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+The Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, Or The London Charivari, Vol. 103,
+November 19, 1892, by Various
+
+This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with
+almost no restrictions whatsoever.  You may copy it, give it away or
+re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included
+with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org
+
+
+Title: Punch, Or The London Charivari, Vol. 103, November 19, 1892
+
+Author: Various
+
+Editor: Francis Burnand
+
+Release Date: May 31, 2005 [EBook #15957]
+
+Language: English
+
+Character set encoding: ASCII
+
+*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH ***
+
+
+
+
+Produced by Malcolm Farmer, William Flis, and the Online
+Distributed Proofreading Team.
+
+
+
+
+
+PUNCH,
+
+OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
+
+VOL. 103.
+
+
+
+November 19, 1892.
+
+
+
+
+THE MAN WHO WOULD.
+
+II.--THE MAN WHO WOULD PLAY GOLF.
+
+BULGER was no cricketer, no tennis-player, no sportsman, in fact.
+But his Doctor recommended exercise and fresh air. "And I'm thinking,
+Sir," he added, "that you cannot do better than just take yourself
+down to St. Andrews, and put yourself under TOM MORRIS." "Is he a
+great Scotch physician?" asked BULGER; "I don't seem to have heard of
+him." "The Head of the Faculty, Sir," said the medical man--"the Head
+of the Faculty in those parts."
+
+BULGER packed his effects, and, in process of time, he arrived at
+Leuchars. Here he observed some venerable towers within a short walk,
+and fancied that he would presently arrive at St. Andrews. In this he
+was reckoning without the railway system--he was compelled to wait at
+Leuchars for no inconsiderable time, which he occupied in extracting
+statistics about the consumption of whiskey from the young lady who
+ministered to travellers. The revelations now communicated, convinced
+BULGER that either Dr. MORRIS was not on the lines of Sir ANDREW
+CLARK, or, as an alternative, that his counsels were not listened to
+by travellers on that line.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+Arriving in the dusk, BULGER went to his inn, and next morning
+inquired as to the address of the Head of the Faculty. "I dinna ken,"
+said an elderly person, to whom he appealed, "that the Professors
+had made TOM a Doctor, though it's a sair and sad oversicht, and a
+disgrace to the country, that they hae'na done sae lang syne. But I
+jalouse that your Doctor was jist making a gowk o' ye." "What!" said
+BULGER. "Jist playin' a plisky on ye, and he meant that TOM wad pit ye
+in the way o' becoming a player. Mon, ye're a bull-neckit, bow-leggit
+chiel', and ye'd shape fine for a Gowfer! Here's TOM." And, with this
+brief introduction, the old man strolled away.
+
+BULGER now found himself in the presence of Mr. MORRIS, whose
+courtesy soon put him on a footing of friendliness and confidence.
+He purchased, by his Mentor's advice, a driver, a cleek, a putter, a
+brassey, an iron, a niblick, and a mashy. Armed with these implements,
+which were "carried by an orphan boy," and, under the guidance of the
+Head of the Faculty himself, BULGER set forth on his first round. His
+first two strokes were dealt on the yielding air; his third carried
+no inconsiderable parcel of real property to some distance; but his
+fourth hit the ball, and drove it across the road. "As gude as a
+better," quoth the orphan boy, and bade BULGER propel the tiny sphere
+in the direction of a neighbouring rivulet. Into this affluent of the
+main, BULGER finally hit the ball; but an adroit lad of nine stamped
+it into the mud, while pretending to look for it, and BULGER had to
+put down another. When he got within putting range, he hit his ball
+careering back and forward over the hole, and, "Eh, man," quoth the
+orphan boy, "if ye could only drive as you put!"
+
+In some fifteen strokes he accomplished his task of holing out; and
+now, weary and desponding (for he had fancied Golf to be an easy
+game), he would have desisted for the day. But the Head of the Faculty
+pressed on him the necessity of "The daily round, the common task."
+So his ball was tee'd, and he lammed it into the Scholar's Bunker, at
+a distance of nearly thirty yards. A niblick was now placed in his
+grasp, and he was exhorted to "Take plenty sand." Presently a kind
+of simoom was observed to rage in the Scholars' Bunker, out of which
+emerged the head of the niblick, the ball, and, finally, BULGER
+himself. His next hit, however, was a fine one, over the wall, where,
+as the ball was lost, BULGER deposited a new one. This he, somehow,
+drove within a few feet of the hole, when he at once conceived an
+intense enthusiasm for the pastime. "It was a fine drive," said the
+Head of the Faculty. "Mr. BLACKWELL never hit a finer." Thus inflamed
+with ardour, BULGER persevered. He learned to waggle his club in a
+knowing way. He listened intently when he was bidden to "keep his eye
+on the ba'", and to be "slow up." True, he now missed the globe and
+all that it inhabit, but soon he hit a prodigious swipe, well over
+cover-point's head,--or rather, in the direction where cover-point
+would have been. "Ye're awfu' bad in the whuns," said the orphan
+boy; and, indeed, BULGER'S next strokes were played in distressing
+circumstances. The spikes of the gorse ran into his person--he could
+only see a small part of the ball, and, in a few minutes, he had made
+a useful clearing of about a quarter of an acre.
+
+It is unnecessary to follow his later achievements in detail. He
+returned a worn and weary man, having accomplished the round in
+about a hundred and eighty, but in possession of an appetite which
+astonished him and those with whom he lunched. In the afternoon, the
+luck of beginners attending him, he joined a foursome of Professors,
+and triumphantly brought in his partner an easy victor. In a day or
+two, he was drinking beer (which he would previously have rejected
+as poison), was sleeping like a top, and was laying down the law
+on stimy, and other "mysteries more than Eleusinian." True, after
+the first three days, his play entirely deserted BULGER, and even
+Professors gave him a wide berth in making up a match. But by steady
+perseverance, reading Sir WALTER SIMPSON, taking out a professional,
+and practising his iron in an adjacent field, BULGER soon developed
+to such an extent that few third-rate players could give him a stroke
+a hole. He had been in considerable danger of "a stroke" of quite a
+different character before he left London, and the delights of the
+Bar. But he returned to the Capital in rude health, and may now often
+be seen and heard, topping into the Pond at Wimbledon, and talking in
+a fine Fifeshire-accent. It must be acknowledged that his story about
+his drive at the second hole, "equal to BLACKWELL, himself, TOM MORRIS
+himself told me as much," has become rather a source of diversion to
+his intimates; but we have all our failings, and BULGER never dreams,
+when anyone says, "What is the record drive?" that he is being
+drawn for the entertainment of the sceptical and unfeeling. BULGER
+will never, indeed, be a player; but, if his handicap remains at
+twenty-four, he may, some day, carry off the monthly medal. With this
+great aim before him, and the consequent purchase of a red-coat and
+gilt-buttons, BULGER has a new purpose in existence, "something to
+live for, something to do." May this brief but accurate history convey
+a moral to the Pessimist, and encourage those who take a more radiant
+view of the possibilities of life!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A PLEBISCITE FOR PARNASSUS.
