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diff --git a/16394.txt b/16394.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..1e9566b --- /dev/null +++ b/16394.txt @@ -0,0 +1,2096 @@ +The Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Volume 158, +February 11, 1920, by Various + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: Punch, or the London Charivari, Volume 158, February 11, 1920 + +Author: Various + +Release Date: July 30, 2005 [EBook #16394] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ASCII + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH, OR THE LONDON *** + + + + +Produced by Jonathan Ingram, Keith Edkins and the Online +Distributed Proofreading Team at https://www.pgdp.net + + + + + +PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. + +VOL. 158. + + + +February 11th, 1920. + + + + +CHARIVARIA. + +"If a burglar broke into my house," says Lady BEECHAM, "I should use the +telephone to summon help." Lady BEECHAM seems to have a sanguine +temperament. + +* * * + +Asked how she would act in case a burglar broke into her house, Miss IRIS +HOEY said she would stand before him and recite SHAKSPEARE. If anybody else +had said this we should have suspected a cruel nature. + +* * * + +A libel action arising, out of the representation by a German artist of the +ex-CROWN PRINCE as a baboon is to be heard shortly. It is not yet known who +is to prosecute on behalf of the local Society for the Prevention of +Cruelty to Animals. + +* * * + +Nine thousand officials have been appointed to control the food supplies in +Petrograd. English Government officials regard this arrangement as the work +of an amateur. + +* * * + +It is said that the exchange crisis is regarded by Mr. C.B. COCHRAN as a +deliberate attempt to divert attention from the DEMPSEY contest. + +* * * + +The rumour that CARPENTIER and DEMPSEY, in order to avoid further fuss and +publicity, have decided to fight it out privately, appears to have no +foundation. + +* * * + +Wrexham Education Committee is reconsidering its decision against teaching +Welsh in the elementary schools. The pathetic case of a local man who was +recently convicted of stealing a leg of beef owing to his being unable to +give his evidence in Welsh is thought to have something to do with it. + +* * * + +A domestic servants' union has been formed and an advertisement for a good +plain shop stewardess (two in family; policeman kept) will, we understand, +shortly appear in _The Morning Post_. + +* * * + +During the recent gales on the West Coast of Ireland the anemometer +registered the unprecedented velocity of one hundred-and-ten miles per +hour. A number of cases of anemonia are reported from the Phoenix Park +district. + +* * * + +According to _Men's Wear_, silk hats are to be increased in price by at +least thirty per cent. Is it by this process, we wonder, that they hope to +drive Mr. CHURCHILL out of business? + +* * * + +A pig and sty constituted first prize at a recent whist drive at Bishop's +Waltham. We understand that a difference of opinion between the winner and +the pig as regards the user of the sty has ended fatally for the latter. + +* * * + +It is reported that the Victory badge now being worn extensively in New +York is to be replaced by another bearing the inscription, "We did them." + +* * * + +"I intend to tour England," says a Prohibition lecturer, "and I will not be +hurried." We recommend the railway. + +* * * + +A Tralee man charged with shooting a neighbour said he had no desire to +break the law. It seems that he mistook the man for a policeman. + +* * * + +A French physician declares that a gift for yawning is one of the most +valuable health-assets. This should be good news for revue-producers. + +* * * + +"Honesty," says Dr. INGRAM, "is the best policy after all." All the same +some of our profiteers seem to get along pretty well, thank you. + +* * * + +The egg-laying competition promoted by _The Daily Mail_ has proved a great +success. It is most gratifying to learn that the hens have done their best +for "the paper that got us the shells." + +* * * + +"The influenza microbe," announces a medical journal, "has made its +appearance in many parts of the country and is slowly but surely making its +way towards London." With any other Government than ours a simple +suggestion that the sign-posts _en route_ should be reversed would have +been at once adopted. + +* * * + +During the last four weeks exactly four hundred and ninety-nine rats have +been destroyed in a small town in South Bedfordshire. It is hoped that as +soon as these figures are published a sporting rodent will give itself up +in order to complete the fifth century. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: "WHY HAVEN'T YOU GOT ON SPURS?" + +"I WAS GOING TO SPEAK ABOUT THAT, SIR. I REGRET I ACCIDENTALLY OMITTED TO +PUT THEM ON THIS MORNING, AND CONSEQUENTLY HAVE CAUGHT COLD. SO I WAS GOING +TO ASK YOU TO BE KIND ENOUGH TO GRANT ME LEAVE UNTIL--"] + + * * * * * + + "A champagne support was provided in the lower hall."--_Local Paper._ + +Very sustaining, we feel sure. + + * * * * * + + "The paper supports the proposed formation of a first army of 'shock + troops,' which would be capable of preventing the mobilisation of a + great Germy army."--_Evening Paper._ + +Anything to keep the influenza at bay. + + * * * * * + + "The times for the incubation of the eggs of various birds are as + under:-- + + Ostrich 41 days. + Gnu 49 days."--_Poultry-Keeping._ + +"Gnus, indeed!" said the Emu. + + * * * * * + +TO AMERICA + +(_deferentially hinting how others see her and what they think of her +threatened repudiation of her PRESIDENT'S pledges_). + + When you refuse to sign the Peace + Except with various "reservations," + And prophesy a swift decease + Impinging on the League of Nations; + When you whose arms (we've understood) + Settled the War and wiped the Bosch out + Regard the whole world's brotherhood + As just a wash-out; + + You say, in terms a little blunt, + "This scheme that you are advertising + Was all along a private stunt + Of WILSON'S singular devising; + His game we weren't allowed to know; + Under a misty smile he masked it; + We never gave him leave to go + (He never asked it). + + "And you, poor credulous Allies, + Found in this fellow, self-appointed, + The worth he had in his own eyes + And let him pose as God's anointed; + Taking no sort of pains to see + Whether or not he had a mandate, + Like puppy-dogs the other Three + Out of his hand ate." + + But how if _we_ had queered his claim + Or questioned his credentials, saying, + "Who is this WOODROW What's-his-name? + And what's the _role_ he thinks he's playing? + Is he a Methodist divine? + Or does he boom Chicago bacon?"-- + I think that I can guess the line + You would have taken. + + "Behold a Man," I hear you say, + "Of peerless wit and ripe instruction, + Elect of Heaven and U.S.A.-- + Surely an ample introduction; + He comes to put Creation right; + He brings no chits--he doesn't need 'em; + Who doubts his faith will have to fight + The Bird of Freedom!" + + O.S. + + * * * * * + +"SMALL ADS." + +"Where do you get servants from?" I asked. + +"From small ads.," said Phyllis promptly. + +I picked up the paper from the floor where I had thrown it in the morning. +My wife is one of those rare women who always leave things where you put +them. It is this trait that endears her to me. I ran my trained eye over an +ad. column. + +"Got it at once," I said with pardonable pride. "How's this?--'General +(genuine), stand any test trd. L70 possess. s. hands yrs. s.a.v.'" + +"I like genuine people," said Phyllis thoughtfully. "And under the +circumstances"--(here she looked hard at me, as if I were a circumstance)-- +"under the circumstances I think we ought to have one that will stand any +test. Seventy pounds is out of the question, of course, but she might come +for less when she sees how small we are. What does 's. hands yrs.' stand +for?" + +"I don't know," I said; "I can only think of 'soft hands for years.'" + +"I should like her," said Phyllis. "Their hands are the one thing against +Generals. She must be a nice girl to take such care of them. Think how +careful she'd be with the china. What's 'trd.'?" + +"I'm afraid it must mean tired," I said. + +"Oh, she'd soon get rested here," said Phyllis; "I don't think that need be +against her. She's probably been in a hard place lately. Are there any +more?" + +"Plenty," I said. "How does this one strike you?--'General. no bacon. +possess. 