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diff --git a/16213-h/16213-h.htm b/16213-h/16213-h.htm new file mode 100644 index 0000000..cf33034 --- /dev/null +++ b/16213-h/16213-h.htm @@ -0,0 +1,2379 @@ +<!DOCTYPE html PUBLIC "-//W3C//DTD XHTML 1.0 Transitional//EN" + "http://www.w3.org/TR/xhtml1/DTD/xhtml1-transitional.dtd"> + +<html xmlns="http://www.w3.org/1999/xhtml"> +<head> + <meta http-equiv="Content-Type" content="text/html; charset=iso-8859-1" /> + + <title>Punch, April 21st, 1920.</title> + + <style type="text/css"> + <!-- + body {margin-left: 10%; margin-right: 10%;} + p {text-align: justify;} + p.center {text-align: center;} + p.author {text-align: right; margin-top: -1em; margin-right: 5%;} + p.right {text-align: right; margin-right: 5%;} + .i16 {margin-left: 8em;} + blockquote {text-align: justify;} + h1,h2,h3,h4,h5,h6 {text-align: center;} + pre {font-size: 0.7em;} + + hr {text-align: center; width: 50%;} + html>body hr {margin-right: 25%; margin-left: 25%; width: 50%;} + hr.full {width: 100%;} + html>body hr.full {margin-right: 0%; margin-left: 0%; width: 100%;} + hr.short {text-align: center; width: 20%;} + html>body hr.short {margin-right: 40%; margin-left: 40%; width: 20%;} + + .sc {font-variant: small-caps;} + .note + {margin-left: 10%; margin-right: 10%; font-size: 0.9em;} + + span.pagenum + {position: absolute; left: 1%; right: 91%; font-size: 8pt; text-indent: 0;} + + .poem + {margin-left:10%; margin-right:10%; margin-bottom: 1em; text-align: left;} + .poem .stanza {margin: 1em 0em 1em 0em;} + .poem p {margin: 0; padding-left: 3em; text-indent: -3em;} + .poem p.i2 {margin-left: 1em;} + .poem p.i4 {margin-left: 2em;} + .poem p.i6 {margin-left: 3em;} + .poem p.i8 {margin-left: 4em;} + .poem p.i10 {margin-left: 5em;} + .poem p.i12 {margin-left: 6em;} + .poem p.i16 {margin-left: 8em;} + + .figure, .figcenter, .figright, .figleft + {padding: 1em; margin: 0; text-align: center; font-size: 0.8em;} + .figure img, .figcenter img, .figright img, .figleft img + {border: none;} + .figure p, .figcenter p, .figright p, .figleft p + {margin: 0; text-indent: 1em;} + .figure p.in, .figcenter p.in, .figright p.in, .figleft p.in + {margin: 0; text-indent: 8em;} + .figcenter {margin: auto;} + .figright {float: right;} + .figleft {float: left;} + --> + </style> +</head> +<body> + + +<pre> + +The Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Volume 158, +April 21, 1920, by Various + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: Punch, or the London Charivari, Volume 158, April 21, 1920 + +Author: Various + +Release Date: July 5, 2005 [EBook #16213] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1 + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH, OR THE LONDON *** + + + + +Produced by Jonathan Ingram, Keith Edkins and the Online +Distributed Proofreading Team at https://www.pgdp.net + + + + + + +</pre> + + <h1>PUNCH,<br /> + OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.</h1> + + <h2>Vol. 158.</h2> + <hr class="full" /> + + <h2>April 21st, 1920.</h2> + <hr class="full" /> +<span class="pagenum"><a name="page301" id="page301"></a>[pg 301]</span> + +<h3>CHARIVARIA.</h3> + + <p>It appears that Irish criminals may be divided into three classes + (<i>a</i>) The ones you can't catch; (<i>b</i>) The ones you have caught + but can't convict; (<i>c</i>) The ones you have convicted but can't keep + in prison.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + + <p>To such an extent has America gone dry that nearly all letters + despatched from Scotsmen living over there are posted with the stamps + pinned to the envelopes.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + + <p>"We are certainly going to gain by the sale of the Slough works," said + Mr. <font class="sc">Bonar Law</font> last week. Whether to an extent + that will justify the Government for having kept <i>The Daily Mail</i> + waiting like that is another question.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + + <p>Mr. <font class="sc">James Fowler</font> of Deptford has offered to + walk from Westminster Bridge to Brighton with a jar on his head. We + assume that he has mislaid his hat.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + + <p>In Hertfordshire the other day a boy was knocked down by a + funeral-car. It may have been an accident, but it has all the appearance + of greed.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + + <p>A constable giving evidence at Willesden police-court said a prisoner + called him a "sergeant-major." We feel sure the fellow could not have + meant it.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + + <p>Mrs. <font class="sc">Alice L. Yocum</font>, of Boone, U.S.A., has + just obtained her thirteenth divorce. It is said that she has the finest + collection of husbands in America.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + + <p>The man who last week said he had not read "Another Powerful Article" + by Mr. <font class="sc">Horatio Bottomley</font> in the Sunday Press is + thought to be an impostor.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + + <p>Parents in New York who are afraid of losing their children may + register them at the Bureau of Missing People. As we have no such + institution in this country parents must adopt the old method of writing + their names and addresses on the top right-hand corner of their + offspring.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + + <p>Any wind blowing at more than seventy miles an hour, says an informing + paper, may be called a hurricane. At the same time we doubt if this would + have much effect on it.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + + <p>Our sympathy is with the young Flight Lieutenant of the R.A.F. who has + been unable to keep up with the uniforms designed by the Air Ministry. He + is now said to be three uniforms behind.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + + <p>It is claimed that whilst standing on a certain rock near Aberdeen one + can obtain a thousand echoes from a single shout. We understand that the + local habit of going there in order to pull a cork out of a bottle has + now been prohibited owing to the annoyance caused to American + visitors.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + + <p>A large grocery warehouse in Liverpool was practically destroyed by + fire last Thursday week. We understand that the orderly manner in which + the cheeses fell in and marched out of the danger-zone was alone + responsible for preventing a panic.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + + <p>"Keep smiling and you will never need a doctor," advises a writer in + an illustrated daily. A friend of ours who put it to the test now writes + to us from a well-known county asylum advising us to choose the + doctor.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + + <p>According to a morning paper, Micky, the oldest ape in the Zoo, now + wears a mournful expression and seems to be tired of life. It is thought + that he may have recently overhead the remark made by a thoughtless + visitor that he was growing more like a Bolshevik every day.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + + <p>A certain lamp-post in Maida Vale has been knocked down twice by the + same bus. If the bus knocks it down once more the lamp becomes its own + property.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + + <p>The amazing report that one of the first six to finish in the London + to Brighton walk was once a telegraph-boy is now denied.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + + <p>There is a man living in the Edgware Road, it is stated, who has never + been on an omnibus. He has often seen them whizzing by, he declares, but + has always resisted the temptation to take the fatal plunge.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + + <p>There will be no Naval manœuvres this year, it is announced. How + under these conditions Mr. <font class="sc">Pollen</font> can continue to + teach the Navy its business is a very grave question.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + + <p>At a St. Dunstan's auction at Thornton Heath autographs of Mr. <font + class="sc">George Robey</font> and the <font class="sc">Premier</font> + were sold at ten shillings each. Mr. <font class="sc">Robey</font>, it + appears, generously insisted on treating the matter as a joke.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + + <p>A Manchester scientist claims to have discovered a means of making + vegetable alcohol undrinkable without impairing its usefulness. It looks + as if the secret of Government ale must have leaked out at last.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + + <p>We are in a position to deny a report which was being spread in + connection with a certain Model Village scheme, to the effect that the + model bricklayer had refused to perform unless he was provided with a + model public-house, while the model public-house could not be provided + until the model bricklayer started work.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + + <p>Bonnet strings, says a fashion paper, will be worn by + <i>débutantes</i> this summer. Apron strings, we gather, will continue to + be unfashionable with our flappers.</p> + +<hr /> + + <div class="figcenter" style="width:60%;"> + <a href="images/286.png"><img width="100%" src="images/286.png" + alt="" /></a> + <p><i>British Museum Official.</i> "<font class="sc">No, you can't get + into the Mummy Gallery. The Government officials are still + there.</font>"</p> + + <p><i>Rustic.</i> "<font class="sc">What! ain't they sorted 'em out + yet?</font>"</p> + </div> +<hr /> + +<span class="pagenum"><a name="page302" id="page302"></a>[pg 302]</span> + +<h2>ON THE ITALIAN RIVIERA.</h2> + +<p class="center"><font class="sc">England to her France.</font></p> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>This is a joyous trysting-place, my love,</p> + <p class="i2">With no inconstant climate to distract us;</p> + <p>Pure azure is the sky that laughs above</p> + <p class="i2">These admirable bowers of prickly cactus,</p> + <p>Where we may nestle, conjugating <i>amo</i></p> + <p class="i10"> (Dear old San Remo!).</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>We've had our difference, as lovers do;</p> + <p class="i2">A slight misunderstanding came between us;</p> + <p>But that is past; the sky (I said) is blue</p> + <p class="i2">And this the very sea that nurtured Venus;</p> + <p>Come, like her doves amid the groves of myrtle—</p> + <p class="i10"> Come, let us turtle.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>"How can they ever kiss again?" 'twas said;</p> + <p class="i2">But Love made light of that absurd conundrum;</p> + <p>And lo! your breast is pillow to my head,</p> + <p class="i2">And we've a pair of hearts that beat as one drum;</p> + <p>Our bonds, if anything, are even more</p> + <p class="i10"> Tight than before.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Your independence caused a passing pain,</p> + <p class="i2">But now, I thank you, I am feeling better;</p> + <p>You'll never go upon your own again</p> + <p class="i2">Nor I will write another nasty letter;</p> + <p>Embrace me, then, for sign of love's renewal,</p> + <p class="i10"> <i>Mon bijou</i> (jewel).</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p class="i16">O.S.</p> + </div> + </div> + +<hr /> + +<h2>THE IDENTIFICATION OF HOBBS.</h2> + + <p>Old Hobbs, the gardener, has been in our family longer than I have. + Although we live within twenty miles of London only once has he made the + journey to the great city, for that one memorable day so nearly ended in + disaster that he always speaks of it with a shudder. Indeed, but for the + arrival of Mrs. Hobbs, belated, flustered and inquiring everywhere for + her man, he must assuredly have spent the night in a police-station.