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diff --git a/16364-h/16364-h.htm b/16364-h/16364-h.htm new file mode 100644 index 0000000..a656037 --- /dev/null +++ b/16364-h/16364-h.htm @@ -0,0 +1,2412 @@ +<!DOCTYPE html PUBLIC "-//W3C//DTD XHTML 1.0 Transitional//EN" + "http://www.w3.org/TR/xhtml1/DTD/xhtml1-transitional.dtd"> + +<html xmlns="http://www.w3.org/1999/xhtml"> +<head> + <meta http-equiv="Content-Type" content="text/html; charset=iso-8859-1" /> + + <title>Punch, March 10th, 1920.</title> + + <style type="text/css"> + <!-- + body {margin-left: 10%; margin-right: 10%;} + p {text-align: justify;} + p.center {text-align: center;} + p.author {text-align: right; margin-top: -1em; margin-right: 5%;} + p.right {text-align: right; margin-right: 5%;} + .i16 {margin-left: 8em;} + blockquote {text-align: justify;} + h1,h2,h3,h4,h5,h6 {text-align: center;} + pre {font-size: 0.7em;} + + hr {text-align: center; width: 50%;} + html>body hr {margin-right: 25%; margin-left: 25%; width: 50%;} + hr.full {width: 100%;} + html>body hr.full {margin-right: 0%; margin-left: 0%; width: 100%;} + hr.short {text-align: center; width: 20%;} + html>body hr.short {margin-right: 40%; margin-left: 40%; width: 20%;} + + .sc {font-variant: small-caps;} + .note + {margin-left: 10%; margin-right: 10%; font-size: 0.9em;} + + span.pagenum + {position: absolute; left: 1%; right: 91%; font-size: 8pt; text-indent: 0;} + + .poem + {margin-left:10%; margin-right:10%; margin-bottom: 1em; text-align: left;} + .poem .stanza {margin: 1em 0em 1em 0em;} + .poem p {margin: 0; padding-left: 3em; text-indent: -3em;} + .poem p.i2 {margin-left: 1em;} + .poem p.i4 {margin-left: 2em;} + .poem p.i6 {margin-left: 3em;} + .poem p.i8 {margin-left: 4em;} + .poem p.i10 {margin-left: 5em;} + .poem p.i12 {margin-left: 6em;} + .poem p.i16 {margin-left: 8em;} + + .figure, .figcenter, .figright, .figleft + {padding: 1em; margin: 0; text-align: center; font-size: 0.8em;} + .figure img, .figcenter img, .figright img, .figleft img + {border: none;} + .figure p, .figcenter p, .figright p, .figleft p + {margin: 0; text-indent: 1em;} + .figure p.in, .figcenter p.in, .figright p.in, .figleft p.in + {margin: 0; text-indent: 8em;} + .figcenter {margin: auto;} + .figright {float: right;} + .figleft {float: left;} + --> + </style> +</head> +<body> + + +<pre> + +The Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 158, +March 10th, 1920, by Various + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 158, March 10th, 1920 + +Author: Various + +Release Date: July 27, 2005 [EBook #16364] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1 + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH, OR THE LONDON *** + + + + +Produced by Jonathan Ingram, Keith Edkins and the Online +Distributed Proofreading Team at https://www.pgdp.net + + + + + + +</pre> + + <h1>PUNCH,<br /> + OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.</h1> + + <h2>Vol. 158.</h2> + <hr class="full" /> + + <h2>March 10th, 1920.</h2> + <hr class="full" /> +<span class="pagenum"><a name="page181" id="page181"></a>[pg 181]</span> + +<h2>CHARIVARIA.</h2> + + <p>There are one hundred thousand more people living in London than in + New York. But they are only just living.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + + <p>"The Home Rule Bill," says <i>The Irish Unionist Alliance</i>, "would, + if put into operation, cause friction in Ireland." We are sorry to hear + this, for friction is the last thing we want to see in Ireland.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + + <p><font class="sc">M. Grabski</font>, who has just asked for the loan of + three thousand million francs, is the Polish Minister of Finance. Yet + people say there is nothing in a name.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + + <p>A Welsh Prohibition Bill is suggested. We think it should be pointed + out that the Welsh language is natural and not due to + over-indulgence.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + + <p><font class="sc">Dempsey</font>, the American Boxer, is to be charged + with "draft-dodging." The other charge of <font + class="sc">Cochran</font>-dodging will not be proceeded with.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + + <p>Gold in the mouth, says the American Academy of Dental Science, is out + of date. Much the same applies to gold in the pocket.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + + <p>We understand that an American syndicate has been formed for the + purpose of acquiring the sole rights in a suit of clothes by a London + tailor.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + + <p>American whisky is said to create in consumers a desire to climb + trees. British whisky, on the other hand, seems to create in the + Americans a desire to cross the Atlantic.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + + <p>With reference to the road-mender who fell down last week and injured + himself an explanation has now been given. It appears that the colleague + next to him must have moved.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + + <p>No fewer than twenty-seven poems on Spring have been received by one + weekly paper editor. Yet there are people who still maintain that the + crime wave is on the wane.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + + <p>"The Irish swear by two staple beverages," says <i>The Daily Mail</i>. + We feel, however, that an Irishman who was really trying could swear by + more than this.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + + <p>We understand that the Foreign Office takes a serious view of the + large number of public-houses which have been burgled during the last few + weeks. It is feared that it may be the work of a foreign spy who is + endeavouring to secure the recipe of British Government ale.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + + <p>"A large number of army tanks have been sent to Africa," announces an + article in a daily paper. However, as the brontosaurus is supposed to + devour four of these delicacies at every meal, it is feared that unless a + great many more are sent out immediately this dainty animal may be faced + with extermination.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + + <p>A morning paper announces that all airships of "R 34" type are now + obsolete. We have decided to stick a pin in each of ours.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + + <p>From Ireland comes the pleasing news that the wife of a well-known + Sinn Feiner has just presented her husband with a little bomberette.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + + <p>Since the publication of Professor <font class="sc">Keith's</font> + statistics of efficiency, showing the superiority of the physical + condition of miners over that of almost every other class of worker, the + argument, so popular with the advocates of nationalisation, that a + miner's occupation is a most unhealthy one, has been given a rest.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + + <p>"I doubt if even the youngest child to-day will live to see the real + fruits of the War," said the Bishop of Lincoln last week. Another + unmerited slight on the O.B.E.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + + <p>"Visitors to the Zoo," says <i>The Daily Mail</i>, "should not miss + the rare spectacle of the highest five animals under one roof—the + gorilla, the chimpanzee, the orang-outang, the gibbon and man." Naturally + everybody is asking, "Who is the lucky man?"</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + + <p>A merciless campaign against rats is to be waged by the inhabitants of + a large Yorkshire town. This is supposed to be the outcome of the + continued indifference with which these rodents have treated the many + propaganda campaigns which the town has organised.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + + <p>Liverpool City Council is to consider the appointment of women + park-keepers. In support it is urged that when it comes to persuading a + paper bag to go along quietly the superior tact of a woman is bound to + tell.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + + <p>Arrangements for the continuation of the Food Ministry, it is stated, + are still incomplete. It would be a thousand pities if a mere abundance + of food should lead to the disappearance of this valuable department.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + + <p>"Will the gentlemen on the Allied Surrender List," says the <i>Berlin + Official Gazette</i>, "inform the German authorities of their address?" + This is a typical piece of Teutonic duplicity. There are, of course, no + gentlemen on the List.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + + <p>The chiffchaff has been heard in Hampshire and a couple of + road-peckers were observed last week hovering in the neighbourhood of + Wellington Street.</p> + +<hr /> + + <div class="figcenter" style="width:50%;"> + <a href="images/172.png"><img width="100%" src="images/172.png" + alt="" /></a> + <p><i>Holiday-maker</i> (<i>in difficulties.</i>) "<font class="sc">Oh, + dash it! There goes that letter my wife gave me to post a week + ago.</font>"</p> + </div> +<hr /> + +<h4>Another Impending Apology.</h4> + + <blockquote> + <p>"Principal —— said there was a historical connection + between the Royal Asylum for the Insane and the University of + Edinburgh."—<i>Scots Paper.</i></p> + + </blockquote> +<hr class="short" /> + + <blockquote> + <p>"The British rule in India is as savage as that of the Turk in + Armenia."—<i>Washington Times.</i></p> + + </blockquote> + <p>Not the "<i>George</i> Washington Times," you'll note.</p> + +<hr /> + +<span class="pagenum"><a name="page182" id="page182"></a>[pg 182]</span> + +<h2>MEN AND THINGS OF THE MOMENT.</h2> + + <blockquote> + <p>[Mr. Punch cannot hold himself responsible for the views expressed in + the following correspondence.]</p> + + </blockquote> +<p class="center"><font class="sc">The Mallaby-Deeley Emporium.</font></p> + + <p><font class="sc">Dear Mr. Punch</font>,—I want you to use your + influence with that great philanthropist, Mr. <font + class="sc">Mallaby-Deeley</font>. I know that he is too modest to claim + to be a benefactor of the race, but I am at least right in calling him + "Mr.," for that is how he describes himself on his shop-window, and he + would never have done that if he had not desired to avoid confusion with + the common tradesman. Well, I want you to enlist his powerful sympathy in + the cause of the struggling middle classes, to which body I belong. I + refer particularly to our crying need for dinner-jackets at reasonable + prices. I am one of those who spend their holidays at seaside hotels, + where people make a point of dressing for dinner in the hope of giving + their fellow-guests the impression that this is their daily habit in the + home circle. In view of the early advent of Spring I approached my + tailor, the other day, with inquiries as to the cost of an abbreviated + dinner-suit. His prices were as follows:—jacket £10 10<i>s.</i> + 0<i>d.</i>; waistcoat £3 3<i>s.</i> 0<i>d.</i>; trousers £4 10<i>s.</i> + 0<i>d.</i>; total £18 3<i>s.</i> 0<i>d.</i> I am old enough to recall the + time when the most <i>élite</i> tailors of Savile Row charged no more + than £10 10<i>s.</i> 0<i>d.</i> for a complete evening costume, + uncurtailed.