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Benchley</title> +</head> +<body> + + +<pre> + +The Project Gutenberg EBook of Love Conquers All, by Robert C. Benchley + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: Love Conquers All + +Author: Robert C. Benchley + +Release Date: May 29, 2005 [EBook #15851] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: Unicode UTF-8 + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK LOVE CONQUERS ALL *** + + + + +Produced by Afra Ullah, Josephine Paolucci, Joshua +Hutchinson and the Online Distributed Proofreading Team. + + + + + + +</pre> + + +<div class="tei tei-text"> +<div class="tei tei-front"> +<div class="tei tei-div"> +<h1 class="tei tei-head">Love Conquers All</h1> + +<p class="tei tei-p"><span style="font-variant: small-caps" class="tei tei-hi">By</span></p> + +<p class="tei tei-p">Robert C. Benchley</p> + +<p class="tei tei-p"><span style="font-variant: small-caps" class="tei tei-hi">Illustrated By</span></p> + +<p class="tei tei-p">Gluyas Williams</p> + +<p class="tei tei-p"><span style="font-style: italic" class="tei tei-hi">Printed October, 1922</span></p> +</div> + +<hr class="page" /> + +<div class="tei tei-div"> +<p style="text-align: center" class="tei tei-p"><a name="image01" id="image01" class="tei tei-anchor"></a> +<img src="images/image01.png" alt="They look him over as if he were a fresh air child being given a day's outing." class="tei tei-figure" /></p> +<p style="text-align: center" class="tei tei-p">They look him over as if he were a fresh air child being +given a day's outing.</p> +</div> + +<hr class="page" /> + +<div class="tei tei-div"> +<a name="toc_1" id="toc_1"></a> +<h1 class="tei tei-head">Acknowledgment</h1> + +<p class="tei tei-p">The author thanks the editors of the following +publications for their permission to print the articles +in this book: <span style="font-style: italic" class="tei tei-hi">Life, The New York World, The New +York Tribune, The Detroit Athletic Club News, and +The Consolidated Press Association</span>.</p> +</div> + +<hr class="page" /> + +<div id="toc" class="tei tei-div"><a name="toc_2" id="toc_2"></a><h1 class="tei tei-head">Contents</h1><ul class="toc"> +<li style="margin: 0em 0em;"><a href="#toc_1">Acknowledgment</a></li> +<li style="margin: 0em 0em;"><a href="#toc_2">Contents</a></li> +<li style="margin: 0em 0em;"><a href="#toc_3">Illustrations</a></li> +<li style="margin: 0em 0em;"><a href="#toc_4">The Benchley-Whittier Correspondence</a></li> +<li style="margin: 0em 0em;"><a href="#toc_5">Family Life in America</a></li> +<li style="margin: 0em 2em;"><a href="#toc_6">Part 1</a></li> +<li style="margin: 0em 2em;"><a href="#toc_7">Part 2</a></li> +<li style="margin: 0em 2em;"><a href="#toc_8">Part 3</a></li> +<li style="margin: 0em 0em;"><a href="#toc_9">This Child Knows the Answer - Do You?</a></li> +<li style="margin: 0em 0em;"><a href="#toc_10">Rules and Suggestions for Watching Auction Bridge</a></li> +<li style="margin: 0em 2em;"><a href="#toc_11">Number Who May Watch</a></li> +<li style="margin: 0em 2em;"><a href="#toc_12">Preliminaries</a></li> +<li style="margin: 0em 2em;"><a href="#toc_13">Procedure</a></li> +<li style="margin: 0em 0em;"><a href="#toc_14">A Christmas Spectacle</a></li> +<li style="margin: 0em 0em;"><a href="#toc_15">How to Watch a Chess-match</a></li> +<li style="margin: 0em 2em;"><a href="#toc_16">How to Find a Game to Watch</a></li> +<li style="margin: 0em 2em;"><a href="#toc_17">The Details of the Game</a></li> +<li style="margin: 0em 0em;"><a href="#toc_18">Watching Baseball</a></li> +<li style="margin: 0em 0em;"><a href="#toc_19">How to be a Spectator at Spring Planting</a></li> +<li style="margin: 0em 0em;"><a href="#toc_20">The Manhattador</a></li> +<li style="margin: 0em 0em;"><a href="#toc_21">What to do While the Family is Away</a></li> +<li style="margin: 0em 0em;"><a href="#toc_22">"Roll Your Own"</a></li> +<li style="margin: 0em 0em;"><a href="#toc_23">Do Insects Think?</a></li> +<li style="margin: 0em 0em;"><a href="#toc_24">The Score in the Stands</a></li> +<li style="margin: 0em 0em;"><a href="#toc_25">Mid-winter Sports</a></li> +<li style="margin: 0em 0em;"><a href="#toc_26">Reading the Funnies Aloud</a></li> +<li style="margin: 0em 0em;"><a href="#toc_27">Opera Synopses</a></li> +<li style="margin: 0em 2em;"><a href="#toc_28">Die Meister-Genossenschaft</a></li> +<li style="margin: 0em 2em;"><a href="#toc_29">Il Minnestrone</a></li> +<li style="margin: 0em 2em;"><a href="#toc_30">Lucy de Lima</a></li> +<li style="margin: 0em 0em;"><a href="#toc_31">The Young Idea's Shooting Gallery</a></li> +<li style="margin: 0em 0em;"><a href="#toc_32">Polyp with a Past</a></li> +<li style="margin: 0em 0em;"><a href="#toc_33">Holt! Who Goes There?</a></li> +<li style="margin: 0em 2em;"><a href="#toc_34">Bathing</a></li> +<li style="margin: 0em 2em;"><a href="#toc_35">Clothing</a></li> +<li style="margin: 0em 2em;"><a href="#toc_36">Weight</a></li> +<li style="margin: 0em 2em;"><a href="#toc_37">Fresh Air</a></li> +<li style="margin: 0em 2em;"><a href="#toc_38">Development</a></li> +<li style="margin: 0em 2em;"><a href="#toc_39">Feeding</a></li> +<li style="margin: 0em 0em;"><a href="#toc_40">The Committee on the Whole</a></li> +<li style="margin: 0em 0em;"><a href="#toc_41">Noting an Increase in Bigamy</a></li> +<li style="margin: 0em 0em;"><a href="#toc_42">The Real Wiglaf - Man and Monarch</a></li> +<li style="margin: 0em 0em;"><a href="#toc_43">Facing the Boys' Camp Problem</a></li> +<li style="margin: 0em 0em;"><a href="#toc_44">All About the Silesian Problem</a></li> +<li style="margin: 0em 0em;"><a href="#toc_45">"Happy the Home Where Books Are Found"</a></li> +<li style="margin: 0em 0em;"><a href="#toc_46">When Not in Rome, Why Do as the Romans Did?</a></li> +<li style="margin: 0em 0em;"><a href="#toc_47">The Tooth, The Whole Tooth, and Nothing But the Tooth</a></li> +<li style="margin: 0em 0em;"><a href="#toc_48">Malignant Mirrors</a></li> +<li style="margin: 0em 0em;"><a href="#toc_49">The Power of the Press</a></li> +<li style="margin: 0em 0em;"><a href="#toc_50">Home for the Holidays</a></li> +<li style="margin: 0em 0em;"><a href="#toc_51">How to Understand International Finance</a></li> +<li style="margin: 0em 0em;"><a href="#toc_52">Twas the Night Before Summer</a></li> +<li style="margin: 0em 0em;"><a href="#toc_53">Welcome Home - and Shut Up!</a></li> +<li style="margin: 0em 0em;"><a href="#toc_54">Animal Stories - I</a></li> +<li style="margin: 0em 0em;"><a href="#toc_55">Animal Storeis - II</a></li> +<li style="margin: 0em 0em;"><a href="#toc_56">The Tariff Unmasked</a></li> +<li style="margin: 0em 0em;"><a href="#toc_57">Literary Department</a></li> +<li style="margin: 0em 0em;"><a href="#toc_58">"Take Along a Book"</a></li> +<li style="margin: 0em 0em;"><a href="#toc_59">Confessions of a Chess Champion</a></li> +<li style="margin: 0em 0em;"><a href="#toc_60">"Rip Van Winkle"</a></li> +<li style="margin: 0em 0em;"><a href="#toc_61">Literary Lost and Found Department</a></li> +<li style="margin: 0em 2em;"><a href="#toc_62">"Old Black Tillie"</a></li> +<li style="margin: 0em 2em;"><a href="#toc_63">"Victor Hugo's Death"</a></li> +<li style="margin: 0em 2em;"><a href="#toc_64">"I'm Sorry That I Spelt the Word"</a></li> +<li style="margin: 0em 2em;"><a href="#toc_65">"God's in His Heaven"</a></li> +<li style="margin: 0em 2em;"><a href="#toc_66">"She Dwelt Beside"</a></li> +<li style="margin: 0em 2em;"><a href="#toc_67">"The Golden Wedding"</a></li> +<li style="margin: 0em 2em;"><a href="#toc_68">Answers</a></li> +<li style="margin: 0em 0em;"><a href="#toc_69">"Dark Water"</a></li> +<li style="margin: 0em 0em;"><a href="#toc_70">The New Time-Table</a></li> +<li style="margin: 0em 0em;"><a href="#toc_71">Mr. Bok's Americanization</a></li> +<li style="margin: 0em 0em;"><a href="#toc_72">Zane Grey's Movie</a></li> +<li style="margin: 0em 0em;"><a href="#toc_73">Suppressing "Jurgen"</a></li> +<li style="margin: 0em 0em;"><a href="#toc_74">Anti-Ibáñez</a></li> +<li style="margin: 0em 0em;"><a href="#toc_75">On Bricklaying</a></li> +<li style="margin: 0em 0em;"><a href="#toc_76">"American Anniversaries"</a></li> +<li style="margin: 0em 0em;"><a href="#toc_77">A Week-end with Wells</a></li> +<li style="margin: 0em 0em;"><a href="#toc_78">About Portland Cement</a></li> +<li style="margin: 0em 0em;"><a href="#toc_79">Open Bookcases</a></li> +<li style="margin: 0em 0em;"><a href="#toc_80">Trout-fishing</a></li> +<li style="margin: 0em 0em;"><a href="#toc_81">"Scouting for Girls"</a></li> +<li style="margin: 0em 0em;"><a href="#toc_82">How to Sell Goods</a></li> +<li style="margin: 0em 0em;"><a href="#toc_83">"You!"</a></li> +<li style="margin: 0em 0em;"><a href="#toc_84">The Catalogue School</a></li> +<li style="margin: 0em 0em;"><a href="#toc_85">Effective House Organs</a></li> +<li style="margin: 0em 0em;"><a href="#toc_86">Advice to Writers</a></li> +<li style="margin: 0em 0em;"><a href="#toc_87">"The Effective Speaking Voice"</a></li> +<li style="margin: 0em 0em;"><a href="#toc_88">Those Dangerously Dynamic British Girls</a></li> +<li style="margin: 0em 0em;"><a href="#toc_89">Books and Other Things</a></li> +<li style="margin: 0em 0em;"><a href="#toc_90">"Measure Your Mind"</a></li> +<li style="margin: 0em 0em;"><a href="#toc_91">The Brow-Elevation in Humor</a></li> +<li style="margin: 0em 0em;"><a href="#toc_92">Business Letters</a></li> +<li style="margin: 0em 0em;"><a href="#toc_93">Notes</a></li> +</ul></div> + +<hr class="page" /> + +<div class="tei tei-div"> +<a name="toc_3" id="toc_3"></a> +<h1 class="tei tei-head">Illustrations</h1> + +<p class="tei tei-p"><a href="#image01" class="tei tei-ref">They look him over as if he were a fresh air child being given a +day's outing.</a></p> + +<p class="tei tei-p"><a href="#image02" class="tei tei-ref">The watcher walks around the table, giving each +hand a careful scrutiny.</a></p> + +<p class="tei tei-p"><a href="#image03" class="tei tei-ref">"'Round and 'round the tree I go"</a></p> + +<p class="tei tei-p"><a href="#image04" class="tei tei-ref">"Atta boy, forty-nine: Only one more to go!"</a></p> + +<p class="tei tei-p"><a href="#image05" class="tei tei-ref">For three hours there is a great deal of screaming.</a></p> + +<p class="tei tei-p"><a href="#image06" class="tei tei-ref">He was further aided by the breaks of the game.</a></p> + +<p class="tei tei-p"><a href="#image07" class="tei tei-ref">Mrs. Deemster didn't enter into the spirit of the +thing at all.</a></p> + +<p class="tei tei-p"><a href="#image08" class="tei tei-ref">"That's right," says the chairman.</a></p> + +<p class="tei tei-p"><a href="#image09" class="tei tei-ref">"If you weren't asleep what were you doing with +your eyes closed?"</a></p> + +<p class="tei tei-p"><a href="#image10" class="tei tei-ref">You would gladly change places with the most lawless +of God's creatures.</a></p> + +<p class="tei tei-p"><a href="#image11" class="tei tei-ref">I am mortified to discover that the unpleasant +looking man is none other than myself.</a></p> + +<p class="tei tei-p"><a href="#image12" class="tei tei-ref">"I can remember you when you were that high"</a></p> + +<p class="tei tei-p"><a href="#image13" class="tei tei-ref">She would turn away and bite her lip.</a></p> + +<p class="tei tei-p"><a href="#image14" class="tei tei-ref">"Listen Ed! This is how it goes!"</a></p> + +<p class="tei tei-p"><a href="#image15" class="tei tei-ref">They intimate that I had better take my few +pennies and run 'round the corner to some little +haberdashery.</a></p> + +<p class="tei tei-p"><a href="#image16" class="tei tei-ref">I thank them and walk in to the nearest dining-room +table.</a></p> + +<p class="tei tei-p"><a href="#image17" class="tei tei-ref">"Why didn't you tell us that you were reading a +paper on birth control?"</a></p> +</div> +</div> + +<div class="tei tei-body"> +<hr class="page" /> + +<div class="tei tei-div"><span class="tei-pb" id="page003">[pg 003]</span><a name="Pg003" id="Pg003" class="tei tei-anchor"></a> +<a name="toc_4" id="toc_4"></a> + +<h1 class="tei tei-head">I.—THE BENCHLEY-WHITTIER CORRESPONDENCE</h1> + +<p class="tei tei-p">Old scandals concerning the private life of Lord +Byron have been revived with the recent +publication of a collection of his letters. One of +the big questions seems to be: <span style="font-style: italic" class="tei tei-hi">Did Byron send Mary +Shelley's letter to Mrs. R.B. Hoppner</span>? Everyone +seems greatly excited about it.</p> + +<p class="tei tei-p">Lest future generations be thrown into turmoil +over my correspondence after I am gone, I want right +now to clear up the mystery which has puzzled +literary circles for over thirty years. I need +hardly add that I refer to what is known as the +"Benchley-Whittier Correspondence."</p> + +<p class="tei tei-p">The big question over which both my biographers +and Whittier's might possibly come to blows is this, +as I understand it: <span style="font-style: italic" class="tei tei-hi">Did John Greenleaf Whittier ever +receive the letters I wrote to him in the late Fall +of</span> 1890? <span style="font-style: italic" class="tei tei-hi">If he did not, who did? And under +what circumstances were they written</span>?</p> + +<p class="tei tei-p">I was a very young man at the time, and Mr. +Whittier was, naturally, very old. There had been +<span class="tei-pb" id="page004">[pg 004]</span><a name="Pg004" id="Pg004" class="tei tei-anchor"></a>a meeting of the Save-Our-Song-Birds Club in old +Dane Hall (now demolished) in Cambridge, Massachusetts. +Members had left their coats and hats +in the check-room at the foot of the stairs (now +demolished).</p> + +<p class="tei tei-p">In passing out after a rather spirited meeting, +during the course of which Mr. Whittier and Dr. +Van Blarcom had opposed each other rather violently +over the question of Baltimore orioles, the aged poet +naturally was the first to be helped into his coat. +In the general mix-up (there was considerable good-natured +fooling among the members as they left, +relieved as they were from the strain of the +meeting) Whittier was given my hat by mistake. +When I came to go, there was nothing left for me +but a rather seedy gray derby with a black band, +containing the initials "J.G.W." As the poet was +visiting in Cambridge at the time I took opportunity +next day to write the following letter to him:</p> + +<blockquote style="margin: 2em 4em" class="tei tei-quote"> +<p style="text-align: right" class="tei tei-p">Cambridge, Mass.<br /> +November 7, 1890.</p> + +<p class="tei tei-p">Dear Mr. Whittier:</p> + +<p class="tei tei-p">I am afraid that in the confusion following the +Save-Our-Song-Birds meeting last night, you were +given my hat by mistake. I have yours and will +<span class="tei-pb" id="page005">[pg 005]</span><a name="Pg005" id="Pg005" class="tei tei-anchor"></a>gladly exchange it if you will let me know when I +may call on you.</p> + +<p class="tei tei-p">May I not add that I am a great admirer of your +verse? Have you ever tried any musical comedy +lyrics? I think that I could get you in on the +ground floor in the show game, as I know a young +man who has written several songs which E.E. +Rice has said he would like to use in his next +comic opera—provided he can get words to go +with them.</p> + +<p class="tei tei-p">But we can discuss all this at our meeting, +which I hope will be soon, as your hat looks like +hell on me.</p> + +<p style="text-align: right" class="tei tei-p">Yours respectfully,</p> + +<p style="text-align: right" class="tei tei-p">ROBERT C. BENCHLEY.</p> +</blockquote> + +<p class="tei tei-p">I am quite sure that this letter was mailed, as +I find an entry in my diary of that date which +reads:</p> + +<p class="tei tei-p">"Mailed a letter to J.G. Whittier. Cloudy +and cooler."</p> + +<p class="tei tei-p">Furthermore, in a death-bed confession, some +ten years later, one Mary F. Rourke, a servant +employed in the house of Dr. Agassiz, with whom +Whittier was bunking at the time, admitted that +she herself had taken a letter, bearing my name in +<span class="tei-pb" id="page006">[pg 006]</span><a name="Pg006" id="Pg006" class="tei tei-anchor"></a>the corner of the envelope, to the poet at his breakfast +on the following morning.</p> + +<p class="tei tei-p">But whatever became of it after it fell into his +hands, I received no reply. I waited five days, during +which time I stayed in the house rather than go +out wearing the Whittier gray derby. On the sixth +day I wrote him again, as follows:</p> + +<blockquote style="margin: 2em 4em" class="tei tei-quote"> +<p style="text-align: right" class="tei tei-p">Cambridge, Mass.<br /> +Nov. 14, 1890.</p> + +<p class="tei tei-p">Dear Mr. Whittier:</p> + +<p class="tei tei-p">How about that hat of mine?</p> + +<p style="text-align: right" class="tei tei-p">Yours respectfully,</p> + +<p style="text-align: right" class="tei tei-p">ROBERT C. BENCHLEY.</p> +</blockquote> + +<p class="tei tei-p">I received no answer to this letter either. Concluding +that the good gray poet was either too busy +or too gosh-darned mean to bother with the thing, +I myself adopted an attitude of supercilious unconcern +and closed the correspondence with the following +terse message:</p> + +<blockquote style="margin: 2em 4em" class="tei tei-quote"> +<p style="text-align: right" class="tei tei-p">Cambridge, Mass.<br /> +December 4, 1890.</p> + +<p class="tei tei-p">Dear Mr. Whittier:</p> + +<p class="tei tei-p">It is my earnest wish that the hat of mine which +you are keeping will slip down over your eyes some +day, interfering with your vision to such an +<span class="tei-pb" id="page007">[pg 007]</span><a name="Pg007" id="Pg007" class="tei tei-anchor"></a>extent that you will walk off the sidewalk into the +gutter and receive painful, albeit superficial, injuries.</p> + +<p style="text-align: right" class="tei tei-p">Your young friend,</p> + +<p style="text-align: right" class="tei tei-p">ROBERT C. BENCHLEY.</p> +</blockquote> + +<p class="tei tei-p">Here the matter ended so far as I was concerned, +and I trust that biographers in the future will not +let any confusion of motives or misunderstanding +of dates enter into a clear and unbiased statement +of the whole affair. We must not have another +Shelley-Byron scandal.<span class="tei-pb" id="page008">[pg 008]</span><a name="Pg008" id="Pg008" class="tei tei-anchor"></a></p> +</div> + +<hr class="page" /> + +<div class="tei tei-div"> +<a name="toc_5" id="toc_5"></a> +<h1 class="tei tei-head">II—FAMILY LIFE IN AMERICA</h1> + +<div class="tei tei-div"> +<a name="toc_6" id="toc_6"></a> +<h2 class="tei tei-head">PART 1</h2> + +<p class="tei tei-p">The naturalistic literature of this country has reached +such a state that no family of characters is considered +true to life which does not include at least two hypochondriacs, +one sadist, and one old man who spills +food down the front of his vest. If this school progresses, +the following is what we may expect in our +national literature in a year or so.</p> + +<p class="tei tei-p">The living-room in the Twillys' house was so +damp that thick, soppy moss grew all over +the walls. It dripped on the picture of Grandfather +Twilly that hung over the melodeon, making +streaks down the dirty glass like sweat on the old +man's face. It was a mean face. Grandfather +Twilly had been a mean man and had little spots +of soup on the lapel of his coat. All his children +were mean and had soup spots on their clothes.</p> + +<p class="tei tei-p">Grandma Twilly sat in the rocker over by the +window, and as she rocked the chair snapped. It +sounded like Grandma Twilly's knees snapping as +they did whenever she stooped over to pull the +wings off a fly. She was a mean old thing. Her +knuckles were grimy and she chewed crumbs that +<span class="tei-pb" id="page009">[pg 009]</span><a name="Pg009" id="Pg009" class="tei tei-anchor"></a>she found in the bottom of her reticule. You would +have hated her. She hated herself. But most of +all she hated Grandfather Twilly.</p> + +<p class="tei tei-p">"I certainly hope you're frying good," she muttered +as she looked up at his picture.</p> + +<p class="tei tei-p"></p> + +<p class="tei tei-p">"Hasn't the undertaker come yet, Ma?" asked +young Mrs. Wilbur Twilly petulantly. She was +boiling water on the oil-heater and every now and +again would spill a little of the steaming liquid on +the baby who was playing on the floor. She hated +the baby because it looked like her father. The +hot water raised little white blisters on the baby's +red neck and Mabel Twilly felt short, sharp twinges +of pleasure at the sight. It was the only pleasure +she had had for four months.</p> + +<p class="tei tei-p">"Why don't you kill yourself, Ma?" she continued. +"You're only in the way here and you +know it. It's just because you're a mean old woman +and want to make trouble for us that you hang on."</p> + +<p class="tei tei-p">Grandma Twilly shot a dirty look at her daughter-in-law. +She had always hated her. Stringy +hair, Mabel had. Dank, stringy hair. Grandma +Twilly thought how it would look hanging at an +Indian's belt. But all that she did was to place her +tongue against her two front teeth and make a noise +like the bath-room faucet.<span class="tei-pb" id="page010">[pg 010]</span><a name="Pg010" id="Pg010" class="tei tei-anchor"></a></p> + +<p class="tei tei-p">Wilbur Twilly was reading the paper by the oil +lamp. Wilbur had watery blue eyes and cigar ashes +all over his knees. The third and fourth buttons of +his vest were undone. It was too hideous.</p> + +<p class="tei tei-p">He was conscious of his family seated in chairs +about him. His mother, chewing crumbs. His +wife Mabel, with her stringy hair, reading. His +sister Bernice, with projecting front teeth, who sat +thinking of the man who came every day to take +away the waste paper. Bernice was wondering +how long it would be before her family would discover +that she had been married to this man for +three years.</p> + +<p class="tei tei-p">How Wilbur hated them all. It didn't seem as +if he could stand it any longer. He wanted to +scream and stick pins into every one of them and +then rush out and see the girl who worked in his +office snapping rubber-bands all day. He hated her +too, but she wore side-combs.</p> +</div> + +<div class="tei tei-div"> +<a name="toc_7" id="toc_7"></a> +<h2 class="tei tei-head">PART 2</h2> + +<p class="tei tei-p">The street was covered with slimy mud. It oozed +out from under Bernice's rubbers in unpleasant +bubbles until it seemed to her as if she must kill +herself. Hot air coming out from a steam laundry. +Hot, stifling air. Bernice didn't work in the laundry +<span class="tei-pb" id="page011">[pg 011]</span><a name="Pg011" id="Pg011" class="tei tei-anchor"></a>but she wished that she did so that the hot air +would kill her. She wanted to be stifled. She +needed torture to be happy. She also needed a good +swift clout on the side of the face.</p> + +<p class="tei tei-p">A drunken man lurched out from a door-way and +flung his arms about her. It was only her husband. +She loved her husband. She loved him so much +that, as she pushed him away and into the gutter, +she stuck her little finger into his eye. She also +untied his neck-tie. It was a bow neck-tie, with +white, dirty spots on it and it was wet with gin. It +didn't seem as if Bernice could stand it any longer. +All the repressions of nineteen sordid years behind +protruding teeth surged through her untidy soul. +She wanted love. But it was not her husband that +she loved so fiercely. It was old Grandfather Twilly. +And he was too dead.</p> +</div> + +<div class="tei tei-div"> +<a name="toc_8" id="toc_8"></a> +<h2 class="tei tei-head">PART 3</h2> + +<p class="tei tei-p">In the dining-room of the Twillys' house everything +was very quiet. Even the vinegar-cruet which +was covered with fly-specks. Grandma Twilly lay +with her head in the baked potatoes, poisoned by +Mabel, who, in her turn had been poisoned by her +husband and sprawled in an odd posture over the +china-closet. Wilbur and his sister Bernice had +<span class="tei-pb" id="page012">[pg 012]</span><a name="Pg012" id="Pg012" class="tei tei-anchor"></a>just finished choking each other to death and between +them completely covered the carpet in that +corner of the room where the worn spot showed the +bare boards beneath, like ribs on a chicken carcass. +Only the baby survived. She had a mean face +and had great spillings of Imperial Granum down +her bib. As she looked about her at her family, a +great hate surged through her tiny body and her +eyes snapped viciously. She wanted to get down +from her high-chair and show them all how much +she hated them.</p> + +<p class="tei tei-p">Bernice's husband, the man who came after the +waste paper, staggered into the room. The tips +were off both his shoe-lacings. The baby experienced +a voluptuous sense of futility at the sight of +the tipless-lacings and leered suggestively at her +uncle-in-law.</p> + +<p class="tei tei-p">"We must get the roof fixed," said the man, very +quietly. "It lets the sun in."<span class="tei-pb" id="page013">[pg 013]</span><a name="Pg013" id="Pg013" class="tei tei-anchor"></a></p> +</div> +</div> + +<hr class="page" /> + +<div class="tei tei-div"> +<a name="toc_9" id="toc_9"></a> +<h1 class="tei tei-head">III—THIS CHILD KNOWS THE ANSWER—DO YOU?</h1> + +<p class="tei tei-p">We are occasionally confronted in the advertisements +by the picture of an offensively +bright-looking little boy, fairly popping with information, +who, it is claimed in the text, knows all +the inside dope on why fog forms in beads on a +woolen coat, how long it would take to crawl to the +moon on your hands and knees, and what makes +oysters so quiet.</p> + +<p class="tei tei-p">The taunting catch-line of the advertisement is: +"This Child Knows the Answer—Do You?" and +the idea is to shame you into buying a set of books +containing answers to all the questions in the world +except the question "Where is the money coming +from to buy the books?"</p> + +<p class="tei tei-p">Any little boy knowing all these facts would unquestionably +be an asset in a business which specialized +in fog-beads or lunar transportation novelties, +but he would be awful to have about the house.</p> + +<p class="tei tei-p">"Spencer," you might say to him, "where are +Daddy's slippers?" To which he would undoubtedly +<span class="tei-pb" id="page014">[pg 014]</span><a name="Pg014" id="Pg014" class="tei tei-anchor"></a>answer: "I don't know, Dad," (disagreeable +little boys like that always call their fathers "Dad" +and stand with their feet wide apart and their hands +in their pockets like girls playing boys' rôles on the +stage) "but I <span style="font-style: italic" class="tei tei-hi">do</span> know this, that all the Nordic +peoples are predisposed to astigmatism because of +the glare of the sun on the snow, and that, furthermore, +if you were to place a common ordinary marble +in a glass of luke-warm cider there would be a +precipitation which, on pouring off the cider, would +be found to be what we know as parsley, just plain +parsley which Cook uses every night in preparing +our dinner."</p> + +<p class="tei tei-p">With little ones like this around the house, a +new version of "The Children's Hour" will have +to be arranged, and it might as well be done now +and got over with.</p> + +<div class="tei tei-div"> +<h2 class="tei tei-head">The Well-Informed Children's Hour</h2> + +<div style="text-align: left" class="tei tei-lg"> +<p class="tei tei-l">Between the dark and the day-light,</p> +<p class="tei tei-l">When the night is beginning lo lower,</p> +<p class="tei tei-l">Comes a pause in the day's occupation</p> +<p class="tei tei-l">Which is known as the children's hour.</p> +<p class="tei tei-l">'Tis then appears tiny Irving</p> +<p class="tei tei-l">With the patter of little feet,</p> +<p class="tei tei-l">To tell us that worms become dizzy</p> +<p class="tei tei-l">At a slight application of heat.</p> +<p class="tei tei-l"><span class="tei-pb" id="page015">[pg 015]</span><a name="Pg015" id="Pg015" class="tei tei-anchor"></a>And Norma, the baby savant,</p> +<p class="tei tei-l">Comes toddling up with the news</p> +<p class="tei tei-l">That a valvular catch in the larynx</p> +<p class="tei tei-l">Is the reason why Kitty mews.</p> +<p class="tei tei-l">"Oh Grandpa," cries lovable Lester,</p> +<p class="tei tei-l">"Jack Frost has surprised us again,</p> +<p class="tei tei-l">By condensing in crystal formation</p> +<p class="tei tei-l">The vapor which clings to the pane!"</p> +<p class="tei tei-l">Then Roger and Lispinard Junior</p> +<p class="tei tei-l">Race pantingly down through the hall</p> +<p class="tei tei-l">To be first with the hot information</p> +<p class="tei tei-l">That bees shed their coats in the Fall.</p> +<p class="tei tei-l">No longer they clamor for stories</p> +<p class="tei tei-l">As they cluster in fun 'round my knee</p> +<p class="tei tei-l">But each little darling is bursting</p> +<p class="tei tei-l">With a story that he must tell me,</p> +<p class="tei tei-l">Giving reasons why daisies are sexless</p> +<p class="tei tei-l">And what makes the turtle so dour;</p> +<p class="tei tei-l">So it goes through the horrible gloaming</p> +<p class="tei tei-l">Of the Well-informed Children's Hour.</p> +<span class="tei-pb" id="page016">[pg 016]</span><a name="Pg016" id="Pg016" class="tei tei-anchor"></a></div> +</div> +</div> + +<hr class="page" /> + +<div class="tei tei-div"> +<a name="toc_10" id="toc_10"></a> +<h1 class="tei tei-head">IV—RULES AND SUGGESTIONS FOR WATCHING AUCTION BRIDGE</h1> + +<p class="tei tei-p">With all the expert advice that is being +offered in print these days about how to +play games, it seems odd that no one has formulated +a set of rules for the spectators. The spectators +are much more numerous than the players, +and seem to need more regulation. As a spectator +of twenty years standing, versed in watching all +sports except six-day bicycle races, I offer the fruit +of my experience in the form of suggestions and +reminiscences which may tend to clarify the situation, +or, in case there is no situation which needs +clarifying, to make one.</p> + +<p class="tei tei-p">In the event of a favorable reaction on the part +of the public, I shall form an association, to be +known as the National Amateur Audience Association +(or the N.A.A.A., if you are given to slang) +of which I shall be Treasurer. That's all I ask, the +Treasurership.</p> + +<p class="tei tei-p">This being an off-season of the year for outdoor +sports (except walking, which is getting to have +<span class="tei-pb" id="page017">[pg 017]</span><a name="Pg017" id="Pg017" class="tei tei-anchor"></a>neither participants nor spectators) it seems best +to start with a few remarks on the strenuous occupation +of watching a bridge game. Bridge-watchers +are not so numerous as football watchers, for instance, +but they are much more in need of coordination +and it will be the aim of this article to formulate +a standardized set of rules for watching bridge +which may be taken as a criterion for the whole +country.</p> + +<div class="tei tei-div"> +<a name="toc_11" id="toc_11"></a> +<h2 class="tei tei-head">NUMBER WHO MAY WATCH</h2> + +<p class="tei tei-p">There should not be more than one watcher for +each table. When there are two, or more, confusion +is apt to result and no one of the watchers can devote +his attention to the game as it should be devoted. +Two watchers are also likely to bump into each +other as they make their way around the table +looking over the players' shoulders. If there are +more watchers than there are tables, two can share +one table between them, one being dummy while +the other watches. In this event the first one should +watch until the hand has been dealt and six tricks +taken, being relieved by the second one for the remaining +tricks and the marking down of the score.<span class="tei-pb" id="page018">[pg 018]</span><a name="Pg018" id="Pg018" class="tei tei-anchor"></a></p> +</div> + +<div class="tei tei-div"> +<a name="toc_12" id="toc_12"></a> +<h2 class="tei tei-head">PRELIMINARIES</h2> + +<p class="tei tei-p">In order to avoid any charge of signalling, it will +be well for the following conversational formula to +be used before the game begins:</p> + +<p class="tei tei-p">The ring-leader of the game says to the fifth +person: "Won't you join the game and make a +fourth? I have some work which I really ought +to be doing."</p> + +<p class="tei tei-p">The fifth person replies: "Oh, no, thank you! I +play a wretched game. I'd much rather sit here +and read, if you don't mind."</p> + +<p class="tei tei-p">To which the ring-leader replies: "Pray do."</p> + +<p class="tei tei-p">After the first hand has been dealt, the fifth +person, whom we shall now call the "watcher," puts +down the book and leans forward in his (or her) +chair, craning the neck to see what is in the hand +nearest him. The strain becoming too great, he +arises and approaches the table, saying: "Do you +mind if I watch a bit?"</p> + +<p class="tei tei-p">No answer need be given to this, unless someone +at the table has nerve enough to tell the truth.</p> +</div> + +<div class="tei tei-div"> +<a name="toc_13" id="toc_13"></a> +<h2 class="tei tei-head">PROCEDURE</h2> + +<p class="tei tei-p">The game is now on. The watcher walks around +the table, giving each hand a careful scrutiny, groaning +slightly at the sight of a poor one and making +<span class="tei-pb" id="page019">[pg 019]</span><a name="Pg019" id="Pg019" class="tei tei-anchor"></a>noises of joyful anticipation at the good ones. Stopping +behind an especially unpromising array of cards, +it is well to say: "Well, unlucky at cards, lucky +in love, you know." This gives the partner an +opportunity to judge his chances on the bid he is +about to make, and is perfectly fair to the other +side, too, for they are not left entirely in the dark. +Thus everyone benefits by the remark.</p> + +<p style="text-align: center" class="tei tei-p"><a name="image02" id="image02" class="tei tei-anchor"></a> +<img src="images/image02.png" alt="The watcher walks around the table, giving each hand a careful scrutiny." class="tei tei-figure" /></p> +<p style="text-align: center" class="tei tei-p">The watcher walks around the table, giving each hand a +careful scrutiny.</p> + +<p class="tei tei-p">When the bidding begins, the watcher has considerable +opportunity for effective work. Having +seen how the cards lie, he is able to stand back +and listen with a knowing expression, laughing +at unjustified bids and urging on those who +should, in his estimation, plunge. At the conclusion +of the bidding he should say: "Well, +we're off!"</p> + +<p class="tei tei-p">As the hand progresses and the players become +intent on the game, the watcher may be the cause +of no little innocent diversion. He may ask one of +the players for a match, or, standing behind the one +who is playing the hand, he may say:</p> + +<p class="tei tei-p">"I'll give you three guesses as to whom I ran into +on the street yesterday. Someone you all know. +Used to go to school with you, Harry ... Light +hair and blue eyes ... Medium build ... Well, +sir, it was Lew Milliken. Yessir, Lew Milliken. +Hadn't seen him for fifteen years. Asked after you, +<span class="tei-pb" id="page020">[pg 020]</span><a name="Pg020" id="Pg020" class="tei tei-anchor"></a>Harry ... and George too. And what do you +think he told me about Chick?"</p> + +<p class="tei tei-p">Answers may or may not be returned to these +remarks, according to the good nature of the players, +but in any event, they serve their purpose of distraction.</p> + +<p class="tei tei-p">Particular care should be taken that no one of +the players is allowed to make a mistake. The +watcher, having his mind free, is naturally in a +better position to keep track of matters of sequence +and revoking. Thus, he may say:</p> + +<p class="tei tei-p">"The lead was over here, George," or</p> + +<p class="tei tei-p">"I think that you refused spades a few hands +ago, Lillian."</p> + +<p class="tei tei-p">Of course, there are some watchers who have an +inherited delicacy about offering advice or talking +to the players. Some people are that way. They +are interested in the game, and love to watch but +they feel that they ought not to interfere. I had +a cousin who just wouldn't talk while a hand was +being played, and so, as she had to do something, +she hummed. She didn't hum very well, and her +program was limited to the first two lines of "How +Firm a Foundation," but she carried it off very well +and often got the players to humming it along with +her. She could also drum rather well with her +fingers on the back of the chair of one of the players +<span class="tei-pb" id="page021">[pg 021]</span><a name="Pg021" id="Pg021" class="tei tei-anchor"></a>while looking over his shoulder. "How Firm a +Foundation" didn't lend itself very well to drumming; +so she had a little patrol that she worked up +all by herself, beginning soft, like a drum corps in +the distance, and getting louder and louder, finally +dying away again so that you could barely near it. +It was wonderful how she could do it—and still +go on living.</p> + +<p class="tei tei-p">Those who feel this way about talking while others +are playing bridge have a great advantage over my +cousin and her class if they can play the piano. +They play ever so softly, in order not to disturb, +but somehow or other you just know that they are +there, and that the next to last note in the coda is +going to be very sour.</p> + +<p class="tei tei-p">But, of course, the piano work does not technically +come under the head of watching, although when +there are two watchers to a table, one may go over +to the piano while she is dummy.</p> + +<p class="tei tei-p">But your real watcher will allow nothing to interfere +with his conscientious following of the game, +and it is for real watchers only that these suggestions +have been formulated. The minute you get +out of the class of those who have the best interests +of the game at heart, you become involved in dilettantism +and amateurishness, and the whole sport of +bridge-watching falls into disrepute.<span class="tei-pb" id="page022">[pg 022]</span><a name="Pg022" id="Pg022" class="tei tei-anchor"></a></p> + +<p class="tei tei-p">The only trouble with the game as it now stands +is the risk of personal injury. This can be eliminated +by the watcher insisting on each player being +frisked for weapons before the game begins and +cultivating a good serviceable defense against ordinary +forms of fistic attack.<span class="tei-pb" id="page023">[pg 023]</span><a name="Pg023" id="Pg023" class="tei tei-anchor"></a></p> +</div> +</div> + +<hr class="page" /> + +<div class="tei tei-div"> +<a name="toc_14" id="toc_14"></a> +<h1 class="tei tei-head">V—A CHRISTMAS SPECTACLE</h1> + +<h1 style="font-size: 85%" class="tei tei-head"><span style="font-style: italic" class="tei tei-hi">For Use in Christmas Eve Entertainments in the +Vestry</span></h1> + +<p class="tei tei-p">At the opening of the entertainment the Superintendent +will step into the footlights, recover +his balance apologetically, and say:</p> + +<p class="tei tei-p">"Boys and girls of the Intermediate Department, +parents and friends: I suppose you all know why +we are here tonight. (At this point the audience +will titter apprehensively). Mrs. Drury and her +class of little girls have been working very hard +to make this entertainment a success, and I am sure +that everyone here to-night is going to have what +I overheard one of my boys the other day calling +'some good time.' (Indulgent laughter from the +little boys). And may I add before the curtain goes +up that immediately after the entertainment we +want you all to file out into the Christian Endeavor +room, where there will be a Christmas tree, +'with all the fixin's,' as the boys say." (Shrill +whistling from the little boys and immoderate applause +from everyone).<span class="tei-pb" id="page024">[pg 024]</span><a name="Pg024" id="Pg024" class="tei tei-anchor"></a></p> + +<p class="tei tei-p">There will then be a wait of twenty-five minutes, +while sounds of hammering and dropping may be +heard from behind the curtains. The Boys' Club +orchestra will render the "Poet and Peasant Overture" +four times in succession, each time differently.</p> + +<p class="tei tei-p">At last one side of the curtains will be drawn +back; the other will catch on something and have +to be released by hand; someone will whisper +loudly, "Put out the lights," following which the +entire house will be plunged into darkness. Amid +catcalls from the little boys, the footlights will at +last go on, disclosing:</p> + +<p class="tei tei-p">The windows in the rear of the vestry rather +ineffectively concealed by a group of small fir trees +on standards, one of which has already fallen over, +leaving exposed a corner of the map of Palestine +and the list of gold-star classes for November. In +the center of the stage is a larger tree, undecorated, +while at the extreme left, invisible to everyone in +the audience except those sitting at the extreme +right, is an imitation fireplace, leaning against the +wall.</p> + +<p class="tei tei-p">Twenty-five seconds too early little Flora Rochester +will prance out from the wings, uttering the first +shrill notes of a song, and will have to be grabbed +by eager hands and pulled back. Twenty-four +seconds later the piano will begin "The Return of +<span class="tei-pb" id="page025">[pg 025]</span><a name="Pg025" id="Pg025" class="tei tei-anchor"></a>the Reindeer" with a powerful accent on the first +note of each bar, and Flora Rochester, Lillian McNulty, +Gertrude Hamingham and Martha Wrist will +swirl on, dressed in white, and advance heavily into +the footlights, which will go out.</p> + +<p class="tei tei-p">There will then be an interlude while Mr. Neff, +the sexton, adjusts the connection, during which +the four little girls stand undecided whether to +brave it out or cry. As a compromise they giggle +and are herded back into the wings by Mrs. Drury, +amid applause. When the lights go on again, the +applause becomes deafening, and as Mr. Neff walks +triumphantly away, the little boys in the audience +will whistle: "There she goes, there she goes, all +dressed up in her Sunday clothes!"</p> + +<p class="tei tei-p">"The Return of the Reindeer" will be started +again and the show-girls will reappear, this time +more gingerly and somewhat dispirited. They will, +however, sing the following, to the music of the +"Ballet Pizzicato" from "Sylvia":</p> + +<div style="text-align: left" class="tei tei-lg"> +<p class="tei tei-l">"We greet you, we greet you,</p> +<p class="tei tei-l">On this Christmas Eve so fine.</p> +<p class="tei tei-l">We greet you, we greet you,</p> +<p class="tei tei-l">And wish you a good time."</p> +</div> + +<p class="tei tei-p">They will then turn toward the tree and Flora +Rochester will advance, hanging a silver star on one +<span class="tei-pb" id="page026">[pg 026]</span><a name="Pg026" id="Pg026" class="tei tei-anchor"></a>of the branches, meanwhile reciting a verse, the +only distinguishable words of which are: "<span style="font-style: italic" class="tei tei-hi">I am +Faith so strong and pure</span>—"</p> + +<p class="tei tei-p">At the conclusion of her recitation, the star will +fall off.</p> + +<p class="tei tei-p">Lillian McNulty will then step forward and hang +her star on a branch, reading her lines in clear +tones:</p> + +<div style="text-align: left" class="tei tei-lg"> +<p class="tei tei-l"><span style="font-style: italic" class="tei tei-hi">"And I am Hope, a virtue great,</span></p> +<p class="tei tei-l"><span style="font-style: italic" class="tei tei-hi">My gift to Christmas now I make,</span></p> +<p class="tei tei-l"><span style="font-style: italic" class="tei tei-hi">That children and grown-ups may hope today</span></p> +<p class="tei tei-l"><span style="font-style: italic" class="tei tei-hi">That tomorrow will be a merry Christmas Day."</span></p> +</div> + +<p class="tei tei-p">The hanging of the third star will be consummated +by Gertrude Hamingham, who will get as far +as "<span style="font-style: italic" class="tei tei-hi">Sweet Charity I bring to place upon the +tree</span>—" at which point the strain will become too +great and she will forget the remainder. After +several frantic glances toward the wings, from +which Mrs. Drury is sending out whispered messages +to the effect that the next line begins, "<span style="font-style: italic" class="tei tei-hi">My +message bright</span>—" Gertrude will disappear, crying +softly.</p> + +<p style="text-align: center" class="tei tei-p"><a name="image03" id="image03" class="tei tei-anchor"></a> +<img src="images/image03.png" alt=""'Round and 'round the tree I go."" class="tei tei-figure" /></p> +<p style="text-align: center" class="tei tei-p">"'Round and 'round the tree I go."</p> + +<p class="tei tei-p">After the morale of the cast has been in some +measure restored by the pianist, who, with great +presence of mind, plays a few bars of "Will There +Be Any Stars In My Crown?" to cover up Gertrude's +<span class="tei-pb" id="page027">[pg 027]</span><a name="Pg027" id="Pg027" class="tei tei-anchor"></a>exit, Martha Wrist will unleash a rope of +silver tinsel from the foot of the tree, and, stringing +it over the boughs as she skips around in a circle, +will say, with great assurance:</p> + +<div style="text-align: left" class="tei tei-lg"> +<p class="tei tei-l"><span style="font-style: italic" class="tei tei-hi">"'Round and 'round the tree I go,</span></p> +<p class="tei tei-l"><span style="font-style: italic" class="tei tei-hi">Through the holly and the snow</span></p> +<p class="tei tei-l"><span style="font-style: italic" class="tei tei-hi">Bringing love and Christmas cheer</span></p> +<p class="tei tei-l"><span style="font-style: italic" class="tei tei-hi">Through the happy year to come."</span></p> +</div> + +<p class="tei tei-p">At this point there will be a great commotion +and jangling of sleigh-bells off-stage, and Mr. +Creamer, rather poorly disguised as Santa Claus, +will emerge from the opening in the imitation fire-place. +A great popular demonstration for Mr. +Creamer will follow. He will then advance to the +footlights, and, rubbing his pillow and ducking his +knees to denote joviality, will say thickly through +his false beard:</p> + +<p class="tei tei-p">"Well, well, well, what have we here? A lot +of bad little boys and girls who aren't going to +get any Christmas presents this year? (Nervous +laughter from the little boys and girls). Let me +see, let me see! I have a note here from Dr. Whidden. +Let's see what it says. (Reads from a paper +on which there is obviously nothing written). 'If +you and the young people of the Intermediate Department +will come into the Christian Endeavor +<span class="tei-pb" id="page028">[pg 028]</span><a name="Pg028" id="Pg028" class="tei tei-anchor"></a>room, I think we may have a little surprise for you ...' +Well, well, well! What do you suppose it +can be? (Cries of "I know, I know!" from sophisticated +ones in the audience). Maybe it is a +bottle of castor-oil! (Raucous jeers from the little +boys and elaborately simulated disgust on the part +of the little girls.) Well, anyway, suppose we go +out and see? Now if Miss Liftnagle will oblige us +with a little march on the piano, we will all form +in single file—"</p> + +<p class="tei tei-p">At this point there will ensue a stampede toward +the Christian Endeavor room, in which chairs will +be broken, decorations demolished, and the protesting +Mr. Creamer badly hurt.</p> + +<p class="tei tei-p">This will bring to a close the first part of the +entertainment.<span class="tei-pb" id="page029">[pg 029]</span><a name="Pg029" id="Pg029" class="tei tei-anchor"></a></p> +</div> + +<hr class="page" /> + +<div class="tei tei-div"> +<a name="toc_15" id="toc_15"></a> +<h1 class="tei tei-head">VI—HOW TO WATCH A CHESS-MATCH</h1> + +<p class="tei tei-p">Second in the list of games which it is necessary +for every sportsman to know how to watch +comes chess. If you don't know how to watch +chess, the chances are that you will never have any +connection with the game whatsoever. You would +not, by any chance, be playing it yourself.</p> + +<p class="tei tei-p">I know some very nice people that play chess, +mind you, and I wouldn't have thought that I was +in any way spoofing at the game. I would sooner +spoof at the people who engineered the Panama +Canal or who are drawing up plans for the vehicular +tunnel under the Hudson River. I am no man to +make light of chess and its adherents, although they +might very well make light of me. In fact, they +have.</p> + +<p class="tei tei-p">But what I say is, that taking society by and +large, man and boy, the chances are that chess +would be the Farmer-Labor Party among the contestants +for sporting honors.</p> + +<p class="tei tei-p">Now, since it is settled that you probably will +not want to play chess, unless you should be laid +<span class="tei-pb" id="page030">[pg 030]</span><a name="Pg030" id="Pg030" class="tei tei-anchor"></a>up with a bad knee-pan or something, it follows that, +if you want to know anything about the sport at all, +you will have to watch it from the side-lines. That +is what this series of lessons aims to teach you to +do, (of course, if you are going to be nasty and +say that you don't want even to watch it, why all +this time has been, wasted on my part as well as +on yours).</p> + +<div class="tei tei-div"> +<a name="toc_16" id="toc_16"></a> +<h2 class="tei tei-head">HOW TO FIND A GAME TO WATCH</h2> + +<p class="tei tei-p">The first problem confronting the chess spectator +is to find some people who are playing. The +bigger the city, the harder it is to find anyone +indulging in chess. In a small town you can usually +go straight to Wilbur Tatnuck's General Store, and +be fairly sure of finding a quiet game in progress +over behind the stove and the crate of pilot-biscuit, +but as you draw away from the mitten district you +find the sporting instinct of the population cropping +out in other lines and chess becoming more and more +restricted to the sheltered corners of Y.M.C.A. +club-rooms and exclusive social organizations.</p> + +<p class="tei tei-p">However, we shall have to suppose, in order to +get any article written at all, that you have found +two people playing chess somewhere. They probably +will neither see nor hear you as you come up +<span class="tei-pb" id="page031">[pg 031]</span><a name="Pg031" id="Pg031" class="tei tei-anchor"></a>on them so you can stand directly behind the one +who is defending the south goal without fear of +detection.</p> +</div> + +<div class="tei tei-div"> +<a name="toc_17" id="toc_17"></a> +<h2 class="tei tei-head">THE DETAILS OF THE GAME</h2> + +<p class="tei tei-p">At first you may think that they are both dead, +but a mirror held to the lips of the nearest contestant +will probably show moisture (unless, of course, +they really should be dead, which would be a horrible +ending for a little lark like this. I once +heard of a murderer who propped his two victims +up against a chess board in sporting attitudes and +was able to get as far as Seattle before his crime +was discovered).</p> + +<p class="tei tei-p">Soon you will observe a slight twitching of an +eye-lid or a moistening of the lips and then, like +a greatly retarded moving-picture of a person passing +the salt, one of the players will lift a chess-man +from one spot on the board and place it on another +spot.</p> + +<p class="tei tei-p">It would be best not to stand too close to the +board at this time as you are are likely to be trampled +on in the excitement. For this action that +you have just witnessed corresponds to a run around +right end in a football game or a two-bagger in +baseball, and is likely to cause considerable enthusiasm +<span class="tei-pb" id="page032">[pg 032]</span><a name="Pg032" id="Pg032" class="tei tei-anchor"></a>on the one hand and deep depression on the +other. They may even forget themselves to the +point of shifting their feet or changing the hands +on which they are resting their foreheads. Almost +anything is liable to happen.</p> + +<p class="tei tei-p">When the commotion has died down a little, it +will be safe for you to walk around and stand behind +the other player and wait there for the next +move. While waiting it would be best to stand +with the weight of your body evenly distributed +between your two feet, for you will probably be +standing there a long time and if you bear down +on one foot all of the time, that foot is bound to +get tired. A comfortable stance for watching chess +is with the feet slightly apart (perhaps a foot or a +foot and a half), with a slight bend at the knees +to rest the legs and the weight of the body thrown +forward on the balls of the feet. A rhythmic rising +on the toes, holding the hands behind the back, the +head well up and the chest out, introduces a note +of variety into the position which will be welcome +along about dusk.</p> + +<p class="tei tei-p">Not knowing anything about the game, you will +perhaps find it difficult at first to keep your attention +on the board. This can be accomplished by +means of several little optical tricks. For instance, +if you look at the black and white squares on the +<span class="tei-pb" id="page033">[pg 033]</span><a name="Pg033" id="Pg033" class="tei tei-anchor"></a>board very hard and for a very long time, they will +appear to jump about and change places. The +black squares will rise from the board about a +quarter of an inch and slightly overlap the white +ones. Then, if you change focus suddenly, the +white squares will do the same thing to the black +ones. And finally, after doing this until someone +asks you what you are looking cross-eyed for, if +you will shut your eyes tight you will see an exact +reproduction of the chess-board, done in pink and +green, in your mind's eye. By this time, the players +will be almost ready for another move.