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diff --git a/.gitattributes b/.gitattributes new file mode 100644 index 0000000..6833f05 --- /dev/null +++ b/.gitattributes @@ -0,0 +1,3 @@ +* text=auto +*.txt text +*.md text diff --git a/1613-0.txt b/1613-0.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..0d35ecb --- /dev/null +++ b/1613-0.txt @@ -0,0 +1,8764 @@ +The Project Gutenberg EBook of Count Bunker, by J. Storer Clouston + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: Count Bunker + Being a Bald yet Veracious Chronicle Containing some Further + Particulars of Two Gentlemen Whose Previous Careers Were + Touched Upon in a Tome Entitled “The Lunatic At Large” + +Author: J. Storer Clouston + +Posting Date: September 26, 2008 [EBook #1613] +Release Date: January, 1999 +Last Updated: March 15, 2018 + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: UTF-8 + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK COUNT BUNKER *** + + + + +Produced by Charles Keller + + + + + +COUNT BUNKER + +Being A Bald Yet Veracious Chronicle Containing Some Further Particulars +Of Two Gentlemen Whose Previous Careers Were Touched Upon In A Tome +Entitled “The Lunatic At Large” + +By J. Storer Clouston + + + + +COUNT BUNKER + + + +CHAPTER I + +It is only with the politest affectation of interest, as a rule, +that English Society learns the arrival in its midst of an ordinary +Continental nobleman; but the announcement that the Baron Rudolph von +Blitzenberg had been appointed attache to the German embassy at the +Court of St. James was unquestionably received with a certain flutter of +excitement. That his estates were as vast as an average English county, +and his ancestry among the noblest in Europe, would not alone perhaps +have arrested the attention of the paragraphists, since acres and +forefathers of foreign extraction are rightly regarded as conferring +at the most a claim merely to toleration. But in addition to these +he possessed a charming English wife, belonging to one of the +most distinguished families in the peerage (the Grillyers of +Monkton-Grillyer), and had further demonstrated his judgment by +purchasing the winner of the last year's Derby, with a view to improving +the horse-flesh of his native land. + +From a footnote attached to the engraving of the Baron in a Homburg hat +holding the head of the steed in question, which formed the principal +attraction in several print-sellers' windows in Piccadilly, one gathered +that though his faculties had been cultivated and exercised in every +conceivable direction, yet this was his first serious entrance into the +diplomatic world. There was clearly, therefore, something unusual +about the appointment; so that it was rumored, and rightly, that an +international importance was to be attached to the incident, and a +delicate compliment to be perceived in the selection of so popular a +link between the Anglo-Saxon and the Teutonic peoples. Accordingly “Die +Wacht am Rhein” was played by the Guards' band down the entire length +of Ebury Street, photographs of the Baroness appeared in all the leading +periodicals, and Society, after its own less demonstrative but equally +sincere fashion, prepared to welcome the distinguished visitors. + +They arrived in town upon a delightful day in July, somewhat late in +the London season, to be sure, yet not too late to be inundated with a +snowstorm of cards and invitations to all the smartest functions that +remained. For the first few weeks, at least, you would suppose the Baron +to have no time for thought beyond official receptions and unofficial +dinners; yet as he looked from his drawing-room windows into the gardens +of Belgrave Square upon the second afternoon since they had settled into +this great mansion, it was not upon such functions that his fancy ran. +Nobody was more fond of gaiety, nobody more appreciative of purple and +fine linen, than the Baron von Blitzenberg; but as he mused there he +began to recall more and more vividly, and with an ever rising pleasure, +quite different memories of life in London. Then by easy stages regret +began to cloud this reminiscent satisfaction, until at last he sighed-- + +“Ach, my dear London! How moch should I enjoy you if I were free!” + +For the benefit of those who do not know the Baron either personally or +by repute, he may briefly be described as an admirably typical Teuton. +When he first visited England (some five years previously) he stood +for Bavarian manhood in the flower; now, you behold the fruit. As +magnificently mustached, as ruddy of skin, his eye as genial, and his +impulses as hearty; he added to-day to these two more stone of Teutonic +excellences incarnate. + +In his ingenuous glance, as in the more rounded contour of his +waistcoat, you could see at once that fate had dealt kindly with him. +Indeed, to hear him sigh was so unwonted an occurrence that the Baroness +looked up with an air of mild surprise. + +“My dear Rudolph,” said she, “you should really open the window. You are +evidently feeling the heat.” + +“No, not ze heat,” replied the Baron. + +He did not turn his head towards her, and she looked at him more +anxiously. + +“What is it, then? I have noticed a something strange about you ever +since we landed at Dover. Tell me, Rudolph!” + +Thus adjured, he cast a troubled glance in her direction. He saw a face +whose mild blue eyes and undetermined mouth he still swore by as the +standard by which to try all her inferior sisters, and a figure whose +growing embonpoint yearly approached the outline of his ideal hausfrau. +But it was either St. Anthony or one of his fellow-martyrs who observed +that an occasional holiday from the ideal is the condiment in the +sauce of sanctity; and some such reflection perturbed the Baron at this +moment. + +“It is nozing moch,” he answered. + +“Oh, I know what it is. You have grown so accustomed to seeing the same +people, year after year--the Von Greifners, and Rosenbaums, and all +those. You miss them, don't you? Personally, I think it a very good +thing that you should go abroad and be a diplomatist, and not stay in +Fogelschloss so much; and you'll soon make loads of friends here. Mother +comes to us next week, you know.” + +“Your mozzer is a nice old lady,” said the Baron slowly. “I respect her, +Alicia; bot it vas not mozzers zat I missed just now.” + +“What was it?” + +“Life!” roared the Baron, with a sudden outburst of thundering +enthusiasm that startled the Baroness completely out of her composure. +“I did have fun for my money vunce in London. Himmel, it is too hot to +eat great dinners and to vear clothes like a monkey-jack.” + +“Like a what?” gasped the Baroness. + +To hear the Baron von Blitzenberg decry the paraphernalia and splendors +of his official liveries was even more astonishing than his remarkable +denunciation of the pleasures of the table, since to dress as well +as play the part of hereditary grandee had been till this minute his +constant and enthusiastic ambition. + +“A meat-jack, I mean--or a--I know not vat you call it. Ach, I vant a +leetle fun, Alicia.” + +“A little fun,” repeated the Baroness in a breathless voice. “What kind +of fun?” + +“I know not,” said he, turning once more to stare out of the window. + +To this dignified representative of a particularly dignified State +even the trees of Belgrave Square seemed at that moment a trifle too +conventionally perpendicular. If they would but dance and wave their +boughs he would have greeted their greenness more gladly. A good-looking +nursemaid wheeled a perambulator beneath their shade, and though she +never looked his way, he took a wicked pleasure in surreptitiously +closing first one eye and then the other in her direction. This might +not entirely satisfy the aspirations of his soul, yet it seemed to serve +as some vent for his pent-up spirit. He turned to his spouse with a +pleasantly meditative air. + +“I should like to see old Bonker vunce more,” he observed. + +“Bunker? You mean Mr. Mandell-Essington?” said she, with an apprehensive +note in her voice. + +“To me he vill alvays be Bonker.” + +The Baroness looked at him reproachfully. + +“You promised me, Rudolph, you would see as little as possible of Mr. +Essington.” + +“Oh, ja, as leetle--as possible,” answered the Baron, though not with +his most ingenuous air. “Besides, it is tree years since I promised. +For tree years I have seen nozing. My love Alicia, you vould not have me +forget mine friends altogezzer?” + +But the Baroness had too vivid a recollection of their last (and only) +visit to England since their marriage. By a curious coincidence that +also was three years ago. + +“When you last met you remember what happened?” she asked, with an +ominous hint of emotion in her accents. + +“My love, how often have I eggsplained? Zat night you mean, I did +schleep in mine hat because I had got a cold in my head. I vas not +dronk, no more zan you. Vat you found in my pocket vas a mere joke, +and ze cabman who called next day vas jost vat I told him to his ogly +face--a blackmail.” + +“You gave him money to go away.” + +“A Blitzenberg does not bargain mit cabmen,” said the Baron loftily. + +His wife's spirits began to revive. There seemed to speak the owner of +Fogelschloss, the haughty magnate of Bavaria. + +“You have too much self-respect to wish to find yourself in such a +position again,” she said. “I know you have, Rudolph!” + +The Baron was silent. This appeal met with distinctly less response than +she confidently counted upon. In a graver note she inquired-- + +“You know what mother thinks of Mr. Essington?” + +“Your mozzer is a vise old lady, Alicia; but we do not zink ze same on +all opinions.” + +“She will be exceedingly displeased if you--well, if you do anything +that she THOROUGHLY disapproves of.” + +The Baron left the window and took his wife's plump hand affectionately +within his own broad palm. + +“You can assure her, my love, zat I shall never do vat she dislikes. You +vill say zat to her if she inquires?” + +“Can I, truthfully?” + +“Ach, my own dear!” + +From his enfolding arms she whispered tenderly-- + +“Of course I will, Rudolph!” + +With a final hug the embrace abruptly ended, and the Baron hastily +glanced at his watch. + +“Ach, nearly had I forgot! I must go to ze club for half an hour.” + +“Must you?” + +“To meet a friend.” + +“What friend?” asked the Baroness quickly. + +“A man whose name you vould know vell--oh, vary vell known he is! But +in diplomacy, mine Alicia, a quiet meeting in a club is sometimes better +not to be advertised too moch. Great wars have come from one vord +of indiscretion. You know ze axiom of Bismarck--'In diplomacy it is +necessary for a diplomatist to be diplomatic.' Good-by, my love.” + +He bowed as profoundly as if she were a reigning sovereign, blew an +affectionate kiss as he went through the door, and then descended the +stairs with a rapidity that argued either that his appointment was +urgent or that diplomacy shrank from a further test within this mansion. + + + +CHAPTER II + +For the last year or two the name of Rudolph von Blitzenberg had +appeared in the members' list of that most exclusive of institutions, +the Regent's Club, Pall Mall; and it was thither he drove on this fine +afternoon of July. At no resort in London were more famous personages +to be found, diplomatic and otherwise, and nothing would have been +more natural than a meeting between the Baron and a European celebrity +beneath its roof; so that if you had seen him bounding impetuously up +the steps, and noted the eagerness with which he inquired whether a +gentleman had called for him, you would have had considerable excuse +for supposing his appointment to be with a dignitary of the highest +importance. + +“Goot!” he cried on learning that a stranger was indeed waiting for +him. His face beamed with anticipatory joy. Aha! he was not to be +disappointed. + +“Vill he be jost the same?” he wondered. “Ah, if he is changed I shall +veep!” + +He rushed into the smoking-room, and there, instead of any bald +notability or spectacled statesman, there advanced to meet him a merely +private English gentleman, tolerably young, undeniably good-looking, and +graced with the most debonair of smiles. + +“My dear Bonker!” cried the Baron, crimsoning with joy. “Ach, how +pleased I am!” + +“Baron!” replied his visitor gaily. “You cannot deceive me--that +waistcoat was made in Germany! Let me lead you to a respectable tailor!” + +Yet, despite his bantering tone, it was easy to see that he took an +equal pleasure in the meeting. + +“Ha, ha!” laughed the Baron, “vot a fonny zing to say! Droll as ever, +eh?” + +“Five years less droll than when we first met,” said the late Bunker and +present Essington. “You meet a dullish dog, Baron--a sobered reveller.” + +“Ach, no! Not surely? Do not disappoint me, dear Bonker!” + +The Baron's plaintive note seemed to amuse his friend. + +“You don't mean to say you actually wish a boon companion? You, Baron, +the modern Talleyrand, the repository of three emperors' secrets? My +dear fellow, I nearly came in deep mourning.” + +“Mourning! For vat?” + +“For our lamented past: I supposed you would have the air of a +Nonconformist beadle.” + +“My friend!” said the Baron eagerly, and yet with a lowering of his +voice, “I vould not like to engage a beadle mit jost ze same feelings +as me. Come here to zis corner and let us talk! Vaiter! +whisky--soda--cigars--all for two. Come, Bonker!” + +Stretched in arm-chairs, in a quiet corner of the room, the two surveyed +one another with affectionate and humorous interest. For three years +they had not seen one another at all, and save once they had not met +for five. In five years a man may change his religion or lose his hair, +inherit a principality or part with a reputation, grow a beard or +turn teetotaler. Nothing so fundamental had happened to either of our +friends. The Baron's fullness of contour we have already noticed; in +Mandell-Essington, EX Bunker, was to be seen even less evidence of +the march of time. But years, like wheels upon a road, can hardly pass +without leaving in their wake some faint impress, however fair the +weather, and perhaps his hair lay a fraction of an inch higher up the +temple, and in the corners of his eyes a hint might even be discerned of +those little wrinkles that register the smiles and frowns. Otherwise +he was the same distinguished-looking, immaculately dressed, supremely +self-possessed, and charming Francis Bunker, whom the Baron's memory +stored among its choicer possessions. + +“Tell me,” demanded the Baron, “vat you are doing mit yourself, mine +Bonker.” + +“Doing?” said Essington, lighting his cigar. “Well, my dear Baron, I am +endeavoring to live as I imagine a gentleman should.” + +“And how is zat?” + +“Riding a little, shooting a little, and occasionally telling the truth. +At other times I cock a wise eye at my modest patrimony, now and then I +deliver a lecture with magic-lantern slides; and when I come up to town +I sometimes watch cricket-matches. A devilish invigorating programme, +isn't it?” + +“Ha, ha!” laughed the Baron again; he had come prepared to laugh, and +carried out his intention religiously. “But you do not feel more old and +sober, eh?” + +“I don't want to, but no man can avoid his destiny. The natives of this +island are a serious people, or if they are frivolous, it is generally a +trifle vulgarly done. The diversions of the professedly gay-hooting +over pointless badinage and speculating whose turn it is to get divorced +next--become in time even more sobering than a scientific study with +diagrams of how to breed pheasants or play golf. If some one would teach +us the simple art of being light-hearted he would deserve to be placed +along with Nelson on his monument.” + +“Oh, my dear vellow!” cried the Baron. “Do I hear zese kind of vords +from you?” + +“If you starved a city-full of people, wouldn't you expect to hear the +man with the biggest appetite cry loudest?” + +The Baron's face fell further and Essington laughed aloud. + +“Come, Baron, hang it! You of all people should be delighted to see me +a fellow-member of respectable society. I take you to be the type of the +conventional aristocrat. Why, a fellow who's been travelling in Germany +said to me lately, when I asked about you--'Von Blitzenberg,' said he, +'he's used as a simile for traditional dignity. His very dogs have to +sit up on their hind-legs when he inspects the kennels!'” + +The Baron with a solemn face gulped down his whisky-and-soda. + +“Zat is not true about my dogs,” he replied, “but I do confess my life +is vary dignified. So moch is expected of a Blitzenberg. Oh, ja, zere is +moch state and ceremony.” + +“And you seem to thrive on it.” + +“Vell, it does not destroy ze appetite,” the Baron admitted; “and it +is my duty so to live at Fogelschloss, and I alvays vish to do my duty. +But, ach, sometimes I do vant to kick ze trace!” + +“You mean you would want to if it were not for the Baroness?” + +Bunker smiled whimsically; but his friend continued as simply serious as +ever. + +“Alicia is ze most divine woman in ze world--I respect her, Bonker, I +love her, I gonsider her my better angel; but even in Heaven, I suppose, +peoples sometimes vould enjoy a stroll in Piccadeelly, or in some vay +to exercise ze legs and shout mit excitement. No doubt you zink it +unaccountable and strange--pairhaps ungrateful of me, eh?” + +“On the contrary, I feel as I should if I feared this cigar had gone out +and then found it alight after all.” + +“You say so! Ah, zen I will have more boldness to confess my heart! +Bonker, ven I did land in England ze leetle thought zat vould rise +vas--'Ze land of freedom vunce again! Here shall I not have to be +alvays ze Baron von Blitzenberg, oldest noble in Bavaria, hereditary +carpet-beater to ze Court! I vill disguise and go mit old Bonker for a +frolic!'” + +“You touch my tenderest chord, Baron!” + +“Goot, goot, my friend!” cried the Baron, warming to his work of +confession like a penitent whose absolution is promised in advance; “you +speak ze vords I love to hear! Of course I vould not be vicked, and +I vould not disgrace myself; but I do need a leetle exercise. Is it +possible?” + +Essington sprang up and enthusiastically shook his hand. + +“Dear Baron, you come like a ray of sunshine through a London fog--like +a moulin rouge alighting in Carlton House Terrace! I thought my own +leaves were yellowing; I now perceive that was only an autumnal change. +Spring has returned, and I feel like a green bay tree!” + +“Hoch, hoch!” roared the Baron, to the great surprise of two Cabinet +Ministers and a Bishop who were taking tea at the other side of the +room. “Vat shall ve do to show zere is no sick feeling?” + +“H'm,” reflected Essington, with a comical look. “There's a lot of +scaffolding at the bottom of St. James's Street. Should we have it down +to-night? Or what do you say to a packet of dynamite in the two-penny +tube?” + +The Baron sobered down a trifle. + +“Ach, not so fast, not qvite so fast, dear Bonker. Remember I must not +get into troble at ze embassy.” + +“My dear fellow, that's your pull. Foreign diplomatists are +police-proof!” + +“Ah, but my wife!” + +“One stormy hour--then tears and forgiveness!” + +The Baron lowered his voice. + +“Her mozzer vill visit us next veek. I loff and respect Lady Grillyer; +but I should not like to have to ask her for forgiveness.” + +“Yes, she has rather an uncompromising nose, so far as I remember.” + +“It is a kind nose to her friends, Bonker,” the Baron explained, “but +severe towards----” + +“Myself, for instance,” laughed Essington. “Well, what do you suggest?” + +“First, zat you dine mit me to-night. No, I vill take no refusal! +Listen! I am now meeting a distinguished person on important +international business--do you pairceive? Ha, ha, ha! To-night it vill +be necessary ve most dine togezzer. I have an engagement, but he can be +put off for soch a great person as the man I am now meeting at ze club! +You vill gom?” + +“I should have been delighted--only unluckily I have a man dining with +me. I tell you what! You come and join us! Will you?” + +“If zat is ze only vay--yes, mit pleasure! Who is ze man?” + +“Young Tulliwuddle. Do you remember going to a dance at Lord +Tulliwuddle's, some five and a half years ago?” + +“Himmel! Ha, ha! Vell do I remember!” + +“Well, our host of that evening died the other day, and this fellow is +his heir--a second or third cousin whose existence was so displeasing to +the old peer that he left him absolutely nothing that wasn't entailed, +and never said 'How-do-you-do?' to him in his life. In consequence, he +may not entertain you as much as I should like.” + +“If he is your friend, I shall moch enjoy his society!” + +“I am flattered, but hardly convinced. Tulliwuddle's intellect is +scarcely of the sparkling kind. However, come and try.” + +The hour, the place, were arranged; a reminiscence or two exchanged; +fresh suggestions thrown out for the rejuvenation of a Bavarian magnate; +another baronial laugh shook the foundations of the club; and then, as +the afternoon was wearing on, the Baron hailed a cab and galloped for +Belgrave Square, and the late Mr. Bunker sauntered off along Pall Mall. + +“Who can despair of human nature while the Baron von Blitzenberg adorns +the earth?” he reflected. “The discovery of champagne and the invention +of summer holidays were minor events compared with his descent from +Olympus!” + +He bought a button-hole at the street corner and cocked his hat, more +airily than ever. + +“A volcanic eruption may inspire one to succor humanity, a wedding to +condole with it, and a general election to warn it of its folly; but the +Baron inspires one to amuse!” + +Meanwhile that Heaven-sent nobleman, with a manner enshrouded in +mystery, was comforting his wife. + +“Ah, do not grieve, mine Alicia! No doubt ze Duke vill be disappointed +not to see us to-night, but I have telegraphed. Ja, I have said I had so +important an affair. Ach, do not veep! I did not know you wanted so moch +to dine mit ze old Duke. I sopposed you vould like a quiet evening at +home. But anyhow I have now telegraphed--and my leetle dinner mit my +friend--Ach, it is so important zat I most rosh and get dressed. Cheer +up, my loff! Good-by!” + +He paused in answer to a tearful question. + +“His name? Alas, I have promised not to say. You vould not have a +European war by my indiscretion?” + + + +CHAPTER III + +With mirrors reflecting a myriad lights, with the hum of voices, the +rustle of satin and lace, the hurrying steps of waiters, the bubbling +of laughter, of life, and of wine--all these on each side of them, and +a plate, a foaming glass, and a friend in front, the Baron and his host +smiled radiantly down upon less favored mortals. + +“Tulliwuddle is very late,” said Essington; “but he's a devilish casual +gentleman in all matters.” + +“I am selfish enoff to hope he vill not gom at all!” exclaimed the +Baron. + +“Unfortunately he has had the doubtful taste to conceive a curiously +high opinion of myself. I am afraid he won't desert us. But I don't +propose that we shall suffer for his slackness. Bring the fish, waiter.” + +The Baron was happy; and that is to say that his laughter re-echoed +from the shining mirrors, his tongue was loosed, his heart expanded, his +glass seemed ever empty. + +“Ach, how to make zis joie de vivre to last beyond to-night!” he cried. +“May ze Teufel fly off mit of offeecial duties and receptions and--and +even mit my vife for a few days.” + +“My dear Baron!” + +“To Alicia!” cried the Baron hastily, draining his glass at the toast. +“But some fun first!” + + “'I could not love thee, dear, so well, + Loved I not humor more!'” + +misquoted his host gaily. “Ah!” he added, “here comes Tulliwuddle.” + +A young man, with his hands in his pockets and an eyeglass in his eye, +strolled up to their table. + +“I'm beastly sorry for being so late,” said he; “but I'm hanged if +I could make up my mind whether to risk wearing one of these frilled +shirt-fronts. It's not bad, I think, with one's tie tied this way. What +do you say?” + +“It suits you like a halo,” Essington assured him. “But let me introduce +you to my friend the Baron Rudolph von Blitzenberg.” + +Lord Tulliwuddle bowed politely and took the empty chair; but it was +evident that his attention could not concentrate itself upon sublunary +matters till the shirt-front had been critically inspected and +appreciatively praised by his host. Indeed, it was quite clear that +Essington had not exaggerated his regard for himself. This admiration +was perhaps the most pleasing feature to be noted on a brief +acquaintance with his lordship. He was obviously intended neither for a +strong man of action nor a great man of thought. A tolerable appearance +and considerable amiability he might no doubt claim; but unfortunately +the effort to retain his eye-glass had apparently the effect of forcing +his mouth chronically open, which somewhat marred his appearance; while +his natural good-humor lapsed too frequently into the lamentations of +an idle man that Providence neglected him or that his creditors were too +attentive. + +It happens, however, that it is rather his circumstances than his person +which concern this history. And, briefly, these were something in +this sort. Born a poor relation and guided by no strong hand, he had +gradually seen himself, as Reverend uncles and Right Honorable cousins +died off, approach nearer and nearer to the ancient barony of Tulliwuddle +(created 1475 in the peerage of Scotland), until this year he had +actually succeeded to it. But after his first delight in this piece of +good fortune had subsided he began to realize in himself two notable +deficiencies very clearly, the lack of money, and more vaguely, the +want of any preparation for filling the shoes of a stately courtier +and famous Highland chieftain. He would often, and with considerable +feeling, declare that any ordinary peer he could easily have become, but +that being old Tulliwuddle's heir, by Gad! he didn't half like the job. + +At present he was being tolerated or befriended by a small circle of +acquaintances, and rapidly becoming a familiar figure to three or four +tailors and half a dozen door-keepers at the stage entrances to divers +Metropolitan theatres. In the circle of acquaintances, the humorous +sagacity of Essington struck him as the most astonishing thing he had +ever known. He felt, in fact, much like a village youth watching his +first conjuring performance, and while the whim lasted (a period which +Essington put down as probably six weeks) he would have gone the length +of paying a bill or ordering a tie on his recommendation alone. + +To-night the distinguished appearance and genial conversation of +Essington's friend impressed him more than ever with the advantages of +knowing so remarkable a personage. A second bottle succeeded the first, +and a third the second, the cordiality of the dinner growing all the +while, till at last his lordship had laid aside the last traces of his +national suspicion of even the most charming strangers. + +“I say, Essington,” he said, “I had meant to tell you about a devilish +delicate dilemma I'm in. I want your advice.” + +“You have it,” interrupted his host. “Give her a five-pound note, see +that she burns your letters, and introduce her to another fellow.” + +“But--er--that wasn't the thing----” + +“Tell him you'll pay in six months, and order another pair of trousers,” + said Essington, briskly as ever. + +“But, I say, it wasn't that----” + +“My dear Tulliwuddle, I never give racing tips.” + +“Hang it!” + +“What is the matter?” + +Tulliwuddle glanced at the Baron. + +“I don't know whether the Baron would be interested----” + +“Immensely, my goot Tollyvoddle! Supremely! hugely! I could be +interested to-night in a museum!” + +“The Baron's past life makes him a peculiarly catholic judge of +indiscretions,” said Essington. + +Thus reassured, Tulliwuddle began-- + +“You know I've an aunt who takes an interest in me--wants me to collar +an heiress and that sort of thing. Well, she has more or less arranged a +marriage for me.” + +“Fill your glasses, gentlemen!” cried Essington. + +“Hoch, hoch!” roared the Baron. + +“But, I say, wait a minute! That's only the beginning. I don't know the +girl--and she doesn't know me.” + +He said the last words in a peculiarly significant tone. + +“Do you wish me to introduce you?” + +“Oh, hang it! Be serious, Essington. The point is--will she marry me if +she does know me?” + +“Himmel! Yes, certainly!” cried the Baron. + +“Who is she?” asked their host, more seriously. + +“Her father is Darius P. Maddison, the American Silver King.” + +The other two could not withhold an exclamation. + +“He has only two children, a son and a daughter, and he wants to marry +his daughter to an English peer--or a Scotch, it's all the same. My aunt +knows 'em pretty well, and she has recommended me.” + +“An excellent selection,” commented his host. + +“But the trouble is, they want rather a high-class peer. Old Maddison is +deuced particular, and I believe the girl is even worse.” + +“What are the qualifications desired?” + +“Oh, he's got to be ambitious, and a promising young man--and elevated +tastes--and all that kind of nonsense.” + +“But you can be all zat if you try!” said the Baron eagerly. “Go to +Germany and get trained. I did vork twelve hours a day for ten years to +be vat I am.” + +“I'm different,” replied the young peer gloomily. “Nobody ever trained +me. Old Tulliwuddle might have taken me up if he had liked, but he was +prejudiced against me. I can't become all those things now.” + +“And yet you do want to marry the lady?” + +“My dear Essington, I can't afford to lose such a chance! One doesn't +get a Miss Maddison every day. She's a deuced handsome girl too, they +say.” + +“By Gad, it's worth a trip across the Atlantic to try your luck,” said +Essington. “Get 'em to guarantee your expenses and you'll at least learn +to play poker and see Niagara for nothing.” + +“They aren't in America. They've got a salmon river in Scotland, and +they are there now. It's not far from my place, Hechnahoul.” + +“She's practically in your arms, then?” + +“Ach. Ze affair is easy!” + +“Pipe up the clan and abduct her!” + +“Approach her mit a kilt!” + +But even those optimistic exhortations left the peer still melancholy. + +“It sounds all very well,” said he, “but my clansmen, as you call 'em, +would expect such a devil of a lot from me too. Old Tulliwuddle +spoiled them for any ordinary mortal. He went about looking like an +advertisement for whisky, and called 'em all by their beastly Gaelic +names. I have never been in Scotland in my life, and I can't do that +sort of thing. I'd merely make a fool of myself. If I'd had to go to +America it wouldn't have been so bad.” + +At this weak-kneed confession the Baron could hardly withhold an +exclamation of contempt, but Essington, with more sympathy, inquired-- + +“What do you propose to do, then?” + +His lordship emptied his glass. + +“I wish I had your brains and your way of carrying things off, +Essington!” he said, with a sigh. “If you got a chance of showing +yourself off to Miss Maddison she'd jump at you!” + +A gleam, inspired and humorous, leaped into Essington's eyes. The Baron, +whose glance happened at the moment to fall on him, bounded gleefully +from his seat. + +“Hoch!” he cried, “it is mine old Bonker zat I see before me! Vat have +you in your mind?” + +“Sit down, my dear Baron; that lady over there thinks you are preparing +to attack her. Shall we smoke? Try these cigars.” + +Throwing the Baron a shrewd glance to calm his somewhat alarming +exhilaration, their host turned with a graver air to his other guest. + +“Tulliwuddle,” said he, “I should like to help you.” + +“I wish to the deuce you could!” + +Essington bent over the table confidentially. + +“I have an idea.” + + + +CHAPTER IV + +The three heads bent forward towards a common centre--the Baron agog +with suppressed excitement, Tulliwuddle revived with curiosity and a +gleam of hope, Essington impressive and cool. + +“I take it,” he began, “that if Mr. Darius P. Maddison and his coveted +daughter could see a little of Lord Tulliwuddle--meet him at lunch, talk +to him afterwards, for instance--and carry away a favorable impression +of the nobleman, there would not be much difficulty in subsequently +arranging a marriage?” + +“Oh, none,” said Tulliwuddle. “They'd be only too keen, IF they approved +of me; but that's the rub, you know.” + +“So far so good. Now it appears to me that our modest friend here +somewhat underrates his own powers of fascination.” + +“Ach, Tollyvoddle, you do indeed,” interjected the Baron. + +“But since this idea is so firmly established in his mind that it may +actually prevent him from displaying himself to the greatest advantage, +and since he has been good enough to declare that he would regard with +complete confidence my own chances of success were I in his place, I +would propose--with all becoming diffidence--that _I_ should interview +the lady and her parent instead of him.” + +“A vary vise idea, Bonker,” observed the Baron. + +“What!” said Tulliwuddle. “Do you mean that you would go and crack me +up, and that sort of thing?” + +“No; I mean that I should enjoy a temporary loan of your name and of +your residence, and assure them by a personal inspection that I have a +sufficient assortment of virtues for their requirements.” + +“Splendid!” shouted the Baron. “Tollyvoddle, accept zis generous offer +before it is too late!” + +“But,” gasped the diffident nobleman, “they would find out the next time +they saw me.” + +“If the business is properly arranged, that would only be when you came +out of church with her. Look here--what fault have you to find with this +scheme? I produce the desired impression, and either propose at once and +am accepted----” + +“H'm,” muttered Tulliwuddle doubtfully. + +“Or I leave things in such good train that you can propose and get +accepted afterwards by letter.” + +“That's better,” said Tulliwuddle. + +“Then, by a little exercise of our wits, you find an excuse for hurrying +on the marriage--have it a private affair for family reasons, and so +on. You will be prevented by one excuse or another from meeting the lady +till the wedding-day. We shall choose a darkish church, you will have a +plaster on your face--and the deed is done!” + +“Not a fault can I find,” commented the Baron sagely. “Essington, I +congratulate you.” + +Between his complete confidence in Essington and the Baron's unqualified +commendation, Lord Tulliwuddle was carried away by the project. + +“I say, Essington, what a good fellow you are!” he cried. “You really +think it will work?” + +“What do you say, Baron?” + +“It cannot fail, I do solemnly assure you. Be thankful you have soch a +friend, Tollyvoddle!” + +“You don't think anybody will suspect that you aren't really me?” + +“Does any one up at Hechnahoul know you?” + +“No.” + +“And no one there knows me. They will never suspect for an instant.” + +His lordship assumed a look that would have been serious, almost +impressive, had he first removed his eye-glass. Evidently some weighty +consideration had occurred to him. + +“You are an awfully clever chap, Essington,” he said, “and +deuced superior to most fellows, and--er--all that kind of thing. +But--well--you don't mind my saying it?” + +“My morals? My appearance? Say anything you like, my dear fellow.” + +“It's only this, that noblesse oblige, and that kind of thing, you +know.” + +“I am afraid I don't quite follow.” + +“Well, I mean that you aren't a nobleman, and do you think you could +carry things off like a--ah--like a Tulliwuddle?” + +Essington remained entirely serious. + +“I shall have at my elbow an adviser whose knowledge of the highest +society in Europe is, without exaggeration, unequalled. Your perfectly +natural doubts will be laid at rest when I tell you that I hope to be +accompanied by the Baron Rudolph von Blitzenberg.” + +The Baron could no longer contain himself. + +“Himmel! Hurray! My dear friend, I vill go mit you to hell!” + +“That's very good of you,” said Essington, “but you mistake my present +destination. I merely wish your company as far as the Castle of +Hechnahoul.” + +“I gom mit so moch pleasure zat I cannot eggspress! Tollyvoddle, be no +longer afraid. I have helped to write a book on ze noble families +of Germany--zat is to say, I have contributed my portrait and some +anecdote. Our dear friend shall make no mistakes!” + +By this guarantee Lord Tulliwuddle's last doubts were completely set +at rest. His spirits rose as he perceived how happily this easy avenue +would lead him out of all his troubles. He insisted on calling for +wine and pledging success to the adventure with the most resolute and +confident air, and nothing but a few details remained now to be settled. +These were chiefly with regard to the precise limits up to which the +duplicate Lord Tulliwuddle might advance his conquering arms. + +“You won't formally propose, will you?” said the first edition of that +peer. + +“Certainly not, if you prefer to negotiate the surrender yourself,” the +later impression assured him. + +“And you mustn't--well--er----” + +“I shall touch nothing.” + +“A girl might get carried away by you,” said the original peer a trifle +doubtfully. + +“The Baron is the most scrupulous of men. He will be by my side +almost continually. Baron, you will act as my judge, my censor, and my +chaperon?” + +“Tollyvoddle, I swear to you zat I shall use an eye like ze eagle. He +shall be so careful--ach, I shall see to it! Myself, I am a Bayard mit +ze ladies, and Bonker he shall not be less so!” + +“Thanks, Baron, thanks awfully,” said his lordship. “Now my mind is +quite at rest!” + +In the vestibule of the restaurant they bade good-night to the confiding +nobleman, and then turned to one another with an adventurer's smile. + +“You are sure you can leave your diplomatic duties?” asked Essington. + +“Zey vill be my diplomatic duties zat I go to do! Oh, I shall prepare a +leetle story--do not fear me.” + +The Baron chuckled, and then burst forth + +“Never was zere a man like you. Oh, cunning Mistair Bonker! And you vill +give me zomezing to do in ze adventure, eh?” + +“I promise you that, Baron.” + +As he gave this reassuring pledge, a peculiar smile stole over Mr. +Bunker's face--a smile that seemed to suggest even happier possibilities +than either of his distinguished friends contemplated. + + + +CHAPTER V + +It is at all times pleasant to contemplate thorough workmanship +and sagacious foresight, particularly when these are allied with +disinterested purpose and genuine enthusiasm. For the next few days Mr. +Bunker, preparing to carry out to the best of his ability the delicate +commission with which he had been entrusted, presented this stimulating +spectacle. + +Absolutely no pains were left untaken. By the aid of some volumes lent +him by Tulliwuddle he learned, and digested in a pocketbook, as much +information as he thought necessary to acquire concerning the history of +the noble family he was temporarily about to enter; together with +notes of their slogan or war-cry (spelled phonetically to avoid the +possibility of a mistake), of their acreage, gross and net rentals, the +names of their land-agents, and many other matters equally to the point. +It was further to be observed that he spared no pains to imprint these +particulars in the Baron's Teutonic memory--whether to support his own +in case of need, or for some more secret purpose, it were impossible to +fathom. Disguised as unconspicuous and harmless persons, they would meet +in many quiet haunts whose unsuspected excellences they could guarantee +from their old experience, and there mature their philanthropic plan. + +Not only had its talented originator to impress the Tulliwuddle annals +and statistics into his ally's eager mind, but he had to exercise the +nicest tact and discernment lest the Baron's excess of zeal should trip +their enterprise at the very outset. + +“To-day I have told Alicia zat my visit to Russia vill probably be +vollowed by a visit to ze Emperor of China,” the Baron would recount +with vast pride in his inventive powers. “And I have dropped a leetle +hint zat for an envoy to be imprisoned in China is not to be surprised. +Zat vill prepare her in case I am avay longer zan ve expect.” + +“And how did she take that intimation?” asked Essington, with a less +congratulatory air than he had expected. + +“I did leave her in tears.” + +“My dear Baron, fly to her to tell her you are not going to China! +She will get so devilish alarmed if you are gone a week that she'll go +straight to the embassy and make inquiries.” + +He shook his head, and added in an impressive voice-- + +“Never lie for lying's sake, Blitzenberg. Besides, how do you propose to +forge a Chinese post-mark?” + +The Baron had laid the foundations of his Russian trip on a sound basis +by requesting a friend of his in that country to post to the Baroness +the bi-weekly budgets of Muscovite gossip which he intended to +compose at Hechnahoul. This, it seemed to him, would be a simple feat, +particularly with his friend Bunker to assist; but he had to confess +that the provision of Chinese news would certainly be more difficult. + +“Ach, vell, I shall contradict China,” he agreed. + +It will be readily believed that what with getting up his brief, pruning +the legends with which the Baron proposed to satisfy his wife and his +ambassador, and purchasing an outfit suitable to the roles of peer and +chieftain, this indefatigable gentleman passed three or four extremely +busy days. + +“Ve most start before my dear mozzer-in-law does gom!” the Baron more +than once impressed upon him, so that there was no moment to be wasted. + +Two days before their departure Mr. Bunker greeted his ally with a +peculiarly humorous smile. + +“The pleasures of our visit to Hechnahoul are to be considerably +augmented,” said he. “Tulliwuddle has only just made the discovery +that his ancestral castle is let; but his tenant, in the most handsome +spirit, invites us to be his guests so long as we are in Scotland. A +very hospitable letter, isn't it?” + +He handed him a large envelope with a more than proportionately large +crest upon it, and drawing from this a sheet of note-paper headed by a +second crest, the Baron read this epistle: + + +“MY LORD,--Learning that you propose visiting your Scottish estates, and +Mr. M'Fadyen, your factor, informing me no lodge is at present available +for your reception, it will give Mrs. Gallosh and myself great pleasure, +and we will esteem it a distinguished honor, if you and your friend will +be our guests at Hechnahoul Castle during the duration of your visit. +Should you do us the honor of accepting, I shall send my steam launch +to meet you at Torrydhulish pier and convey you across the loch, if you +will be kind enough to advise me which train you are coming by. + +“In conclusion, Mrs. Gallosh and myself beg to assure you that although +you find strangers in your ancestral halls, you will receive both from +your tenantry and ourselves a very hearty welcome to your native land. +Believe me, your obedient servant, + +“DUNCAN JNO. GALLOSH.” + + +“Zat is goot news!” cried the Baron. “Ve shall have company--perhaps +ladies! Ach, Bonker, I have ze soft spot in mine heart: I am so constant +as ze needle to ze pole; but I do like sometimes to talk mit voman!” + +“With Mrs. Gallosh, for instance?” + +“But, Bonker, zere may be a Miss Gallosh.” + +“If you consulted the Baroness,” said Bunker, smiling, “I suspect she +would prefer you to be imprisoned in China.” + +The Baron laughed, and curled his martial mustache with a dangerous air. + +“Who is zis Gallosh?” he inquired. + +“Scottish, I judge from his name; commercial, from his literary style; +elevated by his own exertions, from the size of his crest; and wealthy, +from the fact that he rents Hechnahoul Castle. His mention of Mrs. +Gallosh points to the fact that he is either married or would have us +think so; and I should be inclined to conclude that he has probably +begot a family.” + +“Aha!” said the Baron. “Ve vill gom and see, eh?” + + + +CHAPTER VI + +A carefully clothed young man, with an eyeglass and a wavering gait, +walked slowly out of Euston Station. He had just seen the Scottish +express depart, and this event seemed to have filled him with dubious +reflections. In fact, at the very last moment Lord Tulliwuddle's +confidence in his two friends had been a trifling degree disturbed. It +occurred to him as he lingered by the door of their reserved first-class +compartment that they had a little too much the air of gentlemen +departing on their own pleasure rather than on his business. No sooner +did he drop a fretful hint of this opinion than their affectionate +protestations had quickly revived his spirit; but now that they were no +longer with him to counsel and encourage, it once more drooped. + +“Confound it!” he thought, “I hadn't bargained on having to keep out +of people's way till they came back. If Essington had mentioned that +sooner, I don't know that I'd have been so keen about the notion. Hang +it! I'll have to chuck the Morrells' dance. And I can't go with the +Greys to Ranelagh. I can't even dine with my own aunt on Sunday. Oh, the +devil!” + +The perturbed young peer waved his umbrella and climbed into a hansom. + +“Well, anyhow, I can still go on seeing Connie. That's some +consolation,” he told himself; and without stopping to consider what +would be the thoughts of his two obliging friends had they known he was +seeking consolation in the society of one lady while they were arranging +his nuptials with another, the baptismal Tulliwuddle drove back to the +civilization of St. James's. + +Within the reserved compartment was no foreboding, no faint-hearted +paling of the cheek. As the train clattered, hummed, and presently +thundered on its way, the two laughed cheerfully towards one another, +delighted beyond measure with the prosperous beginning of their +enterprise. The Baron could not sufficiently express his gratitude and +admiration for the promptitude with which his friend had purveyed so +promising an adventure. + +“Ve vill have fon, my Bonker. Ach! ve vill,” he exclaimed for the third +or fourth time within a dozen miles from Euston. + +His Bunker assumed an air half affectionate, half apologetic. + +“I only regret that I should have the lion's share of the adventure, my +dear Baron.” + +“Yes,” said the Baron, with a symptom of a sigh, “I do envy you indeed. +Yet I should not say zat----” Bunker swiftly interrupted him. + +“You would like to play a worthier part than merely his lordship's +friend?” + +“Ach! if I could.” + +Bunker smiled benignantly. + +“Ah, Baron, you cannot suppose that I would really do Tulliwuddle such +injustice as to attempt, in my own feeble manner, to impersonate him?” + +The Baron stared. + +“Vat mean you?” + +“YOU shall be the lion, _I_ the humble necessary jackal. As our friend +so aptly quoted, noblesse oblige. Of course, there can be no doubt about +it. You, Baron, must play the part of peer, I of friend.” + +The Baron gasped. + +“Impossible!” + +“Quite simple, my dear fellow.” + +“You--you don't mean so?” + +“I do indeed.” + +“Bot I shall not do it so vell as you.” + +“A hundred times better.” + +“Bot vy did you not say so before?” + +“Tulliwuddle might not have agreed with me.” + +“Bot vould he like it now?” + +“It is not what he likes that we should consider, it's what is good for +his interests.” + +“Bot if I should fail?” + +“He will be no worse off than before. Left to himself, he certainly +won't marry the lady. You give him his only chance.” + +“Bot more zan you vould, really and truthfully?” + +“My dear Baron, you are admitted by all to be an ideal German nobleman. +Therefore you will certainly make an ideal British peer. You have the +true Grand-Seigneur air. No one would mistake you for anything but a +great aristocrat, if they merely saw you in bathing pants; whereas +I have something a little different about my manner. I'm not so +impressive--not so hall-marked, in fact.” + +His friend's omniscient air and candidly eloquent tone impressed the +Baron considerably. His ingrained conviction of his own importance +accorded admirably with these arguments. His thirst for “life” craved +this lion's share. His sanguine spirit leaped at the appeal. Yet +his well-regulated conscience could not but state one or two patent +objections. + +“Bot I have not read so moch of the Tollyvoddles as you. I do not know +ze strings so vell.” + +“I have told you nearly everything I know. You will find the rest here.” + +Essington handed him the note-book containing his succinct digest. +In intelligent anticipation of this contingency it was written in his +clearest handwriting. + +“You should have been a German,” said the Baron admiringly. + +He glanced with sparkling eyes at the note-book, and then with a +distinctly greater effort the Teutonic conscience advanced another +objection. + +“Bot you have bought ze kilt, ze Highland hat, ze brogue shoes.” + +“I had them made to your measurements.” + +The Baron impetuously embraced his thoughtful friend. Then again his +smile died away. + +“Bot, Bonker, my voice! Zey tell me I haf nozing zat you vould call +qvite an accent; bot a foreigner--one does regognize him, eh?” + +“I shall explain that in a sentence. The romantic tincture of--well, not +quite accent, is a pleasant little piece of affectation adopted by the +young bloods about the Court in compliment to the German connections of +the Royal family.” + +The Baron raised no more objections. + +“Bonker, I agree! Tollyvoddle I shall be, by Jove and all!” + +He beamed his satisfaction, and then in an eager voice asked-- + +“You haf not ze kilt in zat hat-box?” + +Unfortunately, however, the kilt was in the van. + +Now the journey, propitiously begun, became more exhilarating, more +exciting with each mile flung by. The Baron, egged on by his friend's +high spirits and his own imagination to anticipate pleasure upon +pleasure, watched with rapture the summer landscape whiz past the +windows. Through the flat midlands of England they sped; field after +field, hedgerow after hedgerow, trees by the dozen, by the hundred, +by the thousand, spinning by in one continuous green vista. Red brick +towns, sluggish rivers, thatched villages and ancient churches dark with +yews, the shining web of junctions, and a whisking glimpse of wayside +stations leaped towards them, past them, and leagues away behind. But +swiftly as they sped, it was all too slowly for the fresh-created Lord +Tulliwuddle. + +“Are we not nearly to Scotland yet?” he inquired some fifty times. + +“'My heart's in the Highlands a-chasing the dears!'” hummed the +abdicated nobleman, whose hilarity had actually increased (if that were +possible) since his descent into the herd again. + +All the travellers' familiar landmarks were hailed by the gleeful +diplomatist with encouraging comments. + +“Ach, look! Beauteeful view! How quickly it is gone! Hurray! Ve must be +nearly to Scotland.” + +A panegyric on the rough sky-line of the north country fells was +interrupted by the entrance of the dining-car attendant. Learning that +they would dine, he politely inquired in what names he should engage +their seats. Then, for an instant, a horrible confusion nearly overcame +the Baron. He--a von Blitzenberg--to give a false name! His color rose, +he stammered, and only in the nick of time caught his companion's eye. + +“Ze Lord Tollyvoddle,” he announced, with an effort as heroic as any of +his ancestors' most warlike enterprises. + +Too impressed to inquire how this remarkable title should be spelled, +the man turned to the other distinguished-looking passenger. + +“Bunker,” said that gentleman, with smiling assurance. + +The man went out. + +“Now are ve named!” cried the Baron, his courage rising the higher for +the shock it had sustained. “And you vunce more vill be Bonker? Goot!” + +“That satisfies you?” + +The Baron hesitated. + +“My dear friend, I have a splendid idea! Do you know I did disgover zere +used to be a nobleman in Austria really called Count Bonker? He vas a +famous man; you need not be ashamed to take his name. Vy should not you +be Count Bonker?” + +“You prefer to travel in titled company? Well, be hanged--why not! When +one comes to think of it, it seems a pity that my sins should always be +attributed to the middle classes.” + +Accordingly this history has now the honorable task of chronicling the +exploits of no fewer than two noblemen. + + + +CHAPTER VII + +Late that evening they reached a city which the home-coming chieftain in +an outburst of Celtic fervor dubbed “mine own bonny Edinburg!” and there +they repaired for the night to a hotel. Once more the Baron (we may +still style him so since the peerage of Tulliwuddle was of that standing +also) showed a certain diffidence when it came to answering to his new +title in public; but in the seclusion of their private sitting-room he +was careful to assure his friend that this did not arise from any lack +of nerve or qualms zof conscience, but merely through a species of +headache--the result of railway travelling. + +“Do not fear for me,” he declared as he stirred the sugar in his glass, +“I have ze heart of a lion.” + +The liquid he was sipping being nothing less potent than a brew of +whisky punch, which he had ordered (or rather requested Bunker to order) +as the most romantically national compound he could think of, produced, +indeed, a fervor of foolhardiness. He insisted upon opening the door +wide, and getting Bunker to address him as “Tollyvoddle,” in a strident +voice, “so zat zey all may hear,” and then answering in a firm “Yes, +Count Bonker, vat vould you say to me?” + +It is true that he instantly closed the door again, and even bolted it, +but his display seemed to make a vast impression upon himself. + +“Many men vould not dare so to go mit anozzer name,” he announced; “bot +I have my nerves onder a good gontrol.” + +“You astonish me,” said the Count. + +“I do even surprise myself,” admitted the Baron. + +In truth the ordeal of carelessly carrying off an alias is said by those +who have undergone it (and the report is confirmed by an experienced +class of public officials) to require a species of hardihood which, +fortunately for society, is somewhat rare. The most daring Smith will +sometimes stammer when it comes to merely answering “Yes” to a cry of +“Brown!” and Count Bunker, whose knowledge of human nature was profound +and remarkably accurate, was careful to fortify his friend by example +and praise, till by the time they went to bed the Baron could scarcely +be withheld from seeking out the manager and airing his assurance upon +him. Or, at least, he declared he would have done this had he been sure +that the manager was not already in bed himself. + +Unfortunately at this juncture the Count committed one of those +indiscretions to which a gay spirit is always prone, but which, to do +him justice, seldom sullied his own record as a successful adventurer. +At an hour considerably past midnight, hearing an excited summons from +the Baron's bedroom, he laid down his toothbrush and hastened across the +passage, to find the new peer in a crimson dressing-gown of quilted silk +gazing enthusiastically at a lithograph that hung upon the wall. + +“See!” he cried gleefully, “here is my own ancestor. Bonker, I feel I am +Tollyvoddle indeed.” + +The print which had inspired this enthusiasm depicted a historical but +treasonable Lord Tulliwuddle preparing to have his head removed. + +Giving it a droll look, the Count observed-- + +“Well, if it inspires you, my dear Baron, that's all right. The omen +would have struck me differently.” + +“Ze omen!” murmured the Baron with a start. + +It required all Bunker's tact to revive his ally's damped enthusiasm, +and even at breakfast next morning he referred in a gloomy voice to +various premonitions recorded in the history of his family, and the +horrible consequences of disregarding them. + +But by the time they had started upon their journey north, his spirits +rose a trifle; and when at length all lowland landscapes were left +far behind them, and they had come into a province of peat streams and +granite pinnacles, with the gloom of pines and the freshness of the +birch blended like a May and December marriage, all appearance, at +least, of disquietude had passed away. + +Yet the Count kept an anxious eye upon him. He was becoming decidedly +restless. At one moment he would rave about the glorious scenery; the +next, plunge into a brown study of the Tulliwuddle rent-roll; and then +in an instant start humming an air and smoking so fast that both their +cases were empty while they were yet half an hour from Torrydhulish +Station. Now the Baron took to biting his nails, looking at his watch, +and answering questions at random--a very different spectacle from the +enthusiastic traveller of yesterday. + +“Only ten minutes more,” observed Bunker in his most cheering manner. + +The Baron made no reply. + +They were now running along the brink of a glimmering loch, the piled +mountains on the farther shore perfectly mirrored; a tern or two lazily +fishing; a delicate summer sky smiling above. All at once Count Bunker +started-- + +“That must be Hechnahoul!” said he. + +The Baron looked and beheld, upon an eminence across the loch, the +towers and turrets of an imposing mansion overtopping a green grove. + +“And here is the station,” added the Count. + +The Baron's face assumed a piteous expression. + +“Bonker,” he stammered, “I--I am afraid! You be ze Tollyvoddle--I cannot +do him!” + +“My dear Baron!” + +“Oh, I cannot!” + +“Be brave--for the honor of the fatherland. Play the bold Blitzenberg!” + +“Ach, ja; but not bold Tollyvoddle. Zat picture--you vere right--it vas +omen!” + +Never did the genius of Bunker rise more audaciously to an occasion. + +“My dear Baron,” said he, assuming on the instant a confidence-inspiring +smile, “that print was a hoax; it wasn't old Tulliwuddle at all. I faked +it myself.” + +“So?” gasped the Baron. “You assure me truly?” + +Muttering (the historian sincerely hopes) a petition for forgiveness, +Bunker firmly answered-- + +“I do assure you!” + +The train had stopped, and as they were the only first-class passengers +on board, a peculiarly magnificent footman already had his hand upon the +door. Before turning the handle, he touched his hat. + +“Lord Tulliwuddle?” he respectfully inquired. + +“Ja--zat is, yes, I am,” replied the Baron. + + + +CHAPTER VIII + +From the platform down to the pier was only some fifty yards, and before +them the travellers perceived an exceedingly smart steam-launch, and +a stout middle-aged gentleman, in a blue serge suit and yachting cap, +advancing from it to greet them. They had only time to observe that +he had a sanguine complexion, iron-gray whiskers, and a wide-open eye, +before he raised the cap and, in a decidedly North British accent, thus +addressed them-- + +“My lord--ahem!--your lordship, I should say--I presume I've the +pleasure of seeing Lord Tulliwuddle?” + +The Count gently pushed his more distinguished friend in front. With +an embarrassment equal to their host's, his lordship bowed and gave his +hand. + +“I am ze Tollyvoddle--vary pleased--Mistair Gosh, I soppose?” + +“Gallosh, my lord. Very honored to welcome you.” + +In the round eyes of Mr. Gallosh, Count Bunker perceived an unmistakable +stare of astonishment at the sound of his lordship's accented voice. +The Baron, on his part, was evidently still suffering from his attack of +stage fright; but again the Count's gifts smoothed the creases from the +situation. + +“You have not introduced me to our host, Tulliwuddle,” he said, with a +gay, infectious confidence. + +“Ah, so! Zis is my friend Count Bunker--gom all ze vay from Austria,” + responded the Baron, with no glimmer of his customary aplomb. + +Making a mental resolution to warn his ally never to say one word more +about his fictitious past than was wrung by cross-examination, the +distinguished-looking Austrian shook his host's hand warmly. + +“From Austria via London,” he explained in his pleasantest manner. “I +object altogether to be considered a foreigner, Mr. Gallosh; and, in +fact, I often tell Tulliwuddle that people will think me more English +than himself. The German fashions so much in vogue at Court are +transforming the very speech of your nobility. Don't you sometimes +notice it?” + +Thus directly appealed to, Mr. Gallosh became manifestly perplexed. + +“Yes--yes, you're right in a way,” he pronounced cautiously. “I suppose +they do that. But will ye not take a seat? This is my launch. Hi! +Robert, give his lordship a hand on board!” + +Two mariners and a second tall footman assisted the guests to embark, +and presently they were cutting the waters of the loch at a merry pace. + +In the prow, like youth, the Baron insisted upon sitting with folded +arms and a gloomy aspect; and as his nerve was so patently disturbed, +the Count decidedly approved of an arrangement which left his host and +himself alone together in the stern. In his present state of mind the +Baron was capable of any indiscretion were he compelled to talk; while, +silent and brooding in isolated majesty, he looked to perfection the +part of returning exile. So, evidently, thought Mr. Gallosh. + +“His lordship is looking verra well,” he confided to the Count in a +respectfully lowered voice. + +“The improvement has been remarkable ever since his foot touched his +native heath.” + +“You don't say so,” said Mr. Gallosh, with even greater interest. “Was +he delicate before?” + +“A London life, Mr. Gallosh.” + +“True--true, he'll have been busy seeing his friends; it'll have been +verra wearing.” + +“The anxiety, the business of being invested, and so on, has upset him +a trifle. You must put down any little--well, peculiarity to that, Mr. +Gallosh.” + +“I understand--aye, umh'm, quite so. He'll like to be left to himself, +perhaps?” + +“That depends on his condition,” said the Count diplomatically. + +“It's a great responsibility for a young man; yon's a big property to +look after,” observed Mr. Gallosh in a moment. + +“You have touched the spot!” said the Count warmly. “That is, in +fact, the chief cause of Tulliwuddle's curious moodiness ever since +he succeeded to the title. He feels his responsibilities a little too +acutely.” + +Again Mr. Gallosh ruminated, while his guest from the corner of his eye +surveyed him shrewdly. + +“My forecast was wonderfully accurate,” he said to himself. + +The silence was first broken by Mr. Gallosh. As if thinking aloud, he +remarked-- + +“I was awful surprised to hear him speak! It's the Court fashion, you +say?” + +“Partly that; partly a prolonged residence on the Continent in his +youth. He acquired his accent then; he has retained it for fashion's +sake,” explained the Count, who thought it as well to bolster up the +weakest part of his case a little more securely. + +With this prudent purpose, he added, with a flattering air of taking his +host into his aristocratic confidence-- + +“You will perhaps be good enough to explain this to the friends and +dependants Lord Tulliwuddle is about to meet? A breath of unsympathetic +criticism would grieve him greatly if it came to his ears.” + +“Quite, quite,” said Mr. Gallosh eagerly. “I'll make it all right. I +understand the sentiment pairfectly. It's verra natural--verra natural +indeed.” + +At that moment the Baron started from his reverie with an affrighted +air. + +“Vat is zat strange sound!” he exclaimed. + +The others listened. + +“That's just the pipes, my lord,” said Mr. Gallosh. “They're tuning up +to welcome you.” + +His lordship stared at the shore ahead of them. + +“Zere are many peoples on ze coast!” he cried. “Vat makes it for?” + +“They've come to receive you,” his host explained. “It's just a little +spontaneous demonstration, my lord.” + +His lordship's composure in no way increased. + +“It was Mrs. Gallosh organized a wee bit entertainment on his lordship's +landing,” their host explained confidentially to the Count. “It's just +informal, ye understand. She's been instructing some of the tenants--and +ma own girls will be there--but, oh, it's nothing to speak of. If he +says a few words in reply, that'll be all they'll be expecting.” + +The strains of “Tulliwuddle wha hae” grew ever louder and, to an +untrained ear, more terrific. In a moment they were mingled with a +clapping of hands and a Highland cheer, the launch glided alongside the +pier, and, supported on his faithful friend's arm, the panic-stricken +Tulliwuddle staggered ashore. Before his dazed eyes there seemed to be +arrayed the vastest and most barbaric concourse his worst nightmare had +ever imagined. Six pipers played within ten paces of him, each of them +arrayed in the full panoply of the clan; at least a dozen dogs yelped +their exultation; and from the surrounding throng two ancient men +in tartan and four visions in snowy white stepped forth to greet the +distinguished visitors. + +The first hitch in the proceedings occurred at this point. According to +the unofficial but carefully considered programme, the pipers ought to +have ceased their melody; but, whether inspired by ecstatic loyalty or +because the Tulliwuddle pibroch took longer to perform than had been +anticipated, they continued to skirl with such vigor that expostulations +passed entirely unheard. Under the circumstances there was nothing for +it but shouting, and in a stentorian yell Mr. Gallosh introduced his +wife and three fair daughters. + +Thereupon Mrs. Gallosh, a broad-beamed matron whose complexion +contrasted pleasantly with her costume, delivered the following +oration-- + +“Lord Tulliwuddle, in the name of the women of Hechnahoul--I may say in +the name of the women of all the Highlands--oor ain Heelands, my lord” + (this with the most insinuating smile)--“I bid you welcome to your +ancestral estates. Remembering the conquests your ancestors used to +make both in war and in a gentler sphere” (Mrs. Gallosh looked archness +itself), “we ladies, I suppose, should regard your home-coming with some +misgivings; but, my lord, every bonny Prince Charlie has his bonny Flora +Macdonald, and in this land of mountain, mist, and flood, where 'Dark +Ben More frowns o'er the wave,' and where 'Ilka lassie has her laddie,' +you will find a thousand romantic maidens ready to welcome you as Ellen +welcomed Fitz-James! For centuries your heroic race has adorned the +halls and trod the heather of Hechnahoul, and for centuries more we hope +to see the offspring of your lordship and some winsome Celtic maid rule +these cataracts and glens!” + +At this point the exertion of shouting down six bagpipes in active +eruption caused a temporary cessation of the lady's eloquence, and the +pause was filled by the cheers of the crowd led by the “Hip-hip-hip!” + of Count Bunker, and by the broken and fortunately inaudible protests of +the embarrassed father of future Tulliwuddles. In a moment Mrs. Gallosh +had resumed-- + +“Lord Tulliwuddle, though I myself am only a stranger to your clan, your +Highland heart will feel reassured when I mention that I belong through +my grandmother to the kindred clan of the Mackays!” (“Hear, hear!” from +two or three ladies and gentlemen, evidently guests of the Gallosh.) “We +are but visitors at Hechnahoul, yet we assure you that no more devoted +hearts beat in all Caledonia! Lord Tulliwuddle, we welcome you!” + +“Put your hand on your heart and bow,” whispered Bunker. “Keep on bowing +and say nothing!” + +Mechanically the bewildered Baron obeyed, and for a few moments +presented a spectacle not unlike royalty in procession. + +But as some reply from him had evidently been expected at this point, +and the pipers had even ceased playing lest any word of their chief's +should be lost, a pause ensued which might have grown embarrassing had +not the Count promptly stepped forward. + +“I think,” he said, indicating two other snow-white figures who held +gigantic bouquets, “that a pleasant part of the ceremony still remains +before us.” + +With a grateful glance at this discerning guest, Mrs. Gallosh thereupon +led forward her two youngest daughters (aged fifteen and thirteen), who, +with an air so delightfully coy that it fell like a ray of sunshine +on the poor Baron's heart, presented him with their flowery symbols of +Hechnahoul's obeisance to its lord. + +His consternation returned with the advance of the two ancient +clansmen who, after a guttural panegyric in Gaelic, offered him further +symbols--a claymore and target, very formidable to behold. All these +gifts having been adroitly transferred to the arms of the footmen by the +ubiquitous Count, the Baron's emotions swiftly passed through another +phase when the eldest Miss Gallosh, aged twenty, with burning eyes +and the most distracting tresses, dropped him a sweeping courtesy and +offered a final contribution--a fiery cross, carved and painted by her +own fair hands. + +A fresh round of applause followed this, and then a sudden silence fell +upon the assembly. All eyes were turned upon the chieftain: not even a +dog barked: it was the moment of a lifetime. + +“Can you manage a speech, old man?” whispered Bunker. + +“Ach, no, no, no! Let me escape. Oh, let me fly!” + +“Bury your face in your hands and lean on my shoulder,” prompted the +Count. + +This stage direction being obeyed, the most effective tableau +conceivable was presented, and the climax was reached when the Count, +after a brief dumb-show intended to indicate how vain were Lord +Tulliwuddle's efforts to master his emotion, spoke these words in the +most thrilling accents he could muster: + +“Fair ladies and brave men of Hechnahoul! Your chief, your friend, +your father requests me to express to you the sentiments which his +over-wrought emotions prevent him from uttering himself. On his behalf I +tender to his kind and courteous friends, Mr., Mrs., and the fair maids +Gallosh, the thanks of a long-absent exile returned to his native land +for the welcome they have given him! To his devoted clan he not only +gives his thanks, but his promise that all rents shall be reduced by one +half--so long as he dwells among them!” (Tumultuous applause, disturbed +only by a violent ejaculation from a large man in knickerbockers whom +Bunker justly judged to be the factor.) + +“With his last breath he shall perpetually thunder: +Ahasheen--comara--mohr!” + +The Tulliwuddle slogan, pronounced with the most conscientious accuracy +of which a Sassenach was capable, proved as effective a curtain as he +had anticipated; and amid a perfect babel of cheering and bagpiping the +chieftain was led to his host's carriage. + + + +CHAPTER IX + +“Well, the worst of it is over,” said Bunker cheerfully. + +The Baron groaned. “Ze vorst is only jost beginning to gommence.” + +They were sitting over a crackling fire of logs in the sitting-room of +the suite which their host had reserved for his honored visitors. How +many heirlooms and dusky portraits the romantic thoughtfulness of the +ladies had managed to crowd into this apartment for the occasion were +hard to compute; enough, certainly, one would think, to inspire the most +sluggish-blooded Tulliwuddle with a martial exultation. Instead, the +chieftain groaned again. + +“Tell zem I am ill. I cannot gom to dinner. To-morrow I shall take +ze train back to London. Himmel! Vy vas I fool enof to act soch +dishonorable lies! I deceive all these kind peoples!” + +“It isn't that which worries me,” said Bunker imperturbably. “I am only +afraid that if you display this spirit you won't deceive them.” + +“I do not vish to,” said the Baron sulkily. + +It required half an hour of the Count's most artful blandishments to +persuade him that duty, honor, and prudence all summoned him to the +feast. This being accomplished, he next endeavored to convince him that +he would feel more comfortable in the airy freedom of the Tulliwuddle +tartan. But here the Baron was obdurate. Now that the kilt lay ready to +his hand he could not be persuaded even to look at it. In gloomy silence +he donned his conventional evening dress and announced, last thing +before they left their room-- + +“Bonker, say no more! To-morrow morning I depart!” + +Their hostess had explained that a merely informal dinner awaited them, +since his lordship (she observed) would no doubt prefer a quiet evening +after his long journey. But Mrs. Gallosh was one of those good ladies +who are fond of asking their friends to take “pot luck,” and then +providing them with fourteen courses; or suggesting a “quiet little +evening together,” when they have previously removed the drawing-room +carpet. It is an affectation of modesty apt to disconcert the retiring +guest who takes them at their word. In the drawing-room of Mrs. Gallosh +the startled Baron found assembled--firstly, the Gallosh family, +consisting of all those whose acquaintance we have already made, and in +addition two stalwart school-boy sons; secondly, their house-party, who +comprised a Mr. and Mrs. Rentoul, from the same metropolis of commerce +as Mr. Gallosh, and a hatchet-faced young man with glasses, answering to +the name of Mr. Cromarty-Gow; and, finally, one or two neighbors. These +last included Mr. M'Fadyen, the large factor; the Established Church, +U.F., Wee Free, Episcopalian, and Original Secession ministers, all of +whom, together with their kirks, flourished within a four-mile radius of +the Castle; the wives to three of the above; three young men and their +tutor, being some portion of a reading-party in the village; and Mrs. +Cameron-Campbell and her five daughters, from a neighboring dower-house +upon the loch. + +It was fortunate that all these people were prepared to be impressed +with Lord Tulliwuddle, whatever he should say or do; and further, that +the unique position of such a famous hereditary magnate even led them +to anticipate some marked deviation from the ordinary canons of conduct. +Otherwise, the gloomy brows; the stare, apparently haughty, in reality +alarmed; the strange accent and the brief responses of the chief guest, +might have caused an unfavorable opinion of his character. + +As it was, his aloofness, however natural, would probably have proved +depressing had it not been for the gay charm and agreeable condescension +of the other nobleman. Seldom had more rested upon that adventurer's +shoulders, and never had he acquitted himself with greater credit. It +was with considerable secret concern that he found himself placed at +the opposite end of the table from his friend, but his tongue rattled as +gaily and his smiles came as readily as ever. With Mrs. Cameron-Campbell +on one side, and a minister's lady upon the other, his host two places +distant, and a considerable audience of silent eaters within earshot, +he successfully managed to divert the attention of quite half the table +from the chieftain's moody humor. + +“I always feel at home with a Scotsman,” he discoursed genially. +“His imagination is so quick, his intellect so clear, his honesty so +remarkable, and” (with an irresistible glance at the minister's lady) +“his wife so charming.” + +“Ha, ha!” laughed Mr. Gallosh, who was mellowing rapidly under the +influence of his own champagne. “I'm verra glad to see you know good +folks when you meet them. What do you think now of the English?” + +Having previously assured himself that his audience was neat Scotch, the +polished Austrian unblushingly replied-- + +“The Englishman, I have observed, has a slightly slower imagination, a +denser intelligence, and is less conspicuous for perfect honesty. His +womankind also have less of that nameless grace and ethereal beauty +which distinguish their Scottish sisters.” + +It is needless to say that a more popular visitor never was seen than +this discriminating foreigner, and if his ambitions had not risen above +a merely personal triumph, he would have been in the highest state of +satisfaction. But with a disinterested eye he every now and then +sought the farther end of the table, where, between his hostess and her +charming eldest daughter, and facing his factor, the Baron had to endure +his ordeal unsupported. + +“I wonder how the devil he's getting on!” he more than once said to +himself. + +For better or for worse, as the dinner advanced, he began to hear the +Court accent more frequently, till his curiosity became extreme. + +“His lordship seems in better spirits,” remarked Mr. Gallosh. + +“I hope to Heaven he may be!” was the fervent thought of Count Bunker. + +At that moment the point was settled. With his old roar of exuberant +gusto the Baron announced, in a voice that drowned even the five +ministers-- + +“Ach, yes, I vill toss ze caber to-morrow! I vill toss him--so high!” + (his napkin flapped upwards). “How long shall he be? So tall as my +castle: Mees Gallosh, you shall help me? Ach, yes! Mit hands so fair ze +caber vill spring like zis!” + +His pudding-spoon, in vivid illustration, skipped across the table and +struck his factor smartly on the shirt-front. + +“Sare, I beg your pardon,” he beamed with a graciousness that charmed +Mrs. Gallosh even more than his spirited conversation--“Ach, do not +return it, please! It is from my castle silver--keep it in memory of zis +happy night!” + +The royal generosity of this act almost reconciled Mrs. Gallosh to the +loss of one of her own silver spoons. + +“Saved!” sighed Bunker, draining his glass with a relish he had not felt +in any item of the feast hitherto. + +Now that the Baron's courage had returned, no heraldic lion ever pranced +more bravely. His laughter, his jests, his compliments were showered +upon the delighted diners. Mr. Gallosh and he drank healths down the +whole length of the table “mit no tap-heels!” at least four times. +He peeled an orange for Miss Gallosh, and cut the skin into the most +diverting figures, pressing her hand tenderly as he presented her +with these works of art. He inquired of Mrs. Gallosh the names of the +clergymen, and, shouting something distantly resembling these, toasted +them each and all with what he conceived to be appropriate comments. +Finally he rose to his feet, and, to the surprise and delight of all, +delivered the speech they had been disappointed of earlier in the day. + +“Goot Mr. Gallosh, fair Mrs. Gallosh, divine Mees Gallosh, and all +ze ladies and gentlemans, how sorry I vas I could not make my speech +before, I cannot eggspress. I had a headache, and vas not vell vithin. +Ach, soch zings vill happen in a new climate. Bot now I am inspired to +tell you I loff you all! I zank you eggstremely! How can I return +zis hospitality? I vill tell you! You must all go to Bavaria and stay +mit----” + +“Tulliwuddle! Tulliwuddle!” shouted Bunker frantically, to the great +amazement of the company. “Allow me to invite the company myself to stay +with me in Bavaria!” + +The Baron turned crimson, as he realized the abyss of error into which +he had so nearly plunged. Adroitly the Count covered his confusion with +a fit of laughter so ingeniously hearty that in a moment he had joined +in it too. + +“Ha, ha, ha!” he shouted. “Zat was a leetle joke at my friend's +eggspense. It is here, in my castle, you shall visit me; some day very +soon I shall live in him. Meanvile, dear Mrs. Gallosh, gonsider it your +home! For me you make it heaven, and I cannot ask more zan zat! Now let +us gom and have some fon!” + +A salvo of applause greeted this conclusion. At the Baron's impetuous +request the cigars were brought into the hall, and ladies and gentlemen +all trooped out together. + +“I cannot vait till I have seen Miss Gallosh dance ze Highland reel,” he +explained to her gratified mother; “she has promised me.” + +“But you must dance too, Lord Tulliwuddle,” said ravishing Miss Gallosh. +“You know you said you would.” + +“A promise to a lady is a law,” replied the Baron gallantly, adding in a +lower tone, “especially to so fair a lady!” + +“It's a pity his lordship hadn't on his kilt,” put in Mr. Gallosh +genially. + +“By ze Gad, I vill put him on! Hoch! Ve vill have some fon!” + +The Baron rushed from the hall, followed in a moment by his noble +friend. Bunker found him already wrapping many yards of tartan about his +waist. + +“But, my dear fellow, you must take off your trousers,” he expostulated. + +Despite his glee, the Baron answered with something of the Blitzenberg +dignity-- + +“Ze bare leg I cannot show to-night--not to dance mit ze young ladies. +Ven I have practised, perhaps; but not now, Bonker.” + +Accordingly the portraits of four centuries of Tulliwuddles beheld +their representative appear in the very castle of Hechnahoul with his +trouser-legs capering beneath an ill-hung petticoat of tartan. And, to +make matters worse in their canvas eyes, his own shameless laugh rang +loudest in the mirth that greeted his entrance. + +“Ze garb of Gaul!” he announced, shaking with hilarity. “Gom, Bonker, +dance mit me ze Highland fling!” + +The first night of Lord Tulliwuddle's visit to his ancestral halls is +still remembered among his native hills. The Count also, his mind now +rapturously at ease, performed prodigies. They danced together what they +were pleased to call the latest thing in London, sang a duet, waltzed +with the younger ladies, till hardly a head was left unturned, and, +in short, sent away the ministers and their ladies, the five Miss +Cameron-Campbells, the reading-party, and particularly the factor, with +a new conception of a Highland chief. As for the house-party, they felt +that they were fortunate beyond the lot of most ordinary mortals. + + + +CHAPTER X + +The Baron sat among his heirlooms, laboriously disengaging himself from +his kilt. Fitfully throughout this process he would warble snatches of +an air which Miss Gallosh had sung. + +“Whae vould not dee for Sharlie?” he trolled, “Ze yong chevalier!” + +“Then you don't think of leaving to-morrow morning?” asked Count Bunker, +who was watching him with a complacent air. + +“Mein Gott, no fears!” + +“We had better wait, perhaps, till the afternoon?” + +“I go not for tree veeks! Gaben sie--das ist, gim'me zat tombler. Vun +more of mountain juice to ze health of all Galloshes! Partic'ly of vun! +Eh, old Bonker?” + +The Count took care to see that the mountain juice was well diluted. +His friend had already found Scottish hospitality difficult to enjoy in +moderation. + +“Baron, you gave us a marvellously lifelike representation of a Jacobite +chieftain!” + +The Baron laughed a trifle vacantly. + +“Ach, it is easy for me. Himmel, a Blitzenberg should know how! +Vollytoddle--Toddyvolly--whatsh my name, Bonker?” + +The Count informed him. + +“Tollivoddlesh is nozing to vat I am at home! Abs'lutely nozing! I have +a house twice as big as zis, and servants--Ach, so many I know not! Bot, +mein Bonker, it is not soch fon as zis! Mein Gott, I most get to bed. I +toss ze caber to-morrow.” + +And upon the arm of his faithful ally he moved cautiously towards his +bedroom. + +But if he had enjoyed his evening well, his pleasure was nothing to the +gratification of his hosts. They could not bring themselves to break up +their party for the night: there were so many delightful reminiscences +to discuss. + +“Of all the evenings ever I spent,” declared Mr. Gallosh, “this fair +takes the cake. Just to think of that aristocratic young fellow being +as companionable-like! When first I put eyes on him, I said to +myself--'You're not for the likes of us. All lords and ladies is your +kind. Never a word did he say in the boat till he heard the pipes play, +and then I really thought he was frightened! It must just have been a +kind of home-sickness or something.” + +“It'll have been the tuning up that set his teeth on edge,” Mrs. Gallosh +suggested practically. + +“Or perhaps his heart was stirred with thoughts of the past!” said Miss +Gallosh, her eyes brightening. + +In any case, all were agreed that the development of his hereditary +instincts had been extraordinarily rapid. + +“I never really properly talked with a lord before,” sighed Mrs. +Rentoul; “I hope they're all like this one.” + +Mrs. Gallosh, on the other hand, who boasted of having had one +tete-a-tete and joined in several general conversations with the +peerage, appraised Lord Tulliwuddle with greater discrimination. + +“Ah, he's got a soupcon!” she declared. “That's what I admire!” + +“Do you mean his German accent?” asked Mr. Cromarty-Gow, who was +renowned for a cynical wit, and had been seeking an occasion to air it +ever since Lord Tulliwuddle had made Miss Gallosh promise to dance a +reel with him. + +But the feeling of the party was so strongly against a breath of +irreverent criticism, and their protest so emphatic, that he presently +strolled off to the smoking-room, wishing that Miss Gallosh, at least, +would exercise more critical discrimination. + +“Do you think would they like breakfast in their own room, Duncan?” + asked Mrs. Gallosh. + +“Offer it them--offer it them; they can but refuse, and it's a kind of +compliment to give them the opportunity.” + +“His lordship will not be wanting to rise early,” said Mr. Rentoul. “Did +you notice what an amount he could drink, Duncan? Man, and he carried it +fine! But he'll be the better of a sleep-in in the morning, him coming +from a journey too.” + +Mr. Rentoul was a recognized authority on such questions, having, before +the days of his affluence, travelled for a notable firm of distillers. +His praise of Lord Tulliwuddle's capacity was loudly echoed by Mr. +Gallosh, and even the ladies could not but indulgently agree that he had +exhibited a strength of head worthy of his race. + +“And yet he was a wee thing touched too,” said Mr. Rentoul sagely. +“Maybe you were too far gone yourself, Duncan, to notice it, and the +ladies would just think it was gallantry; but I saw it in his voice and +his legs--oh, just a wee thingie, nothing to speak of.” + +“Surely you are mistaken!” cried Miss Gallosh. “Wasn't it only +excitement at finding himself at Hechnahoul?” + +“There's two kinds of excitement,” answered the oracle. “And this was +the kind I'm best acquaint with. Oh, but it was just a wee bittie.” + +“And who thinks the worse of him for it?” cried Mr. Gallosh. + +This question was answered by general acclamation in a manner and with a +spirit that proved how deeply his lordship's gracious behavior had laid +hold of all hearts. + + + +CHAPTER XI + +Breakfast in the private parlor was laid for two; but it was only Count +Bunker, arrayed in a becoming suit of knickerbockers, and looking as +fresh as if he had feasted last night on aerated water, who sat down to +consume it. + +“Who would be his ordinary everyday self when there are fifty more +amusing parts to play,” he reflected gaily, as he sipped his coffee. +“Blitzenberg and Essington were two conventional members of society, +ageing ingloriously, tamely approaching five-and-thirty in bath-chairs. +Tulliwuddle and Bunker are paladins of romance! We thought we had grown +up--thank Heaven, we were deceived!” + +Having breakfasted and lit a cigarette, he essayed for the second +time to arouse the Baron; but getting nothing but the most somnolent +responses, he set out for a stroll, visiting the gardens, stables, +kennels, and keeper's house, and even inspecting a likely pool or +two upon the river, and making in the course of it several useful +acquaintances among the Tulliwuddle retainers. + +When he returned he found the Baron stirring a cup of strong tea and +staring at an ancestral portrait with a thoughtful frown. + +“They are preparing the caber, Baron,” he remarked genially. + +“Stoff and nonsense; I vill not fling her!” was the wholly unexpected +reply. “I do not love to play ze fool alvays!” + +“My dear Baron!” + +“Zat picture,” said the Baron, nodding his head solemnly towards the +portrait. “It is like ze Lord Tollyvoddle in ze print at ze hotel. I do +believe he is ze same.” + +“But I explained that he wasn't Tulliwuddle.” + +“He is so like,” repeated the Baron moodily. “He most be ze same.” + +Bunker looked at it and shook his head. + +“A different man, I assure you.” + +“Oh, ze devil!” replied the Baron. + +“What's the matter?” + +“I haff a head zat tvists and turns like my head never did since many +years.” + +The Count had already surmised as much. + +“Hang it out of the window,” he suggested. + +The Baron made no reply for some minutes. Then with an earnest air he +began-- + +“Bonker, I have somezing to say to you.” + +“You have the most sympathetic audience outside the clan.” + +The Count's cheerful tone did not seem to please his friend. + +“Your heart, he is too light, Bonker; ja, too light. Last night you did +engourage me not to be seemly.” + +“I!” + +“I did get almost dronk. If my head vas not so hard I should be dronk. +Das ist not right. If I am to be ze Tollyvoddle, it most be as I vould +be Von Blitzenberg. I most not forget zat I am not as ozzer men. I am +noble, and most be so accordingly.” + +“What steps do you propose to take?” inquired Bunker with perfect +gravity. + +The Baron stared at the picture. + +“Last night I had a dream. It vas zat man--at least, probably it vas, +for I cannot remember eggsactly. He did pursue me mit a kilt.” + +“With what did you defend yourself?” + +“I know not: I jost remember zat it should be a warning. Ve Blitzenbergs +have ze gift to dream.” + +The Baron rose from the table and lit a cigar. After three puffs he +threw it from him. + +“I cannot smoke,” he said dismally. “It has a onpleasant taste.” + +The Count assumed a seriously thoughtful air. + +“No doubt you will wish to see Miss Maddison as soon as possible and get +it over,” he began. “I have just learned that their place is about seven +miles away. We could borrow a trap this afternoon----” + +“Nein, nein!” interrupted the Baron. “Donnerwetter! Ach, no, it most not +be so soon. I most practise a leetle first. Not so immediately, Bonker.” + +Bunker looked at him with a glance of unfathomable calm. + +“I find that it will be necessary for you to observe one or two ancient +ceremonies, associated from time immemorial with the accession of a +Tulliwuddle. You are prepared for the ordeal?” + +“I most do my duty, Bonker.” + +“This suggests some more inspiring vision than the gentleman in the gold +frame,” thought the Count acutely. + +Aloud he remarked + +“You have high ideals, Baron.” + +“I hope so.” + +Again the Baron was the unconscious object of a humorous, perspicacious +scrutiny. + +“Last night I did hear zat moch was to be expected from me,” he observed +at length. + +“From Mrs. Gallosh?” + +“I do not zink it vas from Mrs. Gallosh.” + +Count Bunker smiled. + +“You inflamed all hearts last night,” said he. + +The Baron looked grave. + +“I did drink too moch last night. But I did not say vat I should not, +eh? I vas not rude or gross to--Mistair Gallosh?” + +“Not to Mr. Gallosh.” + +The Baron looked a trifle perturbed at the gravity of his tone. + +“I vas not too free, too undignified in presence of zat innocent and +charming lady--Miss Gallosh?” + +The air of scrutiny passed from Count Bunker's face, and a droll smile +came instead. + +“Baron, I understand your ideals and I appreciate your motives. As you +suggest, you had better rehearse your part quietly for a few days. Miss +Maddison will find you the more perfect suitor.” + +The Baron looked as though he knew not whether to feel satisfied or not. + +“By the way,” said the Count in a moment, “have you written to the +Baroness yet? Pardon me for reminding you, but you must remember that +your letters will have to go out to Russia and back.” + +The Baron started. + +“Teufel!” he exclaimed. “I most indeed write.” + +“The post goes at twelve.” + +The Baron reflected gloomily, and then slowly moved to the writing-table +and toyed with his pen. A few minutes passed, and then in a fretful +voice he asked-- + +“Vat shall I say?” + +“Tell her about your journey across Europe--how the crops look in +Russia--what you think of St. Petersburg--that sort of thing.” + +A silent quarter of an hour went by, and then the Baron burst out + +“Ach, I cannot write to-day! I cannot invent like you. Ze crops--I have +got zat--and zat I arrived safe--and zat Petersburg is nice. Vat else?” + +“Anything you can remember from text-books on Muscovy or illustrated +interviews with the Czar. Just a word or two, don't you know, to show +you've been there; with a few comments of your own.” + +“Vat like comments?” + +“Such as--'Somewhat annoyed with bombs this afternoon,' or 'This caused +me to reflect upon the disadvantages of an alcoholic marine'--any little +bit of philosophy that occurs to you.” + +The Baron pondered. + +“It is a pity zat I have not been in Rossia,” he observed. + +“On the other hand, it is a blessing your wife hasn't. Look at the +bright side of things, my dear fellow.” + +For a short time, from the way in which the Baron took hasty notes in +pencil and elaborated them in ink (according to the system of Professor +Virchausen), it appeared that he was following his friend's directions. +Later, from a sentimental look in his eye, the Count surmised that he +was composing an amorous addendum; and at last he laid down his pen with +a sigh which the cynical (but only the cynical) might have attributed to +relief. + +“Ha, my head he is getting more clear!” he announced. “Gom, let us +present ourselves to ze ladies, mine Bonker!” + + + +CHAPTER XII + +“It is necessary, Bonker--you are sure?” + +“No Tulliwuddle has ever omitted the ceremony. If you shirked, I am +assured on the very best authority that it would excite the gravest +suspicions of your authenticity.” + +Count Bunker spoke with an air of the most resolute conviction. Ever +since they arrived he had taken infinite pains to discover precisely +what was expected of the chieftain, and having by great good luck made +the acquaintance of an elderly individual who claimed to be the piper +of the clan, and who proved a perfect granary of legends, he was able to +supply complete information on every point of importance. Once the Baron +had endeavored to corroborate these particulars by interviewing the +piper himself, but they had found so much difficulty in understanding +one another's dialects that he had been content to trust implicitly to +his friend's information. The Count, indeed, had rather avoided than +sought advice on the subject, and the piper, after several confidential +conversations and the passage of a sum of silver into his sporran, +displayed an equally Delphic tendency. + +The Baron, therefore, argued the present point no longer. + +“It is jost a mere ceremony,” he said. “Ach, vell, nozing vill happen. +Zis ghost--vat is his name?” + +“It is known as the Wraith of the Tulliwuddles. The heir must interview +it within a week of coming to the Castle.” + +“Vere most I see him?” + +“In the armory, at midnight. You bring one friend, one candle, and wear +a bonnet with one eagle's feather in it. You enter at eleven and +wait for an hour--and, by the way, neither of you must speak above a +whisper.” + +“Pooh! Jost hombog!” said the Baron valiantly. “I do not fear soch +trash.” + +“When the Wraith appears----” + +“My goot Bonker, he vill not gom!” + +“Supposing he does come--and mind you, strange things happen in these +old buildings, particularly in the Highlands, and after dinner; if he +comes, Baron, you must ask him three questions.” + +The Baron laughed scornfully. + +“If I see a ghost I vill ask him many interesting questions--if he does +feel cold, and sochlike, eh? Ha, ha!” + +With an imperturbable gravity that was not without its effect upon the +other, however gaily he might talk, Bunker continued, + +“The three questions are: first, 'What art thou?' second, 'Why comest +thou here, O spirit?' third, 'What instructions desirest thou to give +me?' Strictly speaking, they ought to be asked in Gaelic, but exceptions +have been made on former occasions, and Mac-Dui--who pipes, by the way, +in the anteroom--assures me that English will satisfy the Wraith in your +case.” + +The Baron sniffed and laughed, and twirled up the ends of his mustaches +till they presented a particularly desperate appearance. Yet there was a +faint intonation of anxiety in his voice as he inquired-- + +“You vill gom as my friend, of course?” + +“I? Quite out of the question, I am sorry to say. To bring a foreigner +(as I am supposed to be) would rouse the clan to rebellion. No, Baron, +you have a chance of paying a graceful compliment to your host which you +must not lose. Ask Mr. Gallosh to share your vigil.” + +“Gallosh--he vould not be moch good sopposing--Ach, but nozing vill +happen! I vill ask him.” + +The pride of Mr. Gallosh on being selected as his lordship's friend on +this historic occasion was pleasant to witness. + +“It's just a bit of fiddle-de-dee,” he informed his delighted family. +“Duncan Gallosh to be looking for bogles is pretty ridiculous--but oh, I +can't refuse to disoblige his lordship.” + +“I should think not, when he's done you the honor to invite you out +of all his friends!” said Mrs. Gallosh warmly. “Eva! do you hear the +compliment that's been paid your papa?” + +Eva, their fair eldest daughter, came into the room at a run. She had +indeed heard (since the news was on every tongue), and impetuously she +flung her arms about her father's neck. + +“Oh, papa, do him credit!” she cried; “it's like a story come true! What +a romantic thing to happen!” + +“What a spirit!” her mother reflected proudly. “She is just the girl for +a chieftain's bride!” + +That very night was chosen for the ceremony, and eleven o'clock found +them all assembled breathless in the drawing-room: all, save Lord +Tulliwuddle and his host. + +“Will they have to wait for a whole hour?” asked Mrs. Gallosh in a low +voice. + +Indeed they all spoke in subdued accents. + +“I am told,” replied the Count, “that the apparition never appears till +after midnight has struck. Any time between twelve and one he may be +expected.” + +“Think of the terrible suspense after twelve has passed!” whispered Eva. + +The Count had thought of this. + +“I advised Duncan to take his flask,” said Mr. Rentoul, with a solemn +wink. “So he'll not be so badly off.” + +“Papa would never do such a thing to-night!” cried Eva. + +“It's always a kind of precaution,” said the sage. + +Presently Count Bunker, who had been imparting the most terrific +particulars of former interviews with the Wraith to the younger +Galloshes, remarked that he must pass the time by overtaking some +pressing correspondence. + +“You will forgive me, I hope, for shutting myself up for an hour or so,” + he said to his hostess. “I shall come back in time to learn the results +of the meeting.” + +And with the loss of his encouraging company a greater uneasiness fell +upon the party. + +Meanwhile, in a vast cavern of darkness, lit only by the solitary +candle, the Baron and his host endeavored to maintain the sceptical +buoyancy with which they had set forth upon their adventure. But the +chilliness of the room (they had no fire, and it was a misty night with +a moaning wind), the inordinate quantity of odd-looking shadows, and +the profound silence, were immediately destructive to buoyancy and +ultimately trying to scepticism. + +“I wish ze piper vould play,” whispered the Baron. + +“Mebbe he'll begin nearer the time,” his companion suggested. + +The Baron shivered. For the first time he had been persuaded to wear the +full panoply of a Highland chief, and though he had exhibited himself +to the ladies with much pride, and even in the course of dinner had +promised Eva Gallosh that he would never again don anything less +romantic, he now began to think that a travelling-rug of the Tulliwuddle +tartan would prove a useful addition to the outfit on the occasion of +a midnight vigil. Also the stern prohibition against talking aloud +(corroborated by the piper with many guttural warnings) grew more and +more irksome as the night advanced. + +“It's an awesome place,” whispered Mr. Gallosh. + +“I hardly thought it would have been as lonesome-like.” + +There was a tremor in his voice that irritated the Baron. + +“Pooh!” he answered, “it is jost vun old piece of hombog! I do not +believe in soch things myself.” + +“Neither do I, my lord; oh, neither do I; but--would you fancy a dram?” + +“Not for me, I zank you,” said his lordship stiffly. + +Blessing the foresight of Mr. Rentoul, his host unscrewed his flask and +had a generous swig. As he was screwing on the top again, the Baron, in +a less haughty voice, whispered, + +“Perhaps jost vun leetle taste.” + +They felt now for a few minutes more aggressively disposed. + +“Ve need not have ze curtain shut,” said the Baron. “Soppose you do draw +him?” + +Through the gloom Mr. Gallosh took one or two faltering steps. + +“Man, it's awful hard to see one's way,” he said nervously. + +The Baron took the candle, and with a martial stride escorted him to the +window. They pulled aside one corner of the heavy curtain, and then let +it fall again and hurried back. So far north there was indeed a gleam of +daylight left, but it was such a pale and ghostly ray, and the wreaths +of mist swept so eerily and silently across the pane, that candle-light +and shadows seemed vastly preferable. + +“How much more time will there be?” whispered Mr. Gallosh presently. + +“It is twenty-five minutes to twelve.” + +“Your lordship! Can we leave at twelve?” + +The Baron started. + +“Oh, Himmel!” he exclaimed. “Vy did I not realize before? If nozing +comes--and nozing vill come--ve most stay till one, I soppose.” + +Mr. Gallosh emitted something like a groan. + +“Oh my, and that candle will not last more than half an hour at the +most!” + +“Teufel!” said the Baron. “It vas Bonker did give him to me. He might +have made a more proper calculation.” + +The prospect was now gloomy indeed. An hour of candle-light had been +bad, but an hour of pitch darkness or of mist wreaths would be many +times worse. + +“A wee tastie more, my lord?” Mr. Gallosh suggested, in a voice whose +vibrations he made an effort to conceal. + +“Jost a vee,” said his lordship, hardly more firmly. + +With a dismal disregard for their suspense the minutes dragged +infinitely slowly. The flask was finished; the candle guttered and +flickered ominously; the very shadows grew restless. + +“There's a lot of secret doors and such like in this part of the +house--let's hope there'll be nothing coming through one of them,” said +Mr. Gallosh in a breaking voice. + +The Baron muttered an inaudible reply, and then with a start their +shoulders bumped together. + +“Damn it, what's yon!” whispered Mr. Gallosh. + +“Ze pipes! Gallosh, how beastly he does play!” + +In point of fact the air seemed to consist of only one wailing note. + +“Bong!”--they heard the first stroke of midnight on the big clock on +the Castle Tower; and so unfortunately had Count Bunker timed the candle +that on the instant its flame expired. + +“Vithdraw ze curtains!” gasped the Baron. + +“I canna, my lord! Oh, I canna!” wailed Mr. Gallosh, breaking out into +his broadest native Scotch. + +This time the Baron made no movement, and in the palpitating silence +the two sat through one long dark minute after another, till some ten of +them had passed. + +“I shall stand it no more!” muttered the Baron. “Ve vill creep for ze +door.” + +“My lord, my lord! For maircy's sake gie's a hold of you!” stammered Mr. +Gallosh, falling on his hands and knees and feeling for the skirt of his +lordship's kilt. + +But their flight was arrested by a portent so remarkable that had there +been only a single witness one would suppose it to be a figment of his +imagination. Fortunately, however, both the Baron and Mr. Gallosh can +corroborate each detail. About the middle, apparently, of the wall +opposite, an oblong of light appeared in the thickest of the gloom. + +“Mein Gott!” cried the Baron. + +“It's filled wi' reek!” gasped Mr. Gallosh. + +And indeed the space seemed filled with a slowly rising cloud of pungent +blue smoke. Then their horrified eyes beheld the figure of an undoubted +Being hazily outlined behind the cloud, and at the same time the piper, +as if sympathetically aware of the crisis, burst into his most dreadful +discords. A yell rang through the gloom, followed by the sounds of a +heavy body alternately scuffling across the floor and falling prostrate +over unseen furniture. The Baron felt for his host, and realized that +this was the escaping Gallosh. + +“Tulliwuddle! Speak!” a hollow voice muttered out of the smoke. + +The Baron has never ceased to exult over the hardihood he displayed in +this unnerving crisis. Rising to his feet and drawing his claymore, he +actually managed to stammer out-- + +“Who--who are you?” + +The Being (he could now perceive dimly that it was clad in tartan) +answered in the same deep, measured voice-- + + “Your senses to confound and fuddle, + Behold the Wraith of Tulliwuddle!” + + +This was sufficiently terrifying, one would think, to excuse the Baron +for following the example of his host. But, though he found afterwards +that he must have perspired freely, he courageously stood his ground. + +“Vy have you gomed here?” he demanded in a voice nearly as hollow as the +Wraith. + +As solemnly as before the spirit replied-- + + “From Pit that's bottomless and dark-- + Methinks I hear it shrieking--Hark!” + + +(The Baron certainly did hear a tumult that might well be termed +infernal; though whether it emanated from Mr. Gallosh, fiends, or the +piper, he could not at the moment feel certain.) + + “I came o'er many leagues of heather + To carry back the answer whether + The noble chieftain of my clan + Conducts him like a gentleman.” + + +After this warning, to put the third question required an effort of the +most supreme resolution. The Baron was equal to it, however. + +“Vat instroction do you give me?” he managed to utter. + +In the gravest accents the Wraith chanted-- + + “Hang ever kilt above the knee, + With Usquebaugh be not too free, + When toasts and sic'like games be mooted + See that your dram be well diluted; + And oh, if you'd escape from Hades, + Lord Tulliwuddle, 'ware the ladies!” + + +The spirit vanished as magically as he had appeared, and with this +solemn warning ringing in his ears, the Baron found himself in inky +darkness again. This time he did not hesitate to grope madly for the +door, but hardly had he reached it, when, with a fresh sensation of +horror, he stumbled upon a writhing form that seemed to be pawing the +panels. He was, fortunately; as quickly reassured by hearing the voice +of Mr. Gallosh exclaim in terrified accents-- + +“I canna find the haundle! Oh, Gosh, where's the haundle?” + +Being the less frenzied of the two, the Baron did succeed in finding the +handle, and with a gasp of relief burst into the lighted anteroom. The +piper had already departed, and evidently in haste, since he had +left some portion of a bottle of whisky unfinished. This fortunate +circumstance enabled them to recover something of their color, though, +even when he felt his blood warming again, Mr. Gallosh could scarcely +speak coherently of his terrible ordeal. + +“What an awfu' night! what an awfu' night!” he murmured. “Oh, my lord, +let's get out of this!” + +He was making for the door when the Baron seized his arm. + +“Vait!” he cried. “Ze danger is past! Ach, vas I not brave? Did you not +hear me speak to him? You can bear vitness how brave I vas, eh?” + +“I'll not swear I heard just exactly what passed, my lord. Man, I'll own +I was awful feared!” + +“Tuts! tuts!” said the Baron kindly. “Ve vill say nozing about zat. You +stood vell by me, I shall say. And you vill tell zem I did speak mit +courage to ze ghost.” + +“I will that!” said Mr. Gallosh. + +By the time they reached the drawing-room he had so far recovered his +equanimity as to prove a very creditable witness, and between them they +gave such an account of their adventure as satisfied even the excited +expectations of their friends; though the Baron thought it both prudent +and more becoming his dignity to leave considerable mystery attaching to +the precise revelations of his ancestral spirit. + +“Bot vere is Bonker?” he asked, suddenly noticing the absence of his +friend. + +A moment later the Count entered and listened with the greatest interest +to a second (and even more graphic) account of the adventure. More +intimate particulars still were confided to him when they had retired +to their own room, and he appeared as surprised and impressed as any +wraith-seer could desire. As they parted for the night, the Baron +started and sniffed at him. + +“Vat a strange smell you have!” he exclaimed. + +“Peat smoke, probably. This fire wouldn't draw.” + +“Strange!” mused the Baron. “I did smell a leetle smell of zat before +to-night.” + +“Yes; one notices it all through the house with an east wind.” + +This seemed to the Baron a complete explanation of the coincidence. + + + +CHAPTER XIII + +At the house in Belgrave Square at present tenanted by the Baron and +Baroness von Blitzenberg, an event of considerable importance had +occurred. This was nothing less than the arrival of the Countess of +Grillyer upon a visit both of affection and state. So important was she, +and so great the attachment of her daughter, that the preparations +for her reception would have served for a reigning sovereign. But the +Countess had an eye as quick and an appetite for respect as exacting as +Queen Elizabeth, and she had no sooner embraced the Baroness and kissed +her ceremoniously upon either cheek, than her glance appeared to seek +something that she deemed should have been there also. + +“And where is Rudolph?” she demanded. “Is he so very busy that he cannot +spare a moment even to welcome me?” + +The Baroness changed color, but with as easy an air as she could assume +she answered that Rudolph had most unfortunately been summoned from +England. + +“Indeed?” observed the Countess, and the observation was made in a tone +that suggested the advisability of a satisfactory explanation. + +This paragon among mothers and peeresses was a lady of majestic port, +whose ascendant expression and commanding voice were commonly held to +typify all that is best in the feudal system; or, in other words, to +indicate that her opinions had never been contradicted in her life. +When one of these is a firm belief in the holder's divine rights and +semi-divine origin, the effect is undoubtedly impressive. And the +Countess impressed. + +“My dear Alicia,” said she, when they had settled down to tea and +confidential talk, “you have not yet told me what has taken Rudolph +abroad again so soon.” + +On nothing had the Baron laid more stress than on the necessity of +maintaining the most profound secrecy respecting his mission. “No, not +even to your mozzer most you say. My love, you vill remember?” had been +almost his very last words before departing for St. Petersburg. His +devoted wife had promised this not once, but many times, while his +finger was being shaken at her, and would have scorned herself had she +thought it possible to break her vows. + +“That is a secret, mamma,” she declared. + +Her mother opened her eyes. + +“A secret from me, Alicia?” + +“Rudolph made me promise.” + +“Not to tell your friends--but that hardly was intended to include your +mother.” + +The Baroness looked uncomfortable. + +“I--I'm afraid----” she began, and stopped in hesitation. + +“Did he specifically include me?” demanded the Countess in an altered +tone. + +“I think, mamma, he did,” her daughter faltered. + +“Ah!” + +And there was a world of meaning in that comment. + +“Believe me, mamma, it is something very, very important, or Rudolph +would certainly have let me tell you all about it.” + +Lady Grillyer opened her eyes still wider. + +“Then I am to understand that he wishes to conceal from me anything that +he considers of importance?” + +“Oh, no! Not that! I only mean that this thing is very secret.” + +“Alicia,” pronounced the Countess, “when a man specifically conceals +anything from his mother-in-law, you may be quite certain that she ought +to be informed of it at once.” + +“I--I can't, mamma!” + +“A trip to Germany--for it is there, I presume, he has gone--back to the +scenes of his bachelorhood, unprotected by the influence of his wife! Do +you call that a becoming procedure?” + +“But he hasn't gone to Germany.” + +“He has no business anywhere else!” + +“You forget his diplomatic duties.” + +“Ah! He professes to have gone on diplomatic business?” + +“Professes, mamma?” exclaimed the poor Baroness. “How can you say such a +thing! He certainly has gone on a diplomatic mission!” + +“To Paris, no doubt?” suggested Lady Grillyer, with an intonation that +made it quite impossible not to contradict her. + +“Certainly not! He has gone to Russia.” + +The more the Countess learned, the more anxious she appeared to grow. + +“To Russia, on a diplomatic mission? This is incredible, Alicia!” + +“Why should it be incredible?” demanded Alicia, flushing. + +“Because he is a mere tyro in diplomacy. Because there is a German +embassy at Petersburg, and they would not send a man from London on a +mission--at least, it is most unlikely.” + +“It seems to me quite natural,” declared the Baroness. + +She was showing more fight than her mother had ever encountered from her +before, and the opposition seemed to inflame Lady Grillyer's resentment +against the unfilial couple. + +“You know nothing about it! What is this mission about?” + +“That certainly is a secret,” said Alicia, relieved that there was +something left to keep her promise over. + +“Has he gone alone?” + +“I--I mustn't tell you, mamma.” + +Alicia's face betrayed this subterfuge. + +“You do not know yourself, Alicia,” said the Countess incisively. “And +so you need no longer pretend to be keeping a secret from me. It now +becomes our joint business to discover the actual truth. Do not attempt +to wrangle with me further! This investigation is necessary for your +peace of mind, dear.” + +The unfortunate Baroness dropped a silent tear. Her peace of mind had +been serenely undisturbed till this moment, and now it was only broken +by the thought of her husband's displeasure should he ever learn how she +had disobeyed his injunctions. Further investigation was the very last +thing to cure it, she said to herself bitterly. She looked piteously +at her parent, but there she only saw an expression of concentrated +purpose. + +“Have you any reason, Alicia, to suspect an attachment--an affair of any +kind?” + +“Mamma!” + +“Do not jump in that excitable manner. Think quietly. He has evidently +returned to Germany for some purpose which he wishes to conceal from us: +the natural supposition is that a woman is at the bottom of it.” + +“Rudolph is incapable----” + +“No man is incapable who is in the full possession of his faculties. I +know them perfectly.” + +“But, mamma, I cannot bear to think of such a thing!” + +“That is a merely middle-class prejudice. I can't imagine where you have +picked it up.” + +In point of fact, during Alicia's girlhood Lady Grillyer had always been +at the greatest pains to preserve her daughter's innocent simplicity, +as being preeminently a more marketable commodity than precocious +worldliness. But if reminded of this she would probably have retorted +that consistency was middle-class also. + +“I have no reason to suspect anything of the sort,” the Baroness +declared emphatically. + +Her mother indulged her with a pitying smile and inquired-- + +“What other explanation can you offer? Among his men friends is there +anyone likely to lead him into mischief?” + +“None--at least----” + +“Ah!” + +“He promised me he would avoid Mr. Bunker--I mean Mr. Essington.” + +The Countess started. She had vivid and exceedingly distasteful +recollections of Mr. Bunker. + +“That man! Are they still acquainted?” + +“Acquainted--oh yes; but I give Rudolph credit for more sense and more +truthfulness than to renew their friendship.” + +The Countess pondered with a very grave expression upon her face, while +Alicia gently wiped her eyes and ardently wished that her honest Rudolph +was here to defend his character and refute these baseless insinuations. +At length her mother said with a brisker air-- + +“Ah! I know exactly what we must do. I shall make a point of seeing Sir +Justin Wallingford tomorrow.” + +“Sir Justin Wallingford!” + +“If anybody can obtain private information for us he can. We shall soon +learn whether the Baron has been sent to Russia.” + +Alicia uttered a cry of protest. Sir Justin, ex-diplomatist, author of +a heavy volume of Victorian reminiscences, and confidant of many public +personages, was one of her mother's oldest friends; but to her he was +only one degree less formidable than the Countess, and quite the last +person she would have chosen for consultation upon this, or indeed upon +any other subject. + +“I am not going to intrust my husband's secrets to him!” she exclaimed. + +“I am,” replied the Countess. + +“But I won't allow it! Rudolph would be----” + +“Rudolph has only himself to blame. My dear Alicia, you can trust Sir +Justin implicitly. When my child's happiness is at stake I would consult +no one who was not discretion itself. I am very glad I thought of him.” + +The Baroness burst into tears. + +“My child, my child!” said her mother compassionately. “The world is no +Garden of Eden, however much we may all try to make it so.” + +“You--you don't se--seem to be trying now, mamma.” + +“May Heaven forgive you, my darling,” pronounced the Countess piously. + + + +CHAPTER XIV + +“Sir Justin,” said the Countess firmly, “please tell my daughter exactly +what you have discovered.” + +Sir Justin Wallingford sat in the drawing-room at Belgrave Square with +one of these ladies on either side of him. He was a tall, gaunt man +with a grizzled black beard, a long nose, and such a formidably solemn +expression that ambitious parents were in the habit of wishing that +their offspring might some day be as wise as Sir Justin Wallingford +looked. His fund of information was prodigious, while his reasoning +powers were so remarkable that he had never been known to commit the +slightest action without furnishing a full and adequate explanation of +his conduct. Thus the discrimination shown by the Countess in choosing +him to restore a lady's peace of mind will at once be apparent. + +“The results of my inquiries,” he pronounced, “have been on the whole +of a negative nature. If this mission on which the Baron von Blitzenberg +professes to be employed is in fact of an unusually delicate nature, +it is just conceivable that the answer I received from Prince +Gommell-Kinchen, when I sounded him at the Khalifa's luncheon, may have +been intended merely to throw dust in my eyes. At the same time, his +highness appeared to speak with the candor of a man who has partaken, +not excessively, you understand, but I may say freely, of the pleasures +of the table.” + +He looked steadily first at one lady and then at the other, to let this +point sink in. + +“And what did the Prince say?” asked the Baroness, who, in spite of her +supreme confidence in her husband, showed a certain eager nervousness +inseparable from a judicial inquiry. + +“He told me--I merely give you his word, and not my own opinion; you +perfectly understand that, Baroness?” + +“Oh yes,” she answered hurriedly. + +“He informed me that, in fact, the Baron had been obliged to ask for a +fortnight's leave of absence to attend to some very pressing and private +business in connection with his Silesian estates.” + +“I think, Alicia, we may take that as final,” said her mother +decisively. + +“Indeed _I_ shan't!” cried Alicia warmly. “That was just an excuse, of +course. Rudolph's business is so very delicate that--that--well, that +you could only expect Prince Gommell-Kinchen to say something of that +sort.” + +“What do you say to that, Sir Justin?” demanded the Countess. + +With the air of a man doing what was only his duty, he replied-- + +“I say that I think it is improbable. In fact, since you demand to know +the truth, I may inform you that the Prince added that leave of absence +was readily given, since the Baron's diplomatic duties are merely +nominal. To quote his own words, 'Von Blitzenberg is a nice fellow, and +it pleases the English ladies to play with him.'” + +Even Lady Grillyer was a trifle taken aback at this description of her +son-in-law, while Alicia turned scarlet with anger. + +“I don't believe he said anything of the sort!” she cried. “You both of +you only want to hurt me and insult Rudolph! I won't stand it!” + +She was already on her feet to leave them, when her mother stopped her, +and Sir Justin hastened to explain. + +“No reflection upon the Baron's character was intended, I assure you. +The Prince merely meant to imply that he represented the social rather +than the business side of the embassy. And both are equally necessary, I +assure you--equally essential, Baroness, believe me.” + +“In fact,” said the Countess, “the remark comes to this, that Rudolph +would never be sent to Russia, whatever else they might expect of him.” + +Even through their tears Alicia's eyes brightened with triumph. + +“But he HAS gone, mamma! I got a letter from him this morning--from St. +Petersburg!” + +The satisfaction of her two physicians on hearing this piece of good +news took the form of a start which might well have been mistaken for +mere astonishment, or even for dismay. + +“And you did not tell ME of it!” cried her mother. + +“Rudolph did not wish me to. I have only told you now to prove how +utterly wrong you both are.” + +“Let me see this letter!” + +“Indeed, mamma, I won't!” + +The two ladies looked at one another with such animosity that Sir Justin +felt called upon to interfere. + +“Suppose the Baroness were to read us as much as is necessary to +convince us that there is no possibility of a mistake,” he suggested. + +So profoundly did the Countess respect his advice that she graciously +waived her maternal rights so far as actually following the text with +her eyes went; while her daughter, after a little demur, was induced to +depart this one step further from her husband's injunctions. + +“You have no objections to my glancing at the post-mark?” said Sir +Justin when this point was settled. + +With a toss of her head the Baroness silently handed him the envelope. + +“It seems correct,” he observed cautiously. + +“But post-marks can be forged, can't they?” inquired the Countess. + +“I fear they can,” he admitted, with a sorrowful air. + +Scorning to answer this insinuation, the Baroness proceeded to read +aloud the following extracts: + +“'I travelled with comfort through Europe, and having by many countries +passed, such as Germany and others, I arrived, my dear Alicia, in +Russia.'” + +“Is that all he says about his journey?” interrupted Lady Grillyer. + +“It is certainly a curiously insufficient description of a particularly +interesting route,” commented Sir Justin. + +“It almost seems as if he didn't know what other countries lie between +England and Russia,” added the Countess. + +“It only means that he knows geography doesn't interest me!” replied +Alicia. “And he does say more about his journey--'Alone by myself, in +a carriage very quietly I travelled.' And again--'To be observed not +wishing, and strict orders being given to me, with no man I spoke all +the way.' There!” + +“That certainly makes it more difficult to check his statements,” Sir +Justin admitted. + +“Ah, he evidently thought of that!” said the Countess. “If he had said +there was anyone with him, we could have asked him afterwards who it +was. What a pity! Read on, my child--we are vastly interested.” + +Thus encouraged, the Baroness continued + +“'In Russia the crops are good, and from my window with pleasure I +observe them. Petersburg is a nice town, and I have a pleasant apartment +in it!'” + +“What!” exclaimed the Countess. “He is looking at the crops from his +window in St. Petersburg!” + +Sir Justin grimly pursed his lips, but his silence was more ominous +than speech. In fact, the Baron's unfortunate effort at realism by the +introduction of his window struck the first blow at his wife's implicit +trust in him. She was evidently a little disconcerted, though she +stoutly declared-- + +“He is evidently living in the suburbs, mamma.” + +“Will you be so kind as to read on a little farther?” interposed Sir +Justin in a grave voice. + +“'The following reflections have I made. Russia is very large and cold, +where people in furs are to be seen, and sledges. Bombs are thrown +sometimes, and the marine is not good when it does drink too much.' Now, +mamma, he must have seen these things or he wouldn't put them in his +letter.” + +The Baroness broke of somewhat hurriedly to make this comment, almost +indeed as though she felt it to be necessary. As for her two comforters, +they looked at one another with so much sorrow that their eyes gleamed +and their lips appeared to smile. + +“The Baron did not write that letter in Russia,” said Sir Justin +decisively. “Furs are not worn in summer, nor do the inhabitants travel +in sledges at this time of the year.” + +“But--but he doesn't say he actually saw them,” pleaded the Baroness. + +“Then that remark, just like the rest of his reflections, makes utter +nonsense,” rejoined her mother. + +“Is that all?” inquired Sir Justin. + +“Almost all--all that is important,” faltered the Baroness. + +“Let us hear the rest,” said her mother inexorably. + +“There is only a postscript, and that merely says--'The flask that you +filled I thank you for; it was so large that it was sufficient for----' +I can't read the last word.” + +“Let me see it, Alicia.” + +A few minutes ago Alicia would have torn the precious letter up rather +than let another eye fall upon it. That her devotion was a little +disturbed was proved by her allowing her two advisers to study even a +single sentence. Keeping her hand over the rest, she showed it to them. +They bent their brows, and then simultaneously exclaimed-- + +“'Us both!'” + +“Oh, it can't be!” cried the poor Baroness. + +“It is absolutely certain,” said her mother in a terrible voice--“'It +was so large that it was sufficient for us both!'” + +“There is no doubt about it,” corroborated Sir Justin sternly. “The +unfortunate young man has inadvertently confessed his deception.” + +“It cannot be!” murmured the Baroness. “He said at the beginning that he +travelled quite alone.” + +“That is precisely what condemns him,” said her mother. + +“Precisely,” reiterated Sir Justin. + +The Baroness audibly sobbed, while the two patchers of her peace of mind +gazed at her commiserately. + +“What am I to do?” she asked at length. “I can't believe he really---- +But how am I to find out?” + +“I shall make further investigations,” promptly replied Sir Justin. + +“And I also,” added the Countess. + +“Meanwhile,” said Sir Justin, “we shall be exceedingly interested to +learn what further particulars of his wanderings the Baron supplies you +with.” + +“Yes,” observed the Countess, “he can fortunately be trusted to betray +himself. You will inform me, Alicia, as soon as you hear from him +again.” + +Her daughter made no reply. + +Sir Justin rose and bade them a grave farewell. + +“In my daughter's name I thank you cordially,” said the Countess, as she +pressed his hand. + +“Anything I have done has been a pleasure to me,” he assured them with a +sincerity there was no mistaking. + + + +CHAPTER XV + +In an ancient and delightful garden, where glimpses of the loch below +gleamed through a mass of summer foliage, and the gray castle walls +looked down on smooth, green glades, the Baron slowly paced the shaven +turf. But he did not pace it quite alone, for by his side moved +a graceful figure in a wide, sun-shading hat and a frock entirely +irresistible. Beneath the hat, by bending a little down, you could have +seen the dark liquid eyes and tender lips of Eva Gallosh. And the Baron +frequently bent down. + +“I am proud of everyzing zat I find in my home,” said the Baron +gallantly. + +The lady's color rose, but not apparently in anger. + +“Ach, here is a pretty leetle seat!” he exclaimed in a tone of pleased +discovery, just as though he had not been leading her insidiously +towards it ever since they, came into the garden. + +It was, indeed, a most shady and secluded bench, an ideal seat for any +gallant young Baron who had left his Baroness sufficiently far away. He +glanced down complacently upon his brawny knees, displayed (he could +not but think) to great advantage beneath his kilt and sporran, and then +with a tenderer complacency, turned his gaze upon his fair companion. + +“You say you like me in ze tartan?” he murmured. + +“I adore everything Highland! Oh, Lord Tulliwuddle, how fortunate you +are!” + +Nature had gifted Miss Gallosh with a generous share of romantic +sentiment. It was she who had egged on her father to rent this Highland +castle for the summer, instead of chartering a yacht as he had done for +the past few years; and ever since they had come here that sentiment +had grown, till she was ready to don the white cockade and plot a new +Jacobite uprising. Then, while her heart was in this inspired condition, +a noble young chief had stepped in to complete the story. No wonder her +dark eyes burned. + +“What attachment you must feel for each stone of the Castle!” she +continued in a rapt voice. “How your heart must beat to remember that +your great-grandfather--wasn't his name Fergus?” + +“Fergus: yes,” said the Baron, blindly but promptly. + +“No, no; it was Ian, of course.” + +“Ach, so! Ian he vas.” + +“You were thinking of his father,” she smiled. + +“Yes, his fazzer.” + +She reflected sagely. + +“I am afraid I get my facts mixed up some times. Ian--ah, Reginald came +before him--not Fergus!” + +“Reginald--oh yes, so he did!” + +She looked a trifle disappointed. + +“If I were you I should know them all by heart,” said she. + +“I vill learn zem. Oh yes, I most not make soch mistakes.” + +Indeed he registered a very sincere vow to study his family history that +afternoon. + +“What was I saying? Oh yes--about your brave great-grandfather. Do you +know, Lord Tulliwuddle, I want to ask you a strange favor? You won't +think it very odd of me?” + +“Odd? Never! Already it is granted.” + +“I want to hear from your own lips--from the lips of an actual Lord +Tulliwuddle--the story of your ancestor Ian's exploit.” + +With beseeching eyes and a face flushed with a sense of her presumption, +she uttered this request in a voice that tore the Baron with conflicting +emotions. + +“Vich exploit do you mean?” he asked in a kindly voice but with a +troubled eye. + +“You must know! When he defended the pass, of course.” + +“Ach, so!” + +The Baron looked at her, and though he boasted of no such inventive +gifts as his friend Bunker, his ardent heart bade him rather commit +himself to perdition than refuse. + +“You will tell it to me?” + +“I vill!” + +Making as much as possible of the raconteur's privileges of clearing his +throat, settling himself into good position, and gazing dreamily at the +tree-tops for inspiration, he began in a slow, measured voice-- + +“In ze pass he stood. Zen gomed his enemies. He fired his gon and +shooted some dead. Zen did zey run avay. Zat vas vat happened.” + +When he ventured to meet her candid gaze after thus lamely libelling his +forefather, he was horrified to observe that she had already recoiled +some feet away from him, and seemed still to be in the act of recoiling. + +“It would have been kinder to tell me at once that I had asked too +much!” she exclaimed in a voice affected by several emotions. “I only +wanted to hear you repeat his death-cry as his foes slew him, so that it +might always seem more real to me. And you snub me like this!” + +The Baron threw himself upon one knee. + +“Forgive me! I did jost lose mine head mit your eyes looking so at me! I +get confused, you are so lovely! I did not mean to snob!” + +In the ardor of his penitence he discovered himself holding her hand; +she no longer seemed to be recoiling; and Heaven knows what might have +happened next if an ostentatious sound of whistling had not come to +their rescue. + +“Bot you vill forgive?” he whispered, as they sprang up from their shady +seat. + +“Ye-es,” she answered, just as the serene glance of Count Bunker fell +humorously upon them. + +“You seem to have been plucking flowers, Tulliwuddle,” he observed. + +“Flowers? Oh, no.” + +The Count glanced pointedly at his soiled knee. + +“Indeed!” said he. “Don't I see traces of a flower-bed?” + +“I think I should go in,” murmured Eva, and she was gone before the +Count had time to frame a compensating speech. + +His friend Tulliwuddle looked at him with marked displeasure, yet seemed +to find some difficulty in adequately expressing it. + +“I do not care for vat you said,” he remarked stiffly. “Nor for ze look +now on your face.” + +“Baron,” said the Count imperturbably, “what did you tell me the Wraith +said to you--something about 'Beware of the ladies,' wasn't it?” + +“You do not onderstand. Ze ghost” (he found some difficulty in +pronouncing the spirit's chosen name) “did soppose naturally zat I vas +ze real Lord Tollyvoddle, who is, as you have told me yourself, Bonker, +somezing of a fast fish. Ze varning vas to him obviously, so you should +not turn it upon me.” + +Bunker opened his eyes. + +“A deuced ingenious argument,” he commented. “It wouldn't have occurred +to me if you hadn't explained. Then you claim the privilege of wooing +whom you wish?” + +“Wooing! You forget zat I am married, Bonker.” + +“Oh no, I remember perfectly.” + +His tone disturbed the Baron. Taking the Count's arm, he said to him +with moving earnestness-- + +“Have I not told you how constant I am--like ze magnet and ze pole?” + +“I have heard you employ the simile.” + +“Ach, bot it is true! I am inside my heart so constant as it is +possible! But I now represent Tollyvoddle, and for his sake most try to +do my best.” + +Again Count Bunker glanced at his knee. + +“And that is your best, then?” + +“Listen, Bonker, and try to onderstand--not jost to make jokes. It +appears to me zat Miss Gallosh vill make a good vife to Tollyvoddle. She +is so fair, so amiable, and so rich. Could he do better? Should I not +lay ze foundations of a happy marriage mit her? Soppose ve do get her +instead of Miss Maddison, eh?” + +His artful eloquence seemed to impress his friend, for he smiled +thoughtfully and did not reply at once. More persuasively than ever the +Baron continued-- + +“I do believe mit patience and mit--er--mit kindness, Bonker, I might +persuade Miss Gallosh to listen to ze proposal of Tollyvoddle. And vould +it not be better far to get him a lady of his own people, and not a +stranger from America? Ve vill not like Miss Maddison, I feel sure. Vy +troble mit her--eh, Bonker?” + +“But don't you think, Baron, that we ought to give Tulliwuddle his +choice? He may prefer an American heiress to a Scottish.” + +“Not if he sees Eva Gallosh!” + +Again the Count gently raised his eyebrows in a way that the Baron could +not help considering unsuitable to the occasion. + +“On the other hand, Baron, Miss Maddison will probably have five or ten +times as much money as Miss Gallosh. In arranging a marriage for another +man, one must attend to such trifles as a few million dollars more or +less.” + +For the moment the Baron was silenced, but evidently not convinced. + +“Supposing I were to call upon the Maddisons as your envoy?” suggested +Bunker, who, to tell the truth, had already begun to tire of a life of +luxurious inaction. + +“Pairhaps in a few days we might gonsider it.” + +“We have been here for a week already.” + +“Ven vould you call?” + +“To-morrow, for instance.” + +The Baron frowned; but argument was difficult. + +“You only jost vill go to see?” + +“And report to you.” + +“And suppose she is ogly--or not so nice--or so on----zen vill I not see +her, eh?” + +“But suppose she is tolerable?” + +“Zen vill ve give him a choice, and I vill continue to be polite to Miss +Gallosh. Ah, Bonker, she is so nice! He vill not like Miss Maddison so +vell! Himmel, I do admire her!” + +The Baron's eyes shone with reminiscent affection. + +“To how many poles is the magnet usually constant?” inquired the Count +with a serious air. + +The Baron smiled a little foolishly, and then, with a confidential air, +replied-- + +“Ach, Bonker, marriage is blessed and it is happy, and it is +everyzing that my heart desires; only I jost sometimes vish it vas not +qvite--qvite so uninterruptable!” + + + +CHAPTER XVI + +In a dog-cart borrowed from his obliging host, Count Bunker approached +the present residence of Mr. Darius P. Maddison. He saw, and--in his +client's interest--noted with approval the efforts that were being +made to convert an ordinary fishing-lodge into a suitable retreat for a +gentleman worth so many million dollars. “Corryvohr,” as the house was +originally styled, or “Lincoln Lodge,” as the patriotic Silver King had +re-named it, had already been enlarged for his reception by the addition +of four complete suites of apartments, each suitable for a nobleman +and his retinue, an organ hall, 10,000 cubic yards of scullery +accommodation, and a billiard-room containing three tables. But since he +had taken up his residence there he had discovered the lack of several +other essentials for a quiet “mountain life” (as he appropriately +phrased it), and these defects were rapidly being remedied as our friend +drove up. The conservatory was already completed, with the exception +of the orchid and palm houses; the aviary was practically ready, and +several crates of the rarer humming-birds were expected per goods train +that evening; while a staff of electricians could be seen erecting the +private telephone by which Mr. Maddison proposed to keep himself in +touch with the silver market. + +The Count had no sooner pressed the electric bell than a number of +men-servants appeared, sufficient to conduct him in safety to a handsome +library fitted with polished walnut, and carpeted as softly as the moss +on a mountain-side. Having sent in his card, he entertained himself by +gazing out of the window and wondering what strange operation was +being conducted on a slope above the house, where a grove of pines were +apparently being rocked to and fro by a concourse of men with poles and +pulleys. But he had not to wait long, for with a promptitude that gave +one some inkling of the secret of Mr. Maddison's business success, the +millionaire entered. + +In a rapid survey the Count perceived a tall man in the neighborhood +of sixty: gray-haired, gray-eyed, and gray-faced. The clean-shaved and +well-cut profile included the massive foundation of jaw which Bunker +had confidently anticipated, and though his words sounded florid in a +European ear, they were uttered in a voice that corresponded excellently +with this predominant chin. + +“I am very pleased to see you, sir, very pleased indeed,” he assured the +Count not once but several times, shaking him heartily by the hand and +eyeing him with a glance accustomed to foresee several days before his +fellows the probable fluctuations in the price of anything. + +“I have taken the liberty of calling upon you in the capacity of Lord +Tulliwuddle's confidential friend,” the Count began. “He is at present, +as you may perhaps have learned, visiting his ancestral possessions----” + +“My dear sir, for some days we have been expecting his lordship and +yourself to honor us with a visit,” Mr. Maddison interposed. “You need +not trouble to introduce yourself. The name of Count Bunker is already +familiar to us.” + +He bowed ceremoniously as he spoke, and the Count with no less +politeness laid his hand upon his heart and bowed also. + +“I looked forward to the meeting with pleasure,” he replied. “But it has +already exceeded my anticipations.” + +He would have still further elaborated these assurances, but with his +invariable tact he perceived a shrewd look in the millionaire's eye that +warned him he had to do with a man accustomed to flowery preliminaries +from the astutest manipulators of a deal. + +“I am only sorry you should find our little cottage in such disorder,” + said Mr. Maddison. “The contractor for the conservatory undertook to +erect it in a week, and my only satisfaction is that he is now paying me +a forfeit of 500 dollars a day. As for the electricians in this country, +sir, they are not incompetent men, but they must be taught to hustle if +they are to work under American orders; and I don't quite see how they +are to find a job anyways else.” + +He turned to the window with a more satisfied air. + +“Here, however, you will perceive a tolerably satisfactory piece of +work. I guess those trees will be ready pretty near as soon as the +capercailzies are ready for them.” + +Count Bunker opened his eyes. + +“Do I understand that you are erecting a pine wood?” + +“You do. That fir forest is my daughter's notion. She thought ordinary +plane-trees looked kind of unsuitable for our mountain home. The land +of Burns and of the ill-fated Claverhouse, Viscount Dundee, should have +more appropriate foliage than that! Well, sir, it took four hundred men +just three days to remove the last traces of the last root of the last +of those plane-trees.” + +“And the pines, I suppose, you brought from a neighboring wood?” said +the Count, patriotically endeavoring not to look too dumbfoundered. + +“No, sir. Lord Tulliwuddle's factor was too slow for me--said he must +consult his lordship before removing the timber on the estate. I cabled +to Norway: the trees arrived yesterday in Aberdeen, and I guess half +of them are as near perpendicular by now as a theodolite can make them. +They are being erected, sir, on scientific principles.” + +Restraining his emotion with a severe effort, Bunker quietly observed + +“Very good idea. I don't know that it would have occurred to me to land +them at Aberdeen.” + +From the corner of his eye he saw that his composure had produced a +distinct impression, but he found it hard to retain it through the +Silver King's next statement. + +“You have taken a long lease of Lincoln Lodge, I presume?” he inquired. + +“One year,” said Mr. Maddison. “But I reckon to be comfortable if I'm +spending twenty minutes at a railroad junction.” + +“Ah!” responded the Count, “in that case shifting a forest must be +child's-play.” + +The millionaire smiled affably at this pleasantry and invited his guest +to be seated. + +“You will try something American, I hope, Count Bunker?” he asked, +touching the bell. + +Count Bunker, rightly conceiving this to indicate a cock-tail, replied +that he would, and in as nearly seven and a half seconds as he could +calculate, a tray appeared with two of these remarkable compounds. +Following his host's example, the Count threw his down at a gulp. + +“The same,” said Mr. Maddison simply. And in an almost equally brief +space the same arrived. + +“Now,” said he, when they were alone again, “I hope you will pardon +me, Count, if I am discourteous enough to tell you that my time is +uncomfortably cramped. When I first came here I found that I was +expected to stand upon the shore of the river for two hours on the +chance of catching one salmon. But I have changed all that. As soon as I +step outside my door, my ghillie brings me my rod, and if there ain't +a salmon at the end for me to land, another ghillie will receive his +salary. Since lunch I have caught a fish, despatched fifteen cablegrams, +and dictated nine letters. I am only on holiday here, and if I don't get +through double that amount in the next two hours I scarcely see my way +to do much more fishing to-day. That being so, let us come right to +the point. You bring some kind of proposition from Lord Tulliwuddle, I +guess?” + +During his drive the Count had cogitated over a number of judicious +methods of opening the delicate business; but his adaptability was equal +to the occasion. In as business-like a tone as his host, he replied-- + +“You are quite right, Mr. Maddison. Lord Tulliwuddle has deputed me to +open negotiations for a certain matrimonial project.” + +Mr. Maddison's expression showed his appreciation of this candor and +delicacy. + +“Well,” said he, “to be quite frank, Count, I should have thought all +the better of his lordship if he had been a little more prompt about the +business.” + +“It is not through want of admiration for Miss Maddison, I assure +you----” + +“No,” interrupted Mr. Maddison, “it is because he does not realize the +value of time--which is considerably more valuable than admiration, I +can assure you. Since I discussed the matter with Lord Tulliwuddle's +aunt we have had several more buyers--I should say, suitors--in the +market--er--in the field, Count Bunker. But so far, fortunately for his +lordship, my Eleanor has not approved of the samples sent, and if +he still cares to come forward we shall be pleased to consider his +proposition.” + +The millionaire looked at him out of an impenetrable eye; and the Count +in an equally guarded tone replied, + +“I greatly approve of putting things on so sound a footing, and with +equal frankness I may tell you--in confidence, of course--that Lord +Tulliwuddle also is not without alternatives. He would, however, prefer +to offer his title and estates to Miss Maddison, provided that there is +no personal objection to be found on either side.” + +Mr. Maddison's eye brightened and his tone warmed. + +“Sir,” said he, “I guess there won't be much objection to Eleanor +Maddison when your friend has seen her. Without exaggeration, I may say +that she is the most beautiful girl in America, and that is to say, the +most beautiful girl anywhere. The precise amount of her fortune we can +discuss, supposing the necessity arrives: but I can assure you it will +be sufficient to set three of your mortgaged British aristocrats upon +their legs again. No, sir, the objection will not come from THAT side!” + +With a gentle smile and a deprecatory gesture the Count answered, “I +am convinced that Miss Maddison is all--indeed, more than all--your +eloquence has painted. On the other hand, I trust that you will not be +disappointed in my friend Tulliwuddle.” + +Mr. Maddison crossed his legs and interlocked his fingers like a man +about to air his views. This, in fact, was what he proceeded to do. + +“My opinion of aristocracies and the pampered individuals who compose +them is the opinion of an intelligent and enlightened democrat. I see +them from the vantage-ground of a man who has made his own way in the +world unhampered by ancestry, who has dwelt in a country fortunately +unencumbered by such hindrances to progress, and who has no personal +knowledge of their defects. You will admit that I speak with unusual +opportunities of forming a judgment?” + +“You should have the impartiality of a missionary,” said Bunker gravely. + +“That is so, sir. Now, in proposing to marry my daughter to a member of +this class, I am actuated solely by a desire to take advantage of +the opportunities such an alliance would confer. I am still perfectly +clear?” + +“Perfectly,” replied Bunker, with the same profound gravity. + +“In consequence,” resumed the millionaire, with the impressiveness of +a logician drawing a conclusion from two irrefutable premises--“in +consequence, Count Bunker, I demand--and my daughter demands--and my +son demands, sir, that the nobleman should possess an unusual number of +high-class, fire-proof, expert-guaranteed qualities. That is only fair, +you must admit?” + +“I agree with you entirely.” + +Mr. Maddison glanced at the clock and sprang to his feet. + +“I have not the pleasure of knowing my neighbor, Mr. Gallosh,” he said, +resuming his brisk business tone; “but I beg you to convey to him and to +his wife and daughter my compliments--and my daughter's compliments--and +tell them that we hope they will excuse ceremony and bring Lord +Tulliwuddle to luncheon to-morrow.” + +Count Bunker expressed his readiness to carry this message, and the +millionaire even more briskly resumed-- + +“I shall now give myself the pleasure of presenting you to my son and +daughter.” + +With his swiftest strides he escorted his distinguished guest to another +room, flung the door open, announced, “My dears, Count Bunker!” and +pressed the Count's hand even as he was effecting this introduction. + +“Very pleased to have met you, Count. Good day,” he ejaculated, and +vanished on the instant. + + + +CHAPTER XVII + +Raising his eyes after the profound bow which the Count considered +appropriate to his character of plenipotentiary, he beheld at last +the object of his mission; and whether or not she was the absolutely +peerless beauty her father had vaunted, he at once decided that she was +lovely enough to grace Hechnahoul, or any other, Castle. Black eyes +and a mass of coal-black hair, an ivory pale skin, small well-chiselled +features, and that distinctively American plumpness of contour--these +marked her face; while as for her figure, it was the envy of her women +friends and the distraction of all mankind who saw her. + +“Fortunate Baron!” thought Bunker. + +Beside her, though sufficiently in the rear to mark the relative +position of the sexes in the society they adorned, stood Darius P. +Maddison, junior--or “Ri,” in the phrase of his relatives and friends--a +broad-shouldered, well-featured young man, with keen eyes, a mouth +compressed with the stern resolve to die richer than Mr. Rockefeller, +and a pair of perfectly ironed trousers. + +“I am very delighted to meet you,” declared the heiress. + +“Very honored to have this pleasure,” said the brother. + +“While I enjoy both sensations,” replied the Count, with his most +agreeable smile. + +A little preliminary conversation ensued, in the course of which the two +parties felt an increasing satisfaction in one another's society; while +Bunker had the further pleasure of enjoying a survey of the room in +which they sat. Evidently it was Miss Maddison's peculiar sanctum, +and it revealed at once her taste and her power of gratifying it. The +tapestry that covered two sides of the room could be seen at a glance to +be no mere modern imitation, but a priceless relic of the earlier middle +ages. The other walls were so thickly hung with pictures that one could +scarcely see the pale-green satin beneath; and among these paintings the +Count's educated eye recognized the work of Raphael, Botticelli, Turner, +and Gainsborough among other masters; while beneath the cornice hung a +well-chosen selection from the gems of the modern Anglo-American school. +The chairs and sofa were upholstered in a figured satin of a slightly +richer hue of green, and on several priceless oriental tables lay +displayed in ivory, silver, crystal, and alabaster more articles of +vertu than were to be found in the entire house of an average collector. + +“Fortunate Tulliwuddle!” thought Bunker. + +They had been conversing on general topics for a few minutes, when Miss +Maddison turned to her brother and said, with a frankness that both +pleased and entertained the Count-- + +“Ri, dear, don't you think we had better come right straight to the +point? I feel sure Count Bunker is only waiting till he knows us a +little better, and I guess it will save him considerable embarrassment +if we begin.” + +“You are the best judge, Eleanor. I guess your notions are never far of +being all right.” + +With a gratified smile Eleanor addressed the Count. + +“My brother and I are affinities,” she said. “You can speak to him just +as openly as you can to me. What is fit for me to hear is fit for him.” + +Assuring her that he would not hesitate to act upon this guarantee if +necessary, the Count nevertheless diplomatically suggested that he would +sooner leave it to the lady to open the discussion. + +“Well,” she said, “I suppose we may presume you have called here as Lord +Tulliwuddle's friend?” + +“You may, Miss Maddison.” + +“And no doubt he has something pretty definite to suggest?” + +“Matrimony,” smiled the Count. + +Her brother threw him a stern smile of approval. + +“That's right slick THERE!” he exclaimed. + +“Lord Tulliwuddle has made a very happy selection in his ambassador,” + said Eleanor, with equal cordiality. “People who are afraid to come to +facts tire me. No doubt you will think it strange and forward of me to +talk in this spirit, Count, but if you'd had to go through the worry of +being an American heiress in a European state you would sympathize. Why, +I'm hardly ever left in peace for twenty-four hours--am I, Ri?” + +“That is so,” quoth Ri. + +“What would you guess my age to be, Count Bunker?” + +“Twenty-one,” suggested Bunker, subtracting two or three years on +general principles. + +“Well, you're nearer it than most people. Nineteen on my last birthday, +Count!” + +The Count murmured his surprise and pleasure, and Ri again declared, +“That is so.” + +“And it isn't the American climate that ages one, but the terrible +persecutions of the British aristocracy! I can be as romantic as any +girl, Count Bunker; why, Ri, you remember poor Abe Sellar and the stolen +shoe-lace?” + +“Guess I do!” said Ri. + +“That was a romance if ever there was one! But I tell you, Count, +sentiment gets rubbed off pretty quick when you come to a bankrupt +Marquis writing three ill-spelled sheets to assure me of the +disinterested affection inspired by my photograph, or a divorced Duke +offering to read Tennyson to me if I'll hire a punt!” + +“I can well believe it,” said the Count sympathetically. + +“Well, now,” the heiress resumed, with a candid smile that made her +cynicism become her charmingly, “you see how it is. I want a man one +can RESPECT, even if he is a peer. He may have as many titles as dad has +dollars, but he must be a MAN!” + +“That is so,” said Ri, with additional emphasis. + +“I can guarantee Lord Tulliwuddle as a model for a sculptor and an +eligible candidate for canonization,” declared the Count. + +“I guess we want something grittier than that,” said Ri. + +“And what there is of it sounds almost too good news to be true,” added +his sister. “I don't want a man like a stained-glass window, Count; +because for one thing I couldn't get him.” + +“If you specify your requirements we shall do our best to satisfy you,” + replied the Count imperturbably. + +“Well, now,” said Eleanor thoughtfully, “I may just as well tell you +that if I'm going to take a peer--and I must own peers are rather my +fancy at present--it was Mohammedan pashas last year, wasn't it, Ri?” + (“That is so,” from Ri.)--“If I AM going to take a peer, I must have +a man that LOOKS a peer. I've been plagued with so many undersized +and round-shouldered noblemen that I'm beginning to wonder whether the +aristocracy gets proper nourishment. How tall is Lord Tulliwuddle?” + +“Six feet and half an inch.” + +“That's something more like!” said Ri; and his sister smiled her +acquiescence. + +“And does he weigh up to it?” she inquired. + +“Fourteen, twelve, and three-quarters.” + +“What's that in pounds, Ri? We don't count people in stones in America.” + +A tense frown, a nervous twitching of the lip, and in an instant the +young financier produced the answer: + +“Two hundred and nine pounds all but four ounces.” + +“Well,” said Eleanor, “it all depends on how he holds himself. That's a +lot to carry for a young man.” + +“He holds himself like one of his native pine-trees, Miss Maddison!” + +She clapped her hands. + +“Now I call that just a lovely metaphor, Count Bunker!” she cried. +“Oh, if he's going to look like a pine, and walk like the pipers at the +Torrydhulish gathering, and really be a chief like Fergus MacIvor or +Roderick Dhu, I do believe I'll actually fall in love with him!” + +“Say, Count,” interposed Ri, “I guess we've heard he's half German.” + +“It was indeed in Germany that he learned his thorough grasp of +politics, statesmanship, business, and finance, and acquired his lofty +ambitions and indomitable perseverance.” + +“He'll do, Eleanor,” said the young man. “That's to say, if he is +anything like the prospectus.” + +His sister made no immediate reply. She seemed to be musing--and not +unpleasantly. + +At that moment a motor car passed the window. + +“My!” exclaimed Eleanor, “I'd quite forgot! That will be to take the +Honorable Stanley to the station. We must say good-by to him, I suppose.” + +She turned to the Count and added in explanation-- + +“The last to apply was the Honorable Stanley Pilkington--Lord Didcott's +heir, you know. Oh, if you could see him, you'd realize what I've had to +go through!” + +Even as she spoke he was given the opportunity, for the door somewhat +diffidently opened and an unhappy-looking young man came slowly into +the room. He was clearly to be classified among the round-shouldered +ineligibles; being otherwise a tall and slender youth, with an amiable +expression and a smoothly well-bred voice. + +“I've come to say good-by, Miss Maddison,” he said, with a mournful air. +“I--I've enjoyed my visit very much,” he added, as he timidly shook her +hand. + +“So glad you have, Mr. Pilkington,” she replied cordially. “It has been +a very great pleasure to entertain you. Our friend Count Bunker--Mr. +Pilkington.” + +The young man bowed with a look in his eye that clearly said-- + +“The next candidate, I perceive.” + +Then having said good-by to Ri, the Count heard him murmur to Eleanor-- + +“Couldn't you--er--couldn't you just manage to see me off?” + +“With very great pleasure!” she replied in a hearty voice that seemed +curiously enough rather to damp than cheer his drooping spirits. + +No sooner had they left the room together than Darius, junior, turned +energetically to his guest, and said in a voice ringing with pride-- + +“You may not believe me, Count, but I assure you that is the third +fellow she has seen to the door inside a fortnight! One Duke, one +Viscount--who will expand into something more considerable some day--and +this Honorable Pilkington! Your friend, sir, will be a fortunate man if +he is able to please my sister.” + +“She seems, indeed, a charming girl.” + +“Charming! She is an angel in human form! And I, sir, her brother, will +see to it that she is not deceived in the man she chooses--not if I can +help it!” + +The young man said this with such an air as Bunker supposed his +forefathers to have worn when they hurled the tea into Boston harbor. + +“I trust that Lord Tulliwuddle, at least, will not fall under your +displeasure, sir,” he replied with an air of sincere conviction that +exactly echoed his thoughts. + +“Oh, Ri!” cried Eleanor, running back into the room, “he was so sweet as +he said good-by in the hall that I nearly kissed him! I would have, only +it might have made him foolish again. But did you see his shoulders, +Count! And oh, to think of marrying a gentle thing like that! Is Lord +Tulliwuddle a firm man, Count Bunker?” + +“Adamant--when in the right,” the Count assured her. + +A renewed air of happy musing in her eyes warned him that he had +probably said exactly enough, and with the happiest mean betwixt +deference and dignity he bade them farewell. + +“Then, Count, we shall see you all to-morrow,” said Eleanor as they +parted. “Please tell your hosts that I am very greatly looking forward +to the pleasure of knowing them. There is a Miss Gallosh, isn't there?” + +The Count informed her that there was in fact such a lady. + +“That is very good news for me! I need a girl friend very badly, Count; +these proposals lose half their fun with only Ri to tell them to. I +intend to make a confidante of Miss Gallosh on the spot!” + +“H'm,” thought the Count, as he drove away, “I wonder whether she will.” + + + +CHAPTER XVIII + +As the plenipotentiary approached the Castle he was somewhat +surprised to pass a dog-cart containing not only his fellow-guest, Mr. +Cromarty-Gow, but Mr. Gow's luggage also, and although he had hitherto +taken no particular interest in that gentleman, yet being gifted with +the true adventurer's instinct for promptly investigating any unusual +circumstance, he sought his host as soon as he reached the house, with +a view to putting a careless question or two. For no one, he felt sure, +had been expected to leave for a few days to come. + +“Yes,” said Mr. Gallosh, “the young spark's off verra suddenly. We +didn't expect him to be leaving before Tuesday. But--well, the fact +is--umh'm--oh, it's nothing to speak off.” + +This reticence, however, was easily cajoled away by the insidious Count, +and at last Mr. Gallosh frankly confided to him-- + +“Well, Count, between you and me he seems to have had a kind of fancy +for my daughter Eva, and then his lordship coming--well, you'll see for +yourself how it was.” + +“He considered his chances lessened?” + +“He told Rentoul they were clean gone.” + +Count Bunker looked decidedly serious. + +“The devil!” he reflected. “The Baron is exceeding his commission. +Tulliwuddle is a brisk young fellow, but to commit him to two marriages +is neither Christian nor kind. And, without possessing the Baron's +remarkable enthusiasm for the sex, I feel sorry for whichever lady is +not chosen to cut the cake.” + +He inquired for his friend, and was somewhat relieved to learn that +though he had gone out on the loch with Miss Gallosh, they had been +accompanied by her brothers and sisters. + +“We still have half an hour before dressing,” he said. “I shall stroll +down and meet them.” + +His creditable anxiety returned when, upon the path to the loch shore, +he met the two Masters and the two younger Misses Gallosh returning +without their sister. + +“Been in different boats, have you?” said he, after they had explained +this curious circumstance; “well, I hope you all had a good sail.” + +To himself he uttered a less philosophical comment, and quickened his +stride perceptibly. He reached the shore, but far or near was never a +sign of boat upon the waters. + +“Have they gone down!” he thought. + +Just then he became aware of a sound arising from beneath the wooded +bank a short distance away. It was evidently intended to be muffled, +but the Baron's lungs were powerful, and there was no mistaking his deep +voice as he sang-- + + “'My loff she's like a red, red rose + Zat's newly sprong in June! + My loff she's like a melody + Zat's sveetly blayed in tune! + +Ach, how does he end?” + +Before his charmer had time to prompt him, the Count raised his own +tolerably musical voice and replied-- + + “'And fare thee weel, my second string! + And fare thee weel awhile! + I won t come back again, my love, + For tis ower mony mile! + + +For an instant there followed a profound silence, and then the voice of +the Baron replied, with somewhat forced mirth-- + +“Vary goot, Bonker! Ha, ha! Vary goot!” + +Meanwhile Bunker, without further delay, was pushing his way through a +tangle of shrubbery till in a moment he spied the boat moored beneath +the leafy bank, and although it was a capacious craft he observed that +its two occupants were both crowded into one end. + +“I am sent to escort you back to dinner,” he said blandly. + +“Tell zem ve shall be back in three minutes,” replied the Baron, making +a prodigious show of preparation for coming ashore. + +“I am sorry to say that my orders were strictly to escort, not to herald +you,” said the Count apologetically. + +Fortifying himself against unpopularity by the consciousness that he was +doing his duty, this well-principled, even if spurious, nobleman paced +back towards the house with the lady between him and the indignant +Baron. + +“Well, Tulliwuddle,” he discoursed, in as friendly a tone as ever, “I +left your cards with our American neighbors.” + +“So?” muttered the Baron stolidly. + +“They received me with open arms, and I have taken the liberty of +accepting on behalf of Mr., Mrs., and Miss Gallosh, and of our two +selves, a very cordial invitation to lunch with them to-morrow.” + +“Impossible!” cried the Baron gruffly. + +Eva turned a reproachful eye upon him. + +“Oh, Lord Tulliwuddle! I should so like to go.” + +The Baron looked at her blankly. + +“You vould!” + +“I have heard they are such nice people, and have such a beautiful +place!” + +“I can confirm both statements,” said the Count heartily. + +“Besides, papa and mamma would be very disappointed if we didn't go.” + +“Make it as you please,” said the Baron gloomily. + +His unsuspicious hosts heard of the invitation with such outspoken +pleasure that their honored guest could not well renew his protest. He +had to suffer the arrangement to be made; but that night when he and +Bunker withdrew to their own room, the Count perceived the makings of an +argumentative evening. + +“Sometimes you interfere too moch,” the Baron began without preamble. + +“Do you mind being a little more specific?” replied the Count with +smiling composure. + +“Zere vas no hurry to lonch mit Maddison.” + +“I didn't name the date.” + +“You might have said next veek.” + +“By next week Miss Maddison may be snapped up by some one else.” + +“Zen vould Tollyvoddle be more lucky! I have nearly got for him ze most +charming girl, mit as moch money as he vants. Ach, you do interfere! You +should gonsider ze happiness of Tollyvoddle.” + +“That is the only consideration that affects yourself, Baron?” + +“Of course! I cannot marry more zan vonce.” (Bunker thought he perceived +a symptom of a sigh.) “And I most be faithful to Alicia. I most! Ach, +yes, Bonker, do not fear for me! I am so constant as--ach, I most keep +faithful!” + +As he supplied this remarkable testimony to his own fidelity, the Baron +paced the floor with an agitation that clearly showed how firmly his +constancy was based. + +Nevertheless the Count was smiling oddly at something he espied upon the +mantelpiece, and stepping up to it he observed-- + +“Here is a singular phenomenon--a bunch of white heather that has got +itself tied together with ribbon!” + +The Baron started, and took the tiny bouquet from his hand, his eyes +sparkling with delight. + +“It must be a gift from----” he began, and then laid it down again, +though his gaze continued fixed upon it. “How did it gom in?” he mused. +“Ach! she most have brought it herself. How vary nice!” + +He turned suddenly and met his friend's humorous eyes. + +“I shall be faithful, Bonker! You can trust me!” he exclaimed; “I shall +put it in my letter to Alicia, and send it mit my love! See, Bonker!” + +He took a letter from his desk--its envelope still open--hurriedly +slipped in the white heather, and licked the gum while his resolution +was hot. Then, having exhibited this somewhat singular evidence of his +constancy, he sighed again. + +“It vas ze only safe vay,” he said dolefully. “Vas I not right, Bonker?” + +“Quite, my dear Baron,” replied the Count sympathetically. “Believe me, +I appreciate your self-sacrifice. In fact, it was to relieve the strain +upon your too generous heart that I immediately accepted Mr. Maddison's +invitation for to-morrow.” + +“How so?” demanded the Baron with perhaps excusable surprise. + +“You will be able to decide at once which is the most suitable bride for +Tulliwuddle, and then, if you like, we can leave in a day or two.” + +“Bot I do not vish to leave so soon!” + +“Well then, while you stay, you can at least make sure that you are +engaging the affections of the right girl.” + +Though Bunker spoke with an air of desiring merely to assist his friend, +the speech seemed to arouse some furious thinking in the Baron's mind. + +For some moments he made no reply, and then at last, in a troubled +voice, he said-- + +“I have already a leetle gommitted Tollyvoddle to Eva. Ach, bot not +moch! Still it vas a leetle. Miss Maddison--vat is she like?” + +To the best of his ability the Count sketched the charms of Eleanor +Maddison--her enthusiasm for large and manly noblemen, and the probable +effects of the Baron's stalwart form set off by the tartan which (in +deference, he declared, to the Wraith's injunctions) he now invariably +wore. Also, he touched upon her father's colossal fortune, and the +genuine Tulliwuddle's necessities. + +The Baron listened with growing interest. + +“Vell,” he said, “I soppose I most make a goot impression for ze sake of +Tollyvoddle. For instance, ven we drive up----” + +“Drive? my dear Baron, we shall march! Leave it to me; I have a very +pretty design shaping in my head.” + +“Aha!” smiled the Baron; “my showman again, eh?” + +His expression sobered, and he added as a final contribution to the +debate-- + +“But I may tell you, Bonker, I do not eggspect to like Miss Maddison. +Ah, my instinct he is vonderful! It vas my instinct vich said. 