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diff --git a/16401.txt b/16401.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..31c8f52 --- /dev/null +++ b/16401.txt @@ -0,0 +1,1971 @@ +The Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 158, +February 18th, 1920, by Various + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 158, February 18th, 1920 + +Author: Various + +Release Date: July 31, 2005 [EBook #16401] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ASCII + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH *** + + + + +Produced by Jonathan Ingram, Keith Edkins and the Online +Distributed Proofreading Team at https://www.pgdp.net + + + + + +PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. + +VOL. 158. + + + +February 18th, 1920. + + + + +CHARIVARIA. + +Writing in the _Echo de Paris_ "PERTINAX" asks Mr. LLOYD GEORGE to make +some quite clear statement regarding his advice to electors. There is more +innocence in Paris than you might suppose. + +* * * + +Professor WALLER has demonstrated by experiment that emotion can be +measured. At the same time he discouraged the man who asked for a couple of +yards of Mr. CHURCHILL'S feelings when reading _The Morning Post_. + +* * * + +Sir THOMAS LIPTON'S challenge for the America Cup has been accepted by the +New York Yacht Club. It appears that neither Mr. Secretary DANIELS nor +"President" DE VALERA was consulted. + +* * * + +Widespread alarm has been caused in London by the report that a certain +famous artist has threatened to paint a Futurist picture of a typical +O.B.E. + +* * * + +A Dutch paper reminds us that the ex-CROWN-PRINCE has taken a Berlin +University degree. We can only suppose that nobody saw him take it. + +* * * + +In the case of a will recently admitted to probate it was stated that the +testator had disposed of over seven hundred thousand pounds in less than a +hundred words. It is not expected that the Ministry of Munitions will take +this lying down. + +* * * + +It is said that unless the new Unemployment Insurance is an improvement on +the present rates quite a number of deserving people will be thrown into +work. + +* * * + +Much sympathy is felt for the burglars who broke into a house at Herne Hill +last week. Unfortunately for them the grocer's bill had been paid the +previous day. + +* * * + +We gather that, if DEMPSEY still refuses to come to London to fight +CARPENTIER, Mr. COCHRAN will arrange to take London out to him. + +* * * + +The Lobby Correspondent of _The Daily Express_ states that it has been +suggested that the PREMIER should take a long voyage round the world. It +would be interesting to know whether the proposal comes from England or the +world. + +* * * + +"The honest man in Germany," says Herr HAASE, "will not agree to hand over +the German officers to the British." We think it would be only fair if +Germany would send us the name and address of this honest man. + +* * * + +Leather is being used in the new Spring suits, says a daily newspaper. +Smith Minor informs us that he always derives greater protection from the +use of a piece of stout tin. + +* * * + +The collecting of moleskins has been forbidden by the Belgian Government +except in gardens. Lure the beast into the strawberry bed by imitating the +bark of the wild slug and the rest is mere spade-work. + +* * * + +We understand that there is some talk of Lord FISHER giving up work and +retiring into politics. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: THE CRIME WAVE. + +_ALI BABA_ REPEATING ITSELF. FORTY THIEVES DISCOVERED AT A LONDON RAILWAY +STATION.] + + * * * * * + +MATRIMONIAL ECONOMY. + + "Travelling in a becoming suit of Copenhagen blue with hat to match the + newly weds left on the Duluth train."--_Canadian Paper._ + + * * * * * + + "She looked as Eurydice when her captor-King carried her away from + earth and gave her instead the queenship of Hell."--_"Daily Mail" + Feuilleton._ + +Presumably Persephone had secured a decree _nisi_. + + * * * * * + + "These cowardly murders and attempted assassinations are abhorrent to + the national mind, whatever its political views may be, and it will not + seek to exterminate in any way the position of those who have any share + in them."--_Provincial Paper._ + +We still think extermination is the best thing for them. + + * * * * * + +A SELFLESS PARTY. + + ["They (the electorate) know that we (the Labour Party) are not, and + never will be, merely concerned in the interests of one particular + class."--_Mr. THOMAS in "The Sunday Times."_ + + "Nationalization was proposed not to gain increased wages for workers, + but in the national interest.... They were prepared to produce to the + last ounce of their capacity to give to the nation and to humanity all + the coal they required. If he thought that this scheme was intended to + or would give the miners an advantage at the expense of the State he + would oppose it."--_Mr. BRACE, in the House of Commons._] + + Though Comrade SMILLIE keeps a private passion + That yearns to see Sinn Fein upon its own, + Clearly we cannot put our Unions' cash on + Men with a motto like "OURSELVES ALONE;" + To us all folk are brothers + And on our bunting runs the rede, "FOR OTHERS." + + Our hearts are ever with the poor consumer; + We long to give his sky a touch of blue; + To doubt this fact is to commit a bloomer, + To falsify our record, misconstrue + The ends we struggle for, + As illustrated in the recent War. + + We struck from time to time, but not at Caesar, + Not to secure the highest pay we could; + Our loyalty kept gushing like a geyser; + We had for single aim the common good; + Who treads the path of duty + May well ignore the cry of "_Et tu, Brute!_" + + Humanity's the cause for which we labour; + The hope that spurs us on to do our best + Is "O that I may truly serve my neighbour, + And prove the love that burns within my breast, + And save his precious soul + By a reduction in the cost of coal!" + + Nationalize the mines, and there will follow + More zeal (if possible) in him that delves; + Our eager altruists will simply wallow + In work pursued for others (not themselves), + Thrilled with the noble thought-- + "My Country's all to me and Class is naught!" + + O.S. + + * * * * * + +A STORY WITH A POINT. + +(_With Mr. Punch's apologies for not having sent it on to "The +Spectator."_) + +Geoffrey has an Irish terrier that he swears by. I don't mean by this that +he invokes it when he becomes portentous, but he is always annoying me with +tales, usually untruthful, of the wonderful things this dog has done. + +Now I have a pointer, Leopold, who really is a marvellous animal, and I +work off tales of his doings on Geoffrey when he is more than usually +unbearable. + +Until a day or two ago we were about level. + +Although Geoffrey knows far more dog stories than I do, and has what must +be a unique memory, I have a very fair power of invention, and by working +this gift to its utmost capacity I have usually been able to keep pace with +him. + +As I said, the score up to a few days ago was about even; yesterday, +however, was a red-letter day and I scored an overwhelming victory. Bear +with me while I tell you the whole story. + +I was struggling through the porridge of a late breakfast when Geoffrey +strolled in. I gave him a cigarette and went on eating. He wandered round +the room in a restless sort of way and I could see he was thinking out an +ending for his latest lie. I was well away with the toast and marmalade +when he started. + +"You know that dog of mine, Rupert? Well, yesterday--" + +I let him talk; I could afford to be generous this morning. He had hashed +up an old story of how this regrettable hound of his had saved the +household from being burnt to death in their beds the night before. + +I did not listen very attentively, but I gathered it had smelt smoke, and, +going into the dining-room, had found the place on fire and had promptly +gone round to the police-station. + +When he had finished I got up and lit a pipe. + +"Not one of your best, Geoffrey, I'm afraid--not so good, for instance, as +that one about the coastguard and the sea-gulls; still, I could see you +were trying. Now I'll tell you about Leopold's extraordinary acuteness +yesterday afternoon. + +"We--he and I--were out on the parade, taking a little gentle after- +luncheon exercise, when I saw him suddenly stop and start to point at a man +sitting on one of the benches a hundred yards in front of us; but not in +his usual rigid fashion; he seemed to be puzzled and uncertain whether, +after all, he wasn't making a mistake." + +Here Geoffrey was unable to contain himself, as I knew he would be. + +"Lord! That chestnut! You went and asked the man his name and he told you +that it was Partridge." + +"No," I said, "you are wrong, Geoffrey; his name, on inquiry, proved to be +Quail. But that was only half the problem solved. Why, I thought, should +Leopold have been so puzzled? And then an idea struck me. I went back to +the man on the bench and, with renewed apologies, asked him if he would +mind telling me how he spelt his name. He put his hand into his pocket and +produced a card. On it was engraved, 'J.M. QUAYLE.' Then I understood. It +was the spelling that puzzled Leopold." + + * * * * * + +THE NEW APPEAL. + +We observe with interest the latest development in the London Press--the +appearance of the new Labour journal, _The Daily Nail_. + +In the past, attempts to found a daily newspaper for the propagation of +Labour views have not always met with success. Possibly the fault has been +that they made their appeal too exclusively to the Labour public. We +understand that every care will be taken that our contemporary shall under +no circumstances be a financial failure. + +_The Daily Nail_ is a bright little sheet, giving well-selected news, +popular "magazine" and "home" features, and, on the back page, a number of +pictures. It has a strong financial section, a well-informed Society +column, and a catholic and plentiful display of advertisements, including +announcements of many of those costly luxuries which Labour to-day is able +to afford. + +While in its editorial comments it suggests emphatically that the +Government of the day is not and never can be satisfactory, it refrains +from embarrassing our statesmen with too many concrete proposals for +alternative methods. + +We learn that the new Labour daily is substantially backed by a nobleman of +pronounced democratic ideals. From his Lordship down to the humblest +employee there exists among the staff a beautiful spirit of fellowship +unmarked by social distinction. + +"Good morning, comrade," is the daily greeting of his Lordship to the +lift-boy, who replies with the same greeting, untarnished by servility. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: THE NEW COALITION. + +Mr. ASQUITH (_to Viscount CHAPLIN and Lord ROBERT CECIL_). "THANKS, MY +FRIENDS--THANKS FOR YOUR LOYAL SUPPORT. DO MY EYES DECEIVE ME, OR DO I SEE +BIG BEN?"] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Son of House_ (_entertaining famous explorer and +distinguished professor_). "IT WOULD ASTONISH YOU FELLOWS IF I TOLD YOU +SOME OF THE THINGS I'VE SEEN AND HEARD--THOUGH I'M, COMPARATIVELY SPEAKING, +A YOUNG MAN--TWENTY-TWO, TO BE EXACT."] + + * * * * * + +THE INSOMNIAC. + +Miss Brown announced her intention of retiring to roost. Not that she was +likely to sleep a blink, she said; but she thought all early-Victorian old +ladies should act accordingly. + +She asked Aunt Angela what she took for her insomnia. Aunt Angela said she +fed it exclusively on bromides. Edward said he gave his veronal and +SCHOPENHAUER, five grains of the former or a chapter of the latter. + +They prattled of the dietary and idiosyncrasies of their several insomnias +as though they had been so many exacting pet animals. Miss Brown then asked +me what I did for mine. + +Edward spluttered merrily. "He rises with the nightingale, comes bounding +downstairs some time after tea and wants to know why breakfast isn't ready. +Only last week I heard him exhorting Harriet to call him early next day as +he was going to a dance." + +They all looked reproachfully at me because I didn't keep a pet insomnia +too. I spoke up for myself. I admitted I hadn't got one, and what was more +was proud of it. All healthy massive thinkers are heavy sleepers, I +insisted. They must sleep heavily to recuperate the enormous amount of +vitality expended by them in their waking hours. Sleep, I informed my +audience, is Nature's reward to the blameless and energetic liver. If they +could not sleep now they were but paying for past years of idleness and +excess, and they had only themselves to blame. I was going on to tell them +that an easy conscience is the best anodyne, etc., but they snatched up +their candles and went to bed. I went thither myself shortly afterwards. + +I was awakened in the dead of night by a rapping at my door. + +"Who's there?" I growled. + +"I--Jane Brown," said a hollow voice. + +"What's the matter?" + +"Hush, there are men in the house." + +"If they're burglars tell 'em the silver's in the sideboard." + +"It's the police." + +I sat up in bed. "The police!--why?--what?" + +"Shissh! come quickly and don't make a noise," breathed Miss Brown. + +I hurried into a shooting-jacket and slippers and joined the lady on the +landing. She carried a candle and was adequately if somewhat grotesquely +clad in a dressing-gown and an eider-down quilt secured about her waist by +a knotted bath-towel. On her head she wore a large black hat. She put her +finger to her lips and led the way downstairs. The hall was empty. + +"That's curious," said Miss Brown. "There were eighteen mounted policemen +in here just now. I was talking to the Inspector--such a nice young man, an +intimate friend of the late Sir CHRISTOPHER WREN, who, he informs me +privately, did _not_ kill Cock Robin." + +She paused, winked and then suddenly dealt me three hearty smacks--one on +the shoulder, one on the arm and one in the small of the back. I removed +myself hastily out of range. + +"Tarantulas, or Peruvian ant-bears, crawling all over you," Miss Brown +explained. "Fortunate I saw them in time, as their suck is fatal in +ninety-nine cases out of a million, or so GARIBALDI says in the _Origin of +Species_." She sniffed. "Tell me, do you smell blood?" + +I told her that I did not. + +"I do," she said, "quite close at hand too. Yum-yum, I like warm blood." +She looked at me through half-closed eyelids. "I should think you'd bleed +very prettily, very prettily." + +I removed myself still further out of range, assuring her that in spite of +my complexion I was in reality anaemic. + +She pointed a finger at me. "I know where those policemen are. They're in +the garden digging for the body." + +"What body?" I gasped. + +"Why, EINSTEIN'S, of course," said Miss Brown. "Edward murdered him last +night for his theory. Didn't you suspect?" + +I confessed that I had not. + +"Oh, yes," she said; "smothered him with a pen-wiper. I saw him do it, but +I said nothing for Angela's sake, she's so refined." + +She darted from me into the drawing-room. I followed and found her standing +before the fireplace waving the candle wildly in one hand, a poker in the +other and sniffing loudly. + +"We must save Edward," she said; "we must find the body and hide it before +they can bring in a writ of _Habeas Corpus_. It is here. I can smell blood. +Look under the sofa." + +She made a flourish at me with her weapon and I at once dived under the +sofa. I am a brave man, but I know better than to withstand people in Miss +Brown's state of mind. + +"Is it there?" she inquired. + +"No." + +"Then search under the carpet--quickly!" + +She swung the poker round her head and I searched quickly under the carpet. +During the next hour, at the dictates of her and her poker, I burrowed +under a score of carpets, swarmed numerous book-cases, explored a host of +cupboards, dived under a multitude of furniture and even climbed into the +open chimney-place of the study, because Miss Brown's nose imagined it +smelt roasting flesh up there. These people must be humoured. When I came +down (accompanied by a heavy fall of soot) the lady had vanished. I rushed +into the hall. She was mounting the stairs. + +"Where are you going now?" I demanded. + +She leaned over the balustrade and nodded to me, yawning broadly: "To +Edward's room. He must have taken the corpse to bed with him." + +"Stop! Hold on! Come back," I implored, panic-stricken. Miss Brown held +imperviously on. I sped after her, but mercifully she had got the rooms +mixed in her decomposed brain and, instead of turning into Edward's, walked +straight into her own and shut the door behind her. I wedged a chair +against the handle to prevent any further excursions for the night and +crept softly away. + +As I went I heard a soft chuckle from within, the senseless laughter, as I +diagnosed it, of a raving maniac. + + * * * * * + +I got down to breakfast early next morning, determined to tell the whole +sad story and have Miss Brown put under restraint without further ado. + +Before I could get a word out, however, the lunatic herself appeared, +looking, I thought, absolutely full of beans. She and Aunt Angela exchanged +salutations. + +"I hope you slept better last night, Jane." + +"Splendidly, thank you, Angela, except for an hour or so; but I got up and +walked it off." + +"Walked it off! Where?" + +"All over the house. Most exciting." + +"Do you mean to say you were walking about the house last night all by +yourself?" Aunt Angela exclaimed in horror. + +Miss Brown shook her grey head. "Oh, no, not by myself. Our sympathetic +young friend had a touch of insomnia himself for once and was good enough +to keep me company." She smiled sweetly in my direction. "He was _most_ +entertaining. I've been chuckling ever since." + +PATLANDER. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Urchin_ (_who has been "moved on" by emaciated policeman_). +"AIN'T YER GOT A COOK ON YOUR BEAT?"] + + * * * * * + +OUR SPARTAN EDITORS. + + "WANTED: THE CAT. By Horatio Bottomley."--_John Bull._ + + * * * * * + +MARDI GRAS. + +(_With the British Army in France._) + +"Have you reflected, _mon chou_," said M'sieur Bonneton, complacently +regarding the green carnations on his carpet-slippers, "that to-morrow is +Mardi Gras?" + +"I have," replied Madame shortly. + +"One may expect then, _ma petite,_ that there will be _crepes_ for dinner?" + +"With eggs at twelve francs the dozen?" said Madame decidedly. "One may +not." + +On any other matter M'sieur would probably have taken his wife's decision +as final, but he had a consuming passion for _crepes_, and was moreover a +diplomat. + +"_La vie chere!_" he said sadly; "it cuts at the very vitals of +hospitality. With what pleasure I could have presented myself to our +amiable neighbours, the Sergeant-Major Coghlan and his estimable wife, and +said, 'It is the custom in France for all the world to eat _crepes_ on +Mardi Gras. Accept these, then, made by Madame Bonneton herself, who in the +making of this national delicacy is an incomparable artist.' But when eggs +are twelve francs the dozen"--he shook his head gloomily--"generous +sentiments must perish." + +Madame perceptibly softened. + +"Perhaps, after all, I might persuade that miser Dobelle to sell me a few +at ten francs the dozen," she murmured; and M'sieur knew that diplomacy had +won another notable victory. + +Curiously enough, at this precise moment the tenants of the _premier etage_ +of 10 _bis_, rue de la Republique, were also engaged in a gastronomic +discussion. + +"If almanacs in France count as they do in Aldershot," said Mrs. Coghlan, +"to-morrow will be Shrove Tuesday." + +"An' what av it?" demanded Sergeant-Major Coghlan of the British Army. + +"What of it? As though ye'd not been dreaming of pancakes this fortnight +an' more past--fearful to mention thim an' fearful lest I should forget. +Well, well, if ye'll bring a good flour ration in the marning I'll do me +best." + +"I've been thinking, Peggy lass," said the gratified Sergeant-Major, "it +wud be the polite thing to make a few for thim dacent people on the +ground-flure. I'll wager they've niver seen th' taste av' a pancake in this +country." + +Thus it was that when Hippolyte Lariviere, the cornet-player of the Palais +de Cinema, ascended the stairs to his eerie on the top-floor of 10 _bis_ +the following evening the appetising odour of frying batter enveloped him +as a garment. He sniffed appreciatively. + +"_Le gros_ Bonneton can eat _crepes_ freely without considering the effect +on his temperament," he said. "One sometimes regrets the demands of Art." + +Outside the Coghlans' door another idea struck him. "The essence of a +present lies not in its value but its appropriateness. A few _crepes_ on +Mardi Gras would be a novel acknowledgment to the Sergeant-Major of his +liberality in the way of cigarettes. At present my case is empty." + +Retracing his steps he went to the Cafe aux Gourmets and persuaded the +_proprietaire_ to prepare half-a-dozen _crepes_ with all possible speed and +send them piping-hot to his room in exchange for a promise of his influence +in getting her on the free list of the Cinema. Then, in a glow of virtue, +he returned to prepare his toilette for the evening performance. + +It was while Hippolyte was dabbing his cheeks with a damp towel that +M'sieur Bonneton and Sergeant-Major Coghlan, having comfortably satisfied +their respective appetites with _crepes_ and pancakes, proceeded to call +upon each other, bearing gifts. The dignity of the presentations was +impaired by the fact that they almost collided on the stairs. + +"Mrs. Coghlan wud like your opinion on these pancakes," said the Sergeant- +Major, dexterously fielding one that was sliding from the plate. + +"And permit me to beg your acceptance of these _crepes_, a dish peculiar to +France and eaten as a matter of custom on Mardi Gras," said M'sieur in his +most correct English, producing his plate with a flourish worthy of a +head-waiter. + +"'Tis with all the pleasure in life we'll be tasting thim--" commenced +Coghlan. Then his eye fell on the dish and his voice dropped. M'sieur was +also showing signs of embarrassment. + +"It seems _crepes_ is but another name for pancakes," said the Sergeant- +Major heavily, after a pause. + +"But yes--and I am already filled to repletion." + +"We've aiten our fill too, Peggy an' me, an' they're spoilt whin they're +cowld. It's severely disappointed Peggy will be to find thim wasted." + +"And Madame will be desolated to despair." + +They stared blankly at each other for a few minutes. Then M'sieur took a +heroic resolve. + +"We must not hurt the feelings of those excellent women," he said firmly. +"There is but one course open to us." + +Coghlan nodded assent. Solemnly and without enthusiasm they sat on the +stairs and consumed the pancakes to the last crumb. Then, leaden-eyed and +breathing hard, they took their empty plates and entered their respective +flats. + +A few minutes later they again encountered on the stairs. Once more they +were laden with comestibles. + +"For Monsieur Lariviere," explained M'sieur. "Madame insisted. She has a +heart of gold, that woman." + +"Peggy's sending these up too," said the Sergeant-Major. "I towld her thim +pancakes was the greatest surprise you iver tasted." + +M'sieur nodded. In response to Hippolyte's invitation they entered the +room, and M'sieur took command of the conversation. The Sergeant-Major +stood stiffly to attention, feeling that the occasion demanded it. + +"Two little gifts," said M'sieur, "of epicurean distinction. The _crepes_ +of Madame Bonneton are an achievement, but the pancakes of Madame Coghlan +are irresistible." + +"I thank you from the recesses of my heart," said Hippolyte with emotion; +"but--you understand me--as the slave of Art I am compelled to forgo such +pleasures." + +"My friend," said M'sieur sternly, to refuse them would be an affront to +the cooking of these excellent ladies. A true housewife esteems her cooking +only next to her virtue. You must _eat_ them--while they are hot." + +"But my _tremolo_--my _sostenuto_ will be ruined," said Hippolyte wildly. + +"What is your _tremolo_ to a woman's tears?" said M'sieur, with an elegance +born of a fear that he might be compelled to eat the pancakes himself. "The +laws of hospitality--chivalry--_l'entente cordiale_ itself--demand that you +finish them." + +When Hippolyte finally yielded, his rapid and efficient despatch of the +dainties excited the admiration of his hosts. They had collected their +plates and were taking their departure, with expressions of regard, when a +knock announced the arrival of a _garcon_ from the Cafe aux Gourmets, +bearing a dish of crisp hot _crepes_. + +"One moment, Messieurs," said Hippolyte dramatically to his departing +visitors. "It must not be said that Hippolyte Lariviere lacks in +neighbourly feeling. Behold my seasonable gift!" + +M'sieur groaned. The Sergeant-Major, being a soldier, concealed his +apprehensions. Wild thoughts of surreptitiously disposing of them in a +coal-bin whirled through their minds, but Hippolyte apparently divined +their thoughts. + +"I regret that I must forgo the pleasure I promised myself of asking the +ladies to take _crepes_ with me," he said. "To offer these would be a poor +compliment to their superlative efforts. But there is no reason why _you_ +should not eat them here." + +"I have an excellent reason," said M'sieur, stroking his waistcoat. "And +the gallant Sergeant-Major, I imagine, has another." + +"Bah! what is a little digestive inconvenience to a breach of courtesy?" +cried Hippolyte maliciously. "You must eat them. _The law of hospitality +demands it._" + +When M'sieur and the Sergeant-Major stumbled unsteadily downstairs ten +minutes later their eyes bulged with the expression of those whose cup of +suffering is filled to overflowing. + +"But after all," as M'sieur remarked, placing his hand on his heart, whence +it insensibly wandered to a point lower down, "it is some satisfaction to +know that the feelings of our excellent wives remain unlacerated." + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: MANNERS AND MODES. + +THE NEW POOR MAKE GOOD.] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: BEHIND THE SCENES IN CINEMA-LAND. + +HE SWORE TO BECOME A CINEMA-ACTOR. + +AND HE DID.] + + * * * * * + +SHATTERED ROMANCES. + +DEAR MR. PUNCH,--I read in a weekly paper that "plans are well in hand for +putting up other Government Department buildings at Acton, which looks to +have a future of its own, that of a sort of suburban Whitehall." + +Have you considered what this new departure means for those who, like +myself, are the writers of political romance? To all intents we have lost +the Ball-platz; we have lost the Wilhelmstrasse, and now here is Whitehall +going out into the suburbs.... No doubt our leading Ministers, attracted by +the more salubrious air, will establish themselves in the environs of the +Metropolis, leaving behind them only the lower class of civil servant. Have +you considered the devastating effect of this change? + +Think what we used to give our readers: "A heavy mist lay over Whitehall. +High above the seething traffic the busy wires hummed with the fate of +Empires." How, I ask you, will it look when they read: "The busy wires +above Lewisham High Street hummed with the fate of Empires"? + +Or think of the thrill that was conveyed by this (it comes in three of my +most recent books): "He looked, with a little catch in the throat, and read +the number, 'Ten'--No. 10, Downing Street, where the finger of fate writes +its decrees while a trembling continent waits, where empires are made and +unmade--the hub of the universe...." Doesn't that make even _your_ heart +beat faster? But who will thrill at this: "He waited for a moment before +the bijou semi-detached villa (bath h. and c.), known as Bella Vista, in +Rule Britannia Road, Willesden Junction; then with a swift glance up and +down he stealthily approached. When the neat maid opened the door, 'Is the +Prime Minister in?' he asked?" (He did not hiss. Who could hiss in that +atmosphere?) + +Or take this from my last book (shall I ever write its like again?): "Men, +bent with the weight of secrets which, if known, would send a shiver +through the Chancelleries of Europe, could be seen hurrying across the Mall +in the pale light and going towards the great building in which England's +foreign policy is shaped and formulated." But the Foreign Office at Swiss +Cottage, or Wandsworth--I could not write of it. And there will be the +India Office at Tooting, or Ponder's End, or at--But how can your "dusky +Sphinx-like faces, wrapt in the mystery of the East, be seen passing the +purlieus of"--the Ilford Cinema? + +But enough, Sir. Let me subscribe myself + +A RUINED MAN. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Teacher._ "WHAT ARE ELEPHANTS TUSKS MADE OF?" + +_Smart Boy._ "PLEASE, TEACHER, IT USED TO BE IVORY; BUT NOW IT'S GENERALLY +BONZOLINE."] + + * * * * * + +A STORM IN A TEA-SHOP. + +A NEW TALE OF A GRANDFATHER. + + You ask me, Tommy, to tell you the really bravest deed + That was ever yet accomplished by one of the bull-dog breed, + And, although the hero was never so much as an O.B.E., + I think I can safely pronounce it the bravest known to me. + + It was not done in the trenches, nor yet in a submarine, + Mine-sweeper or battle-cruiser; it was not filmed on the screen; + For, though the man who performed it had three gold stripes on his + sleeve, + It happened in Nineteen-Twenty, when he was in town on leave. + + He was strolling along the pavement, a pavement packed to the kerb, + When he felt a sudden craving for China's fragrant herb, + So he turned into a tea-shop--as he said, "like a silly fool"-- + Which was patronised by the leaders of the ultra-Georgian school. + + He ordered his tea and muffin, and, as he munched and sipped, + Strange scraps of conversation his errant fancy gripped, + Strange talk of form and metre, of "Wheels" and of SHERARD VINES, + And scorn of TENNYSON, BROWNING and SWINBURNE (of The Pines). + + He listened awhile in silence, but at last the fire grew hot, + When he heard "The Lotus-Eaters" described as "luscious rot"; + And he shouted out in the madness that is one of Truth's allies, + "Old TENNYSON'S little finger is thicker than all your thighs." + + A hush fell on the tea-shop, and then the storm arose + As a chunk of old dry seed-cake took him plumb upon the nose, + And a cup, a generous jorum, of boiling cocoa nibs, + Hurled by a brawny Georgian, struck squarely on his ribs. + + For several hectic minutes the air was thick with buns, + It was almost as bad, so he told me, as the shelling of the Huns, + But our gallant Tennysonian held on until a clout + In the eye from a metal teapot knocked him ultimately out. + + A sympathetic waitress fled off to fetch the police, + Whose opportune arrival caused hostilities to cease, + And they carefully conveyed him to a hospital hard by + Where a skilful surgeon managed to preserve his wounded eye. + + It was from the self-same surgeon that I subsequently learned + The first remark of the victim when his consciousness returned:-- + "The Georgians may shine at shying the crumpet and the scone, + But as poets they're just No Earthly compared with TENNYSON." + + He never got a medal for his exploit, or a star, + And his only decoration was an ugly frontal scar; + But still I hold him highest among heroic men, + This lone Victorian champion in the Georgian lions' den. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: "BED, SIR? HERE IS A GENUINE JACOBEAN, FOR WHICH WE ARE +ASKING ONLY TWO HUNDRED AND FIFTY GUINEAS." + +"WELL, TO TELL YOU THE TRUTH I WASN'T WANTING TO _BUY_ ONE. BUT I CAN'T GET +A BED ANYWHERE IN LONDON, AND I WAS JUST WONDERING IF YOU COULD LET ME +SLEEP IN IT TO-NIGHT."] + + * * * * * + +DOMESTIC STRATEGY. + +I will admit that it was I who gave Mrs. Brackett the idea. But to blame me +for the very unfortunate _denouement_ is ridiculous. + +I met Mrs. Blackett in Sloane Street. + +"I'm on my way to a registry-office," she said. "No, not that kind of +registry-office; I'm not about to commit bigamy. I mean the kind where +domestic assistants are sought, but mostly in vain. I suppose you don't +know of a cook, a kitchenmaid, a housemaid, a parlourmaid and a tweeny?" + +I confessed that I did not. But I told her the story of some friends of +mine who had been in a similar position and had succeeded in reorganising +their establishment by an ingenious strategy. + +"The wife went away to stay with friends in the country," I said, "and the +husband went to the registry-office, representing himself to be a bachelor, +a rather easy-going bachelor. It seems that such establishments are popular +with the few domestic servants still at large. After a short time he let it +be known that he was really married, but separated from his wife; and after +a further interval he called his household together and with tears in his +voice informed them that he and his wife had composed their differences and +that she was returning to him on the morrow. I understand that it was a +complete success." + +Mrs. Brackett was very much impressed by this story. + +"If I don't find anyone to-day I shall try it," she said as we parted. + +She did not find anyone, and, she did try it. She left home the following +day, as I learnt from Brackett when I met him a week later. + +"Your tip's come off absolutely A 1," he said, "and I'm most awfully +obliged. The worry was getting on my wife's nerves. As it is I filled up my +establishment a couple of days ago and, as everything is going well, I've +wired my wife to come home to-morrow." + +"Have you broken it to the maids?" I asked doubtfully. + +"Oh, no; but I shall just tell 'em in the morning," said Brackett. "That'll +be all right." + +I felt at the time that he was being far too precipitate, but he seemed so +confident that I didn't interfere. The sequel was disastrous. + +In the first place Brackett, in his casual way, omitted to say anything +about his being married until Mrs. Brackett was actually in the house. Even +then he seems to have been rather ambiguous in his explanations. Anyway the +new maids were, or affected to be, profoundly shocked. They intimated that +they would never have entered so irregular an establishment had they known, +and departed _en masse_ after spreading a scandal among the tradespeople +which will take the Bracketts twenty years to live down. + + * * * * * + +THE ARRESTING POWER OF BEAUTY. + + "You dreamed of someone with whiskers who made your heart stop beating + in your tiny waist every time he looked at you."--_Home Notes._ + + * * * * * + + "General, good plain cook; L45; flat, Maida Vale; constant hot water." + --_Times._ + +But why tell the poor woman beforehand? + + * * * * * + + "It recalls the distressing aphorism: + + 'Life is real, life is earnest, + And things are not what they seem.'" + +_Liverpool Post and Mercury._ + +For example, this may seem like a quotation from the "Psalm of Life," but +it isn't. