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diff --git a/15912.txt b/15912.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..264f463 --- /dev/null +++ b/15912.txt @@ -0,0 +1,2148 @@ +The Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch or the London Charivari, Vol. 158, +March 24, 1920., by Various + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: Punch or the London Charivari, Vol. 158, March 24, 1920. + +Author: Various + +Release Date: May 27, 2005 [EBook #15912] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ASCII + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH *** + + + + +Produced by Jonathan Ingram, Sandra Brown and the Online +Distributed Proofreading Team. + + + + + +PUNCH, + +OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. + +VOL. 158. + + + +March 24, 1920. + + + + + + +CHARIVARIA. + +"Nobody knows," says a Berlin message, "how near the KAPP +counter-revolution came to being a success." A kind word from +Commander KENWORTHY, it is believed, would have made all the +difference. + + *** + +It is reported that Miss ISOBEL ELSOM, the cinema star, tried to get +knocked down by a taxi-cab for the purposes of a film, but failed. We +can only suppose that the driver must have been new to his job. + + *** + +A vicar has written to the Press complaining indignantly of a London +firm's offer to supply sermons at five shillings each. We are not +surprised. Five shillings is a lot of money to give for a sermon. + + *** + +The Llangollen Golf Club has decided to allow Sunday golf. In +extenuation it is pointed out that the Welsh for "stymied" does not +constitute a breach of the Sabbath, as is the case with the Scots +equivalent. + + *** + +At Caterham a robin has built its nest in a bully beef tin. These are +the little things that give the Disposals Board a bad name. + + *** + +A North of Ireland man who has just died at the age of 107 boasted +that he had never had a bath. This should silence the faddists who +pretend that they can hardly wait till Saturday night. + + *** + +The ruins of Whitby Abbey, it is announced, are to be presented by +their owner to the nation. On the other hand, the report that Mr. +LLOYD GEORGE intends to present the ruins of the Liberal Party to +Manchester City is not confirmed. + + *** + +The latest information is that the recent German revolution had to be +abandoned owing to the weather. + + *** + +From a weekly paper article we gather that the trousers-crease will be +in its accustomed frontal position this year. It is unfortunate that +this announcement should have clashed with the attempted restoration +of the Monarchy in Berlin. + + *** + +Hot Cross Buns will probably cost threepence this year. An economical +plan is for the householder to make his own hot cross and then get the +local confectioner to fit a bun to it. + + *** + +"There will be no whisky in Scotland in the year 1925," says a +Prohibitionist speaker. He did not say whether there will be any +Scotsmen. + + *** + +No arrangement has yet been made for the carrying on of the Food +Ministry, though it is said that one food profiteer has offered to buy +the place as a memento. + + *** + +"All the great men are dead," states a London newspaper. This sly dig +at Mr. CHURCHILL'S robust health is surely in bad taste. + + *** + +We are glad to hear that the strap-hanger who was summoned by a +fellow-passenger on the Underground Railway for refusing to remove his +foot from off the plaintiff's toes has now been acquitted by the jury. +It appears that he was able to prove that he was not in a position to +do so as his was not the top foot of the heap. + + *** + +According to a trade journal the latest fashion in umbrellas is a +pigeon's head carved on the handle. This, we understand, is the first +step towards a really reliable homing umbrella. + + *** + +The appearance of a hen blackbird without any trace of feathers on its +neck or back is reported by a Worcester ornithologist. The attempt +on the part of this bird to follow our present fashions is most +interesting. + + *** + +So much difficulty is being experienced in deciding whose incendiary +bullet was the most effective, that it is thought possible that the +Government may arrange for the Zeppelin raids to be revived. + + *** + +A society paper reports that a large number of millionaires are now +staying on the Riviera. It is not known where the other shareholders +of COATS'S are staying. + + *** + +In order to influence the exchange a contemporary suggests that we +should sell our treasures to America. We understand that a cable to +New York asking what they are prepared to pay for Mr. RAMSAY MACDONALD +remains unanswered. + + *** + +An egg weighing nine-and-a-half ounces has been laid at Bayonne, +France. It looks like a walk-over unless _The Spectator_ has something +up its sleeve. + + *** + +"One hears the crying of the new-born lambs on all sides," writes a +Nature correspondent. On the other hand the unmistakable bubbling note +of the mint-sauce will not be heard for another month or so. + + *** + +Will the A.S.C. private who in 1917 was ordered to take a mule to +Sutton Coldfield please note that the animal has been sighted in +California still chewing an army tunic, but the badges are missing? + + *** + +"So many letters are being lost in the post nowadays," states a +daily paper, "that drastic action should be taken in the matter." We +understand that the POSTMASTER-GENERAL has expressed his willingness +to be searched. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Hygienist_. "FEELING THE COLD, EH? AHA--LOOK AT ME. I +DON'T KNOW WHAT COLD IS." + +_Normal Individual_. "THEN N-NATURALLY YOU D-DON'T FEEL IT."] + + * * * * * + +A VULNERABLE SPOT. + + "Lady, a word--but oh, beware! + And prithee do not slight it-- + If you will have your back so bare, + Someone is sure to bite it." + + * * * * * + + "An official of the Coal Controller's Department said that + everything possible would be done to relieve the situation. + + 'No stone will be left unturned,' he said, 'to ease the + position.'"--_Daily Paper_. + +This accounts, no doubt, for the stuff in our last half-hundredweight. + + * * * * * + +A JUNKER INTERLUDE. + + Once more the Militant Mode recurs + With clank of sabre and clink of spurs; + Once more the long grey cloaks adorn + The bellicose backs of the high-well-born; + Once more to the click of martial boots + Junkers exchange their grave salutes, + Taking the pavement, large with side, + Shoulders padded and elbows wide; + And if a civilian dares to mutter + They boost him off and he bites the gutter. + + Down by the Brandenburger Thor + Kitchens are worked by cooks of war; + Loyal moustaches cease to sag, + Leaping for joy of the old war-flag; + Drums are beating and bugles blare + And passionate bandsmen rip the air; + Prussia's original ardour rallies + At the sound of _Deutschland ueber alles_, + And warriors slap their fighting pants + To the tune _Heil dir im Siegeskranz_. + + Life, in a word, recalls the phase + Of the glorious Hohenzollern days. + What if a War's meanwhile occurred + And talk of a humbling Peace been heard? + Treaties are meant to be torn in two + And wars are made to be fought anew. + _Hoch_! for the _Tag_, by land and main, + When the Monarchy comes to its own again. + + Surely tho wind of it, faint but sweet, + The Old Man sniffed in his Dutch retreat; + Surely it gave his pulse a jog + As he went for his thirteen thousandth log, + Possibly causing the axe to jam + When he thought of his derelict Potsdam, + Of his orb mislaid and his head's deflation, + And visions arose of a Restoration. + (If not for himself, it might be done + For LITTLE WILLIE or WILLIE'S son). + + Alas for the chances of child or sire! + The _coup_ went phut, for the KAPP missed fire. + +O.S. + + * * * * * + +A FLAT TO LET. + +It was twelve o'clock (noon) and I was sitting over the fire in our +squalid lodgings reading the attractive advertisements of country +mansions in a weekly journal. I had just decided on a delightful Tudor +manor-house with every modern convenience, a nice little park and +excellent fishing and shooting, when Betty burst upon me like a +whirlwind. + +Her face was flushed and a fierce light shone in her usually mild +blue eyes. She looked like a Maenad or the incarnation of Victory at a +bargain sale. + +"Come on," she gasped, seizing me by the arm. "Hurry." + +"Good heavens! Is the house on fire? My child! Let me save my child." + +"Oh, do come on," cried Betty; "there's not a moment to be lost." + +"But how can I come on in slippers?" I demanded. "If I may not save +the young Henry Augustus, at any rate let me put on my boots." + +Betty's only reply was to drag me from the room, hustle me through the +hall, where I dexterously caught my hat from the stand in passing, and +thrust me into the street. + +"I've got a flat," she panted. "That is, I've got it if we're quick +enough. Hi, taxi!" + +"But, my dear," I remonstrated as the taxi-driver, cowed by the look +in her eye, drew up to the kerb, "if we take a taxi we shan't have +anything left to pay for the flat." + +"Victory Mansions, Trebarwith Road. Drive fast!" shouted Betty as she +pushed me into the cab. + +"Now you've done it," I said bitterly. "Do you know I've only five +pounds ten on me at the moment? We shall lose the flat while we're +quarrelling with the driver." + +"Oh, dear," cried Betty, "can't you see that this is serious? It was a +wonderful