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You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at <a href = "https://www.gutenberg.org">www.gutenberg.org</a></pre> +<p>Title: Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 152, June 27, 1917</p> +<p>Author: Various</p> +<p>Editor: Owen Seaman</p> +<p>Release Date: June 23, 2005 [eBook #16113]</p> +<p>Language: English</p> +<p>Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1</p> +<p>***START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI, VOL. 152, JUNE 27, 1917***</p> +<p> </p> +<h4>E-text prepared by Jonathan Ingram, Keith Edkins,<br /> + and the Project Gutenberg Online Distributed Proofreading Team<br /> + (https://www.pgdp.net)</h4> +<p> </p> +<hr class="full" /> + <h1>PUNCH,<br /> + OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.</h1> + + <h2>Vol. 152.</h2> + <hr class="full" /> + + <h2>June 27th, 1917.</h2> + <hr class="full" /> +<span class="pagenum"><a name="page409" id="page409"></a>[pg 409]</span> + +<h2>CHARIVARIA.</h2> + + <p>The favourite reading of the Sultan of <font class="sc">Turkey</font> + is said to be criminal literature. A gift-book in the shape of a new Life + of the <font class="sc">Kaiser</font> is about to be despatched to + him.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + +<font class="sc">King Alexander</font> of Greece originally +proclaimed that he would "carry +out his father's sacred mandate." But +when it was pointed out to +him that, if this was really his +desire, an opportunity of following +in his father's footsteps +would doubtless be granted +him, he tried again. + +<hr class="short" /> + + <p>During the last air raid we are told that the employees of one large + firm started singing "Dixie Land." We feel, however, that to combat the + enemy's aircraft much sterner measures must be adopted.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + + <p>"The Huns' diet is low," says a correspondent of <i>The Daily + Mail</i>. But then their tastes are low too.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + + <p>Writing of the recent Trentino offensive, Mr. <font + class="sc">Hamilton Fyfe</font> says that several Austrian forts captured + by the Italians were built of solid ice. It is time that London had some + defences of this character.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + + <p>The arrival of ex-<font class="sc">King Tino</font> at Lugubrioso, on + the Swiss-Italian frontier, has been duly noted.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + + <p>The <font class="sc">Lord Mayor</font> of London has decided in future + to warn the City of impending air raids. Ringing the dinner-bell at the + Mansion House, it is thought, is the best way of making City men take to + their covers.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + + <p>A new epidemic, of which "bodily swellings" are the first symptom, is + reported by the German papers. And just when the previous epidemic of + head-swellings was beginning to subside.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + + <p>A Marylebone boy, arrested for forgery, told the police that he had + made two complete £1 notes out of paper bags. Is this the paper-bag + cookery of which we have heard so much?</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + + <p>A market gardener told the Enfield Tribunal that a conscientious + objector whom he had employed was found asleep at his work on two + successive days. People with highly-strung consciences very rarely enjoy + this natural and easy slumber.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + + <p>The American scientist who claims to have invented a substitute for + tobacco cannot have followed the movement of the age. We have been able + to obtain twopenny cigars in this country for years.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + + <p>An applicant who said he had six children has been given six months' + exemption. A member of the Tribunal remarked that the exemption would + mean one month for each child. This great discovery proved too much for + the poor fellow, who is said to have collapsed immediately.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + + <p>A new ship is being fitted out for Captain <font + class="sc">Amundsen</font>, who is to proceed shortly with an Arctic + exploration party. In case he should discover any new land, arrangements + have been made to hold a flag-day for the inhabitants, if any.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + + <p>Judging by the latest reports the Stockholm Conference is like the gun + that they didn't know was loaded.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + + <p>Because his wife accused him of not loving her, a farmer of Husavik, + Manitoba, assaulted her with a pen-knife just to show that he did.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + + <p>Special "storm troops"—men picked for their youth, vigour and + daring, to carry out counter-attacks—are now a feature of the + German Armies. Even our ordinary British soldiers, who are constantly + compelled to take these brave fellows prisoners, bear witness to the + ferocity of their appearance.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + + <p>Taxes on watering-places, it is announced, will be a feature of the + new French Budget. It is feared that this will bear hardly on breweries + and dairies.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + + <p>We are not permitted to publish the name of the Foreign Office + official who strolled into a Piccadilly Bar last week and ordered a + Clam-Martinic cocktail.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + + <p>According to a report of the National Physical Laboratory the Tower of + London is moving towards the Thames. The hot weather is thought to have + something to do with it.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + + <p>The Board of Agriculture advises the killing of all old cocks and + hens. Lively competition between the railway refreshment rooms and the + tyre factories should ensure a satisfactory price.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + + <p>The High Court at the Hague has ordered a new trial in the case of the + Editor of the <i>Telegraaf</i>, who was sentenced for referring to "a + group of rascals in the centre of Europe." The rascality of the persons + in question is now deemed to be proved beyond the shadow of a doubt.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + + <p>The announcement that there will be no more Sunday music at the Zoo + has been received with satisfaction by the more conservative residents, + who have always complained that the presence of a band tended to reduce + the place to the level of a mere circus.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + + <p>A well-known inn at Effingham having changed its name from the Blücher + to the Sir Douglas Haig, it is further suggested that the name of the + village should be changed to Biffingham.</p> + +<hr /> + + <div class="figcenter" style="width:50%;"> + <a href="images/446.png"><img width="100%" src="images/446.png" + alt="" /></a> + <p>"<font class="sc">Ay, poor old Ben's rooined by the war. All 'is + yarns wos about <i>above-sea</i> pirates!</font>"</p> + </div> +<hr /> + +<h4>How to Cure a Wound.</h4> + + <p>"A wounded soldier jumped or fell from a passing S.E.R. Red Cross + train between Swanley Junction and Bromley to-day. The train was running + at about twenty miles an hour. When picked up the man was found to be + uninjured."—<i>Evening Paper.</i></p> + +<hr /> + +<h3>TITLE AND HALF-TITLE PAGES.</h3> + + <p>With a view to economy of paper, the title and half-title pages of the + Volume which is completed with the present issue are not being delivered + with copies of <i>Punch</i> as hitherto; they will however be sent free, + by post, upon receipt of a request.</p> + + <p>Those readers who have their Volumes bound at the <i>Punch</i> Office, + or by other binders in the official binding-cases, will not need to apply + for copies of the title and half-title pages, as these will be bound in + by the <i>Punch</i> Office or supplied direct to other binders along with + the cases.</p> + +<hr /> + +<span class="pagenum"><a name="page410" id="page410"></a>[pg 410]</span> + +<h3>ALGY.</h3> + + <p>Algy, it must be admitted, is no Adonis, but at least there is + something in his great round pudding-face and his cheery idiotic smile + which gives one the impression of a warm and optimistic nature.</p> + + <p>Algy is humble and not ambitious; but for all that he is doing his + bit, just as you and I are doing. He never goes on strike, and if he had + any money, which he never does have, I know he would invest it in War + Loan. Above all he is not a food-hog; not for him the forbidden potato or + the millionaire's beer—no! Against all luxuries Algy has resolutely + steeled his voluminous tummy. He has turned into the strictest of + teetotalers, and, though a glass of Scotch may bring a wistful look into + his eyes, yet he remains captain of his soul, unbroken as <font + class="sc">St. Anthony</font>.</p> + + <p>His job is war-work of the steeliest order, such as very few men would + care to undertake. All for the cause he stands, day after day, with a + little band of comrades, facing uncomplainingly the most terrible + buffetings, so that men may learn from him how to strike terror into the + heart of the Hun.</p> + + <p>Needless to remark, he is beloved by all the Tommies who inflict such + pain upon the region of his gaudy blue waistcoat; he never seems to care + and never grouses, but beams down on them undaunted with that quaint old + grin of his.</p> + + <p>'Twas a great and solemn day when we installed him. Conspicuous by his + horrible suit of reach-me-downs, supported on one side by the + sergeant-major, on the other by the sergeant, he was led gently but + firmly out of his billet and initiated into his honourable task.</p> + + <p>Algy has but one grievance. He wants badly to sport a few golden + stripes on his cuff. He is modest and does not push himself forward, but + as he has several times been severely wounded be thinks it only fair that + he should receive the coveted distinction. But the authorities will not + grant his simple request because, they say, he has shed no blood.</p> + + <p>He has outlived all his compeers; lesser men may succumb but Algy goes + on. One day, I suppose, he will meet the common fate; but may that sorry + day be far ahead. For we could ill spare our Algy—our dear old + bayonet dummy!</p> + +<hr /> + + <blockquote> + <p>"INDIAN WAR LOAN.—The amount applied for in Rangoon yesterday + was Rs. 00,000, making the progressive total Rs. + 00,00,000."—<i>Rangoon Times.</i></p> + + </blockquote> + <p>Nothing to boast about.</p> + +<hr /> + +<h3>THE BAN ON RACING.</h3> + + <p>Dear <font class="sc">Mr. Punch</font>,—In this bitter + controversy I hope that a few moderate and impartial words from one, like + myself, who sees clearly both sides of the question, may not be out of + place. In any case I feel it is incumbent upon me to do all I can to + avert the dire consequences of the frightful catastrophe that has fallen + upon us through the mad act of an insensate War Cabinet. I can only say + that if this is to be our spirit we are indeed defeated. Where is our + devotion to manly sports, so potent in the moulding of our National + character? What has become of our immemorial Right to Look On? Where is + our boasted liberty, deprived as we are now to be of a chance to find the + winner? What did <font class="sc">Wellington</font> say of Waterloo? and + <font class="sc">Marlborough</font> of Blenheim? and <font + class="sc">Bottomley</font> of the Battle of the Somme? By what + perversity of reasoning are we thus to asphyxiate the best instincts of + our race?</p> + + <p>We are said to be fighting for all that we hold sacred. Yet there is + nothing that is held more sacred in every cottage home throughout the + land than the Preservation of our Bloodstock. Let us not deceive + ourselves. It is our supremacy in Bloodstock alone that makes possible + the governess car, the milk van, the brewer's dray, the very plough + itself. These are fundamental facts.