'Chose +Miss Gallosh for Tollyvoddle!'” + + + +CHAPTER XIX + +While the Baron was thus loyally doing his duty, his Baroness, being +ignorant of the excellence of his purpose, and knowing only that he had +deceived her in one matter, and that the descent to Avernus is easy, +passed a number of very miserable days. That heart-breaking “us both” + kept her awake at nights and distraught throughout the day, and when for +a little she managed to explain the phrase away, and tried to anchor +her trust in Rudolph once more, the vision of the St. Petersburg window +overlooking the crops would come to shatter her confidence. She wrote +a number of passionate replies, but as the Baron in making his +arrangements with his Russian friend had forgotten to provide him with +his Scotch address, these letters only reached him after the events +of this chronicle had passed into history. Strange to say, her only +consolation was that neither her mother nor Sir Justin was able to +supply any further evidence of any kind whatsoever. One would naturally +suppose that the assistance they had gratuitously given would have +made her feel eternally indebted to them; but, on the contrary, she was +actually inconsistent enough to resent their head-shakings nearly as +much as her Rudolph's presumptive infidelity. So that her lot was indeed +to be deplored. + +At last a second letter came, and with trembling fingers, locked in her +room, the forsaken lady tore the curiously bulky envelope apart. Then, +at the sight of the enclosure that had given it this shape, her heart +lightened once more. + +“A sprig of white heather!” she cried. “Ah, he loves me still!” + +With eager eyes she next devoured the writing accompanying this token; +and as the Baron's head happened to be clearer when he composed this +second epistle, and his friend's hints peculiarly judicious, it conveyed +so plausible an account of his proceedings, and contained so many +expressions of his unaltered esteem, that his character was completely +reinstated in her regard. + +Having read every affectionate sentence thrice over, and given his +exceedingly interesting statements of fact the attention they deserved, +she once more took up the little bouquet and examined it more curiously +and intently. She even untied the ribbon, when, lo and behold! there +fell a tiny and tightly folded twist of paper upon the floor. Preparing +herself for a delicious bit of sentiment, she tenderly unfolded and +smoothed it out. + +“Verses!” she exclaimed rapturously; but the next instant her pleasure +gave place to a look of the extremest mystification. + +“What does this mean?” she gasped. + +There was, in fact, some excuse for her perplexity, since the precise +text of the enclosure ran thus: + + “TO LORD TULLIWUDDLE. + + “O Chieftain, trample on this heath + Which lies thy springing foot beneath! + It can recover from thy tread, + And once again uplift its head! + But spare, O Chief, the tenderer plant, + Because when trampled on, it can't! + “EVA.” + + +Too confounded for coherent speculation, the Baroness continued to stare +at this baffling effusion. Who Lord Tulliwuddle and Eva were; why +this glimpse into their drama (for such it appeared to be) should be +forwarded to her; and where the Baron von Blitzenberg came into the +story--these, among a dozen other questions, flickered chaotically +through her mind for some minutes. Again and again she studied the +cryptogram, till at last a few definite conclusions began to crystallize +out of the confusion. That the “tenderer plant” symbolized the lady +herself, that she was a person to be regarded with extreme suspicion, +and that emphatically the bouquet was never originally intended for the +Baroness von Blitzenberg, all became settled convictions. The fact that +she knew Tulliwuddle to be an existing peerage afforded her some relief; +yet the longer she pondered on the problem of Rudolph's part in the +episode, the more uneasy grew her mind. + +Composing her face before the mirror till it resumed its normal +round-eyed placidity, she locked the letter and its contents in a safe +place, and sought out her mother. + +“Did you get any letter, dear, by the last post?” inquired the Countess +as soon as she had entered the room. + +“Nothing of importance, mamma.” + +That so sweet and docile a daughter should stoop to deceit was +inconceivable. The Countess merely frowned her disappointment and +resumed the novel which she was beguiling the hours between eating and +eating again. + +“Mamma,” said the Baroness presently, “can you tell me whether heather +is found in many other European countries?” + +The Countess raised her firmly penciled eyebrows. + +“In some, I believe. What a remarkable question, Alicia.” + +“I was thinking about Russia,” said Alicia with an innocent air. “Do you +suppose heather grows there?” + +The Countess remembered the floral symptoms displayed by Ophelia, and +grew a trifle nervous. + +“My child, what is the matter?” + +“Oh, nothing,” replied Alicia hastily. + +A short silence followed, during which she was conscious of undergoing a +curious scrutiny. + +“By the way, mamma,” she found courage to ask at length, “do you know +anything about Lord Tulliwuddle?” + +Lady Grillyer continued uneasy. These irrelevant questions undoubtedly +indicated a mind unhinged. + +“I was acquainted with the late Lord Tulliwuddle.” + +“Oh, he is dead, then?” + +“Certainly.” + +Alicia's face clouded for a moment, and then a ray of hope lit it again. + +“Is there a present Lord Tulliwuddle?” + +“I believe so. Why do you ask?” + +“I heard some one speak of him the other day.” + +She spoke so naturally that her mother began to feel relieved. + +“Sir Justin Wallingford can tell you all about the family, if you are +curious,” she remarked. + +“Sir Justin!” + +Alicia recoiled from the thought of him. But presently her curiosity +prevailed, and she inquired-- + +“Does he know them well?” + +“He inherited a place in Scotland a number of years ago, you +remember. It is somewhere near Lord Tulliwuddle's +place--Hech--Hech--Hech-something-or-other Castle. He was very well +acquainted with the last Tulliwuddle.” + +“Oh,” said Alicia indifferently, “I am not really interested. It was +mere idle curiosity.” + +For the greater part of twenty-four hours she kept this mystery locked +within her heart, till at last she could contain it no longer. The +resolution she came to was both desperate and abruptly taken. At five +minutes to three she was resolved to die rather than mention that sprig +of heather to a soul; at five minutes past she was on her way to Sir +Justin Wallingford's house. + +“It may be going behind mamma's back,” she said to herself; “but she +went behind mine when SHE consulted Sir Justin.” + +It was probably in consequence of her urgent voice and agitated manner +that she came to be shown straight into Sir Justin's library, without +warning on either side, and thus surprised her counsellor in the act +of softly singing a well-known hymn to the accompaniment of a small +harmonium. He seemed for a moment to be a trifle embarrassed, and the +glance he threw at his footman appeared to indicate an early vacancy +in his establishment; but as soon as he had recovered his customary +solemnity his explanation reflected nothing but credit upon his +character. + +“The fact is,” said he, “that I am shortly going to rejoin my daughter +in Scotland. You are aware of her disposition, Baroness?” + +“I have heard that she is inclined to be devotional.” + +“She is devotional,” answered this excellent man. “I have taken +considerable pains to see to it. As your mother and I have often agreed, +there is no such safeguard for a young girl as a hobby or mania of this +sort.” + +“A hobby or mania?” exclaimed the Baroness in a pained voice. + +Sir Justin looked annoyed. He was evidently surprised to find that the +principles inculcated by his old friend and himself appeared to outlive +the occasion for which they were intended--to wit, the protection +of virgin hearts from undesirable aspirations till calm reason and a +husband should render them unnecessary. + +“I use the terms employed by the philosophical,” he hastened to explain; +“but my own opinion is inclined to coincide with yours, my dear Alicia.” + +This paternal use of her Christian name, coupled with the kindly tone of +his justification, encouraged the Baroness to open her business. + +“Sir Justin,” she began, “can I trust you--may I ask you not to tell my +mother that I have visited you?” + +“If you can show me an adequate reason, you may rely upon my +discretion,” said the ex-diplomatist cautiously, yet with an encouraging +smile. + +“In some things one would sooner confide in a man than a woman, Sir +Justin.” + +“That is undoubtedly true,” he agreed cordially. “You may confide in me, +Baroness.” + +“I have heard from my husband again. I need not show you the letter; +it is quite satisfactory--oh, quite, I assure you! Only I found this +enclosed with it.” + +In breathless silence she watched him examine critically first the +heather and then the verses. + +“Lord Tulliwuddle!” he exclaimed. “Is there anything in the Baron's +letter to throw any light upon this?” + +“Not one word--not the slightest hint.” + +Again he studied the paper. + +“Oh, what does it mean?” she cried. “I came to you because you know all +about the Tulliwuddles. Where is Lord Tulliwuddle now?” + +“I am not acquainted with the present peer,” he ansevered meditatively. +“In fact, I know singularly little about him. I did hear--yes, I heard +from my daughter some rumor that he was shortly expected to visit his +place in Scotland; but whether he went there or not I cannot say.” + +“You can find out for me?” + +“I shall lose no time in ascertaining.” + +The Baroness thanked him effusively, and rose to depart with a mind a +little comforted. + +“And you won't tell mamma?” + +“I never tell a woman anything that is of any importance.” + +The Baroness was confirmed in her opinion that Sir Justin was not a very +nice man, but she felt an increased confidence in his judgment. + + + +CHAPTER XX + +From the gargoyled keep which the cultured enthusiasm of Eleanor and the +purse of her father had recently erected at Lincoln Lodge, the brother +and sister looked over a bend of the river, half a mile of valley road, +a wave of forest country, and the greater billows of the bare hillsides +towering beyond. But out of all this prospect it was only upon the +stretch of road that their eyes were bent. + +“Surely one should see their carriage soon!” exclaimed Eleanor. + +“Seems to me,” said her brother, “that you're sitting something like a +cat on the pounce for this Tulliwuddle fellow. Why, Eleanor, I never +saw you so excited since the first duke came along. I thought that had +passed right off.” + +“Oh, Ri, I was reading 'Waverley' again last night, and somehow I felt +the top of the keep was the only place to watch for a chief!” + +“Why, you don't expect him to be different from other people?” + +“Ri! I tell you I'll cry if he looks like any one I've ever seen before! +Don't you remember the Count said he moved like a pine in his native +forests?” + +“He won't make much headway like that,” said Ri incisively. “I'd sooner +he moved like something more spry than a tree. I guess that Count was +talking through his hat.” + +But his sister was not to be argued out of her exalted mood by such +prosaic reasoning. She exclaimed at his sluggish imagination, reiterated +her faith in the insinuating count's assurances, and was only withheld +from sending her brother down for a spy-glass by the reflection that she +could not remember reading of its employment by any maiden in analogous +circumstances. + +It was at this auspicious moment, when the heart of the expectant +heiress was inflamed with romantic fancies and excited with the suspense +of waiting, and before it had time to cool through any undue delay, that +a little cloud of dust first caught her straining eyes. + +“He comes at last!” she cried. + +At the same instant the faint strains of the pibroch were gently wafted +to her embattled tower. + +“He is bringing his piper! Oh, what a duck he is!” + +“Seems to me he is bringing a dozen of them,” observed Ri. + +“And look, Ri! The sun is glinting upon steel! Claymores, Ri! oh, how +heavenly! There must be fifty men! And they are still coming! I do +believe he has brought the whole clan!” + +Too petrified with delight to utter another exclamation, she watched in +breathless silence the approach of a procession more formidable than +had ever escorted a Tulliwuddle since the year of Culloden. As they drew +nearer, her ardent gaze easily distinguished a stalwart figure in plaid +and kilt, armed to the teeth with target and claymore, marching with a +stately stride fully ten paces before his retinue. + +“The chief!” she murmured. + +Now indeed she saw there was no cause to mourn, for any one at all +resembling the Baron von Blitzenberg as he appeared at that moment she +had certainly never met before. Intoxicated with his finery and with the +terrific peals of melody behind him, he pranced rather than walked up to +the portals of Lincoln Lodge, and there, to the amazement and admiration +alike of his clansmen and his expectant host, he burst forth into the +following Celtic fragment, translated into English for the occasion by +his assiduous friend from a hitherto undiscovered manuscript of Ossian: + + “I am ze chieftain, + Nursed in ze mountains, + Behold me, Mac--ig--ig--ig ish! + +(Yet the Count had written this word very distinctly.) + + “Oich for ze claymore! + Hoch for ze philabeg! + Sons of ze red deers, + Children of eagles, + I will supply you + Mit Sassenach carcases!” + +At this point came a momentary lull, the chieftain's eyes rolling +bloodthirstily, but the rhapsody having apparently become congested +within his fiery heart. His audience, however, were not given time to +recover their senses, before a striking-looking individual, adorned with +tartan trews and a feathered hat, in whom all were pleased to recognize +Count Bunker, whispered briefly in his lordship's ear, and like a river +in spate he foamed on: + + “Donald and Ronald + Avake from your slumbers! + Maiden so lovely, + Smile mit your bright eyes! + Ze heather is blooming! + Ze vild cat is growling! + Hech Dummeldirroch! + Behold Tollyvoddle, + Ze Lord of ze Mountains!” + + +Hardly had the reverberations of the chieftain's voice died away, when +the Count, uttering a series of presumably Gaelic cries, advanced with +the most dramatic air, and threw his broad-sword upon the ground. The +Baron laid his across it, the pipes struck up a less formidable, but +if anything more exciting air, and the two noblemen, springing +simultaneously from the ground, began what the Count confidently trusted +their American hosts would accept as the national sworddance. + +This lasted for some considerable time, and gave the Count an +opportunity of testifying his remarkable agility and the Baron of +displaying the greater part of his generously proportioned limbs, while +the lung power of both became from that moment proverbial in the glen. + +At the conclusion of this ceremony the chieftain, crimson, breathless, +and radiant, a sight for gods and ladies, advanced to greet his host. + +“Very happy to see you, Lord Tulliwuddle,” said Mr. Maddison. “Allow +me to offer you my very sincere congratulations on your exceedingly +interesting exhibition. Welcome to Lincoln Lodge, your lordship! My +daughter--my son.” + +Eleanor, almost as flushed as the Baron by her headlong rush from the +keep at the conclusion of the sword-dance, threw him such a smile as +none of her admirers had ever enjoyed before; while he, incapable of +speech beyond a gasped “Ach!” bowed so low that the Count had gently +to adjust his kilt. Then followed the approach of the Gallosh family, +attired in costumes of Harris tweed and tartan selected and arranged +under the artistic eye of Count Bunker, and escorted, to their huge +delight, by six picked clansmen. Their formal presentation having been +completed by a last skirl on the bagpipes, the whole party moved in +procession to the banqueting-hall. + +“A complete success, I flatter myself,” thought Count Bunker, with +excusable complacency. + +To the banquet itself it is scarcely possible for a mere mortal +historian to pay a fitting tribute. Every rarity known to the gourmet +that telegraph could summon to the table in time was served in course +upon course. Even the sweetmeats in the little gold dishes cost on an +average a dollar a bon-bon, while the wine was hardly less valuable than +liquid radium. Or at least such was the sworn information subsequently +supplied by Count Bunker to the reporter of “The Torrydhulish Herald.” + +Eleanor was in her highest spirits. She sat between the Baron and +Mr. Gallosh, delighted with the honest pleasure and admiration of the +merchant, and all the time becoming more satisfied with the demeanor and +conversation of the chief. In fact, the only disappointment she felt was +connected with the appearance of Miss Gallosh. Much as she had desired a +confidante, she had never demanded one so remarkably beautiful, and she +could not but feel that a very much plainer friend would have served her +purpose quite as well--and indeed better. Once or twice she intercepted +a glance passing between this superfluously handsome lady and the +principal guest, until at last it occurred to her as a strange and +unseemly thing that Lord Tulliwuddle should be paying so long a visit +to his shooting tenants. Eva, on her part, felt a curiously similar +sensation. These American gentlemen were as pleasant as report had +painted them, but she now discovered an odd antipathy to American women, +or at least to their unabashed method of making themselves agreeable +to noblemen. It confirmed, indeed, the worst reports she had heard +concerning the way in which they raided the British marriage market. + +Being placed beside one of these lovely girls and opposite the +other, the Baron, one would think, would be in the highest state of +contentment; but though still flushed with his triumphant caperings over +the broadswords, and exhibiting a graciousness that charmed his hosts, +he struck his observant friend as looking a trifle disturbed at soul. +He would furtively glance across the table and then as furtively throw +a sidelong look at his neighbor, and each time he appeared to grow more +thoughtful. And yet he did not look precisely unhappy either. In +fact, there was a gleam in his eye during each of these glances which +suggested that both fell upon something he approved of. + +The after-luncheon procedure had been carefully arranged between the +two adventurers. The Count was to keep by the Baron's side, and, thus +supported, negotiations were to be delicately opened. Accordingly, when +the party rose, the Count whispered a word in Mr. Maddison's ear. The +millionaire answered with a grave, shrewd look, and his daughter, as if +perfectly grasping the situation, led the Galloshes out to inspect the +new fir forest. And then the two noblemen and the two Dariuses faced one +another over their cigars. + + + +CHAPTER XXI + +“Well, gentlemen,” said Mr. Maddison, “pleasure is pleasure, and +business is business. I guess we mean to do a little of both to-day, if +you are perfectly disposed. What do you say, Count?” + +“I consider that an occasion selected by you, Mr. Maddison, is not to be +neglected.” + +The millionaire bowed his acknowledgment of the compliment, and turned +to the Baron, who, it may be remarked, was wearing an expression of +thoughtful gravity not frequently to be noted at Hechnahoul. + +“You desire to say a few words to me, Lord Tulliwuddle, I understand. I +shall be pleased to hear them.” + +With this both father and son bent such earnest brows on the Baron and +waited for his answer in such intense silence, that he began to regret +the absence of his inspiring pipers. + +“I vould like ze honor to address mine--mine----” + +He threw an imploring glance at his friend, who, without hesitation, +threw himself into the breach. + +“Lord Tulliwuddle feels the natural diffidence of a lover in adequately +expressing his sentiments. I understand that he craves your permission +to lay a certain case before a certain lady. I am right, Tulliwuddle?” + +“Pairfectly,” said the Baron, much relieved; “to lay a certain case +before a certain lady. Zat is so, yes, exactly.” + +Father and son glanced at one another. + +“Your delicacy does you honor, very great honor,” said Mr. Maddison; +“but business is business, Lord Tulliwuddle, and I should like to hear +your proposition more precisely stated. In fact, sir, I like to know +just where I am.” + +“That's just about right,” assented Ri. + +“I vould perhaps vish to marry her.” + +“Perhaps!” exclaimed the two together. + +Again the Count adroitly interposed-- + +“You mean that you do not intend to thrust your attentions upon an +unwilling lady?” + +“Yes, yes; zat is vat I mean.” + +“I see,” said Mr. Maddison slowly. “H'm, yes.” + +“Sounds what you Scotch call 'canny,'” commented Ri shrewdly. + +“Well,” resumed the millionaire, “I have nothing to say against that; +provided--provided, I say, that you stipulate to marry the lady so long +as she has no objections to you. No fooling around--that's all we want +to see to. Our time, sir, is too valuable.” + +“That is so,” said Ri. + +The Baron's color rose, and a look of displeasure came into his eyes, +but before he had time to make a retort that might have wrecked his +original's hopes, Bunker said quickly-- + +“Tulliwuddle places himself in your hands, with the implicit confidence +that one gentleman reposes in another.” + +Gulping down his annoyance, the Baron assented-- + +“Yes, I vill do zat.” + +Again father and son looked at one another, and this time exchanged a +nod. + +“That, sir, will satisfy us,” said Mr. Maddison. “Ri, you may turn off +the phonograph.” + +And thereupon the cessation of a loud buzzing sound, which the visitors +had hitherto attributed to flies, showed that their host now considered +he had received a sufficient guarantee of his lordship's honorable +intentions. + +“So far, so good,” resumed Mr. Maddison. “I may now inform you, Lord +Tulliwuddle, that the reports about you which I have been able to gather +read kind of mixed, and before consenting to your reception within my +daughter's boudoir we should feel obliged if you would satisfy us that +the worst of them are not true--or, at least, sir, exaggerated.” + +This time the Baron could not restrain an exclamation of displeasure. + +“Vat, sir!” he cried, addressing the millionaire. “Do you examine me on +my life!” + +“No, sir,” said Ri, frowning his most determined frown. “It is to ME you +will be kind enough to give any explanation you have to offer! Dad may +be the spokesman, but I am the inspirer of these interrogations. My +sister, sir, the purest girl in America, the most beautiful creature +beneath the star-spangled banner of Columbia, is not going to be the +companion of dissolute idleness and gilded dishonor--not, sir, if _I_ +know it.” + +Too confounded by this unusual warning to think of any adequate retort, +the Baron could only stare his sensations; while Mr. Maddison, taking +up the conversation the instant his son had ceased, proceeded in a +deliberate and impressive voice to say-- + +“Yes, sir, my son--and I associate myself with him--my son and I, sir, +would be happy to learn that it is NOT the case as here stated” (he +glanced at a paper in his hand), “namely, Item 1, that you sup rather +too frequently with ladies--I beg your pardon, Count Bunker, for +introducing the theme--with ladies of the theatrical profession.” + +“I!” gasped the Baron. “I do only vish I sometimes had ze cha----” + +“Tulliwuddle!” interrupted the Count. “Don't let your natural +indignation carry you away! Mr. Maddison, that statement is not true. I +can vouch for it.” + +“Ach, of course it is not true,” said the Baron more calmly, as he began +to realize that it was not his own character that was being aspersed. + +“I am very glad to hear it,” continued Mr. Maddison, who apparently did +not share the full austerity of his son's views, since without further +question he hurried on to the next point. + +“Item 2, sir, states that at least two West End firms are threatening +you with proceedings if you do not discharge their accounts within a +reasonable time.” + +“A lie!” declared the Baron emphatically. + +“Will you be so kind as to favor us with the name of the individual who +is thus libelling his lordship?” demanded the Count with a serious air. + +Mr. Maddison hastily put the paper back in his pocket, and with a glance +checked his son's gesture of protest. + +“Guess we'd better pass on to the next thing, Ri. I told you it wasn't +any darned use just asking. But you boys always think you know better +than your Poppas,” said he; and then, turning to the Count, “It +isn't worth while troubling, Count; I'll see that these reports get +contradicted, if I have to buy up a daily paper and issue it at a +halfpenny. Yes, sir, you can leave it to me.” + +The Count glanced at his friend, and they exchanged a grave look. + +“Again we place ourselves in your hands,” said Bunker. + +Though considerably impressed with these repeated evidences of +confidence on the part of two such important personages, their host +nevertheless maintained something of his inquisitorial air as he +proceeded-- + +“For my own satisfaction, Lord Tulliwuddle, and meaning to convey no +aspersion whatsoever upon your character, I would venture to inquire +what are your views upon some of the current topics. Take any one you +like, sir, so long as it's good and solid, and let me hear what you have +to say about it. What you favor us with will not be repeated beyond this +room, but merely regarded by my son and myself as proving that we are +getting no dunder-headed dandy for our Eleanor, but an article of +real substantial value--the kind of thing they might make into a +Lord-lieutenant or a Viceroy in a bad year.” + +Tempting in every way as this suggestion sounded, his lordship +nevertheless appeared to find a little initial difficulty in choosing a +topic. + +“Speak out, sir,” said Mr. Maddison in an encouraging tone. “Our +standard for noblemen isn't anything remarkably high. With a duke I'd be +content with just a few dates and something about model cottages, and, +though a baron ought to know a little more than that, still we'll count +these feudal bagpipers and that ancestral hop-scotch performance as a +kind of set-off to your credit. Suppose you just say a few words on the +future of the Anglo-Saxon race. What you've learned from the papers will +do, so long as you seem to understand it.” + +Perceiving that his Teutonic friend looked a trifle dismayed at this +selection, Count Bunker suggested the Triple Alliance as an alternative. + +“That needs more facts, I guess,” said the millionaire; “but it will be +all the more creditable if you can manage it.” + +The Baron cleared his throat to begin, and as he happened (as the Count +was well aware) to have the greatest enthusiasm for this policy, and to +have recently read the thirteen volumes of Professor Bungstrumpher +on the subject, he delivered a peroration so remarkable alike for its +fervor, its facts, and its phenomenal length, that when, upon a gentle +hint from the Count, he at last paused, all traces of objection had +vanished from the minds of Darius P. Maddison, senior and junior. + +“I need no longer detain you, Lord Tulliwuddle,” said the millionaire +respectfully. “Ri, fetch your sister into her room. Your lordship, I +have received an intellectual treat. I am very deeply gratified, sir. +Allow me to conduct you to my daughter's boudoir.” + +Flushed with his exertions and his triumph though the Baron was, he yet +remembered so vividly the ordeal preceding the oration that as they went +he whispered in his friend's ear: + +“Ah, Bonker, stay mit me, I pray you! If she should ask more questions! + +“Mr. Maddison, ze Count will stay mit me.” + +Though a little surprised at this arrangement, which scarcely accorded +with his lordship's virile appearance and dashing air, Mr. Maddison +was by this time too favorably disposed to question the wisdom of +any suggestion he might make, and accordingly the two friends found +themselves closeted together in Miss Maddison's sanctum awaiting the +appearance of the heiress. + +“Shall I remain through the entire interview?” asked the Count. + +“Oh yes, mine Bonker, you most! Or--vell, soppose it gets unnecessary +zen vill I cry 'By ze Gad!' and you vill know to go.” + +“'By the Gad'? I see.” + +“Or--vell, not ze first time, but if I say it tree times, zen vill you +make an excuse.” + +“Three times? I understand, Baron.” + + + +CHAPTER XXII + +In the eye of the heiress, as in her father's, might be noted a shade of +surprise at finding two gentlemen instead of one. But though the Count +instantly perceived his superfluity, and though it had been his greatest +ambition throughout his life to add no shade to the dullness with which +he frequently complained that life was overburdened, yet his sense of +obligation to his friend was so strong that he preferred to bore rather +than desert. As the only compensation he could offer, he assumed the +most retiring look of which his mobile features were capable, and +pretended to examine one of the tables of curios. + +“Lord Tulliwuddle, I congratulate you on the very happy impression you +have made!” began Eleanor with the most delightful frankness. + +But his lordship had learned to fear the Americans, even bearing +compliments. + +“So?” he answered stolidly. + +“Indeed you have! Ri is just wild about your cleverness.” + +“Zat is kind of him.” + +“He declares you are quite an authority on European politics. Now you +will be able to tell me----” + +“Ach, no! I shall not to-day, please!” interrupted the Baron hurriedly. + +The heiress seemed disconcerted. + +“Oh, not if you'd rather not, Lord Tulliwuddle.” + +“Not to-day.” + +“Well!” + +She turned with a shrug and cast her eyes upon the wall. + +“How do you like this picture? It's my latest toy. I call it just +sweet!” + +He cautiously examined the painting. + +“It is vary pretty.” + +“Do you know Romney's work?” + +The Baron shrank back. + +“Not again to-day, please!” + +Miss Maddison opened her handsome eyes to their widest. + +“My word!” she cried. “If these are Highland manners, Lord Tulliwuddle!” + +In extreme confusion the Baron stammered-- + +“I beg your pardon! Forgif me--but--ach, not zose questions, please!” + +Relenting a little, she inquired + +“What may I ask you, then? Do tell me! You see I want just to know all +about you.” + +With an affrighted gesture the Baron turned to his friend. + +“Bonker,” said he, “she does vant to know yet more about me! Vill you +please to tell her.” + +The Count looked up from the curios with an expression so bland that the +air began to clear even before he spoke. + +“Miss Maddison, I must explain that my friend's proud Highland spirit +has been a little disturbed by some inquiries, made in all good faith +by your father. No offence, I am certain, was intended; erroneous +information--a little hastiness in jumping to conclusions--a sensitive +nature wounded by the least insinuation--such were the unfortunate +causes of Tulliwuddle's excusable reticence. Believe me, if you knew +all, your opinion of him would alter very, very considerably!” + +The perfectly accurate peroration to this statement produced an +immediate effect. + +“What a shame!” cried Eleanor, her eyes sparkling brightly. “Lord +Tulliwuddle, I am so sorry!” + +The Baron looked into these eyes, and his own mien altered perceptibly. +For an instant he gazed, and then in a low voice remarked-- + +“By ze Gad!” + +“Once!” counted the conscientious Bunker. + +“Lord Tulliwuddle,” she continued, “I declare I feel so ashamed of those +stupid men, I could just wring their necks! Now, just to make us quits, +you ask me anything in the world you like!” + +Over his shoulder the Baron threw a stealthy glance at his friend, but +this time he did not invoke his assistance. Instead, he again murmured +very distinctly-- + +“By ze Gad!” + +“Twice!” counted Bunker. + +“Miss Maddison,” said the Baron to the flushed and eager girl, “am I +to onderstand zat you now are satisfied zat I am not too vicked, too +suspeecious, too unvorthy of your charming society? I do not say I am +yet vorthy--bot jost not too bad!” + +Had the Baroness at that moment heard merely the intonation of his +voice, she would undoubtedly have preferred a Chinese prison. + +“Indeed, Lord Tulliwuddle, you may.” + +“By ze Gad!” announced the Baron, in a voice braced with resolution. + +“May I take the liberty of inspecting the aviary?” said the Count. + +“With the very greatest pleasure,” replied the heiress kindly. + +His last distinct impression as he withdrew was of the Baron giving his +mustache a more formidable twirl. + +“A very pretty little scene,” he reflected, as he strolled out in search +of others. “Though, hang me, I'm not sure if it ended in the right man +leaving the stage!” + +This “second-fiddle feeling,” as he styled it humorously to himself, +was further increased by the demeanor of Miss Gallosh, to whom he now +endeavored to make himself agreeable. Though sharing the universal +respect felt for the character and talents of the Count, she was +evidently too perturbed at seeing him appear alone to appreciate his +society as it deserved. Ever since luncheon poor Eva's heart had been +sinking. The beauty, the assurance, the cleverness, and the charm of the +fabulously wealthy American heiress had filled her with vague misgivings +even while the gentlemen were safely absent; but when Miss Maddison was +summoned away, and her father and brother took her place, her uneasiness +vastly increased. Now here was the last buffer removed between the +chieftain and her audacious rival (so she already counted her). What +drama could these mysterious movements have been leading to? + +In vain did Count Bunker exercise his unique powers of conversation. +In vain did he discourse on the beauties of nature as displayed in +the wooded valley and the towering hills, and the beauties of art as +exhibited in the aviary and the new fir forest. Eva's thoughts were +too much engrossed with the beauties of woman, and their dreadful +consequences if improperly used. + +“Is--is Miss Maddison still in the house?” she inquired, with an effort +to put the question carelessly. + +“I believe so,” said the Count in his kindest voice. + +“And--and--that isn't Lord Tulliwuddle with my father, is it?” + +“I believe not,” said the Count, still more sympathetically. + +She could no longer withhold a sigh, and the Count tactfully turned +the conversation to the symbolical eagle arrived that morning from Mr. +Maddison's native State. + +They had passed from the aviary to the flower garden, when at last they +saw the Baron and Eleanor appear. She joined the rest of the party, +while he, walking thoughtfully in search of his friend, advanced +in their direction. He raised his eyes, and then, to complete Eva's +concern, he started in evident embarrassment at discovering her there +also. To do him justice, he quickly recovered his usual politeness. Yet +she noticed that he detained the Count beside him and showed a curious +tendency to discourse solely on the fine quality of the gravel and the +advantages of having a brick facing to a garden wall. + +“My lord,” said Mr. Gallosh, approaching them, “would you be thinking of +going soon? I've noticed Mr. Maddison's been taking out his watch verra +frequently.” + +“Certainly, certainly!” cried my lord. “Oh, ve have finished all ve have +come for.” + +Eva started, and even Mr. Gallosh looked a trifle perturbed. + +“Yes,” added the Count quickly, “we have a very good idea of the heating +system employed. I quite agree with you: we can leave the rest to your +engineer.” + +But even his readiness failed to efface the effects of his friend's +unfortunate admission. + +Farewells were said, the procession reformed, the pipers struck up, and +amidst the heartiest expressions of pleasure from all, the chieftain +and his friends marched off to the spot where (out of sight of Lincoln +Lodge) the forethought of their manager had arranged that the carriages +should be waiting. + +“Well,” said Bunker, when they found themselves in their room again, +“what do you think of Miss Maddison?” + +The Baron lit a cigar, gazed thoughtfully and with evident satisfaction +at the daily deepening shade of tan upon his knees, and then answered +slowly-- + +“Vell, Bonker, she is not so bad.” + +“Ah,” commented Bunker. + +“Bot, Bonker, it is not vat I do think of her. Ach, no! It is not for +mein own pleasure. Ach, nein! How shall I do my duty to Tollyvoddle? Zat +is vat I ask myself.” + +“And what answer do you generally return?” + +“Ze answer I make is,” said the Baron gravely and with the deliberation +the point deserved--“Ze answer is zat I shall vait and gonsider vich +lady is ze best for him.” + +“The means you employ will no doubt include a further short personal +interview with each of them?” + +“Vun short! Ach, Bonker, I most investigate mit carefulness. No, no; I +most see zem more zan zat.” + +“How long do you expect the process will take you?” + +For the first time the Baron noticed with surprise a shade of impatience +in his friend's voice. + +“Are you in a horry, Bonker?” + +“My dear Baron, I grudge no man his sport--particularly if he is careful +to label it his duty. But, to tell the truth, I have never played +gamekeeper for so long before, and I begin to find that picking up your +victims and carrying them after you in a bag is less exhilarating to-day +than it was a week ago. I wouldn't curtail your pleasure for the world, +my dear fellow! But I do ask you to remember the poor keeper.” + +“My dear friend,” said the Baron cordially, “I shall remember! It shall +take bot two or tree days to do my duty. I shall not be long.” + + “A day or two of sober duty, + Then, Hoch! for London, home, and beauty!” + +trolled the Count pleasantly. + +The Baron did not echo the “Hoch”; but after retaining his thoughtful +expression for a few moments, a smile stole over his face, and he +remarked in an absent voice-- + +“Vun does not alvays need to go home to find beauty.” + +“Yes,” said the Count, “I have always held it to be one of the +advantages of travel that one learns to tolerate the inhabitants of +other lands.” + + + +CHAPTER XXIII + +“Ach, you are onfair,” exclaimed the Baron. “Really?” said Eva, with a +sarcastic intonation he had not believed possible in so sweet a voice. + +It was the day following the luncheon at Lincoln Lodge, and they were +once more seated in the shady arbor: this time the Count had guaranteed +not only to leave them uninterrupted by his own presence, but to protect +the garden from all other intruders. Everything, in fact, had presaged +the pleasantest of tete-a-tetes. But, alas! the Baron was learning that +if Amaryllis pouts, the shadiest corner may prove too warm. Why, he was +asking himself, should she exhibit this incomprehensible annoyance? What +had he done? How to awake her smiles again? + +“I do not forget my old friends so quickly,” he protested. “No, I do +assure you! I do not onderstand vy you should say so.” + +“Oh, we don't profess to be old FRIENDS, Lord Tulliwuddle! After all, +there is no reason why you shouldn't turn your back on us as soon as you +see a newer--and more amusing--ACQUAINTANCE.” + +“But I have not turned my back!” + +“We saw nothing else all yesterday.” + +“Ah, Mees Gallosh, zat is not true! Often did I look at you!” + +“Did you? I had forgotten. One doesn't treasure every glance, you know.” + +The Baron tugged at his mustache and frowned. + +“She vill not do for Tollyvoddle,” he said to himself. + +But the next instant a glance from Eva's brilliant eyes--a glance +so reproachful, so appealing, and so stimulating, that there was no +resisting it--diverted his reflections into quite another channel. + +“Vat can I do to prove zat I am so friendly as ever?” he exclaimed. + +“So FRIENDLY?” she repeated, with an innocently meditative air. + +“So vary parteecularly friendly!” + +Her air relented a little--just enough, in fact, to make him ardently +desire to see it relent still further. + +“You promise things to me, and then do them for other people's benefit.” + +The Baron eagerly demanded a fuller statement of this abominable charge. + +“Well,” she said, “you told me twenty times you would show me something +really Highland--that you'd kill a deer by torchlight, or hold a +gathering of the clans upon the castle lawn. All sorts of things you +offered to do for me, and the only thing you have done has been for the +sake of your NEW friends! You gave THEM a procession and a dance.” + +“But you did see it too!” he interrupted eagerly. + +“As part of your procession,” she retorted scornfully. “We felt much +obliged to you--especially as you were so attentive to us afterwards!” + +“I did not mean to leave you,” exclaimed the Baron weakly. “It was jost +zat Miss Maddison----” + +“I am not interested in Miss Maddison. No doubt she is very charming; +but, really, she doesn't interest me at all. You were unavoidably +prevented from talking to us--that is quite sufficient for me. I excuse +you, Lord Tulliwuddle. Only, please, don't make me any more promises.” + +“Eva! Ach, I most say 'Eva' jost vunce more! I am going to leave my +castle, to leave you, and say good-by.” + +She started and looked quickly at him. + +“Bot before I go I shall keep my promise! Ve shall have ze pipers, and +ze kilts, and ze dancing, and toss ze caber, and fling ze hammer, and it +shall be on ze castle lawn, and all for your sake! Vill you not forgive +me and be friends?” + +“Will it really be all for my sake?” + +She spoke incredulously, yet looked as if she were willing to be +convinced. + +“I swear it vill!” + +The latter part of this interview was so much more agreeable than the +beginning that when the distant rumble of the luncheon gong brought +it to an end at last they sighed, and for fully half a minute lingered +still in silence. If one may dare to express in crude language a +maiden's unspoken, formless thought, Eva's might be read--“There is yet +a moment left for him to say the three short words that seem to hang +upon his tongue!” While on his part he was reflecting that he had +another duologue arranged for that very afternoon, and that, for +the simultaneous suitor of two ladies, an open mind was almost +indispensable. + +“Then you are going for a drive with the Count Bunker this afternoon?” + she asked, as they strolled slowly towards the house. + +“For a leetle tour in my estate,” he answered easily. + +“On business, I suppose?” + +“Yes, vorse luck!” + +He knew not whether to feel more relieved or embarrassed to find that he +evidently rose in her estimation as a conscientious landlord. + +. . . . . . + +“You are having a capital day's sport, Baron,” said the Count gaily, as +they drew near Lincoln Lodge. + +During their drive the Baron had remained unusually silent. He now +roused himself and said in a guarded whisper-- + +“Bonker, vill you please to give ze coachman some money not to say jost +vere he did drive us.” + +“I have done so,” smiled the Count. + +His friend gratefully grasped his hand and curled his mustache with an +emboldened air. + +A similar display of address on the part of Count Bunker resulted in the +Baron's finding himself some ten minutes later alone with Miss Maddison +in her sanctuary. But, to his great surprise, he was greeted with none +of the encouraging cordiality that had so charmed him yesterday. The +lady was brief in her responses, critical in her tone, and evidently +disposed to quarrel with her admirer on some ground at present +entirely mysterious. Indeed, so discouraging was she that at length he +exclaimed-- + +“Tell me, Miss Maddison--I should not have gom to-day? You did not vish +to see me. Eh?” + +“I certainly was perfectly comfortable without you, Lord Tulliwuddle,” + said the heiress tartly. + +“Shall I go avay?” + +“You have come here entirely for your own pleasure; and the moment you +begin to feel tired there is nothing to hinder you going home again.” + +“You vere more kind to me yesterday,” said the Baron sadly. + +“I did not learn till after you had gone how much I was to blame for +keeping you so long away from your friends. Please do not think I shall +repeat the offence.” + +There was an accent on the word “friends” that enlightened the +bewildered nobleman, even though quickness in taking a hint was not his +most conspicuous attribute. That the voice of gossip had reached the +fair American was only too evident; but though considerably annoyed, he +could not help feeling at the same time flattered to see the concern he +was able to inspire. + +“My friends!” said he with amorous artfulness. + +“Do you mean Count Bunker? He is ze only FRIEND I have here mit me.” + +“The ONLY friend? Indeed!” + +“Zat is since I see you vill not treat me as soch.” + +Upon these lines a pretty little passage-of-arms ensued, the Baron +employing with considerable effect the various blandishments of which +he was admitted a past master; the heiress modifying her resentment by +degrees under their insidious influence. Still she would not entirely +quit her troublesome position, till at last a happy inspiration came to +reinforce his assaults. Why, he reflected, should an entertainment that +would require a considerable outlay of money and trouble serve to win +the affections of only one girl? With the same expenditure of ammunition +it might be possible to double the bag. + +“Miss Maddison,” he said with a regretful air, “I did come here to-day +in ze hope----But ach!” + +So happily had he succeeded in whetting her curiosity that she +begged--nay, insisted--that he should finish his sentence. + +“If you had been kind I did hope zat you vould allow me to give in your +honor an entertainment at my castle.” + +“An entertainment!” she cried, with a marked increase of interest. + +“Jost a leetle EXPOSITION of ze Highland sport, mit bagpipes and caber +and so forth; unvorthy of your notice perhaps, bot ze best I can do.” + +Eleanor clapped her hands enthusiastically. + +“I should just love it!” + +The triumphant diplomatist smiled complacently. + +“Bonker vill arrange it all nicely,” he said to himself. + +And there rose in his fancy such a pleasing and gorgeous picture of +himself in the panoply of the North, hurling a hammer skywards amidst +the plaudits of his clan and the ravished murmurs of the ladies, that +he could not but congratulate himself upon this last master-stroke of +policy. For if instead of ladies there were only one lady, exactly +half the pleasure would be lacking. So generous were this nobleman's +instincts! + +During their drive to Lincoln Lodge the Baron had hesitated to broach +his new project to his friend for the very reason that, after the glow +of his first enthusiastic proposal to Eva was over, it seemed to him a +vast undertaking for a limited object; but driving home he lost no time +in confiding his scheme to the Count. + +“The deuce!” cried Bunker. “That will mean three more days here at +least!” + +“Vat is tree days, mine Bonker?” + +“My dear Baron, I am the last man in the world to drop an unpleasant +hint; yet I can't help thinking we have been so unconscionably lucky up +till now that it would be wise to retire before an accident befalls us.” + +“Vat kind of accident?” + +“The kind that may happen to the best regulated adventurer.” + +The Baron pondered. When Bunker suggested caution it indeed seemed time +to beat a retreat; yet--those two charming ladies, and that alluring +tartan tableau! + +“Ach, let ze devil take ze man zat is afraid!” he exclaimed at last. +“Bonker, it vill be soch fun!” + +“Watching you complete two conquests?” + +“Be not impatient, good Bonker!” + +“My dear fellow, if you could find me one girl--even one would content +me--who would condescend to turn her eyes from the dazzling spectacle of +Baron Tulliwuddle, and cast them for so much as half an hour a day upon +his obscure companion, I might see some fun in it too.” + +The Baron, with an air of patronizing kindness that made his +fellow-adventurer's lot none the easier to bear, answered reassuringly-- + +“Bot I shall leave all ze preparations to be made by you; you vill not +have time zen to feel lonely.” + +“Thank you, Baron; you have the knack of conferring the most princely +favors.” + +“Ach, I am used to do so,” said the Baron simply, and then burst out +eagerly, “Some feat you must design for me at ze sports so zat I can +show zem my strength, eh?” + +“With the caber, for instance?” + +The Baron had seen the caber tossed, and he shook his head. + +“He is too big.” + +“I might fit a strong spring in one end.” + +But the Baron still seemed disinclined. His friend reflected, and then +suddenly exclaimed-- + +“The village doctor keeps some chemical apparatus, I believe! You'll +throw the hammer, Baron. I can manage it.” + +The Baron appeared mystified by the juxtaposition of ideas, but serenely +expressed himself as ready to entrust this and all other arrangements +for the Hechnahoul Gathering to the ingenious Count, as some small +compensation for so conspicuously outshining him. + + + +CHAPTER XXIV + +The day of the Gathering broke gray and still, and the Baron, who was no +weather prophet, declared gloomily-- + +“It vill rain. Donnerwetter!” + +A couple of hours later the sun was out, and the distant hills +shimmering in the heat haze. + +“Himmel! Ve are alvays lucky, Bonker!” he cried, and with gleeful +energy brandished his dumb-bells in final preparation for his muscular +exploits. + +“We certainly have escaped hanging so far,” said the Count, as he drew +on the trews which became his well-turned leg so happily. + +His arrangements were admirable and complete, and by twelve o'clock the +castle lawn looked as barbarically gay as the colored supplement to +an illustrated paper. Pipes were skirling, skirts fluttering, flags +flapping; and as invitations had been issued to various magnates in the +district, whether acquainted with the present peer or not, there were +to be seen quite a number of dignified personages in divers shades of +tartan, and parasols of all the hues in the rainbow. The Baron was in +his element. He judged the bagpipe competition himself, and held one +end of the tape that measured the jumps, besides delighting the whole +assembled company by his affability and good spirits. + +“Your performance comes next, I see,” said Eleanor Maddison, throwing +him her brightest smile. “I can't tell you how I am looking forward to +seeing you do it!” + +The Baron started and looked at the programme in her hand. He had been +too excited to study it carefully before, and now for the first time he +saw the announcement (in large type)-- + +“7. Lord Tulliwuddle throws the 85-lb. hammer.” + +The sixth event was nearly through, and there--there evidently was the +hammer in question being carried into the ring by no fewer than three +stalwart Highlanders! The Baron had learned enough of the pastimes of +his adopted country to be aware that this gigantic weapon was something +like four times as heavy as any hammer hitherto thrown by the hardiest +Caledonian. + +“Teufel! Bonker vill make a fool of me,” he muttered, and hastily +bursting from the circle of spectators, hurried towards the Count, who +appeared to be busied in keeping the curious away from the Chieftain's +hammer. + +“Bonker, vat means zis?” he demanded. + +“Your hammer,” smiled the Count. + +“A hammer zat takes tree men----” + +“Hush!” whispered the Count. “They are only holding it down!” + +The Baron laid his hand upon the round enormous head, and started. + +“It is not iron!” he gasped. “It is of rubber.” + +“Filled with hydrogen,” breathed the Count in his ear. “Just swing it +once and let go--and, I say, mind it doesn't carry you away with it.” + +The chief bared his arms and seized the handle; his three clansmen let +go; and then, with what seemed to the breathless spectators to be a +merely trifling effort of strength, he dismissed the projectile upon +the most astounding journey ever seen even in that land of brawny +hammer-hurlers. Up, up, up it soared, over the trees; high above the +topmost turret of the castle, and still on and on and ever upwards till +it became a mere speck in the zenith, and at last faded utterly from +sight. + +Then, and not till then, did the pent-up applause break out into such +a roar of cheering as Hechnahoul had never heard before in all its long +history. + +“Eighty-five pounds of pig-iron gone straight to heaven!” gasped the +Silver King. “Guess that beats all records!” + +“America must wake up!” frowned Ri. + +Meanwhile the Baron, after bowing in turn towards all points of the +compass, turned confidentially to his friend. + +“Vill not ze men that carried it----?” + +“I've told 'em you'd give 'em a couple of sovereigns apiece.” + +The Baron came from an economical nation. + +“Two to each!” + +“My dear fellow, wasn't it worth it?” + +The Baron grasped his hand. + +“Ja, mine Bonker, it vas! I vill pay zem.” + +Radiant and smiling, he returned to receive the congratulations of his +guests, dreaming that his triumph was complete, and that nothing more +arduous remained than pleasant dalliance alternately with his Eleanor +and his Eva. But he speedily discovered that hurling an inflated +hammer heavenwards was child's play as compared with the simultaneous +negotiation of a double wooing. The first person to address him was the +millionaire, and he could not but feel a shiver of apprehension to note +that he was evidently in the midst of a conversation with Mr. Gallosh. + +“I must congratulate you, Lord Tulliwuddle,” said Mr. Maddison, “and I +must further congratulate my daughter upon the almost miraculous feat +you have performed for her benefit. You know, I dare say”--here he +turned to Mr. Gallosh--“that this very delightful entertainment was +given primarily in my Eleanor's honor?” + +“Whut!” exclaimed the merchant. “That's--eh--that's scarcely the fac's +as we've learned them. But his lordship will be able to tell you best +himself.” + +His lordship smiled affably upon both, murmured something incoherent, +and passed on hastily towards the scarlet parasol of Eleanor. But he had +no sooner reached it than he paused and would have turned had she not +seen him, for under a blue parasol beside her he espied, too late, the +fair face of Eva, and too clearly perceived that the happy maidens had +been comparing notes, with the result that neither looked very happy +now. + +“I hope you do enjoy ze sports,” he began, endeavoring to distribute +this wish as equally as possible. + +“Miss Gallosh has been remarkably fortunate in her weather,” said +Eleanor, and therewith gave him an uninterrupted view of her sunshade. + +“Miss Maddison has seen you to great advantage, Lord Tulliwuddle,” said +Eva, affording him the next instant a similar prospect of silk. + +The unfortunate chief recoiled from this ungrateful reception of his +kindness. Only one refuge, one mediator, he instinctively looked for; +but where could the Count have gone? + +“Himmel! Has he deserted me?” he muttered, frantically elbowing his way +in search of him. + +But this once it happened that the Count was engaged upon business +of his own. Strolling outside the ring of spectators, with a view +to enjoying a cigar and a little relaxation from the anxieties of +stage-management, his attention had been arrested in a singular and +flattering way. At that place where he happened to be passing stood an +open carriage containing a girl and an older lady, evidently guests from +the neighborhood personally unknown to his lordship, and just as he +went by he heard pronounced in a thrilling whisper--“THAT must be Count +Bunker!” + +The Count was too well-bred to turn at once, but it is hardly necessary +to say that a few moments later he casually repassed the carriage; nor +will it astonish any who have been kind enough to follow his previous +career with some degree of attention to learn that when opposite the +ladies he paused, looked from them to the enclosure and back again, and +presently raising his feathered bonnet, said in the most ingratiating +tones-- + +“Pardon me, but I am requested by Lord Tulliwuddle to show any attention +I can to the comfort of his guests. Can you see well from where you +are?” + +The younger lady with an eager air assured him that they saw perfectly, +and even in the course of the three or four sentences she spoke he was +able to come to several conclusions regarding her: that her companion +was in a subsidiary and doubtless salaried position; that she herself +was decidedly attractive to look upon; that her voice had spoken the +whispered words; and that her present animated air might safely be +attributed rather to the fact that she addressed Count Bunker than to +the subject-matter of her reply. + +No one possessed in a higher degree than the Count the nice art of +erecting a whole conversation upon the foundation of the lightest +phrase. He contrived a reply to the lady's answer, was able to put the +most natural question next, to follow that with a happy stroke of wit, +and within three minutes to make it seem the most obvious thing in the +world that he should be saying + +“I am sure that Lord Tulliwuddle will never forgive me if I fail to +learn the names of any visitors who have honored him to-day.” + +“Mine,” said the girl, her color rising slightly, but her glance as kind +as ever, “is Julia Wallingford. This is my friend Miss Minchell.” + +The Count bowed. + +“And may I introduce myself as a friend of Tulliwuddle's, answering to +the name of Count Bunker.” + +Again Miss Wallingford's color rose. In a low and ardent voice she began + +“I am so glad to meet you! Your name is already----” + +But at that instant, when the Count was bending forward to catch the +words and the lady bending down to utter them, a hand grasped him by the +sleeve, and the Baron's voice exclaimed, + +“Come, Bonker, quickly here to help me!” + +He would fain have presented his lordship to the ladies, but the Baron +was too hurried to pause, and with a parting bow he was reluctantly +borne off to assist his friend out of his latest dilemma. + +“Pooh, my dear Baron!” he cried, when the situation was explained to +him; “you couldn't have done more damage to their hearts if you had +hurled your hammer at them! A touch of jealousy was all that was +needed to complete your conquests. But for me you have spoiled the most +promising affair imaginable. There goes their carriage trotting down the +drive! And I shall probably never know whether my name was already in +her heart or in her prayers. Those are the two chief receptacles for +gentlemen's names, I believe--aren't they, Baron?” + +On his advice the rival families were left to the soothing influences of +a good dinner and a night's sleep, and he found himself free to ponder +over his interrupted adventure. + +“Undoubtedly one feels all the better for a little appreciation,” he +reflected complacently. “I wonder if it was my trews that bowled her +over?” + + + +CHAPTER XXV + +The Count next morning consumed a solitary breakfast, his noble friend +having risen some hours previously and gone for an early walk upon the +hill. But he was far from feeling any trace of boredom, since an open +letter beside his plate appeared to provide him with an ample fund of +pleasant and entertaining reflections. + +“I have not withered yet,” he said to himself. “Here is proof positive +that some blossom, some aroma remains!” + +The precise terms of this encouraging epistle were these: + + +“THE LASH, near NETHERBRIG. + +“Tuesday night. + +“DEAR COUNT BUNKER,--Forgive what must seem to you INCREDIBLE boldness +(!), and do not think worse of me than I deserve. It seems such a pity +that you should be so near and yet that I should lose this chance of +gratifying my great desire. If you knew how I prized the name of Bunker +you would understand; but no doubt I am only one among many, and you do +understand better than I can explain. + +“My father is away from home, and the WORLD dictates prudence; but +I know your views on conventionality are those I too have learned to +share, so will you come and see me before you leave Scotland? + +“With kindest regards and in great haste because I want you to get this +to-morrow morning. Believe me, yours very sincerely, + +“JULIA WALLINGFORD.” + + +“P.S.--If it would upset your arrangements to come only for the day, +Miss Minchell agrees with me that we could easily put you up.--J. W.” + + +“By Jingo!” mused the Count, “that's what I call a sporting offer. Her +father away from home, and Count Bunker understanding better than she +can explain! Gad, it's my duty to go!” + +But besides the engaging cordiality of Miss Wallingford's invitation, +there was something about the letter that puzzled almost as much as it +cheered him. + +“She prizes the name of Bunker, does she? Never struck me it was very +ornamental; and in any case the compliment seems a trifle stretched. +But, hang it! this is looking a gift-horse in the mouth. Such ardor +deserves to be embraced, not dissected.” + +He swiftly debated how best to gratify the lady. Last night it had been +his own counsel, and likewise the Baron's desire, to leave by the night +mail that very evening, with their laurels still unfaded and blessings +heaped upon their heads. Why not make his next stage The Lash? + +“Hang it, the Baron has had such a good innings that he can scarcely +grudge me a short knock,” he said to himself. “He can wait for me at +Perth or somewhere.” + +And, ringing the bell, he wrote and promptly despatched this brief +telegram: + +“Delighted. Shall spend to-night in passing. Bunker.” + +Hardly was this point settled when the footman re-entered to inform +him that Mr. Maddison's motor car was at the door waiting to convey him +without delay to Lincoln Lodge. Accompanying this announcement came the +Silver King's card bearing the words, “Please come and see me at once.” + +The Count stroked his chin, and lit a cigarette. + +“There is something fresh in the wind,” thought he. + +In the course of his forty-miles-an-hour rush through the odors of pine +woods, he had time to come to a pretty correct conclusion regarding +the business before him, and was thus enabled to adopt the mien most +suitable to the contingency when he found himself ushered into the +presence of the millionaire and his son. The set look upon their faces, +the ceremonious manner of their greeting, and the low buzzing of the +phonograph, audible above the tinkle of a musical box ingeniously +intended to drown it, confirmed his guess even before a word had passed. + +“Be seated, Count,” said the Silver King; and the Count sat. + +“Now, sir,” he continued, “I have sent for you, owing, sir, to the high +opinion I have formed of your intelligence and business capabilities.” + +The Count bowed profoundly. + +“Yes, sir, I believe, and my son believes, you to be a white man, even +though you are a Count.” + +“That is so,” said Ri. + +“Now, sir, you must be aware--in fact, you ARE aware--of the matrimonial +project once entertained between my daughter and Lord Tulliwuddle.” + +“Once!” exclaimed the Count in protest. + +“ONCE!” echoed Ri in his deepest voice. + +“Hish, Ri! Let your poppa do the talking this time,” said the +millionaire sternly, though with an indulgent eye. + +“But--er--ONCE?” repeated the Count, as if bewildered by the past tense +implied; though to himself he murmured--“I knew it!” + +“When I gave my sanction to Lord Tulliwuddle's proposition, I did +so under the impression that I was doing a deal with a man, sir, of +integrity and honor. But what do I find?” + +“Yes, what?” thundered Ri. + +“I find, sir, that his darned my-lordship--and be damned to his +titles----” + +“Mr. Maddison!” expostulated the Count gently. + +“I find, Count, I find that Lord Tulliwuddle, under pretext of paying +my Eleanor a compliment, has provided an entertainment--a musical and +athletic entertainment--for another woman!” + +The Count sprang to his feet. + +“Impossible!” he cried. + +“It is true!” + +“Name her!” + +“She answers, sir, to the plebeian cognomen of Gallosh.” + +“A nobody!” sneered Ri. + +“In trade!” added his father scornfully. + +Had the occasion been more propitious, the Count could scarcely have +refrained from commenting upon this remarkably republican criticism; +but, as it was, he deemed it more advisable to hunt with the hounds. + +“That canaille!” he shouted. “Ha, ha! Lord Tulliwuddle would never so +far demean himself!” + +“I have it from old Gallosh himself,” declared Mr. Maddison. + +“And that girl Gallosh told Eleanor the same,” added Ri. + +“Pooh!” cried the Count. “A mere invention.” + +“You are certain, sir, that Lord Tulliwuddle gave them no grounds +whatever for supposing such a thing?” + +“I pledge my reputation as Count of the Austrian Empire, that if +my friend be indeed a Tulliwuddle he is faithful to your charming +daughter!” + +Father and son looked at him shrewdly. + +“Being a Tulliwuddle, or any other sort of pampered aristocrat, doesn't +altogether guarantee faithfulness,” observed the Silver King. + +“If he has deceived you, he shall answer to ME!” declared the Count. +“And between ourselves, as nature's gentleman to nature's gentleman, you +may assure Miss Maddison that there is not the remotest likelihood of +this scheming Miss Gallosh ever becoming my friend's bride!” + +The two Dariuses were sensibly affected by this assurance. + +“As nature's gentleman to nature's gentleman!” repeated the elder with +unction, wringing his hand. + +His son displayed an equal enthusiasm, and the Count departed with an +enhanced reputation and the lingering fragrance of a cocktail upon his +tongue. + +“Now I think we are in comparatively smooth water,” he said to himself +as he whizzed back to the castle. + +At the door he was received by the butler. + +“Mr. Gallosh is waiting for you in the library, my lord,” said he, +adding confidentially (since the Count had endeared himself to all), +“He's terrible impatient for to see your lordship.” + + + +CHAPTER XXVI + +Evidently Mr. Gallosh, while waiting for the Count's return, had so +worked up his wrath that it was ready to explode on a hair-trigger +touch; and, as evidently, his guest's extreme urbanity made it +exceedingly difficult to carry out his threatening intentions. + +“I want a word with you, Count. I've been wanting a word with you all +morning,” he began. + +“Believe me, Mr. Gallosh, I appreciate the compliment.” + +“Where were you? I mean it was verra annoying not to find you when I +wanted you.” + +The merchant was so evidently divided between anxiety to blurt out his +mind while it was yet hot from the making up, and desire not to affront +a guest and a man of rank, that the Count could scarcely restrain a +smile. + +“It is equally annoying to myself. I should have enjoyed a conversation +with you at any hour since breakfast.” + +“Umph,” replied his host. + +“What can I do for you now?” + +Mr. Gallosh looked at him steadfastly. + +“Count Bunker,” said he, “I am only a plain man----” + +“The ladies, I assure you, are not of that opinion,” interposed the +Count politely. + +Mr. Gallosh seemed to him to receive this compliment with more suspicion +than pleasure. + +“I'm saying,” he repeated, “that I'm only a plain man of business, and +you and your friend are what you'd call swells.” + +“God forbid that I should!” the Count interjected fervently. “'Toffs,' +possibly--but no matter, please continue.” + +“Well, now, so long as his lordship likes to treat me and my family as +kind of belonging to a different sphere, I'm well enough content. I make +no pretensions, Count, to be better than what I am.” + +“I also, Mr. Gallosh, endeavor to affect a similar modesty. It's rather +becoming, I think, to a fine-looking man.” + +“It's becoming to any kind of man that he should know his place. But I +was saying, I'd have been content if his lordship had been distant and +polite and that kind of thing. But was he? You know yourself, Count, how +he's behaved!” + +“Perfectly politely, I trust.” + +“But he's not been what you'd call distant, Count Bunker. In fac', the +long and the short of it is just this--what's his intentions towards my +Eva?” + +“Is it Mrs. Gallosh who desires this information?” + +“It is. And myself too; oh, I'm not behindhand where the reputation of +my daughters is concerned!” + +“Mrs. G. has screwed him up to this,” said the Count to himself. Aloud, +he asked with his blandest air-- + +“Was not Lord Tulliwuddle available himself?” + +“No; he's gone out.” + +“Alone?” + +“No, not alone.” + +“In brief, with Miss Gallosh?” + +“Quite so; and what'll he be saying to her?” + +“He is a man of such varied information that it's hard to guess.” + +“From all I hear, there's not been much variety so far,” said Mr. +Gallosh drily. + +“Dear me!” observed the Count. + +His host looked at him for a few moments. + +“Well?” he demanded at length. + +“Pardon me if I am stupid, but what comment do you expect me to make?” + +“Well, you see, we all know quite well you're more in his lordship's +confidence than any one else in the house, and I'd take it as a favor if +you'd just give me your honest opinion. Is he just playing himself--or +what?” + +The worthy Mr. Gallosh was so evidently sincere, and looked at him with +such an appealing eye, that the Count found the framing of a suitable +reply the hardest task that had yet been set him. + +“Mr. Gallosh, if I were in Tulliwuddle's shoes I can only say that I +should consider myself a highly fortunate individual; and I do sincerely +believe that that is his own conviction also.” + +“You think so?” + +“I do indeed.” + +Though sensibly relieved, Mr. Gallosh still felt vaguely conscious that +if he attempted to repeat this statement for the satisfaction of his +wife, he would find it hard to make it sound altogether as reassuring +as when accompanied by the Count's sympathetic voice. He ruminated for a +minute, and then suddenly recalled what the Count's evasive answers and +sympathetic assurances had driven from his mind. Yet it was, in fact, +the chief occasion of concern. + +“Do you know, Count Bunker, what his lordship has gone and done?” + +“Should one inquire too specifically?” smiled the Count; but Mr. Gallosh +remained unmoved. + +“You can bear me witness that he told us he was giving this gathering in +my Eva's honor?” + +“Undoubtedly.” + +“Well, he went and told Miss Maddison it was for her sake?” + +“Incredible!” + +“It's a fact!” + +“I refuse to believe my friend guilty of such perfidy! Who told you +this?” + +“The Maddisons themselves.” + +“Ha, ha!” laughed the Count, as heartily as he had laughed at Lincoln +Lodge; “don't you know these Americans sometimes draw the long bow?” + +“You mean to say you don't believe they told the truth?” + +“My dear Mr. Gallosh, I would answer you in the oft-quoted words of +Horace--'Arma virumque cano.' The philosophy of a solar system is some +times compressed within an eggshell. Say nothing and see!” + +He shook his host heartily by the hand as he spoke, and Mr. Gallosh, +to his subsequent perplexity, found the interview apparently at a +satisfactory conclusion. + +“And now,” said the Count to himself, “'Bolt!' is the word.” + +As he set about his packing in the half-hour that yet remained before +luncheon, he was surprised to note that his friend had evidently left no +orders yet concerning any preparations for his departure. + +“Confound him! I thought he had made up his mind last night! Ah, +there he comes--and singing, too, by Jingo! If he wants another day's +dalliance----” + +At this point his reflections were interrupted by the entrance of the +jovial Baron himself. He stopped and stared at his friend. + +“Vat for do you pack up?” + +“Because we leave this afternoon.” + +“Ach, Bonker, absurd! To-morrow--yes, to-morrow ve vill leave.” + +Bunker folded his arms and looked at him seriously. + +“I have had two interviews this morning--one with Mr. Maddison, the +other with Mr. Gallosh. They were neither of them pleased with you, +Baron.” + +“Not pleased? Vat did zey say?” + +Depicting the ire of these gentlemen in the most vivid terms, the Count +gave him a summary of his morning's labors. + +“Pooh, pooh! Tuts, tuts!” exclaimed the Baron. “I vill make zat all +right; never do you fear. Eva, she does smile on me already. Eleanor, +she vill also ven I see her. Leave it to me.” + +“You won't go to-day?” + +“To-morrow, Bonker, I swear I vill for certain!” + +Bonker pondered. + +“Hang it!” he exclaimed. “The worst of it is, I've pledged myself to go +upon a visit.” + +The Baron listened to the tale of his incipient romance with the +greatest relish. + +“Bot go, my friend! Bot go!” he cried, “and zen come back here to-morrow +and ve vill leave togezzer.” + +“Leave you alone, with the barometer falling and the storm-cone hoisted? +I don't like to, Baron.” + +“Bot to leave zat leetle girl--eh, Bonker? How is zat?” + +“Was ever a man so torn between two duties!” exclaimed the conscientious +Count. + +“Ladies come first!” quoth the Baron. + +Bunker was obviously strongly tending to this opinion also. + +“Can I trust you to guide your own destinies without me?” + +The Baron drew himself up with a touch of indignation. + +“Am I a child or a fool? I have guided mine destiny vary vell so far, +and I zink I can still so do. Ven vill you go to see Miss Wallingford?” + +“I'll hire a trap from the village after lunch and be off about four,” + said the Count. “Long live the ladies! Learn wisdom by my example! Will +this tie conquer her, do you think?” + +In this befitting spirit he drove off that afternoon, and the Baron, +after waving his adieus from the door, strode brimful of confidence +towards the drawing-room. His thoughts must have gone astray, for he +turned by accident into the wrong room--a small apartment hardly used +at all; and before he had time to turn back he stopped petrified at the +sight of a picture on the wall. There could be no mistake--it was the +original of that ill-omened print he had seen in the Edinburgh hotel, +“The Execution of Lord Tulliwuddle.” The actual title was there plain to +see. + +“Zen it vas not a hoax!” he gasped. + +His first impulse was to look for a bicycle and tear after the dog-cart. + +“But can I ride him in a kilt?” he reflected. + +By the time he had fully debated this knotty point his friend was miles +upon his way, and the Baron was left ruefully to lament his rashness in +parting with such an ally. + + + +CHAPTER XXVII + +During the horrid period of suspense that followed her visit to Sir +Justin, the Baroness von Blitzenberg naturally enough felt disinclined +to go much into society, and in fact rarely went out at all during the +Baron's absence, except to the houses of one or two of her mother's +particular friends. Even then she felt much more inclined to stay at +home. + +“Need we go to Mrs. Jerwin-Speedy's to-night?” she said one afternoon. + +“Certainly,” replied the Countess decisively. + +Alicia sighed submissively; but this attitude was abruptly changed into +one of readiness, nay, even of alacrity, when her mother remarked-- + +“By the way, she is an aunt of the present Tulliwuddle. I believe it was +you who were asking about him the other day.” + +“Was I?” said the Baroness carelessly; but she offered no further +objections to attending Mrs. Jerwin-Speedy's reception. + +She found there a large number of people compressed into a couple of +small rooms, and she soon felt so lost in the crush of strangers, and +the chances of obtaining any information about Lord Tulliwuddle or his +Eva seemed so remote, that she soon began to wish herself comfortably at +home again, even though it were only to fret. But fortune, which had so +long been unkind to her and indulgent to her erring spouse, chose that +night as the turning-point in her tide of favors. Little dreaming how +much hung on a mere introduction, Mrs. Jerwin-Speedy led up to the +Baroness an apparently nervous and diffident young man. + +“Let me introduce my nephew, Lord Tulliwuddle--the Baroness von +Blitzenberg,” said she; and having innocently hurled this bomb, retired +from further participation in the drama. + +With young and diffident men Alicia had a pleasant instinct for +conducting herself as smilingly as though they were the greatest wits +about the town. The envious of her sex declared that it was because she +scarcely recognized the difference; but be that as it may, it served her +on this occasion in the most admirable stead. She detached the agitated +peer from the thickest of the throng, propped him beside her against the +wall, and by her kindness at length unloosed his tongue. Then it was +she began to suspect that his nervous manner must surely be due to some +peculiar circumstance rather than mere constitutional shyness. Made +observant by her keen curiosity, she noticed at first a worried, almost +hunted, look in his eyes and an extreme impatience of scrutiny by +his fellow-guests; but as he gained confidence in her kindness and +discretion these passed away, and he appeared simply a garrulous young +man, with a tolerably good opinion of himself. + +“Poor fellow! He is in trouble of some kind. Something to do with Eva, +of course!” she said to her sympathetically. + +The genuine Tulliwuddle had indeed some cause for perturbation. After +keeping himself out of the way of all his friends and most of his +acquaintances ever since the departure of his substitute, hearing +nothing of what was happening at Hechnahoul, and living in daily dread +of the ignominious exposure of their plot, he had stumbled by accident +against his aunt, explained his prolonged absence from her house with +the utmost difficulty, and found himself forced to appease her wounded +feelings by appearing where he least wished to be seen--in a crowded +London reception-room. No wonder the unfortunate young man seemed +nervous and ill at ease. + +As for Alicia, she was consumed with anxiety to know why he was here +and not in Scotland, as Sir Justin had supposed; and, indeed, to learn +a number of things. And now they were rapidly getting on sufficiently +familiar terms for her to put a tactful question or two. Encouraged by +her sympathy, he began to touch upon his own anxieties. + +“A young man ought to get married, I suppose,” he remarked +confidentially. + +The Baroness smiled. + +“That depends on whether he likes any one well enough to marry her, +doesn't it?” + +He sighed. + +“Do you think--honestly now,” he said solemnly, “that one should marry +for love or marry for money?” + +“For love, certainly!” + +“You really think so? You'd advise--er--advise a fellow to blow the +prejudices of his friends, and that sort of thing?” + +“I should have to know a little more about the case.” + +He was evidently longing for a confidant. + +“Suppose er--one girl was ripping, but--well--on the stage, for +instance.” + +“On the stage!” exclaimed the Baroness. “Yes, please go on. What about +the other girl?” + +“Suppose she had simply pots of money, but the fellow didn't know much +more about her?” + +“I certainly shouldn't marry a girl I didn't know a good deal about,” + said the Baroness with conviction. + +Lord Tulliwuddle seemed impressed with this opinion. + +“That's just what I have begun to think,” said he, and gazed down at his +pumps with a meditative air. + +The Baroness thought the moment had come when she could effect a pretty +little surprise. + +“Which of them is called Eva?” she asked archly. + +To her intense disappointment he merely stared. + +“Don't you really know any girl called Eva?” + +He shook his head. + +“Can't think of any one.” + +Suspicion, fear, bewilderment, made her reckless. + +“Have you been in Scotland--at your castle, as I heard you were going?” + +A mighty change came over the young man. He backed away from her, +stammering hurriedly, + +“No--yes--I--er--why do you ask me that?” + +“Is there any other Lord Tulliwuddle?” she demanded breathlessly. + +He gave her one wild look, and then without so much as a farewell had +turned and elbowed his way out of the room. + +“It's all up!” he said to himself. “There's no use trying to play that +game any longer--Essington has muddled it somehow. Well, I'm free to do +what I like now!” + +In this state of mind he found himself in the street, hailed the first +hansom, and drove headlong from the dangerous regions of Belgravia. + +. . . . . . + +Till the middle of the next day the Baroness still managed to keep her +own counsel, though she was now so alarmed that she was twenty times on +the point of telling everything to her mother. But the arrival of a note +from Sir Justin ended her irresolution. It ran thus: + + +“MY DEAR ALICIA,--I have just learned for certain that Lord T. is at his +place in Scotland. Singularly enough, he is described as apparently of +foreign extraction, and I hear that he is accompanied by a friend of the +name of Count Bunker. I am just setting out for the North myself, and +trust that I may be able to elucidate the mystery. Yours very truly, + +“JUSTIN WALLINGFORD.” + + +“Foreign extraction! Count Bunker!” gasped the Baroness; and without +stopping to debate the matter again, she rushed into her mother's arms, +and there sobbed out the strange story of her second letter and the two +Lord Tulliwuddles. + +It were difficult to say whether anger at her daughter's deceit, +indignation with the treacherous Baron, or a stern pleasure in finding +her worst prognostications in a fair way to being proved, was the +uppermost emotion in Lady Grillyer's mind when she had listened to this +relation. Certainly poor Alicia could not but think that sympathy for +her troubles formed no ingredient in the mixture. + +“To think of your concealing this from me for so long!” she cried: “and +Sir Justin abetting you! I shall tell him very plainly what I think +of him! But if my daughter sets an example in treachery, what can one +expect of one's friends?” + +“After all, mamma, it was my own and Rudolph's concern more than +your's!” exclaimed Alicia, flaring up for an instant. + +“Don't answer me, child!” thundered the Countess. “Fetch me a railway +time-table, and say nothing that may add to your sin!” + +“A time-table, mamma? What for?” + +“I am going to Scotland,” pronounced the Countess. + +“Then I shall go too!” + +“Indeed you shall not. You will wait here till I have brought Rudolph +back to you.” + +The Baroness said nothing aloud, but within her wounded heart she +thought bitterly, + +“Mamma seems to forget that even worms will turn sometimes!” + + + +CHAPTER XXVIII + +“A decidedly delectable residence,” said Count Bunker to himself as +his dog-cart approached the lodge gates of The Lash. “And a very proper +setting for the pleasant scenes so shortly to be enacted. Lodge, avenue, +a bogus turret or two, and a flagstaff on top of 'em--by Gad, I think +one may safely assume a tolerable cellar in such a mansion.” + +As he drove up the avenue between a double line of ancient elms and +sycamores, his satisfaction increased and his spirits rose ever higher. + +“I wonder if I can forecast the evening: a game of three-handed bridge, +in which I trust I'll be lucky enough to lose a little silver, that'll +put 'em in good-humor and make old Miss What-d'ye-may-call-her the more +willing to go to bed early; then the departure of the chaperon; and then +the tete-a-tete! I hope to Heaven I haven't got rusty!” + +With considerable satisfaction he ran over the outfit he had brought, +deeming it even on second thoughts a singularly happy selection: the +dining coat with pale-blue lapels, the white tie of a new material +and cut borrowed from the Baron's finery, the socks so ravishingly +embroidered that he had more than once caught the ladies at Hechnahoul +casting affectionate glances upon them. + +“A first-class turn-out,” he thought. “And what a lucky thing I thought +of borrowing a banjo from young Gallosh! A coon song in the twilight +will break the ground prettily.” + +By this time they had stopped before the door, and an elderly +man-servant, instead of waiting for the Count, came down the steps to +meet him. In his manner there was something remarkably sheepish and +constrained, and, to the Count's surprise, he thrust forth his hand +almost as if he expected it to be shaken. Bunker, though a trifle +puzzled, promptly handed him the banjo case, remarking pleasantly-- + +“My banjo; take care of it, please.” + +The man started so violently that he all but dropped it upon the steps. + +“What the deuce did he think I said?” wondered the Count. “'Banjo' can't +have sounded 'dynamite.'” + +He entered the house, and found himself in a pleasant hall, where his +momentary uneasiness was at once forgotten in the charming welcome +of his hostess. Not only she, but her chaperon, received him with a +flattering warmth that realized his utmost expectations. + +“It was so good of you to come!” cried Miss Wallingford. + +“So very kind,” murmured Miss Minchell. + +“I knew you wouldn't think it too unorthodox!” added Julia. + +“I'm afraid orthodoxy is a crime I shall never swing for,” said the +Count, with his most charming smile. + +“I am sure my father wouldn't REALLY mind,” said Julia. + +“Not if Sir Justin shared your enthusiasm, dear,” added Miss Minchell. + +“I must teach him to!” + +“Good Lord!” thought the Count. “This is friendly indeed.” + +A few minutes passed in the exchange of these preliminaries, and then +his hostess said, with a pretty little air of discipleship that both +charmed and slightly puzzled him, + +“You do still think that nobody should dine later than six, don't you? I +have ordered dinner for six to-night.” + +“Six!” exclaimed the Count, but recovering himself, added, “An ideal +hour--and it is half-past five now. Perhaps I had better think of +dressing.” + +“What YOU call dressing!” smiled Julia, to his justifiable amazement. +“Let me show you to your room.” + +She led him upstairs, and finally stopped before an open door. + +“There!” she said, with an air of pride. “It is really my father's +bedroom when he is at home, but I've had it specially prepared for YOU! +Is it just as you would like?” + +Bunker was incapable of observing anything very particularly beyond the +fact that the floor was uncarpeted, and as nearly free from furniture as +a bedroom floor could well be. + +“It is ravishing!” he murmured, and dismissed her with a well-feigned +smile. + +Bereft even of expletives, he gazed round the apartment prepared for +him. It was a few moments before he could bring himself to make a tour +of its vast bleakness. + +“I suppose that's what they call a truckle-bed,” he mused. “Oh, there +is one chair--nothing but cold water-towels made of vegetable fibre +apparently. The devil take me, is this a reformatory for bogus +noblemen!” + +He next gazed at the bare whitewashed wall. On it hung one picture--the +portrait of a strangely attired man. + +“What a shocking-looking fellow!” he exclaimed, and went up to examine +it more closely. + +Then, with a stupefying shock, he read this legend beneath it: + +“Count Bunker. Philosopher, teacher, and martyr.” + +For a minute he stared in rapt amazement, and then sharply rang the +bell. + +“Hang it,” he said to himself, “I must throw a little light on this +somehow!” + +Presently the elderly man-servant appeared, this time in a state of +still more obvious confusion. For a moment he stared at the Count--who +was too discomposed by his manner to open his lips--and then, once more +stretching out his hand, exclaimed in a choked voice and a strong Scotch +accent-- + +“How are ye, Bunker!” + +“What the deuce!” shouted the Count, evading the proffered hand-shake +with an agile leap. + +The poor fellow turned scarlet, and in an humble voice blurted out-- + +“She told me to do it! Miss Julia said ye'd like me to shake hands and +just ca' ye plain Bunker. I beg your pardon, sir; oh, I beg your pardon +humbly!” + +The Count looked at him keenly. + +“He is evidently telling the truth,” he thought. + +Thereupon he took from his pocket half a sovereign. + +“My good fellow,” he began. “By the way, what's your name?” + +“Mackenzie, sir.” + +“Mackenzie, my honest friend, I clearly perceive that Miss Wallingford, +in her very kind efforts to gratify my unconventional tastes, has +put herself to quite unnecessary trouble. She has even succeeded in +surprising me, and I should be greatly obliged if you would kindly +explain to me the reasons for her conduct, so far as you can.” + +At this point the half-sovereign changed hands. + +“In the first place,” resumed the Count, “what is the meaning of this +remarkably villainous portrait labelled with my name?” + +“That, sir,” stammered Mackenzie, greatly taken aback by the inquiry. +“Why, sir, that's the famous Count Bunker--your uncle, sir, is he no'?” + +Bunker began to see a glimmer of light, though the vista it illumined +was scarcely a much pleasanter prospect than the previous bank of fog. +He remembered now, for the first time since his journey north, that the +Baron, in dubbing him Count Bunker, had encouraged him to take the +title on the ground that it was a real dignity once borne by a famous +personage; and in a flash he realized the pitfalls that awaited a +solitary false step. + +“THAT my uncle!” he exclaimed with an air of pleased surprise, examining +the portrait more attentively; “by Gad, I suppose it is! But I can't say +it is a flattering likeness. 'Philosopher, teacher, and martyr'--how apt +a description! I hadn't noticed that before, or I should have known at +once who it was.” + +Still Mackenzie was looking at him with a perplexed and uneasy air. + +“Miss Wallingford, sir, seems under the impression that you would +be wanting jist the same kind of things as he likit,” he remarked +diffidently. + +The Count laughed. + +“Hence the condemned cell she's put me in? I see! Ha, ha! No, Mackenzie, +I have moved with the times. In fact, my uncle's philosophy and +teachings always struck me as hardly suitable for a gentleman.” + +“I was thinking that mysel',” observed Mackenzie. + +“Well, you understand now how things are, don't you? By the way, you +haven't put out my evening clothes, I notice.” + +“You werena to dress, sir, Miss Julia said.” + +“Not to dress! What the deuce does she expect me to dine in?” + +With a sheepish grin Mackenzie pointed to something upon the bed which +the Count had hitherto taken to be a rough species of quilt. + +“She said you might like to wear that, sir.” + +The Count took it up. + +“It appears to be a dressing-gown!” said he. + +“She said, sir, your uncle was wont to dine in it.” + +“Ah! It's one of my poor uncle's eccentricities, is it? Very nice of +Miss Wallingford; but all the same I think you can put out my evening +clothes for me; and, I say, get me some hot water and a couple of +towels that feel a little less like sandpaper, will you? By the way--one +moment, Mackenzie!--you needn't mention anything of this to Miss +Wallingford. I'll explain it all to her myself.” + +It is remarkable how the presence or absence of a few of the very minor +accessories of life will affect the humor even of a man so essentially +philosophical as Count Bunker. His equanimity was most marvelously +restored by a single jugful of hot water, and by the time he came to +survey his blue lapels in the mirror the completest confidence shone in +his humorous eyes. + +“How deuced pleased she'll be to find I'm a white man after all,” he +reflected. “Supposing I'd really turned out a replica of that unshaved +heathen on the wall--poor girl, what a dull evening she'd have spent! +Perhaps I'd better break the news gently for the chaperon's sake, but +once we get her of to bed I rather fancy the fair Julia and I will smile +together over my dear uncle's dressing-gown!” + +And in this humor he strode forth to conquer. + + + +CHAPTER XXIX + +Count Bunker could not but observe that Miss Wallingford's eyes +expressed more surprise than pleasure when he entered the drawing-room, +and he was confirmed in his resolution to let his true character appear +but gradually. Afterwards he could not congratulate himself too heartily +on this prudent decision. + +“I fear,” he said, “that I am late.” (It was in fact half-past six by +now.) “I have been searching through my wardrobe to find some nether +garments at all appropriate to the overall--if I may so term it--which +you were kind enough to lay out for me. But I found mustard of that +particular shade so hard to match that I finally decided in favor of +this more conventional habit. I trust you don't mind?” + +Both the ladies, though evidently disappointed, excused him with much +kindness, and Miss Minchell alluded directly to his blue lapels as +evidence that even now he held himself somewhat aloof from strict +orthodoxy. + +“May we see any allusion to your uncle, the late Count Bunker, in his +choice of color?” she asked in a reverently hushed voice. + +“Yes,” replied the Count readily; “my aunt's stockings were of that +hue.” + +From the startled glances of the two ladies it became plain that the +late Count Bunker had died a bachelor. + +“My other aunt,” he exclaimed unabashed; yet nevertheless it was with +decided pleasure that he heard dinner announced immediately afterwards. + +“They seem to know something about my uncle,” he said to himself. “I +must glean a few particulars too.” + +A horrible fear lest his namesake might have dined solely upon herbs, +and himself be expected to follow his example, was pleasantly dissipated +by a glance at the menu; but he confessed to a sinking of his heart when +he observed merely a tumbler beside his own plate and a large brown jug +before him. + +“Good heavens!” he thought, “do they imagine an Austrian count is +necessarily a beer drinker?” + +With a sigh he could not quite smother, he began to pour the contents +into his glass, and then set it down abruptly, emitting a startled +exclamation. + +“What is the matter?” cried Julia sympathetically. + +Her eyes (he was embarrassed to note) followed his every movement like a +dog's, and her apprehension clearly was extreme. + +“This seems to be water,” smiled the Count, with an effort to carry off +their error as pleasantly for them as possible. + +“Isn't it good water?” asked Julia with an air of concern. + +It was the Count's turn to open his eyes. + +“You have concluded then that I am a teetotaler?” + +“Of course, we know you are!” + +“If we may judge by your prefaces,” smiled Miss Minchell. + +The Count began to realize the hazards that beset him; but his spirit +stoutly rose to meet the shock of the occasion. + +“There is no use in attempting to conceal my idiosyncrasies, I see,” + he answered. “But to-night, will you forgive me if I break through +the cardinal rule of my life and ask you for a little stimulant? My +doctor----” + +“I see!” cried Miss Wallingford compassionately. “Of course, one can't +dispute a doctor's orders. What would you like?” + +“Oh, anything you have. He did recommend champagne--if it was good; but +anything will do.” + +“A bottle of the VERY best champagne, Mackenzie!” + +The dinner now became an entirely satisfactory meal. Inspired by his +champagne and by the success of his audacity in so easily surmounting +all difficulties, the Count delighted his hostesses by the vivacity and +originality of his conversation. On the one hand, he chose topics not +too flippant in themselves and treated them with a becomingly serious +air; on the other, he carefully steered the talk away from the +neighborhood of his uncle. + +“By the time I fetch out my banjo they'll have forgotten all about him,” + he said to himself complacently. + +Knowing well the importance of the individual factor in all the +contingencies of life, he set himself, in the meanwhile, to study with +some attention the two ladies beside him. Miss Minchell he had already +summarized as an agreeable nonentity, and this impression was only +confirmed on better acquaintance. It was quite evident, he perceived, +that she was dragged practically unresisting in Miss Wallingford's +wake--even to the length of abetting the visit of an unknown bachelor in +the absence of Miss Wallingford's parent. + +As for Julia, he decided that she was even better-looking and more +agreeable than he had at first imagined; though, having the gayest of +hearts himself, he was a trifle disconcerted to observe the uniform +seriousness of her ideas. How one could reconcile her ecstatic +enthusiasm for the ideal with her evident devotion to himself he was at +a loss to conceive. + +“However, we will investigate that later,” he thought. + +But first came a more urgent question: Had his uncle and his “prefaces” + committed him to forswear tobacco? He resolved to take the bull by the +horns. + +“I hope you will not be scandalized to learn that I have acquired the +pernicious habit of smoking?” he said as they rose from the table. + +“I told you he was smoking a cigar at Hechnahoul!” cried Miss Minchell +with an air of triumph. + +“I thought you were mistaken,” said Julia, and the Count could see that +he had slipped a little from his pedestal. + +This must not be permitted; yet he must smoke. + +“Of course I don't smoke REAL tobacco!” he exclaimed. + +“Oh, in that case,” cried Julia, “certainly then you may smoke in the +drawing-room. What is it you use?” + +“A kind of herb that subdues the appetites, Miss Wallingford.” + +He could see at a glance that he was more firmly on his pedestal than +ever. + + + +CHAPTER XXX + +“I have been longing for this moment!” said Julia softly. + +The Count and she were seated over the drawing-room fire, Bunker in +an easy-chair, smoking one of the excellent cigars which he had so +grievously slandered, Julia upon a stool by his knees, her face suffused +with the most intense expression of rapture. Miss Minchell was in the +background, shrouded in shadow, purporting to be enjoying a nap; yet the +Count could not but think that in so large a house a separate +apartment might well have been provided for her. Her presence, he felt, +circumscribed his actions uncomfortably. + +“So have I!” he murmured, deeming this the most appropriate answer. + +“Now we can talk about HIM!” + +He started, but preserved his composure. + +“Couldn't we keep HIM till morning?” he suggested. + +“But that is why you are here!” + +She spoke as if this were self-evident; while the Count read himself a +thousand lessons upon the errors vanity is apt to lead one into. Yet his +politeness remained unruffled. + +“Of course,” he answered. “Of course! But you see my knowledge of +him----” + +He was about to say that it was very slight, when, fortunately for him, +she interrupted with an eager-- + +“I know! I know! You were more than a son to him!” + +“The deuce and all!” thought the Count. “That was a narrow squeak!” + +“Do you know,” she continued in the same tone, “I have actually had the +audacity to translate one of his books--your preface and all.” + +“I understand the allusion now,” thought Bunker. + +Aloud he had the presence of mind to inquire-- + +“Which was it?” + +“'Existence Seriously Reviewed.'” + +“You couldn't have made a better choice,” he assured her. + +“And now, what can you tell me about him?” she cried. + +“Suppose we talk about the book instead,” suggested Bunker, choosing +what seemed the lesser of two evils. + +“Oh, do!” + +She rose impetuously, brought with a reverent air a beautifully written +and neatly tied-up manuscript, and sat again by his knee. Looking over +his shoulder he could see that the chaperon was wide awake and prepared +to listen rapturously also. + +“I have so often longed to have some one with me who could explain +things--the very deep things, you know. But to think of having you--the +Editor and nephew! It's too good to be true.” + +“Only eight o'clock,” he said to himself, glancing at the clock. “I'm in +for a night of it.” + +The vision of a game of bridge and a coon song on the banjo from that +moment faded quite away, and the Count even tucked his feet as far out +of sight as possible, since those entrancing socks served to remind him +too poignantly of what might have been. + +“What exactly did he mean by this?” began Julia, “'Let Potentates fear! +Let Dives tremble! The horny hand of the poor Man in the Street is +stretched forth to grasp his birthright!'” + +“For 'birthright' read 'pocket-book.' There's a mistake in the +translation,” he answered promptly. “It appears to be an indirect +argument for an increase in the Metropolitan police.” + +“Are you sure? I thought--surely it alludes to Socialism!” + +“Of course; and the best advertisement for Socialism is a collision with +the bobbies. My uncle was a remarkably subtle man, I assure you.” + +“How very ingenious!” exclaimed Miss Minchell from the background. + +Julia did her best to feel convinced; but it was in a distinctly less +ecstatic voice that she read her next extract. + +“'Alcohol, riches, and starched linen are the moths and worms of +society.' I suppose he means that they eat away its foundations?” + +“On the contrary, he was an enthusiastic entomologist. He merely meant +to imply that it isn't every one who can appreciate a glass of port and +a clean shirt.” + +“But he didn't appreciate those things himself!” + +“No; poor fellow. He often wished he could, though.” + +“Did he really?” + +“Oh, you've no idea how tired he grew of flannel and ginger-beer! Many a +time he's said to me, 'My boy, learn to take what's set before you, +even at an alderman's table.' Ah, his was a generous creed, Miss +Wallingford!” + +“Yes, I suppose it was,” said Julia submissively. + +His advantage in being able to claim an intimate personal knowledge of +the late philosopher's tastes encouraged the Count greatly. Realizing +that a nephew could not well be contradicted, he was emboldened to ask +whether there were any more points on which his authority could be of +assistance. + +“Oh yes,” said she, “only--only somehow you seem to throw a different +light on everything.” + +“Naturally, dear,” chimed in Miss Minchell, “a personal explanation +always makes things seem different.” + +Julia sighed, but summed up her courage to read out-- + +“'When woman is prized according to her intellect and man according to +his virtue; oh, then mankind will return to Eden!'” + +“That,” said he, “is one of the rare instances of my uncle's pessimism.” + +“Of his pessimism! How can you say that?” + +“He meant to imply that mankind would have to wait for some considerable +time. But do not feel dismayed. My own opinion is that so long as woman +is fair and man has the wit to appreciate her, we ARE in Eden.” + +The gracious tone in which he delivered this dictum, and the moving +smile that accompanied it, appeared to atone completely for his +relative's cynical philosophy. With a smile and a sigh Julia murmured-- + +“Do you really think so?” + +“I do,” said the Count fervently; “and now suppose we were to have a +little music?” + +“Oh yes!” cried Miss Minchell; “do you perform, Count Bunker?” + +“I sometimes sing a little to the guitar.” + +“To the guitar!” said Julia. “How delicious! Have you brought it?” + +“I have been so bold,” he smiled, and promptly went to fetch this +instrument. + +In a few minutes he returned with an apologetic air. + +“I find that by some error they have sent me away with a banjo instead,” + he exclaimed. “But I dare say I could manage an accompaniment on that if +you would condescend to listen to me.” + +He felt so exceedingly disinclined for expounding a philosophy any +longer that he gave them no time to dissent, even had they wished to, +but on the instant struck up that pathetic ditty-- + + “Down by whar de beans grow blue.” + + +And no sooner had he finished it than (barely waiting for his meed of +applause) he further regaled them with-- + + “Twould make a fellow + Turn green and yellow! + + +Finally, as a tit-bit, he contributed-- + + “When hubby s gone to Brighton, + And I ve sent the cook to bed, + Oh who's that a-knocking on the window!” + + +At the conclusion of this concert he knew not whether to feel more +relieved or chagrined to observe that his fair hostess had her eyes +fixed upon the clock. Thanking him with a slightly embarrassed air, she +threw a pointed glance at Miss Minchell, and the two ladies rose. + +“I am afraid you will think we keep very early hours,” she began. + +“It is one of the best rules in my uncle's philosophy,” he interposed. + +Yet though glad enough to have come so triumphantly to the end of his +ordeal, he could not bring himself to let his charming disciple leave +him in a wounded or even disappointed mood. As soon as Miss Minchell had +passed through the door he quietly laid his hand upon Julia's arm, and +with a gesture beckoned her back into the room. + +“Pardon my seeming levity, Miss Wallingford,” he said in a grave and +gentle voice, “but you know not what emotions I had to contend with! +I thank you for your charming sympathy, and I beg you to accept in +my uncle's name that salute by which his followers distinguish the +faithful.” + +And he thereupon kissed the blushing girl with a heartiness that +restored her confidence in him completely. + +“Well,” he said to himself as he retired with his candle, “I've managed +to get a fair penn'orth out of it after all.” + + + +CHAPTER XXXI + +In spite of the Spartan transformation which Sir Justin's bedroom had +undergone, our adventurer enjoyed an excellent night's rest. So fast +asleep was he at the hour of eight next morning that it took him a few +seconds to awake to the full possession of his faculties, even when +disturbed by a loud exclamation at his bedside. He then became aware of +the presence of an entire stranger in his room--a tall and elderly man, +with a long nose and a grizzled beard. This intruder had apparently just +drawn up the blind, and was now looking about him with an expression of +the greatest concern. + +“Mackenzie!” he cried, in the voice of one accustomed to be heard with +submission, “What have you been doing to my room?” + +The butler, too confused for coherent speech, was in the act of bringing +in a small portmanteau. + +“I--I mentioned, Sir Justin, your room was hardly ready for ye, sir. +Perhaps, sir, if ye'd come into the pink room----” + +“What the deuce, there's hardly a stick of furniture left! And whose +clothes are these?” + +“Mine,” answered the Count suavely. + +The stranger started violently, and turned upon the bed an eye at first +alarmed, then rapidly becoming lit with indignation. + +“Who--who is this?” he shouted. + +“That, sir--that----” stammered Mackenzie. + +“Is Count Bunker,” said the Count, who remained entirely courteous in +spite of the inconvenience of this intrusion. “Have I the pleasure of +addressing Sir Justin Wallingford?” + +“You have, sir.” + +“In that case, Mackenzie will be able to give you a satisfactory account +of my presence; and in half an hour or so I shall have the pleasure of +joining you downstairs.” + +The Count, with a polite smile, turned over in bed, as though to +indicate that the interview was now at an end. But his visitor +apparently had other views. + +“I should be obliged by some explanation from yourself of your entry +into my house,” said he, steadily keeping his eye upon the Count. + +“Now how the deuce shall I get out of this hole without letting Julia +into another?” wondered Bunker; but before he could speak, Mackenzie had +blurted out-- + +“Miss Wallingford, sir--the gentleman is a friend of hers, sir.” + +“What!” thundered Sir Justin. + +“I assure you that Miss Wallingford was actuated by the highest motives +in honoring me with an invitation to The Lash,” said Bunker earnestly. + +He had already dismissed an ingenious account of himself as a belated +wanderer, detained by stress of weather, as certain to be contradicted +by Julia herself, and decided instead on risking all upon his supposed +uncle's saintly reputation. + +“How came she to invite you, sir?” demanded Sir Justin. + +“As my uncle's nephew, merely.” + +Sir Justin stared at him in silence, while he brought the full force of +his capacious mind to bear upon the situation. + +“Your name, you say, is Bunker?” he observed at length. + +“Count Bunker,” corrected that nobleman. + +“Ah! Doubtless, then, you are the same gentleman who has been residing +with Lord Tulliwuddle?” + +“I am unaware of a duplicate.” + +“And the uncle you allude to----?” + +By a wave of his hand the Count referred him to the portrait upon the +wall. Sir Justin now stared at it. + +“Bunker--Count Bunker,” he repeated in a musing tone, and then turned +to the present holder of that dignity with a look in his eye which the +adventurer disliked exceedingly. + +“I will confer with you later,” he observed. “Mackenzie, remove my +portmanteau.” + +In a voice inaudible to the Count he gave another order, which was +followed by Mackenzie also removing the Count's clothes from their +chair. + +“I say, Mackenzie!” expostulated Bunker, now beginning to feel seriously +uneasy; but heedless of his protest the butler hastened with them from +the room. + +Then, with a grim smile and a surprising alacrity of movement, Sir +Justin changed the key into the outside of the lock, passed through the +door, and shut and locked it behind him. + +“The devil!” ejaculated Count Bunker. + +Here was a pretty predicament! And the most ominous feature about it +appeared to him to be the deliberation with which his captor had acted. +It seemed that he had got himself into a worse scrape than he could +estimate. + +He wasted no time in examining his prison with an eye to the possibility +of an escape, but it became very quickly evident that he was securely +trapped. From the windows he could not see even a water-pipe within +hail, and the door was unburstably ponderous. Besides, a gentleman +attired either in pajamas or evening dress will naturally shrink from +flight across country at nine o'clock in the morning. It seemed to the +Count that he was as well in bed as anywhere else, and upon this opinion +he acted. + +In about an hour's time the door was cautiously unlocked, and a tray, +containing some breakfast, laid upon the floor; but at the same time he +was permitted to see that a cordon of grooms and keepers guarded +against his flight. He showed a wonderful appetite, all circumstances +considered, smoked a couple of cigars, and at last decided upon getting +up and donning his evening clothes. Thereafter nothing occurred, beyond +the arrival of a luncheon tray, till the afternoon was well advanced; +by which time even his good spirits had become a trifle damped, and his +apprehensions considerably increased. + +At last his prison door was again thrown open, this time by Sir Justin +himself. + +“Come in, my dear,” he said in a grave voice; and with a downcast eye +and scarlet cheek the fair Julia met her guest again. + +Her father closed the door, and they seated themselves before their +prisoner, who, after a profound obeisance to the lady, faced them from +the edge of his bed with an air of more composure than he felt. + +“I await your explanation, Sir Justin,” he began, striking at once the +note which seemed to him (so far as he could guess) most likely to be +characteristic of an innocent and much-injured man. + +“You shall have it,” said Sir Justin grimly. “Julia, you asked this +person to my house under the impression that he was the nephew of that +particularly obnoxious fanatic, Count Herbrand Bunker, and still +engaged upon furthering his relative's philanthropic and other visionary +schemes.” + +“But isn't he----” began Julia with startled eyes. + +“I am Count Bunker,” said our hero firmly. + +“The nephew in question?” inquired Sir Justin. + +“Certainly, sir.” + +Again Sir Justin turned to his daughter. + +“I have already told you what I think of your conduct under any +circumstances. What your feelings will be I can only surmise when I +inform you that I have detained this adventurer here until I had time to +despatch a wire and receive an answer from Scotland Yard.” + +Both Count and Julia started. + +“What, sir!” exclaimed Bunker. + +Quite unmoved by his protest, his captor continued, this time addressing +him-- + +“My memory, fortunately, is unusually excellent, and when you told me +this morning who you were related to, I recalled at once something I had +heard of your past career. It is now confirmed by the reply I received +to my telegram.” + +“And what, Sir Justin, does Scotland Yard have to say about me?” + +“Julia,” said her parent, “this unhappy young man did indeed profess +for some time a regard for his uncle's teachings, and even, I believe, +advocated them in writing. In this way he obtained the disposal of +considerable funds contributed by unsuspicious persons for ostensibly +philanthropic purposes. About two years ago these funds and Count Bunker +simultaneously disappeared, and your estimable guest was last heard of +under an assumed name in the republic of Uruguay.” + +Uncomfortable as his predicament was, this picture of himself as the +fraudulent philanthropist was too much for Bunker's sense of humor, and +to the extreme astonishment of his visitors he went off into a fit +of laughter so hearty and prolonged that it was some time before he +recovered his gravity. + +“My dear friends,” he exclaimed at last, “I am not that Bunker at all! +In fact I was only created a few weeks ago. Bring me back my clothes, +and in return I'll tell you a deuced sight funnier story even than +that.” + +Sir Justin rose and led his daughter to the door. + +“You will have an opportunity to-morrow,” he replied stiffly. “In the +meantime I shall leave you to the enjoyment of the joke.” + +“But, my dear sir----” + +Sir Justin turned his back, and the door closed upon him again. + +Count Bunker's position was now less supportable than ever. + +“Escape I must,” he thought. + +And hardly had he breathed the word when a gleam of his old luck seemed +to return. He was standing by the window, and presently he observed a +groom ride up on a bicycle, dismount, and push it through an outhouse +door. Then the man strolled off, and he said to himself, with an +uprising of his spirits-- + +“There's my steed--if I could once get to it!” + +Then again he thought the situation over, and gradually the prospect +of a midnight ride on a bicycle over a road he had only once traversed, +clad in his emblazoned socks and blue-lapelled coat, appeared rather +less entertaining than another night's confinement. So he lit his +last cigar, threw himself on the bed, and resigned himself to the +consolations of an innocent heart and a practical philosophy. + + + +CHAPTER XXXII + +The clearness of the Count's conscience may be gauged when it is +narrated that no sooner had he dismissed the stump of his cigar toward +the grate than he dropped into a peaceful doze and remained placidly +unconscious of his perils for the space of an hour or more. He was then +awakened by the sound of a key being gently turned, and his opening eyes +rested upon a charming vision of Julia Wallingford framed in the outline +of the door. + +“Hush!” she whispered; “I--I have brought a note for you!” + +Smoothing his hair as he met her, the Count thanked her with an air of +considerable feeling, and took from her hand a twisted slip of paper. + +“It was brought by a messenger--a man in a kilt, who came in a motor +car. I didn't know whether father would let you have it, so I brought it +up myself.” + +“Is the messenger waiting?” + +“No; he went straight off again.” + +Unrolling the scrap he read this brief message scrawled in pencil and +evidently in dire haste-- + + +“All is lost! I am prisoner! Go straightway to London for help from my +Embassy. + +“R. VON B.” + + +“Good heavens!” he exclaimed aloud. + +“Is it bad news?” asked Julia, with a solicitude that instantly +suggested possibilities to his fertile brain. + +“Horribly!” he said. “It tells of a calamity that has befallen a very +dear friend of mine! Oh, Rudolph, Rudolph! And I a helpless prisoner!” + +As he anticipated, this outburst of emotion was not without its effect. + +“I am so sorry!” she said. “I--I don't believe, Count Bunker, you are as +guilty as father says!” + +“I swear to you I am not!” + +“Can I--help you?” + +He thought swiftly. + +“Is there any one about the house just now?” + +“Oh yes; the keeper is stationed in the hall!” + +“Miss Wallingford, if you would atone for a deep injury which you have +inadvertently done an innocent man, bring me fifty feet of stout rope! +And, I say, see that the door of the bicycle house is left unlocked. +Will you do this?” + +“I--I'll try.” + +A sound on the stairs alarmed her, and with a fleeting smile of sympathy +she was gone and the door locked upon him again. + +Again the time passed slowly by, and he was left to ponder over the +critical nature of the situation as revealed by the luckless Baron's +intelligence. Clearly he must escape to-night, at all hazards. + +“What's that? My rope?” he wondered. + +But it was only the arrival of his dinner, brought as before upon a tray +and set just within the door, as though they feared for the bearer's +life should he venture within reach of this desperate adventurer from +Uruguay. + +“A very large dish for a very small appetite,” he thought, as he bore +his meal over to the bed and drew his chair up before it. + +It looked indeed as though a roasted goose must be beneath the cover. +He raised it, and there, behold! lay a large coil of excellent new rope. +The Count chuckled. + +“Commend me to the heart and the wit of women! What man would ever have +provided so dainty a dish as this? Unless, indeed” (he had the breadth +of mind to add) “it happened to be a charming adventuress who was in +trouble.” + +Drinking the half pint of moderate claret which they had allowed him +to the happiness and prosperity of all true-hearted women, he could not +help regretting that his imprisoned confederate should be so unlikely to +enjoy similar good fortune. + +“He went too far with those two dear girls. A woman deceived as he +has deceived them will never forgive him. They'd stand sentry at +his cell-door sooner than let the poor Baron escape,” he reflected +commiserately, and sighed to think of the disastrous effect this +mishap might have both upon his friend's diplomatic career and domestic +felicity. + +While waiting for the dusk to deepen, and endeavoring to console himself +for the lack of cigars with the poor remedy of cigarettes, he employed +his time profitably in tying a series of double knots upon the line of +rope. Then at last, when he could see the stars bright above the trees +and hear no sound in the house, he pulled his bed softly to the open +window, and to it fastened one end of his rope securely. The other he +quietly let drop, and losing not an instant followed it hand under +hand, murmuring anathemas on the rough wall that so scraped his evening +trousers. + +On tiptoe he stole to the door through which the bicycle had gone. It +yielded to a push, and once inside he ventured to strike a match. + +“By Gad! I've a choice of half a dozen,” he exclaimed. + +It need scarcely be said that he selected the best; and after slitting +with his pocket-knife the tires of all the others, he mounted and +pedalled quietly down the drive. The lodge gates stood open; the road, a +trifle muddy but clear of all traffic, stretched visible for a long way +in the starlight; the breeze blew fair behind him. + +“May Providence guide me to the station,” he prayed, and rode off into +the night. + + + +CHAPTER XXXIII + +Suppose the clock be set back four-and-twenty hours, and behold now the +Baron von Blitzenberg, the diplomatist and premier baron of Bavaria, +engaged in unhappy argument with himself. Unhappy, because his reason, +though so carefully trained from the kindergarten upward, proved unable +to combat the dismal onsets of superstition. + +“Pooh! who cares for an old picture?” Reason would reiterate. + +“It is an omen,” said Superstition simply; and Reason stood convicted as +an empty braggart. + +But if Time be the great healer, Dinner is at least a clever quack, and +when he and old Mr. Rentoul had consumed well-nigh a bottle and a half +of their host's port between them, the outlook became much less gloomy. +A particularly hilarious evening in the drawing-room completed the +triumph of mind over what he was now able to term “jost nonsense,” + and he slept that night as soundly as the Count was simultaneously +slumbering in Sir Justin's bed-room. And there was no unpleasant +awakening in the Baron's case. On the contrary, all nature seemed in a +conspiracy to make the last day of his adventure pleasant. The sun shone +brightly, his razors had an excellent edge, sausages were served for +breakfast, and when he joined the family afterwards he found them as +affectionately kind as a circle of relations. In fact, the Baron had +dropped more than one hint the night before of such a nature that they +had some reason for supposing relationship imminent. It is true Eva was +a little disappointed that the actual words were not yet said, and when +he made an airy reference to paying a farewell call that morning upon +their neighbors at Lincoln Lodge, she exhibited so much disapproval in +her air that he said at once-- + +“Ach, vell, I shall jost go after lonch and be back in an hour and a +half. I jost vish to say good-bye, zat is all.” + +Little guessing how much was to hang upon this postponement, he drove +over after luncheon with a mind entirely reassured. With only an +afternoon to be safely passed, no mishap, he was sure, could possibly +happen now. If indeed the Maddisons chose to be offended with him, why, +then, his call would merely be the briefer and he would recommend Eva +for the post of Lady Tulliwuddle without qualification. It was his +critics who had reason to fear, not he. + +Miss Maddison was at home, the staff of footmen assured him, and, +holding his head as high as a chieftain should, he strode into her +sanctuary. + +“Do I disturb you?” + +He asked this with a quicker beating heart. Not Eleanor alone, but +her father and Ri confronted him, and it was very plain to see that +a tempest was in the brewing. Her eyes were bright with tears and +indignation; their brows heavy with formidable frowns. At the first +moment of his entering, extreme astonishment at seeing him was clearly +their dominant emotion, and as evidently it rapidly developed into a +sentiment even less hospitable. + +“Why, this beats the devil!” ejaculated Mr. Maddison; and for a moment +this was the sole response to his inquiry. + +The next to speak was Ri-- + +“Show it him, Poppa! Confront him with the evidence!” + +With ominous deliberation the millionaire picked up a newspaper from the +floor, where apparently it had been crumpled and flung, smoothed out +the creases, and approached the Baron till their noses were in danger of +collision. While executing this manoeuvre the silence was only broken by +the suppressed sobbing of his daughter. Then at last he spoke. + +“Our mails, sir, have just arrived. This, sir, is 'The Times' newspaper, +published in the city of London yesterday morning.” + +He shook it in the Baron's face with a sudden vehemence that caused that +nobleman to execute an abrupt movement backward. + +“Take it,” continued the millionaire--“take it, sir, and explain this if +you can!” + +So confused had the Baron's mind become already that it was with +difficulty he could decipher the following petrifying announcement-- + +“Tulliwuddle--Herringay.--In London, privately, Lord Tulliwuddle to +Constance, daughter of Robert Herringay.” + +The Baron's brain reeled. + +“Here is another paragraph that may interest you,” pursued Mr. Maddison, +turning the paper outside in with an alarmingly vigorous movement, and +presenting a short paragraph for the Baron's inspection. This ran-- + + “PEER AND ACTRESS. + + +“As announced in our marriage column, the wedding took place yesterday, +privately, of Lord Tulliwuddle, kinsman and heir of the late peer +of that name, so well known in London and Scottish society, and Miss +Constance Herringay, better known as 'Connie Fitz Aubyn,' of the Gaiety +Theatre. It is understood that the young couple have departed for the +Mediterranean.” + +In a few seconds given him to prepare his mind, the Baron desperately +endeavored to imagine what the resourceful Bunker would say or do under +these awful circumstances. + +“Well, sir?” said Mr. Maddison. + +“It is a lie!” + +“A lie?” + +Ri laughed scornfully. + +“Mean to say no such marriage took place?” + +“It vas not me.” + +“Who was it, then?” + +“Anozzer man, perhaps.” + +“Another Lord Tulliwuddle?” inquired the millionaire. + +“Zey have made a mistake mit ze name. Yes, zat is how.” + +“Can it be possible?” cried Eleanor eagerly, her grief for the moment +forgotten. + +“No,” said her father; “it is not possible. The announcement is +confirmed by the paragraph. A mistake is inconceivable.” + +The Baron thought he perceived a brilliant idea. + +“Ach, it is ze ozzer Tollvoddle!” he exclaimed. “So! zat is it, of +course.” + +“You mean to say there is another peerage of Tulliwuddle?” + +“Oh, yes.” + +“Fetch Debrett, Ri!” + +But Ri had already not only fetched Debrett, but found the place. + +“A darned lie. Thought so,” he observed succinctly. + +The luckless diplomatist was now committed to perdition. + +“It is not in ze books,” he exclaimed. “It is bot a baronetcy.” + +“A baronetcy!” + +“And illegitimate also.” + +“Sir,” burst forth Ri, “you are a thundering liar! Is this your marriage +notice?” + +The Baron changed his tactics. + +“Yes!” he declared. + +Eleanor screamed. + +“Don't fuss, Eleanor,” said her father kindly. “That ain't true, anyhow. +Why, the day before yesterday he was throwing that darned hammer.” + +“Which came down last night in our yard with the head burst!” added Ri +contemptuously. “Found you out there too!” + +“Is that so!” exclaimed his father. + +“That is so, sir!” + +The three looked at him, and it was hard to say whether indignation or +contempt was more prominent in their faces. This was more than he could +endure. + +“I vill not be so looked at!” he cried; “I vill leave you!” + +“No you won't!” said Ri. + +And the Baron saw his retreat cut of by the athletic and determined +young man. + +“Before you leave, we have one or two questions to ask you,” said Mr. +Maddison. “Are you Lord Tulliwuddle, or are you not?” + +“Yes!--No!” replied the Baron. + +“Which, sir?” + +Expanding his chest, he made the awe-inspiring announcement-- + +“I am moch greater zan Tollyvoddle! I am ze Baron Rudolph von +Blitzenberg!” + +“Another darned lie!” commented Ri. + +Mr. Maddison laughed sardonically; while Eleanor, with flashing eyes, +now joined in the attack upon the hapless nobleman. + +“You wretched creature! Isn't it enough to have shammed to be one peer +without shamming to be another?” + +“Bot I am! Ja, I swear to you! Can you not see zat I am noble?” + +“Curiously enough we can't,” replied Mr. Maddison. + +But his daughter's scepticism was a little shaken by the fervor of his +assurances. + +“But, Poppa, perhaps he may be a German peer.” + +“German waiter, more likely!” sneered Ri. “What shall we do with him? +Tar and feathers, I guess, would just about suit his complaint.” + +“No, Ri, no,” said his father cautiously. “Remember we are no longer +beneath the banner of freedom. In this benighted country it might lead +into trouble. Guess we can find him accommodation, though, in that +bit of genuine antique above the harness-room. It's fitted with a very +substantial lock. We'll make Dugald M'Culloch responsible for this BARON +till the police take him over.” + +Vain were the Baron's protests; and upon the appearance of Dugald +M'Culloch, fisherman and factotum to the millionaire, accompanied by +three burly satellites, vain, he perceived, would be the most desperate +resistance. He plead the privileges of a foreign diplomatist, threatened +a descent of the German army upon Lincoln Lodge, guaranteed an intimate +acquaintance with the American ambassador--“Who vill make you sorry for +zis!” but all without moving Mr. Maddison's resolution. Even Eleanor +whispered a word for him and was repulsed, for he overheard her father +replying to her-- + +“No, no, Eleanor; no more a diplomatist than you would have been Lady +Tulliwuddle. Guess I know what I'm doing.” + +Whereupon the late Lord Tulliwuddle, kilt and all, was conveyed by a +guard of six tall men and deposited in the bit of genuine antique above +the harness-room. This proved to be a small chamber in a thick-walled +wing of the original house, now part of the back premises; and there, +with his face buried in his hands, the poor prisoner moaned aloud-- + +“Oh, my life, she is geblasted! I am undone! Oh, I am lost!” + +“Will it be so bad as that, indeed?” + +He looked up with a start, and perceived Dugald, his jailor, gazing upon +him with an expression of indescribable sagacity. + +“The master will be sending me with his car to tell the folks at +Hechnahoul,” added Dugald. + +Still the Baron failed to comprehend the exchange of favors suggested by +his jailor's sympathetic voice. + +“Go, zen!” he muttered, and bent his head. + +“You will not be wishing to send no messages to your friends?” + +At last the prisoner understood. For a sovereign Dugald promised to +convey a note to the Count; for five he undertook to bribe the chauffeur +to convey him to The Lash, when he learned where that gentleman was to +be found. And he further decided to be faithful to his trust, since, as +he prudently reflected-- + +“If he will be a real chentleman after all it shall not be well to be +hard with him. And if he will not be, nobody shall know.” + +The Baron felt a trifle less hopeless now, yet so black did the prospect +remain that he firmly believed he should never be able to raise his head +again and meet the gaze of his fellow-men; not at least if he stayed in +that room till the police arrived. + + + +CHAPTER XXXIV + +Not even the news of Flodden brought direr dismay to Hechnahoul than Mr. +Maddison's brief note. Lord Tulliwuddle an impostor? That magnificent +young man a fraud? So much geniality, brawn, and taste for the bagpipes +merely the sheep's clothing that hid a wandering wolf? Incredible! Yet, +on second thoughts, how very much more thrilling than if he had really +been an ordinary peer! And what a judgment on the presumption of Mr. and +Mrs. Gallosh! Hard luck on Eva, of course--but, then, girls who aspire +to marry out of their own station must expect this kind of thing. + +The latter part of this commentary was naturally not that of the +pretender's host and hostess. In the throes of their anger and chagrin +their one consoling reflection was that no friends less tried than Mr. +and Mrs. Rentoul happened to be there to witness their confusion. Yet +other sufferers since Job have found that the oldest friends do not +necessarily of er the most acceptable consolation. + +“Oh, oh! I feel like to die of grief!” wailed poor Mrs. Gallosh. + +“Aye; it's an awful smack in the eye for you,” said Mr. Rentoul sagely. + +“Smack in the eye!” thundered his host. “It's a criminal offence--that's +what it is! It's a damned swindle! It's a----” + +“Oh, hush, hush!” interrupted Mrs. Rentoul in a shocked voice. “What +words for a lady to hear! After all, you must remember you never made +any inquiries.” + +“Inquiries! What for should I be making inquiries about my guests? YOU +never dropped a word of such a thing! Who'd have listened if I had? It +was just Lord Tulliwuddle this and Lord Tulliwuddle that from morning to +night since ever he came to the Castle.” + +“Duncan's so simple-minded,” groaned Mrs. Gallosh. + +“And what were you, I'd like to know? What were you?” retorted her +justly incensed spouse. “Never a word did I hear, but just that he was +such an aristocratic young man, and any one could see he had blue blood +in his veins, and stuff of that kind!” + +“I more than once had my own doubts about that,” said the alcohol expert +with a knowing wink. “There was something about him---- Ah, well, he was +not exactly my own idea of a lord.” + +“YOUR idea?” scoffed his oldest and best of friends. “What do YOU know +of lords, I'd like to know?” + +“Well, well,” answered the sage peaceably, “maybe we've neither of us +had much opportunity of judging of the nobility. It's just more bad luck +than anything else that you should have gone to the expense of setting +up in style in a lord's castle and then having this downcome. If I'd had +similar ambeetions it might have been me.” + +This soft answer was so far from turning away wrath, that Mrs. Rentoul +again felt compelled to stem the tide of her host's eloquence. + +“Oh, hush!” she exclaimed; “I'd have fancied you'd be having no thoughts +beyond your daughter's affliction.” + +“My Eva! my poor Eva! Where is the suffering child?” cried Mrs. Gallosh. +“Duncan, what'll she be doing?” + +“Making a to-do like the rest of the women-folk,” replied her husband, +with rather less sympathy than the occasion seemed to demand. + +In point of fact Eva had disappeared from the company immediately after +hearing the contents of Mr. Maddison's letter, and whatever she had been +doing, it had not been weeping alone, for at that moment she ran into +the room, her face agitated, but rather, it seemed, with excitement than +grief. + +“Papa, lend me five pounds,” she panted. + +“Lend you--five pounds! And what for, I'd like to know?” + +“Don't ask me now. I--I promise to tell you later--some time later.” + +“I'll see myself----! I mean, you're talking nonsense.” + +Eva's lip trembled. + +“Hi, hist! Eva, my dear,” said Mr. Rentoul; “if you're wanting the money +badly, and your papa doesn't see his way----” + +He concluded his sentence with a wink and a dive into his +trousers-pocket, and a minute later Eva had fled from the room again. + +This action of the sage, being at total variance to his ordinary habits +(which indeed erred on the economical side), was attributed by his irate +host--with a certain show of reason--to the mere intention of annoying +him; and the conversation took a more acrimonious turn than ever. In +fact, when Eva returned a few minutes later she was just in time to hear +her father thunder in an infuriated voice-- + +“A German waiter, is he? Aye, that's verra probable, verra probable +indeed. In fact I might have known it when I saw you and him swilling +a bottle and a half of my best port together! Birds of a feather--aye, +aye, exactly!” + +The crushing retort which the sage evidently had ready to heap upon the +fire of this controversy was anticipated by Miss Gallosh. + +“He isn't a German waiter, papa! He is a German BARON--and an +ambassador, too!” + +The four started and stared at her. + +“Where did you learn that?” demanded her father. + +“I've been talking to the man who brought the letter, and he says that +Lord Tulli--I mean the Baron--declares positively that he is a German +nobleman!” + +“Tuts, fiddlesticks!” scoffed her father. + +“Verra like a whale,” pronounced the sage. + +“I wouldn't believe what HE said,” declared Mrs. Gallosh. + +“One can SEE he isn't,” said Mrs. Rentoul. + +“The kind of Baron that plays in a German band, perhaps,” added her +husband, with a whole series of winks to give point to this mot. + +“He's just a scoundrelly adventurer!” shouted Mr. Gallosh. + +“I hope he'll get penal servitude, that's what I hope,” said his wife +with a sob. + +“And, judging from his appearance, that'll be no new experience for +him,” commented the sage. + +So remarkably had their judgment of the late Lord Tulliwuddle waxed in +discrimination. And, strange to say, his only defender was the lady he +had injured most. + +“I still believe him a gentleman!” she cried, and swept tearfully from +the room. + + + +CHAPTER XXXV + +While his late worshippers were trampling his memory in the mire, the +Baron von Blitzenberg, deserted and dejected, his face still buried in +his hands, endured the slow passage of the doleful afternoon. Unlike the +prisoner at The Lash, who, by a coincidence that happily illustrates +the dispensations of Providence, was undergoing at the same moment an +identical ordeal, the Baron had no optimistic, whimsical philosophy to +fall back upon. Instead, he had a most tender sense of personal dignity +that had been egregiously outraged--and also a wife. Indeed, the thought +of Alicia and of Alicia's parent was alone enough to keep his head bowed +down. + +“Ach, zey most not know,” he muttered. “I shall give moch +money--hondreds of pound--not to let zem find out. Oh, what for fool +have I been!” + +So deeply was he plunged in these sorrowful meditations, and so +constantly were they concerned with the two ladies whose feelings he +wished to spare, that when a hum of voices reached his ear, one of them +strangely--even ominously--familiar, he only thought at first that his +imagination had grown morbidly vivid. To dispel the unpleasant fancies +suggested by this imagined voice, he raised his head, and then the next +instant bounded from his chair. + +“Mein Gott!” he muttered, “it is she.” + +Too thunderstruck to move, he saw his prison door open, and there, +behold! stood the Countess of Grillyer, a terrible look upon her +high-born features, a Darius at either shoulder. In silence they +surveyed one another, and it was Mr. Maddison who spoke first. + +“Guess this is a friend of yours,” he observed. + +One thought and one only filled the prisoner's mind--she must leave him, +and immediately. + +“No, no; I do not know her!” he cried. + +“You do not know me?” repeated the Countess in a voice rich in promise. + +“Certainly I do not.” + +“She knows you all right,” said the millionaire. + +“Says she does,” put in Ri in a lower voice; “but I wouldn't lay much +money on her word either.” + +“Rudolph! You pretend you do not know me?” cried the Countess between +wrath and bewilderment. + +“I never did ever see sochlike a voman before,” reiterated the Baron. + +“What do you say to that, ma'am?” inquired Mr. Maddison. + +“I say--I blush to say--that this wretched young man is my son-in-law,” + declared the Countess. + +As she had come to the house inquiring merely for Lord Tulliwuddle, and +been conducted straight to the prisoner's cell, the stupefying effect of +this announcement may readily be conceived. + +“What!” ejaculated the Dariuses. + +“It is not true! She is mad! Take her avay, please!” shouted the Baron, +now desperate in his resolution to say or do anything, so long as he got +rid of his formidable relative. + +The Countess staggered back. + +“Is he demented?” she inquired. + +“Say, ma'am,” put in Ri, “are you the mother of Miss Constance +Herringay?” + +“Of----? I am Lady Grillyer!” + +“See here, my good lady, that's going a little too far,” said the +millionaire not unkindly. “This friend of yours here first calls himself +Lord Tulliwuddle, and then the Baron von something or other. Well, now, +that's two of the aristocracy in this under-sized apartment already. +There's hardly room for a third--see? Can't you be plain Mrs. Smith for +a change?” + +The Countess tottered. + +“Fellow!” she said in a faint voice, “I--I do not understand you.” + +“Thought that would fetch her down,” commented Ri. + +“Lead her back to ze train and make her go to London!” pleaded the Baron +earnestly. + +“You stick to it, you don't know her?” asked Mr. Maddison shrewdly. + +“No, no, I do not!” + +“Is her name Lady Grillyer?” + +“Not more zan it is mine!” + +“Rudolph!” gasped the Countess inarticulately. “He is--he WAS my son!” + +“Stoff and nonsense!” roared the Baron. “Remove her!--I am tired.” + +“Well,” said Mr. Maddison, “I guess I don't much believe either of you; +but whether you know each other or not, you make such a remarkably fine +couple that I reckon you'd better get acquainted now. Come, Ri.” + +And before either Countess or Baron could interpose, their captors +had slipped out, the key was turned, and they were left to the dual +enjoyment of the antique apartment. + +“Teufel!” shouted the Baron, kicking the door frantically. “Open him, +open him! I vill pay you a hondred pound! Goddam! Open!” + +But only the gasps of the Countess answered him. + +It is generally conceded that if you want to see the full depths of +brutality latent in man, you must thoroughly frighten him first. This +condition the Countess of Grillyer had exactly succeeded in fulfilling, +with the consequence that the Baron, hitherto the most complacent and +amiable of sons-in-law, seemed ambitious of rivalling the Turk. When he +perceived that no answer to his appeals was forthcoming, dark despair +for a moment overcame him. Then the fiendishly ingenious idea struck +him--might not a woman's screams accomplish what his own lungs were +unable to effect? Turning an inflamed and frowning countenance upon +the lady who had intrusted her daughter's happiness to his hands, he +addressed her in a deep hissing voice-- + +“Shcream, shcream, voman! Shcream loudly, or I vill knock you!” + +But the Countess was made of stern stuff. Outraged and frightened though +she was, she yet retorted huskily-- + +“I will not scream, Rudolph! I--I demand an explanation first!” + +Executing a step of the sword-dance within a yard of her, he reiterated + +“Shcream so zat zey may come back!” + +She blinked, but held her ground. + +“I insist upon knowing what you mean, Rudolph! I insist upon your +telling me! What are you doing here in that preposterous kilt?” + +The Baron's wits brightened with the acuteness of the emergency. + +“Ha!” he cried, “I vill take my kilt off--take him off before your eyes +this instant if you do not shcream!” + +But she merely closed her eyes. + +“If you dare! If you dare, Rudolph, I shall inform your Emperor! And I +will not look! I cannot see you!” + +Whether in deference to imperial prejudices, or because a kiltless man +would be thrown away upon a lady who refused to look at him, the Baron +regretfully desisted from this project. At his wits' end, he besought +her-- + +“Make zem take you avay, so zat you vill be safe from my rage! I do not +trost myself mit you. I am so violent as a bull! Better zat you should +go; far better--do you not see?” + +“No, Rudolph, no!” replied the adamant lady. “I have come to guard you +against your own abandoned nature, and I shall only leave this room when +you do!” + +She sat down and faced him, palpitating, but immovable; and against such +obstinacy the unhappy Rudolph gave up the contest in despair. + +“But I shall not talk mit her; oh, Himmel, nein!” he said to himself; +and in pursuance of this policy sat with his back turned to her while +the shadows of evening gradually filled the room. In vain did she +address him: he neither answered nor moved. Indeed, to discourage her +still further, he even summoned up a forced gaiety of demeanor, and in +a low rumble of discords sang to himself the least respectable songs he +knew. + +“His mind is certainly deranged,” thought the Countess. “I must not let +him out of my sight. Ah, poor Alicia!” + +But in time, when the dusk was thickening so fast that her son-in-law's +broad back had already grown indistinct of outline, and no voice or +footstep had come near their prison, her thoughts began to wander +from his case to her own. The outrageous conduct of those Americans in +discrediting her word and incarcerating her person, though overshadowed +at the time by the yet greater atrocity of the Baron's behavior, now +loomed up in formidable proportions. And the gravity of their offence +was emphasized by an unpleasant sensation she now began to experience +with considerable acuteness. + +“Do they mean to starve us as well as insult us?” she wondered. + +The Baron's thoughts also seemed to have drifted into a different +channel. He no longer sang; he fidgeted in his chair; he even softly +groaned; and at last he actually changed his attitude so far as to +survey the dim form of his mother-in-law over one shoulder. + +“Oh, ze devil!” he exclaimed aloud. “I am so hongry!” + +“That is no reason why you should also be profane,” said the Countess +severely. + +“I did not speak to you,” retorted the Baron, and again a constrained +silence fell on the room. + +The Baron was the first to break it. + +“Ha!” he cried. “I hear a step.” + +“Thank God!” exclaimed the Countess devoutly. + +In the blaze of a stable lantern there entered to them Dugald M'Culloch, +jailor. + +“Will you be for any supper?” he inquired, with a politeness he felt due +to prisoners with purses. + +“I do starve!” replied the Baron. + +“And I am nearly fainting!” cried the Countess. + +Both rose with an alacrity astonishing in people so nearly exhausted, +and made as though they would pass out. With a deprecatory gesture +Dugald arrested them. + +“I will bring your supper fery soon,” said he. + +“Here?” gasped the Countess. + +“It is the master's orders.” + +“Tell him I vill have him ponished mit ze law, if he does not let me +come out!” roared the Baron. + +Their jailor was courtesy itself; but it was in their prison that they +supped--a silent meal, and very plain. And, bitterest pill of all, they +were further informed that in their prison they must pass the night. + +“In ze same room!” cried the Baron frantically. “Impossible! Improper!” + +Even his mother-in-law's solicitude shrank from this vigil; but with +unruffled consideration for their comfort their guardian and his +assistants made up two beds forthwith. The Baron, subdued to a fierce +and snarling moodiness, watched their preparations with a lurid eye. + +“Put not zat bed so near ze door,” he snapped. + +In his ear his jailor whispered, “That one's for you, sir, and dinna put +off your clothes!” + +The Baron started, and from that moment his air of resignation began to +affront the Countess as deeply as his previous violence. When they were +again alone, stretched in black darkness each upon their couch, she +lifted up her voice in a last word of protest-- + +“Rudolph! have you no single feeling for me left? Why didn't you stab +that man?” + +But the Baron merely retorted with a lifelike affectation of snoring. + + + +CHAPTER XXXVI + +For a long time the Baron lay wide awake, every sense alert, listening +for the creak of a footstep on the wooden stair that led up from the +harness-room to his prison. What else could the strange words of Dugald +have meant, save that some friend proposed to climb those stairs +and gently open that stubborn door? And in this opinion he had been +confirmed when he observed that on Dugald's departure the key turned +with a silence suggesting a recently oiled lock. His bed lay along the +wall, with the head so close to the door that any one opening it and +stretching forth a hand could tweak him by the nose without an effort +(supposing that were the object of their visit). Clearly, he thought, it +was not thus arranged without some very special purpose. Yet when hour +after hour passed and nothing happened, he began to sleep fitfully, +and at last, worn out with fruitless waiting, dropped into a profound +slumber. + +He was in the midst of a harassing dream or drama, wherein Bunker and +Eva played an incoherent part and he himself passed wearily from peril +to peril, when the stage suddenly was cleared, his eyes started open, +and he became wakefully conscious of a little ray of light that fell +upon his face. Before he could raise his head a soft voice whispered +urgently, + +“Don't move!” + +With admirable self-control he obeyed implicitly. + +“Who is zere?” he whispered back. + +The voice seemed for a moment to hesitate, and then answered-- + +“Eleanor Maddison!” + +He started so audibly that again she breathed peremptorily-- + +“Hush! Lie still till I come back. You--you don't deserve it, but I want +to save you from the disgrace of arrest.” + +“Ach, zank you--mine better angel!” he murmured, with a fervor that +seemed not unpleasing to his rescuer. + +“You really are a nobleman in trouble?” + +“I swear I am!” + +“And didn't mean anything really wrong?” + +“Never--oh, never!” + +More kindly than before she murmured-- + +“Well, I guess I'll take you out, then. I've bribed Dugald, so that's +all right. When my car's ready I'll send him up for you. You just lie +still till he comes.” + +From which it appears that Count Bunker's appreciation of the sex fell +short of their meed. + +Hardly daring to breathe for fear of awakening his fellow-prisoner, +trembling with agitation, and consumed by a mad impatience for action, +the Baron passed five of the longest minutes he had ever endured. At +the end of that time he heard a stealthy step upon the stairs, and with +infinite precautions threw off his bedclothes and sat upright, ready +for instant departure. But how slowly and with what a superfluity of +precaution his jailor moved! When the door at length opened he wondered +that no ray of light fell this time. + +“Dugald!” he whispered eagerly. + +“Hush!” replied a softer voice than Dugald's; as soft, indeed, as +Eleanor's, yet clearly different. + +“Who is zat?” he gasped. + +“Eva Gallosh!” said the silken voice. “Oh, is that you?” + +“Yes--yes--it is me.” + +“And are you really a Baron and an ambassador?” + +“Oh yes--yes--certainly I am.” + +“Then--then I've come to help you to escape! I've bribed Dugald--and +I've got a dog-cart here. Come quickly--but oh, be very quiet!” + +For a moment the Baron actually hesitated to flee from that loathed +apartment. It seemed to him that if Fortune desired to provide him with +opportunities of escape she might have had the sense to offer these one +at a time. For how could he tell which of these overtures to close with? +A wrong decision might be fatal; yet time unquestionably pressed. + +“Mein Gott!” he muttered irresolutely, “vich shall I do?” + +At that moment the other bed creaked, and, to his infinite horror, he +heard a suspicious voice demand-- + +“Is that you talking, Rudolph?” + +Poor Eva, who was quite unaware of the presence of another prisoner, +uttered a stifled shriek; with a cry of “Fly, quickly!” the Baron leaped +from his bed, and headlong down the wooden stairs they clattered for +freedom. + +A dim vision of the thrice-bribed Dugald, screeching, “The car's ready +for ye, sir!” but increased their speed. + +Outside, a motor car stood panting by the door, and in the youthful +driver, turning a pale face toward them in the lamp's radiance, the +Baron had just time to recognize his first fair deliverer. + +“Good-bye!” he whispered to his second, and flung himself in. + +Some one followed him; the door was slammed, and with a mighty throbbing +they began to move. + +“Rudolph! Rudolph!” wailed a voice behind them. + +“Zank ze goodness SHE is not here!” exclaimed the Baron. + +“Whisht! whisht!” he could hear Dugald expostulate. + +With a violent start he turned to the fellow-passenger who had followed +him in. + +“Are you not Dugald?” he demanded hoarsely. + +“No--it's--it's me! I dursn't wait for my dog-cart!” + +“Eva!” he murmured. “Oh, Himmel! Vat shall I do?” + +Only a screen of glass separated his two rescuers, and the one had +but to turn her head and look inside, or the other to study with any +attention the roll of hair beneath their driver's cap, in order to lead +to most embarrassing consequences. Not that it was his fault he should +receive such universal sympathy: but would these charming ladies admit +his innocence? + +“How thoughtful of Dugald to have this car----” began Eva. + +“Hush!” he muttered hoarsely. “Yes, it was thoughtful, but you most not +speak too loudly.” + +“For fear----?” she smiled, and turned her eyes instinctively toward +their driver. + +“Excuse me,” he muttered, sweeping her as gently as possible from her +seat and placing her upon the floor. + +“It vill not do for zem to see you,” he explained in a whisper. + +“How awful a position,” he reflected. “Oh, I hope it may still be dark +ven we get to ze station.” + +But with rising concern he presently perceived that the telegraph posts +along the roadside were certainly grown plainer already; he could even +see the two thin wires against a paling sky; the road behind was visible +for half a mile; the hill-tops might no longer be confounded with the +clouds-day indubitably was breaking. Also he recollected that to go +from Lincoln Lodge to Torrydhulish Station one had to make a vast detour +round half the loch; and, further, began to suspect that though Miss +Maddison's driving was beyond reproach her knowledge of topography was +scarcely so dependable. In point of fact she increased the distance by +at least a third, and all the while day was breaking more fatally clear. + +To discourage Miss Gallosh's efforts at conversation, yet keep her +sitting contentedly upon the floor; to appear asleep whenever Miss +Maddison turned her head and threw a glance inside, and to devise some +adequate explanation against the inevitable discovery at the end of +their drive, provided him with employment worthy of a diplomatist's +steel. But now, at last, they were within sight of railway signals and +a long embankment; and over a pine wood a stream of smoke moved with a +swelling roar. Then into plain view broke the engine and carriage after +carriage racing behind. Regardless of risk, he leaped from his seat and +flung up the window, crying-- + +“Ach, look! Ve shall be late!” + +“That train is going north,” said Eleanor. “Guess we've half an hour +good before yours comes in.” + +So little can mortals read the stars that he heaved a sigh of relief, +and even murmured-- + +“Ve have timed him very luckily!” + +Ten minutes later they descended the hill to Torrydhulish Station. The +north-going train had paid its brief call and vanished nearly from sight +again; no one seemed to be moving about the station, and the Baron told +himself that nothing worse remained than the exercise of a little tact +in parting with his deliverers. + +“Ach! I shall carry it off gaily,” he thought, and leaping lightly to +the ground, exclaimed with a genial air, as he gave his hand to Eva. + +“Vell! Now have I a leetle surprise for you, ladies!” + +Nor did he at all exaggerate their sensation. + +“Miss Maddison!” + +Alas, that it should be so far beyond the power of mere inky words to +express all that was implied in Eva's accents! + +“Miss Gallosh!” + +Nor is it less impossible to supply the significance of Eleanor's +intonation. + +“Ladies, ladies!” he implored, “do not, I pray you, misunderstand! I vas +not responsible--I could not help it. You both VOULD come mit me! No, +no, do not look so at me! I mean not zat--I mean I could not do vizout +both of you. Ach, Himmel! Vat do I say? I should say zat--zat----” + +He broke off with a start of apprehension. + +“Look! Zere comes a man mit a bicycle! Zis is too public! Come mit me +into ze station and I shall eggsplain! He waves his fist! Come! you +vould not be seen here?” + +He offered one arm to Eva, the other to Eleanor; and so alarming were +the gesticulations of the approaching cyclist, and so beseeching the +Baron's tones, that without more ado they clung to him and hurried on to +the platform. + +“Come to ze vaiting-room!” he whispered. “Zere shall ve be safe!” + +Alack for the luck of the Baron von Blitzenberg! Out of the very door +they were approaching stepped a solitary lady, sole passenger from the +south train, and at the sight of those three, linked arm in arm, she +staggered back and uttered a cry more piercing than the engine's distant +whistle. + +“Rudolph!” cried this lady. + +“Alicia!” gasped the Baron. + +His rescuers said nothing, but clung to him the more tightly, while in +the Baroness's startled eyes a harder light began to blaze. + +“Who are these, Rudolph?” + +He cleared his throat, but the process seemed to take some time, and in +the meanwhile he felt the grip of his deliverers relax. + +“Who is that lady?” demanded Eleanor. + +“His wife,” replied the Baroness. + +The Baron felt his arms freed now; but still his Alicia waited an +answer. It came at last, but not from the Baron's lips. + +“Well, here you all are!” said a cheerful voice behind them. + + + +CHAPTER XXXVII + +They turned as though they expected to see an apparition. Nor was the +appearance of the speaker calculated to disappoint such expectations. +Their startled eyes beheld indeed the most remarkable figure that +had ever wheeled a bicycle down the platform of Torrydhulish Station. +Hatless, in evening clothes with blue lapels upon the coat, splashed +liberally with mud, his feet equipped only with embroidered socks and +saturated pumps, his shirt-front bestarred with souvenirs of all the +soils for thirty miles, Count Bunker made a picture that lived long in +their memories. Yet no foolish consciousness of his plight disturbed him +as he addressed the Baron. + +“Thank you, Baron, for escorting my fair friends so far. I shall now +take them off your hands.” + +He smiled with pleasant familiarity upon the two astonished girls, and +then started as though for the first time he recognized the Baroness. + +“Baroness!” he cried, bowing profoundly, “this is a very unexpected +pleasure! You came by the early train, I presume? A tiresome journey, +isn't it?” + +But bewilderment and suspicion were all that he could read in reply. + +“What--what are YOU doing here?” + +He was not in the least disconcerted. + +“Meeting my cousins” (he indicated the Misses Gallosh and Maddison with +an amiable glance), “whom the Baron has been kind enough to look after +till my arrival.” + +Audaciously approaching more closely, he added, in a voice intended for +her ear and the Baron's alone-- + +“I must throw myself, I see, upon your mercy, and ask you not to tell +any tales out of school. Cousins, you know, don't always want their +meetings advertised--do they, Baron?” + +Alicia's eyes softened a little. + +“Then, they are really your----” + +“Call 'em cousins, please! I have your pledge that you won't tell? Ah, +Baron, your charming wife and I understand one another.” + +Then raising his voice for the benefit of the company generally-- + +“Well, you two will want to have a little talk in the waiting-room, I've +no doubt. We shall pace the platform. Very fit Rudolph's looking, isn't +he, Baroness? You've no idea how his lungs have strengthened.” + +“His lungs!” exclaimed the Baroness in a changed voice. + +Giving the Baron a wink to indicate that there lay the ace of trumps, he +answered reassuringly-- + +“When you learn how he has improved you'll forgive me, I'm sure, for +taking him on this little trip. Well, see you somewhere down the line, +no doubt--I'm going by the same train.” + +He watched them pass into the waiting-room, and then turned an altered +face to the two dumbfounded girls. It was expressive now solely of +sympathy and contrition. + +“Let us walk a little this way,” he began, and thus having removed them +safely from earshot of the waiting-room door, he addressed himself to +the severest part of his task. + +“My dear girls, I owe you I don't know how many apologies for presuming +to claim you as my friends. The acuteness of the emergency is my only +excuse, and I throw myself most contritely upon your mercy!” + +This second projection of himself upon a lady's mercy proved as +successful as the first. + +“Well,” said Eleanor slowly, “I guess maybe we can forgive you for that; +but what I want to know is--what's happened?--who's who?--and where just +exactly are we?” + +“That's just what I want to know too,” added Eva sadly. + +Indeed, they both had a hint of tears in their eyes, and in their +voices. + +“What has happened,” replied the Count, “is that a couple of thoughtless +masqueraders came up here to play a little joke, and succeeded in +getting themselves into a scrape. For your share in getting us out of it +we cannot feel too grateful.” + +“But, who is----?” the girls began together, and then stopped, with a +rise of color and a suspicion of displeasure in their interchange of +eyes. + +“Who is who? Well, my friend is the Baron von Blitzenberg; and the lady +is, as she stated, his wife.” + +“Then all this time----” began Eva. + +“He was married!” Eleanor finished for her. “Oh, the heartless +scoundrel! To think that I rescued him!” + +“I wouldn't have either!” said Eva; “I mean if--if I had known he +treated you so badly.” + +“Treated ME! I was only thinking of YOU, Miss Gallosh!” + +“Dear ladies!” interposed the Count with his ready tact, “remember his +excuse.” + +“His excuse?” + +“The beauty, the charm, the wit of the lady who took by storm a heart +not easily captured! He himself, poor fellow, thought it love-proof; but +he had not then met HER. Think mercifully of him!” + +He was so careful to give no indication which of the rival belles +was “her,” that each was able to take to herself a certain mournful +consolation. + +“That wasn't MUCH excuse,” said Eleanor, yet with a less vindictive air. + +“Certainly not VERY much,” murmured Eva. + +“He ought to have thought of the pain he was giving HER,” added Eleanor. + +“Yes,” said Eva. “Indeed he ought!” + +“Yes, that is true,” allowed the Count; “but remember his punishment! To +be married already now proves to be less his fault than his misfortune.” + +By this time he had insidiously led them back to their car. + +“And must you return at once?” he exclaimed. + +“We had better,” said Eleanor, with a suspicion of a sigh. “Miss +Gallosh, I'll drive you home first.” + +“You're too kind, Miss Maddison.” + +“Oh, no!” + +The Count assisted them in, greatly pleased to see this amicable spirit. +Then shaking hands heartily with each, he said-- + +“I can speak for my friend with conviction, because my own regard for +the lady in question is as deep and as sincere as his. Believe me, I +shall never forget her!” + +He was rewarded with two of the kindest smiles ever bestowed upon him, +and as they drove away each secretly wondered why she had previously +preferred the Baron to the Count. It seemed a singular folly. + +“Two deuced nice girls,” mused he; “I do believe I told 'em the truth in +every particular!” + +He watched their car dwindle to a scurrying speck, and then strolled +back thoughtfully to purchase his ticket. + +He found the signals down, and the far-off clatter of the train +distinctly audible through the early morning air. A few minutes more and +he was stepping into a first-class compartment, his remarkable costume +earning (he could not but observe) the pronounced attention of the +guard. The Baron and Alicia, with an air of mutual affection, entered +another; both the doors were closed, everything seemed ready, yet the +train lingered. + +“Start ze train! Start ze train! I vill give you a pound--two +pound--tree pound, to start him!” + +The Count leaped up and thrust his head through the window. + +“What the dickens----!” thought he. + +Hanging out of the other window he beheld the clamant Baron urging the +guard with frenzied entreaty. + +“But they're wanting to go by the train, sir,” said the guard. + +“No, no. Zey do not! It is a mistake! Start him!” + +Following their gaze he saw, racing toward them, the cause of their +delay. It was a motor car, yet not the same that had so lately departed. +In this were seated a young man and an elderly lady, both waving to +hold back the train; and to his vast amazement he recognized in the man +Darius Maddison, junior, in the lady the Countess of Grillyer. + +The car stopped, the occupants alighted, and the Countess, supported on +the strong arm of Ri, scuttled down the platform. + +“Bonker, take her in mit you!” groaned the Baron, and his head vanished +from the Count's sight. + +Even this ordeal was not too much for Bunker's fidelity. + +“Madam, there is room here!” he announced politely, as they swept past; +but with set faces they panted toward the doomed von Blitzenberg. + +All of the tragedy that the Count, with strained neck, could see or +overhear, was a vision of the Countess being pushed by the guard and her +escort into that first-class compartment whence so lately the Baron's +crimson visage had protruded, and the voice of Ri stridently declaring-- + +“Guess you'll recognize your momma this time, Baron!” + +A whistle from the guard, another from the engine, and they were off, +clattering southward in the first of the morning sunshine. + +Inadequately attired, damp, hungry, and divorced from tobacco as the +Count was, he yet could say to himself with the sincerest honesty, + +“I wouldn't change carriages with the Baron von Blitzenberg--not even +for a pair of dry socks and a cigar! Alas, poor Rudolph! May this teach +all young men a lesson in sobriety of conduct!” + +For which moral reflection the historian feels it incumbent upon him, +as a philosopher and serious psychologist, to express his conscientious +admiration. + + + +EPILOGUE + +IT was an evening in early August, luminous and warm; the scene, a +certain club now emptied of all but a sprinkling of its members; the +festival, dinner; and the persons of the play, that gentleman lately +known as Count Bunker and his friend the Baron von Blitzenberg. The +Count was habited in tweeds; the Baron in evening dress. + +“It vas good of you to come up to town jost to see me,” said the Baron. + +“I'd have crossed Europe, Baron!” + +The Baron smiled faintly. Evidently he was scarcely in his most florid +humor. + +“I vish I could have asked you to my club, Bonker.” + +“Are you dissatisfied with mine?” + +“Oh, no, no! But---- vell, ze fact is, it vould be reported by some one +if I took you to ze Regents. Bonker, she does have me watched!” + +“The Baroness?” + +“Her mozzer.” + +“The deuce, Baron!” + +The diplomatist gloomily sipped his wine. + +“You did hush it all up, eh?” he inquired presently. + +“Completely.” + +“Zank you. I vas so afraid of some scandal!” + +“So were they; that's where I had 'em.” + +“Did zey write in moch anger?” + +“No--not very much; rather nice letters, in fact.” + +The Baron began to cheer up. + +“Ach, so! Vas zere any news of--ze Galloshes?” + +“Yes, they seem very well. Old Rentoul has caught a salmon. Gallosh +hopes to get a fair bag----” + +“Bot did zey say nozing about--about Miss Eva?” + +“The letter was written by her, you see.” + +“SHE wrote to YOU! Strange!” + +“Very odd, isn't it?” + +The Baron meditated for a minute and then inquired-- + +“Vat of ze Maddisons?” + +“Well, I gather that Mr. Maddison is erecting an ibis house in +connection with the aviary. Ri has gone to Kamchatka, but hopes to be +back by the 12th----” + +“And Eleanor--no vord of her?” + +“It was she who wrote, don't you know.” + +“Eleanor--and also to you! Bot vy should she?” + +“Can't imagine; can you?” + +The Baron shook his head solemnly. “No, Bonker, I cannot.” + +For some moments he pondered over the remarkable conduct of these +ladies; and then-- + +“Did you also hear of ze Wallingfords?” he asked. + +“I had a short note from them.” + +“From him, or----” + +“Her.” + +“So! Humph, zey all seem fond of writing letters.” + +“Why--have you had any too?” + +“No; and I do not vant zem.” + +Yet his immunity did not appear to exhilarate the diplomatist. + +“Another bottle of the same,” said Bunker aside to the waiter. + +. . . . . . + + +It was an hour later; the scene and the personages the same, but the +atmosphere marvellously altered. + +“To ze ladies, Bonker!” + +“To HER, Baron!” + +“To zem both!” + +The genial heart, the magnanimous soul of Rudolph von Blitzenberg had +asserted their dominion again. Depression, jealousy, repentance, qualms, +and all other shackles of the spirit whatsoever, had fled discomfited. +Now at last he saw his late exploits in their true heroic proportions, +and realized his marvellous good fortune in satisfying his aspirations +so gloriously. Raising his glass once more, he cried-- + +“Dear Bonker, my heart he does go out to you! Ach, you have given me +soch a treat. Vunce more I schmell ze mountain dew--I hear ze pipes--I +gaze into loffly eyes--I am ze noblest part of mineself! Bonker, I +vill defy ze mozzer of my wife! I drink to you, my friend, mit +hip--hip--hip--hooray!” + +“You have more than repaid me,” replied the Count, “by the spectacle +you have provided. Dear Baron, it was a panorama calculated to convert a +continent!” + +“To vat should it convert him?” inquired the Baron with interest. + +“To a creed even merrier than Socialism, more convivial than +Total Abstinence, and more perfectly designed for human needs than +Esperanto--the gospel of 'Cheer up.'” + +“Sheerup?” repeated the Baron, whose acquaintance with the English +words used in commerce and war was singularly intimate, but who was +occasionally at fault with terms of less portentous import. + +“A name given to the bridge that crosses the Slough of Despond,” + explained the Count. + +The Baron still seemed puzzled. “I am not any wiser,” said he. + +“Never cease thanking Heaven for that!” cried Bunker fervently. “The +man who once dubs himself wise is the jest of gods and the plague of +mortals.” + +With this handsome tribute to the character and attainments of one of +these heroes, and the Baronial roar that congratulated the other, our +chronicle may fittingly leave them; since the mutual admiration of +two such catholic critics is surely more significant than the colder +approval of a mere historian. + + + + + +End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Count Bunker, by J. 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Thus, we do not necessarily +keep eBooks in compliance with any particular paper edition. + + +Most people start at our Web site which has the main PG search facility: + + http://www.gutenberg.org + +This Web site includes information about Project Gutenberg-tm, +including how to make donations to the Project Gutenberg Literary +Archive Foundation, how to help produce our new eBooks, and how to +subscribe to our email newsletter to hear about new eBooks. diff --git a/1613-0.zip b/1613-0.zip Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..07cea2a --- /dev/null +++ b/1613-0.zip diff --git a/1613-h.zip b/1613-h.zip Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..0cb3e42 --- /dev/null +++ b/1613-h.zip diff --git a/1613-h/1613-h.htm b/1613-h/1613-h.htm new file mode 100644 index 0000000..41dbb34 --- /dev/null +++ b/1613-h/1613-h.htm @@ -0,0 +1,11443 @@ +<?xml version="1.0" encoding="utf-8"?> + +<!DOCTYPE html + PUBLIC "-//W3C//DTD XHTML 1.0 Strict//EN" + "http://www.w3.org/TR/xhtml1/DTD/xhtml1-strict.dtd" > + +<html xmlns="http://www.w3.org/1999/xhtml" lang="en"> + <head> + <title> + Count Bunker, by J. Storer Clouston + </title> + <style type="text/css" xml:space="preserve"> + + body { margin:5%; background:#faebd0; text-align:justify} + P { text-indent: 1em; margin-top: .25em; margin-bottom: .25em; } + H1,H2,H3,H4,H5,H6 { text-align: center; margin-left: 15%; margin-right: 15%; } + hr { width: 50%; text-align: center;} + .foot { margin-left: 20%; margin-right: 20%; text-align: justify; text-indent: -3em; font-size: 90%; } + blockquote {font-size: 97%; font-style: italic; margin-left: 10%; margin-right: 10%;} + .mynote {background-color: #DDE; color: #000; padding: .5em; margin-left: 10%; margin-right: 10%; font-family: sans-serif; font-size: 95%;} + .toc { margin-left: 10%; margin-bottom: .75em;} + .toc2 { margin-left: 20%;} + div.fig { display:block; margin:0 auto; text-align:center; } + div.middle { margin-left: 20%; margin-right: 20%; text-align: justify; } + .figleft {float: left; margin-left: 0%; margin-right: 1%;} + .figright {float: right; margin-right: 0%; margin-left: 1%;} + .pagenum {display:inline; font-size: 70%; font-style:normal; + margin: 0; padding: 0; position: absolute; right: 1%; + text-align: right;} + pre { font-style: italic; font-size: 90%; margin-left: 10%;} + +</style> + </head> + <body> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + +The Project Gutenberg EBook of Count Bunker, by J. Storer Clouston + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: Count Bunker + Being a Bald yet Veracious Chronicle Containing some Further + Particulars of Two Gentlemen Whose Previous Careers Were + Touched Upon in a Tome Entitled "The Lunatic At Large" + +Author: J. Storer Clouston + +Release Date: September 26, 2008 [EBook #1613] +Last Updated: March 15, 2018 + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: UTF-8 + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK COUNT BUNKER *** + + + + +Produced by Charles Keller, and David Widger + + + + + +</pre> + <p> + <br /><br /> + </p> + <h1> + COUNT BUNKER + </h1> + <h4> + Being A Bald Yet Veracious Chronicle Containing Some Further Particulars + Of Two Gentlemen Whose Previous Careers Were Touched Upon In A Tome + Entitled <br />"The Lunatic At Large” + </h4> + <p> + <br /> + </p> + <h2> + By J. Storer Clouston + </h2> + <p> + <br /> <br /> + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + <br /> <br /> + </p> + <blockquote> + <p class="toc"> + <big><b>CONTENTS</b></big> + </p> + <p> + <br /> <a href="#link2H_4_0001"> <b>COUNT BUNKER</b> </a><br /><br /><br /> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2HCH0001"> CHAPTER I </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2HCH0002"> CHAPTER II </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2HCH0003"> CHAPTER III </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2HCH0004"> CHAPTER IV </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2HCH0005"> CHAPTER V </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2HCH0006"> CHAPTER VI </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2HCH0007"> CHAPTER VII </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2HCH0008"> CHAPTER VIII </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2HCH0009"> CHAPTER IX </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2HCH0010"> CHAPTER X </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2HCH0011"> CHAPTER XI </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2HCH0012"> CHAPTER XII </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2HCH0013"> CHAPTER XIII </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2HCH0014"> CHAPTER XIV </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2HCH0015"> CHAPTER XV </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2HCH0016"> CHAPTER XVI </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2HCH0017"> CHAPTER XVII </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2HCH0018"> CHAPTER XVIII </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2HCH0019"> CHAPTER XIX </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2HCH0020"> CHAPTER XX </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2HCH0021"> CHAPTER XXI </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2HCH0022"> CHAPTER XXII </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2HCH0023"> CHAPTER XXIII </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2HCH0024"> CHAPTER XXIV </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2HCH0025"> CHAPTER XXV </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2HCH0026"> CHAPTER XXVI </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2HCH0027"> CHAPTER XXVII </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2HCH0028"> CHAPTER XXVIII </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2HCH0029"> CHAPTER XXIX </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2HCH0030"> CHAPTER XXX </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2HCH0031"> CHAPTER XXXI </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2HCH0032"> CHAPTER XXXII </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2HCH0033"> CHAPTER XXXIII </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2HCH0034"> CHAPTER XXXIV </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2HCH0035"> CHAPTER XXXV </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2HCH0036"> CHAPTER XXXVI </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2HCH0037"> CHAPTER XXXVII </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_EPIL"> EPILOGUE </a> + </p> + </blockquote> + <p> + <br /> <br /> + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + <br /> <br /> <a name="link2H_4_0001" id="link2H_4_0001"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <h1> + COUNT BUNKER + </h1> + <p> + <a name="link2HCH0001" id="link2HCH0001"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + CHAPTER I + </h2> + <p> + It is only with the politest affectation of interest, as a rule, that + English Society learns the arrival in its midst of an ordinary Continental + nobleman; but the announcement that the Baron Rudolph von Blitzenberg had + been appointed attache to the German embassy at the Court of St. James was + unquestionably received with a certain flutter of excitement. That his + estates were as vast as an average English county, and his ancestry among + the noblest in Europe, would not alone perhaps have arrested the attention + of the paragraphists, since acres and forefathers of foreign extraction + are rightly regarded as conferring at the most a claim merely to + toleration. But in addition to these he possessed a charming English wife, + belonging to one of the most distinguished families in the peerage (the + Grillyers of Monkton-Grillyer), and had further demonstrated his judgment + by purchasing the winner of the last year's Derby, with a view to + improving the horse-flesh of his native land. + </p> + <p> + From a footnote attached to the engraving of the Baron in a Homburg hat + holding the head of the steed in question, which formed the principal + attraction in several print-sellers' windows in Piccadilly, one gathered + that though his faculties had been cultivated and exercised in every + conceivable direction, yet this was his first serious entrance into the + diplomatic world. There was clearly, therefore, something unusual about + the appointment; so that it was rumored, and rightly, that an + international importance was to be attached to the incident, and a + delicate compliment to be perceived in the selection of so popular a link + between the Anglo-Saxon and the Teutonic peoples. Accordingly “Die Wacht + am Rhein” was played by the Guards' band down the entire length of Ebury + Street, photographs of the Baroness appeared in all the leading + periodicals, and Society, after its own less demonstrative but equally + sincere fashion, prepared to welcome the distinguished visitors. + </p> + <p> + They arrived in town upon a delightful day in July, somewhat late in the + London season, to be sure, yet not too late to be inundated with a + snowstorm of cards and invitations to all the smartest functions that + remained. For the first few weeks, at least, you would suppose the Baron + to have no time for thought beyond official receptions and unofficial + dinners; yet as he looked from his drawing-room windows into the gardens + of Belgrave Square upon the second afternoon since they had settled into + this great mansion, it was not upon such functions that his fancy ran. + Nobody was more fond of gaiety, nobody more appreciative of purple and + fine linen, than the Baron von Blitzenberg; but as he mused there he began + to recall more and more vividly, and with an ever rising pleasure, quite + different memories of life in London. Then by easy stages regret began to + cloud this reminiscent satisfaction, until at last he sighed— + </p> + <p> + “Ach, my dear London! How moch should I enjoy you if I were free!” + </p> + <p> + For the benefit of those who do not know the Baron either personally or by + repute, he may briefly be described as an admirably typical Teuton. When + he first visited England (some five years previously) he stood for + Bavarian manhood in the flower; now, you behold the fruit. As + magnificently mustached, as ruddy of skin, his eye as genial, and his + impulses as hearty; he added to-day to these two more stone of Teutonic + excellences incarnate. + </p> + <p> + In his ingenuous glance, as in the more rounded contour of his waistcoat, + you could see at once that fate had dealt kindly with him. Indeed, to hear + him sigh was so unwonted an occurrence that the Baroness looked up with an + air of mild surprise. + </p> + <p> + “My dear Rudolph,” said she, “you should really open the window. You are + evidently feeling the heat.” + </p> + <p> + “No, not ze heat,” replied the Baron. + </p> + <p> + He did not turn his head towards her, and she looked at him more + anxiously. + </p> + <p> + “What is it, then? I have noticed a something strange about you ever since + we landed at Dover. Tell me, Rudolph!” + </p> + <p> + Thus adjured, he cast a troubled glance in her direction. He saw a face + whose mild blue eyes and undetermined mouth he still swore by as the + standard by which to try all her inferior sisters, and a figure whose + growing embonpoint yearly approached the outline of his ideal hausfrau. + But it was either St. Anthony or one of his fellow-martyrs who observed + that an occasional holiday from the ideal is the condiment in the sauce of + sanctity; and some such reflection perturbed the Baron at this moment. + </p> + <p> + “It is nozing moch,” he answered. + </p> + <p> + “Oh, I know what it is. You have grown so accustomed to seeing the same + people, year after year—the Von Greifners, and Rosenbaums, and all + those. You miss them, don't you? Personally, I think it a very good thing + that you should go abroad and be a diplomatist, and not stay in + Fogelschloss so much; and you'll soon make loads of friends here. Mother + comes to us next week, you know.” + </p> + <p> + “Your mozzer is a nice old lady,” said the Baron slowly. “I respect her, + Alicia; bot it vas not mozzers zat I missed just now.” + </p> + <p> + “What was it?” + </p> + <p> + “Life!” roared the Baron, with a sudden outburst of thundering enthusiasm + that startled the Baroness completely out of her composure. “I did have + fun for my money vunce in London. Himmel, it is too hot to eat great + dinners and to vear clothes like a monkey-jack.” + </p> + <p> + “Like a what?” gasped the Baroness. + </p> + <p> + To hear the Baron von Blitzenberg decry the paraphernalia and splendors of + his official liveries was even more astonishing than his remarkable + denunciation of the pleasures of the table, since to dress as well as play + the part of hereditary grandee had been till this minute his constant and + enthusiastic ambition. + </p> + <p> + “A meat-jack, I mean—or a—I know not vat you call it. Ach, I + vant a leetle fun, Alicia.” + </p> + <p> + “A little fun,” repeated the Baroness in a breathless voice. “What kind of + fun?” + </p> + <p> + “I know not,” said he, turning once more to stare out of the window. + </p> + <p> + To this dignified representative of a particularly dignified State even + the trees of Belgrave Square seemed at that moment a trifle too + conventionally perpendicular. If they would but dance and wave their + boughs he would have greeted their greenness more gladly. A good-looking + nursemaid wheeled a perambulator beneath their shade, and though she never + looked his way, he took a wicked pleasure in surreptitiously closing first + one eye and then the other in her direction. This might not entirely + satisfy the aspirations of his soul, yet it seemed to serve as some vent + for his pent-up spirit. He turned to his spouse with a pleasantly + meditative air. + </p> + <p> + “I should like to see old Bonker vunce more,” he observed. + </p> + <p> + “Bunker? You mean Mr. Mandell-Essington?” said she, with an apprehensive + note in her voice. + </p> + <p> + “To me he vill alvays be Bonker.” + </p> + <p> + The Baroness looked at him reproachfully. + </p> + <p> + “You promised me, Rudolph, you would see as little as possible of Mr. + Essington.” + </p> + <p> + “Oh, ja, as leetle—as possible,” answered the Baron, though not with + his most ingenuous air. “Besides, it is tree years since I promised. For + tree years I have seen nozing. My love Alicia, you vould not have me + forget mine friends altogezzer?” + </p> + <p> + But the Baroness had too vivid a recollection of their last (and only) + visit to England since their marriage. By a curious coincidence that also + was three years ago. + </p> + <p> + “When you last met you remember what happened?” she asked, with an ominous + hint of emotion in her accents. + </p> + <p> + “My love, how often have I eggsplained? Zat night you mean, I did schleep + in mine hat because I had got a cold in my head. I vas not dronk, no more + zan you. Vat you found in my pocket vas a mere joke, and ze cabman who + called next day vas jost vat I told him to his ogly face—a + blackmail.” + </p> + <p> + “You gave him money to go away.” + </p> + <p> + “A Blitzenberg does not bargain mit cabmen,” said the Baron loftily. + </p> + <p> + His wife's spirits began to revive. There seemed to speak the owner of + Fogelschloss, the haughty magnate of Bavaria. + </p> + <p> + “You have too much self-respect to wish to find yourself in such a + position again,” she said. “I know you have, Rudolph!” + </p> + <p> + The Baron was silent. This appeal met with distinctly less response than + she confidently counted upon. In a graver note she inquired— + </p> + <p> + “You know what mother thinks of Mr. Essington?” + </p> + <p> + “Your mozzer is a vise old lady, Alicia; but we do not zink ze same on all + opinions.” + </p> + <p> + “She will be exceedingly displeased if you—well, if you do anything + that she THOROUGHLY disapproves of.” + </p> + <p> + The Baron left the window and took his wife's plump hand affectionately + within his own broad palm. + </p> + <p> + “You can assure her, my love, zat I shall never do vat she dislikes. You + vill say zat to her if she inquires?” + </p> + <p> + “Can I, truthfully?” + </p> + <p> + “Ach, my own dear!” + </p> + <p> + From his enfolding arms she whispered tenderly— + </p> + <p> + “Of course I will, Rudolph!” + </p> + <p> + With a final hug the embrace abruptly ended, and the Baron hastily glanced + at his watch. + </p> + <p> + “Ach, nearly had I forgot! I must go to ze club for half an hour.” + </p> + <p> + “Must you?” + </p> + <p> + “To meet a friend.” + </p> + <p> + “What friend?” asked the Baroness quickly. + </p> + <p> + “A man whose name you vould know vell—oh, vary vell known he is! But + in diplomacy, mine Alicia, a quiet meeting in a club is sometimes better + not to be advertised too moch. Great wars have come from one vord of + indiscretion. You know ze axiom of Bismarck—'In diplomacy it is + necessary for a diplomatist to be diplomatic.' Good-by, my love.” + </p> + <p> + He bowed as profoundly as if she were a reigning sovereign, blew an + affectionate kiss as he went through the door, and then descended the + stairs with a rapidity that argued either that his appointment was urgent + or that diplomacy shrank from a further test within this mansion. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2HCH0002" id="link2HCH0002"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + CHAPTER II + </h2> + <p> + For the last year or two the name of Rudolph von Blitzenberg had appeared + in the members' list of that most exclusive of institutions, the Regent's + Club, Pall Mall; and it was thither he drove on this fine afternoon of + July. At no resort in London were more famous personages to be found, + diplomatic and otherwise, and nothing would have been more natural than a + meeting between the Baron and a European celebrity beneath its roof; so + that if you had seen him bounding impetuously up the steps, and noted the + eagerness with which he inquired whether a gentleman had called for him, + you would have had considerable excuse for supposing his appointment to be + with a dignitary of the highest importance. + </p> + <p> + “Goot!” he cried on learning that a stranger was indeed waiting for him. + His face beamed with anticipatory joy. Aha! he was not to be disappointed. + </p> + <p> + “Vill he be jost the same?” he wondered. “Ah, if he is changed I shall + veep!” + </p> + <p> + He rushed into the smoking-room, and there, instead of any bald notability + or spectacled statesman, there advanced to meet him a merely private + English gentleman, tolerably young, undeniably good-looking, and graced + with the most debonair of smiles. + </p> + <p> + “My dear Bonker!” cried the Baron, crimsoning with joy. “Ach, how pleased + I am!” + </p> + <p> + “Baron!” replied his visitor gaily. “You cannot deceive me—that + waistcoat was made in Germany! Let me lead you to a respectable tailor!” + </p> + <p> + Yet, despite his bantering tone, it was easy to see that he took an equal + pleasure in the meeting. + </p> + <p> + “Ha, ha!” laughed the Baron, “vot a fonny zing to say! Droll as ever, eh?” + </p> + <p> + “Five years less droll than when we first met,” said the late Bunker and + present Essington. “You meet a dullish dog, Baron—a sobered + reveller.” + </p> + <p> + “Ach, no! Not surely? Do not disappoint me, dear Bonker!” + </p> + <p> + The Baron's plaintive note seemed to amuse his friend. + </p> + <p> + “You don't mean to say you actually wish a boon companion? You, Baron, the + modern Talleyrand, the repository of three emperors' secrets? My dear + fellow, I nearly came in deep mourning.” + </p> + <p> + “Mourning! For vat?” + </p> + <p> + “For our lamented past: I supposed you would have the air of a + Nonconformist beadle.” + </p> + <p> + “My friend!” said the Baron eagerly, and yet with a lowering of his voice, + “I vould not like to engage a beadle mit jost ze same feelings as me. Come + here to zis corner and let us talk! Vaiter! whisky—soda—cigars—all + for two. Come, Bonker!” + </p> + <p> + Stretched in arm-chairs, in a quiet corner of the room, the two surveyed + one another with affectionate and humorous interest. For three years they + had not seen one another at all, and save once they had not met for five. + In five years a man may change his religion or lose his hair, inherit a + principality or part with a reputation, grow a beard or turn teetotaler. + Nothing so fundamental had happened to either of our friends. The Baron's + fullness of contour we have already noticed; in Mandell-Essington, EX + Bunker, was to be seen even less evidence of the march of time. But years, + like wheels upon a road, can hardly pass without leaving in their wake + some faint impress, however fair the weather, and perhaps his hair lay a + fraction of an inch higher up the temple, and in the corners of his eyes a + hint might even be discerned of those little wrinkles that register the + smiles and frowns. Otherwise he was the same distinguished-looking, + immaculately dressed, supremely self-possessed, and charming Francis + Bunker, whom the Baron's memory stored among its choicer possessions. + </p> + <p> + “Tell me,” demanded the Baron, “vat you are doing mit yourself, mine + Bonker.” + </p> + <p> + “Doing?” said Essington, lighting his cigar. “Well, my dear Baron, I am + endeavoring to live as I imagine a gentleman should.” + </p> + <p> + “And how is zat?” + </p> + <p> + “Riding a little, shooting a little, and occasionally telling the truth. + At other times I cock a wise eye at my modest patrimony, now and then I + deliver a lecture with magic-lantern slides; and when I come up to town I + sometimes watch cricket-matches. A devilish invigorating programme, isn't + it?” + </p> + <p> + “Ha, ha!” laughed the Baron again; he had come prepared to laugh, and + carried out his intention religiously. “But you do not feel more old and + sober, eh?” + </p> + <p> + “I don't want to, but no man can avoid his destiny. The natives of this + island are a serious people, or if they are frivolous, it is generally a + trifle vulgarly done. The diversions of the professedly gay-hooting over + pointless badinage and speculating whose turn it is to get divorced next—become + in time even more sobering than a scientific study with diagrams of how to + breed pheasants or play golf. If some one would teach us the simple art of + being light-hearted he would deserve to be placed along with Nelson on his + monument.” + </p> + <p> + “Oh, my dear vellow!” cried the Baron. “Do I hear zese kind of vords from + you?” + </p> + <p> + “If you starved a city-full of people, wouldn't you expect to hear the man + with the biggest appetite cry loudest?” + </p> + <p> + The Baron's face fell further and Essington laughed aloud. + </p> + <p> + “Come, Baron, hang it! You of all people should be delighted to see me a + fellow-member of respectable society. I take you to be the type of the + conventional aristocrat. Why, a fellow who's been travelling in Germany + said to me lately, when I asked about you—'Von Blitzenberg,' said + he, 'he's used as a simile for traditional dignity. His very dogs have to + sit up on their hind-legs when he inspects the kennels!'” + </p> + <p> + The Baron with a solemn face gulped down his whisky-and-soda. + </p> + <p> + “Zat is not true about my dogs,” he replied, “but I do confess my life is + vary dignified. So moch is expected of a Blitzenberg. Oh, ja, zere is moch + state and ceremony.” + </p> + <p> + “And you seem to thrive on it.” + </p> + <p> + “Vell, it does not destroy ze appetite,” the Baron admitted; “and it is my + duty so to live at Fogelschloss, and I alvays vish to do my duty. But, + ach, sometimes I do vant to kick ze trace!” + </p> + <p> + “You mean you would want to if it were not for the Baroness?” + </p> + <p> + Bunker smiled whimsically; but his friend continued as simply serious as + ever. + </p> + <p> + “Alicia is ze most divine woman in ze world—I respect her, Bonker, I + love her, I gonsider her my better angel; but even in Heaven, I suppose, + peoples sometimes vould enjoy a stroll in Piccadeelly, or in some vay to + exercise ze legs and shout mit excitement. No doubt you zink it + unaccountable and strange—pairhaps ungrateful of me, eh?” + </p> + <p> + “On the contrary, I feel as I should if I feared this cigar had gone out + and then found it alight after all.” + </p> + <p> + “You say so! Ah, zen I will have more boldness to confess my heart! + Bonker, ven I did land in England ze leetle thought zat vould rise vas—'Ze + land of freedom vunce again! Here shall I not have to be alvays ze Baron + von Blitzenberg, oldest noble in Bavaria, hereditary carpet-beater to ze + Court! I vill disguise and go mit old Bonker for a frolic!'” + </p> + <p> + “You touch my tenderest chord, Baron!” + </p> + <p> + “Goot, goot, my friend!” cried the Baron, warming to his work of + confession like a penitent whose absolution is promised in advance; “you + speak ze vords I love to hear! Of course I vould not be vicked, and I + vould not disgrace myself; but I do need a leetle exercise. Is it + possible?” + </p> + <p> + Essington sprang up and enthusiastically shook his hand. + </p> + <p> + “Dear Baron, you come like a ray of sunshine through a London fog—like + a moulin rouge alighting in Carlton House Terrace! I thought my own leaves + were yellowing; I now perceive that was only an autumnal change. Spring + has returned, and I feel like a green bay tree!” + </p> + <p> + “Hoch, hoch!” roared the Baron, to the great surprise of two Cabinet + Ministers and a Bishop who were taking tea at the other side of the room. + “Vat shall ve do to show zere is no sick feeling?” + </p> + <p> + “H'm,” reflected Essington, with a comical look. “There's a lot of + scaffolding at the bottom of St. James's Street. Should we have it down + to-night? Or what do you say to a packet of dynamite in the two-penny + tube?” + </p> + <p> + The Baron sobered down a trifle. + </p> + <p> + “Ach, not so fast, not qvite so fast, dear Bonker. Remember I must not get + into troble at ze embassy.” + </p> + <p> + “My dear fellow, that's your pull. Foreign diplomatists are police-proof!” + </p> + <p> + “Ah, but my wife!” + </p> + <p> + “One stormy hour—then tears and forgiveness!” + </p> + <p> + The Baron lowered his voice. + </p> + <p> + “Her mozzer vill visit us next veek. I loff and respect Lady Grillyer; but + I should not like to have to ask her for forgiveness.” + </p> + <p> + “Yes, she has rather an uncompromising nose, so far as I remember.” + </p> + <p> + “It is a kind nose to her friends, Bonker,” the Baron explained, “but + severe towards——” + </p> + <p> + “Myself, for instance,” laughed Essington. “Well, what do you suggest?” + </p> + <p> + “First, zat you dine mit me to-night. No, I vill take no refusal! Listen! + I am now meeting a distinguished person on important international + business—do you pairceive? Ha, ha, ha! To-night it vill be necessary + ve most dine togezzer. I have an engagement, but he can be put off for + soch a great person as the man I am now meeting at ze club! You vill gom?” + </p> + <p> + “I should have been delighted—only unluckily I have a man dining + with me. I tell you what! You come and join us! Will you?” + </p> + <p> + “If zat is ze only vay—yes, mit pleasure! Who is ze man?” + </p> + <p> + “Young Tulliwuddle. Do you remember going to a dance at Lord + Tulliwuddle's, some five and a half years ago?” + </p> + <p> + “Himmel! Ha, ha! Vell do I remember!” + </p> + <p> + “Well, our host of that evening died the other day, and this fellow is his + heir—a second or third cousin whose existence was so displeasing to + the old peer that he left him absolutely nothing that wasn't entailed, and + never said 'How-do-you-do?' to him in his life. In consequence, he may not + entertain you as much as I should like.” + </p> + <p> + “If he is your friend, I shall moch enjoy his society!” + </p> + <p> + “I am flattered, but hardly convinced. Tulliwuddle's intellect is scarcely + of the sparkling kind. However, come and try.” + </p> + <p> + The hour, the place, were arranged; a reminiscence or two exchanged; fresh + suggestions thrown out for the rejuvenation of a Bavarian magnate; another + baronial laugh shook the foundations of the club; and then, as the + afternoon was wearing on, the Baron hailed a cab and galloped for Belgrave + Square, and the late Mr. Bunker sauntered off along Pall Mall. + </p> + <p> + “Who can despair of human nature while the Baron von Blitzenberg adorns + the earth?” he reflected. “The discovery of champagne and the invention of + summer holidays were minor events compared with his descent from Olympus!” + </p> + <p> + He bought a button-hole at the street corner and cocked his hat, more + airily than ever. + </p> + <p> + “A volcanic eruption may inspire one to succor humanity, a wedding to + condole with it, and a general election to warn it of its folly; but the + Baron inspires one to amuse!” + </p> + <p> + Meanwhile that Heaven-sent nobleman, with a manner enshrouded in mystery, + was comforting his wife. + </p> + <p> + “Ah, do not grieve, mine Alicia! No doubt ze Duke vill be disappointed not + to see us to-night, but I have telegraphed. Ja, I have said I had so + important an affair. Ach, do not veep! I did not know you wanted so moch + to dine mit ze old Duke. I sopposed you vould like a quiet evening at + home. But anyhow I have now telegraphed—and my leetle dinner mit my + friend—Ach, it is so important zat I most rosh and get dressed. + Cheer up, my loff! Good-by!” + </p> + <p> + He paused in answer to a tearful question. + </p> + <p> + “His name? Alas, I have promised not to say. You vould not have a European + war by my indiscretion?” + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2HCH0003" id="link2HCH0003"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + CHAPTER III + </h2> + <p> + With mirrors reflecting a myriad lights, with the hum of voices, the + rustle of satin and lace, the hurrying steps of waiters, the bubbling of + laughter, of life, and of wine—all these on each side of them, and a + plate, a foaming glass, and a friend in front, the Baron and his host + smiled radiantly down upon less favored mortals. + </p> + <p> + “Tulliwuddle is very late,” said Essington; “but he's a devilish casual + gentleman in all matters.” + </p> + <p> + “I am selfish enoff to hope he vill not gom at all!” exclaimed the Baron. + </p> + <p> + “Unfortunately he has had the doubtful taste to conceive a curiously high + opinion of myself. I am afraid he won't desert us. But I don't propose + that we shall suffer for his slackness. Bring the fish, waiter.” + </p> + <p> + The Baron was happy; and that is to say that his laughter re-echoed from + the shining mirrors, his tongue was loosed, his heart expanded, his glass + seemed ever empty. + </p> + <p> + “Ach, how to make zis joie de vivre to last beyond to-night!” he cried. + “May ze Teufel fly off mit of offeecial duties and receptions and—and + even mit my vife for a few days.” + </p> + <p> + “My dear Baron!” + </p> + <p> + “To Alicia!” cried the Baron hastily, draining his glass at the toast. + “But some fun first!” + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + “'I could not love thee, dear, so well, + Loved I not humor more!'” + </pre> + <p> + misquoted his host gaily. “Ah!” he added, “here comes Tulliwuddle.” + </p> + <p> + A young man, with his hands in his pockets and an eyeglass in his eye, + strolled up to their table. + </p> + <p> + “I'm beastly sorry for being so late,” said he; “but I'm hanged if I could + make up my mind whether to risk wearing one of these frilled shirt-fronts. + It's not bad, I think, with one's tie tied this way. What do you say?” + </p> + <p> + “It suits you like a halo,” Essington assured him. “But let me introduce + you to my friend the Baron Rudolph von Blitzenberg.” + </p> + <p> + Lord Tulliwuddle bowed politely and took the empty chair; but it was + evident that his attention could not concentrate itself upon sublunary + matters till the shirt-front had been critically inspected and + appreciatively praised by his host. Indeed, it was quite clear that + Essington had not exaggerated his regard for himself. This admiration was + perhaps the most pleasing feature to be noted on a brief acquaintance with + his lordship. He was obviously intended neither for a strong man of action + nor a great man of thought. A tolerable appearance and considerable + amiability he might no doubt claim; but unfortunately the effort to retain + his eye-glass had apparently the effect of forcing his mouth chronically + open, which somewhat marred his appearance; while his natural good-humor + lapsed too frequently into the lamentations of an idle man that Providence + neglected him or that his creditors were too attentive. + </p> + <p> + It happens, however, that it is rather his circumstances than his person + which concern this history. And, briefly, these were something in this + sort. Born a poor relation and guided by no strong hand, he had gradually + seen himself, as Reverend uncles and Right Honorable cousins died off, + approach nearer and nearer to the ancient barony of Tulliwuddle (created + 1475 in the peerage of Scotland), until this year he had actually + succeeded to it. But after his first delight in this piece of good fortune + had subsided he began to realize in himself two notable deficiencies very + clearly, the lack of money, and more vaguely, the want of any preparation + for filling the shoes of a stately courtier and famous Highland chieftain. + He would often, and with considerable feeling, declare that any ordinary + peer he could easily have become, but that being old Tulliwuddle's heir, + by Gad! he didn't half like the job. + </p> + <p> + At present he was being tolerated or befriended by a small circle of + acquaintances, and rapidly becoming a familiar figure to three or four + tailors and half a dozen door-keepers at the stage entrances to divers + Metropolitan theatres. In the circle of acquaintances, the humorous + sagacity of Essington struck him as the most astonishing thing he had ever + known. He felt, in fact, much like a village youth watching his first + conjuring performance, and while the whim lasted (a period which Essington + put down as probably six weeks) he would have gone the length of paying a + bill or ordering a tie on his recommendation alone. + </p> + <p> + To-night the distinguished appearance and genial conversation of + Essington's friend impressed him more than ever with the advantages of + knowing so remarkable a personage. A second bottle succeeded the first, + and a third the second, the cordiality of the dinner growing all the + while, till at last his lordship had laid aside the last traces of his + national suspicion of even the most charming strangers. + </p> + <p> + “I say, Essington,” he said, “I had meant to tell you about a devilish + delicate dilemma I'm in. I want your advice.” + </p> + <p> + “You have it,” interrupted his host. “Give her a five-pound note, see that + she burns your letters, and introduce her to another fellow.” + </p> + <p> + “But—er—that wasn't the thing——” + </p> + <p> + “Tell him you'll pay in six months, and order another pair of trousers,” + said Essington, briskly as ever. + </p> + <p> + “But, I say, it wasn't that——” + </p> + <p> + “My dear Tulliwuddle, I never give racing tips.” + </p> + <p> + “Hang it!” + </p> + <p> + “What is the matter?” + </p> + <p> + Tulliwuddle glanced at the Baron. + </p> + <p> + “I don't know whether the Baron would be interested——” + </p> + <p> + “Immensely, my goot Tollyvoddle! Supremely! hugely! I could be interested + to-night in a museum!” + </p> + <p> + “The Baron's past life makes him a peculiarly catholic judge of + indiscretions,” said Essington. + </p> + <p> + Thus reassured, Tulliwuddle began— + </p> + <p> + “You know I've an aunt who takes an interest in me—wants me to + collar an heiress and that sort of thing. Well, she has more or less + arranged a marriage for me.” + </p> + <p> + “Fill your glasses, gentlemen!” cried Essington. + </p> + <p> + “Hoch, hoch!” roared the Baron. + </p> + <p> + “But, I say, wait a minute! That's only the beginning. I don't know the + girl—and she doesn't know me.” + </p> + <p> + He said the last words in a peculiarly significant tone. + </p> + <p> + “Do you wish me to introduce you?” + </p> + <p> + “Oh, hang it! Be serious, Essington. The point is—will she marry me + if she does know me?” + </p> + <p> + “Himmel! Yes, certainly!” cried the Baron. + </p> + <p> + “Who is she?” asked their host, more seriously. + </p> + <p> + “Her father is Darius P. Maddison, the American Silver King.” + </p> + <p> + The other two could not withhold an exclamation. + </p> + <p> + “He has only two children, a son and a daughter, and he wants to marry his + daughter to an English peer—or a Scotch, it's all the same. My aunt + knows 'em pretty well, and she has recommended me.” + </p> + <p> + “An excellent selection,” commented his host. + </p> + <p> + “But the trouble is, they want rather a high-class peer. Old Maddison is + deuced particular, and I believe the girl is even worse.” + </p> + <p> + “What are the qualifications desired?” + </p> + <p> + “Oh, he's got to be ambitious, and a promising young man—and + elevated tastes—and all that kind of nonsense.” + </p> + <p> + “But you can be all zat if you try!” said the Baron eagerly. “Go to + Germany and get trained. I did vork twelve hours a day for ten years to be + vat I am.” + </p> + <p> + “I'm different,” replied the young peer gloomily. “Nobody ever trained me. + Old Tulliwuddle might have taken me up if he had liked, but he was + prejudiced against me. I can't become all those things now.” + </p> + <p> + “And yet you do want to marry the lady?” + </p> + <p> + “My dear Essington, I can't afford to lose such a chance! One doesn't get + a Miss Maddison every day. She's a deuced handsome girl too, they say.” + </p> + <p> + “By Gad, it's worth a trip across the Atlantic to try your luck,” said + Essington. “Get 'em to guarantee your expenses and you'll at least learn + to play poker and see Niagara for nothing.” + </p> + <p> + “They aren't in America. They've got a salmon river in Scotland, and they + are there now. It's not far from my place, Hechnahoul.” + </p> + <p> + “She's practically in your arms, then?” + </p> + <p> + “Ach. Ze affair is easy!” + </p> + <p> + “Pipe up the clan and abduct her!” + </p> + <p> + “Approach her mit a kilt!” + </p> + <p> + But even those optimistic exhortations left the peer still melancholy. + </p> + <p> + “It sounds all very well,” said he, “but my clansmen, as you call 'em, + would expect such a devil of a lot from me too. Old Tulliwuddle spoiled + them for any ordinary mortal. He went about looking like an advertisement + for whisky, and called 'em all by their beastly Gaelic names. I have never + been in Scotland in my life, and I can't do that sort of thing. I'd merely + make a fool of myself. If I'd had to go to America it wouldn't have been + so bad.” + </p> + <p> + At this weak-kneed confession the Baron could hardly withhold an + exclamation of contempt, but Essington, with more sympathy, inquired— + </p> + <p> + “What do you propose to do, then?” + </p> + <p> + His lordship emptied his glass. + </p> + <p> + “I wish I had your brains and your way of carrying things off, Essington!” + he said, with a sigh. “If you got a chance of showing yourself off to Miss + Maddison she'd jump at you!” + </p> + <p> + A gleam, inspired and humorous, leaped into Essington's eyes. The Baron, + whose glance happened at the moment to fall on him, bounded gleefully from + his seat. + </p> + <p> + “Hoch!” he cried, “it is mine old Bonker zat I see before me! Vat have you + in your mind?” + </p> + <p> + “Sit down, my dear Baron; that lady over there thinks you are preparing to + attack her. Shall we smoke? Try these cigars.” + </p> + <p> + Throwing the Baron a shrewd glance to calm his somewhat alarming + exhilaration, their host turned with a graver air to his other guest. + </p> + <p> + “Tulliwuddle,” said he, “I should like to help you.” + </p> + <p> + “I wish to the deuce you could!” + </p> + <p> + Essington bent over the table confidentially. + </p> + <p> + “I have an idea.” + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2HCH0004" id="link2HCH0004"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + CHAPTER IV + </h2> + <p> + The three heads bent forward towards a common centre—the Baron agog + with suppressed excitement, Tulliwuddle revived with curiosity and a gleam + of hope, Essington impressive and cool. + </p> + <p> + “I take it,” he began, “that if Mr. Darius P. Maddison and his coveted + daughter could see a little of Lord Tulliwuddle—meet him at lunch, + talk to him afterwards, for instance—and carry away a favorable + impression of the nobleman, there would not be much difficulty in + subsequently arranging a marriage?” + </p> + <p> + “Oh, none,” said Tulliwuddle. “They'd be only too keen, IF they approved + of me; but that's the rub, you know.” + </p> + <p> + “So far so good. Now it appears to me that our modest friend here somewhat + underrates his own powers of fascination.” + </p> + <p> + “Ach, Tollyvoddle, you do indeed,” interjected the Baron. + </p> + <p> + “But since this idea is so firmly established in his mind that it may + actually prevent him from displaying himself to the greatest advantage, + and since he has been good enough to declare that he would regard with + complete confidence my own chances of success were I in his place, I would + propose—with all becoming diffidence—that <i>I</i> should + interview the lady and her parent instead of him.” + </p> + <p> + “A vary vise idea, Bonker,” observed the Baron. + </p> + <p> + “What!” said Tulliwuddle. “Do you mean that you would go and crack me up, + and that sort of thing?” + </p> + <p> + “No; I mean that I should enjoy a temporary loan of your name and of your + residence, and assure them by a personal inspection that I have a + sufficient assortment of virtues for their requirements.” + </p> + <p> + “Splendid!” shouted the Baron. “Tollyvoddle, accept zis generous offer + before it is too late!” + </p> + <p> + “But,” gasped the diffident nobleman, “they would find out the next time + they saw me.” + </p> + <p> + “If the business is properly arranged, that would only be when you came + out of church with her. Look here—what fault have you to find with + this scheme? I produce the desired impression, and either propose at once + and am accepted——” + </p> + <p> + “H'm,” muttered Tulliwuddle doubtfully. + </p> + <p> + “Or I leave things in such good train that you can propose and get + accepted afterwards by letter.” + </p> + <p> + “That's better,” said Tulliwuddle. + </p> + <p> + “Then, by a little exercise of our wits, you find an excuse for hurrying + on the marriage—have it a private affair for family reasons, and so + on. You will be prevented by one excuse or another from meeting the lady + till the wedding-day. We shall choose a darkish church, you will have a + plaster on your face—and the deed is done!” + </p> + <p> + “Not a fault can I find,” commented the Baron sagely. “Essington, I + congratulate you.” + </p> + <p> + Between his complete confidence in Essington and the Baron's unqualified + commendation, Lord Tulliwuddle was carried away by the project. + </p> + <p> + “I say, Essington, what a good fellow you are!” he cried. “You really + think it will work?” + </p> + <p> + “What do you say, Baron?” + </p> + <p> + “It cannot fail, I do solemnly assure you. Be thankful you have soch a + friend, Tollyvoddle!” + </p> + <p> + “You don't think anybody will suspect that you aren't really me?” + </p> + <p> + “Does any one up at Hechnahoul know you?” + </p> + <p> + “No.” + </p> + <p> + “And no one there knows me. They will never suspect for an instant.” + </p> + <p> + His lordship assumed a look that would have been serious, almost + impressive, had he first removed his eye-glass. Evidently some weighty + consideration had occurred to him. + </p> + <p> + “You are an awfully clever chap, Essington,” he said, “and deuced superior + to most fellows, and—er—all that kind of thing. But—well—you + don't mind my saying it?” + </p> + <p> + “My morals? My appearance? Say anything you like, my dear fellow.” + </p> + <p> + “It's only this, that noblesse oblige, and that kind of thing, you know.” + </p> + <p> + “I am afraid I don't quite follow.” + </p> + <p> + “Well, I mean that you aren't a nobleman, and do you think you could carry + things off like a—ah—like a Tulliwuddle?” + </p> + <p> + Essington remained entirely serious. + </p> + <p> + “I shall have at my elbow an adviser whose knowledge of the highest + society in Europe is, without exaggeration, unequalled. Your perfectly + natural doubts will be laid at rest when I tell you that I hope to be + accompanied by the Baron Rudolph von Blitzenberg.” + </p> + <p> + The Baron could no longer contain himself. + </p> + <p> + “Himmel! Hurray! My dear friend, I vill go mit you to hell!” + </p> + <p> + “That's very good of you,” said Essington, “but you mistake my present + destination. I merely wish your company as far as the Castle of + Hechnahoul.” + </p> + <p> + “I gom mit so moch pleasure zat I cannot eggspress! Tollyvoddle, be no + longer afraid. I have helped to write a book on ze noble families of + Germany—zat is to say, I have contributed my portrait and some + anecdote. Our dear friend shall make no mistakes!” + </p> + <p> + By this guarantee Lord Tulliwuddle's last doubts were completely set at + rest. His spirits rose as he perceived how happily this easy avenue would + lead him out of all his troubles. He insisted on calling for wine and + pledging success to the adventure with the most resolute and confident + air, and nothing but a few details remained now to be settled. These were + chiefly with regard to the precise limits up to which the duplicate Lord + Tulliwuddle might advance his conquering arms. + </p> + <p> + “You won't formally propose, will you?” said the first edition of that + peer. + </p> + <p> + “Certainly not, if you prefer to negotiate the surrender yourself,” the + later impression assured him. + </p> + <p> + “And you mustn't—well—er——” + </p> + <p> + “I shall touch nothing.” + </p> + <p> + “A girl might get carried away by you,” said the original peer a trifle + doubtfully. + </p> + <p> + “The Baron is the most scrupulous of men. He will be by my side almost + continually. Baron, you will act as my judge, my censor, and my chaperon?” + </p> + <p> + “Tollyvoddle, I swear to you zat I shall use an eye like ze eagle. He + shall be so careful—ach, I shall see to it! Myself, I am a Bayard + mit ze ladies, and Bonker he shall not be less so!” + </p> + <p> + “Thanks, Baron, thanks awfully,” said his lordship. “Now my mind is quite + at rest!” + </p> + <p> + In the vestibule of the restaurant they bade good-night to the confiding + nobleman, and then turned to one another with an adventurer's smile. + </p> + <p> + “You are sure you can leave your diplomatic duties?” asked Essington. + </p> + <p> + “Zey vill be my diplomatic duties zat I go to do! Oh, I shall prepare a + leetle story—do not fear me.” + </p> + <p> + The Baron chuckled, and then burst forth + </p> + <p> + “Never was zere a man like you. Oh, cunning Mistair Bonker! And you vill + give me zomezing to do in ze adventure, eh?” + </p> + <p> + “I promise you that, Baron.” + </p> + <p> + As he gave this reassuring pledge, a peculiar smile stole over Mr. + Bunker's face—a smile that seemed to suggest even happier + possibilities than either of his distinguished friends contemplated. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2HCH0005" id="link2HCH0005"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + CHAPTER V + </h2> + <p> + It is at all times pleasant to contemplate thorough workmanship and + sagacious foresight, particularly when these are allied with disinterested + purpose and genuine enthusiasm. For the next few days Mr. Bunker, + preparing to carry out to the best of his ability the delicate commission + with which he had been entrusted, presented this stimulating spectacle. + </p> + <p> + Absolutely no pains were left untaken. By the aid of some volumes lent him + by Tulliwuddle he learned, and digested in a pocketbook, as much + information as he thought necessary to acquire concerning the history of + the noble family he was temporarily about to enter; together with notes of + their slogan or war-cry (spelled phonetically to avoid the possibility of + a mistake), of their acreage, gross and net rentals, the names of their + land-agents, and many other matters equally to the point. It was further + to be observed that he spared no pains to imprint these particulars in the + Baron's Teutonic memory—whether to support his own in case of need, + or for some more secret purpose, it were impossible to fathom. Disguised + as unconspicuous and harmless persons, they would meet in many quiet + haunts whose unsuspected excellences they could guarantee from their old + experience, and there mature their philanthropic plan. + </p> + <p> + Not only had its talented originator to impress the Tulliwuddle annals and + statistics into his ally's eager mind, but he had to exercise the nicest + tact and discernment lest the Baron's excess of zeal should trip their + enterprise at the very outset. + </p> + <p> + “To-day I have told Alicia zat my visit to Russia vill probably be + vollowed by a visit to ze Emperor of China,” the Baron would recount with + vast pride in his inventive powers. “And I have dropped a leetle hint zat + for an envoy to be imprisoned in China is not to be surprised. Zat vill + prepare her in case I am avay longer zan ve expect.” + </p> + <p> + “And how did she take that intimation?” asked Essington, with a less + congratulatory air than he had expected. + </p> + <p> + “I did leave her in tears.” + </p> + <p> + “My dear Baron, fly to her to tell her you are not going to China! She + will get so devilish alarmed if you are gone a week that she'll go + straight to the embassy and make inquiries.” + </p> + <p> + He shook his head, and added in an impressive voice— + </p> + <p> + “Never lie for lying's sake, Blitzenberg. Besides, how do you propose to + forge a Chinese post-mark?” + </p> + <p> + The Baron had laid the foundations of his Russian trip on a sound basis by + requesting a friend of his in that country to post to the Baroness the + bi-weekly budgets of Muscovite gossip which he intended to compose at + Hechnahoul. This, it seemed to him, would be a simple feat, particularly + with his friend Bunker to assist; but he had to confess that the provision + of Chinese news would certainly be more difficult. + </p> + <p> + “Ach, vell, I shall contradict China,” he agreed. + </p> + <p> + It will be readily believed that what with getting up his brief, pruning + the legends with which the Baron proposed to satisfy his wife and his + ambassador, and purchasing an outfit suitable to the roles of peer and + chieftain, this indefatigable gentleman passed three or four extremely + busy days. + </p> + <p> + “Ve most start before my dear mozzer-in-law does gom!” the Baron more than + once impressed upon him, so that there was no moment to be wasted. + </p> + <p> + Two days before their departure Mr. Bunker greeted his ally with a + peculiarly humorous smile. + </p> + <p> + “The pleasures of our visit to Hechnahoul are to be considerably + augmented,” said he. “Tulliwuddle has only just made the discovery that + his ancestral castle is let; but his tenant, in the most handsome spirit, + invites us to be his guests so long as we are in Scotland. A very + hospitable letter, isn't it?” + </p> + <p> + He handed him a large envelope with a more than proportionately large + crest upon it, and drawing from this a sheet of note-paper headed by a + second crest, the Baron read this epistle: + </p> + <p> + “MY LORD,—Learning that you propose visiting your Scottish estates, + and Mr. M'Fadyen, your factor, informing me no lodge is at present + available for your reception, it will give Mrs. Gallosh and myself great + pleasure, and we will esteem it a distinguished honor, if you and your + friend will be our guests at Hechnahoul Castle during the duration of your + visit. Should you do us the honor of accepting, I shall send my steam + launch to meet you at Torrydhulish pier and convey you across the loch, if + you will be kind enough to advise me which train you are coming by. + </p> + <p> + “In conclusion, Mrs. Gallosh and myself beg to assure you that although + you find strangers in your ancestral halls, you will receive both from + your tenantry and ourselves a very hearty welcome to your native land. + Believe me, your obedient servant, + </p> + <p> + “DUNCAN JNO. GALLOSH.” + </p> + <p> + “Zat is goot news!” cried the Baron. “Ve shall have company—perhaps + ladies! Ach, Bonker, I have ze soft spot in mine heart: I am so constant + as ze needle to ze pole; but I do like sometimes to talk mit voman!” + </p> + <p> + “With Mrs. Gallosh, for instance?” + </p> + <p> + “But, Bonker, zere may be a Miss Gallosh.” + </p> + <p> + “If you consulted the Baroness,” said Bunker, smiling, “I suspect she + would prefer you to be imprisoned in China.” + </p> + <p> + The Baron laughed, and curled his martial mustache with a dangerous air. + </p> + <p> + “Who is zis Gallosh?” he inquired. + </p> + <p> + “Scottish, I judge from his name; commercial, from his literary style; + elevated by his own exertions, from the size of his crest; and wealthy, + from the fact that he rents Hechnahoul Castle. His mention of Mrs. Gallosh + points to the fact that he is either married or would have us think so; + and I should be inclined to conclude that he has probably begot a family.” + </p> + <p> + “Aha!” said the Baron. “Ve vill gom and see, eh?” + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2HCH0006" id="link2HCH0006"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + CHAPTER VI + </h2> + <p> + A carefully clothed young man, with an eyeglass and a wavering gait, + walked slowly out of Euston Station. He had just seen the Scottish express + depart, and this event seemed to have filled him with dubious reflections. + In fact, at the very last moment Lord Tulliwuddle's confidence in his two + friends had been a trifling degree disturbed. It occurred to him as he + lingered by the door of their reserved first-class compartment that they + had a little too much the air of gentlemen departing on their own pleasure + rather than on his business. No sooner did he drop a fretful hint of this + opinion than their affectionate protestations had quickly revived his + spirit; but now that they were no longer with him to counsel and + encourage, it once more drooped. + </p> + <p> + “Confound it!” he thought, “I hadn't bargained on having to keep out of + people's way till they came back. If Essington had mentioned that sooner, + I don't know that I'd have been so keen about the notion. Hang it! I'll + have to chuck the Morrells' dance. And I can't go with the Greys to + Ranelagh. I can't even dine with my own aunt on Sunday. Oh, the devil!” + </p> + <p> + The perturbed young peer waved his umbrella and climbed into a hansom. + </p> + <p> + “Well, anyhow, I can still go on seeing Connie. That's some consolation,” + he told himself; and without stopping to consider what would be the + thoughts of his two obliging friends had they known he was seeking + consolation in the society of one lady while they were arranging his + nuptials with another, the baptismal Tulliwuddle drove back to the + civilization of St. James's. + </p> + <p> + Within the reserved compartment was no foreboding, no faint-hearted paling + of the cheek. As the train clattered, hummed, and presently thundered on + its way, the two laughed cheerfully towards one another, delighted beyond + measure with the prosperous beginning of their enterprise. The Baron could + not sufficiently express his gratitude and admiration for the promptitude + with which his friend had purveyed so promising an adventure. + </p> + <p> + “Ve vill have fon, my Bonker. Ach! ve vill,” he exclaimed for the third or + fourth time within a dozen miles from Euston. + </p> + <p> + His Bunker assumed an air half affectionate, half apologetic. + </p> + <p> + “I only regret that I should have the lion's share of the adventure, my + dear Baron.” + </p> + <p> + “Yes,” said the Baron, with a symptom of a sigh, “I do envy you indeed. + Yet I should not say zat——” Bunker swiftly interrupted him. + </p> + <p> + “You would like to play a worthier part than merely his lordship's + friend?” + </p> + <p> + “Ach! if I could.” + </p> + <p> + Bunker smiled benignantly. + </p> + <p> + “Ah, Baron, you cannot suppose that I would really do Tulliwuddle such + injustice as to attempt, in my own feeble manner, to impersonate him?” + </p> + <p> + The Baron stared. + </p> + <p> + “Vat mean you?” + </p> + <p> + “YOU shall be the lion, <i>I</i> the humble necessary jackal. As our + friend so aptly quoted, noblesse oblige. Of course, there can be no doubt + about it. You, Baron, must play the part of peer, I of friend.” + </p> + <p> + The Baron gasped. + </p> + <p> + “Impossible!” + </p> + <p> + “Quite simple, my dear fellow.” + </p> + <p> + “You—you don't mean so?” + </p> + <p> + “I do indeed.” + </p> + <p> + “Bot I shall not do it so vell as you.” + </p> + <p> + “A hundred times better.” + </p> + <p> + “Bot vy did you not say so before?” + </p> + <p> + “Tulliwuddle might not have agreed with me.” + </p> + <p> + “Bot vould he like it now?” + </p> + <p> + “It is not what he likes that we should consider, it's what is good for + his interests.” + </p> + <p> + “Bot if I should fail?” + </p> + <p> + “He will be no worse off than before. Left to himself, he certainly won't + marry the lady. You give him his only chance.” + </p> + <p> + “Bot more zan you vould, really and truthfully?” + </p> + <p> + “My dear Baron, you are admitted by all to be an ideal German nobleman. + Therefore you will certainly make an ideal British peer. You have the true + Grand-Seigneur air. No one would mistake you for anything but a great + aristocrat, if they merely saw you in bathing pants; whereas I have + something a little different about my manner. I'm not so impressive—not + so hall-marked, in fact.” + </p> + <p> + His friend's omniscient air and candidly eloquent tone impressed the Baron + considerably. His ingrained conviction of his own importance accorded + admirably with these arguments. His thirst for “life” craved this lion's + share. His sanguine spirit leaped at the appeal. Yet his well-regulated + conscience could not but state one or two patent objections. + </p> + <p> + “Bot I have not read so moch of the Tollyvoddles as you. I do not know ze + strings so vell.” + </p> + <p> + “I have told you nearly everything I know. You will find the rest here.” + </p> + <p> + Essington handed him the note-book containing his succinct digest. In + intelligent anticipation of this contingency it was written in his + clearest handwriting. + </p> + <p> + “You should have been a German,” said the Baron admiringly. + </p> + <p> + He glanced with sparkling eyes at the note-book, and then with a + distinctly greater effort the Teutonic conscience advanced another + objection. + </p> + <p> + “Bot you have bought ze kilt, ze Highland hat, ze brogue shoes.” + </p> + <p> + “I had them made to your measurements.” + </p> + <p> + The Baron impetuously embraced his thoughtful friend. Then again his smile + died away. + </p> + <p> + “Bot, Bonker, my voice! Zey tell me I haf nozing zat you vould call qvite + an accent; bot a foreigner—one does regognize him, eh?” + </p> + <p> + “I shall explain that in a sentence. The romantic tincture of—well, + not quite accent, is a pleasant little piece of affectation adopted by the + young bloods about the Court in compliment to the German connections of + the Royal family.” + </p> + <p> + The Baron raised no more objections. + </p> + <p> + “Bonker, I agree! Tollyvoddle I shall be, by Jove and all!” + </p> + <p> + He beamed his satisfaction, and then in an eager voice asked— + </p> + <p> + “You haf not ze kilt in zat hat-box?” + </p> + <p> + Unfortunately, however, the kilt was in the van. + </p> + <p> + Now the journey, propitiously begun, became more exhilarating, more + exciting with each mile flung by. The Baron, egged on by his friend's high + spirits and his own imagination to anticipate pleasure upon pleasure, + watched with rapture the summer landscape whiz past the windows. Through + the flat midlands of England they sped; field after field, hedgerow after + hedgerow, trees by the dozen, by the hundred, by the thousand, spinning by + in one continuous green vista. Red brick towns, sluggish rivers, thatched + villages and ancient churches dark with yews, the shining web of + junctions, and a whisking glimpse of wayside stations leaped towards them, + past them, and leagues away behind. But swiftly as they sped, it was all + too slowly for the fresh-created Lord Tulliwuddle. + </p> + <p> + “Are we not nearly to Scotland yet?” he inquired some fifty times. + </p> + <p> + “'My heart's in the Highlands a-chasing the dears!'” hummed the abdicated + nobleman, whose hilarity had actually increased (if that were possible) + since his descent into the herd again. + </p> + <p> + All the travellers' familiar landmarks were hailed by the gleeful + diplomatist with encouraging comments. + </p> + <p> + “Ach, look! Beauteeful view! How quickly it is gone! Hurray! Ve must be + nearly to Scotland.” + </p> + <p> + A panegyric on the rough sky-line of the north country fells was + interrupted by the entrance of the dining-car attendant. Learning that + they would dine, he politely inquired in what names he should engage their + seats. Then, for an instant, a horrible confusion nearly overcame the + Baron. He—a von Blitzenberg—to give a false name! His color + rose, he stammered, and only in the nick of time caught his companion's + eye. + </p> + <p> + “Ze Lord Tollyvoddle,” he announced, with an effort as heroic as any of + his ancestors' most warlike enterprises. + </p> + <p> + Too impressed to inquire how this remarkable title should be spelled, the + man turned to the other distinguished-looking passenger. + </p> + <p> + “Bunker,” said that gentleman, with smiling assurance. + </p> + <p> + The man went out. + </p> + <p> + “Now are ve named!” cried the Baron, his courage rising the higher for the + shock it had sustained. “And you vunce more vill be Bonker? Goot!” + </p> + <p> + “That satisfies you?” + </p> + <p> + The Baron hesitated. + </p> + <p> + “My dear friend, I have a splendid idea! Do you know I did disgover zere + used to be a nobleman in Austria really called Count Bonker? He vas a + famous man; you need not be ashamed to take his name. Vy should not you be + Count Bonker?” + </p> + <p> + “You prefer to travel in titled company? Well, be hanged—why not! + When one comes to think of it, it seems a pity that my sins should always + be attributed to the middle classes.” + </p> + <p> + Accordingly this history has now the honorable task of chronicling the + exploits of no fewer than two noblemen. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2HCH0007" id="link2HCH0007"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + CHAPTER VII + </h2> + <p> + Late that evening they reached a city which the home-coming chieftain in + an outburst of Celtic fervor dubbed “mine own bonny Edinburg!” and there + they repaired for the night to a hotel. Once more the Baron (we may still + style him so since the peerage of Tulliwuddle was of that standing also) + showed a certain diffidence when it came to answering to his new title in + public; but in the seclusion of their private sitting-room he was careful + to assure his friend that this did not arise from any lack of nerve or + qualms zof conscience, but merely through a species of headache—the + result of railway travelling. + </p> + <p> + “Do not fear for me,” he declared as he stirred the sugar in his glass, “I + have ze heart of a lion.” + </p> + <p> + The liquid he was sipping being nothing less potent than a brew of whisky + punch, which he had ordered (or rather requested Bunker to order) as the + most romantically national compound he could think of, produced, indeed, a + fervor of foolhardiness. He insisted upon opening the door wide, and + getting Bunker to address him as “Tollyvoddle,” in a strident voice, “so + zat zey all may hear,” and then answering in a firm “Yes, Count Bonker, + vat vould you say to me?” + </p> + <p> + It is true that he instantly closed the door again, and even bolted it, + but his display seemed to make a vast impression upon himself. + </p> + <p> + “Many men vould not dare so to go mit anozzer name,” he announced; “bot I + have my nerves onder a good gontrol.” + </p> + <p> + “You astonish me,” said the Count. + </p> + <p> + “I do even surprise myself,” admitted the Baron. + </p> + <p> + In truth the ordeal of carelessly carrying off an alias is said by those + who have undergone it (and the report is confirmed by an experienced class + of public officials) to require a species of hardihood which, fortunately + for society, is somewhat rare. The most daring Smith will sometimes + stammer when it comes to merely answering “Yes” to a cry of “Brown!” and + Count Bunker, whose knowledge of human nature was profound and remarkably + accurate, was careful to fortify his friend by example and praise, till by + the time they went to bed the Baron could scarcely be withheld from + seeking out the manager and airing his assurance upon him. Or, at least, + he declared he would have done this had he been sure that the manager was + not already in bed himself. + </p> + <p> + Unfortunately at this juncture the Count committed one of those + indiscretions to which a gay spirit is always prone, but which, to do him + justice, seldom sullied his own record as a successful adventurer. At an + hour considerably past midnight, hearing an excited summons from the + Baron's bedroom, he laid down his toothbrush and hastened across the + passage, to find the new peer in a crimson dressing-gown of quilted silk + gazing enthusiastically at a lithograph that hung upon the wall. + </p> + <p> + “See!” he cried gleefully, “here is my own ancestor. Bonker, I feel I am + Tollyvoddle indeed.” + </p> + <p> + The print which had inspired this enthusiasm depicted a historical but + treasonable Lord Tulliwuddle preparing to have his head removed. + </p> + <p> + Giving it a droll look, the Count observed— + </p> + <p> + “Well, if it inspires you, my dear Baron, that's all right. The omen would + have struck me differently.” + </p> + <p> + “Ze omen!” murmured the Baron with a start. + </p> + <p> + It required all Bunker's tact to revive his ally's damped enthusiasm, and + even at breakfast next morning he referred in a gloomy voice to various + premonitions recorded in the history of his family, and the horrible + consequences of disregarding them. + </p> + <p> + But by the time they had started upon their journey north, his spirits + rose a trifle; and when at length all lowland landscapes were left far + behind them, and they had come into a province of peat streams and granite + pinnacles, with the gloom of pines and the freshness of the birch blended + like a May and December marriage, all appearance, at least, of disquietude + had passed away. + </p> + <p> + Yet the Count kept an anxious eye upon him. He was becoming decidedly + restless. At one moment he would rave about the glorious scenery; the + next, plunge into a brown study of the Tulliwuddle rent-roll; and then in + an instant start humming an air and smoking so fast that both their cases + were empty while they were yet half an hour from Torrydhulish Station. Now + the Baron took to biting his nails, looking at his watch, and answering + questions at random—a very different spectacle from the enthusiastic + traveller of yesterday. + </p> + <p> + “Only ten minutes more,” observed Bunker in his most cheering manner. + </p> + <p> + The Baron made no reply. + </p> + <p> + They were now running along the brink of a glimmering loch, the piled + mountains on the farther shore perfectly mirrored; a tern or two lazily + fishing; a delicate summer sky smiling above. All at once Count Bunker + started— + </p> + <p> + “That must be Hechnahoul!” said he. + </p> + <p> + The Baron looked and beheld, upon an eminence across the loch, the towers + and turrets of an imposing mansion overtopping a green grove. + </p> + <p> + “And here is the station,” added the Count. + </p> + <p> + The Baron's face assumed a piteous expression. + </p> + <p> + “Bonker,” he stammered, “I—I am afraid! You be ze Tollyvoddle—I + cannot do him!” + </p> + <p> + “My dear Baron!” + </p> + <p> + “Oh, I cannot!” + </p> + <p> + “Be brave—for the honor of the fatherland. Play the bold + Blitzenberg!” + </p> + <p> + “Ach, ja; but not bold Tollyvoddle. Zat picture—you vere right—it + vas omen!” + </p> + <p> + Never did the genius of Bunker rise more audaciously to an occasion. + </p> + <p> + “My dear Baron,” said he, assuming on the instant a confidence-inspiring + smile, “that print was a hoax; it wasn't old Tulliwuddle at all. I faked + it myself.” + </p> + <p> + “So?” gasped the Baron. “You assure me truly?” + </p> + <p> + Muttering (the historian sincerely hopes) a petition for forgiveness, + Bunker firmly answered— + </p> + <p> + “I do assure you!” + </p> + <p> + The train had stopped, and as they were the only first-class passengers on + board, a peculiarly magnificent footman already had his hand upon the + door. Before turning the handle, he touched his hat. + </p> + <p> + “Lord Tulliwuddle?” he respectfully inquired. + </p> + <p> + “Ja—zat is, yes, I am,” replied the Baron. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2HCH0008" id="link2HCH0008"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + CHAPTER VIII + </h2> + <p> + From the platform down to the pier was only some fifty yards, and before + them the travellers perceived an exceedingly smart steam-launch, and a + stout middle-aged gentleman, in a blue serge suit and yachting cap, + advancing from it to greet them. They had only time to observe that he had + a sanguine complexion, iron-gray whiskers, and a wide-open eye, before he + raised the cap and, in a decidedly North British accent, thus addressed + them— + </p> + <p> + “My lord—ahem!—your lordship, I should say—I presume + I've the pleasure of seeing Lord Tulliwuddle?” + </p> + <p> + The Count gently pushed his more distinguished friend in front. With an + embarrassment equal to their host's, his lordship bowed and gave his hand. + </p> + <p> + “I am ze Tollyvoddle—vary pleased—Mistair Gosh, I soppose?” + </p> + <p> + “Gallosh, my lord. Very honored to welcome you.” + </p> + <p> + In the round eyes of Mr. Gallosh, Count Bunker perceived an unmistakable + stare of astonishment at the sound of his lordship's accented voice. The + Baron, on his part, was evidently still suffering from his attack of stage + fright; but again the Count's gifts smoothed the creases from the + situation. + </p> + <p> + “You have not introduced me to our host, Tulliwuddle,” he said, with a + gay, infectious confidence. + </p> + <p> + “Ah, so! Zis is my friend Count Bunker—gom all ze vay from Austria,” + responded the Baron, with no glimmer of his customary aplomb. + </p> + <p> + Making a mental resolution to warn his ally never to say one word more + about his fictitious past than was wrung by cross-examination, the + distinguished-looking Austrian shook his host's hand warmly. + </p> + <p> + “From Austria via London,” he explained in his pleasantest manner. “I + object altogether to be considered a foreigner, Mr. Gallosh; and, in fact, + I often tell Tulliwuddle that people will think me more English than + himself. The German fashions so much in vogue at Court are transforming + the very speech of your nobility. Don't you sometimes notice it?” + </p> + <p> + Thus directly appealed to, Mr. Gallosh became manifestly perplexed. + </p> + <p> + “Yes—yes, you're right in a way,” he pronounced cautiously. “I + suppose they do that. But will ye not take a seat? This is my launch. Hi! + Robert, give his lordship a hand on board!” + </p> + <p> + Two mariners and a second tall footman assisted the guests to embark, and + presently they were cutting the waters of the loch at a merry pace. + </p> + <p> + In the prow, like youth, the Baron insisted upon sitting with folded arms + and a gloomy aspect; and as his nerve was so patently disturbed, the Count + decidedly approved of an arrangement which left his host and himself alone + together in the stern. In his present state of mind the Baron was capable + of any indiscretion were he compelled to talk; while, silent and brooding + in isolated majesty, he looked to perfection the part of returning exile. + So, evidently, thought Mr. Gallosh. + </p> + <p> + “His lordship is looking verra well,” he confided to the Count in a + respectfully lowered voice. + </p> + <p> + “The improvement has been remarkable ever since his foot touched his + native heath.” + </p> + <p> + “You don't say so,” said Mr. Gallosh, with even greater interest. “Was he + delicate before?” + </p> + <p> + “A London life, Mr. Gallosh.” + </p> + <p> + “True—true, he'll have been busy seeing his friends; it'll have been + verra wearing.” + </p> + <p> + “The anxiety, the business of being invested, and so on, has upset him a + trifle. You must put down any little—well, peculiarity to that, Mr. + Gallosh.” + </p> + <p> + “I understand—aye, umh'm, quite so. He'll like to be left to + himself, perhaps?” + </p> + <p> + “That depends on his condition,” said the Count diplomatically. + </p> + <p> + “It's a great responsibility for a young man; yon's a big property to look + after,” observed Mr. Gallosh in a moment. + </p> + <p> + “You have touched the spot!” said the Count warmly. “That is, in fact, the + chief cause of Tulliwuddle's curious moodiness ever since he succeeded to + the title. He feels his responsibilities a little too acutely.” + </p> + <p> + Again Mr. Gallosh ruminated, while his guest from the corner of his eye + surveyed him shrewdly. + </p> + <p> + “My forecast was wonderfully accurate,” he said to himself. + </p> + <p> + The silence was first broken by Mr. Gallosh. As if thinking aloud, he + remarked— + </p> + <p> + “I was awful surprised to hear him speak! It's the Court fashion, you + say?” + </p> + <p> + “Partly that; partly a prolonged residence on the Continent in his youth. + He acquired his accent then; he has retained it for fashion's sake,” + explained the Count, who thought it as well to bolster up the weakest part + of his case a little more securely. + </p> + <p> + With this prudent purpose, he added, with a flattering air of taking his + host into his aristocratic confidence— + </p> + <p> + “You will perhaps be good enough to explain this to the friends and + dependants Lord Tulliwuddle is about to meet? A breath of unsympathetic + criticism would grieve him greatly if it came to his ears.” + </p> + <p> + “Quite, quite,” said Mr. Gallosh eagerly. “I'll make it all right. I + understand the sentiment pairfectly. It's verra natural—verra + natural indeed.” + </p> + <p> + At that moment the Baron started from his reverie with an affrighted air. + </p> + <p> + “Vat is zat strange sound!” he exclaimed. + </p> + <p> + The others listened. + </p> + <p> + “That's just the pipes, my lord,” said Mr. Gallosh. “They're tuning up to + welcome you.” + </p> + <p> + His lordship stared at the shore ahead of them. + </p> + <p> + “Zere are many peoples on ze coast!” he cried. “Vat makes it for?” + </p> + <p> + “They've come to receive you,” his host explained. “It's just a little + spontaneous demonstration, my lord.” + </p> + <p> + His lordship's composure in no way increased. + </p> + <p> + “It was Mrs. Gallosh organized a wee bit entertainment on his lordship's + landing,” their host explained confidentially to the Count. “It's just + informal, ye understand. She's been instructing some of the tenants—and + ma own girls will be there—but, oh, it's nothing to speak of. If he + says a few words in reply, that'll be all they'll be expecting.” + </p> + <p> + The strains of “Tulliwuddle wha hae” grew ever louder and, to an untrained + ear, more terrific. In a moment they were mingled with a clapping of hands + and a Highland cheer, the launch glided alongside the pier, and, supported + on his faithful friend's arm, the panic-stricken Tulliwuddle staggered + ashore. Before his dazed eyes there seemed to be arrayed the vastest and + most barbaric concourse his worst nightmare had ever imagined. Six pipers + played within ten paces of him, each of them arrayed in the full panoply + of the clan; at least a dozen dogs yelped their exultation; and from the + surrounding throng two ancient men in tartan and four visions in snowy + white stepped forth to greet the distinguished visitors. + </p> + <p> + The first hitch in the proceedings occurred at this point. According to + the unofficial but carefully considered programme, the pipers ought to + have ceased their melody; but, whether inspired by ecstatic loyalty or + because the Tulliwuddle pibroch took longer to perform than had been + anticipated, they continued to skirl with such vigor that expostulations + passed entirely unheard. Under the circumstances there was nothing for it + but shouting, and in a stentorian yell Mr. Gallosh introduced his wife and + three fair daughters. + </p> + <p> + Thereupon Mrs. Gallosh, a broad-beamed matron whose complexion contrasted + pleasantly with her costume, delivered the following oration— + </p> + <p> + “Lord Tulliwuddle, in the name of the women of Hechnahoul—I may say + in the name of the women of all the Highlands—oor ain Heelands, my + lord” (this with the most insinuating smile)—“I bid you welcome to + your ancestral estates. Remembering the conquests your ancestors used to + make both in war and in a gentler sphere” (Mrs. Gallosh looked archness + itself), “we ladies, I suppose, should regard your home-coming with some + misgivings; but, my lord, every bonny Prince Charlie has his bonny Flora + Macdonald, and in this land of mountain, mist, and flood, where 'Dark Ben + More frowns o'er the wave,' and where 'Ilka lassie has her laddie,' you + will find a thousand romantic maidens ready to welcome you as Ellen + welcomed Fitz-James! For centuries your heroic race has adorned the halls + and trod the heather of Hechnahoul, and for centuries more we hope to see + the offspring of your lordship and some winsome Celtic maid rule these + cataracts and glens!” + </p> + <p> + At this point the exertion of shouting down six bagpipes in active + eruption caused a temporary cessation of the lady's eloquence, and the + pause was filled by the cheers of the crowd led by the “Hip-hip-hip!” of + Count Bunker, and by the broken and fortunately inaudible protests of the + embarrassed father of future Tulliwuddles. In a moment Mrs. Gallosh had + resumed— + </p> + <p> + “Lord Tulliwuddle, though I myself am only a stranger to your clan, your + Highland heart will feel reassured when I mention that I belong through my + grandmother to the kindred clan of the Mackays!” (“Hear, hear!” from two + or three ladies and gentlemen, evidently guests of the Gallosh.) “We are + but visitors at Hechnahoul, yet we assure you that no more devoted hearts + beat in all Caledonia! Lord Tulliwuddle, we welcome you!” + </p> + <p> + “Put your hand on your heart and bow,” whispered Bunker. “Keep on bowing + and say nothing!” + </p> + <p> + Mechanically the bewildered Baron obeyed, and for a few moments presented + a spectacle not unlike royalty in procession. + </p> + <p> + But as some reply from him had evidently been expected at this point, and + the pipers had even ceased playing lest any word of their chief's should + be lost, a pause ensued which might have grown embarrassing had not the + Count promptly stepped forward. + </p> + <p> + “I think,” he said, indicating two other snow-white figures who held + gigantic bouquets, “that a pleasant part of the ceremony still remains + before us.” + </p> + <p> + With a grateful glance at this discerning guest, Mrs. Gallosh thereupon + led forward her two youngest daughters (aged fifteen and thirteen), who, + with an air so delightfully coy that it fell like a ray of sunshine on the + poor Baron's heart, presented him with their flowery symbols of + Hechnahoul's obeisance to its lord. + </p> + <p> + His consternation returned with the advance of the two ancient clansmen + who, after a guttural panegyric in Gaelic, offered him further symbols—a + claymore and target, very formidable to behold. All these gifts having + been adroitly transferred to the arms of the footmen by the ubiquitous + Count, the Baron's emotions swiftly passed through another phase when the + eldest Miss Gallosh, aged twenty, with burning eyes and the most + distracting tresses, dropped him a sweeping courtesy and offered a final + contribution—a fiery cross, carved and painted by her own fair + hands. + </p> + <p> + A fresh round of applause followed this, and then a sudden silence fell + upon the assembly. All eyes were turned upon the chieftain: not even a dog + barked: it was the moment of a lifetime. + </p> + <p> + “Can you manage a speech, old man?” whispered Bunker. + </p> + <p> + “Ach, no, no, no! Let me escape. Oh, let me fly!” + </p> + <p> + “Bury your face in your hands and lean on my shoulder,” prompted the + Count. + </p> + <p> + This stage direction being obeyed, the most effective tableau conceivable + was presented, and the climax was reached when the Count, after a brief + dumb-show intended to indicate how vain were Lord Tulliwuddle's efforts to + master his emotion, spoke these words in the most thrilling accents he + could muster: + </p> + <p> + “Fair ladies and brave men of Hechnahoul! Your chief, your friend, your + father requests me to express to you the sentiments which his over-wrought + emotions prevent him from uttering himself. On his behalf I tender to his + kind and courteous friends, Mr., Mrs., and the fair maids Gallosh, the + thanks of a long-absent exile returned to his native land for the welcome + they have given him! To his devoted clan he not only gives his thanks, but + his promise that all rents shall be reduced by one half—so long as + he dwells among them!” (Tumultuous applause, disturbed only by a violent + ejaculation from a large man in knickerbockers whom Bunker justly judged + to be the factor.) + </p> + <p> + “With his last breath he shall perpetually thunder: Ahasheen—comara—mohr!” + </p> + <p> + The Tulliwuddle slogan, pronounced with the most conscientious accuracy of + which a Sassenach was capable, proved as effective a curtain as he had + anticipated; and amid a perfect babel of cheering and bagpiping the + chieftain was led to his host's carriage. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2HCH0009" id="link2HCH0009"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + CHAPTER IX + </h2> + <h3> + “Well, the worst of it is over,” said Bunker cheerfully. + </h3> + <p> + The Baron groaned. “Ze vorst is only jost beginning to gommence.” + </p> + <p> + They were sitting over a crackling fire of logs in the sitting-room of the + suite which their host had reserved for his honored visitors. How many + heirlooms and dusky portraits the romantic thoughtfulness of the ladies + had managed to crowd into this apartment for the occasion were hard to + compute; enough, certainly, one would think, to inspire the most + sluggish-blooded Tulliwuddle with a martial exultation. Instead, the + chieftain groaned again. + </p> + <p> + “Tell zem I am ill. I cannot gom to dinner. To-morrow I shall take ze + train back to London. Himmel! Vy vas I fool enof to act soch dishonorable + lies! I deceive all these kind peoples!” + </p> + <p> + “It isn't that which worries me,” said Bunker imperturbably. “I am only + afraid that if you display this spirit you won't deceive them.” + </p> + <p> + “I do not vish to,” said the Baron sulkily. + </p> + <p> + It required half an hour of the Count's most artful blandishments to + persuade him that duty, honor, and prudence all summoned him to the feast. + This being accomplished, he next endeavored to convince him that he would + feel more comfortable in the airy freedom of the Tulliwuddle tartan. But + here the Baron was obdurate. Now that the kilt lay ready to his hand he + could not be persuaded even to look at it. In gloomy silence he donned his + conventional evening dress and announced, last thing before they left + their room— + </p> + <p> + “Bonker, say no more! To-morrow morning I depart!” + </p> + <p> + Their hostess had explained that a merely informal dinner awaited them, + since his lordship (she observed) would no doubt prefer a quiet evening + after his long journey. But Mrs. Gallosh was one of those good ladies who + are fond of asking their friends to take “pot luck,” and then providing + them with fourteen courses; or suggesting a “quiet little evening + together,” when they have previously removed the drawing-room carpet. It + is an affectation of modesty apt to disconcert the retiring guest who + takes them at their word. In the drawing-room of Mrs. Gallosh the startled + Baron found assembled—firstly, the Gallosh family, consisting of all + those whose acquaintance we have already made, and in addition two + stalwart school-boy sons; secondly, their house-party, who comprised a Mr. + and Mrs. Rentoul, from the same metropolis of commerce as Mr. Gallosh, and + a hatchet-faced young man with glasses, answering to the name of Mr. + Cromarty-Gow; and, finally, one or two neighbors. These last included Mr. + M'Fadyen, the large factor; the Established Church, U.F., Wee Free, + Episcopalian, and Original Secession ministers, all of whom, together with + their kirks, flourished within a four-mile radius of the Castle; the wives + to three of the above; three young men and their tutor, being some portion + of a reading-party in the village; and Mrs. Cameron-Campbell and her five + daughters, from a neighboring dower-house upon the loch. + </p> + <p> + It was fortunate that all these people were prepared to be impressed with + Lord Tulliwuddle, whatever he should say or do; and further, that the + unique position of such a famous hereditary magnate even led them to + anticipate some marked deviation from the ordinary canons of conduct. + Otherwise, the gloomy brows; the stare, apparently haughty, in reality + alarmed; the strange accent and the brief responses of the chief guest, + might have caused an unfavorable opinion of his character. + </p> + <p> + As it was, his aloofness, however natural, would probably have proved + depressing had it not been for the gay charm and agreeable condescension + of the other nobleman. Seldom had more rested upon that adventurer's + shoulders, and never had he acquitted himself with greater credit. It was + with considerable secret concern that he found himself placed at the + opposite end of the table from his friend, but his tongue rattled as gaily + and his smiles came as readily as ever. With Mrs. Cameron-Campbell on one + side, and a minister's lady upon the other, his host two places distant, + and a considerable audience of silent eaters within earshot, he + successfully managed to divert the attention of quite half the table from + the chieftain's moody humor. + </p> + <p> + “I always feel at home with a Scotsman,” he discoursed genially. “His + imagination is so quick, his intellect so clear, his honesty so + remarkable, and” (with an irresistible glance at the minister's lady) “his + wife so charming.” + </p> + <p> + “Ha, ha!” laughed Mr. Gallosh, who was mellowing rapidly under the + influence of his own champagne. “I'm verra glad to see you know good folks + when you meet them. What do you think now of the English?” + </p> + <p> + Having previously assured himself that his audience was neat Scotch, the + polished Austrian unblushingly replied— + </p> + <p> + “The Englishman, I have observed, has a slightly slower imagination, a + denser intelligence, and is less conspicuous for perfect honesty. His + womankind also have less of that nameless grace and ethereal beauty which + distinguish their Scottish sisters.” + </p> + <p> + It is needless to say that a more popular visitor never was seen than this + discriminating foreigner, and if his ambitions had not risen above a + merely personal triumph, he would have been in the highest state of + satisfaction. But with a disinterested eye he every now and then sought + the farther end of the table, where, between his hostess and her charming + eldest daughter, and facing his factor, the Baron had to endure his ordeal + unsupported. + </p> + <p> + “I wonder how the devil he's getting on!” he more than once said to + himself. + </p> + <p> + For better or for worse, as the dinner advanced, he began to hear the + Court accent more frequently, till his curiosity became extreme. + </p> + <p> + “His lordship seems in better spirits,” remarked Mr. Gallosh. + </p> + <p> + “I hope to Heaven he may be!” was the fervent thought of Count Bunker. + </p> + <p> + At that moment the point was settled. With his old roar of exuberant gusto + the Baron announced, in a voice that drowned even the five ministers— + </p> + <p> + “Ach, yes, I vill toss ze caber to-morrow! I vill toss him—so high!” + (his napkin flapped upwards). “How long shall he be? So tall as my castle: + Mees Gallosh, you shall help me? Ach, yes! Mit hands so fair ze caber vill + spring like zis!” + </p> + <p> + His pudding-spoon, in vivid illustration, skipped across the table and + struck his factor smartly on the shirt-front. + </p> + <p> + “Sare, I beg your pardon,” he beamed with a graciousness that charmed Mrs. + Gallosh even more than his spirited conversation—“Ach, do not return + it, please! It is from my castle silver—keep it in memory of zis + happy night!” + </p> + <p> + The royal generosity of this act almost reconciled Mrs. Gallosh to the + loss of one of her own silver spoons. + </p> + <p> + “Saved!” sighed Bunker, draining his glass with a relish he had not felt + in any item of the feast hitherto. + </p> + <p> + Now that the Baron's courage had returned, no heraldic lion ever pranced + more bravely. His laughter, his jests, his compliments were showered upon + the delighted diners. Mr. Gallosh and he drank healths down the whole + length of the table “mit no tap-heels!” at least four times. He peeled an + orange for Miss Gallosh, and cut the skin into the most diverting figures, + pressing her hand tenderly as he presented her with these works of art. He + inquired of Mrs. Gallosh the names of the clergymen, and, shouting + something distantly resembling these, toasted them each and all with what + he conceived to be appropriate comments. Finally he rose to his feet, and, + to the surprise and delight of all, delivered the speech they had been + disappointed of earlier in the day. + </p> + <p> + “Goot Mr. Gallosh, fair Mrs. Gallosh, divine Mees Gallosh, and all ze + ladies and gentlemans, how sorry I vas I could not make my speech before, + I cannot eggspress. I had a headache, and vas not vell vithin. Ach, soch + zings vill happen in a new climate. Bot now I am inspired to tell you I + loff you all! I zank you eggstremely! How can I return zis hospitality? I + vill tell you! You must all go to Bavaria and stay mit——” + </p> + <p> + “Tulliwuddle! Tulliwuddle!” shouted Bunker frantically, to the great + amazement of the company. “Allow me to invite the company myself to stay + with me in Bavaria!” + </p> + <p> + The Baron turned crimson, as he realized the abyss of error into which he + had so nearly plunged. Adroitly the Count covered his confusion with a fit + of laughter so ingeniously hearty that in a moment he had joined in it + too. + </p> + <p> + “Ha, ha, ha!” he shouted. “Zat was a leetle joke at my friend's eggspense. + It is here, in my castle, you shall visit me; some day very soon I shall + live in him. Meanvile, dear Mrs. Gallosh, gonsider it your home! For me + you make it heaven, and I cannot ask more zan zat! Now let us gom and have + some fon!” + </p> + <p> + A salvo of applause greeted this conclusion. At the Baron's impetuous + request the cigars were brought into the hall, and ladies and gentlemen + all trooped out together. + </p> + <p> + “I cannot vait till I have seen Miss Gallosh dance ze Highland reel,” he + explained to her gratified mother; “she has promised me.” + </p> + <p> + “But you must dance too, Lord Tulliwuddle,” said ravishing Miss Gallosh. + “You know you said you would.” + </p> + <p> + “A promise to a lady is a law,” replied the Baron gallantly, adding in a + lower tone, “especially to so fair a lady!” + </p> + <p> + “It's a pity his lordship hadn't on his kilt,” put in Mr. Gallosh + genially. + </p> + <p> + “By ze Gad, I vill put him on! Hoch! Ve vill have some fon!” + </p> + <p> + The Baron rushed from the hall, followed in a moment by his noble friend. + Bunker found him already wrapping many yards of tartan about his waist. + </p> + <p> + “But, my dear fellow, you must take off your trousers,” he expostulated. + </p> + <p> + Despite his glee, the Baron answered with something of the Blitzenberg + dignity— + </p> + <p> + “Ze bare leg I cannot show to-night—not to dance mit ze young + ladies. Ven I have practised, perhaps; but not now, Bonker.” + </p> + <p> + Accordingly the portraits of four centuries of Tulliwuddles beheld their + representative appear in the very castle of Hechnahoul with his + trouser-legs capering beneath an ill-hung petticoat of tartan. And, to + make matters worse in their canvas eyes, his own shameless laugh rang + loudest in the mirth that greeted his entrance. + </p> + <p> + “Ze garb of Gaul!” he announced, shaking with hilarity. “Gom, Bonker, + dance mit me ze Highland fling!” + </p> + <p> + The first night of Lord Tulliwuddle's visit to his ancestral halls is + still remembered among his native hills. The Count also, his mind now + rapturously at ease, performed prodigies. They danced together what they + were pleased to call the latest thing in London, sang a duet, waltzed with + the younger ladies, till hardly a head was left unturned, and, in short, + sent away the ministers and their ladies, the five Miss Cameron-Campbells, + the reading-party, and particularly the factor, with a new conception of a + Highland chief. As for the house-party, they felt that they were fortunate + beyond the lot of most ordinary mortals. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2HCH0010" id="link2HCH0010"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + CHAPTER X + </h2> + <p> + The Baron sat among his heirlooms, laboriously disengaging himself from + his kilt. Fitfully throughout this process he would warble snatches of an + air which Miss Gallosh had sung. + </p> + <p> + “Whae vould not dee for Sharlie?” he trolled, “Ze yong chevalier!” + </p> + <p> + “Then you don't think of leaving to-morrow morning?” asked Count Bunker, + who was watching him with a complacent air. + </p> + <p> + “Mein Gott, no fears!” + </p> + <p> + “We had better wait, perhaps, till the afternoon?” + </p> + <p> + “I go not for tree veeks! Gaben sie—das ist, gim'me zat tombler. Vun + more of mountain juice to ze health of all Galloshes! Partic'ly of vun! + Eh, old Bonker?” + </p> + <p> + The Count took care to see that the mountain juice was well diluted. His + friend had already found Scottish hospitality difficult to enjoy in + moderation. + </p> + <p> + “Baron, you gave us a marvellously lifelike representation of a Jacobite + chieftain!” + </p> + <p> + The Baron laughed a trifle vacantly. + </p> + <p> + “Ach, it is easy for me. Himmel, a Blitzenberg should know how! + Vollytoddle—Toddyvolly—whatsh my name, Bonker?” + </p> + <p> + The Count informed him. + </p> + <p> + “Tollivoddlesh is nozing to vat I am at home! Abs'lutely nozing! I have a + house twice as big as zis, and servants—Ach, so many I know not! + Bot, mein Bonker, it is not soch fon as zis! Mein Gott, I most get to bed. + I toss ze caber to-morrow.” + </p> + <p> + And upon the arm of his faithful ally he moved cautiously towards his + bedroom. + </p> + <p> + But if he had enjoyed his evening well, his pleasure was nothing to the + gratification of his hosts. They could not bring themselves to break up + their party for the night: there were so many delightful reminiscences to + discuss. + </p> + <p> + “Of all the evenings ever I spent,” declared Mr. Gallosh, “this fair takes + the cake. Just to think of that aristocratic young fellow being as + companionable-like! When first I put eyes on him, I said to myself—'You're + not for the likes of us. All lords and ladies is your kind. Never a word + did he say in the boat till he heard the pipes play, and then I really + thought he was frightened! It must just have been a kind of home-sickness + or something.” + </p> + <p> + “It'll have been the tuning up that set his teeth on edge,” Mrs. Gallosh + suggested practically. + </p> + <p> + “Or perhaps his heart was stirred with thoughts of the past!” said Miss + Gallosh, her eyes brightening. + </p> + <p> + In any case, all were agreed that the development of his hereditary + instincts had been extraordinarily rapid. + </p> + <p> + “I never really properly talked with a lord before,” sighed Mrs. Rentoul; + “I hope they're all like this one.” + </p> + <p> + Mrs. Gallosh, on the other hand, who boasted of having had one tete-a-tete + and joined in several general conversations with the peerage, appraised + Lord Tulliwuddle with greater discrimination. + </p> + <p> + “Ah, he's got a soupcon!” she declared. “That's what I admire!” + </p> + <p> + “Do you mean his German accent?” asked Mr. Cromarty-Gow, who was renowned + for a cynical wit, and had been seeking an occasion to air it ever since + Lord Tulliwuddle had made Miss Gallosh promise to dance a reel with him. + </p> + <p> + But the feeling of the party was so strongly against a breath of + irreverent criticism, and their protest so emphatic, that he presently + strolled off to the smoking-room, wishing that Miss Gallosh, at least, + would exercise more critical discrimination. + </p> + <p> + “Do you think would they like breakfast in their own room, Duncan?” asked + Mrs. Gallosh. + </p> + <p> + “Offer it them—offer it them; they can but refuse, and it's a kind + of compliment to give them the opportunity.” + </p> + <p> + “His lordship will not be wanting to rise early,” said Mr. Rentoul. “Did + you notice what an amount he could drink, Duncan? Man, and he carried it + fine! But he'll be the better of a sleep-in in the morning, him coming + from a journey too.” + </p> + <p> + Mr. Rentoul was a recognized authority on such questions, having, before + the days of his affluence, travelled for a notable firm of distillers. His + praise of Lord Tulliwuddle's capacity was loudly echoed by Mr. Gallosh, + and even the ladies could not but indulgently agree that he had exhibited + a strength of head worthy of his race. + </p> + <p> + “And yet he was a wee thing touched too,” said Mr. Rentoul sagely. “Maybe + you were too far gone yourself, Duncan, to notice it, and the ladies would + just think it was gallantry; but I saw it in his voice and his legs—oh, + just a wee thingie, nothing to speak of.” + </p> + <p> + “Surely you are mistaken!” cried Miss Gallosh. “Wasn't it only excitement + at finding himself at Hechnahoul?” + </p> + <p> + “There's two kinds of excitement,” answered the oracle. “And this was the + kind I'm best acquaint with. Oh, but it was just a wee bittie.” + </p> + <p> + “And who thinks the worse of him for it?” cried Mr. Gallosh. + </p> + <p> + This question was answered by general acclamation in a manner and with a + spirit that proved how deeply his lordship's gracious behavior had laid + hold of all hearts. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2HCH0011" id="link2HCH0011"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + CHAPTER XI + </h2> + <p> + Breakfast in the private parlor was laid for two; but it was only Count + Bunker, arrayed in a becoming suit of knickerbockers, and looking as fresh + as if he had feasted last night on aerated water, who sat down to consume + it. + </p> + <p> + “Who would be his ordinary everyday self when there are fifty more amusing + parts to play,” he reflected gaily, as he sipped his coffee. “Blitzenberg + and Essington were two conventional members of society, ageing + ingloriously, tamely approaching five-and-thirty in bath-chairs. + Tulliwuddle and Bunker are paladins of romance! We thought we had grown up—thank + Heaven, we were deceived!” + </p> + <p> + Having breakfasted and lit a cigarette, he essayed for the second time to + arouse the Baron; but getting nothing but the most somnolent responses, he + set out for a stroll, visiting the gardens, stables, kennels, and keeper's + house, and even inspecting a likely pool or two upon the river, and making + in the course of it several useful acquaintances among the Tulliwuddle + retainers. + </p> + <p> + When he returned he found the Baron stirring a cup of strong tea and + staring at an ancestral portrait with a thoughtful frown. + </p> + <p> + “They are preparing the caber, Baron,” he remarked genially. + </p> + <p> + “Stoff and nonsense; I vill not fling her!” was the wholly unexpected + reply. “I do not love to play ze fool alvays!” + </p> + <p> + “My dear Baron!” + </p> + <p> + “Zat picture,” said the Baron, nodding his head solemnly towards the + portrait. “It is like ze Lord Tollyvoddle in ze print at ze hotel. I do + believe he is ze same.” + </p> + <p> + “But I explained that he wasn't Tulliwuddle.” + </p> + <p> + “He is so like,” repeated the Baron moodily. “He most be ze same.” + </p> + <p> + Bunker looked at it and shook his head. + </p> + <p> + “A different man, I assure you.” + </p> + <p> + “Oh, ze devil!” replied the Baron. + </p> + <p> + “What's the matter?” + </p> + <p> + “I haff a head zat tvists and turns like my head never did since many + years.” + </p> + <p> + The Count had already surmised as much. + </p> + <p> + “Hang it out of the window,” he suggested. + </p> + <p> + The Baron made no reply for some minutes. Then with an earnest air he + began— + </p> + <p> + “Bonker, I have somezing to say to you.” + </p> + <p> + “You have the most sympathetic audience outside the clan.” + </p> + <p> + The Count's cheerful tone did not seem to please his friend. + </p> + <p> + “Your heart, he is too light, Bonker; ja, too light. Last night you did + engourage me not to be seemly.” + </p> + <p> + “I!” + </p> + <p> + “I did get almost dronk. If my head vas not so hard I should be dronk. Das + ist not right. If I am to be ze Tollyvoddle, it most be as I vould be Von + Blitzenberg. I most not forget zat I am not as ozzer men. I am noble, and + most be so accordingly.” + </p> + <p> + “What steps do you propose to take?” inquired Bunker with perfect gravity. + </p> + <p> + The Baron stared at the picture. + </p> + <p> + “Last night I had a dream. It vas zat man—at least, probably it vas, + for I cannot remember eggsactly. He did pursue me mit a kilt.” + </p> + <p> + “With what did you defend yourself?” + </p> + <p> + “I know not: I jost remember zat it should be a warning. Ve Blitzenbergs + have ze gift to dream.” + </p> + <p> + The Baron rose from the table and lit a cigar. After three puffs he threw + it from him. + </p> + <p> + “I cannot smoke,” he said dismally. “It has a onpleasant taste.” + </p> + <p> + The Count assumed a seriously thoughtful air. + </p> + <p> + “No doubt you will wish to see Miss Maddison as soon as possible and get + it over,” he began. “I have just learned that their place is about seven + miles away. We could borrow a trap this afternoon——” + </p> + <p> + “Nein, nein!” interrupted the Baron. “Donnerwetter! Ach, no, it most not + be so soon. I most practise a leetle first. Not so immediately, Bonker.” + </p> + <p> + Bunker looked at him with a glance of unfathomable calm. + </p> + <p> + “I find that it will be necessary for you to observe one or two ancient + ceremonies, associated from time immemorial with the accession of a + Tulliwuddle. You are prepared for the ordeal?” + </p> + <p> + “I most do my duty, Bonker.” + </p> + <p> + “This suggests some more inspiring vision than the gentleman in the gold + frame,” thought the Count acutely. + </p> + <p> + Aloud he remarked + </p> + <p> + “You have high ideals, Baron.” + </p> + <p> + “I hope so.” + </p> + <p> + Again the Baron was the unconscious object of a humorous, perspicacious + scrutiny. + </p> + <p> + “Last night I did hear zat moch was to be expected from me,” he observed + at length. + </p> + <p> + “From Mrs. Gallosh?” + </p> + <p> + “I do not zink it vas from Mrs. Gallosh.” + </p> + <p> + Count Bunker smiled. + </p> + <p> + “You inflamed all hearts last night,” said he. + </p> + <p> + The Baron looked grave. + </p> + <p> + “I did drink too moch last night. But I did not say vat I should not, eh? + I vas not rude or gross to—Mistair Gallosh?” + </p> + <p> + “Not to Mr. Gallosh.” + </p> + <p> + The Baron looked a trifle perturbed at the gravity of his tone. + </p> + <p> + “I vas not too free, too undignified in presence of zat innocent and + charming lady—Miss Gallosh?” + </p> + <p> + The air of scrutiny passed from Count Bunker's face, and a droll smile + came instead. + </p> + <p> + “Baron, I understand your ideals and I appreciate your motives. As you + suggest, you had better rehearse your part quietly for a few days. Miss + Maddison will find you the more perfect suitor.” + </p> + <p> + The Baron looked as though he knew not whether to feel satisfied or not. + </p> + <p> + “By the way,” said the Count in a moment, “have you written to the + Baroness yet? Pardon me for reminding you, but you must remember that your + letters will have to go out to Russia and back.” + </p> + <p> + The Baron started. + </p> + <p> + “Teufel!” he exclaimed. “I most indeed write.” + </p> + <p> + “The post goes at twelve.” + </p> + <p> + The Baron reflected gloomily, and then slowly moved to the writing-table + and toyed with his pen. A few minutes passed, and then in a fretful voice + he asked— + </p> + <p> + “Vat shall I say?” + </p> + <p> + “Tell her about your journey across Europe—how the crops look in + Russia—what you think of St. Petersburg—that sort of thing.” + </p> + <p> + A silent quarter of an hour went by, and then the Baron burst out + </p> + <p> + “Ach, I cannot write to-day! I cannot invent like you. Ze crops—I + have got zat—and zat I arrived safe—and zat Petersburg is + nice. Vat else?” + </p> + <p> + “Anything you can remember from text-books on Muscovy or illustrated + interviews with the Czar. Just a word or two, don't you know, to show + you've been there; with a few comments of your own.” + </p> + <p> + “Vat like comments?” + </p> + <p> + “Such as—'Somewhat annoyed with bombs this afternoon,' or 'This + caused me to reflect upon the disadvantages of an alcoholic marine'—any + little bit of philosophy that occurs to you.” + </p> + <p> + The Baron pondered. + </p> + <p> + “It is a pity zat I have not been in Rossia,” he observed. + </p> + <p> + “On the other hand, it is a blessing your wife hasn't. Look at the bright + side of things, my dear fellow.” + </p> + <p> + For a short time, from the way in which the Baron took hasty notes in + pencil and elaborated them in ink (according to the system of Professor + Virchausen), it appeared that he was following his friend's directions. + Later, from a sentimental look in his eye, the Count surmised that he was + composing an amorous addendum; and at last he laid down his pen with a + sigh which the cynical (but only the cynical) might have attributed to + relief. + </p> + <p> + “Ha, my head he is getting more clear!” he announced. “Gom, let us present + ourselves to ze ladies, mine Bonker!” + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2HCH0012" id="link2HCH0012"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + CHAPTER XII + </h2> + <h3> + “It is necessary, Bonker—you are sure?” + </h3> + <p> + “No Tulliwuddle has ever omitted the ceremony. If you shirked, I am + assured on the very best authority that it would excite the gravest + suspicions of your authenticity.” + </p> + <p> + Count Bunker spoke with an air of the most resolute conviction. Ever since + they arrived he had taken infinite pains to discover precisely what was + expected of the chieftain, and having by great good luck made the + acquaintance of an elderly individual who claimed to be the piper of the + clan, and who proved a perfect granary of legends, he was able to supply + complete information on every point of importance. Once the Baron had + endeavored to corroborate these particulars by interviewing the piper + himself, but they had found so much difficulty in understanding one + another's dialects that he had been content to trust implicitly to his + friend's information. The Count, indeed, had rather avoided than sought + advice on the subject, and the piper, after several confidential + conversations and the passage of a sum of silver into his sporran, + displayed an equally Delphic tendency. + </p> + <p> + The Baron, therefore, argued the present point no longer. + </p> + <p> + “It is jost a mere ceremony,” he said. “Ach, vell, nozing vill happen. Zis + ghost—vat is his name?” + </p> + <p> + “It is known as the Wraith of the Tulliwuddles. The heir must interview it + within a week of coming to the Castle.” + </p> + <p> + “Vere most I see him?” + </p> + <p> + “In the armory, at midnight. You bring one friend, one candle, and wear a + bonnet with one eagle's feather in it. You enter at eleven and wait for an + hour—and, by the way, neither of you must speak above a whisper.” + </p> + <p> + “Pooh! Jost hombog!” said the Baron valiantly. “I do not fear soch trash.” + </p> + <p> + “When the Wraith appears——” + </p> + <p> + “My goot Bonker, he vill not gom!” + </p> + <p> + “Supposing he does come—and mind you, strange things happen in these + old buildings, particularly in the Highlands, and after dinner; if he + comes, Baron, you must ask him three questions.” + </p> + <p> + The Baron laughed scornfully. + </p> + <p> + “If I see a ghost I vill ask him many interesting questions—if he + does feel cold, and sochlike, eh? Ha, ha!” + </p> + <p> + With an imperturbable gravity that was not without its effect upon the + other, however gaily he might talk, Bunker continued, + </p> + <p> + “The three questions are: first, 'What art thou?' second, 'Why comest thou + here, O spirit?' third, 'What instructions desirest thou to give me?' + Strictly speaking, they ought to be asked in Gaelic, but exceptions have + been made on former occasions, and Mac-Dui—who pipes, by the way, in + the anteroom—assures me that English will satisfy the Wraith in your + case.” + </p> + <p> + The Baron sniffed and laughed, and twirled up the ends of his mustaches + till they presented a particularly desperate appearance. Yet there was a + faint intonation of anxiety in his voice as he inquired— + </p> + <p> + “You vill gom as my friend, of course?” + </p> + <p> + “I? Quite out of the question, I am sorry to say. To bring a foreigner (as + I am supposed to be) would rouse the clan to rebellion. No, Baron, you + have a chance of paying a graceful compliment to your host which you must + not lose. Ask Mr. Gallosh to share your vigil.” + </p> + <p> + “Gallosh—he vould not be moch good sopposing—Ach, but nozing + vill happen! I vill ask him.” + </p> + <p> + The pride of Mr. Gallosh on being selected as his lordship's friend on + this historic occasion was pleasant to witness. + </p> + <p> + “It's just a bit of fiddle-de-dee,” he informed his delighted family. + “Duncan Gallosh to be looking for bogles is pretty ridiculous—but + oh, I can't refuse to disoblige his lordship.” + </p> + <p> + “I should think not, when he's done you the honor to invite you out of all + his friends!” said Mrs. Gallosh warmly. “Eva! do you hear the compliment + that's been paid your papa?” + </p> + <p> + Eva, their fair eldest daughter, came into the room at a run. She had + indeed heard (since the news was on every tongue), and impetuously she + flung her arms about her father's neck. + </p> + <p> + “Oh, papa, do him credit!” she cried; “it's like a story come true! What a + romantic thing to happen!” + </p> + <p> + “What a spirit!” her mother reflected proudly. “She is just the girl for a + chieftain's bride!” + </p> + <p> + That very night was chosen for the ceremony, and eleven o'clock found them + all assembled breathless in the drawing-room: all, save Lord Tulliwuddle + and his host. + </p> + <p> + “Will they have to wait for a whole hour?” asked Mrs. Gallosh in a low + voice. + </p> + <p> + Indeed they all spoke in subdued accents. + </p> + <p> + “I am told,” replied the Count, “that the apparition never appears till + after midnight has struck. Any time between twelve and one he may be + expected.” + </p> + <p> + “Think of the terrible suspense after twelve has passed!” whispered Eva. + </p> + <p> + The Count had thought of this. + </p> + <p> + “I advised Duncan to take his flask,” said Mr. Rentoul, with a solemn + wink. “So he'll not be so badly off.” + </p> + <p> + “Papa would never do such a thing to-night!” cried Eva. + </p> + <p> + “It's always a kind of precaution,” said the sage. + </p> + <p> + Presently Count Bunker, who had been imparting the most terrific + particulars of former interviews with the Wraith to the younger Galloshes, + remarked that he must pass the time by overtaking some pressing + correspondence. + </p> + <p> + “You will forgive me, I hope, for shutting myself up for an hour or so,” + he said to his hostess. “I shall come back in time to learn the results of + the meeting.” + </p> + <p> + And with the loss of his encouraging company a greater uneasiness fell + upon the party. + </p> + <p> + Meanwhile, in a vast cavern of darkness, lit only by the solitary candle, + the Baron and his host endeavored to maintain the sceptical buoyancy with + which they had set forth upon their adventure. But the chilliness of the + room (they had no fire, and it was a misty night with a moaning wind), the + inordinate quantity of odd-looking shadows, and the profound silence, were + immediately destructive to buoyancy and ultimately trying to scepticism. + </p> + <p> + “I wish ze piper vould play,” whispered the Baron. + </p> + <p> + “Mebbe he'll begin nearer the time,” his companion suggested. + </p> + <p> + The Baron shivered. For the first time he had been persuaded to wear the + full panoply of a Highland chief, and though he had exhibited himself to + the ladies with much pride, and even in the course of dinner had promised + Eva Gallosh that he would never again don anything less romantic, he now + began to think that a travelling-rug of the Tulliwuddle tartan would prove + a useful addition to the outfit on the occasion of a midnight vigil. Also + the stern prohibition against talking aloud (corroborated by the piper + with many guttural warnings) grew more and more irksome as the night + advanced. + </p> + <p> + “It's an awesome place,” whispered Mr. Gallosh. + </p> + <p> + “I hardly thought it would have been as lonesome-like.” + </p> + <p> + There was a tremor in his voice that irritated the Baron. + </p> + <p> + “Pooh!” he answered, “it is jost vun old piece of hombog! I do not believe + in soch things myself.” + </p> + <p> + “Neither do I, my lord; oh, neither do I; but—would you fancy a + dram?” + </p> + <p> + “Not for me, I zank you,” said his lordship stiffly. + </p> + <p> + Blessing the foresight of Mr. Rentoul, his host unscrewed his flask and + had a generous swig. As he was screwing on the top again, the Baron, in a + less haughty voice, whispered, + </p> + <p> + “Perhaps jost vun leetle taste.” + </p> + <p> + They felt now for a few minutes more aggressively disposed. + </p> + <p> + “Ve need not have ze curtain shut,” said the Baron. “Soppose you do draw + him?” + </p> + <p> + Through the gloom Mr. Gallosh took one or two faltering steps. + </p> + <p> + “Man, it's awful hard to see one's way,” he said nervously. + </p> + <p> + The Baron took the candle, and with a martial stride escorted him to the + window. They pulled aside one corner of the heavy curtain, and then let it + fall again and hurried back. So far north there was indeed a gleam of + daylight left, but it was such a pale and ghostly ray, and the wreaths of + mist swept so eerily and silently across the pane, that candle-light and + shadows seemed vastly preferable. + </p> + <p> + “How much more time will there be?” whispered Mr. Gallosh presently. + </p> + <p> + “It is twenty-five minutes to twelve.” + </p> + <p> + “Your lordship! Can we leave at twelve?” + </p> + <p> + The Baron started. + </p> + <p> + “Oh, Himmel!” he exclaimed. “Vy did I not realize before? If nozing comes—and + nozing vill come—ve most stay till one, I soppose.” + </p> + <p> + Mr. Gallosh emitted something like a groan. + </p> + <p> + “Oh my, and that candle will not last more than half an hour at the most!” + </p> + <p> + “Teufel!” said the Baron. “It vas Bonker did give him to me. He might have + made a more proper calculation.” + </p> + <p> + The prospect was now gloomy indeed. An hour of candle-light had been bad, + but an hour of pitch darkness or of mist wreaths would be many times + worse. + </p> + <p> + “A wee tastie more, my lord?” Mr. Gallosh suggested, in a voice whose + vibrations he made an effort to conceal. + </p> + <p> + “Jost a vee,” said his lordship, hardly more firmly. + </p> + <p> + With a dismal disregard for their suspense the minutes dragged infinitely + slowly. The flask was finished; the candle guttered and flickered + ominously; the very shadows grew restless. + </p> + <p> + “There's a lot of secret doors and such like in this part of the house—let's + hope there'll be nothing coming through one of them,” said Mr. Gallosh in + a breaking voice. + </p> + <p> + The Baron muttered an inaudible reply, and then with a start their + shoulders bumped together. + </p> + <p> + “Damn it, what's yon!” whispered Mr. Gallosh. + </p> + <p> + “Ze pipes! Gallosh, how beastly he does play!” + </p> + <p> + In point of fact the air seemed to consist of only one wailing note. + </p> + <p> + “Bong!”—they heard the first stroke of midnight on the big clock on + the Castle Tower; and so unfortunately had Count Bunker timed the candle + that on the instant its flame expired. + </p> + <p> + “Vithdraw ze curtains!” gasped the Baron. + </p> + <p> + “I canna, my lord! Oh, I canna!” wailed Mr. Gallosh, breaking out into his + broadest native Scotch. + </p> + <p> + This time the Baron made no movement, and in the palpitating silence the + two sat through one long dark minute after another, till some ten of them + had passed. + </p> + <p> + “I shall stand it no more!” muttered the Baron. “Ve vill creep for ze + door.” + </p> + <p> + “My lord, my lord! For maircy's sake gie's a hold of you!” stammered Mr. + Gallosh, falling on his hands and knees and feeling for the skirt of his + lordship's kilt. + </p> + <p> + But their flight was arrested by a portent so remarkable that had there + been only a single witness one would suppose it to be a figment of his + imagination. Fortunately, however, both the Baron and Mr. Gallosh can + corroborate each detail. About the middle, apparently, of the wall + opposite, an oblong of light appeared in the thickest of the gloom. + </p> + <p> + “Mein Gott!” cried the Baron. + </p> + <p> + “It's filled wi' reek!” gasped Mr. Gallosh. + </p> + <p> + And indeed the space seemed filled with a slowly rising cloud of pungent + blue smoke. Then their horrified eyes beheld the figure of an undoubted + Being hazily outlined behind the cloud, and at the same time the piper, as + if sympathetically aware of the crisis, burst into his most dreadful + discords. A yell rang through the gloom, followed by the sounds of a heavy + body alternately scuffling across the floor and falling prostrate over + unseen furniture. The Baron felt for his host, and realized that this was + the escaping Gallosh. + </p> + <p> + “Tulliwuddle! Speak!” a hollow voice muttered out of the smoke. + </p> + <p> + The Baron has never ceased to exult over the hardihood he displayed in + this unnerving crisis. Rising to his feet and drawing his claymore, he + actually managed to stammer out— + </p> + <p> + “Who—who are you?” + </p> + <p> + The Being (he could now perceive dimly that it was clad in tartan) + answered in the same deep, measured voice— + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + “Your senses to confound and fuddle, + Behold the Wraith of Tulliwuddle!” + </pre> + <p> + This was sufficiently terrifying, one would think, to excuse the Baron for + following the example of his host. But, though he found afterwards that he + must have perspired freely, he courageously stood his ground. + </p> + <p> + “Vy have you gomed here?” he demanded in a voice nearly as hollow as the + Wraith. + </p> + <p> + As solemnly as before the spirit replied— + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + “From Pit that's bottomless and dark— + Methinks I hear it shrieking—Hark!” + </pre> + <p> + (The Baron certainly did hear a tumult that might well be termed infernal; + though whether it emanated from Mr. Gallosh, fiends, or the piper, he + could not at the moment feel certain.) + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + “I came o'er many leagues of heather + To carry back the answer whether + The noble chieftain of my clan + Conducts him like a gentleman.” + </pre> + <p> + After this warning, to put the third question required an effort of the + most supreme resolution. The Baron was equal to it, however. + </p> + <p> + “Vat instroction do you give me?” he managed to utter. + </p> + <p> + In the gravest accents the Wraith chanted— + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + “Hang ever kilt above the knee, + With Usquebaugh be not too free, + When toasts and sic'like games be mooted + See that your dram be well diluted; + And oh, if you'd escape from Hades, + Lord Tulliwuddle, 'ware the ladies!” + </pre> + <p> + The spirit vanished as magically as he had appeared, and with this solemn + warning ringing in his ears, the Baron found himself in inky darkness + again. This time he did not hesitate to grope madly for the door, but + hardly had he reached it, when, with a fresh sensation of horror, he + stumbled upon a writhing form that seemed to be pawing the panels. He was, + fortunately; as quickly reassured by hearing the voice of Mr. Gallosh + exclaim in terrified accents— + </p> + <p> + “I canna find the haundle! Oh, Gosh, where's the haundle?” + </p> + <p> + Being the less frenzied of the two, the Baron did succeed in finding the + handle, and with a gasp of relief burst into the lighted anteroom. The + piper had already departed, and evidently in haste, since he had left some + portion of a bottle of whisky unfinished. This fortunate circumstance + enabled them to recover something of their color, though, even when he + felt his blood warming again, Mr. Gallosh could scarcely speak coherently + of his terrible ordeal. + </p> + <p> + “What an awfu' night! what an awfu' night!” he murmured. “Oh, my lord, + let's get out of this!” + </p> + <p> + He was making for the door when the Baron seized his arm. + </p> + <p> + “Vait!” he cried. “Ze danger is past! Ach, vas I not brave? Did you not + hear me speak to him? You can bear vitness how brave I vas, eh?” + </p> + <p> + “I'll not swear I heard just exactly what passed, my lord. Man, I'll own I + was awful feared!” + </p> + <p> + “Tuts! tuts!” said the Baron kindly. “Ve vill say nozing about zat. You + stood vell by me, I shall say. And you vill tell zem I did speak mit + courage to ze ghost.” + </p> + <p> + “I will that!” said Mr. Gallosh. + </p> + <p> + By the time they reached the drawing-room he had so far recovered his + equanimity as to prove a very creditable witness, and between them they + gave such an account of their adventure as satisfied even the excited + expectations of their friends; though the Baron thought it both prudent + and more becoming his dignity to leave considerable mystery attaching to + the precise revelations of his ancestral spirit. + </p> + <p> + “Bot vere is Bonker?” he asked, suddenly noticing the absence of his + friend. + </p> + <p> + A moment later the Count entered and listened with the greatest interest + to a second (and even more graphic) account of the adventure. More + intimate particulars still were confided to him when they had retired to + their own room, and he appeared as surprised and impressed as any + wraith-seer could desire. As they parted for the night, the Baron started + and sniffed at him. + </p> + <p> + “Vat a strange smell you have!” he exclaimed. + </p> + <p> + “Peat smoke, probably. This fire wouldn't draw.” + </p> + <p> + “Strange!” mused the Baron. “I did smell a leetle smell of zat before + to-night.” + </p> + <p> + “Yes; one notices it all through the house with an east wind.” + </p> + <p> + This seemed to the Baron a complete explanation of the coincidence. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2HCH0013" id="link2HCH0013"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + CHAPTER XIII + </h2> + <p> + At the house in Belgrave Square at present tenanted by the Baron and + Baroness von Blitzenberg, an event of considerable importance had + occurred. This was nothing less than the arrival of the Countess of + Grillyer upon a visit both of affection and state. So important was she, + and so great the attachment of her daughter, that the preparations for her + reception would have served for a reigning sovereign. But the Countess had + an eye as quick and an appetite for respect as exacting as Queen + Elizabeth, and she had no sooner embraced the Baroness and kissed her + ceremoniously upon either cheek, than her glance appeared to seek + something that she deemed should have been there also. + </p> + <p> + “And where is Rudolph?” she demanded. “Is he so very busy that he cannot + spare a moment even to welcome me?” + </p> + <p> + The Baroness changed color, but with as easy an air as she could assume + she answered that Rudolph had most unfortunately been summoned from + England. + </p> + <p> + “Indeed?” observed the Countess, and the observation was made in a tone + that suggested the advisability of a satisfactory explanation. + </p> + <p> + This paragon among mothers and peeresses was a lady of majestic port, + whose ascendant expression and commanding voice were commonly held to + typify all that is best in the feudal system; or, in other words, to + indicate that her opinions had never been contradicted in her life. When + one of these is a firm belief in the holder's divine rights and + semi-divine origin, the effect is undoubtedly impressive. And the Countess + impressed. + </p> + <p> + “My dear Alicia,” said she, when they had settled down to tea and + confidential talk, “you have not yet told me what has taken Rudolph abroad + again so soon.” + </p> + <p> + On nothing had the Baron laid more stress than on the necessity of + maintaining the most profound secrecy respecting his mission. “No, not + even to your mozzer most you say. My love, you vill remember?” had been + almost his very last words before departing for St. Petersburg. His + devoted wife had promised this not once, but many times, while his finger + was being shaken at her, and would have scorned herself had she thought it + possible to break her vows. + </p> + <p> + “That is a secret, mamma,” she declared. + </p> + <p> + Her mother opened her eyes. + </p> + <p> + “A secret from me, Alicia?” + </p> + <p> + “Rudolph made me promise.” + </p> + <p> + “Not to tell your friends—but that hardly was intended to include + your mother.” + </p> + <p> + The Baroness looked uncomfortable. + </p> + <p> + “I—I'm afraid——” she began, and stopped in hesitation. + </p> + <p> + “Did he specifically include me?” demanded the Countess in an altered + tone. + </p> + <p> + “I think, mamma, he did,” her daughter faltered. + </p> + <p> + “Ah!” + </p> + <p> + And there was a world of meaning in that comment. + </p> + <p> + “Believe me, mamma, it is something very, very important, or Rudolph would + certainly have let me tell you all about it.” + </p> + <p> + Lady Grillyer opened her eyes still wider. + </p> + <p> + “Then I am to understand that he wishes to conceal from me anything that + he considers of importance?” + </p> + <p> + “Oh, no! Not that! I only mean that this thing is very secret.” + </p> + <p> + “Alicia,” pronounced the Countess, “when a man specifically conceals + anything from his mother-in-law, you may be quite certain that she ought + to be informed of it at once.” + </p> + <p> + “I—I can't, mamma!” + </p> + <p> + “A trip to Germany—for it is there, I presume, he has gone—back + to the scenes of his bachelorhood, unprotected by the influence of his + wife! Do you call that a becoming procedure?” + </p> + <p> + “But he hasn't gone to Germany.” + </p> + <p> + “He has no business anywhere else!” + </p> + <p> + “You forget his diplomatic duties.” + </p> + <p> + “Ah! He professes to have gone on diplomatic business?” + </p> + <p> + “Professes, mamma?” exclaimed the poor Baroness. “How can you say such a + thing! He certainly has gone on a diplomatic mission!” + </p> + <p> + “To Paris, no doubt?” suggested Lady Grillyer, with an intonation that + made it quite impossible not to contradict her. + </p> + <p> + “Certainly not! He has gone to Russia.” + </p> + <p> + The more the Countess learned, the more anxious she appeared to grow. + </p> + <p> + “To Russia, on a diplomatic mission? This is incredible, Alicia!” + </p> + <p> + “Why should it be incredible?” demanded Alicia, flushing. + </p> + <p> + “Because he is a mere tyro in diplomacy. Because there is a German embassy + at Petersburg, and they would not send a man from London on a mission—at + least, it is most unlikely.” + </p> + <p> + “It seems to me quite natural,” declared the Baroness. + </p> + <p> + She was showing more fight than her mother had ever encountered from her + before, and the opposition seemed to inflame Lady Grillyer's resentment + against the unfilial couple. + </p> + <p> + “You know nothing about it! What is this mission about?” + </p> + <p> + “That certainly is a secret,” said Alicia, relieved that there was + something left to keep her promise over. + </p> + <p> + “Has he gone alone?” + </p> + <p> + “I—I mustn't tell you, mamma.” + </p> + <p> + Alicia's face betrayed this subterfuge. + </p> + <p> + “You do not know yourself, Alicia,” said the Countess incisively. “And so + you need no longer pretend to be keeping a secret from me. It now becomes + our joint business to discover the actual truth. Do not attempt to wrangle + with me further! This investigation is necessary for your peace of mind, + dear.” + </p> + <p> + The unfortunate Baroness dropped a silent tear. Her peace of mind had been + serenely undisturbed till this moment, and now it was only broken by the + thought of her husband's displeasure should he ever learn how she had + disobeyed his injunctions. Further investigation was the very last thing + to cure it, she said to herself bitterly. She looked piteously at her + parent, but there she only saw an expression of concentrated purpose. + </p> + <p> + “Have you any reason, Alicia, to suspect an attachment—an affair of + any kind?” + </p> + <p> + “Mamma!” + </p> + <p> + “Do not jump in that excitable manner. Think quietly. He has evidently + returned to Germany for some purpose which he wishes to conceal from us: + the natural supposition is that a woman is at the bottom of it.” + </p> + <p> + “Rudolph is incapable——” + </p> + <p> + “No man is incapable who is in the full possession of his faculties. I + know them perfectly.” + </p> + <p> + “But, mamma, I cannot bear to think of such a thing!” + </p> + <p> + “That is a merely middle-class prejudice. I can't imagine where you have + picked it up.” + </p> + <p> + In point of fact, during Alicia's girlhood Lady Grillyer had always been + at the greatest pains to preserve her daughter's innocent simplicity, as + being preeminently a more marketable commodity than precocious + worldliness. But if reminded of this she would probably have retorted that + consistency was middle-class also. + </p> + <p> + “I have no reason to suspect anything of the sort,” the Baroness declared + emphatically. + </p> + <p> + Her mother indulged her with a pitying smile and inquired— + </p> + <p> + “What other explanation can you offer? Among his men friends is there + anyone likely to lead him into mischief?” + </p> + <p> + “None—at least——” + </p> + <p> + “Ah!” + </p> + <p> + “He promised me he would avoid Mr. Bunker—I mean Mr. Essington.” + </p> + <p> + The Countess started. She had vivid and exceedingly distasteful + recollections of Mr. Bunker. + </p> + <p> + “That man! Are they still acquainted?” + </p> + <p> + “Acquainted—oh yes; but I give Rudolph credit for more sense and + more truthfulness than to renew their friendship.” + </p> + <p> + The Countess pondered with a very grave expression upon her face, while + Alicia gently wiped her eyes and ardently wished that her honest Rudolph + was here to defend his character and refute these baseless insinuations. + At length her mother said with a brisker air— + </p> + <p> + “Ah! I know exactly what we must do. I shall make a point of seeing Sir + Justin Wallingford tomorrow.” + </p> + <p> + “Sir Justin Wallingford!” + </p> + <p> + “If anybody can obtain private information for us he can. We shall soon + learn whether the Baron has been sent to Russia.” + </p> + <p> + Alicia uttered a cry of protest. Sir Justin, ex-diplomatist, author of a + heavy volume of Victorian reminiscences, and confidant of many public + personages, was one of her mother's oldest friends; but to her he was only + one degree less formidable than the Countess, and quite the last person + she would have chosen for consultation upon this, or indeed upon any other + subject. + </p> + <p> + “I am not going to intrust my husband's secrets to him!” she exclaimed. + </p> + <p> + “I am,” replied the Countess. + </p> + <p> + “But I won't allow it! Rudolph would be——” + </p> + <p> + “Rudolph has only himself to blame. My dear Alicia, you can trust Sir + Justin implicitly. When my child's happiness is at stake I would consult + no one who was not discretion itself. I am very glad I thought of him.” + </p> + <p> + The Baroness burst into tears. + </p> + <p> + “My child, my child!” said her mother compassionately. “The world is no + Garden of Eden, however much we may all try to make it so.” + </p> + <p> + “You—you don't se—seem to be trying now, mamma.” + </p> + <p> + “May Heaven forgive you, my darling,” pronounced the Countess piously. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2HCH0014" id="link2HCH0014"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + CHAPTER XIV + </h2> + <p> + “Sir Justin,” said the Countess firmly, “please tell my daughter exactly + what you have discovered.” + </p> + <p> + Sir Justin Wallingford sat in the drawing-room at Belgrave Square with one + of these ladies on either side of him. He was a tall, gaunt man with a + grizzled black beard, a long nose, and such a formidably solemn expression + that ambitious parents were in the habit of wishing that their offspring + might some day be as wise as Sir Justin Wallingford looked. His fund of + information was prodigious, while his reasoning powers were so remarkable + that he had never been known to commit the slightest action without + furnishing a full and adequate explanation of his conduct. Thus the + discrimination shown by the Countess in choosing him to restore a lady's + peace of mind will at once be apparent. + </p> + <p> + “The results of my inquiries,” he pronounced, “have been on the whole of a + negative nature. If this mission on which the Baron von Blitzenberg + professes to be employed is in fact of an unusually delicate nature, it is + just conceivable that the answer I received from Prince Gommell-Kinchen, + when I sounded him at the Khalifa's luncheon, may have been intended + merely to throw dust in my eyes. At the same time, his highness appeared + to speak with the candor of a man who has partaken, not excessively, you + understand, but I may say freely, of the pleasures of the table.” + </p> + <p> + He looked steadily first at one lady and then at the other, to let this + point sink in. + </p> + <p> + “And what did the Prince say?” asked the Baroness, who, in spite of her + supreme confidence in her husband, showed a certain eager nervousness + inseparable from a judicial inquiry. + </p> + <p> + “He told me—I merely give you his word, and not my own opinion; you + perfectly understand that, Baroness?” + </p> + <p> + “Oh yes,” she answered hurriedly. + </p> + <p> + “He informed me that, in fact, the Baron had been obliged to ask for a + fortnight's leave of absence to attend to some very pressing and private + business in connection with his Silesian estates.” + </p> + <p> + “I think, Alicia, we may take that as final,” said her mother decisively. + </p> + <p> + “Indeed <i>I</i> shan't!” cried Alicia warmly. “That was just an excuse, + of course. Rudolph's business is so very delicate that—that—well, + that you could only expect Prince Gommell-Kinchen to say something of that + sort.” + </p> + <p> + “What do you say to that, Sir Justin?” demanded the Countess. + </p> + <p> + With the air of a man doing what was only his duty, he replied— + </p> + <p> + “I say that I think it is improbable. In fact, since you demand to know + the truth, I may inform you that the Prince added that leave of absence + was readily given, since the Baron's diplomatic duties are merely nominal. + To quote his own words, 'Von Blitzenberg is a nice fellow, and it pleases + the English ladies to play with him.'” + </p> + <p> + Even Lady Grillyer was a trifle taken aback at this description of her + son-in-law, while Alicia turned scarlet with anger. + </p> + <p> + “I don't believe he said anything of the sort!” she cried. “You both of + you only want to hurt me and insult Rudolph! I won't stand it!” + </p> + <p> + She was already on her feet to leave them, when her mother stopped her, + and Sir Justin hastened to explain. + </p> + <p> + “No reflection upon the Baron's character was intended, I assure you. The + Prince merely meant to imply that he represented the social rather than + the business side of the embassy. And both are equally necessary, I assure + you—equally essential, Baroness, believe me.” + </p> + <p> + “In fact,” said the Countess, “the remark comes to this, that Rudolph + would never be sent to Russia, whatever else they might expect of him.” + </p> + <p> + Even through their tears Alicia's eyes brightened with triumph. + </p> + <p> + “But he HAS gone, mamma! I got a letter from him this morning—from + St. Petersburg!” + </p> + <p> + The satisfaction of her two physicians on hearing this piece of good news + took the form of a start which might well have been mistaken for mere + astonishment, or even for dismay. + </p> + <p> + “And you did not tell ME of it!” cried her mother. + </p> + <p> + “Rudolph did not wish me to. I have only told you now to prove how utterly + wrong you both are.” + </p> + <p> + “Let me see this letter!” + </p> + <p> + “Indeed, mamma, I won't!” + </p> + <p> + The two ladies looked at one another with such animosity that Sir Justin + felt called upon to interfere. + </p> + <p> + “Suppose the Baroness were to read us as much as is necessary to convince + us that there is no possibility of a mistake,” he suggested. + </p> + <p> + So profoundly did the Countess respect his advice that she graciously + waived her maternal rights so far as actually following the text with her + eyes went; while her daughter, after a little demur, was induced to depart + this one step further from her husband's injunctions. + </p> + <p> + “You have no objections to my glancing at the post-mark?” said Sir Justin + when this point was settled. + </p> + <p> + With a toss of her head the Baroness silently handed him the envelope. + </p> + <p> + “It seems correct,” he observed cautiously. + </p> + <p> + “But post-marks can be forged, can't they?” inquired the Countess. + </p> + <p> + “I fear they can,” he admitted, with a sorrowful air. + </p> + <p> + Scorning to answer this insinuation, the Baroness proceeded to read aloud + the following extracts: + </p> + <p> + “'I travelled with comfort through Europe, and having by many countries + passed, such as Germany and others, I arrived, my dear Alicia, in + Russia.'” + </p> + <p> + “Is that all he says about his journey?” interrupted Lady Grillyer. + </p> + <p> + “It is certainly a curiously insufficient description of a particularly + interesting route,” commented Sir Justin. + </p> + <p> + “It almost seems as if he didn't know what other countries lie between + England and Russia,” added the Countess. + </p> + <p> + “It only means that he knows geography doesn't interest me!” replied + Alicia. “And he does say more about his journey—'Alone by myself, in + a carriage very quietly I travelled.' And again—'To be observed not + wishing, and strict orders being given to me, with no man I spoke all the + way.' There!” + </p> + <p> + “That certainly makes it more difficult to check his statements,” Sir + Justin admitted. + </p> + <p> + “Ah, he evidently thought of that!” said the Countess. “If he had said + there was anyone with him, we could have asked him afterwards who it was. + What a pity! Read on, my child—we are vastly interested.” + </p> + <p> + Thus encouraged, the Baroness continued + </p> + <p> + “'In Russia the crops are good, and from my window with pleasure I observe + them. Petersburg is a nice town, and I have a pleasant apartment in it!'” + </p> + <p> + “What!” exclaimed the Countess. “He is looking at the crops from his + window in St. Petersburg!” + </p> + <p> + Sir Justin grimly pursed his lips, but his silence was more ominous than + speech. In fact, the Baron's unfortunate effort at realism by the + introduction of his window struck the first blow at his wife's implicit + trust in him. She was evidently a little disconcerted, though she stoutly + declared— + </p> + <p> + “He is evidently living in the suburbs, mamma.” + </p> + <p> + “Will you be so kind as to read on a little farther?” interposed Sir + Justin in a grave voice. + </p> + <p> + “'The following reflections have I made. Russia is very large and cold, + where people in furs are to be seen, and sledges. Bombs are thrown + sometimes, and the marine is not good when it does drink too much.' Now, + mamma, he must have seen these things or he wouldn't put them in his + letter.” + </p> + <p> + The Baroness broke of somewhat hurriedly to make this comment, almost + indeed as though she felt it to be necessary. As for her two comforters, + they looked at one another with so much sorrow that their eyes gleamed and + their lips appeared to smile. + </p> + <p> + “The Baron did not write that letter in Russia,” said Sir Justin + decisively. “Furs are not worn in summer, nor do the inhabitants travel in + sledges at this time of the year.” + </p> + <p> + “But—but he doesn't say he actually saw them,” pleaded the Baroness. + </p> + <p> + “Then that remark, just like the rest of his reflections, makes utter + nonsense,” rejoined her mother. + </p> + <p> + “Is that all?” inquired Sir Justin. + </p> + <p> + “Almost all—all that is important,” faltered the Baroness. + </p> + <p> + “Let us hear the rest,” said her mother inexorably. + </p> + <p> + “There is only a postscript, and that merely says—'The flask that + you filled I thank you for; it was so large that it was sufficient for——' + I can't read the last word.” + </p> + <p> + “Let me see it, Alicia.” + </p> + <p> + A few minutes ago Alicia would have torn the precious letter up rather + than let another eye fall upon it. That her devotion was a little + disturbed was proved by her allowing her two advisers to study even a + single sentence. Keeping her hand over the rest, she showed it to them. + They bent their brows, and then simultaneously exclaimed— + </p> + <p> + “'Us both!'” + </p> + <p> + “Oh, it can't be!” cried the poor Baroness. + </p> + <p> + “It is absolutely certain,” said her mother in a terrible voice—“'It + was so large that it was sufficient for us both!'” + </p> + <p> + “There is no doubt about it,” corroborated Sir Justin sternly. “The + unfortunate young man has inadvertently confessed his deception.” + </p> + <p> + “It cannot be!” murmured the Baroness. “He said at the beginning that he + travelled quite alone.” + </p> + <p> + “That is precisely what condemns him,” said her mother. + </p> + <p> + “Precisely,” reiterated Sir Justin. + </p> + <p> + The Baroness audibly sobbed, while the two patchers of her peace of mind + gazed at her commiserately. + </p> + <p> + “What am I to do?” she asked at length. “I can't believe he really—— + But how am I to find out?” + </p> + <p> + “I shall make further investigations,” promptly replied Sir Justin. + </p> + <p> + “And I also,” added the Countess. + </p> + <p> + “Meanwhile,” said Sir Justin, “we shall be exceedingly interested to learn + what further particulars of his wanderings the Baron supplies you with.” + </p> + <p> + “Yes,” observed the Countess, “he can fortunately be trusted to betray + himself. You will inform me, Alicia, as soon as you hear from him again.” + </p> + <p> + Her daughter made no reply. + </p> + <p> + Sir Justin rose and bade them a grave farewell. + </p> + <p> + “In my daughter's name I thank you cordially,” said the Countess, as she + pressed his hand. + </p> + <p> + “Anything I have done has been a pleasure to me,” he assured them with a + sincerity there was no mistaking. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2HCH0015" id="link2HCH0015"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + CHAPTER XV + </h2> + <p> + In an ancient and delightful garden, where glimpses of the loch below + gleamed through a mass of summer foliage, and the gray castle walls looked + down on smooth, green glades, the Baron slowly paced the shaven turf. But + he did not pace it quite alone, for by his side moved a graceful figure in + a wide, sun-shading hat and a frock entirely irresistible. Beneath the + hat, by bending a little down, you could have seen the dark liquid eyes + and tender lips of Eva Gallosh. And the Baron frequently bent down. + </p> + <p> + “I am proud of everyzing zat I find in my home,” said the Baron gallantly. + </p> + <p> + The lady's color rose, but not apparently in anger. + </p> + <p> + “Ach, here is a pretty leetle seat!” he exclaimed in a tone of pleased + discovery, just as though he had not been leading her insidiously towards + it ever since they, came into the garden. + </p> + <p> + It was, indeed, a most shady and secluded bench, an ideal seat for any + gallant young Baron who had left his Baroness sufficiently far away. He + glanced down complacently upon his brawny knees, displayed (he could not + but think) to great advantage beneath his kilt and sporran, and then with + a tenderer complacency, turned his gaze upon his fair companion. + </p> + <p> + “You say you like me in ze tartan?” he murmured. + </p> + <p> + “I adore everything Highland! Oh, Lord Tulliwuddle, how fortunate you + are!” + </p> + <p> + Nature had gifted Miss Gallosh with a generous share of romantic + sentiment. It was she who had egged on her father to rent this Highland + castle for the summer, instead of chartering a yacht as he had done for + the past few years; and ever since they had come here that sentiment had + grown, till she was ready to don the white cockade and plot a new Jacobite + uprising. Then, while her heart was in this inspired condition, a noble + young chief had stepped in to complete the story. No wonder her dark eyes + burned. + </p> + <p> + “What attachment you must feel for each stone of the Castle!” she + continued in a rapt voice. “How your heart must beat to remember that your + great-grandfather—wasn't his name Fergus?” + </p> + <p> + “Fergus: yes,” said the Baron, blindly but promptly. + </p> + <p> + “No, no; it was Ian, of course.” + </p> + <p> + “Ach, so! Ian he vas.” + </p> + <p> + “You were thinking of his father,” she smiled. + </p> + <p> + “Yes, his fazzer.” + </p> + <p> + She reflected sagely. + </p> + <p> + “I am afraid I get my facts mixed up some times. Ian—ah, Reginald + came before him—not Fergus!” + </p> + <p> + “Reginald—oh yes, so he did!” + </p> + <p> + She looked a trifle disappointed. + </p> + <p> + “If I were you I should know them all by heart,” said she. + </p> + <p> + “I vill learn zem. Oh yes, I most not make soch mistakes.” + </p> + <p> + Indeed he registered a very sincere vow to study his family history that + afternoon. + </p> + <p> + “What was I saying? Oh yes—about your brave great-grandfather. Do + you know, Lord Tulliwuddle, I want to ask you a strange favor? You won't + think it very odd of me?” + </p> + <p> + “Odd? Never! Already it is granted.” + </p> + <p> + “I want to hear from your own lips—from the lips of an actual Lord + Tulliwuddle—the story of your ancestor Ian's exploit.” + </p> + <p> + With beseeching eyes and a face flushed with a sense of her presumption, + she uttered this request in a voice that tore the Baron with conflicting + emotions. + </p> + <p> + “Vich exploit do you mean?” he asked in a kindly voice but with a troubled + eye. + </p> + <p> + “You must know! When he defended the pass, of course.” + </p> + <p> + “Ach, so!” + </p> + <p> + The Baron looked at her, and though he boasted of no such inventive gifts + as his friend Bunker, his ardent heart bade him rather commit himself to + perdition than refuse. + </p> + <p> + “You will tell it to me?” + </p> + <p> + “I vill!” + </p> + <p> + Making as much as possible of the raconteur's privileges of clearing his + throat, settling himself into good position, and gazing dreamily at the + tree-tops for inspiration, he began in a slow, measured voice— + </p> + <p> + “In ze pass he stood. Zen gomed his enemies. He fired his gon and shooted + some dead. Zen did zey run avay. Zat vas vat happened.” + </p> + <p> + When he ventured to meet her candid gaze after thus lamely libelling his + forefather, he was horrified to observe that she had already recoiled some + feet away from him, and seemed still to be in the act of recoiling. + </p> + <p> + “It would have been kinder to tell me at once that I had asked too much!” + she exclaimed in a voice affected by several emotions. “I only wanted to + hear you repeat his death-cry as his foes slew him, so that it might + always seem more real to me. And you snub me like this!” + </p> + <p> + The Baron threw himself upon one knee. + </p> + <p> + “Forgive me! I did jost lose mine head mit your eyes looking so at me! I + get confused, you are so lovely! I did not mean to snob!” + </p> + <p> + In the ardor of his penitence he discovered himself holding her hand; she + no longer seemed to be recoiling; and Heaven knows what might have + happened next if an ostentatious sound of whistling had not come to their + rescue. + </p> + <p> + “Bot you vill forgive?” he whispered, as they sprang up from their shady + seat. + </p> + <p> + “Ye-es,” she answered, just as the serene glance of Count Bunker fell + humorously upon them. + </p> + <p> + “You seem to have been plucking flowers, Tulliwuddle,” he observed. + </p> + <p> + “Flowers? Oh, no.” + </p> + <p> + The Count glanced pointedly at his soiled knee. + </p> + <p> + “Indeed!” said he. “Don't I see traces of a flower-bed?” + </p> + <p> + “I think I should go in,” murmured Eva, and she was gone before the Count + had time to frame a compensating speech. + </p> + <p> + His friend Tulliwuddle looked at him with marked displeasure, yet seemed + to find some difficulty in adequately expressing it. + </p> + <p> + “I do not care for vat you said,” he remarked stiffly. “Nor for ze look + now on your face.” + </p> + <p> + “Baron,” said the Count imperturbably, “what did you tell me the Wraith + said to you—something about 'Beware of the ladies,' wasn't it?” + </p> + <p> + “You do not onderstand. Ze ghost” (he found some difficulty in pronouncing + the spirit's chosen name) “did soppose naturally zat I vas ze real Lord + Tollyvoddle, who is, as you have told me yourself, Bonker, somezing of a + fast fish. Ze varning vas to him obviously, so you should not turn it upon + me.” + </p> + <p> + Bunker opened his eyes. + </p> + <p> + “A deuced ingenious argument,” he commented. “It wouldn't have occurred to + me if you hadn't explained. Then you claim the privilege of wooing whom + you wish?” + </p> + <p> + “Wooing! You forget zat I am married, Bonker.” + </p> + <p> + “Oh no, I remember perfectly.” + </p> + <p> + His tone disturbed the Baron. Taking the Count's arm, he said to him with + moving earnestness— + </p> + <p> + “Have I not told you how constant I am—like ze magnet and ze pole?” + </p> + <p> + “I have heard you employ the simile.” + </p> + <p> + “Ach, bot it is true! I am inside my heart so constant as it is possible! + But I now represent Tollyvoddle, and for his sake most try to do my best.” + </p> + <p> + Again Count Bunker glanced at his knee. + </p> + <p> + “And that is your best, then?” + </p> + <p> + “Listen, Bonker, and try to onderstand—not jost to make jokes. It + appears to me zat Miss Gallosh vill make a good vife to Tollyvoddle. She + is so fair, so amiable, and so rich. Could he do better? Should I not lay + ze foundations of a happy marriage mit her? Soppose ve do get her instead + of Miss Maddison, eh?” + </p> + <p> + His artful eloquence seemed to impress his friend, for he smiled + thoughtfully and did not reply at once. More persuasively than ever the + Baron continued— + </p> + <p> + “I do believe mit patience and mit—er—mit kindness, Bonker, I + might persuade Miss Gallosh to listen to ze proposal of Tollyvoddle. And + vould it not be better far to get him a lady of his own people, and not a + stranger from America? Ve vill not like Miss Maddison, I feel sure. Vy + troble mit her—eh, Bonker?” + </p> + <p> + “But don't you think, Baron, that we ought to give Tulliwuddle his choice? + He may prefer an American heiress to a Scottish.” + </p> + <p> + “Not if he sees Eva Gallosh!” + </p> + <p> + Again the Count gently raised his eyebrows in a way that the Baron could + not help considering unsuitable to the occasion. + </p> + <p> + “On the other hand, Baron, Miss Maddison will probably have five or ten + times as much money as Miss Gallosh. In arranging a marriage for another + man, one must attend to such trifles as a few million dollars more or + less.” + </p> + <p> + For the moment the Baron was silenced, but evidently not convinced. + </p> + <p> + “Supposing I were to call upon the Maddisons as your envoy?” suggested + Bunker, who, to tell the truth, had already begun to tire of a life of + luxurious inaction. + </p> + <p> + “Pairhaps in a few days we might gonsider it.” + </p> + <p> + “We have been here for a week already.” + </p> + <p> + “Ven vould you call?” + </p> + <p> + “To-morrow, for instance.” + </p> + <p> + The Baron frowned; but argument was difficult. + </p> + <p> + “You only jost vill go to see?” + </p> + <p> + “And report to you.” + </p> + <p> + “And suppose she is ogly—or not so nice—or so on——zen + vill I not see her, eh?” + </p> + <p> + “But suppose she is tolerable?” + </p> + <p> + “Zen vill ve give him a choice, and I vill continue to be polite to Miss + Gallosh. Ah, Bonker, she is so nice! He vill not like Miss Maddison so + vell! Himmel, I do admire her!” + </p> + <p> + The Baron's eyes shone with reminiscent affection. + </p> + <p> + “To how many poles is the magnet usually constant?” inquired the Count + with a serious air. + </p> + <p> + The Baron smiled a little foolishly, and then, with a confidential air, + replied— + </p> + <p> + “Ach, Bonker, marriage is blessed and it is happy, and it is everyzing + that my heart desires; only I jost sometimes vish it vas not qvite—qvite + so uninterruptable!” + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2HCH0016" id="link2HCH0016"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + CHAPTER XVI + </h2> + <p> + In a dog-cart borrowed from his obliging host, Count Bunker approached the + present residence of Mr. Darius P. Maddison. He saw, and—in his + client's interest—noted with approval the efforts that were being + made to convert an ordinary fishing-lodge into a suitable retreat for a + gentleman worth so many million dollars. “Corryvohr,” as the house was + originally styled, or “Lincoln Lodge,” as the patriotic Silver King had + re-named it, had already been enlarged for his reception by the addition + of four complete suites of apartments, each suitable for a nobleman and + his retinue, an organ hall, 10,000 cubic yards of scullery accommodation, + and a billiard-room containing three tables. But since he had taken up his + residence there he had discovered the lack of several other essentials for + a quiet “mountain life” (as he appropriately phrased it), and these + defects were rapidly being remedied as our friend drove up. The + conservatory was already completed, with the exception of the orchid and + palm houses; the aviary was practically ready, and several crates of the + rarer humming-birds were expected per goods train that evening; while a + staff of electricians could be seen erecting the private telephone by + which Mr. Maddison proposed to keep himself in touch with the silver + market. + </p> + <p> + The Count had no sooner pressed the electric bell than a number of + men-servants appeared, sufficient to conduct him in safety to a handsome + library fitted with polished walnut, and carpeted as softly as the moss on + a mountain-side. Having sent in his card, he entertained himself by gazing + out of the window and wondering what strange operation was being conducted + on a slope above the house, where a grove of pines were apparently being + rocked to and fro by a concourse of men with poles and pulleys. But he had + not to wait long, for with a promptitude that gave one some inkling of the + secret of Mr. Maddison's business success, the millionaire entered. + </p> + <p> + In a rapid survey the Count perceived a tall man in the neighborhood of + sixty: gray-haired, gray-eyed, and gray-faced. The clean-shaved and + well-cut profile included the massive foundation of jaw which Bunker had + confidently anticipated, and though his words sounded florid in a European + ear, they were uttered in a voice that corresponded excellently with this + predominant chin. + </p> + <p> + “I am very pleased to see you, sir, very pleased indeed,” he assured the + Count not once but several times, shaking him heartily by the hand and + eyeing him with a glance accustomed to foresee several days before his + fellows the probable fluctuations in the price of anything. + </p> + <p> + “I have taken the liberty of calling upon you in the capacity of Lord + Tulliwuddle's confidential friend,” the Count began. “He is at present, as + you may perhaps have learned, visiting his ancestral possessions——” + </p> + <p> + “My dear sir, for some days we have been expecting his lordship and + yourself to honor us with a visit,” Mr. Maddison interposed. “You need not + trouble to introduce yourself. The name of Count Bunker is already + familiar to us.” + </p> + <p> + He bowed ceremoniously as he spoke, and the Count with no less politeness + laid his hand upon his heart and bowed also. + </p> + <p> + “I looked forward to the meeting with pleasure,” he replied. “But it has + already exceeded my anticipations.” + </p> + <p> + He would have still further elaborated these assurances, but with his + invariable tact he perceived a shrewd look in the millionaire's eye that + warned him he had to do with a man accustomed to flowery preliminaries + from the astutest manipulators of a deal. + </p> + <p> + “I am only sorry you should find our little cottage in such disorder,” + said Mr. Maddison. “The contractor for the conservatory undertook to erect + it in a week, and my only satisfaction is that he is now paying me a + forfeit of 500 dollars a day. As for the electricians in this country, + sir, they are not incompetent men, but they must be taught to hustle if + they are to work under American orders; and I don't quite see how they are + to find a job anyways else.” + </p> + <p> + He turned to the window with a more satisfied air. + </p> + <p> + “Here, however, you will perceive a tolerably satisfactory piece of work. + I guess those trees will be ready pretty near as soon as the capercailzies + are ready for them.” + </p> + <p> + Count Bunker opened his eyes. + </p> + <p> + “Do I understand that you are erecting a pine wood?” + </p> + <p> + “You do. That fir forest is my daughter's notion. She thought ordinary + plane-trees looked kind of unsuitable for our mountain home. The land of + Burns and of the ill-fated Claverhouse, Viscount Dundee, should have more + appropriate foliage than that! Well, sir, it took four hundred men just + three days to remove the last traces of the last root of the last of those + plane-trees.” + </p> + <p> + “And the pines, I suppose, you brought from a neighboring wood?” said the + Count, patriotically endeavoring not to look too dumbfoundered. + </p> + <p> + “No, sir. Lord Tulliwuddle's factor was too slow for me—said he must + consult his lordship before removing the timber on the estate. I cabled to + Norway: the trees arrived yesterday in Aberdeen, and I guess half of them + are as near perpendicular by now as a theodolite can make them. They are + being erected, sir, on scientific principles.” + </p> + <p> + Restraining his emotion with a severe effort, Bunker quietly observed + </p> + <p> + “Very good idea. I don't know that it would have occurred to me to land + them at Aberdeen.” + </p> + <p> + From the corner of his eye he saw that his composure had produced a + distinct impression, but he found it hard to retain it through the Silver + King's next statement. + </p> + <p> + “You have taken a long lease of Lincoln Lodge, I presume?” he inquired. + </p> + <p> + “One year,” said Mr. Maddison. “But I reckon to be comfortable if I'm + spending twenty minutes at a railroad junction.” + </p> + <p> + “Ah!” responded the Count, “in that case shifting a forest must be + child's-play.” + </p> + <p> + The millionaire smiled affably at this pleasantry and invited his guest to + be seated. + </p> + <p> + “You will try something American, I hope, Count Bunker?” he asked, + touching the bell. + </p> + <p> + Count Bunker, rightly conceiving this to indicate a cock-tail, replied + that he would, and in as nearly seven and a half seconds as he could + calculate, a tray appeared with two of these remarkable compounds. + Following his host's example, the Count threw his down at a gulp. + </p> + <p> + “The same,” said Mr. Maddison simply. And in an almost equally brief space + the same arrived. + </p> + <p> + “Now,” said he, when they were alone again, “I hope you will pardon me, + Count, if I am discourteous enough to tell you that my time is + uncomfortably cramped. When I first came here I found that I was expected + to stand upon the shore of the river for two hours on the chance of + catching one salmon. But I have changed all that. As soon as I step + outside my door, my ghillie brings me my rod, and if there ain't a salmon + at the end for me to land, another ghillie will receive his salary. Since + lunch I have caught a fish, despatched fifteen cablegrams, and dictated + nine letters. I am only on holiday here, and if I don't get through double + that amount in the next two hours I scarcely see my way to do much more + fishing to-day. That being so, let us come right to the point. You bring + some kind of proposition from Lord Tulliwuddle, I guess?” + </p> + <p> + During his drive the Count had cogitated over a number of judicious + methods of opening the delicate business; but his adaptability was equal + to the occasion. In as business-like a tone as his host, he replied— + </p> + <p> + “You are quite right, Mr. Maddison. Lord Tulliwuddle has deputed me to + open negotiations for a certain matrimonial project.” + </p> + <p> + Mr. Maddison's expression showed his appreciation of this candor and + delicacy. + </p> + <p> + “Well,” said he, “to be quite frank, Count, I should have thought all the + better of his lordship if he had been a little more prompt about the + business.” + </p> + <p> + “It is not through want of admiration for Miss Maddison, I assure you——” + </p> + <p> + “No,” interrupted Mr. Maddison, “it is because he does not realize the + value of time—which is considerably more valuable than admiration, I + can assure you. Since I discussed the matter with Lord Tulliwuddle's aunt + we have had several more buyers—I should say, suitors—in the + market—er—in the field, Count Bunker. But so far, fortunately + for his lordship, my Eleanor has not approved of the samples sent, and if + he still cares to come forward we shall be pleased to consider his + proposition.” + </p> + <p> + The millionaire looked at him out of an impenetrable eye; and the Count in + an equally guarded tone replied, + </p> + <p> + “I greatly approve of putting things on so sound a footing, and with equal + frankness I may tell you—in confidence, of course—that Lord + Tulliwuddle also is not without alternatives. He would, however, prefer to + offer his title and estates to Miss Maddison, provided that there is no + personal objection to be found on either side.” + </p> + <p> + Mr. Maddison's eye brightened and his tone warmed. + </p> + <p> + “Sir,” said he, “I guess there won't be much objection to Eleanor Maddison + when your friend has seen her. Without exaggeration, I may say that she is + the most beautiful girl in America, and that is to say, the most beautiful + girl anywhere. The precise amount of her fortune we can discuss, supposing + the necessity arrives: but I can assure you it will be sufficient to set + three of your mortgaged British aristocrats upon their legs again. No, + sir, the objection will not come from THAT side!” + </p> + <p> + With a gentle smile and a deprecatory gesture the Count answered, “I am + convinced that Miss Maddison is all—indeed, more than all—your + eloquence has painted. On the other hand, I trust that you will not be + disappointed in my friend Tulliwuddle.” + </p> + <p> + Mr. Maddison crossed his legs and interlocked his fingers like a man about + to air his views. This, in fact, was what he proceeded to do. + </p> + <p> + “My opinion of aristocracies and the pampered individuals who compose them + is the opinion of an intelligent and enlightened democrat. I see them from + the vantage-ground of a man who has made his own way in the world + unhampered by ancestry, who has dwelt in a country fortunately + unencumbered by such hindrances to progress, and who has no personal + knowledge of their defects. You will admit that I speak with unusual + opportunities of forming a judgment?” + </p> + <p> + “You should have the impartiality of a missionary,” said Bunker gravely. + </p> + <p> + “That is so, sir. Now, in proposing to marry my daughter to a member of + this class, I am actuated solely by a desire to take advantage of the + opportunities such an alliance would confer. I am still perfectly clear?” + </p> + <p> + “Perfectly,” replied Bunker, with the same profound gravity. + </p> + <p> + “In consequence,” resumed the millionaire, with the impressiveness of a + logician drawing a conclusion from two irrefutable premises—“in + consequence, Count Bunker, I demand—and my daughter demands—and + my son demands, sir, that the nobleman should possess an unusual number of + high-class, fire-proof, expert-guaranteed qualities. That is only fair, + you must admit?” + </p> + <p> + “I agree with you entirely.” + </p> + <p> + Mr. Maddison glanced at the clock and sprang to his feet. + </p> + <p> + “I have not the pleasure of knowing my neighbor, Mr. Gallosh,” he said, + resuming his brisk business tone; “but I beg you to convey to him and to + his wife and daughter my compliments—and my daughter's compliments—and + tell them that we hope they will excuse ceremony and bring Lord + Tulliwuddle to luncheon to-morrow.” + </p> + <p> + Count Bunker expressed his readiness to carry this message, and the + millionaire even more briskly resumed— + </p> + <p> + “I shall now give myself the pleasure of presenting you to my son and + daughter.” + </p> + <p> + With his swiftest strides he escorted his distinguished guest to another + room, flung the door open, announced, “My dears, Count Bunker!” and + pressed the Count's hand even as he was effecting this introduction. + </p> + <p> + “Very pleased to have met you, Count. Good day,” he ejaculated, and + vanished on the instant. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2HCH0017" id="link2HCH0017"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + CHAPTER XVII + </h2> + <p> + Raising his eyes after the profound bow which the Count considered + appropriate to his character of plenipotentiary, he beheld at last the + object of his mission; and whether or not she was the absolutely peerless + beauty her father had vaunted, he at once decided that she was lovely + enough to grace Hechnahoul, or any other, Castle. Black eyes and a mass of + coal-black hair, an ivory pale skin, small well-chiselled features, and + that distinctively American plumpness of contour—these marked her + face; while as for her figure, it was the envy of her women friends and + the distraction of all mankind who saw her. + </p> + <p> + “Fortunate Baron!” thought Bunker. + </p> + <p> + Beside her, though sufficiently in the rear to mark the relative position + of the sexes in the society they adorned, stood Darius P. Maddison, junior—or + “Ri,” in the phrase of his relatives and friends—a broad-shouldered, + well-featured young man, with keen eyes, a mouth compressed with the stern + resolve to die richer than Mr. Rockefeller, and a pair of perfectly ironed + trousers. + </p> + <p> + “I am very delighted to meet you,” declared the heiress. + </p> + <p> + “Very honored to have this pleasure,” said the brother. + </p> + <p> + “While I enjoy both sensations,” replied the Count, with his most + agreeable smile. + </p> + <p> + A little preliminary conversation ensued, in the course of which the two + parties felt an increasing satisfaction in one another's society; while + Bunker had the further pleasure of enjoying a survey of the room in which + they sat. Evidently it was Miss Maddison's peculiar sanctum, and it + revealed at once her taste and her power of gratifying it. The tapestry + that covered two sides of the room could be seen at a glance to be no mere + modern imitation, but a priceless relic of the earlier middle ages. The + other walls were so thickly hung with pictures that one could scarcely see + the pale-green satin beneath; and among these paintings the Count's + educated eye recognized the work of Raphael, Botticelli, Turner, and + Gainsborough among other masters; while beneath the cornice hung a + well-chosen selection from the gems of the modern Anglo-American school. + The chairs and sofa were upholstered in a figured satin of a slightly + richer hue of green, and on several priceless oriental tables lay + displayed in ivory, silver, crystal, and alabaster more articles of vertu + than were to be found in the entire house of an average collector. + </p> + <p> + “Fortunate Tulliwuddle!” thought Bunker. + </p> + <p> + They had been conversing on general topics for a few minutes, when Miss + Maddison turned to her brother and said, with a frankness that both + pleased and entertained the Count— + </p> + <p> + “Ri, dear, don't you think we had better come right straight to the point? + I feel sure Count Bunker is only waiting till he knows us a little better, + and I guess it will save him considerable embarrassment if we begin.” + </p> + <p> + “You are the best judge, Eleanor. I guess your notions are never far of + being all right.” + </p> + <p> + With a gratified smile Eleanor addressed the Count. + </p> + <p> + “My brother and I are affinities,” she said. “You can speak to him just as + openly as you can to me. What is fit for me to hear is fit for him.” + </p> + <p> + Assuring her that he would not hesitate to act upon this guarantee if + necessary, the Count nevertheless diplomatically suggested that he would + sooner leave it to the lady to open the discussion. + </p> + <p> + “Well,” she said, “I suppose we may presume you have called here as Lord + Tulliwuddle's friend?” + </p> + <p> + “You may, Miss Maddison.” + </p> + <p> + “And no doubt he has something pretty definite to suggest?” + </p> + <p> + “Matrimony,” smiled the Count. + </p> + <p> + Her brother threw him a stern smile of approval. + </p> + <p> + “That's right slick THERE!” he exclaimed. + </p> + <p> + “Lord Tulliwuddle has made a very happy selection in his ambassador,” said + Eleanor, with equal cordiality. “People who are afraid to come to facts + tire me. No doubt you will think it strange and forward of me to talk in + this spirit, Count, but if you'd had to go through the worry of being an + American heiress in a European state you would sympathize. Why, I'm hardly + ever left in peace for twenty-four hours—am I, Ri?” + </p> + <p> + “That is so,” quoth Ri. + </p> + <p> + “What would you guess my age to be, Count Bunker?” + </p> + <p> + “Twenty-one,” suggested Bunker, subtracting two or three years on general + principles. + </p> + <p> + “Well, you're nearer it than most people. Nineteen on my last birthday, + Count!” + </p> + <p> + The Count murmured his surprise and pleasure, and Ri again declared, “That + is so.” + </p> + <p> + “And it isn't the American climate that ages one, but the terrible + persecutions of the British aristocracy! I can be as romantic as any girl, + Count Bunker; why, Ri, you remember poor Abe Sellar and the stolen + shoe-lace?” + </p> + <p> + “Guess I do!” said Ri. + </p> + <p> + “That was a romance if ever there was one! But I tell you, Count, + sentiment gets rubbed off pretty quick when you come to a bankrupt Marquis + writing three ill-spelled sheets to assure me of the disinterested + affection inspired by my photograph, or a divorced Duke offering to read + Tennyson to me if I'll hire a punt!” + </p> + <p> + “I can well believe it,” said the Count sympathetically. + </p> + <p> + “Well, now,” the heiress resumed, with a candid smile that made her + cynicism become her charmingly, “you see how it is. I want a man one can + RESPECT, even if he is a peer. He may have as many titles as dad has + dollars, but he must be a MAN!” + </p> + <p> + “That is so,” said Ri, with additional emphasis. + </p> + <p> + “I can guarantee Lord Tulliwuddle as a model for a sculptor and an + eligible candidate for canonization,” declared the Count. + </p> + <p> + “I guess we want something grittier than that,” said Ri. + </p> + <p> + “And what there is of it sounds almost too good news to be true,” added + his sister. “I don't want a man like a stained-glass window, Count; + because for one thing I couldn't get him.” + </p> + <p> + “If you specify your requirements we shall do our best to satisfy you,” + replied the Count imperturbably. + </p> + <p> + “Well, now,” said Eleanor thoughtfully, “I may just as well tell you that + if I'm going to take a peer—and I must own peers are rather my fancy + at present—it was Mohammedan pashas last year, wasn't it, Ri?” + (“That is so,” from Ri.)—“If I AM going to take a peer, I must have + a man that LOOKS a peer. I've been plagued with so many undersized and + round-shouldered noblemen that I'm beginning to wonder whether the + aristocracy gets proper nourishment. How tall is Lord Tulliwuddle?” + </p> + <p> + “Six feet and half an inch.” + </p> + <p> + “That's something more like!” said Ri; and his sister smiled her + acquiescence. + </p> + <p> + “And does he weigh up to it?” she inquired. + </p> + <p> + “Fourteen, twelve, and three-quarters.” + </p> + <p> + “What's that in pounds, Ri? We don't count people in stones in America.” + </p> + <p> + A tense frown, a nervous twitching of the lip, and in an instant the young + financier produced the answer: + </p> + <p> + “Two hundred and nine pounds all but four ounces.” + </p> + <p> + “Well,” said Eleanor, “it all depends on how he holds himself. That's a + lot to carry for a young man.” + </p> + <p> + “He holds himself like one of his native pine-trees, Miss Maddison!” + </p> + <p> + She clapped her hands. + </p> + <p> + “Now I call that just a lovely metaphor, Count Bunker!” she cried. “Oh, if + he's going to look like a pine, and walk like the pipers at the + Torrydhulish gathering, and really be a chief like Fergus MacIvor or + Roderick Dhu, I do believe I'll actually fall in love with him!” + </p> + <p> + “Say, Count,” interposed Ri, “I guess we've heard he's half German.” + </p> + <p> + “It was indeed in Germany that he learned his thorough grasp of politics, + statesmanship, business, and finance, and acquired his lofty ambitions and + indomitable perseverance.” + </p> + <p> + “He'll do, Eleanor,” said the young man. “That's to say, if he is anything + like the prospectus.” + </p> + <p> + His sister made no immediate reply. She seemed to be musing—and not + unpleasantly. + </p> + <p> + At that moment a motor car passed the window. + </p> + <p> + “My!” exclaimed Eleanor, “I'd quite forgot! That will be to take the + Honorable Stanley to the station. We must say good-by to him, I suppose.” + </p> + <p> + She turned to the Count and added in explanation— + </p> + <p> + “The last to apply was the Honorable Stanley Pilkington—Lord + Didcott's heir, you know. Oh, if you could see him, you'd realize what + I've had to go through!” + </p> + <p> + Even as she spoke he was given the opportunity, for the door somewhat + diffidently opened and an unhappy-looking young man came slowly into the + room. He was clearly to be classified among the round-shouldered + ineligibles; being otherwise a tall and slender youth, with an amiable + expression and a smoothly well-bred voice. + </p> + <p> + “I've come to say good-by, Miss Maddison,” he said, with a mournful air. + “I—I've enjoyed my visit very much,” he added, as he timidly shook + her hand. + </p> + <p> + “So glad you have, Mr. Pilkington,” she replied cordially. “It has been a + very great pleasure to entertain you. Our friend Count Bunker—Mr. + Pilkington.” + </p> + <p> + The young man bowed with a look in his eye that clearly said— + </p> + <p> + “The next candidate, I perceive.” + </p> + <p> + Then having said good-by to Ri, the Count heard him murmur to Eleanor— + </p> + <p> + “Couldn't you—er—couldn't you just manage to see me off?” + </p> + <p> + “With very great pleasure!” she replied in a hearty voice that seemed + curiously enough rather to damp than cheer his drooping spirits. + </p> + <p> + No sooner had they left the room together than Darius, junior, turned + energetically to his guest, and said in a voice ringing with pride— + </p> + <p> + “You may not believe me, Count, but I assure you that is the third fellow + she has seen to the door inside a fortnight! One Duke, one Viscount—who + will expand into something more considerable some day—and this + Honorable Pilkington! Your friend, sir, will be a fortunate man if he is + able to please my sister.” + </p> + <p> + “She seems, indeed, a charming girl.” + </p> + <p> + “Charming! She is an angel in human form! And I, sir, her brother, will + see to it that she is not deceived in the man she chooses—not if I + can help it!” + </p> + <p> + The young man said this with such an air as Bunker supposed his + forefathers to have worn when they hurled the tea into Boston harbor. + </p> + <p> + “I trust that Lord Tulliwuddle, at least, will not fall under your + displeasure, sir,” he replied with an air of sincere conviction that + exactly echoed his thoughts. + </p> + <p> + “Oh, Ri!” cried Eleanor, running back into the room, “he was so sweet as + he said good-by in the hall that I nearly kissed him! I would have, only + it might have made him foolish again. But did you see his shoulders, + Count! And oh, to think of marrying a gentle thing like that! Is Lord + Tulliwuddle a firm man, Count Bunker?” + </p> + <p> + “Adamant—when in the right,” the Count assured her. + </p> + <p> + A renewed air of happy musing in her eyes warned him that he had probably + said exactly enough, and with the happiest mean betwixt deference and + dignity he bade them farewell. + </p> + <p> + “Then, Count, we shall see you all to-morrow,” said Eleanor as they + parted. “Please tell your hosts that I am very greatly looking forward to + the pleasure of knowing them. There is a Miss Gallosh, isn't there?” + </p> + <p> + The Count informed her that there was in fact such a lady. + </p> + <p> + “That is very good news for me! I need a girl friend very badly, Count; + these proposals lose half their fun with only Ri to tell them to. I intend + to make a confidante of Miss Gallosh on the spot!” + </p> + <p> + “H'm,” thought the Count, as he drove away, “I wonder whether she will.” + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2HCH0018" id="link2HCH0018"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + CHAPTER XVIII + </h2> + <p> + As the plenipotentiary approached the Castle he was somewhat surprised to + pass a dog-cart containing not only his fellow-guest, Mr. Cromarty-Gow, + but Mr. Gow's luggage also, and although he had hitherto taken no + particular interest in that gentleman, yet being gifted with the true + adventurer's instinct for promptly investigating any unusual circumstance, + he sought his host as soon as he reached the house, with a view to putting + a careless question or two. For no one, he felt sure, had been expected to + leave for a few days to come. + </p> + <p> + “Yes,” said Mr. Gallosh, “the young spark's off verra suddenly. We didn't + expect him to be leaving before Tuesday. But—well, the fact is—umh'm—oh, + it's nothing to speak off.” + </p> + <p> + This reticence, however, was easily cajoled away by the insidious Count, + and at last Mr. Gallosh frankly confided to him— + </p> + <p> + “Well, Count, between you and me he seems to have had a kind of fancy for + my daughter Eva, and then his lordship coming—well, you'll see for + yourself how it was.” + </p> + <p> + “He considered his chances lessened?” + </p> + <p> + “He told Rentoul they were clean gone.” + </p> + <p> + Count Bunker looked decidedly serious. + </p> + <p> + “The devil!” he reflected. “The Baron is exceeding his commission. + Tulliwuddle is a brisk young fellow, but to commit him to two marriages is + neither Christian nor kind. And, without possessing the Baron's remarkable + enthusiasm for the sex, I feel sorry for whichever lady is not chosen to + cut the cake.” + </p> + <p> + He inquired for his friend, and was somewhat relieved to learn that though + he had gone out on the loch with Miss Gallosh, they had been accompanied + by her brothers and sisters. + </p> + <p> + “We still have half an hour before dressing,” he said. “I shall stroll + down and meet them.” + </p> + <p> + His creditable anxiety returned when, upon the path to the loch shore, he + met the two Masters and the two younger Misses Gallosh returning without + their sister. + </p> + <p> + “Been in different boats, have you?” said he, after they had explained + this curious circumstance; “well, I hope you all had a good sail.” + </p> + <p> + To himself he uttered a less philosophical comment, and quickened his + stride perceptibly. He reached the shore, but far or near was never a sign + of boat upon the waters. + </p> + <p> + “Have they gone down!” he thought. + </p> + <p> + Just then he became aware of a sound arising from beneath the wooded bank + a short distance away. It was evidently intended to be muffled, but the + Baron's lungs were powerful, and there was no mistaking his deep voice as + he sang— + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + “'My loff she's like a red, red rose + Zat's newly sprong in June! + My loff she's like a melody + Zat's sveetly blayed in tune! +</pre> + <p> + Ach, how does he end?” + </p> + <p> + Before his charmer had time to prompt him, the Count raised his own + tolerably musical voice and replied— + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + “'And fare thee weel, my second string! + And fare thee weel awhile! + I won t come back again, my love, + For tis ower mony mile! +</pre> + <p> + For an instant there followed a profound silence, and then the voice of + the Baron replied, with somewhat forced mirth— + </p> + <p> + “Vary goot, Bonker! Ha, ha! Vary goot!” + </p> + <p> + Meanwhile Bunker, without further delay, was pushing his way through a + tangle of shrubbery till in a moment he spied the boat moored beneath the + leafy bank, and although it was a capacious craft he observed that its two + occupants were both crowded into one end. + </p> + <p> + “I am sent to escort you back to dinner,” he said blandly. + </p> + <p> + “Tell zem ve shall be back in three minutes,” replied the Baron, making a + prodigious show of preparation for coming ashore. + </p> + <p> + “I am sorry to say that my orders were strictly to escort, not to herald + you,” said the Count apologetically. + </p> + <p> + Fortifying himself against unpopularity by the consciousness that he was + doing his duty, this well-principled, even if spurious, nobleman paced + back towards the house with the lady between him and the indignant Baron. + </p> + <p> + “Well, Tulliwuddle,” he discoursed, in as friendly a tone as ever, “I left + your cards with our American neighbors.” + </p> + <p> + “So?” muttered the Baron stolidly. + </p> + <p> + “They received me with open arms, and I have taken the liberty of + accepting on behalf of Mr., Mrs., and Miss Gallosh, and of our two selves, + a very cordial invitation to lunch with them to-morrow.” + </p> + <p> + “Impossible!” cried the Baron gruffly. + </p> + <p> + Eva turned a reproachful eye upon him. + </p> + <p> + “Oh, Lord Tulliwuddle! I should so like to go.” + </p> + <p> + The Baron looked at her blankly. + </p> + <p> + “You vould!” + </p> + <p> + “I have heard they are such nice people, and have such a beautiful place!” + </p> + <p> + “I can confirm both statements,” said the Count heartily. + </p> + <p> + “Besides, papa and mamma would be very disappointed if we didn't go.” + </p> + <p> + “Make it as you please,” said the Baron gloomily. + </p> + <p> + His unsuspicious hosts heard of the invitation with such outspoken + pleasure that their honored guest could not well renew his protest. He had + to suffer the arrangement to be made; but that night when he and Bunker + withdrew to their own room, the Count perceived the makings of an + argumentative evening. + </p> + <p> + “Sometimes you interfere too moch,” the Baron began without preamble. + </p> + <p> + “Do you mind being a little more specific?” replied the Count with smiling + composure. + </p> + <p> + “Zere vas no hurry to lonch mit Maddison.” + </p> + <p> + “I didn't name the date.” + </p> + <p> + “You might have said next veek.” + </p> + <p> + “By next week Miss Maddison may be snapped up by some one else.” + </p> + <p> + “Zen vould Tollyvoddle be more lucky! I have nearly got for him ze most + charming girl, mit as moch money as he vants. Ach, you do interfere! You + should gonsider ze happiness of Tollyvoddle.” + </p> + <p> + “That is the only consideration that affects yourself, Baron?” + </p> + <p> + “Of course! I cannot marry more zan vonce.” (Bunker thought he perceived a + symptom of a sigh.) “And I most be faithful to Alicia. I most! Ach, yes, + Bonker, do not fear for me! I am so constant as—ach, I most keep + faithful!” + </p> + <p> + As he supplied this remarkable testimony to his own fidelity, the Baron + paced the floor with an agitation that clearly showed how firmly his + constancy was based. + </p> + <p> + Nevertheless the Count was smiling oddly at something he espied upon the + mantelpiece, and stepping up to it he observed— + </p> + <p> + “Here is a singular phenomenon—a bunch of white heather that has got + itself tied together with ribbon!” + </p> + <p> + The Baron started, and took the tiny bouquet from his hand, his eyes + sparkling with delight. + </p> + <p> + “It must be a gift from——” he began, and then laid it down + again, though his gaze continued fixed upon it. “How did it gom in?” he + mused. “Ach! she most have brought it herself. How vary nice!” + </p> + <p> + He turned suddenly and met his friend's humorous eyes. + </p> + <p> + “I shall be faithful, Bonker! You can trust me!” he exclaimed; “I shall + put it in my letter to Alicia, and send it mit my love! See, Bonker!” + </p> + <p> + He took a letter from his desk—its envelope still open—hurriedly + slipped in the white heather, and licked the gum while his resolution was + hot. Then, having exhibited this somewhat singular evidence of his + constancy, he sighed again. + </p> + <p> + “It vas ze only safe vay,” he said dolefully. “Vas I not right, Bonker?” + </p> + <p> + “Quite, my dear Baron,” replied the Count sympathetically. “Believe me, I + appreciate your self-sacrifice. In fact, it was to relieve the strain upon + your too generous heart that I immediately accepted Mr. Maddison's + invitation for to-morrow.” + </p> + <p> + “How so?” demanded the Baron with perhaps excusable surprise. + </p> + <p> + “You will be able to decide at once which is the most suitable bride for + Tulliwuddle, and then, if you like, we can leave in a day or two.” + </p> + <p> + “Bot I do not vish to leave so soon!” + </p> + <p> + “Well then, while you stay, you can at least make sure that you are + engaging the affections of the right girl.” + </p> + <p> + Though Bunker spoke with an air of desiring merely to assist his friend, + the speech seemed to arouse some furious thinking in the Baron's mind. + </p> + <p> + For some moments he made no reply, and then at last, in a troubled voice, + he said— + </p> + <p> + “I have already a leetle gommitted Tollyvoddle to Eva. Ach, bot not moch! + Still it vas a leetle. Miss Maddison—vat is she like?” + </p> + <p> + To the best of his ability the Count sketched the charms of Eleanor + Maddison—her enthusiasm for large and manly noblemen, and the + probable effects of the Baron's stalwart form set off by the tartan which + (in deference, he declared, to the Wraith's injunctions) he now invariably + wore. Also, he touched upon her father's colossal fortune, and the genuine + Tulliwuddle's necessities. + </p> + <p> + The Baron listened with growing interest. + </p> + <p> + “Vell,” he said, “I soppose I most make a goot impression for ze sake of + Tollyvoddle. For instance, ven we drive up——” + </p> + <p> + “Drive? my dear Baron, we shall march! Leave it to me; I have a very + pretty design shaping in my head.” + </p> + <p> + “Aha!” smiled the Baron; “my showman again, eh?” + </p> + <p> + His expression sobered, and he added as a final contribution to the debate— + </p> + <p> + “But I may tell you, Bonker, I do not eggspect to like Miss Maddison. Ah, + my instinct he is vonderful! It vas my instinct vich said. 