2 rms. L45 wky. s.a.v.'" + +"I like that one," said Phyllis. "She must be an awfully unselfish girl to +go without bacon. I don't see how we are going to spare two rooms, though, +unless she's willing to count the kitchen as one. Forty-five pounds a week +must be a printer's error. But we can easily afford forty-five pounds a +year." + +"It may mean that she's 'weakly,'" I suggested. + +"That wouldn't matter much," said Phyllis; "and I like her the better for +being honest about it." + +"'Wky.' _might_ stand for 'whisky,'" I hinted darkly. + +Phyllis blanched. "Then she's no good," she said; "I simply couldn't stand +one that drinks. What's the next one like?" + +I read on: "Domestic oil no risk. 6 dys. trd. s. hands 10 yrs. s.a.v." + +"I wonder whether that means that she _can_ cook on an oil-stove or that +she _can't_ cook on any other kind? And does the 'no risk' refer to her or +the stove? It's not very clear. I don't think we'll take up this one's +references. Besides I shouldn't like one that was tired for six days." + +"Out of every seven," I added, "and the seventh day would be the Sabbath, +and her day off." + +"Go on to the next," said Phyllis firmly. + +The next one merely said; "General. Kilburn tkg. L40 1 rm. s.a.v." + +"It would be nice to have a taking sort of girl," I thought (unfortunately +aloud). + +"We won't think of her, the hussy!" said Phyllis. "Pass me the paper, +please." + +"They all seem to want 's.a.v.,'" she said. "What do you suppose it means? +I wish they wouldn't use so many abbreviations. 'S.a.' stands for Sunday +afternoon, of course, but I can't think what the 'v.' is for. Of course +we'll give them Sunday afternoons free, if that's what it means. I only +wonder they don't want an evening off in the week as well. I call them most +reasonable. And there are so many to choose from. I always understood from +mother that they're so hard to get." + +Then she turned the paper over. + +"Oh, you are stupid!" she said. "You've been looking at the 'Shops and +Businesses for Sale' column." + +"So've you," I snapped. + +And then I regret to say we had our first quarrel. + +I told Phyllis firmly that she is not at all tkg., nor would she stand any +test; that no one could engage her, much less marry her, without taking +risks; that she hadn't had s. hands for yrs., that _she_ wouldn't go +without her bacon for anyone, and that I should be jolly thankful if she +would take every blessed s.a.v. + +I admit that Phyllis was more dignified. She merely sailed out of the room, +remarking that I made her trd. + + * * * * * + +"OUR INVINCIBLE NAVY." + +In continuation of a paragraph in his last issue, Mr. Punch expresses his +regret if the article which appeared under the above title in these pages +on January 14th has unwittingly given offence to any one of his readers +through others having connected him with the character of _Reginald +McTaggart_. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: THE CONSCIENTIOUS BURGLAR. + +PAISLEY HUMANITARIAN. "IF I COULD ONLY BE QUITE SURE THAT I SHOULDN'T BE +DISCOURAGING HIM FROM SAVING." + +[Mr. ASQUITH has pronounced himself cautiously in favour of a Capital Levy, +on the condition, amongst others, that it must not be allowed to discourage +the habit of saving.]] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: JULIUS CAESAR ON THE LINKS. + +_Actor_ (_whose knowledge of SHAKSPEARE is greater than his golf_). "'O, +PARDON ME, THOU BLEEDING PIECE OF EARTH.'"] + + * * * * * + +RINGS FROM SATURN. + +(_Extracted from various issues of "The Daily Mandate."_) + +I. + +_To the Editor of "The Daily Mandate."_ + +SIR,--For a number of years I have been experimenting in wireless telephony +with my installation on the heights of Lavender Hill. On several occasions +recently I have been puzzled by mysterious ringings of the bell attached to +the instrument, which have obviously been set up by long-distance waves. On +taking up the receiver, however, I have been unable to make out any +coherent message, but only a succession of irregular squeaks, although once +I distinctly, heard a word which I can only transcribe as "Gurroo." I have +no doubt in my own mind that one of the more advanced planets is trying to +get in touch with us by means of wireless telephony, and that once we have +deciphered the code we shall be able to converse freely with its +inhabitants. I myself incline to the belief that these rings emanate from +Saturn, which, in spite of its great distance from the earth, is just as +likely to wish to communicate with us as any other planet. + +Yours faithfully, + +DIOGENES DOTTLE, F.R.S. + +II. + +Mr. Dottle's remarkable letter, published in our issue of yesterday, +suggesting that inhabitants of Saturn have been endeavouring to communicate +with the earth by means of wireless telephony, has created profound +excitement in scientific and other circles. To a representative of _The +Daily Mandate_ a number of well-known men expressed their views on the +matter, which will undoubtedly stimulate further investigation into the +momentous possibilities of this epoch-making revelation. The opinions +advanced, which are, on the whole, highly favourable to Mr. Dottle's +theory, are as follows:-- + +_Sir Potiphar Shucks, the famous astronomer_: "The possibility that Saturn +is inhabited is one that, in the absence of incontrovertible evidence +either way, should not lightly be set aside. Assuming that it is inhabited, +that its people are skilled in the use of wireless telephony and that it is +possible to set up waves of sufficient intensity to travel all the way from +Saturn to us, I see no reason why communications of the nature suggested by +Mr. Dottle should not at some future date become an accomplished fact." + +_Mr. Artesian Pitts, the well-known imaginative historian_: "I have long +held the belief that Saturn is inhabited by a type of being possessing a +cylinder-like body composed of an unresisting pulp, a high dome-shaped head +filled with gas, and long tentacles, bristling with electricity, through +which all sensations are emitted and received. These tentacles would act as +an ideal telephonic apparatus, so that there is every likelihood of Mr. +Dottle's having actually received a message from Saturn. I take 'Gurroo' to +be Saturnian for 'Hello.'" + +_Signor Tromboni, the pioneer of wireless telephony_: "We are making +arrangements to test Mr. Dottle's interesting theory, and for this purpose +are erecting a special installation on the top of Mt. Kilimanjaro, which is +several thousand feet higher than Lavender Hill. At our own stations we +have frequently noticed mysterious ringings, which we have hitherto +ascribed to carelessness on the part of operators; but Mr. Dottle's letter +opens up a new world of possibilities. _The Daily Mandate_ is to be +congratulated on the prominence it has given to the subject, which has +already had the effect of sending Tromboni shares up several points." + +_Mr. G. Shawburn_: "It is an insult to Creation to assume that ours is the +only populated planet. Of course Saturn is inhabited, but, unlike our own +world, by people of intelligence. In the matter of mental advancement +Saturn can make rings round the earth. All the same I don't for one moment +suppose that Mr. Dottle knows what he's talking about." + +_The POSTMASTER-GENERAL_: "Nothing is known in the Department under my +control of telephone calls having been received from Saturn or the +neighbourhood. I do not propose for the present to take any steps in the +matter." + +_The LORD MAYOR_: "Saturn is a long way off." + +III. + +(_Extract from leading article._) + +"... Again we ask, 'What is the Government doing?' For several days now our +columns have been ringing with the world-wide acclamation of this +stupendous discovery, beside the potentialities of which the wildest +efforts of imaginative literature are reduced to pallid and uninspired +commonplaces. Even so cautious a scientist as Sir Potiphar Shucks has +declared that the idea of Saturn being inhabited is one that 'should not +lightly be set aside,' and has announced his conviction that under +favourable conditions communication with that planet should in the near +future become 'an accomplished fact.' Other eminent leaders of thought and +action, including Signor Tromboni, are even more enthusiastic in their +reception of the great theory first given to the world by Mr. Diogenes +Dottle in a letter to _The Daily Mandate_. But the POSTMASTER-GENERAL is +content to treat the question with the airy scepticism and obstructive +complacency that have rendered the London Telephone service a byword of +inefficiency, and refuses even to make a grant in aid of the work of +investigation. + +"In these circumstances the proprietors of _The Daily Mandate_ have much +pleasure in announcing that they will pay the sum of ten thousand pounds to +the first man, woman or child in the British Empire who can produce +evidence of having received an intelligible telephonic message from Saturn, +and a further sum of one hundred thousand pounds to the first person to +send a message to that planet and receive a clear reply. The services of a +Board of distinguished experts are being engaged for the purpose of testing +and adjudicating all claims. + +"_Meanwhile the POSTMASTER-GENERAL must go._" + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Indignant Egoist._ "BE CAREFUL UP THERE WHAT YOU'RE +DROPPING. THAT PRECIOUS NEARLY HIT ME!"] + + * * * * * + + "It may safely be said that there are more millionaires to the square + yard in Bradford than in any other city in the country, not even + excepting London or New York."--_Daily Paper._ + +The news that Britain has annexed the United States will comfort those who +thought it was the other way about. + + * * * * * + + "The incessant singing of a cricket in a London church compelled the + preacher to shorten his sermon."