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diff --git a/16113.txt b/16113.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..1f2559b --- /dev/null +++ b/16113.txt @@ -0,0 +1,2260 @@ +The Project Gutenberg eBook, Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 152, +June 27, 1917, by Various, Edited by Owen Seaman + + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + + + + +Title: Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 152, June 27, 1917 + + +Author: Various + +Editor: Owen Seaman + +Release Date: June 23, 2005 [eBook #16113] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ISO-646-US (US-ASCII) + + +***START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI, +VOL. 152, JUNE 27, 1917*** + + +E-text prepared by Jonathan Ingram, Keith Edkins, and the Project +Gutenberg Online Distributed Proofreading Team (https://www.pgdp.net) + + + +Note: Project Gutenberg also has an HTML version of this + file which includes the original illustrations. + See 16113-h.htm or 16113-h.zip: + (https://www.gutenberg.org/dirs/1/6/1/1/16113/16113-h/16113-h.htm) + or + (https://www.gutenberg.org/dirs/1/6/1/1/16113/16113-h.zip) + + + + + +PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI + +VOL. 152 + +JUNE 27TH, 1917 + + + + + + + +CHARIVARIA. + +The favourite reading of the Sultan of TURKEY is said to be criminal +literature. A gift-book in the shape of a new Life of the KAISER is about +to be despatched to him. + +* * * + +KING ALEXANDER of Greece originally proclaimed that he would "carry out his +father's sacred mandate." But when it was pointed out to him that, if this +was really his desire, an opportunity of following in his father's +footsteps would doubtless be granted him, he tried again. + +* * * + +During the last air raid we are told that the employees of one large firm +started singing "Dixie Land." We feel, however, that to combat the enemy's +aircraft much sterner measures must be adopted. + +* * * + +"The Huns' diet is low," says a correspondent of _The Daily Mail_. But then +their tastes are low too. + +* * * + +Writing of the recent Trentino offensive, Mr. HAMILTON FYFE says that +several Austrian forts captured by the Italians were built of solid ice. It +is time that London had some defences of this character. + +* * * + +The arrival of ex-KING TINO at Lugubrioso, on the Swiss-Italian frontier, +has been duly noted. + +* * * + +The LORD MAYOR of London has decided in future to warn the City of +impending air raids. Ringing the dinner-bell at the Mansion House, it is +thought, is the best way of making City men take to their covers. + +* * * + +A new epidemic, of which "bodily swellings" are the first symptom, is +reported by the German papers. And just when the previous epidemic of +head-swellings was beginning to subside. + +* * * + +A Marylebone boy, arrested for forgery, told the police that he had made +two complete L1 notes out of paper bags. Is this the paper-bag cookery of +which we have heard so much? + +* * * + +A market gardener told the Enfield Tribunal that a conscientious objector +whom he had employed was found asleep at his work on two successive days. +People with highly-strung consciences very rarely enjoy this natural and +easy slumber. + +* * * + +The American scientist who claims to have invented a substitute for tobacco +cannot have followed the movement of the age. We have been able to obtain +twopenny cigars in this country for years. + +* * * + +An applicant who said he had six children has been given six months' +exemption. A member of the Tribunal remarked that the exemption would mean +one month for each child. This great discovery proved too much for the poor +fellow, who is said to have collapsed immediately. + +* * * + +A new ship is being fitted out for Captain AMUNDSEN, who is to proceed +shortly with an Arctic exploration party. In case he should discover any +new land, arrangements have been made to hold a flag-day for the +inhabitants, if any. + +* * * + +Judging by the latest reports the Stockholm Conference is like the gun that +they didn't know was loaded. + +* * * + +Because his wife accused him of not loving her, a farmer of Husavik, +Manitoba, assaulted her with a pen-knife just to show that he did. + +* * * + +Special "storm troops"--men picked for their youth, vigour and daring, to +carry out counter-attacks--are now a feature of the German Armies. Even our +ordinary British soldiers, who are constantly compelled to take these brave +fellows prisoners, bear witness to the ferocity of their appearance. + +* * * + +Taxes on watering-places, it is announced, will be a feature of the new +French Budget. It is feared that this will bear hardly on breweries and +dairies. + +* * * + +We are not permitted to publish the name of the Foreign Office official who +strolled into a Piccadilly Bar last week and ordered a Clam-Martinic +cocktail. + +* * * + +According to a report of the National Physical Laboratory the Tower of +London is moving towards the Thames. The hot weather is thought to have +something to do with it. + +* * * + +The Board of Agriculture advises the killing of all old cocks and hens. +Lively competition between the railway refreshment rooms and the tyre +factories should ensure a satisfactory price. + +* * * + +The High Court at the Hague has ordered a new trial in the case of the +Editor of the _Telegraaf_, who was sentenced for referring to "a group of +rascals in the centre of Europe." The rascality of the persons in question +is now deemed to be proved beyond the shadow of a doubt. + +* * * + +The announcement that there will be no more Sunday music at the Zoo has +been received with satisfaction by the more conservative residents, who +have always complained that the presence of a band tended to reduce the +place to the level of a mere circus. + +* * * + +A well-known inn at Effingham having changed its name from the Bluecher to +the Sir Douglas Haig, it is further suggested that the name of the village +should be changed to Biffingham. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: "AY, POOR OLD BEN'S ROOINED BY THE WAR. ALL 'IS YARNS WOS +ABOUT _ABOVE-SEA_ PIRATES!"] + + * * * * * + +HOW TO CURE A WOUND. + +"A wounded soldier jumped or fell from a passing S.E.R. Red Cross train +between Swanley Junction and Bromley to-day. The train was running at about +twenty miles an hour. When picked up the man was found to be uninjured."-- +_Evening Paper._ + + * * * * * + +TITLE AND HALF-TITLE PAGES. + +With a view to economy of paper, the title and half-title pages of the +Volume which is completed with the present issue are not being delivered +with copies of _Punch_ as hitherto; they will however be sent free, by +post, upon receipt of a request. + +Those readers who have their Volumes bound at the _Punch_ Office, or by +other binders in the official binding-cases, will not need to apply for +copies of the title and half-title pages, as these will be bound in by the +_Punch_ Office or supplied direct to other binders along with the cases. + + * * * * * + +ALGY. + +Algy, it must be admitted, is no Adonis, but at least there is something in +his great round pudding-face and his cheery idiotic smile which gives one +the impression of a warm and optimistic nature. + +Algy is humble and not ambitious; but for all that he is doing his bit, +just as you and I are doing. He never goes on strike, and if he had any +money, which he never does have, I know he would invest it in War Loan. +Above all he is not a food-hog; not for him the forbidden potato or the +millionaire's beer--no! Against all luxuries Algy has resolutely steeled +his voluminous tummy. He has turned into the strictest of teetotalers, and, +though a glass of Scotch may bring a wistful look into his eyes, yet he +remains captain of his soul, unbroken as ST. ANTHONY. + +His job is war-work of the steeliest order, such as very few men would care +to undertake. All for the cause he stands, day after day, with a little +band of comrades, facing uncomplainingly the most terrible buffetings, so +that men may learn from him how to strike terror into the heart of the Hun. + +Needless to remark, he is beloved by all the Tommies who inflict such pain +upon the region of his gaudy blue waistcoat; he never seems to care and +never grouses, but beams down on them undaunted with that quaint old grin +of his. + +'Twas a great and solemn day when we installed him. Conspicuous by +his horrible suit of reach-me-downs, supported on one side by the +sergeant-major, on the other by the sergeant, he was led gently but firmly +out of his billet and initiated into his honourable task. + +Algy has but one grievance. He wants badly to sport a few golden stripes on +his cuff. He is modest and does not push himself forward, but as he has +several times been severely wounded be thinks it only fair that he should +receive the coveted distinction. But the authorities will not grant his +simple request because, they say, he has shed no blood. + +He has outlived all his compeers; lesser men may succumb but Algy goes on. +One day, I suppose, he will meet the common fate; but may that sorry day be +far ahead. For we could ill spare our Algy--our dear old bayonet dummy! + + * * * * * + + "INDIAN WAR LOAN.