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+The Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 158,
+March 10th, 1920, by Various
+
+This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with
+almost no restrictions whatsoever.  You may copy it, give it away or
+re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included
+with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org
+
+
+Title: Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 158, March 10th, 1920
+
+Author: Various
+
+Release Date: July 27, 2005 [EBook #16364]
+
+Language: English
+
+Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1
+
+*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH, OR THE LONDON ***
+
+
+
+
+Produced by Jonathan Ingram, Keith Edkins and the Online
+Distributed Proofreading Team at https://www.pgdp.net
+
+
+
+
+
+PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
+
+VOL. 158.
+
+
+
+March 10th, 1920.
+
+
+
+
+CHARIVARIA.
+
+There are one hundred thousand more people living in London than in New
+York. But they are only just living.
+
+* * *
+
+"The Home Rule Bill," says _The Irish Unionist Alliance_, "would, if put
+into operation, cause friction in Ireland." We are sorry to hear this, for
+friction is the last thing we want to see in Ireland.
+
+* * *
+
+M. GRABSKI, who has just asked for the loan of three thousand million
+francs, is the Polish Minister of Finance. Yet people say there is nothing
+in a name.
+
+* * *
+
+A Welsh Prohibition Bill is suggested. We think it should be pointed out
+that the Welsh language is natural and not due to over-indulgence.
+
+* * *
+
+DEMPSEY, the American Boxer, is to be charged with "draft-dodging." The
+other charge of COCHRAN-dodging will not be proceeded with.
+
+* * *
+
+Gold in the mouth, says the American Academy of Dental Science, is out of
+date. Much the same applies to gold in the pocket.
+
+* * *
+
+We understand that an American syndicate has been formed for the purpose of
+acquiring the sole rights in a suit of clothes by a London tailor.
+
+* * *
+
+American whisky is said to create in consumers a desire to climb trees.
+British whisky, on the other hand, seems to create in the Americans a
+desire to cross the Atlantic.
+
+* * *
+
+With reference to the road-mender who fell down last week and injured
+himself an explanation has now been given. It appears that the colleague
+next to him must have moved.
+
+* * *
+
+No fewer than twenty-seven poems on Spring have been received by one weekly
+paper editor. Yet there are people who still maintain that the crime wave
+is on the wane.
+
+* * *
+
+"The Irish swear by two staple beverages," says _The Daily Mail_. We feel,
+however, that an Irishman who was really trying could swear by more than
+this.
+
+* * *
+
+We understand that the Foreign Office takes a serious view of the large
+number of public-houses which have been burgled during the last few weeks.
+It is feared that it may be the work of a foreign spy who is endeavouring
+to secure the recipe of British Government ale.
+
+* * *
+
+"A large number of army tanks have been sent to Africa," announces an
+article in a daily paper. However, as the brontosaurus is supposed to
+devour four of these delicacies at every meal, it is feared that unless a
+great many more are sent out immediately this dainty animal may be faced
+with extermination.
+
+* * *
+
+A morning paper announces that all airships of "R 34" type are now
+obsolete. We have decided to stick a pin in each of ours.
+
+* * *
+
+From Ireland comes the pleasing news that the wife of a well-known Sinn
+Feiner has just presented her husband with a little bomberette.
+
+* * *
+
+Since the publication of Professor KEITH'S statistics of efficiency,
+showing the superiority of the physical condition of miners over that of
+almost every other class of worker, the argument, so popular with the
+advocates of nationalisation, that a miner's occupation is a most unhealthy
+one, has been given a rest.
+
+* * *
+
+"I doubt if even the youngest child to-day will live to see the real fruits
+of the War," said the Bishop of Lincoln last week. Another unmerited slight
+on the O.B.E.
+
+* * *
+
+"Visitors to the Zoo," says _The Daily Mail_, "should not miss the rare
+spectacle of the highest five animals under one roof--the gorilla, the
+chimpanzee, the orang-outang, the gibbon and man." Naturally everybody is
+asking, "Who is the lucky man?"
+
+* * *
+
+A merciless campaign against rats is to be waged by the inhabitants of a
+large Yorkshire town. This is supposed to be the outcome of the continued
+indifference with which these rodents have treated the many propaganda
+campaigns which the town has organised.
+
+* * *
+
+Liverpool City Council is to consider the appointment of women park-
+keepers. In support it is urged that when it comes to persuading a paper
+bag to go along quietly the superior tact of a woman is bound to tell.
+
+* * *
+
+Arrangements for the continuation of the Food Ministry, it is stated, are
+still incomplete. It would be a thousand pities if a mere abundance of food
+should lead to the disappearance of this valuable department.
+
+* * *
+
+"Will the gentlemen on the Allied Surrender List," says the _Berlin
+Official Gazette_, "inform the German authorities of their address?" This
+is a typical piece of Teutonic duplicity. There are, of course, no
+gentlemen on the List.
+
+* * *
+
+The chiffchaff has been heard in Hampshire and a couple of road-peckers
+were observed last week hovering in the neighbourhood of Wellington Street.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Holiday-maker_ (_in difficulties._) "OH, DASH IT! THERE
+GOES THAT LETTER MY WIFE GAVE ME TO POST A WEEK AGO."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+ANOTHER IMPENDING APOLOGY.
+
+    "Principal ---- said there was a historical connection between the
+    Royal Asylum for the Insane and the University of Edinburgh."--_Scots
+    Paper._
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "The British rule in India is as savage as that of the Turk in
+    Armenia."--_Washington Times._
+
+Not the "_George_ Washington Times," you'll note.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+MEN AND THINGS OF THE MOMENT.
+
+    [Mr. Punch cannot hold himself responsible for the views expressed in
+    the following correspondence.]
+
+THE MALLABY-DEELEY EMPORIUM.
+
+DEAR MR. PUNCH,--I want you to use your influence with that great
+philanthropist, Mr. MALLABY-DEELEY. I know that he is too modest to claim
+to be a benefactor of the race, but I am at least right in calling him
+"Mr.," for that is how he describes himself on his shop-window, and he
+would never have done that if he had not desired to avoid confusion with
+the common tradesman. Well, I want you to enlist his powerful sympathy in
+the cause of the struggling middle classes, to which body I belong. I refer
+particularly to our crying need for dinner-jackets at reasonable prices. I
+am one of those who spend their holidays at seaside hotels, where people
+make a point of dressing for dinner in the hope of giving their fellow-
+guests the impression that this is their daily habit in the home circle. In
+view of the early advent of Spring I approached my tailor, the other day,
+with inquiries as to the cost of an abbreviated dinner-suit. His prices
+were as follows:--jacket £10 10s. 0d.; waistcoat £3 3s. 0d.; trousers £4
+10s. 0d.; total £18 3s. 0d. I am old enough to recall the time when the
+most _élite_ tailors of Savile Row charged no more than £10 10s. 0d. for a
+complete evening costume, uncurtailed.
+
+I am all for the cheap supply of "gentlemen's lounge-suits" for the
+so-called working-classes to lounge in. I know of no surer antidote to the
+spirit of Bolshevism. But let us not forget the claims of the middle
+classes, who are the backbone of the Empire. If Mr. MALLABY-DEELEY cannot
+help us in the direction I have indicated, then let Mr. KENNEDY JONES, on
+behalf of the Middle Class Union, put a hyphen to his name and open a shop
+for the sale of evening wear at demi-popular prices.
+
+  Yours faithfully,
+  SURBITONIAN.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+DEAR MR. PUNCH,--It would be a thousand pities if Mr. MALLABY-DEELEY'S
+beneficent scheme should fail for lack of advertisement. Could you not
+persuade your colleagues of the Press to publish from day to day the route
+of his car's progress from his private residence (or the terminus from
+which he debouches) to his place of business, as in the case of the new
+Member for Paisley? My only fear is that the Coalition Government might be
+suspected of adopting the Wee Free methods of publicity for political ends;
+but this would surely be an unworthy suspicion in the case of a movement
+designed for the benefit not of a party, but of mankind.
+
+  Yours faithfully,
+  STAGE MANAGER.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE DECLINE OF LEARNING.
+
+DEAR SIR,--I look for your sympathy when I say that I regard the abolition
+of compulsory Greek at Oxford as tantamount to the collapse of the last
+bulwark of British Culture. It is idle for the advocates of this act of
+vandalism to protest that the spirit of Ancient Hellas can be adequately
+conveyed in the form of translations, and to illustrate this futile
+argument by reference to the authorised version of the Hebrew Scriptures.
+Admirable as that version may be, is it for a moment to be supposed that it
+can take the place of the original as a source of spiritual education? or
+that our appreciation of Holy Writ would not be a hundred-fold increased if
+it were fortified by a knowledge of the first principles of Hebraic syntax
+and by an elementary acquaintance with Hebraic composition. It is
+impossible to estimate the influence of such knowledge in tending to endear
+the Bible to our youth. To me indeed it has always been incomprehensible
+that our Prelates, who presumably have the welfare of the Church at heart,
+have never insisted on making Hebrew a compulsory subject for Responsions.
+
+And now Greek has gone and Oxford is the home of one more lost cause. The
+gods (of the gallery) may be with the winners, but it is the losing side
+that still appeals to
+
+  Yours incorruptibly,
+  CATO.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+"_THE TIMES'_ FLIGHT."
+
+DEAR MR. PUNCH,--His many friends (among whom I take leave to count myself)
+will heartily sympathise with Dr. CHALMERS MITCHELL on the engine troubles
+he has passed through, culminating in the enforced curtailment of his
+scientific expedition. It is gratifying to think that the pure and lofty
+spirit of research which animated the great newspaper-proprietor who sent
+him forth on this mission has been vindicated by the Doctor's discovery of
+an unmapped volcano. Regrettably the conditions under which he observed it
+precluded him from making an expert survey of it, and even from securing
+specimens of its geological structure. The possibility of such an
+unfortunate contingency, which may have escaped the consideration of the
+promoter of the expedition, was recognised by other scientists. But it was
+confidently expected by his Zoological _confrères_ that his voyage of
+exploration would add largely to our knowledge of the habits and customs of
+the fauna of Africa, and notably of the giraffe, as coming, by the
+exceptional development of its neck, within closest range of his vision as
+he flew through the vast inane.
+
+Even better opportunities for the observation of animal life would, it was
+thought, occur during the occasional intervals spent on _terra firma_ for
+purposes of repose or repair. And indeed one is greatly intrigued by the
+following terse and airmanlike entry in the log for February 20th: "Much
+disturbed by lions." Nothing is said of the actual capture of one of these
+interesting denizens of the jungle, but reference to such a feat might well
+have been omitted out of regard for brevity. Is it too much to hope that
+the enterprise of _The Times_ may yet be rewarded by the addition of a live
+lion to the Zoological Gardens?
+
+In any case, by the exceptional opportunities he enjoyed for a careful
+study of leaking cylinder jackets, insulating tape, red-leaded joints and
+missing engines the intrepid Doctor must have added largely to his
+knowledge of mechanical science, to say nothing of the botanical
+discoveries he made when his machine came within a few inches of contact
+with a banana-tree.
+
+I, for one, look forward eagerly to his return, when he will be able to
+narrate his experience with a fulness and freedom of language impossible in
+cabled despatches.
+
+  Yours faithfully,
+  STANLEY LIVINGSTONE JONES.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A "MALADE IMAGINAIRE"?
+
+    "Bath-chair wanted, small lady good condition."--_Ladies' Paper._
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A CHOICE OF SINECURES.
+
+    "LADY-NURSE-HELP; three girls (12, 10, eight); two maids kept; month's
+    holiday (fortnightly); salary £40."--_Daily Paper._
+
+    "WANTED, a Housemaid, wages 27s. 6d., no duties."--_New Zealand Paper._
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "Lady would like to Join jolly Family for Dinner every night."--_Advt.
+    in Daily Paper._
+
+Yes, but how long would they remain jolly?
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "Windsor Castle Niggers, from His Majesty's Chapel Royal, gave an
+    excellent programme."--_Local Paper._
+
+The programme merely announced them as "Windsor Castle Singers," but this
+no doubt was to give the audience a greater surprise.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "The revival of the Hunt Ball, and the intelligence that the Race Ball
+    is also to be re-introduced next month, has restored the ---- dance
+    season to its pre-war brilliance. The Hunt event passed off with
+    _éclair_."--_Local Paper._
+
+Supper seems to have been all right, anyhow.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: A CONVERTED SPIRIT.
+
+GENIUS OF ALCOHOL. "AND TO THINK THAT I WAS ONCE REGARDED AS AN IMPEDIMENT
+TO LOCOMOTION!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Mayfair Copper._ "NOW THEN, GET A MOVE ON, TARZAN. THIS
+AIN'T A MONKEY NEIGHBOURHOOD."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+WON ON THE POSTS.
+
+(_With the British Army in France._)
+
+The decisive victory of the Racing Club de Petiteville--late the _deuxième
+équipage_ of the Sportif Club de Petiteville--over the _troisième équipage_
+of the Société Athlétique de Pont Neuf would not appear to have any bearing
+on the washing of Percival's collars and pyjamas; but, according to Elfred
+Fry, there was a poignant connection between the two.
+
+When the Sportif Club received the challenge they doubted whether to accept
+it, as the Société Athlétique was rumoured to include several veterans
+approaching fifteen years of age and of tremendous physique. On being
+conceded the choice of ground, however, they took up the gage and trained
+and practised with such vigour that two days before the date of the match
+Georges Darré, right back, punted his toe through a previously suspected
+weak spot in the ball and irreparably ruined it. The Société Athlétique was
+informed of the disaster and asked to supply a ball, but they answered that
+no known authority or precedent existed for visiting teams providing the
+accessories. There was also an insinuation that the story of the burst ball
+was a fabrication, designed to give the Sportif Club a loophole of escape
+from a contest that spelt certain defeat.
+
+Stung to the quick, the _deuxième équipage_ made an urgent appeal to the
+_premier équipage_ of the Sportif Club, who replied that this was the first
+intimation they had had of the existence of a _deuxième équipage_, and
+recommended a tourney at marbles or a combat of peg-tops as being more
+suitable to their tender years.
+
+Naturally this insult could not be brooked, and it was decided to break
+away from the parent body and reorganise under the title of the Racing Club
+de Petiteville; but this did not help them to solve the question of a new
+ball. Then it was that Théo Navet, left half, and son of the
+_blanchisseuse_ in the rue Napoléon, had an inspiration, and Percival's
+pyjamas became linked up with the destinies of the club.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+"It wouldn't surprise me, Sir," said Elfred on the evening when Petiteville
+was ringing with the news of the Racing Club's victory by 4 _buts_ to 2,
+"if you are the only officer in Mess to-night with a reelly clean collar."
+
+"And why am I singled out for so much honour?" asked Percival, taking the
+slacks which Elfred produced from between the mattresses. "Has the
+Washer-women's Union handed in notices and made a complimentary exception
+in my case?"
+
+"Well, Sir, you _'ave_ been favoured, but it weren't a strike," explained
+Elfred. "You know, Sir, there's been an alarming short ration of coal an'
+fuel down in the village for a long time, an' two days ago Madame Navet,
+who does the orficers' washing, came up an' said she was bokoo fashay but
+the washing was napood for the week, becos she couldn't buy, beg, borrer
+nor steal enough fuel to keep her copper biling.... Do we wear the yaller
+boots to-night, Sir, or the _very_ yaller ones?"
+
+"The light pair," said Percival, "to give tone to the clean collar. But go
+on."
+
+"Well, I put it to Madame as my orficer was a very partickler gent, an'
+she'd gotter do our washing even if she 'ad to light 'er fire with the
+family dresser. She said she was desolated; she 'adn't sufficient coal to
+take the chill off a mouchoir. I thought of trying to borrer a sack for 'er
+from the quarter bloke, but our relations 'ave never been the same since
+the time I took my weekly ration of 'Pink Princesses' back an' arsked 'im
+to change 'em for cigarettes with a bit o' tobacco in.
+
+"After she'd gone I took a kit inventory 'an found we was down to our last
+clean collar, an' we looked like bein' a bit grubby in the matter of
+pyjamas. I went a walk to the canteen to think it over, an' on my way
+Madame's lad came up an' said 'is team 'ad an important match for two days
+later an' could I possibly oblige 'em with a football. Being a sportsman--I
+take a franc chance in the camp football sweep every week--I said I'd try
+what I could do, knowin' of a ball which me an' the other batmen punt about
+in our rare hintervals of leisure. But then the thought of that washing
+that wasn't washed came into my mind.
+
+"'See 'ere, Meredith,' I says. 'Je voo donneray a ball si votre mère does
+our washing toot sweet.'"
+
+"'E looked blue at this an' said they couldn't get fuel nohow.
+
+"'Compree scrounge?' says I.
+
+"It seems 'e did. It seems scrounging for fuel 'ad reached such a pitch in
+the village that people took their backyard fences in at night, 'an they
+'ad posted a policeman on the station to prevent 'em sawing away the
+waiting-room. But our washing 'ad to be done, 'an I thought if I got the
+whole of this football team scrounging they might find something as
+everyone else 'ad overlooked. So I pretended to be indifferink.
+
+"'Very well,' says I. 'San fairy ann. Napoo washing--napoo ball.'
+
+"That set 'em to work. Next day little boys were scraping the village over
+like fowls in a farmyard, getting a chip 'ere an' a shaving there, an'
+making themselves such a nuisance that there was talk of calling the
+gendarmerie out. They would 'ave done, too, only he'd laid down for a nap
+an' left strict orders 'e wasn't to be disturbed. Then they slipped into
+the Camp, trying to lay nefarious 'ands on empty ration boxes, but the Camp
+police spotted 'em an' chivied them off. I never seen our police so
+exhausted as they were at the end of that day.
+
+"'I can't think what's taken the little varmints,' said the Provost-
+Sergeant. 'It ain't the Fifth of November.'
+
+"On the whole it wasn't a good day's 'unting, but this morning I was waited
+on by a deputation wearing striped jerseys, which they appeared to 'ave put
+on at early dawn. They said the fire was lit under the copper, 'an could
+they 'ave the ball?
+
+"'Doucemong!' says I. 'Allay along, an' let's see the fire first.'
+
+"Yes, it were lit, but only just. The water was lukewarm an' the fuel 'ad
+nearly all burned away, an' Madame was standing looking at it hopelessly.
+
+"'Pas bong,' says I to the lads. 'Pas assay chaud. Voo scroungerez
+ongcore.'
+
+"They was frantic, becos it was nearly match time. I felt inclined to give
+'em the ball, but the thought of you, Sir, in a dirty collar--"
+
+"You may keep the pair of old riding-breeches you borrowed without
+permission," interrupted Percy.
+
+"Thank you, Sir. Then all at once the lads 'ad a confab an' went away, an'
+in a few minutes they was back with some lovely straight planed props of
+timber, an' they chopped 'em up in a jiffy 'an got the fire roaring 'ot,
+an' I gave 'em the ball, an' your collars is done an' the rest of your
+things is out drying an' will be finished to-morrow."
+
+"Of course I'm grateful," said Percival. "You might tell your young friends
+I'm willing to be a vice-president of their club--on the usual terms.
+What's the name of it?"
+
+"They tell me it's called 'The Racing Club,'" said Elfred. "But I think,
+Sir, you'd better give your subscription to the other club in the
+village--'The Sportif Club.' You see, Sir, they 'ad a match on to-day as
+well, an' when they arrived on the ground they found someone 'ad been and
+scrounged their goal-posts!"
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: "I SAY, EXCUSE ME, DEAR OLD TOP, BUT YOU MUSTN'T WEAR THAT
+GUNNER TIE NOW YOU'RE DEMOBBED. IT SIMPLY ISN'T DONE!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE ANNIVERSARY.
+
+Having unexpectedly retained possession of my seat in the Tube the other
+evening I over-read myself and ran past my station, so it was rather late
+when I reached home.
+
+"Hullo!" I called out cheerily.
+
+"Hullo!" echoed Margaret in a flat sort of voice; "you back?"
+
+I refrained from facetiousness and told her that I was.
+
+"Oh!" she said.
+
+"Well, well, Margaret," I said in a bright and bustling manner, "we haven't
+got on very well so far, have we? Can't you think of some subject on which
+we can conduct a conversation in words of more than one syllable? The
+skilful hostess should so frame her questions that not even the shyest
+visitor can fall back on a simple Yes or No. Now," I continued, spreading
+myself luxuriously over the chesterfield, "you know how shy I am. Try to
+draw me out, dear. I'm waiting."
+
+I lit a cigarette. Margaret looked reproachfully at me.
+
+"What was yesterday?" she said.
+
+"Tuesday, my dear. We will now have a little chat about Tuesday. Coming as
+it does so soon after Monday, it not unnaturally exhibits--"
+
+"Tuesday the 25th of February," said Margaret solemnly.
+
+"Possibly, my dear, possibly. But I cannot say that I find your remarks
+very interesting. They may be true, or they may not, but they certainly
+seem to me to lack that agreeable whimsicality usually so characteristic of
+you."
+
+"Our wedding-day," said Margaret impressively.
+
+"Was it really?" I said in a whisper. "And you let it pass without
+reminding me. Oh, how could you?"
+
+Margaret smiled.
+
+"I didn't think of it till this morning--after you had gone," she said.
+
+We both smiled. Then we laughed.
+
+"You know, we really are a dreadful couple." I said. "Your fault is greater
+than mine, though. I'll tell you why. Everyone knows that a man--especially
+a manly man--" I tugged my moustache and let my biceps out for a run--
+"never remembers anniversaries, whereas a woman--a womanly woman--does."
+Here I plucked a daffodil from a bowl near by and tucked it coyly behind
+her ear.
+
+"It really is rather awful of us." Margaret restored the daffodil to its
+young companions. "We've only been married three years, too, and yet
+already--" She threw out her arms in a hopeless gesture.
+
+"Still," I said presently, with my hand full of her hand--"still I daresay
+we shall get used to it in time--forgetting the day, I mean. After about
+the fourth lapse there will be hardly any sting in our little piece of
+annual forgetfulness."
+
+"We mustn't forget to remember we've forgotten it, though, Gerald, so that
+we can test the waning powers of the sting."
+
+"I can see this habit growing on us," I said dreamily; "a few more years
+and we shall forget we are married even. I shall come home one day--
+provided I remember where we live--and be horrified to find _you_
+established in my house and using my sealing-wax. Or maybe I shall arrive
+with some little offering of early rhubarb or forced artichokes only to be
+sternly ordered away by a wife who does not recognise me. 'Please take your
+greens round to the tradesmen's entrance,' you will say coldly."
+
+"I think," said Margaret, "that we ought to be extra nice to each other
+now, seeing how short our married life may be. Let's begin at once. You let
+me tidy your desk every day for you and--"
+
+"Won't twice a week satisfy you?" I asked desperately.
+
+"Perhaps; and anyway"--she put a little packet into my hand--"here's _my_
+present to you, even though you did forget yesterday."
+
+"You are a dear, Margaret. And now I'll tell you something. It was--"
+
+Just then James came in and announced dinner. James is all our staff; but
+her other name is Keziah, so we had no choice.
+
+As we sat down I took a small box out of my pocket.
+
+"Give this to your mistress, please," I said to James.
+
+"O-o-o. How ripping of you, Gerald! So you did remember, after all."
+
+"As soon as I got to the station this morning," I said, "I remembered that
+our wedding-day was to-day."
+
+Margaret lifted her eyebrows at me. "To-day?"
+
+"Yes. You are a little behind--or in front of--the times, I'm afraid. The
+twenty-fifth was a Tuesday last year, but it's trying Wednesday for a
+change now. Many Happy Returns of the Day, dear."
+
+We both laughed.
+
+"Now let's look at our presents," said Margaret happily.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+DORA AT THE PLAY.
+
+    ["You cannot buy a cigarette, or an ice, or a box of chocolates in a
+    theatre after eight o'clock--by order of D.O.R.A."--_Advt. passim._]
+
+  Attentive swain, whose lady has commanded you to be at her
+  Disposal as an escort on a visit to the theatre,
+  I give you precious doctrine that is certainly worth sticking to,
+  At least as long as Dora is alive on earth and kicking too.
+
+  If you would keep your fair companion satisfied and cheery, some
+  Provision must be made to fill the intervals so wearisome,
+  For many a gallant fellow has discovered with a shock o' late
+  That after 8 P.M. it's still a crime to sell a chocolate.
+
+  Though you may haunt the bar till ten and confidently mutter "Scotch,"
+  _She_ may not even clamour for a humble slab of butterscotch,
+  And should the heat suggest an ice--may I be rolled out flat if I
+  Distort the truth--it's courting gaol that harmless wish to gratify.
+
+  As for yourself, if you should yearn for blest tobacco's medium
+  In those long waits between the Acts to while away the tedium,
+  And find you're out of cigarettes, remember that to sell any
+  A minute past the fatal hour is counted as a felony.
+
+  Unless the pair of you affect the life ascetic, you'll
+  Be well advised to carry in a hamper or a reticule
+  A goodly store of provender, both smokeable and eatable,
+  For Dora's in the saddle yet and seemingly unseatable.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+BROODY.
+
+    "Will the Imperial Government hen proceed to a new conquest of Southern
+    Ireland?"--_Daily Paper._
+
+No, we expect it will be left sitting.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "HIDDEN MUMMIES.
+
+    The Museum authorities are receiving numerous inquiries when the
+    mummies will be on view, particularly for school children."--_Daily
+    Paper._
+
+We hope that the N.S.P.C.C. will see to it that all mummies are allowed to
+return to their families without further delay.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: MANNERS AND MODES.
+
+THEN AND NOW.
+
+[_From an Early-Victorian pocket "Etiquette for Gentlemen_":--"If you so
+far forget what is elegant as to smoke in the street or park, at least
+never omit to fling away your cigar if you speak to a lady."]]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: BEHIND THE SCENES IN CINEMA-LAND.
+
+IT IS A TERRIBLE MOMENT FOR THE FILM ACTOR WHEN HE REALISES THAT HE IS
+GETTING TOO FAT TO PLAY HERO, AND NOT FAT ENOUGH TO BE FUNNY.]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+GOLF NOTES.
+
+(_With acknowledgments to Mr. A.C.M. Croome._)
+
+APPROACHING.
+
+TAYLOR--or was it JAMES BRAID?--begins one of his classic and illuminating
+chapters with the quotation "_Ex pede Herculem_," nor can even we of the
+Oxford and Cambridge Golfing Society venture to differ from so eminent an
+authority or grudge him so apt a phrase. _Verb. sap._ and, let me add,
+_sat_. To those, few perhaps in actual reckoning (though I, wearing of
+right the wine-dark vesture--were there half Blues in HOMER'S time?--cannot
+compete with JOHN LOW _et hoc genus omne_, Cantabs confessed, in the
+prestidigitation of numerals and weird signs of values)--to those, then,
+few, but of many parts appreciative, who followed a certain foursome at
+Addington last week, my premiss should be intrinsically incontrovertible.
+Partner, whom I had "made" with a drive well and truly apportioned--_ex
+carne ictum_--partner, after much self-searching and mental recursion to
+the maxims of TOM MORRIS and LA ROUCHEFOUCAULD, took his ball on the--_O
+horribile dictu_ (or shall I say _horresco referens_?)--well, to be
+meticulously exact, partner shanked it. And it is just here that those who
+have also enjoyed a University education will pick up--even as partner
+failed to do--what I, who write, am driving at.
+
+Remembering how dear old W.G.--in those halcyon days when Gloucester was
+worthy of the cheese whereof she is now so chary a producer--used to score
+with that heavy cut between point and cover, I too, greatly daring, cut it
+and laid it (the ball, not the cheese) dead. _De mortuis_ ... For assuredly
+it _was_ good.
+
+The one adornment of this episode should have been a quotation from
+ARISTOPHANES. It is not, however, given to all men always to remember. _Non
+cuivis_, in fact.
+
+OF IMPACT.
+
+It was at the ensuing consumption of Bohea, or of its substitute as
+provided by a paternal Government, that one of the party, with the rashness
+of a _d'Artagnan_, reverted to the question of weight of clubs. ABE
+MITCHELL'S driver, of course, gave him a handle; but himself he, unaided,
+gave away. For it is not to be boasted by every man that he has been
+blessed with an _Alma Mater_, and that consequently logic is to him even as
+hair and teeth--save only that these twain be not false. For, said this
+unhappy wight, increase the weight and the corollary is length increased.
+
+Then arose a certain justly eminent author, whose list of tales is equalled
+only by the tale of his handicap, and demonstrably discounted weight
+without pace.