+
+    [The result of the _Pall Mall's_ competition for the
+    Laureateship has been to place Mr. ERIC MACKAY and Mr.
+    GILBART-SMITH first and second, and SWINBURNE and MORRIS
+    nowhere.]
+
+  A popular vote the Laureate's post to fill?
+  Ay! if Parnassus were but Primrose Hill.
+  The Penny Vote puts lion below monkey.
+  'Tis "Tuppence more, Gents, and _up goes the donkey!_"
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+QUITE MOVING.--_From Far and Near_ and _All Alive_, are two excellent
+"movable toy-books" that will please the little ones (when their
+seniors are tired of playing with them) far into the Yule-tide season.
+The author is LOTHAR MAGGENDORFER, a gentleman to whom _Mr. Punch_
+wishes a "Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year." This may appear a
+little premature, but it is a far cry from England to Germany, and the
+Sage of Fleet Street has allowed for any delays that may be caused by
+fogs, railway unpunctuality, and other necessary evils.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE AMERICAN GANYMEDE.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+    [The extraordinary triumph of Mr. GROVER CLEVELAND, Democratic
+    Candidate for the American Presidency, is attributed to a
+    general revolt against the McKinley Bill.]
+
+  O plump and pant-striped boy, upborne,
+    Like Ganymede of old,
+  _Punch_ hails you, with your slack, untorn,
+    Fast in the Eagle's hold.
+  It is, indeed, a startling sight
+    That speculation tarries on;
+  And it must give an awful fright
+    To Hebe (_alias_ HARRISON!)
+
+  Up, up to the Olympus, where
+    The White House spreads its board,
+  Whirled high through the electoral air,
+    A boy less long than broad!
+  He looks not like the Tammany breed,
+    That with high tariffs dally;
+  He proves, this Yankee Ganymede,
+    The Democratic rally.
+
+  This eagle's a colossal fowl,
+    Like _Sindbad's_ monstrous Roc,
+  A bird of prey some say, a-prowl
+    Like that Stymphalian flock,
+  With iron claws and brazen beak,
+    Intent to clutch and collar,
+  Fired with devotion strong, yet weak,
+    To the Almighty Dollar.
+
+  Pooh! Plunder's not his only joy.
+    He hovered till he saw
+  "A something-pottle-bodied boy,"
+    Who spurned MCKINLEY'S Law.
+  He stooped and clutched him, fair and good,
+    Flew nigh o'er roof and casement,
+  Whilst the Republicans all stood
+    Agape in sheer amazement.
+
+  He soars with proudly swelling crest
+    And followed with acclaims,
+  A cause of wonder in the West,
+    And crowing by the Thames.
+  For England, glorying in the sight,
+    Greets Boy and Bird together;
+  Whilst watching with serene delight
+    That big, black, falling feather!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+ROBERT ON LORD MARE'S DAY.
+
+The most ewentfoollest day of the hole year broke, as the poets says,
+without almost not no fog, on Wensday larst, to my grate serprise and
+joy; but noing, from long xperiens, how unsertain is whether at this
+orful seasun of the year, I took jest one leetel glass of hold brandy
+before setting out on my arjus dootys. I was encurraged to do so also
+by the horful rumers as was spread about, weeks afore, as to threttend
+atacks on the sacred Show by some disapinted prottestens, I think they
+called theirselves, as hadn't bin inwited to the Bankwet, and so meant
+to prottest accordingly.
+
+But I needn't a bin alarmd, for the most respekful mob as filled the
+streets was as quiet as mice, havin heard, I'm told, as how as the
+Copperashun had had the lectric light turned on at Gildhall, by which
+means, of course, they coud comunicate with any-wheres, and so know
+where to send an hole army of Waiters to, well fortyfide, and armed
+to the teeth with a splendid Lunch, to help the pore Perlice in their
+arjus dootys.
+
+From wot I seed of the butifool Sho, I shood give the cake to the
+Frute-Makers' splendid Car, all covered with the most butifool Frute,
+all made, too, in England, as it trewthfoolly said on both sides of
+the high-backed Car. The second plaice I shood give to the numerus
+butifool young Ladys, with most butifool flaxin air, all most bisily
+ingaged in a twistlin and a twiddlin of luvly gold and silver wire, on
+a Car belongin to the Makers of Gold and Silver Wire Drorers, wich I
+heard a most respectfool carpenter declare, must, he thort, be most
+uncomferal to wear. With that good fortun as allers atends the Hed
+Waiter, I seem to have atracted the notis of one of the most butifool
+of the young Ladys afoursaid, for she acshally tossed me a luvly
+littel bit of reel golden wire, which I shall trezure nex my art for
+years, if so be as how it don't skratch.
+
+The grand Bankwet, with its nine hunderd Gestes, was as ushal, about
+the grandest thing of the kind as the world has ever seen, but sumhows
+it struck me as the gents was much more impashent for their wittles
+than they ushally is. At my pertickler tabel, the two gents at the
+top was that trubblesum about the reel Turtel-soup as I ain't a tall
+accumstumed to, and I amost poured a hole ladel-full down the fine
+shirt-front of one of em; and then, trying at the next help to awoid
+him, I sent my helbow full into the face of the other, and a pretty
+fuss he made, you bet, and acshally torked of sending for the
+souperintendent, ewidently not knowing who I was.
+
+The same himpashent Gent amost worried my life out arterwards, and all
+about a glass of _plane_ water as he called it, and when I told him as
+I didn't think as we hadn't not none in the plaice, but I coud get him
+a bottel of amost any kind of Shampane as he liked to name; he again
+said as he wood call for the souperintendent. So in course I had
+to go for some, and a preshus long time it took me to get it; the
+wine-steward naterally sayin as he never before herd of sich a order
+on sich a ocasion, and he had only one bottel with him, and when I
+took it to the himpashent Gent, and told him so, he fairly roared with
+larfter, and told it all round as a capital joke! I wunders where the
+joke was.
+
+When the dinner was over and the speaches began, I got permishun to
+stand unner the gallery for to hear them; but strange to tell, not a
+word coud I hear, and them as I did hear I coudn't unnerstand. So I
+began for to fear as crewel age was a tarnishing of my 'earrings, so
+I moved to the other end of the 'All jest in time for to hear a werry
+dark but gennelmanly young feller, as was called the Gayqueer, or
+some such wonderfool name, and who, I was told, come all the way
+from Indier, make sitch a grand and nobel speach, and in quite as
+good Inglish as ewen I coud use, as got him more applorse from the
+distinguisht hordiens than all the speaches maid by Her Madjesty's
+Ministers put together. Always xceptin the Lawyers, for they seems to
+have sitch a jolly good time of it, that they are allers as reddy to
+cause a larf as to enjoy one. We all seemed sumhow to miss the werry
+PRIME MINISTER--we are all so acustomd to see the werry top of the
+tree, that we don't quite like being put off with a mere bow, however
+big and himportant it may be; besides, I must confess as I do like
+to hear his luvly woice, ewen when I don't quite unnerstand all as he
+says. So I don't suppose as any one of my numerus readers will quarrel
+with me when I says, better luck nex time.
+
+ROBERT.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: CANDID CRITICISM.
