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diff --git a/16213.txt b/16213.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..669ef10 --- /dev/null +++ b/16213.txt @@ -0,0 +1,2031 @@ +The Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Volume 158, +April 21, 1920, by Various + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: Punch, or the London Charivari, Volume 158, April 21, 1920 + +Author: Various + +Release Date: July 5, 2005 [EBook #16213] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ASCII + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH, OR THE LONDON *** + + + + +Produced by Jonathan Ingram, Keith Edkins and the Online +Distributed Proofreading Team at https://www.pgdp.net + + + + + +PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. + +VOL. 158. + + + +April 21st, 1920. + + + + +CHARIVARIA. + +It appears that Irish criminals may be divided into three classes (_a_) The +ones you can't catch; (_b_) The ones you have caught but can't convict; +(_c_) The ones you have convicted but can't keep in prison. + +* * * + +To such an extent has America gone dry that nearly all letters despatched +from Scotsmen living over there are posted with the stamps pinned to the +envelopes. + +* * * + +"We are certainly going to gain by the sale of the Slough works," said Mr. +BONAR LAW last week. Whether to an extent that will justify the Government +for having kept _The Daily Mail_ waiting like that is another question. + +* * * + +Mr. JAMES FOWLER of Deptford has offered to walk from Westminster Bridge to +Brighton with a jar on his head. We assume that he has mislaid his hat. + +* * * + +In Hertfordshire the other day a boy was knocked down by a funeral-car. It +may have been an accident, but it has all the appearance of greed. + +* * * + +A constable giving evidence at Willesden police-court said a prisoner +called him a "sergeant-major." We feel sure the fellow could not have meant +it. + +* * * + +Mrs. ALICE L. YOCUM, of Boone, U.S.A., has just obtained her thirteenth +divorce. It is said that she has the finest collection of husbands in +America. + +* * * + +The man who last week said he had not read "Another Powerful Article" by +Mr. HORATIO BOTTOMLEY in the Sunday Press is thought to be an impostor. + +* * * + +Parents in New York who are afraid of losing their children may register +them at the Bureau of Missing People. As we have no such institution in +this country parents must adopt the old method of writing their names and +addresses on the top right-hand corner of their offspring. + +* * * + +Any wind blowing at more than seventy miles an hour, says an informing +paper, may be called a hurricane. At the same time we doubt if this would +have much effect on it. + +* * * + +Our sympathy is with the young Flight Lieutenant of the R.A.F. who has been +unable to keep up with the uniforms designed by the Air Ministry. He is now +said to be three uniforms behind. + +* * * + +It is claimed that whilst standing on a certain rock near Aberdeen one can +obtain a thousand echoes from a single shout. We understand that the local +habit of going there in order to pull a cork out of a bottle has now been +prohibited owing to the annoyance caused to American visitors. + +* * * + +A large grocery warehouse in Liverpool was practically destroyed by fire +last Thursday week. We understand that the orderly manner in which the +cheeses fell in and marched out of the danger-zone was alone responsible +for preventing a panic. + +* * * + +"Keep smiling and you will never need a doctor," advises a writer in an +illustrated daily. A friend of ours who put it to the test now writes to us +from a well-known county asylum advising us to choose the doctor. + +* * * + +According to a morning paper, Micky, the oldest ape in the Zoo, now wears a +mournful expression and seems to be tired of life. It is thought that he +may have recently overhead the remark made by a thoughtless visitor that he +was growing more like a Bolshevik every day. + +* * * + +A certain lamp-post in Maida Vale has been knocked down twice by the same +bus. If the bus knocks it down once more the lamp becomes its own property. + +* * * + +The amazing report that one of the first six to finish in the London to +Brighton walk was once a telegraph-boy is now denied. + +* * * + +There is a man living in the Edgware Road, it is stated, who has never been +on an omnibus. He has often seen them whizzing by, he declares, but has +always resisted the temptation to take the fatal plunge. + +* * * + +There will be no Naval manoeuvres this year, it is announced. How under +these conditions Mr. POLLEN can continue to teach the Navy its business is +a very grave question. + +* * * + +At a St. Dunstan's auction at Thornton Heath autographs of Mr. GEORGE ROBEY +and the PREMIER were sold at ten shillings each. Mr. ROBEY, it appears, +generously insisted on treating the matter as a joke. + +* * * + +A Manchester scientist claims to have discovered a means of making +vegetable alcohol undrinkable without impairing its usefulness. It looks as +if the secret of Government ale must have leaked out at last. + +* * * + +We are in a position to deny a report which was being spread in connection +with a certain Model Village scheme, to the effect that the model +bricklayer had refused to perform unless he was provided with a model +public-house, while the model public-house could not be provided until the +model bricklayer started work. + +* * * + +Bonnet strings, says a fashion paper, will be worn by _debutantes_ this +summer. Apron strings, we gather, will continue to be unfashionable with +our flappers. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _British Museum Official._ "NO, YOU CAN'T GET INTO THE MUMMY +GALLERY. THE GOVERNMENT OFFICIALS ARE STILL THERE." + +_Rustic._ "WHAT! AIN'T THEY SORTED 'EM OUT YET?"] + + * * * * * + +ON THE ITALIAN RIVIERA. + +ENGLAND TO HER FRANCE. + + This is a joyous trysting-place, my love, + With no inconstant climate to distract us; + Pure azure is the sky that laughs above + These admirable bowers of prickly cactus, + Where we may nestle, conjugating _amo_ + (Dear old San Remo!). + + We've had our difference, as lovers do; + A slight misunderstanding came between us; + But that is past; the sky (I said) is blue + And this the very sea that nurtured Venus; + Come, like her doves amid the groves of myrtle-- + Come, let us turtle. + + "How can they ever kiss again?" 'twas said; + But Love made light of that absurd conundrum; + And lo! your breast is pillow to my head, + And we've a pair of hearts that beat as one drum; + Our bonds, if anything, are even more + Tight than before. + + Your independence caused a passing pain, + But now, I thank you, I am feeling better; + You'll never go upon your own again + Nor I will write another nasty letter; + Embrace me, then, for sign of love's renewal, + _Mon bijou_ (jewel). + + + O.S. + + * * * * * + +THE IDENTIFICATION OF HOBBS. + +Old Hobbs, the gardener, has been in our family longer than I have. +Although we live within twenty miles of London only once has he made the +journey to the great city, for that one memorable day so nearly ended in +disaster that he always speaks of it with a shudder. Indeed, but for the +arrival of Mrs. Hobbs, belated, flustered and inquiring everywhere for her +man, he must assuredly have spent the night in a police-station. + +This is how it all happened. Mrs. Hobbs was returning from a visit to +relations in Sussex, and her husband was to meet her in London, convoy her +across the city and bring her home. In order to avail himself of a cheap +fare Hobbs left by the 7.30 train, though his wife would not arrive till +four o'clock in the afternoon. + +He managed to get across London somehow. After locating the station at +which Mrs. Hobbs was to arrive his intention was to spend the day "looking +round London a bit;" but the crowds and the traffic were too much for the +old countryman, so he sought safety by staying where he was. + +Time hung heavily after a while. He lingered round the bookstall looking at +the books and papers till a pert girl behind the counter asked him if he +wouldn't like a chair; but when Hobbs, who was never rude and consequently +never suspected rudeness in other people, raised his hat and said, "No, +thank'ee, Miss, I be all right standing," even the pert girl was disarmed. + +Next he amused himself counting the milk-churns on the platform. Then he +killed time by interesting himself in the stacks of unattended luggage and +examining the labels; and at three o'clock a railway policeman laid a hand +on his shoulder and asked him what his game was. + +Hobbs, a little startled but clear in conscience, told his tale. + +"That don't do for me," announced the constable. "I been keeping +observation on you since nine, and your wife don't arrive till four, so you +say. I seen you hanging round the luggage and fingering parcels, and you'll +just come with me to the police-office as a suspected person loitering. An +old luggage-thief, I should say, to put it quite plain." + +"Me a thief!" gasped Hobbs, roused to realities; "why, I've worked ever +since I was twelve, and me sixty-three now; I was never a thief, Sir. Look +at me hands." + +The constable inspected them critically. "They're a bit horny certainly; +but then that may be only your dam artfulness. Come on and talk to the +Sergeant." + +The Railway Police-Sergeant briskly inquired his name, address, occupation +and all the rest of it. Hobbs gave a good account of himself and mentioned +that he had worked in our family for forty-two years. + +"Any visiting-cards, correspondence or other papers to identify you?" asked +the Sergeant mechanically. He had said it so