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diff --git a/old/20050125-1569.txt b/old/20050125-1569.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..ee97d16 --- /dev/null +++ b/old/20050125-1569.txt @@ -0,0 +1,10316 @@ +The Project Gutenberg EBook of The Lily of the Valley, by Honore de Balzac + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.net + + +Title: The Lily of the Valley + +Author: Honore de Balzac + +Release Date: January 25, 2005 [EBook #1569] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ASCII + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK THE LILY OF THE VALLEY *** + + + + +Produced by John Bickers and Dagny + + + + + + THE LILY OF THE VALLEY + + BY + + HONORE DE BALZAC + + + Translated by + Katharine Prescott Wormeley + + + + DEDICATION + + To Monsieur J. B. Nacquart, + Member of the Royal Academy of Medicine. + + Dear Doctor--Here is one of the most carefully hewn stones in the + second course of the foundation of a literary edifice which I have + slowly and laboriously constructed. I wish to inscribe your name + upon it, as much to thank the man whose science once saved me as + to honor the friend of my daily life. + + + De Balzac. + + + + + THE LILY OF THE VALLEY + + + + + +ENVOI + + Felix de Vandenesse to Madame la Comtesse Natalie de Manerville: + + I yield to your wishes. It is the privilege of the women whom we + love more than they love us to make the men who love them ignore + the ordinary rules of common-sense. To smooth the frown upon their + brow, to soften the pout upon their lips, what obstacles we + miraculously overcome! We shed our blood, we risk our future! + + You exact the history of my past life; here it is. But remember + this, Natalie; in obeying you I crush under foot a reluctance + hitherto unconquerable. Why are you jealous of the sudden reveries + which overtake me in the midst of our happiness? Why show the + pretty anger of a petted woman when silence grasps me? Could you + not play upon the contradictions of my character without inquiring + into the causes of them? Are there secrets in your heart which + seek absolution through a knowledge of mine? Ah! Natalie, you have + guessed mine; and it is better you should know the whole truth. + Yes, my life is shadowed by a phantom; a word evokes it; it hovers + vaguely above me and about me; within my soul are solemn memories, + buried in its depths like those marine productions seen in calmest + weather and which the storms of ocean cast in fragments on the + shore. + + The mental labor which the expression of ideas necessitates has + revived the old, old feelings which give me so much pain when they + come suddenly; and if in this confession of my past they break + forth in a way that wounds you, remember that you threatened to + punish me if I did not obey your wishes, and do not, therefore, + punish my obedience. I would that this, my confidence, might + increase your love. + +Until we meet, + +Felix. + + + + + CHAPTER I + + TWO CHILDHOODS + +To what genius fed on tears shall we some day owe that most touching +of all elegies,--the tale of tortures borne silently by souls whose +tender roots find stony ground in the domestic soil, whose earliest +buds are torn apart by rancorous hands, whose flowers are touched by +frost at the moment of their blossoming? What poet will sing the +sorrows of the child whose lips must suck a bitter breast, whose +smiles are checked by the cruel fire of a stern eye? The tale that +tells of such poor hearts, oppressed by beings placed about them to +promote the development of their natures, would contain the true +history of my childhood. + +What vanity could I have wounded,--I a child new-born? What moral or +physical infirmity caused by mother's coldness? Was I the child of +duty, whose birth is a mere chance, or was I one whose very life was a +reproach? Put to nurse in the country and forgotten by my family for +over three years, I was treated with such indifference on my return to +the parental roof that even the servants pitied me. I do not know to +what feeling or happy accident I owed my rescue from this first +neglect; as a child I was ignorant of it, as a man I have not +discovered it. Far from easing my lot, my brother and my two sisters +found amusement in making me suffer. The compact in virtue of which +children hide each other's peccadilloes, and which early teaches them +the principles of honor, was null and void in my case; more than that, +I was often punished for my brother's faults, without being allowed to +prove the injustice. The fawning spirit which seems instinctive in +children taught my brother and sisters to join in the persecutions to +which I was subjected, and thus keep in the good graces of a mother +whom they feared as much as I. Was this partly the effect of a +childish love of imitation; was it from a need of testing their +powers; or was it simply through lack of pity? Perhaps these causes +united to deprive me of the sweets of fraternal intercourse. + +Disinherited of all affection, I could love nothing; yet nature had +made me loving. Is there an angel who garners the sighs of feeling +hearts rebuffed incessantly? If in many such hearts the crushed +feelings turn to hatred, in mine they condensed and hollowed a depth +from which, in after years, they gushed forth upon my life. In many +characters the habit of trembling relaxes the fibres and begets fear, +and fear ends in submission; hence, a weakness which emasculates a +man, and makes him more or less a slave. But in my case these +perpetual tortures led to the development of a certain strength, which +increased through exercise and predisposed my spirit to the habit of +moral resistance. Always in expectation of some new grief--as the +martyrs expected some fresh blow--my whole being expressed, I doubt +not, a sullen resignation which smothered the grace and gaiety of +childhood, and gave me an appearance of idiocy which seemed to justify +my mother's threatening prophecies. The certainty of injustice +prematurely roused my pride--that fruit of reason--and thus, no doubt, +checked the evil tendencies which an education like mine encouraged. + +Though my mother neglected me I was sometimes the object of her +solicitude; she occasionally spoke of my education and seemed desirous +of attending to it herself. Cold chills ran through me at such times +when I thought of the torture a daily intercourse with her would +inflict upon me. I blessed the neglect in which I lived, and rejoiced +that I could stay alone in the garden and play with the pebbles and +watch the insects and gaze into the blueness of the sky. Though my +loneliness naturally led me to reverie, my liking for contemplation +was first aroused by an incident which will give you an idea of my +early troubles. So little notice was taken of me that the governess +occasionally forgot to send me to bed. One evening I was peacefully +crouching under a fig-tree, watching a star with that passion of +curiosity which takes possession of a child's mind, and to which my +precocious melancholy gave a sort of sentimental intuition. My sisters +were playing about and laughing; I heard their distant chatter like an +accompaniment to my thoughts. After a while the noise ceased and +darkness fell. My mother happened to notice my absence. To escape +blame, our governess, a terrible Mademoiselle Caroline, worked upon my +mother's fears,--told her I had a horror of my home and would long ago +have run away if she had not watched me; that I was not stupid but +sullen; and that in all her experience of children she had never known +one of so bad a disposition as mine. She pretended to search for me. I +answered as soon as I was called, and she came to the fig-tree, where +she very well knew I was. "What are you doing there?" she asked. +"Watching a star." "You were not watching a star," said my mother, who +was listening on her balcony; "children of your age know nothing of +astronomy." "Ah, madame," cried Mademoiselle Caroline, "he has opened +the faucet of the reservoir; the garden is inundated!" Then there was +a general excitement. The fact was that my sisters had amused +themselves by turning the cock to see the water flow, but a sudden +spurt wet them all over and frightened them so much that they ran away +without closing it. Accused and convicted of this piece of mischief +and told that I lied when I denied it, I was severely punished. Worse +than all, I was jeered at for my pretended love of the stars and +forbidden to stay in the garden after dark. + +Such tyrannical restrains intensify a passion in the hearts of +children even more than in those of men; children think of nothing but +the forbidden thing, which then becomes irresistibly attractive to +them. I was often whipped for my star. Unable to confide in my kind, I +told it all my troubles in that delicious inward prattle with which we +stammer our first ideas, just as once we stammered our first words. At +twelve years of age, long after I was at school, I still watched that +star with indescribable delight,--so deep and lasting are the +impressions we receive in the dawn of life. + +My brother Charles, five years older than I and as handsome a boy as +he now is a man, was the favorite of my father, the idol of my mother, +and consequently the sovereign of the house. He was robust and +well-made, and had a tutor. I, puny and even sickly, was sent at five +years of age as day pupil to a school in the town; taken in the morning +and brought back at night by my father's valet. I was sent with a scanty +lunch, while my school-fellows brought plenty of good food. This +trifling contrast between my privations and their prosperity made me +suffer deeply. The famous potted pork prepared at Tours and called +"rillettes" and "rillons" was the chief feature of their mid-day meal, +between the early breakfast and the parent's dinner, which was ready +when we returned from school. This preparation of meat, much prized by +certain gourmands, is seldom seen at Tours on aristocratic tables; if +I had ever heard of it before I went to school, I certainly had never +had the happiness of seeing that brown mess spread on slices of bread +and butter. Nevertheless, my desire for those "rillons" was so great +that it grew to be a fixed idea, like the longing of an elegant +Parisian duchess for the stews cooked by a porter's wife,--longings +which, being a woman, she found means to satisfy. Children guess each +other's covetousness, just as you are able to read a man's love, by +the look in the eyes; consequently I became an admirable butt for +ridicule. My comrades, nearly all belonging to the lower bourgeoisie, +would show me their "rillons" and ask if I knew how they were made and +where they were sold, and why it was that I never had any. They licked +their lips as they talked of them--scraps of pork pressed in their own +fat and looking like cooked truffles; they inspected my lunch-basket, +and finding nothing better than Olivet cheese or dried fruits, they +plagued me with questions: "Is that all you have? have you really +nothing else?"--speeches which made me realize the difference between +my brother and myself. + +This contrast between my own abandonment and the happiness of others +nipped the roses of my childhood and blighted my budding youth. The +first time that I, mistaking my comrades' actions for generosity, put +forth my hand to take the dainty I had so long coveted and which was +now hypocritically held out to me, my tormentor pulled back his slice +to the great delight of his comrades who were expecting that result. +If noble and distinguished minds are, as we often find them, capable +of vanity, can we blame the child who weeps when despised and jeered +at? Under such a trial many boys would have turned into gluttons and +cringing beggars. I fought to escape my persecutors. The courage of +despair made me formidable; but I was hated, and thus had no +protection against treachery. One evening as I left school I was +struck in the back by a handful of small stones tied in a +handkerchief. When the valet, who punished the perpetrator, told this +to my mother she exclaimed: "That dreadful child! he will always be a +torment to us." + +Finding that I inspired in my schoolmates the same repulsion that was +felt for me by my family, I sank into a horrible distrust of myself. A +second fall of snow checked the seeds that were germinating in my +soul. The boys whom I most liked were notorious scamps; this fact +roused my pride and I held aloof. Again I was shut up within myself +and had no vent for the feelings with which my heart was full. The +master of the school, observing that I was gloomy, disliked by my +comrades, and always alone, confirmed the family verdict as to my +sulky temper. As soon as I could read and write, my mother transferred +me to Pont-le-Voy, a school in charge of Oratorians who took boys of +my age into a form called the "class of the Latin steps" where dull +lads with torpid brains were apt to linger. + +There I remained eight years without seeing my family; living the life +of a pariah,--partly for the following reason. I received but three +francs a month pocket-money, a sum barely sufficient to buy the pens, +ink, paper, knives, and rules which we were forced to supply +ourselves. Unable to buy stilts or skipping-ropes, or any of the +things that were used in the playground, I was driven out of the +games; to gain admission on suffrage I should have had to toady the +rich and flatter the strong of my division. My heart rose against +either of these meannesses, which, however, most children readily +employ. I lived under a tree, lost in dejected thought, or reading the +books distributed to us monthly by the librarian. How many griefs were +in the shadow of that solitude; what genuine anguish filled my +neglected life! Imagine what my sore heart felt when, at the first +distribution of prizes,--of which I obtained the two most valued, +namely, for theme and for translation,--neither my father nor my +mother was present in the theatre when I came forward to receive the +awards amid general acclamations, although the building was filled +with the relatives of all my comrades. Instead of kissing the +distributor, according to custom, I burst into tears and threw myself +on his breast. That night I burned my crowns in the stove. The parents +of the other boys were in town for a whole week preceding the +distribution of the prizes, and my comrades departed joyfully the next +day; while I, whose father and mother were only a few miles distant, +remained at the school with the "outremers,"--a name given to scholars +whose families were in the colonies or in foreign countries. + +You will notice throughout how my unhappiness increased in proportion +as the social spheres on which I entered widened. God knows what +efforts I made to weaken the decree which condemned me to live within +myself! What hopes, long cherished with eagerness of soul, were doomed +to perish in a day! To persuade my parents to come and see me, I wrote +them letters full of feeling, too emphatically worded, it may be; but +surely such letters ought not to have drawn upon me my mother's +reprimand, coupled with ironical reproaches for my style. Not +discouraged even then, I implored the help of my sisters, to whom I +always wrote on their birthdays and fete-days with the persistence of +a neglected child; but it was all in vain. As the day for the +distribution of prizes approached I redoubled my entreaties, and told +of my expected triumphs. Misled by my parents' silence, I expected +them with a beating heart. I told my schoolfellows they were coming; +and then, when the old porter's step sounded in the corridors as he +called my happy comrades one by one to receive their friends, I was +sick with expectation. Never did that old man call my name! + +One day, when I accused myself to my confessor of having cursed my +life, he pointed to the skies, where grew, he said, the promised palm +for the "Beati qui lugent" of the Saviour. From the period of my first +communion I flung myself into the mysterious depths of prayer, +attracted to religious ideas whose moral fairyland so fascinates young +spirits. Burning with ardent faith, I prayed to God to renew in my +behalf the miracles I had read of in martyrology. At five years of age +I fled to my star; at twelve I took refuge in the sanctuary. My +ecstasy brought dreams unspeakable, which fed my imagination, fostered +my susceptibilities, and strengthened my thinking powers. I have often +attributed those sublime visions to the guardian angel charged with +moulding my spirit to its divine destiny; they endowed my soul with +the faculty of seeing the inner soul of things; they prepared my heart +for the magic craft which makes a man a poet when the fatal power is +his to compare what he feels within him with reality,--the great +things aimed for with the small things gained. Those visions wrote +upon my brain a book in which I read that which I must voice; they +laid upon my lips the coal of utterance. + +My father having conceived some doubts as to the tendency of the +Oratorian teachings, took me from Pont-le-Voy, and sent me to Paris to +an institution in the Marais. I was then fifteen. When examined as to +my capacity, I, who was in the rhetoric class at Pont-le-Voy, was +pronounced worthy of the third class. The sufferings I had endured in +my family and in school were continued under another form during my +stay at the Lepitre Academy. My father gave me no money; I was to be +fed, clothed, and stuffed with Latin and Greek, for a sum agreed on. +During my school life I came in contact with over a thousand comrades; +but I never met with such an instance of neglect and indifference as +mine. Monsieur Lepitre, who was fanatically attached to the Bourbons, +had had relations with my father at the time when all devoted +royalists were endeavoring to bring about the escape of Marie +Antoinette from the Temple. They had lately renewed acquaintance; and +Monsieur Lepitre thought himself obliged to repair my father's +oversight, and to give me a small sum monthly. But not being +authorized to do so, the amount was small indeed. + +The Lepitre establishment was in the old Joyeuse mansion where, as in +all seignorial houses, there was a porter's lodge. During a recess, +which preceded the hour when the man-of-all-work took us to the +Charlemagne Lyceum, the well-to-do pupils used to breakfast with the +porter, named Doisy. Monsieur Lepitre was either ignorant of the fact +or he connived at this arrangement with Doisy, a regular smuggler whom +it was the pupils' interest to protect,--he being the secret guardian +of their pranks, the safe confidant of their late returns and their +intermediary for obtaining forbidden books. Breakfast on a cup of +"cafe-au-lait" is an aristocratic habit, explained by the high prices +to which colonial products rose under Napoleon. If the use of sugar +and coffee was a luxury to our parents, with us it was the sign of +self-conscious superiority. Doisy gave credit, for he reckoned on the +sisters and aunts of the pupils, who made it a point of honor to pay +their debts. I resisted the blandishments of his place for a long +time. If my judges knew the strength of its seduction, the heroic +efforts I made after stoicism, the repressed desires of my long +resistance, they would pardon my final overthrow. But, child as I was, +could I have the grandeur of soul that scorns the scorn of others? +Moreover, I may have felt the promptings of several social vices whose +power was increased by my longings. + +About the end of the second year my father and mother came to Paris. +My brother had written me the day of their arrival. He lived in Paris, +but had never been to see me. My sisters, he said, were of the party; +we were all to see Paris together. The first day we were to dine in +the Palais-Royal, so as to be near the Theatre-Francais. In spite of +the intoxication such a programme of unhoped-for delights excited, my +joy was dampened by the wind of a coming storm, which those who are +used to unhappiness apprehend instinctively. I was forced to own a +debt of a hundred francs to the Sieur Doisy, who threatened to ask my +parents himself for the money. I bethought me of making my brother the +emissary of Doisy, the mouth-piece of my repentance and the mediator +of pardon. My father inclined to forgiveness, but my mother was +pitiless; her dark blue eye froze me; she fulminated cruel prophecies: +"What should I be later if at seventeen years of age I committed such +follies? Was I really a son of hers? Did I mean to ruin my family? Did +I think myself the only child of the house? My brother Charles's +career, already begun, required large outlay, amply deserved by his +conduct which did honor to the family, while mine would always +disgrace it. Did I know nothing of the value of money, and what I cost +them? Of what use were coffee and sugar to my education? Such conduct +was the first step into all the vices." + +After enduring the shock of this torrent which rasped my soul, I was +sent back to school in charge of my brother. I lost the dinner at the +Freres Provencaux, and was deprived of seeing Talma in Britannicus. +Such was my first interview with my mother after a separation of +twelve years. + +When I had finished school my father left me under the guardianship of +Monsieur Lepitre. I was to study the higher mathematics, follow a +course of law for one year, and begin philosophy. Allowed to study in +my own room and released from the classes, I expected a truce with +trouble. But, in spite of my nineteen years, perhaps because of them, +my father persisted in the system which had sent me to school without +food, to an academy without pocket-money, and had driven me into debt +to Doisy. Very little money was allowed to me, and what can you do in +Paris without money? Moreover, my freedom was carefully chained up. +Monsieur Lepitre sent me to the law school accompanied by a +man-of-all-work who handed me over to the professor and fetched me home +again. A young girl would have been treated with less precaution than +my mother's fears insisted on for me. Paris alarmed my parents, and +justly. Students are secretly engaged in the same occupation which +fills the minds of young ladies in their boarding-schools. Do what you +will, nothing can prevent the latter from talking of lovers, or the +former of women. But in Paris, and especially at this particular time, +such talk among young lads was influenced by the oriental and sultanic +atmosphere and customs of the Palais-Royal. + +The Palais-Royal was an Eldorado of love where the ingots melted away +in coin; there virgin doubts were over; there curiosity was appeased. +The Palais-Royal and I were two asymptotes bearing one towards the +other, yet unable to meet. Fate miscarried all my attempts. My father +had presented me to one of my aunts who lived in the Ile St. Louis. +With her I was to dine on Sundays and Thursdays, escorted to the house +by either Monsieur or Madame Lepitre, who went out themselves on those +days and were to call for me on their way home. Singular amusement for +a young lad! My aunt, the Marquise de Listomere, was a great lady, of +ceremonious habits, who would never have dreamed of offering me money. +Old as a cathedral, painted like a miniature, sumptuous in dress, she +lived in her great house as though Louis XV. were not dead, and saw +none but old women and men of a past day,--a fossil society which made +me think I was in a graveyard. No one spoke to me and I had not the +courage to speak first. Cold and alien looks made me ashamed of my +youth, which seemed to annoy them. I counted on this indifference to +aid me in certain plans; I was resolved to escape some day directly +after dinner and rush to the Palais-Royal. Once seated at whist my +aunt would pay no attention to me. Jean, the footman, cared little for +Monsieur Lepitre and would have aided me; but on the day I chose for +my adventure that luckless dinner was longer than usual,--either +because the jaws employed were worn out or the false teeth more +imperfect. At last, between eight and nine o'clock, I reached the +staircase, my heart beating like that of Bianca Capello on the day of +her flight; but when the porter pulled the cord I beheld in the street +before me Monsieur Lepitre's hackney-coach, and I heard his pursy +voice demanding me! + +Three times did fate interpose between the hell of the Palais-Royal +and the heaven of my youth. On the day when I, ashamed at twenty years +of age of my own ignorance, determined to risk all dangers to put an +end to it, at the very moment when I was about to run away from +Monsieur Lepitre as he got into the coach,--a difficult process, for +he was as fat as Louis XVIII. and club-footed,--well, can you believe +it, my mother arrived in a post-chaise! Her glance arrested me; I +stood still, like a bird before a snake. What fate had brought her +there? The simplest thing in the world. Napoleon was then making his +last efforts. My father, who foresaw the return of the Bourbons, had +come to Paris with my mother to advise my brother, who was employed in +the imperial diplomatic service. My mother was to take me back with +her, out of the way of dangers which seemed, to those who followed the +march of events intelligently, to threaten the capital. In a few +minutes, as it were, I was taken out of Paris, at the very moment when +my life there was about to become fatal to me. + +The tortures of imagination excited by repressed desires, the +weariness of a life depressed by constant privations had driven me to +study, just as men, weary of fate, confine themselves in a cloister. +To me, study had become a passion, which might even be fatal to my +health by imprisoning me at a period of life when young men ought to +yield to the bewitching activities of their springtide youth. + +This slight sketch of my boyhood, in which you, Natalie, can readily +perceive innumerable songs of woe, was needful to explain to you its +influence on my future life. At twenty years of age, and affected by +many morbid elements, I was still small and thin and pale. My soul, +filled with the will to do, struggled with a body that seemed weakly, +but which, in the words of an old physician at Tours, was undergoing +its final fusion into a temperament of iron. Child in body and old in +mind, I had read and thought so much that I knew life metaphysically +at its highest reaches at the moment when I was about to enter the +tortuous difficulties of its defiles and the sandy roads of its +plains. A strange chance had held me long in that delightful period +when the soul awakes to its first tumults, to its desires for joy, and +the savor of life is fresh. I stood in the period between puberty and +manhood,--the one prolonged by my excessive study, the other tardily +developing its living shoots. No young man was ever more thoroughly +prepared to feel and to love. To understand my history, let your mind +dwell on that pure time of youth when the mouth is innocent of +falsehood; when the glance of the eye is honest, though veiled by lids +which droop from timidity contradicting desire; when the soul bends +not to worldly Jesuitism, and the heart throbs as violently from +trepidation as from the generous impulses of young emotion. + +I need say nothing of the journey I made with my mother from Paris to +Tours. The coldness of her behavior repressed me. At each relay I +tried to speak; but a look, a word from her frightened away the +speeches I had been meditating. At Orleans, where we had passed the +night, my mother complained of my silence. I threw myself at her feet +and clasped her knees; with tears I opened my heart. I tried to touch +hers by the eloquence of my hungry love in accents that might have +moved a stepmother. She replied that I was playing comedy. I +complained that she had abandoned me. She called me an unnatural +child. My whole nature was so wrung that at Blois I went upon the +bridge to drown myself in the Loire. The height of the parapet +prevented my suicide. + +When I reached home, my two sisters, who did not know me, showed more +surprise than tenderness. Afterwards, however, they seemed, by +comparison, to be full of kindness towards me. I was given a room on +the third story. You will understand the extent of my hardships when I +tell you that my mother left me, a young man of twenty, without other +linen than my miserable school outfit, or any other outside clothes +than those I had long worn in Paris. If I ran from one end of the room +to the other to pick up her handkerchief, she took it with the cold +thanks a lady gives to her footman. Driven to watch her to find if +there were any soft spot where I could fasten the rootlets of +affection, I came to see her as she was,--a tall, spare woman, given +to cards, egotistical and insolent, like all the Listomeres, who count +insolence as part of their dowry. She saw nothing in life except +duties to be fulfilled. All cold women whom I have known made, as she +did, a religion of duty; she received our homage as a priest receives +the incense of the mass. My elder brother appeared to absorb the +trifling sentiment of maternity which was in her nature. She stabbed +us constantly with her sharp irony,--the weapon of those who have no +heart,--and which she used against us, who could make her no reply. + +Notwithstanding these thorny hindrances, the instinctive sentiments +have so many roots, the religious fear inspired by a mother whom it is +dangerous to displease holds by so many threads, that the sublime +mistake--if I may so call it--of our love for our mother lasted until +the day, much later in our lives, when we judged her finally. This +terrible despotism drove from my mind all thoughts of the voluptuous +enjoyments I had dreamed of finding at Tours. In despair I took refuge +in my father's library, where I set myself to read every book I did +not know. These long periods of hard study saved me from contact with +my mother; but they aggravated the dangers of my moral condition. +Sometimes my eldest sister--she who afterwards married our cousin, the +Marquis de Listomere--tried to comfort me, without, however, being +able to calm the irritation to which I was a victim. I desired to die. + +Great events, of which I knew nothing, were then in preparation. The +Duc d'Angouleme, who had left Bordeaux to join Louis XVIII. in Paris, +was received in every town through which he passed with ovations +inspired by the enthusiasm felt throughout old France at the return of +the Bourbons. Touraine was aroused for its legitimate princes; the +town itself was in a flutter, every window decorated, the inhabitants +in their Sunday clothes, a festival in preparation, and that nameless +excitement in the air which intoxicates, and which gave me a strong +desire to be present at the ball given by the duke. When I summoned +courage to make this request of my mother, who was too ill to go +herself, she became extremely angry. "Had I come from Congo?" she +inquired. "How could I suppose that our family would not be +represented at the ball? In the absence of my father and brother, of +course it was my duty to be present. Had I no mother? Was she not +always thinking of the welfare of her children?" + +In a moment the semi-disinherited son had become a personage! I was +more dumfounded by my importance than by the deluge of ironical +reasoning with which my mother received my request. I questioned my +sisters, and then discovered that my mother, who liked such theatrical +plots, was already attending to my clothes. The tailors in Tours were +fully occupied by the sudden demands of their regular customers, and +my mother was forced to employ her usual seamstress, who--according to +provincial custom--could do all kinds of sewing. A bottle-blue coat +had been secretly made for me, after a fashion, and silk stockings and +pumps provided; waistcoats were then worn short, so that I could wear +one of my father's; and for the first time in my life I had a shirt +with a frill, the pleatings of which puffed out my chest and were +gathered in to the knot of my cravat. When dressed in this apparel I +looked so little like myself that my sister's compliments nerved me to +face all Touraine at the ball. But it was a bold enterprise. Thanks to +my slimness I slipped into a tent set up in the gardens of the Papion +house, and found a place close to the armchair in which the duke was +seated. Instantly I was suffocated by the heat, and dazzled by the +lights, the scarlet draperies, the gilded ornaments, the dresses, and +the diamonds of the first public ball I had ever witnessed. I was +pushed hither and thither by a mass of men and women, who hustled each +other in a cloud of dust. The brazen clash of military music was +drowned in the hurrahs and acclamations of "Long live the Duc +d'Angouleme! Long live the King! Long live the Bourbons!" The ball was +an outburst of pent-up enthusiasm, where each man endeavored to outdo +the rest in his fierce haste to worship the rising sun,--an exhibition +of partisan greed which left me unmoved, or rather, it disgusted me +and drove me back within myself. + +Swept onward like a straw in the whirlwind, I was seized with a +childish desire to be the Duc d'Angouleme himself, to be one of these +princes parading before an awed assemblage. This silly fancy of a +Tourangean lad roused an ambition to which my nature and the +surrounding circumstances lent dignity. Who would not envy such +worship?--a magnificent repetition of which I saw a few months later, +when all Paris rushed to the feet of the Emperor on his return from +Elba. The sense of this dominion exercised over the masses, whose +feelings and whose very life are thus merged into one soul, dedicated +me then and thenceforth to glory, that priestess who slaughters the +Frenchmen of to-day as the Druidess once sacrificed the Gauls. + +Suddenly I met the woman who was destined to spur these ambitious +desires and to crown them by sending me into the heart of royalty. Too +timid to ask any one to dance,--fearing, moreover, to confuse the +figures,--I naturally became very awkward, and did not know what to do +with my arms and legs. Just as I was suffering severely from the +pressure of the crowd an officer stepped on my feet, swollen by the +new leather of my shoes as well as by the heat. This disgusted me with +the whole affair. It was impossible to get away; but I took refuge in +a corner of a room at the end of an empty bench, where I sat with +fixed eyes, motionless and sullen. Misled by my puny appearance, a +woman--taking me for a sleepy child--slid softly into the place beside +me, with the motion of a bird as she drops upon her nest. Instantly I +breathed the woman-atmosphere, which irradiated my soul as, in after +days, oriental poesy has shone there. I looked at my neighbor, and was +more dazzled by that vision than I had been by the scene of the fete. + +If you have understood this history of my early life you will guess +the feelings which now welled up within me. My eyes rested suddenly +on white, rounded shoulders where I would fain have laid my head, +--shoulders faintly rosy, which seemed to blush as if uncovered for +the first time; modest shoulders, that possessed a soul, and reflected +light from their satin surface as from a silken texture. These +shoulders were parted by a line along which my eyes wandered. I raised +myself to see the bust and was spell-bound by the beauty of the bosom, +chastely covered with gauze, where blue-veined globes of perfect +outline were softly hidden in waves of lace. The slightest details of +the head were each and all enchantments which awakened infinite +delights within me; the brilliancy of the hair laid smoothly above a +neck as soft and velvety as a child's, the white lines drawn by the +comb where my imagination ran as along a dewy path,--all these things +put me, as it were, beside myself. Glancing round to be sure that no +one saw me, I threw myself upon those shoulders as a child upon the +breast of its mother, kissing them as I laid my head there. The woman +uttered a piercing cry, which the noise of the music drowned; she +turned, saw me, and exclaimed, "Monsieur!" Ah! had she said, "My +little lad, what possesses you?" I might have killed her; but at the +word "Monsieur!" hot tears fell from my eyes. I was petrified by a +glance of saintly anger, by a noble face crowned with a diadem of +golden hair in harmony with the shoulders I adored. The crimson of +offended modesty glowed on her cheeks, though already it was appeased +by the pardoning instinct of a woman who comprehends a frenzy which +she inspires, and divines the infinite adoration of those repentant +tears. She moved away with the step and carriage of a queen. + +I then felt the ridicule of my position; for the first time I realized +that I was dressed like the monkey of a barrel organ. I was ashamed. +There I stood, stupefied,--tasting the fruit that I had stolen, +conscious of the warmth upon my lips, repenting not, and following +with my eyes the woman who had come down to me from heaven. Sick with +the first fever of the heart I wandered through the rooms, unable to +find mine Unknown, until at last I went home to bed, another man. + +A new soul, a soul with rainbow wings, had burst its chrysalis. +Descending from the azure wastes where I had long admired her, my star +had come to me a woman, with undiminished lustre and purity. I loved, +knowing naught of love. How strange a thing, this first irruption of +the keenest human emotion in the heart of a man! I had seen pretty +women in other places, but none had made the slightest impression upon +me. Can there be an appointed hour, a conjunction of stars, a union of +circumstances, a certain woman among all others to awaken an exclusive +passion at the period of life when love includes the whole sex? + +The thought that my Elect lived in Touraine made the air I breathed +delicious; the blue of the sky seemed bluer than I had ever yet seen +it. I raved internally, but externally I was seriously ill, and my +mother had fears, not unmingled with remorse. Like animals who know +when danger is near, I hid myself away in the garden to think of the +kiss that I had stolen. A few days after this memorable ball my mother +attributed my neglect of study, my indifference to her tyrannical +looks and sarcasms, and my gloomy behavior to the condition of my +health. The country, that perpetual remedy for ills that doctors +cannot cure, seemed to her the best means of bringing me out of my +apathy. She decided that I should spend a few weeks at Frapesle, a +chateau on the Indre midway between Montbazon and Azay-le-Rideau, +which belonged to a friend of hers, to whom, no doubt, she gave +private instructions. + +By the day when I thus for the first time gained my liberty I had swum +so vigorously in Love's ocean that I had well-nigh crossed it. I knew +nothing of mine unknown lady, neither her name, nor where to find her; +to whom, indeed, could I speak of her? My sensitive nature so +exaggerated the inexplicable fears which beset all youthful hearts at +the first approach of love that I began with the melancholy which +often ends a hopeless passion. I asked nothing better than to roam +about the country, to come and go and live in the fields. With the +courage of a child that fears no failure, in which there is something +really chivalrous, I determined to search every chateau in Touraine, +travelling on foot, and saying to myself as each old tower came in +sight, "She is there!" + +Accordingly, of a Thursday morning I left Tours by the barrier of +Saint-Eloy, crossed the bridges of Saint-Sauveur, reached Poncher +whose every house I examined, and took the road to Chinon. For the +first time in my life I could sit down under a tree or walk fast or +slow as I pleased without being dictated to by any one. To a poor lad +crushed under all sorts of despotism (which more or less does weigh +upon all youth) the first employment of freedom, even though it be +expended upon nothing, lifts the soul with irrepressible buoyancy. +Several reasons combined to make that day one of enchantment. During +my school years I had never been taken to walk more than two or three +miles from a city; yet there remained in my mind among the earliest +recollections of my childhood that feeling for the beautiful which the +scenery about Tours inspires. Though quite untaught as to the poetry +of such a landscape, I was, unknown to myself, critical upon it, like +those who imagine the ideal of art without knowing anything of its +practice. + +To reach the chateau of Frapesle, foot-passengers, or those on +horseback, shorten the way by crossing the Charlemagne moors, +--uncultivated tracts of land lying on the summit of the plateau which +separates the valley of the Cher from that of the Indre, and over +which there is a cross-road leading to Champy. These moors are flat +and sandy, and for more than three miles are dreary enough until you +reach, through a clump of woods, the road to Sache, the name of the +township in which Frapesle stands. This road, which joins that of +Chinon beyond Ballan, skirts an undulating plain to the little hamlet +of Artanne. Here we come upon a valley, which begins at Montbazon, +ends at the Loire, and seems to rise and fall,--to bound, as it were, +--beneath the chateaus placed on its double hillsides,--a splendid +emerald cup, in the depths of which flow the serpentine lines of the +river Indre. I gazed at this scene with ineffable delight, for which +the gloomy moor-land and the fatigue of the sandy walk had prepared +me. + +"If that woman, the flower of her sex, does indeed inhabit this earth, +she is here, on this spot." + +Thus musing, I leaned against a walnut-tree, beneath which I have +rested from that day to this whenever I return to my dear valley. +Beneath that tree, the confidant of my thoughts, I ask myself what +changes there are in me since last I stood there. + +My heart deceived me not--she lived there; the first castle that I saw +on the slope of a hill was the dwelling that held her. As I sat +beneath my nut-tree, the mid-day sun was sparkling on the slates of +her roof and the panes of her windows. Her cambric dress made the +white line which I saw among the vines of an arbor. She was, as you +know already without as yet knowing anything, the Lily of this valley, +where she grew for heaven, filling it with the fragrance of her +virtues. Love, infinite love, without other sustenance than the +vision, dimly seen, of which my soul was full, was there, expressed to +me by that long ribbon of water flowing in the sunshine between the +grass-green banks, by the lines of the poplars adorning with their +mobile laces that vale of love, by the oak-woods coming down between +the vineyards to the shore, which the river curved and rounded as it +chose, and by those dim varying horizons as they fled confusedly away. + +If you would see nature beautiful and virgin as a bride, go there of a +spring morning. If you would still the bleeding wounds of your heart, +return in the last days of autumn. In the spring, Love beats his wings +beneath the broad blue sky; in the autumn, we think of those who are +no more. The lungs diseased breathe in a blessed purity; the eyes will +rest on golden copses which impart to the soul their peaceful +stillness. At this moment, when I stood there for the first time, the +mills upon the brooksides gave a voice to the quivering valley; the +poplars were laughing as they swayed; not a cloud was in the sky; the +birds sang, the crickets chirped,--all was melody. Do not ask me again +why I love Touraine. I love it, not as we love our cradle, not as we +love the oasis in a desert; I love it as an artist loves art; I love +it less than I love you; but without Touraine, perhaps I might not now +be living. + +Without knowing why, my eyes reverted ever to that white spot, to the +woman who shone in that garden as the bell of a convolvulus shines +amid the underbrush, and wilts if touched. Moved to the soul, I +descended the slope and soon saw a village, which the superabounding +poetry that filled my heart made me fancy without an equal. Imagine +three mills placed among islands of graceful outline crowned with +groves of trees and rising from a field of water,--for what other name +can I give to that aquatic vegetation, so verdant, so finely colored, +which carpeted the river, rose above its surface and undulated upon +it, yielding to its caprices and swaying to the turmoil of the water +when the mill-wheels lashed it. Here and there were mounds of gravel, +against which the wavelets broke in fringes that shimmered in the +sunlight. Amaryllis, water-lilies, reeds, and phloxes decorated the +banks with their glorious tapestry. A trembling bridge of rotten +planks, the abutments swathed with flowers, and the hand-rails green +with perennials and velvet mosses drooping to the river but not +falling to it; mouldering boats, fishing-nets; the monotonous +sing-song of a shepherd; ducks paddling among the islands or preening +on the "jard,"--a name given to the coarse sand which the Loire brings +down; the millers, with their caps over one ear, busily loading their +mules,--all these details made the scene before me one of primitive +simplicity. Imagine, also, beyond the bridge two or three farm-houses, +a dove-cote, turtle-doves, thirty or more dilapidated cottages, +separated by gardens, by hedges of honeysuckle, clematis, and jasmine; +a dunghill beside each door, and cocks and hens about the road. Such +is the village of Pont-de-Ruan, a picturesque little hamlet leading up +to an old church full of character, a church of the days of the +Crusades, such a one as painters desire for their pictures. Surround +this scene with ancient walnut-trees and slim young poplars with their +pale-gold leaves; dot graceful buildings here and there along the +grassy slopes where sight is lost beneath the vaporous, warm sky, and +you will have some idea of one of the points of view of this most +lovely region. + +I followed the road to Sache along the left bank of the river, +noticing carefully the details of the hills on the opposite shore. At +length I reached a park embellished with centennial trees, which I +knew to be that of Frapesle. I arrived just as the bell was ringing +for breakfast. After the meal, my host, who little suspected that I +had walked from Tours, carried me over his estate, from the borders of +which I saw the valley on all sides under its many aspects,--here +through a vista, there to its broad extent; often my eyes were drawn +to the horizon along the golden blade of the Loire, where the sails +made fantastic figures among the currents as they flew before the +wind. As we mounted a crest I came in sight of the chateau d'Azay, +like a diamond of many facets in a setting of the Indre, standing on +wooden piles concealed by flowers. Farther on, in a hollow, I saw the +romantic masses of the chateau of Sache, a sad retreat though full of +harmony; too sad for the superficial, but dear to a poet with a soul +in pain. I, too, came to love its silence, its great gnarled trees, +and the nameless mysterious influence of its solitary valley. But now, +each time that we reached an opening towards the neighboring slope +which gave to view the pretty castle I had first noticed in the +morning, I stopped to look at it with pleasure. + +"Hey!" said my host, reading in my eyes the sparkling desires which +youth so ingenuously betrays, "so you scent from afar a pretty woman +as a dog scents game!" + +I did not like the speech, but I asked the name of the castle and of +its owner. + +"It is Clochegourde," he replied; "a pretty house belonging to the +Comte de Mortsauf, the head of an historic family in Touraine, whose +fortune dates from the days of Louis XI., and whose name tells the +story to which they owe their arms and their distinction. Monsieur de +Mortsauf is descended from a man who survived the gallows. The family +bear: Or, a cross potent and counter-potent sable, charged with a +fleur-de-lis or; and 'Dieu saulve le Roi notre Sire,' for motto. The +count settled here after the return of the emigration. The estate +belongs to his wife, a demoiselle de Lenoncourt, of the house of +Lenoncourt-Givry which is now dying out. Madame de Mortsauf is an only +daughter. The limited fortune of the family contrasts strangely with +the distinction of their names; either from pride, or, possibly, from +necessity, they never leave Clochegourde and see no company. Until now +their attachment to the Bourbons explained this retirement, but the +return of the king has not changed their way of living. When I came to +reside here last year I paid them a visit of courtesy; they returned +it and invited us to dinner; the winter separated us for some months, +and political events kept me away from Frapesle until recently. Madame +de Mortsauf is a woman who would hold the highest position wherever +she might be." + +"Does she often come to Tours?" + +"She never goes there. However," he added, correcting himself, "she +did go there lately to the ball given to the Duc d'Angouleme, who was +very gracious to her husband." + +"It was she!" I exclaimed. + +"She! who?" + +"A woman with beautiful shoulders." + +"You will meet a great many women with beautiful shoulders in +Touraine," he said, laughing. "But if you are not tired we can cross +the river and call at Clochegourde and you shall renew acquaintance +with those particular shoulders." + +I agreed, not without a blush of shame and pleasure. About four +o'clock we reached the little chateau on which my eyes had fastened +from the first. The building, which is finely effective in the +landscape, is in reality very modest. It has five windows on the +front; those at each end of the facade, looking south, project about +twelve feet,--an architectural device which gives the idea of two +towers and adds grace to the structure. The middle window serves as a +door from which you descend through a double portico into a terraced +garden which joins the narrow strip of grass-land that skirts the +Indre along its whole course. Though this meadow is separated from the +lower terrace, which is shaded by a double line of acacias and +Japanese ailanthus, by the country road, it nevertheless appears from +the house to be a part of the garden, for the road is sunken and +hemmed in on one side by the terrace, on the other side by a Norman +hedge. The terraces being very well managed put enough distance +between the house and the river to avoid the inconvenience of too +great proximity to water, without losing the charms of it. Below the +house are the stables, coach-house, green-houses, and kitchen, the +various openings to which form an arcade. The roof is charmingly +rounded at the angles, and bears mansarde windows with carved mullions +and leaden finials on their gables. This roof, no doubt much neglected +during the Revolution, is stained by a sort of mildew produced by +lichens and the reddish moss which grows on houses exposed to the sun. +The glass door of the portico is surmounted by a little tower which +holds the bell, and on which is carved the escutcheon of the +Blamont-Chauvry family, to which Madame de Mortsauf belonged, as follows: +Gules, a pale vair, flanked quarterly by two hands clasped or, and two +lances in chevron sable. The motto, "Voyez tous, nul ne touche!" +struck me greatly. The supporters, a griffin and dragon gules, +enchained or, made a pretty effect in the carving. The Revolution has +damaged the ducal crown and the crest, which was a palm-tree vert with +fruit or. Senart, the secretary of the committee of public safety was +bailiff of Sache before 1781, which explains this destruction. + +These arrangements give an elegant air to the little castle, dainty as +a flower, which seems to scarcely rest upon the earth. Seen from the +valley the ground-floor appears to be the first story; but on the +other side it is on a level with a broad gravelled path leading to a +grass-plot, on which are several flower-beds. To right and left are +vineyards, orchards, and a few acres of tilled land planted with +chestnut-trees which surround the house, the ground falling rapidly to +the Indre, where other groups of trees of variegated shades of green, +chosen by Nature herself, are spread along the shore. I admired these +groups, so charmingly disposed, as we mounted the hilly road which +borders Clochegourde; I breathed an atmosphere of happiness. Has the +moral nature, like the physical nature, its own electrical +communications and its rapid changes of temperature? My heart was +beating at the approach of events then unrevealed which were to change +it forever, just as animals grow livelier when foreseeing fine +weather. + +This day, so marked in my life, lacked no circumstance that was needed +to solemnize it. Nature was adorned like a woman to meet her lover. My +soul heard her voice for the first time; my eyes worshipped her, as +fruitful, as varied as my imagination had pictured her in those +school-dreams the influence of which I have tried in a few unskilful +words to explain to you, for they were to me an Apocalypse in which my +life was figuratively foretold; each event, fortunate or unfortunate, +being mated to some one of these strange visions by ties known only to +the soul. + +We crossed a court-yard surrounded by buildings necessary for the farm +work,--a barn, a wine-press, cow-sheds, and stables. Warned by the +barking of the watch-dog, a servant came to meet us, saying that +Monsieur le comte had gone to Azay in the morning but would soon +return, and that Madame la comtesse was at home. My companion looked +at me. I fairly trembled lest he should decline to see Madame de +Mortsauf in her husband's absence; but he told the man to announce us. +With the eagerness of a child I rushed into the long antechamber which +crosses the whole house. + +"Come in, gentlemen," said a golden voice. + +Though Madame de Mortsauf had spoken only one word at the ball, I +recognized her voice, which entered my soul and filled it as a ray of +sunshine fills and gilds a prisoner's dungeon. Thinking, suddenly, +that she might remember my face, my first impulse was to fly; but it +was too late,--she appeared in the doorway, and our eyes met. I know +not which of us blushed deepest. Too much confused for immediate +speech she returned to her seat at an embroidery frame while the +servant placed two chairs, then she drew out her needle and counted +some stitches, as if to explain her silence; after which she raised +her head, gently yet proudly, in the direction of Monsieur de Chessel +as she asked to what fortunate circumstance she owed his visit. Though +curious to know the secret of my unexpected appearance, she looked at +neither of us,--her eyes were fixed on the river; and yet you could +have told by the way she listened that she was able to recognize, as +the blind do, the agitations of a neighboring soul by the +imperceptible inflexions of the voice. + +Monsieur de Chessel gave my name and biography. I had lately arrived +at Tours, where my parents had recalled me when the armies threatened +Paris. A son of Touraine to whom Touraine was as yet unknown, she +would find me a young man weakened by excessive study and sent to +Frapesle to amuse himself; he had already shown me his estate, which I +saw for the first time. I had just told him that I had walked from +Tours to Frapesle, and fearing for my health--which was really +delicate--he had stopped at Clochegourde to ask her to allow me to +rest there. Monsieur de Chessel told the truth; but the accident +seemed so forced that Madame de Mortsauf distrusted us. She gave me a +cold, severe glance, under which my own eyelids fell, as much from a +sense of humiliation as to hide the tears that rose beneath them. She +saw the moisture on my forehead, and perhaps she guessed the tears; +for she offered me the restoratives I needed, with a few kind and +consoling words, which gave me back the power of speech. I blushed +like a young girl, and in a voice as tremulous as that of an old man I +thanked her and declined. + +"All I ask," I said, raising my eyes to hers, which mine now met for +the second time in a glance as rapid as lightning,--"is to rest here. +I am so crippled with fatigue I really cannot walk farther." + +"You must not doubt the hospitality of our beautiful Touraine," she +said; then, turning to my companion, she added: "You will give us the +pleasure of your dining at Clochegourde?" + +I threw such a look of entreaty at Monsieur de Chessel that he began +the preliminaries of accepting the invitation, though it was given in +a manner that seemed to expect a refusal. As a man of the world, he +recognized these shades of meaning; but I, a young man without +experience, believed so implicitly in the sincerity between word and +thought of this beautiful woman that I was wholly astonished when my +host said to me, after we reached home that evening, "I stayed because +I saw you were dying to do so; but if you do not succeed in making it +all right, I may find myself on bad terms with my neighbors." That +expression, "if you do not make it all right," made me ponder the +matter deeply. In other words, if I pleased Madame de Mortsauf, she +would not be displeased with the man who introduced me to her. He +evidently thought I had the power to please her; this in itself gave +me that power, and corroborated my inward hope at a moment when it +needed some outward succor. + +"I am afraid it will be difficult," he began; "Madame de Chessel +expects us." + +"She has you every day," replied the countess; "besides, we can send +her word. Is she alone?" + +"No, the Abbe de Quelus is there." + +"Well, then," she said, rising to ring the bell, "you really must dine +with us." + +This time Monsieur de Chessel thought her in earnest, and gave me a +congratulatory look. As soon as I was sure of passing a whole evening +under that roof I seemed to have eternity before me. For many +miserable beings to-morrow is a word without meaning, and I was of the +number who had no faith in it; when I was certain of a few hours of +happiness I made them contain a whole lifetime of delight. + +Madame de Mortsauf talked about local affairs, the harvest, the +vintage, and other matters to which I was a total stranger. This +usually argues either a want of breeding or great contempt for the +stranger present who is thus shut out from the conversation, but in +this case it was embarrassment. Though at first I thought she treated +me as a child and I envied the man of thirty to whom she talked of +serious matters which I could not comprehend, I came, a few months +later, to understand how significant a woman's silence often is, and +how many thoughts a voluble conversation masks. At first I attempted +to be at my ease and take part in it, then I perceived the advantages +of my situation and gave myself up to the charm of listening to Madame +de Mortsauf's voice. The breath of her soul rose and fell among the +syllables as sound is divided by the notes of a flute; it died away to +the ear as it quickened the pulsation of the blood. Her way of +uttering the terminations in "i" was like a bird's song; the "ch" as +she said it was a kiss, but the "t's" were an echo of her heart's +despotism. She thus extended, without herself knowing that she did so, +the meaning of her words, leading the soul of the listener into +regions above this earth. Many a time I have continued a discussion I +could easily have ended, many a time I have allowed myself to be +unjustly scolded that I might listen to those harmonies of the human +voice, that I might breathe the air of her soul as it left her lips, +and strain to my soul that spoken light as I would fain have strained +the speaker to my breast. A swallow's song of joy it was when she was +gay!--but when she spoke of her griefs, a swan's voice calling to its +mates! + +Madame de Mortsauf's inattention to my presence enabled me to examine +her. My eyes rejoiced as they glided over the sweet speaker; they +kissed her feet, they clasped her waist, they played with the ringlets +of her hair. And yet I was a prey to terror, as all who, once in their +lives, have experienced the illimitable joys of a true passion will +understand. I feared she would detect me if I let my eyes rest upon +the shoulder I had kissed, and the fear sharpened the temptation. I +yielded, I looked, my eyes tore away the covering; I saw the mole +which lay where the pretty line between the shoulders started, and +which, ever since the ball, had sparkled in that twilight which seems +the region of the sleep of youths whose imagination is ardent and +whose life is chaste. + +I can sketch for you the leading features which all eyes saw in Madame +de Mortsauf; but no drawing, however correct, no color, however warm, +can represent her to you. Her face was of those that require the +unattainable artist, whose hand can paint the reflection of inward +fires and render that luminous vapor which defies science and is not +revealable by language--but which a lover sees. Her soft, fair hair +often caused her much suffering, no doubt through sudden rushes of +blood to the head. Her brow, round and prominent like that of Joconda, +teemed with unuttered thoughts, restrained feelings--flowers drowning +in bitter waters. The eyes, of a green tinge flecked with brown, were +always wan; but if her children were in question, or if some keen +condition of joy or suffering (rare in the lives of all resigned +women) seized her, those eyes sent forth a subtile gleam as if from +fires that were consuming her,--the gleam that wrung the tears from +mine when she covered me with her contempt, and which sufficed to +lower the boldest eyelid. A Grecian nose, designed it might be by +Phidias, and united by its double arch to lips that were gracefully +curved, spiritualized the face, which was oval with a skin of the +texture of a white camellia colored with soft rose-tints upon the +cheeks. Her plumpness did not detract from the grace of her figure nor +from the rounded outlines which made her shape beautiful though well +developed. You will understand the character of this perfection when I +say that where the dazzling treasures which had so fascinated me +joined the arm there was no crease or wrinkle. No hollow disfigured +the base of her head, like those which make the necks of some women +resemble trunks of trees; her muscles were not harshly defined, and +everywhere the lines were rounded into curves as fugitive to the eye +as to the pencil. A soft down faintly showed upon her cheeks and on +the outline of her throat, catching the light which made it silken. +Her little ears, perfect in shape, were, as she said herself, the ears +of a mother and a slave. In after days, when our hearts were one, she +would say to me, "Here comes Monsieur de Mortsauf"; and she was right, +though I, whose hearing is remarkably acute, could hear nothing. + +Her arms were beautiful. The curved fingers of the hand were long, and +the flesh projected at the side beyond the finger-nails, like those of +antique statues. I should displease you, I know, if you were not +yourself an exception to my rule, when I say that flat waists should +have the preference over round ones. The round waist is a sign of +strength; but women thus formed are imperious, self-willed, and more +voluptuous than tender. On the other hand, women with flat waists are +devoted in soul, delicately perceptive, inclined to sadness, more +truly woman than the other class. The flat waist is supple and +yielding; the round waist is inflexible and jealous. + +You now know how she was made. She had the foot of a well-bred woman, +--the foot that walks little, is quickly tired, and delights the eye +when it peeps beneath the dress. Though she was the mother of two +children, I have never met any woman so truly a young girl as she. Her +whole air was one of simplicity, joined to a certain bashful +dreaminess which attracted others, just as a painter arrests our steps +before a figure into which his genius has conveyed a world of +sentiment. If you recall the pure, wild fragrance of the heath we +gathered on our return from the Villa Diodati, the flower whose tints +of black and rose you praised so warmly, you can fancy how this woman +could be elegant though remote from the social world, natural in +expression, fastidious in all things which became part of herself,--in +short, like the heath of mingled colors. Her body had the freshness we +admire in the unfolding leaf; her spirit the clear conciseness of the +aboriginal mind; she was a child by feeling, grave through suffering, +the mistress of a household, yet a maiden too. Therefore she charmed +artlessly and unconsciously, by her way of sitting down or rising, of +throwing in a word or keeping silence. Though habitually collected, +watchful as the sentinel on whom the safety of others depends and who +looks for danger, there were moments when smiles would wreathe her +lips and betray the happy nature buried beneath the saddened bearing +that was the outcome of her life. Her gift of attraction was +mysterious. Instead of inspiring the gallant attentions which other +women seek, she made men dream, letting them see her virginal nature +of pure flame, her celestial visions, as we see the azure heavens +through rifts in the clouds. This involuntary revelation of her being +made others thoughtful. The rarity of her gestures, above all, the +rarity of her glances--for, excepting her children, she seldom looked +at any one--gave a strange solemnity to all she said and did when her +words or actions seemed to her to compromise her dignity. + +On this particular morning Madame de Mortsauf wore a rose-colored gown +patterned in tiny stripes, a collar with a wide hem, a black belt, and +little boots of the same hue. Her hair was simply twisted round her +head, and held in place by a tortoise-shell comb. Such, my dear +Natalie, is the imperfect sketch I promised you. But the constant +emanation of her soul upon her family, that nurturing essence shed in +floods around her as the sun emits its light, her inward nature, her +cheerfulness on days serene, her resignation on stormy ones,--all +those variations of expression by which character is displayed depend, +like the effects in the sky, on unexpected and fugitive circumstances, +which have no connection with each other except the background against +which they rest, though all are necessarily mingled with the events of +this history,--truly a household epic, as great to the eyes of a wise +man as a tragedy to the eyes of the crowd, an epic in which you will +feel an interest, not only for the part I took in it, but for the +likeness that it bears to the destinies of so vast a number of women. + +Everything at Clochegourde bore signs of a truly English cleanliness. +The room in which the countess received us was panelled throughout and +painted in two shades of gray. The mantelpiece was ornamented with a +clock inserted in a block of mahogany and surmounted with a tazza, and +two large vases of white porcelain with gold lines, which held bunches +of Cape heather. A lamp was on a pier-table, and a backgammon board on +legs before the fireplace. Two wide bands of cotton held back the +white cambric curtains, which had no fringe. The furniture was covered +with gray cotton bound with a green braid, and the tapestry on the +countess's frame told why the upholstery was thus covered. Such +simplicity rose to grandeur. No apartment, among all that I have seen +since, has given me such fertile, such teeming impressions as those +that filled my mind in that salon of Clochegourde, calm and composed +as the life of its mistress, where the conventual regularity of her +occupations made itself felt. The greater part of my ideas in science +or politics, even the boldest of them, were born in that room, as +perfumes emanate from flowers; there grew the mysterious plant that +cast upon my soul its fructifying pollen; there glowed the solar +warmth which developed my good and shrivelled my evil qualities. +Through the windows the eye took in the valley from the heights of +Pont-de-Ruan to the chateau d'Azay, following the windings of the +further shore, picturesquely varied by the towers of Frapesle, the +church, the village, and the old manor-house of Sache, whose venerable +pile looked down upon the meadows. + +In harmony with this reposeful life, and without other excitements to +emotion than those arising in the family, this scene conveyed to the +soul its own serenity. If I had met her there for the first time, +between the count and her two children, instead of seeing her +resplendent in a ball dress, I should not have ravished that delirious +kiss, which now filled me with remorse and with the fear of having +lost the future of my love. No; in the gloom of my unhappy life I +should have bent my knee and kissed the hem of her garment, wetting it +with tears, and then I might have flung myself into the Indre. But +having breathed the jasmine perfume of her skin and drunk the milk of +that cup of love, my soul had acquired the knowledge and the hope of +human joys; I would live and await the coming of happiness as the +savage awaits his hour of vengeance; I longed to climb those trees, to +creep among the vines, to float in the river; I wanted the +companionship of night and its silence, I needed lassitude of body, I +craved the heat of the sun to make the eating of the delicious apple +into which I had bitten perfect. Had she asked of me the singing +flower, the riches buried by the comrades of Morgan the destroyer, I +would have sought them, to obtain those other riches and that mute +flower for which I longed. + +When my dream, the dream into which this first contemplation of my +idol plunged me, came to an end and I heard her speaking of Monsieur +de Mortsauf, the thought came that a woman must belong to her husband, +and a raging curiosity possessed me to see the owner of this treasure. +Two emotions filled my mind, hatred and fear,--hatred which allowed of +no obstacles and measured all without shrinking, and a vague, but real +fear of the struggle, of its issue, and above all of _her_. + +"Here is Monsieur de Mortsauf," she said. + +I sprang to my feet like a startled horse. Though the movement was +seen by Monsieur de Chessel and the countess, neither made any +observation, for a diversion was effected at this moment by the +entrance of a little girl, whom I took to be about six years old, who +came in exclaiming, "Here's papa!" + +"Madeleine?" said her mother, gently. + +The child at once held out her hand to Monsieur de Chessel, and looked +attentively at me after making a little bow with an air of +astonishment. + +"Are you more satisfied about her health?" asked Monsieur de Chessel. + +"She is better," replied the countess, caressing the little head which +was already nestling in her lap. + +The next question of Monsieur de Chessel let me know that Madeleine +was nine years old; I showed great surprise, and immediately the +clouds gathered on the mother's brow. My companion threw me a +significant look,--one of those which form the education of men of the +world. I had stumbled no doubt upon some maternal wound the covering +of which should have been respected. The sickly child, whose eyes were +pallid and whose skin was white as a porcelain vase with a light +within it, would probably not have lived in the atmosphere of a city. +Country air and her mother's brooding care had kept the life in that +frail body, delicate as a hot-house plant growing in a harsh and +foreign climate. Though in nothing did she remind me of her mother, +Madeleine seemed to have her soul, and that soul held her up. Her hair +was scanty and black, her eyes and cheeks hollow, her arms thin, her +chest narrow, showing a battle between life and death, a duel without +truce in which the mother had so far been victorious. The child willed +to live,--perhaps to spare her mother, for at times, when not +observed, she fell into the attitude of a weeping-willow. You might +have thought her a little gypsy dying of hunger, begging her way, +exhausted but always brave and dressed up to play her part. + +"Where have you left Jacques?" asked the countess, kissing the white +line which parted the child's hair into two bands that looked like a +crow's wings. + +"He is coming with papa." + +Just then the count entered, holding his son by the hand. Jacques, the +image of his sister, showed the same signs of weakness. Seeing these +sickly children beside a mother so magnificently healthy it was +impossible not to guess at the causes of the grief which clouded her +brow and kept her silent on a subject she could take to God only. As +he bowed, Monsieur de Mortsauf gave me a glance that was less +observing than awkwardly uneasy,--the glance of a man whose distrust +grows out of his inability to analyze. After explaining the +circumstances of our visit, and naming me to him, the countess gave +him her place and left the room. The children, whose eyes were on +those of their mother as if they drew the light of theirs from hers, +tried to follow her; but she said, with a finger on her lips, "Stay +dears!" and they obeyed, but their eyes filled. Ah! to hear that one +word "dears" what tasks they would have undertaken! + +Like the children, I felt less warm when she had left us. My name +seemed to change the count's feeling toward me. Cold and supercilious +in his first glance, he became at once, if not affectionate, at least +politely attentive, showing me every consideration and seeming pleased +to receive me as a guest. My father had formerly done devoted service +to the Bourbons, and had played an important and perilous, though +secret part. When their cause was lost by the elevation of Napoleon, +he took refuge in the quietude of the country and domestic life, +accepting the unmerited accusations that followed him as the +inevitable reward of those who risk all to win all, and who succumb +after serving as pivot to the political machine. Knowing nothing of +the fortunes, nor of the past, nor of the future of my family, I was +unaware of this devoted service which the Comte de Mortsauf well +remembered. Moreover, the antiquity of our name, the most precious +quality of a man in his eyes, added to the warmth of his greeting. I +knew nothing of these reasons until later; for the time being the +sudden transition to cordiality put me at my ease. When the two +children saw that we were all three fairly engaged in conversation, +Madeleine slipped her head from her father's hand, glanced at the open +door, and glided away like an eel, Jacques following her. They +rejoined their mother, and I heard their voices and their movements, +sounding in the distance like the murmur of bees about a hive. + +I watched the count, trying to guess his character, but I became so +interested in certain leading traits that I got no further than a +superficial examination of his personality. Though he was only +forty-five years old, he seemed nearer sixty, so much had the great +shipwreck at the close of the eighteenth century aged him. The +crescent of hair which monastically fringed the back of his head, +otherwise completely bald, ended at the ears in little tufts of gray +mingled with black. His face bore a vague resemblance to that of a +white wolf with blood about its muzzle, for his nose was inflamed and +gave signs of a life poisoned at its springs and vitiated by diseases +of long standing. His flat forehead, too broad for the face beneath +it, which ended in a