+
+"LIKE MY NEW FROCK, AUNT JANE?"
+
+"WELL, _I_ SHOULD SAY YOU'D GOT SKIRTS FOR YOUR SLEEVES, AND A SLEEVE
+FOR YOUR SKIRT!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+PROOFS BEFORE LETTERS.
+
+  Humbugs will always ape their betters,
+    Fools fancy the alphabet brings them fame;
+  But you don't become a man of letters
+    By tacking the letters after your name.
+  One suffix only the _fact_ expresses,
+  And that's an A and a couple of S's!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+ANOTHER MEANING.--_I Rantzau_ is the title of MASCAGNI'S new Opera.
+The title, anglicised, would be suitable for an old-fashioned
+transpontine melodramatic tragedian, who could certainly say of
+himself, "_I rant so!_"
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+SHAKSPEARIAN CONUNDRUM.
+
+At what time would SHAKSPEARE'S heroine of _The Taming of the Shrew_
+have been eminently fitted to be a modern Sunday-School teacher?
+
+_Answer._ When _Petruchio_ kissed her; because then she was _a Kattie
+Kiss'd_. (Hem! A Cate-chist.)
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+ALL ROUND THE FAIR.
+
+NO. I.
+
+    SCENE--_A street of Gingerbread, Sweetstuff, and Toy-stalls,
+    "Cocoa-nut Shies," "Box-pitching Saloons," &c., forming
+    the approach to the more festive portion of the Fair, from
+    which proceeds a cheerful cacophony of orchestrions,
+    barrel-organs, steam-whistles, gongs, big drums, rattles,
+    and speaking-trumpets._
+
+_Proprietors of Cocoa-nut Shies._ Now, then, play up all o'
+you--ar-har! There goes another on 'em! _That's_ the way to 'it
+'em--win all yer like, &c.
+
+_A Rival Proprietor_ (_pointing to his target, through the centre of
+which his partner's head is protruded_). Look at _that_! Ain't that
+better nor any coker-nut? Every time you 'it my mate's 'ed, you git
+a good cigar! (_As the by-standers hang back, from motives of
+humanity._) 'Ere, _'ave_ a go at 'im, some o' you--give 'im a little
+encouragement!
+
+_The Head_ (_plaintively_). Don't neglect a man as is doing his best
+to please yer, gen'l'men! (_A soft-hearted Bystander takes a shot at
+him, out of sheer compassion, and misses._) Try agen, Sir. I ain't
+'ere to be _idle_!
+
+_A Sharp Little Girl_ (_presiding over a sloping Chinese
+Billiard-board_). Now, my dears--(_To a group of boys, of about her
+own age_)--'ave what yer like. A penny a pull, and a prize every time!
+Wherever the marble rolls, you 'ave any one article on the board!
+
+[Illustration: "Now then, play up, all o' yea--ar-har!"]
+
+    [_One of the boys pays a penny, and pulls a handle, propelling
+    a marble, which, after striking a bell at the top of the
+    slope, wobbles down into a compartment._
+
+_The Boy_ (_indicating a gorgeous china ornament on the board_). I'll
+'ave one o' them--to take 'ome to mother.
+
+_The S.L.G._ (_with pitying superiority_). No, my boy, you can go to a
+shop and _buy_ one o' them for sixpence if you like--but 'ere you must
+'ave what you _git_!
+
+    [_She awards him a very dingy lead-pencil, with which he
+    departs, abashed, and evidently revolving her dark saying in
+    his perplexed mind._
+
+_Proprietor of a Box-pitching Saloon._ One penny a ball! For hevery
+ball that goes in the boxes, you choose any prize you like! (_With
+sorrow and sympathy, to a female Competitor._) Too 'ard, Lady, too
+_'ard_! (_To a male Comp., whose ball has struck the edge of the box,
+and bounced off._) Very _near_, Sir!
+
+    [_Several Competitors expend penny after penny unsuccessfully,
+    and walk away, with a grin of entire satisfaction._
+
+_Joe_ (_landing a ball in one of the boxes, after four failures_). I
+told 'ee I'd get _waun_ in! (_To his Young Woman._) What are ye goin'
+to 'ave, MELIA?
+
+_Melia_ (_hovering undecidedly over a glittering array of shell-boxes,
+cheap photograph-albums and crockery_). I'll take one o'--no, I won't
+neither.... I really don't know _what_ to 'ave!
+
+_Joe_ (_with masculine impatience_). Well, go on--take _summat_, can't
+ye! (_MELIA selects a cup and saucer, as the simplest solution of the
+problem._) I doan't carl that mooch of a show for fippence, I
+doan't. Theer, gi' us 'old on it. [_He stows the china away in his
+side-pockets._
+
+_Melia._ You took an' 'urried me so--else I don't know as I fancied
+a cup and sarcer so partickler. I wonder if the man 'ud change it,
+supposin' we was to go back and ast 'im!
+
+_Joe_ (_slapping his thigh_). Well, you _are_ a gell and no mistake!
+Come along back and git whatever 'tis you've a mind to. (_Returning._)
+'Ere, Master, will ye gi' this young woman summat else for this 'ere?
+(_He extracts the cup in fragments._) 'Ullo, look a' _that_ now! (_To
+MELIA._) Theer, it's all right--doan't take on 'bout it.--I'll 'ave
+another go to make it oop. (_He pitches ball after ball without
+success._) I wawn't be bett. I lay I'll git 'un in afoor I've done!
+(_He is at last successful._) Theer--now, ye can please yourself,
+and doan't choose nawthen' foolish _this_ time! (_He strolls on with
+lordly indifference, and is presently rejoined by MELIA._) Well, what
+did ye take arter all?
+
+_Melia._ I got so flustered like, for fear o' losin' you, I just up
+and took the first that came 'andy.
+
+_Joe._ Why, if ye ain't bin and took _another_ cup an' sarcer!
+hor--hor! that's a good 'un, that is! Take keer on it, it's cost money
+enough any 'ow--'t wouldn't be no bargain if it wur a 'ole tea-set!
+What's goin' on 'ere?
+
+    [_A venerable old Sportsman, whom the reader may possibly
+    recollect having met before, has collected a small crowd in
+    a convenient corner; his stock-in-trade consists of an
+    innocent-looking basket, with a linen-cover, upon which are a
+    sharpened skewer and a narrow strip of cloth._
+
+_The Sportsman._ I'll undertake to show you more fun in five minutes,
+than you'll get over there in two: (_with a vague suspicion that this
+is rather a lame conclusion_)--in ten, I _should_ say! This 'ere's a
+simple enough little game, when you know the trick of it, and I'm
+on'y a _learnin'_ it myself. I ain't doin' this for money. I got money
+enough to sink a ship--it's on'y for my own amusement. Now you watch
+me a doin' up this garter--keep yer eye on it. (_He coils up the
+strip._) It goes _up_ 'ere, ye see, and down _there_, and _in_ 'ere
+agin, and then round. Now, I'm ready to bet anything from a sovereign
+to a shilling, nobody 'ere can prick the middle. I'll tell ye if ye
+win. I'm ole BILLY FAIRPLAY, and I don't cheat! (_A Spotty-faced Man,
+after intently following the process, says he believes he could find
+the middle._) Well, don't tell--that's all. I'm 'ere all alone, agin
+the lot o' ye, and I want to win if I can--one dog to a bone! (_The_
+S.-F.M. _produces a florin from a mouldy purse, and stakes it, and
+makes a dab at the coil with the skewer._) No, ye're wrong--that's
+outside! (_O.B.F. pulls the strip out._) By Gum, ye've done it, after
+all! 'Ere's four bob for you, and I'm every bit as pleased as if I'd
+won myself! 'Oo'll try next?