</p> + + <p>This is how it all happened. Mrs. Hobbs was returning from a visit to + relations in Sussex, and her husband was to meet her in London, convoy + her across the city and bring her home. In order to avail himself of a + cheap fare Hobbs left by the 7.30 train, though his wife would not arrive + till four o'clock in the afternoon.</p> + + <p>He managed to get across London somehow. After locating the station at + which Mrs. Hobbs was to arrive his intention was to spend the day + "looking round London a bit;" but the crowds and the traffic were too + much for the old countryman, so he sought safety by staying where he + was.</p> + + <p>Time hung heavily after a while. He lingered round the bookstall + looking at the books and papers till a pert girl behind the counter asked + him if he wouldn't like a chair; but when Hobbs, who was never rude and + consequently never suspected rudeness in other people, raised his hat and + said, "No, thank'ee, Miss, I be all right standing," even the pert girl + was disarmed.</p> + + <p>Next he amused himself counting the milk-churns on the platform. Then + he killed time by interesting himself in the stacks of unattended luggage + and examining the labels; and at three o'clock a railway policeman laid a + hand on his shoulder and asked him what his game was.</p> + + <p>Hobbs, a little startled but clear in conscience, told his tale.</p> + + <p>"That don't do for me," announced the constable. "I been keeping + observation on you since nine, and your wife don't arrive till four, so + you say. I seen you hanging round the luggage and fingering parcels, and + you'll just come with me to the police-office as a suspected person + loitering. An old luggage-thief, I should say, to put it quite + plain."</p> + + <p>"Me a thief!" gasped Hobbs, roused to realities; "why, I've worked + ever since I was twelve, and me sixty-three now; I was never a thief, + Sir. Look at me hands."</p> + + <p>The constable inspected them critically. "They're a bit horny + certainly; but then that may be only your dam artfulness. Come on and + talk to the Sergeant."</p> + + <p>The Railway Police-Sergeant briskly inquired his name, address, + occupation and all the rest of it. Hobbs gave a good account of himself + and mentioned that he had worked in our family for forty-two years.</p> + + <p>"Any visiting-cards, correspondence or other papers to identify you?" + asked the Sergeant mechanically. He had said it so often to the people + who cry "Season! Season!" when there is no Season.</p> + + <p>Hobbs confessed to having none of these things; and no, he knew no one + in London.</p> + + <p>"Then you'll stay here till four," pronounced the Sergeant, "and we'll + see if this good lady of yours comes along."</p> + + <p>But, alas! no Mrs. Hobbs appeared. "Must have missed the train," + suggested Hobbs despairingly. "P'r'aps the trap broke down or + something."</p> + + <p>There was only one more train, it seemed, and that was not due until + nine.</p> + + <p>"Oh, I don't think my missus 'ud like to be so late as that," said the + suspect. "She'd wait till the morning. I don't reckon she'll come + to-night."</p> + + <p>"No more don't I." The constable was beginning to enjoy himself. "If I + was you I should drop the bluff and own I was fair caught. If you was to + ask me, I should say you didn't look like a married man at all. We'll see + what the Sergeant says now."</p> + + <p>The Sergeant was accordingly consulted. He too was rather + sceptical.</p> + + <p>"If there's any truth in what you say you'd better wire to this + gentleman at Monk's Langford that you say you work for, and try if we can + identify you somehow," he advised. And to the constable, "Take him to the + Telegraph Office and let him send his wire. Then bring him back here. + Mind he don't give you the slip."</p> + + <p>So Hobbs, sighing deeply and perspiring freely, wrote his message: + "Sir, they have got me in the police-station here and say I am a + suspected person, which you know I never was, having worked for you, Sir, + and your father for forty-two years. But the Sargeant here says he wants + proofs, and you, Sir, must vouch for me as being respectable, which you + know I am, and none of us was ever thieves. So will you please do so, + Sir, and oblige, as this leaves me at present, George Hobbs."</p> + + <p>The clerk glanced at it. "It's a long message," he said; "it'll cost + four or five shillings."</p> + + <p>Hobbs hadn't got that—no, really he hadn't.</p> + + <p>The constable standing on guard, rather bored, interposed, "We ain't + asking you to write a book about it."</p> + + <p>"No, Sir, I couldn't do that," replied Hobbs anxiously. "What would + you say, Sir, if you was me?"</p> + + <p>"Don't ask me," answered the policeman. "It's your wire, not mine. + Send something you can pay for. We only wants to find out if you're the + person you say you are. Daresay you'd like me to write it for you, and + you 'op it while I done it. I seen your kind before. Try again, + mate."</p> + + <p>So Hobbs tried again. And that is how it came about that at tea-time a + telegraph-boy brought me the bewildering message: "Mr. Lockwood, The + Nook, Monk's Langford. Sir, am I Hobbs? Hobbs."</p> + +<hr /> + +<span class="pagenum"><a name="page303" id="page303"></a>[pg 303]</span> + + <div class="figcenter" style="width:100%;"> + <a href="images/288.png"><img width="100%" src="images/288.png" + alt="" /></a> + <h3>LOVERS' QUARRELS.</h3> + + <p><font class="sc">John Bull</font> (<i>to France</i>). "WONDERFUL HOW + A LITTLE STORM IN A TEA-POT BRINGS OUT THE FLAVOUR!"</p> + </div> +<hr /> + +<span class="pagenum"><a name="page304" id="page304"></a>[pg 304]</span> + + <div class="figcenter" style="width:100%;"> + <a href="images/289.png"><img width="100%" src="images/289.png" + alt="" /></a> + <h3>OUTSIDE THE RADIUS.</h3> + + <p><i>Strong Man.</i> "<font class="sc">Now then, ladies and gentlemen, + kind appreciation, if you please. You shorly don't expect a genuine + West-End performer to 'alf kill 'isself in the sububs for + fourpence?</font>"</p> + </div> +<hr /> + +<h2>BRIDGE NOTES.</h2> + +<p class="center">(<i>With acknowledgments to several contemporaries.</i>)</p> + + <p>It would, I feel, be but fair to the great Bridge-playing public to + preface these few notes with a word of warning against the writers whom I + find to my regret affecting to speak with authority on this subject in + other periodicals. Until, as in the kindred profession of Medicine, it is + impossible to practise without a Bridge degree, nothing can be done to + prevent these quacks from laying down the law. All I can do for the + present is to point out that there is only one writer who can speak not + merely with authority, but with infallibility, upon all matters + pertaining to our national game.</p> + + <p>In this the eighth instalment of my series on Auction etiquette, I + should like to urge once more upon the young Bridge-player the importance + of playing quickly. And this because yet another case has come under my + notice in which much trouble might have been avoided by doing so. In this + case A. took seven minutes to decide whether to play the King or the + Knave, which, especially as the Queen had already been played, was, I + consider, far too long. Y., the declarer, sitting on A.'s left, certainly + found it so, for towards the end of the seventh minute he dropped off to + sleep and his cards fell forward face upward on the table. Dummy having + gone away in search of liquid refreshment, A. and his partner B. then + played out the hand as they liked and then roused Y. to inform him that, + instead of making game, he had lost three hundred above.</p> + + <p>Now, A. and B. were strictly within the rules of Auction Bridge in + acting as they did. There is no legal time limit for players, as there is + at cricket. But it would have been more tactful had they roused Y. at + once, that he might see what they were doing with his cards.</p> + + <p>Nor should tact be confined to such comparatively rare incidents as + this. For instance, it is a mistake to confuse Auction Bridge with Rugby + football. I have known players who declared "Two No-trumps" in very much + the same manner as that in which a Rugby football-player throws the + opposing three-quarter over the side-line. Excessive aggression is a + mistake. A young Civil Servant of my acquaintance even went so far as to + abstain from claiming an obvious revoke when the delinquent was the chief + of his department. Unfortunately, however, this young man, so wise in + other ways, had the annoying habit of turning his chair to bring him + luck. On one evening, when the run of the cards was against him, he + turned his chair between every hand and so annoyed his chief that no + promotion has ever come his way, and he now spends his days bitterly + regretting that he did not claim that revoke.</p> + + <p>Passing to another point, I am asked by a correspondent if it is + permissible occasionally to play from left to right, <span + class="pagenum"><a name="page305" id="page305"></a>[pg 305]</span> + instead of from right to left, just to relieve the monotony. He asks, not + unreasonably, why, if this is not so, writers on Bridge go to the trouble + of putting those little curved arrows to show which way round the cards + are to be played.</p> + + <p>For myself, I see no reason why the right-to-left convention should + not occasionally be reversed, always provided that the whole table agrees + beforehand to play in the same direction.</p> + + <p>There are many other points to which I should like to refer, and many + players to whom I should like to give a word of warning. There is the + player who suddenly breaks off to join in the conversation of other + people who happen to be in the room. There is the player who whistles to + himself while he is playing: this is a grave fault, nor does the class of + music whistled affect the question; the <i>Preislied</i> performed + through the teeth is quite as exasperating as <i>K-K-Katie</i>. Then + there is the player who breathes so hard with the exertion of the game + that he blows the cards about the table. Finally there is the player who + slaps the face of his or her partner. This is a mistake, however great + the provocation. I have not space now to deal exhaustively with these + breaches of Auction etiquette. Besides, I have to keep something in hand + for future articles.</p> + +<hr /> + + <div class="figcenter" style="width:66%;"> + <a href="images/290.png"><img width="100%" src="images/290.png" + alt="" /></a> + <p><i>Foreman (to new hand).</i> <font class="sc">"What are you doin' + there?"</font></p> + + <p><i>New Hand.</i> <font class="sc">"Oilin' the + wheelbarrow."</font></p> + + <p><i>Foreman.</i> <font class="sc">"Well, just let it alone. What do + you know about machinery?"</font></p> + </div> +<hr /> + +<h2>THE MADDING CROWD.</h2> + + <p>The scene is an Irish Point-to-Point meeting.</p> + + <p>The course lies along a shallow valley, bounded on the north by a wall + of cloudy blue mountains.</p> + + <p>At each jump stands a group of spectators; the difficulty or danger of + an obstacle may be measured by the number of spectators who stand about + it, recounting tales of past accidents and hoping cheerfully for the + future. Motor cars, side-cars, waggonettes, pony-traps and ass-carts are + drawn up anyhow round a clump of whitewashed farm buildings in the + background.