</p> + + <p>It has been suggested that, in order to avoid the assembling of + frivolous crowds in war-time, races might be run in private. But that is + quite impracticable. Only on the public racecourse can the lofty virtues + of our British Bloodstock be displayed. The exciting presence of the + crowd is absolutely essential to tune up its nerve and temper. Already + our Bloodstock has suffered cruelly from gaps in the Grand Stand.</p> + + <p>Then again there are some who actually complain that petrol is + consumed in large quantities by those attending race meetings. Are we to + put new heart into our enemies by letting it be known that we are short + of petrol?</p> + + <p>And finally there are some who so little understand the qualities of + the Thoroughbred as to suggest that gambling should be stopped in + war-time. The horse, unlike the Cabinet, is intelligent. Can he be + expected to exhibit his priceless qualities of speed and stamina if no + one puts his money up?</p> + + <p>I need say no more. Such flippant legislation is bad enough at any + time; during the Armageddon period it is little short of treason. One + wonders when our Government will begin to realise that we are at war.</p> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>I am,</p> + <p>Yours helpfully, as usual,</p> + <p><font class="sc">Statistician.</font></p> + </div> + </div> + +<hr /> + +<h3>THE DIARY OF A CO-ORDINATOR.</h3> + + <p><i>June 17th.</i>—Flew in an aeroplane to Los Angeles and + correlated the industrial functions of the East and West. Returned to the + White House for dinner, and co-ordinated grape juice with lemonade and + Perrier.</p> + + <p><i>June 18th.</i>—Breakfasted with <font + class="sc">Hearst</font> and co-ordinated him for half-an-hour with the + editor of <i>New York Life</i>, a task needing the highest diplomatic + qualities. Flew to Harvard and delivered lecture on Mr. <font + class="sc">Balfour's</font> Theology as correlated with his style in + golf. A great reception. Despatched report by wireless to London, Paris + and Petrograd. Returned to New York in the afternoon and co-ordinated + <font class="sc">Upton Sinclair</font>, Colonel <font + class="sc">Roosevelt</font>, <font class="sc">Tumulty</font> and <font + class="sc">Charles Dana Gibson</font>.</p> + + <p><i>June 19th.</i>—In the morning dictated articles for the + <i>Novoe Vremya</i>, <i>Matin</i> and <i>Corriere della Sera</i>, + emphasizing the need of co-operative cosmopolitan co-ordination. Flew to + Chicago to deliver supplementary lecture to that given by <font + class="sc">Arthur Balfour</font> on <font class="sc">Aristotle</font>. + Took for my subject "Aerial Trade Routes, as co-ordinated with + Terra-firma Routes for Motor-lorries." Enthusiastic reception. + Co-ordinative cold collation at 9 <font class="sc">p.m.</font> at + Philadelphia with <font class="sc">Gompers</font>, <font + class="sc">Rockefeller</font>, Mrs. <font class="sc">Atherton</font> and + <font class="sc">Billy Sunday</font>.</p> + + <p><i>June 20th.</i>—Dictated article on the New Diplomacy for + <i>The New York Journal</i>. In the afternoon co-ordinated the tenets of + Shin-Toism, Christian Science and Mormonism. A heavy day.</p> + + <p><i>June 21st.</i>—Much annoyed by report of <font + class="sc">Curzon's</font> extraordinary speech in the House of Lords. + Called at the White House and the British Embassy to put matters right, + and sent wireless to <font class="sc">Curzon</font>: "Nothing 'succeeds' + like success."</p> + +<hr /> + + <div class="figleft" style="width:50%;"> + <a href="images/447.png"><img width="100%" src="images/447.png" + alt="" /></a> + </div> +<br clear="left" /> +Standing on his head, we suppose. + +<hr class="short" /> + + <p>Extract from a report of a sermon by Father <font class="sc">Bernard + Vaughan</font>:—</p> + + <blockquote> + <p>"They might as well go on to one of the main lines and attempt to stop + one of the engines gorging from Euston to Edinburgh."—<i>Express + and Echo</i> (<i>Exeter</i>).</p> + + </blockquote> + <p>Perhaps it would be wiser to refer the matter to the <font + class="sc">Food-Controller</font>.</p> + +<hr /> + +<span class="pagenum"><a name="page411" id="page411"></a>[pg 411]</span> + + <div class="figcenter" style="width:100%;"> + <a href="images/448.png"><img width="100%" src="images/448.png" + alt="" /></a> + <h3>A GOOD RIDDANCE.</h3> + + <p>[The <font class="sc">King</font> has done a popular act in + abolishing the German titles held by members of His Majesty's family.] + </p> + </div> +<hr /> + +<span class="pagenum"><a name="page412" id="page412"></a>[pg 412]</span> + + <div class="figcenter" style="width:100%;"> + <a href="images/449.png"><img width="100%" src="images/449.png" + alt="" /></a> + <p><i>Bluejacket</i> (<i>on torpedo-boat that has only just avoided + collision with a neutral steamer</i>). "<font class="sc">I know you + love me, Alfonso, but there's no blinkin' need to try and kiss me every + time we meet.</font>"</p> + </div> +<hr /> + +<h2>JUST SAILORS.</h2> + + <p>Betty, having made an excellent breakfast, thank you, slipped from her + chair and sidled round the table to me. Her father's guests are, + naturally and without exception, Betty's slaves, to do with as she deems + best. To her they are known, regardless of age, either by their Christian + names or as "Mr. —er." I had enjoyed the privilege of her + acquaintance for five years, but was still included in the second + category.</p> + + <p>Betty has an appealing eye, freckles, and most fascinating red-gold + hair, and on the morning of which I write, after preparing the attack + with the first, she gently massaged my face with the second and third, + the while insinuating into my own a small hand not innocent of marmalade. + Betty is seven or thereabouts. "Mr. —er," she said, "what shall we + be to-day?"</p> + + <p>"Let us," I replied hastily, "pretend to be not quite at our best this + morning, and have a quiet time in the deck-chairs on the lawn." Betty + very naturally paid no regard whatever to this cowardly suggestion.</p> + + <p>"I'm not quite sure," she said, "if we will be pirates or soldiers or + just sailors. What do you think?"</p> + + <p>Pirates sounded rather strenuous for so hot a day. Soldiers, I felt + sure, involved my becoming a German prisoner and parading the garden + paths with my arms up, crying "Kamerad!" while Betty, gun in hand, + shepherded and prodded me from behind. Just sailors, on the other hand, + smacked of gentle sculling exercise in the dinghy on the lake, so I said, + "Let's be just sailors."</p> + + <p>But a sailor's life, as interpreted by Betty, is no rest cure. On land + it includes an exaggerated rolling gait—itself somewhat + fatiguing—and intervals of active participation in that most + exacting dance, the hornpipe, to one's own whistling accompaniment. At + odd moments, also, it appears that the best sailors double briskly to + such melodies as "Tipperary" and "Keep the Home Fires Burning."</p> + + <p>It was only when we arrived by the lake-side that Betty observed my + gumboots; instantly a return to the house in search of Daddy's nautical + footgear was necessitated. This, though generous in dimensions, was + finally induced to remain in position on Betty's small feet, her own + boots being, of course, retained.</p> + + <p>The dinghy was launched and, after a little preliminary wading in the + gum-boots, the crew embarked. Betty's future profession will, I am sure, + be that of quick-change artist. In less than ten minutes she had risen + from cabin-boy to skipper, <i>viâ</i> ordinary seaman, A.B., bo'sun and + various grades of mate. My rank, which had at the outset been that of + admiral, as speedily declined, until I was merely the donkey-engine + greaser, whose duties appeared to include that of helmsman (Betty is not + yet an adept with two sculls).</p> + + <p>Our vessel also changed its character with lightning rapidity. It was + in turn a ferry-boat—imitation of passengers descending the gangway + by rhythmical patting of hand on thwart; a hospital ship chased by a + submarine—cormorant's neck and head naturally mistaken for + periscope; a destroyer attacking a submarine—said cormorant kindly + obliging with quick diving act when approached; a food-ship laden with + bananas represented by rushes culled from the banks; and a smuggler + running cargoes of French wine contained in an elderly empty bottle + discovered in the mud above high-water mark. It was breathless work.</p> + + <p>The disaster occurred when Betty, against my maturer judgment, + insisted upon the exploration on foot of a mangrove swamp on the shore of + a cannibal-infested South Sea island. The immediate cause was a suddenly + developed attachment on the part of one of Daddy's sea-boots to the mud + on the lake-side. The twain refused to be parted, and the youthful + explorer measured her length in the mire.</p> + + <p>Generously overlooking my carelessness in not warning her that we were + traversing a quicksand, Betty, rather shaken, very muddy and with a + suspicion of tears in her voice, bound me by a blood-curdling nautical + oath not to breathe a word of the mishap to <span class="pagenum"><a + name="page413" id="page413"></a>[pg 413]</span> Mummy, Daddy or Miss + Watt, her governess. The pledge having been given, Betty, the offending + boots discarded, fled to her own room by way of the back-door.</p> + + <p>It was then twelve o'clock, and in the hour that remained before + luncheon I was fertile in excuses for Betty's absence from the scene; in + fact, the necessity for concealing the calamity quite marred what should + have been a time of well-earned relaxation.</p> + + <p>At last we sat down to the midday meal, and the members of the + house-party began to relate their morning's adventures. Finally some + thoughtless person said, "Well, Betty, and what mischief have you been up + to?"</p> + + <p>Betty, quite recovered and with a radiant smile, replied, "Oh, Mr. + —er and I had a scrumptious time on the lake. We were + sailors—just sailors—and did all sorts of lovely things, + didn't we, Mr. —er?"</p> + + <p>I agreed, and Betty went on to her peroration:</p> + + <p>"And at the very end Mr. —er was a tiger and I was a little + small boy, and he jumped on me out of the bushes and knocked me down in + the mud" [O Betty! O unjust sailor!], "and Miss Watt came in as I was + changing my things. It <i>was</i> splendid, wasn't it—Reggie?"</p> + + <p><i>Per ardua ad astra.</i> I had won my promotion to the commissioned + ranks of the Christian names.</p> + +<hr /> + +<h3>WIMMIN.</h3> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Behind wi' the sowin',</p> + <p class="i2">An' rent-day to meet,</p> + <p>For first time o' knowin'</p> + <p class="i2">John Buckham was beat;</p> + <p>Torpedoed an' swimmin'</p> + <p class="i2">An' fairly done in,</p> + <p>When someone said, "Wimmin</p> + <p class="i2">Would suit ye at Lynn."</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Dal Midwood, at Mutcham,</p> + <p class="i2">Who runs by old rules,</p> + <p>Said, "John, don't 'ee touch em—</p> + <p class="i2">A pa'sel o' fules</p> + <p>Aye dabbin' an' trimmin'</p> + <p class="i2">Wi' powder an' pin;</p> + <p>No, don't 'ee have wimmin,</p> + <p class="i2">John Buckham, at Lynn."</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Well, back wi' the sowin',</p> + <p class="i2">An' rent-day to meet,</p> + <p>I had to get goin'</p> + <p class="i2">Or own I were beat.</p> + <p>The banks needed trimmin';</p> + <p class="i2">The roots wasn't in;</p> + <p>'Twas either take wimmin</p> + <p class="i2">Or walk out o' Lynn.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>They came. They was pretty</p> + <p class="i2">An' white o' the hand,</p> + <p>But good-heart an' gritty</p> + <p class="i2">An' chockful o' sand;</p> + <p>Wi' energy brimmin'</p> + <p class="i2">Right up to the chin—</p> + <p>An' that sort o' wimmin</p> + <p class="i2">Was welcome at Lynn.