piece of luck. I was passing the mansions and I happened to +look up just as someone was sticking up a notice, 'Flat to Let,' in +one of the windows. There was a beast of a man on the other side of +the street and he simply leapt across the road. I slipped, or I should +have beaten him. As it was he got to the door a yard ahead of me. We +looked over the flat together, but of course he was first, and he +said he was sure it would suit him, only he must ask his wife. It was +awful! I felt as if I must kill him." + +"So you followed him out and pushed him down the lift-shaft? My dear +brave girl!" + +"No, but I heard him say he could be back in half-an-hour. I knew I +could do it in twenty-five minutes. Look!" Betty crushed my hand as in +a vice. "There he is." + +As we took a corner on two wheels I looked out and saw a man running. +"Taxi!" he shouted in the hoarse voice of despair. Our driver sat like +a graven image and we swept on in triumph. + +"Oh!" cried Betty suddenly, "suppose that, after all, somebody +else----" She choked on a sob. + +"Courage, dear heart," I said. "All is not yet lost." + +A moment later we had reached Victory Mansions and made a dash for the +flat. + +"Are we in time?" asked Betty as the door was opened. + +"I think so, Ma'am," said the smiling maid and ushered us into the +presence of the out-going tenant. A tour of the rooms at express speed +showed the flat to be a desirable one enough. There were three years +to run and the rent was not extortionate--for the times. + +"I'll sign the agreement now," said I. + +"Half-a-minute," said the out-going tenant as he produced the +documents; "I'll get a pen and ink." + +The whirr of an electric bell resounded through the flat. + +"Quick!" panted Betty. "Your fountain pen." I produced it and wrote my +name with a hand trembling with eagerness. + +"A gentleman about the flat, Sir," said the maid, and, haggard, pale +and exhausted, our defeated rival staggered into the room. + +He looked at us with a dumb agony in his eyes, and neither of us two +men had the courage to deal the fatal blow. It was Betty who spoke. + +"I'm sorry, but we've just taken this flat," she said sweetly, and +added with true feminine cruelty, "I saw it first, you know." + +The stranger lost control and crashed badly on the hearth-rug. + +"Poor man," said Betty to the late tenant. "Be kind to him for our +sakes." Then she led the way to our cab. + +"Hotel Splendid!" I said magnificently to the driver. + +"Wot," he growled, "not in them slippers?" + +"True," I said, with what dignity I could muster, and gave him the +address of our lodgings. + +"None the less," I said to Betty, "you shall lunch among the +profiteers. This is a great day, and it is yours." + + * * * * * + + THE INTER-UNIVERSITY SPORTS. + + Great interest is being taken in the plucky attempt of Cambridge + to beat America, Africa and Europe (with Oxford). + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: WHAT'S IN A NAME? + +MATE. "WHILE WE _ARE_ DOIN' HER UP, WHAT ABOUT GIVIN' HER A NEW NAME? +HOW WOULD 'FUSION' DO?" + +CAPTAIN. "'FUSION' OR 'CONFUSION'--IT'S ALL ONE TO ME SO LONG AS I'M +SKIPPER."] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _First Juvenile Spectator (as the Oxford crew go out +to practice)_. "THERE Y'ARE, 'ERR--WOT DID I TELL YER? THEY '_AVE_ GOT +ONLY ONE OAR EACH!" + +_Second ditto_. "YOU WAIT TILL THE DAY OF THE RACE!"] + + * * * * * + +THE LAST OF THE WATCH DOGS. + +MY DEAR CHARLES,--In all the stirring history of the War I don't know +which has been the most moving sight: the War Office trying to get me +to be a soldier, or the War Oflice trying to get me to stop being a +soldier. + +Before the late Summer of 1914, England had evinced no burning +interest in its Henry. It had, in fact, left me to make my own way, +contenting itself with cautioning me if I didn't stick to the right +side of the road, or to fining me if I exceeded the speed limit. In +August of that memorable year it got, you will remember, mixed up +in rather a nasty bother. Searching for friends to get it out, it +bethought itself of Henry, along with 499,999 others whose names for +the moment I do not recall. Between us (with subsequent assistance) we +set things to rights, and nothing remained for Old England save to rid +itself gracefully of what remained of its few millions of new-found +friends. There was, however, no shaking off its bosom pal, Henry. I +am one of those loyal characters whose affection, once gained, nothing +can undo. No use saying to me: "Well, old man, it's getting late now; +you must come and see us again some other day." I am one of the sort +who answer: "Don't you worry yourself about that. I'm going to stay +and go on seeing you now." + +In the early days of demobilisation there was, I think, a certain +novelty and attraction about my attitude to the problem. In contrast +to the impatient hordes crowding the entrance of the War Office, +ringing the front-door bell violently, tapping on the window-panes +and generally disturbing that serene atmosphere of peace which was the +great feature of the War in Whitehall, it was refreshing to think +of Henry, plugging quietly away elsewhere at his military duties, +undeterred by armistices, peaces and things of that kind. I fancy I +was well thought of in those days at the War House. + +"Say what you like about him," I can hear A.G.4 remarking to M.S.19 +(decimal 9 recurring) as they met in the corridor on their way to +lunch, "but I find him a patient, well-behaved young fellow." + +"Yes," would be the thoughtful answer, "it seems almost a pity we are +going to lose him." + +Speaking strictly between ourselves, I have never thought much of the +Military Secretary branch. What made them think they were going to +lose me as easily as all that? + +What I said to myself was: "Henry, my lad, thirteen shillings and +elevenpence a day is thirteen shillings and elevenpence a day; now +isn't it? And war isn't war when there is a peace coming on. Why then +throw up a fat income just for the sake of getting into long trousers? +You stay where you are till they come and fetch you." + +So I just stayed where I was, and I conducted the operation with such +ability and tact that Whitehall came to forget all about me. My name +went on appearing, with ever-increasing dignity and beauty, in the +Army List; but that made no difference. You see, though lots of people +write the Army List, no one ever reads it; only from time to time +a man will surreptitiously turn up his own name, just to renew his +feeling of self-importance, or in an emergency he will look up the +name of a friend in order to get the right initials after it and not +risk giving that personal offence which may prevent the loan.... + +But when I say that I stayed where I was I don't mean to suggest that +I didn't go on leave in the usual way. Indeed I often came home, in +full regimentals, too, partly to impress you and partly to travel +first-class at your expense. Fellow-passengers never thought of +turning on me and rending me, as being the cause of +six-shillings-in-the-pound. They would be extremely polite and make +friendly conversation with me, leading up to the point that they had +been soldiers themselves once, but had given it up, owing to having +been told that the War was finished. + +I would be just as polite to them, telling them they might count on +me to return to the discomforts and risks of civil life as soon as I +could be spared from the front. They had never the intelligence, or +daring to ask, "The front of what?" + +Now the climax has arrived; I am asked if they must throw me out or +will I go quietly? I fancy I have been caught by one of those +card-indexes. I suspect some Departmental General of showing off to a +friend. "This is my IN basket," I can hear him explaining as he shows +his audience his office; "every letter which comes in goes into the +IN. That is my OUT basket, and every letter which goes out goes out of +the OUT. + +"And then, Sir, we have the Card Index. A complete record of every +officer in the Army, permanent or temporary." + +"Are there still temporary officers in the Army?" asks the audience, +not being able to think of anything better to ask, and clearly being +called upon to ask something. + +"Sergeant-Major, turn up 'Officers, army, temporary, the, in,' for +this gentleman." + +And thus the shameful truth comes out. One card only--mine. + +Exit audience wondering what manner of intrepid man this Henry might +be. + +Originally the W.O. had had a great idea; they caused my regiment +softly and silently to vanish away, thinking that I would vanish with +it. But I had been too sharp for them. Learning that they were bent +on "disembodying" me, and not liking the sound of the word, I had very +quietly removed myself from my regiment to the Staff. Thus for a few +happy months we see the W.O. rendered inert. + +My final defeat was due to a chance remark of my own, made to one of +the fifty-nine officers under whose direct command I served. Upon +my first arriving on his Staff he had said to me, "Oh, by the way, +P.S.C., of course?" Quite affable, frank and to the point; "P.S.C., of +course?" + +Not knowing the language, I could not make an equally affable answer. +I asked him to repeat the question, but to change the code. + +"You have Passed Staff College, of course?" he said a little less +affably. + +I then had the misfortune to answer: "Why, of course, if you mean