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diff --git a/16394-h/16394-h.htm b/16394-h/16394-h.htm new file mode 100644 index 0000000..c5c5399 --- /dev/null +++ b/16394-h/16394-h.htm @@ -0,0 +1,2503 @@ +<!DOCTYPE html PUBLIC "-//W3C//DTD XHTML 1.0 Transitional//EN" + "http://www.w3.org/TR/xhtml1/DTD/xhtml1-transitional.dtd"> + +<html xmlns="http://www.w3.org/1999/xhtml"> +<head> + <meta http-equiv="Content-Type" content="text/html; charset=iso-8859-1" /> + + <title>Punch, February 11th, 1920.</title> + + <style type="text/css"> + <!-- + body {margin-left: 10%; margin-right: 10%;} + p {text-align: justify;} + p.center {text-align: center;} + p.author {text-align: right; margin-top: -1em; margin-right: 5%;} + p.right {text-align: right; margin-right: 5%;} + .i16 {margin-left: 8em;} + blockquote {text-align: justify;} + h1,h2,h3,h4,h5,h6 {text-align: center;} + pre {font-size: 0.7em;} + + hr {text-align: center; width: 50%;} + html>body hr {margin-right: 25%; margin-left: 25%; width: 50%;} + hr.full {width: 100%;} + html>body hr.full {margin-right: 0%; margin-left: 0%; width: 100%;} + hr.short {text-align: center; width: 20%;} + html>body hr.short {margin-right: 40%; margin-left: 40%; width: 20%;} + + .sc {font-variant: small-caps;} + .note + {margin-left: 10%; margin-right: 10%; font-size: 0.9em;} + + span.pagenum + {position: absolute; left: 1%; right: 91%; font-size: 8pt; text-indent: 0;} + + .poem + {margin-left:10%; margin-right:10%; margin-bottom: 1em; text-align: left;} + .poem .stanza {margin: 1em 0em 1em 0em;} + .poem p {margin: 0; padding-left: 3em; text-indent: -3em;} + .poem p.i2 {margin-left: 1em;} + .poem p.i4 {margin-left: 2em;} + .poem p.i6 {margin-left: 3em;} + .poem p.i8 {margin-left: 4em;} + .poem p.i10 {margin-left: 5em;} + .poem p.i12 {margin-left: 6em;} + .poem p.i16 {margin-left: 8em;} + + .figure, .figcenter, .figright, .figleft + {padding: 1em; margin: 0; text-align: center; font-size: 0.8em;} + .figure img, .figcenter img, .figright img, .figleft img + {border: none;} + .figure p, .figcenter p, .figright p, .figleft p + {margin: 0; text-indent: 1em;} + .figure p.in, .figcenter p.in, .figright p.in, .figleft p.in + {margin: 0; text-indent: 8em;} + .figcenter {margin: auto;} + .figright {float: right;} + .figleft {float: left;} + --> + </style> +</head> +<body> + + +<pre> + +The Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Volume 158, +February 11, 1920, by Various + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: Punch, or the London Charivari, Volume 158, February 11, 1920 + +Author: Various + +Release Date: July 30, 2005 [EBook #16394] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1 + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH, OR THE LONDON *** + + + + +Produced by Jonathan Ingram, Keith Edkins and the Online +Distributed Proofreading Team at https://www.pgdp.net + + + + + + +</pre> + + <h1>PUNCH,<br /> + OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.</h1> + + <h2>Vol. 158.</h2> + <hr class="full" /> + + <h2>February 11th, 1920.</h2> + <hr class="full" /> +<span class="pagenum"><a name="page101" id="page101"></a>[pg 101]</span> + +<h2>CHARIVARIA.</h2> + + <p>"If a burglar broke into my house," says Lady <font + class="sc">Beecham</font>, "I should use the telephone to summon help." + Lady <font class="sc">Beecham</font> seems to have a sanguine + temperament.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + + <p>Asked how she would act in case a burglar broke into her house, Miss + <font class="sc">Iris Hoey</font> said she would stand before him and + recite <font class="sc">Shakspeare</font>. If anybody else had said this + we should have suspected a cruel nature.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + + <p>A libel action arising, out of the representation by a German artist + of the ex-<font class="sc">Crown Prince</font> as a baboon is to be heard + shortly. It is not yet known who is to prosecute on behalf of the local + Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Animals.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + + <p>Nine thousand officials have been appointed to control the food + supplies in Petrograd. English Government officials regard this + arrangement as the work of an amateur.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + + <p>It is said that the exchange crisis is regarded by Mr. <font + class="sc">C.B. Cochran</font> as a deliberate attempt to divert + attention from the <font class="sc">Dempsey</font> contest.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + + <p>The rumour that <font class="sc">Carpentier</font> and <font + class="sc">Dempsey</font>, in order to avoid further fuss and publicity, + have decided to fight it out privately, appears to have no + foundation.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + + <p>Wrexham Education Committee is reconsidering its decision against + teaching Welsh in the elementary schools. The pathetic case of a local + man who was recently convicted of stealing a leg of beef owing to his + being unable to give his evidence in Welsh is thought to have something + to do with it.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + + <p>A domestic servants' union has been formed and an advertisement for a + good plain shop stewardess (two in family; policeman kept) will, we + understand, shortly appear in <i>The Morning Post</i>.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + + <p>During the recent gales on the West Coast of Ireland the anemometer + registered the unprecedented velocity of one hundred-and-ten miles per + hour. A number of cases of anemonia are reported from the Phœnix + Park district.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + + <p>According to <i>Men's Wear</i>, silk hats are to be increased in price + by at least thirty per cent. Is it by this process, we wonder, that they + hope to drive Mr. <font class="sc">Churchill</font> out of business?</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + + <p>A pig and sty constituted first prize at a recent whist drive at + Bishop's Waltham. We understand that a difference of opinion between the + winner and the pig as regards the user of the sty has ended fatally for + the latter.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + + <p>It is reported that the Victory badge now being worn extensively in + New York is to be replaced by another bearing the inscription, "We did + them."</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + + <p>"I intend to tour England," says a Prohibition lecturer, "and I will + not be hurried." We recommend the railway.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + + <p>A Tralee man charged with shooting a neighbour said he had no desire + to break the law. It seems that he mistook the man for a policeman.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + + <p>A French physician declares that a gift for yawning is one of the most + valuable health-assets. This should be good news for revue-producers.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + + <p>"Honesty," says Dr. <font class="sc">Ingram</font>, "is the best + policy after all." All the same some of our profiteers seem to get along + pretty well, thank you.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + + <p>The egg-laying competition promoted by <i>The Daily Mail</i> has + proved a great success. It is most gratifying to learn that the hens have + done their best for "the paper that got us the shells."</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + + <p>"The influenza microbe," announces a medical journal, "has made its + appearance in many parts of the country and is slowly but surely making + its way towards London." With any other Government than ours a simple + suggestion that the sign-posts <i>en route</i> should be reversed would + have been at once adopted.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + + <p>During the last four weeks exactly four hundred and ninety-nine rats + have been destroyed in a small town in South Bedfordshire. It is hoped + that as soon as these figures are published a sporting rodent will give + itself up in order to complete the fifth century.</p> + +<hr /> + + <div class="figcenter" style="width:50%;"> + <a href="images/096.png"><img width="100%" src="images/096.png" + alt="" /></a> + <p>"<font class="sc">Why haven't you got on spurs?</font>"</p> + + <p>"<font class="sc">I was going to speak about that, Sir. I regret I + accidentally omitted to put them on this morning, and consequently have + caught cold. So I was going to ask you to be kind enough to grant me + leave until</font>—"</p> + </div> +<hr /> + + <blockquote> + <p>"A champagne support was provided in the lower hall."—<i>Local + Paper.</i></p> + + </blockquote> + <p>Very sustaining, we feel sure.</p> + +<hr /> + + <blockquote> + <p>"The paper supports the proposed formation of a first army of 'shock + troops,' which would be capable of preventing the mobilisation of a great + Germy army."—<i>Evening Paper.</i></p> + + </blockquote> + <p>Anything to keep the influenza at bay.</p> + +<hr /> + + <blockquote> + <p>"The times for the incubation of the eggs of various birds are as + under:—</p> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Ostrich 41 days.</p> + <p>Gnu 49 days."—<i>Poultry-Keeping.</i></p> + </div> + </div> + + </blockquote> + <p>"Gnus, indeed!" said the Emu.</p> + +<hr /> + +<span class="pagenum"><a name="page102" id="page102"></a>[pg 102]</span> + +<h2>TO AMERICA</h2> + + <p>(<i>deferentially hinting how others see her and what they think of + her threatened repudiation of her <font class="sc">President's</font> + pledges</i>).</p> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>When you refuse to sign the Peace</p> + <p class="i2">Except with various "reservations,"</p> + <p>And prophesy a swift decease</p> + <p class="i2">Impinging on the League of Nations;</p> + <p>When you whose arms (we've understood)</p> + <p class="i2">Settled the War and wiped the Bosch out</p> + <p>Regard the whole world's brotherhood</p> + <p class="i6">As just a wash-out;</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>You say, in terms a little blunt,</p> + <p class="i2">"This scheme that you are advertising</p> + <p>Was all along a private stunt</p> + <p class="i2">Of <font class="sc">Wilson's</font> singular devising;</p> + <p>His game we weren't allowed to know;</p> + <p class="i2">Under a misty smile he masked it;</p> + <p>We never gave him leave to go</p> + <p class="i4"> (He never asked it).</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>"And you, poor credulous Allies,</p> + <p class="i2">Found in this fellow, self-appointed,</p> + <p>The worth he had in his own eyes</p> + <p class="i2">And let him pose as God's anointed;</p> + <p>Taking no sort of pains to see</p> + <p class="i2">Whether or not he had a mandate,</p> + <p>Like puppy-dogs the other Three</p> + <p class="i6">Out of his hand ate."</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>But how if <i>we</i> had queered his claim</p> + <p class="i2">Or questioned his credentials, saying,</p> + <p>"Who is this <font class="sc">Woodrow</font> What's-his-name?</p> + <p class="i2">And what's the <i>rôle</i> he thinks he's playing?</p> + <p>Is he a Methodist divine?</p> + <p class="i2">Or does he boom Chicago bacon?"—</p> + <p>I think that I can guess the line</p> + <p class="i6">You would have taken.