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+The Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Volume 158,
+April 21, 1920, by Various
+
+This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with
+almost no restrictions whatsoever.  You may copy it, give it away or
+re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included
+with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org
+
+
+Title: Punch, or the London Charivari, Volume 158, April 21, 1920
+
+Author: Various
+
+Release Date: July 5, 2005 [EBook #16213]
+
+Language: English
+
+Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1
+
+*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH, OR THE LONDON ***
+
+
+
+
+Produced by Jonathan Ingram, Keith Edkins and the Online
+Distributed Proofreading Team at https://www.pgdp.net
+
+
+
+
+
+PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
+
+VOL. 158.
+
+
+
+April 21st, 1920.
+
+
+
+
+CHARIVARIA.
+
+It appears that Irish criminals may be divided into three classes (_a_) The
+ones you can't catch; (_b_) The ones you have caught but can't convict;
+(_c_) The ones you have convicted but can't keep in prison.
+
+* * *
+
+To such an extent has America gone dry that nearly all letters despatched
+from Scotsmen living over there are posted with the stamps pinned to the
+envelopes.
+
+* * *
+
+"We are certainly going to gain by the sale of the Slough works," said Mr.
+BONAR LAW last week. Whether to an extent that will justify the Government
+for having kept _The Daily Mail_ waiting like that is another question.
+
+* * *
+
+Mr. JAMES FOWLER of Deptford has offered to walk from Westminster Bridge to
+Brighton with a jar on his head. We assume that he has mislaid his hat.
+
+* * *
+
+In Hertfordshire the other day a boy was knocked down by a funeral-car. It
+may have been an accident, but it has all the appearance of greed.
+
+* * *
+
+A constable giving evidence at Willesden police-court said a prisoner
+called him a "sergeant-major." We feel sure the fellow could not have meant
+it.
+
+* * *
+
+Mrs. ALICE L. YOCUM, of Boone, U.S.A., has just obtained her thirteenth
+divorce. It is said that she has the finest collection of husbands in
+America.
+
+* * *
+
+The man who last week said he had not read "Another Powerful Article" by
+Mr. HORATIO BOTTOMLEY in the Sunday Press is thought to be an impostor.
+
+* * *
+
+Parents in New York who are afraid of losing their children may register
+them at the Bureau of Missing People. As we have no such institution in
+this country parents must adopt the old method of writing their names and
+addresses on the top right-hand corner of their offspring.
+
+* * *
+
+Any wind blowing at more than seventy miles an hour, says an informing
+paper, may be called a hurricane. At the same time we doubt if this would
+have much effect on it.
+
+* * *
+
+Our sympathy is with the young Flight Lieutenant of the R.A.F. who has been
+unable to keep up with the uniforms designed by the Air Ministry. He is now
+said to be three uniforms behind.
+
+* * *
+
+It is claimed that whilst standing on a certain rock near Aberdeen one can
+obtain a thousand echoes from a single shout. We understand that the local
+habit of going there in order to pull a cork out of a bottle has now been
+prohibited owing to the annoyance caused to American visitors.
+
+* * *
+
+A large grocery warehouse in Liverpool was practically destroyed by fire
+last Thursday week. We understand that the orderly manner in which the
+cheeses fell in and marched out of the danger-zone was alone responsible
+for preventing a panic.
+
+* * *
+
+"Keep smiling and you will never need a doctor," advises a writer in an
+illustrated daily. A friend of ours who put it to the test now writes to us
+from a well-known county asylum advising us to choose the doctor.
+
+* * *
+
+According to a morning paper, Micky, the oldest ape in the Zoo, now wears a
+mournful expression and seems to be tired of life. It is thought that he
+may have recently overhead the remark made by a thoughtless visitor that he
+was growing more like a Bolshevik every day.
+
+* * *
+
+A certain lamp-post in Maida Vale has been knocked down twice by the same
+bus. If the bus knocks it down once more the lamp becomes its own property.
+
+* * *
+
+The amazing report that one of the first six to finish in the London to
+Brighton walk was once a telegraph-boy is now denied.
+
+* * *
+
+There is a man living in the Edgware Road, it is stated, who has never been
+on an omnibus. He has often seen them whizzing by, he declares, but has
+always resisted the temptation to take the fatal plunge.
+
+* * *
+
+There will be no Naval manoeuvres this year, it is announced. How under
+these conditions Mr. POLLEN can continue to teach the Navy its business is
+a very grave question.
+
+* * *
+
+At a St. Dunstan's auction at Thornton Heath autographs of Mr. GEORGE ROBEY
+and the PREMIER were sold at ten shillings each. Mr. ROBEY, it appears,
+generously insisted on treating the matter as a joke.
+
+* * *
+
+A Manchester scientist claims to have discovered a means of making
+vegetable alcohol undrinkable without impairing its usefulness. It looks as
+if the secret of Government ale must have leaked out at last.
+
+* * *
+
+We are in a position to deny a report which was being spread in connection
+with a certain Model Village scheme, to the effect that the model
+bricklayer had refused to perform unless he was provided with a model
+public-house, while the model public-house could not be provided until the
+model bricklayer started work.
+
+* * *
+
+Bonnet strings, says a fashion paper, will be worn by _débutantes_ this
+summer. Apron strings, we gather, will continue to be unfashionable with
+our flappers.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _British Museum Official._ "NO, YOU CAN'T GET INTO THE MUMMY
+GALLERY. THE GOVERNMENT OFFICIALS ARE STILL THERE."
+
+_Rustic._ "WHAT! AIN'T THEY SORTED 'EM OUT YET?"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+ON THE ITALIAN RIVIERA.
+
+ENGLAND TO HER FRANCE.
+
+  This is a joyous trysting-place, my love,
+    With no inconstant climate to distract us;
+  Pure azure is the sky that laughs above
+    These admirable bowers of prickly cactus,
+  Where we may nestle, conjugating _amo_
+             (Dear old San Remo!).
+
+  We've had our difference, as lovers do;
+    A slight misunderstanding came between us;
+  But that is past; the sky (I said) is blue
+    And this the very sea that nurtured Venus;
+  Come, like her doves amid the groves of myrtle--
+             Come, let us turtle.
+
+  "How can they ever kiss again?" 'twas said;
+    But Love made light of that absurd conundrum;
+  And lo! your breast is pillow to my head,
+    And we've a pair of hearts that beat as one drum;
+  Our bonds, if anything, are even more
+             Tight than before.
+
+  Your independence caused a passing pain,
+    But now, I thank you, I am feeling better;
+  You'll never go upon your own again
+    Nor I will write another nasty letter;
+  Embrace me, then, for sign of love's renewal,
+             _Mon bijou_ (jewel).
+
+
+  O.S.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE IDENTIFICATION OF HOBBS.
+
+Old Hobbs, the gardener, has been in our family longer than I have.
+Although we live within twenty miles of London only once has he made the
+journey to the great city, for that one memorable day so nearly ended in
+disaster that he always speaks of it with a shudder. Indeed, but for the
+arrival of Mrs. Hobbs, belated, flustered and inquiring everywhere for her
+man, he must assuredly have spent the night in a police-station.
+
+This is how it all happened. Mrs. Hobbs was returning from a visit to
+relations in Sussex, and her husband was to meet her in London, convoy her
+across the city and bring her home. In order to avail himself of a cheap
+fare Hobbs left by the 7.30 train, though his wife would not arrive till
+four o'clock in the afternoon.
+
+He managed to get across London somehow. After locating the station at
+which Mrs. Hobbs was to arrive his intention was to spend the day "looking
+round London a bit;" but the crowds and the traffic were too much for the
+old countryman, so he sought safety by staying where he was.
+
+Time hung heavily after a while. He lingered round the bookstall looking at
+the books and papers till a pert girl behind the counter asked him if he
+wouldn't like a chair; but when Hobbs, who was never rude and consequently
+never suspected rudeness in other people, raised his hat and said, "No,
+thank'ee, Miss, I be all right standing," even the pert girl was disarmed.
+
+Next he amused himself counting the milk-churns on the platform. Then he
+killed time by interesting himself in the stacks of unattended luggage and
+examining the labels; and at three o'clock a railway policeman laid a hand
+on his shoulder and asked him what his game was.
+
+Hobbs, a little startled but clear in conscience, told his tale.
+
+"That don't do for me," announced the constable. "I been keeping
+observation on you since nine, and your wife don't arrive till four, so you
+say. I seen you hanging round the luggage and fingering parcels, and you'll
+just come with me to the police-office as a suspected person loitering. An
+old luggage-thief, I should say, to put it quite plain."
+
+"Me a thief!" gasped Hobbs, roused to realities; "why, I've worked ever
+since I was twelve, and me sixty-three now; I was never a thief, Sir. Look
+at me hands."
+
+The constable inspected them critically. "They're a bit horny certainly;
+but then that may be only your dam artfulness. Come on and talk to the
+Sergeant."
+
+The Railway Police-Sergeant briskly inquired his name, address, occupation
+and all the rest of it. Hobbs gave a good account of himself and mentioned
+that he had worked in our family for forty-two years.