'Chose Miss + Gallosh for Tollyvoddle!'” + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2HCH0019" id="link2HCH0019"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + CHAPTER XIX + </h2> + <p> + While the Baron was thus loyally doing his duty, his Baroness, being + ignorant of the excellence of his purpose, and knowing only that he had + deceived her in one matter, and that the descent to Avernus is easy, + passed a number of very miserable days. That heart-breaking “us both” kept + her awake at nights and distraught throughout the day, and when for a + little she managed to explain the phrase away, and tried to anchor her + trust in Rudolph once more, the vision of the St. Petersburg window + overlooking the crops would come to shatter her confidence. She wrote a + number of passionate replies, but as the Baron in making his arrangements + with his Russian friend had forgotten to provide him with his Scotch + address, these letters only reached him after the events of this chronicle + had passed into history. Strange to say, her only consolation was that + neither her mother nor Sir Justin was able to supply any further evidence + of any kind whatsoever. One would naturally suppose that the assistance + they had gratuitously given would have made her feel eternally indebted to + them; but, on the contrary, she was actually inconsistent enough to resent + their head-shakings nearly as much as her Rudolph's presumptive + infidelity. So that her lot was indeed to be deplored. + </p> + <p> + At last a second letter came, and with trembling fingers, locked in her + room, the forsaken lady tore the curiously bulky envelope apart. Then, at + the sight of the enclosure that had given it this shape, her heart + lightened once more. + </p> + <p> + “A sprig of white heather!” she cried. “Ah, he loves me still!” + </p> + <p> + With eager eyes she next devoured the writing accompanying this token; and + as the Baron's head happened to be clearer when he composed this second + epistle, and his friend's hints peculiarly judicious, it conveyed so + plausible an account of his proceedings, and contained so many expressions + of his unaltered esteem, that his character was completely reinstated in + her regard. + </p> + <p> + Having read every affectionate sentence thrice over, and given his + exceedingly interesting statements of fact the attention they deserved, + she once more took up the little bouquet and examined it more curiously + and intently. She even untied the ribbon, when, lo and behold! there fell + a tiny and tightly folded twist of paper upon the floor. Preparing herself + for a delicious bit of sentiment, she tenderly unfolded and smoothed it + out. + </p> + <p> + “Verses!” she exclaimed rapturously; but the next instant her pleasure + gave place to a look of the extremest mystification. + </p> + <p> + “What does this mean?” she gasped. + </p> + <p> + There was, in fact, some excuse for her perplexity, since the precise text + of the enclosure ran thus: + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + “TO LORD TULLIWUDDLE. + + “O Chieftain, trample on this heath + Which lies thy springing foot beneath! + It can recover from thy tread, + And once again uplift its head! + But spare, O Chief, the tenderer plant, + Because when trampled on, it can't! + “EVA.” + </pre> + <p> + Too confounded for coherent speculation, the Baroness continued to stare + at this baffling effusion. Who Lord Tulliwuddle and Eva were; why this + glimpse into their drama (for such it appeared to be) should be forwarded + to her; and where the Baron von Blitzenberg came into the story—these, + among a dozen other questions, flickered chaotically through her mind for + some minutes. Again and again she studied the cryptogram, till at last a + few definite conclusions began to crystallize out of the confusion. That + the “tenderer plant” symbolized the lady herself, that she was a person to + be regarded with extreme suspicion, and that emphatically the bouquet was + never originally intended for the Baroness von Blitzenberg, all became + settled convictions. The fact that she knew Tulliwuddle to be an existing + peerage afforded her some relief; yet the longer she pondered on the + problem of Rudolph's part in the episode, the more uneasy grew her mind. + </p> + <p> + Composing her face before the mirror till it resumed its normal round-eyed + placidity, she locked the letter and its contents in a safe place, and + sought out her mother. + </p> + <p> + “Did you get any letter, dear, by the last post?” inquired the Countess as + soon as she had entered the room. + </p> + <p> + “Nothing of importance, mamma.” + </p> + <p> + That so sweet and docile a daughter should stoop to deceit was + inconceivable. The Countess merely frowned her disappointment and resumed + the novel which she was beguiling the hours between eating and eating + again. + </p> + <p> + “Mamma,” said the Baroness presently, “can you tell me whether heather is + found in many other European countries?” + </p> + <p> + The Countess raised her firmly penciled eyebrows. + </p> + <p> + “In some, I believe. What a remarkable question, Alicia.” + </p> + <p> + “I was thinking about Russia,” said Alicia with an innocent air. “Do you + suppose heather grows there?” + </p> + <p> + The Countess remembered the floral symptoms displayed by Ophelia, and grew + a trifle nervous. + </p> + <p> + “My child, what is the matter?” + </p> + <p> + “Oh, nothing,” replied Alicia hastily. + </p> + <p> + A short silence followed, during which she was conscious of undergoing a + curious scrutiny. + </p> + <p> + “By the way, mamma,” she found courage to ask at length, “do you know + anything about Lord Tulliwuddle?” + </p> + <p> + Lady Grillyer continued uneasy. These irrelevant questions undoubtedly + indicated a mind unhinged. + </p> + <p> + “I was acquainted with the late Lord Tulliwuddle.” + </p> + <p> + “Oh, he is dead, then?” + </p> + <p> + “Certainly.” + </p> + <p> + Alicia's face clouded for a moment, and then a ray of hope lit it again. + </p> + <p> + “Is there a present Lord Tulliwuddle?” + </p> + <p> + “I believe so. Why do you ask?” + </p> + <p> + “I heard some one speak of him the other day.” + </p> + <p> + She spoke so naturally that her mother began to feel relieved. + </p> + <p> + “Sir Justin Wallingford can tell you all about the family, if you are + curious,” she remarked. + </p> + <p> + “Sir Justin!” + </p> + <p> + Alicia recoiled from the thought of him. But presently her curiosity + prevailed, and she inquired— + </p> + <p> + “Does he know them well?” + </p> + <p> + “He inherited a place in Scotland a number of years ago, you remember. It + is somewhere near Lord Tulliwuddle's place—Hech—Hech—Hech-something-or-other + Castle. He was very well acquainted with the last Tulliwuddle.” + </p> + <p> + “Oh,” said Alicia indifferently, “I am not really interested. It was mere + idle curiosity.” + </p> + <p> + For the greater part of twenty-four hours she kept this mystery locked + within her heart, till at last she could contain it no longer. The + resolution she came to was both desperate and abruptly taken. At five + minutes to three she was resolved to die rather than mention that sprig of + heather to a soul; at five minutes past she was on her way to Sir Justin + Wallingford's house. + </p> + <p> + “It may be going behind mamma's back,” she said to herself; “but she went + behind mine when SHE consulted Sir Justin.” + </p> + <p> + It was probably in consequence of her urgent voice and agitated manner + that she came to be shown straight into Sir Justin's library, without + warning on either side, and thus surprised her counsellor in the act of + softly singing a well-known hymn to the accompaniment of a small + harmonium. He seemed for a moment to be a trifle embarrassed, and the + glance he threw at his footman appeared to indicate an early vacancy in + his establishment; but as soon as he had recovered his customary solemnity + his explanation reflected nothing but credit upon his character. + </p> + <p> + “The fact is,” said he, “that I am shortly going to rejoin my daughter in + Scotland. You are aware of her disposition, Baroness?” + </p> + <p> + “I have heard that she is inclined to be devotional.” + </p> + <p> + “She is devotional,” answered this excellent man. “I have taken + considerable pains to see to it. As your mother and I have often agreed, + there is no such safeguard for a young girl as a hobby or mania of this + sort.” + </p> + <p> + “A hobby or mania?” exclaimed the Baroness in a pained voice. + </p> + <p> + Sir Justin looked annoyed. He was evidently surprised to find that the + principles inculcated by his old friend and himself appeared to outlive + the occasion for which they were intended—to wit, the protection of + virgin hearts from undesirable aspirations till calm reason and a husband + should render them unnecessary. + </p> + <p> + “I use the terms employed by the philosophical,” he hastened to explain; + “but my own opinion is inclined to coincide with yours, my dear Alicia.” + </p> + <p> + This paternal use of her Christian name, coupled with the kindly tone of + his justification, encouraged the Baroness to open her business. + </p> + <p> + “Sir Justin,” she began, “can I trust you—may I ask you not to tell + my mother that I have visited you?” + </p> + <p> + “If you can show me an adequate reason, you may rely upon my discretion,” + said the ex-diplomatist cautiously, yet with an encouraging smile. + </p> + <p> + “In some things one would sooner confide in a man than a woman, Sir + Justin.” + </p> + <p> + “That is undoubtedly true,” he agreed cordially. “You may confide in me, + Baroness.” + </p> + <p> + “I have heard from my husband again. I need not show you the letter; it is + quite satisfactory—oh, quite, I assure you! Only I found this + enclosed with it.” + </p> + <p> + In breathless silence she watched him examine critically first the heather + and then the verses. + </p> + <p> + “Lord Tulliwuddle!” he exclaimed. “Is there anything in the Baron's letter + to throw any light upon this?” + </p> + <p> + “Not one word—not the slightest hint.” + </p> + <p> + Again he studied the paper. + </p> + <p> + “Oh, what does it mean?” she cried. “I came to you because you know all + about the Tulliwuddles. Where is Lord Tulliwuddle now?” + </p> + <p> + “I am not acquainted with the present peer,” he ansevered meditatively. + “In fact, I know singularly little about him. I did hear—yes, I + heard from my daughter some rumor that he was shortly expected to visit + his place in Scotland; but whether he went there or not I cannot say.” + </p> + <p> + “You can find out for me?” + </p> + <p> + “I shall lose no time in ascertaining.” + </p> + <p> + The Baroness thanked him effusively, and rose to depart with a mind a + little comforted. + </p> + <p> + “And you won't tell mamma?” + </p> + <p> + “I never tell a woman anything that is of any importance.” + </p> + <p> + The Baroness was confirmed in her opinion that Sir Justin was not a very + nice man, but she felt an increased confidence in his judgment. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2HCH0020" id="link2HCH0020"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + CHAPTER XX + </h2> + <p> + From the gargoyled keep which the cultured enthusiasm of Eleanor and the + purse of her father had recently erected at Lincoln Lodge, the brother and + sister looked over a bend of the river, half a mile of valley road, a wave + of forest country, and the greater billows of the bare hillsides towering + beyond. But out of all this prospect it was only upon the stretch of road + that their eyes were bent. + </p> + <p> + “Surely one should see their carriage soon!” exclaimed Eleanor. + </p> + <p> + “Seems to me,” said her brother, “that you're sitting something like a cat + on the pounce for this Tulliwuddle fellow. Why, Eleanor, I never saw you + so excited since the first duke came along. I thought that had passed + right off.” + </p> + <p> + “Oh, Ri, I was reading 'Waverley' again last night, and somehow I felt the + top of the keep was the only place to watch for a chief!” + </p> + <p> + “Why, you don't expect him to be different from other people?” + </p> + <p> + “Ri! I tell you I'll cry if he looks like any one I've ever seen before! + Don't you remember the Count said he moved like a pine in his native + forests?” + </p> + <p> + “He won't make much headway like that,” said Ri incisively. “I'd sooner he + moved like something more spry than a tree. I guess that Count was talking + through his hat.” + </p> + <p> + But his sister was not to be argued out of her exalted mood by such + prosaic reasoning. She exclaimed at his sluggish imagination, reiterated + her faith in the insinuating count's assurances, and was only withheld + from sending her brother down for a spy-glass by the reflection that she + could not remember reading of its employment by any maiden in analogous + circumstances. + </p> + <p> + It was at this auspicious moment, when the heart of the expectant heiress + was inflamed with romantic fancies and excited with the suspense of + waiting, and before it had time to cool through any undue delay, that a + little cloud of dust first caught her straining eyes. + </p> + <p> + “He comes at last!” she cried. + </p> + <p> + At the same instant the faint strains of the pibroch were gently wafted to + her embattled tower. + </p> + <p> + “He is bringing his piper! Oh, what a duck he is!” + </p> + <p> + “Seems to me he is bringing a dozen of them,” observed Ri. + </p> + <p> + “And look, Ri! The sun is glinting upon steel! Claymores, Ri! oh, how + heavenly! There must be fifty men! And they are still coming! I do believe + he has brought the whole clan!” + </p> + <p> + Too petrified with delight to utter another exclamation, she watched in + breathless silence the approach of a procession more formidable than had + ever escorted a Tulliwuddle since the year of Culloden. As they drew + nearer, her ardent gaze easily distinguished a stalwart figure in plaid + and kilt, armed to the teeth with target and claymore, marching with a + stately stride fully ten paces before his retinue. + </p> + <p> + “The chief!” she murmured. + </p> + <p> + Now indeed she saw there was no cause to mourn, for any one at all + resembling the Baron von Blitzenberg as he appeared at that moment she had + certainly never met before. Intoxicated with his finery and with the + terrific peals of melody behind him, he pranced rather than walked up to + the portals of Lincoln Lodge, and there, to the amazement and admiration + alike of his clansmen and his expectant host, he burst forth into the + following Celtic fragment, translated into English for the occasion by his + assiduous friend from a hitherto undiscovered manuscript of Ossian: + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + “I am ze chieftain, + Nursed in ze mountains, + Behold me, Mac—ig—ig—ig ish! +</pre> + <p> + (Yet the Count had written this word very distinctly.) + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + “Oich for ze claymore! + Hoch for ze philabeg! + Sons of ze red deers, + Children of eagles, + I will supply you + Mit Sassenach carcases!” + </pre> + <p> + At this point came a momentary lull, the chieftain's eyes rolling + bloodthirstily, but the rhapsody having apparently become congested within + his fiery heart. His audience, however, were not given time to recover + their senses, before a striking-looking individual, adorned with tartan + trews and a feathered hat, in whom all were pleased to recognize Count + Bunker, whispered briefly in his lordship's ear, and like a river in spate + he foamed on: + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + “Donald and Ronald + Avake from your slumbers! + Maiden so lovely, + Smile mit your bright eyes! + Ze heather is blooming! + Ze vild cat is growling! + Hech Dummeldirroch! + Behold Tollyvoddle, + Ze Lord of ze Mountains!” + </pre> + <p> + Hardly had the reverberations of the chieftain's voice died away, when the + Count, uttering a series of presumably Gaelic cries, advanced with the + most dramatic air, and threw his broad-sword upon the ground. The Baron + laid his across it, the pipes struck up a less formidable, but if anything + more exciting air, and the two noblemen, springing simultaneously from the + ground, began what the Count confidently trusted their American hosts + would accept as the national sworddance. + </p> + <p> + This lasted for some considerable time, and gave the Count an opportunity + of testifying his remarkable agility and the Baron of displaying the + greater part of his generously proportioned limbs, while the lung power of + both became from that moment proverbial in the glen. + </p> + <p> + At the conclusion of this ceremony the chieftain, crimson, breathless, and + radiant, a sight for gods and ladies, advanced to greet his host. + </p> + <p> + “Very happy to see you, Lord Tulliwuddle,” said Mr. Maddison. “Allow me to + offer you my very sincere congratulations on your exceedingly interesting + exhibition. Welcome to Lincoln Lodge, your lordship! My daughter—my + son.” + </p> + <p> + Eleanor, almost as flushed as the Baron by her headlong rush from the keep + at the conclusion of the sword-dance, threw him such a smile as none of + her admirers had ever enjoyed before; while he, incapable of speech beyond + a gasped “Ach!” bowed so low that the Count had gently to adjust his kilt. + Then followed the approach of the Gallosh family, attired in costumes of + Harris tweed and tartan selected and arranged under the artistic eye of + Count Bunker, and escorted, to their huge delight, by six picked clansmen. + Their formal presentation having been completed by a last skirl on the + bagpipes, the whole party moved in procession to the banqueting-hall. + </p> + <p> + “A complete success, I flatter myself,” thought Count Bunker, with + excusable complacency. + </p> + <p> + To the banquet itself it is scarcely possible for a mere mortal historian + to pay a fitting tribute. Every rarity known to the gourmet that telegraph + could summon to the table in time was served in course upon course. Even + the sweetmeats in the little gold dishes cost on an average a dollar a + bon-bon, while the wine was hardly less valuable than liquid radium. Or at + least such was the sworn information subsequently supplied by Count Bunker + to the reporter of “The Torrydhulish Herald.” + </p> + <p> + Eleanor was in her highest spirits. She sat between the Baron and Mr. + Gallosh, delighted with the honest pleasure and admiration of the + merchant, and all the time becoming more satisfied with the demeanor and + conversation of the chief. In fact, the only disappointment she felt was + connected with the appearance of Miss Gallosh. Much as she had desired a + confidante, she had never demanded one so remarkably beautiful, and she + could not but feel that a very much plainer friend would have served her + purpose quite as well—and indeed better. Once or twice she + intercepted a glance passing between this superfluously handsome lady and + the principal guest, until at last it occurred to her as a strange and + unseemly thing that Lord Tulliwuddle should be paying so long a visit to + his shooting tenants. Eva, on her part, felt a curiously similar + sensation. These American gentlemen were as pleasant as report had painted + them, but she now discovered an odd antipathy to American women, or at + least to their unabashed method of making themselves agreeable to + noblemen. It confirmed, indeed, the worst reports she had heard concerning + the way in which they raided the British marriage market. + </p> + <p> + Being placed beside one of these lovely girls and opposite the other, the + Baron, one would think, would be in the highest state of contentment; but + though still flushed with his triumphant caperings over the broadswords, + and exhibiting a graciousness that charmed his hosts, he struck his + observant friend as looking a trifle disturbed at soul. He would furtively + glance across the table and then as furtively throw a sidelong look at his + neighbor, and each time he appeared to grow more thoughtful. And yet he + did not look precisely unhappy either. In fact, there was a gleam in his + eye during each of these glances which suggested that both fell upon + something he approved of. + </p> + <p> + The after-luncheon procedure had been carefully arranged between the two + adventurers. The Count was to keep by the Baron's side, and, thus + supported, negotiations were to be delicately opened. Accordingly, when + the party rose, the Count whispered a word in Mr. Maddison's ear. The + millionaire answered with a grave, shrewd look, and his daughter, as if + perfectly grasping the situation, led the Galloshes out to inspect the new + fir forest. And then the two noblemen and the two Dariuses faced one + another over their cigars. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2HCH0021" id="link2HCH0021"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + CHAPTER XXI + </h2> + <p> + “Well, gentlemen,” said Mr. Maddison, “pleasure is pleasure, and business + is business. I guess we mean to do a little of both to-day, if you are + perfectly disposed. What do you say, Count?” + </p> + <p> + “I consider that an occasion selected by you, Mr. Maddison, is not to be + neglected.” + </p> + <p> + The millionaire bowed his acknowledgment of the compliment, and turned to + the Baron, who, it may be remarked, was wearing an expression of + thoughtful gravity not frequently to be noted at Hechnahoul. + </p> + <p> + “You desire to say a few words to me, Lord Tulliwuddle, I understand. I + shall be pleased to hear them.” + </p> + <p> + With this both father and son bent such earnest brows on the Baron and + waited for his answer in such intense silence, that he began to regret the + absence of his inspiring pipers. + </p> + <p> + “I vould like ze honor to address mine—mine——” + </p> + <p> + He threw an imploring glance at his friend, who, without hesitation, threw + himself into the breach. + </p> + <p> + “Lord Tulliwuddle feels the natural diffidence of a lover in adequately + expressing his sentiments. I understand that he craves your permission to + lay a certain case before a certain lady. I am right, Tulliwuddle?” + </p> + <p> + “Pairfectly,” said the Baron, much relieved; “to lay a certain case before + a certain lady. Zat is so, yes, exactly.” + </p> + <p> + Father and son glanced at one another. + </p> + <p> + “Your delicacy does you honor, very great honor,” said Mr. Maddison; “but + business is business, Lord Tulliwuddle, and I should like to hear your + proposition more precisely stated. In fact, sir, I like to know just where + I am.” + </p> + <p> + “That's just about right,” assented Ri. + </p> + <p> + “I vould perhaps vish to marry her.” + </p> + <p> + “Perhaps!” exclaimed the two together. + </p> + <p> + Again the Count adroitly interposed— + </p> + <p> + “You mean that you do not intend to thrust your attentions upon an + unwilling lady?” + </p> + <p> + “Yes, yes; zat is vat I mean.” + </p> + <p> + “I see,” said Mr. Maddison slowly. “H'm, yes.” + </p> + <p> + “Sounds what you Scotch call 'canny,'” commented Ri shrewdly. + </p> + <p> + “Well,” resumed the millionaire, “I have nothing to say against that; + provided—provided, I say, that you stipulate to marry the lady so + long as she has no objections to you. No fooling around—that's all + we want to see to. Our time, sir, is too valuable.” + </p> + <p> + “That is so,” said Ri. + </p> + <p> + The Baron's color rose, and a look of displeasure came into his eyes, but + before he had time to make a retort that might have wrecked his original's + hopes, Bunker said quickly— + </p> + <p> + “Tulliwuddle places himself in your hands, with the implicit confidence + that one gentleman reposes in another.” + </p> + <p> + Gulping down his annoyance, the Baron assented— + </p> + <p> + “Yes, I vill do zat.” + </p> + <p> + Again father and son looked at one another, and this time exchanged a nod. + </p> + <p> + “That, sir, will satisfy us,” said Mr. Maddison. “Ri, you may turn off the + phonograph.” + </p> + <p> + And thereupon the cessation of a loud buzzing sound, which the visitors + had hitherto attributed to flies, showed that their host now considered he + had received a sufficient guarantee of his lordship's honorable + intentions. + </p> + <p> + “So far, so good,” resumed Mr. Maddison. “I may now inform you, Lord + Tulliwuddle, that the reports about you which I have been able to gather + read kind of mixed, and before consenting to your reception within my + daughter's boudoir we should feel obliged if you would satisfy us that the + worst of them are not true—or, at least, sir, exaggerated.” + </p> + <p> + This time the Baron could not restrain an exclamation of displeasure. + </p> + <p> + “Vat, sir!” he cried, addressing the millionaire. “Do you examine me on my + life!” + </p> + <p> + “No, sir,” said Ri, frowning his most determined frown. “It is to ME you + will be kind enough to give any explanation you have to offer! Dad may be + the spokesman, but I am the inspirer of these interrogations. My sister, + sir, the purest girl in America, the most beautiful creature beneath the + star-spangled banner of Columbia, is not going to be the companion of + dissolute idleness and gilded dishonor—not, sir, if <i>I</i> know + it.” + </p> + <p> + Too confounded by this unusual warning to think of any adequate retort, + the Baron could only stare his sensations; while Mr. Maddison, taking up + the conversation the instant his son had ceased, proceeded in a deliberate + and impressive voice to say— + </p> + <p> + “Yes, sir, my son—and I associate myself with him—my son and + I, sir, would be happy to learn that it is NOT the case as here stated” + (he glanced at a paper in his hand), “namely, Item 1, that you sup rather + too frequently with ladies—I beg your pardon, Count Bunker, for + introducing the theme—with ladies of the theatrical profession.” + </p> + <p> + “I!” gasped the Baron. “I do only vish I sometimes had ze cha——” + </p> + <p> + “Tulliwuddle!” interrupted the Count. “Don't let your natural indignation + carry you away! Mr. Maddison, that statement is not true. I can vouch for + it.” + </p> + <p> + “Ach, of course it is not true,” said the Baron more calmly, as he began + to realize that it was not his own character that was being aspersed. + </p> + <p> + “I am very glad to hear it,” continued Mr. Maddison, who apparently did + not share the full austerity of his son's views, since without further + question he hurried on to the next point. + </p> + <p> + “Item 2, sir, states that at least two West End firms are threatening you + with proceedings if you do not discharge their accounts within a + reasonable time.” + </p> + <p> + “A lie!” declared the Baron emphatically. + </p> + <p> + “Will you be so kind as to favor us with the name of the individual who is + thus libelling his lordship?” demanded the Count with a serious air. + </p> + <p> + Mr. Maddison hastily put the paper back in his pocket, and with a glance + checked his son's gesture of protest. + </p> + <p> + “Guess we'd better pass on to the next thing, Ri. I told you it wasn't any + darned use just asking. But you boys always think you know better than + your Poppas,” said he; and then, turning to the Count, “It isn't worth + while troubling, Count; I'll see that these reports get contradicted, if I + have to buy up a daily paper and issue it at a halfpenny. Yes, sir, you + can leave it to me.” + </p> + <p> + The Count glanced at his friend, and they exchanged a grave look. + </p> + <p> + “Again we place ourselves in your hands,” said Bunker. + </p> + <p> + Though considerably impressed with these repeated evidences of confidence + on the part of two such important personages, their host nevertheless + maintained something of his inquisitorial air as he proceeded— + </p> + <p> + “For my own satisfaction, Lord Tulliwuddle, and meaning to convey no + aspersion whatsoever upon your character, I would venture to inquire what + are your views upon some of the current topics. Take any one you like, + sir, so long as it's good and solid, and let me hear what you have to say + about it. What you favor us with will not be repeated beyond this room, + but merely regarded by my son and myself as proving that we are getting no + dunder-headed dandy for our Eleanor, but an article of real substantial + value—the kind of thing they might make into a Lord-lieutenant or a + Viceroy in a bad year.” + </p> + <p> + Tempting in every way as this suggestion sounded, his lordship + nevertheless appeared to find a little initial difficulty in choosing a + topic. + </p> + <p> + “Speak out, sir,” said Mr. Maddison in an encouraging tone. “Our standard + for noblemen isn't anything remarkably high. With a duke I'd be content + with just a few dates and something about model cottages, and, though a + baron ought to know a little more than that, still we'll count these + feudal bagpipers and that ancestral hop-scotch performance as a kind of + set-off to your credit. Suppose you just say a few words on the future of + the Anglo-Saxon race. What you've learned from the papers will do, so long + as you seem to understand it.” + </p> + <p> + Perceiving that his Teutonic friend looked a trifle dismayed at this + selection, Count Bunker suggested the Triple Alliance as an alternative. + </p> + <p> + “That needs more facts, I guess,” said the millionaire; “but it will be + all the more creditable if you can manage it.” + </p> + <p> + The Baron cleared his throat to begin, and as he happened (as the Count + was well aware) to have the greatest enthusiasm for this policy, and to + have recently read the thirteen volumes of Professor Bungstrumpher on the + subject, he delivered a peroration so remarkable alike for its fervor, its + facts, and its phenomenal length, that when, upon a gentle hint from the + Count, he at last paused, all traces of objection had vanished from the + minds of Darius P. Maddison, senior and junior. + </p> + <p> + “I need no longer detain you, Lord Tulliwuddle,” said the millionaire + respectfully. “Ri, fetch your sister into her room. Your lordship, I have + received an intellectual treat. I am very deeply gratified, sir. Allow me + to conduct you to my daughter's boudoir.” + </p> + <p> + Flushed with his exertions and his triumph though the Baron was, he yet + remembered so vividly the ordeal preceding the oration that as they went + he whispered in his friend's ear: + </p> + <p> + “Ah, Bonker, stay mit me, I pray you! If she should ask more questions! + </p> + <p> + “Mr. Maddison, ze Count will stay mit me.” + </p> + <p> + Though a little surprised at this arrangement, which scarcely accorded + with his lordship's virile appearance and dashing air, Mr. Maddison was by + this time too favorably disposed to question the wisdom of any suggestion + he might make, and accordingly the two friends found themselves closeted + together in Miss Maddison's sanctum awaiting the appearance of the + heiress. + </p> + <p> + “Shall I remain through the entire interview?” asked the Count. + </p> + <p> + “Oh yes, mine Bonker, you most! Or—vell, soppose it gets unnecessary + zen vill I cry 'By ze Gad!' and you vill know to go.” + </p> + <p> + “'By the Gad'? I see.” + </p> + <p> + “Or—vell, not ze first time, but if I say it tree times, zen vill + you make an excuse.” + </p> + <p> + “Three times? I understand, Baron.” + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2HCH0022" id="link2HCH0022"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + CHAPTER XXII + </h2> + <p> + In the eye of the heiress, as in her father's, might be noted a shade of + surprise at finding two gentlemen instead of one. But though the Count + instantly perceived his superfluity, and though it had been his greatest + ambition throughout his life to add no shade to the dullness with which he + frequently complained that life was overburdened, yet his sense of + obligation to his friend was so strong that he preferred to bore rather + than desert. As the only compensation he could offer, he assumed the most + retiring look of which his mobile features were capable, and pretended to + examine one of the tables of curios. + </p> + <p> + “Lord Tulliwuddle, I congratulate you on the very happy impression you + have made!” began Eleanor with the most delightful frankness. + </p> + <p> + But his lordship had learned to fear the Americans, even bearing + compliments. + </p> + <p> + “So?” he answered stolidly. + </p> + <p> + “Indeed you have! Ri is just wild about your cleverness.” + </p> + <p> + “Zat is kind of him.” + </p> + <p> + “He declares you are quite an authority on European politics. Now you will + be able to tell me——” + </p> + <p> + “Ach, no! I shall not to-day, please!” interrupted the Baron hurriedly. + </p> + <p> + The heiress seemed disconcerted. + </p> + <p> + “Oh, not if you'd rather not, Lord Tulliwuddle.” + </p> + <p> + “Not to-day.” + </p> + <p> + “Well!” + </p> + <p> + She turned with a shrug and cast her eyes upon the wall. + </p> + <p> + “How do you like this picture? It's my latest toy. I call it just sweet!” + </p> + <p> + He cautiously examined the painting. + </p> + <p> + “It is vary pretty.” + </p> + <p> + “Do you know Romney's work?” + </p> + <p> + The Baron shrank back. + </p> + <p> + “Not again to-day, please!” + </p> + <p> + Miss Maddison opened her handsome eyes to their widest. + </p> + <p> + “My word!” she cried. “If these are Highland manners, Lord Tulliwuddle!” + </p> + <p> + In extreme confusion the Baron stammered— + </p> + <p> + “I beg your pardon! Forgif me—but—ach, not zose questions, + please!” + </p> + <p> + Relenting a little, she inquired + </p> + <p> + “What may I ask you, then? Do tell me! You see I want just to know all + about you.” + </p> + <p> + With an affrighted gesture the Baron turned to his friend. + </p> + <p> + “Bonker,” said he, “she does vant to know yet more about me! Vill you + please to tell her.” + </p> + <p> + The Count looked up from the curios with an expression so bland that the + air began to clear even before he spoke. + </p> + <p> + “Miss Maddison, I must explain that my friend's proud Highland spirit has + been a little disturbed by some inquiries, made in all good faith by your + father. No offence, I am certain, was intended; erroneous information—a + little hastiness in jumping to conclusions—a sensitive nature + wounded by the least insinuation—such were the unfortunate causes of + Tulliwuddle's excusable reticence. Believe me, if you knew all, your + opinion of him would alter very, very considerably!” + </p> + <p> + The perfectly accurate peroration to this statement produced an immediate + effect. + </p> + <p> + “What a shame!” cried Eleanor, her eyes sparkling brightly. “Lord + Tulliwuddle, I am so sorry!” + </p> + <p> + The Baron looked into these eyes, and his own mien altered perceptibly. + For an instant he gazed, and then in a low voice remarked— + </p> + <p> + “By ze Gad!” + </p> + <p> + “Once!” counted the conscientious Bunker. + </p> + <p> + “Lord Tulliwuddle,” she continued, “I declare I feel so ashamed of those + stupid men, I could just wring their necks! Now, just to make us quits, + you ask me anything in the world you like!” + </p> + <p> + Over his shoulder the Baron threw a stealthy glance at his friend, but + this time he did not invoke his assistance. Instead, he again murmured + very distinctly— + </p> + <p> + “By ze Gad!” + </p> + <p> + “Twice!” counted Bunker. + </p> + <p> + “Miss Maddison,” said the Baron to the flushed and eager girl, “am I to + onderstand zat you now are satisfied zat I am not too vicked, too + suspeecious, too unvorthy of your charming society? I do not say I am yet + vorthy—bot jost not too bad!” + </p> + <p> + Had the Baroness at that moment heard merely the intonation of his voice, + she would undoubtedly have preferred a Chinese prison. + </p> + <p> + “Indeed, Lord Tulliwuddle, you may.” + </p> + <p> + “By ze Gad!” announced the Baron, in a voice braced with resolution. + </p> + <p> + “May I take the liberty of inspecting the aviary?” said the Count. + </p> + <p> + “With the very greatest pleasure,” replied the heiress kindly. + </p> + <p> + His last distinct impression as he withdrew was of the Baron giving his + mustache a more formidable twirl. + </p> + <p> + “A very pretty little scene,” he reflected, as he strolled out in search + of others. “Though, hang me, I'm not sure if it ended in the right man + leaving the stage!” + </p> + <p> + This “second-fiddle feeling,” as he styled it humorously to himself, was + further increased by the demeanor of Miss Gallosh, to whom he now + endeavored to make himself agreeable. Though sharing the universal respect + felt for the character and talents of the Count, she was evidently too + perturbed at seeing him appear alone to appreciate his society as it + deserved. Ever since luncheon poor Eva's heart had been sinking. The + beauty, the assurance, the cleverness, and the charm of the fabulously + wealthy American heiress had filled her with vague misgivings even while + the gentlemen were safely absent; but when Miss Maddison was summoned + away, and her father and brother took her place, her uneasiness vastly + increased. Now here was the last buffer removed between the chieftain and + her audacious rival (so she already counted her). What drama could these + mysterious movements have been leading to? + </p> + <p> + In vain did Count Bunker exercise his unique powers of conversation. In + vain did he discourse on the beauties of nature as displayed in the wooded + valley and the towering hills, and the beauties of art as exhibited in the + aviary and the new fir forest. Eva's thoughts were too much engrossed with + the beauties of woman, and their dreadful consequences if improperly used. + </p> + <p> + “Is—is Miss Maddison still in the house?” she inquired, with an + effort to put the question carelessly. + </p> + <p> + “I believe so,” said the Count in his kindest voice. + </p> + <p> + “And—and—that isn't Lord Tulliwuddle with my father, is it?” + </p> + <p> + “I believe not,” said the Count, still more sympathetically. + </p> + <p> + She could no longer withhold a sigh, and the Count tactfully turned the + conversation to the symbolical eagle arrived that morning from Mr. + Maddison's native State. + </p> + <p> + They had passed from the aviary to the flower garden, when at last they + saw the Baron and Eleanor appear. She joined the rest of the party, while + he, walking thoughtfully in search of his friend, advanced in their + direction. He raised his eyes, and then, to complete Eva's concern, he + started in evident embarrassment at discovering her there also. To do him + justice, he quickly recovered his usual politeness. Yet she noticed that + he detained the Count beside him and showed a curious tendency to + discourse solely on the fine quality of the gravel and the advantages of + having a brick facing to a garden wall. + </p> + <p> + “My lord,” said Mr. Gallosh, approaching them, “would you be thinking of + going soon? I've noticed Mr. Maddison's been taking out his watch verra + frequently.” + </p> + <p> + “Certainly, certainly!” cried my lord. “Oh, ve have finished all ve have + come for.” + </p> + <p> + Eva started, and even Mr. Gallosh looked a trifle perturbed. + </p> + <p> + “Yes,” added the Count quickly, “we have a very good idea of the heating + system employed. I quite agree with you: we can leave the rest to your + engineer.” + </p> + <p> + But even his readiness failed to efface the effects of his friend's + unfortunate admission. + </p> + <p> + Farewells were said, the procession reformed, the pipers struck up, and + amidst the heartiest expressions of pleasure from all, the chieftain and + his friends marched off to the spot where (out of sight of Lincoln Lodge) + the forethought of their manager had arranged that the carriages should be + waiting. + </p> + <p> + “Well,” said Bunker, when they found themselves in their room again, “what + do you think of Miss Maddison?” + </p> + <p> + The Baron lit a cigar, gazed thoughtfully and with evident satisfaction at + the daily deepening shade of tan upon his knees, and then answered slowly— + </p> + <p> + “Vell, Bonker, she is not so bad.” + </p> + <p> + “Ah,” commented Bunker. + </p> + <p> + “Bot, Bonker, it is not vat I do think of her. Ach, no! It is not for mein + own pleasure. Ach, nein! How shall I do my duty to Tollyvoddle? Zat is vat + I ask myself.” + </p> + <p> + “And what answer do you generally return?” + </p> + <p> + “Ze answer I make is,” said the Baron gravely and with the deliberation + the point deserved—“Ze answer is zat I shall vait and gonsider vich + lady is ze best for him.” + </p> + <p> + “The means you employ will no doubt include a further short personal + interview with each of them?” + </p> + <p> + “Vun short! Ach, Bonker, I most investigate mit carefulness. No, no; I + most see zem more zan zat.” + </p> + <p> + “How long do you expect the process will take you?” + </p> + <p> + For the first time the Baron noticed with surprise a shade of impatience + in his friend's voice. + </p> + <p> + “Are you in a horry, Bonker?” + </p> + <p> + “My dear Baron, I grudge no man his sport—particularly if he is + careful to label it his duty. But, to tell the truth, I have never played + gamekeeper for so long before, and I begin to find that picking up your + victims and carrying them after you in a bag is less exhilarating to-day + than it was a week ago. I wouldn't curtail your pleasure for the world, my + dear fellow! But I do ask you to remember the poor keeper.” + </p> + <p> + “My dear friend,” said the Baron cordially, “I shall remember! It shall + take bot two or tree days to do my duty. I shall not be long.” + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + “A day or two of sober duty, + Then, Hoch! for London, home, and beauty!” + </pre> + <p> + trolled the Count pleasantly. + </p> + <p> + The Baron did not echo the “Hoch”; but after retaining his thoughtful + expression for a few moments, a smile stole over his face, and he remarked + in an absent voice— + </p> + <p> + “Vun does not alvays need to go home to find beauty.” + </p> + <p> + “Yes,” said the Count, “I have always held it to be one of the advantages + of travel that one learns to tolerate the inhabitants of other lands.” + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2HCH0023" id="link2HCH0023"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + CHAPTER XXIII + </h2> + <p> + “Ach, you are onfair,” exclaimed the Baron. “Really?” said Eva, with a + sarcastic intonation he had not believed possible in so sweet a voice. + </p> + <p> + It was the day following the luncheon at Lincoln Lodge, and they were once + more seated in the shady arbor: this time the Count had guaranteed not + only to leave them uninterrupted by his own presence, but to protect the + garden from all other intruders. Everything, in fact, had presaged the + pleasantest of tete-a-tetes. But, alas! the Baron was learning that if + Amaryllis pouts, the shadiest corner may prove too warm. Why, he was + asking himself, should she exhibit this incomprehensible annoyance? What + had he done? How to awake her smiles again? + </p> + <p> + “I do not forget my old friends so quickly,” he protested. “No, I do + assure you! I do not onderstand vy you should say so.” + </p> + <p> + “Oh, we don't profess to be old FRIENDS, Lord Tulliwuddle! After all, + there is no reason why you shouldn't turn your back on us as soon as you + see a newer—and more amusing—ACQUAINTANCE.” + </p> + <p> + “But I have not turned my back!” + </p> + <p> + “We saw nothing else all yesterday.” + </p> + <p> + “Ah, Mees Gallosh, zat is not true! Often did I look at you!” + </p> + <p> + “Did you? I had forgotten. One doesn't treasure every glance, you know.” + </p> + <p> + The Baron tugged at his mustache and frowned. + </p> + <p> + “She vill not do for Tollyvoddle,” he said to himself. + </p> + <p> + But the next instant a glance from Eva's brilliant eyes—a glance so + reproachful, so appealing, and so stimulating, that there was no resisting + it—diverted his reflections into quite another channel. + </p> + <p> + “Vat can I do to prove zat I am so friendly as ever?” he exclaimed. + </p> + <p> + “So FRIENDLY?” she repeated, with an innocently meditative air. + </p> + <p> + “So vary parteecularly friendly!” + </p> + <p> + Her air relented a little—just enough, in fact, to make him ardently + desire to see it relent still further. + </p> + <p> + “You promise things to me, and then do them for other people's benefit.” + </p> + <p> + The Baron eagerly demanded a fuller statement of this abominable charge. + </p> + <p> + “Well,” she said, “you told me twenty times you would show me something + really Highland—that you'd kill a deer by torchlight, or hold a + gathering of the clans upon the castle lawn. All sorts of things you + offered to do for me, and the only thing you have done has been for the + sake of your NEW friends! You gave THEM a procession and a dance.” + </p> + <p> + “But you did see it too!” he interrupted eagerly. + </p> + <p> + “As part of your procession,” she retorted scornfully. “We felt much + obliged to you—especially as you were so attentive to us + afterwards!” + </p> + <p> + “I did not mean to leave you,” exclaimed the Baron weakly. “It was jost + zat Miss Maddison——” + </p> + <p> + “I am not interested in Miss Maddison. No doubt she is very charming; but, + really, she doesn't interest me at all. You were unavoidably prevented + from talking to us—that is quite sufficient for me. I excuse you, + Lord Tulliwuddle. Only, please, don't make me any more promises.” + </p> + <p> + “Eva! Ach, I most say 'Eva' jost vunce more! I am going to leave my + castle, to leave you, and say good-by.” + </p> + <p> + She started and looked quickly at him. + </p> + <p> + “Bot before I go I shall keep my promise! Ve shall have ze pipers, and ze + kilts, and ze dancing, and toss ze caber, and fling ze hammer, and it + shall be on ze castle lawn, and all for your sake! Vill you not forgive me + and be friends?” + </p> + <p> + “Will it really be all for my sake?” + </p> + <p> + She spoke incredulously, yet looked as if she were willing to be + convinced. + </p> + <p> + “I swear it vill!” + </p> + <p> + The latter part of this interview was so much more agreeable than the + beginning that when the distant rumble of the luncheon gong brought it to + an end at last they sighed, and for fully half a minute lingered still in + silence. If one may dare to express in crude language a maiden's unspoken, + formless thought, Eva's might be read—“There is yet a moment left + for him to say the three short words that seem to hang upon his tongue!” + While on his part he was reflecting that he had another duologue arranged + for that very afternoon, and that, for the simultaneous suitor of two + ladies, an open mind was almost indispensable. + </p> + <p> + “Then you are going for a drive with the Count Bunker this afternoon?” she + asked, as they strolled slowly towards the house. + </p> + <p> + “For a leetle tour in my estate,” he answered easily. + </p> + <p> + “On business, I suppose?” + </p> + <p> + “Yes, vorse luck!” + </p> + <p> + He knew not whether to feel more relieved or embarrassed to find that he + evidently rose in her estimation as a conscientious landlord. + </p> + <p> + . . . . . . + </p> + <p> + “You are having a capital day's sport, Baron,” said the Count gaily, as + they drew near Lincoln Lodge. + </p> + <p> + During their drive the Baron had remained unusually silent. He now roused + himself and said in a guarded whisper— + </p> + <p> + “Bonker, vill you please to give ze coachman some money not to say jost + vere he did drive us.” + </p> + <p> + “I have done so,” smiled the Count. + </p> + <p> + His friend gratefully grasped his hand and curled his mustache with an + emboldened air. + </p> + <p> + A similar display of address on the part of Count Bunker resulted in the + Baron's finding himself some ten minutes later alone with Miss Maddison in + her sanctuary. But, to his great surprise, he was greeted with none of the + encouraging cordiality that had so charmed him yesterday. The lady was + brief in her responses, critical in her tone, and evidently disposed to + quarrel with her admirer on some ground at present entirely mysterious. + Indeed, so discouraging was she that at length he exclaimed— + </p> + <p> + “Tell me, Miss Maddison—I should not have gom to-day? You did not + vish to see me. Eh?” + </p> + <p> + “I certainly was perfectly comfortable without you, Lord Tulliwuddle,” + said the heiress tartly. + </p> + <p> + “Shall I go avay?” + </p> + <p> + “You have come here entirely for your own pleasure; and the moment you + begin to feel tired there is nothing to hinder you going home again.” + </p> + <p> + “You vere more kind to me yesterday,” said the Baron sadly. + </p> + <p> + “I did not learn till after you had gone how much I was to blame for + keeping you so long away from your friends. Please do not think I shall + repeat the offence.” + </p> + <p> + There was an accent on the word “friends” that enlightened the bewildered + nobleman, even though quickness in taking a hint was not his most + conspicuous attribute. That the voice of gossip had reached the fair + American was only too evident; but though considerably annoyed, he could + not help feeling at the same time flattered to see the concern he was able + to inspire. + </p> + <p> + “My friends!” said he with amorous artfulness. + </p> + <p> + “Do you mean Count Bunker? He is ze only FRIEND I have here mit me.” + </p> + <p> + “The ONLY friend? Indeed!” + </p> + <p> + “Zat is since I see you vill not treat me as soch.” + </p> + <p> + Upon these lines a pretty little passage-of-arms ensued, the Baron + employing with considerable effect the various blandishments of which he + was admitted a past master; the heiress modifying her resentment by + degrees under their insidious influence. Still she would not entirely quit + her troublesome position, till at last a happy inspiration came to + reinforce his assaults. Why, he reflected, should an entertainment that + would require a considerable outlay of money and trouble serve to win the + affections of only one girl? With the same expenditure of ammunition it + might be possible to double the bag. + </p> + <p> + “Miss Maddison,” he said with a regretful air, “I did come here to-day in + ze hope——But ach!” + </p> + <p> + So happily had he succeeded in whetting her curiosity that she begged—nay, + insisted—that he should finish his sentence. + </p> + <p> + “If you had been kind I did hope zat you vould allow me to give in your + honor an entertainment at my castle.” + </p> + <p> + “An entertainment!” she cried, with a marked increase of interest. + </p> + <p> + “Jost a leetle EXPOSITION of ze Highland sport, mit bagpipes and caber and + so forth; unvorthy of your notice perhaps, bot ze best I can do.” + </p> + <p> + Eleanor clapped her hands enthusiastically. + </p> + <p> + “I should just love it!” + </p> + <p> + The triumphant diplomatist smiled complacently. + </p> + <p> + “Bonker vill arrange it all nicely,” he said to himself. + </p> + <p> + And there rose in his fancy such a pleasing and gorgeous picture of + himself in the panoply of the North, hurling a hammer skywards amidst the + plaudits of his clan and the ravished murmurs of the ladies, that he could + not but congratulate himself upon this last master-stroke of policy. For + if instead of ladies there were only one lady, exactly half the pleasure + would be lacking. So generous were this nobleman's instincts! + </p> + <p> + During their drive to Lincoln Lodge the Baron had hesitated to broach his + new project to his friend for the very reason that, after the glow of his + first enthusiastic proposal to Eva was over, it seemed to him a vast + undertaking for a limited object; but driving home he lost no time in + confiding his scheme to the Count. + </p> + <p> + “The deuce!” cried Bunker. “That will mean three more days here at least!” + </p> + <p> + “Vat is tree days, mine Bonker?” + </p> + <p> + “My dear Baron, I am the last man in the world to drop an unpleasant hint; + yet I can't help thinking we have been so unconscionably lucky up till now + that it would be wise to retire before an accident befalls us.” + </p> + <p> + “Vat kind of accident?” + </p> + <p> + “The kind that may happen to the best regulated adventurer.” + </p> + <p> + The Baron pondered. When Bunker suggested caution it indeed seemed time to + beat a retreat; yet—those two charming ladies, and that alluring + tartan tableau! + </p> + <p> + “Ach, let ze devil take ze man zat is afraid!” he exclaimed at last. + “Bonker, it vill be soch fun!” + </p> + <p> + “Watching you complete two conquests?” + </p> + <p> + “Be not impatient, good Bonker!” + </p> + <p> + “My dear fellow, if you could find me one girl—even one would + content me—who would condescend to turn her eyes from the dazzling + spectacle of Baron Tulliwuddle, and cast them for so much as half an hour + a day upon his obscure companion, I might see some fun in it too.” + </p> + <p> + The Baron, with an air of patronizing kindness that made his + fellow-adventurer's lot none the easier to bear, answered reassuringly— + </p> + <p> + “Bot I shall leave all ze preparations to be made by you; you vill not + have time zen to feel lonely.” + </p> + <p> + “Thank you, Baron; you have the knack of conferring the most princely + favors.” + </p> + <p> + “Ach, I am used to do so,” said the Baron simply, and then burst out + eagerly, “Some feat you must design for me at ze sports so zat I can show + zem my strength, eh?” + </p> + <p> + “With the caber, for instance?” + </p> + <p> + The Baron had seen the caber tossed, and he shook his head. + </p> + <p> + “He is too big.” + </p> + <p> + “I might fit a strong spring in one end.” + </p> + <p> + But the Baron still seemed disinclined. His friend reflected, and then + suddenly exclaimed— + </p> + <p> + “The village doctor keeps some chemical apparatus, I believe! You'll throw + the hammer, Baron. I can manage it.” + </p> + <p> + The Baron appeared mystified by the juxtaposition of ideas, but serenely + expressed himself as ready to entrust this and all other arrangements for + the Hechnahoul Gathering to the ingenious Count, as some small + compensation for so conspicuously outshining him. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2HCH0024" id="link2HCH0024"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + CHAPTER XXIV + </h2> + <p> + The day of the Gathering broke gray and still, and the Baron, who was no + weather prophet, declared gloomily— + </p> + <p> + “It vill rain. Donnerwetter!” + </p> + <p> + A couple of hours later the sun was out, and the distant hills shimmering + in the heat haze. + </p> + <p> + “Himmel! Ve are alvays lucky, Bonker!” he cried, and with gleeful energy + brandished his dumb-bells in final preparation for his muscular exploits. + </p> + <p> + “We certainly have escaped hanging so far,” said the Count, as he drew on + the trews which became his well-turned leg so happily. + </p> + <p> + His arrangements were admirable and complete, and by twelve o'clock the + castle lawn looked as barbarically gay as the colored supplement to an + illustrated paper. Pipes were skirling, skirts fluttering, flags flapping; + and as invitations had been issued to various magnates in the district, + whether acquainted with the present peer or not, there were to be seen + quite a number of dignified personages in divers shades of tartan, and + parasols of all the hues in the rainbow. The Baron was in his element. He + judged the bagpipe competition himself, and held one end of the tape that + measured the jumps, besides delighting the whole assembled company by his + affability and good spirits. + </p> + <p> + “Your performance comes next, I see,” said Eleanor Maddison, throwing him + her brightest smile. “I can't tell you how I am looking forward to seeing + you do it!” + </p> + <p> + The Baron started and looked at the programme in her hand. He had been too + excited to study it carefully before, and now for the first time he saw + the announcement (in large type)— + </p> + <p> + “7. Lord Tulliwuddle throws the 85-lb. hammer.” + </p> + <p> + The sixth event was nearly through, and there—there evidently was + the hammer in question being carried into the ring by no fewer than three + stalwart Highlanders! The Baron had learned enough of the pastimes of his + adopted country to be aware that this gigantic weapon was something like + four times as heavy as any hammer hitherto thrown by the hardiest + Caledonian. + </p> + <p> + “Teufel! Bonker vill make a fool of me,” he muttered, and hastily bursting + from the circle of spectators, hurried towards the Count, who appeared to + be busied in keeping the curious away from the Chieftain's hammer. + </p> + <p> + “Bonker, vat means zis?” he demanded. + </p> + <p> + “Your hammer,” smiled the Count. + </p> + <p> + “A hammer zat takes tree men——” + </p> + <p> + “Hush!” whispered the Count. “They are only holding it down!” + </p> + <p> + The Baron laid his hand upon the round enormous head, and started. + </p> + <p> + “It is not iron!” he gasped. “It is of rubber.” + </p> + <p> + “Filled with hydrogen,” breathed the Count in his ear. “Just swing it once + and let go—and, I say, mind it doesn't carry you away with it.” + </p> + <p> + The chief bared his arms and seized the handle; his three clansmen let go; + and then, with what seemed to the breathless spectators to be a merely + trifling effort of strength, he dismissed the projectile upon the most + astounding journey ever seen even in that land of brawny hammer-hurlers. + Up, up, up it soared, over the trees; high above the topmost turret of the + castle, and still on and on and ever upwards till it became a mere speck + in the zenith, and at last faded utterly from sight. + </p> + <p> + Then, and not till then, did the pent-up applause break out into such a + roar of cheering as Hechnahoul had never heard before in all its long + history. + </p> + <p> + “Eighty-five pounds of pig-iron gone straight to heaven!” gasped the + Silver King. “Guess that beats all records!” + </p> + <p> + “America must wake up!” frowned Ri. + </p> + <p> + Meanwhile the Baron, after bowing in turn towards all points of the + compass, turned confidentially to his friend. + </p> + <p> + “Vill not ze men that carried it——?” + </p> + <p> + “I've told 'em you'd give 'em a couple of sovereigns apiece.” + </p> + <p> + The Baron came from an economical nation. + </p> + <p> + “Two to each!” + </p> + <p> + “My dear fellow, wasn't it worth it?” + </p> + <p> + The Baron grasped his hand. + </p> + <p> + “Ja, mine Bonker, it vas! I vill pay zem.” + </p> + <p> + Radiant and smiling, he returned to receive the congratulations of his + guests, dreaming that his triumph was complete, and that nothing more + arduous remained than pleasant dalliance alternately with his Eleanor and + his Eva. But he speedily discovered that hurling an inflated hammer + heavenwards was child's play as compared with the simultaneous negotiation + of a double wooing. The first person to address him was the millionaire, + and he could not but feel a shiver of apprehension to note that he was + evidently in the midst of a conversation with Mr. Gallosh. + </p> + <p> + “I must congratulate you, Lord Tulliwuddle,” said Mr. Maddison, “and I + must further congratulate my daughter upon the almost miraculous feat you + have performed for her benefit. You know, I dare say”—here he turned + to Mr. Gallosh—“that this very delightful entertainment was given + primarily in my Eleanor's honor?” + </p> + <p> + “Whut!” exclaimed the merchant. “That's—eh—that's scarcely the + fac's as we've learned them. But his lordship will be able to tell you + best himself.” + </p> + <p> + His lordship smiled affably upon both, murmured something incoherent, and + passed on hastily towards the scarlet parasol of Eleanor. But he had no + sooner reached it than he paused and would have turned had she not seen + him, for under a blue parasol beside her he espied, too late, the fair + face of Eva, and too clearly perceived that the happy maidens had been + comparing notes, with the result that neither looked very happy now. + </p> + <p> + “I hope you do enjoy ze sports,” he began, endeavoring to distribute this + wish as equally as possible. + </p> + <p> + “Miss Gallosh has been remarkably fortunate in her weather,” said Eleanor, + and therewith gave him an uninterrupted view of her sunshade. + </p> + <p> + “Miss Maddison has seen you to great advantage, Lord Tulliwuddle,” said + Eva, affording him the next instant a similar prospect of silk. + </p> + <p> + The unfortunate chief recoiled from this ungrateful reception of his + kindness. Only one refuge, one mediator, he instinctively looked for; but + where could the Count have gone? + </p> + <p> + “Himmel! Has he deserted me?” he muttered, frantically elbowing his way in + search of him. + </p> + <p> + But this once it happened that the Count was engaged upon business of his + own. Strolling outside the ring of spectators, with a view to enjoying a + cigar and a little relaxation from the anxieties of stage-management, his + attention had been arrested in a singular and flattering way. At that + place where he happened to be passing stood an open carriage containing a + girl and an older lady, evidently guests from the neighborhood personally + unknown to his lordship, and just as he went by he heard pronounced in a + thrilling whisper—“THAT must be Count Bunker!” + </p> + <p> + The Count was too well-bred to turn at once, but it is hardly necessary to + say that a few moments later he casually repassed the carriage; nor will + it astonish any who have been kind enough to follow his previous career + with some degree of attention to learn that when opposite the ladies he + paused, looked from them to the enclosure and back again, and presently + raising his feathered bonnet, said in the most ingratiating tones— + </p> + <p> + “Pardon me, but I am requested by Lord Tulliwuddle to show any attention I + can to the comfort of his guests. Can you see well from where you are?” + </p> + <p> + The younger lady with an eager air assured him that they saw perfectly, + and even in the course of the three or four sentences she spoke he was + able to come to several conclusions regarding her: that her companion was + in a subsidiary and doubtless salaried position; that she herself was + decidedly attractive to look upon; that her voice had spoken the whispered + words; and that her present animated air might safely be attributed rather + to the fact that she addressed Count Bunker than to the subject-matter of + her reply. + </p> + <p> + No one possessed in a higher degree than the Count the nice art of + erecting a whole conversation upon the foundation of the lightest phrase. + He contrived a reply to the lady's answer, was able to put the most + natural question next, to follow that with a happy stroke of wit, and + within three minutes to make it seem the most obvious thing in the world + that he should be saying + </p> + <p> + “I am sure that Lord Tulliwuddle will never forgive me if I fail to learn + the names of any visitors who have honored him to-day.” + </p> + <p> + “Mine,” said the girl, her color rising slightly, but her glance as kind + as ever, “is Julia Wallingford. This is my friend Miss Minchell.” + </p> + <p> + The Count bowed. + </p> + <p> + “And may I introduce myself as a friend of Tulliwuddle's, answering to the + name of Count Bunker.” + </p> + <p> + Again Miss Wallingford's color rose. In a low and ardent voice she began + </p> + <p> + “I am so glad to meet you! Your name is already——” + </p> + <p> + But at that instant, when the Count was bending forward to catch the words + and the lady bending down to utter them, a hand grasped him by the sleeve, + and the Baron's voice exclaimed, + </p> + <p> + “Come, Bonker, quickly here to help me!” + </p> + <p> + He would fain have presented his lordship to the ladies, but the Baron was + too hurried to pause, and with a parting bow he was reluctantly borne off + to assist his friend out of his latest dilemma. + </p> + <p> + “Pooh, my dear Baron!” he cried, when the situation was explained to him; + “you couldn't have done more damage to their hearts if you had hurled your + hammer at them! A touch of jealousy was all that was needed to complete + your conquests. But for me you have spoiled the most promising affair + imaginable. There goes their carriage trotting down the drive! And I shall + probably never know whether my name was already in her heart or in her + prayers. Those are the two chief receptacles for gentlemen's names, I + believe—aren't they, Baron?” + </p> + <p> + On his advice the rival families were left to the soothing influences of a + good dinner and a night's sleep, and he found himself free to ponder over + his interrupted adventure. + </p> + <p> + “Undoubtedly one feels all the better for a little appreciation,” he + reflected complacently. “I wonder if it was my trews that bowled her + over?” + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2HCH0025" id="link2HCH0025"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + CHAPTER XXV + </h2> + <p> + The Count next morning consumed a solitary breakfast, his noble friend + having risen some hours previously and gone for an early walk upon the + hill. But he was far from feeling any trace of boredom, since an open + letter beside his plate appeared to provide him with an ample fund of + pleasant and entertaining reflections. + </p> + <p> + “I have not withered yet,” he said to himself. “Here is proof positive + that some blossom, some aroma remains!” + </p> + <p> + The precise terms of this encouraging epistle were these: + </p> + <p> + “THE LASH, near NETHERBRIG. + </p> + <p> + “Tuesday night. + </p> + <p> + “DEAR COUNT BUNKER,—Forgive what must seem to you INCREDIBLE + boldness (!), and do not think worse of me than I deserve. It seems such a + pity that you should be so near and yet that I should lose this chance of + gratifying my great desire. If you knew how I prized the name of Bunker + you would understand; but no doubt I am only one among many, and you do + understand better than I can explain. + </p> + <p> + “My father is away from home, and the WORLD dictates prudence; but I know + your views on conventionality are those I too have learned to share, so + will you come and see me before you leave Scotland? + </p> + <p> + “With kindest regards and in great haste because I want you to get this + to-morrow morning. Believe me, yours very sincerely, + </p> + <p> + “JULIA WALLINGFORD.” + </p> + <p> + “P.S.—If it would upset your arrangements to come only for the day, + Miss Minchell agrees with me that we could easily put you up.—J. W.” + </p> + <p> + “By Jingo!” mused the Count, “that's what I call a sporting offer. Her + father away from home, and Count Bunker understanding better than she can + explain! Gad, it's my duty to go!” + </p> + <p> + But besides the engaging cordiality of Miss Wallingford's invitation, + there was something about the letter that puzzled almost as much as it + cheered him. + </p> + <p> + “She prizes the name of Bunker, does she? Never struck me it was very + ornamental; and in any case the compliment seems a trifle stretched. But, + hang it! this is looking a gift-horse in the mouth. Such ardor deserves to + be embraced, not dissected.” + </p> + <p> + He swiftly debated how best to gratify the lady. Last night it had been + his own counsel, and likewise the Baron's desire, to leave by the night + mail that very evening, with their laurels still unfaded and blessings + heaped upon their heads. Why not make his next stage The Lash? + </p> + <p> + “Hang it, the Baron has had such a good innings that he can scarcely + grudge me a short knock,” he said to himself. “He can wait for me at Perth + or somewhere.” + </p> + <p> + And, ringing the bell, he wrote and promptly despatched this brief + telegram: + </p> + <p> + “Delighted. Shall spend to-night in passing. Bunker.” + </p> + <p> + Hardly was this point settled when the footman re-entered to inform him + that Mr. Maddison's motor car was at the door waiting to convey him + without delay to Lincoln Lodge. Accompanying this announcement came the + Silver King's card bearing the words, “Please come and see me at once.” + </p> + <p> + The Count stroked his chin, and lit a cigarette. + </p> + <p> + “There is something fresh in the wind,” thought he. + </p> + <p> + In the course of his forty-miles-an-hour rush through the odors of pine + woods, he had time to come to a pretty correct conclusion regarding the + business before him, and was thus enabled to adopt the mien most suitable + to the contingency when he found himself ushered into the presence of the + millionaire and his son. The set look upon their faces, the ceremonious + manner of their greeting, and the low buzzing of the phonograph, audible + above the tinkle of a musical box ingeniously intended to drown it, + confirmed his guess even before a word had passed. + </p> + <p> + “Be seated, Count,” said the Silver King; and the Count sat. + </p> + <p> + “Now, sir,” he continued, “I have sent for you, owing, sir, to the high + opinion I have formed of your intelligence and business capabilities.” + </p> + <p> + The Count bowed profoundly. + </p> + <p> + “Yes, sir, I believe, and my son believes, you to be a white man, even + though you are a Count.” + </p> + <p> + “That is so,” said Ri. + </p> + <p> + “Now, sir, you must be aware—in fact, you ARE aware—of the + matrimonial project once entertained between my daughter and Lord + Tulliwuddle.” + </p> + <p> + “Once!” exclaimed the Count in protest. + </p> + <p> + “ONCE!” echoed Ri in his deepest voice. + </p> + <p> + “Hish, Ri! Let your poppa do the talking this time,” said the millionaire + sternly, though with an indulgent eye. + </p> + <p> + “But—er—ONCE?” repeated the Count, as if bewildered by the + past tense implied; though to himself he murmured—“I knew it!” + </p> + <p> + “When I gave my sanction to Lord Tulliwuddle's proposition, I did so under + the impression that I was doing a deal with a man, sir, of integrity and + honor. But what do I find?” + </p> + <p> + “Yes, what?” thundered Ri. + </p> + <p> + “I find, sir, that his darned my-lordship—and be damned to his + titles——” + </p> + <p> + “Mr. Maddison!” expostulated the Count gently. + </p> + <p> + “I find, Count, I find that Lord Tulliwuddle, under pretext of paying my + Eleanor a compliment, has provided an entertainment—a musical and + athletic entertainment—for another woman!” + </p> + <p> + The Count sprang to his feet. + </p> + <p> + “Impossible!” he cried. + </p> + <p> + “It is true!” + </p> + <p> + “Name her!” + </p> + <p> + “She answers, sir, to the plebeian cognomen of Gallosh.” + </p> + <p> + “A nobody!” sneered Ri. + </p> + <p> + “In trade!” added his father scornfully. + </p> + <p> + Had the occasion been more propitious, the Count could scarcely have + refrained from commenting upon this remarkably republican criticism; but, + as it was, he deemed it more advisable to hunt with the hounds. + </p> + <p> + “That canaille!” he shouted. “Ha, ha! Lord Tulliwuddle would never so far + demean himself!” + </p> + <p> + “I have it from old Gallosh himself,” declared Mr. Maddison. + </p> + <p> + “And that girl Gallosh told Eleanor the same,” added Ri. + </p> + <p> + “Pooh!” cried the Count. “A mere invention.” + </p> + <p> + “You are certain, sir, that Lord Tulliwuddle gave them no grounds whatever + for supposing such a thing?” + </p> + <p> + “I pledge my reputation as Count of the Austrian Empire, that if my friend + be indeed a Tulliwuddle he is faithful to your charming daughter!” + </p> + <p> + Father and son looked at him shrewdly. + </p> + <p> + “Being a Tulliwuddle, or any other sort of pampered aristocrat, doesn't + altogether guarantee faithfulness,” observed the Silver King. + </p> + <p> + “If he has deceived you, he shall answer to ME!” declared the Count. “And + between ourselves, as nature's gentleman to nature's gentleman, you may + assure Miss Maddison that there is not the remotest likelihood of this + scheming Miss Gallosh ever becoming my friend's bride!” + </p> + <p> + The two Dariuses were sensibly affected by this assurance. + </p> + <p> + “As nature's gentleman to nature's gentleman!” repeated the elder with + unction, wringing his hand. + </p> + <p> + His son displayed an equal enthusiasm, and the Count departed with an + enhanced reputation and the lingering fragrance of a cocktail upon his + tongue. + </p> + <p> + “Now I think we are in comparatively smooth water,” he said to himself as + he whizzed back to the castle. + </p> + <p> + At the door he was received by the butler. + </p> + <p> + “Mr. Gallosh is waiting for you in the library, my lord,” said he, adding + confidentially (since the Count had endeared himself to all), “He's + terrible impatient for to see your lordship.” + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2HCH0026" id="link2HCH0026"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + CHAPTER XXVI + </h2> + <p> + Evidently Mr. Gallosh, while waiting for the Count's return, had so worked + up his wrath that it was ready to explode on a hair-trigger touch; and, as + evidently, his guest's extreme urbanity made it exceedingly difficult to + carry out his threatening intentions. + </p> + <p> + “I want a word with you, Count. I've been wanting a word with you all + morning,” he began. + </p> + <p> + “Believe me, Mr. Gallosh, I appreciate the compliment.” + </p> + <p> + “Where were you? I mean it was verra annoying not to find you when I + wanted you.” + </p> + <p> + The merchant was so evidently divided between anxiety to blurt out his + mind while it was yet hot from the making up, and desire not to affront a + guest and a man of rank, that the Count could scarcely restrain a smile. + </p> + <p> + “It is equally annoying to myself. I should have enjoyed a conversation + with you at any hour since breakfast.” + </p> + <p> + “Umph,” replied his host. + </p> + <p> + “What can I do for you now?” + </p> + <p> + Mr. Gallosh looked at him steadfastly. + </p> + <p> + “Count Bunker,” said he, “I am only a plain man——” + </p> + <p> + “The ladies, I assure you, are not of that opinion,” interposed the Count + politely. + </p> + <p> + Mr. Gallosh seemed to him to receive this compliment with more suspicion + than pleasure. + </p> + <p> + “I'm saying,” he repeated, “that I'm only a plain man of business, and you + and your friend are what you'd call swells.” + </p> + <p> + “God forbid that I should!” the Count interjected fervently. “'Toffs,' + possibly—but no matter, please continue.” + </p> + <p> + “Well, now, so long as his lordship likes to treat me and my family as + kind of belonging to a different sphere, I'm well enough content. I make + no pretensions, Count, to be better than what I am.” + </p> + <p> + “I also, Mr. Gallosh, endeavor to affect a similar modesty. It's rather + becoming, I think, to a fine-looking man.” + </p> + <p> + “It's becoming to any kind of man that he should know his place. But I was + saying, I'd have been content if his lordship had been distant and polite + and that kind of thing. But was he? You know yourself, Count, how he's + behaved!” + </p> + <p> + “Perfectly politely, I trust.” + </p> + <p> + “But he's not been what you'd call distant, Count Bunker. In fac', the + long and the short of it is just this—what's his intentions towards + my Eva?” + </p> + <p> + “Is it Mrs. Gallosh who desires this information?” + </p> + <p> + “It is. And myself too; oh, I'm not behindhand where the reputation of my + daughters is concerned!” + </p> + <p> + “Mrs. G. has screwed him up to this,” said the Count to himself. Aloud, he + asked with his blandest air— + </p> + <p> + “Was not Lord Tulliwuddle available himself?” + </p> + <p> + “No; he's gone out.” + </p> + <p> + “Alone?” + </p> + <p> + “No, not alone.” + </p> + <p> + “In brief, with Miss Gallosh?” + </p> + <p> + “Quite so; and what'll he be saying to her?” + </p> + <p> + “He is a man of such varied information that it's hard to guess.” + </p> + <p> + “From all I hear, there's not been much variety so far,” said Mr. Gallosh + drily. + </p> + <p> + “Dear me!” observed the Count. + </p> + <p> + His host looked at him for a few moments. + </p> + <p> + “Well?” he demanded at length. + </p> + <p> + “Pardon me if I am stupid, but what comment do you expect me to make?” + </p> + <p> + “Well, you see, we all know quite well you're more in his lordship's + confidence than any one else in the house, and I'd take it as a favor if + you'd just give me your honest opinion. Is he just playing himself—or + what?” + </p> + <p> + The worthy Mr. Gallosh was so evidently sincere, and looked at him with + such an appealing eye, that the Count found the framing of a suitable + reply the hardest task that had yet been set him. + </p> + <p> + “Mr. Gallosh, if I were in Tulliwuddle's shoes I can only say that I + should consider myself a highly fortunate individual; and I do sincerely + believe that that is his own conviction also.” + </p> + <p> + “You think so?” + </p> + <p> + “I do indeed.” + </p> + <p> + Though sensibly relieved, Mr. Gallosh still felt vaguely conscious that if + he attempted to repeat this statement for the satisfaction of his wife, he + would find it hard to make it sound altogether as reassuring as when + accompanied by the Count's sympathetic voice. He ruminated for a minute, + and then suddenly recalled what the Count's evasive answers and + sympathetic assurances had driven from his mind. Yet it was, in fact, the + chief occasion of concern. + </p> + <p> + “Do you know, Count Bunker, what his lordship has gone and done?” + </p> + <p> + “Should one inquire too specifically?” smiled the Count; but Mr. Gallosh + remained unmoved. + </p> + <p> + “You can bear me witness that he told us he was giving this gathering in + my Eva's honor?” + </p> + <p> + “Undoubtedly.” + </p> + <p> + “Well, he went and told Miss Maddison it was for her sake?” + </p> + <p> + “Incredible!” + </p> + <p> + “It's a fact!” + </p> + <p> + “I refuse to believe my friend guilty of such perfidy! Who told you this?” + </p> + <p> + “The Maddisons themselves.” + </p> + <p> + “Ha, ha!” laughed the Count, as heartily as he had laughed at Lincoln + Lodge; “don't you know these Americans sometimes draw the long bow?” + </p> + <p> + “You mean to say you don't believe they told the truth?” + </p> + <p> + “My dear Mr. Gallosh, I would answer you in the oft-quoted words of Horace—'Arma + virumque cano.' The philosophy of a solar system is some times compressed + within an eggshell. Say nothing and see!” + </p> + <p> + He shook his host heartily by the hand as he spoke, and Mr. Gallosh, to + his subsequent perplexity, found the interview apparently at a + satisfactory conclusion. + </p> + <p> + “And now,” said the Count to himself, “'Bolt!' is the word.” + </p> + <p> + As he set about his packing in the half-hour that yet remained before + luncheon, he was surprised to note that his friend had evidently left no + orders yet concerning any preparations for his departure. + </p> + <p> + “Confound him! I thought he had made up his mind last night! Ah, there he + comes—and singing, too, by Jingo! If he wants another day's + dalliance——” + </p> + <p> + At this point his reflections were interrupted by the entrance of the + jovial Baron himself. He stopped and stared at his friend. + </p> + <p> + “Vat for do you pack up?” + </p> + <p> + “Because we leave this afternoon.” + </p> + <p> + “Ach, Bonker, absurd! To-morrow—yes, to-morrow ve vill leave.” + </p> + <p> + Bunker folded his arms and looked at him seriously. + </p> + <p> + “I have had two interviews this morning—one with Mr. Maddison, the + other with Mr. Gallosh. They were neither of them pleased with you, + Baron.” + </p> + <p> + “Not pleased? Vat did zey say?” + </p> + <p> + Depicting the ire of these gentlemen in the most vivid terms, the Count + gave him a summary of his morning's labors. + </p> + <p> + “Pooh, pooh! Tuts, tuts!” exclaimed the Baron. “I vill make zat all right; + never do you fear. Eva, she does smile on me already. Eleanor, she vill + also ven I see her. Leave it to me.” + </p> + <p> + “You won't go to-day?” + </p> + <p> + “To-morrow, Bonker, I swear I vill for certain!” + </p> + <p> + Bonker pondered. + </p> + <p> + “Hang it!” he exclaimed. “The worst of it is, I've pledged myself to go + upon a visit.” + </p> + <p> + The Baron listened to the tale of his incipient romance with the greatest + relish. + </p> + <p> + “Bot go, my friend! Bot go!” he cried, “and zen come back here to-morrow + and ve vill leave togezzer.” + </p> + <p> + “Leave you alone, with the barometer falling and the storm-cone hoisted? I + don't like to, Baron.” + </p> + <p> + “Bot to leave zat leetle girl—eh, Bonker? How is zat?” + </p> + <p> + “Was ever a man so torn between two duties!” exclaimed the conscientious + Count. + </p> + <p> + “Ladies come first!” quoth the Baron. + </p> + <p> + Bunker was obviously strongly tending to this opinion also. + </p> + <p> + “Can I trust you to guide your own destinies without me?” + </p> + <p> + The Baron drew himself up with a touch of indignation. + </p> + <p> + “Am I a child or a fool? I have guided mine destiny vary vell so far, and + I zink I can still so do. Ven vill you go to see Miss Wallingford?” + </p> + <p> + “I'll hire a trap from the village after lunch and be off about four,” + said the Count. “Long live the ladies! Learn wisdom by my example! Will + this tie conquer her, do you think?” + </p> + <p> + In this befitting spirit he drove off that afternoon, and the Baron, after + waving his adieus from the door, strode brimful of confidence towards the + drawing-room. His thoughts must have gone astray, for he turned by + accident into the wrong room—a small apartment hardly used at all; + and before he had time to turn back he stopped petrified at the sight of a + picture on the wall. There could be no mistake—it was the original + of that ill-omened print he had seen in the Edinburgh hotel, “The + Execution of Lord Tulliwuddle.” The actual title was there plain to see. + </p> + <p> + “Zen it vas not a hoax!” he gasped. + </p> + <p> + His first impulse was to look for a bicycle and tear after the dog-cart. + </p> + <p> + “But can I ride him in a kilt?” he reflected. + </p> + <p> + By the time he had fully debated this knotty point his friend was miles + upon his way, and the Baron was left ruefully to lament his rashness in + parting with such an ally. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2HCH0027" id="link2HCH0027"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + CHAPTER XXVII + </h2> + <p> + During the horrid period of suspense that followed her visit to Sir + Justin, the Baroness von Blitzenberg naturally enough felt disinclined to + go much into society, and in fact rarely went out at all during the + Baron's absence, except to the houses of one or two of her mother's + particular friends. Even then she felt much more inclined to stay at home. + </p> + <p> + “Need we go to Mrs. Jerwin-Speedy's to-night?” she said one afternoon. + </p> + <p> + “Certainly,” replied the Countess decisively. + </p> + <p> + Alicia sighed submissively; but this attitude was abruptly changed into + one of readiness, nay, even of alacrity, when her mother remarked— + </p> + <p> + “By the way, she is an aunt of the present Tulliwuddle. I believe it was + you who were asking about him the other day.” + </p> + <p> + “Was I?” said the Baroness carelessly; but she offered no further + objections to attending Mrs. Jerwin-Speedy's reception. + </p> + <p> + She found there a large number of people compressed into a couple of small + rooms, and she soon felt so lost in the crush of strangers, and the + chances of obtaining any information about Lord Tulliwuddle or his Eva + seemed so remote, that she soon began to wish herself comfortably at home + again, even though it were only to fret. But fortune, which had so long + been unkind to her and indulgent to her erring spouse, chose that night as + the turning-point in her tide of favors. Little dreaming how much hung on + a mere introduction, Mrs. Jerwin-Speedy led up to the Baroness an + apparently nervous and diffident young man. + </p> + <p> + “Let me introduce my nephew, Lord Tulliwuddle—the Baroness von + Blitzenberg,” said she; and having innocently hurled this bomb, retired + from further participation in the drama. + </p> + <p> + With young and diffident men Alicia had a pleasant instinct for conducting + herself as smilingly as though they were the greatest wits about the town. + The envious of her sex declared that it was because she scarcely + recognized the difference; but be that as it may, it served her on this + occasion in the most admirable stead. She detached the agitated peer from + the thickest of the throng, propped him beside her against the wall, and + by her kindness at length unloosed his tongue. Then it was she began to + suspect that his nervous manner must surely be due to some peculiar + circumstance rather than mere constitutional shyness. Made observant by + her keen curiosity, she noticed at first a worried, almost hunted, look in + his eyes and an extreme impatience of scrutiny by his fellow-guests; but + as he gained confidence in her kindness and discretion these passed away, + and he appeared simply a garrulous young man, with a tolerably good + opinion of himself. + </p> + <p> + “Poor fellow! He is in trouble of some kind. Something to do with Eva, of + course!” she said to her sympathetically. + </p> + <p> + The genuine Tulliwuddle had indeed some cause for perturbation. After + keeping himself out of the way of all his friends and most of his + acquaintances ever since the departure of his substitute, hearing nothing + of what was happening at Hechnahoul, and living in daily dread of the + ignominious exposure of their plot, he had stumbled by accident against + his aunt, explained his prolonged absence from her house with the utmost + difficulty, and found himself forced to appease her wounded feelings by + appearing where he least wished to be seen—in a crowded London + reception-room. No wonder the unfortunate young man seemed nervous and ill + at ease. + </p> + <p> + As for Alicia, she was consumed with anxiety to know why he was here and + not in Scotland, as Sir Justin had supposed; and, indeed, to learn a + number of things. And now they were rapidly getting on sufficiently + familiar terms for her to put a tactful question or two. Encouraged by her + sympathy, he began to touch upon his own anxieties. + </p> + <p> + “A young man ought to get married, I suppose,” he remarked confidentially. + </p> + <p> + The Baroness smiled. + </p> + <p> + “That depends on whether he likes any one well enough to marry her, + doesn't it?” + </p> + <p> + He sighed. + </p> + <p> + “Do you think—honestly now,” he said solemnly, “that one should + marry for love or marry for money?” + </p> + <p> + “For love, certainly!” + </p> + <p> + “You really think so? You'd advise—er—advise a fellow to blow + the prejudices of his friends, and that sort of thing?” + </p> + <p> + “I should have to know a little more about the case.” + </p> + <p> + He was evidently longing for a confidant. + </p> + <p> + “Suppose er—one girl was ripping, but—well—on the stage, + for instance.” + </p> + <p> + “On the stage!” exclaimed the Baroness. “Yes, please go on. What about the + other girl?” + </p> + <p> + “Suppose she had simply pots of money, but the fellow didn't know much + more about her?” + </p> + <p> + “I certainly shouldn't marry a girl I didn't know a good deal about,” said + the Baroness with conviction. + </p> + <p> + Lord Tulliwuddle seemed impressed with this opinion. + </p> + <p> + “That's just what I have begun to think,” said he, and gazed down at his + pumps with a meditative air. + </p> + <p> + The Baroness thought the moment had come when she could effect a pretty + little surprise. + </p> + <p> + “Which of them is called Eva?” she asked archly. + </p> + <p> + To her intense disappointment he merely stared. + </p> + <p> + “Don't you really know any girl called Eva?” + </p> + <p> + He shook his head. + </p> + <p> + “Can't think of any one.” + </p> + <p> + Suspicion, fear, bewilderment, made her reckless. + </p> + <p> + “Have you been in Scotland—at your castle, as I heard you were + going?” + </p> + <p> + A mighty change came over the young man. He backed away from her, + stammering hurriedly, + </p> + <p> + “No—yes—I—er—why do you ask me that?” + </p> + <p> + “Is there any other Lord Tulliwuddle?” she demanded breathlessly. + </p> + <p> + He gave her one wild look, and then without so much as a farewell had + turned and elbowed his way out of the room. + </p> + <p> + “It's all up!” he said to himself. “There's no use trying to play that + game any longer—Essington has muddled it somehow. Well, I'm free to + do what I like now!” + </p> + <p> + In this state of mind he found himself in the street, hailed the first + hansom, and drove headlong from the dangerous regions of Belgravia. + </p> + <p> + . . . . . . + </p> + <p> + Till the middle of the next day the Baroness still managed to keep her own + counsel, though she was now so alarmed that she was twenty times on the + point of telling everything to her mother. But the arrival of a note from + Sir Justin ended her irresolution. It ran thus: + </p> + <p> + “MY DEAR ALICIA,—I have just learned for certain that Lord T. is at + his place in Scotland. Singularly enough, he is described as apparently of + foreign extraction, and I hear that he is accompanied by a friend of the + name of Count Bunker. I am just setting out for the North myself, and + trust that I may be able to elucidate the mystery. Yours very truly, + </p> + <p> + “JUSTIN WALLINGFORD.” + </p> + <p> + “Foreign extraction! Count Bunker!” gasped the Baroness; and without + stopping to debate the matter again, she rushed into her mother's arms, + and there sobbed out the strange story of her second letter and the two + Lord Tulliwuddles. + </p> + <p> + It were difficult to say whether anger at her daughter's deceit, + indignation with the treacherous Baron, or a stern pleasure in finding her + worst prognostications in a fair way to being proved, was the uppermost + emotion in Lady Grillyer's mind when she had listened to this relation. + Certainly poor Alicia could not but think that sympathy for her troubles + formed no ingredient in the mixture. + </p> + <p> + “To think of your concealing this from me for so long!” she cried: “and + Sir Justin abetting you! I shall tell him very plainly what I think of + him! But if my daughter sets an example in treachery, what can one expect + of one's friends?” + </p> + <p> + “After all, mamma, it was my own and Rudolph's concern more than your's!” + exclaimed Alicia, flaring up for an instant. + </p> + <p> + “Don't answer me, child!” thundered the Countess. “Fetch me a railway + time-table, and say nothing that may add to your sin!” + </p> + <p> + “A time-table, mamma? What for?” + </p> + <p> + “I am going to Scotland,” pronounced the Countess. + </p> + <p> + “Then I shall go too!” + </p> + <p> + “Indeed you shall not. You will wait here till I have brought Rudolph back + to you.” + </p> + <p> + The Baroness said nothing aloud, but within her wounded heart she thought + bitterly, + </p> + <p> + “Mamma seems to forget that even worms will turn sometimes!” + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2HCH0028" id="link2HCH0028"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + CHAPTER XXVIII + </h2> + <p> + “A decidedly delectable residence,” said Count Bunker to himself as his + dog-cart approached the lodge gates of The Lash. “And a very proper + setting for the pleasant scenes so shortly to be enacted. Lodge, avenue, a + bogus turret or two, and a flagstaff on top of 'em—by Gad, I think + one may safely assume a tolerable cellar in such a mansion.” + </p> + <p> + As he drove up the avenue between a double line of ancient elms and + sycamores, his satisfaction increased and his spirits rose ever higher. + </p> + <p> + “I wonder if I can forecast the evening: a game of three-handed bridge, in + which I trust I'll be lucky enough to lose a little silver, that'll put + 'em in good-humor and make old Miss What-d'ye-may-call-her the more + willing to go to bed early; then the departure of the chaperon; and then + the tete-a-tete! I hope to Heaven I haven't got rusty!” + </p> + <p> + With considerable satisfaction he ran over the outfit he had brought, + deeming it even on second thoughts a singularly happy selection: the + dining coat with pale-blue lapels, the white tie of a new material and cut + borrowed from the Baron's finery, the socks so ravishingly embroidered + that he had more than once caught the ladies at Hechnahoul casting + affectionate glances upon them. + </p> + <p> + “A first-class turn-out,” he thought. “And what a lucky thing I thought of + borrowing a banjo from young Gallosh! A coon song in the twilight will + break the ground prettily.” + </p> + <p> + By this time they had stopped before the door, and an elderly man-servant, + instead of waiting for the Count, came down the steps to meet him. In his + manner there was something remarkably sheepish and constrained, and, to + the Count's surprise, he thrust forth his hand almost as if he expected it + to be shaken. Bunker, though a trifle puzzled, promptly handed him the + banjo case, remarking pleasantly— + </p> + <p> + “My banjo; take care of it, please.” + </p> + <p> + The man started so violently that he all but dropped it upon the steps. + </p> + <p> + “What the deuce did he think I said?” wondered the Count. “'Banjo' can't + have sounded 'dynamite.'” + </p> + <p> + He entered the house, and found himself in a pleasant hall, where his + momentary uneasiness was at once forgotten in the charming welcome of his + hostess. Not only she, but her chaperon, received him with a flattering + warmth that realized his utmost expectations. + </p> + <p> + “It was so good of you to come!” cried Miss Wallingford. + </p> + <p> + “So very kind,” murmured Miss Minchell. + </p> + <p> + “I knew you wouldn't think it too unorthodox!” added Julia. + </p> + <p> + “I'm afraid orthodoxy is a crime I shall never swing for,” said the Count, + with his most charming smile. + </p> + <p> + “I am sure my father wouldn't REALLY mind,” said Julia. + </p> + <p> + “Not if Sir Justin shared your enthusiasm, dear,” added Miss Minchell. + </p> + <p> + “I must teach him to!” + </p> + <p> + “Good Lord!” thought the Count. “This is friendly indeed.” + </p> + <p> + A few minutes passed in the exchange of these preliminaries, and then his + hostess said, with a pretty little air of discipleship that both charmed + and slightly puzzled him, + </p> + <p> + “You do still think that nobody should dine later than six, don't you? I + have ordered dinner for six to-night.” + </p> + <p> + “Six!” exclaimed the Count, but recovering himself, added, “An ideal hour—and + it is half-past five now. Perhaps I had better think of dressing.” + </p> + <p> + “What YOU call dressing!” smiled Julia, to his justifiable amazement. “Let + me show you to your room.” + </p> + <p> + She led him upstairs, and finally stopped before an open door. + </p> + <p> + “There!” she said, with an air of pride. “It is really my father's bedroom + when he is at home, but I've had it specially prepared for YOU! Is it just + as you would like?” + </p> + <p> + Bunker was incapable of observing anything very particularly beyond the + fact that the floor was uncarpeted, and as nearly free from furniture as a + bedroom floor could well be. + </p> + <p> + “It is ravishing!” he murmured, and dismissed her with a well-feigned + smile. + </p> + <p> + Bereft even of expletives, he gazed round the apartment prepared for him. + It was a few moments before he could bring himself to make a tour of its + vast bleakness. + </p> + <p> + “I suppose that's what they call a truckle-bed,” he mused. “Oh, there is + one chair—nothing but cold water-towels made of vegetable fibre + apparently. The devil take me, is this a reformatory for bogus noblemen!” + </p> + <p> + He next gazed at the bare whitewashed wall. On it hung one picture—the + portrait of a strangely attired man. + </p> + <p> + “What a shocking-looking fellow!” he exclaimed, and went up to examine it + more closely. + </p> + <p> + Then, with a stupefying shock, he read this legend beneath it: + </p> + <p> + “Count Bunker. Philosopher, teacher, and martyr.” + </p> + <p> + For a minute he stared in rapt amazement, and then sharply rang the bell. + </p> + <p> + “Hang it,” he said to himself, “I must throw a little light on this + somehow!” + </p> + <p> + Presently the elderly man-servant appeared, this time in a state of still + more obvious confusion. For a moment he stared at the Count—who was + too discomposed by his manner to open his lips—and then, once more + stretching out his hand, exclaimed in a choked voice and a strong Scotch + accent— + </p> + <p> + “How are ye, Bunker!” + </p> + <p> + “What the deuce!” shouted the Count, evading the proffered hand-shake with + an agile leap. + </p> + <p> + The poor fellow turned scarlet, and in an humble voice blurted out— + </p> + <p> + “She told me to do it! Miss Julia said ye'd like me to shake hands and + just ca' ye plain Bunker. I beg your pardon, sir; oh, I beg your pardon + humbly!” + </p> + <p> + The Count looked at him keenly. + </p> + <p> + “He is evidently telling the truth,” he thought. + </p> + <p> + Thereupon he took from his pocket half a sovereign. + </p> + <p> + “My good fellow,” he began. “By the way, what's your name?” + </p> + <p> + “Mackenzie, sir.” + </p> + <p> + “Mackenzie, my honest friend, I clearly perceive that Miss Wallingford, in + her very kind efforts to gratify my unconventional tastes, has put herself + to quite unnecessary trouble. She has even succeeded in surprising me, and + I should be greatly obliged if you would kindly explain to me the reasons + for her conduct, so far as you can.” + </p> + <p> + At this point the half-sovereign changed hands. + </p> + <p> + “In the first place,” resumed the Count, “what is the meaning of this + remarkably villainous portrait labelled with my name?” + </p> + <p> + “That, sir,” stammered Mackenzie, greatly taken aback by the inquiry. + “Why, sir, that's the famous Count Bunker—your uncle, sir, is he + no'?” + </p> + <p> + Bunker began to see a glimmer of light, though the vista it illumined was + scarcely a much pleasanter prospect than the previous bank of fog. He + remembered now, for the first time since his journey north, that the + Baron, in dubbing him Count Bunker, had encouraged him to take the title + on the ground that it was a real dignity once borne by a famous personage; + and in a flash he realized the pitfalls that awaited a solitary false + step. + </p> + <p> + “THAT my uncle!” he exclaimed with an air of pleased surprise, examining + the portrait more attentively; “by Gad, I suppose it is! But I can't say + it is a flattering likeness. 'Philosopher, teacher, and martyr'—how + apt a description! I hadn't noticed that before, or I should have known at + once who it was.” + </p> + <p> + Still Mackenzie was looking at him with a perplexed and uneasy air. + </p> + <p> + “Miss Wallingford, sir, seems under the impression that you would be + wanting jist the same kind of things as he likit,” he remarked + diffidently. + </p> + <p> + The Count laughed. + </p> + <p> + “Hence the condemned cell she's put me in? I see! Ha, ha! No, Mackenzie, I + have moved with the times. In fact, my uncle's philosophy and teachings + always struck me as hardly suitable for a gentleman.” + </p> + <p> + “I was thinking that mysel',” observed Mackenzie. + </p> + <p> + “Well, you understand now how things are, don't you? By the way, you + haven't put out my evening clothes, I notice.” + </p> + <p> + “You werena to dress, sir, Miss Julia said.” + </p> + <p> + “Not to dress! What the deuce does she expect me to dine in?” + </p> + <p> + With a sheepish grin Mackenzie pointed to something upon the bed which the + Count had hitherto taken to be a rough species of quilt. + </p> + <p> + “She said you might like to wear that, sir.” + </p> + <p> + The Count took it up. + </p> + <p> + “It appears to be a dressing-gown!” said he. + </p> + <p> + “She said, sir, your uncle was wont to dine in it.” + </p> + <p> + “Ah! It's one of my poor uncle's eccentricities, is it? Very nice of Miss + Wallingford; but all the same I think you can put out my evening clothes + for me; and, I say, get me some hot water and a couple of towels that feel + a little less like sandpaper, will you? By the way—one moment, + Mackenzie!—you needn't mention anything of this to Miss Wallingford. + I'll explain it all to her myself.” + </p> + <p> + It is remarkable how the presence or absence of a few of the very minor + accessories of life will affect the humor even of a man so essentially + philosophical as Count Bunker. His equanimity was most marvelously + restored by a single jugful of hot water, and by the time he came to + survey his blue lapels in the mirror the completest confidence shone in + his humorous eyes. + </p> + <p> + “How deuced pleased she'll be to find I'm a white man after all,” he + reflected. “Supposing I'd really turned out a replica of that unshaved + heathen on the wall—poor girl, what a dull evening she'd have spent! + Perhaps I'd better break the news gently for the chaperon's sake, but once + we get her of to bed I rather fancy the fair Julia and I will smile + together over my dear uncle's dressing-gown!” + </p> + <p> + And in this humor he strode forth to conquer. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2HCH0029" id="link2HCH0029"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + CHAPTER XXIX + </h2> + <p> + Count Bunker could not but observe that Miss Wallingford's eyes expressed + more surprise than pleasure when he entered the drawing-room, and he was + confirmed in his resolution to let his true character appear but + gradually. Afterwards he could not congratulate himself too heartily on + this prudent decision. + </p> + <p> + “I fear,” he said, “that I am late.” (It was in fact half-past six by + now.) “I have been searching through my wardrobe to find some nether + garments at all appropriate to the overall—if I may so term it—which + you were kind enough to lay out for me. But I found mustard of that + particular shade so hard to match that I finally decided in favor of this + more conventional habit. I trust you don't mind?” + </p> + <p> + Both the ladies, though evidently disappointed, excused him with much + kindness, and Miss Minchell alluded directly to his blue lapels as + evidence that even now he held himself somewhat aloof from strict + orthodoxy. + </p> + <p> + “May we see any allusion to your uncle, the late Count Bunker, in his + choice of color?” she asked in a reverently hushed voice. + </p> + <p> + “Yes,” replied the Count readily; “my aunt's stockings were of that hue.” + </p> + <p> + From the startled glances of the two ladies it became plain that the late + Count Bunker had died a bachelor. + </p> + <p> + “My other aunt,” he exclaimed unabashed; yet nevertheless it was with + decided pleasure that he heard dinner announced immediately afterwards. + </p> + <p> + “They seem to know something about my uncle,” he said to himself. “I must + glean a few particulars too.” + </p> + <p> + A horrible fear lest his namesake might have dined solely upon herbs, and + himself be expected to follow his example, was pleasantly dissipated by a + glance at the menu; but he confessed to a sinking of his heart when he + observed merely a tumbler beside his own plate and a large brown jug + before him. + </p> + <p> + “Good heavens!” he thought, “do they imagine an Austrian count is + necessarily a beer drinker?” + </p> + <p> + With a sigh he could not quite smother, he began to pour the contents into + his glass, and then set it down abruptly, emitting a startled exclamation. + </p> + <p> + “What is the matter?” cried Julia sympathetically. + </p> + <p> + Her eyes (he was embarrassed to note) followed his every movement like a + dog's, and her apprehension clearly was extreme. + </p> + <p> + “This seems to be water,” smiled the Count, with an effort to carry off + their error as pleasantly for them as possible. + </p> + <p> + “Isn't it good water?” asked Julia with an air of concern. + </p> + <p> + It was the Count's turn to open his eyes. + </p> + <p> + “You have concluded then that I am a teetotaler?” + </p> + <p> + “Of course, we know you are!” + </p> + <p> + “If we may judge by your prefaces,” smiled Miss Minchell. + </p> + <p> + The Count began to realize the hazards that beset him; but his spirit + stoutly rose to meet the shock of the occasion. + </p> + <p> + “There is no use in attempting to conceal my idiosyncrasies, I see,” he + answered. “But to-night, will you forgive me if I break through the + cardinal rule of my life and ask you for a little stimulant? My doctor——” + </p> + <p> + “I see!” cried Miss Wallingford compassionately. “Of course, one can't + dispute a doctor's orders. What would you like?” + </p> + <p> + “Oh, anything you have. He did recommend champagne—if it was good; + but anything will do.” + </p> + <p> + “A bottle of the VERY best champagne, Mackenzie!” + </p> + <p> + The dinner now became an entirely satisfactory meal. Inspired by his + champagne and by the success of his audacity in so easily surmounting all + difficulties, the Count delighted his hostesses by the vivacity and + originality of his conversation. On the one hand, he chose topics not too + flippant in themselves and treated them with a becomingly serious air; on + the other, he carefully steered the talk away from the neighborhood of his + uncle. + </p> + <p> + “By the time I fetch out my banjo they'll have forgotten all about him,” + he said to himself complacently. + </p> + <p> + Knowing well the importance of the individual factor in all the + contingencies of life, he set himself, in the meanwhile, to study with + some attention the two ladies beside him. Miss Minchell he had already + summarized as an agreeable nonentity, and this impression was only + confirmed on better acquaintance. It was quite evident, he perceived, that + she was dragged practically unresisting in Miss Wallingford's wake—even + to the length of abetting the visit of an unknown bachelor in the absence + of Miss Wallingford's parent. + </p> + <p> + As for Julia, he decided that she was even better-looking and more + agreeable than he had at first imagined; though, having the gayest of + hearts himself, he was a trifle disconcerted to observe the uniform + seriousness of her ideas. How one could reconcile her ecstatic enthusiasm + for the ideal with her evident devotion to himself he was at a loss to + conceive. + </p> + <p> + “However, we will investigate that later,” he thought. + </p> + <p> + But first came a more urgent question: Had his uncle and his “prefaces” + committed him to forswear tobacco? He resolved to take the bull by the + horns. + </p> + <p> + “I hope you will not be scandalized to learn that I have acquired the + pernicious habit of smoking?” he said as they rose from the table. + </p> + <p> + “I told you he was smoking a cigar at Hechnahoul!” cried Miss Minchell + with an air of triumph. + </p> + <p> + “I thought you were mistaken,” said Julia, and the Count could see that he + had slipped a little from his pedestal. + </p> + <p> + This must not be permitted; yet he must smoke. + </p> + <p> + “Of course I don't smoke REAL tobacco!” he exclaimed. + </p> + <p> + “Oh, in that case,” cried Julia, “certainly then you may smoke in the + drawing-room. What is it you use?” + </p> + <p> + “A kind of herb that subdues the appetites, Miss Wallingford.” + </p> + <p> + He could see at a glance that he was more firmly on his pedestal than + ever. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2HCH0030" id="link2HCH0030"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + CHAPTER XXX + </h2> + <h3> + “I have been longing for this moment!” said Julia softly. + </h3> + <p> + The Count and she were seated over the drawing-room fire, Bunker in an + easy-chair, smoking one of the excellent cigars which he had so grievously + slandered, Julia upon a stool by his knees, her face suffused with the + most intense expression of rapture. Miss Minchell was in the background, + shrouded in shadow, purporting to be enjoying a nap; yet the Count could + not but think that in so large a house a separate apartment might well + have been provided for her. Her presence, he felt, circumscribed his + actions uncomfortably. + </p> + <p> + “So have I!” he murmured, deeming this the most appropriate answer. + </p> + <p> + “Now we can talk about HIM!” + </p> + <p> + He started, but preserved his composure. + </p> + <p> + “Couldn't we keep HIM till morning?” he suggested. + </p> + <p> + “But that is why you are here!” + </p> + <p> + She spoke as if this were self-evident; while the Count read himself a + thousand lessons upon the errors vanity is apt to lead one into. Yet his + politeness remained unruffled. + </p> + <p> + “Of course,” he answered. “Of course! But you see my knowledge of him——” + </p> + <p> + He was about to say that it was very slight, when, fortunately for him, + she interrupted with an eager— + </p> + <p> + “I know! I know! You were more than a son to him!” + </p> + <p> + “The deuce and all!” thought the Count. “That was a narrow squeak!” + </p> + <p> + “Do you know,” she continued in the same tone, “I have actually had the + audacity to translate one of his books—your preface and all.” + </p> + <p> + “I understand the allusion now,” thought Bunker. + </p> + <p> + Aloud he had the presence of mind to inquire— + </p> + <p> + “Which was it?” + </p> + <p> + “'Existence Seriously Reviewed.'” + </p> + <p> + “You couldn't have made a better choice,” he assured her. + </p> + <p> + “And now, what can you tell me about him?” she cried. + </p> + <p> + “Suppose we talk about the book instead,” suggested Bunker, choosing what + seemed the lesser of two evils. + </p> + <p> + “Oh, do!” + </p> + <p> + She rose impetuously, brought with a reverent air a beautifully written + and neatly tied-up manuscript, and sat again by his knee. Looking over his + shoulder he could see that the chaperon was wide awake and prepared to + listen rapturously also. + </p> + <p> + “I have so often longed to have some one with me who could explain things—the + very deep things, you know. But to think of having you—the Editor + and nephew! It's too good to be true.” + </p> + <p> + “Only eight o'clock,” he said to himself, glancing at the clock. “I'm in + for a night of it.” + </p> + <p> + The vision of a game of bridge and a coon song on the banjo from that + moment faded quite away, and the Count even tucked his feet as far out of + sight as possible, since those entrancing socks served to remind him too + poignantly of what might have been. + </p> + <p> + “What exactly did he mean by this?” began Julia, “'Let Potentates fear! + Let Dives tremble! The horny hand of the poor Man in the Street is + stretched forth to grasp his birthright!'” + </p> + <p> + “For 'birthright' read 'pocket-book.' There's a mistake in the + translation,” he answered promptly. “It appears to be an indirect argument + for an increase in the Metropolitan police.” + </p> + <p> + “Are you sure? I thought—surely it alludes to Socialism!” + </p> + <p> + “Of course; and the best advertisement for Socialism is a collision with + the bobbies. My uncle was a remarkably subtle man, I assure you.” + </p> + <p> + “How very ingenious!” exclaimed Miss Minchell from the background. + </p> + <p> + Julia did her best to feel convinced; but it was in a distinctly less + ecstatic voice that she read her next extract. + </p> + <p> + “'Alcohol, riches, and starched linen are the moths and worms of society.' + I suppose he means that they eat away its foundations?” + </p> + <p> + “On the contrary, he was an enthusiastic entomologist. He merely meant to + imply that it isn't every one who can appreciate a glass of port and a + clean shirt.” + </p> + <p> + “But he didn't appreciate those things himself!” + </p> + <p> + “No; poor fellow. He often wished he could, though.” + </p> + <p> + “Did he really?” + </p> + <p> + “Oh, you've no idea how tired he grew of flannel and ginger-beer! Many a + time he's said to me, 'My boy, learn to take what's set before you, even + at an alderman's table.' Ah, his was a generous creed, Miss Wallingford!” + </p> + <p> + “Yes, I suppose it was,” said Julia submissively. + </p> + <p> + His advantage in being able to claim an intimate personal knowledge of the + late philosopher's tastes encouraged the Count greatly. Realizing that a + nephew could not well be contradicted, he was emboldened to ask whether + there were any more points on which his authority could be of assistance. + </p> + <p> + “Oh yes,” said she, “only—only somehow you seem to throw a different + light on everything.” + </p> + <p> + “Naturally, dear,” chimed in Miss Minchell, “a personal explanation always + makes things seem different.” + </p> + <p> + Julia sighed, but summed up her courage to read out— + </p> + <p> + “'When woman is prized according to her intellect and man according to his + virtue; oh, then mankind will return to Eden!'” + </p> + <p> + “That,” said he, “is one of the rare instances of my uncle's pessimism.” + </p> + <p> + “Of his pessimism! How can you say that?” + </p> + <p> + “He meant to imply that mankind would have to wait for some considerable + time. But do not feel dismayed. My own opinion is that so long as woman is + fair and man has the wit to appreciate her, we ARE in Eden.” + </p> + <p> + The gracious tone in which he delivered this dictum, and the moving smile + that accompanied it, appeared to atone completely for his relative's + cynical philosophy. With a smile and a sigh Julia murmured— + </p> + <p> + “Do you really think so?” + </p> + <p> + “I do,” said the Count fervently; “and now suppose we were to have a + little music?” + </p> + <p> + “Oh yes!” cried Miss Minchell; “do you perform, Count Bunker?” + </p> + <p> + “I sometimes sing a little to the guitar.” + </p> + <p> + “To the guitar!” said Julia. “How delicious! Have you brought it?” + </p> + <p> + “I have been so bold,” he smiled, and promptly went to fetch this + instrument. + </p> + <p> + In a few minutes he returned with an apologetic air. + </p> + <p> + “I find that by some error they have sent me away with a banjo instead,” + he exclaimed. “But I dare say I could manage an accompaniment on that if + you would condescend to listen to me.” + </p> + <p> + He felt so exceedingly disinclined for expounding a philosophy any longer + that he gave them no time to dissent, even had they wished to, but on the + instant struck up that pathetic ditty— + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + “Down by whar de beans grow blue.” + </pre> + <p> + And no sooner had he finished it than (barely waiting for his meed of + applause) he further regaled them with— + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + “Twould make a fellow + Turn green and yellow! +</pre> + <p> + Finally, as a tit-bit, he contributed— + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + “When hubby s gone to Brighton, + And I ve sent the cook to bed, + Oh who's that a-knocking on the window!” + </pre> + <p> + At the conclusion of this concert he knew not whether to feel more + relieved or chagrined to observe that his fair hostess had her eyes fixed + upon the clock. Thanking him with a slightly embarrassed air, she threw a + pointed glance at Miss Minchell, and the two ladies rose. + </p> + <p> + “I am afraid you will think we keep very early hours,” she began. + </p> + <p> + “It is one of the best rules in my uncle's philosophy,” he interposed. + </p> + <p> + Yet though glad enough to have come so triumphantly to the end of his + ordeal, he could not bring himself to let his charming disciple leave him + in a wounded or even disappointed mood. As soon as Miss Minchell had + passed through the door he quietly laid his hand upon Julia's arm, and + with a gesture beckoned her back into the room. + </p> + <p> + “Pardon my seeming levity, Miss Wallingford,” he said in a grave and + gentle voice, “but you know not what emotions I had to contend with! I + thank you for your charming sympathy, and I beg you to accept in my + uncle's name that salute by which his followers distinguish the faithful.” + </p> + <p> + And he thereupon kissed the blushing girl with a heartiness that restored + her confidence in him completely. + </p> + <p> + “Well,” he said to himself as he retired with his candle, “I've managed to + get a fair penn'orth out of it after all.” + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2HCH0031" id="link2HCH0031"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + CHAPTER XXXI + </h2> + <p> + In spite of the Spartan transformation which Sir Justin's bedroom had + undergone, our adventurer enjoyed an excellent night's rest. So fast + asleep was he at the hour of eight next morning that it took him a few + seconds to awake to the full possession of his faculties, even when + disturbed by a loud exclamation at his bedside. He then became aware of + the presence of an entire stranger in his room—a tall and elderly + man, with a long nose and a grizzled beard. This intruder had apparently + just drawn up the blind, and was now looking about him with an expression + of the greatest concern. + </p> + <p> + “Mackenzie!” he cried, in the voice of one accustomed to be heard with + submission, “What have you been doing to my room?” + </p> + <p> + The butler, too confused for coherent speech, was in the act of bringing + in a small portmanteau. + </p> + <p> + “I—I mentioned, Sir Justin, your room was hardly ready for ye, sir. + Perhaps, sir, if ye'd come into the pink room——” + </p> + <p> + “What the deuce, there's hardly a stick of furniture left! And whose + clothes are these?” + </p> + <p> + “Mine,” answered the Count suavely. + </p> + <p> + The stranger started violently, and turned upon the bed an eye at first + alarmed, then rapidly becoming lit with indignation. + </p> + <p> + “Who—who is this?” he shouted. + </p> + <p> + “That, sir—that——” stammered Mackenzie. + </p> + <p> + “Is Count Bunker,” said the Count, who remained entirely courteous in + spite of the inconvenience of this intrusion. “Have I the pleasure of + addressing Sir Justin Wallingford?” + </p> + <p> + “You have, sir.” + </p> + <p> + “In that case, Mackenzie will be able to give you a satisfactory account + of my presence; and in half an hour or so I shall have the pleasure of + joining you downstairs.” + </p> + <p> + The Count, with a polite smile, turned over in bed, as though to indicate + that the interview was now at an end. But his visitor apparently had other + views. + </p> + <p> + “I should be obliged by some explanation from yourself of your entry into + my house,” said he, steadily keeping his eye upon the Count. + </p> + <p> + “Now how the deuce shall I get out of this hole without letting Julia into + another?” wondered Bunker; but before he could speak, Mackenzie had + blurted out— + </p> + <p> + “Miss Wallingford, sir—the gentleman is a friend of hers, sir.” + </p> + <p> + “What!” thundered Sir Justin. + </p> + <p> + “I assure you that Miss Wallingford was actuated by the highest motives in + honoring me with an invitation to The Lash,” said Bunker earnestly. + </p> + <p> + He had already dismissed an ingenious account of himself as a belated + wanderer, detained by stress of weather, as certain to be contradicted by + Julia herself, and decided instead on risking all upon his supposed + uncle's saintly reputation. + </p> + <p> + “How came she to invite you, sir?” demanded Sir Justin. + </p> + <p> + “As my uncle's nephew, merely.” + </p> + <p> + Sir Justin stared at him in silence, while he brought the full force of + his capacious mind to bear upon the situation. + </p> + <p> + “Your name, you say, is Bunker?” he observed at length. + </p> + <p> + “Count Bunker,” corrected that nobleman. + </p> + <p> + “Ah! Doubtless, then, you are the same gentleman who has been residing + with Lord Tulliwuddle?” + </p> + <p> + “I am unaware of a duplicate.” + </p> + <p> + “And the uncle you allude to——?” + </p> + <p> + By a wave of his hand the Count referred him to the portrait upon the + wall. Sir Justin now stared at it. + </p> + <p> + “Bunker—Count Bunker,” he repeated in a musing tone, and then turned + to the present holder of that dignity with a look in his eye which the + adventurer disliked exceedingly. + </p> + <p> + “I will confer with you later,” he observed. “Mackenzie, remove my + portmanteau.” + </p> + <p> + In a voice inaudible to the Count he gave another order, which was + followed by Mackenzie also removing the Count's clothes from their chair. + </p> + <p> + “I say, Mackenzie!” expostulated Bunker, now beginning to feel seriously + uneasy; but heedless of his protest the butler hastened with them from the + room. + </p> + <p> + Then, with a grim smile and a surprising alacrity of movement, Sir Justin + changed the key into the outside of the lock, passed through the door, and + shut and locked it behind him. + </p> + <p> + “The devil!” ejaculated Count Bunker. + </p> + <p> + Here was a pretty predicament! And the most ominous feature about it + appeared to him to be the deliberation with which his captor had acted. It + seemed that he had got himself into a worse scrape than he could estimate. + </p> + <p> + He wasted no time in examining his prison with an eye to the possibility + of an escape, but it became very quickly evident that he was securely + trapped. From the windows he could not see even a water-pipe within hail, + and the door was unburstably ponderous. Besides, a gentleman attired + either in pajamas or evening dress will naturally shrink from flight + across country at nine o'clock in the morning. It seemed to the Count that + he was as well in bed as anywhere else, and upon this opinion he acted. + </p> + <p> + In about an hour's time the door was cautiously unlocked, and a tray, + containing some breakfast, laid upon the floor; but at the same time he + was permitted to see that a cordon of grooms and keepers guarded against + his flight. He showed a wonderful appetite, all circumstances considered, + smoked a couple of cigars, and at last decided upon getting up and donning + his evening clothes. Thereafter nothing occurred, beyond the arrival of a + luncheon tray, till the afternoon was well advanced; by which time even + his good spirits had become a trifle damped, and his apprehensions + considerably increased. + </p> + <p> + At last his prison door was again thrown open, this time by Sir Justin + himself. + </p> + <p> + “Come in, my dear,” he said in a grave voice; and with a downcast eye and + scarlet cheek the fair Julia met her guest again. + </p> + <p> + Her father closed the door, and they seated themselves before their + prisoner, who, after a profound obeisance to the lady, faced them from the + edge of his bed with an air of more composure than he felt. + </p> + <p> + “I await your explanation, Sir Justin,” he began, striking at once the + note which seemed to him (so far as he could guess) most likely to be + characteristic of an innocent and much-injured man. + </p> + <p> + “You shall have it,” said Sir Justin grimly. “Julia, you asked this person + to my house under the impression that he was the nephew of that + particularly obnoxious fanatic, Count Herbrand Bunker, and still engaged + upon furthering his relative's philanthropic and other visionary schemes.” + </p> + <p> + “But isn't he——” began Julia with startled eyes. + </p> + <p> + “I am Count Bunker,” said our hero firmly. + </p> + <p> + “The nephew in question?” inquired Sir Justin. + </p> + <p> + “Certainly, sir.” + </p> + <p> + Again Sir Justin turned to his daughter. + </p> + <p> + “I have already told you what I think of your conduct under any + circumstances. What your feelings will be I can only surmise when I inform + you that I have detained this adventurer here until I had time to despatch + a wire and receive an answer from Scotland Yard.” + </p> + <p> + Both Count and Julia started. + </p> + <p> + “What, sir!” exclaimed Bunker. + </p> + <p> + Quite unmoved by his protest, his captor continued, this time addressing + him— + </p> + <p> + “My memory, fortunately, is unusually excellent, and when you told me this + morning who you were related to, I recalled at once something I had heard + of your past career. It is now confirmed by the reply I received to my + telegram.” + </p> + <p> + “And what, Sir Justin, does Scotland Yard have to say about me?” + </p> + <p> + “Julia,” said her parent, “this unhappy young man did indeed profess for + some time a regard for his uncle's teachings, and even, I believe, + advocated them in writing. In this way he obtained the disposal of + considerable funds contributed by unsuspicious persons for ostensibly + philanthropic purposes. About two years ago these funds and Count Bunker + simultaneously disappeared, and your estimable guest was last heard of + under an assumed name in the republic of Uruguay.” + </p> + <p> + Uncomfortable as his predicament was, this picture of himself as the + fraudulent philanthropist was too much for Bunker's sense of humor, and to + the extreme astonishment of his visitors he went off into a fit of + laughter so hearty and prolonged that it was some time before he recovered + his gravity. + </p> + <p> + “My dear friends,” he exclaimed at last, “I am not that Bunker at all! In + fact I was only created a few weeks ago. Bring me back my clothes, and in + return I'll tell you a deuced sight funnier story even than that.” + </p> + <p> + Sir Justin rose and led his daughter to the door. + </p> + <p> + “You will have an opportunity to-morrow,” he replied stiffly. “In the + meantime I shall leave you to the enjoyment of the joke.” + </p> + <p> + “But, my dear sir——” + </p> + <p> + Sir Justin turned his back, and the door closed upon him again. + </p> + <p> + Count Bunker's position was now less supportable than ever. + </p> + <p> + “Escape I must,” he thought. + </p> + <p> + And hardly had he breathed the word when a gleam of his old luck seemed to + return. He was standing by the window, and presently he observed a groom + ride up on a bicycle, dismount, and push it through an outhouse door. Then + the man strolled off, and he said to himself, with an uprising of his + spirits— + </p> + <p> + “There's my steed—if I could once get to it!” + </p> + <p> + Then again he thought the situation over, and gradually the prospect of a + midnight ride on a bicycle over a road he had only once traversed, clad in + his emblazoned socks and blue-lapelled coat, appeared rather less + entertaining than another night's confinement. So he lit his last cigar, + threw himself on the bed, and resigned himself to the consolations of an + innocent heart and a practical philosophy. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2HCH0032" id="link2HCH0032"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + CHAPTER XXXII + </h2> + <p> + The clearness of the Count's conscience may be gauged when it is narrated + that no sooner had he dismissed the stump of his cigar toward the grate + than he dropped into a peaceful doze and remained placidly unconscious of + his perils for the space of an hour or more. He was then awakened by the + sound of a key being gently turned, and his opening eyes rested upon a + charming vision of Julia Wallingford framed in the outline of the door. + </p> + <p> + “Hush!” she whispered; “I—I have brought a note for you!” + </p> + <p> + Smoothing his hair as he met her, the Count thanked her with an air of + considerable feeling, and took from her hand a twisted slip of paper. + </p> + <p> + “It was brought by a messenger—a man in a kilt, who came in a motor + car. I didn't know whether father would let you have it, so I brought it + up myself.” + </p> + <p> + “Is the messenger waiting?” + </p> + <p> + “No; he went straight off again.” + </p> + <p> + Unrolling the scrap he read this brief message scrawled in pencil and + evidently in dire haste— + </p> + <p> + “All is lost! I am prisoner! Go straightway to London for help from my + Embassy. + </p> + <p> + “R. VON B.” + </p> + <p> + “Good heavens!” he exclaimed aloud. + </p> + <p> + “Is it bad news?” asked Julia, with a solicitude that instantly suggested + possibilities to his fertile brain. + </p> + <p> + “Horribly!” he said. “It tells of a calamity that has befallen a very dear + friend of mine! Oh, Rudolph, Rudolph! And I a helpless prisoner!” + </p> + <p> + As he anticipated, this outburst of emotion was not without its effect. + </p> + <p> + “I am so sorry!” she said. “I—I don't believe, Count Bunker, you are + as guilty as father says!” + </p> + <p> + “I swear to you I am not!” + </p> + <p> + “Can I—help you?” + </p> + <p> + He thought swiftly. + </p> + <p> + “Is there any one about the house just now?” + </p> + <p> + “Oh yes; the keeper is stationed in the hall!” + </p> + <p> + “Miss Wallingford, if you would atone for a deep injury which you have + inadvertently done an innocent man, bring me fifty feet of stout rope! + And, I say, see that the door of the bicycle house is left unlocked. Will + you do this?” + </p> + <p> + “I—I'll try.” + </p> + <p> + A sound on the stairs alarmed her, and with a fleeting smile of sympathy + she was gone and the door locked upon him again. + </p> + <p> + Again the time passed slowly by, and he was left to ponder over the + critical nature of the situation as revealed by the luckless Baron's + intelligence. Clearly he must escape to-night, at all hazards. + </p> + <p> + “What's that? My rope?” he wondered. + </p> + <p> + But it was only the arrival of his dinner, brought as before upon a tray + and set just within the door, as though they feared for the bearer's life + should he venture within reach of this desperate adventurer from Uruguay. + </p> + <p> + “A very large dish for a very small appetite,” he thought, as he bore his + meal over to the bed and drew his chair up before it. + </p> + <p> + It looked indeed as though a roasted goose must be beneath the cover. He + raised it, and there, behold! lay a large coil of excellent new rope. The + Count chuckled. + </p> + <p> + “Commend me to the heart and the wit of women! What man would ever have + provided so dainty a dish as this? Unless, indeed” (he had the breadth of + mind to add) “it happened to be a charming adventuress who was in + trouble.” + </p> + <p> + Drinking the half pint of moderate claret which they had allowed him to + the happiness and prosperity of all true-hearted women, he could not help + regretting that his imprisoned confederate should be so unlikely to enjoy + similar good fortune. + </p> + <p> + “He went too far with those two dear girls. A woman deceived as he has + deceived them will never forgive him. They'd stand sentry at his cell-door + sooner than let the poor Baron escape,” he reflected commiserately, and + sighed to think of the disastrous effect this mishap might have both upon + his friend's diplomatic career and domestic felicity. + </p> + <p> + While waiting for the dusk to deepen, and endeavoring to console himself + for the lack of cigars with the poor remedy of cigarettes, he employed his + time profitably in tying a series of double knots upon the line of rope. + Then at last, when he could see the stars bright above the trees and hear + no sound in the house, he pulled his bed softly to the open window, and to + it fastened one end of his rope securely. The other he quietly let drop, + and losing not an instant followed it hand under hand, murmuring anathemas + on the rough wall that so scraped his evening trousers. + </p> + <p> + On tiptoe he stole to the door through which the bicycle had gone. It + yielded to a push, and once inside he ventured to strike a match. + </p> + <p> + “By Gad! I've a choice of half a dozen,” he exclaimed. + </p> + <p> + It need scarcely be said that he selected the best; and after slitting + with his pocket-knife the tires of all the others, he mounted and pedalled + quietly down the drive. The lodge gates stood open; the road, a trifle + muddy but clear of all traffic, stretched visible for a long way in the + starlight; the breeze blew fair behind him. + </p> + <p> + “May Providence guide me to the station,” he prayed, and rode off into the + night. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2HCH0033" id="link2HCH0033"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + CHAPTER XXXIII + </h2> + <p> + Suppose the clock be set back four-and-twenty hours, and behold now the + Baron von Blitzenberg, the diplomatist and premier baron of Bavaria, + engaged in unhappy argument with himself. Unhappy, because his reason, + though so carefully trained from the kindergarten upward, proved unable to + combat the dismal onsets of superstition. + </p> + <p> + “Pooh! who cares for an old picture?” Reason would reiterate. + </p> + <p> + “It is an omen,” said Superstition simply; and Reason stood convicted as + an empty braggart. + </p> + <p> + But if Time be the great healer, Dinner is at least a clever quack, and + when he and old Mr. Rentoul had consumed well-nigh a bottle and a half of + their host's port between them, the outlook became much less gloomy. A + particularly hilarious evening in the drawing-room completed the triumph + of mind over what he was now able to term “jost nonsense,” and he slept + that night as soundly as the Count was simultaneously slumbering in Sir + Justin's bed-room. And there was no unpleasant awakening in the Baron's + case. On the contrary, all nature seemed in a conspiracy to make the last + day of his adventure pleasant. The sun shone brightly, his razors had an + excellent edge, sausages were served for breakfast, and when he joined the + family afterwards he found them as affectionately kind as a circle of + relations. In fact, the Baron had dropped more than one hint the night + before of such a nature that they had some reason for supposing + relationship imminent. It is true Eva was a little disappointed that the + actual words were not yet said, and when he made an airy reference to + paying a farewell call that morning upon their neighbors at Lincoln Lodge, + she exhibited so much disapproval in her air that he said at once— + </p> + <p> + “Ach, vell, I shall jost go after lonch and be back in an hour and a half. + I jost vish to say good-bye, zat is all.” + </p> + <p> + Little guessing how much was to hang upon this postponement, he drove over + after luncheon with a mind entirely reassured. With only an afternoon to + be safely passed, no mishap, he was sure, could possibly happen now. If + indeed the Maddisons chose to be offended with him, why, then, his call + would merely be the briefer and he would recommend Eva for the post of + Lady Tulliwuddle without qualification. It was his critics who had reason + to fear, not he. + </p> + <p> + Miss Maddison was at home, the staff of footmen assured him, and, holding + his head as high as a chieftain should, he strode into her sanctuary. + </p> + <p> + “Do I disturb you?” + </p> + <p> + He asked this with a quicker beating heart. Not Eleanor alone, but her + father and Ri confronted him, and it was very plain to see that a tempest + was in the brewing. Her eyes were bright with tears and indignation; their + brows heavy with formidable frowns. At the first moment of his entering, + extreme astonishment at seeing him was clearly their dominant emotion, and + as evidently it rapidly developed into a sentiment even less hospitable. + </p> + <p> + “Why, this beats the devil!” ejaculated Mr. Maddison; and for a moment + this was the sole response to his inquiry. + </p> + <p> + The next to speak was Ri— + </p> + <p> + “Show it him, Poppa! Confront him with the evidence!” + </p> + <p> + With ominous deliberation the millionaire picked up a newspaper from the + floor, where apparently it had been crumpled and flung, smoothed out the + creases, and approached the Baron till their noses were in danger of + collision. While executing this manoeuvre the silence was only broken by + the suppressed sobbing of his daughter. Then at last he spoke. + </p> + <p> + “Our mails, sir, have just arrived. This, sir, is 'The Times' newspaper, + published in the city of London yesterday morning.” + </p> + <p> + He shook it in the Baron's face with a sudden vehemence that caused that + nobleman to execute an abrupt movement backward. + </p> + <p> + “Take it,” continued the millionaire—“take it, sir, and explain this + if you can!” + </p> + <p> + So confused had the Baron's mind become already that it was with + difficulty he could decipher the following petrifying announcement— + </p> + <p> + “Tulliwuddle—Herringay.—In London, privately, Lord Tulliwuddle + to Constance, daughter of Robert Herringay.” + </p> + <p> + The Baron's brain reeled. + </p> + <p> + “Here is another paragraph that may interest you,” pursued Mr. Maddison, + turning the paper outside in with an alarmingly vigorous movement, and + presenting a short paragraph for the Baron's inspection. This ran— + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + “PEER AND ACTRESS. +</pre> + <p> + “As announced in our marriage column, the wedding took place yesterday, + privately, of Lord Tulliwuddle, kinsman and heir of the late peer of that + name, so well known in London and Scottish society, and Miss Constance + Herringay, better known as 'Connie Fitz Aubyn,' of the Gaiety Theatre. It + is understood that the young couple have departed for the Mediterranean.” + </p> + <p> + In a few seconds given him to prepare his mind, the Baron desperately + endeavored to imagine what the resourceful Bunker would say or do under + these awful circumstances. + </p> + <p> + “Well, sir?” said Mr. Maddison. + </p> + <p> + “It is a lie!” + </p> + <p> + “A lie?” + </p> + <p> + Ri laughed scornfully. + </p> + <p> + “Mean to say no such marriage took place?” + </p> + <p> + “It vas not me.” + </p> + <p> + “Who was it, then?” + </p> + <p> + “Anozzer man, perhaps.” + </p> + <p> + “Another Lord Tulliwuddle?” inquired the millionaire. + </p> + <p> + “Zey have made a mistake mit ze name. Yes, zat is how.” + </p> + <p> + “Can it be possible?” cried Eleanor eagerly, her grief for the moment + forgotten. + </p> + <p> + “No,” said her father; “it is not possible. The announcement is confirmed + by the paragraph. A mistake is inconceivable.” + </p> + <p> + The Baron thought he perceived a brilliant idea. + </p> + <p> + “Ach, it is ze ozzer Tollvoddle!” he exclaimed. “So! zat is it, of + course.” + </p> + <p> + “You mean to say there is another peerage of Tulliwuddle?” + </p> + <p> + “Oh, yes.” + </p> + <p> + “Fetch Debrett, Ri!” + </p> + <p> + But Ri had already not only fetched Debrett, but found the place. + </p> + <p> + “A darned lie. Thought so,” he observed succinctly. + </p> + <p> + The luckless diplomatist was now committed to perdition. + </p> + <p> + “It is not in ze books,” he exclaimed. “It is bot a baronetcy.” + </p> + <p> + “A baronetcy!” + </p> + <p> + “And illegitimate also.” + </p> + <p> + “Sir,” burst forth Ri, “you are a thundering liar! Is this your marriage + notice?” + </p> + <p> + The Baron changed his tactics. + </p> + <p> + “Yes!” he declared. + </p> + <p> + Eleanor screamed. + </p> + <p> + “Don't fuss, Eleanor,” said her father kindly. “That ain't true, anyhow. + Why, the day before yesterday he was throwing that darned hammer.” + </p> + <p> + “Which came down last night in our yard with the head burst!” added Ri + contemptuously. “Found you out there too!” + </p> + <p> + “Is that so!” exclaimed his father. + </p> + <p> + “That is so, sir!” + </p> + <p> + The three looked at him, and it was hard to say whether indignation or + contempt was more prominent in their faces. This was more than he could + endure. + </p> + <p> + “I vill not be so looked at!” he cried; “I vill leave you!” + </p> + <p> + “No you won't!” said Ri. + </p> + <p> + And the Baron saw his retreat cut of by the athletic and determined young + man. + </p> + <p> + “Before you leave, we have one or two questions to ask you,” said Mr. + Maddison. “Are you Lord Tulliwuddle, or are you not?” + </p> + <p> + “Yes!—No!” replied the Baron. + </p> + <p> + “Which, sir?” + </p> + <p> + Expanding his chest, he made the awe-inspiring announcement— + </p> + <p> + “I am moch greater zan Tollyvoddle! I am ze Baron Rudolph von + Blitzenberg!” + </p> + <p> + “Another darned lie!” commented Ri. + </p> + <p> + Mr. Maddison laughed sardonically; while Eleanor, with flashing eyes, now + joined in the attack upon the hapless nobleman. + </p> + <p> + “You wretched creature! Isn't it enough to have shammed to be one peer + without shamming to be another?” + </p> + <p> + “Bot I am! Ja, I swear to you! Can you not see zat I am noble?” + </p> + <p> + “Curiously enough we can't,” replied Mr. Maddison. + </p> + <p> + But his daughter's scepticism was a little shaken by the fervor of his + assurances. + </p> + <p> + “But, Poppa, perhaps he may be a German peer.” + </p> + <p> + “German waiter, more likely!” sneered Ri. “What shall we do with him? Tar + and feathers, I guess, would just about suit his complaint.” + </p> + <p> + “No, Ri, no,” said his father cautiously. “Remember we are no longer + beneath the banner of freedom. In this benighted country it might lead + into trouble. Guess we can find him accommodation, though, in that bit of + genuine antique above the harness-room. It's fitted with a very + substantial lock. We'll make Dugald M'Culloch responsible for this BARON + till the police take him over.” + </p> + <p> + Vain were the Baron's protests; and upon the appearance of Dugald + M'Culloch, fisherman and factotum to the millionaire, accompanied by three + burly satellites, vain, he perceived, would be the most desperate + resistance. He plead the privileges of a foreign diplomatist, threatened a + descent of the German army upon Lincoln Lodge, guaranteed an intimate + acquaintance with the American ambassador—“Who vill make you sorry + for zis!” but all without moving Mr. Maddison's resolution. Even Eleanor + whispered a word for him and was repulsed, for he overheard her father + replying to her— + </p> + <p> + “No, no, Eleanor; no more a diplomatist than you would have been Lady + Tulliwuddle. Guess I know what I'm doing.” + </p> + <p> + Whereupon the late Lord Tulliwuddle, kilt and all, was conveyed by a guard + of six tall men and deposited in the bit of genuine antique above the + harness-room. This proved to be a small chamber in a thick-walled wing of + the original house, now part of the back premises; and there, with his + face buried in his hands, the poor prisoner moaned aloud— + </p> + <p> + “Oh, my life, she is geblasted! I am undone! Oh, I am lost!” + </p> + <p> + “Will it be so bad as that, indeed?” + </p> + <p> + He looked up with a start, and perceived Dugald, his jailor, gazing upon + him with an expression of indescribable sagacity. + </p> + <p> + “The master will be sending me with his car to tell the folks at + Hechnahoul,” added Dugald. + </p> + <p> + Still the Baron failed to comprehend the exchange of favors suggested by + his jailor's sympathetic voice. + </p> + <p> + “Go, zen!” he muttered, and bent his head. + </p> + <p> + “You will not be wishing to send no messages to your friends?” + </p> + <p> + At last the prisoner understood. For a sovereign Dugald promised to convey + a note to the Count; for five he undertook to bribe the chauffeur to + convey him to The Lash, when he learned where that gentleman was to be + found. And he further decided to be faithful to his trust, since, as he + prudently reflected— + </p> + <p> + “If he will be a real chentleman after all it shall not be well to be hard + with him. And if he will not be, nobody shall know.” + </p> + <p> + The Baron felt a trifle less hopeless now, yet so black did the prospect + remain that he firmly believed he should never be able to raise his head + again and meet the gaze of his fellow-men; not at least if he stayed in + that room till the police arrived. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2HCH0034" id="link2HCH0034"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + CHAPTER XXXIV + </h2> + <p> + Not even the news of Flodden brought direr dismay to Hechnahoul than Mr. + Maddison's brief note. Lord Tulliwuddle an impostor? That magnificent + young man a fraud? So much geniality, brawn, and taste for the bagpipes + merely the sheep's clothing that hid a wandering wolf? Incredible! Yet, on + second thoughts, how very much more thrilling than if he had really been + an ordinary peer! And what a judgment on the presumption of Mr. and Mrs. + Gallosh! Hard luck on Eva, of course—but, then, girls who aspire to + marry out of their own station must expect this kind of thing. + </p> + <p> + The latter part of this commentary was naturally not that of the + pretender's host and hostess. In the throes of their anger and chagrin + their one consoling reflection was that no friends less tried than Mr. and + Mrs. Rentoul happened to be there to witness their confusion. Yet other + sufferers since Job have found that the oldest friends do not necessarily + of er the most acceptable consolation. + </p> + <p> + “Oh, oh! I feel like to die of grief!” wailed poor Mrs. Gallosh. + </p> + <p> + “Aye; it's an awful smack in the eye for you,” said Mr. Rentoul sagely. + </p> + <p> + “Smack in the eye!” thundered his host. “It's a criminal offence—that's + what it is! It's a damned swindle! It's a——” + </p> + <p> + “Oh, hush, hush!” interrupted Mrs. Rentoul in a shocked voice. “What words + for a lady to hear! After all, you must remember you never made any + inquiries.” + </p> + <p> + “Inquiries! What for should I be making inquiries about my guests? YOU + never dropped a word of such a thing! Who'd have listened if I had? It was + just Lord Tulliwuddle this and Lord Tulliwuddle that from morning to night + since ever he came to the Castle.” + </p> + <p> + “Duncan's so simple-minded,” groaned Mrs. Gallosh. + </p> + <p> + “And what were you, I'd like to know? What were you?” retorted her justly + incensed spouse. “Never a word did I hear, but just that he was such an + aristocratic young man, and any one could see he had blue blood in his + veins, and stuff of that kind!” + </p> + <p> + “I more than once had my own doubts about that,” said the alcohol expert + with a knowing wink. “There was something about him—— Ah, + well, he was not exactly my own idea of a lord.” + </p> + <p> + “YOUR idea?” scoffed his oldest and best of friends. “What do YOU know of + lords, I'd like to know?” + </p> + <p> + “Well, well,” answered the sage peaceably, “maybe we've neither of us had + much opportunity of judging of the nobility. It's just more bad luck than + anything else that you should have gone to the expense of setting up in + style in a lord's castle and then having this downcome. If I'd had similar + ambeetions it might have been me.” + </p> + <p> + This soft answer was so far from turning away wrath, that Mrs. Rentoul + again felt compelled to stem the tide of her host's eloquence. + </p> + <p> + “Oh, hush!” she exclaimed; “I'd have fancied you'd be having no thoughts + beyond your daughter's affliction.” + </p> + <p> + “My Eva! my poor Eva! Where is the suffering child?” cried Mrs. Gallosh. + “Duncan, what'll she be doing?” + </p> + <p> + “Making a to-do like the rest of the women-folk,” replied her husband, + with rather less sympathy than the occasion seemed to demand. + </p> + <p> + In point of fact Eva had disappeared from the company immediately after + hearing the contents of Mr. Maddison's letter, and whatever she had been + doing, it had not been weeping alone, for at that moment she ran into the + room, her face agitated, but rather, it seemed, with excitement than + grief. + </p> + <p> + “Papa, lend me five pounds,” she panted. + </p> + <p> + “Lend you—five pounds! And what for, I'd like to know?” + </p> + <p> + “Don't ask me now. I—I promise to tell you later—some time + later.” + </p> + <p> + “I'll see myself——! I mean, you're talking nonsense.” + </p> + <p> + Eva's lip trembled. + </p> + <p> + “Hi, hist! Eva, my dear,” said Mr. Rentoul; “if you're wanting the money + badly, and your papa doesn't see his way——” + </p> + <p> + He concluded his sentence with a wink and a dive into his trousers-pocket, + and a minute later Eva had fled from the room again. + </p> + <p> + This action of the sage, being at total variance to his ordinary habits + (which indeed erred on the economical side), was attributed by his irate + host—with a certain show of reason—to the mere intention of + annoying him; and the conversation took a more acrimonious turn than ever. + In fact, when Eva returned a few minutes later she was just in time to + hear her father thunder in an infuriated voice— + </p> + <p> + “A German waiter, is he? Aye, that's verra probable, verra probable + indeed. In fact I might have known it when I saw you and him swilling a + bottle and a half of my best port together! Birds of a feather—aye, + aye, exactly!” + </p> + <p> + The crushing retort which the sage evidently had ready to heap upon the + fire of this controversy was anticipated by Miss Gallosh. + </p> + <p> + “He isn't a German waiter, papa! He is a German BARON—and an + ambassador, too!” + </p> + <p> + The four started and stared at her. + </p> + <p> + “Where did you learn that?” demanded her father. + </p> + <p> + “I've been talking to the man who brought the letter, and he says that + Lord Tulli—I mean the Baron—declares positively that he is a + German nobleman!” + </p> + <p> + “Tuts, fiddlesticks!” scoffed her father. + </p> + <p> + “Verra like a whale,” pronounced the sage. + </p> + <p> + “I wouldn't believe what HE said,” declared Mrs. Gallosh. + </p> + <p> + “One can SEE he isn't,” said Mrs. Rentoul. + </p> + <p> + “The kind of Baron that plays in a German band, perhaps,” added her + husband, with a whole series of winks to give point to this mot. + </p> + <p> + “He's just a scoundrelly adventurer!” shouted Mr. Gallosh. + </p> + <p> + “I hope he'll get penal servitude, that's what I hope,” said his wife with + a sob. + </p> + <p> + “And, judging from his appearance, that'll be no new experience for him,” + commented the sage. + </p> + <p> + So remarkably had their judgment of the late Lord Tulliwuddle waxed in + discrimination. And, strange to say, his only defender was the lady he had + injured most. + </p> + <p> + “I still believe him a gentleman!” she cried, and swept tearfully from the + room. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2HCH0035" id="link2HCH0035"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + CHAPTER XXXV + </h2> + <p> + While his late worshippers were trampling his memory in the mire, the + Baron von Blitzenberg, deserted and dejected, his face still buried in his + hands, endured the slow passage of the doleful afternoon. Unlike the + prisoner at The Lash, who, by a coincidence that happily illustrates the + dispensations of Providence, was undergoing at the same moment an + identical ordeal, the Baron had no optimistic, whimsical philosophy to + fall back upon. Instead, he had a most tender sense of personal dignity + that had been egregiously outraged—and also a wife. Indeed, the + thought of Alicia and of Alicia's parent was alone enough to keep his head + bowed down. + </p> + <p> + “Ach, zey most not know,” he muttered. “I shall give moch money—hondreds + of pound—not to let zem find out. Oh, what for fool have I been!” + </p> + <p> + So deeply was he plunged in these sorrowful meditations, and so constantly + were they concerned with the two ladies whose feelings he wished to spare, + that when a hum of voices reached his ear, one of them strangely—even + ominously—familiar, he only thought at first that his imagination + had grown morbidly vivid. To dispel the unpleasant fancies suggested by + this imagined voice, he raised his head, and then the next instant bounded + from his chair. + </p> + <p> + “Mein Gott!” he muttered, “it is she.” + </p> + <p> + Too thunderstruck to move, he saw his prison door open, and there, behold! + stood the Countess of Grillyer, a terrible look upon her high-born + features, a Darius at either shoulder. In silence they surveyed one + another, and it was Mr. Maddison who spoke first. + </p> + <p> + “Guess this is a friend of yours,” he observed. + </p> + <p> + One thought and one only filled the prisoner's mind—she must leave + him, and immediately. + </p> + <p> + “No, no; I do not know her!” he cried. + </p> + <p> + “You do not know me?” repeated the Countess in a voice rich in promise. + </p> + <p> + “Certainly I do not.” + </p> + <p> + “She knows you all right,” said the millionaire. + </p> + <p> + “Says she does,” put in Ri in a lower voice; “but I wouldn't lay much + money on her word either.” + </p> + <p> + “Rudolph! You pretend you do not know me?” cried the Countess between + wrath and bewilderment. + </p> + <p> + “I never did ever see sochlike a voman before,” reiterated the Baron. + </p> + <p> + “What do you say to that, ma'am?” inquired Mr. Maddison. + </p> + <p> + “I say—I blush to say—that this wretched young man is my + son-in-law,” declared the Countess. + </p> + <p> + As she had come to the house inquiring merely for Lord Tulliwuddle, and + been conducted straight to the prisoner's cell, the stupefying effect of + this announcement may readily be conceived. + </p> + <p> + “What!” ejaculated the Dariuses. + </p> + <p> + “It is not true! She is mad! Take her avay, please!” shouted the Baron, + now desperate in his resolution to say or do anything, so long as he got + rid of his formidable relative. + </p> + <p> + The Countess staggered back. + </p> + <p> + “Is he demented?” she inquired. + </p> + <p> + “Say, ma'am,” put in Ri, “are you the mother of Miss Constance Herringay?” + </p> + <p> + “Of——? I am Lady Grillyer!” + </p> + <p> + “See here, my good lady, that's going a little too far,” said the + millionaire not unkindly. “This friend of yours here first calls himself + Lord Tulliwuddle, and then the Baron von something or other. Well, now, + that's two of the aristocracy in this under-sized apartment already. + There's hardly room for a third—see? Can't you be plain Mrs. Smith + for a change?” + </p> + <p> + The Countess tottered. + </p> + <p> + “Fellow!” she said in a faint voice, “I—I do not understand you.” + </p> + <p> + “Thought that would fetch her down,” commented Ri. + </p> + <p> + “Lead her back to ze train and make her go to London!” pleaded the Baron + earnestly. + </p> + <p> + “You stick to it, you don't know her?” asked Mr. Maddison shrewdly. + </p> + <p> + “No, no, I do not!” + </p> + <p> + “Is her name Lady Grillyer?” + </p> + <p> + “Not more zan it is mine!” + </p> + <p> + “Rudolph!” gasped the Countess inarticulately. “He is—he WAS my + son!” + </p> + <p> + “Stoff and nonsense!” roared the Baron. “Remove her!—I am tired.” + </p> + <p> + “Well,” said Mr. Maddison, “I guess I don't much believe either of you; + but whether you know each other or not, you make such a remarkably fine + couple that I reckon you'd better get acquainted now. Come, Ri.” + </p> + <p> + And before either Countess or Baron could interpose, their captors had + slipped out, the key was turned, and they were left to the dual enjoyment + of the antique apartment. + </p> + <p> + “Teufel!” shouted the Baron, kicking the door frantically. “Open him, open + him! I vill pay you a hondred pound! Goddam! Open!” + </p> + <p> + But only the gasps of the Countess answered him. + </p> + <p> + It is generally conceded that if you want to see the full depths of + brutality latent in man, you must thoroughly frighten him first. This + condition the Countess of Grillyer had exactly succeeded in fulfilling, + with the consequence that the Baron, hitherto the most complacent and + amiable of sons-in-law, seemed ambitious of rivalling the Turk. When he + perceived that no answer to his appeals was forthcoming, dark despair for + a moment overcame him. Then the fiendishly ingenious idea struck him—might + not a woman's screams accomplish what his own lungs were unable to effect? + Turning an inflamed and frowning countenance upon the lady who had + intrusted her daughter's happiness to his hands, he addressed her in a + deep hissing voice— + </p> + <p> + “Shcream, shcream, voman! Shcream loudly, or I vill knock you!” + </p> + <p> + But the Countess was made of stern stuff. Outraged and frightened though + she was, she yet retorted huskily— + </p> + <p> + “I will not scream, Rudolph! I—I demand an explanation first!” + </p> + <p> + Executing a step of the sword-dance within a yard of her, he reiterated + </p> + <p> + “Shcream so zat zey may come back!” + </p> + <p> + She blinked, but held her ground. + </p> + <p> + “I insist upon knowing what you mean, Rudolph! I insist upon your telling + me! What are you doing here in that preposterous kilt?” + </p> + <p> + The Baron's wits brightened with the acuteness of the emergency. + </p> + <p> + “Ha!” he cried, “I vill take my kilt off—take him off before your + eyes this instant if you do not shcream!” + </p> + <p> + But she merely closed her eyes. + </p> + <p> + “If you dare! If you dare, Rudolph, I shall inform your Emperor! And I + will not look! I cannot see you!” + </p> + <p> + Whether in deference to imperial prejudices, or because a kiltless man + would be thrown away upon a lady who refused to look at him, the Baron + regretfully desisted from this project. At his wits' end, he besought her— + </p> + <p> + “Make zem take you avay, so zat you vill be safe from my rage! I do not + trost myself mit you. I am so violent as a bull! Better zat you should go; + far better—do you not see?” + </p> + <p> + “No, Rudolph, no!” replied the adamant lady. “I have come to guard you + against your own abandoned nature, and I shall only leave this room when + you do!” + </p> + <p> + She sat down and faced him, palpitating, but immovable; and against such + obstinacy the unhappy Rudolph gave up the contest in despair. + </p> + <p> + “But I shall not talk mit her; oh, Himmel, nein!” he said to himself; and + in pursuance of this policy sat with his back turned to her while the + shadows of evening gradually filled the room. In vain did she address him: + he neither answered nor moved. Indeed, to discourage her still further, he + even summoned up a forced gaiety of demeanor, and in a low rumble of + discords sang to himself the least respectable songs he knew. + </p> + <p> + “His mind is certainly deranged,” thought the Countess. “I must not let + him out of my sight. Ah, poor Alicia!” + </p> + <p> + But in time, when the dusk was thickening so fast that her son-in-law's + broad back had already grown indistinct of outline, and no voice or + footstep had come near their prison, her thoughts began to wander from his + case to her own. The outrageous conduct of those Americans in discrediting + her word and incarcerating her person, though overshadowed at the time by + the yet greater atrocity of the Baron's behavior, now loomed up in + formidable proportions. And the gravity of their offence was emphasized by + an unpleasant sensation she now began to experience with considerable + acuteness. + </p> + <p> + “Do they mean to starve us as well as insult us?” she wondered. + </p> + <p> + The Baron's thoughts also seemed to have drifted into a different channel. + He no longer sang; he fidgeted in his chair; he even softly groaned; and + at last he actually changed his attitude so far as to survey the dim form + of his mother-in-law over one shoulder. + </p> + <p> + “Oh, ze devil!” he exclaimed aloud. “I am so hongry!” + </p> + <p> + “That is no reason why you should also be profane,” said the Countess + severely. + </p> + <p> + “I did not speak to you,” retorted the Baron, and again a constrained + silence fell on the room. + </p> + <p> + The Baron was the first to break it. + </p> + <p> + “Ha!” he cried. “I hear a step.” + </p> + <p> + “Thank God!” exclaimed the Countess devoutly. + </p> + <p> + In the blaze of a stable lantern there entered to them Dugald M'Culloch, + jailor. + </p> + <p> + “Will you be for any supper?” he inquired, with a politeness he felt due + to prisoners with purses. + </p> + <p> + “I do starve!” replied the Baron. + </p> + <p> + “And I am nearly fainting!” cried the Countess. + </p> + <p> + Both rose with an alacrity astonishing in people so nearly exhausted, and + made as though they would pass out. With a deprecatory gesture Dugald + arrested them. + </p> + <p> + “I will bring your supper fery soon,” said he. + </p> + <p> + “Here?” gasped the Countess. + </p> + <p> + “It is the master's orders.” + </p> + <p> + “Tell him I vill have him ponished mit ze law, if he does not let me come + out!” roared the Baron. + </p> + <p> + Their jailor was courtesy itself; but it was in their prison that they + supped—a silent meal, and very plain. And, bitterest pill of all, + they were further informed that in their prison they must pass the night. + </p> + <p> + “In ze same room!” cried the Baron frantically. “Impossible! Improper!” + </p> + <p> + Even his mother-in-law's solicitude shrank from this vigil; but with + unruffled consideration for their comfort their guardian and his + assistants made up two beds forthwith. The Baron, subdued to a fierce and + snarling moodiness, watched their preparations with a lurid eye. + </p> + <p> + “Put not zat bed so near ze door,” he snapped. + </p> + <p> + In his ear his jailor whispered, “That one's for you, sir, and dinna put + off your clothes!” + </p> + <p> + The Baron started, and from that moment his air of resignation began to + affront the Countess as deeply as his previous violence. When they were + again alone, stretched in black darkness each upon their couch, she lifted + up her voice in a last word of protest— + </p> + <p> + “Rudolph! have you no single feeling for me left? Why didn't you stab that + man?” + </p> + <p> + But the Baron merely retorted with a lifelike affectation of snoring. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2HCH0036" id="link2HCH0036"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + CHAPTER XXXVI + </h2> + <p> + For a long time the Baron lay wide awake, every sense alert, listening for + the creak of a footstep on the wooden stair that led up from the + harness-room to his prison. What else could the strange words of Dugald + have meant, save that some friend proposed to climb those stairs and + gently open that stubborn door? And in this opinion he had been confirmed + when he observed that on Dugald's departure the key turned with a silence + suggesting a recently oiled lock. His bed lay along the wall, with the + head so close to the door that any one opening it and stretching forth a + hand could tweak him by the nose without an effort (supposing that were + the object of their visit). Clearly, he thought, it was not thus arranged + without some very special purpose. Yet when hour after hour passed and + nothing happened, he began to sleep fitfully, and at last, worn out with + fruitless waiting, dropped into a profound slumber. + </p> + <p> + He was in the midst of a harassing dream or drama, wherein Bunker and Eva + played an incoherent part and he himself passed wearily from peril to + peril, when the stage suddenly was cleared, his eyes started open, and he + became wakefully conscious of a little ray of light that fell upon his + face. Before he could raise his head a soft voice whispered urgently, + </p> + <p> + “Don't move!” + </p> + <p> + With admirable self-control he obeyed implicitly. + </p> + <p> + “Who is zere?” he whispered back. + </p> + <p> + The voice seemed for a moment to hesitate, and then answered— + </p> + <p> + “Eleanor Maddison!” + </p> + <p> + He started so audibly that again she breathed peremptorily— + </p> + <p> + “Hush! Lie still till I come back. You—you don't deserve it, but I + want to save you from the disgrace of arrest.” + </p> + <p> + “Ach, zank you—mine better angel!” he murmured, with a fervor that + seemed not unpleasing to his rescuer. + </p> + <p> + “You really are a nobleman in trouble?” + </p> + <p> + “I swear I am!” + </p> + <p> + “And didn't mean anything really wrong?” + </p> + <p> + “Never—oh, never!” + </p> + <p> + More kindly than before she murmured— + </p> + <p> + “Well, I guess I'll take you out, then. I've bribed Dugald, so that's all + right. When my car's ready I'll send him up for you. You just lie still + till he comes.” + </p> + <p> + From which it appears that Count Bunker's appreciation of the sex fell + short of their meed. + </p> + <p> + Hardly daring to breathe for fear of awakening his fellow-prisoner, + trembling with agitation, and consumed by a mad impatience for action, the + Baron passed five of the longest minutes he had ever endured. At the end + of that time he heard a stealthy step upon the stairs, and with infinite + precautions threw off his bedclothes and sat upright, ready for instant + departure. But how slowly and with what a superfluity of precaution his + jailor moved! When the door at length opened he wondered that no ray of + light fell this time. + </p> + <p> + “Dugald!” he whispered eagerly. + </p> + <p> + “Hush!” replied a softer voice than Dugald's; as soft, indeed, as + Eleanor's, yet clearly different. + </p> + <p> + “Who is zat?” he gasped. + </p> + <p> + “Eva Gallosh!” said the silken voice. “Oh, is that you?” + </p> + <p> + “Yes—yes—it is me.” + </p> + <p> + “And are you really a Baron and an ambassador?” + </p> + <p> + “Oh yes—yes—certainly I am.” + </p> + <p> + “Then—then I've come to help you to escape! I've bribed Dugald—and + I've got a dog-cart here. Come quickly—but oh, be very quiet!” + </p> + <p> + For a moment the Baron actually hesitated to flee from that loathed + apartment. It seemed to him that if Fortune desired to provide him with + opportunities of escape she might have had the sense to offer these one at + a time. For how could he tell which of these overtures to close with? A + wrong decision might be fatal; yet time unquestionably pressed. + </p> + <p> + “Mein Gott!” he muttered irresolutely, “vich shall I do?” + </p> + <p> + At that moment the other bed creaked, and, to his infinite horror, he + heard a suspicious voice demand— + </p> + <p> + “Is that you talking, Rudolph?” + </p> + <p> + Poor Eva, who was quite unaware of the presence of another prisoner, + uttered a stifled shriek; with a cry of “Fly, quickly!” the Baron leaped + from his bed, and headlong down the wooden stairs they clattered for + freedom. + </p> + <p> + A dim vision of the thrice-bribed Dugald, screeching, “The car's ready for + ye, sir!” but increased their speed. + </p> + <p> + Outside, a motor car stood panting by the door, and in the youthful + driver, turning a pale face toward them in the lamp's radiance, the Baron + had just time to recognize his first fair deliverer. + </p> + <p> + “Good-bye!” he whispered to his second, and flung himself in. + </p> + <p> + Some one followed him; the door was slammed, and with a mighty throbbing + they began to move. + </p> + <p> + “Rudolph! Rudolph!” wailed a voice behind them. + </p> + <p> + “Zank ze goodness SHE is not here!” exclaimed the Baron. + </p> + <p> + “Whisht! whisht!” he could hear Dugald expostulate. + </p> + <p> + With a violent start he turned to the fellow-passenger who had followed + him in. + </p> + <p> + “Are you not Dugald?” he demanded hoarsely. + </p> + <p> + “No—it's—it's me! I dursn't wait for my dog-cart!” + </p> + <p> + “Eva!” he murmured. “Oh, Himmel! Vat shall I do?” + </p> + <p> + Only a screen of glass separated his two rescuers, and the one had but to + turn her head and look inside, or the other to study with any attention + the roll of hair beneath their driver's cap, in order to lead to most + embarrassing consequences. Not that it was his fault he should receive + such universal sympathy: but would these charming ladies admit his + innocence? + </p> + <p> + “How thoughtful of Dugald to have this car——” began Eva. + </p> + <p> + “Hush!” he muttered hoarsely. “Yes, it was thoughtful, but you most not + speak too loudly.” + </p> + <p> + “For fear——?” she smiled, and turned her eyes instinctively + toward their driver. + </p> + <p> + “Excuse me,” he muttered, sweeping her as gently as possible from her seat + and placing her upon the floor. + </p> + <p> + “It vill not do for zem to see you,” he explained in a whisper. + </p> + <p> + “How awful a position,” he reflected. “Oh, I hope it may still be dark ven + we get to ze station.” + </p> + <p> + But with rising concern he presently perceived that the telegraph posts + along the roadside were certainly grown plainer already; he could even see + the two thin wires against a paling sky; the road behind was visible for + half a mile; the hill-tops might no longer be confounded with the + clouds-day indubitably was breaking. Also he recollected that to go from + Lincoln Lodge to Torrydhulish Station one had to make a vast detour round + half the loch; and, further, began to suspect that though Miss Maddison's + driving was beyond reproach her knowledge of topography was scarcely so + dependable. In point of fact she increased the distance by at least a + third, and all the while day was breaking more fatally clear. + </p> + <p> + To discourage Miss Gallosh's efforts at conversation, yet keep her sitting + contentedly upon the floor; to appear asleep whenever Miss Maddison turned + her head and threw a glance inside, and to devise some adequate + explanation against the inevitable discovery at the end of their drive, + provided him with employment worthy of a diplomatist's steel. But now, at + last, they were within sight of railway signals and a long embankment; and + over a pine wood a stream of smoke moved with a swelling roar. Then into + plain view broke the engine and carriage after carriage racing behind. + Regardless of risk, he leaped from his seat and flung up the window, + crying— + </p> + <p> + “Ach, look! Ve shall be late!” + </p> + <p> + “That train is going north,” said Eleanor. “Guess we've half an hour good + before yours comes in.” + </p> + <p> + So little can mortals read the stars that he heaved a sigh of relief, and + even murmured— + </p> + <p> + “Ve have timed him very luckily!” + </p> + <p> + Ten minutes later they descended the hill to Torrydhulish Station. The + north-going train had paid its brief call and vanished nearly from sight + again; no one seemed to be moving about the station, and the Baron told + himself that nothing worse remained than the exercise of a little tact in + parting with his deliverers. + </p> + <p> + “Ach! I shall carry it off gaily,” he thought, and leaping lightly to the + ground, exclaimed with a genial air, as he gave his hand to Eva. + </p> + <p> + “Vell! Now have I a leetle surprise for you, ladies!” + </p> + <p> + Nor did he at all exaggerate their sensation. + </p> + <p> + “Miss Maddison!” + </p> + <p> + Alas, that it should be so far beyond the power of mere inky words to + express all that was implied in Eva's accents! + </p> + <p> + “Miss Gallosh!” + </p> + <p> + Nor is it less impossible to supply the significance of Eleanor's + intonation. + </p> + <p> + “Ladies, ladies!” he implored, “do not, I pray you, misunderstand! I vas + not responsible—I could not help it. You both VOULD come mit me! No, + no, do not look so at me! I mean not zat—I mean I could not do + vizout both of you. Ach, Himmel! Vat do I say? I should say zat—zat——” + </p> + <p> + He broke off with a start of apprehension. + </p> + <p> + “Look! Zere comes a man mit a bicycle! Zis is too public! Come mit me into + ze station and I shall eggsplain! He waves his fist! Come! you vould not + be seen here?” + </p> + <p> + He offered one arm to Eva, the other to Eleanor; and so alarming were the + gesticulations of the approaching cyclist, and so beseeching the Baron's + tones, that without more ado they clung to him and hurried on to the + platform. + </p> + <p> + “Come to ze vaiting-room!” he whispered. “Zere shall ve be safe!” + </p> + <p> + Alack for the luck of the Baron von Blitzenberg! Out of the very door they + were approaching stepped a solitary lady, sole passenger from the south + train, and at the sight of those three, linked arm in arm, she staggered + back and uttered a cry more piercing than the engine's distant whistle. + </p> + <p> + “Rudolph!” cried this lady. + </p> + <p> + “Alicia!” gasped the Baron. + </p> + <p> + His rescuers said nothing, but clung to him the more tightly, while in the + Baroness's startled eyes a harder light began to blaze. + </p> + <p> + “Who are these, Rudolph?” + </p> + <p> + He cleared his throat, but the process seemed to take some time, and in + the meanwhile he felt the grip of his deliverers relax. + </p> + <p> + “Who is that lady?” demanded Eleanor. + </p> + <p> + “His wife,” replied the Baroness. + </p> + <p> + The Baron felt his arms freed now; but still his Alicia waited an answer. + It came at last, but not from the Baron's lips. + </p> + <p> + “Well, here you all are!” said a cheerful voice behind them. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2HCH0037" id="link2HCH0037"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + CHAPTER XXXVII + </h2> + <p> + They turned as though they expected to see an apparition. Nor was the + appearance of the speaker calculated to disappoint such expectations. + Their startled eyes beheld indeed the most remarkable figure that had ever + wheeled a bicycle down the platform of Torrydhulish Station. Hatless, in + evening clothes with blue lapels upon the coat, splashed liberally with + mud, his feet equipped only with embroidered socks and saturated pumps, + his shirt-front bestarred with souvenirs of all the soils for thirty + miles, Count Bunker made a picture that lived long in their memories. Yet + no foolish consciousness of his plight disturbed him as he addressed the + Baron. + </p> + <p> + “Thank you, Baron, for escorting my fair friends so far. I shall now take + them off your hands.” + </p> + <p> + He smiled with pleasant familiarity upon the two astonished girls, and + then started as though for the first time he recognized the Baroness. + </p> + <p> + “Baroness!” he cried, bowing profoundly, “this is a very unexpected + pleasure! You came by the early train, I presume? A tiresome journey, + isn't it?” + </p> + <p> + But bewilderment and suspicion were all that he could read in reply. + </p> + <p> + “What—what are YOU doing here?” + </p> + <p> + He was not in the least disconcerted. + </p> + <p> + “Meeting my cousins” (he indicated the Misses Gallosh and Maddison with an + amiable glance), “whom the Baron has been kind enough to look after till + my arrival.” + </p> + <p> + Audaciously approaching more closely, he added, in a voice intended for + her ear and the Baron's alone— + </p> + <p> + “I must throw myself, I see, upon your mercy, and ask you not to tell any + tales out of school. Cousins, you know, don't always want their meetings + advertised—do they, Baron?” + </p> + <p> + Alicia's eyes softened a little. + </p> + <p> + “Then, they are really your——” + </p> + <p> + “Call 'em cousins, please! I have your pledge that you won't tell? Ah, + Baron, your charming wife and I understand one another.” + </p> + <p> + Then raising his voice for the benefit of the company generally— + </p> + <p> + “Well, you two will want to have a little talk in the waiting-room, I've + no doubt. We shall pace the platform. Very fit Rudolph's looking, isn't + he, Baroness? You've no idea how his lungs have strengthened.” + </p> + <p> + “His lungs!” exclaimed the Baroness in a changed voice. + </p> + <p> + Giving the Baron a wink to indicate that there lay the ace of trumps, he + answered reassuringly— + </p> + <p> + “When you learn how he has improved you'll forgive me, I'm sure, for + taking him on this little trip. Well, see you somewhere down the line, no + doubt—I'm going by the same train.” + </p> + <p> + He watched them pass into the waiting-room, and then turned an altered + face to the two dumbfounded girls. It was expressive now solely of + sympathy and contrition. + </p> + <p> + “Let us walk a little this way,” he began, and thus having removed them + safely from earshot of the waiting-room door, he addressed himself to the + severest part of his task. + </p> + <p> + “My dear girls, I owe you I don't know how many apologies for presuming to + claim you as my friends. The acuteness of the emergency is my only excuse, + and I throw myself most contritely upon your mercy!” + </p> + <p> + This second projection of himself upon a lady's mercy proved as successful + as the first. + </p> + <p> + “Well,” said Eleanor slowly, “I guess maybe we can forgive you for that; + but what I want to know is—what's happened?—who's who?—and + where just exactly are we?” + </p> + <p> + “That's just what I want to know too,” added Eva sadly. + </p> + <p> + Indeed, they both had a hint of tears in their eyes, and in their voices. + </p> + <p> + “What has happened,” replied the Count, “is that a couple of thoughtless + masqueraders came up here to play a little joke, and succeeded in getting + themselves into a scrape. For your share in getting us out of it we cannot + feel too grateful.” + </p> + <p> + “But, who is——?” the girls began together, and then stopped, + with a rise of color and a suspicion of displeasure in their interchange + of eyes. + </p> + <p> + “Who is who? Well, my friend is the Baron von Blitzenberg; and the lady + is, as she stated, his wife.” + </p> + <p> + “Then all this time——” began Eva. + </p> + <p> + “He was married!” Eleanor finished for her. “Oh, the heartless scoundrel! + To think that I rescued him!” + </p> + <p> + “I wouldn't have either!” said Eva; “I mean if—if I had known he + treated you so badly.” + </p> + <p> + “Treated ME! I was only thinking of YOU, Miss Gallosh!” + </p> + <p> + “Dear ladies!” interposed the Count with his ready tact, “remember his + excuse.” + </p> + <p> + “His excuse?” + </p> + <p> + “The beauty, the charm, the wit of the lady who took by storm a heart not + easily captured! He himself, poor fellow, thought it love-proof; but he + had not then met HER. Think mercifully of him!” + </p> + <p> + He was so careful to give no indication which of the rival belles was + “her,” that each was able to take to herself a certain mournful + consolation. + </p> + <p> + “That wasn't MUCH excuse,” said Eleanor, yet with a less vindictive air. + </p> + <p> + “Certainly not VERY much,” murmured Eva. + </p> + <p> + “He ought to have thought of the pain he was giving HER,” added Eleanor. + </p> + <p> + “Yes,” said Eva. “Indeed he ought!” + </p> + <p> + “Yes, that is true,” allowed the Count; “but remember his punishment! To + be married already now proves to be less his fault than his misfortune.” + </p> + <p> + By this time he had insidiously led them back to their car. + </p> + <p> + “And must you return at once?” he exclaimed. + </p> + <p> + “We had better,” said Eleanor, with a suspicion of a sigh. “Miss Gallosh, + I'll drive you home first.” + </p> + <p> + “You're too kind, Miss Maddison.” + </p> + <p> + “Oh, no!” + </p> + <p> + The Count assisted them in, greatly pleased to see this amicable spirit. + Then shaking hands heartily with each, he said— + </p> + <p> + “I can speak for my friend with conviction, because my own regard for the + lady in question is as deep and as sincere as his. Believe me, I shall + never forget her!” + </p> + <p> + He was rewarded with two of the kindest smiles ever bestowed upon him, and + as they drove away each secretly wondered why she had previously preferred + the Baron to the Count. It seemed a singular folly. + </p> + <p> + “Two deuced nice girls,” mused he; “I do believe I told 'em the truth in + every particular!” + </p> + <p> + He watched their car dwindle to a scurrying speck, and then strolled back + thoughtfully to purchase his ticket. + </p> + <p> + He found the signals down, and the far-off clatter of the train distinctly + audible through the early morning air. A few minutes more and he was + stepping into a first-class compartment, his remarkable costume earning + (he could not but observe) the pronounced attention of the guard. The + Baron and Alicia, with an air of mutual affection, entered another; both + the doors were closed, everything seemed ready, yet the train lingered. + </p> + <p> + “Start ze train! Start ze train! I vill give you a pound—two pound—tree + pound, to start him!” + </p> + <p> + The Count leaped up and thrust his head through the window. + </p> + <p> + “What the dickens——!” thought he. + </p> + <p> + Hanging out of the other window he beheld the clamant Baron urging the + guard with frenzied entreaty. + </p> + <p> + “But they're wanting to go by the train, sir,” said the guard. + </p> + <p> + “No, no. Zey do not! It is a mistake! Start him!” + </p> + <p> + Following their gaze he saw, racing toward them, the cause of their delay. + It was a motor car, yet not the same that had so lately departed. In this + were seated a young man and an elderly lady, both waving to hold back the + train; and to his vast amazement he recognized in the man Darius Maddison, + junior, in the lady the Countess of Grillyer. + </p> + <p> + The car stopped, the occupants alighted, and the Countess, supported on + the strong arm of Ri, scuttled down the platform. + </p> + <p> + “Bonker, take her in mit you!” groaned the Baron, and his head vanished + from the Count's sight. + </p> + <p> + Even this ordeal was not too much for Bunker's fidelity. + </p> + <p> + “Madam, there is room here!” he announced politely, as they swept past; + but with set faces they panted toward the doomed von Blitzenberg. + </p> + <p> + All of the tragedy that the Count, with strained neck, could see or + overhear, was a vision of the Countess being pushed by the guard and her + escort into that first-class compartment whence so lately the Baron's + crimson visage had protruded, and the voice of Ri stridently declaring— + </p> + <p> + “Guess you'll recognize your momma this time, Baron!” + </p> + <p> + A whistle from the guard, another from the engine, and they were off, + clattering southward in the first of the morning sunshine. + </p> + <p> + Inadequately attired, damp, hungry, and divorced from tobacco as the Count + was, he yet could say to himself with the sincerest honesty, + </p> + <p> + “I wouldn't change carriages with the Baron von Blitzenberg—not even + for a pair of dry socks and a cigar! Alas, poor Rudolph! May this teach + all young men a lesson in sobriety of conduct!” + </p> + <p> + For which moral reflection the historian feels it incumbent upon him, as a + philosopher and serious psychologist, to express his conscientious + admiration. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2H_EPIL" id="link2H_EPIL"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + EPILOGUE + </h2> + <p> + IT was an evening in early August, luminous and warm; the scene, a certain + club now emptied of all but a sprinkling of its members; the festival, + dinner; and the persons of the play, that gentleman lately known as Count + Bunker and his friend the Baron von Blitzenberg. The Count was habited in + tweeds; the Baron in evening dress. + </p> + <p> + “It vas good of you to come up to town jost to see me,” said the Baron. + </p> + <p> + “I'd have crossed Europe, Baron!” + </p> + <p> + The Baron smiled faintly. Evidently he was scarcely in his most florid + humor. + </p> + <p> + “I vish I could have asked you to my club, Bonker.” + </p> + <p> + “Are you dissatisfied with mine?” + </p> + <p> + “Oh, no, no! But—— vell, ze fact is, it vould be reported by + some one if I took you to ze Regents. Bonker, she does have me watched!” + </p> + <p> + “The Baroness?” + </p> + <p> + “Her mozzer.” + </p> + <p> + “The deuce, Baron!” + </p> + <p> + The diplomatist gloomily sipped his wine. + </p> + <p> + “You did hush it all up, eh?” he inquired presently. + </p> + <p> + “Completely.” + </p> + <p> + “Zank you. I vas so afraid of some scandal!” + </p> + <p> + “So were they; that's where I had 'em.” + </p> + <p> + “Did zey write in moch anger?” + </p> + <p> + “No—not very much; rather nice letters, in fact.” + </p> + <p> + The Baron began to cheer up. + </p> + <p> + “Ach, so! Vas zere any news of—ze Galloshes?” + </p> + <p> + “Yes, they seem very well. Old Rentoul has caught a salmon. Gallosh hopes + to get a fair bag——” + </p> + <p> + “Bot did zey say nozing about—about Miss Eva?” + </p> + <p> + “The letter was written by her, you see.” + </p> + <p> + “SHE wrote to YOU! Strange!” + </p> + <p> + “Very odd, isn't it?” + </p> + <p> + The Baron meditated for a minute and then inquired— + </p> + <p> + “Vat of ze Maddisons?” + </p> + <p> + “Well, I gather that Mr. Maddison is erecting an ibis house in connection + with the aviary. Ri has gone to Kamchatka, but hopes to be back by the + 12th——” + </p> + <p> + “And Eleanor—no vord of her?” + </p> + <p> + “It was she who wrote, don't you know.” + </p> + <p> + “Eleanor—and also to you! Bot vy should she?” + </p> + <p> + “Can't imagine; can you?” + </p> + <p> + The Baron shook his head solemnly. “No, Bonker, I cannot.” + </p> + <p> + For some moments he pondered over the remarkable conduct of these ladies; + and then— + </p> + <p> + “Did you also hear of ze Wallingfords?” he asked. + </p> + <p> + “I had a short note from them.” + </p> + <p> + “From him, or——” + </p> + <p> + “Her.” + </p> + <p> + “So! Humph, zey all seem fond of writing letters.” + </p> + <p> + “Why—have you had any too?” + </p> + <p> + “No; and I do not vant zem.” + </p> + <p> + Yet his immunity did not appear to exhilarate the diplomatist. + </p> + <p> + “Another bottle of the same,” said Bunker aside to the waiter. + </p> + <p> + . . . . . . + </p> + <p> + It was an hour later; the scene and the personages the same, but the + atmosphere marvellously altered. + </p> + <p> + “To ze ladies, Bonker!” + </p> + <p> + “To HER, Baron!” + </p> + <p> + “To zem both!” + </p> + <p> + The genial heart, the magnanimous soul of Rudolph von Blitzenberg had + asserted their dominion again. Depression, jealousy, repentance, qualms, + and all other shackles of the spirit whatsoever, had fled discomfited. Now + at last he saw his late exploits in their true heroic proportions, and + realized his marvellous good fortune in satisfying his aspirations so + gloriously. Raising his glass once more, he cried— + </p> + <p> + “Dear Bonker, my heart he does go out to you! Ach, you have given me soch + a treat. Vunce more I schmell ze mountain dew—I hear ze pipes—I + gaze into loffly eyes—I am ze noblest part of mineself! Bonker, I + vill defy ze mozzer of my wife! I drink to you, my friend, mit hip—hip—hip—hooray!” + </p> + <p> + “You have more than repaid me,” replied the Count, “by the spectacle you + have provided. Dear Baron, it was a panorama calculated to convert a + continent!” + </p> + <p> + “To vat should it convert him?” inquired the Baron with interest. + </p> + <p> + “To a creed even merrier than Socialism, more convivial than Total + Abstinence, and more perfectly designed for human needs than Esperanto—the + gospel of 'Cheer up.'” + </p> + <p> + “Sheerup?” repeated the Baron, whose acquaintance with the English words + used in commerce and war was singularly intimate, but who was occasionally + at fault with terms of less portentous import. + </p> + <p> + “A name given to the bridge that crosses the Slough of Despond,” explained + the Count. + </p> + <p> + The Baron still seemed puzzled. “I am not any wiser,” said he. + </p> + <p> + “Never cease thanking Heaven for that!” cried Bunker fervently. “The man + who once dubs himself wise is the jest of gods and the plague of mortals.” + </p> + <p> + With this handsome tribute to the character and attainments of one of + these heroes, and the Baronial roar that congratulated the other, our + chronicle may fittingly leave them; since the mutual admiration of two + such catholic critics is surely more significant than the colder approval + of a mere historian. + </p> + <p> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + + + + + +End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Count Bunker, by J. 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You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: Count Bunker + Being a Bald yet Veracious Chronicle Containing some Further + Particulars of Two Gentlemen Whose Previous Careers Were + Touched Upon in a Tome Entitled "The Lunatic At Large" + +Author: J. Storer Clouston + +Posting Date: September 26, 2008 [EBook #1613] +Release Date: January, 1999 + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ASCII + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK COUNT BUNKER *** + + + + +Produced by Charles Keller + + + + + +COUNT BUNKER + +Being A Bald Yet Veracious Chronicle Containing Some Further Particulars +Of Two Gentlemen Whose Previous Careers Were Touched Upon In A Tome +Entitled "The Lunatic At Large" + +By J. Storer Clouston + + + + +COUNT BUNKER + + + +CHAPTER I + +It is only with the politest affectation of interest, as a rule, +that English Society learns the arrival in its midst of an ordinary +Continental nobleman; but the announcement that the Baron Rudolph von +Blitzenberg had been appointed attache to the German embassy at the +Court of St. James was unquestionably received with a certain flutter of +excitement. That his estates were as vast as an average English county, +and his ancestry among the noblest in Europe, would not alone perhaps +have arrested the attention of the paragraphists, since acres and +forefathers of foreign extraction are rightly regarded as conferring +at the most a claim merely to toleration. But in addition to these +he possessed a charming English wife, belonging to one of the +most distinguished families in the peerage (the Grillyers of +Monkton-Grillyer), and had further demonstrated his judgment by +purchasing the winner of the last year's Derby, with a view to improving +the horse-flesh of his native land. + +From a footnote attached to the engraving of the Baron in a Homburg hat +holding the head of the steed in question, which formed the principal +attraction in several print-sellers' windows in Piccadilly, one gathered +that though his faculties had been cultivated and exercised in every +conceivable direction, yet this was his first serious entrance into the +diplomatic world. There was clearly, therefore, something unusual +about the appointment; so that it was rumored, and rightly, that an +international importance was to be attached to the incident, and a +delicate compliment to be perceived in the selection of so popular a +link between the Anglo-Saxon and the Teutonic peoples. Accordingly "Die +Wacht am Rhein" was played by the Guards' band down the entire length +of Ebury Street, photographs of the Baroness appeared in all the leading +periodicals, and Society, after its own less demonstrative but equally +sincere fashion, prepared to welcome the distinguished visitors. + +They arrived in town upon a delightful day in July, somewhat late in +the London season, to be sure, yet not too late to be inundated with a +snowstorm of cards and invitations to all the smartest functions that +remained. For the first few weeks, at least, you would suppose the Baron +to have no time for thought beyond official receptions and unofficial +dinners; yet as he looked from his drawing-room windows into the gardens +of Belgrave Square upon the second afternoon since they had settled into +this great mansion, it was not upon such functions that his fancy ran. +Nobody was more fond of gaiety, nobody more appreciative of purple and +fine linen, than the Baron von Blitzenberg; but as he mused there he +began to recall more and more vividly, and with an ever rising pleasure, +quite different memories of life in London. Then by easy stages regret +began to cloud this reminiscent satisfaction, until at last he sighed-- + +"Ach, my dear London! How moch should I enjoy you if I were free!" + +For the benefit of those who do not know the Baron either personally or +by repute, he may briefly be described as an admirably typical Teuton. +When he first visited England (some five years previously) he stood +for Bavarian manhood in the flower; now, you behold the fruit. As +magnificently mustached, as ruddy of skin, his eye as genial, and his +impulses as hearty; he added to-day to these two more stone of Teutonic +excellences incarnate. + +In his ingenuous glance, as in the more rounded contour of his +waistcoat, you could see at once that fate had dealt kindly with him. +Indeed, to hear him sigh was so unwonted an occurrence that the Baroness +looked up with an air of mild surprise. + +"My dear Rudolph," said she, "you should really open the window. You are +evidently feeling the heat." + +"No, not ze heat," replied the Baron. + +He did not turn his head towards her, and she looked at him more +anxiously. + +"What is it, then? I have noticed a something strange about you ever +since we landed at Dover. Tell me, Rudolph!" + +Thus adjured, he cast a troubled glance in her direction. He saw a face +whose mild blue eyes and undetermined mouth he still swore by as the +standard by which to try all her inferior sisters, and a figure whose +growing embonpoint yearly approached the outline of his ideal hausfrau. +But it was either St. Anthony or one of his fellow-martyrs who observed +that an occasional holiday from the ideal is the condiment in the +sauce of sanctity; and some such reflection perturbed the Baron at this +moment. + +"It is nozing moch," he answered. + +"Oh, I know what it is. You have grown so accustomed to seeing the same +people, year after year--the Von Greifners, and Rosenbaums, and all +those. You miss them, don't you? Personally, I think it a very good +thing that you should go abroad and be a diplomatist, and not stay in +Fogelschloss so much; and you'll soon make loads of friends here. Mother +comes to us next week, you know." + +"Your mozzer is a nice old lady," said the Baron slowly. "I respect her, +Alicia; bot it vas not mozzers zat I missed just now." + +"What was it?" + +"Life!" roared the Baron, with a sudden outburst of thundering +enthusiasm that startled the Baroness completely out of her composure. +"I did have fun for my money vunce in London. Himmel, it is too hot to +eat great dinners and to vear clothes like a monkey-jack." + +"Like a what?" gasped the Baroness. + +To hear the Baron von Blitzenberg decry the paraphernalia and splendors +of his official liveries was even more astonishing than his remarkable +denunciation of the pleasures of the table, since to dress as well +as play the part of hereditary grandee had been till this minute his +constant and enthusiastic ambition. + +"A meat-jack, I mean--or a--I know not vat you call it. Ach, I vant a +leetle fun, Alicia." + +"A little fun," repeated the Baroness in a breathless voice. "What kind +of fun?" + +"I know not," said he, turning once more to stare out of the window. + +To this dignified representative of a particularly dignified State +even the trees of Belgrave Square seemed at that moment a trifle too +conventionally perpendicular. If they would but dance and wave their +boughs he would have greeted their greenness more gladly. A good-looking +nursemaid wheeled a perambulator beneath their shade, and though she +never looked his way, he took a wicked pleasure in surreptitiously +closing first one eye and then the other in her direction. This might +not entirely satisfy the aspirations of his soul, yet it seemed to serve +as some vent for his pent-up spirit. He turned to his spouse with a +pleasantly meditative air. + +"I should like to see old Bonker vunce more," he observed. + +"Bunker? You mean Mr. Mandell-Essington?" said she, with an apprehensive +note in her voice. + +"To me he vill alvays be Bonker." + +The Baroness looked at him reproachfully. + +"You promised me, Rudolph, you would see as little as possible of Mr. +Essington." + +"Oh, ja, as leetle--as possible," answered the Baron, though not with +his most ingenuous air. "Besides, it is tree years since I promised. +For tree years I have seen nozing. My love Alicia, you vould not have me +forget mine friends altogezzer?" + +But the Baroness had too vivid a recollection of their last (and only) +visit to England since their marriage. By a curious coincidence that +also was three years ago. + +"When you last met you remember what happened?" she asked, with an +ominous hint of emotion in her accents. + +"My love, how often have I eggsplained? Zat night you mean, I did +schleep in mine hat because I had got a cold in my head. I vas not +dronk, no more zan you. Vat you found in my pocket vas a mere joke, +and ze cabman who called next day vas jost vat I told him to his ogly +face--a blackmail." + +"You gave him money to go away." + +"A Blitzenberg does not bargain mit cabmen," said the Baron loftily. + +His wife's spirits began to revive. There seemed to speak the owner of +Fogelschloss, the haughty magnate of Bavaria. + +"You have too much self-respect to wish to find yourself in such a +position again," she said. "I know you have, Rudolph!" + +The Baron was silent. This appeal met with distinctly less response than +she confidently counted upon. In a graver note she inquired-- + +"You know what mother thinks of Mr. Essington?" + +"Your mozzer is a vise old lady, Alicia; but we do not zink ze same on +all opinions." + +"She will be exceedingly displeased if you--well, if you do anything +that she THOROUGHLY disapproves of." + +The Baron left the window and took his wife's plump hand affectionately +within his own broad palm. + +"You can assure her, my love, zat I shall never do vat she dislikes. You +vill say zat to her if she inquires?" + +"Can I, truthfully?" + +"Ach, my own dear!" + +From his enfolding arms she whispered tenderly-- + +"Of course I will, Rudolph!" + +With a final hug the embrace abruptly ended, and the Baron hastily +glanced at his watch. + +"Ach, nearly had I forgot! I must go to ze club for half an hour." + +"Must you?" + +"To meet a friend." + +"What friend?" asked the Baroness quickly. + +"A man whose name you vould know vell--oh, vary vell known he is! But +in diplomacy, mine Alicia, a quiet meeting in a club is sometimes better +not to be advertised too moch. Great wars have come from one vord +of indiscretion. You know ze axiom of Bismarck--'In diplomacy it is +necessary for a diplomatist to be diplomatic.' Good-by, my love." + +He bowed as profoundly as if she were a reigning sovereign, blew an +affectionate kiss as he went through the door, and then descended the +stairs with a rapidity that argued either that his appointment was +urgent or that diplomacy shrank from a further test within this mansion. + + + +CHAPTER II + +For the last year or two the name of Rudolph von Blitzenberg had +appeared in the members' list of that most exclusive of institutions, +the Regent's Club, Pall Mall; and it was thither he drove on this fine +afternoon of July. At no resort in London were more famous personages +to be found, diplomatic and otherwise, and nothing would have been +more natural than a meeting between the Baron and a European celebrity +beneath its roof; so that if you had seen him bounding impetuously up +the steps, and noted the eagerness with which he inquired whether a +gentleman had called for him, you would have had considerable excuse +for supposing his appointment to be with a dignitary of the highest +importance. + +"Goot!" he cried on learning that a stranger was indeed waiting for +him. His face beamed with anticipatory joy. Aha! he was not to be +disappointed. + +"Vill he be jost the same?" he wondered. "Ah, if he is changed I shall +veep!" + +He rushed into the smoking-room, and there, instead of any bald +notability or spectacled statesman, there advanced to meet him a merely +private English gentleman, tolerably young, undeniably good-looking, and +graced with the most debonair of smiles. + +"My dear Bonker!" cried the Baron, crimsoning with joy. "Ach, how +pleased I am!" + +"Baron!" replied his visitor gaily. "You cannot deceive me--that +waistcoat was made in Germany! Let me lead you to a respectable tailor!" + +Yet, despite his bantering tone, it was easy to see that he took an +equal pleasure in the meeting. + +"Ha, ha!" laughed the Baron, "vot a fonny zing to say! Droll as ever, +eh?" + +"Five years less droll than when we first met," said the late Bunker and +present Essington. "You meet a dullish dog, Baron--a sobered reveller." + +"Ach, no! Not surely? Do not disappoint me, dear Bonker!" + +The Baron's plaintive note seemed to amuse his friend. + +"You don't mean to say you actually wish a boon companion? You, Baron, +the modern Talleyrand, the repository of three emperors' secrets? My +dear fellow, I nearly came in deep mourning." + +"Mourning! For vat?" + +"For our lamented past: I supposed you would have the air of a +Nonconformist beadle." + +"My friend!" said the Baron eagerly, and yet with a lowering of his +voice, "I vould not like to engage a beadle mit jost ze same feelings +as me. Come here to zis corner and let us talk! Vaiter! +whisky--soda--cigars--all for two. Come, Bonker!" + +Stretched in arm-chairs, in a quiet corner of the room, the two surveyed +one another with affectionate and humorous interest. For three years +they had not seen one another at all, and save once they had not met +for five. In five years a man may change his religion or lose his hair, +inherit a principality or part with a reputation, grow a beard or +turn teetotaler. Nothing so fundamental had happened to either of our +friends. The Baron's fullness of contour we have already noticed; in +Mandell-Essington, EX Bunker, was to be seen even less evidence of +the march of time. But years, like wheels upon a road, can hardly pass +without leaving in their wake some faint impress, however fair the +weather, and perhaps his hair lay a fraction of an inch higher up the +temple, and in the corners of his eyes a hint might even be discerned of +those little wrinkles that register the smiles and frowns. Otherwise +he was the same distinguished-looking, immaculately dressed, supremely +self-possessed, and charming Francis Bunker, whom the Baron's memory +stored among its choicer possessions. + +"Tell me," demanded the Baron, "vat you are doing mit yourself, mine +Bonker." + +"Doing?" said Essington, lighting his cigar. "Well, my dear Baron, I am +endeavoring to live as I imagine a gentleman should." + +"And how is zat?" + +"Riding a little, shooting a little, and occasionally telling the truth. +At other times I cock a wise eye at my modest patrimony, now and then I +deliver a lecture with magic-lantern slides; and when I come up to town +I sometimes watch cricket-matches. A devilish invigorating programme, +isn't it?" + +"Ha, ha!" laughed the Baron again; he had come prepared to laugh, and +carried out his intention religiously. "But you do not feel more old and +sober, eh?" + +"I don't want to, but no man can avoid his destiny. The natives of this +island are a serious people, or if they are frivolous, it is generally a +trifle vulgarly done. The diversions of the professedly gay-hooting +over pointless badinage and speculating whose turn it is to get divorced +next--become in time even more sobering than a scientific study with +diagrams of how to breed pheasants or play golf. If some one would teach +us the simple art of being light-hearted he would deserve to be placed +along with Nelson on his monument." + +"Oh, my dear vellow!" cried the Baron. "Do I hear zese kind of vords +from you?" + +"If you starved a city-full of people, wouldn't you expect to hear the +man with the biggest appetite cry loudest?" + +The Baron's face fell further and Essington laughed aloud. + +"Come, Baron, hang it! You of all people should be delighted to see me +a fellow-member of respectable society. I take you to be the type of the +conventional aristocrat. Why, a fellow who's been travelling in Germany +said to me lately, when I asked about you--'Von Blitzenberg,' said he, +'he's used as a simile for traditional dignity. His very dogs have to +sit up on their hind-legs when he inspects the kennels!'" + +The Baron with a solemn face gulped down his whisky-and-soda. + +"Zat is not true about my dogs," he replied, "but I do confess my life +is vary dignified. So moch is expected of a Blitzenberg. Oh, ja, zere is +moch state and ceremony." + +"And you seem to thrive on it." + +"Vell, it does not destroy ze appetite," the Baron admitted; "and it +is my duty so to live at Fogelschloss, and I alvays vish to do my duty. +But, ach, sometimes I do vant to kick ze trace!" + +"You mean you would want to if it were not for the Baroness?" + +Bunker smiled whimsically; but his friend continued as simply serious as +ever. + +"Alicia is ze most divine woman in ze world--I respect her, Bonker, I +love her, I gonsider her my better angel; but even in Heaven, I suppose, +peoples sometimes vould enjoy a stroll in Piccadeelly, or in some vay +to exercise ze legs and shout mit excitement. No doubt you zink it +unaccountable and strange--pairhaps ungrateful of me, eh?" + +"On the contrary, I feel as I should if I feared this cigar had gone out +and then found it alight after all." + +"You say so! Ah, zen I will have more boldness to confess my heart! +Bonker, ven I did land in England ze leetle thought zat vould rise +vas--'Ze land of freedom vunce again! Here shall I not have to be +alvays ze Baron von Blitzenberg, oldest noble in Bavaria, hereditary +carpet-beater to ze Court! I vill disguise and go mit old Bonker for a +frolic!'" + +"You touch my tenderest chord, Baron!" + +"Goot, goot, my friend!" cried the Baron, warming to his work of +confession like a penitent whose absolution is promised in advance; "you +speak ze vords I love to hear! Of course I vould not be vicked, and +I vould not disgrace myself; but I do need a leetle exercise. Is it +possible?" + +Essington sprang up and enthusiastically shook his hand. + +"Dear Baron, you come like a ray of sunshine through a London fog--like +a moulin rouge alighting in Carlton House Terrace! I thought my own +leaves were yellowing; I now perceive that was only an autumnal change. +Spring has returned, and I feel like a green bay tree!" + +"Hoch, hoch!" roared the Baron, to the great surprise of two Cabinet +Ministers and a Bishop who were taking tea at the other side of the +room. "Vat shall ve do to show zere is no sick feeling?" + +"H'm," reflected Essington, with a comical look. "There's a lot of +scaffolding at the bottom of St. James's Street. Should we have it down +to-night? Or what do you say to a packet of dynamite in the two-penny +tube?" + +The Baron sobered down a trifle. + +"Ach, not so fast, not qvite so fast, dear Bonker. Remember I must not +get into troble at ze embassy." + +"My dear fellow, that's your pull. Foreign diplomatists are +police-proof!" + +"Ah, but my wife!" + +"One stormy hour--then tears and forgiveness!" + +The Baron lowered his voice. + +"Her mozzer vill visit us next veek. I loff and respect Lady Grillyer; +but I should not like to have to ask her for forgiveness." + +"Yes, she has rather an uncompromising nose, so far as I remember." + +"It is a kind nose to her friends, Bonker," the Baron explained, "but +severe towards----" + +"Myself, for instance," laughed Essington. "Well, what do you suggest?" + +"First, zat you dine mit me to-night. No, I vill take no refusal! +Listen! I am now meeting a distinguished person on important +international business--do you pairceive? Ha, ha, ha! To-night it vill +be necessary ve most dine togezzer. I have an engagement, but he can be +put off for soch a great person as the man I am now meeting at ze club! +You vill gom?" + +"I should have been delighted--only unluckily I have a man dining with +me. I tell you what! You come and join us! Will you?" + +"If zat is ze only vay--yes, mit pleasure! Who is ze man?" + +"Young Tulliwuddle. Do you remember going to a dance at Lord +Tulliwuddle's, some five and a half years ago?" + +"Himmel! Ha, ha! Vell do I remember!" + +"Well, our host of that evening died the other day, and this fellow is +his heir--a second or third cousin whose existence was so displeasing to +the old peer that he left him absolutely nothing that wasn't entailed, +and never said 'How-do-you-do?' to him in his life. In consequence, he +may not entertain you as much as I should like." + +"If he is your friend, I shall moch enjoy his society!" + +"I am flattered, but hardly convinced. Tulliwuddle's intellect is +scarcely of the sparkling kind. However, come and try." + +The hour, the place, were arranged; a reminiscence or two exchanged; +fresh suggestions thrown out for the rejuvenation of a Bavarian magnate; +another baronial laugh shook the foundations of the club; and then, as +the afternoon was wearing on, the Baron hailed a cab and galloped for +Belgrave Square, and the late Mr. Bunker sauntered off along Pall Mall. + +"Who can despair of human nature while the Baron von Blitzenberg adorns +the earth?" he reflected. "The discovery of champagne and the invention +of summer holidays were minor events compared with his descent from +Olympus!" + +He bought a button-hole at the street corner and cocked his hat, more +airily than ever. + +"A volcanic eruption may inspire one to succor humanity, a wedding to +condole with it, and a general election to warn it of its folly; but the +Baron inspires one to amuse!" + +Meanwhile that Heaven-sent nobleman, with a manner enshrouded in +mystery, was comforting his wife. + +"Ah, do not grieve, mine Alicia! No doubt ze Duke vill be disappointed +not to see us to-night, but I have telegraphed. Ja, I have said I had so +important an affair. Ach, do not veep! I did not know you wanted so moch +to dine mit ze old Duke. I sopposed you vould like a quiet evening at +home. But anyhow I have now telegraphed--and my leetle dinner mit my +friend--Ach, it is so important zat I most rosh and get dressed. Cheer +up, my loff! Good-by!" + +He paused in answer to a tearful question. + +"His name? Alas, I have promised not to say. You vould not have a +European war by my indiscretion?" + + + +CHAPTER III + +With mirrors reflecting a myriad lights, with the hum of voices, the +rustle of satin and lace, the hurrying steps of waiters, the bubbling +of laughter, of life, and of wine--all these on each side of them, and +a plate, a foaming glass, and a friend in front, the Baron and his host +smiled radiantly down upon less favored mortals. + +"Tulliwuddle is very late," said Essington; "but he's a devilish casual +gentleman in all matters." + +"I am selfish enoff to hope he vill not gom at all!" exclaimed the +Baron. + +"Unfortunately he has had the doubtful taste to conceive a curiously +high opinion of myself. I am afraid he won't desert us. But I don't +propose that we shall suffer for his slackness. Bring the fish, waiter." + +The Baron was happy; and that is to say that his laughter re-echoed +from the shining mirrors, his tongue was loosed, his heart expanded, his +glass seemed ever empty. + +"Ach, how to make zis joie de vivre to last beyond to-night!" he cried. +"May ze Teufel fly off mit of offeecial duties and receptions and--and +even mit my vife for a few days." + +"My dear Baron!" + +"To Alicia!" cried the Baron hastily, draining his glass at the toast. +"But some fun first!" + + "'I could not love thee, dear, so well, + Loved I not humor more!'" + +misquoted his host gaily. "Ah!" he added, "here comes Tulliwuddle." + +A young man, with his hands in his pockets and an eyeglass in his eye, +strolled up to their table. + +"I'm beastly sorry for being so late," said he; "but I'm hanged if +I could make up my mind whether to risk wearing one of these frilled +shirt-fronts. It's not bad, I think, with one's tie tied this way. What +do you say?" + +"It suits you like a halo," Essington assured him. "But let me introduce +you to my friend the Baron Rudolph von Blitzenberg." + +Lord Tulliwuddle bowed politely and took the empty chair; but it was +evident that his attention could not concentrate itself upon sublunary +matters till the shirt-front had been critically inspected and +appreciatively praised by his host. Indeed, it was quite clear that +Essington had not exaggerated his regard for himself. This admiration +was perhaps the most pleasing feature to be noted on a brief +acquaintance with his lordship. He was obviously intended neither for a +strong man of action nor a great man of thought. A tolerable appearance +and considerable amiability he might no doubt claim; but unfortunately +the effort to retain his eye-glass had apparently the effect of forcing +his mouth chronically open, which somewhat marred his appearance; while +his natural good-humor lapsed too frequently into the lamentations of +an idle man that Providence neglected him or that his creditors were too +attentive. + +It happens, however, that it is rather his circumstances than his person +which concern this history. And, briefly, these were something in +this sort. Born a poor relation and guided by no strong hand, he had +gradually seen himself, as Reverend uncles and Right Honorable cousins +died off, approach nearer and nearer to the ancient barony of Tulliwuddle +(created 1475 in the peerage of Scotland), until this year he had +actually succeeded to it. But after his first delight in this piece of +good fortune had subsided he began to realize in himself two notable +deficiencies very clearly, the lack of money, and more vaguely, the +want of any preparation for filling the shoes of a stately courtier +and famous Highland chieftain. He would often, and with considerable +feeling, declare that any ordinary peer he could easily have become, but +that being old Tulliwuddle's heir, by Gad! he didn't half like the job. + +At present he was being tolerated or befriended by a small circle of +acquaintances, and rapidly becoming a familiar figure to three or four +tailors and half a dozen door-keepers at the stage entrances to divers +Metropolitan theatres. In the circle of acquaintances, the humorous +sagacity of Essington struck him as the most astonishing thing he had +ever known. He felt, in fact, much like a village youth watching his +first conjuring performance, and while the whim lasted (a period which +Essington put down as probably six weeks) he would have gone the length +of paying a bill or ordering a tie on his recommendation alone. + +To-night the distinguished appearance and genial conversation of +Essington's friend impressed him more than ever with the advantages of +knowing so remarkable a personage. A second bottle succeeded the first, +and a third the second, the cordiality of the dinner growing all the +while, till at last his lordship had laid aside the last traces of his +national suspicion of even the most charming strangers. + +"I say, Essington," he said, "I had meant to tell you about a devilish +delicate dilemma I'm in. I want your advice." + +"You have it," interrupted his host. "Give her a five-pound note, see +that she burns your letters, and introduce her to another fellow." + +"But--er--that wasn't the thing----" + +"Tell him you'll pay in six months, and order another pair of trousers," +said Essington, briskly as ever. + +"But, I say, it wasn't that----" + +"My dear Tulliwuddle, I never give racing tips." + +"Hang it!" + +"What is the matter?" + +Tulliwuddle glanced at the Baron. + +"I don't know whether the Baron would be interested----" + +"Immensely, my goot Tollyvoddle! Supremely! hugely! I could be +interested to-night in a museum!" + +"The Baron's past life makes him a peculiarly catholic judge of +indiscretions," said Essington. + +Thus reassured, Tulliwuddle began-- + +"You know I've an aunt who takes an interest in me--wants me to collar +an heiress and that sort of thing. Well, she has more or less arranged a +marriage for me." + +"Fill your glasses, gentlemen!" cried Essington. + +"Hoch, hoch!" roared the Baron. + +"But, I say, wait a minute! That's only the beginning. I don't know the +girl--and she doesn't know me." + +He said the last words in a peculiarly significant tone. + +"Do you wish me to introduce you?" + +"Oh, hang it! Be serious, Essington. The point is--will she marry me if +she does know me?" + +"Himmel! Yes, certainly!" cried the Baron. + +"Who is she?" asked their host, more seriously. + +"Her father is Darius P. Maddison, the American Silver King." + +The other two could not withhold an exclamation. + +"He has only two children, a son and a daughter, and he wants to marry +his daughter to an English peer--or a Scotch, it's all the same. My aunt +knows 'em pretty well, and she has recommended me." + +"An excellent selection," commented his host. + +"But the trouble is, they want rather a high-class peer. Old Maddison is +deuced particular, and I believe the girl is even worse." + +"What are the qualifications desired?" + +"Oh, he's got to be ambitious, and a promising young man--and elevated +tastes--and all that kind of nonsense." + +"But you can be all zat if you try!" said the Baron eagerly. "Go to +Germany and get trained. I did vork twelve hours a day for ten years to +be vat I am." + +"I'm different," replied the young peer gloomily. "Nobody ever trained +me. Old Tulliwuddle might have taken me up if he had liked, but he was +prejudiced against me. I can't become all those things now." + +"And yet you do want to marry the lady?" + +"My dear Essington, I can't afford to lose such a chance! One doesn't +get a Miss Maddison every day. She's a deuced handsome girl too, they +say." + +"By Gad, it's worth a trip across the Atlantic to try your luck," said +Essington. "Get 'em to guarantee your expenses and you'll at least learn +to play poker and see Niagara for nothing." + +"They aren't in America. They've got a salmon river in Scotland, and +they are there now. It's not far from my place, Hechnahoul." + +"She's practically in your arms, then?" + +"Ach. Ze affair is easy!" + +"Pipe up the clan and abduct her!" + +"Approach her mit a kilt!" + +But even those optimistic exhortations left the peer still melancholy. + +"It sounds all very well," said he, "but my clansmen, as you call 'em, +would expect such a devil of a lot from me too. Old Tulliwuddle +spoiled them for any ordinary mortal. He went about looking like an +advertisement for whisky, and called 'em all by their beastly Gaelic +names. I have never been in Scotland in my life, and I can't do that +sort of thing. I'd merely make a fool of myself. If I'd had to go to +America it wouldn't have been so bad." + +At this weak-kneed confession the Baron could hardly withhold an +exclamation of contempt, but Essington, with more sympathy, inquired-- + +"What do you propose to do, then?" + +His lordship emptied his glass. + +"I wish I had your brains and your way of carrying things off, +Essington!" he said, with a sigh. "If you got a chance of showing +yourself off to Miss Maddison she'd jump at you!" + +A gleam, inspired and humorous, leaped into Essington's eyes. The Baron, +whose glance happened at the moment to fall on him, bounded gleefully +from his seat. + +"Hoch!" he cried, "it is mine old Bonker zat I see before me! Vat have +you in your mind?" + +"Sit down, my dear Baron; that lady over there thinks you are preparing +to attack her. Shall we smoke? Try these cigars." + +Throwing the Baron a shrewd glance to calm his somewhat alarming +exhilaration, their host turned with a graver air to his other guest. + +"Tulliwuddle," said he, "I should like to help you." + +"I wish to the deuce you could!" + +Essington bent over the table confidentially. + +"I have an idea." + + + +CHAPTER IV + +The three heads bent forward towards a common centre--the Baron agog +with suppressed excitement, Tulliwuddle revived with curiosity and a +gleam of hope, Essington impressive and cool. + +"I take it," he began, "that if Mr. Darius P. Maddison and his coveted +daughter could see a little of Lord Tulliwuddle--meet him at lunch, talk +to him afterwards, for instance--and carry away a favorable impression +of the nobleman, there would not be much difficulty in subsequently +arranging a marriage?" + +"Oh, none," said Tulliwuddle. "They'd be only too keen, IF they approved +of me; but that's the rub, you know." + +"So far so good. Now it appears to me that our modest friend here +somewhat underrates his own powers of fascination." + +"Ach, Tollyvoddle, you do indeed," interjected the Baron. + +"But since this idea is so firmly established in his mind that it may +actually prevent him from displaying himself to the greatest advantage, +and since he has been good enough to declare that he would regard with +complete confidence my own chances of success were I in his place, I +would propose--with all becoming diffidence--that _I_ should interview +the lady and her parent instead of him." + +"A vary vise idea, Bonker," observed the Baron. + +"What!" said Tulliwuddle. "Do you mean that you would go and crack me +up, and that sort of thing?" + +"No; I mean that I should enjoy a temporary loan of your name and of +your residence, and assure them by a personal inspection that I have a +sufficient assortment of virtues for their requirements." + +"Splendid!" shouted the Baron. "Tollyvoddle, accept zis generous offer +before it is too late!" + +"But," gasped the diffident nobleman, "they would find out the next time +they saw me." + +"If the business is properly arranged, that would only be when you came +out of church with her. Look here--what fault have you to find with this +scheme? I produce the desired impression, and either propose at once and +am accepted----" + +"H'm," muttered Tulliwuddle doubtfully. + +"Or I leave things in such good train that you can propose and get +accepted afterwards by letter." + +"That's better," said Tulliwuddle. + +"Then, by a little exercise of our wits, you find an excuse for hurrying +on the marriage--have it a private affair for family reasons, and so +on. You will be prevented by one excuse or another from meeting the lady +till the wedding-day. We shall choose a darkish church, you will have a +plaster on your face--and the deed is done!" + +"Not a fault can I find," commented the Baron sagely. "Essington, I +congratulate you." + +Between his complete confidence in Essington and the Baron's unqualified +commendation, Lord Tulliwuddle was carried away by the project. + +"I say, Essington, what a good fellow you are!" he cried. "You really +think it will work?" + +"What do you say, Baron?" + +"It cannot fail, I do solemnly assure you. Be thankful you have soch a +friend, Tollyvoddle!" + +"You don't think anybody will suspect that you aren't really me?" + +"Does any one up at Hechnahoul know you?" + +"No." + +"And no one there knows me. They will never suspect for an instant." + +His lordship assumed a look that would have been serious, almost +impressive, had he first removed his eye-glass. Evidently some weighty +consideration had occurred to him. + +"You are an awfully clever chap, Essington," he said, "and +deuced superior to most fellows, and--er--all that kind of thing. +But--well--you don't mind my saying it?" + +"My morals? My appearance? Say anything you like, my dear fellow." + +"It's only this, that noblesse oblige, and that kind of thing, you +know." + +"I am afraid I don't quite follow." + +"Well, I mean that you aren't a nobleman, and do you think you could +carry things off like a--ah--like a Tulliwuddle?" + +Essington remained entirely serious. + +"I shall have at my elbow an adviser whose knowledge of the highest +society in Europe is, without exaggeration, unequalled. Your perfectly +natural doubts will be laid at rest when I tell you that I hope to be +accompanied by the Baron Rudolph von Blitzenberg." + +The Baron could no longer contain himself. + +"Himmel! Hurray! My dear friend, I vill go mit you to hell!" + +"That's very good of you," said Essington, "but you mistake my present +destination. I merely wish your company as far as the Castle of +Hechnahoul." + +"I gom mit so moch pleasure zat I cannot eggspress! Tollyvoddle, be no +longer afraid. I have helped to write a book on ze noble families +of Germany--zat is to say, I have contributed my portrait and some +anecdote. Our dear friend shall make no mistakes!" + +By this guarantee Lord Tulliwuddle's last doubts were completely set +at rest. His spirits rose as he perceived how happily this easy avenue +would lead him out of all his troubles. He insisted on calling for +wine and pledging success to the adventure with the most resolute and +confident air, and nothing but a few details remained now to be settled. +These were chiefly with regard to the precise limits up to which the +duplicate Lord Tulliwuddle might advance his conquering arms. + +"You won't formally propose, will you?" said the first edition of that +peer. + +"Certainly not, if you prefer to negotiate the surrender yourself," the +later impression assured him. + +"And you mustn't--well--er----" + +"I shall touch nothing." + +"A girl might get carried away by you," said the original peer a trifle +doubtfully. + +"The Baron is the most scrupulous of men. He will be by my side +almost continually. Baron, you will act as my judge, my censor, and my +chaperon?" + +"Tollyvoddle, I swear to you zat I shall use an eye like ze eagle. He +shall be so careful--ach, I shall see to it! Myself, I am a Bayard mit +ze ladies, and Bonker he shall not be less so!" + +"Thanks, Baron, thanks awfully," said his lordship. "Now my mind is +quite at rest!" + +In the vestibule of the restaurant they bade good-night to the confiding +nobleman, and then turned to one another with an adventurer's smile. + +"You are sure you can leave your diplomatic duties?" asked Essington. + +"Zey vill be my diplomatic duties zat I go to do! Oh, I shall prepare a +leetle story--do not fear me." + +The Baron chuckled, and then burst forth + +"Never was zere a man like you. Oh, cunning Mistair Bonker! And you vill +give me zomezing to do in ze adventure, eh?" + +"I promise you that, Baron." + +As he gave this reassuring pledge, a peculiar smile stole over Mr. +Bunker's face--a smile that seemed to suggest even happier possibilities +than either of his distinguished friends contemplated. + + + +CHAPTER V + +It is at all times pleasant to contemplate thorough workmanship +and sagacious foresight, particularly when these are allied with +disinterested purpose and genuine enthusiasm. For the next few days Mr. +Bunker, preparing to carry out to the best of his ability the delicate +commission with which he had been entrusted, presented this stimulating +spectacle. + +Absolutely no pains were left untaken. By the aid of some volumes lent +him by Tulliwuddle he learned, and digested in a pocketbook, as much +information as he thought necessary to acquire concerning the history of +the noble family he was temporarily about to enter; together with +notes of their slogan or war-cry (spelled phonetically to avoid the +possibility of a mistake), of their acreage, gross and net rentals, the +names of their land-agents, and many other matters equally to the point. +It was further to be observed that he spared no pains to imprint these +particulars in the Baron's Teutonic memory--whether to support his own +in case of need, or for some more secret purpose, it were impossible to +fathom. Disguised as unconspicuous and harmless persons, they would meet +in many quiet haunts whose unsuspected excellences they could guarantee +from their old experience, and there mature their philanthropic plan. + +Not only had its talented originator to impress the Tulliwuddle annals +and statistics into his ally's eager mind, but he had to exercise the +nicest tact and discernment lest the Baron's excess of zeal should trip +their enterprise at the very outset. + +"To-day I have told Alicia zat my visit to Russia vill probably be +vollowed by a visit to ze Emperor of China," the Baron would recount +with vast pride in his inventive powers. "And I have dropped a leetle +hint zat for an envoy to be imprisoned in China is not to be surprised. +Zat vill prepare her in case I am avay longer zan ve expect." + +"And how did she take that intimation?" asked Essington, with a less +congratulatory air than he had expected. + +"I did leave her in tears." + +"My dear Baron, fly to her to tell her you are not going to China! +She will get so devilish alarmed if you are gone a week that she'll go +straight to the embassy and make inquiries." + +He shook his head, and added in an impressive voice-- + +"Never lie for lying's sake, Blitzenberg. Besides, how do you propose to +forge a Chinese post-mark?" + +The Baron had laid the foundations of his Russian trip on a sound basis +by requesting a friend of his in that country to post to the Baroness +the bi-weekly budgets of Muscovite gossip which he intended to +compose at Hechnahoul. This, it seemed to him, would be a simple feat, +particularly with his friend Bunker to assist; but he had to confess +that the provision of Chinese news would certainly be more difficult. + +"Ach, vell, I shall contradict China," he agreed. + +It will be readily believed that what with getting up his brief, pruning +the legends with which the Baron proposed to satisfy his wife and his +ambassador, and purchasing an outfit suitable to the roles of peer and +chieftain, this indefatigable gentleman passed three or four extremely +busy days. + +"Ve most start before my dear mozzer-in-law does gom!" the Baron more +than once impressed upon him, so that there was no moment to be wasted. + +Two days before their departure Mr. Bunker greeted his ally with a +peculiarly humorous smile. + +"The pleasures of our visit to Hechnahoul are to be considerably +augmented," said he. "Tulliwuddle has only just made the discovery +that his ancestral castle is let; but his tenant, in the most handsome +spirit, invites us to be his guests so long as we are in Scotland. A +very hospitable letter, isn't it?" + +He handed him a large envelope with a more than proportionately large +crest upon it, and drawing from this a sheet of note-paper headed by a +second crest, the Baron read this epistle: + + +"MY LORD,--Learning that you propose visiting your Scottish estates, and +Mr. M'Fadyen, your factor, informing me no lodge is at present available +for your reception, it will give Mrs. Gallosh and myself great pleasure, +and we will esteem it a distinguished honor, if you and your friend will +be our guests at Hechnahoul Castle during the duration of your visit. +Should you do us the honor of accepting, I shall send my steam launch +to meet you at Torrydhulish pier and convey you across the loch, if you +will be kind enough to advise me which train you are coming by. + +"In conclusion, Mrs. Gallosh and myself beg to assure you that although +you find strangers in your ancestral halls, you will receive both from +your tenantry and ourselves a very hearty welcome to your native land. +Believe me, your obedient servant, + +"DUNCAN JNO. GALLOSH." + + +"Zat is goot news!" cried the Baron. "Ve shall have company--perhaps +ladies! Ach, Bonker, I have ze soft spot in mine heart: I am so constant +as ze needle to ze pole; but I do like sometimes to talk mit voman!" + +"With Mrs. Gallosh, for instance?" + +"But, Bonker, zere may be a Miss Gallosh." + +"If you consulted the Baroness," said Bunker, smiling, "I suspect she +would prefer you to be imprisoned in China." + +The Baron laughed, and curled his martial mustache with a dangerous air. + +"Who is zis Gallosh?" he inquired. + +"Scottish, I judge from his name; commercial, from his literary style; +elevated by his own exertions, from the size of his crest; and wealthy, +from the fact that he rents Hechnahoul Castle. His mention of Mrs. +Gallosh points to the fact that he is either married or would have us +think so; and I should be inclined to conclude that he has probably +begot a family." + +"Aha!" said the Baron. "Ve vill gom and see, eh?" + + + +CHAPTER VI + +A carefully clothed young man, with an eyeglass and a wavering gait, +walked slowly out of Euston Station. He had just seen the Scottish +express depart, and this event seemed to have filled him with dubious +reflections. In fact, at the very last moment Lord Tulliwuddle's +confidence in his two friends had been a trifling degree disturbed. It +occurred to him as he lingered by the door of their reserved first-class +compartment that they had a little too much the air of gentlemen +departing on their own pleasure rather than on his business. No sooner +did he drop a fretful hint of this opinion than their affectionate +protestations had quickly revived his spirit; but now that they were no +longer with him to counsel and encourage, it once more drooped. + +"Confound it!" he thought, "I hadn't bargained on having to keep out +of people's way till they came back. If Essington had mentioned that +sooner, I don't know that I'd have been so keen about the notion. Hang +it! I'll have to chuck the Morrells' dance. And I can't go with the +Greys to Ranelagh. I can't even dine with my own aunt on Sunday. Oh, the +devil!" + +The perturbed young peer waved his umbrella and climbed into a hansom. + +"Well, anyhow, I can still go on seeing Connie. That's some +consolation," he told himself; and without stopping to consider what +would be the thoughts of his two obliging friends had they known he was +seeking consolation in the society of one lady while they were arranging +his nuptials with another, the baptismal Tulliwuddle drove back to the +civilization of St. James's. + +Within the reserved compartment was no foreboding, no faint-hearted +paling of the cheek. As the train clattered, hummed, and presently +thundered on its way, the two laughed cheerfully towards one another, +delighted beyond measure with the prosperous beginning of their +enterprise. The Baron could not sufficiently express his gratitude and +admiration for the promptitude with which his friend had purveyed so +promising an adventure. + +"Ve vill have fon, my Bonker. Ach! ve vill," he exclaimed for the third +or fourth time within a dozen miles from Euston. + +His Bunker assumed an air half affectionate, half apologetic. + +"I only regret that I should have the lion's share of the adventure, my +dear Baron." + +"Yes," said the Baron, with a symptom of a sigh, "I do envy you indeed. +Yet I should not say zat----" Bunker swiftly interrupted him. + +"You would like to play a worthier part than merely his lordship's +friend?" + +"Ach! if I could." + +Bunker smiled benignantly. + +"Ah, Baron, you cannot suppose that I would really do Tulliwuddle such +injustice as to attempt, in my own feeble manner, to impersonate him?" + +The Baron stared. + +"Vat mean you?" + +"YOU shall be the lion, _I_ the humble necessary jackal. As our friend +so aptly quoted, noblesse oblige. Of course, there can be no doubt about +it. You, Baron, must play the part of peer, I of friend." + +The Baron gasped. + +"Impossible!" + +"Quite simple, my dear fellow." + +"You--you don't mean so?" + +"I do indeed." + +"Bot I shall not do it so vell as you." + +"A hundred times better." + +"Bot vy did you not say so before?" + +"Tulliwuddle might not have agreed with me." + +"Bot vould he like it now?" + +"It is not what he likes that we should consider, it's what is good for +his interests." + +"Bot if I should fail?" + +"He will be no worse off than before. Left to himself, he certainly +won't marry the lady. You give him his only chance." + +"Bot more zan you vould, really and truthfully?" + +"My dear Baron, you are admitted by all to be an ideal German nobleman. +Therefore you will certainly make an ideal British peer. You have the +true Grand-Seigneur air. No one would mistake you for anything but a +great aristocrat, if they merely saw you in bathing pants; whereas +I have something a little different about my manner. I'm not so +impressive--not so hall-marked, in fact." + +His friend's omniscient air and candidly eloquent tone impressed the +Baron considerably. His ingrained conviction of his own importance +accorded admirably with these arguments. His thirst for "life" craved +this lion's share. His sanguine spirit leaped at the appeal. Yet +his well-regulated conscience could not but state one or two patent +objections. + +"Bot I have not read so moch of the Tollyvoddles as you. I do not know +ze strings so vell." + +"I have told you nearly everything I know. You will find the rest here." + +Essington handed him the note-book containing his succinct digest. +In intelligent anticipation of this contingency it was written in his +clearest handwriting. + +"You should have been a German," said the Baron admiringly. + +He glanced with sparkling eyes at the note-book, and then with a +distinctly greater effort the Teutonic conscience advanced another +objection. + +"Bot you have bought ze kilt, ze Highland hat, ze brogue shoes." + +"I had them made to your measurements." + +The Baron impetuously embraced his thoughtful friend. Then again his +smile died away. + +"Bot, Bonker, my voice! Zey tell me I haf nozing zat you vould call +qvite an accent; bot a foreigner--one does regognize him, eh?" + +"I shall explain that in a sentence. The romantic tincture of--well, not +quite accent, is a pleasant little piece of affectation adopted by the +young bloods about the Court in compliment to the German connections of +the Royal family." + +The Baron raised no more objections. + +"Bonker, I agree! Tollyvoddle I shall be, by Jove and all!" + +He beamed his satisfaction, and then in an eager voice asked-- + +"You haf not ze kilt in zat hat-box?" + +Unfortunately, however, the kilt was in the van. + +Now the journey, propitiously begun, became more exhilarating, more +exciting with each mile flung by. The Baron, egged on by his friend's +high spirits and his own imagination to anticipate pleasure upon +pleasure, watched with rapture the summer landscape whiz past the +windows. Through the flat midlands of England they sped; field after +field, hedgerow after hedgerow, trees by the dozen, by the hundred, +by the thousand, spinning by in one continuous green vista. Red brick +towns, sluggish rivers, thatched villages and ancient churches dark with +yews, the shining web of junctions, and a whisking glimpse of wayside +stations leaped towards them, past them, and leagues away behind. But +swiftly as they sped, it was all too slowly for the fresh-created Lord +Tulliwuddle. + +"Are we not nearly to Scotland yet?" he inquired some fifty times. + +"'My heart's in the Highlands a-chasing the dears!'" hummed the +abdicated nobleman, whose hilarity had actually increased (if that were +possible) since his descent into the herd again. + +All the travellers' familiar landmarks were hailed by the gleeful +diplomatist with encouraging comments. + +"Ach, look! Beauteeful view! How quickly it is gone! Hurray! Ve must be +nearly to Scotland." + +A panegyric on the rough sky-line of the north country fells was +interrupted by the entrance of the dining-car attendant. Learning that +they would dine, he politely inquired in what names he should engage +their seats. Then, for an instant, a horrible confusion nearly overcame +the Baron. He--a von Blitzenberg--to give a false name! His color rose, +he stammered, and only in the nick of time caught his companion's eye. + +"Ze Lord Tollyvoddle," he announced, with an effort as heroic as any of +his ancestors' most warlike enterprises. + +Too impressed to inquire how this remarkable title should be spelled, +the man turned to the other distinguished-looking passenger. + +"Bunker," said that gentleman, with smiling assurance. + +The man went out. + +"Now are ve named!" cried the Baron, his courage rising the higher for +the shock it had sustained. "And you vunce more vill be Bonker? Goot!" + +"That satisfies you?" + +The Baron hesitated. + +"My dear friend, I have a splendid idea! Do you know I did disgover zere +used to be a nobleman in Austria really called Count Bonker? He vas a +famous man; you need not be ashamed to take his name. Vy should not you +be Count Bonker?" + +"You prefer to travel in titled company? Well, be hanged--why not! When +one comes to think of it, it seems a pity that my sins should always be +attributed to the middle classes." + +Accordingly this history has now the honorable task of chronicling the +exploits of no fewer than two noblemen. + + + +CHAPTER VII + +Late that evening they reached a city which the home-coming chieftain in +an outburst of Celtic fervor dubbed "mine own bonny Edinburg!" and there +they repaired for the night to a hotel. Once more the Baron (we may +still style him so since the peerage of Tulliwuddle was of that standing +also) showed a certain diffidence when it came to answering to his new +title in public; but in the seclusion of their private sitting-room he +was careful to assure his friend that this did not arise from any lack +of nerve or qualms zof conscience, but merely through a species of +headache--the result of railway travelling. + +"Do not fear for me," he declared as he stirred the sugar in his glass, +"I have ze heart of a lion." + +The liquid he was sipping being nothing less potent than a brew of +whisky punch, which he had ordered (or rather requested Bunker to order) +as the most romantically national compound he could think of, produced, +indeed, a fervor of foolhardiness. He insisted upon opening the door +wide, and getting Bunker to address him as "Tollyvoddle," in a strident +voice, "so zat zey all may hear," and then answering in a firm "Yes, +Count Bonker, vat vould you say to me?" + +It is true that he instantly closed the door again, and even bolted it, +but his display seemed to make a vast impression upon himself. + +"Many men vould not dare so to go mit anozzer name," he announced; "bot +I have my nerves onder a good gontrol." + +"You astonish me," said the Count. + +"I do even surprise myself," admitted the Baron. + +In truth the ordeal of carelessly carrying off an alias is said by those +who have undergone it (and the report is confirmed by an experienced +class of public officials) to require a species of hardihood which, +fortunately for society, is somewhat rare. The most daring Smith will +sometimes stammer when it comes to merely answering "Yes" to a cry of +"Brown!" and Count Bunker, whose knowledge of human nature was profound +and remarkably accurate, was careful to fortify his friend by example +and praise, till by the time they went to bed the Baron could scarcely +be withheld from seeking out the manager and airing his assurance upon +him. Or, at least, he declared he would have done this had he been sure +that the manager was not already in bed himself. + +Unfortunately at this juncture the Count committed one of those +indiscretions to which a gay spirit is always prone, but which, to do +him justice, seldom sullied his own record as a successful adventurer. +At an hour considerably past midnight, hearing an excited summons from +the Baron's bedroom, he laid down his toothbrush and hastened across the +passage, to find the new peer in a crimson dressing-gown of quilted silk +gazing enthusiastically at a lithograph that hung upon the wall. + +"See!" he cried gleefully, "here is my own ancestor. Bonker, I feel I am +Tollyvoddle indeed." + +The print which had inspired this enthusiasm depicted a historical but +treasonable Lord Tulliwuddle preparing to have his head removed. + +Giving it a droll look, the Count observed-- + +"Well, if it inspires you, my dear Baron, that's all right. The omen +would have struck me differently." + +"Ze omen!" murmured the Baron with a start. + +It required all Bunker's tact to revive his ally's damped enthusiasm, +and even at breakfast next morning he referred in a gloomy voice to +various premonitions recorded in the history of his family, and the +horrible consequences of disregarding them. + +But by the time they had started upon their journey north, his spirits +rose a trifle; and when at length all lowland landscapes were left +far behind them, and they had come into a province of peat streams and +granite pinnacles, with the gloom of pines and the freshness of the +birch blended like a May and December marriage, all appearance, at +least, of disquietude had passed away. + +Yet the Count kept an anxious eye upon him. He was becoming decidedly +restless. At one moment he would rave about the glorious scenery; the +next, plunge into a brown study of the Tulliwuddle rent-roll; and then +in an instant start humming an air and smoking so fast that both their +cases were empty while they were yet half an hour from Torrydhulish +Station. Now the Baron took to biting his nails, looking at his watch, +and answering questions at random--a very different spectacle from the +enthusiastic traveller of yesterday. + +"Only ten minutes more," observed Bunker in his most cheering manner. + +The Baron made no reply. + +They were now running along the brink of a glimmering loch, the piled +mountains on the farther shore perfectly mirrored; a tern or two lazily +fishing; a delicate summer sky smiling above. All at once Count Bunker +started-- + +"That must be Hechnahoul!" said he. + +The Baron looked and beheld, upon an eminence across the loch, the +towers and turrets of an imposing mansion overtopping a green grove. + +"And here is the station," added the Count. + +The Baron's face assumed a piteous expression. + +"Bonker," he stammered, "I--I am afraid! You be ze Tollyvoddle--I cannot +do him!" + +"My dear Baron!" + +"Oh, I cannot!" + +"Be brave--for the honor of the fatherland. Play the bold Blitzenberg!" + +"Ach, ja; but not bold Tollyvoddle. Zat picture--you vere right--it vas +omen!" + +Never did the genius of Bunker rise more audaciously to an occasion. + +"My dear Baron," said he, assuming on the instant a confidence-inspiring +smile, "that print was a hoax; it wasn't old Tulliwuddle at all. I faked +it myself." + +"So?" gasped the Baron. "You assure me truly?" + +Muttering (the historian sincerely hopes) a petition for forgiveness, +Bunker firmly answered-- + +"I do assure you!" + +The train had stopped, and as they were the only first-class passengers +on board, a peculiarly magnificent footman already had his hand upon the +door. Before turning the handle, he touched his hat. + +"Lord Tulliwuddle?" he respectfully inquired. + +"Ja--zat is, yes, I am," replied the Baron. + + + +CHAPTER VIII + +From the platform down to the pier was only some fifty yards, and before +them the travellers perceived an exceedingly smart steam-launch, and +a stout middle-aged gentleman, in a blue serge suit and yachting cap, +advancing from it to greet them. They had only time to observe that +he had a sanguine complexion, iron-gray whiskers, and a wide-open eye, +before he raised the cap and, in a decidedly North British accent, thus +addressed them-- + +"My lord--ahem!--your lordship, I should say--I presume I've the +pleasure of seeing Lord Tulliwuddle?" + +The Count gently pushed his more distinguished friend in front. With +an embarrassment equal to their host's, his lordship bowed and gave his +hand. + +"I am ze Tollyvoddle--vary pleased--Mistair Gosh, I soppose?" + +"Gallosh, my lord. Very honored to welcome you." + +In the round eyes of Mr. Gallosh, Count Bunker perceived an unmistakable +stare of astonishment at the sound of his lordship's accented voice. +The Baron, on his part, was evidently still suffering from his attack of +stage fright; but again the Count's gifts smoothed the creases from the +situation. + +"You have not introduced me to our host, Tulliwuddle," he said, with a +gay, infectious confidence. + +"Ah, so! Zis is my friend Count Bunker--gom all ze vay from Austria," +responded the Baron, with no glimmer of his customary aplomb. + +Making a mental resolution to warn his ally never to say one word more +about his fictitious past than was wrung by cross-examination, the +distinguished-looking Austrian shook his host's hand warmly. + +"From Austria via London," he explained in his pleasantest manner. "I +object altogether to be considered a foreigner, Mr. Gallosh; and, in +fact, I often tell Tulliwuddle that people will think me more English +than himself. The German fashions so much in vogue at Court are +transforming the very speech of your nobility. Don't you sometimes +notice it?" + +Thus directly appealed to, Mr. Gallosh became manifestly perplexed. + +"Yes--yes, you're right in a way," he pronounced cautiously. "I suppose +they do that. But will ye not take a seat? This is my launch. Hi! +Robert, give his lordship a hand on board!" + +Two mariners and a second tall footman assisted the guests to embark, +and presently they were cutting the waters of the loch at a merry pace. + +In the prow, like youth, the Baron insisted upon sitting with folded +arms and a gloomy aspect; and as his nerve was so patently disturbed, +the Count decidedly approved of an arrangement which left his host and +himself alone together in the stern. In his present state of mind the +Baron was capable of any indiscretion were he compelled to talk; while, +silent and brooding in isolated majesty, he looked to perfection the +part of returning exile. So, evidently, thought Mr. Gallosh. + +"His lordship is looking verra well," he confided to the Count in a +respectfully lowered voice. + +"The improvement has been remarkable ever since his foot touched his +native heath." + +"You don't say so," said Mr. Gallosh, with even greater interest. "Was +he delicate before?" + +"A London life, Mr. Gallosh." + +"True--true, he'll have been busy seeing his friends; it'll have been +verra wearing." + +"The anxiety, the business of being invested, and so on, has upset him +a trifle. You must put down any little--well, peculiarity to that, Mr. +Gallosh." + +"I understand--aye, umh'm, quite so. He'll like to be left to himself, +perhaps?" + +"That depends on his condition," said the Count diplomatically. + +"It's a great responsibility for a young man; yon's a big property to +look after," observed Mr. Gallosh in a moment. + +"You have touched the spot!" said the Count warmly. "That is, in +fact, the chief cause of Tulliwuddle's curious moodiness ever since +he succeeded to the title. He feels his responsibilities a little too +acutely." + +Again Mr. Gallosh ruminated, while his guest from the corner of his eye +surveyed him shrewdly. + +"My forecast was wonderfully accurate," he said to himself. + +The silence was first broken by Mr. Gallosh. As if thinking aloud, he +remarked-- + +"I was awful surprised to hear him speak! It's the Court fashion, you +say?" + +"Partly that; partly a prolonged residence on the Continent in his +youth. He acquired his accent then; he has retained it for fashion's +sake," explained the Count, who thought it as well to bolster up the +weakest part of his case a little more securely. + +With this prudent purpose, he added, with a flattering air of taking his +host into his aristocratic confidence-- + +"You will perhaps be good enough to explain this to the friends and +dependants Lord Tulliwuddle is about to meet? A breath of unsympathetic +criticism would grieve him greatly if it came to his ears." + +"Quite, quite," said Mr. Gallosh eagerly. "I'll make it all right. I +understand the sentiment pairfectly. It's verra natural--verra natural +indeed." + +At that moment the Baron started from his reverie with an affrighted +air. + +"Vat is zat strange sound!" he exclaimed. + +The others listened. + +"That's just the pipes, my lord," said Mr. Gallosh. "They're tuning up +to welcome you." + +His lordship stared at the shore ahead of them. + +"Zere are many peoples on ze coast!" he cried. "Vat makes it for?" + +"They've come to receive you," his host explained. "It's just a little +spontaneous demonstration, my lord." + +His lordship's composure in no way increased. + +"It was Mrs. Gallosh organized a wee bit entertainment on his lordship's +landing," their host explained confidentially to the Count. "It's just +informal, ye understand. She's been instructing some of the tenants--and +ma own girls will be there--but, oh, it's nothing to speak of. If he +says a few words in reply, that'll be all they'll be expecting." + +The strains of "Tulliwuddle wha hae" grew ever louder and, to an +untrained ear, more terrific. In a moment they were mingled with a +clapping of hands and a Highland cheer, the launch glided alongside the +pier, and, supported on his faithful friend's arm, the panic-stricken +Tulliwuddle staggered ashore. Before his dazed eyes there seemed to be +arrayed the vastest and most barbaric concourse his worst nightmare had +ever imagined. Six pipers played within ten paces of him, each of them +arrayed in the full panoply of the clan; at least a dozen dogs yelped +their exultation; and from the surrounding throng two ancient men +in tartan and four visions in snowy white stepped forth to greet the +distinguished visitors. + +The first hitch in the proceedings occurred at this point. According to +the unofficial but carefully considered programme, the pipers ought to +have ceased their melody; but, whether inspired by ecstatic loyalty or +because the Tulliwuddle pibroch took longer to perform than had been +anticipated, they continued to skirl with such vigor that expostulations +passed entirely unheard. Under the circumstances there was nothing for +it but shouting, and in a stentorian yell Mr. Gallosh introduced his +wife and three fair daughters. + +Thereupon Mrs. Gallosh, a broad-beamed matron whose complexion +contrasted pleasantly with her costume, delivered the following +oration-- + +"Lord Tulliwuddle, in the name of the women of Hechnahoul--I may say in +the name of the women of all the Highlands--oor ain Heelands, my lord" +(this with the most insinuating smile)--"I bid you welcome to your +ancestral estates. Remembering the conquests your ancestors used to +make both in war and in a gentler sphere" (Mrs. Gallosh looked archness +itself), "we ladies, I suppose, should regard your home-coming with some +misgivings; but, my lord, every bonny Prince Charlie has his bonny Flora +Macdonald, and in this land of mountain, mist, and flood, where 'Dark +Ben More frowns o'er the wave,' and where 'Ilka lassie has her laddie,' +you will find a thousand romantic maidens ready to welcome you as Ellen +welcomed Fitz-James! For centuries your heroic race has adorned the +halls and trod the heather of Hechnahoul, and for centuries more we hope +to see the offspring of your lordship and some winsome Celtic maid rule +these cataracts and glens!" + +At this point the exertion of shouting down six bagpipes in active +eruption caused a temporary cessation of the lady's eloquence, and the +pause was filled by the cheers of the crowd led by the "Hip-hip-hip!" +of Count Bunker, and by the broken and fortunately inaudible protests of +the embarrassed father of future Tulliwuddles. In a moment Mrs. Gallosh +had resumed-- + +"Lord Tulliwuddle, though I myself am only a stranger to your clan, your +Highland heart will feel reassured when I mention that I belong through +my grandmother to the kindred clan of the Mackays!" ("Hear, hear!" from +two or three ladies and gentlemen, evidently guests of the Gallosh.) "We +are but visitors at Hechnahoul, yet we assure you that no more devoted +hearts beat in all Caledonia! Lord Tulliwuddle, we welcome you!" + +"Put your hand on your heart and bow," whispered Bunker. "Keep on bowing +and say nothing!" + +Mechanically the bewildered Baron obeyed, and for a few moments +presented a spectacle not unlike royalty in procession. + +But as some reply from him had evidently been expected at this point, +and the pipers had even ceased playing lest any word of their chief's +should be lost, a pause ensued which might have grown embarrassing had +not the Count promptly stepped forward. + +"I think," he said, indicating two other snow-white figures who held +gigantic bouquets, "that a pleasant part of the ceremony still remains +before us." + +With a grateful glance at this discerning guest, Mrs. Gallosh thereupon +led forward her two youngest daughters (aged fifteen and thirteen), who, +with an air so delightfully coy that it fell like a ray of sunshine +on the poor Baron's heart, presented him with their flowery symbols of +Hechnahoul's obeisance to its lord. + +His consternation returned with the advance of the two ancient +clansmen who, after a guttural panegyric in Gaelic, offered him further +symbols--a claymore and target, very formidable to behold. All these +gifts having been adroitly transferred to the arms of the footmen by the +ubiquitous Count, the Baron's emotions swiftly passed through another +phase when the eldest Miss Gallosh, aged twenty, with burning eyes +and the most distracting tresses, dropped him a sweeping courtesy and +offered a final contribution--a fiery cross, carved and painted by her +own fair hands. + +A fresh round of applause followed this, and then a sudden silence fell +upon the assembly. All eyes were turned upon the chieftain: not even a +dog barked: it was the moment of a lifetime. + +"Can you manage a speech, old man?" whispered Bunker. + +"Ach, no, no, no! Let me escape. Oh, let me fly!" + +"Bury your face in your hands and lean on my shoulder," prompted the +Count. + +This stage direction being obeyed, the most effective tableau +conceivable was presented, and the climax was reached when the Count, +after a brief dumb-show intended to indicate how vain were Lord +Tulliwuddle's efforts to master his emotion, spoke these words in the +most thrilling accents he could muster: + +"Fair ladies and brave men of Hechnahoul! Your chief, your friend, +your father requests me to express to you the sentiments which his +over-wrought emotions prevent him from uttering himself. On his behalf I +tender to his kind and courteous friends, Mr., Mrs., and the fair maids +Gallosh, the thanks of a long-absent exile returned to his native land +for the welcome they have given him! To his devoted clan he not only +gives his thanks, but his promise that all rents shall be reduced by one +half--so long as he dwells among them!" (Tumultuous applause, disturbed +only by a violent ejaculation from a large man in knickerbockers whom +Bunker justly judged to be the factor.) + +"With his last breath he shall perpetually thunder: +Ahasheen--comara--mohr!" + +The Tulliwuddle slogan, pronounced with the most conscientious accuracy +of which a Sassenach was capable, proved as effective a curtain as he +had anticipated; and amid a perfect babel of cheering and bagpiping the +chieftain was led to his host's carriage. + + + +CHAPTER IX + +"Well, the worst of it is over," said Bunker cheerfully. + +The Baron groaned. "Ze vorst is only jost beginning to gommence." + +They were sitting over a crackling fire of logs in the sitting-room of +the suite which their host had reserved for his honored visitors. How +many heirlooms and dusky portraits the romantic thoughtfulness of the +ladies had managed to crowd into this apartment for the occasion were +hard to compute; enough, certainly, one would think, to inspire the most +sluggish-blooded Tulliwuddle with a martial exultation. Instead, the +chieftain groaned again. + +"Tell zem I am ill. I cannot gom to dinner. To-morrow I shall take +ze train back to London. Himmel! Vy vas I fool enof to act soch +dishonorable lies! I deceive all these kind peoples!" + +"It isn't that which worries me," said Bunker imperturbably. "I am only +afraid that if you display this spirit you won't deceive them." + +"I do not vish to," said the Baron sulkily. + +It required half an hour of the Count's most artful blandishments to +persuade him that duty, honor, and prudence all summoned him to the +feast. This being accomplished, he next endeavored to convince him that +he would feel more comfortable in the airy freedom of the Tulliwuddle +tartan. But here the Baron was obdurate. Now that the kilt lay ready to +his hand he could not be persuaded even to look at it. In gloomy silence +he donned his conventional evening dress and announced, last thing +before they left their room-- + +"Bonker, say no more! To-morrow morning I depart!" + +Their hostess had explained that a merely informal dinner awaited them, +since his lordship (she observed) would no doubt prefer a quiet evening +after his long journey. But Mrs. Gallosh was one of those good ladies +who are fond of asking their friends to take "pot luck," and then +providing them with fourteen courses; or suggesting a "quiet little +evening together," when they have previously removed the drawing-room +carpet. It is an affectation of modesty apt to disconcert the retiring +guest who takes them at their word. In the drawing-room of Mrs. Gallosh +the startled Baron found assembled--firstly, the Gallosh family, +consisting of all those whose acquaintance we have already made, and in +addition two stalwart school-boy sons; secondly, their house-party, who +comprised a Mr. and Mrs. Rentoul, from the same metropolis of commerce +as Mr. Gallosh, and a hatchet-faced young man with glasses, answering to +the name of Mr. Cromarty-Gow; and, finally, one or two neighbors. These +last included Mr. M'Fadyen, the large factor; the Established Church, +U.F., Wee Free, Episcopalian, and Original Secession ministers, all of +whom, together with their kirks, flourished within a four-mile radius of +the Castle; the wives to three of the above; three young men and their +tutor, being some portion of a reading-party in the village; and Mrs. +Cameron-Campbell and her five daughters, from a neighboring dower-house +upon the loch. + +It was fortunate that all these people were prepared to be impressed +with Lord Tulliwuddle, whatever he should say or do; and further, that +the unique position of such a famous hereditary magnate even led them +to anticipate some marked deviation from the ordinary canons of conduct. +Otherwise, the gloomy brows; the stare, apparently haughty, in reality +alarmed; the strange accent and the brief responses of the chief guest, +might have caused an unfavorable opinion of his character. + +As it was, his aloofness, however natural, would probably have proved +depressing had it not been for the gay charm and agreeable condescension +of the other nobleman. Seldom had more rested upon that adventurer's +shoulders, and never had he acquitted himself with greater credit. It +was with considerable secret concern that he found himself placed at +the opposite end of the table from his friend, but his tongue rattled as +gaily and his smiles came as readily as ever. With Mrs. Cameron-Campbell +on one side, and a minister's lady upon the other, his host two places +distant, and a considerable audience of silent eaters within earshot, +he successfully managed to divert the attention of quite half the table +from the chieftain's moody humor. + +"I always feel at home with a Scotsman," he discoursed genially. +"His imagination is so quick, his intellect so clear, his honesty so +remarkable, and" (with an irresistible glance at the minister's lady) +"his wife so charming." + +"Ha, ha!" laughed Mr. Gallosh, who was mellowing rapidly under the +influence of his own champagne. "I'm verra glad to see you know good +folks when you meet them. What do you think now of the English?" + +Having previously assured himself that his audience was neat Scotch, the +polished Austrian unblushingly replied-- + +"The Englishman, I have observed, has a slightly slower imagination, a +denser intelligence, and is less conspicuous for perfect honesty. His +womankind also have less of that nameless grace and ethereal beauty +which distinguish their Scottish sisters." + +It is needless to say that a more popular visitor never was seen than +this discriminating foreigner, and if his ambitions had not risen above +a merely personal triumph, he would have been in the highest state of +satisfaction. But with a disinterested eye he every now and then +sought the farther end of the table, where, between his hostess and her +charming eldest daughter, and facing his factor, the Baron had to endure +his ordeal unsupported. + +"I wonder how the devil he's getting on!" he more than once said to +himself. + +For better or for worse, as the dinner advanced, he began to hear the +Court accent more frequently, till his curiosity became extreme. + +"His lordship seems in better spirits," remarked Mr. Gallosh. + +"I hope to Heaven he may be!" was the fervent thought of Count Bunker. + +At that moment the point was settled. With his old roar of exuberant +gusto the Baron announced, in a voice that drowned even the five +ministers-- + +"Ach, yes, I vill toss ze caber to-morrow! I vill toss him--so high!" +(his napkin flapped upwards). "How long shall he be? So tall as my +castle: Mees Gallosh, you shall help me? Ach, yes! Mit hands so fair ze +caber vill spring like zis!" + +His pudding-spoon, in vivid illustration, skipped across the table and +struck his factor smartly on the shirt-front. + +"Sare, I beg your pardon," he beamed with a graciousness that charmed +Mrs. Gallosh even more than his spirited conversation--"Ach, do not +return it, please! It is from my castle silver--keep it in memory of zis +happy night!" + +The royal generosity of this act almost reconciled Mrs. Gallosh to the +loss of one of her own silver spoons. + +"Saved!" sighed Bunker, draining his glass with a relish he had not felt +in any item of the feast hitherto. + +Now that the Baron's courage had returned, no heraldic lion ever pranced +more bravely. His laughter, his jests, his compliments were showered +upon the delighted diners. Mr. Gallosh and he drank healths down the +whole length of the table "mit no tap-heels!" at least four times. +He peeled an orange for Miss Gallosh, and cut the skin into the most +diverting figures, pressing her hand tenderly as he presented her +with these works of art. He inquired of Mrs. Gallosh the names of the +clergymen, and, shouting something distantly resembling these, toasted +them each and all with what he conceived to be appropriate comments. +Finally he rose to his feet, and, to the surprise and delight of all, +delivered the speech they had been disappointed of earlier in the day. + +"Goot Mr. Gallosh, fair Mrs. Gallosh, divine Mees Gallosh, and all +ze ladies and gentlemans, how sorry I vas I could not make my speech +before, I cannot eggspress. I had a headache, and vas not vell vithin. +Ach, soch zings vill happen in a new climate. Bot now I am inspired to +tell you I loff you all! I zank you eggstremely! How can I return +zis hospitality? I vill tell you! You must all go to Bavaria and stay +mit----" + +"Tulliwuddle! Tulliwuddle!" shouted Bunker frantically, to the great +amazement of the company. "Allow me to invite the company myself to stay +with me in Bavaria!" + +The Baron turned crimson, as he realized the abyss of error into which +he had so nearly plunged. Adroitly the Count covered his confusion with +a fit of laughter so ingeniously hearty that in a moment he had joined +in it too. + +"Ha, ha, ha!" he shouted. "Zat was a leetle joke at my friend's +eggspense. It is here, in my castle, you shall visit me; some day very +soon I shall live in him. Meanvile, dear Mrs. Gallosh, gonsider it your +home! For me you make it heaven, and I cannot ask more zan zat! Now let +us gom and have some fon!" + +A salvo of applause greeted this conclusion. At the Baron's impetuous +request the cigars were brought into the hall, and ladies and gentlemen +all trooped out together. + +"I cannot vait till I have seen Miss Gallosh dance ze Highland reel," he +explained to her gratified mother; "she has promised me." + +"But you must dance too, Lord Tulliwuddle," said ravishing Miss Gallosh. +"You know you said you would." + +"A promise to a lady is a law," replied the Baron gallantly, adding in a +lower tone, "especially to so fair a lady!" + +"It's a pity his lordship hadn't on his kilt," put in Mr. Gallosh +genially. + +"By ze Gad, I vill put him on! Hoch! Ve vill have some fon!" + +The Baron rushed from the hall, followed in a moment by his noble +friend. Bunker found him already wrapping many yards of tartan about his +waist. + +"But, my dear fellow, you must take off your trousers," he expostulated. + +Despite his glee, the Baron answered with something of the Blitzenberg +dignity-- + +"Ze bare leg I cannot show to-night--not to dance mit ze young ladies. +Ven I have practised, perhaps; but not now, Bonker." + +Accordingly the portraits of four centuries of Tulliwuddles beheld +their representative appear in the very castle of Hechnahoul with his +trouser-legs capering beneath an ill-hung petticoat of tartan. And, to +make matters worse in their canvas eyes, his own shameless laugh rang +loudest in the mirth that greeted his entrance. + +"Ze garb of Gaul!" he announced, shaking with hilarity. "Gom, Bonker, +dance mit me ze Highland fling!" + +The first night of Lord Tulliwuddle's visit to his ancestral halls is +still remembered among his native hills. The Count also, his mind now +rapturously at ease, performed prodigies. They danced together what they +were pleased to call the latest thing in London, sang a duet, waltzed +with the younger ladies, till hardly a head was left unturned, and, +in short, sent away the ministers and their ladies, the five Miss +Cameron-Campbells, the reading-party, and particularly the factor, with +a new conception of a Highland chief. As for the house-party, they felt +that they were fortunate beyond the lot of most ordinary mortals. + + + +CHAPTER X + +The Baron sat among his heirlooms, laboriously disengaging himself from +his kilt. Fitfully throughout this process he would warble snatches of +an air which Miss Gallosh had sung. + +"Whae vould not dee for Sharlie?" he trolled, "Ze yong chevalier!" + +"Then you don't think of leaving to-morrow morning?" asked Count Bunker, +who was watching him with a complacent air. + +"Mein Gott, no fears!" + +"We had better wait, perhaps, till the afternoon?" + +"I go not for tree veeks! Gaben sie--das ist, gim'me zat tombler. Vun +more of mountain juice to ze health of all Galloshes! Partic'ly of vun! +Eh, old Bonker?" + +The Count took care to see that the mountain juice was well diluted. +His friend had already found Scottish hospitality difficult to enjoy in +moderation. + +"Baron, you gave us a marvellously lifelike representation of a Jacobite +chieftain!" + +The Baron laughed a trifle vacantly. + +"Ach, it is easy for me. Himmel, a Blitzenberg should know how! +Vollytoddle--Toddyvolly--whatsh my name, Bonker?" + +The Count informed him. + +"Tollivoddlesh is nozing to vat I am at home! Abs'lutely nozing! I have +a house twice as big as zis, and servants--Ach, so many I know not! Bot, +mein Bonker, it is not soch fon as zis! Mein Gott, I most get to bed. I +toss ze caber to-morrow." + +And upon the arm of his faithful ally he moved cautiously towards his +bedroom. + +But if he had enjoyed his evening well, his pleasure was nothing to the +gratification of his hosts. They could not bring themselves to break up +their party for the night: there were so many delightful reminiscences +to discuss. + +"Of all the evenings ever I spent," declared Mr. Gallosh, "this fair +takes the cake. Just to think of that aristocratic young fellow being +as companionable-like! When first I put eyes on him, I said to +myself--'You're not for the likes of us. All lords and ladies is your +kind. Never a word did he say in the boat till he heard the pipes play, +and then I really thought he was frightened! It must just have been a +kind of home-sickness or something." + +"It'll have been the tuning up that set his teeth on edge," Mrs. Gallosh +suggested practically. + +"Or perhaps his heart was stirred with thoughts of the past!" said Miss +Gallosh, her eyes brightening. + +In any case, all were agreed that the development of his hereditary +instincts had been extraordinarily rapid. + +"I never really properly talked with a lord before," sighed Mrs. +Rentoul; "I hope they're all like this one." + +Mrs. Gallosh, on the other hand, who boasted of having had one +tete-a-tete and joined in several general conversations with the +peerage, appraised Lord Tulliwuddle with greater discrimination. + +"Ah, he's got a soupcon!" she declared. "That's what I admire!" + +"Do you mean his German accent?" asked Mr. Cromarty-Gow, who was +renowned for a cynical wit, and had been seeking an occasion to air it +ever since Lord Tulliwuddle had made Miss Gallosh promise to dance a +reel with him. + +But the feeling of the party was so strongly against a breath of +irreverent criticism, and their protest so emphatic, that he presently +strolled off to the smoking-room, wishing that Miss Gallosh, at least, +would exercise more critical discrimination. + +"Do you think would they like breakfast in their own room, Duncan?" +asked Mrs. Gallosh. + +"Offer it them--offer it them; they can but refuse, and it's a kind of +compliment to give them the opportunity." + +"His lordship will not be wanting to rise early," said Mr. Rentoul. "Did +you notice what an amount he could drink, Duncan? Man, and he carried it +fine! But he'll be the better of a sleep-in in the morning, him coming +from a journey too." + +Mr. Rentoul was a recognized authority on such questions, having, before +the days of his affluence, travelled for a notable firm of distillers. +His praise of Lord Tulliwuddle's capacity was loudly echoed by Mr. +Gallosh, and even the ladies could not but indulgently agree that he had +exhibited a strength of head worthy of his race. + +"And yet he was a wee thing touched too," said Mr. Rentoul sagely. +"Maybe you were too far gone yourself, Duncan, to notice it, and the +ladies would just think it was gallantry; but I saw it in his voice and +his legs--oh, just a wee thingie, nothing to speak of." + +"Surely you are mistaken!" cried Miss Gallosh. "Wasn't it only +excitement at finding himself at Hechnahoul?" + +"There's two kinds of excitement," answered the oracle. "And this was +the kind I'm best acquaint with. Oh, but it was just a wee bittie." + +"And who thinks the worse of him for it?" cried Mr. Gallosh. + +This question was answered by general acclamation in a manner and with a +spirit that proved how deeply his lordship's gracious behavior had laid +hold of all hearts. + + + +CHAPTER XI + +Breakfast in the private parlor was laid for two; but it was only Count +Bunker, arrayed in a becoming suit of knickerbockers, and looking as +fresh as if he had feasted last night on aerated water, who sat down to +consume it. + +"Who would be his ordinary everyday self when there are fifty more +amusing parts to play," he reflected gaily, as he sipped his coffee. +"Blitzenberg and Essington were two conventional members of society, +ageing ingloriously, tamely approaching five-and-thirty in bath-chairs. +Tulliwuddle and Bunker are paladins of romance! We thought we had grown +up--thank Heaven, we were deceived!" + +Having breakfasted and lit a cigarette, he essayed for the second +time to arouse the Baron; but getting nothing but the most somnolent +responses, he set out for a stroll, visiting the gardens, stables, +kennels, and keeper's house, and even inspecting a likely pool or +two upon the river, and making in the course of it several useful +acquaintances among the Tulliwuddle retainers. + +When he returned he found the Baron stirring a cup of strong tea and +staring at an ancestral portrait with a thoughtful frown. + +"They are preparing the caber, Baron," he remarked genially. + +"Stoff and nonsense; I vill not fling her!" was the wholly unexpected +reply. "I do not love to play ze fool alvays!" + +"My dear Baron!" + +"Zat picture," said the Baron, nodding his head solemnly towards the +portrait. "It is like ze Lord Tollyvoddle in ze print at ze hotel. I do +believe he is ze same." + +"But I explained that he wasn't Tulliwuddle." + +"He is so like," repeated the Baron moodily. "He most be ze same." + +Bunker looked at it and shook his head. + +"A different man, I assure you." + +"Oh, ze devil!" replied the Baron. + +"What's the matter?" + +"I haff a head zat tvists and turns like my head never did since many +years." + +The Count had already surmised as much. + +"Hang it out of the window," he suggested. + +The Baron made no reply for some minutes. Then with an earnest air he +began-- + +"Bonker, I have somezing to say to you." + +"You have the most sympathetic audience outside the clan." + +The Count's cheerful tone did not seem to please his friend. + +"Your heart, he is too light, Bonker; ja, too light. Last night you did +engourage me not to be seemly." + +"I!" + +"I did get almost dronk. If my head vas not so hard I should be dronk. +Das ist not right. If I am to be ze Tollyvoddle, it most be as I vould +be Von Blitzenberg. I most not forget zat I am not as ozzer men. I am +noble, and most be so accordingly." + +"What steps do you propose to take?" inquired Bunker with perfect +gravity. + +The Baron stared at the picture. + +"Last night I had a dream. It vas zat man--at least, probably it vas, +for I cannot remember eggsactly. He did pursue me mit a kilt." + +"With what did you defend yourself?" + +"I know not: I jost remember zat it should be a warning. Ve Blitzenbergs +have ze gift to dream." + +The Baron rose from the table and lit a cigar. After three puffs he +threw it from him. + +"I cannot smoke," he said dismally. "It has a onpleasant taste." + +The Count assumed a seriously thoughtful air. + +"No doubt you will wish to see Miss Maddison as soon as possible and get +it over," he began. "I have just learned that their place is about seven +miles away. We could borrow a trap this afternoon----" + +"Nein, nein!" interrupted the Baron. "Donnerwetter! Ach, no, it most not +be so soon. I most practise a leetle first. Not so immediately, Bonker." + +Bunker looked at him with a glance of unfathomable calm. + +"I find that it will be necessary for you to observe one or two ancient +ceremonies, associated from time immemorial with the accession of a +Tulliwuddle. You are prepared for the ordeal?" + +"I most do my duty, Bonker." + +"This suggests some more inspiring vision than the gentleman in the gold +frame," thought the Count acutely. + +Aloud he remarked + +"You have high ideals, Baron." + +"I hope so." + +Again the Baron was the unconscious object of a humorous, perspicacious +scrutiny. + +"Last night I did hear zat moch was to be expected from me," he observed +at length. + +"From Mrs. Gallosh?" + +"I do not zink it vas from Mrs. Gallosh." + +Count Bunker smiled. + +"You inflamed all hearts last night," said he. + +The Baron looked grave. + +"I did drink too moch last night. But I did not say vat I should not, +eh? I vas not rude or gross to--Mistair Gallosh?" + +"Not to Mr. Gallosh." + +The Baron looked a trifle perturbed at the gravity of his tone. + +"I vas not too free, too undignified in presence of zat innocent and +charming lady--Miss Gallosh?" + +The air of scrutiny passed from Count Bunker's face, and a droll smile +came instead. + +"Baron, I understand your ideals and I appreciate your motives. As you +suggest, you had better rehearse your part quietly for a few days. Miss +Maddison will find you the more perfect suitor." + +The Baron looked as though he knew not whether to feel satisfied or not. + +"By the way," said the Count in a moment, "have you written to the +Baroness yet? Pardon me for reminding you, but you must remember that +your letters will have to go out to Russia and back." + +The Baron started. + +"Teufel!" he exclaimed. "I most indeed write." + +"The post goes at twelve." + +The Baron reflected gloomily, and then slowly moved to the writing-table +and toyed with his pen. A few minutes passed, and then in a fretful +voice he asked-- + +"Vat shall I say?" + +"Tell her about your journey across Europe--how the crops look in +Russia--what you think of St. Petersburg--that sort of thing." + +A silent quarter of an hour went by, and then the Baron burst out + +"Ach, I cannot write to-day! I cannot invent like you. Ze crops--I have +got zat--and zat I arrived safe--and zat Petersburg is nice. Vat else?" + +"Anything you can remember from text-books on Muscovy or illustrated +interviews with the Czar. Just a word or two, don't you know, to show +you've been there; with a few comments of your own." + +"Vat like comments?" + +"Such as--'Somewhat annoyed with bombs this afternoon,' or 'This caused +me to reflect upon the disadvantages of an alcoholic marine'--any little +bit of philosophy that occurs to you." + +The Baron pondered. + +"It is a pity zat I have not been in Rossia," he observed. + +"On the other hand, it is a blessing your wife hasn't. Look at the +bright side of things, my dear fellow." + +For a short time, from the way in which the Baron took hasty notes in +pencil and elaborated them in ink (according to the system of Professor +Virchausen), it appeared that he was following his friend's directions. +Later, from a sentimental look in his eye, the Count surmised that he +was composing an amorous addendum; and at last he laid down his pen with +a sigh which the cynical (but only the cynical) might have attributed to +relief. + +"Ha, my head he is getting more clear!" he announced. "Gom, let us +present ourselves to ze ladies, mine Bonker!" + + + +CHAPTER XII + +"It is necessary, Bonker--you are sure?" + +"No Tulliwuddle has ever omitted the ceremony. If you shirked, I am +assured on the very best authority that it would excite the gravest +suspicions of your authenticity." + +Count Bunker spoke with an air of the most resolute conviction. Ever +since they arrived he had taken infinite pains to discover precisely +what was expected of the chieftain, and having by great good luck made +the acquaintance of an elderly individual who claimed to be the piper +of the clan, and who proved a perfect granary of legends, he was able to +supply complete information on every point of importance. Once the Baron +had endeavored to corroborate these particulars by interviewing the +piper himself, but they had found so much difficulty in understanding +one another's dialects that he had been content to trust implicitly to +his friend's information. The Count, indeed, had rather avoided than +sought advice on the subject, and the piper, after several confidential +conversations and the passage of a sum of silver into his sporran, +displayed an equally Delphic tendency. + +The Baron, therefore, argued the present point no longer. + +"It is jost a mere ceremony," he said. "Ach, vell, nozing vill happen. +Zis ghost--vat is his name?" + +"It is known as the Wraith of the Tulliwuddles. The heir must interview +it within a week of coming to the Castle." + +"Vere most I see him?" + +"In the armory, at midnight. You bring one friend, one candle, and wear +a bonnet with one eagle's feather in it. You enter at eleven and +wait for an hour--and, by the way, neither of you must speak above a +whisper." + +"Pooh! Jost hombog!" said the Baron valiantly. "I do not fear soch +trash." + +"When the Wraith appears----" + +"My goot Bonker, he vill not gom!" + +"Supposing he does come--and mind you, strange things happen in these +old buildings, particularly in the Highlands, and after dinner; if he +comes, Baron, you must ask him three questions." + +The Baron laughed scornfully. + +"If I see a ghost I vill ask him many interesting questions--if he does +feel cold, and sochlike, eh? Ha, ha!" + +With an imperturbable gravity that was not without its effect upon the +other, however gaily he might talk, Bunker continued, + +"The three questions are: first, 'What art thou?' second, 'Why comest +thou here, O spirit?' third, 'What instructions desirest thou to give +me?' Strictly speaking, they ought to be asked in Gaelic, but exceptions +have been made on former occasions, and Mac-Dui--who pipes, by the way, +in the anteroom--assures me that English will satisfy the Wraith in your +case." + +The Baron sniffed and laughed, and twirled up the ends of his mustaches +till they presented a particularly desperate appearance. Yet there was a +faint intonation of anxiety in his voice as he inquired-- + +"You vill gom as my friend, of course?" + +"I? Quite out of the question, I am sorry to say. To bring a foreigner +(as I am supposed to be) would rouse the clan to rebellion. No, Baron, +you have a chance of paying a graceful compliment to your host which you +must not lose. Ask Mr. Gallosh to share your vigil." + +"Gallosh--he vould not be moch good sopposing--Ach, but nozing vill +happen! I vill ask him." + +The pride of Mr. Gallosh on being selected as his lordship's friend on +this historic occasion was pleasant to witness. + +"It's just a bit of fiddle-de-dee," he informed his delighted family. +"Duncan Gallosh to be looking for bogles is pretty ridiculous--but oh, I +can't refuse to disoblige his lordship." + +"I should think not, when he's done you the honor to invite you out +of all his friends!" said Mrs. Gallosh warmly. "Eva! do you hear the +compliment that's been paid your papa?" + +Eva, their fair eldest daughter, came into the room at a run. She had +indeed heard (since the news was on every tongue), and impetuously she +flung her arms about her father's neck. + +"Oh, papa, do him credit!" she cried; "it's like a story come true! What +a romantic thing to happen!" + +"What a spirit!" her mother reflected proudly. "She is just the girl for +a chieftain's bride!" + +That very night was chosen for the ceremony, and eleven o'clock found +them all assembled breathless in the drawing-room: all, save Lord +Tulliwuddle and his host. + +"Will they have to wait for a whole hour?" asked Mrs. Gallosh in a low +voice. + +Indeed they all spoke in subdued accents. + +"I am told," replied the Count, "that the apparition never appears till +after midnight has struck. Any time between twelve and one he may be +expected." + +"Think of the terrible suspense after twelve has passed!" whispered Eva. + +The Count had thought of this. + +"I advised Duncan to take his flask," said Mr. Rentoul, with a solemn +wink. "So he'll not be so badly off." + +"Papa would never do such a thing to-night!" cried Eva. + +"It's always a kind of precaution," said the sage. + +Presently Count Bunker, who had been imparting the most terrific +particulars of former interviews with the Wraith to the younger +Galloshes, remarked that he must pass the time by overtaking some +pressing correspondence. + +"You will forgive me, I hope, for shutting myself up for an hour or so," +he said to his hostess. "I shall come back in time to learn the results +of the meeting." + +And with the loss of his encouraging company a greater uneasiness fell +upon the party. + +Meanwhile, in a vast cavern of darkness, lit only by the solitary +candle, the Baron and his host endeavored to maintain the sceptical +buoyancy with which they had set forth upon their adventure. But the +chilliness of the room (they had no fire, and it was a misty night with +a moaning wind), the inordinate quantity of odd-looking shadows, and +the profound silence, were immediately destructive to buoyancy and +ultimately trying to scepticism. + +"I wish ze piper vould play," whispered the Baron. + +"Mebbe he'll begin nearer the time," his companion suggested. + +The Baron shivered. For the first time he had been persuaded to wear the +full panoply of a Highland chief, and though he had exhibited himself +to the ladies with much pride, and even in the course of dinner had +promised Eva Gallosh that he would never again don anything less +romantic, he now began to think that a travelling-rug of the Tulliwuddle +tartan would prove a useful addition to the outfit on the occasion of +a midnight vigil. Also the stern prohibition against talking aloud +(corroborated by the piper with many guttural warnings) grew more and +more irksome as the night advanced. + +"It's an awesome place," whispered Mr. Gallosh. + +"I hardly thought it would have been as lonesome-like." + +There was a tremor in his voice that irritated the Baron. + +"Pooh!" he answered, "it is jost vun old piece of hombog! I do not +believe in soch things myself." + +"Neither do I, my lord; oh, neither do I; but--would you fancy a dram?" + +"Not for me, I zank you," said his lordship stiffly. + +Blessing the foresight of Mr. Rentoul, his host unscrewed his flask and +had a generous swig. As he was screwing on the top again, the Baron, in +a less haughty voice, whispered, + +"Perhaps jost vun leetle taste." + +They felt now for a few minutes more aggressively disposed. + +"Ve need not have ze curtain shut," said the Baron. "Soppose you do draw +him?" + +Through the gloom Mr. Gallosh took one or two faltering steps. + +"Man, it's awful hard to see one's way," he said nervously. + +The Baron took the candle, and with a martial stride escorted him to the +window. They pulled aside one corner of the heavy curtain, and then let +it fall again and hurried back. So far north there was indeed a gleam of +daylight left, but it was such a pale and ghostly ray, and the wreaths +of mist swept so eerily and silently across the pane, that candle-light +and shadows seemed vastly preferable. + +"How much more time will there be?" whispered Mr. Gallosh presently. + +"It is twenty-five minutes to twelve." + +"Your lordship! Can we leave at twelve?" + +The Baron started. + +"Oh, Himmel!" he exclaimed. "Vy did I not realize before? If nozing +comes--and nozing vill come--ve most stay till one, I soppose." + +Mr. Gallosh emitted something like a groan. + +"Oh my, and that candle will not last more than half an hour at the +most!" + +"Teufel!" said the Baron. "It vas Bonker did give him to me. He might +have made a more proper calculation." + +The prospect was now gloomy indeed. An hour of candle-light had been +bad, but an hour of pitch darkness or of mist wreaths would be many +times worse. + +"A wee tastie more, my lord?" Mr. Gallosh suggested, in a voice whose +vibrations he made an effort to conceal. + +"Jost a vee," said his lordship, hardly more firmly. + +With a dismal disregard for their suspense the minutes dragged +infinitely slowly. The flask was finished; the candle guttered and +flickered ominously; the very shadows grew restless. + +"There's a lot of secret doors and such like in this part of the +house--let's hope there'll be nothing coming through one of them," said +Mr. Gallosh in a breaking voice. + +The Baron muttered an inaudible reply, and then with a start their +shoulders bumped together. + +"Damn it, what's yon!" whispered Mr. Gallosh. + +"Ze pipes! Gallosh, how beastly he does play!" + +In point of fact the air seemed to consist of only one wailing note. + +"Bong!"--they heard the first stroke of midnight on the big clock on +the Castle Tower; and so unfortunately had Count Bunker timed the candle +that on the instant its flame expired. + +"Vithdraw ze curtains!" gasped the Baron. + +"I canna, my lord! Oh, I canna!" wailed Mr. Gallosh, breaking out into +his broadest native Scotch. + +This time the Baron made no movement, and in the palpitating silence +the two sat through one long dark minute after another, till some ten of +them had passed. + +"I shall stand it no more!" muttered the Baron. "Ve vill creep for ze +door." + +"My lord, my lord! For maircy's sake gie's a hold of you!" stammered Mr. +Gallosh, falling on his hands and knees and feeling for the skirt of his +lordship's kilt. + +But their flight was arrested by a portent so remarkable that had there +been only a single witness one would suppose it to be a figment of his +imagination. Fortunately, however, both the Baron and Mr. Gallosh can +corroborate each detail. About the middle, apparently, of the wall +opposite, an oblong of light appeared in the thickest of the gloom. + +"Mein Gott!" cried the Baron. + +"It's filled wi' reek!" gasped Mr. Gallosh. + +And indeed the space seemed filled with a slowly rising cloud of pungent +blue smoke. Then their horrified eyes beheld the figure of an undoubted +Being hazily outlined behind the cloud, and at the same time the piper, +as if sympathetically aware of the crisis, burst into his most dreadful +discords. A yell rang through the gloom, followed by the sounds of a +heavy body alternately scuffling across the floor and falling prostrate +over unseen furniture. The Baron felt for his host, and realized that +this was the escaping Gallosh. + +"Tulliwuddle! Speak!" a hollow voice muttered out of the smoke. + +The Baron has never ceased to exult over the hardihood he displayed in +this unnerving crisis. Rising to his feet and drawing his claymore, he +actually managed to stammer out-- + +"Who--who are you?" + +The Being (he could now perceive dimly that it was clad in tartan) +answered in the same deep, measured voice-- + + "Your senses to confound and fuddle, + Behold the Wraith of Tulliwuddle!" + + +This was sufficiently terrifying, one would think, to excuse the Baron +for following the example of his host. But, though he found afterwards +that he must have perspired freely, he courageously stood his ground. + +"Vy have you gomed here?" he demanded in a voice nearly as hollow as the +Wraith. + +As solemnly as before the spirit replied-- + + "From Pit that's bottomless and dark-- + Methinks I hear it shrieking--Hark!" + + +(The Baron certainly did hear a tumult that might well be termed +infernal; though whether it emanated from Mr. Gallosh, fiends, or the +piper, he could not at the moment feel certain.) + + "I came o'er many leagues of heather + To carry back the answer whether + The noble chieftain of my clan + Conducts him like a gentleman." + + +After this warning, to put the third question required an effort of the +most supreme resolution. The Baron was equal to it, however. + +"Vat instroction do you give me?" he managed to utter. + +In the gravest accents the Wraith chanted-- + + "Hang ever kilt above the knee, + With Usquebaugh be not too free, + When toasts and sic'like games be mooted + See that your dram be well diluted; + And oh, if you'd escape from Hades, + Lord Tulliwuddle, 'ware the ladies!" + + +The spirit vanished as magically as he had appeared, and with this +solemn warning ringing in his ears, the Baron found himself in inky +darkness again. This time he did not hesitate to grope madly for the +door, but hardly had he reached it, when, with a fresh sensation of +horror, he stumbled upon a writhing form that seemed to be pawing the +panels. He was, fortunately; as quickly reassured by hearing the voice +of Mr. Gallosh exclaim in terrified accents-- + +"I canna find the haundle! Oh, Gosh, where's the haundle?" + +Being the less frenzied of the two, the Baron did succeed in finding the +handle, and with a gasp of relief burst into the lighted anteroom. The +piper had already departed, and evidently in haste, since he had +left some portion of a bottle of whisky unfinished. This fortunate +circumstance enabled them to recover something of their color, though, +even when he felt his blood warming again, Mr. Gallosh could scarcely +speak coherently of his terrible ordeal. + +"What an awfu' night! what an awfu' night!" he murmured. "Oh, my lord, +let's get out of this!" + +He was making for the door when the Baron seized his arm. + +"Vait!" he cried. "Ze danger is past! Ach, vas I not brave? Did you not +hear me speak to him? You can bear vitness how brave I vas, eh?" + +"I'll not swear I heard just exactly what passed, my lord. Man, I'll own +I was awful feared!" + +"Tuts! tuts!" said the Baron kindly. "Ve vill say nozing about zat. You +stood vell by me, I shall say. And you vill tell zem I did speak mit +courage to ze ghost." + +"I will that!" said Mr. Gallosh. + +By the time they reached the drawing-room he had so far recovered his +equanimity as to prove a very creditable witness, and between them they +gave such an account of their adventure as satisfied even the excited +expectations of their friends; though the Baron thought it both prudent +and more becoming his dignity to leave considerable mystery attaching to +the precise revelations of his ancestral spirit. + +"Bot vere is Bonker?" he asked, suddenly noticing the absence of his +friend. + +A moment later the Count entered and listened with the greatest interest +to a second (and even more graphic) account of the adventure. More +intimate particulars still were confided to him when they had retired +to their own room, and he appeared as surprised and impressed as any +wraith-seer could desire. As they parted for the night, the Baron +started and sniffed at him. + +"Vat a strange smell you have!" he exclaimed. + +"Peat smoke, probably. This fire wouldn't draw." + +"Strange!" mused the Baron. "I did smell a leetle smell of zat before +to-night." + +"Yes; one notices it all through the house with an east wind." + +This seemed to the Baron a complete explanation of the coincidence. + + + +CHAPTER XIII + +At the house in Belgrave Square at present tenanted by the Baron and +Baroness von Blitzenberg, an event of considerable importance had +occurred. This was nothing less than the arrival of the Countess of +Grillyer upon a visit both of affection and state. So important was she, +and so great the attachment of her daughter, that the preparations +for her reception would have served for a reigning sovereign. But the +Countess had an eye as quick and an appetite for respect as exacting as +Queen Elizabeth, and she had no sooner embraced the Baroness and kissed +her ceremoniously upon either cheek, than her glance appeared to seek +something that she deemed should have been there also. + +"And where is Rudolph?" she demanded. "Is he so very busy that he cannot +spare a moment even to welcome me?" + +The Baroness changed color, but with as easy an air as she could assume +she answered that Rudolph had most unfortunately been summoned from +England. + +"Indeed?" observed the Countess, and the observation was made in a tone +that suggested the advisability of a satisfactory explanation. + +This paragon among mothers and peeresses was a lady of majestic port, +whose ascendant expression and commanding voice were commonly held to +typify all that is best in the feudal system; or, in other words, to +indicate that her opinions had never been contradicted in her life. +When one of these is a firm belief in the holder's divine rights and +semi-divine origin, the effect is undoubtedly impressive. And the +Countess impressed. + +"My dear Alicia," said she, when they had settled down to tea and +confidential talk, "you have not yet told me what has taken Rudolph +abroad again so soon." + +On nothing had the Baron laid more stress than on the necessity of +maintaining the most profound secrecy respecting his mission. "No, not +even to your mozzer most you say. My love, you vill remember?" had been +almost his very last words before departing for St. Petersburg. His +devoted wife had promised this not once, but many times, while his +finger was being shaken at her, and would have scorned herself had she +thought it possible to break her vows. + +"That is a secret, mamma," she declared. + +Her mother opened her eyes. + +"A secret from me, Alicia?" + +"Rudolph made me promise." + +"Not to tell your friends--but that hardly was intended to include your +mother." + +The Baroness looked uncomfortable. + +"I--I'm afraid----" she began, and stopped in hesitation. + +"Did he specifically include me?" demanded the Countess in an altered +tone. + +"I think, mamma, he did," her daughter faltered. + +"Ah!" + +And there was a world of meaning in that comment. + +"Believe me, mamma, it is something very, very important, or Rudolph +would certainly have let me tell you all about it." + +Lady Grillyer opened her eyes still wider. + +"Then I am to understand that he wishes to conceal from me anything that +he considers of importance?" + +"Oh, no! Not that! I only mean that this thing is very secret." + +"Alicia," pronounced the Countess, "when a man specifically conceals +anything from his mother-in-law, you may be quite certain that she ought +to be informed of it at once." + +"I--I can't, mamma!" + +"A trip to Germany--for it is there, I presume, he has gone--back to the +scenes of his bachelorhood, unprotected by the influence of his wife! Do +you call that a becoming procedure?" + +"But he hasn't gone to Germany." + +"He has no business anywhere else!" + +"You forget his diplomatic duties." + +"Ah! He professes to have gone on diplomatic business?" + +"Professes, mamma?" exclaimed the poor Baroness. "How can you say such a +thing! He certainly has gone on a diplomatic mission!" + +"To Paris, no doubt?" suggested Lady Grillyer, with an intonation that +made it quite impossible not to contradict her. + +"Certainly not! He has gone to Russia." + +The more the Countess learned, the more anxious she appeared to grow. + +"To Russia, on a diplomatic mission? This is incredible, Alicia!" + +"Why should it be incredible?" demanded Alicia, flushing. + +"Because he is a mere tyro in diplomacy. Because there is a German +embassy at Petersburg, and they would not send a man from London on a +mission--at least, it is most unlikely." + +"It seems to me quite natural," declared the Baroness. + +She was showing more fight than her mother had ever encountered from her +before, and the opposition seemed to inflame Lady Grillyer's resentment +against the unfilial couple. + +"You know nothing about it! What is this mission about?" + +"That certainly is a secret," said Alicia, relieved that there was +something left to keep her promise over. + +"Has he gone alone?" + +"I--I mustn't tell you, mamma." + +Alicia's face betrayed this subterfuge. + +"You do not know yourself, Alicia," said the Countess incisively. "And +so you need no longer pretend to be keeping a secret from me. It now +becomes our joint business to discover the actual truth. Do not attempt +to wrangle with me further! This investigation is necessary for your +peace of mind, dear." + +The unfortunate Baroness dropped a silent tear. Her peace of mind had +been serenely undisturbed till this moment, and now it was only broken +by the thought of her husband's displeasure should he ever learn how she +had disobeyed his injunctions. Further investigation was the very last +thing to cure it, she said to herself bitterly. She looked piteously +at her parent, but there she only saw an expression of concentrated +purpose. + +"Have you any reason, Alicia, to suspect an attachment--an affair of any +kind?" + +"Mamma!" + +"Do not jump in that excitable manner. Think quietly. He has evidently +returned to Germany for some purpose which he wishes to conceal from us: +the natural supposition is that a woman is at the bottom of it." + +"Rudolph is incapable----" + +"No man is incapable who is in the full possession of his faculties. I +know them perfectly." + +"But, mamma, I cannot bear to think of such a thing!" + +"That is a merely middle-class prejudice. I can't imagine where you have +picked it up." + +In point of fact, during Alicia's girlhood Lady Grillyer had always been +at the greatest pains to preserve her daughter's innocent simplicity, +as being preeminently a more marketable commodity than precocious +worldliness. But if reminded of this she would probably have retorted +that consistency was middle-class also. + +"I have no reason to suspect anything of the sort," the Baroness +declared emphatically. + +Her mother indulged her with a pitying smile and inquired-- + +"What other explanation can you offer? Among his men friends is there +anyone likely to lead him into mischief?" + +"None--at least----" + +"Ah!" + +"He promised me he would avoid Mr. Bunker--I mean Mr. Essington." + +The Countess started. She had vivid and exceedingly distasteful +recollections of Mr. Bunker. + +"That man! Are they still acquainted?" + +"Acquainted--oh yes; but I give Rudolph credit for more sense and more +truthfulness than to renew their friendship." + +The Countess pondered with a very grave expression upon her face, while +Alicia gently wiped her eyes and ardently wished that her honest Rudolph +was here to defend his character and refute these baseless insinuations. +At length her mother said with a brisker air-- + +"Ah! I know exactly what we must do. I shall make a point of seeing Sir +Justin Wallingford tomorrow." + +"Sir Justin Wallingford!" + +"If anybody can obtain private information for us he can. We shall soon +learn whether the Baron has been sent to Russia." + +Alicia uttered a cry of protest. Sir Justin, ex-diplomatist, author of +a heavy volume of Victorian reminiscences, and confidant of many public +personages, was one of her mother's oldest friends; but to her he was +only one degree less formidable than the Countess, and quite the last +person she would have chosen for consultation upon this, or indeed upon +any other subject. + +"I am not going to intrust my husband's secrets to him!" she exclaimed. + +"I am," replied the Countess. + +"But I won't allow it! Rudolph would be----" + +"Rudolph has only himself to blame. My dear Alicia, you can trust Sir +Justin implicitly. When my child's happiness is at stake I would consult +no one who was not discretion itself. I am very glad I thought of him." + +The Baroness burst into tears. + +"My child, my child!" said her mother compassionately. "The world is no +Garden of Eden, however much we may all try to make it so." + +"You--you don't se--seem to be trying now, mamma." + +"May Heaven forgive you, my darling," pronounced the Countess piously. + + + +CHAPTER XIV + +"Sir Justin," said the Countess firmly, "please tell my daughter exactly +what you have discovered." + +Sir Justin Wallingford sat in the drawing-room at Belgrave Square with +one of these ladies on either side of him. He was a tall, gaunt man +with a grizzled black beard, a long nose, and such a formidably solemn +expression that ambitious parents were in the habit of wishing that +their offspring might some day be as wise as Sir Justin Wallingford +looked. His fund of information was prodigious, while his reasoning +powers were so remarkable that he had never been known to commit the +slightest action without furnishing a full and adequate explanation of +his conduct. Thus the discrimination shown by the Countess in choosing +him to restore a lady's peace of mind will at once be apparent. + +"The results of my inquiries," he pronounced, "have been on the whole +of a negative nature. If this mission on which the Baron von Blitzenberg +professes to be employed is in fact of an unusually delicate nature, +it is just conceivable that the answer I received from Prince +Gommell-Kinchen, when I sounded him at the Khalifa's luncheon, may have +been intended merely to throw dust in my eyes. At the same time, his +highness appeared to speak with the candor of a man who has partaken, +not excessively, you understand, but I may say freely, of the pleasures +of the table." + +He looked steadily first at one lady and then at the other, to let this +point sink in. + +"And what did the Prince say?" asked the Baroness, who, in spite of her +supreme confidence in her husband, showed a certain eager nervousness +inseparable from a judicial inquiry. + +"He told me--I merely give you his word, and not my own opinion; you +perfectly understand that, Baroness?" + +"Oh yes," she answered hurriedly. + +"He informed me that, in fact, the Baron had been obliged to ask for a +fortnight's leave of absence to attend to some very pressing and private +business in connection with his Silesian estates." + +"I think, Alicia, we may take that as final," said her mother +decisively. + +"Indeed _I_ shan't!" cried Alicia warmly. "That was just an excuse, of +course. Rudolph's business is so very delicate that--that--well, that +you could only expect Prince Gommell-Kinchen to say something of that +sort." + +"What do you say to that, Sir Justin?" demanded the Countess. + +With the air of a man doing what was only his duty, he replied-- + +"I say that I think it is improbable. In fact, since you demand to know +the truth, I may inform you that the Prince added that leave of absence +was readily given, since the Baron's diplomatic duties are merely +nominal. To quote his own words, 'Von Blitzenberg is a nice fellow, and +it pleases the English ladies to play with him.'" + +Even Lady Grillyer was a trifle taken aback at this description of her +son-in-law, while Alicia turned scarlet with anger. + +"I don't believe he said anything of the sort!" she cried. "You both of +you only want to hurt me and insult Rudolph! I won't stand it!" + +She was already on her feet to leave them, when her mother stopped her, +and Sir Justin hastened to explain. + +"No reflection upon the Baron's character was intended, I assure you. +The Prince merely meant to imply that he represented the social rather +than the business side of the embassy. And both are equally necessary, I +assure you--equally essential, Baroness, believe me." + +"In fact," said the Countess, "the remark comes to this, that Rudolph +would never be sent to Russia, whatever else they might expect of him." + +Even through their tears Alicia's eyes brightened with triumph. + +"But he HAS gone, mamma! I got a letter from him this morning--from St. +Petersburg!" + +The satisfaction of her two physicians on hearing this piece of good +news took the form of a start which might well have been mistaken for +mere astonishment, or even for dismay. + +"And you did not tell ME of it!" cried her mother. + +"Rudolph did not wish me to. I have only told you now to prove how +utterly wrong you both are." + +"Let me see this letter!" + +"Indeed, mamma, I won't!" + +The two ladies looked at one another with such animosity that Sir Justin +felt called upon to interfere. + +"Suppose the Baroness were to read us as much as is necessary to +convince us that there is no possibility of a mistake," he suggested. + +So profoundly did the Countess respect his advice that she graciously +waived her maternal rights so far as actually following the text with +her eyes went; while her daughter, after a little demur, was induced to +depart this one step further from her husband's injunctions. + +"You have no objections to my glancing at the post-mark?" said Sir +Justin when this point was settled. + +With a toss of her head the Baroness silently handed him the envelope. + +"It seems correct," he observed cautiously. + +"But post-marks can be forged, can't they?" inquired the Countess. + +"I fear they can," he admitted, with a sorrowful air. + +Scorning to answer this insinuation, the Baroness proceeded to read +aloud the following extracts: + +"'I travelled with comfort through Europe, and having by many countries +passed, such as Germany and others, I arrived, my dear Alicia, in +Russia.'" + +"Is that all he says about his journey?" interrupted Lady Grillyer. + +"It is certainly a curiously insufficient description of a particularly +interesting route," commented Sir Justin. + +"It almost seems as if he didn't know what other countries lie between +England and Russia," added the Countess. + +"It only means that he knows geography doesn't interest me!" replied +Alicia. "And he does say more about his journey--'Alone by myself, in +a carriage very quietly I travelled.' And again--'To be observed not +wishing, and strict orders being given to me, with no man I spoke all +the way.' There!" + +"That certainly makes it more difficult to check his statements," Sir +Justin admitted. + +"Ah, he evidently thought of that!" said the Countess. "If he had said +there was anyone with him, we could have asked him afterwards who it +was. What a pity! Read on, my child--we are vastly interested." + +Thus encouraged, the Baroness continued + +"'In Russia the crops are good, and from my window with pleasure I +observe them. Petersburg is a nice town, and I have a pleasant apartment +in it!'" + +"What!" exclaimed the Countess. "He is looking at the crops from his +window in St. Petersburg!" + +Sir Justin grimly pursed his lips, but his silence was more ominous +than speech. In fact, the Baron's unfortunate effort at realism by the +introduction of his window struck the first blow at his wife's implicit +trust in him. She was evidently a little disconcerted, though she +stoutly declared-- + +"He is evidently living in the suburbs, mamma." + +"Will you be so kind as to read on a little farther?" interposed Sir +Justin in a grave voice. + +"'The following reflections have I made. Russia is very large and cold, +where people in furs are to be seen, and sledges. Bombs are thrown +sometimes, and the marine is not good when it does drink too much.' Now, +mamma, he must have seen these things or he wouldn't put them in his +letter." + +The Baroness broke of somewhat hurriedly to make this comment, almost +indeed as though she felt it to be necessary. As for her two comforters, +they looked at one another with so much sorrow that their eyes gleamed +and their lips appeared to smile. + +"The Baron did not write that letter in Russia," said Sir Justin +decisively. "Furs are not worn in summer, nor do the inhabitants travel +in sledges at this time of the year." + +"But--but he doesn't say he actually saw them," pleaded the Baroness. + +"Then that remark, just like the rest of his reflections, makes utter +nonsense," rejoined her mother. + +"Is that all?" inquired Sir Justin. + +"Almost all--all that is important," faltered the Baroness. + +"Let us hear the rest," said her mother inexorably. + +"There is only a postscript, and that merely says--'The flask that you +filled I thank you for; it was so large that it was sufficient for----' +I can't read the last word." + +"Let me see it, Alicia." + +A few minutes ago Alicia would have torn the precious letter up rather +than let another eye fall upon it. That her devotion was a little +disturbed was proved by her allowing her two advisers to study even a +single sentence. Keeping her hand over the rest, she showed it to them. +They bent their brows, and then simultaneously exclaimed-- + +"'Us both!'" + +"Oh, it can't be!" cried the poor Baroness. + +"It is absolutely certain," said her mother in a terrible voice--"'It +was so large that it was sufficient for us both!'" + +"There is no doubt about it," corroborated Sir Justin sternly. "The +unfortunate young man has inadvertently confessed his deception." + +"It cannot be!" murmured the Baroness. "He said at the beginning that he +travelled quite alone." + +"That is precisely what condemns him," said her mother. + +"Precisely," reiterated Sir Justin. + +The Baroness audibly sobbed, while the two patchers of her peace of mind +gazed at her commiserately. + +"What am I to do?" she asked at length. "I can't believe he really---- +But how am I to find out?" + +"I shall make further investigations," promptly replied Sir Justin. + +"And I also," added the Countess. + +"Meanwhile," said Sir Justin, "we shall be exceedingly interested to +learn what further particulars of his wanderings the Baron supplies you +with." + +"Yes," observed the Countess, "he can fortunately be trusted to betray +himself. You will inform me, Alicia, as soon as you hear from him +again." + +Her daughter made no reply. + +Sir Justin rose and bade them a grave farewell. + +"In my daughter's name I thank you cordially," said the Countess, as she +pressed his hand. + +"Anything I have done has been a pleasure to me," he assured them with a +sincerity there was no mistaking. + + + +CHAPTER XV + +In an ancient and delightful garden, where glimpses of the loch below +gleamed through a mass of summer foliage, and the gray castle walls +looked down on smooth, green glades, the Baron slowly paced the shaven +turf. But he did not pace it quite alone, for by his side moved +a graceful figure in a wide, sun-shading hat and a frock entirely +irresistible. Beneath the hat, by bending a little down, you could have +seen the dark liquid eyes and tender lips of Eva Gallosh. And the Baron +frequently bent down. + +"I am proud of everyzing zat I find in my home," said the Baron +gallantly. + +The lady's color rose, but not apparently in anger. + +"Ach, here is a pretty leetle seat!" he exclaimed in a tone of pleased +discovery, just as though he had not been leading her insidiously +towards it ever since they, came into the garden. + +It was, indeed, a most shady and secluded bench, an ideal seat for any +gallant young Baron who had left his Baroness sufficiently far away. He +glanced down complacently upon his brawny knees, displayed (he could +not but think) to great advantage beneath his kilt and sporran, and then +with a tenderer complacency, turned his gaze upon his fair companion. + +"You say you like me in ze tartan?" he murmured. + +"I adore everything Highland! Oh, Lord Tulliwuddle, how fortunate you +are!" + +Nature had gifted Miss Gallosh with a generous share of romantic +sentiment. It was she who had egged on her father to rent this Highland +castle for the summer, instead of chartering a yacht as he had done for +the past few years; and ever since they had come here that sentiment +had grown, till she was ready to don the white cockade and plot a new +Jacobite uprising. Then, while her heart was in this inspired condition, +a noble young chief had stepped in to complete the story. No wonder her +dark eyes burned. + +"What attachment you must feel for each stone of the Castle!" she +continued in a rapt voice. "How your heart must beat to remember that +your great-grandfather--wasn't his name Fergus?" + +"Fergus: yes," said the Baron, blindly but promptly. + +"No, no; it was Ian, of course." + +"Ach, so! Ian he vas." + +"You were thinking of his father," she smiled. + +"Yes, his fazzer." + +She reflected sagely. + +"I am afraid I get my facts mixed up some times. Ian--ah, Reginald came +before him--not Fergus!" + +"Reginald--oh yes, so he did!" + +She looked a trifle disappointed. + +"If I were you I should know them all by heart," said she. + +"I vill learn zem. Oh yes, I most not make soch mistakes." + +Indeed he registered a very sincere vow to study his family history that +afternoon. + +"What was I saying? Oh yes--about your brave great-grandfather. Do you +know, Lord Tulliwuddle, I want to ask you a strange favor? You won't +think it very odd of me?" + +"Odd? Never! Already it is granted." + +"I want to hear from your own lips--from the lips of an actual Lord +Tulliwuddle--the story of your ancestor Ian's exploit." + +With beseeching eyes and a face flushed with a sense of her presumption, +she uttered this request in a voice that tore the Baron with conflicting +emotions. + +"Vich exploit do you mean?" he asked in a kindly voice but with a +troubled eye. + +"You must know! When he defended the pass, of course." + +"Ach, so!" + +The Baron looked at her, and though he boasted of no such inventive +gifts as his friend Bunker, his ardent heart bade him rather commit +himself to perdition than refuse. + +"You will tell it to me?" + +"I vill!" + +Making as much as possible of the raconteur's privileges of clearing his +throat, settling himself into good position, and gazing dreamily at the +tree-tops for inspiration, he began in a slow, measured voice-- + +"In ze pass he stood. Zen gomed his enemies. He fired his gon and +shooted some dead. Zen did zey run avay. Zat vas vat happened." + +When he ventured to meet her candid gaze after thus lamely libelling his +forefather, he was horrified to observe that she had already recoiled +some feet away from him, and seemed still to be in the act of recoiling. + +"It would have been kinder to tell me at once that I had asked too +much!" she exclaimed in a voice affected by several emotions. "I only +wanted to hear you repeat his death-cry as his foes slew him, so that it +might always seem more real to me. And you snub me like this!" + +The Baron threw himself upon one knee. + +"Forgive me! I did jost lose mine head mit your eyes looking so at me! I +get confused, you are so lovely! I did not mean to snob!" + +In the ardor of his penitence he discovered himself holding her hand; +she no longer seemed to be recoiling; and Heaven knows what might have +happened next if an ostentatious sound of whistling had not come to +their rescue. + +"Bot you vill forgive?" he whispered, as they sprang up from their shady +seat. + +"Ye-es," she answered, just as the serene glance of Count Bunker fell +humorously upon them. + +"You seem to have been plucking flowers, Tulliwuddle," he observed. + +"Flowers? Oh, no." + +The Count glanced pointedly at his soiled knee. + +"Indeed!" said he. "Don't I see traces of a flower-bed?" + +"I think I should go in," murmured Eva, and she was gone before the +Count had time to frame a compensating speech. + +His friend Tulliwuddle looked at him with marked displeasure, yet seemed +to find some difficulty in adequately expressing it. + +"I do not care for vat you said," he remarked stiffly. "Nor for ze look +now on your face." + +"Baron," said the Count imperturbably, "what did you tell me the Wraith +said to you--something about 'Beware of the ladies,' wasn't it?" + +"You do not onderstand. Ze ghost" (he found some difficulty in +pronouncing the spirit's chosen name) "did soppose naturally zat I vas +ze real Lord Tollyvoddle, who is, as you have told me yourself, Bonker, +somezing of a fast fish. Ze varning vas to him obviously, so you should +not turn it upon me." + +Bunker opened his eyes. + +"A deuced ingenious argument," he commented. "It wouldn't have occurred +to me if you hadn't explained. Then you claim the privilege of wooing +whom you wish?" + +"Wooing! You forget zat I am married, Bonker." + +"Oh no, I remember perfectly." + +His tone disturbed the Baron. Taking the Count's arm, he said to him +with moving earnestness-- + +"Have I not told you how constant I am--like ze magnet and ze pole?" + +"I have heard you employ the simile." + +"Ach, bot it is true! I am inside my heart so constant as it is +possible! But I now represent Tollyvoddle, and for his sake most try to +do my best." + +Again Count Bunker glanced at his knee. + +"And that is your best, then?" + +"Listen, Bonker, and try to onderstand--not jost to make jokes. It +appears to me zat Miss Gallosh vill make a good vife to Tollyvoddle. She +is so fair, so amiable, and so rich. Could he do better? Should I not +lay ze foundations of a happy marriage mit her? Soppose ve do get her +instead of Miss Maddison, eh?" + +His artful eloquence seemed to impress his friend, for he smiled +thoughtfully and did not reply at once. More persuasively than ever the +Baron continued-- + +"I do believe mit patience and mit--er--mit kindness, Bonker, I might +persuade Miss Gallosh to listen to ze proposal of Tollyvoddle. And vould +it not be better far to get him a lady of his own people, and not a +stranger from America? Ve vill not like Miss Maddison, I feel sure. Vy +troble mit her--eh, Bonker?" + +"But don't you think, Baron, that we ought to give Tulliwuddle his +choice? He may prefer an American heiress to a Scottish." + +"Not if he sees Eva Gallosh!" + +Again the Count gently raised his eyebrows in a way that the Baron could +not help considering unsuitable to the occasion. + +"On the other hand, Baron, Miss Maddison will probably have five or ten +times as much money as Miss Gallosh. In arranging a marriage for another +man, one must attend to such trifles as a few million dollars more or +less." + +For the moment the Baron was silenced, but evidently not convinced. + +"Supposing I were to call upon the Maddisons as your envoy?" suggested +Bunker, who, to tell the truth, had already begun to tire of a life of +luxurious inaction. + +"Pairhaps in a few days we might gonsider it." + +"We have been here for a week already." + +"Ven vould you call?" + +"To-morrow, for instance." + +The Baron frowned; but argument was difficult. + +"You only jost vill go to see?" + +"And report to you." + +"And suppose she is ogly--or not so nice--or so on----zen vill I not see +her, eh?" + +"But suppose she is tolerable?" + +"Zen vill ve give him a choice, and I vill continue to be polite to Miss +Gallosh. Ah, Bonker, she is so nice! He vill not like Miss Maddison so +vell! Himmel, I do admire her!" + +The Baron's eyes shone with reminiscent affection. + +"To how many poles is the magnet usually constant?" inquired the Count +with a serious air. + +The Baron smiled a little foolishly, and then, with a confidential air, +replied-- + +"Ach, Bonker, marriage is blessed and it is happy, and it is +everyzing that my heart desires; only I jost sometimes vish it vas not +qvite--qvite so uninterruptable!" + + + +CHAPTER XVI + +In a dog-cart borrowed from his obliging host, Count Bunker approached +the present residence of Mr. Darius P. Maddison. He saw, and--in his +client's interest--noted with approval the efforts that were being +made to convert an ordinary fishing-lodge into a suitable retreat for a +gentleman worth so many million dollars. "Corryvohr," as the house was +originally styled, or "Lincoln Lodge," as the patriotic Silver King had +re-named it, had already been enlarged for his reception by the addition +of four complete suites of apartments, each suitable for a nobleman +and his retinue, an organ hall, 10,000 cubic yards of scullery +accommodation, and a billiard-room containing three tables. But since he +had taken up his residence there he had discovered the lack of several +other essentials for a quiet "mountain life" (as he appropriately +phrased it), and these defects were rapidly being remedied as our friend +drove up. The conservatory was already completed, with the exception +of the orchid and palm houses; the aviary was practically ready, and +several crates of the rarer humming-birds were expected per goods train +that evening; while a staff of electricians could be seen erecting the +private telephone by which Mr. Maddison proposed to keep himself in +touch with the silver market. + +The Count had no sooner pressed the electric bell than a number of +men-servants appeared, sufficient to conduct him in safety to a handsome +library fitted with polished walnut, and carpeted as softly as the moss +on a mountain-side. Having sent in his card, he entertained himself by +gazing out of the window and wondering what strange operation was +being conducted on a slope above the house, where a grove of pines were +apparently being rocked to and fro by a concourse of men with poles and +pulleys. But he had not to wait long, for with a promptitude that gave +one some inkling of the secret of Mr. Maddison's business success, the +millionaire entered. + +In a rapid survey the Count perceived a tall man in the neighborhood +of sixty: gray-haired, gray-eyed, and gray-faced. The clean-shaved and +well-cut profile included the massive foundation of jaw which Bunker +had confidently anticipated, and though his words sounded florid in a +European ear, they were uttered in a voice that corresponded excellently +with this predominant chin. + +"I am very pleased to see you, sir, very pleased indeed," he assured the +Count not once but several times, shaking him heartily by the hand and +eyeing him with a glance accustomed to foresee several days before his +fellows the probable fluctuations in the price of anything. + +"I have taken the liberty of calling upon you in the capacity of Lord +Tulliwuddle's confidential friend," the Count began. "He is at present, +as you may perhaps have learned, visiting his ancestral possessions----" + +"My dear sir, for some days we have been expecting his lordship and +yourself to honor us with a visit," Mr. Maddison interposed. "You need +not trouble to introduce yourself. The name of Count Bunker is already +familiar to us." + +He bowed ceremoniously as he spoke, and the Count with no less +politeness laid his hand upon his heart and bowed also. + +"I looked forward to the meeting with pleasure," he replied. "But it has +already exceeded my anticipations." + +He would have still further elaborated these assurances, but with his +invariable tact he perceived a shrewd look in the millionaire's eye that +warned him he had to do with a man accustomed to flowery preliminaries +from the astutest manipulators of a deal. + +"I am only sorry you should find our little cottage in such disorder," +said Mr. Maddison. "The contractor for the conservatory undertook to +erect it in a week, and my only satisfaction is that he is now paying me +a forfeit of 500 dollars a day. As for the electricians in this country, +sir, they are not incompetent men, but they must be taught to hustle if +they are to work under American orders; and I don't quite see how they +are to find a job anyways else." + +He turned to the window with a more satisfied air. + +"Here, however, you will perceive a tolerably satisfactory piece of +work. I guess those trees will be ready pretty near as soon as the +capercailzies are ready for them." + +Count Bunker opened his eyes. + +"Do I understand that you are erecting a pine wood?" + +"You do. That fir forest is my daughter's notion. She thought ordinary +plane-trees looked kind of unsuitable for our mountain home. The land +of Burns and of the ill-fated Claverhouse, Viscount Dundee, should have +more appropriate foliage than that! Well, sir, it took four hundred men +just three days to remove the last traces of the last root of the last +of those plane-trees." + +"And the pines, I suppose, you brought from a neighboring wood?" said +the Count, patriotically endeavoring not to look too dumbfoundered. + +"No, sir. Lord Tulliwuddle's factor was too slow for me--said he must +consult his lordship before removing the timber on the estate. I cabled +to Norway: the trees arrived yesterday in Aberdeen, and I guess half +of them are as near perpendicular by now as a theodolite can make them. +They are being erected, sir, on scientific principles." + +Restraining his emotion with a severe effort, Bunker quietly observed + +"Very good idea. I don't know that it would have occurred to me to land +them at Aberdeen." + +From the corner of his eye he saw that his composure had produced a +distinct impression, but he found it hard to retain it through the +Silver King's next statement. + +"You have taken a long lease of Lincoln Lodge, I presume?" he inquired. + +"One year," said Mr. Maddison. "But I reckon to be comfortable if I'm +spending twenty minutes at a railroad junction." + +"Ah!" responded the Count, "in that case shifting a forest must be +child's-play." + +The millionaire smiled affably at this pleasantry and invited his guest +to be seated. + +"You will try something American, I hope, Count Bunker?" he asked, +touching the bell. + +Count Bunker, rightly conceiving this to indicate a cock-tail, replied +that he would, and in as nearly seven and a half seconds as he could +calculate, a tray appeared with two of these remarkable compounds. +Following his host's example, the Count threw his down at a gulp. + +"The same," said Mr. Maddison simply. And in an almost equally brief +space the same arrived. + +"Now," said he, when they were alone again, "I hope you will pardon +me, Count, if I am discourteous enough to tell you that my time is +uncomfortably cramped. When I first came here I found that I was +expected to stand upon the shore of the river for two hours on the +chance of catching one salmon. But I have changed all that. As soon as I +step outside my door, my ghillie brings me my rod, and if there ain't +a salmon at the end for me to land, another ghillie will receive his +salary. Since lunch I have caught a fish, despatched fifteen cablegrams, +and dictated nine letters. I am only on holiday here, and if I don't get +through double that amount in the next two hours I scarcely see my way +to do much more fishing to-day. That being so, let us come right to +the point. You bring some kind of proposition from Lord Tulliwuddle, I +guess?" + +During his drive the Count had cogitated over a number of judicious +methods of opening the delicate business; but his adaptability was equal +to the occasion. In as business-like a tone as his host, he replied-- + +"You are quite right, Mr. Maddison. Lord Tulliwuddle has deputed me to +open negotiations for a certain matrimonial project." + +Mr. Maddison's expression showed his appreciation of this candor and +delicacy. + +"Well," said he, "to be quite frank, Count, I should have thought all +the better of his lordship if he had been a little more prompt about the +business." + +"It is not through want of admiration for Miss Maddison, I assure +you----" + +"No," interrupted Mr. Maddison, "it is because he does not realize the +value of time--which is considerably more valuable than admiration, I +can assure you. Since I discussed the matter with Lord Tulliwuddle's +aunt we have had several more buyers--I should say, suitors--in the +market--er--in the field, Count Bunker. But so far, fortunately for his +lordship, my Eleanor has not approved of the samples sent, and if +he still cares to come forward we shall be pleased to consider his +proposition." + +The millionaire looked at him out of an impenetrable eye; and the Count +in an equally guarded tone replied, + +"I greatly approve of putting things on so sound a footing, and with +equal frankness I may tell you--in confidence, of course--that Lord +Tulliwuddle also is not without alternatives. He would, however, prefer +to offer his title and estates to Miss Maddison, provided that there is +no personal objection to be found on either side." + +Mr. Maddison's eye brightened and his tone warmed. + +"Sir," said he, "I guess there won't be much objection to Eleanor +Maddison when your friend has seen her. Without exaggeration, I may say +that she is the most beautiful girl in America, and that is to say, the +most beautiful girl anywhere. The precise amount of her fortune we can +discuss, supposing the necessity arrives: but I can assure you it will +be sufficient to set three of your mortgaged British aristocrats upon +their legs again. No, sir, the objection will not come from THAT side!" + +With a gentle smile and a deprecatory gesture the Count answered, "I +am convinced that Miss Maddison is all--indeed, more than all--your +eloquence has painted. On the other hand, I trust that you will not be +disappointed in my friend Tulliwuddle." + +Mr. Maddison crossed his legs and interlocked his fingers like a man +about to air his views. This, in fact, was what he proceeded to do. + +"My opinion of aristocracies and the pampered individuals who compose +them is the opinion of an intelligent and enlightened democrat. I see +them from the vantage-ground of a man who has made his own way in the +world unhampered by ancestry, who has dwelt in a country fortunately +unencumbered by such hindrances to progress, and who has no personal +knowledge of their defects. You will admit that I speak with unusual +opportunities of forming a judgment?" + +"You should have the impartiality of a missionary," said Bunker gravely. + +"That is so, sir. Now, in proposing to marry my daughter to a member of +this class, I am actuated solely by a desire to take advantage of +the opportunities such an alliance would confer. I am still perfectly +clear?" + +"Perfectly," replied Bunker, with the same profound gravity. + +"In consequence," resumed the millionaire, with the impressiveness of +a logician drawing a conclusion from two irrefutable premises--"in +consequence, Count Bunker, I demand--and my daughter demands--and my +son demands, sir, that the nobleman should possess an unusual number of +high-class, fire-proof, expert-guaranteed qualities. That is only fair, +you must admit?" + +"I agree with you entirely." + +Mr. Maddison glanced at the clock and sprang to his feet. + +"I have not the pleasure of knowing my neighbor, Mr. Gallosh," he said, +resuming his brisk business tone; "but I beg you to convey to him and to +his wife and daughter my compliments--and my daughter's compliments--and +tell them that we hope they will excuse ceremony and bring Lord +Tulliwuddle to luncheon to-morrow." + +Count Bunker expressed his readiness to carry this message, and the +millionaire even more briskly resumed-- + +"I shall now give myself the pleasure of presenting you to my son and +daughter." + +With his swiftest strides he escorted his distinguished guest to another +room, flung the door open, announced, "My dears, Count Bunker!" and +pressed the Count's hand even as he was effecting this introduction. + +"Very pleased to have met you, Count. Good day," he ejaculated, and +vanished on the instant. + + + +CHAPTER XVII + +Raising his eyes after the profound bow which the Count considered +appropriate to his character of plenipotentiary, he beheld at last +the object of his mission; and whether or not she was the absolutely +peerless beauty her father had vaunted, he at once decided that she was +lovely enough to grace Hechnahoul, or any other, Castle. Black eyes +and a mass of coal-black hair, an ivory pale skin, small well-chiselled +features, and that distinctively American plumpness of contour--these +marked her face; while as for her figure, it was the envy of her women +friends and the distraction of all mankind who saw her. + +"Fortunate Baron!" thought Bunker. + +Beside her, though sufficiently in the rear to mark the relative +position of the sexes in the society they adorned, stood Darius P. +Maddison, junior--or "Ri," in the phrase of his relatives and friends--a +broad-shouldered, well-featured young man, with keen eyes, a mouth +compressed with the stern resolve to die richer than Mr. Rockefeller, +and a pair of perfectly ironed trousers. + +"I am very delighted to meet you," declared the heiress. + +"Very honored to have this pleasure," said the brother. + +"While I enjoy both sensations," replied the Count, with his most +agreeable smile. + +A little preliminary conversation ensued, in the course of which the two +parties felt an increasing satisfaction in one another's society; while +Bunker had the further pleasure of enjoying a survey of the room in +which they sat. Evidently it was Miss Maddison's peculiar sanctum, +and it revealed at once her taste and her power of gratifying it. The +tapestry that covered two sides of the room could be seen at a glance to +be no mere modern imitation, but a priceless relic of the earlier middle +ages. The other walls were so thickly hung with pictures that one could +scarcely see the pale-green satin beneath; and among these paintings the +Count's educated eye recognized the work of Raphael, Botticelli, Turner, +and Gainsborough among other masters; while beneath the cornice hung a +well-chosen selection from the gems of the modern Anglo-American school. +The chairs and sofa were upholstered in a figured satin of a slightly +richer hue of green, and on several priceless oriental tables lay +displayed in ivory, silver, crystal, and alabaster more articles of +vertu than were to be found in the entire house of an average collector. + +"Fortunate Tulliwuddle!" thought Bunker. + +They had been conversing on general topics for a few minutes, when Miss +Maddison turned to her brother and said, with a frankness that both +pleased and entertained the Count-- + +"Ri, dear, don't you think we had better come right straight to the +point? I feel sure Count Bunker is only waiting till he knows us a +little better, and I guess it will save him considerable embarrassment +if we begin." + +"You are the best judge, Eleanor. I guess your notions are never far of +being all right." + +With a gratified smile Eleanor addressed the Count. + +"My brother and I are affinities," she said. "You can speak to him just +as openly as you can to me. What is fit for me to hear is fit for him." + +Assuring her that he would not hesitate to act upon this guarantee if +necessary, the Count nevertheless diplomatically suggested that he would +sooner leave it to the lady to open the discussion. + +"Well," she said, "I suppose we may presume you have called here as Lord +Tulliwuddle's friend?" + +"You may, Miss Maddison." + +"And no doubt he has something pretty definite to suggest?" + +"Matrimony," smiled the Count. + +Her brother threw him a stern smile of approval. + +"That's right slick THERE!" he exclaimed. + +"Lord Tulliwuddle has made a very happy selection in his ambassador," +said Eleanor, with equal cordiality. "People who are afraid to come to +facts tire me. No doubt you will think it strange and forward of me to +talk in this spirit, Count, but if you'd had to go through the worry of +being an American heiress in a European state you would sympathize. Why, +I'm hardly ever left in peace for twenty-four hours--am I, Ri?" + +"That is so," quoth Ri. + +"What would you guess my age to be, Count Bunker?" + +"Twenty-one," suggested Bunker, subtracting two or three years on +general principles. + +"Well, you're nearer it than most people. Nineteen on my last birthday, +Count!" + +The Count murmured his surprise and pleasure, and Ri again declared, +"That is so." + +"And it isn't the American climate that ages one, but the terrible +persecutions of the British aristocracy! I can be as romantic as any +girl, Count Bunker; why, Ri, you remember poor Abe Sellar and the stolen +shoe-lace?" + +"Guess I do!" said Ri. + +"That was a romance if ever there was one! But I tell you, Count, +sentiment gets rubbed off pretty quick when you come to a bankrupt +Marquis writing three ill-spelled sheets to assure me of the +disinterested affection inspired by my photograph, or a divorced Duke +offering to read Tennyson to me if I'll hire a punt!" + +"I can well believe it," said the Count sympathetically. + +"Well, now," the heiress resumed, with a candid smile that made her +cynicism become her charmingly, "you see how it is. I want a man one +can RESPECT, even if he is a peer. He may have as many titles as dad has +dollars, but he must be a MAN!" + +"That is so," said Ri, with additional emphasis. + +"I can guarantee Lord Tulliwuddle as a model for a sculptor and an +eligible candidate for canonization," declared the Count. + +"I guess we want something grittier than that," said Ri. + +"And what there is of it sounds almost too good news to be true," added +his sister. "I don't want a man like a stained-glass window, Count; +because for one thing I couldn't get him." + +"If you specify your requirements we shall do our best to satisfy you," +replied the Count imperturbably. + +"Well, now," said Eleanor thoughtfully, "I may just as well tell you +that if I'm going to take a peer--and I must own peers are rather my +fancy at present--it was Mohammedan pashas last year, wasn't it, Ri?" +("That is so," from Ri.)