often to the people who cry +"Season! Season!" when there is no Season. + +Hobbs confessed to having none of these things; and no, he knew no one in +London. + +"Then you'll stay here till four," pronounced the Sergeant, "and we'll see +if this good lady of yours comes along." + +But, alas! no Mrs. Hobbs appeared. "Must have missed the train," suggested +Hobbs despairingly. "P'r'aps the trap broke down or something." + +There was only one more train, it seemed, and that was not due until nine. + +"Oh, I don't think my missus 'ud like to be so late as that," said the +suspect. "She'd wait till the morning. I don't reckon she'll come +to-night." + +"No more don't I." The constable was beginning to enjoy himself. "If I was +you I should drop the bluff and own I was fair caught. If you was to ask +me, I should say you didn't look like a married man at all. We'll see what +the Sergeant says now." + +The Sergeant was accordingly consulted. He too was rather sceptical. + +"If there's any truth in what you say you'd better wire to this gentleman +at Monk's Langford that you say you work for, and try if we can identify +you somehow," he advised. And to the constable, "Take him to the Telegraph +Office and let him send his wire. Then bring him back here. Mind he don't +give you the slip." + +So Hobbs, sighing deeply and perspiring freely, wrote his message: "Sir, +they have got me in the police-station here and say I am a suspected +person, which you know I never was, having worked for you, Sir, and your +father for forty-two years. But the Sargeant here says he wants proofs, and +you, Sir, must vouch for me as being respectable, which you know I am, and +none of us was ever thieves. So will you please do so, Sir, and oblige, as +this leaves me at present, George Hobbs." + +The clerk glanced at it. "It's a long message," he said; "it'll cost four +or five shillings." + +Hobbs hadn't got that--no, really he hadn't. + +The constable standing on guard, rather bored, interposed, "We ain't asking +you to write a book about it." + +"No, Sir, I couldn't do that," replied Hobbs anxiously. "What would you +say, Sir, if you was me?" + +"Don't ask me," answered the policeman. "It's your wire, not mine. Send +something you can pay for. We only wants to find out if you're the person +you say you are. Daresay you'd like me to write it for you, and you 'op it +while I done it. I seen your kind before. Try again, mate." + +So Hobbs tried again. And that is how it came about that at tea-time a +telegraph-boy brought me the bewildering message: "Mr. Lockwood, The Nook, +Monk's Langford. Sir, am I Hobbs? Hobbs." + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: LOVERS' QUARRELS. + +JOHN BULL (_to France_). "WONDERFUL HOW A LITTLE STORM IN A TEA-POT BRINGS +OUT THE FLAVOUR!"] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: OUTSIDE THE RADIUS. + +_Strong Man._ "NOW THEN, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, KIND APPRECIATION, IF YOU +PLEASE. YOU SHORLY DON'T EXPECT A GENUINE WEST-END PERFORMER TO 'ALF KILL +'ISSELF IN THE SUBUBS FOR FOURPENCE?"] + + * * * * * + +BRIDGE NOTES. + +(_With acknowledgments to several contemporaries._) + +It would, I feel, be but fair to the great Bridge-playing public to preface +these few notes with a word of warning against the writers whom I find to +my regret affecting to speak with authority on this subject in other +periodicals. Until, as in the kindred profession of Medicine, it is +impossible to practise without a Bridge degree, nothing can be done to +prevent these quacks from laying down the law. All I can do for the present +is to point out that there is only one writer who can speak not merely with +authority, but with infallibility, upon all matters pertaining to our +national game. + +In this the eighth instalment of my series on Auction etiquette, I should +like to urge once more upon the young Bridge-player the importance of +playing quickly. And this because yet another case has come under my notice +in which much trouble might have been avoided by doing so. In this case A. +took seven minutes to decide whether to play the King or the Knave, which, +especially as the Queen had already been played, was, I consider, far too +long. Y., the declarer, sitting on A.'s left, certainly found it so, for +towards the end of the seventh minute he dropped off to sleep and his cards +fell forward face upward on the table. Dummy having gone away in search of +liquid refreshment, A. and his partner B. then played out the hand as they +liked and then roused Y. to inform him that, instead of making game, he had +lost three hundred above. + +Now, A. and B. were strictly within the rules of Auction Bridge in acting +as they did. There is no legal time limit for players, as there is at +cricket. But it would have been more tactful had they roused Y. at once, +that he might see what they were doing with his cards. + +Nor should tact be confined to such comparatively rare incidents as this. +For instance, it is a mistake to confuse Auction Bridge with Rugby +football. I have known players who declared "Two No-trumps" in very much +the same manner as that in which a Rugby football-player throws the +opposing three-quarter over the side-line. Excessive aggression is a +mistake. A young Civil Servant of my acquaintance even went so far as to +abstain from claiming an obvious revoke when the delinquent was the chief +of his department. Unfortunately, however, this young man, so wise in other +ways, had the annoying habit of turning his chair to bring him luck. On one +evening, when the run of the cards was against him, he turned his chair +between every hand and so annoyed his chief that no promotion has ever come +his way, and he now spends his days bitterly regretting that he did not +claim that revoke. + +Passing to another point, I am asked by a correspondent if it is +permissible occasionally to play from left to right, instead of from right +to left, just to relieve the monotony. He asks, not unreasonably, why, if +this is not so, writers on Bridge go to the trouble of putting those little +curved arrows to show which way round the cards are to be played. + +For myself, I see no reason why the right-to-left convention should not +occasionally be reversed, always provided that the whole table agrees +beforehand to play in the same direction. + +There are many other points to which I should like to refer, and many +players to whom I should like to give a word of warning. There is the +player who suddenly breaks off to join in the conversation of other people +who happen to be in the room. There is the player who whistles to himself +while he is playing: this is a grave fault, nor does the class of music +whistled affect the question; the _Preislied_ performed through the teeth +is quite as exasperating as _K-K-Katie_. Then there is the player who +breathes so hard with the exertion of the game that he blows the cards +about the table. Finally there is the player who slaps the face of his or +her partner. This is a mistake, however great the provocation. I have not +space now to deal exhaustively with these breaches of Auction etiquette. +Besides, I have to keep something in hand for future articles. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Foreman (to new hand)._ "WHAT ARE YOU DOIN' THERE?" + +_New Hand._ "OILIN' THE WHEELBARROW." + +_Foreman._ "WELL, JUST LET IT ALONE. WHAT DO YOU KNOW ABOUT MACHINERY?"] + + * * * * * + +THE MADDING CROWD. + +The scene is an Irish Point-to-Point meeting. + +The course lies along a shallow valley, bounded on the north by a wall of +cloudy blue mountains. + +At each jump stands a group of spectators; the difficulty or danger of an +obstacle may be measured by the number of spectators who stand about it, +recounting tales of past accidents and hoping cheerfully for the future. +Motor cars, side-cars, waggonettes, pony-traps and ass-carts are drawn up +anyhow round a clump of whitewashed farm buildings in the background. + +Blanketed hunters are having their legs rubbed or being led up and down by +grooms. Comes a broken-winded tootle on a coach-horn and the black-and- +scarlet drag of the local garrison trundles into view. The unsophisticated +gun-horses in the lead shy violently at the flapping canvas of an +orange-stall and swerve to the left into a roulette-booth presided over by +a vociferous ancient in a tattered overcoat and blue spectacles. The +gamblers scatter like flushed partridges and the ancient bites the turf +beneath his upturned board amid a shower of silver coins. The leaders, +scared by the animated table, and the blood-curdling invocations and +wildly-waving arms and legs of the fallen croupier, shy violently in the +opposite direction and disappear into the refreshment-tent, whence issue +the crash of crockery and the shrieks of the attendant Hebes. (Lieut.- +Commander KENWORTHY should have some questions to pop about this at +Westminster when next the Irish Question comes up.) + +The bookmakers are perched a-top of a grassy knoll which overlooks the +whole course, and around them surges the crowd. + + * * * * * + +_Scarecrow (in somebody's cast-off dinner-jacket and somebody else's +abandoned hunting breeches.)