--_The Children's Newspaper._ + +We may now expect increased enthusiasm for the "Sunday Cricket" movement. + + * * * * * + +A VERMIN OFFENSIVE. + +There was a faint scuffling sound behind the wainscot. + +"There it is again," said Araminta. + +"Not a doubt of it," I replied, turning pale. + +Thrusting on my hat I rushed up the hill to the Town Hall and asked to see +the Clerk of the Borough Council immediately. + +"I have reason to suspect," I said in a hoarse low whisper, as soon as I +was shown into the man's presence, "that our premises are in imminent +danger of being infested. Counsel me as to what I should do." + +"It is your duty as a good citizen to take such steps as may from time to +time be necessary and reasonably practicable to destroy the vermin," he +said in a rather weary and mechanical tone. + +"I hope I am not one to take my civic duties lightly," I replied with some +_hauteur_, "but observe that I merely said I had reason to suspect the +imminence of the peril. I should like to know the legal definition of +infestment, if you please. I cannot definitely say that house-breaking has +taken place as yet. I do not know that there has even been petty larceny. +There may have been merely loitering with felonious intent." + +"What is the size of your premises?" he inquired. + +"It is more a messuage than a premises," I explained. "About twelve feet by +ten, I should say--speaking without the lease." + +"And how many vermin do you expect it to be about to harbour?" + +"None have actually hove in sight at present," I said reassuringly, "but +there is a sound of one in the offing--in the wainscoting, I mean." + +"In a residence of your size I should say that a single mouse would +constitute infestation within the meaning of the Act, so soon as it forces +an ingress. It will then be your bounden duty to demolish it. How about +purchasing a trap?" + +"You are sure that is better than hiding behind the arras and hitting it +over the head with a pole-axe?" I inquired anxiously, "or proffering it a +bowl of poisoned wine?" + +"Poison is no longer supplied free," he answered coldly, and I went out. + +Very luckily, as I hastened up the hill, I had observed a building with the +words, "Job Masters. Traps for Hire," written upon a wooden board. I went +inside and found an elderly man sitting at a desk in a small office. He +looked extremely patient. "Are you Job?" I asked breathlessly. "I have come +to buy a mouse-trap." + +Appearances, of course, are quite often deceptive. They were in this case. +The elderly man was very much annoyed. When he had explained matters +forcibly to me I went on down the hill and entered an ironmonger's. + +"I wish to buy a trap to catch a mouse," I said to the assistant behind the +counter. + +"Certainly, Sir. What size?" said the lad politely. + +"Small to medium," I replied, rather baffled. "It has only a medium-sized +scratch." + +He showed me a peculiar apparatus made of wire and wood containing +apparently a vestibule, two reception rooms, staircase and first-floor +lobby, with an open window and a diving-board. Underneath the window was a +small swimming tank. + +"I don't want a hydropathic exactly," I explained. "I propose to +exterminate this rodent, not to foster longevity in it. How does it work?" + +He pointed out that, after examining the various apartments, the animal +would be allured by the fragrance of a small portion of cheese placed above +the diving-board; overbalancing, it would then be projected into the water, +where it would infallibly drown. "It is a thoroughly humane instrument," he +assured me, "and used in the best 'omes." + +I bought it and went on to a cheese foundry. Araminta was rather scornful +of the sanatorium when I came home with it and set it, loaded and trained, +on the dining-room floor; but the children were delighted. It ranked only a +little lower than the pantomime, and if only we could have secured an +outside visitor to it I believe that it would have defeated the Zoo. To +visit it with a sort of wistful hope became the principal treat of the day. +But, alas, the mansion remained untenanted. Sometimes during a lull in +conversation we would hear the faint scuffling again, but after about six +days I became convinced, by kneeling down and placing my ear to the carpet +like an Indian, that the noise was even fainter than it had been at first. +A terrible suspicion seized me. I dashed out and rang the bell of the flat +next door. + +"It is just as I feared," I said to Araminta on returning a few moments +later. "We are not going to be infested after all. The vermin has been +sighted in No. 140B." + +"We must make the best of it," she said, trying to speak cheerfully, +"though it _is_ hard on the children, poor dears." + +"I wasn't thinking of the children," I replied bitterly; "I was thinking of +the expense. If we had been living in a house instead of a flat we could at +least have deducted it from the rates." + +I sat down and made out a bill as follows to the Clerk of the Borough +Council, heading it:-- + + _On Account of Spurious Infestment._ + s. d. + To one Mouse Institute and Aquarium 5 6 + " Cheese 0 6 + " Labour at 2/6 per hour 0 7-1/2 + --------- + Total 6 7-1/2 + +The man replied coldly that the householder was responsible for all +expenditure incurred in precautionary measures and that the Council was in +no way liable for the costs resulting from an offensive that failed to +materialize. He ended with the rather rude postscript, "What kind of cheese +did you use?" + +This was a bit sickening. However, by threatening to lay information +against him, I have at last succeeded in inducing the occupier of 140B to +take over the abattoir at a very satisfactory valuation. It was between +that and buying his mouse. + +EVOE. + + * * * * * + +TWO NIGHTMARES. + + [_Dreamed after reading in a daily paper that "any style of dress that + lessens one's self-confidence should be tabooed" (sic)._] + + I travelled from the Sussex hills + With confidence divine, + Full of the conscious power that thrills + My heart when life is mine, + And strode to Lady Fancy Frills + With whom I was to dine. + + Her guests had come from Clubs and Courts + And Halls of wealthy Jews; + As they surveyed my running shorts + I felt my courage ooze, + While conscious power, grown out of sorts, + Leaked through my canvas shoes. + + * * * * * + + Then I re-travelled South by West + Inflated with a joy + Which in the suit I called my best + No buffet could destroy; + I may remark I'd come full-dressed + From lunch at the Savoy. + + But when the hills began to shout + I coloured to the roots, + And when the valleys cried, "Get out!" + To the last word in suits, + My joy, displaced by sudden doubt, + Leaked through my spatted boots. + + * * * * * + +Of the mysterious Marconigrams:-- + + "They may be the effort of sentiment beings in some neighbouring planet + to communicate with us."--_Evening Paper._ + +Can we have broken in on a conversation between _Venus_ and _Mars_? + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: MANNERS AND MODES. + +PROFITEERING IN THE WEST END COMPELS MAYFAIR TO PUT ON ANY OLD RAGS AND DO +ITS SHOPPING IN SHOREDITCH.] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: BEHIND THE SCENES IN CINEMA-LAND. + +"WILL YOU STAND BACK, SIR? YOU'RE SPOILING THE PICTURE."] + + * * * * * + +A CONFLICT OF EMOTIONS. + +(_With the British Army in France._) + +"I've seen rivetters at New York pie-foundries and stew-specialists on +North Sea trawlers," said Percival severely, "but I never realised how +monotonous feeding could be till I got into a Mess controlled by Binnie." + +Binnie puffed his pipe severely, being of the tough fibre which enables +Mess Presidents to endure. Frederick, who had been silent, rose from his +seat, heaved a distressing sigh and left the room. + +"There's the moral that adorns the tale, you--you public danger!" continued +Percival, indicating Frederick's retreating figure. "Look to what a +condition that once bright youth has been brought by your endless stews and +curries." + +"Not a bit of it," answered Binnie lightly. "Frederico could eat patent +breakfast food and toasted doormats without taxing his digestion. His +complaint is the tender passion. I recognise the symptoms." + +"It looks like an acute attack, anyhow," said Percival, rising, "and prompt +counter-irritants are indicated. But I'll confirm your diagnosis first." + +Inside Frederick's quarters the sound of regular and sustained sighing +suggested that the sufferer was in the throes of a spasm of melancholy. +Percival entered and narrowly escaped being drawn into the vortex of a +particularly powerful inspiration. + +"Freddy, old pard," he said kindly, "why so _triste_? If the trouble's +financial, my cheque-book is unreservedly at your service. Havin' no +balance at the bank I've no use for it myself." + +"It's not that--at least not worse than usual," groaned Frederick. + +"Then tell me all about it." + +"It's a long story," commenced Frederick. + +"Let me off with a synopsis," interrupted Percival. + +"Once upon a time," continued Frederick, "there was a big war, which made +quite a stir in the daily papers and was a common subject of discussion in +the clubs. There were many casualties, amongst them being a blithe young +laddy who came down to the Base with a fractured maxilla caused by nibbling +an M. and V. ration without previously removing the outside tin--or +something of the sort. He was sent to hospital and devotedly tended by a +Sister of exquisite beauty--such a figure and such hair! It wasn't exactly +auburn and not exactly burnished bronze--" + +"And it wasn't pale puce and it wasn't ultramarine," broke in Percival +impatiently. "Tell me what it was, not what it wasn't." + +"I can't. It baffled description. Well, they drifted apart; but often +afterwards, when that young laddy was studying his Manual of Military Law +in his lonely dug-out, the image of Sister Carruthers glowed on the printed +page. But I never met her again until the other day, when I was having a +gentle toddle round Quelquepart and saw her gliding along the quay. +Something gripped me by the heart; I took my courage in both hands and +spoke to her. + +"'Don't you remember me, Sister?' I said. 