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>"Behold a Man," I hear you say,</p> + <p class="i2">"Of peerless wit and ripe instruction,</p> + <p>Elect of Heaven and U.S.A.—</p> + <p class="i2">Surely an ample introduction;</p> + <p>He comes to put Creation right;</p> + <p class="i2">He brings no chits—he doesn't need 'em;</p> + <p>Who doubts his faith will have to fight</p> + <p class="i4"> The Bird of Freedom!"</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p class="i16">O.S.</p> + </div> + </div> + +<hr /> + +<h2>"SMALL ADS."</h2> + + <p>"Where do you get servants from?" I asked.</p> + + <p>"From small ads.," said Phyllis promptly.</p> + + <p>I picked up the paper from the floor where I had thrown it in the + morning. My wife is one of those rare women who always leave things where + you put them. It is this trait that endears her to me. I ran my trained + eye over an ad. column.</p> + + <p>"Got it at once," I said with pardonable pride. "How's + this?—'General (genuine), stand any test trd. £70 possess. s. hands + yrs. s.a.v.'"</p> + + <p>"I like genuine people," said Phyllis thoughtfully. "And under the + circumstances"—(here she looked hard at me, as if I were a + circumstance)—"under the circumstances I think we ought to have one + that will stand any test. Seventy pounds is out of the question, of + course, but she might come for less when she sees how small we are. What + does 's. hands yrs.' stand for?"</p> + + <p>"I don't know," I said; "I can only think of 'soft hands for + years.'"</p> + + <p>"I should like her," said Phyllis. "Their hands are the one thing + against Generals. She must be a nice girl to take such care of them. + Think how careful she'd be with the china. What's 'trd.'?"</p> + + <p>"I'm afraid it must mean tired," I said.</p> + + <p>"Oh, she'd soon get rested here," said Phyllis; "I don't think that + need be against her. She's probably been in a hard place lately. Are + there any more?"</p> + + <p>"Plenty," I said. "How does this one strike you?—'General. no + bacon. possess. 2 rms. £45 wky. s.a.v.'"</p> + + <p>"I like that one," said Phyllis. "She must be an awfully unselfish + girl to go without bacon. I don't see how we are going to spare two + rooms, though, unless she's willing to count the kitchen as one. + Forty-five pounds a week must be a printer's error. But we can easily + afford forty-five pounds a year."</p> + + <p>"It may mean that she's 'weakly,'" I suggested.</p> + + <p>"That wouldn't matter much," said Phyllis; "and I like her the better + for being honest about it."</p> + + <p>"'Wky.' <i>might</i> stand for 'whisky,'" I hinted darkly.</p> + + <p>Phyllis blanched. "Then she's no good," she said; "I simply couldn't + stand one that drinks. What's the next one like?"</p> + + <p>I read on: "Domestic oil no risk. 6 dys. trd. s. hands 10 yrs. + s.a.v."</p> + + <p>"I wonder whether that means that she <i>can</i> cook on an oil-stove + or that she <i>can't</i> cook on any other kind? And does the 'no risk' + refer to her or the stove? It's not very clear. I don't think we'll take + up this one's references. Besides I shouldn't like one that was tired for + six days."</p> + + <p>"Out of every seven," I added, "and the seventh day would be the + Sabbath, and her day off."</p> + + <p>"Go on to the next," said Phyllis firmly.</p> + + <p>The next one merely said; "General. Kilburn tkg. £40 1 rm. s.a.v."</p> + + <p>"It would be nice to have a taking sort of girl," I thought + (unfortunately aloud).</p> + + <p>"We won't think of her, the hussy!" said Phyllis. "Pass me the paper, + please."</p> + + <p>"They all seem to want 's.a.v.,'" she said. "What do you suppose it + means? I wish they wouldn't use so many abbreviations. 'S.a.' stands for + Sunday afternoon, of course, but I can't think what the 'v.' is for. Of + course we'll give them Sunday afternoons free, if that's what it means. I + only wonder they don't want an evening off in the week as well. I call + them most reasonable. And there are so many to choose from. I always + understood from mother that they're so hard to get."</p> + + <p>Then she turned the paper over.</p> + + <p>"Oh, you are stupid!" she said. "You've been looking at the 'Shops and + Businesses for Sale' column."</p> + + <p>"So've you," I snapped.</p> + + <p>And then I regret to say we had our first quarrel.</p> + + <p>I told Phyllis firmly that she is not at all tkg., nor would she stand + any test; that no one could engage her, much less marry her, without + taking risks; that she hadn't had s. hands for yrs., that <i>she</i> + wouldn't go without her bacon for anyone, and that I should be jolly + thankful if she would take every blessed s.a.v.</p> + + <p>I admit that Phyllis was more dignified. She merely sailed out of the + room, remarking that I made her trd.</p> + +<hr /> + +<h4>"Our Invincible Navy."</h4> + + <p>In continuation of a paragraph in his last issue, Mr. Punch expresses + his regret if the article which appeared under the above title in these + pages on January 14th has unwittingly given offence to any one of his + readers through others having connected him with the character of + <i>Reginald McTaggart</i>.</p> + +<hr /> + +<span class="pagenum"><a name="page103" id="page103"></a>[pg 103]</span> + + <div class="figcenter" style="width:100%;"> + <a href="images/098.png"><img width="100%" src="images/098.png" + alt="" /></a> + <h3>THE CONSCIENTIOUS BURGLAR.</h3> + + <p><font class="sc">Paisley Humanitarian.</font> "IF I COULD ONLY BE + QUITE SURE THAT I SHOULDN'T BE DISCOURAGING HIM FROM SAVING."</p> + + <p>[Mr. <font class="sc">Asquith</font> has pronounced himself + cautiously in favour of a Capital Levy, on the condition, amongst + others, that it must not be allowed to discourage the habit of + saving.]</p> + </div> +<hr /> + +<span class="pagenum"><a name="page104" id="page104"></a>[pg 104]</span> + + <div class="figcenter" style="width:100%;"> + <a href="images/099.png"><img width="100%" src="images/099.png" + alt="" /></a> + <h3>JULIUS CÆSAR ON THE LINKS.</h3> + + <p class="center"><i>Actor</i> (<i>whose knowledge of <font + class="sc">Shakspeare</font> is greater than his golf</i>). "'<font + class="sc">O, pardon me, thou bleeding piece of earth.</font>'"</p> + </div> +<hr /> + +<h2>RINGS FROM SATURN.</h2> + +<p class="center">(<i>Extracted from various issues of "The +Daily Mandate."</i>)</p> + +<p class="center">I.</p> + + <p><i>To the Editor of "The Daily Mandate."</i></p> + + <p><font class="sc">Sir,</font>—For a number of years I have been + experimenting in wireless telephony with my installation on the heights + of Lavender Hill. On several occasions recently I have been puzzled by + mysterious ringings of the bell attached to the instrument, which have + obviously been set up by long-distance waves. On taking up the receiver, + however, I have been unable to make out any coherent message, but only a + succession of irregular squeaks, although once I distinctly, heard a word + which I can only transcribe as "Gurroo." I have no doubt in my own mind + that one of the more advanced planets is trying to get in touch with us + by means of wireless telephony, and that once we have deciphered the code + we shall be able to converse freely with its inhabitants. I myself + incline to the belief that these rings emanate from Saturn, which, in + spite of its great distance from the earth, is just as likely to wish to + communicate with us as any other planet.</p> + +<p class="center">Yours faithfully,</p> + +<p class="author"><font class="sc">Diogenes Dottle</font>, F.R.S.</p> + +<p class="center">II.</p> + + <p>Mr. Dottle's remarkable letter, published in our issue of yesterday, + suggesting that inhabitants of Saturn have been endeavouring to + communicate with the earth by means of wireless telephony, has created + profound excitement in scientific and other circles. To a representative + of <i>The Daily Mandate</i> a number of well-known men expressed their + views on the matter, which will undoubtedly stimulate further + investigation into the momentous possibilities of this epoch-making + revelation. The opinions advanced, which are, on the whole, highly + favourable to Mr. Dottle's theory, are as follows:—</p> + + <p><i>Sir Potiphar Shucks, the famous astronomer</i>: "The possibility + that Saturn is inhabited is one that, in the absence of incontrovertible + evidence either way, should not lightly be set aside. Assuming that it is + inhabited, that its people are skilled in the use of wireless telephony + and that it is possible to set up waves of sufficient intensity to travel + all the way from Saturn to us, I see no reason why communications of the + nature suggested by Mr. Dottle should not at some future date become an + accomplished fact."</p> + + <p><i>Mr. Artesian Pitts, the well-known imaginative historian</i>: "I + have long held the belief that Saturn is inhabited by a type of being + possessing a cylinder-like body composed of an unresisting pulp, a high + dome-shaped head filled with gas, and long tentacles, bristling with + electricity, through which all sensations are emitted and received. These + tentacles would act as an ideal telephonic apparatus, so that there is + every likelihood of Mr. Dottle's having actually received a message from + Saturn. I take 'Gurroo' to be Saturnian for 'Hello.'"</p> + + <p><i>Signor Tromboni, the pioneer of wireless telephony</i>: "We are + making <span class="pagenum"><a name="page105" id="page105"></a>[pg + 105]</span> arrangements to test Mr. Dottle's interesting theory, and for + this purpose are erecting a special installation on the top of Mt. + Kilimanjaro, which is several thousand feet higher than Lavender Hill. At + our own stations we have frequently noticed mysterious ringings, which we + have hitherto ascribed to carelessness on the part of operators; but Mr. + Dottle's letter opens up a new world of possibilities. <i>The Daily + Mandate</i> is to be congratulated on the prominence it has given to the + subject, which has already had the effect of sending Tromboni shares up + several points."</p> + + <p><i>Mr. G. Shawburn</i>: "It is an insult to Creation to assume that + ours is the only populated planet. Of course Saturn is inhabited, but, + unlike our own world, by people of intelligence. In the matter of mental + advancement Saturn can make rings round the earth. All the same I don't + for one moment suppose that Mr. Dottle knows what he's talking + about."</p> + + <p><i>The <font class="sc">Postmaster-General</font></i>: "Nothing is + known in the Department under my control of telephone calls having been + received from Saturn or the neighbourhood. I do not propose for the + present to take any steps in the matter."</p> + + <p><i>The <font class="sc">Lord Mayor</font></i>: "Saturn is a long way + off."</p> + +<p class="center">III.</p> + + <p>(<i>Extract from leading article.</i>)</p> + + <p>"... Again we ask, 'What is the Government doing?' For several days + now our columns have been ringing with the world-wide acclamation of this + stupendous discovery, beside the potentialities of which the wildest + efforts of imaginative literature are reduced to pallid and uninspired + commonplaces. Even so cautious a scientist as Sir Potiphar Shucks has + declared that the idea of Saturn being inhabited is one that 'should not + lightly be set aside,' and has announced his conviction that under + favourable conditions communication with that planet should in the near + future become 'an accomplished fact.' Other eminent leaders of thought + and action, including Signor Tromboni, are even more enthusiastic in + their reception of the great theory first given to the world by Mr. + Diogenes Dottle in a letter to <i>The Daily Mandate</i>. But the <font + class="sc">Postmaster-General</font> is content to treat the question + with the airy scepticism and obstructive complacency that have rendered + the London Telephone service a byword of inefficiency, and refuses even + to make a grant in aid of the work of investigation.