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>At ploughin' they're able,</p> + <p class="i2">Or drainin' a fen,</p> + <p>They'll muck out a stable</p> + <p class="i2">As well as the men.</p> + <p>Their praises I'm hymnin',</p> + <p class="i2">For where would ha' bin,</p> + <p>If it weren't for the wimmin,</p> + <p class="i2">John Buckham, at Lynn?</p> + </div> + </div> + +<p class="author">W.H.O.</p> + +<hr /> + + <div class="figcenter" style="width:66%;"> + <a href="images/450.png"><img width="100%" src="images/450.png" + alt="" /></a> + <p><i>Mrs Green. to Mrs. Jones</i> (<i>who is gazing at an + aeroplane</i>). "<font class="sc">My word! I shouldn't care for one of + <i>them</i> flying things to settle on me.</font>"</p> + </div> +<hr /> + + <blockquote> + <p>"The Cairo Governorate has engaged white-washers to whiten plate-forms + of points from which streets branch which will be compelled by the end of + next week, before the commencement of the gaz lanterns decrease take + place."—<i>Egyptian Gazette.</i></p> + + </blockquote> + <p>The Sphinx has been requested to furnish an explanation.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + +<h4>Our Indomitables.</h4> + +<p class="center">"THE ENGLISH GIRL.</p> + +<p class="center"><font class="sc">Standing in Witness-Box without a Quiver.</font></p> + + <blockquote> + <p>Rose ——, sixty-seven, —— road, South + Tottenham, a young girl, was a witness in a London county court when the + boom of guns and detonation of bombs were heard."—<i>Daily + Paper.</i></p> + + </blockquote> + <p>Our English girls to-day are only as old as they feel.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + + <blockquote> + <p>"Mrs. A. Thomson writes a vigorous protest against the carelessness + with which the W.F.L. resolution urging the Prime Minister to make Woman + Suffrage an integral part of the Bill, was acknowledged on his behalf. + The acknowledgment was as follows:—</p> + + <p>'I am directed by the Prime Minister to acknowledge the receipt of the + resolution which you have forwarded on the subject of the formation of a + Maternity Department in the new Ministry of Health.'"—<i>The + Vote.</i></p> + + </blockquote> + <p>But was it carelessness, or humour?</p> + +<hr /> + +<span class="pagenum"><a name="page414" id="page414"></a>[pg 414]</span> + +<h2>HEART-TO-HEART TALKS.</h2> + + <blockquote> + <p>(<i>Herr Schultze and Herr Müller, privates in a Prussian regiment of + Infantry.</i>)</p> + + </blockquote> + <p><i>Schultze.</i> Leave will soon be over now and we shall have to go + back to the fighting.</p> + + <p><i>Müller.</i> Yes; it is not a very cheerful prospect.</p> + + <p><i>Schultze.</i> No; that is a very true saying. And, what is more, + there seems no possible end to this War, though (<i>dropping his voice + and looking round</i>) we all hate it from the bottom of our hearts.</p> + + <p><i>Müller.</i> Yes, we all hate it. Indeed the hatred between me and + the War gets worse and worse every day. I don't care who hears me.</p> + + <p><i>Schultze.</i> Don't be too bold; one never knows who may be + listening.</p> + + <p><i>Müller.</i> It is to become mad. Why did we ever let the <font + class="sc">All-Highest Majesty</font> begin such a war? We were all so + comfortable, and then suddenly the Austrian <font + class="sc">Archduke</font> gets himself murdered and, piff-paff, we + Germans must go to war against Russia and France and England. I am very + sorry for the <font class="sc">Archduke</font>, but there were other + Archdukes to supply his place, and even if there had not been I do not + think he himself was worth the four millions of killed, wounded and + prisoners whom we have lost since the guns began to go off.</p> + + <p><i>Schultze.</i> It is terrible to think of. And the sausages get + worse and worse, and the beer costs more and more and is not like beer at + all.</p> + + <p><i>Müller.</i> And the English have good guns and plenty of them, and + know colossally well how to use them; and they have millions of + men—more than we have; and their soldiers are brave—almost as + brave as our own soldiers. They have certainly won some victories, it + seems.</p> + + <p><i>Schultze.</i> So it seems; but our Generals have not told us much + about it.</p> + + <p><i>Müller.</i> And we all thought they had only a contemptible little + army.</p> + + <p><i>Schultze.</i> Yes, that was what the <font + class="sc">All-Highest</font> said.</p> + + <p><i>Müller.</i> The <font class="sc">All-Highest</font> has also said + several times that our soldiers would be back in their homes before the + leaves fell from the trees, and here are you and I doomed to go away from + our homes in the third year of the war. It would be better, I think, if + the <font class="sc">All-Highest</font> did not always speak so much and + tried honestly to bring us a good solid peace.</p> + + <p><i>Schultze</i> (<i>with a deep sigh</i>). Peace? I do not think we + shall ever have peace again. And the winning of victories seems to push + it always further away from us. At that rate what is the use of + victories?</p> + + <p><i>Müller.</i> Then you don't believe that the U-boats can starve + England into surrender?</p> + + <p><i>Schultze.</i> Certainly I don't. Do you know anyone that does + believe in that fairy story? All that the U-boats have really effected up + to the present has been to bring in America on the side of our + enemies.</p> + + <p><i>Müller.</i> That doesn't matter. The Americans have no army.</p> + + <p><i>Schultze.</i> Wasn't that what we said about the English? You + yourself said it as loudly as anyone else at the beginning.</p> + + <p><i>Müller.</i> The fact is this War has gone on too long. A war for + six weeks, that one can endure; but when it goes on for years—</p> + + <p><i>Schultze.</i> Yes, that is not so pleasant, though the <font + class="sc">Kaiser</font> is always talking about hacking through and + having an iron fist and being a wall of steel and other things of that + sort.</p> + + <p><i>Müller.</i> Oh, he! I'm tired to death of his speeches and his + prancing about. Again I say I don't care who hears me. We have done + enough for glory; isn't there something we can do for peace?</p> + + <p><i>Schultze.</i> No, nothing—and you know it. It is more likely + we shall end in prison if we talk like this.</p> + +<hr /> + + <div class="figcenter" style="width:50%;"> + <a href="images/451.png"><img width="100%" src="images/451.png" + alt="" /></a> + <p>"<font class="sc">I warn you, Sir! The discourtesy of this bank is + beyond all limits. One word more and I—I withdraw my + overdraft.</font>"</p> + </div> +<hr /> + +<p class="center">"NAVAL APPOINTMENTS.</p> + +<p class="center"><font class="sc">Royal Naval Reserve.</font></p> + + <blockquote> + <p>Mr. J.R. <font class="sc">Macdonald</font> entered as Skipper + (temp.)"—<i>The Times.</i></p> + + </blockquote> + <p>If this is how the Government hopes to get the Member for Leicester to + Petrograd there is still the difficulty of enlisting a crew (temp.)</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + + <blockquote> + <p>"Successful raids were carried out by us during the night east of + Lagnicourt (two or three metres south of Bullecourt)."—<i>Evening + Times and Echo.</i></p> + + </blockquote> + <p>For the sake of precision we could have wished that the measurement + had been worked out to inches.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + + <blockquote> + <p>"Thousands on foot and in every kind of vehicle visited the grisly + relic. A Sunday school teacher marched the girls of her class to the + place. Some 80ft. of her nose-end is stuck aslant in the + air."—<i>Daily Mail.</i></p> + + </blockquote> + <p>Not every woman is so well-equipped for showing contempt of the + enemy.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + + <blockquote> + <p>"Wanted, Coachman-Chauffeur, 'Over-land' Car (Protestant), over + military age."—<i>Londonderry Sentinel.</i></p> + + </blockquote> + <p>Whatever its religion a car of this age must be almost past praying + for.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + + <blockquote> + <p>"The sort of women who literally make ducks and drakes of their duty + as the family administrator."—<i>Spectator.</i></p> + + </blockquote> + <p>Having regard to the high price of poultry might not the new + Food-Controller get these women to explain how they do it?</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + +<h4>The Buffer's Vindication.</h4> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>I haven't fought, I haven't dug, I've worn no special caps,</p> + <p class="i2">Too little has my country, sure, had from me;</p> + <p><i>But</i> I've never talked of "strafe-ing" anyone for any lapse,</p> + <p class="i2">And I've never called a fighting man a "Tommy."</p> + </div> + </div> + +<hr /> + +<span class="pagenum"><a name="page415" id="page415"></a>[pg 415]</span> + + <div class="figcenter" style="width:100%;"> + <a href="images/452.png"><img width="100%" src="images/452.png" + alt="" /></a> + <div class="i16"> + <p><i>Old Soldier</i> (<i>trying to "swing the lead"</i>). "<font + class="sc">Well, Sir, I can't neither eat, sleep nor drink, + Sir.</font>"</p> + + <p><i>M.O.</i> (<i>in a spasm of enthusiasm</i>). "<font class="sc">My + good man! The Army wants a battalion like you!</font>"</p> + </div> + </div> +<hr /> + +<h2>THE WATCH DOGS.</h2> + +<p class="center">LXII.</p> + +<font class="sc">My dear Charles</font>,—I've become so +artful these days in disguising identities +under assumed names that I'm +hanged if I can remember myself which +of my people is which. Still I daresay +your own memory isn't too good, so +we'll call him Ross this time, and trust +to luck that that is what we called him +last time. He is that one of my friends +and fellow sinners who was plugging +along nicely at the Bar in 1914, and +was just about to take silk, when he +changed his mind, came to France and +got mixed up in what he calls "this +vulgar brawl on the Continent." After +nearly three years of systematic warfare +in the second line he has at last +achieved the rank of full lieutenant, +which is not so bad for a growing lad +of forty-five; and is running one of +those complicated but fascinating side-shows +which, to oblige Their Exigencies, +we have to label Queer Trades, +and leave at that. + + <p>Whether his department is or is not making history it is certainly one + which calls for a vast amount of special knowledge in its + <i>personnel</i>. Ross, having been at the Bar, knows nothing and knows + that he knows nothing, but is able to pretend to know just enough to keep + his end up with Thos. J. Brown, who, disguised as a corporal, really runs + the business. "Our Mr. Brown," as Ross calls him, is one of those nice + old gentlemen who wear large spectacles and cultivate specialist + knowledge on the intensive system. Owing to his infallibility in all + details and upon all occasions he was much sought after in peace time by + the larger commercial houses. When War broke out our Mr. Brown disdained + peace. He made at once for the Front; but his aged legs, though encased + in quite the most remarkable puttees in France, were found to be less + reliable than his head, and he was held up on his way to the trenches and + diverted to the stool of Ross's office.</p> + + <p>He began by putting some searching and dreadfully intelligent + questions to Ross; dissatisfied with Ross's answers, he concentrated his + mind on the business for twenty-four consecutive hours, at the end of + which period he was the master of it in more senses than one. Since that + time Ross has ensured the efficient running of his office by keeping out + of it when it is busy. When for appearance sake he has to be there he + does as his Mr. Brown tells him, and never wastes the latter's time by + arguing.