--"If I AM going to take a peer, I must have +a man that LOOKS a peer. I've been plagued with so many undersized +and round-shouldered noblemen that I'm beginning to wonder whether the +aristocracy gets proper nourishment. How tall is Lord Tulliwuddle?" + +"Six feet and half an inch." + +"That's something more like!" said Ri; and his sister smiled her +acquiescence. + +"And does he weigh up to it?" she inquired. + +"Fourteen, twelve, and three-quarters." + +"What's that in pounds, Ri? We don't count people in stones in America." + +A tense frown, a nervous twitching of the lip, and in an instant the +young financier produced the answer: + +"Two hundred and nine pounds all but four ounces." + +"Well," said Eleanor, "it all depends on how he holds himself. That's a +lot to carry for a young man." + +"He holds himself like one of his native pine-trees, Miss Maddison!" + +She clapped her hands. + +"Now I call that just a lovely metaphor, Count Bunker!" she cried. +"Oh, if he's going to look like a pine, and walk like the pipers at the +Torrydhulish gathering, and really be a chief like Fergus MacIvor or +Roderick Dhu, I do believe I'll actually fall in love with him!" + +"Say, Count," interposed Ri, "I guess we've heard he's half German." + +"It was indeed in Germany that he learned his thorough grasp of +politics, statesmanship, business, and finance, and acquired his lofty +ambitions and indomitable perseverance." + +"He'll do, Eleanor," said the young man. "That's to say, if he is +anything like the prospectus." + +His sister made no immediate reply. She seemed to be musing--and not +unpleasantly. + +At that moment a motor car passed the window. + +"My!" exclaimed Eleanor, "I'd quite forgot! That will be to take the +Honorable Stanley to the station. We must say good-by to him, I suppose." + +She turned to the Count and added in explanation-- + +"The last to apply was the Honorable Stanley Pilkington--Lord Didcott's +heir, you know. Oh, if you could see him, you'd realize what I've had to +go through!" + +Even as she spoke he was given the opportunity, for the door somewhat +diffidently opened and an unhappy-looking young man came slowly into +the room. He was clearly to be classified among the round-shouldered +ineligibles; being otherwise a tall and slender youth, with an amiable +expression and a smoothly well-bred voice. + +"I've come to say good-by, Miss Maddison," he said, with a mournful air. +"I--I've enjoyed my visit very much," he added, as he timidly shook her +hand. + +"So glad you have, Mr. Pilkington," she replied cordially. "It has been +a very great pleasure to entertain you. Our friend Count Bunker--Mr. +Pilkington." + +The young man bowed with a look in his eye that clearly said-- + +"The next candidate, I perceive." + +Then having said good-by to Ri, the Count heard him murmur to Eleanor-- + +"Couldn't you--er--couldn't you just manage to see me off?" + +"With very great pleasure!" she replied in a hearty voice that seemed +curiously enough rather to damp than cheer his drooping spirits. + +No sooner had they left the room together than Darius, junior, turned +energetically to his guest, and said in a voice ringing with pride-- + +"You may not believe me, Count, but I assure you that is the third +fellow she has seen to the door inside a fortnight! One Duke, one +Viscount--who will expand into something more considerable some day--and +this Honorable Pilkington! Your friend, sir, will be a fortunate man if +he is able to please my sister." + +"She seems, indeed, a charming girl." + +"Charming! She is an angel in human form! And I, sir, her brother, will +see to it that she is not deceived in the man she chooses--not if I can +help it!" + +The young man said this with such an air as Bunker supposed his +forefathers to have worn when they hurled the tea into Boston harbor. + +"I trust that Lord Tulliwuddle, at least, will not fall under your +displeasure, sir," he replied with an air of sincere conviction that +exactly echoed his thoughts. + +"Oh, Ri!" cried Eleanor, running back into the room, "he was so sweet as +he said good-by in the hall that I nearly kissed him! I would have, only +it might have made him foolish again. But did you see his shoulders, +Count! And oh, to think of marrying a gentle thing like that! Is Lord +Tulliwuddle a firm man, Count Bunker?" + +"Adamant--when in the right," the Count assured her. + +A renewed air of happy musing in her eyes warned him that he had +probably said exactly enough, and with the happiest mean betwixt +deference and dignity he bade them farewell. + +"Then, Count, we shall see you all to-morrow," said Eleanor as they +parted. "Please tell your hosts that I am very greatly looking forward +to the pleasure of knowing them. There is a Miss Gallosh, isn't there?" + +The Count informed her that there was in fact such a lady. + +"That is very good news for me! I need a girl friend very badly, Count; +these proposals lose half their fun with only Ri to tell them to. I +intend to make a confidante of Miss Gallosh on the spot!" + +"H'm," thought the Count, as he drove away, "I wonder whether she will." + + + +CHAPTER XVIII + +As the plenipotentiary approached the Castle he was somewhat +surprised to pass a dog-cart containing not only his fellow-guest, Mr. +Cromarty-Gow, but Mr. Gow's luggage also, and although he had hitherto +taken no particular interest in that gentleman, yet being gifted with +the true adventurer's instinct for promptly investigating any unusual +circumstance, he sought his host as soon as he reached the house, with +a view to putting a careless question or two. For no one, he felt sure, +had been expected to leave for a few days to come. + +"Yes," said Mr. Gallosh, "the young spark's off verra suddenly. We +didn't expect him to be leaving before Tuesday. But--well, the fact +is--umh'm--oh, it's nothing to speak off." + +This reticence, however, was easily cajoled away by the insidious Count, +and at last Mr. Gallosh frankly confided to him-- + +"Well, Count, between you and me he seems to have had a kind of fancy +for my daughter Eva, and then his lordship coming--well, you'll see for +yourself how it was." + +"He considered his chances lessened?" + +"He told Rentoul they were clean gone." + +Count Bunker looked decidedly serious. + +"The devil!" he reflected. "The Baron is exceeding his commission. +Tulliwuddle is a brisk young fellow, but to commit him to two marriages +is neither Christian nor kind. And, without possessing the Baron's +remarkable enthusiasm for the sex, I feel sorry for whichever lady is +not chosen to cut the cake." + +He inquired for his friend, and was somewhat relieved to learn that +though he had gone out on the loch with Miss Gallosh, they had been +accompanied by her brothers and sisters. + +"We still have half an hour before dressing," he said. "I shall stroll +down and meet them." + +His creditable anxiety returned when, upon the path to the loch shore, +he met the two Masters and the two younger Misses Gallosh returning +without their sister. + +"Been in different boats, have you?" said he, after they had explained +this curious circumstance; "well, I hope you all had a good sail." + +To himself he uttered a less philosophical comment, and quickened his +stride perceptibly. He reached the shore, but far or near was never a +sign of boat upon the waters. + +"Have they gone down!" he thought. + +Just then he became aware of a sound arising from beneath the wooded +bank a short distance away. It was evidently intended to be muffled, +but the Baron's lungs were powerful, and there was no mistaking his deep +voice as he sang-- + + "'My loff she's like a red, red rose + Zat's newly sprong in June! + My loff she's like a melody + Zat's sveetly blayed in tune! + +Ach, how does he end?" + +Before his charmer had time to prompt him, the Count raised his own +tolerably musical voice and replied-- + + "'And fare thee weel, my second string! + And fare thee weel awhile! + I won t come back again, my love, + For tis ower mony mile! + + +For an instant there followed a profound silence, and then the voice of +the Baron replied, with somewhat forced mirth-- + +"Vary goot, Bonker! Ha, ha! Vary goot!" + +Meanwhile Bunker, without further delay, was pushing his way through a +tangle of shrubbery till in a moment he spied the boat moored beneath +the leafy bank, and although it was a capacious craft he observed that +its two occupants were both crowded into one end. + +"I am sent to escort you back to dinner," he said blandly. + +"Tell zem ve shall be back in three minutes," replied the Baron, making +a prodigious show of preparation for coming ashore. + +"I am sorry to say that my orders were strictly to escort, not to herald +you," said the Count apologetically. + +Fortifying himself against unpopularity by the consciousness that he was +doing his duty, this well-principled, even if spurious, nobleman paced +back towards the house with the lady between him and the indignant +Baron. + +"Well, Tulliwuddle," he discoursed, in as friendly a tone as ever, "I +left your cards with our American neighbors." + +"So?" muttered the Baron stolidly. + +"They received me with open arms, and I have taken the liberty of +accepting on behalf of Mr., Mrs., and Miss Gallosh, and of our two +selves, a very cordial invitation to lunch with them to-morrow." + +"Impossible!" cried the Baron gruffly. + +Eva turned a reproachful eye upon him. + +"Oh, Lord Tulliwuddle! I should so like to go." + +The Baron looked at her blankly. + +"You vould!" + +"I have heard they are such nice people, and have such a beautiful +place!" + +"I can confirm both statements," said the Count heartily. + +"Besides, papa and mamma would be very disappointed if we didn't go." + +"Make it as you please," said the Baron gloomily. + +His unsuspicious hosts heard of the invitation with such outspoken +pleasure that their honored guest could not well renew his protest. He +had to suffer the arrangement to be made; but that night when he and +Bunker withdrew to their own room, the Count perceived the makings of an +argumentative evening. + +"Sometimes you interfere too moch," the Baron began without preamble. + +"Do you mind being a little more specific?" replied the Count with +smiling composure. + +"Zere vas no hurry to lonch mit Maddison." + +"I didn't name the date." + +"You might have said next veek." + +"By next week Miss Maddison may be snapped up by some one else." + +"Zen vould Tollyvoddle be more lucky! I have nearly got for him ze most +charming girl, mit as moch money as he vants. Ach, you do interfere! You +should gonsider ze happiness of Tollyvoddle." + +"That is the only consideration that affects yourself, Baron?" + +"Of course! I cannot marry more zan vonce." (Bunker thought he perceived +a symptom of a sigh.) "And I most be faithful to Alicia. I most! Ach, +yes, Bonker, do not fear for me! I am so constant as--ach, I most keep +faithful!" + +As he supplied this remarkable testimony to his own fidelity, the Baron +paced the floor with an agitation that clearly showed how firmly his +constancy was based. + +Nevertheless the Count was smiling oddly at something he espied upon the +mantelpiece, and stepping up to it he observed-- + +"Here is a singular phenomenon--a bunch of white heather that has got +itself tied together with ribbon!" + +The Baron started, and took the tiny bouquet from his hand, his eyes +sparkling with delight. + +"It must be a gift from----" he began, and then laid it down again, +though his gaze continued fixed upon it. "How did it gom in?" he mused. +"Ach! she most have brought it herself. How vary nice!" + +He turned suddenly and met his friend's humorous eyes. + +"I shall be faithful, Bonker! You can trust me!" he exclaimed; "I shall +put it in my letter to Alicia, and send it mit my love! See, Bonker!" + +He took a letter from his desk--its envelope still open--hurriedly +slipped in the white heather, and licked the gum while his resolution +was hot. Then, having exhibited this somewhat singular evidence of his +constancy, he sighed again. + +"It vas ze only safe vay," he said dolefully. "Vas I not right, Bonker?" + +"Quite, my dear Baron," replied the Count sympathetically. "Believe me, +I appreciate your self-sacrifice. In fact, it was to relieve the strain +upon your too generous heart that I immediately accepted Mr. Maddison's +invitation for to-morrow." + +"How so?" demanded the Baron with perhaps excusable surprise. + +"You will be able to decide at once which is the most suitable bride for +Tulliwuddle, and then, if you like, we can leave in a day or two." + +"Bot I do not vish to leave so soon!" + +"Well then, while you stay, you can at least make sure that you are +engaging the affections of the right girl." + +Though Bunker spoke with an air of desiring merely to assist his friend, +the speech seemed to arouse some furious thinking in the Baron's mind. + +For some moments he made no reply, and then at last, in a troubled +voice, he said-- + +"I have already a leetle gommitted Tollyvoddle to Eva. Ach, bot not +moch! Still it vas a leetle. Miss Maddison--vat is she like?" + +To the best of his ability the Count sketched the charms of Eleanor +Maddison--her enthusiasm for large and manly noblemen, and the probable +effects of the Baron's stalwart form set off by the tartan which (in +deference, he declared, to the Wraith's injunctions) he now invariably +wore. Also, he touched upon her father's colossal fortune, and the +genuine Tulliwuddle's necessities. + +The Baron listened with growing interest. + +"Vell," he said, "I soppose I most make a goot impression for ze sake of +Tollyvoddle. For instance, ven we drive up----" + +"Drive? my dear Baron, we shall march! Leave it to me; I have a very +pretty design shaping in my head." + +"Aha!" smiled the Baron; "my showman again, eh?" + +His expression sobered, and he added as a final contribution to the +debate-- + +"But I may tell you, Bonker, I do not eggspect to like Miss Maddison. +Ah, my instinct he is vonderful! It vas my instinct vich said. 'Chose +Miss Gallosh for Tollyvoddle!'" + + + +CHAPTER XIX + +While the Baron was thus loyally doing his duty, his Baroness, being +ignorant of the excellence of his purpose, and knowing only that he had +deceived her in one matter, and that the descent to Avernus is easy, +passed a number of very miserable days. That heart-breaking "us both" +kept her awake at nights and distraught throughout the day, and when for +a little she managed to explain the phrase away, and tried to anchor +her trust in Rudolph once more, the vision of the St. Petersburg window +overlooking the crops would come to shatter her confidence. She wrote +a number of passionate replies, but as the Baron in making his +arrangements with his Russian friend had forgotten to provide him with +his Scotch address, these letters only reached him after the events +of this chronicle had passed into history. Strange to say, her only +consolation was that neither her mother nor Sir Justin was able to +supply any further evidence of any kind whatsoever. One would naturally +suppose that the assistance they had gratuitously given would have +made her feel eternally indebted to them; but, on the contrary, she was +actually inconsistent enough to resent their head-shakings nearly as +much as her Rudolph's presumptive infidelity. So that her lot was indeed +to be deplored. + +At last a second letter came, and with trembling fingers, locked in her +room, the forsaken lady tore the curiously bulky envelope apart. Then, +at the sight of the enclosure that had given it this shape, her heart +lightened once more. + +"A sprig of white heather!" she cried. "Ah, he loves me still!" + +With eager eyes she next devoured the writing accompanying this token; +and as the Baron's head happened to be clearer when he composed this +second epistle, and his friend's hints peculiarly judicious, it conveyed +so plausible an account of his proceedings, and contained so many +expressions of his unaltered esteem, that his character was completely +reinstated in her regard. + +Having read every affectionate sentence thrice over, and given his +exceedingly interesting statements of fact the attention they deserved, +she once more took up the little bouquet and examined it more curiously +and intently. She even untied the ribbon, when, lo and behold! there +fell a tiny and tightly folded twist of paper upon the floor. Preparing +herself for a delicious bit of sentiment, she tenderly unfolded and +smoothed it out. + +"Verses!" she exclaimed rapturously; but the next instant her pleasure +gave place to a look of the extremest mystification. + +"What does this mean?" she gasped. + +There was, in fact, some excuse for her perplexity, since the precise +text of the enclosure ran thus: + + "TO LORD TULLIWUDDLE. + + "O Chieftain, trample on this heath + Which lies thy springing foot beneath! + It can recover from thy tread, + And once again uplift its head! + But spare, O Chief, the tenderer plant, + Because when trampled on, it can't! + "EVA." + + +Too confounded for coherent speculation, the Baroness continued to stare +at this baffling effusion. Who Lord Tulliwuddle and Eva were; why +this glimpse into their drama (for such it appeared to be) should be +forwarded to her; and where the Baron von Blitzenberg came into the +story--these, among a dozen other questions, flickered chaotically +through her mind for some minutes. Again and again she studied the +cryptogram, till at last a few definite conclusions began to crystallize +out of the confusion. That the "tenderer plant" symbolized the lady +herself, that she was a person to be regarded with extreme suspicion, +and that emphatically the bouquet was never originally intended for the +Baroness von Blitzenberg, all became settled convictions. The fact that +she knew Tulliwuddle to be an existing peerage afforded her some relief; +yet the longer she pondered on the problem of Rudolph's part in the +episode, the more uneasy grew her mind. + +Composing her face before the mirror till it resumed its normal +round-eyed placidity, she locked the letter and its contents in a safe +place, and sought out her mother. + +"Did you get any letter, dear, by the last post?" inquired the Countess +as soon as she had entered the room. + +"Nothing of importance, mamma." + +That so sweet and docile a daughter should stoop to deceit was +inconceivable. The Countess merely frowned her disappointment and +resumed the novel which she was beguiling the hours between eating and +eating again. + +"Mamma," said the Baroness presently, "can you tell me whether heather +is found in many other European countries?" + +The Countess raised her firmly penciled eyebrows. + +"In some, I believe. What a remarkable question, Alicia." + +"I was thinking about Russia," said Alicia with an innocent air. "Do you +suppose heather grows there?" + +The Countess remembered the floral symptoms displayed by Ophelia, and +grew a trifle nervous. + +"My child, what is the matter?" + +"Oh, nothing," replied Alicia hastily. + +A short silence followed, during which she was conscious of undergoing a +curious scrutiny. + +"By the way, mamma," she found courage to ask at length, "do you know +anything about Lord Tulliwuddle?" + +Lady Grillyer continued uneasy. These irrelevant questions undoubtedly +indicated a mind unhinged. + +"I was acquainted with the late Lord Tulliwuddle." + +"Oh, he is dead, then?" + +"Certainly." + +Alicia's face clouded for a moment, and then a ray of hope lit it again. + +"Is there a present Lord Tulliwuddle?" + +"I believe so. Why do you ask?" + +"I heard some one speak of him the other day." + +She spoke so naturally that her mother began to feel relieved. + +"Sir Justin Wallingford can tell you all about the family, if you are +curious," she remarked. + +"Sir Justin!" + +Alicia recoiled from the thought of him. But presently her curiosity +prevailed, and she inquired-- + +"Does he know them well?" + +"He inherited a place in Scotland a number of years ago, you +remember. It is somewhere near Lord Tulliwuddle's +place--Hech--Hech--Hech-something-or-other Castle. He was very well +acquainted with the last Tulliwuddle." + +"Oh," said Alicia indifferently, "I am not really interested. It was +mere idle curiosity." + +For the greater part of twenty-four hours she kept this mystery locked +within her heart, till at last she could contain it no longer. The +resolution she came to was both desperate and abruptly taken. At five +minutes to three she was resolved to die rather than mention that sprig +of heather to a soul; at five minutes past she was on her way to Sir +Justin Wallingford's house. + +"It may be going behind mamma's back," she said to herself; "but she +went behind mine when SHE consulted Sir Justin." + +It was probably in consequence of her urgent voice and agitated manner +that she came to be shown straight into Sir Justin's library, without +warning on either side, and thus surprised her counsellor in the act +of softly singing a well-known hymn to the accompaniment of a small +harmonium. He seemed for a moment to be a trifle embarrassed, and the +glance he threw at his footman appeared to indicate an early vacancy +in his establishment; but as soon as he had recovered his customary +solemnity his explanation reflected nothing but credit upon his +character. + +"The fact is," said he, "that I am shortly going to rejoin my daughter +in Scotland. You are aware of her disposition, Baroness?" + +"I have heard that she is inclined to be devotional." + +"She is devotional," answered this excellent man. "I have taken +considerable pains to see to it. As your mother and I have often agreed, +there is no such safeguard for a young girl as a hobby or mania of this +sort." + +"A hobby or mania?" exclaimed the Baroness in a pained voice. + +Sir Justin looked annoyed. He was evidently surprised to find that the +principles inculcated by his old friend and himself appeared to outlive +the occasion for which they were intended--to wit, the protection +of virgin hearts from undesirable aspirations till calm reason and a +husband should render them unnecessary. + +"I use the terms employed by the philosophical," he hastened to explain; +"but my own opinion is inclined to coincide with yours, my dear Alicia." + +This paternal use of her Christian name, coupled with the kindly tone of +his justification, encouraged the Baroness to open her business. + +"Sir Justin," she began, "can I trust you--may I ask you not to tell my +mother that I have visited you?" + +"If you can show me an adequate reason, you may rely upon my +discretion," said the ex-diplomatist cautiously, yet with an encouraging +smile. + +"In some things one would sooner confide in a man than a woman, Sir +Justin." + +"That is undoubtedly true," he agreed cordially. "You may confide in me, +Baroness." + +"I have heard from my husband again. I need not show you the letter; +it is quite satisfactory--oh, quite, I assure you! Only I found this +enclosed with it." + +In breathless silence she watched him examine critically first the +heather and then the verses. + +"Lord Tulliwuddle!" he exclaimed. "Is there anything in the Baron's +letter to throw any light upon this?" + +"Not one word--not the slightest hint." + +Again he studied the paper. + +"Oh, what does it mean?" she cried. "I came to you because you know all +about the Tulliwuddles. Where is Lord Tulliwuddle now?" + +"I am not acquainted with the present peer," he ansevered meditatively. +"In fact, I know singularly little about him. I did hear--yes, I heard +from my daughter some rumor that he was shortly expected to visit his +place in Scotland; but whether he went there or not I cannot say." + +"You can find out for me?" + +"I shall lose no time in ascertaining." + +The Baroness thanked him effusively, and rose to depart with a mind a +little comforted. + +"And you won't tell mamma?" + +"I never tell a woman anything that is of any importance." + +The Baroness was confirmed in her opinion that Sir Justin was not a very +nice man, but she felt an increased confidence in his judgment. + + + +CHAPTER XX + +From the gargoyled keep which the cultured enthusiasm of Eleanor and the +purse of her father had recently erected at Lincoln Lodge, the brother +and sister looked over a bend of the river, half a mile of valley road, +a wave of forest country, and the greater billows of the bare hillsides +towering beyond. But out of all this prospect it was only upon the +stretch of road that their eyes were bent. + +"Surely one should see their carriage soon!" exclaimed Eleanor. + +"Seems to me," said her brother, "that you're sitting something like a +cat on the pounce for this Tulliwuddle fellow. Why, Eleanor, I never +saw you so excited since the first duke came along. I thought that had +passed right off." + +"Oh, Ri, I was reading 'Waverley' again last night, and somehow I felt +the top of the keep was the only place to watch for a chief!" + +"Why, you don't expect him to be different from other people?" + +"Ri! I tell you I'll cry if he looks like any one I've ever seen before! +Don't you remember the Count said he moved like a pine in his native +forests?" + +"He won't make much headway like that," said Ri incisively. "I'd sooner +he moved like something more spry than a tree. I guess that Count was +talking through his hat." + +But his sister was not to be argued out of her exalted mood by such +prosaic reasoning. She exclaimed at his sluggish imagination, reiterated +her faith in the insinuating count's assurances, and was only withheld +from sending her brother down for a spy-glass by the reflection that she +could not remember reading of its employment by any maiden in analogous +circumstances. + +It was at this auspicious moment, when the heart of the expectant +heiress was inflamed with romantic fancies and excited with the suspense +of waiting, and before it had time to cool through any undue delay, that +a little cloud of dust first caught her straining eyes. + +"He comes at last!" she cried. + +At the same instant the faint strains of the pibroch were gently wafted +to her embattled tower. + +"He is bringing his piper! Oh, what a duck he is!" + +"Seems to me he is bringing a dozen of them," observed Ri. + +"And look, Ri! The sun is glinting upon steel! Claymores, Ri! oh, how +heavenly! There must be fifty men! And they are still coming! I do +believe he has brought the whole clan!" + +Too petrified with delight to utter another exclamation, she watched in +breathless silence the approach of a procession more formidable than +had ever escorted a Tulliwuddle since the year of Culloden. As they drew +nearer, her ardent gaze easily distinguished a stalwart figure in plaid +and kilt, armed to the teeth with target and claymore, marching with a +stately stride fully ten paces before his retinue. + +"The chief!" she murmured. + +Now indeed she saw there was no cause to mourn, for any one at all +resembling the Baron von Blitzenberg as he appeared at that moment she +had certainly never met before. Intoxicated with his finery and with the +terrific peals of melody behind him, he pranced rather than walked up to +the portals of Lincoln Lodge, and there, to the amazement and admiration +alike of his clansmen and his expectant host, he burst forth into the +following Celtic fragment, translated into English for the occasion by +his assiduous friend from a hitherto undiscovered manuscript of Ossian: + + "I am ze chieftain, + Nursed in ze mountains, + Behold me, Mac--ig--ig--ig ish! + +(Yet the Count had written this word very distinctly.) + + "Oich for ze claymore! + Hoch for ze philabeg! + Sons of ze red deers, + Children of eagles, + I will supply you + Mit Sassenach carcases!" + +At this point came a momentary lull, the chieftain's eyes rolling +bloodthirstily, but the rhapsody having apparently become congested +within his fiery heart. His audience, however, were not given time to +recover their senses, before a striking-looking individual, adorned with +tartan trews and a feathered hat, in whom all were pleased to recognize +Count Bunker, whispered briefly in his lordship's ear, and like a river +in spate he foamed on: + + "Donald and Ronald + Avake from your slumbers! + Maiden so lovely, + Smile mit your bright eyes! + Ze heather is blooming! + Ze vild cat is growling! + Hech Dummeldirroch! + Behold Tollyvoddle, + Ze Lord of ze Mountains!" + + +Hardly had the reverberations of the chieftain's voice died away, when +the Count, uttering a series of presumably Gaelic cries, advanced with +the most dramatic air, and threw his broad-sword upon the ground. The +Baron laid his across it, the pipes struck up a less formidable, but +if anything more exciting air, and the two noblemen, springing +simultaneously from the ground, began what the Count confidently trusted +their American hosts would accept as the national sworddance. + +This lasted for some considerable time, and gave the Count an +opportunity of testifying his remarkable agility and the Baron of +displaying the greater part of his generously proportioned limbs, while +the lung power of both became from that moment proverbial in the glen. + +At the conclusion of this ceremony the chieftain, crimson, breathless, +and radiant, a sight for gods and ladies, advanced to greet his host. + +"Very happy to see you, Lord Tulliwuddle," said Mr. Maddison. "Allow +me to offer you my very sincere congratulations on your exceedingly +interesting exhibition. Welcome to Lincoln Lodge, your lordship! My +daughter--my son." + +Eleanor, almost as flushed as the Baron by her headlong rush from the +keep at the conclusion of the sword-dance, threw him such a smile as +none of her admirers had ever enjoyed before; while he, incapable of +speech beyond a gasped "Ach!" bowed so low that the Count had gently +to adjust his kilt. Then followed the approach of the Gallosh family, +attired in costumes of Harris tweed and tartan selected and arranged +under the artistic eye of Count Bunker, and escorted, to their huge +delight, by six picked clansmen. Their formal presentation having been +completed by a last skirl on the bagpipes, the whole party moved in +procession to the banqueting-hall. + +"A complete success, I flatter myself," thought Count Bunker, with +excusable complacency. + +To the banquet itself it is scarcely possible for a mere mortal +historian to pay a fitting tribute. Every rarity known to the gourmet +that telegraph could summon to the table in time was served in course +upon course. Even the sweetmeats in the little gold dishes cost on an +average a dollar a bon-bon, while the wine was hardly less valuable than +liquid radium. Or at least such was the sworn information subsequently +supplied by Count Bunker to the reporter of "The Torrydhulish Herald." + +Eleanor was in her highest spirits. She sat between the Baron and +Mr. Gallosh, delighted with the honest pleasure and admiration of the +merchant, and all the time becoming more satisfied with the demeanor and +conversation of the chief. In fact, the only disappointment she felt was +connected with the appearance of Miss Gallosh. Much as she had desired a +confidante, she had never demanded one so remarkably beautiful, and she +could not but feel that a very much plainer friend would have served her +purpose quite as well--and indeed better. Once or twice she intercepted +a glance passing between this superfluously handsome lady and the +principal guest, until at last it occurred to her as a strange and +unseemly thing that Lord Tulliwuddle should be paying so long a visit +to his shooting tenants. Eva, on her part, felt a curiously similar +sensation. These American gentlemen were as pleasant as report had +painted them, but she now discovered an odd antipathy to American women, +or at least to their unabashed method of making themselves agreeable +to noblemen. It confirmed, indeed, the worst reports she had heard +concerning the way in which they raided the British marriage market. + +Being placed beside one of these lovely girls and opposite the +other, the Baron, one would think, would be in the highest state of +contentment; but though still flushed with his triumphant caperings over +the broadswords, and exhibiting a graciousness that charmed his hosts, +he struck his observant friend as looking a trifle disturbed at soul. +He would furtively glance across the table and then as furtively throw +a sidelong look at his neighbor, and each time he appeared to grow more +thoughtful. And yet he did not look precisely unhappy either. In +fact, there was a gleam in his eye during each of these glances which +suggested that both fell upon something he approved of. + +The after-luncheon procedure had been carefully arranged between the +two adventurers. The Count was to keep by the Baron's side, and, thus +supported, negotiations were to be delicately opened. Accordingly, when +the party rose, the Count whispered a word in Mr. Maddison's ear. The +millionaire answered with a grave, shrewd look, and his daughter, as if +perfectly grasping the situation, led the Galloshes out to inspect the +new fir forest. And then the two noblemen and the two Dariuses faced one +another over their cigars. + + + +CHAPTER XXI + +"Well, gentlemen," said Mr. Maddison, "pleasure is pleasure, and +business is business. I guess we mean to do a little of both to-day, if +you are perfectly disposed. What do you say, Count?" + +"I consider that an occasion selected by you, Mr. Maddison, is not to be +neglected." + +The millionaire bowed his acknowledgment of the compliment, and turned +to the Baron, who, it may be remarked, was wearing an expression of +thoughtful gravity not frequently to be noted at Hechnahoul. + +"You desire to say a few words to me, Lord Tulliwuddle, I understand. I +shall be pleased to hear them." + +With this both father and son bent such earnest brows on the Baron and +waited for his answer in such intense silence, that he began to regret +the absence of his inspiring pipers. + +"I vould like ze honor to address mine--mine----" + +He threw an imploring glance at his friend, who, without hesitation, +threw himself into the breach. + +"Lord Tulliwuddle feels the natural diffidence of a lover in adequately +expressing his sentiments. I understand that he craves your permission +to lay a certain case before a certain lady. I am right, Tulliwuddle?" + +"Pairfectly," said the Baron, much relieved; "to lay a certain case +before a certain lady. Zat is so, yes, exactly." + +Father and son glanced at one another. + +"Your delicacy does you honor, very great honor," said Mr. Maddison; +"but business is business, Lord Tulliwuddle, and I should like to hear +your proposition more precisely stated. In fact, sir, I like to know +just where I am." + +"That's just about right," assented Ri. + +"I vould perhaps vish to marry her." + +"Perhaps!" exclaimed the two together. + +Again the Count adroitly interposed-- + +"You mean that you do not intend to thrust your attentions upon an +unwilling lady?" + +"Yes, yes; zat is vat I mean." + +"I see," said Mr. Maddison slowly. "H'm, yes." + +"Sounds what you Scotch call 'canny,'" commented Ri shrewdly. + +"Well," resumed the millionaire, "I have nothing to say against that; +provided--provided, I say, that you stipulate to marry the lady so long +as she has no objections to you. No fooling around--that's all we want +to see to. Our time, sir, is too valuable." + +"That is so," said Ri. + +The Baron's color rose, and a look of displeasure came into his eyes, +but before he had time to make a retort that might have wrecked his +original's hopes, Bunker said quickly-- + +"Tulliwuddle places himself in your hands, with the implicit confidence +that one gentleman reposes in another." + +Gulping down his annoyance, the Baron assented-- + +"Yes, I vill do zat." + +Again father and son looked at one another, and this time exchanged a +nod. + +"That, sir, will satisfy us," said Mr. Maddison. "Ri, you may turn off +the phonograph." + +And thereupon the cessation of a loud buzzing sound, which the visitors +had hitherto attributed to flies, showed that their host now considered +he had received a sufficient guarantee of his lordship's honorable +intentions. + +"So far, so good," resumed Mr. Maddison. "I may now inform you, Lord +Tulliwuddle, that the reports about you which I have been able to gather +read kind of mixed, and before consenting to your reception within my +daughter's boudoir we should feel obliged if you would satisfy us that +the worst of them are not true--or, at least, sir, exaggerated." + +This time the Baron could not restrain an exclamation of displeasure. + +"Vat, sir!" he cried, addressing the millionaire. "Do you examine me on +my life!" + +"No, sir," said Ri, frowning his most determined frown. "It is to ME you +will be kind enough to give any explanation you have to offer! Dad may +be the spokesman, but I am the inspirer of these interrogations. My +sister, sir, the purest girl in America, the most beautiful creature +beneath the star-spangled banner of Columbia, is not going to be the +companion of dissolute idleness and gilded dishonor--not, sir, if _I_ +know it." + +Too confounded by this unusual warning to think of any adequate retort, +the Baron could only stare his sensations; while Mr. Maddison, taking +up the conversation the instant his son had ceased, proceeded in a +deliberate and impressive voice to say-- + +"Yes, sir, my son--and I associate myself with him--my son and I, sir, +would be happy to learn that it is NOT the case as here stated" (he +glanced at a paper in his hand), "namely, Item 1, that you sup rather +too frequently with ladies--I beg your pardon, Count Bunker, for +introducing the theme--with ladies of the theatrical profession." + +"I!" gasped the Baron. "I do only vish I sometimes had ze cha----" + +"Tulliwuddle!" interrupted the Count. "Don't let your natural +indignation carry you away! Mr. Maddison, that statement is not true. I +can vouch for it." + +"Ach, of course it is not true," said the Baron more calmly, as he began +to realize that it was not his own character that was being aspersed. + +"I am very glad to hear it," continued Mr. Maddison, who apparently did +not share the full austerity of his son's views, since without further +question he hurried on to the next point. + +"Item 2, sir, states that at least two West End firms are threatening +you with proceedings if you do not discharge their accounts within a +reasonable time." + +"A lie!" declared the Baron emphatically. + +"Will you be so kind as to favor us with the name of the individual who +is thus libelling his lordship?" demanded the Count with a serious air. + +Mr. Maddison hastily put the paper back in his pocket, and with a glance +checked his son's gesture of protest. + +"Guess we'd better pass on to the next thing, Ri. I told you it wasn't +any darned use just asking. But you boys always think you know better +than your Poppas," said he; and then, turning to the Count, "It +isn't worth while troubling, Count; I'll see that these reports get +contradicted, if I have to buy up a daily paper and issue it at a +halfpenny. Yes, sir, you can leave it to me." + +The Count glanced at his friend, and they exchanged a grave look. + +"Again we place ourselves in your hands," said Bunker. + +Though considerably impressed with these repeated evidences of +confidence on the part of two such important personages, their host +nevertheless maintained something of his inquisitorial air as he +proceeded-- + +"For my own satisfaction, Lord Tulliwuddle, and meaning to convey no +aspersion whatsoever upon your character, I would venture to inquire +what are your views upon some of the current topics. Take any one you +like, sir, so long as it's good and solid, and let me hear what you have +to say about it. What you favor us with will not be repeated beyond this +room, but merely regarded by my son and myself as proving that we are +getting no dunder-headed dandy for our Eleanor, but an article of +real substantial value--the kind of thing they might make into a +Lord-lieutenant or a Viceroy in a bad year." + +Tempting in every way as this suggestion sounded, his lordship +nevertheless appeared to find a little initial difficulty in choosing a +topic. + +"Speak out, sir," said Mr. Maddison in an encouraging tone. "Our +standard for noblemen isn't anything remarkably high. With a duke I'd be +content with just a few dates and something about model cottages, and, +though a baron ought to know a little more than that, still we'll count +these feudal bagpipers and that ancestral hop-scotch performance as a +kind of set-off to your credit. Suppose you just say a few words on the +future of the Anglo-Saxon race. What you've learned from the papers will +do, so long as you seem to understand it." + +Perceiving that his Teutonic friend looked a trifle dismayed at this +selection, Count Bunker suggested the Triple Alliance as an alternative. + +"That needs more facts, I guess," said the millionaire; "but it will be +all the more creditable if you can manage it." + +The Baron cleared his throat to begin, and as he happened (as the Count +was well aware) to have the greatest enthusiasm for this policy, and to +have recently read the thirteen volumes of Professor Bungstrumpher +on the subject, he delivered a peroration so remarkable alike for its +fervor, its facts, and its phenomenal length, that when, upon a gentle +hint from the Count, he at last paused, all traces of objection had +vanished from the minds of Darius P. Maddison, senior and junior. + +"I need no longer detain you, Lord Tulliwuddle," said the millionaire +respectfully. "Ri, fetch your sister into her room. Your lordship, I +have received an intellectual treat. I am very deeply gratified, sir. +Allow me to conduct you to my daughter's boudoir." + +Flushed with his exertions and his triumph though the Baron was, he yet +remembered so vividly the ordeal preceding the oration that as they went +he whispered in his friend's ear: + +"Ah, Bonker, stay mit me, I pray you! If she should ask more questions! + +"Mr. Maddison, ze Count will stay mit me." + +Though a little surprised at this arrangement, which scarcely accorded +with his lordship's virile appearance and dashing air, Mr. Maddison +was by this time too favorably disposed to question the wisdom of +any suggestion he might make, and accordingly the two friends found +themselves closeted together in Miss Maddison's sanctum awaiting the +appearance of the heiress. + +"Shall I remain through the entire interview?" asked the Count. + +"Oh yes, mine Bonker, you most! Or--vell, soppose it gets unnecessary +zen vill I cry 'By ze Gad!' and you vill know to go." + +"'By the Gad'? I see." + +"Or--vell, not ze first time, but if I say it tree times, zen vill you +make an excuse." + +"Three times? I understand, Baron." + + + +CHAPTER XXII + +In the eye of the heiress, as in her father's, might be noted a shade of +surprise at finding two gentlemen instead of one. But though the Count +instantly perceived his superfluity, and though it had been his greatest +ambition throughout his life to add no shade to the dullness with which +he frequently complained that life was overburdened, yet his sense of +obligation to his friend was so strong that he preferred to bore rather +than desert. As the only compensation he could offer, he assumed the +most retiring look of which his mobile features were capable, and +pretended to examine one of the tables of curios. + +"Lord Tulliwuddle, I congratulate you on the very happy impression you +have made!" began Eleanor with the most delightful frankness. + +But his lordship had learned to fear the Americans, even bearing +compliments. + +"So?" he answered stolidly. + +"Indeed you have! Ri is just wild about your cleverness." + +"Zat is kind of him." + +"He declares you are quite an authority on European politics. Now you +will be able to tell me----" + +"Ach, no! I shall not to-day, please!" interrupted the Baron hurriedly. + +The heiress seemed disconcerted. + +"Oh, not if you'd rather not, Lord Tulliwuddle." + +"Not to-day." + +"Well!" + +She turned with a shrug and cast her eyes upon the wall. + +"How do you like this picture? It's my latest toy. I call it just +sweet!" + +He cautiously examined the painting. + +"It is vary pretty." + +"Do you know Romney's work?" + +The Baron shrank back. + +"Not again to-day, please!" + +Miss Maddison opened her handsome eyes to their widest. + +"My word!" she cried. "If these are Highland manners, Lord Tulliwuddle!" + +In extreme confusion the Baron stammered-- + +"I beg your pardon! Forgif me--but--ach, not zose questions, please!" + +Relenting a little, she inquired + +"What may I ask you, then? Do tell me! You see I want just to know all +about you." + +With an affrighted gesture the Baron turned to his friend. + +"Bonker," said he, "she does vant to know yet more about me! Vill you +please to tell her." + +The Count looked up from the curios with an expression so bland that the +air began to clear even before he spoke. + +"Miss Maddison, I must explain that my friend's proud Highland spirit +has been a little disturbed by some inquiries, made in all good faith +by your father. No offence, I am certain, was intended; erroneous +information--a little hastiness in jumping to conclusions--a sensitive +nature wounded by the least insinuation--such were the unfortunate +causes of Tulliwuddle's excusable reticence. Believe me, if you knew +all, your opinion of him would alter very, very considerably!" + +The perfectly accurate peroration to this statement produced an +immediate effect. + +"What a shame!" cried Eleanor, her eyes sparkling brightly. "Lord +Tulliwuddle, I am so sorry!" + +The Baron looked into these eyes, and his own mien altered perceptibly. +For an instant he gazed, and then in a low voice remarked-- + +"By ze Gad!" + +"Once!" counted the conscientious Bunker. + +"Lord Tulliwuddle," she continued, "I declare I feel so ashamed of those +stupid men, I could just wring their necks! Now, just to make us quits, +you ask me anything in the world you like!" + +Over his shoulder the Baron threw a stealthy glance at his friend, but +this time he did not invoke his assistance. Instead, he again murmured +very distinctly-- + +"By ze Gad!" + +"Twice!" counted Bunker. + +"Miss Maddison," said the Baron to the flushed and eager girl, "am I +to onderstand zat you now are satisfied zat I am not too vicked, too +suspeecious, too unvorthy of your charming society? I do not say I am +yet vorthy--bot jost not too bad!" + +Had the Baroness at that moment heard merely the intonation of his +voice, she would undoubtedly have preferred a Chinese prison. + +"Indeed, Lord Tulliwuddle, you may." + +"By ze Gad!" announced the Baron, in a voice braced with resolution. + +"May I take the liberty of inspecting the aviary?" said the Count. + +"With the very greatest pleasure," replied the heiress kindly. + +His last distinct impression as he withdrew was of the Baron giving his +mustache a more formidable twirl. + +"A very pretty little scene," he reflected, as he strolled out in search +of others. "Though, hang me, I'm not sure if it ended in the right man +leaving the stage!" + +This "second-fiddle feeling," as he styled it humorously to himself, +was further increased by the demeanor of Miss Gallosh, to whom he now +endeavored to make himself agreeable. Though sharing the universal +respect felt for the character and talents of the Count, she was +evidently too perturbed at seeing him appear alone to appreciate his +society as it deserved. Ever since luncheon poor Eva's heart had been +sinking. The beauty, the assurance, the cleverness, and the charm of the +fabulously wealthy American heiress had filled her with vague misgivings +even while the gentlemen were safely absent; but when Miss Maddison was +summoned away, and her father and brother took her place, her uneasiness +vastly increased. Now here was the last buffer removed between the +chieftain and her audacious rival (so she already counted her). What +drama could these mysterious movements have been leading to? + +In vain did Count Bunker exercise his unique powers of conversation. +In vain did he discourse on the beauties of nature as displayed in +the wooded valley and the towering hills, and the beauties of art as +exhibited in the aviary and the new fir forest. Eva's thoughts were +too much engrossed with the beauties of woman, and their dreadful +consequences if improperly used. + +"Is--is Miss Maddison still in the house?" she inquired, with an effort +to put the question carelessly. + +"I believe so," said the Count in his kindest voice. + +"And--and--that isn't Lord Tulliwuddle with my father, is it?" + +"I believe not," said the Count, still more sympathetically. + +She could no longer withhold a sigh, and the Count tactfully turned +the conversation to the symbolical eagle arrived that morning from Mr. +Maddison's native State. + +They had passed from the aviary to the flower garden, when at last they +saw the Baron and Eleanor appear. She joined the rest of the party, +while he, walking thoughtfully in search of his friend, advanced +in their direction. He raised his eyes, and then, to complete Eva's +concern, he started in evident embarrassment at discovering her there +also. To do him justice, he quickly recovered his usual politeness. Yet +she noticed that he detained the Count beside him and showed a curious +tendency to discourse solely on the fine quality of the gravel and the +advantages of having a brick facing to a garden wall. + +"My lord," said Mr. Gallosh, approaching them, "would you be thinking of +going soon? I've noticed Mr. Maddison's been taking out his watch verra +frequently." + +"Certainly, certainly!" cried my lord. "Oh, ve have finished all ve have +come for." + +Eva started, and even Mr. Gallosh looked a trifle perturbed. + +"Yes," added the Count quickly, "we have a very good idea of the heating +system employed. I quite agree with you: we can leave the rest to your +engineer." + +But even his readiness failed to efface the effects of his friend's +unfortunate admission. + +Farewells were said, the procession reformed, the pipers struck up, and +amidst the heartiest expressions of pleasure from all, the chieftain +and his friends marched off to the spot where (out of sight of Lincoln +Lodge) the forethought of their manager had arranged that the carriages +should be waiting. + +"Well," said Bunker, when they found themselves in their room again, +"what do you think of Miss Maddison?" + +The Baron lit a cigar, gazed thoughtfully and with evident satisfaction +at the daily deepening shade of tan upon his knees, and then answered +slowly-- + +"Vell, Bonker, she is not so bad." + +"Ah," commented Bunker. + +"Bot, Bonker, it is not vat I do think of her. Ach, no! It is not for +mein own pleasure. Ach, nein! How shall I do my duty to Tollyvoddle? Zat +is vat I ask myself." + +"And what answer do you generally return?" + +"Ze answer I make is," said the Baron gravely and with the deliberation +the point deserved--"Ze answer is zat I shall vait and gonsider vich +lady is ze best for him." + +"The means you employ will no doubt include a further short personal +interview with each of them?" + +"Vun short! Ach, Bonker, I most investigate mit carefulness. No, no; I +most see zem more zan zat." + +"How long do you expect the process will take you?" + +For the first time the Baron noticed with surprise a shade of impatience +in his friend's voice. + +"Are you in a horry, Bonker?" + +"My dear Baron, I grudge no man his sport--particularly if he is careful +to label it his duty. But, to tell the truth, I have never played +gamekeeper for so long before, and I begin to find that picking up your +victims and carrying them after you in a bag is less exhilarating to-day +than it was a week ago. I wouldn't curtail your pleasure for the world, +my dear fellow! But I do ask you to remember the poor keeper." + +"My dear friend," said the Baron cordially, "I shall remember! It shall +take bot two or tree days to do my duty. I shall not be long." + + "A day or two of sober duty, + Then, Hoch! for London, home, and beauty!" + +trolled the Count pleasantly. + +The Baron did not echo the "Hoch"; but after retaining his thoughtful +expression for a few moments, a smile stole over his face, and he +remarked in an absent voice-- + +"Vun does not alvays need to go home to find beauty." + +"Yes," said the Count, "I have always held it to be one of the +advantages of travel that one learns to tolerate the inhabitants of +other lands." + + + +CHAPTER XXIII + +"Ach, you are onfair," exclaimed the Baron. "Really?" said Eva, with a +sarcastic intonation he had not believed possible in so sweet a voice. + +It was the day following the luncheon at Lincoln Lodge, and they were +once more seated in the shady arbor: this time the Count had guaranteed +not only to leave them uninterrupted by his own presence, but to protect +the garden from all other intruders. Everything, in fact, had presaged +the pleasantest of tete-a-tetes. But, alas! the Baron was learning that +if Amaryllis pouts, the shadiest corner may prove too warm. Why, he was +asking himself, should she exhibit this incomprehensible annoyance? What +had he done? How to awake her smiles again? + +"I do not forget my old friends so quickly," he protested. "No, I do +assure you! I do not onderstand vy you should say so." + +"Oh, we don't profess to be old FRIENDS, Lord Tulliwuddle! After all, +there is no reason why you shouldn't turn your back on us as soon as you +see a newer--and more amusing--ACQUAINTANCE." + +"But I have not turned my back!" + +"We saw nothing else all yesterday." + +"Ah, Mees Gallosh, zat is not true! Often did I look at you!" + +"Did you? I had forgotten. One doesn't treasure every glance, you know." + +The Baron tugged at his mustache and frowned. + +"She vill not do for Tollyvoddle," he said to himself. + +But the next instant a glance from Eva's brilliant eyes--a glance +so reproachful, so appealing, and so stimulating, that there was no +resisting it--diverted his reflections into quite another channel. + +"Vat can I do to prove zat I am so friendly as ever?" he exclaimed. + +"So FRIENDLY?" she repeated, with an innocently meditative air. + +"So vary parteecularly friendly!" + +Her air relented a little--just enough, in fact, to make him ardently +desire to see it relent still further. + +"You promise things to me, and then do them for other people's benefit." + +The Baron eagerly demanded a fuller statement of this abominable charge. + +"Well," she said, "you told me twenty times you would show me something +really Highland--that you'd kill a deer by torchlight, or hold a +gathering of the clans upon the castle lawn. All sorts of things you +offered to do for me, and the only thing you have done has been for the +sake of your NEW friends! You gave THEM a procession and a dance." + +"But you did see it too!" he interrupted eagerly. + +"As part of your procession," she retorted scornfully. "We felt much +obliged to you--especially as you were so attentive to us afterwards!" + +"I did not mean to leave you," exclaimed the Baron weakly. "It was jost +zat Miss Maddison----" + +"I am not interested in Miss Maddison. No doubt she is very charming; +but, really, she doesn't interest me at all. You were unavoidably +prevented from talking to us--that is quite sufficient for me. I excuse +you, Lord Tulliwuddle. Only, please, don't make me any more promises." + +"Eva! Ach, I most say 'Eva' jost vunce more! I am going to leave my +castle, to leave you, and say good-by." + +She started and looked quickly at him. + +"Bot before I go I shall keep my promise! Ve shall have ze pipers, and +ze kilts, and ze dancing, and toss ze caber, and fling ze hammer, and it +shall be on ze castle lawn, and all for your sake! Vill you not forgive +me and be friends?" + +"Will it really be all for my sake?" + +She spoke incredulously, yet looked as if she were willing to be +convinced. + +"I swear it vill!" + +The latter part of this interview was so much more agreeable than the +beginning that when the distant rumble of the luncheon gong brought +it to an end at last they sighed, and for fully half a minute lingered +still in silence. If one may dare to express in crude language a +maiden's unspoken, formless thought, Eva's might be read--"There is yet +a moment left for him to say the three short words that seem to hang +upon his tongue!" While on his part he was reflecting that he had +another duologue arranged for that very afternoon, and that, for +the simultaneous suitor of two ladies, an open mind was almost +indispensable. + +"Then you are going for a drive with the Count Bunker this afternoon?" +she asked, as they strolled slowly towards the house. + +"For a leetle tour in my estate," he answered easily. + +"On business, I suppose?" + +"Yes, vorse luck!" + +He knew not whether to feel more relieved or embarrassed to find that he +evidently rose in her estimation as a conscientious landlord. + +. . . . . . + +"You are having a capital day's sport, Baron," said the Count gaily, as +they drew near Lincoln Lodge. + +During their drive the Baron had remained unusually silent. He now +roused himself and said in a guarded whisper-- + +"Bonker, vill you please to give ze coachman some money not to say jost +vere he did drive us." + +"I have done so," smiled the Count. + +His friend gratefully grasped his hand and curled his mustache with an +emboldened air. + +A similar display of address on the part of Count Bunker resulted in the +Baron's finding himself some ten minutes later alone with Miss Maddison +in her sanctuary. But, to his great surprise, he was greeted with none +of the encouraging cordiality that had so charmed him yesterday. The +lady was brief in her responses, critical in her tone, and evidently +disposed to quarrel with her admirer on some ground at present +entirely mysterious. Indeed, so discouraging was she that at length he +exclaimed-- + +"Tell me, Miss Maddison--I should not have gom to-day? You did not vish +to see me. Eh?" + +"I certainly was perfectly comfortable without you, Lord Tulliwuddle," +said the heiress tartly. + +"Shall I go avay?" + +"You have come here entirely for your own pleasure; and the moment you +begin to feel tired there is nothing to hinder you going home again." + +"You vere more kind to me yesterday," said the Baron sadly. + +"I did not learn till after you had gone how much I was to blame for +keeping you so long away from your friends. Please do not think I shall +repeat the offence." + +There was an accent on the word "friends" that enlightened the +bewildered nobleman, even though quickness in taking a hint was not his +most conspicuous attribute. That the voice of gossip had reached the +fair American was only too evident; but though considerably annoyed, he +could not help feeling at the same time flattered to see the concern he +was able to inspire. + +"My friends!" said he with amorous artfulness. + +"Do you mean Count Bunker? He is ze only FRIEND I have here mit me." + +"The ONLY friend? Indeed!" + +"Zat is since I see you vill not treat me as soch." + +Upon these lines a pretty little passage-of-arms ensued, the Baron +employing with considerable effect the various blandishments of which +he was admitted a past master; the heiress modifying her resentment by +degrees under their insidious influence. Still she would not entirely +quit her troublesome position, till at last a happy inspiration came to +reinforce his assaults. Why, he reflected, should an entertainment that +would require a considerable outlay of money and trouble serve to win +the affections of only one girl? With the same expenditure of ammunition +it might be possible to double the bag. + +"Miss Maddison," he said with a regretful air, "I did come here to-day +in ze hope----But ach!" + +So happily had he succeeded in whetting her curiosity that she +begged--nay, insisted--that he should finish his sentence. + +"If you had been kind I did hope zat you vould allow me to give in your +honor an entertainment at my castle." + +"An entertainment!" she cried, with a marked increase of interest. + +"Jost a leetle EXPOSITION of ze Highland sport, mit bagpipes and caber +and so forth; unvorthy of your notice perhaps, bot ze best I can do." + +Eleanor clapped her hands enthusiastically. + +"I should just love it!" + +The triumphant diplomatist smiled complacently. + +"Bonker vill arrange it all nicely," he said to himself. + +And there rose in his fancy such a pleasing and gorgeous picture of +himself in the panoply of the North, hurling a hammer skywards amidst +the plaudits of his clan and the ravished murmurs of the ladies, that +he could not but congratulate himself upon this last master-stroke of +policy. For if instead of ladies there were only one lady, exactly +half the pleasure would be lacking. So generous were this nobleman's +instincts! + +During their drive to Lincoln Lodge the Baron had hesitated to broach +his new project to his friend for the very reason that, after the glow +of his first enthusiastic proposal to Eva was over, it seemed to him a +vast undertaking for a limited object; but driving home he lost no time +in confiding his scheme to the Count. + +"The deuce!" cried Bunker. "That will mean three more days here at +least!" + +"Vat is tree days, mine Bonker?" + +"My dear Baron, I am the last man in the world to drop an unpleasant +hint; yet I can't help thinking we have been so unconscionably lucky up +till now that it would be wise to retire before an accident befalls us." + +"Vat kind of accident?" + +"The kind that may happen to the best regulated adventurer." + +The Baron pondered. When Bunker suggested caution it indeed seemed time +to beat a retreat; yet--those two charming ladies, and that alluring +tartan tableau! + +"Ach, let ze devil take ze man zat is afraid!" he exclaimed at last. +"Bonker, it vill be soch fun!" + +"Watching you complete two conquests?" + +"Be not impatient, good Bonker!" + +"My dear fellow, if you could find me one girl--even one would content +me--who would condescend to turn her eyes from the dazzling spectacle of +Baron Tulliwuddle, and cast them for so much as half an hour a day upon +his obscure companion, I might see some fun in it too." + +The Baron, with an air of patronizing kindness that made his +fellow-adventurer's lot none the easier to bear, answered reassuringly-- + +"Bot I shall leave all ze preparations to be made by you; you vill not +have time zen to feel lonely." + +"Thank you, Baron; you have the knack of conferring the most princely +favors." + +"Ach, I am used to do so," said the Baron simply, and then burst out +eagerly, "Some feat you must design for me at ze sports so zat I can +show zem my strength, eh?" + +"With the caber, for instance?" + +The Baron had seen the caber tossed, and he shook his head. + +"He is too big." + +"I might fit a strong spring in one end." + +But the Baron still seemed disinclined. His friend reflected, and then +suddenly exclaimed-- + +"The village doctor keeps some chemical apparatus, I believe! You'll +throw the hammer, Baron. I can manage it." + +The Baron appeared mystified by the juxtaposition of ideas, but serenely +expressed himself as ready to entrust this and all other arrangements +for the Hechnahoul Gathering to the ingenious Count, as some small +compensation for so conspicuously outshining him. + + + +CHAPTER XXIV + +The day of the Gathering broke gray and still, and the Baron, who was no +weather prophet, declared gloomily-- + +"It vill rain. Donnerwetter!" + +A couple of hours later the sun was out, and the distant hills +shimmering in the heat haze. + +"Himmel! Ve are alvays lucky, Bonker!" he cried, and with gleeful +energy brandished his dumb-bells in final preparation for his muscular +exploits. + +"We certainly have escaped hanging so far," said the Count, as he drew +on the trews which became his well-turned leg so happily. + +His arrangements were admirable and complete, and by twelve o'clock the +castle lawn looked as barbarically gay as the colored supplement to +an illustrated paper. Pipes were skirling, skirts fluttering, flags +flapping; and as invitations had been issued to various magnates in the +district, whether acquainted with the present peer or not, there were +to be seen quite a number of dignified personages in divers shades of +tartan, and parasols of all the hues in the rainbow. The Baron was in +his element. He judged the bagpipe competition himself, and held one +end of the tape that measured the jumps, besides delighting the whole +assembled company by his affability and good spirits. + +"Your performance comes next, I see," said Eleanor Maddison, throwing +him her brightest smile. "I can't tell you how I am looking forward to +seeing you do it!" + +The Baron started and looked at the programme in her hand. He had been +too excited to study it carefully before, and now for the first time he +saw the announcement (in large type)-- + +"7. Lord Tulliwuddle throws the 85-lb. hammer." + +The sixth event was nearly through, and there--there evidently was the +hammer in question being carried into the ring by no fewer than three +stalwart Highlanders! The Baron had learned enough of the pastimes of +his adopted country to be aware that this gigantic weapon was something +like four times as heavy as any hammer hitherto thrown by the hardiest +Caledonian. + +"Teufel! Bonker vill make a fool of me," he muttered, and hastily +bursting from the circle of spectators, hurried towards the Count, who +appeared to be busied in keeping the curious away from the Chieftain's +hammer. + +"Bonker, vat means zis?" he demanded. + +"Your hammer," smiled the Count. + +"A hammer zat takes tree men----" + +"Hush!" whispered the Count. "They are only holding it down!" + +The Baron laid his hand upon the round enormous head, and started. + +"It is not iron!" he gasped. "It is of rubber." + +"Filled with hydrogen," breathed the Count in his ear. "Just swing it +once and let go--and, I say, mind it doesn't carry you away with it." + +The chief bared his arms and seized the handle; his three clansmen let +go; and then, with what seemed to the breathless spectators to be a +merely trifling effort of strength, he dismissed the projectile upon +the most astounding journey ever seen even in that land of brawny +hammer-hurlers. Up, up, up it soared, over the trees; high above the +topmost turret of the castle, and still on and on and ever upwards till +it became a mere speck in the zenith, and at last faded utterly from +sight. + +Then, and not till then, did the pent-up applause break out into such +a roar of cheering as Hechnahoul had never heard before in all its long +history. + +"Eighty-five pounds of pig-iron gone straight to heaven!" gasped the +Silver King. "Guess that beats all records!" + +"America must wake up!" frowned Ri. + +Meanwhile the Baron, after bowing in turn towards all points of the +compass, turned confidentially to his friend. + +"Vill not ze men that carried it----?" + +"I've told 'em you'd give 'em a couple of sovereigns apiece." + +The Baron came from an economical nation. + +"Two to each!" + +"My dear fellow, wasn't it worth it?" + +The Baron grasped his hand. + +"Ja, mine Bonker, it vas! I vill pay zem." + +Radiant and smiling, he returned to receive the congratulations of his +guests, dreaming that his triumph was complete, and that nothing more +arduous remained than pleasant dalliance alternately with his Eleanor +and his Eva. But he speedily discovered that hurling an inflated +hammer heavenwards was child's play as compared with the simultaneous +negotiation of a double wooing. The first person to address him was the +millionaire, and he could not but feel a shiver of apprehension to note +that he was evidently in the midst of a conversation with Mr. Gallosh. + +"I must congratulate you, Lord Tulliwuddle," said Mr. Maddison, "and I +must further congratulate my daughter upon the almost miraculous feat +you have performed for her benefit. You know, I dare say"--here he +turned to Mr. Gallosh--"that this very delightful entertainment was +given primarily in my Eleanor's honor?" + +"Whut!" exclaimed the merchant. "That's--eh--that's scarcely the fac's +as we've learned them. But his lordship will be able to tell you best +himself." + +His lordship smiled affably upon both, murmured something incoherent, +and passed on hastily towards the scarlet parasol of Eleanor. But he had +no sooner reached it than he paused and would have turned had she not +seen him, for under a blue parasol beside her he espied, too late, the +fair face of Eva, and too clearly perceived that the happy maidens had +been comparing notes, with the result that neither looked very happy +now. + +"I hope you do enjoy ze sports," he began, endeavoring to distribute +this wish as equally as possible. + +"Miss Gallosh has been remarkably fortunate in her weather," said +Eleanor, and therewith gave him an uninterrupted view of her sunshade. + +"Miss Maddison has seen you to great advantage, Lord Tulliwuddle," said +Eva, affording him the next instant a similar prospect of silk. + +The unfortunate chief recoiled from this ungrateful reception of his +kindness. Only one refuge, one mediator, he instinctively looked for; +but where could the Count have gone? + +"Himmel! Has he deserted me?" he muttered, frantically elbowing his way +in search of him. + +But this once it happened that the Count was engaged upon business +of his own. Strolling outside the ring of spectators, with a view +to enjoying a cigar and a little relaxation from the anxieties of +stage-management, his attention had been arrested in a singular and +flattering way. At that place where he happened to be passing stood an +open carriage containing a girl and an older lady, evidently guests from +the neighborhood personally unknown to his lordship, and just as he +went by he heard pronounced in a thrilling whisper--"THAT must be Count +Bunker!" + +The Count was too well-bred to turn at once, but it is hardly necessary +to say that a few moments later he casually repassed the carriage; nor +will it astonish any who have been kind enough to follow his previous +career with some degree of attention to learn that when opposite the +ladies he paused, looked from them to the enclosure and back again, and +presently raising his feathered bonnet, said in the most ingratiating +tones-- + +"Pardon me, but I am requested by Lord Tulliwuddle to show any attention +I can to the comfort of his guests. Can you see well from where you +are?" + +The younger lady with an eager air assured him that they saw perfectly, +and even in the course of the three or four sentences she spoke he was +able to come to several conclusions regarding her: that her companion +was in a subsidiary and doubtless salaried position; that she herself +was decidedly attractive to look upon; that her voice had spoken the +whispered words; and that her present animated air might safely be +attributed rather to the fact that she addressed Count Bunker than to +the subject-matter of her reply. + +No one possessed in a higher degree than the Count the nice art of +erecting a whole conversation upon the foundation of the lightest +phrase. He contrived a reply to the lady's answer, was able to put the +most natural question next, to follow that with a happy stroke of wit, +and within three minutes to make it seem the most obvious thing in the +world that he should be saying + +"I am sure that Lord Tulliwuddle will never forgive me if I fail to +learn the names of any visitors who have honored him to-day." + +"Mine," said the girl, her color rising slightly, but her glance as kind +as ever, "is Julia Wallingford. This is my friend Miss Minchell." + +The Count bowed. + +"And may I introduce myself as a friend of Tulliwuddle's, answering to +the name of Count Bunker." + +Again Miss Wallingford's color rose. In a low and ardent voice she began + +"I am so glad to meet you! Your name is already----" + +But at that instant, when the Count was bending forward to catch the +words and the lady bending down to utter them, a hand grasped him by the +sleeve, and the Baron's voice exclaimed, + +"Come, Bonker, quickly here to help me!" + +He would fain have presented his lordship to the ladies, but the Baron +was too hurried to pause, and with a parting bow he was reluctantly +borne off to assist his friend out of his latest dilemma. + +"Pooh, my dear Baron!" he cried, when the situation was explained to +him; "you couldn't have done more damage to their hearts if you had +hurled your hammer at them! A touch of jealousy was all that was +needed to complete your conquests. But for me you have spoiled the most +promising affair imaginable. There goes their carriage trotting down the +drive! And I shall probably never know whether my name was already in +her heart or in her prayers. Those are the two chief receptacles for +gentlemen's names, I believe--aren't they, Baron?" + +On his advice the rival families were left to the soothing influences of +a good dinner and a night's sleep, and he found himself free to ponder +over his interrupted adventure. + +"Undoubtedly one feels all the better for a little appreciation," he +reflected complacently. "I wonder if it was my trews that bowled her +over?" + + + +CHAPTER XXV + +The Count next morning consumed a solitary breakfast, his noble friend +having risen some hours previously and gone for an early walk upon the +hill. But he was far from feeling any trace of boredom, since an open +letter beside his plate appeared to provide him with an ample fund of +pleasant and entertaining reflections. + +"I have not withered yet," he said to himself. "Here is proof positive +that some blossom, some aroma remains!" + +The precise terms of this encouraging epistle were these: + + +"THE LASH, near NETHERBRIG. + +"Tuesday night. + +"DEAR COUNT BUNKER,--Forgive what must seem to you INCREDIBLE boldness +(!), and do not think worse of me than I deserve. It seems such a pity +that you should be so near and yet that I should lose this chance of +gratifying my great desire. If you knew how I prized the name of Bunker +you would understand; but no doubt I am only one among many, and you do +understand better than I can explain. + +"My father is away from home, and the WORLD dictates prudence; but +I know your views on conventionality are those I too have learned to +share, so will you come and see me before you leave Scotland? + +"With kindest regards and in great haste because I want you to get this +to-morrow morning. Believe me, yours very sincerely, + +"JULIA WALLINGFORD." + + +"P.S.--If it would upset your arrangements to come only for the day, +Miss Minchell agrees with me that we could easily put you up.--J. W." + + +"By Jingo!" mused the Count, "that's what I call a sporting offer. Her +father away from home, and Count Bunker understanding better than she +can explain! Gad, it's my duty to go!" + +But besides the engaging cordiality of Miss Wallingford's invitation, +there was something about the letter that puzzled almost as much as it +cheered him. + +"She prizes the name of Bunker, does she? Never struck me it was very +ornamental; and in any case the compliment seems a trifle stretched. +But, hang it! this is looking a gift-horse in the mouth. Such ardor +deserves to be embraced, not dissected." + +He swiftly debated how best to gratify the lady. Last night it had been +his own counsel, and likewise the Baron's desire, to leave by the night +mail that very evening, with their laurels still unfaded and blessings +heaped upon their heads. Why not make his next stage The Lash? + +"Hang it, the Baron has had such a good innings that he can scarcely +grudge me a short knock," he said to himself. "He can wait for me at +Perth or somewhere." + +And, ringing the bell, he wrote and promptly despatched this brief +telegram: + +"Delighted. Shall spend to-night in passing. Bunker." + +Hardly was this point settled when the footman re-entered to inform +him that Mr. Maddison's motor car was at the door waiting to convey him +without delay to Lincoln Lodge. Accompanying this announcement came the +Silver King's card bearing the words, "Please come and see me at once." + +The Count stroked his chin, and lit a cigarette. + +"There is something fresh in the wind," thought he. + +In the course of his forty-miles-an-hour rush through the odors of pine +woods, he had time to come to a pretty correct conclusion regarding +the business before him, and was thus enabled to adopt the mien most +suitable to the contingency when he found himself ushered into the +presence of the millionaire and his son. The set look upon their faces, +the ceremonious manner of their greeting, and the low buzzing of the +phonograph, audible above the tinkle of a musical box ingeniously +intended to drown it, confirmed his guess even before a word had passed. + +"Be seated, Count," said the Silver King; and the Count sat. + +"Now, sir," he continued, "I have sent for you, owing, sir, to the high +opinion I have formed of your intelligence and business capabilities." + +The Count bowed profoundly. + +"Yes, sir, I believe, and my son believes, you to be a white man, even +though you are a Count." + +"That is so," said Ri. + +"Now, sir, you must be aware--in fact, you ARE aware--of the matrimonial +project once entertained between my daughter and Lord Tulliwuddle." + +"Once!" exclaimed the Count in protest. + +"ONCE!" echoed Ri in his deepest voice. + +"Hish, Ri! Let your poppa do the talking this time," said the +millionaire sternly, though with an indulgent eye. + +"But--er--ONCE?" repeated the Count, as if bewildered by the past tense +implied; though to himself he murmured--"I knew it!" + +"When I gave my sanction to Lord Tulliwuddle's proposition, I did +so under the impression that I was doing a deal with a man, sir, of +integrity and honor. But what do I find?" + +"Yes, what?" thundered Ri. + +"I find, sir, that his darned my-lordship--and be damned to his +titles----" + +"Mr. Maddison!" expostulated the Count gently. + +"I find, Count, I find that Lord Tulliwuddle, under pretext of paying +my Eleanor a compliment, has provided an entertainment--a musical and +athletic entertainment--for another woman!" + +The Count sprang to his feet. + +"Impossible!" he cried. + +"It is true!" + +"Name her!" + +"She answers, sir, to the plebeian cognomen of Gallosh." + +"A nobody!" sneered Ri. + +"In trade!" added his father scornfully. + +Had the occasion been more propitious, the Count could scarcely have +refrained from commenting upon this remarkably republican criticism; +but, as it was, he deemed it more advisable to hunt with the hounds. + +"That canaille!" he shouted. "Ha, ha! Lord Tulliwuddle would never so +far demean himself!" + +"I have it from old Gallosh himself," declared Mr. Maddison. + +"And that girl Gallosh told Eleanor the same," added Ri. + +"Pooh!" cried the Count. "A mere invention." + +"You are certain, sir, that Lord Tulliwuddle gave them no grounds +whatever for supposing such a thing?" + +"I pledge my reputation as Count of the Austrian Empire, that if +my friend be indeed a Tulliwuddle he is faithful to your charming +daughter!" + +Father and son looked at him shrewdly. + +"Being a Tulliwuddle, or any other sort of pampered aristocrat, doesn't +altogether guarantee faithfulness," observed the Silver King. + +"If he has deceived you, he shall answer to ME!" declared the Count. +"And between ourselves, as nature's gentleman to nature's gentleman, you +may assure Miss Maddison that there is not the remotest likelihood of +this scheming Miss Gallosh ever becoming my friend's bride!" + +The two Dariuses were sensibly affected by this assurance. + +"As nature's gentleman to nature's gentleman!" repeated the elder with +unction, wringing his hand. + +His son displayed an equal enthusiasm, and the Count departed with an +enhanced reputation and the lingering fragrance of a cocktail upon his +tongue. + +"Now I think we are in comparatively smooth water," he said to himself +as he whizzed back to the castle. + +At the door he was received by the butler. + +"Mr. Gallosh is waiting for you in the library, my lord," said he, +adding confidentially (since the Count had endeared himself to all), +"He's terrible impatient for to see your lordship." + + + +CHAPTER XXVI + +Evidently Mr. Gallosh, while waiting for the Count's return, had so +worked up his wrath that it was ready to explode on a hair-trigger +touch; and, as evidently, his guest's extreme urbanity made it +exceedingly difficult to carry out his threatening intentions. + +"I want a word with you, Count. I've been wanting a word with you all +morning," he began. + +"Believe me, Mr. Gallosh, I appreciate the compliment." + +"Where were you? I mean it was verra annoying not to find you when I +wanted you." + +The merchant was so evidently divided between anxiety to blurt out his +mind while it was yet hot from the making up, and desire not to affront +a guest and a man of rank, that the Count could scarcely restrain a +smile. + +"It is equally annoying to myself. I should have enjoyed a conversation +with you at any hour since breakfast." + +"Umph," replied his host. + +"What can I do for you now?" + +Mr. Gallosh looked at him steadfastly. + +"Count Bunker," said he, "I am only a plain man----" + +"The ladies, I assure you, are not of that opinion," interposed the +Count politely. + +Mr. Gallosh seemed to him to receive this compliment with more suspicion +than pleasure. + +"I'm saying," he repeated, "that I'm only a plain man of business, and +you and your friend are what you'd call swells." + +"God forbid that I should!" the Count interjected fervently. "'Toffs,' +possibly--but no matter, please continue." + +"Well, now, so long as his lordship likes to treat me and my family as +kind of belonging to a different sphere, I'm well enough content. I make +no pretensions, Count, to be better than what I am." + +"I also, Mr. Gallosh, endeavor to affect a similar modesty. It's rather +becoming, I think, to a fine-looking man." + +"It's becoming to any kind of man that he should know his place. But I +was saying, I'd have been content if his lordship had been distant and +polite and that kind of thing. But was he? You know yourself, Count, how +he's behaved!" + +"Perfectly politely, I trust." + +"But he's not been what you'd call distant, Count Bunker. In fac', the +long and the short of it is just this--what's his intentions towards my +Eva?" + +"Is it Mrs. Gallosh who desires this information?" + +"It is. And myself too; oh, I'm not behindhand where the reputation of +my daughters is concerned!" + +"Mrs. G. has screwed him up to this," said the Count to himself. Aloud, +he asked with his blandest air-- + +"Was not Lord Tulliwuddle available himself?" + +"No; he's gone out." + +"Alone?" + +"No, not alone." + +"In brief, with Miss Gallosh?" + +"Quite so; and what'll he be saying to her?" + +"He is a man of such varied information that it's hard to guess." + +"From all I hear, there's not been much variety so far," said Mr. +Gallosh drily. + +"Dear me!" observed the Count. + +His host looked at him for a few moments. + +"Well?" he demanded at length. + +"Pardon me if I am stupid, but what comment do you expect me to make?" + +"Well, you see, we all know quite well you're more in his lordship's +confidence than any one else in the house, and I'd take it as a favor if +you'd just give me your honest opinion. Is he just playing himself--or +what?" + +The worthy Mr. Gallosh was so evidently sincere, and looked at him with +such an appealing eye, that the Count found the framing of a suitable +reply the hardest task that had yet been set him. + +"Mr. Gallosh, if I were in Tulliwuddle's shoes I can only say that I +should consider myself a highly fortunate individual; and I do sincerely +believe that that is his own conviction also." + +"You think so?" + +"I do indeed." + +Though sensibly relieved, Mr. Gallosh still felt vaguely conscious that +if he attempted to repeat this statement for the satisfaction of his +wife, he would find it hard to make it sound altogether as reassuring +as when accompanied by the Count's sympathetic voice. He ruminated for a +minute, and then suddenly recalled what the Count's evasive answers and +sympathetic assurances had driven from his mind. Yet it was, in fact, +the chief occasion of concern. + +"Do you know, Count Bunker, what his lordship has gone and done?" + +"Should one inquire too specifically?" smiled the Count; but Mr. Gallosh +remained unmoved. + +"You can bear me witness that he told us he was giving this gathering in +my Eva's honor?" + +"Undoubtedly." + +"Well, he went and told Miss Maddison it was for her sake?" + +"Incredible!" + +"It's a fact!" + +"I refuse to believe my friend guilty of such perfidy! Who told you +this?" + +"The Maddisons themselves." + +"Ha, ha!" laughed the Count, as heartily as he had laughed at Lincoln +Lodge; "don't you know these Americans sometimes draw the long bow?" + +"You mean to say you don't believe they told the truth?" + +"My dear Mr. Gallosh, I would answer you in the oft-quoted words of +Horace--'Arma virumque cano.' The philosophy of a solar system is some +times compressed within an eggshell. Say nothing and see!" + +He shook his host heartily by the hand as he spoke, and Mr. Gallosh, +to his subsequent perplexity, found the interview apparently at a +satisfactory conclusion. + +"And now," said the Count to himself, "'Bolt!' is the word." + +As he set about his packing in the half-hour that yet remained before +luncheon, he was surprised to note that his friend had evidently left no +orders yet concerning any preparations for his departure. + +"Confound him! I thought he had made up his mind last night! Ah, +there he comes--and singing, too, by Jingo! If he wants another day's +dalliance----" + +At this point his reflections were interrupted by the entrance of the +jovial Baron himself. He stopped and stared at his friend. + +"Vat for do you pack up?" + +"Because we leave this afternoon." + +"Ach, Bonker, absurd! To-morrow--yes, to-morrow ve vill leave." + +Bunker folded his arms and looked at him seriously. + +"I have had two interviews this morning--one with Mr. Maddison, the +other with Mr. Gallosh. They were neither of them pleased with you, +Baron." + +"Not pleased? Vat did zey say?" + +Depicting the ire of these gentlemen in the most vivid terms, the Count +gave him a summary of his morning's labors. + +"Pooh, pooh! Tuts, tuts!" exclaimed the Baron. "I vill make zat all +right; never do you fear. Eva, she does smile on me already. Eleanor, +she vill also ven I see her. Leave it to me." + +"You won't go to-day?" + +"To-morrow, Bonker, I swear I vill for certain!" + +Bonker pondered. + +"Hang it!" he exclaimed. "The worst of it is, I've pledged myself to go +upon a visit." + +The Baron listened to the tale of his incipient romance with the +greatest relish. + +"Bot go, my friend! Bot go!" he cried, "and zen come back here to-morrow +and ve vill leave togezzer." + +"Leave you alone, with the barometer falling and the storm-cone hoisted? +I don't like to, Baron." + +"Bot to leave zat leetle girl--eh, Bonker? How is zat?" + +"Was ever a man so torn between two duties!" exclaimed the conscientious +Count. + +"Ladies come first!" quoth the Baron. + +Bunker was obviously strongly tending to this opinion also. + +"Can I trust you to guide your own destinies without me?" + +The Baron drew himself up with a touch of indignation. + +"Am I a child or a fool? I have guided mine destiny vary vell so far, +and I zink I can still so do. Ven vill you go to see Miss Wallingford?" + +"I'll hire a trap from the village after lunch and be off about four," +said the Count. "Long live the ladies! Learn wisdom by my example! Will +this tie conquer her, do you think?" + +In this befitting spirit he drove off that afternoon, and the Baron, +after waving his adieus from the door, strode brimful of confidence +towards the drawing-room. His thoughts must have gone astray, for he +turned by accident into the wrong room--a small apartment hardly used +at all; and before he had time to turn back he stopped petrified at the +sight of a picture on the wall. There could be no mistake--it was the +original of that ill-omened print he had seen in the Edinburgh hotel, +"The Execution of Lord Tulliwuddle." The actual title was there plain to +see. + +"Zen it vas not a hoax!" he gasped. + +His first impulse was to look for a bicycle and tear after the dog-cart. + +"But can I ride him in a kilt?" he reflected. + +By the time he had fully debated this knotty point his friend was miles +upon his way, and the Baron was left ruefully to lament his rashness in +parting with such an ally. + + + +CHAPTER XXVII + +During the horrid period of suspense that followed her visit to Sir +Justin, the Baroness von Blitzenberg naturally enough felt disinclined +to go much into society, and in fact rarely went out at all during the +Baron's absence, except to the houses of one or two of her mother's +particular friends. Even then she felt much more inclined to stay at +home. + +"Need we go to Mrs. Jerwin-Speedy's to-night?" she said one afternoon. + +"Certainly," replied the Countess decisively. + +Alicia sighed submissively; but this attitude was abruptly changed into +one of readiness, nay, even of alacrity, when her mother remarked-- + +"By the way, she is an aunt of the present Tulliwuddle. I believe it was +you who were asking about him the other day." + +"Was I?" said the Baroness carelessly; but she offered no further +objections to attending Mrs. Jerwin-Speedy's reception. + +She found there a large number of people compressed into a couple of +small rooms, and she soon felt so lost in the crush of strangers, and +the chances of obtaining any information about Lord Tulliwuddle or his +Eva seemed so remote, that she soon began to wish herself comfortably at +home again, even though it were only to fret. But fortune, which had so +long been unkind to her and indulgent to her erring spouse, chose that +night as the turning-point in her tide of favors. Little dreaming how +much hung on a mere introduction, Mrs. Jerwin-Speedy led up to the +Baroness an apparently nervous and diffident young man. + +"Let me introduce my nephew, Lord Tulliwuddle--the Baroness von +Blitzenberg," said she; and having innocently hurled this bomb, retired +from further participation in the drama. + +With young and diffident men Alicia had a pleasant instinct for +conducting herself as smilingly as though they were the greatest wits +about the town. The envious of her sex declared that it was because she +scarcely recognized the difference; but be that as it may, it served her +on this occasion in the most admirable stead. She detached the agitated +peer from the thickest of the throng, propped him beside her against the +wall, and by her kindness at length unloosed his tongue. Then it was +she began to suspect that his nervous manner must surely be due to some +peculiar circumstance rather than mere constitutional shyness. Made +observant by her keen curiosity, she noticed at first a worried, almost +hunted, look in his eyes and an extreme impatience of scrutiny by +his fellow-guests; but as he gained confidence in her kindness and +discretion these passed away, and he appeared simply a garrulous young +man, with a tolerably good opinion of himself. + +"Poor fellow! He is in trouble of some kind. Something to do with Eva, +of course!" she said to her sympathetically. + +The genuine Tulliwuddle had indeed some cause for perturbation. After +keeping himself out of the way of all his friends and most of his +acquaintances ever since the departure of his substitute, hearing +nothing of what was happening at Hechnahoul, and living in daily dread +of the ignominious exposure of their plot, he had stumbled by accident +against his aunt, explained his prolonged absence from her house with +the utmost difficulty, and found himself forced to appease her wounded +feelings by appearing where he least wished to be seen--in a crowded +London reception-room. No wonder the unfortunate young man seemed +nervous and ill at ease. + +As for Alicia, she was consumed with anxiety to know why he was here +and not in Scotland, as Sir Justin had supposed; and, indeed, to learn +a number of things. And now they were rapidly getting on sufficiently +familiar terms for her to put a tactful question or two. Encouraged by +her sympathy, he began to touch upon his own anxieties. + +"A young man ought to get married, I suppose," he remarked +confidentially. + +The Baroness smiled. + +"That depends on whether he likes any one well enough to marry her, +doesn't it?" + +He sighed. + +"Do you think--honestly now," he said solemnly, "that one should marry +for love or marry for money?" + +"For love, certainly!" + +"You really think so? You'd advise--er--advise a fellow to blow the +prejudices of his friends, and that sort of thing?" + +"I should have to know a little more about the case." + +He was evidently longing for a confidant. + +"Suppose er--one girl was ripping, but--well--on the stage, for +instance." + +"On the stage!" exclaimed the Baroness. "Yes, please go on. What about +the other girl?" + +"Suppose she had simply pots of money, but the fellow didn't know much +more about her?" + +"I certainly shouldn't marry a girl I didn't know a good deal about," +said the Baroness with conviction. + +Lord Tulliwuddle seemed impressed with this opinion. + +"That's just what I have begun to think," said he, and gazed down at his +pumps with a meditative air. + +The Baroness thought the moment had come when she could effect a pretty +little surprise. + +"Which of them is called Eva?" she asked archly. + +To her intense disappointment he merely stared. + +"Don't you really know any girl called Eva?" + +He shook his head. + +"Can't think of any one." + +Suspicion, fear, bewilderment, made her reckless. + +"Have you been in Scotland--at your castle, as I heard you were going?" + +A mighty change came over the young man. He backed away from her, +stammering hurriedly, + +"No--yes--I--er--why do you ask me that?" + +"Is there any other Lord Tulliwuddle?" she demanded breathlessly. + +He gave her one wild look, and then without so much as a farewell had +turned and elbowed his way out of the room. + +"It's all up!" he said to himself. "There's no use trying to play that +game any longer--Essington has muddled it somehow. Well, I'm free to do +what I like now!" + +In this state of mind he found himself in the street, hailed the first +hansom, and drove headlong from the dangerous regions of Belgravia. + +. . . . . . + +Till the middle of the next day the Baroness still managed to keep her +own counsel, though she was now so alarmed that she was twenty times on +the point of telling everything to her mother. But the arrival of a note +from Sir Justin ended her irresolution. It ran thus: + + +"MY DEAR ALICIA,--I have just learned for certain that Lord T. is at his +place in Scotland. Singularly enough, he is described as apparently of +foreign extraction, and I hear that he is accompanied by a friend of the +name of Count Bunker. I am just setting out for the North myself, and +trust that I may be able to elucidate the mystery. Yours very truly, + +"JUSTIN WALLINGFORD." + + +"Foreign extraction! Count Bunker!" gasped the Baroness; and without +stopping to debate the matter again, she rushed into her mother's arms, +and there sobbed out the strange story of her second letter and the two +Lord Tulliwuddles. + +It were difficult to say whether anger at her daughter's deceit, +indignation with the treacherous Baron, or a stern pleasure in finding +her worst prognostications in a fair way to being proved, was the +uppermost emotion in Lady Grillyer's mind when she had listened to this +relation. Certainly poor Alicia could not but think that sympathy for +her troubles formed no ingredient in the mixture. + +"To think of your concealing this from me for so long!" she cried: "and +Sir Justin abetting you! I shall tell him very plainly what I think +of him! But if my daughter sets an example in treachery, what can one +expect of one's friends?" + +"After all, mamma, it was my own and Rudolph's concern more than +your's!" exclaimed Alicia, flaring up for an instant. + +"Don't answer me, child!" thundered the Countess. "Fetch me a railway +time-table, and say nothing that may add to your sin!" + +"A time-table, mamma? What for?" + +"I am going to Scotland," pronounced the Countess. + +"Then I shall go too!" + +"Indeed you shall not. You will wait here till I have brought Rudolph +back to you." + +The Baroness said nothing aloud, but within her wounded heart she +thought bitterly, + +"Mamma seems to forget that even worms will turn sometimes!" + + + +CHAPTER XXVIII + +"A decidedly delectable residence," said Count Bunker to himself as +his dog-cart approached the lodge gates of The Lash. "And a very proper +setting for the pleasant scenes so shortly to be enacted. Lodge, avenue, +a bogus turret or two, and a flagstaff on top of 'em--by Gad, I think +one may safely assume a tolerable cellar in such a mansion." + +As he drove up the avenue between a double line of ancient elms and +sycamores, his satisfaction increased and his spirits rose ever higher. + +"I wonder if I can forecast the evening: a game of three-handed bridge, +in which I trust I'll be lucky enough to lose a little silver, that'll +put 'em in good-humor and make old Miss What-d'ye-may-call-her the more +willing to go to bed early; then the departure of the chaperon; and then +the tete-a-tete! I hope to Heaven I haven't got rusty!" + +With considerable satisfaction he ran over the outfit he had brought, +deeming it even on second thoughts a singularly happy selection: the +dining coat with pale-blue lapels, the white tie of a new material +and cut borrowed from the Baron's finery, the socks so ravishingly +embroidered that he had more than once caught the ladies at Hechnahoul +casting affectionate glances upon them. + +"A first-class turn-out," he thought. "And what a lucky thing I thought +of borrowing a banjo from young Gallosh! A coon song in the twilight +will break the ground prettily." + +By this time they had stopped before the door, and an elderly +man-servant, instead of waiting for the Count, came down the steps to +meet him. In his manner there was something remarkably sheepish and +constrained, and, to the Count's surprise, he thrust forth his hand +almost as if he expected it to be shaken. Bunker, though a trifle +puzzled, promptly handed him the banjo case, remarking pleasantly-- + +"My banjo; take care of it, please." + +The man started so violently that he all but dropped it upon the steps. + +"What the deuce did he think I said?" wondered the Count. "'Banjo' can't +have sounded 'dynamite.'" + +He entered the house, and found himself in a pleasant hall, where his +momentary uneasiness was at once forgotten in the charming welcome +of his hostess. Not only she, but her chaperon, received him with a +flattering warmth that realized his utmost expectations. + +"It was so good of you to come!" cried Miss Wallingford. + +"So very kind," murmured Miss Minchell. + +"I knew you wouldn't think it too unorthodox!" added Julia. + +"I'm afraid orthodoxy is a crime I shall never swing for," said the +Count, with his most charming smile. + +"I am sure my father wouldn't REALLY mind," said Julia. + +"Not if Sir Justin shared your enthusiasm, dear," added Miss Minchell. + +"I must teach him to!" + +"Good Lord!" thought the Count. "This is friendly indeed." + +A few minutes passed in the exchange of these preliminaries, and then +his hostess said, with a pretty little air of discipleship that both +charmed and slightly puzzled him, + +"You do still think that nobody should dine later than six, don't you? I +have ordered dinner for six to-night." + +"Six!" exclaimed the Count, but recovering himself, added, "An ideal +hour--and it is half-past five now. Perhaps I had better think of +dressing." + +"What YOU call dressing!" smiled Julia, to his justifiable amazement. +"Let me show you to your room." + +She led him upstairs, and finally stopped before an open door. + +"There!" she said, with an air of pride. "It is really my father's +bedroom when he is at home, but I've had it specially prepared for YOU! +Is it just as you would like?" + +Bunker was incapable of observing anything very particularly beyond the +fact that the floor was uncarpeted, and as nearly free from furniture as +a bedroom floor could well be. + +"It is ravishing!" he murmured, and dismissed her with a well-feigned +smile. + +Bereft even of expletives, he gazed round the apartment prepared for +him. It was a few moments before he could bring himself to make a tour +of its vast bleakness. + +"I suppose that's what they call a truckle-bed," he mused. "Oh, there +is one chair--nothing but cold water-towels made of vegetable fibre +apparently. The devil take me, is this a reformatory for bogus +noblemen!" + +He next gazed at the bare whitewashed wall. On it hung one picture--the +portrait of a strangely attired man. + +"What a shocking-looking fellow!" he exclaimed, and went up to examine +it more closely. + +Then, with a stupefying shock, he read this legend beneath it: + +"Count Bunker. Philosopher, teacher, and martyr." + +For a minute he stared in rapt amazement, and then sharply rang the +bell. + +"Hang it," he said to himself, "I must throw a little light on this +somehow!" + +Presently the elderly man-servant appeared, this time in a state of +still more obvious confusion. For a moment he stared at the Count--who +was too discomposed by his manner to open his lips--and then, once more +stretching out his hand, exclaimed in a choked voice and a strong Scotch +accent-- + +"How are ye, Bunker!" + +"What the deuce!" shouted the Count, evading the proffered hand-shake +with an agile leap. + +The poor fellow turned scarlet, and in an humble voice blurted out-- + +"She told me to do it! Miss Julia said ye'd like me to shake hands and +just ca' ye plain Bunker. I beg your pardon, sir; oh, I beg your pardon +humbly!" + +The Count looked at him keenly. + +"He is evidently telling the truth," he thought. + +Thereupon he took from his pocket half a sovereign. + +"My good fellow," he began. "By the way, what's your name?" + +"Mackenzie, sir." + +"Mackenzie, my honest friend, I clearly perceive that Miss Wallingford, +in her very kind efforts to gratify my unconventional tastes, has +put herself to quite unnecessary trouble. She has even succeeded in +surprising me, and I should be greatly obliged if you would kindly +explain to me the reasons for her conduct, so far as you can." + +At this point the half-sovereign changed hands. + +"In the first place," resumed the Count, "what is the meaning of this +remarkably villainous portrait labelled with my name?" + +"That, sir," stammered Mackenzie, greatly taken aback by the inquiry. +"Why, sir, that's the famous Count Bunker--your uncle, sir, is he no'?" + +Bunker began to see a glimmer of light, though the vista it illumined +was scarcely a much pleasanter prospect than the previous bank of fog. +He remembered now, for the first time since his journey north, that the +Baron, in dubbing him Count Bunker, had encouraged him to take the +title on the ground that it was a real dignity once borne by a famous +personage; and in a flash he realized the pitfalls that awaited a +solitary false step. + +"THAT my uncle!" he exclaimed with an air of pleased surprise, examining +the portrait more attentively; "by Gad, I suppose it is! But I can't say +it is a flattering likeness. 'Philosopher, teacher, and martyr'--how apt +a description! I hadn't noticed that before, or I should have known at +once who it was." + +Still Mackenzie was looking at him with a perplexed and uneasy air. + +"Miss Wallingford, sir, seems under the impression that you would +be wanting jist the same kind of things as he likit," he remarked +diffidently. + +The Count laughed. + +"Hence the condemned cell she's put me in? I see! Ha, ha! No, Mackenzie, +I have moved with the times. In fact, my uncle's philosophy and +teachings always struck me as hardly suitable for a gentleman." + +"I was thinking that mysel'," observed Mackenzie. + +"Well, you understand now how things are, don't you? By the way, you +haven't put out my evening clothes, I notice." + +"You werena to dress, sir, Miss Julia said." + +"Not to dress! What the deuce does she expect me to dine in?" + +With a sheepish grin Mackenzie pointed to something upon the bed which +the Count had hitherto taken to be a rough species of quilt. + +"She said you might like to wear that, sir." + +The Count took it up. + +"It appears to be a dressing-gown!" said he. + +"She said, sir, your uncle was wont to dine in it." + +"Ah! It's one of my poor uncle's eccentricities, is it? Very nice of +Miss Wallingford; but all the same I think you can put out my evening +clothes for me; and, I say, get me some hot water and a couple of +towels that feel a little less like sandpaper, will you? By the way--one +moment, Mackenzie!--you needn't mention anything of this to Miss +Wallingford. I'll explain it all to her myself." + +It is remarkable how the presence or absence of a few of the very minor +accessories of life will affect the humor even of a man so essentially +philosophical as Count Bunker. His equanimity was most marvelously +restored by a single jugful of hot water, and by the time he came to +survey his blue lapels in the mirror the completest confidence shone in +his humorous eyes. + +"How deuced pleased she'll be to find I'm a white man after all," he +reflected. "Supposing I'd really turned out a replica of that unshaved +heathen on the wall--poor girl, what a dull evening she'd have spent! +Perhaps I'd better break the news gently for the chaperon's sake, but +once we get her of to bed I rather fancy the fair Julia and I will smile +together over my dear uncle's dressing-gown!" + +And in this humor he strode forth to conquer. + + + +CHAPTER XXIX + +Count Bunker could not but observe that Miss Wallingford's eyes +expressed more surprise than pleasure when he entered the drawing-room, +and he was confirmed in his resolution to let his true character appear +but gradually. Afterwards he could not congratulate himself too heartily +on this prudent decision. + +"I fear," he said, "that I am late." (It was in fact half-past six by +now.) "I have been searching through my wardrobe to find some nether +garments at all appropriate to the overall--if I may so term it--which +you were kind enough to lay out for me. But I found mustard of that +particular shade so hard to match that I finally decided in favor of +this more conventional habit. I trust you don't mind?" + +Both the ladies, though evidently disappointed, excused him with much +kindness, and Miss Minchell alluded directly to his blue lapels as +evidence that even now he held himself somewhat aloof from strict +orthodoxy. + +"May we see any allusion to your uncle, the late Count Bunker, in his +choice of color?" she asked in a reverently hushed voice. + +"Yes," replied the Count readily; "my aunt's stockings were of that +hue." + +From the startled glances of the two ladies it became plain that the +late Count Bunker had died a bachelor. + +"My other aunt," he exclaimed unabashed; yet nevertheless it was with +decided pleasure that he heard dinner announced immediately afterwards. + +"They seem to know something about my uncle," he said to himself. "I +must glean a few particulars too." + +A horrible fear lest his namesake might have dined solely upon herbs, +and himself be expected to follow his example, was pleasantly dissipated +by a glance at the menu; but he confessed to a sinking of his heart when +he observed merely a tumbler beside his own plate and a large brown jug +before him. + +"Good heavens!" he thought, "do they imagine an Austrian count is +necessarily a beer drinker?" + +With a sigh he could not quite smother, he began to pour the contents +into his glass, and then set it down abruptly, emitting a startled +exclamation. + +"What is the matter?" cried Julia sympathetically. + +Her eyes (he was embarrassed to note) followed his every movement like a +dog's, and her apprehension clearly was extreme. + +"This seems to be water," smiled the Count, with an effort to carry off +their error as pleasantly for them as possible. + +"Isn't it good water?" asked Julia with an air of concern. + +It was the Count's turn to open his eyes. + +"You have concluded then that I am a teetotaler?" + +"Of course, we know you are!" + +"If we may judge by your prefaces," smiled Miss Minchell. + +The Count began to realize the hazards that beset him; but his spirit +stoutly rose to meet the shock of the occasion. + +"There is no use in attempting to conceal my idiosyncrasies, I see," +he answered. "But to-night, will you forgive me if I break through +the cardinal rule of my life and ask you for a little stimulant? My +doctor----" + +"I see!" cried Miss Wallingford compassionately. "Of course, one can't +dispute a doctor's orders. What would you like?" + +"Oh, anything you have. He did recommend champagne--if it was good; but +anything will do." + +"A bottle of the VERY best champagne, Mackenzie!" + +The dinner now became an entirely satisfactory meal. Inspired by his +champagne and by the success of his audacity in so easily surmounting +all difficulties, the Count delighted his hostesses by the vivacity and +originality of his conversation. On the one hand, he chose topics not +too flippant in themselves and treated them with a becomingly serious +air; on the other, he carefully steered the talk away from the +neighborhood of his uncle. + +"By the time I fetch out my banjo they'll have forgotten all about him," +he said to himself complacently. + +Knowing well the importance of the individual factor in all the +contingencies of life, he set himself, in the meanwhile, to study with +some attention the two ladies beside him. Miss Minchell he had already +summarized as an agreeable nonentity, and this impression was only +confirmed on better acquaintance. It was quite evident, he perceived, +that she was dragged practically unresisting in Miss Wallingford's +wake--even to the length of abetting the visit of an unknown bachelor in +the absence of Miss Wallingford's parent. + +As for Julia, he decided that she was even better-looking and more +agreeable than he had at first imagined; though, having the gayest of +hearts himself, he was a trifle disconcerted to observe the uniform +seriousness of her ideas. How one could reconcile her ecstatic +enthusiasm for the ideal with her evident devotion to himself he was at +a loss to conceive. + +"However, we will investigate that later," he thought. + +But first came a more urgent question: Had his uncle and his "prefaces" +committed him to forswear tobacco? He resolved to take the bull by the +horns. + +"I hope you will not be scandalized to learn that I have acquired the +pernicious habit of smoking?" he said as they rose from the table. + +"I told you he was smoking a cigar at Hechnahoul!" cried Miss Minchell +with an air of triumph. + +"I thought you were mistaken," said Julia, and the Count could see that +he had slipped a little from his pedestal. + +This must not be permitted; yet he must smoke. + +"Of course I don't smoke REAL tobacco!" he exclaimed. + +"Oh, in that case," cried Julia, "certainly then you may smoke in the +drawing-room. What is it you use?" + +"A kind of herb that subdues the appetites, Miss Wallingford." + +He could see at a glance that he was more firmly on his pedestal than +ever. + + + +CHAPTER XXX + +"I have been longing for this moment!" said Julia softly. + +The Count and she were seated over the drawing-room fire, Bunker in +an easy-chair, smoking one of the excellent cigars which he had so +grievously slandered, Julia upon a stool by his knees, her face suffused +with the most intense expression of rapture. Miss Minchell was in the +background, shrouded in shadow, purporting to be enjoying a nap; yet the +Count could not but think that in so large a house a separate +apartment might well have been provided for her. Her presence, he felt, +circumscribed his actions uncomfortably. + +"So have I!" he murmured, deeming this the most appropriate answer. + +"Now we can talk about HIM!" + +He started, but preserved his composure. + +"Couldn't we keep HIM till morning?" he suggested. + +"But that is why you are here!" + +She spoke as if this were self-evident; while the Count read himself a +thousand lessons upon the errors vanity is apt to lead one into. Yet his +politeness remained unruffled. + +"Of course," he answered. "Of course! But you see my knowledge of +him----" + +He was about to say that it was very slight, when, fortunately for him, +she interrupted with an eager-- + +"I know! I know! You were more than a son to him!" + +"The deuce and all!" thought the Count. "That was a narrow squeak!" + +"Do you know," she continued in the same tone, "I have actually had the +audacity to translate one of his books--your preface and all." + +"I understand the allusion now," thought Bunker. + +Aloud he had the presence of mind to inquire-- + +"Which was it?" + +"'Existence Seriously Reviewed.'" + +"You couldn't have made a better choice," he assured her. + +"And now, what can you tell me about him?" she cried. + +"Suppose we talk about the book instead," suggested Bunker, choosing +what seemed the lesser of two evils. + +"Oh, do!" + +She rose impetuously, brought with a reverent air a beautifully written +and neatly tied-up manuscript, and sat again by his knee. Looking over +his shoulder he could see that the chaperon was wide awake and prepared +to listen rapturously also. + +"I have so often longed to have some one with me who could explain +things--the very deep things, you know. But to think of having you--the +Editor and nephew! It's too good to be true." + +"Only eight o'clock," he said to himself, glancing at the clock. "I'm in +for a night of it." + +The vision of a game of bridge and a coon song on the banjo from that +moment faded quite away, and the Count even tucked his feet as far out +of sight as possible, since those entrancing socks served to remind him +too poignantly of what might have been. + +"What exactly did he mean by this?" began Julia, "'Let Potentates fear! +Let Dives tremble! The horny hand of the poor Man in the Street is +stretched forth to grasp his birthright!'" + +"For 'birthright' read 'pocket-book.' There's a mistake in the +translation," he answered promptly. "It appears to be an indirect +argument for an increase in the Metropolitan police." + +"Are you sure? I thought--surely it alludes to Socialism!" + +"Of course; and the best advertisement for Socialism is a collision with +the bobbies. My uncle was a remarkably subtle man, I assure you." + +"How very ingenious!" exclaimed Miss Minchell from the background. + +Julia did her best to feel convinced; but it was in a distinctly less +ecstatic voice that she read her next extract. + +"'Alcohol, riches, and starched linen are the moths and worms of +society.' I suppose he means that they eat away its foundations?" + +"On the contrary, he was an enthusiastic entomologist. He merely meant +to imply that it isn't every one who can appreciate a glass of port and +a clean shirt." + +"But he didn't appreciate those things himself!" + +"No; poor fellow. He often wished he could, though." + +"Did he really?" + +"Oh, you've no idea how tired he grew of flannel and ginger-beer! Many a +time he's said to me, 'My boy, learn to take what's set before you, +even at an alderman's table.' Ah, his was a generous creed, Miss +Wallingford!" + +"Yes, I suppose it was," said Julia submissively. + +His advantage in being able to claim an intimate personal knowledge of +the late philosopher's tastes encouraged the Count greatly. Realizing +that a nephew could not well be contradicted, he was emboldened to ask +whether there were any more points on which his authority could be of +assistance. + +"Oh yes," said she, "only--only somehow you seem to throw a different +light on everything." + +"Naturally, dear," chimed in Miss Minchell, "a personal explanation +always makes things seem different." + +Julia sighed, but summed up her courage to read out-- + +"'When woman is prized according to her intellect and man according to +his virtue; oh, then mankind will return to Eden!'" + +"That," said he, "is one of the rare instances of my uncle's pessimism." + +"Of his pessimism! How can you say that?" + +"He meant to imply that mankind would have to wait for some considerable +time. But do not feel dismayed. My own opinion is that so long as woman +is fair and man has the wit to appreciate her, we ARE in Eden." + +The gracious tone in which he delivered this dictum, and the moving +smile that accompanied it, appeared to atone completely for his +relative's cynical philosophy. With a smile and a sigh Julia murmured-- + +"Do you really think so?" + +"I do," said the Count fervently; "and now suppose we were to have a +little music?" + +"Oh yes!" cried Miss Minchell; "do you perform, Count Bunker?" + +"I sometimes sing a little to the guitar." + +"To the guitar!" said Julia. "How delicious! Have you brought it?" + +"I have been so bold," he smiled, and promptly went to fetch this +instrument. + +In a few minutes he returned with an apologetic air. + +"I find that by some error they have sent me away with a banjo instead," +he exclaimed. "But I dare say I could manage an accompaniment on that if +you would condescend to listen to me." + +He felt so exceedingly disinclined for expounding a philosophy any +longer that he gave them no time to dissent, even had they wished to, +but on the instant struck up that pathetic ditty-- + + "Down by whar de beans grow blue." + + +And no sooner had he finished it than (barely waiting for his meed of +applause) he further regaled them with-- + + "Twould make a fellow + Turn green and yellow! + + +Finally, as a tit-bit, he contributed-- + + "When hubby s gone to Brighton, + And I ve sent the cook to bed, + Oh who's that a-knocking on the window!" + + +At the conclusion of this concert he knew not whether to feel more +relieved or chagrined to observe that his fair hostess had her eyes +fixed upon the clock. Thanking him with a slightly embarrassed air, she +threw a pointed glance at Miss Minchell, and the two ladies rose. + +"I am afraid you will think we keep very early hours," she began. + +"It is one of the best rules in my uncle's philosophy," he interposed. + +Yet though glad enough to have come so triumphantly to the end of his +ordeal, he could not bring himself to let his charming disciple leave +him in a wounded or even disappointed mood. As soon as Miss Minchell had +passed through the door he quietly laid his hand upon Julia's arm, and +with a gesture beckoned her back into the room. + +"Pardon my seeming levity, Miss Wallingford," he said in a grave and +gentle voice, "but you know not what emotions I had to contend with! +I thank you for your charming sympathy, and I beg you to accept in +my uncle's name that salute by which his followers distinguish the +faithful." + +And he thereupon kissed the blushing girl with a heartiness that +restored her confidence in him completely. + +"Well," he said to himself as he retired with his candle, "I've managed +to get a fair penn'orth out of it after all." + + + +CHAPTER XXXI + +In spite of the Spartan transformation which Sir Justin's bedroom had +undergone, our adventurer enjoyed an excellent night's rest. So fast +asleep was he at the hour of eight next morning that it took him a few +seconds to awake to the full possession of his faculties, even when +disturbed by a loud exclamation at his bedside. He then became aware of +the presence of an entire stranger in his room--a tall and elderly man, +with a long nose and a grizzled beard. This intruder had apparently just +drawn up the blind, and was now looking about him with an expression of +the greatest concern. + +"Mackenzie!" he cried, in the voice of one accustomed to be heard with +submission, "What have you been doing to my room?" + +The butler, too confused for coherent speech, was in the act of bringing +in a small portmanteau. + +"I--I mentioned, Sir Justin, your room was hardly ready for ye, sir. +Perhaps, sir, if ye'd come into the pink room----" + +"What the deuce, there's hardly a stick of furniture left! And whose +clothes are these?" + +"Mine," answered the Count suavely. + +The stranger started violently, and turned upon the bed an eye at first +alarmed, then rapidly becoming lit with indignation. + +"Who--who is this?" he shouted. + +"That, sir--that----" stammered Mackenzie. + +"Is Count Bunker," said the Count, who remained entirely courteous in +spite of the inconvenience of this intrusion. "Have I the pleasure of +addressing Sir Justin Wallingford?" + +"You have, sir." + +"In that case, Mackenzie will be able to give you a satisfactory account +of my presence; and in half an hour or so I shall have the pleasure of +joining you downstairs." + +The Count, with a polite smile, turned over in bed, as though to +indicate that the interview was now at an end. But his visitor +apparently had other views. + +"I should be obliged by some explanation from yourself of your entry +into my house," said he, steadily keeping his eye upon the Count. + +"Now how the deuce shall I get out of this hole without letting Julia +into another?" wondered Bunker; but before he could speak, Mackenzie had +blurted out-- + +"Miss Wallingford, sir--the gentleman is a friend of hers, sir." + +"What!" thundered Sir Justin. + +"I assure you that Miss Wallingford was actuated by the highest motives +in honoring me with an invitation to The Lash," said Bunker earnestly. + +He had already dismissed an ingenious account of himself as a belated +wanderer, detained by stress of weather, as certain to be contradicted +by Julia herself, and decided instead on risking all upon his supposed +uncle's saintly reputation. + +"How came she to invite you, sir?" demanded Sir Justin. + +"As my uncle's nephew, merely." + +Sir Justin stared at him in silence, while he brought the full force of +his capacious mind to bear upon the situation. + +"Your name, you say, is Bunker?" he observed at length. + +"Count Bunker," corrected that nobleman. + +"Ah! Doubtless, then, you are the same gentleman who has been residing +with Lord Tulliwuddle?" + +"I am unaware of a duplicate." + +"And the uncle you allude to----?" + +By a wave of his hand the Count referred him to the portrait upon the +wall. Sir Justin now stared at it. + +"Bunker--Count Bunker," he repeated in a musing tone, and then turned +to the present holder of that dignity with a look in his eye which the +adventurer disliked exceedingly. + +"I will confer with you later," he observed. "Mackenzie, remove my +portmanteau." + +In a voice inaudible to the Count he gave another order, which was +followed by Mackenzie also removing the Count's clothes from their +chair. + +"I say, Mackenzie!" expostulated Bunker, now beginning to feel seriously +uneasy; but heedless of his protest the butler hastened with them from +the room. + +Then, with a grim smile and a surprising alacrity of movement, Sir +Justin changed the key into the outside of the lock, passed through the +door, and shut and locked it behind him. + +"The devil!" ejaculated Count Bunker. + +Here was a pretty predicament! And the most ominous feature about it +appeared to him to be the deliberation with which his captor had acted. +It seemed that he had got himself into a worse scrape than he could +estimate. + +He wasted no time in examining his prison with an eye to the possibility +of an escape, but it became very quickly evident that he was securely +trapped. From the windows he could not see even a water-pipe within +hail, and the door was unburstably ponderous. Besides, a gentleman +attired either in pajamas or evening dress will naturally shrink from +flight across country at nine o'clock in the morning. It seemed to the +Count that he was as well in bed as anywhere else, and upon this opinion +he acted. + +In about an hour's time the door was cautiously unlocked, and a tray, +containing some breakfast, laid upon the floor; but at the same time he +was permitted to see that a cordon of grooms and keepers guarded +against his flight. He showed a wonderful appetite, all circumstances +considered, smoked a couple of cigars, and at last decided upon getting +up and donning his evening clothes. Thereafter nothing occurred, beyond +the arrival of a luncheon tray, till the afternoon was well advanced; +by which time even his good spirits had become a trifle damped, and his +apprehensions considerably increased. + +At last his prison door was again thrown open, this time by Sir Justin +himself. + +"Come in, my dear," he said in a grave voice; and with a downcast eye +and scarlet cheek the fair Julia met her guest again. + +Her father closed the door, and they seated themselves before their +prisoner, who, after a profound obeisance to the lady, faced them from +the edge of his bed with an air of more composure than he felt. + +"I await your explanation, Sir Justin," he began, striking at once the +note which seemed to him (so far as he could guess) most likely to be +characteristic of an innocent and much-injured man. + +"You shall have it," said Sir Justin grimly. "Julia, you asked this +person to my house under the impression that he was the nephew of that +particularly obnoxious fanatic, Count Herbrand Bunker, and still +engaged upon furthering his relative's philanthropic and other visionary +schemes." + +"But isn't he----" began Julia with startled eyes. + +"I am Count Bunker," said our hero firmly. + +"The nephew in question?" inquired Sir Justin. + +"Certainly, sir." + +Again Sir Justin turned to his daughter. + +"I have already told you what I think of your conduct under any +circumstances. What your feelings will be I can only surmise when I +inform you that I have detained this adventurer here until I had time to +despatch a wire and receive an answer from Scotland Yard." + +Both Count and Julia started. + +"What, sir!" exclaimed Bunker. + +Quite unmoved by his protest, his captor continued, this time addressing +him-- + +"My memory, fortunately, is unusually excellent, and when you told me +this morning who you were related to, I recalled at once something I had +heard of your past career. It is now confirmed by the reply I received +to my telegram." + +"And what, Sir Justin, does Scotland Yard have to say about me?" + +"Julia," said her parent, "this unhappy young man did indeed profess +for some time a regard for his uncle's teachings, and even, I believe, +advocated them in writing. In this way he obtained the disposal of +considerable funds contributed by unsuspicious persons for ostensibly +philanthropic purposes. About two years ago these funds and Count Bunker +simultaneously disappeared, and your estimable guest was last heard of +under an assumed name in the republic of Uruguay." + +Uncomfortable as his predicament was, this picture of himself as the +fraudulent philanthropist was too much for Bunker's sense of humor, and +to the extreme astonishment of his visitors he went off into a fit +of laughter so hearty and prolonged that it was some time before he +recovered his gravity. + +"My dear friends," he exclaimed at last, "I am not that Bunker at all! +In fact I was only created a few weeks ago. Bring me back my clothes, +and in return I'll tell you a deuced sight funnier story even than +that." + +Sir Justin rose and led his daughter to the door. + +"You will have an opportunity to-morrow," he replied stiffly. "In the +meantime I shall leave you to the enjoyment of the joke." + +"But, my dear sir----" + +Sir Justin turned his back, and the door closed upon him again. + +Count Bunker's position was now less supportable than ever. + +"Escape I must," he thought. + +And hardly had he breathed the word when a gleam of his old luck seemed +to return. He was standing by the window, and presently he observed a +groom ride up on a bicycle, dismount, and push it through an outhouse +door. Then the man strolled off, and he said to himself, with an +uprising of his spirits-- + +"There's my steed--if I could once get to it!" + +Then again he thought the situation over, and gradually the prospect +of a midnight ride on a bicycle over a road he had only once traversed, +clad in his emblazoned socks and blue-lapelled coat, appeared rather +less entertaining than another night's confinement. So he lit his +last cigar, threw himself on the bed, and resigned himself to the +consolations of an innocent heart and a practical philosophy. + + + +CHAPTER XXXII + +The clearness of the Count's conscience may be gauged when it is +narrated that no sooner had he dismissed the stump of his cigar toward +the grate than he dropped into a peaceful doze and remained placidly +unconscious of his perils for the space of an hour or more. He was then +awakened by the sound of a key being gently turned, and his opening eyes +rested upon a charming vision of Julia Wallingford framed in the outline +of the door. + +"Hush!" she whispered; "I--I have brought a note for you!" + +Smoothing his hair as he met her, the Count thanked her with an air of +considerable feeling, and took from her hand a twisted slip of paper. + +"It was brought by a messenger--a man in a kilt, who came in a motor +car. I didn't know whether father would let you have it, so I brought it +up myself." + +"Is the messenger waiting?" + +"No; he went straight off again." + +Unrolling the scrap he read this brief message scrawled in pencil and +evidently in dire haste-- + + +"All is lost! I am prisoner! Go straightway to London for help from my +Embassy. + +"R. VON B." + + +"Good heavens!" he exclaimed aloud. + +"Is it bad news?" asked Julia, with a solicitude that instantly +suggested possibilities to his fertile brain. + +"Horribly!" he said. "It tells of a calamity that has befallen a very +dear friend of mine! Oh, Rudolph, Rudolph! And I a helpless prisoner!" + +As he anticipated, this outburst of emotion was not without its effect. + +"I am so sorry!" she said. "I--I don't believe, Count Bunker, you are as +guilty as father says!" + +"I swear to you I am not!" + +"Can I--help you?" + +He thought swiftly. + +"Is there any one about the house just now?" + +"Oh yes; the keeper is stationed in the hall!" + +"Miss Wallingford, if you would atone for a deep injury which you have +inadvertently done an innocent man, bring me fifty feet of stout rope! +And, I say, see that the door of the bicycle house is left unlocked. +Will you do this?" + +"I--I'll try." + +A sound on the stairs alarmed her, and with a fleeting smile of sympathy +she was gone and the door locked upon him again. + +Again the time passed slowly by, and he was left to ponder over the +critical nature of the situation as revealed by the luckless Baron's +intelligence. Clearly he must escape to-night, at all hazards. + +"What's that? My rope?" he wondered. + +But it was only the arrival of his dinner, brought as before upon a tray +and set just within the door, as though they feared for the bearer's +life should he venture within reach of this desperate adventurer from +Uruguay. + +"A very large dish for a very small appetite," he thought, as he bore +his meal over to the bed and drew his chair up before it. + +It looked indeed as though a roasted goose must be beneath the cover. +He raised it, and there, behold! lay a large coil of excellent new rope. +The Count chuckled. + +"Commend me to the heart and the wit of women! What man would ever have +provided so dainty a dish as this? Unless, indeed" (he had the breadth +of mind to add) "it happened to be a charming adventuress who was in +trouble." + +Drinking the half pint of moderate claret which they had allowed him +to the happiness and prosperity of all true-hearted women, he could not +help regretting that his imprisoned confederate should be so unlikely to +enjoy similar good fortune. + +"He went too far with those two dear girls. A woman deceived as he +has deceived them will never forgive him. They'd stand sentry at +his cell-door sooner than let the poor Baron escape," he reflected +commiserately, and sighed to think of the disastrous effect this +mishap might have both upon his friend's diplomatic career and domestic +felicity. + +While waiting for the dusk to deepen, and endeavoring to console himself +for the lack of cigars with the poor remedy of cigarettes, he employed +his time profitably in tying a series of double knots upon the line of +rope. Then at last, when he could see the stars bright above the trees +and hear no sound in the house, he pulled his bed softly to the open +window, and to it fastened one end of his rope securely. The other he +quietly let drop, and losing not an instant followed it hand under +hand, murmuring anathemas on the rough wall that so scraped his evening +trousers. + +On tiptoe he stole to the door through which the bicycle had gone. It +yielded to a push, and once inside he ventured to strike a match. + +"By Gad! I've a choice of half a dozen," he exclaimed. + +It need scarcely be said that he selected the best; and after slitting +with his pocket-knife the tires of all the others, he mounted and +pedalled quietly down the drive. The lodge gates stood open; the road, a +trifle muddy but clear of all traffic, stretched visible for a long way +in the starlight; the breeze blew fair behind him. + +"May Providence guide me to the station," he prayed, and rode off into +the night. + + + +CHAPTER XXXIII + +Suppose the clock be set back four-and-twenty hours, and behold now the +Baron von Blitzenberg, the diplomatist and premier baron of Bavaria, +engaged in unhappy argument with himself. Unhappy, because his reason, +though so carefully trained from the kindergarten upward, proved unable +to combat the dismal onsets of superstition. + +"Pooh! who cares for an old picture?" Reason would reiterate. + +"It is an omen," said Superstition simply; and Reason stood convicted as +an empty braggart. + +But if Time be the great healer, Dinner is at least a clever quack, and +when he and old Mr. Rentoul had consumed well-nigh a bottle and a half +of their host's port between them, the outlook became much less gloomy. +A particularly hilarious evening in the drawing-room completed the +triumph of mind over what he was now able to term "jost nonsense," +and he slept that night as soundly as the Count was simultaneously +slumbering in Sir Justin's bed-room. And there was no unpleasant +awakening in the Baron's case. On the contrary, all nature seemed in a +conspiracy to make the last day of his adventure pleasant. The sun shone +brightly, his razors had an excellent edge, sausages were served for +breakfast, and when he joined the family afterwards he found them as +affectionately kind as a circle of relations. In fact, the Baron had +dropped more than one hint the night before of such a nature that they +had some reason for supposing relationship imminent. It is true Eva was +a little disappointed that the actual words were not yet said, and when +he made an airy reference to paying a farewell call that morning upon +their neighbors at Lincoln Lodge, she exhibited so much disapproval in +her air that he said at once-- + +"Ach, vell, I shall jost go after lonch and be back in an hour and a +half. I jost vish to say good-bye, zat is all." + +Little guessing how much was to hang upon this postponement, he drove +over after luncheon with a mind entirely reassured. With only an +afternoon to be safely passed, no mishap, he was sure, could possibly +happen now. If indeed the Maddisons chose to be offended with him, why, +then, his call would merely be the briefer and he would recommend Eva +for the post of Lady Tulliwuddle without qualification. It was his +critics who had reason to fear, not he. + +Miss Maddison was at home, the staff of footmen assured him, and, +holding his head as high as a chieftain should, he strode into her +sanctuary. + +"Do I disturb you?" + +He asked this with a quicker beating heart. Not Eleanor alone, but +her father and Ri confronted him, and it was very plain to see that +a tempest was in the brewing. Her eyes were bright with tears and +indignation; their brows heavy with formidable frowns. At the first +moment of his entering, extreme astonishment at seeing him was clearly +their dominant emotion, and as evidently it rapidly developed into a +sentiment even less hospitable. + +"Why, this beats the devil!" ejaculated Mr. Maddison; and for a moment +this was the sole response to his inquiry. + +The next to speak was Ri-- + +"Show it him, Poppa! Confront him with the evidence!" + +With ominous deliberation the millionaire picked up a newspaper from the +floor, where apparently it had been crumpled and flung, smoothed out +the creases, and approached the Baron till their noses were in danger of +collision. While executing this manoeuvre the silence was only broken by +the suppressed sobbing of his daughter. Then at last he spoke. + +"Our mails, sir, have just arrived. This, sir, is 'The Times' newspaper, +published in the city of London yesterday morning." + +He shook it in the Baron's face with a sudden vehemence that caused that +nobleman to execute an abrupt movement backward. + +"Take it," continued the millionaire--"take it, sir, and explain this if +you can!" + +So confused had the Baron's mind become already that it was with +difficulty he could decipher the following petrifying announcement-- + +"Tulliwuddle--Herringay.--In London, privately, Lord Tulliwuddle to +Constance, daughter of Robert Herringay." + +The Baron's brain reeled. + +"Here is another paragraph that may interest you," pursued Mr. Maddison, +turning the paper outside in with an alarmingly vigorous movement, and +presenting a short paragraph for the Baron's inspection. This ran-- + + "PEER AND ACTRESS. + + +"As announced in our marriage column, the wedding took place yesterday, +privately, of Lord Tulliwuddle, kinsman and heir of the late peer +of that name, so well known in London and Scottish society, and Miss +Constance Herringay, better known as 'Connie Fitz Aubyn,' of the Gaiety +Theatre. It is understood that the young couple have departed for the +Mediterranean." + +In a few seconds given him to prepare his mind, the Baron desperately +endeavored to imagine what the resourceful Bunker would say or do under +these awful circumstances. + +"Well, sir?" said Mr. Maddison. + +"It is a lie!" + +"A lie?" + +Ri laughed scornfully. + +"Mean to say no such marriage took place?" + +"It vas not me." + +"Who was it, then?" + +"Anozzer man, perhaps." + +"Another Lord Tulliwuddle?" inquired the millionaire. + +"Zey have made a mistake mit ze name. Yes, zat is how." + +"Can it be possible?" cried Eleanor eagerly, her grief for the moment +forgotten. + +"No," said her father; "it is not possible. The announcement is +confirmed by the paragraph. A mistake is inconceivable." + +The Baron thought he perceived a brilliant idea. + +"Ach, it is ze ozzer Tollvoddle!" he exclaimed. "So! zat is it, of +course." + +"You mean to say there is another peerage of Tulliwuddle?" + +"Oh, yes." + +"Fetch Debrett, Ri!" + +But Ri had already not only fetched Debrett, but found the place. + +"A darned lie. Thought so," he observed succinctly. + +The luckless diplomatist was now committed to perdition. + +"It is not in ze books," he exclaimed. "It is bot a baronetcy." + +"A baronetcy!" + +"And illegitimate also." + +"Sir," burst forth Ri, "you are a thundering liar! Is this your marriage +notice?" + +The Baron changed his tactics. + +"Yes!" he declared. + +Eleanor screamed. + +"Don't fuss, Eleanor," said her father kindly. "That ain't true, anyhow. +Why, the day before yesterday he was throwing that darned hammer." + +"Which came down last night in our yard with the head burst!" added Ri +contemptuously. "Found you out there too!" + +"Is that so!" exclaimed his father. + +"That is so, sir!" + +The three looked at him, and it was hard to say whether indignation or +contempt was more prominent in their faces. This was more than he could +endure. + +"I vill not be so looked at!" he cried; "I vill leave you!" + +"No you won't!" said Ri. + +And the Baron saw his retreat cut of by the athletic and determined +young man. + +"Before you leave, we have one or two questions to ask you," said Mr. +Maddison. "Are you Lord Tulliwuddle, or are you not?" + +"Yes!--No!" replied the Baron. + +"Which, sir?" + +Expanding his chest, he made the awe-inspiring announcement-- + +"I am moch greater zan Tollyvoddle! I am ze Baron Rudolph von +Blitzenberg!" + +"Another darned lie!" commented Ri. + +Mr. Maddison laughed sardonically; while Eleanor, with flashing eyes, +now joined in the attack upon the hapless nobleman. + +"You wretched creature! Isn't it enough to have shammed to be one peer +without shamming to be another?" + +"Bot I am! Ja, I swear to you! Can you not see zat I am noble?" + +"Curiously enough we can't," replied Mr. Maddison. + +But his daughter's scepticism was a little shaken by the fervor of his +assurances. + +"But, Poppa, perhaps he may be a German peer." + +"German waiter, more likely!" sneered Ri. "What shall we do with him? +Tar and feathers, I guess, would just about suit his complaint." + +"No, Ri, no," said his father cautiously. "Remember we are no longer +beneath the banner of freedom. In this benighted country it might lead +into trouble. Guess we can find him accommodation, though, in that +bit of genuine antique above the harness-room. It's fitted with a very +substantial lock. We'll make Dugald M'Culloch responsible for this BARON +till the police take him over." + +Vain were the Baron's protests; and upon the appearance of Dugald +M'Culloch, fisherman and factotum to the millionaire, accompanied by +three burly satellites, vain, he perceived, would be the most desperate +resistance. He plead the privileges of a foreign diplomatist, threatened +a descent of the German army upon Lincoln Lodge, guaranteed an intimate +acquaintance with the American ambassador--"Who vill make you sorry for +zis!" but all without moving Mr. Maddison's resolution. Even Eleanor +whispered a word for him and was repulsed, for he overheard her father +replying to her-- + +"No, no, Eleanor; no more a diplomatist than you would have been Lady +Tulliwuddle. Guess I know what I'm doing." + +Whereupon the late Lord Tulliwuddle, kilt and all, was conveyed by a +guard of six tall men and deposited in the bit of genuine antique above +the harness-room. This proved to be a small chamber in a thick-walled +wing of the original house, now part of the back premises; and there, +with his face buried in his hands, the poor prisoner moaned aloud-- + +"Oh, my life, she is geblasted! I am undone! Oh, I am lost!" + +"Will it be so bad as that, indeed?" + +He looked up with a start, and perceived Dugald, his jailor, gazing upon +him with an expression of indescribable sagacity. + +"The master will be sending me with his car to tell the folks at +Hechnahoul," added Dugald. + +Still the Baron failed to comprehend the exchange of favors suggested by +his jailor's sympathetic voice. + +"Go, zen!" he muttered, and bent his head. + +"You will not be wishing to send no messages to your friends?" + +At last the prisoner understood. For a sovereign Dugald promised to +convey a note to the Count; for five he undertook to bribe the chauffeur +to convey him to The Lash, when he learned where that gentleman was to +be found. And he further decided to be faithful to his trust, since, as +he prudently reflected-- + +"If he will be a real chentleman after all it shall not be well to be +hard with him. And if he will not be, nobody shall know." + +The Baron felt a trifle less hopeless now, yet so black did the prospect +remain that he firmly believed he should never be able to raise his head +again and meet the gaze of his fellow-men; not at least if he stayed in +that room till the police arrived. + + + +CHAPTER XXXIV + +Not even the news of Flodden brought direr dismay to Hechnahoul than Mr. +Maddison's brief note. Lord Tulliwuddle an impostor? That magnificent +young man a fraud? So much geniality, brawn, and taste for the bagpipes +merely the sheep's clothing that hid a wandering wolf? Incredible! Yet, +on second thoughts, how very much more thrilling than if he had really +been an ordinary peer! And what a judgment on the presumption of Mr. and +Mrs. Gallosh! Hard luck on Eva, of course--but, then, girls who aspire +to marry out of their own station must expect this kind of thing. + +The latter part of this commentary was naturally not that of the +pretender's host and hostess. In the throes of their anger and chagrin +their one consoling reflection was that no friends less tried than Mr. +and Mrs. Rentoul happened to be there to witness their confusion. Yet +other sufferers since Job have found that the oldest friends do not +necessarily of er the most acceptable consolation. + +"Oh, oh! I feel like to die of grief!" wailed poor Mrs. Gallosh. + +"Aye; it's an awful smack in the eye for you," said Mr. Rentoul sagely. + +"Smack in the eye!" thundered his host. "It's a criminal offence--that's +what it is! It's a damned swindle! It's a----" + +"Oh, hush, hush!" interrupted Mrs. Rentoul in a shocked voice. "What +words for a lady to hear! After all, you must remember you never made +any inquiries." + +"Inquiries! What for should I be making inquiries about my guests? YOU +never dropped a word of such a thing! Who'd have listened if I had? It +was just Lord Tulliwuddle this and Lord Tulliwuddle that from morning to +night since ever he came to the Castle." + +"Duncan's so simple-minded," groaned Mrs. Gallosh. + +"And what were you, I'd like to know? What were you?" retorted her +justly incensed spouse. "Never a word did I hear, but just that he was +such an aristocratic young man, and any one could see he had blue blood +in his veins, and stuff of that kind!" + +"I more than once had my own doubts about that," said the alcohol expert +with a knowing wink. "There was something about him---- Ah, well, he was +not exactly my own idea of a lord." + +"YOUR idea?" scoffed his oldest and best of friends. "What do YOU know +of lords, I'd like to know?" + +"Well, well," answered the sage peaceably, "maybe we've neither of us +had much opportunity of judging of the nobility. It's just more bad luck +than anything else that you should have gone to the expense of setting +up in style in a lord's castle and then having this downcome. If I'd had +similar ambeetions it might have been me." + +This soft answer was so far from turning away wrath, that Mrs. Rentoul +again felt compelled to stem the tide of her host's eloquence. + +"Oh, hush!" she exclaimed; "I'd have fancied you'd be having no thoughts +beyond your daughter's affliction." + +"My Eva! my poor Eva! Where is the suffering child?" cried Mrs. Gallosh. +"Duncan, what'll she be doing?" + +"Making a to-do like the rest of the women-folk," replied her husband, +with rather less sympathy than the occasion seemed to demand. + +In point of fact Eva had disappeared from the company immediately after +hearing the contents of Mr. Maddison's letter, and whatever she had been +doing, it had not been weeping alone, for at that moment she ran into +the room, her face agitated, but rather, it seemed, with excitement than +grief. + +"Papa, lend me five pounds," she panted. + +"Lend you--five pounds! And what for, I'd like to know?" + +"Don't ask me now. I--I promise to tell you later--some time later." + +"I'll see myself----! I mean, you're talking nonsense." + +Eva's lip trembled. + +"Hi, hist! Eva, my dear," said Mr. Rentoul; "if you're wanting the money +badly, and your papa doesn't see his way----" + +He concluded his sentence with a wink and a dive into his +trousers-pocket, and a minute later Eva had fled from the room again. + +This action of the sage, being at total variance to his ordinary habits +(which indeed erred on the economical side), was attributed by his irate +host--with a certain show of reason--to the mere intention of annoying +him; and the conversation took a more acrimonious turn than ever. In +fact, when Eva returned a few minutes later she was just in time to hear +her father thunder in an infuriated voice-- + +"A German waiter, is he? Aye, that's verra probable, verra probable +indeed. In fact I might have known it when I saw you and him swilling +a bottle and a half of my best port together! Birds of a feather--aye, +aye, exactly!" + +The crushing retort which the sage evidently had ready to heap upon the +fire of this controversy was anticipated by Miss Gallosh. + +"He isn't a German waiter, papa! He is a German BARON--and an +ambassador, too!" + +The four started and stared at her. + +"Where did you learn that?" demanded her father. + +"I've been talking to the man who brought the letter, and he says that +Lord Tulli--I mean the Baron--declares positively that he is a German +nobleman!" + +"Tuts, fiddlesticks!" scoffed her father. + +"Verra like a whale," pronounced the sage. + +"I wouldn't believe what HE said," declared Mrs. Gallosh. + +"One can SEE he isn't," said Mrs. Rentoul. + +"The kind of Baron that plays in a German band, perhaps," added her +husband, with a whole series of winks to give point to this mot. + +"He's just a scoundrelly adventurer!" shouted Mr. Gallosh. + +"I hope he'll get penal servitude, that's what I hope," said his wife +with a sob. + +"And, judging from his appearance, that'll be no new experience for +him," commented the sage. + +So remarkably had their judgment of the late Lord Tulliwuddle waxed in +discrimination. And, strange to say, his only defender was the lady he +had injured most. + +"I still believe him a gentleman!" she cried, and swept tearfully from +the room. + + + +CHAPTER XXXV + +While his late worshippers were trampling his memory in the mire, the +Baron von Blitzenberg, deserted and dejected, his face still buried in +his hands, endured the slow passage of the doleful afternoon. Unlike the +prisoner at The Lash, who, by a coincidence that happily illustrates +the dispensations of Providence, was undergoing at the same moment an +identical ordeal, the Baron had no optimistic, whimsical philosophy to +fall back upon. Instead, he had a most tender sense of personal dignity +that had been egregiously outraged--and also a wife. Indeed, the thought +of Alicia and of Alicia's parent was alone enough to keep his head bowed +down. + +"Ach, zey most not know," he muttered. "I shall give moch +money--hondreds of pound--not to let zem find out. Oh, what for fool +have I been!" + +So deeply was he plunged in these sorrowful meditations, and so +constantly were they concerned with the two ladies whose feelings he +wished to spare, that when a hum of voices reached his ear, one of them +strangely--even ominously--familiar, he only thought at first that his +imagination had grown morbidly vivid. To dispel the unpleasant fancies +suggested by this imagined voice, he raised his head, and then the next +instant bounded from his chair. + +"Mein Gott!" he muttered, "it is she." + +Too thunderstruck to move, he saw his prison door open, and there, +behold! stood the Countess of Grillyer, a terrible look upon her +high-born features, a Darius at either shoulder. In silence they +surveyed one another, and it was Mr. Maddison who spoke first. + +"Guess this is a friend of yours," he observed. + +One thought and one only filled the prisoner's mind--she must leave him, +and immediately. + +"No, no; I do not know her!" he cried. + +"You do not know me?" repeated the Countess in a voice rich in promise. + +"Certainly I do not." + +"She knows you all right," said the millionaire. + +"Says she does," put in Ri in a lower voice; "but I wouldn't lay much +money on her word either." + +"Rudolph! You pretend you do not know me?" cried the Countess between +wrath and bewilderment. + +"I never did ever see sochlike a voman before," reiterated the Baron. + +"What do you say to that, ma'am?" inquired Mr. Maddison. + +"I say--I blush to say--that this wretched young man is my son-in-law," +declared the Countess. + +As she had come to the house inquiring merely for Lord Tulliwuddle, and +been conducted straight to the prisoner's cell, the stupefying effect of +this announcement may readily be conceived. + +"What!" ejaculated the Dariuses. + +"It is not true! She is mad! Take her avay, please!" shouted the Baron, +now desperate in his resolution to say or do anything, so long as he got +rid of his formidable relative. + +The Countess staggered back. + +"Is he demented?" she inquired. + +"Say, ma'am," put in Ri, "are you the mother of Miss Constance +Herringay?" + +"Of----? I am Lady Grillyer!" + +"See here, my good lady, that's going a little too far," said the +millionaire not unkindly. "This friend of yours here first calls himself +Lord Tulliwuddle, and then the Baron von something or other. Well, now, +that's two of the aristocracy in this under-sized apartment already. +There's hardly room for a third--see? Can't you be plain Mrs. Smith for +a change?" + +The Countess tottered. + +"Fellow!" she said in a faint voice, "I--I do not understand you." + +"Thought that would fetch her down," commented Ri. + +"Lead her back to ze train and make her go to London!" pleaded the Baron +earnestly. + +"You stick to it, you don't know her?" asked Mr. Maddison shrewdly. + +"No, no, I do not!" + +"Is her name Lady Grillyer?" + +"Not more zan it is mine!" + +"Rudolph!" gasped the Countess inarticulately. "He is--he WAS my son!" + +"Stoff and nonsense!" roared the Baron. "Remove her!--I am tired." + +"Well," said Mr. Maddison, "I guess I don't much believe either of you; +but whether you know each other or not, you make such a remarkably fine +couple that I reckon you'd better get acquainted now. Come, Ri." + +And before either Countess or Baron could interpose, their captors +had slipped out, the key was turned, and they were left to the dual +enjoyment of the antique apartment. + +"Teufel!" shouted the Baron, kicking the door frantically. "Open him, +open him! I vill pay you a hondred pound! Goddam! Open!" + +But only the gasps of the Countess answered him. + +It is generally conceded that if you want to see the full depths of +brutality latent in man, you must thoroughly frighten him first. This +condition the Countess of Grillyer had exactly succeeded in fulfilling, +with the consequence that the Baron, hitherto the most complacent and +amiable of sons-in-law, seemed ambitious of rivalling the Turk. When he +perceived that no answer to his appeals was forthcoming, dark despair +for a moment overcame him. Then the fiendishly ingenious idea struck +him--might not a woman's screams accomplish what his own lungs were +unable to effect? Turning an inflamed and frowning countenance upon +the lady who had intrusted her daughter's happiness to his hands, he +addressed her in a deep hissing voice-- + +"Shcream, shcream, voman! Shcream loudly, or I vill knock you!" + +But the Countess was made of stern stuff. Outraged and frightened though +she was, she yet retorted huskily-- + +"I will not scream, Rudolph! I--I demand an explanation first!" + +Executing a step of the sword-dance within a yard of her, he reiterated + +"Shcream so zat zey may come back!" + +She blinked, but held her ground. + +"I insist upon knowing what you mean, Rudolph! I insist upon your +telling me! What are you doing here in that preposterous kilt?" + +The Baron's wits brightened with the acuteness of the emergency. + +"Ha!" he cried, "I vill take my kilt off--take him off before your eyes +this instant if you do not shcream!" + +But she merely closed her eyes. + +"If you dare! If you dare, Rudolph, I shall inform your Emperor! And I +will not look! I cannot see you!" + +Whether in deference to imperial prejudices, or because a kiltless man +would be thrown away upon a lady who refused to look at him, the Baron +regretfully desisted from this project. At his wits' end, he besought +her-- + +"Make zem take you avay, so zat you vill be safe from my rage! I do not +trost myself mit you. I am so violent as a bull! Better zat you should +go; far better--do you not see?" + +"No, Rudolph, no!" replied the adamant lady. "I have come to guard you +against your own abandoned nature, and I shall only leave this room when +you do!" + +She sat down and faced him, palpitating, but immovable; and against such +obstinacy the unhappy Rudolph gave up the contest in despair. + +"But I shall not talk mit her; oh, Himmel, nein!" he said to himself; +and in pursuance of this policy sat with his back turned to her while +the shadows of evening gradually filled the room. In vain did she +address him: he neither answered nor moved. Indeed, to discourage her +still further, he even summoned up a forced gaiety of demeanor, and in +a low rumble of discords sang to himself the least respectable songs he +knew. + +"His mind is certainly deranged," thought the Countess. "I must not let +him out of my sight. Ah, poor Alicia!" + +But in time, when the dusk was thickening so fast that her son-in-law's +broad back had already grown indistinct of outline, and no voice or +footstep had come near their prison, her thoughts began to wander +from his case to her own. The outrageous conduct of those Americans in +discrediting her word and incarcerating her person, though overshadowed +at the time by the yet greater atrocity of the Baron's behavior, now +loomed up in formidable proportions. And the gravity of their offence +was emphasized by an unpleasant sensation she now began to experience +with considerable acuteness. + +"Do they mean to starve us as well as insult us?" she wondered. + +The Baron's thoughts also seemed to have drifted into a different +channel. He no longer sang; he fidgeted in his chair; he even softly +groaned; and at last he actually changed his attitude so far as to +survey the dim form of his mother-in-law over one shoulder. + +"Oh, ze devil!" he exclaimed aloud. "I am so hongry!" + +"That is no reason why you should also be profane," said the Countess +severely. + +"I did not speak to you," retorted the Baron, and again a constrained +silence fell on the room. + +The Baron was the first to break it. + +"Ha!" he cried. "I hear a step." + +"Thank God!" exclaimed the Countess devoutly. + +In the blaze of a stable lantern there entered to them Dugald M'Culloch, +jailor. + +"Will you be for any supper?" he inquired, with a politeness he felt due +to prisoners with purses. + +"I do starve!" replied the Baron. + +"And I am nearly fainting!" cried the Countess. + +Both rose with an alacrity astonishing in people so nearly exhausted, +and made as though they would pass out. With a deprecatory gesture +Dugald arrested them. + +"I will bring your supper fery soon," said he. + +"Here?" gasped the Countess. + +"It is the master's orders." + +"Tell him I vill have him ponished mit ze law, if he does not let me +come out!" roared the Baron. + +Their jailor was courtesy itself; but it was in their prison that they +supped--a silent meal, and very plain. And, bitterest pill of all, they +were further informed that in their prison they must pass the night. + +"In ze same room!" cried the Baron frantically. "Impossible! Improper!" + +Even his mother-in-law's solicitude shrank from this vigil; but with +unruffled consideration for their comfort their guardian and his +assistants made up two beds forthwith. The Baron, subdued to a fierce +and snarling moodiness, watched their preparations with a lurid eye. + +"Put not zat bed so near ze door," he snapped. + +In his ear his jailor whispered, "That one's for you, sir, and dinna put +off your clothes!" + +The Baron started, and from that moment his air of resignation began to +affront the Countess as deeply as his previous violence. When they were +again alone, stretched in black darkness each upon their couch, she +lifted up her voice in a last word of protest-- + +"Rudolph! have you no single feeling for me left? Why didn't you stab +that man?" + +But the Baron merely retorted with a lifelike affectation of snoring. + + + +CHAPTER XXXVI + +For a long time the Baron lay wide awake, every sense alert, listening +for the creak of a footstep on the wooden stair that led up from the +harness-room to his prison. What else could the strange words of Dugald +have meant, save that some friend proposed to climb those stairs +and gently open that stubborn door? And in this opinion he had been +confirmed when he observed that on Dugald's departure the key turned +with a silence suggesting a recently oiled lock. His bed lay along the +wall, with the head so close to the door that any one opening it and +stretching forth a hand could tweak him by the nose without an effort +(supposing that were the object of their visit). Clearly, he thought, it +was not thus arranged without some very special purpose. Yet when hour +after hour passed and nothing happened, he began to sleep fitfully, +and at last, worn out with fruitless waiting, dropped into a profound +slumber. + +He was in the midst of a harassing dream or drama, wherein Bunker and +Eva played an incoherent part and he himself passed wearily from peril +to peril, when the stage suddenly was cleared, his eyes started open, +and he became wakefully conscious of a little ray of light that fell +upon his face. Before he could raise his head a soft voice whispered +urgently, + +"Don't move!" + +With admirable self-control he obeyed implicitly. + +"Who is zere?" he whispered back. + +The voice seemed for a moment to hesitate, and then answered-- + +"Eleanor Maddison!" + +He started so audibly that again she breathed peremptorily-- + +"Hush! Lie still till I come back. You--you don't deserve it, but I want +to save you from the disgrace of arrest." + +"Ach, zank you--mine better angel!" he murmured, with a fervor that +seemed not unpleasing to his rescuer. + +"You really are a nobleman in trouble?" + +"I swear I am!" + +"And didn't mean anything really wrong?" + +"Never--oh, never!" + +More kindly than before she murmured-- + +"Well, I guess I'll take you out, then. I've bribed Dugald, so that's +all right. When my car's ready I'll send him up for you. You just lie +still till he comes." + +From which it appears that Count Bunker's appreciation of the sex fell +short of their meed. + +Hardly daring to breathe for fear of awakening his fellow-prisoner, +trembling with agitation, and consumed by a mad impatience for action, +the Baron passed five of the longest minutes he had ever endured. At +the end of that time he heard a stealthy step upon the stairs, and with +infinite precautions threw off his bedclothes and sat upright, ready +for instant departure. But how slowly and with what a superfluity of +precaution his jailor moved! When the door at length opened he wondered +that no ray of light fell this time. + +"Dugald!" he whispered eagerly. + +"Hush!" replied a softer voice than Dugald's; as soft, indeed, as +Eleanor's, yet clearly different. + +"Who is zat?" he gasped. + +"Eva Gallosh!" said the silken voice. "Oh, is that you?" + +"Yes--yes--it is me." + +"And are you really a Baron and an ambassador?" + +"Oh yes--yes--certainly I am." + +"Then--then I've come to help you to escape! I've bribed Dugald--and +I've got a dog-cart here. Come quickly--but oh, be very quiet!" + +For a moment the Baron actually hesitated to flee from that loathed +apartment. It seemed to him that if Fortune desired to provide him with +opportunities of escape she might have had the sense to offer these one +at a time. For how could he tell which of these overtures to close with? +A wrong decision might be fatal; yet time unquestionably pressed. + +"Mein Gott!" he muttered irresolutely, "vich shall I do?" + +At that moment the other bed creaked, and, to his infinite horror, he +heard a suspicious voice demand-- + +"Is that you talking, Rudolph?" + +Poor Eva, who was quite unaware of the presence of another prisoner, +uttered a stifled shriek; with a cry of "Fly, quickly!" the Baron leaped +from his bed, and headlong down the wooden stairs they clattered for +freedom. + +A dim vision of the thrice-bribed Dugald, screeching, "The car's ready +for ye, sir!" but increased their speed. + +Outside, a motor car stood panting by the door, and in the youthful +driver, turning a pale face toward them in the lamp's radiance, the +Baron had just time to recognize his first fair deliverer. + +"Good-bye!" he whispered to his second, and flung himself in. + +Some one followed him; the door was slammed, and with a mighty throbbing +they began to move. + +"Rudolph! Rudolph!" wailed a voice behind them. + +"Zank ze goodness SHE is not here!" exclaimed the Baron. + +"Whisht! whisht!" he could hear Dugald expostulate. + +With a violent start he turned to the fellow-passenger who had followed +him in. + +"Are you not Dugald?" he demanded hoarsely. + +"No--it's--it's me! I dursn't wait for my dog-cart!" + +"Eva!" he murmured. "Oh, Himmel! Vat shall I do?" + +Only a screen of glass separated his two rescuers, and the one had +but to turn her head and look inside, or the other to study with any +attention the roll of hair beneath their driver's cap, in order to lead +to most embarrassing consequences. Not that it was his fault he should +receive such universal sympathy: but would these charming ladies admit +his innocence? + +"How thoughtful of Dugald to have this car----" began Eva. + +"Hush!" he muttered hoarsely. "Yes, it was thoughtful, but you most not +speak too loudly." + +"For fear----?" she smiled, and turned her eyes instinctively toward +their driver. + +"Excuse me," he muttered, sweeping her as gently as possible from her +seat and placing her upon the floor. + +"It vill not do for zem to see you," he explained in a whisper. + +"How awful a position," he reflected. "Oh, I hope it may still be dark +ven we get to ze station." + +But with rising concern he presently perceived that the telegraph posts +along the roadside were certainly grown plainer already; he could even +see the two thin wires against a paling sky; the road behind was visible +for half a mile; the hill-tops might no longer be confounded with the +clouds-day indubitably was breaking. Also he recollected that to go +from Lincoln Lodge to Torrydhulish Station one had to make a vast detour +round half the loch; and, further, began to suspect that though Miss +Maddison's driving was beyond reproach her knowledge of topography was +scarcely so dependable. In point of fact she increased the distance by +at least a third, and all the while day was breaking more fatally clear. + +To discourage Miss Gallosh's efforts at conversation, yet keep her +sitting contentedly upon the floor; to appear asleep whenever Miss +Maddison turned her head and threw a glance inside, and to devise some +adequate explanation against the inevitable discovery at the end of +their drive, provided him with employment worthy of a diplomatist's +steel. But now, at last, they were within sight of railway signals and +a long embankment; and over a pine wood a stream of smoke moved with a +swelling roar. Then into plain view broke the engine and carriage after +carriage racing behind. Regardless of risk, he leaped from his seat and +flung up the window, crying-- + +"Ach, look! Ve shall be late!" + +"That train is going north," said Eleanor. "Guess we've half an hour +good before yours comes in." + +So little can mortals read the stars that he heaved a sigh of relief, +and even murmured-- + +"Ve have timed him very luckily!" + +Ten minutes later they descended the hill to Torrydhulish Station. The +north-going train had paid its brief call and vanished nearly from sight +again; no one seemed to be moving about the station, and the Baron told +himself that nothing worse remained than the exercise of a little tact +in parting with his deliverers. + +"Ach! I shall carry it off gaily," he thought, and leaping lightly to +the ground, exclaimed with a genial air, as he gave his hand to Eva. + +"Vell! Now have I a leetle surprise for you, ladies!" + +Nor did he at all exaggerate their sensation. + +"Miss Maddison!" + +Alas, that it should be so far beyond the power of mere inky words to +express all that was implied in Eva's accents! + +"Miss Gallosh!" + +Nor is it less impossible to supply the significance of Eleanor's +intonation. + +"Ladies, ladies!" he implored, "do not, I pray you, misunderstand! I vas +not responsible--I could not help it. You both VOULD come mit me! No, +no, do not look so at me! I mean not zat--I mean I could not do vizout +both of you. Ach, Himmel! Vat do I say? I should say zat--zat----" + +He broke off with a start of apprehension. + +"Look! Zere comes a man mit a bicycle! Zis is too public! Come mit me +into ze station and I shall eggsplain! He waves his fist! Come! you +vould not be seen here?" + +He offered one arm to Eva, the other to Eleanor; and so alarming were +the gesticulations of the approaching cyclist, and so beseeching the +Baron's tones, that without more ado they clung to him and hurried on to +the platform. + +"Come to ze vaiting-room!" he whispered. "Zere shall ve be safe!" + +Alack for the luck of the Baron von Blitzenberg! Out of the very door +they were approaching stepped a solitary lady, sole passenger from the +south train, and at the sight of those three, linked arm in arm, she +staggered back and uttered a cry more piercing than the engine's distant +whistle. + +"Rudolph!" cried this lady. + +"Alicia!" gasped the Baron. + +His rescuers said nothing, but clung to him the more tightly, while in +the Baroness's startled eyes a harder light began to blaze. + +"Who are these, Rudolph?" + +He cleared his throat, but the process seemed to take some time, and in +the meanwhile he felt the grip of his deliverers relax. + +"Who is that lady?" demanded Eleanor. + +"His wife," replied the Baroness. + +The Baron felt his arms freed now; but still his Alicia waited an +answer. It came at last, but not from the Baron's lips. + +"Well, here you all are!" said a cheerful voice behind them. + + + +CHAPTER XXXVII + +They turned as though they expected to see an apparition. Nor was the +appearance of the speaker calculated to disappoint such expectations. +Their startled eyes beheld indeed the most remarkable figure that +had ever wheeled a bicycle down the platform of Torrydhulish Station. +Hatless, in evening clothes with blue lapels upon the coat, splashed +liberally with mud, his feet equipped only with embroidered socks and +saturated pumps, his shirt-front bestarred with souvenirs of all the +soils for thirty miles, Count Bunker made a picture that lived long in +their memories. Yet no foolish consciousness of his plight disturbed him +as he addressed the Baron. + +"Thank you, Baron, for escorting my fair friends so far. I shall now +take them off your hands." + +He smiled with pleasant familiarity upon the two astonished girls, and +then started as though for the first time he recognized the Baroness. + +"Baroness!" he cried, bowing profoundly, "this is a very unexpected +pleasure! You came by the early train, I presume? A tiresome journey, +isn't it?" + +But bewilderment and suspicion were all that he could read in reply. + +"What--what are YOU doing here?" + +He was not in the least disconcerted. + +"Meeting my cousins" (he indicated the Misses Gallosh and Maddison with +an amiable glance), "whom the Baron has been kind enough to look after +till my arrival." + +Audaciously approaching more closely, he added, in a voice intended for +her ear and the Baron's alone-- + +"I must throw myself, I see, upon your mercy, and ask you not to tell +any tales out of school. Cousins, you know, don't always want their +meetings advertised--do they, Baron?" + +Alicia's eyes softened a little. + +"Then, they are really your----" + +"Call 'em cousins, please! I have your pledge that you won't tell? Ah, +Baron, your charming wife and I understand one another." + +Then raising his voice for the benefit of the company generally-- + +"Well, you two will want to have a little talk in the waiting-room, I've +no doubt. We shall pace the platform. Very fit Rudolph's looking, isn't +he, Baroness? You've no idea how his lungs have strengthened." + +"His lungs!" exclaimed the Baroness in a changed voice. + +Giving the Baron a wink to indicate that there lay the ace of trumps, he +answered reassuringly-- + +"When you learn how he has improved you'll forgive me, I'm sure, for +taking him on this little trip. Well, see you somewhere down the line, +no doubt--I'm going by the same train." + +He watched them pass into the waiting-room, and then turned an altered +face to the two dumbfounded girls. It was expressive now solely of +sympathy and contrition. + +"Let us walk a little this way," he began, and thus having removed them +safely from earshot of the waiting-room door, he addressed himself to +the severest part of his task. + +"My dear girls, I owe you I don't know how many apologies for presuming +to claim you as my friends. The acuteness of the emergency is my only +excuse, and I throw myself most contritely upon your mercy!" + +This second projection of himself upon a lady's mercy proved as +successful as the first. + +"Well," said Eleanor slowly, "I guess maybe we can forgive you for that; +but what I want to know is--what's happened?--who's who?