</p> + +<p class="tei tei-p">This will make two moves that you have watched. +It is now time to get a little fancy work into your +game. About an hour will have already gone by +and you should be so thoroughly grounded in the +fundamentals of chess watching that you can proceed +to the next step.</p> + +<p class="tei tei-p">Have some one of your friends bring you a chair, +a table and an old pyrography outfit, together with +some book-ends on which to burn a design.</p> + +<p class="tei tei-p">Seat yourself at the table in the chair and (if I +remember the process correctly) squeeze the bulb +attached to the needle until the latter becomes red +hot. Then, grasping the book-ends in the left hand, +carefully trace around the pencilled design with +the point of the needle. It probably will be a picture +<span class="tei-pb" id="page034">[pg 034]</span><a name="Pg034" id="Pg034" class="tei tei-anchor"></a>of the Lion of Lucerne, and you will let the +needle slip on the way round the face, giving it the +appearance of having shaved in a Pullman that +morning. But that really won't make any difference, +for the whole thing is not so much to do a +nice pair of book-ends as to help you along in +watching the chess-match.</p> + +<p class="tei tei-p">If you have any scruples against burning wood, +you may knit something, or paste stamps in an +album.</p> + +<p class="tei tei-p">And before you know it, the game will be over +and you can put on your things and go home.<span class="tei-pb" id="page035">[pg 035]</span><a name="Pg035" id="Pg035" class="tei tei-anchor"></a></p> +</div> +</div> + +<hr class="page" /> + +<div class="tei tei-div"> +<a name="toc_18" id="toc_18"></a> +<h1 class="tei tei-head">VII—WATCHING BASEBALL</h1> + +<h1 style="font-size: 85%" class="tei tei-head">D.A.C. NEWS</h1> + +<p class="tei tei-p">Eighteen men play a game of baseball and +eighteen thousand watch them, and yet those +who play are the only ones who have any +official direction in the matter of rules and regulations. +The eighteen thousand are allowed to run +wild. They don't have even a Spalding's Guide containing +group photographs of model organizations +of fans in Fall River, Mass., or the Junior Rooters +of Lyons, Nebraska. Whatever course of behavior +a fan follows at a game he makes up for +himself. This is, of course, ridiculous.</p> + +<p class="tei tei-p">The first set of official rulings for spectators at +baseball games has been formulated and is herewith +reproduced. It is to be hoped that in the +general cleanup which the game is undergoing, +the grandstand and bleachers will not resent a little +dictation from the authorities.</p> + +<p class="tei tei-p">In the first place, there is the question of shouting +encouragement, or otherwise, at the players. There +<span class="tei-pb" id="page036">[pg 036]</span><a name="Pg036" id="Pg036" class="tei tei-anchor"></a>must be no more random screaming. It is of course +understood that the players are entirely dependent +on the advice offered them from the stands for their +actions in the game, and how is a batter to know +what to do if, for instance, he hears a little man in +the bleachers shouting, "Wait for 'em, Wally! +Wait for 'em," and another little man in the south +stand shouting "Take a crack at the first one, +Wally!"? What would you do? What would +Lincoln have done?</p> + +<p class="tei tei-p">The official advisers in the stands must work +together. They must remember that as the batter +advances toward the plate he is listening for them +to give him his instructions, and if he hears conflicting +advice there is no telling what he may do. +He may even have to decide for himself.</p> + +<p class="tei tei-p">Therefore, before each player goes to bat, there +should be a conference among the fans who have +ideas on what his course of action should be, and +as soon as a majority have come to a decision, the +advice should be shouted to the player in unison +under the direction of a cheer-leader. If there are +any dissenting opinions, they may be expressed in +a minority report.</p> + +<p class="tei tei-p">In the matter of hostile remarks addressed at an +unpopular player on the visiting team, it would +probably be better to leave the wording entirely +<span class="tei-pb" id="page037">[pg 037]</span><a name="Pg037" id="Pg037" class="tei tei-anchor"></a>to the individual fans. Each man has his own +talents in this sort of thing and should be allowed +to develop them along natural lines. In such crises +as these in which it becomes necessary to rattle +the opposing pitcher or prevent the visiting catcher +from getting a difficult foul, all considerations of +good sportsmanship should be discarded. As a +matter of fact, it is doubtful if good sportsmanship +should ever be allowed to interfere with the fan's +participation in a contest. The game must be kept +free from all softening influences.</p> + +<p class="tei tei-p">One of the chief duties of the fan is to engage +in arguments with the man behind him. This +department of the game has been allowed to run +down fearfully. A great many men go to a ball +game today and never speak a word to anyone +other than the members of their own party or an +occasional word of cheer to a player. This is +nothing short of craven.</p> + +<p class="tei tei-p">An ardent supporter of the home-team should +go to a game prepared to take offense, no matter +what happens. He should be equipped with a stock +of ready sallies which can be used regardless of +what the argument is about or what has gone +before in the exchange of words. Among the more +popular nuggets of repartee, effective on all occasions, +are the following:<span class="tei-pb" id="page038">[pg 038]</span><a name="Pg038" id="Pg038" class="tei tei-anchor"></a></p> + +<p class="tei tei-p">"Oh, is that so?"</p> + +<p class="tei tei-p">"Eah?"</p> + +<p class="tei tei-p">"How do you get that way?"</p> + +<p class="tei tei-p">"Oh, is that so?"</p> + +<p class="tei tei-p">"So are you."</p> + +<p class="tei tei-p">"Aw, go have your hair bobbed."</p> + +<p class="tei tei-p">"Oh, is that so?"</p> + +<p class="tei tei-p">"Well, what are you going to do about it?"</p> + +<p class="tei tei-p">"Who says so?"</p> + +<p class="tei tei-p">"Eah? Well, I'll Cincinnati you."</p> + +<p class="tei tei-p">"Oh, is that so?"</p> + +<p class="tei tei-p">Any one of these, if hurled with sufficient venom, +is good for ten points. And it should always be +borne in mind that there is no danger of physical +harm resulting from even the most ferocious-sounding +argument. Statistics gathered by the War +Department show that the percentage of actual +blows struck in grandstand arguments is one in +every 43,000,000.</p> + +<p class="tei tei-p">For those fans who are occasionally obliged to +take inexperienced lady-friends to a game, a special +set of rules has been drawn up. These include the +compulsory purchase of tickets in what is called +the "Explaining Section," a block of seats set aside +by the management for the purpose. The view of +the diamond from this section is not very good, but +it doesn't matter, as the men wouldn't see anything +<span class="tei-pb" id="page039">[pg 039]</span><a name="Pg039" id="Pg039" class="tei tei-anchor"></a>of the game anyway and the women can see just +enough to give them material for questions and +to whet their curiosity. As everyone around you is +answering questions and trying to explain score-keeping, +there is not the embarrassment which is +usually attendant on being overheard by unattached +fans in the vicinity. There is also not the distracting +sound of breaking pencils and modified cursing +to interfere with unattached fans' enjoyment of the +game.</p> + +<p class="tei tei-p">Absolutely no gentlemen with uninformed ladies +will be admitted to the main stand. In order to +enforce this regulation, a short examination on the +rudiments of the game will take place at the gate, +in which ladies will be expected to answer briefly the +following questions: (Women examiners will be in +attendance.)</p> + +<p class="tei tei-p">1. What game is it that is being played on this +field?</p> + +<p class="tei tei-p">2. How many games have you seen before?</p> + +<p class="tei tei-p">3. What is (a) a pitcher; (b) a base; (c) a bat?</p> + +<p class="tei tei-p">4. What color uniform does the home-team wear?</p> + +<p class="tei tei-p">5. What is the name of the home-team?</p> + +<p class="tei tei-p">6. In the following sentence, cross out the incorrect +statements, leaving the correct one: The +catcher stands (1) directly behind the pitcher in the +pitcher's box; (2) at the gate taking tickets; (3) +<span class="tei-pb" id="page040">[pg 040]</span><a name="Pg040" id="Pg040" class="tei tei-anchor"></a>behind the batter; (4) at the bottom of the main +aisle, selling ginger-ale.</p> + +<p class="tei tei-p">7. What again is the name of the game you +expect to see played?</p> + +<p class="tei tei-p">8. Do you cry easily?</p> + +<p class="tei tei-p">9. Is there anything else you would rather be +doing this afternoon?</p> + +<p class="tei tei-p">10. If so, please go and do it.</p> + +<p class="tei tei-p">It has been decided that the American baseball +fan should have a distinctive dress. A choice has +been made from among the more popular styles and +the following has been designated as regulation, embodying, +as it does, the spirit and tone of the great +national pastime.</p> + +<p class="tei tei-p">Straw hat, worn well back on the head; one cigar, +unlighted, held between teeth; coat held across +knees; vest worn but unbuttoned and open, displaying +both a belt and suspenders, with gold watch-chain +connecting the bottom pockets.</p> + +<p class="tei tei-p">The vest may be an added expense to certain fans +who do not wear vests during the summer months, +but it has been decided that it is absolutely essential +to the complete costume, and no true baseball enthusiast +will hesitate in complying.<span class="tei-pb" id="page041">[pg 041]</span><a name="Pg041" id="Pg041" class="tei tei-anchor"></a></p> +</div> + +<hr class="page" /> + +<div class="tei tei-div"> +<a name="toc_19" id="toc_19"></a> +<h1 class="tei tei-head">VIII—HOW TO BE A SPECTATOR AT SPRING PLANTING</h1> + +<p class="tei tei-p">The danger in watching gardening, as in watching +many other sports, is that you may be +drawn into it yourself. This you must fight against. +Your sinecure standing depends on a rigid abstinence +from any of the work itself. Once you stoop +over to hold one end of a string for a groaning +planter, once you lift one shovelful of earth or toss +out one stone, you become a worker and a worker +is an abomination in the eyes of the true garden +watcher.</p> + +<p class="tei tei-p">A fence is, therefore, a great help. You may take +up your position on the other side of the fence from +the garden and lean heavily against it smoking a +pipe, or you may even sit on it. Anything so long as +you are out of helping distance and yet near enough +so that the worker will be within easy range of +your voice. You ought to be able to point a great +deal, also.</p> + +<p class="tei tei-p">There is much to be watched during the early +stages of garden-preparation. Nothing is so satisfying +<span class="tei-pb" id="page042">[pg 042]</span><a name="Pg042" id="Pg042" class="tei tei-anchor"></a>as to lean ruminatingly against a fence and +observe the slow, rhythmic swing of the digger's +back or hear the repeated scraping of the shovel-edge +against some buried rock. It sometimes is a +help to the digger to sing a chanty, just to give him +the beat. And then sometimes it is not. He will +tell you in case he doesn't need it.</p> + +<p class="tei tei-p">There is always a great deal for the watcher to +do in the nature of comment on the soil. This is +especially true if it is a new garden or has never been +cultivated before by the present owner. The idea +is to keep the owner from becoming too sanguine +over the prospects.</p> + +<p class="tei tei-p">"That soil looks pretty clayey," is a good thing +to say. (It is hard to say, clearly, too. You had +better practise it before trying it out on the +gardener).</p> + +<p class="tei tei-p">"I don't think that you'll have much luck with +potatoes in that kind of earth," is another helpful +approach. It is even better to go at it the other way, +finding out first what the owner expects to plant. +It may be that he isn't going to plant any potatoes, +and then there you are, stuck with a perfectly dandy +prediction which has no bearing on the case. It is +time enough to pull it after he has told you that +he expects to plant peas, beans, beets, corn. Then +you can interrupt him and say: "Corn?" incredulously. +<span class="tei-pb" id="page043">[pg 043]</span><a name="Pg043" id="Pg043" class="tei tei-anchor"></a>"You don't expect to get any corn in that +soil do you? Don't you know that corn requires +a large percentage of bi-carbonate of soda in the soil, +and I don't think, from the looks, that there is an +ounce of soda bi-carb. in your whole plot. Even +if the corn does come up, it will be so tough you can't +eat it."</p> + +<p class="tei tei-p">Then you can laugh, and call out to a neighbor, +or even to the man's wife: "Hey, what do you +know? Steve here thinks he's going to get some +corn up in this soil!"</p> + +<p class="tei tei-p">The watcher will find plenty to do when the time +comes to pick the stones out of the freshly turned-over +earth. It is his work to get upon a high place +where he can survey the whole garden and detect +the more obvious rocks.</p> + +<p class="tei tei-p">"Here is a big fella over here, Steve," he may say. +Or: "Just run your rake a little over in that corner. +I'll bet you'll find a nest of them there."</p> + +<p class="tei tei-p">"Plymouth Rock" is a funny thing to call any +particularly offensive boulder, and is sure to get +a laugh, especially if you kid the digger good-naturedly +about being a Pilgrim and landing on it. +He may even give it to you to keep.</p> + +<p class="tei tei-p">Just as a matter of convenience for the worker, +watchers have sometimes gone to the trouble of +keeping count of the number of stones thrown out. +<span class="tei-pb" id="page044">[pg 044]</span><a name="Pg044" id="Pg044" class="tei tei-anchor"></a>This is done by shouting out the count after each +stone has been tossed. It makes a sort of game of +the thing, and in this spirit the digger may be urged +on to make a record.</p> + +<p class="tei tei-p">"That's forty-eight, old man! Come on now, +make her fifty. Attaboy, forty-nine! Only one +more to go. We-want-fifty-we-want-fifty-we-want +fifty."</p> + +<p class="tei tei-p">And not only stones will be found, but queer +objects which have got themselves buried in the +ground during the winter-months and have become +metamorphosed, so they are half way between one +thing and another. As the digger holds one of +these <span style="font-style: italic" class="tei tei-hi">objets dirt</span> gingerly between his thumb and +forefinger the watcher has plenty of opportunity to +shout out:</p> + +<p class="tei tei-p">"You'd better save that. It may come in handy +some day. What is it, Eddie? Your old beard?"</p> + +<p class="tei tei-p">And funny cracks like that.</p> + +<p class="tei tei-p">Here is where it is going to be difficult to keep +to your resolution about not helping. After the +digging, and stoning, and turning-over has been +done, and the ground is all nice and soft and loamy, +the idea of running a rake softly over the susceptible +surface and leaving a beautiful even design in its +wake, is almost too tempting to be withstood.</p> + +<p style="text-align: center" class="tei tei-p"><a name="image04" id="image04" class="tei tei-anchor"></a> +<img src="images/image04.png" alt=""Atta boy, forty-nine: Only one more to go!"" class="tei tei-figure" /></p> +<p style="text-align: center" class="tei tei-p">"Atta boy, forty-nine: Only one more to go!"</p> + +<p class="tei tei-p">The worker himself will do all that he can to +<span class="tei-pb" id="page045">[pg 045]</span><a name="Pg045" id="Pg045" class="tei tei-anchor"></a>make it hard for you. He will rake with evident +delight, much longer than is necessary, back and +forth, across and back, cocking his head and surveying +the pattern and fixing it up along the edges +with a care which is nothing short of insulting considering +the fact that the whole thing has got to be +mussed up again when the planting begins.</p> + +<p class="tei tei-p">If you feel that you can no longer stand it without +offering to assist, get down from the fence and go +into your own house and up to your own room. +There pray for strength. By the time you come +down, the owner of the garden ought to have stopped +raking and got started on the planting.</p> + +<p class="tei tei-p">Here the watcher's task is almost entirely advisory. +And, for the first part of the planting, he +should lie low and say nothing. Wait until the +planter has got his rows marked out and has wobbled +along on his knees pressing the seeds into perhaps +half the length of his first row. Then say:</p> + +<p class="tei tei-p">"Hey there, Charlie! You've got those rows +going the wrong way."</p> + +<p class="tei tei-p">Charlie will say no he hasn't. Then he will ask +what you mean the wrong way.</p> + +<p class="tei tei-p">"Why, you poor cod, you've got them running +north and south. They ought to go east and west. +The sun rises over there, doesn't it?" (Charlie +will attempt to deny this, but you must go right on.) +<span class="tei-pb" id="page046">[pg 046]</span><a name="Pg046" id="Pg046" class="tei tei-anchor"></a>"And it comes on up behind that tree and over my +roof and sets over there, doesn't it?" (By this +time, Charlie will be crying with rage.) "Well, +just as soon as your beans get up an inch or two +they are going to cast a shadow right down the +whole row and only those in front will ever get any +sun. You can't grow things without sun, you +know."</p> + +<p class="tei tei-p">If Charlie takes you seriously and starts in to +rearrange his rows in the other direction, you might +perhaps get down off the fence and go in the house. +You have done enough. If he doesn't take you +seriously, you surely had better go in.<span class="tei-pb" id="page047">[pg 047]</span><a name="Pg047" id="Pg047" class="tei tei-anchor"></a></p> +</div> + +<hr class="page" /> + +<div class="tei tei-div"> +<a name="toc_20" id="toc_20"></a> +<h1 class="tei tei-head">IX—THE MANHATTADOR</h1> + +<p class="tei tei-p">Announcements have been made of a +bull-fight to be held in Madison Square +Garden, New York, in which only the more humane +features of the Spanish institution are to be retained. +The bull will not be killed, or even hurt, +and horses will not be used as bait.</p> + +<p class="tei tei-p">If a bull-fight must be held, this is of course the +way to hold it, but what features are to be substituted +for the playful gorings and stabbings of +the Madrid system? Something must be done to +enrage the bull, otherwise he will just sulk in a +corner or walk out on the whole affair. Following +is a suggestion for the program of events:</p> + +<p class="tei tei-p">1. Grand parade around the ring, headed by a +brass-band and the mayor in matador's costume. +Invitations to march in this parade will be issued +to every one in the bull-fighting set with the exception +of the bull, who will be ignored. This will +make him pretty sore to start with.</p> + +<p class="tei tei-p">2. After the marchers have been seated, the bull +will be led into the ring. An organized cheering +<span class="tei-pb" id="page048">[pg 048]</span><a name="Pg048" id="Pg048" class="tei tei-anchor"></a>section among the spectators will immediately start +jeering him, whistling, and calling "Take off those +horns, we know you!"</p> + +<p class="tei tei-p">3. The picadors will now enter, bearing pikes +with ticklers on the ends. These will be brushed +across the bull's nose as the picadors rush past +him on noisy motor-cycles. The noise of the motor-cycles +is counted on to irritate the bull quite as much +as the ticklers, as he will probably be trying to +sleep at the time.</p> + +<p class="tei tei-p">4. Enter the bandilleros, carrying various ornate +articles of girls' clothing (daisy-hat with blue ribbons, +pink sash, lace jabot, etc.) which will, one by +one, be hung on the bull when he isn't looking. In +order to accomplish this, one of the bandilleros will +engage the animal in conversation while another +sneaks up behind him with the frippery. When he +is quite trimmed, the bandilleros will withdraw to +behind a shelter and call him: "Lizzie!"</p> + +<p class="tei tei-p">5. By this time, the bull will be almost crying +he will be so sore. This is the moment for the entrance +of the intrepid matador. The matador will +wear an outing cap with a cutaway and Jaeger +vest, and the animal will become so infuriated by +this inexcusable <span style="font-style: italic" class="tei tei-hi">mésalliance</span> of garments that he will +charge madly at his antagonist. The matador, who +will be equipped with boxing-gloves, will feint with +<span class="tei-pb" id="page049">[pg 049]</span><a name="Pg049" id="Pg049" class="tei tei-anchor"></a>his left and pull the daisy-hat down over the bull's +eyes with his right, immediately afterward stepping +quickly to one side. The bull, blinded by the +daisies, will not know where to go next and soon will +laughingly admit that the joke has been on him. +He will then allow the matador to jump on his back +and ride around the ring, making good-natured attempts +to unseat his rider.<span class="tei-pb" id="page050">[pg 050]</span><a name="Pg050" id="Pg050" class="tei tei-anchor"></a></p> +</div> + +<hr class="page" /> + +<div class="tei tei-div"> +<a name="toc_21" id="toc_21"></a> +<h1 class="tei tei-head">X—WHAT TO DO WHILE THE FAMILY IS AWAY</h1> + +<p class="tei tei-p">Somewhere or other the legend has sprung +up that, as soon as the family goes away for +the summer, Daddy brushes the hair over his bald +spot, ties up his shoes, and goes out on a whirlwind +trip through the hellish districts of town. The +funny papers are responsible for this, just as they +are responsible for the idea that all millionaires +are fat and that Negroes are inordinately fond of +watermelons.</p> + +<p class="tei tei-p">I will not deny that for just about four minutes +after the train has left, bearing Mother, Sister, +Junior, Ingabog and the mechanical walrus on their +way to Anybunkport, Daddy is suffused with a +certain queer feeling of being eleven years old and +down-town alone for the first time with fifteen cents +to spend on anything he wants. The city seems to +spread itself out before him just ablaze with lights +and his feet rise lightly from the ground as if attached +to toy balloons. I do not deny that his first +move is to straighten his tie.<span class="tei-pb" id="page051">[pg 051]</span><a name="Pg051" id="Pg051" class="tei tei-anchor"></a></p> + +<p class="tei tei-p">But five minutes would be a generous allowance +for the duration of this foot-loose elation. As he +leaves the station he suddenly becomes aware of the +fact that no one else has heard about his being +fancy-free. Everyone seems to be going somewhere +in a very important manner. A great many +people, oddly enough seem to be going home. +Ordinarily he would be going home, too. But +there would not be much sense in going home now, +without—. But come, come, this is no way to +feel! Buck up, man! How about a wild oat or +two?</p> + +<p class="tei tei-p">Around at the club the doorman says that Mr. +McNartly hasn't been in all afternoon and that +Mr. Freem was in at about four-thirty but went out +again with a bag. There is no one in the lounge +whom he ever saw before. A lot of new members +must have been taken in at the last meeting. The +club is running down fast. He calls up Eddie Mastayer's +office but he has gone for the day. Oh, +well, someone will probably come in for dinner. +He hasn't eaten dinner at the club for a long time +and there will be just time for a swim before settling +down to a nice piece of salmon steak.</p> + +<p class="tei tei-p">All the new members seem to be congregated now +in the pool and they look him over as if he were a +fresh-air child being given a day's outing. He becomes +<span class="tei-pb" id="page052">[pg 052]</span><a name="Pg052" id="Pg052" class="tei tei-anchor"></a>self-conscious and slips on the marble floor, +falling and hurting his shin quite badly. Who the +hell are these people anyway? And where is the +old bunch? He emerges from the locker room +much hotter than he was before and in addition, +boiling with rage.</p> + +<p class="tei tei-p">Dinner is one of the most depressing rituals he +has ever gone through with. Even the waiters seem +unfamiliar. Once he even gets up and goes out +to the front of the building to see if he hasn't got +into the wrong club-house by mistake. Pretty soon +a terrible person whose name is either Riegle +or Ropple comes and sits down with him, offering +as his share of the conversation the dogmatic announcement +that it has been hotter today than it +was yesterday. This is denied with some feeling, +although it is known to be true. Dessert is dispensed +with for the sake of getting away from +Riegle or Ropple or whatever his name is.</p> + +<p class="tei tei-p">Then the first gay evening looms up ahead. +What to do? There is nothing to prevent his +drawing all the money out of the bank and tearing +the town wide open from the City Hall to the Soldier's +Monument. There is nothing to prevent his +formally introducing himself to some nice blonde +and watching her get the meat out of a lobster-claw. +There is nothing to prevent his hiring some bootlegger +<span class="tei-pb" id="page053">[pg 053]</span><a name="Pg053" id="Pg053" class="tei tei-anchor"></a>to anoint him with synthetic gin until he +glows like a fire-fly and imagines that he has just +been elected Mayor on a Free Ice-Cream ticket. +Absolutely nothing stands in his way, except a dispairing +vision of crêpe letters before his eyes reading:"—And For What?"</p> + +<p class="tei tei-p">He ends up by going to the movies where he falls +asleep. Rather than go home to the empty house +he stays at the club. In the morning he is at the +office at a quarter to seven.</p> + +<p class="tei tei-p">Now there ought to be several things that a man +could do at home to relieve the tedium of his existence +while the family is away. Once you get +accustomed to the sound of your footsteps on the +floors and reach a state of self-control where you +don't break down and sob every time you run into +a toy which has been left standing around, there are +lots of ways of keeping yourself amused in an +empty house.</p> + +<p class="tei tei-p">You can set the victrola going and dance. You +may never have had an opportunity to get off by +yourself and practice those new steps without someone's +coming suddenly into the room and making +you look foolish. (That's one big advantage about +being absolutely alone in a house. You can't <span style="font-style: italic" class="tei tei-hi">look</span> +foolish, no matter what you do. You may <span style="font-style: italic" class="tei tei-hi">be</span> +foolish, but no one except you and your God knows +<span class="tei-pb" id="page054">[pg 054]</span><a name="Pg054" id="Pg054" class="tei tei-anchor"></a>about it and God probably has a great deal too +much to do to go around telling people how foolish +you were). So roll back the rugs and put on +"Kalua" and, holding out one arm in as fancy a +manner as you wish, slip the other daintily about +the waist of an imaginary partner and step out. +You'd be surprised to see how graceful you are. +Pretty soon you will get confidence to try a few +tricks. A very nice one is to stop in the middle +of a step, point the left toe delicately twice in time +to the music, dip, and whirl. It makes no difference +if you fall on the whirl. Who cares? And when +you are through dancing you can go out to the +faucet and get yourself a drink—provided the +water hasn't been turned off.</p> + +<p class="tei tei-p">Lots of fun may also be had by going out into the +kitchen and making things with whatever is left +in the pantry. There will probably be plenty of +salt and nutmegs, with boxes of cooking soda, +tapioca, corn-starch and maybe, if you are lucky, +an old bottle of olives. Get out a cook-book and +choose something that looks nice in the picture. In +place of the ingredients which you do not have, +substitute those which you do, thus: nutmegs for +eggs, tapioca for truffles, corn-starch and water for +milk, and so forth and so forth. Then go in and +set the table according to the instructions in the +<span class="tei-pb" id="page055">[pg 055]</span><a name="Pg055" id="Pg055" class="tei tei-anchor"></a>cook-book for a Washington's Birthday party, light +the candles, and with one of them set fire to the +house.</p> + +<p class="tei tei-p">There is probably a night-train for Anybunkport +which you can catch while the place is still burning.</p> + +<p style="text-align: center" class="tei tei-p">* * * * *</p> + +<p class="tei tei-p">To those male readers whose families are away +for the summer:</p> + +<p class="tei tei-p"><span style="font-style: italic" class="tei tei-hi">Tear the above story out along dotted line and +mail it to the folks, writing in pencil across the top +"This guy has struck it about right." Then drop +around tonight at seven-thirty to Eddie's apartment. +Joe Reddish, John Liftwich, Harry Thibault +and three others will be there and the limit will be +fifty cents. Game will</span> absolutely <span style="font-style: italic" class="tei tei-hi">break up at one-thirty. +No fooling. One-thirty and not a minute +longer.</span><span class="tei-pb" id="page056">[pg 056]</span><a name="Pg056" id="Pg056" class="tei tei-anchor"></a></p> +</div> + +<hr class="page" /> + +<div class="tei tei-div"> +<a name="toc_22" id="toc_22"></a> +<h1 class="tei tei-head">XI—"ROLL YOUR OWN"</h1> + +<h1 style="font-size: 85%" class="tei tei-head"><span style="font-style: italic" class="tei tei-hi">Inside Points on Building and Maintaining a +Private Tennis Court</span></h1> + +<p class="tei tei-p">Now that the Great War is practically over, +until the next one begins there isn't very +much that you can do with that large plot of +ground which used to be your war-garden. It is +too small for a running-track and too large for +nasturtiums. Obviously, the only thing left is a +tennis-court.</p> + +<p class="tei tei-p">One really ought to have a tennis-court of one's +own. Those at the Club are always so full that on +Saturdays and Sundays the people waiting to play +look like the gallery at a Davis Cup match, and +even when you do get located you have two sets of +balls to chase, yours and those of the people in the +next court.</p> + +<p class="tei tei-p">The first thing is to decide among yourselves just +what kind of court it is to be. There are three +kinds: grass, clay, and corn-meal. In Maine, +gravel courts are also very popular. Father will +usually hold out for a grass court because it gives +<span class="tei-pb" id="page057">[pg 057]</span><a name="Pg057" id="Pg057" class="tei tei-anchor"></a>a slower bounce to the ball and Father isn't so quick +on the bounce as he used to be. All Mother insists +on is plenty of headroom. Junior and Myrtis will +want a clay one because you can dance on a clay +one in the evening. The court as finished will be +a combination grass and dirt, with a little golden-rod +late in August.</p> + +<p class="tei tei-p">A little study will be necessary before laying out +the court. I mean you can't just go out and mark +a court by guess-work. You must first learn what +the dimensions are supposed to be and get as near +to them as is humanly possible. Whereas there +might be a slight margin for error in some measurements, +it is absolutely essential that both sides are +the same length, otherwise you might end up by +lobbing back to yourself if you got very excited.</p> + +<p class="tei tei-p">The worst place to get the dope on how to +arrange a tennis-court is in the Encyclopædia Britannica. +The article on TENNIS was evidently +written by the Archbishop of Canterbury. It begins +by explaining that in America tennis is called +"court tennis." The only answer to that is, +"You're a cock-eyed liar!" The whole article is +like this.</p> + +<p class="tei tei-p">The name "tennis," it says, probably comes from +the French "<span style="font-style: italic" class="tei tei-hi">Tenez</span>!" meaning "Take it! Play!" +More likely, in my opinion, it is derived from the +<span class="tei-pb" id="page058">[pg 058]</span><a name="Pg058" id="Pg058" class="tei tei-anchor"></a>Polish "<span style="font-style: italic" class="tei tei-hi">Tinith</span>!" meaning "Go on, that was <span style="font-style: italic" class="tei tei-hi">not</span> +outside!"</p> + +<p class="tei tei-p">During the Fourteenth Century the game was +played by the highest people in France. Louis X +died from a chill contracted after playing. Charles +V was devoted to it, although he tried in vain to +stop it as a pastime for the lower classes (the +origin of the country-club); Charles VI watched it +being played from the room where he was confined +during his attack of insanity and Du Guesclin +amused himself with it during the siege of Dinan. +And, although it doesn't say so in the Encyclopædia, +Robert C. Benchley, after playing for the first time +in the season of 1922, was so lame under the right +shoulder-blade that he couldn't lift a glass to his +mouth.</p> + +<p class="tei tei-p">This fascinating historical survey of tennis goes +on to say that in the reign of Henri IV the game +was so popular that it was said that "there were +more tennis-players in Paris than drunkards in +England." The drunkards of England were so +upset by this boast that they immediately started +a drive for membership with the slogan, "Five +thousand more drunkards by April 15, and to Hell +with France!" One thing led to another until war +was declared.</p> + +<p class="tei tei-p">The net does not appear until the 17th century. +<span class="tei-pb" id="page059">[pg 059]</span><a name="Pg059" id="Pg059" class="tei tei-anchor"></a>Up until that time a rope, either fringed or tasseled, +was stretched across the court. This probably had +to be abandoned because it was so easy to crawl +under it and chase your opponent. There might +also have been ample opportunity for the person +playing at the net or at the "rope," to catch the eye +of the player directly opposite by waving his racquet +high in the air and then to kick him under the +rope, knocking him for a loop while the ball was +being put into play in his territory. You have to +watch these Frenchmen every minute.</p> + +<p class="tei tei-p">The Encyclopedia Britannica gives fifteen lines +to "Tennis in America." It says that "few tennis +courts existed in America before 1880, but that now +there are courts in Boston, New York, Chicago, +Tuxedo and Lakewood and several other places." +Everyone try hard to think now just where those +other places are!</p> + +<p class="tei tei-p">Which reminds us that one of them is going to +be in your side yard where the garden used to be. +After you have got the dimensions from the Encyclopædia, +call up a professional tennis-court maker +and get him to do the job for you. Just tell him +that you want "a tennis-court."</p> + +<p class="tei tei-p">Once it is built the fun begins. According to the +arrangement, each member of the family is to have +certain hours during which it belongs to them and +<span class="tei-pb" id="page060">[pg 060]</span><a name="Pg060" id="Pg060" class="tei tei-anchor"></a>no one else. Thus the children can play before +breakfast and after breakfast until the sun gets +around so that the west court is shady. Then +Daddy and Mother and sprightly friends may take +it over. Later in the afternoon the children have it +again, and if there is any light left after dinner +Daddy can take a whirl at the ball.</p> + +<p class="tei tei-p">What actually will happen is this: Right after +breakfast Roger Beeman, who lives across the street +and who is home for the summer with a couple of +college friends who are just dandy looking, will +come over and ask if they may use the court until +someone wants it. They will let Myrtis play with +them and perhaps Myrtis' girl-chum from Westover. +They will play five sets, running into scores +like 19-17, and at lunch time will make plans for a +ride into the country for the afternoon. Daddy will +stick around in the offing all dressed up in his +tennis-clothes waiting to play with Uncle Ted, but +somehow or other every time he approaches the +court the young people will be in the middle of a set.</p> + +<p style="text-align: center" class="tei tei-p"><a name="image05" id="image05" class="tei tei-anchor"></a> +<img src="images/image05.png" alt="For three hours there is a great deal of screaming." class="tei tei-figure" /></p> +<p style="text-align: center" class="tei tei-p">For three hours there is a great deal of screaming.</p> + +<p class="tei tei-p">After lunch, Lillian Nieman, who lives three +houses down the street, will come up and ask if she +may bring her cousin (just on from the West) to +play a set until someone wants the court. Lillian's +cousin has never played tennis before but she has +done a lot of croquet and thinks she ought to pick +<span class="tei-pb" id="page061">[pg 061]</span><a name="Pg061" id="Pg061" class="tei tei-anchor"></a>tennis up rather easily. For three hours there is a +great deal of screaming, with Lillian and her cousin +hitting the ball an aggregate of eleven times, while +Daddy patters up and down the side-lines, all +dressed up in white, practising shots against the +netting.</p> + +<p class="tei tei-p">Finally, the girls will ask him to play with them, +and he will thank them and say that he has to go +in the house now as he is all perspiration and is +afraid of catching cold.</p> + +<p class="tei tei-p">After dinner there is dancing on the court by the +young people. Anyway, Daddy is getting pretty +old for tennis.<span class="tei-pb" id="page062">[pg 062]</span><a name="Pg062" id="Pg062" class="tei tei-anchor"></a></p> +</div> + +<hr class="page" /> + +<div class="tei tei-div"> +<a name="toc_23" id="toc_23"></a> +<h1 class="tei tei-head">XII—DO INSECTS THINK?</h1> + +<p class="tei tei-p">In a recent book entitled, "The Psychic Life of +Insects," Professor Bouvier says that we must +be careful not to credit the little winged fellows with +intelligence when they behave in what seems like an +intelligent manner. They may be only reacting. +I would like to confront the Professor with an instance +of reasoning power on the part of an insect +which can not be explained away in any such +manner.</p> + +<p class="tei tei-p">During the summer of 1899, while I was at work +on my treatise "Do Larvae Laugh," we kept a +female wasp at our cottage in the Adirondacks. It +really was more like a child of our own than a wasp, +except that it <span style="font-style: italic" class="tei tei-hi">looked</span> more like a wasp than a child +of our own. That was one of the ways we told the +difference.</p> + +<p class="tei tei-p">It was still a young wasp when we got it (thirteen +or fourteen years old) and for some time we could +not get it to eat or drink, it was so shy. Since it +was a, female, we decided to call it Miriam, but soon +the children's nickname for it—"Pudge"—became +<span class="tei-pb" id="page063">[pg 063]</span><a name="Pg063" id="Pg063" class="tei tei-anchor"></a>a fixture, and "Pudge" it was from that time +on.</p> + +<p class="tei tei-p">One evening I had been working late in my +laboratory fooling round with some gin and other +chemicals, and in leaving the room I tripped over +a nine of diamonds which someone had left lying +on the floor and knocked over my card catalogue +containing the names and addresses of all the larvae +worth knowing in North America. The cards went +everywhere.</p> + +<p class="tei tei-p">I was too tired to stop to pick them up that night, +and went sobbing to bed, just as mad as I could be. +As I went, however, I noticed the wasp flying about +in circles over the scattered cards. "Maybe Pudge +will pick them up," I said half-laughingly to myself, +never thinking for one moment that such would +be the case.</p> + +<p class="tei tei-p">When I came down the next morning Pudge was +still asleep over in her box, evidently tired out. +And well she might have been. For there on the +floor lay the cards scattered all about just as I +had left them the night before. The faithful little +insect had buzzed about all night trying to come to +some decision about picking them up and arranging +them in the catalogue-box, and then, figuring out +for herself that, as she knew practically nothing +about larvae of any sort except wasp-larvae, she +<span class="tei-pb" id="page064">[pg 064]</span><a name="Pg064" id="Pg064" class="tei tei-anchor"></a>would probably make more of a mess of rearranging +them than as if she left them on the floor for +me to fix. It was just too much for her to tackle, +and, discouraged, she went over and lay down in +her box, where she cried herself to sleep.</p> + +<p class="tei tei-p">If this is not an answer to Professor Bouvier's +statement that insects have no reasoning power, I +do not know what is.<span class="tei-pb" id="page065">[pg 065]</span><a name="Pg065" id="Pg065" class="tei tei-anchor"></a></p> +</div> + +<hr class="page" /> + +<div class="tei tei-div"> +<a name="toc_24" id="toc_24"></a> +<h1 class="tei tei-head">XIII—THE SCORE IN THE STANDS</h1> + +<p class="tei tei-p">The opening week of the baseball season +brought out few surprises. The line-up in +the grandstands was practically the same as when +the season closed last Fall, most of the fans busying +themselves before the first game started by picking +old 1921 seat checks and October peanut crumbs +out of the pockets of their light-weight overcoats.</p> + +<p class="tei tei-p">Old-timers on the two teams recognized the familiar +faces in the bleachers and were quick to give +them a welcoming cheer. The game by innings as +it was conducted by the spectators is as follows:</p> + +<p class="tei tei-p">FIRST INNING: Scanlon, sitting in the first-base +bleachers, yelled to Ruth to lead off with a +homer. Thibbets sharpened his pencil. Liebman +and O'Rourke, in the south stand, engaged in a bitter +controversy over Peckingpaugh's last-season batting +average. NO RUNS.</p> + +<p class="tei tei-p">SECOND INNING: Scanlon yelled to Bodie to +to whang out a double. Turtelot said that Bodie +couldn't do it. Scanlon said "Oh, is that so?" +Turtelot said "Yes, that's so and whad' yer know +<span class="tei-pb" id="page066">[pg 066]</span><a name="Pg066" id="Pg066" class="tei tei-anchor"></a>about that?" Bodie whanged out a double and +Scanlon's collar came undone and he lost his +derby. Stevens announced that this made Bodie's +batting average 1000 for the season so far. Joslin +laughed.</p> + +<p class="tei tei-p">THIRD INNING: Thibbets sharpened his pencil. +Zinnzer yelled to Mays to watch out for a fast +one. Steinway yelled to Mays to watch out for a +slow one. Mays fanned. O'Rourke called out and +asked Brazill how all the little brazil-nuts were. +Levy turned to O'Rourke and said he'd brazil-nut +him. O'Rourke said "Eah? When do you start +doing it?" Levy said: "Right now." O'Rourke +said: "All right, come on. I'm waiting." Levy +said: "Eah?" O'Rourke said: "Well, why don't +you come, you big haddock?" Levy said he'd wait +for O'Rourke outside where there weren't any ladies. +NO RUNS.</p> + +<p class="tei tei-p">FOURTH INNING: Scanlon called out to Ruth +to knock a homer, Thibbets sharpened his pencil. +Scanlon yelled: "Atta-boy, Babe, whad' I tell +yer!" when Ruth got a single.</p> + +<p class="tei tei-p">FIFTH INNING: Mrs. Whitebait asked Mr. +Whitebait how you marked a home-run on the +score-card. Mr. Whitebait said: "Why do you +have to know? No one has knocked a home-run." +Mrs. Whitebait said that Babe Ruth ran home in +<span class="tei-pb" id="page067">[pg 067]</span><a name="Pg067" id="Pg067" class="tei tei-anchor"></a>the last inning. "Yes, I know," said Mr. Whitebait, +"but it wasn't a home-run." Mrs. W. asked +him with some asperity just why it wasn't a home-run, +if a man ran home, especially if it was Babe +Ruth. Mr. W. said: "I'll tell you later. I want +to watch the game." Mrs. Whitebait began to cry +a little. Mr. Whitebait groaned and snatched the +card away from her and marked a home-run for +Ruth in the fourth inning.</p> + +<p class="tei tei-p">SIXTH INNING: Thurston called out to Hasty +not to let them fool him. Wicker said that where +Hasty got fooled in the first place was when he let +them tell him he could play baseball. Unknown +man said that he was "too Hasty," and laughed +very hard. Thurston said that Hasty was a better +pitcher than Mays, when he was in form. Unknown +man said "Eah?" and laughed very hard +again. Wicker asked how many times in seven years +Hasty was in form and Thurston replied: "Often +enough for you." Unknown man said that what +Hasty needed was some hasty-pudding, and laughed +so hard that his friend had to take him out.</p> + +<p class="tei tei-p">Thibbets sharpened his pencil.</p> + +<p class="tei tei-p">SEVENTH INNING: Libby called "Everybody +up!" as if he had just originated the idea, +and seemed proudly pleased when everyone stood +up. Taussig threw money to the boy for a bag of +<span class="tei-pb" id="page068">[pg 068]</span><a name="Pg068" id="Pg068" class="tei tei-anchor"></a>peanuts who tossed the bag to Levy who kept it. +Taussig to boy to Levy.</p> + +<p class="tei tei-p">Scanlon yelled to Ruth to come through with a +homer. Ruth knocked a single and Scanlon yelled +"Atta-boy, Babe! All-er way 'round! All-er way +round, Babe!" Mrs. Whitebait asked Mr. Whitebait +which were the Clevelands. Mr. Whitebait said +very quietly that the Clevelands weren't playing to-day, +just New York and Philadelphia and that only +two teams could play the game at the same time, that +perhaps next year they would have it so that Cleveland +and Philadelphia could both play New York at +once but the rules would have to be changed first. +Mrs. Whitebait said that he didn't have to be so +nasty about is. Mr. W. said My God, who's being +nasty? Mrs. W. said that the only reason she came +up with him anyway to see the Giants play was because +then she knew that he wasn't off with a lot of +bootleggers. Mr. W. said that it wasn't the Giants +but the Yankees that she was watching and where +did she get that bootlegger stuff. Mrs. W. said never +mind where she got it. NO RUNS.</p> + +<p class="tei tei-p">EIGHTH INNING: Thibbets sharpened his +pencil. Litner got up and went home. Scanlon +yelled to Ruth to end up the game with a homer. +Ruth singled. Scanlon yelled "Atta-Babe!" and +went home.<span class="tei-pb" id="page069">[pg 069]</span><a name="Pg069" id="Pg069" class="tei tei-anchor"></a></p> + +<p class="tei tei-p">NINTH INNING: Stevens began figuring up +the players' batting averages for the season thus far. +Wicker called over to Thurston and asked him how +Mr. Hasty was now. Thurston said "That's all +right how he is." Mrs. Whitebait said that she intended +to go to her sister's for dinner and that Mr. +Whitebait could do as he liked. Mr. Whitebait +told her to bet that he would do just that. Thibbets +broke his pencil.</p> + +<p class="tei tei-p">Score: New York 11. Philadelphia 1.<span class="tei-pb" id="page070">[pg 070]</span><a name="Pg070" id="Pg070" class="tei tei-anchor"></a></p> +</div> + +<hr class="page" /> + +<div class="tei tei-div"> +<a name="toc_25" id="toc_25"></a> +<h1 class="tei tei-head">XIV—MID-WINTER SPORTS</h1> + +<p class="tei tei-p">These are melancholy days for the newspaper +sporting-writers. The complaints are +all in from old grads of Miami who feel that there +weren't enough Miami men on the All-American +football team, and it is too early to begin writing +about the baseball training camps. Once in a while +some lady swimmer goes around a tank three hundred +times, or the holder of the Class B squash +championship "meets all-comers in court tilt," but +aside from that, the sporting world is buried with +the nuts for the winter.</p> + +<p class="tei tei-p">Since sporting-writers must live, why not introduce +a few items of general interest into their columns, +accounts of the numerous contests of speed +and endurance which take place during the winter +months in the homes of our citizenry? For instance:</p> + +<blockquote style="margin: 2em 4em" class="tei tei-quote"> +<p class="tei tei-p">The nightly races between Mr. and Mrs. Theodore +M. Twamly, to see who can get into bed first, leaving +the opening of the windows and putting out of +the light for the loser, was won last night for the +<span class="tei-pb" id="page071">[pg 071]</span><a name="Pg071" id="Pg071" class="tei tei-anchor"></a>first time this winter by Mr. Twamly. Strategy +entered largely into the victory, Mr. Twamly getting +into bed with most of his clothes on.</p> +</blockquote> + +<blockquote style="margin: 2em 4em" class="tei tei-quote"> +<p class="tei tei-p">An interesting exhibition of endurance was given +by Martin W. Lasbert at his home last evening +when he covered the distance between the cold-water +tap in his bath-room to the bedside of his young +daughter, Mertice, eighteen times in three hours, +this being the number of her demands for water +to drink. When interviewed after the eighteenth +lap, Mr. Lasbert said: "I wouldn't do it another +time, not if the child were parching." Shortly after +that he made his nineteenth trip.</p> +</blockquote> + +<blockquote style="margin: 2em 4em" class="tei tei-quote"> +<p class="tei tei-p">As was exclusively predicted in these columns +yesterday and in accordance with all the dope, +Chester H. Flerlie suffered his sixtieth consecutive +defeat last evening at the hands of the American +Radiator Company, the builders of his furnace. +With all respect for Mr. Flerlie's pluck in attempting, +night after night, to dislodge clinkers caught +in the grate, it must be admitted, even by his host +of friends, that he might much better be engaged +in some gainful occupation. The grate tackled by +the doughty challenger last night was one of the +fine-tooth comb variety (the "Non-Sifto" No. +<span class="tei-pb" id="page072">[pg 072]</span><a name="Pg072" id="Pg072" class="tei tei-anchor"></a>114863), in which the clinker is caught by a patent +clutch and held securely until the wrecking-crew +arrives. At the end of the bout Mr. Flerlie was +led away to his dressing room, suffering from +lacerated hands and internal injuries. "I'm +through," was his only comment.</p> +</blockquote> + +<blockquote style="margin: 2em 4em" class="tei tei-quote"> +<p class="tei tei-p">This morning's winners in the Lymedale commuters' +contest for seats on the shady side of the +car on the 8:28 were L.Y. Irman, Sydney M. Gissith, +John F. Nothman and Louis Leque. All the +other seats were won by commuters from Loose +Valley, the next station above Lymedale. In trying +to scramble up the car-steps in advance of lady +passengers, Merton Steef had his right shin badly +skinned and hit his jaw on the bottom step. Time +was <span style="font-style: italic" class="tei tei-hi">not</span> called while his injuries were being looked +after.</p> +</blockquote> + +<p style="text-align: center" class="tei tei-p"><a name="image06" id="image06" class="tei tei-anchor"></a> +<img src="images/image06.png" alt="He was further aided by the breaks of the game." class="tei tei-figure" /></p> +<p style="text-align: center" class="tei tei-p">He was further aided by the breaks of the game.</p> + +<blockquote style="margin: 2em 4em" class="tei tei-quote"> +<p class="tei tei-p">Before an enthusiastic and notable gathering, +young Lester J. Dimmik, age three, put to rout his +younger brother, Carl Withney Dimmik, Jr., age +two, in their matutinal contest to see which can dispose +of his Wheatena first. In the early stages of +the match, it began to look as if the bantamweight +would win in a walk, owing to his trick of throwing +spoonfuls of the breakfast food over his shoulder +<span class="tei-pb" id="page073">[pg 073]</span><a name="Pg073" id="Pg073" class="tei tei-anchor"></a>and under the tray of his high-chair. The referees +soon put a stop to this, however, and specified that +the Wheatena must be placed <span style="font-style: italic" class="tei tei-hi">in</span> the mouth. This +cramped Dimmick Junior's form and it soon became +impossible for him to locate his mouth at all. +At this point, young Lester took the lead, which he +maintained until he crossed the line an easy winner. +As a reward he was relieved of the necessity of +eating another dish of Wheatena.</p> +</blockquote> + +<blockquote style="margin: 2em 4em" class="tei tei-quote"> +<p class="tei tei-p">Stephen L. Agnew was the lucky guest in the +home of Orrin F. McNeal this week-end, beating +out Lee Stable for first chance at the bath-tub on +Sunday morning. Both contestants came out of +their bed rooms at the same time, but Agnew's room +being nearer the bath-room, he made the distance +down the hall in two seconds quicker time than his +somewhat heavier opponent, and was further aided +by the breaks of the game when Stable dropped his +sponge half-way down the straightaway. Agnew's +time in the bath-room was 1 hr. and 25 minutes.<span class="tei-pb" id="page074">[pg 074]</span><a name="Pg074" id="Pg074" class="tei tei-anchor"></a></p> +</blockquote> +</div> + +<hr class="page" /> + +<div class="tei tei-div"> +<a name="toc_26" id="toc_26"></a> +<h1 class="tei tei-head">XV—READING THE FUNNIES ALOUD</h1> + +<p class="tei tei-p">One of the minor enjoyable features of having +children is the necessity of reading aloud to +them the colored comic sections in the Sunday +papers.