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: A TEST OF SAGACITY. + +MR. LLOYD GEORGE. "LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, WITH THE LETTERS I HAVE PLACED +BEFORE HIM OUR LEARNED FRIEND WILL NOW SPELL OUT SOMETHING THAT SIGNIFIES +THE GREATEST HAPPINESS FOR IRELAND." + +THE PIG. "_I_ CAN'T MAKE THE BEASTLY THING SPELL 'REPUBLIC.'"] + + * * * * * + +ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT. + +_Tuesday, February 10th._--As HIS MAJESTY read his gracious speech to the +assembled Lords and Commons did his thoughts flow back for a moment to the +last time he opened Parliament in person? It was on another February 10th, +in 1914, and so little was the coming storm foreseen that the customary +announcement, "My relations with Foreign Powers continue to be friendly," +was followed by a special reference to the satisfactory progress of "my +negotiations with the German Government and the Ottoman Government" +regarding--Mesopotamia, of all places. + +[Illustration: I AM AFRAID I AM GETTING CONTROVERSIAL."--_Mr. Lloyd +George._] + +Since then everything has changed--save one. Ireland remains the skeleton +at the feast. The condition of that unhappy country still causes HIS +MAJESTY "grave concern," to be removed, let us piously hope, by the +promised Home Rule Bill. It is true that, as Lord DUFFERIN said when moving +the Address in the Lords, no one in Ireland appears to want the Bill; but +then, as Colonel SIDNEY PEEL, the Mover in the Commons, remarked with equal +truth, the ordinary rules of thought do not apply to the Irish Question. + +The PRIME MINISTER has lately been advised by a candid friend to take a six +months' holiday "to recover his resilience." Mr. ADAMSON and Sir DONALD +MACLEAN found him nowise lacking in that quality when he came to reply to +their criticisms of the King's Speech. The Labour leader, convinced by a +fortnight in Ireland that the present Administration was all wrong, and +that the Government's Bill would do nothing to improve it, was bluntly +asked, "Are we to withdraw the troops and leave the assassins in charge?" +while the "Wee Free" champion, who had interpreted the recent by-elections +as a sign that the time for the Coalition was past, was unkindly reminded +that, at any rate, the results of these contests had furnished no +encouragement to the party that he adorns. "But I am afraid I am getting +controversial," said Mr. LLLOYD GEORGE, to the amusement of the House, +which had enjoyed his sword-play for half-an-hour; and with that he turned +to the task of defending the new policy in Russia. Having failed to subdue +the Bolshevists by force, we are now going to try the effect of commerce--a +modern reading of "Trade Follows the Flag." The Labour Party cheered the +new departure vociferously, but the rest of the House seemed a little +chilly, and Mr. CHURCHILL, at the PRIME MINISTER'S elbow, looked about as +happy as NAPOLEON on the return from Moscow. + +[Illustration: HILARITY OF MR. CHURCHILL ON HEARING HIS CHIEF'S VIEWS ABOUT +RUSSIA.] + +Lord HUGH CECIL raised the standard of economy, and complained that the +legislative programme was extravagantly long. "A large number of Bills +generally meant a large amount of expenditure." I have myself observed this +phenomenon. + +_Wednesday, February 11th._--The Lords, having disposed of the Address with +their usual celerity, welcomed Baron RIDDELL of Walton Heath (and, perhaps +I may add, Bouverie Street) to their ranks, and then adjourned for a week. + +If all Labour Members possessed the sweet reasonableness of Mr. BRACE we +should view the advent of a Labour Government without any of Mr. +CHURCHILL'S misgivings. The Member for Abertillery argued the case for the +nationalisation of mines so gently and genially that before he sat down I +am sure that a good half of his hearers began to think that, after all, +there was "something in it." Visions of a carboniferous millennium, when +there would be no more strikes and hardly any accidents, and altruistic +colliers would hew their hardest to get cheap and abundant coal for the +community, floated before the mind's eye as Mr. BRACE purred persuasively +along. + +[Illustration: THE PIED PIPER OF ABERTILLERY + +(MR. W. BRACE). + +"FOR HE LED US, HE SAID, TO A JOYOUS LAND + +WHERE WATERS GUSHED AND FRUIT-TREES GREW, + +AND FLOWERS PUT FORTH A FAIRER HUE, + +AND EVERYTHING WAS STRANGE AND NEW."] + +Unfortunately for the Nationalisers Mr. LUNN thought it necessary later to +make a blood-and-thunder oration, threatening all sorts of dreadful things +(including a boycott of the newspapers) if the Miners' demands were +refused. Moreover, he made it clear that coal was only a beginning and that +the Labour Party's ultimate objective was nationalisation all round, and +wound up by reminding the House that "we are many and ye are few." + +The PRIME MINISTER is not the man either to miss a chance or refuse a +challenge. The tone of his reply was set by Mr. LUNN, not by Mr. BRACE; and +though he had plenty of solid arguments to advance against the motion the +most telling passage in his speech was a quotation from "Comrade TROTSKY," +showing what Nationalisation had spelt in Soviet Russia--labour +conscription in its most drastic shape. The nation, he declared, that had +fought for liberty throughout the world would stand to the death against +this new bondage. + +Result: Amendment defeated by 329 to 64. + +_Thursday, February 12th._--This was the first Question-day of the new +Session, and the House was flattered to see Mr. LLOYD GEORGE in his place, +despite the counter-claims of the Peace Conference at St. James's Palace. +Evidently he means this year to "stick to the shop" more closely, in view, +perhaps, of the possible return from Paisley of the old proprietor. + +To a Labour Member's complaint that several ex-Generals had been appointed +as divisional Food officers, Mr. MCCURDY replied that no preference was +given to military candidates. But why not? Where will you find more +competent judges of alimentary questions than in the higher ranks of His +Majesty's Forces? + +In attacking the provisions of the Peace Treaty with Germany as +"impracticable," Sir DONALD MACLEAN revealed himself as a diligent student +of a recent notorious book. Most of his observations--excepting, perhaps, +the statement that he had "no sentimental tenderness for the Germans"--were +marked with the brand of KEYNES, and his assertion that the utmost Germany +could pay was two thousand millions came bodily from that eminent +statistician. To the same inspiration was possibly due the unhappy +suggestion that our chief Ally was pursuing a policy of revenge. + +For this he was promptly pulled up by Lord ROBERT CECIL, who warned him not +to judge the policy of France by the utterances of certain French +newspapers. Lord ROBERT had, however, his own quarrel with the Government, +who, according to his account, had done nothing to set Central Europe on +its legs again, except to send it a certain amount of food--not, one would +would have thought, an altogether bad preliminary. + +It was a pity that Mr. BALFOUR had not a stronger indictment to answer, for +he was dialectically at his best. After complimenting the Opposition leader +on his "charming tones and anodyne temper" he proceeded to take up his +challenge--"if I may call it a challenge." If Germany was in doubt as to +the amount she might be called upon to pay, she had her remedy, for the +Peace Treaty especially provided that she might offer a "lump sum." The +list of war-criminals was long, no doubt, but we had limited our own +demands to those who were guilty of gratuitous brutality. As for the +condition of Central Europe, that was not the fault of the Peace Treaty, it +was the fault of the War, and this country had done all it reasonably could +to remedy it. + +The Opposition insisted on taking a division, and were beaten by 254 to 60. +So far the "doomed Coalition" seems to be doing rather well. + + * * * * * + +A SINGLE HOUND. + + When the opal lights in the West had died + And night was wrapping the red ferns round, + As I came home by the woodland side + I heard the cry of a single hound. + + The huntsman had gathered his pack and gone; + The last late hoof had echoed away; + The horn was twanging a long way on + For the only hound that was still astray. + + While, heedless of all but the work in hand, + Up through the brake where the brambles twine, + Crying his joy to the drowsy land + Javelin drove on a burning line. + + The air was sharp with a touch of frost; + The moon came up like a wheel of gold; + The wall at the end of the woods he crossed + And flung away on the open wold. + + And long as I listened beside the stile + The larches echoed that eerie sound, + Steady and tireless, mile on mile, + The hunting cry of a single hound. + + + W.H.O. + + * * * * * + +"FAMILIES SUPPLIED." + + "Village General Stores Wanted for dis. soldier: also widow and + daughter; price no object if genuine."--_Daily Paper._ + + * * * * * + + "H.B. Playford is 6 feet 5 inches, or thereabouts, in height, has a + fabulous reach, and weighs 13-1/2 stone. He rowed No. 8 in the Jesus + four, beaten by Leander at Henley."