_ Kyard of the races! Kyard of the races! + +_Farmer._ Here y' are. How much? + +_Scarecrow._ Wan shillin'-an'-sixpence, Sorr. + +_Farmer._ There's "Price wan shillin'" printed on ut, ye blagyard. + +_Scarecrow._ The sixpence is for the Government's little Intertainmints +Tax, Sorr. + +_Farmer._ Oh, go to the divil! + +_Scarecrow._ Shure an' I will if yer honour'll give me a letther of +inthroduction. We'll call ut a shillin', thin, and I'll sthand the loss +mesilf. + +[_Farmer parts with the price and the Scarecrow dodges swiftly into the +crowd. The Farmer peruses the card and frowns in a puzzled way; then the +date catches his eye and he curses and tears the list to pieces._ + +_Farmer._ Drat take the little scut; he's sold me last year's kyard! + +_Cattle-Dealer (shouting)._ Hi, sthop him there! + +_Farmer._ Whist, let him go. Let him trap some others first the way I'll +not be the only mug on the market this day. + +_Trickster (setting up his table and jerking his cards about)._ I'm afther +losin' a pony to thim robbers beyant, but, as Pierpont Rockafeller said to +Jawn D. Morgan, "business is business, an' if ye don't speculate ye won't +accumulate." Spot the dame and my money's yours; spot the blank and yours +is mine. "The quickness of the hand deceives the eye, or vicy-versy," as +Lord Carnegie remarked to Andrew Rothschild. Walk up, walk up, my sporty +gintlemen and thry yer luck wid the owld firm. + +_Farmer._ There go the harses down to the post. Who's that leadin' on the +black? + +_Dealer._ Young Misther Darley, no less. 'Tis a great fella for all kinds +of divarsion he is, the same. I was beyant to Darleystown this week past +and found him fightin' a main o'cocks before the fire in his grandmother's +drawin'-room. Herself riz up off her bed and gave the two of us the father +and mother of a dhrubbin' wid her crutch, an' she desthroyed wid the gout +an' all. + +_Farmer._ 'Tis herself has the great heart. Hey! that's never Clancy goin' +down on the owld foxey mare? Faith, it's sorra a ha'porth cud she course or +lep these fifteen years. + +_Dealer._ Lep, is ut? Shure she'll spring out like a birrd an' fear no foe +by dint of the two bottles of potheen she has taken an' the couple o' lads +Clancy has stationed at ivvery jump to let a roar at her an' hearthen her +wid the sthroke of an ash-plant as she comes at ut. + +_First Country Boy._ Arrah, they're off, they're away! + +_Second Country Boy._ Thin let us down to the big double, avic, and be the +grace of God we'll see a corpse. + +_Girl in Brown (hopping from one foot to the other)._ Can you see Freddy, +Uncle George? Is he in front? I'm sure he is. He hasn't fallen, has he? He +won't fall, will he? I'm sure he will. I do hope he'll win; I _know_ he +won't. The jumps look frightful, and I'm certain he'll break his darling +neck. Oh, where _is_ he, Uncle George? + +_Uncle George._ Here, take my field-glasses. + +_Girl in Brown._ I can't see, I can't see. + +_Uncle George (drily)._ Try looking through them the other way round. + +_Beshawled Crone (towing an aged beggar-man who wears a framed placard +reminding the public that "charity covers a multitude of sins," and +announcing that the bearer is not only "teetotally" deaf and dumb, but also +blind, barmy and partially paralysed)._ May God's blessin' and the +blessin's of all the howly Saints an' Martyrs be on ye, and would ye spare +a little copper for a poor owld sthricken crature an' I'll pray for ye this +night an' ivvery night of me life? + +_Girl in Brown._ Give her a shilling, Uncle George, and tell her to pray +for Freddy _now_. + +[Uncle George _does the needful_. + +_Beggar-man (miraculously recovering his speech)._ Whist! Was that a +shillin' he gave ye? That makes ten ye have now, thin. Bun like a hare an' +put ut on Acrobat at the best ye can get. + +_Farmer._ Clancy leads be a length. + +_Dealer._ Thin 'tis a hardy rider will dare pass the owld foxey mare now, +for she'd reach out an' chew the leg off him, she's that jealous. + +_Farmer._ Woof! Pat Maguire is into the wather head-first an' dhrinkin' a +bellyful, I'll warrant--which same will be a new sensation for him. + +_Dealer._ It will indeed. 'Tis a wonder he wouldn't send a lad round the +course before him givin' the ditches a dash from a pocket-flask the way +he'd be in his iliment should he take a toss--the thirsty poor fella! + +_Farmer._ The foxey mare is down on her nose an' Clancy throwing somersets +all down the course. Acrobat has ut. + +_Dealer._ He has not. He is all bet up. He's rollin' like a Wexford +pig-boat. Beau Brocade has the legs of him. + +_Girl in Brown (jumping up and down)._ Beau Brocade! Beau Brocade! Oh, +Freddy darling! + +_Beggar-man (miraculously recovering his sight)._ Acrobat! Put the whip to +him, ye lazy varmint! Acrobat! Och, wirra, wirra! + +_Dealer._ Beau Brocade has him cot. He is on his quarther. He is on his +shoulder. They are neck and neck. He has him bet. Huroosh! + +_Farmer._ What are you hurooshin' for--you with five poun' on Acrobat? + +_Dealer (crestfallen)._ Och, dang it, I was forgettin'. + +_Girl in Brown (dancing and clapping her hands)._ Hurray! Hurray! Hurray! + +_Beggar-man._ ***!!! ***!!! + +[_Local brass band, throned in a dilapidated waggonette, explodes into the +opening strains of "Garryowen."_ + +PATLANDER. + + * * * * * + + "The question which arises in the mind of + the writer is this:--'Is Salicylic Aldehyde + "C6H4<COH orthohydroxybenzaldehyde" + OH + the cause of the trouble?'"--_The Fruit-Grower._ + +It must be a dreadful thing to have a mind like that. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: MANNERS AND MODES. + +THEN AND NOW. + +[_From an Early-Victorian pocket "Etiquette for Gentlemen."_--"During the +morning hours a gentleman visitor who neither shoots, reads, writes letters +nor does anything but idle about the house and chat with the ladies is an +intolerable nuisance. Sooner than become the latter he had better retire to +the billiard-room and practise cannons by himself."]] + + * * * * * + +TELEPHONE TACTICS. + +It is now some months since the great autumn offensive was conducted with +the idea of biting off an awkward salient in my circumstances--in brief, of +obtaining the necessary telephone to enable me to commence an ordered +existence. For many, many days my voice had been unheard crying in the +wilderness that I was a poor demobilised soldier, that I had once had a +telephone and had given it up at my country's call, and please couldn't +they give me back even my old, old telephone again? I have already told how +in response to these very human appeals I at length got only a request for +the balance due for calls for 1914. My old friend Time, however, worked his +proverbial wonders and one day a telephone came--phit! like that. + +Directly it had come I suspected a trap somewhere. Nor were my friends +behindhand in telling me of the horrors of gigantic and inexorable bills +from which there was no appeal. They said I must have a coin-box. Excellent +idea! I would have a coin-box. + +So the great Spring offensive began. In early February I opened a strong +barrage upon the main headquarters (how lovingly these ancient military +metaphors come back to one!) and kept up a little light harassing fire upon +the District Agent. The enemy replied with rigid uniformity upon printed +forms--a mean advantage, for I have to type mine myself. But matters +progressed. At the end of the first fortnight I had been advised that the +work of installing my coin-box had been entrusted to no fewer than three +groups of engineers, "to whom you should refer in all cases." + +Well, I "referred" for some little time, and then, after a decent interval, +made their acquaintance separately. If anything was calculated to bring +back memories of the lighter side of the War it was the gracious and suave +manner in which I despatched and redespatched to other departments. I might +have been the buffest of buff slips the way I was "passed to you, please." + +Once again I cancelled all my work in the pursuit of where the rainbow +ends. Nor was this renunciation any great hardship, for I had been writing +a book about the Realities of War, and had just found that all the horrors +that ever might have happened had already been set down by one who saw most +of the game, being an onlooker. "But this," I said, as I set out every +morning--"this is the life, pure adventure in every moment of it." + +My efforts were rewarded. In late February three people came and left three +coin-boxes--in pieces. Then I must admit that I did a foolish thing. I +wrote and said that I only wanted one box. I was afraid that if I kept them +all it would be, a case of "Thr-r-ree pennies, please," instead of one. +(Mine is a penny district). + +It annoyed them all. They came and took all the boxes away again--jealousy, +I suppose. So at the end of February I was back in my old trenches again +and visitors were still saying, "Oh, _do_ you mind if I ring up So-and-so?" +and I was listening to myself answering, "Oh, _do_. No, of _course_ don't +bother about the twopence" (visitors always want calls just outside the +radius; I do myself). + +The crisis came in March. It was then that I joined the criminal classes. +For many days I had haunted the telephone dump, taking a melancholy +pleasure in watching real engineers come out with real coin-boxes for other +people. No Peri at the golden gate ever looked more wistful. I know now +that it is opportunity that makes the criminal, and one day the opportunity +came. It came in the form of a young and evidently new hand, who emerged +from the dump and pitched upon me--me of all people--to ask, "Can you tell +me where this place is?" As he spoke he began to get out a slip with the +address, and in that moment my fate was sealed. One glance showed me that +he was the bearer of a perfectly good coin-box, and in a second I had +seized the opportunity. + +What he said I have not the slightest idea and it wouldn't have mattered +what the address had been; before he started I had assured him that by a +curious coincidence I was going to that very place, and that by a still +more curious coincidence I was the very man who wanted that coin-box. +Curious, wasn't