that +tall building on the right as I came up here from the station?" + +He then made up his mind that I was not only wanting in essential +parts, but was also the sort of person who jested on religious +subjects. He never forgot the matter; indeed, when applied to (under +"Secret and Confidential" cover) to suggest a means of getting rid of +me, he very clearly remembered it. At once every department in the War +House got busy; the interest of the Secretary of State was enlisted, +and the War Cabinet decided that for permanent purposes my post +must necessarily be held by a P.S.C. man. Done in by what was little +better, when you come to think of it, than a mere postscript. + +Please understand that there was no talk of discharging me; no talk +of demobilising me; no talk even of disembodying me. Without any +reflection on my conduct and merely upon the grounds that, not being +P.S.C., I could not be regarded as quite right in the head, they +intimated their intention of vacating my appointment by the simple +process of an advertisement in the fashionable columns of _The London +Gazette_. + +"What happens next?" I asked. + +"You will return to regimental duty," they said. + +"But there isn't any regiment," I pointed out triumphantly, "therefore +there won't be any duty." + +They didn't seem to mind that, and for some time I wondered why. Then +a thought occurred to me. + +"But here, I say, what about my pay?" + +"Ah!" said they unhelpfully.... + +And that, my dear Charles, is why, if you keep your eye on the +journals of (say) the Summer of 1925, you will read in the Stop-press +Column an urgent telegram from the W.O.: "On April 1st, 1920, the +following relinquishes his appointment + +(Remaining, however, + Yours always), HENRY." + + * * * * * + + ANOTHER IMPENDING APOLOGY. + + "MOTHERS' UNION.-- ... A helpful discussion followed on 'How + to Deal with Unworthy Members.' There were about 50 + present."--_Parish Magazine_. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Old Lady_. "WILL YOU PLEASE PUT ME DOWN AT THE SAME +PLACE AS YOU DID LAST FRIDAY WEEK?"] + + * * * * * + +THE PRACTICE OF THE CREWS. + +(_Ballad after C.S.C._) + + The reporter aired his aquatic lore + (_Popply water in Corney Reach_,) + A thing he had yearly essayed before; + And a rowing jargon obscured his speech. + + The coach he coached with a megaphone + (_Crabtree, Craven and Chiswick Eyot_) + Till the crew were prone to emit a groan, + And the Cox said nothing but "Bow, you're late." + + The Stroke he quickened to thirty-four + (_In the first half-minute struck seventeen_) + Some clocks returned it a trifle more, + Which wasn't so good as it might have been. + + The towpath critic he shook his head + (_Thornycroft's, where they began to row_): + "Hung over the stretcher" was what he said, + And "missed the beginning," and "hands too slow." + + The towpath critic, whoe'er he be + (_A tug and some barges blocked the way_), + For thirty odd years, it seems to me, + Has never found anything else to say. + + The towpath critic's remarks are trite + (_Off Ayling's Yard in a stiffish breeze_), + Yet I study religiously morn and night + Whole columns consisting of words like these. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: MANNERS AND MODES. + +THE COMPANY-PROMOTER'S PROBLEM--HOW TO UTILISE THE BOOM IN SPRING.] + + * * * * * + +THE GENIUS OF MR. BRADSHAW. + +(_By our Literary Expert._) + +No one will be surprised to hear that the Christian name of Mr. +BRADSHAW was George. Indeed, it is difficult to think what other name +a man of his calibre could have had. But many people will be surprised +to hear that Mr. BRADSHAW is no longer alive. Whatever one thinks +of his work one is inclined to think of him as a living personality, +working laboriously at some terminus--probably at the Charing Cross +Hotel. But it is not so. He died, in fact, in 1853. His first book--or +rather the first edition of his book[1] was published in 1839; yet, +unlike the author, it still lives. He is, in fact, the supreme example +of the posthumous serial writer. I have no information about Mr. +DEBRETT and Mr. BURKE, but the style and substance of their work are +relatively so flimsy that one is justified, I think, in neglecting +them. In any case their public is a limited one. So, of course, is Mr. +BRADSHAW'S; but it is better than theirs. Mr. DEBRETT'S book we read +idly in an idle hour; when we read Mr. BRADSHAW'S it is because we +feel that we simply must; and that perhaps is the surest test of +genius. + +It is no wonder that in some circles Mr. BRADSHAW holds a position +comparable only to the position of HOMER. I once knew an elderly +clergyman who knew the whole of Mr. BRADSHAW'S book by heart. He could +tell you without hesitation the time of any train from anywhere to +anywhere else. He looked forward each month to the new number, as +other people look forward to the new numbers of magazines. When it +came he skimmed eagerly through its pages and noted with a fierce +excitement that they had taken off the 5.30 from Larne Harbour, or +that the 7.30 from Galashiels was stopping that month at Shankend. He +knew all the connections; he knew all the restaurant trains; and, if +you mentioned the 6.15 to Little Buxton, he could tell you offhand +whether it was a Saturdays Only or a Saturdays Excepted. + +This is the exact truth, and I gathered that he was not unique. It +seems that there is a Bradshaw cult; there may even be a Bradshaw +club, where they meet at intervals for Bradshaw dinners, after which +a paper is read on "Changes I have made, with some Observations on +Salisbury." I suppose some of them have first editions, and talk about +them very proudly; and they have hot academic discussions on the best +way to get from Barnham Junction to Cardiff without going through +Bristol. Then they drink the toast of "The Master" and go home in +omnibuses. My friend was a schoolmaster and took a small class of boys +in Bradshaw; he said they knew as much about it as he did. I call that +corrupting the young. + +But apart from this little band of admirers I am afraid that the book +does suffer from neglect. Who is there, for example, who has read +the "Directions" on page 1, where we are actually shown the method +of reading tentatively suggested by the author himself? The ordinary +reader, coming across a certain kind of thin line, lightly dismisses +it as a misprint or a restaurant car on Fridays. If he had read the +Preface he would know that it meant a SHUNT. He would know that a +SHUNT means that passengers are enabled to continue their journey by +changing into the next train. Whether he would know what that means I +do not know. The best authorities suppose it to be a poetical way of +saying that you have to change--what is called an euphemism. + +No, you must not neglect the Preface; and you must not neglect the +Appendix on Hotels. As sometimes happens in works of a philanthropic +character, Mr. BRADSHAW'S Appendix has a human charm that is lacking +in his treatment of his principal theme, the arrival and departure +of trains. To the careful student it reveals also a high degree +of organisation among his collaborators, the hotel-managers. It is +obvious, for example, that at Bournemouth there must be at least one +hotel which has the finest situation on the South coast. Indeed +one would expect to find that there was more than one. But no; +Bournemouth, exceptionally fortunate in having at once the most select +hotel on the South coast, the largest and best-appointed hotel on the +South coast and the largest and most up-to-date hotel on the South +coast, has positively only one which has the finest position on +the South coast. Indeed, there is only one of these in the whole of +England, though there are two which have the finest position on the +East coast. + +How is it, we wonder, that with so much variation on a single theme +such artistic restraint is achieved? It is clear, I think, that before +they send in their manuscripts the hotel-managers must meet somewhere +and agree together the exact terms of their contributions to the book. +"The George" agrees that for the coming year "The Crown" shall have +the "finest cuisine in England," provided "The George" may have "the +most charming situation imaginable," and so on. I should like to be at +one of those meetings. + +This is the only theory which accounts for the curious phrases we +find so frequently in the text:--"_Acknowledged_ to be the finest"; +"_Admittedly_ in the best position." Who is it that acknowledges or +admits these things? It must be the other managers at these annual +meetings. Yes, the restraint of the collaborators is wonderful, and in +one point only has it broken down. There are no fewer than seventeen +hotels with an Unrivalled Situation, and two of these are at +Harrogate. For a small place like the British Isles it seems to me +that this is too many. + +For the rest, what imagery, what exaltation we find in this Appendix! +Dazed with imagined beauty we pass from one splendid haunt to another. +One of them has _three_ golf-courses of its own; several are _replete_ +with every comfort (and is not "replete" the perfect epithet?). Here +is a seductive one "on the sea-edge," and another whose principal +glory is its sanitary certificate. Another stands on the spot where +TENNYSON received his inspiration for the _Idylls of the King_, and +leaves it at that. In such a spot even "cuisine" is negligible. + +On the whole, from a literary point of view, the hydros come out +better than the mere hotels. But of course they have unequalled +advantages. With such material as Dowsing Radiant Heat, D'Arsonval +High Frequency and Fango Mud Treatment almost any writer could be +sensational. What is High Frequency, I wonder? It is clear, at any +rate, that it would be madness to have a hydro without it. + +Well, I have selected my hotel--on purely literary grounds. Or rather +I have selected two. One is the place where they have the Famous +Whirlpool Baths. I shall go there at once. + +The manager of the other is a great artist; alone among the +collaborators he understands simplicity. His contribution occupies +a whole page; but there is practically nothing in it, nothing about +cuisine or sanitation, or elegance or comfort. Only, in the middle, he +writes quite simply THE MOST PERFECT HOTEL IN THE WORLD. + +A.P.H. + +[Footnote 1: "Bradshaw's General Railway and Steam Navigation Guide +for Great Britain and Ireland."] + + * * * * * + + A ZOOLOGICAL CURIOSITY. + + "The complaint made was that men came to the district and + asked inflated prices for shares, far above the market value, + and it was argued that the new exchange would tend to obviate + this system of sharks feathering their nests."