</p> + + <p>I am all for the cheap supply of "gentlemen's lounge-suits" for the + so-called working-classes to lounge in. I know of no surer antidote to + the spirit of Bolshevism. But let us not forget the claims of the middle + classes, who are the backbone of the Empire. If Mr. <font + class="sc">Mallaby-Deeley</font> cannot help us in the direction I have + indicated, then let Mr. <font class="sc">Kennedy Jones</font>, on behalf + of the Middle Class Union, put a hyphen to his name and open a shop for + the sale of evening wear at demi-popular prices.</p> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Yours faithfully,</p> + <p><font class="sc">Surbitonian</font>.</p> + </div> + </div> + +<hr class="short" /> + + <p><font class="sc">Dear Mr. Punch</font>,—It would be a thousand + pities if Mr. <font class="sc">Mallaby-Deeley's</font> beneficent scheme + should fail for lack of advertisement. Could you not persuade your + colleagues of the Press to publish from day to day the route of his car's + progress from his private residence (or the terminus from which he + debouches) to his place of business, as in the case of the new Member for + Paisley? My only fear is that the Coalition Government might be suspected + of adopting the Wee Free methods of publicity for political ends; but + this would surely be an unworthy suspicion in the case of a movement + designed for the benefit not of a party, but of mankind.</p> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Yours faithfully,</p> + <p><font class="sc">Stage Manager</font>.</p> + </div> + </div> + +<hr class="short" /> + +<p class="center"><font class="sc">The Decline of Learning.</font></p> + + <p><font class="sc">Dear Sir</font>,—I look for your sympathy when + I say that I regard the abolition of compulsory Greek at Oxford as + tantamount to the collapse of the last bulwark of British Culture. It is + idle for the advocates of this act of vandalism to protest that the + spirit of Ancient Hellas can be adequately conveyed in the form of + translations, and to illustrate this futile argument by reference to the + authorised version of the Hebrew Scriptures. Admirable as that version + may be, is it for a moment to be supposed that it can take the place of + the original as a source of spiritual education? or that our appreciation + of Holy Writ would not be a hundred-fold increased if it were fortified + by a knowledge of the first principles of Hebraic syntax and by an + elementary acquaintance with Hebraic composition. It is impossible to + estimate the influence of such knowledge in tending to endear the Bible + to our youth. To me indeed it has always been incomprehensible that our + Prelates, who presumably have the welfare of the Church at heart, have + never insisted on making Hebrew a compulsory subject for Responsions.</p> + + <p>And now Greek has gone and Oxford is the home of one more lost cause. + The gods (of the gallery) may be with the winners, but it is the losing + side that still appeals to</p> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Yours incorruptibly,</p> + <p><font class="sc">Cato</font>.</p> + </div> + </div> + +<hr class="short" /> + +<p class="center">"<font class="sc"><i>The Times'</i> Flight.</font>"</p> + + <p><font class="sc">Dear Mr. Punch</font>,—His many friends (among + whom I take leave to count myself) will heartily sympathise with Dr. + <font class="sc">Chalmers Mitchell</font> on the engine troubles he has + passed through, culminating in the enforced curtailment of his scientific + expedition. It is gratifying to think that the pure and lofty spirit of + research which animated the great newspaper-proprietor who sent him forth + on this mission has been vindicated by the Doctor's discovery of an + unmapped volcano. Regrettably the conditions under which he observed it + precluded him from making an expert survey of it, and even from securing + specimens of its geological structure. The possibility of such an + unfortunate contingency, which may have escaped the consideration of the + promoter of the expedition, was recognised by other scientists. But it + was confidently expected by his Zoological <i>confrères</i> that his + voyage of exploration would add largely to our knowledge of the habits + and customs of the fauna of Africa, and notably of the giraffe, as + coming, by the exceptional development of its neck, within closest range + of his vision as he flew through the vast inane.</p> + + <p>Even better opportunities for the observation of animal life would, it + was thought, occur during the occasional intervals spent on <i>terra + firma</i> for purposes of repose or repair. And indeed one is greatly + intrigued by the following terse and airmanlike entry in the log for + February 20th: "Much disturbed by lions." Nothing is said of the actual + capture of one of these interesting denizens of the jungle, but reference + to such a feat might well have been omitted out of regard for brevity. Is + it too much to hope that the enterprise of <i>The Times</i> may yet be + rewarded by the addition of a live lion to the Zoological Gardens?</p> + + <p>In any case, by the exceptional opportunities he enjoyed for a careful + study of leaking cylinder jackets, insulating tape, red-leaded joints and + missing engines the intrepid Doctor must have added largely to his + knowledge of mechanical science, to say nothing of the botanical + discoveries he made when his machine came within a few inches of contact + with a banana-tree.</p> + + <p>I, for one, look forward eagerly to his return, when he will be able + to narrate his experience with a fulness and freedom of language + impossible in cabled despatches.</p> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Yours faithfully,</p> + <p><font class="sc">Stanley Livingstone Jones</font>.</p> + </div> + </div> + +<hr /> + +<h4>A "Malade Imaginaire"?</h4> + + <blockquote> + <p>"Bath-chair wanted, small lady good condition."—<i>Ladies' + Paper.</i></p> + + </blockquote> +<hr class="short" /> + +<h4>A Choice of Sinecures.</h4> + + <blockquote> + <p>"<font class="sc">Lady-Nurse-Help</font>; three girls (12, 10, eight); + two maids kept; month's holiday (fortnightly); salary + £40."—<i>Daily Paper.</i></p> + + <p>"<font class="sc">Wanted</font>, a Housemaid, wages 27s. 6d., no + duties."—<i>New Zealand Paper.</i></p> + + </blockquote> +<hr class="short" /> + + <blockquote> + <p>"Lady would like to Join jolly Family for Dinner every + night."—<i>Advt. in Daily Paper.</i></p> + + </blockquote> + <p>Yes, but how long would they remain jolly?</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + + <blockquote> + <p>"Windsor Castle Niggers, from His Majesty's Chapel Royal, gave an + excellent programme."—<i>Local Paper.</i></p> + + </blockquote> + <p>The programme merely announced them as "Windsor Castle Singers," but + this no doubt was to give the audience a greater surprise.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + + <blockquote> + <p>"The revival of the Hunt Ball, and the intelligence that the Race Ball + is also to be re-introduced next month, has restored the —— + dance season to its pre-war brilliance. The Hunt event passed off with + <i>éclair</i>."—<i>Local Paper.</i></p> + + </blockquote> + <p>Supper seems to have been all right, anyhow.</p> + +<hr /> + +<span class="pagenum"><a name="page183" id="page183"></a>[pg 183]</span> + + <div class="figcenter" style="width:100%;"> + <a href="images/174.png"><img width="100%" src="images/174.png" + alt="" /></a> + <h3>A CONVERTED SPIRIT.</h3> + + <p><font class="sc">Genius of Alcohol.</font> "AND TO THINK THAT I WAS + ONCE REGARDED AS AN IMPEDIMENT TO LOCOMOTION!"</p> + </div> +<hr /> + +<span class="pagenum"><a name="page184" id="page184"></a>[pg 184]</span> + + <div class="figcenter" style="width:100%;"> + <a href="images/175.png"><img width="100%" src="images/175.png" + alt="" /></a> + <i>Mayfair Copper.</i> "<font class="sc">Now then, get a move on, + Tarzan. This ain't a monkey neighbourhood.</font>" + </div> +<hr /> + +<h2>WON ON THE POSTS.</h2> + +<p class="center">(<i>With the British Army in France.</i>)</p> + + <p>The decisive victory of the Racing Club de Petiteville—late the + <i>deuxième équipage</i> of the Sportif Club de Petiteville—over + the <i>troisième équipage</i> of the Société Athlétique de Pont Neuf + would not appear to have any bearing on the washing of Percival's collars + and pyjamas; but, according to Elfred Fry, there was a poignant + connection between the two.</p> + + <p>When the Sportif Club received the challenge they doubted whether to + accept it, as the Société Athlétique was rumoured to include several + veterans approaching fifteen years of age and of tremendous physique. On + being conceded the choice of ground, however, they took up the gage and + trained and practised with such vigour that two days before the date of + the match Georges Darré, right back, punted his toe through a previously + suspected weak spot in the ball and irreparably ruined it. The Société + Athlétique was informed of the disaster and asked to supply a ball, but + they answered that no known authority or precedent existed for visiting + teams providing the accessories. There was also an insinuation that the + story of the burst ball was a fabrication, designed to give the Sportif + Club a loophole of escape from a contest that spelt certain defeat.</p> + + <p>Stung to the quick, the <i>deuxième équipage</i> made an urgent appeal + to the <i>premier équipage</i> of the Sportif Club, who replied that this + was the first intimation they had had of the existence of a <i>deuxième + équipage</i>, and recommended a tourney at marbles or a combat of + peg-tops as being more suitable to their tender years.</p> + + <p>Naturally this insult could not be brooked, and it was decided to + break away from the parent body and reorganise under the title of the + Racing Club de Petiteville; but this did not help them to solve the + question of a new ball. Then it was that Théo Navet, left half, and son + of the <i>blanchisseuse</i> in the rue Napoléon, had an inspiration, and + Percival's pyjamas became linked up with the destinies of the club.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + + <p>"It wouldn't surprise me, Sir," said Elfred on the evening when + Petiteville was ringing with the news of the Racing Club's victory by 4 + <i>buts</i> to 2, "if you are the only officer in Mess to-night with a + reelly clean collar."</p> + + <p>"And why am I singled out for so much honour?" asked Percival, taking + the slacks which Elfred produced from between the mattresses. "Has the + Washer-women's Union handed in notices and made a complimentary exception + in my case?"</p> + + <p>"Well, Sir, you <i>'ave</i> been favoured, but it weren't a strike," + explained Elfred. "You know, Sir, there's been an alarming short ration + of coal an' fuel down in the village for a long time, an' two days ago + Madame Navet, who does the orficers' washing, came up an' said she was + bokoo fashay but the washing was napood for the week, becos she couldn't + buy, beg, borrer nor steal enough fuel to keep her copper biling.... Do + we wear the yaller boots to-night, Sir, or the <i>very</i> yaller + ones?"</p> + + <p>"The light pair," said Percival, "to give tone to the clean collar. + But go on."