--_Times._ + +A fabulous reach indeed! So fabulous that it made the four look as long as +an eight. + + * * * * * + +THE AMALGAMATED SOCIETY OF PASSENGERS. + +"I've hit on something at last," cried Charles exultantly, throwing himself +down on my second-best armchair. + +"I wish you wouldn't hit on it so hard," I complained; "the springs are +half-broken already. What's the trouble?" + +"Have you ever heard," he inquired, "of the black-coated salariat?" + +"The egg of the greater green-backed woodpecker--" + +"It isn't a bird," he said; "it's a class of people that works with its +brains. And the hand of Labour, according to my evening paper, is being +held out to it." + +"But suppose one wears a pepper-and-salt suit," I said, "and writes +'Society Gossip.' What about that?" + +"That's just my point. All these accepted lines of distinction are +absolutely wrong. It isn't what people work at that divides them, it's the +way they travel to their work. Sir THOMAS MALORY knew that. When _Lancelot_ +was going to rescue _Guinevere_ he had his white horse badly punctured by a +bushment of archers and had to finish the journey in a woodcutter's cart. +And that was a great disgrace to him and made the _Queen's_ ladies laugh. +It would be just the same with the typists of a rich employer if his +motor-car broke down and he had to arrive in a bus. How do you get to town +in the morning yourself?" + +"I am a Tuber," I said sadly. "Every bright morning I say I will go by bus, +but when I reach the Tube station the draught sucks me in through the door, +the man grabs me by the collar, throws me into the sink, lifts up the plug +and down we go into the drain-pipe together. I think I have the brand of +Tubal Cain on my brow. It is a kind of perpetual crease--" + +"I too Tube," said Charles; "but I know many eminently respectable bus +people as well. Especially bus-women. They ride about, they tell me, on the +most fantastically labelled vehicles and are always seeing new suburbs swim +into their ken, and gazing-- + + 'Out over London with a wild surmise, + Silent upon a seat of No. 10,' + +or whatever the bally thing may be. But I never join their rash adventures. +I belong to a different _milieu_. I move in a sort of social underworld. +Not that I can deny, of course, that there is a certain amount of +overlapping." + +"I overlapped twice to-day myself," I said, "and as the second one was +knitting a jumper--" + +"And then there are the Tram-ites," he went on. "I don't understand their +world either. The tram, I am told, suddenly plunges with a loud roar like a +walrus under the streets of Holborn and emerges on the Embankment. The +hansom cabs were called the gondolas of London. The trams, I suppose, are +the submarines. But they are not of my life. I do not mingle with them." + +"I mingled with a tram once," I said. "I clasped it warmly by the rail as +it was going by, but I missed the step with my foot. It spurned me rather +badly. But kindly explain what you're driving at." + +"All these classes," said Charles, "have their own friendships, their own +jolts and jars, their own way of being bullied by conductors and thrown +into the mud and squeezed into cages and arranged upon straps. But they +have one great thing in common, distinct though they may be. They are all +passengers, all takers of tickets. There is going to be a Bus Union, a Tube +Union, and a Tram Union, and when necessary they will combine." + +"Against what?" + +"Against the motorists, first and foremost," said Charles. "The opulent +people who ride a-wallop to their offices in cars. Suppose that Ethelinda +Bellairs, who is a trifle absent-minded, has got the sack for typing a +letter like this: 'I beg to acknowledge the receipt of your communication +of the 25th ult., and ask you to note that a sudden sense of indefinable +yearning seized Hephzibah. She closed her eyes and slowly swayed towards +him. Awaiting the favour of an early reply, etc.'--what happens? There is +an immediate strike of the Bus Union until she is reinstated. If necessary +the two other branches of the Amalgamated Society of Passengers are called +out. No case of hardship will be too insignificant for the A.S.P. We shall +all carry a symbol in the shape of a secret season ticket. When the strike +occurs nobody will go to work in the morning. All the stations and +starting-places will be picketed; business will be paralysed." + +"Except for the stout fellows who walk," I suggested. + +"They will find it very lonely at their offices," said Charles. "Nobody +wants to work if there's any excuse to avoid it, and the beauty of the +thing is that we can strike not only against ordinary employers, but +against the raising of fares, and against the N.U.R. or the Vehicle and +Transport Workers Union itself. That will be the quickest strike that has +ever been struck. You can't go on banging lifts and gates and rushing about +in empty buses without anybody to shove into the dirt or any thumbs to snip +bits out of. It takes all the enjoyment out of life." + +"And where exactly do you come in?" I asked. + +"I intend to be the Organising Secretary of the A.S.P.," he said. "It will +be hard work, but very meritorious." + +"Rather a nuisance won't it be on strike days," I inquired, "going round +and visiting a few thousand pickets on foot in your black coat, with the +brain waves working on top?" + +"The O.S. of the A.S.P.," answered Charles magnificently, "will not move +about on foot. He will be provided with a handsome motor-car." + +EVOE. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Constable._ "NOW THEN, WHAT ARE YOU DOIN' UP HERE?" + +_Burglar._ "WOTCHER S'POSE I'M DOIN'? FEEDIN' THE PUSSY-CATS?"] + + * * * * * + + "A van containing L3,000 worth of woollen goods has been stolen from + Broad-street, Bloomsbury. It was left unattended by the driver, who + went into a restaurant for dinner and later was found empty at + Holloway."--_Provincial Paper._ + +We know that kind of restaurant. + + * * * * * + + "ACCOUNTING FOR WOMEN."--_American Paper._ + +We had always been told there was no accounting for them. + + * * * * * + +AT THE PLAY. + +"CARNIVAL." + +Those who imagined that they were to be given a dramatic version of Mr. +COMPTON MACKENZIE'S romance must have been shocked to find that the +entertainment provided at the New Theatre was just a variation, from an +Italian source, of the general idea of _Pagliacci_. But it was the only +palpable shock they sustained, for never did a play run a more obvious +course from start to finish. When you have for your leading character an +actor-manager, who plays the part of _Othello_, with his wife as +_Desdemona_ (how well we know to our cost this conjugal form of nepotism), +and discusses in private life the character of the Moor--whether a man +would be likely to indulge his jealousy on grounds so inadequate--speaking +with the detached air of one who is absolutely confident of his own wife's +fidelity, you don't need much intelligence to foresee what the envy of the +gods is preparing for him. The remainder is only a matter of detail--what +particular excuse, for instance, the lady will find for a diversion, and to +what lengths she will go. + +[Illustration: _Simonetta_ (_Miss HILDA BAYLEY_). "ARE YOU PLEASED WITH MY +FANCY DRESS? IT WAS TO BE A GREAT SURPRISE." + +_Count Andrea_ (_Mr. NEILSON-TERRY_). "NOTHING SURPRISES ME IN THIS PLAY."] + +In the present case her only excuse was the old one, that she was "treated +like a child." Certainly she deserved to be, for her behaviour was of the +most wilful and wayward; but she was the mother of a strapping boy, and a +woman who is thought old enough to play, in the premier Italian company, +the part of _Desdemona_ (with the accent, too, on the second syllable) +could hardly justify her complaint that she was regarded as a juvenile. + +The choice of the Alfieri Theatre for the scene of the culmination of the +domestic drama seemed to touch the extreme of improbability. The actors +were not a poor travelling company of mummers, as in _Pagliacci_, with no +decent private accommodation for this kind of thing. The protagonist of +_Carnival_ was lodged in a perfectly good Venetian palace, where there was +every convenience for having the matter out with his wife and her lover. +For the rest the plot was commonplace to the verge of banality. + +As _Silvio Steno_, in his home life, Mr. MATHESON LANG was excellently +natural, but as _Othello_ his make-up spoilt his nice face and tended to +alienate me. As _Simonetta_ (I got very sick of the name) Miss HILDA BAYLEY +had a difficult part, and failed, from no great fault of her own, to attach +our sympathies, till in the end she explained her rather inscrutable +conduct in a defence which gave us for the first time a sense of sincerity +in her character. There was too much play with her Carnival dress of a +Bacchante, which, perhaps, was less intriguing than we were given to +understand. Mr. DENNIS NEILSON-TERRY has a certain distinction, but he did +not make a very perfect military paramour. His intonation seemed to lack +control, and