--_Lancashire + Paper_. + * * * * * + +[Illustration: BEHIND THE SCENES IN CINEMA-LAND. + +"THAT'S FINE. BUT, AS I HAVEN'T GOT ANY FILMS LEFT, I SUPPOSE THERE'S +NO USE STAYING HERE."] + + * * * * * + +AN INTER-SERVICE MATCH. + +(_With the British Army in France_.) + +Frederick entered the Mess with a decided sea-roll, hitched his slacks +and berthed himself on the starboard settee. + +"Cheerio, my hearties," said he breezily. "Everybody on the old lugger +still luffing along all serene?" + +"Why so oppressively nautical?" inquired Percival. "You haven't been +on the leave-boat lately." + +"'Tis true, old messmate. I'm under the influence of my new batman, +one 'Enery 'Enson. After a lifetime in the Marines he's now spending +his declining days in the Army, and he's terribly infectious. I found +myself saying, 'Ay, ay, Sir,' when the C.O. spoke to me." + +"I think I've noticed your 'Enery," said Percival. "Isn't he about +ten feet high by six broad, tattooed all over like a circulating art +gallery, and addicted to chewing quids and swabbing out your hut in +his bare feet?" + +"My cabin, you mean. And says he's going ashore when he takes a trip +down the village. That's 'Enery." + +"Incidentally he's a confirmed bath-lifter," interjected Binnie. +"Yesterday morning my batman prepared me a tub, and while he was +fetching me along your hulking pirate boosted out my sponge and towels +and installed your lily-white self in it. You were so busy wallowing +in my hot water that you never heard my protests on the door. You +really must curb his buccaneering instincts, old Tirps." + +"I accept no responsibility for his methods," said Frederick +haughtily; "I merely profit by them. In any case I didn't _take_ your +hot water; I simply used it. You should live near the bath-house and +get up promptly when you are called, as I do." + +"Well, I don't mind the British Navy ruling the waves," grumbled +Binnie, "but I object to its extending its sphere of influence over my +bath-water." + +"It jolly well doesn't extend over mine," said Percival with pride. +"Frederick's 'Enery doesn't get the better of my Elfred. This morning +a queue, consisting of two perfectly good Loots, a really excellent +Skipper and a priceless Major were waiting for vacant baths. But was +Elfred Fry dismayed? To forestall an answer that might possibly be +wrong I may say that he wasn't. He promptly appropriated a cubicle +that happened to be unoccupied--" + +"Really, my frowsty old Camembert, don't ask us to believe that they +had _all_ overlooked it," expostulated Frederick. + +"Not for worlds would I endeavour to impose on your gentle trusting +natures. So far from their overlooking it the bath had been the +subject of earnest scrutiny, and they had all regretfully come to +the conclusion that it lacked one important attribute of a bath--it +wouldn't hold water. The plug was missing." + +"And by a singular chance the plug happened to be in the possession of +your Elfred?" + +"That is my case, me luds," said Percival simply. "If the silent Navy +wants to beat my Elfred it's got to rise very early in the morning." + +"We shall see," said Frederick darkly. "I'm going to tell this tale to +the Marines." + +That evening the troops had organised a stupendous boxing tournament +in the Recreation Hut. Binnie by invitation combined the offices +of referee, M.C. and timekeeper, and Frederick and Percival at the +ring-side unanimously disagreed with his verdicts. + +"Most appalling decision," said Percival in a loud whisper. "The +referee has obviously been got at." + +"Sh!" replied Frederick. "He hasn't been told it's a boxing contest. +He thinks it's a clog-dancing competition and is giving the points for +footwork." + +Unfortunately the M.C. did not hear. He was speaking himself. + +"The next bout should conclude our programme," he said, "but I am +asked to announce that Private Henson challenges Private Fry to box +six two-minute rounds, backing himself for five francs against a small +article of no intrinsic value." + +Enthusiastic applause greeted the announcement. A disturbance in the +rear of the hut indicated that Elfred was heading for cover. + +"'E 's twice my size," he wailed as strong hands hauled him back. + +"The challenger admits that he holds a slight advantage in weight," +continued the M.C., "but considers that is counterbalanced by his +advanced years." + +"This is _your_ fiendish work," hissed Percival to Frederick. + +"Not a bit of it, old sportsman," replied Frederick cheerfully. "The +patent rights are held by 'Enery. I merely mentioned to him that +Elfred possessed a desirable bath-plug that it might be useful to +acquire." + +Percival left his seat to confer with the shrinking Elfred. + +"'E can 'ave the old bath-plug an' welcome, Sir, as far as I'm +concerned," said the latter. + +"Tut, tut!" said Percival. "You must make a fight for it. The honour +of the Army is at stake." + +"I ain't all that set on the honour of the Army," said Elfred. "But +'im being the challenger, shouldn't I be justified in putting the plug +in one of my gloves?" + +"The rules don't provide for such a contingency. Hurry up now and get +stripped, and I'll give you twenty francs if you win." + +Both combatants were warmly received. 'Enery's decorative tattooing +was much admired, and Elfred was urgently requested not to spoil +the pictures. By desire of the referee the stakes were handed to +him--Frederick producing the five francs for 'Enery--and the battle +commenced. + +It was early evident that the Navy intended shock tactics, while the +Army favoured a system of elastic defence. A salvo of short-arm jabs +by 'Enery was answered by long-range sniping on the part of Elfred, +no direct hits being recorded. Towards the end of the round 'Enery +attempted to approach under cover of a smoke screen, but action was +broken off at the sound of the gong. + +The second round opened sensationally. Elfred, on the advice of his +seconds, was "making use of the ring" when he accidentally collided +with his opponent coming in the reverse direction and gave him a +violent thump without return. There seemed every prospect of trouble, +but clever footwork prevented the incident developing into a _fracas_. +Round two concluded with Elfred leading handsomely by one point to +nothing. + +"Two to one on Elfred," said Percival excitedly. + +"Take you--in bath plugs," answered Frederick, carefully entering the +bet. + +'Enery equalised in the third round, Elfred having incautiously +wandered into the track of a stray upper-cut and bounced off. More +footwork followed, Elfred winning by about two yards. Both were +breathing heavily when time was called, and 'Enery was complaining +about his bronchitis. + +Skirmishing tactics in the fourth round resulted in Elfred having +a narrow escape from being torpedoed beneath the belt, and during +several subsequent clinches he was requested to stop studying the +pictures and get on with the business. + +The fifth and sixth rounds were marked by the departure of most of the +spectators, and in the end a draw was the only possible verdict. + +"But what about the plug, old scout?" asked Percival, as they wandered +back to their quarters. + +"As referee," answered Binnie, "I gave a draw; as Battalion Boxing +Board of Control I order the match to be re-fought in six months' +time, to give the men a chance to get into condition; and meanwhile as +stakeholder I continue to hold the five francs and the bath-plug." + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Profiteer_ (_to M.F.H._). "LOOK 'ERE!