'It was you who nursed me in No. +99 General.' + +"She looked at me coldly. + +"'As you are the third young officer who has adopted a similar method of +introduction this afternoon,' she said, 'you must forgive me if I ask for +some confirmation.' + +"'Surely you haven't forgotten?' I cried. 'You drew me a sweet little +design in dots and dashes to hang over my bed. When I was evacuated to +England I wanted to thank you, to ask if we might meet again, but you +thrust a clinical thermometer between my teeth and told me not to speak +till you gave me permission. Then you left me, and I was whisked away to +the boat clinging grimly to the thermometer, inarticulate and heartbroken.' + +"'And I presume your object in speaking to me to-day is to return the +thermometer?' she said primly. + +"That's where I took the full count," continued Frederick, sadly. "If I +could have produced any old thing in the thermometer line my _bona fides_ +would have been established an' I could have gone ahead like cotton-mill +shares. Instead of which, she'd said Good-day and gone while I was thinkin' +out explanations. Since that time I've been parading Quelquepart simply +bristling with thermometers, but I've never met her again." + +"The old Army fault of unpreparedness," remarked Percival. "You ought to go +to hospital." + +"Don't be juvenile! What have hospitals to do with heartache?" + +"Everything, if you go to the right one--the one where your ministering +angel ministrates, for instance." + +"Percival, old ace," said Frederick, with admiration, "you'll rank among +the world's great thinkers yet. Turn on the current again and tell me what +is my complaint." + +"Digestive trouble," said Percival promptly. "There's already been rumours +about, and you'll be doing a public service by going to dock with +dyspepsia. Binnie will be so stricken by remorse that he'll at once start +providing the Mess with decent food." + +"Then for your sakes I'll rehearse the symptoms. But my curse will be on +your head if I get to the wrong hospital." + +It was unfortunate that the M.O. was in an unsympathetic mood next morning. +He thumped Frederick on the lower chest and pooh-poohed the idea of +hospital. "All you want is a few of these tablets," he said, "and you'll be +fit as nails in a day or two." + +Frederick crawled away dispiritedly to confide in Percival. That sapient +youth counselled perseverance. + +"You must go right off your feed," he said. "Let the doc. see you feebly +pecking and he'll soon get alarmed. In the meantime I'm off to give Binnie +critical accounts of your appetite and send him to market right away." + +Only a burning passion and stealthy bars of chocolate could have sustained +Frederick through the next few days. To sit down to breakfast with a +healthy appetite and refuse his egg and rasher put the biggest possible +strain on his constancy. His task was made doubly difficult by the scheming +of Percival, who was constantly inciting Binnie to procure fresh +delicacies. + +"You've crocked poor Freddy," he said; "and there will be others going the +same way if you don't improve the messing. Now I saw some nice plump +chickens to-day in the...." + +Thus harried, that evening Binnie provided a dinner that almost reduced +Frederick to breaking-point. Only the fact that the M.O. was sitting +opposite gave him strength to refuse the soup and fish, to trifle with the +chicken and turn wearily from the sweet. As the savoury was being served he +caught a scrap of conversation across the table. + +"... to the boat to see her off for demob.," the M.O. was saying to the +Padre. "Jolly nice girl--Jim Carruthers' daughter, you know." + +Frederick pricked up his ears. + +"I remember," said the Padre. "She used to be at 99 General." + +There was no doubt who was the girl referred to. Frederick sat back in his +chair with a heavy sense of disappointment and loss. He felt acutely sorry +for himself. But presently above the pain in his heart there arose a +stronger and more compelling feeling. + +"Corporal," he said, "I think after all I'll try one of those crab patties. +Or you might tell the waiter to bring in _two_." + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Conversationalist._ "EXTRAORDINARY CRIME WAVE WE'RE +HAVING--ER--AH--FOR THE TIME OF YEAR."] + + * * * * * + +PICTURES. + + "Some likes picturs o' women" (said Bill) "an' some likes 'orses best," + As he fitted a pair of fancy shackles on to his old sea-chest; + "But I likes picturs o' ships" (said he), "an' you can keep the rest. + + "An' if I was a ruddy millionaire with dollars to burn that way, + Instead of a dead-broke sailorman as never saves his pay, + I'd go to some big paintin' guy, an' this is what I'd say:-- + + "'Paint me _The Cutty Sark_' (I'd say) 'or the old _Thermopylae_, + Or _The Star of Peace_ as I sailed in once in my young days at sea, + Shipshape an' Blackwall fashion too, as a clipper ought to be. + + "'An' you might do 'er outward bound, with a sky full o' clouds, + An' the tug just droppin' astern an' gulls flyin' in crowds, + An' the decks shiny-wet with rain an' the wind shakin' the shrouds. + + "'Or else racin' up-Channel with a sou'-wester blowin', + Stuns'ls set aloft and alow an' a hoist o' flags showin', + An' a white bone between her teeth, so's you can see she's goin'. + + "'Or you might do 'er off Cape Stiff in the 'igh latitudes yonder, + With her main-deck a smother of white an' her lee-rail dipping under, + And the big greybeards drivin' by an' breakin' aboard like thunder. + + "'Or I'd like old Tuskar somewhere around--or Sydney 'eads, maybe, + Or Bar Light, or the Tail o' the Bank, or a glimp o' Circular Quay, + Or a junk or two, if she's tradin' East, to show it's the China Sea. + + "'Nor I don't want no dabs o' paint as you can't tell what they are, + Whether they're shadders or fellers' faces or blocks or blobs o' tar, + But I want gear as looks like gear an' a spar that's like a spar. + + "'An' I don't care if it's North or South, the Trades or the China Sea, + Shortened down or everythin' set, close-hauled or runnin' free; + You paint me a ship as is _like_ a ship an' that'll do for me.'" + + C.F.S. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Old-fashioned Aunt._ "GOOD HEAVENS, CHILD! YOU'RE NOT GOING +OUT LIKE THAT? YOU LOOK LIKE A CHORUS-GIRL." + +_Modern Maiden._ "OH, COME, AUNT! I DON'T LOOK AS HORRIBLY RESPECTABLE AS +THAT, SURELY?"] + + * * * * * + +EGYPTIAN DARKNESS. + + "Several letters have appeared in the native Press in some of which + they ask Minindirect way, as they have done, but in a indirect way they + have done but in a clear clear manner which cannot be interpreted two + ways."--_Egyptian Gazette._ + +Or, so far as we are concerned, even one way. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: ANOTHER "RESERVATION." + +STARVING EUROPE. "GOD HELP ME!" + +AMERICA. "VERY SAD CASE. BUT I'M AFRAID SHE AIN'T TRYING." + +["Relief would be found in the resumption of industrial life and activity +and the imposition of adequate taxation. The American people should not be +called upon to finance the requirements of Europe in so far as they result +from failure to take these necessary steps."