+
+It was then agreed that a test _ad hominem_ should be applied, and that the
+result of such test should determine the individuality of him who should
+settle with our Ganymede. Partner and I pushed--_gemitu et fremitu_--a
+bulky sideboard against a paper ball. The inertia of the object was barely
+overcome.
+
+Then the man of letters flicked it across the room with finger and thumb.
+And the original theorist became the poorer by the commercial estimate of
+four teas and jam.
+
+PUTTING.
+
+It has been said elsewhere, yet may not therefore be wholly lacking in
+elemental veracity, that putting is the devil. Systems more numerous than
+dactyls and spondees in Classic verse, patent putters outnumbered only by
+howlers in Oxford responsions, bear witness to this graceless statement.
+Quite lately in these columns have I confessed--_pulvere cineribusque_--
+that our side had twice failed at the inconsiderable distance of two yards,
+even after discarding the small thirty-two. But that further confession
+will be forthcoming is now wildly and preposterously problematical. For I
+have discovered the true exorcism for demoniac influence in putting. It is
+this: First catch your putter. Put the whole length of the shaft up your
+sleeve. Then--but I must retain something for next Saturday's notes, and,
+besides, I fancy the secretary of the Club where I am inditing these words
+has his frugal eye on the consumption of the note-paper. But what I have
+written I have written. _Litera scripta manet._
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Eminent London Architect_ (_submitting his designs to our
+Village Victory Memorial Committee and warming to his work_). "...AND,
+SURMOUNTING THE WHOLE, A GRACEFUL FIGURE OF VICTORY, WITH WREATH--SO."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE COALITION OF 1950.
+
+"Aren't you being rather badly hit by the price of tobacco?" I asked
+Charles, whose pipe is a kind of extra limb to him.
+
+"I have just been composing the plot of a novel," he replied with apparent
+irrelevance. "It begins something like this:--
+
+"'Slowly and softly the violet dusk set in. The beautiful young Première
+stood at the window of her yellow-and-black boudoir, gazing a little
+wistfully at the almost deserted pavements of Downing Street. A white
+pigeon perched--'"
+
+"They aren't white," I said; "they're a sort of purply pinky grey."
+
+"All right," said Charles, unmoved, "only it rather spoils the sentence. 'A
+sort of purply pinky grey pigeon perched pompously--'"
+
+"Never mind the pigeon," I said, "tell me what was the trouble with the
+B.Y.P."
+
+"A change in the leadership of the Opposition. The old leaderess had just
+retired and her place had been taken by a new one, a man this time, young
+and handsome as Apollo, who had thrown up the Chair of Cinematography at
+the London University to plunge on to a political platform."
+
+"What was the programme," I inquired, "of this--er--furniture-remover?"
+
+"He was a reactionary," said Charles. "The Première's party had won a not
+too sweeping victory at the polls on prohibition (not of alcohol, of
+course--that had been done long ago--but of tobacco)."
+
+"How on earth did she do it?"
+
+"National economy, mostly," answered Charles. "She had the wives' vote
+solid, and they carried the more docile of the husbands with them. She had
+to throw out bribes to the unmarried electorate of both sexes, of course,
+bribes which she had since been attempting to pay. Powder and chocolates
+had been made cheaper. There was the Endowment of Cinemas Act of 1948, and
+the Subsidized Football Bill of '49. But all these extravagances had
+largely ruined the effect of the abolition of tobacco. At the beginning of
+that year she had been obliged to cancel the State holiday on Mondays--"
+
+"Why Mondays?" I inquired.
+
+"Everyone feels beastly on Monday."
+
+"But I don't see why they should feel any better on Tuesday."
+
+"It was twenty-four hours nearer Saturday," he replied, "and Saturday was
+also a State holiday. Labour, of course, was infuriated, and unrest was
+every day becoming more apparent. The by-elections were going against the
+Première. And now this new handsome young hero had arisen not only to
+crystallise the support of his own sex, but capture the hearts of all the
+female electorate under twenty."
+
+"Twenty!" I gasped.
+
+"Everyone over fifteen had the franchise," said Charles calmly. "Now mark
+you, the programme of the Opposition was very cunning. They only proposed
+to reintroduce cigar and cigarette smoking. Edward Oburn, the young leader,
+being a film actor, naturally smoked nothing but exquisite Havanas. In this
+he had the support of the wealthier employers, but the enormous army of
+cigarette-suckers, male and female, was with him.
+
+"But I don't see how he proposed to cut down expenses," I objected.
+
+"He was going to tax the printing of all words over two syllables in
+length," replied Charles. "The Press of those days was not affected by the
+proposal, but a considerable revenue was expected from scientific books,
+high-brow novels and Socialistic publications. Well, the Première, as I
+say, was a prey to sad reflections, when suddenly the chur-chur of a
+taxi--"
+
+"Aren't you thinking of night-jars?" I said.
+
+"Possibly I am," he admitted; "it may have been a chug-chug. Anyway, it
+threw a wide arc of light into the gloom and stopped at the door of No. 10.
+A few moments later the door of the boudoir was flung open and the
+Chancellor of the Exchequer was announced."
+
+"What did _she_ want?"
+
+"She was a he this time, and had come to announce the inevitable--the very
+thing that the Première was thinking about and fearing. 'We must have the
+Bachelor Tax,'" he said.
+
+"Now, the Bachelor Tax had been tried some twenty years before, but had
+failed, partly owing to the number of passive resisters who had had to be
+forcibly fed, and partly owing to the number of men who had shown
+substantial proof of recurrent rejections. How were they to bring in a
+reasonable and satisfactory Bill? After a long consultation, lasting
+several hours beyond midnight--"
+
+"Did the taxi go on chugging?" I asked.
+
+"Shut up. They decided eventually that if a bachelor made a written
+proposal and was rejected he was entitled to have his case tried before a
+jury of women, who should decide whether it was a reasonable offer and one
+that should normally have been accepted. If they found that it was, he was
+to be exempt from further efforts. The Bill was accordingly drafted, and
+carried easily, and the sequel no doubt you have guessed. On the day after
+it became law the beautiful young Première received a neatly-typed offer of
+marriage from Edward Oburn. They met; there was a scene of the utmost
+beauty and pathos; they became engaged, and the Coalition Government of the
+middle of 1950 began."
+
+"How long did it go on?" I inquired.
+
+"Until the day of revolution," said Charles pleasantly, refilling his foul
+old briar--"the great day when Fleet Street ran with blood and the
+pipe-smokers put up barricades in the Strand, and Piccadilly became a
+reeking shambles. Have you got a match?"
+
+EVOE.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Knowledgeable Female_ (_interpreting costumes to the
+crowd_). "AND 'IM--'E'S A ESQUIMOKE."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "The chauffeur, who sprang into the vehicle as it started off, was
+    injured when it collided with a lamppost. Both were removed to
+    hospital.--_Daily Paper._
+
+It is hoped that when the lamp-post has recovered it may throw some light
+on the accident.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+"'In a few more fleeting years'
+
+    The ---- will still be Earning Money for its owner when other cars have
+    caused their owners to become but a memory."--_Provincial Paper._
+
+The advertiser ought not, we think, to have suppressed the names of these
+murderous machines.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: THE KINDEST CUT OF ALL.
+
+WELSH WIZARD. "I NOW PROCEED TO CUT THIS MAP INTO TWO PARTS AND PLACE THEM
+IN THE HAT. AFTER A SUITABLE INTERVAL THEY WILL BE FOUND TO HAVE COME
+TOGETHER OF THEIR OWN ACCORD--(_ASIDE_)--AT LEAST LET'S HOPE SO; I'VE NEVER
+DONE THIS TRICK BEFORE."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT.
+
+[Illustration: MR. ASQUITH SITS UP AND TAKES NOTICE.
+
+"THE MANCHESTER SCHOOL OF POLITICS IS DEAD AND THERE IS NO GOING BACK TO
+IT."--_Mr. NEIL MACLEAN._]
+
+_Monday, March 1st._--Calendar note (extracted from _The Wee Free
+Almanack_): "Asquith comes in like a lion."
+
+Everybody wanted to see the victor of Paisley make his _rentrée_. The
+Peers' Gallery was so crowded with his former colleagues that Lord
+ROTHERMERE had scarcely room for the big stick which typifies his present
+attitude towards the Government. Poor Lord BEAVERBROOK was quite in the
+background; but I am told that on historic occasions he always prefers,
+with characteristic modesty, to be behind the scenes.
+
+As the hero of the hour walked up the floor, escorted by Sir DONALD MACLEAN
+and Mr. THORNE, his supporters did their best to give him a rousing
+welcome. But they were too few to produce much effect, and a moment or two
+later, when Mr. LLOYD GEORGE left the Treasury Bench to greet his old chief
+behind the SPEAKER'S Chair, they were compelled to hear the young bloods of
+the Coalition "give a louder roar."
+
+Finding the traditional seat of the Leader of the Opposition still in the
+occupation of Mr. ADAMSON, Mr. ASQUITH bestowed himself between the Labour
+Leader and Mr. NEIL MACLEAN, with whom he entered into conversation. If he
+was endeavouring to expound for his benefit the moral of Paisley I am
+afraid he had but a poor success, for in the ensuing debate on food-control
+the Member for Govan shocked Liberal hearers by declaring that "the
+Manchester School is dead and there is no going back to it." In opposing
+the continuance of D.O.R.A. Captain ELLIOT was again in good form. His best
+_mot_, "With the Cabinet a thing is always either _sub judice_ or _chose
+jugée_," will take a good deal of beating as a summary of the Ministerial
+method of answering Questions.
+
+[Illustration: SUPPLEMENTARY QUESTIONS ON THE CLOTHING DIFFICULTY.
+
+MR. G.R. THORNE TO ASK MR. MALLABY-DEELEY (CONTROLLER OF SUITINGS) WHAT IS
+THE PRICE OF HIS LATEST CUT.
+
+LT.-COL. WILL THORNE TO ASK WHETHER ANY REDUCTION IS MADE IN PROPORTION TO
+QUANTITY OF CLOTH PURCHASED.]
+
+I understand that Mr. MALLABY-DEELEY disclaims being the customer to whom
+the Disposals Board sold 577,000 suits of Government clothing. He makes a
+point of never being over-dressed.
+
+A suggestion that in view of the difficulty of filling diplomatic vacancies
+the Government should appoint suitable women to some of these posts was
+declined by the PRIME MINISTER on the ground that it was not practicable at
+present. I doubt if he would have had the hardihood to make this avowal but
+that Lady ASTOR had been ousted from her usual seat by Mr. PEMBERTON
+BILLING.
+
+_Tuesday, March 2nd._--Lieut.-Commander KENWORTHY might be described as a
+pacificist who conducts a persistent offensive. He accused the WAR MINISTER
+of having made a false statement about Conscription in America, and later
+on made an allusion to General DENIKIN which Mr. CHURCHILL, to the
+satisfaction of the House, which does not exactly love the Central
+Hullaballoonist, described as "a singularly ill-conditioned sneer."
+
+Lord WINTERTON, once the "baby" of the House, is still one of its most
+popular figures. Members were quite interested as he proceeded to explain,
+with an engaging blush, that a "hard case" which he had brought to the
+notice of the WAR MINISTER was his own, and sorry when the SPEAKER brought
+the narrative to a sudden stop by observing, "This is not the moment for
+autobiography."
+
+The FIRST COMMISSIONER OF WORKS was roundly abused for having spent £3,250
+on tapestry for Hampton Court Palace. But when it turned out that the panel
+in question was the long-missing number of a set belonging to Cardinal
+WOLSEY, and that its recovery was largely due to the enterprise and
+munificence of the right hon. gentleman himself, the House agreed that his
+completion of "Seven Deadly Sins" was a venial offence.
+
+[Illustration: THE HULLABALLOONIST.
+
+LIEUT.-COMMANDER KENWORTHY.]
+
+Other Estimates evoked more healthy criticism. Sir FREDERICK BANBURY was
+eloquent upon what he called a "hotel for gardeners" at Kew. Mr. HOGGE was
+for rooting up the Royal Botanical Gardens, since they were hardly ever
+visited by Scotsmen, and Captain STANLEY WILSON inveighed against the
+extravagance with which the British delegates were housed in Paris. Sir
+ALFRED MOND admitted that they "did themselves very well," but pleaded that
+they could hardly be expected to go to Montmartre--at least not
+collectively--and pointed out that some of the criticisms should be
+addressed to other Departments. He was not responsible, for example, for
+"clothes of typists."
+
+_Wednesday, March 3rd._--Among the things that they do better in France,
+according to Lord SUDELEY, is the popularisation of picture-galleries and
+museums. He instanced the pictures on French match-boxes. But were they
+always confined to reproductions of Louvre masterpieces? My recollection is
+that at one time they took a wider range and were distinctly more striking
+than the matches.
+
+One was reminded of PRAED'S lines--
+
+  "Hume, no doubt, will be taking the sense
+  Of the House on a question of thirteen-pence"--
+
+when the Government very nearly came to grief to-night over a question of
+five pounds for the Inland Revenue offices in Manchester. In vain Mr.
+BALDWIN pointed out the desirability of giving proper accommodation to the
+gentlemen who pick our pockets in the interest of the State. The House was
+still obstinate, until Mr. BONAR LAW declared that the Government would
+resign if they did not get their "fiver." As he undertook, however, not to
+spend it without further leave, the vote at last went through.
+
+_Thursday, March 4th._--Lord BUCKMASTER'S scheme for preventing the
+bankruptcy of the State is to make everybody invest a portion of his
+capital in Government securities and to withhold the interest until such
+time as the State should find it convenient to pay. This, he explained to
+his own satisfaction, was quite different from that dangerous expedient, a
+levy on capital. Lord PEEL took a more cheerful view of the situation, and
+indicated that it was quite unnecessary for noble lords to get the wind up,
+since the Government would have no difficulty in raising it.
+
+Even the most rigid economists will not cavil at the latest addition to our
+financial burdens. The PENSIONS MINISTER announced an addition of close on
+two millions a year to the annual charge. The increase is chiefly for a
+much-needed improvement in the allowances made to disabled officers, who
+have hitherto been but scurvily treated.
+
+Mr. HIGHAM objected to receiving an answer about the telephones from Mr.
+PIKE PEASE. He demanded a reply from the PRIME MINISTER, not from a
+representative of the department impugned. The SPEAKER, however, pointed
+out that there were limits to the PREMIER'S responsibilities: "He does not
+run the whole show." After this descent into the vernacular I half-expected
+that Mr. LOWTHER would dam the stream of Supplementaries that followed
+with, "Oh, ring off!" but he contented himself with calling the next
+Question.
+
+The debate on the Third Reading of the War Emergency Laws (Continuance)
+Bill was chiefly devoted to Ireland. Captain WEDGWOOD BENN, after spending
+a whole week in that country, is convinced that all the trouble is due to
+the Government's reliance upon D.O.R.A., and declared that the only people
+who were not in gaol were the murderers. That would mean that there are
+some four million assassins in Ireland; which I feel sure is an
+exaggeration. The two hundred thousand mentioned by the CHIEF SECRETARY
+would seem to be ample for any country save Russia.
+
+Scarcely was this gloomy episode over than the House was called upon to
+pass a Supplementary Estimate of £860 for "Peace Celebrations in Ireland."
+As £500 of this sum was for flags and decorations, which, in Mr. BALDWIN'S
+phrase, "remain for future use," the Irish outlook may, after all, be not
+quite so black as it is painted.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Hawker_ (_to lady who is in bitter need of fuel_). "EAGER
+AS I AM, MADAM, TO EXPLAIN THE MERITS OF THESE LOGS AT FOURTEEN SHILLINGS A
+HUNDRED, I CANNOT IGNORE THE NOTICE EMBLAZONED ON YOUR GATE, AND THEREFORE
+WISH YOU A VERY GOOD DAY."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A BUY ELECTION.
+
+    [The excellent precedent set by Mr. MALLABY-DEELEY in supplying needed
+    goods at cheap rates may prove a little awkward if adopted by
+    Parliamentary Candidates, as shown in the following anticipatory
+    report.]
+
+Quiet confidence reigned in the ranks of the Muddleboro Labour Party. The
+action of their Candidate, Mr. Dulham, in arranging for a co-operative milk
+supply at sixpence per quart, was supposed to have won the hearts of all
+householders. They had no fear of Mr. Coddem, the representative of the
+great BOTTOMLEY party. It was true that Mr. Coddem had taken over a local
+brewery and was supplying beer at threepence per pint. But the Labour
+stalwarts argued that, in the first place, this would lose him the women's
+and temperance vote, and, in the second place, the electors would drink the
+brewery dry in double-quick time. All those who failed to get cheap beer
+would revenge themselves on the Candidate who had failed to keep his
+promise.
+
+The Wee Free cause was nearly hopeless. Their candidate, Mr. Guff, had made
+a desperate bid for popularity by offering, in conjunction with _The Daily
+News_, cocoa at reduced rates. But the Labour Candidate had put the pointed
+question, "Who made cocoa dear in the first place?" and Mr. Guff had evaded
+the question.
+
+When Mr. Stilts, the National Party Candidate, promised the public cheaper
+honours--urging that, if he were returned, it would be unnecessary to
+subscribe to party funds to get a title--the voters were quite unmoved.
+Perhaps they knew that they could get the O.B.E. for nothing, anyhow, and
+had no higher ambitions.
+
+The Coalition Candidate, Mr. Jenkins, alone said nothing. _The Star_, that
+famous organ of the Anti-Gambling Party, proclaimed triumphantly that the
+odds offered in the constituency were ten to one against Jenkins. But Mr.
+Jenkins lay low and said nothing. Or rather he achieved the not impossible
+feat in a Parliamentary contest of saying nothing and saying a good deal.
+
+But the day before the poll Mr. Jenkins's polling cards were delivered.
+They were headed, "Vote for Jenkins and Kill Profiteering. Give up this
+card at your polling-station for free samples of silks in my great blouse
+offer. I sell for 9s. 11-3/4d. a blouse usually priced at two guineas. Not
+more than six sold to any one voter. OUT SIZES NO EXTRA CHARGE."
+
+A quarter-mile queue of lady-voters was standing outside the polling booths
+at eight o'clock. Hundreds of them had their husbands in custody with them.
+In vain were representations of the Full Milk Jug and the Flowing Pint Pot
+paraded before them. The Wee Free procession, headed by a Brimming Cocoa
+Cup, was received with jeers.
+
+When the poll was declared the figures ran--
+
+  Jenkins (Coalition) ... 20,428
+  Coddem (Bottomley) ... 9,344
+  Dulham (Labour) ... 9,028
+  Guff (Wee Free) ... 2,008
+  Stilts (National Party) ... 49
+
+And _The Daily News_' headline the next day was--
+
+  "CORRUPT MINORITY CANDIDATE CARRIES MUDDLEBORO."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: DÉMODÉ.
+
+_She._ "SOMEWHAT ARCHAIC--WHAT?"
+
+_He._ "YE--ES. ALL RIGHT SIX WEEKS AGO. _QUITE_ ACADEMICAL NOW."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+COMMERCIAL CANDOUR.
+
+From a poultry-breeder's advertisement:--
+
+    "My strains of Rhodes are only too well known."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "Miss Winnie ----, the charming and talented actress, writes:--'I am
+    quite positive--I owe my present health and spirits to ----.'"--_Advt.
+    in Daily Paper._
+
+    "Poor Miss Winnie ---- has had to retire suddenly from the revue--
+    doctor's orders."--_Same paper, same day._
+
+We should have liked to hear the Advertisement Manager's view of the News
+Editor.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: "OO, LUMME! WOT PRICE REGINALD IN 'IS MALLABY-DEELEYS?"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+FREUD AND JUNG.
+
+    [A reviewer in a recent issue of _The Times Literary Supplement_ asks,
+    "Why should the characters in the psychological novel be invariably
+    horrid?" and is inclined to explain this state of affairs by the
+    undiscriminating study of "the theories of two very estimable
+    gentlemen, the sound of whose names one is beginning to dislike--
+    Messrs. Freud and Jung."]
+
+  In QUEEN VICTORIA'S placid reign, the novelists of note
+  In one respect, at any rate, were all in the same boat;
+  Alike in _Richard Feverel_ and in _Aurora Floyd_
+  You'll seek in vain for any trace of Messrs. JUNG and FREUD.
+
+  They did not fail in colour, for they had their PEACOCK'S tales;
+  Their heroines, I must admit, ran seldom off the rails;
+  They had their apes and angels, but they never once employed
+  The psycho-analytic rules devised by JUNG and FREUD.
+
+  They ran a tilt at fraud and guilt, at snobbery and shams;
+  They had no lack of Meredithyrambic epigrams;
+  The types that most appealed to them were not neurasthenoid;
+  They lived, you see, before the day of Messrs. JUNG and FREUD.
+
+  (I've searched the last edition of the famous _Ency. Brit._
+  And neither of this noble pair is even named in it;
+  Only the men since Nineteen-Ten have properly enjoyed
+  The privilege of studying the works of JUNG and FREUD.)
+
+  Their characters, I grieve to say, were never more unclean
+  Than those of ordinary life, in morals or in mien;
+  They had not slummed or fully plumbed with rapture unalloyed
+  The unconscious mind as now defined by Messrs. JUNG and FREUD.
+
+  The spiritual shell-shock which these scientists impart
+  Had not enlarged or cleared the dim horizons of their art;
+  They had not learned that mutual love by wedlock is destroyed,
+  As proved by the disciples of the school of JUNG and FREUD.
+
+  The hierophants of pure romance, ev'n in its recent mood,
+  From STEVENSON to CONRAD, such excesses have eschewed;
+  But the psycho-pathologic route was neither mapped nor buoyed
+  Until the new discoveries of Messrs. JUNG and FREUD.
+
+  That fiction should be tonic all may readily agree;
+  That its function is emetic I, for one, could never see;
+  And so I'm glad to find _The Times Lit. Supp._ has grown annoyed
+  At the undiscriminating cult of Messrs. JUNG and FREUD.
+
+  Let earnest "educationists" assiduously preach
+  The value of psychology in training those who teach;
+  Let publicists who speak of Mr. GEORGE, without the LLOYD,
+  Confound him with quotations from the works of JUNG and FREUD--
+
+  But I, were I a despot, quite benevolent, of course,
+  Armed with the last developments of high-explosive force,
+  I'd build a bigger "Bertha," and discharge it in the void
+  Crammed with the novelists who brood on Messrs. JUNG and FREUD.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: "I S'POSE I MUSTN'T GO IN THE GARDEN WHILE YOU'RE RESTING,
+MUMMY?"
+
+"NO, DEAR--IT'S TOO DAMP."
+
+"IF I _DID_ GO IN THE GARDEN WHILE YOU'RE RESTING, MUMMY, WOULD YOU PUNISH
+ME OR REASON WITH ME?"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+OPERATICS.
+
+It has been suggested before now that Opera might be improved if the
+singing were done behind the scenes and the performance on the stage were
+carried out in dumb show by competent actors who looked their parts. But
+the idea that the movements on the stage would correspond with the
+utterances off it is not encouraged by the present lack of collusion
+between singers and orchestra--I refer to cases where a performer is
+required to simulate music on a dummy instrument.
+
+This reflection was forced upon me at a recent performance of _Tannhäuser_.
+It is true that Miss LILLIAN STANFORD as the _Shepherd_ fingered her pipe
+in precise accord with the gentleman who played the music for her. But Mr.
+MULLINGS, as _Tannhäuser_, took the greatest liberties with his harp. He
+just slapped it whenever he liked, without any regard to the motions of his
+collaborator. As for Mr. MICHAEL, who played _Wolfram_, he was content to
+fill in the vocal pauses with a little suitable strumming; but when he sang
+he was so distracted by his own voice that he left his harp to play the
+accompaniment without visible assistance from his hand.
+
+For the fine performance which Mr. ALBERT COATES conducted I have no word
+but of praise, except that I could have wished that Miss ELSA STRALIA had
+borne a closer resemblance to what is expected of _Elisabeth_. She seemed
+to want to look as much as possible like _Venus_, whose very opposite she
+should have been in type as in nature. Her colouring upset the whole scheme
+of contrast, and one never began to believe in the sincerity of her
+spiritual ideals or that her death from a broken heart was anything but an
+affectation.
+
+O.S.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A LEONINE REVIVAL.
+
+Amongst the dead lions of the past, some of us have prematurely reckoned
+those of Peterborough Court. MATT. ARNOLD was supposed to have
+administered, if not the _coup de grâce_, at any rate a serious blow to
+their gambollings in _Friendship's Garland_.
+
+It is therefore a matter for unfeigned rejoicing to find that they are not
+only alive but rampant, with all their old splendid command of polysyllabic
+periphrasis. One need only turn to the notice of "The John Exhibition" in
+last Thursday's _Daily Telegraph_, from which we select the following
+page:--
+
+"It [the exhibition] is a display of purposeful portraiture that helps one
+to realise the effect which Theotokopoulos produced upon his watchful
+contemporaries, and to understand why the Cretan continued to walk alone on
+his way. If some insist on finding modern El Greco versions of Inspectors
+and Inquisitors-general in this John gathering, compounded of comparatively
+innocuous personalities, the privilege is, of course, permissible, and
+incidentally brightens conversation in irresponsible circles."
+
+But a higher level of full-throated _bravura_ is attained later on:--
+
+"If reiteration may also be the mark of the best portraiture, _pace_ Lord
+Fisher, commendation should be given to Mr. John for continuing to
+visualize the great seaman as Jupiter Tonans flashing in gold lace."
+
+How delightful it is, after the arid methods of the modern critics, bred up
+on BENEDETTO CROCE, to hear the old authentic leonine ecstasy of SALA,
+"monarch of the florid quill!" Mr. Punch, once hailed by the _D.T._ as "the
+Democritus of Fleet Street," on the strength of his "memorable monosyllabic
+monition," in turn salutes the immortal protagonist of the purple
+polysyllable.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+WITCHCRAFT.
+
+(_A Mediæval Tragedy._)
+
+"I want," said the maiden, glancing round her with tremulous distaste at
+the stuffed crocodile, the black cat and the cauldron simmering on the
+hearth, "to see some of your complexion specialities."
+
+"You want nothing of the kind," retorted the witch. "Why prevaricate? A
+maid with your colour hath small need even of my triple extract of toads'
+livers. What you have really come for is either a love-potion--" she paused
+and glanced keenly at her visitor--"or the means to avenge love
+unrequited."
+
+The maiden had flushed crimson. "I wish he were dead!" she whispered.
+
+"Now you are talking. That wish is, of course, the simplest thing in the
+world to gratify, if only you are prepared to pay for it. I presume Moddam
+would not desire anything too easy?"
+
+"He had promised,", broke out the maiden uncontrollably, "to take me to the
+charity bear-baiting matinée in aid of unemployed ex-Crusaders. The whole
+thing was arranged. And then at the last moment--"
+
+"Precisely as I had supposed. A case for one of our superior wax images,
+made to model, with pins complete. Melted before a slow fire ensures the
+gradual wasting of the original with pangs corresponding to the insertion
+of each pin."
+
+The customer's fine eyes gleamed. "Give me one."
+
+"I will sell you one," corrected the witch. "But I should warn you. They
+are not cheap."
+
+"No matter."
+
+"Good. I was about to observe that since our sovereign liege KING RICHARD
+granted peace to the Saracen the cost both of material and labour hath so
+parlously risen that I am unable to supply a really reliable article under
+fifty golden angels."
+
+"I have them here."
+
+"With special pins, of course, extra."
+
+"Take what you will." The maiden flung down a leathern wallet that chinked
+pleasingly. The witch, having transferred the contents of this to her own
+pocket, proceeded to fashion the required charm, watched by her client with
+half-repelled eagerness.
+
+"Hawk's eye, falcon's nose, raven's lock, peacock's clothes," chanted the
+crone, following the words with her cunning fingers.
+
+"How--how know you him?" Panic was in the voice.
+
+The other laughed unpleasantly. "Doth not the whole district know the Lord
+Oeil-de-Veau by reputation?" She held out the image. "Handle him carefully
+and use a fresh pin for each record."
+
+The maid snatched it from her hands and was turning towards the door of the
+hut when a low tap on its outer surface caused her to shrink back alarmed.
+The witch had again been watching her with an ambiguous smile. "Should
+Moddam wish to avoid observation," she suggested, "the side exit behind
+yonder curtain--" In an instant she was alone. Flinging the empty wallet
+into the darkest corner the witch (not without sundry chuckles) slowly
+unbarred the entrance.
