhere in particular, instead of developing her main +characters and situations to an intelligible and satisfactory point. +_Denys_ is of a gentle Irish family that has come down to very small +farming. He dreams good, solid and rather Anglo-Saxon dreams of draining +bogs on the sea-coast estates of _Lord Leenane_, whose agent he becomes +(and whose daughter he loves from afar), and of a great port that is to +rival Belfast. Unexpected, not to say incredible, assistance comes from a +Jew money-lender and his wife. The portraits of _Mr._ and _Mrs. Aarons_ are +the best things in the book, and I hope Mrs. HINKSON will make a novel +about these two admirable people some day soon. _Denys_ makes his own and +his patron's fortune and I am sure lives happily ever after with _Dawn_, +who is the palest wraith of a girl, owing to the shameful neglect of her +author, who is too busy putting large sums of money into the pockets of the +principal puppets. Indeed, for a West Coast of Ireland story a demoralising +amount of money is going about. + + * * * * * + +The principal scenes of _The North Door_ (CONSTABLE) are laid in the +Cornwall of some hundred-and-thirty years ago, and I welcome Dr. GREVILLE +MACDONALD as an expert in the Cornish language and character. Cornwall, as +all readers of fiction know, has during the last few years been attacked +again and again by novelists, and most of them would do well to study Dr. +MACDONALD'S romance and most thoroughly to digest it. In form, however, he +will have little to teach them, for his book is very indifferently +constructed. It may seem ungrateful in these rather skimpy days to complain +of a surfeit of matter, but there is stuff in this book for two if not +three novels. One cannot blame Dr. MACDONALD for his indignation at the +miseries of child-labour, but here it is perhaps out of place. His _Mr. +Trevenna_, the mystical parson, friend of smugglers and of everyone who +suffered from laws (unrighteous or righteous), is a great figure; and I +shall not soon forget either his correspondence with _Lady Evangeline +Walrond_ or his superhuman kindliness of heart. If you want to get at the +true flavour of Cornwall you have only to open _The North Door_. + + * * * * * + +A young clerk in an insurance office, who wanted to go as a missionary to +India, is the hero, if there is one, of Mrs. ALICE PERRIN'S latest novel, +_The Vow of Silence_ (CASSELL). I have never read a book about India which +made such an ambition seem more courageous, for it gives such a hot and +thirsty picture of that country when _Harold Williams_ at last reaches it +that it is positively uncomfortable to read it in Summer weather. _Harold_ +and his brother and sister missionaries live in a state of stuffy +discomfort which soon undermines his health and leaves him no defence +against the charms of _Elaine Taverner_, who has a large cool drawing-room +and dainty frocks, and a young soldier lover and an old scholar husband, +and all the other things we expect of pretty young women in Anglo-Indian +novels. Poor _Harold_, consumed at once by a zeal which makes him long to +save _Elaine's_ soul and a passion which makes him embrace a parcel of her +_lingerie_, very naturally loses the remains of his reason and paves the +way for her marriage with her lover by obligingly pushing the elderly +husband into the jaws of a crocodile. If it were more convincing it would +be a painful story--in some hands it might have been a great one; as it is, +Mrs. PERRIN seems for once to have missed her opportunity. + + * * * * * + +If the publisher of _About It And About_ had told me on the wrapper that +Mr. D. WILLOUGHBY has an excellent fund of literary reminiscence, on which +he draws for the modelling of a very pretty epigrammatical style, I should, +after reading the book, have agreed with him heartily. What Mr. T. FISHER +UNWIN does say about these short essays, which embrace most of the subjects +on which people have violent opinions, is that the author's "point of view +is that of the natural historian making an unprejudiced examination." An +unprejudiced man, I take it, is a man whose sentiments are the same as +mine, and I happen to disagree with Mr. WILLOUGHBY as profoundly as +possible on several of the themes he has chosen. On fox-hunting, for +instance, which he considers a more decadent sport than bull-fighting; and +on Ulster, which he attacks bitterly by comparison with the rest of +Ireland, for cherishing antiquated political animosities and talking about +the Battle of the Boyne. But will Mr. WILLOUGHBY not have been hearing of +"the curse of CROMWELL"? Let us rather agree to be impatient with Yorkshire +for her absurd tranquillity with regard to WILLIAM THE FIRST. I repeat that +Mr. WILLOUGHBY has a very clever style, but, bless his heart, he is as +bigoted as I am myself. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Occupant of Pew._ "ENTIRELY SELF-MADE. ORIGINALLY A WAITER, +AS YOU CAN SEE."] + + + + + + +End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. +159, July 14th, 1920, by Various + +*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH *** + +***** This file should be named 16592-8.txt or 16592-8.zip ***** +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: + https://www.gutenberg.org/1/6/5/9/16592/ + +Produced by Jonathan Ingram, Keith Edkins and the Online +Distributed Proofreading Team at https://www.pgdp.net + + +Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions +will be renamed. + +Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no +one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation +(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without +permission and without paying copyright royalties. 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You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 159, July 14th, 1920 + +Author: Various + +Release Date: August 25, 2005 [EBook #16592] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1 + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH *** + + + + +Produced by Jonathan Ingram, Keith Edkins and the Online +Distributed Proofreading Team at https://www.pgdp.net + + + + + + +</pre> + + <h1>PUNCH,<br /> + OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.</h1> + + <h2>Vol. 159.</h2> + <hr class="full" /> + + <h2>July 14th, 1920.</h2> + <hr class="full" /> +<span class="pagenum"><a name="page21" id="page21"></a>[pg 21]</span> + +<h2>CHARIVARIA.</h2> + + <p>We understand that it has now been decided that the Ex-Kaiser will + travel to England for his trial by way of the Channel Tunnel.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + + <p>A new coal war is anticipated by <i>The Daily Express</i>. The + difficulty is in knowing where the last coal war ended and this one will + begin.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + + <p>We understand that the Government fixture card is not yet complete and + they still have a few open dates for Peace Conferences (away matches) for + medium teams.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + + <p>The world's largest blasting-furnace has been opened at Ebbw Vale. It + is expected however that others will flare up immediately the <font + class="sc">Chancellor's</font> proposals go through.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + + <p>"Militarism has created a dragon whose fangs will never properly be + drawn," announces a writer in a Sunday paper. This charge against <font + class="sc">Mr. Winston Churchill's</font> dentist is, in our opinion, + most unkind.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + + <p>The report that the Turks had appealed to the Allies to stop the new + war in Asia Minor turns out to be incorrect. What the Turks demand is + that the Allies shall stop the Greek end of it.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + + <p>"I would like to take a great piece of England back to America as a + souvenir of the happy time I have recently spent there," exclaimed Miss + <font class="sc">Mary Pickford</font> to a reporter in Belgium. + Arrangements, we hear, are now being hastily made to offer her the whole + of Ireland if she will take it away during this month.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + + <p>According to a local paper a lawyer living in Birmingham, returning + unexpectedly from the theatre, discovered two burglars at work in his + library. It is reported, however, that the intruders with great presence + of mind immediately retained him for their defence.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + + <p>Several workhouses in the South of England now possess tennis-courts + and bowling-greens. It is satisfactory to note that preparations are at + last being made to receive the New Poor.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + + <p>We are glad to learn that the two members of a well-known club in the + City who inadvertently took away their own umbrellas have now agreed to + exchange same, so that the reputation of the club shall not suffer.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + + <p>A Warwickshire miner summoned for not sending his child to school is + reported to have pleaded that he saw a red triangle danger notice above + the word "school" and therefore kept his daughter away.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + + <p>"We must have support," said the <font + class="sc">Postmaster-General</font> last week. We can only say that we + always buy our stamps at one of his post-offices.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + + <p>A little domestic tragedy was enacted in London last week. It appears + that a small boy, on being offered a penny by his mother, who had just + returned from the winter sales, refused it, saying that he was not + allowed to accept money from strangers.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + + <p>An official of the New York Y.W.C.A. inquires whether a woman of + thirty years is young. A more fair question would be, "When is a woman + thirty years of age?"</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + + <p>President <font class="sc">C.W. Eliot</font>, of Harvard University, + says Britishers drink tea because it feeds the brain. Our own opinion is + that we drink it because we have tasted our coffee.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + + <p>So many servant-girls are being enticed from one house to another that + several houses now display the notice, "Visitors are requested to refrain + from stealing the servants."</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + + <p>Under a new Order public-houses will not open until seven in the + evening on Sundays. This seems to be another attempt to discourage early + rising on that day.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + + <p>Two men have been arrested at Oignies, Pas de Calais, for selling + stones as coal. We fancy we know the coal-dealer from whom they got this + wrinkle.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + + <p>Speaking at Sheffield University last week, Sir <font class="sc">Eric + Geddes</font> said he hoped to see the day when there would be a degree + of Transport. What we're getting now, we gather, can't really be called + Transport at all.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + + <p>A live mussel measuring six inches has been found inside a codfish at + Newcastle. We expect that if the truth was known the mussel snapped at + the cod-fish and annoyed it.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + + <p>A soldier arrested at Dover told the police he was <i>Sydney + Carton</i>, the hero of <i>The Tale of Two Cities</i>. He is supposed to + be an impostor.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + + <p>A market-gardener in Surrey is said to be the double of Mr. <font + class="sc">Winston Churchill</font>. Since this announcement it is stated + that the poor fellow has been inundated with messages of sympathy.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + + <p>"The secret of success," says Mr. <font class="sc">W. Harris</font>, + "is hard work." Still, some people would scorn to take advantage of + another man's secret.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + + <p>Wives, said the Judge of the Clerkenwell County Court recently, are + not so ignorant that they do not know what their husband's earnings are. + There is no doubt, however, that many workmen's wives simply pocket the + handful of bank-notes their husbands fling them on Saturday night without + stopping to count them.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + + <p>There were no buyers, it is stated, for fifty thousand blankets + offered by the Disposals Board last week. We have all along maintained + that, though it would take time, the Board would wear its adversaries + down.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + + <p>According to an official list recently published the Government + employs over three thousand charwomen. The number is said to be so great + that they have to take it in turns to empty Mr. <font class="sc">Austen + Chamberlain's</font> portfolio.</p> + +<hr /> + + <div class="figcenter" style="width:50%;"> + <a href="images/022.png"><img width="100%" src="images/022.png" + alt="Don't get him too tame, Professor." /></a> + <p><i>Showman.</i> "<font class="sc">Don't get him too tame, Professor. + He's got to go five rounds with the boxing kangaroo when you've + finished.</font>"</p> + </div> +<hr /> + +<span class="pagenum"><a name="page22" id="page22"></a>[pg 22]</span> + +<h2>A CRICKET MANNERISM.</h2> + + <p>A writer commented recently in an article in <i>Punch</i> on the + advantage to a cricketer of some harmless mannerism, giving as an + instance Mr. P.F. <font class="sc">Warner's</font> habit of hitching up + the left side of his trousers and patting the ground seven times with his + bat. This homely touch reminded me irresistibly of Rankin. Not that + Rankin resembles Mr. <font class="sc">Warner</font> even remotely in any + other way. But Rankin has a mannerism, one which is fairly harmless, too, + as a general rule. If on one occasion, of which I will tell you, it had + unfortunate results, there was then a combination of circumstances for + which Rankin was not entirely responsible. That much I now feel myself + able to admit. At the time I could see nothing good about Rankin at + all.</p> + + <p>Rankin resides in our village of Littleborough, and is by trade what + is known as a jobbing gardener. On Thursdays he is my gardener, on + Wednesdays Mrs. Dobbie's gardener, and so on. On Saturday afternoons he + plays cricket. Or at least he dresses in (among other garments) a pair of + tight white flannel trousers and a waistcoat, and joins the weekly + game.</p> + + <p>Recently we met in deadly combat the neighbouring village of + Smallwick. Away into the unchronicled past runs the record of these + annual contests. Each village hints that it has gained the greater number + of victories; each is inclined in its heart to believe that the other one + has actually done so—because, as I suppose, the agony of defeat + leaves a more lasting impression than the joy of victory. But I digress. + We have not even got to Rankin's mannerism yet.</p> + + <p>Rankin's mannerism is the habit of plunging his hands into his trouser + pockets. A very ordinary one, you will say; but not when carried to the + extent to which Rankin carries it. It is useless for Rankin to field at + short slip, for instance. The only time he did so a catch struck him + sharply in the lower chest (and fell to the ground, of course) before he + had time to take his hands out of his pockets. When he is batting he + crams one hand into his pocket between each delivery. As he wears a large + batting glove and his trousers are very tight (as I mentioned before) + this is a matter of some difficulty. In fact we usually attribute the + smallness of his scores to its unsteadying effect.</p> + + <p>How he ever survived five years of military service without being shot + for persistently carrying his hands in his pockets while on parade, to + the detriment of good order and military discipline, I can never + understand. Surely some Brass-hat, inspecting Rankin's regiment, must + have noticed that Rankin's hands were in his pockets when he should have + been presenting arms? I can only presume that they all loved Rankin, and + love is blind. Well, he is quite a good chap. I like him myself.</p> + + <p>We now come to the day of the Smallwick <i>v.</i> Littleborough + match.</p> + + <p>Smallwick lost the toss and went out to field, and, as one of their + players had not arrived, Rankin went with them as a substitute.</p> + + <p>We lost three wickets for only ten runs, and then I went in. It was + one of my rare cricket days. I felt, I knew, that I should make + runs—not much more than twenty, of course, but then twenty is a big + score for Littleborough. And I felt like twenty at least.</p> + + <p>Rankin was fielding at deep long-on, close to the tent; but they had + no one at square leg, which is my special direction on my twenty days. + Presently the bowler offered me a full pitch on the leg side. I timed it + successfully, and had no doubt of having added four to my score, when, to + my astonishment, I saw a fieldsman running from the direction of the + hedge. The next moment he had brought off a very creditable catch.</p> + + <p>It did not dawn on me at first that this was their eleventh man, + arrived at that moment. When it did, I could not help laughing to think + that he should imagine he could rush in like that while his substitute + was still fielding. Then I heard the bowler appeal to the umpire, and to + my horror I heard the umpire (their umpire) say "Out."</p> + + <p>"But they can't have twelve men fielding," I cried. "The substitute is + still there."</p> + + <p>"You're out, Sir," said the umpire haughtily. "The substitoot has + already retired. 'E's standing there watching the game with 'is 'ands in + 'is pockets."</p> + +<hr /> + +<h4>A Self-Starter.</h4> + + <blockquote> + <p>"Born of an Iris moter and a Scots father, in Chicago, U.S.A., Mr. + ——'s ability for the stage developed very + early."—<i>New Zealand Paper.</i></p> + + </blockquote> +<hr class="short" /> + + <blockquote> + <p>"Within the square of spectators were paraded about two thousand Girl + Guides. It delighted the eye to see the companies march with precision + and smartness, while the ear was charmed and the marital spirit stirred + by the music of the pipes and drums."—<i>Scotch Paper.</i></p> + + </blockquote> + <p>So <i>that</i>'s the idea.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + + <blockquote> + <p>"Soon we could make out the Sultan's Palace, from which the tired + 'Hunter of the East' was now unwinding his 'nose of light.'"— + <i>—— Magazine.</i></p> + + </blockquote> + <p>For further details of this remarkable organ see <font + class="sc">Lear's</font> "Dong with the Luminous Nose."</p> + +<hr /> + +<h2>PHILOSOPHERS.</h2> + + <p>We are all different, and often our differences are of the widest. + Some men can be knocked prostrate by the most trifling disappointment, + while others can extract comfort or even positive benefit from what looks + like complete disaster—such as the Cambridge youth I met last week, + raving about <font class="sc">Turner's</font> "Fighting Téméraire."</p> + + <p>"But I didn't know you were interested in pictures," I said.</p> + + <p>"Oh, yes, I've always been, in a way," he replied; "but it wasn't till + the rain ruined the first day of the Varsity match that I ever had a real + chance to get to the National Gallery, and when it came down like blazes + again on Tuesday I went back there. Did you ever see such painting? And + the pathos of it too! And then that frosty morning scene in the same + room! Why, <font class="sc">Turner</font> was too wonderful."</p> + + <p>How some of the other dampened enthusiasts tided over their loss I can + only guess; but this ardent one reminded me of the Shipwrecked + Entomologist, and I placed him on a niche somewhere near that radiant + soul.</p> + + <p>And who was he?</p> + + <p>Well, he was the curator of his own department in some Indian + museum—I think at Calcutta—and when the time came for his + holiday he took a passage for Japan on a little tramp steamer. Everything + went well until a few hours out of Shanghai, when a typhoon began to blow + with terrific force. The ship was driven on the coast of Korea, where she + set about breaking up, and only with the greatest difficulty did the + passengers and crew get to shore, bruised and saturated, without anything + but their clothes and what their pockets could hold. Some lives were + lost, but my man was saved.</p> + + <p>It was a desolate part, with nothing but the poorest huts for shelter, + dirty and verminous, so that the discomforts of the land were almost + equal to the perils of the sea.</p> + + <p>Naturally, on his return to Calcutta the curator was plied with + questions. How did be feel about it? Wasn't it an awful experience? If + ever a man deserved sympathy it was he. And so forth. But he wouldn't + rise.</p> + + <p>"Sympathy?" he said. "Good Heavens! I don't want sympathy. Why, I had + the time of my life. Do you know that during the night in that Korean + hovel I found five absolutely new kinds of bug."</p> + +<p class="author">E.V.L.</p> + +<hr /> + + <blockquote> + <p>"Notice to the public, that John ——, Toronto, will not be + responsible for debts hereafter contracted by any one."—<i>Canadian + Paper.</i></p> + + </blockquote> + <p>Very sensible of him.</p> + +<hr /> + +<span class="pagenum"><a name="page23" id="page23"></a>[pg 23]</span> + + <div class="figcenter" style="width:100%;"> + <a href="images/024.png"><img width="100%" src="images/024.png" + alt="SUBJECT TO REVISION." /></a> + <div class="i16"> + <h3>SUBJECT TO REVISION.</h3> + + <p><font class="sc">British Housewife.</font> "DO YOU REALLY MEAN + IT?"</p> + + <p><font class="sc">Miner.</font> "WELL, PART OF IT, ANYWAY."</p> + </div> + </div> +<hr /> + +<span class="pagenum"><a name="page24" id="page24"></a>[pg 24]</span> + + <div class="figcenter" style="width:100%;"> + <a href="images/025.png"><img width="100%" src="images/025.png" + alt="Oi be sorry to 'ave to take 'ee off, Garge." /></a> + <p><i>Captain</i> (<i>to very unsuccessful lob bowler</i>). "<font + class="sc">Oi be sorry to 'ave to take 'ee off, Garge, but I must let + the Vicar 'ave a go before the ball gets egg-shaped.</font>"</p> + </div> +<hr /> + +<h3>SANTAMINGOES.</h3> + +<p class="center"><font class="sc">A Fancy.</font></p> + + <blockquote> + <p>[The santamingo is a kind of Oriental bird believed by foolish + sailor-men to confer on its possessor great content and peace of + mind.]</p> + + </blockquote> + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>East from the Mahanadi and north of the Nicobar</p> + <p>You will come to Evening Island where the santamingoes are;</p> + <p>Their wings are sunrise-orange and their tails are starlight-blue;</p> + <p>You catch a santamingo and all your dreams come true.