--and where just +exactly are we?" + +"That's just what I want to know too," added Eva sadly. + +Indeed, they both had a hint of tears in their eyes, and in their +voices. + +"What has happened," replied the Count, "is that a couple of thoughtless +masqueraders came up here to play a little joke, and succeeded in +getting themselves into a scrape. For your share in getting us out of it +we cannot feel too grateful." + +"But, who is----?" the girls began together, and then stopped, with a +rise of color and a suspicion of displeasure in their interchange of +eyes. + +"Who is who? Well, my friend is the Baron von Blitzenberg; and the lady +is, as she stated, his wife." + +"Then all this time----" began Eva. + +"He was married!" Eleanor finished for her. "Oh, the heartless +scoundrel! To think that I rescued him!" + +"I wouldn't have either!" said Eva; "I mean if--if I had known he +treated you so badly." + +"Treated ME! I was only thinking of YOU, Miss Gallosh!" + +"Dear ladies!" interposed the Count with his ready tact, "remember his +excuse." + +"His excuse?" + +"The beauty, the charm, the wit of the lady who took by storm a heart +not easily captured! He himself, poor fellow, thought it love-proof; but +he had not then met HER. Think mercifully of him!" + +He was so careful to give no indication which of the rival belles +was "her," that each was able to take to herself a certain mournful +consolation. + +"That wasn't MUCH excuse," said Eleanor, yet with a less vindictive air. + +"Certainly not VERY much," murmured Eva. + +"He ought to have thought of the pain he was giving HER," added Eleanor. + +"Yes," said Eva. "Indeed he ought!" + +"Yes, that is true," allowed the Count; "but remember his punishment! To +be married already now proves to be less his fault than his misfortune." + +By this time he had insidiously led them back to their car. + +"And must you return at once?" he exclaimed. + +"We had better," said Eleanor, with a suspicion of a sigh. "Miss +Gallosh, I'll drive you home first." + +"You're too kind, Miss Maddison." + +"Oh, no!" + +The Count assisted them in, greatly pleased to see this amicable spirit. +Then shaking hands heartily with each, he said-- + +"I can speak for my friend with conviction, because my own regard for +the lady in question is as deep and as sincere as his. Believe me, I +shall never forget her!" + +He was rewarded with two of the kindest smiles ever bestowed upon him, +and as they drove away each secretly wondered why she had previously +preferred the Baron to the Count. It seemed a singular folly. + +"Two deuced nice girls," mused he; "I do believe I told 'em the truth in +every particular!" + +He watched their car dwindle to a scurrying speck, and then strolled +back thoughtfully to purchase his ticket. + +He found the signals down, and the far-off clatter of the train +distinctly audible through the early morning air. A few minutes more and +he was stepping into a first-class compartment, his remarkable costume +earning (he could not but observe) the pronounced attention of the +guard. The Baron and Alicia, with an air of mutual affection, entered +another; both the doors were closed, everything seemed ready, yet the +train lingered. + +"Start ze train! Start ze train! I vill give you a pound--two +pound--tree pound, to start him!" + +The Count leaped up and thrust his head through the window. + +"What the dickens----!" thought he. + +Hanging out of the other window he beheld the clamant Baron urging the +guard with frenzied entreaty. + +"But they're wanting to go by the train, sir," said the guard. + +"No, no. Zey do not! It is a mistake! Start him!" + +Following their gaze he saw, racing toward them, the cause of their +delay. It was a motor car, yet not the same that had so lately departed. +In this were seated a young man and an elderly lady, both waving to +hold back the train; and to his vast amazement he recognized in the man +Darius Maddison, junior, in the lady the Countess of Grillyer. + +The car stopped, the occupants alighted, and the Countess, supported on +the strong arm of Ri, scuttled down the platform. + +"Bonker, take her in mit you!" groaned the Baron, and his head vanished +from the Count's sight. + +Even this ordeal was not too much for Bunker's fidelity. + +"Madam, there is room here!" he announced politely, as they swept past; +but with set faces they panted toward the doomed von Blitzenberg. + +All of the tragedy that the Count, with strained neck, could see or +overhear, was a vision of the Countess being pushed by the guard and her +escort into that first-class compartment whence so lately the Baron's +crimson visage had protruded, and the voice of Ri stridently declaring-- + +"Guess you'll recognize your momma this time, Baron!" + +A whistle from the guard, another from the engine, and they were off, +clattering southward in the first of the morning sunshine. + +Inadequately attired, damp, hungry, and divorced from tobacco as the +Count was, he yet could say to himself with the sincerest honesty, + +"I wouldn't change carriages with the Baron von Blitzenberg--not even +for a pair of dry socks and a cigar! Alas, poor Rudolph! May this teach +all young men a lesson in sobriety of conduct!" + +For which moral reflection the historian feels it incumbent upon him, +as a philosopher and serious psychologist, to express his conscientious +admiration. + + + +EPILOGUE + +IT was an evening in early August, luminous and warm; the scene, a +certain club now emptied of all but a sprinkling of its members; the +festival, dinner; and the persons of the play, that gentleman lately +known as Count Bunker and his friend the Baron von Blitzenberg. The +Count was habited in tweeds; the Baron in evening dress. + +"It vas good of you to come up to town jost to see me," said the Baron. + +"I'd have crossed Europe, Baron!" + +The Baron smiled faintly. Evidently he was scarcely in his most florid +humor. + +"I vish I could have asked you to my club, Bonker." + +"Are you dissatisfied with mine?" + +"Oh, no, no! But---- vell, ze fact is, it vould be reported by some one +if I took you to ze Regents. Bonker, she does have me watched!" + +"The Baroness?" + +"Her mozzer." + +"The deuce, Baron!" + +The diplomatist gloomily sipped his wine. + +"You did hush it all up, eh?" he inquired presently. + +"Completely." + +"Zank you. I vas so afraid of some scandal!" + +"So were they; that's where I had 'em." + +"Did zey write in moch anger?" + +"No--not very much; rather nice letters, in fact." + +The Baron began to cheer up. + +"Ach, so! Vas zere any news of--ze Galloshes?" + +"Yes, they seem very well. Old Rentoul has caught a salmon. Gallosh +hopes to get a fair bag----" + +"Bot did zey say nozing about--about Miss Eva?" + +"The letter was written by her, you see." + +"SHE wrote to YOU! Strange!" + +"Very odd, isn't it?" + +The Baron meditated for a minute and then inquired-- + +"Vat of ze Maddisons?" + +"Well, I gather that Mr. Maddison is erecting an ibis house in +connection with the aviary. Ri has gone to Kamchatka, but hopes to be +back by the 12th----" + +"And Eleanor--no vord of her?" + +"It was she who wrote, don't you know." + +"Eleanor--and also to you! Bot vy should she?" + +"Can't imagine; can you?" + +The Baron shook his head solemnly. "No, Bonker, I cannot." + +For some moments he pondered over the remarkable conduct of these +ladies; and then-- + +"Did you also hear of ze Wallingfords?" he asked. + +"I had a short note from them." + +"From him, or----" + +"Her." + +"So! Humph, zey all seem fond of writing letters." + +"Why--have you had any too?" + +"No; and I do not vant zem." + +Yet his immunity did not appear to exhilarate the diplomatist. + +"Another bottle of the same," said Bunker aside to the waiter. + +. . . . . . + + +It was an hour later; the scene and the personages the same, but the +atmosphere marvellously altered. + +"To ze ladies, Bonker!" + +"To HER, Baron!" + +"To zem both!" + +The genial heart, the magnanimous soul of Rudolph von Blitzenberg had +asserted their dominion again. Depression, jealousy, repentance, qualms, +and all other shackles of the spirit whatsoever, had fled discomfited. +Now at last he saw his late exploits in their true heroic proportions, +and realized his marvellous good fortune in satisfying his aspirations +so gloriously. Raising his glass once more, he cried-- + +"Dear Bonker, my heart he does go out to you! Ach, you have given me +soch a treat. Vunce more I schmell ze mountain dew--I hear ze pipes--I +gaze into loffly eyes--I am ze noblest part of mineself! Bonker, I +vill defy ze mozzer of my wife! I drink to you, my friend, mit +hip--hip--hip--hooray!" + +"You have more than repaid me," replied the Count, "by the spectacle +you have provided. Dear Baron, it was a panorama calculated to convert a +continent!" + +"To vat should it convert him?" inquired the Baron with interest. + +"To a creed even merrier than Socialism, more convivial than +Total Abstinence, and more perfectly designed for human needs than +Esperanto--the gospel of 'Cheer up.'" + +"Sheerup?" repeated the Baron, whose acquaintance with the English +words used in commerce and war was singularly intimate, but who was +occasionally at fault with terms of less portentous import. + +"A name given to the bridge that crosses the Slough of Despond," +explained the Count. + +The Baron still seemed puzzled. "I am not any wiser," said he. + +"Never cease thanking Heaven for that!" cried Bunker fervently. "The +man who once dubs himself wise is the jest of gods and the plague of +mortals." + +With this handsome tribute to the character and attainments of one of +these heroes, and the Baronial roar that congratulated the other, our +chronicle may fittingly leave them; since the mutual admiration of +two such catholic critics is surely more significant than the colder +approval of a mere historian. + + + + + +End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Count Bunker, by J. 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FOR PUBLIC DOMAIN ETEXTS*Ver.04.29.93*END* + + + + + +Scanned by Charles Keller with +OmniPage Professional OCR software +donated by Caere Corporation, 1-800-535-7226. +Contact Mike Lough <Mikel@caere.com> + + + + + +COUNT BUNKER + +BEING +A BALD YET VERACIOUS CHRONICLE CONTAINING +SOME FURTHER PARTICULARS OF TWO GENTLEMEN +WHOSE PREVIOUS CAREERS WERE TOUCHED UPON +IN A TOME ENTITLED "THE LUNATIC AT LARGE" + +BY +J. STORER CLOUSTON + + + + +COUNT BUNKER + + + +CHAPTER I + +It is only with the politest affectation of interest, +as a rule, that English Society learns the arrival +in its midst of an ordinary Continental nobleman; +but the announcement that the Baron Rudolph +von Blitzenberg had been appointed attache to the German +embassy at the Court of St. James was unquestionably +received with a certain flutter of excitement. That +his estates were as vast as an average English county, +and his ancestry among the noblest in Europe, would +not alone perhaps have arrested the attention of the +paragraphists, since acres and forefathers of foreign +extraction are rightly regarded as conferring at the most a +claim merely to toleration. But in addition to these he +possessed a charming English wife, belonging to one of +the most distinguished families in the peerage (the Grillyers +of Monkton-Grillyer), and had further demonstrated +his judgment by purchasing the winner of the +last year's Derby, with a view to improving the horse- +flesh of his native land. + +From a footnote attached to the engraving of the +Baron in a Homburg hat holding the head of the steed +in question, which formed the principal attraction in several +print-sellers' windows in Piccadilly, one gathered +that though his faculties had been cultivated and exercised +in every conceivable direction, yet this was his first +serious entrance into the diplomatic world. There was +clearly, therefore, something unusual about the appointment; +so that it was rumored, and rightly, that an international +importance was to be attached to the incident, +and a delicate compliment to be perceived in the selection +of so popular a link between the Anglo-Saxon and the +Teutonic peoples. Accordingly "Die Wacht am Rhein" +was played by the Guards' band down the entire length +of Ebury Street, photographs of the Baroness appeared +in all the leading periodicals, and Society, after its own +less demonstrative but equally sincere fashion, prepared +to welcome the distinguished visitors. + +They arrived in town upon a delightful day in July, +somewhat late in the London season, to be sure, yet not +too late to be inundated with a snowstorm of cards and +invitations to all the smartest functions that remained. +For the first few weeks, at least, you would suppose the +Baron to have no time for thought beyond official +receptions and unofficial dinners; yet as he looked from his +drawing-room windows into the gardens of Belgrave +Square upon the second afternoon since they had settled +into this great mansion, it was not upon such functions +that his fancy ran. Nobody was more fond of gaiety, +nobody more appreciative of purple and fine linen, than +the Baron von Blitzenberg; but as he mused there he began +to recall more and more vividly, and with an ever +rising pleasure, quite different memories of life in +London. Then by easy stages regret began to cloud this +reminiscent satisfaction, until at last he sighed-- + +"Ach, my dear London! How moch should I enjoy +you if I were free!" + +For the benefit of those who do not know the Baron +either personally or by repute, he may briefly be +described as an admirably typical Teuton. When he first +visited England (some five years previously) he stood +for Bavarian manhood in the flower; now, you behold +the fruit. As magnificently mustached, as ruddy of +skin, his eye as genial, and his impulses as hearty; he +added to-day to these two more stone of Teutonic excellences +incarnate. + +In his ingenuous glance, as in the more rounded contour +of his waistcoat, you could see at once that fate +had dealt kindly with him. Indeed, to hear him sigh was +so unwonted an occurrence that the Baroness looked up +with an air of mild surprise. + +"My dear Rudolph," said she, "you should really +open the window. You are evidently feeling the heat." + +"No, not ze heat," replied the Baron. + +He did not turn his head towards her, and she looked +at him more anxiously. + +"What is it, then? I have noticed a something strange +about you ever since we landed at Dover. Tell me, +Rudolph!" + +Thus adjured, he cast a troubled glance in her direction. +He saw a face whose mild blue eyes and undetermined +mouth he still swore by as the standard by which +to try all her inferior sisters, and a figure whose growing +embonpoint yearly approached the outline of his ideal +hausfrau. But it was either St. Anthony or one of his +fellow-martyrs who observed that an occasional holiday +from the ideal is the condiment in the sauce of sanctity; +and some such reflection perturbed the Baron at this +moment. + +"It is nozing moch," he answered. + +"Oh, I know what it is. You have grown so accustomed +to seeing the same people, year after year--the +Von Greifners, and Rosenbaums, and all those. You +miss them, don't you? Personally, I think it a very +good thing that you should go abroad and be a diplomatist, +and not stay in Fogelschloss so much; and you'll +soon make loads of friends here. Mother comes to us +next week, you know." + +"Your mozzer is a nice old lady," said the Baron +slowly. "I respect her, Alicia; bot it vas not mozzers +zat I missed just now." + +"What was it?" + +"Life!" roared the Baron, with a sudden outburst of +thundering enthusiasm that startled the Baroness completely +out of her composure. "I did have fun for my +money vunce in London. Himmel, it is too hot to eat +great dinners and to vear clothes like a monkey-jack." + +"Like a what?" gasped the Baroness. + +To hear the Baron von Blitzenberg decry the paraphernalia +and splendors of his official liveries was even +more astonishing than his remarkable denunciation of +the pleasures of the table, since to dress as well as play +the part of hereditary grandee had been till this minute +his constant and enthusiastic ambition. + +"A meat-jack, I mean--or a--I know not vat you +call it. Ach, I vant a leetle fun, Alicia." + +"A little fun," repeated the Baroness in a breathless +voice. "What kind of fun?" + +"I know not," said he, turning once more to stare +out of the window. + +To this dignified representative of a particularly +dignified State even the trees of Belgrave Square seemed at +that moment a trifle too conventionally perpendicular. +If they would but dance and wave their boughs he would +have greeted their greenness more gladly. A good-looking +nursemaid wheeled a perambulator beneath their +shade, and though she never looked his way, he took a +wicked pleasure in surreptitiously closing first one eye +and then the other in her direction. This might not +entirely satisfy the aspirations of his soul, yet it seemed +to serve as some vent for his pent-up spirit. He turned +to his spouse with a pleasantly meditative air. + +"I should like to see old Bonker vunce more," he +observed. + +"Bunker? You mean Mr. Mandell-Essington?" said +she, with an apprehensive note in her voice. + +"To me he vill alvays be Bonker." + +The Baroness looked at him reproachfully. + +"You promised me, Rudolph, you would see as +little as possible of Mr. Essington." + +"Oh, ja, as leetle--as possible," answered the Baron, +though not with his most ingenuous air. "Besides, it is +tree years since I promised. For tree years I have seen +nozing. My love Alicia, you vould not have me forget +mine friends altogezzer?" + +But the Baroness had too vivid a recollection of their +last (and only) visit to England since their marriage. +By a curious coincidence that also was three years ago. + +"When you last met you remember what happened?" +she asked, with an ominous hint of emotion in her +accents . + +"My love, how often have I eggsplained? Zat night +you mean, I did schleep in mine hat because I had got a +cold in my head. I vas not dronk, no more zan you. Vat +you found in my pocket vas a mere joke, and ze cabman +who called next day vas jost vat I told him to his ogly +face--a blackmail." + +"You gave him money to go away." + +"A Blitzenberg does not bargain mit cabmen," said +the Baron loftily. + +His wife's spirits began to revive. There seemed to +speak the owner of Fogelschloss, the haughty magnate +of Bavaria. + +"You have too much self-respect to wish to find yourself +in such a position again," she said. "I know you +have, Rudolph!" + +The Baron was silent. This appeal met with distinctly +less response than she confidently counted upon. In a +graver note she inquired-- + +"You know what mother thinks of Mr. Essington?" + +"Your mozzer is a vise old lady, Alicia; but we do +not zink ze same on all opinions." + +"She will be exceedingly displeased if you--well, if +you do anything that she THOROUGHLY disapproves of." + +The Baron left the window and took his wife's plump +hand affectionately within his own broad palm. + +"You can assure her, my love, zat I shall never do +vat she dislikes. You vill say zat to her if she +inquires?" + +"Can I, truthfully?" + +"Ach, my own dear!" + +From his enfolding arms she whispered tenderly-- + +"Of course I will, Rudolph!" + +With a final hug the embrace abruptly ended, and the +Baron hastily glanced at his watch. + +"Ach, nearly had I forgot! I must go to ze club +for half an hour." + +"Must you?" + +"To meet a friend." + +"What friend?" asked the Baroness quickly. + +"A man whose name you vould know vell--oh, vary +vell known he is! But in diplomacy, mine Alicia, a quiet +meeting in a club is sometimes better not to be advertised +too moch. Great wars have come from one vord of +indiscretion. You know ze axiom of Bismarck-- +'In diplomacy it is necessary for a diplomatist to be +diplomatic.' Good-by, my love." + +He bowed as profoundly as if she were a reigning +sovereign, blew an affectionate kiss as he went through +the door, and then descended the stairs with a rapidity +that argued either that his appointment was urgent or +that diplomacy shrank from a further test within this +mansion. + + + +CHAPTER II + +For the last year or two the name of Rudolph +von Blitzenberg had appeared in the members' +list of that most exclusive of institutions, +the Regent's Club, Pall Mall; and it was +thither he drove on this fine afternoon of July. At +no resort in London were more famous personages +to be found, diplomatic and otherwise, and nothing +would have been more natural than a meeting between the +Baron and a European celebrity beneath its roof; so that +if you had seen him bounding impetuously up the steps, +and noted the eagerness with which he inquired whether +a gentleman had called for him, you would have had +considerable excuse for supposing his appointment to be +with a dignitary of the highest importance. + +"Goot!" he cried on learning that a stranger was +indeed waiting for him. His face beamed with anticipatory +joy. Aha! he was not to be disappointed. + +"Vill he be jost the same?" he wondered. "Ah, if he +is changed I shall veep!" + +He rushed into the smoking-room, and there, instead +of any bald notability or spectacled statesman, there +advanced to meet him a merely private English gentleman, +tolerably young, undeniably good-looking, and graced +with the most debonair of smiles. + +"My dear Bonker!" cried the Baron, crimsoning with +joy. "Ach, how pleased I am!" + +"Baron!" replied his visitor gaily. "You cannot +deceive me--that waistcoat was made in Germany! Let +me lead you to a respectable tailor!" + +Yet, despite his bantering tone, it was easy to see that +he took an equal pleasure in the meeting. + +"Ha, ha!" laughed the Baron, "vot a fonny zing to +say! Droll as ever, eh?" + +"Five years less droll than when we first met," said +the late Bunker and present Essington. "You meet a +dullish dog, Baron--a sobered reveller." + +"Ach, no! Not surely? Do not disappoint me, dear +Bonker!" + +The Baron's plaintive note seemed to amuse his friend. + +"You don't mean to say you actually wish a boon +companion? You, Baron, the modern Talleyrand, the +repository of three emperors' secrets? My dear fellow, +I nearly came in deep mourning." + +"Mourning! For vat?" + +"For our lamented past: I supposed you would have +the air of a Nonconformist beadle." + +"My friend!" said the Baron eagerly, and yet with +a lowering of his voice, "I vould not like to engage a +beadle mit jost ze same feelings as me. Come here to +zis corner and let us talk! Vaiter! whisky--soda-- +cigars--all for two. Come, Bonker!" + +Stretched in arm-chairs, in a quiet corner of the room, +the two surveyed one another with affectionate and +humorous interest. For three years they had not seen +one another at all, and save once they had not met for +five. In five years a man may change his religion or lose +his hair, inherit a principality or part with a reputation, +grow a beard or turn teetotaler. Nothing so fundamental +had happened to either of our friends. The Baron's +fullness of contour we have already noticed; in Mandell- +Essington, EX Bunker, was to be seen even less evidence +of the march of time. But years, like wheels upon a road, +can hardly pass without leaving in their wake some faint +impress, however fair the weather, and perhaps his hair +lay a fraction of an inch higher up the temple, and in the +corners of his eyes a hint might even be discerned of +those little wrinkles that register the smiles and frowns. +Otherwise he was the same distinguished-looking, immaculately +dressed, supremely self-possessed, and charming +Francis Bunker, whom the Baron's memory stored +among its choicer possessions. + +"Tell me," demanded the Baron, "vat you are doing +mit yourself, mine Bonker." + +"Doing?" said Essington, lighting his cigar. +"Well, my dear Baron, I am endeavoring to live as I +imagine a gentleman should." + +"And how is zat?" + +"Riding a little, shooting a little, and occasionally +telling the truth. At other times I cock a wise eye at my +modest patrimony, now and then I deliver a lecture with +magic-lantern slides; and when I come up to town I +sometimes watch cricket-matches. A devilish invigorating +programme, isn't it?" + +"Ha, ha!" laughed the Baron again; he had come +prepared to laugh, and carried out his intention +religiously. "But you do not feel more old and sober, +eh?" + +"I don't want to, but no man can avoid his destiny. +The natives of this island are a serious people, or if they +are frivolous, it is generally a trifle vulgarly done. The +diversions of the professedly gay-hooting over pointless +badinage and speculating whose turn it is to get +divorced next--become in time even more sobering than +a scientific study with diagrams of how to breed pheasants +or play golf. If some one would teach us the +simple art of being light-hearted he would deserve to +be placed along with Nelson on his monument." + +"Oh, my dear vellow!" cried the Baron. "Do I hear +zese kind of vords from you?" + +"If you starved a city-full of people, wouldn't you +expect to hear the man with the biggest appetite cry +loudest?" + +The Baron's face fell further and Essington laughed +aloud. + +"Come, Baron, hang it! You of all people should +be delighted to see me a fellow-member of respectable +society. I take you to be the type of the conventional +aristocrat. Why, a fellow who's been travelling in Germany +said to me lately, when I asked about you--'Von +Blitzenberg,' said he, 'he's used as a simile for +traditional dignity. His very dogs have to sit up on their +hind-legs when he inspects the kennels!' " + +The Baron with a solemn face gulped down his +whisky-and-soda. + +"Zat is not true about my dogs," he replied, "but +I do confess my life is vary dignified. So moch is expected +of a Blitzenberg. Oh, ja, zere is moch state and +ceremony." + +"And you seem to thrive on it." + +"Vell, it does not destroy ze appetite," the Baron +admitted; "and it is my duty so to live at Fogelschloss, +and I alvays vish to do my duty. But, ach, sometimes I +do vant to kick ze trace!" + +"You mean you would want to if it were not for the +Baroness?" + +Bunker smiled whimsically; but his friend continued +as simply serious as ever. + +"Alicia is ze most divine woman in ze world--I respect +her, Bonker, I love her, I gonsider her my better +angel; but even in Heaven, I suppose, peoples sometimes +vould enjoy a stroll in Piccadeelly, or in some vay to +exercise ze legs and shout mit excitement. No doubt +you zink it unaccountable and strange--pairhaps ungrateful +of me, eh?" + +"On the contrary, I feel as I should if I feared this +cigar had gone out and then found it alight after all." + +"You say so! Ah, zen I will have more boldness to +confess my heart! Bonker, ven I did land in England ze +leetle thought zat vould rise vas--'Ze land of freedom +vunce again! Here shall I not have to be alvays ze +Baron von Blitzenberg, oldest noble in Bavaria, hereditary +carpet-beater to ze Court! I vill disguise and go +mit old Bonker for a frolic!' " + +"You touch my tenderest chord, Baron!" + +"Goot, goot, my friend!" cried the Baron, warming +to his work of confession like a penitent whose absolution +is promised in advance; "you speak ze vords I love to +hear! Of course I vould not be vicked, and I vould not +disgrace myself; but I do need a leetle exercise. Is it +possible?" + +Essington sprang up and enthusiastically shook his +hand. + +"Dear Baron, you come like a ray of sunshine +through a London fog--like a moulin rouge alighting +in Carlton House Terrace! I thought my own leaves +were yellowing; I now perceive that was only an autumnal +change. Spring has returned, and I feel like a +green bay tree!" + +"Hoch, hoch!" roared the Baron, to the great +surprise of two Cabinet Ministers and a Bishop who were +taking tea at the other side of the room. "Vat shall ve +do to show zere is no sick feeling?" + +"H'm," reflected Essington, with a comical look. +"There's a lot of scaffolding at the bottom of St. +James's Street. Should we have it down to-night? Or +what do you say to a packet of dynamite in the two- +penny tube?" + +The Baron sobered down a trifle. + +"Ach, not so fast, not qvite so fast, dear Bonker. +Remember I must not get into troble at ze embassy." + +"My dear fellow, that's your pull. Foreign diplomatists +are police-proof!" + +"Ah, but my wife!" + +"One stormy hour--then tears and forgiveness!" + +The Baron lowered his voice. + +"Her mozzer vill visit us next veek. I loff and respect +Lady Grillyer; but I should not like to have to ask her +for forgiveness." + +"Yes, she has rather an uncompromising nose, so far +as I remember." + +"It is a kind nose to her friends, Bonker," the Baron +explained, "but severe towards----" + +"Myself, for instance," laughed Essington. "Well, +what do you suggest?" + +"First, zat you dine mit me to-night. No, I vill take +no refusal! Listen! I am now meeting a distinguished +person on important international business--do you +pairceive? Ha, ha, ha! To-night it vill be necessary +ve most dine togezzer. I have an engagement, but he +can be put off for soch a great person as the man I am +now meeting at ze club! You vill gom?" + +"I should have been delighted--only unluckily I have +a man dining with me. I tell you what! You come and +join us! Will you?" + +"If zat is ze only vay--yes, mit pleasure! Who is +ze man?" + +"Young Tulliwuddle. Do you remember going to a +dance at Lord Tulliwuddle's, some five and a half years +ago?" + +"Himmel! Ha, ha! Vell do I remember!" + +"Well, our host of that evening died the other day, +and this fellow is his heir--a second or third cousin whose +existence was so displeasing to the old peer that he left +him absolutely nothing that wasn't entailed, and never +said 'How-do-you-do?' to him in his life. In +consequence, he may not entertain you as much as I should +like." + +"If he is your friend, I shall moch enjoy his society!" + +"I am flattered, but hardly convinced. Tulliwuddle's +intellect is scarcely of the sparkling kind. However, +come and try." + +The hour, the place, were arranged; a reminiscence or +two exchanged; fresh suggestions thrown out for the +rejuvenation of a Bavarian magnate; another baronial +laugh shook the foundations of the club; and then, as +the afternoon was wearing on, the Baron hailed a cab +and galloped for Belgrave Square, and the late Mr. +Bunker sauntered off along Pall Mall. + +"Who can despair of human nature while the Baron +von Blitzenberg adorns the earth?" he reflected. "The +discovery of champagne and the invention of summer +holidays were minor events compared with his descent +from Olympus!" + +He bought a button-hole at the street corner and +cocked his hat, more airily than ever. + +"A volcanic eruption may inspire one to succor +humanity, a wedding to condole with it, and a general +election to warn it of its folly; but the Baron inspires one +to amuse!" + +Meanwhile that Heaven-sent nobleman, with a manner +enshrouded in mystery, was comforting his wife. + +"Ah, do not grieve, mine Alicia! No doubt ze Duke +vill be disappointed not to see us to-night, but I have +telegraphed. Ja, I have said I had so important an +affair. Ach, do not veep! I did not know you wanted +so moch to dine mit ze old Duke. I sopposed you vould +like a quiet evening at home. But anyhow I have now +telegraphed--and my leetle dinner mit my friend--Ach, +it is so important zat I most rosh and get dressed. +Cheer up, my loff! Good-by!" + +He paused in answer to a tearful question. + +"His name? Alas, I have promised not to say. You +vould not have a European war by my indiscretion?" + + + +CHAPTER III + +With mirrors reflecting a myriad lights, +with the hum of voices, the rustle of +satin and lace, the hurrying steps of +waiters, the bubbling of laughter, of life, +and of wine--all these on each side of them, and a plate, +a foaming glass, and a friend in front, the Baron and +his host smiled radiantly down upon less favored mortals. + +"Tulliwuddle is very late," said Essington; "but he's +a devilish casual gentleman in all matters." + +"I am selfish enoff to hope he vill not gom at all!" +exclaimed the Baron. + +"Unfortunately he has had the doubtful taste to +conceive a curiously high opinion of myself. I am afraid +he won't desert us. But I don't propose that we shall +suffer for his slackness. Bring the fish, waiter." + +The Baron was happy; and that is to say that his +laughter re-echoed from the shining mirrors, his tongue +was loosed, his heart expanded, his glass seemed ever +empty. + +"Ach, how to make zis joie de vivre to last beyond to- +night!" he cried. "May ze Teufel fly off mit of offeecial +duties and receptions and--and even mit my vife for a +few days." + +"My dear Baron!" + +"To Alicia!" cried the Baron hastily, draining his +glass at the toast. "But some fun first!" + + " 'I could not love thee, dear, so well, + Loved I not humor more!' " + +misquoted his host gaily. "Ah!" he added, "here +comes Tulliwuddle." + +A young man, with his hands in his pockets and an +eyeglass in his eye, strolled up to their table. + +"I'm beastly sorry for being so late," said he; "but +I'm hanged if I could make up my mind whether to +risk wearing one of these frilled shirt-fronts. It's not +bad, I think, with one's tie tied this way. What do you +say?" + +"It suits you like a halo," Essington assured him. +"But let me introduce you to my friend the Baron +Rudolph von Blitzenberg." + +Lord Tulliwuddle bowed politely and took the empty +chair; but it was evident that his attention could not +concentrate itself upon sublunary matters till the shirt- +front had been critically inspected and appreciatively +praised by his host. Indeed, it was quite clear that +Essington had not exaggerated his regard for himself. +This admiration was perhaps the most pleasing feature +to be noted on a brief acquaintance with his lordship. +He was obviously intended neither for a strong man of +action nor a great man of thought. A tolerable appearance +and considerable amiability he might no doubt +claim; but unfortunately the effort to retain his eye- +glass had apparently the effect of forcing his mouth +chronically open, which somewhat marred his appearance; +while his natural good-humor lapsed too frequently +into the lamentations of an idle man that +Providence neglected him or that his creditors were too +attentive. + +It happens, however, that it is rather his +circumstances than his person which concern this history. And, +briefly, these were something in this sort. Born a poor +relation and guided by no strong hand, he had gradually +seen himself, as Reverend uncles and Right Honorable +cousins died of, approach nearer and nearer to +the ancient barony of Tulliwuddle (created 1475 in the +peerage of Scotland), until this year he had actually +succeeded to it. But after his first delight in this piece +of good fortune had subsided he began to realize in +himself two notable deficiencies very clearly, the lack of +money, and more vaguely, the want of any preparation +for filling the shoes of a stately courtier and famous +Highland chieftain. He would often, and with considerable +feeling, declare that any ordinary peer he +could easily have become, but that being old Tulliwuddle's +heir, by Gad! he didn't half like the job. + +At present he was being tolerated or befriended by a +small circle of acquaintances, and rapidly becoming a +familiar figure to three or four tailors and half a dozen +door-keepers at the stage entrances to divers Metropolitan +theatres. In the circle of acquaintances, the humorous +sagacity of Essington struck him as the most astonishing +thing he had ever known. He felt, in fact, +much like a village youth watching his first conjuring +performance, and while the whim lasted (a period which +Essington put down as probably six weeks) he would +have gone the length of paying a bill or ordering a +tie on his recommendation alone. + +To-night the distinguished appearance and genial +conversation of Essington's friend impressed him more +than ever with the advantages of knowing so remarkable +a personage. A second bottle succeeded the first, and a +third the second, the cordiality of the dinner growing +all the while, till at last his lordship had laid aside the +last traces of his national suspicion of even the most +charming strangers. + +"I say, Essington," he said, "I had meant to tell +you about a devilish delicate dilemma I'm in. I want +your advice." + +"You have it," interrupted his host. "Give her a +five-pound note, see that she burns your letters, and +introduce her to another fellow." + +"But--er--that wasn't the thing----" + +"Tell him you'll pay in six months, and order +another pair of trousers," said Essington, briskly as ever. + +"But, I say, it wasn't that----" + +"My dear Tulliwuddle, I never give racing tips." + +"Hang it!" + +"What is the matter?" + +Tulliwuddle glanced at the Baron. + +"I don't know whether the Baron would be interested----" + +"Immensely, my goot Tollyvoddle! Supremely! +hugely! I could be interested to-night in a museum!" + +"The Baron's past life makes him a peculiarly +catholic judge of indiscretions," said Essington. + +Thus reassured, Tulliwuddle began-- + +"You know I've an aunt who takes an interest in me-- +wants me to collar an heiress and that sort of thing. +Well, she has more or less arranged a marriage for me." + +"Fill your glasses, gentlemen!" cried Essington. + +"Hoch, hoch!" roared the Baron. + +"But, I say, wait a minute! That's only the +beginning. I don't know the girl--and she doesn't know +me." + +He said the last words in a peculiarly significant tone. + +"Do you wish me to introduce you?" + +"Oh, hang it! Be serious, Essington. The point +is--will she marry me if she does know me?" + +"Himmel! Yes, certainly!" cried the Baron. + +"Who is she?" asked their host, more seriously. + +"Her father is Darius P. Maddison, the American +Silver King." + +The other two could not withhold an exclamation. + +"He has only two children, a son and a daughter, and +he wants to marry his daughter to an English peer--or +a Scotch, it's all the same. My aunt knows 'em pretty +well, and she has recommended me." + +"An excellent selection," commented his host. + +"But the trouble is, they want rather a high-class +peer. Old Maddison is deuced particular, and I believe +the girl is even worse." + +"What are the qualifications desired?" + +"Oh, he's got to be ambitious, and a promising young +man--and elevated tastes--and all that kind of nonsense." + +"But you can be all zat if you try!" said the Baron +eagerly. "Go to Germany and get trained. I did vork +twelve hours a day for ten years to be vat I am." + +"I'm different," replied the young peer gloomily. +"Nobody ever trained me. Old Tulliwuddle might have +taken me up if he had liked, but he was prejudiced +against me. I can't become all those things now." + +"And yet you do want to marry the lady?" + +"My dear Essington, I can't afford to lose such a +chance! One doesn't get a Miss Maddison every day. +She's a deuced handsome girl too, they say." + +"By Gad, it's worth a trip across the Atlantic to try +your luck," said Essington. "Get 'em to guarantee +your expenses and you'll at least learn to play poker and +see Niagara for nothing." + +"They aren't in America. They've got a salmon +river in Scotland, and they are there now. It's not far +from my place, Hechnahoul." + +"She's practically in your arms, then?" + +"Ach. Ze affair is easy!" + +"Pipe up the clan and abduct her!" + +"Approach her mit a kilt!" + +But even those optimistic exhortations left the peer +still melancholy. + +"It sounds all very well," said he, "but my clansmen, +as you call 'em, would expect such a devil of a lot +from me too. Old Tulliwuddle spoiled them for any ordinary +mortal. He went about looking like an advertisement +for whisky, and called 'em all by their beastly +Gaelic names. I have never been in Scotland in my +life, and I can't do that sort of thing. I'd merely make +a fool of myself. If I'd had to go to America it +wouldn't have been so bad." + +At this weak-kneed confession the Baron could hardly +withhold an exclamation of contempt, but Essington, +with more sympathy, inquired-- + +"What do you propose to do, then?" + +His lordship emptied his glass. + +"I wish I had your brains and your way of carrying +things off, Essington!" he said, with a sigh. "If +you got a chance of showing yourself off to Miss Maddison +she'd jump at you!" + +A gleam, inspired and humorous, leaped into Essington's +eyes. The Baron, whose glance happened at the +moment to fall on him, bounded gleefully from his +seat. + +"Hoch!" he cried, "it is mine old Bonker zat I see +before me! Vat have you in your mind?" + +"Sit down, my dear Baron; that lady over there +thinks you are preparing to attack her. Shall we +smoke? Try these cigars." + +Throwing the Baron a shrewd glance to calm his +somewhat alarming exhilaration, their host turned with +a graver air to his other guest. + +"Tulliwuddle," said he, "I should like to help you." + +"I wish to the deuce you could!" + +Essington bent over the table confidentially. + +"I have an idea." + + + +CHAPTER IV + +The three heads bent forward towards a common +centre--the Baron agog with suppressed +excitement, Tulliwuddle revived with curiosity +and a gleam of hope, Essington impressive +and cool. + +"I take it," he began, "that if Mr. Darius P. +Maddison and his coveted daughter could see a little +of Lord Tulliwuddle--meet him at lunch, talk to +him afterwards, for instance--and carry away a +favorable impression of the nobleman, there would not +be much difficulty in subsequently arranging a marriage?" + +"Oh, none," said Tulliwuddle. "They'd be only too +keen, IF they approved of me; but that's the rub, you +know." + +"So far so good. Now it appears to me that our +modest friend here somewhat underrates his own powers +of fascination" + +"Ach, Tollyvoddle, you do indeed," interjected the +Baron. + +"But since this idea is so firmly established in his +mind that it may actually prevent him from displaying +himself to the greatest advantage, and since he has +been good enough to declare that he would regard with +complete confidence my own chances of success were I in +his place, I would propose--with all becoming diffidence-- +that _I_ should interview the lady and her parent +instead of him." + +"A vary vise idea, Bonker," observed the Baron. + +"What!" said Tulliwuddle. "Do you mean that +you would go and crack me up, and that sort of +thing?" + +"No; I mean that I should enjoy a temporary loan +of your name and of your residence, and assure them +by a personal inspection that I have a sufficient assortment +of virtues for their requirements." + +"Splendid!" shouted the Baron. "Tollyvoddle, +accept zis generous offer before it is too late!" + +"But," gasped the diffident nobleman, "they would +find out the next time they saw me." + +"If the business is properly arranged, that would +only be when you came out of church with her. Look +here--what fault have you to find with this scheme? +I produce the desired impression, and either propose at +once and am accepted----" + +"H'm," muttered Tulliwuddle doubtfully. + +"Or I leave things in such good train that you can +propose and get accepted afterwards by letter." + +"That's better," said Tulliwuddle. + +"Then, by a little exercise of our wits, you find an +excuse for hurrying on the marriage--have it a private +affair for family reasons, and so on. You will be +prevented by one excuse or another from meeting the lady +till the wedding-day. We shall choose a darkish church, +you will have a plaster on your face--and the deed is +done!" + +"Not a fault can I find," commented the Baron +sagely. "Essington, I congratulate you." + +Between his complete confidence in Essington and the +Baron's unqualified commendation, Lord Tulliwuddle +was carried away by the project. + +"I say, Essington, what a good fellow you are!" he +cried. "You really think it will work?" + +"What do you say, Baron?" + +"It cannot fail, I do solemnly assure you. Be +thankful you have soch a friend, Tollyvoddle!" + +"You don't think anybody will suspect that you aren't +really me?" + +"Does any one up at Hechnahoul know you?" + +"No." + +"And no one there knows me. They will never suspect +for an instant." + +His lordship assumed a look that would have been +serious, almost impressive, had he first removed his eye- +glass. Evidently some weighty consideration had occurred +to him. + +"You are an awfully clever chap, Essington," he +said, "and deuced superior to most fellows, and--er--all +that kind of thing. But--well--you don't mind my +saying it?" + +"My morals? My appearance? Say anything you +like, my dear fellow." + +"It's only this, that noblesse oblige, and that kind of +thing, you know." + +"I am afraid I don't quite follow." + +"Well, I mean that you aren't a nobleman, and do +you think you could carry things off like a--ah--like +a Tulliwuddle?" + +Essington remained entirely serious. + +"I shall have at my elbow an adviser whose knowledge +of the highest society in Europe is, without exaggeration, +unequalled. Your perfectly natural doubts +will be laid at rest when I tell you that I hope to +be accompanied by the Baron Rudolph von Blitzenberg." + +The Baron could no longer contain himself. + +"Himmel! Hurray! My dear friend, I vill go mit +you to hell!" + +"That's very good of you," said Essington, "but +you mistake my present destination. I merely wish your +company as far as the Castle of Hechnahoul." + +"I gom mit so moch pleasure zat I cannot eggspress! +Tollyvoddle, be no longer afraid. I have helped to +write a book on ze noble families of Germany--zat is to +say, I have contributed my portrait and some anecdote. +Our dear friend shall make no mistakes!" + +By this guarantee Lord Tulliwuddle's last doubts +were completely set at rest. His spirits rose as he +perceived how happily this easy avenue would lead him +out of all his troubles. He insisted on calling for +wine and pledging success to the adventure with the +most resolute and confident air, and nothing but a +few details remained now to be settled. These were +chiefly with regard to the precise limits up to which +the duplicate Lord Tulliwuddle might advance his +conquering arms. + +"You won't formally propose, will you?" said the +first edition of that peer. + +"Certainly not, if you prefer to negotiate the +surrender yourself," the later impression assured him. + +"And you mustn't--well--er----" + +"I shall touch nothing." + +"A girl might get carried away by you," said the +original peer a trifle doubtfully. + +"The Baron is the most scrupulous of men. He will +be by my side almost continually. Baron, you will act +as my judge, my censor, and my chaperon?" + +"Tollyvoddle, I swear to you zat I shall use an eye +like ze eagle. He shall be so careful--ach, I shall see to +it! Myself, I am a Bayard mit ze ladies, and Bonker he +shall not be less so!" + +"Thanks, Baron, thanks awfully," said his lordship. +"Now my mind is quite at rest!" + +In the vestibule of the restaurant they bade good- +night to the confiding nobleman, and then turned to one +another with an adventurer's smile. + +"You are sure you can leave your diplomatic +duties?" asked Essington. + +"Zey vill be my diplomatic duties zat I go to do! Oh, +I shall prepare a leetle story--do not fear me." + +The Baron chuckled, and then burst forth + +"Never was zere a man like you. Oh, cunning Mistair +Bonker! And you vill give me zomezing to do in ze +adventure, eh?" + +"I promise you that, Baron." + +As he gave this reassuring pledge, a peculiar smile +stole over Mr. Bunker's face--a smile that seemed to +suggest even happier possibilities than either of his +distinguished friends contemplated. + + + +CHAPTER V + +It is at all times pleasant to contemplate thorough +workmanship and sagacious foresight, particularly +when these are allied with disinterested purpose +and genuine enthusiasm. For the next +few days Mr. Bunker, preparing to carry out to +the best of his ability the delicate commission with +which he had been entrusted, presented this stimulating +spectacle. + +Absolutely no pains were left untaken. By the aid of +some volumes lent him by Tulliwuddle he learned, and +digested in a pocketbook, as much information as he +thought necessary to acquire concerning the history of +the noble family he was temporarily about to enter; +together with notes of their slogan or war-cry (spelled +phonetically to avoid the possibility of a mistake), of +their acreage, gross and net rentals, the names of their +land-agents, and many other matters equally to the +point. It was further to be observed that he spared no +pains to imprint these particulars in the Baron's Teutonic +memory--whether to support his own in case of need, +or for some more secret purpose, it were impossible to +fathom. Disguised as unconspicuous and harmless persons, +they would meet in many quiet haunts whose unsuspected +excellences they could guarantee from their +old experience, and there mature their philanthropic +plan. + +Not only had its talented originator to impress the +Tulliwuddle annals and statistics into his ally's eager +mind, but he had to exercise the nicest tact and discernment +lest the Baron's excess of zeal should trip their +enterprise at the very outset. + +"To-day I have told Alicia zat my visit to Russia vill +probably be vollowed by a visit to ze Emperor of China," +the Baron would recount with vast pride in his inventive +powers. "And I have dropped a leetle hint zat for an +envoy to be imprisoned in China is not to be surprised. +Zat vill prepare her in case I am avay longer zan ve +expect." + +"And how did she take that intimation?" asked +Essington, with a less congratulatory air than he had +expected. + +"I did leave her in tears." + +"My dear Baron, fly to her to tell her you are not +going to China! She will get so devilish alarmed if +you are gone a week that she'll go straight to the embassy +and make inquiries." + +He shook his head, and added in an impressive +voice-- + +"Never lie for lying's sake, Blitzenberg. Besides, +how do you propose to forge a Chinese post-mark?" + +The Baron had laid the foundations of his Russian +trip on a sound basis by requesting a friend of his in +that country to post to the Baroness the bi-weekly +budgets of Muscovite gossip which he intended to compose +at Hechnahoul. This, it seemed to him, would be a +simple feat, particularly with his friend Bunker to +assist; but he had to confess that the provision of Chinese +news would certainly be more difficult. + +"Ach, vell, I shall contradict China," he agreed. + +It will be readily believed that what with getting up +his brief, pruning the legends with which the Baron proposed +to satisfy his wife and his ambassador, and purchasing +an outfit suitable to the roles of peer and chieftain, +this indefatigable gentleman passed three or four +extremely busy days. + +"Ve most start before my dear mozzer-in-law does +gom!" the Baron more than once impressed upon him, +so that there was no moment to be wasted. + +Two days before their departure Mr. Bunker greeted +his ally with a peculiarly humorous smile. + +"The pleasures of our visit to Hechnahoul are to be +considerably augmented," said he. "Tulliwuddle has +only just made the discovery that his ancestral castle is +let; but his tenant, in the most handsome spirit, invites +us to be his guests so long as we are in Scotland. A +very hospitable letter, isn't it?" + +He handed him a large envelope with a more than +proportionately large crest upon it, and drawing from +this a sheet of note-paper headed by a second crest, the +Baron read this epistle: + + +"MY LORD,--Learning that you propose visiting +your Scottish estates, and Mr. M'Fadyen, your factor, +informing me no lodge is at present available for your +reception, it will give Mrs. Gallosh and myself great +pleasure, and we will esteem it a distinguished honor, +if you and your friend will be our guests at Hechnahoul +Castle during the duration of your visit. Should you +do us the honor of accepting, I shall send my steam +launch to meet you at Torrydhulish pier and convey +you across the loch, if you will be kind enough to advise +me which train you are coming by. + +"In conclusion, Mrs. Gallosh and myself beg to +assure you that although you find strangers in your +ancestral halls, you will receive both from your tenantry +and ourselves a very hearty welcome to your native +land. Believe me, your obedient servant, + "DUNCAN JNO. GALLOSH." + + +"Zat is goot news!" cried the Baron. "Ve shall have +company--perhaps ladies! Ach, Bonker, I have ze soft +spot in mine heart: I am so constant as ze needle to ze +pole; but I do like sometimes to talk mit voman!" + +"With Mrs. Gallosh, for instance?" + +"But, Bonker, zere may be a Miss Gallosh." + +"If you consulted the Baroness," said Bunker, +smiling, "I suspect she would prefer you to be imprisoned +in China." + +The Baron laughed, and curled his martial mustache +with a dangerous air. + +"Who is zis Gallosh?" he inquired. + +"Scottish, I judge from his name; commercial, from +his literary style; elevated by his own exertions, from +the size of his crest; and wealthy, from the fact that he +rents Hechnahoul Castle. His mention of Mrs. Gallosh +points to the fact that he is either married or would have +us think so; and I should be inclined to conclude that +he has probably begot a family." + +"Aha!" said the Baron. "Ve vill gom and see, +eh?" + + + +CHAPTER VI + +A carefully clothed young man, with an +eyeglass and a wavering gait, walked slowly +out of Euston Station. He had just seen +the Scottish express depart, and this event +seemed to have filled him with dubious reflections. In +fact, at the very last moment Lord Tulliwuddle's +confidence in his two friends had been a trifling degree +disturbed. It occurred to him as he lingered by the door +of their reserved first-class compartment that they had +a little too much the air of gentlemen departing on their +own pleasure rather than on his business. No sooner did +he drop a fretful hint of this opinion than their affectionate +protestations had quickly revived his spirit; but +now that they were no longer with him to counsel and +encourage, it once more drooped. + +"Confound it!" he thought, "I hadn't bargained on +having to keep out of people's way till they came back. +If Essington had mentioned that sooner, I don't know +that I'd have been so keen about the notion. Hang it! +I'll have to chuck the Morrells' dance. And I can't go +with the Greys to Ranelagh. I can't even dine with +my own aunt on Sunday. Oh, the devil!" + +The perturbed young peer waved his umbrella and +climbed into a hansom. + +"Well, anyhow, I can still go on seeing Connie. +That's some consolation," he told himself; and without +stopping to consider what would be the thoughts of his +two obliging friends had they known he was seeking +consolation in the society of one lady while they were +arranging his nuptials with another, the baptismal +Tulliwuddle drove back to the civilization of St. James's. + +Within the reserved compartment was no foreboding, +no faint-hearted paling of the cheek. As the train +clattered, hummed, and presently thundered on its way, the +two laughed cheerfully towards one another, delighted +beyond measure with the prosperous beginning of their +enterprise. The Baron could not sufficiently express his +gratitude and admiration for the promptitude with which +his friend had purveyed so promising an adventure. + +"Ve vill have fon, my Bonker. Ach! ve vill," he +exclaimed for the third or fourth time within a dozen miles +from Euston. + +His Bunker assumed an air half affectionate, half +apologetic. + +"I only regret that I should have the lion's share of +the adventure, my dear Baron." + +"Yes," said the Baron, with a symptom of a sigh, +"I do envy you indeed. Yet I should not say zat----" +Bunker swiftly interrupted him. + +"You would like to play a worthier part than merely +his lordship's friend?" + +"Ach! if I could." + +Bunker smiled benignantly. + +"Ah, Baron, you cannot suppose that I would really +do Tulliwuddle such injustice as to attempt, in my own +feeble manner, to impersonate him?" + +The Baron stared. + +"Vat mean you?" + +"YOU shall be the lion, _I_ the humble necessary jackal. +As our friend so aptly quoted, noblesse oblige. Of +course, there can be no doubt about it. You, Baron, +must play the part of peer, I of friend." + +The Baron gasped. + +"Impossible!" + +"Quite simple, my dear fellow." + +"You--you don't mean so?" + +"I do indeed." + +"Bot I shall not do it so vell as you." + +"A hundred times better." + +"Bot vy did you not say so before?" + +"Tulliwuddle might not have agreed with me." + +"Bot vould he like it now?" + +"It is not what he likes that we should consider, +it's what is good for his interests." + +"Bot if I should fail?" + +"He will be no worse off than before. Left to +himself, he certainly won't marry the lady. You give him +his only chance." + +"Bot more zan you vould, really and truthfully?" + +"My dear Baron, you are admitted by all to be +an ideal German nobleman. Therefore you will certainly +make an ideal British peer. You have the true +Grand-Seigneur air. No one would mistake you for +anything but a great aristocrat, if they merely saw +you in bathing pants; whereas I have something a +little different about my manner. I'm not so impressive-- +not so hall-marked, in fact." + +His friend's omniscient air and candidly eloquent +tone impressed the Baron considerably. His ingrained +conviction of his own importance accorded admirably +with these arguments. His thirst for "life" craved +this lion's share. His sanguine spirit leaped at the +appeal. Yet his well-regulated conscience could not +but state one or two patent objections. + +"Bot I have not read so moch of the Tollyvoddles +as you. I do not know ze strings so vell." + +"I have told you nearly everything I know. You +will find the rest here." + +Essington handed him the note-book containing his +succinct digest. In intelligent anticipation of this +contingency it was written in his clearest handwriting. + +"You should have been a German," said the Baron +admiringly. + +He glanced with sparkling eyes at the note-book, +and then with a distinctly greater effort the Teutonic +conscience advanced another objection. + +"Bot you have bought ze kilt, ze Highland hat, ze +brogue shoes." + +"I had them made to your measurements." + +The Baron impetuously embraced his thoughtful +friend. Then again his smile died away. + +"Bot, Bonker, my voice! Zey tell me I haf nozing +zat you vould call qvite an accent; bot a foreigner-- +one does regognize him, eh?" + +"I shall explain that in a sentence. The romantic +tincture of--well, not quite accent, is a pleasant little +piece of affectation adopted by the young bloods about +the Court in compliment to the German connections of +the Royal family." + +The Baron raised no more objections. + +"Bonker, I agree! Tollyvoddle I shall be, by Jove +and all!" + +He beamed his satisfaction, and then in an eager +voice asked-- + +"You haf not ze kilt in zat hat-box?" + +Unfortunately, however, the kilt was in the van. + +Now the journey, propitiously begun, became more +exhilarating, more exciting with each mile flung by. +The Baron, egged on by his friend's high spirits and +his own imagination to anticipate pleasure upon pleasure, +watched with rapture the summer landscape whiz +past the windows. Through the flat midlands of +England they sped; field after field, hedgerow after +hedgerow, trees by the dozen, by the hundred, by the +thousand, spinning by in one continuous green vista. +Red brick towns, sluggish rivers, thatched villages and +ancient churches dark with yews, the shining web of +junctions, and a whisking glimpse of wayside stations +leaped towards them, past them, and leagues +away behind. But swiftly as they sped, it was all +too slowly for the fresh-created Lord Tulliwuddle. + +"Are we not nearly to Scotland yet?" he inquired +some fifty times. + +" 'My heart's in the Highlands a-chasing the +dears!' " hummed the abdicated nobleman, whose +hilarity had actually increased (if that were possible) +since his descent into the herd again. + +All the travellers' familiar landmarks were hailed by +the gleeful diplomatist with encouraging comments. + +"Ach, look! Beauteeful view! How quickly it is +gone! Hurray! Ve must be nearly to Scotland." + +A panegyric on the rough sky-line of the north +country fells was interrupted by the entrance of the +dining-car attendant. Learning that they would dine, +he politely inquired in what names he should engage +their seats. Then, for an instant, a horrible confusion +nearly overcame the Baron. He--a von Blitzenberg-- +to give a false name! His color rose, he stammered, +and only in the nick of time caught his companion's +eye. + +"Ze Lord Tollyvoddle," he announced, with an +effort as heroic as any of his ancestors' most warlike +enterprises. + +Too impressed to inquire how this remarkable title +should be spelled, the man turned to the other +distinguished-looking passenger. + +"Bunker," said that gentleman, with smiling assurance. + +The man went out. + +"Now are ve named!" cried the Baron, his courage +rising the higher for the shock it had sustained. +"And you vunce more vill be Bonker? Goot!" + +"That satisfies you?" + +The Baron hesitated. + +"My dear friend, I have a splendid idea! Do you +know I did disgover zere used to be a nobleman in +Austria really called Count Bonker? He vas a famous +man; you need not be ashamed to take his name. Vy +should not you be Count Bonker?" + +"You prefer to travel in titled company? Well, +be hanged--why not! When one comes to think of +it, it seems a pity that my sins should always be +attributed to the middle classes." + +Accordingly this history has now the honorable task +of chronicling the exploits of no fewer than two +noblemen. + + + +CHAPTER VII + +Late that evening they reached a city which +the home-coming chieftain in an outburst of +Celtic fervor dubbed "mine own bonny +Edinburg!" and there they repaired for the +night to a hotel. Once more the Baron (we may still +style him so since the peerage of Tulliwuddle was +of that standing also) showed a certain diffidence +when it came to answering to his new title in public; +but in the seclusion of their private sitting-room he +was careful to assure his friend that this did not arise +from any lack of nerve or qualms zof conscience, but +merely through a species of headache--the result of +railway travelling. + +"Do not fear for me," he declared as he stirred +the sugar in his glass, "I have ze heart of a lion." + +The liquid he was sipping being nothing less potent +than a brew of whisky punch, which he had ordered +(or rather requested Bunker to order) as the most +romantically national compound he could think of, +produced, indeed, a fervor of foolhardiness. He insisted +upon opening the door wide, and getting Bunker +to address him as "Tollyvoddle," in a strident +voice, "so zat zey all may hear," and then answering +in a firm "Yes, Count Bonker, vat vould you say to +me?" + +It is true that he instantly closed the door again, +and even bolted it, but his display seemed to make a +vast impression upon himself. + +"Many men vould not dare so to go mit anozzer +name," he announced; "bot I have my nerves onder +a good gontrol." + +"You astonish me," said the Count. + +"I do even surprise myself," admitted the Baron. + +In truth the ordeal of carelessly carrying off an +alias is said by those who have undergone it (and the +report is confirmed by an experienced class of public +officials) to require a species of hardihood which, +fortunately for society, is somewhat rare. The most +daring Smith will sometimes stammer when it comes +to merely answering "Yes" to a cry of "Brown!" +and Count Bunker, whose knowledge of human nature +was profound and remarkably accurate, was careful to +fortify his friend by example and praise, till by the +time they went to bed the Baron could scarcely be +withheld from seeking out the manager and airing +his assurance upon him. Or, at least, he declared he +would have done this had he been sure that the manager +was not already in bed himself. + +Unfortunately at this juncture the Count committed +one of those indiscretions to which a gay spirit is +always prone, but which, to do him justice, seldom +sullied his own record as a successful adventurer. At +an hour considerably past midnight, hearing an +excited summons from the Baron's bedroom, he laid down +his toothbrush and hastened across the passage, to +find the new peer in a crimson dressing-gown of quilted +silk gazing enthusiastically at a lithograph that hung +upon the wall. + +"See!" he cried gleefully, "here is my own +ancestor. Bonker, I feel I am Tollyvoddle indeed." + +The print which had inspired this enthusiasm +depicted a historical but treasonable Lord Tulliwuddle +preparing to have his head removed. + +Giving it a droll look, the Count observed-- + +"Well, if it inspires you, my dear Baron, that's all +right. The omen would have struck me differently." + +"Ze omen!" murmured the Baron with a start. + +It required all Bunker's tact to revive his ally's +damped enthusiasm, and even at breakfast next morning +he referred in a gloomy voice to various premonitions +recorded in the history of his family, and the +horrible consequences of disregarding them. + +But by the time they had started upon their journey +north, his spirits rose a trifle; and when at length +all lowland landscapes were left far behind them, and +they had come into a province of peat streams and +granite pinnacles, with the gloom of pines and the +freshness of the birch blended like a May and December +marriage, all appearance, at least, of disquietude +had passed away. + +Yet the Count kept an anxious eye upon him. He +was becoming decidedly restless. At one moment he +would rave about the glorious scenery; the next, +plunge into a brown study of the Tulliwuddle rent- +roll; and then in an instant start humming an air and +smoking so fast that both their cases were empty while +they were yet half an hour from Torrydhulish Station. +Now the Baron took to biting his nails, looking at his +watch, and answering questions at random--a very different +spectacle from the enthusiastic traveller of +yesterday. + +"Only ten minutes more," observed Bunker in his +most cheering manner. + +The Baron made no reply. + +They were now running along the brink of a +glimmering loch, the piled mountains on the farther shore +perfectly mirrored; a tern or two lazily fishing; a +delicate summer sky smiling above. All at once Count +Bunker started-- + +"That must be Hechnahoul!" said he. + +The Baron looked and beheld, upon an eminence +across the loch, the towers and turrets of an imposing +mansion overtopping a green grove. + +"And here is the station," added the Count. + +The Baron's face assumed a piteous expression. + +"Bonker," he stammered, "I--I am afraid! You +be ze Tollyvoddle--I cannot do him!" + +"My dear Baron!" + +"Oh, I cannot!" + +"Be brave--for the honor of the fatherland. Play +the bold Blitzenberg!" + +"Ach, ja; but not bold Tollyvoddle. Zat picture-- +you vere right--it vas omen!" + +Never did the genius of Bunker rise more audaciously +to an occasion. + +"My dear Baron," said he, assuming on the instant +a confidence-inspiring smile, "that print was a hoax; it +wasn't old Tulliwuddle at all. I faked it myself." + +"So?" gasped the Baron. "You assure me +truly?" + +Muttering (the historian sincerely hopes) a petition +for forgiveness, Bunker firmly answered-- + +"I do assure you!" + +The train had stopped, and as they were the only +first-class passengers on board, a peculiarly magnificent +footman already had his hand upon the door. +Before turning the handle, he touched his hat. + +"Lord Tulliwuddle?" he respectfully inquired. + +"Ja--zat is, yes, I am," replied the Baron. + + + +CHAPTER VIII + +From the platform down to the pier was only +some fifty yards, and before them the travellers +perceived an exceedingly smart steam- +launch, and a stout middle-aged gentleman, +in a blue serge suit and yachting cap, advancing from +it to greet them. They had only time to observe that +he had a sanguine complexion, iron-gray whiskers, and +a wide-open eye, before he raised the cap and, in a +decidedly North British accent, thus addressed them-- + +"My lord--ahem!--your lordship, I should say-- +I presume I've the pleasure of seeing Lord Tulliwuddle?" + +The Count gently pushed his more distinguished +friend in front. With an embarrassment equal to their +host's, his lordship bowed and gave his hand. + +"I am ze Tollyvoddle--vary pleased--Mistair Gosh, +I soppose?" + +"Gallosh, my lord. Very honored to welcome you." + +In the round eyes of Mr. Gallosh, Count Bunker +perceived an unmistakable stare of astonishment at the +sound of his lordship's accented voice. The Baron, +on his part, was evidently still suffering from his +attack of stage fright; but again the Count's gifts +smoothed the creases from the situation. + +"You have not introduced me to our host, +Tulliwuddle," he said, with a gay, infectious confidence. + +"Ah, so! Zis is my friend Count Bunker--gom all +ze vay from Austria," responded the Baron, with no +glimmer of his customary aplomb. + +Making a mental resolution to warn his ally never +to say one word more about his fictitious past than +was wrung by cross-examination, the distinguished- +looking Austrian shook his host's hand warmly. + +"From Austria via London," he explained in his +pleasantest manner. "I object altogether to be +considered a foreigner, Mr. Gallosh; and, in fact, I often +tell Tulliwuddle that people will think me more English +than himself. The German fashions so much in vogue +at Court are transforming the very speech of your +nobility. Don't you sometimes notice it?" + +Thus directly appealed to, Mr. Gallosh became +manifestly perplexed. + +"Yes--yes, you're right in a way," he pronounced +cautiously. "I suppose they do that. But will ye +not take a seat? This is my launch. Hi! Robert, +give his lordship a hand on board!" + +Two mariners and a second tall footman assisted the +guests to embark, and presently they were cutting the +waters of the loch at a merry pace. + +In the prow, like youth, the Baron insisted upon +sitting with folded arms and a gloomy aspect; and +as his nerve was so patently disturbed, the Count +decidedly approved of an arrangement which left his +host and himself alone together in the stern. In his +present state of mind the Baron was capable of any +indiscretion were he compelled to talk; while, silent and +brooding in isolated majesty, he looked to perfection +the part of returning exile. So, evidently, thought +Mr. Gallosh. + +"His lordship is looking verra well," he confided to +the Count in a respectfully lowered voice. + +"The improvement has been remarkable ever since +his foot touched his native heath." + +"You don't say so," said Mr. Gallosh, with even +greater interest. "Was he delicate before?" + +"A London life, Mr. Gallosh." + +"True--true, he'll have been busy seeing his +friends; it'll have been verra wearing." + +"The anxiety, the business of being invested, +and so on, has upset him a trifle. You must put +down any little--well, peculiarity to that, Mr. Gallosh." + +"I understand--aye, umh'm, quite so. He'll like +to be left to himself, perhaps?" + +"That depends on his condition," said the Count +diplomatically. + +"It's a great responsibility for a young man; yon's +a big property to look after," observed Mr. Gallosh +in a moment. + +"You have touched the spot!" said the Count +warmly. "That is, in fact, the chief cause of Tulliwuddle's +curious moodiness ever since he succeeded to +the title. He feels his responsibilities a little too +acutely." + +Again Mr. Gallosh ruminated, while his guest from +the corner of his eye surveyed him shrewdly. + +"My forecast was wonderfully accurate," he said +to himself. + +The silence was first broken by Mr. Gallosh. As +if thinking aloud, he remarked-- + +"I was awful surprised to hear him speak! It's +the Court fashion, you say?" + +"Partly that; partly a prolonged residence on the +Continent in his youth. He acquired his accent then; +he has retained it for fashion's sake," explained the +Count, who thought it as well to bolster up the weakest +part of his case a little more securely. + +With this prudent purpose, he added, with a flattering +air of taking his host into his aristocratic confidence-- + +"You will perhaps be good enough to explain this +to the friends and dependants Lord Tulliwuddle is +about to meet? A breath of unsympathetic criticism +would grieve him greatly if it came to his ears." + +"Quite, quite," said Mr. Gallosh eagerly. "I'll +make it all right. I understand the sentiment pairfectly. +It's verra natural--verra natural indeed." + +At that moment the Baron started from his reverie +with an affrighted air. + +"Vat is zat strange sound!" he exclaimed. + +The others listened. + +"That's just the pipes, my lord," said Mr. Gallosh. +"They're tuning up to welcome you." + +His lordship stared at the shore ahead of them. + +"Zere are many peoples on ze coast!" he cried. +"Vat makes it for?" + +"They've come to receive you," his host explained. +"It's just a little spontaneous demonstration, my +lord." + +His lordship's composure in no way increased. + +"It was Mrs. Gallosh organized a wee bit entertainment +on his lordship's landing," their host explained +confidentially to the Count. "It's just informal, ye +understand. She's been instructing some of the tenants-- +and ma own girls will be there--but, oh, it's +nothing to speak of. If he says a few words in +reply, that'll be all they'll be expecting." + +The strains of "Tulliwuddle wha hae" grew ever +louder and, to an untrained ear, more terrific. In +a moment they were mingled with a clapping of hands +and a Highland cheer, the launch glided alongside the +pier, and, supported on his faithful friend's arm, the +panic-stricken Tulliwuddle staggered ashore. Before +his dazed eyes there seemed to be arrayed the vastest +and most barbaric concourse his worst nightmare had +ever imagined. Six pipers played within ten paces +of him, each of them arrayed in the full panoply of +the clan; at least a dozen dogs yelped their exultation; +and from the surrounding throng two ancient +men in tartan and four visions in snowy white stepped +forth to greet the distinguished visitors. + +The first hitch in the proceedings occurred at this +point. According to the unofficial but carefully +considered programme, the pipers ought to have ceased +their melody; but, whether inspired by ecstatic loyalty +or because the Tulliwuddle pibroch took longer to perform +than had been anticipated, they continued to skirl +with such vigor that expostulations passed entirely +unheard. Under the circumstances there was nothing +for it but shouting, and in a stentorian yell Mr. +Gallosh introduced his wife and three fair daughters. + +Thereupon Mrs. Gallosh, a broad-beamed matron +whose complexion contrasted pleasantly with her costume, +delivered the following oration-- + +"Lord Tulliwuddle, in the name of the women of +Hechnahoul--I may say in the name of the women of +all the Highlands--oor ain Heelands, my lord" (this +with the most insinuating smile)--"I bid you welcome +to your ancestral estates. Remembering the conquests +your ancestors used to make both in war and in a +gentler sphere" (Mrs. Gallosh looked archness itself), +"we ladies, I suppose, should regard your home- +coming with some misgivings; but, my lord, every +bonny Prince Charlie has his bonny Flora Macdonald, +and in this land of mountain, mist, and flood, where +'Dark Ben More frowns o'er the wave,' and where +'Ilka lassie has her laddie,' you will find a thousand +romantic maidens ready to welcome you as Ellen welcomed +Fitz-James! For centuries your heroic race has +adorned the halls and trod the heather of Hechnahoul, +and for centuries more we hope to see the offspring +of your lordship and some winsome Celtic maid rule +these cataracts and glens!" + +At this point the exertion of shouting down six +bagpipes in active eruption caused a temporary cessation +of the lady's eloquence, and the pause was filled +by the cheers of the crowd led by the "Hip-hip-hip!" +of Count Bunker, and by the broken and fortunately +inaudible protests of the embarrassed father of future +Tulliwuddles. In a moment Mrs. Gallosh had resumed-- + +"Lord Tulliwuddle, though I myself am only a +stranger to your clan, your Highland heart will feel +reassured when I mention that I belong through my +grandmother to the kindred clan of the Mackays!" +("Hear, hear!" from two or three ladies and gentlemen, +evidently guests of the Gallosh.) "We are but +visitors at Hechnahoul, yet we assure you that no more +devoted hearts beat in all Caledonia! Lord Tulliwuddle, +we welcome you!" + +"Put your hand on your heart and bow," whispered +Bunker. "Keep on bowing and say nothing!" + +Mechanically the bewildered Baron obeyed, and for +a few moments presented a spectacle not unlike royalty +in procession. + +But as some reply from him had evidently been +expected at this point, and the pipers had even ceased +playing lest any word of their chief's should be lost, +a pause ensued which might have grown embarrassing +had not the Count promptly stepped forward. + +"I think," he said, indicating two other snow-white +figures who held gigantic bouquets, "that a pleasant +part of the ceremony still remains before us." + +With a grateful glance at this discerning guest, +Mrs. Gallosh thereupon led forward her two youngest +daughters (aged fifteen and thirteen), who, with an +air so delightfully coy that it fell like a ray of +sunshine on the poor Baron's heart, presented him with +their flowery symbols of Hechnahoul's obeisance to its +lord. + +His consternation returned with the advance of the +two ancient clansmen who, after a guttural panegyric +in Gaelic, offered him further symbols--a claymore and +target, very formidable to behold. All these gifts +having been adroitly transferred to the arms of the +footmen by the ubiquitous Count, the Baron's emotions +swiftly passed through another phase when the +eldest Miss Gallosh, aged twenty, with burning eyes +and the most distracting tresses, dropped him a sweeping +courtesy and offered a final contribution--a fiery +cross, carved and painted by her own fair hands. + +A fresh round of applause followed this, and then +a sudden silence fell upon the assembly. All eyes were +turned upon the chieftain: not even a dog barked: +it was the moment of a lifetime. + +"Can you manage a speech, old man?" whispered +Bunker. + +"Ach, no, no, no! Let me escape. Oh, let me fly!" + +"Bury your face in your hands and lean on my +shoulder," prompted the Count. + +This stage direction being obeyed, the most effective +tableau conceivable was presented, and the climax was +reached when the Count, after a brief dumb-show +intended to indicate how vain were Lord Tulliwuddle's +efforts to master his emotion, spoke these words in the +most thrilling accents he could muster + +"Fair ladies and brave men of Hechnahoul! Your +chief, your friend, your father requests me to express +to you the sentiments which his over-wrought emotions +prevent him from uttering himself. On his behalf +I tender to his kind and courteous friends, Mr., +Mrs., and the fair maids Gallosh, the thanks of a long- +absent exile returned to his native land for the welcome +they have given him! To his devoted clan he not +only gives his thanks, but his promise that all rents shall +be reduced by one half--so long as he dwells among +them!" (Tumultuous applause, disturbed only by a +violent ejaculation from a large man in knickerbockers +whom Bunker justly judged to be the factor.) + +"With his last breath he shall perpetually thunder: +Ahasheen--comara--mohr!" + +The Tulliwuddle slogan, pronounced with the most +conscientious accuracy of which a Sassenach was capable, +proved as effective a curtain as he had anticipated; +and amid a perfect babel of cheering and bagpiping +the chieftain was led to his host's carriage. + + + +CHAPTER IX + +"Well, the worst of it is over," said Bunker +cheerfully. + +The Baron groaned. "Ze vorst is +only jost beginning to gommence." + +They were sitting over a crackling fire of logs in +the sitting-room of the suite which their host had +reserved for his honored visitors. How many heirlooms +and dusky portraits the romantic thoughtfulness +of the ladies had managed to crowd into this apartment +for the occasion were hard to compute; enough, +certainly, one would think, to inspire the most sluggish- +blooded Tulliwuddle with a martial exultation. +Instead, the chieftain groaned again. + +"Tell zem I am ill. I cannot gom to dinner. To- +morrow I shall take ze train back to London. Himmel! +Vy vas I fool enof to act soch dishonorable lies! I +deceive all these kind peoples!" + +"It isn't that which worries me," said Bunker +imperturbably. "I am only afraid that if you display +this spirit you won't deceive them." + +"I do not vish to," said the Baron sulkily. + +It required half an hour of the Count's most artful +blandishments to persuade him that duty, honor, and +prudence all summoned him to the feast. This being +accomplished, he next endeavored to convince him that +he would feel more comfortable in the airy freedom +of the Tulliwuddle tartan. But here the Baron was +obdurate. Now that the kilt lay ready to his hand +he could not be persuaded even to look at it. In +gloomy silence he donned his conventional evening +dress and announced, last thing before they left their +room-- + +"Bonker, say no more! To-morrow morning I depart!" + +Their hostess had explained that a merely informal +dinner awaited them, since his lordship (she observed) +would no doubt prefer a quiet evening after his long +journey. But Mrs. Gallosh was one of those good +ladies who are fond of asking their friends to take +"pot luck," and then providing them with fourteen +courses; or suggesting a "quiet little evening together," +when they have previously removed the drawing- +room carpet. It is an affectation of modesty apt +to disconcert the retiring guest who takes them at +their word. In the drawing-room of Mrs. Gallosh the +startled Baron found assembled--firstly, the Gallosh +family, consisting of all those whose acquaintance we +have already made, and in addition two stalwart school- +boy sons; secondly, their house-party, who comprised +a Mr. and Mrs. Rentoul, from the same metropolis of +commerce as Mr. Gallosh, and a hatchet-faced young +man with glasses, answering to the name of Mr. Cromarty- +Gow; and, finally, one or two neighbors. These +last included Mr. M'Fadyen, the large factor; the +Established Church, U.F., Wee Free, Episcopalian, +and Original Secession ministers, all of whom, together +with their kirks, flourished within a four-mile radius +of the Castle; the wives to three of the above; three +young men and their tutor, being some portion of a +reading-party in the village; and Mrs. Cameron- +Campbell and her five daughters, from a neighboring +dower-house upon the loch. + +It was fortunate that all these people were prepared +to be impressed with Lord Tulliwuddle, whatever he +should say or do; and further, that the unique position +of such a famous hereditary magnate even led them to +anticipate some marked deviation from the ordinary +canons of conduct. Otherwise, the gloomy brows; the +stare, apparently haughty, in reality alarmed; the +strange accent and the brief responses of the chief +guest, might have caused an unfavorable opinion of +his character. + +As it was, his aloofness, however natural, would +probably have proved depressing had it not been for +the gay charm and agreeable condescension of the +other nobleman. Seldom had more rested upon that +adventurer's shoulders, and never had he acquitted +himself with greater credit. It was with considerable +secret concern that he found himself placed at the +opposite end of the table from his friend, but his +tongue rattled as gaily and his smiles came as readily +as ever. With Mrs. Cameron-Campbell on one side, +and a minister's lady upon the other, his host two +places distant, and a considerable audience of silent +eaters within earshot, he successfully managed to +divert the attention of quite half the table from the +chieftain's moody humor. + +"I always feel at home with a Scotsman," he +discoursed genially. "His imagination is so quick, his +intellect so clear, his honesty so remarkable, and" +(with an irresistible glance at the minister's lady) "his +wife so charming." + +"Ha, ha!" laughed Mr. Gallosh, who was mellowing +rapidly under the influence of his own champagne. +"I'm verra glad to see you know good folks when +you meet them. What do you think now of the +English?" + +Having previously assured himself that his audience +was neat Scotch, the polished Austrian unblushingly +replied-- + +"The Englishman, I have observed, has a slightly +slower imagination, a denser intelligence, and is less +conspicuous for perfect honesty. His womankind also +have less of that nameless grace and ethereal beauty +which distinguish their Scottish sisters." + +It is needless to say that a more popular visitor +never was seen than this discriminating foreigner, and +if his ambitions had not risen above a merely personal +triumph, he would have been in the highest state of +satisfaction. But with a disinterested eye he every +now and then sought the farther end of the table, +where, between his hostess and her charming eldest +daughter, and facing his factor, the Baron had to +endure his ordeal unsupported. + +"I wonder how the devil he's getting on!" he more +than once said to himself. + +For better or for worse, as the dinner advanced, +he began to hear the Court accent more frequently, +till his curiosity became extreme. + +"His lordship seems in better spirits," remarked +Mr. Gallosh. + +"I hope to Heaven he may be!" was the fervent +thought of Count Bunker. + +At that moment the point was settled. With his +old roar of exuberant gusto the Baron announced, in +a voice that drowned even the five ministers-- + +"Ach, yes, I vill toss ze caber to-morrow! I vill +toss him--so high!" (his napkin flapped upwards). +"How long shall he be? So tall as my castle: Mees +Gallosh, you shall help me? Ach, yes! Mit hands so +fair ze caber vill spring like zis!" + +His pudding-spoon, in vivid illustration, skipped +across the table and struck his factor smartly on the +shirt-front. + +"Sare, I beg your pardon," he beamed with a +graciousness that charmed Mrs. Gallosh even more +than his spirited conversation--"Ach, do not return it, +please! It is from my castle silver--keep it in memory +of zis happy night!" + +The royal generosity of this act almost reconciled +Mrs. Gallosh to the loss of one of her own silver spoons. + +"Saved!" sighed Bunker, draining his glass with +a relish he had not felt in any item of the feast +hitherto. + +Now that the Baron's courage had returned, no +heraldic lion ever pranced more bravely. His laughter, +his jests, his compliments were showered upon the +delighted diners. Mr. Gallosh and he drank healths +down the whole length of the table "mit no tap-heels!" +at least four times. He peeled an orange for Miss +Gallosh, and cut the skin into the most diverting +figures, pressing her hand tenderly as he presented her +with these works of art. He inquired of Mrs. Gallosh +the names of the clergymen, and, shouting something +distantly resembling these, toasted them each and +all with what he conceived to be appropriate comments. +Finally he rose to his feet, and, to the surprise +and delight of all, delivered the speech they had +been disappointed of earlier in the day. + +"Goot Mr. Gallosh, fair Mrs. Gallosh, divine Mees +Gallosh, and all ze ladies and gentlemans, how sorry +I vas I could not make my speech before, I cannot +eggspress. I had a headache, and vas not vell vithin. +Ach, soch zings vill happen in a new climate. Bot now +I am inspired to tell you I loff you all! I zank you +eggstremely! How can I return zis hospitality? I +vill tell you! You must all go to Bavaria and stay +mit----" + +"Tulliwuddle! Tulliwuddle!" shouted Bunker +frantically, to the great amazement of the company. "Allow +me to invite the company myself to stay with me +in Bavaria!" + +The Baron turned crimson, as he realized the abyss +of error into which he had so nearly plunged. Adroitly +the Count covered his confusion with a fit of laughter +so ingeniously hearty that in a moment he had joined +in it too. + +"Ha, ha, ha!" he shouted. "Zat was a leetle joke +at my friend's eggspense. It is here, in my castle, you +shall visit me; some day very soon I shall live in him. +Meanvile, dear Mrs. Gallosh, gonsider it your home! +For me you make it heaven, and I cannot ask more +zan zat! Now let us gom and have some fon!" + +A salvo of applause greeted this conclusion. At the +Baron's impetuous request the cigars were brought +into the hall, and ladies and gentlemen all trooped out +together. + +"I cannot vait till I have seen Miss Gallosh dance +ze Highland reel," he explained to her gratified mother; +"she has promised me." + +"But you must dance too, Lord Tulliwuddle," said +ravishing Miss Gallosh. "You know you said you +would." + +"A promise to a lady is a law," replied the Baron +gallantly, adding in a lower tone, "especially to so +fair a lady!" + +"It's a pity his lordship hadn't on his kilt," put +in Mr. Gallosh genially. + +"By ze Gad, I vill put him on! Hoch! Ve vill +have some fon!" + +The Baron rushed from the hall, followed in a +moment by his noble friend. Bunker found him +already wrapping many yards of tartan about his +waist. + +"But, my dear fellow, you must take off your +trousers," he expostulated. + +Despite his glee, the Baron answered with something +of the Blitzenberg dignity-- + +"Ze bare leg I cannot show to-night--not to dance +mit ze young ladies. Ven I have practised, perhaps; +but not now, Bonker." + +Accordingly the portraits of four centuries of +Tulliwuddles beheld their representative appear in the very +castle of Hechnahoul with his trouser-legs capering beneath +an ill-hung petticoat of tartan. And, to make +matters worse in their canvas eyes, his own shameless +laugh rang loudest in the mirth that greeted his entrance. + +"Ze garb of Gaul!" he announced, shaking with +hilarity. "Gom, Bonker, dance mit me ze Highland +fling!" + +The first night of Lord Tulliwuddle's visit to his +ancestral halls is still remembered among his native +hills. The Count also, his mind now rapturously at +ease, performed prodigies. They danced together +what they were pleased to call the latest thing in London, +sang a duet, waltzed with the younger ladies, till +hardly a head was left unturned, and, in short, sent +away the ministers and their ladies, the five Miss +Cameron-Campbells, the reading-party, and particularly +the factor, with a new conception of a Highland +chief. As for the house-party, they felt that they +were fortunate beyond the lot of most ordinary +mortals. + + + +CHAPTER X + +The Baron sat among his heirlooms, laboriously +disengaging himself from his kilt. Fitfully +throughout this process he would warble +snatches of an air which Miss Gallosh +had sung. + +"Whae vould not dee for Sharlie?" he trolled, "Ze +yong chevalier!" + +"Then you don't think of leaving to-morrow +morning?" asked Count Bunker, who was watching him +with a complacent air. + +"Mein Gott, no fears!" + +"We had better wait, perhaps, till the afternoon?" + +"I go not for tree veeks! Gaben sie--das ist, +gim'me zat tombler. Vun more of mountain juice to +ze health of all Galloshes! Partic'ly of vun! Eh, old +Bonker?" + +The Count took care to see that the mountain juice +was well diluted. His friend had already found Scottish +hospitality difficult to enjoy in moderation. + +"Baron, you gave us a marvellously lifelike +representation of a Jacobite chieftain!" + +The Baron laughed a trifle vacantly. + +"Ach, it is easy for me. Himmel, a Blitzenberg +should know how! Vollytoddle--Toddyvolly--whatsh +my name, Bonker?" + +The Count informed him. + +"Tollivoddlesh is nozing to vat I am at home! +Abs'lutely nozing! I have a house twice as big as zis, +and servants--Ach, so many I know not! Bot, mein +Bonker, it is not soch fon as zis! Mein Gott, I most +get to bed. I toss ze caber to-morrow." + +And upon the arm of his faithful ally he moved +cautiously towards his bedroom. + +But if he had enjoyed his evening well, his pleasure +was nothing to the gratification of his hosts. They +could not bring themselves to break up their party +for the night: there were so many delightful reminiscences +to discuss. + +"Of all the evenings ever I spent," declared Mr. +Gallosh, "this fair takes the cake. Just to think of +that aristocratic young fellow being as companionable- +like! When first I put eyes on him, I said to myself-- +'You're not for the likes of us. All lords and ladies +is your kind. Never a word did he say in the boat +till he heard the pipes play, and then I really thought +he was frightened! It must just have been a kind of +home-sickness or something." + +"It'll have been the tuning up that set his teeth on +edge," Mrs. Gallosh suggested practically. + +"Or perhaps his heart was stirred with thoughts of +the past!" said Miss Gallosh, her eyes brightening. + +In any case, all were agreed that the development of +his hereditary instincts had been extraordinarily rapid. + +"I never really properly talked with a lord before," +sighed Mrs. Rentoul; "I hope they're all like this one." + +Mrs. Gallosh, on the other hand, who boasted of +having had one tete-a-tete and joined in several general +conversations with the peerage, appraised Lord Tulliwuddle +with greater discrimination. + +"Ah, he's got a soupcon!" she declared. "That's +what I admire!" + +"Do you mean his German accent?" asked Mr. +Cromarty-Gow, who was renowned for a cynical wit, +and had been seeking an occasion to air it ever since +Lord Tulliwuddle had made Miss Gallosh promise to +dance a reel with him. + +But the feeling of the party was so strongly against +a breath of irreverent criticism, and their protest so +emphatic, that he presently strolled off to the smoking- +room, wishing that Miss Gallosh, at least, would exercise +more critical discrimination. + +"Do you think would they like breakfast in their +own room, Duncan?" asked Mrs. Gallosh. + +"Offer it them--offer it them; they can but refuse, +and it's a kind of compliment to give them the opportunity." + +"His lordship will not be wanting to rise early," +said Mr. Rentoul. "Did you notice what an amount +he could drink, Duncan? Man, and he carried it fine! +But he'll be the better of a sleep-in in the morning, +him coming from a journey too." + +Mr. Rentoul was a recognized authority on such +questions, having, before the days of his affluence, +travelled for a notable firm of distillers. His praise of +Lord Tulliwuddle's capacity was loudly echoed by Mr. +Gallosh, and even the ladies could not but indulgently +agree that he had exhibited a strength of head worthy +of his race. + +"And yet he was a wee thing touched too," said Mr. +Rentoul sagely. "Maybe you were too far gone yourself, +Duncan, to notice it, and the ladies would just +think it was gallantry; but I saw it in his voice and his +legs--oh, just a wee thingie, nothing to speak of." + +"Surely you are mistaken!" cried Miss Gallosh. +"Wasn't it only excitement at finding himself at +Hechnahoul?" + +"There's two kinds of excitement," answered the +oracle. "And this was the kind I'm best acquaint +with. Oh, but it was just a wee bittie." + +"And who thinks the worse of him for it?" cried +Mr. Gallosh. + +This question was answered by general acclamation +in a manner and with a spirit that proved how deeply +his lordship's gracious behavior had laid hold of all +hearts. + + + +CHAPTER XI + +Breakfast in the private parlor was laid for +two; but it was only Count Bunker, arrayed +in a becoming suit of knickerbockers, and +looking as fresh as if he had feasted last +night on aerated water, who sat down to consume it. + +"Who would be his ordinary everyday self when +there are fifty more amusing parts to play," he +reflected gaily, as he sipped his coffee. "Blitzenberg +and Essington were two conventional members of society, +ageing ingloriously, tamely approaching five- +and-thirty in bath-chairs. Tulliwuddle and Bunker +are paladins of romance! We thought we had grown +up--thank Heaven, we were deceived!" + +Having breakfasted and lit a cigarette, he essayed +for the second time to arouse the Baron; but getting +nothing but the most somnolent responses, he set out +for a stroll, visiting the gardens, stables, kennels, and +keeper's house, and even inspecting a likely pool or two +upon the river, and making in the course of it several +useful acquaintances among the Tulliwuddle retainers. + +When he returned he found the Baron stirring a +cup of strong tea and staring at an ancestral portrait +with a thoughtful frown. + +"They are preparing the caber, Baron," he +remarked genially. + +"Stoff and nonsense; I vill not fling her!" was the +wholly unexpected reply. "I do not love to play ze +fool alvays!" + +"My dear Baron!" + +"Zat picture," said the Baron, nodding his head +solemnly towards the portrait. "It is like ze Lord +Tollyvoddle in ze print at ze hotel. I do believe he is ze +same." + +"But I explained that he wasn't Tulliwuddle." + +"He is so like," repeated the Baron moodily. "He +most be ze same." + +Bunker looked at it and shook his head. + +"A different man, I assure you." + +"Oh, ze devil!" replied the Baron. + +"What's the matter?" + +"I haff a head zat tvists and turns like my head +never did since many years." + +The Count had already surmised as much. + +"Hang it out of the window," he suggested. + +The Baron made no reply for some minutes. Then +with an earnest air he began-- + +"Bonker, I have somezing to say to you." + +"You have the most sympathetic audience outside +the clan." + +The Count's cheerful tone did not seem to please his +friend. + +"Your heart, he is too light, Bonker; ja, too light. +Last night you did engourage me not to be seemly." + +"I!" + +"I did get almost dronk. If my head vas not so +hard I should be dronk. Das ist not right. If I am +to be ze Tollyvoddle, it most be as I vould be Von +Blitzenberg. I most not forget zat I am not as ozzer +men. I am noble, and most be so accordingly." + +"What steps do you propose to take?" inquired +Bunker with perfect gravity. + +The Baron stared at the picture. + +"Last night I had a dream. It vas zat man--at +least, probably it vas, for I cannot remember eggsactly. +He did pursue me mit a kilt." + +"With what did you defend yourself?" + +"I know not: I jost remember zat it should be a +warning. Ve Blitzenbergs have ze gift to dream." + +The Baron rose from the table and lit a cigar. +After three puffs he threw it from him. + +"I cannot smoke," he said dismally. "It has a +onpleasant taste." + +The Count assumed a seriously thoughtful air. + +"No doubt you will wish to see Miss Maddison as +soon as possible and get it over," he began. "I have +just learned that their place is about seven miles away. +We could borrow a trap this afternoon----" + +"Nein, nein!" interrupted the Baron. "Donnerwetter! +Ach, no, it most not be so soon. I most +practise a leetle first. Not so immediately, Bonker." + +Bunker looked at him with a glance of unfathomable +calm. + +"I find that it will be necessary for you to observe +one or two ancient ceremonies, associated from time +immemorial with the accession of a Tulliwuddle. You +are prepared for the ordeal?" + +"I most do my duty, Bonker." + +"This suggests some more inspiring vision than the +gentleman in the gold frame," thought the Count +acutely. + +Aloud he remarked + +"You have high ideals, Baron." + +"I hope so." + +Again the Baron was the unconscious object of a +humorous, perspicacious scrutiny. + +"Last night I did hear zat moch was to be expected +from me," he observed at length. + +"From Mrs. Gallosh?" + +"I do not zink it vas from Mrs. Gallosh." + +Count Bunker smiled. + +"You inflamed all hearts last night," said he. + +The Baron looked grave. + +"I did drink too moch last night. But I did not +say vat I should not, eh? I vas not rude or gross to-- +Mistair Gallosh?" + +"Not to Mr. Gallosh." + +The Baron looked a trifle perturbed at the gravity +of his tone. + +"I vas not too free, too undignified in presence of +zat innocent and charming lady--Miss Gallosh?" + +The air of scrutiny passed from Count Bunker's +face, and a droll smile came instead. + +"Baron, I understand your ideals and I appreciate +your motives. As you suggest, you had better rehearse +your part quietly for a few days. Miss Maddison will +find you the more perfect suitor." + +The Baron looked as though he knew not whether to +feel satisfied or not. + +"By the way," said the Count in a moment, "have +you written to the Baroness yet? Pardon me for +reminding you, but you must remember that your letters +will have to go out to Russia and back." + +The Baron started. + +"Teufel!" he exclaimed. "I most indeed write." + +"The post goes at twelve." + +The Baron reflected gloomily, and then slowly moved +to the writing-table and toyed with his pen. A few +minutes passed, and then in a fretful voice he asked-- + +"Vat shall I say?" + +"Tell her about your journey across Europe--how +the crops look in Russia--what you think of St. Petersburg-- +that sort of thing." + +A silent quarter of an hour went by, and then the +Baron burst out + +"Ach, I cannot write to-day! I cannot invent like +you. Ze crops--I have got zat--and zat I arrived safe +--and zat Petersburg is nice. Vat else?" + +"Anything you can remember from text-books on +Muscovy or illustrated interviews with the Czar. Just +a word or two, don't you know, to show you've been +there; with a few comments of your own." + +"Vat like comments?" + +"Such as--'Somewhat annoyed with bombs this +afternoon,' or 'This caused me to reflect upon the +disadvantages of an alcoholic marine'--any little bit of +philosophy that occurs to you." + +The Baron pondered. + +"It is a pity zat I have not been in Rossia," he +observed. + +"On the other hand, it is a blessing your wife hasn't. +Look at the bright side of things, my dear fellow." + +For a short time, from the way in which the Baron +took hasty notes in pencil and elaborated them in ink +(according to the system of Professor Virchausen), it +appeared that he was following his friend's directions. +Later, from a sentimental look in his eye, the Count +surmised that he was composing an amorous addendum; +and at last he laid down his pen with a sigh which the +cynical (but only the cynical) might have attributed +to relief. + +"Ha, my head he is getting more clear!" he +announced. "Gom, let us present ourselves to ze ladies, +mine Bonker!" + + + +CHAPTER XII + +"It is necessary, Bonker--you are sure?" + +"No Tulliwuddle has ever omitted the ceremony. +If you shirked, I am assured on the very +best authority that it would excite the gravest +suspicions of your authenticity." + +Count Bunker spoke with an air of the most resolute +conviction. Ever since they arrived he had taken +infinite pains to discover precisely what was expected of +the chieftain, and having by great good luck made the +acquaintance of an elderly individual who claimed to +be the piper of the clan, and who proved a perfect +granary of legends, he was able to supply complete +information on every point of importance. Once the +Baron had endeavored to corroborate these particulars +by interviewing the piper himself, but they had found +so much difficulty in understanding one another's +dialects that he had been content to trust implicitly to his +friend's information. The Count, indeed, had rather +avoided than sought advice on the subject, and the +piper, after several confidential conversations and the +passage of a sum of silver into his sporran, displayed +an equally Delphic tendency. + +The Baron, therefore, argued the present point no +longer. + +"It is jost a mere ceremony," he said. "Ach, vell, +nozing vill happen. Zis ghost--vat is his name?" + +"It is known as the Wraith of the Tulliwuddles. +The heir must interview it within a week of coming to +the Castle." + +"Vere most I see him?" + +"In the armory, at midnight. You bring one +friend, one candle, and wear a bonnet with one eagle's +feather in it. You enter at eleven and wait for an +hour--and, by the way, neither of you must speak +above a whisper." + +"Pooh! Jost hombog!" said the Baron valiantly. +"I do not fear soch trash." + +"When the Wraith appears----" + +"My goot Bonker, he vill not gom!" + +"Supposing he does come--and mind you, strange +things happen in these old buildings, particularly in +the Highlands, and after dinner; if he comes, Baron, +you must ask him three questions." + +The Baron laughed scornfully. + +"If I see a ghost I vill ask him many interesting +questions--if he does feel cold, and sochlike, eh? Ha, +ha!" + +With an imperturbable gravity that was not without +its effect upon the other, however gaily he might talk, +Bunker continued + +"The three questions are: first, 'What art thou?' +second, 'Why comest thou here, O spirit?' third, +'What instructions desirest thou to give me?' Strictly +speaking, they ought to be asked in Gaelic, but exceptions +have been made on former occasions, and Mac- +Dui--who pipes, by the way, in the anteroom--assures +me that English will satisfy the Wraith in your +case." + +The Baron sniffed and laughed, and twirled up the +ends of his mustaches till they presented a particularly +desperate appearance. Yet there was a faint intonation +of anxiety in his voice as he inquired-- + +"You vill gom as my friend, of course?" + +"I? Quite out of the question, I am sorry to say. +To bring a foreigner (as I am supposed to be) would +rouse the clan to rebellion. No, Baron, you have a +chance of paying a graceful compliment to your host +which you must not lose. Ask Mr. Gallosh to share +your vigil." + +"Gallosh--he vould not be moch good sopposing-- +Ach, but nozing vill happen! I vill ask him." + +The pride of Mr. Gallosh on being selected as his +lordship's friend on this historic occasion was pleasant +to witness. + +"It's just a bit of fiddle-de-dee," he informed his +delighted family. "Duncan Gallosh to be looking for +bogles is pretty ridiculous--but oh, I can't refuse to +disoblige his lordship." + +"I should think not, when he's done you the honor +to invite you out of all his friends!" said Mrs. Gallosh +warmly. "Eva! do you hear the compliment +that's been paid your papa?" + +Eva, their fair eldest daughter, came into the room +at a run. She had indeed heard (since the news was +on every tongue), and impetuously she flung her arms +about her father's neck. + +"Oh, papa, do him credit!" she cried; "it's like a +story come true! What a romantic thing to happen!" + +"What a spirit!" her mother reflected proudly. +"She is just the girl for a chieftain's bride!" + +That very night was chosen for the ceremony, and +eleven o'clock found them all assembled breathless in +the drawing-room: all, save Lord Tulliwuddle and his +host. + +"Will they have to wait for a whole hour?" asked +Mrs. Gallosh in a low voice. + +Indeed they all spoke in subdued accents. + +"I am told," replied the Count, "that the apparition +never appears till after midnight has struck. Any time +between twelve and one he may be expected." + +"Think of the terrible suspense after twelve has +passed!" whispered Eva. + +The Count had thought of this. + +"I advised Duncan to take his flask," said Mr. +Rentoul, with a solemn wink. "So he'll not be so +badly off." + +"Papa would never do such a thing to-night!" +cried Eva. + +"It's always a kind of precaution," said the sage. + +Presently Count Bunker, who had been imparting +the most terrific particulars of former interviews with +the Wraith to the younger Galloshes, remarked that he +must pass the time by overtaking some pressing correspondence. + +"You will forgive me, I hope, for shutting myself +up for an hour or so," he said to his hostess. "I shall +come back in time to learn the results of the meeting." + +And with the loss of his encouraging company a +greater uneasiness fell upon the party. + +Meanwhile, in a vast cavern of darkness, lit only by +the solitary candle, the Baron and his host endeavored +to maintain the sceptical buoyancy with which they +had set forth upon their adventure. But the chilliness +of the room (they had no fire, and it was a misty night +with a moaning wind), the inordinate quantity of odd- +looking shadows, and the profound silence, were +immediately destructive to buoyancy and ultimately trying +to scepticism. + +"I wish ze piper vould play," whispered the Baron. + +"Mebbe he'll begin nearer the time," his companion +suggested. + +The Baron shivered. For the first time he had been +persuaded to wear the full panoply of a Highland +chief, and though he had exhibited himself to the ladies +with much pride, and even in the course of dinner had +promised Eva Gallosh that he would never again don +anything less romantic, he now began to think that a +travelling-rug of the Tulliwuddle tartan would prove +a useful addition to the outfit on the occasion of a +midnight vigil. Also the stern prohibition against +talking aloud (corroborated by the piper with many +guttural warnings) grew more and more irksome as +the night advanced. + +"It's an awesome place," whispered Mr. Gallosh. + +"I hardly thought it would have been as lonesome- +like." + +There was a tremor in his voice that irritated the +Baron. + +"Pooh!" he answered, "it is jost vun old piece of +hombog! I do not believe in soch things myself." + +"Neither do I, my lord; oh, neither do I; but-- +would you fancy a dram?" + +"Not for me, I zank you," said his lordship stiffly. + +Blessing the foresight of Mr. Rentoul, his host +unscrewed his flask and had a generous swig. As he was +screwing on the top again, the Baron, in a less haughty +voice, whispered + +"Perhaps jost vun leetle taste." + +They felt now for a few minutes more aggressively +disposed. + +"Ve need not have ze curtain shut," said the Baron. +"Soppose you do draw him?" + +Through the gloom Mr. Gallosh took one or two +faltering steps. + +"Man, it's awful hard to see one's way," he said +nervously. + +The Baron took the candle, and with a martial stride +escorted him to the window. They pulled aside one +corner of the heavy curtain, and then let it fall again +and hurried back. So far north there was indeed a +gleam of daylight left, but it was such a pale and +ghostly ray, and the wreaths of mist swept so eerily +and silently across the pane, that candle-light and shadows +seemed vastly preferable. + +"How much more time will there be?" whispered +Mr. Gallosh presently. + +"It is twenty-five minutes to twelve." + +"Your lordship! Can we leave at twelve?" + +The Baron started. + +"Oh, Himmel!" he exclaimed. "Vy did I not realize +before? If nozing comes--and nozing vill come--ve +most stay till one, I soppose." + +Mr. Gallosh emitted something like a groan. + +"Oh my, and that candle will not last more than +half an hour at the most!" + +"Teufel!" said the Baron. "It vas Bonker did +give him to me. He might have made a more proper +calculation." + +The prospect was now gloomy indeed. An hour +of candle-light had been bad, but an hour of pitch +darkness or of mist wreaths would be many times +worse. + +"A wee tastie more, my lord?" Mr. Gallosh +suggested, in a voice whose vibrations he made an effort +to conceal. + +"Jost a vee," said his lordship, hardly more firmly. + +With a dismal disregard for their suspense the minutes +dragged infinitely slowly. The flask was finished; +the candle guttered and flickered ominously; the very +shadows grew restless. + +"There's a lot of secret doors and such like in this +part of the house--let's hope there'll be nothing coming +through one of them," said Mr. Gallosh in a breaking voice. + +The Baron muttered an inaudible reply, and then +with a start their shoulders bumped together. + +"Damn it, what's yon!" whispered Mr. Gallosh. + +"Ze pipes! Gallosh, how beastly he does play!" + +In point of fact the air seemed to consist of only +one wailing note. + +"Bong!"--they heard the first stroke of midnight +on the big clock on the Castle Tower; and so unfortunately +had Count Bunker timed the candle that on the +instant its flame expired. + +"Vithdraw ze curtains!" gasped the Baron. + +"I canna, my lord! Oh, I canna!" wailed Mr. +Gallosh, breaking out into his broadest native Scotch. + +This time the Baron made no movement, and in the +palpitating silence the two sat through one long dark +minute after another, till some ten of them had passed. + +"I shall stand it no more!" muttered the Baron. +"Ve vill creep for ze door." + +"My lord, my lord! For maircy's sake gie's a hold +of you!" stammered Mr. Gallosh, falling on his hands +and knees and feeling for the skirt of his lordship's +kilt. + +But their flight was arrested by a portent so +remarkable that had there been only a single witness one +would suppose it to be a figment of his imagination. +Fortunately, however, both the Baron and Mr. Gallosh +can corroborate each detail. About the middle, +apparently, of the wall opposite, an oblong of light +appeared in the thickest of the gloom. + +"Mein Gott!" cried the Baron. + +"It's filled wi' reek!" gasped Mr. Gallosh. + +And indeed the space seemed filled with a slowly +rising cloud of pungent blue smoke. Then their horrified +eyes beheld the figure of an undoubted Being hazily +outlined behind the cloud, and at the same time the +piper, as if sympathetically aware of the crisis, burst +into his most dreadful discords. A yell rang through +the gloom, followed by the sounds of a heavy body +alternately scuffling across the floor and falling +prostrate over unseen furniture. The Baron felt for his +host, and realized that this was the escaping Gallosh. + +"Tulliwuddle! Speak!" a hollow voice muttered +out of the smoke. + +The Baron has never ceased to exult over the hardihood +he displayed in this unnerving crisis. Rising to +his feet and drawing his claymore, he actually managed +to stammer out-- + +"Who--who are you?" + +The Being (he could now perceive dimly that it was +clad in tartan) answered in the same deep, measured +voice-- + + "Your senses to confound and fuddle, + Behold the Wraith of Tulliwuddle!" + + +This was sufficiently terrifying, one would think, to +excuse the Baron for following the example of his host. +But, though he found afterwards that he must have +perspired freely, he courageously stood his ground. + +"Vy have you gomed here?" he demanded in a voice +nearly as hollow as the Wraith' + +As solemnly as before the spirit replied-- + + "From Pit that's bottomless and dark-- + Methinks I hear it shrieking--Hark!" + + +(The Baron certainly did hear a tumult that might +well be termed infernal; though whether it emanated +from Mr. Gallosh, fiends, or the piper, he could not at +the moment feel certain.) + + "I came o'er many leagues of heather + To carry back the answer whether + The noble chieftain of my clan + Conducts him like a gentleman." + + +After this warning, to put the third question +required an effort of the most supreme resolution. The +Baron was equal to it, however. + +"Vat instroction do you give me?" he managed to +utter. + +In the gravest accents the Wraith chanted-- + + "Hang ever kilt above the knee, + With Usquebaugh be not too free, + When toasts and sic'like games be mooted + See that your dram be well diluted; + And oh, if you'd escape from Hades, + Lord Tulliwuddle, 'ware the ladies!" + + +The spirit vanished as magically as he had appeared, +and with this solemn warning ringing in his ears, the +Baron found himself in inky darkness again. This +time he did not hesitate to grope madly for the door, +but hardly had he reached it, when, with a fresh sensation +of horror, he stumbled upon a writhing form that +seemed to be pawing the panels. He was, fortunately; +as quickly reassured by hearing the voice of Mr. Gallosh +exclaim in terrified accents-- + +"I canna find the haundle! Oh, Gosh, where's the +haundle?" + +Being the less frenzied of the two, the Baron did +succeed in finding the handle, and with a gasp of relief +burst into the lighted anteroom. The piper had +already departed, and evidently in haste, since he had +left some portion of a bottle of whisky unfinished. +This fortunate circumstance enabled them to recover +something of their color, though, even when he felt his +blood warming again, Mr. Gallosh could scarcely speak +coherently of his terrible ordeal. + +"What an awfu' night! what an awfu' night!" he +murmured. "Oh, my lord, let's get out of this!" + +He was making for the door when the Baron seized +his arm. + +"Vait!" he cried. "Ze danger is past! Ach, vas +I not brave? Did you not hear me speak to him? You +can bear vitness how brave I vas, eh?" + +"I'll not swear I heard just exactly what passed, +my lord. Man, I'll own I was awful feared!" + +"Tuts! tuts!" said the Baron kindly. "Ve vill say +nozing about zat. You stood vell by me, I shall say. +And you vill tell zem I did speak mit courage to ze +ghost." + +"I will that!" said Mr. Gallosh. + +By the time they reached the drawing-room he had +so far recovered his equanimity as to prove a very +creditable witness, and between them they gave such +an account of their adventure as satisfied even the +excited expectations of their friends; though the Baron +thought it both prudent and more becoming his dignity +to leave considerable mystery attaching to the precise +revelations of his ancestral spirit. + +"Bot vere is Bonker?" he asked, suddenly noticing +the absence of his friend. + +A moment later the Count entered and listened with +the greatest interest to a second (and even more +graphic) account of the adventure. More intimate +particulars still were confided to him when they had +retired to their own room, and he appeared as surprised +and impressed as any wraith-seer could desire. As +they parted for the night, the Baron started and +sniffed at him. + +"Vat a strange smell you have!" he exclaimed. + +"Peat smoke, probably. This fire wouldn't draw." + +"Strange!" mused the Baron. "I did smell a leetle +smell of zat before to-night." + +"Yes; one notices it all through the house with an +east wind." + +This seemed to the Baron a complete explanation of +the coincidence. + + + +CHAPTER XIII + +At the house in Belgrave Square at present +tenanted by the Baron and Baroness von +Blitzenberg, an event of considerable +importance had occurred. This was nothing +less than the arrival of the Countess of Grillyer upon +a visit both of affection and state. So important was +she, and so great the attachment of her daughter, that +the preparations for her reception would have served +for a reigning sovereign. But the Countess had an +eye as quick and an appetite for respect as exacting +as Queen Elizabeth, and she had no sooner embraced +the Baroness and kissed her ceremoniously upon either +cheek, than her glance appeared to seek something that +she deemed should have been there also. + +"And where is Rudolph?" she demanded. "Is he +so very busy that he cannot spare a moment even to +welcome me?" + +The Baroness changed color, but with as easy an air +as she could assume she answered that Rudolph had +most unfortunately been summoned from England. + +"Indeed?" observed the Countess, and the observation +was made in a tone that suggested the advisability +of a satisfactory explanation. + +This paragon among mothers and peeresses was a +lady of majestic port, whose ascendant expression and +commanding voice were commonly held to typify all +that is best in the feudal system; or, in other words, +to indicate that her opinions had never been contradicted +in her life. When one of these is a firm belief +in the holder's divine rights and semi-divine origin, the +effect is undoubtedly impressive. And the Countess +impressed. + +"My dear Alicia," said she, when they had settled +down to tea and confidential talk, "you have not yet +told me what has taken Rudolph abroad again so +soon." + +On nothing had the Baron laid more stress than on +the necessity of maintaining the most profound secrecy +respecting his mission. "No, not even to your mozzer +most you say. My love, you vill remember?" had been +almost his very last words before departing for St. +Petersburg. His devoted wife had promised this not +once, but many times, while his finger was being shaken +at her, and would have scorned herself had she thought +it possible to break her vows. + +"That is a secret, mamma," she declared. + +Her mother opened her eyes. + +"A secret from me, Alicia?" + +"Rudolph made me promise." + +"Not to tell your friends--but that hardly was +intended to include your mother." + +The Baroness looked uncomfortable. + +"I--I'm afraid----" she began, and stopped in +hesitation. + +"Did he specifically include me?" demanded the +Countess in an altered tone. + +"I think, mamma, he did," her daughter faltered. + +"Ah!" + +And there was a world of meaning in that comment. + +"Believe me, mamma, it is something very, very +important, or Rudolph would certainly have let me tell +you all about it." + +Lady Grillyer opened her eyes still wider. + +"Then I am to understand that he wishes to conceal +from me anything that he considers of importance?" + +"Oh, no! Not that! I only mean that this thing +is very secret." + +"Alicia," pronounced the Countess, "when a man +specifically conceals anything from his mother-in-law, +you may be quite certain that she ought to be informed +of it at once." + +"I--I can't, mamma!" + +"A trip to Germany--for it is there, I presume, he +has gone--back to the scenes of his bachelorhood, +unprotected by the influence of his wife! Do you call +that a becoming procedure?" + +"But he hasn't gone to Germany." + +"He has no business anywhere else!" + +"You forget his diplomatic duties." + +"Ah! He professes to have gone on diplomatic +business?" + +"Professes, mamma?" exclaimed the poor Baroness. +"How can you say such a thing! He certainly has +gone on a diplomatic mission!" + +"To Paris, no doubt?" suggested Lady Grillyer, +with an intonation that made it quite impossible not to +contradict her. + +"Certainly not! He has gone to Russia." + +The more the Countess learned, the more anxious +she appeared to grow. + +"To Russia, on a diplomatic mission? This is +incredible, Alicia!" + +"Why should it be incredible?" demanded Alicia, +flushing. + +"Because he is a mere tyro in diplomacy. Because +there is a German embassy at Petersburg, and they +would not send a man from London on a mission--at +least, it is most unlikely." + +"It seems to me quite natural," declared the +Baroness. + +She was showing more fight than her mother had +ever encountered from her before, and the opposition +seemed to inflame Lady Grillyer's resentment against +the unfilial couple. + +"You know nothing about it! What is this mission +about?" + +"That certainly is a secret," said Alicia, relieved +that there was something left to keep her promise over. + +"Has he gone alone?" + +"I--I mustn't tell you, mamma." + +Alicia's face betrayed this subterfuge. + +"You do not know yourself, Alicia," said the +Countess incisively. "And so you need no longer +pretend to be keeping a secret from me. It now becomes +our joint business to discover the actual truth. Do +not attempt to wrangle with me further! This +investigation is necessary for your peace of mind, dear." + +The unfortunate Baroness dropped a silent tear. +Her peace of mind had been serenely undisturbed till +this moment, and now it was only broken by the +thought of her husband's displeasure should he ever +learn how she had disobeyed his injunctions. Further +investigation was the very last thing to cure it, she +said to herself bitterly. She looked piteously at her +parent, but there she only saw an expression of +concentrated purpose. + +"Have you any reason, Alicia, to suspect an +attachment--an affair of any kind?" + +"Mamma!" + +"Do not jump in that excitable manner. Think +quietly. He has evidently returned to Germany for +some purpose which he wishes to conceal from us: the +natural supposition is that a woman is at the bottom +of it." + +"Rudolph is incapable----" + +"No man is incapable who is in the full possession +of his faculties. I know them perfectly." + +"But, mamma, I cannot bear to think of such a +thing!" + +"That is a merely middle-class prejudice. I can't +imagine where you have picked it up." + +In point of fact, during Alicia's girlhood Lady +Grillyer had always been at the greatest pains to preserve +her daughter's innocent simplicity, as being preeminently +a more marketable commodity than precocious +worldliness. But if reminded of this she would probably +have retorted that consistency was middle-class +also. + +"I have no reason to suspect anything of the sort," +the Baroness declared emphatically. + +Her mother indulged her with a pitying smile and +inquired-- + +"What other explanation can you offer? Among +his men friends is there anyone likely to lead him into +mischief?" + +"None--at least----" + +"Ah!" + +"He promised me he would avoid Mr. Bunker--I +mean Mr. Essington." + +The Countess started. She had vivid and exceedingly +distasteful recollections of Mr. Bunker. + +"That man! Are they still acquainted?" + +"Acquainted--oh yes; but I give Rudolph credit +for more sense and more truthfulness than to renew +their friendship." + +The Countess pondered with a very grave expression +upon her face, while Alicia gently wiped her eyes and +ardently wished that her honest Rudolph was here to +defend his character and refute these baseless insinuations. +At length her mother said with a brisker air-- + +"Ah! I know exactly what we must do. I shall +make a point of seeing Sir Justin Wallingford tomorrow." + +"Sir Justin Wallingford!" + +"If anybody can obtain private information for us +he can. We shall soon learn whether the Baron has +been sent to Russia." + +Alicia uttered a cry of protest. Sir Justin, ex- +diplomatist, author of a heavy volume of Victorian +reminiscences, and confidant of many public personages, +was one of her mother's oldest friends; but to +her he was only one degree less formidable than the +Countess, and quite the last person she would have +chosen for consultation upon this, or indeed upon any +other subject. + +"I am not going to intrust my husband's secrets to +him!" she exclaimed. + +"I am," replied the Countess. + +"But I won't allow it! Rudolph would be----" + +"Rudolph has only himself to blame. My dear +Alicia, you can trust Sir Justin implicitly. When my +child's happiness is at stake I would consult no one +who was not discretion itself. I am very glad I +thought of him." + +The Baroness burst into tears. + +"My child, my child!" said her mother compassionately. +"The world is no Garden of Eden, however +much we may all try to make it so." + +"You--you don't se--seem to be trying now, +mamma." + +"May Heaven forgive you, my darling," +pronounced the Countess piously. + + + +CHAPTER XIV + +"Sir Justin," said the Countess firmly, "please +tell my daughter exactly what you have discovered." + +Sir Justin Wallingford sat in the drawing- +room at Belgrave Square with one of these ladies on +either side of him. He was a tall, gaunt man with a +grizzled black beard, a long nose, and such a formidably +solemn expression that ambitious parents were in +the habit of wishing that their offspring might some +day be as wise as Sir Justin Wallingford looked. His +fund of information was prodigious, while his reasoning +powers were so remarkable that he had never been +known to commit the slightest action without furnishing +a full and adequate explanation of his conduct. +Thus the discrimination shown by the Countess in +choosing him to restore a lady's peace of mind will at +once be apparent. + +"The results of my inquiries," he pronounced, +"have been on the whole of a negative nature. If this +mission on which the Baron von Blitzenberg professes +to be employed is in fact of an unusually delicate +nature, it is just conceivable that the answer I received +from Prince Gommell-Kinchen, when I sounded him at +the Khalifa's luncheon, may have been intended merely +to throw dust in my eyes. At the same time, his +highness appeared to speak with the candor of a man who +has partaken, not excessively, you understand, but I +may say freely, of the pleasures of the table." + +He looked steadily first at one lady and then at the +other, to let this point sink in. + +"And what did the Prince say?" asked the Baroness, +who, in spite of her supreme confidence in her husband, +showed a certain eager nervousness inseparable from a +judicial inquiry. + +"He told me--I merely give you his word, and +not my own opinion; you perfectly understand that, +Baroness?" + +"Oh yes," she answered hurriedly. + +"He informed me that, in fact, the Baron had been +obliged to ask for a fortnight's leave of absence to +attend to some very pressing and private business in +connection with his Silesian estates." + +"I think, Alicia, we may take that as final," said +her mother decisively. + +"Indeed _I_ shan't!" cried Alicia warmly. "That +was just an excuse, of course. Rudolph's business is +so very delicate that--that--well, that you could only +expect Prince Gommell-Kinchen to say something of +that sort." + +"What do you say to that, Sir Justin?" demanded +the Countess. + +With the air of a man doing what was only his duty, +he replied-- + +"I say that I think it is improbable. In fact, since +you demand to know the truth, I may inform you that +the Prince added that leave of absence was readily +given, since the Baron's diplomatic duties are merely +nominal. To quote his own words, 'Von Blitzenberg +is a nice fellow, and it pleases the English ladies to +play with him.' " + +Even Lady Grillyer was a trifle taken aback at this +description of her son-in-law, while Alicia turned scarlet +with anger. + +"I don't believe he said anything of the sort!" she +cried. "You both of you only want to hurt me and +insult Rudolph! I won't stand it!" + +She was already on her feet to leave them, when +her mother stopped her, and Sir Justin hastened to +explain. + +"No reflection upon the Baron's character was +intended, I assure you. The Prince merely meant to +imply that he represented the social rather than the +business side of the embassy. And both are equally +necessary, I assure you--equally essential, Baroness, +believe me." + +"In fact," said the Countess, "the remark comes to +this, that Rudolph would never be sent to Russia, whatever +else they might expect of him." + +Even through their tears Alicia's eyes brightened +with triumph. + +"But he HAS gone, mamma! I got a letter from +him this morning--from St. Petersburg!" + +The satisfaction of her two physicians on hearing +this piece of good news took the form of a start which +might well have been mistaken for mere astonishment, +or even for dismay. + +"And you did not tell ME of it!" cried her mother. + +"Rudolph did not wish me to. I have only told you +now to prove how utterly wrong you both are." + +"Let me see this letter!" + +"Indeed, mamma, I won't!" + +The two ladies looked at one another with such +animosity that Sir Justin felt called upon to interfere. + +"Suppose the Baroness were to read us as much as +is necessary to convince us that there is no possibility +of a mistake," he suggested. + +So profoundly did the Countess respect his advice +that she graciously waived her maternal rights so far +as actually following the text with her eyes went; while +her daughter, after a little demur, was induced to +depart this one step further from her husband's injunctions. + +"You have no objections to my glancing at the +post-mark?" said Sir Justin when this point was +settled. + +With a toss of her head the Baroness silently handed +him the envelope. + +"It seems correct," he observed cautiously. + +"But post-marks can be forged, can't they?" +inquired the Countess. + +"I fear they can," he admitted, with a sorrowful air. + +Scorning to answer this insinuation, the Baroness +proceeded to read aloud the following extracts + +" 'I travelled with comfort through Europe, and +having by many countries passed, such as Germany +and others, I arrived, my dear Alicia, in Russia.' " + +"Is that all he says about his journey?" interrupted +Lady Grillyer. + +"It is certainly a curiously insufficient description +of a particularly interesting route," commented Sir +Justin. + +"It almost seems as if he didn't know what other +countries lie between England and Russia," added the +Countess. + +"It only means that he knows geography doesn't +interest me!" replied Alicia. "And he does say more +about his journey--'Alone by myself, in a carriage +very quietly I travelled.' And again--'To be observed +not wishing, and strict orders being given to me, with +no man I spoke all the way.' There!" + +"That certainly makes it more difficult to check his +statements," Sir Justin admitted. + +"Ah, he evidently thought of that!" said the +Countess. "If he had said there was anyone with him, we +could have asked him afterwards who it was. What a +pity! Read on, my child--we are vastly interested." + +Thus encouraged, the Baroness continued + +" 'In Russia the crops are good, and from my +window with pleasure I observe them. Petersburg is a +nice town, and I have a pleasant apartment in it!' " + +"What!" exclaimed the Countess. "He is looking +at the crops from his window in St. Petersburg!" + +Sir Justin grimly pursed his lips, but his silence was +more ominous than speech. In fact, the Baron's +unfortunate effort at realism by the introduction of his +window struck the first blow at his wife's implicit trust +in him. She was evidently a little disconcerted, though +she stoutly declared-- + +"He is evidently living in the suburbs, mamma." + +"Will you be so kind as to read on a little farther?" +interposed Sir Justin in a grave voice. + +" 'The following reflections have I made. Russia is +very large and cold, where people in furs are to be +seen, and sledges. Bombs are thrown sometimes, and +the marine is not good when it does drink too much.' +Now, mamma, he must have seen these things or he +wouldn't put them in his letter." + +The Baroness broke of somewhat hurriedly to make +this comment, almost indeed as though she felt it to +be necessary. As for her two comforters, they looked +at one another with so much sorrow that their eyes +gleamed and their lips appeared to smile. + +"The Baron did not write that letter in Russia," +said Sir Justin decisively. "Furs are not worn in +summer, nor do the inhabitants travel in sledges at this +time of the year." + +"But--but he doesn't say he actually saw them," +pleaded the Baroness. + +"Then that remark, just like the rest of his reflections, +makes utter nonsense," rejoined her mother. + +"Is that all?" inquired Sir Justin. + +"Almost all--all that is important," faltered the +Baroness. + +"Let us hear the rest," said her mother inexorably. + +"There is only a postscript, and that merely says-- +'The flask that you filled I thank you for; it was so +large that it was sufficient for----' I can't read the +last word." + +"Let me see it, Alicia." + +A few minutes ago Alicia would have torn the +precious letter up rather than let another eye fall upon +it. That her devotion was a little disturbed was proved +by her allowing her two advisers to study even a single +sentence. Keeping her hand over the rest, she showed +it to them. They bent their brows, and then simultaneously +exclaimed-- + +" 'Us both!' " + +"Oh, it can't be!" cried the poor Baroness. + +"It is absolutely certain," said her mother in a +terrible voice--" 'It was so large that it was sufficient +for us both!' " + +"There is no doubt about it," corroborated Sir +Justin sternly. "The unfortunate young man has +inadvertently confessed his deception." + +"It cannot be!" murmured the Baroness. "He +said at the beginning that he travelled quite alone." + +"That is precisely what condemns him," said her +mother. + +"Precisely," reiterated Sir Justin. + +The Baroness audibly sobbed, while the two patchers +of her peace of mind gazed at her commiserately. + +"What am I to do?" she asked at length. "I can't +believe he really---- But how am I to find out?" + +"I shall make further investigations," promptly +replied Sir Justin. + +"And I also," added the Countess. + +"Meanwhile," said Sir Justin, "we shall be +exceedingly interested to learn what further particulars of +his wanderings the Baron supplies you with." + +"Yes," observed the Countess, "he can fortunately +be trusted to betray himself. You will inform me, +Alicia, as soon as you hear from him again." + +Her daughter made no reply. + +Sir Justin rose and bade them a grave farewell. + +"In my daughter's name I thank you cordially," +said the Countess, as she pressed his hand. + +"Anything I have done has been a pleasure to me," +he assured them with a sincerity there was no mistaking. + + + +CHAPTER XV + +In an ancient and delightful garden, where glimpses +of the loch below gleamed through a mass of +summer foliage, and the gray castle walls looked +down on smooth, green glades, the Baron slowly +paced the shaven turf. But he did not pace it quite +alone, for by his side moved a graceful figure in a +wide, sun-shading hat and a frock entirely irresistible. +Beneath the hat, by bending a little down, you could +have seen the dark liquid eyes and tender lips of Eva +Gallosh. And the Baron frequently bent down. + +"I am proud of everyzing zat I find in my home," +said the Baron gallantly. + +The lady's color rose, but not apparently in anger. + +"Ach, here is a pretty leetle seat!" he exclaimed in +a tone of pleased discovery, just as though he had not +been leading her insidiously towards it ever since they, +came into the garden. + +It was, indeed, a most shady and secluded bench, an +ideal seat for any gallant young Baron who had left +his Baroness sufficiently far away. He glanced down +complacently upon his brawny knees, displayed (he +could not but think) to great advantage beneath his +kilt and sporran, and then with a tenderer complacency, +turned his gaze upon his fair companion. + +"You say you like me in ze tartan?" he murmured. + +"I adore everything Highland! Oh, Lord Tulliwuddle, +how fortunate you are!" + +Nature had gifted Miss Gallosh with a generous +share of romantic sentiment. It was she who had +egged on her father to rent this Highland castle for +the summer, instead of chartering a yacht as he had +done for the past few years; and ever since they had +come here that sentiment had grown, till she was +ready to don the white cockade and plot a new Jacobite +uprising. Then, while her heart was in this +inspired condition, a noble young chief had stepped in +to complete the story. No wonder her dark eyes +burned. + +"What attachment you must feel for each stone of +the Castle!" she continued in a rapt voice. "How +your heart must beat to remember that your great- +grandfather--wasn't his name Fergus?" + +"Fergus: yes," said the Baron, blindly but +promptly. + +"No, no; it was Ian, of course." + +"Ach, so! Ian he vas." + +"You were thinking of his father," she smiled. + +"Yes, his fazzer." + +She reflected sagely. + +"I am afraid I get my facts mixed up some +times. Ian--ah, Reginald came before him--not +Fergus!" + +"Reginald--oh yes, so he did!" + +She looked a trifle disappointed. + +"If I were you I should know them all by heart," +said she. + +"I vill learn zem. Oh yes, I most not make soch +mistakes." + +Indeed he registered a very sincere vow to study his +family history that afternoon. + +"What was I saying? Oh yes--about your brave +great-grandfather. Do you know, Lord Tulliwuddle, +I want to ask you a strange favor? You won't think +it very odd of me?" + +"Odd? Never! Already it is granted." + +"I want to hear from your own lips--from the lips +of an actual Lord Tulliwuddle--the story of your +ancestor Ian's exploit." + +With beseeching eyes and a face flushed with a sense +of her presumption, she uttered this request in a voice +that tore the Baron with conflicting emotions. + +"Vich exploit do you mean?" he asked in a kindly +voice but with a troubled eye. + +"You must know! When he defended the pass, of +course." + +"Ach, so!" + +The Baron looked at her, and though he boasted of +no such inventive gifts as his friend Bunker, his ardent +heart bade him rather commit himself to perdition than +refuse. + +"You will tell it to me?" + +"I vill!" + +Making as much as possible of the raconteur's +privileges of clearing his throat, settling himself into good +position, and gazing dreamily at the tree-tops for +inspiration, he began in a slow, measured voice-- + +"In ze pass he stood. Zen gomed his enemies. He +fired his gon and shooted some dead. Zen did zey run +avay. Zat vas vat happened." + +When he ventured to meet her candid gaze after +thus lamely libelling his forefather, he was horrified to +observe that she had already recoiled some feet away +from him, and seemed still to be in the act of recoiling. + +"It would have been kinder to tell me at once that +I had asked too much!" she exclaimed in a voice +affected by several emotions. "I only wanted to hear +you repeat his death-cry as his foes slew him, so that +it might always seem more real to me. And you snub +me like this!" + +The Baron threw himself upon one knee. + +"Forgive me! I did jost lose mine head mit your +eyes looking so at me! I get confused, you are so +lovely! I did not mean to snob!" + +In the ardor of his penitence he discovered himself +holding her hand; she no longer seemed to be recoiling; +and Heaven knows what might have happened next if +an ostentatious sound of whistling had not come to +their rescue. + +"Bot you vill forgive?" he whispered, as they +sprang up from their shady seat. + +"Ye-es," she answered, just as the serene glance of +Count Bunker fell humorously upon them. + +"You seem to have been plucking flowers, +Tulliwuddle," he observed. + +"Flowers? Oh, no." + +The Count glanced pointedly at his soiled knee. + +"Indeed!" said he. "Don't I see traces of a +flower-bed?" + +"I think I should go in," murmured Eva, and she +was gone before the Count had time to frame a compensating +speech. + +His friend Tulliwuddle looked at him with marked +displeasure, yet seemed to find some difficulty in +adequately expressing it. + +"I do not care for vat you said," he remarked +stiffly. "Nor for ze look now on your face." + +"Baron," said the Count imperturbably, "what did +you tell me the Wraith said to you--something about +'Beware of the ladies,' wasn't it?" + +"You do not onderstand. Ze ghost" (he found +some difficulty in pronouncing the spirit's chosen name) +"did soppose naturally zat I vas ze real Lord Tollyvoddle, +who is, as you have told me yourself, Bonker, +somezing of a fast fish. Ze varning vas to him +obviously, so you should not turn it upon me." + +Bunker opened his eyes. + +"A deuced ingenious argument," he commented. +"It wouldn't have occurred to me if you hadn't +explained. Then you claim the privilege of wooing whom +you wish?" + +"Wooing! You forget zat I am married, Bonker." + +"Oh no, I remember perfectly." + +His tone disturbed the Baron. Taking the Count's +arm, he said to him with moving earnestness-- + +"Have I not told you how constant I am--like ze +magnet and ze pole?" + +"I have heard you employ the simile." + +"Ach, bot it is true! I am inside my heart so +constant as it is possible! But I now represent +Tollyvoddle, and for his sake most try to do my +best." + +Again Count Bunker glanced at his knee. + +"And that is your best, then?" + +"Listen, Bonker, and try to onderstand--not jost +to make jokes. It appears to me zat Miss Gallosh vill +make a good vife to Tollyvoddle. She is so fair, so +amiable, and so rich. Could he do better? Should I +not lay ze foundations of a happy marriage mit +her? Soppose ve do get her instead of Miss Maddison, +eh?" + +His artful eloquence seemed to impress his friend, +for he smiled thoughtfully and did not reply at once. +More persuasively than ever the Baron continued-- + +"I do believe mit patience and mit--er--mit +kindness, Bonker, I might persuade Miss Gallosh to listen +to ze proposal of Tollyvoddle. And vould it not be +better far to get him a lady of his own people, and not +a stranger from America? Ve vill not like Miss Maddison, +I feel sure. Vy troble mit her--eh, Bonker?" + +"But don't you think, Baron, that we ought to give +Tulliwuddle his choice? He may prefer an American +heiress to a Scottish." + +"Not if he sees Eva Gallosh!" + +Again the Count gently raised his eyebrows in a +way that the Baron could not help considering unsuitable +to the occasion. + +"On the other hand, Baron, Miss Maddison will +probably have five or ten times as much money as Miss +Gallosh. In arranging a marriage for another man, +one must attend to such trifles as a few million dollars +more or less." + +For the moment the Baron was silenced, but +evidently not convinced. + +"Supposing I were to call upon the Maddisons +as your envoy?" suggested Bunker, who, to tell the +truth, had already begun to tire of a life of luxurious +inaction. + +"Pairhaps in a few days we might gonsider it." + +"We have been here for a week already." + +"Ven vould you call?" + +"To-morrow, for instance." + +The Baron frowned; but argument was difficult. + +"You only jost vill go to see?" + +"And report to you." + +"And suppose she is ogly--or not so nice--or so +on----zen vill I not see her, eh?" + +"But suppose she is tolerable?" + +"Zen vill ve give him a choice, and I vill continue +to be polite to Miss Gallosh. Ah, Bonker, she is so +nice! He vill not like Miss Maddison so vell! +Himmel, I do admire her!" + +The Baron's eyes shone with reminiscent affection. + +"To how many poles is the magnet usually +constant?" inquired the Count with a serious air. + +The Baron smiled a little foolishly, and then, with +a confidential air, replied-- + +"Ach, Bonker, marriage is blessed and it is happy, +and it is everyzing that my heart desires; only I jost +sometimes vish it vas not qvite--qvite so uninterruptable!" + + + +CHAPTER XVI + +In a dog-cart borrowed from his obliging host, +Count Bunker approached the present residence +of Mr. Darius P. Maddison. He saw, and--in +his client's interest--noted with approval the +efforts that were being made to convert an ordinary +fishing-lodge into a suitable retreat for a gentleman +worth so many million dollars. "Corryvohr," as the +house was originally styled, or "Lincoln Lodge," as +the patriotic Silver King had re-named it, had already +been enlarged for his reception by the addition of four +complete suites of apartments, each suitable for a +nobleman and his retinue, an organ hall, 10,000 cubic +yards of scullery accommodation, and a billiard-room +containing three tables. But since he had taken up +his residence there he had discovered the lack of +several other essentials for a quiet "mountain life" (as +he appropriately phrased it), and these defects were +rapidly being remedied as our friend drove up. The +conservatory was already completed, with the exception +of the orchid and palm houses; the aviary was +practically ready, and several crates of the rarer +humming-birds were expected per goods train that +evening; while a staff of electricians could be seen +erecting the private telephone by which Mr. Maddison +proposed to keep himself in touch with the silver +market. + +The Count had no sooner pressed the electric bell +than a number of men-servants appeared, sufficient to +conduct him in safety to a handsome library fitted with +polished walnut, and carpeted as softly as the moss on +a mountain-side. Having sent in his card, he entertained +himself by gazing out of the window and wondering +what strange operation was being conducted on +a slope above the house, where a grove of pines were +apparently being rocked to and fro by a concourse of +men with poles and pulleys. But he had not to wait +long, for with a promptitude that gave one some inkling +of the secret of Mr. Maddison's business success, +the millionaire entered. + +In a rapid survey the Count perceived a tall man in +the neighborhood of sixty: gray-haired, gray-eyed, +and gray-faced. The clean-shaved and well-cut profile +included the massive foundation of jaw which Bunker +had confidently anticipated, and though his words +sounded florid in a European ear, they were uttered +in a voice that corresponded excellently with this +predominant chin. + +"I am very pleased to see you, sir, very pleased +indeed," he assured the Count not once but several times, +shaking him heartily by the hand and eyeing him with +a glance accustomed to foresee several days before his +fellows the probable fluctuations in the price of anything. + +"I have taken the liberty of calling upon you in +the capacity of Lord Tulliwuddle's confidential friend," +the Count began. "He is at present, as you may +perhaps have learned, visiting his ancestral possessions----" + +"My dear sir, for some days we have been expecting +his lordship and yourself to honor us with a visit," +Mr. Maddison interposed. "You need not trouble to +introduce yourself. The name of Count Bunker is +already familiar to us." + +He bowed ceremoniously as he spoke, and the Count +with no less politeness laid his hand upon his heart +and bowed also. + +"I looked forward to the meeting with pleasure," +he replied. "But it has already exceeded my anticipations." + +He would have still further elaborated these assurances, +but with his invariable tact he perceived a shrewd +look in the millionaire's eye that warned him he had to +do with a man accustomed to flowery preliminaries +from the astutest manipulators of a deal. + +"I am only sorry you should find our little cottage +in such disorder," said Mr. Maddison. "The contractor +for the conservatory undertook to erect it in +a week, and my only satisfaction is that he is now +paying me a forfeit of 500 dollars a day. As for the +electricians in this country, sir, they are not incompetent +men, but they must be taught to hustle if they +are to work under American orders; and I don't quite +see how they are to find a job anyways else." + +He turned to the window with a more satisfied air. + +"Here, however, you will perceive a tolerably +satisfactory piece of work. I guess those trees will be ready +pretty near as soon as the capercailzies are ready for +them." + +Count Bunker opened his eyes. + +"Do I understand that you are erecting a pine +wood?" + +"You do. That fir forest is my daughter's notion. +She thought ordinary plane-trees looked kind of +unsuitable for our mountain home. The land of Burns +and of the ill-fated Claverhouse, Viscount Dundee, +should have more appropriate foliage than that! Well, +sir, it took four hundred men just three days to remove +the last traces of the last root of the last of those +plane-trees." + +"And the pines, I suppose, you brought from a +neighboring wood?" said the Count, patriotically +endeavoring not to look too dumbfoundered. + +"No, sir. Lord Tulliwuddle's factor was too slow +for me--said he must consult his lordship before +removing the timber on the estate. I cabled to Norway: +the trees arrived yesterday in Aberdeen, and I guess +half of them are as near perpendicular by now as a +theodolite can make them. They are being erected, sir, +on scientific principles." + +Restraining his emotion with a severe effort, Bunker +quietly observed + +"Very good idea. I don't know that it would have +occurred to me to land them at Aberdeen." + +From the corner of his eye he saw that his composure +had produced a distinct impression, but he +found it hard to retain it through the Silver King's +next statement. + +"You have taken a long lease of Lincoln Lodge, I +presume?" he inquired. + +"One year," said Mr. Maddison. "But I reckon to +be comfortable if I'm spending twenty minutes at a +railroad junction." + +"Ah!" responded the Count, "in that case shifting +a forest must be child's-play." + +The millionaire smiled affably at this pleasantry and +invited his guest to be seated. + +"You will try something American, I hope, Count +Bunker?" he asked, touching the bell. + +Count Bunker, rightly conceiving this to indicate a +cock-tail, replied that he would, and in as nearly seven +and a half seconds as he could calculate, a tray +appeared with two of these remarkable compounds. +Following his host's example, the Count threw his down +at a gulp. + +"The same," said Mr. Maddison simply. And in an +almost equally brief space the same arrived. + +"Now," said he, when they were alone again, "I +hope you will pardon me, Count, if I am discourteous +enough to tell you that my time is uncomfortably +cramped. When I first came here I found that I was +expected to stand upon the shore of the river for two +hours on the chance of catching one salmon. But I +have changed all that. As soon as I step outside my +door, my ghillie brings me my rod, and if there ain't +a salmon at the end for me to land, another ghillie will +receive his salary. Since lunch I have caught a fish, +despatched fifteen cablegrams, and dictated nine +letters. I am only on holiday here, and if I don't get +through double that amount in the next two hours I +scarcely see my way to do much more fishing to-day. +That being so, let us come right to the point. You +bring some kind of proposition from Lord Tulliwuddle, +I guess?" + +During his drive the Count had cogitated over a +number of judicious methods of opening the delicate +business; but his adaptability was equal to the occasion. +In as business-like a tone as his host, he replied-- + +"You are quite right, Mr. Maddison. Lord +Tulliwuddle has deputed me to open negotiations for a +certain matrimonial project." + +Mr. Maddison's expression showed his appreciation +of this candor and delicacy. + +"Well," said he, "to be quite frank, Count, I should +have thought all the better of his lordship if he had +been a little more prompt about the business." + +"It is not through want of admiration for Miss +Maddison, I assure you----" + +"No," interrupted Mr. Maddison, "it is because he +does not realize the value of time--which is considerably +more valuable than admiration, I can assure you. +Since I discussed the matter with Lord Tulliwuddle's +aunt we have had several more buyers--I should say, +suitors--in the market--er--in the field, Count Bunker. +But so far, fortunately for his lordship, my +Eleanor has not approved of the samples sent, and if +he still cares to come forward we shall be pleased to +consider his proposition." + +The millionaire looked at him out of an impenetrable +eye; and the Count in an equally guarded tone +replied + +"I greatly approve of putting things on so sound +a footing, and with equal frankness I may tell you-- +in confidence, of course--that Lord Tulliwuddle also +is not without alternatives. He would, however, prefer +to offer his title and estates to Miss Maddison, +provided that there is no personal objection to be +found on either side." + +Mr. Maddison's eye brightened and his tone warmed. + +"Sir," said he, "I guess there won't be much +objection to Eleanor Maddison when your friend has seen +her. Without exaggeration, I may say that she is the +most beautiful girl in America, and that is to say, +the most beautiful girl anywhere. The precise amount +of her fortune we can discuss, supposing the necessity +arrives: but I can assure you it will be sufficient to set +three of your mortgaged British aristocrats upon their +legs again. No, sir, the objection will not come from +THAT side!" + +With a gentle smile and a deprecatory gesture the +Count answered, "I am convinced that Miss Maddison +is all--indeed, more than all--your eloquence has +painted. On the other hand, I trust that you will not +be disappointed in my friend Tulliwuddle." + +Mr. Maddison crossed his legs and interlocked his +fingers like a man about to air his views. This, in fact, +was what he proceeded to do. + +"My opinion of aristocracies and the pampered +individuals who compose them is the opinion of an +intelligent and enlightened democrat. I see them from +the vantage-ground of a man who has made his own +way in the world unhampered by ancestry, who has +dwelt in a country fortunately unencumbered by such +hindrances to progress, and who has no personal +knowledge of their defects. You will admit that I +speak with unusual opportunities of forming a judgment?" + +"You should have the impartiality of a missionary," +said Bunker gravely. + +"That is so, sir. Now, in proposing to marry my +daughter to a member of this class, I am actuated +solely by a desire to take advantage of the opportunities +such an alliance would confer. I am still perfectly +clear?" + +"Perfectly," replied Bunker, with the same +profound gravity. + +"In consequence," resumed the millionaire, with the +impressiveness of a logician drawing a conclusion from +two irrefutable premises--"in consequence, Count +Bunker, I demand--and my daughter demands--and +my son demands, sir, that the nobleman should possess +an unusual number of high-class, fire-proof, expert- +guaranteed qualities. That is only fair, you must +admit?" + +"I agree with you entirely." + +Mr. Maddison glanced at the clock and sprang to +his feet. + +"I have not the pleasure of knowing my neighbor, +Mr. Gallosh," he said, resuming his brisk business +tone; "but I beg you to convey to him and to his +wife and daughter my compliments--and my daughter's +compliments--and tell them that we hope they +will excuse ceremony and bring Lord Tulliwuddle to +luncheon to-morrow." + +Count Bunker expressed his readiness to carry this +message, and the millionaire even more briskly resumed-- + +"I shall now give myself the pleasure of presenting +you to my son and daughter." + +With his swiftest strides he escorted his +distinguished guest to another room, flung the door open, +announced, "My dears, Count Bunker!" and pressed +the Count's hand even as he was effecting this introduction. + +"Very pleased to have met you, Count. Good day," +he ejaculated, and vanished on the instant. + + + +CHAPTER XVII + +Raising his eyes after the profound bow +which the Count considered appropriate to +his character of plenipotentiary, he beheld +at last the object of his mission; and +whether or not she was the absolutely peerless beauty +her father had vaunted, he at once decided that she +was lovely enough to grace Hechnahoul, or any other, +Castle. Black eyes and a mass of coal-black hair, an +ivory pale skin, small well-chiselled features, and that +distinctively American plumpness of contour--these +marked her face; while as for her figure, it was the +envy of her women friends and the distraction of all +mankind who saw her. + +"Fortunate Baron!" thought Bunker. + +Beside her, though sufficiently in the rear to mark +the relative position of the sexes in the society they +adorned, stood Darius P. Maddison, junior--or "Ri," +in the phrase of his relatives and friends--a broad- +shouldered, well-featured young man, with keen eyes, +a mouth compressed with the stern resolve to die richer +than Mr. Rockefeller, and a pair of perfectly ironed +trousers. + +"I am very delighted to meet you," declared the +heiress. + +"Very honored to have this pleasure," said the +brother. + +"While I enjoy both sensations," replied the Count, +with his most agreeable smile. + +A little preliminary conversation ensued, in the +course of which the two parties felt an increasing +satisfaction in one another's society; while Bunker had +the further pleasure of enjoying a survey of the room +in which they sat. Evidently it was Miss Maddison's +peculiar sanctum, and it revealed at once her taste and +her power of gratifying it. The tapestry that covered +two sides of the room could be seen at a glance to be +no mere modern imitation, but a priceless relic of the +earlier middle ages. The other walls were so thickly +hung with pictures that one could scarcely see the pale- +green satin beneath; and among these paintings the +Count's educated eye recognized the work of Raphael, +Botticelli, Turner, and Gainsborough among other +masters; while beneath the cornice hung a well-chosen +selection from the gems of the modern Anglo-American +school. The chairs and sofa were upholstered in a +figured satin of a slightly richer hue of green, and on +several priceless oriental tables lay displayed in ivory, +silver, crystal, and alabaster more articles of vertu +than were to be found in the entire house of an average +collector. + +"Fortunate Tulliwuddle!" thought Bunker. + +They had been conversing on general topics for a +few minutes, when Miss Maddison turned to her brother +and said, with a frankness that both pleased and +entertained the Count-- + +"Ri, dear, don't you think we had better come right +straight to the point? I feel sure Count Bunker is +only waiting till he knows us a little better, and I +guess it will save him considerable embarrassment if +we begin." + +"You are the best judge, Eleanor. I guess your +notions are never far of being all right." + +With a gratified smile Eleanor addressed the +Count. + +"My brother and I are affinities," she said. "You +can speak to him just as openly as you can to me. +What is fit for me to hear is fit for him." + +Assuring her that he would not hesitate to act upon +this guarantee if necessary, the Count nevertheless +diplomatically suggested that he would sooner leave it +to the lady to open the discussion. + +"Well," she said, "I suppose we may presume you +have called here as Lord Tulliwuddle's friend?" + +"You may, Miss Maddison." + +"And no doubt he has something pretty definite to +suggest?" + +"Matrimony," smiled the Count. + +Her brother threw him a stern smile of approval. + +"That's right slick THERE!" he exclaimed. + +"Lord Tulliwuddle has made a very happy selection +in his ambassador," said Eleanor, with equal cordiality. +"People who are afraid to come to facts tire me. No +doubt you will think it strange and forward of me to +talk in this spirit, Count, but if you'd had to go +through the worry of being an American heiress in a +European state you would sympathize. Why, I'm +hardly ever left in peace for twenty-four hours--am +I, Ri?" + +"That is so," quoth Ri. + +"What would you guess my age to be, Count +Bunker?" + +"Twenty-one," suggested Bunker, subtracting two +or three years on general principles. + +"Well, you're nearer it than most people. Nineteen +on my last birthday, Count!" + +The Count murmured his surprise and pleasure, and +Ri again declared, "That is so." + +"And it isn't the American climate that ages one, +but the terrible persecutions of the British aristocracy! +I can be as romantic as any girl, Count Bunker; why, +Ri, you remember poor Abe Sellar and the stolen +shoe-lace?" + +"Guess I do!" said Ri. + +"That was a romance if ever there was one! But +I tell you, Count, sentiment gets rubbed off pretty +quick when you come to a bankrupt Marquis writing +three ill-spelled sheets to assure me of the disinterested +affection inspired by my photograph, or a divorced +Duke offering to read Tennyson to me if I'll hire a +punt!" + +"I can well believe it," said the Count +sympathetically. + +"Well, now," the heiress resumed, with a candid +smile that made her cynicism become her charmingly, +"you see how it is. I want a man one can RESPECT, +even if he is a peer. He may have as many titles as +dad has dollars, but he must be a MAN!" + +"That is so," said Ri, with additional emphasis. + +"I can guarantee Lord Tulliwuddle as a model for +a sculptor and an eligible candidate for canonization," +declared the Count. + +"I guess we want something grittier than that," +said Ri. + +"And what there is of it sounds almost too good +news to be true," added his sister. "I don't want a +man like a stained-glass window, Count; because for +one thing I couldn't get him." + +"If you specify your requirements we shall do +our best to satisfy you," replied the Count imperturbably. + +"Well, now," said Eleanor thoughtfully, "I may +just as well tell you that if I'm going to take a peer-- +and I must own peers are rather my fancy at present +--it was Mohammedan pashas last year, wasn't it, +Ri?" ("That is so," from Ri.)--"If I AM going to +take a peer, I must have a man that LOOKS a peer. I've +been plagued with so many undersized and round- +shouldered noblemen that I'm beginning to wonder +whether the aristocracy gets proper nourishment. +How tall is Lord Tulliwuddle?" + +"Six feet and half an inch." + +"That's something more like!" said Ri; and his +sister smiled her acquiescence. + +"And does he weigh up to it?" she inquired. + +"Fourteen, twelve, and three-quarters." + +"What's that in pounds, Ri? We don't count people +in stones in America." + +A tense frown, a nervous twitching of the lip, +and in an instant the young financier produced the +answer + +"Two hundred and nine pounds all but four ounces." + +"Well," said Eleanor, "it all depends on how he +holds himself. That's a lot to carry for a young +man." + +"He holds himself like one of his native pine-trees, +Miss Maddison!" + +She clapped her hands. + +"Now I call that just a lovely metaphor, Count +Bunker!" she cried. "Oh, if he's going to look like +a pine, and walk like the pipers at the Torrydhulish +gathering, and really be a chief like Fergus MacIvor +or Roderick Dhu, I do believe I'll actually fall in love +with him!" + +"Say, Count," interposed Ri, "I guess we've heard +he's half German." + +"It was indeed in Germany that he learned his +thorough grasp of politics, statesmanship, business, +and finance, and acquired his lofty ambitions and +indomitable perseverance." + +"He'll do, Eleanor," said the young man. "That's +to say, if he is anything like the prospectus." + +His sister made no immediate reply. She seemed to +be musing--and not unpleasantly. + +At that moment a motor car passed the window. + +"My!" exclaimed Eleanor, "I'd quite forgot! +That will be to take the Honorable Stanley to the +station. We must say good-by to him, I suppose" + +She turned to the Count and added in explanation-- + +"The last to apply was the Honorable Stanley +Pilkington--Lord Didcott's heir, you know. Oh, if you +could see him, you'd realize what I've had to go +through!" + +Even as she spoke he was given the opportunity, for +the door somewhat diffidently opened and an unhappy- +looking young man came slowly into the room. He +was clearly to be classified among the round-shouldered +ineligibles; being otherwise a tall and slender youth, +with an amiable expression and a smoothly well-bred +voice. + +"I've come to say good-by, Miss Maddison," he said, +with a mournful air. "I--I've enjoyed my visit very +much," he added, as he timidly shook her hand. + +"So glad you have, Mr. Pilkington," she replied +cordially. "It has been a very great pleasure to +entertain you. Our friend Count Bunker--Mr. Pilkington." + +The young man bowed with a look in his eye that +clearly said-- + +"The nest candidate, I perceive." + +Then having said good-by to Ri, the Count heard +him murmur to Eleanor-- + +"Couldn't you--er--couldn't you just manage to +see me of?" + +"With very great pleasure!" she replied in a hearty +voice that seemed curiously enough rather to damp +than cheer his drooping spirits. + +No sooner had they left the room together than +Darius, junior, turned energetically to his guest, and +said in a voice ringing with pride-- + +"You may not believe me, Count, but I assure you +that is the third fellow she has seen to the door inside +a fortnight! One Duke, one Viscount--who will expand +into something more considerable some day--and +this Honorable Pilkington! Your friend, sir, will be +a fortunate man if he is able to please my sister." + +"She seems, indeed, a charming girl." + +"Charming! She is an angel in human form! And +I, sir, her brother, will see to it that she is not deceived +in the man she chooses--not if I can help it!" + +The young man said this with such an air as Bunker +supposed his forefathers to have worn when they +hurled the tea into Boston harbor. + +"I trust that Lord Tulliwuddle, at least, will not +fall under your displeasure, sir," he replied with an air +of sincere conviction that exactly echoed his thoughts. + +"Oh, Ri!" cried Eleanor, running back into the +room, "he was so sweet as he said good-by in the hall +that I nearly kissed him! I would have, only it might +have made him foolish again. But did you see his +shoulders, Count! And oh, to think of marrying a +gentle thing like that! Is Lord Tulliwuddle a firm +man, Count Bunker?" + +"Adamant--when in the right," the Count assured +her. + +A renewed air of happy musing in her eyes warned +him that he had probably said exactly enough, and with +the happiest mean betwixt deference and dignity he +bade them farewell. + +"Then, Count, we shall see you all to-morrow," said +Eleanor as they parted. "Please tell your hosts that +I am very greatly looking forward to the pleasure of +knowing them. There is a Miss Gallosh, isn't there?" + +The Count informed her that there was in fact such +a lady. + +"That is very good news for me! I need a girl +friend very badly, Count; these proposals lose half +their fun with only Ri to tell them to. I intend to +make a confidante of Miss Gallosh on the spot!" + +"H'm," thought the Count, as he drove away, "I +wonder whether she will." + + + +CHAPTER XVIII + +As the plenipotentiary approached the Castle he +was somewhat surprised to pass a dog-cart +containing not only his fellow-guest, Mr. +Cromarty-Gow, but Mr. Gow's luggage also, +and although he had hitherto taken no particular +interest in that gentleman, yet being gifted with the true +adventurer's instinct for promptly investigating any +unusual circumstance, he sought his host as soon as he +reached the house, with a view to putting a careless +question or two. For no one, he felt sure, had been +expected to leave for a few days to come. + +"Yes," said Mr. Gallosh, "the young spark's off +verra suddenly. We didn't expect him to be leaving +before Tuesday. But--well, the fact is--umh'm--oh, +it's nothing to speak off." + +This reticence, however, was easily cajoled away by +the insidious Count, and at last Mr. Gallosh frankly +confided to him-- + +"Well, Count, between you and me he seems to have +had a kind of fancy for my daughter Eva, and then his +lordship coming--well, you'll see for yourself how it +was." + +"He considered his chances lessened?" + +"He told Rentoul they were clean gone." + +Count Bunker looked decidedly serious. + +"The devil!" he reflected. "The Baron is exceeding +his commission. Tulliwuddle is a brisk young fellow, +but to commit him to two marriages is neither Christian +nor kind. And, without possessing the Baron's remarkable +enthusiasm for the sex, I feel sorry for whichever +lady is not chosen to cut the cake." + +He inquired for his friend, and was somewhat relieved +to learn that though he had gone out on the loch with +Miss Gallosh, they had been accompanied by her brothers +and sisters. + +"We still have half an hour before dressing," he +said. "I shall stroll down and meet them." + +His creditable anxiety returned when, upon the path +to the loch shore, he met the two Masters and the two +younger Misses Gallosh returning without their sister. + +"Been in different boats, have you?" said he, after +they had explained this curious circumstance; "well, I +hope you all had a good sail." + +To himself he uttered a less philosophical comment, +and quickened his stride perceptibly. He reached the +shore, but far or near was never a sign of boat upon +the waters. + +"Have they gone down!" he thought. + +Just then he became aware of a sound arising from +beneath the wooded bank a short distance away. It was +evidently intended to be muffled, but the Baron's lungs +were powerful, and there was no mistaking his deep +voice as he sang-- + + " 'My loff she's like a red, red rose + Zat's newly sprong in June! + My loff she's like a melody + Zat's sveetly blayed in tune! + +Ach, how does he end?" + +Before his charmer had time to prompt him, the Count +raised his own tolerably musical voice and replied-- + + " 'And fare thee weel, my second string! + And fare thee weel awhile! + I won t come back again, my love, + For tis ower mony mile! + + +For an instant there followed a profound silence, and +then the voice of the Baron replied, with somewhat +forced mirth-- + +"Vary goot, Bonker! Ha, ha! Vary goot!" + +Meanwhile Bunker, without further delay, was pushing +his way through a tangle of shrubbery till in a moment +he spied the boat moored beneath the leafy bank, +and although it was a capacious craft he observed that +its two occupants were both crowded into one end. + +"I am sent to escort you back to dinner," he said +blandly. + +"Tell zem ve shall be back in three minutes," replied +the Baron, making a prodigious show of preparation +for coming ashore. + +"I am sorry to say that my orders were strictly to +escort, not to herald you," said the Count apologetically. + +Fortifying himself against unpopularity by the +consciousness that he was doing his duty, this well- +principled, even if spurious, nobleman paced back towards +the house with the lady between him and the indignant +Baron. + +"Well, Tulliwuddle," he discoursed, in as friendly +a tone as ever, "I left your cards with our American +neighbors." + +"So?" muttered the Baron stolidly. + +"They received me with open arms, and I have taken +the liberty of accepting on behalf of Mr., Mrs., and +Miss Gallosh, and of our two selves, a very cordial +invitation to lunch with them to-morrow." + +"Impossible!" cried the Baron gruffly. + +Eva turned a reproachful eye upon him. + +"Oh, Lord Tulliwuddle! I should so like to go." + +The Baron looked at her blankly. + +"You vould!" + +"I have heard they are such nice people, and have +such a beautiful place!" + +"I can confirm both statements," said the Count +heartily. + +"Besides, papa and mamma would be very disappointed +if we didn't go." + +"Make it as you please," said the Baron gloomily. + +His unsuspicious hosts heard of the invitation with +such outspoken pleasure that their honored guest could +not well renew his protest. He had to suffer the +arrangement to be made; but that night when he and +Bunker withdrew to their own room, the Count perceived +the makings of an argumentative evening. + +"Sometimes you interfere too moch," the Baron +began without preamble. + +"Do you mind being a little more specific?" replied +the Count with smiling composure. + +"Zere vas no hurry to lonch mit Maddison." + +"I didn't name the date." + +"You might have said next veek." + +"By next week Miss Maddison may be snapped up +by some one else." + +"Zen vould Tollyvoddle be more lucky! I have nearly +got for him ze most charming girl, mit as moch money +as he vants. Ach, you do interfere! You should gonsider +ze happiness of Tollyvoddle." + +"That is the only consideration that affects yourself, +Baron?" + +"Of course! I cannot marry more zan vonce." +(Bunker thought he perceived a symptom of a sigh.) +"And I most be faithful to Alicia. I most! Ach, yes, +Bonker, do not fear for me! I am so constant as--ach, +I most keep faithful!" + +As he supplied this remarkable testimony to his own +fidelity, the Baron paced the floor with an agitation +that clearly showed how firmly his constancy was based. + +Nevertheless the Count was smiling oddly at something +he espied upon the mantelpiece, and stepping up +to it he observed-- + +"Here is a singular phenomenon--a bunch of white +heather that has got itself tied together with ribbon!" + +The Baron started, and took the tiny bouquet from +his hand, his eyes sparkling with delight. + +"It must be a gift from----" he began, and then laid +it down again, though his gaze continued fixed upon +it. "How did it gom in?" he mused. "Ach! she most +have brought it herself. How vary nice!" + +He turned suddenly and met his friend's humorous +eyes. + +"I shall be faithful, Bonker! You can trust me!" +he exclaimed; "I shall put it in my letter to Alicia, and +send it mit my love! See, Bonker!" + +He took a letter from his desk--its envelope still +open--hurriedly slipped in the white heather, and licked +the gum while his resolution was hot. Then, having +exhibited this somewhat singular evidence of his constancy, +he sighed again. + +"It vas ze only safe vay," he said dolefully. "Vas +I not right, Bonker?" + +"Quite, my dear Baron," replied the Count sympathetically. +"Believe me, I appreciate your self-sacrifice. +In fact, it was to relieve the strain upon your too +generous heart that I immediately accepted Mr. Maddison's +invitation for to-morrow." + +"How so?" demanded the Baron with perhaps excusable +surprise. + +"You will be able to decide at once which is the most +suitable bride for Tulliwuddle, and then, if you like, +we can leave in a day or two." + +"Bot I do not vish to leave so soon!" + +"Well then, while you stay, you can at least make +sure that you are engaging the affections of the right +girl." + +Though Bunker spoke with an air of desiring merely +to assist his friend, the speech seemed to arouse some +furious thinking in the Baron's mind. + +For some moments he made no reply, and then at +last, in a troubled voice, he said-- + +"I have already a leetle gommitted Tollyvoddle to +Eva. Ach, bot not moch! Still it vas a leetle. Miss +Maddison--vat is she like?" + +To the best of his ability the Count sketched the +charms of Eleanor Maddison--her enthusiasm for large +and manly noblemen, and the probable effects of the +Baron's stalwart form set off by the tartan which (in +deference, he declared, to the Wraith's injunctions) he +now invariably wore. Also, he touched upon her father's +colossal fortune, and the genuine Tulliwuddle's necessities. + +The Baron listened with growing interest. + +"Vell," he said, "I soppose I most make a goot +impression for ze sake of Tollyvoddle. For instance, ven +we drive up----" + +"Drive? my dear Baron, we shall march! Leave it +to me; I have a very pretty design shaping in my head." + +"Aha!" smiled the Baron; "my showman again, +eh?" + +His expression sobered, and he added as a final +contribution to the debate-- + +"But I may tell you, Bonker, I do not eggspect to +like Miss Maddison. Ah, my instinct he is vonderful! +It vas my instinct vich said. 