</p> + + <p>"Well, I put it to Madame as my orficer was a very partickler gent, + an' she'd gotter do our washing even if she 'ad to light 'er fire with + the family dresser. She said she was desolated; <span class="pagenum"><a + name="page185" id="page185"></a>[pg 185]</span> she 'adn't sufficient + coal to take the chill off a mouchoir. I thought of trying to borrer a + sack for 'er from the quarter bloke, but our relations 'ave never been + the same since the time I took my weekly ration of 'Pink Princesses' back + an' arsked 'im to change 'em for cigarettes with a bit o' tobacco in.</p> + + <p>"After she'd gone I took a kit inventory 'an found we was down to our + last clean collar, an' we looked like bein' a bit grubby in the matter of + pyjamas. I went a walk to the canteen to think it over, an' on my way + Madame's lad came up an' said 'is team 'ad an important match for two + days later an' could I possibly oblige 'em with a football. Being a + sportsman—I take a franc chance in the camp football sweep every + week—I said I'd try what I could do, knowin' of a ball which me an' + the other batmen punt about in our rare hintervals of leisure. But then + the thought of that washing that wasn't washed came into my mind.</p> + + <p>"'See 'ere, Meredith,' I says. 'Je voo donneray a ball si votre mère + does our washing toot sweet.'"</p> + + <p>"'E looked blue at this an' said they couldn't get fuel nohow.</p> + + <p>"'Compree scrounge?' says I.</p> + + <p>"It seems 'e did. It seems scrounging for fuel 'ad reached such a + pitch in the village that people took their backyard fences in at night, + 'an they 'ad posted a policeman on the station to prevent 'em sawing away + the waiting-room. But our washing 'ad to be done, 'an I thought if I got + the whole of this football team scrounging they might find something as + everyone else 'ad overlooked. So I pretended to be indifferink.</p> + + <p>"'Very well,' says I. 'San fairy ann. Napoo washing—napoo + ball.'</p> + + <p>"That set 'em to work. Next day little boys were scraping the village + over like fowls in a farmyard, getting a chip 'ere an' a shaving there, + an' making themselves such a nuisance that there was talk of calling the + gendarmerie out. They would 'ave done, too, only he'd laid down for a nap + an' left strict orders 'e wasn't to be disturbed. Then they slipped into + the Camp, trying to lay nefarious 'ands on empty ration boxes, but the + Camp police spotted 'em an' chivied them off. I never seen our police so + exhausted as they were at the end of that day.</p> + + <p>"'I can't think what's taken the little varmints,' said the + Provost-Sergeant. 'It ain't the Fifth of November.'</p> + + <p>"On the whole it wasn't a good day's 'unting, but this morning I was + waited on by a deputation wearing striped jerseys, which they appeared to + 'ave put on at early dawn. They said the fire was lit under the copper, + 'an could they 'ave the ball?</p> + + <p>"'Doucemong!' says I. 'Allay along, an' let's see the fire first.'</p> + + <p>"Yes, it were lit, but only just. The water was lukewarm an' the fuel + 'ad nearly all burned away, an' Madame was standing looking at it + hopelessly.</p> + + <p>"'Pas bong,' says I to the lads. 'Pas assay chaud. Voo scroungerez + ongcore.'</p> + + <p>"They was frantic, becos it was nearly match time. I felt inclined to + give 'em the ball, but the thought of you, Sir, in a dirty + collar—"</p> + + <p>"You may keep the pair of old riding-breeches you borrowed without + permission," interrupted Percy.</p> + + <p>"Thank you, Sir. Then all at once the lads 'ad a confab an' went away, + an' in a few minutes they was back with some lovely straight planed props + of timber, an' they chopped 'em up in a jiffy 'an got the fire roaring + 'ot, an' I gave 'em the ball, an' your collars is done an' the rest of + your things is out drying an' will be finished to-morrow."</p> + + <p>"Of course I'm grateful," said Percival. "You might tell your young + friends I'm willing to be a vice-president of their club—on the + usual terms. What's the name of it?"</p> + + <p>"They tell me it's called 'The Racing Club,'" said Elfred. "But I + think, Sir, you'd better give your subscription to the other club in the + village—'The Sportif Club.' You see, Sir, they 'ad a match on + to-day as well, an' when they arrived on the ground they found someone + 'ad been and scrounged their goal-posts!"</p> + +<hr /> + + <div class="figcenter" style="width:66%;"> + <a href="images/176.png"><img width="100%" src="images/176.png" + alt="" /></a> + <p>"<font class="sc">I say, excuse me, dear old top, but you mustn't + wear that gunner tie now you're demobbed. It simply isn't + done!</font>"</p> + </div> +<hr /> + +<span class="pagenum"><a name="page186" id="page186"></a>[pg 186]</span> + +<h2>THE ANNIVERSARY.</h2> + + <p>Having unexpectedly retained possession of my seat in the Tube the + other evening I over-read myself and ran past my station, so it was + rather late when I reached home.</p> + + <p>"Hullo!" I called out cheerily.</p> + + <p>"Hullo!" echoed Margaret in a flat sort of voice; "you back?"</p> + + <p>I refrained from facetiousness and told her that I was.</p> + + <p>"Oh!" she said.</p> + + <p>"Well, well, Margaret," I said in a bright and bustling manner, "we + haven't got on very well so far, have we? Can't you think of some subject + on which we can conduct a conversation in words of more than one + syllable? The skilful hostess should so frame her questions that not even + the shyest visitor can fall back on a simple Yes or No. Now," I + continued, spreading myself luxuriously over the chesterfield, "you know + how shy I am. Try to draw me out, dear. I'm waiting."</p> + + <p>I lit a cigarette. Margaret looked reproachfully at me.</p> + + <p>"What was yesterday?" she said.</p> + + <p>"Tuesday, my dear. We will now have a little chat about Tuesday. + Coming as it does so soon after Monday, it not unnaturally + exhibits—"</p> + + <p>"Tuesday the 25th of February," said Margaret solemnly.</p> + + <p>"Possibly, my dear, possibly. But I cannot say that I find your + remarks very interesting. They may be true, or they may not, but they + certainly seem to me to lack that agreeable whimsicality usually so + characteristic of you."</p> + + <p>"Our wedding-day," said Margaret impressively.</p> + + <p>"Was it really?" I said in a whisper. "And you let it pass without + reminding me. Oh, how could you?"</p> + + <p>Margaret smiled.</p> + + <p>"I didn't think of it till this morning—after you had gone," she + said.</p> + + <p>We both smiled. Then we laughed.</p> + + <p>"You know, we really are a dreadful couple." I said. "Your fault is + greater than mine, though. I'll tell you why. Everyone knows that a + man—especially a manly man—" I tugged my moustache and let my + biceps out for a run—"never remembers anniversaries, whereas a + woman—a womanly woman—does." Here I plucked a daffodil from a + bowl near by and tucked it coyly behind her ear.</p> + + <p>"It really is rather awful of us." Margaret restored the daffodil to + its young companions. "We've only been married three years, too, and yet + already—" She threw out her arms in a hopeless gesture.</p> + + <p>"Still," I said presently, with my hand full of her hand—"still + I daresay we shall get used to it in time—forgetting the day, I + mean. After about the fourth lapse there will be hardly any sting in our + little piece of annual forgetfulness."</p> + + <p>"We mustn't forget to remember we've forgotten it, though, Gerald, so + that we can test the waning powers of the sting."</p> + + <p>"I can see this habit growing on us," I said dreamily; "a few more + years and we shall forget we are married even. I shall come home one + day—provided I remember where we live—and be horrified to + find <i>you</i> established in my house and using my sealing-wax. Or + maybe I shall arrive with some little offering of early rhubarb or forced + artichokes only to be sternly ordered away by a wife who does not + recognise me. 'Please take your greens round to the tradesmen's + entrance,' you will say coldly."</p> + + <p>"I think," said Margaret, "that we ought to be extra nice to each + other now, seeing how short our married life may be. Let's begin at once. + You let me tidy your desk every day for you and—"</p> + + <p>"Won't twice a week satisfy you?" I asked desperately.</p> + + <p>"Perhaps; and anyway"—she put a little packet into my + hand—"here's <i>my</i> present to you, even though you did forget + yesterday."</p> + + <p>"You are a dear, Margaret. And now I'll tell you something. It + was—"</p> + + <p>Just then James came in and announced dinner. James is all our staff; + but her other name is Keziah, so we had no choice.</p> + + <p>As we sat down I took a small box out of my pocket.</p> + + <p>"Give this to your mistress, please," I said to James.</p> + + <p>"O-o-o. How ripping of you, Gerald! So you did remember, after + all."</p> + + <p>"As soon as I got to the station this morning," I said, "I remembered + that our wedding-day was to-day."</p> + + <p>Margaret lifted her eyebrows at me. "To-day?"</p> + + <p>"Yes. You are a little behind—or in front of—the times, + I'm afraid. The twenty-fifth was a Tuesday last year, but it's trying + Wednesday for a change now. Many Happy Returns of the Day, dear."</p> + + <p>We both laughed.</p> + + <p>"Now let's look at our presents," said Margaret happily.</p> + +<hr /> + +<h2>DORA AT THE PLAY.</h2> + + <blockquote> + <p>["You cannot buy a cigarette, or an ice, or a box of chocolates in a + theatre after eight o'clock—by order of D.O.R.A."—<i>Advt. + passim.</i>]</p> + + </blockquote> + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Attentive swain, whose lady has commanded you to be at her</p> + <p>Disposal as an escort on a visit to the theatre,</p> + <p>I give you precious doctrine that is certainly worth sticking to,</p> + <p>At least as long as Dora is alive on earth and kicking too.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>If you would keep your fair companion satisfied and cheery, some</p> + <p>Provision must be made to fill the intervals so wearisome,</p> + <p>For many a gallant fellow has discovered with a shock o' late</p> + <p>That after 8 <font class="sc">p.m.</font> it's still a crime to sell a chocolate.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Though you may haunt the bar till ten and confidently mutter "Scotch,"</p> + <p><i>She</i> may not even clamour for a humble slab of butterscotch,</p> + <p>And should the heat suggest an ice—may I be rolled out flat if I</p> + <p>Distort the truth—it's courting gaol that harmless wish to gratify.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>As for yourself, if you should yearn for blest tobacco's medium</p> + <p>In those long waits between the Acts to while away the tedium,</p> + <p>And find you're out of cigarettes, remember that to sell any</p> + <p>A minute past the fatal hour is counted as a felony.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Unless the pair of you affect the life ascetic, you'll</p> + <p>Be well advised to carry in a hamper or a reticule</p> + <p>A goodly store of provender, both smokeable and eatable,</p> + <p>For Dora's in the saddle yet and seemingly unseatable.</p> + </div> + </div> + +<hr /> + +<h4>Broody.</h4> + + <blockquote> + <p>"Will the Imperial Government hen proceed to a new conquest of + Southern Ireland?"—<i>Daily Paper.</i></p> + + </blockquote> + <p>No, we expect it will be left sitting.</p> + +<hr /> + + <blockquote> +<p class="center">"HIDDEN MUMMIES.