</p> + + <p>In the Army, all fleas have bigger fleas upon their backs to bite 'em. + Were this not so somebody would have to act upon his own responsibility, + and that, as you will admit, would make war an impossibility. Accordingly + in every department there is a series of authorities, starting with + "other ranks" at the bottom, proceeding in an ascending scale of dignity + and worth, and disappearing through a cloud of Generals into an infinite + of which no man knoweth the nature. Thus, with Ross's business (to take + the tail end of it) the letter which the Corporal writes the Lieutenant + signs on behalf of the Major. It is when the Major wants to do something + more active that trouble arises. Let us take an incidental matter of + administrative detail for example, setting it forth, as all military + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page416" id="page416"></a>[pg 416]</span> + matters should be set forth, in paragraphs, separately + numbered:—</p> + + <p>1. Lt. Ross possessed a bicycle, motor, one. No. 54321 L/Cpl. Burt + possessed feet, two, only. Ross had no occasion, ability or disposition + to ride a motor bicycle. No. 54321 could neither do his business nor + enjoy life afoot. Accordingly, No. 54321 rode the bicycle, while, for the + purposes of what is known to better people than ourselves as + Establishment, Ross owned it. But that was in the good old days, before + Traffic and Police and all the Others interested themselves.</p> + + <p>2. The first thing Traffic did was to say that all owners of motor + bicycles must own cards, and produce them when demanded. That was easy: + No. 54321 got the card. Then Police issued some vague but menacing + literature with regard to the fate of people who stole other people's + property or failed to stick to their own. There was no difficulty about + this; Ross publicly fathered the thing.</p> + + <p>3. Traffic, issuing new cards, said next that all owners of cards must + also own bicycles. Realising the quandary, Ross was for saying he + wouldn't play any more, but would declare a separate peace. His Mr. Brown + however got up a long and intricate correspondence, at the end of which + Ross was still owner and No. 54321 was still rider; both had cards, and + all the authorities had, unknowingly, made themselves parties to the + fraud.</p> + + <p>Suddenly the Major declared his intention of putting the whole of + Ross's establishment (including bicycle) on what he called a satisfactory + basis by a series of orders which he proposed to draft himself. Ross, + always ready to be put on a satisfactory basis by anybody, took note of + the draft, and laid it before his Mr. Brown. The latter was aghast, and + proved, by infallible reasons, the fatal results which would follow if + the matter was stirred up. Ross made a careful note of the reasons, and + laid them before the Major. The Major explained gently that discipline + was discipline. And so Ross went to and fro between the two, until the + Major said, "Really, Ross!" and his Mr. Brown said, "I'm very sorry, Sir, + but there it is;" and yet Ross couldn't sack his Major, and he couldn't + break away from his Mr. Brown.</p> + + <p>He was between the Devil and the Deep Sea. What was he to do about it? + Well, he just told the Deep Sea to keep calm a little longer, and went + and waited outside the Devil's Mess. He saluted and asked the Devil if + he'd care to come for a walk, and, the latter consenting, he led him to + the Deep Sea. Then, when the Devil himself had been introduced to the + Deep Sea itself, Ross slipped off and left them in his office to fix it + up between themselves.</p> + + <p>Ross dined with the Major that night, and the latter said he wasn't + feeling at all well. The way Ross's Mr. Brown had licked his thumb and + the lightning speed with which he had turned up exactly the right + correspondence, office minute or Routine Order, had nearly given the + Major heart disease. Besides, he'd lost the argument. "I was too heavily + handicapped from the start," said he, "by not being in a position to lick + <i>my</i> thumb or to stick <i>my</i> pencil behind my ear."</p> + + <p>It was a good idea to introduce the Major and Mr. Brown, wasn't it, + Charles? The Major says he was the first to suggest it, and Ross is + careful to leave the credit with the Major, because he is sure that the + idea really originated in the fertile and masterful brain of his Mr. + Brown.</p> + +<p class="center">Yours ever,</p> + +<p class="author"><font class="sc">Henry.</font></p> + +<hr /> + + <div class="figcenter" style="width:100%;"> + <a href="images/453.png"><img width="100%" src="images/453.png" + alt="" /></a> + <font class="sc">Miss Daisy Dimple, the revue favourite, sells + flags.</font> + </div> +<hr /> + +<h4>Another Impending Apology.</h4> + + <p>From a South African Parish Magazine:—</p> + + <blockquote> + <p>"Many thanks to the Rev. —— and the Rev. —— + for coming to St. —— during the past month. The Rector went + off to Clifton and Park Town, and enjoyed the change almost as much as + the congregation."</p> + + </blockquote> +<hr class="short" /> + + <blockquote> + <p>"A bird flew into Willesden Court yesterday and perched above the + magistrate's head.</p> + + <p>Alderman Pinkham: 'It's not often we 'get the bird' on the + bench.'"</p> + + </blockquote> + <p>But the "Beak" is there all the time.</p> + +<hr /> + +<span class="pagenum"><a name="page417" id="page417"></a>[pg 417]</span> + + <div class="figcenter" style="width:100%;"> + <a href="images/454.png"><img width="70%" src="images/454.png" + alt="" /></a> + <h3>THE JUDGMENT OF PARIS: LATEST INVERSION.</h3> + + <p>{<font class="sc">Conservatism, Liberalism, Labour.</font>} "DON'T + FORGET, DEAR LADY, WHEN THE TIME COMES, THAT IT WAS <i>I</i> WHO GAVE + YOU THE APPLE."</p> + </div> +<hr /> + +<span class="pagenum"><a name="page418" id="page418"></a>[pg 418]</span> + +<h3>ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT.</h3> + + <p><i>Monday, June 18th.</i>—Arising out of the dethronement of + <font class="sc">Tino</font> a cloud-burst of questions descended upon + Lord <font class="sc">Robert Cecil</font>, who took refuge under a + wide-spreading umbrella of official ignorance. Mr. <font + class="sc">Lynch</font> was annoyed because his question whether the + Allies would oppose the foundation of a Greek Republic was dismissed as + "hypothetical," but Lord <font class="sc">Robert</font> assured him that + there was "nothing abusive" in the epithet. But is that so? Suppose he + were to describe Mr. <font class="sc">Lynch</font> as a "hypothetical + statesman"?</p> + + <p>A detailed history of a Canterbury lamb, from its purchase in New + Zealand at 6⅜<i>d.</i> a pound to its sale to the British butcher + at 10½<i>d.</i>, was given by Mr. <font class="sc">George Roberts</font>. + He threw no light, however, on the problem why it should double in price + before reaching the consumer. This is engaging the anxious consideration + of Lord <font class="sc">Rhondda</font>, who declares that there is no + adequate economic reason why Little Mary should have only a little + lamb.</p> + + <p>In the House of Commons as in a music-hall you can always get a laugh + by referring to "the lodger." Whether the lodger, who is considered quite + good enough to vote for a mere Member of Parliament, should also be + allowed a voice in the election of really important people like town + councillors was the theme of animated discussion. It ended ultimately in + the lodger's favour, with the proviso that the apartments he occupies + should be unfurnished. On such niceties does the British Constitution + depend.</p> + + <p><i>Tuesday, June 19th.</i>—Mr. <font class="sc">Balfour</font> + received a warm welcome from all sections of the House on making his + first appearance after his return from America. Even the ranks of + Tuscany, on the Irish benches, could not forbear to cheer their old + opponent. Besides securing American gold for his country, he has + transferred some American bronze to his own complexion, and has, if + anything, sharpened his faculty for skilful evasion and polite repartee + by his encounters with Transatlantic journalists.</p> + + <p>In the course of the daily catechism on the subject of air-raids Mr. + <font class="sc">MacMaster</font> inquired, "Why is it that Paris appears + to be practically immune, while London is not?" The answer came, not from + the Front Bench, but from the Chair, and was delivered in a tone so low + that even the Official Reporter failed to catch it. That is a pity, + because it furnishes a useful hint for Ministers. In future, when posed + with futile or embarrassing questions about the War, let them follow the + <font class="sc">Speaker's</font> example, and simply say, "You must ask + the <font class="sc">Kaiser</font>!"</p> + + <div class="figleft" style="width:33%;"> + <a href="images/455a.png"><img width="100%" src="images/455a.png" + alt="" /></a> + <p>THE BETTER PART OF VALOUR.</p> + + <p><i>Sir Frederick Smith.</i> "<font class="sc">What's the good of + struggling</font>?"</p> + </div> + <div class="figright" style="width:33%;"> + <a href="images/455b.png"><img width="100%" src="images/455b.png" + alt="" /></a> + <p><i>Literary Dame</i> (<i>at bookstall</i>). "<font class="sc">Have + you any books by that rising young novelist, Lord Hugh + Cecil?</font>".</p> + </div> + <p>In a perfectly free division, in which Ministers and ex-Ministers were + mixed up together in both Lobbies, woman's right to be registered as a + Parliamentary elector was affirmed by 385 votes to 55. Some capital + speeches were made on both sides, but if any of them turned a vote it was + probably the cynical admission of the <font + class="sc">Attorney-General</font> that he was as much opposed to female + suffrage as ever, but meant to vote for it because it was bound to come. + This probably had an even greater effect upon the average Member, who is + not an idealist, than the nutshell novelette in which Lord <font + class="sc">Hugh Cecil</font> lightly outlined the possible future of the + female politician.</p> + + <p><i>Wednesday, June 20th.</i>—Military metaphors come naturally + to the Duke of <font class="sc">Marlborough</font>. Yet I cannot think he + was happily inspired when, in reminding the farmers of their duty to put + more land under the plough, he compared the compulsory powers of the + Board of Agriculture to a sword in its scabbard, and hoped there would be + no necessity to rattle it. Everybody knows that the sword in question is + a converted ploughshare, and that it rests with the War Office to turn it + back again.</p> + + <p>Last night fifty-five Members resisted Votes for Women. By this + afternoon twenty-five of them had so far changed their minds as to + protest against the limitation of the privilege to women over thirty. + Major <font class="sc">Rowland Hunt</font>, convinced that women would + soon vote themselves into the House, expressed a naïve preference for + "young 'uns."</p> + + <p><i>Thursday, June 21st.</i>—During Sir <font class="sc">Edward + Grey's</font> long tenure of the Foreign Secretaryship he rarely visited + the House of Commons more than twice a week. Until his voyage to the + United States, Mr. <font class="sc">Balfour</font> was even less + attentive to his Parliamentary duties and left most of the + "donkey-work"—if one may so describe the business of answering the + questions of curious Members—to Lord <font class="sc">Robert + Cecil</font>. Since his return Mr. <font class="sc">Balfour</font> has + developed a new zest for this pastime, and to-day for the third time in + succession appeared in his place. Everybody is pleased to see him there, + except perhaps the curious Members aforesaid, who find him even more + chary of information than his deputy. Had not the <font + class="sc">President</font> of the United States said something about + Alsace-Lorraine? ventured Corporal <font class="sc">Lees-Smith</font>. + Mr. <font class="sc">Balfour</font>, fresh from the White House, blandly + replied, "I do not propose to discuss President <font + class="sc">Wilson's</font> Notes."</p> + + <p>The notion, prevalent at the beginning of the War, that every German + waiter was an emissary of the <font class="sc">Kaiser</font>, only + awaiting "The Day" when he should return to take a full revenge for + meagre gratuities, still subsists in certain minds. Mr. <font + class="sc">Brookes</font> was manifestly disappointed when Dr. <font + class="sc">MacNamara</font> assured him that the aeronaut captured in the + recent raid was not, as he supposed, one of these returned Ganymedes, but + was making his first appearance on English soil.