</p> + + <p>Blanketed hunters are having their legs rubbed or being led up and + down by grooms. Comes a broken-winded tootle on a coach-horn and the + black-and-scarlet drag of the local garrison trundles into view. The + unsophisticated gun-horses in the lead shy violently at the flapping + canvas of an orange-stall and swerve to the left into a roulette-booth + presided over by a vociferous ancient in a tattered overcoat and blue + spectacles. The gamblers scatter like flushed partridges and the ancient + bites the turf beneath his upturned board amid a shower of silver coins. + The leaders, scared by the animated table, and the blood-curdling + invocations and wildly-waving arms and legs of the fallen croupier, shy + violently in the opposite direction and disappear into the + refreshment-tent, whence issue the crash of crockery and the shrieks of + the attendant Hebes. (Lieut.-Commander <font class="sc">Kenworthy</font> + should have some questions to pop about this at Westminster when next the + Irish Question comes up.)</p> + + <p>The bookmakers are perched a-top of a grassy knoll which overlooks the + whole course, and around them surges the crowd.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + + <p><i>Scarecrow (in somebody's cast-off dinner-jacket and somebody else's + abandoned hunting breeches.)</i> Kyard of the races! Kyard of the + races!</p> + + <p><i>Farmer.</i> Here y' are. How much?</p> + + <p><i>Scarecrow.</i> Wan shillin'-an'-sixpence, Sorr.</p> + + <p><i>Farmer.</i> There's "Price wan shillin'" printed on ut, ye + blagyard.</p> + + <p><i>Scarecrow.</i> The sixpence is for the Government's little + Intertainmints Tax, Sorr.</p> + + <p><i>Farmer.</i> Oh, go to the divil!</p> + + <p><i>Scarecrow.</i> Shure an' I will if yer honour'll give me a letther + of inthroduction. We'll call ut a shillin', thin, and I'll sthand the + loss mesilf.</p> + +<p class="author">[<i>Farmer parts with the price and +the Scarecrow dodges swiftly into +the crowd. The Farmer peruses +the card and frowns in a puzzled +way; then the date catches his +eye and he curses and tears the +list to pieces.</i></p> + + <p><i>Farmer.</i> Drat take the little scut; he's sold me last year's + kyard!</p> + + <p><i>Cattle-Dealer (shouting).</i> Hi, sthop him there!</p> + + <p><i>Farmer.</i> Whist, let him go. Let him <span class="pagenum"><a + name="page306" id="page306"></a>[pg 306]</span> trap some others first + the way I'll not be the only mug on the market this day.</p> + + <p><i>Trickster (setting up his table and jerking his cards about).</i> + I'm afther losin' a pony to thim robbers beyant, but, as Pierpont + Rockafeller said to Jawn D. Morgan, "business is business, an' if ye + don't speculate ye won't accumulate." Spot the dame and my money's yours; + spot the blank and yours is mine. "The quickness of the hand deceives the + eye, or vicy-versy," as Lord Carnegie remarked to Andrew Rothschild. Walk + up, walk up, my sporty gintlemen and thry yer luck wid the owld firm.</p> + + <p><i>Farmer.</i> There go the harses down to the post. Who's that + leadin' on the black?</p> + + <p><i>Dealer.</i> Young Misther Darley, no less. 'Tis a great fella for + all kinds of divarsion he is, the same. I was beyant to Darleystown this + week past and found him fightin' a main o'cocks before the fire in his + grandmother's drawin'-room. Herself riz up off her bed and gave the two + of us the father and mother of a dhrubbin' wid her crutch, an' she + desthroyed wid the gout an' all.</p> + + <p><i>Farmer.</i> 'Tis herself has the great heart. Hey! that's never + Clancy goin' down on the owld foxey mare? Faith, it's sorra a ha'porth + cud she course or lep these fifteen years.</p> + + <p><i>Dealer.</i> Lep, is ut? Shure she'll spring out like a birrd an' + fear no foe by dint of the two bottles of potheen she has taken an' the + couple o' lads Clancy has stationed at ivvery jump to let a roar at her + an' hearthen her wid the sthroke of an ash-plant as she comes at ut.</p> + + <p><i>First Country Boy.</i> Arrah, they're off, they're away!</p> + + <p><i>Second Country Boy.</i> Thin let us down to the big double, avic, + and be the grace of God we'll see a corpse.</p> + + <p><i>Girl in Brown (hopping from one foot to the other).</i> Can you see + Freddy, Uncle George? Is he in front? I'm sure he is. He hasn't fallen, + has he? He won't fall, will he? I'm sure he will. I do hope he'll win; I + <i>know</i> he won't. The jumps look frightful, and I'm certain he'll + break his darling neck. Oh, where <i>is</i> he, Uncle George?</p> + + <p><i>Uncle George.</i> Here, take my field-glasses.</p> + + <p><i>Girl in Brown.</i> I can't see, I can't see.</p> + + <p><i>Uncle George (drily).</i> Try looking through them the other way + round.</p> + + <p><i>Beshawled Crone (towing an aged beggar-man who wears a framed + placard reminding the public that "charity covers a multitude of sins," + and announcing that the bearer is not only "teetotally" deaf and dumb, + but also blind, barmy and partially paralysed).</i> May God's blessin' + and the blessin's of all the howly Saints an' Martyrs be on ye, and would + ye spare a little copper for a poor owld sthricken crature an' I'll pray + for ye this night an' ivvery night of me life?</p> + + <p><i>Girl in Brown.</i> Give her a shilling, Uncle George, and tell her + to pray for Freddy <i>now</i>.</p> + +<p class="author">[Uncle George <i>does the needful</i>.</p> + + <p><i>Beggar-man (miraculously recovering his speech).</i> Whist! Was + that a shillin' he gave ye? That makes ten ye have now, thin. Bun like a + hare an' put ut on Acrobat at the best ye can get.</p> + + <p><i>Farmer.</i> Clancy leads be a length.</p> + + <p><i>Dealer.</i> Thin 'tis a hardy rider will dare pass the owld foxey + mare now, for she'd reach out an' chew the leg off him, she's that + jealous.</p> + + <p><i>Farmer.</i> Woof! Pat Maguire is into the wather head-first an' + dhrinkin' a bellyful, I'll warrant—which same will be a new + sensation for him.</p> + + <p><i>Dealer.</i> It will indeed. 'Tis a wonder he wouldn't send a lad + round the course before him givin' the ditches a dash from a pocket-flask + the way he'd be in his iliment should he take a toss—the thirsty + poor fella!</p> + + <p><i>Farmer.</i> The foxey mare is down on her nose an' Clancy throwing + somersets all down the course. Acrobat has ut.</p> + + <p><i>Dealer.</i> He has not. He is all bet up. He's rollin' like a + Wexford pig-boat. Beau Brocade has the legs of him.</p> + + <p><i>Girl in Brown (jumping up and down).</i> Beau Brocade! Beau + Brocade! Oh, Freddy darling!</p> + + <p><i>Beggar-man (miraculously recovering his sight).</i> Acrobat! Put + the whip to him, ye lazy varmint! Acrobat! Och, wirra, wirra!</p> + + <p><i>Dealer.</i> Beau Brocade has him cot. He is on his quarther. He is + on his shoulder. They are neck and neck. He has him bet. Huroosh!</p> + + <p><i>Farmer.</i> What are you hurooshin' for—you with five poun' + on Acrobat?</p> + + <p><i>Dealer (crestfallen).</i> Och, dang it, I was forgettin'.</p> + + <p><i>Girl in Brown (dancing and clapping her hands).</i> Hurray! Hurray! + Hurray!</p> + + <p><i>Beggar-man.</i> ***!!! ***!!!</p> + +<p class="author">[<i>Local brass band, throned in a +dilapidated waggonette, explodes +into the opening strains of +"Garryowen."</i></p> + +<p class="author"><font class="sc">Patlander.</font></p> + +<hr /> + + <blockquote> + <p>"The question which arises in the mind of the writer is + this:—'Is Salicylic Aldehyde<br /> + "C<sub>6</sub>H<sub>4</sub>(OH)COH orthohydroxybenzaldehyde"<br /> the + cause of the trouble?'"—<i>The Fruit-Grower.</i></p> + + </blockquote> + <p>It must be a dreadful thing to have a mind like that.</p> + +<hr /> + + <div class="figcenter" style="width:100%;"> + <a href="images/292.png"><img width="100%" src="images/292.png" + alt="" /></a> + <h3>MANNERS AND MODES.</h3> + + <p class="center">THEN AND NOW.</p> + + <p>[<i>From an Early-Victorian pocket "Etiquette for + Gentlemen."</i>—"During the morning hours a gentleman visitor who + neither shoots, reads, writes letters nor does anything but idle about + the house and chat with the ladies is an intolerable nuisance. Sooner + than become the latter he had better retire to the billiard-room and + practise cannons by himself."]</p> + </div> +<hr /> + +<h2>TELEPHONE TACTICS.</h2> + + <p>It is now some months since the great autumn offensive was conducted + with the idea of biting off an awkward salient in my + circumstances—in brief, of obtaining the necessary telephone to + enable me to commence an ordered existence. For many, many days my voice + had been unheard crying in the wilderness that I was a poor demobilised + soldier, that I had once had a telephone and had given it up at my + country's call, and please couldn't they give me back even my old, old + telephone again? I have already told how in response to these very human + appeals I at length got only a request for the balance due for calls for + 1914. My old friend Time, however, worked his proverbial wonders and one + day a telephone came—phit! like that.</p> + + <p>Directly it had come I suspected a trap somewhere. Nor were my friends + behindhand in telling me of the horrors of gigantic and inexorable bills + from which there was no appeal. They said I must have a coin-box. + Excellent idea! I would have a coin-box.</p> + + <p>So the great Spring offensive began. In early February I opened a + strong barrage upon the main headquarters (how lovingly these ancient + military metaphors come back to one!) and kept up a little light + harassing fire upon the District Agent. The enemy replied with rigid + uniformity upon printed forms—a mean advantage, for I have to type + mine myself. But matters progressed. At the end of the first fortnight I + had been advised that the work of installing my coin-box had been + entrusted to no fewer than three groups of engineers, "to whom you should + refer in all cases."</p> + + <p>Well, I "referred" for some little time, and then, after a decent + interval, made their acquaintance separately. If anything was calculated + to bring back memories of the lighter side of the War it was the gracious + and suave manner in which I despatched and redespatched to other + departments. I might have been the buffest of buff slips the way I was + "passed to you, please."</p> + + <p>Once again I cancelled all my work in the pursuit of where the rainbow + ends. Nor was this renunciation any great hardship, for I had been + writing a book about the Realities of War, and had just found that all + the horrors that ever might have happened had already been set down by + one who saw most of the game, being an onlooker. "But this," I said, as I + set out every morning—"this is the life, pure adventure in every + moment of it."</p> + + <p>My efforts were rewarded. In late <span class="pagenum"><a + name="page308" id="page308"></a>[pg 308]</span> February three people + came and left three coin-boxes—in pieces. Then I must admit that I + did a foolish thing. I wrote and said that I only wanted one box. I was + afraid that if I kept them all it would be, a case of "Thr-r-ree pennies, + please," instead of one. (Mine is a penny district).</p> + + <p>It annoyed them all. They came and took all the boxes away + again—jealousy, I suppose. So at the end of February I was back in + my old trenches again and visitors were still saying, "Oh, <i>do</i> you + mind if I ring up So-and-so?" and I was listening to myself answering, + "Oh, <i>do</i>. No, of <i>course</i> don't bother about the twopence" + (visitors always want calls just outside the radius; I do myself).