</p> + + <p>The Museum authorities are receiving numerous inquiries when the + mummies will be on view, particularly for school + children."—<i>Daily Paper.</i></p> + + </blockquote> + <p>We hope that the N.S.P.C.C. will see to it that all mummies are + allowed to return to their families without further delay.</p> + +<hr /> + +<span class="pagenum"><a name="page187" id="page187"></a>[pg 187]</span> + + <div class="figcenter" style="width:100%;"> + <a href="images/178.png"><img width="100%" src="images/178.png" + alt="" /></a> + <h3>MANNERS AND MODES.</h3> + + <p class="center">THEN AND NOW.</p> + + <p>[<i>From an Early-Victorian pocket "Etiquette for + Gentlemen</i>":—"If you so far forget what is elegant as to smoke + in the street or park, at least never omit to fling away your cigar if + you speak to a lady."]</p> + </div> +<hr /> + +<span class="pagenum"><a name="page188" id="page188"></a>[pg 188]</span> + + <div class="figcenter" style="width:100%;"> + <a href="images/179.png"><img width="100%" src="images/179.png" + alt="" /></a> + <h3>BEHIND THE SCENES IN CINEMA-LAND.</h3> + + <p>IT IS A TERRIBLE MOMENT FOR THE FILM ACTOR WHEN HE REALISES THAT HE + IS GETTING TOO FAT TO PLAY HERO, AND NOT FAT ENOUGH TO BE FUNNY.</p> + </div> +<hr /> + +<h2>GOLF NOTES.</h2> + +<p class="center">(<i>With acknowledgments to Mr. A.C.M. +Croome.</i>)</p> + +<p class="center"><font class="sc">Approaching.</font></p> + + <p><font class="sc">Taylor</font>—or was it <font class="sc">James + Braid</font>?—begins one of his classic and illuminating chapters + with the quotation "<i>Ex pede Herculem</i>," nor can even we of the + Oxford and Cambridge Golfing Society venture to differ from so eminent an + authority or grudge him so apt a phrase. <i>Verb. sap.</i> and, let me + add, <i>sat</i>. To those, few perhaps in actual reckoning (though I, + wearing of right the wine-dark vesture—were there half Blues in + <font class="sc">Homer's</font> time?—cannot compete with <font + class="sc">John Low</font> <i>et hoc genus omne</i>, Cantabs confessed, + in the prestidigitation of numerals and weird signs of values)—to + those, then, few, but of many parts appreciative, who followed a certain + foursome at Addington last week, my premiss should be intrinsically + incontrovertible. Partner, whom I had "made" with a drive well and truly + apportioned—<i>ex carne ictum</i>—partner, after much + self-searching and mental recursion to the maxims of <font class="sc">Tom + Morris</font> and <font class="sc">La Rouchefoucauld</font>, took his + ball on the—<i>O horribile dictu</i> (or shall I say <i>horresco + referens</i>?)—well, to be meticulously exact, partner shanked it. + And it is just here that those who have also enjoyed a University + education will pick up—even as partner failed to do—what I, + who write, am driving at.</p> + + <p>Remembering how dear old W.G.—in those halcyon days when + Gloucester was worthy of the cheese whereof she is now so chary a + producer—used to score with that heavy cut between point and cover, + I too, greatly daring, cut it and laid it (the ball, not the cheese) + dead. <i>De mortuis</i> ... For assuredly it <i>was</i> good.</p> + + <p>The one adornment of this episode should have been a quotation from + <font class="sc">Aristophanes</font>. It is not, however, given to all + men always to remember. <i>Non cuivis</i>, in fact.</p> + +<p class="center"><font class="sc">Of Impact.</font></p> + + <p>It was at the ensuing consumption of Bohea, or of its substitute as + provided by a paternal Government, that one of the party, with the + rashness of a <i>d'Artagnan</i>, reverted to the question of weight of + clubs. <font class="sc">Abe Mitchell's</font> driver, of course, gave him + a handle; but himself he, unaided, gave away. For it is not to be boasted + by every man that he has been blessed with an <i>Alma Mater</i>, and that + consequently logic is to him even as hair and teeth—save only that + these twain be not false. For, said this unhappy wight, increase the + weight and the corollary is length increased.</p> + + <p>Then arose a certain justly eminent author, whose list of tales is + equalled only by the tale of his handicap, and demonstrably discounted + weight without pace.</p> + + <p>It was then agreed that a test <i>ad hominem</i> should be applied, + and that the result of such test should determine the individuality of + him who should settle with our Ganymede. Partner and I + pushed—<i>gemitu et fremitu</i>—a bulky sideboard against a + paper ball. The inertia of the object was barely overcome.</p> + + <p>Then the man of letters flicked it across the room with finger and + thumb. And the original theorist became the poorer by the commercial + estimate of four teas and jam.</p> + +<p class="center"><font class="sc">Putting.</font></p> + + <p>It has been said elsewhere, yet may not therefore be wholly lacking in + elemental veracity, that putting is the devil. Systems more numerous than + dactyls and spondees in Classic verse, patent putters outnumbered only by + howlers in Oxford responsions, bear witness to this graceless statement. + Quite lately in these columns have I confessed—<i>pulvere + cineribusque</i>—that our side had twice failed at the + inconsiderable <span class="pagenum"><a name="page189" + id="page189"></a>[pg 189]</span> distance of two yards, even after + discarding the small thirty-two. But that further confession will be + forthcoming is now wildly and preposterously problematical. For I have + discovered the true exorcism for demoniac influence in putting. It is + this: First catch your putter. Put the whole length of the shaft up your + sleeve. Then—but I must retain something for next Saturday's notes, + and, besides, I fancy the secretary of the Club where I am inditing these + words has his frugal eye on the consumption of the note-paper. But what I + have written I have written. <i>Litera scripta manet.</i></p> + +<hr /> + + <div class="figcenter" style="width:100%;"> + <a href="images/180.png"><img width="100%" src="images/180.png" + alt="" /></a> + <p><i>Eminent London Architect</i> (<i>submitting his designs to our + Village Victory Memorial Committee and warming to his work</i>). + "...<font class="sc">and, surmounting the whole, a graceful figure of + Victory, with wreath—so.</font>"</p> + </div> +<hr /> + +<h2>THE COALITION OF 1950.</h2> + + <p>"Aren't you being rather badly hit by the price of tobacco?" I asked + Charles, whose pipe is a kind of extra limb to him.</p> + + <p>"I have just been composing the plot of a novel," he replied with + apparent irrelevance. "It begins something like this:—</p> + + <p>"'Slowly and softly the violet dusk set in. The beautiful young + Première stood at the window of her yellow-and-black boudoir, gazing a + little wistfully at the almost deserted pavements of Downing Street. A + white pigeon perched—'"</p> + + <p>"They aren't white," I said; "they're a sort of purply pinky + grey."</p> + + <p>"All right," said Charles, unmoved, "only it rather spoils the + sentence. 'A sort of purply pinky grey pigeon perched + pompously—'"</p> + + <p>"Never mind the pigeon," I said, "tell me what was the trouble with + the B.Y.P."</p> + + <p>"A change in the leadership of the Opposition. The old leaderess had + just retired and her place had been taken by a new one, a man this time, + young and handsome as Apollo, who had thrown up the Chair of + Cinematography at the London University to plunge on to a political + platform."</p> + + <p>"What was the programme," I inquired, "of + this—er—furniture-remover?"</p> + + <p>"He was a reactionary," said Charles. "The Première's party had won a + not too sweeping victory at the polls on prohibition (not of alcohol, of + course—that had been done long ago—but of tobacco)."</p> + + <p>"How on earth did she do it?"</p> + + <p>"National economy, mostly," answered Charles. "She had the wives' vote + solid, and they carried the more docile of the husbands with them. She + had to throw out bribes to the unmarried electorate of both sexes, of + course, bribes which she had since been attempting to pay. Powder and + chocolates had been made cheaper. There was the Endowment of Cinemas Act + of 1948, and the Subsidized Football Bill of '49. But all these + extravagances had largely ruined the effect of the abolition of tobacco. + At the beginning of that year she had been obliged to cancel the State + holiday on Mondays—"</p> + + <p>"Why Mondays?" I inquired.</p> + + <p>"Everyone feels beastly on Monday."</p> + + <p>"But I don't see why they should feel any better on Tuesday."</p> + + <p>"It was twenty-four hours nearer Saturday," he replied, "and Saturday + was also a State holiday. Labour, of course, was infuriated, and unrest + was every day becoming more apparent. The by-elections were going against + the Première. And now this new handsome young hero had arisen not only to + crystallise the support of his own sex, but capture the hearts of all the + female electorate under twenty."</p> + + <p>"Twenty!" I gasped.</p> + + <p>"Everyone over fifteen had the franchise," said Charles calmly. "Now + mark you, the programme of the Opposition was very cunning. They only + proposed to reintroduce cigar and cigarette smoking. Edward Oburn, the + young leader, being a film actor, naturally smoked nothing but exquisite + Havanas. In <span class="pagenum"><a name="page190" id="page190"></a>[pg + 190]</span> this he had the support of the wealthier employers, but the + enormous army of cigarette-suckers, male and female, was with him.</p> + + <p>"But I don't see how he proposed to cut down expenses," I + objected.</p> + + <p>"He was going to tax the printing of all words over two syllables in + length," replied Charles. "The Press of those days was not affected by + the proposal, but a considerable revenue was expected from scientific + books, high-brow novels and Socialistic publications. Well, the Première, + as I say, was a prey to sad reflections, when suddenly the chur-chur of a + taxi—"</p> + + <p>"Aren't you thinking of night-jars?" I said.</p> + + <p>"Possibly I am," he admitted; "it may have been a chug-chug. Anyway, + it threw a wide arc of light into the gloom and stopped at the door of + No. 10. A few moments later the door of the boudoir was flung open and + the Chancellor of the Exchequer was announced."</p> + + <p>"What did <i>she</i> want?"</p> + + <p>"She was a he this time, and had come to announce the + inevitable—the very thing that the Première was thinking about and + fearing. 'We must have the Bachelor Tax,'" he said.</p> + + <p>"Now, the Bachelor Tax had been tried some twenty years before, but + had failed, partly owing to the number of passive resisters who had had + to be forcibly fed, and partly owing to the number of men who had shown + substantial proof of recurrent rejections. How were they to bring in a + reasonable and satisfactory Bill? After a long consultation, lasting + several hours beyond midnight—"</p> + + <p>"Did the taxi go on chugging?" I asked.</p> + + <p>"Shut up. They decided eventually that if a bachelor made a written + proposal and was rejected he was entitled to have his case tried before a + jury of women, who should decide whether it was a reasonable offer and + one that should normally have been accepted. If they found that it was, + he was to be exempt from further efforts. The Bill was accordingly + drafted, and carried easily, and the sequel no doubt you have guessed. On + the day after it became law the beautiful young Première received a + neatly-typed offer of marriage from Edward Oburn. They met; there was a + scene of the utmost beauty and pathos; they became engaged, and the + Coalition Government of the middle of 1950 began."