--THIS IS THE +THIRD TIME I'VE BEEN OUT WITH YOUR CROWD, AN' Y' 'AVEN'T CAUGHT A +FOX. BEST THING _YOU_ CAN DO IS TO GIMME BACK ME 'SUB' AN' SELL YER +BLOOMIN' DOGS!"] + + * * * * * + +[ILLUSTRATION: _BLUSTEROUS PERSON_ (_WHO HAS FORCED A CIGAR ON +UNWILLING CLUB ACQUAINTANCE_), "THERE MY BOY--YOU DON'T OFTEN SMOKE A +THING LIKE THAT! THAT'S SOMETHING LIKE A CIGAR, EH?" + +_The Victim_. "YES--SOMETHING. WHAT IS IT?"] + + * * * * * + +THE TRUE SONG-STUFF. + + [A writer in an evening paper describes a certain song as + being sung, "sometimes with a lump in the throat and a tear in + the eye," all over England.] + + If you wish to succeed as a writer + Of songs that undoubtedly count, + By making the atmosphere brighter, + The moral barometer mount, + Then be it your aim and endeavour to try + For the lump in the throat and the tear in the eye. + + SCRIABINE and STRAVINSKY may flatter + The ears of the brainy _elite_, + But the musical numbers that matter + Express what is simple and sweet; + You may easily miss, by aspiring too high, + Both the lump in the throat and the tear in the eye. + + Though cynics conspire to repress it, + To sentiment, "heavenly link" + (As the Bard of Savoy would address it), + With joy "I eternally drink;" + For it gives us the key, which no science can buy, + To the lump in the throat and the tear in the eye. + + But, if you are anti-Victorian + And, scorning the coo of the dove, + Hold the roar of the primitive Saurian + The final expression of love, + You may have, if you choose, an alternative shy + At a tear in the throat and a lump in the eye. + + * * * * * + + "For 70 years Regent Street has basked in sunshine, and now + it is to be cast into shadow again. It will be like a gloomy + canon between dour stone walls."--_Daily Chronicle_. + +We have heard of a gloomy Dean, whose habitat answers to the +description given. Can this be his understudy? + + * * * * * + + "The 'brasses' worn by the modern cart-horse are a direct + survival of the amulets which bedecked the horses of the time + of Julius Caesar. They are worn on the farthingale as charms + against the Evil Eye."--_Daily Paper_. + +You should see our Clydesdale in her crinoline. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: AN UNPOPULAR REVIVAL. + +FRITZ. "THIS IS NO GOOD TO ME NOW. YOU WANT A SWELLED HEAD FOR THIS +SORT OF THING."] + + * * * * * + +ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT. + +_Monday, March 15th_. The great Food-prices debate hardly justified +its preliminary advertisement. Mr. MCCURDY took sure ground when he +argued that high prices were mainly due to world-shortage; and, +though he entered more disputable territory when he declared that the +Profiteering Act was not primarily intended to punish profiteers, +Mr. ASQUITH did not seriously attempt to dislodge him. Indeed, the +EX-PREMIER'S speech was mainly composed of truisms, his only excursion +into the speculative being an assertion--with which not all economists +will agree--that inflation of currency is a consequence and not a +cause of high prices. + +An ex-Food Controller, Mr. GEORGE ROBERTS, defended the Government +against charges of extravagance, and ventured to remind Labour--as +THOMAS DRUMMOND reminded Irish landlords--that it had duties as well +as rights. + +Early in the evening the PRIME MINISTER, who had sat through many +speeches in readiness for the threatened attack, folded his notes and +silently stole away. + +On the adjournment General PAGE CROFT accused the Ministry of +Munitions of unfair treatment to one of its employees. The peroration +to Mr. KELLAWAY'S spirited defence deserves quotation: "The decision +taken by the Ministry is a decision that will stand." That's the stuff +to give 'em. + +_Tuesday, March 16th_.--"The LORD CHANCELLOR was so unusually +apologetic in his exposition of the War Emergency Laws (Continuance) +Bill that none of the Peers had the heart seriously to oppose him. +Lord SALISBURY took note of the Government's admission that they +were anxious to say Good-bye to D.O.R.A. and only complained that the +farewell ceremony was so long-drawn-out. Lord BUCKMASTER failed to +understand why D.O.R.A. should have a longer life in Ireland than in +England, and was so carried away by his own eloquence as to declare +that all the crimes attributed to the Sinn Feiners had been due +"to misguided attempts to enforce special legislation against a +misunderstood and a gallant people." Lord BIRKENHEAD replied that +there was at least a plausible case for the contention that the boot +was on the other leg. + +[Illustration: "CONTROLLERS" CONTROLLED. + +MR CLYNES. MR. MCCURDY. MR. G. ROBERTS.] + +It is unusual to find Members of the House of Commons objecting to +their speeches being reported, but apparently some of them do--when +the reporters are police constables. The HOME SECRETARY thought it +quite possible that if Members attended certain meetings the official +stenographers might think it worth while to take down their utterances +but I gathered that he was not prepared to give any guarantee on the +subject, and that Colonel WEDGWOOD and Lieut.-Commander KENWORTHY must +not count too confidently on having a further road to fame opened to +them. + +[Illustration: THE CORNUCOPIA, OR HORNE OF PLENTY. SIR ROBERT HORNE.] + +Mr. BONAR LAW read a telegram from Lord KILMARNOCK regarding the +situation in Berlin. As it was already a day old, was admittedly based +on a _communique_ from _Wolff's Bureau_, "censored" by Mr. TREBITSCH +LINCOLN (late Liberal Member for Darlington), and had in the meantime +been officially contradicted by the old Government, it did not add +much to our knowledge. + +Time was when it was usual to move to reduce a Vote by a hundred +pounds if you wanted to defeat the Government. But such paltry figures +are no good in these spacious days. Sir DONALD MACLEANS'S proposed +reduction in the Vote on Account for the Civil Services was the +much more mouth-filling morsel of one hundred million pounds. Mr. +CHAMBERLAIN considered it very handsome of the Opposition, on the +eve, he understood, of coming into office, thus to cut off its own +supplies. Nevertheless he declined to accept the generous offer. Our +finances would be all right if the House would back the Government by +practising economy as well as preaching it. As it was, he thought the +worst was over, for--strange and agreeable phenomenon--the floating +debt was sinking. + +After this it was, perhaps, not very complimentary'of Mr. J.W. WILSON +to urge the Government to put forth their best speakers. The PRIME +MINISTER was still coy, but Sir ROBERT HORNE, in virtue of his new +office as President of the Board of Trade, stepped nimbly into the +breach, and made a speech so cheerful both in substance and delivery +as to justify the hope that in him the Government have found the HORNE +of Plenty. + +_Wednesday, March 17th_.--Seventeen years ago Lord BALFOUR OF +BURLEIGH, as a hard-shell Free Trader, sacrificed office sooner than +bow the knee to the new gods of Birmingham. This afternoon he brought +in a Bill (to safeguard "key industries" and counteract "dumping") +which would have gladdened the heart of Mr. JOSEPH CHAMBERLAIN. Some +of the other Free Trade Peers were still unrepentant. Lord BEAUCHAMP, +for example, declaring that shipping was our real "quay-industry" and +needed no protection, announced his intention of moving the rejection +of the Bill; and Lord CREWE, although one of the authors of the Paris +resolutions, on which the measure was ostensibly based, thought that +it went far beyond present necessities. The only dumps with which +Germany was likely to be associated for some time to come were +doleful, not aggressive. + +The Report of the Supplementary Estimates furnished the Commons with +abundant points for criticism. In protesting against an increase in +the remuneration of the Law Officers, Mr. HOGGE revealed a hitherto +unsuspected admiration for the PRIME MINISTER, whose services, he +considered, were most inadequately rewarded with five thousand pounds +a year and no pension. If anyone deserved an increase of salary it was +he. + +Mr. TYSON-WILSON had the temerity to complain that the Government were +not finding work for all the disabled ex-Service men whom they trained +in the technical schools, and laid himself open to a damaging "_tu +quoque_" from Sir ROBERT HORNE, who pointed out that this lack of +employment was largely due to the trade unions, which refused to admit +these men as "improvers." + +In introducing the Naval Estimates for eighty odd millions Mr. LONG +was almost apologetic for not having made them larger. The _personnel_ +has been drastically reduced, and parents are actually being offered a +premium of three hundred pounds to remove their sons from Osborne. On +the other hand promotion from the lower deck was to be encouraged, and +in future every youngster entering the Navy would metaphorically carry +a broad-pennant in his ditty-box. + +_Thursday, March 18th_.--A proposal to erect a military monument on +a hill near Jerusalem was adversely criticised by Lord TREOWEN. Lord +SOUTHBOROUGH, as a recent visitor to the Holy City, thought that the +Government would be better advised to demolish some of the recent +buildings, including the ex-Kaiser's ridiculous clock-tower, which had +not even the negative merit of telling the time. + +In consequence of his rather exhausting seance with the Liberal +Party the PRIME MINISTER was looking a little jaded. But he perked +up wonderfully when Mr. WILL THORNE, _a propos_ of a story that +the Russian Soviet Government had introduced martial law into the +workshops, asked whether he did not think that all able-bodied people +ought to be compelled to work. There was the old twinkle in his eyes +as he replied that it would be very interesting to know if that was +the view of the trade unions. From recent information I gather that +the bricklayers, at any rate, would not subscribe to it. + +Upon the further consideration of the Navy Estimates General SEELY +urged the re-establishment of the Committee of Imperial Defence. Mr. +LONG said the Admiralty were most anxious for it. Mr. ASQUITH also +approved, but from his ten years' experience as its President entered +a _caveat_ against expecting the Committee to take upon itself +executive functions. "Had it done so," he observed, "there would have +been collisions, cross-purposes, waste of application, and in many +cases something approaching to administrative confusion." Which +things of course never occurred under his _regime_ of--shall I +say?