+
+_A Smart Young Man_ (_with a brilliant pin in a dirty necktie, to
+JOE_). I don't see how it's done--do you?
+
+_Joe._ Ye will if you don't take yer eyes off it--theer, I could tell
+ye the middle now, I could.
+
+_The Sp.-F.M._ Law, yes, it's simple enough. I done it first time.
+
+_Old B.F._ Give an old man a chance to get a bit. If any party 'ere
+'as found me out, let him 'old 'is tongue--it's all _I_ ask. (_To
+JOE._) You've seen this afore, _I_ know!
+
+_Joe._ Noa, I ain't--but I could tell ye th' middle.
+
+_Old B.F._ Will ye bet on it? Come--not too 'igh, but just to show
+you've confidence in your opinion!
+
+_Joe_ (_cautiously_). I woant bet wi' ye, but I'll hev a try, just for
+nawthen, if ye like!
+
+_Old B.F._ Well, I want to see if you really _do_ know it--so, jest
+for once, I ain't no objection. (_JOE pricks the garter._) Yes, you've
+found the middle, sure enough! It's a good job there was no money
+on--for _me_, leastwise!
+
+_The Sp.-F.M._ I've a good mind to 'ave another try.
+
+_The Sm. Y.M._ I wouldn't. You'll lose. I could see you on'y guessed
+the first time. (_The Sp. F.M., however, extracts a shilling, stakes
+it--and loses._) There, _I_ could ha' told you you was wrong--(_To
+JOE_)--couldn't you?
+
+_Joe._ Yes, he art to ha' pricked moor to waun side of 'un. (_The
+Sp.-F.M. stakes another florin._) Now he's done it, if ye like!
+
+_O.B.F._ There, ye see, I'm as often wrong as not myself. (_To the
+Sp.-F.M._) There's your four bob, Sir. Now, jest once more!
+
+_Joe_ (_to MELIA_). I'll git the price o' that theer cup an' sarcer
+out of 'un, any'ow. (_To O.B.F._) I'll ha' a tanner wi' ye!
+
+_O.B.F._ 'Alf a soverin, if you like--it's all the same to me!
+
+_Joe_ (_after pricking_). I _thart_ I 'ad 'un that time, too, I did!
+
+_The Sm. Y.M._ You shouldn't ha' changed your mind--you were right
+enough afore!
+
+_Joe_. Yes, I should ha' stuck to it. (_To O.B.F._) I'll bet ye two
+bob on the next go--come!
+
+_O.B.F._ Well, I don't like to say no, though I can see, plain enough,
+you know too much. (_JOE pricks; O.B.F. pulls away the strip,
+and leaves the skewer outside._) I could ha' sworn you done me that
+time--but there ye _are_, ye see, there's never no tellin' at this
+game--and that's the charm on it!
+
+    [_JOE walks on with MELIA in a more subdued frame of mind._
+
+_The Sm. Y.M._ (_in the ear of the Spotty-faced One_). I say, I got
+a job o' my own to attend to--jest pass the word to the Old Man, when
+he's done with this pitch, to turn up beyind the swing-boats there,
+and come along yourself, if yer can. It's the old lay I'm on--the
+prize-packets fake.
+
+_The Sp.-F.M._ Right--we'll give yer a look in presently--it'll be a
+little change for the Ole Man--trades's somethin' cruel _'ere_!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+HIS MAD-JESTY AT THE LYCEUM.
+
+Except when HENRY IRVING impersonated the hapless victim of false
+imprisonment in the Bastille, whence he issued forth after twenty
+years of durance, never has he been so curiously and wonderfully
+made-up as now, when he represents _Lear_, monarch of all he surveys.
+Bless thee, HENRY, how art thou transformed!
+
+[Illustration: Rather mixed. Mr. Irving as "Ophe-Lear."]
+
+Sure such a _King Lear_ was never seen on any stage, so perfect in
+appearance, so entirely the ideal of SHAKSPEARE'S ancient King.
+It must have been a vision of IRVING in this character that the
+divinely-inspired poet and dramatist saw when he had a _Lear_ in his
+eye. For a moment, too, he reminded me of BOOTH--the "General," not
+the "particular" American tragedian,--and when he appeared in thunder,
+lightning, hail, and rain, he suggested an embodiment of the "_Moses_"
+of MICHAEL ANGELO.
+
+A strange weird play; much for an audience, and more for an actor, all
+on his own shoulders, to bear. A one-part play it is too, for of the
+sweet _Cordelia_,--and sweet did ELLEN TERRY look and so tenderly did
+she play!--little is seen or heard. With _Goneril_ and _Regan_, the
+two proud and wicked sisters,--associated in the mind of the modernest
+British Public with Messrs. HERBERT CAMPBELL and HARRY NICHOLLS, as is
+also _Cordelia_ associated either with _Cinderella_ or with _Beauty_
+in the story of _Beauty and the Beast_--we have two fine commanding
+figures; and well are these parts played by Miss ADA DYAS and Miss
+MAUD MILTON. The audience can have no sympathy with the two wicked
+Princesses, and except in _Goneril's_ brief Lady-Macbethian scene with
+her husband, neither of the Misses LEAR has much dramatic chance. Pity
+that Mrs. LEAR--his Queen and their mother, wasn't alive! Let us hope
+she resembled her youngest daughter _Cordelia_, otherwise poor _Lear_
+must have had a hard life of it as a married man.
+
+Why should not Mr. IRVING give the first part of this play
+reconsideration? Why not just once a week try him as a different sort
+of _Lear_? For instance, suppose, to begin with, that he had had a bad
+time of it with his wife, that for many years as a widower he had been
+seeking for the opportunity of disposing of his daughters, handing
+over to them and to their husbands the lease and goodwill of "The
+Crown and Sceptre," while he would be, as King, "retired from
+business," and going out for a lark generally. Thus jovially would he
+commence the play, a rollicking, gay, old dog, ready for anything, up
+to anything, and, like old Anchises, when he jumped on to the back of
+AEneas, "a wonderful man for his years." In fact, _Lear_ might begin
+like an old King Cole, "a merry old soul," a "jolly old cock!" And
+then--"Oh, what a difference in the morning!"--when all his plans
+for a gay career had been shipwrecked by _Cordelia's_ capricious and
+unnatural affectation.
+
+[Illustration: Mr. Terriss as the Good Fairy.]