+
+"Any visiting-cards, correspondence or other papers to identify you?" asked
+the Sergeant mechanically. He had said it so often to the people who cry
+"Season! Season!" when there is no Season.
+
+Hobbs confessed to having none of these things; and no, he knew no one in
+London.
+
+"Then you'll stay here till four," pronounced the Sergeant, "and we'll see
+if this good lady of yours comes along."
+
+But, alas! no Mrs. Hobbs appeared. "Must have missed the train," suggested
+Hobbs despairingly. "P'r'aps the trap broke down or something."
+
+There was only one more train, it seemed, and that was not due until nine.
+
+"Oh, I don't think my missus 'ud like to be so late as that," said the
+suspect. "She'd wait till the morning. I don't reckon she'll come
+to-night."
+
+"No more don't I." The constable was beginning to enjoy himself. "If I was
+you I should drop the bluff and own I was fair caught. If you was to ask
+me, I should say you didn't look like a married man at all. We'll see what
+the Sergeant says now."
+
+The Sergeant was accordingly consulted. He too was rather sceptical.
+
+"If there's any truth in what you say you'd better wire to this gentleman
+at Monk's Langford that you say you work for, and try if we can identify
+you somehow," he advised. And to the constable, "Take him to the Telegraph
+Office and let him send his wire. Then bring him back here. Mind he don't
+give you the slip."
+
+So Hobbs, sighing deeply and perspiring freely, wrote his message: "Sir,
+they have got me in the police-station here and say I am a suspected
+person, which you know I never was, having worked for you, Sir, and your
+father for forty-two years. But the Sargeant here says he wants proofs, and
+you, Sir, must vouch for me as being respectable, which you know I am, and
+none of us was ever thieves. So will you please do so, Sir, and oblige, as
+this leaves me at present, George Hobbs."
+
+The clerk glanced at it. "It's a long message," he said; "it'll cost four
+or five shillings."
+
+Hobbs hadn't got that--no, really he hadn't.
+
+The constable standing on guard, rather bored, interposed, "We ain't asking
+you to write a book about it."
+
+"No, Sir, I couldn't do that," replied Hobbs anxiously. "What would you
+say, Sir, if you was me?"
+
+"Don't ask me," answered the policeman. "It's your wire, not mine. Send
+something you can pay for. We only wants to find out if you're the person
+you say you are. Daresay you'd like me to write it for you, and you 'op it
+while I done it. I seen your kind before. Try again, mate."
+
+So Hobbs tried again. And that is how it came about that at tea-time a
+telegraph-boy brought me the bewildering message: "Mr. Lockwood, The Nook,
+Monk's Langford. Sir, am I Hobbs? Hobbs."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: LOVERS' QUARRELS.
+
+JOHN BULL (_to France_). "WONDERFUL HOW A LITTLE STORM IN A TEA-POT BRINGS
+OUT THE FLAVOUR!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: OUTSIDE THE RADIUS.
+
+_Strong Man._ "NOW THEN, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, KIND APPRECIATION, IF YOU
+PLEASE. YOU SHORLY DON'T EXPECT A GENUINE WEST-END PERFORMER TO 'ALF KILL
+'ISSELF IN THE SUBUBS FOR FOURPENCE?"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+BRIDGE NOTES.
+
+(_With acknowledgments to several contemporaries._)
+
+It would, I feel, be but fair to the great Bridge-playing public to preface
+these few notes with a word of warning against the writers whom I find to
+my regret affecting to speak with authority on this subject in other
+periodicals. Until, as in the kindred profession of Medicine, it is
+impossible to practise without a Bridge degree, nothing can be done to
+prevent these quacks from laying down the law. All I can do for the present
+is to point out that there is only one writer who can speak not merely with
+authority, but with infallibility, upon all matters pertaining to our
+national game.
+
+In this the eighth instalment of my series on Auction etiquette, I should
+like to urge once more upon the young Bridge-player the importance of
+playing quickly. And this because yet another case has come under my notice
+in which much trouble might have been avoided by doing so. In this case A.
+took seven minutes to decide whether to play the King or the Knave, which,
+especially as the Queen had already been played, was, I consider, far too
+long. Y., the declarer, sitting on A.'s left, certainly found it so, for
+towards the end of the seventh minute he dropped off to sleep and his cards
+fell forward face upward on the table. Dummy having gone away in search of
+liquid refreshment, A. and his partner B. then played out the hand as they
+liked and then roused Y. to inform him that, instead of making game, he had
+lost three hundred above.
+
+Now, A. and B. were strictly within the rules of Auction Bridge in acting
+as they did. There is no legal time limit for players, as there is at
+cricket. But it would have been more tactful had they roused Y. at once,
+that he might see what they were doing with his cards.
+
+Nor should tact be confined to such comparatively rare incidents as this.
+For instance, it is a mistake to confuse Auction Bridge with Rugby
+football. I have known players who declared "Two No-trumps" in very much
+the same manner as that in which a Rugby football-player throws the
+opposing three-quarter over the side-line. Excessive aggression is a
+mistake. A young Civil Servant of my acquaintance even went so far as to
+abstain from claiming an obvious revoke when the delinquent was the chief
+of his department. Unfortunately, however, this young man, so wise in other
+ways, had the annoying habit of turning his chair to bring him luck. On one
+evening, when the run of the cards was against him, he turned his chair
+between every hand and so annoyed his chief that no promotion has ever come
+his way, and he now spends his days bitterly regretting that he did not
+claim that revoke.
+
+Passing to another point, I am asked by a correspondent if it is
+permissible occasionally to play from left to right, instead of from right
+to left, just to relieve the monotony. He asks, not unreasonably, why, if
+this is not so, writers on Bridge go to the trouble of putting those little
+curved arrows to show which way round the cards are to be played.
+
+For myself, I see no reason why the right-to-left convention should not
+occasionally be reversed, always provided that the whole table agrees
+beforehand to play in the same direction.
+
+There are many other points to which I should like to refer, and many
+players to whom I should like to give a word of warning. There is the
+player who suddenly breaks off to join in the conversation of other people
+who happen to be in the room. There is the player who whistles to himself
+while he is playing: this is a grave fault, nor does the class of music
+whistled affect the question; the _Preislied_ performed through the teeth
+is quite as exasperating as _K-K-Katie_. Then there is the player who
+breathes so hard with the exertion of the game that he blows the cards
+about the table. Finally there is the player who slaps the face of his or
+her partner. This is a mistake, however great the provocation. I have not
+space now to deal exhaustively with these breaches of Auction etiquette.
+Besides, I have to keep something in hand for future articles.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Foreman (to new hand)._ "WHAT ARE YOU DOIN' THERE?"
+
+_New Hand._ "OILIN' THE WHEELBARROW."
+
+_Foreman._ "WELL, JUST LET IT ALONE. WHAT DO YOU KNOW ABOUT MACHINERY?"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE MADDING CROWD.
+
+The scene is an Irish Point-to-Point meeting.
+
+The course lies along a shallow valley, bounded on the north by a wall of
+cloudy blue mountains.
+
+At each jump stands a group of spectators; the difficulty or danger of an
+obstacle may be measured by the number of spectators who stand about it,
+recounting tales of past accidents and hoping cheerfully for the future.
+Motor cars, side-cars, waggonettes, pony-traps and ass-carts are drawn up
+anyhow round a clump of whitewashed farm buildings in the background.
+
+Blanketed hunters are having their legs rubbed or being led up and down by
+grooms. Comes a broken-winded tootle on a coach-horn and the black-and-
+scarlet drag of the local garrison trundles into view. The unsophisticated
+gun-horses in the lead shy violently at the flapping canvas of an
+orange-stall and swerve to the left into a roulette-booth presided over by
+a vociferous ancient in a tattered overcoat and blue spectacles. The
+gamblers scatter like flushed partridges and the ancient bites the turf
+beneath his upturned board amid a shower of silver coins. The leaders,
+scared by the animated table, and the blood-curdling invocations and
+wildly-waving arms and legs of the fallen croupier, shy violently in the
+opposite direction and disappear into the refreshment-tent, whence issue
+the crash of crockery and the shrieks of the attendant Hebes. (Lieut.-
+Commander KENWORTHY should have some questions to pop about this at
+Westminster when next the Irish Question comes up.)
+
+The bookmakers are perched a-top of a grassy knoll which overlooks the
+whole course, and around them surges the crowd.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+_Scarecrow (in somebody's cast-off dinner-jacket and somebody else's
+abandoned hunting breeches.)_ Kyard of the races! Kyard of the races!
+
+_Farmer._ Here y' are. How much?
+
+_Scarecrow._ Wan shillin'-an'-sixpence, Sorr.
+
+_Farmer._ There's "Price wan shillin'" printed on ut, ye blagyard.
+
+_Scarecrow._ The sixpence is for the Government's little Intertainmints
+Tax, Sorr.
+
+_Farmer._ Oh, go to the divil!