</p> + + <p>"How long did it go on?" I inquired.</p> + + <p>"Until the day of revolution," said Charles pleasantly, refilling his + foul old briar—"the great day when Fleet Street ran with blood and + the pipe-smokers put up barricades in the Strand, and Piccadilly became a + reeking shambles. Have you got a match?"</p> + +<p class="author"><font class="sc">Evoe.</font></p> + +<hr /> + + <div class="figcenter" style="width:100%;"> + <a href="images/181.png"><img width="100%" src="images/181.png" + alt="" /></a> + <i>Knowledgeable Female</i> (<i>interpreting costumes to the + crowd</i>). "<font class="sc">And 'im—'e's a Esquimoke.</font>" + </div> +<hr /> + + <blockquote> + <p>"The chauffeur, who sprang into the vehicle as it started off, was + injured when it collided with a lamppost. Both were removed to + hospital.—<i>Daily Paper.</i></p> + + </blockquote> + <p>It is hoped that when the lamp-post has recovered it may throw some + light on the accident.</p> + +<hr /> + +<p class="center">"'In a few more fleeting years'</p> + + <blockquote> + <p>The —— will still be Earning Money for its owner when + other cars have caused their owners to become but a + memory."—<i>Provincial Paper.</i></p> + + </blockquote> + <p>The advertiser ought not, we think, to have suppressed the names of + these murderous machines.</p> + +<hr /> + +<span class="pagenum"><a name="page191" id="page191"></a>[pg 191]</span> + + <div class="figcenter" style="width:100%;"> + <a href="images/182.png"><img width="100%" src="images/182.png" + alt="" /></a> + <h3>THE KINDEST CUT OF ALL.</h3> + + <p><font class="sc">Welsh Wizard.</font> "I NOW PROCEED TO CUT THIS MAP + INTO TWO PARTS AND PLACE THEM IN THE HAT. AFTER A SUITABLE INTERVAL + THEY WILL BE FOUND TO HAVE COME TOGETHER OF THEIR OWN ACCORD— + (<i>ASIDE</i>)—AT LEAST LET'S HOPE SO; I'VE NEVER DONE THIS TRICK + BEFORE."</p> + </div> +<hr /> + +<span class="pagenum"><a name="page193" id="page193"></a>[pg 193]</span> + +<h2>ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT.</h2> + + <div class="figright" style="width:33%;"> + <a href="images/183-2.png"><img width="100%" src="images/183-2.png" + alt="" /></a> + <p class="center">MR. ASQUITH SITS UP AND TAKES NOTICE.</p> + + <p>"<font class="sc">The Manchester School of Politics is dead and + there is no going back to it.</font>"—<i>Mr. <font + class="sc">Neil MacLean</font>.</i></p> + </div> + <p><i>Monday, March 1st.</i>—Calendar note (extracted from <i>The + Wee Free Almanack</i>): "Asquith comes in like a lion."</p> + + <p>Everybody wanted to see the victor of Paisley make his <i>rentrée</i>. + The Peers' Gallery was so crowded with his former colleagues that Lord + <font class="sc">Rothermere</font> had scarcely room for the big stick + which typifies his present attitude towards the Government. Poor Lord + <font class="sc">Beaverbrook</font> was quite in the background; but I am + told that on historic occasions he always prefers, with characteristic + modesty, to be behind the scenes.</p> + + <p>As the hero of the hour walked up the floor, escorted by Sir <font + class="sc">Donald Maclean</font> and Mr. <font class="sc">Thorne</font>, + his supporters did their best to give him a rousing welcome. But they + were too few to produce much effect, and a moment or two later, when Mr. + <font class="sc">Lloyd George</font> left the Treasury Bench to greet his + old chief behind the <font class="sc">Speaker's</font> Chair, they were + compelled to hear the young bloods of the Coalition "give a louder + roar."</p> + + <p>Finding the traditional seat of the Leader of the Opposition still in + the occupation of Mr. <font class="sc">Adamson</font>, Mr. <font + class="sc">Asquith</font> bestowed himself between the Labour Leader and + Mr. <font class="sc">Neil Maclean</font>, with whom he entered into + conversation. If he was endeavouring to expound for his benefit the moral + of Paisley I am afraid he had but a poor success, for in the ensuing + debate on food-control the Member for Govan shocked Liberal hearers by + declaring that "the Manchester School is dead and there is no going back + to it." In opposing the continuance of D.O.R.A. Captain <font + class="sc">Elliot</font> was again in good form. His best <i>mot</i>, + "With the Cabinet a thing is always either <i>sub judice</i> or <i>chose + jugée</i>," will take a good deal of beating as a summary of the + Ministerial method of answering Questions.</p> + +<br clear="all" /> + + <div class="figright" style="width:50%;"> + <a href="images/183-1.png"><img width="100%" src="images/183-1.png" + alt="" /></a> + <p class="center">SUPPLEMENTARY QUESTIONS ON THE CLOTHING + DIFFICULTY.</p> + + <p><font class="sc">Mr. G.R. Thorne to ask Mr. Mallaby-Deeley + (Controller of Suitings) what is the price of his latest + cut.</font></p> + + <p><font class="sc">Lt.-Col. Will Thorne to ask whether any reduction + is made in proportion to quantity of cloth purchased.</font></p> + </div> + <p>I understand that Mr. <font class="sc">Mallaby-Deeley</font> disclaims + being the customer to whom the Disposals Board sold 577,000 suits of + Government clothing. He makes a point of never being over-dressed.</p> + + <p>A suggestion that in view of the difficulty of filling diplomatic + vacancies the Government should appoint suitable women to some of these + posts was declined by the <font class="sc">Prime Minister</font> on the + ground that it was not practicable at present. I doubt if he would have + had the hardihood to make this avowal but that Lady <font + class="sc">Astor</font> had been ousted from her usual seat by Mr. <font + class="sc">Pemberton Billing</font>.</p> + + <p><i>Tuesday, March 2nd.</i>—Lieut.-Commander <font + class="sc">Kenworthy</font> might be described as a pacificist who + conducts a persistent offensive. He accused the <font class="sc">War + Minister</font> of having made a false statement about Conscription in + America, and later on made an allusion to General <font + class="sc">Denikin</font> which Mr. <font class="sc">Churchill</font>, to + the satisfaction of the House, which does not exactly love the Central + Hullaballoonist, described as "a singularly ill-conditioned sneer."</p> + + <p>Lord <font class="sc">Winterton</font>, once the "baby" of the House, + is still one of its most popular figures. Members were quite interested + as he proceeded to explain, with an engaging blush, that a "hard case" + which he had brought to the notice of the <font class="sc">War + Minister</font> was his own, and sorry when the <font + class="sc">Speaker</font> brought the narrative to a sudden stop by + observing, "This is not the moment for autobiography."</p> + + <p>The <font class="sc">First Commissioner of Works</font> was roundly + abused for having spent £3,250 on tapestry for Hampton Court Palace. But + when it turned out that the panel in question was the long-missing number + of a set belonging to Cardinal <font class="sc">Wolsey</font>, and that + its recovery was largely due to the enterprise and munificence of the + right hon. gentleman himself, the House agreed that his completion of + "Seven Deadly Sins" was a venial offence.</p> + +<br clear="all" /> + + <div class="figright" style="width:33%;"> + <a href="images/183-3.png"><img width="100%" src="images/183-3.png" + alt="" /></a> + <p class="center">THE HULLABALLOONIST.</p> + + <p class="center"><font class="sc">Lieut.-Commander + Kenworthy.</font></p> + </div> + <p>Other Estimates evoked more healthy <span class="pagenum"><a + name="page194" id="page194"></a>[pg 194]</span> criticism. Sir <font + class="sc">Frederick Banbury</font> was eloquent upon what he called a + "hotel for gardeners" at Kew. Mr. <font class="sc">Hogge</font> was for + rooting up the Royal Botanical Gardens, since they were hardly ever + visited by Scotsmen, and Captain <font class="sc">Stanley Wilson</font> + inveighed against the extravagance with which the British delegates were + housed in Paris. Sir <font class="sc">Alfred Mond</font> admitted that + they "did themselves very well," but pleaded that they could hardly be + expected to go to Montmartre—at least not collectively—and + pointed out that some of the criticisms should be addressed to other + Departments. He was not responsible, for example, for "clothes of + typists."</p> + + <p><i>Wednesday, March 3rd.</i>—Among the things that they do + better in France, according to Lord <font class="sc">Sudeley</font>, is + the popularisation of picture-galleries and museums. He instanced the + pictures on French match-boxes. But were they always confined to + reproductions of Louvre masterpieces? My recollection is that at one time + they took a wider range and were distinctly more striking than the + matches.</p> + + <p>One was reminded of <font class="sc">Praed's</font> lines—</p> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>"Hume, no doubt, will be taking the sense</p> + <p>Of the House on a question of thirteen-pence"—</p> + </div> + </div> + + <p>when the Government very nearly came to grief to-night over a question + of five pounds for the Inland Revenue offices in Manchester. In vain Mr. + <font class="sc">Baldwin</font> pointed out the desirability of giving + proper accommodation to the gentlemen who pick our pockets in the + interest of the State. The House was still obstinate, until Mr. <font + class="sc">Bonar Law</font> declared that the Government would resign if + they did not get their "fiver." As he undertook, however, not to spend it + without further leave, the vote at last went through.</p> + + <p><i>Thursday, March 4th.</i>—Lord <font + class="sc">Buckmaster's</font> scheme for preventing the bankruptcy of + the State is to make everybody invest a portion of his capital in + Government securities and to withhold the interest until such time as the + State should find it convenient to pay. This, he explained to his own + satisfaction, was quite different from that dangerous expedient, a levy + on capital. Lord <font class="sc">Peel</font> took a more cheerful view + of the situation, and indicated that it was quite unnecessary for noble + lords to get the wind up, since the Government would have no difficulty + in raising it.</p> + + <p>Even the most rigid economists will not cavil at the latest addition + to our financial burdens. The <font class="sc">Pensions Minister</font> + announced an addition of close on two millions a year to the annual + charge. The increase is chiefly for a much-needed improvement in the + allowances made to disabled officers, who have hitherto been but scurvily + treated.</p> + + <p>Mr. <font class="sc">Higham</font> objected to receiving an answer + about the telephones from Mr. <font class="sc">Pike Pease</font>. He + demanded a reply from the <font class="sc">Prime Minister</font>, not + from a representative of the department impugned. The <font + class="sc">Speaker</font>, however, pointed out that there were limits to + the <font class="sc">Premier's</font> responsibilities: "He does not run + the whole show." After this descent into the vernacular I half-expected + that Mr. <font class="sc">Lowther</font> would dam the stream of + Supplementaries that followed with, "Oh, ring off!" but he contented + himself with calling the next Question.