--expectant watchfulness. + +The rest of the debate was chiefly remarkable for Lady ASTOR'S bold +declaration, "The sea belongs to England, and it could not be in +better hands." Coming from a country-woman of Mr. DANIELS it was +doubly exhilarating. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Captain_. "'ERE LET'S PACK UP NOW; IT'S GETTING LATE. +BESIDES, THE KID WANTS HIS SHIRT BACK."] + + * * * * * + + "DIRECT ACTION" AT PUTNEY. + + "When the Light Blues went out a second time R.C. Barrett, of + the winning trial eight crew, was at strike,--_Daily Paper_. + + * * * * * + +NEMESIS. + + Kindly the dentist was, for he + Had obviously sought + To keep his waiting victims free + From apprehensive thought, + Providing for those souls in fear + The Comic Press of yesteryear. + + I read those jests of days agone, + Those jibes at folly flown, + And wondered should I light upon + Some trifle of my own, + A par well pointed in its time + Or fragment of reputed rhyme. + + Could I retrieve some sparkling fytte + Bedecked with _jeux de mots_, + I fancied that the sight of it + Might soothe my present woe, + Reminding me how once I had + Been quite a jocund kind of lad. + + Lo, what a foolish hope was this! + I realised too soon + The special form of Nemesis + That waits on the buffoon: + _The joke I found concerned the gloom + Inside a dentist's waiting-room_. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: "HE HADN'T BEEN DEAD A WEEK WHEN THEY STARTED +QUARRELLING OVER HIS ESTATE." + +"DID HE LEAVE MUCH?" "NO--ONLY THREE GALLONS."] + + * * * * * + +THE LATEST PARTY. + +(_Being the Diary of a well-intentioned Voter_.) + +_Monday_. Important article in my morning paper on the serious +political outlook. Recommends the formation of a new party to carry +out progressive reforms and combat the forces of Revolution and +Anarchy. Sounds excellent. The new party is to be called the People's +Party. I decide to join it. + +_Tuesday_.--By a fortunate mistake my newsagent placed wrong paper on +my step to-day. Find I was being misled by the sheet I usually take. +A new party to carry out progressive reforms and combat the forces +of Revolution and Anarchy has already been formed. It is called the +National Party. I decide to join it. + +_Wednesday_.--Attended public meeting advertised as being in support +of the new party. Expected to hear all about the programme of the +National Party. Instead was urged to join the Modern Party, to carry +out progressive reforms and combat the forces of Revolution and +Anarchy. Signed card before leaving the hall pledging my support. + +_Thursday_.--Dined with Brooks, who takes very grave view of the state +of the country. Said what we really want is a new party. Went on +to outline some urgent progressive reforms and mentioned one or two +necessary steps for combating the forces of Revolution and Anarchy. +Suggested that he and I should try to start a local branch of the +Britannic Party. Seemed so enthusiastic that I hadn't the heart to +refuse him. + +_Friday_.--Johnson called at the office during my busiest hour. Wanted +to enrol me as a member of a new party, to be known as the Efficiency +Party. No time to go into it properly, so agreed, to get rid of him. +Anyhow, the object's a good one. It was something about progressive +reforms and combating the forces of Revolution and Anarchy. + +_Saturday_.--Heard at the Club that if the Coalition is not better +supported in their attempts to carry out progressive reforms and +combat the forces of Revolution and Anarchy, they will form themselves +into a new party and go to the country. Locally we are to have, in +addition to the retiring Coalitionist, a Free Liberal candidate, a +Labour Party candidate, a couple of Independent candidates, a People's +Party candidate, a National Party candidate, a Modern Party candidate, +a Britannic Party candidate, and an Efficiency Party candidate. Afraid +this would make my position extremely complicated. Decide to give +undivided support to the Coalition in the hope of averting a General +Election. + + * * * * * + +AT THE PLAY. + +"THE TRUTH ABOUT THE RUSSIAN DANCERS." + +With that uncanny tuition of his Sir JAMES BARRIE has, of course, hit +on the precise truth. Russian dancers are not born but made--by the +_Maestro_, which I take it is (broadly speaking) Italian for Producer +and Presenter. + +When _Karissima_ goes on a visit to the stately home of the _Veres_ +the peace of that ancient haunt of the conventionally correct is +queerly broken. Young _Lord Vere_ loses his heart. However, that might +just as easily or more easily have happened if the Gaiety had been +invited. But a dreadful change comes to _Uncle Bill_--he buys his +clothes ready-made (at _La boutique fantasque_, for a guess, or +possibly Mr. MALLABY-DEELEY'S), grows dundrearies and goes hopelessly +off his game at golf. + +_Karissima_, poor dear, can't walk or talk or putt, for that matter, +except with her toes. _Bill_ calls this last cheating, but young +_Vere_ thinks it simply adorable--as do we all. _Lady Vere_, his +mother, can't get used to being kissed by _Karissima_, who _will_ +stand upon her lightly with one foot, oddly waving the other +meanwhile in the air. Besides it takes too long and _is_ rather too +demonstrative. And couldn't _Karissima_ dear just try to walk with +her soles really flat on the ground in the solid English county way? +Certainly. _Karissima_ will try, to please Madame, and with painful +effort achieves a half-dozen clumsy steps till unconquerable habit and +Mr. ARNOLD BAX'S allusively witty music lift her on tiptoe again. And +really she is such a darling that the once reluctant dowager finally +consents to the marriage; wedding bells forthwith (within); a +white-haired clergyman, surprised at nothing, as becomes the very +best type of padre, appears; follow _corps de ballet_ bridesmaids; and +_Bill_ gives her away. + +_Karissima_, says _Vere_ to _Maestro_ later in the evening, is +depressed. Because she hasn't a child. They both tremendously want a +child. _Maestro_, silently showing his watch-dial, would seem to wish +to suggest that they were unreasonably impatient. _Karissima_ also +pleads. Well, he will see what he can do. But there's an awful +penalty. For a new Russian dancer cannot be made unless another +surrenders life. Anyway he fetches his black bag. And _Karissima_ +dances down the main staircase with her babe, who grows apace and is +shortly seen prancing in the garden (on his toes--"Thank Heaven!" says +the _Maestro_). + +And _Karissima_ dies and is brought in on her bier, and dances (she +_would_!) her own funeral service. _Maestro's_ heart is touched; he +lies down in her stead, and she, dancing on a carpet of thistle-down +shot with stars (I think), and her lord (I am sure), perpetually +exclaiming, "How perfectly topping!"--both achieve an enviable +immortality. + +Madame KARSAVINA is exquisite; she is well supported by Mr. C.M. +LOWNE (_Hon. Bill_), Mr. HERMAN DE LANGE (_Maestro_), Miss G. +STERROLL(_Dowager_), and Mr. BASIL FOSTER (_Lord Vere_). And I +thought I detected Mr. DU MAURIER'S appreciation of the bizarre in his +production. But the triumph is the triumph of the whimsical author. I +don't think he has ever done anything better; more ambitious things, +yes, but nothing so free from flaw. + +Isn't it more than possible that just three-score years ago, on a May +day (see _Who's Who_), some Maestro of Fantasy slipped into a little +house in Kirriemuir, N.B., with a black bag? Wouldn't that explain the +otherwise inexplicable, the unwearying resourcefulness, the unabashed +playfulness of this impenitent youth? + +T. + + * * * * * + +DRAM.BAC. + +A suggestion has been put forward, with the support of the British +Drama League and others, for the establishment at our universities of +a "Faculty of the Theatre and Dramatic Degree." Heartily applauding +the proposal, we append a typical examination paper for the final +school:-- + +(1) Sketch briefly the progress of amateur acting in this country, +from the impersonation of a Danish minstrel by ALFRED THE GREAT, to +the Victory Varieties Matinee arranged by Lady Eve Tatlery. + +(2) Arrange, in order of probability, the first fifty authors of +SHAKSPEARE. + +(3) "The Battle of Waterloo was won on the playing-fields of Eton." +Estimate the rival claims of the Windsor Strollers. + +(4) Indicate your make-up for ROMULUS, HENRY THE EIGHTH, ABRAHAM +LINCOLN. + +(5) What is a point, and how made? A "straight" line lies evenly +between any good points; give instances. + +(6) Under what dramatic conditions can a part be greater than the +whole? Cite the authority of any two actor-managers for this theory. + +(7) Explain, with diagrams, (a) The Eternal Triangle; (b) Squaring the +Upper Circle. + +(8) Illustrate the axiom that the length of a run varies with the +breadth of the dialogue. + +(9) What proportion of the music-hall comedians of Great Britain is +supplied by (a) Lancashire; (b) Scotland? + +(10) Which European drama requires most doors for its honeymoon +farces? + +(11) "What Manchester thinks to-day England will think next +Sunday evening." Analyse this statement in its bearing upon the +play-producing societies. + +(12) "Let who will make a nation's laws so that I make its songs." +Discuss the ethical and sociological significance of this with regard +to (a) "Where do flies go in the winter-time?" (b) "I _do_ like-an egg +with my tea." + +In the _viva-voce_ portion of the examination, candidates for Honours +will be required to satisfy the examiners (to the point of actual +tears) by their recital of selected passages from prepared books. +They may offer any two of the following: "Buckingham's Farewell;" "The +Signalman's Daughter;" "The Death of Little Nell" (_with voices_). + +For candidates not seeking Honours a passable imitation of Mr. GEORGE +ROBEY will entitle to one group. + +A.E. + + * * * * * + +TWO VIEWS. + + There was a high priest of illusion + Who rose by his leader's extrusion; + By way of amends + He invites his old friends + To extinguish their prospects by Fusion. + + There was a great foe of delusion, + Who came to the honest conclusion + That Socialist Labour + Plays beggar-my-neighbour + And sought to defeat it by Fusion. + + + * * * * * + + A LEAP-YEAR RECORD. + + "CAMBRIDGE UNIVERSITY SPORTS.