+
+_Scarecrow._ Shure an' I will if yer honour'll give me a letther of
+inthroduction. We'll call ut a shillin', thin, and I'll sthand the loss
+mesilf.
+
+[_Farmer parts with the price and the Scarecrow dodges swiftly into the
+crowd. The Farmer peruses the card and frowns in a puzzled way; then the
+date catches his eye and he curses and tears the list to pieces._
+
+_Farmer._ Drat take the little scut; he's sold me last year's kyard!
+
+_Cattle-Dealer (shouting)._ Hi, sthop him there!
+
+_Farmer._ Whist, let him go. Let him trap some others first the way I'll
+not be the only mug on the market this day.
+
+_Trickster (setting up his table and jerking his cards about)._ I'm afther
+losin' a pony to thim robbers beyant, but, as Pierpont Rockafeller said to
+Jawn D. Morgan, "business is business, an' if ye don't speculate ye won't
+accumulate." Spot the dame and my money's yours; spot the blank and yours
+is mine. "The quickness of the hand deceives the eye, or vicy-versy," as
+Lord Carnegie remarked to Andrew Rothschild. Walk up, walk up, my sporty
+gintlemen and thry yer luck wid the owld firm.
+
+_Farmer._ There go the harses down to the post. Who's that leadin' on the
+black?
+
+_Dealer._ Young Misther Darley, no less. 'Tis a great fella for all kinds
+of divarsion he is, the same. I was beyant to Darleystown this week past
+and found him fightin' a main o'cocks before the fire in his grandmother's
+drawin'-room. Herself riz up off her bed and gave the two of us the father
+and mother of a dhrubbin' wid her crutch, an' she desthroyed wid the gout
+an' all.
+
+_Farmer._ 'Tis herself has the great heart. Hey! that's never Clancy goin'
+down on the owld foxey mare? Faith, it's sorra a ha'porth cud she course or
+lep these fifteen years.
+
+_Dealer._ Lep, is ut? Shure she'll spring out like a birrd an' fear no foe
+by dint of the two bottles of potheen she has taken an' the couple o' lads
+Clancy has stationed at ivvery jump to let a roar at her an' hearthen her
+wid the sthroke of an ash-plant as she comes at ut.
+
+_First Country Boy._ Arrah, they're off, they're away!
+
+_Second Country Boy._ Thin let us down to the big double, avic, and be the
+grace of God we'll see a corpse.
+
+_Girl in Brown (hopping from one foot to the other)._ Can you see Freddy,
+Uncle George? Is he in front? I'm sure he is. He hasn't fallen, has he? He
+won't fall, will he? I'm sure he will. I do hope he'll win; I _know_ he
+won't. The jumps look frightful, and I'm certain he'll break his darling
+neck. Oh, where _is_ he, Uncle George?
+
+_Uncle George._ Here, take my field-glasses.
+
+_Girl in Brown._ I can't see, I can't see.
+
+_Uncle George (drily)._ Try looking through them the other way round.
+
+_Beshawled Crone (towing an aged beggar-man who wears a framed placard
+reminding the public that "charity covers a multitude of sins," and
+announcing that the bearer is not only "teetotally" deaf and dumb, but also
+blind, barmy and partially paralysed)._ May God's blessin' and the
+blessin's of all the howly Saints an' Martyrs be on ye, and would ye spare
+a little copper for a poor owld sthricken crature an' I'll pray for ye this
+night an' ivvery night of me life?
+
+_Girl in Brown._ Give her a shilling, Uncle George, and tell her to pray
+for Freddy _now_.
+
+[Uncle George _does the needful_.
+
+_Beggar-man (miraculously recovering his speech)._ Whist! Was that a
+shillin' he gave ye? That makes ten ye have now, thin. Bun like a hare an'
+put ut on Acrobat at the best ye can get.
+
+_Farmer._ Clancy leads be a length.
+
+_Dealer._ Thin 'tis a hardy rider will dare pass the owld foxey mare now,
+for she'd reach out an' chew the leg off him, she's that jealous.
+
+_Farmer._ Woof! Pat Maguire is into the wather head-first an' dhrinkin' a
+bellyful, I'll warrant--which same will be a new sensation for him.
+
+_Dealer._ It will indeed. 'Tis a wonder he wouldn't send a lad round the
+course before him givin' the ditches a dash from a pocket-flask the way
+he'd be in his iliment should he take a toss--the thirsty poor fella!
+
+_Farmer._ The foxey mare is down on her nose an' Clancy throwing somersets
+all down the course. Acrobat has ut.
+
+_Dealer._ He has not. He is all bet up. He's rollin' like a Wexford
+pig-boat. Beau Brocade has the legs of him.
+
+_Girl in Brown (jumping up and down)._ Beau Brocade! Beau Brocade! Oh,
+Freddy darling!
+
+_Beggar-man (miraculously recovering his sight)._ Acrobat! Put the whip to
+him, ye lazy varmint! Acrobat! Och, wirra, wirra!
+
+_Dealer._ Beau Brocade has him cot. He is on his quarther. He is on his
+shoulder. They are neck and neck. He has him bet. Huroosh!
+
+_Farmer._ What are you hurooshin' for--you with five poun' on Acrobat?
+
+_Dealer (crestfallen)._ Och, dang it, I was forgettin'.
+
+_Girl in Brown (dancing and clapping her hands)._ Hurray! Hurray! Hurray!
+
+_Beggar-man._ ***!!! ***!!!
+
+[_Local brass band, throned in a dilapidated waggonette, explodes into the
+opening strains of "Garryowen."_
+
+PATLANDER.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "The question which arises in the mind of
+    the writer is this:--'Is Salicylic Aldehyde
+    "C6H4<COH orthohydroxybenzaldehyde"
+          OH
+    the cause of the trouble?'"--_The Fruit-Grower._
+
+It must be a dreadful thing to have a mind like that.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: MANNERS AND MODES.
+
+THEN AND NOW.
+
+[_From an Early-Victorian pocket "Etiquette for Gentlemen."_--"During the
+morning hours a gentleman visitor who neither shoots, reads, writes letters
+nor does anything but idle about the house and chat with the ladies is an
+intolerable nuisance. Sooner than become the latter he had better retire to
+the billiard-room and practise cannons by himself."]]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+TELEPHONE TACTICS.
+
+It is now some months since the great autumn offensive was conducted with
+the idea of biting off an awkward salient in my circumstances--in brief, of
+obtaining the necessary telephone to enable me to commence an ordered
+existence. For many, many days my voice had been unheard crying in the
+wilderness that I was a poor demobilised soldier, that I had once had a
+telephone and had given it up at my country's call, and please couldn't
+they give me back even my old, old telephone again? I have already told how
+in response to these very human appeals I at length got only a request for
+the balance due for calls for 1914. My old friend Time, however, worked his
+proverbial wonders and one day a telephone came--phit! like that.
+
+Directly it had come I suspected a trap somewhere. Nor were my friends
+behindhand in telling me of the horrors of gigantic and inexorable bills
+from which there was no appeal. They said I must have a coin-box. Excellent
+idea! I would have a coin-box.
+
+So the great Spring offensive began. In early February I opened a strong
+barrage upon the main headquarters (how lovingly these ancient military
+metaphors come back to one!) and kept up a little light harassing fire upon
+the District Agent. The enemy replied with rigid uniformity upon printed
+forms--a mean advantage, for I have to type mine myself. But matters
+progressed. At the end of the first fortnight I had been advised that the
+work of installing my coin-box had been entrusted to no fewer than three
+groups of engineers, "to whom you should refer in all cases."
+
+Well, I "referred" for some little time, and then, after a decent interval,
+made their acquaintance separately. If anything was calculated to bring
+back memories of the lighter side of the War it was the gracious and suave
+manner in which I despatched and redespatched to other departments. I might
+have been the buffest of buff slips the way I was "passed to you, please."
+
+Once again I cancelled all my work in the pursuit of where the rainbow
+ends. Nor was this renunciation any great hardship, for I had been writing
+a book about the Realities of War, and had just found that all the horrors
+that ever might have happened had already been set down by one who saw most
+of the game, being an onlooker. "But this," I said, as I set out every
+morning--"this is the life, pure adventure in every moment of it."
+
+My efforts were rewarded. In late February three people came and left three
+coin-boxes--in pieces. Then I must admit that I did a foolish thing. I
+wrote and said that I only wanted one box. I was afraid that if I kept them
+all it would be, a case of "Thr-r-ree pennies, please," instead of one.
+(Mine is a penny district).
+
+It annoyed them all. They came and took all the boxes away again--jealousy,
+I suppose. So at the end of February I was back in my old trenches again
+and visitors were still saying, "Oh, _do_ you mind if I ring up So-and-so?"
+and I was listening to myself answering, "Oh, _do_. No, of _course_ don't
+bother about the twopence" (visitors always want calls just outside the
+radius; I do myself).
+
+The crisis came in March. It was then that I joined the criminal classes.