</p> + + <p>"In these circumstances the proprietors of <i>The Daily Mandate</i> + have much pleasure in announcing that they will pay the sum of ten + thousand pounds to the first man, woman or child in the British Empire + who can produce evidence of having received an intelligible telephonic + message from Saturn, and a further sum of one hundred thousand pounds to + the first person to send a message to that planet and receive a clear + reply. The services of a Board of distinguished experts are being engaged + for the purpose of testing and adjudicating all claims.</p> + + <p>"<i>Meanwhile the <font class="sc">Postmaster-General</font> must + go.</i>"</p> + +<hr /> + + <div class="figcenter" style="width:66%;"> + <a href="images/100.png"><img width="100%" src="images/100.png" + alt="" /></a> + <p><i>Indignant Egoist.</i> "<font class="sc">Be careful up there what + you're dropping. That precious nearly hit me!</font>"</p> + </div> +<hr /> + + <blockquote> + <p>"It may safely be said that there are more millionaires to the square + yard in Bradford than in any other city in the country, not even + excepting London or New York."—<i>Daily Paper.</i></p> + + </blockquote> + <p>The news that Britain has annexed the United States will comfort those + who thought it was the other way about.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + + <blockquote> + <p>"The incessant singing of a cricket in a London church compelled the + preacher to shorten his sermon."—<i>The Children's + Newspaper.</i></p> + + </blockquote> + <p>We may now expect increased enthusiasm for the "Sunday Cricket" + movement.</p> + +<hr /> + +<span class="pagenum"><a name="page106" id="page106"></a>[pg 106]</span> + +<h2>A VERMIN OFFENSIVE.</h2> + + <p>There was a faint scuffling sound behind the wainscot.</p> + + <p>"There it is again," said Araminta.</p> + + <p>"Not a doubt of it," I replied, turning pale.</p> + + <p>Thrusting on my hat I rushed up the hill to the Town Hall and asked to + see the Clerk of the Borough Council immediately.</p> + + <p>"I have reason to suspect," I said in a hoarse low whisper, as soon as + I was shown into the man's presence, "that our premises are in imminent + danger of being infested. Counsel me as to what I should do."</p> + + <p>"It is your duty as a good citizen to take such steps as may from time + to time be necessary and reasonably practicable to destroy the vermin," + he said in a rather weary and mechanical tone.</p> + + <p>"I hope I am not one to take my civic duties lightly," I replied with + some <i>hauteur</i>, "but observe that I merely said I had reason to + suspect the imminence of the peril. I should like to know the legal + definition of infestment, if you please. I cannot definitely say that + house-breaking has taken place as yet. I do not know that there has even + been petty larceny. There may have been merely loitering with felonious + intent."</p> + + <p>"What is the size of your premises?" he inquired.</p> + + <p>"It is more a messuage than a premises," I explained. "About twelve + feet by ten, I should say—speaking without the lease."</p> + + <p>"And how many vermin do you expect it to be about to harbour?"</p> + + <p>"None have actually hove in sight at present," I said reassuringly, + "but there is a sound of one in the offing—in the wainscoting, I + mean."</p> + + <p>"In a residence of your size I should say that a single mouse would + constitute infestation within the meaning of the Act, so soon as it + forces an ingress. It will then be your bounden duty to demolish it. How + about purchasing a trap?"</p> + + <p>"You are sure that is better than hiding behind the arras and hitting + it over the head with a pole-axe?" I inquired anxiously, "or proffering + it a bowl of poisoned wine?"</p> + + <p>"Poison is no longer supplied free," he answered coldly, and I went + out.</p> + + <p>Very luckily, as I hastened up the hill, I had observed a building + with the words, "Job Masters. Traps for Hire," written upon a wooden + board. I went inside and found an elderly man sitting at a desk in a + small office. He looked extremely patient. "Are you Job?" I asked + breathlessly. "I have come to buy a mouse-trap."</p> + + <p>Appearances, of course, are quite often deceptive. They were in this + case. The elderly man was very much annoyed. When he had explained + matters forcibly to me I went on down the hill and entered an + ironmonger's.</p> + + <p>"I wish to buy a trap to catch a mouse," I said to the assistant + behind the counter.</p> + + <p>"Certainly, Sir. What size?" said the lad politely.</p> + + <p>"Small to medium," I replied, rather baffled. "It has only a + medium-sized scratch."</p> + + <p>He showed me a peculiar apparatus made of wire and wood containing + apparently a vestibule, two reception rooms, staircase and first-floor + lobby, with an open window and a diving-board. Underneath the window was + a small swimming tank.</p> + + <p>"I don't want a hydropathic exactly," I explained. "I propose to + exterminate this rodent, not to foster longevity in it. How does it + work?"</p> + + <p>He pointed out that, after examining the various apartments, the + animal would be allured by the fragrance of a small portion of cheese + placed above the diving-board; overbalancing, it would then be projected + into the water, where it would infallibly drown. "It is a thoroughly + humane instrument," he assured me, "and used in the best 'omes."</p> + + <p>I bought it and went on to a cheese foundry. Araminta was rather + scornful of the sanatorium when I came home with it and set it, loaded + and trained, on the dining-room floor; but the children were delighted. + It ranked only a little lower than the pantomime, and if only we could + have secured an outside visitor to it I believe that it would have + defeated the Zoo. To visit it with a sort of wistful hope became the + principal treat of the day. But, alas, the mansion remained untenanted. + Sometimes during a lull in conversation we would hear the faint scuffling + again, but after about six days I became convinced, by kneeling down and + placing my ear to the carpet like an Indian, that the noise was even + fainter than it had been at first. A terrible suspicion seized me. I + dashed out and rang the bell of the flat next door.</p> + + <p>"It is just as I feared," I said to Araminta on returning a few + moments later. "We are not going to be infested after all. The vermin has + been sighted in No. 140<font class="sc">b</font>."</p> + + <p>"We must make the best of it," she said, trying to speak cheerfully, + "though it <i>is</i> hard on the children, poor dears."</p> + + <p>"I wasn't thinking of the children," I replied bitterly; "I was + thinking of the expense. If we had been living in a house instead of a + flat we could at least have deducted it from the rates."</p> + + <p>I sat down and made out a bill as follows to the Clerk of the Borough + Council, heading it:—</p> + + <pre> + <i>On Account of Spurious Infestment.</i> + <i>s. d.</i> + To one Mouse Institute and Aquarium 5 6 + " Cheese 0 6 + " Labour at 2/6 per hour 0 71/2 + ------ + Total 6 71/2 + </pre> + + <p>The man replied coldly that the householder was responsible for all + expenditure incurred in precautionary measures and that the Council was + in no way liable for the costs resulting from an offensive that failed to + materialize. He ended with the rather rude postscript, "What kind of + cheese did you use?"</p> + + <p>This was a bit sickening. However, by threatening to lay information + against him, I have at last succeeded in inducing the occupier of + 140<font class="sc">b</font> to take over the abattoir at a very + satisfactory valuation. It was between that and buying his mouse.</p> + +<p class="author"><font class="sc">Evoe.</font></p> + +<hr /> + +<h3>TWO NIGHTMARES.</h3> + + <blockquote> + <p>[<i>Dreamed after reading in a daily paper that "any style of dress + that lessens one's self-confidence should be tabooed" (sic).</i>]</p> + + </blockquote> + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>I travelled from the Sussex hills</p> + <p class="i2">With confidence divine,</p> + <p>Full of the conscious power that thrills</p> + <p class="i2">My heart when life is mine,</p> + <p>And strode to Lady Fancy Frills</p> + <p class="i2">With whom I was to dine.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Her guests had come from Clubs and Courts</p> + <p class="i2">And Halls of wealthy Jews;</p> + <p>As they surveyed my running shorts</p> + <p class="i2">I felt my courage ooze,</p> + <p>While conscious power, grown out of sorts,</p> + <p class="i2">Leaked through my canvas shoes.</p> + </div> + </div> + +<hr class="short" /> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Then I re-travelled South by West</p> + <p class="i2">Inflated with a joy</p> + <p>Which in the suit I called my best</p> + <p class="i2">No buffet could destroy;</p> + <p>I may remark I'd come full-dressed</p> + <p class="i2">From lunch at the Savoy.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>But when the hills began to shout</p> + <p class="i2">I coloured to the roots,</p> + <p>And when the valleys cried, "Get out!"</p> + <p class="i2">To the last word in suits,</p> + <p>My joy, displaced by sudden doubt,</p> + <p class="i2">Leaked through my spatted boots.</p> + </div> + </div> + +<hr /> + + <p>Of the mysterious Marconigrams:—</p> + + <blockquote> + <p>"They may be the effort of sentiment beings in some neighbouring + planet to communicate with us."—<i>Evening Paper.</i></p> + + </blockquote> + <p>Can we have broken in on a conversation between <i>Venus</i> and + <i>Mars</i>?</p> + +<hr /> + +<span class="pagenum"><a name="page107" id="page107"></a>[pg 107]</span> + + <div class="figcenter" style="width:100%;"> + <a href="images/102.png"><img width="100%" src="images/102.png" + alt="" /></a> + <h3>MANNERS AND MODES.</h3> + + <p>PROFITEERING IN THE WEST END COMPELS MAYFAIR TO PUT ON ANY OLD RAGS + AND DO ITS SHOPPING IN SHOREDITCH.</p> + </div> +<hr /> + +<span class="pagenum"><a name="page108" id="page108"></a>[pg 108]</span> + + <div class="figcenter" style="width:100%;"> + <a href="images/103.png"><img width="100%" src="images/103.png" + alt="" /></a> + <h3>BEHIND THE SCENES IN CINEMA-LAND.</h3> + + <p class="center">"<font class="sc">Will you stand back, Sir? You're + spoiling the picture.</font>"</p> + </div> +<hr /> + +<h2>A CONFLICT OF EMOTIONS.</h2> + +<p class="center">(<i>With the British Army in France.</i>)</p> + + <p>"I've seen rivetters at New York pie-foundries and stew-specialists on + North Sea trawlers," said Percival severely, "but I never realised how + monotonous feeding could be till I got into a Mess controlled by + Binnie."</p> + + <p>Binnie puffed his pipe severely, being of the tough fibre which + enables Mess Presidents to endure. Frederick, who had been silent, rose + from his seat, heaved a distressing sigh and left the room.