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>They've a crest of flaming scarlet and a purple-golden breast,</p> + <p>And their voice is like all the music that ever you liked the best,</p> + <p>And their eyes are like all the comfort that ever you hoped to find;</p> + <p>You catch a santamingo and you'll get peace of mind.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>You won't find buried treasures, you won't get sudden luck,</p> + <p>But things'll just go smoothly that used to get somehow stuck—</p> + <p>The little things that matter, the trumpery things that please,</p> + <p>You catch your santamingo and you're always sure of these.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>You don't get thrones and kingdoms, you don't turn great or good,</p> + <p>But you know you're just in tune with things, you know you're understood,</p> + <p>And wherever you chance to be is home and any old time's the best</p> + <p>When you've got your santamingo to keep your heart at rest.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>If ever you've dreamed of a golden day when nothing at at all went wrong,</p> + <p>Or a pal who'd want no tellings but would somehow just belong,</p> + <p>Or a place that said, "I was made for you"—well, sailor-men tell you flat,</p> + <p>You catch your santamingo and you'll find it all like that.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>* * * * *</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>I've sailed from the Mahanadi to north of the Nicobar,</p> + <p>But I can't find Evening Island where the santamingoes are,</p> + <p>Though I've taken salt to put on their tails and all that a hunter should—</p> + <p>Perhaps you can't <i>really</i> catch them; but don't you wish you could?</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p class="i16">H.B.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + </div> + </div> + +<hr /> + + <blockquote> + <p>"Capitalist who will consider financing Canadian oil fields or will + send English theologist to investigate property."—<i>Daily + Paper.</i></p> + + </blockquote> + <p>And do the clerical work, we suppose.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + + <p>From a description of the V.C.'s at Buckingham Palace:—</p> + + <blockquote> + <p>"There were a sergeant-major arranged in nine separate groups, and an + attempt had been made to get old comrades together as far as + possible."—<i>Provincial Paper.</i></p> + + </blockquote> + <p>The reassembling of the sergeant-major must have taken a bit of + doing.</p> + +<hr /> + +<span class="pagenum"><a name="page25" id="page25"></a>[pg 25]</span> + +<h2>MY RAT.</h2> + + <p>He visits me at least once every day. His favourite time is the hour + of tea, when the family and staff may be expected to be at home; but + sometimes he honours us with an additional call at the luncheon hour. He + emerges from his deep hole beneath an ivy root, takes the air up and down + the paths of my rockery, glances in at the drawing-room window, passes on + to the back premises, and so home.</p> + + <p>There is nothing furtive about his movements. His manner is that of + one who has purchased the mansion and its appurtenances but does not wish + to disturb the sitting tenants. It is his duty to sea that the premises + are properly cared for, but for the present he has no desire to take + possession. It is beautiful weather and the simple life out-of-doors + contents him.</p> + + <p>He is a brown rat. I write of his sex with confidence because his + urbanity is that of a polished gentleman of the world; no feminine + creature could ever display it. A female rat who had bought the house + would eagerly try to get in and drive us forth. But not so my rat. He + discharges the function of a landlord as considerately as he can; after + all, even a landlord must be allowed the rights of inspection of his own + property.</p> + + <p>At first I regarded him as merely an ordinary intrusive brown rat. I + laid down poisonous pills composed of barium carbonate and flour. He did + not take offence; he understood our human limitations. He showed by a + jaunty cock of the eye that all to understand is all to pardon. His daily + visits continued without abatement.</p> + + <p>It has been suggested to me that we should await his regular calls + with dogs, blood-thirsty terriers. I cannot take so scurvy an advantage + of his confidence.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + + <p>I have sinned. The fault is less mine than that of the High Court of + Parliament. I was bidden to study the penalties laid down for those who + do not proceed to the destruction of their rats. When I weighed my + landlord rat against five treasury notes I confess that in an hour of + meanness I permitted the notes to tip the scale. I prepared phosphor + paste and laid a trail of this loathsome condiment upon the path trodden + every afternoon by my rat.</p> + + <p>He came as usual on the day after that on which I had basely planned + his murder—Heaven forgive me!—that I might escape a trifling + fine, and he deigned to partake of my hospitality. Twenty-four hours + later, when duty summoned him once more at the hour of tea, his eye was + dim and he staggered slightly in his gait. He was still able to go his + rounds, but since that tragic afternoon I have seen him no more.</p> + + <p>My family eyes me with suspicion. They look for the rat, which no + longer arrives at his accustomed hour. My cook has given notice. I alone + bear the burden of the fatal secret.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + + <p>Saved! What care I for five paltry pounds now that our rat has + recovered from his indisposition and has hastened to re-visit his + property? The phosphor paste, like arsenic, has added brightness to his + eye and brought a beautiful lustre to his smooth brown coat. He has + softened in his manner and tends towards friendship. There is less of the + grand air, less assertion of the vast gap which yawns between the + landlord and the tenant. Presently, if I continue to prove worthy of his + condescension, my rat will eat phosphor paste out of my hand.</p> + +<hr /> + + <div class="figcenter" style="width:66%;"> + <a href="images/026.png"><img width="100%" src="images/026.png" + alt="Try a number twenty-seven bus." /></a> + <p><i>Jack</i> (<i>to novice in difficulties with the tide</i>). "<font + class="sc">The next time you sportsmen takes an outin' try a number + twenty-seven bus.</font>"</p> + </div> +<hr /> + + <p>From the obituary notice of an octogenarian:—</p> + + <blockquote> + <p>"He was a keen chronologist, and possessed a valuable collection of + shells."—<i>Provincial Paper.</i></p> + + </blockquote> + <p>Picked up, no doubt, on the sands of time.</p> + +<hr /> + +<span class="pagenum"><a name="page26" id="page26"></a>[pg 26]</span> + +<h2>THE LITTLE HORSE.</h2> + + <p>[The following fragment is taken from the play, <i>David Lloyd + George</i>, which we understand may some day be produced at the Lyric + Opera House, Hammersmith, as a companion-piece to <i>Abraham + Lincoln</i>.]</p> + + <p>The scene is laid in the House of Commons, where Sir <font + class="sc">Frederick Banbury</font> has moved the rejection of the Poets + and Verse (Nationalisation) Bill.</p> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p><i>Sir <font class="sc">Frederick Banbury</font> is speaking.</i></p> + <p class="i16"> But it stands to reason,</p> + <p class="i2">If you propose to pay them just the same</p> + <p class="i2">Whether they write a little or a lot,</p> + <p class="i2">They won't write <i>anything</i>. There will not be</p> + <p class="i2">Sufficient stimulus. It's human nature,</p> + <p class="i2">And human nature is unchangeable.</p> + <p class="i2">Do you imagine, Sir, that <font class="sc">Keats</font> or <font class="sc">Shelley</font></p> + <p class="i2">Would have produced such valuable work,</p> + <p class="i2">So large an output, if this precious Bill</p> + <p class="i2">Had been in operation at the time?</p> + <p class="i2">We should have had no <font class="sc">Shakspeare</font>. And, besides,</p> + <p class="i2">It means the death of British poetry,</p> + <p class="i2">Because we can't continue to compete</p> + <p class="i2">With foreign countries.</p> + <p><i>A Labour Member.</i> I am not a lawyer</p> + <p class="i2">Nor I am not a manufacturer,</p> + <p class="i2">But earned my bread these five-and-forty years,</p> + <p class="i2">Sweating and sweating. I know what sweat is....</p> + <p><i>An Hon. Member.</i></p> + <p class="i2">You're not the only person who has sweated.</p> + <p><i>Labour Member.</i></p> + <p class="i2">At any rate I sweated more than you did.</p> + <p><i>Mr. <font class="sc">Speaker</font>.</i></p> + <p class="i2">I do not think these constant interruptions</p> + <p class="i2">Are really helping us.</p> + <p><i>Labour Member.</i> So you may take it</p> + <p class="i2">That what I utter is an honest word,</p> + <p class="i2">A plain, blunt, honest and straightforward word,</p> + <p class="i2">Neither adorned with worthless flummery</p> + <p class="i2">And tricks of language—for I have no learning—</p> + <p class="i2">Nor yet with false and empty rhetoric</p> + <p class="i2">Like lawyers' speeches. I am not a lawyer,</p> + <p class="i2">I thank my stars that I am not a lawyer,</p> + <p class="i2">And can without a spate of parleying</p> + <p class="i2">Briefly expound, as I am doing now,</p> + <p class="i2">The whole caboodle. As for this here Bill,</p> + <p class="i2">So far as it means Nationalising verse,</p> + <p class="i2">We shall support it. On the other hand,</p> + <p class="i2">So far as it means interferences</p> + <p class="i2">With the free liberty of working-men</p> + <p class="i2">To write their poetry when and how they like,</p> + <p class="i2">We will not <i>have</i> the Bill. So now you know.</p> + <p><i>Mr. <font class="sc">Asquith</font>.</i></p> + <p class="i2">It was remarked, I think by <font class="sc">Aristotle</font>,</p> + <p class="i2">That wisdom is not always to the wise;</p> + <p class="i2">To which opinion, if we may include</p> + <p class="i2">In that august and jealous category</p> + <p class="i2">The President of the Board of Ululation,</p> + <p class="i2">I am prepared most freely to subscribe.</p> + <p class="i2">When was there ever since the early Forties</p> + <p class="i2">A more grotesque and shameless mockery</p> + <p class="i2">Of the austere and holy principles</p> + <p class="i2">Which Liberalism like an altar-flame</p> + <p class="i2">Has guarded through the loose irreverent years</p> + <p class="i2">Than this inept, this disingenuous,</p> + <p class="i2">This frankly disingenuous attempt;</p> + <p class="i2">To smuggle past the barrier of this House</p> + <p class="i2">An article so plainly contraband</p> + <p class="i2">As this unlicens'd and contagious Bill—</p> + <p class="i2">A Bill which, it is not too much to say,</p> + <p class="i2">Insults the conscience of the British Empire?</p> + <p class="i2">I will not longer, Sir, detain the House;</p> + <p class="i2">Indeed I cannot profitably add</p> + <p class="i2">To what I said in 1892.</p> + <p class="i2">Speaking at Manchester I used these words:—</p> + <p class="i4">"If in the inconstant ferment of their minds</p> + <p class="i4">The <font class="sc">King's</font> advisers can indeed discover</p> + <p class="i4">No surer ground of principle than this;</p> + <p class="i4">If we have here their final contribution</p> + <p class="i4">To the most clamant and profound conundrum</p> + <p class="i4">Ever proposed for statesmanship to solve,</p> + <p class="i4">Then are we watching at the bankruptcy</p> + <p class="i4">Of all that wealth of intellect and power</p> + <p class="i4">Which has made England great. If that be true</p> + <p class="i4">We may put <font class="sc">Finis</font> to our history.</p> + <p class="i4">But I for one will never lend my suffrage</p> + <p class="i4">To that conclusion."</p> + <p class="i16">[<i>An Ovation.</i></p> + <p><i><font class="sc">Mr. David Lloyd George</font>.</i> Mr. <font class="sc">Speaker</font>, Sir,</p> + <p class="i2">I do not intervene in this discussion</p> + <p class="i2">Except to say how much I deprecate</p> + <p class="i2">The intemperate tone of many of the speakers—</p> + <p class="i2">Especially the Honourable Member</p> + <p class="i2">For Allways Dithering—about this Bill,</p> + <p class="i2">This tiny Bill, this teeny-weeny Bill.</p> + <p class="i2">What <i>is</i> it, after all? The merest trifle!</p> + <p class="i2">The merest trifle—no, not tipsy-cake—</p> + <p class="i2">No trickery in it! Really one would think</p> + <p class="i2">The Government had nothing else to do</p> + <p class="i2">But sit and listen to offensive speeches.</p> + <p class="i2">How can the horse, the patient horse, go on</p> + <p class="i2">If people will keep dragging at the reins?</p> + <p class="i2">He has so terrible a load to bear,</p> + <p class="i2">And right in front there is a great big hill.</p> + <p class="i2">The horse is very tired, and it is raining.</p> + <p class="i2">Poor little horse! But yonder, at the top,</p> + <p class="i2">Look, look, there is a rainbow in the sky,</p> + <p class="i2">The promise of fair weather, and beyond</p> + <p class="i2">There is a splendidly-appointed stable,</p> + <p class="i2">With oats and barley, or whatever 'tis</p> + <p class="i2">That horses eat, while smiling all around</p> + <p class="i2">Stretch out the prairies of Prosperity,</p> + <p class="i2">Cornfields and gardens, all that sort of thing.</p> + <p class="i2">That's where the horse is going. But, you see,</p> + <p class="i2">The horse has got to climb the great big hill</p> + <p class="i2">Before he gets there. Oh, you must see that.</p> + <p class="i2">Then let us cease this petty bickering;</p> + <p class="i2">Let us have no more dragging at the reins.</p> + <p class="i2">What <i>is</i> this Bill when all is said and done?</p> + <p class="i2">Surely this House, surely this mighty nation,</p> + <p class="i2">Which did so much for horses in the War,</p> + <p class="i2">Will not desert this little horse at last</p> + <p class="i2">Because of what calumniators say—</p> + <p class="i2">Newspaper-owners—<i>I</i> know who they are—</p> + <p class="i2">About this Bill! No, no, of course it won't.</p> + <p class="i2">We will take heart and gallop up the hill,</p> + <p class="i2">We will climb up together to the rainbow;</p> + <p class="i2">We will go on to where the rainbow ends—</p> + <p class="i2">I know where that is, for I am a Welshman.</p> + <p class="i2">It is a field, a lovely little field,</p> + <p class="i2">Where there are buttercups and daffodils,</p> + <p class="i2">And long rich grass and very shady trees.</p> + <p class="i2">Hold on a little, and the horse will get there,</p> + <p class="i2">Only, I ask you, let the horse have rein.</p> + <p class="i2">That is my message to the British nation:</p> + <p class="i2">"Hold on! Hold fast! But do not hold too tight!"</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p class="i2">[<i>An Ovation. A Division is taken. The Ayes have it.</i></p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p class="i16">A.P.H.</p> + </div> + </div> + +<hr /> + +<span class="pagenum"><a name="page27" id="page27"></a>[pg 27]</span> + +<h2>TRUE SPORTSMANLIKE BEHAVIOUR.</h2> + + <div class="figright" style="width:45%;"> + <a href="images/028-2.png"><img width="100%" src="images/028-2.png" + alt="TRUE SPORTSMANLIKE BEHAVIOUR (2)." /></a> + <p>"<font class="sc">But I'm almost sure it was not. + Love-Fifteen.</font>"</p> + + <p>"<font class="sc">No, really, I'm practically certain it was in. + Fifteen-love.</font>"</p> + </div> + <div class="figleft" style="width:45%;"> + <a href="images/028-1.png"><img width="100%" src="images/028-1.png" + alt="TRUE SPORTSMANLIKE BEHAVIOUR (1)." /></a> + <p>"<font class="sc">That was a double fault I served, wasn't it? + Love-fifteen.</font>"</p> + + <p>"<font class="sc">No. Your second one was in all right, I think. + Fifteen-love.</font>"</p> + </div> +<br clear="all" /> + + <div class="figright" style="width:45%;"> + <a href="images/028-4.png"><img width="100%" src="images/028-4.png" + alt="TRUE SPORTSMANLIKE BEHAVIOUR (4)." /></a> + <p>"<font class="sc">But, my dear good fellow, I know I'm right. + Love-fifteen.</font>"</p> + + <p>"<font class="sc">My very good idiot, you aren't. + Fifteen-love.</font>"</p> + </div> + <div class="figleft" style="width:45%;"> + <a href="images/028-3.png"><img width="100%" src="images/028-3.png" + alt="TRUE SPORTSMANLIKE BEHAVIOUR (3)." /></a> + <p>"<font class="sc">It looked miles out to me. + Love-fifteen.</font>"</p> + + <p>"<font class="sc">Well, you were wrong, that's all. + Fifteen-love.</font>"</p> + </div> +<br clear="all" /> + + <div class="figright" style="width:45%;"> + <a href="images/028-6.png"><img width="100%" src="images/028-6.png" + alt="TRUE SPORTSMANLIKE BEHAVIOUR (6)." /></a> + "<font class="sc">Well, call it a let.</font>" + </div> + <div class="figleft" style="width:45%;"> + <a href="images/028-5.png"><img width="100%" src="images/028-5.png" + alt="TRUE SPORTSMANLIKE BEHAVIOUR (5)." /></a> + <p>"<font class="sc">You pig-headed beast, I am. + Love-fifteen.</font>"</p> + + <p>"<font class="sc">You're a liar! You're not. + Fifteen-love.</font>"</p> + </div> +<br clear="all" /> + +<hr /> + +<span class="pagenum"><a name="page28" id="page28"></a>[pg 28]</span> + + <div class="figcenter" style="width:50%;"> + <a href="images/029.png"><img width="100%" src="images/029.png" + alt="THE NEW RIVER BELLE." /></a> + THE NEW RIVER "BELLE." + + <p><i>Society Gossip Note.</i> "I also saw the Honourable Pamela + Puntah, attended by a gorgeous creation in tangerine orange and + cornflower blue, with hat and handkerchief to match."</p> + + <p>[It was remarked that at Henley the men's river attire quite + outshone the ladies'.]</p> + </div> +<hr /> + +<h2>WORD CHAINS.</h2> + + <p>Sheila Davies and her brother had cycled over to play tennis. They + sat, with John and myself, on the steps and watched the rain falling.</p> + + <p>"As a matter of general interest," said Arthur Davies to me, "when a + man invites his friends and neighbours over to play tennis and it pours + with rain all the time, what is the correct thing for him to do?"</p> + + <p>"As a matter of general interest," I answered, "the good host will + send the ladies to play the piano, if any, and to talk scandal, whether + there is any or not. He will himself conduct the men of the party to the + billiard-room or the smoking-room and offer them cigarettes and + whisky—if any."</p> + + <p>"Ah," said Davies, "then it isn't usual just to keep them sitting + miserably on the steps watching the net float away?"</p> + + <p>John, on whose steps we were sitting, felt the need of speech.</p> + + <p>"I have often wondered," he said, turning to Miss Davies, "how your + brother ever got into such a nice family as yours. How do you keep so + cheerful with it always about?"</p> + + <p>"One gets used to it in time," said Miss Davies.</p> + + <p>"I suppose so," said John. "After all, we have the same sort of family + disaster in Alan, but we manage to bear up."</p> + + <p>Davies rose.</p> + + <p>"You and I don't seem popular here," he said to me. "Will you conduct + me to the billiard-room or the smoking-room? I am in need of a wash."</p> + + <p>"As a matter of general interest," said John to Miss Davies, "is it + the correct thing to wash <i>before</i> setting out to visit friends, or + can it be left until some hours after arrival?"</p> + + <p>Miss Davies sighed heavily.</p> + + <p>"If you two are going to sit here thinking of clever remarks to make + about each other I shall go home. For goodness' sake let's pretend we are + enjoying ourselves."</p> + + <p>"I <i>am</i> enjoying myself," said John plaintively; "I've been + wanting to say what I really think of your brother for years."</p> + + <p>"Well, don't do it now. Things are miserable enough without having + discussions on Arthur. Let's all have a game at something, shall we?"</p> + + <p>"Splendid idea," said her brother. "What about tennis?"</p> + + <p>"We might get into bathing togs and play polo," I suggested.</p> + + <p>"That's not a bad notion," said John, "and then he needn't have a wash + until to-morrow."</p> + + <p>"I suggest," continued Miss Davies, "that we play at Word Chains."</p> + + <p>Davies buried his face in his hands and groaned.</p> + + <p>"It sounds fine," I said gallantly. "What is it?"</p> + + <p>"Well, it's really a sort of mind exercise. They recommend it in those + courses, you know," said Miss Davies, "er—'it stimulates a logical + sequence in reasoning and quickens the mental processes.'"</p> + + <p>"Is that what they say about it?" asked John fearfully.</p> + + <p>"But it makes a splendid game," added Miss Davies eagerly. "Let me + explain it to you and you'll see. First of all we think of a word, such + as—er—'margarine.'"</p> + + <p>"Why?" asked John.</p> + + <p>"It's part of the game, of course," said Miss Davies indignantly.</p> + + <p>"Oh, I see—of course. How stupid of me!" said John.</p> + + <p>"Then we think of another word quite different, such as—"</p> + + <p>"'Hippopotamus,'" I suggested.</p> + + <p>"That's right," said Miss Davies.</p> + + <p>I stood up and bowed.</p> + + <p>"Well, I'm hanged!" said John. "Jolly good, Alan. However did you + guess it? Has he won?" he asked Miss Davies.</p> + + <p>"Of course not," said she; "we haven't begun yet."</p> + + <p>I sat down again hurriedly.</p> + + <p>"Then," continued Miss Davies, "we take turns, starting with the word + 'margarine' and making a chain, each word being connected in some way + with the one before it. And whoever can get to the word 'hippopotamus' + first has won."</p> + + <p>"One hippopotamus?" asked John.</p> + + <p>"WON," said Miss Davies sweetly.</p> + + <p>Her brother groaned again.</p> + + <p>"I'll just give you an easy example," went on Miss Davies + enthusiastically, "and then we'll begin. Take the words 'fire' and + 'nigger.' A good chain would be + 'fire—coal—black—nigger.' Do you see?</p> + + <p>John and I made sounds expressing that we thought we did. Davies just + went on groaning.</p> + + <p>"Very well," said Miss Davies, "we'll begin. Now don't forget. We + start with 'margarine' and try to get to 'hippopotamus.' The great thing + is to keep the word 'hippopotamus' in your mind all the time and keep + trying to work towards it. Are you ready? Right! I'll start with + 'grease.'"</p> + + <p>"Greece?" said John, looking startled.</p> + + <p>"Yes, margarine—grease," explained Miss Davies.</p> + + <p>"Oh, I see," said John, "er—oil."</p> + + <p>I thought seriously for a moment.</p> + + <p>"Salad," I said, looking round for approval.</p> + + <p>"Splendid," said Miss Davies. "Now you, Arthur."</p> + + <p>"I refuse—Oh, all right," he said. "Where have + we—'salad'—er—'lobster.'"</p> + + <p>Do you catch the idea, as it were? We seemed to fall into the way of + it in a moment. Once we had tried we progressed at a tremendous rate. + Perhaps we are all very clever, or perhaps it was really easier than it + seems in the telling, but looking back the conversation seems to have + been simply brilliant.</p> + + <p>Well, here's an idea of how we went on, anyway, and you can judge for + yourselves (Davies, you remember, has just snapped out + "Lobster"):—</p> + + <p><i>Miss Davies</i> (quick as lightning). Shrimp.