he has a curious habit of baring his upper teeth when he is +getting ready to make a forcible remark. + +As for the scenes, they were alleged to be Venice (where the Doges wedded +the sea), but there was no visible sign of water. You called for a gondola, +which always sounds better than a taxi, but it never appeared. Perhaps, +however, for one has not always been very happy in one's experiences of +stage navigation, this was just as well. + +O.S. + + * * * * * + +"PETER IBBETSON." + +That incorrigible romanticist, GEORGE DU MAURIER of happy memory, was so +transparently sincere as to be disarming. No use telling him "life's not +like that." "That's just it," he'd say, and get on with his pleasant +illusions. _Peter Ibbetson_ is certainly not tuned to the moods of this +decade, but it would be a pity if we all became too sophisticated to enjoy +such occasional excursions into the land of almost-grown-up make-believe. + +If life doesn't give you what you want, then "cross your legs, put your +hands behind your head," go to sleep and live a dream-life of your own +devising--that is the theme. The bare essentials of the story are that the +beloved _Mimsy_ of _Peter's_ happy childhood becomes the wife of a +distinctly unfaithful duke; while _Peter_ finds himself in prison for +killing his quite gratuitously wicked uncle, and for forty years reprieved +convict and deceived duchess meet in dreams till her death divides and his +again unites them. + +It is a considerable tribute to both author and adapter (the late JOHN +RAPHAEL) that their work should, at the height of the barking season, hold +an audience silent and apparently enthralled, in spite of the handicap +that, in order to make the story in any degree intelligible, much time had +to be given to more or less tedious explanations. + +I will not pretend that the motives of the characters were clear or that +(for me) the phantasy quite passed the test of being translated from the +medium of the written word into that of canvas, gauze and costumed players, +with those scufflings of dim figures in the semi-darkness and that furtive +and by no means noiseless zeal of scene-shifters; or, again, that I was +much attracted by a picture of the life after death, in which opera-going +(please _cf._ Mr. VALE OWEN) figured so prominently. Indeed I think that +the play would be better if it ended with the death of the dreamers and did +not attempt that hazardous last passage. + +But certainly there were quite admirable tableaux and some very intelligent +individual playing--in contrast with the team-work of (particularly) the +First Act, which was ragged and amateurish. + +Mr. BASIL RATHBONE'S _Peter_ was an effective study, avoiding Scylla of the +commonplace and Charybdis of the mawkish--no mean feat. A young man with a +future, I dare hazard; with a gift of clear utterance, and sensibility and +a useful figure. + +It is a good deal to say that Miss CONSTANCE COLLIER so contrived her +_Duchess of Towers_ as to make us understand _Peter's_ worship. + +Miss JESSIE BATEMAN'S _Mrs. Deane_ seemed to me an exceedingly competent +piece of work, and Mr. GILBERT HARE thoroughly enjoyed every mouthful of +_Colonel Ibbetson's_ wickedness, and made us share his appreciation. And +you couldn't accuse him of over-playing, though he certainly looked too bad +to be true. + +Mr. WILLIAM BURCHILL'S little sketch of an old French officer was almost +too poignant. + +Why the landlord of the _Tete Noir_ was got up to resemble Mr. WILL EVANS +so closely is a deep matter I could not fathom, and, if ever I kill my +uncle, may Fate send me a less rhetorical chaplain than Mr. CYRIL SWORDER! + +T. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: THE INTRUDER.] + + * * * * * + +THE ORDER OF THE B.S.O. + +One of the oldest of Mr. Punch's young men thought he would like to hear +some orchestral music on Monday week last, so he dropped in at the Queen's +Hall to assist at a concert of the new British Symphony Orchestra. The name +of the founder and conductor, Mr. RAYMOND ROZE, was already familiar, for +Mr. Punch's young man was old enough to remember Mr. ROZE'S mother, MARIE +ROZE, in her brilliant prime as _prima donna_ of the Carl Rosa Company; and +he is glad to know that she is still living in her beloved Paris, where she +was decorated by M. THIERS for her gallant conduct during the siege of +1870. So it is pleasant to find her son so actively associated in the good +work of finding permanent musical engagements for demobilised soldiers in +the British Symphony Orchestra. + +The B.S.O. men are not home-keeping soldiers. Every one of them has served +over-seas, and it was a pity that their names and the record of their +services were not printed in the programme, for it is a fine and +inspiriting list, and a striking disproof of the old tradition that +musicians must needs be long-haired, sallow and unathletic. Alert and young +and vigorous they appealed to the eye as well as to the ear, and they +played, as they fought, gloriously, these minstrel boys who had all gone to +the War. Strings and woodwind, brass and percussion, all are up to the best +professional level. + +There is no movement which has a stronger claim on all men and women of +goodwill than that for providing employment for demobilized soldiers, and +the British Symphony Orchestra is a first-rate contribution to that +desirable end. The _personnel_ of the orchestra is all that can be desired. +It was bad luck that Mr. RAYMOND ROZE was prevented by illness from +conducting last week, but the band was fortunate in securing an admirable +substitute in Mr. FRANK BRIDGE. Mr. Punch gives the scheme his blessing +without reserve, but with a word of advice. To win for the B.S.O. the +success it deserves will need good judgment as well as energy and +efficiency. The art of programme-framing has to be studied with especial +care in view of the powerful but, we believe, perfectly friendly +competition of other established organizations. Last week's programme had +its _beaux moments_, but it had also at least two _mauvais quarts d'heure_. +The men, however, were splendid. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: MORE ADVENTURES OF A POST-WAR SPORTSMAN. + +_P.W.S._ (_who has taken a Spring fishing_). "AND THIS IS WHAT I'VE PAID +THREE 'UNDRED QUID FOR!"] + + * * * * * + +THE NEW COLOUR: ASQUITHIAN ROSE. + + "To-day everything Asquithian has a rosy hue. To begin with, there + arrived a horseshoe of white chrysanthemums with the words 'Good luck' + worked in green."--_Daily Paper._ + + * * * * * + + "Shakespeare's 'Otehllo' has fallen upon evil days."--_Evening Paper._ + +It certainly seems to be having a bad spell. + + * * * * * + + "The vexed question, 'What is a new-laid egg?' is at present + confronting a committee of poultry experts."--_Daily Telegraph._ + +The Committee should invite a hen to sit on it. + + * * * * * + +An "under-cut":-- + + "Earl Beatty is setting an example in hustle at the Admiralty. + Photographed yesterday hurrying to lunch."--_Daily Paper._ + +His Lordship's example is superfluous. The Admiralty has nothing to learn +about hurrying to lunch. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Mistress._ "CAN YOU EXPLAIN HOW IT IS, JANE, THAT WHENEVER +I COME INTO THE KITCHEN I ALWAYS FIND YOU READING?" + +_Jane._ "I THINK IT MUST BE THEM RUBBER 'EELS YOU WEARS, MA'AM."] + + * * * * * + +OUR BOOKING-OFFICE. + +(_By Mr. Punch's Staff of Learned Clerks._) + +Mr. JOHN HASTINGS TURNER, who had already to his credit a play, a novel and +various successful revues, has now produced, in _A Place in the World_ +(CASSELL), what is, I understand, to some extent a fictional version of his +play. How far this may be so I am uncertain (not having seen the play), but +I am by no means uncertain that it makes here a wholly admirable story, one +moreover that shows a notable advance in Mr. TURNER'S art as novelist, +being firmer in touch and generally more matured than anything he has yet +written. The plot concerns the adventures, spiritual and other, of _Madame +Iris Iranovna_, pampered cosmopolitan beauty, when fate or her own +egotistical whim had dumped her as a temporary dweller in the semi-detached +villas of suburbia. The theme, you observe, is one that might excuse the +wildest farce, since the effect of _Iris_ upon her unfamiliar surroundings +was naturally devastating. Mr. TURNER however has chosen the more ambitious +path of high comedy. In _Iris_ herself, and even more in the kindly old +vicar who so unexpectedly confronts her with her own weapons of wit and +worldly wisdom, he has drawn two characters of genuine and moving humanity. +I shall not tell you how the conflict (essential to real comedy) works +itself out, nor after what fashion the empty brilliance of _Iris_ is +humiliated and transformed. If I have a criticism of Mr. TURNER'S method, +it is that, as with _Bunthorne_, a "tendency to soliloquy" is