</p> + + <p>"There's the moral that adorns the tale, you—you public danger!" + continued Percival, indicating Frederick's retreating figure. "Look to + what a condition that once bright youth has been brought by your endless + stews and curries."</p> + + <p>"Not a bit of it," answered Binnie lightly. "Frederico could eat + patent breakfast food and toasted doormats without taxing his digestion. + His complaint is the tender passion. I recognise the symptoms."</p> + + <p>"It looks like an acute attack, anyhow," said Percival, rising, "and + prompt counter-irritants are indicated. But I'll confirm your diagnosis + first."</p> + + <p>Inside Frederick's quarters the sound of regular and sustained sighing + suggested that the sufferer was in the throes of a spasm of melancholy. + Percival entered and narrowly escaped being drawn into the vortex of a + particularly powerful inspiration.</p> + + <p>"Freddy, old pard," he said kindly, "why so <i>triste</i>? If the + trouble's financial, my cheque-book is unreservedly at your service. + Havin' no balance at the bank I've no use for it myself."</p> + + <p>"It's not that—at least not worse than usual," groaned + Frederick.</p> + + <p>"Then tell me all about it."</p> + + <p>"It's a long story," commenced Frederick.</p> + + <p>"Let me off with a synopsis," interrupted Percival.</p> + + <p>"Once upon a time," continued Frederick, "there was a big war, which + made quite a stir in the daily papers and was a common subject of + discussion in the clubs. There were many casualties, amongst them being a + blithe young laddy who came down to the Base with a fractured maxilla + caused by nibbling an M. and V. ration without previously removing the + outside tin—or something of the sort. He was sent to hospital and + devotedly tended by a Sister of exquisite beauty—such a figure and + such hair! It wasn't exactly auburn and not exactly burnished + bronze—"</p> + + <p>"And it wasn't pale puce and it wasn't ultramarine," broke in Percival + impatiently. "Tell me what it was, not what it wasn't."</p> + + <p>"I can't. It baffled description. Well, they drifted apart; but often + afterwards, when that young laddy was studying his Manual of Military Law + in his lonely dug-out, the image of Sister Carruthers glowed on the + printed page. But I never met her again until the other day, when I was + having a gentle toddle round Quelquepart and saw her gliding along the + quay. Something gripped me by the heart; I took my courage in both hands + and spoke to her.</p> + + <p>"'Don't you remember me, Sister?' I said. 'It was you who nursed me in + No. 99 General.'</p> + + <p>"She looked at me coldly.</p> + + <p>"'As you are the third young officer who has adopted a similar method + of introduction this afternoon,' she said, 'you must forgive me if I ask + for some confirmation.'</p> + + <p>"'Surely you haven't forgotten?' I cried. 'You drew me a sweet little + design in dots and dashes to hang over my bed. When I was evacuated to + England I wanted to thank you, to ask if we might meet again, but you + thrust a clinical thermometer between my teeth and told me not to speak + till you gave me permission. Then you left me, and I was whisked away to + the boat clinging grimly to the thermometer, inarticulate and + heartbroken.'</p> + + <p>"'And I presume your object in <span class="pagenum"><a name="page109" + id="page109"></a>[pg 109]</span> speaking to me to-day is to return the + thermometer?' she said primly.</p> + + <p>"That's where I took the full count," continued Frederick, sadly. "If + I could have produced any old thing in the thermometer line my <i>bona + fides</i> would have been established an' I could have gone ahead like + cotton-mill shares. Instead of which, she'd said Good-day and gone while + I was thinkin' out explanations. Since that time I've been parading + Quelquepart simply bristling with thermometers, but I've never met her + again."</p> + + <p>"The old Army fault of unpreparedness," remarked Percival. "You ought + to go to hospital."</p> + + <p>"Don't be juvenile! What have hospitals to do with heartache?"</p> + + <p>"Everything, if you go to the right one—the one where your + ministering angel ministrates, for instance."</p> + + <p>"Percival, old ace," said Frederick, with admiration, "you'll rank + among the world's great thinkers yet. Turn on the current again and tell + me what is my complaint."</p> + + <p>"Digestive trouble," said Percival promptly. "There's already been + rumours about, and you'll be doing a public service by going to dock with + dyspepsia. Binnie will be so stricken by remorse that he'll at once start + providing the Mess with decent food."</p> + + <p>"Then for your sakes I'll rehearse the symptoms. But my curse will be + on your head if I get to the wrong hospital."</p> + + <p>It was unfortunate that the M.O. was in an unsympathetic mood next + morning. He thumped Frederick on the lower chest and pooh-poohed the idea + of hospital. "All you want is a few of these tablets," he said, "and + you'll be fit as nails in a day or two."</p> + + <p>Frederick crawled away dispiritedly to confide in Percival. That + sapient youth counselled perseverance.</p> + + <p>"You must go right off your feed," he said. "Let the doc. see you + feebly pecking and he'll soon get alarmed. In the meantime I'm off to + give Binnie critical accounts of your appetite and send him to market + right away."</p> + + <p>Only a burning passion and stealthy bars of chocolate could have + sustained Frederick through the next few days. To sit down to breakfast + with a healthy appetite and refuse his egg and rasher put the biggest + possible strain on his constancy. His task was made doubly difficult by + the scheming of Percival, who was constantly inciting Binnie to procure + fresh delicacies.</p> + + <p>"You've crocked poor Freddy," he said; "and there will be others going + the same way if you don't improve the messing. Now I saw some nice plump + chickens to-day in the...."</p> + + <p>Thus harried, that evening Binnie provided a dinner that almost + reduced Frederick to breaking-point. Only the fact that the M.O. was + sitting opposite gave him strength to refuse the soup and fish, to trifle + with the chicken and turn wearily from the sweet. As the savoury was + being served he caught a scrap of conversation across the table.</p> + + <p>"... to the boat to see her off for demob.," the M.O. was saying to + the Padre. "Jolly nice girl—Jim Carruthers' daughter, you + know."</p> + + <p>Frederick pricked up his ears.</p> + + <p>"I remember," said the Padre. "She used to be at 99 General."</p> + + <p>There was no doubt who was the girl referred to. Frederick sat back in + his chair with a heavy sense of disappointment and loss. He felt acutely + sorry for himself. But presently above the pain in his heart there arose + a stronger and more compelling feeling.</p> + + <p>"Corporal," he said, "I think after all I'll try one of those crab + patties. Or you might tell the waiter to bring in <i>two</i>."</p> + +<hr /> + + <div class="figcenter" style="width:100%;"> + <a href="images/104.png"><img width="100%" src="images/104.png" + alt="" /></a> + <i>Conversationalist.</i> "<font class="sc">Extraordinary crime wave + we're having—er—ah—for the time of year.</font>" + </div> +<hr /> + +<span class="pagenum"><a name="page110" id="page110"></a>[pg 110]</span> + +<h2>PICTURES.</h2> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>"Some likes picturs o' women" (said Bill) "an' some likes 'orses best,"</p> + <p>As he fitted a pair of fancy shackles on to his old sea-chest;</p> + <p>"But I likes picturs o' ships" (said he), "an' you can keep the rest.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>"An' if I was a ruddy millionaire with dollars to burn that way,</p> + <p>Instead of a dead-broke sailorman as never saves his pay,</p> + <p>I'd go to some big paintin' guy, an' this is what I'd say:—</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>"'Paint me <i>The Cutty Sark</i>' (I'd say) 'or the old <i>Thermopylæ</i>,</p> + <p>Or <i>The Star of Peace</i> as I sailed in once in my young days at sea,</p> + <p>Shipshape an' Blackwall fashion too, as a clipper ought to be.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>"'An' you might do 'er outward bound, with a sky full o' clouds,</p> + <p>An' the tug just droppin' astern an' gulls flyin' in crowds,</p> + <p>An' the decks shiny-wet with rain an' the wind shakin' the shrouds.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>"'Or else racin' up-Channel with a sou'-wester blowin',</p> + <p>Stuns'ls set aloft and alow an' a hoist o' flags showin',</p> + <p>An' a white bone between her teeth, so's you can see she's goin'.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>"'Or you might do 'er off Cape Stiff in the 'igh latitudes yonder,</p> + <p>With her main-deck a smother of white an' her lee-rail dipping under,</p> + <p>And the big greybeards drivin' by an' breakin' aboard like thunder.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>"'Or I'd like old Tuskar somewhere around—or Sydney 'eads, maybe,</p> + <p>Or Bar Light, or the Tail o' the Bank, or a glimp o' Circular Quay,</p> + <p>Or a junk or two, if she's tradin' East, to show it's the China Sea.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>"'Nor I don't want no dabs o' paint as you can't tell what they are,</p> + <p>Whether they're shadders or fellers' faces or blocks or blobs o' tar,</p> + <p>But I want gear as looks like gear an' a spar that's like a spar.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>"'An' I don't care if it's North or South, the Trades or the China Sea,</p> + <p>Shortened down or everythin' set, close-hauled or runnin' free;</p> + <p>You paint me a ship as is <i>like</i> a ship an' that'll do for me.'"</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p class="i16">C.F.S.</p> + </div> + </div> + +<hr /> + + <div class="figcenter" style="width:100%;"> + <a href="images/105.png"><img width="100%" src="images/105.png" + alt="" /></a> + <p><i>Old-fashioned Aunt.</i> "<font class="sc">Good heavens, child! + You're not going out like that? You look like a + chorus-girl.</font>"</p> + + <p><i>Modern Maiden.</i> "<font class="sc">Oh, come, Aunt! I don't look + as horribly respectable as that, surely?</font>"</p> + </div> +<hr /> + +<h4>Egyptian Darkness.</h4> + + <blockquote> + <p>"Several letters have appeared in the native Press in some of which + they ask Minindirect way, as they have done, but in a indirect way they + have done but in a clear clear manner which cannot be interpreted two + ways."—<i>Egyptian Gazette.</i></p> + + </blockquote> + <p>Or, so far as we are concerned, even one way.</p> + +<hr /> + +<span class="pagenum"><a name="page111" id="page111"></a>[pg 111]</span> + + <div class="figcenter" style="width:100%;"> + <a href="images/106.png"><img width="100%" src="images/106.png" + alt="" /></a> + <h3>ANOTHER "RESERVATION."</h3> + + <div class="i16"> + <p><font class="sc">Starving Europe</font>. "GOD HELP ME!"</p> + + <p><font class="sc">America</font>. "VERY SAD CASE. BUT I'M AFRAID SHE + AIN'T TRYING."</p> + </div> + + <p>["Relief would be found in the resumption of industrial life and + activity and the imposition of adequate taxation. The American people + should not be called upon to finance the requirements of Europe in so + far as they result from failure to take these necessary steps."