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diff --git a/16364.txt b/16364.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..ac941b9 --- /dev/null +++ b/16364.txt @@ -0,0 +1,2025 @@ +The Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 158, +March 10th, 1920, by Various + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 158, March 10th, 1920 + +Author: Various + +Release Date: July 27, 2005 [EBook #16364] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ASCII + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH, OR THE LONDON *** + + + + +Produced by Jonathan Ingram, Keith Edkins and the Online +Distributed Proofreading Team at https://www.pgdp.net + + + + + +PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. + +VOL. 158. + + + +March 10th, 1920. + + + + +CHARIVARIA. + +There are one hundred thousand more people living in London than in New +York. But they are only just living. + +* * * + +"The Home Rule Bill," says _The Irish Unionist Alliance_, "would, if put +into operation, cause friction in Ireland." We are sorry to hear this, for +friction is the last thing we want to see in Ireland. + +* * * + +M. GRABSKI, who has just asked for the loan of three thousand million +francs, is the Polish Minister of Finance. Yet people say there is nothing +in a name. + +* * * + +A Welsh Prohibition Bill is suggested. We think it should be pointed out +that the Welsh language is natural and not due to over-indulgence. + +* * * + +DEMPSEY, the American Boxer, is to be charged with "draft-dodging." The +other charge of COCHRAN-dodging will not be proceeded with. + +* * * + +Gold in the mouth, says the American Academy of Dental Science, is out of +date. Much the same applies to gold in the pocket. + +* * * + +We understand that an American syndicate has been formed for the purpose of +acquiring the sole rights in a suit of clothes by a London tailor. + +* * * + +American whisky is said to create in consumers a desire to climb trees. +British whisky, on the other hand, seems to create in the Americans a +desire to cross the Atlantic. + +* * * + +With reference to the road-mender who fell down last week and injured +himself an explanation has now been given. It appears that the colleague +next to him must have moved. + +* * * + +No fewer than twenty-seven poems on Spring have been received by one weekly +paper editor. Yet there are people who still maintain that the crime wave +is on the wane. + +* * * + +"The Irish swear by two staple beverages," says _The Daily Mail_. We feel, +however, that an Irishman who was really trying could swear by more than +this. + +* * * + +We understand that the Foreign Office takes a serious view of the large +number of public-houses which have been burgled during the last few weeks. +It is feared that it may be the work of a foreign spy who is endeavouring +to secure the recipe of British Government ale. + +* * * + +"A large number of army tanks have been sent to Africa," announces an +article in a daily paper. However, as the brontosaurus is supposed to +devour four of these delicacies at every meal, it is feared that unless a +great many more are sent out immediately this dainty animal may be faced +with extermination. + +* * * + +A morning paper announces that all airships of "R 34" type are now +obsolete. We have decided to stick a pin in each of ours. + +* * * + +From Ireland comes the pleasing news that the wife of a well-known Sinn +Feiner has just presented her husband with a little bomberette. + +* * * + +Since the publication of Professor KEITH'S statistics of efficiency, +showing the superiority of the physical condition of miners over that of +almost every other class of worker, the argument, so popular with the +advocates of nationalisation, that a miner's occupation is a most unhealthy +one, has been given a rest. + +* * * + +"I doubt if even the youngest child to-day will live to see the real fruits +of the War," said the Bishop of Lincoln last week. Another unmerited slight +on the O.B.E. + +* * * + +"Visitors to the Zoo," says _The Daily Mail_, "should not miss the rare +spectacle of the highest five animals under one roof--the gorilla, the +chimpanzee, the orang-outang, the gibbon and man." Naturally everybody is +asking, "Who is the lucky man?" + +* * * + +A merciless campaign against rats is to be waged by the inhabitants of a +large Yorkshire town. This is supposed to be the outcome of the continued +indifference with which these rodents have treated the many propaganda +campaigns which the town has organised. + +* * * + +Liverpool City Council is to consider the appointment of women park- +keepers. In support it is urged that when it comes to persuading a paper +bag to go along quietly the superior tact of a woman is bound to tell. + +* * * + +Arrangements for the continuation of the Food Ministry, it is stated, are +still incomplete. It would be a thousand pities if a mere abundance of food +should lead to the disappearance of this valuable department. + +* * * + +"Will the gentlemen on the Allied Surrender List," says the _Berlin +Official Gazette_, "inform the German authorities of their address?" This +is a typical piece of Teutonic duplicity. There are, of course, no +gentlemen on the List. + +* * * + +The chiffchaff has been heard in Hampshire and a couple of road-peckers +were observed last week hovering in the neighbourhood of Wellington Street. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Holiday-maker_ (_in difficulties._) "OH, DASH IT! THERE +GOES THAT LETTER MY WIFE GAVE ME TO POST A WEEK AGO."] + + * * * * * + +ANOTHER IMPENDING APOLOGY. + + "Principal ---- said there was a historical connection between the + Royal Asylum for the Insane and the University of Edinburgh."--_Scots + Paper._ + + * * * * * + + "The British rule in India is as savage as that of the Turk in + Armenia."--_Washington Times._ + +Not the "_George_ Washington Times," you'll note. + + * * * * * + +MEN AND THINGS OF THE MOMENT. + + [Mr. Punch cannot hold himself responsible for the views expressed in + the following correspondence.] + +THE MALLABY-DEELEY EMPORIUM. + +DEAR MR. PUNCH,--I want you to use your influence with that great +philanthropist, Mr. MALLABY-DEELEY. I know that he is too modest to claim +to be a benefactor of the race, but I am at least right in calling him +"Mr.," for that is how he describes himself on his shop-window, and he +would never have done that if he had not desired to avoid confusion with +the common tradesman. Well, I want you to enlist his powerful sympathy in +the cause of the struggling middle classes, to which body I belong. I refer +particularly to our crying need for dinner-jackets at reasonable prices. I +am one of those who spend their holidays at seaside hotels, where people +make a point of dressing for dinner in the hope of giving their fellow- +guests the impression that this is their daily habit in the home circle. In +view of the early advent of Spring I approached my tailor, the other day, +with inquiries as to the cost of an abbreviated dinner-suit. His prices +were as follows:--jacket L10 10s. 0d.; waistcoat L3 3s. 0d.; trousers L4 +10s. 0d.; total L18 3s. 0d. I am old enough to recall the time when the +most _elite_ tailors of Savile Row charged no more than L10 10s. 0d. for a +complete evening costume, uncurtailed. + +I am all for the cheap supply of "gentlemen's lounge-suits" for the +so-called working-classes to lounge in. I know of no surer antidote to the +spirit of Bolshevism. But let us not forget the claims of the middle +classes, who are the backbone of the Empire. If Mr. MALLABY-DEELEY cannot +help us in the direction I have indicated, then let Mr. KENNEDY JONES, on +behalf of the Middle Class Union, put a hyphen to his name and open a shop +for the sale of evening wear at demi-popular prices. + + Yours faithfully, + SURBITONIAN. + + * * * * * + +DEAR MR. PUNCH,--It would be a thousand pities if Mr. MALLABY-DEELEY'S +beneficent scheme should fail for lack of advertisement. Could you not +persuade your colleagues of the Press to publish from day to day the route +of his car's progress from his private residence (or the terminus from +which he debouches) to his place of business, as in the case of the new +Member for Paisley? My only fear is that the Coalition Government might be +suspected of adopting the Wee Free methods of publicity for political ends; +but this would surely be an unworthy suspicion in the case of a movement +designed for the benefit not of a party, but of mankind. + + Yours faithfully, + STAGE MANAGER. + + * * * * * + +THE DECLINE OF LEARNING. + +DEAR SIR,--I look for your sympathy when I say that I regard the abolition +of compulsory Greek at Oxford as tantamount to the collapse of the last +bulwark of British Culture. It is idle for the advocates of this act of +vandalism to protest that the spirit of Ancient Hellas can be adequately +conveyed in the form of translations, and to illustrate this futile +argument by reference to the authorised version of the Hebrew Scriptures. +Admirable as that version may be, is it for a moment to be supposed that it +can take the place of the original as a source of spiritual education? or +that our appreciation of Holy Writ would not be a hundred-fold