</p> + +<p class="tei tei-p">And no matter how good your intentions may +have been at first to keep the things out of the house +(the comic sections, not the children) sooner or +later there comes a Sunday when you find that your +little boy has, in some underground fashion, learned +of the raucous existence of <span style="font-style: italic" class="tei tei-hi">Simon Simp</span> or the +<span style="font-style: italic" class="tei tei-hi">Breakback Babies</span>, and is demanding the current +installment with a fervor which will not be denied.</p> + +<p class="tei tei-p">Sunday morning in our house has now become a +time for low subterfuge on the part of Doris and +me in our attempts to be somewhere else when +Junior appears dragging the "funnies" (a loathsome +term in itself) to be read to him. I make +believe that the furnace looks as if it might fall +apart at any minute if it is not watched closely, and +Doris calls from upstairs that she may be some time +over the weekly accounts.<span class="tei-pb" id="page075">[pg 075]</span><a name="Pg075" id="Pg075" class="tei tei-anchor"></a></p> + +<p class="tei tei-p">But sooner or later Junior ferrets one of us out +and presents himself beaming. "<span style="font-style: italic" class="tei tei-hi">Now</span> will you +read me the 'funnies'?" is the dread sentence +which opens the siege. It then becomes a rather ill-natured +contest between Doris and me to see which +can pick the more bearable pages to read, leaving +the interminable ones, containing great balloons +pregnant with words, for the other.</p> + +<p class="tei tei-p">I usually find that Doris has read the Briggs page +to Junior before I get downstairs, the Briggs page +(and possibly the drawings of Voight's <span style="font-style: italic" class="tei tei-hi">Lester De +Pester</span>) being the only department that an adult +mind can dwell on and keep its self-respect. "Now +<span style="font-style: italic" class="tei tei-hi">I</span> will read you Briggs," says Doris with the air of +an indulgent parent, but settling down with great +relish to the task, "and Daddy will read you the +others."</p> + +<p class="tei tei-p">Having been stuck for over a year with "the +others" I have now reached a stage where I utilize +a sort of second sight in the reading whereby the +words are seen and pronounced without ever registering +on my brain at all. And, as I sit with Junior +impassive on my lap (just why children should so +frantically seek to have the "funnies" read to +them is a mystery, for they never by any chance +seem to derive the slightest emotional pleasure from +the recital but sit in stony silence as if they rather +<span class="tei-pb" id="page076">[pg 076]</span><a name="Pg076" id="Pg076" class="tei tei-anchor"></a>disapproved of the whole thing after all) I have +evolved a system which enables me to carry on a +little constructive thinking while reading aloud, +thereby keeping the time from being entirely +wasted. Heaven knows we get little enough opportunity +to sit down and think things out in this busy +work-a-day world, so that this little period of mental +freedom is in the nature of a godsend. Thus:</p> + +<blockquote style="margin: 2em 4em" class="tei tei-quote"> +<p class="tei tei-p"><span style="font-style: italic" class="tei tei-hi">What Is Being Read Aloud</span></p> + +<p class="tei tei-p">"Here he says 'Gee but this +is tough luck a new automobile +an' no place to go' and +the dog is saying 'It aint so +tough at that'. Then here in +the next picture the old man +says: Percy ain't in my class +as a chauffeur, he ain't as fearless +as me' and this one is +saying 'Hello there, that looks +like the old tin Lizzie that I +gave to the General last year +I guess I'll take a peek and see +what's up' 'Well what are +you doing hanging around +here, what do you think this is +a hotel?' 'Say where do you +get that stuff you ain't no +justice of the peace you know' +'Wow! Let me out let me +out, I say' 'I'll show you +biff biff wham zowie!' etc. +etc."</p> + +<p class="tei tei-p"><span style="font-style: italic" class="tei tei-hi">Concurrent Thinking</span></p> + +<p class="tei tei-p">"Here I am in the thirties +and it is high time that I made +something of myself. Is my +job as good as I deserve? By +studying nights I might fit +myself for a better position in +the foreign exchange department, +but that would mean an +outlay of money. Furthermore, +is it, on the whole, wise +to attempt to hurry the workings +of Fate? Is not perhaps +the determinist right who says +that what we are and what we +ever can be is already written +in the books, that we can not +alter the workings of Destiny +one iota? This theory is, of +course, tenable, but, on the +whole, it seems to me that if I +were to take the matter into +my own hands, etc. etc." +</p> +</blockquote> + +<p class="tei tei-p">And then, when the last pot of boiling water has +been upset over the last grandfather's back, and +Junior has slid down from your lap as near satisfied +<span class="tei-pb" id="page077">[pg 077]</span><a name="Pg077" id="Pg077" class="tei tei-anchor"></a>as he ever will be, you have ten or fifteen minutes +of constructive thinking behind you, which, if +practiced every Sunday, will make you President +of the company within a few years.<span class="tei-pb" id="page078">[pg 078]</span><a name="Pg078" id="Pg078" class="tei tei-anchor"></a></p> +</div> + +<hr class="page" /> + +<div class="tei tei-div"> +<a name="toc_27" id="toc_27"></a> +<h1 class="tei tei-head">XVI—OPERA SYNOPSES</h1> + +<h1 style="font-size: 85%" class="tei tei-head"><span style="font-style: italic" class="tei tei-hi">Some Sample Outlines of Grand Opera Plots For Home Study.</span></h1> + +<div class="tei tei-div"> +<a name="toc_28" id="toc_28"></a> +<h2 class="tei tei-head">I—DIE MEISTER-GENOSSENSCHAFT</h2> + +<p class="tei tei-p"><span style="font-variant: small-caps" class="tei tei-hi">Scene</span>: <span style="font-style: italic" class="tei tei-hi">The Forests of Germany</span>.</p> + +<p class="tei tei-p"><span style="font-variant: small-caps" class="tei tei-hi">Time</span>: <span style="font-style: italic" class="tei tei-hi">Antiquity</span>.</p> + +<p style="text-align: center" class="tei tei-p"><span style="font-variant: small-caps" class="tei tei-hi">Cast</span></p> + +<p class="tei tei-p"><span style="font-variant: small-caps" class="tei tei-hi">Strudel</span>, <span style="font-style: italic" class="tei tei-hi">God of Rain</span></p> +<p style="text-align: right" class="tei tei-p">Basso</p> + +<p class="tei tei-p"><span style="font-variant: small-caps" class="tei tei-hi">Schmalz</span>, <span style="font-style: italic" class="tei tei-hi">God of Slight Drizzle</span></p> +<p style="text-align: right" class="tei tei-p">Tenor</p> + +<p class="tei tei-p"><span style="font-variant: small-caps" class="tei tei-hi">Immerglück</span>, <span style="font-style: italic" class="tei tei-hi">Goddess of the Six Primary Colors</span></p> +<p style="text-align: right" class="tei tei-p">Soprano</p> + +<p class="tei tei-p"><span style="font-variant: small-caps" class="tei tei-hi">Ludwig Das Eiweiss</span>, <span style="font-style: italic" class="tei tei-hi">the Knight of the Iron Duck</span></p> +<p style="text-align: right" class="tei tei-p">Baritone</p> + +<p class="tei tei-p"><span style="font-variant: small-caps" class="tei tei-hi">The Woodpecker</span></p> +<p style="text-align: right" class="tei tei-p">Soprano</p> + +<p style="text-align: center" class="tei tei-p"><span style="font-variant: small-caps" class="tei tei-hi">Argument</span></p> + +<p class="tei tei-p">The basis of "Die Meister-Genossenschaft" is +an old legend of Germany which tells how the +Whale got his Stomach.<span class="tei-pb" id="page079">[pg 079]</span><a name="Pg079" id="Pg079" class="tei tei-anchor"></a></p> + +<div class="tei tei-div"> +<h3 class="tei tei-head">ACT I</h3> + +<p class="tei tei-p"><span style="font-style: italic" class="tei tei-hi">The Rhine at Low Tide Just Below Weldschnoffen.</span>—Immerglück +has grown weary of always +sitting on the same rock with the same fishes swimming +by every day, and sends for Schwül to suggest +something to do. Schwül asks her how she would +like to have pass before her all the wonders of +the world fashioned by the hand of man. She says, +rotten. He then suggests that Ringblattz, son of +Pflucht, be made to appear before her and fight a +mortal combat with the Iron Duck. This pleases +Immerglück and she summons to her the four +dwarfs: Hot Water, Cold Water, Cool, and Cloudy. +She bids them bring Ringblattz to her. They refuse, +because Pflucht has at one time rescued them +from being buried alive by acorns, and, in a rage, +Immerglück strikes them all dead with a thunderbolt.</p> +</div> + +<div class="tei tei-div"> +<h3 class="tei tei-head">ACT 2</h3> + +<p class="tei tei-p"><span style="font-style: italic" class="tei tei-hi">A Mountain Pass</span>.—Repenting of her deed, +Immerglück has sought advice of the giants, Offen +and Besitz, and they tell her that she must procure +the magic zither which confers upon its owner the +power to go to sleep while apparently carrying on +a conversation. This magic zither has been hidden +for three hundred centuries in an old bureau drawer, +<span class="tei-pb" id="page080">[pg 080]</span><a name="Pg080" id="Pg080" class="tei tei-anchor"></a>guarded by the Iron Duck, and, although many +have attempted to rescue it, all have died of a +strange ailment just as success was within their +grasp.</p> + +<p class="tei tei-p">But Immerglück calls to her side Dampfboot, the +tinsmith of the gods, and bids him make for her +a tarnhelm or invisible cap which will enable her +to talk to people without their understanding a word +she says. For a dollar and a half extra Dampfboot +throws in a magic ring which renders its wearer +insensible. Thus armed, Immerglück starts out for +Walhalla, humming to herself.</p> +</div> + +<div class="tei tei-div"> +<h3 class="tei tei-head">ACT 3</h3> + +<p class="tei tei-p"><span style="font-style: italic" class="tei tei-hi">The Forest Before the Iron Duck's Bureau +Drawer</span>.—Merglitz, who has up till this time held +his peace, now descends from a balloon and demands +the release of Betty. It has been the will of Wotan +that Merglitz and Betty should meet on earth and +hate each other like poison, but Zweiback, the druggist +of the gods, has disobeyed and concocted a +love-potion which has rendered the young couple +very unpleasant company. Wotan, enraged, destroys +them with a protracted heat spell.</p> + +<p class="tei tei-p">Encouraged by this sudden turn of affairs, Immerglück +comes to earth in a boat drawn by four white +<span class="tei-pb" id="page081">[pg 081]</span><a name="Pg081" id="Pg081" class="tei tei-anchor"></a>Holsteins, and, seated alone on a rock, remembers +aloud to herself the days when she was a girl. Pilgrims +from Augenblick, on their way to worship at +the shrine of Schmürr, hear the sound of reminiscence +coming from the rock and stop in their +march to sing a hymn of praise for the drying up +of the crops. They do not recognize Immerglück, +as she has her hair done differently, and think that +she is a beggar girl selling pencils.</p> + +<p class="tei tei-p">In the meantime, Ragel, the papercutter of the +gods, has fashioned himself a sword on the forge +of Schmalz, and has called the weapon "Assistance-in-Emergency." +Armed with "Assistance-in-Emergency" +he comes to earth, determined to slay the +Iron Duck and carry off the beautiful Irma.</p> + +<p class="tei tei-p">But Frimsel overhears the plan and has a drink +brewed which is given to Ragel in a golden goblet +and which, when drunk, makes him forget his past +and causes him to believe that he is Schnorr, the +God of Fun. While laboring under this spell, +Ragel has a funeral pyre built on the summit of a +high mountain and, after lighting it, climbs on top +of it with a mandolin which he plays until he is +consumed.</p> + +<p class="tei tei-p">Immerglück never marries.<span class="tei-pb" id="page082">[pg 082]</span><a name="Pg082" id="Pg082" class="tei tei-anchor"></a></p> +</div> +</div> + +<hr class="page" /> + +<div class="tei tei-div"> +<a name="toc_29" id="toc_29"></a> +<h2 class="tei tei-head">II—IL MINNESTRONE</h2> +<h2 style="font-size: 85%" class="tei tei-head">(PEASANT LOVE)</h2> + +<p class="tei tei-p"><span style="font-variant: small-caps" class="tei tei-hi">Scene</span>: <span style="font-style: italic" class="tei tei-hi">Venice and Old Point Comfort.</span></p> + +<p class="tei tei-p"><span style="font-variant: small-caps" class="tei tei-hi">Time</span>: <span style="font-style: italic" class="tei tei-hi">Early 16th Century.</span></p> + +<p style="text-align: center" class="tei tei-p"><span style="font-variant: small-caps" class="tei tei-hi">Cast</span></p> + +<p class="tei tei-p"><span style="font-variant: small-caps" class="tei tei-hi">Alfonso</span>, <span style="font-style: italic" class="tei tei-hi">Duke of Minnestrone</span></p> +<p style="text-align: right" class="tei tei-p">Baritone</p> + +<p class="tei tei-p"><span style="font-variant: small-caps" class="tei tei-hi">Partola</span>, <span style="font-style: italic" class="tei tei-hi">a Peasant Girl</span> </p> +<p style="text-align: right" class="tei tei-p">Soprano</p> + +<p class="tei tei-p"><span style="font-variant: small-caps" class="tei tei-hi">Cleanso</span> <span style="font-style: italic" class="tei tei-hi">Young Noblemen of Venice</span>.</p> +<p style="text-align: right" class="tei tei-p">Tenor</p> + +<p class="tei tei-p"><span style="font-variant: small-caps" class="tei tei-hi">Turino</span> <span style="font-style: italic" class="tei tei-hi">Young Noblemen of Venice</span>.</p> +<p style="text-align: right" class="tei tei-p">Tenor</p> + +<p class="tei tei-p"><span style="font-variant: small-caps" class="tei tei-hi">Bombo</span> <span style="font-style: italic" class="tei tei-hi">Young Noblemen of Venice</span>.</p> +<p style="text-align: right" class="tei tei-p">Basso</p> + +<p class="tei tei-p"><span style="font-variant: small-caps" class="tei tei-hi">Ludovico</span> <span style="font-style: italic" class="tei tei-hi">Assassins in the service of Cafeteria Rusticana</span></p> +<p style="text-align: right" class="tei tei-p">Basso</p> + +<p class="tei tei-p"><span style="font-variant: small-caps" class="tei tei-hi">Astolfo</span> <span style="font-style: italic" class="tei tei-hi">Assassins in the service of Cafeteria Rusticana</span></p> +<p style="text-align: right" class="tei tei-p">Methodist</p> + +<p class="tei tei-p"><span style="font-style: italic" class="tei tei-hi">Townspeople, Cabbies and Sparrows</span></p> + +<p style="text-align: center" class="tei tei-p"><span style="font-variant: small-caps" class="tei tei-hi">Argument</span></p> + +<p class="tei tei-p">"Il Minnestrone" is an allegory of the two sides +of a man's nature (good and bad), ending at last +in an awfully comical mess with everyone dead.</p> + +<div class="tei tei-div"> +<h3 class="tei tei-head">ACT I</h3> + +<p class="tei tei-p"><span style="font-style: italic" class="tei tei-hi">A Public Square, Ferrara.</span>—During a peasant +festival held to celebrate the sixth consecutive day +of rain, Rudolpho, a young nobleman, sees Lilliano, +<span class="tei-pb" id="page083">[pg 083]</span><a name="Pg083" id="Pg083" class="tei tei-anchor"></a>daughter of the village bell-ringer, dancing along +throwing artificial roses at herself. He asks of his +secretary who the young woman is, and his secretary, +in order to confuse Rudolpho and thereby +win the hand of his ward, tells him that it is his +(Rudolpho's) own mother, disguised for the festival. +Rudolpho is astounded. He orders her +arrest.</p> +</div> + +<div class="tei tei-div"> +<h3 class="tei tei-head">ACT 2</h3> + +<p class="tei tei-p"><span style="font-style: italic" class="tei tei-hi">Banquet Hall in Gorgio's Palace.</span>—Lilliano has +not forgotten Breda, her old nurse, in spite of her +troubles, and determines to avenge herself for the +many insults she received in her youth by poisoning +her (Breda). She therefore invites the old nurse +to a banquet and poisons her. Presently a knock is +heard. It is Ugolfo. He has come to carry away +the body of Michelo and to leave an extra quart +of pasteurized. Lilliano tells him that she no +longer loves him, at which he goes away, dragging +his feet sulkily.</p> +</div> + +<div class="tei tei-div"> +<h3 class="tei tei-head">ACT 3</h3> + +<p class="tei tei-p"><span style="font-style: italic" class="tei tei-hi">In Front of Emilo's House.</span>—Still thinking of the +old man's curse, Borsa has an interview with +Cleanso, believing him to be the Duke's wife. He +tells him things can't go on as they are, and Cleanso +stabs him. Just at this moment Betty comes rushing +<span class="tei-pb" id="page084">[pg 084]</span><a name="Pg084" id="Pg084" class="tei tei-anchor"></a>in from school and falls in a faint. Her worst +fears have been realized. She has been insulted by +Sigmundo, and presently dies of old age. In a +fury, Ugolfo rushes out to kill Sigmundo and, as he +does so, the dying Rosenblatt rises on one elbow +and curses his mother.</p> +</div> +</div> + +<hr class="page" /> + +<div class="tei tei-div"> +<a name="toc_30" id="toc_30"></a> +<h2 class="tei tei-head">III—LUCY DE LIMA</h2> + +<p class="tei tei-p"><span style="font-variant: small-caps" class="tei tei-hi">Scene</span>: <span style="font-style: italic" class="tei tei-hi">Wales</span>.</p> + +<p class="tei tei-p"><span style="font-variant: small-caps" class="tei tei-hi">Time</span>: <span style="font-style: italic" class="tei tei-hi">1700 (Greenwich)</span>.</p> + +<p style="text-align: center" class="tei tei-p"><span style="font-variant: small-caps" class="tei tei-hi">Cast</span></p> + +<p class="tei tei-p"><span style="font-variant: small-caps" class="tei tei-hi">William Wont</span>, <span style="font-style: italic" class="tei tei-hi">Lord of Glennnn</span></p> +<p style="text-align: right" class="tei tei-p">Basso</p> + +<p class="tei tei-p"><span style="font-variant: small-caps" class="tei tei-hi">Lucy Wagstaff</span>, <span style="font-style: italic" class="tei tei-hi">his daughter</span></p> +<p style="text-align: right" class="tei tei-p">Soprano</p> + +<p class="tei tei-p"><span style="font-variant: small-caps" class="tei tei-hi">Bertram</span>, <span style="font-style: italic" class="tei tei-hi">her lover</span></p> +<p style="text-align: right" class="tei tei-p">Tenor</p> + +<p class="tei tei-p"><span style="font-variant: small-caps" class="tei tei-hi">Lord Roger</span>, <span style="font-style: italic" class="tei tei-hi">friend of Bertram</span>.</p> +<p style="text-align: right" class="tei tei-p">Soprano</p> + +<p class="tei tei-p"><span style="font-variant: small-caps" class="tei tei-hi">Irma</span>, <span style="font-style: italic" class="tei tei-hi">attendant to Lucy</span></p> +<p style="text-align: right" class="tei tei-p">Basso</p> + +<p class="tei tei-p"><span style="font-style: italic" class="tei tei-hi">Friends, Retainers and Members of the local +Lodge of Elks.</span></p> + +<p style="text-align: center" class="tei tei-p"><span style="font-variant: small-caps" class="tei tei-hi">Argument</span></p> + +<p class="tei tei-p">"Lucy de Lima," is founded on the well-known +story by Boccaccio of the same name and address.<span class="tei-pb" id="page085">[pg 085]</span><a name="Pg085" id="Pg085" class="tei tei-anchor"></a></p> + +<div class="tei tei-div"> +<h3 class="tei tei-head">ACT I</h3> + +<p class="tei tei-p"><span style="font-style: italic" class="tei tei-hi">Gypsy Camp Near Waterbury.</span>—The gypsies, +led by Edith, go singing through the camp on the +way to the fair. Following them comes Despard, +the gypsy leader, carrying Ethel, whom he has just +kidnapped from her father, who had previously just +kidnapped her from her mother. Despard places +Ethel on the ground and tells Mona, the old hag, +to watch over her. Mona nurses a secret grudge +against Despard for having once cut off her leg and +decides to change Ethel for Nettie, another kidnapped +child. Ethel pleads with Mona to let her +stay with Despard, for she has fallen in love with +him on the ride over. But Mona is obdurate.</p> +</div> + +<div class="tei tei-div"> +<h3 class="tei tei-head">ACT 2</h3> + +<p class="tei tei-p"><span style="font-style: italic" class="tei tei-hi">The Fair.</span>—A crowd of sightseers and villagers +is present. Roger appears, looking for Laura. He +can not find her. Laura appears, looking for +Roger. She can not find him. The gypsy queen +approaches Roger and thrusts into his hand the +locket stolen from Lord Brym. Roger looks at it +and is frozen with astonishment, for it contains the +portrait of his mother when she was in high school. +He then realizes that Laura must be his sister, and +starts out to find her.<span class="tei-pb" id="page086">[pg 086]</span><a name="Pg086" id="Pg086" class="tei tei-anchor"></a></p> +</div> + +<div class="tei tei-div"> +<h3 class="tei tei-head">ACT 3</h3> + +<p class="tei tei-p"><span style="font-style: italic" class="tei tei-hi">Hall in the Castle.</span>—Lucy is seen surrounded by +every luxury, but her heart is sad. She has just been +shown a forged letter from Stewart saying that he +no longer loves her, and she remembers her old free +life in the mountains and longs for another romp +with Ravensbane and Wolfshead, her old pair of +rompers. The guests begin to assemble for the +wedding, each bringing a roast ox. They chide +Lucy for not having her dress changed. Just at +this moment the gypsy band bursts in and Cleon +tells the wedding party that Elsie and not Edith +is the child who was stolen from the summer-house, +showing the blood-stained derby as proof. At this, +Lord Brym repents and gives his blessing on the +pair, while the fishermen and their wives celebrate +in the courtyard.<span class="tei-pb" id="page087">[pg 087]</span><a name="Pg087" id="Pg087" class="tei tei-anchor"></a></p> +</div> +</div> +</div> + +<hr class="page" /> + +<div class="tei tei-div"> +<a name="toc_31" id="toc_31"></a> +<h1 class="tei tei-head">XVII—THE YOUNG IDEA'S SHOOTING GALLERY</h1> + +<p class="tei tei-p">Since we were determined to have Junior educated +according to modern methods of child +training, a year and a half did not seem too +early an age at which to begin. As Doris said: +"There is no reason why a child of a year and a +half shouldn't have rudimentary cravings for self-expression." +And really, there isn't any reason, +when you come right down to it.</p> + +<p class="tei tei-p">Doris had been reading books on the subject, and +had been talking with Mrs. Deemster. Most of +the trouble in our town can be traced back to someone's +having been talking with Mrs. Deemster. +Mrs. Deemster brings an evangelical note into the +simplest social conversations, so that by the time +your wife is through the second piece of cinnamon +toast she is convinced that all children should have +their knee-pants removed before they are four, or +that you should hire four servants a day on three-hour +shifts, or that, as in the present case, no child +should be sent to a regular school until he has +<span class="tei-pb" id="page088">[pg 088]</span><a name="Pg088" id="Pg088" class="tei tei-anchor"></a>determined for himself what his profession is going +to be and then should be sent straight from the home +to Johns Hopkins or the Sorbonne.</p> + +<p class="tei tei-p">Junior was to be left entirely to himself, the +theory being that he would find self-expression in +some form or other, and that by watching him carefully +it could be determined just what should be +developed in him, or, rather, just what he should be +allowed to develop in himself. He was not to be +corrected in any way, or guided, and he was to call +us "Doris" and "Monty" instead of "Mother" +and "Father." We were to be just pals, nothing +more. Otherwise, his individuality would become +submerged. I was, however, to be allowed to pay +what few bills he might incur until he should find +himself.</p> + +<p class="tei tei-p">The first month that Junior was "on his own," +striving for self-expression, he spent practically +every waking hour of each day in picking the mortar +out from between the bricks in the fire-place and +eating it.</p> + +<p class="tei tei-p">"Don't you think you ought to suggest to him +that nobody who really <span style="font-style: italic" class="tei tei-hi">is</span> anybody eats mortar?" +I said.</p> + +<p class="tei tei-p">"I don't like to interfere," replied Doris. "I'm +trying to figure out what it may mean. He may +have the makings of a sculptor in him." But one +<span class="tei-pb" id="page089">[pg 089]</span><a name="Pg089" id="Pg089" class="tei tei-anchor"></a>could see that she was a little worried, so I didn't +say the cheap and obvious thing, that at any rate +he had the makings of a sculpture in him or would +have in a few more days of self-expression.</p> + +<p class="tei tei-p">Soft putty was put at his disposal, in case he +might feel like doing a little modeling. We didn't +expect much of him at first, of course; maybe just +a panther or a little General Sherman; but if that +was to be his <span style="font-style: italic" class="tei tei-hi">métier</span> we weren't going to have it said +that his career was nipped in the bud for the lack of +a little putty.</p> + +<p class="tei tei-p"></p> + +<p class="tei tei-p">The first thing that he did was to stop up the +keyhole in the bath-room door while I was in the +tub, so that I had to crawl out on the piazza roof +and into the guest-room window. It did seem as if +there might be some way of preventing a recurrence +of that sort of thing without submerging his individuality +too much. But Doris said no. If he were +disciplined now, he would grow up nursing a complex +against putty and against me and might even try +to marry Aunt Marian. She had read of a little boy +who had been punished by his father for putting +soap on the cellar stairs, and from that time on, all +the rest of his life, every time he saw soap he went +to bed and dreamed that he was riding in the cab +of a runaway engine dressed as Perriot, which meant, +<span class="tei-pb" id="page090">[pg 090]</span><a name="Pg090" id="Pg090" class="tei tei-anchor"></a>of course, that he had a suppressed desire to kill his +father.</p> + +<p class="tei tei-p"></p> + +<p class="tei tei-p">It almost seemed, however, as if the risk were +worth taking if Junior could be shown the fundamentally +anti-social nature of an act like stuffing +keyholes with putty, but nothing was done about it +except to take the putty supply away for that day.</p> + +<p class="tei tei-p"></p> + +<p class="tei tei-p">The chief trouble came, however, in Junior's +contacts with other neighborhood children whose +parents had not seen the light. When Junior +would lead a movement among the young bloods +to pull up the Hemmings' nasturtiums or would +show flashes of personality by hitting little Leda +Hemming over the forehead with a trowel, Mrs. +Hemming could never be made to see that to +reprimand Junior would be to crush out his God-given +individuality. All she would say was, "Just +look at those nasturtiums!" over and over again. +And the Hemming children were given to understand +that it would be all right if they didn't play +with Junior quite so much.</p> + +<p style="text-align: center" class="tei tei-p"><a name="image07" id="image07" class="tei tei-anchor"></a> +<img src="images/image07.png" alt="Mrs. Deemster didn't enter into the spirit of the thing at all." class="tei tei-figure" /></p> +<p style="text-align: center" class="tei tei-p">Mrs. Deemster didn't enter into the spirit of the thing at all.</p> + +<p class="tei tei-p">This morning, however, the thing solved itself. +While expressing himself in putty in the nursery, +Junior succeeded in making a really excellent lifemask +of Mrs. Deemster's fourteen-months-old little +<span class="tei-pb" id="page091">[pg 091]</span><a name="Pg091" id="Pg091" class="tei tei-anchor"></a>girl who had come over to spend the morning with +him. She had a little difficulty in breathing, but it +really was a fine mask. Mrs. Deemster, however, +didn't enter into the spirit of the thing at all, and +after excavating her little girl, took Doris aside. +It was decided that Junior is perhaps too young to +start in on his career unguided.</p> + +<p class="tei tei-p">That is Junior that you can hear now, I think.<span class="tei-pb" id="page092">[pg 092]</span><a name="Pg092" id="Pg092" class="tei tei-anchor"></a></p> +</div> + +<hr class="page" /> + +<div class="tei tei-div"> +<a name="toc_32" id="toc_32"></a> +<h1 class="tei tei-head">XVIII—POLYP WITH A PAST</h1> + +<h1 style="font-size: 85%" class="tei tei-head"><span style="font-variant: small-caps" class="tei tei-hi">The Story Of An Organism With A Heart</span></h1> + +<p class="tei tei-p">Of all forms of animal life, the polyp is probably +the most neglected by fanciers. People +seem willing to pay attention to anything, cats, +lizards, canaries, or even fish, but simply because +the polyp is reserved by nature and not given to +showing off or wearing its heart on its sleeve, it is +left alone under the sea to slave away at coral-building +with never a kind word or a pat on the +tentacles from anybody.</p> + +<p class="tei tei-p">It was quite by accident that I was brought face +to face with the human side of a polyp. I had +been working on a thesis on "Emotional Crises in +Sponge Life," and came upon a polyp formation on +a piece of coral in the course of my laboratory work. +To say that I was astounded would be putting it +mildly. I was surprised.</p> + +<p class="tei tei-p">The difficulty in research work in this field came +in isolating a single polyp from the rest in order +to study the personal peculiarities of the little organism, +for, as is so often the case (even, I fear, with +<span class="tei-pb" id="page093">[pg 093]</span><a name="Pg093" id="Pg093" class="tei tei-anchor"></a>us great big humans sometimes), the individual +behaves in an entirely different manner in private +from the one he adopts when there is a crowd around. +And a polyp, among all creatures, has a minimum of +time to himself in which to sit down and think. +There is always a crowd of other polyps dropping +in on him, urging him to make a fourth in a string +of coral beads or just to come out and stick around +on a rock for the sake of good-fellowship.</p> + +<p class="tei tei-p">The one which I finally succeeded in isolating +was an engaging organism with a provocative manner +and a little way of wrinkling up its ectoderm which +put you at once at your ease. There could be no +formality about your relations with this polyp five +minutes after your first meeting. You were just +like one great big family.</p> + +<p class="tei tei-p">Although I have no desire to retail gossip, I think +that readers of this treatise ought to be made aware +of the fact (if, indeed, they do not already know +it) that a polyp is really neither one thing nor +another in matters of gender. One day it may be +a little boy polyp, another day a little girl, according +to its whim or practical considerations of policy. +On gray days, when everything seems to be going +wrong, it may decide that it will be neither boy nor +girl but will just drift. I think that if we big +human cousins of the little polyp were to follow +<span class="tei-pb" id="page094">[pg 094]</span><a name="Pg094" id="Pg094" class="tei tei-anchor"></a>the example set by these lowliest of God's creatures +in this matter, we all would find, ourselves much +better off in the end. Am I not right, little polyp?</p> + +<p class="tei tei-p">What was my surprise, then, to discover my little +friend one day in a gloomy and morose mood. It +refused the peanut-butter which I had brought it +and I observed through the microscope that it was +shaking with sobs. Lifting it up with a pair of +pincers I took it over to the window to let it watch +the automobiles go by, a diversion which had, in the +past, never failed to amuse. But I could see that +it was not interested. A tune from the victrola fell +equally flat, even though I set my little charge on +the center of the disc and allowed it to revolve at +a dizzy pace, which frolic usually sent it into spasms +of excited giggling. Something was wrong. It was +under emotional stress of the most racking kind.</p> + +<p class="tei tei-p">I consulted Klunzinger's "Die Korallenthiere des +Rothen Meeres" and there found that at an early +age the polyp is quite likely to become the victim +of a sentimental passion which is directed at its +own self.</p> + +<p class="tei tei-p">In other words, my tiny companion was in love +with itself, bitterly, desperately, head-over-heels in +love.</p> + +<p class="tei tei-p">In an attempt to divert it from this madness, I +took it on an extended tour of the Continent, visiting +<span class="tei-pb" id="page095">[pg 095]</span><a name="Pg095" id="Pg095" class="tei tei-anchor"></a>all the old cathedrals and stopping at none but the +best hotels. The malady grew worse, instead of +better. I thought that perhaps the warm sun of +Granada would bring the color back into those pale +tentacles, but there the inevitable romance in the +soft air was only fuel to the flame, and, in the +shadow of the Alhambra, my little polyp gave up +the fight and died of a broken heart without ever +having declared its love to itself.</p> + +<p class="tei tei-p">I returned to America shortly after not a little +chastened by what I had witnessed of Nature's wonders +in the realm of passion.<span class="tei-pb" id="page096">[pg 096]</span><a name="Pg096" id="Pg096" class="tei tei-anchor"></a></p> +</div> + +<hr class="page" /> + +<div class="tei tei-div"> +<a name="toc_33" id="toc_33"></a> +<h1 class="tei tei-head">XIX—HOLT! WHO GOES THERE?</h1> + +<p class="tei tei-p">The reliance of young mothers on Dr. Emmett +Holt's "The Care and Feeding of Children," +has become a national custom. Especially during +the early infancy of the first baby does the +son rise and set by what "Holt says." But there +are several questions which come to mind which +are not included in the handy questionnaire +arranged by the noted child-specialist, and as he is +probably too busy to answer them himself, we have +compiled an appendix which he may incorporate in +the next edition of his book, if he cares to. Of +course, if he doesn't care to it isn't compulsory.</p> + +<div class="tei tei-div"> +<a name="toc_34" id="toc_34"></a> +<h2 class="tei tei-head">BATHING</h2> + +<p class="tei tei-p"><span style="font-style: italic" class="tei tei-hi">What should the parent wear while bathing the child?</span></p> + +<p class="tei tei-p">A rubber loin-cloth will usually be sufficient, with +perhaps a pair of elbow-guards and anti-skid gloves. +A bath should never be given a child until at least +<span class="tei-pb" id="page097">[pg 097]</span><a name="Pg097" id="Pg097" class="tei tei-anchor"></a>one hour after eating (that is, after the parent has +eaten).</p> + +<p class="tei tei-p"><span style="font-style: italic" class="tei tei-hi">What are the objections to face-cloths as a means +of bathing children?</span></p> + +<p class="tei tei-p">They are too easily swallowed, and after six or +seven wet face-cloths have been swallowed, the child +is likely to become heavy and lethargic.</p> + +<p class="tei tei-p"><span style="font-style: italic" class="tei tei-hi">Under what circumstances should the daily tub-bath +be omitted?</span></p> + +<p class="tei tei-p">Almost any excuse will do. The bath-room may +be too cold, or too hot, or the child may be too +sleepy or too wide-awake, or the parent may have +lame knees or lead poisoning. And anyway, the +child had a good bath yesterday.</p> +</div> + +<div class="tei tei-div"> +<a name="toc_35" id="toc_35"></a> +<h2 class="tei tei-head">CLOTHING</h2> + +<p class="tei tei-p"><span style="font-style: italic" class="tei tei-hi">How should the infant be held during dressing and +undressing?</span></p> + +<p class="tei tei-p">Any carpenter will be glad to sell you a vise which +can be attached to the edge of the table. Place the +infant in the vise and turn the screw until there is +a slight redness under the pressure. Be careful not +to turn it too tight or the child will resent it; but on +the other hand, care should be taken not to leave it +too loose, otherwise the child will be continually +<span class="tei-pb" id="page098">[pg 098]</span><a name="Pg098" id="Pg098" class="tei tei-anchor"></a>falling out on the floor, and you will never get it +dressed that way.</p> + +<p class="tei tei-p"><span style="font-style: italic" class="tei tei-hi">What are the most important items in the baby's +clothing?</span></p> + +<p class="tei tei-p">The safety-pins which are in the bureau in the +next room.</p> +</div> + +<div class="tei tei-div"> +<a name="toc_36" id="toc_36"></a> +<h2 class="tei tei-head">WEIGHT</h2> + +<p class="tei tei-p"><span style="font-style: italic" class="tei tei-hi">How should a child be weighed?</span></p> + +<p class="tei tei-p">Place the child in the scales. The father should +then sit on top of the child to hold him down. Weigh +father and child together. Then deduct the father's +weight from the gross tonnage, and the weight of +the child is the result.</p> +</div> + +<div class="tei tei-div"> +<a name="toc_37" id="toc_37"></a> +<h2 class="tei tei-head">FRESH AIR</h2> + +<p class="tei tei-p"><span style="font-style: italic" class="tei tei-hi">What are the objections to an infant's sleeping out-of-doors?</span></p> + +<p class="tei tei-p">Sleeping out-of-doors in the city is all right, but +children sleeping out of doors in the country are +likely to be kissed by wandering cows and things. +This should never be permitted under any circumstances.</p> +</div> + +<div class="tei tei-div"> +<a name="toc_38" id="toc_38"></a> +<h2 class="tei tei-head">DEVELOPMENT</h2> + +<p class="tei tei-p"><span style="font-style: italic" class="tei tei-hi">When does the infant first laugh aloud?</span></p> + +<p class="tei tei-p">When father tries to pin it up for the first time.<span class="tei-pb" id="page099">[pg 099]</span><a name="Pg099" id="Pg099" class="tei tei-anchor"></a></p> + +<p class="tei tei-p"><span style="font-style: italic" class="tei tei-hi">If at two years the child makes no attempt to talk, +what should be suspected?</span></p> + +<p class="tei tei-p">That it hasn't yet seen anyone worth talking to.</p> +</div> + +<div class="tei tei-div"> +<a name="toc_39" id="toc_39"></a> +<h2 class="tei tei-head">FEEDING</h2> + +<p class="tei tei-p"><span style="font-style: italic" class="tei tei-hi">What should not be fed to a child?</span></p> + +<p class="tei tei-p">Ripe olives.</p> + +<p class="tei tei-p"><span style="font-style: italic" class="tei tei-hi">How do we know how much food a healthy child needs?</span></p> + +<p class="tei tei-p">By listening carefully.</p> + +<p class="tei tei-p"><span style="font-style: italic" class="tei tei-hi">Which parent should go and get the child's early +morning bottle?</span></p> + +<p class="tei tei-p">The one least able to feign sleep.<span class="tei-pb" id="page100">[pg 100]</span><a name="Pg100" id="Pg100" class="tei tei-anchor"></a></p> +</div> +</div> + +<hr class="page" /> + +<div class="tei tei-div"> +<a name="toc_40" id="toc_40"></a> +<h1 class="tei tei-head">XX—THE COMMITTEE ON THE WHOLE</h1> + +<p class="tei tei-p">A new plan has just been submitted for running +the railroads. That makes one hundred +and eleven.</p> + +<p class="tei tei-p">The present suggestion involves the services of +some sixteen committees. Now presumably the +idea is to get the roses back into the cheeks of the +railroads, so that they will go running about from +place to place again and perhaps make a little +money on pleasant Saturdays and Sundays. But if +these proposed committees are anything like other +committees which we have had to do with, the following +will be a fair example of how our railroads +will be run.</p> + +<p class="tei tei-p">The sub-committee on the Punching of Rebate +Slips will have a meeting called for five o'clock in +the private grill room at the Pan-American Building. +Postcards will have been sent out the day before +by the Secretary, saying: "Please try to be +present as there are several important matters to be +brought up." This will so pique the curiosity of +the members that they will hardly be able to wait +<span class="tei-pb" id="page101">[pg 101]</span><a name="Pg101" id="Pg101" class="tei tei-anchor"></a>until five o'clock. One will come at four o'clock by +mistake and, after steaming up and down the corridor +for half an hour, will go home and send in his +resignation.</p> + +<p class="tei tei-p">At 5:10 the Secretary will bustle in with a briefcase +and a map showing the weather areas over the +entire United States for the preceding year. He will +be very warm from hurrying.</p> + +<p class="tei tei-p">At 5:15 two members of the committee will stroll +in, one of them saying to the other: "—so the +Irishman turns to the Jew and says: 'Well, I knew +your father before that!' Aha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha! 'I +knew your father before that!'"</p> + +<p class="tei tei-p">They will then seat themselves at one end of the +committee-table, just as another member comes +hurrying in. Time 5:21.</p> + +<p class="tei tei-p">One of the story-tellers being the Chairman, he +will pound half-heartedly on the table and say: "As +some of us have to get away early, I think that +we had better begin now, although Mr. Entwhistle +and Dr. Pearly are not here."</p> + +<p class="tei tei-p">"I met Dr. Pearly last night at the Vegetarian +Club dinner," says one of the members, "and he +said that he might be a little late today but that he +would surely come."</p> + +<p class="tei tei-p">"His wife has just had a very delicate throat +operation, I understand," offers a committeeman +<span class="tei-pb" id="page102">[pg 102]</span><a name="Pg102" id="Pg102" class="tei tei-anchor"></a>who is drawing concentric circles on his pad of +paper.</p> + +<p class="tei tei-p">"Bad weather for throat operations," says the +Secretary.</p> + +<p class="tei tei-p">"That's right," says the Chairman, looking +through a pile of papers for one which he has left +at home. "But let's get down to business. At the +last meeting the question arose as to whether or +not it was advisable to continue having conductors +punch the little hole at the bottom of rebate slips. +As you know, the slip says, 'Not redeemable if +punched here.' Now, someone brought up the point +that it seems silly to give out a rebate slip at all if +there isn't going to be any rebate on it. A sub-committee +was appointed to go into the matter, and +I would like to ask Mr. Twing, the chairman, what +he has to report."</p> + +<p class="tei tei-p">Mr. Twing will clear his throat and start to +speak, but will make only an abortive sound. He +will then clear his throat again.</p> + +<p class="tei tei-p">"Mr. Chairman, the other members of the sub-committee +and myself were unable to get exactly the +data on this that we wanted and I delegated Mr. +Entwhistle to dig up something which he said he +had read recently in the files of the <span style="font-style: italic" class="tei tei-hi">Scientific American.</span> +But Mr. Entwhistle doesn't seem to be here +today, and so I am unable to report his findings. +<span class="tei-pb" id="page103">[pg 103]</span><a name="Pg103" id="Pg103" class="tei tei-anchor"></a>It was, however, the sense of the meeting that the +conductors should not."</p> + +<p style="text-align: center" class="tei tei-p"><a name="image08" id="image08" class="tei tei-anchor"></a> +<img src="images/image08.png" alt=""That's right," says the chairman." class="tei tei-figure" /></p> +<p style="text-align: center" class="tei tei-p">"That's right," says the chairman.</p> + +<p class="tei tei-p">"Should not what?" inquires Dr. Pearly, who +has just sneaked in, knocking three hats to the floor +while hanging up his coat.</p> + +<p class="tei tei-p">Dr. Pearly is never answered, for the Chairman +looks at his watch and says: "I'm very sorry, gentlemen, +but I have an appointment at 5:45 and +must be going. Supposing I appoint a sub-committee +consisting of Dr. Pearly, Mr. Twing and Mr. +Berry, to find Mr. Entwhistle and see what he +dug out of the files of the <span style="font-style: italic" class="tei tei-hi">Scientific American.</span> +Then, at the next meeting we can have a report +from both sub-committees and will also hear from +Professor McKlicktric, who has just returned from +Panama.... A motion to adjourn is now in order. +Do I hear such a motion?"</p> + +<p class="tei tei-p">After listening carefully, he hears it, and the railroads +run themselves for another week.<span class="tei-pb" id="page104">[pg 104]</span><a name="Pg104" id="Pg104" class="tei tei-anchor"></a></p> +</div> + +<hr class="page" /> + +<div class="tei tei-div"> +<a name="toc_41" id="toc_41"></a> +<h1 class="tei tei-head">XXI—NOTING AN INCREASE IN BIGAMY</h1> + +<p class="tei tei-p">Either more men are marrying more wives +than ever before, or they are getting more +careless about it. During the past week bigamy +has crowded baseball out of the papers, and while +this may be due in part to the fact that it was a +cold, rainy week and little baseball could be played, +yet there is a tendency to be noted there somewhere. +All those wishing to note a tendency will +continue on into the next paragraph.</p> + +<p class="tei tei-p">There is, of course, nothing new in bigamy. Anyone +who goes in for it with the idea of originating +a new fad which shall be known by his name, like +the daguerreotype or potatoes O'Brien, will have to +reckon with the priority claims of several hundred +generations of historical characters, most of them +wearing brown beards. Just why beards and +bigamy seem to have gone hand in hand through +the ages is a matter for the professional humorists +to determine. We certainly haven't got time to do it +here.</p> + +<p class="tei tei-p">But the multiple-marriages unearthed during the +<span class="tei-pb" id="page105">[pg 105]</span><a name="Pg105" id="Pg105" class="tei tei-anchor"></a>past week have a certain homey flavor lacking in +some of those which have gone before. For instance, +the man in New Jersey who had two wives +living right with him all of the time in the same +apartment. No need for subterfuge here, no deceiving +one about the other. It was just a matter +of walking back and forth between the dining-room +and the study. This is, of course, bigamy under +ideal conditions.</p> + +<p class="tei tei-p">But in tracing a tendency like this, we must not +deal so much with concrete cases as with drifts and +curves. A couple of statistics are also necessary, +especially if it is an alarming tendency that is being +traced. The statistics follow, in alphabetical +order:</p> + +<p class="tei tei-p">In the United States during the years 1918-1919 +there were 4,956,673 weddings. 2,485,845 of these +were church weddings, strongly against the wishes +of the bridegrooms concerned. In these weddings +10,489,392 silver olive-forks were received as gifts.</p> + +<p class="tei tei-p">Starting with these figures as a basis, we turn to +the report of the Pennsylvania State Committee on +Outdoor Gymnastics for the year beginning January +4th, 1920, and ending a year later.</p> + +<p class="tei tei-p">This report being pretty fairly uninteresting, we +leave it and turn to another report, which covers +the manufacture and sale of rugs. This has a +<span class="tei-pb" id="page106">[pg 106]</span><a name="Pg106" id="Pg106" class="tei tei-anchor"></a>picture of a rug in it, and a darned good likeness +it is, too.</p> + +<p class="tei tei-p">In this rug report we find that it takes a Navajo +Indian only eleven days to weave a rug 12 x 5, with +a swastika design in the middle. Eleven days. It +seems incredible. Why, it takes only 365 days to +make a year!</p> + +<p class="tei tei-p">Now, having seen that there are 73,000 men and +women in this country today who can neither read +nor write, and that of these only 4%, or a little over +half, are colored, what are we to conclude? What +is to be the effect on our national morale? Who +is to pay this gigantic bill for naval armament?</p> + +<p class="tei tei-p">Before answering these questions any further +than this, let us quote from an authority on the +subject, a man who has given the best years, or at +any rate some very good years, of his life to research +in this field, and who now takes exactly the +stand which we have been outlining in this article.</p> + +<p class="tei tei-p">"I would not," he says in a speech delivered +before the Girls' Friendly Society of Laurel Hill, +"I would not for one minute detract from the glory +of those who have brought this country to its +present state of financial prominence among the +nations of the world, and yet as I think back on +those dark days, I am impelled to voice the protest +of millions of American citizens yet unborn."<span class="tei-pb" id="page107">[pg 107]</span><a name="Pg107" id="Pg107" class="tei tei-anchor"></a></p> + +<p class="tei tei-p">Perhaps some of our little readers remember +what the major premise of this article was. If so, +will they please communicate with the writer.</p> + +<p class="tei tei-p">Oh, yes! Bigamy!</p> + +<p class="tei tei-p">Well, it certainly is funny how many cases of +bigamy you hear about nowadays. Either more +men are marrying more wives than ever before, or +they are getting more careless about it. (That +sounds very, very familiar. It is barely possible +that it is the sentence with which this article opens. +We say so many things in the course of one article +that repetitions are quite likely to creep in).</p> + +<p class="tei tei-p">At any rate, the tendency seems to be toward +an increase in bigamy.<span class="tei-pb" id="page108">[pg 108]</span><a name="Pg108" id="Pg108" class="tei tei-anchor"></a></p> +</div> + +<hr class="page" /> + +<div class="tei tei-div"> +<a name="toc_42" id="toc_42"></a> +<h1 class="tei tei-head">XXII—THE REAL WIGLAF: MAN AND MONARCH</h1> + +<blockquote style="margin: 2em 4em" class="tei tei-quote"> +<p class="tei tei-p">Much time has been devoted of late by ardent biographers +to shedding light on misunderstood characters +in history, especially British rulers. We cannot let +injustice any longer be done to King Wiglaf, the much-maligned +monarch of central Britain in the early Ninth Century.</p> + +<p class="tei tei-p">The fall of the kingdom of Mercia in 828 under the +the onslaughts of Ecgberht the West-Saxon, have been +laid to Wiglaf's untidy personal habits and his alleged +mania for practical joking. The accompanying biographical +sketch may serve to disclose some of the more +intimate details of the character of the man and to alter +in some degree history's unfavorable estimate of him.</p> +</blockquote> + +<p class="tei tei-p">Our first glimpse of the Wiglaf who was one +day to become ruler of Mercia, the heart of +present-day England (music, please), is when at +the age of seven he was taken by Oswier, his father's +murderer, to see Mrs. Siddons play <span style="font-style: italic" class="tei tei-hi">Lady Macbeth.</span> +(Every subject of biographical treatment, regardless +of the period in which he or she lived, must have +been taken at an early age to see Mrs. Siddons +play <span style="font-style: italic" class="tei tei-hi">Lady Macbeth.</span> It is part of the code of +biography.)<span class="tei-pb" id="page109">[pg 109]</span><a name="Pg109" id="Pg109" class="tei tei-anchor"></a></p> + +<p class="tei tei-p">While sitting in the royal box, the young prince +Wiglaf was asked what he thought of the performance. +"Rotten!" he answered, and left the place +abruptly, setting fire to the building as he went out.</p> + +<p class="tei tei-p">Beobald, in citing the above incident in his +"Chronicles of Comical Kings," calls it "an hendy +hap ichabbe y-hent." And perhaps he's right.</p> + +<p class="tei tei-p">Events proceeded in rapid succession after this +for the young boy and we next find him facing +marriage with a stiff upper-lip. Mystery has always +surrounded the reasons which led to the choice of +Princess Offa as Wiglaf's bride. In fact, it has +never been quite certain whether or not she <span style="font-style: italic" class="tei tei-hi">was</span> +his bride. No one ever saw them together.<a name="noteref_1" id="noteref_1"></a><a href="#note_1"><span class="footnoteref">1</span></a> On +several occasions he is reported to have asked his +chamberlain who she was as she passed by on the +street.<a name="noteref_2" id="noteref_2"></a><a href="#note_2"><span class="footnoteref">2</span></a></p> + +<p class="tei tei-p">And yet the theory persists that she was his wife, +owing doubtless to the fact that on the eve of the +Battle of Otford he sent a message to her asking +where "in God's name" his clean shirts had been +put when they came back from the wash.</p> + +<p class="tei tei-p">We come now to that period in Wiglaf's life which +has been for so many centuries the cause of historical +<span class="tei-pb" id="page110">[pg 110]</span><a name="Pg110" id="Pg110" class="tei tei-anchor"></a>speculation, pro and con. The reference is, +of course, to his dealings with Aethelbald, the +ambassador from Wessex. Every schoolboy has +taken part in the Wiglaf-Aethelbald controversy, +but how many really know the inside facts of the +case?</p> + +<p class="tei tei-p">Examination of the correspondence between these +two men shows Wiglaf to have been simply a great, +big-hearted, overgrown boy in the whole affair. All +claims of his having had an eye on the throne of +Northumbria fade away under the delightful ingenuousness +of his attitude as expressed in these +letters.