— + <i>Mr. <font class="sc">Carter Glass</font>, Secretary of the United + States Treasury.</i>]</p> + </div> +<hr /> + +<span class="pagenum"><a name="page113" id="page113"></a>[pg 113]</span> + +<h3>THE BIG-GAME CURE.</h3> + + <blockquote> + <p>[In common with everything else, wild animals have risen considerably + in price.]</p> + + </blockquote> + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>In other times I might have made</p> + <p class="i2">For those wild lands where growls the grisly,</p> + <p>Have tracked him (with some native aid)</p> + <p class="i2">And held a broken-hearted Bisley;</p> + <p>Now that my Maud has murmured, "Nay,"</p> + <p class="i2">Shrinking from matrimony's tight knot,</p> + <p>I might have acted thus, I say</p> + <p class="i2">(Contrariwise, I might not).</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>In any case to-day I shrink</p> + <p class="i2">From thus evading Sorrow's trammels;</p> + <p>A sense of duty bids me think</p> + <p class="i2">How costly are the larger mammals;</p> + <p>To kill them just to soothe my mind</p> + <p class="i2">Would seem to savour of the wasteful,</p> + <p>A thing all patriot poets find</p> + <p class="i2">Exceedingly distasteful.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Not mine the immemorial cure;</p> + <p class="i2">The voice of conscience warns me off it;</p> + <p>I'll leave the following of the spoor</p> + <p class="i2">To those who follow it for profit;</p> + <p>I feel they would not thank me for</p> + <p class="i2">Turning the jungle to a shambles,</p> + <p>Who speculate in lions or</p> + <p class="i2">Have elephantine gambles.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>And so this poet will not roam;</p> + <p class="i2">Remaining on his native heath, he</p> + <p>Will seek an anodyne at home,</p> + <p class="i2">Nor look beyond the Thames for Lethe;</p> + <p>And if he fades away, denied</p> + <p class="i2">The usual balm in cardiac crises,</p> + <p>Say only this of him, "He died</p> + <p class="i2">A prey to soaring prices."</p> + </div> + </div> + +<hr /> + + <div class="figcenter" style="width:100%;"> + <a href="images/107.png"><img width="100%" src="images/107.png" + alt="" /></a> + <h3>THE RETURN OF THE PRODIGAL.</h3> + </div> +<hr /> + +<h3>HOW TO ACT IN EMERGENCIES.</h3> + + <p><i>The Weekly Dispatch</i> symposium, in which various celebrities + discuss the way to act in the event of a burglar being found in the + house, shows the need for a little advice in case of emergencies. We + append the following very helpful hints:—</p> + + <p>The old plan of offering a burglar a cigarette and asking him to take + a chair while you telephone to the police is not now so successful as in + the past. The best plan is to tackle the fellow right away. For this + purpose you should step behind him, take hold of his coat and force it + over his face. Then tie his left arm to his right leg across the back. + Properly carried out, this method rarely fails.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + + <p>To attract the attention of the young lady behind a post-office + counter, fire a revolver three times in succession, using blank + cartridges. After first aid has been rendered to the attendants step up + to the counter and purchase your stamp.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + + <p>If you should be knocked down by a taxi, don't be alarmed and try to + creep out from under the thing. And don't blame the driver. Apologise to + him, and, as you are being carried away, shake hands and tell him that + while it was his cab it was your fault. Treated in this manner, drivers + are not nearly so offensive when they knock you down the next time.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + + <p>Should the telephone-bell ring in your house, don't get excited. Keep + calm. Remember General <font class="sc">Grant</font>. Remove the women + and children to a place of safety, lift off the receiver and say, "Good + Heavens! Whoever can it be?"</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + + <p>Let us suppose that you are being attacked by a man with a chopper. + Wait until the weapon is well poised over your head. Just as he begins + the down stroke step aside smartly. The hatchet will then be found buried + in the ground. This means that bygones are bygones.</p> + +<hr /> + +<span class="pagenum"><a name="page114" id="page114"></a>[pg 114]</span> + + <div class="figcenter" style="width:100%;"> + <a href="images/108.png"><img width="100%" src="images/108.png" + alt="" /></a> + <div class="i16"> + <p>"<font class="sc">Are they rising the day, Sir?</font>"</p> + + <p>"<font class="sc">No.</font>"</p> + + <p>"<font class="sc">Ah, weel, just bide a wee. They aye tak best in + the cool of the evening.</font>"</p> + </div> + </div> +<hr /> + +<h2>PETER AND JUDY.</h2> + + <p>Except for the fact that they had different sets of parents and were + born some hundred miles apart, Peter and Judy are practically twins. + Consequently, after an interval of three months, strenuous efforts were + made by the two young mothers to bring about a proper introduction + between the two wonders.</p> + + <p>The occasion was to be one of great importance, for it was Judy's very + first tea-party, marking, as it were, the dawn of her social career. For + days the post-office wrestled with the correspondence necessary to bring + about the meeting. The mothers, both in person and by proxy, had scoured + the precincts of Kensington and Oxford Street respectively for the + necessary adornments to do their offspring justice, changing their minds + so often that the assistants came to take as much interest in the party + as if they were going to it themselves.</p> + + <p>And yet, when the great moment arrived and the strong silent man was + borne into the room, round-eyed and expectant, he found his hostess + already tired out with her first tea-party and fast asleep. He could + scarcely believe his eyes; nor could Judy's scandalised father.</p> + + <p>Peter was very good about it. He bore this chilly reception stoically, + deprecating any desire to wake the sleeping beauty—deprecating, in + fact, any interest in her or her cot whatsoever. Ignoring the efforts of + the Big People to fix his attention by pointing him directly at the main + object of the tea-party (they should have known that babies like looking + the <i>other</i> way always) he remained passively interested in a + fascinating brass knob, the while getting his gloves into a satisfactory + state of succulence before the Big People should take it on themselves to + remove them.</p> + + <p>At last his patience is rewarded. The hostess, sighing sleepily, is + beginning to show signs of realising her responsibilities. Two immense + arms, two enormous fistfuls of fingers gather her up and she is borne + through the air triumphantly.... Peter and Judy are introduced.</p> + + <p>I doubt whether any two people in this world ever displayed greater + indifference. Solemnly they turn their eyes upon every other object in + the room except each other. It is not until the number of permutations in + which two people can look at everything is exhausted mathematically that + their eyes meet at last.</p> + + <p>Then they cut each other dead.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + + <p>Side by side they recline on the couch. Judy, pouting with sleep, is + buffeting her face with her little white boxing-gloves, while Peter + stares fascinated at the fire, quite sure that social functions are not + in his line. "O-o!"</p> + + <p>With only three months' experience, Judy has not yet attained complete + mastery of the art of manipulating difficult things like limbs. + Inadvertently, and in excess of zeal to kick higher than any other baby, + she has landed out a beautiful backhander and caught Peter hard in the + tummy. Peter's eyes open wide. Creases appear on his face and widen. A + cavern opens and a roar follows:—</p> + + <p>"Ya—o-o!"</p> + + <p>"Hullo!" (Judy looks up in amazement, for there is only one noise in + the house like that, and she has the sole rights of it). "Hullo, is that + me? I didn't know I was doing it"—(the roars from Peter + continue)—"but I suppose I am. I must be. Let's have a lot more of + this very good noise I am making—Ya—o-o!" <span + class="pagenum"><a name="page115" id="page115"></a>[pg 115]</span></p> + + <p>The duet produces a crescendo astounding to them both, for there has + never been a noise so wonderful as this in all their experience. Then to + Judy a very strange thing happens. She pauses for breath, but the noise + goes on. "This is amazing—how do I do it?..."</p> + + <p>She joins in again—and then Peter stops. He too is puzzled + vaguely. However, bother introspection, the concert proceeds, both + artists doing their level best. Now one of them pauses, now the other, + and at length serious doubts begin to creep in. There is something queer + afoot—something....</p> + + <p>The matter resolves itself. Turning suddenly they behold each other, + both yelling splendidly. Amazement! Cavern confronts cavern! Face to face + they roar their hardest, demanding the reason for this strange + phenomenon, "this other me who does when I don't."</p> + + <p>They pause—their mouths remain agape. Slowly they close and + smiles succeed. Joy! A <i>reasonable</i>-sized face at last. What a + relief after the enormous faces, the great mouths, the Cyranese noses of + the Big People who are wont to come and peer. Here at last is a true + face, a face that—no, they both agree not to dwell unduly on the + discovery.</p> + + <p>Indifferent to each other once again they regard the special objects + of their attention, their hands waving gently in the air, seeking the + fairies that babies' hands are always trying to catch.</p> + + <p>Ha! their hands have met.</p> + + <p>"Hoo! It's a <i>reasonable</i> hand. It's got proper fingers, not + stumps of bananas."</p> + + <p>"Moreover," says Peter politely, "if you care to take advantage of my + offer you will find that it is properly moistened, succulent and suitable + to a baby's taste. You needn't mind; I prepared it myself."</p> + + <p>"Goo! Gool-gur!" All is peace and chuckles. Hand-in-hand they survey + their mothers. "<i>Our</i> mothers, yours—mine. Ha, ha—he, + he—goo!"</p> + + <p>The inner thoughts of the two babies may be hidden from me (I accept + the punishment), but I know—I <i>know</i> what the two mothers are + thinking of. Twenty years hence, a paragraph in <i>The Times</i>: + "Peter—Judy—" Oh, you fatuous mothers!</p> + +<p class="author">L.</p> + +<hr /> + + <blockquote> + <p>"Public interest remains unabated in the remarkable occurrences at the + poultry-house farm at Brickendon, where spirit rappings in the morse code + have been heard for weeks past.... One question put to the spirit last + night was 'How many people are outside?' And the reply was 'Rorty,' which + proved to be correct."—<i>Liverpool Paper.</i></p> + + </blockquote> + <p>And possibly furnishes some clue to the identity of the spirit + concerned.</p> + +<hr /> + + <div class="figcenter" style="width:66%;"> + <a href="images/109.png"><img width="100%" src="images/109.png" + alt="" /></a> + <div class="i16"> + <p><i>Officer.</i> "<font class="sc">What have you got + there?</font>"</p> + + <p><i>Lighterman.</i> "<font class="sc">Coal.</font>"</p> + + <p><i>Officer.</i> "<font class="sc">I can see that. What kind of + coal?</font>"</p> + + <p><i>Lighterman.