increased if +it were fortified by a knowledge of the first principles of Hebraic syntax +and by an elementary acquaintance with Hebraic composition. It is +impossible to estimate the influence of such knowledge in tending to endear +the Bible to our youth. To me indeed it has always been incomprehensible +that our Prelates, who presumably have the welfare of the Church at heart, +have never insisted on making Hebrew a compulsory subject for Responsions. + +And now Greek has gone and Oxford is the home of one more lost cause. The +gods (of the gallery) may be with the winners, but it is the losing side +that still appeals to + + Yours incorruptibly, + CATO. + + * * * * * + +"_THE TIMES'_ FLIGHT." + +DEAR MR. PUNCH,--His many friends (among whom I take leave to count myself) +will heartily sympathise with Dr. CHALMERS MITCHELL on the engine troubles +he has passed through, culminating in the enforced curtailment of his +scientific expedition. It is gratifying to think that the pure and lofty +spirit of research which animated the great newspaper-proprietor who sent +him forth on this mission has been vindicated by the Doctor's discovery of +an unmapped volcano. Regrettably the conditions under which he observed it +precluded him from making an expert survey of it, and even from securing +specimens of its geological structure. The possibility of such an +unfortunate contingency, which may have escaped the consideration of the +promoter of the expedition, was recognised by other scientists. But it was +confidently expected by his Zoological _confreres_ that his voyage of +exploration would add largely to our knowledge of the habits and customs of +the fauna of Africa, and notably of the giraffe, as coming, by the +exceptional development of its neck, within closest range of his vision as +he flew through the vast inane. + +Even better opportunities for the observation of animal life would, it was +thought, occur during the occasional intervals spent on _terra firma_ for +purposes of repose or repair. And indeed one is greatly intrigued by the +following terse and airmanlike entry in the log for February 20th: "Much +disturbed by lions." Nothing is said of the actual capture of one of these +interesting denizens of the jungle, but reference to such a feat might well +have been omitted out of regard for brevity. Is it too much to hope that +the enterprise of _The Times_ may yet be rewarded by the addition of a live +lion to the Zoological Gardens? + +In any case, by the exceptional opportunities he enjoyed for a careful +study of leaking cylinder jackets, insulating tape, red-leaded joints and +missing engines the intrepid Doctor must have added largely to his +knowledge of mechanical science, to say nothing of the botanical +discoveries he made when his machine came within a few inches of contact +with a banana-tree. + +I, for one, look forward eagerly to his return, when he will be able to +narrate his experience with a fulness and freedom of language impossible in +cabled despatches. + + Yours faithfully, + STANLEY LIVINGSTONE JONES. + + * * * * * + +A "MALADE IMAGINAIRE"? + + "Bath-chair wanted, small lady good condition."--_Ladies' Paper._ + + * * * * * + +A CHOICE OF SINECURES. + + "LADY-NURSE-HELP; three girls (12, 10, eight); two maids kept; month's + holiday (fortnightly); salary L40."--_Daily Paper._ + + "WANTED, a Housemaid, wages 27s. 6d., no duties."--_New Zealand Paper._ + + * * * * * + + "Lady would like to Join jolly Family for Dinner every night."--_Advt. + in Daily Paper._ + +Yes, but how long would they remain jolly? + + * * * * * + + "Windsor Castle Niggers, from His Majesty's Chapel Royal, gave an + excellent programme."--_Local Paper._ + +The programme merely announced them as "Windsor Castle Singers," but this +no doubt was to give the audience a greater surprise. + + * * * * * + + "The revival of the Hunt Ball, and the intelligence that the Race Ball + is also to be re-introduced next month, has restored the ---- dance + season to its pre-war brilliance. The Hunt event passed off with + _eclair_."--_Local Paper._ + +Supper seems to have been all right, anyhow. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: A CONVERTED SPIRIT. + +GENIUS OF ALCOHOL. "AND TO THINK THAT I WAS ONCE REGARDED AS AN IMPEDIMENT +TO LOCOMOTION!"] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Mayfair Copper._ "NOW THEN, GET A MOVE ON, TARZAN. THIS +AIN'T A MONKEY NEIGHBOURHOOD."] + + * * * * * + +WON ON THE POSTS. + +(_With the British Army in France._) + +The decisive victory of the Racing Club de Petiteville--late the _deuxieme +equipage_ of the Sportif Club de Petiteville--over the _troisieme equipage_ +of the Societe Athletique de Pont Neuf would not appear to have any bearing +on the washing of Percival's collars and pyjamas; but, according to Elfred +Fry, there was a poignant connection between the two. + +When the Sportif Club received the challenge they doubted whether to accept +it, as the Societe Athletique was rumoured to include several veterans +approaching fifteen years of age and of tremendous physique. On being +conceded the choice of ground, however, they took up the gage and trained +and practised with such vigour that two days before the date of the match +Georges Darre, right back, punted his toe through a previously suspected +weak spot in the ball and irreparably ruined it. The Societe Athletique was +informed of the disaster and asked to supply a ball, but they answered that +no known authority or precedent existed for visiting teams providing the +accessories. There was also an insinuation that the story of the burst ball +was a fabrication, designed to give the Sportif Club a loophole of escape +from a contest that spelt certain defeat. + +Stung to the quick, the _deuxieme equipage_ made an urgent appeal to the +_premier equipage_ of the Sportif Club, who replied that this was the first +intimation they had had of the existence of a _deuxieme equipage_, and +recommended a tourney at marbles or a combat of peg-tops as being more +suitable to their tender years. + +Naturally this insult could not be brooked, and it was decided to break +away from the parent body and reorganise under the title of the Racing Club +de Petiteville; but this did not help them to solve the question of a new +ball. Then it was that Theo Navet, left half, and son of the +_blanchisseuse_ in the rue Napoleon, had an inspiration, and Percival's +pyjamas became linked up with the destinies of the club. + + * * * * * + +"It wouldn't surprise me, Sir," said Elfred on the evening when Petiteville +was ringing with the news of the Racing Club's victory by 4 _buts_ to 2, +"if you are the only officer in Mess to-night with a reelly clean collar." + +"And why am I singled out for so much honour?" asked Percival, taking the +slacks which Elfred produced from between the mattresses. "Has the +Washer-women's Union handed in notices and made a complimentary exception +in my case?" + +"Well, Sir, you _'ave_ been favoured, but it weren't a strike," explained +Elfred. "You know, Sir, there's been an alarming short ration of coal an' +fuel down in the village for a long time, an' two days ago Madame Navet, +who does the orficers' washing, came up an' said she was bokoo fashay but +the washing was napood for the week, becos she couldn't buy, beg, borrer +nor steal enough fuel to keep her copper biling.... Do we wear the yaller +boots to-night, Sir, or the _very_ yaller ones?" + +"The light pair," said Percival, "to give tone to the clean collar. But go +on." + +"Well, I put it to Madame as my orficer was a very partickler gent, an' +she'd gotter do our washing even if she 'ad to light 'er fire with the +family dresser. She said she was desolated; she 'adn't sufficient coal to +take the chill off a mouchoir. I thought of trying to borrer a sack for 'er +from the quarter bloke, but our relations 'ave never been the same since +the time I took my weekly ration of 'Pink Princesses' back an' arsked 'im +to change 'em for cigarettes with a bit o' tobacco in. + +"After she'd gone I took a kit inventory 'an found we was down to our last +clean collar, an' we looked like bein' a bit grubby in the matter of +pyjamas. I went a walk to the canteen to think it over, an' on my way +Madame's lad came up an' said 'is team 'ad an important match for two days +later an' could I possibly oblige 'em with a football. Being a sportsman--I +take a franc chance in the camp football sweep every week--I said I'd try +what I could do, knowin' of a ball which me an' the other batmen punt about +in our rare hintervals of leisure. But then the thought of that washing +that wasn't washed came into my mind. + +"'See 'ere, Meredith,' I says. 'Je voo donneray a ball si votre mere does +our washing toot sweet.'" + +"'E looked blue at this an' said they couldn't get fuel nohow. + +"'Compree scrounge?' says I. + +"It seems 'e did. It seems scrounging for fuel 'ad reached such a pitch in +the village that people took their backyard fences in at night, 'an they +'ad posted a policeman on the station to prevent 'em sawing away the +waiting-room. But our washing 'ad to be done, 'an I thought if I got the +whole of this football team scrounging they might find something as +everyone else 'ad overlooked. So I pretended to be indifferink. + +"'Very well,' says I. 