--The amount applied for in Rangoon yesterday was Rs. + 00,000, making the progressive total Rs. 00,00,000."--_Rangoon Times._ + +Nothing to boast about. + + * * * * * + +THE BAN ON RACING. + +Dear MR. PUNCH,--In this bitter controversy I hope that a few moderate and +impartial words from one, like myself, who sees clearly both sides of the +question, may not be out of place. In any case I feel it is incumbent upon +me to do all I can to avert the dire consequences of the frightful +catastrophe that has fallen upon us through the mad act of an insensate War +Cabinet. I can only say that if this is to be our spirit we are indeed +defeated. Where is our devotion to manly sports, so potent in the moulding +of our National character? What has become of our immemorial Right to Look +On? Where is our boasted liberty, deprived as we are now to be of a chance +to find the winner? What did WELLINGTON say of Waterloo? and MARLBOROUGH of +Blenheim? and BOTTOMLEY of the Battle of the Somme? By what perversity of +reasoning are we thus to asphyxiate the best instincts of our race? + +We are said to be fighting for all that we hold sacred. Yet there is +nothing that is held more sacred in every cottage home throughout the land +than the Preservation of our Bloodstock. Let us not deceive ourselves. It +is our supremacy in Bloodstock alone that makes possible the governess car, +the milk van, the brewer's dray, the very plough itself. These are +fundamental facts. + +It has been suggested that, in order to avoid the assembling of frivolous +crowds in war-time, races might be run in private. But that is quite +impracticable. Only on the public racecourse can the lofty virtues of our +British Bloodstock be displayed. The exciting presence of the crowd is +absolutely essential to tune up its nerve and temper. Already our +Bloodstock has suffered cruelly from gaps in the Grand Stand. + +Then again there are some who actually complain that petrol is consumed in +large quantities by those attending race meetings. Are we to put new heart +into our enemies by letting it be known that we are short of petrol? + +And finally there are some who so little understand the qualities of the +Thoroughbred as to suggest that gambling should be stopped in war-time. The +horse, unlike the Cabinet, is intelligent. Can he be expected to exhibit +his priceless qualities of speed and stamina if no one puts his money up? + +I need say no more. Such flippant legislation is bad enough at any time; +during the Armageddon period it is little short of treason. One wonders +when our Government will begin to realise that we are at war. + + I am, + Yours helpfully, as usual, + STATISTICIAN. + + * * * * * + +THE DIARY OF A CO-ORDINATOR. + +_June 17th._--Flew in an aeroplane to Los Angeles and correlated the +industrial functions of the East and West. Returned to the White House for +dinner, and co-ordinated grape juice with lemonade and Perrier. + +_June 18th._--Breakfasted with HEARST and co-ordinated him for half-an-hour +with the editor of _New York Life_, a task needing the highest diplomatic +qualities. Flew to Harvard and delivered lecture on Mr. BALFOUR'S Theology +as correlated with his style in golf. A great reception. Despatched report +by wireless to London, Paris and Petrograd. Returned to New York in the +afternoon and co-ordinated UPTON SINCLAIR, Colonel ROOSEVELT, TUMULTY and +CHARLES DANA GIBSON. + +_June 19th._--In the morning dictated articles for the _Novoe Vremya_, +_Matin_ and _Corriere della Sera_, emphasizing the need of co-operative +cosmopolitan co-ordination. Flew to Chicago to deliver supplementary +lecture to that given by ARTHUR BALFOUR on ARISTOTLE. Took for my subject +"Aerial Trade Routes, as co-ordinated with Terra-firma Routes for +Motor-lorries." Enthusiastic reception. Co-ordinative cold collation at 9 +P.M. at Philadelphia with GOMPERS, ROCKEFELLER, Mrs. ATHERTON and BILLY +SUNDAY. + +_June 20th._--Dictated article on the New Diplomacy for _The New York +Journal_. In the afternoon co-ordinated the tenets of Shin-Toism, Christian +Science and Mormonism. A heavy day. + +_June 21st._--Much annoyed by report of CURZON'S extraordinary speech in +the House of Lords. Called at the White House and the British Embassy to +put matters right, and sent wireless to CURZON: "Nothing 'succeeds' like +success." + + * * * * * + + "'Another medical certificate, Sir; you can't read them,' remarked a + solicitor to the chairman at the Devon Appeal Tribunal (Exeter Panel), + as he sought to decipher the hand- [Inverted: writing on one of those + documents. Previously in the day a certificate had been handed to + Lieutenant Stirling with the remark, 'You won't be able to read it.' + The] resourceful military representative, however, thought he might + succeed, and made the attempt."--_Exeter Express and Echo._ + +Standing on his head, we suppose. + + * * * * * + +Extract from a report of a sermon by Father BERNARD VAUGHAN:-- + + "They might as well go on to one of the main lines and attempt to stop + one of the engines gorging from Euston to Edinburgh."--_Express and + Echo_ (_Exeter_). + +Perhaps it would be wiser to refer the matter to the FOOD-CONTROLLER. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: A GOOD RIDDANCE. + +(The KING has done a popular act in abolishing the German titles held by +members of His Majesty's family.) ] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Bluejacket_ (_on torpedo-boat that has only just avoided +collision with a neutral steamer_). "I KNOW YOU LOVE ME, ALFONSO, BUT +THERE'S NO BLINKIN' NEED TO TRY AND KISS ME EVERY TIME WE MEET."] + + * * * * * + +JUST SAILORS. + +Betty, having made an excellent breakfast, thank you, slipped from her +chair and sidled round the table to me. Her father's guests are, naturally +and without exception, Betty's slaves, to do with as she deems best. To her +they are known, regardless of age, either by their Christian names or as +"Mr. --er." I had enjoyed the privilege of her acquaintance for five years, +but was still included in the second category. + +Betty has an appealing eye, freckles, and most fascinating red-gold hair, +and on the morning of which I write, after preparing the attack with the +first, she gently massaged my face with the second and third, the while +insinuating into my own a small hand not innocent of marmalade. Betty is +seven or thereabouts. "Mr. --er," she said, "what shall we be to-day?" + +"Let us," I replied hastily, "pretend to be not quite at our best this +morning, and have a quiet time in the deck-chairs on the lawn." Betty very +naturally paid no regard whatever to this cowardly suggestion. + +"I'm not quite sure," she said, "if we will be pirates or soldiers or just +sailors. What do you think?" + +Pirates sounded rather strenuous for so hot a day. Soldiers, I felt sure, +involved my becoming a German prisoner and parading the garden paths with +my arms up, crying "Kamerad!" while Betty, gun in hand, shepherded and +prodded me from behind. Just sailors, on the other hand, smacked of gentle +sculling exercise in the dinghy on the lake, so I said, "Let's be just +sailors." + +But a sailor's life, as interpreted by Betty, is no rest cure. On land it +includes an exaggerated rolling gait--itself somewhat fatiguing--and +intervals of active participation in that most exacting dance, the +hornpipe, to one's own whistling accompaniment. At odd moments, also, it +appears that the best sailors double briskly to such melodies as +"Tipperary" and "Keep the Home Fires Burning." + +It was only when we arrived by the lake-side that Betty observed my +gumboots; instantly a return to the house in search of Daddy's nautical +footgear was necessitated. This, though generous in dimensions, was finally +induced to remain in position on Betty's small feet, her own boots being, +of course, retained. + +The dinghy was launched and, after a little preliminary wading in the +gum-boots, the crew embarked. Betty's future profession will, I am sure, be +that of quick-change artist. In less than ten minutes she had risen from +cabin-boy to skipper, _via_ ordinary seaman, A.B., bo'sun and various +grades of mate. My rank, which had at the outset been that of admiral, as +speedily declined, until I was merely the donkey-engine greaser, whose +duties appeared to include that of helmsman (Betty is not yet an adept with +two sculls). + +Our vessel also changed its character with lightning rapidity. It was in +turn a ferry-boat--imitation of passengers descending the gangway by +rhythmical patting of hand on thwart; a hospital ship chased by a +submarine--cormorant's neck and head naturally mistaken for periscope; a +destroyer attacking a submarine--said cormorant kindly obliging with quick +diving act when approached; a food-ship laden with bananas represented by +rushes culled from the banks; and a smuggler running cargoes of French wine +contained in an elderly empty bottle discovered in the mud above high-water +mark. It was breathless work. + +The disaster occurred when Betty, against my maturer judgment, insisted +upon the exploration on foot of a mangrove swamp on the shore of a +cannibal-infested South Sea island. The immediate cause was a suddenly +developed attachment on the part of one of Daddy's sea-boots to the mud on +the lake-side. The twain refused to be parted, and the youthful explorer +measured her length in the mire. + +Generously overlooking my carelessness in not warning her that we were +traversing a quicksand, Betty, rather shaken, very muddy and with a +suspicion of tears in her voice, bound me by a blood-curdling nautical oath +not to breathe a word of the mishap to Mummy, Daddy or Miss Watt, her +governess. The pledge having been given, Betty, the offending boots +discarded, fled to her own room by way of the back-door. + +It was then twelve o'clock, and in the hour that remained before luncheon I +was fertile in excuses for Betty's absence from the scene; in fact, the +necessity for concealing the calamity quite marred what should have been a +time of well-earned relaxation. + +At last we sat down to the midday meal, and the members of the house-party +began to relate their morning's adventures. Finally some thoughtless person +said, "Well, Betty, and what mischief have you been up to?" + +Betty, quite recovered and with a radiant smile, replied, "Oh, Mr. --er and +I had a scrumptious time on the lake. We were sailors--just sailors--and +did all sorts of lovely things, didn't we, Mr. --er?" + +I agreed, and Betty went on to her peroration: + +"And at the very end Mr. --er was a tiger and I was a little small boy, and +he jumped on me out of the bushes and knocked me down in the mud" [O Betty! +O unjust sailor!], "and Miss Watt came in as I was changing my things. It +_was_ splendid, wasn't it--Reggie?" + +_Per ardua ad astra._ I had won my promotion to the commissioned ranks of +the Christian names. + + * * * * * + +WIMMIN. + + Behind wi' the sowin', + An' rent-day to meet, + For first time o' knowin' + John Buckham was beat; + Torpedoed an' swimmin' + An' fairly done in, + When someone said, "Wimmin + Would suit ye at Lynn." + + Dal Midwood, at Mutcham, + Who runs by old rules, + Said, "John, don't 'ee touch em-- + A pa'sel o' fules + Aye dabbin' an' trimmin' + Wi' powder an' pin; + No, don't 'ee have wimmin, + John Buckham, at Lynn." + + Well, back wi' the sowin', + An' rent-day to meet, + I had to get goin' + Or own I were beat. + The banks needed trimmin'; + The roots wasn't in; + 'Twas either take wimmin + Or walk out o' Lynn. + + They came. They was pretty + An' white o' the hand, + But good-heart an' gritty + An' chockful o' sand; + Wi' energy brimmin' + Right up to the chin-- + An' that sort o' wimmin + Was welcome at Lynn. + + At ploughin' they're able, + Or drainin' a fen, + They'll muck out a stable + As well as the men. + Their praises I'm hymnin', + For where would ha' bin, + If it weren't for the wimmin, + John Buckham, at Lynn? + +W.H.O. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Mrs Green. to Mrs. Jones_ (_who is gazing at an +aeroplane_). "MY WORD! I SHOULDN'T CARE FOR ONE OF _THEM_ FLYING THINGS TO +SETTLE ON ME."] + + * * * * * + + "The Cairo Governorate has engaged white-washers to whiten plate-forms + of points from which streets branch which will be compelled by the end + of next week, before the commencement of the gaz lanterns decrease take + place."--_Egyptian Gazette._ + +The Sphinx has been requested to furnish an explanation. + + * * * * * + +OUR INDOMITABLES. + +"THE ENGLISH GIRL. + +"STANDING IN WITNESS-BOX WITHOUT A QUIVER. + + "Rose ----, sixty-seven, ---- road, South Tottenham, a young girl, was + a witness in a London county court when the boom of guns and detonation + of bombs were heard."--_Daily Paper._ + +Our English girls to-day are only as old as they feel. + + * * * * * + + "Mrs. A. Thomson writes a vigorous protest against the carelessness + with which the W.F.L. resolution urging the Prime Minister to make + Woman Suffrage an integral part of the Bill, was acknowledged on his + behalf. The acknowledgment was as follows:-- + + "'I am directed by the Prime Minister to acknowledge the receipt of the + resolution which you have forwarded on the subject of the formation of + a Maternity Department in the new Ministry of Health.'"--_The Vote._ + +But was it carelessness, or humour? + + * * * * * + +HEART-TO-HEART TALKS. + + (_Herr Schultze and Herr Mueller, privates in a Prussian regiment of + Infantry._) + +_Schultze._ Leave will soon be over now and we shall have to go back to the +fighting. + +_Mueller._ Yes; it is not a very cheerful prospect. + +_Schultze._ No; that is a very true saying. And, what is more, there seems +no possible end to this War, though (_dropping his voice and looking +round_) we all hate it from the bottom of our hearts. + +_Mueller._ Yes, we all hate it. Indeed the hatred between me and the War +gets worse and worse every day. I don't care who hears me. + +_Schultze._ Don't be too bold; one never knows who may be listening. + +_Mueller._ It is to become mad. Why did we ever let the ALL-HIGHEST MAJESTY +begin such a war? We were all so comfortable, and then suddenly the +Austrian ARCHDUKE gets himself murdered and, piff-paff, we Germans must go +to war against Russia and France and England. I am very sorry for the +ARCHDUKE, but there were other Archdukes to supply his place, and even if +there had not been I do not think he himself was worth the four millions of +killed, wounded and prisoners whom we have lost since the guns began to go +off. + +_Schultze._ It is terrible to think of. And the sausages get worse and +worse, and the beer costs more and more and is not like beer at all. + +_Mueller._ And the English have good guns and plenty of them, and know +colossally well how to use them; and they have millions of men--more than +we have; and their soldiers are brave--almost as brave as our own soldiers. +They have certainly won some victories, it seems. + +_Schultze._ So it seems; but our Generals have not told us much about it. + +_Mueller._ And we all thought they had only a contemptible little army. + +_Schultze._ Yes, that was what the ALL-HIGHEST said. + +_Mueller._ The ALL-HIGHEST has also said several times that our soldiers +would be back in their homes before the leaves fell from the trees, and +here are you and I doomed to go away from our homes in the third year of +the war. It would be better, I think, if the ALL-HIGHEST did not always +speak so much and tried honestly to bring us a good solid peace. + +_Schultze_ (_with a deep sigh_). Peace? I do not think we shall ever have +peace again. And the winning of victories seems to push it always further +away from us. At that rate what is the use of victories? + +_Mueller._ Then you don't believe that the U-boats can starve England into +surrender? + +_Schultze._ Certainly I don't. Do you know anyone that does believe in that +fairy story? All that the U-boats have really effected up to the present +has been to bring in America on the side of our enemies. + +_Mueller._ That doesn't matter. The Americans have no army. + +_Schultze._ Wasn't that what we said about the English? You yourself said +it as loudly as anyone else at the beginning. + +_Mueller._ The fact is this War has gone on too long. A war for six weeks, +that one can endure; but when it goes on for years-- + +_Schultze._ Yes, that is not so pleasant, though the KAISER is always +talking about hacking through and having an iron fist and being a wall of +steel and other things of that sort. + +_Mueller._ Oh, he! I'm tired to death of his speeches and his prancing +about. Again I say I don't care who hears me. We have done enough for +glory; isn't there something we can do for peace? + +_Schultze._ No, nothing--and you know it. It is more likely we shall end in +prison if we talk like this. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: "I WARN YOU, SIR! THE DISCOURTESY OF THIS BANK IS BEYOND ALL +LIMITS. ONE WORD MORE AND I--I WITHDRAW MY OVERDRAFT."] + + * * * * * + +"NAVAL APPOINTMENTS. + +"ROYAL NAVAL RESERVE. + + "Mr. J.R. MACDONALD entered as Skipper (temp.)"