--_Mr. CARTER GLASS, Secretary +of the United States Treasury._]] + + * * * * * + +THE BIG-GAME CURE. + + [In common with everything else, wild animals have risen considerably + in price.] + + In other times I might have made + For those wild lands where growls the grisly, + Have tracked him (with some native aid) + And held a broken-hearted Bisley; + Now that my Maud has murmured, "Nay," + Shrinking from matrimony's tight knot, + I might have acted thus, I say + (Contrariwise, I might not). + + In any case to-day I shrink + From thus evading Sorrow's trammels; + A sense of duty bids me think + How costly are the larger mammals; + To kill them just to soothe my mind + Would seem to savour of the wasteful, + A thing all patriot poets find + Exceedingly distasteful. + + Not mine the immemorial cure; + The voice of conscience warns me off it; + I'll leave the following of the spoor + To those who follow it for profit; + I feel they would not thank me for + Turning the jungle to a shambles, + Who speculate in lions or + Have elephantine gambles. + + And so this poet will not roam; + Remaining on his native heath, he + Will seek an anodyne at home, + Nor look beyond the Thames for Lethe; + And if he fades away, denied + The usual balm in cardiac crises, + Say only this of him, "He died + A prey to soaring prices." + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: THE RETURN OF THE PRODIGAL.] + + * * * * * + +HOW TO ACT IN EMERGENCIES. + +_The Weekly Dispatch_ symposium, in which various celebrities discuss the +way to act in the event of a burglar being found in the house, shows the +need for a little advice in case of emergencies. We append the following +very helpful hints:-- + +The old plan of offering a burglar a cigarette and asking him to take a +chair while you telephone to the police is not now so successful as in the +past. The best plan is to tackle the fellow right away. For this purpose +you should step behind him, take hold of his coat and force it over his +face. Then tie his left arm to his right leg across the back. Properly +carried out, this method rarely fails. + + * * * * * + +To attract the attention of the young lady behind a post-office counter, +fire a revolver three times in succession, using blank cartridges. After +first aid has been rendered to the attendants step up to the counter and +purchase your stamp. + + * * * * * + +If you should be knocked down by a taxi, don't be alarmed and try to creep +out from under the thing. And don't blame the driver. Apologise to him, +and, as you are being carried away, shake hands and tell him that while it +was his cab it was your fault. Treated in this manner, drivers are not +nearly so offensive when they knock you down the next time. + + * * * * * + +Should the telephone-bell ring in your house, don't get excited. Keep calm. +Remember General GRANT. Remove the women and children to a place of safety, +lift off the receiver and say, "Good Heavens! Whoever can it be?" + + * * * * * + +Let us suppose that you are being attacked by a man with a chopper. Wait +until the weapon is well poised over your head. Just as he begins the down +stroke step aside smartly. The hatchet will then be found buried in the +ground. This means that bygones are bygones. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: "ARE THEY RISING THE DAY, SIR?" + +"NO." + +"AH, WEEL, JUST BIDE A WEE. THEY AYE TAK BEST IN THE COOL OF THE EVENING."] + + * * * * * + +PETER AND JUDY. + +Except for the fact that they had different sets of parents and were born +some hundred miles apart, Peter and Judy are practically twins. +Consequently, after an interval of three months, strenuous efforts were +made by the two young mothers to bring about a proper introduction between +the two wonders. + +The occasion was to be one of great importance, for it was Judy's very +first tea-party, marking, as it were, the dawn of her social career. For +days the post-office wrestled with the correspondence necessary to bring +about the meeting. The mothers, both in person and by proxy, had scoured +the precincts of Kensington and Oxford Street respectively for the +necessary adornments to do their offspring justice, changing their minds so +often that the assistants came to take as much interest in the party as if +they were going to it themselves. + +And yet, when the great moment arrived and the strong silent man was borne +into the room, round-eyed and expectant, he found his hostess already tired +out with her first tea-party and fast asleep. He could scarcely believe his +eyes; nor could Judy's scandalised father. + +Peter was very good about it. He bore this chilly reception stoically, +deprecating any desire to wake the sleeping beauty--deprecating, in fact, +any interest in her or her cot whatsoever. Ignoring the efforts of the Big +People to fix his attention by pointing him directly at the main object of +the tea-party (they should have known that babies like looking the _other_ +way always) he remained passively interested in a fascinating brass knob, +the while getting his gloves into a satisfactory state of succulence before +the Big People should take it on themselves to remove them. + +At last his patience is rewarded. The hostess, sighing sleepily, is +beginning to show signs of realising her responsibilities. Two immense +arms, two enormous fistfuls of fingers gather her up and she is borne +through the air triumphantly.... Peter and Judy are introduced. + +I doubt whether any two people in this world ever displayed greater +indifference. Solemnly they turn their eyes upon every other object in the +room except each other. It is not until the number of permutations in which +two people can look at everything is exhausted mathematically that their +eyes meet at last. + +Then they cut each other dead. + + * * * * * + +Side by side they recline on the couch. Judy, pouting with sleep, is +buffeting her face with her little white boxing-gloves, while Peter stares +fascinated at the fire, quite sure that social functions are not in his +line. "O-o!" + +With only three months' experience, Judy has not yet attained complete +mastery of the art of manipulating difficult things like limbs. +Inadvertently, and in excess of zeal to kick higher than any other baby, +she has landed out a beautiful backhander and caught Peter hard in the +tummy. Peter's eyes open wide. Creases appear on his face and widen. A +cavern opens and a roar follows:-- + +"Ya--o-o!" + +"Hullo!" (Judy looks up in amazement, for there is only one noise in the +house like that, and she has the sole rights of it). "Hullo, is that me? I +didn't know I was doing it"--(the roars from Peter continue)--"but I +suppose I am. I must be. Let's have a lot more of this very good noise I am +making--Ya--o-o!" + +The duet produces a crescendo astounding to them both, for there has never +been a noise so wonderful as this in all their experience. Then to Judy a +very strange thing happens. She pauses for breath, but the noise goes on. +"This is amazing--how do I do it?..." + +She joins in again--and then Peter stops. He too is puzzled vaguely. +However, bother introspection, the concert proceeds, both artists doing +their level best. Now one of them pauses, now the other, and at length +serious doubts begin to creep in. There is something queer afoot-- +something.... + +The matter resolves itself. Turning suddenly they behold each other, both +yelling splendidly. Amazement! Cavern confronts cavern! Face to face they +roar their hardest, demanding the reason for this strange phenomenon, "this +other me who does when I don't." + +They pause--their mouths remain agape. Slowly they close and smiles +succeed. Joy! A _reasonable_-sized face at last. What a relief after the +enormous faces, the great mouths, the Cyranese noses of the Big People who +are wont to come and peer. Here at last is a true face, a face that--no, +they both agree not to dwell unduly on the discovery. + +Indifferent to each other once again they regard the special objects of +their attention, their hands waving gently in the air, seeking the fairies +that babies' hands are always trying to catch. + +Ha! their hands have met. + +"Hoo! It's a _reasonable_ hand. It's got proper fingers, not stumps of +bananas." + +"Moreover," says Peter politely, "if you care to take advantage of my offer +you will find that it is properly moistened, succulent and suitable to a +baby's taste. You needn't mind; I prepared it myself." + +"Goo! Gool-gur!" All is peace and chuckles. Hand-in-hand they survey their +mothers. "_Our_ mothers, yours--mine. Ha, ha--he, he--goo!" + +The inner thoughts of the two babies may be hidden from me (I accept the +punishment), but I know--I _know_ what the two mothers are thinking of. +Twenty years hence, a paragraph in _The Times_: "Peter--Judy--" Oh, you +fatuous mothers! + +L. + + * * * * * + + "Public interest remains unabated in the remarkable occurrences at the + poultry-house farm at Brickendon, where spirit rappings in the morse + code have been heard for weeks past.... One question put to the spirit + last night was 'How many people are outside?' And the reply was + 'Rorty,' which proved to be correct."--_Liverpool Paper._ + +And possibly furnishes some clue to the identity of the spirit concerned. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Officer._ "WHAT HAVE YOU GOT THERE?" + +_Lighterman._ "COAL." + +_Officer._ "I CAN SEE THAT. WHAT KIND OF COAL?" + +_Lighterman._ "BLACK COAL."] + + * * * * * + +MORE INTENSIVE PRODUCTION. + + When first I learned to play the fool + In various (unaccepted) verses + There was, I found, one golden rule + For poets who would line their purses. + "If ye," it ran, "to wealth would mount, + For silk attire would change your tatters, + Mere quantity will never count; + Quality is the thing that matters." + + Broadly this precept, too, was laid + On grosser forms of human labour; + _E.g._, on Jones's antique trade, + Or Brown, the sausage-man, his neighbour; + Until of late, throughout a land + Reeling from strikes and "reconstruction," + A cry was heard on every hand, + A clamour for "Increased Production." + + While "makers," then, gird on their might + And merchants buzz like bees in clover; + When Jones is sawing day and night + And Brown shows twice his last turnover; + Shall I not follow where they've led + And, at the PREMIER'S invitation, + Double my output, Mr. Ed.?