point, and transversely wrinkled in crooked +lines, gave signs of a life in the open air, but not of any mental +activity; it also showed the burden of constant misfortunes, but not +of any efforts made to surmount them. His cheekbones, which were brown +and prominent amid the general pallor of his skin, showed a physical +structure which was likely to ensure him a long life. His hard, +light-yellow eye fell upon mine like a ray of wintry sun, bright +without warmth, anxious without thought, distrustful without conscious +cause. His mouth was violent and domineering, his chin flat and long. +Thin and very tall, he had the bearing of a gentleman who relies upon +the conventional value of his caste, who knows himself above others by +right, and beneath them in fact. The carelessness of country life had +made him neglect his external appearance. His dress was that of a +country-man whom peasants and neighbors no longer considered except +for his territorial worth. His brown and wiry hands showed that he +wore no gloves unless he mounted a horse, or went to church, and his +shoes were thick and common. + +Though ten years of emigration and ten years more of farm-life had +changed his physical condition, he still retained certain vestiges of +nobility. The bitterest liberal (a term not then in circulation) would +readily have admitted his chivalric loyalty and the imperishable +convictions of one who puts his faith to the "Quotidienne"; he would +have felt respect for the man religiously devoted to a cause, honest +in his political antipathies, incapable of serving his party but very +capable of injuring it, and without the slightest real knowledge of +the affairs of France. The count was in fact one of those upright men +who are available for nothing, but stand obstinately in the way of +all; ready to die under arms at the post assigned to them, but +preferring to give their life rather than to give their money. + +During dinner I detected, in the hanging of his flaccid cheeks and the +covert glances he cast now and then upon his children, the traces of +some wearing thought which showed for a moment upon the surface. +Watching him, who could fail to understand him? Who would not have +seen that he had fatally transmitted to his children those weakly +bodies in which the principle of life was lacking. But if he blamed +himself he denied to others the right to judge him. Harsh as one who +knows himself in fault, yet without greatness of soul or charm to +compensate for the weight of misery he had thrown into the balance, +his private life was no doubt the scene of irascibilities that were +plainly revealed in his angular features and by the incessant +restlessness of his eye. When his wife returned, followed by the +children who seemed fastened to her side, I felt the presence of +unhappiness, just as in walking over the roof of a vault the feet +become in some way conscious of the depths below. Seeing these four +human beings together, holding them all as it were in one glance, +letting my eye pass from one to the other, studying their countenances +and their respective attitudes, thoughts steeped in sadness fell upon +my heart as a fine gray rain dims a charming landscape after the sun +has risen clear. + +When the immediate subject of conversation was exhausted the count +told his wife who I was, and related certain circumstances connected +with my family that were wholly unknown to me. He asked me my age. +When I told it, the countess echoed my own exclamation of surprise at +her daughter's age. Perhaps she had thought me fifteen. Later on, I +discovered that this was still another tie which bound her strongly to +me. Even then I read her soul. Her motherhood quivered with a tardy +ray of hope. Seeing me at over twenty years of age so slight and +delicate and yet so nervously strong, a voice cried to her, "They too +will live!" She looked at me searchingly, and in that moment I felt +the barriers of ice melting between us. She seemed to have many +questions to ask, but uttered none. + +"If study has made you ill," she said, "the air of our valley will +soon restore you." + +"Modern education is fatal to children," remarked the count. "We stuff +them with mathematics and ruin their health with sciences, and make +them old before their time. You must stay and rest here," he added, +turning to me. "You are crushed by the avalanche of ideas that have +rolled down upon you. What sort of future will this universal +education bring upon us unless we prevent its evils by replacing +public education in the hands of the religious bodies?" + +These words were in harmony with a speech he afterwards made at the +elections when he refused his support to a man whose gifts would have +done good service to the royalist cause. "I shall always distrust men +of talent," he said. + +Presently the count proposed that we should make the tour of the +gardens. + +"Monsieur--" said his wife. + +"Well, what, my dear?" he said, turning to her with an arrogant +harshness which showed plainly enough how absolute he chose to be in +his own home. + +"Monsieur de Vandenesse walked from Tours this morning and Monsieur de +Chessel, not aware of it, has already taken him on foot over +Frapesle." + +"Very imprudent of you," the count said, turning to me; "but at your +age--" and he shook his head in sign of regret. + +The conversation was resumed. I soon saw how intractable his royalism +was, and how much care was needed to swim safely in his waters. The +man-servant, who had now put on his livery, announced dinner. Monsieur +de Chessel gave his arm to Madame de Mortsauf, and the count gaily +seized mine to lead me into the dining-room, which was on the +ground-floor facing the salon. + +This room, floored with white tiles made in Touraine, and wainscoted +to the height of three feet, was hung with a varnished paper divided +into wide panels by wreaths of flowers and fruit; the windows had +cambric curtains trimmed with red, the buffets were old pieces by +Boulle himself, and the woodwork of the chairs, which were covered by +hand-made tapestry, was carved oak. The dinner, plentifully supplied, +was not luxurious; family silver without uniformity, Dresden china +which was not then in fashion, octagonal decanters, knives with agate +handles, and lacquered trays beneath the wine-bottles, were the chief +features of the table, but flowers adorned the porcelain vases and +overhung the gilding of their fluted edges. I delighted in these +quaint old things. I thought the Reveillon paper with its flowery +garlands beautiful. The sweet content that filled my sails hindered me +from perceiving the obstacles which a life so uniform, so unvarying in +solitude of the country placed between her and me. I was near her, +sitting at her right hand, serving her with wine. Yes, unhoped-for +joy! I touched her dress, I ate her bread. At the end of three hours +my life had mingled with her life! That terrible kiss had bound us to +each other in a secret which inspired us with mutual shame. A glorious +self-abasement took possession of me. I studied to please the count, I +fondled the dogs, I would gladly have gratified every desire of the +children, I would have brought them hoops and marbles and played horse +with them; I was even provoked that they did not already fasten upon +me as a thing of their own. Love has intuitions like those of genius; +and I dimly perceived that gloom, discontent, hostility would destroy +my footing in that household. + +The dinner passed with inward happiness on my part. Feeling that I was +there, under her roof, I gave no heed to her obvious coldness, nor to +the count's indifference masked by his politeness. Love, like life, +has an adolescence during which period it suffices unto itself. I made +several stupid replies induced by the tumults of passion, but no one +perceived their cause, not even SHE, who knew nothing of love. The +rest of my visit was a dream, a dream which did not cease until by +moonlight on that warm and balmy night I recrossed the Indre, watching +the white visions that embellished meadows, shores, and hills, and +listening to the clear song, the matchless note, full of deep +melancholy and uttered only in still weather, of a tree-frog whose +scientific name is unknown to me. Since that solemn evening I have +never heard it without infinite delight. A sense came to me then of +the marble wall against which my feelings had hitherto dashed +themselves. Would it be always so? I fancied myself under some fatal +spell; the unhappy events of my past life rose up and struggled with +the purely personal pleasure I had just enjoyed. Before reaching +Frapesle I turned to look at Clochegourde and saw beneath its windows +a little boat, called in Touraine a punt, fastened to an ash-tree and +swaying on the water. This punt belonged to Monsieur de Mortsauf, who +used it for fishing. + +"Well," said Monsieur de Chessel, when we were out of ear-shot. "I +needn't ask if you found those shoulders; I must, however, +congratulate you on the reception Monsieur de Mortsauf gave you. The +devil! you stepped into his heart at once." + +These words followed by those I have already quoted to you raised my +spirits. I had not as yet said a word, and Monsieur de Chessel may +have attributed my silence to happiness. + +"How do you mean?" I asked. + +"He never, to my knowledge, received any one so well." + +"I will admit that I am rather surprised myself," I said, conscious of +a certain bitterness underlying my companion's speech. + +Though I was too inexpert in social matters to understand its cause, I +was much struck by the feeling Monsieur de Chessel betrayed. His real +name was Durand, but he had had the weakness to discard the name of a +worthy father, a merchant who had made a large fortune under the +Revolution. His wife was sole heiress of the Chessels, an old +parliamentary family under Henry IV., belonging to the middle classes, +as did most of the Parisian magistrates. Ambitious of higher flights +Monsieur de Chessel endeavored to smother the original Durand. He +first called himself Durand de Chessel, then D. de Chessel, and that +made him Monsieur de Chessel. Under the Restoration he entailed an +estate with the title of count in virtue of letters-patent from Louis +XVIII. His children reaped the fruits of his audacity without knowing +what it cost him in sarcastic comments. Parvenus are like monkeys, +whose cleverness they possess; we watch them climbing, we admire their +agility, but once at the summit we see only their absurd and +contemptible parts. The reverse side of my host's character was made +up of pettiness with the addition of envy. The peerage and he were on +diverging lines. To have an ambition and gratify it shows merely the +insolence of strength, but to live below one's avowed ambition is a +constant source of ridicule to petty minds. Monsieur de Chessel did +not advance with the straightforward step of a strong man. Twice +elected deputy, twice defeated; yesterday director-general, to-day +nothing at all, not even prefect, his successes and his defeats had +injured his nature, and given him the sourness of invalided ambition. +Though a brave man and a witty one and capable of great things, envy, +which is the root of existence in Touraine, the inhabitants of which +employ their native genius in jealousy of all things, injured him in +upper social circles, where a dissatisfied man, frowning at the +success of others, slow at compliments and ready at epigram, seldom +succeeds. Had he sought less he might perhaps have obtained more; but +unhappily he had enough genuine superiority to make him wish to +advance in his own way. + +At this particular time Monsieur de Chessel's ambition had a second +dawn. Royalty smiled upon him, and he was now affecting the grand +manner. Still he was, I must say, most kind to me, and he pleased me +for the very simple reason that with him I had found peace and rest +for the first time. The interest, possibly very slight, which he +showed in my affairs, seemed to me, lonely and rejected as I was, an +image of paternal love. His hospitable care contrasted so strongly +with the neglect to which I was accustomed, that I felt a childlike +gratitude to the home where no fetters bound me and where I was +welcomed and even courted. + +The owners of Frapesle are so associated with the dawn of my life's +happiness that I mingle them in all those memories I love to revive. +Later, and more especially in connection with his letters-patent, I +had the pleasure of doing my host some service. Monsieur de Chessel +enjoyed his wealth with an ostentation that gave umbrage to certain of +his neighbors. He was able to vary and renew his fine horses and +elegant equipages; his wife dressed exquisitely; he received on a +grand scale; his servants were more numerous than his neighbors +approved; for all of which he was said to be aping princes. The +Frapesle estate is immense. Before such luxury as this the Comte de +Mortsauf, with one family cariole,--which in Touraine is something +between a coach without springs and a post-chaise,--forced by limited +means to let or farm Clochegourde, was Tourangean up to the time when +royal favor restored the family to a distinction possibly unlooked +for. His greeting to me, the younger son of a ruined family whose +escutcheon dated back to the Crusades, was intended to show contempt +for the large fortune and to belittle the possessions, the woods, the +arable lands, the meadows, of a neighbor who was not of noble birth. +Monsieur de Chessel fully understood this. They always met politely; +but there was none of that daily intercourse or that agreeable +intimacy which ought to have existed between Clochegourde and +Frapesle, two estates separated only by the Indre, and whose +mistresses could have beckoned to each other from their windows. + +Jealousy, however, was not the sole reason for the solitude in which +the Count de Mortsauf lived. His early education was that of the +children of great families,--an incomplete and superficial instruction +as to knowledge, but supplemented by the training of society, the +habits of a court life, and the exercise of important duties under the +crown or in eminent offices. Monsieur de Mortsauf had emigrated at the +very moment when the second stage of his education was about to begin, +and accordingly that training was lacking to him. He was one of those +who believed in the immediate restoration of the monarchy; with that +conviction in his mind, his exile was a long and miserable period of +idleness. When the army of Conde, which his courage led him to join +with the utmost devotion, was disbanded, he expected to find some +other post under the white flag, and never sought, like other +emigrants, to take up an industry. Perhaps he had not the sort of +courage that could lay aside his name and earn his living in the sweat +of a toil he despised. His hopes, daily postponed to the morrow, and +possibly a scruple of honor, kept him from offering his services to +foreign powers. Trials undermined his courage. Long tramps afoot on +insufficient nourishment, and above all, on hopes betrayed, injured +his health and discouraged his mind. By degrees he became utterly +destitute. If to some men misery is a tonic, on others it acts as a +dissolvent; and the count was of the latter. + +Reflecting on the life of this poor Touraine gentleman, tramping and +sleeping along the highroads of Hungary, sharing the mutton of Prince +Esterhazy's shepherds, from whom the foot-worn traveller begged the +food he would not, as a gentleman, have accepted at the table of the +master, and refusing again and again to do service to the enemies of +France, I never found it in my heart to feel bitterness against him, +even when I saw him at his worst in after days. The natural gaiety of +a Frenchman and a Tourangean soon deserted him; he became morose, fell +ill, and was charitably cared for in some German hospital. His disease +was an inflammation of the mesenteric membrane, which is often fatal, +and is liable, even if cured, to change the constitution and produce +hypochondria. His love affairs, carefully buried out of sight and +which I alone discovered, were low-lived, and not only destroyed his +health but ruined his future. + +After twelve years of great misery he made his way to France, under +the decree of the Emperor which permitted the return of the emigrants. +As the wretched wayfarer crossed the Rhine and saw the tower of +Strasburg against the evening sky, his strength gave way. "'France! +France!' I cried. 'I see France!'" (he said to me) "as a child cries +'Mother!' when it is hurt." Born to wealth, he was now poor; made to +command a regiment or govern a province, he was now without authority +and without a future; constitutionally healthy and robust, he returned +infirm and utterly worn out. Without enough education to take part +among men and affairs, now broadened and enlarged by the march of +events, necessarily without influence of any kind, he lived despoiled +of everything, of his moral strength as well as his physical. Want of +money made his name a burden. His unalterable opinions, his +antecedents with the army of Conde, his trials, his recollections, his +wasted health, gave him susceptibilities which are but little spared +in France, that land of jest and sarcasm. Half dead he reached Maine, +where, by some accident of the civil war, the revolutionary government +had forgotten to sell one of his farms of considerable extent, which +his farmer had held for him by giving out that he himself was the +owner of it. + +When the Lenoncourt family, living at Givry, an estate not far from +this farm, heard of the arrival of the Comte de Mortsauf, the Duc de +Lenoncourt invited him to stay at Givry while a house was being +prepared for him. The Lenoncourt family were nobly generous to him, +and with them he remained some months, struggling to hide his +sufferings during that first period of rest. The Lenoncourts had +themselves lost an immense property. By birth Monsieur de Mortsauf was +a suitable husband for their daughter. Mademoiselle de Lenoncourt, +instead of rejecting a marriage with a feeble and worn-out man of +thirty-five, seemed satisfied to accept it. It gave her the +opportunity of living with her aunt, the Duchesse de Verneuil, sister +of the Prince de Blamont-Chauvry, who was like a mother to her. + +Madame de Verneuil, the intimate friend of the Duchesse de Bourbon, +was a member of the devout society of which Monsieur Saint-Martin +(born in Touraine and called the Philosopher of Mystery) was the soul. +The disciples of this philosopher practised the virtues taught them by +the lofty doctrines of mystical illumination. These doctrines hold the +key to worlds divine; they explain existence by reincarnations through +which the human spirit rises to its sublime destiny; they liberate +duty from its legal degradation, enable the soul to meet the trials of +life with the unalterable serenity of the Quaker, ordain contempt for +the sufferings of this life, and inspire a fostering care of that +angel within us who allies us to the divine. It is stoicism with an +immortal future. Active prayer and pure love are the elements of this +faith, which is born of the Roman Church but returns to the +Christianity of the primitive faith. Mademoiselle de Lenoncourt +remained, however, in the Catholic communion, to which her aunt was +equally bound. Cruelly tried by revolutionary horrors, the Duchesse de +Verneuil acquired in the last years of her life a halo of passionate +piety, which, to use the phraseology of Saint-Martin, shed the light +of celestial love and the chrism of inward joy upon the soul of her +cherished niece. + +After the death of her aunt, Madame de Mortsauf received several +visits at Clochegourde from Saint-Martin, a man of peace and of +virtuous wisdom. It was at Clochegourde that he corrected his last +books, printed at Tours by Letourmy. Madame de Verneuil, wise with the +wisdom of an old woman who has known the stormy straits of life, gave +Clochegourde to the young wife for her married home; and with the +grace of old age, so perfect where it exists, the duchess yielded +everything to her niece, reserving for herself only one room above the +one she had always occupied, and which she now fitted up for the +countess. Her sudden death threw a gloom over the early days of the +marriage, and connected Clochegourde with ideas of sadness in the +sensitive mind of the bride. The first period of her settlement in +Touraine was to Madame de Mortsauf, I cannot say the happiest, but the +least troubled of her life. + +After the many trials of his exile, Monsieur de Mortsauf, taking +comfort in the thought of a secure future, had a certain recovery of +mind; he breathed anew in this sweet valley the intoxicating essence +of revived hope. Compelled to husband his means, he threw himself into +agricultural pursuits and began to find some happiness in life. But +the birth of his first child, Jacques, was a thunderbolt which ruined +both the past and the future. The doctor declared the child had not +vitality enough to live. The count concealed this sentence from the +mother; but he sought other advice, and received the same fatal +answer, the truth of which was confirmed at the subsequent birth of +Madeleine. These events and a certain inward consciousness of the +cause of this disaster increased the diseased tendencies of the man +himself. His name doomed to extinction, a pure and irreproachable +young woman made miserable beside him and doomed to the anguish of +maternity without its joys--this uprising of his former into his +present life, with its growth of new sufferings, crushed his spirit +and completed its destruction. + +The countess guessed the past from the present, and read the future. +Though nothing is so difficult as to make a man happy when he knows +himself to blame, she set herself to that task, which is worthy of an +angel. She became stoical. Descending into an abyss, whence she still +could see the sky, she devoted herself to the care of one man as the +sister of charity devotes herself to many. To reconcile him with +himself, she forgave him that for which he had no forgiveness. The +count grew miserly; she accepted the privations he imposed. Like all +who have known the world only to acquire its suspiciousness, he feared +betrayal; she lived in solitude and yielded without a murmur to his +mistrust. With a woman's tact she made him will to do that which was +right, till he fancied the ideas were his own, and thus enjoyed in his +own person the honors of a superiority that was never his. After due +experience of married life, she came to the resolution of never +leaving Clochegourde; for she saw the hysterical tendencies of the +count's nature, and feared the outbreaks which might be talked of in +that gossipping and jealous neighborhood to the injury of her +children. Thus, thanks to her, no one suspected Monsieur de Mortsauf's +real incapacity, for she wrapped his ruins in a mantle of ivy. The +fickle, not merely discontented but embittered nature of the man found +rest and ease in his wife; his secret anguish was lessened by the balm +she shed upon it. + +This brief history is in part a summary of that forced from Monsieur +de Chessel by his inward vexation. His knowledge of the world enabled +him to penetrate several of the mysteries of Clochegourde. But the +prescience of love could not be misled by the sublime attitude with +which Madame de Mortsauf deceived the world. When alone in my little +bedroom, a sense of the full truth made me spring from my bed; I could +not bear to stay at Frapesle when I saw the lighted windows of +Clochegourde. I dressed, went softly down, and left the chateau by the +door of a tower at the foot of a winding stairway. The coolness of the +night calmed me. I crossed the Indre by the bridge at the Red Mill, +took the ever-blessed punt, and rowed in front of Clochegourde, where +a brilliant light was streaming from a window looking towards Azay. + +Again I plunged into my old meditations; but they were now peaceful, +intermingled with the love-note of the nightingale and the solitary +cry of the sedge-warbler. Ideas glided like fairies through my mind, +lifting the black veil which had hidden till then the glorious future. +Soul and senses were alike charmed. With what passion my thoughts rose +to her! Again and again I cried, with the repetition of a madman, +"Will she be mine?" During the preceding days the universe had +enlarged to me, but now in a single night I found its centre. On her +my will and my ambition henceforth fastened; I desired to be all in +all to her, that I might heal and fill her lacerated heart. + +Beautiful was that night beneath her windows, amid the murmur of +waters rippling through the sluices, broken only by a voice that told +the hours from the clock-tower of Sache. During those hours of +darkness bathed in light, when this sidereal flower illumined my +existence, I betrothed to her my soul with the faith of the poor +Castilian knight whom we laugh at in the pages of Cervantes,--a faith, +nevertheless, with which all love begins. + +At the first gleam of day, the first note of the waking birds, I fled +back among the trees of Frapesle and reached the house; no one had +seen me, no one suspected by absence, and I slept soundly until the +bell rang for breakfast. When the meal was over I went down, in spite +of the heat, to the meadow-lands for another sight of the Indre and +its isles, the valley and its slopes, of which I seemed so passionate +an admirer. But once there, thanks to a swiftness of foot like that of +a loose horse, I returned to my punt, the willows, and Clochegourde. +All was silent and palpitating, as a landscape is at midday in summer. +The still foliage lay sharply defined on the blue of the sky; the +insects that live by light, the dragon-flies, the cantharides, were +flying among the reeds and the ash-trees; cattle chewed the cud in the +shade, the ruddy earth of the vineyards glowed, the adders glided up +and down the banks. What a change in the sparkling and coquettish +landscape while I slept! I sprang suddenly from the boat and ran up +the road which went round Clochegourde for I fancied that I saw the +count coming out. I was not mistaken; he was walking beside the hedge, +evidently making for a gate on the road to Azay which followed the +bank of the river. + +"How are you this morning, Monsieur le comte?" + +He looked at me pleasantly, not being used to hear himself thus +addressed. + +"Quite well," he answered. "You must love the country, to be rambling +about in this heat!" + +"I was sent here to live in the open air." + +"Then what do you say to coming with me to see them cut my rye?" + +"Gladly," I replied. "I'll own to you that my ignorance is past +belief; I don't know rye from wheat, nor a poplar from an aspen; I +know nothing of farming, nor of the various methods of cultivating the +soil." + +"Well, come and learn," he cried gaily, returning upon his steps. +"Come in by the little gate above." + +The count walked back along the hedge, he being within it and I +without. + +"You will learn nothing from Monsieur de Chessel," he remarked; "he is +altogether too fine a gentleman to do more than receive the reports of +his bailiff." + +The count then showed me his yards and the farm buildings, the +pleasure-grounds, orchards, vineyards, and kitchen garden, until we +finally came to the long alley of acacias and ailanthus beside the +river, at the end of which I saw Madame de Mortsauf sitting on a +bench, with her children. A woman is very lovely under the light and +quivering shade of such foliage. Surprised, perhaps, at my prompt +visit, she did not move, knowing very well that we should go to her. +The count made me admire the view of the valley, which at this point +is totally different from that seen from the heights above. Here I +might have thought myself in a corner of Switzerland. The meadows, +furrowed with little brooks which flow into the Indre, can be seen to +their full extent till lost in the misty distance. Towards Montbazon +the eye ranges over a vast green plain; in all other directions it is +stopped by hills, by masses of trees, and rocks. We quickened our +steps as we approached Madame de Mortsauf, who suddenly dropped the +book in which Madeleine was reading to her and took Jacques upon her +knees, in the paroxysms of a violent cough. + +"What's the matter?" cried the count, turning livid. + +"A sore throat," answered the mother, who seemed not to see me; "but +it is nothing serious." + +She was holding the child by the head and body, and her eyes seemed to +shed two rays of life into the poor frail creature. + +"You are so extraordinarily imprudent," said the count, sharply; "you +expose him to the river damps and let him sit on a stone bench." + +"Why, papa, the stone is burning hot," cried Madeleine. + +"They were suffocating higher up," said the countess. + +"Women always want to prove they are right," said the count, turning +to me. + +To avoid agreeing or disagreeing with him by word or look I watched +Jacques, who complained of his throat. His mother carried him away, +but as she did so she heard her husband say:-- + +"When they have brought such sickly children into the world they ought +to learn how to take care of them." + +Words that were cruelly unjust; but his self-love drove him to defend +himself at the expense of his wife. The countess hurried up the steps +and across the portico, and I saw her disappear through the glass +door. Monsieur de Mortsauf seated himself on the bench, his head bowed +in gloomy silence. My position became annoying; he neither spoke nor +looked at me. Farewell to the walk he had proposed, in the course of +which I had hoped to fathom him. I hardly remember a more unpleasant +moment. Ought I to go away, or should I not go? How many painful +thoughts must have arisen in his mind, to make him forget to follow +Jacques and learn how he was! At last however he rose abruptly and +came towards me. We both turned and looked at the smiling valley. + +"We will put off our walk to another day, Monsieur le comte," I said +gently. + +"No, let us go," he replied. "Unfortunately, I am accustomed to such +scenes--I, who would give my life without the slightest regret to save +that of the child." + +"Jacques is better, my dear; he has gone to sleep," said a golden +voice. Madame de Mortsauf suddenly appeared at the end of the path. +She came forward, without bitterness or ill-will, and bowed to me. + +"I am glad to see that you like Clochegourde," she said. + +"My dear, should you like me to ride over and fetch Monsieur +Deslandes?" said the count, as if wishing her to forgive his +injustice. + +"Don't be worried," she said. "Jacques did not sleep last night, +that's all. The child is very nervous; he had a bad dream, and I told +him stories all night to keep him quiet. His cough is purely nervous; +I have stilled it with a lozenge, and he has gone to sleep." + +"Poor woman!" said her husband, taking her hand in his and giving her +a tearful look, "I knew nothing of it." + +"Why should you be troubled when there is no occasion?" she replied. +"Now go and attend to the rye. You know if you are not there the men +will let the gleaners of the other villages get into the field before +the sheaves are carried away." + +"I am going to take a first lesson in agriculture, madame," I said to +her. + +"You have a very good master," she replied, motioning towards the +count, whose mouth screwed itself into that smile of satisfaction +which is vulgarly termed a "bouche en coeur." + +Two months later I learned she had passed that night in great anxiety, +fearing that her son had the croup; while I was in the boat, rocked by +thoughts of love, imagined that she might see me from her window +adoring the gleam of the candle which was then lighting a forehead +furrowed by fears! The croup prevailed at Tours, and was often fatal. +When we were outside the gate, the count said in a voice of emotion, +"Madame de Mortsauf is an angel!" The words staggered me. As yet I +knew but little of the family, and the natural conscience of a young +soul made me exclaim inwardly: "What right have I to trouble this +perfect peace?" + +Glad to find a listener in a young man over whom he could lord it so +easily, the count talked to me of the future which the return of the +Bourbons would secure to France. We had a desultory conversation, in +which I listened to much childish nonsense which positively amazed me. +He was ignorant of facts susceptible of proof that might be called +geometric; he feared persons of education; he rejected superiority, +and scoffed, perhaps with some reason, at progress. I discovered in +his nature a number of sensitive fibres which it required the utmost +caution not to wound; so that a conversation with him of any length +was a positive strain upon the mind. When I had, as it were, felt of +his defects, I conformed to them with the same suppleness that his +wife showed in soothing him. Later in life I should certainly have +made him angry, but now, humble as a child, supposing that I knew +nothing and believing that men in their prime knew all, I was +genuinely amazed at the results obtained at Clochegourde by this +patient agriculturist. I listened admiringly to his plans; and with an +involuntary flattery which won his good-will, I envied him the estate +and its outlook--a terrestrial paradise, I called it, far superior to +Frapesle. + +"Frapesle," I said, "is a massive piece of plate, but Clochegourde is +a jewel-case of gems,"--a speech which he often quoted, giving credit +to its author. + +"Before we came here," he said, "it was desolation itself." + +I was all ears when he told of his seed-fields and nurseries. New to +country life, I besieged him with questions about prices, means of +preparing and working the soil, etc., and he seemed glad to answer all +in detail. + +"What in the world do they teach you in your colleges?" he exclaimed +at last in astonishment. + +On this first day the count said to his wife when he reached home, +"Monsieur Felix is a charming young man." + +That evening I wrote to my mother and asked her to send my clothes and +linen, saying that I should remain at Frapesle. Ignorant of the great +revolution which was just taking place, and not perceiving the +influence it was to have upon my fate, I expected to return to Paris +to resume my legal studies. The Law School did not open till the first +week in November; meantime I had two months and a half before me. + +The first part of my stay, while I studied to understand the count, +was a period of painful impressions to me. I found him a man of +extreme irascibility without adequate cause; hasty in action in +hazardous cases to a degree that alarmed me. Sometimes he showed +glimpses of the brave gentleman of Conde's army, parabolic flashes of +will such as may, in times of emergency, tear through politics like +bomb-shells, and may also, by virtue of honesty and courage, make a +man condemned to live buried on his property an Elbee, a Bonchamp, or +a Charette. In presence of certain ideas his nostril contracted, his +forehead cleared, and his eyes shot lightnings, which were soon +quenched. Sometimes I feared he might detect the language of my eyes +and kill me. I was young then and merely tender. Will, that force that +alters men so strangely, had scarcely dawned within me. My passionate +desires shook me with an emotion that was like the throes of fear. +Death I feared not, but I would not die until I knew the happiness of +mutual love--But how tell of what I felt! I was a prey to perplexity; +I hoped for some fortunate chance; I watched; I made the children love +me; I tried to identify myself with the family. + +Little by little the count restrained himself less in my presence. I +came to know his sudden outbreaks of temper, his deep and ceaseless +melancholy, his flashes of brutality, his bitter, cutting complaints, +his cold hatreds, his impulses of latent madness, his childish moans, +his cries of a man's despair, his unexpected fury. The moral nature +differs from the physical nature inasmuch as nothing is absolute in +it. The force of effects is in direct proportion to the characters or +the ideas which are grouped around some fact. My position at +Clochegourde, my future life, depended on this one eccentric will. + +I cannot describe to you the distress that filled my soul (as quick in +those days to expand as to contract), whenever I entered Clochegourde, +and asked myself, "How will he receive me?" With what anxiety of heart +I saw the clouds collecting on that stormy brow. I lived in a +perpetual "qui-vive." I fell under the dominion of that man; and the +sufferings I endured taught me to understand those of Madame de +Mortsauf. We began by exchanging looks of comprehension; tried by the +same fire, how many discoveries I made during those first forty days! +--of actual bitterness, of tacit joys, of hopes alternately submerged +and buoyant. One evening I found her pensively watching a sunset which +reddened the summits with so ravishing a glow that it was impossible +not to listen to that voice of the eternal Song of Songs by which +Nature herself bids all her creatures love. Did the lost illusions of +her girlhood return to her? Did the woman suffer from an inward +comparison? I fancied I perceived a desolation in her attitude that +was favorable to my first appeal, and I said, "Some days are hard to +bear." + +"You read my soul," she answered; "but how have you done so?" + +"We touch at many points," I replied. "Surely we belong to the small +number of human beings born to the highest joys and the deepest +sorrows; whose feeling qualities vibrate in unison and echo each other +inwardly; whose sensitive natures are in harmony with the principle of +things. Put such beings among surroundings where all is discord and +they suffer horribly, just as their happiness mounts to exaltation +when they meet ideas, or feelings, or other beings who are congenial +to them. But there is still a third condition, where sorrows are known +only to souls affected by the same distress; in this alone is the +highest fraternal comprehension. It may happen that such souls find no +outlet either for good or evil. Then the organ within us endowed with +expression and motion is exercised in a void, expends its passion +without an object, utters sounds without melody, and cries that are +lost in solitude,--terrible defeat of a soul which revolts against the +inutility of nothingness. These are struggles in which our strength +oozes away without restraint, as blood from an inward wound. The +sensibilities flow to waste and the result is a horrible weakening of +the soul; an indescribable melancholy for which the confessional +itself has no ears. Have I not expressed our mutual sufferings?" + +She shuddered, and then without removing her eyes from the setting +sun, she said, "How is it that, young as you are, you know these +things? Were you once a woman?" + +"Ah!" I replied, "my childhood was like a long illness--" + +"I hear Madeleine coughing," she cried, leaving me abruptly. + +The countess showed no displeasure at my constant visits, and for two +reasons. In the first place she was pure as a child, and her thoughts +wandered into no forbidden regions; in the next I amused the count and +made a sop for that lion without claws or mane. I found an excuse for +my visits which seemed plausible to every one. Monsieur de Mortsauf +proposed to teach me backgammon, and I accepted; as I did so the +countess was betrayed into a look of compassion, which seemed to say, +"You are flinging yourself into the jaws of the lion." If I did not +understand this at the time, three days had not passed before I knew +what I had undertaken. My patience, which nothing exhausts, the fruit +of my miserable childhood, ripened under this last trial. The count +was delighted when he could jeer at me for not putting in practice the +principles or the rules he had explained; if I reflected before I +played he complained of my slowness; if I played fast he was angry +because I hurried him; if I forgot to mark my points he declared, +making his profit out of the mistake, that I was always too rapid. It +was like the tyranny of a schoolmaster, the despotism of the rod, of +which I can really give you no idea unless I compare myself to +Epictetus under the yoke of a malicious child. When we played for +money his winnings gave him the meanest and most abject delight. + +A word from his wife was enough to console me, and it frequently +recalled him to a sense of politeness and good-breeding. But before +long I fell into the furnace of an unexpected misery. My money was +disappearing under these losses. Though the count was always present +during my visits until I left the house, which was sometimes very +late, I cherished the hope of finding some moment when I might say a +word that would reach my idol's heart; but to obtain that moment, for +which I watched and waited with a hunter's painful patience, I was +forced to continue these weary games, during which my feelings were +lacerated and my money lost. Still, there were moments when we were +silent, she and I, looking at the sunlight on the meadows, the clouds +in a gray sky, the misty hills, or the quivering of the moon on the +sandbanks of the river; saying only, "Night is beautiful!" + +"Night is woman, madame." + +"What tranquillity!" + +"Yes, no one can be absolutely wretched here." + +Then she would return to her embroidery frame. I came at last to hear +the inward beatings of an affection which sought its object. But the +fact remained--without money, farewell to these evenings. I wrote to +my mother to send me some. She scolded me and sent only enough to last +a week. Where could I get more? My life depended on it. Thus it +happened that in the dawn of my first great happiness I found the same +sufferings that assailed me elsewhere; but in Paris, at college, at +school I evaded them by abstinence; there my privations were negative, +at Frapesle they were active; so active that I was possessed by the +impulse to theft, by visions of crime, furious desperations which rend +the soul and must be subdued under pain of losing our self-respect. +The memory of what I suffered through my mother's parsimony taught me +that indulgence for young men which one who has stood upon the brink +of the abyss and measured its depths, without falling into them, must +inevitably feel. Though my own rectitude was strengthened by those +moments when life opened and let me see the rocks and quicksands +beneath the surface, I have never known that terrible thing called +human justice draw its blade through the throat of a criminal without +saying to myself: "Penal laws are made by men who have never known +misery." + +At this crisis I happened to find a treatise on backgammon in Monsieur +de Chessel's library, and I studied it. My host was kind enough to +give me a few lessons; less harshly taught by the count I made good +progress and applied the rules and calculations I knew by heart. +Within a few days I was able to beat Monsieur de Mortsauf; but no +sooner had I done so and won his money for the first time than his +temper became intolerable; his eyes glittered like those of tigers, +his face shrivelled, his brows knit as I never saw brows knit before +or since. His complainings were those of a fretful child. Sometimes he +flung down the dice, quivered with rage, bit the dice-box, and said +insulting things to me. Such violence, however, came to an end. When I +had acquired enough mastery of the game I played it to suit me; I so +managed that we were nearly equal up to the last moment; I allowed him +to win the first half and made matters even during the last half. The +end of the world would have surprised him less than the rapid +superiority of his pupil; but he never admitted it. The unvarying +result of our games was a topic of discourse on which he fastened. + +"My poor head," he would say, "is fatigued; you manage to win the last +of the game because by that time I lose my skill." + +The countess, who knew backgammon, understood my manoeuvres from the +first, and gave me those mute thanks which swell the heart of a young +man; she granted me the same look she gave to her children. From that +ever-blessed evening she always looked at me when she spoke. I cannot +explain to you the condition I was in when I left her. My soul had +annihilated my body; it weighed nothing; I did not walk, I flew. That +look I carried within me; it bathed me with light just as her last +words, "Adieu, monsieur," still sounded in my soul with the harmonies +of "O filii, o filioe" in the paschal choir. I was born into a new +life, I was something to her! I slept on purple and fine linen. Flames +darted before my closed eyelids, chasing each other in the darkness +like threads of fire in the ashes of burned paper. In my dreams her +voice became, though I cannot describe it, palpable, an atmosphere of +light and fragrance wrapping me, a melody enfolding my spirit. On the +morrow her greeting expressed the fulness of feelings that remained +unuttered, and from that moment I was initiated into the secrets of +her voice. + +That day was to be one of the most decisive of my life. After dinner +we walked on the heights across a barren plain where no herbage grew; +the ground was stony, arid, and without vegetable soil of any kind; +nevertheless a few scrub oaks and thorny bushes straggled there, and +in place of grass, a carpet of crimped mosses, illuminated by the +setting sun and so dry that our feet slipped upon it. I held Madeleine +by the hand to keep her up. Madame de Mortsauf was leading Jacques. +The count, who was in front, suddenly turned round and striking the +earth with his cane said to me in a dreadful tone: "Such is my life! +--but before I knew you," he added with a look of penitence at his +wife. The reparation was tardy, for the countess had turned pale; what +woman would not have staggered as she did under the blow? + +"But what delightful scenes are wafted here, and what a view of the +sunset!" I cried. "For my part I should like to own this barren moor; +I fancy there may be treasures if we dig for them. But its greatest +wealth is that of being near you. Who would not pay a great cost for +such a view?--all harmony to the eye, with that winding river where +the soul may bathe among the ash-trees and the alders. See the +difference of taste! To you this spot of earth is a barren waste; to +me, it is paradise." + +She thanked me with a look. + +"Bucolics!" exclaimed the count, with a bitter look. "This is no life +for a man who bears your name." Then he suddenly changed his tone +--"The bells!" he cried, "don't you hear the bells of Azay? I hear +them ringing." + +Madame de Mortsauf gave me a frightened look. Madeleine clung to my +hand. + +"Suppose we play a game of backgammon?" I said. "Let us go back; the +rattle of the dice will drown the sound of the bells." + +We returned to Clochegourde, conversing by fits and starts. Once in +the salon an indefinable uncertainty and dread took possession of us. +The count flung himself into an armchair, absorbed in reverie, which +his wife, who knew the symptoms of his malady and could foresee an +outbreak, was careful not to interrupt. I also kept silence. As she +gave me no hint to leave, perhaps she thought backgammon might divert +the count's mind and quiet those fatal nervous susceptibilities, the +excitements of which were killing him. Nothing was ever harder than to +make him play that game, which, however, he had a great desire to +play. Like a pretty woman, he always required to be coaxed, entreated, +forced, so that he might not seem the obliged person. If by chance, +being interested in the conversation, I forgot to propose it, he grew +sulky, bitter, insulting, and spoiled the talk by contradicting +everything. If, warned by his ill-humor, I suggested a game, he would +dally and demur. "In the first place, it is too late," he would say; +"besides, I don't care for it." Then followed a series of affectations +like those of women, which often leave you in ignorance of their real +wishes. + +On this occasion I pretended a wild gaiety to induce him to play. He +complained of giddiness which hindered him from calculating; his +brain, he said, was squeezed into a vice; he heard noises, he was +choking; and thereupon he sighed heavily. At last, however, he +consented to the game. Madame de Mortsauf left us to put the children +to bed and lead the household in family prayers. All went well during +her absence; I allowed Monsieur de Mortsauf to win, and his delight +seemed to put him beside himself. This sudden change from a gloom that +led him to make the darkest predictions to the wild joy of a drunken +man, expressed in a crazy laugh and without any adequate motive, +distressed and alarmed me. I had never seen him in quite so marked a +paroxysm. Our intimacy had borne fruits in the fact that he no longer +restrained himself before me. Day by day he had endeavored to bring me +under his tyranny, and obtain fresh food, as it were, for his evil +temper; for it really seems as though moral diseases were creatures +with appetites and instincts, seeking to enlarge the boundaries of +their empire as a landowner seeks to increase his domain. + +Presently the countess came down, and sat close to the backgammon +table, apparently for better light on her embroidery, though the +anxiety which led her to place her frame was ill-concealed. A piece of +fatal ill-luck which I could not prevent changed the count's face; +from gaiety it fell to gloom, from purple it became yellow, and his +eyes rolled. Then followed worse ill-luck, which I could neither avert +nor repair. Monsieur de Mortsauf made a fatal throw which decided the +game. Instantly he sprang up, flung the table at me and the lamp on +the floor, struck the chimney-piece with his fist and jumped, for I +cannot say he walked, about the room. The torrent of insults, +imprecations, and incoherent words which rushed from his lips would +have made an observer think of the old tales of satanic possession in +the Middle Ages. Imagine my position! + +"Go into the garden," said the countess, pressing my hand. + +I left the room before the count could notice my disappearance. On the +terrace, where I slowly walked about, I heard his shouts and then his +moans from the bedroom which adjoined the dining-room. Also I heard at +intervals through that tempest of sound the voice of an angel, which +rose like the song of a nightingale as the rain ceases. I walked about +under the acacias in the loveliest night of the month of August, +waiting for the countess to join me. I knew she would come; her +gesture promised it. For several days an explanation seemed to float +between us; a word would suffice to send it gushing from the spring, +overfull, in our souls. What timidity had thus far delayed a perfect +understanding between us? Perhaps she loved, as I did, these +quiverings of the spirit which resembled emotions of fear and numbed +the sensibilities while we held our life unuttered within us, +hesitating to unveil its secrets with the modesty of the young girl +before the husband she loves. An hour passed. I was sitting on the +brick balustrade when the sound of her footsteps blending with the +undulating ripple of her flowing gown stirred the calm air of the +night. These are sensations to which the heart suffices not. + +"Monsieur de Mortsauf is sleeping," she said. "When he is thus I give +him an infusion of poppies, a cup of water in which a few poppies have +been steeped; the attacks are so infrequent that this simple remedy +never loses its effect--Monsieur," she continued, changing her tone +and using the most persuasive inflexion of her voice, "this most +unfortunate accident has revealed to you a secret which has hitherto +been sedulously kept; promise me to bury the recollection of that +scene. Do this for my sake, I beg of you. I don't ask you to swear it; +give me your word of honor and I shall be content." + +"Need I give it to you?" I said. "Do we not understand each other?" + +"You must not judge unfavorably of Monsieur de Mortsauf; you see the +effects of his many sufferings under the emigration," she went on. +"To-morrow he will entirely forget all that he has said and done; you +will find him kind and excellent as ever." + +"Do not seek to excuse him, madame," I replied. "I will do all you +wish. I would fling myself into the Indre at this moment if I could +restore Monsieur de Mortsauf's health and ensure you a happy life. The +only thing I cannot change is my opinion. I can give you my life, but +not my convictions; I can pay no heed to what he says, but can I +hinder him from saying it? No, in my opinion Monsieur de Mortsauf +is--" + +"I understand you," she said, hastily interrupting me; "you are right. +The count is as nervous as a fashionable woman," she added, as if to +conceal the idea of madness by softening the word. "But he is only so +at intervals, once a year, when the weather is very hot. Ah, what +evils have resulted from the emigration! How many fine lives ruined! +He would have been, I am sure of it, a great soldier, an honor to his +country--" + +"I know," I said, interrupting in my turn to let her see that it was +useless to attempt to deceive me. + +She stopped, laid one hand lightly on my brow, and looked at me. "Who +has sent you here," she said, "into this home? Has God sent me help, a +true friendship to support me?" She paused, then added, as she laid +her hand firmly upon mine, "For you are good and generous--" She +raised her eyes to heaven, as if to invoke some invisible testimony to +confirm her thought, and then let them rest upon me. Electrified by +the look, which cast a soul into my soul, I was guilty, judging by +social laws, of a want of tact, though in certain natures such +indelicacy really means a brave desire to meet danger, to avert a +blow, to arrest an evil before it happens; oftener still, an abrupt +call upon a heart, a blow given to learn if it resounds in unison with +ours. Many thoughts rose like gleams within my mind and bade me wash +out the stain that blotted my conscience at this moment when I was +seeking a complete understanding. + +"Before we say more," I said in a voice shaken by the throbbings of my +heart, which could be heard in the deep silence that surrounded us, +"suffer me to purify one memory of the past." + +"Hush!" she said quickly, touching my lips with a finger which she +instantly removed. She looked at me haughtily, with the glance of a +woman who knows herself too exalted for insult to reach her. "Be +silent; I know of what you are about to speak,--the first, the last, +the only outrage ever offered to me. Never speak to me of that ball. +If as a Christian I have forgiven you, as a woman I still suffer from +your act." + +"You are more pitiless than God himself," I said, forcing back the +tears that came into my eyes. + +"I ought to be so, I am more feeble," she replied. + +"But," I continued with the persistence of a child, "listen to me now +if only for the first, the last, the only time in your life." + +"Speak, then," she said; "speak, or you will think I dare not hear +you." + +Feeling that this was the turning moment of our lives, I spoke to her +in the tone that commands attention; I told her that all women whom I +had ever seen were nothing to me; but when I met her, I, whose life +was studious, whose nature was not bold, I had been, as it were, +possessed by a frenzy that no one who once felt it could condemn; that +never heart of man had been so filled with the passion which no being +can resist, which conquers all things, even death-- + +"And contempt?" she asked, stopping me. + +"Did you despise me?" I exclaimed. + +"Let us say no more on this subject," she replied. + +"No, let me say all!" I replied, in the excitement of my intolerable +pain. "It concerns my life, my whole being, my inward self; it +contains a secret you must know or I must die in despair. It also +concerns you, who, unawares, are the lady in whose hand is the crown +promised to the victor in the tournament!" + +Then I related to her my childhood and youth, not as I have told it to +you, judged from a distance, but in the language of a young man whose +wounds are still bleeding. My voice was like the axe of a woodsman in +the forest. At every word the dead years fell with echoing sound, +bristling with their anguish like branches robbed of their foliage. I +described to her in feverish language many cruel details which I have +here spared you. I spread before her the treasure of my radiant hopes, +the virgin gold of my desires, the whole of a burning heart kept alive +beneath the snow of these Alps, piled higher and higher by perpetual +winter. When, bowed down by the weight of these remembered sufferings, +related as with the live coal of Isaiah, I awaited the reply of the +woman who listened with a bowed head, she illumined the darkness with +a look, she quickened the worlds terrestrial and divine with a single +sentence. + +"We have had the same childhood!" she said, turning to me a face on +which the halo of the martyrs shone. + +After a pause, in which our souls were wedded in the one consoling +thought, "I am not alone in suffering," the countess told me, in the +voice she kept for her little ones, how unwelcome she was as a girl +when sons were wanted. She showed me how her troubles as a daughter +bound to her mother's side differed from those of a boy cast out upon +the world of school and college life. My desolate neglect seemed to me +a paradise compared to that contact with a millstone under which her +soul was ground until the day when her good aunt, her true mother, had +saved her from this misery, the ever-recurring pain of which she now +related to me; misery caused sometimes by incessant faultfinding, +always intolerable to high-strung natures which do not shrink before +death itself but die beneath the sword of Damocles; sometimes by the +crushing of generous impulses beneath an icy hand, by the cold +rebuffal of her kisses, by a stern command of silence, first imposed +and then as often blamed; by inward tears that dared not flow but +stayed within the heart; in short, by all the bitterness and tyranny +of convent rule, hidden to the eyes of the world under the appearance +of an exalted motherly devotion. She gratified her mother's vanity +before strangers, but she dearly paid in private for this homage. +When, believing that by obedience and gentleness she had softened her +mother's heart, she opened hers, the tyrant only armed herself with +the girl's confidence. No spy was ever more traitorous and base. All +the pleasures of girlhood, even her fete days, were dearly purchased, +for she was scolded for her gaiety as much as for her faults. No +teaching and no training for her position had been given in love, +always with sarcastic irony. She was not angry against her mother; in +fact she blamed herself for feeling more terror than love for her. +"Perhaps," she said, dear angel, "these severities were needful; they +had certainly prepared her for her present life." As I listened it +seemed to me that the harp of Job, from which I had drawn such savage +sounds, now touched by the Christian fingers gave forth the litanies +of the Virgin at the foot of the cross. + +"We lived in the same sphere before we met in this," I said; "you +coming from the east, I from the west." + +She shook her head with a gesture of despair. + +"To you the east, to me the west," she replied. "You will live happy, +I must die of pain. Life is what we make of it, and mine is made +forever. No power can break the heavy chain to which a woman is +fastened by this ring of gold--the emblem of a wife's purity." + +We knew we were twins of one womb; she never dreamed of a +half-confidence between brothers of the same blood. After a short sigh, +natural to pure hearts when they first open to each other, she told me +of her first married life, her deceptions and disillusions, the +rebirth of her childhood's misery. Like me, she had suffered under +trifles; mighty to souls whose limpid substance quivers to the least +shock, as a lake quivers on the surface and to its utmost depths when +a stone is flung into it. When she married she possessed some girlish +savings; a little gold, the fruit of happy hours and repressed +fancies. These, in a moment when they were needed, she gave to her +husband, not telling him they were gifts and savings of her own. He +took no account of them, and never regarded himself her debtor. She +did not even obtain the glance of thanks that would have paid for all. +Ah! how she went from trial to trial! Monsieur de Mortsauf habitually +neglected to give her money for the household. When, after a struggle +with her timidity, she asked him for it, he seemed surprised and never +once spared her the mortification of petitioning for necessities. What +terror filled her mind when the real nature of the ruined man's +disease was revealed to her, and she quailed under the first outbreak +of his mad anger! What bitter reflections she had made before she +brought herself to admit that her husband was a wreck! What horrible +calamities had come of her bearing children! What anguish she felt at +the sight of those infants born almost dead! With what courage had she +said in her heart: "I will breathe the breath of life into them; I +will bear them anew day by day!" Then conceive the bitterness of +finding her greatest obstacle in the heart and hand from which a wife +should draw her greatest succor! She saw the untold disaster that +threatened him. As each difficulty was conquered, new deserts opened +before her, until the day when she thoroughly understood her husband's +condition, the constitution of her children, and the character of the +neighborhood in which she lived; a day when (like the child taken by +Napoleon from a tender home) she taught her feet to trample through +mud and snow, she trained her nerves to bullets and all her being to +the passive obedience of a soldier. + +These things, of which I here make a summary, she told me in all their +dark extent, with every piteous detail of conjugal battles lost and +fruitless struggles. + +"You would have to live here many months," she said, in conclusion, +"to understand what difficulties I have met with in improving +Clochegourde; what persuasions I have had to use to make him do a +thing which was most important to his interests. You cannot imagine +the childish glee he has shown when anything that I advised was not at +once successful. All that turned out well he claimed for himself. Yes, +I need an infinite patience to bear his complaints when I am +half-exhausted in the effort to amuse his weary hours, to sweeten his +life and smooth the paths which he himself has strewn with stones. The +reward he gives me is that awful cry: 'Let me die, life is a burden to +me!' When visitors are here and he enjoys them, he forgets his gloom +and is courteous and polite. You ask me why he cannot be so to his +family. I cannot explain that want of loyalty in a man who is truly +chivalrous. He is quite capable of riding at full speed to Paris to +buy me a set of ornaments, as he did the other day before the ball. +Miserly in his household, he would be lavish upon me if I wished it. I +would it were reversed; I need nothing for myself, but the wants of +the household are many. In my strong desire to make him happy, and not +reflecting that I might be a mother, I began my married life by +letting him treat me as a victim, I, who at that time by using a few +caresses could have led him like a child--but I was unable to play a +part I should have thought disgraceful. Now, however, the welfare of +my family requires me to be as calm and stern as the figure of Justice +--and yet, I too have a heart that overflows with tenderness." + +"But why," I said, "do you not use this great influence to master him +and govern him?" + +"If it concerned myself only I should not attempt either to overcome +the dogged silence with which for days together he meets my arguments, +nor to answer his irrational remarks, his childish reasons. I have no +courage against weakness, any more than I have against childhood; they +may strike me as they will, I cannot resist. Perhaps I might meet +strength with strength, but I am powerless against those I pity. If I +were required to coerce Madeleine in some matter that would save her +life, I should die with her. Pity relaxes all my fibres and unstrings +my nerves. So it is that the violent shocks of the last ten years have +broken me down; my feelings, so often battered, are numb at times; +nothing can revive them; even the courage with which I once faced my +troubles begins to fail me. Yes, sometimes I am beaten. For want of +rest--I mean repose--and sea-baths by which to recover my nervous +strength, I shall perish. Monsieur de Mortsauf will have killed me, +and he will die of my death." + +"Why not leave Clochegourde for a few months? Surely you could take +your children and go to the seashore." + +"In the first place, Monsieur de Mortsauf would think he were lost if +I left him. Though he will not admit his condition he is well aware of +it. He is both sane and mad, two natures in one man, a contradiction +which explains many an irrational action. Besides this, he would have +good reason for objecting. Nothing would go right here if I were +absent. You may have seen in me the mother of a family watchful to +protect her young from the hawk that is hovering over them; a weighty +task, indeed, but harder still are the cares imposed upon me by +Monsieur de Mortsauf, whose constant cry, as he follows me about is, +'Where is Madame?' I am Jacques' tutor and Madeleine's governess; but +that is not all, I am bailiff and steward too. You will understand +what that means when you come to see, as you will, that the working of +an estate in these parts is the most fatiguing of all employments. We +get small returns in money; the farms are cultivated on shares, a +system which needs the closest supervision. We are obliged ourselves +to sell our own produce, our cattle and harvests of all kinds. Our +competitors in the markets are our own farmers, who meet consumers in +the wine-shops and determine prices by selling first. I should weary +you if I explained the many difficulties of agriculture in this +region. No matter what care I give to it, I cannot always prevent our +tenants from putting our manure upon their ground, I cannot be ever on +the watch lest they take advantage of us in the division of the crops; +neither can I always know the exact moment when sales should be made. +So, if you think of Monsieur de Mortsauf's defective memory, and the +difficulty you have seen me have in persuading him to attend to +business, you can understand the burden that is on my shoulders, and +the impossibility of my laying it down for a single day. If I were +absent we should be ruined. No one would obey Monsieur de Mortsauf. In +the first place his orders are conflicting; then no one likes him; he +finds incessant fault, and he is very domineering. Moreover, like all +men of feeble mind, he listens too readily to his inferiors. If I left +the house not a servant would be in it in a week's time. So you see I +am attached to Clochegourde as those leaden finals are to our roof. I +have no reserves with you. The whole country-side is still ignorant of +the secrets of this house, but you know them, you have seen them. Say +nothing but what is kind and friendly, and you shall have my esteem +--my gratitude," she added in a softer voice. "On those terms you are +welcome at Clochegourde, where you will find friends." + +"Ah!" I exclaimed, "I see that I have never really suffered, while +you--" + +"No, no!" she exclaimed, with a smile, that smile of all resigned +women which might melt a granite rock. "Do not be astonished at my +frank confidence; it shows you life as it is, not as your imagination +pictures it. We all have our defects and our good qualities. If I had +married a spendthrift he would have ruined me. If I had given myself +to an ardent and pleasure-loving young man, perhaps I could not have +retained him; he might have left me, and I should have died of +jealousy. For I am jealous!" she said, in a tone of excitement, which +was like the thunderclap of a passing storm. "But Monsieur de Mortsauf +loves me as much as he is capable of loving; all that his heart +contains of affection he pours at my feet, like the Magdalen's cup of +ointment. Believe me, a life of love is an exception to the laws of +this earth; all flowers fade; great joys and emotions have a morrow of +evil--if a morrow at all. Real life is a life of anguish; its image is +in that nettle growing there at the foot of the wall,--no sun can +reach it and it keeps green. Yet, here, as in parts of the North, +there are smiles in the sky, few to be sure, but they compensate for +many a grief. Moreover, women who are naturally mothers live and love +far more through sacrifices than through pleasures. Here I draw upon +myself the storms I fear may break upon my children or my people; and +in doing so I feel a something I cannot explain, which gives me secret +courage. The resignation of the night carries me through the day that +follows. God does not leave me comfortless. Time was when the +condition of my children filled me with despair; to-day as they +advance in life they grow healthier and stronger. And then, after all, +our home is improved and beautified, our means are improving also. Who +knows but Monsieur de Mortsauf's old age may be a blessing to me? Ah, +believe me! those who stand before the Great Judge with palms in their +hands, leading comforted to Him the beings who cursed their lives, +they, they have turned their sorrows into joy. If my sufferings bring +about the happiness of my family, are they sufferings at all?" + +"Yes," I said, "they are; but they were necessary, as mine have been, +to make us understand the true flavor of the fruit that has ripened on +our rocks. Now, surely, we shall taste it together; surely we may +admire its wonders, the sweetness of affection it has poured into our +souls, that inward sap which revives the searing leaves--Good God! do +you not understand me?" I cried, falling into the mystical language to +which our religious training had accustomed us. "See the paths by +which we have approached each other; what magnet led us through that +ocean of bitterness to these springs of running water, flowing at the +foot of those hills above the shining sands and between their green +and flowery meadows? Have we not followed the same star? We stand +before the cradle of a divine child whose joyous carol will renew the +world for us, teach us through happiness a love of life, give to our +nights their long-lost sleep, and to the days their gladness. What +hand is this that year by year has tied new cords between us? Are we +not more than brother and sister? That which heaven has joined we must +not keep asunder. The sufferings you reveal are the seeds scattered by +the sower for the harvest already ripening in the sunshine. Shall we +not gather it sheaf by sheaf? What strength is in me that I dare +address you thus! Answer, or I will never again recross that river!" + +"You have spared me the word _love_," she said, in a stern voice, "but +you have spoken of a sentiment of which I know nothing and which is +not permitted to me. You are a child; and again I pardon you, but for +the last time. Endeavor to understand, Monsieur, that my heart is, as +it were, intoxicated with motherhood. I love Monsieur de Mortsauf +neither from social duty nor from a calculated desire to win eternal +blessings, but from an irresistible feeling which fastens all the +fibres of my heart upon him. Was my marriage a mistake? My sympathy +for misfortune led to it. It is the part of women to heal the woes +caused by the march of events, to comfort those who rush into the +breach and return wounded. How shall I make you understand me? I have +felt a selfish pleasure in seeing that you amused him; is not that +pure motherhood? Did I not make you see by what I owned just now, the +_three_ children to whom I am bound, to whom I shall never fail, on whom +I strive to shed a healing dew and the light of my own soul without +withdrawing or adulterating a single particle? Do not embitter the +mother's milk! though as a wife I am invulnerable, you must never +again speak thus to me. If you do not respect this command, simple as +it is, the door of this house will be closed to you. I believed in +pure friendship, in a voluntary brotherhood, more real, I thought, +than the brotherhood of blood. I was mistaken. I wanted a friend who +was not a judge, a friend who would listen to me in those moments of +weakness when reproof is killing, a sacred friend from whom I should +have nothing to fear. Youth is noble, truthful, capable of sacrifice, +disinterested; seeing your persistency in coming to us, I believed, +yes, I will admit that I believed in some divine purpose; I thought I +should find a soul that would be mine, as the priest is the soul of +all; a heart in which to pour my troubles when they deluged mine, a +friend to hear my cries when if I continued to smother them they would +strangle me. Could I but have this friend, my life, so precious to +these children, might be prolonged until Jacques had grown to manhood. +But that is selfish! The Laura of Petrarch cannot be lived again. I +must die at my post, like a soldier, friendless. My confessor is +harsh, austere, and--my aunt is dead." + +Two large tears filled her eyes, gleamed in the moonlight, and rolled +down her cheeks; but I stretched my hand in time to catch them, and I +drank them with an avidity excited by her words, by the thought of +those ten years of secret woe, of wasted feelings, of constant care, +of ceaseless dread--years of the lofty heroism of her sex. She looked +at me with gentle stupefaction. + +"It is the first communion of love," I said. "Yes, I am now a sharer +of your sorrows. I am united to your soul as our souls are united to +Christ in the sacrament. To love, even without hope, is happiness. Ah! +what woman on earth could give me a joy equal to that of receiving +your tears! I accept the contract which must end in suffering to +myself. I give myself to you with no ulterior thought. I will be to +you that which you will me to be--" + +She stopped me with a motion of her hand, and said in her deep voice, +"I consent to this agreement if you will promise never to tighten the +bonds which bind us together." + +"Yes," I said; "but the less you grant the more evidence of possession +I ought to have." + +"You begin by distrusting me," she replied, with an expression of +melancholy doubt. + +"No, I speak from pure happiness. Listen; give me a name by which no +one calls you; a name to be ours only, like the feeling which unites +us." + +"That is much to ask," she said, "but I will show you that I am not +petty. Monsieur de Mortsauf calls me Blanche. One only person, the one +I have most loved, my dear aunt, called me Henriette. I will be +Henriette once more, to you." + +I took her hand and kissed it. She left it in mine with the +trustfulness that makes a woman so far superior to men; a trustfulness +that shames us. She was leaning on the brick balustrade and gazing at +the river. + +"Are you not unwise, my friend, to rush at a bound to the extremes of +friendship? You have drained the cup, offered in all sincerity, at a +draught. It is true that a real feeling is never