+
+On the threshold stood a slim female figure enveloped in a cloak. "The love
+potion I had here last week," began a timid voice, "seems hardly
+satisfactory. If you stock a stronger quality, no matter how expensive--"
+
+"Step inside," said the witch.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Some couple of months later the ladies of the house-party assembled at
+Sangazure Castle for the Victory jousts were gathered in the great hall,
+exchanging gossip and serf-stories in the firelight while awaiting the
+return of their menkind.
+
+"Hath any heard," lisped one fair young thing, "how fareth the Lord
+Oeil-de-Veau? They tell me that some mysterious ailment hath him in
+thrall."
+
+At the words the Lady Yolande Sangazure (whom we have met before) was aware
+of a crimson flood mounting swiftly to her exquisite temples. Strange to
+add, the same phenomenon might have been observed in a score of damosels
+belonging to the best families in the district. The hall seemed suffused in
+a ruddy glow that was certainly not reflected from the exiguous pile of
+post-Crusading fuel smouldering on the great hearth.
+
+"Tush!" broke in the cracked voice of a withered old dame, "your news is
+old. Not only hath the so-called fever vanished but my lord himself hath
+followed it."
+
+"Gone!" The cry was echoed by twenty voices; twenty embroidery-frames fell
+from forty arrested hands, while nine-and-thirty dismayed eyes fixed
+themselves upon the maliciously-amused countenance of the speaker. Only
+one, belonging to the Lady Beauregarde, who squinted slightly, remained as
+though unmoved by the general commotion.
+
+"Moreover," continued the old dame, "report saith that with him went his
+leman, who, having some art in necromancy, transformed her beauty to the
+semblance of a witch and provided her own dowry by the sale, to certain
+addle-pated wenches, of charms for which her lover himself prepared the
+market."
+
+"But--his fever?" an impetuous voice broke in.
+
+"Cozening, no doubt. Of course the tale may be but idle babble; still, if
+true, one would admit that such credulous fools got no more than they
+deserved."
+
+She ceased, well satisfied. "I fancy," observed the Lady Yolande coldly,
+"that I hear our lords returning." And in the eloquent silence a score of
+fair young minds slowly assimilated the profound truth (as fresh to-day as
+eight hundred years ago) that Satan finds some mischief still for the
+impecunious demobilised.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+TO JESSIE
+
+    (_"one of the Zoo's most popular elephants," now deceased_).
+
+  Jessie of the melting eye,
+    Wreathed trunk and horny tegum-
+  Ent, whom I have joyed to ply
+  With the fugitive mince-pie
+    And the seasonable legume,
+  Youth has left me; fortune too
+    Flounts my efforts to annex it;
+  Still, I occupy the view,
+  Bored but loath to leave, while you
+    Make the inevitable exit.
+
+  Ne'er again for blissful rides
+    Shall our shouting offspring clamber
+  Up your broad and beetling sides;
+  Ne'er again, when eventide's
+    Coming turns the skies to amber
+  And the fluting blackbirds call,
+    Poised above a bale of fodder
+  In your well-appointed stall
+  Will you muse upon it all,
+    Patient introspective plodder.
+
+  Once, an anxious mother's care,
+    Day by day you roamed the jungle,
+  Felt the sunshine, sniffed the air;
+  Life, methinks, was passing fair;
+    But of that no mortal tongue'll
+  Tell. Perhaps you never thought
+    If it bored you or enraptured
+  Till the wily hunter caught
+  You and all your friends and brought
+    Home to England, bound and captured.
+
+  Jessie, fairest of your race,
+    Now you're gone and few will miss you;
+  There will come to take your place
+  Creatures less replete with grace;
+    Elephants of grosser tissue
+  Will intrigue the public sight;
+    That, old girl, 's the common attitude.
+  Still, these few poor lines I write
+  May preserve your memory bright,
+    Since the pen is dipped in gratitude.
+
+  ALGOL.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: MORE ADVENTURES OF A POST-WAR SPORTSMAN.
+
+_P.-W.S._ (_having struggled over many ploughed fields_). "NOW THEN, MY
+LAD, FETCH 'IM OVER 'ERE AND I'LL GIVE YOU A TANNER."
+
+_Bucolic Profiteer._ "NOA, YE DOAN'T! GIVE OI TEN BOB OR OI LETS HE GO
+AGAIN."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+OUR BOOKING-OFFICE.
+
+(_By Mr. Punch's Staff of Learned Clerks._)
+
+We are apt to think of Lord NORTHCLIFFE as the "onlie begetter" of the New
+Journalism. But here comes Mr. KENNEDY JONES, M.P., to remind us, in _Fleet
+Street and Downing Street_ (HUTCHINSON), that he too had a very large share
+in its parentage. And up to a point he is a proud father. Circulations
+reckoned in millions instead of thousands, journalistic salaries raised
+from hundreds to thousands, advertisement-revenues multiplied many-fold--
+these are some of the outward signs of the success of a policy which the
+author summarised when he told Lord MORLEY, "You left journalism as a
+profession; we have made it a branch of commerce." But there is another
+side to the medal. _Frankenstein's_ monster was perfect in everything save
+that it lacked a soul. In all material things the New Journalism is a long
+way ahead of the Old; and yet, after chronicling its many triumphs--
+culminating in the capture of _The Times_--its part-creator is fain to
+admit that "public distrust of news is the most notable feature in
+journalism of recent years," and that the influence of the daily Press on
+the public mind has hardly ever been at a lower ebb. This frankness is
+characteristic of a book which on nearly every page contains something to
+startle or amuse. The author's experiences on his first day in London,
+including an encounter with a sausage-seller (more friendly than CLEON'S
+rival); his negotiations for the purchase of _The Times_, and his offer of
+the editorship to Lord CURZON, who unfortunately refused it; the
+_provenance_ of "The Pekin Massacre," which originated, it appears, not
+with a "stunt" journalist, but with a Chinese statesman wishing to pull the
+Occidental leg--these and many other incidents are admirably described by a
+writer who, though he long ago doffed his journalistic harness, has not
+forgotten how to write up a "good story." Be your opinion of the New
+Journalism what it may I guarantee that you will find its champion an
+agreeable companion.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+There are parts of Mr. W.J. LOCKE'S latest novel, _The House of Baltazar_
+(LANE), which will, I fear, make almost prohibitive demands upon the faith
+(considered as belief in the incredible) of his vast following. To begin
+with, he introduces us to that problematical personage, whose possibility
+used to be so much debated, the Man Who Didn't Know There Was A War On.
+_John Baltazar_ had preserved this unique ignorance, first by bolting from
+a Cambridge professorship through amorous complications, next by living
+many years in the Far East, and finally by settling upon a remote moorland
+farm (locality unspecified) with a taciturn Chinaman and an Airedale for
+his only companions. This and other contributory circumstances, for which I
+lack space, just enabled me to admit the situation as possible. Naturally,
+therefore, when a befogged Zeppelin laid a couple of bombs plonk into the
+homestead, the ex-professor experienced a mental as well as a bodily
+shake-up. I had no complaint either with the transformation that developed
+_John Baltazar_ from the only outsider to apparently the big boss of the
+War; while the scenes between him and the son of whose existence he had
+been unaware (a situation not precisely new to fiction) are presented with
+a sincere and moving simplicity. So far so good, even if hardly equal to
+the author's best. But the catastrophe and the melodramatics about
+War-Office secrets, preposterously put on paper, and still more
+preposterously preserved, simply knocked the wind of reality out of the
+whole affair. A pity, since Mr. LOCKE (though I prefer him in more
+fantastic vein) has clearly spent much care upon a tale that, till its
+final plunge, is at least lively and entertaining.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+The amateur of lace, whether as expert or owner, will be pleasantly stirred
+by learning that another book has been added to the already large
+bibliography of a fascinating subject in _The Romance of the Lace Pillow_
+(H.H. ARMSTRONG), published at Olney from the pen of Mr. THOMAS WRIGHT.
+Olney, of course, has two claims on our regard--COWPER and Lace, and it is
+now evident that Mr. WRIGHT has kept as attentive an eye on the one as on
+the other. His book makes no pretence to be more than a brief and frankly
+popular survey of the art of lace-making chiefly in Northamptonshire and
+Bucks, and to it he has brought a wealth of various information (which the
+average reader must take on trust) and an enthusiasm that can be judged by
+his opening statement that "lace ... is the expression of the most
+rapturous moments of whole dynasties of men of genius." So now you know.
+Even those of us who regard it with a calmer pulse can take pleasure in the
+many excellent photographs of lace-work of different periods and schools
+that adorn Mr. WRIGHT'S volume. As for the letter-press, though I will not
+call the writer's style wholly equal to his zeal, his chapters are full of
+interesting gossip, ranging from the late KATHERINE OF ARAGON (the
+originator, according to one theory, of English lace-making), to some jolly
+stuff on the literature of Bobbins and the old Tells, or working-songs,
+sung by "the spinners and the knitters in the sun, and the free maids that
+weave their threads with bones." I have a fancy that the whole volume has
+been more or less a labour of love (never certainly did I meet an author
+with such a list of helpers to thank), so I am glad to think that its
+reward in one sense is already assured.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+In _The Fairy Man_ (DENT), a most engrossing phantasy, Mr. L. COPE CORNFORD
+takes for raw material a family of Maida Vale, victims of all those petty,
+sordid, but deadly troubles known only to the middle class. Without
+warrant, explanation, or excuse he introduces into their routine a sudden
+touch of magic; the tired City man, the acid foster-mother, the children
+(mercifully devoid of any priggishness), and the pre-eminently human
+housemaid and cook are transplanted for a moment into the age of the
+knights-errant. Thither also are transplanted their special friends and
+enemies, all retaining their modern identities and their current troubles,
+and all getting unpleasantly involved in the troubles of the ancients, to
+boot. Eventually the interlude is found to have provided the solution of
+the difficulties, pecuniary and other, of the home in Maida Vale; and I
+will say no more than that a very telling story ends well and naturally. No
+reader should imagine he has read all this before; the admixture of fairy
+imagination with the intensely practical things of life is something new,
+and there is a definite purpose in it all. The book may be labelled
+intellectual, but the characters always remain very human; thus _George_,
+finding himself back in the times of a thousand years ago, says critically,
+"It looks old, but it feels just the same;" and his father, seeing him
+engaged in an assault on the castle, shouts, "George! put that sword down
+instantly." Mr. CORNFORD makes his points with such discretion and
+understanding that even the most solid materialist must, after reading,
+feel a little less sure of himself.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+I rather think that if I had the opportunity of discussing with ELINOR
+MORDAUNT her _Old Wine in New Bottles_ (HUTCHINSON) and had the courage to
+say what was in my mind: "Don't you think perhaps that your vigorous and
+unexpected characters are out of story-land rather than out of life?" and
+if she riposted, "But is it necessary they should be like life if they are
+life-like?" I should be left with no more effective retort than "Quite," or
+something just as futile. For there's no doubt that these queer villains,
+Chinese dealers, bold sailormen, travellers, rapt lovers, do get over the
+footlights in an effective way. They do the things that are only done in
+magazines, but they do them with a gusto which engages the attention.
+Perhaps indeed that's what the author meant by her ingenious title; though
+I suppose her device of setting before each story a longer or shorter, more
+or less relevant, passage from the Old Testament gives a clearer clue to
+the precise way in which she interprets "nothing new under the sun." I
+cheerfully prescribe of this old wine one or two bottles at bedtime. Better
+not, I think, the whole case at a sitting.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Tramp._ "YES, MUM, I'M AN OLD SOLDIER; FOUGHT IN THE--"
+
+_Mrs. Tommy Atkins._ "D'YOU STILL REMEMBER THE ARMY TRAINING?"
+
+_Tramp._ "THAT I DO, MUM. HAVEN'T FORGOTTEN A SINGLE WORD O' COMMAND."
+
+_Mrs. T.A._ "THEN, ABOUT--TURN! QUICK--MARCH!"]
+
+
+
+
+
+
+End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol.
+158, March 10th, 1920, by Various
+
+*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH, OR THE LONDON ***
+
+***** This file should be named 16364-8.txt or 16364-8.zip *****
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+  <meta http-equiv="Content-Type" content="text/html; charset=iso-8859-1" />
+
+  <title>Punch, March 10th, 1920.</title>
+
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+<pre>
+
+The Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 158,
+March 10th, 1920, by Various
+
+This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with
+almost no restrictions whatsoever.  You may copy it, give it away or
+re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included
+with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org
+
+
+Title: Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 158, March 10th, 1920
+
+Author: Various
+
+Release Date: July 27, 2005 [EBook #16364]
+
+Language: English
+
+Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1
+
+*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH, OR THE LONDON ***
+
+
+
+
+Produced by Jonathan Ingram, Keith Edkins and the Online
+Distributed Proofreading Team at https://www.pgdp.net
+
+
+
+
+
+
+</pre>
+
+ <h1>PUNCH,<br />
+  OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.</h1>
+
+  <h2>Vol. 158.</h2>
+  <hr class="full" />
+
+  <h2>March 10th, 1920.</h2>
+  <hr class="full" />
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="page181" id="page181"></a>[pg 181]</span>
+
+<h2>CHARIVARIA.</h2>
+
+  <p>There are one hundred thousand more people living in London than in
+  New York. But they are only just living.</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+  <p>"The Home Rule Bill," says <i>The Irish Unionist Alliance</i>, "would,
+  if put into operation, cause friction in Ireland." We are sorry to hear
+  this, for friction is the last thing we want to see in Ireland.</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+  <p><font class="sc">M. Grabski</font>, who has just asked for the loan of
+  three thousand million francs, is the Polish Minister of Finance. Yet
+  people say there is nothing in a name.</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+  <p>A Welsh Prohibition Bill is suggested. We think it should be pointed
+  out that the Welsh language is natural and not due to
+  over-indulgence.</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+  <p><font class="sc">Dempsey</font>, the American Boxer, is to be charged
+  with "draft-dodging." The other charge of <font
+  class="sc">Cochran</font>-dodging will not be proceeded with.</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+  <p>Gold in the mouth, says the American Academy of Dental Science, is out
+  of date. Much the same applies to gold in the pocket.</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+  <p>We understand that an American syndicate has been formed for the
+  purpose of acquiring the sole rights in a suit of clothes by a London
+  tailor.</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+  <p>American whisky is said to create in consumers a desire to climb
+  trees. British whisky, on the other hand, seems to create in the
+  Americans a desire to cross the Atlantic.</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+  <p>With reference to the road-mender who fell down last week and injured
+  himself an explanation has now been given. It appears that the colleague
+  next to him must have moved.</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+  <p>No fewer than twenty-seven poems on Spring have been received by one
+  weekly paper editor. Yet there are people who still maintain that the
+  crime wave is on the wane.</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+  <p>"The Irish swear by two staple beverages," says <i>The Daily Mail</i>.
+  We feel, however, that an Irishman who was really trying could swear by
+  more than this.</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+  <p>We understand that the Foreign Office takes a serious view of the
+  large number of public-houses which have been burgled during the last few
+  weeks. It is feared that it may be the work of a foreign spy who is
+  endeavouring to secure the recipe of British Government ale.</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+  <p>"A large number of army tanks have been sent to Africa," announces an
+  article in a daily paper. However, as the brontosaurus is supposed to
+  devour four of these delicacies at every meal, it is feared that unless a
+  great many more are sent out immediately this dainty animal may be faced
+  with extermination.</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+  <p>A morning paper announces that all airships of "R 34" type are now
+  obsolete. We have decided to stick a pin in each of ours.</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+  <p>From Ireland comes the pleasing news that the wife of a well-known
+  Sinn Feiner has just presented her husband with a little bomberette.</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+  <p>Since the publication of Professor <font class="sc">Keith's</font>
+  statistics of efficiency, showing the superiority of the physical
+  condition of miners over that of almost every other class of worker, the
+  argument, so popular with the advocates of nationalisation, that a
+  miner's occupation is a most unhealthy one, has been given a rest.</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+  <p>"I doubt if even the youngest child to-day will live to see the real
+  fruits of the War," said the Bishop of Lincoln last week. Another
+  unmerited slight on the O.B.E.</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+  <p>"Visitors to the Zoo," says <i>The Daily Mail</i>, "should not miss
+  the rare spectacle of the highest five animals under one roof&mdash;the
+  gorilla, the chimpanzee, the orang-outang, the gibbon and man." Naturally
+  everybody is asking, "Who is the lucky man?"</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+  <p>A merciless campaign against rats is to be waged by the inhabitants of
+  a large Yorkshire town. This is supposed to be the outcome of the
+  continued indifference with which these rodents have treated the many
+  propaganda campaigns which the town has organised.</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+  <p>Liverpool City Council is to consider the appointment of women
+  park-keepers. In support it is urged that when it comes to persuading a
+  paper bag to go along quietly the superior tact of a woman is bound to
+  tell.</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+  <p>Arrangements for the continuation of the Food Ministry, it is stated,
+  are still incomplete. It would be a thousand pities if a mere abundance
+  of food should lead to the disappearance of this valuable department.</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+  <p>"Will the gentlemen on the Allied Surrender List," says the <i>Berlin
+  Official Gazette</i>, "inform the German authorities of their address?"
+  This is a typical piece of Teutonic duplicity. There are, of course, no
+  gentlemen on the List.</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+  <p>The chiffchaff has been heard in Hampshire and a couple of
+  road-peckers were observed last week hovering in the neighbourhood of
+  Wellington Street.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+  <div class="figcenter" style="width:50%;">
+      <a href="images/172.png"><img width="100%" src="images/172.png"
+      alt="" /></a>
+    <p><i>Holiday-maker</i> (<i>in difficulties.</i>) "<font class="sc">Oh,
+    dash it! There goes that letter my wife gave me to post a week
+    ago.</font>"</p>
+  </div>
+<hr />
+
+<h4>Another Impending Apology.</h4>
+
+  <blockquote>
+  <p>"Principal &mdash;&mdash; said there was a historical connection
+  between the Royal Asylum for the Insane and the University of
+  Edinburgh."&mdash;<i>Scots Paper.</i></p>
+
+  </blockquote>
+<hr class="short" />
+
+  <blockquote>
+  <p>"The British rule in India is as savage as that of the Turk in
+  Armenia."&mdash;<i>Washington Times.</i></p>
+
+  </blockquote>
+  <p>Not the "<i>George</i> Washington Times," you'll note.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="page182" id="page182"></a>[pg 182]</span>
+
+<h2>MEN AND THINGS OF THE MOMENT.</h2>
+
+  <blockquote>
+  <p>[Mr. Punch cannot hold himself responsible for the views expressed in
+  the following correspondence.]</p>
+
+  </blockquote>
+<p class="center"><font class="sc">The Mallaby-Deeley Emporium.</font></p>
+
+  <p><font class="sc">Dear Mr. Punch</font>,&mdash;I want you to use your
+  influence with that great philanthropist, Mr. <font
+  class="sc">Mallaby-Deeley</font>. I know that he is too modest to claim
+  to be a benefactor of the race, but I am at least right in calling him
+  "Mr.," for that is how he describes himself on his shop-window, and he
+  would never have done that if he had not desired to avoid confusion with
+  the common tradesman. Well, I want you to enlist his powerful sympathy in
+  the cause of the struggling middle classes, to which body I belong. I
+  refer particularly to our crying need for dinner-jackets at reasonable
+  prices. I am one of those who spend their holidays at seaside hotels,
+  where people make a point of dressing for dinner in the hope of giving
+  their fellow-guests the impression that this is their daily habit in the
+  home circle. In view of the early advent of Spring I approached my
+  tailor, the other day, with inquiries as to the cost of an abbreviated
+  dinner-suit. His prices were as follows:&mdash;jacket £10 10<i>s.</i>
+  0<i>d.</i>; waistcoat £3 3<i>s.</i> 0<i>d.</i>; trousers £4 10<i>s.</i>
+  0<i>d.</i>; total £18 3<i>s.</i> 0<i>d.</i> I am old enough to recall the
+  time when the most <i>élite</i> tailors of Savile Row charged no more
+  than £10 10<i>s.</i> 0<i>d.</i> for a complete evening costume,
+  uncurtailed.</p>
+
+  <p>I am all for the cheap supply of "gentlemen's lounge-suits" for the
+  so-called working-classes to lounge in. I know of no surer antidote to
+  the spirit of Bolshevism. But let us not forget the claims of the middle
+  classes, who are the backbone of the Empire. If Mr. <font
+  class="sc">Mallaby-Deeley</font> cannot help us in the direction I have
+  indicated, then let Mr. <font class="sc">Kennedy Jones</font>, on behalf
+  of the Middle Class Union, put a hyphen to his name and open a shop for
+  the sale of evening wear at demi-popular prices.</p>
+
+  <div class="poem">
+    <div class="stanza">
+      <p>Yours faithfully,</p>
+      <p><font class="sc">Surbitonian</font>.</p>
+    </div>
+  </div>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+  <p><font class="sc">Dear Mr. Punch</font>,&mdash;It would be a thousand
+  pities if Mr. <font class="sc">Mallaby-Deeley's</font> beneficent scheme
+  should fail for lack of advertisement. Could you not persuade your
+  colleagues of the Press to publish from day to day the route of his car's
+  progress from his private residence (or the terminus from which he
+  debouches) to his place of business, as in the case of the new Member for
+  Paisley? My only fear is that the Coalition Government might be suspected
+  of adopting the Wee Free methods of publicity for political ends; but
+  this would surely be an unworthy suspicion in the case of a movement
+  designed for the benefit not of a party, but of mankind.</p>
+
+  <div class="poem">
+    <div class="stanza">
+      <p>Yours faithfully,</p>
+      <p><font class="sc">Stage Manager</font>.</p>
+    </div>
+  </div>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+<p class="center"><font class="sc">The Decline of Learning.</font></p>
+
+  <p><font class="sc">Dear Sir</font>,&mdash;I look for your sympathy when
+  I say that I regard the abolition of compulsory Greek at Oxford as
+  tantamount to the collapse of the last bulwark of British Culture. It is
+  idle for the advocates of this act of vandalism to protest that the
+  spirit of Ancient Hellas can be adequately conveyed in the form of
+  translations, and to illustrate this futile argument by reference to the
+  authorised version of the Hebrew Scriptures. Admirable as that version
+  may be, is it for a moment to be supposed that it can take the place of
+  the original as a source of spiritual education? or that our appreciation
+  of Holy Writ would not be a hundred-fold increased if it were fortified
+  by a knowledge of the first principles of Hebraic syntax and by an
+  elementary acquaintance with Hebraic composition. It is impossible to
+  estimate the influence of such knowledge in tending to endear the Bible
+  to our youth. To me indeed it has always been incomprehensible that our
+  Prelates, who presumably have the welfare of the Church at heart, have
+  never insisted on making Hebrew a compulsory subject for Responsions.</p>
+
+  <p>And now Greek has gone and Oxford is the home of one more lost cause.
+  The gods (of the gallery) may be with the winners, but it is the losing
+  side that still appeals to</p>
+
+  <div class="poem">
+    <div class="stanza">
+      <p>Yours incorruptibly,</p>
+      <p><font class="sc">Cato</font>.</p>
+    </div>
+  </div>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+<p class="center">"<font class="sc"><i>The Times'</i> Flight.</font>"</p>
+
+  <p><font class="sc">Dear Mr. Punch</font>,&mdash;His many friends (among
+  whom I take leave to count myself) will heartily sympathise with Dr.
+  <font class="sc">Chalmers Mitchell</font> on the engine troubles he has
+  passed through, culminating in the enforced curtailment of his scientific
+  expedition. It is gratifying to think that the pure and lofty spirit of
+  research which animated the great newspaper-proprietor who sent him forth
+  on this mission has been vindicated by the Doctor's discovery of an
+  unmapped volcano. Regrettably the conditions under which he observed it
+  precluded him from making an expert survey of it, and even from securing
+  specimens of its geological structure. The possibility of such an
+  unfortunate contingency, which may have escaped the consideration of the
+  promoter of the expedition, was recognised by other scientists. But it
+  was confidently expected by his Zoological <i>confrères</i> that his
+  voyage of exploration would add largely to our knowledge of the habits
+  and customs of the fauna of Africa, and notably of the giraffe, as
+  coming, by the exceptional development of its neck, within closest range
+  of his vision as he flew through the vast inane.</p>
+
+  <p>Even better opportunities for the observation of animal life would, it
+  was thought, occur during the occasional intervals spent on <i>terra
+  firma</i> for purposes of repose or repair. And indeed one is greatly
+  intrigued by the following terse and airmanlike entry in the log for
+  February 20th: "Much disturbed by lions." Nothing is said of the actual
+  capture of one of these interesting denizens of the jungle, but reference
+  to such a feat might well have been omitted out of regard for brevity. Is
+  it too much to hope that the enterprise of <i>The Times</i> may yet be
+  rewarded by the addition of a live lion to the Zoological Gardens?</p>
+
+  <p>In any case, by the exceptional opportunities he enjoyed for a careful
+  study of leaking cylinder jackets, insulating tape, red-leaded joints and
+  missing engines the intrepid Doctor must have added largely to his
+  knowledge of mechanical science, to say nothing of the botanical
+  discoveries he made when his machine came within a few inches of contact
+  with a banana-tree.</p>
+
+  <p>I, for one, look forward eagerly to his return, when he will be able
+  to narrate his experience with a fulness and freedom of language
+  impossible in cabled despatches.</p>
+
+  <div class="poem">
+    <div class="stanza">
+      <p>Yours faithfully,</p>
+      <p><font class="sc">Stanley Livingstone Jones</font>.</p>
+    </div>
+  </div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<h4>A "Malade Imaginaire"?</h4>
+
+  <blockquote>
+  <p>"Bath-chair wanted, small lady good condition."&mdash;<i>Ladies'
+  Paper.</i></p>
+
+  </blockquote>
+<hr class="short" />
+
+<h4>A Choice of Sinecures.</h4>
+
+  <blockquote>
+  <p>"<font class="sc">Lady-Nurse-Help</font>; three girls (12, 10, eight);
+  two maids kept; month's holiday (fortnightly); salary
+  £40."&mdash;<i>Daily Paper.</i></p>
+
+  <p>"<font class="sc">Wanted</font>, a Housemaid, wages 27s. 6d., no
+  duties."&mdash;<i>New Zealand Paper.</i></p>
+
+  </blockquote>
+<hr class="short" />
+
+  <blockquote>
+  <p>"Lady would like to Join jolly Family for Dinner every
+  night."&mdash;<i>Advt. in Daily Paper.</i></p>
+
+  </blockquote>
+  <p>Yes, but how long would they remain jolly?</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+  <blockquote>
+  <p>"Windsor Castle Niggers, from His Majesty's Chapel Royal, gave an
+  excellent programme."&mdash;<i>Local Paper.</i></p>
+
+  </blockquote>
+  <p>The programme merely announced them as "Windsor Castle Singers," but
+  this no doubt was to give the audience a greater surprise.</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+  <blockquote>
+  <p>"The revival of the Hunt Ball, and the intelligence that the Race Ball
+  is also to be re-introduced next month, has restored the &mdash;&mdash;
+  dance season to its pre-war brilliance. The Hunt event passed off with
+  <i>éclair</i>."&mdash;<i>Local Paper.</i></p>
+
+  </blockquote>
+  <p>Supper seems to have been all right, anyhow.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="page183" id="page183"></a>[pg 183]</span>
+
+  <div class="figcenter" style="width:100%;">
+      <a href="images/174.png"><img width="100%" src="images/174.png"
+      alt="" /></a>
+    <h3>A CONVERTED SPIRIT.</h3>
+
+    <p><font class="sc">Genius of Alcohol.</font> "AND TO THINK THAT I WAS
+    ONCE REGARDED AS AN IMPEDIMENT TO LOCOMOTION!"</p>
+  </div>
+<hr />
+
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="page184" id="page184"></a>[pg 184]</span>
+
+  <div class="figcenter" style="width:100%;">
+      <a href="images/175.png"><img width="100%" src="images/175.png"
+      alt="" /></a>
+    <i>Mayfair Copper.</i> "<font class="sc">Now then, get a move on,
+    Tarzan. This ain't a monkey neighbourhood.</font>"
+  </div>
+<hr />
+
+<h2>WON ON THE POSTS.</h2>
+
+<p class="center">(<i>With the British Army in France.</i>)</p>
+
+  <p>The decisive victory of the Racing Club de Petiteville&mdash;late the
+  <i>deuxième équipage</i> of the Sportif Club de Petiteville&mdash;over
+  the <i>troisième équipage</i> of the Société Athlétique de Pont Neuf
+  would not appear to have any bearing on the washing of Percival's collars
+  and pyjamas; but, according to Elfred Fry, there was a poignant
+  connection between the two.</p>
+
+  <p>When the Sportif Club received the challenge they doubted whether to
+  accept it, as the Société Athlétique was rumoured to include several
+  veterans approaching fifteen years of age and of tremendous physique. On
+  being conceded the choice of ground, however, they took up the gage and
+  trained and practised with such vigour that two days before the date of
+  the match Georges Darré, right back, punted his toe through a previously
+  suspected weak spot in the ball and irreparably ruined it. The Société
+  Athlétique was informed of the disaster and asked to supply a ball, but
+  they answered that no known authority or precedent existed for visiting
+  teams providing the accessories. There was also an insinuation that the
+  story of the burst ball was a fabrication, designed to give the Sportif
+  Club a loophole of escape from a contest that spelt certain defeat.</p>
+
+  <p>Stung to the quick, the <i>deuxième équipage</i> made an urgent appeal
+  to the <i>premier équipage</i> of the Sportif Club, who replied that this
+  was the first intimation they had had of the existence of a <i>deuxième
+  équipage</i>, and recommended a tourney at marbles or a combat of
+  peg-tops as being more suitable to their tender years.</p>
+
+  <p>Naturally this insult could not be brooked, and it was decided to
+  break away from the parent body and reorganise under the title of the
+  Racing Club de Petiteville; but this did not help them to solve the
+  question of a new ball. Then it was that Théo Navet, left half, and son
+  of the <i>blanchisseuse</i> in the rue Napoléon, had an inspiration, and
+  Percival's pyjamas became linked up with the destinies of the club.</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+  <p>"It wouldn't surprise me, Sir," said Elfred on the evening when
+  Petiteville was ringing with the news of the Racing Club's victory by 4
+  <i>buts</i> to 2, "if you are the only officer in Mess to-night with a
+  reelly clean collar."</p>
+
+  <p>"And why am I singled out for so much honour?" asked Percival, taking
+  the slacks which Elfred produced from between the mattresses. "Has the
+  Washer-women's Union handed in notices and made a complimentary exception
+  in my case?"</p>
+
+  <p>"Well, Sir, you <i>'ave</i> been favoured, but it weren't a strike,"
+  explained Elfred. "You know, Sir, there's been an alarming short ration
+  of coal an' fuel down in the village for a long time, an' two days ago
+  Madame Navet, who does the orficers' washing, came up an' said she was
+  bokoo fashay but the washing was napood for the week, becos she couldn't
+  buy, beg, borrer nor steal enough fuel to keep her copper biling.... Do
+  we wear the yaller boots to-night, Sir, or the <i>very</i> yaller
+  ones?"</p>
+
+  <p>"The light pair," said Percival, "to give tone to the clean collar.