</i> "<font class="sc">Black coal.</font>"</p> + </div> + </div> +<hr /> + +<h3>MORE INTENSIVE PRODUCTION.</h3> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>When first I learned to play the fool</p> + <p class="i2">In various (unaccepted) verses</p> + <p>There was, I found, one golden rule</p> + <p class="i2">For poets who would line their purses.</p> + <p>"If ye," it ran, "to wealth would mount,</p> + <p class="i2">For silk attire would change your tatters,</p> + <p>Mere quantity will never count;</p> + <p class="i2">Quality is the thing that matters."</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Broadly this precept, too, was laid</p> + <p class="i2">On grosser forms of human labour;</p> + <p><i>E.g.</i>, on Jones's antique trade,</p> + <p class="i2">Or Brown, the sausage-man, his neighbour;</p> + <p>Until of late, throughout a land</p> + <p class="i2">Reeling from strikes and "reconstruction,"</p> + <p>A cry was heard on every hand,</p> + <p class="i2">A clamour for "Increased Production."</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>While "makers," then, gird on their might</p> + <p class="i2">And merchants buzz like bees in clover;</p> + <p>When Jones is sawing day and night</p> + <p class="i2">And Brown shows twice his last turnover;</p> + <p>Shall I not follow where they've led</p> + <p class="i2">And, at the <font class="sc">Premier's</font> invitation,</p> + <p>Double my output, Mr. Ed.?—</p> + <p class="i2">I look for your co-operation.</p> + </div> + </div> + +<hr /> + + <blockquote> + <p>"'Oh, to be in England now that Noel's near.'</p> + + <p>So, one might adapt one of Kipling's lines."—<i>Indian + Paper.</i></p> + + </blockquote> + <p>What do they know of <font class="sc">Browning</font> who only <font + class="sc">Kipling</font> know?</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + + <blockquote> + <p>"<font class="sc">Lady</font> wishes to travel in exquisite + lingerie."—<i>Daily Paper.</i></p> + + </blockquote> + <p>By all means; but why should she be content to wear an inferior + quality when she is stationary?</p> + +<hr /> + +<span class="pagenum"><a name="page116" id="page116"></a>[pg 116]</span> + +<h2>AT THE PLAY.</h2> + +<p class="center">"MR. TODD'S EXPERIMENT."</p> + + <p>A new terror—or else a new attraction—has been added to + the British Drama. Mr. <font class="sc">Walter Hackett</font> has brought + the scent of the cinema across the footlights. When he wants to inform + you of certain episodes in the hero's past career, or let you know what + he is doing when he is out of sight, he throws the main stage into + darkness and lights up a smaller one on which he gives you as many as six + little tabloid plays within the play.</p> + + <p>Such a scheme has its obvious conveniences for the playwright, and + should greatly simplify the difficulties of stage-craft. Those + introductory statements which are required to explain the opening + conditions and need such adroit handling will no longer be necessary. You + just put everybody wise by a series of <i>tableaux parlants</i>. No + longer need the author worry about the best way of conveying to his + audience the details of any action that takes place off the stage; he + just turns on a playlet and there it is. Altogether, with a couple of the + unities disposed of, he ought to have a much easier time.</p> + + <p>On the other hand he is going to have trouble with his principal stage + and put his actors to the inconvenience of playing in a painfully + congested area. Thus, in <i>Mr. Todd's Experiment</i>, the permanent + scene was the hall of a house, with a large tapestry occupying more than + half of the wall. Lurking behind this tapestry was the stage for the + tabloids, and the general company had to crowd themselves into the + remainder or wander forlornly about in the space in front of the + tapestry. The playlets again are almost bound to be just concentrated + episodes, probably elemental in theme and certainly elementary in + treatment.</p> + + <p>The excuses for their interpolation in <i>Mr. Todd's Experiment</i> + were not marked by a very great subtlety. There was really none for the + first three, which simply relieved <i>Mr. Todd</i> of the tedious recital + of the hero's disillusionments in love. The next two were introduced by + way of illustrating his alleged gift of clairvoyance; and the last served + frankly to fill in the interval while the rest of the company was away at + dinner. The general effect of all these desultory little <i>Guignols</i> + was perhaps rather cheap, and not very complimentary to the intelligence + of those of us who had outgrown a childish <i>penchant</i> for + peep-shows.</p> + + <div class="figright" style="width:33%;"> + <a href="images/110.png"><img width="100%" src="images/110.png" + alt="" /></a> + <p><i>Willoughby Todd</i> (<i>Mr. <font class="sc">Holman + Clark</font></i>). "<font class="sc">Be your old true self. Make the + women adore you.</font>"</p> + + <p><i>Arthur John Carrington</i> (<i>Mr. <font class="sc">Owen + Nares</font></i>). "<font class="sc">Your advice is good. I will now + take off my beard and be Owen Nares once more.</font>"</p> + </div> + <p><i>Mr. Todd's Experiment</i> (for I have spoken only of Mr. <font + class="sc">Hackett's</font>) was to restore a <i>blasé</i> and + valetudinarian young man of thirty to a proper state of energy by + recalling the memories of his past loves and so reviving in him a desire + to stand well in the eyes of the sex. For this purpose he produces (1) a + bunch of wood-violets to suggest (through the nose) the environment of + his first passion; (2) a specially-tipped brand of cigarettes to revive + (through the mouth) the sentiment of his second; and a gramophone record + to recover (through the ear) the associations of his third.</p> + + <p>So well does he succeed that the hero pulls himself together, shaves + off his beard, becomes our <font class="sc">Owen Nares</font> again, and + sallies forth, habited for conquest, to pay calls on all the three. From + all the three he retires disillusioned, having found them as egoistic as + himself, and in the end finds solace rather shamelessly, in the love of a + devoted slave who might have been his for the taking any time in the last + several years.</p> + + <p>The matter was pleasant enough, but its interest must, I think, have + left us indifferent if it had not been for the diversion afforded by the + playlets. While the idea was original, the presentation of it seemed to + have a touch of amateurishness, though I would not go so far as to agree + with the old fogey, played by Mr. <font class="sc">Fred Kerr</font>, who + pronounced the scheme to be "all Tommy rot." With the exception of one + character—the devoted slave—the lightness of the dialogue, + mildly cynical, was due not so much to its wit as to the absence of + ponderable stuff. The easy trick, so popular with the modern playwright, + of letting the audience down in the middle of a serious situation was + illustrated by the hero when, being in deadly earnest, he tells every + woman in turn that she is the only woman he has ever loved.</p> + + <p>As <i>Mr. Todd</i>, Mr. <font class="sc">Holman Clark</font> was as + fresh as he always is; but Mr. <font class="sc">Owen Nares</font> could + hardly hope to satisfy the exigent demands of adoration in the part of + young <i>Carrington</i>. Who, indeed, could sustain his reputation as a + figure of romance when addressed as "Arthur-John"? Mr. <font + class="sc">Fred Kerr</font>, who played <i>Martin Carrington</i>, the + cantankerous uncle, cannot help being workmanlike; but he was asked to + repeat himself too much. The best performance was that of Miss <font + class="sc">Marion Lorne</font>, in the part of the hero's one devout + lover, <i>Fancy Phipps</i>; her quiet sense of humour, salted with a + slight American tang, kept the whole play together.</p> + +<p class="author">O.S.</p> + +<p class="center">"<font class="sc">Tea for Three.</font>"</p> + + <p>Playwright Mr. <font class="sc">Roi Cooper-Megrue</font>, and + principal players Miss <font class="sc">Fay Compton</font>, the wife; Mr. + <font class="sc">Stanley Logan</font>, the friend, and Mr. <font + class="sc">A.E. Matthews</font>, the husband, made a first-rate thing of + two-thirds of <i>Tea for Three</i>.</p> + + <p>The wife is without blemish physically or morally. The husband is + faithful with a single-minded fidelity in thought, word and deed that + looks (and, I am assured by equally innocent victims, is) positively + deadly. The friend "frits and flutters" about in a distinctly casual, not + to say polygamous, mood, but has one sacred place in his untidy heart in + which the wife is enshrined. He can manage to sustain life so long as he + may come to triangular tea on Thursdays. But the faithful husband puts + his foot on that.</p> + + <p>Hence the stolen lunch for two with which the play opens. Philosophy + there is, and very good philosophy too, from the flutterer and fritter, + and such love-making as every virtuous woman (at heart a minx) allows. + She is sorry, doubtless, for the suffering she causes, but (this is my + gloss, not, I think, the author's) is really enjoying it like anything + and taking jolly good care to look her best. Then follow little lies and + as little and as needless and quite innocent indiscretions; and the + jealous husband on the rampage.</p> + + <p>All this excellently put together, seasoned with wisdom and wit and + most capably played; Miss <font class="sc">Fay Compton</font>, admirable + example of a pretty actress who won't let herself be captured by stage + tricks, making everything explicable except her continued love for her + intolerable bore (and Turk) of a husband; Mr. <font class="sc">A.E. + Matthews</font> <span class="pagenum"><a name="page117" + id="page117"></a>[pg 117]</span> handling a desperately unsympathetic + part, which was already beginning to look impossible, with great + adroitness; and Mr. <font class="sc">Stanley Logan</font>, though badly + hampered by a shocking cold and fighting a coughing audience, carrying + the bulk of the good talk and lifting it gently over the few difficult + places with a brilliant and well-concealed art.</p> + + <p>Thus till towards the end of the Second Act. Then a bad, a very bad, + fairy stuffed into Mr. <font class="sc">Megrue's</font> head the idea of + the suicide lottery. The infuriated husband, finding his wife in her + friend's room at 7 <font class="sc">p.m.</font> (frightfully improper + hour), sternly offers his bowler (or Derby) hat, in which are two cards. + The one marked with a cross is drawn by the flutterer and means that he + is for it. He is to kill himself within twenty-four hours.... And all + this with perfect seriousness.</p> + + <p>You will see how the Third Act of a comedy which had tied itself in + this kind of a knot simply could not be played. The author had completely + sacrificed plausibility, and it was not uninteresting to see him twisting + and turning, hedging and bluffing to save it; and a little uncomfortable + to note the conviction oozing away out of the performers.... Queer also + that it isn't more generally recognised that to come to the theatre with + a loud persistent cough is a form of premeditated robbery with + violence.</p> + +<p class="author">T.</p> + +<hr /> + +<h3>A NEW LEAGUE OF NATIONS.