+
+Then must commence his senility; then he would begin to break up. A
+struggle, to show that there was life in the old dog yet, could be
+seen when the old dog had been out hunting, in Act II., and had shot
+some strange animal, something between a stag and a dromedary, which
+no doubt was a native of Britain in those good old sporting days.
+However, more of this anon. Suffice it to say now, that our HENRY
+IRVING'S _Lear_ is a triumph in every respect, and that the audience
+only wanted a little more of _Cordelia_, which is the fault of the
+immortal and unequal Bard.
+
+To those unacquainted with this play, Mr. TERRISS'S sudden appearance
+in somewhat anti-Lord-Chamberlain attire, as he bounded on, with a
+wand, and struck an attitude, was suggestive of the Good Fairy in
+the pantomime; and his subsequent proceedings, when he didn't change
+anybody into Harlequin, Clown, and so forth, puzzled the unlearned
+spectators considerably. But Mr. TERRISS came out all right, and
+acquitted himself (being his own judge and jury) to the satisfaction
+of the public. His speech about Dover Cliff, generally supposed to
+convey some allusion to the Channel Tunnel, was excellently delivered,
+and certainly after _Lear_, "on the spear side," Mr. TERRISS must take
+the Goodeley Cake.
+
+Next to him in order of merit comes Mr. FRANK COOPER, as the
+wicked _Edmund_, on whom the good EDMUND, "Edmundus Mundi," smiled
+benignantly from a private box. There was on the first night a great
+reception given to HOWE--the veteran actor, not the wreck, and very
+far from it--who took the small part of an old Evicted Tenant of the
+_Earl of Glo'ster_, a character very carefully played by Mr. ALFRED
+BISHOP, _Floreat Henricus!_ "Our HENRY" has his work cut out for him
+in this "Titanic work," as in his before-curtain and after-play speech
+he termed it. This particular "Titanic work" is (or certainly was that
+night) in favour with "the gods," who "very much applauded what he'd
+done." But the gods of old were not quite so favourable to "Titanic
+work" generally, and punished eternally Titanic workmen. To-night gods
+and groundlings applaud to the echo, and then everyone goes home as
+best he can in about as beautiful a specimen of a November fog as ever
+delighted a Jack-o'-Lantern or disgusted
+
+PRIVATE BOX.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+AN OPERATIC NOTE.--_Wednesday_.--Lord Mayor's Day and Sheriff Sir
+AUGUSTUS DRURIOLANUS'S Show. _L' Amico Fritz_, or "The old Min is
+friendly," as _Dick Swiveller_ would have put it. Not by any means as
+bright as _Cavalleria_. Mlle. DEL TORRE, del-lightful as _Suzel_.
+M. DUFRICHE, very good as _Rabbino_; CREMONINI, weak as _Fritz_; and
+Mlle. MARTHA-CUPID-BAUERMEISTER, good as usual in the part of the
+"harmless necessary _Cat"-erina._ Opera generally "going strong."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+REPORTED DECISION.--Uganda is to be occupied till March next. Then,
+order of the day, "March in, March out!"
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+"SAFE BIND, SAFE FIND!"
+
+P.C. JOHN BULL _LOQUITUR_:--
+
+  Keep them? Right my Gallic friend!
+    'Tis my duty, sad but binding.
+  Free the Wolf--to what good end?
+    Loose the Snake--what vantage finding?
+  Faction flusters, Cant appeals
+    In the name of sham-humanity.
+  Right, not wrath, my bosom steels;
+    Softness here were sheer insanity.
+
+  _You_'ve my warmest sympathy,
+    Victim of the new Red Terror!
+  _My_ caged RAVACHOLS to free
+    Were the maddest kind of error.
+  Prison walls and dungeon wards
+    Love I not, I'm no born gaoler,
+  But just Law which Freedom guards
+    _Must_ ignore anarchic railer.
+
+  Blind offence of men half mad
+    'Neath the goad of brute oppression,
+  Blunderings of fierce fools of fad,
+    Demoniacal possession
+  Of red rage at law unjust,
+    I can check with calm compassion;
+  But must firmly crush to dust
+    Murder--in the newest fashion.
+
+  Dynamite as Freedom's friend?
+    'Tis the foul fiend's latest juggle.
+  We must fight it to the end,
+    Firm, unfaltering in this struggle.
+  Mere "Political Offence,"
+    All this murder, mashing, maiming?
+  'Tis a pitiful pretence,
+    Honour-blinding, wisdom-shaming.
+
+  Indiscriminate, ruthless raid!
+    Mad chance--medly of disaster!
+  Sophistry, the fiend's sworn aid,
+    Never better served its master
+  Than in calling such hell-birth
+    A new gospel, holy, human,--
+  Blasting as with maniac mirth
+    Blameless men, and guiltless women!
+
+  No! The Dynamiter's creed--
+    Though hate swagger, though cant snivel--
+  Fires no "patriotic" deed;
+    Base-born, all its ends are evil.
+  Let caged wolves and tigers free?
+    What more wicked, what absurder?
+  Amnesty to Anarchy
+    Means encouragement to Murder?
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+WHERE TO PLACE HIM.--Why ought the future Poet-Laureate, whoever he
+may be, to occupy rooms over or close to the stables at Buckingham
+Palace? Because he would then be inspired by the Royal Mews.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: A TEST OF TRUE GENTILITY.
+
+"WHAT'S THE NEW LODGER LIKE, MARIARANN?"
+
+"HE'S NO GENTLEMAN, WHATEVER HE'S LIKE!"
+
+"NO GENTLEMAN! WHAT'S HE BEEN AND DONE?"
+
+"WHY, HE SEE ME A-CARRYIN' UP THE COALS, AN' HE SAYS, 'I'M AFRAID THAT
+SCUTTLE'S TOO HEAVY FOR YOU,' 'E SAYS,--'PRAY LET _ME_ CARRY IT!' 'E
+SAYS. AN' 'E UP AND CARRIES IT ISSELF, JUST LIKE A FOOTMAN!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+TO A MODEL YOUNG LADY.
+
+    [It is reported that it is a common custom in Paris, amongst
+    ladies of position, to pay for their dresses by wearing them
+    in public, and letting it be known from whom they obtained
+    them.]
+
+  My dear, I like your pretty dress,
+    It suits your figure to a T.
+  I'm free to own that I confess,
+    It's just the kind of dress for me.
+  Yet will you kindly tell me, dear,
+    Not merely was the costume made for
+  Yourself alone--but is it clear
+    And certain that your dress is paid for?
+
+  Mistake me not. I do not dread
+    That you'll think fit to run away
+  And leave the bill unpaid. Instead,
+    I fear that you will never pay,
+  Because no bill will ever come;
+    And since when you decide to toddle
+  Abroad, you'll go amidst a hum
+  Of praise for Madame's lovely Model
+
+  Oh! promise me that when I read
+    My paper (as I often do),
+  I shall not with remorseless speed
+    See endless pars in praise of you,
+  Or rather of the dress you wore,
+    For though, maybe, no harm or hurt is meant,
+  Remember, dearest, I implore,
+    I _won't_ be fond of an advertisement!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+OUR BOOKING-OFFICE.
+
+"_Days with Sir Roger de Coverley!_" exclaimed the Baron, on seeing
+the charming little book brought out at this season by Messrs.