-- + I look for your co-operation. + + * * * * * + + "'Oh, to be in England now that Noel's near.' + + So, one might adapt one of Kipling's lines."--_Indian Paper._ + +What do they know of BROWNING who only KIPLING know? + + * * * * * + + "LADY wishes to travel in exquisite lingerie."--_Daily Paper._ + +By all means; but why should she be content to wear an inferior quality +when she is stationary? + + * * * * * + +AT THE PLAY. + +"MR. TODD'S EXPERIMENT." + +A new terror--or else a new attraction--has been added to the British +Drama. Mr. WALTER HACKETT has brought the scent of the cinema across the +footlights. When he wants to inform you of certain episodes in the hero's +past career, or let you know what he is doing when he is out of sight, he +throws the main stage into darkness and lights up a smaller one on which he +gives you as many as six little tabloid plays within the play. + +Such a scheme has its obvious conveniences for the playwright, and should +greatly simplify the difficulties of stage-craft. Those introductory +statements which are required to explain the opening conditions and need +such adroit handling will no longer be necessary. You just put everybody +wise by a series of _tableaux parlants_. No longer need the author worry +about the best way of conveying to his audience the details of any action +that takes place off the stage; he just turns on a playlet and there it is. +Altogether, with a couple of the unities disposed of, he ought to have a +much easier time. + +On the other hand he is going to have trouble with his principal stage and +put his actors to the inconvenience of playing in a painfully congested +area. Thus, in _Mr. Todd's Experiment_, the permanent scene was the hall of +a house, with a large tapestry occupying more than half of the wall. +Lurking behind this tapestry was the stage for the tabloids, and the +general company had to crowd themselves into the remainder or wander +forlornly about in the space in front of the tapestry. The playlets again +are almost bound to be just concentrated episodes, probably elemental in +theme and certainly elementary in treatment. + +The excuses for their interpolation in _Mr. Todd's Experiment_ were not +marked by a very great subtlety. There was really none for the first three, +which simply relieved _Mr. Todd_ of the tedious recital of the hero's +disillusionments in love. The next two were introduced by way of +illustrating his alleged gift of clairvoyance; and the last served frankly +to fill in the interval while the rest of the company was away at dinner. +The general effect of all these desultory little _Guignols_ was perhaps +rather cheap, and not very complimentary to the intelligence of those of us +who had outgrown a childish _penchant_ for peep-shows. + +[Illustration: _Willoughby Todd_ (_Mr. HOLMAN CLARK_). "BE YOUR OLD TRUE +SELF. MAKE THE WOMEN ADORE YOU." + +_Arthur John Carrington_ (_Mr. OWEN NARES_). "YOUR ADVICE IS GOOD. I WILL +NOW TAKE OFF MY BEARD AND BE OWEN NARES ONCE MORE."] + +_Mr. Todd's Experiment_ (for I have spoken only of Mr. HACKETT'S) was to +restore a _blase_ and valetudinarian young man of thirty to a proper state +of energy by recalling the memories of his past loves and so reviving in +him a desire to stand well in the eyes of the sex. For this purpose he +produces (1) a bunch of wood-violets to suggest (through the nose) the +environment of his first passion; (2) a specially-tipped brand of +cigarettes to revive (through the mouth) the sentiment of his second; and a +gramophone record to recover (through the ear) the associations of his +third. + +So well does he succeed that the hero pulls himself together, shaves off +his beard, becomes our OWEN NARES again, and sallies forth, habited for +conquest, to pay calls on all the three. From all the three he retires +disillusioned, having found them as egoistic as himself, and in the end +finds solace rather shamelessly, in the love of a devoted slave who might +have been his for the taking any time in the last several years. + +The matter was pleasant enough, but its interest must, I think, have left +us indifferent if it had not been for the diversion afforded by the +playlets. While the idea was original, the presentation of it seemed to +have a touch of amateurishness, though I would not go so far as to agree +with the old fogey, played by Mr. FRED KERR, who pronounced the scheme to +be "all Tommy rot." With the exception of one character--the devoted +slave--the lightness of the dialogue, mildly cynical, was due not so much +to its wit as to the absence of ponderable stuff. The easy trick, so +popular with the modern playwright, of letting the audience down in the +middle of a serious situation was illustrated by the hero when, being in +deadly earnest, he tells every woman in turn that she is the only woman he +has ever loved. + +As _Mr. Todd_, Mr. HOLMAN CLARK was as fresh as he always is; but Mr. OWEN +NARES could hardly hope to satisfy the exigent demands of adoration in the +part of young _Carrington_. Who, indeed, could sustain his reputation as a +figure of romance when addressed as "Arthur-John"? Mr. FRED KERR, who +played _Martin Carrington_, the cantankerous uncle, cannot help being +workmanlike; but he was asked to repeat himself too much. The best +performance was that of Miss MARION LORNE, in the part of the hero's one +devout lover, _Fancy Phipps_; her quiet sense of humour, salted with a +slight American tang, kept the whole play together. + +O.S. + +"TEA FOR THREE." + +Playwright Mr. ROI COOPER-MEGRUE, and principal players Miss FAY COMPTON, +the wife; Mr. STANLEY LOGAN, the friend, and Mr. A.E. MATTHEWS, the +husband, made a first-rate thing of two-thirds of _Tea for Three_. + +The wife is without blemish physically or morally. The husband is faithful +with a single-minded fidelity in thought, word and deed that looks (and, I +am assured by equally innocent victims, is) positively deadly. The friend +"frits and flutters" about in a distinctly casual, not to say polygamous, +mood, but has one sacred place in his untidy heart in which the wife is +enshrined. He can manage to sustain life so long as he may come to +triangular tea on Thursdays. But the faithful husband puts his foot on +that. + +Hence the stolen lunch for two with which the play opens. Philosophy there +is, and very good philosophy too, from the flutterer and fritter, and such +love-making as every virtuous woman (at heart a minx) allows. She is sorry, +doubtless, for the suffering she causes, but (this is my gloss, not, I +think, the author's) is really enjoying it like anything and taking jolly +good care to look her best. Then follow little lies and as little and as +needless and quite innocent indiscretions; and the jealous husband on the +rampage. + +All this excellently put together, seasoned with wisdom and wit and most +capably played; Miss FAY COMPTON, admirable example of a pretty actress who +won't let herself be captured by stage tricks, making everything explicable +except her continued love for her intolerable bore (and Turk) of a husband; +Mr. A.E. MATTHEWS handling a desperately unsympathetic part, which was +already beginning to look impossible, with great adroitness; and Mr. +STANLEY LOGAN, though badly hampered by a shocking cold and fighting a +coughing audience, carrying the bulk of the good talk and lifting it gently +over the few difficult places with a brilliant and well-concealed art. + +Thus till towards the end of the Second Act. Then a bad, a very bad, fairy +stuffed into Mr. MEGRUE'S head the idea of the suicide lottery. The +infuriated husband, finding his wife in her friend's room at 7 P.M. +(frightfully improper hour), sternly offers his bowler (or Derby) hat, in +which are two cards. The one marked with a cross is drawn by the flutterer +and means that he is for it. He is to kill himself within twenty-four +hours.... And all this with perfect seriousness. + +You will see how the Third Act of a comedy which had tied itself in this +kind of a knot simply could not be played. The author had completely +sacrificed plausibility, and it was not uninteresting to see him twisting +and turning, hedging and bluffing to save it; and a little uncomfortable to +note the conviction oozing away out of the performers.... Queer also that +it isn't more generally recognised that to come to the theatre with a loud +persistent cough is a form of premeditated robbery with violence. + +T. + + * * * * * + +A NEW LEAGUE OF NATIONS. + +The latest development in connection with the International Brotherhood +movement is the establishment of a College of Correct Cosmopolitan +Pronunciation. The need of such an institution has long been clamant, and +the visit of the Ukrainian choir has brought matters to a crisis. At their +concert last week several strong women wept like men at their inability to +pronounce the title of one of the most beautiful items on the programme-- +"Shtchedryk." Again, as Mr. SMILLIE must have bitterly reflected, how can +we possibly render justice to the cause of Bolshevism so long as we are +unable to pronounce the names of its leaders correctly? The same remark +applies to the Russian Ballet; the Yugo-Slav handbell-ringers; the +vegetarian Indian-club swingers from the Karakoram Himalayas; the +polyphonic gong-players from North Borneo; the synthetic quarter-tone +quartette from San Domingo; the anthropophagous back-chat comedians from +the Solomon Islands; not to mention a host of other interesting companies, +troupes, corroborees and pow-wows which are now in our midst for the +purpose of cementing the confraternity of nations. + +Suitable premises for the College have been secured in the heart of Mayfair +and a competent staff of instructors has already been appointed, who, with +the aid of gramophones, will be able to train the students to perfection in +the requisite command of the most explosive gutturals, labials and +sibilants. Doctor Prtnkeivitchsvtnshchitzky will be the director of the +College; Dr. SETON WATSON and Mr. WICKHAM STEED have kindly undertaken to +supervise the Yugo-Slav section, and the list of patrons and patronesses +includes the names of the Prince of Prinkipo; Madame KARSAVINA, so long a +victim of the mispronunciation of her melodious surname; Dr. DOUGLAS HYDE, +the famous Irish scholar; Prenk-Bib-Doda, the Albanian chieftain; Sir +RABINDRANATH TAGORE; Lord PARMOOR; Sir THOMAS BEECHAM and the Dowager Begum +of BHOPAL. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: MORE ADVENTURES OF A POST-WAR SPORTSMAN. + +HE DETERMINES TO MASTER THE ART OF CRACKING A WHIP.] + + * * * * * + +PEGASUS AT POLO. + + "The following teams have entered for the Lahore Polo Tournament:--4th + Cavalry, 17th Cavalry, 21st Lancers, 33rd Cavalry, 39th Central India + Horse, Lahore, the Fox-hunters from Meerut, and the Royal Air Horse + from Delhi."--_Civil and Military Gazette._ + + * * * * * + +AN UP-TO-DATE COSTUME. + + "For your evening dress I advise you simply to buy a piece of broad + silver ribbon, pass it twice round the waist and knot it at the side, + with a little bunch of berries and leaves caught into the knot."-- + _Ladies' Paper._ + + * * * * * + +REVOLT OF THE SUPER-GEORGIANS. + +WILD SCENES AT A MEETING OF PROTEST. + +An Indignation Meeting, to protest against the outrageous attacks levelled +against Georgian writers and critics by Professor NOYES in his recent +lecture at the Royal Institution and by Mr. A.D. GODLEY in an article in +the current _Nineteenth Century_, was held last Saturday evening at the +Klaxon Hall. The chair was taken by Mr. EDWARD MARSH, C.M.G., who was +supported on the platform by a compact bevy of Georgian bards; but at an +early stage of the meeting it became apparent that a majority of those +present in the body of the hall were extremists of violent type, and +eventually, as will be seen, the proceedings ended in something +approximating to a free fight. + +Mr. MARSH began by a frank confession. He had taken a First Class in the +Cambridge Classical Tripos. But the days in which he had been steeped to +the lips in Latin and Greek were long past, never to return. For many years +he had not composed hexameters, elegiacs or iambics. He had thrown in his +lot with insurgent youth, not as a competitor or rival, but as an advocate, +an admirer and an adviser. Indeed, if he might venture to say so, he +sometimes acted as a brake on the wheels of the triumphal Chariot of Free +Verse. He was not an adherent of the fantastic movement known as "Dada." He +had no desire to abolish the family, morality, logic, memory, archaeology, +the law and the prophets. A little madness was a splendid thing, but it +must be methodic. Still, for the rest he was a Georgian, heart and soul, +and it pained him when men who ought to know better raised the standard of +reaction and sought to discredit the achievements of his _proteges_. These +attacks could not be passed over in silence, and the meeting had been +convened to consider how they should be met, whether by a reasoned protest +or by retaliation. + +Miss Messalina Stoot, who punctuated her remarks with the clashing of a +pair of cymbals, observed that as a thorough-going Dadaist she had no +sympathy with the half-hearted attitude of the Chairman. It was a battle +between Dada and Gaga, and emphatically Dada must win. + +Mr. Mimram Stoot, who accompanied himself on the sarrusophone, endorsed the +iconoclastic views of his sister. The only poetry that counted was that +which caused spinal chills and issued from husky haughty lips. The moanings +of mediaeval molluscs were of no avail, though they might excite the +crustacean fossils of Oxford, the home of lost causes. + +Mr. Seumas O'Gambhaoil wished to protest against Mr. NOYES' statement that +there were ten thousand Bolshevist poets in our midst. This was a shameless +underestimate of the total, which was at least twice that figure. Mr. +GODLEY'S offence, however, was much worse, as he was an Irishman, though of +the self-expatriated type to which GOLDSMITH and MOORE belonged. The rest +of Mr. O'Gambhaoil's speech was delivered in Irish, but he was understood +to advocate a repatriation of all Irish renegades to be tried and dealt +with by the Sinn Fein Republic. + +Mr. Caradoc Cramp applauded the sentiments of the last speaker, but +considered that he avoided the real issue. The Chairman had declared +himself a Georgian, but that was not enough. The worst enemies of Free +Verse were to be found in that camp. In technique and even in thought there +was little to choose between many so-called Georgians and the most effete +and reactionary Victorians. He alluded to the War poets, or rather the +"Duration" poets, most of whom were already back-numbers. Between these and +the Post-war poets, the true super-Georgians or paulo-post-Georgians, it +was necessary to make a clean cut. To protest against Messrs. GODLEY and +NOYES was a mere waste of time and energy. They might just as well protest +against the existence of an extinct volcano or the skeleton of the +brontosaurus. The real danger to be faced was the intrinsic subjectivity of +the early and mid-Georgian poets, of whom the Chairman had been so powerful +and consistent a supporter. He accordingly called for volunteers to storm +the platform, and, a large number having responded to his appeal, Mr. MARSH +was dislodged from the Chair after a gallant fight. A resolution of +adherence to the principles of "Dada" having been passed by a large +majority, the meeting broke up to the strains of the famous song-- + + a e ou o youyouyou i e ou o + youyouyou + drrrrdrrrrdrrrrgrrrrgrrrrrgrrrrrrrr + beng bong beng bang + boumboum boumboum boumboum. + + * * * * * + + "Gentleman, Interested in Tattooing and largely covered, would like to + hear from other enthusiasts to compare notes."--_Times._ + +We trust the "bare-back" mode is not going to spread to the more modest +sex. + + * * * * * + +From a "stores" circular:-- + + "THIS WEEK'S ECONOMY OFFERS. + + Honey in Sections, each 3/9, three for 14/0." + +The economy consists, of course, in buying them one at a time. + + * * * * * + +WATER-BABIES. + + In a limbo of desolate waters, + In the void of a flood-stricken plain, + You will find them--the sons and the daughters + Of tropical rain. + + For when rivers are one with the ocean, + When the ricefields and roads are no more, + There's a feeling of magic, a notion + Of fairyland lore; + + And the babies of Burma can revel + In a nursery of whirlpool and slime, + Where it thunders and rains like the devil + For weeks at a time. + + They paddle their rafts through the jungle; + They swim through a network of leaves; + They clamber with never a bungle + To dive from the eaves. + + 'Tis an orgy of goblins, an image + Of nudity flouting the flood, + Of shorn-headed brownies who scrimmage + And splash in the mud. + + As we row neath a tamarind, one'll + Roll off with a gesture of fright, + Bobbing up like a cork at our gunwale + And gurgling delight. + + But never a stanza shall measure + The joy of that desperate crew + Of four-year-olds scouring for treasure + Astride a bamboo. + + Their fathers smoke, huddled in sorrow, + Their mothers chew betel and fret, + And the pariahs howl for a morrow + Which shall not be wet; + + The plovers wheel o'er them complaining, + And it's only the babies who pray + That the skies may be raining and raining + For ever and aye. + + + J.M.S. + + * * * * * + +ANOTHER MESOPOTAMIAN SCANDAL. + + "The commodious and fast ss. 40 will leave Basrah for Baghdad and all + intermediate ports on Saturday morning at 9 A.M. Passengers will embark + at 10 A.M."--_Basrah Times._ + + * * * * * + + "END OF COTTON SUIT. + + DRAMATIC COLLAPSE."--_Daily Paper._ + +We are more than ever convinced of the superior wearing qualities of +woollen. + + * * * * * + + "The Government of the Commonwealth of Australia agrees to the + admission on passport of Indian merchants, students, tourests, with + there irrespective wives."