+  But go on."</p>
+
+  <p>"Well, I put it to Madame as my orficer was a very partickler gent,
+  an' she'd gotter do our washing even if she 'ad to light 'er fire with
+  the family dresser. She said she was desolated; <span class="pagenum"><a
+  name="page185" id="page185"></a>[pg 185]</span> she 'adn't sufficient
+  coal to take the chill off a mouchoir. I thought of trying to borrer a
+  sack for 'er from the quarter bloke, but our relations 'ave never been
+  the same since the time I took my weekly ration of 'Pink Princesses' back
+  an' arsked 'im to change 'em for cigarettes with a bit o' tobacco in.</p>
+
+  <p>"After she'd gone I took a kit inventory 'an found we was down to our
+  last clean collar, an' we looked like bein' a bit grubby in the matter of
+  pyjamas. I went a walk to the canteen to think it over, an' on my way
+  Madame's lad came up an' said 'is team 'ad an important match for two
+  days later an' could I possibly oblige 'em with a football. Being a
+  sportsman&mdash;I take a franc chance in the camp football sweep every
+  week&mdash;I said I'd try what I could do, knowin' of a ball which me an'
+  the other batmen punt about in our rare hintervals of leisure. But then
+  the thought of that washing that wasn't washed came into my mind.</p>
+
+  <p>"'See 'ere, Meredith,' I says. 'Je voo donneray a ball si votre mère
+  does our washing toot sweet.'"</p>
+
+  <p>"'E looked blue at this an' said they couldn't get fuel nohow.</p>
+
+  <p>"'Compree scrounge?' says I.</p>
+
+  <p>"It seems 'e did. It seems scrounging for fuel 'ad reached such a
+  pitch in the village that people took their backyard fences in at night,
+  'an they 'ad posted a policeman on the station to prevent 'em sawing away
+  the waiting-room. But our washing 'ad to be done, 'an I thought if I got
+  the whole of this football team scrounging they might find something as
+  everyone else 'ad overlooked. So I pretended to be indifferink.</p>
+
+  <p>"'Very well,' says I. 'San fairy ann. Napoo washing&mdash;napoo
+  ball.'</p>
+
+  <p>"That set 'em to work. Next day little boys were scraping the village
+  over like fowls in a farmyard, getting a chip 'ere an' a shaving there,
+  an' making themselves such a nuisance that there was talk of calling the
+  gendarmerie out. They would 'ave done, too, only he'd laid down for a nap
+  an' left strict orders 'e wasn't to be disturbed. Then they slipped into
+  the Camp, trying to lay nefarious 'ands on empty ration boxes, but the
+  Camp police spotted 'em an' chivied them off. I never seen our police so
+  exhausted as they were at the end of that day.</p>
+
+  <p>"'I can't think what's taken the little varmints,' said the
+  Provost-Sergeant. 'It ain't the Fifth of November.'</p>
+
+  <p>"On the whole it wasn't a good day's 'unting, but this morning I was
+  waited on by a deputation wearing striped jerseys, which they appeared to
+  'ave put on at early dawn. They said the fire was lit under the copper,
+  'an could they 'ave the ball?</p>
+
+  <p>"'Doucemong!' says I. 'Allay along, an' let's see the fire first.'</p>
+
+  <p>"Yes, it were lit, but only just. The water was lukewarm an' the fuel
+  'ad nearly all burned away, an' Madame was standing looking at it
+  hopelessly.</p>
+
+  <p>"'Pas bong,' says I to the lads. 'Pas assay chaud. Voo scroungerez
+  ongcore.'</p>
+
+  <p>"They was frantic, becos it was nearly match time. I felt inclined to
+  give 'em the ball, but the thought of you, Sir, in a dirty
+  collar&mdash;"</p>
+
+  <p>"You may keep the pair of old riding-breeches you borrowed without
+  permission," interrupted Percy.</p>
+
+  <p>"Thank you, Sir. Then all at once the lads 'ad a confab an' went away,
+  an' in a few minutes they was back with some lovely straight planed props
+  of timber, an' they chopped 'em up in a jiffy 'an got the fire roaring
+  'ot, an' I gave 'em the ball, an' your collars is done an' the rest of
+  your things is out drying an' will be finished to-morrow."</p>
+
+  <p>"Of course I'm grateful," said Percival. "You might tell your young
+  friends I'm willing to be a vice-president of their club&mdash;on the
+  usual terms. What's the name of it?"</p>
+
+  <p>"They tell me it's called 'The Racing Club,'" said Elfred. "But I
+  think, Sir, you'd better give your subscription to the other club in the
+  village&mdash;'The Sportif Club.' You see, Sir, they 'ad a match on
+  to-day as well, an' when they arrived on the ground they found someone
+  'ad been and scrounged their goal-posts!"</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+  <div class="figcenter" style="width:66%;">
+      <a href="images/176.png"><img width="100%" src="images/176.png"
+      alt="" /></a>
+    <p>"<font class="sc">I say, excuse me, dear old top, but you mustn't
+    wear that gunner tie now you're demobbed. It simply isn't
+    done!</font>"</p>
+  </div>
+<hr />
+
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="page186" id="page186"></a>[pg 186]</span>
+
+<h2>THE ANNIVERSARY.</h2>
+
+  <p>Having unexpectedly retained possession of my seat in the Tube the
+  other evening I over-read myself and ran past my station, so it was
+  rather late when I reached home.</p>
+
+  <p>"Hullo!" I called out cheerily.</p>
+
+  <p>"Hullo!" echoed Margaret in a flat sort of voice; "you back?"</p>
+
+  <p>I refrained from facetiousness and told her that I was.</p>
+
+  <p>"Oh!" she said.</p>
+
+  <p>"Well, well, Margaret," I said in a bright and bustling manner, "we
+  haven't got on very well so far, have we? Can't you think of some subject
+  on which we can conduct a conversation in words of more than one
+  syllable? The skilful hostess should so frame her questions that not even
+  the shyest visitor can fall back on a simple Yes or No. Now," I
+  continued, spreading myself luxuriously over the chesterfield, "you know
+  how shy I am. Try to draw me out, dear. I'm waiting."</p>
+
+  <p>I lit a cigarette. Margaret looked reproachfully at me.</p>
+
+  <p>"What was yesterday?" she said.</p>
+
+  <p>"Tuesday, my dear. We will now have a little chat about Tuesday.
+  Coming as it does so soon after Monday, it not unnaturally
+  exhibits&mdash;"</p>
+
+  <p>"Tuesday the 25th of February," said Margaret solemnly.</p>
+
+  <p>"Possibly, my dear, possibly. But I cannot say that I find your
+  remarks very interesting. They may be true, or they may not, but they
+  certainly seem to me to lack that agreeable whimsicality usually so
+  characteristic of you."</p>
+
+  <p>"Our wedding-day," said Margaret impressively.</p>
+
+  <p>"Was it really?" I said in a whisper. "And you let it pass without
+  reminding me. Oh, how could you?"</p>
+
+  <p>Margaret smiled.</p>
+
+  <p>"I didn't think of it till this morning&mdash;after you had gone," she
+  said.</p>
+
+  <p>We both smiled. Then we laughed.</p>
+
+  <p>"You know, we really are a dreadful couple." I said. "Your fault is
+  greater than mine, though. I'll tell you why. Everyone knows that a
+  man&mdash;especially a manly man&mdash;" I tugged my moustache and let my
+  biceps out for a run&mdash;"never remembers anniversaries, whereas a
+  woman&mdash;a womanly woman&mdash;does." Here I plucked a daffodil from a
+  bowl near by and tucked it coyly behind her ear.</p>
+
+  <p>"It really is rather awful of us." Margaret restored the daffodil to
+  its young companions. "We've only been married three years, too, and yet
+  already&mdash;" She threw out her arms in a hopeless gesture.</p>
+
+  <p>"Still," I said presently, with my hand full of her hand&mdash;"still
+  I daresay we shall get used to it in time&mdash;forgetting the day, I
+  mean. After about the fourth lapse there will be hardly any sting in our
+  little piece of annual forgetfulness."</p>
+
+  <p>"We mustn't forget to remember we've forgotten it, though, Gerald, so
+  that we can test the waning powers of the sting."</p>
+
+  <p>"I can see this habit growing on us," I said dreamily; "a few more
+  years and we shall forget we are married even. I shall come home one
+  day&mdash;provided I remember where we live&mdash;and be horrified to
+  find <i>you</i> established in my house and using my sealing-wax. Or
+  maybe I shall arrive with some little offering of early rhubarb or forced
+  artichokes only to be sternly ordered away by a wife who does not
+  recognise me. 'Please take your greens round to the tradesmen's
+  entrance,' you will say coldly."</p>
+
+  <p>"I think," said Margaret, "that we ought to be extra nice to each
+  other now, seeing how short our married life may be. Let's begin at once.
+  You let me tidy your desk every day for you and&mdash;"</p>
+
+  <p>"Won't twice a week satisfy you?" I asked desperately.</p>
+
+  <p>"Perhaps; and anyway"&mdash;she put a little packet into my
+  hand&mdash;"here's <i>my</i> present to you, even though you did forget
+  yesterday."</p>
+
+  <p>"You are a dear, Margaret. And now I'll tell you something. It
+  was&mdash;"</p>
+
+  <p>Just then James came in and announced dinner. James is all our staff;
+  but her other name is Keziah, so we had no choice.</p>
+
+  <p>As we sat down I took a small box out of my pocket.</p>
+
+  <p>"Give this to your mistress, please," I said to James.</p>
+
+  <p>"O-o-o. How ripping of you, Gerald! So you did remember, after
+  all."</p>
+
+  <p>"As soon as I got to the station this morning," I said, "I remembered
+  that our wedding-day was to-day."</p>
+
+  <p>Margaret lifted her eyebrows at me. "To-day?"</p>
+
+  <p>"Yes. You are a little behind&mdash;or in front of&mdash;the times,
+  I'm afraid. The twenty-fifth was a Tuesday last year, but it's trying
+  Wednesday for a change now. Many Happy Returns of the Day, dear."</p>
+
+  <p>We both laughed.</p>
+
+  <p>"Now let's look at our presents," said Margaret happily.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<h2>DORA AT THE PLAY.</h2>
+
+  <blockquote>
+  <p>["You cannot buy a cigarette, or an ice, or a box of chocolates in a
+  theatre after eight o'clock&mdash;by order of D.O.R.A."&mdash;<i>Advt.
+  passim.</i>]</p>
+
+  </blockquote>
+  <div class="poem">
+    <div class="stanza">
+      <p>Attentive swain, whose lady has commanded you to be at her</p>
+      <p>Disposal as an escort on a visit to the theatre,</p>
+      <p>I give you precious doctrine that is certainly worth sticking to,</p>
+      <p>At least as long as Dora is alive on earth and kicking too.</p>
+    </div>
+
+    <div class="stanza">
+      <p>If you would keep your fair companion satisfied and cheery, some</p>
+      <p>Provision must be made to fill the intervals so wearisome,</p>
+      <p>For many a gallant fellow has discovered with a shock o' late</p>
+      <p>That after 8 <font class="sc">p.m.</font> it's still a crime to sell a chocolate.</p>
+    </div>
+
+    <div class="stanza">
+      <p>Though you may haunt the bar till ten and confidently mutter "Scotch,"</p>
+      <p><i>She</i> may not even clamour for a humble slab of butterscotch,</p>
+      <p>And should the heat suggest an ice&mdash;may I be rolled out flat if I</p>
+      <p>Distort the truth&mdash;it's courting gaol that harmless wish to gratify.</p>
+    </div>
+
+    <div class="stanza">
+      <p>As for yourself, if you should yearn for blest tobacco's medium</p>
+      <p>In those long waits between the Acts to while away the tedium,</p>
+      <p>And find you're out of cigarettes, remember that to sell any</p>
+      <p>A minute past the fatal hour is counted as a felony.</p>
+    </div>
+
+    <div class="stanza">
+      <p>Unless the pair of you affect the life ascetic, you'll</p>
+      <p>Be well advised to carry in a hamper or a reticule</p>
+      <p>A goodly store of provender, both smokeable and eatable,</p>
+      <p>For Dora's in the saddle yet and seemingly unseatable.</p>
+    </div>
+  </div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<h4>Broody.</h4>
+
+  <blockquote>
+  <p>"Will the Imperial Government hen proceed to a new conquest of
+  Southern Ireland?"&mdash;<i>Daily Paper.</i></p>
+
+  </blockquote>
+  <p>No, we expect it will be left sitting.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+  <blockquote>
+<p class="center">"HIDDEN MUMMIES.</p>
+
+  <p>The Museum authorities are receiving numerous inquiries when the
+  mummies will be on view, particularly for school
+  children."&mdash;<i>Daily Paper.</i></p>
+
+  </blockquote>
+  <p>We hope that the N.S.P.C.C. will see to it that all mummies are
+  allowed to return to their families without further delay.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="page187" id="page187"></a>[pg 187]</span>
+
+  <div class="figcenter" style="width:100%;">
+      <a href="images/178.png"><img width="100%" src="images/178.png"
+      alt="" /></a>
+    <h3>MANNERS AND MODES.</h3>
+
+    <p class="center">THEN AND NOW.</p>
+
+    <p>[<i>From an Early-Victorian pocket "Etiquette for
+    Gentlemen</i>":&mdash;"If you so far forget what is elegant as to smoke
+    in the street or park, at least never omit to fling away your cigar if
+    you speak to a lady."]</p>
+  </div>
+<hr />
+
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="page188" id="page188"></a>[pg 188]</span>
+
+  <div class="figcenter" style="width:100%;">
+      <a href="images/179.png"><img width="100%" src="images/179.png"
+      alt="" /></a>
+    <h3>BEHIND THE SCENES IN CINEMA-LAND.</h3>
+
+    <p>IT IS A TERRIBLE MOMENT FOR THE FILM ACTOR WHEN HE REALISES THAT HE
+    IS GETTING TOO FAT TO PLAY HERO, AND NOT FAT ENOUGH TO BE FUNNY.</p>
+  </div>
+<hr />
+
+<h2>GOLF NOTES.</h2>
+
+<p class="center">(<i>With acknowledgments to Mr. A.C.M.
+Croome.</i>)</p>
+
+<p class="center"><font class="sc">Approaching.</font></p>
+
+  <p><font class="sc">Taylor</font>&mdash;or was it <font class="sc">James
+  Braid</font>?&mdash;begins one of his classic and illuminating chapters
+  with the quotation "<i>Ex pede Herculem</i>," nor can even we of the
+  Oxford and Cambridge Golfing Society venture to differ from so eminent an
+  authority or grudge him so apt a phrase. <i>Verb. sap.</i> and, let me
+  add, <i>sat</i>. To those, few perhaps in actual reckoning (though I,
+  wearing of right the wine-dark vesture&mdash;were there half Blues in
+  <font class="sc">Homer's</font> time?&mdash;cannot compete with <font
+  class="sc">John Low</font> <i>et hoc genus omne</i>, Cantabs confessed,
+  in the prestidigitation of numerals and weird signs of values)&mdash;to
+  those, then, few, but of many parts appreciative, who followed a certain
+  foursome at Addington last week, my premiss should be intrinsically
+  incontrovertible. Partner, whom I had "made" with a drive well and truly
+  apportioned&mdash;<i>ex carne ictum</i>&mdash;partner, after much
+  self-searching and mental recursion to the maxims of <font class="sc">Tom
+  Morris</font> and <font class="sc">La Rouchefoucauld</font>, took his
+  ball on the&mdash;<i>O horribile dictu</i> (or shall I say <i>horresco
+  referens</i>?)&mdash;well, to be meticulously exact, partner shanked it.
+  And it is just here that those who have also enjoyed a University
+  education will pick up&mdash;even as partner failed to do&mdash;what I,
+  who write, am driving at.</p>
+
+  <p>Remembering how dear old W.G.&mdash;in those halcyon days when
+  Gloucester was worthy of the cheese whereof she is now so chary a
+  producer&mdash;used to score with that heavy cut between point and cover,
+  I too, greatly daring, cut it and laid it (the ball, not the cheese)
+  dead. <i>De mortuis</i> ... For assuredly it <i>was</i> good.</p>
+
+  <p>The one adornment of this episode should have been a quotation from
+  <font class="sc">Aristophanes</font>. It is not, however, given to all
+  men always to remember. <i>Non cuivis</i>, in fact.</p>
+
+<p class="center"><font class="sc">Of Impact.</font></p>
+
+  <p>It was at the ensuing consumption of Bohea, or of its substitute as
+  provided by a paternal Government, that one of the party, with the
+  rashness of a <i>d'Artagnan</i>, reverted to the question of weight of
+  clubs. <font class="sc">Abe Mitchell's</font> driver, of course, gave him
+  a handle; but himself he, unaided, gave away. For it is not to be boasted
+  by every man that he has been blessed with an <i>Alma Mater</i>, and that
+  consequently logic is to him even as hair and teeth&mdash;save only that
+  these twain be not false. For, said this unhappy wight, increase the
+  weight and the corollary is length increased.</p>
+
+  <p>Then arose a certain justly eminent author, whose list of tales is
+  equalled only by the tale of his handicap, and demonstrably discounted
+  weight without pace.</p>
+
+  <p>It was then agreed that a test <i>ad hominem</i> should be applied,
+  and that the result of such test should determine the individuality of
+  him who should settle with our Ganymede. Partner and I
+  pushed&mdash;<i>gemitu et fremitu</i>&mdash;a bulky sideboard against a
+  paper ball. The inertia of the object was barely overcome.</p>
+
+  <p>Then the man of letters flicked it across the room with finger and
+  thumb. And the original theorist became the poorer by the commercial
+  estimate of four teas and jam.</p>
+
+<p class="center"><font class="sc">Putting.</font></p>
+
+  <p>It has been said elsewhere, yet may not therefore be wholly lacking in
+  elemental veracity, that putting is the devil. Systems more numerous than
+  dactyls and spondees in Classic verse, patent putters outnumbered only by
+  howlers in Oxford responsions, bear witness to this graceless statement.
+  Quite lately in these columns have I confessed&mdash;<i>pulvere
+  cineribusque</i>&mdash;that our side had twice failed at the
+  inconsiderable <span class="pagenum"><a name="page189"
+  id="page189"></a>[pg 189]</span> distance of two yards, even after
+  discarding the small thirty-two. But that further confession will be
+  forthcoming is now wildly and preposterously problematical. For I have
+  discovered the true exorcism for demoniac influence in putting. It is
+  this: First catch your putter. Put the whole length of the shaft up your
+  sleeve. Then&mdash;but I must retain something for next Saturday's notes,
+  and, besides, I fancy the secretary of the Club where I am inditing these
+  words has his frugal eye on the consumption of the note-paper. But what I
+  have written I have written. <i>Litera scripta manet.</i></p>
+
+<hr />
+
+  <div class="figcenter" style="width:100%;">
+      <a href="images/180.png"><img width="100%" src="images/180.png"
+      alt="" /></a>
+    <p><i>Eminent London Architect</i> (<i>submitting his designs to our
+    Village Victory Memorial Committee and warming to his work</i>).
+    "...<font class="sc">and, surmounting the whole, a graceful figure of
+    Victory, with wreath&mdash;so.</font>"</p>
+  </div>
+<hr />
+
+<h2>THE COALITION OF 1950.</h2>
+
+  <p>"Aren't you being rather badly hit by the price of tobacco?" I asked
+  Charles, whose pipe is a kind of extra limb to him.</p>
+
+  <p>"I have just been composing the plot of a novel," he replied with
+  apparent irrelevance. "It begins something like this:&mdash;</p>
+
+  <p>"'Slowly and softly the violet dusk set in. The beautiful young
+  Première stood at the window of her yellow-and-black boudoir, gazing a
+  little wistfully at the almost deserted pavements of Downing Street. A
+  white pigeon perched&mdash;'"</p>
+
+  <p>"They aren't white," I said; "they're a sort of purply pinky
+  grey."</p>
+
+  <p>"All right," said Charles, unmoved, "only it rather spoils the
+  sentence. 'A sort of purply pinky grey pigeon perched
+  pompously&mdash;'"</p>
+
+  <p>"Never mind the pigeon," I said, "tell me what was the trouble with
+  the B.Y.P."</p>
+
+  <p>"A change in the leadership of the Opposition. The old leaderess had
+  just retired and her place had been taken by a new one, a man this time,
+  young and handsome as Apollo, who had thrown up the Chair of
+  Cinematography at the London University to plunge on to a political
+  platform."</p>
+
+  <p>"What was the programme," I inquired, "of
+  this&mdash;er&mdash;furniture-remover?"</p>
+
+  <p>"He was a reactionary," said Charles. "The Première's party had won a
+  not too sweeping victory at the polls on prohibition (not of alcohol, of
+  course&mdash;that had been done long ago&mdash;but of tobacco)."</p>
+
+  <p>"How on earth did she do it?"</p>
+
+  <p>"National economy, mostly," answered Charles. "She had the wives' vote
+  solid, and they carried the more docile of the husbands with them. She
+  had to throw out bribes to the unmarried electorate of both sexes, of
+  course, bribes which she had since been attempting to pay. Powder and
+  chocolates had been made cheaper. There was the Endowment of Cinemas Act
+  of 1948, and the Subsidized Football Bill of '49. But all these
+  extravagances had largely ruined the effect of the abolition of tobacco.
+  At the beginning of that year she had been obliged to cancel the State
+  holiday on Mondays&mdash;"</p>
+
+  <p>"Why Mondays?" I inquired.</p>
+
+  <p>"Everyone feels beastly on Monday."</p>
+
+  <p>"But I don't see why they should feel any better on Tuesday."</p>
+
+  <p>"It was twenty-four hours nearer Saturday," he replied, "and Saturday
+  was also a State holiday. Labour, of course, was infuriated, and unrest
+  was every day becoming more apparent. The by-elections were going against
+  the Première. And now this new handsome young hero had arisen not only to
+  crystallise the support of his own sex, but capture the hearts of all the
+  female electorate under twenty."</p>
+
+  <p>"Twenty!" I gasped.</p>
+
+  <p>"Everyone over fifteen had the franchise," said Charles calmly. "Now
+  mark you, the programme of the Opposition was very cunning. They only
+  proposed to reintroduce cigar and cigarette smoking. Edward Oburn, the
+  young leader, being a film actor, naturally smoked nothing but exquisite
+  Havanas. In <span class="pagenum"><a name="page190" id="page190"></a>[pg
+  190]</span> this he had the support of the wealthier employers, but the
+  enormous army of cigarette-suckers, male and female, was with him.</p>
+
+  <p>"But I don't see how he proposed to cut down expenses," I
+  objected.</p>
+
+  <p>"He was going to tax the printing of all words over two syllables in
+  length," replied Charles. "The Press of those days was not affected by
+  the proposal, but a considerable revenue was expected from scientific
+  books, high-brow novels and Socialistic publications. Well, the Première,
+  as I say, was a prey to sad reflections, when suddenly the chur-chur of a
+  taxi&mdash;"</p>
+
+  <p>"Aren't you thinking of night-jars?" I said.</p>
+
+  <p>"Possibly I am," he admitted; "it may have been a chug-chug. Anyway,
+  it threw a wide arc of light into the gloom and stopped at the door of
+  No. 10. A few moments later the door of the boudoir was flung open and
+  the Chancellor of the Exchequer was announced."</p>
+
+  <p>"What did <i>she</i> want?"</p>
+
+  <p>"She was a he this time, and had come to announce the
+  inevitable&mdash;the very thing that the Première was thinking about and
+  fearing. 'We must have the Bachelor Tax,'" he said.</p>
+
+  <p>"Now, the Bachelor Tax had been tried some twenty years before, but
+  had failed, partly owing to the number of passive resisters who had had
+  to be forcibly fed, and partly owing to the number of men who had shown
+  substantial proof of recurrent rejections. How were they to bring in a
+  reasonable and satisfactory Bill? After a long consultation, lasting
+  several hours beyond midnight&mdash;"</p>
+
+  <p>"Did the taxi go on chugging?" I asked.</p>
+
+  <p>"Shut up. They decided eventually that if a bachelor made a written
+  proposal and was rejected he was entitled to have his case tried before a
+  jury of women, who should decide whether it was a reasonable offer and
+  one that should normally have been accepted. If they found that it was,
+  he was to be exempt from further efforts. The Bill was accordingly
+  drafted, and carried easily, and the sequel no doubt you have guessed. On
+  the day after it became law the beautiful young Première received a
+  neatly-typed offer of marriage from Edward Oburn. They met; there was a
+  scene of the utmost beauty and pathos; they became engaged, and the
+  Coalition Government of the middle of 1950 began."</p>
+
+  <p>"How long did it go on?" I inquired.</p>
+
+  <p>"Until the day of revolution," said Charles pleasantly, refilling his
+  foul old briar&mdash;"the great day when Fleet Street ran with blood and
+  the pipe-smokers put up barricades in the Strand, and Piccadilly became a
+  reeking shambles. Have you got a match?"</p>
+
+<p class="author"><font class="sc">Evoe.</font></p>
+
+<hr />
+
+  <div class="figcenter" style="width:100%;">
+      <a href="images/181.png"><img width="100%" src="images/181.png"
+      alt="" /></a>
+    <i>Knowledgeable Female</i> (<i>interpreting costumes to the
+    crowd</i>). "<font class="sc">And 'im&mdash;'e's a Esquimoke.</font>"
+  </div>
+<hr />
+
+  <blockquote>
+  <p>"The chauffeur, who sprang into the vehicle as it started off, was
+  injured when it collided with a lamppost. Both were removed to
+  hospital.&mdash;<i>Daily Paper.</i></p>
+
+  </blockquote>
+  <p>It is hoped that when the lamp-post has recovered it may throw some
+  light on the accident.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p class="center">"'In a few more fleeting years'</p>
+
+  <blockquote>
+  <p>The &mdash;&mdash; will still be Earning Money for its owner when
+  other cars have caused their owners to become but a
+  memory."&mdash;<i>Provincial Paper.</i></p>
+
+  </blockquote>
+  <p>The advertiser ought not, we think, to have suppressed the names of
+  these murderous machines.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="page191" id="page191"></a>[pg 191]</span>
+
+  <div class="figcenter" style="width:100%;">
+      <a href="images/182.png"><img width="100%" src="images/182.png"
+      alt="" /></a>
+    <h3>THE KINDEST CUT OF ALL.</h3>
+
+    <p><font class="sc">Welsh Wizard.</font> "I NOW PROCEED TO CUT THIS MAP
+    INTO TWO PARTS AND PLACE THEM IN THE HAT. AFTER A SUITABLE INTERVAL
+    THEY WILL BE FOUND TO HAVE COME TOGETHER OF THEIR OWN ACCORD&mdash;
+    (<i>ASIDE</i>)&mdash;AT LEAST LET'S HOPE SO; I'VE NEVER DONE THIS TRICK
+    BEFORE."</p>
+  </div>
+<hr />
+
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="page193" id="page193"></a>[pg 193]</span>
+
+<h2>ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT.</h2>
+
+  <div class="figright" style="width:33%;">
+      <a href="images/183-2.png"><img width="100%" src="images/183-2.png"
+      alt="" /></a>
+    <p class="center">MR. ASQUITH SITS UP AND TAKES NOTICE.</p>
+
+    <p>"<font class="sc">The Manchester School of Politics is dead and
+    there is no going back to it.</font>"&mdash;<i>Mr. <font
+    class="sc">Neil MacLean</font>.</i></p>
+  </div>
+  <p><i>Monday, March 1st.</i>&mdash;Calendar note (extracted from <i>The
+  Wee Free Almanack</i>): "Asquith comes in like a lion."</p>
+
+  <p>Everybody wanted to see the victor of Paisley make his <i>rentrée</i>.