+MACMILLAN. "Delightful! Immortal! Ever fresh! Welcome, with or without
+illustration; some of Mr. THOMSON's would not be missed."
+
+There is a breezy, frank, boyish air about the "Reminiscences" of
+our great Baritone, CHARLES SANTLEY, which is as a tonic--a tonic
+sol-fa--to the reader a-weary of the many Reminiscences of these
+latter days. SANTLEY, who seems to have made his way by stolid pluck,
+and without very much luck, may be considered as the musical _Mark
+Tapley_, ready to look always on the sunny side. With a few rare
+exceptions, he appears to have taken life very easily.
+
+Muchly doth the Baron like Mr. HALL CAINE's story of _Captain Davy's
+Honeymoon_, only, short as it is, with greater effect it might have
+been shorter.
+
+The Baron, being in a reading humour, tried _The Veiled Hand_, by
+FREDERICK WICKS, a name awkward for anyone unable to manage his "r's."
+What Fwedewickwicks' idea of _A Veiled Hand_ is, the Baron has tried
+to ascertain, but without avail. Why not a Gloved Hand? Hands do not
+wear veils, any more than our old friends, the Hollow Hearts, wear
+masks. Hands take "vails," but "that is another story." However, _The
+Veiled Hand_ induced sleep, so the Baron extinguished both candles and
+Wicks at the same time, and slumbered.
+
+I have also had time to read _An Exquisite Fool_, published by OSGOOD.
+MCILVAINE & CO., and written by Nobody, Nobody's name being
+mentioned as being the author. It begins well, but it is an old,
+old tale--BLANCHE AMORY and the Chevalier, and so forth--and as _Sir
+Charles Coldstream_ observed, when he looked down the crater of Mount
+Vesuvius, "There's nothing in it."
+
+Most interesting is a short paper on "The Green Room of the Comedie
+Francaise," in the _English Illustrated Magazine_ for this month,
+pleasantly written by Mr. FREDERICK HAWKINS,--HAWKINS with an
+aspirate, not "'ENERY 'AWKINS" at present associated with "A
+CHEVALIER" in London. Mr. HAWKINS tells many amusing anecdotes, and
+gives a capital sketch of M. RENE MOLE. But the article would be
+damaged by extracts. Therefore, "_Tolle, lege_," says yours and
+everybody's, very truly,
+
+THE BARON DE BOOK-WORMS.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: "SAFE BIND, SAFE FIND!"
+
+SERGENT-DE-VILLE. "HA, M'SIEU!--_YOU_ HAVE YOUR DYNAMITERS UNDER LOCK
+AND KEY! TRES BIEN! _KEEP_ THEM!!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: WHAT ABOUT GLASS HOUSES?
+
+_First Jovial Cabby_ (_to Second Ditto_). "HI SAY, BILL, DID YER HEVER
+SEE SICH GUYS AS THESE 'ERE GIRLS MAKES OF THEIRSELVES? NOW, YE'D
+NIVER SEE A _MAN_ GO AND MAKE SUCH A RIDIK'LOUS HOBJICK OF 'ISSELF!!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A PUFF OF SMOKE.
+
+    (_What the heart of the young Vocalist said to the
+    Anti-Tobacconist, after reading Mr. Charles Santley's sage
+    observations on Singing and Smoking, in his new book "Student
+    and Singer."_)
+
+    ["Smoking is an art; it may be made useful or otherwise,
+    according as it is exercised."--Mr. SANTLEY.]
+
+  Tell me not, ye mournful croakers,
+    Smoking is a dirty habit.
+  Brainless are ye, sour non-smokers,
+    As a vivisected rabbit.
+
+  "Smoking is an Art," says SANTLEY;
+    There is Beauty in the bowl.
+  They who doubt it must be scantly
+    Blest with sense, or dowered with soul.
+
+  _As_ an Art it claims attention;
+    Study is the only way.
+  Smoking skill, _not_ smoke-prevention,
+    Is the thing we want to-day.
+
+  Art is long and smoke is fleeting;
+    But puff on until you learn
+  Good tobacco's not for _eating_!
+    Pipe-bowls are not meant to _burn_!
+
+  Smoke without expectorating,
+    Do not sputter, do not chew;
+  Puff not as though emulating
+    Some foul factory's sooty flue
+
+  Let not oily dark defilement
+    Sting your lips; there is no need.
+  Joy and care need reconcilement
+    For enjoyment of the weed.
+
+  Trust no "Germans," buy no "British,"
+    Sound Havanas only smoke!
+  "Lady Nicotine" is skittish,
+    Penny Pickwicks are no joke.
+
+  Smoke no strong shag, no rank "stinger,"
+    Pick your baccy, puff with skill,
+  And--although you are a singer,
+    You may smoke, and not feel ill.
+
+  Let us then be up and smoking,
+    An an Art the thing pursue;
+  As great SANTLEY, who's not joking,
+    Says _he_ does, and all _may_ do!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+LADY GAY'S DISTRACTION.
+
+DEAR MR. PUNCH,--You are as fickle as the rest of your sex, I fear,
+otherwise you would not have requited my devotion to you and your
+interests in such an awful manner as you did in publishing my
+husband's letter last week!--and _such_ a letter! Oh, I could write
+such a _scathing_ reply to it!
+
+Of course, it was jealousy on the part of Sir CHARLES at my literary
+success--(setting aside the _wonderful_ tips)--which caused the
+explosion that led to his writing to you, but I never--never--thought
+you would insert his letter, especially as I slipped in a postscript
+which to my mind explained _everything_--as, indeed, postscripts
+_should_ do, or what is the good of writing a long letter about
+nothing in front of them? The wretch confesses that he laughed at my
+articles until he knew who wrote them, and then thought less of
+them! Isn't that like a husband?--I won't say like a _man_, as so few
+husbands _are_ men!--at least, in the eyes of their wives. The moment
+a wife does something her husband can't do, he dislikes and pooh-poohs
+it; whereas, the more accomplishments a husband displays, the more a
+wife appreciates him, or _says_ so even if she doesn't!--which is a
+noble falsehood, for how few women are large-minded enough to pretend
+to admire qualities which they despise because they don't possess
+them--I'm not sure that this is what I mean, nor do I quite understand
+it, but it reads well, which is more than Sir CHARLES'S stuff does!
+
+And then his impertinence in proposing to "edit" my letters!--as if
+anyone could be more capable of doing that than _you_?--(you will
+observe that it is solely on _your_ account that I am annoyed!)--I
+could not brook such interference!--I don't know exactly the meaning
+of "brooking" anything, but I know I wept enough tears of annoyance
+to form a decent "brook" of themselves! I need hardly tell you that it
+was a biting sarcasm on my part to suggest that he should finish his
+letter with a "verse," as I always do--but there--men don't
+understand sarcasm--(one of _our_ most frequently employed weapons of
+offence!)--and the poor thing thought I was in earnest, and did it!
+And _what_ a verse! I could write better with my left hand!