piecemeal; it must be +whole, or it does not exist. Monsieur de Mortsauf," she added after a +short silence, "is above all things loyal and brave. Perhaps for my +sake you will forget what he said to you to-day; if he has forgotten +it to-morrow, I will myself tell him what occurred. Do not come to +Clochegourde for a few days; he will respect you more if you do not. +On Sunday, after church, he will go to you. I know him; he will wish +to undo the wrong he did, and he will like you all the better for +treating him as a man who is responsible for his words and actions." + +"Five days without seeing you, without hearing your voice!" + +"Do not put such warmth into your manner of speaking to me," she said. + +We walked twice round the terrace in silence. Then she said, in a tone +of command which proved to me that she had taken possession of my +soul, "It is late; we will part." + +I wished to kiss her hand; she hesitated, then gave it to me, and said +in a voice of entreaty: "Never take it unless I give it to you; leave +me my freedom; if not, I shall be simply a thing of yours, and that +ought not to be." + +"Adieu," I said. + +I went out by the little gate of the lower terrace, which she opened +for me. Just as she was about to close it she opened it again and +offered me her hand, saying: "You have been truly good to me this +evening; you have comforted my whole future; take it, my friend, take +it." + +I kissed her hand again and again, and when I raised my eyes I saw the +tears in hers. She returned to the upper terrace and I watched her for +a moment from the meadow. When I was on the road to Frapesle I again +saw her white robe shimmering in a moonbeam; then, a few moments +later, a light was in her bedroom. + +"Oh, my Henriette!" I cried, "to you I pledge the purest love that +ever shone upon this earth." + +I turned at every step as I regained Frapesle. Ineffable contentment +filled my mind. A way was open for the devotion that swells in all +youthful hearts and which in mine had been so long inert. Like the +priest who by one solemn step enters a new life, my vows were taken; I +was consecrated. A simple "Yes" had bound me to keep my love within my +soul and never to abuse our friendship by leading this woman step by +step to love. All noble feelings were awakened within me, and I heard +the murmur of their voices. Before confining myself within the narrow +walls of a room, I stopped beneath the azure heavens sown with stars, +I listened to the ring-dove plaints of my own heart, I heard again the +simple tones of that ingenuous confidence, I gathered in the air the +emanations of that soul which henceforth must ever seek me. How grand +that woman seemed to me, with her absolute forgetfulness of self, her +religion of mercy to wounded hearts, feeble or suffering, her declared +allegiance to her legal yoke. She was there, serene upon her pyre of +saint and martyr. I adored her face as it shone to me in the darkness. +Suddenly I fancied I perceived a meaning in her words, a mysterious +significance which made her to my eyes sublime. Perhaps she longed +that I should be to her what she was to the little world around her. +Perhaps she sought to draw from me her strength and consolation, +putting me thus within her sphere, her equal, or perhaps above her. +The stars, say some bold builders of the universe, communicate to each +other light and motion. This thought lifted me to ethereal regions. I +entered once more the heaven of my former visions; I found a meaning +for the miseries of my childhood in the illimitable happiness to which +they had led me. + +Spirits quenched by tears, hearts misunderstood, saintly Clarissa +Harlowes forgotten or ignored, children neglected, exiles innocent of +wrong, all ye who enter life through barren ways, on whom men's faces +everywhere look coldly, to whom ears close and hearts are shut, cease +your complaints! You alone can know the infinitude of joy held in that +moment when one heart opens to you, one ear listens, one look answers +yours. A single day effaces all past evil. Sorrow, despondency, +despair, and melancholy, passed but not forgotten, are links by which +the soul then fastens to its mate. Woman falls heir to all our past, +our sighs, our lost illusions, and gives them back to us ennobled; she +explains those former griefs as payment claimed by destiny for joys +eternal, which she brings to us on the day our souls are wedded. The +angels alone can utter the new name by which that sacred love is +called, and none but women, dear martyrs, truly know what Madame de +Mortsauf now became to me--to me, poor and desolate. + + + + CHAPTER II + + FIRST LOVE + +This scene took place on a Tuesday. I waited until Sunday and did not +cross the river. During those five days great events were happening at +Clochegourde. The count received his brevet as general of brigade, the +cross of Saint Louis, and a pension of four thousand francs. The Duc +de Lenoncourt-Givry, made peer of France, recovered possession of two +forests, resumed his place at court, and his wife regained all her +unsold property, which had been made part of the imperial crown lands. +The Comtesse de Mortsauf thus became an heiress. Her mother had +arrived at Clochegourde, bringing her a hundred thousand francs +economized at Givry, the amount of her dowry, still unpaid and never +asked for by the count in spite of his poverty. In all such matters of +external life the conduct of this man was proudly disinterested. +Adding to this sum his own few savings he was able to buy two +neighboring estates, which would yield him some nine thousand francs a +year. His son would of course succeed to the grandfather's peerage, +and the count now saw his way to entail the estate upon him without +injury to Madeleine, for whom the Duc de Lenoncourt would no doubt +assist in promoting a good marriage. + +These arrangements and this new happiness shed some balm upon the +count's sore mind. The presence of the Duchesse de Lenoncourt at +Clochegourde was a great event to the neighborhood. I reflected +gloomily that she was a great lady, and the thought made me conscious +of the spirit of caste in the daughter which the nobility of her +sentiments had hitherto hidden from me. Who was I--poor, +insignificant, and with no future but my courage and my faculties? I +did not then think of the consequences of the Restoration either for +me or for others. On Sunday morning, from the private chapel where I +sat with Monsieur and Madame de Chessel and the Abbe de Quelus, I cast +an eager glance at another lateral chapel occupied by the duchess and +her daughter, the count and his children. The large straw hat which +hid my idol from me did not tremble, and this unconsciousness of my +presence seemed to bind me to her more than all the past. This noble +Henriette de Lenoncourt, my Henriette, whose life I longed to garland, +was praying earnestly; faith gave to her figure an abandonment, a +prosternation, the attitude of some religious statue, which moved me +to the soul. + +According to village custom, vespers were said soon after mass. Coming +out of church Madame de Chessel naturally proposed to her neighbors to +pass the intermediate time at Frapesle instead of crossing the Indre +and the meadows twice in the great heat. The offer was accepted. +Monsieur de Chessel gave his arm to the duchess, Madame de Chessel +took that of the count. I offered mine to the countess, and felt, for +the first time, that beautiful arm against my side. As we walked from +the church to Frapesle by the woods of Sache, where the light, +filtering down through the foliage, made those pretty patterns on the +path which seem like painted silk, such sensations of pride, such +ideas took possession of me that my heart beat violently. + +"What is the matter?" she said, after walking a little way in a +silence I dared not break. "Your heart beats too fast--" + +"I have heard of your good fortune," I replied, "and, like all others +who love truly, I am beset with vague fears. Will your new dignities +change you and lessen your friendship?" + +"Change me!" she said; "oh, fie! Another such idea and I shall--not +despise you, but forget you forever." + +I looked at her with an ecstasy which should have been contagious. + +"We profit by the new laws which we have neither brought about nor +demanded," she said; "but we are neither place-hunters nor beggars; +besides, as you know very well, neither Monsieur de Mortsauf nor I can +leave Clochegourde. By my advice he has declined the command to which +his rank entitled him at the Maison Rouge. We are quite content that +my father should have the place. This forced modesty," she added with +some bitterness, "has already been of service to our son. The king, to +whose household my father is appointed, said very graciously that he +would show Jacques the favor we were not willing to accept. Jacques' +education, which must now be thought of, is already being discussed. +He will be the representative of two houses, the Lenoncourt and the +Mortsauf families. I can have no ambition except for him, and +therefore my anxieties seem to have increased. Not only must Jacques +live, but he must be made worthy of his name; two necessities which, +as you know, conflict. And then, later, what friend will keep him safe +for me in Paris, where all things are pitfalls for the soul and +dangers for the body? My friend," she said, in a broken voice, "who +could not see upon your brow and in your eyes that you are one who +will inhabit heights? Be some day the guardian and sponsor of our boy. +Go to Paris; if your father and brother will not second you, our +family, above all my mother, who has a genius for the management of +life, will help you. Profit by our influence; you will never be +without support in whatever career you choose; put the strength of +your desires into a noble ambition--" + +"I understand you," I said, interrupting her; "ambition is to be my +mistress. I have no need of that to be wholly yours. No, I will not be +rewarded for my obedience here by receiving favors there. I will go; I +will make my own way; I will rise alone. From you I would accept +everything, from others nothing." + +"Child!" she murmured, ill-concealing a smile of pleasure. + +"Besides, I have taken my vows," I went on. "Thinking over our +situation I am resolved to bind myself to you by ties that never can +be broken." + +She trembled slightly and stopped short to look at me. + +"What do you mean?" she asked, letting the couples who preceded us +walk on, and keeping the children at her side. + +"This," I said; "but first tell me frankly how you wish me to love +you." + +"Love me as my aunt loved me; I gave you her rights when I permitted +you to call me by the name which she chose for her own among my +others." + +"Then I am to love without hope and with an absolute devotion. Well, +yes; I will do for you what some men do for God. I shall feel that you +have asked it. I will enter a seminary and make myself a priest, and +then I will educate your son. Jacques shall be myself in his own form; +political conceptions, thoughts, energy, patience, I will give him +all. In that way I shall live near to you, and my love, enclosed in +religion as a silver image in a crystal shrine, can never be suspected +of evil. You will not have to fear the undisciplined passions which +grasp a man and by which already I have allowed myself to be +vanquished. I will consume my own being in the flame, and I will love +you with a purified love." + +She turned pale and said, hurrying her words: "Felix, do not put +yourself in bonds that might prove an obstacle to our happiness. I +should die of grief for having caused a suicide like that. Child, do +you think despairing love a life's vocation? Wait for life's trials +before you judge of life; I command it. Marry neither the Church nor a +woman; marry not at all,--I forbid it. Remain free. You are twenty-one +years old--My God! can I have mistaken him? I thought two months +sufficed to know some souls." + +"What hope have you?" I cried, with fire in my eyes. + +"My friend, accept our help, rise in life, make your way and your +fortune and you shall know my hope. And," she added, as if she were +whispering a secret, "never release the hand you are holding at this +moment." + +She bent to my ear as she said these words which proved her deep +solicitude for my future. + +"Madeleine!" I exclaimed "never!" + +We were close to a wooden gate which opened into the park of Frapesle; +I still seem to see its ruined posts overgrown with climbing plants +and briers and mosses. Suddenly an idea, that of the count's death, +flashed through my brain, and I said, "I understand you." + +"I am glad of it," she answered in a tone which made me know I had +supposed her capable of a thought that could never be hers. + +Her purity drew tears of admiration from my eyes which the selfishness +of passion made bitter indeed. My mind reacted and I felt that she did +not love me enough even to wish for liberty. So long as love recoils +from a crime it seems to have its limits, and love should be infinite. +A spasm shook my heart. + +"She does not love me," I thought. + +To hide what was in my soul I stooped over Madeleine and kissed her +hair. + +"I am afraid of your mother," I said to the countess presently, to +renew the conversation. + +"So am I," she answered with a gesture full of childlike gaiety. +"Don't forget to call her Madame la duchesse, and to speak to her in +the third person. The young people of the present day have lost these +polite manners; you must learn them; do that for my sake. Besides, it +is such good taste to respect women, no matter what their age may be, +and to recognize social distinctions without disputing them. The +respect shown to established superiority is guarantee for that which +is due to you. Solidarity is the basis of society. Cardinal Della +Rovere and Raffaelle were two powers equally revered. You have sucked +the milk of the Revolution in your academy and your political ideas +may be influenced by it; but as you advance in life you will find that +crude and ill-defined principles of liberty are powerless to create +the happiness of the people. Before considering, as a Lenoncourt, what +an aristocracy ought to be, my common-sense as a woman of the people +tells me that societies can exist only through a hierarchy. You are +now at a turning-point in your life, when you must choose wisely. Be +on our side,--especially now," she added, laughing, "when it +triumphs." + +I was keenly touched by these words, in which the depth of her +political feeling mingled with the warmth of affection,--a combination +which gives to women so great a power of persuasion; they know how to +give to the keenest arguments a tone of feeling. In her desire to +justify all her husband's actions Henriette had foreseen the +criticisms that would rise in my mind as soon as I saw the servile +effects of a courtier's life upon him. Monsieur de Mortsauf, king in +his own castle and surrounded by an historic halo, had, to my eyes, a +certain grandiose dignity. I was therefore greatly astonished at the +distance he placed between the duchess and himself by manners that +were nothing less than obsequious. A slave has his pride and will only +serve the greatest despots. I confess I was humiliated at the +degradation of one before whom I trembled as the power that ruled my +love. This inward repulsion made me understand the martyrdom of women +of generous souls yoked to men whose meannesses they bury daily. +Respect is a safeguard which protects both great and small alike; each +side can hold its own. I was respectful to the duchess because of my +youth; but where others saw only a duchess I saw the mother of my +Henriette, and that gave sanctity to my homage. + +We reached the great court-yard of Frapesle, where we found the +others. The Comte de Mortsauf presented me very gracefully to the +duchess, who examined me with a cold and reserved air. Madame de +Lenoncourt was then a woman fifty-six years of age, wonderfully well +preserved and with grand manners. When I saw the hard blue eyes, the +hollow temples, the thin emaciated face, the erect, imposing figure +slow of movement, and the yellow whiteness of the skin (reproduced +with such brilliancy in the daughter), I recognized the cold type to +which my own mother belonged, as quickly as a mineralogist recognizes +Swedish iron. Her language was that of the old court; she pronounced +the "oit" like "ait," and said "frait" for "froid," "porteux" for +"porteurs." I was not a courtier, neither was I stiff-backed in my +manner to her; in fact I behaved so well that as I passed the countess +she said in a low voice, "You are perfect." + +The count came to me and took my hand, saying: "You are not angry with +me, Felix, are you? If I was hasty you will pardon an old soldier? We +shall probably stay here to dinner, and I invite you to dine with us +on Thursday, the evening before the duchess leaves. I must go to Tours +to-morrow to settle some business. Don't neglect Clochegourde. My +mother-in-law is an acquaintance I advise you to cultivate. Her salon +will set the tone for the faubourg St. Germain. She has all the +traditions of the great world, and possesses an immense amount of +social knowledge; she knows the blazon of the oldest as well as the +newest family in Europe." + +The count's good taste, or perhaps the advice of his domestic genius, +appeared under his altered circumstances. He was neither arrogant nor +offensively polite, nor pompous in any way, and the duchess was not +patronizing. Monsieur and Madame de Chessel gratefully accepted the +invitation to dinner on the following Thursday. I pleased the duchess, +and by her glance I knew she was examining a man of whom her daughter +had spoken to her. As we returned from vespers she questioned me about +my family, and asked if the Vandenesse now in diplomacy was my +relative. "He is my brother," I replied. On that she became almost +affectionate. She told me that my great-aunt, the old Marquise de +Listomere, was a Grandlieu. Her manners were as cordial as those of +Monsieur de Mortsauf the day he saw me for the first time; the haughty +glance with which these sovereigns of the earth make you measure the +distance that lies between you and them disappeared. I knew almost +nothing of my family. The duchess told me that my great-uncle, an old +abbe whose very name I did not know, was to be member of the privy +council, that my brother was already promoted, and also that by a +provision of the Charter, of which I had not yet heard, my father +became once more Marquis de Vandenesse. + +"I am but one thing, the serf of Clochegourde," I said in a low voice +to the countess. + +The transformation scene of the Restoration was carried through with a +rapidity which bewildered the generation brought up under the imperial +regime. To me this revolution meant nothing. The least word or gesture +from Madame de Mortsauf were the sole events to which I attached +importance. I was ignorant of what the privy council was, and knew as +little of politics as of social life; my sole ambition was to love +Henriette better than Petrarch loved Laura. This indifference made the +duchess take me for a child. A large company assembled at Frapesle and +we were thirty at table. What intoxication it is for a young man +unused to the world to see the woman he loves more beautiful than all +others around her, the centre of admiring looks; to know that for him +alone is reserved the chaste fire of those eyes, that none but he can +discern in the tones of that voice, in the words it utters, however +gay or jesting they may be, the proofs of unremitting thought. The +count, delighted with the attentions paid to him, seemed almost young; +his wife looked hopeful of a change; I amused myself with Madeleine, +who, like all children with bodies weaker than their minds, made +others laugh with her clever observations, full of sarcasm, though +never malicious, and which spared no one. It was a happy day. A word, +a hope awakened in the morning illumined nature. Seeing me so joyous, +Henriette was joyful too. + +"This happiness smiling on my gray and cloudy life seems good," she +said to me the next day. + +That day I naturally spent at Clochegourde. I had been banished for +five days, I was athirst for life. The count left at six in the +morning for Tours. A serious disagreement had arisen between mother +and daughter. The duchess wanted the countess to move to Paris, where +she promised her a place at court, and where the count, reconsidering +his refusal, might obtain some high position. Henriette, who was +thought happy in her married life, would not reveal, even to her +mother, her tragic sufferings and the fatal incapacity of her husband. +It was to hide his condition from the duchess that she persuaded him +to go to Tours and transact business with his notaries. I alone, as +she had truly said, knew the dark secret of Clochegourde. Having +learned by experience how the pure air and the blue sky of the lovely +valley calmed the excitements and soothed the morbid griefs of the +diseased mind, and what beneficial effect the life at Clochegourde had +upon the health of her children, she opposed her mother's desire that +she should leave it with reasons which the overbearing woman, who was +less grieved than mortified by her daughter's bad marriage, vigorously +combated. + +Henriette saw that the duchess cared little for Jacques and Madeleine, +--a terrible discovery! Like all domineering mothers who expect to +continue the same authority over their married daughters that they +maintained when they were girls, the duchess brooked no opposition; +sometimes she affected a crafty sweetness to force her daughter to +compliance, at other times a cold severity, intending to obtain by +fear what gentleness had failed to win; then, when all means failed, +she displayed the same native sarcasm which I had often observed in my +own mother. In those ten days Henriette passed through all the +contentions a young woman must endure to establish her independence. +You, who for your happiness have the best of mothers, can scarcely +comprehend such trials. To gain a true idea of the struggle between +that cold, calculating, ambitious woman and a daughter abounding in +the tender natural kindness that never faileth, you must imagine a +lily, to which my heart has always compared her, bruised beneath the +polished wheels of a steel car. That mother had nothing in common with +her daughter; she was unable even to imagine the real difficulties +which hindered her from taking advantage of the Restoration and forced +her to continue a life of solitude. Though families bury their +internal dissensions with the utmost care, enter behind the scenes, +and you will find in nearly all of them deep, incurable wounds, which +lessen the natural affections. Sometimes these wounds are given by +passions real and most affecting, rendered eternal by the dignity of +those who feel them; sometimes by latent hatreds which slowly freeze +the heart and dry all tears when the hour of parting comes. Tortured +yesterday and to-day, wounded by all, even by the suffering children +who were guiltless of the ills they endured, how could that poor soul +fail to love the one human being who did not strike her, who would +fain have built a wall of defence around her to guard her from storms, +from harsh contacts and cruel blows? Though I suffered from a +knowledge of these debates, there were moments when I was happy in the +sense that she rested upon my heart; for she told me of these new +troubles. Day by day I learned more fully the meaning of her words, +--"Love me as my aunt loved me." + +"Have you no ambition?" the duchess said to me at dinner, with a stern +air. + +"Madame," I replied, giving her a serious look, "I have enough in me +to conquer the world; but I am only twenty-one, and I am all alone." + +She looked at her daughter with some astonishment. Evidently she +believed that Henriette had crushed my ambition in order to keep me +near her. The visit of Madame de Lenoncourt was a period of unrelieved +constraint. The countess begged me to be cautious; she was frightened +by the least kind word; to please her I wore the harness of deceit. +The great Thursday came; it was a day of wearisome ceremonial,--one of +those stiff days which lovers hate, when their chair is no longer in +its place, and the mistress of the house cannot be with them. Love has +a horror of all that does not concern itself. But the duchess returned +at last to the pomps and vanities of the court, and Clochegourde +recovered its accustomed order. + +My little quarrel with the count resulted in making me more at home in +the house than ever; I could go there at all times without hindrance; +and the antecedents of my life inclined me to cling like a climbing +plant to the beautiful soul which had opened to me the enchanting +world of shared emotions. Every hour, every minute, our fraternal +marriage, founded on trust, became a surer thing; each of us settled +firmly into our own position; the countess enfolded me with her +nurturing care, with the white draperies of a love that was wholly +maternal; while my love for her, seraphic in her presence, seared me +as with hot irons when away from her. I loved her with a double love +which shot its arrows of desire, and then lost them in the sky, where +they faded out of sight in the impermeable ether. If you ask me why, +young and ardent, I continued in the deluding dreams of Platonic love, +I must own to you that I was not yet man enough to torture that woman, +who was always in dread of some catastrophe to her children, always +fearing some outburst of her husband's stormy temper, martyrized by +him when not afflicted by the illness of Jacques or Madeleine, and +sitting beside one or the other of them when her husband allowed her a +little rest. The mere sound of too warm a word shook her whole being; +a desire shocked her; what she needed was a veiled love, support +mingled with tenderness,--that, in short, which she gave to others. +Then, need I tell you, who are so truly feminine? this situation +brought with it hours of delightful languor, moments of divine +sweetness and content which followed by secret immolation. Her +conscience was, if I may call it so, contagious; her self-devotion +without earthly recompense awed me by its persistence; the living, +inward piety which was the bond of her other virtues filled the air +about her with spiritual incense. Besides, I was young,--young enough +to concentrate my whole being on the kiss she allowed me too seldom to +lay upon her hand, of which she gave me only the back, and never the +palm, as though she drew the line of sensual emotions there. No two +souls ever clasped each other with so much ardor, no bodies were ever +more victoriously annihilated. Later I understood the cause of this +sufficing joy. At my age no worldly interests distracted my heart; no +ambitions blocked the stream of a love which flowed like a torrent, +bearing all things on its bosom. Later, we love the woman in a woman; +but the first woman we love is the whole of womanhood; her children +are ours, her interests are our interests, her sorrows our greatest +sorrow; we love her gown, the familiar things about her; we are more +grieved by a trifling loss of hers than if we knew we had lost +everything. This is the sacred love that makes us live in the being of +another; whereas later, alas! we draw another life into ours, and +require a woman to enrich our pauper spirit with her young soul. + +I was now one of the household, and I knew for the first time an +infinite sweetness, which to a nature bruised as mine was like a bath +to a weary body; the soul is refreshed in every fibre, comforted to +its very depths. You will hardly understand me, for you are a woman, +and I am speaking now of a happiness women give but do not receive. A +man alone knows the choice happiness of being, in the midst of a +strange household, the privileged friend of its mistress, the secret +centre of her affections. No dog barks at you; the servants, like the +dogs, recognize your rights; the children (who are never misled, and +know that their power cannot be lessened, and that you cherish the +light of their life), the children possess the gift of divination, +they play with you like kittens and assume the friendly tyranny they +show only to those they love; they are full of intelligent discretion +and come and go on tiptoe without noise. Every one hastens to do you +service; all like you, and smile upon you. True passions are like +beautiful flowers all the more charming to the eye when they grow in a +barren soil. + +But if I enjoyed the delightful benefits of naturalization in a family +where I found relations after my own heart, I had also to pay some +costs for it. Until then Monsieur de Mortsauf had more or less +restrained himself before me. I had only seen his failings in the +mass; I was now to see the full extent of their application and +discover how nobly charitable the countess had been in the account she +had given me of these daily struggles. I learned now all the angles of +her husband's intolerable nature; I heard his perpetual scolding about +nothing, complaints of evils of which not a sign existed; I saw the +inward dissatisfaction which poisoned his life, and the incessant need +of his tyrannical spirit for new victims. When we went to walk in the +evenings he selected the way; but whichever direction we took he was +always bored; when we reached home he blamed others; his wife had +insisted on going where she wanted; why was he governed by her in all +the trifling things of life? was he to have no will, no thought of his +own? must he consent to be a cipher in his own house? If his harshness +was to be received in patient silence he was angry because he felt a +limit to his power; he asked sharply if religion did not require a +wife to please her husband, and whether it was proper to despise the +father of her children? He always ended by touching some sensitive +chord in his wife's mind; and he seemed to find a domineering pleasure +in making it sound. Sometimes he tried gloomy silence and a morbid +depression, which always alarmed his wife and made her pay him the +most tender attentions. Like petted children, who exercise their power +without thinking of the distress of their mother, he would let her +wait upon him as upon Jacques and Madeleine, of whom he was jealous. + +I discovered at last that in small things as well as in great ones the +count acted towards his servants, his children, his wife, precisely as +he had acted to me about the backgammon. The day when I understood, +root and branch, these difficulties, which like a rampant overgrowth +repressed the actions and stifled the breathing of the whole family, +hindered the management of the household and retarded the improvement +of the estate by complicating the most necessary acts, I felt an +admiring awe which rose higher than my love and drove it back into my +heart. Good God! what was I? Those tears that I had taken on my lips +solemnized my spirit; I found happiness in wedding the sufferings of +that woman. Hitherto I had yielded to the count's despotism as the +smuggler pays his fine; henceforth I was a voluntary victim that I +might come the nearer to her. The countess understood me, allowed me a +place beside her, and gave me permission to share her sorrows; like +the repentant apostate, eager to rise to heaven with his brethren, I +obtained the favor of dying in the arena. + +"Were it not for you I must have succumbed under this life," Henriette +said to me one evening when the count had been, like the flies on a +hot day, more stinging, venomous, and persistent than usual. + +He had gone to bed. Henriette and I remained under the acacias; the +children were playing about us, bathed in the setting sun. Our few +exclamatory words revealed the mutuality of the thoughts in which we +rested from our common sufferings. When language failed silence as +faithfully served our souls, which seemed to enter one another without +hindrance; together they luxuriated in the charms of pensive languor, +they met in the undulations of the same dream, they plunged as one +into the river and came out refreshed like two nymphs as closely +united as their souls could wish, but with no earthly tie to bind +them. We entered the unfathomable gulf, we returned to the surface +with empty hands, asking each other by a look, "Among all our days on +earth will there be one for us?" + +In spite of the tranquil poetry of evening which gave to the bricks of +the balustrade their orange tones, so soothing and so pure; in spite +of the religious atmosphere of the hour, which softened the voices of +the children and wafted them towards us, desire crept through my veins +like the match to the bonfire. After three months of repression I was +unable to content myself with the fate assigned me. I took Henriette's +hand and softly caressed it, trying to convey to her the ardor that +invaded me. She became at once Madame de Mortsauf, and withdrew her +hand; tears rolled from my eyes, she saw them and gave me a chilling +look, as she offered her hand to my lips. + +"You must know," she said, "that this will cause me grief. A +friendship that asks so great a favor is dangerous." + +Then I lost my self-control; I reproached her, I spoke of my +sufferings, and the slight alleviation that I asked for them. I dared +to tell her that at my age, if the senses were all soul still the soul +had a sex; that I could meet death, but not with closed lips. She +forced me to silence with her proud glance, in which I seemed to read +the cry of the Mexican: "And I, am I on a bed of roses?" Ever since +that day by the gate of Frapesle, when I attributed to her the hope +that our happiness might spring from a grave, I had turned with shame +from the thought of staining her soul with the desires of a brutal +passion. She now spoke with honeyed lip, and told me that she never +could be wholly mine, and that I ought to know it. As she said the +words I know that in obeying her I dug an abyss between us. I bowed my +head. She went on, saying she had an inward religious certainty that +she might love me as a brother without offending God or man; such love +was a living image of the divine love, which her good Saint-Martin +told her was the life of the world. If I could not be to her somewhat +as her old confessor was, less than a lover yet more than a brother, I +must never see her again. She could die and take to God her sheaf of +sufferings, borne not without tears and anguish. + +"I gave you," she said in conclusion, "more than I ought to have +given, so that nothing might be left to take, and I am punished." + +I was forced to calm her, to promise never to cause her pain, and to +love her at twenty-one years of age as old men love their youngest +child. + +The next day I went early. There were no flowers in the vases of her +gray salon. I rushed into the fields and vineyards to make her two +bouquets; but as I gathered the flowers, one by one, cutting their +long stalks and admiring their beauty, the thought occurred to me that +the colors and foliage had a poetry, a harmony, which meant something +to the understanding while they charmed the eye; just as musical +melodies awaken memories in hearts that are loving and beloved. If +color is light organized, must it not have a meaning of its own, as +the combinations of the air have theirs? I called in the assistance of +Jacques and Madeleine, and all three of us conspired to surprise our +dear one. I arranged, on the lower steps of the portico, where we +established our floral headquarters, two bouquets by which I tried to +convey a sentiment. Picture to yourself a fountain of flowers gushing +from the vases and falling back in curving waves; my message springing +from its bosom in white roses and lilies with their silver cups. All +the blue flowers, harebells, forget-me-nots, and ox-tongues, whose +tines, caught from the skies, blended so well with the whiteness of +the lilies, sparkled on this dewy texture; were they not the type of +two purities, the one that knows nothing, the other that knows all; an +image of the child, an image of the martyr? Love has its blazon, and +the countess discerned it inwardly. She gave me a poignant glance +which was like the cry of a soldier when his wound is touched; she was +humbled but enraptured too. My reward was in that glance; to refresh +her heart, to have given her comfort, what encouragement for me! Then +it was that I pressed the theories of Pere Castel into the service of +love, and recovered a science lost to Europe, where written pages have +supplanted the flowery missives of the Orient with their balmy tints. +What charm in expressing our sensations through these daughters of the +sun, sisters to the flowers that bloom beneath the rays of love! +Before long I communed with the flora of the fields, as a man whom I +met in after days at Grandlieu communed with his bees. + +Twice a week during the remainder of my stay at Frapesle I continued +the slow labor of this poetic enterprise, for the ultimate +accomplishment of which I needed all varieties of herbaceous plants; +into these I made a deep research, less as a botanist than as a poet, +studying their spirit rather than their form. To find a flower in its +native haunts I walked enormous distances, beside the brooklets, +through the valleys, to the summit of the cliffs, across the moorland, +garnering thoughts even from the heather. During these rambles I +initiated myself into pleasures unthought of by the man of science who +lives in meditation, unknown to the horticulturist busy with +specialities, to the artisan fettered to a city, to the merchant +fastened to his desk, but known to a few foresters, to a few woodsmen, +and to some dreamers. Nature can show effects the significations of +which are limitless; they rise to the grandeur of the highest moral +conceptions--be it the heather in bloom, covered with the diamonds of +the dew on which the sunlight dances; infinitude decked for the single +glance that may chance to fall upon it:--be it a corner of the forest +hemmed in with time-worn rocks crumbling to gravel and clothed with +mosses overgrown with juniper, which grasps our minds as something +savage, aggressive, terrifying as the cry of the kestrel issuing from +it:--be it a hot and barren moor without vegetation, stony, rigid, its +horizon like those of the desert, where once I gathered a sublime and +solitary flower, the anemone pulsatilla, with its violet petals +opening for the golden stamens; affecting image of my pure idol alone +in her valley:--be it great sheets of water, where nature casts those +spots of greenery, a species of transition between the plant and +animal, where life makes haste to come in flowers and insects, +floating there like worlds in ether:--be it a cottage with its garden +of cabbages, its vineyards, its hedges overhanging a bog, surrounded +by a few sparse fields of rye; true image of many humble existences: +--be it a forest path like some cathedral nave, where the trees are +columns and their branches arch the roof, at the far end of which a +light breaks through, mingled with shadows or tinted with sunset reds +athwart the leaves which gleam like the colored windows of a chancel: +--then, leaving these woods so cool and branchy, behold a chalk-land +lying fallow, where among the warm and cavernous mosses adders glide +to their lairs, or lift their proud slim heads. Cast upon all these +pictures torrents of sunlight like beneficent waters, or the shadow of +gray clouds drawn in lines like the wrinkles of an old man's brow, or +the cool tones of a sky faintly orange and streaked with lines of a +paler tint; then listen--you will hear indefinable harmonies amid a +silence which blends them all. + +During the months of September and October I did not make a single +bouquet which cost me less than three hours search; so much did I +admire, with the real sympathy of a poet, these fugitive allegories of +human life, that vast theatre I was about to enter, the scenes of +which my memory must presently recall. Often do I now compare those +splendid scenes with memories of my soul thus expending itself on +nature; again I walk that valley with my sovereign, whose white robe +brushed the coppice and floated on the green sward, whose spirit rose, +like a promised fruit, from each calyx filled with amorous stamens. + +No declaration of love, no vows of uncontrollable passion ever +conveyed more than these symphonies of flowers; my baffled desires +impelled me to efforts of expression through them like those of +Beethoven through his notes, to the same bitter reactions, to the same +mighty bounds towards heaven. In their presence Madame de Mortsauf was +my Henriette. She looked at them constantly; they fed her spirit, she +gathered all the thoughts I had given them, saying, as she raised her +head from the embroidery frame to receive my gift, "Ah, how +beautiful!" + +Natalie, you will understand this delightful intercourse through the +details of a bouquet, just as you would comprehend Saadi from a +fragment of his verse. Have you ever smelt in the fields in the month +of May the perfume that communicates to all created beings the +intoxicating sense of a new creation; the sense that makes you trail +your hand in the water from a boat, and loosen your hair to the breeze +while your mind revives with the springtide greenery of the trees? A +little plant, a species of vernal grass, is a powerful element in this +veiled harmony; it cannot be worn with impunity; take into your hand +its shining blade, striped green and white like a silken robe, and +mysterious emotions will stir the rosebuds your modesty keeps hidden +in the depths of your heart. Round the neck of a porcelain vase +imagine a broad margin of the gray-white tufts peculiar to the sedum +of the vineyards of Touraine, vague image of submissive forms; from +this foundation come tendrils of the bind-weed with its silver bells, +sprays of pink rest-barrow mingled with a few young shoots of +oak-leaves, lustrous and magnificently colored; these creep forth +prostrate, humble as the weeping-willow, timid and supplicating as +prayer. Above, see those delicate threads of the purple amoret, with +its flood of anthers that are nearly yellow; the snowy pyramids of the +meadow-sweet, the green tresses of the wild oats, the slender plumes +of the agrostis, which we call wind-ear; roseate hopes, decking love's +earliest dream and standing forth against the gray surroundings. But +higher still, remark the Bengal roses, sparsely scattered among the +laces of the daucus, the plumes of the linaria, the marabouts of the +meadow-queen; see the umbels of the myrrh, the spun glass of the +clematis in seed, the dainty petals of the cross-wort, white as milk, +the corymbs of the yarrow, the spreading stems of the fumitory with +their black and rosy blossoms, the tendrils of the grape, the twisted +shoots of the honeysuckle; in short, all the innocent creatures have +that is most tangled, wayward, wild,--flames and triple darts, leaves +lanceolated or jagged, stalks convoluted like passionate desires +writhing in the soul. From the bosom of this torrent of love rises the +scarlet poppy, its tassels about to open, spreading its flaming flakes +above the starry jessamine, dominating the rain of pollen--that soft +mist fluttering in the air and reflecting the light in its myriad +particles. What woman intoxicated with the odor of the vernal grasses +would fail to understand this wealth of offered thoughts, these ardent +desires of a love demanding the happiness refused in a hundred +struggles which passion still renews, continuous, unwearying, eternal! + +Put this speech of the flowers in the light of a window to show its +crisp details, its delicate contrasts, its arabesques of color, and +allow the sovereign lady to see a tear upon some petal more expanded +than the rest. What do we give to God? perfumes, light, and song, the +purest expression of our nature. Well, these offerings to God, are +they not likewise offered to love in this poem of luminous flowers +murmuring their sadness to the heart, cherishing its hidden +transports, its unuttered hopes, its illusions which gleam and fall +to fragments like the gossamer of a summer's night? + +Such neutral pleasures help to soothe a nature irritated by long +contemplation of the person beloved. They were to me, I dare not say +to her, like those fissures in a dam through which the water finds a +vent and avoids disaster. Abstinence brings deadly exhaustion, which a +few crumbs falling from heaven like manna in the desert, suffices to +relieve. Sometimes I found my Henriette standing before these bouquets +with pendant arms, lost in agitated reverie, thoughts swelling her +bosom, illumining her brow as they surged in waves and sank again, +leaving lassitude and languor behind them. Never again have I made a +bouquet for any one. When she and I had created this language and +formed it to our uses, a satisfaction filled our souls like that of a +slave who escapes his masters. + +During the rest of this month as I came from the meadows through the +gardens I often saw her face at the window, and when I reached the +salon she was ready at her embroidery frame. If I did not arrive at +the hour expected (though never appointed), I saw a white form +wandering on the terrace, and when I joined her she would say, "I came +to meet you; I must show a few attentions to my youngest child." + +The miserable games of backgammon had come to end. The count's late +purchases took all his time in going hither and thither about the +property, surveying, examining, and marking the boundaries of his new +possessions. He had orders to give, rural works to overlook which +needed a master's eye,--all of them planned and decided on by his wife +and himself. We often went to meet him, the countess and I, with the +children, who amused themselves on the way by running after insects, +stag-beetles, darning-needles, they too making their bouquets, or to +speak more truly, their bundles of flowers. To walk beside the woman +we love, to take her on our arm, to guide her steps,--these are +illimitable joys that suffice a lifetime. Confidence is then complete. +We went alone, we returned with the "general," a title given to the +count when he was good-humored. These two ways of taking the same path +gave light and shade to our pleasure, a secret known only to hearts +debarred from union. Our talk, so free as we went, had hidden +significations as we returned, when either of us gave an answer to +some furtive interrogation, or continued a subject, already begun, in +the enigmatic phrases to which our language lends itself, and which +women are so ingenious in composing. Who has not known the pleasure of +such secret understandings in a sphere apart from those about us, a +sphere where spirits meet outside of social laws? + +One day a wild hope, quickly dispelled, took possession of me, when +the count, wishing to know what we were talking of, put the inquiry, +and Henriette answered in words that allowed another meaning, which +satisfied him. This amused Madeleine, who laughed; after a moment her +mother blushed and gave me a forbidding look, as if to say she might +still withdraw from me her soul as she had once withdrawn her hand. +But our purely spiritual union had far too many charms, and on the +morrow it continued as before. + +The hours, days, and weeks fled by, filled with renascent joys. Grape +harvest, the festal season in Touraine, began. Toward the end of +September the sun, less hot than during the wheat harvest, allows of +our staying in the vineyards without danger of becoming overheated. It +is easier to gather grapes than to mow wheat. Fruits of all kinds are +ripe, harvests are garnered, bread is less dear; the sense of plenty +makes the country people happy. Fears as to the results of rural toil, +in which more money than sweat is often spent, vanish before a full +granary and cellars about to overflow. The vintage is then like a gay +dessert after the dinner is eaten; the skies of Touraine, where the +autumns are always magnificent, smile upon it. In this hospitable land +the vintagers are fed and lodged in the master's house. The meals are +the only ones throughout the year when these poor people taste +substantial, well-cooked food; and they cling to the custom as the +children of patriarchal families cling to anniversaries. As the time +approaches they flock in crowds to those houses where the masters are +known to treat the laborers liberally. The house is full of people and +of provisions. The presses are open. The country is alive with the +coming and going of itinerant coopers, of carts filled with laughing +girls and joyous husbandmen, who earn better wages than at any other +time during the year, and who sing as they go. There is also another +cause of pleasurable content: classes and ranks are equal; women, +children, masters, and men, all that little world, share in the +garnering of the divine hoard. These various elements of satisfaction +explain the hilarity of the vintage, transmitted from age to age in +these last glorious days of autumn, the remembrance of which inspired +Rabelais with the bacchic form of his great work. + +The children, Jacques and Madeleine, had never seen a vintage; I was +like them, and they were full of infantine delight at finding a sharer +of their pleasure; their mother, too, promised to accompany us. We +went to Villaines, where baskets are manufactured, in quest of the +prettiest that could be bought; for we four were to cut certain rows +reserved for our scissors; it was, however, agreed that none of us +were to eat too many grapes. To eat the fat bunches of Touraine in a +vineyard seemed so delicious that we all refused the finest grapes on +the dinner-table. Jacques made me swear I would go to no other +vineyard, but stay closely at Clochegourde. Never were these frail +little beings, usually pallid and smiling, so fresh and rosy and +active as they were this morning. They chattered for chatter's sake, +and trotted about without apparent object; they suddenly seemed, like +other children, to have more life than they needed; neither Monsieur +nor Madame de Mortsauf had ever seen them so before. I became a child +again with them, more of a child than either of them, perhaps; I, too, +was hoping for my harvest. It was glorious weather when we went to the +vineyard, and we stayed there half the day. How we disputed as to who +had the finest grapes and who could fill his basket quickest! The +little human shoots ran to and fro from the vines to their mother; not +a bunch could be cut without showing it to her. She laughed with the +good, gay laugh of her girlhood when I, running up with my basket +after Madeleine, cried out, "Mine too! See mine, mamma!" To which she +answered: "Don't get overheated, dear child." Then passing her hand +round my neck and through my hair, she added, giving me a little tap +on the cheek, "You are melting away." It was the only caress she ever +gave me. I looked at the pretty line of purple clusters, the hedges +full of haws and blackberries; I heard the voices of the children; I +watched the trooping girls, the cart loaded with barrels, the men with +the panniers. Ah, it is all engraved on my memory, even to the +almond-tree beside which she stood, girlish, rosy, smiling, beneath the +sunshade held open in her hand. Then I busied myself in cutting the +bunches and filling my basket, going forward to empty it in the vat, +silently, with measured bodily movement and slow steps that left my +spirit free. I discovered then the ineffable pleasure of an external +labor which carries life along, and thus regulates the rush of +passion, often so near, but for this mechanical motion, to kindle into +flame. I learned how much wisdom is contained in uniform labor; I +understood monastic discipline. + +For the first time in many days the count was neither surly nor cruel. +His son was so well; the future Duc de Lenoncourt-Mortsauf, fair and +rosy and stained with grape-juice, rejoiced his heart. This day being +the last of the vintage, he had promised a dance in front of +Clochegourde in honor of the return of the Bourbons, so that our +festival gratified everybody. As we returned to the house, the +countess took my arm and leaned upon it, as if to let my heart feel +the weight of hers,--the instinctive movement of a mother who seeks to +convey her joy. Then she whispered in my ear, "You bring us +happiness." + +Ah, to me, who knew her sleepless nights, her cares, her fears, her +former existence, in which, although the hand of God sustained her, +all was barren and wearisome, those words uttered by that rich voice +brought pleasures no other woman in the world could give me. + +"The terrible monotony of my life is broken, all things are radiant +with hope," she said after a pause. "Oh, never leave me! Do not +despise my harmless superstitions; be the elder son, the protector of +the younger." + +In this, Natalie, there is nothing romantic. To know the infinite of +our deepest feelings, we must in youth cast our lead into those great +lakes upon whose shores we live. Though to many souls passions are +lava torrents flowing among arid rocks, other souls there be in whom +passion, restrained by insurmountable obstacles, fills with purest +water the crater of the volcano. + +We had still another fete. Madame de Mortsauf, wishing to accustom her +children to the practical things of life, and to give them some +experience of the toil by which men earn their living, had provided +each of them with a source of income, depending on the chances of +agriculture. To Jacques she gave the produce of the walnut-trees, to +Madeleine that of the chestnuts. The gathering of the nuts began soon +after the vintage,--first the chestnuts, then the walnuts. To beat +Madeleine's trees with a long pole and hear the nuts fall and rebound +on the dry, matted earth of a chestnut-grove; to see the serious +gravity of the little girl as she examined the heaps and estimated +their probable value, which to her represented many pleasures on which +she counted; the congratulations of Manette, the trusted servant who +alone supplied Madame de Mortsauf's place with the children; the +explanations of the mother, showing the necessity of labor to obtain +all crops, so often imperilled by the uncertainties of climate,--all +these things made up a charming scene of innocent, childlike happiness +amid the fading colors of the late autumn. + +Madeleine had a little granary of her own, in which I was to see her +brown treasure garnered and share her delight. Well, I quiver still +when I recall the sound of each basketful of nuts as it was emptied on +the mass of yellow husks, mixed with earth, which made the floor of +the granary. The count bought what was needed for the household; the +farmers and tenants, indeed, every one around Clochegourde, sent +buyers to the Mignonne, a pet name which the peasantry give even to +strangers, but which in this case belonged exclusively to Madeleine. + +Jacques was less fortunate in gathering his walnuts. It rained for +several days; but I consoled him with the advice to hold back his nuts +and sell them a little later. Monsieur de Chessel had told me that the +walnut-trees in the Brehemont, also those about Amboise and Vouvray, +were not bearing. Walnut oil is in great demand in Touraine. Jacques +might get at least forty sous for the product of each tree, and as he +had two hundred the amount was considerable; he intended to spend it +on the equipment of a pony. This wish led to a discussion with his +father, who bade him think of the uncertainty of such returns, and the +wisdom of creating a reserve fund for the years when the trees might +not bear, and so equalizing his resources. I felt what was passing +through the mother's mind as she sat by in silence; she rejoiced in +the way Jacques listened to his father, the father seeming to recover +the paternal dignity that was lacking to him, thanks to the ideas +which she herself had prompted in him. Did I not tell you truly that +in picturing this woman earthly language was insufficient to render +either her character or her spirit. When such scenes occurred my soul +drank in their delights without analyzing them; but now, with what +vigor they detach themselves on the dark background of my troubled +life! Like diamonds they shine against the settling of thoughts +degraded by alloy, of bitter regrets for a lost happiness. Why do the +names of the two estates purchased after the Restoration, and in which +Monsieur and Madame de Mortsauf both took the deepest interest, the +Cassine and the Rhetoriere, move me more than the sacred names of the +Holy Land or of Greece? "Who loves, knows!" cried La Fontaine. Those +names possess the talismanic power of words uttered under certain +constellations by seers; they explain magic to me; they awaken +sleeping forms which arise and speak to me; they lead me to the happy +valley; they recreate skies and landscape. But such evocations are in +the regions of the spiritual world; they pass in the silence of my own +soul. Be not surprised, therefore, if I dwell on all these homely +scenes; the smallest details of that simple, almost common life are +ties which, frail as they may seem, bound me in closest union to the +countess. + +The interests of her children gave Madame de Mortsauf almost as much +anxiety as their health. I soon saw the truth of what she had told me +as to her secret share in the management of the family affairs, into +which I became slowly initiated. After ten years' steady effort Madame +de Mortsauf had changed the method of cultivating the estate. She had +"put it in fours," as the saying is in those parts, meaning the new +system under which wheat is sown every four years only, so as to make +the soil produce a different crop yearly. To evade the obstinate +unwillingness of the peasantry it was found necessary to cancel the +old leases and give new ones, to divide the estate into four great +farms and let them on equal shares, the sort of lease that prevails in +Touraine and its neighborhood. The owner of the estate gives the +house, farm-buildings, and seed-grain to tenants-at-will, with whom he +divides the costs of cultivation and the crops. This division is +superintended by an agent or bailiff, whose business it is to take the +share belonging to the owner; a costly system, complicated by the +market changes of values, which alter the character of the shares +constantly. The countess had induced Monsieur de Mortsauf to cultivate +a fifth farm, made up of the reserved lands about Clochegourde, as +much to occupy his mind as to show other farmers the excellence of the +new method by the evidence of facts. Being thus, in a hidden way, the +mistress of the estate, she had slowly and with a woman's persistency +rebuilt two of the farm-houses on the principle of those in Artois and +Flanders. It is easy to see her motive. She wished, after the +expiration of the leases on shares, to relet to intelligent and +capable persons for rental in money, and thus simplify the revenues of +Clochegourde. Fearing to die before her husband, she was anxious to +secure for him a regular income, and to her children a property which +no incapacity could jeopardize. At the present time the fruit-trees +planted during the last ten years were in full bearing; the hedges, +which secured the boundaries from dispute, were in good order; the +elms and poplars were growing well. With the new purchases and the new +farming system well under way, the estate of Clochegourde, divided +into four great farms, two of which still needed new houses, was +capable of bringing in forty thousand francs a year, ten thousand for +each farm, not counting the yield of the vineyards, and the two +hundred acres of woodland which adjoined them, nor the profits of the +model home-farm. The roads to the great farms all opened on an avenue +which followed a straight line from Clochegourde to the main road +leading to Chinon. The distance from the entrance of this avenue to +Tours was only fifteen miles; tenants would never be wanting, +especially now that everybody was talking of the count's improvements +and the excellent condition of his land. + +The countess wished to put some fifteen thousand francs into each of +the estates lately purchased, and to turn the present dwellings into +two large farm-houses and buildings, in order that the property might +bring in a better rent after the ground had been cultivated for a year +or two. These ideas, so simple in themselves, but complicated with the +thirty odd thousand francs it was necessary to expend upon them, were +just now the topic of many discussions between herself and the count, +sometimes amounting to bitter quarrels, in which she was sustained by +the thought of her children's interests. The fear, "If I die to-morrow +what will become of them?" made her heart beat. The gentle, peaceful +hearts to whom anger is an impossibility, and whose sole desire is to +shed on those about them their own inward peace, alone know what +strength is needed for such struggles, what demands upon the spirit +must be made before beginning the contest, what weariness ensues when +the fight is over and nothing has been won. At this moment, just as +her children seemed less anemic, less frail, more active (for the +fruit season had had its effect on them), and her moist eyes followed +them as they played about her with a sense of contentment which +renewed her strength and refreshed her heart, the poor woman was +called upon to bear the sharp sarcasms and attacks of an angry +opposition. The count, alarmed at the plans she proposed, denied with +stolid obstinacy the advantages of all she had done and the +possibility of doing more. He replied to conclusive reasoning with the +folly of a child who denies the influence of the sun in summer. The +countess, however, carried the day. The victory of commonsense over +insanity so healed her wounds that she forgot the battle. That day we +all went to the Cassine and the Rhetoriere, to decide upon the +buildings. The count walked alone in front, the children went next, +and we ourselves followed slowly, for she was speaking in a low, +gentle tone, which made her words like the murmur of the sea as it +ripples on a smooth beach. + +She was, she said, certain of success. A new line of communication +between Tours and Chinon was to be opened by an active man, a carrier, +a cousin of Manette's, who wanted a large farm on the route. His +family was numerous; the eldest son would drive the carts, the second +could attend to the business, the father living half-way along the +road, at Rabelaye, one of the farms then to let, would look after the +relays and enrich his land with the manure of the stables. As to the +other farm, la Baude, the nearest to Clochegourde, one of their own +people, a worthy, intelligent, and industrious man, who saw the +advantages of the new system of agriculture, was ready to take a lease +on it. The Cassine and the Rhetoriere need give no anxiety; their soil +was the very best in the neighborhood; the farm-houses once built, and +the ground brought into cultivation, it would be quite enough to +advertise them at Tours; tenants would soon apply for them. In two +years' time Clochegourde would be worth at least twenty-four thousand +francs a year. Gravelotte, the farm in Maine, which Monsieur de +Mortsauf had recovered after the emigration, was rented for seven +thousand francs a year for nine years; his pension was four thousand. +This income might not be a fortune, but it was certainly a competence. +Later, other additions to it might enable her to go to Paris and +attend to Jacques' education; in two years, she thought, his health +would be established. + +With what feeling she uttered the word "Paris!" I knew her thought; +she wished to be as little separated as possible from her friend. On +that I broke forth; I told her that she did not know me; that without +talking of it, I had resolved to finish my education by working day +and night so as to fit myself to be Jacques' tutor. She looked grave. + +"No, Felix," she said, "that cannot be, any more than your priesthood. +I thank you from my heart as a mother, but as a woman who loves you +sincerely I can never allow you to be the victim of your attachment to +me. Such a position would be a social discredit to you, and I could +not allow it. No! I cannot be an injury to you in any way. You, +Vicomte de Vandenesse, a tutor! You, whose motto is 'Ne se vend!' Were +you Richelieu himself it would bar your way in life; it would give the +utmost pain to your family. My friend, you do not know what insult +women of the world, like my mother, can put into a patronizing glance, +what degradation into a word, what contempt into a bow." + +"But if you love me, what is the world to me?" + +She pretended not to hear, and went on:-- + +"Though my father is most kind and desirous of doing all I ask, he +would never forgive your taking so humble a position; he would refuse +you his protection. I could not consent to your becoming tutor to the +Dauphin even. You must accept society as it is; never commit the fault +of flying in the face of it. My friend, this rash proposal of--" + +"Love," I whispered. + +"No, charity," she said, controlling her tears, "this wild idea +enlightens me as to your character; your heart will be your bane. I +shall claim from this moment the right to teach you certain things. +Let my woman's eye see for you sometimes. Yes, from the solitudes of +Clochegourde I mean to share, silently, contentedly, in your +successes. As to a tutor, do not fear; we shall find some good old +abbe, some learned Jesuit, and my father will gladly devote a handsome +sum to the education of the boy who is to bear his name. Jacques is my +pride. He is, however, eleven years old," she added after a pause. +"But it is with him as with you; when I first saw you I took you to be +about thirteen." + +We now reached the Cassine, where Jacques, Madeleine, and I followed +her about as children follow a mother; but we were in her way; I left +her presently and went into the orchard where Martineau the elder, +keeper of the place, was discussing with Martineau the younger, the +bailiff, whether certain trees ought or ought not to be taken down; +they were arguing the matter as if it concerned their own property. I +then saw how much the countess was beloved. I spoke of it to a poor +laborer, who, with one foot on his spade and an elbow on its handle, +stood listening to the two doctors of pomology. + +"Ah, yes, monsieur," he answered, "she is a good woman, and not +haughty like those hussies at Azay, who would see us die like dogs +sooner than yield us one penny of the price of a grave! The day when +that woman leaves these parts the Blessed Virgin will weep, and we +too. She knows what is due to her, but she knows our hardships, too, +and she puts them into the account." + +With what pleasure I gave that man all the money I had. + +A few days later a pony arrived for Jacques, his father, an excellent +horseman, wishing to accustom the child by degrees to the fatigues of +such exercise. The boy had a pretty riding-dress, bought with the +product of the nuts. The morning when he took his first lesson +accompanied by his father and by Madeleine, who jumped and shouted +about the lawn round which Jacques was riding, was a great maternal +festival for the countess. The boy wore a blue collar embroidered by +her, a little sky-blue overcoat fastened by a polished leather belt, a +pair of white trousers pleated at the waist, and a Scotch cap, from +which his fair hair flowed in heavy locks. He was charming to behold. +All the servants clustered round to share the domestic joy. The little +heir smiled at his mother as he passed her, sitting erect, and quite +fearless. This first manly act of a child to whom death had often +seemed so near, the promise of a sound future warranted by this ride +which showed him so handsome, so fresh, so rosy,--what a reward for +all her cares! Then too the joy of the father, who seemed to renew his +youth, and who smiled for the first time in many long months; the +pleasure shown on all faces, the shout of an old huntsman of the +Lenoncourts, who had just arrived from Tours, and who, seeing how the +boy held the reins, shouted to him, "Bravo, monsieur le vicomte!"--all +this was too much for the poor mother, and she burst into tears; she, +so calm in her griefs, was too weak to bear the joy of admiring her +boy as he bounded over the gravel, where so often she had led him in +the sunshine inwardly weeping his expected death. She leaned upon my +arm unreservedly, and said: "I think I have never suffered. Do not +leave us to-day." + +The lesson over, Jacques jumped into his mother's arms; she caught him +and held him tightly to her, kissing him passionately. I went with +Madeleine to arrange two magnificent bouquets for the dinner-table in +honor of the young equestrian. When we returned to the salon the +countess said: "The fifteenth of October is certainly a great day with +me. Jacques has taken his first riding lesson, and I have just set the +last stitch in my furniture cover." + +"Then, Blanche," said the count, laughing, "I must pay you for it." + +He offered her his arm and took her to the first courtyard, where +stood an open carriage which her father had sent her, and for which +the count had purchased two English horses. The old huntsman had +prepared the surprise while Jacques was taking his lesson. We got into +the carriage, and went to see where the new avenue entered the main +road towards Chinon. As we returned, the countess said to me in an +anxious tone, "I am too happy; to me happiness is like an illness,--it +overwhelms me; I fear it may vanish like a dream." + +I loved her too passionately not to feel jealous,--I who could give +her nothing! In my rage against myself I longed for some means of +dying for her. She asked me to tell her the thoughts that filled my +eyes, and I told her honestly. She was more touched than by all her +presents; then taking me to the portico, she poured comfort into my +heart. "Love me as my aunt loved me," she said, "and that will be +giving me your life; and if I take it, must I not ever be grateful to +you? + +"It was time I finished my tapestry," she added as we re-entered the +salon, where I kissed her hand as if to renew my vows. "Perhaps you do +not know, Felix, why I began so formidable a piece of work. Men find +the occupations of life a great resource against troubles; the +management of affairs distracts their mind; but we poor women have no +support within ourselves against our sorrows. To be able to smile +before my children and my husband when my heart was heavy I felt the +need of controlling my inward sufferings by some physical exercise. In +this way I escaped the depression which is apt to follow a great +strain upon the moral strength, and likewise all outbursts of +excitement. The mere action of lifting my arm regularly as I drew the +stitches rocked my thoughts and gave to my spirit when the tempest +raged a monotonous ebb and flow which seemed to regulate its emotions. +To every stitch I confided my secrets,--you understand me, do you not? +Well, while doing my last chair I have thought much, too much, of you, +dear friend. What you have put into your bouquets I have said in my +embroidery." + +The dinner was lovely. Jacques, like all children when you take notice +of them, jumped into my arms when he saw the flowers I had arranged +for him as a garland. His mother pretended to be jealous; ah, Natalie, +you should have seen the charming grace with which the dear child +offered them to her. In the afternoon we played a game of backgammon, +I alone against Monsieur and Madame de Mortsauf, and the count was +charming. They accompanied me along the road to Frapesle in the +twilight of a tranquil evening, one of those harmonious evenings when +our feelings gain in depth what they lose in vivacity. It was a day of +days in this poor woman's life; a spot of brightness which often +comforted her thoughts in painful hours. + +Soon, however, the riding lessons became a subject of contention. The +countess justly feared the count's harsh reprimands to his son. +Jacques grew thin, dark circles surrounded his sweet blue eyes; rather +than trouble his mother, he suffered in silence. I advised him to tell +his father he was tired when the count's temper was violent; but that +expedient proved unavailing, and it became necessary to substitute the +old huntsman as a teacher in place of the father, who could with +difficulty be induced to resign his pupil. Angry reproaches and +contentions began once more; the count found a text for his continual +complaints in the base ingratitude of women; he flung the carriage, +horses, and liveries in his wife's face twenty times a day. At last a +circumstance occurred on which a man with his nature and his disease +naturally fastened eagerly. The cost of the buildings at the Cassine +and the Rhetoriere proved to be half as much again as the estimate. +This news was unfortunately given in the first instance to Monsieur de +Mortsauf instead of to his wife. It was the ground of a quarrel, which +began mildly but grew more and more embittered until it seemed as +though the count's madness, lulled for a short time, was demanding its +arrearages from the poor wife. + +That day I had started from Frapesle at half-past ten to search for +flowers with Madeleine. The child had brought the two vases to the +portico, and I was wandering about the gardens and adjoining meadows +gathering the autumn flowers, so beautiful, but too rare. Returning +from my final quest, I could not find my little lieutenant with her +white cape and broad pink sash; but I heard cries within the house, +and Madeleine presently came running out. + +"The general," she said, crying (the term with her was an expression +of dislike), "the general is scolding mamma; go and defend her." + +I sprang up the steps of the portico and reached the salon without +being seen by either the count or his wife. Hearing the madman's sharp +cries I first shut all the doors, then I returned and found Henriette +as white as her dress. + +"Never marry, Felix," said the count as soon as he saw me; "a woman is +led by the devil; the most virtuous of them would invent evil if it +did not exist; they are all vile." + +Then followed arguments without beginning or end. Harking back to the +old troubles, Monsieur de Mortsauf repeated the nonsense of the +peasantry against the new system of farming. He declared that if he +had had the management of Clochegourde he should be twice as rich as +he now was. He shouted these complaints and insults, he swore, he +sprang around the room knocking against the furniture and displacing +it; then in the middle of a sentence he stopped short, complained that +his very marrow was on fire, his brains melting away like his money, +his wife had ruined him! The countess smiled and looked upward. + +"Yes, Blanche," he cried, "you are my executioner; you are killing me; +I am in your way; you want to get rid of me; you are monster of +hypocrisy. She is smiling! Do you know why she smiles, Felix?" + +I kept silence and looked down. + +"That woman," he continued, answering his own question, "denies me all +happiness; she is no more to me than she is to you, and yet she +pretends to be my wife! She bears my name and fulfils none of the +duties which all laws, human and divine, impose upon her; she lies to +God and man. She obliges me to go long distances, hoping to wear me +out and make me leave her to herself; I am displeasing to her, she +hates me; she puts all her art into keeping me away from her; she has +made me mad through the privations she imposes on me--for everything +flies to my poor head; she is killing me by degrees, and she thinks +herself a saint and takes the sacrament every month!" + +The countess was weeping bitterly, humiliated by the degradation of +the man, to whom she kept saying for all answer, "Monsieur! monsieur! +monsieur!" + +Though the count's words made me blush, more for him than for +Henriette, they stirred my heart violently, for they appealed to the +sense of chastity and delicacy which is indeed the very warp and woof +of first love. + +"She is virgin at my expense," cried the count. + +At these words the countess cried out, "Monsieur!" + +"What do you mean with your imperious 'Monsieur!'" he shouted. "Am I +not your master? Must I teach you that I am?" + +He came towards her, thrusting forward his white wolf's head, now +hideous, for his yellow eyes had a savage expression which made him +look like a wild beast rushing out of a wood. Henriette slid from her +chair to the ground to avoid a blow, which however was not given; she +lay at full length on the floor and lost consciousness, completely +exhausted. The count was like a murderer who feels the blood of his +victim spurting in his face; he stopped short, bewildered. I took the +poor woman in my arms, and the count let me take her, as though he +felt unworthy to touch her; but he went before me to open the door of +her bedroom next the salon,--a sacred room I had never entered. I put +the countess on her feet and held her for a moment in one arm, passing +the other round her waist, while Monsieur de Mortsauf took the +eider-down coverlet from the bed; then together we lifted her and laid +her, still dressed, on the bed. When she came to herself she motioned to +us to unfasten her belt. Monsieur de Mortsauf found a pair of scissors, +and cut through it; I made her breathe salts, and she opened her eyes. +The count left the room, more ashamed than sorry. Two hours passed in +perfect silence. Henriette's hand lay in mine; she pressed it to mine, +but could not speak. From time to time she opened her eyes as if to +tell me by a look that she wished to be still and silent; then +suddenly, for an instant, there seemed a change; she rose on her elbow +and whispered, "Unhappy man!