</p> + + <p><i>John</i>. Whiskers. (A very subtle one, this.)</p> + + <p><i>Me</i>. Beard. (Rather weak effort.) <span class="pagenum"><a + name="page29" id="page29"></a>[pg 29]</span></p> + + <p><i>Davies.</i> Moustache. (Weaker still; received with groans.)</p> + + <p><i>Miss Davies</i> (quick as another lightning). <font + class="sc">Charlie Chaplin</font>. (Loud cheers here and laughter, + followed by a long pause while John thinks.) At last:—</p> + + <p><i>John.</i> <font class="sc">Mary Pickford</font>.</p> + + <p><i>Me</i> (after another pause). <font class="sc">Douglas + Fairbanks</font>.</p> + + <p><i>Davies</i> (indicating with a wave of the hand that it has been + forced on him). <font class="sc">D.W. Griffiths</font>.</p> + + <p>There is a slight hold-up at this point while Miss Davies tells her + brother that he is not trying, and he says he knows he isn't. Miss Davies + gets back on to the track amidst applause, however, with:—</p> + + <p>"Broken Blossoms."</p> + + <p>After this things went on for a long time, hours and hours I should + say. I remember that we mentioned among many subjects of interest + sausage-rolls, horoscopes, hair-pins, Cleopatra's Needle and lung-wort. I + must resist the temptation to tell the whole absorbing story in detail, + and skip rapidly to the point where the chase reached the following + interesting stage:—</p> + + <p><i>Miss Davies</i> (still going strong). Whale.</p> + + <p><i>John</i> (struggling hard but growing weak). Oil.</p> + + <p><i>Me</i> (quite innocently). Grease.</p> + + <p><i>Davies</i> (triumphantly). <font class="sc">Margarine</font>.</p> + + <p>I looked at Miss Davies in embarrassment. John gazed round + pitifully.</p> + + <p>"But," he murmured weakly, "isn't that where we started?"</p> + + <p>"Of course it is," said Miss Davies indignantly. "You've spoilt the + whole game, Arthur."</p> + + <p>"Well, I can't help it," said her brother; "I thought that was the + word we were after. What was it, anyway?"</p> + + <p>We all looked at the sky and thought hard.</p> + + <p>"Hanged if I know," said John.</p> + + <p>"I'm sure I don't," I said.</p> + + <p>"Well, isn't that ridiculous?" said Miss Davies.</p> + + <p>"Of course it is," said her brother brutally; "I <i>knew</i> it was + ridiculous from the beginning. <i>You</i> said it quickened the mental + processes. Would memory be one of them?"</p> + + <p>"Let's go inside and have some tea," said John.</p> + + <p>We crept quietly indoors.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + + <p>Halfway through tea Miss Davies suddenly waved her teaspoon aloft. We + looked at her and saw a great light shining in her eyes.</p> + + <p>"Hip—hip—hippopotamus!" she shrieked.</p> + + <p>We all agreed that Miss Davies had won.</p> + +<hr /> + + <div class="figcenter" style="width:100%;"> + <a href="images/030.png"><img width="100%" src="images/030.png" + alt="Play us a chune, Mister." /></a> + "<font class="sc">Play us a chune, Mister</font>." + </div> +<hr /> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p class="i8"><b>Magnanimity.</b></p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>There was once a satirical pup</p> + <p>Who with newspaper rule was fed up,</p> + <p class="i2">So he wrote bitter rhymes</p> + <p class="i2">Which disparaged <i>The Times</i></p> + <p>But were praised in its weekly <i>Lit. Supp.</i></p> + </div> + </div> + +<hr /> + + <blockquote> + <p>"The Canadian officials refused to allow her to land because she did + not proopse to carry out her original intention tom arry Captain + ——, and the New Yorkaut horities declined to interfere with + the Canadian decision."—<i>Daily Paper.</i></p> + + </blockquote> + <p>But what we really want to know is where Tom and 'Arry come in.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + + <blockquote> + <p>"<font class="sc">New York</font>, Sunday.</p> + + <p>The s.s. Minnehaha left here yesterday for London with fifty crates of + American birds and a great variety of animals.</p> + + <p>Three trunks were carried for the oppossum to build in and for the + beavers to gnaw."—<i>Daily Mirror.</i></p> + + </blockquote> + <p>Nothing is said about the other creatures' luggage.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + + <p>From the time-table of a Hampshire motor-service:—</p> + + <blockquote> + <p>"The Fares between any points on any route will be found where the + vertical line of figures under the name of one of the points meets the + horizontal line of figures which terminates in the name of the other of + the two points between which it is desired to travel."</p> + + </blockquote> + <p>The Hampshire Hog needs to be a very learned pig.</p> + +<hr /> + +<span class="pagenum"><a name="page30" id="page30"></a>[pg 30]</span> + + <div class="figcenter" style="width:100%;"> + <a href="images/031.png"><img width="100%" src="images/031.png" + alt="A very quiet wedding." /></a> + <div class="i16"> + <p><i>Mother.</i> "<font class="sc">Well, darlings, what are you + playing?</font>"</p> + + <p><i>Margaret.</i> "<font class="sc">We're playing at weddings. I'm + the bride and Betty's the bridesmaid.</font>"</p> + + <p><i>Mother.</i> "<font class="sc">But where's the + bridegroom?</font>"</p> + + <p><i>Margaret.</i> "<font class="sc">Oh, this is a very quiet + wedding.</font>"</p> + </div> + </div> +<hr /> + +<h2>THE REEFS.</h2> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>All the grim rocks that stand guard about Scilly—</p> + <p>Wingletang, Great Smith and Little Granilly,</p> + <p>The Barrel of Butter, Dropnose and Hellweather—</p> + <p>Started to boast of their conquests together,</p> + <p>Of drowned men and gallant, tall vessels laid low</p> + <p>While gulls wheeled about them like flurries of snow</p> + <p>And green combers romped at them smashing in thunder,</p> + <p>Gurgling and booming in caverns down under,</p> + <p>Sending their diamond-drops flying in showers.</p> + <p>"Oh," said the reefs, "what a business is ours!</p> + <p>Since saints in coracles paddled from Erin</p> + <p>(Fishing our waters for sinners and herrin')</p> + <p>And purple-sailed triremes of Hamilco came</p> + <p>To the Islands of Tin, we've played at the game.</p> + <p>We shattered the galleys of conquering Rome,</p> + <p>The galleons of <font class="sc">Philip</font> that scudded for home</p> + <p>(The sea-molluscs slime on their glittering gear);</p> + <p>We plundered the plundering French privateer,</p> + <p>We caught the great Indiaman head in the wind</p> + <p>And gutted her hold of the treasures of Ind;</p> + <p>We sank a whole fleet of three-deckers one night</p> + <p>(The drift of the sand keeps their culverins bright),</p> + <p>And cloudy tea-clippers that raced from Canton</p> + <p>Swept into our clutches—and never went on.</p> + <p>Come steel leviathans scorning disaster</p> + <p>We scrapped them as fast—if anything faster.</p> + <p>So pick up your pilot and take a cross-bearing,</p> + <p>Sound us and chart us from Lion to Tearing,</p> + <p>And ring us with lighthouses, day-marks and buoys,</p> + <p>The gales are our hunters, the fogs our decoys.</p> + <p>We shall not go hungry; we grin and we wait,</p> + <p>Black-fanged and foam-drabbled, the wolves at the Gate."</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p class="i16"><font class="sc">Patlander</font>.</p> + </div> + </div> + +<hr /> + +<h2>AWAY TO THE MEADOWS!</h2> + + <p>Although the cost of everything is on the rise there are still a few + good things that quite a little money can buy. One pound, for + example—or, if you prefer it, twenty shillings—can work + wonders by taking (under the auspices of the Children's Country Holiday + Fund) a London child away from our smoke and grime for a fortnight of + country air and surprises, excitements and joys. The Fund (the Hon. + Treasurer of which is the Earl of <font class="sc">Arran</font>, 18, + Buckingham Street, Strand, London) must not now be restricted because + lodgings and railway fares are dearer. Last year the sum asked for each + child was just half what is now required; but the increase is necessary. + Yet even with the increase it is not great, considering the good that it + can do! In spite of all the other claims of the moment upon his readers' + generosity, Mr. Punch trusts that this modest and most excellent + ameliorative organisation will not be neglected.</p> + +<hr /> + + <blockquote> + <p>"The police are divided in their opinions as to whether Mamie is still + alive or whether she has gone to Canada."—<i>Provincial + Paper.</i></p> + + </blockquote> + <p>Why this "down" on the Dominion?</p> + +<hr /> + +<span class="pagenum"><a name="page31" id="page31"></a>[pg 31]</span> + + <div class="figcenter" style="width:100%;"> + <a href="images/032.png"><img width="100%" src="images/032.png" + alt="OUR PARISH CHURCH." /></a> + <h3>OUR PARISH CHURCH.</h3> + + <p><font class="sc">John Bull</font>. "LET ME SEE, WE MUST BE + ESPECIALLY GENEROUS TO-DAY. THE COLLECTION IS FOR THE RESTORATION + FUND."</p> + </div> +<hr /> + +<span class="pagenum"><a name="page33" id="page33"></a>[pg 33]</span> + +<h2>ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT.</h2> + + <p><i>Monday, July 5th.</i>—When the Germans left Peking after the + Boxer Rebellion they took with them the astronomical instruments which + had hung for centuries on its walls. How the Celestial equivalent of + <i>Old Moore</i> has managed to translate the message of the stars + without their assistance I cannot imagine; but the Chinese Government + does not appear to be worrying, for, though it was specifically provided + at Versailles that the instruments should be returned, China has omitted + to sign the Peace Treaty.</p> + + <div class="figright" style="width:33%;"> + <a href="images/033-1.png"><img width="100%" src="images/033-1.png" + alt="A GENEROUS TEAPOT." /></a> + <p class="center">"A GENEROUS TEAPOT."</p> + + <p class="center"><font class="sc">Colonel Wedgwood</font>.</p> + </div> + <p>There are the makings of a great statesman in Sir <font + class="sc">John Rees</font>. Some apprehension having been expressed lest + France should prohibit the importation of silk mourning crępe and so + injure an old British industry, he was quick to suggest a remedy. "Would + it not be possible," he asked in his most insinuating tones, "to have a + deal between silk and champagne?" And the House, which is not yet + entirely composed of "Pussyfeet," gave him an approving cheer.</p> + + <p>A certain General <font class="sc">Golovin</font> having published + statements reflecting on Mr. <font class="sc">Churchill's</font> conduct + of the campaign in North Russia last year, that section of the House + which is always ready to take the word of any foreigner as against that + of any Englishman, particularly of any English Minister, at once assumed + that the charges were correct. The <font class="sc">Secretary of State + for War</font> was in his place, with the light of battle in his eye, + ready to meet his enemies in the gate. But by the time Mr. <font + class="sc">Bonar Law</font> had done with them there was not much left of + the charges. So far as the statements were true, he said, they merely + repeated what was already familiar to the House. Everybody knew that the + Government was helping the anti-Bolshevik forces last year. But the story + that Mr. <font class="sc">Churchill</font> had taken his orders from + Admiral <font class="sc">Koltchak</font> was both untrue and absurd. He + had simply carried out the policy of the Government, a policy which, + though some hon. Members did not seem to appreciate it, had now been + altered.</p> + + <p>Committee on the Finance Bill saw the annual assault on the tea duty. + "We are going to drop this duty directly we are in a position to do so," + said Commander <font class="sc">Kenworthy</font>, with his eye on the + Treasury Bench. "Who are we?" shouted the Coalitionists; and it presently + appeared that "we" did not include Sir <font class="sc">Donald + Maclean</font>, but did include Colonel <font class="sc">Wedgwood</font>, + who, as becomes one of his name, was all for a generous tea-pot.</p> + +<br clear="all" /> + + <div class="figright" style="width:33%;"> + <a href="images/033-2.png"><img width="100%" src="images/033-2.png" + alt="LIEUT.-COMMANDER KENWORTHY." /></a> + <p>LIEUT.-COMMANDER KENWORTHY GIVES AN INFERIOR IMITATION OF MR. + CHARLES CHAPLIN.</p> + </div> + <p>Undeterred by his failure over tea, Commander <font + class="sc">Kenworthy</font> next attacked the duty on films, complaining + <i>inter alia</i>, "Mr. <font class="sc">Chaplin</font> is taxed twenty + pounds for every thousand feet." Mr. <font class="sc">Chamberlain</font> + defended the tax on general grounds, but wisely avoided Mr. <font + class="sc">Chaplin's</font> feet, over which it is notoriously easy to + trip.</p> + + <p>The debate on the beer duty shattered one more illusion. It is an + article of faith with the "Wee Frees" that Sir <font class="sc">George + Younger</font> is the power behind the scenes, and that Mr. <font + class="sc">Lloyd George</font> is a mere marionette, who only exists to + do his bidding. Yet here was the autocrat confessing, <i>quâ</i> brewer, + that the latest addition to the beer duty was the biggest surprise of his + life.</p> + + <p><i>Tuesday, July 6th.</i>—The <font class="sc">Lord + Chancellor's</font> request for leave of absence in order that he might + attend the Spa Conference was granted. Lord <font + class="sc">Crewe's</font> remark, that it was "a matter of regret that + the Government had to depend upon the noble and learned lord for legal + assistance," might perhaps have been less ambiguously worded. At any rate + Lord <font class="sc">Birkenhead</font> thought it necessary to allay any + possible apprehensions by adding that he would be accompanied by the + <font class="sc">Attorney-General</font>.</p> + + <p>The gist of Mr. <font class="sc">Churchill's</font> comprehensive + reply to allegations of waste at Chilwell was that there were not enough + sheds to cover all the stores, and that to build additional accommodation + would cost more than it would save. There was a pleasant Hibernian + flavour about his admission that the goods, "if they remained in their + present condition, would, of course, deteriorate."</p> + + <p>Who says that D.O.R.A. has outlived her usefulness? The <font + class="sc">Home Secretary</font> announced that the sale of chocolates in + theatres is still <i>verboten</i>, so the frugal swain, whose "best girl" + has a healthy appetite, may breathe again.</p> + +<br clear="all" /> + + <div class="figright" style="width:33%;"> + <a href="images/034-1.png"><img width="100%" src="images/034-1.png" + alt="DAVID COPPERFIELD UP TO DATE." /></a> + DAVID COPPERFIELD UP TO DATE. + + <p><i>Mr. Clynes.</i> "<font class="sc">Look here—if the price of + ale keeps on going up like this I'll have to speak to Austen + Chamberlain about it</font>."</p> + </div> + <p>Mr. <font class="sc">Clynes</font>, usually so cautious, was in a + reckless mood. First he tried to move the adjournment over the <font + class="sc">Golovin</font> revelations, and was informed by the <font + class="sc">Speaker</font> that a report of doubtful authenticity, + relating to events that happened over a year ago, could hardly be + described as either "urgent" or "definite."</p> + + <p>Next, on the Finance Bill, he shocked his temperance colleagues by + boldly demanding cheaper beer. But, although he received the powerful + support of Admiral Sir R. <font class="sc">Hall</font>, he failed to + soften the heart of the <font class="sc">Chancellor</font>, who declared + that he must have his increased revenue, and that the beer-drinker must + pay his share of it.</p> + + <p>Mr. <font class="sc">Chamberlain</font> turned a more sympathetic ear + to the bark of another sea-dog, Admiral <font class="sc">Adair</font>, + who sought a reduction of the tax on champagne, and mentioned the + horrifying fact that even City Companies were abandoning its consumption. + He received the unexpected support of Lieutenant-Commander <font + class="sc">Kenworthy</font>, who declared that Yorkshire miners always + had a bottle after their day's work and denounced an impost that would + rob a poor man of his "boy." Eventually the <font + class="sc">Chancellor</font> agreed to reduce the new <i>ad valorem</i> + duty by a third. He might have made the same reduction in the case of + cigars but for the declaration of a Labour <span class="pagenum"><a + name="page34" id="page34"></a>[pg 34]</span> Member that this was + becoming "a rich man's Budget from top to bottom."</p> + + <p><i>Wednesday, July 7th.</i>—Never was Lord Haldane's power of + clear thinking employed to better advantage than in his lucid exposition + of the Duplicands and Feu-duties (Scotland) Bill. I would not like to + assert positively that all the Peers present fully grasped the momentous + fact that a duplicand was a "casualty" and might be sometimes twice the + feu-duty and sometimes three times that amount; but they understood + enough to agree that it was a very fearful wild-fowl and ought to be + restrained by law.</p> + + <p>After this piquant <i>hors-d'œuvre</i> they settled down to a + solid joint of national finance, laid before them by Lord <font + class="sc">Midleton</font>. I am afraid they would have found it rather + indigestible but for the sauce provided by Lord <font + class="sc">Inchcape</font>, who was positively skittish in his comments + upon the extravagance of the Government, and on one occasion even + indulged in a pun. In his view the Ministry of Transport was an entirely + superfluous creation, solely arising out of the supposed necessity of + finding a new job for Sir <font class="sc">Eric Geddes</font>. I suppose + the <font class="sc">Prime Minister</font> said, "Here's a square peg, + look you; let us dig a hole round it."</p> + + <p>The <font class="sc">Lord Chancellor's</font> reply was vigorous but + not altogether convincing. His description of the Government as a body of + harassed and anxious economists did not altogether tally with his + subsequent picture of the <font class="sc">Chancellor of the + Exchequer</font> "always resisting proposals for expenditure made by his + colleagues in the Cabinet." Despite his eloquence the Peers passed Lord + <font class="sc">Midleton's</font> motion by 95 votes to 23.</p> + + <p>The Commons made good progress with the Finance Bill, though there was + a good deal of justifiable criticism of its phraseology. The <font + class="sc">Secretary of the Treasury</font> admitted that there was one + clause of which he did not understand a word, but wisely refused to + specify it. Colonel <font class="sc">Wedgwood</font> advanced the + remarkable proposition that "the workers in the long run pay all the + taxes," but did not jump at Captain <font class="sc">Elliott's</font> + suggestion that in that case it would save trouble if the <font + class="sc">Chancellor</font> were to levy all the taxes on the working + classes direct. When asked to extend further relief to charities Mr. + <font class="sc">Chamberlain</font> sought a definition of "charity." + Would it apply, for example, to "the association of a small number of + gentlemen in distress obeying the law of self-preservation in the face of + world-forces which threaten to sweep them out of existence"? I seem to + hear <i>Mr. Wilkins Micawber</i> reply, "The answer is in the + affirmative."</p> + + <p><i>Thursday, July 8th.</i>—In the absence of the <font + class="sc">Lord Chancellor</font> the Gas Regulation Bill was entrusted + to the <font class="sc">Under-Secretary for Air</font>. The mingling of + gas and air has before now been known to produce an explosion, but on + this occasion Lord <font class="sc">Londonderry</font> so deftly handled + his material that not a single Peer objected to the Second Reading.</p> + + <p>The proceedings in the Lower House were much more lively. Mr. <font + class="sc">Stanton</font> threatened that there would be a general strike + of Members of Parliament unless their salaries were increased; but Mr. + <font class="sc">Bonar Law</font> seemed to be more amused than alarmed + at the prospect. The <font class="sc">Chancellor of the Exchequer</font> + was asked point-blank whether he was satisfied with the reduction in the + bureaucracy during the last six months, and replied that he was not, and + had therefore appointed Committees to investigate the staffs in seven of + the Departments. The number is unfortunately suggestive.</p> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>"If seven maids with seven mops</p> + <p class="i2">Swept it for half a year,</p> + <p>Do you suppose," the Walrus said,</p> + <p class="i2">"That they could get it clear?"</p> + </div> + </div> + +<br clear="all" /> + + <div class="figright" style="width:33%;"> + <a href="images/034-2.png"><img width="100%" src="images/034-2.png" + alt="MR. MONTAGU S'EXCUSE." /></a> + MR. MONTAGU S'EXCUSE. + </div> + <p>And we know what the Carpenter replied.</p> + + <p>If an unnecessary amount of heat was engendered by the debate on + General <font class="sc">Dyer's</font> case the fault must be partly + attributed to the <font class="sc">Indian Secretary's</font> opening + speech. "Come, Montagu, for thou art early up" is a line from one of the + most poignant scenes in <font class="sc">Shakspeare</font>; but early + rising, at Westminster as elsewhere, is not always conducive to good + temper.</p> + + <p>Members who thought with Sir <font class="sc">Edward Carson</font> + that General <font class="sc">Dyer</font> had not been fairly treated + resented Mr. <font class="sc">Montagu's</font> insinuation that in that + case they were condoning "frightfulness." Mr. <font + class="sc">Churchill</font> was more judicious, and Mr. <font + class="sc">Bonar Law</font> did his level best to keep his followers in + the Government Lobby. But Sir <font class="sc">A. Hunter-Weston's</font> + reminder that by the instructions issued by the civil authority to + General <font class="sc">Dyer</font> he was ordered "to use all force + necessary. No gathering of persons nor procession of any sort will be + allowed. All gatherings will be fired on," confirmed them in the view + that the <font class="sc">General</font> was being made a scape-goat. No + fewer than 129 voted against the Government, whose majority would have + been very minute but for the assistance of its usual foes, the "Wee + Frees" and Labourites.</p> + +<hr /> + + <blockquote> + <p>"Keble's own future should be all the more secure in a University in + which there is not only complete religious intolerance but complete + religious equality."—<i>Local Paper.</i></p> + + </blockquote> + <p>Poor old Oxford! Still "the home of lost causes" apparently.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + + <blockquote> + <p>"Few stories of London origin are more familiar than that of the cabby + who, regarding his day off as one of his indisputable rights, spent it + each week in riding about the City with a fellow cabby in order to keep + him company."—<i>Sunday Paper.