+
+I need scarcely tell you that I have left him--(this is why my address
+is not to be published)--as I consider my duty to the Public rendered
+it imperative that I should do so, for I should not think much of any
+woman who allowed a paltry consideration of domestic obligations to
+weigh against the pursuit of a career of usefulness.
+
+If, therefore, a vein of sadness and cynicism runs through this
+letter, you will understand that it does _not_ proceed from any regret
+at the "breaking up of the happy home," but rather from sorrow at the
+thought that once again the intellectual superiority of one of the
+softer sex has not been accepted in the right spirit by the possessor
+of the weaker mind, to whom she owes obedience!
+
+I trust I have done with Sir CHARLES for ever!--especially if
+he speaks the truth in saying that "following my tips has ruined
+him"--for why should any woman burden herself with an impecunious
+husband? He does not know where I am, and I feel still more secure in
+my retreat from having just heard that he has engaged the services of
+several of the most prominent London Detectives to trace me!
+
+Owing no devotion now to Sir CHARLES--who will appreciate the
+following tender lines with which I close my letter--
+
+  O woman! in our hours of ease,
+  Thou art not _very_ hard to please!
+  Thou takest what the gods may send;
+  But, thwarted!--thou wilt turn and rend!
+
+I am able to subscribe myself, dear _Mr. Punch_,
+
+Yours more devotedly than ever,
+
+LADY GAY.
+
+[From internal evidence, we are inclined to believe that this present
+letter, or the one last week from "Sir CHARLES," is a forgery. In
+former correspondence Lady GAY mentioned "Lord ARTHUR" as her husband.
+We pause for an explanation.--ED.]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+PROVERB FOR VOCALISTS, A PROPOS OF SIR JOSEPH BARNBY'S REMARKS ON
+ARTICULATION.--"Take care of the sense, and the sounds will take care
+of themselves."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Why is pepper essential to the health of the new LORD MAYOR?--Because
+without "Kn." (cayenne) he would be "ill."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: NATURE AND ART.
+
+_A.R.A._ "BY GEORGE, THIS VIEW'S MAGNIFICENT! I SAY, FLUFFER, YOU
+REALLY OUGHT TO HAVE THOSE WOODS PAINTED."
+
+_Mr. Fluffer_ (_late in the Upholstery line, retired._) "'M--M. DO YOU
+THINK THAT WOULD IMPROVE 'EM? WHAT COLOUR, NOW?"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+LEFT TO THE LADIES.
+
+MY DEAR MR. PUNCH,
+
+Everyone--I mean everyone with a right mind--will sympathise with
+those nice people at Bristol who have been holding a "Woman's
+Conference." So kind and thoughtful of them, isn't it? I notice
+that Lady BATTERSEA gave a spirited account of a Confederation
+of Temperance of some thirty villages in Norfolk. The dear, good
+inhabitants are to keep off the allurements of drink by "listening to
+such shining lights as Canon WILBERFORCE, and social teas, processions
+with banners, and magic-lanterns, play their part." How they are
+to listen to the teas, processions and lanterns, I don't quite
+understand, in spite of the fact that they (the aforesaid teas, &c.)
+seem to be "playing their parts." Evidently teas, &c., are amateur
+Actors.
+
+Then somebody who described herself as "a nobody from nowhere," is
+said to have "touched a moving chord, as she spoke with great feeling
+of the sympathy and the moral help the poor give back to those who
+work among them." What "moving chord?" Sounds like a bell-rope!
+
+Then another lady who wore "the black and lavender dress of the
+Sisters of the People," followed with a paper, "perhaps overfull
+of details." And here let me say that I am quoting from "a woman
+correspondent" who seems to be full of admiration for her talking
+sisters. But in spite of this admiration, she knows their little
+faults. For instance, she describes a speech as "vigorous, racy, and
+perhaps a trifle sensational." Then, when someone else delivered an
+"address to educated mothers," she says that it excited deep interest,
+and "almost too many educated mothers threw themselves into the
+discussion that followed."
+
+Then she observes, "It was disappointing that Lady ABERDEEN was at the
+last moment forbidden by her Doctor to undertake the long journey from
+Scotland." So it was, most disappointing; and "at the last moment,"
+too!
+
+Then she announces that "Some ladies expressed a feeling, that
+introducing young men and women in business to each other, when
+assembled in their hundreds at Prince's Hall, was an office fraught
+with considerable responsibility." To be sure! Great responsibility!
+Might even be improper! Everyone should be _so_ careful!
+
+However, there was one good thing in this Woman's Conference that
+everyone will praise. The delightful, genial, charitable females seem
+to have kept to themselves. No men were present. What a blessing--_for
+the men_! Yours gratefully,
+
+AN OLD BACHELOR.
+
+_The Growleries, Lostbuttonbury, Singleton_.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+CHRISTMAS IS COMING!
+
+[Illustration]
+
+  When the ruddy autumn leaves
+  Flutter down on golden sheaves,
+  And on plum-trees one perceives
+          No more plums--
+  All the swallows have not fled,
+  Hardly is the summer dead--
+  Then, alas, it must be said
+          Christmas comes!
+
+  Christmas! Hang it all! But how
+  Can that be? 'Tis weeks from now.
+  What a fearful thought, I vow
+          That it numbs!
+  "Order Christmas papers" fills
+  Bookshops, bookstalls. With its bills,
+  Taxes, tips, fogs, frosts, coughs, chills,
+          Christmas comes!
+
+  Even Christmas-cards appear,
+  They are with us half the year,
+  I would banish them from here,
+          Say, to Thrums,
+  Or to any mournful place,
+  Where I'd never show my face,
+  For they tell one that, apace,
+          Christmas comes!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+SEASONABLE CHRISTMAS MOTTO FOR WELL-KNOWN FINE-ART PUBLISHERS.--"TUCK
+in!"
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: FOOTBALL FEVER. SATURDAY AFTERNOON IN THE MIDLANDS.]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+TO "THE LAZY MINSTREL"
+
+    _On the publication of his Eighth Edition, with therein
+    Nineteen Poems originally written for Mr. Punch._
+
+[Illustration: The Lazy Laureate of the Thames.]
+
+  Who would not be a Minstrel Lazy?
+      A trifle crazy,
+    The best of them! Ah!
+  Here's ASHBY STERRY, in punt or wherry,
+  He's ever merry! sing "hey down derry,"
+      Or anything very
+    Like Tra! la! la! la!
+
+  On sunny days he trolls his lays
+  With gay guitar and Tra! la! la! la!
+  From groves and glades come meadow-sweet maids,
+  None of your saucy minxes or jades;
+      The poet is there
+      Without a care.
+  With no regret, with mild cigarette.
+  With gay guitar, and whiskey from Leith,
+  Will he be crowned with the Laureate wreath?
+
+(_The Nymph Pantalettina is heard singing_.)
+
+    Come where my ASHBY lies dreaming,
+      Dreaming for hours after lunch.
+    Softly! for he is scheming
+      Poems for _Mister Punch_!
+    Graceful is his position--
+      Hark! how he sweeps the strings,
+    While of his Eighth Edition
+      The Warbler STERRY sings:--
+
+(_The Bard chirpeth his roundelay_.)