--ah! if you did but know--" + +She fell back upon the pillow. The remembrance of her past sufferings, +joined to the present shock, threw her again into the nervous +convulsions I had just calmed by the magnetism of love,--a power then +unknown to me, but which I used instinctively. I held her with gentle +force, and she gave me a look which made me weep. When the nervous +motions ceased I smoothed her disordered hair, the first and only time +that I ever touched it; then I again took her hand and sat looking at +the room, all brown and gray, at the bed with its simple chintz +curtains, at the toilet table draped in a fashion now discarded, at +the commonplace sofa with its quilted mattress. What poetry I could +read in that room! What renunciations of luxury for herself; the only +luxury being its spotless cleanliness. Sacred cell of a married nun, +filled with holy resignation; its sole adornments were the crucifix of +her bed, and above it the portrait of her aunt; then, on each side of +the holy water basin, two drawings of the children made by herself, +with locks of their hair when they were little. What a retreat for a +woman whose appearance in the great world of fashion would have made +the handsomest of her sex jealous! Such was the chamber where the +daughter of an illustrious family wept out her days, sunken at this +moment in anguish, and denying herself the love that might have +comforted her. Hidden, irreparable woe! Tears of the victim for her +slayer, tears of the slayer for his victim! When the children and +waiting-woman came at length into the room I left it. The count was +waiting for me; he seemed to seek me as a mediating power between +himself and his wife. He caught my hands, exclaiming, "Stay, stay with +us, Felix!" + +"Unfortunately," I said, "Monsieur de Chessel has a party, and my +absence would cause remark. But after dinner I will return." + +He left the house when I did, and took me to the lower gate without +speaking; then he accompanied me to Frapesle, seeming not to know what +he was doing. At last I said to him, "For heaven's sake, Monsieur le +comte, let her manage your affairs if it pleases her, and don't +torment her." + +"I have not long to live," he said gravely; "she will not suffer long +through me; my head is giving way." + +He left me in a spasm of involuntary self-pity. After dinner I +returned for news of Madame de Mortsauf, who was already better. If +such were the joys of marriage, if such scenes were frequent, how +could she survive them long? What slow, unpunished murder was this? +During that day I understood the tortures by which the count was +wearing out his wife. Before what tribunal can we arraign such crimes? +These thoughts stunned me; I could say nothing to Henriette by word of +mouth, but I spent the night in writing to her. Of the three or four +letters that I wrote I have kept only the beginning of one, with which +I was not satisfied. Here it is, for though it seems to me to express +nothing, and to speak too much of myself when I ought only to have +thought of her, it will serve to show you the state my soul was in:-- + + To Madame de Mortsauf: + + How many things I had to say to you when I reached the house! I + thought of them on the way, but I forgot them in your presence. + Yes, when I see you, dear Henriette, I find my thoughts no longer + in keeping with the light from your soul which heightens your + beauty; then, too, the happiness of being near you is so ineffable + as to efface all other feelings. Each time we meet I am born into + a broader life; I am like the traveller who climbs a rock and sees + before him a new horizon. Each time you talk with me I add new + treasures to my treasury. There lies, I think, the secret of long + and inexhaustible affections. I can only speak to you of yourself + when away from you. In your presence I am too dazzled to see, too + happy to question my happiness, too full of you to be myself, too + eloquent through you to speak, too eager in seizing the present + moment to remember the past. You must think of this state of + intoxication and forgive me its consequent mistakes. + + When near you I can only feel. Yet, I have courage to say, dear + Henriette, that never, in all the many joys you have given me, + never did I taste such joy as filled my soul when, after that + dreadful storm through which you struggled with superhuman + courage, you came to yourself alone with me, in the twilight of + your chamber where that unhappy scene had brought me. I alone + know the light that shines from a woman when through the portals + of death she re-enters life with the dawn of a rebirth tinting her + brow. What harmonies were in your voice! How words, even your + words, seemed paltry when the sound of that adored voice--in + itself the echo of past pains mingled with divine consolations + --blessed me with the gift of your first thought. I knew you were + brilliant with all human splendor, but yesterday I found a new + Henriette, who might be mine if God so willed; I beheld a spirit + freed from the bodily trammels which repress the ardors of the + soul. Ah! thou wert beautiful indeed in thy weakness, majestic in + thy prostration. Yesterday I found something more beautiful than + thy beauty, sweeter than thy voice; lights more sparkling than the + light of thine eyes, perfumes for which there are no words + --yesterday thy soul was visible and palpable. Would I could have + opened my heart and made thee live there! Yesterday I lost the + respectful timidity with which thy presence inspires me; thy + weakness brought us nearer together. Then, when the crisis passed + and thou couldst bear our atmosphere once more, I knew what it was + to breathe in unison with thy breath. How many prayers rose up to + heaven in that moment! Since I did not die as I rushed through + space to ask of God that he would leave thee with me, no human + creature can die of joy nor yet of sorrow. That moment has left + memories buried in my soul which never again will reappear upon + its surface and leave me tearless. Yes, the fears with which my + soul was tortured yesterday are incomparably greater than all + sorrows that the future can bring upon me, just as the joys which + thou hast given me, dear eternal thought of my life! will be + forever greater than any future joy God may be pleased to grant + me. Thou hast made me comprehend the love divine, that sure love, + sure in strength and in duration, that knows no doubt or jealousy. + +Deepest melancholy gnawed my soul; the glimpse into that hidden life +was agonizing to a young heart new to social emotions; it was an awful +thing to find this abyss at the opening of life,--a bottomless abyss, +a Dead Sea. This dreadful aggregation of misfortunes suggested many +thoughts; at my first step into social life I found a standard of +comparison by which all other events and circumstances must seem +petty. + +The next day when I entered the salon she was there alone. She looked +at me for a moment, held out her hand, and said, "My friend is always +too tender." Her eyes grew moist; she rose, and then she added, in a +tone of desperate entreaty, "Never write thus to me again." + +Monsieur de Mortsauf was very kind. The countess had recovered her +courage and serenity; but her pallor betrayed the sufferings of the +previous night, which were calmed, but not extinguished. That evening +she said to me, as she paced among the autumn leaves which rustled +beneath our footsteps, "Sorrow is infinite; joys are limited,"--words +which betrayed her sufferings by the comparison she made with the +fleeting delights of the previous week. + +"Do not slander life," I said to her. "You are ignorant of love; love +gives happiness which shines in heaven." + +"Hush!" she said. "I wish to know nothing of it. The Icelander would +die in Italy. I am calm and happy beside you; I can tell you all my +thoughts; do not destroy my confidence. Why will you not combine the +virtue of the priest with the charm of a free man." + +"You make me drink the hemlock!" I cried, taking her hand and laying +it on my heart, which was beating fast. + +"Again!" she said, withdrawing her hand as if it pained her. "Are you +determined to deny me the sad comfort of letting my wounds be stanched +by a friendly hand? Do not add to my sufferings; you do not know them +all; those that are hidden are the worst to bear. If you were a woman +you would know the melancholy disgust that fills her soul when she +sees herself the object of attentions which atone for nothing, but are +thought to atone for all. For the next few days I shall be courted and +caressed, that I may pardon the wrong that has been done. I could then +obtain consent to any wish of mine, however unreasonable. I am +humiliated by his humility, by caresses which will cease as soon as he +imagines that I have forgotten that scene. To owe our master's good +graces to his faults--" + +"His crimes!" I interrupted quickly. + +"Is not that a frightful condition of existence?" she continued, with +a sad smile. "I cannot use this transient power. At such times I am +like the knights who could not strike a fallen adversary. To see in +the dust a man whom we ought to honor, to raise him only to enable him +to deal other blows, to suffer from his degradation more than he +suffers himself, to feel ourselves degraded if we profit by such +influence for even a useful end, to spend our strength, to waste the +vigor of our souls in struggles that have no grandeur, to have no +power except for a moment when a fatal crisis comes--ah, better death! +If I had no children I would let myself drift on the wretched current +of this life; but if I lose my courage, what will become of them? I +must live for them, however cruel this life may be. You talk to me of +love. Ah! my dear friend, think of the hell into which I should fling +myself if I gave that pitiless being, pitiless like all weak +creatures, the right to despise me. The purity of my conduct is my +strength. Virtue, dear friend, is holy water in which we gain fresh +strength, from which we issue renewed in the love of God." + +"Listen to me, dear Henriette; I have only another week to stay here, +and I wish--" + +"Ah, you mean to leave us!" she exclaimed. + +"You must know what my father intends to do with me," I replied. "It +is now three months--" + +"I have not counted the days," she said, with momentary +self-abandonment. Then she checked herself and cried, "Come, let us +go to Frapesle." + +She called the count and the children, sent for a shawl, and when all +were ready she, usually so calm and slow in all her movements, became +as active as a Parisian, and we started in a body to pay a visit at +Frapesle which the countess did not owe. She forced herself to talk to +Madame de Chessel, who was fortunately discursive in her answers. The +count and Monsieur de Chessel conversed on business. I was afraid the +former might boast of his carriage and horses; but he committed no +such solecisms. His neighbor questioned him about his projected +improvements at the Cassine and the Rhetoriere. I looked at the count, +wondering if he would avoid a subject of conversation so full of +painful memories to all, so cruelly mortifying to him. On the +contrary, he explained how urgent a duty it was to better the +agricultural condition of the canton, to build good houses and make +the premises salubrious; in short, he glorified himself with his +wife's ideas. I blushed as I looked at her. Such want of scruple in a +man who, on certain occasions, could be scrupulous enough, this +oblivion of the dreadful scene, this adoption of ideas against which +he had fought so violently, this confident belief in himself, +petrified me. + +When Monsieur de Chessel said to him, "Do you expect to recover your +outlay?" + +"More than recover it!" he exclaimed, with a confident gesture. + +Such contradictions can be explained only by the word "insanity." +Henriette, celestial creature, was radiant. The count was appearing to +be a man of intelligence, a good administrator, an excellent +agriculturist; she played with her boy's curly head, joyous for him, +happy for herself. What a comedy of pain, what mockery in this drama; +I was horrified by it. Later in life, when the curtain of the world's +stage was lifted before me, how many other Mortsaufs I saw without the +loyalty and the religious faith of this man. What strange, relentless +power is it that perpetually awards an angel to a madman; to a man of +heart, of true poetic passion, a base woman; to the petty, grandeur; +to this demented brain, a beautiful, sublime being; to Juana, Captain +Diard, whose history at Bordeaux I have told you; to Madame de +Beauseant, an Ajuda; to Madame d'Aiglemont, her husband; to the +Marquis d'Espard, his wife! Long have I sought the meaning of this +enigma. I have ransacked many mysteries, I have discovered the reason +of many natural laws, the purport of some divine hieroglyphics; of the +meaning of this dark secret I know nothing. I study it as I would the +form of an Indian weapon, the symbolic construction of which is known +only to the Brahmans. In this dread mystery the spirit of Evil is too +visibly the master; I dare not lay the blame to God. Anguish +irremediable, what power finds amusement in weaving you? Can Henriette +and her mysterious philosopher be right? Does their mysticism contain +the explanation of humanity? + +The autumn leaves were falling during the last few days which I passed +in the valley, days of lowering clouds, which do sometimes obscure the +heaven of Touraine, so pure, so warm at that fine season. The evening +before my departure Madame de Mortsauf took me to the terrace before +dinner. + +"My dear Felix," she said, after we had taken a turn in silence under +the leafless trees, "you are about to enter the world, and I wish to +go with you in thought. Those who have suffered much have lived and +known much. Do not think that solitary souls know nothing of the +world; on the contrary, they are able to judge it. Hear me: If I am to +live in and for my friend I must do what I can for his heart and for +his conscience. When the conflict rages it is hard to remember rules; +therefore let me give you a few instructions, the warnings of a mother +to her son. The day you leave us I shall give you a letter, a long +letter, in which you will find my woman's thoughts on the world, on +society, on men, on the right methods of meeting difficulty in this +great clash of human interests. Promise me not to read this letter +till you reach Paris. I ask it from a fanciful sentiment, one of those +secrets of womanhood not impossible to understand, but which we grieve +to find deciphered; leave me this covert way where as a woman I wish +to walk alone." + +"Yes, I promise it," I said, kissing her hand. + +"Ah," she added, "I have one more promise to ask of you; but grant it +first." + +"Yes, yes!" I cried, thinking it was surely a promise of fidelity. + +"It does not concern myself," she said smiling, with some bitterness. +"Felix, do not gamble in any house, no matter whose it be; I except +none." + +"I will never play at all," I replied. + +"Good," she said. "I have found a better use for your time than to +waste it on cards. The end will be that where others must sooner or +later be losers you will invariably win." + +"How so?" + +"The letter will tell you," she said, with a playful smile, which took +from her advice the serious tone which might certainly have been that +of a grandfather. + +The countess talked to me for an hour, and proved the depth of her +affection by the study she had made of my nature during the last three +months. She penetrated the recesses of my heart, entering it with her +own; the tones of her voice were changeful and convincing; the words +fell from maternal lips, showing by their tone as well as by their +meaning how many ties already bound us to each other. + +"If you knew," she said in conclusion, "with what anxiety I shall +follow your course, what joy I shall feel if you walk straight, what +tears I must shed if you strike against the angles! Believe that my +affection has no equal; it is involuntary and yet deliberate. Ah, I +would that I might see you happy, powerful, respected,--you who are to +me a living dream." + +She made me weep, so tender and so terrible was she. Her feelings came +boldly to the surface, yet they were too pure to give the slightest +hope even to a young man thirsting for pleasure. Ignoring my tortured +flesh, she shed the rays, undeviating, incorruptible, of the divine +love, which satisfies the soul only. She rose to heights whither the +prismatic pinions of a love like mine were powerless to bear me. To +reach her a man must needs have won the white wings of the seraphim. + +"In all that happens to me I will ask myself," I said, "'What would my +Henriette say?'" + +"Yes, I will be the star and the sanctuary both," she said, alluding +to the dreams of my childhood. + +"You are my light and my religion," I cried; "you shall be my all." + +"No," she answered; "I can never be the source of your pleasures." + +She sighed; the smile of secret pain was on her lips, the smile of the +slave who momentarily revolts. From that day forth she was to me, not +merely my beloved, but my only love; she was not IN my heart as a +woman who takes a place, who makes it hers by devotion or by excess of +pleasure given; but she was my heart itself,--it was all hers, a +something necessary to the play of my muscles. She became to me as +Beatrice to the Florentine, as the spotless Laura to the Venetian, the +mother of great thoughts, the secret cause of resolutions which saved +me, the support of my future, the light shining in the darkness like a +lily in a wood. Yes, she inspired those high resolves which pass +through flames, which save the thing in peril; she gave me a constancy +like Coligny's to vanquish conquerors, to rise above defeat, to weary +the strongest wrestler. + +The next day, having breakfasted at Frapesle and bade adieu to my kind +hosts, I went to Clochegourde. Monsieur and Madame de Mortsauf had +arranged to drive with me to Tours, whence I was to start the same +night for Paris. During the drive the countess was silent; she +pretended at first to have a headache; then she blushed at the +falsehood, and expiated it by saying that she could not see me go +without regret. The count invited me to stay with them whenever, in +the absence of the Chessels, I might long to see the valley of the +Indre once more. We parted heroically, without apparent tears, but +Jacques, who like other delicate children was quickly touched, began +to cry, while Madeleine, already a woman, pressed her mother's hand. + +"Dear little one!" said the countess, kissing Jacques passionately. + +When I was alone at Tours after dinner a wild, inexplicable desire +known only to young blood possessed me. I hired a horse and rode from +Tours to Pont-de-Ruan in an hour and a quarter. There, ashamed of my +folly, I dismounted, and went on foot along the road, stepping +cautiously like a spy till I reached the terrace. The countess was not +there, and I imagined her ill; I had kept the key of the little gate, +by which I now entered; she was coming down the steps of the portico +with the two children to breathe in sadly and slowly the tender +melancholy of the landscape, bathed at that moment in the setting sun. + +"Mother, here is Felix," said Madeleine. + +"Yes," I whispered; "it is I. I asked myself why I should stay at +Tours while I still could see you; why not indulge a desire that in a +few days more I could not gratify." + +"He won't leave us again, mother," cried Jacques, jumping round me. + +"Hush!" said Madeleine; "if you make such a noise the general will +come." + +"It is not right," she said. "What folly!" + +The tears in her voice were the payment of what must be called a +usurious speculation of love. + +"I had forgotten to return this key," I said smiling. + +"Then you will never return," she said. + +"Can we ever be really parted?" I asked, with a look which made her +drop her eyelids for all answer. + +I left her after a few moments passed in that happy stupor of the +spirit where exaltation ends and ecstasy begins. I went with lagging +step, looking back at every minute. When, from the summit of the hill, +I saw the valley for the last time I was struck with the contrast it +presented to what it was when I first came there. Then it was verdant, +then it glowed, glowed and blossomed like my hopes and my desires. +Initiated now into the gloomy secrets of a family, sharing the anguish +of a Christian Niobe, sad with her sadness, my soul darkened, I saw +the valley in the tone of my own thoughts. The fields were bare, the +leaves of the poplars falling, the few that remained were rusty, the +vine-stalks were burned, the tops of the trees were tan-colored, like +the robes in which royalty once clothed itself as if to hide the +purple of its power beneath the brown of grief. Still in harmony with +my thoughts, the valley, where the yellow rays of the setting sun were +coldly dying, seemed to me a living image of my heart. + +To leave a beloved woman is terrible or natural, according as the mind +takes it. For my part, I found myself suddenly in a strange land of +which I knew not the language. I was unable to lay hold of things to +which my soul no longer felt attachment. Then it was that the height +and the breadth of my love came before me; my Henriette rose in all +her majesty in this desert where I existed only through thoughts of +her. That form so worshipped made me vow to keep myself spotless +before my soul's divinity, to wear ideally the white robe of the +Levite, like Petrarch, who never entered Laura's presence unless +clothed in white. With what impatience I awaited the first night of my +return to my father's roof, when I could read the letter which I felt +of during the journey as a miser fingers the bank-bills he carries +about him. During the night I kissed the paper on which my Henriette +had manifested her will; I sought to gather the mysterious emanations +of her hand, to recover the intonations of her voice in the hush of my +being. Since then I have never read her letters except as I read that +first letter; in bed, amid total silence. I cannot understand how the +letters of our beloved can be read in any other way; yet there are +men, unworthy to be loved, who read such letters in the turmoil of the +day, laying them aside and taking them up again with odious composure. + +Here, Natalie, is the voice which echoed through the silence of that +night. Behold the noble figure which stood before me and pointed to +the right path among the cross-ways at which I stood. + + To Monsieur le Vicomte Felix de Vandenesse: + + What happiness for me, dear friend, to gather the scattered + elements of my experience that I may arm you against the dangers + of the world, through which I pray that you pass scatheless. I + have felt the highest pleasures of maternal love as night after + night I have thought of these things. While writing this letter, + sentence by sentence, projecting my thoughts into the life you are + about to lead, I went often to my window. Looking at the towers of + Frapesle, visible in the moonlight, I said to myself, "He sleeps, + I wake for him." Delightful feelings! which recall the happiest of + my life, when I watched Jacques sleeping in his cradle and waited + till he wakened, to feed him with my milk. You are the man-child + whose soul must now be strengthened by precepts never taught in + schools, but which we women have the privilege of inculcating. + These precepts will influence your success; they prepare the way + for it, they will secure it. Am I not exercising a spiritual + motherhood in giving you a standard by which to judge the actions + of your life; a motherhood comprehended, is it not, by the child? + Dear Felix, let me, even though I may make a few mistakes, let me + give to our friendship a proof of the disinterestedness which + sanctifies it. + + In yielding you to the world I am renouncing you; but I love you + too well not to sacrifice my happiness to your welfare. For the + last four months you have made me reflect deeply on the laws and + customs which regulate our epoch. The conversations I have had + with my aunt, well-known to you who have replaced her, the events + of Monsieur de Mortsauf's life, which he has told me, the tales + related by my father, to whom society and the court are familiar + in their greatest as well as in their smallest aspects, all these + have risen in my memory for the benefit of my adopted child at the + moment when he is about to be launched, well-nigh alone, among + men; about to act without adviser in a world where many are + wrecked by their own best qualities thoughtlessly displayed, while + others succeed through a judicious use of their worst. + + I ask you to ponder this statement of my opinion of society as a + whole; it is concise, for to you a few words are sufficient. + + I do not know whether societies are of divine origin or whether + they were invented by man. I am equally ignorant of the direction + in which they tend. What I do know certainly is the fact of their + existence. No sooner therefore do you enter society, instead of + living a life apart, than you are bound to consider its conditions + binding; a contract is signed between you. Does society in these + days gain more from a man than it returns to him? I think so; but + as to whether the individual man finds more cost than profit, or + buys too dear the advantages he obtains, concerns the legislator + only; I have nothing to say to that. In my judgment you are bound + to obey in all things the general law, without discussion, whether + it injures or benefits your personal interests. This principle may + seem to you a very simple one, but it is difficult of application; + it is like sap, which must infiltrate the smallest of the + capillary tubes to stir the tree, renew its verdure, develop its + flowers, and ripen fruit. Dear, the laws of society are not all + written in a book; manners and customs create laws, the more + important of which are often the least known. Believe me, there + are neither teachers, nor schools, nor text-books for the laws + that are now to regulate your actions, your language, your visible + life, the manner of your presentation to the world, and your quest + of fortune. Neglect those secret laws or fail to understand them, + and you stay at the foot of the social system instead of looking + down upon it. Even though this letter may seem to you diffuse, + telling you much that you have already thought, let me confide to + you a woman's ethics. + + To explain society on the theory of individual happiness adroitly + won at the cost of the greater number is a monstrous doctrine, + which in its strict application leads men to believe that all they + can secretly lay hold of before the law or society or other + individuals condemn it as a wrong is honestly and fairly theirs. + Once admit that claim and the clever thief goes free; the woman + who violates her marriage vow without the knowledge of the world + is virtuous and happy; kill a man, leaving no proof for justice, + and if, like Macbeth, you win a crown you have done wisely; your + selfish interests become the higher law; the only question then is + how to evade, without witnesses or proof, the obstacles which law + and morality place between you and your self-indulgence. To those + who hold this view of society, the problem of making their + fortune, my dear friend, resolves itself into playing a game where + the stakes are millions or the galleys, political triumphs or + dishonor. Still, the green cloth is not long enough for all the + players, and a certain kind of genius is required to play the + game. I say nothing of religious beliefs, nor yet of feelings; + what concerns us now is the running-gear of the great machine of + gold and iron, and its practical results with which men's lives + are occupied. Dear child of my heart, if you share my horror at + this criminal theory of the world, society will present to your + mind, as it does to all sane minds, the opposite theory of duty. + Yes, you will see that man owes himself to man in a thousand + differing ways. To my mind, the duke and peer owe far more to the + workman and the pauper than the pauper and the workman owe to the + duke. The obligations of duty enlarge in proportion to the + benefits which society bestows on men; in accordance with the + maxim, as true in social politics as in business, that the burden + of care and vigilance is everywhere in proportion to profits. Each + man pays his debt in his own way. When our poor toiler at the + Rhetoriere comes home weary with his day's work has he not done + his duty? Assuredly he has done it better than many in the ranks + above him. + + If you take this view of society, in which you are about to seek a + place in keeping with your intellect and your faculties, you must + set before you as a generating principle and mainspring, this + maxim: never permit yourself to act against either your own + conscience or the public conscience. Though my entreaty may seem + to you superfluous, yet I entreat, yes, your Henriette implores + you to ponder the meaning of that rule. It seems simple but, dear, + it means that integrity, loyalty, honor, and courtesy are the + safest and surest instruments for your success. In this selfish + world you will find many to tell you that a man cannot make his + way by sentiments, that too much respect for moral considerations + will hinder his advance. It is not so; you will see men + ill-trained, ill-taught, incapable of measuring the future, who are + rough to a child, rude to an old woman, unwilling to be irked by + some worthy old man on the ground that they can do nothing for + him; later, you will find the same men caught by the thorns which + they might have rendered pointless, and missing their triumph for + some trivial reason; whereas the man who is early trained to a + sense of duty does not meet the same obstacles; he may attain + success less rapidly, but when attained it is solid and does not + crumble like that of others. + + When I show you that the application of this doctrine demands in + the first place a mastery of the science of manners, you may think + my jurisprudence has a flavor of the court and of the training I + received as a Lenoncourt. My dear friend, I do attach great + importance to that training, trifling as it seems. You will find + that the habits of the great world are as important to you as the + wide and varied knowledge that you possess. Often they take the + place of such knowledge; for some really ignorant men, born with + natural gifts and accustomed to give connection to their ideas, + have been known to attain a grandeur never reached by others far + more worthy of it. I have studied you thoroughly, Felix, wishing + to know if your education, derived wholly from schools, has + injured your nature. God knows the joy with which I find you fit + for that further education of which I speak. + + The manners of many who are brought up in the traditions of the + great world are purely external; true politeness, perfect manners, + come from the heart, and from a deep sense of personal dignity. + This is why some men of noble birth are, in spite of their + training, ill-mannered, while others, among the middle classes, + have instinctive good taste and only need a few lessons to give + them excellent manners without any signs of awkward imitation. + Believe a poor woman who no longer leaves her valley when she + tells you that this dignity of tone, this courteous simplicity in + words, in gesture, in bearing, and even in the character of the + home, is a living and material poem, the charm of which is + irresistible; imagine therefore what it is when it takes its + inspiration from the heart. Politeness, dear, consists in seeming + to forget ourselves for others; with many it is social cant, laid + aside when personal self-interest shows its cloven-foot; a noble + then becomes ignoble. But--and this is what I want you to + practise, Felix--true politeness involves a Christian principle; + it is the flower of Love, it requires that we forget ourselves + really. In memory of your Henriette, for her sake, be not a + fountain without water, have the essence and the form of true + courtesy. Never fear to be the dupe and victim of this social + virtue; you will some day gather the fruit of seeds scattered + apparently to the winds. + + My father used to say that one of the great offences of sham + politeness was the neglect of promises. When anything is demanded + of you that you cannot do, refuse positively and leave no + loopholes for false hopes; on the other hand, grant at once + whatever you are willing to bestow. Your prompt refusal will make + you friends as well as your prompt benefit, and your character + will stand the higher; for it is hard to say whether a promise + forgotten, a hope deceived does not make us more enemies than a + favor granted brings us friends. + + Dear friend, there are certain little matters on which I may + dwell, for I know them, and it comes within my province to impart + them. Be not too confiding, nor frivolous, nor over enthusiastic, + --three rocks on which youth often strikes. Too confiding a nature + loses respect, frivolity brings contempt, and others take + advantage of excessive enthusiasm. In the first place, Felix, you + will never have more than two or three friends in the course of + your life. Your entire confidence is their right; to give it to + many is to betray your real friends. If you are more intimate with + some men than with others keep guard over yourself; be as cautious + as though you knew they would one day be your rivals, or your + enemies; the chances and changes of life require this. Maintain an + attitude which is neither cold nor hot; find the medium point at + which a man can safely hold intercourse with others without + compromising himself. Yes, believe me, the honest man is as far + from the base cowardice of Philinte as he is from the harsh virtue + of Alceste. The genius of the poet is displayed in the mind of + this true medium; certainly all minds do enjoy more the ridicule + of virtue than the sovereign contempt of easy-going selfishness + which underlies that picture of it; but all, nevertheless, are + prompted to keep themselves from either extreme. + + As to frivolity, if it causes fools to proclaim you a charming + man, others who are accustomed to judge of men's capacities and + fathom character, will winnow out your tare and bring you to + disrepute, for frivolity is the resource of weak natures, and + weakness is soon appraised in a society which regards its members + as nothing more than organs--and perhaps justly, for nature + herself puts to death imperfect beings. A woman's protecting + instincts may be roused by the pleasure she feels in supporting + the weak against the strong, and in leading the intelligence of + the heart to victory over the brutality of matter; but society, + less a mother than a stepmother, adores only the children who + flatter her vanity. + + As to ardent enthusiasm, that first sublime mistake of youth, + which finds true happiness in using its powers, and begins by + being its own dupe before it is the dupe of others, keep it within + the region of the heart's communion, keep it for woman and for + God. Do not hawk its treasures in the bazaars of society or of + politics, where trumpery will be offered in exchange for them. + Believe the voice which commands you to be noble in all things + when it also prays you not to expend your forces uselessly. + Unhappily, men will rate you according to your usefulness, and not + according to your worth. To use an image which I think will strike + your poetic mind, let a cipher be what it may, immeasurable in + size, written in gold, or written in pencil, it is only a cipher + after all. A man of our times has said, "No zeal, above all, no + zeal!" The lesson may be sad, but it is true, and it saves the + soul from wasting its bloom. Hide your pure sentiments, or put + them in regions inaccessible, where their blossoms may be + passionately admired, where the artist may dream amorously of his + master-piece. But duties, my friend, are not sentiments. To do + what we ought is by no means to do what we like. A man who would + give his life enthusiastically for a woman must be ready to die + coldly for his country. + + One of the most important rules in the science of manners is that + of almost absolute silence about ourselves. Play a little comedy + for your own instruction; talk of yourself to acquaintances, tell + them about your sufferings, your pleasures, your business, and you + will see how indifference succeeds pretended interest; then + annoyance follows, and if the mistress of the house does not find + some civil way of stopping you the company will disappear under + various pretexts adroitly seized. Would you, on the other hand, + gather sympathies about you and be spoken of as amiable and witty, + and a true friend? talk to others of themselves, find a way to + bring them forward, and brows will clear, lips will smile, and + after you leave the room all present will praise you. Your + conscience and the voice of your own heart will show you the line + where the cowardice of flattery begins and the courtesy of + intercourse ceases. + + One word more about a young man's demeanor in public. My dear + friend, youth is always inclined to a rapidity of judgment which + does it honor, but also injury. This was why the old system of + education obliged young people to keep silence and study life in a + probationary period beside their elders. Formerly, as you know, + nobility, like art, had its apprentices, its pages, devoted body + and soul to the masters who maintained them. To-day youth is + forced in a hot-house; it is trained to judge of thoughts, + actions, and writings with biting severity; it slashes with a + blade that has not been fleshed. Do not make this mistake. Such + judgments will seem like censures to many about you, who would + sooner pardon an open rebuke than a secret wound. Young people are + pitiless because they know nothing of life and its difficulties. + The old critic is kind and considerate, the young critic is + implacable; the one knows nothing, the other knows all. Moreover, + at the bottom of all human actions there is a labyrinth of + determining reasons on which God reserves for himself the final + judgment. Be severe therefore to none but yourself. + + Your future is before you; but no one in the world can make his + way unaided. Therefore, make use of my father's house; its doors + are open to you; the connections that you will create for yourself + under his roof will serve you in a hundred ways. But do not yield + an inch of ground to my mother; she will crush any one who gives + up to her, but she will admire the courage of whoever resists her. + She is like iron, which if beaten, can be fused with iron, but + when cold will break everything less hard than itself. Cultivate + my mother; for if she thinks well of you she will introduce you + into certain houses where you can acquire the fatal science of the + world, the art of listening, speaking, answering, presenting + yourself to the company and taking leave of it; the precise use of + language, the something--how shall I explain it?--which is no more + superiority than the coat is the man, but without which the + highest talent in the world will never be admitted within those + portals. + + I know you well enough to be quite sure I indulge no illusion when + I imagine that I see you as I wish you to be; simple in manners, + gentle in tone, proud without conceit, respectful to the old, + courteous without servility, above all, discreet. Use your wit but + never display it for the amusement of others; for be sure that if + your brilliancy annoys an inferior man, he will retire from the + field and say of you in a tone of contempt, "He is very amusing." + Let your superiority be leonine. Moreover, do not be always + seeking to please others. I advise a certain coldness in your + relations with men, which may even amount to indifference; this + will not anger others, for all persons esteem those who slight + them; and it will win you the favor of women, who will respect you + for the little consequence that you attach to men. Never remain in + company with those who have lost their reputation, even though + they may not have deserved to do so; for society holds us + responsible for our friendships as well as for our enmities. In + this matter let your judgments be slowly and maturely weighed, but + see that they are irrevocable. When the men whom you have repulsed + justify the repulsion, your esteem and regard will be all the more + sought after; you have inspired the tacit respect which raises a + man among his peers. I behold you now armed with a youth that + pleases, grace which attracts, and wisdom with which to preserve + your conquests. All that I have now told you can be summed up in + two words, two old-fashioned words, "Noblesse oblige." + + Now apply these precepts to the management of life. You will hear + many persons say that strategy is the chief element of success; + that the best way to press through the crowd is to set some men + against other men and so take their places. That was a good system + for the Middle Ages, when princes had to destroy their rivals by + pitting one against the other; but in these days, all things being + done in open day, I am afraid it would do you ill-service. No, you + must meet your competitors face to face, be they loyal and true + men, or traitorous enemies whose weapons are calumny, + evil-speaking, and fraud. But remember this, you have no more + powerful auxiliaries than these men themselves; they are their own + enemies; fight them with honest weapons, and sooner or later they + are condemned. As to the first of them, loyal men and true, your + straightforwardness will obtain their respect, and the differences + between you once settled (for all things can be settled), these + men will serve you. Do not be afraid of making enemies; woe to him + who has none in the world you are about to enter; but try to give + no handle for ridicule or disparagement. I say _try_, for in Paris a + man cannot always belong solely to himself; he is sometimes at the + mercy of circumstances; you will not always be able to avoid the + mud in the gutter nor the tile that falls from the roof. The moral + world has gutters where persons of no reputation endeavor to + splash the mud in which they live upon men of honor. But you can + always compel respect by showing that you are, under all + circumstances, immovable in your principles. In the conflict of + opinions, in the midst of quarrels and cross-purposes, go straight + to the point, keep resolutely to the question; never fight except + for the essential thing, and put your whole strength into that. + You know how Monsieur de Mortsauf hates Napoleon, how he curses + him and pursues him as justice does a criminal; demanding + punishment day and night for the death of the Duc d'Enghien, the + only death, the only misfortune, that ever brought the tears to + his eyes; well, he nevertheless admired him as the greatest of + captains, and has often explained to me his strategy. May not the + same tactics be applied to the war of human interests; they would + economize time as heretofore they economized men and space. Think + this over, for as a woman I am liable to be mistaken on such + points which my sex judges only by instinct and sentiment. One + point, however, I may insist on; all trickery, all deception, is + certain to be discovered and to result in doing harm; whereas + every situation presents less danger if a man plants himself + firmly on his own truthfulness. If I may cite my own case, I can + tell you that, obliged as I am by Monsieur de Mortsauf's condition + to avoid litigation and to bring to an immediate settlement all + difficulties which arise in the management of Clochegourde, and + which would otherwise cause him an excitement under which his mind + would succumb, I have invariably settled matters promptly by + taking hold of the knot of the difficulty and saying to our + opponents: "We will either untie it or cut it!" + + It will often happen that you do a service to others and find + yourself ill-rewarded; I beg you not to imitate those who complain + of men and declare them to be all ungrateful. That is putting + themselves on a pedestal indeed! and surely it is somewhat silly + to admit their lack of knowledge of the world. But you, I trust, + will not do good as a usurer lends his money; you will do it--will + you not?--for good's sake. Noblesse oblige. Nevertheless, do not + bestow such services as to force others to ingratitude, for if you + do, they will become your most implacable enemies; obligations + sometimes lead to despair, like the despair of ruin itself, which + is capable of very desperate efforts. As for yourself, accept as + little as you can from others. Be no man's vassal; and bring + yourself out of your own difficulties. + + You see, dear friend, I am advising you only on the lesser points + of life. In the world of politics things wear a different aspect; + the rules which are to guide your individual steps give way before + the national interests. If you reach that sphere where great men + revolve you will be, like God himself, the sole arbiter of your + determinations. You will no longer be a man, but law, the living + law; no longer an individual, you are then the Nation incarnate. + But remember this, though you judge, you will yourself be judged; + hereafter you will be summoned before the ages, and you know + history well enough to be fully informed as to what deeds and what + sentiments have led to true grandeur. + + I now come to a serious matter, your conduct towards women. + Wherever you visit make it a principle not to fritter yourself + away in a petty round of gallantry. A man of the last century who + had great social success never paid attention to more than one + woman of an evening, choosing the one who seemed the most + neglected. That man, my dear child, controlled his epoch. He + wisely reckoned that by a given time all women would speak well of + him. Many young men waste their most precious possession, namely, + the time necessary to create connections which contribute more + than all else to social success. Your springtime is short, + endeavor to make the most of it. Cultivate influential women. + Influential women are old women; they will teach you the + intermarriages and the secrets of all the families of the great + world; they will show you the cross-roads which will bring you + soonest to your goal. They will be fond of you. The bestowal of + protection is their last form of love--when they are not devout. + They will do you innumerable good services; sing your praises and + make you desirable to society. Avoid young women. Do not think I + say this from personal self-interest. The woman of fifty will do + all for you, the woman of twenty will do nothing; she wants your + whole life while the other asks only a few attentions. Laugh with + the young women, meet them for pastime merely; they are incapable + of serious thought. Young women, dear friend, are selfish, vain, + petty, ignorant of true friendship; they love no one but + themselves; they would sacrifice you to an evening's success. + Besides, they all want absolute devotion, and your present + situation requires that devotion be shown to you; two + irreconcilable needs! None of these young women would enter into + your interests; they would think of themselves and not of you; + they would injure you more by their emptiness and frivolity than + they could serve you by their love; they will waste your time + unscrupulously, hinder your advance to fortune, and end by + destroying your future with the best grace possible. If you + complain, the silliest of them will make you think that her glove + is more precious than fortune, and that nothing is so glorious as + to be her slave. They will all tell you that they bestow + happiness, and thus lull you to forget your nobler destiny. + Believe me, the happiness they give is transitory; your great + career will endure. You know not with what perfidious cleverness + they contrive to satisfy their caprices, nor the art with which + they will convert your passing fancy into a love which ought to be + eternal. The day when they abandon you they will tell you that the + words, "I no longer love you," are a full justification of their + conduct, just as the words, "I love," justified their winning you; + they will declare that love is involuntary and not to be coerced. + Absurd! Believe me, dear, true love is eternal, infinite, always + like unto itself; it is equable, pure, without violent + demonstration; white hair often covers the head but the heart that + holds it is ever young. No such love is found among the women of + the world; all are playing comedy; this one will interest you by + her misfortunes; she seems the gentlest and least exacting of her + sex, but when once she is necessary to you, you will feel the + tyranny of weakness and will do her will; you may wish to be a + diplomat, to go and come, and study men and interests,--no, you + must stay in Paris, or at her country-place, sewn to her + petticoat, and the more devotion you show the more ungrateful and + exacting she will be. Another will attract you by her + submissiveness; she will be your attendant, follow you + romantically about, compromise herself to keep you, and be the + millstone about your neck. You will drown yourself some day, but + the woman will come to the surface. + + The least manoeuvring of these women of the world have many nets. + The silliest triumph because too foolish to excite distrust. The + one to be feared least may be the woman of gallantry whom you love + without exactly knowing why; she will leave you for no motive and + go back to you out of vanity. All these women will injure you, + either in the present or the future. Every young woman who enters + society and lives a life of pleasure and of gratified vanity is + semi-corrupt and will corrupt you. Among them you will not find + the chaste and tranquil being in whom you may forever reign. Ah! + she who loves you will love solitude; the festivals of her heart + will be your glances; she will live upon your words. May she be + all the world to you, for you will be all in all to her. Love her + well; give her neither griefs nor rivals; do not rouse her + jealousy. To be loved, dear, to be comprehended, is the greatest + of all joys; I pray that you may taste it! But run no risk of + injuring the flower of your soul; be sure, be very sure of the + heart in which you place your affections. That woman will never be + her own self; she will never think of herself, but of you. She + will never oppose you, she will have no interests of her own; for + you she will see a danger where you can see none and where she + would be oblivious of her own. If she suffers it will be in + silence; she will have no personal vanity, but deep reverence for + whatever in her has won your love. Respond to such a love by + surpassing it. If you are fortunate enough to find that which I, + your poor friend, must ever be without, I mean a love mutually + inspired, mutually felt, remember that in a valley lives a mother + whose heart is so filled with the feelings you have put there that + you can never sound its depths. Yes, I bear you an affection which + you will never know to its full extent; before it could show + itself for what it is you would have to lose your mind and + intellect, and then you would be unable to comprehend the length + and breadth of my devotion. + + Shall I be misunderstood in bidding you avoid young women (all + more or less artful, satirical, vain, frivolous, and extravagant) + and attach yourself to influential women, to those imposing + dowagers full of excellent good-sense, like my aunt, who will help + your career, defend you from attacks, and say for you the things + that you cannot say for yourself? Am I not, on the contrary, + generous in bidding you reserve your love for the coming angel + with the guileless heart? If the motto Noblesse oblige sums up the + advice I gave you just now, my further advice on your relations to + women is based upon that other motto of chivalry, "Serve all, love + one!" + + Your educational knowledge is immense; your heart, saved by early + suffering, is without a stain; all is noble, all is well with you. + Now, Felix, WILL! Your future lies in that one word, that word of + great men. My child, you will obey your Henriette, will you not? + You will permit her to tell you from time to time the thoughts + that are in her mind of you and of your relations to the world? I + have an eye in my soul which sees the future for you as for my + children; suffer me to use that faculty for your benefit; it is a + faculty, a mysterious gift bestowed by my lonely life; far from + its growing weaker, I find it strengthened and exalted by solitude + and silence. + + I ask you in return to bestow a happiness on me; I desire to see + you becoming more and more important among men, without one single + success that shall bring a line of shame upon my brow; I desire + that you may quickly bring your fortunes to the level of your + noble name, and be able to tell me I have contributed to your + advancement by something better than a wish. This secret + co-operation in your future is the only pleasure I can allow + myself. For it, I will wait and hope. + + I do not say farewell. We are separated; you cannot put my hand to + your lips, but you must surely know the place you hold in the + heart of your + +Henriette. + + +As I read this letter I felt the maternal heart beating beneath my +fingers which held the paper while I was still cold from the harsh +greeting of my own mother. I understood why the countess had forbidden +me to open it in Touraine; no doubt she feared that I would fall at +her feet and wet them with my tears. + +I now made the acquaintance of my brother Charles, who up to this time +had been a stranger to me. But in all our intercourse he showed a +haughtiness which kept us apart and prevented brotherly affection. +Kindly feelings depend on similarity of soul, and there was no point +of touch between us. He preached to me dogmatically those social +trifles which head or heart can see without instruction; he seemed to +mistrust me. If I had not had the inward support of my great love he +would have made me awkward and stupid by affecting to believe that I +knew nothing of life. He presented me in society under the expectation +that my dulness would be a foil to his qualities. Had I not remembered +the sorrows of my childhood I might have taken his protecting vanity +for brotherly affection; but inward solitude produces the same effects +as outward solitude; silence within our souls enables us to hear the +faintest sound; the habit of taking refuge within ourselves develops a +perception which discerns every quality of the affections about us. +Before I knew Madame de Mortsauf a hard look grieved me, a rough word +wounded me to the heart; I bewailed these things without as yet +knowing anything of a life of tenderness; whereas now, since my return +from Clochegourde, I could make comparisons which perfected my +instinctive perceptions. All deductions derived only from sufferings +endured are incomplete. Happiness has a light to cast. I now allowed +myself the more willingly to be kept under the heel of primogeniture +because I was not my brother's dupe. + +I always went alone to the Duchesse de Lenoncourt's, where Henriette's +name was never mentioned; no one, except the good old duke, who was +simplicity itself, ever spoke of her to me; but by the way he welcomed +me I guessed that his daughter had privately commended me to his care. +At the moment when I was beginning to overcome the foolish wonder and +shyness which besets a young man at his first entrance into the great +world, and to realize the pleasures it could give through the +resources it offers to ambition, just, too, as I was beginning to make +use of Henriette's maxims, admiring their wisdom, the events of the +20th of March took place. + +My brother followed the court to Ghent; I, by Henriette's advice (for +I kept up a correspondence with her, active on my side only), went +there also with the Duc de Lenoncourt. The natural kindness of the old +duke turned to a hearty and sincere protection as soon as he saw me +attached, body and soul, to the Bourbons. He himself presented me to +his Majesty. Courtiers are not numerous when misfortunes are rife; but +youth is gifted with ingenuous admiration and uncalculating fidelity. +The king had the faculty of judging men; a devotion which might have +passed unobserved in Paris counted for much at Ghent, and I had the +happiness of pleasing Louis XVIII. + +A letter from Madame de Mortsauf to her father, brought with +despatches by an emissary of the Vendeens, enclosed a note to me by +which I learned that Jacques was ill. Monsieur de Mortsauf, in despair +at his son's ill-health, and also at the news of a second emigration, +added a few words which enabled me to guess the situation of my dear +one. Worried by him, no doubt, when she passed all her time at +Jacques' bedside, allowed no rest either day or night, superior to +annoyance, yet unable always to control herself when her whole soul +was given to the care of her child, Henriette needed the support of a +friendship which might lighten the burden of her life, were it only by +diverting her husband's mind. Though I was now most impatient to rival +the career of my brother, who had lately been sent to the Congress of +Vienna, and was anxious at any risk to justify Henriette's appeal and +become a man myself, freed from all vassalage, nevertheless my +ambition, my desire for independence, the great interest I had in not +leaving the king, all were of no account before the vision of Madame +de Mortsauf's sad face. I resolved to leave the court at Ghent and +serve my true sovereign. God rewarded me. The emissary sent by the +Vendeens was unable to return. The king wanted a messenger who would +faithfully carry back his instructions. The Duc de Lenoncourt knew +that the king would never forget the man who undertook so perilous an +enterprise; he asked for the mission without consulting me, and I +gladly accepted it, happy indeed to be able to return to Clochegourde +employed in the good cause. + +After an audience with the king I returned to France, where, both in +Paris and in Vendee, I was fortunate enough to carry out his Majesty's +instructions. Towards the end of May, being tracked by the Bonapartist +authorities to whom I was denounced, I was obliged to fly from place +to place in the character of a man endeavoring to get back to his +estate. I went on foot from park to park, from wood to wood, across +the whole of upper Vendee, the Bocage and Poitou, changing my +direction as danger threatened. + +I reached Saumur, from Saumur I went to Chinon, and from Chinon I +reached, in a single night, the woods of Nueil, where I met the count +on horseback; he took me up behind him and we reached Clochegourde +without passing any one who recognized me. + +"Jacques is better," were the first words he said to me. + +I explained to him my position of diplomatic postman, hunted like a +wild beast, and the brave gentleman in his quality of royalist claimed +the danger over Chessel of receiving me. As we came in sight of +Clochegourde the past eight months rolled away like a dream. When we +entered the salon the count said: "Guess whom I bring you?--Felix!" + +"Is it possible!" she said, with pendant arms and a bewildered face. + +I showed myself and we both remained motionless; she in her armchair, +I on the threshold of the door; looking at each other with that hunger +of the soul which endeavors to make up in a single glance for the lost +months. Then, recovering from a surprise which left her heart +unveiled, she rose and I went up to her. + +"I have prayed for your safety," she said, giving me her hand to kiss. + +She asked news of her father; then she guessed my weariness and went +to prepare my room, while the count gave me something to eat, for I +was dying of hunger. My room was the one above hers, her aunt's room; +she requested the count to take me there, after setting her foot on +the first step of the staircase, deliberating no doubt whether to +accompany me; I turned my head, she blushed, bade me sleep well, and +went away. When I came down to dinner I heard for the first time of +the disasters at Waterloo, the flight of Napoleon, the march of the +Allies to Paris, and the probable return of the Bourbons. These events +were all in all to the count; to us they were nothing. What think you +was the great event I was to learn, after kissing the children?--for I +will not dwell on the alarm I felt at seeing the countess pale and +shrunken; I knew the injury I might do by showing it and was careful +to express only joy at seeing her. But the great event for us was told +in the words, "You shall have ice to-day!" She had often fretted the +year before that the water was not cold enough for me, who, never +drinking anything else, liked it iced. God knows how many entreaties +it had cost her to get an ice-house built. You know better than any +one that a word, a look, an inflection of the voice, a trifling +attention, suffices for love; love's noblest privilege is to prove +itself by love. Well, her words, her look, her pleasure, showed me her +feelings, as I had formerly shown her mine by that first game of +backgammon. These ingenuous proofs of her affection were many; on the +seventh day after my arrival she recovered her freshness, she sparkled +with health and youth and happiness; my lily expanded in beauty just +as the treasures of my heart increased. Only in petty minds or in +common hearts can absence lessen love or efface the features or +diminish the beauty of our dear one. To ardent imaginations, to all +beings through whose veins enthusiasm passes like a crimson tide, and +in whom passion takes the form of constancy, absence has the same +effect as the sufferings of the early Christians, which strengthened +their faith and made God visible to them. In hearts that abound in +love are there not incessant longings for a desired object, to which +the glowing fire of our dreams gives higher value and a deeper tint? +Are we not conscious of instigations which give to the beloved +features the beauty of the ideal by inspiring them with thought? The +past, dwelt on in all its details becomes magnified; the future teems +with hope. When two hearts filled with these electric clouds meet each +other, their interview is like the welcome storm which revives the +earth and stimulates it with the swift lightnings of the thunderbolt. +How many tender pleasures came to me when I found these thoughts and +these sensations reciprocal! With what glad eyes I followed the +development of happiness in Henriette! A woman who renews her life +from that of her beloved gives, perhaps, a greater proof of feeling +than she who dies killed by a doubt, withered on her stock for want of +sap; I know not which of the two is the more touching. + +The revival of Madame de Mortsauf was wholly natural, like the effects +of the month of May upon the meadows, or those of the sun and of the +brook upon the drooping flowers. Henriette, like our dear valley of +love, had had her winter; she revived like the valley in the +springtime. Before dinner we went down to the beloved terrace. There, +with one hand stroking the head of her son, who walked feebly beside +her, silent, as though he were breeding an illness, she told me of her +nights beside his pillow. + +For three months, she said, she had lived wholly within herself, +inhabiting, as it were, a dark palace; afraid to enter sumptuous rooms +where the light shone, where festivals were given, to her denied, at +the door of which she stood, one glance turned upon her child, another +to a dim and distant figure; one ear listening for moans, another for +a voice. She told me poems, born of solitude, such as no poet ever +sang; but all ingenuously, without one vestige of love, one trace of +voluptuous thought, one echo of a poesy orientally soothing as the +rose of Frangistan. When the count joined us she continued in the same +tone, like a woman secure within herself, able to look proudly at her +husband and kiss the forehead of her son without a blush. She had +prayed much; she had clasped her hands for nights together over her +child, refusing to let him die. + +"I went," she said, "to the gate of the sanctuary and asked his life +of God." + +She had had visions, and she told them to me; but when she said, in +that angelic voice of hers, these exquisite words, "While I slept my +heart watched," the count harshly interrupted her. + +"That is to say, you were half crazy," he cried. + +She was silent, as deeply hurt as though it were a first wound; +forgetting that for thirteen years this man had lost no chance to +shoot his arrows into her heart. Like a soaring bird struck on the +wing by vulgar shot, she sank into a dull depression; then she roused +herself. + +"How is it, monsieur," she said, "that no word of mine ever finds +favor in your sight? Have you no indulgence for my weakness,--no +comprehension of me as a woman?" + +She stopped short. Already she regretted the murmur, and measured the +future by the past; how could she expect comprehension? Had she not +drawn upon herself some virulent attack? The blue veins of her temples +throbbed; she shed no tears, but the color of her eyes faded. Then she +looked down, that she might not see her pain reflected on my face, her +feelings guessed, her soul wooed by my soul; above all, not see the +sympathy of young love, ready like a faithful dog to spring at the +throat of whoever threatened his mistress, without regard to the +assailant's strength or quality. At such cruel moments the count's air +of superiority was supreme. He thought he had triumphed over his wife, +and he pursued her with a hail of phrases which repeated the one idea, +and were like the blows of an axe which fell with unvarying sound. + +"Always the same?" I said, when the count left us to follow the +huntsman who came to speak to him. + +"Always," answered Jacques. + +"Always excellent, my son," she said, endeavoring to withdraw Monsieur +de Mortsauf from the judgment of his children. "You see only the +present, you know nothing of the past; therefore you cannot criticise +your father without doing him injustice. But even if you had the pain +of seeing that your father was to blame, family honor requires you to +bury such secrets in silence." + +"How have the changes at the Cassine and the Rhetoriere answered?" I +asked, to divert her mind from bitter thoughts. + +"Beyond my expectations," she replied. "As soon as the buildings were +finished we found two excellent farmers ready to hire them; one at +four thousand five hundred francs, taxes paid; the other at five +thousand; both leases for fifteen years. We have already planted three +thousand young trees on the new farms. Manette's cousin is delighted +to get the Rabelaye; Martineau has taken the Baude. All _our_ efforts +have been crowned with success. Clochegourde, without the reserved +land which we call the home-farm, and without the timber and +vineyards, brings in nineteen thousand francs a year, and the +plantations are becoming valuable. I am battling to let the home-farm +to Martineau, the keeper, whose eldest son can now take his place. He +offers three thousand francs if Monsieur de Mortsauf will build him a +farm-house at the Commanderie. We might then clear the approach to +Clochegourde, finish the proposed avenue to the main road, and have +only the woodland and the vineyards to take care of ourselves. If the +king returns, _our_ pension will be restored; WE shall consent after +clashing a little with _our_ wife's common-sense. Jacques' fortune will +then be permanently secured. That result obtained, I shall leave +monsieur to lay by as much as he likes for Madeleine, though the king +will of course dower her, according to custom. My conscience is easy; +I have all but accomplished my task. And you?" she said. + +I explained to her the mission on which the king had sent me, and +showed her how her wise counsel had borne fruit. Was she endowed with +second sight thus to foretell events? + +"Did I not write it to you?" she answered. "For you and for my +children alone I possess a remarkable faculty, of which I have spoken +only to my confessor, Monsieur de la Berge; he explains it by divine +intervention. Often, after deep meditation induced by fears about the +health of my children, my eyes close to the things of earth and see +into another region; if Jacques and Madeleine there appear to me as +two luminous figures they are sure to have good health for a certain +period of time; if wrapped in mist they are equally sure to fall ill +soon after. As for you, I not only see you brilliantly illuminated, +but I hear a voice which explains to me without words, by some mental +communication, what you ought to do. Does any law forbid me to use +this wonderful gift for my children and for you?" she asked, falling +into a reverie. Then, after a pause, she added, "Perhaps God wills to +take the place of their father." + +"Let me believe that my obedience is due to none but you," I cried. + +She gave me one of her exquisitely gracious smiles, which so exalted +my heart that I should not have felt a death-blow if given at that +moment. + +"As soon as the king returns to Paris, go there; leave Clochegourde," +she said. "It may be degrading to beg for places and favors, but it +would be ridiculous to be out of the way of receiving them. Great +changes will soon take place. The king needs capable and trustworthy +men; don't fail him. It is well for you to enter young into the +affairs of the nation and learn your way; for statesmen, like actors, +have a routine business to acquire, which genius does not reveal, it +must be learnt. My father heard the Duc de Choiseul say this. Think of +me," she said, after a pause; "let me enjoy the pleasures of +superiority in a soul that is all my own; for are you not my son?" + +"Your son?" I said, sullenly. + +"Yes, my son!" she cried, mocking me; "is not that a good place in my +heart?" + +The bell rang for dinner; she took my arm and leaned contentedly upon +it. + +"You have grown," she said, as we went up the steps. When we reached +the portico she shook my arm a little, as if my looks were +importunate; for though her eyes were lowered she knew that I saw only +her. Then she said, with a charming air of pretended impatience, full +of grace and coquetry, "Come, why don't you look at our dear valley?" + +She turned, held her white silk sun-shade over our heads and drew +Jacques closely to her side. The motion of her head as she looked +towards the Indre, the punt, the meadows, showed me that in my absence +she had come to many an understanding with those misty horizons and +their vaporous outline. Nature was a mantle which sheltered her +thoughts. She now knew what the nightingale was sighing the livelong +night, what the songster of the sedges hymned with his plaintive note. + +At eight o'clock that evening I was witness of a scene which touched +me deeply, and which I had never yet witnessed, for in my former +visits I had played backgammon with the count while his wife took the +children into the dining-room before their bedtime. The bell rang +twice, and all the servants of the household entered the room. + +"You are now our guest and must submit to convent rule," said the +countess, leading me by the hand with that air of innocent gaiety +which distinguishes women who are naturally pious. + +The count followed. Masters, children, and servants knelt down, all +taking their regular places. It was Madeleine's turn to read the +prayers. The dear child said them in her childish voice, the ingenuous +tones of which rose clear in the harmonious silence of the country, +and gave to the words the candor of holy innocence, the grace of +angels. It was the most affecting prayer I ever heard. Nature replied +to the child's voice with the myriad murmurs of the coming night, like +the low accompaniment of an organ lightly touched, Madeleine was on +the right of the countess, Jacques on her left. The graceful curly +heads, between which rose the smooth braids of the mother, and above +all three the perfectly white hair and yellow cranium of the father, +made a picture which repeated, in some sort, the ideas aroused by the +melody of the prayer. As if to fulfil all conditions of the unity +which marks the sublime, this calm and collected group were bathed in +the fading light of the setting sun; its red tints coloring the room, +impelling