</i></p> + + </blockquote> + <p>That's why they called him a busman and his holiday a busman's + holiday.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + + <blockquote> + <p>"Do you remember the sad fate of a certain distinguished hostess who + found herself at midnight left with only a few hogs and elderly men to + entertain her pretty girl guests, and the sudden epidemic of rents that + necessitated a rush to the cloakroom for mending."—<i>Evening + Paper.</i></p> + + </blockquote> + <p>The ripping property of tusks is well known.</p> + +<hr /> + +<span class="pagenum"><a name="page35" id="page35"></a>[pg 35]</span> + + <div class="figcenter" style="width:100%;"> + <a href="images/035.png"><img width="100%" src="images/035.png" + alt="THE WOMAN-HATER." /></a> + <h3>THE WOMAN-HATER.</h3> + </div> +<hr /> + +<h3>FAR-EASTERN ENGLISH.</h3> + + <p>A returning circumnavigator reports that the passengers on the + boat—a Japanese liner—coming from Yokohama to Honolulu were + apprised of the fact that they were to have two Thursdays, one + immediately following the other (and you can have no notion how long a + second Thursday can be), owing to the crossing of the imaginary but very + boring line which divides the two hemispheres. The official notice came + from the captain's own hand. The ship had an American purser and an + American chief steward, and there were many English on board, but the + gallant little commander preferred to tackle the linguistic problem + unaided. On Wednesday, therefore, the board had this announcement pinned + to it:—"As she will be crossed the meridian of 180 to-morrow, so + to-morrow again." Could, after the first blow, anything be clearer?</p> + + <p>Meanwhile from Siam come the glad tidings that the British residents + in Bangkok are to have a new paper. That the editorial promises are rich + the following extracts sufficiently prove:—</p> + + <p>"The news of English we tell the latest, writ in perfect style and + earliest. Do a murder get commit, we hear and tell of it. Do a mighty + chief die, we publish it in borders of sombre. Staff has each one been + college and writes like the Kipling and the Dickens. We circulate every + town and extortionate not for advertisements. Buy it."</p> + +<hr /> + +<h4>Rather a Tall Order.</h4> + + <blockquote> +<p class="center">"<font class="sc">For Sale.</font></p> + + <p>Grey flannel suit made by English tailor in January last, unworn Rs. + 50; chest 39, height 8ft. 5 inches."—<i>Indian Paper.</i></p> + + </blockquote> +<hr class="short" /> + + <blockquote> + <p>"Small (Elephant) Pram, as new, extending back, 6 gns."—<i>Local + Paper.</i></p> + + </blockquote> + <p>Thanks; but we always take our elephant in the side-car.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + + <blockquote> + <p>"Samuel Johnson, who had pleaded guilty yesterday to stealing a + wallet, was sentenced to three months' hard labour."—<i>Evening + Paper.</i></p> + + </blockquote> + <p>When he comes out (if there is any truth in <font + class="sc">Boswell</font>) he will make a pun.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p class="i8"><b>Vers Libre.</b></p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>There was an old man of Dunoon</p> + <p>Who always ate soup with a fork;</p> + <p class="i2">For he said, "As I eat</p> + <p class="i2">Neither fish, fowl or flesh</p> + <p>I should finish my dinner too quick."</p> + </div> + </div> + +<hr class="short" /> + + <blockquote> + <p>"It is as well to note that during dry weather it is always advisable + to pass the watering-can along the rows of plants in order to moisten the + soil."—<i>Daily Paper.</i></p> + + </blockquote> + <p>This means, we think, "Water the garden."</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + + <blockquote> + <p>"The City views with the gravest concern the existence of places like + Didcot."—<i>Daily Paper.</i></p> + + </blockquote> + <p>There is reason to believe that Didcot entertains precisely similar + feelings in regard to the City.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + +<h4>Commercial Candour.</h4> + + <blockquote> + <p>"For Lightweight Motor Cycles there is no alternative to the + —— <font class="sc">Magneto</font>. Maximum Weight. Minimum + Performance."—<i>Trade Paper.</i></p> + + </blockquote> + <blockquote> + <p>"Reason and instinct dictate the smoking of a cigarette that will give + the minimum of pleasure at a moderate cost."—<i>Advt. in Evening + Paper.</i></p> + + </blockquote> +<hr /> + +<span class="pagenum"><a name="page36" id="page36"></a>[pg 36]</span> + +<h2>OUR PASTORAL.</h2> + + <p>"Hulloa, Melhuish," I said, "after all you had ideal weather for your + <i>Midsummer Night's Dream</i> yesterday."</p> + + <p>"Ideal," said Melhuish moodily.</p> + + <p>"Really, if you'd picked the day it couldn't have been better. You + want peculiar atmospheric conditions for a pastoral, don't you? Just + enough sun, not too much wind, temperature congenial for sitting + out-of-doors. You had 'em all."</p> + + <p>Melhuish nodded.</p> + + <p>"Your garden must be looking like fairyland too now with the roses out + and the trees in all their full summer greenery."</p> + + <p>He nodded again.</p> + + <p>"What a setting for the <i>Dream</i>! It drew a crowd, of course?"</p> + + <p>"Yes, we drew the county."</p> + + <p>I sighed regretfully. "How I wish I hadn't funked it, but with my + lumbago I never dare risk damp grass and it looked so awfully like rain + in the morning."</p> + + <p>Melhuish suddenly got excited. "<i>Looked</i> like rain!" he said + violently. "It <i>did</i> rain. It rained several drops. I never saw such + drops, as big as saucers. Perhaps you didn't hear the thunder?"</p> + + <p>"My dear bean," I said, "it was the thunder which put me off coming to + see you as <i>Bottom</i> and Mrs. Melhuish as <i>Titania</i> in the most + idyllic surroundings I can imagine."</p> + + <p>"You wouldn't have seen us in any idyllic surroundings," said + Melhuish. He had relapsed into moodiness again. I could see there was + something serious.</p> + + <p>"What happened, old friend?" I said gently.</p> + + <p>"We began rehearsing during that glorious spell of sunshine in the + spring, when the garden was a carpet of daffodils and it was a sheer joy + to play about out-of-doors. Then the weather broke for a time and we + migrated to the Parish Hall. You know our Parish Hall?"</p> + + <p>"Quite well. A little tin place on the left from the rectory."</p> + + <p>"That's it. It's got a platform on trestles at one end and a paraffin + lamp in the middle. The Vicar placed it at our disposal when there wasn't + a Women's Institute or a choir practice, and on chilly nights he had the + 'Beatrice stove' lit for us. Then the Summer began in real earnest. We + got in extra gardeners, worked like niggers ourselves, and when the turf + was in perfect condition and the thyme was coming up on <i>Titania's</i> + bank we fixed the date and billed the county.</p> + + <p>"After that we all got nervous and went about consulting weather + forecasts. <i>Old Moore</i> prophesied heavy rains. The <i>Daily Mail</i> + said a cyclone from New York was on the way. The weather-glasses jumped + about and seemed to know their own minds even less than usual. Three days + before the date thunderstorms were reported all over the country and a + fowl was struck by lightning. But not a drop of rain came to our + village.</p> + + <p>"At the dress-rehearsal the night before the performance we debated + the weather prospects until the moon rose. <i>Lysander</i> said his bit + of seaweed which he brought from Bognor was as dry as parched peas and he + would back it against any fool barometer. Cocklewhite, our prompter, said + he didn't want to depress the company, but he had a leech in a bottle of + water which rose for fine weather and sank for wet, and he was bound to + tell us it was like lead at the bottom at the present moment. + <i>Hermia</i> pointed to the heavens, 'Red sky at night shepherds' + delight,' she quoted. There was no getting away from the swallows; they + were nose-diving to a bird. 'Hang swallows,' <i>Oberon</i> said; 'put + your trust in mosquitoes. Look at my eyelid.'</p> + + <p>"'It's no good talking,' <i>Theseus</i> said; 'nobody can tell until + the morning, and then it'll be up to <i>Bottom</i> to decide by 11.30 + whether it's to be indoors or out. He's our stage-manager and we know his + arrangements in case of rain. They're the only arrangements possible in + our little village, and it's going to be a nightmare instead of a dream + if they have to be carried out. But we can depend upon <i>Bottom</i> to + make a wise decision. He'll notify us and the boy-scouts will notify the + audience. All we've got to do is not to grouse.'</p> + + <p>"Cocklewhite said he would phone me the position of his leech at 9 + <font class="sc">a.m.</font>, and <i>Lysander</i> promised to report any + change in the condition of the seaweed. I set our glass and + <i>Titania</i> and I got up at half-hour intervals during the night and + tapped it. It refused to budge either way.</p> + + <p>"At dawn <i>Titania</i> looked out of the window and gave a wild cry. + 'Red sky in the morning shepherds' warning,' she wailed. At breakfast + Cocklewhite phoned that his leech was dead, and he had strong suspicions + it had died from atmospheric pressure. Almost at the same moment + <i>Lysander</i> sent word that his seaweed had gone clammy during the + night. Half-an-hour later came a clap of thunder and the drops of rain I + mentioned. I needn't go on. You can guess the rest."</p> + + <p>Melhuish paused.</p> + + <p>"But the performance came off, didn't it?" I said.</p> + + <p>"Yes, in the Parish Hall. It was a perfect day for a pastoral."</p> + +<hr /> + + <div class="figcenter" style="width:50%;"> + <a href="images/036.png"><img width="100%" src="images/036.png" + alt="I want you to paint me with a book in my 'and." /></a> + <p><i>Profiteer.</i> "<font class="sc">I want you to paint me with a + book in my 'and and my valet standin' unobtrusively in the background + in case I might wish to call 'im</font>."</p> + </div> +<hr /> + +<h4>A Clean Hitter.</h4> + + <blockquote> + <p>"J. —— carried his bath through the + innings."—<i>Scotch Paper.</i></p> + + </blockquote> +<hr class="short" /> + + <blockquote> + <p>"Fishing near the bridge on Monday a schoolboy caught a chub with + artificial fly weighing 2lbs. 15ozs."—<i>Local Paper.</i></p> + + </blockquote> + <p>It is supposed that the unfortunate fish was struck on the head and + stunned.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + + <blockquote> + <p>"After long delays a new Polish Cabinet has been formed under Mr. + Grabski. He would annex much Russian territory outright."—<i>Weekly + Paper.</i></p> + + </blockquote> + <p><i>Pace</i> <font class="sc">Shakspeare</font>, there would seem to be + something in a name.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + +<p class="center">"<font class="sc">That Queer Fish the Salmon</font>.</p> + + <blockquote> + <p>Some fish are 'takers,' some are not, but most salmon can be worried + into talking."—<i>Daily Paper.</i></p> + + </blockquote> + <p>Whereas most fishermen chatter of their own accord.</p> + +<hr /> + +<span class="pagenum"><a name="page37" id="page37"></a>[pg 37]</span> + + <div class="figcenter" style="width:100%;"> + <a href="images/037.png"><img width="100%" src="images/037.png" + alt="Wind gettin' up nicely." /></a> + <i>Fair Skipper.</i> <font class="sc">"Wind gettin' up nicely— + what?"</font> + </div> +<hr /> + +<h2>HARDING AND COX.</h2> + +<p class="center">(<i>Being an inquiry into the two Candidates for the +Presidency of the United States of America.</i>)</p> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>I wish I knew some facts regarding</p> + <p>The private life of Mr. <font class="sc">Harding</font>;</p> + <p class="i2">I wish that I had simply stocks</p> + <p class="i2">Of anecdotes of Mr. <font class="sc">Cox</font>.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>In U.S.A. (where both are resident</p> + <p>And each one hoping to be President)</p> + <p class="i2">Their favourite hymns, their size in boots,</p> + <p class="i2">Their views on liquor and cheroots</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Are known to all; not <font class="sc">Julius Cćsar</font></p> + <p>Is quite so much renowned as these are.</p> + <p class="i2">In England, where they do not dwell,</p> + <p class="i2">No one appears to know them well.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>One cannot say if <font class="sc">Cox's</font> liver</p> + <p>Keeps well upon the Swanee River,</p> + <p class="i2">Nor whether <font class="sc">Harding</font> finds, when glum,</p> + <p class="i2">Any relief in chewing gum.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>It may be that they both have good rows</p> + <p>Of dental ornaments like <font class="sc">Woodrow's</font>,</p> + <p class="i2">The waist of <font class="sc">Taft</font>, the <font class="sc">Roosevelt</font> eye</p> + <p class="i2">For pinking hippopotami.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>It may be <font class="sc">Harding</font> had some flickers</p> + <p>Of <font class="sc">Cleveland's</font> spirit whilst in knickers,</p> + <p class="i2">And <font class="sc">Cox</font> while yet a puling babe</p> + <p class="i2">Dreamed tiny dreams of <font class="sc">Lincoln (Abe)</font>;</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>And both, although they knew they'd catch it,</p> + <p>Cut fruit-trees with a little hatchet;</p> + <p class="i2">Both may have been, when glorious youths,</p> + <p class="i2">Too proud to fight or tell untruths.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>I cannot say. I know they wrangle</p> + <p>On points I dare not disentangle,</p> + <p class="i2">That one of them's a Democrat</p> + <p class="i2">And t' other's not. And that is that.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p class="i16"><font class="sc">Evoe.</font></p> + </div> + </div> + +<hr /> + +<h3>GEE!</h3> + + <p>On the upper floors of a shop in the Strand, between Wellington Street + and the Savoy, is a well-known maker of fowling-pieces, who gave me a + terrible start the other day; and probably not me alone, but many + passers-by who chanced to look upwards at his windows. For he is at the + moment advertising the most undesirable article in the world, a commodity + for which I can conceive of no demand whatever. Yet there—the + result of the caprice of adhesive cement or the desire of one letter of + the alphabet to get level with its neighbour and be dropped too—the + amazing notice is, in conspicuous white enamel:—</p> + +<p class="center">SECOND HAND<br /> +UNS.</p> + +<hr /> + +<h4>The Domestic Problem Solved.</h4> + + <blockquote> + <p>"A Lady wishes to meet with a gentleman or lady to share her home as + sole paying guest; one with a hobby for gardening preferred; every home + comfort; terms, Ł300 per annum."—<i>Sunday Paper.</i></p> + + </blockquote> + <p>We are desirous of entertaining, on the same terms, a lady (or + gentleman) with a <i>penchant</i> for cooking and washing-up.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + + <blockquote> + <p>"The Hindus and Mahomedans are the two eyes of India, but have long + been engaged in a tug-of-war. On account of this cleavage both have + suffered, but now the wall of separation is broken down, and they are + coming together like sugar and milk, the bitter feelings between them + having been pulled out like a thorn. They are advised to give up biting + each other for the future."—<i>Indian Paper.</i></p> + + </blockquote> + <p>Or our contemporary will have exhausted its stock of metaphors.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + +<span class="pagenum"><a name="page38" id="page38"></a>[pg 38]</span> + +<h3>A STORY ABOUT A CLOCK.</h3> + + <p>Our move-in took place in no furtive or clandestine fashion; our + installation of ourselves in our semi-detached was performed well under + the eye of the neighbouring public. Our furniture waited on the public + thoroughfare until our new home was ready to receive it. Small children + played games on our sofa; enthusiastic acquaintances played tunes on our + piano. In a word, our move-in was a local festival; everyone took part. + This is the sad tale of the man who took the most expensive + part—the clock.</p> + + <p>If the hard choice had been put to Diana, my wife, to say which she + could least sorrowfully part with, me or the clock, the clock would have + stayed. If I had been put to the same dismal alternative as to Diana or + the clock, Diana would have gone. In fact, directly the clock was safely + in Diana had gone out. That was all she cared about; small children might + play on the sofa, enthusiastic acquaintances might play on the piano, and + I might toil unremittingly with everything else, for all Diana cared. So, + the clock being in, out she went upon her lawful or unlawful purposes. As + she departed she said something about my seeing to the clock. I + remembered that later on, but I remembered it wrong. This is how I did + it.</p> + + <p>The man sat a little on my own special chair (at that time on the + pavement) before he came in. I asked him what he was sitting there for. + He got up and came inside. Then I asked him what he had come in for, and + he said, "The clock." I looked at the clock and it had stopped. I gave it + a shake, and it still stopped. He said it was no good shaking it; that + only annoyed it. He said he had come to look after it. He then took off + his hat and his coat, moved the fingers about, put his ears to it to hear + its heart beating, and asked me what I had been doing to it. I said I + hadn't been doing anything to it; he watched me doing things to + everything else, and adopted an expression as if to say he didn't believe + me. He gave me the feeling that I was a very interfering person, and that + he didn't want to have anything more to do with me. He said he should + have to take the clock away. I asked him when he would bring it back. He + said he didn't know. He appeared to take a pessimistic view of it. I + asked him cheerfully if he would <i>ever</i> bring it back. He gave me a + contemptuous look and, without another word, went, taking the clock with + him.</p> + + <p>When Diana came back she asked where the clock was. I said it had + gone. "Gone where?" asked Diana. I said I didn't know; the man had taken + it. "What man?" asked Diana. I was trying to move the sofa at the moment + and I was inclined to be short-spoken. I said that the man who had taken + it was, no doubt, the man whom Diana had gone forth to find and bid take + away our clock. Diana said that, if the man had said that she had said + that he might take our clock away, the man was a liar. <i>Had</i> the man + said that she had said he might take the clock away? The answer was in + the negative.</p> + + <p>Then the truth emerged. The man had stolen our clock. I had assisted + the man to steal our clock, helping him to lift it off its perch and + handing him his bowler hat as he left.</p> + + <p>It all sounds incredible, doesn't it? But you will admit, I am sure, + that it is a thing which could quite easily happen to anyone. Isn't + it?</p> + + <p>To be quite frank, I have improved the story a bit. The clock wasn't + really stolen.</p> + + <p>Was the man really taking it away to repair it? No; to tell you the + truth he didn't actually take it away at all. In fact, I might as well + own that no man ever came into the house while I was shifting the + furniture in from the street. And, if you want to know, I never had a + clock ... nor a wife ... nor a house.</p> + + <p>The mere fact of my pretending that there <i>are</i> such things as + semi-detacheds for people to move into these days ought to have put you + wise from the start that the whole tale was a fabrication.</p> + +<hr /> + +<h3>CURES WORTH MAKING.</h3> + +<p class="center">(<i>By our Medical Expert.</i>)</p> + + <p><i>The Times</i>, in its daily summary of "News in Advertisements" + recently called attention to the appeal of an invalided officer who "will + be glad to give a hundred pounds to any doctor, nerve specialist or + hospital that can cure him of occupation neurosis and writer's cramp." A + careful study of other newspapers shows that offers of handsome + remuneration for cures are not confined to those who have suffered from + the War, but are made by civilians and officials of the highest position + in public life. We append a few outstanding examples of the splendid + opportunities now provided to psycho-pathological specialists:—</p> + + <p>A Cabinet Minister of massive physique, perfect self-confidence and + immovable determination, who has had varied experience in different + business callings and (up to a certain point) unvarying success, offers + five thousand pounds to any professor of deportment or member of the Old + Nobility in reduced circumstances who will impart to him suavity of + manner, tact and diplomatic courtesy, the lack of which constitutes the + sole obstacle to his achieving immortality. If the instructor can succeed + in making him (the Cabinet Minister) really beloved the honorarium will + be doubled.</p> + + <p>An Editor of thirty years' experience as a journalist, first-rate + linguist, deeply versed in geography, Central European politics, etc., + will give five hundred pounds to any mental specialist, registered or + unregistered, who will cure him of an irresistible temptation on all + occasions, with or without provocation, to utilise every incident, + occurrence, calamity or disaster as a means of assailing and undermining + the position of the Coalition Government in general and the <font + class="sc">Prime Minister</font> in particular.</p> + + <p>A Member of Parliament, formerly attached to one of His Majesty's + services, is prepared to offer fifty pounds to any phrenologist who + without inflicting undue pain will reduce or remove the Bump of Curiosity + which at present impels him without rhyme or reason to bombard Ministers + with irrelevant questions contrary to the public interest and calculated + to produce the maximum amount of irritation even amongst Members who sit + on the same side of the House.</p> + + <p>A Peer of great wealth, striking physiognomy, affectionate disposition + and wonderful general knowledge will pay the sum of twenty thousand + pounds to any psychiatric practitioner who succeeds in eliminating from + his system the microbe of filmolatry, the ravages of which have latterly + threatened to infect his monumental mind with histrionic monomania highly + deleterious to the best interests of the community.</p> + + <p>A neo-Georgian poet, disciple of <font class="sc">Freud</font>, + pacificist and vegetarian, will gladly pay five pounds to any + psychopathic suggestionist who will extirpate from his subconsciousness + the lingering relics of an antipathy to syncopated rhythms which retard + his progress towards a complete mastery of the technique of amorphous + bombination.</p> + +<hr /> + +<h4>Another "Substitute."</h4> + + <blockquote> + <p>"For the first time on record snow has fallen at Albany, Western + Australia.