+  The Peers' Gallery was so crowded with his former colleagues that Lord
+  <font class="sc">Rothermere</font> had scarcely room for the big stick
+  which typifies his present attitude towards the Government. Poor Lord
+  <font class="sc">Beaverbrook</font> was quite in the background; but I am
+  told that on historic occasions he always prefers, with characteristic
+  modesty, to be behind the scenes.</p>
+
+  <p>As the hero of the hour walked up the floor, escorted by Sir <font
+  class="sc">Donald Maclean</font> and Mr. <font class="sc">Thorne</font>,
+  his supporters did their best to give him a rousing welcome. But they
+  were too few to produce much effect, and a moment or two later, when Mr.
+  <font class="sc">Lloyd George</font> left the Treasury Bench to greet his
+  old chief behind the <font class="sc">Speaker's</font> Chair, they were
+  compelled to hear the young bloods of the Coalition "give a louder
+  roar."</p>
+
+  <p>Finding the traditional seat of the Leader of the Opposition still in
+  the occupation of Mr. <font class="sc">Adamson</font>, Mr. <font
+  class="sc">Asquith</font> bestowed himself between the Labour Leader and
+  Mr. <font class="sc">Neil Maclean</font>, with whom he entered into
+  conversation. If he was endeavouring to expound for his benefit the moral
+  of Paisley I am afraid he had but a poor success, for in the ensuing
+  debate on food-control the Member for Govan shocked Liberal hearers by
+  declaring that "the Manchester School is dead and there is no going back
+  to it." In opposing the continuance of D.O.R.A. Captain <font
+  class="sc">Elliot</font> was again in good form. His best <i>mot</i>,
+  "With the Cabinet a thing is always either <i>sub judice</i> or <i>chose
+  jugée</i>," will take a good deal of beating as a summary of the
+  Ministerial method of answering Questions.</p>
+
+<br clear="all" />
+
+  <div class="figright" style="width:50%;">
+      <a href="images/183-1.png"><img width="100%" src="images/183-1.png"
+      alt="" /></a>
+    <p class="center">SUPPLEMENTARY QUESTIONS ON THE CLOTHING
+    DIFFICULTY.</p>
+
+    <p><font class="sc">Mr. G.R. Thorne to ask Mr. Mallaby-Deeley
+    (Controller of Suitings) what is the price of his latest
+    cut.</font></p>
+
+    <p><font class="sc">Lt.-Col. Will Thorne to ask whether any reduction
+    is made in proportion to quantity of cloth purchased.</font></p>
+  </div>
+  <p>I understand that Mr. <font class="sc">Mallaby-Deeley</font> disclaims
+  being the customer to whom the Disposals Board sold 577,000 suits of
+  Government clothing. He makes a point of never being over-dressed.</p>
+
+  <p>A suggestion that in view of the difficulty of filling diplomatic
+  vacancies the Government should appoint suitable women to some of these
+  posts was declined by the <font class="sc">Prime Minister</font> on the
+  ground that it was not practicable at present. I doubt if he would have
+  had the hardihood to make this avowal but that Lady <font
+  class="sc">Astor</font> had been ousted from her usual seat by Mr. <font
+  class="sc">Pemberton Billing</font>.</p>
+
+  <p><i>Tuesday, March 2nd.</i>&mdash;Lieut.-Commander <font
+  class="sc">Kenworthy</font> might be described as a pacificist who
+  conducts a persistent offensive. He accused the <font class="sc">War
+  Minister</font> of having made a false statement about Conscription in
+  America, and later on made an allusion to General <font
+  class="sc">Denikin</font> which Mr. <font class="sc">Churchill</font>, to
+  the satisfaction of the House, which does not exactly love the Central
+  Hullaballoonist, described as "a singularly ill-conditioned sneer."</p>
+
+  <p>Lord <font class="sc">Winterton</font>, once the "baby" of the House,
+  is still one of its most popular figures. Members were quite interested
+  as he proceeded to explain, with an engaging blush, that a "hard case"
+  which he had brought to the notice of the <font class="sc">War
+  Minister</font> was his own, and sorry when the <font
+  class="sc">Speaker</font> brought the narrative to a sudden stop by
+  observing, "This is not the moment for autobiography."</p>
+
+  <p>The <font class="sc">First Commissioner of Works</font> was roundly
+  abused for having spent £3,250 on tapestry for Hampton Court Palace. But
+  when it turned out that the panel in question was the long-missing number
+  of a set belonging to Cardinal <font class="sc">Wolsey</font>, and that
+  its recovery was largely due to the enterprise and munificence of the
+  right hon. gentleman himself, the House agreed that his completion of
+  "Seven Deadly Sins" was a venial offence.</p>
+
+<br clear="all" />
+
+  <div class="figright" style="width:33%;">
+      <a href="images/183-3.png"><img width="100%" src="images/183-3.png"
+      alt="" /></a>
+    <p class="center">THE HULLABALLOONIST.</p>
+
+    <p class="center"><font class="sc">Lieut.-Commander
+    Kenworthy.</font></p>
+  </div>
+  <p>Other Estimates evoked more healthy <span class="pagenum"><a
+  name="page194" id="page194"></a>[pg 194]</span> criticism. Sir <font
+  class="sc">Frederick Banbury</font> was eloquent upon what he called a
+  "hotel for gardeners" at Kew. Mr. <font class="sc">Hogge</font> was for
+  rooting up the Royal Botanical Gardens, since they were hardly ever
+  visited by Scotsmen, and Captain <font class="sc">Stanley Wilson</font>
+  inveighed against the extravagance with which the British delegates were
+  housed in Paris. Sir <font class="sc">Alfred Mond</font> admitted that
+  they "did themselves very well," but pleaded that they could hardly be
+  expected to go to Montmartre&mdash;at least not collectively&mdash;and
+  pointed out that some of the criticisms should be addressed to other
+  Departments. He was not responsible, for example, for "clothes of
+  typists."</p>
+
+  <p><i>Wednesday, March 3rd.</i>&mdash;Among the things that they do
+  better in France, according to Lord <font class="sc">Sudeley</font>, is
+  the popularisation of picture-galleries and museums. He instanced the
+  pictures on French match-boxes. But were they always confined to
+  reproductions of Louvre masterpieces? My recollection is that at one time
+  they took a wider range and were distinctly more striking than the
+  matches.</p>
+
+  <p>One was reminded of <font class="sc">Praed's</font> lines&mdash;</p>
+
+  <div class="poem">
+    <div class="stanza">
+      <p>"Hume, no doubt, will be taking the sense</p>
+      <p>Of the House on a question of thirteen-pence"&mdash;</p>
+    </div>
+  </div>
+
+  <p>when the Government very nearly came to grief to-night over a question
+  of five pounds for the Inland Revenue offices in Manchester. In vain Mr.
+  <font class="sc">Baldwin</font> pointed out the desirability of giving
+  proper accommodation to the gentlemen who pick our pockets in the
+  interest of the State. The House was still obstinate, until Mr. <font
+  class="sc">Bonar Law</font> declared that the Government would resign if
+  they did not get their "fiver." As he undertook, however, not to spend it
+  without further leave, the vote at last went through.</p>
+
+  <p><i>Thursday, March 4th.</i>&mdash;Lord <font
+  class="sc">Buckmaster's</font> scheme for preventing the bankruptcy of
+  the State is to make everybody invest a portion of his capital in
+  Government securities and to withhold the interest until such time as the
+  State should find it convenient to pay. This, he explained to his own
+  satisfaction, was quite different from that dangerous expedient, a levy
+  on capital. Lord <font class="sc">Peel</font> took a more cheerful view
+  of the situation, and indicated that it was quite unnecessary for noble
+  lords to get the wind up, since the Government would have no difficulty
+  in raising it.</p>
+
+  <p>Even the most rigid economists will not cavil at the latest addition
+  to our financial burdens. The <font class="sc">Pensions Minister</font>
+  announced an addition of close on two millions a year to the annual
+  charge. The increase is chiefly for a much-needed improvement in the
+  allowances made to disabled officers, who have hitherto been but scurvily
+  treated.</p>
+
+  <p>Mr. <font class="sc">Higham</font> objected to receiving an answer
+  about the telephones from Mr. <font class="sc">Pike Pease</font>. He
+  demanded a reply from the <font class="sc">Prime Minister</font>, not
+  from a representative of the department impugned. The <font
+  class="sc">Speaker</font>, however, pointed out that there were limits to
+  the <font class="sc">Premier's</font> responsibilities: "He does not run
+  the whole show." After this descent into the vernacular I half-expected
+  that Mr. <font class="sc">Lowther</font> would dam the stream of
+  Supplementaries that followed with, "Oh, ring off!" but he contented
+  himself with calling the next Question.</p>
+
+  <p>The debate on the Third Reading of the War Emergency Laws
+  (Continuance) Bill was chiefly devoted to Ireland. Captain <font
+  class="sc">Wedgwood Benn</font>, after spending a whole week in that
+  country, is convinced that all the trouble is due to the Government's
+  reliance upon D.O.R.A., and declared that the only people who were not in
+  gaol were the murderers. That would mean that there are some four million
+  assassins in Ireland; which I feel sure is an exaggeration. The two
+  hundred thousand mentioned by the <font class="sc">Chief Secretary</font>
+  would seem to be ample for any country save Russia.</p>
+
+  <p>Scarcely was this gloomy episode over than the House was called upon
+  to pass a Supplementary Estimate of £860 for "Peace Celebrations in
+  Ireland." As £500 of this sum was for flags and decorations, which, in
+  Mr. <font class="sc">Baldwin's</font> phrase, "remain for future use,"
+  the Irish outlook may, after all, be not quite so black as it is
+  painted.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+  <div class="figcenter" style="width:100%;">
+      <a href="images/184.png"><img width="100%" src="images/184.png"
+      alt="" /></a>
+    <p><i>Hawker</i> (<i>to lady who is in bitter need of fuel</i>). "<font
+    class="sc">Eager as I am, Madam, to explain the merits of these logs at
+    fourteen shillings a hundred, I cannot ignore the notice emblazoned on
+    your gate, and therefore wish you a very good day.</font>"</p>
+  </div>
+<hr />
+
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="page195" id="page195"></a>[pg 195]</span>
+
+<h3>A BUY ELECTION.</h3>
+
+  <blockquote>
+  <p>[The excellent precedent set by Mr. <font
+  class="sc">Mallaby-Deeley</font> in supplying needed goods at cheap rates
+  may prove a little awkward if adopted by Parliamentary Candidates, as
+  shown in the following anticipatory report.]</p>
+
+  </blockquote>
+  <p>Quiet confidence reigned in the ranks of the Muddleboro Labour Party.
+  The action of their Candidate, Mr. Dulham, in arranging for a
+  co-operative milk supply at sixpence per quart, was supposed to have won
+  the hearts of all householders. They had no fear of Mr. Coddem, the
+  representative of the great <font class="sc">Bottomley</font> party. It
+  was true that Mr. Coddem had taken over a local brewery and was supplying
+  beer at threepence per pint. But the Labour stalwarts argued that, in the
+  first place, this would lose him the women's and temperance vote, and, in
+  the second place, the electors would drink the brewery dry in
+  double-quick time. All those who failed to get cheap beer would revenge
+  themselves on the Candidate who had failed to keep his promise.</p>
+
+  <p>The Wee Free cause was nearly hopeless. Their candidate, Mr. Guff, had
+  made a desperate bid for popularity by offering, in conjunction with
+  <i>The Daily News</i>, cocoa at reduced rates. But the Labour Candidate
+  had put the pointed question, "Who made cocoa dear in the first place?"
+  and Mr. Guff had evaded the question.</p>
+
+  <p>When Mr. Stilts, the National Party Candidate, promised the public
+  cheaper honours&mdash;urging that, if he were returned, it would be
+  unnecessary to subscribe to party funds to get a title&mdash;the voters
+  were quite unmoved. Perhaps they knew that they could get the O.B.E. for
+  nothing, anyhow, and had no higher ambitions.</p>
+
+  <p>The Coalition Candidate, Mr. Jenkins, alone said nothing. <i>The
+  Star</i>, that famous organ of the Anti-Gambling Party, proclaimed
+  triumphantly that the odds offered in the constituency were ten to one
+  against Jenkins. But Mr. Jenkins lay low and said nothing. Or rather he
+  achieved the not impossible feat in a Parliamentary contest of saying
+  nothing and saying a good deal.</p>
+
+  <p>But the day before the poll Mr. Jenkins's polling cards were
+  delivered. They were headed, "Vote for Jenkins and Kill Profiteering.
+  Give up this card at your polling-station for free samples of silks in my
+  great blouse offer. I sell for 9<i>s.</i> 11¾<i>d.</i> a blouse usually
+  priced at two guineas. Not more than six sold to any one voter. <font
+  class="sc">Out Sizes no Extra Charge.</font>"</p>
+
+  <p>A quarter-mile queue of lady-voters was standing outside the polling
+  booths at eight o'clock. Hundreds of them had their husbands in custody
+  with them. In vain were representations of the Full Milk Jug and the
+  Flowing Pint Pot paraded before them. The Wee Free procession, headed by
+  a Brimming Cocoa Cup, was received with jeers.</p>
+
+  <p>When the poll was declared the figures ran&mdash;</p>
+
+  <div class="poem">
+    <div class="stanza">
+      <p>Jenkins (Coalition) ... 20,428</p>
+      <p>Coddem (Bottomley) ... 9,344</p>
+      <p>Dulham (Labour) ... 9,028</p>
+      <p>Guff (Wee Free) ... 2,008</p>
+      <p>Stilts (National Party) ... 49</p>
+    </div>
+  </div>
+
+  <p>And <i>The Daily News</i>' headline the next day was&mdash;</p>
+
+  <div class="poem">
+    <div class="stanza">
+      <p>"<font class="sc">Corrupt Minority Candidate Carries Muddleboro.</font>"</p>
+    </div>
+  </div>
+
+<hr />
+
+  <div class="figcenter" style="width:66%;">
+      <a href="images/185.png"><img width="100%" src="images/185.png"
+      alt="" /></a>
+    <div class="i16">
+    <h3>DÉMODÉ.</h3>
+
+    <p><i>She.</i> "<font class="sc">Somewhat archaic&mdash;
+    what?</font>"</p>
+
+    <p><i>He.</i> "<font class="sc">Ye&mdash;es. All right six weeks ago.
+    <i>Quite</i> academical now.</font>"</p>
+    </div>
+  </div>
+<hr />
+
+<h4>Commercial Candour.</h4>
+
+  <p>From a poultry-breeder's advertisement:&mdash;</p>
+
+  <blockquote>
+  <p>"My strains of Rhodes are only too well known."</p>
+
+  </blockquote>
+<hr class="short" />
+
+  <blockquote>
+  <p>"Miss Winnie &mdash;&mdash;, the charming and talented actress,
+  writes:&mdash;'I am quite positive&mdash;I owe my present health and
+  spirits to &mdash;&mdash;.'"&mdash;<i>Advt. in Daily Paper.</i></p>
+
+  <p>"Poor Miss Winnie &mdash;&mdash; has had to retire suddenly from the
+  revue&mdash;doctor's orders."&mdash;<i>Same paper, same day.</i></p>
+
+  </blockquote>
+  <p>We should have liked to hear the Advertisement Manager's view of the
+  News Editor.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="page196" id="page196"></a>[pg 196]</span>
+
+  <div class="figcenter" style="width:100%;">
+      <a href="images/186.png"><img width="100%" src="images/186.png"
+      alt="" /></a>
+    "<font class="sc">Oo, Lumme! Wot price Reginald in 'is
+    Mallaby-Deeleys?</font>"
+  </div>
+<hr />
+
+<h2>FREUD AND JUNG.</h2>
+
+  <blockquote>
+  <p>[A reviewer in a recent issue of <i>The Times Literary Supplement</i>
+  asks, "Why should the characters in the psychological novel be invariably
+  horrid?" and is inclined to explain this state of affairs by the
+  undiscriminating study of "the theories of two very estimable gentlemen,
+  the sound of whose names one is beginning to dislike&mdash;Messrs. Freud
+  and Jung."]</p>
+
+  </blockquote>
+  <div class="poem">
+    <div class="stanza">
+      <p>In <font class="sc">Queen Victoria's</font> placid reign, the novelists of note</p>
+      <p>In one respect, at any rate, were all in the same boat;</p>
+      <p>Alike in <i>Richard Feverel</i> and in <i>Aurora Floyd</i></p>
+      <p>You'll seek in vain for any trace of Messrs. <font class="sc">Jung</font> and <font class="sc">Freud</font>.</p>
+    </div>
+
+    <div class="stanza">
+      <p>They did not fail in colour, for they had their <font class="sc">Peacock's</font> tales;</p>
+      <p>Their heroines, I must admit, ran seldom off the rails;</p>
+      <p>They had their apes and angels, but they never once employed</p>
+      <p>The psycho-analytic rules devised by <font class="sc">Jung</font> and <font class="sc">Freud</font>.</p>
+    </div>
+
+    <div class="stanza">
+      <p>They ran a tilt at fraud and guilt, at snobbery and shams;</p>
+      <p>They had no lack of Meredithyrambic epigrams;</p>
+      <p>The types that most appealed to them were not neurasthenoid;</p>
+      <p>They lived, you see, before the day of Messrs. <font class="sc">Jung</font> and <font class="sc">Freud</font>.</p>
+    </div>
+
+    <div class="stanza">
+      <p>(I've searched the last edition of the famous <i>Ency. Brit.</i></p>
+      <p>And neither of this noble pair is even named in it;</p>
+      <p>Only the men since Nineteen-Ten have properly enjoyed</p>
+      <p>The privilege of studying the works of <font class="sc">Jung</font> and <font class="sc">Freud</font>.)</p>
+    </div>
+
+    <div class="stanza">
+      <p>Their characters, I grieve to say, were never more unclean</p>
+      <p>Than those of ordinary life, in morals or in mien;</p>
+      <p>They had not slummed or fully plumbed with rapture unalloyed</p>
+      <p>The unconscious mind as now defined by Messrs. <font class="sc">Jung</font> and <font class="sc">Freud</font>.</p>
+    </div>
+
+    <div class="stanza">
+      <p>The spiritual shell-shock which these scientists impart</p>
+      <p>Had not enlarged or cleared the dim horizons of their art;</p>
+      <p>They had not learned that mutual love by wedlock is destroyed,</p>
+      <p>As proved by the disciples of the school of <font class="sc">Jung</font> and <font class="sc">Freud</font>.</p>
+    </div>
+
+    <div class="stanza">
+      <p>The hierophants of pure romance, ev'n in its recent mood,</p>
+      <p>From <font class="sc">Stevenson</font> to <font class="sc">Conrad</font>, such excesses have eschewed;</p>
+      <p>But the psycho-pathologic route was neither mapped nor buoyed</p>
+      <p>Until the new discoveries of Messrs. <font class="sc">Jung</font> and <font class="sc">Freud</font>.</p>
+    </div>
+
+    <div class="stanza">
+      <p>That fiction should be tonic all may readily agree;</p>
+      <p>That its function is emetic I, for one, could never see;</p>
+      <p>And so I'm glad to find <i>The Times Lit. Supp.</i> has grown annoyed</p>
+      <p>At the undiscriminating cult of Messrs. <font class="sc">Jung</font> and <font class="sc">Freud</font>.</p>
+    </div>
+
+    <div class="stanza">
+      <p>Let earnest "educationists" assiduously preach</p>
+      <p>The value of psychology in training those who teach;</p>
+      <p>Let publicists who speak of Mr. <font class="sc">George</font>, without the <font class="sc">Lloyd</font>,</p>
+      <p>Confound him with quotations from the works of <font class="sc">Jung</font> and <font class="sc">Freud</font>&mdash;</p>
+    </div>
+
+    <div class="stanza">
+      <p>But I, were I a despot, quite benevolent, of course,</p>
+      <p>Armed with the last developments of high-explosive force,</p>
+      <p>I'd build a bigger "Bertha," and discharge it in the void</p>
+      <p>Crammed with the novelists who brood on Messrs. <font class="sc">Jung</font> and <font class="sc">Freud</font>.</p>
+    </div>
+  </div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="page197" id="page197"></a>[pg 197]</span>
+
+  <div class="figcenter" style="width:100%;">
+      <a href="images/187.png"><img width="100%" src="images/187.png"
+      alt="" /></a>
+    <p>"<font class="sc">I s'pose I mustn't go in the garden while you're
+    resting, Mummy?</font>"</p>
+
+    <p>"<font class="sc">No, dear&mdash;it's too damp.</font>"</p>
+
+    <p>"<font class="sc">If I <i>did</i> go in the garden while you're
+    resting, mummy, would you punish me or reason with me?</font>"</p>
+  </div>
+<hr />
+
+<h3>OPERATICS.</h3>
+
+  <p>It has been suggested before now that Opera might be improved if the
+  singing were done behind the scenes and the performance on the stage were
+  carried out in dumb show by competent actors who looked their parts. But
+  the idea that the movements on the stage would correspond with the
+  utterances off it is not encouraged by the present lack of collusion
+  between singers and orchestra&mdash;I refer to cases where a performer is
+  required to simulate music on a dummy instrument.</p>
+
+  <p>This reflection was forced upon me at a recent performance of
+  <i>Tannhäuser</i>. It is true that Miss <font class="sc">Lillian
+  Stanford</font> as the <i>Shepherd</i> fingered her pipe in precise
+  accord with the gentleman who played the music for her. But Mr. <font
+  class="sc">Mullings</font>, as <i>Tannhäuser</i>, took the greatest
+  liberties with his harp. He just slapped it whenever he liked, without
+  any regard to the motions of his collaborator. As for Mr. <font
+  class="sc">Michael</font>, who played <i>Wolfram</i>, he was content to
+  fill in the vocal pauses with a little suitable strumming; but when he
+  sang he was so distracted by his own voice that he left his harp to play
+  the accompaniment without visible assistance from his hand.</p>
+
+  <p>For the fine performance which Mr. <font class="sc">Albert
+  Coates</font> conducted I have no word but of praise, except that I could
+  have wished that Miss <font class="sc">Elsa Stralia</font> had borne a
+  closer resemblance to what is expected of <i>Elisabeth</i>. She seemed to
+  want to look as much as possible like <i>Venus</i>, whose very opposite
+  she should have been in type as in nature. Her colouring upset the whole
+  scheme of contrast, and one never began to believe in the sincerity of
+  her spiritual ideals or that her death from a broken heart was anything
+  but an affectation.</p>
+
+<p class="author">O.S.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<h3>A LEONINE REVIVAL.</h3>
+
+  <p>Amongst the dead lions of the past, some of us have prematurely
+  reckoned those of Peterborough Court. <font class="sc">Matt.
+  Arnold</font> was supposed to have administered, if not the <i>coup de
+  grâce</i>, at any rate a serious blow to their gambollings in
+  <i>Friendship's Garland</i>.</p>
+
+  <p>It is therefore a matter for unfeigned rejoicing to find that they are
+  not only alive but rampant, with all their old splendid command of
+  polysyllabic periphrasis. One need only turn to the notice of "The John
+  Exhibition" in last Thursday's <i>Daily Telegraph</i>, from which we
+  select the following page:&mdash;</p>
+
+  <p>"It [the exhibition] is a display of purposeful portraiture that helps
+  one to realise the effect which Theotokopoulos produced upon his watchful
+  contemporaries, and to understand why the Cretan continued to walk alone
+  on his way. If some insist on finding modern El Greco versions of
+  Inspectors and Inquisitors-general in this John gathering, compounded of
+  comparatively innocuous personalities, the privilege is, of course,
+  permissible, and incidentally brightens conversation in irresponsible
+  circles."</p>
+
+  <p>But a higher level of full-throated <i>bravura</i> is attained later
+  on:&mdash;</p>
+
+  <p>"If reiteration may also be the mark of the best portraiture,
+  <i>pace</i> Lord Fisher, commendation should be given to Mr. John for
+  continuing to visualize the great seaman as Jupiter Tonans flashing in
+  gold lace."</p>
+
+  <p>How delightful it is, after the arid methods of the modern critics,
+  bred up on <font class="sc">Benedetto Croce</font>, to hear the old
+  authentic leonine ecstasy of <font class="sc">Sala</font>, "monarch of
+  the florid quill!" Mr. Punch, once hailed by the <i>D.T.</i> as "the
+  Democritus of Fleet Street," on the strength of his "memorable
+  monosyllabic monition," in turn salutes the immortal protagonist of the
+  purple polysyllable.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="page198" id="page198"></a>[pg 198]</span>
+
+<h3>WITCHCRAFT.</h3>
+
+<p class="center">(<i>A Mediæval Tragedy.</i>)</p>
+
+  <p>"I want," said the maiden, glancing round her with tremulous distaste
+  at the stuffed crocodile, the black cat and the cauldron simmering on the
+  hearth, "to see some of your complexion specialities."</p>
+
+  <p>"You want nothing of the kind," retorted the witch. "Why prevaricate?
+  A maid with your colour hath small need even of my triple extract of
+  toads' livers. What you have really come for is either a
+  love-potion&mdash;" she paused and glanced keenly at her
+  visitor&mdash;"or the means to avenge love unrequited."</p>
+
+  <p>The maiden had flushed crimson. "I wish he were dead!" she
+  whispered.</p>
+
+  <p>"Now you are talking. That wish is, of course, the simplest thing in
+  the world to gratify, if only you are prepared to pay for it. I presume
+  Moddam would not desire anything too easy?"</p>
+
+  <p>"He had promised,", broke out the maiden uncontrollably, "to take me
+  to the charity bear-baiting matinée in aid of unemployed ex-Crusaders.
+  The whole thing was arranged. And then at the last moment&mdash;"</p>
+
+  <p>"Precisely as I had supposed. A case for one of our superior wax
+  images, made to model, with pins complete. Melted before a slow fire
+  ensures the gradual wasting of the original with pangs corresponding to
+  the insertion of each pin."</p>
+
+  <p>The customer's fine eyes gleamed. "Give me one."</p>
+
+  <p>"I will sell you one," corrected the witch. "But I should warn you.