the soul--be it poetic or superstitious--to believe that the +fires of heaven were visiting these faithful servants of God as they +knelt there without distinction of rank, in the equality which heaven +demands. Thinking back to the days of the patriarchs my mind still +further magnified this scene, so grand in its simplicity. + +The children said good-night, the servants bowed, the countess went +away holding a child by each hand, and I returned to the salon with +the count. + +"We provide you with salvation there, and hell here," he said, +pointing to the backgammon-board. + +The countess returned in half an hour, and brought her frame near the +table. + +"This is for you," she said, unrolling the canvas; "but for the last +three months it has languished. Between that rose and this heartsease +my poor child was ill." + +"Come, come," said Monsieur de Mortsauf, "don't talk of that any more. +Six--five, emissary of the king!" + +When alone in my room I hushed my breathing that I might hear her +passing to and fro in hers. She was calm and pure, but I was lashed +with maddening ideas. "Why should she not be mine?" I thought; +"perhaps she is, like me, in this whirlwind of agitation." At one +o'clock, I went down, walking noiselessly, and lay before her door. +With my ear pressed to a chink I could hear her equable, gentle +breathing, like that of a child. When chilled to the bone I went back +to bed and slept tranquilly till morning. I know not what prenatal +influence, what nature within me, causes the delight I take in going +to the brink of precipices, sounding the gulf of evil, seeking to know +its depths, feeling its icy chill, and retreating in deep emotion. +That hour of night passed on the threshold of her door where I wept +with rage,--though she never knew that on the morrow her foot had trod +upon my tears and kisses, on her virtue first destroyed and then +respected, cursed and adored,--that hour, foolish in the eyes of many, +was nevertheless an inspiration of the same mysterious impulse which +impels the soldier. Many have told me they have played their lives +upon it, flinging themselves before a battery to know if they could +escape the shot, happy in thus galloping into the abyss of +probabilities, and smoking like Jean Bart upon the gunpowder. + +The next day I went to gather flowers and made two bouquets. The count +admired them, though generally nothing of the kind appealed to him. +The clever saying of Champcenetz, "He builds dungeons in Spain," +seemed to have been made for him. + +I spent several days at Clochegourde, going but seldom to Frapesle, +where, however, I dined three times. The French army now occupied +Tours. Though my presence was health and strength to Madame de +Mortsauf, she implored me to make my way to Chateauroux, and so round +by Issoudun and Orleans to Paris with what haste I could. I tried to +resist; but she commanded me, saying that my guardian angel spoke. I +obeyed. Our farewell was, this time, dim with tears; she feared the +allurements of the life I was about to live. Is it not a serious thing +to enter the maelstrom of interests, passions, and pleasures which +make Paris a dangerous ocean for chaste love and purity of conscience? +I promised to write to her every night, relating the events and +thoughts of the day, even the most trivial. When I gave the promise +she laid her head on my shoulder and said: "Leave nothing out; +everything will interest me." + +She gave me letters for the duke and duchess, which I delivered the +second day after my return. + +"You are in luck," said the duke; "dine here to-day, and go with me +this evening to the Chateau; your fortune is made. The king spoke of +you this morning, and said, 'He is young, capable, and trustworthy.' +His Majesty added that he wished he knew whether you were living or +dead, and in what part of France events had thrown you after you had +executed your mission so ably." + +That night I was appointed master of petitions to the council of +State, and I also received a private and permanent place in the +employment of Louis XVIII. himself,--a confidential position, not +highly distinguished, but without any risks, a position which put me +at the very heart of the government and has been the source of all my +subsequent prosperity. Madame de Mortsauf had judged rightly. I now +owed everything to her; power and wealth, happiness and knowledge; she +guided and encouraged me, purified my heart, and gave to my will that +unity of purpose without which the powers of youth are wasted. Later I +had a colleague; we each served six months. We were allowed to supply +each other's place if necessary; we had rooms at the Chateau, a +carriage, and large allowances for travelling when absent on missions. +Strange position! We were the secret disciples of a monarch in a +policy to which even his enemies have since done signal justice; alone +with us he gave judgment on all things, foreign and domestic, yet we +had no legitimate influence; often we were consulted like Laforet by +Moliere, and made to feel that the hesitations of long experience were +confirmed or removed by the vigorous perceptions of youth. + +In other respects my future was secured in a manner to satisfy +ambition. Beside my salary as master of petitions, paid by the budget +of the council of State, the king gave me a thousand francs a month +from his privy purse, and often himself added more to it. Though the +king knew well that no young man of twenty-three could long bear up +under the labors with which he loaded me, my colleague, now a peer of +France, was not appointed till August, 1817. The choice was a +difficult one; our functions demanded so many capabilities that the +king was long in coming to a decision. He did me the honor to ask +which of the young men among whom he was hesitating I should like for +an associate. Among them was one who had been my school-fellow at +Lepitre's; I did not select him. His Majesty asked why. + +"The king," I replied, "chooses men who are equally faithful, but +whose capabilities differ. I choose the one whom I think the most +able, certain that I shall always be able to get on with him." + +My judgment coincided with that of the king, who was pleased with the +sacrifice I had made. He said on this occasion, "You are to be the +chief"; and he related these circumstances to my colleague, who +became, in return for the service I had done him, my good friend. The +consideration shown to me by the Duc de Lenoncourt set the tone of +that which I met with in society. To have it said, "The king takes an +interest in the young man; that young man has a future, the king likes +him," would have served me in place of talents; and it now gave to the +kindly welcome accorded to youth a certain respect that is only given +to power. In the salon of the Duchesse de Lenoncourt and also at the +house of my sister who had just married the Marquis de Listomere, son +of the old lady in the Ile St. Louis, I gradually came to know the +influential personages of the Faubourg St. Germain. + +Henriette herself put me at the heart of the circle then called "le +Petit Chateau" by the help of her great-aunt, the Princesse de +Blamont-Chauvry, to whom she wrote so warmly in my behalf that the +princess immediately sent for me. I cultivated her and contrived to +please her, and she became, not my protectress but a friend, in whose +kindness there was something maternal. The old lady took pains to make +me intimate with her daughter Madame d'Espard, with the Duchesse de +Langeais, the Vicomtesse de Beauseant, and the Duchesse de +Maufrigneuse, women who held the sceptre of fashion, and who were all +the more gracious to me because I made no pretensions and was always +ready to be useful and agreeable to them. My brother Charles, far from +avoiding me, now began to lean upon me; but my rapid success roused a +secret jealousy in his mind which in after years caused me great +vexation. My father and mother, surprised by a triumph so unexpected, +felt their vanity flattered, and received me at last as a son. But +their feeling was too artificial, I might say false, to let their +present treatment have much influence upon a sore heart. Affectations +stained with selfishness win little sympathy; the heart abhors +calculations and profits of all kinds. + +I wrote regularly to Henriette, who answered by two letters a month. +Her spirit hovered over me, her thoughts traversed space and made the +atmosphere around me pure. No woman could captivate me. The king +noticed my reserve, and as, in this respect, he belonged to the school +of Louis XV., he called me, in jest, Mademoiselle de Vandenesse; but +my conduct pleased him. I am convinced that the habit of patience I +acquired in my childhood and practised at Clochegourde had much to do +in my winning the favor of the king, who was always most kind to me. +He no doubt took a fancy to read my letters, for he soon gave up his +notion of my life as that of a young girl. One day when the duke was +on duty, and I was writing at the king's dictation, the latter +suddenly remarked, in that fine, silvery voice of his, to which he +could give, when he chose, the biting tone of epigram:-- + +"So that poor devil of a Mortsauf persists in living?" + +"Yes," replied the duke. + +"Madame de Mortsauf is an angel, whom I should like to see at my +court," continued the king; "but if I cannot manage it, my chancellor +here," turning to me, "may be more fortunate. You are to have six +months' leave; I have decided on giving you the young man we spoke of +yesterday as colleague. Amuse yourself at Clochegourde, friend Cato!" +and he laughed as he had himself wheeled out of the room. + +I flew like a swallow to Touraine. For the first time I was to show +myself to my beloved, not merely a little less insignificant, but +actually in the guise of an elegant young man, whose manners had been +formed in the best salons, his education finished by gracious women; +who had found at last a compensation for all his sufferings, and had +put to use the experience given to him by the purest angel to whom +heaven had ever committed the care of a child. You know how my mother +had equipped me for my three months' visit at Frapesle. When I reached +Clochegourde after fulfilling my mission in Vendee, I was dressed like +a huntsman; I wore a jacket with white and red buttons, striped +trousers, leathern gaiters and shoes. Tramping through underbrush had +so injured my clothes that the count was obliged to lend me linen. On +the present occasion, two years' residence in Paris, constant +intercourse with the king, the habits of a life at ease, my completed +growth, a youthful countenance, which derived a lustre from the +placidity of the soul within magnetically united with the pure soul +that beamed on me from Clochegourde,--all these things combined had +transformed me. I was self-possessed without conceit, inwardly pleased +to find myself, in spite of my years, at the summit of affairs; above +all, I had the consciousness of being secretly the support and comfort +of the dearest woman on earth, and her unuttered hope. Perhaps I felt +a flutter of vanity as the postilions cracked their whips along the +new avenue leading from the main road to Clochegourde and through an +iron gate I had never seen before, which opened into a circular +enclosure recently constructed. I had not written to the countess of +my coming, wishing to surprise her. For this I found myself doubly in +fault: first, she was overwhelmed with the excitement of a pleasure +long desired, but supposed to be impossible; and secondly, she proved +to me that all such deliberate surprises are in bad taste. + +When Henriette saw a young man in him who had hitherto seemed but a +child to her, she lowered her eyes with a sort of tragic slowness. She +allowed me to take and kiss her hand without betraying her inward +pleasure, which I nevertheless felt in her sensitive shiver. When she +raised her face to look at me again, I saw that she was pale. + +"Well, you don't forget your old friends?" said Monsieur de Mortsauf, +who had neither changed nor aged. + +The children sprang upon me. I saw them behind the grave face of the +Abbe Dominis, Jacques' tutor. + +"No," I replied, "and in future I am to have six months' leave, which +will always be spent here--Why, what is the matter?" I said to the +countess, putting my arm round her waist and holding her up in +presence of them all. + +"Oh, don't!" she said, springing away from me; "it is nothing." + +I read her mind, and answered to its secret thought by saying, "Am I +not allowed to be your faithful slave?" + +She took my arm, left the count, the children, and the abbe, and led +me to a distance on the lawn, though still within sight of the others; +then, when sure that her voice could not be heard by them, she spoke. + +"Felix, my dear friend," she said, "forgive my fears; I have but one +thread by which to guide me in the labyrinth of life, and I dread to +see it broken. Tell me that I am more than ever Henriette to you, that +you will never abandon me, that nothing shall prevail against me, that +you will ever be my devoted friend. I have suddenly had a glimpse into +my future, and you were not there, as hitherto, your eyes shining and +fixed upon me--" + +"Henriette! idol whose worship is like that of the Divine,--lily, +flower of my life, how is it that you do not know, you who are my +conscience, that my being is so fused with yours that my soul is here +when my body is in Paris? Must I tell you that I have come in +seventeen hours, that each turn of the wheels gathered thoughts and +desires in my breast, which burst forth like a tempest when I saw +you?" + +"Yes, tell me! tell me!" she cried; "I am so sure of myself that I can +hear you without wrong. God does not will my death. He sends you to me +as he sends his breath to his creatures; as he pours the rain of his +clouds upon a parched earth,--tell me! tell me! Do you love me +sacredly?" + +"Sacredly." + +"For ever?" + +"For ever." + +"As a virgin Mary, hidden behind her veil, beneath her white crown." + +"As a virgin visible." + +"As a sister?" + +"As a sister too dearly loved." + +"With chivalry and without hope?" + +"With chivalry and with hope." + +"As if you were still twenty years of age, and wearing that absurd +blue coat?" + +"Oh better far! I love you thus, and I also love you"--she looked at +me with keen apprehension--"as you loved your aunt." + +"I am happy! You dispel my terrors," she said, returning towards the +family, who were surprised at our private conference. "Be still a +child at Clochegourde--for you are one still. It may be your policy to +be a man with the king, but here, let me tell you, monsieur, your best +policy is to remain a child. As a child you shall be loved. I can +resist a man, but to a child I can refuse nothing, nothing! He can ask +for nothing I will not give him.--Our secrets are all told," she said, +looking at the count with a mischievous air, in which her girlish, +natural self reappeared. "I leave you now; I must go and dress." + +Never for three years had I heard her voice so richly happy. For the +first time I heard those swallow cries, the infantile notes of which I +told you. I had brought Jacques a hunting outfit, and for Madeleine a +work-box--which her mother afterwards used. The joy of the two +children, delighted to show their presents to each other, seemed to +annoy the count, always dissatisfied when attention was withdrawn from +himself. I made a sign to Madeleine and followed her father, who +wanted to talk to me of his ailments. + +"My poor Felix," he said, "you see how happy and well they all are. I +am the shadow on the picture; all their ills are transferred to me, +and I bless God that it is so. Formerly I did not know what was the +matter with me; now I know. The orifice of my stomach is affected; I +can digest nothing." + +"How do you come to be as wise as the professor of a medical school?" +I asked, laughing. "Is your doctor indiscreet enough to tell you such +things?" + +"God forbid I should consult a doctor," he cried, showing the aversion +most imaginary invalids feel for the medical profession. + +I now listened to much crazy talk, in the course of which he made the +most absurd confidences,--complained of his wife, of the servants, of +the children, of life, evidently pleased to repeat his daily speeches +to a friend who, not having heard them daily, might be alarmed, and +who at any rate was forced to listen out of politeness. He must have +been satisfied, for I paid him the utmost attention, trying to +penetrate his inconceivable nature, and to guess what new tortures he +had been inflicting on his wife, of which she had not written to me. +Henriette presently put an end to the monologue by appearing in the +portico. The count saw her, shook his head, and said to me: "You +listen to me, Felix; but here no one pities me." + +He went away, as if aware of the constraint he imposed on my +intercourse with Henriette, or perhaps from a really chivalrous +consideration for her, knowing he could give her pleasure by leaving +us alone. His character exhibited contradictions that were often +inexplicable; he was jealous, like all weak beings, but his confidence +in his wife's sanctity was boundless. It may have been the sufferings +of his own self-esteem, wounded by the superiority of that lofty +virtue, which made him so eager to oppose every wish of the poor +woman, whom he braved as children brave their masters or their +mothers. + +Jacques was taking his lessons, and Madeleine was being dressed; I had +therefore a whole hour to walk with the countess alone on the terrace. + +"Dear angel!" I said, "the chains are heavier, the sands hotter, the +thorns grow apace." + +"Hush!" she said, guessing the thoughts my conversation with the count +had suggested. "You are here, and all is forgotten! I don't suffer; I +have never suffered." + +She made a few light steps as if to shake her dress and give to the +breeze its ruches of snowy tulle, its floating sleeves and fresh +ribbons, the laces of her pelerine, and the flowing curls of her +coiffure a la Sevigne; I saw her for the first time a young girl,--gay +with her natural gaiety, ready to frolic like a child. I knew then the +meaning of tears of happiness; I knew the joy a man feels in bringing +happiness to another. + +"Sweet human flower, wooed by my thought, kissed by my soul, oh my +lily!" I cried, "untouched, untouchable upon thy stem, white, proud, +fragrant, and solitary--" + +"Enough, enough," she said, smiling. "Speak to me of yourself; tell me +everything." + +Then, beneath the swaying arch of quivering leaves, we had a long +conversation, filled with interminable parentheses, subjects taken, +dropped, and retaken, in which I told her my life and my occupations; +I even described my apartment in Paris, for she wished to know +everything; and (happiness then unappreciated) I had nothing to +conceal. Knowing thus my soul and all the details of a daily life full +of incessant toil, learning the full extent of my functions, which to +any one not sternly upright offered opportunities for deception and +dishonest gains, but which I had exercised with such rigid honor that +the king, I told her, called me Mademoiselle de Vandenesse, she seized +my hand and kissed it, and dropped a tear, a tear of joy, upon it. + +This sudden transposition of our roles, this homage, coupled with the +thought--swiftly expressed but as swiftly comprehended--"Here is the +master I have sought, here is my dream embodied!" all that there was +of avowal in the action, grand in its humility, where love betrayed +itself in a region forbidden to the senses,--this whirlwind of +celestial things fell on my heart and crushed it. I felt myself too +small; I wished to die at her feet. + +"Ah!" I said, "you surpass us in all things. Can you doubt me?--for +you did doubt me just now, Henriette." + +"Not now," she answered, looking at me with ineffable tenderness, +which, for a moment, veiled the light of her eyes. "But seeing you so +changed, so handsome, I said to myself, 'Our plans for Madeleine will +be defeated by some woman who will guess the treasures in his heart; +she will steal our Felix, and destroy all happiness here.'" + +"Always Madeleine!" I replied. "Is it Madeleine to whom I am +faithful?" + +We fell into a silence which Monsieur de Mortsauf inconveniently +interrupted. I was forced to keep up a conversation bristling with +difficulties, in which my honest replies as to the king's policy +jarred with the count's ideas, and he forced me to explain again and +again the king's intentions. In spite of all my questions as to his +horses, his agricultural affairs, whether he was satisfied with his +five farms, whether he meant to cut the timber of the old avenue, he +returned to the subject of politics with the pestering faculty of an +old maid and the persistency of a child. Minds like his prefer to dash +themselves against the light; they return again and again and hum +about it without ever getting into it, like those big flies which +weary our ears as they buzz upon the glass. + +Henriette was silent. To stop the conversation, in which I feared my +young blood might take fire, I answered in monosyllables, mostly +acquiescent, avoiding discussion; but Monsieur de Mortsauf had too +much sense not to perceive the meaning of my politeness. Presently he +was angry at being always in the right; he grew refractory, his +eyebrows and the wrinkles of his forehead worked, his yellow eyes +blazed, his rufous nose grew redder, as it did on the day I first +witnessed an attack of madness. Henriette gave me a supplicating look, +making me understand that she could not employ on my behalf an +authority to which she had recourse to protect her children. I at once +answered the count seriously, taking up the political question, and +managing his peevish spirit with the utmost care. + +"Poor dear! poor dear!" she murmured two or three times; the words +reaching my ear like a gentle breeze. When she could intervene with +success she said, interrupting us, "Let me tell you, gentlemen, that +you are very dull company." + +Recalled by this conversation to his chivalrous sense of what was due +to a woman, the count ceased to talk politics, and as we bored him in +our turn by commonplace matters, he presently left us to continue our +walk, declaring that it made his head spin to go round and round on +the same path. + +My sad conjectures were true. The soft landscape, the warm atmosphere, +the cloudless skies, the soothing poetry of this valley, which for +fifteen years had calmed the stinging fancies of that diseased mind, +were now impotent. At a period of life when the asperities of other +men are softened and their angles smoothed, the disposition of this +man became more and more aggressive. For the last few months he had +taken a habit of contradicting for the sake of contradiction, without +reason, without even trying to justify his opinions; he insisted on +knowing the why and the wherefore of everything; grew restless under a +delay or an omission; meddled with every item of the household +affairs, and compelled his wife and the servants to render him the +most minute and fatiguing account of all that was done; never allowing +them the slightest freedom of action. Formerly he did not lose his +temper except for some special reason; now his irritation was +constant. Perhaps the care of his farms, the interests of agriculture, +an active out-door life had formerly soothed his atrabilious temper by +giving it a field for its uneasiness, and by furnishing employment for +his activity. Possibly the loss of such occupation had allowed his +malady to prey upon itself; no longer exercised on matters without, it +was showing itself in more fixed ideas; the moral being was laying +hold of the physical being. He had lately become his own doctor; he +studied medical books, fancied he had the diseases he read of, and +took the most extraordinary and unheard of precautions about his +health,--precautions never the same, impossible to foresee, and +consequently impossible to satisfy. Sometimes he wanted no noise; +then, when the countess had succeeded in establishing absolute +silence, he would declare he was in a tomb, and blame her for not +finding some medium between incessant noise and the stillness of La +Trappe. Sometimes he affected a perfect indifference for all earthly +things. Then the whole household breathed freely; the children played; +family affairs went on without criticism. Suddenly he would cry out +lamentably, "They want to kill me!--My dear," he would say to his +wife, increasing the injustice of his words by the aggravating tones +of his sharp voice, "if it concerned your children you would know very +well what was the matter with them." + +He dressed and re-dressed himself incessantly, watching every change +of temperature, and doing nothing without consulting the barometer. +Notwithstanding his wife's attentions, he found no food to suit him, +his stomach being, he said, impaired, and digestion so painful as to +keep him awake all night. In spite of this he ate, drank, digested, +and slept, in a manner to satisfy any doctor. His capricious will +exhausted the patience of the servants, accustomed to the beaten track +of domestic service and unable to conform to the requirements of his +conflicting orders. Sometimes he bade them keep all the windows open, +declaring that his health required a current of fresh air; a few days +later the fresh air, being too hot or too damp, as the case might be, +became intolerable; then he scolded, quarrelled with the servants, and +in order to justify himself, denied his former orders. This defect of +memory, or this bad faith, call it which you will, always carried the +day against his wife in the arguments by which she tried to pit him +against himself. Life at Clochegourde had become so intolerable that +the Abbe Dominis, a man of great learning, took refuge in the study of +scientific problems, and withdrew into the shelter of pretended +abstraction. The countess had no longer any hope of hiding the secret +of these insane furies within the circle of her own home; the servants +had witnessed scenes of exasperation without exciting cause, in which +the premature old man passed the bounds of reason. They were, however, +so devoted to the countess that nothing so far had transpired outside; +but she dreaded daily some public outburst of a frenzy no longer +controlled by respect for opinion. + +Later I learned the dreadful details of the count's treatment of his +wife. Instead of supporting her when the children were ill, he +assailed her with dark predictions and made her responsible for all +future illnesses, because she refused to let the children take the +crazy doses which he prescribed. When she went to walk with them the +count would predict a storm in the face of a clear sky; if by chance +the prediction proved true, the satisfaction he felt made him quite +indifferent to any harm to the children. If one of them was ailing, +the count gave his whole mind to fastening the cause of the illness +upon the system of nursing adopted by his wife, whom he carped at for +every trifling detail, always ending with the cruel words, "If your +children fall ill again you have only yourself to thank for it." + +He behaved in the same way in the management of the household, seeing +the worst side of everything, and making himself, as his old coachman +said, "the devil's own advocate." The countess arranged that Jacques +and Madeleine should take their meals alone at different hours from +the family, so as to save them from the count's outbursts and draw all +the storms upon herself. In this way the children now saw but little +of their father. By one of the hallucinations peculiar to selfish +persons, the count had not the slightest idea of the misery he caused. +In the confidential communication he made to me on my arrival he +particularly dwelt on his goodness to his family. He wielded the +flail, beat, bruised, and broke everything about him as a monkey might +have done. Then, having half-destroyed his prey, he denied having +touched it. I now understood the lines on Henriette's forehead,--fine +lines, traced as it were with the edge of a razor, which I had noticed +the moment I saw her. There is a pudicity in noble minds which +withholds them from speaking of their personal sufferings; proudly +they hide the extent of their woes from hearts that love them, feeling +a merciful joy in doing so. Therefore in spite of my urgency, I did +not immediately obtain the truth from Henriette. She feared to grieve +me; she made brief admissions, and then blushed for them; but I soon +perceived myself the increase of trouble which the count's present +want of regular occupation had brought upon the household. + +"Henriette," I said, after I had been there some days, "don't you +think you have made a mistake in so arranging the estate that the +count has no longer anything to do?" + +"Dear," she said, smiling, "my situation is critical enough to take +all my attention; believe me, I have considered all my resources, and +they are now exhausted. It is true that the bickerings are getting +worse and worse. As Monsieur de Mortsauf and I are always together, I +cannot lessen them by diverting his attention in other directions; in +fact the pain would be the same to me in any case. I did think of +advising him to start a nursery for silk-worms at Clochegourde, where +we have many mulberry-trees, remains of the old industry of Touraine. +But I reflected that he would still be the same tyrant at home, and I +should have many more annoyances through the enterprise. You will +learn, my dear observer, that in youth a man's ill qualities are +restrained by society, checked in their swing by the play of passions, +subdued under the fear of public opinion; later, a middle-aged man, +living in solitude, shows his native defects, which are all the more +terrible because so long repressed. Human weaknesses are essentially +base; they allow of neither peace nor truce; what you yield to them +to-day they exact to-morrow, and always; they fasten on concessions +and compel more of them. Power, on the other hand, is merciful; it +conforms to evidence, it is just and it is peaceable. But the passions +born of weakness are implacable. Monsieur de Mortsauf takes an +absolute pleasure in getting the better of me; and he who would +deceive no one else, deceives me with delight." + +One morning as we left the breakfast table, about a month after my +arrival, the countess took me by the arm, darted through an iron gate +which led into the vineyard, and dragged me hastily among the vines. + +"He will kill me!" she cried. "And I want to live--for my children's +sake. But oh! not a day's respite! Always to walk among thorns! to +come near falling every instant! every instant to have to summon all +my strength to keep my balance! No human being can long endure such +strain upon the system. If I were certain of the ground I ought to +take, if my resistance could be a settled thing, then my mind might +concentrate upon it--but no, every day the attacks change character +and leave me without defence; my sorrows are not one, they are +manifold. Ah! my friend--" she cried, leaning her head upon my +shoulder, and not continuing her confidence. "What will become of me? +Oh, what shall I do?" she said presently, struggling with thoughts she +did not express. "How can I resist? He will kill me! No, I will kill +myself--but that would be a crime! Escape? yes, but my children! +Separate from him? how, after fifteen years of marriage, how could I +ever tell my parents that I will not live with him? for if my father +and mother came here he would be calm, polite, intelligent, judicious. +Besides, can married women look to fathers or mothers? Do they not +belong body and soul to their husbands? I could live tranquil if not +happy--I have found strength in my chaste solitude, I admit it; but if +I am deprived of this negative happiness I too shall become insane. My +resistance is based on powerful reasons which are not personal to +myself. It is a crime to give birth to poor creatures condemned to +endless suffering. Yet my position raises serious questions, so +serious that I dare not decide them alone; I cannot be judge and party +both. To-morrow I will go to Tours and consult my new confessor, the +Abbe Birotteau--for my dear and virtuous Abbe de la Berge is dead," +she said, interrupting herself. "Though he was severe, I miss and +shall always miss his apostolic power. His successor is an angel of +goodness, who pities but does not reprimand. Still, all courage draws +fresh life from the heart of religion; what soul is not strengthened +by the voice of the Holy Spirit? My God," she said, drying her tears +and raising her eyes to heaven, "for what sin am I thus punished?--I +believe, yes, Felix, I believe it, we must pass through a fiery +furnace before we reach the saints, the just made perfect of the upper +spheres. Must I keep silence? Am I forbidden, oh, my God, to cry to +the heart of a friend? Do I love him too well?" She pressed me to her +heart as though she feared to lose me. "Who will solve my doubts? My +conscience does not reproach me. The stars shine from above on men; +may not the soul, the human star, shed its light upon a friend, if we +go to him with pure thoughts?" + +I listened to this dreadful cry in silence, holding her moist hand in +mine that was still more moist. I pressed it with a force to which +Henriette replied with an equal pressure. + +"Where are you?" cried the count, who came towards us, bareheaded. + +Ever since my return he had insisted on sharing our interviews, +--either because he wanted amusement, or feared the countess would +tell me her sorrows and complain to me, or because he was jealous of +a pleasure he did not share. + +"How he follows me!" she cried, in a tone of despair. "Let us go into +the orchard, we shall escape him. We can stoop as we run by the hedge, +and he will not see us." + +We made the hedge a rampart and reached the enclosure, where we were +soon at a good distance from the count in an alley of almond-trees. + +"Dear Henriette," I then said to her, pressing her arm against my +heart and stopping to contemplate her in her sorrow, "you have guided +me with true knowledge along the perilous ways of the great world; let +me in return give you some advice which may help you to end this duel +without witnesses, in which you must inevitably be worsted, for you +are fighting with unequal weapons. You must not struggle any longer +with a madman--" + +"Hush!" she said, dashing aside the tears that rolled from her eyes. + +"Listen to me, dear," I continued. "After a single hour's talk with +the count, which I force myself to endure for love of you, my thoughts +are bewildered, my head heavy; he makes me doubtful of my own +intellect; the same ideas repeated over and over again seem to burn +themselves on my brain. Well-defined monomanias are not communicated; +but when the madness consists in a distorted way of looking at +everything, and when it lurks under all discussions, then it can and +does injure the minds of those who live with it. Your patience is +sublime, but will it not end in disordering you? For your sake, for +that of your children, change your system with the count. Your +adorable kindness has made him selfish; you have treated him as a +mother treats the child she spoils; but now, if you want to live--and +you do want it," I said, looking at her, "use the control you have +over him. You know what it is; he loves you and he fears you; make him +fear you more; oppose his erratic will with your firm will. Extend +your power over him, confine his madness to a moral sphere just as we +lock maniacs in a cell." + +"Dear child," she said, smiling bitterly, "a woman without a heart +might do it. But I am a mother; I should make a poor jailer. Yes, I +can suffer, but I cannot make others suffer. Never!" she said, "never! +not even to obtain some great and honorable result. Besides, I should +have to lie in my heart, disguise my voice, lower my head, degrade my +gesture--do not ask of me such falsehoods. I can stand between +Monsieur de Mortsauf and his children, I willingly receive his blows +that they may not fall on others; I can do all that, and will do it to +conciliate conflicting interests, but I can do no more." + +"Let me worship thee, O saint, thrice holy!" I exclaimed, kneeling at +her feet and kissing her robe, with which I wiped my tears. "But if he +kills you?" I cried. + +She turned pale and said, lifting her eyes to heaven: + +"God's will be done!" + +"Do you know that the king said to your father, 'So that devil of a +Mortsauf is still living'?" + +"A jest on the lips of the king," she said, "is a crime when repeated +here." + +In spite of our precautions the count had tracked us; he now arrived, +bathed in perspiration, and sat down under a walnut-tree where the +countess had stopped to give me that rebuke. I began to talk about the +vintage; the count was silent, taking no notice of the dampness under +the tree. After a few insignificant remarks, interspersed with pauses +that were very significant, he complained of nausea and headache; but +he spoke gently, and did not appeal to our pity, or describe his +sufferings in his usual exaggerated way. We paid no attention to him. +When we reached the house, he said he felt worse and should go to bed; +which he did, quite naturally and with much less complaint than usual. +We took advantage of the respite and went down to our dear terrace +accompanied by Madeleine. + +"Let us get that boat and go upon the river," said the countess after +we had made a few turns. "We might go and look at the fishing which is +going on to-day." + +We went out by the little gate, found the punt, jumped into it and +were presently paddling up the Loire. Like three children amused with +trifles, we looked at the sedges along the banks and the blue and +green dragon-flies; the countess wondered perhaps that she was able to +enjoy such peaceful pleasures in the midst of her poignant griefs; but +Nature's calm, indifferent to our struggles, has a magic gift of +consolation. The tumults of a love full of restrained desires +harmonize with the wash of the water; the flowers that the hand of man +has never wilted are the voice of his secret dreams; the voluptuous +swaying of the boat vaguely responds to the thoughts that are floating +in his soul. We felt the languid influence of this double poesy. +Words, tuned to the diapason of nature, disclosed mysterious graces; +looks were impassioned rays sharing the light shed broadcast by the +sun on the glowing meadows. The river was a path along which we flew. +Our spirit, no longer kept down by the measured tread of our +footsteps, took possession of the universe. The abounding joy of a +child at liberty, graceful in its motions, enticing in its play, is +the living expression of two freed souls, delighting themselves by +becoming ideally the wondrous being dreamed of by Plato and known to +all whose youth has been filled with a blessed love. To describe to +you that hour, not in its indescribable details but in its essence, I +must say to you that we loved each other in all the creations animate +and inanimate which surrounded us; we felt without us the happiness +our own hearts craved; it so penetrated our being that the countess +took off her gloves and let her hands float in the water as if to cool +an inward ardor. Her eyes spoke; but her mouth, opening like a rose to +the breeze, gave voice to no desire. You know the harmony of deep +tones mingling perfectly with high ones? Ever, when I hear it now, it +recalls to me the harmony of our two souls in this one hour, which +never came again. + +"Where do you fish?" I asked, "if you can only do so from the banks +you own?" + +"Near Pont-de-Ruan," she replied. "Ah! we now own the river from +Pont-de-Ruan to Clochegourde; Monsieur de Mortsauf has lately bought +forty acres of the meadow lands with the savings of two years and the +arrearage of his pension. Does that surprise you?" + +"Surprise me?" I cried; "I would that all the valley were yours." She +answered me with a smile. Presently we came below the bridge to a +place where the Indre widens and where the fishing was going on. + +"Well, Martineau?" she said. + +"Ah, Madame la comtesse, such bad luck! We have fished up from the +mill the last three hours, and have taken nothing." + +We landed near them to watch the drawing in of the last net, and all +three of us sat down in the shade of a "bouillard," a sort of poplar +with a white bark, which grows on the banks of the Danube and the +Loire (probably on those of other large rivers), and sheds, in the +spring of the year, a white and silky fluff, the covering of its +flower. The countess had recovered her august serenity; she half +regretted the unveiling of her griefs, and mourned that she had cried +aloud like Job, instead of weeping like the Magdalen,--a Magdalen +without loves, or galas, or prodigalities, but not without beauty and +fragrance. The net came in at her feet full of fish; tench, barbels, +pike, perch, and an enormous carp, which floundered about on the +grass. + +"Madame brings luck!" exclaimed the keeper. + +All the laborers opened their eyes as they looked with admiration at +the woman whose fairy wand seemed to have touched the nets. Just then +the huntsman was seen urging his horse over the meadows at a full +gallop. Fear took possession of her. Jacques was not with us, and the +mother's first thought, as Virgil so poetically says, is to press her +children to her breast when danger threatens. + +"Jacques! Where is Jacques? What has happened to my boy?" + +She did not love me! If she had loved me I should have seen upon her +face when confronted with my sufferings that expression of a lioness +in despair. + +"Madame la comtesse, Monsieur le comte is worse." + +She breathed more freely and started to run towards Clochegourde, +followed by me and by Madeleine. + +"Follow me slowly," she said, looking back; "don't let the dear child +overheat herself. You see how it is; Monsieur de Mortsauf took that +walk in the sun which put him into a perspiration, and sitting under +the walnut-tree may be the cause of a great misfortune." + +The words, said in the midst of her agitation, showed plainly the +purity of her soul. The death of the count a misfortune! She reached +Clochegourde with great rapidity, passing through a gap in the wall +and crossing the fields. I returned slowly. Henriette's words lighted +my mind, but as the lightning falls and blasts the gathered harvest. +On the river I had fancied I was her chosen one; now I felt bitterly +the sincerity of her words. The lover who is not everything is +nothing. I loved with the desire of a love that knows what it seeks; +which feeds in advance on coming transports, and is content with the +pleasures of the soul because it mingles with them others which the +future keeps in store. If Henriette loved, it was certain that she +knew neither the pleasures of love nor its tumults. She lived by +feelings only, like a saint with God. I was the object on which her +thoughts fastened as bees swarm upon the branch of a flowering tree. +In my mad jealousy I reproached myself that I had dared nothing, that +I had not tightened the bonds of a tenderness which seemed to me at +that moment more subtile than real, by the chains of positive +possession. + +The count's illness, caused perhaps by a chill under the walnut-tree, +became alarming in a few hours. I went to Tours for a famous doctor +named Origet, but was unable to find him until evening. He spent that +night and the next day at Clochegourde. We had sent the huntsman in +quest of leeches, but the doctor, thinking the case urgent, wished to +bleed the count immediately, but had brought no lancet with him. I at +once started for Azay in the midst of a storm, roused a surgeon, +Monsieur Deslandes, and compelled him to come with the utmost celerity +to Clochegourde. Ten minutes later and the count would have died; the +bleeding saved him. But in spite of this preliminary success the +doctor predicted an inflammatory fever of the worst kind. The countess +was overcome by the fear that she was the secret cause of this crisis. +Two weak to thank me for my exertions, she merely gave me a few +smiles, the equivalent of the kiss she had once laid upon my hand. +Fain would I have seen in those haggard smiles the remorse of illicit +love; but no, they were only the act of contrition of an innocent +repentance, painful to see in one so pure, the expression of admiring +tenderness for me whom she regarded as noble while reproaching herself +for an imaginary wrong. Surely she loved as Laura loved Petrarch, and +not as Francesca da Rimini loved Paolo,--a terrible discovery for him +who had dreamed the union of the two loves. + +The countess half lay, her body bent forwards, her arms hanging, in a +soiled armchair in a room that was like the lair of a wild boar. The +next evening before the doctor departed he said to the countess, who +had sat up the night before, that she must get a nurse, as the illness +would be a long one. + +"A nurse!" she said; "no, no! We will take care of him," she added, +looking at me; "we owe it to ourselves to save him." + +The doctor gave us both an observing look full of astonishment. The +words were of a nature to make him suspect an atonement. He promised +to come twice a week, left directions for the treatment with Monsieur +Deslandes, and pointed out the threatening symptoms that might oblige +us to send for him. I asked the countess to let me sit up the +alternate nights and then, not without difficulty, I persuaded her to +go to bed on the third night. When the house was still and the count +sleeping I heard a groan from Henriette's room. My anxiety was so keen +that I went to her. She was kneeling before the crucifix bathed in +tears. "My God!" she cried; "if this be the cost of a murmur, I will +never complain again." + +"You have left him!" she said on seeing me. + +"I heard you moaning, and I was frightened." + +"Oh, I!" she said; "I am well." + +Wishing to be certain that Monsieur de Mortsauf was asleep she came +down with me; by the light of the lamp we looked at him. The count was +weakened by the loss of blood and was more drowsy than asleep; his +hands picked the counterpane and tried to draw it over him. + +"They say the dying do that," she whispered. "Ah! if he were to die of +this illness, that I have caused, never will I marry again, I swear +it," she said, stretching her hand over his head with a solemn +gesture. + +"I have done all I could to save him," I said. + +"Oh, you!" she said, "you are good; it is I who am guilty." + +She stooped to that discolored brow, wiped the perspiration from it +and laid a kiss there solemnly; but I saw, not without joy, that she +did it as an expiation. + +"Blanche, I am thirsty," said the count in a feeble voice. + +"You see he knows me," she said giving him to drink. + +Her accent, her affectionate manner to him seemed to me to take the +feelings that bound us together and immolate them to the sick man. + +"Henriette," I said, "go and rest, I entreat you." + +"No more Henriette," she said, interrupting me with imperious haste. + +"Go to bed if you would not be ill. Your children, _he himself_ would +order you to be careful; it is a case where selfishness becomes a +virtue." + +"Yes," she said. + +She went away, recommending her husband to my care by a gesture which +would have seemed like approaching delirium if childlike grace had not +been mingled with the supplicating forces of repentance. But the scene +was terrible, judged by the habitual state of that pure soul; it +alarmed me; I feared the exaltation of her conscience. When the doctor +came again, I revealed to him the nature of my pure Henriette's +self-reproach. This confidence, made discreetly, removed Monsieur +Origet's suspicions, and enabled him to quiet the distress of that +noble soul by telling her that in any case the count had to pass +through this crisis, and that as for the nut-tree, his remaining there +had done more good than harm by developing the disease. + +For fifty-two days the count hovered between life and death. Henriette +and I each watched twenty-six nights. Undoubtedly, Monsieur de +Mortsauf owed his life to our nursing and to the careful exactitude +with which we carried out the orders of Monsieur Origet. Like all +philosophical physicians, whose sagacious observation of what passes +before them justifies many a doubt of noble actions when they are only +the accomplishment of a duty, this man, while assisting the countess +and me in our rivalry of devotion, could not help watching us, with +scrutinizing glances, so afraid was he of being deceived in his +admiration. + +"In diseases of this nature," he said to me at his third visit, "death +has a powerful auxiliary in the moral nature when that is seriously +disturbed, as it is in this case. The doctor, the family, the nurses +hold the patient's life in their hands; sometimes a single word, a +fear expressed by a gesture, has the effect of poison." + +As he spoke Origet studied my face and expression; but he saw in my +eyes the clear look of an honest soul. In fact during the whole course +of this distressing illness there never passed through my mind a +single one of the involuntary evil thoughts which do sometimes sear +the consciences of the innocent. To those who study nature in its +grandeur as a whole all tends to unity through assimilation. The moral +world must undoubtedly be ruled by an analogous principle. In an pure +sphere all is pure. The atmosphere of heaven was around my Henriette; +it seemed as though an evil desire must forever part me from her. Thus +she not only stood for happiness, but for virtue; she _was_ virtue. +Finding us always equally careful and attentive, the doctor's words +and manners took a tone of respect and even pity; he seemed to say to +himself, "Here are the real sufferers; they hide their ills, and +forget them." By a fortunate change, which, according to our excellent +doctor, is common enough in men who are completely shattered, Monsieur +de Mortsauf was patient, obedient, complained little, and showed +surprising docility,--he, who when well never did the simplest thing +without discussion. The secret of this submission to medical care, +which he formerly so derided, was an innate dread of death; another +contradiction in a man of tried courage. This dread may perhaps +explain several other peculiarities in the character which the cruel +years of exile had developed. + +Shall I admit to you, Natalie, and will you believe me? these fifty +days and the month that followed them were the happiest moments of my +life. Love, in the celestial spaces of the soul is like a noble river +flowing through a valley; the rains, the brooks, the torrents hie to +it, the trees fall upon its surface, so do the flowers, the gravel of +its shores, the rocks of the summits; storms and the loitering tribute +of the crystal streams alike increase it. Yes, when love comes all +comes to love! + +The first great danger over, the countess and I grew accustomed to +illness. In spite of the confusion which the care of the sick entails, +the count's room, once so untidy, was now clean and inviting. Soon we +were like two beings flung upon a desert island, for not only do +anxieties isolate, but they brush aside as petty the conventions of +the world. The welfare of the sick man obliged us to have points of +contact which no other circumstances would have authorized. Many a +time our hands, shy or timid formerly, met in some service that we +rendered to the count--was I not there to sustain and help my +Henriette? Absorbed in a duty comparable to that of a soldier at the +pickets, she forgot to eat; then I served her, sometimes on her lap, a +hasty meal which necessitated a thousand little attentions. We were +like children at a grave. She would order me sharply to prepare +whatever might ease the sick man's suffering; she employed me in a +hundred petty ways. During the time when actual danger obscured, as it +does during the battle, the subtile distinctions which characterize +the facts of ordinary life, she necessarily laid aside the reserve +which all women, even the most unconventional, preserve in their looks +and words and actions before the world or their own family. At the +first chirping of the birds she would come to relieve my watch, +wearing a morning garment which revealed to me once more the dazzling +treasures that in my folly I had treated as my own. Always dignified, +nay imposing, she could still be familiar. + +Thus it came to pass that we found ourselves unconsciously intimate, +half-married as it were. She showed herself nobly confiding, as sure +of me as she was of herself. I was thus taken deeper and deeper into +her heart. The countess became once more my Henriette, Henriette +constrained to love with increasing strength the friend who endeavored +to be her second soul. Her hand unresistingly met mine at the least +solicitation; my eyes were permitted to follow with delight the lines +of her beauty during the long hours when we listened to the count's +breathing, without driving her from their sight. The meagre pleasures +which we allowed ourselves--sympathizing looks, words spoken in +whispers not to wake the count, hopes and fears repeated and again +repeated, in short, the thousand incidents of the fusion of two hearts +long separated--stand out in bright array upon the sombre background +of the actual scene. Our souls knew each other to their depths under +this test, which many a warm affection is unable to bear, finding life +too heavy or too flimsy in the close bonds of hourly intercourse. + +You know what disturbance follows the illness of a master; how the +affairs of life seem to come to a standstill. Though the real care of +the family and estate fell upon Madame de Mortsauf, the count was +useful in his way; he talked with the farmers, transacted business +with his bailiff, and received the rents; if she was the soul, he was +the body. I now made myself her steward so that she could nurse the +count without neglecting the property. She accepted this as a matter +of course, in fact without thanking me. It was another sweet communion +to share her family cares, to transmit her orders. In the evenings we +often met in her room to discuss these interests and those of her +children. Such conversations gave one semblance the more to our +transitory marriage. With what delight she encouraged me to take a +husband's place, giving me his seat at table, sending me to talk with +the bailiff,--all in perfect innocence, yet not without that inward +pleasure the most virtuous woman in the world will feel when she finds +a course where strict obedience to duty and the satisfaction of her +wishes are combined. + +Nullified, as it were, by illness, the count no longer oppressed his +wife or his household, the countess then became her natural self; she +busied herself with my affairs and showed me a thousand kindnesses. +With what joy I discovered in her mind a thought, vaguely conceived +perhaps, but exquisitely expressed, namely, to show me the full value +of her person and her qualities and make me see the change that would +come over her if she lived understood. This flower, kept in the cold +atmosphere of such a home, opened to my gaze, and to mine only; she +took as much delight in letting me comprehend her as I felt in +studying her with the searching eyes of love. She proved to me in all +the trifling things of daily life how much I was in her thoughts. +When, after my turn of watching, I went to bed and slept late, +Henriette would keep the house absolutely silent near me; Jacques and +Madeleine played elsewhere, though never ordered to do so; she +invented excuses to serve my breakfast herself--ah, with what +sparkling pleasure in her movements, what swallow-like rapidity, what +lynx-eyed perception! and then! what carnation on her cheeks, what +quiverings in her voice! + +Can such expansions of the soul be described in words? + +Often she was wearied out; but if, at such moments of lassitude my +welfare came in question, for me, as for her children, she found fresh +strength and sprang up eagerly and joyfully. How she loved to shed her +tenderness like sunbeams in the air! Ah, Natalie, some women share the +privileges of angels here below; they diffuse that light which +Saint-Martin, the mysterious philosopher, declared to be intelligent, +melodious, and perfumed. Sure of my discretion, Henriette took +pleasure in raising the curtain which hid the future and in showing me +two women in her,--the woman bound hand and foot who had won me in +spite of her severity, and the woman freed, whose sweetness should +make my love eternal! What a difference. Madame de Mortsauf was the +skylark of Bengal, transported to our cold Europe, mournful on its +perch, silent and dying in the cage of a naturalist; Henriette was the +singing bird of oriental poems in groves beside the Ganges, flying +from branch to branch like a living jewel amid the roses of a +volkameria that ever blooms. Her beauty grew more beautiful, her mind +recovered strength. The continual sparkle of this happiness was a +secret between ourselves, for she dreaded the eye of the Abbe Dominis, +the representative of the world; she masked her contentment with +playfulness, and covered the proofs of her tenderness with the banner +of gratitude. + +"We have put your friendship to a severe test, Felix; we may give you +the same rights we give to Jacques, may we not, Monsieur l'abbe?" she +said one day. + +The stern abbe answered with the smile of a man who can read the human +heart and see its purity; for the countess he always showed the +respect mingled with adoration which the angels inspire. Twice during +those fifty days the countess passed beyond the limits in which we +held our affection. But even these infringements were shrouded in a +veil, never lifted until the final hour when avowal came. One morning, +during the first days of the count's illness, when she repented her +harsh treatment in withdrawing the innocent privileges she had +formerly granted me, I was expecting her to relieve my watch. Much +fatigued, I fell asleep, my head against the wall. I wakened suddenly +at the touch of something cool upon my forehead which gave me a +sensation as if a rose had rested there. I opened my eyes and saw the +countess, standing a few steps distant, who said, "I have just come." +I rose to leave the room, but as I bade her good-bye I took her hand; +it was moist and trembling. + +"Are you ill?" I said. + +"Why do you ask that question?" she replied. + +I looked at her blushing and confused. "I was dreaming," I replied. + +Another time, when Monsieur Origet had announced positively that the +count was convalescent, I was lying with Jacques and Madeleine on the +step of the portico intent on a game of spillikins which we were +playing with bits of straw and hooks made of pins; Monsieur de +Mortsauf was asleep. The doctor, while waiting for his horse to be +harnessed, was talking with the countess in the salon. Monsieur Origet +went away without my noticing his departure. After he left, Henriette +leaned against the window, from which she watched us for some time +without our seeing her. It was one of those warm evenings when the sky +is copper-colored and the earth sends up among the echoes a myriad +mingling noises. A last ray of sunlight was leaving the roofs, the +flowers in the garden perfumed the air, the bells of the cattle +returning to their stalls sounded in the distance. We were all +conforming to the silence of the evening hour and hushing our voices +that we might not wake the count. Suddenly, I heard the guttural sound +of a sob violently suppressed; I rushed into the salon and found the +countess sitting by the window with her handkerchief to her face. She +heard my step and made me an imperious gesture, commanding me to leave +her. I went up to her, my heart stabbed with fear, and tried to take +her handkerchief away by force. Her face was bathed in tears and she +fled into her room, which she did not leave again until the hour for +evening prayer. When that was over, I led her to the terrace and asked +the cause of her emotion; she affected a wild gaiety and explained it +by the news Monsieur Origet had given her. + +"Henriette, Henriette, you knew that news when I saw you weeping. +Between you and me a lie is monstrous. Why did you forbid me to dry +your tears? were they mine?" + +"I was thinking," she said, "that for me this illness has been a halt +in pain. Now that I no longer fear for Monsieur de Mortsauf I fear for +myself." + +She was right. The count's recovery was soon attested by the return of +his fantastic humor. He began by saying that neither the countess, nor +I, nor the doctor had known how to take care of him; we were ignorant +of his constitution and also of his disease; we misunderstood his +sufferings and the necessary remedies. Origet, infatuated with his own +doctrines, had mistaken the case, he ought to have attended only to +the pylorus. One day he looked at us maliciously, with an air of +having guessed our thoughts, and said to his wife with a smile, "Now, +my dear, if I had died you would have regretted me, no doubt, but pray +admit you would have been quite resigned." + +"Yes, I should have mourned you in pink and black, court mourning," +she answered laughing, to change the tone of his remarks. + +But it was chiefly about his food, which the doctor insisted on +regulating, that scenes of violence and wrangling now took place, +unlike any that had hitherto occurred; for the character of the count +was all the more violent for having slumbered. The countess, fortified +by the doctor's orders and the obedience of her servants, stimulated +too by me, who thought this struggle a good means to teach her to +exercise authority over the count, held out against his violence. She +showed a calm front to his demented cries, and even grew accustomed to +his insulting epithets, taking him for what he was, a child. I had the +happiness of at last seeing her take the reins in hand and govern that +unsound mind. The count cried out, but he obeyed; and he obeyed all +the better when he had made an outcry. But in spite of the evidence of +good results, Henriette often wept at the spectacle of this emaciated, +feeble old man, with a forehead yellower than the falling leaves, his +eyes wan, his hands trembling. She blamed herself for too much +severity, and could not resist the joy she saw in his eyes when, in +measuring out his food, she gave him more than the doctor allowed. She +was even more gentle and gracious to him than she had been to me; but +there were differences here which filled my heart with joy. She was +not unwearying, and she sometimes called her servants to wait upon the +count when his caprices changed too rapidly, and he complained of not +being understood. + +The countess wished to return thanks to God for the count's recovery; +she directed a mass to be said, and asked if I would take her to +church. I did so, but I left her at the door, and went to see Monsieur +and Madame Chessel. On my return she reproached me. + +"Henriette," I said, "I cannot be false. I will throw myself into the +water to save my enemy from drowning, and give him my coat to keep him +warm; I will forgive him, but I cannot forget the wrong." + +She was silent, but she pressed my arm. + +"You are an angel, and you were sincere in your thanksgiving," I said, +continuing. "The mother of the Prince of the Peace was saved from the +hands of an angry populace who sought to kill her, and when the queen +asked, 'What did you do?' she answered, 'I prayed for them.' Women are +ever thus. I am a man, and necessarily imperfect." + +"Don't calumniate yourself," she said, shaking my arm, "perhaps you +are more worthy than I." + +"Yes," I replied, "for I would give eternity for a day of happiness, +and you--" + +"I!" she said haughtily. + +I was silent and lowered my eyes to escape the lightning of hers. + +"There is many an I in me," she said. "Of which do you speak? Those +children," pointing to Jacques and Madeleine, "are one--Felix," she +cried in a heartrending voice, "do you think me selfish? Ought I to +sacrifice eternity to reward him who devotes to me his life? The +thought is dreadful; it wounds every sentiment of religion. Could a +woman so fallen rise again? Would her happiness absolve her? These are +questions you force me to consider.