--_The Times._ + +If this is how the Government hopes to get the Member for Leicester to +Petrograd there is still the difficulty of enlisting a crew (temp.) + + * * * * * + + "Successful raids were carried out by us during the night east of + Lagnicourt (two or three metres south of Bullecourt)."--_Evening Times + and Echo._ + +For the sake of precision we could have wished that the measurement had +been worked out to inches. + + * * * * * + + "Thousands on foot and in every kind of vehicle visited the grisly + relic. A Sunday school teacher marched the girls of her class to the + place. Some 80ft. of her nose-end is stuck aslant in the air."--_Daily + Mail._ + +Not every woman is so well-equipped for showing contempt of the enemy. + + * * * * * + + "Wanted, Coachman-Chauffeur, 'Over-land' Car (Protestant), over + military age."--_Londonderry Sentinel._ + +Whatever its religion a car of this age must be almost past praying for. + + * * * * * + + "The sort of women who literally make ducks and drakes of their duty as + the family administrator."--_Spectator._ + +Having regard to the high price of poultry might not the new +Food-Controller get these women to explain how they do it? + + * * * * * + +THE BUFFER'S VINDICATION. + + I haven't fought, I haven't dug, I've worn no special caps, + Too little has my country, sure, had from me; + _But_ I've never talked of "strafe-ing" anyone for any lapse, + And I've never called a fighting man a "Tommy." + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Old Soldier_ (_trying to "swing the lead"_). "WELL, SIR, I +CAN'T NEITHER EAT, SLEEP NOR DRINK, SIR." + +_M.O._ (_in a spasm of enthusiasm_). "MY GOOD MAN! THE ARMY WANTS A +BATTALION LIKE YOU!"] + + * * * * * + +THE WATCH DOGS. + +LXII. + +MY DEAR CHARLES,--I've become so artful these days in disguising identities +under assumed names that I'm hanged if I can remember myself which of my +people is which. Still I daresay your own memory isn't too good, so we'll +call him Ross this time, and trust to luck that that is what we called him +last time. He is that one of my friends and fellow sinners who was plugging +along nicely at the Bar in 1914, and was just about to take silk, when he +changed his mind, came to France and got mixed up in what he calls "this +vulgar brawl on the Continent." After nearly three years of systematic +warfare in the second line he has at last achieved the rank of full +lieutenant, which is not so bad for a growing lad of forty-five; and is +running one of those complicated but fascinating side-shows which, to +oblige Their Exigencies, we have to label Queer Trades, and leave at that. + +Whether his department is or is not making history it is certainly one +which calls for a vast amount of special knowledge in its _personnel_. +Ross, having been at the Bar, knows nothing and knows that he knows +nothing, but is able to pretend to know just enough to keep his end up with +Thos. J. Brown, who, disguised as a corporal, really runs the business. +"Our Mr. Brown," as Ross calls him, is one of those nice old gentlemen who +wear large spectacles and cultivate specialist knowledge on the intensive +system. Owing to his infallibility in all details and upon all occasions he +was much sought after in peace time by the larger commercial houses. When +War broke out our Mr. Brown disdained peace. He made at once for the Front; +but his aged legs, though encased in quite the most remarkable puttees in +France, were found to be less reliable than his head, and he was held up on +his way to the trenches and diverted to the stool of Ross's office. + +He began by putting some searching and dreadfully intelligent questions to +Ross; dissatisfied with Ross's answers, he concentrated his mind on the +business for twenty-four consecutive hours, at the end of which period he +was the master of it in more senses than one. Since that time Ross has +ensured the efficient running of his office by keeping out of it when it is +busy. When for appearance sake he has to be there he does as his Mr. Brown +tells him, and never wastes the latter's time by arguing. + +In the Army, all fleas have bigger fleas upon their backs to bite 'em. Were +this not so somebody would have to act upon his own responsibility, and +that, as you will admit, would make war an impossibility. Accordingly in +every department there is a series of authorities, starting with "other +ranks" at the bottom, proceeding in an ascending scale of dignity and +worth, and disappearing through a cloud of Generals into an infinite of +which no man knoweth the nature. Thus, with Ross's business (to take the +tail end of it) the letter which the Corporal writes the Lieutenant signs +on behalf of the Major. It is when the Major wants to do something more +active that trouble arises. Let us take an incidental matter of +administrative detail for example, setting it forth, as all military +matters should be set forth, in paragraphs, separately numbered:-- + +1. Lt. Ross possessed a bicycle, motor, one. No. 54321 L/Cpl. Burt +possessed feet, two, only. Ross had no occasion, ability or disposition to +ride a motor bicycle. No. 54321 could neither do his business nor enjoy +life afoot. Accordingly, No. 54321 rode the bicycle, while, for the +purposes of what is known to better people than ourselves as Establishment, +Ross owned it. But that was in the good old days, before Traffic and Police +and all the Others interested themselves. + +2. The first thing Traffic did was to say that all owners of motor bicycles +must own cards, and produce them when demanded. That was easy: No. 54321 +got the card. Then Police issued some vague but menacing literature with +regard to the fate of people who stole other people's property or failed to +stick to their own. There was no difficulty about this; Ross publicly +fathered the thing. + +3. Traffic, issuing new cards, said next that all owners of cards must also +own bicycles. Realising the quandary, Ross was for saying he wouldn't play +any more, but would declare a separate peace. His Mr. Brown however got up +a long and intricate correspondence, at the end of which Ross was still +owner and No. 54321 was still rider; both had cards, and all the +authorities had, unknowingly, made themselves parties to the fraud. + +Suddenly the Major declared his intention of putting the whole of Ross's +establishment (including bicycle) on what he called a satisfactory basis by +a series of orders which he proposed to draft himself. Ross, always ready +to be put on a satisfactory basis by anybody, took note of the draft, and +laid it before his Mr. Brown. The latter was aghast, and proved, by +infallible reasons, the fatal results which would follow if the matter was +stirred up. Ross made a careful note of the reasons, and laid them before +the Major. The Major explained gently that discipline was discipline. And +so Ross went to and fro between the two, until the Major said, "Really, +Ross!" and his Mr. Brown said, "I'm very sorry, Sir, but there it is;" and +yet Ross couldn't sack his Major, and he couldn't break away from his Mr. +Brown. + +He was between the Devil and the Deep Sea. What was he to do about it? +Well, he just told the Deep Sea to keep calm a little longer, and went and +waited outside the Devil's Mess. He saluted and asked the Devil if he'd +care to come for a walk, and, the latter consenting, he led him to the Deep +Sea. Then, when the Devil himself had been introduced to the Deep Sea +itself, Ross slipped off and left them in his office to fix it up between +themselves. + +Ross dined with the Major that night, and the latter said he wasn't feeling +at all well. The way Ross's Mr. Brown had licked his thumb and the +lightning speed with which he had turned up exactly the right +correspondence, office minute or Routine Order, had nearly given the Major +heart disease. Besides, he'd lost the argument. "I was too heavily +handicapped from the start," said he, "by not being in a position to lick +_my_ thumb or to stick _my_ pencil behind my ear." + +It was a good idea to introduce the Major and Mr. Brown, wasn't it, +Charles? The Major says he was the first to suggest it, and Ross is careful +to leave the credit with the Major, because he is sure that the idea really +originated in the fertile and masterful brain of his Mr. Brown. + +Yours ever, + +HENRY. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: MISS DAISY DIMPLE, THE REVUE FAVOURITE, SELLS FLAGS.] + + * * * * * + +ANOTHER IMPENDING APOLOGY. + +From a South African Parish Magazine:-- + + "Many thanks to the Rev. ---- and the Rev. ---- for coming to St. ---- + during the past month. The Rector went off to Clifton and Park Town, + and enjoyed the change almost as much as the congregation." + + * * * * * + + "A bird flew into Willesden Court yesterday and perched above the + magistrate's head. + + "Alderman Pinkham: 'It's not often we 'get the bird' on the bench.'" + +But the "Beak" is there all the time. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: THE JUDGMENT OF PARIS: LATEST INVERSION. + +{CONSERVATISM, LIBERALISM, LABOUR.} +"DON'T FORGET, DEAR LADY, WHEN THE TIME COMES, THAT IT +WAS _I_ WHO GAVE YOU THE APPLE."] + + * * * * * + +ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT. + +_Monday, June 18th._--Arising out of the dethronement of TINO a cloud-burst +of questions descended upon Lord ROBERT CECIL, who took refuge under a +wide-spreading umbrella of official ignorance. Mr. LYNCH was annoyed +because his question whether the Allies would oppose the foundation of a +Greek Republic was dismissed as "hypothetical," but Lord ROBERT assured him +that there was "nothing abusive" in the epithet. But is that so? Suppose he +were to describe Mr. LYNCH as a "hypothetical statesman"? + +A detailed history of a Canterbury lamb, from its purchase in New Zealand +at 6-3/8_d._ a pound to its sale to the British butcher at 10-1/2_d._, was +given by Mr. GEORGE ROBERTS. He threw no light, however, on the problem why +it should double in price before reaching the consumer. This is engaging +the anxious consideration of Lord RHONDDA, who declares that there is no +adequate economic reason why Little Mary should have only a little lamb. + +In the House of Commons as in a music-hall you can always get a laugh by +referring to "the lodger." Whether the lodger, who is considered quite good +enough to vote for a mere Member of Parliament, should also be allowed a +voice in the election of really important people like town councillors was +the theme of animated discussion. It ended ultimately in the lodger's +favour, with the proviso that the apartments he occupies should be +unfurnished. On such niceties does the British Constitution depend. + +_Tuesday, June 19th._--Mr. BALFOUR received a warm welcome from all +sections of the House on making his first appearance after his return from +America. Even the ranks of Tuscany, on the Irish benches, could not forbear +to cheer their old opponent. Besides securing American gold for his +country, he has transferred some American bronze to his own complexion, and +has, if anything, sharpened his faculty for skilful evasion and polite +repartee by his encounters with Transatlantic journalists. + +In the course of the daily catechism on the subject of air-raids Mr. +MACMASTER inquired, "Why is it that Paris appears to be practically immune, +while London is not?" The answer came, not from the Front Bench, but from +the Chair, and was delivered in a tone so low that even the Official +Reporter failed to catch it. That is a pity, because it furnishes a useful +hint for Ministers. In future, when posed with futile or embarrassing +questions about the War, let them follow the SPEAKER'S example, and simply +say, "You must ask the KAISER!" + +[Illustration: THE BETTER PART OF VALOUR. + +_Sir Frederick Smith._ "WHAT'S THE GOOD OF STRUGGLING?"] + +[Illustration: _Literary Dame_ (_at bookstall_). "HAVE YOU ANY BOOKS BY +THAT RISING YOUNG NOVELIST, LORD HUGH CECIL?".] + +In a perfectly free division, in which Ministers and ex-Ministers were +mixed up together in both Lobbies, woman's right to be registered as a +Parliamentary elector was affirmed by 385 votes to 55. Some capital +speeches were made on both sides, but if any of them turned a vote it was +probably the cynical admission of the ATTORNEY-GENERAL that he was as much +opposed to female suffrage as ever, but meant to vote for it because it was +bound to come. This probably had an even greater effect upon the average +Member, who is not an idealist, than the nutshell novelette in which Lord +HUGH CECIL lightly outlined the possible future of the female politician. + +_Wednesday, June 20th._--Military metaphors come naturally to the Duke of +MARLBOROUGH. Yet I cannot think he was happily inspired when, in reminding +the farmers of their duty to put more land under the plough, he compared +the compulsory powers of the Board of Agriculture to a sword in its +scabbard, and hoped there would be no necessity to rattle it. Everybody +knows that the sword in question is a converted ploughshare, and that it +rests with the War Office to turn it back again. + +Last night fifty-five Members resisted Votes for Women. By this afternoon +twenty-five of them had so far changed their minds as to protest against +the limitation of the privilege to women over thirty. Major ROWLAND HUNT, +convinced that women would soon vote themselves into the House, expressed a +naive preference for "young 'uns." + +_Thursday, June 21st._--During Sir EDWARD GREY'S long tenure of the Foreign +Secretaryship he rarely visited the House of Commons more than twice a +week. Until his voyage to the United States, Mr. BALFOUR was even less +attentive to his Parliamentary duties and left most of the "donkey-work"-- +if one may so describe the business of answering the questions of curious +Members--to Lord ROBERT CECIL. Since his return Mr. BALFOUR has developed a +new zest for this pastime, and to-day for the third time in succession +appeared in his place. Everybody is pleased to see him there, except +perhaps the curious Members aforesaid, who find him even more chary of +information than his deputy. Had not the PRESIDENT of the United States +said something about Alsace-Lorraine? ventured Corporal LEES-SMITH. Mr. +BALFOUR, fresh from the White House, blandly replied, "I do not propose to +discuss President WILSON'S Notes." + +The notion, prevalent at the beginning of the War, that every German waiter +was an emissary of the KAISER, only awaiting "The Day" when he should +return to take a full revenge for meagre gratuities, still subsists in +certain minds. Mr. BROOKES was manifestly disappointed when Dr. MACNAMARA +assured him that the aeronaut captured in the recent raid was not, as he +supposed, one of these returned Ganymedes, but was making his first +appearance on English soil. + + * * * * * + + "A small fire at a variety theatre burnt some dresses all up, but the + revue went on as usual."--_Berrow's Worcester Journal._ + +No need to worry over little things like that. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Long-suffering Sergeant._ "WE GOT ANOTHER ARF-HOUR TO GO +YET. _I_ DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH YER." + +_Rookie_ (_suggestively_). "THERE'S SOME TREES OVER THERE, SERGEANT." + +_Sergeant._ "YES, I KNOW. BUT THERE AIN'T ANY ROPES."] + + * * * * * + +TO FIELD-MARSHAL SIR DOUGLAS HAIG. + +JUNE 19TH, 1917. + + Sir, though in dealing with the strong and straight + Of sentiment one cannot be too thrifty, + Still, after reading your despatch--the date + Chimes with your birthday, _aetat_ six-and-fifty-- + A humble rhymer, though denied by fate + Possession of the high poetic "giftie," + May yet express the hope it won't displease you + To see yourself as one plain person sees you. + + Some call you cold, because you are not prone + To bursts of eloquence or flights of feeling; + You do not emulate the fretful tone + Of those who turn from boastfulness to squealing; + Your temperament, I am obliged to own, + Is not expansive, Celtic, self-revealing; + But some of us admire you none the less + For your laconic simple truthfulness. + + No doubt you would provide far better "copy" + To the industrious drivers of the quill + If you were more emotional and sloppy, + More richly dowered with journalistic skill; + To make despatches blossom like the poppy + You never have essayed and never will; + In short, you couldn't earn a pound a week + As a reporter on _The Daily Shriek_. + + Frugal in speech, yet more than once impelled + To utter words of confidence and cheer, + Whereat some dismal publicists rebelled + As premature, ill-founded, insincere-- + Words none the less triumphantly upheld + By Victory's verdict, resonantly clear, + Words that inspired misgiving in the foe + Because you do not prophesy--you _know_; + + Steadfast and calm, unmoved by blame or praise, + By local checks or Fortune's strange caprices, + You dedicate laborious nights and days + To shattering the Hun machine to pieces; + And howsoe'er at times the battle sways + The Army's trust in your command increases; + Patient in preparation, swift in deed, + We find in you the leader that we need. + + * * * * * + + "The temperature in Berlin yesterday was 131 degrees Centigrade, which + is the highest temperature since 1848."