</p> + + <p>The crisis came in March. It was then that I joined the criminal + classes. For many days I had haunted the telephone dump, taking a + melancholy pleasure in watching real engineers come out with real + coin-boxes for other people. No Peri at the golden gate ever looked more + wistful. I know now that it is opportunity that makes the criminal, and + one day the opportunity came. It came in the form of a young and + evidently new hand, who emerged from the dump and pitched upon + me—me of all people—to ask, "Can you tell me where this place + is?" As he spoke he began to get out a slip with the address, and in that + moment my fate was sealed. One glance showed me that he was the bearer of + a perfectly good coin-box, and in a second I had seized the + opportunity.</p> + + <p>What he said I have not the slightest idea and it wouldn't have + mattered what the address had been; before he started I had assured him + that by a curious coincidence I was going to that very place, and that by + a still more curious coincidence I was the very man who wanted that + coin-box. Curious, wasn't it, how such coincidences happened in real life + as well as in books?</p> + + <p>I took him to my home in a taxi. On the way I succeeded in diverting + his mind from any possible awkward questions by relating details of my + sad story until I could see the poor fellow was on the verge of tears. + For those interested in criminology I may say that all the best criminal + devices are not necessarily planned beforehand to the end; they are begun + any-old-how and the genius consists in carrying the thing through + afterwards, much the same as running a great war. I recked not what might + occur after I had nefariously induced the poor innocent to install the + machine; perhaps I had some vague idea that the Englishman's house is his + castle, though this seems ridiculous when considered calmly. However, + what matter these psychological dissections? He came with me + unsuspecting, and I piloted him out of the taxi without his ever noticing + the name of the street even. How could I have foreseen? Well, anyhow I + didn't, or I shouldn't have tipped him on the stairs.</p> + + <p>With many nods and winks I gave my wife the hint how I had managed it, + and we went about the house whispering and hobnobbing in odd corners like + a couple of conspirators while he began the work of installation.</p> + + <p>Then the first dreadful moment came. Suddenly he addressed me by my + name, with a certain suspicious interrogation in his tone.</p> + + <p>"Who?" I asked blandly, going as red as a turkey-cock, of course; I + never can help it.</p> + + <p>He looked surprised and I plunged heavily, giving the first name I + could think of, which happened to be the one he had mentioned in the + taxi—his own, in fact. He looked still more suspicious and I knew + it had been a mistake, especially as close to where he had been working + were two envelopes addressed to me. I am certain that if my wife had not + called me at that moment I should have gone permanently purple all + over.</p> + + <p>When I got back (I tried to get my wife to go, but she said she would + rather I went, and that I wasn't really as red as I felt)—when I + got back I <span class="pagenum"><a name="page309" id="page309"></a>[pg + 309]</span> could see that it had dawned upon him that I had wheedled him + there without his knowing exactly where he was, and that he was + determined not to be had. He asked me to sign for the installation.</p> + + <p>Alas, I could not do that. It was only then that I realised that I am + constitutionally honest; besides they might find me out.</p> + + <p>We both tried to turn his thoughts to pleasanter topics. Perhaps + asking him to have a glass of port was a mistake there are times when + even bribery is bad policy. Briefly, after a mumbled remark that "there + was something fishy," he refused to leave the box. Dry-eyed we watched + him take it all down and depart in a dudgeon. We were left with a vision + of shameless visitors with their twopenny calls and interminable bills + running up even while we were away on our holidays.</p> + + <p>"Let us," I said hoarsely—"let us go and look at our child; she + is all we have left now."</p> + + <p>Moodily we turned to go upstairs. In the hall we stopped dead. Upon + the floor was the wretched paper which my Victorian conscience and my + twentieth-century caution had prevented me from signing.</p> + + <p>"He must," said my wife with her usual perspicacity, "have dropped it + on his way out. Let's see who the box was really meant for."</p> + + <p>Picking it up I read aloud in cold firm tones <i>my own name and + address</i>. The box had been meant for us after all.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + + <p>We got it in the end. It came one morning, like the flowers in Spring, + quite suddenly, and we spent a whole day telephoning to our friends to + tell them we had a coin-box at last. I also wrote a letter full of + gratitude to the telephone people and got the reply that, "owing to the + shortage of plant, etc.," they regretted that for the time being they + could not grant my request for a telephone.</p> + + <p>We did not tell them that we had had one for three months; Heaven + knows what would have happened.</p> + + <p>And we are left in peace—now that our visitors have heard that + we have a coin-box.</p> + +<p class="author">L.</p> + +<hr /> + + <div class="figcenter" style="width:100%;"> + <a href="images/293.png"><img width="100%" src="images/293.png" + alt="" /></a> + <h3>THE PIONEERS.</h3> + + <p class="center">SUPPOSED ORIGIN OF UNDERGROUND TACTICS.</p> + </div> +<hr /> + +<h3>TWO "STEIN"-WAY GRANDS.</h3> + +<p class="center"><font class="sc">By a Philistine</font>.</p> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p><font class="sc">Einstein</font> and <font class="sc">Epstein</font> were wonderful men,</p> + <p>Bringing new miracles into our ken.</p> + <p><font class="sc">Einstein</font> upset the Newtonian rule;</p> + <p><font class="sc">Epstein</font> demolished the Pheidian School.</p> + <p><font class="sc">Einstein</font> gave fits to the Royal Society;</p> + <p><font class="sc">Epstein</font> delighted in loud notoriety.</p> + <p><font class="sc">Einstein</font> made parallels meet in infinity;</p> + <p><font class="sc">Epstein</font> remodelled the form of Divinity.</p> + <p>Nature exhausted, I hopefully sing,</p> + <p>Can't have more Steins of this sort in her sling.</p> + </div> + </div> + +<hr /> + + <div class="figcenter" style="width:100%;"> + <a href="images/294.png"><img width="100%" src="images/294.png" + alt="" /></a> + <p><i>Mrs. Faulkner</i> (<i>to District Visitor</i>). "<font + class="sc">Nicely, thank you, Miss, except for a poisoned 'and. For the + rest of 'em, Father's in hospital, little Florrie's scalded herself and + baby's got the whooping-cough. It be a blessing that troubles don't + come singly or else there'd be no end to it.</font>"</p> + </div> +<hr /> + + <blockquote> + <p>"Disputing Sergt. Alvan C. York's claim as the world war's greatest + hero, Sergt. Mike Donaldson of New York has challenged the Tennessean to + a debate on who is the greatest war hero."—<i>New Haven + Journal-Courier (U.S.A.)</i></p> + + </blockquote> + <p>Without waiting for the result of this unique contest Mr. Punch has no + hesitation in saying that between them these warriors are responsible for + the mightiest "blow" of the War.</p> + +<hr /> + +<span class="pagenum"><a name="page310" id="page310"></a>[pg 310]</span> + + <div class="figcenter" style="width:100%;"> + <a href="images/295.png"><img width="100%" src="images/295.png" + alt="" /></a> + <i>The Colonel</i> (<i>at the end of his vocabulary</i>). "<font + class="sc"><i>What</i> did Lord Fisher say in 1919</font>?" + </div> +<hr /> + +<h2>FROM THE DANCE WORLD.</h2> + +<p class="center">(<i>By our Ballet Expert.</i>)</p> + + <p><i>The Daily Graphic</i> announces that Mr. <font class="sc">Arnold + Bennett</font> has "fallen a willing victim to the latest fashionable + dances," and is having lessons in them "in the privacy of his Hanover + Square home." A thousand entrancing possibilities are opened up by this + bald announcement. We are content to supplement it by a few authentic + details.</p> + + <p>Mr. <font class="sc">Bennett</font>, who does nothing by halves, has + mapped out a programme which will occupy his energies for at least two + years. First comes the period of pupilship, which will last for six + months. Then a year on the stage; then six months devoted to the + composition of three novels and three plays, each with a Terpsichorean + motive. Already, while engaged on his daily exercises, Mr. <font + class="sc">Bennett</font> has found time to revise the titles of some of + his earlier works in keeping with his present aims, and two of these have + now been appropriately rechristened <i>Anna Pavlova of the Five Towns</i> + and <i>Helen of the High Kick</i>.</p> + + <p>In the actual technique of his adopted art Mr. <font + class="sc">Bennett</font> has already shown extraordinary progress. The + other day, while a wedding party was just about to leave St. George's, + Hanover Square, Mr. <font class="sc">Bennett</font>, who happened to be + passing by, took a flying caracole clean over the Rolls-Royce which + contained the happy pair. Those who witnessed the feat say that it + eclipsed <font class="sc">Nijinsky</font> in his most elastic mood. But + Mr. <font class="sc">Bennett</font> is not satisfied, and declined an + invitation to appear at the Devonshire House Ball last week on the ground + that his achievement does not yet square with his ambition. Moreover he + has decided not to dance in public under his real name, but is not yet + quite certain whether to choose the artistic pseudonym of Ben Netsky or + Cinquecittŕ—probably the latter.</p> + + <p>Above all he is firmly resolved to preserve in his dancing the + sympathetic and humanistic tone of his presentation of life in his books. + It will be a message of hope. He is determined by his gestural artistry + and resilient thistle-downiness to "sanction and fortify the natural + human passion for believing that life can somehow, behind all the + miseries and the mysteries, mean something profoundly worth while." To + render justice to his mental and physical agility is beyond our + powers.</p> + + <p>We have been driven to culling this memorable sentence from the latest + and most preternaturally precious of his American admirers.</p> + + <p>It is only fair to say that as a dancing fictionist Mr. <font + class="sc">Bennett</font> will not be allowed to have it entirely his own + way. Rumours are already afloat of the appearance on the boards of + Messrs. <font class="sc">Chesterton</font> and <font + class="sc">Belloc</font>, under the impressive aliases of Campoborgo and + Bellocchio, "the Terrible Tarantulators." This may be only a wild + surmise. There is however strong <i>a priori</i> evidence in support of + the statements that Mr. <font class="sc">Masefield</font> is taking + lessons in the Fox Trot at Boar's Hill, and that Lord Northsquith is + bringing back with him from Morocco a powerful troupe of Dancing + Dervishes, with the intention of installing them ultimately in Downing + Street.</p> + +<hr /> + +<h4>Our Literary Legislators.</h4> + + <blockquote> +<p class="center">"AN IMPERIAL POLICY.</p> + +<p class="center">(By Mr. <font class="sc">Alfred Bigland, M.P.</font>)</p> + + <p>May I commence my argument by a well-known quotation from Shakespeare, + 'He knows not England who only England knows'?"—<i>Liverpool + Paper</i>.</p> + + </blockquote> +<hr /> + + <blockquote> +<p class="center">"SITUATIONS OPEN.</p> + +<p class="center">(<font class="sc">Colonial, Indian and Foreign.