--Yes, I betray at last the secret +of my conscience; the thought has traversed my heart; often do I +expiate it by penance; it caused the tears you asked me to account for +yesterday--" + +"Do you not give too great importance to certain things which common +women hold at a high price, and--" + +"Oh!" she said, interrupting me; "do you hold them at a lower?" + +This logic stopped all argument. + +"Know this," she continued. "I might have the baseness to abandon that +poor old man whose life I am; but, my friend, those other feeble +creatures there before us, Madeleine and Jacques, would remain with +their father. Do you think, I ask you do you think they would be alive +in three months under the insane dominion of that man? If my failure +of duty concerned only myself--" A noble smile crossed her face. "But +shall I kill my children! My God!" she exclaimed. "Why speak of these +things? Marry, and let me die!" + +She said the words in a tone so bitter, so hollow, that they stifled +the remonstrances of my passion. + +"You uttered cries that day beneath the walnut-tree; I have uttered my +cries here beneath these alders, that is all," I said; "I will be +silent henceforth." + +"Your generosity shames me," she said, raising her eyes to heaven. + +We reached the terrace and found the count sitting in a chair, in the +sun. The sight of that sunken face, scarcely brightened by a feeble +smile, extinguished the last flames that came from the ashes. I leaned +against the balustrade and considered the picture of that poor wreck, +between his sickly children and his wife, pale with her vigils, worn +out by extreme fatigue, by the fears, perhaps also by the joys of +these terrible months, but whose cheeks now glowed from the emotions +she had just passed through. At the sight of that suffering family +beneath the trembling leafage through which the gray light of a cloudy +autumn sky came dimly, I felt within me a rupture of the bonds which +hold the body to the spirit. There came upon me then that moral spleen +which, they say, the strongest wrestlers know in the crisis of their +combats, a species of cold madness which makes a coward of the bravest +man, a bigot of an unbeliever, and renders those it grasps indifferent +to all things, even to vital sentiments, to honor, to love--for the +doubt it brings takes from us the knowledge of ourselves and disgusts +us with life itself. Poor, nervous creatures, whom the very richness +of your organization delivers over to this mysterious, fatal power, +who are your peers and who your judges? Horrified by the thoughts that +rose within me, and demanding, like the wicked man, "Where is now thy +God?" I could not restrain the tears that rolled down my cheeks. + +"What is it, dear Felix?" said Madeleine in her childish voice. + +Then Henriette put to flight these dark horrors of the mind by a look +of tender solicitude which shone into my soul like a sunbeam. Just +then the old huntsman brought me a letter from Tours, at sight of +which I made a sudden cry of surprise, which made Madame de Mortsauf +tremble. I saw the king's signet and knew it contained my recall. I +gave her the letter and she read it at a glance. + +"What will become of me?" she murmured, beholding her desert sunless. + +We fell into a stupor of thought which oppressed us equally; never had +we felt more strongly how necessary we were to one another. The +countess, even when she spoke indifferently of other things, seemed to +have a new voice, as if the instrument had lost some chords and others +were out of tune. Her movements were apathetic, her eyes without +light. I begged her to tell me her thoughts. + +"Have I any?" she replied in a dazed way. + +She drew me into her chamber, made me sit upon the sofa, took a +package from the drawer of her dressing-table, and knelt before me, +saying: "This hair has fallen from my head during the last year; take +it, it is yours; you will some day know how and why." + +Slowly I bent to meet her brow, and she did not avoid my lips. I +kissed her sacredly, without unworthy passion, without one impure +impulse, but solemnly, with tenderness. Was she willing to make the +sacrifice; or did she merely come, as I did once, to the verge of the +precipice? If love were leading her to give herself could she have +worn that calm, that holy look; would she have asked, in that pure +voice of hers, "You are not angry with me, are you?" + +I left that evening; she wished to accompany me on the road to +Frapesle; and we stopped under my walnut-tree. I showed it to her, and +told her how I had first seen her four years earlier from that spot. +"The valley was so beautiful then!" I cried. + +"And now?" she said quickly. + +"You are beneath my tree, and the valley is ours!" + +She bowed her head and that was our farewell; she got into her +carriage with Madeleine, and I into mine alone. + +On my return to Paris I was absorbed in pressing business which took +all my time and kept me out of society, which for a while forgot me. I +corresponded with Madame de Mortsauf, and sent her my journal once a +week. She answered twice a month. It was a life of solitude yet +teeming, like those sequestered spots, blooming unknown, which I had +sometimes found in the depths of woods when gathering the flowers for +my poems. + +Oh, you who love! take these obligations on you; accept these daily +duties, like those the Church imposes upon Christians. The rigorous +observances of the Roman faith contain a great idea; they plough the +furrow of duty in the soul by the daily repetition of acts which keep +alive the sense of hope and fear. Sentiments flow clearer in furrowed +channels which purify their stream; they refresh the heart, they +fertilize the life from the abundant treasures of a hidden faith, the +source divine in which the single thought of a single love is +multiplied indefinitely. + +My love, an echo of the Middle Ages and of chivalry, was known, I know +not how; possibly the king and the Duc de Lenoncourt had spoken of it. +From that upper sphere the romantic yet simple story of a young man +piously adoring a beautiful woman remote from the world, noble in her +solitude, faithful without support to duty, spread, no doubt quickly, +through the faubourg St. Germain. In the salons I was the object of +embarrassing notice; for retired life has advantages which if once +experienced make the burden of a constant social intercourse +insupportable. Certain minds are painfully affected by violent +contrasts, just as eyes accustomed to soft colors are hurt by glaring +light. This was my condition then; you may be surprised at it now, but +have patience; the inconsistencies of the Vandenesse of to-day will be +explained to you. + +I found society courteous and women most kind. After the marriage of +the Duc de Berry the court resumed its former splendor and the glory +of the French fetes revived. The Allied occupation was over, +prosperity reappeared, enjoyments were again possible. Noted +personages, illustrious by rank, prominent by fortune, came from all +parts of Europe to the capital of the intellect, where the merits and +the vices of other countries were found magnified and whetted by the +charms of French intellect. + +Five months after leaving Clochegourde my good angel wrote me, in the +middle of the winter, a despairing letter, telling me of the serious +illness of her son. He was then out of danger, but there were many +fears for the future; the doctor said that precautions were necessary +for his lungs--the suggestion of a terrible idea which had put the +mother's heart in mourning. Hardly had Jacques begun to convalesce, +and she could breathe again, when Madeleine made them all uneasy. That +pretty plant, whose bloom had lately rewarded the mother's culture, +was now frail and pallid and anemic. The countess, worn-out by +Jacques' long illness, found no courage, she said, to bear this +additional blow, and the ever present spectacle of these two dear +failing creatures made her insensible to the redoubled torment of her +husband's temper. Thus the storms were again raging; tearing up by the +roots the hopes that were planted deepest in her bosom. She was now at +the mercy of the count; weary of the struggle, she allowed him to +regain all the ground he had lost. + +"When all my strength is employed in caring for my children," she +wrote, "how is it possible to employ it against Monsieur de Mortsauf; +how can I struggle against his aggressions when I am fighting against +death? Standing here to-day, alone and much enfeebled, between these +two young images of mournful fate, I am overpowered with disgust, +invincible disgust for life. What blow can I feel, to what affection +can I answer, when I see Jacques motionless on the terrace, scarcely a +sign of life about him, except in those dear eyes, large by +emaciation, hollow as those of an old man and, oh, fatal sign, full of +precocious intelligence contrasting with his physical debility. When I +look at my pretty Madeleine, once so gay, so caressing, so blooming, +now white as death, her very hair and eyes seem to me to have paled; +she turns a languishing look upon me as if bidding me farewell; +nothing rouses her, nothing tempts her. In spite of all my efforts I +cannot amuse my children; they smile at me, but their smile is only in +answer to my endearments, it does not come from them. They weep +because they have no strength to play with me. Suffering has enfeebled +their whole being, it has loosened even the ties that bound them to +me. + +"Thus you can well believe that Clochegourde is very sad. Monsieur de +Mortsauf now rules everything--Oh my friend! you, my glory!" she +wrote, farther on, "you must indeed love me well to love me still; to +love me callous, ungrateful, turned to stone by grief." + + + + CHAPTER III + + THE TWO WOMEN + +It was at this time, when I was never more deeply moved in my whole +being, when I lived in that soul to which I strove to send the +luminous breeze of the mornings and the hope of the crimsoned +evenings, that I met, in the salons of the Elysee-Bourbon, one of +those illustrious ladies who reign as sovereigns in society. Immensely +rich, born of a family whose blood was pure from all misalliance since +the Conquest, married to one of the most distinguished old men of the +British peerage, it was nevertheless evident that these advantages +were mere accessories heightening this lady's beauty, graces, manners, +and wit, all of which had a brilliant quality which dazzled before it +charmed. She was the idol of the day; reigning the more securely over +Parisian society because she possessed the quality most necessary to +success,--the hand of iron in the velvet glove spoken of by +Bernadotte. + +You know the singular characteristics of English people, the distance +and coldness of their own Channel which they put between them and +whoever has not been presented to them in a proper manner. Humanity +seems to be an ant-hill on which they tread; they know none of their +species except the few they admit into their circle; they ignore even +the language of the rest; tongues may move and eyes may see in their +presence but neither sound nor look has reached them; to them, the +people are as if they were not. The British present an image of their +own island, where law rules everything, where all is automatic in +every station of life, where the exercise of virtue appears to be the +necessary working of a machine which goes by clockwork. Fortifications +of polished steel rise around the Englishwoman behind the golden wires +of her household cage (where the feed-box and the drinking-cup, the +perches and the food are exquisite in quality), but they make her +irresistibly attractive. No people ever trained married women so +carefully to hypocrisy by holding them rigidly between the two +extremes of death or social station; for them there is no middle path +between shame and honor; either the wrong is completed or it does not +exist; it is all or nothing,--Hamlet's "To be or not to be." This +alternative, coupled with the scorn to which the customs of her +country have trained her, make an Englishwoman a being apart in the +world. She is a helpless creature, forced to be virtuous yet ready to +yield, condemned to live a lie in her heart, yet delightful in outward +appearance--for these English rest everything on appearances. Hence +the special charms of their women: the enthusiasm for a love which is +all their life; the minuteness of their care for their persons; the +delicacy of their passion, so charmingly rendered in the famous scene +of Romeo and Juliet in which, with one stroke, Shakespeare's genius +depicted his country-women. + +You, who envy them so many things, what can I tell you that you do not +know of these white sirens, impenetrable apparently but easily +fathomed, who believe that love suffices love, and turn enjoyments to +satiety by never varying them; whose soul has one note only, their +voice one syllable--an ocean of love in themselves, it is true, and he +who has never swum there misses part of the poetry of the senses, as +he who has never seen the sea has lost some strings of his lyre. You +know the why and wherefore of these words. My relations with the +Marchioness of Dudley had a disastrous celebrity. At an age when the +senses have dominion over our conduct, and when in my case they had +been violently repressed by circumstances, the image of the saint +bearing her slow martyrdom at Clochegourde shone so vividly before my +mind that I was able to resist all seductions. It was the lustre of +this fidelity which attracted Lady Dudley's attention. My resistance +stimulated her passion. What she chiefly desired, like many +Englishwoman, was the spice of singularity; she wanted pepper, +capsicum, with her heart's food, just as Englishmen need condiments to +excite their appetite. The dull languor forced into the lives of these +women by the constant perfection of everything about them, the +methodical regularity of their habits, leads them to adore the +romantic and to welcome difficulty. I was wholly unable to judge of +such a character. The more I retreated to a cold distance the more +impassioned Lady Dudley became. The struggle, in which she gloried, +excited the curiosity of several persons, and this in itself was a +form of happiness which to her mind made ultimate triumph obligatory. +Ah! I might have been saved if some good friend had then repeated to +me her cruel comment on my relations with Madame de Mortsauf. + +"I am wearied to death," she said, "of these turtle-dove sighings." + +Without seeking to justify my crime, I ask you to observe, Natalie, +that a man has fewer means of resisting a woman than she has of +escaping him. Our code of manners forbids the brutality of repressing +a woman, whereas repression with your sex is not only allurement to +ours, but is imposed upon you by conventions. With us, on the +contrary, some unwritten law of masculine self-conceit ridicules a +man's modesty; we leave you the monopoly of that virtue, that you may +have the privilege of granting us favors; but reverse the case, and +man succumbs before sarcasm. + +Though protected by my love, I was not of an age to be wholly +insensible to the triple seductions of pride, devotion, and beauty. +When Arabella laid at my feet the homage of a ball-room where she +reigned a queen, when she watched by glance to know if my taste +approved of her dress, and when she trembled with pleasure on seeing +that she pleased me, I was affected by her emotion. Besides, she +occupied a social position where I could not escape her; I could not +refuse invitations in the diplomatic circle; her rank admitted her +everywhere, and with the cleverness all women display to obtain what +pleases them, she often contrived that the mistress of the house +should place me beside her at dinner. On such occasions she spoke in +low tones to my ear. "If I were loved like Madame de Mortsauf," she +said once, "I should sacrifice all." She did submit herself with a +laugh in many humble ways; she promised me a discretion equal to any +test, and even asked that I would merely suffer her to love me. "Your +friend always, your mistress when you will," she said. At last, after +an evening when she had made herself so beautiful that she was certain +to have excited my desires, she came to me. The scandal resounded +through England, where the aristocracy was horrified like heaven +itself at the fall of its highest angel. Lady Dudley abandoned her +place in the British empyrean, gave up her wealth, and endeavored to +eclipse by her sacrifices _her_ whose virtue had been the cause of this +great disaster. She took delight, like the devil on the pinnacle of +the temple, in showing me all the riches of her passionate kingdom. + +Read me, I pray you, with indulgence. The matter concerns one of the +most interesting problems of human life,--a crisis to which most men +are subjected, and which I desire to explain, if only to place a +warning light upon the reef. This beautiful woman, so slender, so +fragile, this milk-white creature, so yielding, so submissive, so +gentle, her brow so endearing, the hair that crowns it so fair and +fine, this tender woman, whose brilliancy is phosphorescent and +fugitive, has, in truth, an iron nature. No horse, no matter how fiery +he may be, can conquer her vigorous wrist, or strive against that hand +so soft in appearance, but never tired. She has the foot of a doe, a +thin, muscular little foot, indescribably graceful in outline. She is +so strong that she fears no struggle; men cannot follow her on +horseback; she would win a steeple-chase against a centaur; she can +bring down a stag without stopping her horse. Her body never +perspires; it inhales the fire of the atmosphere, and lives in water +under pain of not living at all. Her love is African; her desires are +like the whirlwinds of the desert--the desert, whose torrid expanse is +in her eyes, the azure, love-laden desert, with its changeless skies, +its cool and starry nights. What a contrast to Clochegourde! the east +and the west! the one drawing into her every drop of moisture for her +own nourishment, the other exuding her soul, wrapping her dear ones in +her luminous atmosphere; the one quick and slender; the other slow and +massive. + +Have you ever reflected on the actual meaning of the manners and +customs and morals of England? Is it not the deification of matter? a +well-defined, carefully considered Epicureanism, judiciously applied? +No matter what may be said against the statement, England is +materialist,--possibly she does not know it herself. She lays claim to +religion and morality, from which, however, divine spirituality, the +catholic soul, is absent; and its fructifying grace cannot be replaced +by any counterfeit, however well presented it may be. England +possesses in the highest degree that science of existence which turns +to account every particle of materiality; the science that makes her +women's slippers the most exquisite slippers in the world, gives to +their linen ineffable fragrance, lines their drawers with cedar, +serves tea carefully drawn, at a certain hour, banishes dust, nails +the carpets to the floors in every corner of the house, brushes the +cellar walls, polishes the knocker of the front door, oils the springs +of the carriage,--in short, makes matter a nutritive and downy pulp, +clean and shining, in the midst of which the soul expires of enjoyment +and the frightful monotony of comfort in a life without contrasts, +deprived of spontaneity, and which, to sum all in one word, makes a +machine of you. + +Thus I suddenly came to know, in the bosom of this British luxury, a +woman who is perhaps unique among her sex; who caught me in the nets +of a love excited by my indifference, and to the warmth of which I +opposed a stern continence,--one of those loves possessed of +overwhelming charm, an electricity of their own, which lead us to the +skies through the ivory gates of slumber, or bear us thither on their +powerful pinions. A love monstrously ungrateful, which laughs at the +bodies of those it kills; love without memory, a cruel love, +resembling the policy of the English nation; a love to which, alas, +most men yield. You understand the problem? Man is composed of matter +and spirit; animality comes to its end in him, and the angel begins in +him. There lies the struggle we all pass through, between the future +destiny of which we are conscious and the influence of anterior +instincts from which we are not wholly detached,--carnal love and +divine love. One man combines them, another abstains altogether; some +there are who seek the satisfaction of their anterior appetites from +the whole sex; others idealize their love in one woman who is to them +the universe; some float irresolutely between the delights of matter +and the joys of soul, others spiritualize the body, requiring of it +that which it cannot give. + +If, thinking over these leading characteristics of love, you take into +account the dislikes and the affinities which result from the +diversity of organisms, and which sooner or later break all ties +between those who have not fully tried each other; if you add to this +the mistakes arising from the hopes of those who live more +particularly either by their minds, or by their hearts, or by action, +who either think, or feel, or act, and whose tendency is misunderstood +in the close association in which two persons, equal counterparts, +find themselves, you will have great indulgence for sorrows to which +the world is pitiless. Well, Lady Dudley gratified the instincts, +organs, appetites, the vices and virtues of the subtile matter of +which we are made; she was the mistress of the body; Madame de +Mortsauf was the wife of the soul. The love which the mistress +satisfies has its limits; matter is finite, its inherent qualities +have an ascertained force, it is capable of saturation; often I felt a +void even in Paris, near Lady Dudley. Infinitude is the region of the +heart, love had no limits at Clochegourde. I loved Lady Dudley +passionately; and certainly, though the animal in her was magnificent, +she was also superior in mind; her sparkling and satirical +conversation had a wide range. But I adored Henriette. At night I wept +with happiness, in the morning with remorse. + +Some women have the art to hide their jealousy under a tone of angelic +kindness; they are, like Lady Dudley, over thirty years of age. Such +women know how to feel and how to calculate; they press out the juices +of to-day and think of the future also; they can stifle a moan, often +a natural one, with the will of a huntsman who pays no heed to a wound +in the ardor of the chase. Without ever speaking of Madame de +Mortsauf, Arabella endeavored to kill her in my soul, where she ever +found her, her own passion increasing with the consciousness of that +invincible love. Intending to triumph by comparisons which would turn +to her advantage, she was never suspicious, or complaining, or +inquisitive, as are most young women; but, like a lioness who has +seized her prey and carries it to her lair to devour, she watched that +nothing should disturb her feast, and guarded me like a rebellious +captive. I wrote to Henriette under her very eyes, but she never read +a line of my letters; she never sought in any way to know to whom they +were addressed. I had my liberty; she seemed to say to herself, "If I +lose him it shall be my own fault," and she proudly relied on a love +that would have given me her life had I asked for it,--in fact she +often told me that if I left her she would kill herself. I have heard +her praise the custom of Indian widows who burn themselves upon their +husband's grave. "In India that is a distinction reserved for the +higher classes," she said, "and is very little understood by +Europeans, who are incapable of understanding the grandeur of the +privilege; you must admit, however, that on the dead level of our +modern customs aristocracy can rise to greatness only through +unparalleled devotions. How can I prove to the middle classes that the +blood in my veins is not the same as theirs, unless I show them that I +can die as they cannot? Women of no birth can have diamonds and satins +and horses--even coats-of-arms, which ought to be sacred to us, for +any one can buy a name. But to love, with our heads up, in defiance of +law; to die for the idol we have chosen, with the sheets of our bed +for a shroud; to lay earth and heaven at his feet, robbing the +Almighty of his right to make a god, and never to betray that man, +never, never, even for virtue's sake,--for, to refuse him anything in +the name of duty is to devote ourselves to something that is not _he_, +and let that something be a man or an idea, it is betrayal all the +same,--these are heights to which common women cannot attain; they +know but two matter-of-fact ways; the great high-road of virtue, or +the muddy path of the courtesan." + +Pride, you see, was her instrument; she flattered all vanities by +deifying them. She put me so high that she might live at my feet; in +fact, the seductions of her spirit were literally expressed by an +attitude of subserviency and her complete submission. In what words +shall I describe those first six months when I was lost in enervating +enjoyments, in the meshes of a love fertile in pleasures and knowing +how to vary them with a cleverness learned by long experience, yet +hiding that knowledge beneath the transports of passion. These +pleasures, the sudden revelation of the poetry of the senses, +constitute the powerful tie which binds young men to women older than +they. It is the chain of the galley-slave; it leaves an ineffaceable +brand upon the soul, filling it with disgust for pure and innocent +love decked with flowers only, which serves no alcohol in curiously +chased cups inlaid with jewels and sparkling with unquenchable fires. + +Recalling my early dreams of pleasures I knew nothing of, expressed at +Clochegourde in my "selams," the voice of my flowers, pleasures which +the union of souls renders all the more ardent, I found many +sophistries by which I excused to myself the delight with which I +drained that jewelled cup. Often, when, lost in infinite lassitude, my +soul disengaged itself from the body and floated far from earth, I +thought that these pleasures might be the means of abolishing matter +and of rendering to the spirit its power to soar. Sometimes Lady +Dudley, like other women, profited by the exaltation in which I was to +bind me by promises; under the lash of a desire she wrung blasphemies +from my lips against the angel at Clochegourde. Once a traitor I +became a scoundrel. I continued to write to Madame de Mortsauf, in the +tone of the lad she had first known in his strange blue coat; but, I +admit it, her gift of second-sight terrified me when I thought what +ruin the indiscretion of a word might bring to the dear castle of my +hopes. Often, in the midst of my pleasure a sudden horror seized me; I +heard the name of Henriette uttered by a voice above me, like that in +the Scriptures, demanding: "Cain, where is thy brother Abel?" + +At last my letters remained unanswered. I was seized with horrible +anxiety and wished to leave for Clochegourde. Arabella did not oppose +it, but she talked of accompanying me to Touraine. Her woman's wit +told her that the journey might be a means of finally detaching me +from her rival; while I, blind with fear and guilelessly unsuspicious, +did not see the trap she set for me. Lady Dudley herself proposed the +humblest concessions. She would stay near Tours, at a little +country-place, alone, disguised; she would refrain from going out in +the day-time, and only meet me in the evening when people were not +likely to be about. I left Tours on horseback. I had my reasons for +this; my evening excursions to meet her would require a horse, and mine +was an Arab which Lady Hester Stanhope had sent to the marchioness, and +which she had lately exchanged with me for that famous picture of +Rembrandt which I obtained in so singular a way, and which now hangs in +her drawing-room in London. I took the road I had traversed on foot six +years earlier and stopped beneath my walnut-tree. From there I saw +Madame de Mortsauf in a white dress standing at the edge of the +terrace. Instantly I rode towards her with the speed of lightning, in +a straight line and across country. She heard the stride of the +swallow of the desert and when I pulled him up suddenly at the +terrace, she said to me: "Oh, you here!" + +Those three words blasted me. She knew my treachery. Who had told her? +her mother, whose hateful letter she afterwards showed me. The feeble, +indifferent voice, once so full of life, the dull pallor of its tones +revealed a settled grief, exhaling the breath of flowers cut and left +to wither. The tempest of infidelity, like those freshets of the Loire +which bury the meadows for all time in sand, had torn its way through +her soul, leaving a desert where once the verdure clothed the fields. +I led my horse through the little gate; he lay down on the grass at my +command and the countess, who came forward slowly, exclaimed, "What a +fine animal!" She stood with folded arms lest I should try to take her +hand; I guessed her meaning. + +"I will let Monsieur de Mortsauf know you are here," she said, leaving +me. + +I stood still, confounded, letting her go, watching her, always noble, +slow, and proud,--whiter than I had ever seen her; on her brow the +yellow imprint of bitterest melancholy, her head bent like a lily +heavy with rain. + +"Henriette!" I cried in the agony of a man about to die. + +She did not turn or pause; she disdained to say that she withdrew from +me that name, but she did not answer to it and continued on. I may +feel paltry and small in this dreadful vale of life where myriads of +human beings now dust make the surface of the globe, small indeed +among that crowd, hurrying beneath the luminous spaces which light +them; but what sense of humiliation could equal that with which I +watched her calm white figure inflexibly mounting with even steps the +terraces of her chateau of Clochegourde, the pride and the torture of +that Christian Dido? I cursed Arabella in a single imprecation which +might have killed her had she heard it, she who had left all for me as +some leave all for God. I remained lost in a world of thought, +conscious of utter misery on all sides. Presently I saw the whole +family coming down; Jacques, running with the eagerness of his age. +Madeleine, a gazelle with mournful eyes, walked with her mother. +Monsieur de Mortsauf came to me with open arms, pressed me to him and +kissed me on both cheeks crying out, "Felix, I know now that I owed +you my life." + +Madame de Mortsauf stood with her back towards me during this little +scene, under pretext of showing the horse to Madeleine. + +"Ha, the devil! that's what women are," cried the count; "admiring +your horse!" + +Madeleine turned, came up to me, and I kissed her hand, looking at the +countess, who colored. + +"Madeleine seems much better," I said. + +"Poor little girl!" said the countess, kissing her on her forehead. + +"Yes, for the time being they are all well," answered the count. +"Except me, Felix; I am as battered as an old tower about to fall." + +"The general is still depressed," I remarked to Madame de Mortsauf. + +"We all have our blue devils--is not that the English term?" she +replied. + +The whole party walked on towards the vineyard with the feeling that +some serious event had happened. She had no wish to be alone with me. +Still, I was her guest. + +"But about your horse? why isn't he attended to?" said the count. + +"You see I am wrong if I think of him, and wrong if I do not," +remarked the countess. + +"Well, yes," said her husband; "there is a time to do things, and a +time not to do them." + +"I will attend to him," I said, finding this sort of greeting +intolerable. "No one but myself can put him into his stall; my groom +is coming by the coach from Chinon; he will rub him down." + +"I suppose your groom is from England," she said. + +"That is where they all come from," remarked the count, who grew +cheerful in proportion as his wife seemed depressed. Her coldness gave +him an opportunity to oppose her, and he overwhelmed me with +friendliness. + +"My dear Felix," he said, taking my hand, and pressing it +affectionately, "pray forgive Madame de Mortsauf; women are so +whimsical. But it is owing to their weakness; they cannot have the +evenness of temper we owe to our strength of character. She really +loves you, I know it; only--" + +While the count was speaking Madame de Mortsauf gradually moved away +from us so as to leave us alone. + +"Felix," said the count, in a low voice, looking at his wife, who was +now going up to the house with her two children, "I don't know what is +going on in Madame de Mortsauf's mind, but for the last six weeks her +disposition has completely changed. She, so gentle, so devoted +hitherto, is now extraordinarily peevish." + +Manette told me later that the countess had fallen into a state of +depression which made her indifferent to the count's provocations. No +longer finding a soft substance in which he could plant his arrows, +the man became as uneasy as a child when the poor insect it is +tormenting ceases to move. He now needed a confidant, as the hangman +needs a helper. + +"Try to question Madame de Mortsauf," he said after a pause, "and find +out what is the matter. A woman always has secrets from her husband; +but perhaps she will tell you what troubles her. I would sacrifice +everything to make her happy, even to half my remaining days or half +my fortune. She is necessary to my very life. If I have not that angel +at my side as I grow old I shall be the most wretched of men. I do +desire to die easy. Tell her I shall not be here long to trouble her. +Yes, Felix, my poor friend, I am going fast, I know it. I hide the +fatal truth from every one; why should I worry them beforehand? The +trouble is in the orifice of the stomach, my friend. I have at last +discovered the true cause of this disease; it is my sensibility that +is killing me. Indeed, all our feelings affect the gastric centre." + +"Then do you mean," I said, smiling, "that the best-hearted people die +of their stomachs?" + +"Don't laugh, Felix; nothing is more absolutely true. Too keen a +sensibility increases the play of the sympathetic nerve; these +excitements of feeling keep the mucous membrane of the stomach in a +state of constant irritation. If this state continues it deranges, at +first insensibly, the digestive functions; the secretions change, the +appetite is impaired, and the digestion becomes capricious; sharp +pains are felt; they grow worse day by day, and more frequent; then +the disorder comes to a crisis, as if a slow poison were passing the +alimentary canal; the mucous membrane thickens, the valve of the +pylorus becomes indurated and forms a scirrhus, of which the patient +dies. Well, I have reached that point, my dear friend. The induration +is proceeding and nothing checks it. Just look at my yellow skin, my +feverish eyes, my excessive thinness. I am withering away. But what is +to be done? I brought the seeds of the disease home with me from the +emigration; heaven knows what I suffered then! My marriage, which +might have repaired the wrong, far from soothing my ulcerated mind +increased the wound. What did I find? ceaseless fears for the +children, domestic jars, a fortune to remake, economies which required +great privations, which I was obliged to impose upon my wife, but +which I was the one to suffer from; and then,--I can tell this to none +but you, Felix,--I have a worse trouble yet. Though Blanche is an +angel, she does not understand me; she knows nothing of my sufferings +and she aggravates them; but I forgive her. It is a dreadful thing to +say, my friend, but a less virtuous woman might have made me more +happy by lending herself to consolations which Blanche never thinks +of, for she is as silly as a child. Moreover my servants torment me; +blockheads who take my French for Greek! When our fortune was finally +remade inch by inch, and I had some relief from care, it was too late, +the harm was done; I had reached the period when the appetite is +vitiated. Then came my severe illness, so ill-managed by Origet. In +short, I have not six months to live." + +I listened to the count in terror. On meeting the countess I had been +struck with her yellow skin and the feverish brilliancy of her eyes. I +led the count towards the house while seeming to listen to his +complaints and his medical dissertations; but my thoughts were all +with Henriette, and I wanted to observe her. We found her in the +salon, where she was listening to a lesson in mathematics which the +Abbe Dominis was giving Jacques, and at the same time showing +Madeleine a stitch of embroidery. Formerly she would have laid aside +every occupation the day of my arrival to be with me. But my love was +so deeply real that I drove back into my heart the grief I felt at +this contrast between the past and the present, and thought only of +the fatal yellow tint on that celestial face, which resembled the halo +of divine light Italian painters put around the faces of their saints. +I felt the icy wind of death pass over me. Then when the fire of her +eyes, no longer softened by the liquid light in which in former times +they moved, fell upon me, I shuddered; I noticed several changes, +caused by grief, which I had not seen in the open air. The slender +lines which, at my last visit, were so lightly marked upon her +forehead had deepened; her temples with their violet veins seemed +burning and concave; her eyes were sunk beneath the brows, their +circles browned;--alas! she was discolored like a fruit when decay is +beginning to show upon the surface, or a worm is at the core. I, whose +whole ambition had been to pour happiness into her soul, I it was who +embittered the spring from which she had hoped to refresh her life and +renew her courage. I took a seat beside her and said in a voice filled +with tears of repentance, "Are you satisfied with your own health?" + +"Yes," she answered, plunging her eyes into mine. "My health is +there," she added, motioning to Jacques and Madeleine. + +The latter, just fifteen, had come victoriously out of her struggle +with anaemia, and was now a woman. She had grown tall; the Bengal +roses were blooming in her once sallow cheeks. She had lost the +unconcern of a child who looks every one in the face, and now dropped +her eyes; her movements were slow and infrequent, like those of her +mother; her figure was slim, but the gracefulness of the bust was +already developing; already an instinct of coquetry had smoothed the +magnificent black hair which lay in bands upon her Spanish brow. She +was like those pretty statuettes of the Middle Ages, so delicate in +outline, so slender in form that the eye as it seizes their charm +fears to break them. Health, the fruit of untold efforts, had made her +cheeks as velvety as a peach and given to her throat the silken down +which, like her mother's, caught the light. She was to live! God had +written it, dear bud of the loveliest of human flowers, on the long +lashes of her eyelids, on the curve of those shoulders which gave +promise of a development as superb as her mother's! This brown young +girl, erect as a poplar, contrasted with Jacques, a fragile youth of +seventeen, whose head had grown immensely, causing anxiety by the +rapid expansion of the forehead, while his feverish, weary eyes were +in keeping with a voice that was deep and sonorous. The voice gave +forth too strong a volume of tone, the eye too many thoughts. It was +Henriette's intellect and soul and heart that were here devouring with +swift flames a body without stamina; for Jacques had the milk-white +skin and high color which characterize young English women doomed +sooner or later to the consumptive curse,--an appearance of health +that deceives the eye. Following a sign by which Henriette, after +showing me Madeleine, made me look at Jacques drawing geometrical +figures and algebraic calculations on a board before the Abbe Dominis, +I shivered at the sight of death hidden beneath the roses, and was +thankful for the self-deception of his mother. + +"When I see my children thus, happiness stills my griefs--just as +those griefs are dumb, and even disappear, when I see them failing. My +friend," she said, her eyes shining with maternal pleasure, "if other +affections fail us, the feelings rewarded here, the duties done and +crowned with success, are compensation enough for defeat elsewhere. +Jacques will be, like you, a man of the highest education, possessed +of the worthiest knowledge; he will be, like you, an honor to his +country, which he may assist in governing, helped by you, whose +standing will be so high; but I will strive to make him faithful to +his first affections. Madeleine, dear creature, has a noble heart; she +is pure as the snows on the highest Alps; she will have a woman's +devotion and a woman's graceful intellect. She is proud; she is worthy +of being a Lenoncourt. My motherhood, once so tried, so tortured, is +happy now, happy with an infinite happiness, unmixed with pain. Yes, +my life is full, my life is rich. You see, God makes my joy to blossom +in the heart of these sanctified affections, and turns to bitterness +those that might have led me astray--" + +"Good!" cried the abbe, joyfully. "Monsieur le vicomte begins to know +as much as I--" + +Just then Jacques coughed. + +"Enough for to-day, my dear abbe," said the countess, "above all, no +chemistry. Go for a ride on horseback, Jacques," she added, letting +her son kiss her with the tender and yet dignified pleasure of a +mother. "Go, dear, but take care of yourself." + +"But," I said, as her eyes followed Jacques with a lingering look, +"you have not answered me. Do you feel ill?" + +"Oh, sometimes, in my stomach. If I were in Paris I should have the +honors of gastritis, the fashionable disease." + +"My mother suffers very much and very often," said Madeleine. + +"Ah!" she said, "does my health interest you?" + +Madeleine, astonished at the irony of these words, looked from one to +the other; my eyes counted the roses on the cushion of the gray and +green sofa which was in the salon. + +"This situation is intolerable," I whispered in her ear. + +"Did I create it?" she asked. "Dear child," she said aloud, with one +of those cruel levities by which women point their vengeance, "don't +you read history? France and England are enemies, and ever have been. +Madeleine knows that; she knows that a broad sea, and a cold and +stormy one, separates them." + +The vases on the mantelshelf had given place to candelabra, no doubt +to deprive me of the pleasure of filling them with flowers; I found +them later in my own room. When my servant arrived I went out to give +him some orders; he had brought me certain things I wished to place in +my room. + +"Felix," said the countess, "do not make a mistake. My aunt's old room +is now Madeleine's. Yours is over the count's." + +Though guilty, I had a heart; those words were dagger thrusts coldly +given at its tenderest spot, for which she seemed to aim. Moral +sufferings are not fixed quantities; they depend on the sensitiveness +of souls. The countess had trod each round of the ladder of pain; but, +for that very reason, the kindest of women was now as cruel as she was +once beneficent. I looked at Henriette, but she averted her head. I +went to my new room, which was pretty, white and green. Once there I +burst into tears. Henriette heard me as she entered with a bunch of +flowers in her hand. + +"Henriette," I said, "will you never forgive a wrong that is indeed +excusable?" + +"Do not call me Henriette," she said. "She no longer exists, poor +soul; but you may feel sure of Madame de Mortsauf, a devoted friend, +who will listen to you and who will love you. Felix, we will talk of +these things later. If you have still any tenderness for me let me +grow accustomed to seeing you. Whenever words will not rend my heart, +if the day should ever come when I recover courage, I will speak to +you, but not till then. Look at the valley," she said, pointing to the +Indre, "it hurts me, I love it still." + +"Ah, perish England and all her women! I will send my resignation to +the king; I will live and die here, pardoned." + +"No, love her; love that woman! Henriette is not. This is no play, and +you should know it." + +She left the room, betraying by the tone of her last words the extent +of her wounds. I ran after her and held her back, saying, "Do you no +longer love me?" + +"You have done me more harm than all my other troubles put together. +To-day I suffer less, therefore I love you less. Be kind; do not +increase my pain; if you suffer, remember that--I--live." + +She withdrew her hand, which I held, cold, motionless, but moist, in +mine, and darted like an arrow through the corridor in which this +scene of actual tragedy took place. + +At dinner, the count subjected me to a torture I had little expected. +"So the Marchioness of Dudley is not in Paris?" he said. + +I blushed excessively, but answered, "No." + +"She is not in Tours," continued the count. + +"She is not divorced, and she can go back to England. Her husband +would be very glad if she would return to him," I said, eagerly. + +"Has she children?" asked Madame de Mortsauf, in a changed voice. + +"Two sons," I replied. + +"Where are they?" + +"In England, with their father." + +"Come, Felix," interposed the count; "be frank; is she as handsome as +they say?" + +"How can you ask him such a question?" cried the countess. "Is not the +woman you love always the handsomest of women?" + +"Yes, always," I said, firmly, with a glance which she could not +sustain. + +"You are a happy fellow," said the count; "yes, a very happy one. Ha! +in my young days, I should have gone mad over such a conquest--" + +"Hush!" said Madame de Mortsauf, reminding the count of Madeleine by a +look. + +"I am not a child," he said. + +When we left the table I followed the countess to the terrace. When we +were alone she exclaimed, "How is it possible that some women can +sacrifice their children to a man? Wealth, position, the world, I can +conceive of; eternity? yes, possibly; but children! deprive one's self +of one's children!" + +"Yes, and such women would give even more if they had it; they +sacrifice everything." + +The world was suddenly reversed before her, her ideas became confused. +The grandeur of that thought struck her; a suspicion entered her mind +that sacrifice, immolation justified happiness; the echo of her own +inward cry for love came back to her; she stood dumb in presence of +her wasted life. Yes, for a moment horrible doubts possessed her; then +she rose, grand and saintly, her head erect. + +"Love her well, Felix," she said, with tears in her eyes; "she shall +be my happy sister. I will forgive her the harm she has done me if she +gives you what you could not have here. You are right; I have never +told you that I loved you, and I never have loved you as the world +loves. But if she is a mother how can she love you so?" + +"Dear saint," I answered, "I must be less moved than I am now, before +I can explain to you how it is that you soar victoriously above her. +She is a woman of earth, the daughter of decaying races; you are the +child of heaven, an angel worthy of worship; you have my heart, she my +flesh only. She knows this and it fills her with despair; she would +change parts with you even though the cruellest martyrdom were the +price of the change. But all is irremediable. To you the soul, to you +the thoughts, the love that is pure, to you youth and old age; to her +the desires and joys of passing passion; to you remembrance forever, +to her oblivion--" + +"Tell me, tell me that again, oh, my friend!" she turned to a bench +and sat down, bursting into tears. "If that be so, Felix, virtue, +purity of life, a mother's love, are not mistakes. Oh, pour that balm +upon my wounds! Repeat the words which bear me back to heaven, where +once I longed to rise with you. Bless me by a look, by a sacred word, +--I forgive you for the sufferings you have caused me the last two +months." + +"Henriette, there are mysteries in the life of men of which you know +nothing. I met you at an age when the feelings of the heart stifle the +desires implanted in our nature; but many scenes, the memory of which +will kindle my soul to the hour of death, must have told you that this +age was drawing to a close, and it was your constant triumph still to +prolong its mute delights. A love without possession is maintained by +the exasperation of desire; but there comes a moment when all is +suffering within us--for in this we have no resemblance to you. We +possess a power we cannot abdicate, or we cease to be men. Deprived of +the nourishment it needs, the heart feeds upon itself, feeling an +exhaustion which is not death, but which precedes it. Nature cannot +long be silenced; some trifling accident awakens it to a violence that +seems like madness. No, I have not loved, but I have thirsted in the +desert." + +"The desert!" she said bitterly, pointing to the valley. "Ah!" she +exclaimed, "how he reasons! what subtle distinctions! Faithful hearts +are not so learned." + +"Henriette," I said, "do not quarrel with me for a chance expression. +No, my soul has not vacillated, but I have not been master of my +senses. That woman is not ignorant that you are the only one I ever +loved. She plays a secondary part in my life; she knows it and is +resigned. I have the right to leave her as men leave courtesans." + +"And then?" + +"She tells me that she will kill herself," I answered, thinking that +this resolve would startle Henriette. But when she heard it a +disdainful smile, more expressive than the thoughts it conveyed, +flickered on her lips. "My dear conscience," I continued, "if you +would take into account my resistance and the seductions that led to +my fall you would understand the fatal--" + +"Yes, fatal!" she cried. "I believed in you too much. I believed you +capable of the virtue a priest practises. All is over," she continued, +after a pause. "I owe you much, my friend; you have extinguished in me +the fires of earthly life. The worst of the way is over; age is coming +on. I am ailing now, soon I may be ill; I can never be the brilliant +fairy who showers you with favors. Be faithful to Lady Dudley. +Madeleine, whom I was training to be yours, ah! who will have her now? +Poor Madeleine, poor Madeleine!" she repeated, like the mournful +burden of a song. "I would you had heard her say to me when you came: +'Mother, you are not kind to Felix!' Dear creature!" + +She looked at me in the warm rays of the setting sun as they glided +through the foliage. Seized with compassion for the shipwreck of our +lives she turned back to memories of our pure past, yielding to +meditations which were mutual. We were silent, recalling past scenes; +our eyes went from the valley to the fields, from the windows of +Clochegourde to those of Frapesle, peopling the dream with my +bouquets, the fragrant language of our desires. It was her last hour +of pleasure, enjoyed with the purity of her Catholic soul. This scene, +so grand to each of us, cast its melancholy on both. She believed my +words, and saw where I placed her--in the skies. + +"My friend," she said, "I obey God, for his hand is in all this." + +I did not know until much later the deep meaning of her words. We +slowly returned up the terraces. She took my arm and leaned upon it +resignedly, bleeding still, but with a bandage on her wound. + +"Human life is thus," she said. "What had Monsieur de Mortsauf done to +deserve his fate? It proves the existence of a better world. Alas, for +those who walk in happier ways!" + +She went on, estimating life so truly, considering its diverse aspects +so profoundly that these cold judgments revealed to me the disgust +that had come upon her for all things here below. When we reached the +portico she dropped my arm and said these last words: "If God has +given us the sentiment and the desire for happiness ought he not to +take charge himself of innocent souls who have found sorrow only in +this low world? Either that must be so, or God is not, and our life is +no more than a cruel jest." + +She entered and turned the house quickly; I found her on the sofa, +crouching, as though blasted by the voice which flung Saul to the +ground. + +"What is the matter?" I asked. + +"I no longer know what is virtue," she replied; "I have no +consciousness of my own." + +We were silent, petrified, listening to the echo of those words which +fell like a stone cast into a gulf. + +"If I am mistaken in my life _she_ is right in _hers_," Henriette said +at last. + +Thus her last struggle followed her last happiness. When the count +came in she complained of illness, she who never complained. I +conjured her to tell me exactly where she suffered; but she refused to +explain and went to bed, leaving me a prey to unending remorse. +Madeleine went with her mother, and the next day I heard that the +countess had been seized with nausea, caused, she said, by the violent +excitements of that day. Thus I, who longed to give my life for hers, +I was killing her. + +"Dear count," I said to Monsieur de Mortsauf, who obliged me to play +backgammon, "I think the countess very seriously ill. There is still +time to save her; pray send for Origet, and persuade her to follow his +advice." + +"Origet, who half killed me?" cried the count. "No, no; I'll consult +Carbonneau." + +During this week, especially the first days of it, everything was +anguish to me--the beginning of paralysis of the heart--my vanity was +mortified, my soul rent. One must needs have been the centre of all +looks and aspirations, the mainspring of the life about him, the torch +from which all others drew their light, to understand the horror of +the void that was now about me. All things were there, the same, but +the spirit that gave life to them was extinct, like a blown-out flame. +I now understood the desperate desire of lovers never to see each +other again when love has flown. To be nothing where we were once so +much! To find the chilling silence of the grave where life so lately +sparkled! Such comparisons are overwhelming. I came at last to envy +the dismal ignorance of all happiness which had darkened my youth. My +despair became so great that the countess, I thought, felt pity for +it. One day after dinner as we were walking on the meadows beside the +river I made a last effort to obtain forgiveness. I told Jacques to go +on with his sister, and leaving the count to walk alone, I took +Henriette to the punt. + +"Henriette," I said; "one word of forgiveness, or I fling myself into +the Indre! I have sinned,--yes, it is true; but am I not like a dog in +his faithful attachments? I return like him, like him ashamed. If he +does wrong he is struck, but he loves the hand that strikes him; +strike me, bruise me, but give me back your heart." + +"Poor child," she said, "are you not always my son?" + +She took my arm and silently rejoined her children, with whom she +returned to Clochegourde, leaving me to the count, who began to talk +politics apropos of his neighbors. + +"Let us go in," I said; "you are bare-headed, and the dew may do you +an injury." + +"You pity me, my dear Felix," he answered; "you understand me, but my +wife never tries to comfort me,--on principle, perhaps." + +Never would she have left me to walk home with her husband; it was now +I who had to find excuses to join her. I found her with her children, +explaining the rules of backgammon to Jacques. + +"See there," said the count, who was always jealous of the affection +she showed for her children; "it is for them that I am neglected. +Husbands, my dear Felix, are always suppressed. The most virtuous +woman in the world has ways of satisfying her desire to rob conjugal +affection." + +She said nothing and continued as before. + +"Jacques," he said, "come here." + +Jacques objected slightly. + +"Your father wants you; go at once, my son," said his mother, pushing +him. + +"They love me by order," said the old man, who sometimes perceived his +situation. + +"Monsieur," she answered, passing her hand over Madeleine's smooth +tresses, which were dressed that day "a la belle Ferronniere"; "do not +be unjust to us poor women; life is not so easy for us to bear. +Perhaps the children are the virtues of a mother." + +"My dear," said the count, who took it into his head to be logical, +"what you say signifies that women who have no children would have no +virtue, and would leave their husbands in the lurch." + +The countess rose hastily and took Madeleine to the portico. + +"That's marriage, my dear fellow," remarked the count to me. "Do you +mean to imply by going off in that manner that I am talking nonsense?" +he cried to his wife, taking his son by the hand and going to the +portico after her with a furious look in his eyes. + +"On the contrary, Monsieur, you frightened me. Your words hurt me +cruelly," she added, in a hollow voice. "If virtue does not consist in +sacrificing everything to our children and our husband, what is +virtue?" + +"Sac-ri-ficing!" cried the count, making each syllable the blow of a +sledge-hammer on the heart of his victim. "What have you sacrificed to +your children? What do you sacrifice to me? Speak! what means all +this? Answer. What is going on here? What did you mean by what you +said?" + +"Monsieur," she replied, "would you be satisfied to be loved for love +of God, or to know your wife virtuous for virtue's sake?" + +"Madame is right," I said, interposing in a shaken voice which +vibrated in two hearts; "yes, the noblest privilege conferred by +reason is to attribute our virtues to the beings whose happiness is +our work, and whom we render happy, not from policy, nor from duty, +but from an inexhaustible and voluntary affection--" + +A tear shone in Henriette's eyes. + +"And, dear count," I continued, "if by chance a woman is involuntarily +subjected to feelings other than those society imposes on her, you +must admit that the more irresistible that feeling is, the more +virtuous she is in smothering it, in sacrificing herself to her +husband and children. This theory is not applicable to me who +unfortunately show an example to the contrary, nor to you whom it will +never concern." + +"You have a noble soul, Felix," said the count, slipping his arm, not +ungracefully, round his wife's waist and drawing her towards him to +say: "Forgive a poor sick man, dear, who wants to be loved more than +he deserves." + +"There are some hearts that are all generosity," she said, resting her +head upon his shoulder. The scene made her tremble to such a degree +that her comb fell, her hair rolled down, and she turned pale. The +count, holding her up, gave a sort of groan as he felt her fainting; +he caught her in his arms as he might a child, and carried her to the +sofa in the salon, where we all surrounded her. Henriette held my hand +in hers as if to tell me that we two alone knew the secret of that +scene, so simple in itself, so heart-rending to her. + +"I do wrong," she said to me in a low voice, when the count left the +room to fetch a glass of orange-flower water. "I have many wrongs to +repent of towards you; I wished to fill you with despair when I ought +to have received you mercifully. Dear, you are kindness itself, and I +alone can appreciate it. Yes, I know there is a kindness prompted by +passion. Men have various ways of being kind; some from contempt, +others from impulse, from calculation, through indolence of nature; +but you, my friend, you have been absolutely kind." + +"If that be so," I replied, "remember that all that is good or great +in me comes through you. You know well that I am of your making." + +"That word is enough for any woman's happiness," she said, as the +count re-entered the room. "I feel better," she said, rising; "I want +air." + +We went down to the terrace, fragrant with the acacias which were +still in bloom. She had taken my right arm, and pressed it against her +heart, thus expressing her sad thoughts; but they were, she said, of a +sadness dear to her. No doubt she would gladly have been alone with +me; but her imagination, inexpert in women's wiles, did not suggest to +her any way of sending her children and the count back to the house. +We therefore talked on indifferent subjects, while she pondered a +means of pouring a few last thoughts from her heart to mine. + +"It is a long time since I have driven out," she said, looking at the +beauty of the evening. "Monsieur, will you please order the carriage +that I may take a turn?" + +She knew that after evening prayer she could not speak with me, for +the count was sure to want his backgammon. She might have returned to +the warm and fragrant terrace after her husband had gone to bed, but +she feared, perhaps, to trust herself beneath those shadows, or to +walk by the balustrade where our eyes could see the course of the +Indre through the dear valley. As the silent and sombre vaults of a +cathedral lift the soul to prayer, so leafy ways, lighted by the moon, +perfumed with penetrating odors, alive with the murmuring noises of +the spring-tide, stir the fibres and weaken the resolves of those who +love. The country calms the old, but excites the young. We knew it +well. Two strokes of the bell announced the hour of prayer. The +countess shivered. + +"Dear Henriette, are you ill?" + +"There is no Henriette," she said. "Do not bring her back. She was +capricious and exacting; now you have a friend whose courage has been +strengthened by the words which heaven itself dictated to you. We will +talk of this later. We must be punctual at prayers, for it is my day +to lead them." + +As Madame de Mortsauf said the words in which she begged the help of +God through all the adversities of life, a tone came into her voice +which struck all present. Did she use her gift of second sight to +foresee the terrible emotion she was about to endure through my +forgetfulness of an engagement made with Arabella? + +"We have time to make three kings before the horses are harnessed," +said the count, dragging me back to the salon. "You can go and drive +with my wife, and I'll go to bed." + +The game was stormy, like all others. The countess heard the count's +voice either from her room or from Madeleine's. + +"You show a strange hospitality," she said, re-entering the salon. + +I looked at her with amazement; I could not get accustomed to the +change in her; formerly she would have been most careful not to +protect me against the count; then it gladdened her that I should +share her sufferings and bear them with patience for love of her. + +"I would give my life," I whispered in her ear, "if I could hear you +say again, as you once said, 'Poor dear, poor dear!'" + +She lowered her eyes, remembering the moment to which I alluded, yet +her glance turned to me beneath her eyelids, expressing the joy of a +woman who finds the mere passing tones from her heart preferred to the +delights of another love. The count was losing the game; he said he +was tired, as an excuse to give it up, and we went to walk on the lawn +while waiting for the carriage. When the count left us, such pleasure +shone on my face that Madame de Mortsauf questioned me by a look of +surprise and curiosity. + +"Henriette does exist," I said. "You love me still. You wound me with +an evident intention to break my heart. I may yet be happy!" + +"There was but a fragment of that poor woman left, and you have now +destroyed even that," she said. "God be praised; he gives me strength +to bear my righteous martyrdom. Yes, I still love you, and I might +have erred; the English woman shows me the abyss." + +We got into the carriage and the coachman asked for orders. + +"Take the road to Chinon by the avenue, and come back by the +Charlemagne moor and the road to Sache." + +"What day is it?" I asked, with too much eagerness. + +"Saturday." + +"Then don't go that way, madame, the road will be crowded with +poultry-men and their carts returning from Tours." + +"Do as I told you," she said to the coachman. We knew the tones of our +voices too well to be able to hide from each other our least emotion. +Henriette understood all. + +"You did not think of the poultry-men when you appointed this +evening," she said with a tinge of irony. "Lady Dudley is at Tours, +and she is coming here to meet you; do not deny it. 'What day is +it?--the poultry-men--their carts!' Did you ever take notice of such +things in our old drives?" + +"It only shows that at Clochegourde I forget everything," I answered, +simply. + +"She is coming to meet you?" + +"Yes." + +"At what hour?" + +"Half-past eleven." + +"Where?" + +"On the moor." + +"Do not deceive me; is it not at the walnut-tree?" + +"On the moor." + +"We will go there," she said, "and I shall see her." + +When I heard these words I regarded my future life as settled. I at +once resolved to marry Lady Dudley and put an end to the miserable +struggle which threatened to exhaust my sensibilities and destroy by +these repeated shocks the delicate delights which had hitherto +resembled the flower of fruits. My sullen silence wounded the +countess, the grandeur of whose mind I misjudged. + +"Do not be angry with me," she said, in her golden voice. "This, dear, +is my punishment. You can never be loved as you are here," she +continued, laying my hand upon her heart. "I now confess it; but Lady +Dudley has saved me. To her the stains,--I do not envy them,--to me +the glorious love of angels! I have traversed vast tracts of thought +since you returned here. I have judged life. Lift up the soul and you +rend it; the higher we go the less sympathy we meet; instead of +suffering in the valley, we suffer in the skies, as the soaring eagle +bears in his heart the arrow of some common herdsman. I comprehend at +last that earth and heaven are incompatible. Yes, to those who would +live in the celestial sphere God must be all in all. We must love our +friends as we love our children,--for them, not for ourselves. Self is +the cause of misery and grief. My soul is capable of soaring higher +than the eagle; there is a love which cannot fail me. But to live for +this earthly life is too debasing,--here the selfishness of the senses +reigns supreme over the spirituality of the angel that is within us. +The pleasures of passion are stormy, followed by enervating anxieties +which impair the vigor of the soul. I came to the shores of the sea +where such tempests rage; I have seen them too near; they have wrapped +me in their clouds; the billows did not break at my feet, they caught +me in a rough embrace which chilled my heart. No! I must escape to +higher regions; I should perish on the shores of this vast sea. I see +in you, as in all others who have grieved me, the guardian of my +virtue. My life has been mingled with anguish, fortunately +proportioned to my strength; it has thus been kept free from evil +passions, from seductive peace, and ever near to God. Our attachment +was the mistaken attempt, the innocent effort of two children striving +to satisfy their own hearts, God, and men--folly, Felix! Ah," she said +quickly, "what does that woman call you?" + +"'Amedee,'" I answered, "'Felix' is a being apart, who belongs to none +but you." + +"'Henriette' is slow to die," she said, with a gentle smile, "but +die she will at the first effort of the humble Christian, the +self-respecting mother; she whose virtue tottered yesterday and is +firm to-day. What may I say to you? This. My life has been, and is, +consistent with itself in all its circumstances, great and small. The +heart to which the rootlets of my first affection should have clung, +my mother's heart, was closed to me, in spite of my persistence in +seeking a cleft through which they might have slipped. I was a girl; I +came after the death of three boys; and I vainly strove to take their +place in the hearts of my parents; the wound I gave to the family +pride was never healed. When my gloomy childhood was over and I knew +my aunt, death took her from me all too soon. Monsieur de Mortsauf, to +whom I vowed myself, has repeatedly, nay without respite, smitten me, +not being himself aware of it, poor man! His love has the +simple-minded egotism our children show to us. He has no conception of +the harm he does me, and he is heartily forgiven for it. My children, +those dear children who are bound to my flesh through their +sufferings, to my soul by their characters, to my nature by their +innocent happiness,--those children were surely given to show me how +much strength and patience a mother's breast contains. Yes, my +children are my virtues. You know how my heart has been harrowed for +them, by them, in spite of them. To be a mother was, for me, to buy +the right to suffer. When Hagar cried in the desert an angel came and +opened a spring of living water for that poor slave; but I, when the +limpid stream to which (do you remember?) you tried to guide me flowed +past Clochegourde, its waters changed to bitterness for me. Yes, the +sufferings you have inflicted on my soul are terrible. God, no doubt, +will pardon those who know affection only through its pains. But if +the keenest of these pains has come to me through you, perhaps I +deserved them. God is not unjust. Ah, yes, Felix, a kiss furtively +taken may be a crime. Perhaps it is just that a woman should harshly +expiate the few steps taken apart from husband and children that she +might walk alone with thoughts and memories that were not of them, and +so walking, marry her soul to another. Perhaps it is the worst of +crimes when the inward being lowers itself to the region of human +kisses. When a woman bends to receive her husband's kiss with a mask +upon her face, that is a crime! It is a crime to think of a future +springing from a death, a crime to imagine a motherhood without +terrors, handsome children playing in the evening with a beloved +father before the eyes of a happy mother. Yes, I sinned, sinned +greatly. I have loved the penances inflicted by the Church,--which did +not redeem the faults, for the priest was too indulgent. God has +placed the punishment in the faults themselves, committing the +execution of his vengeance to the one for whom the faults were +committed. When I gave my hair, did I not give myself? Why did I so +often dress in white? because I seemed the more your lily; did you not +see me here, for the first time, all in white? Alas! I have loved my +children less, for all intense affection is stolen from the natural +affections. Felix, do you not see that all suffering has its meaning. +Strike me, wound me even more than Monsieur de Mortsauf and my +children's state have wounded me. That woman is the instrument of +God's anger; I will meet her without hatred; I will smile upon her; +under pain of being neither Christian, wife, nor mother, I ought to +love her. If, as you tell me, I contributed to keep your heart +unsoiled by the world, that Englishwoman ought not to hate me. A woman +should love the mother of the man she loves, and I am your mother. +What place have I sought in your heart? that left empty by Madame de +Vandenesse. Yes, yes, you have always complained of my coldness; yes, +I am indeed your mother only. Forgive me therefore the involuntary +harshness with which I met you on your return; a mother ought to +rejoice that her son is so well loved--" + +She laid her head for a moment on my breast, repeating the words, +"Forgive me! oh, forgive me!" in a voice that was neither her girlish +voice with its joyous notes, nor the woman's voice with despotic +endings; not the sighing sound of the mother's woe, but an agonizing +new voice for new sorrows. + +"You, Felix," she presently continued, growing animated; "you are the +friend who can do no wrong. Ah! you have lost nothing in my heart; do +not blame yourself, do not feel the least remorse. It was the height +of selfishness in me to ask you to sacrifice the joys of life to an +impossible future; impossible, because to realize it a woman must +abandon her children, abdicate her position, and renounce eternity. +Many a time I have thought you higher than I; you were great and +noble, I, petty and criminal. Well, well, it is settled now; I can be +to you no more than a light from above, sparkling and cold, but +unchanging. Only, Felix, let me not love the brother I have chosen +without return. Love me, cherish me! The love of a sister has no +dangerous to-morrow, no hours of difficulty. You will never find it +necessary to deceive the indulgent heart which will live in future +within your life, grieve for your griefs, be joyous with your joys, +which will love the women who make you happy, and resent their +treachery. I never had a brother to love in that way. Be noble enough +to lay aside all self-love and turn our attachment, hitherto so +doubtful and full of trouble, into this sweet and sacred love. In this +way I shall be enabled to still live. I will begin to-night by taking +Lady Dudley's hand." + +She did not weep as she said these words so full of bitter knowledge, +by which, casting aside the last remaining veil which hid her soul +from mine, she showed by how many ties she had linked herself to me, +how many chains I had hewn apart. Our emotions were so great that for +a time we did not notice it was raining heavily. + +"Will Madame la comtesse wait here under shelter?" asked the coachman, +pointing to the chief inn of Ballan. + +She made a sign of assent, and we stayed nearly half an hour under the +vaulted entrance, to the great surprise of the inn-people who wondered +what brought Madame de Mortsauf on that road at eleven o'clock at +night. Was she going to Tours? Had she come from there? When the storm +ceased and the rain turned to what is called in Touraine a "brouee," +which does not hinder the moon from shining through the higher mists +as the wind with its upper currents whirls them away, the coachman +drove from our shelter, and, to my great delight, turned to go back +the way we came. + +"Follow my orders," said the countess, gently. + +We now took the road across the Charlemagne moor, where the rain began +again. Half-way across I heard the barking of Arabella's dog; a horse +came suddenly from beneath a clump of oaks, jumped the ditch which +owners of property dig around their cleared lands when they consider +them suitable for cultivation, and carried Lady Dudley to the moor to +meet the carriage. + +"What pleasure to meet a love thus if it can be done without sin," +said Henriette. + +The barking of the dog had told Lady Dudley that I was in the +carriage. She thought, no doubt, that I had brought it to meet her on +account of the rain. When we reached the spot where she was waiting, +she urged her horse to the side of the road with the equestrian +dexterity for which she was famous, and which to Henriette seemed +marvellous. + +"Amedee," she said, and the name in her English pronunciation had a +fairy-like charm. + +"He is here, madame," said the countess, looking at the fantastic +creature plainly visible in the moonlight, whose impatient face was +oddly swathed in locks of hair now out of curl. + +You know with what swiftness two women examine each other. The +Englishwoman recognized her rival, and was gloriously English; she +gave us a look full of insular contempt, and disappeared in the +underbrush with the rapidity of an arrow. + +"Drive on quickly to Clochegourde," cried the countess, to whom that +cutting look was like the blow of an axe upon her heart. + +The coachman turned to get upon the road to Chinon which was better +than that to Sache. As the carriage again approached the moor we heard +the furious galloping of Arabella's horse and the steps of her dog. +All three were skirting the wood behind the bushes. + +"She is going; you will lose her forever," said Henriette. + +"Let her go," I answered, "and without a regret." + +"Oh, poor woman!" cried the countess, with a sort of compassionate +horror. "Where will she go?" + +"Back to La Grenadiere,--a little house near Saint-Cyr," I said, +"where she is staying." + +Just as we were entering the avenue of Clochegourde Arabella's dog +barked joyfully and bounded up to the carriage. + +"She is here before us!" cried the countess; then after a pause she +added, "I have never seen a more beautiful woman. What a hand and what +a figure! Her complexion outdoes the lily, her eyes are literally +bright as diamonds. But she rides too well; she loves to display her +strength; I think her violent and too active,--also too bold for our +conventions. The woman who recognizes no law is apt to listen only to +her caprices. Those who seek to shine, to make a stir, have not the +gift of constancy. Love needs tranquillity; I picture it to myself +like a vast lake in which the lead can find no bottom; where tempests +may be violent, but are rare and controlled within certain limits; +where two beings live on a flowery isle far from the world whose +luxury and display offend them. Still, love must take the imprint of +the character. Perhaps I am wrong. If nature's elements are compelled +to take certain forms determined by climate, why is it not the same +with the feelings of individuals? No doubt sentiments, feelings, which +hold to the general law in the mass, differ in expression only. Each +soul has its own method. Lady Dudley is the strong woman who can +traverse distances and act with the vigor of a man; she would rescue +her lover and kill jailers and guards; while other women can only love +with their whole souls; in moments of danger they kneel down to pray, +and die. Which of the two women suits you best? That is the question. +Yes, yes, Lady Dudley must surely love; she has made many sacrifices. +Perhaps she will love you when you have ceased to love her!" + +"Dear angel," I said, "let me ask the question you asked me; how is it +that you know these things?" + +"Every sorrow teaches a lesson, and I have suffered on so many points +that my knowledge is vast." + +My servant had heard the order given, and thinking we should return by +the terraces he held my horse ready for me in the avenue. Arabella's +dog had scented the horse, and his mistress, drawn by very natural +curiosity, had followed the animal through the woods to the avenue. + +"Go and make your peace," said Henriette, smiling without a tinge of +sadness. "Say to Lady Dudley how much she mistakes my intention; I +wished to show her the true value of the treasure which has fallen to +her; my heart holds none but kind feelings, above all neither anger +nor contempt. Explain to her that I am her sister, and not her rival." + +"I shall not go," I said. + +"Have you never discovered," she said with lofty pride, "that certain +propitiations are insulting? Go!" + +I rode towards Lady Dudley wishing to know the state of her mind. "If +she would only be angry and leave me," I thought, "I could return to +Clochegourde." + +The dog led me to an oak, from which, as I came up, Arabella galloped +crying out to me, "Come! away! away!" All that I could do was to +follow her to Saint Cyr, which we reached about midnight. + +"That lady is in perfect health," said Arabella as she dismounted. + +Those who know her can alone imagine the satire contained in that +remark, dryly said in a tone which meant, "I should have died!" + +"I forbid you to utter any of your sarcasms about Madame de Mortsauf," +I said. + +"Do I displease your Grace in remarking upon the perfect health of one +so dear to your precious heart? Frenchwomen hate, so I am told, even +their lover's dog. In England we love all that our masters love; we +hate all they hate, because we are flesh of their flesh. Permit me +therefore to love this lady as much as you yourself love her. Only, my +dear child," she added, clasping me in her arms which were damp with +rain, "if you betray me, I shall not be found either lying down or +standing up, not in a carriage with liveried lackeys, nor on horseback +on the moors of Charlemagne, nor on any other moor beneath the skies, +nor in my own bed, nor beneath a roof of my forefathers; I shall not +be anywhere, for I will live no longer. I was born in Lancashire, a +country where women die for love. Know you, and give you up? I will +yield you to none, not even to Death, for I should die with you." + +She led me to her rooms, where comfort had already spread its charms. + +"Love her, dear," I said warmly. "She loves you sincerely, not in +jest." + +"Sincerely! you poor child!" she said, unfastening her habit. + +With a lover's vanity I tried to exhibit Henriette's noble character +to this imperious creature. While her waiting-woman, who did not +understand a word of French, arranged her hair I endeavored to picture +Madame de Mortsauf by sketching her life; I repeated many of the great +thoughts she had uttered at a crisis when nearly all women become +either petty or bad. Though Arabella appeared to be paying no +attention she did not lose a single word. + +"I am delighted," she said when we were alone, "to learn your taste +for pious conversation. There's an old vicar on one of my estates +who understands writing sermons better than any one I know; the +country-people like him, for he suits his prosing to his hearers. I'll +write to my father to-morrow and ask him to send the good man here by +steamboat; you can meet him in Paris, and when once you have heard him +you will never wish to listen to any one else,--all the more because +his health is perfect. His moralities won't give you shocks that make +you weep; they flow along without tempests, like a limpid stream, and +will send you to sleep. Every evening you can if you like satisfy your +passion for sermons by digesting one with your dinner. English +morality, I do assure you, is as superior to that of Touraine as our +cutlery, our plate, and our horses are to your knives and your turf. +Do me the kindness to listen to my vicar; promise me. I am only a +woman, my dearest; I can love, I can die for you if you will; but I +have never studied at Eton, or at Oxford, or in Edinburgh. I am +neither a doctor of laws nor a reverend; I can't preach morality; in +fact, I am altogether unfit for it, I should be awkward if I tried. I +don't blame your tastes; you might have others more depraved, and I +should still endeavor to conform to them, for I want you to find near +me all you like best,--pleasures of love, pleasures of food, pleasures +of piety, good claret, and virtuous Christians. Shall I wear +hair-cloth to-night? She is very lucky, that woman, to suit you in +morality. From what college did she graduate? Poor I, who can only +give you myself, who can only be your slave--" + +"Then why did you rush away when I wanted to bring you together?" + +"Are you crazy, Amedee? I could go from Paris to Rome disguised as a +valet; I would do the most unreasonable thing for your sake; but how +can you expect me to speak to a woman on the public roads who has +never been presented to me,--and who, besides, would have preached me +a sermon under three heads? I speak to peasants, and if I am hungry I +would ask a workman to share his bread with me and pay him in guineas, +--that is all proper enough; but to stop a carriage on the highway, +like the gentlemen of the road in England, is not at all within my +code of manners. You poor child, you know only how to love; you don't +know how to live. Besides, I am not like you as yet, dear angel; I +don't like morality. Still, I am capable of great efforts to please +you. Yes, I will go to work; I will learn how to preach; you shall +have no more kisses without verses of the Bible interlarded." + +She used her power and abused it as soon as she saw in my eyes the +ardent expression which was always there when she began her sorceries. +She triumphed over everything, and I complacently told myself that the +woman who loses all, sacrifices the future, and makes love her only +virtue, is far above Catholic polemics. + +"So she loves herself better than she loves you?" Arabella went on. +"She sets something that is not you above you. Is that love? how can +we women find anything to value in ourselves except that which you +value in us? No woman, no matter how fine a moralist she may be, is +the equal of a man. Tread upon us, kill us; never embarrass your lives +on our account. It is for us to die, for you to live, great and +honored. For us the dagger in your hand; for you our pardoning love. +Does the sun think of the gnats in his beams, that live by his light? +they stay as long as they can and when he withdraws his face they +die--" + +"Or fly somewhere else," I said interrupting her. + +"Yes, somewhere else," she replied, with an indifference that would +have piqued any man into using the power with which she invested him. +"Do you really think it is worthy of womanhood to make a man eat his +bread buttered with virtue, and to persuade him that religion is +incompatible with love? Am I a reprobate? A woman either gives herself +or she refuses. But to refuse and moralize is a double wrong, and is +contrary to the rule of the right in all lands. Here, you will get +only excellent sandwiches prepared by the hand of your servant +Arabella, whose sole morality is to imagine caresses no man has yet +felt and which the angels inspire." + +I know nothing more destructive than the wit of an Englishwoman; she +gives it the eloquent gravity, the tone of pompous conviction with +which the British hide the absurdities of their life of prejudice. +French wit and humor, on the other hand, is like a lace with which our +women adorn the joys they give and the quarrels they invent; it is a +mental jewelry, as charming as their pretty dresses. English wit is an +acid which corrodes all those on whom it falls until it bares their +bones, which it scrapes and polishes. The tongue of a clever +Englishwoman is like that of a tiger tearing the flesh from the bone +when he is only in play. All-powerful weapon of a sneering devil, +English satire leaves a deadly poison in the wound it makes. Arabella +chose to show her power like the sultan who, to prove his dexterity, +cut off the heads of unoffending beings with his own scimitar. + +"My angel," she said, "I can talk morality too if I choose. I have +asked myself whether I commit a crime in loving you; whether I violate +the divine laws; and I find that my love for you is both natural and +pious. Why did God create some beings handsomer