+
+  "On 'Spring's Delights' in 'Hambledon Lock'
+    'My Country Cousin' may hap--
+      With her I'll go
+      'In Rotten Row,'
+      Stop on an 'oss
+      'At Charing-Cross,'
+    For a 'Tam O'Shanter Cap.'
+
+  No gout? Oh no! But I'm 'Taken in Tow,'
+    And suffering from dejection,
+  'Spring Cleaning' I'll use for a pair of old shoes
+    (Queer rhyme upon reflection),
+  'Sound without Sense,' I've no pretence,
+    To write Shakspearian Sonnets.
+      Of her and him,
+      As suits my whim,
+  I sing, and I hymn her bonnets!"
+
+(_Chorus of Pantalettina and River Nymphs._)
+
+      So, hail to the Bard so merry,
+      To Lazy Laureate STERRY!
+  He'll sing of a Lock on the Thames! oh rare!
+    Or hymn a Lock of his Lady's hair.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+CONVERSATIONAL HINTS FOR YOUNG SHOOTERS.
+
+The subject of Lunch, my dear young friends, has now been exhausted.
+We have done, for the time, with poetry, and descend again to the
+ordinary prose of every-day shooting. Yet stay--before we proceed
+further, there is one matter apart from the mere details of sport,
+which may be profitably considered in this treatise. It is the divine,
+the delightful subject of
+
+SMOKING.
+
+First, I ask, do you know--(1), the man who never smokes from the
+night of the 11th of August up to the night of the 1st of February in
+the following year, for fear of injuring his sight and his shooting
+nerve? (2), the host who forbids all smoking amongst the guests
+assembled at his house for a shooting-party?
+
+You, naturally enough, reply that you have not the honour of being
+acquainted with these severe, but enthusiastic gentlemen. Nobody does
+know them. They don't exist. But it is very useful to affect a sort of
+second-hand knowledge of these Gorgons of the weed, as thus:--
+
+    _A Party of Guns is walking to the first beat of the day.
+    Time, say about_ 10.20 A.M.
+
+_Young Sportsman_ (_who has a pipe in his mouth, to Second Sportsman,
+similarly adorned_). I always think the after-breakfast smoke is about
+the best of the day. Somehow, tobacco tastes sweeter then than at any
+other time of the day.
+
+_Second Sp._ (_puffing vigorously_). Yes, it's first class; but I hold
+with smoke at most times of the day, after breakfast, after lunch,
+after dinner, and in between.
+
+_Young Sp._ Well, I don't know. If I try to smoke when I'm actually
+shooting, I generally find I've got my pipe in the gun side of my
+mouth. I heard of a man the other day who knocked out three of his
+best teeth through bringing up his gun sharp, and forgetting he'd
+got a pipe in his mouth. Poor beggar! he was very plucky about it,
+I believe; but it made no end of a difference to his pronunciation
+till he got a new lot shoved in. Just like that old Johnnie in the
+play--Overland something or other--who lost his false set of teeth
+on a desert island, and couldn't make any of the other Johnnies
+understand him.
+
+_Second Sp._ I've never had any difficulty with my smoking. I always
+make a habit of carrying my smokes in the left side of my mouth.
+
+_Young Sp._ Oh, but you're pretty certain to get the smoke or the
+ashes or something, blown slap into your eyes just as you're going to
+loose off. No. (_With decision_.) I'm off my smoke when the popping
+begins.
+
+_Second Sp._ Don't be too hard on yourself, my boy. They tell me there
+are precious few birds in the old planting this year, so you can treat
+yourself to a cigarette when you get there. It never pays to trample
+on one's longing for tobacco too much.
+
+_Young Sp._ No, by Jove. Old REGGIE MORRIS told me of a fellow he met
+somewhere this year, who goes regularly into training for shooting.
+Never touches baccy from August to February, and limits his drink
+to three pints a day, and no whiskeys and sodas. And what's more, he
+won't let any of his guests smoke when he's got a shoot on, He's got
+"No Smoking" posted up in big letters in every room in the house.
+REGGIE said it was awful. He had to lock his bedroom door, shove the
+chest-of-drawers against it, and smoke with his head stuck right up
+the chimney. He got a peck of soot, one night, right on the top of his
+nut. Now I call that simple rot.
+
+_Second Sp._ Ah, I've heard of that man. Never met him though, I'm
+thankful to say. Let me see what's the beggar's name? JACKSON or
+BARRETT, or POLLARD, or something like that. He's got a big place
+somewhere in Suffolk, or Yorkshire, or somewhere about there.
+
+_Young Sp._ Yes, that's the chap, I fancy.
+
+Now that kind of thing starts you very nicely for the day. It isn't
+necessary that either of the sportsmen whose dialogue has been
+reported should believe implicitly in the absolute truth of what he is
+saying. Observe, neither of them says that he himself met this man.
+He merely gets conversation out of him on the strength of what someone
+else has told him. That, you see, is the real trick of the thing.
+Don't bind yourself to such a story as being part of your own personal
+experience. Work it in on another man's back. Of course there are
+exceptions even to this rule. But this question I shall be able to
+treat at greater length when I come to deal with the important subject
+of "Shooting Anecdotes."
+
+[Illustration]
+
+Very often you can work up quite a nice little conversation on
+cigarettes. Every man believes, as is well-known, that he possesses
+the only decent cigarettes in the country. He either--(1), imports
+them himself from Cairo, or (2), he gets his tobacco straight from
+a firm of growers somewhere in Syria and makes it into cigarettes
+himself; or (3), he thinks Egyptian cigarettes are an abomination,
+and only smokes Russians or Americans; or (4), he knows a man,
+BACKASTOPOULO by name, somewhere in the Ratcliffe Highway, who
+has _the_ very best cigarettes you ever tasted. You wouldn't give
+two-pence a hundred for any others after smoking these, he tells you.
+And, lastly, there is the man who loathes cigarettes, despises those
+who smoke them, and never, smokes anything himself except a special
+kind of cigar ornamented with a sort of red and gold garter.
+
+Out of this conflict of preferences the young shooter can make
+capital. By flattering everybody in turn, he can practically get his
+smoking gratis, for everyone will be sure to offer him at least one
+cigarette, in order to prove the superiority of his own particular
+kind. And if the young shooter, after smoking it, expresses a proper
+amount of ecstasy, he is not at all unlikely to have a second offered
+to him. Most men are generous with cigarettes. Many a man I know
+would far rather give a beggar a cigarette than a shilling, though
+the cigarette may have cost, originally, a penny-halfpenny, or more--a
+strange and paradoxical state of affairs.
+
+Here is a final piece of advice. Admire all cigarette-cases, and say
+of each that it's the very best and prettiest you ever saw. You can
+have no notion how much innocent pleasure you will give.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+NOTICE.--Rejected Communications or Contributions, whether MS.,
+Printed Matter, Drawings, or Pictures of any description, will in no
+case be returned, not even when accompanied by a Stamped and Addressed
+Envelope, Cover, or Wrapper. To this rule there will be no exception..
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, Or The London Charivari, Vol.
+103, November 19, 1892, by Various
+
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