</font>)</p> + + <p><font class="sc">Ireland</font>.—Invoice Clerk required by + leading firm of Wholesale Druggists in Ireland."—<i>Trade + Paper.</i></p> + + </blockquote> + <p>Dominion Home Rule casts its shadow before.</p> + +<hr /> + + <blockquote> + <p>"The decree of the Archbishop of Canterbury for the creation of a + separate Providence of Wales was read."—<i>Scotch Paper.</i></p> + + </blockquote> + <p>What's wrong with Mr. <font class="sc">Lloyd George</font>?</p> + +<hr /> + +<span class="pagenum"><a name="page311" id="page311"></a>[pg 311]</span> + + <div class="figcenter" style="width:100%;"> + <a href="images/296.png"><img width="100%" src="images/296.png" + alt="" /></a> + <h3>RESTORING THE BALANCE.</h3> + + <p><font class="sc">Voice from Audience</font>: "IT'S A TRICK!"</p> + + <p><font class="sc">Performer</font>: "OF COURSE IT'S A TRICK! THE + POINT IS THAT IT HASN'T BEEN DONE FOR YEARS AND YEARS—AND I'LL + TROUBLE YOU TO APPLAUD IT."</p> + </div> +<hr /> + +<span class="pagenum"><a name="page313" id="page313"></a>[pg 313]</span> + +<h2>ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT.</h2> + + <p><i>Monday, April 12th.</i>—Neither Ministers nor ordinary + Members showed any marked eagerness to resume their Parliamentary + labours. Little green oases were to be seen in every part of the House, + and on the Treasury Bench even Under-Secretaries (who often have to + maintain a precarious perch on one another's knees) had room to spread + themselves.</p> + + <p>The Underground Railway may, like Nature, be careless of the + individual, but it is extremely careful of the typewriter, and insists on + making a special charge for this instrument, officially regarded as a + bicycle. But as Sir <font class="sc">Eric Geddes</font> announced that + this extortion, "though legal," was in his opinion "neither just nor + expedient," we may hope that it will shortly be abandoned. The Ministry + of Transport at last seems likely to justify its existence.</p> + + <div class="figright" style="width:33%;"> + <a href="images/297-2.png"><img width="100%" src="images/297-2.png" + alt="" /></a> + "HOT STUFF." + + <p class="center"><font class="sc">Mr. Mills of Dartford</font>.</p> + </div> + <p>Lieut.-Commander <font class="sc">Kenworthy</font> was annoyed to find + that there has been no change during the recess in the regulations + relating to passports, and that they are still not issued to Soviet + Russia. The tone of the Minister's reply rather suggested that the + Government might be disposed to make an exception in favour of the hon. + and gallant Member.</p> + + <p><i>Tuesday, April 13th.</i>—After the official announcement that + the Slough depot had been sold, and the chorus of satisfaction in the + Press that the Government had disposed of its white elephant at a profit, + Mr. <font class="sc">Hogge</font> was disappointed to learn that, though + the heads of agreement were being discussed, no contract had yet been + signed. He was indeed rather surprised that the Government should think + of parting at all with what the <font class="sc">Leader of the + House</font> had assured them was going to be "a dripping roast for the + taxpayer." Mr. <font class="sc">Law</font> smilingly disclaimed the + coinage of this appetising phrase.</p> + + <p>Mr. <font class="sc">Mills</font>, the new Member for Dartford, is + credited with being "very hot stuff" (a cadet, I am told, of the + <i>Moulin Rouge</i> family), but he looked much too trim and spruce for a + real revolutionary as he walked up, amid the plaudits of his Labour + colleagues, to take the oath and his seat. In fact Mr. <font + class="sc">Greenwood</font>, the new Coalition-Unionist Member for + Stockport, who followed him, has much more the air of an <i>homme du + peuple</i>. As for Mr. <font class="sc">Fildes</font>, his + Coalition-Liberal colleague, I don't wonder that Stockport favoured a + candidate whose genial countenance so strongly resembles that of Mr. + Punch.</p> + +<br clear="all" /> + + <div class="figright" style="width:50%;"> + <a href="images/297-1.png"><img width="100%" src="images/297-1.png" + alt="" /></a> + MR. PUNCH GREETS HIS DOUBLE. + + <p class="center"><font class="sc">Mr. Fildes of Stockport</font>.</p> + </div> + <p>The debate on the Civil Service Estimates furnished Mr. <font + class="sc">Hopkins</font> with an opportunity of delivering an appeal, + doubtless cogent but mainly inaudible, for the restoration of the + exchange value of the pound sterling. Mr. <font class="sc">A.M. + Samuel</font>, on the other hand, was more audible than orthodox. At + least it rather shocked me to be told that we were getting too much for + the pound before the War. Mr. <font class="sc">Baldwin</font>, for the + Government, made a speech so full of sound commonsense that Sir <font + class="sc">Frederick Banbury</font> hoped he would send a special copy of + it to San Remo for the edification of the <font class="sc">Prime + Minister</font>.</p> + + <p>The rest of the evening was mainly taken up with the case of the Irish + hunger-strikers. Mr. <font class="sc">Bonar Law</font> was at first very + stiff in his attitude, pointing out quite reasonably that if the + Government found it necessary to intern people suspected of crime it was + absurd to let them out again because they threatened to commit suicide. + Several Members, English as well as Irish, thought that there was a case + for differentiating between convicted prisoners and those who were merely + under suspicion, and on the adjournment the Irish Attorney-General a + little relieved the prevailing gloom by a hint that some modification of + the prison-rules might be made on these lines.</p> + + <p><i>Wednesday, April 14th.</i>—The <font class="sc">Minister of + Health</font> announced with some pride that under the Housing Acts + passed last year no fewer than 1,346 dwellings had actually been + completed, and twelve thousand more were in various stages of + construction. But he showed no enthusiasm for the suggestion that be + should extend the benefits of the Acts to others besides the "working + classes," and flatly declined to attempt a definition of that ambiguous + term. It is believed, <span class="pagenum"><a name="page314" + id="page314"></a>[pg 314]</span> however, that recent experience has + convinced him that builders in general and bricklayers in particular + cannot properly be so described.</p> + + <p>Mr. <font class="sc">Rendall's</font> attempt to get the House to + pledge itself in advance to the full policy of Lord <font + class="sc">Buckmaster's</font> Divorce Bill was defeated. The main + opposition came from Mr. <font class="sc">Ronald McNeill</font>, who sits + for Canterbury and spoke with cathedral solemnity. Mr. <font + class="sc">Munro</font> supported the Resolution, on the ground that + Englishwomen ought not to be refused the advantages enjoyed by their + Scotch sisters. Marriage in Scotland appears to resemble + Glasgow—there are great facilities for getting away from it. But + Lady <font class="sc">Astor</font>, hailing from a land where they are + even greater, displayed no desire to jump to conclusions, and asked for + an interval of five or ten years to make up her mind.</p> + + <div class="figright" style="width:33%;"> + <a href="images/297-3.png"><img width="100%" src="images/297-3.png" + alt="" /></a> + AN EX-ADMIRALTY CRICHTON. + + <p class="center"><font class="sc">Dr. Macnamara effects a labour + exchange</font>.</p> + </div> + <p>If the cheers that greeted Mr. <font class="sc">Macpherson</font> were + meant to console him for his "Irishman's rise" in slipping down from the + Chief Secretaryship to the Ministry of Pensions, they were assuredly + superfluous. The supposed victim was obviously delighted to be rid of the + responsibility for a policy which seems to grow more tangled every day. + Only on Tuesday Mr. <font class="sc">Bonar Law</font> was assuring the + House that the Mountjoy hunger-strikers must be left to commit suicide if + they chose; the Government could not release men suspected of grave + crimes. This afternoon he announced that sixty-six of them had in fact + been liberated on parole.</p> + + <p>The new Minister of Labour (late of the Admiralty) came on board + again, looking none the worse for his strenuous exertions at Camberwell. + He had a hearty welcome from all quarters of the House, which would + hardly know itself without its "Dr. <font class="sc">Mac</font>."</p> + + <p>It is one thing to gain a seat in the House, but quite another thing + to keep it, as Sir <font class="sc">W. Joynson-Hicks</font> has just + discovered. Returning from a prolonged tour in foreign parts he found + that his favourite corner-seat had been annexed by another Member. + Determined to reclaim it, he visited the House at 8 <font + class="sc">a.m.</font> and inserted his card; but on coming back to the + House for prayers found that the usurper had substituted her own. Mr. + <font class="sc">T.P. O'Connor</font>, with old-world chivalry, + considered that the only lady-Member should be allowed to sit where she + pleased; but the <font class="sc">Speaker</font> upheld the principle + "first come, first served."</p> + + <p>On a Vote of twenty-seven millions for the expenses of the Ministry of + Munitions Mr. <font class="sc">Hope</font> told a flattering tale. The + Department might be spending a lot of money, but it was making a great + deal more; and he anticipated that the Disposals Board would hand over to + the Exchequer this year something like a hundred millions, if not more. + The Slough Depôt, he maintained, had been run at a profit and sold at a + profit. The Ministry might have made some mistakes, but it represented a + prodigious national effort, of which the historian would speak with + amazement and praise.</p> + + <p>Unimpressed by this panegyric Sir <font class="sc">Donald + Maclean</font> intimated that he came to bury the Ministry and not to + praise it. In his view its administration had been grossly extravagant. + He demanded the full details of the Slough transaction and suggested that + the Vote should be withdrawn until they were forthcoming. To this + proposal Mr. <font class="sc">Hope</font>, with more humility than I + should have expected after the optimism of his earlier speech, ultimately + agreed.</p> + +<hr /> + + <div class="figcenter" style="width:100%;"> + <a href="images/298.png"><img width="100%" src="images/298.png" + alt="" /></a> + <div class="i16"> + <p><i>Our Animal Artist.</i> "<font class="sc">Those chickens I bought + off you are no good to me</font>."</p> + + <p><i>Farmer.</i> "<font class="sc">No good, Sir? What's wrong wi' + 'em</font>?"</p> + + <p><i>Our Animal Artist.</i> "<font class="sc">They've got no + expression</font>."</p> + </div> + </div> +<hr /> + +<span class="pagenum"><a name="page315" id="page315"></a>[pg 315]</span> + +<h3>THE LAND OF LOGIC.</h3> + + <p>Let me tell you about my Nationalist friend, Gabal Osman Effendi.</p> + + <p>The circumstances of his brother's death, which were as follows, drove + him into politics and made him a fervent advocate of "Egypt for the + Egyptians."</p> + + <p>His brother was in a very humble way and lived in a little mud + village. There he had a friend, yet poorer than himself, who only + attained to prosperity when a plague fell on the village. The sanitary + authorities put a cordon around it to prevent the spread of the plague, + and hired this man among others to throw disinfectants and things into + any drains that happened to exist. Thus Osman Effendi's brother's friend + became a Government servant.