+For many days I had haunted the telephone dump, taking a melancholy
+pleasure in watching real engineers come out with real coin-boxes for other
+people. No Peri at the golden gate ever looked more wistful. I know now
+that it is opportunity that makes the criminal, and one day the opportunity
+came. It came in the form of a young and evidently new hand, who emerged
+from the dump and pitched upon me--me of all people--to ask, "Can you tell
+me where this place is?" As he spoke he began to get out a slip with the
+address, and in that moment my fate was sealed. One glance showed me that
+he was the bearer of a perfectly good coin-box, and in a second I had
+seized the opportunity.
+
+What he said I have not the slightest idea and it wouldn't have mattered
+what the address had been; before he started I had assured him that by a
+curious coincidence I was going to that very place, and that by a still
+more curious coincidence I was the very man who wanted that coin-box.
+Curious, wasn't it, how such coincidences happened in real life as well as
+in books?
+
+I took him to my home in a taxi. On the way I succeeded in diverting his
+mind from any possible awkward questions by relating details of my sad
+story until I could see the poor fellow was on the verge of tears. For
+those interested in criminology I may say that all the best criminal
+devices are not necessarily planned beforehand to the end; they are begun
+any-old-how and the genius consists in carrying the thing through
+afterwards, much the same as running a great war. I recked not what might
+occur after I had nefariously induced the poor innocent to install the
+machine; perhaps I had some vague idea that the Englishman's house is his
+castle, though this seems ridiculous when considered calmly. However, what
+matter these psychological dissections? He came with me unsuspecting, and I
+piloted him out of the taxi without his ever noticing the name of the
+street even. How could I have foreseen? Well, anyhow I didn't, or I
+shouldn't have tipped him on the stairs.
+
+With many nods and winks I gave my wife the hint how I had managed it, and
+we went about the house whispering and hobnobbing in odd corners like a
+couple of conspirators while he began the work of installation.
+
+Then the first dreadful moment came. Suddenly he addressed me by my name,
+with a certain suspicious interrogation in his tone.
+
+"Who?" I asked blandly, going as red as a turkey-cock, of course; I never
+can help it.
+
+He looked surprised and I plunged heavily, giving the first name I could
+think of, which happened to be the one he had mentioned in the taxi--his
+own, in fact. He looked still more suspicious and I knew it had been a
+mistake, especially as close to where he had been working were two
+envelopes addressed to me. I am certain that if my wife had not called me
+at that moment I should have gone permanently purple all over.
+
+When I got back (I tried to get my wife to go, but she said she would
+rather I went, and that I wasn't really as red as I felt)--when I got back
+I could see that it had dawned upon him that I had wheedled him there
+without his knowing exactly where he was, and that he was determined not to
+be had. He asked me to sign for the installation.
+
+Alas, I could not do that. It was only then that I realised that I am
+constitutionally honest; besides they might find me out.
+
+We both tried to turn his thoughts to pleasanter topics. Perhaps asking him
+to have a glass of port was a mistake there are times when even bribery is
+bad policy. Briefly, after a mumbled remark that "there was something
+fishy," he refused to leave the box. Dry-eyed we watched him take it all
+down and depart in a dudgeon. We were left with a vision of shameless
+visitors with their twopenny calls and interminable bills running up even
+while we were away on our holidays.
+
+"Let us," I said hoarsely--"let us go and look at our child; she is all we
+have left now."
+
+Moodily we turned to go upstairs. In the hall we stopped dead. Upon the
+floor was the wretched paper which my Victorian conscience and my
+twentieth-century caution had prevented me from signing.
+
+"He must," said my wife with her usual perspicacity, "have dropped it on
+his way out. Let's see who the box was really meant for."
+
+Picking it up I read aloud in cold firm tones _my own name and address_.
+The box had been meant for us after all.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+We got it in the end. It came one morning, like the flowers in Spring,
+quite suddenly, and we spent a whole day telephoning to our friends to tell
+them we had a coin-box at last. I also wrote a letter full of gratitude to
+the telephone people and got the reply that, "owing to the shortage of
+plant, etc.," they regretted that for the time being they could not grant
+my request for a telephone.
+
+We did not tell them that we had had one for three months; Heaven knows
+what would have happened.
+
+And we are left in peace--now that our visitors have heard that we have a
+coin-box.
+
+L.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: THE PIONEERS.
+
+SUPPOSED ORIGIN OF UNDERGROUND TACTICS.]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+TWO "STEIN"-WAY GRANDS.
+
+BY A PHILISTINE.
+
+  EINSTEIN and EPSTEIN were wonderful men,
+  Bringing new miracles into our ken.
+  EINSTEIN upset the Newtonian rule;
+  EPSTEIN demolished the Pheidian School.
+  EINSTEIN gave fits to the Royal Society;
+  EPSTEIN delighted in loud notoriety.
+  EINSTEIN made parallels meet in infinity;
+  EPSTEIN remodelled the form of Divinity.
+  Nature exhausted, I hopefully sing,
+  Can't have more Steins of this sort in her sling.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Mrs. Faulkner_ (_to District Visitor_). "NICELY, THANK YOU,
+MISS, EXCEPT FOR A POISONED 'AND. FOR THE REST OF 'EM, FATHER'S IN
+HOSPITAL, LITTLE FLORRIE'S SCALDED HERSELF AND BABY'S GOT THE
+WHOOPING-COUGH. IT BE A BLESSING THAT TROUBLES DON'T COME SINGLY OR
+ELSE THERE'D BE NO END TO IT."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "Disputing Sergt. Alvan C. York's claim as the world war's greatest
+    hero, Sergt. Mike Donaldson of New York has challenged the Tennessean
+    to a debate on who is the greatest war hero."--_New Haven
+    Journal-Courier (U.S.A.)_
+
+Without waiting for the result of this unique contest Mr. Punch has no
+hesitation in saying that between them these warriors are responsible for
+the mightiest "blow" of the War.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _The Colonel_ (_at the end of his vocabulary_). "_WHAT_ DID
+LORD FISHER SAY IN 1919?"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+FROM THE DANCE WORLD.
+
+(_By our Ballet Expert._)
+
+_The Daily Graphic_ announces that Mr. ARNOLD BENNETT has "fallen a willing
+victim to the latest fashionable dances," and is having lessons in them "in
+the privacy of his Hanover Square home." A thousand entrancing
+possibilities are opened up by this bald announcement. We are content to
+supplement it by a few authentic details.
+
+Mr. BENNETT, who does nothing by halves, has mapped out a programme which
+will occupy his energies for at least two years. First comes the period of
+pupilship, which will last for six months. Then a year on the stage; then
+six months devoted to the composition of three novels and three plays, each
+with a Terpsichorean motive. Already, while engaged on his daily exercises,
+Mr. BENNETT has found time to revise the titles of some of his earlier
+works in keeping with his present aims, and two of these have now been
+appropriately rechristened _Anna Pavlova of the Five Towns_ and _Helen of
+the High Kick_.
+
+In the actual technique of his adopted art Mr. BENNETT has already shown
+extraordinary progress. The other day, while a wedding party was just about
+to leave St. George's, Hanover Square, Mr. BENNETT, who happened to be
+passing by, took a flying caracole clean over the Rolls-Royce which
+contained the happy pair. Those who witnessed the feat say that it eclipsed
+NIJINSKY in his most elastic mood. But Mr. BENNETT is not satisfied, and
+declined an invitation to appear at the Devonshire House Ball last week on
+the ground that his achievement does not yet square with his ambition.
+Moreover he has decided not to dance in public under his real name, but is
+not yet quite certain whether to choose the artistic pseudonym of Ben
+Netsky or Cinquecittŕ--probably the latter.
+
+Above all he is firmly resolved to preserve in his dancing the sympathetic
+and humanistic tone of his presentation of life in his books. It will be a
+message of hope. He is determined by his gestural artistry and resilient
+thistle-downiness to "sanction and fortify the natural human passion for
+believing that life can somehow, behind all the miseries and the mysteries,
+mean something profoundly worth while." To render justice to his mental and
+physical agility is beyond our powers.
+
+We have been driven to culling this memorable sentence from the latest and
+most preternaturally precious of his American admirers.
+
+It is only fair to say that as a dancing fictionist Mr. BENNETT will not be
+allowed to have it entirely his own way. Rumours are already afloat of the
+appearance on the boards of Messrs. CHESTERTON and BELLOC, under the
+impressive aliases of Campoborgo and Bellocchio, "the Terrible
+Tarantulators." This may be only a wild surmise. There is however strong _a
+priori_ evidence in support of the statements that Mr. MASEFIELD is taking
+lessons in the Fox Trot at Boar's Hill, and that Lord Northsquith is
+bringing back with him from Morocco a powerful troupe of Dancing Dervishes,
+with the intention of installing them ultimately in Downing Street.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+OUR LITERARY LEGISLATORS.
+
+    "AN IMPERIAL POLICY.
+
+    (By Mr. ALFRED BIGLAND, M.P.)