--H.M. Abrahams winning the + long jump with a distance of 22yds. to his credit."--_Picture + Paper_. + + * * * * * + + "THE PREMIER AND HIS FUTURE. + + WHITHER GOETH THOU?"--_Headings in Daily Paper_. + +Answer adjudged correct: "I knowest not." + + * * * * * + + 'Wanted, a Horse for its keep. Excellent cuisine."--_The Times + of Ceylon_. + +_A la_ cart, we presume. + + * * * * * + + "A roof garden for cats is included in the scheme for + the extension of the premises of Our Dumb Friends' + League."--_Evening Paper_. + +We have heard the nocturnal cat on the tiles called many names, but +never a "dumb friend." + + * * * * * + + "The Police announce that dogs without dollars found wandering + after 10 p.m. are liable to be destroyed."--_Hong Kong Paper_. + +We understand, however, that in China dogs are almost invariably +provided with taels. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: TRIALS OF THE FISH-TRADE. + +"CLOTHES, MY DEAR! DON'T MENTION CLOTHES. YOU OUGHT TO BE IN THE FISH +LINE, WHY, I RUNS THROUGH A SET O' FURS IN ABOUT A MONTH!" + + * * * * * + +A NOTE TO NATURE, + +_accounting for my previous silence in an unusually temperate March +and also presenting an ultimatum._ + + Ye great brown hares, grown madder through the Spring! + Ye birds that utilise your tiny throttles + To make the archways of the forest ring + Or go about your easy house-hunting! + Ye toads! ye axolotls! + + Ye happy blighters all, that squeal and squat + And fly and browse where'er the mood entices, + Noting in every hedge or woodland grot + The swelling surge of sap, but noting not + The rise in current prices! + + But chiefly you, ye birds, whose jocund note + (Linnets and larks and jays and red-billed ousels) + Oft in those happier springtides now remote + Caused me to catch the lyre and clear my throat + After some coy refusals! + + Ay, and would cause me now--I have such bliss + Seeing the star-set vale, the pearls, the agates + Sown on the wintry boughs by Flora's kiss-- + Only the trouble in my case is this, + I do not feed on maggots. + + Could I but share your diet cheap and rude, + Your simple ways in trees and copses lurking; + But no, I need a pipe and lots of food, + A comfortable chair on which to brood-- + Silence! the bard is working. + + Could I but know that freedom from all care + That comes, I say, from gratis sets of suitings + And homes that need not premium nor repair + Except with sticks and mud and moss and hair, + My! there would be some flutings. + + So and so only would the ivory rod + Stir the wild strings once more to exaltation; + So and so only the impetuous god + Pound in my bosom and produce that odd + Tum-tiddly-um sensation. + + And often as I heard the throstles vamp, + Pouring their liquid notes like golden syrup, + Out would I go and round the garden tramp, + Wearing goloshes if the day were damp, + And imitate their chirrup. + + Or, bowling peacefully upon my bike, + Well breakfasted, by no distractions flustered, + Pause near a leafy copse or brambled dyke, + And answer song for song the black-backed shrike, + The curlew and the bustard. + + But now--ah, why prolong the dreadful strain?-- + Limply my hand the unstrung harp relaxes; + The dear old days will not come back again + Whatever Mr. AUSTEN CHAMBERLAIN + Does with the nation's taxes. + + Lambs, buds, leap up; the lark to heaven climbs; + Bread does the same; the price of baccy's brutal; + And save (I do not note it in _The Times_) + They make exemptions for evolving rhymes, + Dashed if I mean to tootle! + +EVOE. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Sportsman_ (_just emerged from the brook_). "FOUR IN, +DID YOU SAY? DASH IT ALL--JUST MY LUCK. GOT MY GLASSES ALL MUD AND +CAN'T SEE THER FUN."] + + * * * * * + +THE METHODS OF GENIUS. + +(_BY OUR SPECIAL LITERARY PARASITE_.) + +The public already know something of the painful difficulties under +which novelists labour at the present moment owing to the paper +shortage and the enhanced cost of book production. But "the economic +consequences of the Peace" by no means exhaust the handicaps of the +conscientious and sensitive novelist. We are glad therefore to note +the efforts of _The Daily Graphic_ to enlist the sympathy of the +public on behalf of this sorely tried and meritorious class. Our +contemporary tells us, for example, of one momentous writer who was +reduced to dictating blindfold "because the facial peculiarities of +first one and then another amanuensis" upset her equanimity. Then +there is the tragic story of Mr. R.L. HITCHENS, who, being engaged +to write an article against time, sent out for a stenographer, who on +arrival proved to be a man with a large black beard of so sinister +an aspect that Mr. HICHINS was forced to dismiss him and write the +article in his own hand. Yet Mr. HICHENSis not easily put off, for we +learn that he finds he works best in big hotels and not, as we might +have guessed, in the sequestered tranquillity of a minaret. + +To some writers solitude is the true school of genius. Yet Sir +LEWIS MORRIS found some of his happiest thoughts come to him while +travelling in the underground, while Mr. W.B. YEATS records a similar +experience as the result of a journey on the top of a tram-car. Your +advanced modernists, with MARINETTI at their head, find their best +stimulus to creative effort in the clang and clatter of machinery. +_per contra_, to return to _The Daily Graphic_, Mrs. C.N. WILLIAMSON +must have pretty things to look at "in business hours." But the +happiest of all our authors is Madame ALBANESI, who "finds her +brain-spur in a blank sheet of paper, and not the ghost of an idea +what she is going to write about." Less fortunate writers labour +assiduously only to leave the minds of their readers a blank, without +the ghost of an idea of what the author has been writing about. + +It is a pity that Mr. W.L. GEORGE, in his interesting survey of modern +writers of fiction in the _English Review_, has told us nothing +about the methods of the "Neo-Victorians" and "Semi-Victorians," +the "Edwardians" and "belated Edwardians," and the "Georgians" and +"Neo-Georgians." With all these classes he deals faithfully. But his +criticism is purely literary. He fails to tell us the things that +every reader wants to know. It is all very well to say that the +neo-Georgians "paint in ink," but he ought to have mentioned whether +it is green or red. Does Miss DOROTHY RICHARDSON dictate to the sound +of trumpets, garbed in crimson trouserloons? Does Mr. ARNOLD BENNETT +cantillate his "copy" into the horn of a graphophone or use a +motor-stylus? Does Mr. SIEGRIED SASSOON beat his breast with one hand +while he plays the loud bassoon with the other? Does Mr. ALEC WAUGH +use sermon-paper or foolscap? Does Mr. ALDOUS HUXLEY keep a tame +gorilla? These are the really illuminating details that we hunger for. +Without them it is impossible to appreciate the artistry of our young +Masters. Mr. W.L. GEORGE has given us a glimpse of the working of +their brains; let him now reveal to us the secrets of their workshops. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: "THERE'S THAT DASHED BULL OF YOURS IN MY FIELD AGAIN! +ONE OF THSES DAYS I'LL--I'LL--WRING ITS CONFOUNDED NECK!" + + * * * * * + +OUR BOOKING-OFFICE. + +(_By Mr. Punch's Staff of Learned Clerks._) + +_After the Day: Germany Unconquered and Unrepentant_ (JENKINS) is +the kind of thesis-book which it is wise to read in a deliberately +incredulous mood. Mr. HAYDEN TALBOT is an American newspaper man of +immense resourcefulness but, I should judge, of a not conspicuously +judicial habit of mind. That, perhaps, is hardly a newspaper man's +business. He is after copy, and certainly there's good enough copy in +his interviews with Count BERNSTORFF and Dr. RATHENAU, and one +must admire his feat of getting out of these and seven other German +publicists, including MAXIMILIAN HARDEN, the draft of a manifesto to +the people of America, composed in the hope, vain as it happened, +that the KAISER would break his long silence and sign it. It is the +author's theory that it is the inner camarilla, working for a speedy +restoration of the monarchy, that is responsible for the certainly +uncharacteristic reticence of Amerongen. Mr. TALBOT also interviewed +HINDENBERG, whom he found a "broken-down, inconsequential, garrulous +example of senility" LUDENDORFF, who was very stiff and proud and +rude; and the _fiancee_ of the man who sank the _Lusitania_. His +general idea of Germany is summed up in the remark of Mr. MANDELBAUM, +of New York: "All this talk about Fritz being down and out is all +bunk!" Germany is full of energy and hate; she will soon be a monarchy +again; will undersell the world; is assiduously preparing for air +supremacy as the way to _revanche_. I take it that this is not so +much a book as a _rechauffe_ of newspaper articles, which alone +will account for its formlessness and frequent changes of plane. Mr. +TALBOT, confessing to a total ignorance of the German tongue, seems +quite unconscious that this imposes certain limitations on his +capacity to make an adequate survey of a difficult problem. + + * * * * * + +I may confess at once that I finished the first chapter of _The Woman +of the Picture_ (HODDER AND STOUGHTON) in a mood of slight derision, +induced by Mr. G.F. TURNER'S allowing one hero to say of the other +that he had "the interminable limbs" of an aristocrat. To the end of +the book indeed I was uncertain whether such occasional lapses were +meant to illumine the character of the supposed speaker or were +unintentional. But again to quote, this time a phrase in which Mr. +TURNER clearly shares my own delight, "before we were through with +the affair" such details had ceased to be of moment. The plain fact is +that _The Woman of the Picture_ is the most breathless, irresistible +piece of convincing impossibility you have read for ages. I decline to +struggle with any transcription of the plot. On the wrapper you +will observe the woman stepping bodily out of the picture, like the +ancestors in the whisky advertisement; this, however, is a symbolic +rather than an actual presentment. But there is plenty without it: +a rightful heir, mountain castles amid the eternal snows, a villain +(with sorceries), half-a-dozen attempted murders and the most +hair-lifting duel imaginable. Soberly considered the whole business is +a riot of delirium, belonging flagrantly to that realm where all the +world's a screen, and all the men and women merely movies. But the +unexpected charm of the book is that with the possible exceptions +noticed above) it is told with a touch of distinction, even of +subtlety, that invests its wildest audacities with an atmosphere of +fantastic truth. In short, if Mr. G.F. TURNER has done nothing else he +has at least enabled the fastidious to enjoy the thrills of a shocker +while retaining their self-respect. + + * * * * * + +In the first of the three stories, each about a hundred pages in +length, which make up _Gold and Iron_ (HEINEMANN), it is hard to +escape the conviction that Mr. JOSEPH HERGESHEIMER between the lines, +"So you thought that CONRAD was the only JOSEPH who could throw a +man and woman together on a mysterious coast in the most strangely +romantic circumstances, and provide a thoroughly groolly scrap into +the bargain. Well, here's another little _Victory_ for you." He +seems definitely to challenge that air of the extraordinary and the +inevitable combined which Mr. CONRAD so subtly conveys. It is a big +effort, and I don't feel that the author quite brings it off, yet I +cannot think of anyone but Mr. CONRAD who would have come nearer to +doing so, and the fight in the dark in this story is one that even +after the War will make a reader catch his breath for half-a-dozen +pages at least. In the second and third stories, which actually deal +with gold and iron (the first of the three is called "Wild Oranges," +though perhaps "Blood Oranges" would have been a better title), +the writer returns to a happier _metier_, and deals with an America +remarkably interesting and wholly novel to me, an America where +foundries and railways are in their infancy and crinolines are worn. +Saloons, bowie knives and bags of gold-dust are all too familiar to +us, but who, on this side of the Atlantic at any rate, ever remembers +the quiet towns with Victorian manners to which the diggers belonged +and returned? Both "Tubal Cain" and "The Dark Fleece" are excellent +yarns and wonderful pieces of pictorial reconstruction as well. + + * * * * * + +After reading _The Searchers_ (HODDER AND STOUGHTON), I seriously +think of myself joining His Britannic Majesty's Secret Service. +All the fun and firearms, and ever, at the conclusion, a startling +surprise for your friends and admirers, among whom you stand cool, +calm and collected. _Anthony Keene-Leslie_ did not deceive me +when, upon his first introduction as a secret servant, he modestly +disclaimed the thrills and excitements commonly attributed to his +trade. I knew that many pages would not be turned before he would +land us in the middle of some crimson intrigue; mysterious strangers, +disguises, cryptic and invaluable manuscripts, urgent telegrams, +codes, Italian hidden hands, Scotland Yard, pseudo-taxicabs, clues +and things. But let others beware of Mr. JOHN FOSTER, a most ingenious +manipulator of the old stock-in-trade and possessing a rare sense of +humour. For the reader to pit his wits against the author's is, +in this instance, to be completely "had" and to become under the +necessity (about page 265) of taking off his hat, not only to the +secret servant but to a mere minion of the "Yard" also. Two minor +points emerge from a close study of the book. The first is that the +author is undoubtedly a barrister himself; if I am wrong on this point +I finally withdraw my threat to join the Service. The second point is +that he knows his Scotland even as well as he loves it. In the result +you have two merits, which together amply discount the element of +cheap sensationalism: one merit is the logical development of the +story, and the other is its beautiful setting. I don't know whether +it is due to the Scottish climate or to the legal atmosphere that +the author omits all reference to the feminine sex or affairs of the +heart; but anyhow it seemed right and meet that women should be +left at home when men were engaged upon such violent and dastardly +business. + + * * * * * + +From certain internal evidences, mainly orthographical, I am led to +suppose _The Branding Iron_ (CONSTABLE) to be of Transatlantic origin. +This, no doubt, explains my unfamiliarity with the name of Miss +KATHARINE NEWLIN BURT, also certain minor points, notably the fact +that the story, though by no means badly told, suffers from what I can +only call a plethora of plot. As I followed the developments of its +intrigue and tracked the heroine from untutored savage, wife of the +wild Westerner whose excusable suspicions caused him to brand her as +private property, to the moment of her triumph as the bejewelled idol +of theatrical New York, the conviction grew upon me that here was a +tale surely predestined to be the screen that covers a multitude of +melodramatics. Presently indeed the suggestion became so insistent +that I went further and began to wonder whether I was not in fact +reading a "story-form" of some already triumphant film. Certainly +the resemblance is almost too pronounced to be fortuitous; from the +sensational branding scene, through cowboy stunts, to the up-town +playhouse, where a repentant and wife-seeking hero recognises his mark +upon the shoulder of the leading lady--and so to reconciliation, slow +fade-out, and the announcement of Next Week's Pictures. But though it +is impossible not to suspect Miss BURT of having an eye to what poetic +journalism calls the Shadow Stage, this is by no means to belittle +her mastery of the colder medium of print; and I hasten to acknowledge +that, upon me at least, _The Branding Iron_ has left a distinct though +possibly fleeting impression of good entertainment. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: THE RELUCTANT PEGASUS. + +A YOUNG SPRING POET HAS TROUBLE WITH HIS MOUNT.] + + * * * * * + + CANE OR BIRCH? + + "House Porter wanted, to live in or out, able to manage + beating apparatus.--Apply, Stating wages required, to + Headmaster, ----- school."--_Local Paper_. + + * * * * * + + "The total cost of the British delegation to the Peace + Conference at Paris from December, 1918, to 31st September was + L503,368."--_Liverpool Paper_. + +But it is only fair to say that in the last month they seem to have +put in a bit of overtime. + + + + + +End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch or the London Charivari, Vol. +158, March 24, 1920., by Various + +*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH *** + +***** This file should be named 15912.txt or 15912.zip ***** +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: + https://www.gutenberg.org/1/5/9/1/15912/ + +Produced by Jonathan Ingram, Sandra Brown and the Online +Distributed Proofreading Team. + + +Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions +will be renamed. + +Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no +one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation +(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without +permission and without paying copyright royalties. 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