</p> + +<hr /> + + <blockquote> + <p>"A small fire at a variety theatre burnt some dresses all up, but the + revue went on as usual."—<i>Berrow's Worcester Journal.</i></p> + + </blockquote> + <p>No need to worry over little things like that.</p> + +<hr /> + +<span class="pagenum"><a name="page419" id="page419"></a>[pg 419]</span> + + <div class="figcenter" style="width:100%;"> + <a href="images/456.png"><img width="100%" src="images/456.png" + alt="" /></a> + <div class="i16"> + <p><i>Long-suffering Sergeant.</i> "<font class="sc">We got another + arf-hour to go yet. <i>I</i> don't know what to do with + yer.</font>"</p> + + <p><i>Rookie</i> (<i>suggestively</i>). "<font class="sc">There's some + trees over there, Sergeant.</font>"</p> + + <p><i>Sergeant.</i> "<font class="sc">Yes, I know. But there ain't any + ropes.</font>"</p> + </div> + </div> +<hr /> + +<h2>TO FIELD-MARSHAL SIR DOUGLAS HAIG.</h2> + +<p class="center"><font class="sc">June 19th, 1917.</font></p> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Sir, though in dealing with the strong and straight</p> + <p class="i2">Of sentiment one cannot be too thrifty,</p> + <p>Still, after reading your despatch—the date</p> + <p class="i2">Chimes with your birthday, <i>ætat</i> six-and-fifty—</p> + <p>A humble rhymer, though denied by fate</p> + <p class="i2">Possession of the high poetic "giftie,"</p> + <p>May yet express the hope it won't displease you</p> + <p>To see yourself as one plain person sees you.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Some call you cold, because you are not prone</p> + <p class="i2">To bursts of eloquence or flights of feeling;</p> + <p>You do not emulate the fretful tone</p> + <p class="i2">Of those who turn from boastfulness to squealing;</p> + <p>Your temperament, I am obliged to own,</p> + <p class="i2">Is not expansive, Celtic, self-revealing;</p> + <p>But some of us admire you none the less</p> + <p>For your laconic simple truthfulness.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>No doubt you would provide far better "copy"</p> + <p class="i2">To the industrious drivers of the quill</p> + <p>If you were more emotional and sloppy,</p> + <p class="i2">More richly dowered with journalistic skill;</p> + <p>To make despatches blossom like the poppy</p> + <p class="i2">You never have essayed and never will;</p> + <p>In short, you couldn't earn a pound a week</p> + <p>As a reporter on <i>The Daily Shriek</i>.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Frugal in speech, yet more than once impelled</p> + <p class="i2">To utter words of confidence and cheer,</p> + <p>Whereat some dismal publicists rebelled</p> + <p class="i2">As premature, ill-founded, insincere—</p> + <p>Words none the less triumphantly upheld</p> + <p class="i2">By Victory's verdict, resonantly clear,</p> + <p>Words that inspired misgiving in the foe</p> + <p>Because you do not prophesy—you <i>know</i>;</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Steadfast and calm, unmoved by blame or praise,</p> + <p class="i2">By local checks or Fortune's strange caprices,</p> + <p>You dedicate laborious nights and days</p> + <p class="i2">To shattering the Hun machine to pieces;</p> + <p>And howsoe'er at times the battle sways</p> + <p class="i2">The Army's trust in your command increases;</p> + <p>Patient in preparation, swift in deed,</p> + <p>We find in you the leader that we need.</p> + </div> + </div> + +<hr /> + + <blockquote> + <p>"The temperature in Berlin yesterday was 131 degrees Centigrade, which + is the highest temperature since 1848."—<i>Daily Dispatch.</i></p> + + </blockquote> + <p>Equal to about 268 degrees Fahr. and quite hot enough to keep the + Imperial Potsdam boiling.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + + <blockquote> + <p>"A correspondent who knows a great deal about the coat trade says + there is going to be great difficulty in obtaining coal during the coming + winter."—<i>Torquay Times.</i></p> + + </blockquote> + <p>This will confirm the belief that the shortage of fuel is not + unassociated with the vested interests.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + + <blockquote> + <p>"We, on the other hand, are just as much entitled, under any sane code + of morals, to bombard Kerman towns as to shoot German soldiers on the + field."—<i>The Globe.</i></p> + + </blockquote> + <p>We think, however, that the inhabitants of these Persian towns might + reasonably object to such vicarious reprisals.</p> + +<hr /> + +<span class="pagenum"><a name="page420" id="page420"></a>[pg 420]</span> + +<h2>OUR BOOKING-OFFICE.</h2> + +<p class="center">(<i>By Mr. Punch's Staff of Learned Clerks.</i>)</p> + + <p>Our moorland novelists are of two schools. One of them depicts the + dwellers on these heights as a superior race, using a vocabulary half + Biblical, half minor-poetic, in which to express the most exalted + sentiments; the other draws a picture of upland domesticity comparable to + that found in a cage of hyenas. Mr. <font class="sc">Halliwell + Sutcliffe</font>, though he is too skilled an artist to overdo the + colouring, inclines (I am bound to say) so much towards the former method + that I confess to an uneasy doubt, at times, whether any human families + could maintain existence on the same plane of nobility as, for example, + the <i>Holts</i> in his latest romance, <i>Lonesome Heights</i> (<font + class="sc">Ward, Lock</font>). These <i>Holts</i> were a race of + farmer-squires, and in the book you see their development through two + generations: the masterful old man and his twin sons. This is all the + tale; a simple enough record, but full of the dignity and beauty which + make the reading of any story by this author a refreshment to irritated + nerves. Towards the end some space is devoted to the fight to abolish + child-labour in the dale mills; there is also a scandal, and the + fastening of blame upon the wrong brother; no very great matter. It is + for such scenes as that of the death of old <i>Holt</i>, and his last + words to the horse that has thrown him, that <i>Lonesome Heights</i> will + earn its place on your library list.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + + <p><i>The Dice of the Gods</i> (<font class="sc">Heath, Cranton</font>) + is not, as the title suggests, something rather thrilling in the way of + romantic fiction, but one of those dispassionate novels in which the + author, through the medium of his puppets, gently scourges the follies of + society. <i>William van der Beck</i>, whose fictional house of clay very + obviously clothes the spiritual essence of the author, Mr. <font + class="sc">Lucian de Zilwa</font>, returns to his native Colombo with a + liberal education, to find that the life and thought of the strange + Indo-European bourgeoisie to which he belongs by birth present no + alluring features. In point of fact the ambitions and hypocrisies, + pretences and prejudices of the Cingalese "burgher" with the tell-tale + finger-nails are merely those of Bristol or Amsterdam evolved under + Colonial conditions. <i>Jack van der Beck</i>, for example, the pompous + medical ass with a flourishing practice among the local nabobs, can be + found in every provincial town in Europe. <i>The Dice of the Gods</i> has + no plot worthy of the name, but Mr. <font class="sc">de Zilwa</font> has + both satire and philosophy at his command, and a flair for atmosphere. + His scenery and "props" too will be new even to the most hardened + novel-reader. He paints a vivid Oriental background with which the + semi-Western civilization of his characters alternately blends and + contrasts rather effectively.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + + <p>Mr. <font class="sc">Tresidder Sheppard's</font> <i>The Quest of + Ledgar Dunstan</i> (<font class="sc">Duckworth</font>) is one of those + half-sequels of which, while it remains true that You Can Start Here, you + will get a better grip with some previous knowledge of the earlier story + about the same people. Not that your hold upon the present book will, + even then, be other than slightly precarious. For my own part I seldom + met anything so elusive. I freely grant that it is original, thoughtful + and provocative, but the effect it produces is rather like that of + <i>Jaberwocky</i> upon <i>Alice</i> ("It fills me with ideas, only I + don't know what they are!"). At first one seemed in for a comedy of + disillusion. <i>Ledgar</i> and <i>Mary</i>, united, are met with in the + process of living unhappily ever after. This is clear enough, human + (unfortunately) and amusing. It was, for one thing, <i>Mary's</i> habit + of misquotation that got upon <i>Ledgar's</i> nerves. "Alas, poor + Garrick!" was one of her typical lapses. Nor was <i>Ledgar</i> himself + more of a success with <i>Mary</i>, who found him (and here my sympathies + went over to her) lacking in force and coherence. But as <i>Mary</i> + eloped with somebody else at the end of part one she hadn't my prolonged + experience of <i>Ledgar's</i> incomprehensibility. Nor did the question + of his semi-lunatic friend worry her, or the whole problem of what, if + anything, was the motive of the book. Eventually he is shown pairing off + with his earlier love, <i>Winnie</i>; and I am bound to say that she too + has my sympathy. I should sum up by saying that the analysis of + introspective egotism, however subtly done, can make at best only an + exasperating story.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + + <p>In <i>By the Waters of Africa</i> (<font class="sc">Robert + Scott</font>) Miss <font class="sc">Norma Lorimer</font> has described + her British East African travels in a series of letters, in which she + shows a very real sense of style and a delightful assumption of her own + unimportance. To people suffering from the books of travellers who seem + more anxious to air themselves than to give impressions of the countries + through which they have passed, it will be a pure relief to find an + author who suppresses herself and really gets on with her business. + Thanks to her friends, whose kindness she frankly acknowledges, Miss + <font class="sc">Lorimer</font> was able to see native life under + conditions impossible to a less privileged traveller, and she misses no + feature in it that is either humorous or enlightening. It is a model book + of its kind, valuable up to a certain point and always pleasant to read. + Some of the author's adventures might easily have excused a reckless use + of notes of exclamation. But only once does she give way to this + weakness, and this I pardon her, for I should always use one myself on + the eve of starting for the Mountains of the Moon.</p> + +<hr /> + + <div class="figcenter" style="width:50%;"> + <a href="images/457.png"><img width="100%" src="images/457.png" + alt="" /></a> + <p class="center">NEW SPORTS FOR OLD.</p> + + <p class="center"><font class="sc">Snail-stalking in the + suburbs.</font></p> + </div> +<hr /> + +<h4>For the Honeymoon?</h4> + + <blockquote> + <p>"Lady wants quiet summer accommodation; near + bees."—<i>Scotsman.</i></p> + + </blockquote> +<hr /> + +<span class="pagenum"><a name="page421" id="page421"></a>[pg 421]</span> + + <div class="figcenter" style="width:100%;"> + <a href="images/458.png"><img width="100%" src="images/458.png" + alt="" /></a> + </div> +<h2>MR. PUNCH IN RUSSIA.</h2> + + <p>In the last Epilogue, where Mr. Punch was described as paying a call + upon our brave soldiers in a German prison-camp, I confessed that I + didn't understand how he got there in the body. To-day I have to report a + far simpler enterprise. This time he has merely been on a mission to + Russia. Anybody can do that, unless the Sailors' and Firemen's Union + mistake him for Mr. <font class="sc">Ramsay Macdonald</font> and no one + has yet made this error in respect of Mr. Punch.