--_Daily Dispatch._ + +Equal to about 268 degrees Fahr. and quite hot enough to keep the Imperial +Potsdam boiling. + + * * * * * + + "A correspondent who knows a great deal about the coat trade says there + is going to be great difficulty in obtaining coal during the coming + winter."--_Torquay Times._ + +This will confirm the belief that the shortage of fuel is not unassociated +with the vested interests. + + * * * * * + + "We, on the other hand, are just as much entitled, under any sane code + of morals, to bombard Kerman towns as to shoot German soldiers on the + field."--_The Globe._ + +We think, however, that the inhabitants of these Persian towns might +reasonably object to such vicarious reprisals. + + * * * * * + +OUR BOOKING-OFFICE. + +(_By Mr. Punch's Staff of Learned Clerks._) + +Our moorland novelists are of two schools. One of them depicts the dwellers +on these heights as a superior race, using a vocabulary half Biblical, half +minor-poetic, in which to express the most exalted sentiments; the other +draws a picture of upland domesticity comparable to that found in a cage of +hyenas. Mr. HALLIWELL SUTCLIFFE, though he is too skilled an artist to +overdo the colouring, inclines (I am bound to say) so much towards the +former method that I confess to an uneasy doubt, at times, whether any +human families could maintain existence on the same plane of nobility as, +for example, the _Holts_ in his latest romance, _Lonesome Heights_ (WARD, +LOCK). These _Holts_ were a race of farmer-squires, and in the book you see +their development through two generations: the masterful old man and his +twin sons. This is all the tale; a simple enough record, but full of the +dignity and beauty which make the reading of any story by this author a +refreshment to irritated nerves. Towards the end some space is devoted to +the fight to abolish child-labour in the dale mills; there is also a +scandal, and the fastening of blame upon the wrong brother; no very great +matter. It is for such scenes as that of the death of old _Holt_, and his +last words to the horse that has thrown him, that _Lonesome Heights_ will +earn its place on your library list. + + * * * * * + +_The Dice of the Gods_ (HEATH, CRANTON) is not, as the title suggests, +something rather thrilling in the way of romantic fiction, but one of those +dispassionate novels in which the author, through the medium of his +puppets, gently scourges the follies of society. _William van der Beck_, +whose fictional house of clay very obviously clothes the spiritual essence +of the author, Mr. LUCIAN DE ZILWA, returns to his native Colombo with a +liberal education, to find that the life and thought of the strange +Indo-European bourgeoisie to which he belongs by birth present no alluring +features. In point of fact the ambitions and hypocrisies, pretences and +prejudices of the Cingalese "burgher" with the tell-tale finger-nails are +merely those of Bristol or Amsterdam evolved under Colonial conditions. +_Jack van der Beck_, for example, the pompous medical ass with a +flourishing practice among the local nabobs, can be found in every +provincial town in Europe. _The Dice of the Gods_ has no plot worthy of the +name, but Mr. DE ZILWA has both satire and philosophy at his command, and a +flair for atmosphere. His scenery and "props" too will be new even to the +most hardened novel-reader. He paints a vivid Oriental background with +which the semi-Western civilization of his characters alternately blends +and contrasts rather effectively. + + * * * * * + +Mr. TRESIDDER SHEPPARD'S _The Quest of Ledgar Dunstan_ (DUCKWORTH) is one +of those half-sequels of which, while it remains true that You Can Start +Here, you will get a better grip with some previous knowledge of the +earlier story about the same people. Not that your hold upon the present +book will, even then, be other than slightly precarious. For my own part I +seldom met anything so elusive. I freely grant that it is original, +thoughtful and provocative, but the effect it produces is rather like that +of _Jaberwocky_ upon _Alice_ ("It fills me with ideas, only I don't know +what they are!"). At first one seemed in for a comedy of disillusion. +_Ledgar_ and _Mary_, united, are met with in the process of living +unhappily ever after. This is clear enough, human (unfortunately) and +amusing. It was, for one thing, _Mary's_ habit of misquotation that got +upon _Ledgar's_ nerves. "Alas, poor Garrick!" was one of her typical +lapses. Nor was _Ledgar_ himself more of a success with _Mary_, who found +him (and here my sympathies went over to her) lacking in force and +coherence. But as _Mary_ eloped with somebody else at the end of part one +she hadn't my prolonged experience of _Ledgar's_ incomprehensibility. Nor +did the question of his semi-lunatic friend worry her, or the whole problem +of what, if anything, was the motive of the book. Eventually he is shown +pairing off with his earlier love, _Winnie_; and I am bound to say that she +too has my sympathy. I should sum up by saying that the analysis of +introspective egotism, however subtly done, can make at best only an +exasperating story. + + * * * * * + +In _By the Waters of Africa_ (ROBERT SCOTT) Miss NORMA LORIMER has +described her British East African travels in a series of letters, in which +she shows a very real sense of style and a delightful assumption of her own +unimportance. To people suffering from the books of travellers who seem +more anxious to air themselves than to give impressions of the countries +through which they have passed, it will be a pure relief to find an author +who suppresses herself and really gets on with her business. Thanks to her +friends, whose kindness she frankly acknowledges, Miss LORIMER was able to +see native life under conditions impossible to a less privileged traveller, +and she misses no feature in it that is either humorous or enlightening. It +is a model book of its kind, valuable up to a certain point and always +pleasant to read. Some of the author's adventures might easily have excused +a reckless use of notes of exclamation. But only once does she give way to +this weakness, and this I pardon her, for I should always use one myself on +the eve of starting for the Mountains of the Moon. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: NEW SPORTS FOR OLD. + +SNAIL-STALKING IN THE SUBURBS.] + + * * * * * + +FOR THE HONEYMOON? + + "Lady wants quiet summer accommodation; near bees."--_Scotsman._ + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: Epilogue] + +MR. PUNCH IN RUSSIA. + +In the last Epilogue, where Mr. Punch was described as paying a call upon +our brave soldiers in a German prison-camp, I confessed that I didn't +understand how he got there in the body. To-day I have to report a far +simpler enterprise. This time he has merely been on a mission to Russia. +Anybody can do that, unless the Sailors' and Firemen's Union mistake him +for Mr. RAMSAY MACDONALD and no one has yet made this error in respect of +Mr. Punch. + +His brilliant mastery of the Russian language is a harder thing to believe; +but, as nothing is said of an interpreter, I must suppose that he had been +quietly and painfully taking lessons in this very difficult tongue. Anyhow, +you must picture him, at some spot not specified, addressing a concourse of +enthusiastic Revolutionaries. I propose to give a brief summary of his +speech, from which you will gather that he spoke to them like a father, and +that, while he showed a cordial sympathy with the cause of Russian freedom, +he did not hesitate to deliver himself of some very straight home-truths. + +"Friends, Russians, Allies," he began; "I come on behalf of my +fellow-countrymen" (you know his touching way of regarding himself as the +medium of the best intelligence to be found in the British Empire) "to +convey their affectionate sympathy with you in your triumph over the +tyranny of Tsardom. At first we took the natural and hopeful view that your +Revolution, supported by all that was noblest in all ranks of your society, +was the result of bitter dissatisfaction with the conduct of the War, and +with the secret and sinister enemy influences which were at work to ruin +your chances in the common fight against Kaiserism. + +"Yet it was immediately followed by wholesale desertions from the +firing-line and a general disintegration of military discipline. It seems, +then, that we were wrong; for otherwise it would be a curious irony that a +movement designed for the better conduct of the War should produce a +complete stagnation on your fighting fronts; or, to look at it from another +point of view, that a Revolution which owed its success to the War, since, +in such a war as this, the Army and the nation are one, should have, for +its immediate consequence, an apparent failure on your part to remember the +purpose