</p> + + <p>The Food Ministry announces that this surplus will therefore be + available for home jam-making."—<i>Provincial Paper.</i></p> + + </blockquote> +<hr class="short" /> + + <blockquote> + <p>"The Roman poets, all of them inveterate Cockneys, talk of the joys of + the country, of purling streams and lowing kine and frisking + lamps."—<i>Weekly Paper.</i></p> + + </blockquote> + <p>And their verses occasionally smell of them.</p> + +<hr /> + +<span class="pagenum"><a name="page39" id="page39"></a>[pg 39]</span> + + <div class="figcenter" style="width:100%;"> + <a href="images/039.png"><img width="100%" src="images/039.png" + alt="The early worm." /></a> + <p><i>Prospective Mistress.</i> "<font class="sc">Are you a + consistently early riser?</font>"</p> + + <p><i>Maid.</i> "<font class="sc">Not arf! Why, Mum, in my last place + the master's pet name for me was 'the early worm.'</font>"</p> + </div> +<hr /> + +<h2>OUR BOOKING-OFFICE.</h2> + +<p class="center">(<i>By Mr. Punch's Staff of Learned Clerks.</i>)</p> + + <p><i>Rescue</i> (<font class="sc">Dent</font>) is a story in the + authentic manner of Mr. <font class="sc">Joseph Conrad</font> at his + unapproachable best. If it is true, as one has heard, that the book was + begun twenty-five years ago and resumed lately, this explains but does + nothing to minimize a fact upon which we can all congratulate ourselves. + The setting is the shallow seas of the Malay coast, where <i>Lingard</i>, + an adventurer (most typically <font class="sc">Conrad</font>) whose + passion in life is love for his brig, has pledged himself to aid an + exiled young Rajah in the recovery of his rights. At the last moment + however, when his plans are at point of action, the whole scheme is + thwarted by the stranding of a private yacht containing certain persons + whose rescue (complicated by his sudden subjection to the woman of the + party) eventually involves <i>Lingard</i> in the loss of fortune and + credit. Perhaps you can suppose what Mr. <font class="sc">Conrad</font> + makes of a theme so congenial; how the tale moves under his hand in what + was once well called that "smoky magnificence" of atmosphere, just + permitting the reader to observe at any moment so much and no more of its + direction. Of the style it would now be superfluous to speak. It has been + given to Mr. <font class="sc">Conrad</font>, working in what is + originally a foreign medium, to use it with a dignity unsurpassed by any + of our native craftsmen. Such phrases as (of the prudent mate + remonstrating with <i>Lingard</i>): "What he really wanted was to have + his existence left intact, for his own cherishing and pride;" or again, + "The situation was too complicated to be entrusted to a cynical or + shameless hope," give one the quick pleasure of words so delicately and + deftly used as to seem newly coined. <i>Rescue</i>, in short, is probably + the greatest novel of the year, one by which its author has again + enriched our literature with work of profound and moving quality.</p> + +<hr /> + + <p>I was inclined to flatter myself that nothing in the plot of <i>The + Silver Tea-shop</i> (<font class="sc">Stanley Paul</font>) could possibly + take me by surprise, but I found towards the end that Miss <font + class="sc">E. Everett Green</font> had contrived to slip in the real + villain all unsuspected while I, as she meant me to, was staring hard at + the supposed one, so that there I must acknowledge myself defeated. With + a stolen invention, an old gentleman found shot in his room, and a son + under a vow to avenge his father, the story provides plenty of thrills, + and the "Silver Tea-shop" itself has the fascination that business + ventures in books often exercise. It seems to be run on such lavish lines + for the prices charged that I found myself looking hungrily for its + address. I wish the author had not referred to her hero as having "mobile + digits" and burdened her ingenuous story with anything so important as a + prologue. By making the villain's deserted offspring not one baby girl + only, or even twins, but triplets, Miss <font class="sc">Everett + Green</font> provides waitresses all of one family for the "Silver + Tea-shop," and that, though a happy arrangement, is a little too uncommon + to add to the likelihood of an unconvincing tale.</p> + +<hr /> + + <p>When a book is succinctly labelled <i>Love Stories</i> (<font + class="sc">Doran</font>), at least no one has any right to complain that + he wasn't warned beforehand of the character of its contents. As a matter + of fact, human nature being what it is, I have little doubt that Mrs. + <font class="sc">Mary Roberts Rinehart</font> has hit upon a distinctly + profitable title. Indeed I believe that this has already been proved in + the Land of Freedom, from which the work comes to us, where (I am given + to understand) the vogue of sentimental fiction is even greater than with + ourselves. <span class="pagenum"><a name="page40" id="page40"></a>[pg + 40]</span> What the name does nothing to indicate is that the stories are + almost all of them laid in or about hospital wards. For some, perhaps + most, of the author's admirers this may serve only to increase the charm; + for others, who prefer their romance unflavoured with iodoform, not. + Undeniable that she has a smiling way with her, and a gift of sympathetic + enjoyment that carries off the old, old dialogues, even imparting + freshness to the tale of the patient <i>in extremis</i> who persuades his + attractive nurse into a death-bed marriage, treatment that the slightest + experience of fiction should have warned her to be invariably curative. + Perhaps the best of the tales is "Jane," which tells very amusingly the + results of a hospital strike that in actual life would, I imagine, have + provided little humorous relief. By this time you may have gathered that + what matters about Mrs. <font class="sc">Rinehart</font> is not what she + says but the way that she says it; upon which hint you can act as fancy + dictates.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + + <p>I very distinctly feel that "<font class="sc">Katharine Tynan</font>" + could have made a first-rate novel of <i>Denys the Dreamer</i> (<font + class="sc">Collins</font>) and have had plenty over for a good second if + she had taken the trouble. But her fluent pen runs away with her down + paths that lead nowhere in particular, instead of developing her main + characters and situations to an intelligible and satisfactory point. + <i>Denys</i> is of a gentle Irish family that has come down to very small + farming. He dreams good, solid and rather Anglo-Saxon dreams of draining + bogs on the sea-coast estates of <i>Lord Leenane</i>, whose agent he + becomes (and whose daughter he loves from afar), and of a great port that + is to rival Belfast. Unexpected, not to say incredible, assistance comes + from a Jew money-lender and his wife. The portraits of <i>Mr.</i> and + <i>Mrs. Aarons</i> are the best things in the book, and I hope Mrs. <font + class="sc">Hinkson</font> will make a novel about these two admirable + people some day soon. <i>Denys</i> makes his own and his patron's fortune + and I am sure lives happily ever after with <i>Dawn</i>, who is the + palest wraith of a girl, owing to the shameful neglect of her author, who + is too busy putting large sums of money into the pockets of the principal + puppets. Indeed, for a West Coast of Ireland story a demoralising amount + of money is going about.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + + <p>The principal scenes of <i>The North Door</i> (<font + class="sc">Constable</font>) are laid in the Cornwall of some + hundred-and-thirty years ago, and I welcome Dr. <font class="sc">Greville + Macdonald</font> as an expert in the Cornish language and character. + Cornwall, as all readers of fiction know, has during the last few years + been attacked again and again by novelists, and most of them would do + well to study Dr. <font class="sc">Macdonald's</font> romance and most + thoroughly to digest it. In form, however, he will have little to teach + them, for his book is very indifferently constructed. It may seem + ungrateful in these rather skimpy days to complain of a surfeit of + matter, but there is stuff in this book for two if not three novels. One + cannot blame Dr. <font class="sc">Macdonald</font> for his indignation at + the miseries of child-labour, but here it is perhaps out of place. His + <i>Mr. Trevenna</i>, the mystical parson, friend of smugglers and of + everyone who suffered from laws (unrighteous or righteous), is a great + figure; and I shall not soon forget either his correspondence with + <i>Lady Evangeline Walrond</i> or his superhuman kindliness of heart. If + you want to get at the true flavour of Cornwall you have only to open + <i>The North Door</i>.</p> + +<hr /> + + <p>A young clerk in an insurance office, who wanted to go as a missionary + to India, is the hero, if there is one, of Mrs. <font class="sc">Alice + Perrin's</font> latest novel, <i>The Vow of Silence</i> (<font + class="sc">Cassell</font>). I have never read a book about India which + made such an ambition seem more courageous, for it gives such a hot and + thirsty picture of that country when <i>Harold Williams</i> at last + reaches it that it is positively uncomfortable to read it in Summer + weather. <i>Harold</i> and his brother and sister missionaries live in a + state of stuffy discomfort which soon undermines his health and leaves + him no defence against the charms of <i>Elaine Taverner</i>, who has a + large cool drawing-room and dainty frocks, and a young soldier lover and + an old scholar husband, and all the other things we expect of pretty + young women in Anglo-Indian novels. Poor <i>Harold</i>, consumed at once + by a zeal which makes him long to save <i>Elaine's</i> soul and a passion + which makes him embrace a parcel of her <i>lingerie</i>, very naturally + loses the remains of his reason and paves the way for her marriage with + her lover by obligingly pushing the elderly husband into the jaws of a + crocodile. If it were more convincing it would be a painful + story—in some hands it might have been a great one; as it is, Mrs. + <font class="sc">Perrin</font> seems for once to have missed her + opportunity.</p> + +<hr /> + + <p>If the publisher of <i>About It And About</i> had told me on the + wrapper that Mr. <font class="sc">D. Willoughby</font> has an excellent + fund of literary reminiscence, on which he draws for the modelling of a + very pretty epigrammatical style, I should, after reading the book, have + agreed with him heartily. What Mr. <font class="sc">T. Fisher + Unwin</font> does say about these short essays, which embrace most of the + subjects on which people have violent opinions, is that the author's + "point of view is that of the natural historian making an unprejudiced + examination." An unprejudiced man, I take it, is a man whose sentiments + are the same as mine, and I happen to disagree with Mr. <font + class="sc">Willoughby</font> as profoundly as possible on several of the + themes he has chosen. On fox-hunting, for instance, which he considers a + more decadent sport than bull-fighting; and on Ulster, which he attacks + bitterly by comparison with the rest of Ireland, for cherishing + antiquated political animosities and talking about the Battle of the + Boyne. But will Mr. <font class="sc">Willoughby</font> not have been + hearing of "the curse of <font class="sc">Cromwell</font>"? Let us rather + agree to be impatient with Yorkshire for her absurd tranquillity with + regard to <font class="sc">William the First</font>. I repeat that Mr. + <font class="sc">Willoughby</font> has a very clever style, but, bless + his heart, he is as bigoted as I am myself.</p> + +<hr /> + + <div class="figcenter" style="width:50%;"> + <a href="images/040.png"><img width="100%" src="images/040.png" + alt="Entirely self-made." /></a> + <p><i>Occupant of Pew.</i> "<font class="sc">Entirely self-made. + Originally a waiter, as you can see.</font>"</p> + </div> + + + + + + + +<pre> + + + + + +End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. +159, July 14th, 1920, by Various + +*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH *** + +***** This file should be named 16592-h.htm or 16592-h.zip ***** +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: + https://www.gutenberg.org/1/6/5/9/16592/ + +Produced by Jonathan Ingram, Keith Edkins and the Online +Distributed Proofreading Team at https://www.pgdp.net + + +Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions +will be renamed. + +Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no +one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation +(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without +permission and without paying copyright royalties. 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You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 159, July 14th, 1920 + +Author: Various + +Release Date: August 25, 2005 [EBook #16592] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ASCII + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH *** + + + + +Produced by Jonathan Ingram, Keith Edkins and the Online +Distributed Proofreading Team at https://www.pgdp.net + + + + + +PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. + +VOL. 159. + + + +July 14th, 1920. + + + + +CHARIVARIA. + +We understand that it has now been decided that the Ex-Kaiser will travel +to England for his trial by way of the Channel Tunnel. + +* * * + +A new coal war is anticipated by _The Daily Express_. The difficulty is in +knowing where the last coal war ended and this one will begin. + +* * * + +We understand that the Government fixture card is not yet complete and they +still have a few open dates for Peace Conferences (away matches) for medium +teams. + +* * * + +The world's largest blasting-furnace has been opened at Ebbw Vale. It is +expected however that others will flare up immediately the CHANCELLOR'S +proposals go through. + +* * * + +"Militarism has created a dragon whose fangs will never properly be drawn," +announces a writer in a Sunday paper. This charge against MR. WINSTON +CHURCHILL'S dentist is, in our opinion, most unkind. + +* * * + +The report that the Turks had appealed to the Allies to stop the new war in +Asia Minor turns out to be incorrect. What the Turks demand is that the +Allies shall stop the Greek end of it. + +* * * + +"I would like to take a great piece of England back to America as a +souvenir of the happy time I have recently spent there," exclaimed Miss +MARY PICKFORD to a reporter in Belgium. Arrangements, we hear, are now +being hastily made to offer her the whole of Ireland if she will take it +away during this month. + +* * * + +According to a local paper a lawyer living in Birmingham, returning +unexpectedly from the theatre, discovered two burglars at work in his +library. It is reported, however, that the intruders with great presence of +mind immediately retained him for their defence. + +* * * + +Several workhouses in the South of England now possess tennis-courts and +bowling-greens. It is satisfactory to note that preparations are at last +being made to receive the New Poor. + +* * * + +We are glad to learn that the two members of a well-known club in the City +who inadvertently took away their own umbrellas have now agreed to exchange +same, so that the reputation of the club shall not suffer. + +* * * + +A Warwickshire miner summoned for not sending his child to school is +reported to have pleaded that he saw a red triangle danger notice above the +word "school" and therefore kept his daughter away. + +* * * + +"We must have support," said the POSTMASTER-GENERAL last week. We can only +say that we always buy our stamps at one of his post-offices. + +* * * + +A little domestic tragedy was enacted in London last week. It appears that +a small boy, on being offered a penny by his mother, who had just returned +from the winter sales, refused it, saying that he was not allowed to accept +money from strangers. + +* * * + +An official of the New York Y.W.C.A. inquires whether a woman of thirty +years is young. A more fair question would be, "When is a woman thirty +years of age?" + +* * * + +President C.W. ELIOT, of Harvard University, says Britishers drink tea +because it feeds the brain. Our own opinion is that we drink it because we +have tasted our coffee. + +* * * + +So many servant-girls are being enticed from one house to another that +several houses now display the notice, "Visitors are requested to refrain +from stealing the servants." + +* * * + +Under a new Order public-houses will not open until seven in the evening on +Sundays. This seems to be another attempt to discourage early rising on +that day. + +* * * + +Two men have been arrested at Oignies, Pas de Calais, for selling stones as +coal. We fancy we know the coal-dealer from whom they got this wrinkle. + +* * * + +Speaking at Sheffield University last week, Sir ERIC GEDDES said he hoped +to see the day when there would be a degree of Transport. What we're +getting now, we gather, can't really be called Transport at all. + +* * * + +A live mussel measuring six inches has been found inside a codfish at +Newcastle. We expect that if the truth was known the mussel snapped at the +cod-fish and annoyed it. + +* * * + +A soldier arrested at Dover told the police he was _Sydney Carton_, the +hero of _The Tale of Two Cities_. He is supposed to be an impostor. + +* * * + +A market-gardener in Surrey is said to be the double of Mr. WINSTON +CHURCHILL. Since this announcement it is stated that the poor fellow has +been inundated with messages of sympathy. + +* * * + +"The secret of success," says Mr. W. HARRIS, "is hard work." Still, some +people would scorn to take advantage of another man's secret. + +* * * + +Wives, said the Judge of the Clerkenwell County Court recently, are not so +ignorant that they do not know what their husband's earnings are. There is +no doubt, however, that many workmen's wives simply pocket the handful of +bank-notes their husbands fling them on Saturday night without stopping to +count them. + +* * * + +There were no buyers, it is stated, for fifty thousand blankets offered by +the Disposals Board last week. We have all along maintained that, though it +would take time, the Board would wear its adversaries down. + +* * * + +According to an official list recently published the Government employs +over three thousand charwomen. The number is said to be so great that they +have to take it in turns to empty Mr. AUSTEN CHAMBERLAIN'S portfolio. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Showman._ "DON'T GET HIM TOO TAME, PROFESSOR. HE'S GOT TO +GO FIVE ROUNDS WITH THE BOXING KANGAROO WHEN YOU'VE FINISHED."] + + * * * * * + +A CRICKET MANNERISM. + +A writer commented recently in an article in _Punch_ on the advantage to a +cricketer of some harmless mannerism, giving as an instance Mr. P.F. +WARNER'S habit of hitching up the left side of his trousers and patting the +ground seven times with his bat. This homely touch reminded me irresistibly +of Rankin. Not that Rankin resembles Mr. WARNER even remotely in any other +way. But Rankin has a mannerism, one which is fairly harmless, too, as a +general rule. If on one occasion, of which I will tell you, it had +unfortunate results, there was then a combination of circumstances for +which Rankin was not entirely responsible. That much I now feel myself able +to admit. At the time I could see nothing good about Rankin at all. + +Rankin resides in our village of Littleborough, and is by trade what is +known as a jobbing gardener. On Thursdays he is my gardener, on Wednesdays +Mrs. Dobbie's gardener, and so on. On Saturday afternoons he plays cricket. +Or at least he dresses in (among other garments) a pair of tight white +flannel trousers and a waistcoat, and joins the weekly game. + +Recently we met in deadly combat the neighbouring village of Smallwick. +Away into the unchronicled past runs the record of these annual contests. +Each village hints that it has gained the greater number of victories; each +is inclined in its heart to believe that the other one has actually done +so--because, as I suppose, the agony of defeat leaves a more lasting +impression than the joy of victory. But I digress. We have not even got to +Rankin's mannerism yet. + +Rankin's mannerism is the habit of plunging his hands into his trouser +pockets. A very ordinary one, you will say; but not when carried to the +extent to which Rankin carries it. It is useless for Rankin to field at +short slip, for instance. The only time he did so a catch struck him +sharply in the lower chest (and fell to the ground, of course) before he +had time to take his hands out of his pockets. When he is batting he crams +one hand into his pocket between each delivery. As he wears a large batting +glove and his trousers are very tight (as I mentioned before) this is a +matter of some difficulty. In fact we usually attribute the smallness of +his scores to its unsteadying effect. + +How he ever survived five years of military service without being shot for +persistently carrying his hands in his pockets while on parade, to the +detriment of good order and military discipline, I can never understand. +Surely some Brass-hat, inspecting Rankin's regiment, must have noticed that +Rankin's hands were in his pockets when he should have been presenting +arms? I can only presume that they all loved Rankin, and love is blind. +Well, he is quite a good chap. I like him myself. + +We now come to the day of the Smallwick _v._ Littleborough match. + +Smallwick lost the toss and went out to field, and, as one of their players +had not arrived, Rankin went with them as a substitute. + +We lost three wickets for only ten runs, and then I went in. It was one of +my rare cricket days. I felt, I knew, that I should make runs--not much +more than twenty, of course, but then twenty is a big score for +Littleborough. And I felt like twenty at least. + +Rankin was fielding at deep long-on, close to the tent; but they had no one +at square leg, which is my special direction on my twenty days. Presently +the bowler offered me a full pitch on the leg side. I timed it +successfully, and had no doubt of having added four to my score, when, to +my astonishment, I saw a fieldsman running from the direction of the hedge. +The next moment he had brought off a very creditable catch. + +It did not dawn on me at first that this was their eleventh man, arrived at +that moment. When it did, I could not help laughing to think that he should +imagine he could rush in like that while his substitute was still fielding. +Then I heard the bowler appeal to the umpire, and to my horror I heard the +umpire (their umpire) say "Out." + +"But they can't have twelve men fielding," I cried. "The substitute is +still there." + +"You're out, Sir," said the umpire haughtily. "The substitoot has already +retired. 'E's standing there watching the game with 'is 'ands in 'is +pockets." + + * * * * * + +A SELF-STARTER. + + "Born of an Iris moter and a Scots father, in Chicago, U.S.A., Mr. + ----'s ability for the stage developed very early."