than others if not to +show us that we ought to adore them? The crime would be in not loving +you. This lady insults you by confounding you with other men; the laws +of morality are not applicable to you; for God has created you above +them. Am I not drawing nearer to divine love in loving you? will God +punish a poor woman for seeking the divine? Your great and luminous +heart so resembles the heavens that I am like the gnats which flutter +about the torches of a fete and burn themselves; are they to be +punished for their error? besides, is it an error? may it not be pure +worship of the light? They perish of too much piety,--if you call it +perishing to fling one's self on the breast of him we love. I have the +weakness to love you, whereas that woman has the strength to remain in +her Catholic shrine. Now, don't frown. You think I wish her ill. No, I +do not. I adore the morality which has led her to leave you free, and +enables me to win you and hold you forever--for you are mine forever, +are you not?" + +"Yes." + +"Forever and ever?" + +"Yes." + +"Ah! I have found favor in my lord! I alone have understood his worth! +She knows how to cultivate her estate, you say. Well, I leave that to +farmers; I cultivate your heart." + +I try to recall this intoxicating babble, that I may picture to you +the woman as she is, confirm all I have said of her, and let you into +the secret of what happened later. But how shall I describe the +accompaniment of the words? She sought to annihilate by the passion of +her impetuous love the impressions left in my heart by the chaste and +dignified love of my Henriette. Lady Dudley had seen the countess as +plainly as the countess had seen her; each had judged the other. The +force of Arabella's attack revealed to me the extent of her fear, and +her secret admiration for her rival. In the morning I found her with +tearful eyes, complaining that she had not slept. + +"What troubles you?" I said. + +"I fear that my excessive love will ruin me," she answered; "I have +given all. Wiser than I, that woman possesses something that you still +desire. If you prefer her, forget me; I will not trouble you with my +sorrows, my remorse, my sufferings; no, I will go far away and die, +like a plant deprived of the life-giving sun." + +She was able to wring protestations of love from my reluctant lips, +which filled her with joy. + +"Ah!" she exclaimed, drying her eyes, "I am happy. Go back to her; I +do not choose to owe you to the force of my love, but to the action of +your own will. If you return here I shall know that you love me as +much as I love you, the possibility of which I have always doubted." + +She persuaded me to return to Clochegourde. The false position in +which I thus placed myself did not strike me while still under the +influence of her wiles. Yet, had I refused to return I should have +given Lady Dudley a triumph over Henriette. Arabella would then have +taken me to Paris. To go now to Clochegourde was an open insult to +Madame de Mortsauf; in that case Arabella was sure of me. Did any +woman ever pardon such crimes against love? Unless she were an angel +descended from the skies, instead of a purified spirit ascending to +them, a loving woman would rather see her lover die than know him +happy with another. Thus, look at it as I would, my situation, after I +had once left Clochegourde for the Grenadiere, was as fatal to the +love of my choice as it was profitable to the transient love that held +me. Lady Dudley had calculated all this with consummate cleverness. +She owned to me later that if she had not met Madame de Mortsauf on +the moor she had intended to compromise me by haunting Clochegourde +until she did so. + +When I met the countess that morning, and found her pale and depressed +like one who has not slept all night, I was conscious of exercising +the instinctive perception given to hearts still fresh and generous to +show them the true bearing of actions little regarded by the world at +large, but judged as criminal by lofty spirits. Like a child going +down a precipice in play and gathering flowers, who sees with dread +that it can never climb that height again, feels itself alone, with +night approaching, and hears the howls of animals, so I now knew that +she and I were separated by a universe. A wail arose within our souls +like an echo of that woeful "Consummatum est" heard in the churches on +Good Friday at the hour the Saviour died,--a dreadful scene which awes +young souls whose first love is religion. All Henriette's illusions +were killed at one blow; her heart had endured its passion. She did +not look at me; she refused me the light that for six long years had +shone upon my life. She knew well that the spring of the effulgent +rays shed by our eyes was in our souls, to which they served as +pathways to reach each other, to blend them in one, meeting, parting, +playing, like two confiding women who tell each other all. Bitterly I +felt the wrong of bringing beneath this roof, where pleasure was +unknown, a face on which the wings of pleasure had shaken their +prismatic dust. If, the night before, I had allowed Lady Dudley to +depart alone, if I had then returned to Clochegourde, where, it may +be, Henriette awaited me, perhaps--perhaps Madame de Mortsauf might +not so cruelly have resolved to be my sister. But now she paid me many +ostentatious attentions,--playing her part vehemently for the very +purpose of not changing it. During breakfast she showed me a thousand +civilities, humiliating attentions, caring for me as though I were a +sick man whose fate she pitied. + +"You were out walking early," said the count; "I hope you have brought +back a good appetite, you whose stomach is not yet destroyed." + +This remark, which brought the smile of a sister to Henriette's lips, +completed my sense of the ridicule of my position. It was impossible +to be at Clochegourde by day and Saint-Cyr by night. During the day I +felt how difficult it was to become the friend of a woman we have long +loved. The transition, easy enough when years have brought it about, +is like an illness in youth. I was ashamed; I cursed the pleasure Lady +Dudley gave me; I wished that Henriette would demand my blood. I could +not tear her rival in pieces before her, for she avoided speaking of +her; indeed, had I spoken of Arabella, Henriette, noble and sublime to +the inmost recesses of her heart, would have despised my infamy. After +five years of delightful intercourse we now had nothing to say to each +other; our words had no connection with our thoughts; we were hiding +from each other our intolerable pain,--we, whose mutual sufferings had +been our first interpreter. + +Henriette assumed a cheerful look for me as for herself, but she was +sad. She spoke of herself as my sister, and yet found no ground on +which to converse; and we remained for the greater part of the time in +constrained silence. She increased my inward misery by feigning to +believe that she was the only victim. + +"I suffer more than you," I said to her at a moment when my +self-styled sister was betrayed into a feminine sarcasm. + +"How so?" she said haughtily. + +"Because I am the one to blame." + +At last her manner became so cold and indifferent that I resolved to +leave Clochegourde. That evening, on the terrace, I said farewell to +the whole family, who were there assembled. They all followed me to +the lawn where my horse was waiting. The countess came to me as I took +the bridle in my hand. + +"Let us walk down the avenue together, alone," she said. + +I gave her my arm, and we passed through the courtyard with slow and +measured steps, as though our rhythmic movement were consoling to us. +When we reached the grove of trees which forms a corner of the +boundary she stopped. + +"Farewell, my friend," she said, throwing her head upon my breast and +her arms around my neck, "Farewell, we shall never meet again. God has +given me the sad power to look into the future. Do you remember the +terror that seized me the day you first came back, so young, so +handsome! and I saw you turn your back on me as you do this day when +you are leaving Clochegourde and going to Saint-Cyr? Well, once again, +during the past night I have seen into the future. Friend, we are +speaking together for the last time. I can hardly now say a few words +to you, for it is but a part of me that speaks at all. Death has +already seized on something in me. You have taken the mother from her +children, I now ask you to take her place to them. You can; Jacques +and Madeleine love you--as if you had always made them suffer." + +"Death!" I cried, frightened as I looked at her and beheld the fire of +her shining eyes, of which I can give no idea to those who have never +known their dear ones struck down by her fatal malady, unless I +compare those eyes to balls of burnished silver. "Die!" I said. +"Henriette, I command you to live. You used to ask an oath of me, I +now ask one of you. Swear to me that you will send for Origet and obey +him in everything." + +"Would you oppose the mercy of God?" she said, interrupting me with a +cry of despair at being thus misunderstood. + +"You do not love me enough to obey me blindly, as that miserable Lady +Dudley does?" + +"Yes, yes, I will do all you ask," she cried, goaded by jealousy. + +"Then I stay," I said, kissing her on the eyelids. + +Frightened at the words, she escaped from my arms and leaned against a +tree; then she turned and walked rapidly homeward without looking +back. But I followed her; she was weeping and praying. When we reached +the lawn I took her hand and kissed it respectfully. This submission +touched her. + +"I am yours--forever, and as you will," I said; "for I love you as +your aunt loved you." + +She trembled and wrung my hand. + +"One look," I said, "one more, one last of our old looks! The woman +who gives herself wholly," I cried, my soul illumined by the glance +she gave me, "gives less of life and soul than I have now received. +Henriette, thou art my best-beloved--my only love." + +"I shall live!" she said; "but cure yourself as well." + +That look had effaced the memory of Arabella's sarcasms. Thus I was +the plaything of the two irreconcilable passions I have now described +to you; I was influenced by each alternately. I loved an angel and a +demon; two women equally beautiful,--one adorned with all the virtues +which we decry through hatred of our own imperfections, the other with +all the vices which we deify through selfishness. Returning along that +avenue, looking back again and again at Madame de Mortsauf, as she +leaned against a tree surrounded by her children who waved their +handkerchiefs, I detected in my soul an emotion of pride in finding +myself the arbiter of two such destinies; the glory, in ways so +different, of women so distinguished; proud of inspiring such great +passions that death must come to whichever I abandoned. Ah! believe +me, that passing conceit has been doubly punished! + +I know not what demon prompted me to remain with Arabella and await +the moment when the death of the count might give me Henriette; for +she would ever love me. Her harshness, her tears, her remorse, her +Christian resignation, were so many eloquent signs of a sentiment that +could no more be effaced from her heart than from mine. Walking slowly +down that pretty avenue and making these reflections, I was no longer +twenty-five, I was fifty years old. A man passes in a moment, even +more quickly than a woman, from youth to middle age. Though long ago I +drove these evil thoughts away from me, I was then possessed by them, +I must avow it. Perhaps I owed their presence in my mind to the +Tuileries, to the king's cabinet. Who could resist the polluting +spirit of Louis XVIII.? + +When I reached the end of the avenue I turned and rushed back in the +twinkling of an eye, seeing that Henriette was still there, and alone! +I went to bid her a last farewell, bathed in repentant tears, the +cause of which she never knew. Tears sincere indeed; given, although I +knew it not, to noble loves forever lost, to virgin emotions--those +flowers of our life which cannot bloom again. Later, a man gives +nothing, he receives; he loves himself in his mistress; but in youth +he loves his mistress in himself. Later, we inoculate with our tastes, +perhaps our vices, the woman who loves us; but in the dawn of life she +whom we love conveys to us her virtues, her conscience. She invites us +with a smile to the noble life; from her we learn the self-devotion +which she practises. Woe to the man who has not had his Henriette. Woe +to that other one who has never known a Lady Dudley. The latter, if he +marries, will not be able to keep his wife; the other will be +abandoned by his mistress. But joy to him who can find the two women +in one woman; happy the man, dear Natalie, whom you love. + +After my return to Paris Arabella and I became more intimate than +ever. Soon we insensibly abandoned all the conventional restrictions I +had carefully imposed, the strict observance of which often makes the +world forgive the false position in which Lady Dudley had placed +herself. Society, which delights in looking behind appearances, +sanctions much as soon as it knows the secrets they conceal. Lovers +who live in the great world make a mistake in flinging down these +barriers exacted by the law of salons; they do wrong not to obey +scrupulously all conventions which the manners and customs of a +community impose,--less for the sake of others than for their own. +Outward respect to be maintained, comedies to play, concealments to be +managed; all such strategy of love occupies the life, renews desire, +and protects the heart against the palsy of habit. But all young +passions, being, like youth itself, essentially spendthrift, raze +their forests to the ground instead of merely cutting the timber. +Arabella adopted none of these bourgeois ideas, and yielded to them +only to please me; she wished to exhibit me to the eyes of all Paris +as her "sposo." She employed her powers of seduction to keep me under +her roof, for she was not content with a rumored scandal which, for +want of proof, was only whispered behind the fans. Seeing her so happy +in committing an imprudence which frankly admitted her position, how +could I help believing in her love? + +But no sooner was I plunged into the comforts of illegal marriage than +despair seized upon me; I saw my life bound to a course in direct +defiance of the ideas and the advice given me by Henriette. +Thenceforth I lived in the sort of rage we find in consumptive +patients who, knowing their end is near, cannot endure that their +lungs should be examined. There was no corner in my heart where I +could fly to escape suffering; an avenging spirit filled me +incessantly with thoughts on which I dared not dwell. My letters to +Henriette depicted this moral malady and did her infinite harm. "At +the cost of so many treasures lost, I wished you to be at least +happy," she wrote in the only answer I received. But I was not happy. +Dear Natalie, happiness is absolute; it allows of no comparisons. My +first ardor over, I necessarily compared the two women,--a contrast I +had never yet studied. In fact, all great passions press so strongly +on the character that at first they check its asperities and cover the +track of habits which constitute our defects and our better qualities. +But later, when two lovers are accustomed to each other, the features +of their moral physiognomies reappear; they mutually judge each other, +and it often happens during this reaction of the character after +passion, that natural antipathies leading to disunion (which +superficial people seize upon to accuse the human heart of +instability) come to the surface. This period now began with me. Less +blinded by seductions, and dissecting, as it were, my pleasure, I +undertook, without perhaps intending to do so, a critical examination +of Lady Dudley which resulted to her injury. + +In the first place, I found her wanting in the qualities of mind which +distinguish Frenchwomen and make them so delightful to love; as all +those who have had the opportunity of loving in both countries +declare. When a Frenchwoman loves she is metamorphosed; her noted +coquetry is used to deck her love; she abandons her dangerous vanity +and lays no claim to any merit but that of loving well. She espouses +the interests, the hatreds, the friendships, of the man she loves; she +acquires in a day the experience of a man of business; she studies the +code, she comprehends the mechanism of credit, and could manage a +banker's office; naturally heedless and prodigal, she will make no +mistakes and waste not a single louis. She becomes, in turn, mother, +adviser, doctor, giving to all her transformations a grace of +happiness which reveals, in its every detail, her infinite love. She +combines the special qualities of the women of other countries and +gives unity to the mixture by her wit, that truly French product, +which enlivens, sanctions, justifies, and varies all, thus relieving +the monotony of a sentiment which rests on a single tense of a single +verb. The Frenchwoman loves always, without abatement and without +fatigue, in public or in solitude. In public she uses a tone which has +meaning for one only; she speaks by silence; she looks at you with +lowered eyelids. If the occasion prevents both speech and look she +will use the sand and write a word with the point of her little foot; +her love will find expression even in sleep; in short, she bends the +world to her love. The Englishwoman, on the contrary, makes her love +bend to the world. Educated to maintain the icy manners, the Britannic +and egotistic deportment which I described to you, she opens and shuts +her heart with the ease of a British mechanism. She possesses an +impenetrable mask, which she puts on or takes off phlegmatically. +Passionate as an Italian when no eye sees her, she becomes coldly +dignified before the world. A lover may well doubt his empire when he +sees the immobility of face, the aloofness of countenance, and hears +the calm voice, with which an Englishwoman leaves her boudoir. +Hypocrisy then becomes indifference; she has forgotten all. + +Certainly the woman who can lay aside her love like a garment may be +thought to be capable of changing it. What tempests arise in the heart +of a man, stirred by wounded self-love, when he sees a woman taking +and dropping and again picking up her love like a piece of embroidery. +These women are too completely mistresses of themselves ever to belong +wholly to you; they are too much under the influence of society ever +to let you reign supreme. Where a Frenchwoman comforts by a look, or +betrays her impatience with visitors by witty jests, an Englishwoman's +silence is absolute; it irritates the soul and frets the mind. These +women are so constantly, and, under all circumstances, on their +dignity, that to most of them fashion reigns omnipotent even over +their pleasures. An Englishwoman forces everything into form; though +in her case the love of form does not produce the sentiment of art. No +matter what may be said against it, Protestantism and Catholicism +explain the differences which make the love of Frenchwomen so far +superior to the calculating, reasoning love of Englishwomen. +Protestantism doubts, searches, and kills belief; it is the death of +art and love. Where worldliness is all in all, worldly people must +needs obey; but passionate hearts flee from it; to them its laws are +insupportable. + +You can now understand what a shock my self-love received when I found +that Lady Dudley could not live without the world, and that the +English system of two lives was familiar to her. It was no sacrifice +she felt called upon to make; on the contrary she fell naturally into +two forms of life that were inimical to each other. When she loved she +loved madly,--no woman of any country could be compared to her; but +when the curtain fell upon that fairy scene she banished even the +memory of it. In public she never answered to a look or a smile; she +was neither mistress nor slave; she was like an ambassadress, obliged +to round her phrases and her elbows; she irritated me by her +composure, and outraged my heart with her decorum. Thus she degraded +love to a mere need, instead of raising it to an ideal through +enthusiasm. She expressed neither fear, nor regrets, nor desire; but +at a given hour her tenderness reappeared like a fire suddenly +lighted. + +In which of these two women ought I to believe? I felt, as it were by +a thousand pin-pricks, the infinite differences between Henriette and +Arabella. When Madame de Mortsauf left me for a while she seemed to +leave to the air the duty of reminding me of her; the folds of her +gown as she went away spoke to the eye, as their undulating sound to +the ear when she returned; infinite tenderness was in the way she +lowered her eyelids and looked on the ground; her voice, that musical +voice, was a continual caress; her words expressed a constant thought; +she was always like unto herself; she did not halve her soul to suit +two atmospheres, one ardent, the other icy. In short, Madame de +Mortsauf reserved her mind and the flower of her thought to express +her feelings; she was coquettish in ideas with her children and with +me. But Arabella's mind was never used to make life pleasant; it was +never used at all for my benefit; it existed only for the world and by +the world, and it was spent in sarcasm. She loved to rend, to bite, as +it were,--not for amusement but to satisfy a craving. Madame de +Mortsauf would have hidden her happiness from every eye, Lady Dudley +chose to exhibit hers to all Paris; and yet with her impenetrable +English mask she kept within conventions even while parading in the +Bois with me. This mixture of ostentation and dignity, love and +coldness, wounded me constantly; for my soul was both virgin and +passionate, and as I could not pass from one temperature to the other, +my temper suffered. When I complained (never without precaution), she +turned her tongue with its triple sting against me; mingling boasts of +her love with those cutting English sarcasms. As soon as she found +herself in opposition to me, she made it an amusement to hurt my +feelings and humiliate my mind; she kneaded me like dough. To any +remark of mine as to keeping a medium in all things, she replied by +caricaturing my ideas and exaggerating them. When I reproached her for +her manner to me, she asked if I wished her to kiss me at the opera +before all Paris; and she said it so seriously that I, knowing her +desire to make people talk, trembled lest she should execute her +threat. In spite of her real passion she was never meditative, +self-contained, or reverent, like Henriette; on the contrary she was +insatiable as a sandy soil. Madame de Mortsauf was always composed, +able to feel my soul in an accent or a glance. Lady Dudley was never +affected by a look, or a pressure of the hand, nor yet by a tender +word. No proof of love surprised her. She felt so strong a necessity +for excitement, noise, celebrity, that nothing attained to her ideal +in this respect; hence her violent love, her exaggerated fancy, +--everything concerned herself and not me. + +The letter you have read from Madame de Mortsauf (a light which still +shone brightly on my life), a proof of how the most virtuous of women +obeyed the genius of a Frenchwoman, revealing, as it did, her +perpetual vigilance, her sound understanding of all my prospects--that +letter must have made you see with what care Henriette had studied my +material interests, my political relations, my moral conquests, and +with what ardor she took hold of my life in all permissible +directions. On such points as these Lady Dudley affected the reticence +of a mere acquaintance. She never informed herself about my affairs, +nor of my likings or dislikings as a man. Prodigal for herself without +being generous, she separated too decidedly self-interest and love. +Whereas I knew very well, without proving it, that to save me a pang +Henriette would have sought for me that which she would never seek for +herself. In any great and overwhelming misfortune I should have gone +for counsel to Henriette, but I would have let myself be dragged to +prison sooner than say a word to Lady Dudley. + +Up to this point the contrast relates to feelings; but it was the same +in outward things. In France, luxury is the expression of the man, the +reproduction of his ideas, of his personal poetry; it portrays the +character, and gives, between lovers, a precious value to every little +attention by keeping before them the dominant thought of the being +loved. But English luxury, which at first allured me by its choiceness +and delicacy, proved to be mechanical also. The thousand and one +attentions shown me at Clochegourde Arabella would have considered the +business of servants; each one had his own duty and speciality. The +choice of the footman was the business of her butler, as if it were a +matter of horses. She never attached herself to her servants; the +death of the best of them would not have affected her, for money could +replace the one lost by another equally efficient. As to her duty +towards her neighbor, I never saw a tear in her eye for the +misfortunes of another; in fact her selfishness was so naively candid +that it absolutely created a laugh. The crimson draperies of the great +lady covered an iron nature. The delightful siren who sounded at night +every bell of her amorous folly could soon make a young man forget the +hard and unfeeling Englishwoman, and it was only step by step that I +discovered the stony rock on which my seeds were wasted, bringing no +harvest. Madame de Mortsauf had penetrated that nature at a glance in +their brief encounter. I remembered her prophetic words. She was +right; Arabella's love became intolerable to me. I have since remarked +that most women who ride well on horseback have little tenderness. +Like the Amazons, they lack a breast; their hearts are hard in some +direction, but I do not know in which. + +At the moment when I begin to feel the burden of the yoke, when +weariness took possession of soul and body too, when at last I +comprehended the sanctity that true feeling imparts to love, when +memories of Clochegourde were bringing me, in spite of distance, the +fragrance of the roses, the warmth of the terrace, and the warble of +the nightingales,--at this frightful moment, when I saw the stony bed +beneath me as the waters of the torrent receded, I received a blow +which still resounds in my heart, for at every hour its echo wakes. + +I was working in the cabinet of the king, who was to drive out at four +o'clock. The Duc de Lenoncourt was on service. When he entered the +room the king asked him news of the countess. I raised my head hastily +in too eager a manner; the king, offended by the action, gave me the +look which always preceded the harsh words he knew so well how to say. + +"Sire, my poor daughter is dying," replied the duke. + +"Will the king deign to grant me leave of absence?" I cried, with +tears in my eyes, braving the anger which I saw about to burst. + +"Go, _my lord_," he answered, smiling at the satire in his words, and +withholding his reprimand in favor of his own wit. + +More courtier than father, the duke asked no leave but got into the +carriage with the king. I started without bidding Lady Dudley +good-bye; she was fortunately out when I made my preparations, and I +left a note telling her I was sent on a mission by the king. At the +Croix de Berny I met his Majesty returning from Verrieres. He threw me +a look full of his royal irony, always insufferable in meaning, which +seemed to say: "If you mean to be anything in politics come back; don't +parley with the dead." The duke waved his hand to me sadly. The two +pompous equipages with their eight horses, the colonels and their gold +lace, the escort and the clouds of dust rolled rapidly away, to cries +of "Vive le Roi!" It seemed to me that the court had driven over the +dead body of Madame de Mortsauf with the utter insensibility which +nature shows for our catastrophes. Though the duke was an excellent +man he would no doubt play whist with Monsieur after the king had +retired. As for the duchess, she had long ago given her daughter the +first stab by writing to her of Lady Dudley. + +My hurried journey was like a dream,--the dream of a ruined gambler; I +was in despair at having received no news. Had the confessor pushed +austerity so far as to exclude me from Clochegourde? I accused +Madeleine, Jacques, the Abbe Dominis, all, even Monsieur de Mortsauf. +Beyond Tours, as I came down the road bordered with poplars which +leads to Poncher, which I so much admired that first day of my search +for mine Unknown, I met Monsieur Origet. He guessed that I was going +to Clochegourde; I guessed that he was returning. We stopped our +carriages and got out, I to ask for news, he to give it. + +"How is Madame de Mortsauf?" I said. + +"I doubt if you find her living," he replied. "She is dying a +frightful death--of inanition. When she called me in, last June, no +medical power could control the disease; she had the symptoms which +Monsieur de Mortsauf has no doubt described to you, for he thinks he +has them himself. Madame la comtesse was not in any transient +condition of ill-health, which our profession can direct and which is +often the cause of a better state, nor was she in the crisis of a +disorder the effects of which can be repaired; no, her disease had +reached a point where science is useless; it is the incurable result +of grief, just as a mortal wound is the result of a stab. Her physical +condition is produced by the inertia of an organ as necessary to life +as the action of the heart itself. Grief has done the work of a +dagger. Don't deceive yourself; Madame de Mortsauf is dying of some +hidden grief." + +"Hidden!" I exclaimed. "Her children have not been ill?" + +"No," he said, looking at me significantly, "and since she has been so +seriously attacked Monsieur de Mortsauf has ceased to torment her. I +am no longer needed; Monsieur Deslandes of Azay is all-sufficient; +nothing can be done; her sufferings are dreadful. Young, beautiful, +and rich, to die emaciated, shrunken with hunger--for she dies of +hunger! During the last forty days the stomach, being as it were +closed up, has rejected all nourishment, under whatever form we +attempt to give it." + +Monsieur Origet pressed my hand with a gesture of respect. + +"Courage, monsieur," he said, lifting his eyes to heaven. + +The words expressed his compassion for sufferings he thought shared; +he little suspected the poisoned arrow which they shot into my heart. +I sprang into the carriage and ordered the postilion to drive on, +promising a good reward if I arrived in time. + +Notwithstanding my impatience I seemed to do the distance in a few +minutes, so absorbed was I in the bitter reflections that crowded upon +my soul. Dying of grief, yet her children were well? then she died +through me! My conscience uttered one of those arraignments which echo +throughout our lives and sometimes beyond them. What weakness, what +impotence in human justice, which avenges none but open deeds! Why +shame and death to the murderer who kills with a blow, who comes upon +you unawares in your sleep and makes it last eternally, who strikes +without warning and spares you a struggle? Why a happy life, an +honored life, to the murderer who drop by drop pours gall into the +soul and saps the body to destroy it? How many murderers go +unpunished! What indulgence for fashionable vice! What condoning of +the homicides caused by moral wrongs! I know not whose avenging hand +it was that suddenly, at that moment, raised the painted curtain that +reveals society. I saw before me many victims known to you and me, +--Madame de Beauseant, dying, and starting for Normandy only a few +days earlier; the Duchesse de Langeais lost; Lady Brandon hiding herself +in Touraine in the little house where Lady Dudley had stayed two weeks, +and dying there, killed by a frightful catastrophe,--you know it. Our +period teems with such events. Who does not remember that poor young +woman who poisoned herself, overcome by jealousy, which was perhaps +killing Madame de Mortsauf? Who has not shuddered at the fate of that +enchanting young girl who perished after two years of marriage, like a +flower torn by the wind, the victim of her chaste ignorance, the +victim of a villain with whom Ronquerolles, Montriveau, and de Marsay +shake hands because he is useful to their political projects? What +heart has failed to throb at the recital of the last hours of the +woman whom no entreaties could soften, and who would never see her +husband after nobly paying his debts? Madame d'Aiglemont saw death +beside her and was saved only by my brother's care. Society and +science are accomplices in crimes for which there are no assizes. The +world declares that no one dies of grief, or of despair; nor yet of +love, of anguish hidden, of hopes cultivated yet fruitless, again and +again replanted yet forever uprooted. Our new scientific nomenclature +has plenty of words to explain these things; gastritis, pericarditis, +all the thousand maladies of women the names of which are whispered in +the ear, all serve as passports to the coffin followed by hypocritical +tears that are soon wiped by the hand of a notary. Can there be at the +bottom of this great evil some law which we do not know? Must the +centenary pitilessly strew the earth with corpses and dry them to dust +about him that he may raise himself, as the millionaire battens on a +myriad of little industries? Is there some powerful and venomous life +which feasts on these gentle, tender creatures? My God! do I belong to +the race of tigers? + +Remorse gripped my heart in its scorching fingers, and my cheeks were +furrowed with tears as I entered the avenue of Clochegourde on a damp +October morning, which loosened the dead leaves of the poplars planted +by Henriette in the path where once she stood and waved her +handkerchief as if to recall me. Was she living? Why did I feel her +two white hands upon my head laid prostrate in the dust? In that +moment I paid for all the pleasures that Arabella had given me, and I +knew that I paid dearly. I swore not to see her again, and a hatred of +England took possession of me. Though Lady Dudley was only a variety +of her species, I included all Englishwomen in my judgment. + +I received a fresh shock as I neared Clochegourde. Jacques, Madeleine, +and the Abbe Dominis were kneeling at the foot of a wooden cross +placed on a piece of ground that was taken into the enclosure when the +iron gate was put up, which the count and countess had never been +willing to remove. I sprang from the carriage and went towards them, +my heart aching at the sight of these children and that grave old man +imploring the mercy of God. The old huntsman was there too, with bared +head, standing a little apart. + +I stooped to kiss Jacques and Madeleine, who gave me a cold look and +continued praying. The abbe rose from his knees; I took him by the arm +to support myself, saying, "Is she still alive?" He bowed his head +sadly and gently. "Tell me, I implore you for Christ's sake, why are +you praying at the foot of this cross? Why are you here, and not with +her? Why are the children kneeling here this chilly morning? Tell me +all, that I may do no harm through ignorance." + +"For the last few days Madame le comtesse has been unwilling to see +her children except at stated times.--Monsieur," he continued after a +pause, "perhaps you had better wait a few hours before seeing Madame +de Mortsauf; she is greatly changed. It is necessary to prepare her +for this interview, or it might cause an increase in her sufferings +--death would be a blessed release from them." + +I wrung the hand of the good man, whose look and voice soothed the +pangs of others without sharpening them. + +"We are praying God to help her," he continued; "for she, so saintly, +so resigned, so fit to die, has shown during the last few weeks a +horror of death; for the first time in her life she looks at others +who are full of health with gloomy, envious eyes. This aberration +comes less, I think, from the fear of death than from some inward +intoxication,--from the flowers of her youth which ferment as they +wither. Yes, an evil angel is striving against heaven for that +glorious soul. She is passing through her struggle on the Mount of +Olives; her tears bathe the white roses of her crown as they fall, one +by one, from the head of this wedded Jephtha. Wait; do not see her +yet. You would bring to her the atmosphere of the court; she would see +in your face the reflection of the things of life, and you would add +to the bitterness of her regret. Have pity on a weakness which God +Himself forgave to His Son when He took our nature upon Him. What +merit would there be in conquering if we had no adversary? Permit her +confessor or me, two old men whose worn-out lives cause her no pain, +to prepare her for this unlooked-for meeting, for emotions which the +Abbe Birotteau has required her to renounce. But, in the things of +this world there is an invisible thread of divine purpose which +religion alone can see; and since you have come perhaps you are led by +some celestial star of the moral world which leads to the tomb as to +the manger--" + +He then told me, with that tempered eloquence which falls like dew +upon the heart, that for the last six months the countess had suffered +daily more and more, in spite of Monsieur Origet's care. The doctor +had come to Clochegourde every evening for two months, striving to +rescue her from death; for her one cry had been, "Oh, save me!" "To +heal the body the heart must first be healed," the doctor had +exclaimed one day. + +"As the illness increased, the words of this poor woman, once so +gentle, have grown bitter," said the Abbe. "She calls on earth to keep +her, instead of asking God to take her; then she repents these murmurs +against the divine decree. Such alternations of feeling rend her heart +and make the struggle between body and soul most horrible. Often the +body triumphs. 'You have cost me dear,' she said one day to Jacques +and Madeleine; but in a moment, recalled to God by the look on my +face, she turned to Madeleine with these angelic words, 'The happiness +of others is the joy of those who cannot themselves be happy,'--and +the tone with which she said them brought tears to my eyes. She falls, +it is true, but each time that her feet stumble she rises higher +towards heaven." + +Struck by the tone of the successive intimations chance had sent me, +and which in this great concert of misfortunes were like a prelude of +mournful modulations to a funereal theme, the mighty cry of expiring +love, I cried out: "Surely you believe that this pure lily cut from +earth will flower in heaven?" + +"You left her still a flower," he answered, "but you will find her +consumed, purified by the forces of suffering, pure as a diamond +buried in the ashes. Yes, that shining soul, angelic star, will issue +glorious from the clouds and pass into the kingdom of the Light." + +As I pressed the hand of the good evangelist, my heart overflowing +with gratitude, the count put his head, now entirely white, out of the +door and immediately sprang towards me with signs of surprise. + +"She was right! He is here! 'Felix, Felix, Felix has come!' she kept +crying. My dear friend," he continued, beside himself with terror, +"death is here. Why did it not take a poor madman like me with one +foot in the grave?" + +I walked towards the house summoning my courage, but on the threshold +of the long antechamber which crossed the house and led to the lawn, +the Abbe Birotteau stopped me. + +"Madame la comtesse begs you will not enter at present," he said to +me. + +Giving a glance within the house I saw the servants coming and going, +all busy, all dumb with grief, surprised perhaps by the orders Manette +gave them. + +"What has happened?" cried the count, alarmed by the commotion, as +much from fear of the coming event as from the natural uneasiness of +his character. + +"Only a sick woman's fancy," said the abbe. "Madame la comtesse does +not wish to receive monsieur le vicomte as she now is. She talks of +dressing; why thwart her?" + +Manette came in search of Madeleine, whom I saw leave the house a few +moments after she had entered her mother's room. We were all, Jacques +and his father, the two abbes and I, silently walking up and down the +lawn in front of the house. I looked first at Montbazon and then at +Azay, noticing the seared and yellow valley which answered in its +mourning (as it ever did on all occasions) to the feelings of my +heart. Suddenly I beheld the dear "mignonne" gathering the autumn +flowers, no doubt to make a bouquet at her mother's bidding. Thinking +of all which that signified, I was so convulsed within me that I +staggered, my sight was blurred, and the two abbes, between whom I +walked, led me to the wall of a terrace, where I sat for some time +completely broken down but not unconscious. + +"Poor Felix," said the count, "she forbade me to write to you. She +knew how much you loved her." + +Though prepared to suffer, I found I had no strength to bear a scene +which recalled my memories of past happiness. "Ah!" I thought, "I see +it still, that barren moor, dried like a skeleton, lit by a gray sky, +in the centre of which grew a single flowering bush, which again and +again I looked at with a shudder,--the forecast of this mournful +hour!" + +All was gloom in the little castle, once so animated, so full of life. +The servants were weeping; despair and desolation everywhere. The +paths were not raked, work was begun and left undone, the workmen +standing idly about the house. Though the grapes were being gathered +in the vineyard, not a sound reached us. The place seemed uninhabited, +so deep the silence! We walked about like men whose grief rejects all +ordinary topics, and we listened to the count, the only one of us who +spoke. + +After a few words prompted by the mechanical love he felt for his wife +he was led by the natural bent of his mind to complain of her. She had +never, he said, taken care of herself or listened to him when he gave +her good advice. He had been the first to notice the symptoms of her +illness, for he had studied them in his own case; he had fought them +and cured them without other assistance than careful diet and the +avoidance of all emotion. He could have cured the countess, but a +husband ought not to take so much responsibility upon himself, +especially when he has the misfortune of finding his experience, in +this as in everything, despised. In spite of all he could say, the +countess insisted on seeing Origet,--Origet, who had managed his case +so ill, was now killing his wife. If this disease was, as they said, +the result of excessive grief, surely he was the one who had been in a +condition to have it. What griefs could the countess have had? She was +always happy; she had never had troubles or annoyances. Their fortune, +thanks to his care and to his sound ideas, was now in a most +satisfactory state; he had always allowed Madame de Mortsauf to reign +at Clochegourde; her children, well trained and now in health, gave +her no anxiety,--where, then, did this grief they talked of come from? + +Thus he argued and discussed the matter, mingling his expressions of +despair with senseless accusations. Then, recalled by some sudden +memory to the admiration which he felt for his wife, tears rolled from +his eyes which had been dry so long. + +Madeleine came to tell me that her mother was ready. The Abbe +Birotteau followed me. Madeleine, now a grave young girl, stayed with +her father, saying that the countess desired to be alone with me, and +also that the presence of too many persons would fatigue her. The +solemnity of this moment gave me that sense of inward heat and outward +cold which overcomes us often in the great events of life. The Abbe +Birotteau, one of those men whom God marks for his own by investing +them with sweetness and simplicity, together with patience and +compassion, took me aside. + +"Monsieur," he said, "I wish you to know that I have done all in my +power to prevent this meeting. The salvation of this saint required +it. I have considered her only, and not you. Now that you are about to +see her to whom access ought to have been denied you by the angels, +let me say that I shall be present to protect you against yourself and +perhaps against her. Respect her weakness. I do not ask this of you as +a priest, but as a humble friend whom you did not know you had, and +who would fain save you from remorse. Our dear patient is dying of +hunger and thirst. Since morning she is a victim to the feverish +irritation which precedes that horrible death, and I cannot conceal +from you how deeply she regrets life. The cries of her rebellious +flesh are stifled in my heart--where they wake echoes of a wound still +tender. But Monsieur de Dominis and I accept this duty that we may +spare the sight of this moral anguish to her family; as it is, they no +longer recognize their star by night and by day in her; they all, +husband, children, servants, all are asking, 'Where is she?'--she is +so changed! When she sees you, her regrets will revive. Lay aside your +thoughts as a man of the world, forget its vanities, be to her the +auxiliary of heaven, not of earth. Pray God that this dear saint die +not in a moment of doubt, giving voice to her despair." + +I did not answer. My silence alarmed the poor confessor. I saw, I +heard, I walked, and yet I was no longer on the earth. The thought, +"In what state shall I find her? Why do they use these precautions?" +gave rise to apprehensions which were the more cruel because so +indefinite; all forms of suffering crowded my mind. + +We reached the door of the chamber and the abbe opened it. I then saw +Henriette, dressed in white, sitting on her little sofa which was +placed before the fireplace, on which were two vases filled with +flowers; flowers were also on a table near the window. The expression +of the abbe's face, which was that of amazement at the change in the +room, now restored to its former state, showing me that the dying +woman had sent away the repulsive preparations which surround a +sick-bed. She had spent the last waning strength of fever in decorating +her room to receive him whom in that final hour she loved above all +things else. Surrounded by clouds of lace, her shrunken face, which had +the greenish pallor of a magnolia flower as it opens, resembled the +first outline of a cherished head drawn in chalks upon the yellow +canvas of a portrait. To feel how deeply the vulture's talons now +buried themselves in my heart, imagine the eyes of that outlined face +finished and full of life,--hollow eyes which shone with a brilliancy +unusual in a dying person. The calm majesty given to her in the past +by her constant victory over sorrow was there no longer. Her forehead, +the only part of her face which still kept its beautiful proportions, +wore an expression of aggressive will and covert threats. In spite of +the waxy texture of her elongated face, inward fires were issuing from +it like the fluid mist which seems to flame above the fields of a hot +day. Her hollow temples, her sunken cheeks showed the interior +formation of the face, and the smile upon her whitened lips vaguely +resembled the grin of death. Her robe, which was folded across her +breast, showed the emaciation of her beautiful figure. The expression +of her head said plainly that she knew she was changed, and that the +thought filled her with bitterness. She was no longer the arch +Henriette, nor the sublime and saintly Madame de Mortsauf, but the +nameless something of Bossuet struggling against annihilation, driven +to the selfish battle of life against death by hunger and balked +desire. I took her hand, which was dry and burning, to kiss it, as I +seated myself beside her. She guessed my sorrowful surprise from the +very effort that I made to hide it. Her discolored lips drew up from +her famished teeth trying to form a smile,--the forced smile with +which we strive to hide either the irony of vengeance, the expectation +of pleasure, the intoxication of our souls, or the fury of +disappointment. + +"Ah, my poor Felix, this is death," she said, "and you do not like +death; odious death, of which every human creature, even the boldest +lover, feels a horror. This is the end of love; I knew it would be so. +Lady Dudley will never see you thus surprised at the change in her. +Ah! why have I so longed for you, Felix? You have come at last, and I +reward your devotion by the same horrible sight that made the Comte de +Rance a Trappist. I, who hoped to remain ever beautiful and noble in +your memory, to live there eternally a lily, I it is who destroy your +illusions! True love cannot calculate. But stay; do not go, stay. +Monsieur Origet said I was much better this morning; I shall recover. +Your looks will bring me back to life. When I regain a little +strength, when I can take some nourishment, I shall be beautiful +again. I am scarcely thirty-five, there are many years of happiness +before me,--happiness renews our youth; yes, I must know happiness! I +have made delightful plans,--we will leave Clochegourde and go to +Italy." + +Tears filled my eyes and I turned to the window as if to look at the +flowers. The abbe followed me hastily, and bending over the bouquet +whispered, "No tears!" + +"Henriette, do you no longer care for our dear valley," I said, as if +to explain my sudden movement. + +"Oh, yes!" she said, turning her forehead to my lips with a fond +motion. "But without you it is fatal to me,--without _thee_," she +added, putting her burning lips to my ear and whispering the words +like a sigh. + +I was horror-struck at the wild caress, and my will was not strong +enough to repress the nervous agitation I felt throughout this scene. +I listened without reply; or rather I replied by a fixed smile and +signs of comprehension; wishing not to thwart her, but to treat her as +a mother does a child. Struck at first with the change in her person, +I now perceived that the woman, once so dignified in her bearing, +showed in her attitude, her voice, her manners, in her looks and her +ideas, the naive ignorance of a child, its artless graces, its eager +movements, its careless indifference to everything that is not its own +desire,--in short all the weaknesses which commend a child to our +protection. Is it so with all dying persons? Do they strip off social +disguises till they are like children who have never put them on? Or +was it that the countess feeling herself on the borders of eternity, +rejected every human feeling except love? + +"You will bring me health as you used to do, Felix," she said, "and +our valley will still be my blessing. How can I help eating what you +will give me? You are such a good nurse. Besides, you are so rich in +health and vigor that life is contagious beside you. My friend, prove +to me that I need not die--die blighted. They think my worst suffering +is thirst. Oh, yes, my thirst is great, dear friend. The waters of the +Indre are terrible to see; but the thirst of my heart is greater far. +I thirsted for thee," she said in a smothered voice, taking my hands +in hers, which were burning, and drawing me close that she might +whisper in my ear. "My anguish has been in not seeing thee! Did you +not bid me live? I will live; I too will ride on horseback; I will +know life, Paris, fetes, pleasures, all!" + +Ah! Natalie, that awful cry--which time and distance render cold--rang +in the ears of the old priest and in mine; the tones of that glorious +voice pictured the battles of a lifetime, the anguish of a true love +lost. The countess rose with an impatient movement like that of a +child which seeks a plaything. When the confessor saw her thus the +poor man fell upon his knees and prayed with clasped hands. + +"Yes, to live!" she said, making me rise and support her; "to live +with realities and not with delusions. All has been delusions in my +life; I have counted them up, these lies, these impostures! How can I +die, I who have never lived? I who have never roamed a moor to meet +him!" She stopped, seemed to listen, and to smell some odor through +the walls. "Felix, the vintagers are dining, and I, I," she said, in +the voice of a child, "I, the mistress, am hungry. It is so in love, +--they are happy, they, they!--" + +"Kyrie eleison!" said the poor abbe, who with clasped hands and eyes +raised to heaven was reciting his litanies. + +She flung an arm around my neck, kissed me violently, and pressed me +to her, saying, "You shall not escape me now!" She gave the little nod +with which in former days she used, when leaving me for an instant, to +say she would return. "We will dine together," she said; "I will go +and tell Manette." She turned to go, but fainted; and I laid her, +dressed as she was, upon the bed. + +"You carried me thus before," she murmured, opening her eyes. + +She was very light, but burning; as I took her in my arms I felt the +heat of her body. Monsieur Deslandes entered and seemed surprised at +the decoration of the room; but seeing me, all was explained to him. + +"We must suffer much to die," she said in a changed voice. + +The doctor sat down and felt her pulse, then he rose quickly and said +a few words in a low voice to the priest, who left the room beckoning +me to follow him. + +"What are you going to do?" I said to the doctor. + +"Save her from intolerable agony," he replied. "Who could have +believed in so much strength? We cannot understand how she can have +lived in this state so long. This is the forty-second day since she +has either eaten or drunk." + +Monsieur Deslandes called for Manette. The Abbe Birotteau took me to +the gardens. + +"Let us leave her to the doctor," he said; "with Manette's help he +will wrap her in opium. Well, you have heard her now--if indeed it is +she herself." + +"No," I said, "it is not she." + +I was stupefied with grief. I left the grounds by the little gate of +the lower terrace and went to the punt, in which I hid to be alone +with my thoughts. I tried to detach myself from the being in which I +lived,--a torture like that with which the Tartars punish adultery by +fastening a limb of the guilty man in a piece of wood and leaving him +with a knife to cut it off if he would not die of hunger. My life was +a failure, too! Despair suggested many strange ideas to me. Sometimes +I vowed to die beside her; sometimes to bury myself at Meilleraye +among the Trappists. I looked at the windows of the room where +Henriette was dying, fancying I saw the light that was burning there +the night I betrothed my soul to hers. Ah! ought I not to have +followed the simple life she had created for me, keeping myself +faithfully to her while I worked in the world? Had she not bidden me +become a great man expressly that I might be saved from base and +shameful passions? Chastity! was it not a sublime distinction which I +had not know how to keep? Love, as Arabella understood it, suddenly +disgusted me. As I raised my humbled head asking myself where, in +future, I could look for light and hope, what interest could hold me +to life, the air was stirred by a sudden noise. I turned to the +terrace and there saw Madeleine walking alone, with slow steps. During +the time it took me to ascend the terrace, intending to ask the dear +child the reason of the cold look she had given me when kneeling at +the foot of the cross, she had seated herself on the bench. When she +saw me approach her, she rose, pretending not to have seen me, and +returned towards the house in a significantly hasty manner. She hated +me; she fled from her mother's murderer. + +When I reached the portico I saw Madeleine like a statue, motionless +and erect, evidently listening to the sound of my steps. Jacques was +sitting in the portico. His attitude expressed the same insensibility +to what was going on about him that I had noticed when I first saw +him; it suggested ideas such as we lay aside in some corner of our +mind to take up and study at our leisure. I have remarked that young +persons who carry death within them are usually unmoved at funerals. I +longed to question that gloomy spirit. Had Madeleine kept her thoughts +to herself, or had she inspired Jacques with her hatred? + +"You know, Jacques," I said, to begin the conversation, "that in me +you have a most devoted brother." + +"Your friendship is useless to me; I shall follow my mother," he said, +giving me a sullen look of pain. + +"Jacques!" I cried, "you, too, against me?" + +He coughed and walked away; when he returned he showed me his +handkerchief stained with blood. + +"Do you understand that?" he said. + +Thus they had each of them a fatal secret. I saw before long that the +brother and sister avoided each other. Henriette laid low, all was in +ruins at Clochegourde. + +"Madame is asleep," Manette came to say, quite happy in knowing that +the countess was out of pain. + +In these dreadful moments, though each person knows the inevitable +end, strong affections fasten on such minor joys. Minutes are +centuries which we long to make restorative; we wish our dear ones to +lie on roses, we pray to bear their sufferings, we cling to the hope +that their last moment may be to them unexpected. + +"Monsieur Deslandes has ordered the flowers taken away; they excited +Madame's nerves," said Manette. + +Then it was the flowers that caused her delirium; she herself was not +a part of it. + +"Come, Monsieur Felix," added Manette, "come and see Madame; she is +beautiful as an angel." + +I returned to the dying woman just as the setting sun was gilding the +lace-work on the roofs of the chateau of Azay. All was calm and pure. +A soft light lit the bed on which my Henriette was lying, wrapped in +opium. The body was, as it were, annihilated; the soul alone reigned +on that face, serene as the skies when the tempest is over. Blanche +and Henriette, two sublime faces of the same woman, reappeared; all +the more beautiful because my recollection, my thought, my +imagination, aiding nature, repaired the devastation of each dear +feature, where now the soul triumphant sent its gleams through the +calm pulsations of her breathing. The two abbes were sitting at the +foot of the bed. The count stood, as though stupefied by the banners +of death which floated above that adored being. I took her seat on the +sofa. We all four turned to each other looks in which admiration for +that celestial beauty mingled with tears of mourning. The lights of +thought announced the return of the Divine Spirit to that glorious +tabernacle. + +The Abbe Dominis and I spoke in signs, communicating to each other our +mutual ideas. Yes, the angels were watching her! yes, their flaming +swords shone above that noble brow, which the august expression of her +virtue made, as it were, a visible soul conversing with the spirits of +its sphere. The lines of her face cleared; all in her was exalted and +became majestic beneath the unseen incense of the seraphs who guarded +her. The green tints of bodily suffering gave place to pure white +tones, the cold wan pallor of approaching death. Jacques and Madeleine +entered. Madeleine made us quiver by the adoring impulse which flung +her on her knees beside the bed, crying out, with clasped hand: "My +mother! here is my mother!" Jacques smiled; he knew he would follow +her where she went. + +"She is entering the haven," said the Abbe Birotteau. + +The Abbe Dominis looked at me as if to say: "Did I not tell you the +star would rise in all its glory?" + +Madeleine knelt with her eyes fixed on her mother, breathing when she +breathed, listening to the soft breath, the last thread by which she +held to life, and which we followed in terror, fearing that every +effort of respiration might be the last. Like an angel at the gates of +the sanctuary, the young girl was eager yet calm, strong but reverent. +At that moment the Angelus rang from the village clock-tower. Waves of +tempered air brought its reverberations to remind us that this was the +sacred hour when Christianity repeats the words said by the angel to +the woman who has redeemed the faults of her sex. "Ave Maria!" +--surely, at this moment the words were a salutation from heaven. The +prophecy was so plain, the event so near that we burst into tears. The +murmuring sounds of evening, melodious breezes in the leafage, last +warbling of the birds, the hum and echo of the insects, the voices of +the waters, the plaintive cry of the tree-frog,--all country things +were bidding farewell to the loveliest lily of the valley, to her +simple, rural life. The religious poesy of the hour, now added to that +of Nature, expressed so vividly the psalm of the departing soul that +our sobs redoubled. + +Though the door of the chamber was open we were all so plunged in +contemplation of the scene, as if to imprint its memories forever on +our souls, that we did not notice the family servants who were +kneeling as a group and praying fervently. These poor people, living +on hope, had believed their mistress might be spared, and this plain +warning overcame them. At a sign from the Abbe Birotteau the old +huntsman went to fetch the curate of Sache. The doctor, standing by +the bed, calm as science, and holding the hand of the still sleeping +woman, had made the confessor a sign to say that this sleep was the +only hour without pain which remained for the recalled angel. The +moment had come to administer the last sacraments of the Church. At +nine o'clock she awoke quietly, looked at us with surprised but gentle +eyes, and we beheld our idol once more in all the beauty of former +days. + +"Mother! you are too beautiful to die--life and health are coming back +to you!" cried Madeleine. + +"Dear daughter, I shall live--in thee," she answered, smiling. + +Then followed heart-rending embraces of the mother and her children. +Monsieur de Mortsauf kissed his wife upon her brow. She colored when +she saw me. + +"Dear Felix," she said, "this is, I think, the only grief that I shall +ever have caused you. Forget all that I may have said,--I, a poor +creature much beside myself." She held out her hand; I took it and +kissed it. Then she said, with her chaste and gracious smile, "As in +the old days, Felix?" + +We all left the room and went into the salon during the last +confession. I approached Madeleine. In presence of others she could +not escape me without a breach of civility; but, like her mother, she +looked at no one, and kept silence without even once turning her eyes +in my direction. + +"Dear Madeleine," I said in a low voice, "What have you against me? +Why do you show such coldness in the presence of death, which ought to +reconcile us all?" + +"I hear in my heart what my mother is saying at this moment," she +replied, with a look which Ingres gave to his "Mother of God,"--that +virgin, already sorrowful, preparing herself to protect the world for +which her son was about to die. + +"And you condemn me at the moment when your mother absolves me,--if +indeed I am guilty." + +"You, _you_," she said, "always _your self_!" + +The tones of her voice revealed the determined hatred of a Corsican, +implacable as the judgments of those who, not having studied life, +admit of no extenuation of faults committed against the laws of the +heart. + +An hour went by in deepest silence. The Abbe Birotteau came to us +after receiving the countess's general confession, and we followed him +back to the room where Henriette, under one of those impulses which +often come to noble minds, all sisters of one intent, had made them +dress her in the long white garment which was to be her shroud. We +found her sitting up; beautiful from expiation, beautiful in hope. I +saw in the fireplace the black ashes of my letters which had just been +burned, a sacrifice which, as her confessor afterwards told me, she +had not been willing to make until the hour of her death. She smiled +upon us all with the smile of other days. Her eyes, moist with tears, +gave evidence of inward lucidity; she saw the celestial joys of the +promised land. + +"Dear Felix," she said, holding out her hand and pressing mine, "stay +with us. You must be present at the last scene of my life, not the +least painful among many such, but one in which you are concerned." + +She made a sign and the door was closed. At her request the count sat +down; the Abbe Birotteau and I remained standing. Then with Manette's +help the countess rose and knelt before the astonished count, +persisting in remaining there. A moment after, when Manette had left +the room, she raised her head which she had laid upon her husband's +knees. + +"Though I have been a faithful wife to you," she said, in a faint +voice, "I have sometimes failed in my duty. I have just prayed to God +to give me strength to ask your pardon. I have given to a friendship +outside of my family more affectionate care than I have shown to you. +Perhaps I have sometimes irritated you by the comparisons you may have +made between these cares, these thoughts, and those I gave to you. I +have had," she said, in a sinking voice, "a deep friendship, which no +one, not even he who has been its object, has fully known. Though I +have continued virtuous according to all human laws, though I have +been a irreproachable wife to you, still other thoughts, voluntary or +involuntary, have often crossed my mind and, in this hour, I fear I +have welcomed them too warmly. But as I have tenderly loved you, and +continued to be your submissive wife, and as the clouds passing +beneath the sky do not alter its purity, I now pray for your blessing +with a clean heart. I shall die without one bitter thought if I can +hear from your lips a tender word for your Blanche, for the mother of +your children,--if I know that you forgive her those things for which +she did not forgive herself till reassured by the great tribunal which +pardons all." + +"Blanche, Blanche!" cried the broken man, shedding tears upon his +wife's head, "Would you kill me?" He raised her with a strength +unusual to him, kissed her solemnly on the forehead, and thus holding +her continued: "Have I no forgiveness to ask of you? Have I never been +harsh? Are you not making too much of your girlish scruples?" + +"Perhaps," she said. "But, dear friend, indulge the weakness of a +dying woman; tranquillize my mind. When you reach this hour you will +remember that I left you with a blessing. Will you grant me permission +to leave to our friend now here that pledge of my affection?" she +continued, showing a letter that was on the mantelshelf. "He is now my +adopted son, and that is all. The heart, dear friend, makes its +bequests; my last wishes impose a sacred duty on that dear Felix. I +think I do not put too great a burden on him; grant that I do not ask +too much of you in desiring to leave him these last words. You see, I +am always a woman," she said, bending her head with mournful +sweetness; "after obtaining pardon I ask a gift--Read this," she +added, giving me the letter; "but not until after my death." + +The count saw her color change: he lifted her and carried her himself +to the bed, where we all surrounded her. + +"Felix," she said, "I may have done something wrong to you. Often I +gave you pain by letting you hope for that I could not give you; but +see, it was that very courage of wife and mother that now enables me +to die forgiven of all. You will forgive me too; you who have so often +blamed me, and whose injustice was so dear--" + +The Abbe Birotteau laid a finger on his lips. At that sign the dying +woman bowed her head, faintness overcame her; presently she waved her +hands as if summoning the clergy and her children and the servants to +her presence, and then, with an imploring gesture, she showed me the +desolate count and the children beside him. The sight of that father, +the secret of whose insanity was known to us alone, now to be left +sole guardian of those delicate beings, brought mute entreaties to her +face, which fell upon my heart like sacred fire. Before receiving +extreme unction she asked pardon of her servants if by a hasty word +she had sometimes hurt them; she asked their prayers and commended +each one, individually, to the count; she nobly confessed that during +the last two months she had uttered complaints that were not Christian +and might have shocked them; she had repulsed her children and clung +to life unworthily; but she attributed this failure of submission to +the will of God to her intolerable sufferings. Finally, she publicly +thanked the Abbe Birotteau with heartfelt warmth for having shown her +the illusion of all earthly things. + +When she ceased to speak, prayers were said again, and the curate of +Sache gave her the viaticum. A few moments later her breathing became +difficult; a film overspread her eyes, but soon they cleared again; +she gave me a last look and died to the eyes of earth, hearing perhaps +the symphony of our sobs. As her last sigh issued from her lips,--the +effort of a life that was one long anguish,--I felt a blow within me +that struck on all my faculties. The count and I remained beside the +bier all night with the two abbes and the curate, watching, in the +glimmer of the tapers, the body of the departed, now so calm, laid +upon the mattress of her bed, where once she had suffered cruelly. It +was my first communion with death. I remained the whole of that night +with my eyes fixed on Henriette, spell-bound by the pure expression +that came from the stilling of all tempests, by the whiteness of that +face where still I saw the traces of her innumerable affections, +although it made no answer to my love. What majesty in that silence, +in that coldness! How many thoughts they expressed! What beauty in +that cold repose, what power in that immobility! All the past was +there and futurity had begun. Ah! I loved her dead as much as I had +loved her living. In the morning the count went to bed; the three +wearied priests fell asleep in that heavy hour of dawn so well known +to those who watch. I could then, without witnesses, kiss that sacred +brow with all the love I had never been allowed to utter. + +The third day, in a cool autumn morning, we followed the countess to +her last home. She was carried by the old huntsman, the two +Martineaus, and Manette's husband. We went down by the road I had so +joyously ascended the day I first returned to her. We crossed the +valley of the Indre to the little cemetery of Sache--a poor village +graveyard, placed behind the church on the slope of the hill, where +with true humility she had asked to be buried beneath a simple cross +of black wood, "like a poor country-woman," she said. When I saw, from +the centre of the valley, the village church and the place of the +graveyard a convulsive shudder seized me. Alas! we have all our +Golgothas, where we leave the first thirty-three years of our lives, +with the lance-wound in our side, the crown of thorns and not of roses +on our brow--that hill-slope was to me the mount of expiation. + +We were followed by an immense crowd, seeking to express the grief of +the valley where she had silently buried so many noble actions. +Manette, her faithful woman, told me that when her savings did not +suffice to help the poor she economized upon her dress. There were +babes to be provided for, naked children to be clothed, mothers +succored in their need, sacks of flour brought to the millers in +winter for helpless old men, a cow sent to some poor home,--deeds of a +Christian woman, a mother, and the lady of the manor. Besides these +things, there were dowries paid to enable loving hearts to marry; +substitutes bought for youths to whom the draft had brought despair, +tender offerings of the loving woman who had said: "The happiness of +others is the consolation of those who cannot themselves be happy." +Such things, related at the "veillees," made the crowd immense. I +walked with Jacques and the two abbes behind the coffin. According to +custom neither the count nor Madeleine were present; they remained +alone at Clochegourde. But Manette insisted in coming with us. "Poor +madame! poor madame! she is happy now," I heard her saying to herself +amid her sobs. + +As the procession left the road to the mills I heard a simultaneous +moan and a sound of weeping as though the valley were lamenting for +its soul. The church was filled with people. After the service was +over we went to the graveyard where she wished to be buried near the +cross. When I heard the pebbles and the gravel falling upon the coffin +my courage gave way; I staggered and asked the two Martineaus to +steady me. They took me, half-dead, to the chateau of Sache, where the +owners very kindly invited me to stay, and I accepted. I will own to +you that I dreaded a return to Clochegourde, and it was equally +repugnant to me to go to Frapesle, where I could see my Henriette's +windows. Here, at Sache, I was near her. I lived for some days in a +room which looked on the tranquil, solitary valley I have mentioned to +you. It is a deep recess among the hills, bordered by oaks that are +doubly centenarian, through which a torrent rushes after rain. The +scene was in keeping with the stern and solemn meditations to which I +desired to abandon myself. + +I had perceived, during the day which followed the fatal night, how +unwelcome my presence might be at Clochegourde. The count had gone +through violent emotions at the death of his wife; but he had expected +the event; his mind was made up to it in a way that was something like +indifference. I had noticed this several times, and when the countess +gave me that letter (which I still dared not read) and when she spoke +of her affection for me, I remarked that the count, usually so quick +to take offence, made no sign of feeling any. He attributed +Henriette's wording to the extreme sensitiveness of a conscience which +he knew to be pure. This selfish insensibility was natural to him. The +souls of these two beings were no more married than their bodies; they +had never had the intimate communion which keeps feeling alive; they +had shared neither pains nor pleasures, those strong links which tear +us by a thousand edges when broken, because they touch on all our +fibers, and are fastened to the inmost recesses of our hearts. + +Another consideration forbade my return to Clochegourde,--Madeleine's +hostility. That hard young girl was not disposed to modify her hatred +beside her mother's coffin. Between the count, who would have talked +to me incessantly of himself, and the new mistress of the house, who +would have shown me invincible dislike, I should have found myself +horribly annoyed. To be treated thus where once the very flowers +welcomed me, where the steps of the portico had a voice, where my +memory clothed with poetry the balconies, the fountains, the +balustrades, the trees, the glimpses of the valleys! to be hated where +I once was loved--the thought was intolerable to me. So, from the +first, my mind was made up. + +Alas! alas! was this the end of the keenest love that ever entered the +heart of man? To the eyes of strangers my conduct might be +reprehensible, but it had the sanction of my own conscience. It is +thus that the noblest feelings, the sublimest dramas of our youth must +end. We start at dawn, as I from Tours to Clochegourde, we clutch the +world, our hearts hungry for love; then, when our treasure is in the +crucible, when we mingle with men and circumstances, all becomes +gradually debased and we find but little gold among the ashes. Such is +life! life as it is; great pretensions, small realities. I meditated +long about myself, debating what I could do after a blow like this +which had mown down every flower of my soul. I resolved to rush into +the science of politics, into the labyrinth of ambition, to cast woman +from my life and to make myself a statesman, cold and passionless, and +so remain true to the saint I loved. My thoughts wandered into far-off +regions while my eyes were fastened on the splendid tapestry of the +yellowing oaks, the stern summits, the bronzed foothills. I asked +myself if Henriette's virtue were not, after all, that of ignorance, +and if I were indeed guilty of her death. I fought against remorse. At +last, in the sweetness of an autumn midday, one of those last smiles +of heaven which are so beautiful in Touraine, I read the letter which +at her request I was not to open before her death. Judge of my +feelings as I read it. + + Madame de Mortsauf to the Vicomte Felix de Vandenesse: + + Felix, friend, loved too well, I must now lay bare my heart to + you,--not so much to prove my love as to show you the weight of + obligation you have incurred by the depth and gravity of the + wounds you have inflicted on it. At this moment, when I sink + exhausted by the toils of life, worn out by the shocks of its + battle, the woman within me is, mercifully, dead; the mother alone + survives. Dear, you are now to see how it was that you were the + original cause of all my sufferings. Later, I willingly received + your blows; to-day I am dying of the final wound your hand has + given,--but there is joy, excessive joy in feeling myself + destroyed by him I love. + + My physical sufferings will soon put an end to my mental strength; + I therefore use the last clear gleams of intelligence to implore + you to befriend my children and replace the heart of which you + have deprived them. I would solemnly impose this duty upon you if + I loved you less; but I prefer to let you choose it for yourself + as an act of sacred repentance, and also in faithful continuance + of your love--love, for us, was ever mingled with repentant + thoughts and expiatory fears! but--I know it well--we shall + forever love each other. Your wrong to me was not so fatal an act + in itself as the power which I let it have within me. Did I not + tell you I was jealous, jealous unto death? Well, I die of it. + But, be comforted, we have kept all human laws. The Church has + told me, by one of her purest voices, that God will be forgiving + to those who subdue their natural desires to His commandments. My + beloved, you are now to know all, for I would not leave you in + ignorance of any thought of mine. What I confide to God in my last + hour you, too, must know,--you, king of my heart as He is King of + Heaven. + + Until the ball given to the Duc d'Angouleme (the only ball at + which I was ever present), marriage had left me in that ignorance + which gives to the soul of a young girl the beauty of the angels. + True, I was a mother, but love had never surrounded me with its + permitted pleasures. How did this happen? I do not know; neither + do I know by what law everything within me changed in a moment. + You remember your kisses? they have mastered my life, they have + furrowed my soul; the ardor of your blood awoke the ardor of mine; + your youth entered my youth, your desires my soul. When I rose and + left you proudly I was filled with an emotion for which I know no + name in any language--for children have not yet found a word to + express the marriage of their eyes with light, nor the kiss of + life laid upon their lips. Yes, it was sound coming in the echo, + light flashing through the darkness, motion shaking the universe; + at least, it was rapid like all these things, but far more + beautiful, for it was the birth of the soul! I comprehended then + that something, I knew not what, existed for me in the world,--a + force nobler than thought; for it was all thoughts, all forces, it + was the future itself in a shared emotion. I felt I was but half a + mother. Falling thus upon my heart this thunderbolt awoke desires + which slumbered there without my knowledge; suddenly I divined all + that my aunt had meant when she kissed my forehead, murmuring, + "Poor Henriette!" + + When I returned to Clochegourde, the springtime, the first leaves, + the fragrance of the flowers, the white and fleecy clouds, the + Indre, the sky, all spoke to me in a language till then unknown. + If you have forgotten those terrible kisses, I have never been + able to efface them from my memory,--I am dying of them! Yes, each + time that I have met you since, their impress is revived. I was + shaken from head to foot when I first saw you; the mere + presentiment of your coming overcame me. Neither time nor my firm + will has enabled me to conquer that imperious sense of pleasure. I + asked myself involuntarily, "What must be such joys?" Our mutual + looks, the respectful kisses you laid upon my hand, the pressure + of my arm on yours, your voice with its tender tones,--all, even + the slightest things, shook me so violently that clouds obscured + my sight; the murmur of rebellious senses filled my ears. Ah! if + in those moments when outwardly I increased my coldness you had + taken me in your arms I should have died of happiness. Sometimes I + desired it, but prayer subdued the evil thought. Your name uttered + by my children filled my heart with warmer blood, which gave color + to my cheeks; I laid snares for my poor Madeleine to induce her to + say it, so much did I love the tumults of that sensation. Ah! what + shall I say to you? Your writing had a charm; I gazed at your + letters as we look at a portrait. + + If on that first day you obtained some fatal power over me, + conceive, dear friend, how infinite that power became when it was + given to me to read your soul. What delights filled me when I + found you so pure, so absolutely truthful, gifted with noble + qualities, capable of noblest things, and already so tried! Man + and child, timid yet brave! What joy to find we both were + consecrated by a common grief! Ever since that evening when we + confided our childhoods to each other, I have known that to lose + you would be death,--yes, I have kept you by me selfishly. The + certainty felt by Monsieur de la Berge that I should die if I lost + you touched him deeply, for he read my soul. He knew how necessary + I was to my children and the count; he did not command me to + forbid you my house, for I promised to continue pure in deed and + thought. "Thought," he said to me, "is involuntary, but it can be + watched even in the midst of anguish." "If I think," I replied, + "all will be lost; save me from myself. Let him remain beside me + and keep me pure!" The good old man, though stern, was moved by my + sincerity. "Love him as you would a son, and give him your + daughter," he said. I accepted bravely that life of suffering that + I might not lose you, and I suffered joyfully, seeing that we were + called to bear the same yoke--My God! I have been firm, faithful + to my husband; I have given you no foothold, Felix, in your + kingdom. The grandeur of my passion has reacted on my character; I + have regarded the tortures Monsieur de Mortsauf has inflicted on + me as expiations; I bore them proudly in condemnation of my faulty + desires. Formerly I was disposed to murmur at my life, but since + you entered it I have recovered some gaiety, and this has been the + better for the count. Without this strength, which I derived + through you, I should long since have succumbed to the inward life + of which I told you. + + If you have counted for much in the exercise of my duty so have my + children also. I felt I had deprived them of something, and I + feared I could never do enough to make amends to them; my life was + thus a continual struggle which I loved. Feeling that I was less a + mother, less an honest wife, remorse entered my heart; fearing to + fail in my obligations, I constantly went beyond them. Often have + I put Madeleine between you and me, giving you to each other, + raising barriers between us,--barriers that were powerless! for + what could stifle the emotions which you caused me? Absent or + present, you had the same power. I preferred Madeleine to Jacques + because Madeleine was sometime to be yours. But I did not yield + you to my daughter without a struggle. I told myself that I was + only twenty-eight when I first met you, and you were nearly + twenty-two; I shortened the distance between us; I gave myself up + to delusive hopes. Oh, Felix! I tell you these things to save you + from remorse; also, perhaps, to show you that I was not cold and + insensible, that our sufferings were cruelly mutual; that Arabella + had no superiority of love over mine. I too am the daughter of a + fallen race, such as men love well. + + There came a moment when the struggle was so terrible that I wept + the long nights through; my hair fell off,--you have it! Do you + remember the count's illness? Your nobility of soul far from + raising my soul belittled it. Alas! I dreamed of giving myself to + you some day as the reward of so much heroism; but the folly was a + brief one. I laid it at the feet of God during the mass that day + when you refused to be with me. Jacques' illness and Madeleine's + sufferings seemed to me the warnings of God calling back to Him + His lost sheep. + + Then your love--which is so natural--for that Englishwoman + revealed to me secrets of which I had no knowledge. I loved you + better than I knew. The constant emotions of this stormy life, the + efforts that I made to subdue myself with no other succor than + that religion gave me, all, all has brought about the malady of + which I die. The terrible shocks I have undergone brought on + attacks about which I kept silence. I saw in death the sole + solution of this hidden tragedy. A lifetime of anger, jealousy, + and rage lay in those two months between the time my mother told + me of your relations with Lady Dudley, and your return to + Clochegourde. I wished to go to Paris; murder was in my heart; I + desired that woman's death; I was indifferent to my children. + Prayer, which had hitherto been to me a balm, was now without + influence on my soul. Jealousy made the breach through which death + has entered. And yet I have kept a placid brow. Yes, that period + of struggle was a secret between God and myself. After your return + and when I saw that I was loved, even as I loved you, that nature + had betrayed me and not your thought, I wished to live,--it was + then too late! God had taken me under His protection, filled no + doubt with pity for a being true with herself, true with Him, + whose sufferings had often led her to the gates of the sanctuary. + + My beloved! God has judged me, Monsieur de Mortsauf will pardon + me, but you--will you be merciful? Will you listen to this voice + which now issues from my tomb? Will you repair the evils of which + we are equally guilty?