</p> + + <p>The debate on the Third Reading of the War Emergency Laws + (Continuance) Bill was chiefly devoted to Ireland. Captain <font + class="sc">Wedgwood Benn</font>, after spending a whole week in that + country, is convinced that all the trouble is due to the Government's + reliance upon D.O.R.A., and declared that the only people who were not in + gaol were the murderers. That would mean that there are some four million + assassins in Ireland; which I feel sure is an exaggeration. The two + hundred thousand mentioned by the <font class="sc">Chief Secretary</font> + would seem to be ample for any country save Russia.</p> + + <p>Scarcely was this gloomy episode over than the House was called upon + to pass a Supplementary Estimate of £860 for "Peace Celebrations in + Ireland." As £500 of this sum was for flags and decorations, which, in + Mr. <font class="sc">Baldwin's</font> phrase, "remain for future use," + the Irish outlook may, after all, be not quite so black as it is + painted.</p> + +<hr /> + + <div class="figcenter" style="width:100%;"> + <a href="images/184.png"><img width="100%" src="images/184.png" + alt="" /></a> + <p><i>Hawker</i> (<i>to lady who is in bitter need of fuel</i>). "<font + class="sc">Eager as I am, Madam, to explain the merits of these logs at + fourteen shillings a hundred, I cannot ignore the notice emblazoned on + your gate, and therefore wish you a very good day.</font>"</p> + </div> +<hr /> + +<span class="pagenum"><a name="page195" id="page195"></a>[pg 195]</span> + +<h3>A BUY ELECTION.</h3> + + <blockquote> + <p>[The excellent precedent set by Mr. <font + class="sc">Mallaby-Deeley</font> in supplying needed goods at cheap rates + may prove a little awkward if adopted by Parliamentary Candidates, as + shown in the following anticipatory report.]</p> + + </blockquote> + <p>Quiet confidence reigned in the ranks of the Muddleboro Labour Party. + The action of their Candidate, Mr. Dulham, in arranging for a + co-operative milk supply at sixpence per quart, was supposed to have won + the hearts of all householders. They had no fear of Mr. Coddem, the + representative of the great <font class="sc">Bottomley</font> party. It + was true that Mr. Coddem had taken over a local brewery and was supplying + beer at threepence per pint. But the Labour stalwarts argued that, in the + first place, this would lose him the women's and temperance vote, and, in + the second place, the electors would drink the brewery dry in + double-quick time. All those who failed to get cheap beer would revenge + themselves on the Candidate who had failed to keep his promise.</p> + + <p>The Wee Free cause was nearly hopeless. Their candidate, Mr. Guff, had + made a desperate bid for popularity by offering, in conjunction with + <i>The Daily News</i>, cocoa at reduced rates. But the Labour Candidate + had put the pointed question, "Who made cocoa dear in the first place?" + and Mr. Guff had evaded the question.</p> + + <p>When Mr. Stilts, the National Party Candidate, promised the public + cheaper honours—urging that, if he were returned, it would be + unnecessary to subscribe to party funds to get a title—the voters + were quite unmoved. Perhaps they knew that they could get the O.B.E. for + nothing, anyhow, and had no higher ambitions.</p> + + <p>The Coalition Candidate, Mr. Jenkins, alone said nothing. <i>The + Star</i>, that famous organ of the Anti-Gambling Party, proclaimed + triumphantly that the odds offered in the constituency were ten to one + against Jenkins. But Mr. Jenkins lay low and said nothing. Or rather he + achieved the not impossible feat in a Parliamentary contest of saying + nothing and saying a good deal.</p> + + <p>But the day before the poll Mr. Jenkins's polling cards were + delivered. They were headed, "Vote for Jenkins and Kill Profiteering. + Give up this card at your polling-station for free samples of silks in my + great blouse offer. I sell for 9<i>s.</i> 11¾<i>d.</i> a blouse usually + priced at two guineas. Not more than six sold to any one voter. <font + class="sc">Out Sizes no Extra Charge.</font>"</p> + + <p>A quarter-mile queue of lady-voters was standing outside the polling + booths at eight o'clock. Hundreds of them had their husbands in custody + with them. In vain were representations of the Full Milk Jug and the + Flowing Pint Pot paraded before them. The Wee Free procession, headed by + a Brimming Cocoa Cup, was received with jeers.</p> + + <p>When the poll was declared the figures ran—</p> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Jenkins (Coalition) ... 20,428</p> + <p>Coddem (Bottomley) ... 9,344</p> + <p>Dulham (Labour) ... 9,028</p> + <p>Guff (Wee Free) ... 2,008</p> + <p>Stilts (National Party) ... 49</p> + </div> + </div> + + <p>And <i>The Daily News</i>' headline the next day was—</p> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>"<font class="sc">Corrupt Minority Candidate Carries Muddleboro.</font>"</p> + </div> + </div> + +<hr /> + + <div class="figcenter" style="width:66%;"> + <a href="images/185.png"><img width="100%" src="images/185.png" + alt="" /></a> + <div class="i16"> + <h3>DÉMODÉ.</h3> + + <p><i>She.</i> "<font class="sc">Somewhat archaic— + what?</font>"</p> + + <p><i>He.</i> "<font class="sc">Ye—es. All right six weeks ago. + <i>Quite</i> academical now.</font>"</p> + </div> + </div> +<hr /> + +<h4>Commercial Candour.</h4> + + <p>From a poultry-breeder's advertisement:—</p> + + <blockquote> + <p>"My strains of Rhodes are only too well known."</p> + + </blockquote> +<hr class="short" /> + + <blockquote> + <p>"Miss Winnie ——, the charming and talented actress, + writes:—'I am quite positive—I owe my present health and + spirits to ——.'"—<i>Advt. in Daily Paper.</i></p> + + <p>"Poor Miss Winnie —— has had to retire suddenly from the + revue—doctor's orders."—<i>Same paper, same day.</i></p> + + </blockquote> + <p>We should have liked to hear the Advertisement Manager's view of the + News Editor.</p> + +<hr /> + +<span class="pagenum"><a name="page196" id="page196"></a>[pg 196]</span> + + <div class="figcenter" style="width:100%;"> + <a href="images/186.png"><img width="100%" src="images/186.png" + alt="" /></a> + "<font class="sc">Oo, Lumme! Wot price Reginald in 'is + Mallaby-Deeleys?</font>" + </div> +<hr /> + +<h2>FREUD AND JUNG.</h2> + + <blockquote> + <p>[A reviewer in a recent issue of <i>The Times Literary Supplement</i> + asks, "Why should the characters in the psychological novel be invariably + horrid?" and is inclined to explain this state of affairs by the + undiscriminating study of "the theories of two very estimable gentlemen, + the sound of whose names one is beginning to dislike—Messrs. Freud + and Jung."]</p> + + </blockquote> + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>In <font class="sc">Queen Victoria's</font> placid reign, the novelists of note</p> + <p>In one respect, at any rate, were all in the same boat;</p> + <p>Alike in <i>Richard Feverel</i> and in <i>Aurora Floyd</i></p> + <p>You'll seek in vain for any trace of Messrs. <font class="sc">Jung</font> and <font class="sc">Freud</font>.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>They did not fail in colour, for they had their <font class="sc">Peacock's</font> tales;</p> + <p>Their heroines, I must admit, ran seldom off the rails;</p> + <p>They had their apes and angels, but they never once employed</p> + <p>The psycho-analytic rules devised by <font class="sc">Jung</font> and <font class="sc">Freud</font>.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>They ran a tilt at fraud and guilt, at snobbery and shams;</p> + <p>They had no lack of Meredithyrambic epigrams;</p> + <p>The types that most appealed to them were not neurasthenoid;</p> + <p>They lived, you see, before the day of Messrs. <font class="sc">Jung</font> and <font class="sc">Freud</font>.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>(I've searched the last edition of the famous <i>Ency. Brit.</i></p> + <p>And neither of this noble pair is even named in it;</p> + <p>Only the men since Nineteen-Ten have properly enjoyed</p> + <p>The privilege of studying the works of <font class="sc">Jung</font> and <font class="sc">Freud</font>.)</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Their characters, I grieve to say, were never more unclean</p> + <p>Than those of ordinary life, in morals or in mien;</p> + <p>They had not slummed or fully plumbed with rapture unalloyed</p> + <p>The unconscious mind as now defined by Messrs. <font class="sc">Jung</font> and <font class="sc">Freud</font>.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>The spiritual shell-shock which these scientists impart</p> + <p>Had not enlarged or cleared the dim horizons of their art;</p> + <p>They had not learned that mutual love by wedlock is destroyed,</p> + <p>As proved by the disciples of the school of <font class="sc">Jung</font> and <font class="sc">Freud</font>.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>The hierophants of pure romance, ev'n in its recent mood,</p> + <p>From <font class="sc">Stevenson</font> to <font class="sc">Conrad</font>, such excesses have eschewed;</p> + <p>But the psycho-pathologic route was neither mapped nor buoyed</p> + <p>Until the new discoveries of Messrs. <font class="sc">Jung</font> and <font class="sc">Freud</font>.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>That fiction should be tonic all may readily agree;</p> + <p>That its function is emetic I, for one, could never see;</p> + <p>And so I'm glad to find <i>The Times Lit. Supp.</i> has grown annoyed</p> + <p>At the undiscriminating cult of Messrs. <font class="sc">Jung</font> and <font class="sc">Freud</font>.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Let earnest "educationists" assiduously preach</p> + <p>The value of psychology in training those who teach;</p> + <p>Let publicists who speak of Mr. <font class="sc">George</font>, without the <font class="sc">Lloyd</font>,</p> + <p>Confound him with quotations from the works of <font class="sc">Jung</font> and <font class="sc">Freud</font>—</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>But I, were I a despot, quite benevolent, of course,</p> + <p>Armed with the last developments of high-explosive force,</p> + <p>I'd build a bigger "Bertha," and discharge it in the void</p> + <p>Crammed with the novelists who brood on Messrs. <font class="sc">Jung</font> and <font class="sc">Freud</font>.</p> + </div> + </div> + +<hr /> + +<span class="pagenum"><a name="page197" id="page197"></a>[pg 197]</span> + + <div class="figcenter" style="width:100%;"> + <a href="images/187.png"><img width="100%" src="images/187.png" + alt="" /></a> + <p>"<font class="sc">I s'pose I mustn't go in the garden while you're + resting, Mummy?</font>"</p> + + <p>"<font class="sc">No, dear—it's too damp.</font>"</p> + + <p>"<font class="sc">If I <i>did</i> go in the garden while you're + resting, mummy, would you punish me or reason with me?</font>"</p> + </div> +<hr /> + +<h3>OPERATICS.</h3> + + <p>It has been suggested before now that Opera might be improved if the + singing were done behind the scenes and the performance on the stage were + carried out in dumb show by competent actors who looked their parts. But + the idea that the movements on the stage would correspond with the + utterances off it is not encouraged by the present lack of collusion + between singers and orchestra—I refer to cases where a performer is + required to simulate music on a dummy instrument.