+  They are not cheap."</p>
+
+  <p>"No matter."</p>
+
+  <p>"Good. I was about to observe that since our sovereign liege <font
+  class="sc">King Richard</font> granted peace to the Saracen the cost both
+  of material and labour hath so parlously risen that I am unable to supply
+  a really reliable article under fifty golden angels."</p>
+
+  <p>"I have them here."</p>
+
+  <p>"With special pins, of course, extra."</p>
+
+  <p>"Take what you will." The maiden flung down a leathern wallet that
+  chinked pleasingly. The witch, having transferred the contents of this to
+  her own pocket, proceeded to fashion the required charm, watched by her
+  client with half-repelled eagerness.</p>
+
+  <p>"Hawk's eye, falcon's nose, raven's lock, peacock's clothes," chanted
+  the crone, following the words with her cunning fingers.</p>
+
+  <p>"How&mdash;how know you him?" Panic was in the voice.</p>
+
+  <p>The other laughed unpleasantly. "Doth not the whole district know the
+  Lord &#338;il-de-Veau by reputation?" She held out the image. "Handle him
+  carefully and use a fresh pin for each record."</p>
+
+  <p>The maid snatched it from her hands and was turning towards the door
+  of the hut when a low tap on its outer surface caused her to shrink back
+  alarmed. The witch had again been watching her with an ambiguous smile.
+  "Should Moddam wish to avoid observation," she suggested, "the side exit
+  behind yonder curtain&mdash;" In an instant she was alone. Flinging the
+  empty wallet into the darkest corner the witch (not without sundry
+  chuckles) slowly unbarred the entrance.</p>
+
+  <p>On the threshold stood a slim female figure enveloped in a cloak. "The
+  love potion I had here last week," began a timid voice, "seems hardly
+  satisfactory. If you stock a stronger quality, no matter how
+  expensive&mdash;"</p>
+
+  <p>"Step inside," said the witch.</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+  <p>Some couple of months later the ladies of the house-party assembled at
+  Sangazure Castle for the Victory jousts were gathered in the great hall,
+  exchanging gossip and serf-stories in the firelight while awaiting the
+  return of their menkind.</p>
+
+  <p>"Hath any heard," lisped one fair young thing, "how fareth the Lord
+  &#338;il-de-Veau? They tell me that some mysterious ailment hath him in
+  thrall."</p>
+
+  <p>At the words the Lady Yolande Sangazure (whom we have met before) was
+  aware of a crimson flood mounting swiftly to her exquisite temples.
+  Strange to add, the same phenomenon might have been observed in a score
+  of damosels belonging to the best families in the district. The hall
+  seemed suffused in a ruddy glow that was certainly not reflected from the
+  exiguous pile of post-Crusading fuel smouldering on the great hearth.</p>
+
+  <p>"Tush!" broke in the cracked voice of a withered old dame, "your news
+  is old. Not only hath the so-called fever vanished but my lord himself
+  hath followed it."</p>
+
+  <p>"Gone!" The cry was echoed by twenty voices; twenty embroidery-frames
+  fell from forty arrested hands, while nine-and-thirty dismayed eyes fixed
+  themselves upon the maliciously-amused countenance of the speaker. Only
+  one, belonging to the Lady Beauregarde, who squinted slightly, remained
+  as though unmoved by the general commotion.</p>
+
+  <p>"Moreover," continued the old dame, "report saith that with him went
+  his leman, who, having some art in necromancy, transformed her beauty to
+  the semblance of a witch and provided her own dowry by the sale, to
+  certain addle-pated wenches, of charms for which her lover himself
+  prepared the market."</p>
+
+  <p>"But&mdash;his fever?" an impetuous voice broke in.</p>
+
+  <p>"Cozening, no doubt. Of course the tale may be but idle babble; still,
+  if true, one would admit that such credulous fools got no more than they
+  deserved."</p>
+
+  <p>She ceased, well satisfied. "I fancy," observed the Lady Yolande
+  coldly, "that I hear our lords returning." And in the eloquent silence a
+  score of fair young minds slowly assimilated the profound truth (as fresh
+  to-day as eight hundred years ago) that Satan finds some mischief still
+  for the impecunious demobilised.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<h3>TO JESSIE</h3>
+
+  <blockquote>
+  <p>(<i>"one of the Zoo's most popular elephants," now deceased</i>).</p>
+
+  </blockquote>
+  <div class="poem">
+    <div class="stanza">
+      <p>Jessie of the melting eye,</p>
+      <p class="i2">Wreathed trunk and horny tegum-</p>
+      <p>Ent, whom I have joyed to ply</p>
+      <p>With the fugitive mince-pie</p>
+      <p class="i2">And the seasonable legume,</p>
+      <p>Youth has left me; fortune too</p>
+      <p class="i2">Flounts my efforts to annex it;</p>
+      <p>Still, I occupy the view,</p>
+      <p>Bored but loath to leave, while you</p>
+      <p class="i2">Make the inevitable exit.</p>
+    </div>
+
+    <div class="stanza">
+      <p>Ne'er again for blissful rides</p>
+      <p class="i2">Shall our shouting offspring clamber</p>
+      <p>Up your broad and beetling sides;</p>
+      <p>Ne'er again, when eventide's</p>
+      <p class="i2">Coming turns the skies to amber</p>
+      <p>And the fluting blackbirds call,</p>
+      <p class="i2">Poised above a bale of fodder</p>
+      <p>In your well-appointed stall</p>
+      <p>Will you muse upon it all,</p>
+      <p class="i2">Patient introspective plodder.</p>
+    </div>
+
+    <div class="stanza">
+      <p>Once, an anxious mother's care,</p>
+      <p class="i2">Day by day you roamed the jungle,</p>
+      <p>Felt the sunshine, sniffed the air;</p>
+      <p>Life, methinks, was passing fair;</p>
+      <p class="i2">But of that no mortal tongue'll</p>
+      <p>Tell. Perhaps you never thought</p>
+      <p class="i2">If it bored you or enraptured</p>
+      <p>Till the wily hunter caught</p>
+      <p>You and all your friends and brought</p>
+      <p class="i2">Home to England, bound and captured.</p>
+    </div>
+
+    <div class="stanza">
+      <p>Jessie, fairest of your race,</p>
+      <p class="i2">Now you're gone and few will miss you;</p>
+      <p>There will come to take your place</p>
+      <p>Creatures less replete with grace;</p>
+      <p class="i2">Elephants of grosser tissue</p>
+      <p>Will intrigue the public sight;</p>
+      <p class="i2">That, old girl, 's the common attitude.</p>
+      <p>Still, these few poor lines I write</p>
+      <p>May preserve your memory bright,</p>
+      <p class="i2">Since the pen is dipped in gratitude.</p>
+    </div>
+
+    <div class="stanza">
+      <p class="i16"><font class="sc">Algol.</font></p>
+    </div>
+  </div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="page199" id="page199"></a>[pg 199]</span>
+
+  <div class="figcenter" style="width:100%;">
+      <a href="images/189.png"><img width="100%" src="images/189.png"
+      alt="" /></a>
+    <h3>MORE ADVENTURES OF A POST-WAR SPORTSMAN.</h3>
+
+    <p><i>P.-W.S.</i> (<i>having struggled over many ploughed fields</i>).
+    "<font class="sc">Now then, my lad, fetch 'im over 'ere and I'll give
+    you a tanner.</font>"</p>
+
+    <p><i>Bucolic Profiteer.</i> "<font class="sc">Noa, ye doan't! Give oi
+    ten bob or oi lets he go again.</font>"</p>
+  </div>
+<hr />
+
+<h2>OUR BOOKING-OFFICE.</h2>
+
+<p class="center">(<i>By Mr. Punch's Staff of Learned Clerks.</i>)</p>
+
+  <p>We are apt to think of Lord <font class="sc">Northcliffe</font> as the
+  "onlie begetter" of the New Journalism. But here comes Mr. <font
+  class="sc">Kennedy Jones</font>, M.P., to remind us, in <i>Fleet Street
+  and Downing Street</i> (<font class="sc">Hutchinson</font>), that he too
+  had a very large share in its parentage. And up to a point he is a proud
+  father. Circulations reckoned in millions instead of thousands,
+  journalistic salaries raised from hundreds to thousands,
+  advertisement-revenues multiplied many-fold&mdash;these are some of the
+  outward signs of the success of a policy which the author summarised when
+  he told Lord <font class="sc">Morley</font>, "You left journalism as a
+  profession; we have made it a branch of commerce." But there is another
+  side to the medal. <i>Frankenstein's</i> monster was perfect in
+  everything save that it lacked a soul. In all material things the New
+  Journalism is a long way ahead of the Old; and yet, after chronicling its
+  many triumphs&mdash;culminating in the capture of <i>The
+  Times</i>&mdash;its part-creator is fain to admit that "public distrust
+  of news is the most notable feature in journalism of recent years," and
+  that the influence of the daily Press on the public mind has hardly ever
+  been at a lower ebb. This frankness is characteristic of a book which on
+  nearly every page contains something to startle or amuse. The author's
+  experiences on his first day in London, including an encounter with a
+  sausage-seller (more friendly than <font class="sc">Cleon's</font>
+  rival); his negotiations for the purchase of <i>The Times</i>, and his
+  offer of the editorship to Lord <font class="sc">Curzon</font>, who
+  unfortunately refused it; the <i>provenance</i> of "The Pekin Massacre,"
+  which originated, it appears, not with a "stunt" journalist, but with a
+  Chinese statesman wishing to pull the Occidental leg&mdash;these and many
+  other incidents are admirably described by a writer who, though he long
+  ago doffed his journalistic harness, has not forgotten how to write up a
+  "good story." Be your opinion of the New Journalism what it may I
+  guarantee that you will find its champion an agreeable companion.</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+  <p>There are parts of Mr. <font class="sc">W.J. Locke's</font> latest
+  novel, <i>The House of Baltazar</i> (<font class="sc">Lane</font>), which
+  will, I fear, make almost prohibitive demands upon the faith (considered
+  as belief in the incredible) of his vast following. To begin with, he
+  introduces us to that problematical personage, whose possibility used to
+  be so much debated, the Man Who Didn't Know There Was A War On. <i>John
+  Baltazar</i> had preserved this unique ignorance, first by bolting from a
+  Cambridge professorship through amorous complications, next by living
+  many years in the Far East, and finally by settling upon a remote
+  moorland farm (locality unspecified) with a taciturn Chinaman and an
+  Airedale for his only companions. This and other contributory
+  circumstances, for which I lack space, just enabled me to admit the
+  situation as possible. Naturally, therefore, when a befogged Zeppelin
+  laid a couple of bombs plonk into the homestead, the ex-professor
+  experienced a mental as well as a bodily <span class="pagenum"><a
+  name="page200" id="page200"></a>[pg 200]</span> shake-up. I had no
+  complaint either with the transformation that developed <i>John
+  Baltazar</i> from the only outsider to apparently the big boss of the
+  War; while the scenes between him and the son of whose existence he had
+  been unaware (a situation not precisely new to fiction) are presented
+  with a sincere and moving simplicity. So far so good, even if hardly
+  equal to the author's best. But the catastrophe and the melodramatics
+  about War-Office secrets, preposterously put on paper, and still more
+  preposterously preserved, simply knocked the wind of reality out of the
+  whole affair. A pity, since Mr. <font class="sc">Locke</font> (though I
+  prefer him in more fantastic vein) has clearly spent much care upon a
+  tale that, till its final plunge, is at least lively and
+  entertaining.</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+  <p>The amateur of lace, whether as expert or owner, will be pleasantly
+  stirred by learning that another book has been added to the already large
+  bibliography of a fascinating subject in <i>The Romance of the Lace
+  Pillow</i> (<font class="sc">H.H. Armstrong</font>), published at Olney
+  from the pen of Mr. <font class="sc">Thomas Wright</font>. Olney, of
+  course, has two claims on our regard&mdash;<font class="sc">Cowper</font>
+  and Lace, and it is now evident that Mr. <font class="sc">Wright</font>
+  has kept as attentive an eye on the one as on the other. His book makes
+  no pretence to be more than a brief and frankly popular survey of the art
+  of lace-making chiefly in Northamptonshire and Bucks, and to it he has
+  brought a wealth of various information (which the average reader must
+  take on trust) and an enthusiasm that can be judged by his opening
+  statement that "lace ... is the expression of the most rapturous moments
+  of whole dynasties of men of genius." So now you know. Even those of us
+  who regard it with a calmer pulse can take pleasure in the many excellent
+  photographs of lace-work of different periods and schools that adorn Mr.
+  <font class="sc">Wright's</font> volume. As for the letter-press, though
+  I will not call the writer's style wholly equal to his zeal, his chapters
+  are full of interesting gossip, ranging from the late <font
+  class="sc">Katherine of Aragon</font> (the originator, according to one
+  theory, of English lace-making), to some jolly stuff on the literature of
+  Bobbins and the old Tells, or working-songs, sung by "the spinners and
+  the knitters in the sun, and the free maids that weave their threads with
+  bones." I have a fancy that the whole volume has been more or less a
+  labour of love (never certainly did I meet an author with such a list of
+  helpers to thank), so I am glad to think that its reward in one sense is
+  already assured.</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+  <p>In <i>The Fairy Man</i> (<font class="sc">Dent</font>), a most
+  engrossing phantasy, Mr. <font class="sc">L. Cope Cornford</font> takes
+  for raw material a family of Maida Vale, victims of all those petty,
+  sordid, but deadly troubles known only to the middle class. Without
+  warrant, explanation, or excuse he introduces into their routine a sudden
+  touch of magic; the tired City man, the acid foster-mother, the children
+  (mercifully devoid of any priggishness), and the pre-eminently human
+  housemaid and cook are transplanted for a moment into the age of the
+  knights-errant. Thither also are transplanted their special friends and
+  enemies, all retaining their modern identities and their current
+  troubles, and all getting unpleasantly involved in the troubles of the
+  ancients, to boot. Eventually the interlude is found to have provided the
+  solution of the difficulties, pecuniary and other, of the home in Maida
+  Vale; and I will say no more than that a very telling story ends well and
+  naturally. No reader should imagine he has read all this before; the
+  admixture of fairy imagination with the intensely practical things of
+  life is something new, and there is a definite purpose in it all. The
+  book may be labelled intellectual, but the characters always remain very
+  human; thus <i>George</i>, finding himself back in the times of a
+  thousand years ago, says critically, "It looks old, but it feels just the
+  same;" and his father, seeing him engaged in an assault on the castle,
+  shouts, "George! put that sword down instantly." Mr. <font
+  class="sc">Cornford</font> makes his points with such discretion and
+  understanding that even the most solid materialist must, after reading,
+  feel a little less sure of himself.</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+  <p>I rather think that if I had the opportunity of discussing with <font
+  class="sc">Elinor Mordaunt</font> her <i>Old Wine in New Bottles</i>
+  (<font class="sc">Hutchinson</font>) and had the courage to say what was
+  in my mind: "Don't you think perhaps that your vigorous and unexpected
+  characters are out of story-land rather than out of life?" and if she
+  riposted, "But is it necessary they should be like life if they are
+  life-like?" I should be left with no more effective retort than "Quite,"
+  or something just as futile. For there's no doubt that these queer
+  villains, Chinese dealers, bold sailormen, travellers, rapt lovers, do
+  get over the footlights in an effective way. They do the things that are
+  only done in magazines, but they do them with a gusto which engages the
+  attention. Perhaps indeed that's what the author meant by her ingenious
+  title; though I suppose her device of setting before each story a longer
+  or shorter, more or less relevant, passage from the Old Testament gives a
+  clearer clue to the precise way in which she interprets "nothing new
+  under the sun." I cheerfully prescribe of this old wine one or two
+  bottles at bedtime. Better not, I think, the whole case at a sitting.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+  <div class="figcenter" style="width:50%;">
+      <a href="images/190.png"><img width="100%" src="images/190.png"
+      alt="" /></a>
+    <p><i>Tramp.</i> "<font class="sc">Yes, Mum, I'm an old soldier; fought
+    in the&mdash;</font>"</p>
+
+    <p><i>Mrs. Tommy Atkins.</i> "<font class="sc">D'you still remember the
+    Army training?</font>"</p>
+
+    <p><i>Tramp.</i> "<font class="sc">That I do, Mum. Haven't forgotten a
+    single word o' command</font>."</p>
+
+    <p><i>Mrs. T.A.</i> "<font class="sc">Then, About&mdash;turn!
+    Quick&mdash;march!</font>"</p>
+  </div>
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+<pre>
+
+
+
+
+
+End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol.
+158, March 10th, 1920, by Various
+
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+</pre>
+
+</body>
+</html>
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@@ -0,0 +1,2025 @@
+The Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 158,
+March 10th, 1920, by Various
+
+This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with
+almost no restrictions whatsoever.  You may copy it, give it away or
+re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included
+with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org
+
+
+Title: Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 158, March 10th, 1920
+
+Author: Various
+
+Release Date: July 27, 2005 [EBook #16364]
+
+Language: English
+
+Character set encoding: ASCII
+
+*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH, OR THE LONDON ***
+
+
+
+
+Produced by Jonathan Ingram, Keith Edkins and the Online
+Distributed Proofreading Team at https://www.pgdp.net
+
+
+
+
+
+PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
+
+VOL. 158.
+
+
+
+March 10th, 1920.
+
+
+
+
+CHARIVARIA.
+
+There are one hundred thousand more people living in London than in New
+York. But they are only just living.
+
+* * *
+
+"The Home Rule Bill," says _The Irish Unionist Alliance_, "would, if put
+into operation, cause friction in Ireland." We are sorry to hear this, for
+friction is the last thing we want to see in Ireland.
+
+* * *
+
+M. GRABSKI, who has just asked for the loan of three thousand million
+francs, is the Polish Minister of Finance. Yet people say there is nothing
+in a name.
+
+* * *
+
+A Welsh Prohibition Bill is suggested. We think it should be pointed out
+that the Welsh language is natural and not due to over-indulgence.
+
+* * *
+
+DEMPSEY, the American Boxer, is to be charged with "draft-dodging." The
+other charge of COCHRAN-dodging will not be proceeded with.
+
+* * *
+
+Gold in the mouth, says the American Academy of Dental Science, is out of
+date. Much the same applies to gold in the pocket.
+
+* * *
+
+We understand that an American syndicate has been formed for the purpose of
+acquiring the sole rights in a suit of clothes by a London tailor.
+
+* * *
+
+American whisky is said to create in consumers a desire to climb trees.
+British whisky, on the other hand, seems to create in the Americans a
+desire to cross the Atlantic.
+
+* * *
+
+With reference to the road-mender who fell down last week and injured
+himself an explanation has now been given. It appears that the colleague
+next to him must have moved.
+
+* * *
+
+No fewer than twenty-seven poems on Spring have been received by one weekly
+paper editor. Yet there are people who still maintain that the crime wave
+is on the wane.
+
+* * *
+
+"The Irish swear by two staple beverages," says _The Daily Mail_. We feel,
+however, that an Irishman who was really trying could swear by more than
+this.
+
+* * *
+
+We understand that the Foreign Office takes a serious view of the large
+number of public-houses which have been burgled during the last few weeks.
+It is feared that it may be the work of a foreign spy who is endeavouring
+to secure the recipe of British Government ale.
+
+* * *
+
+"A large number of army tanks have been sent to Africa," announces an
+article in a daily paper. However, as the brontosaurus is supposed to
+devour four of these delicacies at every meal, it is feared that unless a
+great many more are sent out immediately this dainty animal may be faced
+with extermination.
+
+* * *
+
+A morning paper announces that all airships of "R 34" type are now
+obsolete. We have decided to stick a pin in each of ours.
+
+* * *
+
+From Ireland comes the pleasing news that the wife of a well-known Sinn
+Feiner has just presented her husband with a little bomberette.
+
+* * *
+
+Since the publication of Professor KEITH'S statistics of efficiency,
+showing the superiority of the physical condition of miners over that of
+almost every other class of worker, the argument, so popular with the
+advocates of nationalisation, that a miner's occupation is a most unhealthy
+one, has been given a rest.
+
+* * *
+
+"I doubt if even the youngest child to-day will live to see the real fruits
+of the War," said the Bishop of Lincoln last week. Another unmerited slight
+on the O.B.E.
+
+* * *
+
+"Visitors to the Zoo," says _The Daily Mail_, "should not miss the rare
+spectacle of the highest five animals under one roof--the gorilla, the
+chimpanzee, the orang-outang, the gibbon and man." Naturally everybody is
+asking, "Who is the lucky man?"
+
+* * *
+
+A merciless campaign against rats is to be waged by the inhabitants of a
+large Yorkshire town. This is supposed to be the outcome of the continued
+indifference with which these rodents have treated the many propaganda
+campaigns which the town has organised.
+
+* * *
+
+Liverpool City Council is to consider the appointment of women park-
+keepers. In support it is urged that when it comes to persuading a paper
+bag to go along quietly the superior tact of a woman is bound to tell.
+
+* * *
+
+Arrangements for the continuation of the Food Ministry, it is stated, are
+still incomplete. It would be a thousand pities if a mere abundance of food
+should lead to the disappearance of this valuable department.
+
+* * *
+
+"Will the gentlemen on the Allied Surrender List," says the _Berlin
+Official Gazette_, "inform the German authorities of their address?" This
+is a typical piece of Teutonic duplicity. There are, of course, no
+gentlemen on the List.
+
+* * *
+
+The chiffchaff has been heard in Hampshire and a couple of road-peckers
+were observed last week hovering in the neighbourhood of Wellington Street.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Holiday-maker_ (_in difficulties._) "OH, DASH IT! THERE
+GOES THAT LETTER MY WIFE GAVE ME TO POST A WEEK AGO."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+ANOTHER IMPENDING APOLOGY.
+
+    "Principal ---- said there was a historical connection between the
+    Royal Asylum for the Insane and the University of Edinburgh."--_Scots
+    Paper._
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "The British rule in India is as savage as that of the Turk in
+    Armenia."--_Washington Times._
+
+Not the "_George_ Washington Times," you'll note.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+MEN AND THINGS OF THE MOMENT.
+
+    [Mr. Punch cannot hold himself responsible for the views expressed in
+    the following correspondence.]
+
+THE MALLABY-DEELEY EMPORIUM.
+
+DEAR MR. PUNCH,--I want you to use your influence with that great
+philanthropist, Mr. MALLABY-DEELEY. I know that he is too modest to claim
+to be a benefactor of the race, but I am at least right in calling him
+"Mr.," for that is how he describes himself on his shop-window, and he
+would never have done that if he had not desired to avoid confusion with
+the common tradesman. Well, I want you to enlist his powerful sympathy in
+the cause of the struggling middle classes, to which body I belong. I refer
+particularly to our crying need for dinner-jackets at reasonable prices. I
+am one of those who spend their holidays at seaside hotels, where people
+make a point of dressing for dinner in the hope of giving their fellow-
+guests the impression that this is their daily habit in the home circle. In
+view of the early advent of Spring I approached my tailor, the other day,
+with inquiries as to the cost of an abbreviated dinner-suit. His prices
+were as follows:--jacket L10 10s. 0d.; waistcoat L3 3s. 0d.; trousers L4
+10s. 0d.; total L18 3s. 0d. I am old enough to recall the time when the
+most _elite_ tailors of Savile Row charged no more than L10 10s. 0d. for a
+complete evening costume, uncurtailed.
+
+I am all for the cheap supply of "gentlemen's lounge-suits" for the
+so-called working-classes to lounge in. I know of no surer antidote to the
+spirit of Bolshevism. But let us not forget the claims of the middle
+classes, who are the backbone of the Empire. If Mr. MALLABY-DEELEY cannot
+help us in the direction I have indicated, then let Mr. KENNEDY JONES, on
+behalf of the Middle Class Union, put a hyphen to his name and open a shop
+for the sale of evening wear at demi-popular prices.
+
+  Yours faithfully,
+  SURBITONIAN.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+DEAR MR. PUNCH,--It would be a thousand pities if Mr. MALLABY-DEELEY'S
+beneficent scheme should fail for lack of advertisement. Could you not
+persuade your colleagues of the Press to publish from day to day the route
+of his car's progress from his private residence (or the terminus from
+which he debouches) to his place of business, as in the case of the new
+Member for Paisley? My only fear is that the Coalition Government might be
+suspected of adopting the Wee Free methods of publicity for political ends;
+but this would surely be an unworthy suspicion in the case of a movement
+designed for the benefit not of a party, but of mankind.
+
+  Yours faithfully,
+  STAGE MANAGER.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE DECLINE OF LEARNING.
+
+DEAR SIR,--I look for your sympathy when I say that I regard the abolition
+of compulsory Greek at Oxford as tantamount to the collapse of the last
+bulwark of British Culture. It is idle for the advocates of this act of
+vandalism to protest that the spirit of Ancient Hellas can be adequately
+conveyed in the form of translations, and to illustrate this futile
+argument by reference to the authorised version of the Hebrew Scriptures.
+Admirable as that version may be, is it for a moment to be supposed that it
+can take the place of the original as a source of spiritual education? or
+that our appreciation of Holy Writ would not be a hundred-fold increased if
+it were fortified by a knowledge of the first principles of Hebraic syntax
+and by an elementary acquaintance with Hebraic composition. It is
+impossible to estimate the influence of such knowledge in tending to endear
+the Bible to our youth. To me indeed it has always been incomprehensible
+that our Prelates, who presumably have the welfare of the Church at heart,
+have never insisted on making Hebrew a compulsory subject for Responsions.
+
+And now Greek has gone and Oxford is the home of one more lost cause. The
+gods (of the gallery) may be with the winners, but it is the losing side
+that still appeals to
+
+  Yours incorruptibly,
+  CATO.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+"_THE TIMES'_ FLIGHT."
+
+DEAR MR. PUNCH,--His many friends (among whom I take leave to count myself)
+will heartily sympathise with Dr. CHALMERS MITCHELL on the engine troubles
+he has passed through, culminating in the enforced curtailment of his
+scientific expedition. It is gratifying to think that the pure and lofty
+spirit of research which animated the great newspaper-proprietor who sent
+him forth on this mission has been vindicated by the Doctor's discovery of
+an unmapped volcano. Regrettably the conditions under which he observed it
+precluded him from making an expert survey of it, and even from securing
+specimens of its geological structure. The possibility of such an
+unfortunate contingency, which may have escaped the consideration of the
+promoter of the expedition, was recognised by other scientists. But it was
+confidently expected by his Zoological _confreres_ that his voyage of
+exploration would add largely to our knowledge of the habits and customs of
+the fauna of Africa, and notably of the giraffe, as coming, by the
+exceptional development of its neck, within closest range of his vision as
+he flew through the vast inane.
+
+Even better opportunities for the observation of animal life would, it was
+thought, occur during the occasional intervals spent on _terra firma_ for
+purposes of repose or repair. And indeed one is greatly intrigued by the
+following terse and airmanlike entry in the log for February 20th: "Much
+disturbed by lions." Nothing is said of the actual capture of one of these
+interesting denizens of the jungle, but reference to such a feat might well
+have been omitted out of regard for brevity. Is it too much to hope that
+the enterprise of _The Times_ may yet be rewarded by the addition of a live
+lion to the Zoological Gardens?
+
+In any case, by the exceptional opportunities he enjoyed for a careful
+study of leaking cylinder jackets, insulating tape, red-leaded joints and
+missing engines the intrepid Doctor must have added largely to his
+knowledge of mechanical science, to say nothing of the botanical
+discoveries he made when his machine came within a few inches of contact
+with a banana-tree.
+
+I, for one, look forward eagerly to his return, when he will be able to
+narrate his experience with a fulness and freedom of language impossible in
+cabled despatches.
+
+  Yours faithfully,
+  STANLEY LIVINGSTONE JONES.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A "MALADE IMAGINAIRE"?
+
+    "Bath-chair wanted, small lady good condition."--_Ladies' Paper._
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A CHOICE OF SINECURES.
+
+    "LADY-NURSE-HELP; three girls (12, 10, eight); two maids kept; month's
+    holiday (fortnightly); salary L40."--_Daily Paper._
+
+    "WANTED, a Housemaid, wages 27s. 6d., no duties."--_New Zealand Paper._
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "Lady would like to Join jolly Family for Dinner every night."--_Advt.
+    in Daily Paper._
+
+Yes, but how long would they remain jolly?
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "Windsor Castle Niggers, from His Majesty's Chapel Royal, gave an
+    excellent programme."--_Local Paper._
+
+The programme merely announced them as "Windsor Castle Singers," but this
+no doubt was to give the audience a greater surprise.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "The revival of the Hunt Ball, and the intelligence that the Race Ball
+    is also to be re-introduced next month, has restored the ---- dance
+    season to its pre-war brilliance. The Hunt event passed off with
+    _eclair_."--_Local Paper._
+
+Supper seems to have been all right, anyhow.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: A CONVERTED SPIRIT.