growing upon +him which will need watching. But he clothes his reflections pleasantly +enough. Already known as what the old lady called "an agreeable +rattlesnake," he has now proved himself a story-teller of conspicuous +promise. + + * * * * * + +VON FALKENHAYN'S _General Headquarters 1914-1916 and its Critical +Decisions_ (HUTCHINSON) seems an honester book than LUDENDORFF'S; less +political, less querulous, less egoistic. VON FALKENHAYN, who was War +Minister when the War began and retained his office after he had superseded +VON MOLTKE as Chief of the General Staff, shows himself incurably Prussian, +refusing even to consider the possibility that any State which could wage +war effectively would hesitate to do so from any ethical or humanitarian +scruple. "Don't bother about a just cause, but see that it appears just +before men," he seems to say. "The surprise effect of gas (at Ypres) was +very great," is all the comment that tragic episode draws from him. He was +a submarine campaign whole-hogger. But he has his own soldierly virtues of +modesty and loyalty, and refuses to air his personal grievances in the +matter of his supersession by the HINDENBURG-LUDENDORFF syndicate. If, as +seems likely, he speaks the truth, as he had opportunity to see it, we must +revise our too flattering estimates of the German superiority in numbers +and attribute a good deal of the stubbornness of their defence to their +quicker appreciation of the character of siege war. The holding of +front-line trenches with few men and consequent immense saving of life was, +according to the General, practised by the German Command long before we +discovered its value. He gives a reasoned criticism, which has to the +layman a plausible air, to the effect that the relative failure of Joffre's +great combined Champagne-Flanders offensive of 1915 was due to the +overcrowding of the attacking armies. General VON FALKENHAYN, though he has +a prejudice for the German soldier, can bring himself to testify to the +valour of his British and French opponent. A readable and conscientious +account of a difficult stewardship. + + * * * * * + +I wish I could feel as enthusiastic about _The Booming of Bunkie_ (JENKINS) +as _Mr. Peter McMunn_, who, falling off a motor-cycle, landed in that quiet +Scots village and proceeded to turn it, by a series of stunts, into a +well-known watering-place. He undertook the job, I gather, partly for a +joke and partly for the bright eyes of _Evelyn Kirbet_, whose father put up +the money for the purposes of publicity and propaganda. The transformation +of a hamlet into a seaside resort has been treated as a sort of +psychological romance by Mr. OLIVER ONIONS in _Mushroom Town_, where the +human beings are a background as it were for the bricks and mortar; Mr. +A.S. NEILL, having chosen to make a farce of it, has provided a hero who +believes in humorous advertisements, and has evidently persuaded the author +to take him at his own valuation. This is hardly to be wondered at, since +_Mr. McMunn_ seems always keener on popping his puns than on selling his +goods. Specimens are given of speeches, press articles, posters and cinema +productions, but the fun rages with the most furious intensity round the +golf links, where eighteen holes have been compressed into the usual space +of one and the winner stands to lose drinks. There are also some parodies +of ROBERT BURNS, some jokes about bathing-machines and some digs at the +Kirk. One has been, of course, before to seaside places that were a bit too +bracing, and I am afraid that the air of Bunkie leaves me cold. + + * * * * * + +I really think that _The World of Wonderful Reality_ (HODDER AND STOUGHTON) +may come to be something of a test for your true follower of Mr. E. TEMPLE +THURSTON. You recall the ingredients that went towards the first, or +_Beautiful Nonsense_, book? Sentiment in the slums, Venice with a very big +V and poverty _passim_ might be regarded as its composition. Well, here you +have _John_ and _Jill_ home again; no more Venice, a palpably decreasing +sentiment and only poverty to fill up with. I am bound to confess that I +found _John's_ protracted preparation for his nuptials rather less than +enough as subject-matter for a whole book. Of course all this time there +remained _Amber_ (you recollect her; she "also ran" for the _John_ stakes), +and at the back of your mind a comfortable conviction that two strings are +still better than one. Having censured the book for insufficient plot, I +had better not proceed to give away what there is. I will content myself +with a personal doubt as to whether _John_ and _Jill_ will quite +reduplicate their former triumph--and that for various reasons, not least +because (for purposes of sequel, I suppose) even _Jill_ herself has been +permitted so grave a lapse from the attitude of stand-anything-so-long-as- +it's-slummy-enough that so endeared her to her former public. Touch that +and the bloom is indeed gone. + + * * * * * + +_With the Chinks_ (LANE), a volume of the "Active Service Series," treats +of the training of Chinese coolies for work with the Labour Corps in the +B.E.F. The special interest of the racial type was, for me, exhausted by +the charming photographs; the task remaining for Mr. DARYL KLEIN, +Lieutenant in the Chinese Labour Corps, of so conveying the atmosphere as +to absorb the reader's attention, was not achieved. On the two main aspects +of the topic, the origin in China and the result in France, he makes no +serious attempt. I got no clear impression of the coolie at home or of why +he took to being an ally, and I was left with but the vaguest conception of +the unit in France, since the narrative ended at the disembarcation. +Lastly, I have with regret to complain of one sentence in particular, where +he tells us: "It is high time I said something about the officers." He had, +from the general reader's point of view, already said too much. It is a +pity to have to speak thus moderately of a war-book obviously written with +care and treating of an enterprise which must have cost much labour in the +achieving and, in the achievement, must have duly contributed to our +victory. For those personally involved it will be a welcome memento. For +the conscientious historian it will have a certain unique value. And in +fairness it must be added that in the latter half there are touches of +humour and humanity which make the reading easy and pleasant. + + * * * * * + +It has been my lot, and I am far from complaining about it, to read many +war-books, but never has my luck been more completely in than when _With +the Persian Expedition_ (ARNOLD) fell into my hands. Major DONOHOE, while +never losing sight of his main object, finds time to tell us a number of +entertaining stories with a sedate humour which is most attractive. Seldom +has an expedition set out on a wilder errand than this of the "Hush-hush" +Brigade, or, as it was officially known, the "Dunsterville" or "Bagdad +Party." It was commanded by General DUNSTERVILLE, and briefly its objects +were to combat Bolshevism, train Persian levies, prevent the Huns and Turks +from threatening India by way of the Caspian Sea, and a few other little +things of the same nature. The men of this "party" were picked men, and it +is enough to say that their courage was as high as their numbers were few. +It is indeed a mystery why any of them escaped with their lives, for, as +experience proved, it was one thing to train Persian levies and another to +get them to fight when they were wanted to. And without the levies the +"Hush-Hush" party was outnumbered again and again. I could have wished that +the excellent map which is firmly embedded in the binding had been +detachable, for the interest of the chronicle compelled me constantly to +refer to it, and I suffered great distraction. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: "IS HE A SAILOR, MUM?" + +"YES, DARLING." + +"THEN WHERE'S HIS PARROT?"] + + * * * * * + +_Sidelights of Song_ (LONG), by Mr. GILBERT COLLINS, contains a few sets of +verse which have appeared in _Punch_. + + + + + + +End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. +158, February 18th, 1920, by Various + +*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH *** + +***** This file should be named 16401.txt or 16401.zip ***** +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: + https://www.gutenberg.org/1/6/4/0/16401/ + +Produced by Jonathan Ingram, Keith Edkins and the Online +Distributed Proofreading Team at https://www.pgdp.net + + +Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions +will be renamed. + +Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no +one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation +(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without +permission and without paying copyright royalties. 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