</p> + +<p class="tei tei-p">"I should of thought," he writes in 821 to his +sister, "that anyone who was not cock-ide drunk +would have known better than to of tried to walk +bear-foot through that eel-grass from the beech up +to the bath-house without sneekers on, which is +what that ninn Aethelbald tryed to do this AM. +Well say laffter is no name for what you would of +done if you had seen him. He looked like he was +trying to walk a tide-rope. Hey I yelled at him +all the way, do you think you are trying to walk a +tide-rope? Well say maybe that didn't make him +sore."</p> + +<p class="tei tei-p">Shortly after this letter was written, Wiglaf ascended +the throne of Mercia, his father having +<span class="tei-pb" id="page111">[pg 111]</span><a name="Pg111" id="Pg111" class="tei tei-anchor"></a>disappeared Saturday night without trace. A +peasant<a name="noteref_3" id="noteref_3"></a><a href="#note_3"><span class="footnoteref">3</span></a> some years after said that he met the old +king walking along a road near what is now the +Scottish border, telling people that he was carrying +a letter of greeting from the Mayor of Pontygn to +the Mayor of Langoscgirh. Others say that he fell +into the sea off the coast of Wales and became what +is now known as King's Rocks. This last has never +been authenticated.</p> + +<p class="tei tei-p">At any rate, the son, on ascending the throne, became +king. His first official act was to order dinner. +"A nice, juicy steak," he is said to have called for,<a name="noteref_4" id="noteref_4"></a><a href="#note_4"><span class="footnoteref">4</span></a> +"French fries, apple pie and a cup of coffee." It +is probable that he really said "a coff of cuppee," +however, as he was a wag of the first water and +loved a joke as well as the next king.</p> + +<p class="tei tei-p">We are now thrown into the maelstrom of contradictory +historical data, some of which credits +Wiglaf with being the greatest ruler Mercia ever had +and some of which indicates that he was nothing +but a royal bum. It is not the purpose of this biography +to try to settle the dispute. All we know +for a fact is that he was a very human man who had +faults like the rest of us and that shortly after becoming +king he disappears from view.<span class="tei-pb" id="page112">[pg 112]</span><a name="Pg112" id="Pg112" class="tei tei-anchor"></a></p> + +<p class="tei tei-p">His reign began at 4 P.M. one Wednesday (no, +Thursday) afternoon and early the next morning +Mercia was overrun by the West-Saxons. It is +probable that King Wiglaf was sold for old silver +to help pay expenses.<span class="tei-pb" id="page113">[pg 113]</span><a name="Pg113" id="Pg113" class="tei tei-anchor"></a></p> +</div> + +<hr class="page" /> + +<div class="tei tei-div"> +<a name="toc_43" id="toc_43"></a> +<h1 class="tei tei-head">XXIII—FACING THE BOYS' CAMP PROBLEM</h1> + +<p class="tei tei-p">The time seemed to have come to send Junior +away to a boys' camp for the summer. He +was getting too large to have about the house during +the hot weather, and besides, getting him out of +town seemed the only way to stop the radio concerts +which had been making a continuous Chautauqua +of our home-life ever since March.</p> + +<p class="tei tei-p">I therefore got out a magazine and turned to that +section of the advertising headed, "Summer Camps +and Schools." There was a staggering array. Judging +from the photographs the entire child population +of the United States spent last summer in bathing +suits or on horseback, and the pictures of them were +so generic and familiar-looking that there was a +great temptation to spend the evening scrutinizing +them closely to see if you could pick out anyone +you knew.</p> + +<p class="tei tei-p">"Come on, read some out loud," said Doris in +her practical way.</p> + +<p class="tei tei-p">"'The Nooga-Wooga Camps,'" I began. "'The +<span class="tei-pb" id="page114">[pg 114]</span><a name="Pg114" id="Pg114" class="tei tei-anchor"></a>Garden Spot of the Micasset Mountains. Tumbling +water, calls of birds, light-hearted laughter, horseback +rides along shady trails, lasting friendships—all +these are the heritage of happy days at Nooga-Wooga.' ... I +don't think much of the costumes +they give the boys to wear at Nooga-Wooga. They +look rather sissy to me."</p> + +<p class="tei tei-p">"That's because you are looking at the Camps for +Girls, dear," said Doris. "Those are girls in Peter +Thompsons and bloomers."</p> + +<p class="tei tei-p">Hurriedly turning the page, I came to Camps for +Boys.</p> + +<p class="tei tei-p">"'Camp Wicomagisset, for Manly Boys. On famous +Lake Pogoniblick in the heart of the far-famed +Wappahammock district. Campfire stories, military +drill, mountain climbing, swimming, wading, +hiking, log-cabins, sailing—' they say nothing about +horseshoeing. Don't you suppose they teach horseshoeing?"</p> + +<p class="tei tei-p">"That probably comes in the second year for +the older boys," said Doris. "I wouldn't want +Junior to plunge right into horseshoeing his first +season. We mustn't rush him."</p> + +<p class="tei tei-p">"'Camp Wad-ne-go-gallup on the shores of +Crisco Bay, Maine. Facing that grandest of all +oceans, the Atlantic. Located among the best farms +where fresh and wholesome food can be had in +<span class="tei-pb" id="page115">[pg 115]</span><a name="Pg115" id="Pg115" class="tei tei-anchor"></a>abundance'—yes but <span style="font-style: italic" class="tei tei-hi">is</span> it had, my dear? That's +the question. Anyway, I don't like the looks of +the boat in the picture. It's too full of boys."</p> + +<p class="tei tei-p">"'Opossum Mountain Camp for Boys. Unusual +sports and trips'—Ah, possibly condor stalking! +That certainly would be unusual. But dangerous! +I'd hate to think of Junior crawling about +over ledges, stalking condors. And it says here +that there is a dietitian and a camp-mother, as well."</p> + +<p class="tei tei-p">"Camp-mother?" Doris sniffed, "Probably she +thinks she knows how to bring up children—"</p> + +<p class="tei tei-p">Just then Junior came in to announce that he +had signed up for a job for the summer, working +on the farm of Eddie Westover's uncle. So in view +of this added income, I felt that I could afford a +little vacation myself, and am leaving on July 1st +for Camp Mionogonett in the foothills of the Rokomokos, +"a Paradise for Manly Men."<span class="tei-pb" id="page116">[pg 116]</span><a name="Pg116" id="Pg116" class="tei tei-anchor"></a></p> +</div> + +<hr class="page" /> + +<div class="tei tei-div"> +<a name="toc_44" id="toc_44"></a> +<h1 class="tei tei-head">XXIV—ALL ABOUT THE SILESIAN PROBLEM</h1> + +<p class="tei tei-p">So much controversy has been aroused over +Silesia it is high time that the average man in +this country had a clearer idea of the problem. +At present many people think that if you add oxygen +to Silesia you will get oxide of silesia and can +take spots out of clothes with it.</p> + +<p class="tei tei-p">A definite statement of the whole Upper Silesian +question is therefore due, and, for those who care +to listen, about to be made.</p> + +<p class="tei tei-p">The trouble started at the treaty of Noblitz in +1773. You have no idea what a perfectly rotten +treaty that was. It was negotiated by the Grand +Duke Ludwig of Saxe-Goatherd-Cobalt, whose sister +married a Morrisey and settled in Fall River. +The aim and ambition of Ludwig's life was to annex +Spielzeugingen to Nichtrauschen, thereby augmenting +his duchy and at the same time having a dandy +time. And he was the kind of man who would stop +at nothing when it came time to augment his duchy.</p> + +<p class="tei tei-p">In this treaty, then, Ludwig insisted on a clause +<span class="tei-pb" id="page117">[pg 117]</span><a name="Pg117" id="Pg117" class="tei tei-anchor"></a>making Silesia a monogamy. This was very clever, +as it brought the Centrist party in Silesia into direct +conflict with the party who wanted to restore the +young Prince Niblick to the throne; thereby causing +no end of trouble and nasty feeling.</p> + +<p class="tei tei-p">With these obstacles out of the way, the greed +and ambition of Ludwig were practically unrestrained. +In fact, some historians say that they +knew no bounds. Summoning the Storkrath, or +common council (composed of three classes: the +nobles, the welterweights, and the licensed pilots) +he said to them: (according to Taine)</p> + +<p class="tei tei-p">"An army can travel ten days on its stomach, +but who the hell wants to be an army?"</p> + +<p class="tei tei-p">This saying has become a by-word in history +and is now remembered long after the Grand Duke +Ludwig has been forgotten. But at the time, Ludwig +received nothing short of an ovation for it, +and succeeded in winning over the obstructionists +to his side. This made everyone in favor of his +disposition of Silesia except the Silesians. And, as +they could neither read nor write, they thought +that they still belonged to Holland and cheered a +dyke every time they saw one.</p> + +<p class="tei tei-p">The question remained in abeyance therefore, for +a century and a quarter. Then, in 1805, three +years after the accession of Ralph Rittenhouse to +<span class="tei-pb" id="page118">[pg 118]</span><a name="Pg118" id="Pg118" class="tei tei-anchor"></a>the throne of England, the storm broke again. The +occasion was the partition of Parchesie by the Great +Powers, by which the towns of Zweiback, Ulmhausen +and Ost Wilp were united to form what is +known as the "industrial triangle" on the Upper +Silesian border. These towns are situated in the +heart of the pumice district and could alone supply +France and Germany with pumice for fifty years, +provided it didn't rain. Bismarck once called Ost +Wilp "the pumice heart of the world," and he was +about right, too.</p> + +<p class="tei tei-p">It will therefore be seen how important it was to +France that this "industrial triangle" on the Silesian +border should belong to Germany. At the conference +which designated the border line, Gambetta, +representing France, insisted that the line should +follow the course of the Iser River ("iser on one +side or the other," was the way he is reported to +have phrased it), which would divide the pumice +deposits into three areas, the fourth being the +dummy. This would never do.</p> + +<p class="tei tei-p">Experts were called in to see if it might not be +possible to so divide the district that France might +get a quarter, Germany a quarter and England +fifty cents. It was suggested that the line be drawn +down through Globe-Wernicke to the mouth of the +Iser. As Gambetta said, the line had to be drawn +<span class="tei-pb" id="page119">[pg 119]</span><a name="Pg119" id="Pg119" class="tei tei-anchor"></a>somewhere and it might as well be there. But Lord +Hay-Paunceforte, representing England, refused to +concede the point and for a time it looked like an +open breach. But matters were smoothed over by +the holding of a plebiscite in all the towns of Upper +Silesia. The result of this plebiscite was taken and +exactly reversed by the council, so that the entire +Engadine Valley was given to Sweden, who didn't +want it anyway.</p> + +<p class="tei tei-p">And there the matter now stands.<span class="tei-pb" id="page120">[pg 120]</span><a name="Pg120" id="Pg120" class="tei tei-anchor"></a></p> +</div> + +<hr class="page" /> + +<div class="tei tei-div"> +<a name="toc_45" id="toc_45"></a> +<h1 class="tei tei-head">XXV—"HAPPY THE HOME WHERE BOOKS ARE FOUND"</h1> + +<p class="tei tei-p">By way of egging people on to buy Dr. Eliot's +Five Foot Shelf of books, the publishers are +resorting to an advertisement in which are depicted +two married couples, one reading together by the +library table, the other playing some two-handed +game of cards which is evidently boring them considerably. +The query is "Which One of These +Couples Will be the Happier in Five Years?" the +implication being that the young people who buy +Dr. Eliot's books will, by constant reading aloud +to each other from the works of the world's +best writers, cement a companionship which will +put to shame the illiterate union of the young card +players.</p> + +<p class="tei tei-p">Granted that most two-handed games of cards <span style="font-style: italic" class="tei tei-hi">are</span> +dull enough to result in divorce at the end of five +years, they cannot be compared to co-operative +family reading as a system of home-wrecking. If +this were a betting periodical, we would have ten +dollars to place on the chance of the following +<span class="tei-pb" id="page121">[pg 121]</span><a name="Pg121" id="Pg121" class="tei tei-anchor"></a>being the condition of affairs in the literary family +at the end of the stated time:</p> + +<p class="tei tei-p">(<span style="font-style: italic" class="tei tei-hi">The husband is reading his evening newspaper. +The wife appears, bringing a volume from the Five +Foot Shelf. Tonight it is Darwin's "Origin of +Species</span>.")</p> + +<p class="tei tei-p">WIFE: Hurry up and finish that paper. We'll +never get along in this Darwin if we don't begin +earlier than we did last night.</p> + +<p class="tei tei-p">HUSBAND: Well, suppose we didn't get along +in it. That would suit me all right.</p> + +<p class="tei tei-p">WIFE: If you don't want me to read it to you, +just say so ... (<span style="font-style: italic" class="tei tei-hi">after-thought</span>) if it's so far over +your head, just say so.</p> + +<p class="tei tei-p">HUSBAND: It's not over my head at all. It's just +dull. Why don't you read some more out of that +Italian novel?</p> + +<p class="tei tei-p">WIFE: Ugh! I hate that. I suppose you'd +rather have me read "The Sheik."</p> + +<p class="tei tei-p">HUSBAND (<span style="font-style: italic" class="tei tei-hi">nastily</span>): No-I-wouldn't-rather-have-you-read-"The Sheik." +Go on ahead with +your Darwin. I'm listening.</p> + +<p class="tei tei-p">WIFE: It's not <span style="font-style: italic" class="tei tei-hi">my</span> Darwin. I simply want to +know a little something, that's all. Of course, <span style="font-style: italic" class="tei tei-hi">you</span> +know everything, so you don't have to read anything +more.<span class="tei-pb" id="page122">[pg 122]</span><a name="Pg122" id="Pg122" class="tei tei-anchor"></a></p> + +<p class="tei tei-p">HUSBAND: Go on, go on.</p> + +<p class="tei tei-p">WIFE: That last book we read was so far over—</p> + +<p class="tei tei-p">HUSBAND: Go on, go on.</p> + +<p class="tei tei-p">WIFE: (<span style="font-style: italic" class="tei tei-hi">reads in an injured tone one and a half +pages on the selective processes of pigeons</span>): You're +asleep!</p> + +<p class="tei tei-p">HUSBAND: I am not. The last words you read +were "to this conclusion."</p> + +<p class="tei tei-p">WIFE: Yes, well, what were the words before +that?</p> + +<p class="tei tei-p">HUSBAND: How should I know? I'm not learning +the thing to recite somewhere, am I?</p> + +<p class="tei tei-p">WIFE: Well, it's very funny that you didn't notice +when I read the last sentence backwards. +And if you weren't asleep what were you doing with +your eyes closed?</p> + +<p class="tei tei-p">HUSBAND: I got smoke in them and was resting +them for a minute. Haven't I got a right to rest +my eyes a minute?</p> + +<p class="tei tei-p">WIFE: I suppose it rests your eyes to breathe +through your mouth and hold your head way over +on one side.</p> + +<p class="tei tei-p">HUSBAND: Yes it does, and wha'd'yer think of +<span style="font-style: italic" class="tei tei-hi">that</span>?</p> + +<p style="text-align: center" class="tei tei-p"><a name="image09" id="image09" class="tei tei-anchor"></a> +<img src="images/image09.png" alt=""If you weren't asleep what were you doing with your eyes closed?"" class="tei tei-figure" /></p> +<p style="text-align: center" class="tei tei-p">"If you weren't asleep what were you doing with +your eyes closed?"<span class="tei-pb" id="page123">[pg 123]</span><a name="Pg123" id="Pg123" class="tei tei-anchor"></a></p> + +<p class="tei tei-p">WIFE: Go on and read your newspaper. That's +just about your mental speed.</p> + +<p class="tei tei-p">HUSBAND: I'm perfectly willing to read books +in this set if you'd pick any decent ones.</p> + +<p class="tei tei-p">WIFE: Yes, you are.</p> + +<p class="tei tei-p">HUSBAND: Wha'd'yer mean "Yes you are"?</p> + +<p class="tei tei-p">WIFE: Just what I said.</p> + +<p class="tei tei-p">(<span style="font-style: italic" class="tei tei-hi">This goes on for ten minutes and then husband +draws a revolver and kills his wife</span>.)<span class="tei-pb" id="page124">[pg 124]</span><a name="Pg124" id="Pg124" class="tei tei-anchor"></a></p> +</div> + +<hr class="page" /> + +<div class="tei tei-div"> +<a name="toc_46" id="toc_46"></a> +<h1 class="tei tei-head">XXVI—WHEN NOT IN ROME, WHY DO AS THE ROMANS DID?</h1> + +<p class="tei tei-p">There is a growing sentiment among sign +painters that when a sign or notice is to be +put up in a public place it should be written in characters +that are at least legible, so that, to quote +"The Manchester Guardian" (as every one seems +to do) "He who runs may read."</p> + +<p class="tei tei-p">This does not strike one as being an unseemly +pandering to popular favor. The supposition is +that the sign is put there to be read, otherwise it +would have been turned over to an inmate of the +Odd Fellows Home to be engraved on the head of +a pin. And what could be a more fair requirement +than that it should be readable?</p> + +<p class="tei tei-p">Advertising, with its billboard message of rustless +screens and co-educational turkish-baths, has +done much to further the good cause, and a glance +through the files of newspapers of seventy-five +years ago, when the big news story of the day was +played up in diamond type easily deciphered in +a strong light with the naked eye, shows that +<span class="tei-pb" id="page125">[pg 125]</span><a name="Pg125" id="Pg125" class="tei tei-anchor"></a>news printing has not, to use a slang phrase, stood +still.</p> + +<p class="tei tei-p">But in the midst of this uniform progress we +find a stagnant spot. Surrounded by legends that +are patent and easy to read and understand, we find +the stone-cutter and the architect still putting up +tablets and cornerstones, monuments and cornices, +with dates disguised in Roman numerals. It is as +if it were a game, in which they were saying, "The +number we are thinking of is even; it begins with +M; it has five digits and when they are spread out, +end to end, they occupy three feet of space. You +have until we count to one hundred to guess what +it is."</p> + +<p class="tei tei-p">Roman numerals are all right for a rainy Sunday +afternoon or to take a convalescent's mind from his +illness, but to put them in a public place, where the +reader stands a good chance of being run over by a +dray if he spends more than fifty seconds in their +perusal, is not in keeping with the efficiency of the +age. If for no other reason than the extra space +they take, involving more marble, more of the cutter's +time and wear and tear on his instruments, +not to mention the big overhead, you would think +that Roman numerals would have been abolished +long ago.</p> + +<p class="tei tei-p">Of course, they can be figured out if you're good +<span class="tei-pb" id="page126">[pg 126]</span><a name="Pg126" id="Pg126" class="tei tei-anchor"></a>at that sort of thing. By working on your cuff and +backs of envelopes, you can translate them in no +time at all compared to the time taken by a cocoon +to change into a butterfly, for instance. All you +have to do is remember that "M" stands for either +"<span style="font-style: italic" class="tei tei-hi">millium</span>," meaning thousand, or for "million." +By referring to the context you can tell which is +more probable. If, for example, it is a date, you +can tell right away that it doesn't mean "million," +for there isn't any "million" in our dates. And +there is one-seventh or eighth of your number deciphered +already. Then "C," of course, stands for +"<span style="font-style: italic" class="tei tei-hi">centum</span>," which you can translate by working +backwards at it, taking such a word as "century" +or "per cent," and looking up what they come +from, and there you have it! By this time it is +hardly the middle of the afternoon, and all you +have before you is a combination of X's, I's and an +L, the latter standing for "Elevated Railway," and +"Licorice," or, if you cross it with two little horizontal +lines, it stands for the English pound, which +is equivalent to about four dollars and eighty-odd +cents in real money. Simple as sawing through +a log.</p> + +<p class="tei tei-p">But it takes time. That's the big trouble with +it. You can't do the right thing by the office and +go in for Roman numerals, too. And since most +<span class="tei-pb" id="page127">[pg 127]</span><a name="Pg127" id="Pg127" class="tei tei-anchor"></a>of the people who pass such inscriptions are +dependent on their own earnings, why not cater +to them a bit and let them in on the secret?</p> + +<p class="tei tei-p">Probably the only reason that the people haven't +risen up and demanded a reform along these lines +is because so few of them really give a hang what +the inscription says. If the American Antiquarian +Turn-Verein doesn't care about stating in understandable +figures the date on which the cornerstone +of their building was laid, the average citizen is +perfectly willing to let the matter drop right there.</p> + +<p class="tei tei-p">But it would never do to revert to Roman numerals +in, say, the arrangement of time-tables. How +long would the commuter stand it if he had to +mumble to himself for twenty minutes and use up +the margins of his newspaper before he could figure +out what was the next train after the 5:18? Or +this, over the telephone between wife and husband:</p> + +<p class="tei tei-p">"Hello, dear! I think I'll come in town for +lunch. What trains can I get?"</p> + +<p class="tei tei-p">"Just a minute—I'll look them up. Hold the +wire.... Let's see, here's one at XII:LVIII, that's +twelve, and L is a thousand and V is five and three +I's are three; that makes 12:one thousand.... +that can't be right.... now XII certainly is +twelve, and L ... what does L stand for?... I +say; what—does—L—stand—for?... Well, +<span class="tei-pb" id="page128">[pg 128]</span><a name="Pg128" id="Pg128" class="tei tei-anchor"></a>ask Heima.... What does she say?... Fifty?... +Sure, that makes it come out all right.... +12:58.... What time is it now?... 1 o'clock?... Well, +the next one leaves Oakam at I:XLIV.... that's ..." +etc.</p> + +<p class="tei tei-p">Batting averages and the standing of teams in +the leagues are another department where the introduction +of Roman numerals would be suicide for +the political party in power at the time. For of all +things that are essential to the day's work of the +voter, an early enlightenment in the matter of the +home team's standing and the numerical progress +of the favorite batsman are of primary importance. +This information has to be gleaned on the way to +work in the morning, and, except for those who +come in to work each day from North Philadelphia +or the Croton Reservoir, it would be a physical +impossibility to figure the tables out and get any +of the day's news besides.</p> + +<p class="tei tei-p"> +</p><table cellspacing="0" class="tei tei-table"><colgroup span="8"></colgroup><tbody><tr class="tei tei-row"> +<td class="tei tei-cell">CLVB BATTING RECORDS</td> +</tr><tr class="tei tei-row"> +<td class="tei tei-cell"></td> +<td class="tei tei-cell">Games</td> +<td class="tei tei-cell">At Bat</td> +<td class="tei tei-cell">Runs</td> +<td class="tei tei-cell">B.H.</td> +<td class="tei tei-cell">S.B.</td> +<td class="tei tei-cell">S.H.</td> +<td class="tei tei-cell">Aver.</td> +</tr><tr class="tei tei-row"> +<td class="tei tei-cell">Detroit</td> +<td class="tei tei-cell">CLII</td> +<td class="tei tei-cell">MMMMMXXCIX</td> +<td class="tei tei-cell">DCLIII</td> +<td class="tei tei-cell">MCCCXXXIII</td> +<td class="tei tei-cell">CLXVIII</td> +<td class="tei tei-cell">CC</td> +<td class="tei tei-cell">CCLXII</td> +</tr><tr class="tei tei-row"> +<td class="tei tei-cell">Chicago</td> +<td class="tei tei-cell">CLI</td> +<td class="tei tei-cell">MMMMCMXL</td> +<td class="tei tei-cell">DLXXI</td> +<td class="tei tei-cell">MCCXLVI</td> +<td class="tei tei-cell">CLXXIX</td> +<td class="tei tei-cell">CCXXI</td> +<td class="tei tei-cell">CCLII</td> +</tr><tr class="tei tei-row"> +<td class="tei tei-cell">Cleveland</td> +<td class="tei tei-cell">CLII</td> +<td class="tei tei-cell">MMMMCMXXXVII</td> +<td class="tei tei-cell">DCXIX</td> +<td class="tei tei-cell">MCCXXXI</td> +<td class="tei tei-cell">CL</td> +<td class="tei tei-cell">CCXXI</td> +<td class="tei tei-cell">CCXLIX</td> +</tr><tr class="tei tei-row"> +<td class="tei tei-cell">Boston</td> +<td class="tei tei-cell">CLI</td> +<td class="tei tei-cell">MMMMDCCCLXXIV</td> +<td class="tei tei-cell">DXXXIV</td> +<td class="tei tei-cell">MCXCI</td> +<td class="tei tei-cell">CXXXVI</td> +<td class="tei tei-cell">CCXXV</td> +<td class="tei tei-cell">CCXLV</td> +</tr><tr class="tei tei-row"> +<td class="tei tei-cell">New York</td> +<td class="tei tei-cell">CL</td> +<td class="tei tei-cell">MMMMCMLXXXVII</td> +<td class="tei tei-cell">DLIV</td> +<td class="tei tei-cell">MCCXXX</td> +<td class="tei tei-cell">CLXXV</td> +<td class="tei tei-cell">CLXV</td> +<td class="tei tei-cell">CXLVII</td> +</tr><tr class="tei tei-row"> +<td class="tei tei-cell">Washington</td> +<td class="tei tei-cell">CLIII</td> +<td class="tei tei-cell">MMMMCMXXVIII</td> +<td class="tei tei-cell">DV</td> +<td class="tei tei-cell">MCXC</td> +<td class="tei tei-cell">CLXIII</td> +<td class="tei tei-cell">CLXV</td> +<td class="tei tei-cell">CCXDI</td> +</tr><tr class="tei tei-row"> +<td class="tei tei-cell">St. Louis</td> +<td class="tei tei-cell">CLV</td> +<td class="tei tei-cell">MMMMMLXV</td> +<td class="tei tei-cell">DLXXIV</td> +<td class="tei tei-cell">MCCXXI</td> +<td class="tei tei-cell">CCVII</td> +<td class="tei tei-cell">CLXII</td> +<td class="tei tei-cell">CCXLI</td> +</tr><tr class="tei tei-row"> +<td class="tei tei-cell">Philadelphia</td> +<td class="tei tei-cell">CXLIX</td> +<td class="tei tei-cell">MMMMDCCCXXVI</td> +<td class="tei tei-cell">CCCCXVI</td> +<td class="tei tei-cell">MCXLIII</td> +<td class="tei tei-cell">CXLIII</td> +<td class="tei tei-cell">CLV</td> +<td class="tei tei-cell">CCXXXVII</td> +</tr></tbody></table><p class="tei tei-p"> +</p> + +<p class="tei tei-p">YOU CAN'T DO RIGHT BY THE OFFICE AND GO IN FOR ROMAN NUMERALS TOO.</p> +<span class="tei-pb" id="page129">[pg 129]</span><a name="Pg129" id="Pg129" class="tei tei-anchor"></a> +<p class="tei tei-p">On matters such as these the proletariat would +have protested the Roman numeral long ago. If +they are willing to let its reactionary use on tablets +and monuments stand it is because of their indifference +to influences which do not directly affect +their pocketbooks. But if it could be put up to +them in a powerful cartoon, showing the Architect +and the Stone-Cutter dressed in frock coats and +silk hats, with their pockets full of money, stepping +on the Common People so that he cannot see what +is written on the tablet behind them, then perhaps +the public would realize how they are being imposed +on.</p> + +<p class="tei tei-p">For that there is an organized movement among +architects and stone-cutters to keep these things +from the citizenry there can no longer be any doubt. +It is not only a matter of the Roman numerals. +How about the use of the "V" when "U" should +be used? You will always see it in inscriptions. +"SVMNER BVILDING" is one of the least offensive. +Perhaps the excuse is that "V" is more +adapted to stone-lettering. Then why not carry +this principle out further? Why not use the letter +H when S is meant? Or substitute K for B? If +the idea is to deceive, and to make it easier for the +stone-cutter, a pleasing effect could be got from +the inscription, "Erected in 1897 by the Society +<span class="tei-pb" id="page130">[pg 130]</span><a name="Pg130" id="Pg130" class="tei tei-anchor"></a>of Arts and Grafts", by making it read: "EKEATEW +IZ MXIXLXIXLXXII LY THE XNLIEZY +OF AEXA ZNL ELAFTX." There you have +letters that are all adapted to stone-cutting; they +look well together, and they are, in toto, as intelligible +as most inscriptions.<span class="tei-pb" id="page131">[pg 131]</span><a name="Pg131" id="Pg131" class="tei tei-anchor"></a></p> +</div> + +<hr class="page" /> + +<div class="tei tei-div"> +<a name="toc_47" id="toc_47"></a> +<h1 class="tei tei-head">XXVII—THE TOOTH, THE WHOLE TOOTH, AND +NOTHING BUT THE TOOTH</h1> + +<p class="tei tei-p">Some well-known saying (it doesn't make much +difference what) is proved by the fact that +everyone likes to talk about his experiences at the +dentist's. For years and years little articles like +this have been written on the subject, little jokes +like some that I shall presently make have been +made, and people in general have been telling other +people just what emotions they experience when +they crawl into the old red plush guillotine.</p> + +<p class="tei tei-p">They like to explain to each other how they feel +when the dentist puts "that buzzer thing" against +their bicuspids, and, if sufficiently pressed, they will +describe their sensations on mouthing a rubber dam.</p> + +<p class="tei tei-p">"I'll tell you what I hate," they will say with +great relish, "when he takes that little nut-pick +and begins to scrape. Ugh!"</p> + +<p class="tei tei-p">"Oh, I'll tell you what's worse than that," says +the friend, not to be outdone, "when he is poking +around careless-like, and strikes a nerve. Wow!"</p> + +<p class="tei tei-p">And if there are more than two people at the +<span class="tei-pb" id="page132">[pg 132]</span><a name="Pg132" id="Pg132" class="tei tei-anchor"></a>experience-meeting, everyone will chip in and tell +what he or she considers to be the worst phase of +the dentist's work, all present enjoying the narration +hugely and none so much as the narrator who +has suffered so.</p> + +<p class="tei tei-p">This sort of thing has been going on ever since +the first mammoth gold tooth was hung out as a +bait to folks in search of a good time. (By the +way, when <span style="font-style: italic" class="tei tei-hi">did</span> the present obnoxious system of dentistry +begin? It can't be so very long ago that the +electric auger was invented, and where would a +dentist be without an electric auger? Yet you +never hear of Amalgam Filling Day, or any other +anniversary in the dental year). There must be +a conspiracy of silence on the part of the trade to +keep hidden the names of the men who are responsible +for all this.</p> + +<p class="tei tei-p">However many years it may be that dentists have +been plying their trade, in all that time people have +never tired of talking about their teeth. This is +probably due to the inscrutable workings of Nature +who is always supplying new teeth to talk about.</p> + +<p class="tei tei-p">As a matter of fact, the actual time and suffering +in the chair is only a fraction of the gross expenditure +connected with the affair. The preliminary +period, about which nobody talks, is much the +worse. This dates from the discovery of the wayward +<span class="tei-pb" id="page133">[pg 133]</span><a name="Pg133" id="Pg133" class="tei tei-anchor"></a>tooth and extends to the moment when the +dentist places his foot on the automatic hoist which +jacks you up into range. Giving gas for tooth-extraction +is all very humane in its way, but the +time for anaesthetics is when the patient first decides +that he must go to the dentist. From then +on, until the first excavation is started, should be +shrouded in oblivion.</p> + +<p class="tei tei-p">There is probably no moment more appalling than +that in which the tongue, running idly over the +teeth in a moment of care-free play, comes suddenly +upon the ragged edge of a space from which the +old familiar filling has disappeared. The world +stops and you look meditatively up to the corner +of the ceiling. Then quickly you draw your tongue +away, and try to laugh the affair off, saying to +yourself:</p> + +<p class="tei tei-p">"Stuff and nonsense, my good fellow! There is +nothing the matter with your tooth. Your nerves +are upset after a hard day's work, that's all."</p> + +<p class="tei tei-p">Having decided this to your satisfaction, you +slyly, and with a poor attempt at being casual, +slide the tongue back along the line of adjacent +teeth, hoping against hope that it will reach the +end without mishap.</p> + +<p class="tei tei-p">But there it is! There can be no doubt about +it this time. The tooth simply has got to be filled +<span class="tei-pb" id="page134">[pg 134]</span><a name="Pg134" id="Pg134" class="tei tei-anchor"></a>by someone, and the only person who can fill it +with anything permanent is a dentist. You wonder +if you might not be able to patch it up yourself for +the time being,—a year or so—perhaps with a +little spruce-gum and a coating of new-skin. It is +fairly far back, and wouldn't have to be a very +sightly job.</p> + +<p class="tei tei-p">But this has an impracticable sound, even to you. +You might want to eat some peanut-brittle (you +never can tell when someone might offer you +peanut-brittle these days), and the new-skin, while +serviceable enough in the case of cream soups and +custards, couldn't be expected to stand up under +heavy crunching.</p> + +<p class="tei tei-p">So you admit that, since the thing has got to +be filled, it might as well be a dentist who does the +job.</p> + +<p class="tei tei-p">This much decided, all that is necessary is to +call him up and make an appointment.</p> + +<p class="tei tei-p">Let us say that this resolve is made on Tuesday. +That afternoon you start to look up the dentist's +number in the telephone-book. A great wave of +relief sweeps over you when you discover that it +isn't there. How can you be expected to make an +appointment with a man who hasn't got a telephone? +And how can you have a tooth filled without +making an appointment? The whole thing is +<span class="tei-pb" id="page135">[pg 135]</span><a name="Pg135" id="Pg135" class="tei tei-anchor"></a>impossible, and that's all there is to it. God knows +you did your best.</p> + +<p class="tei tei-p">On Wednesday there is a slightly more insistent +twinge, owing to bad management of a sip of ice +water. You decide that you simply must get in +touch with that dentist when you get back from +lunch. But you know how those things are. First +one thing and then another came up, and a man +came in from Providence who had to be shown +around the office, and by the time you had a minute +to yourself it was five o'clock. And, anyway, the +tooth didn't bother you again. You wouldn't be +surprised if, by being careful, you could get along +with it as it is until the end of the week when you +will have more time. A man has to think of his +business, after all, and what is a little personal +discomfort in the shape of an unfilled tooth to the +satisfaction of work well done in the office?</p> + +<p class="tei tei-p">By Saturday morning you are fairly reconciled +to going ahead, but it is only a half day and probably +he has no appointments left, anyway. Monday +is really the time. You can begin the week +afresh. After all, Monday is really the logical day +to start in going to the dentist.</p> + +<p class="tei tei-p">Bright and early Monday morning you make +another try at the telephone-book, and find, to your +horror, that some time between now and last Tuesday +<span class="tei-pb" id="page136">[pg 136]</span><a name="Pg136" id="Pg136" class="tei tei-anchor"></a>the dentist's name and number have been +inserted into the directory. There it is. There is +no getting around it: "Burgess, Jas. Kendal, DDS.... Courtland—2654". +There is really nothing +left to do but to call him up. Fortunately the line +is busy, which gives you a perfectly good excuse +for putting it over until Tuesday. But on Tuesday +luck is against you and you get a clear connection +with the doctor himself. An appointment +is arranged for Thursday afternoon at 3:30.</p> + +<p class="tei tei-p">Thursday afternoon, and here it is only Tuesday +morning! Almost anything may happen between +now and then. We might declare war on Mexico, +and off you'd have to go, dentist appointment or no +dentist appointment. Surely a man couldn't let +a date to have a tooth filled stand in the way of his +doing his duty to his country. Or the social revolution +might start on Wednesday, and by Thursday +the whole town might be in ashes. You can picture +yourself standing, Thursday afternoon at 3.30 on +the ruins of the City Hall, fighting off marauding +bands of reds, and saying to yourself, with a sigh +of relief: "Only to think! At this time I was to +have been climbing into the dentist's chair!" You +never can tell when your luck will turn in a thing +like that.</p> + +<p class="tei tei-p">But Wednesday goes by and nothing happens. +<span class="tei-pb" id="page137">[pg 137]</span><a name="Pg137" id="Pg137" class="tei tei-anchor"></a>And Thursday morning dawns without even a word +from the dentist saying that he has been called +suddenly out of town to lecture before the Incisor +Club. Apparently, everything is working against +you.</p> + +<p class="tei tei-p">By this time, your tongue has taken up a permanent +resting-place in the vacant tooth, and is +causing you to talk indistinctly and incoherently. +Somehow you feel that if the dentist opens your +mouth and finds the tip of your tongue in the tooth, +he will be deceived and go away without doing anything.</p> + +<p class="tei tei-p">The only thing left is for you to call him up and +say that you have just killed a man and are being +arrested and can't possibly keep your appointment. +But any dentist would see through that. He would +laugh right into his transmitter at you. There is +probably no excuse which it would be possible to +invent which a dentist has not already heard eighty +or ninety times. No, you might as well see the +thing through now.</p> + +<p class="tei tei-p">Luncheon is a ghastly rite. The whole left side +of your jaw has suddenly developed an acute sensitiveness +and the disaffection has spread to the four +teeth on either side of the original one. You doubt +if it will be possible for him to touch it at all. +Perhaps all he intends to do this time is to look at +<span class="tei-pb" id="page138">[pg 138]</span><a name="Pg138" id="Pg138" class="tei tei-anchor"></a>it anyway. You might even suggest that to him. +You could very easily come in again soon and have +him do the actual work.</p> + +<p class="tei tei-p">Three-thirty draws near. A horrible time of day +at best. Just when a man's vitality is lowest. Before +stepping in out of the sunlight into the +building in which the dental parlor is, you take one +look about you at the happy people scurrying by +in the street. Carefree children that they are! +What do they know of Life? Probably that man +in the silly-looking hat never had trouble with so +much as his baby-teeth. There they go, pushing +and jostling each other, just as if within ten feet +of them there was not a man who stands on the +brink of the Great Misadventure. Ah well! Life +is like that!</p> + +<p class="tei tei-p">Into the elevator. The last hope is gone. The +door clangs and you look hopelessly about you at +the stupid faces of your fellow passengers. How +can people be so clownish? Of course, there is +always the chance that the elevator will fall and +that you will all be terribly hurt. But that is too +much to expect. You dismiss it from your thoughts +as too impractical, too visionary. Things don't +work out as happily as that in real life.</p> + +<p class="tei tei-p">You feel a certain glow of heroic pride when you +tell the operator the right floor number. You might +<span class="tei-pb" id="page139">[pg 139]</span><a name="Pg139" id="Pg139" class="tei tei-anchor"></a>just as easily have told him a floor too high or too +low, and that would, at least, have caused delay. +But after all, a man must prove himself a man and +the least you can do is to meet Fate with an unflinching +eye and give the right floor number.</p> + +<p class="tei tei-p">Too often has the scene in the dentist's waiting-room +been described for me to try to do it again +here. They are all alike. The antiseptic smell, +the ominous hum from the operating-rooms, the 1921 +"Literary Digests," and the silent, sullen, group +of waiting patients, each trying to look unconcerned +and cordially disliking everyone else in the room,—all +these have been sung by poets of far greater +lyric powers than mine. (Not that I really think +that they <span style="font-style: italic" class="tei tei-hi">are</span> greater than mine, but that's the customary +form of excuse for not writing something +you haven't got time or space to do. As a matter +of fact, I think I could do it much better than it +has ever been done before).</p> + +<p class="tei tei-p">I can only say that, as you sit looking, with +unseeing eyes, through a large book entitled, "The +Great War in Pictures," you would gladly change +places with the most lowly of God's creatures. It +is inconceivable that there should be anyone worse +off than you, unless perhaps it is some of the poor +wretches who are waiting with you.</p> + +<p class="tei tei-p">That one over in the arm-chair, nervously tearing +<span class="tei-pb" id="page140">[pg 140]</span><a name="Pg140" id="Pg140" class="tei tei-anchor"></a>to shreds a copy of "The Dental Review and Practical Inlay +Worker." She may have something frightful the trouble with +her. She couldn't possibly look more worried. Perhaps it +is very, very painful. This thought cheers you up considerably. +What cowards women are in times like these!</p> + +<p class="tei tei-p">And then there comes the sound of voices from the next room.</p> + +<p class="tei tei-p">"All right, Doctor, and if it gives me any more pain shall +I call you up?... Do you think that it will bleed much more?... +Saturday morning, then, at eleven.... Good bye, Doctor."</p> + +<p class="tei tei-p">And a middle-aged woman emerges (all women +are middle-aged when emerging from the dentist's +office) looking as if she were playing the big emotional scene +in "John Ferguson." A wisp of hair +waves dissolutely across her forehead between her +eyes. Her face is pale, except for a slight inflammation +at the corners of her mouth, and in her eyes +is that far-away look of one who has been face to +face with Life. But she is through. She should +care how she looks.</p> + +<p style="text-align: center" class="tei tei-p"><a name="image10" id="image10" class="tei tei-anchor"></a> +<img src="images/image10.png" alt="You would gladly change places with the most lawless of God's creatures." class="tei tei-figure" /></p> +<p style="text-align: center" class="tei tei-p">You would gladly change places with the +most lawless of God's creatures.</p> + +<p class="tei tei-p">The nurse appears, and looks inquiringly at each +one in the room. Each one in the room evades the +nurse's glance in one last, futile attempt to fool +someone and get away without seeing the dentist. +But she spots you and nods pleasantly. God, how +<span class="tei-pb" id="page141">[pg 141]</span><a name="Pg141" id="Pg141" class="tei tei-anchor"></a>pleasantly she nods! There ought to be a law against +people being as pleasant as that.</p> + +<p class="tei tei-p">"The doctor will see you now," she says.</p> + +<p class="tei tei-p">The English language may hold a more disagreeable combination +of words than "The doctor will see you now." I am willing +to concede something to the phrase "Have you anything to say +before the current is turned on." That may be worse for the +moment, but it doesn't last so long. For continued, unmitigating +depression, I know nothing to equal "The doctor will see you +now." But I'm not narrow-minded about it. I'm willing to +consider other possibilities.</p> + +<p class="tei tei-p">Smiling feebly, you trip over the extended feet of the +man next to you, and stagger into the delivery-room, where, +amid a ghastly array of death-masks of teeth, blue flames +waving eerily from Bunsen burners, and the drowning sound of +perpetually running water which chokes and gurgles at intervals, +you sink into the chair and close your eyes.</p> + +<p style="text-align: center" class="tei tei-p">* * * * *</p> + +<p class="tei tei-p">But now let us consider the spiritual exaltation +that comes when you are at last let down and turned +loose. It is all over, and what did it amount to? +Why, nothing at all. A-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha! Nothing +at all.<span class="tei-pb" id="page142">[pg 142]</span><a name="Pg142" id="Pg142" class="tei tei-anchor"></a></p> + +<p class="tei tei-p">You suddenly develop a particular friendship for +the dentist. A splendid fellow, really. You ask +him questions about his instruments. What does +he use this thing for, for instance? Well, well, to +think, of a little thing like that making all that +trouble. A-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!... And the dentist's +family, how are they? Isn't that fine!</p> + +<p class="tei tei-p">Gaily you shake hands with him and straighten +your tie. Forgotten is the fact that you have another +appointment with him for Monday. There +is no such thing as Monday. You are through for +today, and all's right with the world.</p> + +<p class="tei tei-p">As you pass out through the waiting-room, you +leer at the others unpleasantly. The poor fishes! +Why can't they take their medicine like grown +people and not sit there moping as if they were +going to be shot?</p> + +<p class="tei tei-p">Heigh-ho! Here's the elevator-man! A charming +fellow! You wonder if he knows that you have +just had a tooth filled. You feel tempted to tell +him and slap him on the back. You feel tempted +to tell everyone out in the bright, cheery street. +And what a wonderful street it is too! All full of +nice, black snow and water. After all, Life is sweet!</p> + +<p class="tei tei-p">And then you go and find the first person whom +you can accost without being arrested and explain +to him just what it was that the dentist did to you, +<span class="tei-pb" id="page143">[pg 143]</span><a name="Pg143" id="Pg143" class="tei tei-anchor"></a>and how you felt, and what you have got to have +done next time.</p> + +<p class="tei tei-p">Which brings us right back to where we were +in the beginning, and perhaps accounts for everyone's +liking to divulge their dental secrets to others. +It may be a sort of hysterical relief that, for the +time being, it is all over with.<span class="tei-pb" id="page144">[pg 144]</span><a name="Pg144" id="Pg144" class="tei tei-anchor"></a></p> +</div> + +<hr class="page" /> + +<div class="tei tei-div"> +<a name="toc_48" id="toc_48"></a> +<h1 class="tei tei-head">XXVIII—MALIGNANT MIRRORS</h1> + +<p class="tei tei-p">As a rule, I try not to look into mirrors any +more than is absolutely necessary. Things +are depressing enough as they are without my going +out of my way to make myself miserable.</p> + +<p class="tei tei-p">But every once in a while it is unavoidable. +There are certain mirrors in town with which I +am brought face to face on occasion and there is +nothing to do but make the best of it. I have +come to classify them according to the harshness +with which they fling the truth into my face.</p> + +<p class="tei tei-p">I am unquestionably at my worst in the mirror +before which I try on hats. I may have been going +along all winter thinking of other things, dwelling +on what people tell me is really a splendid spiritual +side to my nature, thinking of myself as rather a +fine sort of person, not dashing perhaps, but one +from whose countenance shines a great light of +honesty and courage which is even more to be +desired than physical beauty. I rather imagine that +little children on the street and grizzled Supreme +<span class="tei-pb" id="page145">[pg 145]</span><a name="Pg145" id="Pg145" class="tei tei-anchor"></a>Court justices out for a walk turn as I pass and +say "A fine face. Plain, but fine."</p> + +<p class="tei tei-p">Then I go in to buy a hat. The mirror in the hat store is +triplicate, so that you see yourself not only head-on but +from each side. The appearance +that I present to myself in this mirror is that of +three police-department photographs showing all +possible approaches to the face of Harry DuChamps, +alias Harry Duval, alias Harry Duffy, wanted in +Rochester for the murder of Nettie Lubitch, age 5. +All that is missing is the longitudinal scar across +the right cheek.</p> + +<p class="tei tei-p">I have never seen a meaner face than mine is in +the hat-store mirror. I could stand its not being +handsome. I could even stand looking weak in an +attractive, man-about-town sort of way. But in +the right hand mirror there confronts me a hang-dog +face, the face of a yellow craven, while at the +left leers an even more repulsive type, sensual and +cruel.</p> + +<p class="tei tei-p">Furthermore, even though I have had a hair-cut +that very day, there is an unkempt fringe showing +over my collar in back and the collar itself, (a +Wimpet, 14-1/2, which looked so well on the young +man in the car-card) seems to be something that +would be worn by a Maine guide when he goes into +Portland for the day. My suit needs pressing and +<span class="tei-pb" id="page146">[pg 146]</span><a name="Pg146" id="Pg146" class="tei tei-anchor"></a>there is a general air of its having been given to +me, with ten dollars, by the State on my departure +from Sing Sing the day before.</p> + +<p class="tei tei-p">But for an unfavorable full-length view, nothing +can compare with the one that I get of myself as +I pass the shoe-store on the corner. They have a +mirror in the window, so set that it catches the reflection +of people as they step up on the curb. When +there are other forms in the picture it is not always +easy to identify yourself at first, especially at a +distance, and every morning on my way to work, +unless I deliberately avert my face, I am mortified +to discover that the unpleasant-looking man, with +the rather effeminate, swinging gait, whom I see +mincing along through the crowd, is none other than +myself.</p> + +<p style="text-align: center" class="tei tei-p"><a name="image11" id="image11" class="tei tei-anchor"></a> +<img src="images/image11.png" alt="I am mortified to discover that the unpleasant looking man is none other than myself." class="tei tei-figure" /></p> +<p style="text-align: center" class="tei tei-p">I am mortified to discover that the +unpleasant looking man is none other than myself.</p> + +<p class="tei tei-p">The only good mirror in the list is the one in the +elevator of my clothing-store. There is a subdued +light in the car, a sort of golden glow which softens +and idealizes, and the mirror shows only a two-thirds +length, making it impossible to see how badly the +cuffs on my trousers bag over the tops of my shoes. +Here I become myself again. I have even thought +that I might be handsome if I paid as much attention +to my looks as some men do. In this mirror, my +clothes look (for the last time) as similar clothes +look on well-dressed men. A hat which is in every +<span class="tei-pb" id="page147">[pg 147]</span><a name="Pg147" id="Pg147" class="tei tei-anchor"></a>respect perfect when seen here, immediately becomes +a senatorial sombrero when I step out into the street, +but for the brief space of time while I am in that elevator, +I am the <span style="font-style: italic" class="tei tei-hi">distingué</span>, clean-cut, splendid figure of +a man that the original blue-prints called for. I wonder +if it takes much experience to run an elevator, for if +it doesn't, I would like to make my life-work running +that car with the magic mirror.<span class="tei-pb" id="page148">[pg 148]</span><a name="Pg148" id="Pg148" class="tei tei-anchor"></a></p> +</div> + +<hr class="page" /> + +<div class="tei tei-div"> +<a name="toc_49" id="toc_49"></a> +<h1 class="tei tei-head">XXIX—THE POWER OF THE PRESS</h1> + +<p class="tei tei-p">The Police Commissioner of New York City +explains the wave of crime in that city by +blaming the newspapers. The newspapers, he says, +are constantly printing accounts of robberies and +murders, and these accounts simply encourage other +criminals to come to New York and do the same. +If the papers would stop giving all this publicity to +crime, the crooks might forget that there was such +a thing. As it is, they read about it in their newspapers +every morning, and sooner or later have to +go out and try it for themselves.</p> + +<p class="tei tei-p">This is a terrible thought, but suggests a convenient +alibi for other errant citizens. Thus we +may read the following NEWS NOTES:</p> + +<p class="tei tei-p">Benjamin W. Gleam, age forty-two, of 1946 +Ruby Avenue, The Bronx, was arrested last night +for appearing in the Late Byzantine Room of the +Museum of Fine Arts clad only in a suit of medium-weight +underwear. When questioned Gleam said +that he had seen so many pictures in the newspaper +advertisements of respectable men and women going +<span class="tei-pb" id="page149">[pg 149]</span><a name="Pg149" id="Pg149" class="tei tei-anchor"></a>about in their underwear, drinking tea, jumping hurdles and holding family +reunions, that he simply +couldn't stand it any longer, and had to try it for +himself. "The newspapers did it," he is quoted as +saying.</p> + +<p class="tei tei-p">Mrs. Leonia M. Eggcup, who was arrested yesterday on the charge of bigamy, +issued a statement today through her attorneys, Wine, Women and Song.