</p> + + <p>Now Osman Effendi's brother had a sore leg. When he heard of his + friend's new work he thought he saw a way to avoid any doctor's fees. So + he went to him and said, "I hear that you are now a doctor." His friend, + proud but truthful, said he was perhaps hardly that, but he was certainly + put to administer drugs. Osman's brother pointed out that his leg was + sore and suggested that it should be healed. The other looked doubtful, + then produced a lump of his disinfectant. "This," said he, "is a powerful + drug and, who knows? it may cure your leg." It was a friendly act; but + Osman's brother swallowed the lump and shortly afterwards died.</p> + + <p>Osman Effendi at once brought an action for damages against the + Government, on the ground that its servant had caused the death of his + brother (whom, as a matter of fact, he himself had largely supported). + The case was heard by a Court on which sat two Egyptian judges and one + English, and the decision went against Osman. This convinced him of the + injustice of the English.</p> + + <p>The Assize Court of Appeal, which visited the district and heard Osman + Effendi's appeal against the first verdict, consisted of three Egyptian + judges. It is true that the English judge who should have gone on Assize + had fallen ill, and there was no other to take his place. But Osman + Effendi saw in this too the malevolent hand of the English, who nourished + a grudge against him. "How," he said, "can I obtain justice if there is + no Englishman on the Court?"</p> + + <p>From that moment he has become an ultra-Nationalist, and has, I + believe, been seen in the streets of Cairo shouting with the best of them + the latest "English" catchword of "Long Live Egypt! Long Die <font + class="sc">Milner</font>!"</p> + + <p>He is, you see, an educated man.</p> + +<hr /> + + <div class="figcenter" style="width:100%;"> + <a href="images/299.png"><img width="100%" src="images/299.png" + alt="" /></a> + <p><i>Editor (to poet of somewhat dissolute habits who has been paid in + advance for contributions which are not forthcoming).</i> "<font + class="sc">I know you're going to the devil as hard as you can; but + you've got to sing as you go.</font>"</p> + </div> +<hr /> + +<h4>Consolidating the Empire.</h4> + + <blockquote> + <p>"In honour of the visit to Napier of the Prince of Wales the roof of + the Borough Council offices is to be given a coat of paint."—<i>New + Zealand Paper.</i></p> + + </blockquote> +<hr /> + +<p class="center">"PERSONAL.</p> + + <blockquote> + <p><font class="sc">Arthur</font>.—You + idiot.—Irene."—<i>Times.</i></p> + + </blockquote> + <p>Very "personal," we should say.</p> + +<hr /> + + <blockquote> + <p>"Sir Auckland and Lady Geddes left London last Saturday for the Untied + States."—<i>Irish Paper.</i></p> + + </blockquote> + <p>It is only fair to add that they have not chosen this country for the + sake of its easy Divorce Laws.</p> + +<hr /> + + <blockquote> + <p>"Major. Christopher Lowther (CUCumberland, North) moved a new + clause."—<i>Provincial Paper.</i></p> + + </blockquote> + <p>It was somewhere in this neighbourhood, we believe, that <font + class="sc">Wordsworth</font> discovered his "winsome marrow."</p> + +<hr /> + + <blockquote> + <p>"Though to-day is Primrose Day...."—<i>Daily Mirror, April + 12th.</i></p> + + </blockquote> + <p>At the risk of being thought behind the times, we ourselves deferred + our celebration until April 19th as usual.</p> + +<hr /> + +<span class="pagenum"><a name="page316" id="page316"></a>[pg 316]</span> + + <div class="figcenter" style="width:50%;"> + <a href="images/300.png"><img width="100%" src="images/300.png" + alt="" /></a> + <font class="sc">"You settle with him. You're chairman of the + Anti-Profiteering Committee."</font> + </div> +<hr /> + +<h2>AT THE PLAY.</h2> + +<p class="center">"<font class="sc">Birds of a Feather</font>."</p> + + <p>It is nearly always a good thing for the author of a play to know what + he is after, and if he can get his audience to follow him so much the + better. It is quite possible that Mr. <font class="sc">Esmond</font> had + an idea in his head when he wrote <i>Birds of a Feather</i>, but if so he + never let me get at it. Up to the very end I had no conception of what he + was trying to illustrate, unless it was the trite theory that we are the + creatures of our environment.</p> + + <p>That, at any rate, was how <i>Constance</i> (of "the House of + <i>Ussher</i>") explained her vagaries, though I couldn't see why. The + daughter of a very rich Jew, whose Christian wife had run away from him, + she was brought up in great comfort, which included the love of a peer's + son, her father's secretary. It is true that her stern parent would not + hear of their union; but that has no doubt happened to young heiresses + before now without turning them into criminals. With <i>Constance</i> + however it seems to have been different. She had gathered from what she + knew of her father's career that there must be easy ways of making money + if you are not too scrupulous, so she forged his name for a thousand + pounds with speculative intent. It was open to the old man to regard this + as an act of filial piety, since it was an attempt, however crude, to + follow the parental tradition; but apparently forgery had not been one of + his foibles and he threatened her with the law unless she gave up the + idea of marrying the secretary, now dismissed from his service.</p> + + <p>Meanwhile she has been carrying on a secret intrigue with that + gentleman (she must have got this from her "Christian" mother), and when + her father comes to know of it he suddenly exhibits an unsuspected gift + of sentimentality ("My baby Con! my baby Con!" he sobs), and, in terror + lest his ewe-lamb's name should be tainted by the breath of scandal, he + offers his late secretary a heavy sum of money to make an honest woman of + her. It sounds a little inconsistent, but of course there may have been a + nice differentiation in the old rogue's mind between a moral and a + criminal offence, in favour of the latter.</p> + + <p>As for <i>Constance</i> I have seldom met a less seizable character. + If she was the result of environment there was no visible sign to show + how it infected her. We simply had to take Mr. <font + class="sc">Esmond's</font> word for it. To me the ménage seemed to be of + the most respectable. But, of course, you can always attribute anything + to your surroundings. One environment is vicious and so drives you to + vice; another is virtuous with the same effect. <i>Constance</i> might + condemn hers, but it never had a chance with a girl like that.</p> + + <p>For myself it was not her viciousness that worried me, it was her + vulgarity; and of this she seemed quite unconscious. Her speech abounded + in second-rate colloquialisms. Was it her environment that taught her to + say dreadful things like "Put that in your pipe and smoke it"? The cheap + fun that she got out of a girl-friend who had made it a rule to pray for + her was the kind of thing you would be sorry to find in a common + boarding-school. And are gentlefolk in the habit of asking a man, as + <i>Constance</i> did, how it was that he ever came to get engaged to such + a woman as the one of his choice? In Bayswater it simply isn't done.</p> + + <p>At the end of the First Act, after many trivialities and the waste of + precious time over a description of certain characters that were + presently to appear and endorse it, there was a sudden diversion. The + professional card of a private detective was discovered in an arm-chair. + No one seemed to know how it got there, and, as the curtain chose this + moment to fall, we were left in a state of palpitation, wondering how we + were to get through the interval with our curiosity unappeased. + Ultimately it turned out that the detective was to be employed by <i>Miss + Ussher</i> (aunt) to verify her suspicions with regard to the morals of + <i>Constance</i>. But I shall never get you to believe me when I say that + the subject was not so much as touched again till the final Act.</p> + + <p>I have spoken of the incongruous stuff of which old <i>Jacob + Ussher's</i> heart was constructed. That strange organ was hard enough to + make him give his daughter away to his secretary in the matter of the + forgery; but when it came to a question of the exposure of her relations + with her lover this same heart was found to be of the consistency of + putty.</p> + + <p>I hope I shall not seem guilty of <i>Constance's</i> indiscretion if I + politely wonder how it was that so astute a judge as Miss <font + class="sc">Marie Löhr</font> accepted this play. Actor-managers, of + course, have been known to produce indifferent work for the sake of a + good acting part for themselves. If that was her motive I think she must + have imagined a fine subtlety in a character which was difficult only + because it was loosely conceived. If she failed to make it plausible it + was not for want of very adroit handling.</p> + + <p>In <i>Jacob Ussher</i> Mr. <font class="sc">Esmond</font> gave himself + a most congenial part, in which he easily surpassed his achievement as + author. Mr. <font class="sc">Tozer</font> as a slum-parson was extremely + probable with his quiet sincerity. But our chief consolation came from + Miss <font class="sc">Rachel de Solla</font> as the maiden aunt, a + reactionary type of the most confirmed stolidity, with a weakness for + diamonds and indigestion. Miss <font class="sc">Marie Löhr</font> had + many clever things to say, but it didn't matter what Miss <font + class="sc">de Solla</font> said; her manner was irresistible.</p> + + <p>I must doubt, however, whether the excellent work of the actors will + carry the play to success. Even its title is obscure. The only thing I + know about "birds of a feather" is that they are supposed to "flock + together"; and I have always been given to understand that the adage + alludes to the mutual attraction of similar types. Nobody ever told me + that it was meant to indicate that the sins of the father bird are liable + to be reproduced in his chicken,</p> + +<p class="center"><font class="sc">Anna Pavlova</font>.</p> + + <p>She hasn't changed at all. Many Russian dancers have come and gone + since last she was with us, but there is <span class="pagenum"><a + name="page317" id="page317"></a>[pg 317]</span> still none like her, + none. Her perfect technique remains the least of her graces. The secret + of her charm lies deeper, in the power to interpret and convey emotions + in the language of her art. To watch her feet alone is to hear the + shuddering sigh of her Dying Swan, but her whole body is alert to + translate every nuance of her theme.</p> + + <p>She can draw beauty even from an anticlimax. Again and again in + <i>Snowflakes</i>, when her partner withdrew the support of his hand, she + poised for a moment, and, when the poise had to cease, covered her + descent with the most fascinating gestures of head and arms.</p> + + <p>I liked her least (if one may talk of her like that) as the gipsy-girl + in <i>Amarilla</i>; not that she failed in dramatic intensity but that + jealous passion seems alien to her temperament as we have learned to know + it. I think, however, that my judgment was tainted by her wig, which + greatly distressed me.</p> + + <p>In <font class="sc">M. Volinine</font> she has a very accomplished + partner. His solo as a <i>Pierrot</i>, danced to a familiar air of <font + class="sc">Dvorák's</font>, was the most delightful of + "<i>divertissements</i>." Her other dancers, Russian and English, make up + a really excellent company. The <i>presto furioso</i> of the wild gipsy + dance in <i>Amarilla</i>, to the exciting music of <font + class="sc">Glozounow</font> and <font class="sc">Drigo</font>, was a + brilliant <i>tour de force</i>.