'San fairy ann. Napoo washing--napoo ball.' + +"That set 'em to work. Next day little boys were scraping the village over +like fowls in a farmyard, getting a chip 'ere an' a shaving there, an' +making themselves such a nuisance that there was talk of calling the +gendarmerie out. They would 'ave done, too, only he'd laid down for a nap +an' left strict orders 'e wasn't to be disturbed. Then they slipped into +the Camp, trying to lay nefarious 'ands on empty ration boxes, but the Camp +police spotted 'em an' chivied them off. I never seen our police so +exhausted as they were at the end of that day. + +"'I can't think what's taken the little varmints,' said the Provost- +Sergeant. 'It ain't the Fifth of November.' + +"On the whole it wasn't a good day's 'unting, but this morning I was waited +on by a deputation wearing striped jerseys, which they appeared to 'ave put +on at early dawn. They said the fire was lit under the copper, 'an could +they 'ave the ball? + +"'Doucemong!' says I. 'Allay along, an' let's see the fire first.' + +"Yes, it were lit, but only just. The water was lukewarm an' the fuel 'ad +nearly all burned away, an' Madame was standing looking at it hopelessly. + +"'Pas bong,' says I to the lads. 'Pas assay chaud. Voo scroungerez +ongcore.' + +"They was frantic, becos it was nearly match time. I felt inclined to give +'em the ball, but the thought of you, Sir, in a dirty collar--" + +"You may keep the pair of old riding-breeches you borrowed without +permission," interrupted Percy. + +"Thank you, Sir. Then all at once the lads 'ad a confab an' went away, an' +in a few minutes they was back with some lovely straight planed props of +timber, an' they chopped 'em up in a jiffy 'an got the fire roaring 'ot, +an' I gave 'em the ball, an' your collars is done an' the rest of your +things is out drying an' will be finished to-morrow." + +"Of course I'm grateful," said Percival. "You might tell your young friends +I'm willing to be a vice-president of their club--on the usual terms. +What's the name of it?" + +"They tell me it's called 'The Racing Club,'" said Elfred. "But I think, +Sir, you'd better give your subscription to the other club in the +village--'The Sportif Club.' You see, Sir, they 'ad a match on to-day as +well, an' when they arrived on the ground they found someone 'ad been and +scrounged their goal-posts!" + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: "I SAY, EXCUSE ME, DEAR OLD TOP, BUT YOU MUSTN'T WEAR THAT +GUNNER TIE NOW YOU'RE DEMOBBED. IT SIMPLY ISN'T DONE!"] + + * * * * * + +THE ANNIVERSARY. + +Having unexpectedly retained possession of my seat in the Tube the other +evening I over-read myself and ran past my station, so it was rather late +when I reached home. + +"Hullo!" I called out cheerily. + +"Hullo!" echoed Margaret in a flat sort of voice; "you back?" + +I refrained from facetiousness and told her that I was. + +"Oh!" she said. + +"Well, well, Margaret," I said in a bright and bustling manner, "we haven't +got on very well so far, have we? Can't you think of some subject on which +we can conduct a conversation in words of more than one syllable? The +skilful hostess should so frame her questions that not even the shyest +visitor can fall back on a simple Yes or No. Now," I continued, spreading +myself luxuriously over the chesterfield, "you know how shy I am. Try to +draw me out, dear. I'm waiting." + +I lit a cigarette. Margaret looked reproachfully at me. + +"What was yesterday?" she said. + +"Tuesday, my dear. We will now have a little chat about Tuesday. Coming as +it does so soon after Monday, it not unnaturally exhibits--" + +"Tuesday the 25th of February," said Margaret solemnly. + +"Possibly, my dear, possibly. But I cannot say that I find your remarks +very interesting. They may be true, or they may not, but they certainly +seem to me to lack that agreeable whimsicality usually so characteristic of +you." + +"Our wedding-day," said Margaret impressively. + +"Was it really?" I said in a whisper. "And you let it pass without +reminding me. Oh, how could you?" + +Margaret smiled. + +"I didn't think of it till this morning--after you had gone," she said. + +We both smiled. Then we laughed. + +"You know, we really are a dreadful couple." I said. "Your fault is greater +than mine, though. I'll tell you why. Everyone knows that a man--especially +a manly man--" I tugged my moustache and let my biceps out for a run-- +"never remembers anniversaries, whereas a woman--a womanly woman--does." +Here I plucked a daffodil from a bowl near by and tucked it coyly behind +her ear. + +"It really is rather awful of us." Margaret restored the daffodil to its +young companions. "We've only been married three years, too, and yet +already--" She threw out her arms in a hopeless gesture. + +"Still," I said presently, with my hand full of her hand--"still I daresay +we shall get used to it in time--forgetting the day, I mean. After about +the fourth lapse there will be hardly any sting in our little piece of +annual forgetfulness." + +"We mustn't forget to remember we've forgotten it, though, Gerald, so that +we can test the waning powers of the sting." + +"I can see this habit growing on us," I said dreamily; "a few more years +and we shall forget we are married even. I shall come home one day-- +provided I remember where we live--and be horrified to find _you_ +established in my house and using my sealing-wax. Or maybe I shall arrive +with some little offering of early rhubarb or forced artichokes only to be +sternly ordered away by a wife who does not recognise me. 'Please take your +greens round to the tradesmen's entrance,' you will say coldly." + +"I think," said Margaret, "that we ought to be extra nice to each other +now, seeing how short our married life may be. Let's begin at once. You let +me tidy your desk every day for you and--" + +"Won't twice a week satisfy you?" I asked desperately. + +"Perhaps; and anyway"--she put a little packet into my hand--"here's _my_ +present to you, even though you did forget yesterday." + +"You are a dear, Margaret. And now I'll tell you something. It was--" + +Just then James came in and announced dinner. James is all our staff; but +her other name is Keziah, so we had no choice. + +As we sat down I took a small box out of my pocket. + +"Give this to your mistress, please," I said to James. + +"O-o-o. How ripping of you, Gerald! So you did remember, after all." + +"As soon as I got to the station this morning," I said, "I remembered that +our wedding-day was to-day." + +Margaret lifted her eyebrows at me. "To-day?" + +"Yes. You are a little behind--or in front of--the times, I'm afraid. The +twenty-fifth was a Tuesday last year, but it's trying Wednesday for a +change now. Many Happy Returns of the Day, dear." + +We both laughed. + +"Now let's look at our presents," said Margaret happily. + + * * * * * + +DORA AT THE PLAY. + + ["You cannot buy a cigarette, or an ice, or a box of chocolates in a + theatre after eight o'clock--by order of D.O.R.A."--_Advt. passim._] + + Attentive swain, whose lady has commanded you to be at her + Disposal as an escort on a visit to the theatre, + I give you precious doctrine that is certainly worth sticking to, + At least as long as Dora is alive on earth and kicking too. + + If you would keep your fair companion satisfied and cheery, some + Provision must be made to fill the intervals so wearisome, + For many a gallant fellow has discovered with a shock o' late + That after 8 P.M. it's still a crime to sell a chocolate. + + Though you may haunt the bar till ten and confidently mutter "Scotch," + _She_ may not even clamour for a humble slab of butterscotch, + And should the heat suggest an ice--may I be rolled out flat if I + Distort the truth--it's courting gaol that harmless wish to gratify. + + As for yourself, if you should yearn for blest tobacco's medium + In those long waits between the Acts to while away the tedium, + And find you're out of cigarettes, remember that to sell any + A minute past the fatal hour is counted as a felony. + + Unless the pair of you affect the life ascetic, you'll + Be well advised to carry in a hamper or a reticule + A goodly store of provender, both smokeable and eatable, + For Dora's in the saddle yet and seemingly unseatable. + + * * * * * + +BROODY. + + "Will the Imperial Government hen proceed to a new conquest of Southern + Ireland?"--_Daily Paper._ + +No, we expect it will be left sitting. + + * * * * * + + "HIDDEN MUMMIES. + + The Museum authorities are receiving numerous inquiries when the + mummies will be on view, particularly for school children."--_Daily + Paper._ + +We hope that the N.S.P.C.C. will see to it that all mummies are allowed to +return to their families without further delay. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: MANNERS AND MODES. + +THEN AND NOW. + +[_From an Early-Victorian pocket "Etiquette for Gentlemen_":--"If you so +far forget what is elegant as to smoke in the street or park, at least +never omit to fling away your cigar if you speak to a lady."]] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: BEHIND THE SCENES IN CINEMA-LAND. + +IT IS A TERRIBLE MOMENT FOR THE FILM ACTOR WHEN HE REALISES THAT HE IS +GETTING TOO FAT TO PLAY HERO, AND NOT FAT ENOUGH TO BE FUNNY.] + + * * * * * + +GOLF NOTES. + +(_With acknowledgments to Mr. A.C.M. Croome._) + +APPROACHING. + +TAYLOR--or was it JAMES BRAID?--begins one of his classic and illuminating +chapters with the quotation "_Ex pede Herculem_," nor can even we of the +Oxford and Cambridge Golfing Society venture to differ from so eminent an +authority or grudge him so apt a phrase. _Verb. sap._ and, let me add, +_sat_. To those, few perhaps in actual reckoning (though I, wearing of +right the wine-dark vesture--were there half Blues in HOMER'S time?--cannot +compete with JOHN LOW _et hoc genus omne_, Cantabs confessed, in the +prestidigitation of numerals and weird signs of values)--to those, then, +few, but of many parts appreciative, who followed a certain foursome at +Addington last week, my premiss should be intrinsically incontrovertible. +Partner, whom I had "made" with a drive well and truly apportioned--_ex +carne ictum_--partner, after much self-searching and mental recursion to +the maxims of TOM MORRIS and LA ROUCHEFOUCAULD, took his ball on the--_O +horribile dictu_ (or shall I say _horresco referens_?)--well, to be +meticulously exact, partner shanked it. And it is just here that those who +have also enjoyed a University education will pick up--even as partner +failed to do--what I, who write, am driving at. + +Remembering how dear old W.G.--in those halcyon days when Gloucester was +worthy of the cheese whereof she is now so chary a producer--used to score +with that heavy cut between point and cover, I too, greatly daring, cut it +and laid it (the ball, not the cheese) dead. _De mortuis_ ... For assuredly +it _was_ good. + +The one adornment of this episode should have been a quotation from +ARISTOPHANES. It is not, however, given to all men always to remember. _Non +cuivis_, in fact. + +OF IMPACT. + +It was at the ensuing consumption of Bohea, or of its substitute as +provided by a paternal Government, that one of the party, with the rashness +of a _d'Artagnan_, reverted to the question of weight of clubs. ABE +MITCHELL'S driver, of course, gave him a handle; but himself he, unaided, +gave away. For it is not to be boasted by every man that he has been +blessed with an _Alma Mater_, and that consequently logic is to him even as +hair and teeth--save only that these twain be not false. For, said this +unhappy wight, increase the weight and the corollary is length increased. + +Then arose a certain justly eminent author, whose list of tales is equalled +only by the tale of his handicap, and demonstrably discounted weight +without pace. + +It was then agreed that a test _ad hominem_ should be applied, and that the +result of such test should determine the individuality of him who should +settle with our Ganymede. Partner and I pushed--_gemitu et fremitu_--a +bulky sideboard against a paper ball. The inertia of the object was barely +overcome. + +Then the man of letters flicked it across the room with finger and thumb. +And the original theorist became the poorer by the commercial estimate of +four teas and jam. + +PUTTING. + +It has been said elsewhere, yet may not therefore be wholly lacking in +elemental veracity, that putting is the devil. Systems more numerous than +dactyls and spondees in Classic verse, patent putters outnumbered only by +howlers in Oxford responsions, bear witness to this graceless statement. +Quite lately in these columns have I confessed--_pulvere cineribusque_-- +that our side had twice failed at the inconsiderable distance of two yards, +even after discarding the small thirty-two. But that further confession +will be forthcoming is now wildly and preposterously problematical. For I +have discovered the true exorcism for demoniac influence in putting. It is +this: First catch your putter. Put the whole length of the shaft up your +sleeve. Then--but I must retain something for next Saturday's notes, and, +besides, I fancy the secretary of the Club where I am inditing these words +has his frugal eye on the consumption of the note-paper. But what I have +written I have written. _Litera scripta manet._ + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Eminent London Architect_ (_submitting his designs to our +Village Victory Memorial Committee and warming to his work_). "...AND, +SURMOUNTING THE WHOLE, A GRACEFUL FIGURE OF VICTORY, WITH WREATH--SO."] + + * * * * * + +THE COALITION OF 1950. + +"Aren't you being rather badly hit by the price of tobacco?" I asked +Charles, whose pipe is a kind of extra limb to him. + +"I have just been composing the plot of a novel," he replied with apparent +irrelevance. "It begins something like this:-- + +"'Slowly and softly the violet dusk set in. The beautiful young Premiere +stood at the window of her yellow-and-black boudoir, gazing a little +wistfully at the almost deserted pavements of Downing Street. A white +pigeon perched--'" + +"They aren't white," I said; "they're a sort of purply pinky grey." + +"All right," said Charles, unmoved, "only it rather spoils the sentence. 'A +sort of purply pinky grey pigeon perched pompously--'" + +"Never mind the pigeon," I said, "tell me what was the trouble with the +B.Y.P." + +"A change in the leadership of the Opposition. The old leaderess had just +retired and her place had been taken by a new one, a man this time, young +and handsome as Apollo, who had thrown up the Chair of Cinematography at +the London University to plunge on to a political platform." + +"What was the programme," I inquired, "of this--er--furniture-remover?" + +"He was a reactionary," said Charles. "The Premiere's party had won a not +too sweeping victory at the polls on prohibition (not of alcohol, of +course--that had been done long ago--but of tobacco)." + +"How on earth did she do it?" + +"National economy, mostly," answered Charles. "She had the wives' vote +solid, and they carried the more docile of the husbands with them. She had +to throw out bribes to the unmarried electorate of both sexes, of course, +bribes which she had since been attempting to pay. Powder and chocolates +had been made cheaper. There was the Endowment of Cinemas Act of 1948, and +the Subsidized Football Bill of '49. But all these extravagances had +largely ruined the effect of the abolition of tobacco. At the beginning of +that year she had been obliged to cancel the State holiday on Mondays--" + +"Why Mondays?" I inquired. + +"Everyone feels beastly on Monday." + +"But I don't see why they should feel any better on Tuesday." + +"It was twenty-four hours nearer Saturday," he replied, "and Saturday was +also a State holiday. Labour, of course, was infuriated, and unrest was +every day becoming more apparent. The by-elections were going against the +Premiere. And now this new handsome young hero had arisen not only to +crystallise the support of his own sex, but capture the hearts of all the +female electorate under twenty." + +"Twenty!" I gasped. + +"Everyone over fifteen had the franchise," said Charles calmly. "Now mark +you, the programme of the Opposition was very cunning. They only proposed +to reintroduce cigar and cigarette smoking. Edward Oburn, the young leader, +being a film actor, naturally smoked nothing but exquisite Havanas. In this +he had the support of the wealthier employers, but the enormous army of +cigarette-suckers, male and female, was with him. + +"But I don't see how he proposed to cut down expenses," I objected. + +"He was going to tax the printing of all words over two syllables in +length," replied Charles. "The Press of those days was not affected by the +proposal, but a considerable revenue was expected from scientific books, +high-brow novels and Socialistic publications. Well, the Premiere, as I +say, was a prey to sad reflections, when suddenly the chur-chur of a +taxi--" + +"Aren't you thinking of night-jars?" I said. + +"Possibly I am," he admitted; "it may have been a chug-chug. Anyway, it +threw a wide arc of light into the gloom and stopped at the door of No. 10. +A few moments later the door of the boudoir was flung open and the +Chancellor of the Exchequer was announced." + +"What did _she_ want?" + +"She was a he this time, and had come to announce the inevitable--the very +thing that the Premiere was thinking about and fearing. 'We must have the +Bachelor Tax,'" he said. + +"Now, the Bachelor Tax had been tried some twenty years before, but had +failed, partly owing to the number of passive resisters who had had to be +forcibly fed, and partly owing to the number of men who had shown +substantial proof of recurrent rejections. How were they to bring in a +reasonable and satisfactory Bill? After a long consultation, lasting +several hours beyond midnight--" + +"Did the taxi go on chugging?" I asked. + +"Shut up. They decided eventually that if a bachelor made a written +proposal and was rejected he was entitled to have his case tried before a +jury of women, who should decide whether it was a reasonable offer and one +that should normally have been accepted. If they found that it was, he was +to be exempt from further efforts. The Bill was accordingly drafted, and +carried easily, and the sequel no doubt you have guessed. On the day after +it became law the beautiful young Premiere received a neatly-typed offer of +marriage from Edward Oburn. They met; there was a scene of the utmost +beauty and pathos; they became engaged, and the Coalition Government of the +middle of 1950 began." + +"How long did it go on?" I inquired. + +"Until the day of revolution," said Charles pleasantly, refilling his foul +old briar--"the great day when Fleet Street ran with blood and the +pipe-smokers put up barricades in the Strand, and Piccadilly became a +reeking shambles. Have you got a match?" + +EVOE. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Knowledgeable Female_ (_interpreting costumes to the +crowd_). "AND 'IM--'E'S A ESQUIMOKE."] + + * * * * * + + "The chauffeur, who sprang into the vehicle as it started off, was + injured when it collided with a lamppost. Both were removed to + hospital.--_Daily Paper._ + +It is hoped that when the lamp-post has recovered it may throw some light +on the accident. + + * * * * * + +"'In a few more fleeting years' + + The ---- will still be Earning Money for its owner when other cars have + caused their owners to become but a memory."--_Provincial Paper._ + +The advertiser ought not, we think, to have suppressed the names of these +murderous machines. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: THE KINDEST CUT OF ALL. + +WELSH WIZARD. "I NOW PROCEED TO CUT THIS MAP INTO TWO PARTS AND PLACE THEM +IN THE HAT. AFTER A SUITABLE INTERVAL THEY WILL BE FOUND TO HAVE COME +TOGETHER OF THEIR OWN ACCORD--(_ASIDE_)--AT LEAST LET'S HOPE SO; I'VE NEVER +DONE THIS TRICK BEFORE."] + + * * * * * + +ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT. + +[Illustration: MR. ASQUITH SITS UP AND TAKES NOTICE. + +"THE MANCHESTER SCHOOL OF POLITICS IS DEAD AND THERE IS NO GOING BACK TO +IT."--_Mr. NEIL MACLEAN._] + +_Monday, March 1st._--Calendar note (extracted from _The Wee Free +Almanack_): "Asquith comes in like a lion." + +Everybody wanted to see the victor of Paisley make his _rentree_. The +Peers' Gallery was so crowded with his former colleagues that Lord +ROTHERMERE had scarcely room for the big stick which typifies his present +attitude towards the Government. Poor Lord BEAVERBROOK was quite in the +background; but I am told that on historic occasions he always prefers, +with characteristic modesty, to be behind the scenes. + +As the hero of the hour walked up the floor, escorted by Sir DONALD MACLEAN +and Mr. THORNE, his supporters did their best to give him a rousing +welcome. But they were too few to produce much effect, and a moment or two +later, when Mr. LLOYD GEORGE left the Treasury Bench to greet his old chief +behind the SPEAKER'S Chair, they were compelled to hear the young bloods of +the Coalition "give a louder roar." + +Finding the traditional seat of the Leader of the Opposition still in the +occupation of Mr. ADAMSON, Mr. ASQUITH bestowed himself between the Labour +Leader and Mr. NEIL MACLEAN, with whom he entered into conversation. If he +was endeavouring to expound for his benefit the moral of Paisley I am +afraid he had but a poor success, for in the ensuing debate on food-control +the Member for Govan shocked Liberal hearers by declaring that "the +Manchester School is dead and there is no going back to it." In opposing +the continuance of D.O.R.A. Captain ELLIOT was again in good form. His best +_mot_, "With the Cabinet a thing is always either _sub judice_ or _chose +jugee_," will take a good deal of beating as a summary of the Ministerial +method of answering Questions. + +[Illustration: SUPPLEMENTARY QUESTIONS ON THE CLOTHING DIFFICULTY. + +MR. G.R. THORNE TO ASK MR. MALLABY-DEELEY (CONTROLLER OF SUITINGS) WHAT IS +THE PRICE OF HIS LATEST CUT. + +LT.-COL. WILL THORNE TO ASK WHETHER ANY REDUCTION IS MADE IN PROPORTION TO +QUANTITY OF CLOTH PURCHASED.] + +I understand that Mr. MALLABY-DEELEY disclaims being the customer to whom +the Disposals Board sold 577,000 suits of Government clothing. He makes a +point of never being over-dressed. + +A suggestion that in view of the difficulty of filling diplomatic vacancies +the Government should appoint suitable women to some of these posts was +declined by the PRIME MINISTER on the ground that it was not practicable at +present. I doubt if he would have had the hardihood to make this avowal but +that Lady ASTOR had been ousted from her usual seat by Mr. PEMBERTON +BILLING. + +_Tuesday, March 2nd._--Lieut.-Commander KENWORTHY might be described as a +pacificist who conducts a persistent offensive. He accused the WAR MINISTER +of having made a false statement about Conscription in America, and later +on made an allusion to General DENIKIN which Mr. CHURCHILL, to the +satisfaction of the House, which does not exactly love the Central +Hullaballoonist, described as "a singularly ill-conditioned sneer." + +Lord WINTERTON, once the "baby" of the House, is still one of its most +popular figures. Members were quite interested as he proceeded to explain, +with an engaging blush, that a "hard case" which he had brought to the +notice of the WAR MINISTER was his own, and sorry when the SPEAKER brought +the narrative to a sudden stop by observing, "This is not the moment for +autobiography." + +The FIRST COMMISSIONER OF WORKS was roundly abused for having spent L3,250 +on tapestry for Hampton Court Palace. But when it turned out that the panel +in question was the long-missing number of a set belonging to Cardinal +WOLSEY, and that its recovery was largely due to the enterprise and +munificence of the right hon. gentleman himself, the House agreed that his +completion of "Seven Deadly Sins" was a venial offence. + +[Illustration: THE HULLABALLOONIST. + +LIEUT.-COMMANDER KENWORTHY.] + +Other Estimates evoked more healthy criticism. Sir FREDERICK BANBURY was +eloquent upon what he called a "hotel for gardeners" at Kew. Mr. HOGGE was +for rooting up the Royal Botanical Gardens, since they were hardly ever +visited by Scotsmen, and Captain STANLEY WILSON inveighed against the +extravagance with which the British delegates were housed in Paris. Sir +ALFRED MOND admitted that they "did themselves very well," but pleaded that +they could hardly be expected to go to Montmartre--at least not +collectively--and pointed out that some of the criticisms should be +addressed to other Departments. He was not responsible, for example, for +"clothes of typists." + +_Wednesday, March 3rd._--Among the things that they do better in France, +according to Lord SUDELEY, is the popularisation of picture-galleries and +museums. He instanced the pictures on French match-boxes. But were they +always confined to reproductions of Louvre masterpieces? My recollection is +that at one time they took a wider range and were distinctly more striking +than the matches. + +One was reminded of PRAED'S lines-- + + "Hume, no doubt, will be taking the sense + Of the House on a question of thirteen-pence"-- + +when the Government very nearly came to grief to-night over a question of +five pounds for the Inland Revenue offices in Manchester. In vain Mr. +BALDWIN pointed out the desirability of giving proper accommodation to the +gentlemen who pick our pockets in the interest of the State. The House was +still obstinate, until Mr. BONAR LAW declared that the Government would +resign if they did not get their "fiver." As he undertook, however, not to +spend it without further leave, the vote at last went through. + +_Thursday, March 4th._--Lord BUCKMASTER'S scheme for preventing the +bankruptcy of the State is to make everybody invest a portion of his +capital in Government securities and to withhold the interest until such +time as the State should find it convenient to pay. This, he explained to +his own satisfaction, was quite different from that dangerous expedient, a +levy on capital. Lord PEEL took a more cheerful view of the situation, and +indicated that it was quite unnecessary for noble lords to get the wind up, +since the Government would have no difficulty in raising it. + +Even the most rigid economists will not cavil at the latest addition to our +financial burdens. The PENSIONS MINISTER announced an addition of close on +two millions a year to the annual charge. The increase is chiefly for a +much-needed improvement in the allowances made to disabled officers, who +have hitherto been but scurvily treated. + +Mr. HIGHAM objected to receiving an answer about the telephones from Mr. +PIKE PEASE. He demanded a reply from the PRIME MINISTER, not from a +representative of the department impugned. The SPEAKER, however, pointed +out that there were limits to the PREMIER'S responsibilities: "He does not +run the whole show." After this descent into the vernacular I half-expected +that Mr. LOWTHER would dam the stream of Supplementaries that followed +with, "Oh, ring off!" but he contented himself with calling the next +Question. + +The debate on the Third Reading of the War Emergency Laws (Continuance) +Bill was chiefly devoted to Ireland. Captain WEDGWOOD BENN, after spending +a whole week in that country, is convinced that all the trouble is due to +the Government's reliance upon D.O.R.A., and declared that the only people +who were not in gaol were the murderers. That would mean that there are +some four million assassins in Ireland; which I feel sure is an +exaggeration. The two hundred thousand mentioned by the CHIEF SECRETARY +would seem to be ample for any country save Russia. + +Scarcely was this gloomy episode over than the House was called upon to +pass a Supplementary Estimate of L860 for "Peace Celebrations in Ireland." +As L500 of this sum was for flags and decorations, which, in Mr. BALDWIN'S +phrase, "remain for future use," the Irish outlook may, after all, be not +quite so black as it is painted. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Hawker_ (_to lady who is in bitter need of fuel_). "EAGER +AS I AM, MADAM, TO EXPLAIN THE MERITS OF THESE LOGS AT FOURTEEN SHILLINGS A +HUNDRED, I CANNOT IGNORE THE NOTICE EMBLAZONED ON YOUR GATE, AND THEREFORE +WISH YOU A VERY GOOD DAY."] + + * * * * * + +A BUY ELECTION. + + [The excellent precedent set by Mr. MALLABY-DEELEY in supplying needed + goods at cheap rates may prove a little awkward if adopted by + Parliamentary Candidates, as shown in the following anticipatory + report.] + +Quiet confidence reigned in the ranks of the Muddleboro Labour Party. The +action of their Candidate, Mr. Dulham, in arranging for a co-operative milk +supply at sixpence per quart, was supposed to have won the hearts of all +householders. They had no fear of Mr. Coddem, the representative of the +great BOTTOMLEY party. It was true that Mr. Coddem had taken over a local +brewery and was supplying beer at threepence per pint. But the Labour +stalwarts argued that, in the first place, this would lose him the women's +and temperance vote, and, in the second place, the electors would drink the +brewery dry in double-quick time. All those who failed to get cheap beer +would revenge themselves on the Candidate who had failed to keep his +promise. + +The Wee Free cause was nearly hopeless. Their candidate, Mr. Guff, had made +a desperate bid for popularity by offering, in conjunction with _The Daily +News_, cocoa at reduced rates. But the Labour Candidate had put the pointed +question, "Who made cocoa dear in the first place?" and Mr. Guff had evaded +the question. + +When Mr. Stilts, the National Party Candidate, promised the public cheaper +honours--urging that, if he were returned, it would be unnecessary to +subscribe to party funds to get a title--the voters were quite unmoved. +Perhaps they knew that they could get the O.B.E. for nothing, anyhow, and +had no higher ambitions. + +The Coalition Candidate, Mr. Jenkins, alone said nothing. _The Star_, that +famous organ of the Anti-Gambling Party, proclaimed triumphantly that the +odds offered in the constituency were ten to one against Jenkins. But Mr. +Jenkins lay low and said nothing. Or rather he achieved the not impossible +feat in a Parliamentary contest of saying nothing and saying a good deal. + +But the day before the poll Mr. Jenkins's polling cards were delivered. +They were headed, "Vote for Jenkins and Kill Profiteering. Give up this +card at your polling-station for free samples of silks in my great blouse +offer. I sell for 9s. 11-3/4d. a blouse usually priced at two guineas. Not +more than six sold to any one voter. OUT SIZES NO EXTRA CHARGE." + +A quarter-mile queue of lady-voters was standing outside the polling booths +at eight o'clock. Hundreds of them had their husbands in custody with them. +In vain were representations of the Full Milk Jug and the Flowing Pint Pot +paraded before them. The Wee Free procession, headed by a Brimming Cocoa +Cup, was received with jeers. + +When the poll was declared the figures ran-- + + Jenkins (Coalition) ... 20,428 + Coddem (Bottomley) ... 9,344 + Dulham (Labour) ... 9,028 + Guff (Wee Free) ... 2,008 + Stilts (National Party) ... 49 + +And _The Daily News_' headline the next day was-- + + "CORRUPT MINORITY CANDIDATE CARRIES MUDDLEBORO." + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: DEMODE. + +_She._ "SOMEWHAT ARCHAIC--WHAT?" + +_He._ "YE--ES. ALL RIGHT SIX WEEKS AGO. _QUITE_ ACADEMICAL NOW."] + + * * * * * + +COMMERCIAL CANDOUR. + +From a poultry-breeder's advertisement:-- + + "My strains of Rhodes are only too well known." + + * * * * * + + "Miss Winnie ----, the charming and talented actress, writes:--'I am + quite positive--I owe my present health and spirits to ----.'"--_Advt. + in Daily Paper._ + + "Poor Miss Winnie ---- has had to retire suddenly from the revue-- + doctor's orders."--_Same paper, same day._ + +We should have liked to hear the Advertisement Manager's view of the News +Editor. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: "OO, LUMME! WOT PRICE REGINALD IN 'IS MALLABY-DEELEYS?"] + + * * * * * + +FREUD AND JUNG. + + [A reviewer in a recent issue of _The Times Literary Supplement_ asks, + "Why should the characters in the psychological novel be invariably + horrid?" and is inclined to explain this state of affairs by the + undiscriminating study of "the theories of two very estimable + gentlemen, the sound of whose names one is beginning to dislike-- + Messrs. Freud and Jung."] + + In QUEEN VICTORIA'S placid reign, the novelists of note + In one respect, at any rate, were all in the same boat; + Alike in _Richard Feverel_ and in _Aurora Floyd_ + You'll seek in vain for any trace of Messrs. JUNG and FREUD. + + They did not fail in colour, for they had their PEACOCK'S tales; + Their heroines, I must admit, ran seldom off the rails; + They had their apes and angels, but they never once employed + The psycho-analytic rules devised by JUNG and FREUD. + + They ran a tilt at fraud and guilt, at snobbery and shams; + They had no lack of Meredithyrambic epigrams; + The types that most appealed to them were not neurasthenoid; + They lived, you see, before the day of Messrs. JUNG and FREUD. + + (I've searched the last edition of the famous _Ency. Brit._ + And neither of this noble pair is even named in it; + Only the men since Nineteen-Ten have properly enjoyed + The privilege of studying the works of JUNG and FREUD.) + + Their characters, I grieve to say, were never more unclean + Than those of ordinary life, in morals or in mien; + They had not slummed or fully plumbed with rapture unalloyed + The unconscious mind as now defined by Messrs. JUNG and FREUD. + + The spiritual shell-shock which these scientists impart + Had not enlarged or cleared the dim horizons of their art; + They had not learned that mutual love by wedlock is destroyed, + As proved by the disciples of the school of JUNG and FREUD. + + The hierophants of pure romance, ev'n in its recent mood, + From STEVENSON to CONRAD, such excesses have eschewed; + But the psycho-pathologic route was neither mapped nor buoyed + Until the new discoveries of Messrs. JUNG and FREUD. + + That fiction should be tonic all may readily agree; + That its function is emetic I, for one, could never see; + And so I'm glad to find _The Times Lit. Supp._ has grown annoyed + At the undiscriminating cult of Messrs. JUNG and FREUD. + + Let earnest "educationists" assiduously preach + The value of psychology in training those who teach; + Let publicists who speak of Mr. GEORGE, without the LLOYD, + Confound him with quotations from the works of JUNG and FREUD-- + + But I, were I a despot, quite benevolent, of course, + Armed with the last developments of high-explosive force, + I'd build a bigger "Bertha," and discharge it in the void + Crammed with the novelists who brood on Messrs. JUNG and FREUD. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: "I S'POSE I MUSTN'T GO IN THE GARDEN WHILE YOU'RE RESTING, +MUMMY?" + +"NO, DEAR--IT'S TOO DAMP." + +"IF I _DID_ GO IN THE GARDEN WHILE YOU'RE RESTING, MUMMY, WOULD YOU PUNISH +ME OR REASON WITH ME?"] + + * * * * * + +OPERATICS. + +It has been suggested before now that Opera might be improved if the +singing were done behind the scenes and the performance on the stage were +carried out in dumb show by competent actors who looked their parts. But +the idea that the movements on the stage would correspond with the +utterances off it is not encouraged by the present lack of collusion +between singers and orchestra--I refer to cases where a performer is +required to simulate music on a dummy instrument. + +This reflection was forced upon me at a recent performance of _Tannhaeuser_. +It is true that Miss LILLIAN STANFORD as the _Shepherd_ fingered her pipe +in precise accord with the gentleman who played the music for her. But Mr. +MULLINGS, as _Tannhaeuser_, took the greatest liberties with his harp. He +just slapped it whenever he liked, without any regard to the motions of his +collaborator. As for Mr. MICHAEL, who played _Wolfram_, he was content to +fill in the vocal pauses with a little suitable strumming; but when he sang +he was so distracted by his own voice that he left his harp to play the +accompaniment without visible assistance from his hand. + +For the fine performance which Mr. ALBERT COATES conducted I have no word +but of praise, except that I could have wished that Miss ELSA STRALIA had +borne a closer resemblance to what is expected of _Elisabeth_. She seemed +to want to look as much as possible like _Venus_, whose very opposite she +should have been in type as in nature. Her colouring upset the whole scheme +of contrast, and one never