</p> + +<p class="tei tei-p">"I am charged with having eleven husbands, all living +in various parts of the +United States," reads +the statement. "This charge is correct. But before +I pay the extreme penalty, I want to have the +public understand that I am not to blame. It is +the fault of the press of this country. Day after +day I read the list of marriages in my morning +paper. Day after day I saw people after people +getting married. Finally the thing got into my +blood, and although I was married at the time, I +felt that I simply had to be married again. Then, +no sooner would I become settled in my new home, +than the constant incitement to further matrimonial +ventures would come through the columns of the +daily press. I fell, it is true, but if there is any +justice in this land, it will be the newspapers and +not I who will suffer."<span class="tei-pb" id="page150">[pg 150]</span><a name="Pg150" id="Pg150" class="tei tei-anchor"></a></p> +</div> + +<hr class="page" /> + +<div class="tei tei-div"> +<a name="toc_50" id="toc_50"></a> +<h1 class="tei tei-head">XXX—HOME FOR THE HOLIDAYS</h1> + +<p class="tei tei-p">As a pretty tribute to that element of our population which +is under twenty-two years of age, these are called "the Holidays."</p> + +<p class="tei tei-p">This is the only chance that the janitors of the schools +and colleges have to +soak the floors of the +recitation halls with oil to catch the dust of the next +semester, and while this is being done there is nothing +to do with the students but to send them home +for a week or two. Thus it happened that the +term "holidays" is applied to that period of the +year when everybody else is working just twice as +hard and twice as long during the week to make up +for that precious day which must be lost to the Sales +Campaign or the Record Output on Christmas Day.</p> + +<p class="tei tei-p">For those who are home from school and college it is called, in the +catalogues of their institutions, +a "recess" or "vacation," and the general impression +is allowed to get abroad among the parents +that it is to be a period of rest and recuperation. +Arthur and Alice have been working so hard at +school or college that two weeks of good quiet home-life +<span class="tei-pb" id="page151">[pg 151]</span><a name="Pg151" id="Pg151" class="tei tei-anchor"></a>and home cooking will put them right on their +feet again, ready to pitch into that chemistry course +in which, owing to an incompetent instructor, they +did not do very well last term.</p> + +<p class="tei tei-p">That the theory of rest during vacation is fallacious +can be proved by hiding in the coat closet of +the home of any college or school youth home for +Christmas recess. Admission to the coat closet may +be forced by making yourself out to be a government +official or an inspector of gas meters. Once +hidden among the overshoes, you will overhear the +following little earnest drama, entitled "Home for +the Holidays."</p> + +<p class="tei tei-p">There was a banging of the front door, and Edgar +has arrived. A round of kisses, an exchange of +health reports, and Edgar is bounding upstairs.</p> + +<p class="tei tei-p">"Dinner in half an hour," says Mother.</p> + +<p class="tei tei-p">"Sorry," shouts Edgar from the bath-tub, "but +I've got to go out to the Whortleberry's to a dinner +dance. Got the bid last week. Say, have I got any +dress-studs at home here? Mine are in my trunk."</p> + +<p class="tei tei-p">Father's studs are requisitioned and the family +cluster at Edgar's door to slide in a few conversational +phrases while he is getting the best of his +dress shirt.</p> + +<p class="tei tei-p">"How have you been?" (Three guesses as to +who it is that asks this.)<span class="tei-pb" id="page152">[pg 152]</span><a name="Pg152" id="Pg152" class="tei tei-anchor"></a></p> + +<p class="tei tei-p">"Oh, all right. Say, have I got any pumps at home? Mine are +in the trunk. Where are those +old ones I had last summer?"</p> + +<p class="tei tei-p">"Don't you want me to tie your tie for you?" (Two guesses as to who it is +that asks this.)</p> + +<p class="tei tei-p">"No, thanks. Can I get my laundry done by tomorrow night? +I've got to go out to the Clamps' +at Short Neck for over the week-end to a bob-sledding +party, and when I get back from there +Mrs. Dibble is giving a dinner and theatre party."</p> + +<p class="tei tei-p">"Don't you want to eat a little dinner here +before you go to the Whortleberry's?" (One guess +as to who it is that asks this.)</p> + +<p class="tei tei-p">But Edgar has bounded down the stairs and left +the Family to comfort each other with such observations +as "He looks tired," "I think that he has +filled out a little," or "I wonder if he's studying +too hard."</p> + +<p class="tei tei-p">You might stay in the coat-closet for the entire +two weeks and not hear much more of Edgar than +this. His parents don't. They catch him as he is +going up and down stairs and while he is putting +the studs into his shirt, and are thankful for that. +They really get into closer touch with him while +he is at college, for he writes them a weekly letter +then.</p> + +<p class="tei tei-p">Nerve-racking as this sort of life is to the youth +<span class="tei-pb" id="page153">[pg 153]</span><a name="Pg153" id="Pg153" class="tei tei-anchor"></a>who is supposed to be resting during his vacation, +it might be even more wearing if he were to stay +within the Family precincts. Once in a while one +of the parties for which he has been signed up falls +through, and he is forced to spend the evening at +home. At first it is somewhat embarrassing to be +thrown in with strangers for a meal like that, but, +as the evening wears on, the ice is broken and +things assume a more easy swing. The Family begins +to make remarks.</p> + +<p class="tei tei-p">"You must stand up straighter, my boy," says +Father, placing his hand between Edgar's shoulder-blades. +"You are slouching badly. I noticed it as +you walked down the street this morning."</p> + +<p class="tei tei-p">"Do all the boys wear soft-collared shirts like +that?" asks Mother. "Personally, I think that they +look very untidy. They are all right for tennis +and things like that, but I wish you'd put on a +starched collar when you are in the house. You +never see Elmer Quiggly wearing a collar like that. +He always looks neat."</p> + +<p class="tei tei-p">"For heaven's sake, Eddie," says Sister, "take +off that tie. You certainly do get the most terrific-looking +things to put around your neck. It looks +like a Masonic apron. Let me go with you when +you buy your next batch."</p> + +<p class="tei tei-p">By this time Edgar has his back against the wall +<span class="tei-pb" id="page154">[pg 154]</span><a name="Pg154" id="Pg154" class="tei tei-anchor"></a>and is breathing hard. What do these folks know +of what is being done?</p> + +<p class="tei tei-p">If it is not family heckling it may be that even +more insidious trial, the third degree. This is usually +inflicted by semi-relatives and neighbors. The +formulæ are something like this:</p> + +<p class="tei tei-p">"Well, how do you like your school?"</p> + +<p class="tei tei-p">"I suppose you have plenty of time for pranks, +eh?"</p> + +<p class="tei tei-p">"What a good time you boys must have! It isn't +so much what you get out of books that will help +you in after life, I have found, but the friendships +made in college. Meeting so many boys from all +parts of the country—why, it's a liberal education +in itself."</p> + +<p class="tei tei-p">"What was the matter with the football team +this season?"</p> + +<p class="tei tei-p">"Let's see, how many more years have you? +What, only one more! Well, well, and I can remember +you when you were that high, and used to +come over to my house wearing a little green dress, +with big mother-of-pearl buttons. You certainly +were a cute little boy, and used to call our cook +'Sna-sna.' And here you are, almost a senior."</p> + +<p style="text-align: center" class="tei tei-p"><a name="image12" id="image12" class="tei tei-anchor"></a> +<img src="images/image12.png" alt=""I can remember you when you were that high."" class="tei tei-figure" /></p> +<p style="text-align: center" class="tei tei-p">"I can remember you when you were that high."</p> + +<p class="tei tei-p">"Oh, are you 1924? I wonder if you know a +fellow named—er—Mellish—Spencer Mellish? +I met him at the beach last summer. I am pretty +<span class="tei-pb" id="page155">[pg 155]</span><a name="Pg155" id="Pg155" class="tei tei-anchor"></a>sure that he is in your class—well, no, maybe it +was 1918."</p> + +<p class="tei tei-p">After an hour or two of this Edgar is willing to +go back to college and take an extra course in Blacksmithing, Chipping and +Filing, given during the +Christmas vacation, rather than run the risk of getting +caught again. And, whichever way you look +at it, whether he spends his time getting into and +out of his evening clothes, or goes crazy answering +questions and defending his mode of dress, it all +adds up to the same in the end—fatigue and depletion +and what the doctor would call "a general +run-down nervous condition."</p> + +<p class="tei tei-p"></p> + +<p class="tei tei-p">The younger you are the more frayed you get. +Little Wilbur comes home from school, where he +has been put to bed at 8:30 every night with the +rest of the fifth form boys: and has had to brush +his hair in the presence of the head-master's wife, +and dives into what might be called a veritable +maelstrom of activity. From a diet of cereal and +fruit-whips, he is turned loose in the butler's pantry +among the maraschino cherries and given a free rein +at the various children's parties, where individual +pound-cake Santas and brandied walnuts are followed +by an afternoon at "Treasure Island," with +the result that he comes home and insists on tipping +<span class="tei-pb" id="page156">[pg 156]</span><a name="Pg156" id="Pg156" class="tei tei-anchor"></a>every one in the family the black spot and breaks +the cheval glass when he is denied going to the six-day +bicycle race at two in the morning.</p> + +<p class="tei tei-p"></p> + +<p class="tei tei-p">Little girls do practically the same, and, if they +are over fourteen, go back to school with the added +burden of an <span style="font-style: italic" class="tei tei-hi">affaire de coeur</span> contracted during the +recess. In general, it takes about a month or two +of good, hard schooling and overstudy to put the +child back on its feet after the Christmas rest at +home.</p> + +<p class="tei tei-p"></p> + +<p class="tei tei-p">Which leads us to the conclusion that our educational +system is all wrong. It is obvious that the +child should be kept at home for eight months out +of the year and sent to school for the vacations.<span class="tei-pb" id="page157">[pg 157]</span><a name="Pg157" id="Pg157" class="tei tei-anchor"></a></p> +</div> + +<hr class="page" /> + +<div class="tei tei-div"> +<a name="toc_51" id="toc_51"></a> +<h1 class="tei tei-head">XXXI—HOW TO UNDERSTAND INTERNATIONAL FINANCE</h1> + +<p class="tei tei-p">It is high time that someone came out with a +clear statement of the international financial +situation. For weeks and weeks officials have been +rushing about holding conferences and councils and +having their pictures taken going up and down the +steps of buildings. Then, after each conference, +the newspapers have printed a lot of figures showing +the latest returns on how much Germany owes +the bank. And none of it means anything.</p> + +<p class="tei tei-p">Now there is a certain principle which has to +be followed in all financial discussions involving +sums over one hundred dollars. There is probably +not more than one hundred dollars in actual cash in +circulation today. That is, if you were to call in +all the bills and silver and gold in the country at +noon tomorrow and pile them up on the table, you +would find that you had just about one hundred +dollars, with perhaps several Canadian pennies and +a few peppermint life-savers. All the rest of the +money you hear about doesn't exist. It is conversation-money. +<span class="tei-pb" id="page158">[pg 158]</span><a name="Pg158" id="Pg158" class="tei tei-anchor"></a>When you hear of a transaction +involving $50,000,000 it means that one firm wrote +"50,000,000" on a piece of paper and gave it to +another firm, and the other firm took it home and +said "Look, Momma, I got $50,000,000!" But +when Momma asked for a dollar and a quarter out +of it to pay the man who washed the windows, the +answer probably was that the firm hadn't got more +than seventy cents in cash.</p> + +<p class="tei tei-p">This is the principle of finance. So long as you +can pronounce any number above a thousand, you +have got that much money. You can't work this +scheme with the shoe-store man or the restaurant-owner, +but it goes big on Wall St. or in international +financial circles.</p> + +<p class="tei tei-p">This much understood, we see that when the +Allies demand 132,000,000,000 gold marks from +Germany they know very well that nobody in Germany +has ever seen 132,000,000,000 gold marks +and never will. A more surprised and disappointed +lot of boys you couldn't ask to see than the Supreme +Financial Council would be if Germany were actually +to send them a money-order for the full amount +demanded.</p> + +<p class="tei tei-p">What they mean is that, taken all in all, Germany +owes the world 132,000,000,000 gold marks plus +carfare. This includes everything, breakage, meals +<span class="tei-pb" id="page159">[pg 159]</span><a name="Pg159" id="Pg159" class="tei tei-anchor"></a>sent to room, good will, everything. Now, it is +understood that if they really meant this, Germany +couldn't even draw cards; so the principle on which +the thing is figured out is as follows: (Watch this +closely; there is a trick in it).</p> + +<p class="tei tei-p">You put down a lot of figures, like this. Any +figures will do, so long as you can't read them +quickly:</p> + +<p class="tei tei-p">132,000,000,000 gold marks</p> + +<p class="tei tei-p">$33,000,000,000 on a current value basis</p> + +<p class="tei tei-p">$21,000,000,000 on reparation account plus 12-1/2% +yearly tax on German exports</p> + +<p class="tei tei-p">11,000,000,000 gold fish</p> + +<p class="tei tei-p">$1.35 amusement tax</p> + +<p class="tei tei-p">866,000 miles. Diameter of the sun</p> + +<p class="tei tei-p">2,000,000,000</p> + +<p class="tei tei-p">27,000,000,000</p> + +<p class="tei tei-p">31,000,000,000</p> + +<p class="tei tei-p">Then you add them together and subtract the +number you first thought of. This leaves 11. And +the card you hold in your hand is the seven of +diamonds. Am I right?<span class="tei-pb" id="page160">[pg 160]</span><a name="Pg160" id="Pg160" class="tei tei-anchor"></a></p> +</div> + +<hr class="page" /> + +<div class="tei tei-div"> +<a name="toc_52" id="toc_52"></a> +<h1 class="tei tei-head">XXXII—'TWAS THE NIGHT BEFORE SUMMER</h1> + +<h1 style="font-size: 85%" class="tei tei-head">(<span style="font-style: italic" class="tei tei-hi">An Imaginary Watch-Night with the Weather Man</span>)</h1> + +<p class="tei tei-p">It was 11 o'clock on the night of June 20. We +were seated in the office of the Weather Bureau +on the twenty-ninth floor of the Whitehall Building, +the Weather Man and I, and we were waiting +for summer to come. It was officially due on +June 21. We had the almanac's word for it and +years and years of precedent, but still the Weather +Man was skeptical.</p> + +<p class="tei tei-p">It had been a hard spring for the Weather Man. +Day after day he had been forced to run a signed +statement in the daily papers to the effect that some +time during that day there would probably be +showers. And day after day, with a ghastly +consistency, his prophecy had come true. People had +come to dislike him personally; old jokes about +him were brought out and oiled and given a trial +spin down the road a piece before appearing in +funny columns and vaudeville skits, and the sporting +<span class="tei-pb" id="page161">[pg 161]</span><a name="Pg161" id="Pg161" class="tei tei-anchor"></a>writers, frenzied by the task of filling their +space with nothing but tables of batting averages, +had become positively libellous.</p> + +<p class="tei tei-p">And now summer was at hand, and with it the +promise of the sun. The Weather Man nibbled +at his thumb nail. The clock on the wall said +11:15.</p> + +<p class="tei tei-p">"It just couldn't go back on us now," he said, +plaintively, "when it means so much to us. It +always <span style="font-style: italic" class="tei tei-hi">has</span> come on the 21st."</p> + +<p class="tei tei-p">There was not much that I could say. I didn't +want to hold out any false hope, for I am a child +in arms in matters of astronomy, or whatever it is +that makes weather.</p> + +<p class="tei tei-p">"I often remember hearing my father tell," I +ventured, "how every year on the 21st of June +summer always used to come, rain or shine, until +they came to look for it on that date, and to count +from then as the beginning of the season. It seems +as if"—</p> + +<p class="tei tei-p">"I know," he interrupted, "but there have been +so many upsetting things during the past twelve +months. We can't check up this year by any other +years. All we can do is wait and see."</p> + +<p class="tei tei-p">A gust of wind from Jersey ran along the side +of the building, shaking at the windows. The +Weather Man shuddered, and looked out of the +<span class="tei-pb" id="page162">[pg 162]</span><a name="Pg162" id="Pg162" class="tei tei-anchor"></a>corner of his eye at the anemometer-register which +stood on a table in the middle of the room. It +indicated whatever anemometers do indicate when +they want to register bad news. I considerately +looked out at the window.</p> + +<p class="tei tei-p">"You've no idea," he said at last, in a low voice, +"of how this last rainy spell has affected my home +life. For the first two or three days, although I +got dark looks from slight acquaintances, there +was always a cheery welcome waiting for me when +I got home, and the Little Woman would say, +'Never mind, Ray, it will soon be pleasant, and +we all know that it's not your fault, anyway.'</p> + +<p class="tei tei-p">"But then, after a week had passed and there +had been nothing but rain and showers and rain, +I began to notice a change. When I would swing +in at the gate she would meet me and say, in a +far-away voice, 'Well, what is it for to-morrow?' +And I would have to say 'Probably cloudy, with +occasional showers and light easterly gales.' At +which she would turn away and bite her lip, and +once I thought I saw her eye-lashes wet.</p> + +<p class="tei tei-p">"Then, one night, the break came. It had +started out to be a perfect day, just such as one +reads about, but along about noon it began to cloud +over and soon the rain poured down in rain-gauges-full.</p> + +<p style="text-align: center" class="tei tei-p"><a name="image13" id="image13" class="tei tei-anchor"></a> +<img src="images/image13.png" alt="She would turn away and bite her lip." class="tei tei-figure" /></p> +<p style="text-align: center" class="tei tei-p">She would turn away and bite her lip.<span class="tei-pb" id="page163">[pg 163]</span><a name="Pg163" id="Pg163" class="tei tei-anchor"></a></p> + +<p class="tei tei-p">"I was all discouraged, and as I wrote out the +forecast for the papers, 'Rain to-morrow and +Friday,' I felt like giving the whole thing up and +going back to Vermont to live.</p> + +<p class="tei tei-p">"When I got home, Alice was there with her +things on, waiting for me.</p> + +<p class="tei tei-p">"'You needn't tell me what it's going to be +to-morrow,' she sobbed. 'I know. Every one +knows. The whole world knows. I used to think +that it wasn't your fault, but when the children +come home from school crying because they have +been plagued for being the Weather Man's children, +when every time I go out I know that the +neighbors are talking behind my back and saying +"How does she stand it?" when every paper I +read, every bulletin I see, stares me in the face +with great letters saying, "Weather Man predicts +more rain," or "Lynch the Weather Man and let +the baseball season go on," then I think it is time +for us to come to an understanding. I am going +over to mother's until you can do better.'"</p> + +<p class="tei tei-p">The Weather Man got up and went to the window. +Out there over the Battery there was a spot +casting a sickly glow through the cloud-banks +which filled the sky.</p> + +<p class="tei tei-p">"That's the moon up there behind the fog," he +said, and laughed a bitter cackle.<span class="tei-pb" id="page164">[pg 164]</span><a name="Pg164" id="Pg164" class="tei tei-anchor"></a></p> + +<p class="tei tei-p">It was now 11:45. The thermograph was writing +busily in red ink on the little diagrammed cuff +provided for that purpose, writing all about the +temperature. The Weather Man inspected the fine, +jagged line as it leaked out of the pen on the chart. +Then he walked over to the window again and +stood looking out over the bay.</p> + +<p class="tei tei-p">"You'd think that people would have a little +gratitude," he said in a low voice, "and not hit at +a man who has done so much for them. If it +weren't for me where would the art of American +conversation be to-day? If there were no weather +to talk about, how could there be any dinner parties +or church sociables or sidewalk chats?</p> + +<p class="tei tei-p">"All I have to do is put out a real scorcher or +a continued cold snap, and I can drive off the +boards the biggest news story that was ever launched +or draw the teeth out of the most delicate international +situation.</p> + +<p class="tei tei-p">"I have saved more reputations and social +functions than any other influence in American +life, and yet here, when the home office sends me a +rummy lot of weather, over which I have no control, +everybody jumps on me."</p> + +<p class="tei tei-p">He pulled savagely at the window shade and +pressed his nose against the pane in silence for a +while.<span class="tei-pb" id="page165">[pg 165]</span><a name="Pg165" id="Pg165" class="tei tei-anchor"></a></p> + +<p class="tei tei-p">There was no sound but the ticking of the +anemometer and the steady scratching of the thermograph. +I looked at the clock. 11:47.</p> + +<p class="tei tei-p">Suddenly the telegraph over in the corner +snapped like a bunch of firecrackers. In a second +the Weather Man was at its side, taking down the +message:</p> + +<p class="tei tei-p">NEW ORLEANS, LA NHRUFKYOTLDMRELPWZWOTUDK +HEAVY PRECIPITATION +SOUTH WESTERLY GALES LETTER FOLLOWS</p> + +<p class="tei tei-p">NEW ORLEANS U S WEATHER BUREAU</p> + +<p class="tei tei-p">"Poor fellow," muttered the Weather Man, who +even in his own tense excitement did not forget the +troubles of his brother weather prophet in New +Orleans, "I know just how he feels. I hope he's +not married."</p> + +<p class="tei tei-p">He glanced at the clock. It was 11:56. In four +minutes summer would be due, and with summer +a clearer sky, renewed friendships and a united +family for the Weather Man. If it failed him—I +dreaded to think of what might happen. It was +twenty-nine floors to the pavement below, and I +am not a powerful man physically.</p> + +<p class="tei tei-p">Together we sat at the table by the thermograph +and watched the red line draw mountain ranges +<span class="tei-pb" id="page166">[pg 166]</span><a name="Pg166" id="Pg166" class="tei tei-anchor"></a>along the 50 degree line. From our seats we could +look out over the Statue of Liberty and see the +cloud-dimmed glow which told of a censored moon. +The Weather Man was making nervous little pokes +at his collar, as if it had a rough edge that was +cutting his neck.</p> + +<p class="tei tei-p">Suddenly he gripped the table. Somewhere a +clock was beginning to strike twelve. I shut my +eyes and waited.</p> + +<p class="tei tei-p">Ten-eleven-twelve!</p> + +<p class="tei tei-p">"Look, Newspaper Man, look!" he shrieked and +grabbed me by the tie.</p> + +<p class="tei tei-p">I opened my eyes and looked at the thermograph. +At the last stroke of the clock the red line had given +a little, final quaver on the 50 degree line and then +had shot up like a rocket until it struck 72 degrees +and lay there trembling and heaving like a runner +after a race.</p> + +<p class="tei tei-p">But it was not at this that the Weather Man +was pointing. There, out in the murky sky, the +stroke of twelve had ripped apart the clouds and +a large, milk-fed moon was fairly crashing its way +through, laying out a straight-away course of silver +cinders across the harbor, and in all parts of the +heavens stars were breaking out like a rash. In +two minutes it had become a balmy, languorous +night. Summer had come!<span class="tei-pb" id="page167">[pg 167]</span><a name="Pg167" id="Pg167" class="tei tei-anchor"></a></p> + +<p class="tei tei-p">I turned to the Weather Man. He was wiping +the palms of his hands on his hips and looking +foolishly happy. I said nothing. There was +nothing that could be said.</p> + +<p class="tei tei-p">Before we left the office he stopped to write out +the prophecy for Wednesday, June 21, the First Day +of Summer. "Fair and warmer, with slowly rising +temperatur." His hand trembled so as he wrote +that he forgot the final "e". Then we went out and +he turned toward his home.</p> + +<p class="tei tei-p">On Wednesday, June 21, it rained.<span class="tei-pb" id="page168">[pg 168]</span><a name="Pg168" id="Pg168" class="tei tei-anchor"></a></p> +</div> + +<hr class="page" /> + +<div class="tei tei-div"> +<a name="toc_53" id="toc_53"></a> +<h1 class="tei tei-head">XXXIII—WELCOME HOME—AND SHUT UP!</h1> + +<p class="tei tei-p"> +There are a few weeks which bid fair to be +pretty trying ones in our national life. They +will mark the return to the city of thousands and +thousands of vacationists after two months or two +weeks of feverish recuperation and there is probably +no more obnoxious class of citizen, taken end for +end, than the returning vacationist.</p> + +<p class="tei tei-p">In the first place, they are all so offensively +healthy. They come crashing through the train-shed, +all brown and peeling, as if their health were +something they had acquired through some particular +credit to themselves. If it were possible, some +of them would wear their sun-burned noses on their +watch-chains, like Phi Beta Kappa keys.</p> + +<p class="tei tei-p">They have got so used to going about all summer +in bathing suits and shirts open at the neck that +they look like professional wrestlers in stiff collars +and seem to be on the point of bursting out at any +minute. And they always make a great deal of +noise getting off the train.</p> + +<p class="tei tei-p">"Where's Bessie?" they scream, "Ned, where's +<span class="tei-pb" id="page169">[pg 169]</span><a name="Pg169" id="Pg169" class="tei tei-anchor"></a>Bessie?... Have you got the thermos bottles?... +Well, here's the old station just as it was when +we left it (hysterical laughter).... Wallace, you +simply must carry your pail and shovel. Mamma +can't carry <span style="font-style: italic" class="tei tei-hi">everything</span>, you know.... Mamma +told you that if you wanted to bring your pail and +shovel home you would have to carry it yourself, +don't you remember Mamma told you that, Wallace?... +Wallace, listen!... Edna, have you +got Bessie?... Harry's gone after the trunks.... +At least, he <span style="font-style: italic" class="tei tei-hi">said</span> that was where he was going.... +Look, there's the Dexter Building, looking +just the same. Big as life and twice as natural.... +I know, Wallace, Mamma's just as hot as you are. +But you don't hear Mamma crying do you?... I +wonder where Bert is.... He said he'd be down +to meet us sure.... Here, give me that cape, Lillian.... +You're dragging it all over the ground.... +<span style="font-style: italic" class="tei tei-hi">Here's Bert!... Whoo-hoo, Bert</span>!... +Here we are!... Spencer, there's Daddy!... +Whoo-hoo, Daddy!... Junior, wipe that gum off +your shoe this minute.... <span style="font-style: italic" class="tei tei-hi">Where's Bessie</span>?"</p> + +<p class="tei tei-p">And so they go, all the way out into the street +and the cab and home, millions of them. It's +terrible.</p> + +<p class="tei tei-p">And when they get home things are just about as +bad, except there aren't so many people to see them. +<span class="tei-pb" id="page170">[pg 170]</span><a name="Pg170" id="Pg170" class="tei tei-anchor"></a>At the sight of eight Sunday and sixty-two daily papers +strewn over the front porch and lawn, there are +loud screams of imprecation at Daddy for having +forgotten to order them stopped. Daddy insists +that he did order them stopped and that it is that +damn fool boy.</p> + +<p class="tei tei-p">"I guess you weren't home much during July," +says Mamma bitterly, "or you would have noticed +that something was wrong." (Daddy didn't join +the family until August.)</p> + +<p class="tei tei-p">"There were no papers delivered during +July," says Daddy very firmly and quietly, +"at least, I didn't see any." (Stepping on one +dated July 19.)</p> + +<p class="tei tei-p">The inside of the house resembles some place +you might bet a man a hundred dollars he daren't +spend the night in. Dead men's feet seem to be +protruding from behind sofas and there is a damp +smell as if the rooms had been closed pending the +arrival of the coroner.</p> + +<p class="tei tei-p">Junior runs upstairs to see if his switching engine +is where he left it and comes falling down stairs +panting with terror announcing that there is Something +in the guest-room. At that moment there is +a sound of someone leaving the house by the back +door. Daddy is elected by popular vote to go upstairs +and see what has happened, although he insists +<span class="tei-pb" id="page171">[pg 171]</span><a name="Pg171" id="Pg171" class="tei tei-anchor"></a>that he has to wait down stairs as the man with +the trunks will be there at any minute. After five +minutes of cagey manoeuvering around in the hall +outside the guest-room door, he returns looking for +Junior, saying that it was simply a pile of things +left on the bed covered with a sheet. "Aha-ha-ha-ha-ha!"</p> + +<p class="tei tei-p">Then comes the unpacking. It has been estimated +that in the trunks of returning vacationists, +taking this section of the country as a whole, the +following articles will be pulled out during the next few weeks:</p> + +<p class="tei tei-p">Sneakers, full of sand.</p> + +<p class="tei tei-p">Bathing suits, still damp from the "one last +swim."</p> + +<p class="tei tei-p">Dead tennis balls.</p> + +<p class="tei tei-p">Last month's magazines, bought for reading in the +grove.</p> + +<p class="tei tei-p">Shells and pretty stones picked up on the beach +for decoration purposes, for which there has suddenly +become no use at all.</p> + +<p class="tei tei-p">Horse-shoe crabs, salvaged by children who refused +to leave them behind.</p> + +<p class="tei tei-p">Lace scarfs and shawls, bought from itinerant +Armenians.</p> + +<p class="tei tei-p">Remnants of tubes formerly containing sunburn +<span class="tei-pb" id="page172">[pg 172]</span><a name="Pg172" id="Pg172" class="tei tei-anchor"></a>ointment, half-filled bottles of citronella and white +shoe-dressing.</p> + +<p class="tei tei-p">White flannel trousers, ready for the cleaners.</p> + +<p class="tei tei-p">Snap-shots, showing Ed and Mollie on the beach +in their bathing suits.</p> + +<p class="tei tei-p">Snap-shots which show nothing at all.</p> + +<p class="tei tei-p">Faded flowers, dance-cards and assorted sentimental +objects, calculated to bring up tender memories +of summer evenings.</p> + +<p class="tei tei-p">Uncompleted knit-sweaters.</p> + +<p class="tei tei-p">Then begins the tour of the neighborhood, comparing +summer-vacation experiences. To each returning +vacationist it seems as if everyone in town +must be interested in what he or she did during the +summer. They stop perfect strangers on the streets +and say: "Well, a week ago today at this time we +were all walking up to the Post-Office for the mail. +Right out in front of the Post-Office were the fish-houses +and you ought to have seen Billy one night +leading a lobster home on a string. That was the +night we all went swimming by moon-light."</p> + +<p class="tei tei-p">"Yeah?" says the stranger, and pushes his way +past.</p> + +<p class="tei tei-p">Then two people get together who have been to +different places. Neither wants to hear about the +other's summer—and neither does. Both talk at +<span class="tei-pb" id="page173">[pg 173]</span><a name="Pg173" id="Pg173" class="tei tei-anchor"></a>once and pull snap-shots out of their pockets.</p> + +<p class="tei tei-p">"Here's where we used to take our lunch—"</p> + +<p class="tei tei-p">"That's nothing. Steve had a friend up the lake +who had a launch—"</p> + +<p class="tei tei-p">"—and everyday there was something doing over +at the Casino—"</p> + +<p class="tei tei-p">"—and you ought to have seen Miriam, she was +a sight—"</p> + +<p class="tei tei-p">Pretty soon they come to blows trying to make +each other listen. The only trouble is they never +quite kill each other. If only one could be killed +it would be a great help.</p> + +<p class="tei tei-p">The next ban on immigration should be on returning +vacationists. Have government officials +stationed in each city and keep everyone out who +won't give a bond to shut up and go right to work.<span class="tei-pb" id="page174">[pg 174]</span><a name="Pg174" id="Pg174" class="tei tei-anchor"></a></p> +</div> + +<hr class="page" /> + +<div class="tei tei-div"> +<a name="toc_54" id="toc_54"></a> +<h1 class="tei tei-head">XXXIV—ANIMAL STORIES - I</h1> + +<h1 style="font-size: 85%" class="tei tei-head"><span style="font-style: italic" class="tei tei-hi">How Georgie Dog Gets the Rubbers on the Guest Room Bed</span></h1> + +<p class="tei tei-p">Old Mother Nature gathered all her little +pupils about her for the daily lesson in "How +the Animals Do the Things They Do." Every day +Waldo Lizard, Edna Elephant and Lawrence +Walrus came to Mother Nature's school, and there +learned all about the useless feats performed by +their brother and sister animals.</p> + +<p class="tei tei-p">"Today," said Mother Nature, "we shall find +out how it is that Georgie Dog manages to get the +muddy rubbers from the hall closet, up the stairs, +and onto the nice white bedspread in the guest +room. You must be sure to listen carefully and +pay strict attention to what Georgie Dog says. +Only, don't take too much of it seriously, for +Georgie is an awful liar."</p> + +<p class="tei tei-p">And, sure enough, in came Georgie Dog, wagging +his entire torso in a paroxysm of camaradarie, although +<span class="tei-pb" id="page175">[pg 175]</span><a name="Pg175" id="Pg175" class="tei tei-anchor"></a>everyone knew that he had no use for Waldo +Lizard.</p> + +<p class="tei tei-p">"Tell us, Georgie," said Mother Nature, "how +do you do your clever work of rubber-dragging? +We would like so much to know. Wouldn't we, +children?"</p> + +<p class="tei tei-p">"No, Mother Nature!" came the instant response +from the children.</p> + +<p class="tei tei-p">So Georgie Dog began.</p> + +<p class="tei tei-p">"Well, I'll tell you; it's this way," he said, snapping +at a fly. "You have to be very niftig about +it. First of all, I lie by the door of the hall closet +until I see a nice pair of muddy rubbers kicked +into it."</p> + +<p class="tei tei-p">"How muddy ought they to be?" asked Edna +Elephant, although little enough use she would have +for the information.</p> + +<p class="tei tei-p">"I am glad that you asked that question," replied +Georgie. "Personally; I like to have mud on +them about the consistency of gurry—that is, not +too wet—because then it will all drip off on the +way upstairs, and not so dry that it scrapes off on +the carpet. For we must save it all for the bedspread, +you know.</p> + +<p class="tei tei-p">"As soon as the rubbers are safely in the hall +closet, I make a great deal of todo about going +into the other room, in order to give the impression +<span class="tei-pb" id="page176">[pg 176]</span><a name="Pg176" id="Pg176" class="tei tei-anchor"></a>that there is nothing interesting enough in the hall +to keep me there. A good, loud yawn helps to +disarm any suspicion of undue excitement. I sometimes +even chew a bit of fringe on the sofa and take +a scolding for it—anything to draw attention from +the rubbers. Then, when everyone is at dinner, I +sneak out and drag them forth."</p> + +<p class="tei tei-p">"And how do you manage to take them both at +once?" piped up Lawrence Walrus.</p> + +<p class="tei tei-p">"I am glad that you asked that question," said +Georgie, "because I was trying to avoid it. You +can never guess what the answer is. It is very +difficult to take two at a time, and so we usually +have to take one and then go back and get the +other. I had a cousin once who knew a grip which +could be worked on the backs of overshoes, by +means of which he could drag two at a time, but +he was an exceptionally fine dragger. He once +took a pair of rubber boots from the barn into the +front room, where a wedding was taking place, and +put them on the bride's train. Of course, not one +dog in a million could hope to do that.</p> + +<p class="tei tei-p">"Once upstairs, it is quite easy getting them into +the guest room, unless the door happens to be shut. +Then what do you think I do? I go around +through the bath-room window onto the roof, and +walk around to the sleeping porch, and climb down +<span class="tei-pb" id="page177">[pg 177]</span><a name="Pg177" id="Pg177" class="tei tei-anchor"></a>into the guest room that way. It is a lot of trouble, +but I think that you will agree with me that the +results are worth it.</p> + +<p class="tei tei-p">"Climbing up on the bed with the rubbers in +my mouth is difficult, but it doesn't make any difference +if some of the mud comes off on the side +of the bedspread. In fact, it all helps in the final +effect. I usually try to smear them around when +I get them at last on the spread, and if I can leave +one of them on the pillow, I feel that it's a pretty +fine little old world, after all. This done, and I +am off."</p> + +<p class="tei tei-p">And Georgie Dog suddenly disappeared in official +pursuit of an automobile going eighty-five miles an +hour.</p> + +<p class="tei tei-p">"So now," said Mother Nature to her little +pupils, "we have heard all about Georgie Dog's +work. To-morrow we may listen to Lillian Mosquito +tell how she makes her voice carry across a +room."<span class="tei-pb" id="page178">[pg 178]</span><a name="Pg178" id="Pg178" class="tei tei-anchor"></a></p> +</div> + +<hr class="page" /> + +<div class="tei tei-div"> +<a name="toc_55" id="toc_55"></a> +<h1 class="tei tei-head">ANIMAL STORIES—</h1> + +<h1 style="font-size: 85%" class="tei tei-head"><span style="font-style: italic" class="tei tei-hi">How Lillian Mosquito Projects Her Voice</span></h1> + +<p class="tei tei-p">All the children came crowding around Mother +Nature one cold, raw afternoon in summer, +crying in unison:</p> + +<p class="tei tei-p">"Oh, Mother Nature, you promised us that you +would tell us how Lillian Mosquito projects her +voice! You promised that you would tell us how +Lillian Mosquito projects her voice!"</p> + +<p class="tei tei-p">"So I did! So I did!" said Mother Nature, +laying down an oak, the leaves of which she was +tipping with scarlet for the fall trade. "And so I +will! So I will!"</p> + +<p class="tei tei-p">At which Waldo Lizard, Edna Elephant and +Lawrence Walrus jumped with imitation joy, for +they had hoped to have an afternoon off.</p> + +<p class="tei tei-p">Mother Nature led them across the fields to the +piazza of a clubhouse on which there was an exposed +ankle belonging to one of the members. +There, as she had expected, they found Lillian Mosquito +having tea.</p> + +<p class="tei tei-p">"Lillian," called Mother Nature, "come off a +minute. I have some little friends here who would +like to know how it is that you manage to hum in +<span class="tei-pb" id="page179">[pg 179]</span><a name="Pg179" id="Pg179" class="tei tei-anchor"></a>such a manner as to give the impression of being +just outside the ear of a person in bed, when +actually you are across the room."</p> + +<p class="tei tei-p">"Will you kindly repeat the question?" said +Lillian flying over to the railing.</p> + +<p class="tei tei-p">"We want to know," said Mother Nature, "how +it is that very often, when you have been fairly +caught, it turns out that you have escaped without +injury."</p> + +<p class="tei tei-p">"I would prefer to answer the question as it +was first put," said Lillian.</p> + +<p class="tei tei-p">So Waldo Lizard, Edna Elephant and Lawrence +Walrus, seeing that there was no way out, cried:</p> + +<p class="tei tei-p">"Yes, yes, Lillian, do tell us."</p> + +<p class="tei tei-p">"First of all, you must know," began Lillian +Mosquito, "that my chief duty is to annoy. Whatever +else I do, however many bites I total in the +course of the evening, I do not consider that I have +'made good' unless I have caused a great deal of +annoyance while doing it. A bite, quietly executed +and not discovered by the victim until morning, +does me no good. It is my duty, and my pleasure, +to play with him before biting, as you have often +heard a cat plays with a mouse, tormenting him with +apprehension and making him struggle to defend +himself.... If I am using too long words for you, +please stop me."<span class="tei-pb" id="page180">[pg 180]</span><a name="Pg180" id="Pg180" class="tei tei-anchor"></a></p> + +<p class="tei tei-p">"Stop!" cried Waldo Lizard, reaching for his +hat, with the idea of possibly getting to the ball +park by the fifth inning.</p> + +<p class="tei tei-p">But he was prevented from leaving by kindly old +Mother Nature, who stepped on him with her kindly +old heel, and Lillian Mosquito continued:</p> + +<p class="tei tei-p">"I must therefore, you see, be able to use my +little voice with great skill. Of course, the first thing +to do is to make my victim think that I am nearer +to him than I really am. To do this, I sit quite +still, let us say, on the footboard of the bed, and, +beginning to hum in a very, very low tone of voice, +increase the volume and raise the pitch gradually, +thereby giving the effect of approaching the pillow.</p> + +<p class="tei tei-p">"The man in bed thinks that he hears me coming +toward his head, and I can often see him, waiting +with clenched teeth until he thinks that I am near +enough to swat. Sometimes I strike a quick little +grace-note, as if I were right above him and about +to make a landing. It is great fun at such times +to see him suddenly strike himself over the ear +(they always think that I am right at their ear), +and then feel carefully between his finger tips to +see if he has caught me. Then, too, there is always +the pleasure of thinking that perhaps he has hurt +himself quite badly by the blow. I have often +known victims of mine to deafen themselves permanently +<span class="tei-pb" id="page181">[pg 181]</span><a name="Pg181" id="Pg181" class="tei tei-anchor"></a>by jarring their eardrums in their wild attempts +to catch me."</p> + +<p class="tei tei-p">"What fun! What fun!" cried Edna Elephant. +"I must try it myself just as soon as ever I get +home."</p> + +<p class="tei tei-p">"It is often a good plan to make believe that you +have been caught after one of the swats," continued +Lillian Mosquito, "and to keep quiet for a while. +It makes him cocky. He thinks that he has demonstrated +the superiority of man over the rest of +the animals. Then he rolls over and starts to sleep. +This is the time to begin work on him again. After +he has slapped himself all over the face and head, +and after he has put on the light and made a search +of the room and then gone back to bed to think up +some new words, that is the time when I usually +bring the climax about.</p> + +<p class="tei tei-p">"Gradually approaching him from the right, I +hum loudly at his ear. Then, suddenly becoming +quiet, I fly silently and quickly around to his neck. +Just as he hits himself on the ear, I bite his neck +and fly away. And, <span style="font-style: italic" class="tei tei-hi">voilà</span>, there you are!"</p> + +<p class="tei tei-p">"How true that is!" said Mother Nature. "<span style="font-style: italic" class="tei tei-hi">Voilà</span>, +there we are!... Come, children, let us go now, +for we must be up bright and early to-morrow to +learn how Lois Hen scratches up the beets and Swiss +chard in the gentlemen's gardens."<span class="tei-pb" id="page182">[pg 182]</span><a name="Pg182" id="Pg182" class="tei tei-anchor"></a></p> +</div> + +<hr class="page" /> + +<div class="tei tei-div"> +<a name="toc_56" id="toc_56"></a> +<h1 class="tei tei-head">XXXV—THE TARIFF UNMASKED</h1> + +<p class="tei tei-p">Let us get this tariff thing cleared up, once +and for all. An explanation is due the American +people, and obviously this is the place to make +it.</p> + +<p class="tei tei-p">Viewing the whole thing, schedule by schedule, +we find it indefensible. In Schedule A alone the +list of necessities on which the tax is to be raised +includes Persian berries, extract of nutgalls and +isinglass. Take isinglass alone. With prices shooting +up in this market, what is to become of our +picture post-cards? Where once for a nickel you +could get a picture of the Woolworth Building +ablaze with lights with the sun setting and the +moon rising in the background, under the proposed +tariff it will easily set you back fifteen cents. This +is all very well for the rich who can get their picture +post-cards at wholesale, but how are the poor to get +their art?</p> + +<p class="tei tei-p">The only justifiable increase in this schedule +is on "blues, in pulp, dried, etc." If this +will serve to reduce the amount of "Those +<span class="tei-pb" id="page183">[pg 183]</span><a name="Pg183" id="Pg183" class="tei tei-anchor"></a>Lonesome-Onesome-Wonesome Blues" and "I've +Got the Left-All-Alone-in-The-Magazine-Reading-Room-of-the-Public-Library +Blues" with which our +popular song market has been flooded for the past +five years, we could almost bring ourselves to vote +for the entire tariff bill as it stands.</p> + +<div class="tei tei-div"> +<h2 class="tei tei-head"><span style="font-style: italic" class="tei tei-hi">Schedule B</span></h2> + +<p class="tei tei-p">Here we find a tremendous increase in the tax +on grindstones. Householders and travelers in general +do not appreciate what this means. It means +that, next year, when you are returning from Europe, +you will have to pay a duty on those Dutch grindstones +that you always bring back to the cousins, a +duty which will make the importation of more +than three prohibitive. This will lead to an orgy of +grindstone smuggling, making it necessary for hitherto +respectable people to become law-breakers by +concealing grindstones about their clothing and in +the trays of their trunks. Think this over.</p> +</div> + +<div class="tei tei-div"> +<h2 class="tei tei-head"><span style="font-style: italic" class="tei tei-hi">Schedule C</span></h2> + +<p class="tei tei-p">Right at the start of this list we find charcoal +bars being boosted. Have our children no rights? +What is a train-ride with children without Hershey's +charcoal bars? Or gypsum? What more picturesque +on a ride through the country-side than a +<span class="tei-pb" id="page184">[pg 184]</span><a name="Pg184" id="Pg184" class="tei tei-anchor"></a>band of gypsum encamped by the road with their +bright colors and gay tambourine playing? Are +these simple folk to be kept out of this country +simply because a Republican tariff insists on raising +the tax on gypsum?</p> +</div> + +<div class="tei tei-div"> +<h2 class="tei tei-head"><span style="font-style: italic" class="tei tei-hi">Schedule D</span></h2> + +<p class="tei tei-p">A way to evade the injustice of this schedule is +in the matter of marble slabs. "Marble slabs, +rubbed" are going to cost more to import than +"marble slabs, unrubbed." What we are planning +to do in this office is to get in a quantity of +unrubbed marble slabs and then rub them ourselves. +A coarse, dry towel is very good for rubbing, they +say.</p> + +<p class="tei tei-p">Any further discussion of the details of this iniquitous +tariff would only enrage us to a point of incoherence. +Perhaps a short list of some of the +things you will have to do without under the new +arrangement will serve to enrage you also:</p> + +<p class="tei tei-p">Senegal gum, buchu leaves, lava tips for burners, +magic lantern strips, spiegeleisen nut washers, +butchers' skewers and gun wads.</p> + +<p class="tei tei-p">Now write to your congressman!<span class="tei-pb" id="page185">[pg 185]</span><a name="Pg185" id="Pg185" class="tei tei-anchor"></a></p> +</div> +</div> + +<hr class="page" /> + +<div class="tei tei-div"> +<a name="toc_57" id="toc_57"></a> +<h1 class="tei tei-head">LITERARY DEPARTMENT<span class="tei-pb" id="page187">[pg 187]</span><a name="Pg187" id="Pg187" class="tei tei-anchor"></a></h1> + +<p class="tei tei-p"></p> +</div> +<div class="tei tei-div"> +<a name="toc_58" id="toc_58"></a> +<h1 class="tei tei-head">XXXVI—"TAKE ALONG A BOOK"</h1> + +<p class="tei tei-p">There seems to be a concerted effort, manifest +in the "Take Along a Book" drive, to +induce vacationists to slip at least one volume into +the trunk before getting Daddy to jump on it.</p> + +<p class="tei tei-p">This is a fine idea, for there is always a space between +the end of the tennis-racquet and the box of +soap in which the shoe-whitening is liable to tip +over unless you jam a book in with it. Any book +will do.</p> + +<p class="tei tei-p">It is usually a book that you have been meaning +to read all Spring, one that you have got so used to +lying about to people who have asked you if you +have read it that you have almost kidded yourself +into believing that you really have read it. You +picture yourself out in the hammock or down on the +rocks, with a pillow under your head and pipe or +a box of candy near at hand, just devouring page +after page of it. The only thing that worries you +is what you will read when you have finished that. +"Oh, well," you think, "there will probably be +some books in the town library. Maybe I can get +<span class="tei-pb" id="page188">[pg 188]</span><a name="Pg188" id="Pg188" class="tei tei-anchor"></a>Gibbon there. This summer will be a good time to +read Gibbon through."</p> + +<p class="tei tei-p">Your trunk doesn't reach the cottage until four +days after you arrive, owing to the ferry-pilots' +strike. You don't get it unpacked down as far as +the layer in which the book is until you have been +there a week.</p> + +<p class="tei tei-p">Then the book is taken out and put on the table. +In transit it has tried to eat its way through a pair +of tramping-boots, with the result that one corner +and the first twenty pages have become dog-eared, +but that won't interfere with its being read.</p> + +<p class="tei tei-p">Several other things do interfere, however. The +nice weather, for instance. You start out from your +room in the morning and somehow or other never +get back to it except when you are in a hurry to get +ready for meals or for bed. You try to read in bed +one night, but you can't seem to fix your sun-burned +shoulders in a comfortable position.</p> + +<p class="tei tei-p">You take the book down to luncheon and leave +it at the table. And you don't miss it for three +days. When you find it again it has large blisters +on page 35 where some water was dropped on it.</p> + +<p class="tei tei-p">Then Mrs. Beatty, who lives in Montclair in the +winter time (no matter where you go for the summer, +you always meet some people who live in Montclair +in the winter), borrows the book, as she has +<span class="tei-pb" id="page189">[pg 189]</span><a name="Pg189" id="Pg189" class="tei tei-anchor"></a>heard so much about it. Two weeks later she brings +it back, and explains that Prince got hold of it one +afternoon and chewed just a little of the back off, +but says that she doesn't think it will be noticed +when the book is in the bookcase.</p> + +<p class="tei tei-p">Back to the table in the bedroom it goes and is +used to keep unanswered post-cards in. It also is +convenient as a backing for cards which you yourself +are writing. And the flyleaf makes an excellent +place for a bridge-score if there isn't any other +paper handy.</p> + +<p class="tei tei-p">When it comes time to pack up for home, you +shake the sand from among the leaves and save out +the book to be read on the train. And you leave it +in the automobile that takes you to the station.</p> + +<p class="tei tei-p">But for all that, "take along a book." It might +rain all summer.<span class="tei-pb" id="page190">[pg 190]</span><a name="Pg190" id="Pg190" class="tei tei-anchor"></a></p> +</div> + +<hr class="page" /> + +<div class="tei tei-div"> +<a name="toc_59" id="toc_59"></a> +<h1 class="tei tei-head">XXXVII—CONFESSIONS OF A CHESS CHAMPION</h1> + +<p class="tei tei-p">With the opening of the baseball season, the +sporting urge stirs in one's blood and we +turn to such books as "My Chess Career," by J.R. +Capablanca. Mr. Capablanca, I gather from his +text, plays chess very well. Wherein he unquestionably +has something on me.</p> + +<p class="tei tei-p">His book is a combination of autobiography and +pictorial examples of difficult games he has participated +in and won. I could understand the autobiographical +part perfectly, but although I have seen +chess diagrams in the evening papers for years, I +never have been able to become nervous over one. +It has always seemed to me that when you have +seen one diagram of a chessboard you have seen +them all. Therefore, I can give only a superficial +review of the technical parts of Mr. Capablanca's +book.