</p> + + <p>This reflection was forced upon me at a recent performance of + <i>Tannhäuser</i>. It is true that Miss <font class="sc">Lillian + Stanford</font> as the <i>Shepherd</i> fingered her pipe in precise + accord with the gentleman who played the music for her. But Mr. <font + class="sc">Mullings</font>, as <i>Tannhäuser</i>, took the greatest + liberties with his harp. He just slapped it whenever he liked, without + any regard to the motions of his collaborator. As for Mr. <font + class="sc">Michael</font>, who played <i>Wolfram</i>, he was content to + fill in the vocal pauses with a little suitable strumming; but when he + sang he was so distracted by his own voice that he left his harp to play + the accompaniment without visible assistance from his hand.</p> + + <p>For the fine performance which Mr. <font class="sc">Albert + Coates</font> conducted I have no word but of praise, except that I could + have wished that Miss <font class="sc">Elsa Stralia</font> had borne a + closer resemblance to what is expected of <i>Elisabeth</i>. She seemed to + want to look as much as possible like <i>Venus</i>, whose very opposite + she should have been in type as in nature. Her colouring upset the whole + scheme of contrast, and one never began to believe in the sincerity of + her spiritual ideals or that her death from a broken heart was anything + but an affectation.</p> + +<p class="author">O.S.</p> + +<hr /> + +<h3>A LEONINE REVIVAL.</h3> + + <p>Amongst the dead lions of the past, some of us have prematurely + reckoned those of Peterborough Court. <font class="sc">Matt. + Arnold</font> was supposed to have administered, if not the <i>coup de + grâce</i>, at any rate a serious blow to their gambollings in + <i>Friendship's Garland</i>.</p> + + <p>It is therefore a matter for unfeigned rejoicing to find that they are + not only alive but rampant, with all their old splendid command of + polysyllabic periphrasis. One need only turn to the notice of "The John + Exhibition" in last Thursday's <i>Daily Telegraph</i>, from which we + select the following page:—</p> + + <p>"It [the exhibition] is a display of purposeful portraiture that helps + one to realise the effect which Theotokopoulos produced upon his watchful + contemporaries, and to understand why the Cretan continued to walk alone + on his way. If some insist on finding modern El Greco versions of + Inspectors and Inquisitors-general in this John gathering, compounded of + comparatively innocuous personalities, the privilege is, of course, + permissible, and incidentally brightens conversation in irresponsible + circles."</p> + + <p>But a higher level of full-throated <i>bravura</i> is attained later + on:—</p> + + <p>"If reiteration may also be the mark of the best portraiture, + <i>pace</i> Lord Fisher, commendation should be given to Mr. John for + continuing to visualize the great seaman as Jupiter Tonans flashing in + gold lace."</p> + + <p>How delightful it is, after the arid methods of the modern critics, + bred up on <font class="sc">Benedetto Croce</font>, to hear the old + authentic leonine ecstasy of <font class="sc">Sala</font>, "monarch of + the florid quill!" Mr. Punch, once hailed by the <i>D.T.</i> as "the + Democritus of Fleet Street," on the strength of his "memorable + monosyllabic monition," in turn salutes the immortal protagonist of the + purple polysyllable.</p> + +<hr /> + +<span class="pagenum"><a name="page198" id="page198"></a>[pg 198]</span> + +<h3>WITCHCRAFT.</h3> + +<p class="center">(<i>A Mediæval Tragedy.</i>)</p> + + <p>"I want," said the maiden, glancing round her with tremulous distaste + at the stuffed crocodile, the black cat and the cauldron simmering on the + hearth, "to see some of your complexion specialities."</p> + + <p>"You want nothing of the kind," retorted the witch. "Why prevaricate? + A maid with your colour hath small need even of my triple extract of + toads' livers. What you have really come for is either a + love-potion—" she paused and glanced keenly at her + visitor—"or the means to avenge love unrequited."</p> + + <p>The maiden had flushed crimson. "I wish he were dead!" she + whispered.</p> + + <p>"Now you are talking. That wish is, of course, the simplest thing in + the world to gratify, if only you are prepared to pay for it. I presume + Moddam would not desire anything too easy?"</p> + + <p>"He had promised,", broke out the maiden uncontrollably, "to take me + to the charity bear-baiting matinée in aid of unemployed ex-Crusaders. + The whole thing was arranged. And then at the last moment—"</p> + + <p>"Precisely as I had supposed. A case for one of our superior wax + images, made to model, with pins complete. Melted before a slow fire + ensures the gradual wasting of the original with pangs corresponding to + the insertion of each pin."</p> + + <p>The customer's fine eyes gleamed. "Give me one."</p> + + <p>"I will sell you one," corrected the witch. "But I should warn you. + They are not cheap."</p> + + <p>"No matter."</p> + + <p>"Good. I was about to observe that since our sovereign liege <font + class="sc">King Richard</font> granted peace to the Saracen the cost both + of material and labour hath so parlously risen that I am unable to supply + a really reliable article under fifty golden angels."</p> + + <p>"I have them here."</p> + + <p>"With special pins, of course, extra."</p> + + <p>"Take what you will." The maiden flung down a leathern wallet that + chinked pleasingly. The witch, having transferred the contents of this to + her own pocket, proceeded to fashion the required charm, watched by her + client with half-repelled eagerness.</p> + + <p>"Hawk's eye, falcon's nose, raven's lock, peacock's clothes," chanted + the crone, following the words with her cunning fingers.</p> + + <p>"How—how know you him?" Panic was in the voice.</p> + + <p>The other laughed unpleasantly. "Doth not the whole district know the + Lord Œil-de-Veau by reputation?" She held out the image. "Handle him + carefully and use a fresh pin for each record."</p> + + <p>The maid snatched it from her hands and was turning towards the door + of the hut when a low tap on its outer surface caused her to shrink back + alarmed. The witch had again been watching her with an ambiguous smile. + "Should Moddam wish to avoid observation," she suggested, "the side exit + behind yonder curtain—" In an instant she was alone. Flinging the + empty wallet into the darkest corner the witch (not without sundry + chuckles) slowly unbarred the entrance.</p> + + <p>On the threshold stood a slim female figure enveloped in a cloak. "The + love potion I had here last week," began a timid voice, "seems hardly + satisfactory. If you stock a stronger quality, no matter how + expensive—"</p> + + <p>"Step inside," said the witch.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + + <p>Some couple of months later the ladies of the house-party assembled at + Sangazure Castle for the Victory jousts were gathered in the great hall, + exchanging gossip and serf-stories in the firelight while awaiting the + return of their menkind.</p> + + <p>"Hath any heard," lisped one fair young thing, "how fareth the Lord + Œil-de-Veau? They tell me that some mysterious ailment hath him in + thrall."</p> + + <p>At the words the Lady Yolande Sangazure (whom we have met before) was + aware of a crimson flood mounting swiftly to her exquisite temples. + Strange to add, the same phenomenon might have been observed in a score + of damosels belonging to the best families in the district. The hall + seemed suffused in a ruddy glow that was certainly not reflected from the + exiguous pile of post-Crusading fuel smouldering on the great hearth.</p> + + <p>"Tush!" broke in the cracked voice of a withered old dame, "your news + is old. Not only hath the so-called fever vanished but my lord himself + hath followed it."</p> + + <p>"Gone!" The cry was echoed by twenty voices; twenty embroidery-frames + fell from forty arrested hands, while nine-and-thirty dismayed eyes fixed + themselves upon the maliciously-amused countenance of the speaker. Only + one, belonging to the Lady Beauregarde, who squinted slightly, remained + as though unmoved by the general commotion.</p> + + <p>"Moreover," continued the old dame, "report saith that with him went + his leman, who, having some art in necromancy, transformed her beauty to + the semblance of a witch and provided her own dowry by the sale, to + certain addle-pated wenches, of charms for which her lover himself + prepared the market."</p> + + <p>"But—his fever?" an impetuous voice broke in.</p> + + <p>"Cozening, no doubt. Of course the tale may be but idle babble; still, + if true, one would admit that such credulous fools got no more than they + deserved."</p> + + <p>She ceased, well satisfied. "I fancy," observed the Lady Yolande + coldly, "that I hear our lords returning." And in the eloquent silence a + score of fair young minds slowly assimilated the profound truth (as fresh + to-day as eight hundred years ago) that Satan finds some mischief still + for the impecunious demobilised.</p> + +<hr /> + +<h3>TO JESSIE</h3> + + <blockquote> + <p>(<i>"one of the Zoo's most popular elephants," now deceased</i>).</p> + + </blockquote> + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Jessie of the melting eye,</p> + <p class="i2">Wreathed trunk and horny tegum-</p> + <p>Ent, whom I have joyed to ply</p> + <p>With the fugitive mince-pie</p> + <p class="i2">And the seasonable legume,</p> + <p>Youth has left me; fortune too</p> + <p class="i2">Flounts my efforts to annex it;</p> + <p>Still, I occupy the view,</p> + <p>Bored but loath to leave, while you</p> + <p class="i2">Make the inevitable exit.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Ne'er again for blissful rides</p> + <p class="i2">Shall our shouting offspring clamber</p> + <p>Up your broad and beetling sides;</p> + <p>Ne'er again, when eventide's</p> + <p class="i2">Coming turns the skies to amber</p> + <p>And the fluting blackbirds call,</p> + <p class="i2">Poised above a bale of fodder</p> + <p>In your well-appointed stall</p> + <p>Will you muse upon it all,</p> + <p class="i2">Patient introspective plodder.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Once, an anxious mother's care,</p> + <p class="i2">Day by day you roamed the jungle,</p> + <p>Felt the sunshine, sniffed the air;</p> + <p>Life, methinks, was passing fair;</p> + <p class="i2">But of that no mortal tongue'll</p> + <p>Tell. Perhaps you never thought</p> + <p class="i2">If it bored you or enraptured</p> + <p>Till the wily hunter caught</p> + <p>You and all your friends and brought</p> + <p class="i2">Home to England, bound and captured.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Jessie, fairest of your race,</p> + <p class="i2">Now you're gone and few will miss you;</p> + <p>There will come to take your place</p> + <p>Creatures less replete with grace;</p> + <p class="i2">Elephants of grosser tissue</p> + <p>Will intrigue the public sight;</p> + <p class="i2">That, old girl, 's the common attitude.</p> + <p>Still, these few poor lines I write</p> + <p>May preserve your memory bright,</p> + <p class="i2">Since the pen is dipped in gratitude.