</p> + + <p>His brilliant mastery of the Russian language is a harder thing to + believe; but, as nothing is said of an interpreter, I must suppose that + he had been quietly and painfully taking lessons in this very difficult + tongue. Anyhow, you must picture him, at some spot not specified, + addressing a concourse of enthusiastic Revolutionaries. I propose to give + a brief summary of his speech, from which you will gather that he spoke + to them like a father, and that, while he showed a cordial sympathy with + the cause of Russian freedom, he did not hesitate to deliver himself of + some very straight home-truths.</p> + + <p>"Friends, Russians, Allies," he began; "I come on behalf of my + fellow-countrymen" (you know his touching way of regarding himself as the + medium of the best intelligence to be found in the British Empire) "to + convey their affectionate sympathy with you in your triumph over the + tyranny of Tsardom. At first we took the natural and hopeful view that + your Revolution, supported by all that was noblest in all ranks of your + society, was the result of bitter dissatisfaction with the conduct of the + War, and with the secret and sinister enemy influences which were at work + to ruin your chances in the common fight against Kaiserism.</p> + + <p>"Yet it was immediately followed by wholesale desertions from the + firing-line and a general disintegration of military discipline. It + seems, then, that we were wrong; for otherwise it would be a curious + irony that a movement designed for the better conduct of the War should + produce a complete stagnation on your fighting fronts; or, to look at it + from another point of view, that a Revolution which owed its success to + the War, since, in such a war as this, the Army and the nation are one, + should have, for its immediate consequence, an apparent failure on your + part to remember the purpose for which the War is being fought.</p> + + <p>"No doubt many motives were at work, and it was perhaps natural that + in the joy of your new-found freedom you should be tempted to forget the + conditions that had made it possible, and to regard the War as something + outside and remote, and its importance as small compared with the + achievement of internal liberty.</p> + + <p>"Well, we have tried patiently to see things with your eyes, and now + you in your turn must please make an effort to see them with ours. From + the first, when we in England took on this War, we recognised that <span + class="pagenum"><a name="page422" id="page422"></a>[pg 422]</span> the + country which was bound to get most good out of it was Russia. For her we + hoped that it was to be in the fullest sense a War of Liberation. Your + Allies would win liberty from external menace, but you would also see the + bonds of internal tyranny broken. The <font class="sc">Tsar</font>, the + little father of his people, had a chance, such as falls to few, of + giving to his nation something of the true freedom that we in England + know.</p> + + <p>"He missed his chance. We will not ask why, but he missed it. Yet by + other means the War has been for you a War of Liberation, and, if you + break your pledge to see it through, you do not deserve your freedom. Nay + more, you run the risk of losing it; or, if, through the steadfastness of + your sworn Allies, you keep it, then you keep it at the cost of + sacrificing the friendship and sympathy of all free nations who are + fighting in the cause of liberty; and, on those terms, your own freedom + is not worth having.</p> + + <p>"Some of you argue that Russia's pledge to her Allies was an + Imperialist pledge and that you have the right to ignore it. Have you + forgotten so soon that the prime cause of Russia's entry into this + quarrel was that Austria had threatened to crush a free nation, Serbia, + whose race and faith are yours? Besides, a pledge like that is still a + pledge, though governments may change. Would you have it so that no + people, from this time on, shall trust the word of Russia for fear that a + new <i>régime</i> might repudiate it?</p> + + <p>"We have been patient and made allowances. We know that a great nation + like yours cannot overthrow an age-long tyranny without being shaken + through every fibre of its being. Time was needed for you to recover your + balance and to resume a sane view of your obligations to others than + yourselves. So we have been patient, and are patient still, though the + inaction on your Front and your withdrawal from your part in the common + struggle have made our burden in France far harder to bear.</p> + + <p>"If you fail us, we shall no less fight on, we others. 'We shall march + prospering—not through your presence.' We shall fight on till the + ideals of Kaiserism, your worst enemy, are crushed. America, that great + Republic that loves peace as passionately as you, will take your place, + will fill up the gap that you leave in the ranks of those who fight for + freedom. And we shall fight till we get the true peace that we + want—not the peace which some of you have advocated, fraternising + with the common foe, listening to the specious pleas of those who shirk + the one test of their honesty when they are asked to revolt against a + tyranny as least as deadly as that which you have yourselves + overthrown.</p> + + <p>"But you will not fail us, I know. Your hearts, as a nation, were once + in this War; heavy as our sacrifices have been, yours have been heavier + still. Why should you change? Why should the birth of your own freedom be + the death of your sympathy with the cause of the freedom of the world? + No, you cannot fail us; you are too great for that.</p> + + <p>"Forgive me," Mr. Punch concluded, "if, in speaking from a full heart, + I have allowed myself an excess of candour. At home they have always been + very kind and let me have a charter to say just what I think; and I have + been doing it, without much distinction of persons, for seventy-five + years and more. If to you, who have been dumb so long, this seems beyond + belief, permit me to offer you, with sincere affection and regard, a + visible proof of my privilege in the shape of my</p> + +<h3>One Hundred and Fifty-Second Volume."</h3> + + <div class="figcenter" style="width:100%;"> + <a href="images/459.png"><img width="100%" src="images/459.png" + alt="" /></a> + </div> +<hr /> + +<span class="pagenum"><a name="page423" id="page423"></a>[pg 423]</span> + + <div class="figcenter" style="width:100%;"> + <a href="images/460.png"><img width="100%" src="images/460.png" + alt="" /></a> + </div> +<h3>Cartoons.</h3> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p><font class="sc">Partridge, Bernard.</font></p> + <p class="i2">Against Tyranny, 369</p> + <p class="i2">Also Ran, 157</p> + <p class="i2">Answer to Peace Talk (An), 9</p> + <p class="i2">Blighted Prospects, 109</p> + <p class="i2">Breath of Liberty (The), 211</p> + <p class="i2">Cancelled, 183</p> + <p class="i2">Catch of the Season (The), 225</p> + <p class="i2">Comfort in Exile, 401</p> + <p class="i2">Dawn of Doubt (The), 25</p> + <p class="i2">Dead Frost (A), 77</p> + <p class="i2">End of the Thousand-and-One Nights (The), 289</p> + <p class="i2">Erin takes a Turn at her own Harp, 353</p> + <p class="i2">For Services Rendered, 337</p> + <p class="i2">Greater Need (The), 171</p> + <p class="i2">His Latest, 321</p> + <p class="i2">"I am the Man", 58-59</p> + <p class="i2">Judgment of Paris: Latest Inversion (The), 417</p> + <p class="i2">Last Throw (The), 125</p> + <p class="i2">Price of Victory (The), 305</p> + <p class="i2">Road to Victory (The), 93</p> + <p class="i2">Snowing him under, 41</p> + <p class="i2">"Swooping from the West", 257</p> + <p class="i2">Victory First, 241</p> + <p class="i2">Waning of Faith (The), 273</p> + <p class="i2">Who Follows?, 141</p> + <p class="i2">Word of Ill Omen (A), 385</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p><font class="sc">Pegram, Fred.</font></p> + <p class="i2">Plain Duty (A), 87</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p><font class="sc">Raven-Hill, L.</font></p> + <p class="i2">Alimentary Intelligence, 235</p> + <p class="i2">Bad Dream (A), 315</p> + <p class="i2">Breaking of the Fetters (The), 179</p> + <p class="i2">Cannon-Fodder—and After, 267</p> + <p class="i2">Central Isolation, 167</p> + <p class="i2">Common Ideals, 379</p> + <p class="i2">Donnerwetter, 299</p> + <p class="i2">Dynastic Amenities, 251</p> + <p class="i2">Freedom of the Sea (The), 151</p> + <p class="i2">Good Riddance (A), 411</p> + <p class="i2">Great Uncontrolled (The), 347</p> + <p class="i2">Hoist with his own Petard, 395</p> + <p class="i2">Hypnotist (The), 331</p> + <p class="i2">Invaders (The), 191</p> + <p class="i2">Playing Smaller, 363</p> + <p class="i2">Rational Service, 103</p> + <p class="i2">Retort Celestial (The), 135</p> + <p class="i2">Rumourists (The), 219</p> + <p class="i2">Self-Protection, 283</p> + <p class="i2">Short Way with Tino (A), 19</p> + <p class="i2">War-Savings, 119</p> + <p class="i2">White House Mystery (The), 3</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p><font class="sc">Townsend, F.H.</font></p> + <p class="i2">Apple of Discord (The), 51</p> + <p class="i2">Bankrupt Bravos (The), 35</p> + <p class="i2">Unmade in Germany, 71</p> + </div> + </div> + +<h3>Articles.</h3> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p><font class="sc">Allen, Inglis.</font></p> + <p class="i2">Adjutant on Leave (The), 292</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p><font class="sc">Anderson</font>, Miss E.V.M.</p> + <p class="i2">Way not to pay Old Debts (A), 52</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p><font class="sc">Barfield, A.O.</font></p> + <p class="i2">Air-Castles, 101</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p><font class="sc">Berkeley</font>, Capt. R.C.</p> + <p class="i2">Jollymouse, 259</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p><font class="sc">Bird,</font> Capt. A.W.</p> + <p class="i2">Edward, 79</p> + <p class="i2">Fruit Merchant (The), 214</p> + <p class="i2">More Discipline, 1</p> + <p class="i2">New Danger (A), 108</p> + <p class="i2">Over-weight, 24</p> + <p class="i2">Tragedy of the Sea (A), 134</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p><font class="sc">Blaikley,</font> Miss Editha L.</p> + <p class="i2">Gems from the Juniors, 282</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p><font class="sc">Blair</font>, Miss F.K.</p> + <p class="i2">Romance of Rations (A), 150</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p><font class="sc">Brahms,</font> Miss M.</p> + <p class="i2">National Service, 317</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p><font class="sc">Bretherton, Cyril</font></p> + <p class="i2">Back to the Land, 254</p> + <p class="i2">Charivaria, weekly</p> + <p class="i2">Food Question (The), 272</p> + <p class="i2">His Master's Voice, 10</p> + <p class="i2">Oxford Revisited, 130</p> + <p class="i2">Plot Precautionary (The), 187</p> + <p class="i2">Reventlow Ruminates, 334</p> + <p class="i2">To Smith in Mesopotamy, 373</p> + <p class="i2">To Towser, 92</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p><font class="sc">Brown, A. Hilton</font></p> + <p class="i2">Tyrtæus, 327</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p><font class="sc">Browne,</font> Miss</p> + <p class="i2">Forward Minx (A), 113</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p><font class="sc">Brownlee, Leigh D.</font></p> + <p class="i2">Signs of the Times, 123</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p><font class="sc">Brymer, Cecil J.</font></p> + <p class="i2">Two Constables (The), 318</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p><font class="sc">Chandler,</font> Miss <font class="sc">Blanche W.</font></p> + <p class="i2">Hardships of Billets (The), 82, 122, 215</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p><font class="sc">Chaytor,</font> Rev. H.J.</p> + <p class="i2">Autre Temps—Autres Mœurs, 237</p> + <p class="i2">Fore and Aft, 276</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p><font class="sc">Cherrill</font>, Miss A.L.