for which the War is being fought. + +"No doubt many motives were at work, and it was perhaps natural that in the +joy of your new-found freedom you should be tempted to forget the +conditions that had made it possible, and to regard the War as something +outside and remote, and its importance as small compared with the +achievement of internal liberty. + +"Well, we have tried patiently to see things with your eyes, and now you in +your turn must please make an effort to see them with ours. From the first, +when we in England took on this War, we recognised that the country which +was bound to get most good out of it was Russia. For her we hoped that it +was to be in the fullest sense a War of Liberation. Your Allies would win +liberty from external menace, but you would also see the bonds of internal +tyranny broken. The TSAR, the little father of his people, had a chance, +such as falls to few, of giving to his nation something of the true freedom +that we in England know. + +"He missed his chance. We will not ask why, but he missed it. Yet by other +means the War has been for you a War of Liberation, and, if you break your +pledge to see it through, you do not deserve your freedom. Nay more, you +run the risk of losing it; or, if, through the steadfastness of your sworn +Allies, you keep it, then you keep it at the cost of sacrificing the +friendship and sympathy of all free nations who are fighting in the cause +of liberty; and, on those terms, your own freedom is not worth having. + +"Some of you argue that Russia's pledge to her Allies was an Imperialist +pledge and that you have the right to ignore it. Have you forgotten so soon +that the prime cause of Russia's entry into this quarrel was that Austria +had threatened to crush a free nation, Serbia, whose race and faith are +yours? Besides, a pledge like that is still a pledge, though governments +may change. Would you have it so that no people, from this time on, shall +trust the word of Russia for fear that a new _regime_ might repudiate it? + +"We have been patient and made allowances. We know that a great nation like +yours cannot overthrow an age-long tyranny without being shaken through +every fibre of its being. Time was needed for you to recover your balance +and to resume a sane view of your obligations to others than yourselves. So +we have been patient, and are patient still, though the inaction on your +Front and your withdrawal from your part in the common struggle have made +our burden in France far harder to bear. + +"If you fail us, we shall no less fight on, we others. 'We shall march +prospering--not through your presence.' We shall fight on till the ideals +of Kaiserism, your worst enemy, are crushed. America, that great Republic +that loves peace as passionately as you, will take your place, will fill up +the gap that you leave in the ranks of those who fight for freedom. And we +shall fight till we get the true peace that we want--not the peace which +some of you have advocated, fraternising with the common foe, listening to +the specious pleas of those who shirk the one test of their honesty when +they are asked to revolt against a tyranny as least as deadly as that which +you have yourselves overthrown. + +"But you will not fail us, I know. Your hearts, as a nation, were once in +this War; heavy as our sacrifices have been, yours have been heavier still. +Why should you change? Why should the birth of your own freedom be the +death of your sympathy with the cause of the freedom of the world? No, you +cannot fail us; you are too great for that. + +"Forgive me," Mr. Punch concluded, "if, in speaking from a full heart, I +have allowed myself an excess of candour. At home they have always been +very kind and let me have a charter to say just what I think; and I have +been doing it, without much distinction of persons, for seventy-five years +and more. If to you, who have been dumb so long, this seems beyond belief, +permit me to offer you, with sincere affection and regard, a visible proof +of my privilege in the shape of my + +ONE HUNDRED AND FIFTY-SECOND VOLUME." + +[Illustration] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: INDEX] + +CARTOONS. + + PARTRIDGE, BERNARD. + Against Tyranny, 369 + Also Ran, 157 + Answer to Peace Talk (An), 9 + Blighted Prospects, 109 + Breath of Liberty (The), 211 + Cancelled, 183 + Catch of the Season (The), 225 + Comfort in Exile, 401 + Dawn of Doubt (The), 25 + Dead Frost (A), 77 + End of the Thousand-and-One Nights (The), 289 + Erin takes a Turn at her own Harp, 353 + For Services Rendered, 337 + Greater Need (The), 171 + His Latest, 321 + "I am the Man", 58-59 + Judgment of Paris: Latest Inversion (The), 417 + Last Throw (The), 125 + Price of Victory (The), 305 + Road to Victory (The), 93 + Snowing him under, 41 + "Swooping from the West", 257 + Victory First, 241 + Waning of Faith (The), 273 + Who Follows?, 141 + Word of Ill Omen (A), 385 + + PEGRAM, FRED. + Plain Duty (A), 87 + + RAVEN-HILL, L. + Alimentary Intelligence, 235 + Bad Dream (A), 315 + Breaking of the Fetters (The), 179 + Cannon-Fodder--and After, 267 + Central Isolation, 167 + Common Ideals, 379 + Donnerwetter, 299 + Dynastic Amenities, 251 + Freedom of the Sea (The), 151 + Good Riddance (A), 411 + Great Uncontrolled (The), 347 + Hoist with his own Petard, 395 + Hypnotist (The), 331 + Invaders (The), 191 + Playing Smaller, 363 + Rational Service, 103 + Retort Celestial (The), 135 + Rumourists (The), 219 + Self-Protection, 283 + Short Way with Tino (A), 19 + War-Savings, 119 + White House Mystery (The), 3 + + TOWNSEND, F.H. + Apple of Discord (The), 51 + Bankrupt Bravos (The), 35 + Unmade in Germany, 71 + +ARTICLES. + + ALLEN, INGLIS. + Adjutant on Leave (The), 292 + + ANDERSON, Miss E.V.M. + Way not to pay Old Debts (A), 52 + + BARFIELD, A.O. + Air-Castles, 101 + + BERKELEY, Capt. R.C. + Jollymouse, 259 + + BIRD, Capt. A.W. + Edward, 79 + Fruit Merchant (The), 214 + More Discipline, 1 + New Danger (A), 108 + Over-weight, 24 + Tragedy of the Sea (A), 134 + + BLAIKLEY, Miss Editha L. + Gems from the Juniors, 282 + + BLAIR, Miss F.K. + Romance of Rations (A), 150 + + BRAHMS, Miss M. + National Service, 317 + + BRETHERTON, CYRIL + Back to the Land, 254 + Charivaria, weekly + Food Question (The), 272 + His Master's Voice, 10 + Oxford Revisited, 130 + Plot Precautionary (The), 187 + Reventlow Ruminates, 334 + To Smith in Mesopotamy, 373 + To Towser, 92 + + BROWN, A. HILTON + Tyrtaeus, 327 + + BROWNE, Miss + Forward Minx (A), 113 + + BROWNLEE, LEIGH D. + Signs of the Times, 123 + + BRYMER, CECIL J. + Two Constables (The), 318 + + CHANDLER, Miss BLANCHE W. + Hardships of Billets (The), 82, 122, 215 + + CHAYTOR, Rev. H.J. + Autre Temps--Autres Moeurs, 237 + Fore and Aft, 276 + + CHERRILL, Miss A.L. + Lucid Explanation (A), 64 + + CLARKE, E.F. + Infantryman (The), 76 + + COBB, THOMAS + Broken Soldiers (The), 134 + + COLEMAN, R. + Most important Thing (The), 268 + + DARK, RICHARD + Emily's Mission, 358 + + DARLINGTON, W.A. + De Profundis, 213 + Three Augusts, 74 + Ways and Means, 346 + + DENNIS, G.P. + Diplomatic Notes, 298 + + DOWN, Capt. + Personal Pars from the Western Front, 50 + + DRENNAN, MAX + Meditations of Marcus O'Reilly, 372 + Recent Truce (The), 112 + + DRENNAN, W. ST. G. + On the Spy-Trail, 316 + + DU CANN, C.G.L. + As Others see Us, 102 + + ECKERSLEY, ARTHUR + Choking them off, 12 + Docking the Drama, 301 + New Note in Theatrical Advertising (The), 269 + Problems for Petroleuses, 139 + Seasonable Novelties, 74 + Spoop, 238 + + ELIAS, FRANK. + Fashions in Book-wear, 37 + Our New Army of Women, 78 + War's Romances, 107 + + ELLIOT, W.G. + Weighed in the Balance, 254 + + ELLIS, D.C. + Lions at Play, 62 + + FARJEON, MISS ELEANOR. + Nursery Rhymes of London Town, 11, 26, 79, 106, 121 + + FISH, W.W. BLAIR. + Cautionary Tales for the Army, 252, 309, 387 + Co-operative Advertisements, 228 + Herbs of Grace, 165, 178, 212, 227, 240 + Mab Dreams of May, 276 + Songs of Food Production, 86, 105, 129, 150, 355 + Wars of the Past, 8, 29, 54 + + FOX-SMITH, MISS C. + Admiral Dugout, 224 + 'Ead-work, 55 + "In Prize", 404 + Jolly Bargeman (The), 320 + "Let her go!", 205 + Short way with Submarines (A), 378 + Song of the Mill (The), 155 + Tale of a Coincidence (A), 90 + + FYLEMAN, MISS ROSE. + Best Game the Fairies Play (The), 377 + Fairies, 341 + + GARSTIN, CROSBIE. + Chateau in France (A), 318 + Dream Ship (A), 46 + Mud Larks (The), 86, 178, 218, 308, 330, 364, 382 + Regimental Mascot (The), 21 + + GARVEY, MISS INA. + Blanche's Letters, 234, 396 + + GLASGOW, EDWIN. + Personal Triumph (A), 278 + + GLASGOW, MRS. ROBERTSON. + Winged Victory, 184 + + GRAVES, C.L. + At Rest, 272 + Booming of Books (The), 122 + Classical America, 160 + Diary of a Co-ordinator (The), 410 + Flapper (The), 30 + Fritz's Apologia, 222 + Good old Gothic, 97 + Hot Weather Correspondence, 362 + House-Master (The), 357 + Jill-of-all-Trades and Mistress of Many, 323 + Joy-rider at the Front (The), 182 + Maxims of the Months, 243 + Ministerial Wail (A), 307 + Missing Leader (The), 138 + Musings of Marcus Mull (The), 381 + My Watch, 162 + Piccadilly, 384 + Purified Prussian (The), 56 + Random Flights, 330 + Smile of Victory (The), 75 + Song of Food-Saving (A), 173 + Spiritual Sportsman (The), 14 + Strife of Tongues (The), 278 + To F.