it, how such coincidences happened in real life as well as +in books? + +I took him to my home in a taxi. On the way I succeeded in diverting his +mind from any possible awkward questions by relating details of my sad +story until I could see the poor fellow was on the verge of tears. For +those interested in criminology I may say that all the best criminal +devices are not necessarily planned beforehand to the end; they are begun +any-old-how and the genius consists in carrying the thing through +afterwards, much the same as running a great war. I recked not what might +occur after I had nefariously induced the poor innocent to install the +machine; perhaps I had some vague idea that the Englishman's house is his +castle, though this seems ridiculous when considered calmly. However, what +matter these psychological dissections? He came with me unsuspecting, and I +piloted him out of the taxi without his ever noticing the name of the +street even. How could I have foreseen? Well, anyhow I didn't, or I +shouldn't have tipped him on the stairs. + +With many nods and winks I gave my wife the hint how I had managed it, and +we went about the house whispering and hobnobbing in odd corners like a +couple of conspirators while he began the work of installation. + +Then the first dreadful moment came. Suddenly he addressed me by my name, +with a certain suspicious interrogation in his tone. + +"Who?" I asked blandly, going as red as a turkey-cock, of course; I never +can help it. + +He looked surprised and I plunged heavily, giving the first name I could +think of, which happened to be the one he had mentioned in the taxi--his +own, in fact. He looked still more suspicious and I knew it had been a +mistake, especially as close to where he had been working were two +envelopes addressed to me. I am certain that if my wife had not called me +at that moment I should have gone permanently purple all over. + +When I got back (I tried to get my wife to go, but she said she would +rather I went, and that I wasn't really as red as I felt)--when I got back +I could see that it had dawned upon him that I had wheedled him there +without his knowing exactly where he was, and that he was determined not to +be had. He asked me to sign for the installation. + +Alas, I could not do that. It was only then that I realised that I am +constitutionally honest; besides they might find me out. + +We both tried to turn his thoughts to pleasanter topics. Perhaps asking him +to have a glass of port was a mistake there are times when even bribery is +bad policy. Briefly, after a mumbled remark that "there was something +fishy," he refused to leave the box. Dry-eyed we watched him take it all +down and depart in a dudgeon. We were left with a vision of shameless +visitors with their twopenny calls and interminable bills running up even +while we were away on our holidays. + +"Let us," I said hoarsely--"let us go and look at our child; she is all we +have left now." + +Moodily we turned to go upstairs. In the hall we stopped dead. Upon the +floor was the wretched paper which my Victorian conscience and my +twentieth-century caution had prevented me from signing. + +"He must," said my wife with her usual perspicacity, "have dropped it on +his way out. Let's see who the box was really meant for." + +Picking it up I read aloud in cold firm tones _my own name and address_. +The box had been meant for us after all. + + * * * * * + +We got it in the end. It came one morning, like the flowers in Spring, +quite suddenly, and we spent a whole day telephoning to our friends to tell +them we had a coin-box at last. I also wrote a letter full of gratitude to +the telephone people and got the reply that, "owing to the shortage of +plant, etc.," they regretted that for the time being they could not grant +my request for a telephone. + +We did not tell them that we had had one for three months; Heaven knows +what would have happened. + +And we are left in peace--now that our visitors have heard that we have a +coin-box. + +L. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: THE PIONEERS. + +SUPPOSED ORIGIN OF UNDERGROUND TACTICS.] + + * * * * * + +TWO "STEIN"-WAY GRANDS. + +BY A PHILISTINE. + + EINSTEIN and EPSTEIN were wonderful men, + Bringing new miracles into our ken. + EINSTEIN upset the Newtonian rule; + EPSTEIN demolished the Pheidian School. + EINSTEIN gave fits to the Royal Society; + EPSTEIN delighted in loud notoriety. + EINSTEIN made parallels meet in infinity; + EPSTEIN remodelled the form of Divinity. + Nature exhausted, I hopefully sing, + Can't have more Steins of this sort in her sling. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Mrs. Faulkner_ (_to District Visitor_). "NICELY, THANK YOU, +MISS, EXCEPT FOR A POISONED 'AND. FOR THE REST OF 'EM, FATHER'S IN +HOSPITAL, LITTLE FLORRIE'S SCALDED HERSELF AND BABY'S GOT THE +WHOOPING-COUGH. IT BE A BLESSING THAT TROUBLES DON'T COME SINGLY OR +ELSE THERE'D BE NO END TO IT."] + + * * * * * + + "Disputing Sergt. Alvan C. York's claim as the world war's greatest + hero, Sergt. Mike Donaldson of New York has challenged the Tennessean + to a debate on who is the greatest war hero."--_New Haven + Journal-Courier (U.S.A.)_ + +Without waiting for the result of this unique contest Mr. Punch has no +hesitation in saying that between them these warriors are responsible for +the mightiest "blow" of the War. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _The Colonel_ (_at the end of his vocabulary_). "_WHAT_ DID +LORD FISHER SAY IN 1919?"] + + * * * * * + +FROM THE DANCE WORLD. + +(_By our Ballet Expert._) + +_The Daily Graphic_ announces that Mr. ARNOLD BENNETT has "fallen a willing +victim to the latest fashionable dances," and is having lessons in them "in +the privacy of his Hanover Square home." A thousand entrancing +possibilities are opened up by this bald announcement. We are content to +supplement it by a few authentic details. + +Mr. BENNETT, who does nothing by halves, has mapped out a programme which +will occupy his energies for at least two years. First comes the period of +pupilship, which will last for six months. Then a year on the stage; then +six months devoted to the composition of three novels and three plays, each +with a Terpsichorean motive. Already, while engaged on his daily exercises, +Mr. BENNETT has found time to revise the titles of some of his earlier +works in keeping with his present aims, and two of these have now been +appropriately rechristened _Anna Pavlova of the Five Towns_ and _Helen of +the High Kick_. + +In the actual technique of his adopted art Mr. BENNETT has already shown +extraordinary progress. The other day, while a wedding party was just about +to leave St. George's, Hanover Square, Mr. BENNETT, who happened to be +passing by, took a flying caracole clean over the Rolls-Royce which +contained the happy pair. Those who witnessed the feat say that it eclipsed +NIJINSKY in his most elastic mood. But Mr. BENNETT is not satisfied, and +declined an invitation to appear at the Devonshire House Ball last week on +the ground that his achievement does not yet square with his ambition. +Moreover he has decided not to dance in public under his real name, but is +not yet quite certain whether to choose the artistic pseudonym of Ben +Netsky or Cinquecitta--probably the latter. + +Above all he is firmly resolved to preserve in his dancing the sympathetic +and humanistic tone of his presentation of life in his books. It will be a +message of hope. He is determined by his gestural artistry and resilient +thistle-downiness to "sanction and fortify the natural human passion for +believing that life can somehow, behind all the miseries and the mysteries, +mean something profoundly worth while." To render justice to his mental and +physical agility is beyond our powers. + +We have been driven to culling this memorable sentence from the latest and +most preternaturally precious of his American admirers. + +It is only fair to say that as a dancing fictionist Mr. BENNETT will not be +allowed to have it entirely his own way. Rumours are already afloat of the +appearance on the boards of Messrs. CHESTERTON and BELLOC, under the +impressive aliases of Campoborgo and Bellocchio, "the Terrible +Tarantulators." This may be only a wild surmise. There is however strong _a +priori_ evidence in support of the statements that Mr. MASEFIELD is taking +lessons in the Fox Trot at Boar's Hill, and that Lord Northsquith is +bringing back with him from Morocco a powerful troupe of Dancing Dervishes, +with the intention of installing them ultimately in Downing Street. + + * * * * * + +OUR LITERARY LEGISLATORS. + + "AN IMPERIAL POLICY. + + (By Mr. ALFRED BIGLAND, M.P.) + + May I commence my argument by a well-known quotation from Shakespeare, + 'He knows not England who only England knows'?"--_Liverpool Paper_. + + * * * * * + + "SITUATIONS OPEN. + + (COLONIAL, INDIAN AND FOREIGN.) + + IRELAND.--Invoice Clerk required by leading firm of Wholesale Druggists + in Ireland."--_Trade Paper._ + +Dominion Home Rule casts its shadow before. + + * * * * * + + "The decree of the Archbishop of Canterbury for the creation of a + separate Providence of Wales was read."