</p> + <p class="i2">Lucid Explanation (A), 64</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p><font class="sc">Clarke, E.F.</font></p> + <p class="i2">Infantryman (The), 76</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p><font class="sc">Cobb, Thomas</font></p> + <p class="i2">Broken Soldiers (The), 134</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p><font class="sc">Coleman, R.</font></p> + <p class="i2">Most important Thing (The), 268</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p><font class="sc">Dark, Richard</font></p> + <p class="i2">Emily's Mission, 358</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p><font class="sc">Darlington, W.A.</font></p> + <p class="i2">De Profundis, 213</p> + <p class="i2">Three Augusts, 74</p> + <p class="i2">Ways and Means, 346</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p><font class="sc">Dennis, G.P.</font></p> + <p class="i2">Diplomatic Notes, 298</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p><font class="sc">Down</font>, Capt.</p> + <p class="i2">Personal Pars from the Western Front, 50</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p><font class="sc">Drennan, Max</font></p> + <p class="i2">Meditations of Marcus O'Reilly, 372</p> + <p class="i2">Recent Truce (The), 112</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p><font class="sc">Drennan, W. St. G.</font></p> + <p class="i2">On the Spy-Trail, 316</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p><font class="sc">Du Cann, C.G.L.</font></p> + <p class="i2">As Others see Us, 102</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p><font class="sc">Eckersley, Arthur</font></p> + <p class="i2">Choking them off, 12</p> + <p class="i2">Docking the Drama, 301</p> + <p class="i2">New Note in Theatrical Advertising (The), 269</p> + <p class="i2">Problems for Pétroleuses, 139</p> + <p class="i2">Seasonable Novelties, 74</p> + <p class="i2">Spoop, 238</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p><font class="sc">Elias, Frank.</font></p> + <p class="i2">Fashions in Book-wear, 37</p> + <p class="i2">Our New Army of Women, 78</p> + <p class="i2">War's Romances, 107</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p><font class="sc">Elliot, W.G.</font></p> + <p class="i2">Weighed in the Balance, 254</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p><font class="sc">Ellis, D.C.</font></p> + <p class="i2">Lions at Play, 62</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p><font class="sc">Farjeon, Miss Eleanor.</font></p> + <p class="i2">Nursery Rhymes of London Town, 11, 26, 79, 106, 121</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p><font class="sc">Fish, W.W. Blair.</font></p> + <p class="i2">Cautionary Tales for the Army, 252, 309, 387</p> + <p class="i2">Co-operative Advertisements, 228</p> + <p class="i2">Herbs of Grace, 165, 178, 212, 227, 240</p> + <p class="i2">Mab Dreams of May, 276</p> + <p class="i2">Songs of Food Production, 86, 105, 129, 150, 355</p> + <p class="i2">Wars of the Past, 8, 29, 54</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p><font class="sc">Fox-Smith, Miss C.</font></p> + <p class="i2">Admiral Dugout, 224</p> + <p class="i2">'Ead-work, 55</p> + <p class="i2">"In Prize", 404</p> + <p class="i2">Jolly Bargeman (The), 320</p> + <p class="i2">"Let her go!", 205</p> + <p class="i2">Short way with Submarines (A), 378</p> + <p class="i2">Song of the Mill (The), 155</p> + <p class="i2">Tale of a Coincidence (A), 90</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p><font class="sc">Fyleman, Miss Rose.</font></p> + <p class="i2">Best Game the Fairies Play (The), 377</p> + <p class="i2">Fairies, 341</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p><font class="sc">Garstin, Crosbie.</font></p> + <p class="i2">Château in France (A), 318</p> + <p class="i2">Dream Ship (A), 46</p> + <p class="i2">Mud Larks (The), 86, 178, 218, 308, 330, 364, 382</p> + <p class="i2">Regimental Mascot (The), 21</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p><font class="sc">Garvey, Miss Ina.</font></p> + <p class="i2">Blanche's Letters, 234, 396</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p><font class="sc">Glasgow, Edwin.</font></p> + <p class="i2">Personal Triumph (A), 278</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p><font class="sc">Glasgow, Mrs. Robertson.</font></p> + <p class="i2">Winged Victory, 184</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p><font class="sc">Graves, C.L.</font></p> + <p class="i2">At Rest, 272</p> + <p class="i2">Booming of Books (The), 122</p> + <p class="i2">Classical America, 160</p> + <p class="i2">Diary of a Co-ordinator (The), 410</p> + <p class="i2">Flapper (The), 30</p> + <p class="i2">Fritz's Apologia, 222</p> + <p class="i2">Good old Gothic, 97</p> + <p class="i2">Hot Weather Correspondence, 362</p> + <p class="i2">House-Master (The), 357</p> + <p class="i2">Jill-of-all-Trades and Mistress of Many, 323</p> + <p class="i2">Joy-rider at the Front (The), 182</p> + <p class="i2">Maxims of the Months, 243</p> + <p class="i2">Ministerial Wail (A), 307</p> + <p class="i2">Missing Leader (The), 138</p> + <p class="i2">Musings of Marcus Mull (The), 381</p> + <p class="i2">My Watch, 162</p> + <p class="i2">Piccadilly, 384</p> + <p class="i2">Purified Prussian (The), 56</p> + <p class="i2">Random Flights, 330</p> + <p class="i2">Smile of Victory (The), 75</p> + <p class="i2">Song of Food-Saving (A), 173</p> + <p class="i2">Spiritual Sportsman (The), 14</p> + <p class="i2">Strife of Tongues (The), 278</p> + <p class="i2">To F.-M. Sir Douglas Haig, 419</p> + <p class="i2">To Mr. Balfour on his Return, 404</p> + <p class="i2">To my Godson, 193</p> + <p class="i2">Topical Tragedy (A), 213</p> + <p class="i2">To Stephen Leacock, 114</p> + <p class="i2">Travel without Trains, 81</p> + <p class="i2">'Twas Fifty Years Ago, 295</p> + <p class="i2">War's Surprises, 40</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p><font class="sc">Harris, A.</font></p> + <p class="i2">Double Entente, 277</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p><font class="sc">Herbert, A.P.</font></p> + <p class="i2">Ballade of Incipient Lunacy, 382</p> + <p class="i2">Open Warfare, 400</p> + <p class="i2">Zero, 336</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p><font class="sc">Holmes, W. Kersley.</font></p> + <p class="i2">Apology of a Warrior Minstrel, 149</p> + <p class="i2">Only Steggles (The), 30</p> + <p class="i2">Vicarious Reprisals, 368</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p><span class="pagenum"><a name="page424" id="page424"></a>[pg 424]</span></p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p><font class="sc">Howell, E.B.</font></p> + <p class="i2">Muscat, 6</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p><font class="sc">Image, Mrs.</font></p> + <p class="i2">Rations, 190</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p><font class="sc">Ince, R.B.</font></p> + <p class="i2">Paper Problem (A), 275</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p><font class="sc">Jay, Thomas.</font></p> + <p class="i2">Charivaria, weekly</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p><font class="sc">Jenkins, A.L.</font></p> + <p class="i2">Inn o' the Sword (The), 66</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p><font class="sc">Langley, Capt. F.O.</font></p> + <p class="i2">Watch Dogs (The), 4, 72, 120, 154, 192, 236, 286, 348, 415</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p><font class="sc">Lehmann, R.C.</font></p> + <p class="i2">Fate of Umbrellas (The), 66</p> + <p class="i2">Francis Cowley Burnand, In Memoriam, 288</p> + <p class="i2">From Lord Devonport's Letter-Bag, 230</p> + <p class="i2">German Measles, 246</p> + <p class="i2">Hat and the Visit (The), 406</p> + <p class="i2">Heart-to-Heart Talks, 18, 70, 102, 118, 162, 185, 250, 356, 414</p> + <p class="i2">Helping Lord Devonport, 146</p> + <p class="i2">Hexameters, 375</p> + <p class="i2">Peas and Pledges, 342</p> + <p class="i2">Proper Proportion (A), 266</p> + <p class="i2">Recognised (The), 215</p> + <p class="i2">Recognition, 34</p> + <p class="i2">School, 310</p> + <p class="i2">Tasty Dishes, 326</p> + <p class="i2">Tipinbanola (The), 98</p> + <p class="i2">Ultimus, 13</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p><font class="sc">Letts, Miss W.M.</font></p> + <p class="i2">General Post, 294</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p><font class="sc">Lipscomb, W.P.</font></p> + <p class="i2">Lessons of the War, 394</p> + <p class="i2">Weather-Vanes, 136</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p><font class="sc">Locker, W.A.</font></p> + <p class="i2">Essence of Parliament, weekly during Session</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p><font class="sc">Louis, Edward.</font></p> + <p class="i2">Follow-up Method (The), 44</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p><font class="sc">Lucas, E.V.</font></p> + <p class="i2">Art of Detachment (The), 128</p> + <p class="i2">Compliment (The), 144</p> + <p class="i2">Dissuaders (The), 398</p> + <p class="i2">Earlier Food Problems, 229</p> + <p class="i2">Ella Reeve, 180</p> + <p class="i2">Everlasting Romance (The), 169</p> + <p class="i2">Favorite (The), 194</p> + <p class="i2">Fifteen Tridges (The), 359</p> + <p class="i2">First Lines, 253</p> + <p class="i2">God-Makers (The), 388</p> + <p class="i2">Hints to Grosvenor House, 302</p> + <p class="i2">Italian in England (The), 244</p> + <p class="i2">Law Courts Theatre (The), 334</p> + <p class="i2">London's Little Sunbeams, 6</p> + <p class="i2">Loss (A), 222</p> + <p class="i2">Misgivings, 46</p> + <p class="i2">Misnomer (A), 270</p> + <p class="i2">More News from the Air, 277</p> + <p class="i2">One of our Difficulties, 324</p> + <p class="i2">Our Correspondence College, 80</p> + <p class="i2">Political Notes, 53</p> + <p class="i2">Revivals and Revisions, 284</p> + <p class="i2">Solace (The), 152</p> + <p class="i2">Taxis and Talk, 94</p> + <p class="i2">Three Dictators (The), 104</p> + <p class="i2">What did Mr. Asquith do?, 28</p> + <p class="i2">Who shall decide?, 370</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p><font class="sc">Lafone, H.C.</font></p> + <p class="i2">Just Sailors, 412</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p><font class="sc">McClelland, W.E.</font></p> + <p class="i2">Letters from Macedonia, 38, 64, 88</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p><font class="sc">McKay, Herbert.</font></p> + <p class="i2">Children's Tales for Grown-ups, 154, 173, 177, 193, 222, 240, 270, 288, 310</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p><font class="sc">MacLeod, L.R.</font></p> + <p class="i2">Charivaria, weekly</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p><font class="sc">Manders, Mrs.</font></p> + <p class="i2">Old Rhymes for Ration Times, 221</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p><font class="sc">Martin, N.R.</font></p> + <p class="i2">Current Event (A), 260</p> + <p class="i2">Extra Special (An), 2</p> + <p class="i2">Great Investment (The), 130</p> + <p class="i2">Local Food-Controller (A), 398</p> + <p class="i2">Whitehall Whisperings, 304</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p><font class="sc">Menzies, G.K.</font></p> + <p class="i2">General (The), 258</p> + <p class="i2">Scotland Yet, 214</p> + <p class="i2">Super-Char (The), 90</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p><font class="sc">Milne, A.A.</font></p> + <p class="i2">From a Full Heart, 285</p> + <p class="i2">Gold Braid, 181</p> + <p class="i2">Hereinafters, 314</p> + <p class="i2">Miniature (The), 36</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p><font class="sc">Mitchell, Miss G.M.</font></p> + <p class="i2">"It", 254</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p><font class="sc">Morrow, George.</font></p> + <p class="i2">Privilege, 161</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p><font class="sc">Naismith, J.K.B.</font></p> + <p class="i2">Acting-Bombardier, 140</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p><font class="sc">Ogilvie, W.H.