+
+    May I commence my argument by a well-known quotation from Shakespeare,
+    'He knows not England who only England knows'?"--_Liverpool Paper_.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "SITUATIONS OPEN.
+
+    (COLONIAL, INDIAN AND FOREIGN.)
+
+    IRELAND.--Invoice Clerk required by leading firm of Wholesale Druggists
+    in Ireland."--_Trade Paper._
+
+Dominion Home Rule casts its shadow before.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "The decree of the Archbishop of Canterbury for the creation of a
+    separate Providence of Wales was read."--_Scotch Paper._
+
+What's wrong with Mr. LLOYD GEORGE?
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: RESTORING THE BALANCE.
+
+VOICE FROM AUDIENCE: "IT'S A TRICK!"
+
+PERFORMER: "OF COURSE IT'S A TRICK! THE POINT IS THAT IT HASN'T BEEN DONE
+FOR YEARS AND YEARS--AND I'LL TROUBLE YOU TO APPLAUD IT."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT.
+
+_Monday, April 12th._--Neither Ministers nor ordinary Members showed any
+marked eagerness to resume their Parliamentary labours. Little green oases
+were to be seen in every part of the House, and on the Treasury Bench even
+Under-Secretaries (who often have to maintain a precarious perch on one
+another's knees) had room to spread themselves.
+
+The Underground Railway may, like Nature, be careless of the individual,
+but it is extremely careful of the typewriter, and insists on making a
+special charge for this instrument, officially regarded as a bicycle. But
+as Sir ERIC GEDDES announced that this extortion, "though legal," was in
+his opinion "neither just nor expedient," we may hope that it will shortly
+be abandoned. The Ministry of Transport at last seems likely to justify its
+existence.
+
+[Illustration: "HOT STUFF."
+
+MR. MILLS OF DARTFORD.]
+
+Lieut.-Commander KENWORTHY was annoyed to find that there has been no
+change during the recess in the regulations relating to passports, and that
+they are still not issued to Soviet Russia. The tone of the Minister's
+reply rather suggested that the Government might be disposed to make an
+exception in favour of the hon. and gallant Member.
+
+_Tuesday, April 13th._--After the official announcement that the Slough
+depot had been sold, and the chorus of satisfaction in the Press that the
+Government had disposed of its white elephant at a profit, Mr. HOGGE was
+disappointed to learn that, though the heads of agreement were being
+discussed, no contract had yet been signed. He was indeed rather surprised
+that the Government should think of parting at all with what the LEADER OF
+THE HOUSE had assured them was going to be "a dripping roast for the
+taxpayer." Mr. LAW smilingly disclaimed the coinage of this appetising
+phrase.
+
+Mr. MILLS, the new Member for Dartford, is credited with being "very hot
+stuff" (a cadet, I am told, of the _Moulin Rouge_ family), but he looked
+much too trim and spruce for a real revolutionary as he walked up, amid the
+plaudits of his Labour colleagues, to take the oath and his seat. In fact
+Mr. GREENWOOD, the new Coalition-Unionist Member for Stockport, who
+followed him, has much more the air of an _homme du peuple_. As for Mr.
+FILDES, his Coalition-Liberal colleague, I don't wonder that Stockport
+favoured a candidate whose genial countenance so strongly resembles that of
+Mr. Punch.
+
+[Illustration: MR. PUNCH GREETS HIS DOUBLE.
+
+MR. FILDES OF STOCKPORT.]
+
+The debate on the Civil Service Estimates furnished Mr. HOPKINS with an
+opportunity of delivering an appeal, doubtless cogent but mainly inaudible,
+for the restoration of the exchange value of the pound sterling. Mr. A.M.
+SAMUEL, on the other hand, was more audible than orthodox. At least it
+rather shocked me to be told that we were getting too much for the pound
+before the War. Mr. BALDWIN, for the Government, made a speech so full of
+sound commonsense that Sir FREDERICK BANBURY hoped he would send a special
+copy of it to San Remo for the edification of the PRIME MINISTER.
+
+The rest of the evening was mainly taken up with the case of the Irish
+hunger-strikers. Mr. BONAR LAW was at first very stiff in his attitude,
+pointing out quite reasonably that if the Government found it necessary to
+intern people suspected of crime it was absurd to let them out again
+because they threatened to commit suicide. Several Members, English as well
+as Irish, thought that there was a case for differentiating between
+convicted prisoners and those who were merely under suspicion, and on the
+adjournment the Irish Attorney-General a little relieved the prevailing
+gloom by a hint that some modification of the prison-rules might be made on
+these lines.
+
+_Wednesday, April 14th._--The MINISTER OF HEALTH announced with some pride
+that under the Housing Acts passed last year no fewer than 1,346 dwellings
+had actually been completed, and twelve thousand more were in various
+stages of construction. But he showed no enthusiasm for the suggestion that
+be should extend the benefits of the Acts to others besides the "working
+classes," and flatly declined to attempt a definition of that ambiguous
+term. It is believed, however, that recent experience has convinced him
+that builders in general and bricklayers in particular cannot properly be
+so described.
+
+Mr. RENDALL'S attempt to get the House to pledge itself in advance to the
+full policy of Lord BUCKMASTER'S Divorce Bill was defeated. The main
+opposition came from Mr. RONALD MCNEILL, who sits for Canterbury and spoke
+with cathedral solemnity. Mr. MUNRO supported the Resolution, on the ground
+that Englishwomen ought not to be refused the advantages enjoyed by their
+Scotch sisters. Marriage in Scotland appears to resemble Glasgow--there are
+great facilities for getting away from it. But Lady ASTOR, hailing from a
+land where they are even greater, displayed no desire to jump to
+conclusions, and asked for an interval of five or ten years to make up her
+mind.
+
+[Illustration: AN EX-ADMIRALTY CRICHTON.
+
+DR. MACNAMARA EFFECTS A LABOUR EXCHANGE.]
+
+If the cheers that greeted Mr. MACPHERSON were meant to console him for his
+"Irishman's rise" in slipping down from the Chief Secretaryship to the
+Ministry of Pensions, they were assuredly superfluous. The supposed victim
+was obviously delighted to be rid of the responsibility for a policy which
+seems to grow more tangled every day. Only on Tuesday Mr. BONAR LAW was
+assuring the House that the Mountjoy hunger-strikers must be left to commit
+suicide if they chose; the Government could not release men suspected of
+grave crimes. This afternoon he announced that sixty-six of them had in
+fact been liberated on parole.
+
+The new Minister of Labour (late of the Admiralty) came on board again,
+looking none the worse for his strenuous exertions at Camberwell. He had a
+hearty welcome from all quarters of the House, which would hardly know
+itself without its "Dr. MAC."
+
+It is one thing to gain a seat in the House, but quite another thing to
+keep it, as Sir W. JOYNSON-HICKS has just discovered. Returning from a
+prolonged tour in foreign parts he found that his favourite corner-seat had
+been annexed by another Member. Determined to reclaim it, he visited the
+House at 8 A.M. and inserted his card; but on coming back to the House for
+prayers found that the usurper had substituted her own. Mr. T.P. O'CONNOR,
+with old-world chivalry, considered that the only lady-Member should be
+allowed to sit where she pleased; but the SPEAKER upheld the principle
+"first come, first served."
+
+On a Vote of twenty-seven millions for the expenses of the Ministry of
+Munitions Mr. HOPE told a flattering tale. The Department might be spending
+a lot of money, but it was making a great deal more; and he anticipated
+that the Disposals Board would hand over to the Exchequer this year
+something like a hundred millions, if not more. The Slough Depôt, he
+maintained, had been run at a profit and sold at a profit. The Ministry
+might have made some mistakes, but it represented a prodigious national
+effort, of which the historian would speak with amazement and praise.
+
+Unimpressed by this panegyric Sir DONALD MACLEAN intimated that he came to
+bury the Ministry and not to praise it. In his view its administration had
+been grossly extravagant. He demanded the full details of the Slough
+transaction and suggested that the Vote should be withdrawn until they were
+forthcoming. To this proposal Mr. HOPE, with more humility than I should
+have expected after the optimism of his earlier speech, ultimately agreed.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Our Animal Artist._ "THOSE CHICKENS I BOUGHT OFF YOU ARE NO
+GOOD TO ME."
+
+_Farmer._ "NO GOOD, SIR? WHAT'S WRONG WI' 'EM?"
+
+_Our Animal Artist._ "THEY'VE GOT NO EXPRESSION."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE LAND OF LOGIC.
+
+Let me tell you about my Nationalist friend, Gabal Osman Effendi.
+
+The circumstances of his brother's death, which were as follows, drove him
+into politics and made him a fervent advocate of "Egypt for the Egyptians."
+
+His brother was in a very humble way and lived in a little mud village.
+There he had a friend, yet poorer than himself, who only attained to
+prosperity when a plague fell on the village. The sanitary authorities put
+a cordon around it to prevent the spread of the plague, and hired this man
+among others to throw disinfectants and things into any drains that
+happened to exist. Thus Osman Effendi's brother's friend became a
+Government servant.