</p> + +<p class="tei tei-p"></p> + +<p class="tei tei-p">His personal reminiscences, however, are full of +poignant episodes. For instance, let us take an +<span class="tei-pb" id="page191">[pg 191]</span><a name="Pg191" id="Pg191" class="tei tei-anchor"></a>incident which occurred in his early boyhood when +he found out what sort of man his father really +was—a sombre event in the life of any boy, much +more so for the boy Capablanca.</p> + +<p class="tei tei-p">"I was born in Havana, the capital of the Island +of Cuba," he says, "the 19th of November, 1888. +I was not yet five years old when by accident I +came into my father's private office and found him +playing with another gentleman. I had never seen +a game of chess before; the pieces interested me +and I went the next day to see them play again. +The third day, as I looked on, my father, a very +poor beginner, moved a Knight from a white square +to another white square. His opponent, apparently +not a better player, did not notice it. My father +won, and I proceeded to call him a cheat and to +laugh."</p> + +<p class="tei tei-p">Imagine the feelings of a young boy entering his +father's private office and seeing a man whom he +had been brought up to love and to revere moving +a Knight from one white square to another. It is +a wonder that the boy had the courage to grow up +at all with a start in life like that.</p> + +<p class="tei tei-p"></p> + +<p class="tei tei-p">But he did grow up, and at the age of eight, in +spite of the advice of doctors, he was a frequent +visitor at the Havana Chess Club. As he says in +<span class="tei-pb" id="page192">[pg 192]</span><a name="Pg192" id="Pg192" class="tei tei-anchor"></a>describing this period of his career, "Soon Don +Celso Golmayo, the strongest player there, was unable +to give me a rook." So you can see how good +he was. Don Celso couldn't give him a rook. And +if Don Celso couldn't, who on earth could?</p> + +<p class="tei tei-p">In his introduction, Mr. Capablanca (I wish +that I could get it out of my head that Mr. Capablanca +is possibly a relation of the Casablanca boy +who did the right thing by the burning deck. They +are, of course, two entirely different people)—in +his introduction, Mr. Capablanca says:</p> + +<p class="tei tei-p">"Conceit I consider a foolish thing; but more +foolish still is that false modesty that vainly attempts +to conceal that which all facts tend to prove."</p> + +<p class="tei tei-p">It is this straining to overcome a foolish, false +modesty which leads him to say, in connection with +his matches with members of the Manhattan Chess +Club. "As one by one I mowed them down without +the loss of a single game, my superiority became apparent." +Or, in speaking of his "endings" (a term +we chess experts use to designate the last part of +our game), to murmur modestly: "The endings +I already played very well, and to my mind had +attained the high standard for which they were in +the future to be well known." Mr. Capablanca will +have to watch that false modesty of his. It will get +him into trouble some day.<span class="tei-pb" id="page193">[pg 193]</span><a name="Pg193" id="Pg193" class="tei tei-anchor"></a></p> + +<p class="tei tei-p">Although this column makes no pretense of carrying +sporting news, it seems only right to print a +part of the running story of the big game between +Capablanca and Dr. O.S. Bernstein in the San Sebastian +tournament of 1911. Capablanca wore the white, +while Dr. Bernstein upheld the honor of the black.</p> + +<p class="tei tei-p">The tense moment of the game had been reached. +Capablanca has the ball on Dr. Bernstein's 3-yard +line on the second down, with a minute and a half +to play. The stands are wild. Cries of "Hold +'em, Bernstein!" and "Touchdown, Capablanca!" +ring out on the frosty November air.</p> + +<p class="tei tei-p">Brave voices are singing the fighting song entitled +"Capablanca's Day" which runs as follows:</p> + +<div style="text-align: left" class="tei tei-lg"> +<p class="tei tei-l">"Oh, sweep, sweep across the board,</p> +<p class="tei tei-l">With your castles, queens, and pawns;</p> +<p class="tei tei-l">We are with you, all Havana's horde,</p> +<p class="tei tei-l">Till the sun of victory dawns;</p> +<p class="tei tei-l">Then it's fight, <span style="font-style: italic" class="tei tei-hi">fight</span>, FIGHT!</p> +<p class="tei tei-l">To your last white knight,</p> +<p class="tei tei-l">For the truth must win alway,</p> +<p class="tei tei-l">And our hearts beat true</p> +<p class="tei tei-l">Old "J.R." for you</p> +<p class="tei tei-l">On Capa-blanca's Day."</p> +<span class="tei-pb" id="page194">[pg 194]</span><a name="Pg194" id="Pg194" class="tei tei-anchor"></a></div> + +<p class="tei tei-p">"Up to this point the game had proceeded along +the lines generally recommended by the masters," +writes Capablanca. "The last move, however, is +a slight deviation from the regular course, which +brings this Knight back to B in order to leave open +the diagonal for the Q, and besides is more in accordance +with the defensive nature of the game. +Much more could be said as to the reasons that +make Kt - B the preferred move of most masters.... +Of course, lest there be some misapprehension, +let me state that the move Kt - B is made in conjunction +with K R - K, which comes first."</p> + +<p class="tei tei-p">It is lucky that Mr. Casablanca made that explanation, +for I was being seized with just that +misapprehension which he feared. (Mr. <span style="font-style: italic" class="tei tei-hi">Capablanca</span>, +I mean.)</p> + +<p class="tei tei-p">Below is the box-score by innings:</p> + +<p class="tei tei-p"> +</p><table cellspacing="0" class="tei tei-table"><colgroup span="2"></colgroup><tbody><tr class="tei tei-row"> +<td class="tei tei-cell">1. P - K4.</td><td class="tei tei-cell">P - K4.</td> +</tr><tr class="tei tei-row"> +<td class="tei tei-cell">2. Kt - QB3.</td><td class="tei tei-cell">Kt - QB3.</td> +</tr><tr class="tei tei-row"> +<td class="tei tei-cell">3. P - B4.</td><td class="tei tei-cell">P x P.</td> +</tr><tr class="tei tei-row"> +<td class="tei tei-cell">4. Kt - B3.</td><td class="tei tei-cell">P - K Kt4.</td> +</tr></tbody></table><p class="tei tei-p"> +</p> + +<p class="tei tei-p">(Game called on account of darkness.)<span class="tei-pb" id="page195">[pg 195]</span><a name="Pg195" id="Pg195" class="tei tei-anchor"></a></p> +</div> + +<hr class="page" /> + +<div class="tei tei-div"> +<a name="toc_60" id="toc_60"></a> +<h1 class="tei tei-head">XXXVIII—"RIP VAN WINKLE"</h1> + +<p class="tei tei-p">After all, there is nothing like a good folk-opera +for wholesome fun, and the boy who +can turn out a rollicking folk-opera for old and +young is Percy MacKaye. His latest is a riot from +start to finish. You can buy it in book form, published +by Knopf. Just ask for "Rip Van Winkle" +and spend the evening falling out of your chair. +(You wake up just as soon as you fall and are all +ready again for a fresh start.)</p> + +<p class="tei tei-p">Of course it is a little rough in spots, but you +know what Percy MacKaye is when he gets loose +on a folk-opera. It is good, clean Rabelaisian fun, +such as was in "Washington, the Man Who Made +Us." I always felt that it was very prudish of the +police to stop that play just as it was commencing +its run. Or maybe it wasn't the police that stopped +it. Something did, I remember.</p> + +<p class="tei tei-p">But "Rip Van Winkle" has much more zip to it +than "Washington" had. In the first place, the +lyrics are better. They have more of a lilt to them +than the lines of the earlier work had. Here is the +<span class="tei-pb" id="page196">[pg 196]</span><a name="Pg196" id="Pg196" class="tei tei-anchor"></a>song hit of the first act, sung by the Goose Girl. +Try this over on your piano:</p> + +<div style="text-align: left" class="tei tei-lg"> +<p class="tei tei-l"><span style="font-style: italic" class="tei tei-hi">Kaaterskill, Kaaterskill,</span></p> +<p class="tei tei-l"><span style="font-style: italic" class="tei tei-hi">Cloud on the Kaaterskill!</span></p> +<p class="tei tei-l"><span style="font-style: italic" class="tei tei-hi">Will it be fair, or lower?</span></p> +<p class="tei tei-l"><span style="font-style: italic" class="tei tei-hi">Silver rings</span></p> +<p class="tei tei-l"><span style="font-style: italic" class="tei tei-hi">On my pond I see;</span></p> +<p class="tei tei-l"><span style="font-style: italic" class="tei tei-hi">And my gander he</span></p> +<p class="tei tei-l"><span style="font-style: italic" class="tei tei-hi">Shook both his white wings</span></p> +<p class="tei tei-l"><span style="font-style: italic" class="tei tei-hi">Like a sunshine shower.</span></p> +</div> + +<p class="tei tei-p">I venture to say that Irving Berlin himself +couldn't have done anything catchier than that by +way of a lyric. Or this little snatch of a refrain +sung by the old women of the town:</p> + +<div style="text-align: left" class="tei tei-lg"> +<p class="tei tei-l"><span style="font-style: italic" class="tei tei-hi">Nay, nay, nay!</span></p> +<p class="tei tei-l"><span style="font-style: italic" class="tei tei-hi">A sunshine shower</span></p> +<p class="tei tei-l"><span style="font-style: italic" class="tei tei-hi">Won't last a half an hour.</span></p> +</div> + +<p class="tei tei-p">The trouble with most lyrics is that they are written +by song-writers who have had no education. Mr. +MacKaye's college training shows itself in every +line of the opera. There is a subtlety of rhyme-scheme, +a delicacy of meter, and, above all, an +originality of thought and expression which promises +much for the school of university-bred lyricists. +<span class="tei-pb" id="page197">[pg 197]</span><a name="Pg197" id="Pg197" class="tei tei-anchor"></a>Here, for instance, is a lyric which Joe McCarthy +could never have written:</p> + +<div style="text-align: left" class="tei tei-lg"> +<p class="tei tei-l"><span style="font-style: italic" class="tei tei-hi">Up spoke Nancy, spanking Nancy,</span></p> +<p class="tei tei-l"><span style="font-style: italic" class="tei tei-hi">Says, "My feet are far too dancy, Dancy O!</span></p> +<p class="tei tei-l"><span style="font-style: italic" class="tei tei-hi">So foot-on-the-grass,</span></p> +<p class="tei tei-l"><span style="font-style: italic" class="tei tei-hi">Foot-on-the-grass,</span></p> +<p class="tei tei-l"><span style="font-style: italic" class="tei tei-hi">Foot-on-the-grass is my fancy, O!"</span></p> +</div> + +<p class="tei tei-p">Of course this is a folk-opera. And you can get +away with a great deal of that "dancy-o" stuff +when you call it a folk-opera. You can throw it +all back on the old folk at home and they can't say +a word.</p> + +<p class="tei tei-p">But even the local wits of Rip Van Winkle's time +would have repudiated the comedy lines which Mr. +MacKaye gives Rip to say in which "Katy-did" +and "Katy-didn't" figure prominently as the nub, +followed, before you have time to stop laughing, by +one about "whip poor Will" (whippoorwill—get +it?). If "Rip Van Winkle" is ever produced again, +Ed Wynn should be cast as Rip. He would eat that +line alive.</p> + +<p class="tei tei-p"></p> + +<p class="tei tei-p">Ed Wynn, by the way, might do wonders by the +opera if he could get the rights to produce it in his +own way. Let Mr. MacKaye's name stay on the +programme, but give Ed Wynn the white card to do +<span class="tei-pb" id="page198">[pg 198]</span><a name="Pg198" id="Pg198" class="tei tei-anchor"></a>as he might see fit with the book. For instance, +one of Mr. MacKaye's characters is named "Dirck +Spuytenduyvil." Let him stand as he is, but give +him two cousins, "Mynheer Yonkers" and "Jan +One Hundred and Eighty-third Street." The three +of them could do a comedy tumbling act. There is +practically no end to the features that could be introduced +to tone the thing up.</p> + +<p class="tei tei-p">The basic idea of "Rip Van Winkle" would lend +itself admirably to Broadway treatment, for Mr. +MacKaye has taken liberties, with the legend and +introduced the topical idea of a Magic Flask, containing +home-made hootch. Hendrick Hudson, the +Captain of the Catskill Bowling Team, is the lucky +possessor of the doctor's prescription and formula, +and it is in order to take a trial spin with the brew +that Rip first goes up to the mountain. Here are +Hendrick's very words of invitation:</p> + +<div style="text-align: left" class="tei tei-lg"> +<p class="tei tei-l"><span style="font-style: italic" class="tei tei-hi">You'll be right welcome. I will let you taste</span></p> +<p class="tei tei-l"><span style="font-style: italic" class="tei tei-hi">A wonder drink we brew aboard the Half Moon.</span></p> +<p class="tei tei-l"><span style="font-style: italic" class="tei tei-hi">Whoever drinks the Magic Flask thereof</span></p> +<p class="tei tei-l"><span style="font-style: italic" class="tei tei-hi">Forgets all lapse of time</span></p> +<p class="tei tei-l"><span style="font-style: italic" class="tei tei-hi">And wanders ever in the fairy season</span></p> +<p class="tei tei-l"><span style="font-style: italic" class="tei tei-hi">Of youth and spring.</span></p> +<p class="tei tei-l"><span style="font-style: italic" class="tei tei-hi">Come join me in the mountains</span></p> +<p class="tei tei-l"><span style="font-style: italic" class="tei tei-hi">At mid of night</span></p> +<p class="tei tei-l"><span style="font-style: italic" class="tei tei-hi">And there I promise you the Magic Flask.</span></p> +<span class="tei-pb" id="page199">[pg 199]</span><a name="Pg199" id="Pg199" class="tei tei-anchor"></a></div> + +<p class="tei tei-p">And so at mid of night Rip fell for the promise +of wandering "in the fairy season," as so many +have done at the invitation of a man who has "made a +little something at home which you couldn't tell +from the real stuff." Rip got out of it easily. He +simply went to sleep for twenty years. You ought +to see a man I know.</p> + +<p class="tei tei-p"></p> + +<p class="tei tei-p">There is a note in the front of the volume saying +that no public reading of "Rip Van Winkle" may +be given without first getting the author's permission. +It ought to be made much more difficult to +do than that.<span class="tei-pb" id="page200">[pg 200]</span><a name="Pg200" id="Pg200" class="tei tei-anchor"></a></p> +</div> + +<hr class="page" /> + +<div class="tei tei-div"> +<a name="toc_61" id="toc_61"></a> +<h1 class="tei tei-head">XXXIX—LITERARY LOST AND FOUND DEPARTMENT</h1> + +<h1 style="font-size: 85%" class="tei tei-head">With Scant Apology to the Book Section of the <span style="font-style: italic" class="tei tei-hi">New York Times</span>.</h1> + +<div class="tei tei-div"> +<a name="toc_62" id="toc_62"></a> +<h2 class="tei tei-head">"OLD BLACK TILLIE"</h2> + +<p class="tei tei-p">H.G.L.—When I was a little girl, my nurse, +used to recite a poem something like the following +(as near as I can remember). I wonder if +anyone can give me the missing lines?</p> + +<div style="text-align: left" class="tei tei-lg"> +<p class="tei tei-l"><span style="font-style: italic" class="tei tei-hi">"Old Black Tillie lived in the dell,</span></p> +<p class="tei tei-l"><span style="font-style: italic" class="tei tei-hi">Heigh-ho with a rum-tum-tum!</span></p> +<p class="tei tei-l"><span style="font-style: italic" class="tei tei-hi">Something, something, something like a lot of hell,</span></p> +<p class="tei tei-l"><span style="font-style: italic" class="tei tei-hi">Heigh-ho with a rum-tum-tum!</span></p> +<p class="tei tei-l"><span style="font-style: italic" class="tei tei-hi">She wasn't very something and she wasn't very fat</span></p> +<p class="tei tei-l"><span style="font-style: italic" class="tei tei-hi">But—"</span></p> +</div> +</div> + +<div class="tei tei-div"> +<a name="toc_63" id="toc_63"></a> +<h2 class="tei tei-head">"VICTOR HUGO'S DEATH"</h2> + +<p class="tei tei-p">M.K.C.—Is it true that Victor Hugo did not +die but is still living in a little shack in Colorado?<span class="tei-pb" id="page201">[pg 201]</span><a name="Pg201" id="Pg201" class="tei tei-anchor"></a></p> +</div> + +<div class="tei tei-div"> +<a name="toc_64" id="toc_64"></a> +<h2 class="tei tei-head">"I'M SORRY THAT I SPELT THE WORD"</h2> + +<p class="tei tei-p">J.R.A.—Can anyone help me out by furnishing +the last three words to the following stanza which +I learned in school and of which I have forgotten +the last three words, thereby driving myself crazy?</p> + +<div style="text-align: left" class="tei tei-lg"> +<p class="tei tei-l"><span style="font-style: italic" class="tei tei-hi">"'I'm sorry that I spelt the word,</span></p> +<p class="tei tei-l"><span style="font-style: italic" class="tei tei-hi">I hate to go above you,</span></p> +<p class="tei tei-l"><span style="font-style: italic" class="tei tei-hi">Because—' the brown eyes lower fell,</span></p> +<p class="tei tei-l"><span style="font-style: italic" class="tei tei-hi">'Because, you see, —-- —-- —--.'"</span></p> +</div> +</div> + +<div class="tei tei-div"> +<a name="toc_65" id="toc_65"></a> +<h2 class="tei tei-head">"GOD'S IN HIS HEAVEN"</h2> + +<p class="tei tei-p">J.A.E.—Where did Mark Twain write the following?</p> + +<div style="text-align: left" class="tei tei-lg"> +<p class="tei tei-l"><span style="font-style: italic" class="tei tei-hi">"God's in his heaven:</span></p> +<p class="tei tei-l"><span style="font-style: italic" class="tei tei-hi">All's right with the world."</span></p> +</div> +</div> + +<div class="tei tei-div"> +<a name="toc_66" id="toc_66"></a> +<h2 class="tei tei-head">"SHE DWELT BESIDE"</h2> + +<p class="tei tei-p">N.K.Y.—Can someone locate this for me and +tell the author?</p> + +<div style="text-align: left" class="tei tei-lg"> +<p class="tei tei-l"><span style="font-style: italic" class="tei tei-hi">"She dwelt among untrodden ways,</span></p> +<p class="tei tei-l"><span style="font-style: italic" class="tei tei-hi">Beside the springs of Dove,</span></p> +<p class="tei tei-l"><span style="font-style: italic" class="tei tei-hi">To me she gave sweet Charity,</span></p> +<p class="tei tei-l"><span style="font-style: italic" class="tei tei-hi">But greater far is Love."</span></p> +<span class="tei-pb" id="page202">[pg 202]</span><a name="Pg202" id="Pg202" class="tei tei-anchor"></a></div> +</div> + +<div class="tei tei-div"> +<a name="toc_67" id="toc_67"></a> +<h2 class="tei tei-head">"THE GOLDEN WEDDING"</h2> + +<p class="tei tei-p">K.L.F.—Who wrote the following and what +does it mean?</p> + +<div style="text-align: left" class="tei tei-lg"> +<p class="tei tei-l"><span style="font-style: italic" class="tei tei-hi">"Oh, de golden wedding,</span></p> +<p class="tei tei-l"><span style="font-style: italic" class="tei tei-hi">Oh, de golden wedding,</span></p> +<p class="tei tei-l"><span style="font-style: italic" class="tei tei-hi">Oh, de golden wedding,</span></p> +<p class="tei tei-l"><span style="font-style: italic" class="tei tei-hi">De golden, golden wedding!"</span></p> +</div> +</div> + +<div class="tei tei-div"> +<a name="toc_68" id="toc_68"></a> +<h2 class="tei tei-head">ANSWERS</h2> + +<p class="tei tei-p">"WHEN GRANDMA WAS A GIRL"</p> + +<p class="tei tei-p">LUTHER F. NEAM, Flushing, L.I.—The poem +asked for by "E.J.K." was recited at a Free Soil riot +in Ashburg, Kansas, in July, 1850. It was entitled, +"And That's the Way They Did It When Grandma +Was a Girl," and was written by Bishop Leander B. +Rizzard. The last line runs:</p> + +<p style="margin: 2em 4em" class="tei tei-p">"<span style="font-style: italic" class="tei tei-hi">And that's they way they did it, when Grandma +was a girl</span>."</p> + +<p class="tei tei-p">Others who answered this query were: Lillian W. +East, of Albany; Martin B. Forsch, New York City, +and Henry Cabot Lodge, Nahant.<span class="tei-pb" id="page203">[pg 203]</span><a name="Pg203" id="Pg203" class="tei tei-anchor"></a></p> + +<p class="tei tei-p">"LET US THEN BE UP AND DOING"</p> + +<p class="tei tei-p">Roger F. Nilkette, Presto, N.J.—Replying to +the query in your last issue concerning the origin of +the lines:</p> + +<div style="text-align: left" class="tei tei-lg"> +<p class="tei tei-l"><span style="font-style: italic" class="tei tei-hi">"Let us then be up and doing,</span></p> +<p class="tei tei-l"><span style="font-style: italic" class="tei tei-hi">With a heart for any fate.</span></p> +<p class="tei tei-l"><span style="font-style: italic" class="tei tei-hi">Still achieving, still pursuing,</span></p> +<p class="tei tei-l"><span style="font-style: italic" class="tei tei-hi">Learn to labor and to wait."</span></p> +</div> + +<p class="tei tei-p">I remember hearing these lines read at a gathering +in the Second Baptist Church of Presto, N.J., +when I was a young man, by the Reverend Harley +N. Ankle. It was said at the time among his parishioners +that he himself wrote them and on being +questioned on the matter he did not deny it, simply +smiling and saying, "I'm glad if you liked them." +They were henceforth known in Presto as "Dr. +Ankle's verse" and were set to music and sung at +his funeral.</p> + +<p class="tei tei-p">"THE DECEMBER BRIDE, OR OLD ROBIN"</p> + +<p class="tei tei-p">Charles B. Rennit, Boston, N.H.—The +whole poem wanted by "H.J.O." is as follows, and +appeared in <span style="font-style: italic" class="tei tei-hi">Hostetter's Annual</span> in 1843.<span class="tei-pb" id="page204">[pg 204]</span><a name="Pg204" id="Pg204" class="tei tei-anchor"></a></p> + +<div style="text-align: left" class="tei tei-lg"> +<p class="tei tei-l">1</p> + +<p class="tei tei-l"><span style="font-style: italic" class="tei tei-hi">"'Twas in the bleak December that I took her for my bride;</span></p> +<p class="tei tei-l"><span style="font-style: italic" class="tei tei-hi">How well do I remember how she fluttered by my side;</span></p> +<p class="tei tei-l"><span style="font-style: italic" class="tei tei-hi">My Nellie dear, it was not long before you up and died,</span></p> +<p class="tei tei-l"><span style="font-style: italic" class="tei tei-hi">And they buried her at eight-thirty in the morning.</span></p> + +<p class="tei tei-l">2</p> + +<p class="tei tei-l"><span style="font-style: italic" class="tei tei-hi">"Oh, do not tell me of the charms of maidens far and near,</span></p> +<p class="tei tei-l"><span style="font-style: italic" class="tei tei-hi">Their charming ways and manners I do not care to hear,</span></p> +<p class="tei tei-l"><span style="font-style: italic" class="tei tei-hi">For Lucy dear was to me so very, very dear,</span></p> +<p class="tei tei-l"><span style="font-style: italic" class="tei tei-hi">And they buried her at eight-thirty in the morning.</span></p> + +<p class="tei tei-l">3</p> + +<p class="tei tei-l"><span style="font-style: italic" class="tei tei-hi">"Then it's merrily, merrily, merrily, whoa!</span></p> +<p class="tei tei-l"><span style="font-style: italic" class="tei tei-hi">To the old gray church they come and go,</span></p> +<p class="tei tei-l"><span style="font-style: italic" class="tei tei-hi">Some to be married and some to be buried,</span></p> +<p class="tei tei-l"><span style="font-style: italic" class="tei tei-hi">And old Robin has gone for the mail."</span></p> +</div> + +<p class="tei tei-p">"THE OLD KING'S JOKE"</p> + +<p class="tei tei-p">F.J. BRUFF, Hammick, Conn.—In a recent issue +of your paper, Lillian F. Grothman asked for the +<span class="tei-pb" id="page205">[pg 205]</span><a name="Pg205" id="Pg205" class="tei tei-anchor"></a>remainder of a poem which began: "<span style="font-style: italic" class="tei tei-hi">The King of +Sweden made a joke, ha, ha!</span>"</p> + +<p class="tei tei-p">I can furnish all of this poem, having written it +myself, for which I was expelled from St. Domino's +School in 1895. If Miss Grothman will meet me in +the green room at the Biltmore for tea on Wednesday +next at 4:30, she will be supplied with the +missing words.<span class="tei-pb" id="page206">[pg 206]</span><a name="Pg206" id="Pg206" class="tei tei-anchor"></a></p> +</div> +</div> + +<hr class="page" /> + +<div class="tei tei-div"> +<a name="toc_69" id="toc_69"></a> +<h1 class="tei tei-head">XL—"DARKWATER"</h1> + +<p class="tei tei-p">We have so many, many problems in America. +Books are constantly being written offering +solutions for them, but still they persist.</p> + +<p class="tei tei-p">There are volumes on auction bridge, family +budgets and mind-training. A great many people +have ideas on what should be done to relieve the +country of certain undesirable persons who have +displayed a lack of sympathy with American institutions. +(As if American institutions needed sympathy!) +And some of the more generous-minded +among us are writing books showing our duty to +the struggling young nationalities of Europe. It +is bewildering to be confronted by all these problems, +each demanding intelligent solution.</p> + +<p class="tei tei-p">Little wonder, then, that we have no time for +writing books on the one problem which is exclusively +our own. With so many wrongs in the world +to be righted, who can blame us for overlooking +the one tragic wrong which lies at our door? With +so many heathen to whom the word of God must be +<span class="tei-pb" id="page207">[pg 207]</span><a name="Pg207" id="Pg207" class="tei tei-anchor"></a>brought and so many wild revolutionists in whom +must be instilled a respect for law and order, is it +strange that we should ourselves sometimes lump +the word of God and the principles of law and order +together under the head of "sentimentality" and +shrug our shoulders? Justice in the abstract is our +aim—any American will tell you that—so why +haggle over details and insist on justice for the +negro?</p> + +<p class="tei tei-p"></p> + +<p class="tei tei-p">But W.E.B. Du Bois does insist on justice for +the negro, and in his book "Darkwater" (Harcourt, +Brace & Co.) his voice rings out in a bitter +warning through the complacent quiet which usually +reigns around this problem of America. Mr. Du +Bois seems to forget that we have the affairs of a +great many people to attend to and persists in calling +our attention to this affair of our own. And +what is worse, in the minds of all well-bred persons +he does not do it at all politely. He seems to be +quite distressed about something.</p> + +<p class="tei tei-p">Maybe it is because he finds himself, a man of +superior mind and of sensitive spirit who is a graduate +of Harvard, a professor and a sincere worker +for the betterment of mankind, relegated to an inferior +order by many men and women who are +obviously his inferiors, simply because he happens +<span class="tei-pb" id="page208">[pg 208]</span><a name="Pg208" id="Pg208" class="tei tei-anchor"></a>to differ from them in the color of his skin. Maybe +it is because he sees the people of his own race who +have not had his advantages (if a negro may ever +be said to have received an advantage) being +crowded into an ignominious spiritual serfdom +equally as bad as the physical serfdom from +which they were so recently freed. Maybe it is +because of these things that Mr. Du Bois seems +overwrought.</p> + +<p class="tei tei-p"></p> + +<p class="tei tei-p">Or perhaps it is because he reads each day of +how jealous we are, as a Nation, of the sanctity of +our Constitution, how we revere it and draw a flashing +sword against its detractors, and then sees this +very Constitution being flouted as a matter of course +in those districts where the amendment giving the +negroes a right to vote is popularly considered one +of the five funniest jokes in the world.</p> + +<p class="tei tei-p">Perhaps he hears candidates for office insisting on +a reign of law or a plea for order above all things, +by some sentimentalist or other, or public speakers +advising those who have not respect for American +institutions to go back whence they came, and then +sees whole sections of the country violating every +principle of law and order and mocking American +institutions for the sake of teaching a "nigger" +his place.<span class="tei-pb" id="page209">[pg 209]</span><a name="Pg209" id="Pg209" class="tei tei-anchor"></a></p> + +<p class="tei tei-p">Perhaps during the war he heard of the bloody +crimes of our enemies, and saw preachers and editors +and statesmen stand aghast at the barbaric +atrocities which won for the German the name of +Hun, and then looked toward his own people and +saw them being burned, disembowelled and tortured +with a civic unanimity and tacit legal sanction which +made the word Hun sound weak.</p> + +<p class="tei tei-p">Perhaps he has heard it boasted that in America +every man who is honest, industrious and intelligent +has a good chance to win out, and has seen honest, +industrious and intelligent men whose skins are black +stopped short by a wall so high and so thick that +all they can do, on having reached that far, is to +bow their heads and go slowly back.</p> + +<p class="tei tei-p">Any one of these reasons should have been sufficient +for having written "Darkwater."</p> + +<p class="tei tei-p">It is unfortunate that Mr. Du Bois should have +raised this question of our own responsibility just +at this time when we were showing off so nicely. It +may remind some one that instead of taking over +a protectorate of Armenia we might better take over +a protectorate of the State of Georgia, which yearly +leads the proud list of lynchers. But then, there +will not be enough people who see Mr. Du Bois's +book to cause any great national movement, so we +are quite sure, for the time being, of being able to +<span class="tei-pb" id="page210">[pg 210]</span><a name="Pg210" id="Pg210" class="tei tei-anchor"></a>devote our energies to the solution of our other +problems.</p> + +<p class="tei tei-p"></p> + +<p class="tei tei-p">Don't forget, therefore, to write your Congressman +about a universal daylight-saving bill, and give +a little thought, if you can, to the question of the +vehicular tunnel.<span class="tei-pb" id="page211">[pg 211]</span><a name="Pg211" id="Pg211" class="tei tei-anchor"></a></p> +</div> + +<hr class="page" /> + +<div class="tei tei-div"> +<a name="toc_70" id="toc_70"></a> +<h1 class="tei tei-head">XLI—THE NEW TIME-TABLE</h1> + +<p class="tei tei-p">The new time-table of the New York Central +Railroad (New York Central Railroad, Harlem +Division. Form 113. Corrected to March 28, +1922) is an attractive folder, done in black and +white, for the suburban trade. It slips neatly into +the pocket, where it easily becomes lost among +letters and bills, appearing again only when you +have procured another.</p> + +<p class="tei tei-p">So much for its physical features. Of the text +matter it is difficult to write without passion. No +more disheartening work has been put on the market +this season.</p> + +<p class="tei tei-p">In an attempt to evade the Daylight-Saving Law +the New York Central has kept its clocks at what +is called "Eastern Standard Time," meaning that +it is standard on East 42d Street between Vanderbilt +and Lexington Avenues. Practically everywhere +else in New York the clocks are an hour ahead.</p> + +<p class="tei tei-p">It is this "Eastern Standard Time" that gives +the time-table its distinctive flavor. Each train has +been demoted one hour, and then, for fear that it +<span class="tei-pb" id="page212">[pg 212]</span><a name="Pg212" id="Pg212" class="tei tei-anchor"></a>would be too easy to understand this, an extra three +or four minutes have been thrown in or taken out, +just, so that no mistake can help being made.</p> + +<p class="tei tei-p">In order to read the new time-table understandingly +the following procedure is now necessary:</p> + +<p class="tei tei-p">Take a room in some quiet family hotel where +the noise from the street is reduced to minimum. +Place the time-table on the writing-desk and sit in +front of it, holding a pencil in the right hand and +a watch (Eastern Christian Time) in the left. Then +decide on the time you think you would like to +reach home. Let us say that you usually have +dinner at 7. You would, if you could do just what +you wanted, reach Valhalla at 6:30. Very well. It +takes about an hour from the Grand Central Terminal +to Valhalla. How about a train leaving around +5:30?</p> + +<p class="tei tei-p"></p> + +<p class="tei tei-p">Look at the time-table for a train which leaves +about 2:45 (Eastern Standard Time). Write down, +"2:45" on a piece of paper. Add 150. Subtract +the number of stations that Valhalla is above White +Plains. Sharpen your pencil and bind up your cut +finger and subtract the number you first thought of, +and the result will show the number of Presidents +of the United States who have been assassinated +while in office. Then go over to the Grand Central +<span class="tei-pb" id="page213">[pg 213]</span><a name="Pg213" id="Pg213" class="tei tei-anchor"></a>Terminal and ask one of the information clerks +what you want to know.</p> + +<p style="text-align: center" class="tei tei-p"><a name="image14" id="image14" class="tei tei-anchor"></a> +<img src="images/image14.png" alt=""Listen, Ed! This is how it goes!"" class="tei tei-figure" /></p> +<p style="text-align: center" class="tei tei-p">"Listen, Ed! This is how it goes!"</p> + +<p class="tei tei-p">They will be glad to see you, for during the last +three days they have been actually hungering for +the sight of a human face. Sometimes it has seemed +to them that the silence and loneliness there behind +the information counter would drive them mad. If +some one—any one—would only come and speak +to them! That is why one of them is over in the +corner chewing up time-tables into small balls and +playing marbles with them. He has gone mad from +loneliness. The other clerk, the one who is looking +at the tip of his nose and mumbling Lincoln's Gettysburg +Address, has only a few more minutes before +he too succumbs.</p> + +<p class="tei tei-p"></p> + +<p class="tei tei-p">And that low, rumbling sound, what is that? It +comes from the crowd of commuters standing in +front of the gate of what used to be the 5:56. Let +us draw near and hear what they are discussing. +Why, it is the new time-table, of all things!</p> + +<p class="tei tei-p">"Listen, Ed. This is how it goes. This train +that goes at 4:25 according to this time-table is +really the old 5:20. See? What you do is add +an hour"—</p> + +<p class="tei tei-p">"Aw, what kind of talk is that? Add an hour +to your grandmother! You subtract an hour from +<span class="tei-pb" id="page214">[pg 214]</span><a name="Pg214" id="Pg214" class="tei tei-anchor"></a>the time as given here. This is Eastern Standard +Time. See, it says right here: 'The time shown +in this folder is Eastern Standard Time, one hour +slower than Daylight-Saving Time.' See? One +hour slower. You subtract."</p> + +<p class="tei tei-p">"Here, you guys are both way off. I just asked +one of the trainmen. The 5:56 has gone. It went +at 4:20. The next train that we get is the 6:20 +which goes at 5:19. Look, see here. It says 5:19 +on the time-table but that means that by your watch +it is 6:19"—</p> + +<p class="tei tei-p">"By my watch it is not 6:19. My watch I +set by the clock in the station this morning when I +came in"—</p> + +<p class="tei tei-p">"Well, the clock in the station is wrong. That +is, the clock in the station is an hour ahead of all +the other clocks."</p> + +<p class="tei tei-p">"An hour ahead? An hour behind, you mean."</p> + +<p class="tei tei-p">"The clock in the station is an hour ahead. I +know what I'm talking about."</p> + +<p class="tei tei-p">"Now listen, Jo. Didn't you see in the paper +Monday morning"—</p> + +<p class="tei tei-p">"Yaas, I saw in the paper Monday morning, and +it said that"—</p> + +<p class="tei tei-p">"Look, Gus. By my watch—look, Gus—listen, +Gus—by my watch"—<span class="tei-pb" id="page215">[pg 215]</span><a name="Pg215" id="Pg215" class="tei tei-anchor"></a></p> + +<p class="tei tei-p">"Aw, you and your watch! What's that got to do +with it?"</p> + +<p class="tei tei-p">"Now looka here. On this time-table it +says"—</p> + +<p class="tei tei-p">"Lissen, Eddie"—</p> + +<p class="tei tei-p"></p> + +<p class="tei tei-p">Whatever else its publishers may say about it, +the new New York Central time-table bids fair to be +the most-talked-of publication of the season.<span class="tei-pb" id="page216">[pg 216]</span><a name="Pg216" id="Pg216" class="tei tei-anchor"></a></p> +</div> + +<hr class="page" /> + +<div class="tei tei-div"> +<a name="toc_71" id="toc_71"></a> +<h1 class="tei tei-head">XLII—MR. BOK'S AMERICANIZATION</h1> + +<p class="tei tei-p">If ever you should feel important enough to write +an autobiography to give to the world, and dislike +to say all the nice things about yourself that you +feel really ought to be said, just write it in the third +person. Edward Bok has done this in "The Americanization +of Edward Bok" and the effect is quite +touching in its modesty.</p> + +<p class="tei tei-p">In "An Explanation" at the beginning of the +book Mr. Bok disclaims any credit for the winning +ways and remarkable success of his hero, Edward +Bok. Edward Bok, the little Dutch boy who landed +in America in 1870 and later became the editor of +the greatest women's advertising medium in the +country, is an entirely different person from the +Edward Bok who is telling the story. You understand +this to begin with. Otherwise you may misjudge +the author.</p> + +<p class="tei tei-p">"I have again and again found myself," writes +Mr. Bok, "watching with intense amusement and +interest the Edward Bok of this book at work.... +His tastes, his outlook, his manner of looking at +<span class="tei-pb" id="page217">[pg 217]</span><a name="Pg217" id="Pg217" class="tei tei-anchor"></a>things were totally at variance with my own.... +He has had and has been a personality apart from +my private self."</p> + +<p class="tei tei-p">The only connection between Edward Bok the +editor and Edward Bok the autobiographer seems +to be that Editor Bok allows Author Bok to have +a checking account in his bank under their common +name.</p> + +<p class="tei tei-p">Thus completely detached from his hero, Mr. Bok +proceeds and is able to narrate on page 3, in the +manner of Horatio Alger, how young Edward, +taunted by his Brooklyn schoolmates, gave a sound +thrashing to the ringleader, after which he found +himself "looking into the eyes of a crowd of very +respectful boys and giggling girls, who readily made +a passageway for his brother and himself when they +indicated a desire to leave the school-yard and go +home."</p> + +<p class="tei tei-p">He can also, without seeming in the least conceited, +tell how, through his clear-sighted firmness in refusing +to write in the Spencerian manner prescribed in +school, he succeeded in bringing the Principal and +the whole Board of Education to their senses, resulting +in a complete reversal of the public-school policy +in the matter of handwriting instruction.</p> + +<p class="tei tei-p">The Horatio Alger note is dominant throughout +the story of young Edward's boyhood. His cheerfulness +<span class="tei-pb" id="page218">[pg 218]</span><a name="Pg218" id="Pg218" class="tei tei-anchor"></a>and business sagacity so impressed everyone +with whom he came in contact that he was soon +outdistancing all the other boys in the process of +self-advancement. And no one is more smilingly +tolerant of the irresistible progress of young Edward +Bok in making friends and money than Edward Bok +the impersonal author of the book. He just loves +to see the young boy get ahead.</p> + +<p class="tei tei-p"></p> + +<p class="tei tei-p">It will perhaps aid in getting an idea of the personality +and confident presence of the Boy Bok to state +that he was a feverish collector of autographs. Whenever +any famous personage came to town the young +man would find out at what hotel he was staying and +would proceed to hound him until he had got him +to write his name, with some appropriate sentiment, +in a little book. In advertising the present volume +the publishers give a list of names of historical characters +who feature in Mr. Bok's reminiscences—Gens. +Grant and Garfield, Oliver Wendell Holmes, +Longfellow, Emerson and dozens of others. And so +they do figure in the book, but as victims of the +young Dutch boy's passion for autographs. Still, +perhaps, they did not mind, for the author gives us to +understand that they were all so charmed with the +prepossessing manner and intelligent bearing of the +young autograph hound that they not only were continually +<span class="tei-pb" id="page219">[pg 219]</span><a name="Pg219" id="Pg219" class="tei tei-anchor"></a>asking him to dinner (he usually timed his +visit so as to catch them just as they were entering +the dining-room) but insisted on giving him letters +of introduction to their friends.</p> + +<p class="tei tei-p">Only Mrs. Abraham Lincoln and Ralph Waldo Emerson +neglected to register extreme pleasure at being +approached by the smiling lad. Both Mrs. Lincoln +and Emerson were failing in their minds at the time, +however, which satisfactorily explains their coolness, +at least for the author. In Mrs. Lincoln's case an +attempt was made to interest her in an autographed +photograph of Gen. Grant. But "Edward saw +that the widow of the great Lincoln did not mentally +respond to his pleasure in his possession." +Could it have been possible that the widow of the +great Lincoln was a trifle bored?</p> + +<p class="tei tei-p">The account of the intrusion on Emerson in Concord +borders on the sacrilegious. Here was the venerable +philosopher, five months before his death, +when his great mind had already gone on before him, +being visited by a strange lad with a passion for +autographs, who sat and watched for those lucid +moments when then sun would break through the +clouded brain, making it possible for Emerson to +hold the pen and form the letters of his name. Then +young Edward was off, with another trophy in his +belt and another stride made in his progress toward +<span class="tei-pb" id="page220">[pg 220]</span><a name="Pg220" id="Pg220" class="tei tei-anchor"></a>Americanization. Lovers of Emerson could wish +that the impersonal editor of these memoirs had +omitted the account of this victory.</p> + +<p class="tei tei-p"></p> + +<p class="tei tei-p">Americanization seems, from the present document, +to consist of, first, making as many influential +friends as possible who may be able to help you at +some future time; second, making as much money +as possible (young Edward used his position as stenographer +to Jay Gould to glean tips on the market, +thereby cleaning up for himself and his Sunday-school +teacher at Plymouth Church), and third, +keeping your eye open for the main chance.</p> + +<p class="tei tei-p">In conclusion, nothing more fitting could be quoted +than the touching caption under the picture of the +author's grandmother, "who counselled each of her +children to make the world a better and more beautiful +place to live in—a counsel which is now being +carried on by her grandchildren, one of whom is Edward +Bok."</p> + +<p class="tei tei-p">Could detachment of author and hero be more +complete?<span class="tei-pb" id="page221">[pg 221]</span><a name="Pg221" id="Pg221" class="tei tei-anchor"></a></p> +</div> + +<hr class="page" /> + +<div class="tei tei-div"> +<a name="toc_72" id="toc_72"></a> +<h1 class="tei tei-head">XLIII—ZANE GREY'S MOVIE</h1> + +<p class="tei tei-p">The hum of the moving-picture machine is the +predominating note in "The Mysterious +Rider," Zane Grey's latest contribution to the literature +of unrealism. All that is necessary for a complete +illusion is the insertion of three or four news +photographs at the end, showing how they catch +salmon in the Columbia River, the allegorical floats +in the Los Angeles Carnival of Roses and the ice-covered +fire ruins in the business section of Worcester, +Mass.</p> + +<p class="tei tei-p">In order that the change from book to film may +be made as quickly as possible, the author has written +his story in the language of the moving-picture +subtitle. All that the continuity-writer in the studio +will have to do will be to take every third sentence +from the book and make a subtitle from it. We +might save him the trouble and do it here, together +with some suggestions for incidental decorations.</p> + +<p class="tei tei-p">Remember, nothing will be quoted below which is +not in the exact wording of Zane Grey's text. +<span class="tei-pb" id="page222">[pg 222]</span><a name="Pg222" id="Pg222" class="tei tei-anchor"></a>We first see Columbine Belllounds, adopted +daughter of old Belllounds the rancher of Colorado. +She is riding along the trail overlooking the valley.</p> + +<p class="tei tei-p">"TODAY GIRLISH ORDEALS AND GRIEFS +SEEMED BACK IN THE PAST: SHE WAS A +WOMAN AT NINETEEN AND FACE TO FACE +WITH THE FIRST GREAT PROBLEM IN HER +LIFE." (Suggestion for title decoration: A pair +of reluctant feet standing at the junction of a brook +and a river.)</p> + +<p class="tei tei-p">She stops to pick some columbines and soliloquizes. +The author says: "She spoke aloud, as if +the sound of her voice might convince her," but it +is not clear from the text just what she expected to +be convinced of. Here is her argument to herself:</p> + +<p class="tei tei-p">"COLUMBINE!... SO THEY NAMED +ME—THOSE MINERS WHO FOUND ME—A +BABY—LOST IN THE WOODS—ASLEEP +AMONG THE COLUMBINES." (Decorative +nasturtiums.)</p> + +<p class="tei tei-p">Having convinced herself in these reassuring +words as she stands alone on the ridge in God's +great outdoors, she explains that she has promised +to marry Jack Belllounds, the worthless son of her +foster-father, although any one can tell that she is +in love with Wilson Moore, a cow-puncher on the +ranch. You will understand what a sacrifice this +<span class="tei-pb" id="page223">[pg 223]</span><a name="Pg223" id="Pg223" class="tei tei-anchor"></a>was to be when the author says that "the lower +part of Jack Belllounds's face was weak."</p> + +<p class="tei tei-p">To the ranch comes "Hell-Bent" Wade, the mysterious +man of the plains. He applies for a job, and +not only that, but he gets it, which gives him a +chance to let us know that:</p> + +<p class="tei tei-p">"EIGHTEEN YEARS AGO HE HAD +DRIVEN THE WOMAN HE LOVED AWAY +FROM HIM, OUT INTO THE WORLD WITH +HER BABY GIRL ... JEALOUS FOOL!... +TOO LATE HAD HE DISCOVERED HIS +FATAL BLUNDER.... THAT WAS BENT +WADE'S SECRET." (Fancy sketch of a secret.)</p> + +<p class="tei tei-p">And as we already know that Columbine is almost +nineteen (I think she told herself this fact +aloud once when she was out riding alone, just to +convince herself), the shock is not so great as it +might have been to hear Wade murmur aloud +(doubtless to convince himself too), "Baby would +have been—let's see—'most nineteen years old +now—if she'd lived."</p> + +<p class="tei tei-p">Any bets on who Columbine really is?</p> + +<p class="tei tei-p"></p> + +<p class="tei tei-p">Let us digress from the scenario a minute to cite +a scintillating passage, one of many in the book. +Wade is speaking:</p> + +<p class="tei tei-p">"'You can never tell what a dog is until you +<span class="tei-pb" id="page224">[pg 224]</span><a name="Pg224" id="Pg224" class="tei tei-anchor"></a>know him. Dogs are like men. Some of 'em look +good, but they're really bad. An' that works the +other way round.'"</p> + +<p class="tei tei-p">Oscar Wilde stuff, that is. How often have you +felt the truth of what Mr. Grey says here, and yet +have never been able to put it into words! It is +this ability to put thoughts into words that makes +him one of our most popular authors today.</p> + +<p class="tei tei-p"></p> + +<p class="tei tei-p">But enough of this. "Hell-Bent" Wade determines +that his little gel shall not know him as her +father, and, furthermore, that she shall not marry +Jack Belllounds. So he goes to the cabin of Wils +Moore and tells him that Columbine is unhappy at +the thought of her approaching—you guessed it—nuptials.</p> + +<p class="tei tei-p">"PARD! SHE LOVES ME—STILL?"</p> + +<p class="tei tei-p">"WILS, HERS IS THE KIND THAT GROWS +STRONGER WITH TIME, I KNOW." (Heart +and an hour-glass intertwined.)</p> + +<p class="tei tei-p"></p> + +<p class="tei tei-p">Let it be said right here, however, that Jack +Belllounds, rough and villainous as he is, is the kind +of cow-puncher who says to his father: "I still +love you, dad, despite the cruel thing you did to +me." No cow-puncher who says "despite" can +be entirely bad. Neither can he be a cow-puncher.<span class="tei-pb" id="page225">[pg 225]</span><a name="Pg225" id="Pg225" class="tei tei-anchor"></a></p> + +<p class="tei tei-p">It is later, after a thrilling series of physical +encounters, that Columbine tells Jack Belllounds in +so many words that she loves Wils Moore. "Then +Wade saw the glory of her—saw her mother again +in that proud, fierce uplift of face that flamed red +and then blazed white—saw hate and passion and +love in all their primal nakedness.</p> + +<p class="tei tei-p">"LOVE HIM! LOVE WILSON MOORE? +YES, YOU FOOL! I LOVE HIM! YES! YES! +YES!" (Decorative heart, in which a little door +slowly opens, showing the face of Columbine.)</p> + +<p class="tei tei-p"></p> + +<p class="tei tei-p">But time is short and there is a Semon comedy to +follow immediately after this. So all that we can +divulge is that Jack has Wils Moore wrongly accused +of cattle-rustling, bringing down on his own +head the following chatty bit from his affianced +bride:</p> + +<p class="tei tei-p">"SO THAT'S YOUR REVENGE.... BUT +YOU'RE TO RECKON WITH ME, JACK +BELLLOUNDS! YOU VILLAIN! YOU DEVIL! +YOU"—</p> + +<p class="tei tei-p">It would be unfair to the millions of readers who +will struggle for possession of the circulating-library +copies of "The Mysterious Rider" to tell just what +happens after this. But need we hesitate to divulge +that the final subtitle will be:<span class="tei-pb" id="page226">[pg 226]</span><a name="Pg226" id="Pg226" class="tei tei-anchor"></a></p> + +<p class="tei tei-p">"'I HAVE FAITH AND HOPE AND LOVE, +FOR I AM HIS DAUGHTER.' A FAINT, COOL +BREEZE STRAYED THROUGH THE ASPENS, +RUSTLING THE LEAVES WHISPERINGLY, +AND THE SLENDER COLUMBINES, GLEAMING +PALE IN THE TWILIGHT LIFTED +THEIR SWEET FACES." (Decorative bull.)<span class="tei-pb" id="page227">[pg 227]</span><a name="Pg227" id="Pg227" class="tei tei-anchor"></a></p> +</div> + +<hr class="page" /> + +<div class="tei tei-div"> +<a name="toc_73" id="toc_73"></a> +<h1 class="tei tei-head">XLIV—SUPPRESSING "JURGEN"</h1> + +<p class="tei tei-p">Of course it was silly to suppress "Jurgen." +That goes without saying. But it seems +equally silly, because of its being suppressed, to +hail it as high art. It is simply Mr. James Branch +Cabell's quaint way of telling a raw story and it +isn't particularly his own way, either. Personally, +I like the modern method much better.</p> + +<p class="tei tei-p">"Jurgen" is a frank imitation of the old-time +pornographers and although it is a very good imitation, +it need not rank Mr. Cabell any higher than +the maker of a plaster-of-paris copy of some B[oe]otian +sculptural oddity.</p> + +<p class="tei tei-p">The author, in defense of his fortunate book, +lifts his eyebrows and says, "Honi soit." He +claims, and quite rightly, that everything he has +written has at least one decent meaning, and that +anyone who reads anything indecent into it automatically +convicts himself of being in a pathological +condition. The question is, if Mr. Cabell had been +convinced beforehand that nowhere in all this broad +land would there be anyone who would read another +<span class="tei-pb" id="page228">[pg 228]</span><a name="Pg228" id="Pg228" class="tei tei-anchor"></a>meaning into his lily-white words, would he ever +have bothered to write the book at all?</p> + +<p class="tei tei-p">Mr. Cabell is admittedly a genealogist. He is an +earnest student of the literature of past centuries. +He has become so steeped in the phrases and literary +mannerisms of the middle and upper-middle +ages that, even in his book of modern essays "Beyond +Life," he is constantly emitting strange words +which were last used by the correspondents +who covered the crusades. No man has to be as +artificially obsolete as Mr. Cabell is. He likes +to be.</p> + +<p class="tei tei-p">In "Jurgen" he has simply let himself go. There +is no pretense of writing like a modern. There is +no pretense of writing in the style of even James +Branch Cabell. It is frankly "in the manner of" +those ancient authors whose works are sold surreptitiously +to college students by gentlemen who +whisper their selling-talk behind a line of red sample +bindings. And it is not in the manner of Rabelais, +although Rabelais's name has been frequently used +in describing "Jurgen." Rabelais seldom hid his +thought behind two meanings. There was only one +meaning, and you could take it or leave it. And +Rabelais would never have said "Honi soit" by +way of defense.</p> + +<p class="tei tei-p">The general effect is one of Fielding or Sterne +<span class="tei-pb" id="page229">[pg 229]</span><a name="Pg229" id="Pg229" class="tei tei-anchor"></a>telling the story of Sir Gawain and the Green +Knight, with their own embellishments, to the boys +at the club.</p> + +<p class="tei tei-p"></p> + +<p class="tei tei-p">If all that is necessary to produce a work of art +is to take a drummer's story and tell it in dusty +English, we might try our luck with the modern +smoking-car yarn about the traveling-man who +came to the country hotel late at night, and see +how far we can get with it in the manner of James +Branch Cabell imitating Fielding imitating someone +else.</p> + +<p class="tei tei-p"></p> + +<p class="tei tei-p">It is a tale which they narrate in Nouveau Rochelle, +saying: In the old days there came one night +a traveling man to an inn, and the night was late, +and he was sore beset, what with rag-tag-and-bob-tail. +Eftsoons he made known his wants to the +churl behind the desk, who was named Gogyrvan. +And thus he spake:</p> + +<p class="tei tei-p">"Any rooms?"</p> + +<p class="tei tei-p">"Indeed, sir, no," was Gogyrvan's glose.