</h3> + + <p>The latest development in connection with the International + Brotherhood movement is the establishment of a College of Correct + Cosmopolitan Pronunciation. The need of such an institution has long been + clamant, and the visit of the Ukrainian choir has brought matters to a + crisis. At their concert last week several strong women wept like men at + their inability to pronounce the title of one of the most beautiful items + on the programme—"Shtchedryk." Again, as Mr. <font + class="sc">Smillie</font> must have bitterly reflected, how can we + possibly render justice to the cause of Bolshevism so long as we are + unable to pronounce the names of its leaders correctly? The same remark + applies to the Russian Ballet; the Yugo-Slav handbell-ringers; the + vegetarian Indian-club swingers from the Karakoram Himalayas; the + polyphonic gong-players from North Borneo; the synthetic quarter-tone + quartette from San Domingo; the anthropophagous back-chat comedians from + the Solomon Islands; not to mention a host of other interesting + companies, troupes, corroborees and pow-wows which are now in our midst + for the purpose of cementing the confraternity of nations.</p> + + <p>Suitable premises for the College have been secured in the heart of + Mayfair and a competent staff of instructors has already been appointed, + who, with the aid of gramophones, will be able to train the students to + perfection in the requisite command of the most explosive gutturals, + labials and sibilants. Doctor Prtnkeivitchsvtnshchitzky will be the + director of the College; Dr. <font class="sc">Seton Watson</font> and Mr. + <font class="sc">Wickham Steed</font> have kindly undertaken to supervise + the Yugo-Slav section, and the list of patrons and patronesses includes + the names of the Prince of Prinkipo; Madame <font + class="sc">Karsavina</font>, so long a victim of the mispronunciation of + her melodious surname; Dr. <font class="sc">Douglas Hyde</font>, the + famous Irish scholar; Prenk-Bib-Doda, the Albanian chieftain; Sir <font + class="sc">Rabindranath Tagore</font>; Lord <font + class="sc">Parmoor</font>; Sir <font class="sc">Thomas Beecham</font> and + the Dowager Begum of <font class="sc">Bhopal</font>.</p> + +<hr /> + + <div class="figcenter" style="width:66%;"> + <a href="images/111.png"><img width="100%" src="images/111.png" + alt="" /></a> + <h3>MORE ADVENTURES OF A POST-WAR SPORTSMAN.</h3> + + <p class="center">HE DETERMINES TO MASTER THE ART OF CRACKING A + WHIP.</p> + </div> +<hr /> + +<h4>Pegasus at Polo.</h4> + + <blockquote> + <p>"The following teams have entered for the Lahore Polo + Tournament:—4th Cavalry, 17th Cavalry, 21st Lancers, 33rd Cavalry, + 39th Central India Horse, Lahore, the Fox-hunters from Meerut, and the + Royal Air Horse from Delhi."—<i>Civil and Military Gazette.</i></p> + + </blockquote> +<hr class="short" /> + +<h4>An Up-to-date Costume.</h4> + + <blockquote> + <p>"For your evening dress I advise you simply to buy a piece of broad + silver ribbon, pass it twice round the waist and knot it at the side, + with a little bunch of berries and leaves caught into the + knot."—<i>Ladies' Paper.</i></p> + + </blockquote> +<hr /> + +<span class="pagenum"><a name="page118" id="page118"></a>[pg 118]</span> + +<h2>REVOLT OF THE SUPER-GEORGIANS.</h2> + +<p class="center"><font class="sc">Wild Scenes at a Meeting of +Protest.</font></p> + + <p>An Indignation Meeting, to protest against the outrageous attacks + levelled against Georgian writers and critics by Professor <font + class="sc">Noyes</font> in his recent lecture at the Royal Institution + and by Mr. A.D. <font class="sc">Godley</font> in an article in the + current <i>Nineteenth Century</i>, was held last Saturday evening at the + Klaxon Hall. The chair was taken by Mr. <font class="sc">Edward + Marsh</font>, C.M.G., who was supported on the platform by a compact bevy + of Georgian bards; but at an early stage of the meeting it became + apparent that a majority of those present in the body of the hall were + extremists of violent type, and eventually, as will be seen, the + proceedings ended in something approximating to a free fight.</p> + + <p>Mr. <font class="sc">Marsh</font> began by a frank confession. He had + taken a First Class in the Cambridge Classical Tripos. But the days in + which he had been steeped to the lips in Latin and Greek were long past, + never to return. For many years he had not composed hexameters, elegiacs + or iambics. He had thrown in his lot with insurgent youth, not as a + competitor or rival, but as an advocate, an admirer and an adviser. + Indeed, if he might venture to say so, he sometimes acted as a brake on + the wheels of the triumphal Chariot of Free Verse. He was not an adherent + of the fantastic movement known as "Dada." He had no desire to abolish + the family, morality, logic, memory, archæology, the law and the + prophets. A little madness was a splendid thing, but it must be methodic. + Still, for the rest he was a Georgian, heart and soul, and it pained him + when men who ought to know better raised the standard of reaction and + sought to discredit the achievements of his <i>protégés</i>. These + attacks could not be passed over in silence, and the meeting had been + convened to consider how they should be met, whether by a reasoned + protest or by retaliation.</p> + + <p>Miss Messalina Stoot, who punctuated her remarks with the clashing of + a pair of cymbals, observed that as a thorough-going Dadaist she had no + sympathy with the half-hearted attitude of the Chairman. It was a battle + between Dada and Gaga, and emphatically Dada must win.</p> + + <p>Mr. Mimram Stoot, who accompanied himself on the sarrusophone, + endorsed the iconoclastic views of his sister. The only poetry that + counted was that which caused spinal chills and issued from husky haughty + lips. The moanings of mediæval molluscs were of no avail, though they + might excite the crustacean fossils of Oxford, the home of lost + causes.</p> + + <p>Mr. Seumas O'Gambhaoil wished to protest against Mr. <font + class="sc">Noyes</font>' statement that there were ten thousand + Bolshevist poets in our midst. This was a shameless underestimate of the + total, which was at least twice that figure. Mr. <font + class="sc">Godley's</font> offence, however, was much worse, as he was an + Irishman, though of the self-expatriated type to which <font + class="sc">Goldsmith</font> and <font class="sc">Moore</font> belonged. + The rest of Mr. O'Gambhaoil's speech was delivered in Irish, but he was + understood to advocate a repatriation of all Irish renegades to be tried + and dealt with by the Sinn Fein Republic.</p> + + <p>Mr. Caradoc Cramp applauded the sentiments of the last speaker, but + considered that he avoided the real issue. The Chairman had declared + himself a Georgian, but that was not enough. The worst enemies of Free + Verse were to be found in that camp. In technique and even in thought + there was little to choose between many so-called Georgians and the most + effete and reactionary Victorians. He alluded to the War poets, or rather + the "Duration" poets, most of whom were already back-numbers. Between + these and the Post-war poets, the true super-Georgians or + paulo-post-Georgians, it was necessary to make a clean cut. To protest + against Messrs. <font class="sc">Godley</font> and <font + class="sc">Noyes</font> was a mere waste of time and energy. They might + just as well protest against the existence of an extinct volcano or the + skeleton of the brontosaurus. The real danger to be faced was the + intrinsic subjectivity of the early and mid-Georgian poets, of whom the + Chairman had been so powerful and consistent a supporter. He accordingly + called for volunteers to storm the platform, and, a large number having + responded to his appeal, Mr. <font class="sc">Marsh</font> was dislodged + from the Chair after a gallant fight. A resolution of adherence to the + principles of "Dada" having been passed by a large majority, the meeting + broke up to the strains of the famous song—</p> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p class="i4">a e ou o youyouyou i e ou o</p> + <p class="i12">youyouyou</p> + <p class="i2">drrrrdrrrrdrrrrgrrrrgrrrrrgrrrrrrrr</p> + <p class="i8">beng bong beng bang</p> + <p>boumboum boumboum boumboum.</p> + </div> + </div> + +<hr /> + + <blockquote> + <p>"Gentleman, Interested in Tattooing and largely covered, would like to + hear from other enthusiasts to compare notes."—<i>Times.</i></p> + + </blockquote> + <p>We trust the "bare-back" mode is not going to spread to the more + modest sex.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + + <p>From a "stores" circular:—</p> + + <blockquote> + <p>"<font class="sc">This Week's Economy Offers.</font></p> + + <p>Honey in Sections, each 3/9, three for 14/0."</p> + + </blockquote> + <p>The economy consists, of course, in buying them one at a time.</p> + +<hr /> + +<h2>WATER-BABIES.</h2> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>In a limbo of desolate waters,</p> + <p class="i2">In the void of a flood-stricken plain,</p> + <p>You will find them—the sons and the daughters</p> + <p class="i8">Of tropical rain.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>For when rivers are one with the ocean,</p> + <p class="i2">When the ricefields and roads are no more,</p> + <p>There's a feeling of magic, a notion</p> + <p class="i8">Of fairyland lore;</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>And the babies of Burma can revel</p> + <p class="i2">In a nursery of whirlpool and slime,</p> + <p>Where it thunders and rains like the devil</p> + <p class="i8">For weeks at a time.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>They paddle their rafts through the jungle;</p> + <p class="i2">They swim through a network of leaves;</p> + <p>They clamber with never a bungle</p> + <p class="i8">To dive from the eaves.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>'Tis an orgy of goblins, an image</p> + <p class="i2">Of nudity flouting the flood,</p> + <p>Of shorn-headed brownies who scrimmage</p> + <p class="i8">And splash in the mud.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>As we row neath a tamarind, one'll</p> + <p class="i2">Roll off with a gesture of fright,</p> + <p>Bobbing up like a cork at our gunwale</p> + <p class="i8">And gurgling delight.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>But never a stanza shall measure</p> + <p class="i2">The joy of that desperate crew</p> + <p>Of four-year-olds scouring for treasure</p> + <p class="i8">Astride a bamboo.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Their fathers smoke, huddled in sorrow,</p> + <p class="i2">Their mothers chew betel and fret,</p> + <p>And the pariahs howl for a morrow</p> + <p class="i8">Which shall not be wet;</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>The plovers wheel o'er them complaining,</p> + <p class="i2">And it's only the babies who pray</p> + <p>That the skies may be raining and raining</p> + <p class="i8">For ever and aye.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p class="i16">J.M.S.</p> + </div> + </div> + +<hr /> + +<h4>Another Mesopotamian Scandal.</h4> + + <blockquote> + <p>"The commodious and fast ss. 40 will leave Basrah for Baghdad and all + intermediate ports on Saturday morning at 9 <font class="sc">a.m.</font> + Passengers will embark at 10 <font + class="sc">a.m.</font>"—<i>Basrah Times.