+
+Now Osman Effendi's brother had a sore leg. When he heard of his friend's
+new work he thought he saw a way to avoid any doctor's fees. So he went to
+him and said, "I hear that you are now a doctor." His friend, proud but
+truthful, said he was perhaps hardly that, but he was certainly put to
+administer drugs. Osman's brother pointed out that his leg was sore and
+suggested that it should be healed. The other looked doubtful, then
+produced a lump of his disinfectant. "This," said he, "is a powerful drug
+and, who knows? it may cure your leg." It was a friendly act; but Osman's
+brother swallowed the lump and shortly afterwards died.
+
+Osman Effendi at once brought an action for damages against the Government,
+on the ground that its servant had caused the death of his brother (whom,
+as a matter of fact, he himself had largely supported). The case was heard
+by a Court on which sat two Egyptian judges and one English, and the
+decision went against Osman. This convinced him of the injustice of the
+English.
+
+The Assize Court of Appeal, which visited the district and heard Osman
+Effendi's appeal against the first verdict, consisted of three Egyptian
+judges. It is true that the English judge who should have gone on Assize
+had fallen ill, and there was no other to take his place. But Osman Effendi
+saw in this too the malevolent hand of the English, who nourished a grudge
+against him. "How," he said, "can I obtain justice if there is no
+Englishman on the Court?"
+
+From that moment he has become an ultra-Nationalist, and has, I believe,
+been seen in the streets of Cairo shouting with the best of them the latest
+"English" catchword of "Long Live Egypt! Long Die MILNER!"
+
+He is, you see, an educated man.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Editor (to poet of somewhat dissolute habits who has been
+paid in advance for contributions which are not forthcoming)._ "I KNOW
+YOU'RE GOING TO THE DEVIL AS HARD AS YOU CAN; BUT YOU'VE GOT TO SING AS YOU
+GO."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+CONSOLIDATING THE EMPIRE.
+
+    "In honour of the visit to Napier of the Prince of Wales the roof of
+    the Borough Council offices is to be given a coat of paint."--_New
+    Zealand Paper._
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+"PERSONAL.
+
+    ARTHUR.--You idiot.--Irene."--_Times._
+
+Very "personal," we should say.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "Sir Auckland and Lady Geddes left London last Saturday for the Untied
+    States."--_Irish Paper._
+
+It is only fair to add that they have not chosen this country for the sake
+of its easy Divorce Laws.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "Major. Christopher Lowther (CUCumberland, North) moved a new clause."
+    --_Provincial Paper._
+
+It was somewhere in this neighbourhood, we believe, that WORDSWORTH
+discovered his "winsome marrow."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "Though to-day is Primrose Day...."--_Daily Mirror, April 12th._
+
+At the risk of being thought behind the times, we ourselves deferred our
+celebration until April 19th as usual.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: "YOU SETTLE WITH HIM. YOU'RE CHAIRMAN OF THE
+ANTI-PROFITEERING COMMITTEE."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+AT THE PLAY.
+
+"BIRDS OF A FEATHER."
+
+It is nearly always a good thing for the author of a play to know what he
+is after, and if he can get his audience to follow him so much the better.
+It is quite possible that Mr. ESMOND had an idea in his head when he wrote
+_Birds of a Feather_, but if so he never let me get at it. Up to the very
+end I had no conception of what he was trying to illustrate, unless it was
+the trite theory that we are the creatures of our environment.
+
+That, at any rate, was how _Constance_ (of "the House of _Ussher_")
+explained her vagaries, though I couldn't see why. The daughter of a very
+rich Jew, whose Christian wife had run away from him, she was brought up in
+great comfort, which included the love of a peer's son, her father's
+secretary. It is true that her stern parent would not hear of their union;
+but that has no doubt happened to young heiresses before now without
+turning them into criminals. With _Constance_ however it seems to have been
+different. She had gathered from what she knew of her father's career that
+there must be easy ways of making money if you are not too scrupulous, so
+she forged his name for a thousand pounds with speculative intent. It was
+open to the old man to regard this as an act of filial piety, since it was
+an attempt, however crude, to follow the parental tradition; but apparently
+forgery had not been one of his foibles and he threatened her with the law
+unless she gave up the idea of marrying the secretary, now dismissed from
+his service.
+
+Meanwhile she has been carrying on a secret intrigue with that gentleman
+(she must have got this from her "Christian" mother), and when her father
+comes to know of it he suddenly exhibits an unsuspected gift of
+sentimentality ("My baby Con! my baby Con!" he sobs), and, in terror lest
+his ewe-lamb's name should be tainted by the breath of scandal, he offers
+his late secretary a heavy sum of money to make an honest woman of her. It
+sounds a little inconsistent, but of course there may have been a nice
+differentiation in the old rogue's mind between a moral and a criminal
+offence, in favour of the latter.
+
+As for _Constance_ I have seldom met a less seizable character. If she was
+the result of environment there was no visible sign to show how it infected
+her. We simply had to take Mr. ESMOND'S word for it. To me the ménage
+seemed to be of the most respectable. But, of course, you can always
+attribute anything to your surroundings. One environment is vicious and so
+drives you to vice; another is virtuous with the same effect. _Constance_
+might condemn hers, but it never had a chance with a girl like that.
+
+For myself it was not her viciousness that worried me, it was her
+vulgarity; and of this she seemed quite unconscious. Her speech abounded in
+second-rate colloquialisms. Was it her environment that taught her to say
+dreadful things like "Put that in your pipe and smoke it"? The cheap fun
+that she got out of a girl-friend who had made it a rule to pray for
+her was the kind of thing you would be sorry to find in a common
+boarding-school. And are gentlefolk in the habit of asking a man, as
+_Constance_ did, how it was that he ever came to get engaged to such a
+woman as the one of his choice? In Bayswater it simply isn't done.
+
+At the end of the First Act, after many trivialities and the waste of
+precious time over a description of certain characters that were presently
+to appear and endorse it, there was a sudden diversion. The professional
+card of a private detective was discovered in an arm-chair. No one seemed
+to know how it got there, and, as the curtain chose this moment to fall, we
+were left in a state of palpitation, wondering how we were to get through
+the interval with our curiosity unappeased. Ultimately it turned out that
+the detective was to be employed by _Miss Ussher_ (aunt) to verify her
+suspicions with regard to the morals of _Constance_. But I shall never get
+you to believe me when I say that the subject was not so much as touched
+again till the final Act.
+
+I have spoken of the incongruous stuff of which old _Jacob Ussher's_ heart
+was constructed. That strange organ was hard enough to make him give his
+daughter away to his secretary in the matter of the forgery; but when it
+came to a question of the exposure of her relations with her lover this
+same heart was found to be of the consistency of putty.
+
+I hope I shall not seem guilty of _Constance's_ indiscretion if I politely
+wonder how it was that so astute a judge as Miss MARIE LÖHR accepted this
+play. Actor-managers, of course, have been known to produce indifferent
+work for the sake of a good acting part for themselves. If that was her
+motive I think she must have imagined a fine subtlety in a character which
+was difficult only because it was loosely conceived. If she failed to make
+it plausible it was not for want of very adroit handling.
+
+In _Jacob Ussher_ Mr. ESMOND gave himself a most congenial part, in which
+he easily surpassed his achievement as author. Mr. TOZER as a slum-parson
+was extremely probable with his quiet sincerity. But our chief consolation
+came from Miss RACHEL DE SOLLA as the maiden aunt, a reactionary type of
+the most confirmed stolidity, with a weakness for diamonds and indigestion.
+Miss MARIE LÖHR had many clever things to say, but it didn't matter what
+Miss DE SOLLA said; her manner was irresistible.
+
+I must doubt, however, whether the excellent work of the actors will carry
+the play to success. Even its title is obscure. The only thing I know about
+"birds of a feather" is that they are supposed to "flock together"; and I
+have always been given to understand that the adage alludes to the mutual
+attraction of similar types. Nobody ever told me that it was meant to
+indicate that the sins of the father bird are liable to be reproduced in
+his chicken,
+
+ANNA PAVLOVA.
+
+She hasn't changed at all. Many Russian dancers have come and gone since
+last she was with us, but there is still none like her, none. Her perfect
+technique remains the least of her graces. The secret of her charm lies
+deeper, in the power to interpret and convey emotions in the language of
+her art. To watch her feet alone is to hear the shuddering sigh of her
+Dying Swan, but her whole body is alert to translate every nuance of her
+theme.
+
+She can draw beauty even from an anticlimax. Again and again in
+_Snowflakes_, when her partner withdrew the support of his hand, she poised
+for a moment, and, when the poise had to cease, covered her descent with
+the most fascinating gestures of head and arms.
+
+I liked her least (if one may talk of her like that) as the gipsy-girl in
+_Amarilla_; not that she failed in dramatic intensity but that jealous
+passion seems alien to her temperament as we have learned to know it. I
+think, however, that my judgment was tainted by her wig, which greatly
+distressed me.