--_Scotch Paper._ + +What's wrong with Mr. LLOYD GEORGE? + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: RESTORING THE BALANCE. + +VOICE FROM AUDIENCE: "IT'S A TRICK!" + +PERFORMER: "OF COURSE IT'S A TRICK! THE POINT IS THAT IT HASN'T BEEN DONE +FOR YEARS AND YEARS--AND I'LL TROUBLE YOU TO APPLAUD IT."] + + * * * * * + +ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT. + +_Monday, April 12th._--Neither Ministers nor ordinary Members showed any +marked eagerness to resume their Parliamentary labours. Little green oases +were to be seen in every part of the House, and on the Treasury Bench even +Under-Secretaries (who often have to maintain a precarious perch on one +another's knees) had room to spread themselves. + +The Underground Railway may, like Nature, be careless of the individual, +but it is extremely careful of the typewriter, and insists on making a +special charge for this instrument, officially regarded as a bicycle. But +as Sir ERIC GEDDES announced that this extortion, "though legal," was in +his opinion "neither just nor expedient," we may hope that it will shortly +be abandoned. The Ministry of Transport at last seems likely to justify its +existence. + +[Illustration: "HOT STUFF." + +MR. MILLS OF DARTFORD.] + +Lieut.-Commander KENWORTHY was annoyed to find that there has been no +change during the recess in the regulations relating to passports, and that +they are still not issued to Soviet Russia. The tone of the Minister's +reply rather suggested that the Government might be disposed to make an +exception in favour of the hon. and gallant Member. + +_Tuesday, April 13th._--After the official announcement that the Slough +depot had been sold, and the chorus of satisfaction in the Press that the +Government had disposed of its white elephant at a profit, Mr. HOGGE was +disappointed to learn that, though the heads of agreement were being +discussed, no contract had yet been signed. He was indeed rather surprised +that the Government should think of parting at all with what the LEADER OF +THE HOUSE had assured them was going to be "a dripping roast for the +taxpayer." Mr. LAW smilingly disclaimed the coinage of this appetising +phrase. + +Mr. MILLS, the new Member for Dartford, is credited with being "very hot +stuff" (a cadet, I am told, of the _Moulin Rouge_ family), but he looked +much too trim and spruce for a real revolutionary as he walked up, amid the +plaudits of his Labour colleagues, to take the oath and his seat. In fact +Mr. GREENWOOD, the new Coalition-Unionist Member for Stockport, who +followed him, has much more the air of an _homme du peuple_. As for Mr. +FILDES, his Coalition-Liberal colleague, I don't wonder that Stockport +favoured a candidate whose genial countenance so strongly resembles that of +Mr. Punch. + +[Illustration: MR. PUNCH GREETS HIS DOUBLE. + +MR. FILDES OF STOCKPORT.] + +The debate on the Civil Service Estimates furnished Mr. HOPKINS with an +opportunity of delivering an appeal, doubtless cogent but mainly inaudible, +for the restoration of the exchange value of the pound sterling. Mr. A.M. +SAMUEL, on the other hand, was more audible than orthodox. At least it +rather shocked me to be told that we were getting too much for the pound +before the War. Mr. BALDWIN, for the Government, made a speech so full of +sound commonsense that Sir FREDERICK BANBURY hoped he would send a special +copy of it to San Remo for the edification of the PRIME MINISTER. + +The rest of the evening was mainly taken up with the case of the Irish +hunger-strikers. Mr. BONAR LAW was at first very stiff in his attitude, +pointing out quite reasonably that if the Government found it necessary to +intern people suspected of crime it was absurd to let them out again +because they threatened to commit suicide. Several Members, English as well +as Irish, thought that there was a case for differentiating between +convicted prisoners and those who were merely under suspicion, and on the +adjournment the Irish Attorney-General a little relieved the prevailing +gloom by a hint that some modification of the prison-rules might be made on +these lines. + +_Wednesday, April 14th._--The MINISTER OF HEALTH announced with some pride +that under the Housing Acts passed last year no fewer than 1,346 dwellings +had actually been completed, and twelve thousand more were in various +stages of construction. But he showed no enthusiasm for the suggestion that +be should extend the benefits of the Acts to others besides the "working +classes," and flatly declined to attempt a definition of that ambiguous +term. It is believed, however, that recent experience has convinced him +that builders in general and bricklayers in particular cannot properly be +so described. + +Mr. RENDALL'S attempt to get the House to pledge itself in advance to the +full policy of Lord BUCKMASTER'S Divorce Bill was defeated. The main +opposition came from Mr. RONALD MCNEILL, who sits for Canterbury and spoke +with cathedral solemnity. Mr. MUNRO supported the Resolution, on the ground +that Englishwomen ought not to be refused the advantages enjoyed by their +Scotch sisters. Marriage in Scotland appears to resemble Glasgow--there are +great facilities for getting away from it. But Lady ASTOR, hailing from a +land where they are even greater, displayed no desire to jump to +conclusions, and asked for an interval of five or ten years to make up her +mind. + +[Illustration: AN EX-ADMIRALTY CRICHTON. + +DR. MACNAMARA EFFECTS A LABOUR EXCHANGE.] + +If the cheers that greeted Mr. MACPHERSON were meant to console him for his +"Irishman's rise" in slipping down from the Chief Secretaryship to the +Ministry of Pensions, they were assuredly superfluous. The supposed victim +was obviously delighted to be rid of the responsibility for a policy which +seems to grow more tangled every day. Only on Tuesday Mr. BONAR LAW was +assuring the House that the Mountjoy hunger-strikers must be left to commit +suicide if they chose; the Government could not release men suspected of +grave crimes. This afternoon he announced that sixty-six of them had in +fact been liberated on parole. + +The new Minister of Labour (late of the Admiralty) came on board again, +looking none the worse for his strenuous exertions at Camberwell. He had a +hearty welcome from all quarters of the House, which would hardly know +itself without its "Dr. MAC." + +It is one thing to gain a seat in the House, but quite another thing to +keep it, as Sir W. JOYNSON-HICKS has just discovered. Returning from a +prolonged tour in foreign parts he found that his favourite corner-seat had +been annexed by another Member. Determined to reclaim it, he visited the +House at 8 A.M. and inserted his card; but on coming back to the House for +prayers found that the usurper had substituted her own. Mr. T.P. O'CONNOR, +with old-world chivalry, considered that the only lady-Member should be +allowed to sit where she pleased; but the SPEAKER upheld the principle +"first come, first served." + +On a Vote of twenty-seven millions for the expenses of the Ministry of +Munitions Mr. HOPE told a flattering tale. The Department might be spending +a lot of money, but it was making a great deal more; and he anticipated +that the Disposals Board would hand over to the Exchequer this year +something like a hundred millions, if not more. The Slough Depot, he +maintained, had been run at a profit and sold at a profit. The Ministry +might have made some mistakes, but it represented a prodigious national +effort, of which the historian would speak with amazement and praise. + +Unimpressed by this panegyric Sir DONALD MACLEAN intimated that he came to +bury the Ministry and not to praise it. In his view its administration had +been grossly extravagant. He demanded the full details of the Slough +transaction and suggested that the Vote should be withdrawn until they were +forthcoming. To this proposal Mr. HOPE, with more humility than I should +have expected after the optimism of his earlier speech, ultimately agreed. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Our Animal Artist._ "THOSE CHICKENS I BOUGHT OFF YOU ARE NO +GOOD TO ME." + +_Farmer._ "NO GOOD, SIR? WHAT'S WRONG WI' 'EM?" + +_Our Animal Artist._ "THEY'VE GOT NO EXPRESSION."] + + * * * * * + +THE LAND OF LOGIC. + +Let me tell you about my Nationalist friend, Gabal Osman Effendi. + +The circumstances of his brother's death, which were as follows, drove him +into politics and made him a fervent advocate of "Egypt for the Egyptians." + +His brother was in a very humble way and lived in a little mud village. +There he had a friend, yet poorer than himself, who only attained to +prosperity when a plague fell on the village. The sanitary authorities put +a cordon around it to prevent the spread of the plague, and hired this man +among others to throw disinfectants and things into any drains that +happened to exist. Thus Osman Effendi's brother's friend became a +Government servant. + +Now Osman Effendi's brother had a sore leg. When he heard of his friend's +new work he thought he saw a way to avoid any doctor's fees. So he went to +him and said, "I hear that you are now a doctor." His friend, proud but +truthful, said he was perhaps hardly that, but he was certainly put to +administer drugs. Osman's brother pointed out that his leg was sore and +suggested that it should be healed. The other looked doubtful, then +produced a lump of his disinfectant. "This," said he, "is a powerful drug +and, who knows? it may cure your leg." It was a friendly act; but Osman's +brother swallowed the lump and shortly afterwards died. + +Osman Effendi at once brought an action for damages against the Government, +on the ground that its servant had caused the death of his brother (whom, +as a matter of fact, he himself had largely supported). The case was heard +by a Court on which sat two Egyptian judges and one English, and the +decision went against Osman. This convinced him of the injustice of the +English. + +The Assize Court of Appeal, which visited the district and heard Osman +Effendi's appeal against the first verdict, consisted of three Egyptian +judges. It is true that the English judge who should have gone on Assize +had fallen ill, and there was no other to take his place. But Osman Effendi +saw in this too the malevolent hand of the English, who nourished a grudge +against him. "How," he said, "can I obtain justice if there is no +Englishman on the Court?" + +From that moment he has become an ultra-Nationalist, and has, I believe, +been seen in the streets of Cairo shouting with the best of them the latest +"English" catchword of "Long Live Egypt! Long Die MILNER!" + +He is, you see, an educated man. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Editor (to poet of somewhat dissolute habits who has been +paid in advance for contributions which are not forthcoming)._ "I KNOW +YOU'RE GOING TO THE DEVIL AS HARD AS YOU CAN; BUT YOU'VE GOT TO SING AS YOU +GO."] + + * * * * * + +CONSOLIDATING THE EMPIRE. + + "In honour of the visit to Napier of the Prince of Wales the roof of + the Borough Council offices is to be given a coat of paint."--_New + Zealand Paper._ + + * * * * * + +"PERSONAL. + + ARTHUR.--You idiot.--Irene."--_Times._ + +Very "personal," we should say. + + * * * * * + + "Sir Auckland and Lady Geddes left London last Saturday for the Untied + States."--_Irish Paper._ + +It is only fair to add that they have not chosen this country for the sake +of its easy Divorce Laws. + + * * * * * + + "Major. Christopher Lowther (CUCumberland, North) moved a new clause." + --_Provincial Paper._ + +It was somewhere in this neighbourhood, we believe, that WORDSWORTH +discovered his "winsome marrow." + + * * * * * + + "Though to-day is Primrose Day...."--_Daily Mirror, April 12th._ + +At the risk of being thought behind the times, we ourselves deferred our +celebration until April 19th as usual. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: "YOU SETTLE WITH HIM. YOU'RE CHAIRMAN OF THE +ANTI-PROFITEERING COMMITTEE."] + + * * * * * + +AT THE PLAY. + +"BIRDS OF A FEATHER." + +It is nearly always a good thing for the author of a play to know what he +is after, and if he can get his audience to follow him so much the better. +It is quite possible that Mr. ESMOND had an idea in his head when he wrote +_Birds of a Feather_, but if so he never let me get at it. Up to the very +end I had no conception of what he was trying to illustrate, unless it was +the trite theory that we are the creatures of our environment. + +That, at any rate, was how _Constance_ (of "the House of _Ussher_") +explained her vagaries, though I couldn't see why. The daughter of a very +rich Jew, whose Christian wife had run away from him, she was brought up in +great comfort, which included the love of a peer's son, her father's +secretary. It is true that her stern parent would not hear of their union; +but that has no doubt happened to young heiresses before now without +turning them into criminals. With _Constance_ however it seems to have been +different. She had gathered from what she knew of her father's career that +there must be easy ways of making money if you are not too scrupulous, so +she forged his name for a thousand pounds with speculative intent. It was +open to the old man to regard this as an act of filial piety, since it was +an attempt, however crude, to follow the parental tradition; but apparently +forgery had not been one of his foibles and he threatened her with the law +unless she gave up the idea of marrying the secretary, now dismissed from +his service. + +Meanwhile she has been carrying on a secret intrigue with that gentleman +(she must have got this from her "Christian" mother), and when her father +comes to know of it he suddenly exhibits an unsuspected gift of +sentimentality ("My baby Con! my baby Con!" he sobs), and, in terror lest +his ewe-lamb's name should be tainted by the breath of scandal, he offers +his late secretary a heavy sum of money to make an honest woman of her. It +sounds a little inconsistent, but of course there may have been a nice +differentiation in the old rogue's mind between a moral and a criminal +offence, in favour of the latter. + +As for _Constance_ I have seldom met a less seizable character. If she was +the result of environment there was no visible sign to show how it infected +her. We simply had to take Mr. ESMOND'S word for it. To me the menage +seemed to be of the most respectable. But, of course, you can always +attribute anything to your surroundings. One environment is vicious and so +drives you to vice; another is virtuous with the same effect. _Constance_ +might condemn hers, but it never had a chance with a girl like that. + +For myself it was not her viciousness that worried me, it was her +vulgarity; and of this she seemed quite unconscious. Her speech abounded in +second-rate colloquialisms. Was it her environment that taught her to say +dreadful things like "Put that in your pipe and smoke it"? The cheap fun +that she got out of a girl-friend who had made it a rule to pray for +her was the kind of thing you would be sorry to find in a common +boarding-school. And are gentlefolk in the habit of asking a man, as +_Constance_ did, how it was that he ever came to get engaged to such a +woman as the one of his choice? In Bayswater it simply isn't done. + +At the end of the First Act, after many trivialities and the waste of +precious time over a description of certain characters that were presently +to appear and endorse it, there was a sudden diversion. The professional +card of a private detective was discovered in an arm-chair. No one seemed +to know how it got there, and, as the curtain chose this moment to fall, we +were left in a state of palpitation, wondering how we were to get through +the interval with our curiosity unappeased. Ultimately it turned out that +the detective was to be employed by _Miss Ussher_ (aunt) to verify her +suspicions with regard to the morals of _Constance_. But I shall never get +you to believe me when I say that the subject was not so much as touched +again till the final Act. + +I have spoken of the incongruous stuff of which old _Jacob Ussher's_ heart +was constructed. That strange organ was hard enough to make him give his +daughter away to his secretary in the matter of the forgery; but when it +came to a question of the exposure of her relations with her lover this +same heart was found to be of the consistency of putty. + +I hope I shall not seem guilty of _Constance's_ indiscretion if I politely +wonder how it was that so astute a judge as Miss MARIE LOeHR accepted this +play. Actor-managers, of course, have been known to produce indifferent +work for the sake of a good acting part for themselves. If that was her +motive I think she must have imagined a fine subtlety in a character which +was difficult only because it was loosely conceived. If she failed to make +it plausible it was not for want of very adroit handling. + +In _Jacob Ussher_ Mr. ESMOND gave himself a most congenial part, in which +he easily surpassed his achievement as author. Mr. TOZER as a slum-parson +was extremely probable with his quiet sincerity. But our chief consolation +came from Miss RACHEL DE SOLLA as the maiden aunt, a reactionary type of +the most confirmed stolidity, with a weakness for diamonds and indigestion. +Miss MARIE LOeHR had many clever things to say, but it didn't matter what +Miss DE SOLLA said; her manner was irresistible. + +I must doubt, however, whether the excellent work of the actors will carry +the play to success. Even its title is obscure. The only thing I know about +"birds of a feather" is that they are supposed to "flock together"; and I +have always been given to understand that the adage alludes to the mutual +attraction of similar types. Nobody ever told me that it was meant to +indicate that the sins of the father bird are liable to be reproduced in +his chicken, + +ANNA PAVLOVA. + +She hasn't changed at all. Many Russian dancers have come and gone since +last she was with us, but there is still none like her, none. Her perfect +technique remains the least of her graces. The secret of her charm lies +deeper, in the power to interpret and convey emotions in the language of +her art. To watch her feet alone is to hear the shuddering sigh of her +Dying Swan, but her whole body is alert to translate every nuance of her +theme. + +She can draw beauty even from an anticlimax. Again and again in +_Snowflakes_, when her partner withdrew the support of his hand, she poised +for a moment, and, when the poise had to cease, covered her descent with +the most fascinating gestures of head and arms. + +I liked her least (if one may talk of her like that) as the gipsy-girl in +_Amarilla_; not that she failed in dramatic intensity but that jealous +passion seems alien to her temperament as we have learned to know it. I +think, however, that my judgment was tainted by her wig, which greatly +distressed me. + +In M. VOLININE she has a very accomplished partner. His solo as a +_Pierrot_, danced to a familiar air of DVORAK'S, was the most delightful of +"_divertissements_." Her other dancers, Russian and English, make up a +really excellent company. The _presto furioso_ of the wild gipsy dance in +_Amarilla_, to the exciting music of GLOZOUNOW and DRIGO, was a brilliant +_tour de force_. + +My only complaint (apart from _Amarilla's_ wig) is that the programme's +explanation of the motive of _Snowflakes_ was beyond me. "A little girl," +it says, "receives as a present a nut-cracker in the form of a doll. The +doll is in reality a Prince who has been transformed by a bad fairy, but by +an act of devotion to the little girl he is restored to life. He then leads +his little friend and other children to the Kingdom of Pine-trees where the +Christmas-tree was born." It is true that the music was from TSCHAIKOWSKI'S +"Casse-Noisettes," and that the snow-scene was suggestive of Christmas-time; +but there was no sign of a "nut-cracker in the form of a doll," or, if +there was, I can't think how it escaped me, for I was watching with all +my eyes. + +O.S. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: THE LANGUAGE OF LOVE. + +_Schoolboy_ (_after long pause_). "I SAY--ER--CAN YOU MOVE YOUR EARS?"] + + * * * * * + + "Chaplain-Master Wanted on May 13th for one term to Teach Latin and + History in Upper School, coloris paribus a cricketer would be most + acceptable."--_Provincial Paper._ + +"_Coloris paribus_" suggests faintly that the authorities hope to get a +double-blue; but it looks as if he would have to spend most of the term in +teaching Latin. + + * * * * * + +BIRD CALLS. + +I. + + The lark he trills his song on high, + A tiny speck on a wide blue sky; + "Tira-lir, it's sweet up here, + It's sweet up here, my dear, my dear." + + The turtle-dove's in love and so + Is anxious all his world should know + And follow his example too:-- + "Look at us two. Oh do, oh do." + + Woodpeckers make their thirsty cry + Of "Pluie, pluie, pluie," to a sunlit sky; + But sure enough they have their way + For rain, rain, rain will fall next day. + + The blackbird also craves a boon, + Says "Bring a cherry, bring a cherry, soon, soon, soon;" + And there in answer to his call + The cherry blooms on the garden wall. + + The thrush of all the birds that sing + Of nests and little wives in Spring + Alone confides the secret way:-- + "What does she _line_ it with? Why, clay." + + The willow wren she sings a song + Just like her mate, though not so long, + But both sing in all winds and weathers, + "Sing to me; bring to me little brown feathers." + + * * * * * + +SPRING AT KEW. + +I am not one of those who believe in going down to the country to look at +this Spring of which there is so much talk. Wanting in business +organisation and coherent effort, Spring in the country is a poor affair at +the best; there may be half-a-dozen daffodils in flower in one spinney, but +you have to tramp over two or three muddy fields after that to find a +button-hole of primroses, and so onwards over a stile and a ditch to the +place where the blackthorn has blossomed and the green woodpecker is +pecking the greenwood tree. + +And very likely there are gates. Judging from statements in novels you +might suppose a gate to be a bright and simple piece of mechanism, swung on +by rosy-cheeked children and easily opened by Lord Hugo with his riding-crop +so that Lady Hermione may jog through it on her practically priceless +bay. That is quite wrong. It rests on the primary fallacy that gates are +meant to be opened, whereas they are really meant to be kept shut. What +actually happens when you want to open one is that you plunge halfway +through a deep quagmire, climb on to a slippery stone, wrestle with a piece +of hoop-iron, some barbed wire and some pieces of furze, lift the gate up +by the bottom bar and wade through the rest of the quagmire carrying it on +your shoulder. + +If you are riding like Lord Hugo you hook the fastening of the gate with +the handle of your crop and make your horse shunt slowly backwards by +applying the reverse clutch with your feet. As the gate refuses to give, +you are, of course, drawn gently over the animal's head until you tumble +into the bog like a man whose punt-pole is stuck in the bottom of the +stream. + +That is why I like going down to Kew, where the Spring is tidy and +concentrated, and there is a squared map, just like France, at the +turnstile gate to direct you to the magnolia dump, and little notices +pointing you to the Temperate Houses, though this is really unnecessary, +because there are no licensed premises in the Gardens at Kew. All is quiet +and calm. You are not even compelled to leave the gravel-walks and tread on +the damp grass, unless you have a desire to go to the river's edge and see +how stiffly the tail of the Duke of NORTHUMBERLAND'S stone lion sticks out +on the further bank between the two peel towers from which his crossbowmen +contemplate the Surrey marshes. + +I used to know a man who had mugged up all the trees and plants, so that +when you said to him, "What a funny juniper that is over there, with blue +peach-blossoms on it," he would reply, "You mean the _Pyrofoliata persica +corylus_," and explain how it was first introduced into England by JEREMY +TAYLOR in 1658. Then when you went up to look at the placard on the tree +you not only found that he was perfectly right, but obtained the additional +information that the wood was of a particularly hard and durable nature, +and only used for making the heads of croquet mallets and the seats on the +tops of motor omnibuses. + +I like this plan of putting placards upon trees, and I think it might well +be carried out in the country too. There would be none of that standing +about in the wet then, and arguing whether the thing is a beech or an oak, +when all the time it is a horse-chestnut and laughing up its bark at you. + +One must not forget either at Kew the great conservatories, though I do not +care for these so much because there are men in them watching to see that +you do not pick the cactuses or the palms to put in your button-hole; nor +the magnificent Pagoda, which accommodates the Observator, who watches for +the flowers to come out, and the Curator, who writes appreciative little +notices to stick on the beds; nor the piebald swans in the artificial lake. + +But the great glory of Kew is the Pump-room. It is surrounded by +marble-topped tables and green seats, and I am aware that it is not called +a Pump-room, though a noise proceeds from inside it very like the panting +of a pump. They tell me that this is an hydraulic machine for washing up the +cups and plates; but I do not believe them, because so many people who take +tea round the Pump-room drink left-handed, as if the reverse side of the +cup had belonged to somebody else. + +Anyhow it is a very jolly and democratic assemblage that sits and drinks +tea under the trees and eats cakes that have no placard on them to say at +what date they were introduced into England. Here you may see the +prosperous docker with his wife and family sitting quite unostentatiously +at the next table to the needy scientist who has come to make notes about +the purple narcissi. And a little further on is the novelist who is getting +local colour for his great rustic love-scene which he is going to say took +place in the heart of Devonshire. + +But it was not for the purpose of providing you with tea and cakes that the +Pump-room was founded. Just as you may read in your morning paper that the +Honourable Miss Muffet has proceeded to Harrogate to take the waters, so it +is with Kew. One goes to Kew to take the watercresses. I have found out by +exhaustive inquiries from one of the waitresses that, though you may +substitute rolls and butter for bread and margarine, and may have marmalade +with either or both, and though it is optional to eat even the cakes with +yellow sugar upon them, there is no way of evading the watercresses. There +is a strong feeling amongst the waitresses that it is just these compulsory +watercresses which have made us Englishmen what we are. The whole vast +pleasure-ground really centres round them, and the reason why Londoners +flock (as the papers say) to Kew is that they are hungry for the medicinal +virtues of this aquaceous plant. + +After you have taken the watercresses you are allowed to wander about the +Gardens again and look at QUEEN VICTORIA'S cottage, round which there is +always an eager and admiring crowd examining it from every point of view +and wondering what premium they would have to pay for it if it were on the +market now. And then you will want to go home and be unable to find the +gate; but after a little time the Observator will observe you with his +telescope from the top of the Pagoda and mention it to the Curator, who +will direct a bronzed and amiable man in a blue uniform to lead you to the +turnstile. + +I am told that there are some people who do not care to sample their Spring +at Kew or in the country either, but prefer to go to San Remo or spend +Saturday afternoon toiling in their own back-garden. Let them mind their +peas, I say, while I go down to Kew. + +EVOE. + + * * * * * + +THE CAUTIOUS AMORIST + +(_Showing the effect of official phraseology on love-letters._) + + Dearest Mary, this delay + In the fixing of the day + Drives all happiness away + From my ken. + If you _only_ will decide + When you'll be my blushing bride + You will see me glorified-- + If and when. + + They have promised me a rise + When the senior partner dies; + He is eighty and he lies + Very ill; + But until you seal your "Yes" + By a notice in the Press + I shall not feel safe--unless + And until. + + * * * * * + + "Bicycles of old-fashioned design acquired a new lease of life, and + took to the road, where they were joined by pony traps in which father, + mother and many children, all with crimped hair and white pinafores, + were tightly packed."--_Daily Paper_. + +Father, we are told, looked a perfect darling. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: THE RULING PASSION. + +_Absentee._ "I WAS PLAYING FOOT-BA' IN THE STREET, AND THE POLICE TOOK AND +LOCKED ME UP FOR FOUR HOURS." + +_Teacher._ "DID YOU GET ANYTHING TO EAT?" + +_Absentee._ "AY--A HARD ROLL." + +_Teacher_. "WHAT DID YOU DO WITH IT?" + +_Absentee_. "PLAYED FOOT-BA'."] + + * * * * * + +OUR BOOKING-OFFICE. + +(_By Mr. Punch's Staff of Learned Clerks._) + +The title, somewhat puzzling at first, which Miss F.E. MILLS YOUNG has +given to her latest story, _The Almonds of Life_ (HODDER AND STOUGHTON), +turns out to be based upon a Chinese proverb to the effect that "almonds +came to those who have no teeth." This rather devastating sample of +philosophy (which I have put by for use against the next person who +attempts to work off upon me the adage about those who wait) forms the text +of a well-told tale of misplaced affections. As you may expect, if you know +Miss YOUNG'S former work, it is a South African story, not concerned +however with Boers and natives and the trackless veld, but with coastwise +civilization and suburban garden-parties. As before, the author excellently +conveys the place-feeling, so well indeed that I was sorry when the love +intrigues of the two protagonists necessitated their quitting Africa for a +more conventional Italian setting. I may summarise the plot by telling you +that the particular almond that fell too late to the heroine was somebody +else's husband. But it wasn't so much that she was unable to eat him as +that he proved indigestible when swallowed. The lady was _Gerda_, young and +dazzling bride of the middle-aged _Fred Wooten_, and the gentleman one of +her husband's closest friends, also (before the arrival of _Gerda_) happily +married to a wife whom I found the most attractive person in the book. I +need not further detail the crooked course of untrue love, though I may +hint at a fault in balance, where your sympathy, previously and rightly +enlisted for poor betrayed _Fred_, is demanded for _Gerda_ in her +difficulty with the almond. As usual, Miss YOUNG unfolds her plot with +admirable directness, chiefly through a natural and unforced dialogue, so +easy that it disguises its own art. + + * * * * * + +If any reasonable man still possesses a grain of sympathy with Bolshevism I +invite him to purge himself by reading _With the "Die-Hards" in Siberia_ +(CASSELL). In August, 1918, Colonel JOHN WARD, M.P., reached Vladivostok in +command of the 25th Battalion Middlesex Regiment, and from the time of his +arrival until his departure nearly a year later his position was almost +grotesquely difficult. Of our Allies in Siberia and of their policy he +writes with justifiable frankness. Our own is not excused, but he lets us +clearly see that however ineffectual it may have been there was honesty of +purpose underlying it. In the medley of confusion which prevailed we were +lucky to have in Colonel WARD as senior British officer a man who was not +afraid to shoulder his responsibility. Under conditions so exasperating +that anyone might have been excused if he had been overwhelmed with anger +and bewilderment he was resolved to uphold our prestige. Upon the +Bolshevist horrors in Siberia he does not dwell, but he says enough in +passing to make one shudder. Colonel WARD is a true friend of Russia. "This +great people are bound to recover, and become all the stronger for their +present trials," are the concluding words of his preface. That this +prophecy may come true must be the prayer of all of us who remember what we +owed to Russia during the earlier part of the War. + + * * * * * + +It was perhaps my misfortune that, not having read the book in which Mr. +EDGAR RICE BURROUGHS recorded the earlier adventures of his hero, _John +Carter_, in the red planet Mars, when that gentleman precipitated himself +thither (from the banks of the Hudson, of all places), I found myself in +more senses than one out of my element. Not that it really matters; since +the Martian existence of _Mr. Carter_ was apparently of that wild and +whirling character, familiar to patrons of the Continuous Programme, in +which one thrill follows upon another so fast that their precise order +becomes of small moment. When I tell you that the opening chapters of this +remarkable nightmare--_The Gods of Mars_ (METHUEN)--contain monsters with +one white eye and mouths in their hands, flying pirates, an air-ship that +sinks down a volcano, an ageless witch who--but why continue? The +publishers call these happenings "bold;" but this is a pitiful +understatement. Really they are of a character to make the wildest +imaginings of JULES VERNE, friend of my youth, or Mr. WELLS, companion of +my riper years, read like the peaceful annals of a country rectory. To +quote again from the publishers, "only the man who created _Tarzan_ could +write such stories." If _Tarzan_ were in any way comparable with the +present volume, it would perhaps not be unfair to add the corollary that +only those readers who appreciated the one could swallow the other. +Mercifully, Mr. BURROUGHS writes so continually at the top of his voice +that after a time the clatter comes to have an effect merely soporific. + + * * * * * + +Since Major-General Sir C.E. CALLWELL has, in _The Dardanelles_ +(CONSTABLE), added a volume to a series called _Campaigns and Their +Lessons_, it is clear that he is writing mainly for military students, but +none the less at least one man in the street--meaning myself--has been +glad, after reading plenty of merely descriptive accounts of the Gallipoli +affair, to find a book that frankly and justifiably does lay claim to +technical proficiency. The exponents of vivid narrative, modestly +disclaiming expert knowledge, have been painfully liable to break off just +short of what one wanted most to know. They told us how things happened, +or, at any rate, how it seemed they happened, but the reason why of things +they had to leave to others. In this book we really do get at the why, and +even more the why not, of the magnificent failure. Of actual incident and +human interest General CALLWELL'S account, which in a sense is only +supplementary to the others, adds little to our previous knowledge. The +only point of the sort I picked up is his notice of the characteristic +reluctance shown by Anzacs to report themselves as sick when urged to do so +with a view to the gradual removal of troops without withdrawal of entire +units. It is hardly necessary to add that the author is an old literary +hand, with a pleasantly clear and luminous style of his own, though one is +free to admit he splits his infinitives almost as much as Sir IAN HAMILTON +split his forces, and with less justification. + + * * * * * + +In the very improving books which I had to read long ago the hero or +heroine usually had a cross to bear. They bore it with great fortitude, and +frequently died young. When therefore I opened Mr. JEROME K. JEROME'S _All +Roads Lead to Calvary_ (HUTCHINSON) I fancied I knew what to expect. I read +that _Joan Allway_ was possessed of remarkable beauty, a "Stevensonian +touch" and suitable introductions to editors and newspaper proprietors, and +that from the pulpit of a column in the evening Press, with her photograph +at the top, she attempted to reform the world. I don't know how the +photograph came out, but there was apparently no martyrdom so far. +Afterwards she began to encourage and inspire _Robert Phillips_, a Labour +M.P. and future Cabinet Minister, and at the same time to be kind to and +educate _Mrs. Phillips_, who was good-natured, vulgar and middle-aged. +Falling gradually in love with the politician, she withdrew only just in +time, nursed in a French hospital, married a journalist friend and settled +down happily with him to reform a little bit of the world at a time, and +that the part nearest to hand. And now I am left wondering what _Joan +Allway's_ cross was. Would avoiding the Divorce Court be counted the +roughest path of self-denial in a moral anecdote of to-day? + + * * * * * + +_Running Wild_ (SIMPKIN) is the expressive title of a collection of +child-memories by the late Mr. BERTRAM SMITH, whom readers of _Punch_ will +remember by the pseudonym "BIS." They can here learn from a sympathetic +little introduction by Mr. WARD MUIR under what conditions of a brave but +losing battle with ill-health this delicate and vivacious work was written. +When I say that these recollections (which I decline to call by any word +implying more artifice) illustrate their author, I give you their measure +for honesty and charm combined. Honesty first of all; Mr. SMITH'S young +barbarians running wild and, one conjectures, rapidly reducing their elders +to a like condition, have the compelling effect of unsentimental truth. Few +clouds of glory, for example, trail about the protagonists of "A Day," a +tribute to the joyous intoxication of a day-long orgie of naughtiness +deliberate and wholly unrepented. You will find much in these pages to +waken half-forgotten and perhaps secret pleasures. Thus there was for +me a personal echo in the rejection as a seaside entertainment of +castle-building and the ordered sequence of the tides in favour of the +infinitely more variable delight of running water and a sufficiency of mud. +Perhaps I have said enough to suggest the charm of an engaging volume, +itself a memorial of one whose kindly laughter will be missed by many. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Young Alf._ "CHUCK IT, JIMMY. 'E AIN'T GOT A KIND FACE."] + + + + + + +End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Volume +158, April 21, 1920, by Various + +*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH, OR THE LONDON *** + +***** This file should be named 16213.txt or 16213.zip ***** +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: + https://www.gutenberg.org/1/6/2/1/16213/ + +Produced by Jonathan Ingram, Keith Edkins and the Online +Distributed Proofreading Team at https://www.pgdp.net + + +Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions +will be renamed. + +Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no +one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation +(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without +permission and without paying copyright royalties. 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