</p> + + <p>My only complaint (apart from <i>Amarilla's</i> wig) is that the + programme's explanation of the motive of <i>Snowflakes</i> was beyond me. + "A little girl," it says, "receives as a present a nut-cracker in the + form of a doll. The doll is in reality a Prince who has been transformed + by a bad fairy, but by an act of devotion to the little girl he is + restored to life. He then leads his little friend and other children to + the Kingdom of Pine-trees where the Christmas-tree was born." It is true + that the music was from <font class="sc">Tschaikowski's</font> + "Casse-Noisettes," and that the snow-scene was suggestive of + Christmas-time; but there was no sign of a "nut-cracker in the form of a + doll," or, if there was, I can't think how it escaped me, for I was + watching with all my eyes.</p> + +<p class="author">O.S.</p> + +<hr /> + + <div class="figcenter" style="width:100%;"> + <a href="images/301.png"><img width="100%" src="images/301.png" + alt="" /></a> + <h3>THE LANGUAGE OF LOVE.</h3> + + <p class="center"><i>Schoolboy</i> (<i>after long pause</i>). "<font + class="sc">I say—er—can you move your ears</font>?"</p> + </div> +<hr /> + + <blockquote> + <p>"Chaplain-Master Wanted on May 13th for one term to Teach Latin and + History in Upper School, coloris paribus a cricketer would be most + acceptable."—<i>Provincial Paper.</i></p> + + </blockquote> + <p>"<i>Coloris paribus</i>" suggests faintly that the authorities hope to + get a double-blue; but it looks as if he would have to spend most of the + term in teaching Latin.</p> + +<hr /> + +<h3>BIRD CALLS.</h3> + +<p class="center">I.</p> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>The lark he trills his song on high,</p> + <p>A tiny speck on a wide blue sky;</p> + <p>"Tira-lir, it's sweet up here,</p> + <p>It's sweet up here, my dear, my dear."</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>The turtle-dove's in love and so</p> + <p>Is anxious all his world should know</p> + <p>And follow his example too:—</p> + <p>"Look at us two. Oh do, oh do."</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Woodpeckers make their thirsty cry</p> + <p>Of "Pluie, pluie, pluie," to a sunlit sky;</p> + <p>But sure enough they have their way</p> + <p>For rain, rain, rain will fall next day.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>The blackbird also craves a boon,</p> + <p>Says "Bring a cherry, bring a cherry, soon, soon, soon;"</p> + <p>And there in answer to his call</p> + <p>The cherry blooms on the garden wall.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>The thrush of all the birds that sing</p> + <p>Of nests and little wives in Spring</p> + <p>Alone confides the secret way:—</p> + <p>"What does she <i>line</i> it with? Why, clay."</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>The willow wren she sings a song</p> + <p>Just like her mate, though not so long,</p> + <p>But both sing in all winds and weathers,</p> + <p>"Sing to me; bring to me little brown feathers."</p> + </div> + </div> + +<hr /> + +<span class="pagenum"><a name="page318" id="page318"></a>[pg 318]</span> + +<h2>SPRING AT KEW.</h2> + + <p>I am not one of those who believe in going down to the country to look + at this Spring of which there is so much talk. Wanting in business + organisation and coherent effort, Spring in the country is a poor affair + at the best; there may be half-a-dozen daffodils in flower in one + spinney, but you have to tramp over two or three muddy fields after that + to find a button-hole of primroses, and so onwards over a stile and a + ditch to the place where the blackthorn has blossomed and the green + woodpecker is pecking the greenwood tree.</p> + + <p>And very likely there are gates. Judging from statements in novels you + might suppose a gate to be a bright and simple piece of mechanism, swung + on by rosy-cheeked children and easily opened by Lord Hugo with his + riding-crop so that Lady Hermione may jog through it on her practically + priceless bay. That is quite wrong. It rests on the primary fallacy that + gates are meant to be opened, whereas they are really meant to be kept + shut. What actually happens when you want to open one is that you plunge + halfway through a deep quagmire, climb on to a slippery stone, wrestle + with a piece of hoop-iron, some barbed wire and some pieces of furze, + lift the gate up by the bottom bar and wade through the rest of the + quagmire carrying it on your shoulder.</p> + + <p>If you are riding like Lord Hugo you hook the fastening of the gate + with the handle of your crop and make your horse shunt slowly backwards + by applying the reverse clutch with your feet. As the gate refuses to + give, you are, of course, drawn gently over the animal's head until you + tumble into the bog like a man whose punt-pole is stuck in the bottom of + the stream.</p> + + <p>That is why I like going down to Kew, where the Spring is tidy and + concentrated, and there is a squared map, just like France, at the + turnstile gate to direct you to the magnolia dump, and little notices + pointing you to the Temperate Houses, though this is really unnecessary, + because there are no licensed premises in the Gardens at Kew. All is + quiet and calm. You are not even compelled to leave the gravel-walks and + tread on the damp grass, unless you have a desire to go to the river's + edge and see how stiffly the tail of the Duke of <font + class="sc">Northumberland's</font> stone lion sticks out on the further + bank between the two peel towers from which his crossbowmen contemplate + the Surrey marshes.</p> + + <p>I used to know a man who had mugged up all the trees and plants, so + that when you said to him, "What a funny juniper that is over there, with + blue peach-blossoms on it," he would reply, "You mean the <i>Pyrofoliata + persica corylus</i>," and explain how it was first introduced into + England by <font class="sc">Jeremy Taylor</font> in 1658. Then when you + went up to look at the placard on the tree you not only found that he was + perfectly right, but obtained the additional information that the wood + was of a particularly hard and durable nature, and only used for making + the heads of croquet mallets and the seats on the tops of motor + omnibuses.</p> + + <p>I like this plan of putting placards upon trees, and I think it might + well be carried out in the country too. There would be none of that + standing about in the wet then, and arguing whether the thing is a beech + or an oak, when all the time it is a horse-chestnut and laughing up its + bark at you.</p> + + <p>One must not forget either at Kew the great conservatories, though I + do not care for these so much because there are men in them watching to + see that you do not pick the cactuses or the palms to put in your + button-hole; nor the magnificent Pagoda, which accommodates the + Observator, who watches for the flowers to come out, and the Curator, who + writes appreciative little notices to stick on the beds; nor the piebald + swans in the artificial lake.</p> + + <p>But the great glory of Kew is the Pump-room. It is surrounded by + marble-topped tables and green seats, and I am aware that it is not + called a Pump-room, though a noise proceeds from inside it very like the + panting of a pump. They tell me that this is an hydraulic machine for + washing up the cups and plates; but I do not believe them, because so + many people who take tea round the Pump-room drink left-handed, as if the + reverse side of the cup had belonged to somebody else.</p> + + <p>Anyhow it is a very jolly and democratic assemblage that sits and + drinks tea under the trees and eats cakes that have no placard on them to + say at what date they were introduced into England. Here you may see the + prosperous docker with his wife and family sitting quite unostentatiously + at the next table to the needy scientist who has come to make notes about + the purple narcissi. And a little further on is the novelist who is + getting local colour for his great rustic love-scene which he is going to + say took place in the heart of Devonshire.</p> + + <p>But it was not for the purpose of providing you with tea and cakes + that the Pump-room was founded. Just as you may read in your morning + paper that the Honourable Miss Muffet has proceeded to Harrogate to take + the waters, so it is with Kew. One goes to Kew to take the watercresses. + I have found out by exhaustive inquiries from one of the waitresses that, + though you may substitute rolls and butter for bread and margarine, and + may have marmalade with either or both, and though it is optional to eat + even the cakes with yellow sugar upon them, there is no way of evading + the watercresses. There is a strong feeling amongst the waitresses that + it is just these compulsory watercresses which have made us Englishmen + what we are. The whole vast pleasure-ground really centres round them, + and the reason why Londoners flock (as the papers say) to Kew is that + they are hungry for the medicinal virtues of this aquaceous plant.</p> + + <p>After you have taken the watercresses you are allowed to wander about + the Gardens again and look at <font class="sc">Queen Victoria's</font> + cottage, round which there is always an eager and admiring crowd + examining it from every point of view and wondering what premium they + would have to pay for it if it were on the market now. And then you will + want to go home and be unable to find the gate; but after a little time + the Observator will observe you with his telescope from the top of the + Pagoda and mention it to the Curator, who will direct a bronzed and + amiable man in a blue uniform to lead you to the turnstile.</p> + + <p>I am told that there are some people who do not care to sample their + Spring at Kew or in the country either, but prefer to go to San Remo or + spend Saturday afternoon toiling in their own back-garden. Let them mind + their peas, I say, while I go down to Kew.</p> + +<p class="author"><font class="sc">Evoe.</font></p> + +<hr /> + +<h3>THE CAUTIOUS AMORIST</h3> + +<p class="center">(<i>Showing the effect of official phraseology +on love-letters.</i>)</p> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Dearest Mary, this delay</p> + <p>In the fixing of the day</p> + <p>Drives all happiness away</p> + <p class="i6">From my ken.</p> + <p>If you <i>only</i> will decide</p> + <p>When you'll be my blushing bride</p> + <p>You will see me glorified—</p> + <p class="i6">If and when.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>They have promised me a rise</p> + <p>When the senior partner dies;</p> + <p>He is eighty and he lies</p> + <p class="i6">Very ill;</p> + <p>But until you seal your "Yes"</p> + <p>By a notice in the Press</p> + <p>I shall not feel safe—unless</p> + <p class="i6">And until.</p> + </div> + </div> + +<hr /> + + <blockquote> + <p>"Bicycles of old-fashioned design acquired a new lease of life, and + took to the road, where they were joined by pony traps in which father, + mother and many children, all with crimped hair and white pinafores, were + tightly packed."—<i>Daily Paper</i>.</p> + + </blockquote> + <p>Father, we are told, looked a perfect darling.</p> + +<hr /> + +<span class="pagenum"><a name="page319" id="page319"></a>[pg 319]</span> + + <div class="figcenter" style="width:100%;"> + <a href="images/303.png"><img width="100%" src="images/303.png" + alt="" /></a> + <h3>THE RULING PASSION.</h3> + + <p><i>Absentee.</i> "<font class="sc">I was playing foot-ba' in the + street, and the police took and locked me up for four + hours</font>."