'Chose Miss Gallosh for +Tollyvoddle!' " + + + +CHAPTER XIX + +While the Baron was thus loyally doing +his duty, his Baroness, being ignorant +of the excellence of his purpose, and +knowing only that he had deceived her +in one matter, and that the descent to Avernus is easy, +passed a number of very miserable days. That heart- +breaking "us both" kept her awake at nights and +distraught throughout the day, and when for a little she +managed to explain the phrase away, and tried to +anchor her trust in Rudolph once more, the vision of the +St. Petersburg window overlooking the crops would +come to shatter her confidence. She wrote a number of +passionate replies, but as the Baron in making his +arrangements with his Russian friend had forgotten to +provide him with his Scotch address, these letters only +reached him after the events of this chronicle had passed +into history. Strange to say, her only consolation was +that neither her mother nor Sir Justin was able to supply +any further evidence of any kind whatsoever. One +would naturally suppose that the assistance they had +gratuitously given would have made her feel eternally +indebted to them; but, on the contrary, she was actually +inconsistent enough to resent their head-shakings nearly +as much as her Rudolph's presumptive infidelity. So +that her lot was indeed to be deplored. + +At last a second letter came, and with trembling +fingers, locked in her room, the forsaken lady tore the +curiously bulky envelope apart. Then, at the sight of +the enclosure that had given it this shape, her heart +lightened once more. + +"A sprig of white heather!" she cried. "Ah, he +loves me still!" + +With eager eyes she next devoured the writing +accompanying this token; and as the Baron's head happened +to be clearer when he composed this second epistle, and +his friend's hints peculiarly judicious, it conveyed so +plausible an account of his proceedings, and contained +so many expressions of his unaltered esteem, that his +character was completely reinstated in her regard. + +Having read every affectionate sentence thrice over, +and given his exceedingly interesting statements of fact +the attention they deserved, she once more took up the +little bouquet and examined it more curiously and +intently. She even untied the ribbon, when, lo and +behold! there fell a tiny and tightly folded twist of paper +upon the floor. Preparing herself for a delicious bit +of sentiment, she tenderly unfolded and smoothed it out. + +"Verses!" she exclaimed rapturously; but the next +instant her pleasure gave place to a look of the extremest +mystification. + +"What does this mean?" she gasped. + +There was, in fact, some excuse for her perplexity, +since the precise text of the enclosure ran thus: + + "TO LORD TULLIWUDDLE. + + "O Chieftain, trample on this heath + Which lies thy springing foot beneath! + It can recover from thy tread, + And once again uplift its head! + But spare, O Chief, the tenderer plant, + Because when trampled on, it can't! + "EVA." + + +Too confounded for coherent speculation, the Baroness +continued to stare at this baffling effusion. Who +Lord Tulliwuddle and Eva were; why this glimpse into +their drama (for such it appeared to be) should be +forwarded to her; and where the Baron von Blitzenberg +came into the story--these, among a dozen other questions, +flickered chaotically through her mind for some +minutes. Again and again she studied the cryptogram, +till at last a few definite conclusions began to crystallize +out of the confusion. That the "tenderer plant" +symbolized the lady herself, that she was a person to +be regarded with extreme suspicion, and that emphatically +the bouquet was never originally intended for the +Baroness von Blitzenberg, all became settled convictions. +The fact that she knew Tulliwuddle to be an +existing peerage afforded her some relief; yet the longer +she pondered on the problem of Rudolph's part in the +episode, the more uneasy grew her mind. + +Composing her face before the mirror till it resumed +its normal round-eyed placidity, she locked the letter +and its contents in a safe place, and sought out her +mother. + +"Did you get any letter, dear, by the last post?" +inquired the Countess as soon as she had entered the +room. + +"Nothing of importance, mamma." + +That so sweet and docile a daughter should stoop to +deceit was inconceivable. The Countess merely frowned +her disappointment and resumed the novel which she +was beguiling the hours between eating and eating +again. + +"Mamma," said the Baroness presently, "can you +tell me whether heather is found in many other European +countries?" + +The Countess raised her firmly penciled eyebrows. + +"In some, I believe. What a remarkable question, +Alicia." + +"I was thinking about Russia," said Alicia with an +innocent air. "Do you suppose heather grows there?" + +The Countess remembered the floral symptoms displayed +by Ophelia, and grew a trifle nervous. + +"My child, what is the matter?" + +"Oh, nothing," replied Alicia hastily. + +A short silence followed, during which she was conscious +of undergoing a curious scrutiny. + +"By the way, mamma," she found courage to ask at +length, "do you know anything about Lord Tulliwuddle?" + +Lady Grillyer continued uneasy. These irrelevant +questions undoubtedly indicated a mind unhinged. + +"I was acquainted with the late Lord Tulliwuddle." + +"Oh, he is dead, then?" + +"Certainly." + +Alicia's face clouded for a moment, and then a ray +of hope lit it again. + +"Is there a present Lord Tulliwuddle?" + +"I believe so. Why do you ask?" + +"I heard some one speak of him the other day." + +She spoke so naturally that her mother began to feel +relieved. + +"Sir Justin Wallingford can tell you all about the +family, if you are curious," she remarked. + +"Sir Justin!" + +Alicia recoiled from the thought of him. But presently +her curiosity prevailed, and she inquired-- + +"Does he know them well?" + +"He inherited a place in Scotland a number of years +ago, you remember. It is somewhere near Lord +Tulliwuddle's place--Hech--Hech--Hech-something-or- +other Castle. He was very well acquainted with the +last Tulliwuddle." + +"Oh," said Alicia indifferently, "I am not really +interested. It was mere idle curiosity." + +For the greater part of twenty-four hours she kept +this mystery locked within her heart, till at last she +could contain it no longer. The resolution she came +to was both desperate and abruptly taken. At five +minutes to three she was resolved to die rather than +mention that sprig of heather to a soul; at five minutes +past she was on her way to Sir Justin Wallingford's +house. + +"It may be going behind mamma's back," she said +to herself; "but she went behind mine when SHE consulted +Sir Justin." + +It was probably in consequence of her urgent voice +and agitated manner that she came to be shown straight +into Sir Justin's library, without warning on either +side, and thus surprised her counsellor in the act of +softly singing a well-known hymn to the accompaniment +of a small harmonium. He seemed for a moment to be +a trifle embarrassed, and the glance he threw at his +footman appeared to indicate an early vacancy in his +establishment; but as soon as he had recovered his customary +solemnity his explanation reflected nothing but +credit upon his character. + +"The fact is," said he, "that I am shortly going to +rejoin my daughter in Scotland. You are aware of her +disposition, Baroness?" + +"I have heard that she is inclined to be devotional." + +"She is devotional," answered this excellent man. +"I have taken considerable pains to see to it. As your +mother and I have often agreed, there is no such safeguard +for a young girl as a hobby or mania of this +sort." + +"A hobby or mania?" exclaimed the Baroness in a +pained voice. + +Sir Justin looked annoyed. He was evidently +surprised to find that the principles inculcated by his old +friend and himself appeared to outlive the occasion for +which they were intended--to wit, the protection of +virgin hearts from undesirable aspirations till calm +reason and a husband should render them unnecessary. + +"I use the terms employed by the philosophical," he +hastened to explain; "but my own opinion is inclined +to coincide with yours, my dear Alicia." + +This paternal use of her Christian name, coupled +with the kindly tone of his justification, encouraged +the Baroness to open her business. + +"Sir Justin," she began, "can I trust you--may I +ask you not to tell my mother that I have visited you?" + +"If you can show me an adequate reason, you may +rely upon my discretion," said the ex-diplomatist +cautiously, yet with an encouraging smile. + +"In some things one would sooner confide in a man +than a woman, Sir Justin." + +"That is undoubtedly true," he agreed cordially. +"You may confide in me, Baroness." + +"I have heard from my husband again. I need not +show you the letter; it is quite satisfactory--oh, quite, +I assure you! Only I found this enclosed with it." + +In breathless silence she watched him examine +critically first the heather and then the verses. + +"Lord Tulliwuddle!" he exclaimed. "Is there +anything in the Baron's letter to throw any light upon +this?" + +"Not one word--not the slightest hint." + +Again he studied the paper. + +"Oh, what does it mean?" she cried. "I came to +you because you know all about the Tulliwuddles. +Where is Lord Tulliwuddle now?" + +"I am not acquainted with the present peer," he +ansevered meditatively. "In fact, I know singularly little +about him. I did hear--yes, I heard from my daughter +some rumor that he was shortly expected to visit his +place in Scotland; but whether he went there or not I +cannot say." + +"You can find out for me?" + +"I shall lose no time in ascertaining." + +The Baroness thanked him effusively, and rose to +depart with a mind a little comforted. + +"And you won't tell mamma?" + +"I never tell a woman anything that is of any importance." + +The Baroness was confirmed in her opinion that Sir +Justin was not a very nice man, but she felt an increased +confidence in his judgment. + + + +CHAPTER XX + +From the gargoyled keep which the cultured +enthusiasm of Eleanor and the purse of her +father had recently erected at Lincoln Lodge, +the brother and sister looked over a bend of +the river, half a mile of valley road, a wave of forest +country, and the greater billows of the bare hillsides +towering beyond. But out of all this prospect it was +only upon the stretch of road that their eyes were bent. + +"Surely one should see their carriage soon!" +exclaimed Eleanor. + +"Seems to me," said her brother, "that you're sitting +something like a cat on the pounce for this Tulliwuddle +fellow. Why, Eleanor, I never saw you so excited since +the first duke came along. I thought that had passed +right off." + +"Oh, Ri, I was reading 'Waverley' again last night, +and somehow I felt the top of the keep was the only +place to watch for a chief!" + +"Why, you don't expect him to be different from +other people?" + +"Ri! I tell you I'll cry if he looks like any one I've +ever seen before! Don't you remember the Count said +he moved like a pine in his native forests?" + +"He won't make much headway like that," said Ri +incisively. "I'd sooner he moved like something more +spry than a tree. I guess that Count was talking +through his hat." + +But his sister was not to be argued out of her exalted +mood by such prosaic reasoning. She exclaimed at his +sluggish imagination, reiterated her faith in the +insinuating count's assurances, and was only withheld +from sending her brother down for a spy-glass by the +reflection that she could not remember reading of its +employment by any maiden in analogous circumstances. + +It was at this auspicious moment, when the heart of +the expectant heiress was inflamed with romantic fancies +and excited with the suspense of waiting, and before +it had time to cool through any undue delay, that a +little cloud of dust first caught her straining eyes. + +"He comes at last!" she cried. + +At the same instant the faint strains of the pibroch +were gently wafted to her embattled tower. + +"He is bringing his piper! Oh, what a duck he is!" + +"Seems to me he is bringing a dozen of them," +observed Ri. + +"And look, Ri! The sun is glinting upon steel! +Claymores, Ri! oh, how heavenly! There must be fifty +men! And they are still coming! I do believe he has +brought the whole clan!" + +Too petrified with delight to utter another exclamation, +she watched in breathless silence the approach of +a procession more formidable than had ever escorted +a Tulliwuddle since the year of Culloden. As they drew +nearer, her ardent gaze easily distinguished a stalwart +figure in plaid and kilt, armed to the teeth with target +and claymore, marching with a stately stride fully ten +paces before his retinue. + +"The chief!" she murmured. + +Now indeed she saw there was no cause to mourn, for +any one at all resembling the Baron von Blitzenberg +as he appeared at that moment she had certainly never +met before. Intoxicated with his finery and with the +terrific peals of melody behind him, he pranced rather +than walked up to the portals of Lincoln Lodge, and +there, to the amazement and admiration alike of his +clansmen and his expectant host, he burst forth into +the following Celtic fragment, translated into English +for the occasion by his assiduous friend from a hitherto +undiscovered manuscript of Ossian: + + "I am ze chieftain, + Nursed in ze mountains, + Behold me, Mac--ig--ig--ig ish! + +(Yet the Count had written this word very distinctly.) + + "Oich for ze claymore! + Hoch for ze philabeg! + Sons of ze red deers, + Children of eagles, + I will supply you + Mit Sassenach carcases!" + +At this point came a momentary lull, the chieftain's +eyes rolling bloodthirstily, but the rhapsody having +apparently become congested within his fiery heart. +His audience, however, were not given time to recover +their senses, before a striking-looking individual, +adorned with tartan trews and a feathered hat, in whom +all were pleased to recognize Count Bunker, whispered +briefly in his lordship's ear, and like a river in spate +he foamed on: + + "Donald and Ronald + Avake from your slumbers! + Maiden so lovely, + Smile mit your bright eyes! + Ze heather is blooming! + Ze vild cat is growling! + Hech Dummeldirroch! + Behold Tollyvoddle, + Ze Lord of ze Mountains!" + + +Hardly had the reverberations of the chieftain's voice +died away, when the Count, uttering a series of presumably +Gaelic cries, advanced with the most dramatic +air, and threw his broad-sword upon the ground. +The Baron laid his across it, the pipes struck up a +less formidable, but if anything more exciting air, and +the two noblemen, springing simultaneously from the +ground, began what the Count confidently trusted their +American hosts would accept as the national sworddance. + +This lasted for some considerable time, and gave the +Count an opportunity of testifying his remarkable +agility and the Baron of displaying the greater part +of his generously proportioned limbs, while the lung +power of both became from that moment proverbial in +the glen. + +At the conclusion of this ceremony the chieftain, +crimson, breathless, and radiant, a sight for gods and +ladies, advanced to greet his host. + +"Very happy to see you, Lord Tulliwuddle," said +Mr. Maddison. "Allow me to offer you my very sincere +congratulations on your exceedingly interesting +exhibition. Welcome to Lincoln Lodge, your lordship! +My daughter--my son." + +Eleanor, almost as flushed as the Baron by her headlong +rush from the keep at the conclusion of the sword- +dance, threw him such a smile as none of her admirers +had ever enjoyed before; while he, incapable of speech +beyond a gasped "Ach!" bowed so low that the Count +had gently to adjust his kilt. Then followed the +approach of the Gallosh family, attired in costumes of +Harris tweed and tartan selected and arranged under +the artistic eye of Count Bunker, and escorted, to their +huge delight, by six picked clansmen. Their formal +presentation having been completed by a last skirl on +the bagpipes, the whole party moved in procession to +the banqueting-hall. + +"A complete success, I flatter myself," thought +Count Bunker, with excusable complacency. + +To the banquet itself it is scarcely possible for a +mere mortal historian to pay a fitting tribute. Every +rarity known to the gourmet that telegraph could summon +to the table in time was served in course upon +course. Even the sweetmeats in the little gold dishes +cost on an average a dollar a bon-bon, while the wine +was hardly less valuable than liquid radium. Or at +least such was the sworn information subsequently supplied +by Count Bunker to the reporter of "The Torrydhulish Herald." + +Eleanor was in her highest spirits. She sat between +the Baron and Mr. Gallosh, delighted with the honest +pleasure and admiration of the merchant, and all the +time becoming more satisfied with the demeanor and +conversation of the chief. In fact, the only disappointment +she felt was connected with the appearance of +Miss Gallosh. Much as she had desired a confidante, +she had never demanded one so remarkably beautiful, +and she could not but feel that a very much plainer +friend would have served her purpose quite as well-- +and indeed better. Once or twice she intercepted a +glance passing between this superfluously handsome +lady and the principal guest, until at last it occurred +to her as a strange and unseemly thing that Lord Tulliwuddle +should be paying so long a visit to his shooting +tenants. Eva, on her part, felt a curiously similar +sensation. These American gentlemen were as pleasant +as report had painted them, but she now discovered an +odd antipathy to American women, or at least to their +unabashed method of making themselves agreeable to +noblemen. It confirmed, indeed, the worst reports she +had heard concerning the way in which they raided the +British marriage market. + +Being placed beside one of these lovely girls and +opposite the other, the Baron, one would think, would +be in the highest state of contentment; but though still +flushed with his triumphant caperings over the broadswords, +and exhibiting a graciousness that charmed his +hosts, he struck his observant friend as looking a trifle +disturbed at soul. He would furtively glance across the +table and then as furtively throw a sidelong look at +his neighbor, and each time he appeared to grow more +thoughtful. And yet he did not look precisely unhappy +either. In fact, there was a gleam in his eye during +each of these glances which suggested that both fell +upon something he approved of. + +The after-luncheon procedure had been carefully +arranged between the two adventurers. The Count was +to keep by the Baron's side, and, thus supported, +negotiations were to be delicately opened. Accordingly, +when the party rose, the Count whispered a word in +Mr. Maddison's ear. The millionaire answered with a +grave, shrewd look, and his daughter, as if perfectly +grasping the situation, led the Galloshes out to inspect +the new fir forest. And then the two noblemen and the +two Dariuses faced one another over their cigars. + + + +CHAPTER XXI + +"Well, gentlemen," said Mr. Maddison, +"pleasure is pleasure, and business is +business. I guess we mean to do a little +of both to-day, if you are perfectly +disposed. What do you say, Count?" + +"I consider that an occasion selected by you, Mr. +Maddison, is not to be neglected." + +The millionaire bowed his acknowledgment of the +compliment, and turned to the Baron, who, it may be +remarked, was wearing an expression of thoughtful +gravity not frequently to be noted at Hechnahoul. + +"You desire to say a few words to me, Lord +Tulliwuddle, I understand. I shall be pleased to hear them." + +With this both father and son bent such earnest +brows on the Baron and waited for his answer in such +intense silence, that he began to regret the absence of +his inspiring pipers. + +"I vould like ze honor to address mine--mine----" + +He threw an imploring glance at his friend, who, +without hesitation, threw himself into the breach. + +"Lord Tulliwuddle feels the natural diffidence of a +lover in adequately expressing his sentiments. I understand +that he craves your permission to lay a certain +case before a certain lady. I am right, Tulliwuddle?" + +"Pairfectly," said the Baron, much relieved; "to +lay a certain case before a certain lady. Zat is so, yes, +exactly." + +Father and son glanced at one another. + +"Your delicacy does you honor, very great honor," +said Mr. Maddison; "but business is business, Lord +Tulliwuddle, and I should like to hear your proposition +more precisely stated. In fact, sir, I like to know just +where I am." + +"That's just about right," assented Ri. + +"I vould perhaps vish to marry her." + +"Perhaps!" exclaimed the two together. + +Again the Count adroitly interposed-- + +"You mean that you do not intend to thrust your +attentions upon an unwilling lady?" + +"Yes, yes; zat is vat I mean." + +"I see," said Mr. Maddison slowly. "H'm, yes." + +"Sounds what you Scotch call 'canny,' " commented +Ri shrewdly. + +"Well," resumed the millionaire, "I have nothing +to say against that; provided--provided, I say, that +you stipulate to marry the lady so long as she has no +objections to you. No fooling around--that's all we +want to see to. Our time, sir, is too valuable." + +"That is so," said Ri. + +The Baron's color rose, and a look of displeasure +came into his eyes, but before he had time to make a +retort that might have wrecked his original's hopes, +Bunker said quickly-- + +"Tulliwuddle places himself in your hands, with the +implicit confidence that one gentleman reposes in another." + +Gulping down his annoyance, the Baron assented-- + +"Yes, I vill do zat." + +Again father and son looked at one another, and this +time exchanged a nod. + +"That, sir, will satisfy us," said Mr. Maddison. +"Ri, you may turn off the phonograph." + +And thereupon the cessation of a loud buzzing sound, +which the visitors had hitherto attributed to flies, showed +that their host now considered he had received a sufficient +guarantee of his lordship's honorable intentions. + +"So far, so good," resumed Mr. Maddison. "I may +now inform you, Lord Tulliwuddle, that the reports +about you which I have been able to gather read kind +of mixed, and before consenting to your reception +within my daughter's boudoir we should feel obliged +if you would satisfy us that the worst of them are not +true--or, at least, sir, exaggerated." + +This time the Baron could not restrain an exclamation +of displeasure. + +"Vat, sir!" he cried, addressing the millionaire. +"Do you examine me on my life!" + +"No, sir," said Ri, frowning his most determined +frown. "It is to ME you will be kind enough to give any +explanation you have to offer! Dad may be the spokesman, +but I am the inspirer of these interrogations. +My sister, sir, the purest girl in America, the most +beautiful creature beneath the star-spangled banner of +Columbia, is not going to be the companion of dissolute +idleness and gilded dishonor--not, sir, if _I_ know it." + +Too confounded by this unusual warning to think +of any adequate retort, the Baron could only stare his +sensations; while Mr. Maddison, taking up the conversation +the instant his son had ceased, proceeded in a +deliberate and impressive voice to say-- + +"Yes, sir, my son--and I associate myself with him +--my son and I, sir, would be happy to learn that it +is NOT the case as here stated" (he glanced at a paper +in his hand), "namely, Item 1, that you sup rather too +frequently with ladies--I beg your pardon, Count +Bunker, for introducing the theme--with ladies of the +theatrical profession." + +"I!" gasped the Baron. "I do only vish I sometimes +had ze cha----" + +"Tulliwuddle!" interrupted the Count. "Don't let +your natural indignation carry you away! Mr. Maddison, +that statement is not true. I can vouch for it." + +"Ach, of course it is not true," said the Baron more +calmly, as he began to realize that it was not his own +character that was being aspersed. + +"I am very glad to hear it," continued Mr. Maddison, +who apparently did not share the full austerity of +his son's views, since without further question he hurried +on to the next point. + +"Item 2, sir, states that at least two West End firms +are threatening you with proceedings if you do not +discharge their accounts within a reasonable time." + +"A lie!" declared the Baron emphatically. + +"Will you be so kind as to favor us with the name +of the individual who is thus libelling his lordship?" +demanded the Count with a serious air. + +Mr. Maddison hastily put the paper back in his +pocket, and with a glance checked his son's gesture of +protest. + +"Guess we'd better pass on to the next thing, Ri. +I told you it wasn't any darned use just asking. But +you boys always think you know better than your +Poppas," said he; and then, turning to the Count, "It +isn't worth while troubling, Count; I'll see that these +reports get contradicted, if I have to buy up a daily +paper and issue it at a halfpenny. Yes, sir, you can +leave it to me." + +The Count glanced at his friend, and they exchanged +a grave look. + +"Again we place ourselves in your hands," said +Bunker. + +Though considerably impressed with these repeated +evidences of confidence on the part of two such +important personages, their host nevertheless maintained +something of his inquisitorial air as he proceeded-- + +"For my own satisfaction, Lord Tulliwuddle, and +meaning to convey no aspersion whatsoever upon your +character, I would venture to inquire what are your +views upon some of the current topics. Take any one +you like, sir, so long as it's good and solid, and let me +hear what you have to say about it. What you favor +us with will not be repeated beyond this room, but +merely regarded by my son and myself as proving that +we are getting no dunder-headed dandy for our Eleanor, +but an article of real substantial value--the kind of +thing they might make into a Lord-lieutenant or a +Viceroy in a bad year." + +Tempting in every way as this suggestion sounded, +his lordship nevertheless appeared to find a little initial +difficulty in choosing a topic. + +"Speak out, sir," said Mr. Maddison in an encouraging +tone. "Our standard for noblemen isn't anything +remarkably high. With a duke I'd be content +with just a few dates and something about model +cottages, and, though a baron ought to know a little more +than that, still we'll count these feudal bagpipers and +that ancestral hop-scotch performance as a kind of set- +off to your credit. Suppose you just say a few words +on the future of the Anglo-Saxon race. What you've +learned from the papers will do, so long as you seem +to understand it." + +Perceiving that his Teutonic friend looked a trifle +dismayed at this selection, Count Bunker suggested the +Triple Alliance as an alternative. + +"That needs more facts, I guess," said the millionaire; +"but it will be all the more creditable if you can +manage it." + +The Baron cleared his throat to begin, and as he +happened (as the Count was well aware) to have the +greatest enthusiasm for this policy, and to have recently +read the thirteen volumes of Professor Bungstrumpher +on the subject, he delivered a peroration so remarkable +alike for its fervor, its facts, and its phenomenal length, +that when, upon a gentle hint from the Count, he at +last paused, all traces of objection had vanished from +the minds of Darius P. Maddison, senior and junior. + +"I need no longer detain you, Lord Tulliwuddle," +said the millionaire respectfully. "Ri, fetch your sister +into her room. Your lordship, I have received an +intellectual treat. I am very deeply gratified, sir. Allow +me to conduct you to my daughter's boudoir." + +Flushed with his exertions and his triumph though +the Baron was, he yet remembered so vividly the ordeal +preceding the oration that as they went he whispered +in his friend's ear + +"Ah, Bonker, stay mit me, I pray you! If she should +ask more questions! + +"Mr. Maddison, ze Count will stay mit me." + +Though a little surprised at this arrangement, which +scarcely accorded with his lordship's virile appearance +and dashing air, Mr. Maddison was by this time too +favorably disposed to question the wisdom of any +suggestion he might make, and accordingly the two friends +found themselves closeted together in Miss Maddison's +sanctum awaiting the appearance of the heiress. + +"Shall I remain through the entire interview?" +asked the Count. + +"Oh yes, mine Bonker, you most! Or--vell, soppose +it gets unnecessary zen vill I cry 'By ze Gad!' and you +vill know to go." + +" 'By the Gad'? I see." + +"Or--vell, not ze first time, but if I say it tree times, +zen vill you make an excuse." + +"Three times? I understand, Baron." + + + +CHAPTER XXII + +In the eye of the heiress, as in her father's, might +be noted a shade of surprise at finding two +gentlemen instead of one. But though the Count +instantly perceived his superfluity, and though +it had been his greatest ambition throughout his life +to add no shade to the dullness with which he frequently +complained that life was overburdened, yet his sense of +obligation to his friend was so strong that he preferred +to bore rather than desert. As the only compensation +he could offer, he assumed the most retiring look of +which his mobile features were capable, and pretended +to examine one of the tables of curios. + +"Lord Tulliwuddle, I congratulate you on the very +happy impression you have made!" began Eleanor with +the most delightful frankness. + +But his lordship had learned to fear the Americans, +even bearing compliments. + +"So?" he answered stolidly. + +"Indeed you have! Ri is just wild about your +cleverness." + +"Zat is kind of him." + +"He declares you are quite an authority on European +politics. Now you will be able to tell me----" + +"Ach, no! I shall not to-day, please!" interrupted +the Baron hurriedly. + +The heiress seemed disconcerted. + +"Oh, not if you'd rather not, Lord Tulliwuddle." + +"Not to-day." + +"Well!" + +She turned with a shrug and cast her eyes upon the +wall. + +"How do you like this picture? It's my latest toy. +I call it just sweet!" + +He cautiously examined the painting. + +"It is vary pretty." + +"Do you know Romney's work?" + +The Baron shrank back. + +"Not again to-day, please!" + +Miss Maddison opened her handsome eyes to their +widest. + +"My word!" she cried. "If these are Highland +manners, Lord Tulliwuddle!" + +In extreme confusion the Baron stammered-- + +"I beg your pardon! Forgif me--but--ach, not +zose questions, please!" + +Relenting a little, she inquired + +"What may I ask you, then? Do tell me! You +see I want just to know all about you." + +With an affrighted gesture the Baron turned to his +friend. + +"Bonker," said he, "she does vant to know yet +more about me! Vill you please to tell her." + +The Count looked up from the curios with an +expression so bland that the air began to clear even +before he spoke. + +"Miss Maddison, I must explain that my friend's +proud Highland spirit has been a little disturbed by +some inquiries, made in all good faith by your father. +No offence, I am certain, was intended; erroneous +information--a little hastiness in jumping to conclusions +--a sensitive nature wounded by the least insinuation-- +such were the unfortunate causes of Tulliwuddle's +excusable reticence. Believe me, if you knew +all, your opinion of him would alter very, very +considerably!" + +The perfectly accurate peroration to this statement +produced an immediate effect. + +"What a shame!" cried Eleanor, her eyes sparkling +brightly. "Lord Tulliwuddle, I am so sorry!" + +The Baron looked into these eyes, and his own mien +altered perceptibly. For an instant he gazed, and then +in a low voice remarked-- + +"By ze Gad!" + +"Once!" counted the conscientious Bunker. + +"Lord Tulliwuddle," she continued, "I declare I +feel so ashamed of those stupid men, I could just wring +their necks! Now, just to make us quits, you ask me +anything in the world you like!" + +Over his shoulder the Baron threw a stealthy glance +at his friend, but this time he did not invoke his +assistance. Instead, he again murmured very distinctly-- + +"By ze Gad!" + +"Twice!" counted Bunker. + +"Miss Maddison," said the Baron to the flushed and +eager girl, "am I to onderstand zat you now are satisfied +zat I am not too vicked, too suspeecious, too unvorthy +of your charming society? I do not say I am +yet vorthy--bot jost not too bad!" + +Had the Baroness at that moment heard merely the +intonation of his voice, she would undoubtedly have +preferred a Chinese prison. + +"Indeed, Lord Tulliwuddle, you may." + +"By ze Gad!" announced the Baron, in a voice +braced with resolution. + +"May I take the liberty of inspecting the aviary?" +said the Count. + +"With the very greatest pleasure," replied the +heiress kindly. + +His last distinct impression as he withdrew was of +the Baron giving his mustache a more formidable +twirl. + +"A very pretty little scene," he reflected, as he +strolled out in search of others. "Though, hang me, +I'm not sure if it ended in the right man leaving the +stage!" + +This "second-fiddle feeling," as he styled it +humorously to himself, was further increased by the demeanor +of Miss Gallosh, to whom he now endeavored to make +himself agreeable. Though sharing the universal respect +felt for the character and talents of the Count, +she was evidently too perturbed at seeing him appear +alone to appreciate his society as it deserved. Ever +since luncheon poor Eva's heart had been sinking. +The beauty, the assurance, the cleverness, and the +charm of the fabulously wealthy American heiress had +filled her with vague misgivings even while the gentlemen +were safely absent; but when Miss Maddison was +summoned away, and her father and brother took her +place, her uneasiness vastly increased. Now here was +the last buffer removed between the chieftain and her +audacious rival (so she already counted her). What +drama could these mysterious movements have been +leading to? + +In vain did Count Bunker exercise his unique +powers of conversation. In vain did he discourse on the +beauties of nature as displayed in the wooded valley +and the towering hills, and the beauties of art as +exhibited in the aviary and the new fir forest. Eva's +thoughts were too much engrossed with the beauties +of woman, and their dreadful consequences if improperly +used. + +"Is--is Miss Maddison still in the house?" she +inquired, with an effort to put the question carelessly. + +"I believe so," said the Count in his kindest voice. + +"And--and--that isn't Lord Tulliwuddle with my +father, is it?" + +"I believe not," said the Count, still more sympathetically. + +She could no longer withhold a sigh, and the Count +tactfully turned the conversation to the symbolical +eagle arrived that morning from Mr. Maddison's native +State. + +They had passed from the aviary to the flower +garden, when at last they saw the Baron and Eleanor +appear. She joined the rest of the party, while he, +walking thoughtfully in search of his friend, advanced +in their direction. He raised his eyes, and then, to +complete Eva's concern, he started in evident +embarrassment at discovering her there also. To do him +justice, he quickly recovered his usual politeness. Yet +she noticed that he detained the Count beside him and +showed a curious tendency to discourse solely on the +fine quality of the gravel and the advantages of having +a brick facing to a garden wall. + +"My lord," said Mr. Gallosh, approaching them, +"would you be thinking of going soon? I've noticed +Mr. Maddison's been taking out his watch verra frequently." + +"Certainly, certainly!" cried my lord. "Oh, ve +have finished all ve have come for." + +Eva started, and even Mr. Gallosh looked a trifle +perturbed. + +"Yes," added the Count quickly, "we have a very +good idea of the heating system employed. I quite +agree with you: we can leave the rest to your engineer." + +But even his readiness failed to efface the effects of +his friend's unfortunate admission. + +Farewells were said, the procession reformed, the +pipers struck up, and amidst the heartiest expressions +of pleasure from all, the chieftain and his friends +marched off to the spot where (out of sight of Lincoln +Lodge) the forethought of their manager had +arranged that the carriages should be waiting. + +"Well," said Bunker, when they found themselves +in their room again, "what do you think of Miss +Maddison?" + +The Baron lit a cigar, gazed thoughtfully and with +evident satisfaction at the daily deepening shade of +tan upon his knees, and then answered slowly-- + +"Vell, Bonker, she is not so bad." + +"Ah," commented Bunker. + +"Bot, Bonker, it is not vat I do think of her. Ach, +no! It is not for mein own pleasure. Ach, nein! +How shall I do my duty to Tollyvoddle? Zat is vat +I ask myself." + +"And what answer do you generally return?" + +"Ze answer I make is," said the Baron gravely and +with the deliberation the point deserved--"Ze answer +is zat I shall vait and gonsider vich lady is ze best for +him." + +"The means you employ will no doubt include a +further short personal interview with each of them?" + +"Vun short! Ach, Bonker, I most investigate +mit carefulness. No, no; I most see zem more zan zat." + +"How long do you expect the process will take +you?" + +For the first time the Baron noticed with surprise a +shade of impatience in his friend's voice. + +"Are you in a horry, Bonker?" + +"My dear Baron, I grudge no man his sport-- +particularly if he is careful to label it his duty. But, to +tell the truth, I have never played gamekeeper for so +long before, and I begin to find that picking up your +victims and carrying them after you in a bag is less +exhilarating to-day than it was a week ago. I wouldn't +curtail your pleasure for the world, my dear fellow! +But I do ask you to remember the poor keeper." + +"My dear friend," said the Baron cordially, "I shall +remember! It shall take bot two or tree days to do +my duty. I shall not be long." + + "A day or two of sober duty, + Then, Hoch! for London, home, and beauty!" + +trolled the Count pleasantly. + +The Baron did not echo the "Hoch"; but after +retaining his thoughtful expression for a few moments, +a smile stole over his face, and he remarked in an +absent voice-- + +"Vun does not alvays need to go home to find +beauty." + +"Yes," said the Count, "I have always held it to +be one of the advantages of travel that one learns to +tolerate the inhabitants of other lands." + + + +CHAPTER XXIII + +"Ach, you are onfair," exclaimed the Baron. +"Really?" said Eva, with a sarcastic +intonation he had not believed possible in so +sweet a voice. + +It was the day following the luncheon at Lincoln +Lodge, and they were once more seated in the shady +arbor: this time the Count had guaranteed not only to +leave them uninterrupted by his own presence, but to +protect the garden from all other intruders. Everything, +in fact, had presaged the pleasantest of tete-a- +tetes. But, alas! the Baron was learning that if +Amaryllis pouts, the shadiest corner may prove too +warm. Why, he was asking himself, should she exhibit +this incomprehensible annoyance? What had he done? +How to awake her smiles again? + +"I do not forget my old friends so quickly," he +protested. "No, I do assure you! I do not onderstand +vy you should say so." + +"Oh, we don't profess to be old FRIENDS, Lord +Tulliwuddle! After all, there is no reason why you +shouldn't turn your back on us as soon as you see a +newer--and more amusing--ACQUAINTANCE." + +"But I have not turned my back!" + +"We saw nothing else all yesterday." + +"Ah, Mees Gallosh, zat is not true! Often did I +look at you!" + +"Did you? I had forgotten. One doesn't treasure +every glance, you know." + +The Baron tugged at his mustache and frowned. + +"She vill not do for Tollyvoddle," he said to himself. + +But the next instant a glance from Eva's brilliant +eyes--a glance so reproachful, so appealing, and so +stimulating, that there was no resisting it--diverted +his reflections into quite another channel. + +"Vat can I do to prove zat I am so friendly as +ever?" he exclaimed. + +"So FRIENDLY?" she repeated, with an innocently +meditative air. + +"So vary parteecularly friendly!" + +Her air relented a little--just enough, in fact, to +make him ardently desire to see it relent still further. + +"You promise things to me, and then do them for +other people's benefit." + +The Baron eagerly demanded a fuller statement of +this abominable charge. + +"Well," she said, "you told me twenty times you +would show me something really Highland--that you'd +kill a deer by torchlight, or hold a gathering of the +clans upon the castle lawn. All sorts of things you +offered to do for me, and the only thing you have done +has been for the sake of your NEW friends! You gave +THEM a procession and a dance." + +"But you did see it too!" he interrupted eagerly. + +"As part of your procession," she retorted scornfully. +"We felt much obliged to you--especially as +you were so attentive to us afterwards!" + +"I did not mean to leave you," exclaimed the Baron +weakly. "It was jost zat Miss Maddison----" + +"I am not interested in Miss Maddison. No doubt +she is very charming; but, really, she doesn't interest +me at all. You were unavoidably prevented from talking +to us--that is quite sufficient for me. I excuse +you, Lord Tulliwuddle. Only, please, don't make me +any more promises." + +"Eva! Ach, I most say 'Eva' jost vunce more! +I am going to leave my castle, to leave you, and say +good-by." + +She started and looked quickly at him. + +"Bot before I go I shall keep my promise! Ve shall +have ze pipers, and ze kilts, and ze dancing, and toss +ze caber, and fling ze hammer, and it shall be on ze +castle lawn, and all for your sake! Vill you not forgive +me and be friends?" + +"Will it really be all for my sake?" + +She spoke incredulously, yet looked as if she were +willing to be convinced. + +"I swear it vill!" + +The latter part of this interview was so much more +agreeable than the beginning that when the distant +rumble of the luncheon gong brought it to an end at +last they sighed, and for fully half a minute lingered +still in silence. If one may dare to express in crude +language a maiden's unspoken, formless thought, Eva's +might be read--"There is yet a moment left for him +to say the three short words that seem to hang upon +his tongue!" While on his part he was reflecting that +he had another duologue arranged for that very afternoon, +and that, for the simultaneous suitor of two +ladies, an open mind was almost indispensable. + +"Then you are going for a drive with the Count +Bunker this afternoon?" she asked, as they strolled +slowly towards the house. + +"For a leetle tour in my estate," he answered easily. + +"On business, I suppose?" + +"Yes, vorse luck!" + +He knew not whether to feel more relieved or +embarrassed to find that he evidently rose in her +estimation as a conscientious landlord. + + . . . . . . + +"You are having a capital day's sport, Baron," said +the Count gaily, as they drew near Lincoln Lodge. + +During their drive the Baron had remained unusually +silent. He now roused himself and said in a +guarded whisper-- + +"Bonker, vill you please to give ze coachman some +money not to say jost vere he did drive us." + +"I have done so," smiled the Count. + +His friend gratefully grasped his hand and curled +his mustache with an emboldened air. + +A similar display of address on the part of Count +Bunker resulted in the Baron's finding himself some ten +minutes later alone with Miss Maddison in her sanctuary. +But, to his great surprise, he was greeted with +none of the encouraging cordiality that had so charmed +him yesterday. The lady was brief in her responses, +critical in her tone, and evidently disposed to quarrel +with her admirer on some ground at present entirely +mysterious. Indeed, so discouraging was she that at +length he exclaimed-- + +"Tell me, Miss Maddison--I should not have gom +to-day? You did not vish to see me. Eh?" + +"I certainly was perfectly comfortable without you, +Lord Tulliwuddle," said the heiress tartly. + +"Shall I go avay?" + +"You have come here entirely for your own pleasure; +and the moment you begin to feel tired there is +nothing to hinder you going home again." + +"You vere more kind to me yesterday," said the +Baron sadly. + +"I did not learn till after you had gone how much +I was to blame for keeping you so long away from +your friends. Please do not think I shall repeat the +offence." + +There was an accent on the word "friends" that +enlightened the bewildered nobleman, even though quickness +in taking a hint was not his most conspicuous +attribute. That the voice of gossip had reached the +fair American was only too evident; but though +considerably annoyed, he could not help feeling at the +same time flattered to see the concern he was able to +inspire. + +"My friends!" said he with amorous artfulness. + +"Do you mean Count Bunker? He is ze only FRIEND +I have here mit me." + +"The ONLY friend? Indeed!" + +"Zat is since I see you vill not treat me as soch." + +Upon these lines a pretty little passage-of-arms +ensued, the Baron employing with considerable effect the +various blandishments of which he was admitted a past +master; the heiress modifying her resentment by degrees +under their insidious influence. Still she would +not entirely quit her troublesome position, till at last +a happy inspiration came to reinforce his assaults. +Why, he reflected, should an entertainment that would +require a considerable outlay of money and trouble +serve to win the affections of only one girl? With the +same espenditure of ammunition it might be possible +to double the bag. + +"Miss Maddison," he said with a regretful air, "I +did come here to-day in ze hope----But ach!" + +So happily had he succeeded in whetting her curiosity +that she begged--nay, insisted--that he should +finish his sentence. + +"If you had been kind I did hope zat you vould +allow me to give in your honor an entertainment at +my castle." + +"An entertainment!" she cried, with a marked +increase of interest. + +"Jost a leetle EXPOSITION of ze Highland sport, mit +bagpipes and caber and so forth; unvorthy of your +notice perhaps, bot ze best I can do." + +Eleanor clapped her hands enthusiastically. + +"I should just love it!" + +The triumphant diplomatist smiled complacently. + +"Bonker vill arrange it all nicely," he said to +himself. + +And there rose in his fancy such a pleasing and +gorgeous picture of himself in the panoply of the +North, hurling a hammer skywards amidst the plaudits +of his clan and the ravished murmurs of the ladies, +that he could not but congratulate himself upon this +last master-stroke of policy. For if instead of ladies +there were only one lady, exactly half the pleasure +would be lacking. So generous were this nobleman's +instincts! + +During their drive to Lincoln Lodge the Baron had +hesitated to broach his new project to his friend for +the very reason that, after the glow of his first enthusiastic +proposal to Eva was over, it seemed to him a +vast undertaking for a limited object; but driving +home he lost no time in confiding his scheme to the +Count. + +"The deuce!" cried Bunker. "That will mean +three more days here at least!" + +"Vat is tree days, mine Bonker?" + +"My dear Baron, I am the last man in the world to +drop an unpleasant hint; yet I can't help thinking we +have been so unconscionably lucky up till now that it +would be wise to retire before an accident befalls us." + +"Vat kind of accident?" + +"The kind that may happen to the best regulated +adventurer." + +The Baron pondered. When Bunker suggested caution +it indeed seemed time to beat a retreat; yet-- +those two charming ladies, and that alluring tartan +tableau! + +"Ach, let ze devil take ze man zat is afraid!" he +exclaimed at last. "Bonker, it vill be soch fun!" + +"Watching you complete two conquests?" + +"Be not impatient, good Bonker!" + +"My dear fellow, if you could find me one girl-- +even one would content me--who would condescend to +turn her eyes from the dazzling spectacle of Baron +Tulliwuddle, and cast them for so much as half an hour +a day upon his obscure companion, I might see some +fun in it too." + +The Baron, with an air of patronizing kindness that +made his fellow-adventurer's lot none the easier to bear, +answered reassuringly-- + +"Bot I shall leave all ze preparations to be made by +you; you vill not have time zen to feel lonely." + +"Thank you, Baron; you have the knack of conferring +the most princely favors." + +"Ach, I am used to do so," said the Baron simply, +and then burst out eagerly, "Some feat you must +design for me at ze sports so zat I can show zem my +strength, eh?" + +"With the caber, for instance?" + +The Baron had seen the caber tossed, and he shook +his head. + +"He is too big." + +"I might fit a strong spring in one end." + +But the Baron still seemed disinclined. His friend +reflected, and then suddenly exclaimed-- + +"The village doctor keeps some chemical apparatus, +I believe! You'll throw the hammer, Baron. I can +manage it." + +The Baron appeared mystified by the juxtaposition +of ideas, but serenely expressed himself as ready to +entrust this and all other arrangements for the Hechnahoul +Gathering to the ingenious Count, as some small +compensation for so conspicuously outshining him. + + + +CHAPTER XXIV + +The day of the Gathering broke gray and still, +and the Baron, who was no weather prophet, +declared gloomily-- + +"It vill rain. Donnerwetter!" + +A couple of hours later the sun was out, and the +distant hills shimmering in the heat haze. + +"Himmel! Ve are alvays lucky, Bonker!" he cried, +and with gleeful energy brandished his dumb-bells in +final preparation for his muscular exploits. + +"We certainly have escaped hanging so far," said +the Count, as he drew on the trews which became his +well-turned leg so happily. + +His arrangements were admirable and complete, and +by twelve o'clock the castle lawn looked as barbarically +gay as the colored supplement to an illustrated paper. +Pipes were skirling, skirts fluttering, flags flapping; +and as invitations had been issued to various magnates +in the district, whether acquainted with the present +peer or not, there were to be seen quite a number of +dignified personages in divers shades of tartan, and +parasols of all the hues in the rainbow. The Baron +was in his element. He judged the bagpipe competition +himself, and held one end of the tape that measured +the jumps, besides delighting the whole assembled +company by his affability and good spirits. + +"Your performance comes next, I see," said Eleanor +Maddison, throwing him her brightest smile. "I can't +tell you how I am looking forward to seeing you do it!" + +The Baron started and looked at the programme in +her hand. He had been too excited to study it carefully +before, and now for the first time he saw the +announcement (in large type)-- + +"7. Lord Tulliwuddle throws the 85-lb. hammer." + +The sixth event was nearly through, and there-- +there evidently was the hammer in question being carried +into the ring by no fewer than three stalwart +Highlanders! The Baron had learned enough of the +pastimes of his adopted country to be aware that this +gigantic weapon was something like four times as +heavy as any hammer hitherto thrown by the hardiest +Caledonian. + +"Teufel! Bonker vill make a fool of me," he +muttered, and hastily bursting from the circle of +spectators, hurried towards the Count, who appeared to be +busied in keeping the curious away from the Chieftain's +hammer. + +"Bonker, vat means zis?" he demanded. + +"Your hammer," smiled the Count. + +"A hammer zat takes tree men----" + +"Hush!" whispered the Count. "They are only +holding it down!" + +The Baron laid his hand upon the round enormous +head, and started. + +"It is not iron!" he gasped. "It is of rubber." + +"Filled with hydrogen," breathed the Count in his +ear. "Just swing it once and let go--and, I say, mind +it doesn't carry you away with it." + +The chief bared his arms and seized the handle; his +three clansmen let go; and then, with what seemed to +the breathless spectators to be a merely trifling effort +of strength, he dismissed the projectile upon the most +astounding journey ever seen even in that land of +brawny hammer-hurlers. Up, up, up it soared, over +the trees; high above the topmost turret of the castle, +and still on and on and ever upwards till it became a +mere speck in the zenith, and at last faded utterly from +sight. + +Then, and not till then, did the pent-up applause +break out into such a roar of cheering as Hechnahoul +had never heard before in all its long history. + +"Eighty-five pounds of pig-iron gone straight to +heaven!" gasped the Silver King. "Guess that beats +all records!" + +"America must wake up!" frowned Ri. + +Meanwhile the Baron, after bowing in turn towards +all points of the compass, turned confidentially to his +friend. + +"Vill not ze men that carried it----?" + +"I've told 'em you'd give 'em a couple of sovereigns +apiece." + +The Baron came from an economical nation. + +"Two to each!" + +"My dear fellow, wasn't it worth it?" + +The Baron grasped his hand. + +"Ja, mine Bonker, it vas! I vill pay zem." + +Radiant and smiling, he returned to receive the +congratulations of his guests, dreaming that his triumph +was complete, and that nothing more arduous remained +than pleasant dalliance alternately with his Eleanor +and his Eva. But he speedily discovered that hurling +an inflated hammer heavenwards was child's play as +compared with the simultaneous negotiation of a double +wooing. The first person to address him was the millionaire, +and he could not but feel a shiver of apprehension +to note that he was evidently in the midst of a +conversation with Mr. Gallosh. + +"I must congratulate you, Lord Tulliwuddle," said +Mr. Maddison, "and I must further congratulate my +daughter upon the almost miraculous feat you have +performed for her benefit. You know, I dare say" +--here he turned to Mr. Gallosh--"that this very +delightful entertainment was given primarily in my +Eleanor's honor?" + +"Whut!" exclaimed the merchant. "That's--eh-- +that's scarcely the fac's as we've learned them. But +his lordship will be able to tell you best himself." + +His lordship smiled affably upon both, murmured +something incoherent, and passed on hastily towards +the scarlet parasol of Eleanor. But he had no sooner +reached it than he paused and would have turned had +she not seen him, for under a blue parasol beside her +he espied, too late, the fair face of Eva, and too clearly +perceived that the happy maidens had been comparing +notes, with the result that neither looked very happy +now. + +"I hope you do enjoy ze sports," he began, endeavoring +to distribute this wish as equally as possible. + +"Miss Gallosh has been remarkably fortunate in her +weather," said Eleanor, and therewith gave him an +uninterrupted view of her sunshade. + +"Miss Maddison has seen you to great advantage, +Lord Tulliwuddle," said Eva, affording him the next +instant a similar prospect of silk. + +The unfortunate chief recoiled from this ungrateful +reception of his kindness. Only one refuge, one mediator, +he instinctively looked for; but where could the +Count have gone? + +"Himmel! Has he deserted me?" he muttered, +frantically elbowing his way in search of him. + +But this once it happened that the Count was +engaged upon business of his own. Strolling outside the +ring of spectators, with a view to enjoying a cigar and +a little relaxation from the anxieties of stage-management, +his attention had been arrested in a singular and +flattering way. At that place where he happened to be +passing stood an open carriage containing a girl and +an older lady, evidently guests from the neighborhood +personally unknown to his lordship, and just as he went +by he heard pronounced in a thrilling whisper--"THAT +must be Count Bunker!" + +The Count was too well-bred to turn at once, but +it is hardly necessary to say that a few moments later +he casually repassed the carriage; nor will it astonish +any who have been kind enough to follow his previous +career with some degree of attention to learn that when +opposite the ladies he paused, looked from them to the +enclosure and back again, and presently raising his +feathered bonnet, said in the most ingratiating tones-- + +"Pardon me, but I am requested by Lord Tulliwuddle +to show any attention I can to the comfort of +his guests. Can you see well from where you are?" + +The younger lady with an eager air assured him that +they saw perfectly, and even in the course of the three +or four sentences she spoke he was able to come to +several conclusions regarding her: that her companion +was in a subsidiary and doubtless salaried position; that +she herself was decidedly attractive to look upon; +that her voice had spoken the whispered words; and +that her present animated air might safely be attributed +rather to the fact that she addressed Count Bunker +than to the subject-matter of her reply. + +No one possessed in a higher degree than the Count +the nice art of erecting a whole conversation upon the +foundation of the lightest phrase. He contrived a +reply to the lady's answer, was able to put the most +natural question next, to follow that with a happy +stroke of wit, and within three minutes to make it +seem the most obvious thing in the world that he should +be saying + +"I am sure that Lord Tulliwuddle will never forgive +me if I fail to learn the names of any visitors who have +honored him to-day." + +"Mine," said the girl, her color rising slightly, but +her glance as kind as ever, "is Julia Wallingford. +This is my friend Miss Minchell." + +The Count bowed. + +"And may I introduce myself as a friend of Tulliwuddle's, +answering to the name of Count Bunker." + +Again Miss Wallingford's color rose. In a low and +ardent voice she began + +"I am so glad to meet you! Your name is +already----" + +But at that instant, when the Count was bending +forward to catch the words and the lady bending down +to utter them, a hand grasped him by the sleeve, and +the Baron's voice exclaimed + +"Come, Bonker, quickly here to help me!" + +He would fain have presented his lordship to the +ladies, but the Baron was too hurried to pause, and +with a parting bow he was reluctantly borne off to +assist his friend out of his latest dilemma. + +"Pooh, my dear Baron!" he cried, when the +situation was explained to him; "you couldn't have done +more damage to their hearts if you had hurled your +hammer at them! A touch of jealousy was all that +was needed to complete your conquests. But for me +you have spoiled the most promising affair imaginable. +There goes their carriage trotting down the drive! +And I shall probably never know whether my name +was already in her heart or in her prayers. Those are +the two chief receptacles for gentlemen's names, I +believe--aren't they, Baron?" + +On his advice the rival families were left to the +soothing influences of a good dinner and a night's +sleep, and he found himself free to ponder over his +interrupted adventure. + +"Undoubtedly one feels all the better for a little +appreciation," he reflected complacently. "I wonder +if it was my trews that bowled her over?" + + + +CHAPTER XXV + +The Count next morning consumed a solitary +breakfast, his noble friend having risen some +hours previously and gone for an early walk +upon the hill. But he was far from feeling +any trace of boredom, since an open letter beside his +plate appeared to provide him with an ample fund of +pleasant and entertaining reflections. + +"I have not withered yet," he said to himself. +"Here is proof positive that some blossom, some aroma +remains!" + +The precise terms of this encouraging epistle were +these: + + "THE LASH, near NETHERBRIG. + "Tuesday night. + + +"DEAR COUNT BUNKER,--Forgive what must seem to +you INCREDIBLE boldness (!), and do not think worse of +me than I deserve. It seems such a pity that you should +be so near and yet that I should lose this chance of +gratifying my great desire. If you knew how I prized +the name of Bunker you would understand; but no doubt +I am only one among many, and you do understand +better than I can explain. + +"My father is away from home, and the WORLD dictates +prudence; but I know your views on conventionality +are those I too have learned to share, so will you +come and see me before you leave Scotland? + +"With kindest regards and in great haste because +I want you to get this to-morrow morning. Believe me, +yours very sincerely, + "JULIA WALLINGFORD." + + +"P.S.--If it would upset your arrangements to come +only for the day, Miss Minchell agrees with me that +we could easily put you up.--J. W." + + +"By Jingo!" mused the Count, "that's what I call +a sporting offer. Her father away from home, and +Count Bunker understanding better than she can explain! +Gad, it's my duty to go!" + +But besides the engaging cordiality of Miss Wallingford's +invitation, there was something about the letter +that puzzled almost as much as it cheered him. + +"She prizes the name of Bunker, does she? Never +struck me it was very ornamental; and in any case the +compliment seems a trifle stretched. But, hang it! this +is looking a gift-horse in the mouth. Such ardor deserves +to be embraced, not dissected." + +He swiftly debated how best to gratify the lady. +Last night it had been his own counsel, and likewise the +Baron's desire, to leave by the night mail that very +evening, with their laurels still unfaded and blessings +heaped upon their heads. Why not make his next stage +The Lash? + +"Hang it, the Baron has had such a good innings +that he can scarcely grudge me a short knock," he said +to himself. "He can wait for me at Perth or +somewhere." + +And, ringing the bell, he wrote and promptly +despatched this brief telegram: + +"Delighted. Shall spend to-night in passing. Bunker." + +Hardly was this point settled when the footman re- +entered to inform him that Mr. Maddison's motor car +was at the door waiting to convey him without delay +to Lincoln Lodge. Accompanying this announcement +came the Silver King's card bearing the words, "Please +come and see me at once." + +The Count stroked his chin, and lit a cigarette. + +"There is something fresh in the wind," thought he. + +In the course of his forty-miles-an-hour rush through +the odors of pine woods, he had time to come to a pretty +correct conclusion regarding the business before him, +and was thus enabled to adopt the mien most suitable +to the contingency when he found himself ushered into +the presence of the millionaire and his son. The set +look upon their faces, the ceremonious manner of their +greeting, and the low buzzing of the phonograph, audible +above the tinkle of a musical box ingeniously +intended to drown it, confirmed his guess even before a +word had passed. + +"Be seated, Count," said the Silver King; and the +Count sat. + +"Now, sir," he continued, "I have sent for you, +owing, sir, to the high opinion I have formed of your +intelligence and business capabilities." + +The Count bowed profoundly. + +"Yes, sir, I believe, and my son believes, you to be a +white man, even though you are a Count." + +"That is so," said Ri. + +"Now, sir, you must be aware--in fact, you ARE +aware--of the matrimonial project once entertained +between my daughter and Lord Tulliwuddle." + +"Once!" exclaimed the Count in protest. + +"ONCE!" echoed Ri in his deepest voice. + +"Hish, Ri! Let your poppa do the talking this +time," said the millionaire sternly, though with an +indulgent eye. + +"But--er--ONCE?" repeated the Count, as if bewildered +by the past tense implied; though to himself he +murmured--"I knew it!" + +"When I gave my sanction to Lord Tulliwuddle's +proposition, I did so under the impression that I was +doing a deal with a man, sir, of integrity and honor. +But what do I find?" + +"Yes, what?" thundered Ri. + +"I find, sir, that his darned my-lordship--and be +damned to his titles----" + +"Mr. Maddison!" expostulated the Count gently. + +"I find, Count, I find that Lord Tulliwuddle, under +pretext of paying my Eleanor a compliment, has provided +an entertainment--a musical and athletic entertainment-- +for another woman!" + +The Count sprang to his feet. + +"Impossible!" he cried. + +"It is true!" + +"Name her!" + +"She answers, sir, to the plebeian cognomen of Gallosh." + +"A nobody!" sneered Ri. + +"In trade!" added his father scornfully. + +Had the occasion been more propitious, the Count +could scarcely have refrained from commenting upon +this remarkably republican criticism; but, as it was, he +deemed it more advisable to hunt with the hounds. + +"That canaille!" he shouted. "Ha, ha! Lord +Tulliwuddle would never so far demean himself!" + +"I have it from old Gallosh himself," declared Mr. +Maddison. + +"And that girl Gallosh told Eleanor the same," +added Ri. + +"Pooh!" cried the Count. "A mere invention." + +"You are certain, sir, that Lord Tulliwuddle gave +them no grounds whatever for supposing such a thing?" + +"I pledge my reputation as Count of the Austrian +Empire, that if my friend be indeed a Tulliwuddle he +is faithful to your charming daughter!" + +Father and son looked at him shrewdly. + +"Being a Tulliwuddle, or any other sort of pampered +aristocrat, doesn't altogether guarantee faithfulness," +observed the Silver King. + +"If he has deceived you, he shall answer to ME!" +declared the Count. "And between ourselves, as nature's +gentleman to nature's gentleman, you may assure Miss +Maddison that there is not the remotest likelihood of +this scheming Miss Gallosh ever becoming my friend's +bride!" + +The two Dariuses were sensibly affected by this +assurance. + +"As nature's gentleman to nature's gentleman!" +repeated the elder with unction, wringing his hand. + +His son displayed an equal enthusiasm, and the Count +departed with an enhanced reputation and the lingering +fragrance of a cocktail upon his tongue. + +"Now I think we are in comparatively smooth water," +he said to himself as he whizzed back to the castle. + +At the door he was received by the butler. + +"Mr. Gallosh is waiting for you in the library, my +lord," said he, adding confidentially (since the Count +had endeared himself to all), "He's terrible impatient +for to see your lordship." + + + +CHAPTER XXVI + +Evidently Mr. Gallosh, while waiting for the +Count's return, had so worked up his wrath +that it was ready to explode on a hair-trigger +touch; and, as evidently, his guest's extreme +urbanity made it exceedingly difficult to carry out his +threatening intentions. + +"I want a word with you, Count. I've been wanting +a word with you all morning," he began. + +"Believe me, Mr. Gallosh, I appreciate the compliment." + +"Where were you? I mean it was verra annoying +not to find you when I wanted you." + +The merchant was so evidently divided between anxiety +to blurt out his mind while it was yet hot from the +making up, and desire not to affront a guest and a man +of rank, that the Count could scarcely restrain a smile. + +"It is equally annoying to myself. I should have +enjoyed a conversation with you at any hour since breakfast." + +"Umph," replied his host. + +"What can I do for you now?" + +Mr. Gallosh looked at him steadfastly. + +"Count Bunker," said he, "I am only a plain +man----" + +"The ladies, I assure you, are not of that opinion," +interposed the Count politely. + +Mr. Gallosh seemed to him to receive this compliment +with more suspicion than pleasure. + +"I'm saying," he repeated, "that I'm only a plain +man of business, and you and your friend are what +you'd call swells." + +"God forbid that I should!" the Count interjected +fervently. " 'Toffs,' possibly--but no matter, please +continue." + +"Well, now, so long as his lordship likes to treat me +and my family as kind of belonging to a different sphere, +I'm well enough content. I make no pretensions, Count, +to be better than what I am." + +"I also, Mr. Gallosh, endeavor to affect a similar +modesty. It's rather becoming, I think, to a fine-looking +man." + +"It's becoming to any kind of man that he should +know his place. But I was saying, I'd have been content +if his lordship had been distant and polite and that +kind of thing. But was he? You know yourself, Count, +how he's behaved!" + +"Perfectly politely, I trust." + +"But he's not been what you'd call distant, Count +Bunker. In fac', the long and the short of it is just +this--what's his intentions towards my Eva?" + +"Is it Mrs. Gallosh who desires this information?" + +"It is. And myself too; oh, I'm not behindhand +where the reputation of my daughters is concerned!" + +"Mrs. G. has screwed him up to this," said the +Count to himself. Aloud, he asked with his blandest +air-- + +"Was not Lord Tulliwuddle available himself?" + +"No; he's gone out." + +"Alone?" + +"No, not alone." + +"In brief, with Miss Gallosh?" + +"Quite so; and what'll he be saying to her?" + +"He is a man of such varied information that it's +hard to guess." + +"From all I hear, there's not been much variety so +far," said Mr. Gallosh drily. + +"Dear me!" observed the Count. + +His host looked at him for a few moments. + +"Well?" he demanded at length. + +"Pardon me if I am stupid, but what comment do +you expect me to make?" + +"Well, you see, we all know quite well you're more +in his lordship's confidence than any one else in the +house, and I'd take it as a favor if you'd just give me +your honest opinion. Is he just playing himself--or +what?" + +The worthy Mr. Gallosh was so evidently sincere, and +looked at him with such an appealing eye, that the Count +found the framing of a suitable reply the hardest task +that had yet been set him. + +"Mr. Gallosh, if I were in Tulliwuddle's shoes I can +only say that I should consider myself a highly fortunate +individual; and I do sincerely believe that that is +his own conviction also." + +"You think so?" + +"I do indeed." + +Though sensibly relieved, Mr. Gallosh still felt vaguely +conscious that if he attempted to repeat this statement +for the satisfaction of his wife, he would find it +hard to make it sound altogether as reassuring as when +accompanied by the Count's sympathetic voice. He +ruminated for a minute, and then suddenly recalled +what the Count's evasive answers and sympathetic +assurances had driven from his mind. Yet it was, in fact, +the chief occasion of concern. + +"Do you know, Count Bunker, what his lordship has +gone and done?" + +"Should one inquire too specifically?" smiled the +Count; but Mr. Gallosh remained unmoved. + +"You can bear me witness that he told us he was +giving this gathering in my Eva's honor?" + +"Undoubtedly." + +"Well, he went and told Miss Maddison it was for +her sake?" + +"Incredible!" + +"It's a fact!" + +"I refuse to believe my friend guilty of such perfidy! +Who told you this?" + +"The Maddisons themselves." + +"Ha, ha!" laughed the Count, as heartily as he had +laughed at Lincoln Lodge; "don't you know these +Americans sometimes draw the long bow?" + +"You mean to say you don't believe they told the +truth?" + +"My dear Mr. Gallosh, I would answer you in +the oft-quoted words of Horace--'Arma virumque +cano.' The philosophy of a solar system is some +times compressed within an eggshell. Say nothing +and see!" + +He shook his host heartily by the hand as he spoke, +and Mr. Gallosh, to his subsequent perplexity, found +the interview apparently at a satisfactory conclusion. + +"And now," said the Count to himself, " 'Bolt!' is +the word." + +As he set about his packing in the half-hour that yet +remained before luncheon, he was surprised to note that +his friend had evidently left no orders yet concerning +any preparations for his departure. + +"Confound him! I thought he had made up his +mind last night! Ah, there he comes--and singing, too, +by Jingo! If he wants another day's dalliance----" + +At this point his reflections were interrupted by the +entrance of the jovial Baron himself. He stopped and +stared at his friend. + +"Vat for do you pack up?" + +"Because we leave this afternoon." + +"Ach, Bonker, absurd! To-morrow--yes, to-morrow +ve vill leave." + +Bunker folded his arms and looked at him seriously. + +"I have had two interviews this morning--one with +Mr. Maddison, the other with Mr. Gallosh. They were +neither of them pleased with you, Baron." + +"Not pleased? Vat did zey say?" + +Depicting the ire of these gentlemen in the most vivid +terms, the Count gave him a summary of his morning's +labors. + +"Pooh, pooh! Tuts, tuts!" exclaimed the Baron. +"I vill make zat all right; never do you fear. Eva, she +does smile on me already. Eleanor, she vill also ven I +see her. Leave it to me." + +"You won't go to-day?" + +"To-morrow, Bonker, I swear I vill for certain!" + +Bonker pondered. + +"Hang it!" he exclaimed. "The worst of it is, I've +pledged myself to go upon a visit." + +The Baron listened to the tale of his incipient romance +with the greatest relish. + +"Bot go, my friend! Bot go!" he cried, "and +zen come back here to-morrow and ve vill leave togezzer." + +"Leave you alone, with the barometer falling and the +storm-cone hoisted? I don't like to, Baron." + +"Bot to leave zat leetle girl--eh, Bonker? How is +zat?" + +"Was ever a man so torn between two duties!" +exclaimed the conscientious Count. + +"Ladies come first!" quoth the Baron. + +Bunker was obviously strongly tending to this opinion +also. + +"Can I trust you to guide your own destinies without me?" + +The Baron drew himself up with a touch of indignation. + +"Am I a child or a fool? I have guided mine destiny +vary vell so far, and I zink I can still so do. Ven vill +you go to see Miss Wallingford?" + +"I'll hire a trap from the village after lunch and be +off about four," said the Count. "Long live the ladies! +Learn wisdom by my example! Will this tie conquer +her, do you think?" + +In this befitting spirit he drove off that afternoon, +and the Baron, after waving his adieus from the door, +strode brimful of confidence towards the drawing-room. +His thoughts must have gone astray, for he turned by +accident into the wrong room--a small apartment hardly +used at all; and before he had time to turn back he +stopped petrified at the sight of a picture on the wall. +There could be no mistake--it was the original of that +ill-omened print he had seen in the Edinburgh hotel, +"The Execution of Lord Tulliwuddle." The actual +title was there plain to see. + +"Zen it vas not a hoax!" he gasped. + +His first impulse was to look for a bicycle and tear +after the dog-cart. + +"But can I ride him in a kilt?" he reflected. + +By the time he had fully debated this knotty point +his friend was miles upon his way, and the Baron was +left ruefully to lament his rashness in parting with such +an ally. + + + +CHAPTER XXVII + +During the horrid period of suspense that +followed her visit to Sir Justin, the Baroness +von Blitzenberg naturally enough felt +disinclined to go much into society, and in +fact rarely went out at all during the Baron's absence, +except to the houses of one or two of her mother's +particular friends. Even then she felt much more inclined +to stay at home. + +"Need we go to Mrs. Jerwin-Speedy's to-night?" +she said one afternoon. + +"Certainly," replied the Countess decisively. + +Alicia sighed submissively; but this attitude was +abruptly changed into one of readiness, nay, even of alacrity, +when her mother remarked-- + +"By the way, she is an aunt of the present +Tulliwuddle. I believe it was you who were asking about him +the other day." + +"Was I?" said the Baroness carelessly; but she +offered no further objections to attending Mrs. Jerwin- +Speedy's reception. + +She found there a large number of people compressed +into a couple of small rooms, and she soon felt so lost in +the crush of strangers, and the chances of obtaining +any information about Lord Tulliwuddle or his Eva +seemed so remote, that she soon began to wish herself +comfortably at home again, even though it were only to +fret. But fortune, which had so long been unkind to +her and indulgent to her erring spouse, chose that night +as the turning-point in her tide of favors. Little +dreaming how much hung on a mere introduction, Mrs. +Jerwin-Speedy led up to the Baroness an apparently +nervous and diffident young man. + +"Let me introduce my nephew, Lord Tulliwuddle-- +the Baroness von Blitzenberg," said she; and having +innocently hurled this bomb, retired from further +participation in the drama. + +With young and diffident men Alicia had a pleasant +instinct for conducting herself as smilingly as though +they were the greatest wits about the town. The envious +of her sex declared that it was because she scarcely +recognized the difference; but be that as it may, it +served her on this occasion in the most admirable stead. +She detached the agitated peer from the thickest of the +throng, propped him beside her against the wall, and by +her kindness at length unloosed his tongue. Then it +was she began to suspect that his nervous manner must +surely be due to some peculiar circumstance rather than +mere constitutional shyness. Made observant by her +keen curiosity, she noticed at first a worried, almost +hunted, look in his eyes and an extreme impatience of +scrutiny by his fellow-guests; but as he gained +confidence in her kindness and discretion these passed away, +and he appeared simply a garrulous young man, with +a tolerably good opinion of himself. + +"Poor fellow! He is in trouble of some kind. +Something to do with Eva, of course!" she said to +her sympathetically. + +The genuine Tulliwuddle had indeed some cause for +perturbation. After keeping himself out of the way +of all his friends and most of his acquaintances ever +since the departure of his substitute, hearing nothing +of what was happening at Hechnahoul, and living in +daily dread of the ignominious exposure of their plot, +he had stumbled by accident against his aunt, explained +his prolonged absence from her house with the utmost +difficulty, and found himself forced to appease her +wounded feelings by appearing where he least wished +to be seen--in a crowded London reception-room. +No wonder the unfortunate young man seemed nervous +and ill at ease. + +As for Alicia, she was consumed with anxiety to know +why he was here and not in Scotland, as Sir Justin had +supposed; and, indeed, to learn a number of things. +And now they were rapidly getting on sufficiently +familiar terms for her to put a tactful question or two. +Encouraged by her sympathy, he began to touch upon +his own anxieties. + +"A young man ought to get married, I suppose," he +remarked confidentially. + +The Baroness smiled. + +"That depends on whether he likes any one well +enough to marry her, doesn't it?" + +He sighed. + +"Do you think--honestly now," he said solemnly, +"that one should marry for love or marry for money?" + +"For love, certainly!" + +"You really think so? You'd advise--er--advise +a fellow to blow the prejudices of his friends, and +that sort of thing?" + +"I should have to know a little more about the case." + +He was evidently longing for a confidant. + +"Suppose er--one girl was ripping, but--well-- +on the stage, for instance." + +"On the stage!" exclaimed the Baroness. "Yes, +please go on. What about the other girl?" + +"Suppose she had simply pots of money, but the +fellow didn't know much more about her?" + +"I certainly shouldn't marry a girl I didn't know +a good deal about," said the Baroness with conviction. + +Lord Tulliwuddle seemed impressed with this opinion. + +"That's just what I have begun to think," said he, +and gazed down at his pumps with a meditative air. + +The Baroness thought the moment had come when +she could effect a pretty little surprise. + +"Which of them is called Eva?" she asked archly. + +To her intense disappointment he merely stared. + +"Don't you really know any girl called Eva?" + +He shook his head. + +"Can't think of any one." + +Suspicion, fear, bewilderment, made her reckless. + +"Have you been in Scotland--at your castle, as I +heard you were going?" + +A mighty change came over the young man. He +backed away from her, stammering hurriedly + +"No--yes--I--er--why do you ask me that?" + +"Is there any other Lord Tulliwuddle?" she +demanded breathlessly. + +He gave her one wild look, and then without so +much as a farewell had turned and elbowed his way +out of the room. + +"It's all up!" he said to himself. "There's no use +trying to play that game any longer--Essington has +muddled it somehow. Well, I'm free to do what I +like now!" + +In this state of mind he found himself in the street, +hailed the first hansom, and drove headlong from the +dangerous regions of Belgravia. + + . . . . . . + +Till the middle of the next day the Baroness still +managed to keep her own counsel, though she was now +so alarmed that she was twenty times on the point of +telling everything to her mother. But the arrival of +a note from Sir Justin ended her irresolution. It +ran thus: + + +"MY DEAR ALICIA,--I have just learned for certain +that Lord T. is at his place in Scotland. Singularly +enough, he is described as apparently of foreign +extraction, and I hear that he is accompanied by a +friend of the name of Count Bunker. I am just setting +out for the North myself, and trust that I may +be able to elucidate the mystery. Yours very truly, + "JUSTIN WALLINGFORD." + + +"Foreign extraction! Count Bunker!" gasped the +Baroness; and without stopping to debate the matter +again, she rushed into her mother's arms, and there +sobbed out the strange story of her second letter and +the two Lord Tulliwuddles. + +It were difficult to say whether anger at her daughter's +deceit, indignation with the treacherous Baron, +or a stern pleasure in finding her worst prognostications +in a fair way to being proved, was the uppermost +emotion in Lady Grillyer's mind when she had +listened to this relation. Certainly poor Alicia could +not but think that sympathy for her troubles formed +no ingredient in the mixture. + +"To think of your concealing this from me for so +long!" she cried: "and Sir Justin abetting you! I +shall tell him very plainly what I think of him! But +if my daughter sets an example in treachery, what can +one expect of one's friends?" + +"After all, mamma, it was my own and Rudolph's +concern more than your's!" exclaimed Alicia, flaring +up for an instant. + +"Don't answer me, child!" thundered the Countess. +"Fetch me a railway time-table, and say nothing that +may add to your sin!" + +"A time-table, mamma? What for?" + +"I am going to Scotland," pronounced the Countess. + +"Then I shall go too!" + +"Indeed you shall not. You will wait here till I +have brought Rudolph back to you." + +The Baroness said nothing aloud, but within her +wounded heart she thought bitterly + +"Mamma seems to forget that even worms will turn +sometimes!" + + + +CHAPTER XXVIII + +"A decidedly delectable residence," said +Count Bunker to himself as his dog-cart +approached the lodge gates of The Lash. +"And a very proper setting for the pleasant +scenes so shortly to be enacted. Lodge, avenue, +a bogus turret or two, and a flagstaff on top of 'em-- +by Gad, I think one may safely assume a tolerable +cellar in such a mansion." + +As he drove up the avenue between a double line of +ancient elms and sycamores, his satisfaction increased +and his spirits rose ever higher. + +"I wonder if I can forecast the evening: a game of +three-handed bridge, in which I trust I'll be lucky +enough to lose a little silver, that'll put 'em in good- +humor and make old Miss What-d'ye-may-call-her the +more willing to go to bed early; then the departure +of the chaperon; and then the tete-a-tete! I hope +to Heaven I haven't got rusty!" + +With considerable satisfaction he ran over the outfit +he had brought, deeming it even on second thoughts +a singularly happy selection: the dining coat with pale- +blue lapels, the white tie of a new material and cut +borrowed from the Baron's finery, the socks so ravishingly +embroidered that he had more than once caught +the ladies at Hechnahoul casting affectionate glances +upon them. + +"A first-class turn-out," he thought. "And what a +lucky thing I thought of borrowing a banjo from +young Gallosh! A coon song in the twilight will break +the ground prettily." + +By this time they had stopped before the door, and +an elderly man-servant, instead of waiting for the +Count, came down the steps to meet him. In his +manner there was something remarkably sheepish and +constrained, and, to the Count's surprise, he thrust +forth his hand almost as if he expected it to be shaken. +Bunker, though a trifle puzzled, promptly handed him +the banjo case, remarking pleasantly-- + +"My banjo; take care of it, please." + +The man started so violently that he all but dropped +it upon the steps. + +"What the deuce did he think I said?" wondered +the Count. " 'Banjo' can't have sounded 'dynamite.' " + +He entered the house, and found himself in a pleasant +hall, where his momentary uneasiness was at once +forgotten in the charming welcome of his hostess. +Not only she, but her chaperon, received him with a +flattering warmth that realized his utmost expectations. + +"It was so good of you to come!" cried Miss Wallingford. + +"So very kind," murmured Miss Minchell. + +"I knew you wouldn't think it too unorthodox!" +added Julia. + +"I'm afraid orthodoxy is a crime I shall never swing +for," said the Count, with his most charming smile. + +"I am sure my father wouldn't REALLY mind," said +Julia. + +"Not if Sir Justin shared your enthusiasm, dear," +added Miss Minchell. + +"I must teach him to!" + +"Good Lord!" thought the Count. "This is +friendly indeed." + +A few minutes passed in the exchange of these +preliminaries, and then his hostess said, with a pretty +little air of discipleship that both charmed and slightly +puzzled him + +"You do still think that nobody should dine later +than six, don't you? I have ordered dinner for six +to-night." + +"Six!" exclaimed the Count, but recovering himself, +added, "An ideal hour--and it is half-past five now. +Perhaps I had better think of dressing." + +"What YOU call dressing!" smiled Julia, to his +justifiable amazement. "Let me show you to your +room." + +She led him upstairs, and finally stopped before an +open door. + +"There!" she said, with an air of pride. "It is +really my father's bedroom when he is at home, but +I've had it specially prepared for YOU! Is it just as +you would like?" + +Bunker was incapable of observing anything very +particularly beyond the fact that the floor was +uncarpeted, and as nearly free from furniture as a +bedroom floor could well be. + +"It is ravishing!" he murmured, and dismissed her +with a well-feigned smile. + +Bereft even of expletives, he gazed round the apartment +prepared for him. It was a few moments before +he could bring himself to make a tour of its vast +bleakness. + +"I suppose that's what they call a truckle-bed," +he mused. "Oh, there is one chair--nothing but cold +water-towels made of vegetable fibre apparently. +The devil take me, is this a reformatory for bogus +noblemen!" + +He next gazed at the bare whitewashed wall. On it +hung one picture--the portrait of a strangely attired +man. + +"What n shocking-looking fellow!" he exclaimed, +and went up to examine it more closely. + +Then, with a stupefying shock, he read this legend +beneath it + +"Count Bunker. Philosopher, teacher, and martyr." + +For a minute he stared in rapt amazement, and then +sharply rang the bell. + +"Hang it," he said to himself, "I must throw a +little light on this somehow!" + +Presently the elderly man-servant appeared, this +time in a state of still more obvious confusion. For +a moment he stared at the Count--who was too discomposed +by his manner to open his lips--and then, +once more stretching out his hand, exclaimed in a +choked voice and a strong Scotch accent-- + +"How are ye, Bunker!" + +"What the deuce!" shouted the Count, evading the +proffered hand-shake with an agile leap. + +The poor fellow turned scarlet, and in an humble +voice blurted out-- + +"She told me to do it! Miss Julia said ye'd like me +to shake hands and just ca' ye plain Bunker. I beg +your pardon, sir; oh, I beg your pardon humbly!" + +The Count looked at him keenly. + +"He is evidently telling the truth," he thought. + +Thereupon he took from his pocket half a sovereign. + +"My good fellow," he began. "By the way, what's +your name?" + +"Mackenzie, sir." + +"Mackenzie, my honest friend, I clearly perceive +that Miss Wallingford, in her very kind efforts to +gratify my unconventional tastes, has put herself to +quite unnecessary trouble. She has even succeeded in +surprising me, and I should be greatly obliged if you +would kindly explain to me the reasons for her conduct, +so far as you can." + +At this point the half-sovereign changed hands. + +"In the first place," resumed the Count, "what is +the meaning of this remarkably villainous portrait +labelled with my name?" + +"That, sir," stammered Mackenzie, greatly taken +aback by the inquiry. "Why, sir, that's the famous +Count Bunker--your uncle, sir, is he no'?" + +Bunker began to see a glimmer of light, though the +vista it illumined was scarcely a much pleasanter +prospect than the previous bank of fog. He remembered +now, for the first time since his journey north, +that the Baron, in dubbing him Count Bunker, had +encouraged him to take the title on the ground that +it was a real dignity once borne by a famous personage; +and in a flash he realized the pitfalls that awaited +a solitary false step. + +"THAT my uncle!" he exclaimed with an air of +pleased surprise, examining the portrait more attentively; +"by Gad, I suppose it is! But I can't say it +is a flattering likeness. 'Philosopher, teacher, and +martyr'--how apt a description! I hadn't noticed +that before, or I should have known at once who it +was." + +Still Mackenzie was looking at him with a perplexed +and uneasy air. + +"Miss Wallingford, sir, seems under the impression +that you would be wanting jist the same kind of things +as he likit," he remarked diffidently. + +The Count laughed. + +"Hence the condemned cell she's put me in? I see! +Ha, ha! No, Mackenzie, I have moved with the times. +In fact, my uncle's philosophy and teachings always +struck me as hardly suitable for a gentleman." + +"I was thinking that mysel'," observed Mackenzie. + +"Well, you understand now how things are, don't +you? By the way, you haven't put out my evening +clothes, I notice." + +"You werena to dress, sir, Miss Julia said." + +"Not to dress! What the deuce does she expect me +to dine in?" + +With a sheepish grin Mackenzie pointed to something +upon the bed which the Count had hitherto taken to be +a rough species of quilt. + +"She said you might like to wear that, sir." + +The Count took it up. + +"It appears to be a dressing-gown!" said he. + +"She said, sir, your uncle was wont to dine in +it." + +"Ah! It's one of my poor uncle's eccentricities, +is it? Very nice of Miss Wallingford; but all the same +I think you can put out my evening clothes for me; and, +I say, get me some hot water and a couple of towels +that feel a little less like sandpaper, will you? By the +way--one moment, Mackenzie!--you needn't mention +anything of this to Miss Wallingford. I'll explain it +all to her myself." + +It is remarkable how the presence or absence of a +few of the very minor accessories of life will affect the +humor even of a man so essentially philosophical as +Count Bunker. His equanimity was most marvelously +restored by a single jugful of hot water, and by the +time he came to survey his blue lapels in the mirror the +completest confidence shone in his humorous eyes. + +"How deuced pleased she'll be to find I'm a white +man after all," he reflected. "Supposing I'd really +turned out a replica of that unshaved heathen on the +wall--poor girl, what a dull evening she'd have spent! +Perhaps I'd better break the news gently for the +chaperon's sake, but once we get her of to bed I rather +fancy the fair Julia and I will smile together over my +dear uncle's dressing-gown!" + +And in this humor he strode forth to conquer. + + + +CHAPTER XXIX + +Count Bunker could not but observe that +Miss Wallingford's eyes expressed more surprise +than pleasure when he entered the drawing- +room, and he was confirmed in his resolution +to let his true character appear but gradually. +Afterwards he could not congratulate himself too +heartily on this prudent decision. + +"I fear," he said, "that I am late." (It was in +fact half-past six by now.) "I have been searching +through my wardrobe to find some nether garments at +all appropriate to the overall--if I may so term it-- +which you were kind enough to lay out for me. But I +found mustard of that particular shade so hard to +match that I finally decided in favor of this more +conventional habit. I trust you don't mind?" + +Both the ladies, though evidently disappointed, +excused him with much kindness, and Miss Minchell +alluded directly to his blue lapels as evidence that even +now he held himself somewhat aloof from strict orthodoxy. + +"May we see any allusion to your uncle, the late +Count Bunker, in his choice of color?" she asked in a +reverently hushed voice. + +"Yes," replied the Count readily; "my aunt's stockings +were of that hue." + +From the startled glances of the two ladies it became +plain that the late Count Bunker had died a bachelor. + +"My other aunt," he exclaimed unabashed; yet +nevertheless it was with decided pleasure that he heard +dinner announced immediately afterwards. + +"They seem to know something about my uncle," +he said to himself. "I must glean a few particulars +too." + +A horrible fear lest his namesake might have dined +solely upon herbs, and himself be expected to follow his +example, was pleasantly dissipated by a glance at the +menu; but he confessed to a sinking of his heart when +he observed merely a tumbler beside his own plate and +a large brown jug before him. + +"Good heavens!" he thought, "do they imagine an +Austrian count is necessarily a beer drinker?" + +With a sigh he could not quite smother, he began to +pour the contents into his glass, and then set it down +abruptly, emitting a startled exclamation. + +"What is the matter?" cried Julia sympathetically. + +Her eyes (he was embarrassed to note) followed his +every movement like a dog's, and her apprehension +clearly was extreme. + +"This seems to be water," smiled the Count, with an +effort to carry off their error as pleasantly for them as +possible. + +"Isn't it good water?" asked Julia with an air of +concern. + +It was the Count's turn to open his eyes. + +"You have concluded then that I am a teetotaler?" + +"Of course, we know you are!" + +"If we may judge by your prefaces," smiled Miss +Minchell. + +The Count began to realize the hazards that beset +him; but his spirit stoutly rose to meet the shock of the +occasion. + +"There is no use in attempting to conceal my +idiosyncrasies, I see," he answered. "But to-night, will +you forgive me if I break through the cardinal rule +of my life and ask you for a little stimulant? My +doctor----" + +"I see!" cried Miss Wallingford compassionately. +"Of course, one can't dispute a doctor's orders. What +would you like?" + +"Oh, anything you have. He did recommend champagne-- +if it was good; but anything will do." + +"A bottle of the VERY best champagne, Mackenzie!" + +The dinner now became an entirely satisfactory meal. +Inspired by his champagne and by the success of his +audacity in so easily surmounting all difficulties, the +Count delighted his hostesses by the vivacity and originality +of his conversation. On the one hand, he chose +topics not too flippant in themselves and treated them +with a becomingly serious air; on the other, he carefully +steered the talk away from the neighborhood of his +uncle. + +"By the time I fetch out my banjo they'll have +forgotten all about him," he said to himself complacently. + +Knowing well the importance of the individual factor +in all the contingencies of life, he set himself, in the +meanwhile, to study with some attention the two ladies +beside him. Miss Minchell he had already summarized +as an agreeable nonentity, and this impression was only +confirmed on better acquaintance. It was quite evident, +he perceived, that she was dragged practically +unresisting in Miss Wallingford's wake--even to the +length of abetting the visit of an unknown bachelor in +the absence of Miss Wallingford's parent. + +As for Julia, he decided that she was even better- +looking and more agreeable than he had at first +imagined; though, having the gayest of hearts himself, +he was a trifle disconcerted to observe the uniform +seriousness of her ideas. How one could reconcile her +ecstatic enthusiasm for the ideal with her evident +devotion to himself he was at a loss to conceive. + +"However, we will investigate that later," he +thought. + +But first came a more urgent question: Had his +uncle and his "prefaces" committed him to forswear +tobacco? He resolved to take the bull by the horns. + +"I hope you will not be scandalized to learn that I +have acquired the pernicious habit of smoking?" he said +as they rose from the table. + +"I told you he was smoking a cigar at Hechnahoul!" +cried Miss Minchell with an air of triumph. + +"I thought you were mistaken," said Julia, and the +Count could see that he had slipped a little from his +pedestal. + +This must not be permitted; yet he must smoke. + +"Of course I don't smoke REAL tobacco!" he exclaimed. + +"Oh, in that case," cried Julia, "certainly then you +may smoke in the drawing-room. What is it you use?" + +"A kind of herb that subdues the appetites, Miss +Wallingford." + +He could see at a glance that he was more firmly on +his pedestal than ever. + + + +CHAPTER XXX + +"I have been longing for this moment!" said +Julia softly. + +The Count and she were seated over the +drawing-room fire, Bunker in an easy-chair, +smoking one of the excellent cigars which he had so +grievously slandered, Julia upon a stool by his knees, +her face suffused with the most intense expression of +rapture. Miss Minchell was in the background, +shrouded in shadow, purporting to be enjoying a nap; +yet the Count could not but think that in so large a +house a separate apartment might well have been provided +for her. Her presence, he felt, circumscribed +his actions uncomfortably. + +"So have I!" he murmured, deeming this the most +appropriate answer. + +"Now we can talk about HIM!" + +He started, but preserved his composure. + +"Couldn't we keep HIM till morning?" he suggested. + +"But that is why you are here!" + +She spoke as if this were self-evident; while the +Count read himself a thousand lessons upon the errors +vanity is apt to lead one into. Yet his politeness +remained unruffled. + +"Of course," he answered. "Of course! But you +see my knowledge of him----" + +He was about to say that it was very slight, when, +fortunately for him, she interrupted with an eager-- + +"I know! I know! You were more than a son to +him!" + +"The deuce and all!" thought the Count. "That +was a narrow squeak!" + +"Do you know," she continued in the same tone, +"I have actually had the audacity to translate one of +his books--your preface and all." + +"I understand the allusion now," thought Bunker. + +Aloud he had the presence of mind to inquire-- + +"Which was it?" + +" 'Existence Seriously Reviewed.' " + +"You couldn't have made a better choice," he assured +her. + +"And now, what can you tell me about him?" she +cried. + +"Suppose we talk about the book instead," +suggested Bunker, choosing what seemed the lesser of two +evils. + +"Oh, do!" + +She rose impetuously, brought with a reverent air a +beautifully written and neatly tied-up manuscript, and +sat again by his knee. Looking over his shoulder he +could see that the chaperon was wide awake and prepared +to listen rapturously also. + +"I have so often longed to have some one with me who +could explain things--the very deep things, you know. +But to think of having you--the Editor and nephew! +It's too good to be true." + +"Only eight o'clock," he said to himself, glancing at +the clock. "I'm in for a night of it." + +The vision of a game of bridge and a coon song on +the banjo from that moment faded quite away, and the +Count even tucked his feet as far out of sight as possible, +since those entrancing socks served to remind him +too poignantly of what might have been. + +"What exactly did he mean by this?" began Julia, +" 'Let Potentates fear! Let Dives tremble! The +horny hand of the poor Man in the Street is stretched +forth to grasp his birthright!' " + +"For 'birthright' read 'pocket-book.' There's a +mistake in the translation," he answered promptly. +"It appears to be an indirect argument for an increase +in the Metropolitan police." + +"Are you sure? I thought--surely it alludes to +Socialism!" + +"Of course; and the best advertisement for Socialism +is a collision with the bobbies. My uncle was a remarkably +subtle man, I assure you." + +"How very ingenious!" exclaimed Miss Minchell +from the background. + +Julia did her best to feel convinced; but it was in a +distinctly less ecstatic voice that she read her next extract. + +" 'Alcohol, riches, and starched linen are the moths +and worms of society.' I suppose he means that they +eat away its foundations?" + +"On the contrary, he was an enthusiastic entomologist. +He merely meant to imply that it isn't every +one who can appreciate a glass of port and a clean +shirt." + +"But he didn't appreciate those things himself!" + +"No; poor fellow. He often wished he could, +though." + +"Did he really?" + +"Oh, you've no idea how tired he grew of flannel and +ginger-beer! Many a time he's said to me, 'My boy, +learn to take what's set before you, even at an alderman's +table.' Ah, his was a generous creed, Miss +Wallingford!" + +"Yes, I suppose it was," said Julia submissively. + +His advantage in being able to claim an intimate personal +knowledge of the late philosopher's tastes encouraged +the Count greatly. Realizing that a nephew +could not well be contradicted, he was emboldened to +ask whether there were any more points on which his +authority could be of assistance. + +"Oh yes," said she, "only--only somehow you seem +to throw a different light on everything." + +"Naturally, dear," chimed in Miss Minchell, "a +personal explanation always makes things seem different." + +Julia sighed, but summed up her courage to read +out-- + +" 'When woman is prized according to her intellect +and man according to his virtue; oh, then mankind will +return to Eden!' " + +"That," said he, "is one of the rare instances of +my uncle's pessimism." + +"Of his pessimism! How can you say that?" + +"He meant to imply that mankind would have to wait +for some considerable time. But do not feel dismayed. +My own opinion is that so long as woman is fair and +man has the wit to appreciate her, we ARE in Eden." + +The gracious tone in which he delivered this dictum, +and the moving smile that accompanied it, appeared to +atone completely for his relative's cynical philosophy. +With a smile and a sigh Julia murmured-- + +"Do you really think so?" + +"I do," said the Count fervently; "and now suppose +we were to have a little music?" + +"Oh yes!" cried Miss Minchell; "do you perform, +Count Bunker?" + +"I sometimes sing a little to the guitar." + +"To the guitar!" said Julia. "How delicious! +Have you brought it?" + +"I have been so bold," he smiled, and promptly went +to fetch this instrument. + +In a few minutes he returned with an apologetic air. + +"I find that by some error they have sent me away +with a banjo instead," he exclaimed. "But I dare say +I could manage an accompaniment on that if you +would condescend to listen to me." + +He felt so exceedingly disinclined for expounding a +philosophy any longer that he gave them no time to +dissent, even had they wished to, but on the instant +struck up that pathetic ditty-- + + "Down by whar de beans grow blue." + + +And no sooner had he finished it than (barely waiting +for his meed of applause) he further regaled them +with-- + + "Twould make a fellow + Turn green and yellow! + + +Finally, as a tit-bit, he contributed-- + + "When hubby s gone to Brighton, + And I ve sent the cook to bed, + Oh who's that a-knocking on the window!" + + +At the conclusion of this concert he knew not whether +to feel more relieved or chagrined to observe that his +fair hostess had her eyes fixed upon the clock. Thanking +him with a slightly embarrassed air, she threw a +pointed glance at Miss Minchell, and the two ladies rose. + +"I am afraid you will think we keep very early +hours," she began. + +"It is one of the best rules in my uncle's philosophy," +he interposed. + +Yet though glad enough to have come so triumphantly +to the end of his ordeal, he could not bring himself +to let his charming disciple leave him in a wounded +or even disappointed mood. As soon as Miss Minchell +had passed through the door he quietly laid his hand +upon Julia's arm, and with a gesture beckoned her back +into the room. + +"Pardon my seeming levity, Miss Wallingford," +he said in a grave and gentle voice, "but you know not +what emotions I had to contend with! I thank you for +your charming sympathy, and I beg you to accept +in my uncle's name that salute by which his followers +distinguish the faithful." + +And he thereupon kissed the blushing girl with a +heartiness that restored her confidence in him completely. + +"Well," he said to himself as he retired with his +candle, "I've managed to get a fair penn'orth out of +it after all." + + + +CHAPTER XXXI + +In spite of the Spartan transformation which Sir +Justin's bedroom had undergone, our adventurer +enjoyed an excellent night's rest. So fast +asleep was he at the hour of eight next morning +that it took him a few seconds to awake to the full +possession of his faculties, even when disturbed by a loud +exclamation at his bedside. He then became aware of +the presence of an entire stranger in his room--a tall +and elderly man, with a long nose and a grizzled beard. +This intruder had apparently just drawn up the blind, +and was now looking about him with an expression of +the greatest concern. + +"Mackenzie!" he cried, in the voice of one accustomed +to be heard with submission, "What have you +been doing to my room?" + +The butler, too confused for coherent speech, was +in the act of bringing in a small portmanteau. + +"I--I mentioned, Sir Justin, your room was hardly +ready for ye, sir. Perhaps, sir, if ye'd come into the +pink room----" + +"What the deuce, there's hardly a stick of furniture +left! And whose clothes are these?" + +"Mine," answered the Count suavely. + +The stranger started violently, and turned upon the +bed an eye at first alarmed, then rapidly becoming lit +with indignation. + +"Who--who is this?" he shouted. + +"That, sir--that----" stammered Mackenzie. + +"Is Count Bunker," said the Count, who remained +entirely courteous in spite of the inconvenience of this +intrusion. "Have I the pleasure of addressing Sir +Justin Wallingford?" + +"You have, sir." + +"In that case, Mackenzie will be able to give you a +satisfactory account of my presence; and in half an +hour or so I shall have the pleasure of joining you +downstairs." + +The Count, with a polite smile, turned over in bed, as +though to indicate that the interview was now at an +end. But his visitor apparently had other views. + +"I should be obliged by some explanation from +yourself of your entry into my house," said he, steadily +keeping his eye upon the Count. + +"Now how the deuce shall I get out of this hole +without letting Julia into another?" wondered Bunker; +but before he could speak, Mackenzie had blurted out-- + +"Miss Wallingford, sir--the gentleman is a friend +of hers, sir." + +"What!" thundered Sir Justin. + +"I assure you that Miss Wallingford was actuated +by the highest motives in honoring me with an +invitation to The Lash," said Bunker earnestly. + +He had already dismissed an ingenious account of +himself as a belated wanderer, detained by stress of +weather, as certain to be contradicted by Julia herself, +and decided Instead on risking all upon his supposed +uncle's saintly reputation. + +"How came she to invite you, sir?" demanded Sir +Justin. + +"As my uncle's nephew, merely." + +Sir Justin stared at him in silence, while he brought +the full force of his capacious mind to bear upon the +situation. + +"Your name, you say, is Bunker?" he observed at +length. + +"Count Bunker," corrected that nobleman. + +"Ah! Doubtless, then, you are the same gentleman +who has been residing with Lord Tulliwuddle?" + +"I am unaware of a duplicate." + +"And the uncle you allude to----?" + +By a wave of his hand the Count referred him to the +portrait upon the wall. Sir Justin now stared at it. + +"Bunker--Count Bunker," he repeated in a musing +tone, and then turned to the present holder of that dignity +with a look in his eye which the adventurer disliked +exceedingly. + +"I will confer with you later," he observed. +"Mackenzie, remove my portmanteau." + +In a voice inaudible to the Count he gave another +order, which was followed by Mackenzie also removing +the Count's clothes from their chair. + +"I say, Mackenzie!" expostulated Bunker, now +beginning to feel seriously uneasy; but heedless of his +protest the butler hastened with them from the room. + +Then, with a grim smile and a surprising alacrity +of movement, Sir Justin changed the key into the outside +of the lock, passed through the door, and shut and +locked it behind him. + +"The devil!" ejaculated Count Bunker. + +Here was a pretty predicament! And the most +ominous feature about it appeared to him to be the +deliberation with which his captor had acted. It seemed +that he had got himself into a worse scrape than he +could estimate. + +He wasted no time in examining his prison with an +eye to the possibility of an escape, but it became very +quickly evident that he was securely trapped. From +the windows he could not see even a water-pipe within +hail, and the door was unburstably ponderous. Besides, +a gentleman attired either in pajamas or evening +dress will naturally shrink from flight across country +at nine o'clock in the morning. It seemed to the Count +that he was as well in bed as anywhere else, and upon +this opinion he acted. + +In about an hour's time the door was cautiously +unlocked, and a tray, containing some breakfast, laid upon +the floor; but at the same time he was permitted to see +that a cordon of grooms and keepers guarded against +his flight. He showed a wonderful appetite, all +circumstances considered, smoked a couple of cigars, and +at last decided upon getting up and donning his evening +clothes. Thereafter nothing occurred, beyond the +arrival of a luncheon tray, till the afternoon was well +advanced; by which time even his good spirits had +become a trifle damped, and his apprehensions +considerably increased. + +At last his prison door was again thrown open, this +time by Sir Justin himself. + +"Come in, my dear," he said in a grave voice; and +with a downcast eye and scarlet cheek the fair Julia +met her guest again. + +Her father closed the door, and they seated +themselves before their prisoner, who, after a profound +obeisance to the lady, faced them from the edge of his +bed with an air of more composure than he felt. + +"I await your explanation, Sir Justin," he began, +striking at once the note which seemed to him (so far +as he could guess) most likely to be characteristic of an +innocent and much-injured man. + +"You shall have it," said Sir Justin grimly. "Julia, +you asked this person to my house under the impression +that he was the nephew of that particularly obnoxious +fanatic, Count Herbrand Bunker, and still engaged +upon furthering his relative's philanthropic and other +visionary schemes." + +"But isn't he----" began Julia with startled eyes. + +"I am Count Bunker," said our hero firmly. + +"The nephew in question?" inquired Sir Justin. + +"Certainly, sir." + +Again Sir Justin turned to his daughter. + +"I have already told you what I think of your +conduct under any circumstances. What your feelings +will be I can only surmise when I inform you that I +have detained this adventurer here until I had time to +despatch a wire and receive an answer from Scotland +Yard." + +Both Count and Julia started. + +"What, sir!" exclaimed Bunker. + +Quite unmoved by his protest, his captor continued, +this time addressing him-- + +"My memory, fortunately, is unusually excellent, +and when you told me this morning who you were +related to, I recalled at once something I had heard of +your past career. It is now confirmed by the reply I +received to my telegram." + +"And what, Sir Justin, does Scotland Yard have to +say about me?" + +"Julia," said her parent, "this unhappy young man +did indeed profess for some time a regard for his +uncle's teachings, and even, I believe, advocated them +in writing. In this way he obtained the disposal of +considerable funds contributed by unsuspicious persons +for ostensibly philanthropic purposes. About two +years ago these funds and Count Bunker simultaneously +disappeared, and your estimable guest was last heard +of under an assumed name in the republic of Uruguay." + +Uncomfortable as his predicament was, this picture +of himself as the fraudulent philanthropist was too +much for Bunker's sense of humor, and to the extreme +astonishment of his visitors he went off into a fit of +laughter so hearty and prolonged that it was some time +before he recovered his gravity. + +"My dear friends," he exclaimed at last, "I am not +that Bunker at all! In fact I was only created a few +weeks ago. Bring me back my clothes, and in return +I'll tell you a deuced sight funnier story even than +that." + +Sir Justin rose and led his daughter to the door. + +"You will have an opportunity to-morrow," he +replied stiffly. "In the meantime I shall leave you to the +enjoyment of the joke." + +"But, my dear sir----" + +Sir Justin turned his back, and the door closed upon +him again. + +Count Bunker's position was now less supportable +than ever. + +"Escape I must," he thought. + +And hardly had he breathed the word when a gleam of +his old luck seemed to return. He was standing by the +window, and presently he observed a groom ride up on +a bicycle, dismount, and push it through an outhouse +door. Then the man strolled off, and he said to himself, +with an uprising of his spirits-- + +"There's my steed--if I could once get to it!" + +Then again he thought the situation over, and +gradually the prospect of a midnight ride on a bicycle over +a road he had only once traversed, clad in his emblazoned +socks and blue-lapelled coat, appeared rather less +entertaining than another night's confinement. So he lit his +last cigar, threw himself on the bed, and resigned himself +to the consolations of an innocent heart and a +practical philosophy. + + + +CHAPTER XXXII + +The clearness of the Count's conscience may be +gauged when it is narrated that no sooner +had he dismissed the stump of his cigar toward +the grate than he dropped into a peaceful +doze and remained placidly unconscious of his perils +for the space of an hour or more. He was then awakened +by the sound of a key being gently turned, and +his opening eyes rested upon a charming vision of Julia +Wallingford framed in the outline of the door. + +"Hush!" she whispered; "I--I have brought a note +for you!" + +Smoothing his hair as he met her, the Count thanked +her with an air of considerable feeling, and took from +her hand a twisted slip of paper. + +"It was brought by a messenger--a man in a kilt, +who came in a motor car. I didn't know whether father +would let you have it, so I brought it up myself." + +"Is the messenger waiting?" + +"No; he went straight off again." + +Unrolling the scrap he read this brief message +scrawled in pencil and evidently in dire haste-- + + +"All is lost! I am prisoner! Go straightway to +London for help from my Embassy. + "R. VON B." + + +"Good heavens!" he exclaimed aloud. + +"Is it bad news?" asked Julia, with a solicitude that +instantly suggested possibilities to his fertile brain. + +"Horribly!" he said. "It tells of a calamity that +has befallen a very dear friend of mine! Oh, Rudolph, +Rudolph! And I a helpless prisoner!" + +As he anticipated, this outburst of emotion was not +without its effect. + +"I am so sorry!" she said. "I--I don't believe, +Count Bunker, you are as guilty as father says!" + +"I swear to you I am not!" + +"Can I--help you?" + +He thought swiftly. + +"Is there any one about the house just now?" + +"Oh yes; the keeper is stationed in the hall!" + +"Miss Wallingford, if you would atone for a deep +injury which you have inadvertently done an innocent +man, bring me fifty feet of stout rope! And, I say, +see that the door of the bicycle house is left unlocked. +Will you do this?" + +"I--I'll try." + +A sound on the stairs alarmed her, and with a fleeting +smile of sympathy she was gone and the door locked +upon him again. + +Again the time passed slowly by, and he was left to +ponder over the critical nature of the situation as revealed +by the luckless Baron's intelligence. Clearly he +must escape to-night, at all hazards. + +"What's that? My rope?" he wondered. + +But it was only the arrival of his dinner, brought as +before upon a tray and set just within the door, as +though they feared for the bearer's life should he venture +within reach of this desperate adventurer from +Uruguay. + +"A very large dish for a very small appetite," he +thought, as he bore his meal over to the bed and drew +his chair up before it. + +It looked indeed as though a roasted goose must be +beneath the cover. He raised it, and there, behold! lay +a large coil of excellent new rope. The Count chuckled. + +"Commend me to the heart and the wit of women! +What man would ever have provided so dainty a dish +as this? Unless, indeed" (he had the breadth of mind +to add) "it happened to be a charming adventuress +who was in trouble." + +Drinking the half pint of moderate claret which they +had allowed him to the happiness and prosperity of all +true-hearted women, he could not help regretting that +his imprisoned confederate should be so unlikely to enjoy +similar good fortune. + +"He went too far with those two dear girls. A +woman deceived as he has deceived them will never forgive +him. They'd stand sentry at his cell-door sooner +than let the poor Baron escape," he reflected +commiserately, and sighed to think of the disastrous effect +this mishap might have both upon his friend's diplomatic +career and domestic felicity. + +While waiting for the dusk to deepen, and endeavoring +to console himself for the lack of cigars with the +poor remedy of cigarettes, he employed his time profitably +in tying a series of double knots upon the line of +rope. Then at last, when he could see the stars bright +above the trees and hear no sound in the house, he +pulled his bed softly to the open window, and to it +fastened one end of his rope securely. The other he +quietly let drop, and losing not an instant followed it +hand under hand, murmuring anathemas on the rough +wall that so scraped his evening trousers. + +On tiptoe he stole to the door through which the +bicycle had gone. It yielded to a push, and once inside +he ventured to strike a match. + +"By Gad! I've a choice of half a dozen," he exclaimed. + +It need scarcely be said that he selected the best; +and after slitting with his pocket-knife the tires of all +the others, he mounted and pedalled quietly down the +drive. The lodge gates stood open; the road, a trifle +muddy but clear of all traffic, stretched visible for a +long way in the starlight; the breeze blew fair behind +him. + +"May Providence guide me to the station," he +prayed, and rode off into the night. + + + +CHAPTER XXXIII + +Suppose the clock be set back four-and-twenty +hours, and behold now the Baron von Blitzenberg, +the diplomatist and premier baron of +Bavaria, engaged in unhappy argument with +himself. Unhappy, because his reason, though so +carefully trained from the kindergarten upward, proved +unable to combat the dismal onsets of superstition. + +"Pooh! who cares for an old picture?" Reason +would reiterate. + +"It is an omen," said Superstition simply; and Reason +stood convicted as an empty braggart. + +But if Time be the great healer, Dinner is at least a +clever quack, and when he and old Mr. Rentoul had +consumed well-nigh a bottle and a half of their host's +port between them, the outlook became much less +gloomy. A particularly hilarious evening in the drawing- +room completed the triumph of mind over what he +was now able to term "jost nonsense," and he slept +that night as soundly as the Count was simultaneously +slumbering in Sir Justin's bed-room. And there was +no unpleasant awakening in the Baron's case. On the +contrary, all nature seemed in a conspiracy to make +the last day of his adventure pleasant. The sun shone +brightly, his razors had an excellent edge, sausages +were served for breakfast, and when he joined the +family afterwards he found them as affectionately +kind as a circle of relations. In fact, the Baron had +dropped more than one hint the night before of such a +nature that they had some reason for supposing +relationship imminent. It is true Eva was a little +disappointed that the actual words were not yet said, and +when he made an airy reference to paying a farewell +call that morning upon their neighbors at Lincoln +Lodge, she exhibited so much disapproval in her air +that he said at once-- + +"Ach, vell, I shall jost go after lonch and be back +in an hour and a half. I jost vish to say good-bye, +zat is all." + +Little guessing how much was to hang upon this +postponement, he drove over after luncheon with a +mind entirely reassured. With only an afternoon to +be safely passed, no mishap, he was sure, could possibly +happen now. If indeed the Maddisons chose to be +offended with him, why, then, his call would merely be +the briefer and he would recommend Eva for the post +of Lady Tulliwuddle without qualification. It was his +critics who had reason to fear, not he. + +Miss Maddison was at home, the staff of footmen +assured him, and, holding his head as high as a chieftain +should, he strode into her sanctuary. + +"Do I disturb you?" + +He asked this with a quicker beating heart. Not +Eleanor alone, but her father and Ri confronted him, +and it was very plain to see that a tempest was in the +brewing. Her eyes were bright with tears and +indignation; their brows heavy with formidable frowns. +At the first moment of his entering, extreme astonishment +at seeing him was clearly their dominant emotion, +and as evidently it rapidly developed into a sentiment +even less hospitable. + +"Why, this beats the devil!" ejaculated Mr. Maddison; +and for a moment this was the sole response to +his inquiry. + +The next to speak was Ri-- + +"Show it him, Poppa! Confront him with the +evidence!" + +With ominous deliberation the millionaire picked up +a newspaper from the floor, where apparently it had +been crumpled and flung, smoothed out the creases, and +approached the Baron till their noses were in danger +of collision. While executing this manoeuvre the silence +was only broken by the suppressed sobbing of his +daughter. Then at last he spoke. + +"Our mails, sir, have just arrived. This, sir, is +'The Times' newspaper, published in the city of London +yesterday morning." + +He shook it in the Baron's face with a sudden +vehemence that caused that nobleman to execute an +abrupt movement backward. + +"Take it," continued the millionaire--"take it, sir, +and explain this if you can!" + +So confused had the Baron's mind become already +that it was with difficulty he could decipher the following +petrifying announcement-- + +"Tulliwuddle--Herringay.--In London, privately, +Lord Tulliwuddle to Constance, daughter of Robert +Herringay." + +The Baron's brain reeled. + +"Here is another paragraph that may interest you," +pursued Mr. Maddison, turning the paper outside in +with an alarmingly vigorous movement, and presenting +a short paragraph for the Baron's inspection. This +ran-- + + "PEER AND ACTRESS. + + +"As announced in our marriage column, the wedding +took place yesterday, privately, of Lord Tulliwuddle, +kinsman and heir of the late peer of that name, so well +known in London and Scottish society, and Miss Constance +Herringay, better known as 'Connie Fitz Aubyn,' +of the Gaiety Theatre. It is understood that the +young couple have departed for the Mediterranean." + +In a few seconds given him to prepare his mind, the +Baron desperately endeavored to imagine what the +resourceful Bunker would say or do under these awful +circumstances. + +"Well, sir?" said Mr. Maddison. + +"It is a lie!" + +"A lie?" + +Ri laughed scornfully. + +"Mean to say no such marriage took place?" + +"It vas not me." + +"Who was it, then?" + +"Anozzer man, perhaps." + +"Another Lord Tulliwuddle?" inquired the millionaire. + +"Zey have made a mistake mit ze name. Yes, zat is +how." + +"Can it be possible?" cried Eleanor eagerly, her +grief for the moment forgotten. + +"No," said her father; "it is not possible. The +announcement is confirmed by the paragraph. A mistake +is inconceivable." + +The Baron thought he perceived a brilliant idea. + +"Ach, it is ze ozzer Tollvoddle!" he exclaimed. +"So! zat is it, of course." + +"You mean to say there is another peerage of Tulliwuddle?" + +"Oh, yes." + +"Fetch Debrett, Ri!" + +But Ri had already not only fetched Debrett, but +found the place. + +"A darned lie. Thought so," he observed succinctly. + +The luckless diplomatist was now committed to perdition. + +"It is not in ze books," he exclaimed. "It is bot a +baronetcy." + +"A baronetcy!" + +"And illegitimate also." + +"Sir," burst forth Ri, "you are a thundering liar! +Is this your marriage notice?" + +The Baron changed his tactics. + +"Yes!" he declared. + +Eleanor screamed. + +"Don't fuss, Eleanor," said her father kindly. +"That ain't true, anyhow. Why, the day before yesterday +he was throwing that darned hammer." + +"Which came down last night in our yard with the +head burst!" added Ri contemptuously. "Found you +out there too!" + +"Is that so!" exclaimed his father. + +"That is so, sir!" + +The three looked at him, and it was hard to say +whether indignation or contempt was more prominent +in their faces. This was more than he could endure. + +"I vill not be so looked at!" he cried; "I vill leave +you!" + +"No you won't!" said Ri. + +And the Baron saw his retreat cut of by the athletic +and determined young man. + +"Before you leave, we have one or two questions to +ask you," said Mr. Maddison. "Are you Lord Tulliwuddle, +or are you not?" + +"Yes!--No!" replied the Baron. + +"Which, sir?" + +Expanding his chest, he made the awe-inspiring +announcement-- + +"I am moch greater zan Tollyvoddle! I am ze +Baron Rudolph von Blitzenberg!" + +"Another darned lie!" commented Ri. + +Mr. Maddison laughed sardonically; while Eleanor, +with flashing eyes, now joined in the attack upon the +hapless nobleman. + +"You wretched creature! Isn't it enough to have +shammed to be one peer without shamming to be another?" + +"Bot I am! Ja, I swear to you! Can you not see +zat I am noble?" + +"Curiously enough we can't," replied Mr. Maddison. + +But his daughter's scepticism was a little shaken by +the fervor of his assurances. + +"But, Poppa, perhaps he may be a German peer." + +"German waiter, more likely!" sneered Ri. "What +shall we do with him? Tar and feathers, I guess, would +just about suit his complaint." + +"No, Ri, no," said his father cautiously. "Remember +we are no longer beneath the banner of freedom. +In this benighted country it might lead into trouble. +Guess we can find him accommodation, though, in that +bit of genuine antique above the harness-room. It's +fitted with a very substantial lock. We'll make Dugald +M'Culloch responsible for this BARON till the police +take him over." + +Vain were the Baron's protests; and upon the +appearance of Dugald M'Culloch, fisherman and facto- +tum to the millionaire, accompanied by three burly +satellites, vain, he perceived, would be the most +desperate resistance. He plead the privileges of a foreign +diplomatist, threatened a descent of the German army +upon Lincoln Lodge, guaranteed an intimate acquaintance +with the American ambassador--"Who vill make +you sorry for zis!" but all without moving Mr. +Maddison's resolution. Even Eleanor whispered a word for +him and was repulsed, for he overheard her father +replying to her-- + +"No, no, Eleanor; no more a diplomatist than you +would have been Lady Tulliwuddle. Guess I know +what I'm doing." + +Whereupon the late Lord Tulliwuddle, kilt and all, +was conveyed by a guard of six tall men and deposited +in the bit of genuine antique above the harness-room. +This proved to be a small chamber in a thick-walled +wing of the original house, now part of the back premises; +and there, with his face buried in his hands, the +poor prisoner moaned aloud-- + +"Oh, my life, she is geblasted! I am undone! Oh, +I am lost!" + +"Will it be so bad as that, indeed?" + +He looked up with a start, and perceived Dugald, +his jailor, gazing upon him with an expression of +indescribable sagacity. + +"The master will be sending me with his car to tell +the folks at Hechnahoul," added Dugald. + +Still the Baron failed to comprehend the exchange +of favors suggested by his jailor's sympathetic +voice. + +"Go, zen!" he muttered, and bent his head. + +"You will not be wishing to send no messages to +your friends?" + +At last the prisoner understood. For a sovereign +Dugald promised to convey a note to the Count; for +five he undertook to bribe the chauffeur to convey him +to The Lash, when he learned where that gentleman +was to be found. And he further decided to be faithful +to his trust, since, as he prudently reflected-- + +"If he will be a real chentleman after all it shall not +be well to be hard with him. And if he will not be, +nobody shall know." + +The Baron felt a trifle less hopeless now, yet so black +did the prospect remain that he firmly believed he +should never be able to raise his head again and meet +the gaze of his fellow-men; not at least if he stayed in +that room till the police arrived. + + + +CHAPTER XXXIV + +Not even the news of Flodden brought direr +dismay to Hechnahoul than Mr. Maddison's +brief note. Lord Tulliwuddle an impostor? +That magnificent young man a fraud? So +much geniality, brawn, and taste for the bagpipes +merely the sheep's clothing that hid a wandering wolf? +Incredible! Yet, on second thoughts, how very much +more thrilling than if he had really been an ordinary +peer! And what a judgment on the presumption of +Mr. and Mrs. Gallosh! Hard luck on Eva, of course +--but, then, girls who aspire to marry out of their +own station must expect this kind of thing. + +The latter part of this commentary was naturally +not that of the pretender's host and hostess. In the +throes of their anger and chagrin their one consoling +reflection was that no friends less tried than Mr. and +Mrs. Rentoul happened to be there to witness their +confusion. Yet other sufferers since Job have found +that the oldest friends do not necessarily of er the most +acceptable consolation. + +"Oh, oh! I feel like to die of grief!" wailed poor +Mrs. Gallosh. + +"Aye; it's an awful smack in the eye for you," said +Mr. Rentoul sagely. + +"Smack in the eye!" thundered his host. "It's a +criminal offence--that's what it is! It's a damned +swindle! It's a----" + +"Oh, hush, hush!" interrupted Mrs. Rentoul in a +shocked voice. "What words for a lady to hear! +After all, you must remember you never made any +inquiries." + +"Inquiries! What for should I be making inquiries +about my guests? YOU never dropped a word of such +a thing! Who'd have listened if I had? It was just +Lord Tulliwuddle this and Lord Tulliwuddle that from +morning to night since ever he came to the Castle." + +"Duncan's so simple-minded," groaned Mrs. Gallosh. + +"And what were you, I'd like to know? What were +you?" retorted her justly incensed spouse. "Never +a word did I hear, but just that he was such an aristocratic +young man, and any one could see he had blue +blood in his veins, and stuff of that kind!" + +"I more than once had my own doubts about that," +said the alcohol expert with a knowing wink. "There +was something about him---- Ah, well, he was not +exactly my own idea of a lord." + +"YOUR idea?" scoffed his oldest and best of friends. +"What do YOU know of lords, I'd like to know?" + +"Well, well," answered the sage peaceably, "maybe +we've neither of us had much opportunity of judging +of the nobility. It's just more bad luck than anything +else that you should have gone to the expense of setting +up in style in a lord's castle and then having +this downcome. If I'd had similar ambeetions it might +have been me." + +This soft answer was so far from turning away +wrath, that Mrs. Rentoul again felt compelled to stem +the tide of her host's eloquence. + +"Oh, hush!" she exclaimed; "I'd have fancied you'd +be having no thoughts beyond your daughter's affliction." + +"My Eva! my poor Eva! Where is the suffering +child?" cried Mrs. Gallosh. "Duncan, what'll she be +doing?" + +"Making a to-do like the rest of the women-folk," +replied her husband, with rather less sympathy than +the occasion seemed to demand. + +In point of fact Eva had disappeared from the +company immediately after hearing the contents of Mr. +Maddison's letter, and whatever she had been doing, +it had not been weeping alone, for at that moment she +ran into the room, her face agitated, but rather, it +seemed, with excitement than grief. + +"Papa, lend me five pounds," she panted. + +"Lend you--five pounds! And what for, I'd like +to know?" + +"Don't ask me now. I--I promise to tell you later +--some time later." + +"I'll see myself----! I mean, you're talking nonsense." + +Eva's lip trembled. + +"Hi, hist! Eva, my dear," said Mr. Rentoul; "if +you're wanting the money badly, and your papa doesn't +see his way----" + +He concluded his sentence with a wink and a dive +into his trousers-pocket, and a minute later Eva had +fled from the room again. + +This action of the sage, being at total variance to +his ordinary habits (which indeed erred on the economical +side), was attributed by his irate host--with a +certain show of reason--to the mere intention of annoying +him; and the conversation took a more acrimonious +turn than ever. In fact, when Eva returned +a few minutes later she was just in time to hear her +father thunder in an infuriated voice-- + +"A German waiter, is he? Aye, that's verra probable, +verra probable indeed. In fact I might have +known it when I saw you and him swilling a bottle and +a half of my best port together! Birds of a feather +--aye, aye, exactly!" + +The crushing retort which the sage evidently had +ready to heap upon the fire of this controversy was +anticipated by Miss Gallosh. + +"He isn't a German waiter, papa! He is a German +BARON--and an ambassador, too!" + +The four started and stared at her. + +"Where did you learn that?" demanded her father. + +"I've been talking to the man who brought the +letter, and he says that Lord Tulli--I mean the Baron +--declares positively that he is a German nobleman!" + +"Tuts, fiddlesticks!" scoffed her father. + +"Verra like a whale," pronounced the sage. + +"I wouldn't believe what HE said," declared Mrs. +Gallosh. + +"One can SEE he isn't," said Mrs. Rentoul. + +"The kind of Baron that plays in a German band, +perhaps," added her husband, with a whole series of +winks to give point to this mot. + +"He's just a scoundrelly adventurer!" shouted Mr. +Gallosh. + +"I hope he'll get penal servitude, that's what I +hope," said his wife with a sob. + +"And, judging from his appearance, that'll be no +new experience for him," commented the sage. + +So remarkably had their judgment of the late Lord +Tulliwuddle waxed in discrimination. And, strange to +say, his only defender was the lady he had injured +most. + +"I still believe him a gentleman!" she cried, and +swept tearfully from the room. + + + +CHAPTER XXXV + +While his late worshippers were trampling +his memory in the mire, the Baron von +Blitzenberg, deserted and dejected, his +face still buried in his hands, endured +the slow passage of the doleful afternoon. Unlike the +prisoner at The Lash, who, by a coincidence that happily +illustrates the dispensations of Providence, was +undergoing at the same moment an identical ordeal, +the Baron had no optimistic, whimsical philosophy to +fall back upon. Instead, he had a most tender sense +of personal dignity that had been egregiously outraged-- +and also a wife. Indeed, the thought of Alicia +and of Alicia's parent was alone enough to keep his +head bowed down. + +"Ach, zey most not know," he muttered. "I shall +give moch money--hondreds of pound--not to let zem +find out. Oh, what for fool have I been!" + +So deeply was he plunged in these sorrowful meditations, +and so constantly were they concerned with the +two ladies whose feelings he wished to spare, that when +a hum of voices reached his ear, one of them strangely +--even ominously--familiar, he only thought at first +that his imagination had grown morbidly vivid. To +dispel the unpleasant fancies suggested by this imagined +voice, he raised his head, and then the next +instant bounded from his chair. + +"Mein Gott!" he muttered, "it is she." + +Too thunderstruck to move, he saw his prison door +open, and there, behold! stood the Countess of Grillyer, +a terrible look upon her high-born features, a Darius +at either shoulder. In silence they surveyed one another, +and it was Mr. Maddison who spoke first. + +"Guess this is a friend of yours," he observed. + +One thought and one only filled the prisoner's mind +--she must leave him, and immediately. + +"No, no; I do not know her!" he cried. + +"You do not know me?" repeated the Countess in +a voice rich in promise. + +"Certainly I do not." + +"She knows you all right," said the millionaire. + +"Says she does," put in Ri in a lower voice; "but +I wouldn't lay much money on her word either." + +"Rudolph! You pretend you do not know me?" +cried the Countess between wrath and bewilderment. + +"I never did ever see sochlike a voman before," +reiterated the Baron. + +"What do you say to that, ma'am?" inquired Mr. +Maddison. + +"I say--I blush to say--that this wretched young +man is my son-in-law," declared the Countess. + +As she had come to the house inquiring merely for +Lord Tulliwuddle, and been conducted straight to the +prisoner's cell, the stupefying effect of this announcement +may readily be conceived. + +"What!" ejaculated the Dariuses. + +"It is not true! She is mad! Take her avay, +please!" shouted the Baron, now desperate in his +resolution to say or do anything, so long as he got rid of +his formidable relative. + +The Countess staggered back. + +"Is he demented?" she inquired. + +"Say, ma'am," put in Ri, "are you the mother of +Miss Constance Herringay?" + +"Of----? I am Lady Grillyer!" + +"See here, my good lady, that's going a little +too far," said the millionaire not unkindly. "This +friend of yours here first calls himself Lord +Tulliwuddle, and then the Baron von something or other. +Well, now, that's two of the aristocracy in this under- +sized apartment already. There's hardly room for +a third--see? Can't you be plain Mrs. Smith for a +change?" + +The Countess tottered. + +"Fellow!" she said in a faint voice, "I--I do not +understand you." + +"Thought that would fetch her down," commented +Ri. + +"Lead her back to ze train and make her go to +London!" pleaded the Baron earnestly. + +"You stick to it, you don't know her?" asked Mr. +Maddison shrewdly. + +"No, no, I do not!" + +"Is her name Lady Grillyer?" + +"Not more zan it is mine!" + +"Rudolph!" gasped the Countess inarticulately. +"He is--he WAS my son!" + +"Stoff and nonsense!" roared the Baron. "Remove +her!--I am tired." + +"Well," said Mr. Maddison, "I guess I don't much +believe either of you; but whether you know each other +or not, you make such a remarkably fine couple that +I reckon you'd better get acquainted now. Come, Ri." + +And before either Countess or Baron could interpose, +their captors had slipped out, the key was turned, +and they were left to the dual enjoyment of the antique +apartment. + +"Teufel!" shouted the Baron, kicking the door +frantically. "Open him, open him! I vill pay you a +hondred pound! Goddam! Open!" + +But only the gasps of the Countess answered him. + +It is generally conceded that if you want to see the +full depths of brutality latent in man, you must +thoroughly frighten him first. This condition the Countess +of Grillyer had exactly succeeded in fulfilling, with the +consequence that the Baron, hitherto the most complacent +and amiable of sons-in-law, seemed ambitious +of rivalling the Turk. When he perceived that no +answer to his appeals was forthcoming, dark despair +for a moment overcame him. Then the fiendishly +ingenious idea struck him--might not a woman's screams +accomplish what his own lungs were unable to effect? +Turning an inflamed and frowning countenance upon +the lady who had intrusted her daughter's happiness +to his hands, he addressed her in a deep hissing voice-- + +"Shcream, shcream, voman! Shcream loudly, or I +vill knock you!" + +But the Countess was made of stern stuff. Outraged +and frightened though she was, she yet retorted +huskily-- + +"I will not scream, Rudolph! I--I demand an +explanation first!" + +Executing a step of the sword-dance within a yard +of her, he reiterated + +"Shcream so zat zey may come back!" + +She blinked, but held her ground. + +"I insist upon knowing what you mean, Rudolph! +I insist upon your telling me! What are you doing +here in that preposterous kilt?" + +The Baron's wits brightened with the acuteness of +the emergency. + +"Ha!" he cried, "I vill take my kilt off--take him +off before your eyes this instant if you do not +shcream!" + +But she merely closed her eyes. + +"If you dare! If you dare, Rudolph, I shall inform +your Emperor! And I will not look! I cannot see +you!" + +Whether in deference to imperial prejudices, or +because a kiltless man would be thrown away upon a lady +who refused to look at him, the Baron regretfully +desisted from this project. At his wits' end, he besought +her-- + +"Make zem take you avay, so zat you vill be safe +from my rage! I do not trost myself mit you. I am +so violent as a bull! Better zat you should go; far +better--do you not see?" + +"No, Rudolph, no!" replied the adamant lady. "I +have come to guard you against your own abandoned +nature, and I shall only leave this room when you do!" + +She sat down and faced him, palpitating, but immovable; +and against such obstinacy the unhappy Rudolph +gave up the contest in despair. + +"But I shall not talk mit her; oh, Himmel, nein!" +he said to himself; and in pursuance of this policy sat +with his back turned to her while the shadows of evening +gradually filled the room. In vain did she address +him: he neither answered nor moved. Indeed, to +discourage her still further, he even summoned up a +forced gaiety of demeanor, and in a low rumble of +discords sang to himself the least respectable songs he +knew. + +"His mind is certainly deranged," thought the +Countess. "I must not let him out of my sight. Ah, +poor Alicia!" + +But in time, when the dusk was thickening so fast +that her son-in-law's broad back had already grown +indistinct of outline, and no voice or footstep had come +near their prison, her thoughts began to wander from +his case to her own. The outrageous conduct of those +Americans in discrediting her word and incarcerating +her person, though overshadowed at the time by the +yet greater atrocity of the Baron's behavior, now +loomed up in formidable proportions. And the gravity +of their offence was emphasized by an unpleasant +sensation she now began to experience with considerable +acuteness. + +"Do they mean to starve us as well as insult us?" +she wondered. + +The Baron's thoughts also seemed to have drifted +into a different channel. He no longer sang; he +fidgeted in his chair; he even softly groaned; and at +last he actually changed his attitude so far as to survey +the dim form of his mother-in-law over one +shoulder. + +"Oh, ze devil!" he exclaimed aloud. "I am so +hongry!" + +"That is no reason why you should also be profane," +said the Countess severely. + +"I did not speak to you," retorted the Baron, and +again a constrained silence fell on the room. + +The Baron was the first to break it. + +"Ha!" he cried. "I hear a step." + +"Thank God!" exclaimed the Countess devoutly. + +In the blaze of a stable lantern there entered to them +Dugald M'Culloch, jailor. + +"Will you be for any supper?" he inquired, with a +politeness he felt due to prisoners with purses. + +"I do starve!" replied the Baron. + +"And I am nearly fainting!" cried the Countess. + +Both rose with an alacrity astonishing in people so +nearly exhausted, and made as though they would pass +out. With a deprecatory gesture Dugald arrested +them. + +"I will bring your supper fery soon," said he. + +"Here?" gasped the Countess. + +"It is the master's orders." + +"Tell him I vill have him ponished mit ze law, if he +does not let me come out!" roared the Baron. + +Their jailor was courtesy itself; but it was in their +prison that they supped--a silent meal, and very plain. +And, bitterest pill of all, they were further informed +that in their prison they must pass the night. + +"In ze same room!" cried the Baron frantically. +"Impossible! Improper!" + +Even his mother-in-law's solicitude shrank from this +vigil; but with unruffled consideration for their comfort +their guardian and his assistants made up two +beds forthwith. The Baron, subdued to a fierce and +snarling moodiness, watched their preparations with a +lurid eye. + +"Put not zat bed so near ze door," he snapped. + +In his ear his jailor whispered, "That one's for you, +sir, and dinna put off your clothes!" + +The Baron started, and from that moment his air +of resignation began to affront the Countess as deeply +as his previous violence. When they were again alone, +stretched in black darkness each upon their couch, she +lifted up her voice in a last word of protest-- + +"Rudolph! have you no single feeling for me left? +Why didn't you stab that man?" + +But the Baron merely retorted with a lifelike +affectation of snoring. + + + +CHAPTER XXXVI + +For a long time the Baron lay wide awake, +every sense alert, listening for the creak of +a footstep on the wooden stair that led up +from the harness-room to his prison. What +else could the strange words of Dugald have meant, +save that some friend proposed to climb those stairs +and gently open that stubborn door? And in this +opinion he had been confirmed when he observed that on +Dugald's departure the key turned with a silence +suggesting a recently oiled lock. His bed lay along the +wall, with the head so close to the door that any one +opening it and stretching forth a hand could tweak +him by the nose without an effort (supposing that +were the object of their visit). Clearly, he thought, +it was not thus arranged without some very special +purpose. Yet when hour after hour passed and nothing +happened, he began to sleep fitfully, and at last, +worn out with fruitless waiting, dropped into a +profound slumber. + +He was in the midst of a harassing dream or drama, +wherein Bunker and Eva played an incoherent part +and he himself passed wearily from peril to peril, when +the stage suddenly was cleared, his eyes started open, +and he became wakefully conscious of a little ray of +light that fell upon his face. Before he could raise +his head a soft voice whispered urgently, + +"Don't move!" + +With admirable self-control he obeyed implicitly. + +"Who is zere?" he whispered back. + +The voice seemed for a moment to hesitate, and then +answered-- + +"Eleanor Maddison!" + +He started so audibly that again she breathed peremptorily-- + +"Hush! Lie still till I come back. You--you +don't deserve it, but I want to save you from the disgrace +of arrest." + +"Ach, zank you--mine better angel!" he murmured, +with a fervor that seemed not unpleasing to his rescuer. + +"You really are a nobleman in trouble?" + +"I swear I am!" + +"And didn't mean anything really wrong?" + +"Never--oh, never!" + +More kindly than before she murmured-- + +"Well, I guess I'll take you out, then. I've bribed +Dugald, so that's all right. When my car's ready +I'll send him up for you. You just lie still till he +comes." + +From which it appears that Count Bunker's appreciation +of the sex fell short of their meed. + +Hardly daring to breathe for fear of awakening +his fellow-prisoner, trembling with agitation, and +consumed by a mad impatience for action, the Baron +passed five of the longest minutes he had ever endured. +At the end of that time he heard a stealthy step upon +the stairs, and with infinite precautions threw off his +bedclothes and sat upright, ready for instant departure. +But how slowly and with what a superfluity of +precaution his jailor moved! When the door at length +opened he wondered that no ray of light fell this +time. + +"Dugald!" he whispered eagerly. + +"Hush!" replied a softer voice than Dugald's; as +soft, indeed, as Eleanor's, yet clearly different. + +"Who is zat?" he gasped. + +"Eva Gallosh!" said the silken voice. "Oh, is that +you?" + +"Yes--yes--it is me." + +"And are you really a Baron and an ambassador?" + +"Oh yes--yes--certainly I am." + +"Then--then I've come to help you to escape! I've +bribed Dugald--and I've got a dog-cart here. Come +quickly--but oh, be very quiet!" + +For a moment the Baron actually hesitated to flee +from that loathed apartment. It seemed to him that +if Fortune desired to provide him with opportunities +of escape she might have had the sense to offer these +one at a time. For how could he tell which of these +overtures to close with? A wrong decision might be +fatal; yet time unquestionably pressed. + +"Mein Gott!" he muttered irresolutely, "vich shall +I do?" + +At that moment the other bed creaked, and, to his +infinite horror, he heard a suspicious voice demand-- + +"Is that you talking, Rudolph?" + +Poor Eva, who was quite unaware of the presence +of another prisoner, uttered a stifled shriek; with a cry +of "Fly, quickly!" the Baron leaped from his bed, +and headlong down the wooden stairs they clattered +for freedom. + +A dim vision of the thrice-bribed Dugald, screeching, +"The car's ready for ye, sir!" but increased their +speed. + +Outside, a motor car stood panting by the door, and +in the youthful driver, turning a pale face toward +them in the lamp's radiance, the Baron had just time +to recognize his first fair deliverer. + +"Good-bye!" he whispered to his second, and flung +himself in. + +Some one followed him; the door was slammed, and +with a mighty throbbing they began to move. + +"Rudolph! Rudolph!" wailed a voice behind them. + +"Zank ze goodness SHE is not here!" exclaimed the +Baron. + +"Whisht! whisht!" he could hear Dugald expostulate. + +With a violent start he turned to the fellow-passenger +who had followed him in. + +"Are you not Dugald?" he demanded hoarsely. + +"No--it's--it's me! I dursn't wait for my dog- +cart!" + +"Eva!" he murmured. "Oh, Himmel! Vat shall +I do?" + +Only a screen of glass separated his two rescuers, +and the one had but to turn her head and look inside, +or the other to study with any attention the roll of +hair beneath their driver's cap, in order to lead to most +embarrassing consequences. Not that it was his fault +he should receive such universal sympathy: but would +these charming ladies admit his innocence? + +"How thoughtful of Dugald to have this car----" +began Eva. + +"Hush!" he muttered hoarsely. "Yes, it was +thoughtful, but you most not speak too loudly." + +"For fear----?" she smiled, and turned her eyes +instinctively toward their driver. + +"Excuse me," he muttered, sweeping her as gently +as possible from her seat and placing her upon the +floor. + +"It vill not do for zem to see you," he explained in +a whisper. + +"How awful a position," he reflected. "Oh, I hope +it may still be dark ven we get to ze station." + +But with rising concern he presently perceived that +the telegraph posts along the roadside were certainly +grown plainer already; he could even see the two thin +wires against a paling sky; the road behind was visible +for half a mile; the hill-tops might no longer be +confounded with the clouds-day indubitably was breaking. +Also he recollected that to go from Lincoln +Lodge to Torrydhulish Station one had to make a vast +detour round half the loch; and, further, began to +suspect that though Miss Maddison's driving was beyond +reproach her knowledge of topography was +scarcely so dependable. In point of fact she increased +the distance by at least a third, and all the while day +was breaking more fatally clear. + +To discourage Miss Gallosh's efforts at conversation, +yet keep her sitting contentedly upon the floor; +to appear asleep whenever Miss Maddison turned her +head and threw a glance inside, and to devise some +adequate explanation against the inevitable discovery +at the end of their drive, provided him with employment +worthy of a diplomatist's steel. But now, at last, +they were within sight of railway signals and a long +embankment; and over a pine wood a stream of smoke +moved with a swelling roar. Then into plain view +broke the engine and carriage after carriage racing +behind. Regardless of risk, he leaped from his seat +and flung up the window, crying-- + +"Ach, look! Ve shall be late!" + +"That train is going north," said Eleanor. "Guess +we've half an hour good before yours comes in." + +So little can mortals read the stars that he heaved +a sigh of relief, and even murmured-- + +"Ve have timed him very luckily!" + +Ten minutes later they descended the hill to Torrydhulish +Station. The north-going train had paid its +brief call and vanished nearly from sight again; no +one seemed to be moving about the station, and the +Baron told himself that nothing worse remained than +the exercise of a little tact in parting with his deliverers. + +"Ach! I shall carry it off gaily," he thought, and leaping +lightly to the ground, exclaimed with a genial +air, as he gave his hand to Eva. + +"Vell! Now have I a leetle surprise for you, +ladies!" + +Nor did he at all exaggerate their sensation. + +"Miss Maddison!" + +Alas, that it should be so far beyond the power of +mere inky words to express all that was implied in +Eva's accents! + +"Miss Gallosh!" + +Nor is it less impossible to supply the significance +of Eleanor's intonation. + +"Ladies, ladies!" he implored, "do not, I pray you, +misunderstand! I vas not responsible--I could not +help it. You both VOULD come mit me! No, no, do +not look so at me! I mean not zat--I mean I could not +do vizout both of you. Ach, Himmel! Vat do I say? +I should say zat--zat----" + +He broke off with a start of apprehension. + +"Look! Zere comes a man mit a bicycle! Zis is +too public! Come mit me into ze station and I shall +eggsplain! He waves his fist! Come! you vould not +be seen here?" + +He offered one arm to Eva, the other to Eleanor; +and so alarming were the gesticulations of the +approaching cyclist, and so beseeching the Baron's tones, +that without more ado they clung to him and hurried +on to the platform. + +"Come to ze vaiting-room!" he whispered. "Zere +shall ve be safe!" + +Alack for the luck of the Baron von Blitzenberg! +Out of the very door they were approaching stepped +a solitary lady, sole passenger from the south train, +and at the sight of those three, linked arm in arm, she +staggered back and uttered a cry more piercing than +the engine's distant whistle. + +"Rudolph!" cried this lady. + +"Alicia!" gasped the Baron. + +His rescuers said nothing, but clung to him the more +tightly, while in the Baroness's startled eyes a harder +light began to blaze. + +"Who are these, Rudolph?" + +He cleared his throat, but the process seemed to take +some time, and in the meanwhile he felt the grip of his +deliverers relax. + +"Who is that lady?" demanded Eleanor. + +"His wife," replied the Baroness. + +The Baron felt his arms freed now; but still his +Alicia waited an answer. It came at last, but not from +the Baron's lips. + +"Well, here you all are!" said a cheerful voice +behind them. + + + +CHAPTER XXXVII + +They turned as though they expected to see +an apparition. Nor was the appearance of +the speaker calculated to disappoint such +expectations. Their startled eyes beheld +indeed the most remarkable figure that had ever wheeled +a bicycle down the platform of Torrydhulish Station. +Hatless, in evening clothes with blue lapels upon the +coat, splashed liberally with mud, his feet equipped +only with embroidered socks and saturated pumps, his +shirt-front bestarred with souvenirs of all the soils for +thirty miles, Count Bunker made a picture that lived +long in their memories. Yet no foolish consciousness +of his plight disturbed him as he addressed the Baron. + +"Thank you, Baron, for escorting my fair friends +so far. I shall now take them off your hands." + +He smiled with pleasant familiarity upon the two +astonished girls, and then started as though for the +first time he recognized the Baroness. + +"Baroness!" he cried, bowing profoundly, "this is +a very unexpected pleasure! You came by the early +train, I presume? A tiresome journey, isn't it?" + +But bewilderment and suspicion were all that he +could read in reply. + +"What--what are YOU doing here?" + +He was not in the least disconcerted. + +"Meeting my cousins" (he indicated the Misses +Gallosh and Maddison with an amiable glance), "whom +the Baron has been kind enough to look after till my +arrival." + +Audaciously approaching more closely, he added, in +a voice intended for her ear and the Baron's alone-- + +"I must throw myself, I see, upon your mercy, and +ask you not to tell any tales out of school. Cousins, +you know, don't always want their meetings advertised-- +do they, Baron?" + +Alicia's eyes softened a little. + +"Then, they are really your----" + +"Call 'em cousins, please! I have your pledge that +you won't tell? Ah, Baron, your charming wife and +I understand one another." + +Then raising his voice for the benefit of the company +generally-- + +"Well, you two will want to have a little talk in the +waiting-room, I've no doubt. We shall pace the platform. +Very fit Rudolph's looking, isn't he, Baroness? +You've no idea how his lungs have strengthened." + +"His lungs!" exclaimed the Baroness in a changed +voice. + +Giving the Baron a wink to indicate that there lay +the ace of trumps, he answered reassuringly-- + +"When you learn how he has improved you'll forgive +me, I'm sure, for taking him on this little trip. +Well, see you somewhere down the line, no doubt--I'm +going by the same train." + +He watched them pass into the waiting-room, and +then turned an altered face to the two dumbfounded +girls. It was expressive now solely of sympathy and +contrition. + +"Let us walk a little this way," he began, and thus +having removed them safely from earshot of the waiting- +room door, he addressed himself to the severest +part of his task. + +"My dear girls, I owe you I don't know how many +apologies for presuming to claim you as my friends. +The acuteness of the emergency is my only excuse, and +I throw myself most contritely upon your mercy!" + +This second projection of himself upon a lady's +mercy proved as successful as the first. + +"Well," said Eleanor slowly, "I guess maybe we +can forgive you for that; but what I want to know +is--what's happened?--who's who?--and where just +exactly are we?" + +"That's just what I want to know too," added Eva +sadly. + +Indeed, they both had a hint of tears in their eyes, +and in their voices. + +"What has happened," replied the Count, "is that a +couple of thoughtless masqueraders came up here to +play a little joke, and succeeded in getting themselves +into a scrape. For your share in getting us out of it +we cannot feel too grateful." + +"But, who is----?" the girls began together, and +then stopped, with a rise of color and a suspicion of +displeasure in their interchange of eyes. + +"Who is who? Well, my friend is the Baron von +Blitzenberg; and the lady is, as she stated, his wife." + +"Then all this time----" began Eva. + +"He was married!" Eleanor finished for her. "Oh, +the heartless scoundrel! To think that I rescued him!" + +"I wouldn't have either!" said Eva; "I mean if-- +if I had known he treated you so badly." + +"Treated ME! I was only thinking of YOU, Miss +Gallosh!" + +"Dear ladies!" interposed the Count with his ready +tact, "remember his excuse." + +"His excuse?" + +"The beauty, the charm, the wit of the lady who +took by storm a heart not easily captured! He himself, +poor fellow, thought it love-proof; but he had not +then met HER. Think mercifully of him!" + +He was so careful to give no indication which of the +rival belles was "her," that each was able to take to +herself a certain mournful consolation. + +"That wasn't MUCH excuse," said Eleanor, yet with +a less vindictive air. + +"Certainly not VERY much," murmured Eva. + +"He ought to have thought of the pain he was giving +HER," added Eleanor. + +"Yes," said Eva. "Indeed he ought!" + +"Yes, that is true," allowed the Count; "but +remember his punishment! To be married already now +proves to be less his fault than his misfortune." + +By this time he had insidiously led them back to +their car. + +"And must you return at once?" he exclaimed. + +"We had better," said Eleanor, with a suspicion of +a sigh. "Miss Gallosh, I'll drive you home first." + +"You're too kind, Miss Maddison." + +"Oh, no!" + +The Count assisted them in, greatly pleased to see +this amicable spirit. Then shaking hands heartily with +each, he said-- + +"I can speak for my friend with conviction, because +my own regard for the lady in question is as deep +and as sincere as his. Believe me, I shall never forget +her!" + +He was rewarded with two of the kindest smiles ever +bestowed upon him, and as they drove away each secretly +wondered why she had previously preferred the +Baron to the Count. It seemed a singular folly. + +"Two deuced nice girls," mused he; "I do believe +I told 'em the truth in every particular!" + +He watched their car dwindle to a scurrying speck, +and then strolled back thoughtfully to purchase his +ticket. + +He found the signals down, and the far-off clatter +of the train distinctly audible through the early morning +air. A few minutes more and he was stepping into +a first-class compartment, his remarkable costume earning +(he could not but observe) the pronounced attention +of the guard. The Baron and Alicia, with an air +of mutual affection, entered another; both the doors +were closed, everything seemed ready, yet the train +lingered. + +"Start ze train! Start ze train! I vill give you a +pound--two pound--tree pound, to start him!" + +The Count leaped up and thrust his head through +the window. + +"What the dickens----!" thought he. + +Hanging out of the other window he beheld the +clamant Baron urging the guard with frenzied entreaty. + +"But they're wanting to go by the train, sir," said +the guard. + +"No, no. Zey do not! It is a mistake! Start +him!" + +Following their gaze he saw, racing toward them, +the cause of their delay. It was a motor car, yet not +the same that had so lately departed. In this were +seated a young man and an elderly lady, both waving +to hold back the train; and to his vast amazement he +recognized in the man Darius Maddison, junior, in the +lady the Countess of Grillyer. + +The car stopped, the occupants alighted, and the +Countess, supported on the strong arm of Ri, scuttled +down the platform. + +"Bonker, take her in mit you!" groaned the Baron, +and his head vanished from the Count's sight. + +Even this ordeal was not too much for Bunker's +fidelity. + +"Madam, there is room here!" he announced +politely, as they swept past; but with set faces they +panted toward the doomed von Blitzenberg. + +All of the tragedy that the Count, with strained +neck, could see or overhear, was a vision of the Countess +being pushed by the guard and her escort into that +first-class compartment whence so lately the Baron's +crimson visage had protruded, and the voice of Ri +stridently declaring-- + +"Guess you'll recognize your momma this time, +Baron!" + +A whistle from the guard, another from the engine, +and they were off, clattering southward in the first +of the morning sunshine. + +Inadequately attired, damp, hungry, and divorced +from tobacco as the Count was, he yet could say to himself +with the sincerest honesty + +"I wouldn't change carriages with the Baron von +Blitzenberg--not even for a pair of dry socks and a +cigar! Alas, poor Rudolph! May this teach all young +men a lesson in sobriety of conduct!" + +For which moral reflection the historian feels it +incumbent upon him, as a philosopher and serious +psychologist, to express his conscientious admiration. + + + +EPILOGUE + +IT was an evening in early August, luminous and +warm; the scene, a certain club now emptied of +all but a sprinkling of its members; the festival, +dinner; and the persons of the play, that gentleman +lately known as Count Bunker and his friend the +Baron von Blitzenberg. The Count was habited in +tweeds; the Baron in evening dress. + +"It vas good of you to come up to town jost to see +me," said the Baron. + +"I'd have crossed Europe, Baron!" + +The Baron smiled faintly. Evidently he was scarcely +in his most florid humor. + +"I vish I could have asked you to my club, Bonker." + +"Are you dissatisfied with mine?" + +"Oh, no, no! But---- vell, ze fact is, it vould be +reported by some one if I took you to ze Regents. +Bonker, she does have me watched!" + +"The Baroness?" + +"Her mozzer." + +"The deuce, Baron!" + +The diplomatist gloomily sipped his wine. + +"You did hush it all up, eh?" he inquired presently. + +"Completely." + +"Zank you. I vas so afraid of some scandal!" + +"So were they; that's where I had 'em." + +"Did zey write in moch anger?" + +"No--not very much; rather nice letters, in fact." + +The Baron began to cheer up. + +"Ach, so! Vas zere any news of--ze Galloshes?" + +"Yes, they seem very well. Old Rentoul has caught +a salmon. Gallosh hopes to get a fair bag----" + +"Bot did zey say nozing about--about Miss Eva?" + +"The letter was written by her, you see." + +"SHE wrote to YOU! Strange!" + +"Very odd, isn't it?" + +The Baron meditated for a minute and then inquired-- + +"Vat of ze Maddisons?" + +"Well, I gather that Mr. Maddison is erecting an +ibis house in connection with the aviary. Ri has gone +to Kamchatka, but hopes to be back by the 12th----" + +"And Eleanor--no vord of her?" + +"It was she who wrote, don't you know." + +"Eleanor--and also to you! Bot vy should she?" + +"Can't imagine; can you?" + +The Baron shook his head solemnly. "No, Bonker, +I cannot." + +For some moments he pondered over the remarkable +conduct of these ladies; and then-- + +"Did you also hear of ze Wallingfords?" he +asked. + +"I had a short note from them." + +"From him, or----" + +"Her." + +"So! Humph, zey all seem fond of writing letters." + +"Why--have you had any too?" + +"No; and I do not vant zem." + +Yet his immunity did not appear to exhilarate the +diplomatist. + +"Another bottle of the same," said Bunker aside to +the waiter. + + . . . . . . + + +It was an hour later; the scene and the personages +the same, but the atmosphere marvellously altered. + +"To ze ladies, Bonker!" + +"To HER, Baron!" + +"To zem both!" + +The genial heart, the magnanimous soul of Rudolph +von Blitzenberg had asserted their dominion again. +Depression, jealousy, repentance, qualms, and all other +shackles of the spirit whatsoever, had fled discomfited. +Now at last he saw his late exploits in their true heroic +proportions, and realized his marvellous good fortune +in satisfying his aspirations so gloriously. Raising +his glass once more, he cried-- + +"Dear Bonker, my heart he does go out to you! +Ach, you have given me soch a treat. Vunce more I +schmell ze mountain dew--I hear ze pipes--I gaze into +loffly eyes--I am ze noblest part of mineself! Bonker, +I vill defy ze mozzer of my wife! I drink to you, my +friend, mit hip--hip--hip--hooray!" + +"You have more than repaid me," replied the Count, +"by the spectacle you have provided. Dear Baron, +it was a panorama calculated to convert a continent!" + +"To vat should it convert him?" inquired the Baron +with interest. + +"To a creed even merrier than Socialism, more +convivial than Total Abstinence, and more perfectly +designed for human needs than Esperanto--the gospel +of 'Cheer up.' " + +"Sheerup?" repeated the Baron, whose acquaintance +with the English words used in commerce and war +was singularly intimate, but who was occasionally at +fault with terms of less portentous import. + +"A name given to the bridge that crosses the Slough +of Despond," explained the Count. + +The Baron still seemed puzzled. "I am not any +wiser," said he. + +"Never cease thanking Heaven for that!" cried +Bunker fervently. "The man who once dubs himself +wise is the jest of gods and the plague of mortals." + +With this handsome tribute to the character and +attainments of one of these heroes, and the Baronial +roar that congratulated the other, our chronicle may +fittingly leave them; since the mutual admiration of +two such catholic critics is surely more significant +than the colder approval of a mere historian. + + + + + +End of Project Gutenberg's Etext of Count Bunker by J. Storer Clouston + diff --git a/old/cbnkr10.zip b/old/cbnkr10.zip Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..77046db --- /dev/null +++ b/old/cbnkr10.zip |