--_New Zealand + Paper._ + + * * * * * + + "Within the square of spectators were paraded about two thousand Girl + Guides. It delighted the eye to see the companies march with precision + and smartness, while the ear was charmed and the marital spirit stirred + by the music of the pipes and drums."--_Scotch Paper._ + +So _that_'s the idea. + + * * * * * + + "Soon we could make out the Sultan's Palace, from which the tired + 'Hunter of the East' was now unwinding his 'nose of light.'"-- _---- + Magazine._ + +For further details of this remarkable organ see LEAR'S "Dong with the +Luminous Nose." + + * * * * * + +PHILOSOPHERS. + +We are all different, and often our differences are of the widest. Some men +can be knocked prostrate by the most trifling disappointment, while others +can extract comfort or even positive benefit from what looks like complete +disaster--such as the Cambridge youth I met last week, raving about +TURNER'S "Fighting Temeraire." + +"But I didn't know you were interested in pictures," I said. + +"Oh, yes, I've always been, in a way," he replied; "but it wasn't till the +rain ruined the first day of the Varsity match that I ever had a real +chance to get to the National Gallery, and when it came down like blazes +again on Tuesday I went back there. Did you ever see such painting? And the +pathos of it too! And then that frosty morning scene in the same room! Why, +TURNER was too wonderful." + +How some of the other dampened enthusiasts tided over their loss I can only +guess; but this ardent one reminded me of the Shipwrecked Entomologist, and +I placed him on a niche somewhere near that radiant soul. + +And who was he? + +Well, he was the curator of his own department in some Indian museum--I +think at Calcutta--and when the time came for his holiday he took a passage +for Japan on a little tramp steamer. Everything went well until a few hours +out of Shanghai, when a typhoon began to blow with terrific force. The ship +was driven on the coast of Korea, where she set about breaking up, and only +with the greatest difficulty did the passengers and crew get to shore, +bruised and saturated, without anything but their clothes and what their +pockets could hold. Some lives were lost, but my man was saved. + +It was a desolate part, with nothing but the poorest huts for shelter, +dirty and verminous, so that the discomforts of the land were almost equal +to the perils of the sea. + +Naturally, on his return to Calcutta the curator was plied with questions. +How did be feel about it? Wasn't it an awful experience? If ever a man +deserved sympathy it was he. And so forth. But he wouldn't rise. + +"Sympathy?" he said. "Good Heavens! I don't want sympathy. Why, I had the +time of my life. Do you know that during the night in that Korean hovel I +found five absolutely new kinds of bug." + +E.V.L. + + * * * * * + + "Notice to the public, that John ----, Toronto, will not be responsible + for debts hereafter contracted by any one."--_Canadian Paper._ + +Very sensible of him. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: SUBJECT TO REVISION. + +BRITISH HOUSEWIFE. "DO YOU REALLY MEAN IT?" + +MINER. "WELL, PART OF IT, ANYWAY."] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Captain_ (_to very unsuccessful lob bowler_). "OI BE SORRY +TO 'AVE TO TAKE 'EE OFF, GARGE, BUT I MUST LET THE VICAR 'AVE A GO BEFORE +THE BALL GETS EGG-SHAPED."] + + * * * * * + +SANTAMINGOES. + +A FANCY. + + [The santamingo is a kind of Oriental bird believed by foolish sailor- + men to confer on its possessor great content and peace of mind.] + + East from the Mahanadi and north of the Nicobar + You will come to Evening Island where the santamingoes are; + Their wings are sunrise-orange and their tails are starlight-blue; + You catch a santamingo and all your dreams come true. + + They've a crest of flaming scarlet and a purple-golden breast, + And their voice is like all the music that ever you liked the best, + And their eyes are like all the comfort that ever you hoped to find; + You catch a santamingo and you'll get peace of mind. + + You won't find buried treasures, you won't get sudden luck, + But things'll just go smoothly that used to get somehow stuck-- + The little things that matter, the trumpery things that please, + You catch your santamingo and you're always sure of these. + + You don't get thrones and kingdoms, you don't turn great or good, + But you know you're just in tune with things, you know you're understood, + And wherever you chance to be is home and any old time's the best + When you've got your santamingo to keep your heart at rest. + + If ever you've dreamed of a golden day when nothing at at all went wrong, + Or a pal who'd want no tellings but would somehow just belong, + Or a place that said, "I was made for you"--well, sailor-men tell you + flat, + You catch your santamingo and you'll find it all like that. + + * * * * * + + I've sailed from the Mahanadi to north of the Nicobar, + But I can't find Evening Island where the santamingoes are, + Though I've taken salt to put on their tails and all that a hunter + should-- + Perhaps you can't _really_ catch them; but don't you wish you could? + + H.B. + + + * * * * * + + "Capitalist who will consider financing Canadian oil fields or will + send English theologist to investigate property."--_Daily Paper._ + +And do the clerical work, we suppose. + + * * * * * + +From a description of the V.C.'s at Buckingham Palace:-- + + "There were a sergeant-major arranged in nine separate groups, and an + attempt had been made to get old comrades together as far as possible." + --_Provincial Paper._ + +The reassembling of the sergeant-major must have taken a bit of doing. + + * * * * * + +MY RAT. + +He visits me at least once every day. His favourite time is the hour of +tea, when the family and staff may be expected to be at home; but sometimes +he honours us with an additional call at the luncheon hour. He emerges from +his deep hole beneath an ivy root, takes the air up and down the paths of +my rockery, glances in at the drawing-room window, passes on to the back +premises, and so home. + +There is nothing furtive about his movements. His manner is that of one who +has purchased the mansion and its appurtenances but does not wish to +disturb the sitting tenants. It is his duty to sea that the premises are +properly cared for, but for the present he has no desire to take +possession. It is beautiful weather and the simple life out-of-doors +contents him. + +He is a brown rat. I write of his sex with confidence because his urbanity +is that of a polished gentleman of the world; no feminine creature could +ever display it. A female rat who had bought the house would eagerly try to +get in and drive us forth. But not so my rat. He discharges the function of +a landlord as considerately as he can; after all, even a landlord must be +allowed the rights of inspection of his own property. + +At first I regarded him as merely an ordinary intrusive brown rat. I laid +down poisonous pills composed of barium carbonate and flour. He did not +take offence; he understood our human limitations. He showed by a jaunty +cock of the eye that all to understand is all to pardon. His daily visits +continued without abatement. + +It has been suggested to me that we should await his regular calls with +dogs, blood-thirsty terriers. I cannot take so scurvy an advantage of his +confidence. + + * * * * * + +I have sinned. The fault is less mine than that of the High Court of +Parliament. I was bidden to study the penalties laid down for those who do +not proceed to the destruction of their rats. When I weighed my landlord +rat against five treasury notes I confess that in an hour of meanness I +permitted the notes to tip the scale. I prepared phosphor paste and laid a +trail of this loathsome condiment upon the path trodden every afternoon by +my rat. + +He came as usual on the day after that on which I had basely planned his +murder--Heaven forgive me!--that I might escape a trifling fine, and he +deigned to partake of my hospitality. Twenty-four hours later, when duty +summoned him once more at the hour of tea, his eye was dim and he staggered +slightly in his gait. He was still able to go his rounds, but since that +tragic afternoon I have seen him no more. + +My family eyes me with suspicion. They look for the rat, which no longer +arrives at his accustomed hour. My cook has given notice. I alone bear the +burden of the fatal secret. + + * * * * * + +Saved! What care I for five paltry pounds now that our rat has recovered +from his indisposition and has hastened to re-visit his property? The +phosphor paste, like arsenic, has added brightness to his eye and brought a +beautiful lustre to his smooth brown coat. He has softened in his manner +and tends towards friendship. There is less of the grand air, less +assertion of the vast gap which yawns between the landlord and the tenant. +Presently, if I continue to prove worthy of his condescension, my rat will +eat phosphor paste out of my hand. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Jack_ (_to novice in difficulties with the tide_). "THE +NEXT TIME YOU SPORTSMEN TAKES AN OUTIN' TRY A NUMBER TWENTY-SEVEN BUS."] + + * * * * * + +From the obituary notice of an octogenarian:-- + + "He was a keen chronologist, and possessed a valuable collection of + shells."--_Provincial Paper._ + +Picked up, no doubt, on the sands of time. + + * * * * * + +THE LITTLE HORSE. + +[The following fragment is taken from the play, _David Lloyd George_, which +we understand may some day be produced at the Lyric Opera House, +Hammersmith, as a companion-piece to _Abraham Lincoln_.] + +The scene is laid in the House of Commons, where Sir FREDERICK BANBURY has +moved the rejection of the Poets and Verse (Nationalisation) Bill. + + _Sir FREDERICK BANBURY is speaking._ + But it stands to reason, + If you propose to pay them just the same + Whether they write a little or a lot, + They won't write _anything_. There will not be + Sufficient stimulus. It's human nature, + And human nature is unchangeable. + Do you imagine, Sir, that KEATS or SHELLEY + Would have produced such valuable work, + So large an output, if this precious Bill + Had been in operation at the time? + We should have had no SHAKSPEARE. And, besides, + It means the death of British poetry, + Because we can't continue to compete + With foreign countries. + _A Labour Member._ I am not a lawyer + Nor I am not a manufacturer, + But earned my bread these five-and-forty years, + Sweating and sweating. I know what sweat is.... + _An Hon. Member._ + You're not the only person who has sweated. + _Labour Member._ + At any rate I sweated more than you did. + _Mr. SPEAKER._ + I do not think these constant interruptions + Are really helping us. + _Labour Member._ So you may take it + That what I utter is an honest word, + A plain, blunt, honest and straightforward word, + Neither adorned with worthless flummery + And tricks of language--for I have no learning-- + Nor yet with false and empty rhetoric + Like lawyers' speeches. I am not a lawyer, + I thank my stars that I am not a lawyer, + And can without a spate of parleying + Briefly expound, as I am doing now, + The whole caboodle. As for this here Bill, + So far as it means Nationalising verse, + We shall support it. On the other hand, + So far as it means interferences + With the free liberty of working-men + To write their poetry when and how they like, + We will not _have_ the Bill. So now you know. + _Mr. ASQUITH._ + It was remarked, I think by ARISTOTLE, + That wisdom is not always to the wise; + To which opinion, if we may include + In that august and jealous category + The President of the Board of Ululation, + I am prepared most freely to subscribe. + When was there ever since the early Forties + A more grotesque and shameless mockery + Of the austere and holy principles + Which Liberalism like an altar-flame + Has guarded through the loose irreverent years + Than this inept, this disingenuous, + This frankly disingenuous attempt; + To smuggle past the barrier of this House + An article so plainly contraband + As this unlicens'd and contagious Bill-- + A Bill which, it is not too much to say, + Insults the conscience of the British Empire? + I will not longer, Sir, detain the House; + Indeed I cannot profitably add + To what I said in 1892. + Speaking at Manchester I used these words:-- + "If in the inconstant ferment of their minds + The KING'S advisers can indeed discover + No surer ground of principle than this; + If we have here their final contribution + To the most clamant and profound conundrum + Ever proposed for statesmanship to solve, + Then are we watching at the bankruptcy + Of all that wealth of intellect and power + Which has made England great. If that be true + We may put FINIS to our history. + But I for one will never lend my suffrage + To that conclusion." + [_An Ovation._ + _MR. DAVID LLOYD GEORGE._ Mr. SPEAKER, Sir, + I do not intervene in this discussion + Except to say how much I deprecate + The intemperate tone of many of the speakers-- + Especially the Honourable Member + For Allways Dithering--about this Bill, + This tiny Bill, this teeny-weeny Bill. + What _is_ it, after all? The merest trifle! + The merest trifle--no, not tipsy-cake-- + No trickery in it! Really one would think + The Government had nothing else to do + But sit and listen to offensive speeches. + How can the horse, the patient horse, go on + If people will keep dragging at the reins? + He has so terrible a load to bear, + And right in front there is a great big hill. + The horse is very tired, and it is raining. + Poor little horse! But yonder, at the top, + Look, look, there is a rainbow in the sky, + The promise of fair weather, and beyond + There is a splendidly-appointed stable, + With oats and barley, or whatever 'tis + That horses eat, while smiling all around + Stretch out the prairies of Prosperity, + Cornfields and gardens, all that sort of thing. + That's where the horse is going. But, you see, + The horse has got to climb the great big hill + Before he gets there. Oh, you must see that. + Then let us cease this petty bickering; + Let us have no more dragging at the reins. + What _is_ this Bill when all is said and done? + Surely this House, surely this mighty nation, + Which did so much for horses in the War, + Will not desert this little horse at last + Because of what calumniators say-- + Newspaper-owners--_I_ know who they are-- + About this Bill! No, no, of course it won't. + We will take heart and gallop up the hill, + We will climb up together to the rainbow; + We will go on to where the rainbow ends-- + I know where that is, for I am a Welshman. + It is a field, a lovely little field, + Where there are buttercups and daffodils, + And long rich grass and very shady trees. + Hold on a little, and the horse will get there, + Only, I ask you, let the horse have rein. + That is my message to the British nation: + "Hold on! Hold fast! But do not hold too tight!" + + [_An Ovation. A Division is taken. The Ayes have it._ + + A.P.H. + + * * * * * + +TRUE SPORTSMANLIKE BEHAVIOUR. + +[Illustration: "BUT I'M ALMOST SURE IT WAS NOT. LOVE-FIFTEEN." + +"NO, REALLY, I'M PRACTICALLY CERTAIN IT WAS IN. FIFTEEN-LOVE."] + +[Illustration: "THAT WAS A DOUBLE FAULT I SERVED, WASN'T IT? LOVE-FIFTEEN." + +"NO. YOUR SECOND ONE WAS IN ALL RIGHT, I THINK. FIFTEEN-LOVE."] + +[Illustration: "BUT I'M ALMOST SURE IT WAS NOT. LOVE-FIFTEEN." + +"NO, REALLY, I'M PRACTICALLY CERTAIN IT WAS IN. FIFTEEN-LOVE."] + +[Illustration: "IT LOOKED MILES OUT TO ME. LOVE-FIFTEEN." + +"WELL, YOU WERE WRONG, THAT'S ALL. FIFTEEN-LOVE."] + +[Illustration: "BUT, MY DEAR GOOD FELLOW, I KNOW I'M RIGHT. LOVE-FIFTEEN." + +"MY VERY GOOD IDIOT, YOU AREN'T. FIFTEEN-LOVE."] + +[Illustration: "YOU PIG-HEADED BEAST, I AM. LOVE-FIFTEEN." + +"YOU'RE A LIAR! YOU'RE NOT. FIFTEEN-LOVE."] + +[Illustration: "WELL, CALL IT A LET."] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: THE NEW RIVER "BELLE." + +_Society Gossip Note._ "I also saw the Honourable Pamela Puntah, attended +by a gorgeous creation in tangerine orange and cornflower blue, with hat +and handkerchief to match." + +[It was remarked that at Henley the men's river attire quite outshone the +ladies'.]] + + * * * * * + +WORD CHAINS. + +Sheila Davies and her brother had cycled over to play tennis. They sat, +with John and myself, on the steps and watched the rain falling. + +"As a matter of general interest," said Arthur Davies to me, "when a man +invites his friends and neighbours over to play tennis and it pours with +rain all the time, what is the correct thing for him to do?" + +"As a matter of general interest," I answered, "the good host will send the +ladies to play the piano, if any, and to talk scandal, whether there is any +or not. He will himself conduct the men of the party to the billiard-room +or the smoking-room and offer them cigarettes and whisky--if any." + +"Ah," said Davies, "then it isn't usual just to keep them sitting miserably +on the steps watching the net float away?" + +John, on whose steps we were sitting, felt the need of speech. + +"I have often wondered," he said, turning to Miss Davies, "how your brother +ever got into such a nice family as yours. How do you keep so cheerful with +it always about?" + +"One gets used to it in time," said Miss Davies. + +"I suppose so," said John. "After all, we have the same sort of family +disaster in Alan, but we manage to bear up." + +Davies rose. + +"You and I don't seem popular here," he said to me. "Will you conduct me to +the billiard-room or the smoking-room? I am in need of a wash." + +"As a matter of general interest," said John to Miss Davies, "is it the +correct thing to wash _before_ setting out to visit friends, or can it be +left until some hours after arrival?" + +Miss Davies sighed heavily. + +"If you two are going to sit here thinking of clever remarks to make about +each other I shall go home. For goodness' sake let's pretend we are +enjoying ourselves." + +"I _am_ enjoying myself," said John plaintively; "I've been wanting to say +what I really think of your brother for years." + +"Well, don't do it now. Things are miserable enough without having +discussions on Arthur. Let's all have a game at something, shall we?" + +"Splendid idea," said her brother. "What about tennis?" + +"We might get into bathing togs and play polo," I suggested. + +"That's not a bad notion," said John, "and then he needn't have a wash +until to-morrow." + +"I suggest," continued Miss Davies, "that we play at Word Chains." + +Davies buried his face in his hands and groaned. + +"It sounds fine," I said gallantly. "What is it?" + +"Well, it's really a sort of mind exercise. They recommend it in those +courses, you know," said Miss Davies, "er--'it stimulates a logical +sequence in reasoning and quickens the mental processes.'" + +"Is that what they say about it?" asked John fearfully. + +"But it makes a splendid game," added Miss Davies eagerly. "Let me explain +it to you and you'll see. First of all we think of a word, such as--er-- +'margarine.'" + +"Why?" asked John. + +"It's part of the game, of course," said Miss Davies indignantly. + +"Oh, I see--of course. How stupid of me!" said John. + +"Then we think of another word quite different, such as--" + +"'Hippopotamus,'" I suggested. + +"That's right," said Miss Davies. + +I stood up and bowed. + +"Well, I'm hanged!" said John. "Jolly good, Alan. However did you guess it? +Has he won?" he asked Miss Davies. + +"Of course not," said she; "we haven't begun yet." + +I sat down again hurriedly. + +"Then," continued Miss Davies, "we take turns, starting with the word +'margarine' and making a chain, each word being connected in some way with +the one before it. And whoever can get to the word 'hippopotamus' first has +won." + +"One hippopotamus?" asked John. + +"WON," said Miss Davies sweetly. + +Her brother groaned again. + +"I'll just give you an easy example," went on Miss Davies enthusiastically, +"and then we'll begin. Take the words 'fire' and 'nigger.' A good chain +would be 'fire--coal--black--nigger.' Do you see? + +John and I made sounds expressing that we thought we did. Davies just went +on groaning. + +"Very well," said Miss Davies, "we'll begin. Now don't forget. We start +with 'margarine' and try to get to 'hippopotamus.' The great thing is to +keep the word 'hippopotamus' in your mind all the time and keep trying to +work towards it. Are you ready? Right! I'll start with 'grease.'" + +"Greece?" said John, looking startled. + +"Yes, margarine--grease," explained Miss Davies. + +"Oh, I see," said John, "er--oil." + +I thought seriously for a moment. + +"Salad," I said, looking round for approval. + +"Splendid," said Miss Davies. "Now you, Arthur." + +"I refuse--Oh, all right," he said. "Where have we--'salad'--er-- +'lobster.'" + +Do you catch the idea, as it were? We seemed to fall into the way of it in +a moment. Once we had tried we progressed at a tremendous rate. Perhaps we +are all very clever, or perhaps it was really easier than it seems in the +telling, but looking back the conversation seems to have been simply +brilliant. + +Well, here's an idea of how we went on, anyway, and you can judge for +yourselves (Davies, you remember, has just snapped out "Lobster"):-- + +_Miss Davies_ (quick as lightning). Shrimp. + +_John_. Whiskers. (A very subtle one, this.) + +_Me_. Beard. (Rather weak effort.) + +_Davies._ Moustache. (Weaker still; received with groans.) + +_Miss Davies_ (quick as another lightning). CHARLIE CHAPLIN. (Loud cheers +here and laughter, followed by a long pause while John thinks.) At last:-- + +_John._ MARY PICKFORD. + +_Me_ (after another pause). DOUGLAS FAIRBANKS. + +_Davies_ (indicating with a wave of the hand that it has been forced on +him). D.W. GRIFFITHS. + +There is a slight hold-up at this point while Miss Davies tells her brother +that he is not trying, and he says he knows he isn't. Miss Davies gets back +on to the track amidst applause, however, with:-- + +"Broken Blossoms." + +After this things went on for a long time, hours and hours I should say. I +remember that we mentioned among many subjects of interest sausage-rolls, +horoscopes, hair-pins, Cleopatra's Needle and lung-wort. I must resist the +temptation to tell the whole absorbing story in detail, and skip rapidly to +the point where the chase reached the following interesting stage:-- + +_Miss Davies_ (still going strong). Whale. + +_John_ (struggling hard but growing weak). Oil. + +_Me_ (quite innocently). Grease. + +_Davies_ (triumphantly). MARGARINE. + +I looked at Miss Davies in embarrassment. John gazed round pitifully. + +"But," he murmured weakly, "isn't that where we started?" + +"Of course it is," said Miss Davies indignantly. "You've spoilt the whole +game, Arthur." + +"Well, I can't help it," said her brother; "I thought that was the word we +were after. What was it, anyway?" + +We all looked at the sky and thought hard. + +"Hanged if I know," said John. + +"I'm sure I don't," I said. + +"Well, isn't that ridiculous?" said Miss Davies. + +"Of course it is," said her brother brutally; "I _knew_ it was ridiculous +from the beginning. _You_ said it quickened the mental processes. Would +memory be one of them?" + +"Let's go inside and have some tea," said John. + +We crept quietly indoors. + + * * * * * + +Halfway through tea Miss Davies suddenly waved her teaspoon aloft. We +looked at her and saw a great light shining in her eyes. + +"Hip--hip--hippopotamus!" she shrieked. + +We all agreed that Miss Davies had won. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: "PLAY US A CHUNE, MISTER."] + + * * * * * + + MAGNANIMITY. + + There was once a satirical pup + Who with newspaper rule was fed up, + So he wrote bitter rhymes + Which disparaged _The Times_ + But were praised in its weekly _Lit. Supp._ + + * * * * * + + "The Canadian officials refused to allow her to land because she did + not proopse to carry out her original intention tom arry Captain ----, + and the New Yorkaut horities declined to interfere with the Canadian + decision."--_Daily Paper._ + +But what we really want to know is where Tom and 'Arry come in. + + * * * * * + + "NEW YORK, Sunday. + + The s.s. Minnehaha left here yesterday for London with fifty crates of + American birds and a great variety of animals. + + Three trunks were carried for the oppossum to build in and for the + beavers to gnaw."--_Daily Mirror._ + +Nothing is said about the other creatures' luggage. + + * * * * * + +From the time-table of a Hampshire motor-service:-- + + "The Fares between any points on any route will be found where the + vertical line of figures under the name of one of the points meets the + horizontal line of figures which terminates in the name of the other of + the two points between which it is desired to travel." + +The Hampshire Hog needs to be a very learned pig. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Mother._ "WELL, DARLINGS, WHAT ARE YOU PLAYING?" + +_Margaret._ "WE'RE PLAYING AT WEDDINGS. I'M THE BRIDE AND BETTY'S THE +BRIDESMAID." + +_Mother._ "BUT WHERE'S THE BRIDEGROOM?" + +_Margaret._ "OH, THIS IS A VERY QUIET WEDDING."] + + * * * * * + +THE REEFS. + + All the grim rocks that stand guard about Scilly-- + Wingletang, Great Smith and Little Granilly, + The Barrel of Butter, Dropnose and Hellweather-- + Started to boast of their conquests together, + Of drowned men and gallant, tall vessels laid low + While gulls wheeled about them like flurries of snow + And green combers romped at them smashing in thunder, + Gurgling and booming in caverns down under, + Sending their diamond-drops flying in showers. + "Oh," said the reefs, "what a business is ours! + Since saints in coracles paddled from Erin + (Fishing our waters for sinners and herrin') + And purple-sailed triremes of Hamilco came + To the Islands of Tin, we've played at the game. + We shattered the galleys of conquering Rome, + The galleons of PHILIP that scudded for home + (The sea-molluscs slime on their glittering gear); + We plundered the plundering French privateer, + We caught the great Indiaman head in the wind + And gutted her hold of the treasures of Ind; + We sank a whole fleet of three-deckers one night + (The drift of the sand keeps their culverins bright), + And cloudy tea-clippers that raced from Canton + Swept into our clutches--and never went on. + Come steel leviathans scorning disaster + We scrapped them as fast--if anything faster. + So pick up your pilot and take a cross-bearing, + Sound us and chart us from Lion to Tearing, + And ring us with lighthouses, day-marks and buoys, + The gales are our hunters, the fogs our decoys. + We shall not go hungry; we grin and we wait, + Black-fanged and foam-drabbled, the wolves at the Gate." + + PATLANDER. + + * * * * * + +AWAY TO THE MEADOWS! + +Although the cost of everything is on the rise there are still a few good +things that quite a little money can buy. One pound, for example--or, if +you prefer it, twenty shillings--can work wonders by taking (under the +auspices of the Children's Country Holiday Fund) a London child away from +our smoke and grime for a fortnight of country air and surprises, +excitements and joys. The Fund (the Hon. Treasurer of which is the Earl of +ARRAN, 18, Buckingham Street, Strand, London) must not now be restricted +because lodgings and railway fares are dearer. Last year the sum asked for +each child was just half what is now required; but the increase is +necessary. Yet even with the increase it is not great, considering the good +that it can do! In spite of all the other claims of the moment upon his +readers' generosity, Mr. Punch trusts that this modest and most excellent +ameliorative organisation will not be neglected. + + * * * * * + + "The police are divided in their opinions as to whether Mamie is still + alive or whether she has gone to Canada."--_Provincial Paper._ + +Why this "down" on the Dominion? + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: OUR PARISH CHURCH. + +JOHN BULL. "LET ME SEE, WE MUST BE ESPECIALLY GENEROUS TO-DAY. THE +COLLECTION IS FOR THE RESTORATION FUND."] + + * * * * * + +ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT. + +_Monday, July 5th._--When the Germans left Peking after the Boxer Rebellion +they took with them the astronomical instruments which had hung for +centuries on its walls. How the Celestial equivalent of _Old Moore_ has +managed to translate the message of the stars without their assistance I +cannot imagine; but the Chinese Government does not appear to be worrying, +for, though it was specifically provided at Versailles that the instruments +should be returned, China has omitted to sign the Peace Treaty. + +[Illustration: "A GENEROUS TEAPOT." + +COLONEL WEDGWOOD.] + +There are the makings of a great statesman in Sir JOHN REES. Some +apprehension having been expressed lest France should prohibit the +importation of silk mourning crepe and so injure an old British industry, +he was quick to suggest a remedy. "Would it not be possible," he asked in +his most insinuating tones, "to have a deal between silk and champagne?" +And the House, which is not yet entirely composed of "Pussyfeet," gave him +an approving cheer. + +A certain General GOLOVIN having published statements reflecting on Mr. +CHURCHILL'S conduct of the campaign in North Russia last year, that section +of the House which is always ready to take the word of any foreigner as +against that of any Englishman, particularly of any English Minister, at +once assumed that the charges were correct. The SECRETARY OF STATE FOR WAR +was in his place, with the light of battle in his eye, ready to meet his +enemies in the gate. But by the time Mr. BONAR LAW had done with them there +was not much left of the charges. So far as the statements were true, he +said, they merely repeated what was already familiar to the House. +Everybody knew that the Government was helping the anti-Bolshevik forces +last year. But the story that Mr. CHURCHILL had taken his orders from +Admiral KOLTCHAK was both untrue and absurd. He had simply carried out the +policy of the Government, a policy which, though some hon. Members did not +seem to appreciate it, had now been altered. + +Committee on the Finance Bill saw the annual assault on the tea duty. "We +are going to drop this duty directly we are in a position to do so," said +Commander KENWORTHY, with his eye on the Treasury Bench. "Who are we?" +shouted the Coalitionists; and it presently appeared that "we" did not +include Sir DONALD MACLEAN, but did include Colonel WEDGWOOD, who, as +becomes one of his name, was all for a generous tea-pot. + +[Illustration: LIEUT.-COMMANDER KENWORTHY GIVES AN INFERIOR IMITATION OF +MR. CHARLES CHAPLIN.] + +Undeterred by his failure over tea, Commander KENWORTHY next attacked the +duty on films, complaining _inter alia_, "Mr. CHAPLIN is taxed twenty +pounds for every thousand feet." Mr. CHAMBERLAIN defended the tax on +general grounds, but wisely avoided Mr. CHAPLIN'S feet, over which it is +notoriously easy to trip. + +The debate on the beer duty shattered one more illusion. It is an article +of faith with the "Wee Frees" that Sir GEORGE YOUNGER is the power behind +the scenes, and that Mr. LLOYD GEORGE is a mere marionette, who only exists +to do his bidding. Yet here was the autocrat confessing, _qua_ brewer, that +the latest addition to the beer duty was the biggest surprise of his life. + +_Tuesday, July 6th._--The LORD CHANCELLOR'S request for leave of absence in +order that he might attend the Spa Conference was granted. Lord CREWE'S +remark, that it was "a matter of regret that the Government had to depend +upon the noble and learned lord for legal assistance," might perhaps have +been less ambiguously worded. At any rate Lord BIRKENHEAD thought it +necessary to allay any possible apprehensions by adding that he would be +accompanied by the ATTORNEY-GENERAL. + +The gist of Mr. CHURCHILL'S comprehensive reply to allegations of waste at +Chilwell was that there were not enough sheds to cover all the stores, and +that to build additional accommodation would cost more than it would save. +There was a pleasant Hibernian flavour about his admission that the goods, +"if they remained in their present condition, would, of course, +deteriorate." + +Who says that D.O.R.A. has outlived her usefulness? The HOME SECRETARY +announced that the sale of chocolates in theatres is still _verboten_, so +the frugal swain, whose "best girl" has a healthy appetite, may breathe +again. + +[Illustration: DAVID COPPERFIELD UP TO DATE. + +_Mr. Clynes._ "LOOK HERE--IF THE PRICE OF ALE KEEPS ON GOING UP LIKE THIS +I'LL HAVE TO SPEAK TO AUSTEN CHAMBERLAIN ABOUT IT."] + +Mr. CLYNES, usually so cautious, was in a reckless mood. First he tried to +move the adjournment over the GOLOVIN revelations, and was informed by the +SPEAKER that a report of doubtful authenticity, relating to events that +happened over a year ago, could hardly be described as either "urgent" or +"definite." + +Next, on the Finance Bill, he shocked his temperance colleagues by boldly +demanding cheaper beer. But, although he received the powerful support of +Admiral Sir R. HALL, he failed to soften the heart of the CHANCELLOR, who +declared that he must have his increased revenue, and that the beer-drinker +must pay his share of it. + +Mr. CHAMBERLAIN turned a more sympathetic ear to the bark of another +sea-dog, Admiral ADAIR, who sought a reduction of the tax on champagne, and +mentioned the horrifying fact that even City Companies were abandoning its +consumption. He received the unexpected support of Lieutenant-Commander +KENWORTHY, who declared that Yorkshire miners always had a bottle after +their day's work and denounced an impost that would rob a poor man of his +"boy." Eventually the CHANCELLOR agreed to reduce the new _ad valorem_ duty +by a third. He might have made the same reduction in the case of cigars but +for the declaration of a Labour Member that this was becoming "a rich man's +Budget from top to bottom." + +_Wednesday, July 7th._--Never was Lord Haldane's power of clear thinking +employed to better advantage than in his lucid exposition of the Duplicands +and Feu-duties (Scotland) Bill. I would not like to assert positively that +all the Peers present fully grasped the momentous fact that a duplicand was +a "casualty" and might be sometimes twice the feu-duty and sometimes three +times that amount; but they understood enough to agree that it was a very +fearful wild-fowl and ought to be restrained by law. + +After this piquant _hors-d'oeuvre_ they settled down to a solid joint of +national finance, laid before them by Lord MIDLETON. I am afraid they would +have found it rather indigestible but for the sauce provided by Lord +INCHCAPE, who was positively skittish in his comments upon the extravagance +of the Government, and on one occasion even indulged in a pun. In his view +the Ministry of Transport was an entirely superfluous creation, solely +arising out of the supposed necessity of finding a new job for Sir ERIC +GEDDES. I suppose the PRIME MINISTER said, "Here's a square peg, look you; +let us dig a hole round it." + +The LORD CHANCELLOR'S reply was vigorous but not altogether convincing. His +description of the Government as a body of harassed and anxious economists +did not altogether tally with his subsequent picture of the CHANCELLOR OF +THE EXCHEQUER "always resisting proposals for expenditure made by his +colleagues in the Cabinet." Despite his eloquence the Peers passed Lord +MIDLETON'S motion by 95 votes to 23. + +The Commons made good progress with the Finance Bill, though there was a +good deal of justifiable criticism of its phraseology. The SECRETARY OF THE +TREASURY admitted that there was one clause of which he did not understand +a word, but wisely refused to specify it. Colonel WEDGWOOD advanced the +remarkable proposition that "the workers in the long run pay all the +taxes," but did not jump at Captain ELLIOTT'S suggestion that in that case +it would save trouble if the CHANCELLOR were to levy all the taxes on the +working classes direct. When asked to extend further relief to charities +Mr. CHAMBERLAIN sought a definition of "charity." Would it apply, for +example, to "the association of a small number of gentlemen in distress +obeying the law of self-preservation in the face of world-forces which +threaten to sweep them out of existence"? I seem to hear _Mr. Wilkins +Micawber_ reply, "The answer is in the affirmative." + +_Thursday, July 8th._--In the absence of the LORD CHANCELLOR the Gas +Regulation Bill was entrusted to the UNDER-SECRETARY FOR AIR. The mingling +of gas and air has before now been known to produce an explosion, but on +this occasion Lord LONDONDERRY so deftly handled his material that not a +single Peer objected to the Second Reading. + +The proceedings in the Lower House were much more lively. Mr. STANTON +threatened that there would be a general strike of Members of Parliament +unless their salaries were increased; but Mr. BONAR LAW seemed to be more +amused than alarmed at the prospect. The CHANCELLOR OF THE EXCHEQUER was +asked point-blank whether he was satisfied with the reduction in the +bureaucracy during the last six months, and replied that he was not, and +had therefore appointed Committees to investigate the staffs in seven of +the Departments. The number is unfortunately suggestive. + + "If seven maids with seven mops + Swept it for half a year, + Do you suppose," the Walrus said, + "That they could get it clear?" + +[Illustration: MR. MONTAGU S'EXCUSE.] + +And we know what the Carpenter replied. + +If an unnecessary amount of heat was engendered by the debate on General +DYER'S case the fault must be partly attributed to the INDIAN SECRETARY'S +opening speech. "Come, Montagu, for thou art early up" is a line from one +of the most poignant scenes in SHAKSPEARE; but early rising, at Westminster +as elsewhere, is not always conducive to good temper. + +Members who thought with Sir EDWARD CARSON that General DYER had not been +fairly treated resented Mr. MONTAGU'S insinuation that in that case they +were condoning "frightfulness." Mr. CHURCHILL was more judicious, and Mr. +BONAR LAW did his level best to keep his followers in the Government Lobby. +But Sir A. HUNTER-WESTON'S reminder that by the instructions issued by the +civil authority to General DYER he was ordered "to use all force necessary. +No gathering of persons nor procession of any sort will be allowed. All +gatherings will be fired on," confirmed them in the view that the GENERAL +was being made a scape-goat. No fewer than 129 voted against the +Government, whose majority would have been very minute but for the +assistance of its usual foes, the "Wee Frees" and Labourites. + + * * * * * + + "Keble's own future should be all the more secure in a University in + which there is not only complete religious intolerance but complete + religious equality."--_Local Paper._ + +Poor old Oxford! Still "the home of lost causes" apparently. + + * * * * * + + "Few stories of London origin are more familiar than that of the cabby + who, regarding his day off as one of his indisputable rights, spent it + each week in riding about the City with a fellow cabby in order to keep + him company."--_Sunday Paper._ + +That's why they called him a busman and his holiday a busman's holiday. + + * * * * * + + "Do you remember the sad fate of a certain distinguished hostess who + found herself at midnight left with only a few hogs and elderly men to + entertain her pretty girl guests, and the sudden epidemic of rents that + necessitated a rush to the cloakroom for mending."--_Evening Paper._ + +The ripping property of tusks is well known. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: THE WOMAN-HATER.] + + * * * * * + +FAR-EASTERN ENGLISH. + +A returning circumnavigator reports that the passengers on the boat--a +Japanese liner--coming from Yokohama to Honolulu were apprised of the fact +that they were to have two Thursdays, one immediately following the other +(and you can have no notion how long a second Thursday can be), owing to +the crossing of the imaginary but very boring line which divides the two +hemispheres. The official notice came from the captain's own hand. The ship +had an American purser and an American chief steward, and there were many +English on board, but the gallant little commander preferred to tackle the +linguistic problem unaided. On Wednesday, therefore, the board had this +announcement pinned to it:--"As she will be crossed the meridian of 180 +to-morrow, so to-morrow again." Could, after the first blow, anything be +clearer? + +Meanwhile from Siam come the glad tidings that the British residents in +Bangkok are to have a new paper. That the editorial promises are rich the +following extracts sufficiently prove:-- + +"The news of English we tell the latest, writ in perfect style and +earliest. Do a murder get commit, we hear and tell of it. Do a mighty chief +die, we publish it in borders of sombre. Staff has each one been college +and writes like the Kipling and the Dickens. We circulate every town and +extortionate not for advertisements. Buy it." + + * * * * * + +RATHER A TALL ORDER. + + "FOR SALE. + + Grey flannel suit made by English tailor in January last, unworn Rs. + 50; chest 39, height 8ft. 5 inches."--_Indian Paper._ + + * * * * * + + "Small (Elephant) Pram, as new, extending back, 6 gns."--_Local Paper._ + +Thanks; but we always take our elephant in the side-car. + + * * * * * + + "Samuel Johnson, who had pleaded guilty yesterday to stealing a wallet, + was sentenced to three months' hard labour."--_Evening Paper._ + +When he comes out (if there is any truth in BOSWELL) he will make a pun. + + * * * * * + + VERS LIBRE. + + There was an old man of Dunoon + Who always ate soup with a fork; + For he said, "As I eat + Neither fish, fowl or flesh + I should finish my dinner too quick." + + * * * * * + + "It is as well to note that during dry weather it is always advisable + to pass the watering-can along the rows of plants in order to moisten + the soil."--_Daily Paper._ + +This means, we think, "Water the garden." + + * * * * * + + "The City views with the gravest concern the existence of places like + Didcot."--_Daily Paper._ + +There is reason to believe that Didcot entertains precisely similar +feelings in regard to the City. + + * * * * * + +COMMERCIAL CANDOUR. + + "For Lightweight Motor Cycles there is no alternative to the ---- + MAGNETO. Maximum Weight. Minimum Performance."--_Trade Paper._ + + "Reason and instinct dictate the smoking of a cigarette that will give + the minimum of pleasure at a moderate cost."--_Advt. in Evening Paper._ + + * * * * * + +OUR PASTORAL. + +"Hulloa, Melhuish," I said, "after all you had ideal weather for your +_Midsummer Night's Dream_ yesterday." + +"Ideal," said Melhuish moodily. + +"Really, if you'd picked the day it couldn't have been better. You want +peculiar atmospheric conditions for a pastoral, don't you? Just enough sun, +not too much wind, temperature congenial for sitting out-of-doors. You had +'em all." + +Melhuish nodded. + +"Your garden must be looking like fairyland too now with the roses out and +the trees in all their full summer greenery." + +He nodded again. + +"What a setting for the _Dream_! It drew a crowd, of course?" + +"Yes, we drew the county." + +I sighed regretfully. "How I wish I hadn't funked it, but with my lumbago I +never dare risk damp grass and it looked so awfully like rain in the +morning." + +Melhuish suddenly got excited. "_Looked_ like rain!" he said violently. "It +_did_ rain. It rained several drops. I never saw such drops, as big as +saucers. Perhaps you didn't hear the thunder?" + +"My dear bean," I said, "it was the thunder which put me off coming to see +you as _Bottom_ and Mrs. Melhuish as _Titania_ in the most idyllic +surroundings I can imagine." + +"You wouldn't have seen us in any idyllic surroundings," said Melhuish. He +had relapsed into moodiness again. I could see there was something serious. + +"What happened, old friend?" I said gently. + +"We began rehearsing during that glorious spell of sunshine in the spring, +when the garden was a carpet of daffodils and it was a sheer joy to play +about out-of-doors. Then the weather broke for a time and we migrated to +the Parish Hall. You know our Parish Hall?" + +"Quite well. A little tin place on the left from the rectory." + +"That's it. It's got a platform on trestles at one end and a paraffin lamp +in the middle. The Vicar placed it at our disposal when there wasn't a +Women's Institute or a choir practice, and on chilly nights he had the +'Beatrice stove' lit for us. Then the Summer began in real earnest. We got +in extra gardeners, worked like niggers ourselves, and when the turf was in +perfect condition and the thyme was coming up on _Titania's_ bank we fixed +the date and billed the county. + +"After that we all got nervous and went about consulting weather forecasts. +_Old Moore_ prophesied heavy rains. The _Daily Mail_ said a cyclone from +New York was on the way. The weather-glasses jumped about and seemed to +know their own minds even less than usual. Three days before the date +thunderstorms were reported all over the country and a fowl was struck by +lightning. But not a drop of rain came to our village. + +"At the dress-rehearsal the night before the performance we debated the +weather prospects until the moon rose. _Lysander_ said his bit of seaweed +which he brought from Bognor was as dry as parched peas and he would back +it against any fool barometer. Cocklewhite, our prompter, said he didn't +want to depress the company, but he had a leech in a bottle of water which +rose for fine weather and sank for wet, and he was bound to tell us it was +like lead at the bottom at the present moment. _Hermia_ pointed to the +heavens, 'Red sky at night shepherds' delight,' she quoted. There was no +getting away from the swallows; they were nose-diving to a bird. 