</font></p> + <p class="i2">Bunny's Little Bit, 139</p> + <p class="i2">Call to the Cow Ponies (A), 349</p> + <p class="i2">Comrades, 237</p> + <p class="i2">First Whip (The), 168</p> + <p class="i2">Song of the Woodland Elves (A), 97</p> + <p class="i2">Top-o'-the-Morning, 22</p> + <p class="i2">Troop Horses, 302</p> + <p class="i2">Wimmin, 413</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p><font class="sc">Overton, John.</font></p> + <p class="i2">Pan Pipes, 398</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p><font class="sc">Ping, Miss Lilian G.</font></p> + <p class="i2">Dolls that did their Bit (The), 340</p> + <p class="i2">Mon Soldat et mon Curé, 170</p> + <p class="i2">Tactics, 13</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p><font class="sc">Platt, F.W.</font></p> + <p class="i2">To France, 269</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p><font class="sc">Plumbe, C.C.</font></p> + <p class="i2">My American Cousins, 339</p> + <p class="i2">Sherwood Foresters (The), 351</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p><font class="sc">Postlethwaite, H.A.</font></p> + <p class="i2">Secrets of Heroism (The), 351</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p><font class="sc">Preston-Tewart, A.</font></p> + <p class="i2">Emergency Rations, 244</p> + <p class="i2">Fleeting Detachment (A), 61</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p><font class="sc">Puckridge, W.H.</font></p> + <p class="i2">Poultice (The), 205</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p><font class="sc">Rigby, Reginald</font></p> + <p class="i2">Petherton and the Pluralist, 42</p> + <p class="i2">Petherton's Donkey, 106</p> + <p class="i2">Petherton's Publications, 350</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p><font class="sc">Roberts, P.V.</font></p> + <p class="i2">Algy, 410</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p><font class="sc">Roberts, R.H.</font></p> + <p class="i2">Flowerless Future (The), 220</p> + <p class="i2">Seed Potatoes for Patriots, 175</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p><font class="sc">Seaman, Owen</font></p> + <p class="i2">At the Play, 96, 186, 261, 326, 390</p> + <p class="i2">Faith and Doubt in the Fatherland, 34</p> + <p class="i2">Food of Love (The), 166</p> + <p class="i2">Golfer's Protest (The), 50</p> + <p class="i2">Great Sacrifice (The), 266</p> + <p class="i2">Hohenzollern Prospect (The), 218</p> + <p class="i2">Little Willie's Opinion of Father, 362</p> + <p class="i2">Mr. Punch in Russia, 421</p> + <p class="i2">Place of Arms (A), 330</p> + <p class="i2">Potsdam Altruist (The), 282</p> + <p class="i2">Prophetic Present (The), 346</p> + <p class="i2">School for Statesmen (A), 250</p> + <p class="i2">Stomach for the Fight, 298</p> + <p class="i2">Symposium of the Central Weaknesses, 234</p> + <p class="i2">Tactless Tactics, 102</p> + <p class="i2">T.M.G., 394</p> + <p class="i2">To Germania, 134</p> + <p class="i2">To Paris by the "Hindenburg Line", 190</p> + <p class="i2">To the German Military Picture Department, 70</p> + <p class="i2">To the Kaiser for his New Year, 2</p> + <p class="i2">Vienna-Bound: A Reverie en Route, 18</p> + <p class="i2">William <i>v.</i> the World, 118</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p><font class="sc">Shirley, J.</font></p> + <p class="i2">Vision of Blighty (A), 248</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p><font class="sc">Smith, Bertram</font></p> + <p class="i2">Ban on Racing (The), 410</p> + <p class="i2">Hindenburg Line (The), 256</p> + <p class="i2">Little Rift (The), 27</p> + <p class="i2">More or Less, 150</p> + <p class="i2">Not Wisely but too Well, 366</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p><font class="sc">Smith, C.T.</font></p> + <p class="i2">Wobbler (The), 239</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p><font class="sc">Stein, Capt. E. de</font></p> + <p class="i2">Sick, 291</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p><font class="sc">Swinhoe, R.</font></p> + <p class="i2">Mammal-Saurian War (The), 145</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p><font class="sc">Thomas, R.W.</font></p> + <p class="i2">Infanticide (The), 405</p> + <p class="i2">Told to the Marines, 300</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p><font class="sc">Thompson, Patrick</font></p> + <p class="i2">Appropriator of Tubers, 374</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p><font class="sc">Thorp, Joseph</font></p> + <p class="i2">At the Play, 14, 114, 174, 186, 292</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p><font class="sc">Tweeddale, Miss D.M.</font></p> + <p class="i2">Knight-errant (A), 20</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p><font class="sc">Wilkes, Henry E.</font></p> + <p class="i2">Excelsior, 270</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p><font class="sc">Williams, Miss Helen</font></p> + <p class="i2">Funeral of M. de Blanchet (The), 378</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p><font class="sc">Williams, R. Ll.</font></p> + <p class="i2">Convert (The), 38</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p><font class="sc">Woodward, Miss Barbara</font></p> + <p class="i2">National Sky-scraper (A), 166</p> + </div> + </div> + +<h3>Pictures and Sketches.</h3> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p><font class="sc">Armour, Major G.D.</font>, 12, 31, 83, 99, 131, 163, 231, 263, 293, 311, 327, 341, 371, 389, 407</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p><font class="sc">Bateman, H.M.</font>, 39, 199, 210, 303, 356, 367</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p><font class="sc">Baumer, Lewis</font>, 15, 23, 42, 61, 121, 140, 153, 170, 182, 193, 256, 287, 352, 368, 384, 416</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p><font class="sc">Belcher, George</font>, 7, 29, 37, 65, 111, 147, 161, 214, 261, 323, 351, 403, 413</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p><font class="sc">Bird, W.</font>, 10, 64, 173, 201, 208, 278, 281, 312, 344, 345</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p><font class="sc">Brightwell, L.R.</font>, 52, 223, 246, 406</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p><font class="sc">Brock, H.M.</font>, 47, 53, 94, 104, 129, 136, 185, 200, 220, 247, 279, 285, 343, 370, 381, 405</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p><font class="sc">Brock, R.H.</font>, 245</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p><font class="sc">Brook, Ricardo</font>, 4, 16, 28, 33, 49, 101, 120, 133, 188, 216, 217, 244, 260, 297, 316, 329, 358, 372, 408, 409</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p><font class="sc">Cobb, Ruth</font>, 236</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p><font class="sc">Coller, H.</font>, 137</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p><font class="sc">Cottrell, Tom</font>, 98, 364</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p><font class="sc">Dowd, J.H.</font>, 67, 89, 115</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p><font class="sc">Dowd, Leonard P.</font>, 116</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p><font class="sc">"Fougasse"</font>, 69, 97, 265, 284, 301, 313, 360</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p><font class="sc">Ghilchik, D.L.</font>, 392</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p><font class="sc">Grave, Charles</font>, 79, 373, 387, 412</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p><font class="sc">Harrison, Charles</font>, 20, 80, 112, 294, 377</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p><font class="sc">Hart, Frank</font>, 88, 127, 200, 288, 340</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p><font class="sc">Haselden, W.K.</font>, 14, 96, 114, 174, 186, 262, 292, 326, 390</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p><font class="sc">Heathcote, C.N.</font>, 17</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p><font class="sc">Helps, H.</font>, 396</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p><font class="sc">Henry, Thomas</font>, 117, 310, 348</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p><font class="sc">Jennis, G.</font>, 13, 139, 176, 228, 252, 276, 357</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p><font class="sc">Lunt, Wilmot</font>, 78, 230</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p><font class="sc">Mills, A. Wallis</font>, 258, 277</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p><font class="sc">Moreland, Arthur</font>, 72, 107</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p><font class="sc">Morrow, Edwin</font>, 44, 105, 144, 173, 213, 308, 332</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p><font class="sc">Morrow, George</font>, 32, 48, 68, 84, 100, 113, 132, 148, 164, 175, 204, 248, 264, 280, 296, 309, 319, 328, 335, 375, 383, 393, 420</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p><font class="sc">Norris, Arthur</font>, 232</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p><font class="sc">Packer, E.A.</font>, 85</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p><font class="sc">Partridge, Bernard</font>, 1</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p><font class="sc">Pegram, Fred</font>, 195</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p><font class="sc">Prance, Bertram</font>, 233, 342</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p><font class="sc">Raven-Hill, L.</font>, 36, 128, 196, 197, 206, 207, 271, 422</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p><font class="sc">Reynolds, Frank</font>, 8, 21, 40, 56, 81, 91, 108, 123, 143, 155, 175, 181, 197, 203, 209, 215, 259, 307, 320, 404</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p><font class="sc">Rountree, Harry</font>, 178, 414</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p><font class="sc">Shepard, Capt. E.H.</font>, 166, 227, 240</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p><font class="sc">Shepheard, G.E.</font>, 213</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p><font class="sc">Shepperson, C.A.</font>, 5, 24, 45, 76, 92, 110, 124, 156, 174, 187, 190, 253, 272, 325, 336, 359, 365</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p><font class="sc">Stampa, G.L.</font>, 26, 43, 73, 145, 159, 181, 201, 221, 237, 249, 275, 291, 300, 324, 339, 380, 400</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p><font class="sc">Tennant, Dudley</font>, 376</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p><font class="sc">Thomas, Bert</font>, 55, 95, 160, 168, 180, 192, 205, 229, 243, 349, 388, 397, 419</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p><font class="sc">Thorp, J.H.</font>, 75, 268</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p><font class="sc">Townsend, F.H.</font>, 11, 27, 63, 126, 142, 152, 158, 169, 172, 177, 184, 194, 198, 202, 212, 224, 226, 239, 242, 255, 269, 274, 290, 295, 304, 306, 317, 322, 333, 338, 354, 355, 361, 386, 391, 399, 402, 403, 415, 418</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p><font class="sc">Wilson, David</font>, 189</p> + </div> + </div> + + <div class="figcenter" style="width:33%;"> + <a href="images/461.png"><img width="100%" src="images/461.png" + alt="" /></a> + </div> + +<p> </p> +<p> </p> +<hr class="full" /> +<p>***END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI, VOL. 152, JUNE 27, 1917***</p> +<p>******* This file should be named 16113-h.txt or 16113-h.zip *******</p> +<p>This and all associated files of various formats will be found in:<br /> +<a href="https://www.gutenberg.org/dirs/1/6/1/1/16113">https://www.gutenberg.org/1/6/1/1/16113</a></p> +<p>Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions +will be renamed.</p> + +<p>Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no +one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation +(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without +permission and without paying copyright royalties. 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