</p> + + <p><i>Teacher.</i> "<font class="sc">Did you get anything to + eat?</font>"</p> + + <p><i>Absentee.</i> "<font class="sc">Ay—a hard roll.</font>"</p> + + <p><i>Teacher</i>. "<font class="sc">What did you do with + it?</font>"</p> + + <p><i>Absentee</i>. "<font class="sc">Played foot-ba'.</font>"</p> + </div> +<hr /> + +<h2>OUR BOOKING-OFFICE.</h2> + +<p class="center">(<i>By Mr. Punch's Staff of Learned Clerks.</i>)</p> + + <p>The title, somewhat puzzling at first, which Miss <font + class="sc">F.E. Mills Young</font> has given to her latest story, <i>The + Almonds of Life</i> (<font class="sc">Hodder and Stoughton</font>), turns + out to be based upon a Chinese proverb to the effect that "almonds came + to those who have no teeth." This rather devastating sample of philosophy + (which I have put by for use against the next person who attempts to work + off upon me the adage about those who wait) forms the text of a well-told + tale of misplaced affections. As you may expect, if you know Miss <font + class="sc">Young's</font> former work, it is a South African story, not + concerned however with Boers and natives and the trackless veld, but with + coastwise civilization and suburban garden-parties. As before, the author + excellently conveys the place-feeling, so well indeed that I was sorry + when the love intrigues of the two protagonists necessitated their + quitting Africa for a more conventional Italian setting. I may summarise + the plot by telling you that the particular almond that fell too late to + the heroine was somebody else's husband. But it wasn't so much that she + was unable to eat him as that he proved indigestible when swallowed. The + lady was <i>Gerda</i>, young and dazzling bride of the middle-aged + <i>Fred Wooten</i>, and the gentleman one of her husband's closest + friends, also (before the arrival of <i>Gerda</i>) happily married to a + wife whom I found the most attractive person in the book. I need not + further detail the crooked course of untrue love, though I may hint at a + fault in balance, where your sympathy, previously and rightly enlisted + for poor betrayed <i>Fred</i>, is demanded for <i>Gerda</i> in her + difficulty with the almond. As usual, Miss <font class="sc">Young</font> + unfolds her plot with admirable directness, chiefly through a natural and + unforced dialogue, so easy that it disguises its own art.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + + <p>If any reasonable man still possesses a grain of sympathy with + Bolshevism I invite him to purge himself by reading <i>With the + "Die-Hards" in Siberia</i> (<font class="sc">Cassell</font>). In August, + 1918, Colonel <font class="sc">John Ward</font>, M.P., reached + Vladivostok in command of the 25th Battalion Middlesex Regiment, and from + the time of his arrival until his departure nearly a year later his + position was almost grotesquely difficult. Of our Allies in Siberia and + of their policy he writes with justifiable frankness. Our own is not + excused, but he lets us clearly see that however ineffectual it may have + been there was honesty of purpose underlying it. In the medley of + confusion which prevailed we were lucky to have in Colonel <font + class="sc">Ward</font> as senior British officer a man who was not afraid + to shoulder his responsibility. Under conditions so exasperating that + anyone might have been excused if he had been overwhelmed with anger and + bewilderment he was resolved to uphold our prestige. Upon the Bolshevist + horrors in Siberia he does not dwell, but he says enough in passing to + make one shudder. Colonel <font class="sc">Ward</font> is a true friend + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page320" id="page320"></a>[pg 320]</span> + of Russia. "This great people are bound to recover, and become all the + stronger for their present trials," are the concluding words of his + preface. That this prophecy may come true must be the prayer of all of us + who remember what we owed to Russia during the earlier part of the + War.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + + <p>It was perhaps my misfortune that, not having read the book in which + Mr. <font class="sc">Edgar Rice Burroughs</font> recorded the earlier + adventures of his hero, <i>John Carter</i>, in the red planet Mars, when + that gentleman precipitated himself thither (from the banks of the + Hudson, of all places), I found myself in more senses than one out of my + element. Not that it really matters; since the Martian existence of + <i>Mr. Carter</i> was apparently of that wild and whirling character, + familiar to patrons of the Continuous Programme, in which one thrill + follows upon another so fast that their precise order becomes of small + moment. When I tell you that the opening chapters of this remarkable + nightmare—<i>The Gods of Mars</i> (<font + class="sc">Methuen</font>)—contain monsters with one white eye and + mouths in their hands, flying pirates, an air-ship that sinks down a + volcano, an ageless witch who—but why continue? The publishers call + these happenings "bold;" but this is a pitiful understatement. Really + they are of a character to make the wildest imaginings of <font + class="sc">Jules Verne</font>, friend of my youth, or Mr. <font + class="sc">Wells</font>, companion of my riper years, read like the + peaceful annals of a country rectory. To quote again from the publishers, + "only the man who created <i>Tarzan</i> could write such stories." If + <i>Tarzan</i> were in any way comparable with the present volume, it + would perhaps not be unfair to add the corollary that only those readers + who appreciated the one could swallow the other. Mercifully, Mr. <font + class="sc">Burroughs</font> writes so continually at the top of his voice + that after a time the clatter comes to have an effect merely + soporific.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + + <p>Since Major-General Sir <font class="sc">C.E. Callwell</font> has, in + <i>The Dardanelles</i> (<font class="sc">Constable</font>), added a + volume to a series called <i>Campaigns and Their Lessons</i>, it is clear + that he is writing mainly for military students, but none the less at + least one man in the street—meaning myself—has been glad, + after reading plenty of merely descriptive accounts of the Gallipoli + affair, to find a book that frankly and justifiably does lay claim to + technical proficiency. The exponents of vivid narrative, modestly + disclaiming expert knowledge, have been painfully liable to break off + just short of what one wanted most to know. They told us how things + happened, or, at any rate, how it seemed they happened, but the reason + why of things they had to leave to others. In this book we really do get + at the why, and even more the why not, of the magnificent failure. Of + actual incident and human interest General <font + class="sc">Callwell's</font> account, which in a sense is only + supplementary to the others, adds little to our previous knowledge. The + only point of the sort I picked up is his notice of the characteristic + reluctance shown by Anzacs to report themselves as sick when urged to do + so with a view to the gradual removal of troops without withdrawal of + entire units. It is hardly necessary to add that the author is an old + literary hand, with a pleasantly clear and luminous style of his own, + though one is free to admit he splits his infinitives almost as much as + Sir <font class="sc">Ian Hamilton</font> split his forces, and with less + justification.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + + <p>In the very improving books which I had to read long ago the hero or + heroine usually had a cross to bear. They bore it with great fortitude, + and frequently died young. When therefore I opened Mr. <font + class="sc">Jerome K. Jerome's</font> <i>All Roads Lead to Calvary</i> + (<font class="sc">Hutchinson</font>) I fancied I knew what to expect. I + read that <i>Joan Allway</i> was possessed of remarkable beauty, a + "Stevensonian touch" and suitable introductions to editors and newspaper + proprietors, and that from the pulpit of a column in the evening Press, + with her photograph at the top, she attempted to reform the world. I + don't know how the photograph came out, but there was apparently no + martyrdom so far. Afterwards she began to encourage and inspire <i>Robert + Phillips</i>, a Labour M.P. and future Cabinet Minister, and at the same + time to be kind to and educate <i>Mrs. Phillips</i>, who was + good-natured, vulgar and middle-aged. Falling gradually in love with the + politician, she withdrew only just in time, nursed in a French hospital, + married a journalist friend and settled down happily with him to reform a + little bit of the world at a time, and that the part nearest to hand. And + now I am left wondering what <i>Joan Allway's</i> cross was. Would + avoiding the Divorce Court be counted the roughest path of self-denial in + a moral anecdote of to-day?</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + + <p><i>Running Wild</i> (<font class="sc">Simpkin</font>) is the + expressive title of a collection of child-memories by the late Mr. <font + class="sc">Bertram Smith</font>, whom readers of <i>Punch</i> will + remember by the pseudonym "<font class="sc">Bis</font>." They can here + learn from a sympathetic little introduction by Mr. <font class="sc">Ward + Muir</font> under what conditions of a brave but losing battle with + ill-health this delicate and vivacious work was written. When I say that + these recollections (which I decline to call by any word implying more + artifice) illustrate their author, I give you their measure for honesty + and charm combined. Honesty first of all; Mr. <font + class="sc">Smith's</font> young barbarians running wild and, one + conjectures, rapidly reducing their elders to a like condition, have the + compelling effect of unsentimental truth. Few clouds of glory, for + example, trail about the protagonists of "A Day," a tribute to the joyous + intoxication of a day-long orgie of naughtiness deliberate and wholly + unrepented. You will find much in these pages to waken half-forgotten and + perhaps secret pleasures. Thus there was for me a personal echo in the + rejection as a seaside entertainment of castle-building and the ordered + sequence of the tides in favour of the infinitely more variable delight + of running water and a sufficiency of mud. Perhaps I have said enough to + suggest the charm of an engaging volume, itself a memorial of one whose + kindly laughter will be missed by many.</p> + +<hr /> + + <div class="figcenter" style="width:50%;"> + <a href="images/304.png"><img width="100%" src="images/304.png" + alt="" /></a> + <i>Young Alf.</i> "<font class="sc">Chuck it, Jimmy. 'E ain't got a + kind face.</font>" + </div> + + + + + + + +<pre> + + + + + +End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Volume +158, April 21, 1920, by Various + +*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH, OR THE LONDON *** + +***** This file should be named 16213-h.htm or 16213-h.zip ***** +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: + https://www.gutenberg.org/1/6/2/1/16213/ + +Produced by Jonathan Ingram, Keith Edkins and the Online +Distributed Proofreading Team at https://www.pgdp.net + + +Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions +will be renamed. + +Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no +one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation +(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without +permission and without paying copyright royalties. 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