'Hang +swallows,' _Oberon_ said; 'put your trust in mosquitoes. Look at my +eyelid.' + +"'It's no good talking,' _Theseus_ said; 'nobody can tell until the +morning, and then it'll be up to _Bottom_ to decide by 11.30 whether it's +to be indoors or out. He's our stage-manager and we know his arrangements +in case of rain. They're the only arrangements possible in our little +village, and it's going to be a nightmare instead of a dream if they have +to be carried out. But we can depend upon _Bottom_ to make a wise decision. +He'll notify us and the boy-scouts will notify the audience. All we've got +to do is not to grouse.' + +"Cocklewhite said he would phone me the position of his leech at 9 A.M., +and _Lysander_ promised to report any change in the condition of the +seaweed. I set our glass and _Titania_ and I got up at half-hour intervals +during the night and tapped it. It refused to budge either way. + +"At dawn _Titania_ looked out of the window and gave a wild cry. 'Red sky +in the morning shepherds' warning,' she wailed. At breakfast Cocklewhite +phoned that his leech was dead, and he had strong suspicions it had died +from atmospheric pressure. Almost at the same moment _Lysander_ sent word +that his seaweed had gone clammy during the night. Half-an-hour later came +a clap of thunder and the drops of rain I mentioned. I needn't go on. You +can guess the rest." + +Melhuish paused. + +"But the performance came off, didn't it?" I said. + +"Yes, in the Parish Hall. It was a perfect day for a pastoral." + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Profiteer._ "I WANT YOU TO PAINT ME WITH A BOOK IN MY 'AND +AND MY VALET STANDIN' UNOBTRUSIVELY IN THE BACKGROUND IN CASE I MIGHT WISH +TO CALL 'IM."] + + * * * * * + +A CLEAN HITTER. + + "J. ---- carried his bath through the innings."--_Scotch Paper._ + + * * * * * + + "Fishing near the bridge on Monday a schoolboy caught a chub with + artificial fly weighing 2lbs. 15ozs."--_Local Paper._ + +It is supposed that the unfortunate fish was struck on the head and +stunned. + + * * * * * + + "After long delays a new Polish Cabinet has been formed under Mr. + Grabski. He would annex much Russian territory outright."--_Weekly + Paper._ + +_Pace_ SHAKSPEARE, there would seem to be something in a name. + + * * * * * + +"THAT QUEER FISH THE SALMON. + + Some fish are 'takers,' some are not, but most salmon can be worried + into talking."--_Daily Paper._ + +Whereas most fishermen chatter of their own accord. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Fair Skipper._ "WIND GETTIN' UP NICELY--WHAT?"] + + * * * * * + +HARDING AND COX. + +(_Being an inquiry into the two Candidates for the Presidency of the United +States of America._) + + I wish I knew some facts regarding + The private life of Mr. HARDING; + I wish that I had simply stocks + Of anecdotes of Mr. COX. + + In U.S.A. (where both are resident + And each one hoping to be President) + Their favourite hymns, their size in boots, + Their views on liquor and cheroots + + Are known to all; not JULIUS CAESAR + Is quite so much renowned as these are. + In England, where they do not dwell, + No one appears to know them well. + + One cannot say if COX'S liver + Keeps well upon the Swanee River, + Nor whether HARDING finds, when glum, + Any relief in chewing gum. + + It may be that they both have good rows + Of dental ornaments like WOODROW'S, + The waist of TAFT, the ROOSEVELT eye + For pinking hippopotami. + + It may be HARDING had some flickers + Of CLEVELAND'S spirit whilst in knickers, + And COX while yet a puling babe + Dreamed tiny dreams of LINCOLN (ABE); + + And both, although they knew they'd catch it, + Cut fruit-trees with a little hatchet; + Both may have been, when glorious youths, + Too proud to fight or tell untruths. + + I cannot say. I know they wrangle + On points I dare not disentangle, + That one of them's a Democrat + And t' other's not. And that is that. + + EVOE. + + * * * * * + +GEE! + +On the upper floors of a shop in the Strand, between Wellington Street and +the Savoy, is a well-known maker of fowling-pieces, who gave me a terrible +start the other day; and probably not me alone, but many passers-by who +chanced to look upwards at his windows. For he is at the moment advertising +the most undesirable article in the world, a commodity for which I can +conceive of no demand whatever. Yet there--the result of the caprice of +adhesive cement or the desire of one letter of the alphabet to get level +with its neighbour and be dropped too--the amazing notice is, in +conspicuous white enamel:-- + +SECOND HAND +UNS. + + * * * * * + +THE DOMESTIC PROBLEM SOLVED. + + "A Lady wishes to meet with a gentleman or lady to share her home as + sole paying guest; one with a hobby for gardening preferred; every home + comfort; terms, L300 per annum."--_Sunday Paper._ + +We are desirous of entertaining, on the same terms, a lady (or gentleman) +with a _penchant_ for cooking and washing-up. + + * * * * * + + "The Hindus and Mahomedans are the two eyes of India, but have long + been engaged in a tug-of-war. On account of this cleavage both have + suffered, but now the wall of separation is broken down, and they are + coming together like sugar and milk, the bitter feelings between them + having been pulled out like a thorn. They are advised to give up biting + each other for the future."--_Indian Paper._ + +Or our contemporary will have exhausted its stock of metaphors. + + * * * * * + +A STORY ABOUT A CLOCK. + +Our move-in took place in no furtive or clandestine fashion; our +installation of ourselves in our semi-detached was performed well under the +eye of the neighbouring public. Our furniture waited on the public +thoroughfare until our new home was ready to receive it. Small children +played games on our sofa; enthusiastic acquaintances played tunes on our +piano. In a word, our move-in was a local festival; everyone took part. +This is the sad tale of the man who took the most expensive part--the +clock. + +If the hard choice had been put to Diana, my wife, to say which she could +least sorrowfully part with, me or the clock, the clock would have stayed. +If I had been put to the same dismal alternative as to Diana or the clock, +Diana would have gone. In fact, directly the clock was safely in Diana had +gone out. That was all she cared about; small children might play on the +sofa, enthusiastic acquaintances might play on the piano, and I might toil +unremittingly with everything else, for all Diana cared. So, the clock +being in, out she went upon her lawful or unlawful purposes. As she +departed she said something about my seeing to the clock. I remembered that +later on, but I remembered it wrong. This is how I did it. + +The man sat a little on my own special chair (at that time on the pavement) +before he came in. I asked him what he was sitting there for. He got up and +came inside. Then I asked him what he had come in for, and he said, "The +clock." I looked at the clock and it had stopped. I gave it a shake, and it +still stopped. He said it was no good shaking it; that only annoyed it. He +said he had come to look after it. He then took off his hat and his coat, +moved the fingers about, put his ears to it to hear its heart beating, and +asked me what I had been doing to it. I said I hadn't been doing anything +to it; he watched me doing things to everything else, and adopted an +expression as if to say he didn't believe me. He gave me the feeling that I +was a very interfering person, and that he didn't want to have anything +more to do with me. He said he should have to take the clock away. I asked +him when he would bring it back. He said he didn't know. He appeared to +take a pessimistic view of it. I asked him cheerfully if he would _ever_ +bring it back. He gave me a contemptuous look and, without another word, +went, taking the clock with him. + +When Diana came back she asked where the clock was. I said it had gone. +"Gone where?" asked Diana. I said I didn't know; the man had taken it. +"What man?" asked Diana. I was trying to move the sofa at the moment and I +was inclined to be short-spoken. I said that the man who had taken it was, +no doubt, the man whom Diana had gone forth to find and bid take away our +clock. Diana said that, if the man had said that she had said that he might +take our clock away, the man was a liar. _Had_ the man said that she had +said he might take the clock away? The answer was in the negative. + +Then the truth emerged. The man had stolen our clock. I had assisted the +man to steal our clock, helping him to lift it off its perch and handing +him his bowler hat as he left. + +It all sounds incredible, doesn't it? But you will admit, I am sure, that +it is a thing which could quite easily happen to anyone. Isn't it? + +To be quite frank, I have improved the story a bit. The clock wasn't really +stolen. + +Was the man really taking it away to repair it? No; to tell you the truth +he didn't actually take it away at all. In fact, I might as well own that +no man ever came into the house while I was shifting the furniture in from +the street. And, if you want to know, I never had a clock ... nor a wife +... nor a house. + +The mere fact of my pretending that there _are_ such things as semi- +detacheds for people to move into these days ought to have put you wise +from the start that the whole tale was a fabrication. + + * * * * * + +CURES WORTH MAKING. + +(_By our Medical Expert._) + +_The Times_, in its daily summary of "News in Advertisements" recently +called attention to the appeal of an invalided officer who "will be glad to +give a hundred pounds to any doctor, nerve specialist or hospital that can +cure him of occupation neurosis and writer's cramp." A careful study of +other newspapers shows that offers of handsome remuneration for cures are +not confined to those who have suffered from the War, but are made by +civilians and officials of the highest position in public life. We append a +few outstanding examples of the splendid opportunities now provided to +psycho-pathological specialists:-- + +A Cabinet Minister of massive physique, perfect self-confidence and +immovable determination, who has had varied experience in different +business callings and (up to a certain point) unvarying success, offers +five thousand pounds to any professor of deportment or member of the Old +Nobility in reduced circumstances who will impart to him suavity of manner, +tact and diplomatic courtesy, the lack of which constitutes the sole +obstacle to his achieving immortality. If the instructor can succeed in +making him (the Cabinet Minister) really beloved the honorarium will be +doubled. + +An Editor of thirty years' experience as a journalist, first-rate linguist, +deeply versed in geography, Central European politics, etc., will give five +hundred pounds to any mental specialist, registered or unregistered, who +will cure him of an irresistible temptation on all occasions, with or +without provocation, to utilise every incident, occurrence, calamity or +disaster as a means of assailing and undermining the position of the +Coalition Government in general and the PRIME MINISTER in particular. + +A Member of Parliament, formerly attached to one of His Majesty's services, +is prepared to offer fifty pounds to any phrenologist who without +inflicting undue pain will reduce or remove the Bump of Curiosity which at +present impels him without rhyme or reason to bombard Ministers with +irrelevant questions contrary to the public interest and calculated to +produce the maximum amount of irritation even amongst Members who sit on +the same side of the House. + +A Peer of great wealth, striking physiognomy, affectionate disposition and +wonderful general knowledge will pay the sum of twenty thousand pounds to +any psychiatric practitioner who succeeds in eliminating from his system +the microbe of filmolatry, the ravages of which have latterly threatened to +infect his monumental mind with histrionic monomania highly deleterious to +the best interests of the community. + +A neo-Georgian poet, disciple of FREUD, pacificist and vegetarian, will +gladly pay five pounds to any psychopathic suggestionist who will extirpate +from his subconsciousness the lingering relics of an antipathy to +syncopated rhythms which retard his progress towards a complete mastery of +the technique of amorphous bombination. + + * * * * * + +ANOTHER "SUBSTITUTE." + + "For the first time on record snow has fallen at Albany, Western + Australia. + + The Food Ministry announces that this surplus will therefore be + available for home jam-making."--_Provincial Paper._ + + * * * * * + + "The Roman poets, all of them inveterate Cockneys, talk of the joys of + the country, of purling streams and lowing kine and frisking lamps."-- + _Weekly Paper._ + +And their verses occasionally smell of them. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Prospective Mistress._ "ARE YOU A CONSISTENTLY EARLY +RISER?" + +_Maid._ "NOT ARF! WHY, MUM, IN MY LAST PLACE THE MASTER'S PET NAME FOR ME +WAS 'THE EARLY WORM.'"] + + * * * * * + +OUR BOOKING-OFFICE. + +(_By Mr. Punch's Staff of Learned Clerks._) + +_Rescue_ (DENT) is a story in the authentic manner of Mr. JOSEPH CONRAD at +his unapproachable best. If it is true, as one has heard, that the book was +begun twenty-five years ago and resumed lately, this explains but does +nothing to minimize a fact upon which we can all congratulate ourselves. +The setting is the shallow seas of the Malay coast, where _Lingard_, an +adventurer (most typically CONRAD) whose passion in life is love for his +brig, has pledged himself to aid an exiled young Rajah in the recovery of +his rights. At the last moment however, when his plans are at point of +action, the whole scheme is thwarted by the stranding of a private yacht +containing certain persons whose rescue (complicated by his sudden +subjection to the woman of the party) eventually involves _Lingard_ in the +loss of fortune and credit. Perhaps you can suppose what Mr. CONRAD makes +of a theme so congenial; how the tale moves under his hand in what was once +well called that "smoky magnificence" of atmosphere, just permitting the +reader to observe at any moment so much and no more of its direction. Of +the style it would now be superfluous to speak. It has been given to Mr. +CONRAD, working in what is originally a foreign medium, to use it with a +dignity unsurpassed by any of our native craftsmen. Such phrases as (of the +prudent mate remonstrating with _Lingard_): "What he really wanted was to +have his existence left intact, for his own cherishing and pride;" or +again, "The situation was too complicated to be entrusted to a cynical or +shameless hope," give one the quick pleasure of words so delicately and +deftly used as to seem newly coined. _Rescue_, in short, is probably the +greatest novel of the year, one by which its author has again enriched our +literature with work of profound and moving quality. + + * * * * * + +I was inclined to flatter myself that nothing in the plot of _The Silver +Tea-shop_ (STANLEY PAUL) could possibly take me by surprise, but I found +towards the end that Miss E. EVERETT GREEN had contrived to slip in the +real villain all unsuspected while I, as she meant me to, was staring hard +at the supposed one, so that there I must acknowledge myself defeated. With +a stolen invention, an old gentleman found shot in his room, and a son +under a vow to avenge his father, the story provides plenty of thrills, and +the "Silver Tea-shop" itself has the fascination that business ventures in +books often exercise. It seems to be run on such lavish lines for the +prices charged that I found myself looking hungrily for its address. I wish +the author had not referred to her hero as having "mobile digits" and +burdened her ingenuous story with anything so important as a prologue. By +making the villain's deserted offspring not one baby girl only, or even +twins, but triplets, Miss EVERETT GREEN provides waitresses all of one +family for the "Silver Tea-shop," and that, though a happy arrangement, is +a little too uncommon to add to the likelihood of an unconvincing tale. + + * * * * * + +When a book is succinctly labelled _Love Stories_ (DORAN), at least no one +has any right to complain that he wasn't warned beforehand of the character +of its contents. As a matter of fact, human nature being what it is, I have +little doubt that Mrs. MARY ROBERTS RINEHART has hit upon a distinctly +profitable title. Indeed I believe that this has already been proved in the +Land of Freedom, from which the work comes to us, where (I am given to +understand) the vogue of sentimental fiction is even greater than with +ourselves. What the name does nothing to indicate is that the stories are +almost all of them laid in or about hospital wards. For some, perhaps most, +of the author's admirers this may serve only to increase the charm; for +others, who prefer their romance unflavoured with iodoform, not. Undeniable +that she has a smiling way with her, and a gift of sympathetic enjoyment +that carries off the old, old dialogues, even imparting freshness to the +tale of the patient _in extremis_ who persuades his attractive nurse into a +death-bed marriage, treatment that the slightest experience of fiction +should have warned her to be invariably curative. Perhaps the best of the +tales is "Jane," which tells very amusingly the results of a hospital +strike that in actual life would, I imagine, have provided little humorous +relief. By this time you may have gathered that what matters about Mrs. +RINEHART is not what she says but the way that she says it; upon which hint +you can act as fancy dictates. + + * * * * * + +I very distinctly feel that "KATHARINE TYNAN" could have made a first-rate +novel of _Denys the Dreamer_ (COLLINS) and have had plenty over for a good +second if she had taken the trouble. But her fluent pen runs away with her +down paths that lead nowhere in particular, instead of developing her main +characters and situations to an intelligible and satisfactory point. +_Denys_ is of a gentle Irish family that has come down to very small +farming. He dreams good, solid and rather Anglo-Saxon dreams of draining +bogs on the sea-coast estates of _Lord Leenane_, whose agent he becomes +(and whose daughter he loves from afar), and of a great port that is to +rival Belfast. Unexpected, not to say incredible, assistance comes from a +Jew money-lender and his wife. The portraits of _Mr._ and _Mrs. Aarons_ are +the best things in the book, and I hope Mrs. HINKSON will make a novel +about these two admirable people some day soon. _Denys_ makes his own and +his patron's fortune and I am sure lives happily ever after with _Dawn_, +who is the palest wraith of a girl, owing to the shameful neglect of her +author, who is too busy putting large sums of money into the pockets of the +principal puppets. Indeed, for a West Coast of Ireland story a demoralising +amount of money is going about. + + * * * * * + +The principal scenes of _The North Door_ (CONSTABLE) are laid in the +Cornwall of some hundred-and-thirty years ago, and I welcome Dr. GREVILLE +MACDONALD as an expert in the Cornish language and character. Cornwall, as +all readers of fiction know, has during the last few years been attacked +again and again by novelists, and most of them would do well to study Dr. +MACDONALD'S romance and most thoroughly to digest it. In form, however, he +will have little to teach them, for his book is very indifferently +constructed. It may seem ungrateful in these rather skimpy days to complain +of a surfeit of matter, but there is stuff in this book for two if not +three novels. One cannot blame Dr. MACDONALD for his indignation at the +miseries of child-labour, but here it is perhaps out of place. His _Mr. +Trevenna_, the mystical parson, friend of smugglers and of everyone who +suffered from laws (unrighteous or righteous), is a great figure; and I +shall not soon forget either his correspondence with _Lady Evangeline +Walrond_ or his superhuman kindliness of heart. If you want to get at the +true flavour of Cornwall you have only to open _The North Door_. + + * * * * * + +A young clerk in an insurance office, who wanted to go as a missionary to +India, is the hero, if there is one, of Mrs. ALICE PERRIN'S latest novel, +_The Vow of Silence_ (CASSELL). I have never read a book about India which +made such an ambition seem more courageous, for it gives such a hot and +thirsty picture of that country when _Harold Williams_ at last reaches it +that it is positively uncomfortable to read it in Summer weather. _Harold_ +and his brother and sister missionaries live in a state of stuffy +discomfort which soon undermines his health and leaves him no defence +against the charms of _Elaine Taverner_, who has a large cool drawing-room +and dainty frocks, and a young soldier lover and an old scholar husband, +and all the other things we expect of pretty young women in Anglo-Indian +novels. Poor _Harold_, consumed at once by a zeal which makes him long to +save _Elaine's_ soul and a passion which makes him embrace a parcel of her +_lingerie_, very naturally loses the remains of his reason and paves the +way for her marriage with her lover by obligingly pushing the elderly +husband into the jaws of a crocodile. If it were more convincing it would +be a painful story--in some hands it might have been a great one; as it is, +Mrs. PERRIN seems for once to have missed her opportunity. + + * * * * * + +If the publisher of _About It And About_ had told me on the wrapper that +Mr. D. WILLOUGHBY has an excellent fund of literary reminiscence, on which +he draws for the modelling of a very pretty epigrammatical style, I should, +after reading the book, have agreed with him heartily. What Mr. T. FISHER +UNWIN does say about these short essays, which embrace most of the subjects +on which people have violent opinions, is that the author's "point of view +is that of the natural historian making an unprejudiced examination." An +unprejudiced man, I take it, is a man whose sentiments are the same as +mine, and I happen to disagree with Mr. WILLOUGHBY as profoundly as +possible on several of the themes he has chosen. On fox-hunting, for +instance, which he considers a more decadent sport than bull-fighting; and +on Ulster, which he attacks bitterly by comparison with the rest of +Ireland, for cherishing antiquated political animosities and talking about +the Battle of the Boyne. But will Mr. WILLOUGHBY not have been hearing of +"the curse of CROMWELL"? Let us rather agree to be impatient with Yorkshire +for her absurd tranquillity with regard to WILLIAM THE FIRST. I repeat that +Mr. WILLOUGHBY has a very clever style, but, bless his heart, he is as +bigoted as I am myself. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Occupant of Pew._ "ENTIRELY SELF-MADE. ORIGINALLY A WAITER, +AS YOU CAN SEE."] + + + + + + +End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. +159, July 14th, 1920, by Various + +*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH *** + +***** This file should be named 16592.txt or 16592.zip ***** +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: + https://www.gutenberg.org/1/6/5/9/16592/ + +Produced by Jonathan Ingram, Keith Edkins and the Online +Distributed Proofreading Team at https://www.pgdp.net + + +Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions +will be renamed. + +Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no +one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation +(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without +permission and without paying copyright royalties. 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