--_Indian Paper._ + +But ought any Government to encourage this sort of thing? + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Dancing Man_ (_at Galleries of New Primitive Art Society_). +"ONE WOULD HAVE THOUGHT, WITH SUCH A GOOD FLOOR, THEY MIGHT HAVE PUT UP +SOME BETTER PICTURES."] + + * * * * * + +OUR BOOKING-OFFICE. + +(_By Mr. Punch's Staff of Learned Clerks._) + +Following the iconoclastic spirit of the age, Mr. BARRY PAIN has essayed in +_The Death of Maurice_ (SKEFFINGTON) the revolutionary experiment of a +murder mystery tale that does not contain (_a_) a love interest, (_b_) a +wrongly suspected hero, (_c_) a baffled inspector, (_d_) an amateur, but +inspired, detective. It would be a grateful task to add that the result +proves the superfluity of these time-worn accessories. But the cold fact is +that, to me at least, the proof went the other way. From the first I was +painfully aware of a lack of snap about the whole business, and I am more +than suspicious that the author himself may have shared my unwilling +indifference. _Maurice_ was an artistic bachelor, a landowner, a +manufacturer of jam, a twin (with a bogie gift of knowing at any moment the +relative position of his other half, which might have been worked for far +more effect than is actually obtained from it), and a reputation of making +enemies. He had also an unusual neighbour, in the person of a young woman +whose unconventionality led her to perambulate the common at midnight, +playing the first bars of _Solveig's Song_ upon the flute. One night, at +the close of the first chapter, a gun was heard. But you are wrong to +suppose (however naturally) that the flute-player was the victim. It was +_Maurice_. And of course the problem was, who did it. I have told you my +own experience of the working out; nothing written by Mr. BARRY PAIN can +ever be really dull, just as no story starting with a mysterious murder can +lack a certain intrigue; but the fact remains that my wish, heroically +resisted, to look on to the last chapter was prompted more often by +impatience than by any compelling curiosity. Others may be happier. + + * * * * * + +The author of _A Journal of Small Things_ has done much to make us +understand the sufferings of stricken France and the more intimate sorrows +of war. _Chill Hours_ (MELROSE) deals with that dark period before the end, +when, to some, it seemed all but certain that the will to victory must +fail. Of the three parts of this gracious little book the first consists of +six sketches of life behind the lines, life both gentle and simple, as +affected by war. "Odette in Pink Taffeta," an episode of bereavement, is in +particular exquisitely visualised. "Their Places" and "The Second Hay" +treat, with a quiet intensity of conviction, of the absolutely deadening +absorption, by overwork and anxiety, of peasant wives and children left to +carry on in the absence of their men. The third part is a series of +hospital vignettes. They do not attempt to be too cheery, but they have the +stamp of realised truth. "Nostalgia," the second part, is in another +mood--recalled memories of the beauties of a loved land and of dear common +things affectionately seen. To those who dare look at war with open eyes +and who take pleasure in sincere and beautifully-phrased writing I commend +Mrs. HELEN MACKAY'S book without reserve. + + * * * * * + +_Somewhere in Christendom_ (ALLEN AND UNWIN) is somewhat embarrassing to a +reviewer, for it has the theme of a great book with the manner of a trivial +one. It is the history of a very much smaller nation, Ethuria, left +despoiled and starving at the end of a nine-years' war, in which its great +neighbours have used it as a battle-ground. Revolution begins, but a woman +prophet steps in and switches it off in an unusual direction. The Ethurians +perfect among themselves that fellowship which is the nice ideal behind +many nasty manifestations in the real world, and, when next they are +invaded by neighbouring nations anxious to use them as an excuse for +belligerency, they resolutely stick to their guns (only the metaphor is +most unsuitable), refuse to find any cause of quarrel with their "foreign +brothers," and finally persuade them to abandon the ideals of war, so that +peace on earth becomes a reality at last. Here is the book's theme; its +working out allows for a boxing match between the President of Hygeia and +the Foreign Secretary of Tritonia as the minimum of hostilities; a wicked +newspaper lord, who pulls strings in both countries, and a faithful butler +to the Royal Family, who becomes assistant state nursemaid and cleans +silver as a hobby. Though I quite agree with Miss EVELYN SHARP and the +Ethurians that it _is_ love that makes the world go round, I am not so sure +that either hers or theirs is the best way of advocating their common +cause. + + * * * * * + +You may remember an original and striking book of papers about the theatre +under the title of _Buzz-Buzz_. Its author, JAMES E. AGATE, has now +followed it with another, called, rather grimly, _Responsibility_ +(RICHARDS). You will be absolutely correct in guessing that this is not a +treatise on revue, being indeed an autobiographical novel of (I feel bound +to add) precisely the same calibre as, in the sister realm of drama, made +the name of Manchester at one period a word of awe. Why do these young +Mancunians recollect to such stupendous purpose? Here is Mr. AGATE, with an +introduction of forty-four pages, all about time and infinity, before he +can get his protagonist so much as started anywhere at all. It is a little +like one of those demon-scenes out of the pantomimes he describes so +lovingly--"_Do so! May safety and success attend on Crusoe._" But of course +the subsequent action is more responsible. I imagine Mr. AGATE'S picture of +young-man life in the Manchester of the nineties to be very much like the +real thing. Relaxation was not wholly remote from it. Cotton and +commandments were broken with equal facility. Also you may be impressed by +the number of Germans in it. Finally, after telling us, sometimes +engagingly, sometimes verbosely, all he can remember about Lancashire, Mr. +AGATE brings his hero to Town, levers him along, year after year, and gets +(almost on his last page) to his big situation. I won't spoil it. +_Responsibility_, which might better have been called "Garrulity," is a +novel containing boredom and charm in about equal proportions; not to +mention promise for the days when its author has learned to discipline his +too-ready pen. + + * * * * * + +From the early part of 1915 until the end of 1917 Admiral Sir REGINALD +BACON commanded at Dover, and from the preface to _The Dover Patrol_ +(HUTCHINSON) we can gather that he is smarting under a considerable sense +of injustice and injury. Of the merits of his case--he frankly describes +his dismissal as brutal--I do not pretend to judge, but can safely assume +that the other side have something to say for themselves, if they care to. +However, you are not to suppose that this is a bitter book. Most generous +are the praises which the Admiral bestows upon his subordinates; his venom +he reserves for just the chosen few who, no doubt, can bear it. Apart from +personal recriminations, of which some of us must be more than tired, these +two portly volumes are of real historical value. You will find in them not +only a record of actual achievements, often carried out under desperately +difficult conditions, but also of projects which for one reason or another +were never fulfilled. "Why don't we try to land on the Belgian coast?" was +a question our amateur strategists were never weary of asking. Well, here +is their answer. Here, too, are countless photographs, charts, plans and +diagrams--a really wonderful collection. Even if you are not in the least +interested in Sir REGINALD'S grievances you will find him a writer who has +a lot of useful things to say and knows how to say them. + + * * * * * + +AN EFFECT OF THE CRIME WAVE. + +[Illustration: _Both._ "HM! HE _LOOKS_ RESPECTABLE--] + +[Illustration: --_STILL_, ONE NEVER KNOWS."] + + * * * * * + + "The normal average amount of clothing required in a temperate climate + such as ours is: _One pound weight of clothing to every one stone + weight of the body_.... Thus the clothes of a child weighing 3 stones + should be 3lb., and for a man or woman weighing 10 stones the clothes + should weigh 10lb. This is a definite statement; at any rate, disprove + it who can."--_Sir JAMES CANTLIE in "The Daily Mail."_ + +We gave instructions to our Mathematical specialist to work out the +figures, and his report is that he finds them substantially correct. + + + + + + +End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Volume +158, February 11, 1920, by Various + +*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH, OR THE LONDON *** + +***** This file should be named 16394.txt or 16394.zip ***** +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: + https://www.gutenberg.org/1/6/3/9/16394/ + +Produced by Jonathan Ingram, Keith Edkins and the Online +Distributed Proofreading Team at https://www.pgdp.net + + +Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions +will be renamed. + +Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no +one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation +(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without +permission and without paying copyright royalties. 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