+
+GENIUS OF ALCOHOL. "AND TO THINK THAT I WAS ONCE REGARDED AS AN IMPEDIMENT
+TO LOCOMOTION!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Mayfair Copper._ "NOW THEN, GET A MOVE ON, TARZAN. THIS
+AIN'T A MONKEY NEIGHBOURHOOD."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+WON ON THE POSTS.
+
+(_With the British Army in France._)
+
+The decisive victory of the Racing Club de Petiteville--late the _deuxieme
+equipage_ of the Sportif Club de Petiteville--over the _troisieme equipage_
+of the Societe Athletique de Pont Neuf would not appear to have any bearing
+on the washing of Percival's collars and pyjamas; but, according to Elfred
+Fry, there was a poignant connection between the two.
+
+When the Sportif Club received the challenge they doubted whether to accept
+it, as the Societe Athletique was rumoured to include several veterans
+approaching fifteen years of age and of tremendous physique. On being
+conceded the choice of ground, however, they took up the gage and trained
+and practised with such vigour that two days before the date of the match
+Georges Darre, right back, punted his toe through a previously suspected
+weak spot in the ball and irreparably ruined it. The Societe Athletique was
+informed of the disaster and asked to supply a ball, but they answered that
+no known authority or precedent existed for visiting teams providing the
+accessories. There was also an insinuation that the story of the burst ball
+was a fabrication, designed to give the Sportif Club a loophole of escape
+from a contest that spelt certain defeat.
+
+Stung to the quick, the _deuxieme equipage_ made an urgent appeal to the
+_premier equipage_ of the Sportif Club, who replied that this was the first
+intimation they had had of the existence of a _deuxieme equipage_, and
+recommended a tourney at marbles or a combat of peg-tops as being more
+suitable to their tender years.
+
+Naturally this insult could not be brooked, and it was decided to break
+away from the parent body and reorganise under the title of the Racing Club
+de Petiteville; but this did not help them to solve the question of a new
+ball. Then it was that Theo Navet, left half, and son of the
+_blanchisseuse_ in the rue Napoleon, had an inspiration, and Percival's
+pyjamas became linked up with the destinies of the club.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+"It wouldn't surprise me, Sir," said Elfred on the evening when Petiteville
+was ringing with the news of the Racing Club's victory by 4 _buts_ to 2,
+"if you are the only officer in Mess to-night with a reelly clean collar."
+
+"And why am I singled out for so much honour?" asked Percival, taking the
+slacks which Elfred produced from between the mattresses. "Has the
+Washer-women's Union handed in notices and made a complimentary exception
+in my case?"
+
+"Well, Sir, you _'ave_ been favoured, but it weren't a strike," explained
+Elfred. "You know, Sir, there's been an alarming short ration of coal an'
+fuel down in the village for a long time, an' two days ago Madame Navet,
+who does the orficers' washing, came up an' said she was bokoo fashay but
+the washing was napood for the week, becos she couldn't buy, beg, borrer
+nor steal enough fuel to keep her copper biling.... Do we wear the yaller
+boots to-night, Sir, or the _very_ yaller ones?"
+
+"The light pair," said Percival, "to give tone to the clean collar. But go
+on."
+
+"Well, I put it to Madame as my orficer was a very partickler gent, an'
+she'd gotter do our washing even if she 'ad to light 'er fire with the
+family dresser. She said she was desolated; she 'adn't sufficient coal to
+take the chill off a mouchoir. I thought of trying to borrer a sack for 'er
+from the quarter bloke, but our relations 'ave never been the same since
+the time I took my weekly ration of 'Pink Princesses' back an' arsked 'im
+to change 'em for cigarettes with a bit o' tobacco in.
+
+"After she'd gone I took a kit inventory 'an found we was down to our last
+clean collar, an' we looked like bein' a bit grubby in the matter of
+pyjamas. I went a walk to the canteen to think it over, an' on my way
+Madame's lad came up an' said 'is team 'ad an important match for two days
+later an' could I possibly oblige 'em with a football. Being a sportsman--I
+take a franc chance in the camp football sweep every week--I said I'd try
+what I could do, knowin' of a ball which me an' the other batmen punt about
+in our rare hintervals of leisure. But then the thought of that washing
+that wasn't washed came into my mind.
+
+"'See 'ere, Meredith,' I says. 'Je voo donneray a ball si votre mere does
+our washing toot sweet.'"
+
+"'E looked blue at this an' said they couldn't get fuel nohow.
+
+"'Compree scrounge?' says I.
+
+"It seems 'e did. It seems scrounging for fuel 'ad reached such a pitch in
+the village that people took their backyard fences in at night, 'an they
+'ad posted a policeman on the station to prevent 'em sawing away the
+waiting-room. But our washing 'ad to be done, 'an I thought if I got the
+whole of this football team scrounging they might find something as
+everyone else 'ad overlooked. So I pretended to be indifferink.
+
+"'Very well,' says I. 'San fairy ann. Napoo washing--napoo ball.'
+
+"That set 'em to work. Next day little boys were scraping the village over
+like fowls in a farmyard, getting a chip 'ere an' a shaving there, an'
+making themselves such a nuisance that there was talk of calling the
+gendarmerie out. They would 'ave done, too, only he'd laid down for a nap
+an' left strict orders 'e wasn't to be disturbed. Then they slipped into
+the Camp, trying to lay nefarious 'ands on empty ration boxes, but the Camp
+police spotted 'em an' chivied them off. I never seen our police so
+exhausted as they were at the end of that day.
+
+"'I can't think what's taken the little varmints,' said the Provost-
+Sergeant. 'It ain't the Fifth of November.'
+
+"On the whole it wasn't a good day's 'unting, but this morning I was waited
+on by a deputation wearing striped jerseys, which they appeared to 'ave put
+on at early dawn. They said the fire was lit under the copper, 'an could
+they 'ave the ball?
+
+"'Doucemong!' says I. 'Allay along, an' let's see the fire first.'
+
+"Yes, it were lit, but only just. The water was lukewarm an' the fuel 'ad
+nearly all burned away, an' Madame was standing looking at it hopelessly.
+
+"'Pas bong,' says I to the lads. 'Pas assay chaud. Voo scroungerez
+ongcore.'
+
+"They was frantic, becos it was nearly match time. I felt inclined to give
+'em the ball, but the thought of you, Sir, in a dirty collar--"
+
+"You may keep the pair of old riding-breeches you borrowed without
+permission," interrupted Percy.
+
+"Thank you, Sir. Then all at once the lads 'ad a confab an' went away, an'
+in a few minutes they was back with some lovely straight planed props of
+timber, an' they chopped 'em up in a jiffy 'an got the fire roaring 'ot,
+an' I gave 'em the ball, an' your collars is done an' the rest of your
+things is out drying an' will be finished to-morrow."
+
+"Of course I'm grateful," said Percival. "You might tell your young friends
+I'm willing to be a vice-president of their club--on the usual terms.
+What's the name of it?"
+
+"They tell me it's called 'The Racing Club,'" said Elfred. "But I think,
+Sir, you'd better give your subscription to the other club in the
+village--'The Sportif Club.' You see, Sir, they 'ad a match on to-day as
+well, an' when they arrived on the ground they found someone 'ad been and
+scrounged their goal-posts!"
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: "I SAY, EXCUSE ME, DEAR OLD TOP, BUT YOU MUSTN'T WEAR THAT
+GUNNER TIE NOW YOU'RE DEMOBBED. IT SIMPLY ISN'T DONE!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE ANNIVERSARY.
+
+Having unexpectedly retained possession of my seat in the Tube the other
+evening I over-read myself and ran past my station, so it was rather late
+when I reached home.
+
+"Hullo!" I called out cheerily.
+
+"Hullo!" echoed Margaret in a flat sort of voice; "you back?"
+
+I refrained from facetiousness and told her that I was.
+
+"Oh!" she said.
+
+"Well, well, Margaret," I said in a bright and bustling manner, "we haven't
+got on very well so far, have we? Can't you think of some subject on which
+we can conduct a conversation in words of more than one syllable? The
+skilful hostess should so frame her questions that not even the shyest
+visitor can fall back on a simple Yes or No. Now," I continued, spreading
+myself luxuriously over the chesterfield, "you know how shy I am. Try to
+draw me out, dear. I'm waiting."
+
+I lit a cigarette. Margaret looked reproachfully at me.
+
+"What was yesterday?" she said.
+
+"Tuesday, my dear. We will now have a little chat about Tuesday. Coming as
+it does so soon after Monday, it not unnaturally exhibits--"
+
+"Tuesday the 25th of February," said Margaret solemnly.
+
+"Possibly, my dear, possibly. But I cannot say that I find your remarks
+very interesting. They may be true, or they may not, but they certainly
+seem to me to lack that agreeable whimsicality usually so characteristic of
+you."
+
+"Our wedding-day," said Margaret impressively.
+
+"Was it really?" I said in a whisper. "And you let it pass without
+reminding me. Oh, how could you?"
+
+Margaret smiled.
+
+"I didn't think of it till this morning--after you had gone," she said.
+
+We both smiled. Then we laughed.
+
+"You know, we really are a dreadful couple." I said. "Your fault is greater
+than mine, though. I'll tell you why. Everyone knows that a man--especially
+a manly man--" I tugged my moustache and let my biceps out for a run--
+"never remembers anniversaries, whereas a woman--a womanly woman--does."
+Here I plucked a daffodil from a bowl near by and tucked it coyly behind
+her ear.
+
+"It really is rather awful of us." Margaret restored the daffodil to its
+young companions. "We've only been married three years, too, and yet
+already--" She threw out her arms in a hopeless gesture.
+
+"Still," I said presently, with my hand full of her hand--"still I daresay
+we shall get used to it in time--forgetting the day, I mean. After about
+the fourth lapse there will be hardly any sting in our little piece of
+annual forgetfulness."
+
+"We mustn't forget to remember we've forgotten it, though, Gerald, so that
+we can test the waning powers of the sting."
+
+"I can see this habit growing on us," I said dreamily; "a few more years
+and we shall forget we are married even. I shall come home one day--
+provided I remember where we live--and be horrified to find _you_
+established in my house and using my sealing-wax. Or maybe I shall arrive
+with some little offering of early rhubarb or forced artichokes only to be
+sternly ordered away by a wife who does not recognise me. 'Please take your
+greens round to the tradesmen's entrance,' you will say coldly."
+
+"I think," said Margaret, "that we ought to be extra nice to each other
+now, seeing how short our married life may be. Let's begin at once. You let
+me tidy your desk every day for you and--"
+
+"Won't twice a week satisfy you?" I asked desperately.
+
+"Perhaps; and anyway"--she put a little packet into my hand--"here's _my_
+present to you, even though you did forget yesterday."
+
+"You are a dear, Margaret. And now I'll tell you something. It was--"
+
+Just then James came in and announced dinner. James is all our staff; but
+her other name is Keziah, so we had no choice.
+
+As we sat down I took a small box out of my pocket.
+
+"Give this to your mistress, please," I said to James.
+
+"O-o-o. How ripping of you, Gerald! So you did remember, after all."
+
+"As soon as I got to the station this morning," I said, "I remembered that
+our wedding-day was to-day."
+
+Margaret lifted her eyebrows at me. "To-day?"
+
+"Yes. You are a little behind--or in front of--the times, I'm afraid. The
+twenty-fifth was a Tuesday last year, but it's trying Wednesday for a
+change now. Many Happy Returns of the Day, dear."
+
+We both laughed.
+
+"Now let's look at our presents," said Margaret happily.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+DORA AT THE PLAY.
+
+    ["You cannot buy a cigarette, or an ice, or a box of chocolates in a
+    theatre after eight o'clock--by order of D.O.R.A."--_Advt. passim._]
+
+  Attentive swain, whose lady has commanded you to be at her
+  Disposal as an escort on a visit to the theatre,
+  I give you precious doctrine that is certainly worth sticking to,
+  At least as long as Dora is alive on earth and kicking too.
+
+  If you would keep your fair companion satisfied and cheery, some
+  Provision must be made to fill the intervals so wearisome,
+  For many a gallant fellow has discovered with a shock o' late
+  That after 8 P.M. it's still a crime to sell a chocolate.
+
+  Though you may haunt the bar till ten and confidently mutter "Scotch,"
+  _She_ may not even clamour for a humble slab of butterscotch,
+  And should the heat suggest an ice--may I be rolled out flat if I
+  Distort the truth--it's courting gaol that harmless wish to gratify.
+
+  As for yourself, if you should yearn for blest tobacco's medium
+  In those long waits between the Acts to while away the tedium,
+  And find you're out of cigarettes, remember that to sell any
+  A minute past the fatal hour is counted as a felony.
+
+  Unless the pair of you affect the life ascetic, you'll
+  Be well advised to carry in a hamper or a reticule
+  A goodly store of provender, both smokeable and eatable,
+  For Dora's in the saddle yet and seemingly unseatable.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+BROODY.
+
+    "Will the Imperial Government hen proceed to a new conquest of Southern
+    Ireland?"--_Daily Paper._
+
+No, we expect it will be left sitting.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "HIDDEN MUMMIES.
+
+    The Museum authorities are receiving numerous inquiries when the
+    mummies will be on view, particularly for school children."--_Daily
+    Paper._
+
+We hope that the N.S.P.C.C. will see to it that all mummies are allowed to
+return to their families without further delay.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: MANNERS AND MODES.
+
+THEN AND NOW.
+
+[_From an Early-Victorian pocket "Etiquette for Gentlemen_":--"If you so
+far forget what is elegant as to smoke in the street or park, at least
+never omit to fling away your cigar if you speak to a lady."]]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: BEHIND THE SCENES IN CINEMA-LAND.
+
+IT IS A TERRIBLE MOMENT FOR THE FILM ACTOR WHEN HE REALISES THAT HE IS
+GETTING TOO FAT TO PLAY HERO, AND NOT FAT ENOUGH TO BE FUNNY.]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+GOLF NOTES.
+
+(_With acknowledgments to Mr. A.C.M. Croome._)
+
+APPROACHING.
+
+TAYLOR--or was it JAMES BRAID?--begins one of his classic and illuminating
+chapters with the quotation "_Ex pede Herculem_," nor can even we of the
+Oxford and Cambridge Golfing Society venture to differ from so eminent an
+authority or grudge him so apt a phrase. _Verb. sap._ and, let me add,
+_sat_. To those, few perhaps in actual reckoning (though I, wearing of
+right the wine-dark vesture--were there half Blues in HOMER'S time?--cannot
+compete with JOHN LOW _et hoc genus omne_, Cantabs confessed, in the
+prestidigitation of numerals and weird signs of values)--to those, then,
+few, but of many parts appreciative, who followed a certain foursome at
+Addington last week, my premiss should be intrinsically incontrovertible.
+Partner, whom I had "made" with a drive well and truly apportioned--_ex
+carne ictum_--partner, after much self-searching and mental recursion to
+the maxims of TOM MORRIS and LA ROUCHEFOUCAULD, took his ball on the--_O
+horribile dictu_ (or shall I say _horresco referens_?)--well, to be
+meticulously exact, partner shanked it. And it is just here that those who
+have also enjoyed a University education will pick up--even as partner
+failed to do--what I, who write, am driving at.
+
+Remembering how dear old W.G.--in those halcyon days when Gloucester was
+worthy of the cheese whereof she is now so chary a producer--used to score
+with that heavy cut between point and cover, I too, greatly daring, cut it
+and laid it (the ball, not the cheese) dead. _De mortuis_ ... For assuredly
+it _was_ good.
+
+The one adornment of this episode should have been a quotation from
+ARISTOPHANES. It is not, however, given to all men always to remember. _Non
+cuivis_, in fact.
+
+OF IMPACT.
+
+It was at the ensuing consumption of Bohea, or of its substitute as
+provided by a paternal Government, that one of the party, with the rashness
+of a _d'Artagnan_, reverted to the question of weight of clubs. ABE
+MITCHELL'S driver, of course, gave him a handle; but himself he, unaided,
+gave away. For it is not to be boasted by every man that he has been
+blessed with an _Alma Mater_, and that consequently logic is to him even as
+hair and teeth--save only that these twain be not false. For, said this
+unhappy wight, increase the weight and the corollary is length increased.
+
+Then arose a certain justly eminent author, whose list of tales is equalled
+only by the tale of his handicap, and demonstrably discounted weight
+without pace.
+
+It was then agreed that a test _ad hominem_ should be applied, and that the
+result of such test should determine the individuality of him who should
+settle with our Ganymede. Partner and I pushed--_gemitu et fremitu_--a
+bulky sideboard against a paper ball. The inertia of the object was barely
+overcome.
+
+Then the man of letters flicked it across the room with finger and thumb.
+And the original theorist became the poorer by the commercial estimate of
+four teas and jam.
+
+PUTTING.
+
+It has been said elsewhere, yet may not therefore be wholly lacking in
+elemental veracity, that putting is the devil. Systems more numerous than
+dactyls and spondees in Classic verse, patent putters outnumbered only by
+howlers in Oxford responsions, bear witness to this graceless statement.
+Quite lately in these columns have I confessed--_pulvere cineribusque_--
+that our side had twice failed at the inconsiderable distance of two yards,
+even after discarding the small thirty-two. But that further confession
+will be forthcoming is now wildly and preposterously problematical. For I
+have discovered the true exorcism for demoniac influence in putting. It is
+this: First catch your putter. Put the whole length of the shaft up your
+sleeve. Then--but I must retain something for next Saturday's notes, and,
+besides, I fancy the secretary of the Club where I am inditing these words
+has his frugal eye on the consumption of the note-paper. But what I have
+written I have written. _Litera scripta manet._
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Eminent London Architect_ (_submitting his designs to our
+Village Victory Memorial Committee and warming to his work_). "...AND,
+SURMOUNTING THE WHOLE, A GRACEFUL FIGURE OF VICTORY, WITH WREATH--SO."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE COALITION OF 1950.
+
+"Aren't you being rather badly hit by the price of tobacco?" I asked
+Charles, whose pipe is a kind of extra limb to him.
+
+"I have just been composing the plot of a novel," he replied with apparent
+irrelevance. "It begins something like this:--
+
+"'Slowly and softly the violet dusk set in. The beautiful young Premiere
+stood at the window of her yellow-and-black boudoir, gazing a little
+wistfully at the almost deserted pavements of Downing Street. A white
+pigeon perched--'"
+
+"They aren't white," I said; "they're a sort of purply pinky grey."
+
+"All right," said Charles, unmoved, "only it rather spoils the sentence. 'A
+sort of purply pinky grey pigeon perched pompously--'"
+
+"Never mind the pigeon," I said, "tell me what was the trouble with the
+B.Y.P."
+
+"A change in the leadership of the Opposition. The old leaderess had just
+retired and her place had been taken by a new one, a man this time, young
+and handsome as Apollo, who had thrown up the Chair of Cinematography at
+the London University to plunge on to a political platform."
+
+"What was the programme," I inquired, "of this--er--furniture-remover?"
+
+"He was a reactionary," said Charles. "The Premiere's party had won a not
+too sweeping victory at the polls on prohibition (not of alcohol, of
+course--that had been done long ago--but of tobacco)."
+
+"How on earth did she do it?"
+
+"National economy, mostly," answered Charles. "She had the wives' vote
+solid, and they carried the more docile of the husbands with them. She had
+to throw out bribes to the unmarried electorate of both sexes, of course,
+bribes which she had since been attempting to pay. Powder and chocolates
+had been made cheaper. There was the Endowment of Cinemas Act of 1948, and
+the Subsidized Football Bill of '49. But all these extravagances had
+largely ruined the effect of the abolition of tobacco. At the beginning of
+that year she had been obliged to cancel the State holiday on Mondays--"
+
+"Why Mondays?" I inquired.
+
+"Everyone feels beastly on Monday."
+
+"But I don't see why they should feel any better on Tuesday."
+
+"It was twenty-four hours nearer Saturday," he replied, "and Saturday was
+also a State holiday. Labour, of course, was infuriated, and unrest was
+every day becoming more apparent. The by-elections were going against the
+Premiere. And now this new handsome young hero had arisen not only to
+crystallise the support of his own sex, but capture the hearts of all the
+female electorate under twenty."
+
+"Twenty!" I gasped.
+
+"Everyone over fifteen had the franchise," said Charles calmly. "Now mark
+you, the programme of the Opposition was very cunning. They only proposed
+to reintroduce cigar and cigarette smoking. Edward Oburn, the young leader,
+being a film actor, naturally smoked nothing but exquisite Havanas. In this
+he had the support of the wealthier employers, but the enormous army of
+cigarette-suckers, male and female, was with him.
+
+"But I don't see how he proposed to cut down expenses," I objected.
+
+"He was going to tax the printing of all words over two syllables in
+length," replied Charles. "The Press of those days was not affected by the
+proposal, but a considerable revenue was expected from scientific books,
+high-brow novels and Socialistic publications. Well, the Premiere, as I
+say, was a prey to sad reflections, when suddenly the chur-chur of a
+taxi--"
+
+"Aren't you thinking of night-jars?" I said.
+
+"Possibly I am," he admitted; "it may have been a chug-chug. Anyway, it
+threw a wide arc of light into the gloom and stopped at the door of No. 10.
+A few moments later the door of the boudoir was flung open and the
+Chancellor of the Exchequer was announced."
+
+"What did _she_ want?"
+
+"She was a he this time, and had come to announce the inevitable--the very
+thing that the Premiere was thinking about and fearing. 'We must have the
+Bachelor Tax,'" he said.
+
+"Now, the Bachelor Tax had been tried some twenty years before, but had
+failed, partly owing to the number of passive resisters who had had to be
+forcibly fed, and partly owing to the number of men who had shown
+substantial proof of recurrent rejections. How were they to bring in a
+reasonable and satisfactory Bill? After a long consultation, lasting
+several hours beyond midnight--"
+
+"Did the taxi go on chugging?" I asked.
+
+"Shut up. They decided eventually that if a bachelor made a written
+proposal and was rejected he was entitled to have his case tried before a
+jury of women, who should decide whether it was a reasonable offer and one
+that should normally have been accepted. If they found that it was, he was
+to be exempt from further efforts. The Bill was accordingly drafted, and
+carried easily, and the sequel no doubt you have guessed. On the day after
+it became law the beautiful young Premiere received a neatly-typed offer of
+marriage from Edward Oburn. They met; there was a scene of the utmost
+beauty and pathos; they became engaged, and the Coalition Government of the
+middle of 1950 began."
+
+"How long did it go on?" I inquired.
+
+"Until the day of revolution," said Charles pleasantly, refilling his foul
+old briar--"the great day when Fleet Street ran with blood and the
+pipe-smokers put up barricades in the Strand, and Piccadilly became a
+reeking shambles. Have you got a match?"
+
+EVOE.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Knowledgeable Female_ (_interpreting costumes to the
+crowd_). "AND 'IM--'E'S A ESQUIMOKE."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "The chauffeur, who sprang into the vehicle as it started off, was
+    injured when it collided with a lamppost. Both were removed to
+    hospital.--_Daily Paper._
+
+It is hoped that when the lamp-post has recovered it may throw some light
+on the accident.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+"'In a few more fleeting years'
+
+    The ---- will still be Earning Money for its owner when other cars have
+    caused their owners to become but a memory."--_Provincial Paper._
+
+The advertiser ought not, we think, to have suppressed the names of these
+murderous machines.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: THE KINDEST CUT OF ALL.
+
+WELSH WIZARD. "I NOW PROCEED TO CUT THIS MAP INTO TWO PARTS AND PLACE THEM
+IN THE HAT. AFTER A SUITABLE INTERVAL THEY WILL BE FOUND TO HAVE COME
+TOGETHER OF THEIR OWN ACCORD--(_ASIDE_)--AT LEAST LET'S HOPE SO; I'VE NEVER
+DONE THIS TRICK BEFORE."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT.
+
+[Illustration: MR. ASQUITH SITS UP AND TAKES NOTICE.
+
+"THE MANCHESTER SCHOOL OF POLITICS IS DEAD AND THERE IS NO GOING BACK TO
+IT."--_Mr. NEIL MACLEAN._]
+
+_Monday, March 1st._--Calendar note (extracted from _The Wee Free
+Almanack_): "Asquith comes in like a lion."
+
+Everybody wanted to see the victor of Paisley make his _rentree_. The
+Peers' Gallery was so crowded with his former colleagues that Lord
+ROTHERMERE had scarcely room for the big stick which typifies his present
+attitude towards the Government. Poor Lord BEAVERBROOK was quite in the
+background; but I am told that on historic occasions he always prefers,
+with characteristic modesty, to be behind the scenes.
+
+As the hero of the hour walked up the floor, escorted by Sir DONALD MACLEAN
+and Mr. THORNE, his supporters did their best to give him a rousing
+welcome. But they were too few to produce much effect, and a moment or two
+later, when Mr. LLOYD GEORGE left the Treasury Bench to greet his old chief
+behind the SPEAKER'S Chair, they were compelled to hear the young bloods of
+the Coalition "give a louder roar."
+
+Finding the traditional seat of the Leader of the Opposition still in the
+occupation of Mr. ADAMSON, Mr. ASQUITH bestowed himself between the Labour
+Leader and Mr. NEIL MACLEAN, with whom he entered into conversation. If he
+was endeavouring to expound for his benefit the moral of Paisley I am
+afraid he had but a poor success, for in the ensuing debate on food-control
+the Member for Govan shocked Liberal hearers by declaring that "the
+Manchester School is dead and there is no going back to it." In opposing
+the continuance of D.O.R.A. Captain ELLIOT was again in good form. His best
+_mot_, "With the Cabinet a thing is always either _sub judice_ or _chose
+jugee_," will take a good deal of beating as a summary of the Ministerial
+method of answering Questions.
+
+[Illustration: SUPPLEMENTARY QUESTIONS ON THE CLOTHING DIFFICULTY.
+
+MR. G.R. THORNE TO ASK MR. MALLABY-DEELEY (CONTROLLER OF SUITINGS) WHAT IS
+THE PRICE OF HIS LATEST CUT.
+
+LT.-COL. WILL THORNE TO ASK WHETHER ANY REDUCTION IS MADE IN PROPORTION TO
+QUANTITY OF CLOTH PURCHASED.]
+
+I understand that Mr. MALLABY-DEELEY disclaims being the customer to whom
+the Disposals Board sold 577,000 suits of Government clothing. He makes a
+point of never being over-dressed.
+
+A suggestion that in view of the difficulty of filling diplomatic vacancies
+the Government should appoint suitable women to some of these posts was
+declined by the PRIME MINISTER on the ground that it was not practicable at
+present. I doubt if he would have had the hardihood to make this avowal but
+that Lady ASTOR had been ousted from her usual seat by Mr. PEMBERTON
+BILLING.
+
+_Tuesday, March 2nd._--Lieut.-Commander KENWORTHY might be described as a
+pacificist who conducts a persistent offensive. He accused the WAR MINISTER
+of having made a false statement about Conscription in America, and later
+on made an allusion to General DENIKIN which Mr. CHURCHILL, to the
+satisfaction of the House, which does not exactly love the Central
+Hullaballoonist, described as "a singularly ill-conditioned sneer."
+
+Lord WINTERTON, once the "baby" of the House, is still one of its most
+popular figures. Members were quite interested as he proceeded to explain,
+with an engaging blush, that a "hard case" which he had brought to the
+notice of the WAR MINISTER was his own, and sorry when the SPEAKER brought
+the narrative to a sudden stop by observing, "This is not the moment for
+autobiography."
+
+The FIRST COMMISSIONER OF WORKS was roundly abused for having spent L3,250
+on tapestry for Hampton Court Palace. But when it turned out that the panel
+in question was the long-missing number of a set belonging to Cardinal
+WOLSEY, and that its recovery was largely due to the enterprise and
+munificence of the right hon. gentleman himself, the House agreed that his
+completion of "Seven Deadly Sins" was a venial offence.
+
+[Illustration: THE HULLABALLOONIST.
+
+LIEUT.-COMMANDER KENWORTHY.]