</i></p> + + </blockquote> +<hr class="short" /> + + <blockquote> + <p>"END OF COTTON SUIT.</p> + + <p>DRAMATIC COLLAPSE."—<i>Daily Paper.</i></p> + + </blockquote> + <p>We are more than ever convinced of the superior wearing qualities of + woollen.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + + <blockquote> + <p>"The Government of the Commonwealth of Australia agrees to the + admission on passport of Indian merchants, students, tourests, with there + irrespective wives."—<i>Indian Paper.</i></p> + + </blockquote> + <p>But ought any Government to encourage this sort of thing?</p> + +<hr /> + +<span class="pagenum"><a name="page119" id="page119"></a>[pg 119]</span> + + <div class="figcenter" style="width:100%;"> + <a href="images/113.png"><img width="100%" src="images/113.png" + alt="" /></a> + <p><i>Dancing Man</i> (<i>at Galleries of New Primitive Art + Society</i>). "<font class="sc">One would have thought, with such a + good floor, they might have put up some better pictures.</font>"</p> + </div> +<hr /> + +<h2>OUR BOOKING-OFFICE.</h2> + +<p class="center">(<i>By Mr. Punch's Staff of Learned Clerks.</i>)</p> + + <p>Following the iconoclastic spirit of the age, Mr. <font + class="sc">Barry Pain</font> has essayed in <i>The Death of Maurice</i> + (<font class="sc">Skeffington</font>) the revolutionary experiment of a + murder mystery tale that does not contain (<i>a</i>) a love interest, + (<i>b</i>) a wrongly suspected hero, (<i>c</i>) a baffled inspector, + (<i>d</i>) an amateur, but inspired, detective. It would be a grateful + task to add that the result proves the superfluity of these time-worn + accessories. But the cold fact is that, to me at least, the proof went + the other way. From the first I was painfully aware of a lack of snap + about the whole business, and I am more than suspicious that the author + himself may have shared my unwilling indifference. <i>Maurice</i> was an + artistic bachelor, a landowner, a manufacturer of jam, a twin (with a + bogie gift of knowing at any moment the relative position of his other + half, which might have been worked for far more effect than is actually + obtained from it), and a reputation of making enemies. He had also an + unusual neighbour, in the person of a young woman whose unconventionality + led her to perambulate the common at midnight, playing the first bars of + <i>Solveig's Song</i> upon the flute. One night, at the close of the + first chapter, a gun was heard. But you are wrong to suppose (however + naturally) that the flute-player was the victim. It was <i>Maurice</i>. + And of course the problem was, who did it. I have told you my own + experience of the working out; nothing written by Mr. <font + class="sc">Barry Pain</font> can ever be really dull, just as no story + starting with a mysterious murder can lack a certain intrigue; but the + fact remains that my wish, heroically resisted, to look on to the last + chapter was prompted more often by impatience than by any compelling + curiosity. Others may be happier.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + + <p>The author of <i>A Journal of Small Things</i> has done much to make + us understand the sufferings of stricken France and the more intimate + sorrows of war. <i>Chill Hours</i> (<font class="sc">Melrose</font>) + deals with that dark period before the end, when, to some, it seemed all + but certain that the will to victory must fail. Of the three parts of + this gracious little book the first consists of six sketches of life + behind the lines, life both gentle and simple, as affected by war. + "Odette in Pink Taffeta," an episode of bereavement, is in particular + exquisitely visualised. "Their Places" and "The Second Hay" treat, with a + quiet intensity of conviction, of the absolutely deadening absorption, by + overwork and anxiety, of peasant wives and children left to carry on in + the absence of their men. The third part is a series of hospital + vignettes. They do not attempt to be too cheery, but they have the stamp + of realised truth. "Nostalgia," the second part, is in another + mood—recalled memories of the beauties of a loved land and of dear + common things affectionately seen. To those who dare look at war with + open eyes and who take pleasure in sincere and beautifully-phrased + writing I commend Mrs. <font class="sc">Helen Mackay's</font> book + without reserve.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + + <p><i>Somewhere in Christendom</i> (<font class="sc">Allen and + Unwin</font>) is somewhat <span class="pagenum"><a name="page120" + id="page120"></a>[pg 120]</span> embarrassing to a reviewer, for it has + the theme of a great book with the manner of a trivial one. It is the + history of a very much smaller nation, Ethuria, left despoiled and + starving at the end of a nine-years' war, in which its great neighbours + have used it as a battle-ground. Revolution begins, but a woman prophet + steps in and switches it off in an unusual direction. The Ethurians + perfect among themselves that fellowship which is the nice ideal behind + many nasty manifestations in the real world, and, when next they are + invaded by neighbouring nations anxious to use them as an excuse for + belligerency, they resolutely stick to their guns (only the metaphor is + most unsuitable), refuse to find any cause of quarrel with their "foreign + brothers," and finally persuade them to abandon the ideals of war, so + that peace on earth becomes a reality at last. Here is the book's theme; + its working out allows for a boxing match between the President of Hygeia + and the Foreign Secretary of Tritonia as the minimum of hostilities; a + wicked newspaper lord, who pulls strings in both countries, and a + faithful butler to the Royal Family, who becomes assistant state + nursemaid and cleans silver as a hobby. Though I quite agree with Miss + <font class="sc">Evelyn Sharp</font> and the Ethurians that it <i>is</i> + love that makes the world go round, I am not so sure that either hers or + theirs is the best way of advocating their common cause.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + + <p>You may remember an original and striking book of papers about the + theatre under the title of <i>Buzz-Buzz</i>. Its author, <font + class="sc">James E. Agate</font>, has now followed it with another, + called, rather grimly, <i>Responsibility</i> (<font + class="sc">Richards</font>). You will be absolutely correct in guessing + that this is not a treatise on revue, being indeed an autobiographical + novel of (I feel bound to add) precisely the same calibre as, in the + sister realm of drama, made the name of Manchester at one period a word + of awe. Why do these young Mancunians recollect to such stupendous + purpose? Here is Mr. <font class="sc">Agate</font>, with an introduction + of forty-four pages, all about time and infinity, before he can get his + protagonist so much as started anywhere at all. It is a little like one + of those demon-scenes out of the pantomimes he describes so + lovingly—"<i>Do so! May safety and success attend on Crusoe.</i>" + But of course the subsequent action is more responsible. I imagine Mr. + <font class="sc">Agate's</font> picture of young-man life in the + Manchester of the nineties to be very much like the real thing. + Relaxation was not wholly remote from it. Cotton and commandments were + broken with equal facility. Also you may be impressed by the number of + Germans in it. Finally, after telling us, sometimes engagingly, sometimes + verbosely, all he can remember about Lancashire, Mr. <font + class="sc">Agate</font> brings his hero to Town, levers him along, year + after year, and gets (almost on his last page) to his big situation. I + won't spoil it. <i>Responsibility</i>, which might better have been + called "Garrulity," is a novel containing boredom and charm in about + equal proportions; not to mention promise for the days when its author + has learned to discipline his too-ready pen.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + + <p>From the early part of 1915 until the end of 1917 Admiral Sir <font + class="sc">Reginald Bacon</font> commanded at Dover, and from the preface + to <i>The Dover Patrol</i> (<font class="sc">Hutchinson</font>) we can + gather that he is smarting under a considerable sense of injustice and + injury. Of the merits of his case—he frankly describes his + dismissal as brutal—I do not pretend to judge, but can safely + assume that the other side have something to say for themselves, if they + care to. However, you are not to suppose that this is a bitter book. Most + generous are the praises which the Admiral bestows upon his subordinates; + his venom he reserves for just the chosen few who, no doubt, can bear it. + Apart from personal recriminations, of which some of us must be more than + tired, these two portly volumes are of real historical value. You will + find in them not only a record of actual achievements, often carried out + under desperately difficult conditions, but also of projects which for + one reason or another were never fulfilled. "Why don't we try to land on + the Belgian coast?" was a question our amateur strategists were never + weary of asking. Well, here is their answer. Here, too, are countless + photographs, charts, plans and diagrams—a really wonderful + collection. Even if you are not in the least interested in Sir <font + class="sc">Reginald's</font> grievances you will find him a writer who + has a lot of useful things to say and knows how to say them.</p> + +<hr /> + +<h3>AN EFFECT OF THE CRIME WAVE.</h3> + + <div class="figcenter" style="width:50%;"> + <a href="images/114a.png"><img width="100%" src="images/114a.png" + alt="" /></a> + <i>Both.</i> "<font class="sc">Hm! He <i>looks</i> + respectable</font>— + </div> + <div class="figcenter" style="width:50%;"> + <a href="images/114b.png"><img width="100%" src="images/114b.png" + alt="" /></a> + —<font class="sc"><i>still</i>, one never knows.</font>" + </div> +<hr /> + + <blockquote> + <p>"The normal average amount of clothing required in a temperate climate + such as ours is: <i>One pound weight of clothing to every one stone + weight of the body</i>.... Thus the clothes of a child weighing 3 stones + should be 3lb., and for a man or woman weighing 10 stones the clothes + should weigh 10lb. This is a definite statement; at any rate, disprove it + who can."—<i>Sir <font class="sc">James Cantlie</font> in "The + Daily Mail."</i></p> + + </blockquote> + <p>We gave instructions to our Mathematical specialist to work out the + figures, and his report is that he finds them substantially correct.</p> + + + + + + + + +<pre> + + + + + +End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Volume +158, February 11, 1920, by Various + +*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH, OR THE LONDON *** + +***** This file should be named 16394-h.htm or 16394-h.zip ***** +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: + https://www.gutenberg.org/1/6/3/9/16394/ + +Produced by Jonathan Ingram, Keith Edkins and the Online +Distributed Proofreading Team at https://www.pgdp.net + + +Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions +will be renamed. + +Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no +one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation +(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without +permission and without paying copyright royalties. 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