began to believe in the sincerity of her +spiritual ideals or that her death from a broken heart was anything but an +affectation. + +O.S. + + * * * * * + +A LEONINE REVIVAL. + +Amongst the dead lions of the past, some of us have prematurely reckoned +those of Peterborough Court. MATT. ARNOLD was supposed to have +administered, if not the _coup de grace_, at any rate a serious blow to +their gambollings in _Friendship's Garland_. + +It is therefore a matter for unfeigned rejoicing to find that they are not +only alive but rampant, with all their old splendid command of polysyllabic +periphrasis. One need only turn to the notice of "The John Exhibition" in +last Thursday's _Daily Telegraph_, from which we select the following +page:-- + +"It [the exhibition] is a display of purposeful portraiture that helps one +to realise the effect which Theotokopoulos produced upon his watchful +contemporaries, and to understand why the Cretan continued to walk alone on +his way. If some insist on finding modern El Greco versions of Inspectors +and Inquisitors-general in this John gathering, compounded of comparatively +innocuous personalities, the privilege is, of course, permissible, and +incidentally brightens conversation in irresponsible circles." + +But a higher level of full-throated _bravura_ is attained later on:-- + +"If reiteration may also be the mark of the best portraiture, _pace_ Lord +Fisher, commendation should be given to Mr. John for continuing to +visualize the great seaman as Jupiter Tonans flashing in gold lace." + +How delightful it is, after the arid methods of the modern critics, bred up +on BENEDETTO CROCE, to hear the old authentic leonine ecstasy of SALA, +"monarch of the florid quill!" Mr. Punch, once hailed by the _D.T._ as "the +Democritus of Fleet Street," on the strength of his "memorable monosyllabic +monition," in turn salutes the immortal protagonist of the purple +polysyllable. + + * * * * * + +WITCHCRAFT. + +(_A Mediaeval Tragedy._) + +"I want," said the maiden, glancing round her with tremulous distaste at +the stuffed crocodile, the black cat and the cauldron simmering on the +hearth, "to see some of your complexion specialities." + +"You want nothing of the kind," retorted the witch. "Why prevaricate? A +maid with your colour hath small need even of my triple extract of toads' +livers. What you have really come for is either a love-potion--" she paused +and glanced keenly at her visitor--"or the means to avenge love +unrequited." + +The maiden had flushed crimson. "I wish he were dead!" she whispered. + +"Now you are talking. That wish is, of course, the simplest thing in the +world to gratify, if only you are prepared to pay for it. I presume Moddam +would not desire anything too easy?" + +"He had promised,", broke out the maiden uncontrollably, "to take me to the +charity bear-baiting matinee in aid of unemployed ex-Crusaders. The whole +thing was arranged. And then at the last moment--" + +"Precisely as I had supposed. A case for one of our superior wax images, +made to model, with pins complete. Melted before a slow fire ensures the +gradual wasting of the original with pangs corresponding to the insertion +of each pin." + +The customer's fine eyes gleamed. "Give me one." + +"I will sell you one," corrected the witch. "But I should warn you. They +are not cheap." + +"No matter." + +"Good. I was about to observe that since our sovereign liege KING RICHARD +granted peace to the Saracen the cost both of material and labour hath so +parlously risen that I am unable to supply a really reliable article under +fifty golden angels." + +"I have them here." + +"With special pins, of course, extra." + +"Take what you will." The maiden flung down a leathern wallet that chinked +pleasingly. The witch, having transferred the contents of this to her own +pocket, proceeded to fashion the required charm, watched by her client with +half-repelled eagerness. + +"Hawk's eye, falcon's nose, raven's lock, peacock's clothes," chanted the +crone, following the words with her cunning fingers. + +"How--how know you him?" Panic was in the voice. + +The other laughed unpleasantly. "Doth not the whole district know the Lord +Oeil-de-Veau by reputation?" She held out the image. "Handle him carefully +and use a fresh pin for each record." + +The maid snatched it from her hands and was turning towards the door of the +hut when a low tap on its outer surface caused her to shrink back alarmed. +The witch had again been watching her with an ambiguous smile. "Should +Moddam wish to avoid observation," she suggested, "the side exit behind +yonder curtain--" In an instant she was alone. Flinging the empty wallet +into the darkest corner the witch (not without sundry chuckles) slowly +unbarred the entrance. + +On the threshold stood a slim female figure enveloped in a cloak. "The love +potion I had here last week," began a timid voice, "seems hardly +satisfactory. If you stock a stronger quality, no matter how expensive--" + +"Step inside," said the witch. + + * * * * * + +Some couple of months later the ladies of the house-party assembled at +Sangazure Castle for the Victory jousts were gathered in the great hall, +exchanging gossip and serf-stories in the firelight while awaiting the +return of their menkind. + +"Hath any heard," lisped one fair young thing, "how fareth the Lord +Oeil-de-Veau? They tell me that some mysterious ailment hath him in +thrall." + +At the words the Lady Yolande Sangazure (whom we have met before) was aware +of a crimson flood mounting swiftly to her exquisite temples. Strange to +add, the same phenomenon might have been observed in a score of damosels +belonging to the best families in the district. The hall seemed suffused in +a ruddy glow that was certainly not reflected from the exiguous pile of +post-Crusading fuel smouldering on the great hearth. + +"Tush!" broke in the cracked voice of a withered old dame, "your news is +old. Not only hath the so-called fever vanished but my lord himself hath +followed it." + +"Gone!" The cry was echoed by twenty voices; twenty embroidery-frames fell +from forty arrested hands, while nine-and-thirty dismayed eyes fixed +themselves upon the maliciously-amused countenance of the speaker. Only +one, belonging to the Lady Beauregarde, who squinted slightly, remained as +though unmoved by the general commotion. + +"Moreover," continued the old dame, "report saith that with him went his +leman, who, having some art in necromancy, transformed her beauty to the +semblance of a witch and provided her own dowry by the sale, to certain +addle-pated wenches, of charms for which her lover himself prepared the +market." + +"But--his fever?" an impetuous voice broke in. + +"Cozening, no doubt. Of course the tale may be but idle babble; still, if +true, one would admit that such credulous fools got no more than they +deserved." + +She ceased, well satisfied. "I fancy," observed the Lady Yolande coldly, +"that I hear our lords returning." And in the eloquent silence a score of +fair young minds slowly assimilated the profound truth (as fresh to-day as +eight hundred years ago) that Satan finds some mischief still for the +impecunious demobilised. + + * * * * * + +TO JESSIE + + (_"one of the Zoo's most popular elephants," now deceased_). + + Jessie of the melting eye, + Wreathed trunk and horny tegum- + Ent, whom I have joyed to ply + With the fugitive mince-pie + And the seasonable legume, + Youth has left me; fortune too + Flounts my efforts to annex it; + Still, I occupy the view, + Bored but loath to leave, while you + Make the inevitable exit. + + Ne'er again for blissful rides + Shall our shouting offspring clamber + Up your broad and beetling sides; + Ne'er again, when eventide's + Coming turns the skies to amber + And the fluting blackbirds call, + Poised above a bale of fodder + In your well-appointed stall + Will you muse upon it all, + Patient introspective plodder. + + Once, an anxious mother's care, + Day by day you roamed the jungle, + Felt the sunshine, sniffed the air; + Life, methinks, was passing fair; + But of that no mortal tongue'll + Tell. Perhaps you never thought + If it bored you or enraptured + Till the wily hunter caught + You and all your friends and brought + Home to England, bound and captured. + + Jessie, fairest of your race, + Now you're gone and few will miss you; + There will come to take your place + Creatures less replete with grace; + Elephants of grosser tissue + Will intrigue the public sight; + That, old girl, 's the common attitude. + Still, these few poor lines I write + May preserve your memory bright, + Since the pen is dipped in gratitude. + + ALGOL. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: MORE ADVENTURES OF A POST-WAR SPORTSMAN. + +_P.