+
+Other Estimates evoked more healthy criticism. Sir FREDERICK BANBURY was
+eloquent upon what he called a "hotel for gardeners" at Kew. Mr. HOGGE was
+for rooting up the Royal Botanical Gardens, since they were hardly ever
+visited by Scotsmen, and Captain STANLEY WILSON inveighed against the
+extravagance with which the British delegates were housed in Paris. Sir
+ALFRED MOND admitted that they "did themselves very well," but pleaded that
+they could hardly be expected to go to Montmartre--at least not
+collectively--and pointed out that some of the criticisms should be
+addressed to other Departments. He was not responsible, for example, for
+"clothes of typists."
+
+_Wednesday, March 3rd._--Among the things that they do better in France,
+according to Lord SUDELEY, is the popularisation of picture-galleries and
+museums. He instanced the pictures on French match-boxes. But were they
+always confined to reproductions of Louvre masterpieces? My recollection is
+that at one time they took a wider range and were distinctly more striking
+than the matches.
+
+One was reminded of PRAED'S lines--
+
+  "Hume, no doubt, will be taking the sense
+  Of the House on a question of thirteen-pence"--
+
+when the Government very nearly came to grief to-night over a question of
+five pounds for the Inland Revenue offices in Manchester. In vain Mr.
+BALDWIN pointed out the desirability of giving proper accommodation to the
+gentlemen who pick our pockets in the interest of the State. The House was
+still obstinate, until Mr. BONAR LAW declared that the Government would
+resign if they did not get their "fiver." As he undertook, however, not to
+spend it without further leave, the vote at last went through.
+
+_Thursday, March 4th._--Lord BUCKMASTER'S scheme for preventing the
+bankruptcy of the State is to make everybody invest a portion of his
+capital in Government securities and to withhold the interest until such
+time as the State should find it convenient to pay. This, he explained to
+his own satisfaction, was quite different from that dangerous expedient, a
+levy on capital. Lord PEEL took a more cheerful view of the situation, and
+indicated that it was quite unnecessary for noble lords to get the wind up,
+since the Government would have no difficulty in raising it.
+
+Even the most rigid economists will not cavil at the latest addition to our
+financial burdens. The PENSIONS MINISTER announced an addition of close on
+two millions a year to the annual charge. The increase is chiefly for a
+much-needed improvement in the allowances made to disabled officers, who
+have hitherto been but scurvily treated.
+
+Mr. HIGHAM objected to receiving an answer about the telephones from Mr.
+PIKE PEASE. He demanded a reply from the PRIME MINISTER, not from a
+representative of the department impugned. The SPEAKER, however, pointed
+out that there were limits to the PREMIER'S responsibilities: "He does not
+run the whole show." After this descent into the vernacular I half-expected
+that Mr. LOWTHER would dam the stream of Supplementaries that followed
+with, "Oh, ring off!" but he contented himself with calling the next
+Question.
+
+The debate on the Third Reading of the War Emergency Laws (Continuance)
+Bill was chiefly devoted to Ireland. Captain WEDGWOOD BENN, after spending
+a whole week in that country, is convinced that all the trouble is due to
+the Government's reliance upon D.O.R.A., and declared that the only people
+who were not in gaol were the murderers. That would mean that there are
+some four million assassins in Ireland; which I feel sure is an
+exaggeration. The two hundred thousand mentioned by the CHIEF SECRETARY
+would seem to be ample for any country save Russia.
+
+Scarcely was this gloomy episode over than the House was called upon to
+pass a Supplementary Estimate of L860 for "Peace Celebrations in Ireland."
+As L500 of this sum was for flags and decorations, which, in Mr. BALDWIN'S
+phrase, "remain for future use," the Irish outlook may, after all, be not
+quite so black as it is painted.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Hawker_ (_to lady who is in bitter need of fuel_). "EAGER
+AS I AM, MADAM, TO EXPLAIN THE MERITS OF THESE LOGS AT FOURTEEN SHILLINGS A
+HUNDRED, I CANNOT IGNORE THE NOTICE EMBLAZONED ON YOUR GATE, AND THEREFORE
+WISH YOU A VERY GOOD DAY."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A BUY ELECTION.
+
+    [The excellent precedent set by Mr. MALLABY-DEELEY in supplying needed
+    goods at cheap rates may prove a little awkward if adopted by
+    Parliamentary Candidates, as shown in the following anticipatory
+    report.]
+
+Quiet confidence reigned in the ranks of the Muddleboro Labour Party. The
+action of their Candidate, Mr. Dulham, in arranging for a co-operative milk
+supply at sixpence per quart, was supposed to have won the hearts of all
+householders. They had no fear of Mr. Coddem, the representative of the
+great BOTTOMLEY party. It was true that Mr. Coddem had taken over a local
+brewery and was supplying beer at threepence per pint. But the Labour
+stalwarts argued that, in the first place, this would lose him the women's
+and temperance vote, and, in the second place, the electors would drink the
+brewery dry in double-quick time. All those who failed to get cheap beer
+would revenge themselves on the Candidate who had failed to keep his
+promise.
+
+The Wee Free cause was nearly hopeless. Their candidate, Mr. Guff, had made
+a desperate bid for popularity by offering, in conjunction with _The Daily
+News_, cocoa at reduced rates. But the Labour Candidate had put the pointed
+question, "Who made cocoa dear in the first place?" and Mr. Guff had evaded
+the question.
+
+When Mr. Stilts, the National Party Candidate, promised the public cheaper
+honours--urging that, if he were returned, it would be unnecessary to
+subscribe to party funds to get a title--the voters were quite unmoved.
+Perhaps they knew that they could get the O.B.E. for nothing, anyhow, and
+had no higher ambitions.
+
+The Coalition Candidate, Mr. Jenkins, alone said nothing. _The Star_, that
+famous organ of the Anti-Gambling Party, proclaimed triumphantly that the
+odds offered in the constituency were ten to one against Jenkins. But Mr.
+Jenkins lay low and said nothing. Or rather he achieved the not impossible
+feat in a Parliamentary contest of saying nothing and saying a good deal.
+
+But the day before the poll Mr. Jenkins's polling cards were delivered.
+They were headed, "Vote for Jenkins and Kill Profiteering. Give up this
+card at your polling-station for free samples of silks in my great blouse
+offer. I sell for 9s. 11-3/4d. a blouse usually priced at two guineas. Not
+more than six sold to any one voter. OUT SIZES NO EXTRA CHARGE."
+
+A quarter-mile queue of lady-voters was standing outside the polling booths
+at eight o'clock. Hundreds of them had their husbands in custody with them.
+In vain were representations of the Full Milk Jug and the Flowing Pint Pot
+paraded before them. The Wee Free procession, headed by a Brimming Cocoa
+Cup, was received with jeers.
+
+When the poll was declared the figures ran--
+
+  Jenkins (Coalition) ... 20,428
+  Coddem (Bottomley) ... 9,344
+  Dulham (Labour) ... 9,028
+  Guff (Wee Free) ... 2,008
+  Stilts (National Party) ... 49
+
+And _The Daily News_' headline the next day was--
+
+  "CORRUPT MINORITY CANDIDATE CARRIES MUDDLEBORO."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: DEMODE.
+
+_She._ "SOMEWHAT ARCHAIC--WHAT?"
+
+_He._ "YE--ES. ALL RIGHT SIX WEEKS AGO. _QUITE_ ACADEMICAL NOW."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+COMMERCIAL CANDOUR.
+
+From a poultry-breeder's advertisement:--
+
+    "My strains of Rhodes are only too well known."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "Miss Winnie ----, the charming and talented actress, writes:--'I am
+    quite positive--I owe my present health and spirits to ----.'"--_Advt.
+    in Daily Paper._
+
+    "Poor Miss Winnie ---- has had to retire suddenly from the revue--
+    doctor's orders."--_Same paper, same day._
+
+We should have liked to hear the Advertisement Manager's view of the News
+Editor.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: "OO, LUMME! WOT PRICE REGINALD IN 'IS MALLABY-DEELEYS?"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+FREUD AND JUNG.
+
+    [A reviewer in a recent issue of _The Times Literary Supplement_ asks,
+    "Why should the characters in the psychological novel be invariably
+    horrid?" and is inclined to explain this state of affairs by the
+    undiscriminating study of "the theories of two very estimable
+    gentlemen, the sound of whose names one is beginning to dislike--
+    Messrs. Freud and Jung."]
+
+  In QUEEN VICTORIA'S placid reign, the novelists of note
+  In one respect, at any rate, were all in the same boat;
+  Alike in _Richard Feverel_ and in _Aurora Floyd_
+  You'll seek in vain for any trace of Messrs. JUNG and FREUD.
+
+  They did not fail in colour, for they had their PEACOCK'S tales;
+  Their heroines, I must admit, ran seldom off the rails;
+  They had their apes and angels, but they never once employed
+  The psycho-analytic rules devised by JUNG and FREUD.
+
+  They ran a tilt at fraud and guilt, at snobbery and shams;
+  They had no lack of Meredithyrambic epigrams;
+  The types that most appealed to them were not neurasthenoid;
+  They lived, you see, before the day of Messrs. JUNG and FREUD.
+
+  (I've searched the last edition of the famous _Ency. Brit._
+  And neither of this noble pair is even named in it;
+  Only the men since Nineteen-Ten have properly enjoyed
+  The privilege of studying the works of JUNG and FREUD.)
+
+  Their characters, I grieve to say, were never more unclean
+  Than those of ordinary life, in morals or in mien;
+  They had not slummed or fully plumbed with rapture unalloyed
+  The unconscious mind as now defined by Messrs. JUNG and FREUD.
+
+  The spiritual shell-shock which these scientists impart
+  Had not enlarged or cleared the dim horizons of their art;
+  They had not learned that mutual love by wedlock is destroyed,
+  As proved by the disciples of the school of JUNG and FREUD.
+
+  The hierophants of pure romance, ev'n in its recent mood,
+  From STEVENSON to CONRAD, such excesses have eschewed;
+  But the psycho-pathologic route was neither mapped nor buoyed
+  Until the new discoveries of Messrs. JUNG and FREUD.
+
+  That fiction should be tonic all may readily agree;
+  That its function is emetic I, for one, could never see;
+  And so I'm glad to find _The Times Lit. Supp._ has grown annoyed
+  At the undiscriminating cult of Messrs. JUNG and FREUD.
+
+  Let earnest "educationists" assiduously preach
+  The value of psychology in training those who teach;
+  Let publicists who speak of Mr. GEORGE, without the LLOYD,
+  Confound him with quotations from the works of JUNG and FREUD--
+
+  But I, were I a despot, quite benevolent, of course,
+  Armed with the last developments of high-explosive force,
+  I'd build a bigger "Bertha," and discharge it in the void
+  Crammed with the novelists who brood on Messrs. JUNG and FREUD.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: "I S'POSE I MUSTN'T GO IN THE GARDEN WHILE YOU'RE RESTING,
+MUMMY?"
+
+"NO, DEAR--IT'S TOO DAMP."
+
+"IF I _DID_ GO IN THE GARDEN WHILE YOU'RE RESTING, MUMMY, WOULD YOU PUNISH
+ME OR REASON WITH ME?"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+OPERATICS.
+
+It has been suggested before now that Opera might be improved if the
+singing were done behind the scenes and the performance on the stage were
+carried out in dumb show by competent actors who looked their parts. But
+the idea that the movements on the stage would correspond with the
+utterances off it is not encouraged by the present lack of collusion
+between singers and orchestra--I refer to cases where a performer is
+required to simulate music on a dummy instrument.
+
+This reflection was forced upon me at a recent performance of _Tannhaeuser_.
+It is true that Miss LILLIAN STANFORD as the _Shepherd_ fingered her pipe
+in precise accord with the gentleman who played the music for her. But Mr.
+MULLINGS, as _Tannhaeuser_, took the greatest liberties with his harp. He
+just slapped it whenever he liked, without any regard to the motions of his
+collaborator. As for Mr. MICHAEL, who played _Wolfram_, he was content to
+fill in the vocal pauses with a little suitable strumming; but when he sang
+he was so distracted by his own voice that he left his harp to play the
+accompaniment without visible assistance from his hand.
+
+For the fine performance which Mr. ALBERT COATES conducted I have no word
+but of praise, except that I could have wished that Miss ELSA STRALIA had
+borne a closer resemblance to what is expected of _Elisabeth_. She seemed
+to want to look as much as possible like _Venus_, whose very opposite she
+should have been in type as in nature. Her colouring upset the whole scheme
+of contrast, and one never began to believe in the sincerity of her
+spiritual ideals or that her death from a broken heart was anything but an
+affectation.
+
+O.S.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A LEONINE REVIVAL.
+
+Amongst the dead lions of the past, some of us have prematurely reckoned
+those of Peterborough Court. MATT. ARNOLD was supposed to have
+administered, if not the _coup de grace_, at any rate a serious blow to
+their gambollings in _Friendship's Garland_.
+
+It is therefore a matter for unfeigned rejoicing to find that they are not
+only alive but rampant, with all their old splendid command of polysyllabic
+periphrasis. One need only turn to the notice of "The John Exhibition" in
+last Thursday's _Daily Telegraph_, from which we select the following
+page:--
+
+"It [the exhibition] is a display of purposeful portraiture that helps one
+to realise the effect which Theotokopoulos produced upon his watchful
+contemporaries, and to understand why the Cretan continued to walk alone on
+his way. If some insist on finding modern El Greco versions of Inspectors
+and Inquisitors-general in this John gathering, compounded of comparatively
+innocuous personalities, the privilege is, of course, permissible, and
+incidentally brightens conversation in irresponsible circles."
+
+But a higher level of full-throated _bravura_ is attained later on:--
+
+"If reiteration may also be the mark of the best portraiture, _pace_ Lord
+Fisher, commendation should be given to Mr. John for continuing to
+visualize the great seaman as Jupiter Tonans flashing in gold lace."
+
+How delightful it is, after the arid methods of the modern critics, bred up
+on BENEDETTO CROCE, to hear the old authentic leonine ecstasy of SALA,
+"monarch of the florid quill!" Mr. Punch, once hailed by the _D.T._ as "the
+Democritus of Fleet Street," on the strength of his "memorable monosyllabic
+monition," in turn salutes the immortal protagonist of the purple
+polysyllable.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+WITCHCRAFT.
+
+(_A Mediaeval Tragedy._)
+
+"I want," said the maiden, glancing round her with tremulous distaste at
+the stuffed crocodile, the black cat and the cauldron simmering on the
+hearth, "to see some of your complexion specialities."
+
+"You want nothing of the kind," retorted the witch. "Why prevaricate? A
+maid with your colour hath small need even of my triple extract of toads'
+livers. What you have really come for is either a love-potion--" she paused
+and glanced keenly at her visitor--"or the means to avenge love
+unrequited."
+
+The maiden had flushed crimson. "I wish he were dead!" she whispered.
+
+"Now you are talking. That wish is, of course, the simplest thing in the
+world to gratify, if only you are prepared to pay for it. I presume Moddam
+would not desire anything too easy?"
+
+"He had promised,", broke out the maiden uncontrollably, "to take me to the
+charity bear-baiting matinee in aid of unemployed ex-Crusaders. The whole
+thing was arranged. And then at the last moment--"
+
+"Precisely as I had supposed. A case for one of our superior wax images,
+made to model, with pins complete. Melted before a slow fire ensures the
+gradual wasting of the original with pangs corresponding to the insertion
+of each pin."
+
+The customer's fine eyes gleamed. "Give me one."
+
+"I will sell you one," corrected the witch. "But I should warn you. They
+are not cheap."
+
+"No matter."
+
+"Good. I was about to observe that since our sovereign liege KING RICHARD
+granted peace to the Saracen the cost both of material and labour hath so
+parlously risen that I am unable to supply a really reliable article under
+fifty golden angels."
+
+"I have them here."
+
+"With special pins, of course, extra."
+
+"Take what you will." The maiden flung down a leathern wallet that chinked
+pleasingly. The witch, having transferred the contents of this to her own
+pocket, proceeded to fashion the required charm, watched by her client with
+half-repelled eagerness.
+
+"Hawk's eye, falcon's nose, raven's lock, peacock's clothes," chanted the
+crone, following the words with her cunning fingers.
+
+"How--how know you him?" Panic was in the voice.
+
+The other laughed unpleasantly. "Doth not the whole district know the Lord
+Oeil-de-Veau by reputation?" She held out the image. "Handle him carefully
+and use a fresh pin for each record."
+
+The maid snatched it from her hands and was turning towards the door of the
+hut when a low tap on its outer surface caused her to shrink back alarmed.
+The witch had again been watching her with an ambiguous smile. "Should
+Moddam wish to avoid observation," she suggested, "the side exit behind
+yonder curtain--" In an instant she was alone. Flinging the empty wallet
+into the darkest corner the witch (not without sundry chuckles) slowly
+unbarred the entrance.
+
+On the threshold stood a slim female figure enveloped in a cloak. "The love
+potion I had here last week," began a timid voice, "seems hardly
+satisfactory. If you stock a stronger quality, no matter how expensive--"
+
+"Step inside," said the witch.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Some couple of months later the ladies of the house-party assembled at
+Sangazure Castle for the Victory jousts were gathered in the great hall,
+exchanging gossip and serf-stories in the firelight while awaiting the
+return of their menkind.
+
+"Hath any heard," lisped one fair young thing, "how fareth the Lord
+Oeil-de-Veau? They tell me that some mysterious ailment hath him in
+thrall."
+
+At the words the Lady Yolande Sangazure (whom we have met before) was aware
+of a crimson flood mounting swiftly to her exquisite temples. Strange to
+add, the same phenomenon might have been observed in a score of damosels
+belonging to the best families in the district. The hall seemed suffused in
+a ruddy glow that was certainly not reflected from the exiguous pile of
+post-Crusading fuel smouldering on the great hearth.
+
+"Tush!" broke in the cracked voice of a withered old dame, "your news is
+old. Not only hath the so-called fever vanished but my lord himself hath
+followed it."
+
+"Gone!" The cry was echoed by twenty voices; twenty embroidery-frames fell
+from forty arrested hands, while nine-and-thirty dismayed eyes fixed
+themselves upon the maliciously-amused countenance of the speaker. Only
+one, belonging to the Lady Beauregarde, who squinted slightly, remained as
+though unmoved by the general commotion.
+
+"Moreover," continued the old dame, "report saith that with him went his
+leman, who, having some art in necromancy, transformed her beauty to the
+semblance of a witch and provided her own dowry by the sale, to certain
+addle-pated wenches, of charms for which her lover himself prepared the
+market."
+
+"But--his fever?" an impetuous voice broke in.
+
+"Cozening, no doubt. Of course the tale may be but idle babble; still, if
+true, one would admit that such credulous fools got no more than they
+deserved."
+
+She ceased, well satisfied. "I fancy," observed the Lady Yolande coldly,
+"that I hear our lords returning." And in the eloquent silence a score of
+fair young minds slowly assimilated the profound truth (as fresh to-day as
+eight hundred years ago) that Satan finds some mischief still for the
+impecunious demobilised.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+TO JESSIE
+
+    (_"one of the Zoo's most popular elephants," now deceased_).
+
+  Jessie of the melting eye,
+    Wreathed trunk and horny tegum-
+  Ent, whom I have joyed to ply
+  With the fugitive mince-pie
+    And the seasonable legume,
+  Youth has left me; fortune too
+    Flounts my efforts to annex it;
+  Still, I occupy the view,
+  Bored but loath to leave, while you
+    Make the inevitable exit.
+
+  Ne'er again for blissful rides
+    Shall our shouting offspring clamber
+  Up your broad and beetling sides;
+  Ne'er again, when eventide's
+    Coming turns the skies to amber
+  And the fluting blackbirds call,
+    Poised above a bale of fodder
+  In your well-appointed stall
+  Will you muse upon it all,
+    Patient introspective plodder.
+
+  Once, an anxious mother's care,
+    Day by day you roamed the jungle,
+  Felt the sunshine, sniffed the air;
+  Life, methinks, was passing fair;
+    But of that no mortal tongue'll
+  Tell. Perhaps you never thought
+    If it bored you or enraptured
+  Till the wily hunter caught
+  You and all your friends and brought
+    Home to England, bound and captured.
+
+  Jessie, fairest of your race,
+    Now you're gone and few will miss you;
+  There will come to take your place
+  Creatures less replete with grace;
+    Elephants of grosser tissue
+  Will intrigue the public sight;
+    That, old girl, 's the common attitude.
+  Still, these few poor lines I write
+  May preserve your memory bright,
+    Since the pen is dipped in gratitude.
+
+  ALGOL.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: MORE ADVENTURES OF A POST-WAR SPORTSMAN.
+
+_P.-W.S._ (_having struggled over many ploughed fields_). "NOW THEN, MY
+LAD, FETCH 'IM OVER 'ERE AND I'LL GIVE YOU A TANNER."
+
+_Bucolic Profiteer._ "NOA, YE DOAN'T! GIVE OI TEN BOB OR OI LETS HE GO
+AGAIN."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+OUR BOOKING-OFFICE.
+
+(_By Mr. Punch's Staff of Learned Clerks._)
+
+We are apt to think of Lord NORTHCLIFFE as the "onlie begetter" of the New
+Journalism. But here comes Mr. KENNEDY JONES, M.P., to remind us, in _Fleet
+Street and Downing Street_ (HUTCHINSON), that he too had a very large share
+in its parentage. And up to a point he is a proud father. Circulations
+reckoned in millions instead of thousands, journalistic salaries raised
+from hundreds to thousands, advertisement-revenues multiplied many-fold--
+these are some of the outward signs of the success of a policy which the
+author summarised when he told Lord MORLEY, "You left journalism as a
+profession; we have made it a branch of commerce." But there is another
+side to the medal. _Frankenstein's_ monster was perfect in everything save
+that it lacked a soul. In all material things the New Journalism is a long
+way ahead of the Old; and yet, after chronicling its many triumphs--
+culminating in the capture of _The Times_--its part-creator is fain to
+admit that "public distrust of news is the most notable feature in
+journalism of recent years," and that the influence of the daily Press on
+the public mind has hardly ever been at a lower ebb. This frankness is
+characteristic of a book which on nearly every page contains something to
+startle or amuse. The author's experiences on his first day in London,
+including an encounter with a sausage-seller (more friendly than CLEON'S
+rival); his negotiations for the purchase of _The Times_, and his offer of
+the editorship to Lord CURZON, who unfortunately refused it; the
+_provenance_ of "The Pekin Massacre," which originated, it appears, not
+with a "stunt" journalist, but with a Chinese statesman wishing to pull the
+Occidental leg--these and many other incidents are admirably described by a
+writer who, though he long ago doffed his journalistic harness, has not
+forgotten how to write up a "good story." Be your opinion of the New
+Journalism what it may I guarantee that you will find its champion an
+agreeable companion.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+There are parts of Mr. W.J. LOCKE'S latest novel, _The House of Baltazar_
+(LANE), which will, I fear, make almost prohibitive demands upon the faith
+(considered as belief in the incredible) of his vast following. To begin
+with, he introduces us to that problematical personage, whose possibility
+used to be so much debated, the Man Who Didn't Know There Was A War On.
+_John Baltazar_ had preserved this unique ignorance, first by bolting from
+a Cambridge professorship through amorous complications, next by living
+many years in the Far East, and finally by settling upon a remote moorland
+farm (locality unspecified) with a taciturn Chinaman and an Airedale for
+his only companions. This and other contributory circumstances, for which I
+lack space, just enabled me to admit the situation as possible. Naturally,
+therefore, when a befogged Zeppelin laid a couple of bombs plonk into the
+homestead, the ex-professor experienced a mental as well as a bodily
+shake-up. I had no complaint either with the transformation that developed
+_John Baltazar_ from the only outsider to apparently the big boss of the
+War; while the scenes between him and the son of whose existence he had
+been unaware (a situation not precisely new to fiction) are presented with
+a sincere and moving simplicity. So far so good, even if hardly equal to
+the author's best. But the catastrophe and the melodramatics about
+War-Office secrets, preposterously put on paper, and still more
+preposterously preserved, simply knocked the wind of reality out of the
+whole affair. A pity, since Mr. LOCKE (though I prefer him in more
+fantastic vein) has clearly spent much care upon a tale that, till its
+final plunge, is at least lively and entertaining.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+The amateur of lace, whether as expert or owner, will be pleasantly stirred
+by learning that another book has been added to the already large
+bibliography of a fascinating subject in _The Romance of the Lace Pillow_
+(H.H. ARMSTRONG), published at Olney from the pen of Mr. THOMAS WRIGHT.
+Olney, of course, has two claims on our regard--COWPER and Lace, and it is
+now evident that Mr. WRIGHT has kept as attentive an eye on the one as on
+the other. His book makes no pretence to be more than a brief and frankly
+popular survey of the art of lace-making chiefly in Northamptonshire and
+Bucks, and to it he has brought a wealth of various information (which the
+average reader must take on trust) and an enthusiasm that can be judged by
+his opening statement that "lace ... is the expression of the most
+rapturous moments of whole dynasties of men of genius." So now you know.
+Even those of us who regard it with a calmer pulse can take pleasure in the
+many excellent photographs of lace-work of different periods and schools
+that adorn Mr. WRIGHT'S volume. As for the letter-press, though I will not
+call the writer's style wholly equal to his zeal, his chapters are full of
+interesting gossip, ranging from the late KATHERINE OF ARAGON (the
+originator, according to one theory, of English lace-making), to some jolly
+stuff on the literature of Bobbins and the old Tells, or working-songs,
+sung by "the spinners and the knitters in the sun, and the free maids that
+weave their threads with bones." I have a fancy that the whole volume has
+been more or less a labour of love (never certainly did I meet an author
+with such a list of helpers to thank), so I am glad to think that its
+reward in one sense is already assured.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+In _The Fairy Man_ (DENT), a most engrossing phantasy, Mr. L. COPE CORNFORD
+takes for raw material a family of Maida Vale, victims of all those petty,
+sordid, but deadly troubles known only to the middle class. Without
+warrant, explanation, or excuse he introduces into their routine a sudden
+touch of magic; the tired City man, the acid foster-mother, the children
+(mercifully devoid of any priggishness), and the pre-eminently human
+housemaid and cook are transplanted for a moment into the age of the
+knights-errant. Thither also are transplanted their special friends and
+enemies, all retaining their modern identities and their current troubles,
+and all getting unpleasantly involved in the troubles of the ancients, to
+boot. Eventually the interlude is found to have provided the solution of
+the difficulties, pecuniary and other, of the home in Maida Vale; and I
+will say no more than that a very telling story ends well and naturally. No
+reader should imagine he has read all this before; the admixture of fairy
+imagination with the intensely practical things of life is something new,
+and there is a definite purpose in it all. The book may be labelled
+intellectual, but the characters always remain very human; thus _George_,
+finding himself back in the times of a thousand years ago, says critically,
+"It looks old, but it feels just the same;" and his father, seeing him
+engaged in an assault on the castle, shouts, "George! put that sword down
+instantly." Mr. CORNFORD makes his points with such discretion and
+understanding that even the most solid materialist must, after reading,
+feel a little less sure of himself.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+I rather think that if I had the opportunity of discussing with ELINOR
+MORDAUNT her _Old Wine in New Bottles_ (HUTCHINSON) and had the courage to
+say what was in my mind: "Don't you think perhaps that your vigorous and
+unexpected characters are out of story-land rather than out of life?" and
+if she riposted, "But is it necessary they should be like life if they are
+life-like?" I should be left with no more effective retort than "Quite," or
+something just as futile. For there's no doubt that these queer villains,
+Chinese dealers, bold sailormen, travellers, rapt lovers, do get over the
+footlights in an effective way. They do the things that are only done in
+magazines, but they do them with a gusto which engages the attention.
+Perhaps indeed that's what the author meant by her ingenious title; though
+I suppose her device of setting before each story a longer or shorter, more
+or less relevant, passage from the Old Testament gives a clearer clue to
+the precise way in which she interprets "nothing new under the sun." I
+cheerfully prescribe of this old wine one or two bottles at bedtime. Better
+not, I think, the whole case at a sitting.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Tramp._ "YES, MUM, I'M AN OLD SOLDIER; FOUGHT IN THE--"
+
+_Mrs. Tommy Atkins._ "D'YOU STILL REMEMBER THE ARMY TRAINING?"
+
+_Tramp._ "THAT I DO, MUM. HAVEN'T FORGOTTEN A SINGLE WORD O' COMMAND."
+
+_Mrs. T.A._ "THEN, ABOUT--TURN! QUICK--MARCH!"]
+
+
+
+
+
+
+End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol.
+158, March 10th, 1920, by Various
+
+*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH, OR THE LONDON ***
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