</p> + +<p class="tei tei-p">"Now but this is an deplorable thing, God wot," +says the traveling man. "Fie, brother, but you +think awry. Come, don smart your thinking-cap +and answer me again. An' you have forgot my +query; it was: 'Any rooms, bo?'"<span class="tei-pb" id="page230">[pg 230]</span><a name="Pg230" id="Pg230" class="tei tei-anchor"></a></p> + +<p class="tei tei-p">Whereat the churl behind the desk gat him down +from his stool and closed one eye in a wink.</p> + +<p class="tei tei-p">"There is one room," he says, and places his +forefinger along the side of his nose, in the manner +of a man who places his forefinger along the side of +his nose.</p> + +<p class="tei tei-p">But at this point I am stopped short by the warning +passage through the room of a cold, damp current +of air as from the grave, and I know that it +is one of Mr. Sumner's vice deputies flitting by on +his rounds in defense of the public morals. So I +can go no further, for public morals must be defended +even at the cost of public morality (a statement +which means nothing but which sounds rather +well, I think. I shall try to work it in again some +time).</p> + +<p class="tei tei-p">But perhaps enough has been said to show that +it is perfectly easy to write something that will +sound classic if you can only remember enough +old words. When Mr. Cabell has learned the language, +he ought to write a good book in modern +English. There are lots of people who read it and +they speak very highly of it as a means of expression.</p> + +<p class="tei tei-p">But there are certain things that you cannot express +in it without sounding crass, which would be +a disadvantage in telling a story like "Jurgen."<span class="tei-pb" id="page231">[pg 231]</span><a name="Pg231" id="Pg231" class="tei tei-anchor"></a></p> +</div> + +<hr class="page" /> + +<div class="tei tei-div"> +<a name="toc_74" id="toc_74"></a> +<h1 class="tei tei-head">XLV—ANTI-IBÁÑEZ</h1> + +<p class="tei tei-p">While on the subject of books which we read +because we think we ought to, and while +Vicente Blasco Ibáñez is on the ocean and can't hear +what is being said, let's form a secret society.</p> + +<p class="tei tei-p">I will be one of any three to meet behind a barn +and admit that I would not give a good gosh darn +if a fortune-teller were to tell me tomorrow that I +should never, never have a chance to read another +book by the great Spanish novelist.</p> + +<p class="tei tei-p">Any of the American reading public who desire +to join this secret society may do so without +fear of publicity, as the names will not be given +out. The only means of distinguishing a fellow-member +will be a tiny gold emblem, to be worn in +the lapel, representing the figure (couchant) of +Spain's most touted animal. The motto will be +"Nimmermehr," which is a German translation of +the Spanish phrase "Not even once again."</p> + +<p class="tei tei-p"></p> + +<p class="tei tei-p">Simply because I myself am not impressed by a +book, I have no authority to brand anyone who +<span class="tei-pb" id="page232">[pg 232]</span><a name="Pg232" id="Pg232" class="tei tei-anchor"></a>does not like it as a poseur and say that he is only +making believe that he likes it. And there must +be a great many highly literary people who really +and sincerely do think that Señor Blasco's books +are the finest novels of the epoch.</p> + +<p class="tei tei-p">It would therefore be presumptuous of me to say +that Spain is now, for the first time since before +1898, in a position to kid the United States and, +vicariously through watching her famous son count +his royalties and gate receipts, to feel avenged for +the loss of her islands. If America has found something +superfine in Ibáñez that his countrymen have +missed, then America is of course to be congratulated +and not kidded.</p> + +<p class="tei tei-p">But probably no one was more surprised than +Blasco when he suddenly found himself a lion in +our literary arena instead of in his accustomed rôle +of bull in his home ring. And those who know say +that you could have knocked his compatriots over +with a feather when the news came that old man +Ibáñez's son had made good in the United States +to the extent of something like five hundred million +pesetas.</p> + +<p class="tei tei-p">For, like the prophet whom some one was telling +about, Ibáñez was not known at home as a +particularly hot tamale. But, then, he never had +such a persistent publisher in Spain, and book-advertising +<span class="tei-pb" id="page233">[pg 233]</span><a name="Pg233" id="Pg233" class="tei tei-anchor"></a>is not the art there that it is in America. +When the final accounting of the great success of +"The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse" in this +country is taken, honorable mention must be made +of the man at the E.P. Dutton & Co. store who +had charge of the advertising.</p> + +<p class="tei tei-p"></p> + +<p class="tei tei-p">The great Spanish novelist was in the French +propaganda service during the war. It was his +job to make Germany unpopular in Spanish. "The +Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse" is obviously +propaganda, and not particularly subtle propaganda +either. Certain chapters might have come direct +from our own Creel committee, and one may still +be true to the Allied cause and yet maintain that +propaganda and literature do not mix with any degree +of illusion.</p> + +<p class="tei tei-p">There is no question, of course, that those chapters +in the book which are descriptive of the advance +and subsequent retreat of the German troops +under the eye of Don Marcelo are masterpieces of +descriptive reporting. But Philip Gibbs has given +us a whole book of masterpieces of descriptive +reporting which do not bear the stamp of approval +of the official propaganda bureau. And, +furthermore, Philip Gibbs does not wear a sport +shirt open at the neck. At least, he never had his +picture taken that way.<span class="tei-pb" id="page234">[pg 234]</span><a name="Pg234" id="Pg234" class="tei tei-anchor"></a></p> + +<p class="tei tei-p">As for the rest of the books that were dragged +out from the Spanish for "storehouse" when "The +Four Horsemen" romped in winners, I can speak +only as I would speak of "The World's Most Famous +Battles" or "Heroines in Shakespeare." I +have looked them over. I gave "Mare Nostrum" +a great deal of my very valuable time because the +advertisements spoke so highly of it. "Woman +Triumphant" took less time because I decided to +stop earlier in the book. "Blood and Sand" I +passed up, having once seen a Madrid bull-fight for +myself, which may account for this nasty attitude +I have toward any Spanish product. I am told, +however, that this is the best of them all.</p> + +<p class="tei tei-p">It is remarkable that for a writer who seems to +have left such an indelible imprint in the minds of +the American people, whose works have been ranked +with the greatest of all time and who received more +publicity during one day of his visit here than +Charles Dickens received during his whole sojourn +in America, Señor Blasco and his works form a +remarkably small part of the spontaneous literary +conversation of the day. The characters which he +has created have not taken any appreciable hold +in the public imagination. Their names are never +used as examples of anything. Who were some of +his chief characters, by the way? What did they +<span class="tei-pb" id="page235">[pg 235]</span><a name="Pg235" id="Pg235" class="tei tei-anchor"></a>say that was worth remembering? What did they +do that characters have not been doing for many +generations? Did you ever hear anyone say, "He +talks like a character in Ibáñez," or "This might +have happened in one of Ibáñez's books"?</p> + +<p class="tei tei-p">Of course it is possible for a man to write a great +book from which no one would quote. That is +probably happening all the time. But it is because +no one has read it. Here we have an author whose +vogue in this country, according to statistics, is equal +to that of any writer of novels in the world. And +as soon as his publicity department stops functioning, +I should like to lay a little bet that he will not +be heard of again.<span class="tei-pb" id="page236">[pg 236]</span><a name="Pg236" id="Pg236" class="tei tei-anchor"></a></p> +</div> + +<hr class="page" /> + +<div class="tei tei-div"> +<a name="toc_75" id="toc_75"></a> +<h1 class="tei tei-head">XLVI—ON BRICKLAYING</h1> + +<p class="tei tei-p">After a series of introspective accounts of +the babyhood, childhood, adolescence and inevitably +gloomy maturity of countless men and +women, it is refreshing to turn to "Bricklaying in +Modern Practice," by Stewart Scrimshaw. "Heigh-ho!" +one says. "Back to normal again!"</p> + +<p class="tei tei-p">For bricklaying is nothing if not normal, and Mr. +Scrimshaw has given just enough of the romantic +charm of artistic enthusiasm to make it positively +fascinating.</p> + +<p class="tei tei-p">"There was a time when man did not know how +to lay bricks," he says in his scholarly introductory +chapter on "The Ancient Art," "a time when he +did not know how to make bricks. There was a +time when fortresses and cathedrals were unknown, +and churches and residences were not to be seen +on the face of the earth. But today we see wonderful +architecture, noble and glorious structures, +magnificent skyscrapers and pretty home-like +bungalows."</p> + +<p class="tei tei-p">To one who has been scouring Westchester +<span class="tei-pb" id="page237">[pg 237]</span><a name="Pg237" id="Pg237" class="tei tei-anchor"></a>County for the past two months looking at the +structures which are being offered for sale as homes, +"pretty home-like bungalows" comes as <span style="font-style: italic" class="tei tei-hi">le mot +juste</span>. They certainly are no more than pretty +home-like.</p> + +<p class="tei tei-p"></p> + +<p class="tei tei-p">One cannot read far in Mr. Scrimshaw's book +without blushing for the inadequacy of modern education. +We are turned out of our schools as educated +young men and women, and yet what college +graduate here tonight can tell me when the first +brick in America was made? Or even where it was +made?... I thought not.</p> + +<p class="tei tei-p">Well, it was made in New Haven in 1650. Mr. +Scrimshaw does not say what it was made for, +but a conjecture would be that it was the handiwork +of Yale students for tactical use in the Harvard +game. (Oh, I know that Yale wasn't running in +1650, but what difference does that make in an +informal little article like this? It is getting so that +a man can't make any statement at all without being +caught up on it by some busybody or other.)</p> + +<p class="tei tei-p"></p> + +<p class="tei tei-p">But let's get down to the art itself.</p> + +<p class="tei tei-p">Mr. Scrimshaw's first bit of advice is very sound. +"The bricklayer should first take a keen glance at +the scaffolding upon which he is to work, to see +that there is nothing broken or dangerous connected +<span class="tei-pb" id="page238">[pg 238]</span><a name="Pg238" id="Pg238" class="tei tei-anchor"></a>with it.... This is essential, because more important +than anything else to him is the preservation +of his life and limb."</p> + +<p class="tei tei-p">Oh, Mr. Scrimshaw, how true that is! If I were +a bricklayer I would devote practically my whole +morning inspecting the scaffolding on which I was +to work. Whatever else I shirked, I would put my +whole heart and soul into this part of my task. +Every rope should be tested, every board examined, +and I doubt if even then I would go up on the scaffold. +Any bricks that I could not lay with my feet +on terra firma (there is a joke somewhere about +terra cotta, but I'm busy now) could be laid by +some one else.</p> + +<p class="tei tei-p"></p> + +<p class="tei tei-p">But we don't seem to be getting ahead in our +instruction in practical bricklaying. Well, all right, +take this:</p> + +<p class="tei tei-p">"Pressed bricks, which are buttered, can be laid +with a one-eighth-inch joint, although a joint of +three-sixteenths of an inch is to be preferred."</p> + +<p class="tei tei-p">Joe, get this gentleman a joint of three-sixteenths +of an inch, buttered. Service, that's our motto!</p> + +<p class="tei tei-p"></p> + +<p class="tei tei-p">It takes a book like this to make a man realize +what he misses in his everyday life. For instance, +who would think that right here in New York there +<span class="tei-pb" id="page239">[pg 239]</span><a name="Pg239" id="Pg239" class="tei tei-anchor"></a>were people who specialized in corbeling? Rain or +shine, hot or cold, you will find them corbeling +around like Trojans. Or when they are not corbeling +they may be toothing. (I too thought that this +might be a misprint for "teething," but it is spelled +"toothing" throughout the book, so I guess that +Mr. Scrimshaw knows what he is about.) Of all +departments of bricklaying I should think that it +would be more fun to tooth than to do anything +else. But it must be tiring work. I suppose that +many a bricklayer's wife has said to her neighbor, +"I am having a terrible time with my husband +this week. He is toothing, and comes home so cross +and irritable that nothing suits him."</p> + +<p class="tei tei-p">Another thing that a bricklayer has to be careful +of, according to the author (and I have no reason +to contest his warning), is the danger of stepping +on spawls. If there is one word that I would leave +with the young bricklayer about to enter his trade +it is "Beware of the spawls, my boy." They are +insidious, those spawls are. You think you are all +right and then—pouf! Or maybe "crash" would +be a better descriptive word. Whatever noise is +made by a spawl when stepped on is the one I want. +Perhaps "swawk" would do. I'll have to look up +"spawl" first, I guess.<span class="tei-pb" id="page240">[pg 240]</span><a name="Pg240" id="Pg240" class="tei tei-anchor"></a></p> + +<p class="tei tei-p">Well, anyway, there you have practical bricklaying +in a nutshell. Of course there are lots of +other points in the book and some dandy pictures +and it would pay you to read it. But in case you +haven't time, just skim over this résumé again and +you will have the gist of it.<span class="tei-pb" id="page241">[pg 241]</span><a name="Pg241" id="Pg241" class="tei tei-anchor"></a></p> +</div> + +<hr class="page" /> + +<div class="tei tei-div"> +<a name="toc_76" id="toc_76"></a> +<h1 class="tei tei-head">XLVII—"AMERICAN ANNIVERSARIES"</h1> + +<p class="tei tei-p">Mr. Phillip R. Dillon has compiled and +published in his "American Anniversaries" +a book for men who do things. For every day in +the year there is a record of something which has +been accomplished in American history. For instance, +under Jan. 1 we find that the parcel-post +system was inaugurated in the United States in +1913, while Jan. 2 is given as the anniversary of +the battle of Murfreesboro (or Stone's River, as you +prefer). The whole book is like that; just one +surprise after another.</p> + +<p class="tei tei-p">What, for instance, do you suppose that Saturday +marked the completion of?... Presuming that +no one has answered correctly, I will disclose (after +consulting Mr. Dillon's book) that July 31 marked +the completion of the 253d year since the signing +of the Treaty of Breda. But what, you may say—and +doubtless are saying at this very minute—what +has the Treaty of Breda (which everyone knows +was signed in Holland by representatives of England, +France, Holland and Denmark) got to do with +<span class="tei-pb" id="page242">[pg 242]</span><a name="Pg242" id="Pg242" class="tei tei-anchor"></a>American history? And right there is where Mr. +Dillon and I would have you. In the Treaty of +Breda, Acadia (or Nova Scotia) was given to France +and New York and New Jersey were confirmed to +England. So, you see, inhabitants of New York +and New Jersey (and, after all, who isn't?) should +have especial cause for celebrating July 31 as +Breda Day, for if it hadn't been for that treaty +we might have belonged to Poland and been mixed +up in all the mess that is now going on over +there.</p> + +<p class="tei tei-p"></p> + +<p class="tei tei-p">I must confess that I turned to the date of the +anniversary of my own birth with no little expectation. +Of course I am not so very well known except +among the tradespeople in my town, but I should be +willing to enter myself in a popularity contest with +the Treaty of Breda. But evidently there is a +conspiracy of silence directed against me on the +part of the makers of anniversary books and calendars. +While no mention was made of my having +been born on Sept. 15, considerable space was given +to recording the fact that on that date in 1840 a +patent for a knitting machine was issued to the +inventor, who was none other than Isaac Wixan +Lamb of Salem, Mass.</p> + +<p class="tei tei-p">Now I would be the last one to belittle the importance +<span class="tei-pb" id="page243">[pg 243]</span><a name="Pg243" id="Pg243" class="tei tei-anchor"></a>of knitting or the invention of a knitting +machine. I know some very nice people who knit +a great deal. But really, when it comes to anniversaries +I don't see where Isaac Wixon Lamb gets off +to crash in ahead of me or a great many other +people that I could name. And it doesn't help any, +either, to find that James Fenimore Cooper and +William Howard Taft are both mentioned as having +been born on that day or that the chief basic patent +for gasoline automobiles in America was issued in +1895 to George B. Selden. It certainly was a big +day for patents. But one realizes more than ever +after reading this section that you have to have a +big name to get into an anniversary book. The average +citizen has no show at all.</p> + +<p class="tei tei-p"></p> + +<p class="tei tei-p">In spite of these rather obvious omissions, Mr. +Dillon's Book is both valuable and readable. Especially +in those events which occurred early in the +country's history is there material for comparison +with the happenings of the present day, events +which will some day be incorporated in a similar +book compiled by some energetic successor of Mr. +Dillon.</p> + +<p class="tei tei-p">For instance, under Oct. 27, 1659, we find that +William Robinson and Marmaduke Stevenson were +banished from New Hampshire on the charge of being +<span class="tei-pb" id="page244">[pg 244]</span><a name="Pg244" id="Pg244" class="tei tei-anchor"></a>Quakers and were later executed for returning to +the colony. Imagine!</p> + +<p class="tei tei-p">And on Dec. 8, 1837, Wendell Phillips delivered +his first abolition speech at Boston in Faneuil Hall, +as a result of which he got himself known around +Boston as an undesirable citizen, a dangerous radical +and a revolutionary trouble-maker. It hardly seems +possible now, does it?</p> + +<p class="tei tei-p">And on July 4, 1776—but there, why rub it in?<span class="tei-pb" id="page245">[pg 245]</span><a name="Pg245" id="Pg245" class="tei tei-anchor"></a></p> +</div> + +<hr class="page" /> + +<div class="tei tei-div"> +<a name="toc_77" id="toc_77"></a> +<h1 class="tei tei-head">XLVIII—A WEEK-END WITH WELLS</h1> + +<p class="tei tei-p">In the February Bookman there is an informal +article by John Elliot called "At Home with H.G. +Wells" in which we are let in on the ground floor +in the Wells household and shown "H.G." (as his +friends and his wife call him) at play. It is an +interesting glimpse at the small doings of a great +man, but there is one feature of those doings which +has an ominous sound.</p> + +<p class="tei tei-p">"The Wells that everyone loves who sees him +at Easton is the human Wells, the family Wells, +the jovial Wells, Wells the host of some Sunday +afternoon party. For a distance of ten or twenty +miles round folks come on Sunday to play hockey +and have tea. Old and young—people from down +London who never played hockey before in their +lives; country farmers and their daughters, and +everybody else who lives in the district—troop over +and bring whoever happens to be the week-end +guest. Wells is delightful to them all. He doesn't +give a rap if they are solid Tories, Bolsheviks, Liberals, +or men and women of no political leanings, +<span class="tei-pb" id="page246">[pg 246]</span><a name="Pg246" id="Pg246" class="tei tei-anchor"></a>Can you play hockey? is all that matters. If you +say No you are rushed toward a pile of sticks and +given one and told to go in the forward line; if you +say Yes you are probably made a vice captain on +the spot."</p> + +<p class="tei tei-p"></p> + +<p class="tei tei-p">I am frank to confess that this sounds perfectly +terrible to me. I can't imagine a worse place in +which to spend a week-end than one where your host +is always boisterously forcing you to take part in +games and dances about which you know nothing. +A week-end guest ought to be ignored, allowed to +rummage about alone among the books, live stock +and cold food in the ice-box whenever he feels like +it, and not rushed willy-nilly (something good could +be done using the famous Willy-Nilly correspondence +as a base, but not here), into whatever the +family itself may consider a good time.</p> + +<p class="tei tei-p">In such a household as the Wells household must +be you are greeted by your hostess in a robust +manner with "So glad you're on time. The match +begins at two." And when you say "What match," +you are told that there is a little tennis tournament +on for the week-end and that you and Hank are +scheduled to start the thing off with a bang. "But +I haven't played tennis for five years," you protest, +thinking of the delightful privacy of your own little +<span class="tei-pb" id="page247">[pg 247]</span><a name="Pg247" id="Pg247" class="tei tei-anchor"></a>hall bedroom in town. "Never mind, it will all +come back to you. Bill has got some extra things +all put out for you upstairs." So you start off your +week-end by making a dub of yourself and are +known from that afternoon on by the people who +didn't catch your name as "the man who had such +a funny serve."</p> + +<p class="tei tei-p">Or if it isn't that, it's dancing. Immediately +after dinner, just as you are about to settle down +for a comfortable evening by the fire, you notice +that they are rolling back the rugs. "House-cleaning?" +you suggest, with a nervous little laugh. "Oh, +no, just a little dancing in your honor." And then +you tell them that your honor will be satisfied +perfectly without dancing, that you haven't danced +since you left school, that you don't dance very +well, or that you have hurt your foot; to which the +only reply is an encouraging laugh and a hail-fellow-well-met +push out into the middle of the floor.</p> + +<p class="tei tei-p">A pox on both your house parties!</p> + +<p class="tei tei-p"></p> + +<p class="tei tei-p">And yet, in a way, that is just what one might +expect from Mr. Wells. He has done the same +thing to me in his books many a time. I personally +have but little facility for world-repairing. I haven't +the slightest idea of how one would go about making +things better. And yet before I am more than two-thirds +<span class="tei-pb" id="page248">[pg 248]</span><a name="Pg248" id="Pg248" class="tei tei-anchor"></a>of the way through "Joan and Peter" or +"The Undying Fire" or "The Outline of History," +Mr. Wells has me out on the hockey-field waving +a stick with a magnificent enthusiasm but no aim, +rushing up and down and calling, "Come on, now!" +to no one in particular.</p> + +<p class="tei tei-p">No matter how discouraging things seem when I +pick up a Wells book, or how averse I may be to +launching out on a crusade of any sort, I always +end by walking with a firm step to the door (feeling, +somehow, that I have grown quite a bit taller and +much handsomer) and saying quietly: "Meadows, +my suit of armor, please; the one with a chain-mail +shirt and a purple plume."</p> + +<p class="tei tei-p">This, of course, is silly, as any of Mr. Wells's +critics will tell you. It is the effect that he has on +irresponsible, visionary minds. But if all the irresponsible, +visionary minds in the world become sufficiently +belligerent through a continued reading of +Mr. Wells, or even of the New Testament, who +knows but what they may become just practical +enough to take a hand at running things? They +couldn't do much worse than the responsible, practical +minds have done, now, could they?<span class="tei-pb" id="page249">[pg 249]</span><a name="Pg249" id="Pg249" class="tei tei-anchor"></a></p> +</div> + +<hr class="page" /> + +<div class="tei tei-div"> +<a name="toc_78" id="toc_78"></a> +<h1 class="tei tei-head">XLIX—ABOUT PORTLAND CEMENT</h1> + +<p class="tei tei-p">Portland cement is "the finely pulverized +product resulting from the calcination to incipient +fusion of an intimate mixture of properly +proportioned argillaceous and calcareous materials +and to which no addition greater than 3 per cent +has been made subsequent to calcination."</p> + +<p class="tei tei-p">That, in a word, is the keynote of H. Colin Campbell's +"How to Use Cement for Concrete Construction." +In case you should never read any more of +the book, you would have that.</p> + +<p class="tei tei-p">But to the reader who is not satisfied with this +taste of the secret of cement construction and who +reads on into Mr. Campbell's work, there is revealed +a veritable mine of information. And in the light +of the recent turn of events one might even call it +significant. (Any turn of events will do.)</p> + +<p class="tei tei-p"></p> + +<p class="tei tei-p">The first chapter is given over to a plea for concrete. +Judging from the claims made for concrete +by Mr. Campbell, it will accomplish everything that +a return to Republican administration would do, +<span class="tei-pb" id="page250">[pg 250]</span><a name="Pg250" id="Pg250" class="tei tei-anchor"></a>and wouldn't be anywhere near so costly. It will +make your barn fireproof; it will insure clean milk +for your children; it will provide a safe housing +for your automobile. Farm prosperity and concrete go +hand in hand.</p> + +<p class="tei tei-p">In case there are any other members of society +who have been with me in thinking that Portland +cement is a product of Portland, Me., or Portland, +Ore., it might as well be stated right here and now +that America had nothing to do with the founding +of the industry, and that the lucky Portland is an +island off the south coast of England.</p> + +<p class="tei tei-p">It was a bright sunny afternoon in May, 1824, +when Joseph Aspdin, an intelligent bricklayer of +Leeds, England, was carelessly calcining a mixture +of limestone and clay, as bricklayers often do on +their days off, that he suddenly discovered, on reducing +the resulting clinker to a powder, that this +substance, on hardening, resembled nothing so much +as the yellowish-gray stone found in the quarries on +the Isle of Portland. (How Joe knew what grew +on the Isle of Portland when his home was in Leeds +is not explained. Maybe he spent his summers at +the Portland House, within three minutes of the +bathing beach.)</p> + +<p class="tei tei-p">At any rate, on discovering the remarkable similarity +between the mess he had cooked up and Portland +<span class="tei-pb" id="page251">[pg 251]</span><a name="Pg251" id="Pg251" class="tei tei-anchor"></a>stone, he called to his wife and said: "Eunice, +come here a minute! What does this remind you +of?"</p> + +<p class="tei tei-p">The usually cheerful brow of Eunice Aspdin +clouded for the fraction of a second.</p> + +<p class="tei tei-p">"That night up at Bert and Edna's?" she ventured.</p> + +<p class="tei tei-p">"No, no, my dear," said the intelligent bricklayer, +slightly irked. "Anyone could see that this +here substance is a dead ringer for Portland stone, +and I am going to make heaps and heaps of it and +call it 'Portland cement.' It is little enough that I +can do for the old island."</p> + +<p class="tei tei-p">And so that's how Portland cement was named. +Rumor hath it that the first Portland cement in +America was made at Allentown, Pa., in 1875, but +I wouldn't want to be quoted as having said that. +But I will say that the total annual production in +this country is now over 90,000,000 barrels.</p> + +<p class="tei tei-p"></p> + +<p class="tei tei-p">It is interesting to note that cement is usually +packed in cloth sacks, although sometimes paper +bags are used.</p> + +<p class="tei tei-p">"A charge is made for packing cement in paper +bags," the books says. "These, of course, are not +redeemable."</p> + +<p class="tei tei-p">One can understand their not wanting to take +<span class="tei-pb" id="page252">[pg 252]</span><a name="Pg252" id="Pg252" class="tei tei-anchor"></a>back a paper bag in which cement has been +wrapped. The wonder is that the bag lasts until +you get home with it. I tried to take six cantaloups +home in a paper bag the other night and had +a bad enough time of it. Cement, when it is in +good form, must be much worse than cantaloup, and +the redeemable remnants of the bag must be negligible. +But why charge extra for using paper bags? +That seems like adding whatever it is you add to +injury. Apologies, rather than extra charge, should +be in order. However, I suppose that these cement +people understand their business. I shall +know enough to watch out, however, and insist on +having whatever cement I may be called upon to +carry home done up in a cloth sack. "Not in a +paper bag, if you please," I shall say very politely +to the clerk.<span class="tei-pb" id="page253">[pg 253]</span><a name="Pg253" id="Pg253" class="tei tei-anchor"></a></p> +</div> + +<hr class="page" /> + +<div class="tei tei-div"> +<a name="toc_79" id="toc_79"></a> +<h1 class="tei tei-head">L—OPEN BOOKCASES</h1> + +<p class="tei tei-p">Things have come to a pretty pass when a +man can't buy a bookcase that hasn't got +glass doors on it. What are we becoming—a nation +of weaklings?</p> + +<p class="tei tei-p">All over New York city I have been,—trying to +get something in which to keep books. And what +am I shown? Curio cabinets, inclosed whatnots, +museum cases in which to display fragments from +the neolithic age, and glass-faced sarcophagi for +dead butterflies.</p> + +<p class="tei tei-p">"But I am apt to use my books at any time," +I explain to the salesman. "I never can tell when +it is coming on me. And when I want a book I +want it quickly. I don't want to have to send down +to the office for the key, and I don't want to have +to manipulate any trick ball-bearings and open up +a case as if I were getting cream-puffs out for a +customer. I want a bookcase for books and not +books for a bookcase."</p> + +<p class="tei tei-p">(I really don't say all those clever things to the +clerk. It took me quite a while to think them up. +<span class="tei-pb" id="page254">[pg 254]</span><a name="Pg254" id="Pg254" class="tei tei-anchor"></a>What I really say is, timidly, "Haven't you any +bookcases without glass doors?" and when they +say "No," I thank them and walk into the nearest +dining-room table.)</p> + +<p class="tei tei-p">But if they keep on getting arrogant about it I +shall speak up to them one of these fine days. +When I ask for an open-faced bookcase they look +with a scornful smile across the salesroom toward +the mahogany four-posters and say:</p> + +<p class="tei tei-p">"Oh, no, we don't carry those any more. We +don't have any call for them. Every one uses the +glass-doored ones now. They keep the books much +cleaner."</p> + +<p class="tei tei-p">Then the ideal procedure for a real book-lover +would be to keep his books in the original box, +snugly packed in excelsior, with the lid nailed down. +Then they would be nice and clean. And the sun +couldn't get at them and ruin the bindings. Faugh! +(Try saying that. It doesn't work out at all as +you think it's going to. And it makes you feel +very silly for having tried it.)</p> + +<p class="tei tei-p"></p> + +<p class="tei tei-p">Why, in the elder days bookcases with glass doors +were owned only by people who filled them with +ten volumes of a pictorial history of the Civil War +(including some swell steel engravings), "Walks +<span class="tei-pb" id="page255">[pg 255]</span><a name="Pg255" id="Pg255" class="tei tei-anchor"></a>and Talks with John L. Stoddard" and "Daily +Thoughts for Daily Needs," done in robin's-egg blue +with a watered silk bookmark dangling out. A set +of Sir Walter Scott always helps fill out a bookcase +with glass doors. It looks well from the front +and shows that you know good literature when you +see it. And you don't have to keep opening and +shutting the doors to get it out, for you never want +to get it out.</p> + +<p style="text-align: center" class="tei tei-p"><a name="image15" id="image15" class="tei tei-anchor"></a> +<img src="images/image15.png" alt="I thank them and walk into the nearest dining-room table." class="tei tei-figure" /></p> +<p style="text-align: center" class="tei tei-p">I thank them and walk into the nearest dining-room table.</p> + +<p class="tei tei-p">A bookcase with glass doors used to be a sign +that somewhere in the room there was a crayon portrait +of Father when he was a young man, with a +real piece of glass stuck on the portrait to represent +a diamond stud.</p> + +<p class="tei tei-p">And now we are told that "every one buys bookcases +with glass doors; we have no call for others." +Soon we shall be told that the thing to do is to buy +the false backs of bindings, such as they have in +stage libraries, to string across behind the glass. +It will keep us from reading too much, and then, +too, no one will want to borrow our books.</p> + +<p class="tei tei-p"></p> + +<p class="tei tei-p">But one clerk told me the truth. And I am just +fearless enough to tell it here. I know that it will +kill my chances for the Presidency, but I cannot +stop to think of that.</p> + +<p class="tei tei-p">After advising me to have a carpenter build me +<span class="tei-pb" id="page256">[pg 256]</span><a name="Pg256" id="Pg256" class="tei tei-anchor"></a>the kind of bookcase I wanted, and after I had told +him that I had my name in for a carpenter but +wasn't due to get him until late in the fall, as he +was waiting for prices to go higher before taking +the job on, the clerk said:</p> + +<p class="tei tei-p">"That's it. It's the price. You see the furniture +manufacturers can make much more money +out of a bookcase with glass doors than they can +without. When by hanging glass doors on a piece +of furniture at but little more expense to themselves +they can get a much bigger profit, what's the +sense in making them without glass doors? They +have just stopped making them, that's all."</p> + +<p class="tei tei-p">So you see the American people are being practically +forced into buying glass doors whether they +want them or not. Is that right? Is it fair? +Where is our personal liberty going to? What is +becoming of our traditional American institutions?</p> + +<p class="tei tei-p">I don't know.<span class="tei-pb" id="page257">[pg 257]</span><a name="Pg257" id="Pg257" class="tei tei-anchor"></a></p> +</div> + +<hr class="page" /> + +<div class="tei tei-div"> +<a name="toc_80" id="toc_80"></a> +<h1 class="tei tei-head">LI—TROUT-FISHING</h1> + +<p class="tei tei-p">I never knew very much about trout-fishing +anyway, and I certainly had no inkling that a +trout-fisher had to be so deceitful until I read +"Trout-Fishing in Brooks," by G. Garrow-Green. +The thing is appalling. Evidently the sport is +nothing but a constant series of compromises with +one's better nature, what with sneaking about pretending +to be something that one is not, trying to +fool the fish into thinking one thing when just the +reverse is true, and in general behaving in an underhanded +and tricky manner throughout the day.</p> + +<p class="tei tei-p">The very first and evidently the most important +exhortation in the book is, "Whatever you do, +keep out of sight of the fish." Is that open and +above-board? Is it honorable?</p> + +<p class="tei tei-p">"Trout invariably lie in running water with their +noses pointed against the current, and therefore +whatever general chance of concealment there may +be rests in fishing from behind them. The moral +is that the brook-angler must both walk and fish +upstream."<span class="tei-pb" id="page258">[pg 258]</span><a name="Pg258" id="Pg258" class="tei tei-anchor"></a></p> + +<p class="tei tei-p">It seems as if a lot of trouble might be saved +the fisherman, in case he really didn't want to walk +upstream but had to get to some point downstream +before 6 o'clock, to adopt some disguise which +would deceive the fish into thinking that he had +no intention of catching them anyway. A pair of +blue glasses and a cane would give the effect of +the wearer being blind and harmless, and could be +thrown aside very quickly when the time came to +show one's self in one's true colors to the fish. If +there were two anglers they might talk in loud +tones about their dislike for fish in any form, and +then, when the trout were quite reassured and swimming +close to the bank they could suddenly be shot +with a pistol.</p> + +<p class="tei tei-p"></p> + +<p class="tei tei-p">But a little further on comes a suggestion for a +much more elaborate bit of subterfuge.</p> + +<p class="tei tei-p">The author says that in the early season trout +are often engaged with larvae at the bottom and do +not show on the surface. It is then a good plan, +he says, to sink the flies well, moving in short jerks +to imitate nymphs.</p> + +<p class="tei tei-p">You can see that imitating a nymph will call for +a lot of rehearsing, but I doubt very much if moving +in short jerks is the way in which to go about it. +I have never actually seen a nymph, though if I +<span class="tei-pb" id="page259">[pg 259]</span><a name="Pg259" id="Pg259" class="tei tei-anchor"></a>had I should not be likely to admit it, and I can +think of no possible way in which I could give an +adequate illusion of being one myself. Even the +most stupid of trout could easily divine that I was +masquerading, and then the question would immediately +arise in its mind: "If he is not a nymph, +then what is his object in going about like that trying +to imitate one? He is up to no good, I'll be +bound."</p> + +<p class="tei tei-p">And crash! away would go the trout before I +could put my clothes back on.</p> + +<p class="tei tei-p"></p> + +<p class="tei tei-p">There is an interesting note on the care and feeding +of worms on page 67. One hundred and fifty +worms are placed in a tin and allowed to work +their way down into packed moss.</p> + +<p class="tei tei-p">"A little fresh milk poured in occasionally is +sufficient food," writes Mr. Garrow-Green, in the +style of Dr. Holt. "So disposed, the worms soon +become bright, lively and tough."</p> + +<p class="tei tei-p">It is easy to understand why one should want +to have bright worms, so long as they don't know +that they are bright and try to show off before +company, but why deliberately set out to make +them tough? Good manners they may not be expected +to acquire, but a worm with a cultivated +vulgarity sounds intolerable. Imagine 150 very +<span class="tei-pb" id="page260">[pg 260]</span><a name="Pg260" id="Pg260" class="tei tei-anchor"></a>tough worms all crowded together in one tin! +"Canaille" is the only word to describe it.</p> + +<p class="tei tei-p"></p> + +<p class="tei tei-p">I suppose that it is my ignorance of fishing parlance +which makes the following sentence a bit hazy:</p> + +<p class="tei tei-p">"Much has been written about bringing a fish +downstream to help drown it, as no doubt it does; +still, this is often impracticable."</p> + +<p class="tei tei-p">I can think of nothing more impracticable than +trying to drown a fish under any conditions, +upstream or down, but I suppose that Mr. Garrow-Green +knows what he is talking about.</p> + +<p class="tei tei-p">And in at least one of his passages I follow him +perfectly. In speaking of the time of day for fly-fishing +in the spring he says:</p> + +<p class="tei tei-p">"'Carpe diem' is a good watchword when trout +are in the humor." At least, I know a good pun +when I see one.<span class="tei-pb" id="page261">[pg 261]</span><a name="Pg261" id="Pg261" class="tei tei-anchor"></a></p> +</div> + +<hr class="page" /> + +<div class="tei tei-div"> +<a name="toc_81" id="toc_81"></a> +<h1 class="tei tei-head">LII—"SCOUTING FOR GIRLS"</h1> + +<p class="tei tei-p">"Scouting for Girls" is not the kind of +book you think it is. The verb "to scout" +is intransitive in this case. As a matter of fact, +instead of being a volume of advice to men on how +to get along with girls, it is full of advice to girls +on how to get along without men, that is, within +reason, of course.</p> + +<p class="tei tei-p">It is issued by the Girl Scouts and is very subtle +anti-man propaganda. I can't find that men are +mentioned anywhere in the book. It is given over +entirely to telling girls how to chop down trees, +tie knots in ropes, and things like that. Now, as +a man, I am very jealous of my man's prerogative +of chopping down trees and tying knots in ropes, +and I resent the teaching of young girls to usurp +my province in these matters. Any young girl who +has taken one lesson in knot-tying will be able to +make me appear very silly at it. After two lessons +she could tie me hand and foot to a tree and go +away with my watch and commutation ticket. And +then I would look fine, wouldn't I? Small wonder +<span class="tei-pb" id="page262">[pg 262]</span><a name="Pg262" id="Pg262" class="tei tei-anchor"></a>to me that I hail the Girl Scout movement as a +menace and urge its being nipped in the bud as you +would nip a viper in the bud. I would not be surprised +if there were Russian Soviet money back of +it somewhere.</p> + +<p class="tei tei-p"></p> + +<p class="tei tei-p">A companion volume to "Scouting for Girls" is +"Campward, Ho!" a manual for Girl Scout camps. +The keynote is sounded on the first page by a +quotation from Chaucer, beginning:</p> + +<div style="text-align: left" class="tei tei-lg"> +<p class="tei tei-l"><span style="font-style: italic" class="tei tei-hi">"When that Aprille with his schowres swoote</span></p> +<p class="tei tei-l"><span style="font-style: italic" class="tei tei-hi">The drought of March hath perced to the roote,</span></p> +<p class="tei tei-l"><span style="font-style: italic" class="tei tei-hi">And bathus every veyne in swich licour,</span></p> +<p class="tei tei-l"><span style="font-style: italic" class="tei tei-hi">Of which vertue engendred is the flour."</span></p> +</div> + +<p class="tei tei-p">One can almost hear the girls singing that of an +evening as they sit around the campfire tying knots +in ropes. It is really an ideal camping song, because +even the littlest girls can sing the words without +understanding what they mean.</p> + +<p class="tei tei-p">But it really lacks the lilt of the "Marching +Song" printed further on in the book. This is to +be sung to the tune of "Where Do We Go From +Here, Boys?" Bear this in mind while humming +it to yourself:<span class="tei-pb" id="page263">[pg 263]</span><a name="Pg263" id="Pg263" class="tei tei-anchor"></a></p> + +<div style="text-align: left" class="tei tei-lg"> +<h1 class="tei tei-head"><span style="font-style: italic" class="tei tei-hi">MARCHING SONG</span></h1> + +<p class="tei tei-l"><span style="font-style: italic" class="tei tei-hi">Where do we go from here, girls, where do we go from here?</span></p> +<p class="tei tei-l"><span style="font-style: italic" class="tei tei-hi">Anywhere (our Captain<a name="noteref_5" id="noteref_5"></a><a href="#note_5"><span class="footnoteref">5</span></a>) leads we'll follow, never fear.</span></p> +<p class="tei tei-l"><span style="font-style: italic" class="tei tei-hi">The world is full of dandy girls, but wait till we appear—</span></p> +<p style="margin-left: 6em" class="tei tei-l"><span style="font-style: italic" class="tei tei-hi">Then!</span></p> +<p class="tei tei-l"><span style="font-style: italic" class="tei tei-hi">Girl Scouts, Girl Scouts, give us a hearty cheer!</span></p> +</div> + +<p class="tei tei-p">A very stirring marching song, without doubt, +but what would they do if the leader's name +happened to be something like Mary Louise Abercrombie +or Elizabeth Van Der Water? They just +couldn't have a Captain with such a long name, +that's all. And there you have unfair discrimination +creeping into your camp right at the start.</p> + +<p class="tei tei-p"></p> + +<p class="tei tei-p">In "Scouting for Girls" there is some useful +information concerning smoke signals. In case you +are lost, or want to communicate with your friends +who are beyond shouting distance, it is much +quicker than telephoning to build a clear, hot fire +and cover it with green stuff or rotten wood so that +<span class="tei-pb" id="page264">[pg 264]</span><a name="Pg264" id="Pg264" class="tei tei-anchor"></a>it will send up a solid column of black smoke. By +spreading and lifting a blanket over this smudge +the column can be cut up into pieces, long or short +(this is the way it explains it in the book, but it +doesn't sound plausible to me), and by a preconcerted +code these can be made to convey tidings.</p> + +<p class="tei tei-p">For instance, one steady smoke means "Here +is camp."</p> + +<p class="tei tei-p">Two steady smokes mean "I am lost. Come +and help me."</p> + +<p class="tei tei-p">Three smokes in a row mean "Good news!"</p> + +<p class="tei tei-p">I suppose that the Pollyanna of the camping +party is constantly sending up three smokes in a +row on the slightest provocation, and then when +the rest of the outfit have raced across country for +miles to find out what the good news is she probably +shows them, with great enthusiasm, that some +fringed gentians are already in blossom or that the +flicker's eggs have hatched. Unfortunately, there is +no smoke code given for snappy replies, but in the +next paragraph it tells how to carry on a conversation +with pistol shots. One of these would serve +the purpose for repartee.<span class="tei-pb" id="page265">[pg 265]</span><a name="Pg265" id="Pg265" class="tei tei-anchor"></a></p> +</div> + +<hr class="page" /> + +<div class="tei tei-div"> +<a name="toc_82" id="toc_82"></a> +<h1 class="tei tei-head">LIII—HOW TO SELL GOODS</h1> + +<p class="tei tei-p">The Retail Merchants' Association ought to +buy up all the copies of "Elements of Retail +Salesmanship," by Paul Westley Ivey (Macmillan), +and not let a single one get into the hands of a +customer, for once the buying public reads what is +written there the game is up. It tells all about how +to sell goods to people, how to appeal to their weaknesses, +how to exert subtle influences which will win +them over in spite of themselves. Houdini might +as well issue a pamphlet giving in detail his methods +of escape as for the merchants of this country to +let this book remain in circulation.</p> + +<p class="tei tei-p">The art of salesmanship is founded, according to +Mr. Ivey, on, first, a thorough knowledge of the +goods which are to be sold, and second, a knowledge +of the customer. By knowing the customer +you know what line of argument will most appeal +to him. There are several lines in popular use. +First is the appeal to the instinct of self-preservation—i.e., +social self-preservation. The customer +is made to feel that in order to preserve her social +<span class="tei-pb" id="page266">[pg 266]</span><a name="Pg266" id="Pg266" class="tei tei-anchor"></a>standing she must buy the article in question. "She +must be made to feel what a disparaged social self +would mean to her mental comfort."</p> + +<p class="tei tei-p"></p> + +<p class="tei tei-p">It is reassuring to know that it is a recognized +ruse on the part of the salesman to intimate that +unless you buy a particular article you will have +to totter through life branded as the arch-piker. +I have always taken this attitude of the clerks +perfectly seriously. In fact, I have worried quite +a bit about it.</p> + +<p class="tei tei-p">In the store where I am allowed to buy my clothes +it is quite the thing among the salesmen to see which +one of them can degrade me most. They intimate +that, while they have no legal means of refusing +to sell their goods to me, it really would be much +more in keeping with things if I were to take the +few pennies that I have at my disposal and run +around the corner to some little haberdashery for +my shirts and ties. Every time I come out from +that store I feel like Ethel Barrymore in "Déclassée." +Much worse, in fact, for I haven't any +good looks to fall back upon.</p> + +<p style="text-align: center" class="tei tei-p"><a name="image16" id="image16" class="tei tei-anchor"></a> +<img src="images/image16.png" alt="They intimate that I had better take my few pennies and run 'round the corner to some little haberdashery." class="tei tei-figure" /></p> +<p style="text-align: center" class="tei tei-p">They intimate that I had better take my few +pennies and run 'round the corner to some little haberdashery.</p> + +<p class="tei tei-p">But now that I know the clerks are simply acting +all that scorn in an attempt to appeal to my instinct +for the preservation of my social self, I can +face them without flinching. When that pompous +<span class="tei-pb" id="page267">[pg 267]</span><a name="Pg267" id="Pg267" class="tei tei-anchor"></a>old boy with the sandy mustache who has always +looked upon me as a member of the degenerate Juke +family tries to tell me that if I don't take the +five-dollar cravat he won't be responsible for the +way in which decent people will receive me when +I go out on the street, I will reach across the counter +and playfully pull his own necktie out from +his waistcoat and scream, "I know you, you old +rascal! You got that stuff from page 68 of 'Elements +of Retail Salesmanship' (Macmillan)."</p> + +<p class="tei tei-p"></p> + +<p class="tei tei-p">Other traits which a salesperson may appeal to +in the customer are: Vanity, parental pride, greed, +imitation, curiosity and selfishness. One really +gets in touch with a lot of nice people in this work +and can bring out the very best that is in them.</p> + +<p class="tei tei-p">Customers are divided into groups indicative of +temperament. There is first the Impulsive or +Nervous Customer. She is easily recognized because +she walks into the store in "a quick, sometimes +jerky manner. Her eyes are keen-looking; +her expression is intense, oftentimes appearing +strained." She must be approached promptly, according +to the book, and what she desires must be +quickly ascertained. Since these are the rules for +selling to people who enter the store in this manner, +it might be well, no matter how lethargic you may +<span class="tei-pb" id="page268">[pg 268]</span><a name="Pg268" id="Pg268" class="tei tei-anchor"></a>be by nature, to assume the appearance of the Impulsive +or Nervous Customer as soon as you enter +the store, adopting a quick, even jerky manner and +making your eyes as keen-looking as possible, with +an intense expression, oftentimes appearing strained. +Then the clerk will size you up as type No. 1 and +will approach you promptly. After she has quickly +filled your order you may drop the impulsive pose +and assume your natural, slow manner again, whereupon +the clerk will doubtless be highly amused at +having been so cleverly fooled into giving quick +service.</p> + +<p class="tei tei-p"></p> + +<p class="tei tei-p">The opposite type is known as the Deliberate +Customer. She walks slowly and in a dignified +manner. Her facial expression is calm and poised. +"Gestures are uncommon, but if existing tend to +be slow and inconspicuous." She can wait.</p> + +<p class="tei tei-p">Then there is the Vacillating or Indecisive Customer, +the Confident or Decisive Customer (this +one should be treated with subtle flattery and agreement +with all her views), The Talkative or Friendly +Customer, and the Silent or Indifferent one. All +these have their little weaknesses, and the perfect +salesperson will learn to know these and play to them.</p> + +<p class="tei tei-p">There seems to be only one thing left for the +<span class="tei-pb" id="page269">[pg 269]</span><a name="Pg269" id="Pg269" class="tei tei-anchor"></a>customer to do in order to meet this concerted +attack upon his personality. That is, to hire some +expert like Mr. Ivey to study the different types of +sales men and women and formulate methods of +meeting their offensive. Thus, if I am of the type +designated as the Vacillating or Indecisive Customer, +I ought to know what to do when confronted +by a salesman of the Aristocratic, Scornful type, so +that I may not be bulldozed into buying something +I do not want.</p> + +<p class="tei tei-p">If I could only find such a book of instructions +I would go tomorrow and order a black cotton +engineer's shirt from that sandy-mustached salesman +and bawl him out if he raised his eyebrows. +But not having the book, I shall go in and, without +a murmur, buy a $3 silk shirt for $18 and slink out +feeling that if I had been any kind of sport at all +I would also have bought that cork helmet in the +showcase.<span class="tei-pb" id="page270">[pg 270]</span><a name="Pg270" id="Pg270" class="tei tei-anchor"></a></p> +</div> + +<hr class="page" /> + +<div class="tei tei-div"> +<a name="toc_83" id="toc_83"></a> +<h1 class="tei tei-head">LIV—"YOU!"</h1> + +<p class="tei tei-p">In the window of the grocery store to which I +used to be sent after a pound of Mocha and +Java mixed and a dozen of your best oranges, there +was a cardboard figure of a clerk in a white coat +pointing his finger at the passers-by. As I remember, +he was accusing you of not taking home +a bottle of Moxie, and pretty guilty it made you +feel too.