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p class="i16"><font class="sc">Algol.</font></p> + </div> + </div> + +<hr /> + +<span class="pagenum"><a name="page199" id="page199"></a>[pg 199]</span> + + <div class="figcenter" style="width:100%;"> + <a href="images/189.png"><img width="100%" src="images/189.png" + alt="" /></a> + <h3>MORE ADVENTURES OF A POST-WAR SPORTSMAN.</h3> + + <p><i>P.-W.S.</i> (<i>having struggled over many ploughed fields</i>). + "<font class="sc">Now then, my lad, fetch 'im over 'ere and I'll give + you a tanner.</font>"</p> + + <p><i>Bucolic Profiteer.</i> "<font class="sc">Noa, ye doan't! Give oi + ten bob or oi lets he go again.</font>"</p> + </div> +<hr /> + +<h2>OUR BOOKING-OFFICE.</h2> + +<p class="center">(<i>By Mr. Punch's Staff of Learned Clerks.</i>)</p> + + <p>We are apt to think of Lord <font class="sc">Northcliffe</font> as the + "onlie begetter" of the New Journalism. But here comes Mr. <font + class="sc">Kennedy Jones</font>, M.P., to remind us, in <i>Fleet Street + and Downing Street</i> (<font class="sc">Hutchinson</font>), that he too + had a very large share in its parentage. And up to a point he is a proud + father. Circulations reckoned in millions instead of thousands, + journalistic salaries raised from hundreds to thousands, + advertisement-revenues multiplied many-fold—these are some of the + outward signs of the success of a policy which the author summarised when + he told Lord <font class="sc">Morley</font>, "You left journalism as a + profession; we have made it a branch of commerce." But there is another + side to the medal. <i>Frankenstein's</i> monster was perfect in + everything save that it lacked a soul. In all material things the New + Journalism is a long way ahead of the Old; and yet, after chronicling its + many triumphs—culminating in the capture of <i>The + Times</i>—its part-creator is fain to admit that "public distrust + of news is the most notable feature in journalism of recent years," and + that the influence of the daily Press on the public mind has hardly ever + been at a lower ebb. This frankness is characteristic of a book which on + nearly every page contains something to startle or amuse. The author's + experiences on his first day in London, including an encounter with a + sausage-seller (more friendly than <font class="sc">Cleon's</font> + rival); his negotiations for the purchase of <i>The Times</i>, and his + offer of the editorship to Lord <font class="sc">Curzon</font>, who + unfortunately refused it; the <i>provenance</i> of "The Pekin Massacre," + which originated, it appears, not with a "stunt" journalist, but with a + Chinese statesman wishing to pull the Occidental leg—these and many + other incidents are admirably described by a writer who, though he long + ago doffed his journalistic harness, has not forgotten how to write up a + "good story." Be your opinion of the New Journalism what it may I + guarantee that you will find its champion an agreeable companion.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + + <p>There are parts of Mr. <font class="sc">W.J. Locke's</font> latest + novel, <i>The House of Baltazar</i> (<font class="sc">Lane</font>), which + will, I fear, make almost prohibitive demands upon the faith (considered + as belief in the incredible) of his vast following. To begin with, he + introduces us to that problematical personage, whose possibility used to + be so much debated, the Man Who Didn't Know There Was A War On. <i>John + Baltazar</i> had preserved this unique ignorance, first by bolting from a + Cambridge professorship through amorous complications, next by living + many years in the Far East, and finally by settling upon a remote + moorland farm (locality unspecified) with a taciturn Chinaman and an + Airedale for his only companions. This and other contributory + circumstances, for which I lack space, just enabled me to admit the + situation as possible. Naturally, therefore, when a befogged Zeppelin + laid a couple of bombs plonk into the homestead, the ex-professor + experienced a mental as well as a bodily <span class="pagenum"><a + name="page200" id="page200"></a>[pg 200]</span> shake-up. I had no + complaint either with the transformation that developed <i>John + Baltazar</i> from the only outsider to apparently the big boss of the + War; while the scenes between him and the son of whose existence he had + been unaware (a situation not precisely new to fiction) are presented + with a sincere and moving simplicity. So far so good, even if hardly + equal to the author's best. But the catastrophe and the melodramatics + about War-Office secrets, preposterously put on paper, and still more + preposterously preserved, simply knocked the wind of reality out of the + whole affair. A pity, since Mr. <font class="sc">Locke</font> (though I + prefer him in more fantastic vein) has clearly spent much care upon a + tale that, till its final plunge, is at least lively and + entertaining.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + + <p>The amateur of lace, whether as expert or owner, will be pleasantly + stirred by learning that another book has been added to the already large + bibliography of a fascinating subject in <i>The Romance of the Lace + Pillow</i> (<font class="sc">H.H. Armstrong</font>), published at Olney + from the pen of Mr. <font class="sc">Thomas Wright</font>. Olney, of + course, has two claims on our regard—<font class="sc">Cowper</font> + and Lace, and it is now evident that Mr. <font class="sc">Wright</font> + has kept as attentive an eye on the one as on the other. His book makes + no pretence to be more than a brief and frankly popular survey of the art + of lace-making chiefly in Northamptonshire and Bucks, and to it he has + brought a wealth of various information (which the average reader must + take on trust) and an enthusiasm that can be judged by his opening + statement that "lace ... is the expression of the most rapturous moments + of whole dynasties of men of genius." So now you know. Even those of us + who regard it with a calmer pulse can take pleasure in the many excellent + photographs of lace-work of different periods and schools that adorn Mr. + <font class="sc">Wright's</font> volume. As for the letter-press, though + I will not call the writer's style wholly equal to his zeal, his chapters + are full of interesting gossip, ranging from the late <font + class="sc">Katherine of Aragon</font> (the originator, according to one + theory, of English lace-making), to some jolly stuff on the literature of + Bobbins and the old Tells, or working-songs, sung by "the spinners and + the knitters in the sun, and the free maids that weave their threads with + bones." I have a fancy that the whole volume has been more or less a + labour of love (never certainly did I meet an author with such a list of + helpers to thank), so I am glad to think that its reward in one sense is + already assured.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + + <p>In <i>The Fairy Man</i> (<font class="sc">Dent</font>), a most + engrossing phantasy, Mr. <font class="sc">L. Cope Cornford</font> takes + for raw material a family of Maida Vale, victims of all those petty, + sordid, but deadly troubles known only to the middle class. Without + warrant, explanation, or excuse he introduces into their routine a sudden + touch of magic; the tired City man, the acid foster-mother, the children + (mercifully devoid of any priggishness), and the pre-eminently human + housemaid and cook are transplanted for a moment into the age of the + knights-errant. Thither also are transplanted their special friends and + enemies, all retaining their modern identities and their current + troubles, and all getting unpleasantly involved in the troubles of the + ancients, to boot. Eventually the interlude is found to have provided the + solution of the difficulties, pecuniary and other, of the home in Maida + Vale; and I will say no more than that a very telling story ends well and + naturally. No reader should imagine he has read all this before; the + admixture of fairy imagination with the intensely practical things of + life is something new, and there is a definite purpose in it all. The + book may be labelled intellectual, but the characters always remain very + human; thus <i>George</i>, finding himself back in the times of a + thousand years ago, says critically, "It looks old, but it feels just the + same;" and his father, seeing him engaged in an assault on the castle, + shouts, "George! put that sword down instantly." Mr. <font + class="sc">Cornford</font> makes his points with such discretion and + understanding that even the most solid materialist must, after reading, + feel a little less sure of himself.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + + <p>I rather think that if I had the opportunity of discussing with <font + class="sc">Elinor Mordaunt</font> her <i>Old Wine in New Bottles</i> + (<font class="sc">Hutchinson</font>) and had the courage to say what was + in my mind: "Don't you think perhaps that your vigorous and unexpected + characters are out of story-land rather than out of life?" and if she + riposted, "But is it necessary they should be like life if they are + life-like?" I should be left with no more effective retort than "Quite," + or something just as futile. For there's no doubt that these queer + villains, Chinese dealers, bold sailormen, travellers, rapt lovers, do + get over the footlights in an effective way. They do the things that are + only done in magazines, but they do them with a gusto which engages the + attention. Perhaps indeed that's what the author meant by her ingenious + title; though I suppose her device of setting before each story a longer + or shorter, more or less relevant, passage from the Old Testament gives a + clearer clue to the precise way in which she interprets "nothing new + under the sun." I cheerfully prescribe of this old wine one or two + bottles at bedtime. Better not, I think, the whole case at a sitting.</p> + +<hr /> + + <div class="figcenter" style="width:50%;"> + <a href="images/190.png"><img width="100%" src="images/190.png" + alt="" /></a> + <p><i>Tramp.</i> "<font class="sc">Yes, Mum, I'm an old soldier; fought + in the—</font>"</p> + + <p><i>Mrs. Tommy Atkins.</i> "<font class="sc">D'you still remember the + Army training?</font>"</p> + + <p><i>Tramp.</i> "<font class="sc">That I do, Mum. Haven't forgotten a + single word o' command</font>."</p> + + <p><i>Mrs. T.A.</i> "<font class="sc">Then, About—turn! + Quick—march!</font>"</p> + </div> + + + + + + + +<pre> + + + + + +End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. +158, March 10th, 1920, by Various + +*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH, OR THE LONDON *** + +***** This file should be named 16364-h.htm or 16364-h.zip ***** +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: + https://www.gutenberg.org/1/6/3/6/16364/ + +Produced by Jonathan Ingram, Keith Edkins and the Online +Distributed Proofreading Team at https://www.pgdp.net + + +Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions +will be renamed. + +Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no +one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation +(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without +permission and without paying copyright royalties. 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