+
+In M. VOLININE she has a very accomplished partner. His solo as a
+_Pierrot_, danced to a familiar air of DVORÁK'S, was the most delightful of
+"_divertissements_." Her other dancers, Russian and English, make up a
+really excellent company. The _presto furioso_ of the wild gipsy dance in
+_Amarilla_, to the exciting music of GLOZOUNOW and DRIGO, was a brilliant
+_tour de force_.
+
+My only complaint (apart from _Amarilla's_ wig) is that the programme's
+explanation of the motive of _Snowflakes_ was beyond me. "A little girl,"
+it says, "receives as a present a nut-cracker in the form of a doll. The
+doll is in reality a Prince who has been transformed by a bad fairy, but by
+an act of devotion to the little girl he is restored to life. He then leads
+his little friend and other children to the Kingdom of Pine-trees where the
+Christmas-tree was born." It is true that the music was from TSCHAIKOWSKI'S
+"Casse-Noisettes," and that the snow-scene was suggestive of Christmas-time;
+but there was no sign of a "nut-cracker in the form of a doll," or, if
+there was, I can't think how it escaped me, for I was watching with all
+my eyes.
+
+O.S.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: THE LANGUAGE OF LOVE.
+
+_Schoolboy_ (_after long pause_). "I SAY--ER--CAN YOU MOVE YOUR EARS?"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "Chaplain-Master Wanted on May 13th for one term to Teach Latin and
+    History in Upper School, coloris paribus a cricketer would be most
+    acceptable."--_Provincial Paper._
+
+"_Coloris paribus_" suggests faintly that the authorities hope to get a
+double-blue; but it looks as if he would have to spend most of the term in
+teaching Latin.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+BIRD CALLS.
+
+I.
+
+  The lark he trills his song on high,
+  A tiny speck on a wide blue sky;
+  "Tira-lir, it's sweet up here,
+  It's sweet up here, my dear, my dear."
+
+  The turtle-dove's in love and so
+  Is anxious all his world should know
+  And follow his example too:--
+  "Look at us two. Oh do, oh do."
+
+  Woodpeckers make their thirsty cry
+  Of "Pluie, pluie, pluie," to a sunlit sky;
+  But sure enough they have their way
+  For rain, rain, rain will fall next day.
+
+  The blackbird also craves a boon,
+  Says "Bring a cherry, bring a cherry, soon, soon, soon;"
+  And there in answer to his call
+  The cherry blooms on the garden wall.
+
+  The thrush of all the birds that sing
+  Of nests and little wives in Spring
+  Alone confides the secret way:--
+  "What does she _line_ it with? Why, clay."
+
+  The willow wren she sings a song
+  Just like her mate, though not so long,
+  But both sing in all winds and weathers,
+  "Sing to me; bring to me little brown feathers."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+SPRING AT KEW.
+
+I am not one of those who believe in going down to the country to look at
+this Spring of which there is so much talk. Wanting in business
+organisation and coherent effort, Spring in the country is a poor affair at
+the best; there may be half-a-dozen daffodils in flower in one spinney, but
+you have to tramp over two or three muddy fields after that to find a
+button-hole of primroses, and so onwards over a stile and a ditch to the
+place where the blackthorn has blossomed and the green woodpecker is
+pecking the greenwood tree.
+
+And very likely there are gates. Judging from statements in novels you
+might suppose a gate to be a bright and simple piece of mechanism, swung on
+by rosy-cheeked children and easily opened by Lord Hugo with his riding-crop
+so that Lady Hermione may jog through it on her practically priceless
+bay. That is quite wrong. It rests on the primary fallacy that gates are
+meant to be opened, whereas they are really meant to be kept shut. What
+actually happens when you want to open one is that you plunge halfway
+through a deep quagmire, climb on to a slippery stone, wrestle with a piece
+of hoop-iron, some barbed wire and some pieces of furze, lift the gate up
+by the bottom bar and wade through the rest of the quagmire carrying it on
+your shoulder.
+
+If you are riding like Lord Hugo you hook the fastening of the gate with
+the handle of your crop and make your horse shunt slowly backwards by
+applying the reverse clutch with your feet. As the gate refuses to give,
+you are, of course, drawn gently over the animal's head until you tumble
+into the bog like a man whose punt-pole is stuck in the bottom of the
+stream.
+
+That is why I like going down to Kew, where the Spring is tidy and
+concentrated, and there is a squared map, just like France, at the
+turnstile gate to direct you to the magnolia dump, and little notices
+pointing you to the Temperate Houses, though this is really unnecessary,
+because there are no licensed premises in the Gardens at Kew. All is quiet
+and calm. You are not even compelled to leave the gravel-walks and tread on
+the damp grass, unless you have a desire to go to the river's edge and see
+how stiffly the tail of the Duke of NORTHUMBERLAND'S stone lion sticks out
+on the further bank between the two peel towers from which his crossbowmen
+contemplate the Surrey marshes.
+
+I used to know a man who had mugged up all the trees and plants, so that
+when you said to him, "What a funny juniper that is over there, with blue
+peach-blossoms on it," he would reply, "You mean the _Pyrofoliata persica
+corylus_," and explain how it was first introduced into England by JEREMY
+TAYLOR in 1658. Then when you went up to look at the placard on the tree
+you not only found that he was perfectly right, but obtained the additional
+information that the wood was of a particularly hard and durable nature,
+and only used for making the heads of croquet mallets and the seats on the
+tops of motor omnibuses.
+
+I like this plan of putting placards upon trees, and I think it might well
+be carried out in the country too. There would be none of that standing
+about in the wet then, and arguing whether the thing is a beech or an oak,
+when all the time it is a horse-chestnut and laughing up its bark at you.
+
+One must not forget either at Kew the great conservatories, though I do not
+care for these so much because there are men in them watching to see that
+you do not pick the cactuses or the palms to put in your button-hole; nor
+the magnificent Pagoda, which accommodates the Observator, who watches for
+the flowers to come out, and the Curator, who writes appreciative little
+notices to stick on the beds; nor the piebald swans in the artificial lake.
+
+But the great glory of Kew is the Pump-room. It is surrounded by
+marble-topped tables and green seats, and I am aware that it is not called
+a Pump-room, though a noise proceeds from inside it very like the panting
+of a pump. They tell me that this is an hydraulic machine for washing up the
+cups and plates; but I do not believe them, because so many people who take
+tea round the Pump-room drink left-handed, as if the reverse side of the
+cup had belonged to somebody else.
+
+Anyhow it is a very jolly and democratic assemblage that sits and drinks
+tea under the trees and eats cakes that have no placard on them to say at
+what date they were introduced into England. Here you may see the
+prosperous docker with his wife and family sitting quite unostentatiously
+at the next table to the needy scientist who has come to make notes about
+the purple narcissi. And a little further on is the novelist who is getting
+local colour for his great rustic love-scene which he is going to say took
+place in the heart of Devonshire.
+
+But it was not for the purpose of providing you with tea and cakes that the
+Pump-room was founded. Just as you may read in your morning paper that the
+Honourable Miss Muffet has proceeded to Harrogate to take the waters, so it
+is with Kew. One goes to Kew to take the watercresses. I have found out by
+exhaustive inquiries from one of the waitresses that, though you may
+substitute rolls and butter for bread and margarine, and may have marmalade
+with either or both, and though it is optional to eat even the cakes with
+yellow sugar upon them, there is no way of evading the watercresses. There
+is a strong feeling amongst the waitresses that it is just these compulsory
+watercresses which have made us Englishmen what we are. The whole vast
+pleasure-ground really centres round them, and the reason why Londoners
+flock (as the papers say) to Kew is that they are hungry for the medicinal
+virtues of this aquaceous plant.
+
+After you have taken the watercresses you are allowed to wander about the
+Gardens again and look at QUEEN VICTORIA'S cottage, round which there is
+always an eager and admiring crowd examining it from every point of view
+and wondering what premium they would have to pay for it if it were on the
+market now. And then you will want to go home and be unable to find the
+gate; but after a little time the Observator will observe you with his
+telescope from the top of the Pagoda and mention it to the Curator, who
+will direct a bronzed and amiable man in a blue uniform to lead you to the
+turnstile.
+
+I am told that there are some people who do not care to sample their Spring
+at Kew or in the country either, but prefer to go to San Remo or spend
+Saturday afternoon toiling in their own back-garden. Let them mind their
+peas, I say, while I go down to Kew.
+
+EVOE.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE CAUTIOUS AMORIST
+
+(_Showing the effect of official phraseology on love-letters._)
+
+  Dearest Mary, this delay
+  In the fixing of the day
+  Drives all happiness away
+        From my ken.
+  If you _only_ will decide
+  When you'll be my blushing bride
+  You will see me glorified--
+        If and when.
+
+  They have promised me a rise
+  When the senior partner dies;
+  He is eighty and he lies
+        Very ill;
+  But until you seal your "Yes"
+  By a notice in the Press
+  I shall not feel safe--unless
+        And until.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "Bicycles of old-fashioned design acquired a new lease of life, and
+    took to the road, where they were joined by pony traps in which father,
+    mother and many children, all with crimped hair and white pinafores,
+    were tightly packed."--_Daily Paper_.