</p> + +<p class="tei tei-p">This man was, I believe, the pioneer in what has +since become a great literary movement. He +founded the "You, Mr. Business-Man!" school of +direct appeal. It is strictly an advertising property +and has long been used to sell merchandise to people +who never can resist the flattery of being addressed +personally. When used as an advertisement it is +usually accompanied by an illustration built along +the lines of the pioneer grocery-clerk, pointing a +virile finger at you from the page of the magazine, +and putting the whole thing on a personal basis by +addressing you as "You, Mr. Rider-in-the-Open-Cars!" +<span class="tei-pb" id="page271">[pg 271]</span><a name="Pg271" id="Pg271" class="tei tei-anchor"></a>or "You, Mr. Wearer-of-14½-Shirts!" The +appeal is instantaneous.</p> + +<p class="tei tei-p"></p> + +<p class="tei tei-p">In straight reading-matter, bound in book form +and sold as literature, this Moxie talk becomes a +volume of inspirational sermonizing, and instead of +selling cooling drinks or warming applications, it +throws dynamic paragraph after dynamic paragraph +into the fight for efficiency, concentration, self-confidence +and personality on the part of our body +politic. A homely virtue such as was taught us at +our mother's knee (or across our mother's knees) +at the age of four, in a dozen or so simple words, +is taken and blown up into a book in which it is +stated very impressively in a series of short, snappy +sentences, all saying the same thing.</p> + +<p class="tei tei-p">Such a book is called, for instance "You," written +by Irving R. Allen.</p> + +<p class="tei tei-p"></p> + +<p class="tei tei-p">"You" takes 275 pages to divulge a secret of +success. It would not be fair to Mr. Allen to give +it away here after he has spent so much time concealing +it. But it might be possible to give some +idea of the importance of Mr. Allen's discovery by +stating one of my own, somewhat in the manner in +which he has stated his. I will give my little contribution +to the world's inspiration the title of<span class="tei-pb" id="page272">[pg 272]</span><a name="Pg272" id="Pg272" class="tei tei-anchor"></a></p> + +<p class="tei tei-p">HEY, YOU!</p> + +<p class="tei tei-p">You and I are alone.</p> + +<p class="tei tei-p">No, don't try to get away. That door is locked. +I won't hurt you—much.</p> + +<p class="tei tei-p">What I want to do is make you see yourself. +I want you, when you put down this book, to say, +"I know myself!" I want you to be able to look +at yourself in the mirror and say: "Why, certainly +I remember you, Mr. Addington Simms of Seattle, +you old Rotary Club dog! How's your merger?"</p> + +<p class="tei tei-p">And the only way that you can ever be able to +do this is to read this book through.</p> + +<p class="tei tei-p">Then read it through again.</p> + +<p class="tei tei-p">Then read it through again.</p> + +<p class="tei tei-p">Then ring Dougherty's bell and ask for "Chester."</p> + +<p class="tei tei-p">Now let's get down to business.</p> + +<p class="tei tei-p">I knew a man once who had made a million +dollars. If he hadn't been arrested he would have +made another million.</p> + +<p class="tei tei-p">Do you see what I mean?</p> + +<p class="tei tei-p">If not, go back and read that over a second +time. It's worth it. I wrote it for you to read. +You, do you hear me? You!</p> + +<p class="tei tei-p">If you want to know the secret of this man's +success, of the success of hundreds of other men +<span class="tei-pb" id="page273">[pg 273]</span><a name="Pg273" id="Pg273" class="tei tei-anchor"></a>just like him, if you want to make his success your +success, you must first learn the rule.</p> + +<p class="tei tei-p">What is this rule? you may ask.</p> + +<p class="tei tei-p">Go ahead and ask it.</p> + +<p class="tei tei-p">Very well, since you ask.</p> + +<p class="tei tei-p">It is a rule which has kept J.P. Morgan what he +is. It is a rule which gives John D. Rockefeller +the right to be known as the Baptist man alive. +It is a rule which is responsible for the continued +existence of every successful man of today.</p> + +<p class="tei tei-p">And now I am going to tell it to you.</p> + +<p class="tei tei-p">You, the you that you know, the real you, are +going to learn the secret.</p> + +<p class="tei tei-p">Can you bear it?</p> + +<p class="tei tei-p">Here it is:</p> + +<p class="tei tei-p">You can't win if you breathe under water.</p> + +<p class="tei tei-p">Read that again.</p> + +<p class="tei tei-p">Read it backward.</p> + +<p class="tei tei-p">It may sound simple to you now. You may say +to yourself, "What do you take me for, a baby +boy?"</p> + +<p class="tei tei-p">Well, you paid good money for this book, didn't +you?<span class="tei-pb" id="page274">[pg 274]</span><a name="Pg274" id="Pg274" class="tei tei-anchor"></a></p> +</div> + +<hr class="page" /> + +<div class="tei tei-div"> +<a name="toc_84" id="toc_84"></a> +<h1 class="tei tei-head">LV—THE CATALOGUE SCHOOL</h1> + +<p class="tei tei-p">Without wishing in the least to detract +from the praise due to Sinclair Lewis for +the remarkable accuracy with which he reports details +in his "Main Street," it is interesting to speculate +on how other books might have read had their +authors had Mr. Lewis's flair for minutiae and their +publishers enough paper to print the result.</p> + +<p class="tei tei-p">For instance, Carol Kennicott, the heroine, whenever +she is overtaken by an emotional scene, is +given to looking out at the nearest window to hide +her feelings, whereupon the author goes to great +lengths to describe just exactly what came within +her range of vision. Nothing escapes him, even to +shreds of excelsior lying on the ground in back of +Howland & Gould's grocery store.</p> + +<p class="tei tei-p"></p> + +<p class="tei tei-p">Let us suppose that Harriet Beecher Stowe had +been endowed with Mr. Lewis's gift for reporting +and had indulged herself in it to the extent of the +following in "Uncle Tom's Cabin:"</p> + +<p class="tei tei-p">"Slowly Simon Legree raised his whip-arm to +<span class="tei-pb" id="page275">[pg 275]</span><a name="Pg275" id="Pg275" class="tei tei-anchor"></a>strike the prostrate body of the old negro. As he +did so his eye wandered across the plantation to the +slaves' quarters which crouched blistering in the +sun. Cowed as they were, as only ramshackle buildings +can be cowed, they presented their gray +boards, each eaten with four or five knot-holes, to +the elements in abject submission. The door of one +hung loose by a rust-encased hinge, of which only +one screw remained on duty, and that by sheer willpower +of two or three threads. Legree could not +quite make out how many threads there were on +the screw, but he guessed, and Simon Legree's guess +was nearly always right. On the ground at the +threshold lay a banjo G string, curled like a blond +snake ready to strike at the reddish, brown inner +husk of a nut of some sort which was blowing about +within reach. There were also several crumbs of +corn-pone, well-done, a shred of tobacco which had +fallen from the pipe of some negro slave before the +fire had consumed more than its very tip, an old +shoe which had, Legree noticed by the maker's +name, been bought in Boston in its palmier days, +doubtless by a Yankee cousin of one of Uncle +Tom's former owners, and an indiscriminate pile of +old second editions of a Richmond newspaper, +sweet-potato peelings and seeds of unripe watermelons.<span class="tei-pb" id="page276">[pg 276]</span><a name="Pg276" id="Pg276" class="tei tei-anchor"></a></p> + +<p class="tei tei-p">"Swish! The blow descended on the crouching +form of Uncle Tom."</p> + +<p class="tei tei-p"></p> + +<p class="tei tei-p">Or Sir Walter Scott:</p> + +<p class="tei tei-p">"Sadly Rowena turned from her lover's side and +looked out over the courtyard of the castle. Beneath +her she saw the cobble-stones all scratched +and marred with gray bruises from the horses' hoofs, +a faded purple ribbon dropped from the mandolin +of a minstrel, three slightly imperfect wassails and +a trencher with a nick on the rim, all that had not +been used of the wild boar at last night's feast, a +peach-stone like a wrinkled almond nestling in a +sardine tin. Slowly she faced her knight:</p> + +<p class="tei tei-p">"'Prithee,' she said."</p> + +<p class="tei tei-p"></p> + +<p class="tei tei-p">And I am not at all sure that "Uncle Tom's +Cabin" and "Ivanhoe" wouldn't have made better +reading if they had lapsed into the photographic at +times. Mr. Lewis may overdo it, but I expect to +re-read "Main Street" some day, and that is more +encouragement than I can hold out to Mrs. Stowe +or Sir Walter Scott.<span class="tei-pb" id="page277">[pg 277]</span><a name="Pg277" id="Pg277" class="tei tei-anchor"></a></p> +</div> + +<hr class="page" /> + +<div class="tei tei-div"> +<a name="toc_85" id="toc_85"></a> +<h1 class="tei tei-head">LVI—"EFFECTIVE HOUSE ORGANS"</h1> + +<p class="tei tei-p">To the hurrying commuter as he waits for his +two cents change at the news stand it looks as +if all the periodicals in the United States were on +display there, none of which he ever has quite +time enough to buy. It seems incredible that there +should be presses enough in the country to print +all the matter that he sees hanging from wires, piled +on the counter and dangling from clips over the +edge, to say nothing of his conceiving of there being +other periodicals in circulation which he never even +hears about. But any one knowing the commuter +well enough to call him "dearie" might tell him +in slightly worn vernacular that he doesn't know +the half of it.</p> + +<p class="tei tei-p">One cannot get a true idea of the amount of sideline +printing that is done in this country without +reading "Effective House Organs," written by +Robert E. Ramsay. The mass effect of this book +is appalling. Page after page of clear-cut illustrations +show reproductions of hundreds and hundreds +of house-organ covers and give the reader a hopeless +<span class="tei-pb" id="page278">[pg 278]</span><a name="Pg278" id="Pg278" class="tei tei-anchor"></a>sensation of going down for the third time. +Such names as "Gas Logic," "Crane-ing," "Hidden's +Hints," "The Y. and E. Idea," "Vim," +"Tick Talk" and "The Smileage" show that +Yankee ingenuity has invaded the publishing field, +which means that the literature of business is on +its way to becoming the literature of the land.</p> + +<p class="tei tei-p">For those who are so illiterate as not to be familiar +with the literature of business, I quote a +definition of the word "house organ":</p> + +<p class="tei tei-p">"A house magazine or bulletin to dealers, customers +or employees, designed to promote goodwill, +increase sales, induce better salesmanship or +develop better profits."</p> + +<p class="tei tei-p"></p> + +<p class="tei tei-p">In spite of Mr. Ramsay's exceedingly thorough +treatment of his subject, there is one type of house +organ to which he devotes much too little space. +This is the so-called "employee or internal house +organ" and is designed to keep the help happy and +contented with their lot and to spur them on to +extra effort in making it a banner year for the +stockholders. The possibilities of this sort of house +organ in the solution of the problem of industrial +unrest are limitless.</p> + +<p class="tei tei-p">Publications for light reading among employees +are usually called by such titles as "Diblee Doings," +<span class="tei-pb" id="page279">[pg 279]</span><a name="Pg279" id="Pg279" class="tei tei-anchor"></a>"Tinkham Topics," "The Mooney and Carmiechal +Machine Lather" or "Better Belting News."</p> + +<p class="tei tei-p">First of all, they carry news notes of happenings +among the employees, so that a real spirit of cooperation +and team-play may be fostered. These +news notes include such as the following:</p> + +<p class="tei tei-p">"Eddie Lingard of the Screen Room force, was +observed last Saturday evening between the mystic +hours of six-thirty with a certain party from the +Shipping Room, said party in a tan knit sweater, +on their way to Ollie's. Come, 'fess up, Eddie!"</p> + +<p class="tei tei-p">"Everyone is wondering who the person is who +put chocolate peppermints in some of the girls' +pockets while they were hanging in the Girls' Rest +Room Thursday afternoon, it being so hot that +they melted and practically ruined some of their +clothing. Some folks have a funny sense of +humor."</p> + +<p class="tei tei-p"></p> + +<p class="tei tei-p">Then there are excerpts from speeches made by +the Rev. Charles Aubrey Eaton and young Mr. +Rockefeller or by the President and Treasurer of the +Diamond Motor Sales Corporation, saying, in part:</p> + +<p class="tei tei-p">"The man who makes good in any line of work +is the man who gives the best there is in him. He +doesn't watch the clock. He doesn't kick when he +<span class="tei-pb" id="page280">[pg 280]</span><a name="Pg280" id="Pg280" class="tei tei-anchor"></a>fails to get that raise that he may have expected. +He just digs into the job harder and makes the +dust fly. And when some one comes along waving +a red flag and tries to make him stop work and +strike for more money, he turns on the agitator and +says: 'You get the h—-- out of here. I know my +job better than you do. I know my boss better +than you do, and I know that he is going to give +me the square deal just as soon as he can see his +way clear to do it. And in the mean time I am +going to WORK!'</p> + +<p class="tei tei-p">"That is the kind of man who makes good."</p> + +<p class="tei tei-p"></p> + +<p class="tei tei-p">And then there are efficiency contests, with the +force divided into teams trying to see which one +can wrap the most containers or stamp the largest +number of covers in the week. The winning team +gets a felt banner and their names are printed in +full in that week's issue of "Pep" or "Nosey +News."</p> + +<p class="tei tei-p">And biographies of employees who have been with +the company for more than fifty years, with photographs, +and a little notice written by the Superintendent +saying that this will show the company's +appreciation of Mr. Gomble's loyal and unswerving +allegiance to his duty, implying that any one else +who does his duty for fifty years will also get his +<span class="tei-pb" id="page281">[pg 281]</span><a name="Pg281" id="Pg281" class="tei tei-anchor"></a>picture in the paper and a notice by the +Superintendent.</p> + +<p class="tei tei-p"></p> + +<p class="tei tei-p">It will easily be seen how this sort of house +organ can be made to promote good feeling and +esprit de corps among the help. If only more concerns +could be prevailed upon to bring this message +of weekly or monthly good cheer to their employees, +who knows but what the whole caldron of +industrial unrest might not suddenly simmer down +to mere nothingness? It has been said that all that +is necessary is for capital and labor to understand +each other. Certainly such a house organ helps +the employees to understand their employers.</p> + +<p class="tei tei-p">Perhaps some one will start a house organ edited +by the employees for circulation among the bosses, +containing newsy notes about the owners' families, +quotations from Karl Marx and the results of the +profit-sharing contest between the various mills of +the district.</p> + +<p class="tei tei-p">This would complete the circle of understanding.<span class="tei-pb" id="page282">[pg 282]</span><a name="Pg282" id="Pg282" class="tei tei-anchor"></a></p> +</div> + +<hr class="page" /> + +<div class="tei tei-div"> +<a name="toc_86" id="toc_86"></a> +<h1 class="tei tei-head">LVII—ADVICE TO WRITERS</h1> + +<p class="tei tei-p">Two books have emerged from the hundreds +that are being published on the art of writing. +One of them is "The Lure of the Pen," by Flora +Klickmann, and the other is "Learning to Write," +a collection of Stevenson's meditations on the subject, +issued by Scribners. At first glance one might +say that the betting would be at least eight to one +on Stevenson. But for real, solid, sensible advice +in the matter of writing and selling stories in the +modern market, Miss Klickmann romps in an easy +winner.</p> + +<p class="tei tei-p">It must be admitted that John William Rogers +Jr., who collected the Stevenson material, warns +the reader in his introduction that the book is not +intended to serve as "a macadamized, mile-posted +road to the secret of writing," but simply as a help +to those who want to write and who are interested +to know how Stevenson did it. So we mustn't compare +it too closely with Miss Klickmann's book, +which is quite frankly a mile-posted road, with +little sub-headings along the side of the page such +<span class="tei-pb" id="page283">[pg 283]</span><a name="Pg283" id="Pg283" class="tei tei-anchor"></a>as we used to have in Fiske's Elementary American +History. But Miss Klickmann will save the editors +of the country a great deal more trouble than +Stevenson's advice ever will. She is the editor of +an English magazine herself, and has suffered.</p> + +<p class="tei tei-p"></p> + +<p class="tei tei-p">Where Miss Klickmann enumerates the pitfalls +which the candidate must avoid and points out +qualities which every good piece of writing should +have, Stevenson writes a delightful essay on "The +Profession of Letters" or "A Gossip on Romance." +These essays are very inspiring. They are too +inspiring. They make the reader feel that he can +go out and write like Stevenson. And then a lot +of two-cent stamps are wasted and a lot more editors +are cross when they get home at night.</p> + +<p class="tei tei-p">On the other hand, the result of Miss Klickmann's +book is to make the reader who feels a +writing spell coming on stop and give pause. He +finds enumerated among the horrors of manuscript-reading +several items which he was on the point +of injecting into his own manuscript with considerable +pride. He may decide that the old job +in the shipping-room isn't so bad after all, with +its little envelope coming in regularly every week. +As a former member of the local manuscript-readers' +union, I will give one of three rousing cheers +<span class="tei-pb" id="page284">[pg 284]</span><a name="Pg284" id="Pg284" class="tei tei-anchor"></a>for any good work that Miss Klickmann may do +in this field. One writer kept very busy at work +in the shipping-room every day is a victory for +literature. I used to have a job in a shipping-room +myself, so I know.</p> + +<p class="tei tei-p"></p> + +<p class="tei tei-p">If, for instance, the subject under discussion were +that of learning to skate, Miss Klickmann might +advise as follows:</p> + +<p class="tei tei-p">1. Don't try to skate if your ankles are weak.</p> + +<p class="tei tei-p">2. Get skates that fit you. A skate which can't +be put on when you get to the pond, or one which +drags behind your foot by the strap, is worse than +no skate at all.</p> + +<p class="tei tei-p">3. If you are sure that you are ready, get on your +feet and skate.</p> + +<p class="tei tei-p"></p> + +<p class="tei tei-p">On the same subject, Scribners might bring to +light something that Stevenson had written to a +young friend about to take his first lesson in +skating, reading as follows:</p> + +<p class="tei tei-p">"To know the secret of skating is, indeed, I +have always thought, the beginning of winter-long +pleasance. It comes as sweet deliverance from the +tedium of indoor isolation and brings exhilaration, +now with a swift glide to the right, now with a +deft swerve to the left, now with a deep breath of +healthy air, now with a long exhalation of ozone, +<span class="tei-pb" id="page285">[pg 285]</span><a name="Pg285" id="Pg285" class="tei tei-anchor"></a>which the lungs, like greedy misers, have cast aside +after draining it of its treasure. But it is not health +that we love nor exhilaration that we seek, though +we may think so; our design and our sufficient reward +is to verify our own existence, say what you +will.</p> + +<p class="tei tei-p">"And so, my dear young friend, I would say to +you: Open up your heart; sing as you skate; sing +inharmoniously if you will, but sing! A man may +skate with all the skill in the world; he may glide +forward with incredible deftness and curve backward +with divine grace, and yet if he be not master +of his emotions as well as of his feet, I would say—and +here Fate steps in—that he has failed."</p> + +<p class="tei tei-p"></p> + +<p class="tei tei-p">There is, of course, plenty of good advice in the +Stevenson book. But it is much better as pure +reading matter than as advice to the young idea or +even the middle-aged idea. It may have been all +right for Stevenson to "play the sedulous ape" and +consciously imitate the style of Hazlitt, Lamb, +Montaigne and the rest, but if the rest of us were +to try it there would result a terrible plague of +insufferably artificial and affected authors, all playing +the sedulous ape and all looking the part.</p> + +<p class="tei tei-p">On the whole, the Stevenson book makes good +reading and Miss Klickmann gives good advice.<span class="tei-pb" id="page286">[pg 286]</span><a name="Pg286" id="Pg286" class="tei tei-anchor"></a></p> +</div> + +<hr class="page" /> + +<div class="tei tei-div"> +<a name="toc_87" id="toc_87"></a> +<h1 class="tei tei-head">LVIII—"THE EFFECTIVE SPEAKING VOICE"</h1> + +<p class="tei tei-p">Joseph A. Mosher begins his book on "The +Effective Speaking Voice" by saying:</p> + +<p class="tei tei-p">"Among the many developments of the great war +was a widespread activity in public speaking."</p> + +<p class="tei tei-p">Mr. Mosher, to adopt a technical term of elocution, +has said a mouthful. Whatever else the war +did for us, it raised overnight an army of public +speakers among the civilian population, many of +whom seem not yet to have received their discharge. +It is the aim of Mr. Mosher's book to keep this +Landwehr in fighting trim and aid in recruiting its +ranks, possibly against the next war. Until every +nation on earth has subjected its public speakers +to a devastating operation on the larynx no true +disarmament can be said to have taken place.</p> + +<p class="tei tei-p"></p> + +<p class="tei tei-p">In the first place there are exercises which must +be performed by the man who would have an effective +speaking voice, exercises similar to Walter +Camp's Daily Dozen. You stand erect, with the +<span class="tei-pb" id="page287">[pg 287]</span><a name="Pg287" id="Pg287" class="tei tei-anchor"></a>chest held moderately high. (Moderation in all +things is the best rule to follow, no matter what +you are doing.) Place the thumbs just above the +hips, with the fingers forward over the waist to +note the muscular action. Then you inhale and +exhale and make the sound of "ah" and the sound +of "ah-oo-oh," and, if you aren't self-conscious, you +say "wah-we-wi-wa," slowly, ten or a dozen times.</p> + +<p class="tei tei-p">"The student should stop at once if signs of +dizziness appear," says the book, but it does not +say whether the symptoms are to be looked for in +the student himself or in the rest of the family.</p> + +<p class="tei tei-p"></p> + +<p class="tei tei-p">The author does the public a rather bad turn +when he suggests to student speakers that, under +stress, they might use what is known as the "orotund." +The orotund quality in public speaking is +saved for passages containing grandeur of thought, +when the orator feels the need of a larger, fuller, +more resonant and sounding voice to be in keeping +with the sentiment. Its effect is somewhat that of +a chant, and here is how you do it:</p> + +<p class="tei tei-p">The chest is raised and tensed, the cavities of the +mouth and pharynx are enlarged, more breath is +directed into the nasal chambers and the lips are +opened more widely to give free passage to the increased +volume of voice.<span class="tei-pb" id="page288">[pg 288]</span><a name="Pg288" id="Pg288" class="tei tei-anchor"></a></p> + +<p class="tei tei-p">The effectiveness of the orotund might be somewhat +reduced if the audience knew the conscious +mechanical processes which went to make it up. Or +if, in the Congressional Record, instead of (laughter +and applause) the vocal technique of the orator +could be indicated, how few would be the wars into +which impassioned Senators could plunge us! For +example, Mr. Thurston's plea for intervention in Cuba:</p> + +<p class="tei tei-p">"The time for action has come. (Tensing the +chest.) No greater reason for it can exist tomorrow +than exists today. (Enlarging the cavities of the +mouth.) Every hour's delay only adds another +chapter to the awful story of misery and death. +(Enlarging the cavities of the pharynx.) Only one +power can intervene—the United States of America. +(Directing more breath into the nasal chambers.) +Ours is the one great nation of the New +World—the mother of republics. (Elevating the +diaphragm.) We cannot refuse to accept this responsibility +which the God of the Universe has +placed upon us as the one great power of the New +World. We must act! (Raising the tongue and +thrusting it forward so that the edges of the blade +are pressed against the upper grinders.) What +shall our action be? (Lifting the voice-box very +high and the edges of the tongue blade against the +<span class="tei-pb" id="page289">[pg 289]</span><a name="Pg289" id="Pg289" class="tei tei-anchor"></a>soft palate, leaving only a small central groove for +the passage of air.)"</p> + +<p class="tei tei-p"></p> + +<p class="tei tei-p">The aspirate quality, or whisper, is very effective +when well handled, and the book gives a few exercises +for practice's sake. Try whispering a few of +them, if you are sure that you are alone in the +room. You will sound very silly if you are overheard.</p> + +<p class="tei tei-p">a. "I can't tell just how it happened; I think +the beam fell on me."</p> + +<p class="tei tei-p">b. "Keep back; wait till I see if the coast is +clear."</p> + +<p class="tei tei-p">c. "Ask the man next to you if he'll let me see +his programme."</p> + +<p class="tei tei-p">d. "Hark! What was that?"</p> + +<p class="tei tei-p">e. "It's too steep—he'll never make it—oh, +this is terrible!"</p> + +<p class="tei tei-p"></p> + +<p class="tei tei-p">For the cheery evening's reading, if you happen +to be feeling low in your mind, let me recommend +that section of "The Effective Speaking Voice" +which deals with "the Subdued Range." The selections +for the practice-reading include the following +well-known nuggets in lighter vein:</p> + +<p class="tei tei-p">"The Wounded Soldier," "The Death of Molly +Cass," "The Little Cripple's Garden," "The Burial +<span class="tei-pb" id="page290">[pg 290]</span><a name="Pg290" id="Pg290" class="tei tei-anchor"></a>of Little Nell," "The Light of Other Days," "The +Baby is Dead," "King David Mourns for Absalom," +and "The Days That Are No More."</p> + +<p class="tei tei-p">After all, a good laugh never does anyone any +harm.<span class="tei-pb" id="page291">[pg 291]</span><a name="Pg291" id="Pg291" class="tei tei-anchor"></a></p> +</div> + +<hr class="page" /> + +<div class="tei tei-div"> +<a name="toc_88" id="toc_88"></a> +<h1 class="tei tei-head">LIX—THOSE DANGEROUSLY DYNAMIC BRITISH GIRLS</h1> + +<p class="tei tei-p">It is difficult to get into Rose Macaulay's "Dangerous +Ages" once you discover that it is going +to be about another one of those offensively healthy +English families. Ever since "Mr. Britling" we +have been deluged with accounts from overseas of +whole droves of British brothers and sisters, mothers +and fathers, grandfathers and grandmothers, who +all get out at six in the morning and play hockey +all over the place. Each has some strange, intimate +name like "Bim," or "Pleda," or "Goots," and +you can never tell which are the brothers and which +the sisters until they begin to have children along in +the tenth or eleventh chapter.</p> + +<p class="tei tei-p">In "Dangerous Ages" they swim. Dozens of +them, all in the same family, go splashing in at +once and persist in calling out health slogans to one +another across the waves. There are <span style="font-style: italic" class="tei tei-hi">Neville</span> and +<span style="font-style: italic" class="tei tei-hi">Rodney</span> and <span style="font-style: italic" class="tei tei-hi">Gerda</span> and <span style="font-style: italic" class="tei tei-hi">Kay</span>, and one or two very +old ladies whose relationship to the rest of the clan +is never very definitely established. Grandma, for +<span class="tei-pb" id="page292">[pg 292]</span><a name="Pg292" id="Pg292" class="tei tei-anchor"></a>some reason or other, doesn't go in swimming that +day, doubtless because she had already been in before +breakfast and her suit wasn't dry.</p> + +<p class="tei tei-p">These dynamic British girls are always full of +ruddy health and current information. They go +about kidding each other on the second reading of +the Home Rule bill or fooling in their girlish way +about the chances of the Labor candidate in the +coming Duncastershire elections. It is getting so +that no novel of British life will be complete without +somewhere in its pages a scene like the following:</p> + +<p class="tei tei-p">"A chance visitor at The Beetles some autumn +morning along about five o'clock might have been +surprised to see a trail of dog-trotting figures winding +their way heatedly across the meadow. No +one but a chance visitor would be surprised, however, +for it was well known to invited guests that +the entire Willetts family ran cross-country down +to the outskirts of London and back every morning +before breakfast, a matter of fourteen miles. In +the lead was, of course, Dungeon in running costume, +followed closely by the flaxen-haired Mid +and snub-nosed Boola, then Arlix and Linny, striving +valiantly for fourth place but not reckoning on +the fleet-footed Meeda, who was no longer content +to hobble in the vanguard with Grandpa Willetts +and Grandpa's old mother, who still insisted on +<span class="tei-pb" id="page293">[pg 293]</span><a name="Pg293" id="Pg293" class="tei tei-anchor"></a>cross-country running, although she had long since +been put on the retired list at the Club.</p> + +<p style="text-align: center" class="tei tei-p"><a name="image17" id="image17" class="tei tei-anchor"></a> +<img src="images/image17.png" alt=""Why didn't you tell us that you were reading a paper on birth control?"" class="tei tei-figure" /></p> +<p style="text-align: center" class="tei tei-p">"Why didn't you tell us that you were reading a +paper on birth control?"</p> + +<p class="tei tei-p">"'Oh, Linny,' called out Dungeon over her +shoulder, 'you young minx! Why didn't you tell +us that you were reading a paper on Birth Control +at the next meeting of the Spiddix? Twiller just told +me today. It's too ripping of you!'</p> + +<p class="tei tei-p">"'Silly goose,' panted Linny, stumbling over a +hedgerow, 'how about what the vicar said the other +night about your inferiority complex? It was toppo, +and you know it.'</p> + +<p class="tei tei-p">"'It won't be long now before we'll have +disenfranchisement through, anyway,' muttered +Grandpa Willetts, crashing down into a stone +quarry, at which exhibition of reaction a loud chorus +of laughter went up from the entire family, who by +this time had reached Nogroton and were bursting +with health."<span class="tei-pb" id="page294">[pg 294]</span><a name="Pg294" id="Pg294" class="tei tei-anchor"></a></p> +</div> + +<hr class="page" /> + +<div class="tei tei-div"> +<a name="toc_89" id="toc_89"></a> +<h1 class="tei tei-head">LX—BOOKS AND OTHER THINGS</h1> + +<p class="tei tei-p">For those to whom the purple-and-gold filigreed +covers of Florence L. Barclay's books bring a +stirring of the sap and a fluttering of the susceptible +heart, "Returned Empty" comes as a languorous +relief from the stolid realism of most present-day +writing. One reads it and swoons. And on opening +one's eyes again, one hears old family retainers murmuring +in soft retentive accents: "Here, sip some +of this, my lord; 'twill bring the roses back to +those cheeks and the strength to those poor limbs." +It's elegant, that's all there is to it, elegant.</p> + +<p class="tei tei-p">"Returned Empty" was the inscription on the +wrappings which enfolded the tiny but aristocratic +form of a man-child left on the steps of the Foundlings +Institution one moonless October night. There +was also some reference to Luke, xii., 6, which in +return refers to five sparrows sold for two farthings. +What more natural, then, than for the matron to +name the little one Luke Sparrow?<span class="tei-pb" id="page295">[pg 295]</span><a name="Pg295" id="Pg295" class="tei tei-anchor"></a></p> + +<p class="tei tei-p">Luke was an odd boy but refined. So odd that +he used to go about looking in at people's windows +when they forgot to pull down the shades, and so +refined that he never wished to be inside with them.</p> + +<p class="tei tei-p">But one night, when he was thirty years old, he +looked in at the window of a very refined and elegant +mansion and saw a woman. In the simple +words of the author, "in court or cottage alike she +would be queen." That's the kind of woman she +was.</p> + +<p class="tei tei-p">And what do you think? She saw Luke looking +in. Not only saw him but came over to the window +and told him that she had been expecting him. Well, +you could have knocked Luke over with a feather. +However, he allowed himself to be ushered in by +the butler (everything in the house was elegant +like that) and up to a room where he found evening +clothes, bath-salts and grand things of that nature. +On passing a box of books which stood in the hall +he read the name on it "before he realized what +he was doing." Of course the minute he thought +what an unrefined thing it was to do he stopped, +but it was too late. He had already seen that his +hostess's name was "Lady Tintagel."</p> + +<p class="tei tei-p">When later he met her down in the luxurious +dining-room she was just as refined as ever. And +so was he. They both were so refined that she had +<span class="tei-pb" id="page296">[pg 296]</span><a name="Pg296" id="Pg296" class="tei tei-anchor"></a>to tell the butler to "serve the fruit in the Oak +Room, Thomas."</p> + +<p class="tei tei-p"></p> + +<p class="tei tei-p">Once in the Oak Room she told him her strange +tale. It seemed that he was her husband. He didn't +remember it, but he was. He had been drowned +some years before and she had wished so hard that +he might come back to life that finally he +had been born again in the body of Luke Sparrow. +It's funny how things work out like that sometimes.</p> + +<p class="tei tei-p">But Luke, who, as has been said before, was +an odd boy, took it very hard and said that he didn't +want to be brought back to life. Not even when +she told him that his name was now Sir Nigel Guido +Cadross Tintagel, Bart. He became very cross and +said that he was going out and drown himself all +over again, just to show her that she shouldn't have +gone meddling with his spirit life. He was too refined +to say so, but when you consider that he was +just thirty, and his wife, owing to the difference in +time between the spirit world and this, had gone on +growing old until she was now pushing sixty, he had +a certain amount of justice on his side. But of +course she was Lady Tintagel, and all the lovers of +Florence Barclay will understand that that is something.</p> + +<p class="tei tei-p">So, after reciting Tennyson's "Crossing the Bar," +<span class="tei-pb" id="page297">[pg 297]</span><a name="Pg297" id="Pg297" class="tei tei-anchor"></a>at her request (credit is given in the front of the +book for the use of this poem, and only rightly too, +for without it the story could never have been written), +he goes out into the ocean. But there—we +mustn't give too much of the plot away. All that +one need know is that Luke or Sir Nigel, as you +wish (and what reader of Florence Barclay wouldn't +prefer Sir Nigel?), was so cultured that he said, +"Nobody in the whole world knows it, save you and +I," and referred to "flotsam and jetson" as he +was swimming out into the path of the rising sun. +"Jetsam" is such an ugly word.</p> + +<p class="tei tei-p">It is only fitting that on his tombstone Lady Tintagel +should have had inscribed an impressive and +high-sounding misquotation from the Bible.<span class="tei-pb" id="page298">[pg 298]</span><a name="Pg298" id="Pg298" class="tei tei-anchor"></a></p> +</div> + +<hr class="page" /> + +<div class="tei tei-div"> +<a name="toc_90" id="toc_90"></a> +<h1 class="tei tei-head">LXI—"MEASURE YOUR MIND"</h1> + +<p class="tei tei-p">"Measure Your Mind" by M.R. Traube +and Frank Parker Stockbridge, is apt +to be a very discouraging book if you have any +doubt at all about your own mental capacity. From +a hasty glance through the various tests I figure it +out that I would be classified in Group B, indicating +"Low Average Ability," reserved usually for those +just learning to speak the English language and +preparing for a career of holding a spike while +another man hits it. If they ever adopt the "menti-meter +tests" on this journal I shall last just about +forty-five minutes.</p> + +<p class="tei tei-p">And the trouble is that each test starts off so +easily. You begin to think that you are so good +that no one has ever appreciated you. There is for +instance, a series of twenty-four pictures (very +badly drawn too, Mr. Frank Parker Stockbridge. +You think you are so smart, picking flaws with +people's intelligence. If I couldn't draw a better +head than the one on page 131 I would throw up +the whole business). At any rate, in each one of +<span class="tei-pb" id="page299">[pg 299]</span><a name="Pg299" id="Pg299" class="tei tei-anchor"></a>these pictures there is something wrong (wholly +apart from the drawing). You are supposed to +pick out the incongruous feature, and you have 180 +seconds in which to tear the twenty-four pictures +to pieces.</p> + +<p class="tei tei-p"></p> + +<p class="tei tei-p">The first one is easy. The rabbit has one human +ear. In the second one the woman's eye is in her +hair. Pretty soft, you say to yourself. In the +third the bird has three legs. It looks like a cinch. +Following in quick succession come a man with his +mouth in his forehead, a horse with cow's horns, a +mouse with rabbit's ears, etc. You will have time +for a handspring before your 180 seconds are up.</p> + +<p class="tei tei-p">But then they get tricky. There is a post-card +with a stamp upside down. Well, what's wrong +with that? Certainly there is no affront to nature +in a stamp upside down. Neither is there in a +man's looking through the large end of a telescope if +he wants to. You can't arbitrarily say at the top of +the page, "Mark the thing that is wrong," and then +have a picture of a house with one window larger +than all the others and expect any one to agree +with you that it is necessarily <span style="font-style: italic" class="tei tei-hi">wrong</span>. It may look +queer, but so does the whole picture. You can't +tell; the big window may open from a room +that needs a big window. I am not going to stultify +<span class="tei-pb" id="page300">[pg 300]</span><a name="Pg300" id="Pg300" class="tei tei-anchor"></a>myself by making things wrong about which I +know none of the facts. Who am I that I should +condemn a man for looking through the large end +of a telescope? Personally, I like to look through +the large end of a telescope. It only shows the +state of personal liberty in this country when a picture +of a man looking at a ship through the large +end of a telescope is held before the young and +branded as "wrong."</p> + +<p class="tei tei-p"></p> + +<p class="tei tei-p">Arguing these points with yourself takes up quite +a bit of time and you get so out of patience with the +man that made up the examination that you lose +all heart in it.</p> + +<p class="tei tei-p">Then come some pictures about which I am +frankly in the dark. There is a Ford car with a +rather funny-looking mud-guard, but who can pick +out any one feature of a Ford and say that it is +wrong? It may look wrong but I'll bet that the +car in this picture as it stands could pass many a +big car on a hill.</p> + +<p class="tei tei-p">Then there is a boy holding a bat, and while his +position isn't all that a coach could ask, the only +radically wrong thing that I can detect about the +picture is that he is evidently playing baseball in a +clean white shirt with a necktie and a rather natty +cap set perfectly straight on his head. It is true +<span class="tei-pb" id="page301">[pg 301]</span><a name="Pg301" id="Pg301" class="tei tei-anchor"></a>he has his right thumb laid along the edge of the +bat, but maybe he likes to bunt that way. There is +something in the picture that I don't get, I am +afraid, just as there is in the picture of two men +playing golf. One is about to putt. Aside from the +fact that his putter seems just a trifle long, I should +have to give up my guess and take my defeat like +a man.</p> + +<p class="tei tei-p">But I do refuse to concede anything on Picture +No. 22. Here a baby is shown sitting on the floor. +He appears to be about a year and a half old. Incidentally, +he is a very plain baby. Strewn about +him on the floor are the toys that he has been playing +with. There are a ball, a rattle, a ring, a doll, +a bell and a pair of roller-skates. Evidently, the +candidate is supposed to be aghast at the roller-skates +in the possession of such a small child.</p> + +<p class="tei tei-p">The man who drew that picture had evidently +never furnished playthings for a small child. I can +imagine nothing that would delight a child of a year +and a half more than a pair of roller-skates to chew +and spin and hit himself in the face with. They +could also be dropped on Daddy when Daddy was +lying on the floor in an attempt to be sociable. Of +all the toys arranged before the child, the roller-skates +are the most logical. I suppose that the +author of this test would insist on calling a picture +<span class="tei-pb" id="page302">[pg 302]</span><a name="Pg302" id="Pg302" class="tei tei-anchor"></a>wrong which showed a baby with a safety-razor in +his hand or an overshoe on his head, and yet a photograph +of the Public Library could not be more true +to life.</p> + +<p class="tei tei-p">That is my great trouble in taking tests and examinations +of any kind. I always want to argue +with the examiner, because the examiner is always +so obviously wrong.<span class="tei-pb" id="page303">[pg 303]</span><a name="Pg303" id="Pg303" class="tei tei-anchor"></a></p> +</div> + +<hr class="page" /> + +<div class="tei tei-div"> +<a name="toc_91" id="toc_91"></a> +<h1 class="tei tei-head">LXII—THE BROW-ELEVATION IN HUMOR</h1> + +<p class="tei tei-p">After an author has been dead for some time, +it becomes increasingly difficult for his publishers +to get out a new book by him each year. +Without recourse to the ouija board, Harper & +Brothers manage to do very well by Mark Twain, +considering that all they have to work with are the +books that he wrote when he was alive. Each year +we get something from the pen of the famous humorist, +even though the ink has faded slightly. An +introduction by Albert Bigelow Paine and a hitherto +unpublished photograph as a frontspiece, and there +you are—the season's new Mark Twain book.</p> + +<p class="tei tei-p">This season it is "Moments With Mark Twain," +a collection of excerpts from his works for quick +and handy reading. We may look for further books +in this series in 1923, 1924, 1925, &c., to be entitled +"Half Hours With Mark Twain" (the selections +a trifle longer), "Pleasant Week-Ends With Mark +Twain," "Indian Summer With Mark Twain," &c.<span class="tei-pb" id="page304">[pg 304]</span><a name="Pg304" id="Pg304" class="tei tei-anchor"></a></p> + +<p class="tei tei-p">There is an interesting comparison between this +sample bottle of the humor of Mark Twain and that +contained in the volume entitled "Something Else +Again," by Franklin P. Adams. The latter is a volume +of verse and burlesques which have appeared +in the newspapers and magazines.</p> + +<p class="tei tei-p">In the days when Mark Twain was writing, it +was considered good form to spoof not only the +classics but surplus learning of any kind. A man +was popularly known as an affected cuss when he +could handle anything more erudite than a nasal +past participle or two in his own language, and any +one who wanted to qualify as a humorist had to be +able to mispronounce any word of over three syllables.</p> + +<p class="tei tei-p">Thus we find Mark Twain, in the selections given +in this volume, having amusing trouble with the +pronunciation of Michael Angelo and Leonardo da +Vinci, expressing surprise that Michael Angelo was +dead, picking flaws in the old master's execution +and complaining of the use of foreign words which +have their equivalent "in a nobler language—English."</p> + +<p class="tei tei-p">There certainly is no harm in this school of humor, +and it has its earnest and prosperous exponents today. +In fact, a large majority of the people still +like to have some one poke fun at the things in which +<span class="tei-pb" id="page305">[pg 305]</span><a name="Pg305" id="Pg305" class="tei tei-anchor"></a>they themselves are not proficient, whether it be +pronunciation, Latin or bricklaying.</p> + +<p class="tei tei-p"></p> + +<p class="tei tei-p">But there is an increasingly large section of the +reading public who while they may not be expert +in Latin composition, nevertheless do not think that +a Latin word in itself is a cause for laughter. A +French phrase thrown in now and then for metrical +effect does not strike them as essentially an affectation, +and they are willing to have references made +to characters whose native language may not have +been that noblest of all languages, our native tongue.</p> + +<p class="tei tei-p">That such a school of readers exists is proved by +the popularity of F.P.A's verses and prose. If +any one had told Mark Twain that a man could run +a daily newspaper column in New York and amass +any degree of fame through translations of the "Odes +of Horace" into the vernacular, the veteran humorist +would probably have slapped Albert Bigelow +Paine on the back and taken the next boat for Bermuda. +And yet in "Something Else Again" we find +some sixteen translations of Horace and other "furriners," +exotic phrases such as "eheu fugaces" and +"ex parte" used without making faces over them, +and a popular exposition of highly technical verse +forms which James Russell Lowell and Hal Longfellow +would have considered terrifically high-brow. +<span class="tei-pb" id="page306">[pg 306]</span><a name="Pg306" id="Pg306" class="tei tei-anchor"></a>And yet thousands of American business men quote +F.P.A. to thousands of other American business +men every morning.</p> + +<p class="tei tei-p"></p> + +<p class="tei tei-p">Can it be said that the American people are not so +low-brow as they like to pretend? There is a great +deal of affectation in this homespun frame of mind, +and many a man makes believe that he doesn't know +things simply because no one has ever written about +them in the American Magazine. If the truth were +known, we are all a great deal better educated than +we will admit, and the derisive laughter with which +we greet signs of culture is sometimes very hollow. +In F.P.A. we find a combination which makes it +possible for us to admit our learning and still be +held honorable men. It is a good sign that his following +is increasing.<span class="tei-pb" id="page307">[pg 307]</span><a name="Pg307" id="Pg307" class="tei tei-anchor"></a></p> +</div> + +<hr class="page" /> + +<div class="tei tei-div"> +<a name="toc_92" id="toc_92"></a> +<h1 class="tei tei-head">LXIII—BUSINESS LETTERS</h1> + +<p class="tei tei-p">A text-book on English composition, giving +examples of good and bad letter-writing, is +always a mine of possibilities for one given to ruminating +and with nothing in particular to do. In +"Business Man's English" the specimen letters are +unusually interesting. It seems almost as if the +authors, Wallace Edgar Bartholomew and Floyd +Hurlbut, had selected their examples with a view to +their fiction possibilities. It also seems to the reader +as if he were opening someone else's mail.</p> + +<p class="tei tei-p">For instance, the following is given as a type of +"very short letter, well placed":</p> + +<blockquote style="margin: 2em 4em" class="tei tei-quote"> + +<p class="tei tei-p">Mr. Richard T. Green,<br /> +Employment Department,<br /> +Travellers' Insurance Co.,<br /> +Chicago, Ill.</p> + +<p class="tei tei-p">Dear Mr. Green:</p> + +<p class="tei tei-p">The young man about whom you inquire has +much native ability and while in our employ proved +himself a master of office routine.<span class="tei-pb" id="page308">[pg 308]</span><a name="Pg308" id="Pg308" class="tei tei-anchor"></a></p> + +<p class="tei tei-p">I regret to say, however, that he left us under +circumstances that would not justify our recommending +him to you.</p> + +<p class="tei tei-p">Cordially yours,</p> + +<p class="tei tei-p">C.S. THOMPSON</p> +</blockquote> + +<p class="tei tei-p">Now I want to know what those "circumstances" +were. And in lieu of the facts, I am afraid that I +shall have to imagine some circumstances for myself. +Personally, I don't believe that the "young man" +was to blame. Bad companions, maybe, or I +shouldn't be at all surprised if he was shielding +someone else, perhaps a young lady stenographer +with whom he was in love. The more I think of it +the more I am sure that this was the secret of the +whole thing. You see, he was a good worker and +had, Mr. Thompson admits, proved himself a master +of office routine. Although Mr. Thompson doesn't +say so, I have no doubt but that he would have been +promoted very shortly.</p> + +<p class="tei tei-p">And then he fell in love with a little brown-eyed +stenographer. You know how it is yourself. She +had an invalid mother at home and was probably +trying to save enough money to send her father to +college. And whatever she did, it couldn't have +been so very bad, for she was such a nice girl.</p> + +<p class="tei tei-p">Well, at any rate, it looks to me as if the young +man, while he was arranging the pads of paper for +<span class="tei-pb" id="page309">[pg 309]</span><a name="Pg309" id="Pg309" class="tei tei-anchor"></a>the regular Monday morning conference, overheard +the office-manager telling about this affair (I have +good reason to believe that it was a matter of carelessness +in the payroll) and saying that he considered +the little brown-eyed girl dishonest.</p> + +<p class="tei tei-p">At this the young man drew himself up to his +full height and, looking the office-manager squarely +in the eye, said:</p> + +<p class="tei tei-p">"No, Mr. Hostetter; it was I who did it, and I +will take the consequences. And I want it understood +that no finger of suspicion shall be pointed +at Agnes Fairchild, than whom no truer, sweeter +girl ever lived!"</p> + +<p class="tei tei-p">"I am sorry to hear this, Ralph," said Mr. Hostetter. +"You know what this means."</p> + +<p class="tei tei-p">"I do, sir," said Ralph, and turned to look out +over the chimney-pots of the city, biting his under +lip very tight.</p> + +<p class="tei tei-p">And on Saturday Ralph left.</p> + +<p class="tei tei-p"></p> + +<p class="tei tei-p">Since then he has applied at countless places for +work, but always they have written to his old employer, +Mr. Thompson, for a reference, and have +received a letter similar to the one given here as an +example. Naturally, they have not felt like taking +him on. You cannot blame them. And, in a way, +you cannot blame Mr. Thompson. You see, Mr. +<span class="tei-pb" id="page310">[pg 310]</span><a name="Pg310" id="Pg310" class="tei tei-anchor"></a>Hostetter didn't tell Mr. Thompson all the circumstances +of the affair. He just said that Ralph had +confessed to responsibility for the payroll mix-up. +If Mr. Thompson had been there at the time I am +sure that he would have divined that Ralph was +shielding Miss Fairchild, for Mr. Thompson liked +Ralph. You can see that from his letter.</p> + +<p class="tei tei-p">But as it stands now things are pretty black for +the boy, and it certainly seems as if in this great +city there ought to be some one who will give him +a job without writing to Mr. Thompson about him. +This department will be open as a clearing-house for +offers of work for a young man of great native ability +and master of office routine who is just at present, +unfortunately, unable to give any references, +but who will, I am quite sure, justify any trust that +may be placed in him in the future.</p> +</div> +</div> + <div class="tei tei-back"> + <hr class="doublepage" /> + +<div id="footnotes" class="tei tei-div"><a name="toc_93" id="toc_93"></a><h1 class="tei tei-head">Notes</h1><dl class="footnote"> +<dt><a name="note_1" id="note_1"></a><a href="#noteref_1">1.</a></dt><dd><p class="tei tei-p">Lebody. <span style="font-style: italic" class="tei tei-hi">Witnesses of the Proximity of Wiglaf to +Offa.</span> II. 265</p></dd><dt><a name="note_2" id="note_2"></a><a href="#noteref_2">2.</a></dt><dd><p class="tei tei-p">Rouguet. <span style="font-style: italic" class="tei tei-hi">Famous Questions in History.</span> III. 467</p></dd><dt><a name="note_3" id="note_3"></a><a href="#noteref_3">3.</a></dt><dd><p class="tei tei-p"><span style="font-style: italic" class="tei tei-hi">Peasant Tales and Fun-making.</span> II. 965.</p></dd><dt><a name="note_4" id="note_4"></a><a href="#noteref_4">4.</a></dt><dd><p class="tei tei-p"><span style="font-style: italic" class="tei tei-hi">Fifty Menus for August.</span>—46.</p></dd><dt><a name="note_5" id="note_5"></a><a href="#noteref_5">5.</a></dt><dd><p class="tei tei-p">Supply Captain's name.</p></dd></dl></div> + </div> +</div> + + + + + + + +<pre> + + + + + +End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Love Conquers All, by Robert C. 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