-W.S._ (_having struggled over many ploughed fields_). "NOW THEN, MY +LAD, FETCH 'IM OVER 'ERE AND I'LL GIVE YOU A TANNER." + +_Bucolic Profiteer._ "NOA, YE DOAN'T! GIVE OI TEN BOB OR OI LETS HE GO +AGAIN."] + + * * * * * + +OUR BOOKING-OFFICE. + +(_By Mr. Punch's Staff of Learned Clerks._) + +We are apt to think of Lord NORTHCLIFFE as the "onlie begetter" of the New +Journalism. But here comes Mr. KENNEDY JONES, M.P., to remind us, in _Fleet +Street and Downing Street_ (HUTCHINSON), that he too had a very large share +in its parentage. And up to a point he is a proud father. Circulations +reckoned in millions instead of thousands, journalistic salaries raised +from hundreds to thousands, advertisement-revenues multiplied many-fold-- +these are some of the outward signs of the success of a policy which the +author summarised when he told Lord MORLEY, "You left journalism as a +profession; we have made it a branch of commerce." But there is another +side to the medal. _Frankenstein's_ monster was perfect in everything save +that it lacked a soul. In all material things the New Journalism is a long +way ahead of the Old; and yet, after chronicling its many triumphs-- +culminating in the capture of _The Times_--its part-creator is fain to +admit that "public distrust of news is the most notable feature in +journalism of recent years," and that the influence of the daily Press on +the public mind has hardly ever been at a lower ebb. This frankness is +characteristic of a book which on nearly every page contains something to +startle or amuse. The author's experiences on his first day in London, +including an encounter with a sausage-seller (more friendly than CLEON'S +rival); his negotiations for the purchase of _The Times_, and his offer of +the editorship to Lord CURZON, who unfortunately refused it; the +_provenance_ of "The Pekin Massacre," which originated, it appears, not +with a "stunt" journalist, but with a Chinese statesman wishing to pull the +Occidental leg--these and many other incidents are admirably described by a +writer who, though he long ago doffed his journalistic harness, has not +forgotten how to write up a "good story." Be your opinion of the New +Journalism what it may I guarantee that you will find its champion an +agreeable companion. + + * * * * * + +There are parts of Mr. W.J. LOCKE'S latest novel, _The House of Baltazar_ +(LANE), which will, I fear, make almost prohibitive demands upon the faith +(considered as belief in the incredible) of his vast following. To begin +with, he introduces us to that problematical personage, whose possibility +used to be so much debated, the Man Who Didn't Know There Was A War On. +_John Baltazar_ had preserved this unique ignorance, first by bolting from +a Cambridge professorship through amorous complications, next by living +many years in the Far East, and finally by settling upon a remote moorland +farm (locality unspecified) with a taciturn Chinaman and an Airedale for +his only companions. This and other contributory circumstances, for which I +lack space, just enabled me to admit the situation as possible. Naturally, +therefore, when a befogged Zeppelin laid a couple of bombs plonk into the +homestead, the ex-professor experienced a mental as well as a bodily +shake-up. I had no complaint either with the transformation that developed +_John Baltazar_ from the only outsider to apparently the big boss of the +War; while the scenes between him and the son of whose existence he had +been unaware (a situation not precisely new to fiction) are presented with +a sincere and moving simplicity. So far so good, even if hardly equal to +the author's best. But the catastrophe and the melodramatics about +War-Office secrets, preposterously put on paper, and still more +preposterously preserved, simply knocked the wind of reality out of the +whole affair. A pity, since Mr. LOCKE (though I prefer him in more +fantastic vein) has clearly spent much care upon a tale that, till its +final plunge, is at least lively and entertaining. + + * * * * * + +The amateur of lace, whether as expert or owner, will be pleasantly stirred +by learning that another book has been added to the already large +bibliography of a fascinating subject in _The Romance of the Lace Pillow_ +(H.H. ARMSTRONG), published at Olney from the pen of Mr. THOMAS WRIGHT. +Olney, of course, has two claims on our regard--COWPER and Lace, and it is +now evident that Mr. WRIGHT has kept as attentive an eye on the one as on +the other. His book makes no pretence to be more than a brief and frankly +popular survey of the art of lace-making chiefly in Northamptonshire and +Bucks, and to it he has brought a wealth of various information (which the +average reader must take on trust) and an enthusiasm that can be judged by +his opening statement that "lace ... is the expression of the most +rapturous moments of whole dynasties of men of genius." So now you know. +Even those of us who regard it with a calmer pulse can take pleasure in the +many excellent photographs of lace-work of different periods and schools +that adorn Mr. WRIGHT'S volume. As for the letter-press, though I will not +call the writer's style wholly equal to his zeal, his chapters are full of +interesting gossip, ranging from the late KATHERINE OF ARAGON (the +originator, according to one theory, of English lace-making), to some jolly +stuff on the literature of Bobbins and the old Tells, or working-songs, +sung by "the spinners and the knitters in the sun, and the free maids that +weave their threads with bones." I have a fancy that the whole volume has +been more or less a labour of love (never certainly did I meet an author +with such a list of helpers to thank), so I am glad to think that its +reward in one sense is already assured. + + * * * * * + +In _The Fairy Man_ (DENT), a most engrossing phantasy, Mr. L. COPE CORNFORD +takes for raw material a family of Maida Vale, victims of all those petty, +sordid, but deadly troubles known only to the middle class. Without +warrant, explanation, or excuse he introduces into their routine a sudden +touch of magic; the tired City man, the acid foster-mother, the children +(mercifully devoid of any priggishness), and the pre-eminently human +housemaid and cook are transplanted for a moment into the age of the +knights-errant. Thither also are transplanted their special friends and +enemies, all retaining their modern identities and their current troubles, +and all getting unpleasantly involved in the troubles of the ancients, to +boot. Eventually the interlude is found to have provided the solution of +the difficulties, pecuniary and other, of the home in Maida Vale; and I +will say no more than that a very telling story ends well and naturally. No +reader should imagine he has read all this before; the admixture of fairy +imagination with the intensely practical things of life is something new, +and there is a definite purpose in it all. The book may be labelled +intellectual, but the characters always remain very human; thus _George_, +finding himself back in the times of a thousand years ago, says critically, +"It looks old, but it feels just the same;" and his father, seeing him +engaged in an assault on the castle, shouts, "George! put that sword down +instantly." Mr. CORNFORD makes his points with such discretion and +understanding that even the most solid materialist must, after reading, +feel a little less sure of himself. + + * * * * * + +I rather think that if I had the opportunity of discussing with ELINOR +MORDAUNT her _Old Wine in New Bottles_ (HUTCHINSON) and had the courage to +say what was in my mind: "Don't you think perhaps that your vigorous and +unexpected characters are out of story-land rather than out of life?" and +if she riposted, "But is it necessary they should be like life if they are +life-like?" I should be left with no more effective retort than "Quite," or +something just as futile. For there's no doubt that these queer villains, +Chinese dealers, bold sailormen, travellers, rapt lovers, do get over the +footlights in an effective way. They do the things that are only done in +magazines, but they do them with a gusto which engages the attention. +Perhaps indeed that's what the author meant by her ingenious title; though +I suppose her device of setting before each story a longer or shorter, more +or less relevant, passage from the Old Testament gives a clearer clue to +the precise way in which she interprets "nothing new under the sun." I +cheerfully prescribe of this old wine one or two bottles at bedtime. Better +not, I think, the whole case at a sitting. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Tramp._ "YES, MUM, I'M AN OLD SOLDIER; FOUGHT IN THE--" + +_Mrs. Tommy Atkins._ "D'YOU STILL REMEMBER THE ARMY TRAINING?" + +_Tramp._ "THAT I DO, MUM. HAVEN'T FORGOTTEN A SINGLE WORD O' COMMAND." + +_Mrs. T.A._ "THEN, ABOUT--TURN! QUICK--MARCH!"] + + + + + + +End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. +158, March 10th, 1920, by Various + +*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH, OR THE LONDON *** + +***** This file should be named 16364.txt or 16364.zip ***** +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: + https://www.gutenberg.org/1/6/3/6/16364/ + +Produced by Jonathan Ingram, Keith Edkins and the Online +Distributed Proofreading Team at https://www.pgdp.net + + +Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions +will be renamed. + +Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no +one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation +(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without +permission and without paying copyright royalties. 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