+
+Father, we are told, looked a perfect darling.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: THE RULING PASSION.
+
+_Absentee._ "I WAS PLAYING FOOT-BA' IN THE STREET, AND THE POLICE TOOK AND
+LOCKED ME UP FOR FOUR HOURS."
+
+_Teacher._ "DID YOU GET ANYTHING TO EAT?"
+
+_Absentee._ "AY--A HARD ROLL."
+
+_Teacher_. "WHAT DID YOU DO WITH IT?"
+
+_Absentee_. "PLAYED FOOT-BA'."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+OUR BOOKING-OFFICE.
+
+(_By Mr. Punch's Staff of Learned Clerks._)
+
+The title, somewhat puzzling at first, which Miss F.E. MILLS YOUNG has
+given to her latest story, _The Almonds of Life_ (HODDER AND STOUGHTON),
+turns out to be based upon a Chinese proverb to the effect that "almonds
+came to those who have no teeth." This rather devastating sample of
+philosophy (which I have put by for use against the next person who
+attempts to work off upon me the adage about those who wait) forms the text
+of a well-told tale of misplaced affections. As you may expect, if you know
+Miss YOUNG'S former work, it is a South African story, not concerned
+however with Boers and natives and the trackless veld, but with coastwise
+civilization and suburban garden-parties. As before, the author excellently
+conveys the place-feeling, so well indeed that I was sorry when the love
+intrigues of the two protagonists necessitated their quitting Africa for a
+more conventional Italian setting. I may summarise the plot by telling you
+that the particular almond that fell too late to the heroine was somebody
+else's husband. But it wasn't so much that she was unable to eat him as
+that he proved indigestible when swallowed. The lady was _Gerda_, young and
+dazzling bride of the middle-aged _Fred Wooten_, and the gentleman one of
+her husband's closest friends, also (before the arrival of _Gerda_) happily
+married to a wife whom I found the most attractive person in the book. I
+need not further detail the crooked course of untrue love, though I may
+hint at a fault in balance, where your sympathy, previously and rightly
+enlisted for poor betrayed _Fred_, is demanded for _Gerda_ in her
+difficulty with the almond. As usual, Miss YOUNG unfolds her plot with
+admirable directness, chiefly through a natural and unforced dialogue, so
+easy that it disguises its own art.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+If any reasonable man still possesses a grain of sympathy with Bolshevism I
+invite him to purge himself by reading _With the "Die-Hards" in Siberia_
+(CASSELL). In August, 1918, Colonel JOHN WARD, M.P., reached Vladivostok in
+command of the 25th Battalion Middlesex Regiment, and from the time of his
+arrival until his departure nearly a year later his position was almost
+grotesquely difficult. Of our Allies in Siberia and of their policy he
+writes with justifiable frankness. Our own is not excused, but he lets us
+clearly see that however ineffectual it may have been there was honesty of
+purpose underlying it. In the medley of confusion which prevailed we were
+lucky to have in Colonel WARD as senior British officer a man who was not
+afraid to shoulder his responsibility. Under conditions so exasperating
+that anyone might have been excused if he had been overwhelmed with anger
+and bewilderment he was resolved to uphold our prestige. Upon the
+Bolshevist horrors in Siberia he does not dwell, but he says enough in
+passing to make one shudder. Colonel WARD is a true friend of Russia. "This
+great people are bound to recover, and become all the stronger for their
+present trials," are the concluding words of his preface. That this
+prophecy may come true must be the prayer of all of us who remember what we
+owed to Russia during the earlier part of the War.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+It was perhaps my misfortune that, not having read the book in which Mr.
+EDGAR RICE BURROUGHS recorded the earlier adventures of his hero, _John
+Carter_, in the red planet Mars, when that gentleman precipitated himself
+thither (from the banks of the Hudson, of all places), I found myself in
+more senses than one out of my element. Not that it really matters; since
+the Martian existence of _Mr. Carter_ was apparently of that wild and
+whirling character, familiar to patrons of the Continuous Programme, in
+which one thrill follows upon another so fast that their precise order
+becomes of small moment. When I tell you that the opening chapters of this
+remarkable nightmare--_The Gods of Mars_ (METHUEN)--contain monsters with
+one white eye and mouths in their hands, flying pirates, an air-ship that
+sinks down a volcano, an ageless witch who--but why continue? The
+publishers call these happenings "bold;" but this is a pitiful
+understatement. Really they are of a character to make the wildest
+imaginings of JULES VERNE, friend of my youth, or Mr. WELLS, companion of
+my riper years, read like the peaceful annals of a country rectory. To
+quote again from the publishers, "only the man who created _Tarzan_ could
+write such stories." If _Tarzan_ were in any way comparable with the
+present volume, it would perhaps not be unfair to add the corollary that
+only those readers who appreciated the one could swallow the other.
+Mercifully, Mr. BURROUGHS writes so continually at the top of his voice
+that after a time the clatter comes to have an effect merely soporific.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Since Major-General Sir C.E. CALLWELL has, in _The Dardanelles_
+(CONSTABLE), added a volume to a series called _Campaigns and Their
+Lessons_, it is clear that he is writing mainly for military students, but
+none the less at least one man in the street--meaning myself--has been
+glad, after reading plenty of merely descriptive accounts of the Gallipoli
+affair, to find a book that frankly and justifiably does lay claim to
+technical proficiency. The exponents of vivid narrative, modestly
+disclaiming expert knowledge, have been painfully liable to break off just
+short of what one wanted most to know. They told us how things happened,
+or, at any rate, how it seemed they happened, but the reason why of things
+they had to leave to others. In this book we really do get at the why, and
+even more the why not, of the magnificent failure. Of actual incident and
+human interest General CALLWELL'S account, which in a sense is only
+supplementary to the others, adds little to our previous knowledge. The
+only point of the sort I picked up is his notice of the characteristic
+reluctance shown by Anzacs to report themselves as sick when urged to do so
+with a view to the gradual removal of troops without withdrawal of entire
+units. It is hardly necessary to add that the author is an old literary
+hand, with a pleasantly clear and luminous style of his own, though one is
+free to admit he splits his infinitives almost as much as Sir IAN HAMILTON
+split his forces, and with less justification.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+In the very improving books which I had to read long ago the hero or
+heroine usually had a cross to bear. They bore it with great fortitude, and
+frequently died young. When therefore I opened Mr. JEROME K. JEROME'S _All
+Roads Lead to Calvary_ (HUTCHINSON) I fancied I knew what to expect. I read
+that _Joan Allway_ was possessed of remarkable beauty, a "Stevensonian
+touch" and suitable introductions to editors and newspaper proprietors, and
+that from the pulpit of a column in the evening Press, with her photograph
+at the top, she attempted to reform the world. I don't know how the
+photograph came out, but there was apparently no martyrdom so far.
+Afterwards she began to encourage and inspire _Robert Phillips_, a Labour
+M.P. and future Cabinet Minister, and at the same time to be kind to and
+educate _Mrs. Phillips_, who was good-natured, vulgar and middle-aged.
+Falling gradually in love with the politician, she withdrew only just in
+time, nursed in a French hospital, married a journalist friend and settled
+down happily with him to reform a little bit of the world at a time, and
+that the part nearest to hand. And now I am left wondering what _Joan
+Allway's_ cross was. Would avoiding the Divorce Court be counted the
+roughest path of self-denial in a moral anecdote of to-day?
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+_Running Wild_ (SIMPKIN) is the expressive title of a collection of
+child-memories by the late Mr. BERTRAM SMITH, whom readers of _Punch_ will
+remember by the pseudonym "BIS." They can here learn from a sympathetic
+little introduction by Mr. WARD MUIR under what conditions of a brave but
+losing battle with ill-health this delicate and vivacious work was written.
+When I say that these recollections (which I decline to call by any word
+implying more artifice) illustrate their author, I give you their measure
+for honesty and charm combined. Honesty first of all; Mr. SMITH'S young
+barbarians running wild and, one conjectures, rapidly reducing their elders
+to a like condition, have the compelling effect of unsentimental truth. Few
+clouds of glory, for example, trail about the protagonists of "A Day," a
+tribute to the joyous intoxication of a day-long orgie of naughtiness
+deliberate and wholly unrepented. You will find much in these pages to
+waken half-forgotten and perhaps secret pleasures. Thus there was for
+me a personal echo in the rejection as a seaside entertainment of
+castle-building and the ordered sequence of the tides in favour of the
+infinitely more variable delight of running water and a sufficiency of mud.
+Perhaps I have said enough to suggest the charm of an engaging volume,
+itself a memorial of one whose kindly laughter will be missed by many.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Young Alf._ "CHUCK IT, JIMMY. 'E AIN'T GOT A KIND FACE."]
+
+
+
+
+
+
+End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Volume
+158, April 21, 1920, by Various
+
+*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH, OR THE LONDON ***
+
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