-M. Sir Douglas Haig, 419 + To Mr. Balfour on his Return, 404 + To my Godson, 193 + Topical Tragedy (A), 213 + To Stephen Leacock, 114 + Travel without Trains, 81 + 'Twas Fifty Years Ago, 295 + War's Surprises, 40 + + HARRIS, A. + Double Entente, 277 + + HERBERT, A.P. + Ballade of Incipient Lunacy, 382 + Open Warfare, 400 + Zero, 336 + + HOLMES, W. KERSLEY. + Apology of a Warrior Minstrel, 149 + Only Steggles (The), 30 + Vicarious Reprisals, 368 + + + HOWELL, E.B. + Muscat, 6 + + IMAGE, MRS. + Rations, 190 + + INCE, R.B. + Paper Problem (A), 275 + + JAY, THOMAS. + Charivaria, weekly + + JENKINS, A.L. + Inn o' the Sword (The), 66 + + LANGLEY, CAPT. F.O. + Watch Dogs (The), 4, 72, 120, 154, 192, 236, 286, 348, 415 + + LEHMANN, R.C. + Fate of Umbrellas (The), 66 + Francis Cowley Burnand, In Memoriam, 288 + From Lord Devonport's Letter-Bag, 230 + German Measles, 246 + Hat and the Visit (The), 406 + Heart-to-Heart Talks, 18, 70, 102, 118, 162, 185, 250, 356, 414 + Helping Lord Devonport, 146 + Hexameters, 375 + Peas and Pledges, 342 + Proper Proportion (A), 266 + Recognised (The), 215 + Recognition, 34 + School, 310 + Tasty Dishes, 326 + Tipinbanola (The), 98 + Ultimus, 13 + + LETTS, MISS W.M. + General Post, 294 + + LIPSCOMB, W.P. + Lessons of the War, 394 + Weather-Vanes, 136 + + LOCKER, W.A. + Essence of Parliament, weekly during Session + + LOUIS, EDWARD. + Follow-up Method (The), 44 + + LUCAS, E.V. + Art of Detachment (The), 128 + Compliment (The), 144 + Dissuaders (The), 398 + Earlier Food Problems, 229 + Ella Reeve, 180 + Everlasting Romance (The), 169 + Favorite (The), 194 + Fifteen Tridges (The), 359 + First Lines, 253 + God-Makers (The), 388 + Hints to Grosvenor House, 302 + Italian in England (The), 244 + Law Courts Theatre (The), 334 + London's Little Sunbeams, 6 + Loss (A), 222 + Misgivings, 46 + Misnomer (A), 270 + More News from the Air, 277 + One of our Difficulties, 324 + Our Correspondence College, 80 + Political Notes, 53 + Revivals and Revisions, 284 + Solace (The), 152 + Taxis and Talk, 94 + Three Dictators (The), 104 + What did Mr. Asquith do?, 28 + Who shall decide?, 370 + + LAFONE, H.C. + Just Sailors, 412 + + MCCLELLAND, W.E. + Letters from Macedonia, 38, 64, 88 + + MCKAY, HERBERT. + Children's Tales for Grown-ups, 154, 173, 177, 193, 222, 240, 270, 288, + 310 + + MACLEOD, L.R. + Charivaria, weekly + + MANDERS, MRS. + Old Rhymes for Ration Times, 221 + + MARTIN, N.R. + Current Event (A), 260 + Extra Special (An), 2 + Great Investment (The), 130 + Local Food-Controller (A), 398 + Whitehall Whisperings, 304 + + MENZIES, G.K. + General (The), 258 + Scotland Yet, 214 + Super-Char (The), 90 + + MILNE, A.A. + From a Full Heart, 285 + Gold Braid, 181 + Hereinafters, 314 + Miniature (The), 36 + + MITCHELL, MISS G.M. + "It", 254 + + MORROW, GEORGE. + Privilege, 161 + + NAISMITH, J.K.B. + Acting-Bombardier, 140 + + OGILVIE, W.H. + Bunny's Little Bit, 139 + Call to the Cow Ponies (A), 349 + Comrades, 237 + First Whip (The), 168 + Song of the Woodland Elves (A), 97 + Top-o'-the-Morning, 22 + Troop Horses, 302 + Wimmin, 413 + + OVERTON, JOHN. + Pan Pipes, 398 + + PING, MISS LILIAN G. + Dolls that did their Bit (The), 340 + Mon Soldat et mon Cure, 170 + Tactics, 13 + + PLATT, F.W. + To France, 269 + + PLUMBE, C.C. + My American Cousins, 339 + Sherwood Foresters (The), 351 + + POSTLETHWAITE, H.A. + Secrets of Heroism (The), 351 + + PRESTON-TEWART, A. + Emergency Rations, 244 + Fleeting Detachment (A), 61 + + PUCKRIDGE, W.H. + Poultice (The), 205 + + RIGBY, REGINALD + Petherton and the Pluralist, 42 + Petherton's Donkey, 106 + Petherton's Publications, 350 + + ROBERTS, P.V. + Algy, 410 + + ROBERTS, R.H. + Flowerless Future (The), 220 + Seed Potatoes for Patriots, 175 + + SEAMAN, OWEN + At the Play, 96, 186, 261, 326, 390 + Faith and Doubt in the Fatherland, 34 + Food of Love (The), 166 + Golfer's Protest (The), 50 + Great Sacrifice (The), 266 + Hohenzollern Prospect (The), 218 + Little Willie's Opinion of Father, 362 + Mr. Punch in Russia, 421 + Place of Arms (A), 330 + Potsdam Altruist (The), 282 + Prophetic Present (The), 346 + School for Statesmen (A), 250 + Stomach for the Fight, 298 + Symposium of the Central Weaknesses, 234 + Tactless Tactics, 102 + T.M.G., 394 + To Germania, 134 + To Paris by the "Hindenburg Line", 190 + To the German Military Picture Department, 70 + To the Kaiser for his New Year, 2 + Vienna-Bound: A Reverie en Route, 18 + William _v._ the World, 118 + + SHIRLEY, J. + Vision of Blighty (A), 248 + + SMITH, BERTRAM + Ban on Racing (The), 410 + Hindenburg Line (The), 256 + Little Rift (The), 27 + More or Less, 150 + Not Wisely but too Well, 366 + + SMITH, C.T. + Wobbler (The), 239 + + STEIN, CAPT. E. DE + Sick, 291 + + SWINHOE, R. + Mammal-Saurian War (The), 145 + + THOMAS, R.W. + Infanticide (The), 405 + Told to the Marines, 300 + + THOMPSON, PATRICK + Appropriator of Tubers, 374 + + THORP, JOSEPH + At the Play, 14, 114, 174, 186, 292 + + TWEEDDALE, MISS D.M. + Knight-errant (A), 20 + + WILKES, HENRY E. + Excelsior, 270 + + WILLIAMS, MISS HELEN + Funeral of M. de Blanchet (The), 378 + + WILLIAMS, R. LL. + Convert (The), 38 + + WOODWARD, MISS BARBARA + National Sky-scraper (A), 166 + +PICTURES AND SKETCHES. + + ARMOUR, MAJOR G.D., 12, 31, 83, 99, 131, 163, 231, 263, 293, 311, 327, + 341, 371, 389, 407 + + BATEMAN, H.M., 39, 199, 210, 303, 356, 367 + + BAUMER, LEWIS, 15, 23, 42, 61, 121, 140, 153, 170, 182, 193, 256, 287, + 352, 368, 384, 416 + + BELCHER, GEORGE, 7, 29, 37, 65, 111, 147, 161, 214, 261, 323, 351, 403, + 413 + + BIRD, W., 10, 64, 173, 201, 208, 278, 281, 312, 344, 345 + + BRIGHTWELL, L.R., 52, 223, 246, 406 + + BROCK, H.M., 47, 53, 94, 104, 129, 136, 185, 200, 220, 247, 279, 285, + 343, 370, 381, 405 + + BROCK, R.H., 245 + + BROOK, RICARDO, 4, 16, 28, 33, 49, 101, 120, 133, 188, 216, 217, 244, + 260, 297, 316, 329, 358, 372, 408, 409 + + COBB, RUTH, 236 + + COLLER, H., 137 + + COTTRELL, TOM, 98, 364 + + DOWD, J.H., 67, 89, 115 + + DOWD, LEONARD P., 116 + + "FOUGASSE", 69, 97, 265, 284, 301, 313, 360 + + GHILCHIK, D.L., 392 + + GRAVE, CHARLES, 79, 373, 387, 412 + + HARRISON, CHARLES, 20, 80, 112, 294, 377 + + HART, FRANK, 88, 127, 200, 288, 340 + + HASELDEN, W.K., 14, 96, 114, 174, 186, 262, 292, 326, 390 + + HEATHCOTE, C.N., 17 + + HELPS, H., 396 + + HENRY, THOMAS, 117, 310, 348 + + JENNIS, G., 13, 139, 176, 228, 252, 276, 357 + + LUNT, WILMOT, 78, 230 + + MILLS, A. WALLIS, 258, 277 + + MORELAND, ARTHUR, 72, 107 + + MORROW, EDWIN, 44, 105, 144, 173, 213, 308, 332 + + MORROW, GEORGE, 32, 48, 68, 84, 100, 113, 132, 148, 164, 175, 204, 248, + 264, 280, 296, 309, 319, 328, 335, 375, 383, 393, 420 + + NORRIS, ARTHUR, 232 + + PACKER, E.A., 85 + + PARTRIDGE, BERNARD, 1 + + PEGRAM, FRED, 195 + + PRANCE, BERTRAM, 233, 342 + + RAVEN-HILL, L., 36, 128, 196, 197, 206, 207, 271, 422 + + REYNOLDS, FRANK, 8, 21, 40, 56, 81, 91, 108, 123, 143, 155, 175, 181, + 197, 203, 209, 215, 259, 307, 320, 404 + + ROUNTREE, HARRY, 178, 414 + + SHEPARD, CAPT. E.H., 166, 227, 240 + + SHEPHEARD, G.E., 213 + + SHEPPERSON, C.A., 5, 24, 45, 76, 92, 110, 124, 156, 174, 187, 190, 253, + 272, 325, 336, 359, 365 + + STAMPA, G.L., 26, 43, 73, 145, 159, 181, 201, 221, 237, 249, 275, 291, + 300, 324, 339, 380, 400 + + TENNANT, DUDLEY, 376 + + THOMAS, BERT, 55, 95, 160, 168, 180, 192, 205, 229, 243, 349, 388, 397, + 419 + + THORP, J.H., 75, 268 + + TOWNSEND, F.H., 11, 27, 63, 126, 142, 152, 158, 169, 172, 177, 184, 194, + 198, 202, 212, 224, 226, 239, 242, 255, 269, 274, 290, 295, 304, 306, + 317, 322, 333, 338, 354, 355, 361, 386, 391, 399, 402, 403, 415, 418 + + WILSON, DAVID, 189 + +[Illustration: FINIS] + + + +***END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI, VOL. +152, JUNE 27, 1917*** + + +******* This file should be named 16113.txt or 16113.zip ******* + + +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: +https://www.gutenberg.org/dirs/1/6/1/1/16113 + + + +Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions +will be renamed. + +Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no +one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation +(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without +permission and without paying copyright royalties. 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