--you, perhaps, less than I. You know what I + wish to ask of you. Be to Monsieur de Mortsauf what a sister of + charity is to a sick man; listen to him, love him--no one loves + him. Interpose between him and his children as I have done. Your + task will not be a long one. Jacques will soon leave home to be in + Paris near his grandfather, and you have long promised me to guide + him through the dangers of that life. As for Madeleine, she will + marry; I pray that you may please her. She is all myself, but + stronger; she has the will in which I am lacking; the energy + necessary for the companion of a man whose career destines him to + the storms of political life; she is clever and perceptive. If + your lives are united she will be happier than her mother. By + acquiring the right to continue my work at Clochegourde you will + blot out the faults I have not sufficiently expiated, though they + are pardoned in heaven and also on earth, for _he_ is generous and + will forgive me. You see I am ever selfish; is it not the proof of + a despotic love? I wish you to still love me in mine. Unable to be + yours in life, I bequeath to you my thoughts and also my duties. + If you do not wish to marry Madeleine you will at least seek the + repose of my soul by making Monsieur de Mortsauf as happy as he + ever can be. + + Farewell, dear child of my heart; this is the farewell of a mind + absolutely sane, still full of life; the farewell of a spirit on + which thou hast shed too many and too great joys to suffer thee to + feel remorse for the catastrophe they have caused. I use that word + "catastrophe" thinking of you and how you love me; as for me, I + reach the haven of my rest, sacrificed to duty and not without + regret--ah! I tremble at that thought. God knows better than I + whether I have fulfilled his holy laws in accordance with their + spirit. Often, no doubt, I have tottered, but I have not fallen; + the most potent cause of my wrong-doing lay in the grandeur of the + seductions that encompassed me. The Lord will behold me trembling + when I enter His presence as though I had succumbed. Farewell + again, a long farewell like that I gave last night to our dear + valley, where I soon shall rest and where you will often--will you + not?--return. + + +Henriette. + +I fell into an abyss of terrible reflections, as I perceived the +depths unknown of the life now lighted up by this expiring flame. The +clouds of my egotism rolled away. She had suffered as much as I--more +than I, for she was dead. She believed that others would be kind to +her friend; she was so blinded by love that she had never so much as +suspected the enmity of her daughter. That last proof of her +tenderness pained me terribly. Poor Henriette wished to give me +Clochegourde and her daughter. + +Natalie, from that dread day when first I entered a graveyard +following the remains of my noble Henriette, whom now you know, the +sun has been less warm, less luminous, the nights more gloomy, +movement less agile, thought more dull. There are some departed whom +we bury in the earth, but there are others more deeply loved for whom +our souls are winding-sheets, whose memory mingles daily with our +heart-beats; we think of them as we breathe; they are in us by the +tender law of a metempsychosis special to love. A soul is within my +soul. When some good thing is done by me, when some true word is +spoken, that soul acts and speaks. All that is good within me issues +from that grave, as the fragrance of a lily fills the air; sarcasm, +bitterness, all that you blame in me is mine. Natalie, when next my +eyes are darkened by a cloud or raised to heaven after long +contemplation of earth, when my lips make no reply to your words or +your devotion, do not ask me again, "Of what are you thinking?" + + * * * * * + +Dear Natalie, I ceased to write some days ago; these memories were too +bitter for me. Still, I owe you an account of the events which +followed this catastrophe; they need few words. When a life is made up +of action and movement it is soon told, but when it passes in the +higher regions of the soul its story becomes diffuse. Henriette's +letter put the star of hope before my eyes. In this great shipwreck I +saw an isle on which I might be rescued. To live at Clochegourde with +Madeleine, consecrating my life to hers, was a fate which satisfied +the ideas of which my heart was full. But it was necessary to know the +truth as to her real feelings. As I was bound to bid the count +farewell, I went to Clochegourde to see him, and met him on the +terrace. We walked up and down for some time. At first he spoke of the +countess like a man who knew the extent of his loss, and all the +injury it was doing to his inner self. But after the first outbreak of +his grief was over he seemed more concerned about the future than the +present. He feared his daughter, who, he told me, had not her mother's +gentleness. Madeleine's firm character, in which there was something +heroic blending with her mother's gracious nature, alarmed the old +man, used to Henriette's tenderness, and he now foresaw the power of a +will that never yielded. His only consolation for his irreparable +loss, he said, was the certainty of soon rejoining his wife; the +agitations, the griefs of these last few weeks had increased his +illness and brought back all his former pains; the struggle which he +foresaw between his authority as a father and that of his daughter, +now mistress of the house, would end his days in bitterness; for +though he should have struggled against his wife, he should, he knew, +be forced to give way before his child. Besides, his son was soon to +leave him; his daughter would marry, and what sort of son-in-law was +he likely to have? Though he thus talked of dying, his real distress +was in feeling himself alone for many years to come without sympathy. + +During this hour when he spoke only of himself, and asked for my +friendship in his wife's name, he completed a picture in my mind of +the remarkable figure of the Emigre,--one of the most imposing types +of our period. In appearance he was frail and broken, but life seemed +persistent in him because of his sober habits and his country +avocations. He is still living. + +Though Madeleine could see me on the terrace, she did not come down. +Several times she came out upon the portico and went back in again, as +if to signify her contempt. I seized a moment when she appeared to beg +the count to go to the house and call her, saying I had a last wish of +her mother to convey to her, and this would be my only opportunity of +doing so. The count brought her, and left us alone together on the +terrace. + +"Dear Madeleine," I said, "if I am to speak to you, surely it should +be here where your mother listened to me when she felt she had less +reason to complain of me than of the circumstances of life. I know +your thoughts; but are you not condemning me without a knowledge of +the facts? My life and happiness are bound up in this place; you know +that, and yet you seek to banish me by the coldness you show, in place +of the brotherly affection which has always united us, and which death +should have strengthened by the bonds of a common grief. Dear +Madeleine, you for whom I would gladly give my life without hope of +recompense, without your even knowing it,--so deeply do we love the +children of those who have succored us,--you are not aware of the +project your adorable mother cherished during the last seven years. If +you knew it your feelings would doubtless soften towards me; but I do +not wish to take advantage of you now. All that I ask is that you do +not deprive me of the right to come here, to breathe the air on this +terrace, and to wait until time has changed your ideas of social life. +At this moment I desire not to ruffle them; I respect a grief which +misleads you, for it takes even from me the power of judging soberly +the circumstances in which I find myself. The saint who now looks down +upon us will approve the reticence with which I simply ask that you +stand neutral between your present feelings and my wishes. I love you +too well, in spite of the aversion you are showing me, to say one word +to the count of a proposal he would welcome eagerly. Be free. Later, +remember that you know no one in the world as you know me, that no man +will ever have more devoted feelings--" + +Up to this moment Madeleine had listened with lowered eyes; now she +stopped me by a gesture. + +"Monsieur," she said, in a voice trembling with emotion. "I know all +your thoughts; but I shall not change my feelings towards you. I would +rather fling myself into the Indre than ally myself to you. I will not +speak to you of myself, but if my mother's name still possesses any +power over you, in her name I beg you never to return to Clochegourde +so long as I am in it. The mere sight of you causes me a repugnance I +cannot express, but which I shall never overcome." + +She bowed to me with dignity, and returned to the house without +looking back, impassible as her mother had been for one day only, but +more pitiless. The searching eye of that young girl had discovered, +though tardily, the secrets of her mother's heart, and her hatred to +the man whom she fancied fatal to her mother's life may have been +increased by a sense of her innocent complicity. + +All before me was now chaos. Madeleine hated me, without considering +whether I was the cause or the victim of these misfortunes. She might +have hated us equally, her mother and me, had we been happy. Thus it +was that the edifice of my happiness fell in ruins. I alone knew the +life of that unknown, noble woman. I alone had entered every region of +her soul; neither mother, father, husband, nor children had ever known +her.--Strange truth! I stir this heap of ashes and take pleasure in +spreading them before you; all hearts may find something in them of +their closest experience. How many families have had their Henriette! +How many noble feelings have left this earth with no historian to +fathom their hearts, to measure the depth and breadth of their +spirits. Such is human life in all its truth! Often mothers know their +children as little as their children know them. So it is with +husbands, lovers, brothers. Did I imagine that one day, beside my +father's coffin, I should contend with my brother Charles, for whose +advancement I had done so much? Good God! how many lessons in the +simplest history. + +When Madeleine disappeared into the house, I went away with a broken +heart. Bidding farewell to my host at Sache, I started for Paris, +following the right bank of the Indre, the one I had taken when I +entered the valley for the first time. Sadly I drove through the +pretty village of Pont-de-Ruan. Yet I was rich, political life courted +me; I was not the weary plodder of 1814. Then my heart was full of +eager desires, now my eyes were full of tears; once my life was all +before me to fill as I could, now I knew it to be a desert. I was +still young,--only twenty-nine,--but my heart was withered. A few +years had sufficed to despoil that landscape of its early glory, and +to disgust me with life. You can imagine my feelings when, on turning +round, I saw Madeleine on the terrace. + +A prey to imperious sadness, I gave no thought to the end of my +journey. Lady Dudley was far, indeed, from my mind, and I entered the +courtyard of her house without reflection. The folly once committed, I +was forced to carry it out. My habits were conjugal in her house, and +I went upstairs thinking of the annoyances of a rupture. If you have +fully understood the character and manners of Lady Dudley, you can +imagine my discomfiture when her majordomo ushered me, still in my +travelling dress, into a salon where I found her sumptuously dressed +and surrounded by four persons. Lord Dudley, one of the most +distinguished old statesmen of England, was standing with his back to +the fireplace, stiff, haughty, frigid, with the sarcastic air he +doubtless wore in parliament; he smiled when he heard my name. +Arabella's two children, who were amazingly like de Marsay (a natural +son of the old lord), were near their mother; de Marsay himself was on +the sofa beside her. As soon as Arabella saw me she assumed a distant +air, and glanced at my travelling cap as if to ask what brought me +there. She looked me over from head to foot, as though I were some +country gentlemen just presented to her. As for our intimacy, that +eternal passion, those vows of suicide if I ceased to love her, those +visions of Armida, all had vanished like a dream. I had never clasped +her hand; I was a stranger; she knew me not. In spite of the +diplomatic self-possession to which I was gradually being trained, I +was confounded; and all others in my place would have felt the same. +De Marsay smiled at his boots, which he examined with remarkable +interest. I decided at once upon my course. From any other woman I +should modestly have accepted my defeat; but, outraged at the glowing +appearance of the heroine who had vowed to die for love, and who had +scoffed at the woman who was really dead, I resolved to meet insolence +with insolence. She knew very well the misfortunes of Lady Brandon; to +remind her of them was to send a dagger to her heart, though the +weapon might be blunted by the blow. + +"Madame," I said, "I am sure you will pardon my unceremonious +entrance, when I tell you that I have just arrived from Touraine, and +that Lady Brandon has given me a message for you which allows of no +delay. I feared you had already started for Lancashire, but as you are +still in Paris I will await your orders at any hour you may be pleased +to appoint." + +She bowed, and I left the room. Since that day I have only met her in +society, where we exchange a friendly bow, and occasionally a sarcasm. +I talk to her of the inconsolable women of Lancashire; she makes +allusion to Frenchwomen who dignify their gastric troubles by calling +them despair. Thanks to her, I have a mortal enemy in de Marsay, of +whom she is very fond. In return, I call her the wife of two +generations. + +So my disaster was complete; it lacked nothing. I followed the plan I +had laid out for myself during my retreat at Sache; I plunged into +work and gave myself wholly to science, literature, and politics. I +entered the diplomatic service on the accession of Charles X., who +suppressed the employment I held under the late king. From that moment +I was firmly resolved to pay no further attention to any woman, no +matter how beautiful, witty, or loving she might be. This +determination succeeded admirably; I obtained a really marvellous +tranquillity of mind, and great powers of work, and I came to +understand how much these women waste our lives, believing, all the +while, that a few gracious words will repay us. + +But--all my resolutions came to naught; you know how and why. Dear +Natalie, in telling you my life, without reserve, without concealment, +precisely as I tell it to myself, in relating to you feelings in which +you have had no share, perhaps I have wounded some corner of your +sensitive and jealous heart. But that which might anger a common woman +will be to you--I feel sure of it--an additional reason for loving me. +Noble women have indeed a sublime mission to fulfil to suffering and +sickened hearts,--the mission of the sister of charity who stanches +the wound, of the mother who forgives a child. Artists and poets are +not the only ones who suffer; men who work for their country, for the +future destiny of the nations, enlarging thus the circle of their +passions and their thoughts, often make for themselves a cruel +solitude. They need a pure, devoted love beside them,--believe me, +they understand its grandeur and its worth. + +To-morrow I shall know if I have deceived myself in loving you. + +Felix. + + + + +ANSWER TO THE ENVOI + + Madame la Comtesse Natalie de Manerville to Monsieur le Comte + Felix de Vandenesse. + + Dear Count,--You received a letter from poor Madame de Mortsauf, + which, you say, was of use in guiding you through the world,--a + letter to which you owe your distinguished career. Permit me to + finish your education. + + Give up, I beg of you, a really dreadful habit; do not imitate + certain widows who talk of their first husband and throw the + virtues of the deceased in the face of their second. I am a + Frenchwoman, dear count; I wish to marry the whole of the man I + love, and I really cannot marry Madame de Mortsauf too. Having + read your tale with all the attention it deserves,--and you know + the interest I feel in you,--it seems to me that you must have + wearied Lady Dudley with the perfections of Madame de Mortsauf, + and done great harm to the countess by overwhelming her with the + experiences of your English love. Also you have failed in tact to + me, poor creature without other merit than that of pleasing you; + you have given me to understand that I cannot love as Henriette or + Arabella loved you. I acknowledge my imperfections; I know them; + but why so roughly make me feel them? + + Shall I tell you whom I pity?--the fourth woman whom you love. She + will be forced to struggle against three others. Therefore, in + your interests as well as in hers, I must warn you against the + dangers of your tale. For myself, I renounce the laborious glory + of loving you,--it needs too many virtues, Catholic or Anglican, + and I have no fancy for rivalling phantoms. The virtues of the + virgin of Clochegourde would dishearten any woman, however sure of + herself she might be, and your intrepid English amazon discourages + even a wish for that sort of happiness. No matter what a poor + woman may do, she can never hope to give you the joys she will + aspire to give. Neither heart nor senses can triumph against these + memories of yours. I own that I have never been able to warm the + sunshine chilled for you by the death of your sainted Henriette. I + have felt you shuddering beside me. + + My friend,--for you will always be my friend,--never make such + confidences again; they lay bare your disillusions; they + discourage love, and compel a woman to feel doubtful of herself. + Love, dear count, can only live on trustfulness. The woman who + before she says a word or mounts her horse, must ask herself + whether a celestial Henriette might not have spoken better, + whether a rider like Arabella was not more graceful, that woman + you may be very sure, will tremble in all her members. You + certainly have given me a desire to receive a few of those + intoxicating bouquets--but you say you will make no more. There + are many other things you dare no longer do; thoughts and + enjoyments you can never reawaken. No woman, and you ought to know + this, will be willing to elbow in your heart the phantom whom you + hold there. + + You ask me to love you out of Christian charity. I could do much, + I candidly admit, for charity; in fact I could do all--except + love. You are sometimes wearisome and wearied; you call your + dulness melancholy. Very good,--so be it; but all the same it is + intolerable, and causes much cruel anxiety to one who loves you. I + have often found the grave of that saint between us. I have + searched my own heart, I know myself, and I own I do not wish to + die as she did. If you tired out Lady Dudley, who is a very + distinguished woman, I, who have not her passionate desires, + should, I fear, turn coldly against you even sooner than she did. + Come, let us suppress love between us, inasmuch as you can find + happiness only with the dead, and let us be merely friends--I wish + it. + + Ah! my dear count, what a history you have told me! At your + entrance into life you found an adorable woman, a perfect + mistress, who thought of your future, made you a peer, loved you + to distraction, only asked that you would be faithful to her, and + you killed her! I know nothing more monstrous. Among all the + passionate and unfortunate young men who haunt the streets of + Paris, I doubt if there is one who would not stay virtuous ten + years to obtain one half of the favors you did not know how to + value! When a man is loved like that how can he ask more? Poor + woman! she suffered indeed; and after you have written a few + sentimental phrases you think you have balanced your account with + her coffin. Such, no doubt, is the end that awaits my tenderness + for you. Thank you, dear count, I will have no rival on either + side of the grave. When a man has such a crime upon his + conscience, at least he ought not to tell of it. I made you an + imprudent request; but I was true to my woman's part as a daughter + of Eve,--it was your part to estimate the effect of the answer. + You ought to have deceived me; later I should have thanked you. Is + it possible that you have never understood the special virtue of + lovers? Can you not feel how generous they are in swearing that + they have never loved before, and love at last for the first time? + + No, your programme cannot be carried out. To attempt to be both + Madame de Mortsauf and Lady Dudley,--why, my dear friend, it would + be trying to unite fire and water within me! Is it possible that + you don't know women? Believe me, they are what they are, and they + have therefore the defects of their virtues. You met Lady Dudley + too early in life to appreciate her, and the harm you say of her + seems to me the revenge of your wounded vanity. You understood + Madame de Mortsauf too late; you punished one for not being the + other,--what would happen to me if I were neither the one nor the + other? I love you enough to have thought deeply about your future; + in fact, I really care for you a great deal. Your air of the + Knight of the Sad Countenance has always deeply interested me; I + believed in the constancy of melancholy men; but I little thought + that you had killed the loveliest and the most virtuous of women + at the opening of your life. + + Well, I ask myself, what remains for you to do? I have thought it + over carefully. I think, my friend, that you will have to marry a + Mrs. Shandy, who will know nothing of love or of passion, and will + not trouble herself about Madame de Mortsauf or Lady Dudley; who + will be wholly indifferent to those moments of ennui which you + call melancholy, during which you are as lively as a rainy day,--a + wife who will be to you, in short, the excellent sister of charity + whom you are seeking. But as for loving, quivering at a word, + anticipating happiness, giving it, receiving it, experiencing all + the tempests of passion, cherishing the little weaknesses of a + beloved woman--my dear count, renounce it all! You have followed + the advice of your good angel about young women too closely; you + have avoided them so carefully that now you know nothing about + them. Madame de Mortsauf was right to place you high in life at + the start; otherwise all women would have been against you, and + you never would have risen in society. + + It is too late now to begin your training over again; too late to + learn to tell us what we long to hear; to be superior to us at the + right moment, or to worship our pettiness when it pleases us to be + petty. We are not so silly as you think us. When we love we place + the man of our choice above all else. Whatever shakes our faith in + our supremacy shakes our love. In flattering us men flatter + themselves. If you intend to remain in society, to enjoy an + intercourse with women, you must carefully conceal from them all + that you have told me; they will not be willing to sow the flowers + of their love upon the rocks or lavish their caresses to soothe a + sickened spirit. Women will discover the barrenness of your heart + and you will be ever more and more unhappy. Few among them would + be frank enough to tell you what I have told you, or sufficiently + good-natured to leave you without rancor, offering their + friendship, like the woman who now subscribes herself + +Your devoted friend, + +Natalie de Manerville. + + + + +ADDENDUM + +The following personages appear in other stories of the Human Comedy. + +Birotteau, Abbe Francois + Cesar Birotteau + The Vicar of Tours + +Blamont-Chauvry, Princesse de + The Thirteen + Madame Firmiani + +Brandon, Lady Marie Augusta + The Member for Arcis + La Grenadiere + +Chessel, Madame de + The Government Clerks + +Dudley, Lord + The Thirteen + A Man of Business + Another Study of Woman + A Daughter of Eve + +Dudley, Lady Arabella + The Ball at Sceaux + The Magic Skin + The Secrets of a Princess + A Daughter of Eve + Letters of Two Brides + +Givry + Letters of Two Brides + Scenes from a Courtesan's Life + +Lenoncourt, Duc de + Cesar Birotteau + Jealousies of a Country Town + The Gondreville Mystery + Beatrix + +Lenoncourt-Givry, Duchesse de + Letters of Two Brides + Scenes from a Courtesan's Life + +Listomere, Marquis de + A Distinguished Provincial at Paris + A Study of Woman + +Listomere, Marquise de + Lost Illusions + A Distinguished Provincial at Paris + A Study of Woman + A Daughter of Eve + +Louis XVIII., Louis-Stanislas-Xavier + The Chouans + The Seamy Side of History + The Gondreville Mystery + Scenes from a Courtesan's Life + The Ball at Sceaux + Colonel Chabert + The Government Clerks + +Manerville, Comtesse Paul de + A Marriage Settlement + A Daughter of Eve + +Marsay, Henri de + The Thirteen + The Unconscious Humorists + Another Study of Woman + Father Goriot + Jealousies of a Country Town + Ursule Mirouet + A Marriage Settlement + Lost Illusions + A Distinguished Provincial at Paris + Letters of Two Brides + The Ball at Sceaux + Modeste Mignon + The Secrets of a Princess + The Gondreville Mystery + A Daughter of Eve + +Stanhope, Lady Esther + Lost Illusions + +Vandenesse, Comte Felix de + Lost Illusions + A Distinguished Provincial at Paris + Cesar Birotteau + Letters of Two Brides + A Start in Life + The Marriage Settlement + The Secrets of a Princess + Another Study of Woman + The Gondreville Mystery + A Daughter of Eve + + + + + +End of Project Gutenberg's The Lily of the Valley, by Honore de Balzac + +*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK THE LILY OF THE VALLEY *** + +***** This file should be named 1569.txt or 1569.zip ***** +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: + http://www.gutenberg.net/1/5/6/1569/ + +Produced by John Bickers and Dagny + +Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions +will be renamed. + +Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no +one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation +(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without +permission and without paying copyright royalties. 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Nacquart, + Member of the Royal Academy of Medicine. + + Dear Doctor--Here is one of the most carefully hewn stones in the + second course of the foundation of a literary edifice which I have + slowly and laboriously constructed. I wish to inscribe your name + upon it, as much to thank the man whose science once saved me as + to honor the friend of my daily life. + + +De Balzac. + + + + +THE LILY OF THE VALLEY + + + + + +ENVOI + + Felix de Vandenesse to Madame la Comtesse Natalie de Manerville: + + I yield to your wishes. It is the privilege of the women whom we + love more than they love us to make the men who love them ignore + the ordinary rules of common-sense. To smooth the frown upon their + brow, to soften the pout upon their lips, what obstacles we + miraculously overcome! We shed our blood, we risk our future! + + You exact the history of my past life; here it is. But remember + this, Natalie; in obeying you I crush under foot a reluctance + hitherto unconquerable. Why are you jealous of the sudden reveries + which overtake me in the midst of our happiness? Why show the + pretty anger of a petted woman when silence grasps me? Could you + not play upon the contradictions of my character without inquiring + into the causes of them? Are there secrets in your heart which + seek absolution through a knowledge of mine? Ah! Natalie, you have + guessed mine; and it is better you should know the whole truth. + Yes, my life is shadowed by a phantom; a word evokes it; it hovers + vaguely above me and about me; within my soul are solemn memories, + buried in its depths like those marine productions seen in calmest + weather and which the storms of ocean cast in fragments on the + shore. + + The mental labor which the expression of ideas necessitates has + revived the old, old feelings which give me so much pain when they + come suddenly; and if in this confession of my past they break + forth in a way that wounds you, remember that you threatened to + punish me if I did not obey your wishes, and do not, therefore, + punish my obedience. I would that this, my confidence, might + increase your love. + +Until we meet, + +Felix. + + + + +CHAPTER I + +TWO CHILDHOODS + +To what genius fed on tears shall we some day owe that most touching +of all elegies,--the tale of tortures borne silently by souls whose +tender roots find stony ground in the domestic soil, whose earliest +buds are torn apart by rancorous hands, whose flowers are touched by +frost at the moment of their blossoming? What poet will sing the +sorrows of the child whose lips must suck a bitter breast, whose +smiles are checked by the cruel fire of a stern eye? The tale that +tells of such poor hearts, oppressed by beings placed about them to +promote the development of their natures, would contain the true +history of my childhood. + +What vanity could I have wounded,--I a child new-born? What moral or +physical infirmity caused by mother's coldness? Was I the child of +duty, whose birth is a mere chance, or was I one whose very life was a +reproach? Put to nurse in the country and forgotten by my family for +over three years, I was treated with such indifference on my return to +the parental roof that even the servants pitied me. I do not know to +what feeling or happy accident I owed my rescue from this first +neglect; as a child I was ignorant of it, as a man I have not +discovered it. Far from easing my lot, my brother and my two sisters +found amusement in making me suffer. The compact in virtue of which +children hide each other's peccadilloes, and which early teaches them +the principles of honor, was null and void in my case; more than that, +I was often punished for my brother's faults, without being allowed to +prove the injustice. The fawning spirit which seems instinctive in +children taught my brother and sisters to join in the persecutions to +which I was subjected, and thus keep in the good graces of a mother +whom they feared as much as I. Was this partly the effect of a +childish love of imitation; was it from a need of testing their +powers; or was it simply through lack of pity? Perhaps these causes +united to deprive me of the sweets of fraternal intercourse. + +Disinherited of all affection, I could love nothing; yet nature had +made me loving. Is there an angel who garners the sighs of feeling +hearts rebuffed incessantly? If in many such hearts the crushed +feelings turn to hatred, in mine they condensed and hollowed a depth +from which, in after years, they gushed forth upon my life. In many +characters the habit of trembling relaxes the fibres and begets fear, +and fear ends in submission; hence, a weakness which emasculates a +man, and makes him more or less a slave. But in my case these +perpetual tortures led to the development of a certain strength, which +increased through exercise and predisposed my spirit to the habit of +moral resistance. Always in expectation of some new grief--as the +martyrs expected some fresh blow--my whole being expressed, I doubt +not, a sullen resignation which smothered the grace and gaiety of +childhood, and gave me an appearance of idiocy which seemed to justify +my mother's threatening prophecies. The certainty of injustice +prematurely roused my pride--that fruit of reason--and thus, no doubt, +checked the evil tendencies which an education like mine encouraged. + +Though my mother neglected me I was sometimes the object of her +solicitude; she occasionally spoke of my education and seemed desirous +of attending to it herself. Cold chills ran through me at such times +when I thought of the torture a daily intercourse with her would +inflict upon me. I blessed the neglect in which I lived, and rejoiced +that I could stay alone in the garden and play with the pebbles and +watch the insects and gaze into the blueness of the sky. Though my +loneliness naturally led me to reverie, my liking for contemplation +was first aroused by an incident which will give you an idea of my +early troubles. So little notice was taken of me that the governess +occasionally forgot to send me to bed. One evening I was peacefully +crouching under a fig-tree, watching a star with that passion of +curiosity which takes possession of a child's mind, and to which my +precocious melancholy gave a sort of sentimental intuition. My sisters +were playing about and laughing; I heard their distant chatter like an +accompaniment to my thoughts. After a while the noise ceased and +darkness fell. My mother happened to notice my absence. To escape +blame, our governess, a terrible Mademoiselle Caroline, worked upon my +mother's fears,--told her I had a horror of my home and would long ago +have run away if she had not watched me; that I was not stupid but +sullen; and that in all her experience of children she had never known +one of so bad a disposition as mine. She pretended to search for me. I +answered as soon as I was called, and she came to the fig-tree, where +she very well knew I was. "What are you doing there?" she asked. +"Watching a star." "You were not watching a star," said my mother, who +was listening on her balcony; "children of your age know nothing of +astronomy." "Ah, madame," cried Mademoiselle Caroline, "he has opened +the faucet of the reservoir; the garden is inundated!" Then there was +a general excitement. The fact was that my sisters had amused +themselves by turning the cock to see the water flow, but a sudden +spurt wet them all over and frightened them so much that they ran away +without closing it. Accused and convicted of this piece of mischief +and told that I lied when I denied it, I was severely punished. Worse +than all, I was jeered at for my pretended love of the stars and +forbidden to stay in the garden after dark. + +Such tyrannical restrains intensify a passion in the hearts of +children even more than in those of men; children think of nothing but +the forbidden thing, which then becomes irresistibly attractive to +them. I was often whipped for my star. Unable to confide in my kind, I +told it all my troubles in that delicious inward prattle with which we +stammer our first ideas, just as once we stammered our first words. At +twelve years of age, long after I was at school, I still watched that +star with indescribable delight,--so deep and lasting are the +impressions we receive in the dawn of life. + +My brother Charles, five years older than I and as handsome a boy as +he now is a man, was the favorite of my father, the idol of my mother, +and consequently the sovereign of the house. He was robust and well- +made, and had a tutor. I, puny and even sickly, was sent at five years +of age as day pupil to a school in the town; taken in the morning and +brought back at night by my father's valet. I was sent with a scanty +lunch, while my school-fellows brought plenty of good food. This +trifling contrast between my privations and their prosperity made me +suffer deeply. The famous potted pork prepared at Tours and called +"rillettes" and "rillons" was the chief feature of their mid-day meal, +between the early breakfast and the parent's dinner, which was ready +when we returned from school. This preparation of meat, much prized by +certain gourmands, is seldom seen at Tours on aristocratic tables; if +I had ever heard of it before I went to school, I certainly had never +had the happiness of seeing that brown mess spread on slices of bread +and butter. Nevertheless, my desire for those "rillons" was so great +that it grew to be a fixed idea, like the longing of an elegant +Parisian duchess for the stews cooked by a porter's wife,--longings +which, being a woman, she found means to satisfy. Children guess each +other's covetousness, just as you are able to read a man's love, by +the look in the eyes; consequently I became an admirable butt for +ridicule. My comrades, nearly all belonging to the lower bourgeoisie, +would show me their "rillons" and ask if I knew how they were made and +where they were sold, and why it was that I never had any. They licked +their lips as they talked of them--scraps of pork pressed in their own +fat and looking like cooked truffles; they inspected my lunch-basket, +and finding nothing better than Olivet cheese or dried fruits, they +plagued me with questions: "Is that all you have? have you really +nothing else?"--speeches which made me realize the difference between +my brother and myself. + +This contrast between my own abandonment and the happiness of others +nipped the roses of my childhood and blighted my budding youth. The +first time that I, mistaking my comrades' actions for generosity, put +forth my hand to take the dainty I had so long coveted and which was +now hypocritically held out to me, my tormentor pulled back his slice +to the great delight of his comrades who were expecting that result. +If noble and distinguished minds are, as we often find them, capable +of vanity, can we blame the child who weeps when despised and jeered +at? Under such a trial many boys would have turned into gluttons and +cringing beggars. I fought to escape my persecutors. The courage of +despair made me formidable; but I was hated, and thus had no +protection against treachery. One evening as I left school I was +struck in the back by a handful of small stones tied in a +handkerchief. When the valet, who punished the perpetrator, told this +to my mother she exclaimed: "That dreadful child! he will always be a +torment to us." + +Finding that I inspired in my schoolmates the same repulsion that was +felt for me by my family, I sank into a horrible distrust of myself. A +second fall of snow checked the seeds that were germinating in my +soul. The boys whom I most liked were notorious scamps; this fact +roused my pride and I held aloof. Again I was shut up within myself +and had no vent for the feelings with which my heart was full. The +master of the school, observing that I was gloomy, disliked by my +comrades, and always alone, confirmed the family verdict as to my +sulky temper. As soon as I could read and write, my mother transferred +me to Pont-le-Voy, a school in charge of Oratorians who took boys of +my age into a form called the "class of the Latin steps" where dull +lads with torpid brains were apt to linger. + +There I remained eight years without seeing my family; living the life +of a pariah,--partly for the following reason. I received but three +francs a month pocket-money, a sum barely sufficient to buy the pens, +ink, paper, knives, and rules which we were forced to supply +ourselves. Unable to buy stilts or skipping-ropes, or any of the +things that were used in the playground, I was driven out of the +games; to gain admission on suffrage I should have had to toady the +rich and flatter the strong of my division. My heart rose against +either of these meannesses, which, however, most children readily +employ. I lived under a tree, lost in dejected thought, or reading the +books distributed to us monthly by the librarian. How many griefs were +in the shadow of that solitude; what genuine anguish filled my +neglected life! Imagine what my sore heart felt when, at the first +distribution of prizes,--of which I obtained the two most valued, +namely, for theme and for translation,--neither my father nor my +mother was present in the theatre when I came forward to receive the +awards amid general acclamations, although the building was filled +with the relatives of all my comrades. Instead of kissing the +distributor, according to custom, I burst into tears and threw myself +on his breast. That night I burned my crowns in the stove. The parents +of the other boys were in town for a whole week preceding the +distribution of the prizes, and my comrades departed joyfully the next +day; while I, whose father and mother were only a few miles distant, +remained at the school with the "outremers,"--a name given to scholars +whose families were in the colonies or in foreign countries. + +You will notice throughout how my unhappiness increased in proportion +as the social spheres on which I entered widened. God knows what +efforts I made to weaken the decree which condemned me to live within +myself! What hopes, long cherished with eagerness of soul, were doomed +to perish in a day! To persuade my parents to come and see me, I wrote +them letters full of feeling, too emphatically worded, it may be; but +surely such letters ought not to have drawn upon me my mother's +reprimand, coupled with ironical reproaches for my style. Not +discouraged even then, I implored the help of my sisters, to whom I +always wrote on their birthdays and fete-days with the persistence of +a neglected child; but it was all in vain. As the day for the +distribution of prizes approached I redoubled my entreaties, and told +of my expected triumphs. Misled by my parents' silence, I expected +them with a beating heart. I told my schoolfellows they were coming; +and then, when the old porter's step sounded in the corridors as he +called my happy comrades one by one to receive their friends, I was +sick with expectation. Never did that old man call my name! + +One day, when I accused myself to my confessor of having cursed my +life, he pointed to the skies, where grew, he said, the promised palm +for the "Beati qui lugent" of the Saviour. From the period of my first +communion I flung myself into the mysterious depths of prayer, +attracted to religious ideas whose moral fairyland so fascinates young +spirits. Burning with ardent faith, I prayed to God to renew in my +behalf the miracles I had read of in martyrology. At five years of age +I fled to my star; at twelve I took refuge in the sanctuary. My +ecstasy brought dreams unspeakable, which fed my imagination, fostered +my susceptibilities, and strengthened my thinking powers. I have often +attributed those sublime visions to the guardian angel charged with +moulding my spirit to its divine destiny; they endowed my soul with +the faculty of seeing the inner soul of things; they prepared my heart +for the magic craft which makes a man a poet when the fatal power is +his to compare what he feels within him with reality,--the great +things aimed for with the small things gained. Those visions wrote +upon my brain a book in which I read that which I must voice; they +laid upon my lips the coal of utterance. + +My father having conceived some doubts as to the tendency of the +Oratorian teachings, took me from Pont-le-Voy, and sent me to Paris to +an institution in the Marais. I was then fifteen. When examined as to +my capacity, I, who was in the rhetoric class at Pont-le-Voy, was +pronounced worthy of the third class. The sufferings I had endured in +my family and in school were continued under another form during my +stay at the Lepitre Academy. My father gave me no money; I was to be +fed, clothed, and stuffed with Latin and Greek, for a sum agreed on. +During my school life I came in contact with over a thousand comrades; +but I never met with such an instance of neglect and indifference as +mine. Monsieur Lepitre, who was fanatically attached to the Bourbons, +had had relations with my father at the time when all devoted +royalists were endeavoring to bring about the escape of Marie +Antoinette from the Temple. They had lately renewed acquaintance; and +Monsieur Lepitre thought himself obliged to repair my father's +oversight, and to give me a small sum monthly. But not being +authorized to do so, the amount was small indeed. + +The Lepitre establishment was in the old Joyeuse mansion where, as in +all seignorial houses, there was a porter's lodge. During a recess, +which preceded the hour when the man-of-all-work took us to the +Charlemagne Lyceum, the well-to-do pupils used to breakfast with the +porter, named Doisy. Monsieur Lepitre was either ignorant of the fact +or he connived at this arrangement with Doisy, a regular smuggler whom +it was the pupils' interest to protect,--he being the secret guardian +of their pranks, the safe confidant of their late returns and their +intermediary for obtaining forbidden books. Breakfast on a cup of +"cafe-au-lait" is an aristocratic habit, explained by the high prices +to which colonial products rose under Napoleon. If the use of sugar +and coffee was a luxury to our parents, with us it was the sign of +self-conscious superiority. Doisy gave credit, for he reckoned on the +sisters and aunts of the pupils, who made it a point of honor to pay +their debts. I resisted the blandishments of his place for a long +time. If my judges knew the strength of its seduction, the heroic +efforts I made after stoicism, the repressed desires of my long +resistance, they would pardon my final overthrow. But, child as I was, +could I have the grandeur of soul that scorns the scorn of others? +Moreover, I may have felt the promptings of several social vices whose +power was increased by my longings. + +About the end of the second year my father and mother came to Paris. +My brother had written me the day of their arrival. He lived in Paris, +but had never been to see me. My sisters, he said, were of the party; +we were all to see Paris together. The first day we were to dine in +the Palais-Royal, so as to be near the Theatre-Francais. In spite of +the intoxication such a programme of unhoped-for delights excited, my +joy was dampened by the wind of a coming storm, which those who are +used to unhappiness apprehend instinctively. I was forced to own a +debt of a hundred francs to the Sieur Doisy, who threatened to ask my +parents himself for the money. I bethought me of making my brother the +emissary of Doisy, the mouth-piece of my repentance and the mediator +of pardon. My father inclined to forgiveness, but my mother was +pitiless; her dark blue eye froze me; she fulminated cruel prophecies: +"What should I be later if at seventeen years of age I committed such +follies? Was I really a son of hers? Did I mean to ruin my family? Did +I think myself the only child of the house? My brother Charles's +career, already begun, required large outlay, amply deserved by his +conduct which did honor to the family, while mine would always +disgrace it. Did I know nothing of the value of money, and what I cost +them? Of what use were coffee and sugar to my education? Such conduct +was the first step into all the vices." + +After enduring the shock of this torrent which rasped my soul, I was +sent back to school in charge of my brother. I lost the dinner at the +Freres Provencaux, and was deprived of seeing Talma in Britannicus. +Such was my first interview with my mother after a separation of +twelve years. + +When I had finished school my father left me under the guardianship of +Monsieur Lepitre. I was to study the higher mathematics, follow a +course of law for one year, and begin philosophy. Allowed to study in +my own room and released from the classes, I expected a truce with +trouble. But, in spite of my nineteen years, perhaps because of them, +my father persisted in the system which had sent me to school without +food, to an academy without pocket-money, and had driven me into debt +to Doisy. Very little money was allowed to me, and what can you do in +Paris without money? Moreover, my freedom was carefully chained up. +Monsieur Lepitre sent me to the law school accompanied by a man-of- +all-work who handed me over to the professor and fetched me home +again. A young girl would have been treated with less precaution than +my mother's fears insisted on for me. Paris alarmed my parents, and +justly. Students are secretly engaged in the same occupation which +fills the minds of young ladies in their boarding-schools. Do what you +will, nothing can prevent the latter from talking of lovers, or the +former of women. But in Paris, and especially at this particular time, +such talk among young lads was influenced by the oriental and sultanic +atmosphere and customs of the Palais-Royal. + +The Palais-Royal was an Eldorado of love where the ingots melted away +in coin; there virgin doubts were over; there curiosity was appeased. +The Palais-Royal and I were two asymptotes bearing one towards the +other, yet unable to meet. Fate miscarried all my attempts. My father +had presented me to one of my aunts who lived in the Ile St. Louis. +With her I was to dine on Sundays and Thursdays, escorted to the house +by either Monsieur or Madame Lepitre, who went out themselves on those +days and were to call for me on their way home. Singular amusement for +a young lad! My aunt, the Marquise de Listomere, was a great lady, of +ceremonious habits, who would never have dreamed of offering me money. +Old as a cathedral, painted like a miniature, sumptuous in dress, she +lived in her great house as though Louis XV. were not dead, and saw +none but old women and men of a past day,--a fossil society which made +me think I was in a graveyard. No one spoke to me and I had not the +courage to speak first. Cold and alien looks made me ashamed of my +youth, which seemed to annoy them. I counted on this indifference to +aid me in certain plans; I was resolved to escape some day directly +after dinner and rush to the Palais-Royal. Once seated at whist my +aunt would pay no attention to me. Jean, the footman, cared little for +Monsieur Lepitre and would have aided me; but on the day I chose for +my adventure that luckless dinner was longer than usual,--either +because the jaws employed were worn out or the false teeth more +imperfect. At last, between eight and nine o'clock, I reached the +staircase, my heart beating like that of Bianca Capello on the day of +her flight; but when the porter pulled the cord I beheld in the street +before me Monsieur Lepitre's hackney-coach, and I heard his pursy +voice demanding me! + +Three times did fate interpose between the hell of the Palais-Royal +and the heaven of my youth. On the day when I, ashamed at twenty years +of age of my own ignorance, determined to risk all dangers to put an +end to it, at the very moment when I was about to run away from +Monsieur Lepitre as he got into the coach,--a difficult process, for +he was as fat as Louis XVIII. and club-footed,--well, can you believe +it, my mother arrived in a post-chaise! Her glance arrested me; I +stood still, like a bird before a snake. What fate had brought her +there? The simplest thing in the world. Napoleon was then making his +last efforts. My father, who foresaw the return of the Bourbons, had +come to Paris with my mother to advise my brother, who was employed in +the imperial diplomatic service. My mother was to take me back with +her, out of the way of dangers which seemed, to those who followed the +march of events intelligently, to threaten the capital. In a few +minutes, as it were, I was taken out of Paris, at the very moment when +my life there was about to become fatal to me. + +The tortures of imagination excited by repressed desires, the +weariness of a life depressed by constant privations had driven me to +study, just as men, weary of fate, confine themselves in a cloister. +To me, study had become a passion, which might even be fatal to my +health by imprisoning me at a period of life when young men ought to +yield to the bewitching activities of their springtide youth. + +This slight sketch of my boyhood, in which you, Natalie, can readily +perceive innumerable songs of woe, was needful to explain to you its +influence on my future life. At twenty years of age, and affected by +many morbid elements, I was still small and thin and pale. My soul, +filled with the will to do, struggled with a body that seemed weakly, +but which, in the words of an old physician at Tours, was undergoing +its final fusion into a temperament of iron. Child in body and old in +mind, I had read and thought so much that I knew life metaphysically +at its highest reaches at the moment when I was about to enter the +tortuous difficulties of its defiles and the sandy roads of its +plains. A strange chance had held me long in that delightful period +when the soul awakes to its first tumults, to its desires for joy, and +the savor of life is fresh. I stood in the period between puberty and +manhood,--the one prolonged by my excessive study, the other tardily +developing its living shoots. No young man was ever more thoroughly +prepared to feel and to love. To understand my history, let your mind +dwell on that pure time of youth when the mouth is innocent of +falsehood; when the glance of the eye is honest, though veiled by lids +which droop from timidity contradicting desire; when the soul bends +not to worldly Jesuitism, and the heart throbs as violently from +trepidation as from the generous impulses of young emotion. + +I need say nothing of the journey I made with my mother from Paris to +Tours. The coldness of her behavior repressed me. At each relay I +tried to speak; but a look, a word from her frightened away the +speeches I had been meditating. At Orleans, where we had passed the +night, my mother complained of my silence. I threw myself at her feet +and clasped her knees; with tears I opened my heart. I tried to touch +hers by the eloquence of my hungry love in accents that might have +moved a stepmother. She replied that I was playing comedy. I +complained that she had abandoned me. She called me an unnatural +child. My whole nature was so wrung that at Blois I went upon the +bridge to drown myself in the Loire. The height of the parapet +prevented my suicide. + +When I reached home, my two sisters, who did not know me, showed more +surprise than tenderness. Afterwards, however, they seemed, by +comparison, to be full of kindness towards me. I was given a room on +the third story. You will understand the extent of my hardships when I +tell you that my mother left me, a young man of twenty, without other +linen than my miserable school outfit, or any other outside clothes +than those I had long worn in Paris. If I ran from one end of the room +to the other to pick up her handkerchief, she took it with the cold +thanks a lady gives to her footman. Driven to watch her to find if +there were any soft spot where I could fasten the rootlets of +affection, I came to see her as she was,--a tall, spare woman, given +to cards, egotistical and insolent, like all the Listomeres, who count +insolence as part of their dowry. She saw nothing in life except +duties to be fulfilled. All cold women whom I have known made, as she +did, a religion of duty; she received our homage as a priest receives +the incense of the mass. My elder brother appeared to absorb the +trifling sentiment of maternity which was in her nature. She stabbed +us constantly with her sharp irony,--the weapon of those who have no +heart,--and which she used against us, who could make her no reply. + +Notwithstanding these thorny hindrances, the instinctive sentiments +have so many roots, the religious fear inspired by a mother whom it is +dangerous to displease holds by so many threads, that the sublime +mistake--if I may so call it--of our love for our mother lasted until +the day, much later in our lives, when we judged her finally. This +terrible despotism drove from my mind all thoughts of the voluptuous +enjoyments I had dreamed of finding at Tours. In despair I took refuge +in my father's library, where I set myself to read every book I did +not know. These long periods of hard study saved me from contact with +my mother; but they aggravated the dangers of my moral condition. +Sometimes my eldest sister--she who afterwards married our cousin, the +Marquis de Listomere--tried to comfort me, without, however, being +able to calm the irritation to which I was a victim. I desired to die. + +Great events, of which I knew nothing, were then in preparation. The +Duc d'Angouleme, who had left Bordeaux to join Louis XVIII. in Paris, +was received in every town through which he passed with ovations +inspired by the enthusiasm felt throughout old France at the return of +the Bourbons. Touraine was aroused for its legitimate princes; the +town itself was in a flutter, every window decorated, the inhabitants +in their Sunday clothes, a festival in preparation, and that nameless +excitement in the air which intoxicates, and which gave me a strong +desire to be present at the ball given by the duke. When I summoned +courage to make this request of my mother, who was too ill to go +herself, she became extremely angry. "Had I come from Congo?" she +inquired. "How could I suppose that our family would not be +represented at the ball? In the absence of my father and brother, of +course it was my duty to be present. Had I no mother? Was she not +always thinking of the welfare of her children?" + +In a moment the semi-disinherited son had become a personage! I was +more dumfounded by my importance than by the deluge of ironical +reasoning with which my mother received my request. I questioned my +sisters, and then discovered that my mother, who liked such theatrical +plots, was already attending to my clothes. The tailors in Tours were +fully occupied by the sudden demands of their regular customers, and +my mother was forced to employ her usual seamstress, who--according to +provincial custom--could do all kinds of sewing. A bottle-blue coat +had been secretly made for me, after a fashion, and silk stockings and +pumps provided; waistcoats were then worn short, so that I could wear +one of my father's; and for the first time in my life I had a shirt +with a frill, the pleatings of which puffed out my chest and were +gathered in to the knot of my cravat. When dressed in this apparel I +looked so little like myself that my sister's compliments nerved me to +face all Touraine at the ball. But it was a bold enterprise. Thanks to +my slimness I slipped into a tent set up in the gardens of the Papion +house, and found a place close to the armchair in which the duke was +seated. Instantly I was suffocated by the heat, and dazzled by the +lights, the scarlet draperies, the gilded ornaments, the dresses, and +the diamonds of the first public ball I had ever witnessed. I was +pushed hither and thither by a mass of men and women, who hustled each +other in a cloud of dust. The brazen clash of military music was +drowned in the hurrahs and acclamations of "Long live the Duc +d'Angouleme! Long live the King! Long live the Bourbons!" The ball was +an outburst of pent-up enthusiasm, where each man endeavored to outdo +the rest in his fierce haste to worship the rising sun,--an exhibition +of partisan greed which left me unmoved, or rather, it disgusted me +and drove me back within myself. + +Swept onward like a straw in the whirlwind, I was seized with a +childish desire to be the Duc d'Angouleme himself, to be one of these +princes parading before an awed assemblage. This silly fancy of a +Tourangean lad roused an ambition to which my nature and the +surrounding circumstances lent dignity. Who would not envy such +worship?--a magnificent repetition of which I saw a few months later, +when all Paris rushed to the feet of the Emperor on his return from +Elba. The sense of this dominion exercised over the masses, whose +feelings and whose very life are thus merged into one soul, dedicated +me then and thenceforth to glory, that priestess who slaughters the +Frenchmen of to-day as the Druidess once sacrificed the Gauls. + +Suddenly I met the woman who was destined to spur these ambitious +desires and to crown them by sending me into the heart of royalty. Too +timid to ask any one to dance,--fearing, moreover, to confuse the +figures,--I naturally became very awkward, and did not know what to do +with my arms and legs. Just as I was suffering severely from the +pressure of the crowd an officer stepped on my feet, swollen by the +new leather of my shoes as well as by the heat. This disgusted me with +the whole affair. It was impossible to get away; but I took refuge in +a corner of a room at the end of an empty bench, where I sat with +fixed eyes, motionless and sullen. Misled by my puny appearance, a +woman--taking me for a sleepy child--slid softly into the place beside +me, with the motion of a bird as she drops upon her nest. Instantly I +breathed the woman-atmosphere, which irradiated my soul as, in after +days, oriental poesy has shone there. I looked at my neighbor, and was +more dazzled by that vision than I had been by the scene of the fete. + +If you have understood this history of my early life you will guess +the feelings which now welled up within me. My eyes rested suddenly on +white, rounded shoulders where I would fain have laid my head,-- +shoulders faintly rosy, which seemed to blush as if uncovered for the +first time; modest shoulders, that possessed a soul, and reflected +light from their satin surface as from a silken texture. These +shoulders were parted by a line along which my eyes wandered. I raised +myself to see the bust and was spell-bound by the beauty of the bosom, +chastely covered with gauze, where blue-veined globes of perfect +outline were softly hidden in waves of lace. The slightest details of +the head were each and all enchantments which awakened infinite +delights within me; the brilliancy of the hair laid smoothly above a +neck as soft and velvety as a child's, the white lines drawn by the +comb where my imagination ran as along a dewy path,--all these things +put me, as it were, beside myself. Glancing round to be sure that no +one saw me, I threw myself upon those shoulders as a child upon the +breast of its mother, kissing them as I laid my head there. The woman +uttered a piercing cry, which the noise of the music drowned; she +turned, saw me, and exclaimed, "Monsieur!" Ah! had she said, "My +little lad, what possesses you?" I might have killed her; but at the +word "Monsieur!" hot tears fell from my eyes. I was petrified by a +glance of saintly anger, by a noble face crowned with a diadem of +golden hair in harmony with the shoulders I adored. The crimson of +offended modesty glowed on her cheeks, though already it was appeased +by the pardoning instinct of a woman who comprehends a frenzy which +she inspires, and divines the infinite adoration of those repentant +tears. She moved away with the step and carriage of a queen. + +I then felt the ridicule of my position; for the first time I realized +that I was dressed like the monkey of a barrel organ. I was ashamed. +There I stood, stupefied,--tasting the fruit that I had stolen, +conscious of the warmth upon my lips, repenting not, and following +with my eyes the woman who had come down to me from heaven. Sick with +the first fever of the heart I wandered through the rooms, unable to +find mine Unknown, until at last I went home to bed, another man. + +A new soul, a soul with rainbow wings, had burst its chrysalis. +Descending from the azure wastes where I had long admired her, my star +had come to me a woman, with undiminished lustre and purity. I loved, +knowing naught of love. How strange a thing, this first irruption of +the keenest human emotion in the heart of a man! I had seen pretty +women in other places, but none had made the slightest impression upon +me. Can there be an appointed hour, a conjunction of stars, a union of +circumstances, a certain woman among all others to awaken an exclusive +passion at the period of life when love includes the whole sex? + +The thought that my Elect lived in Touraine made the air I breathed +delicious; the blue of the sky seemed bluer than I had ever yet seen +it. I raved internally, but externally I was seriously ill, and my +mother had fears, not unmingled with remorse. Like animals who know +when danger is near, I hid myself away in the garden to think of the +kiss that I had stolen. A few days after this memorable ball my mother +attributed my neglect of study, my indifference to her tyrannical +looks and sarcasms, and my gloomy behavior to the condition of my +health. The country, that perpetual remedy for ills that doctors +cannot cure, seemed to her the best means of bringing me out of my +apathy. She decided that I should spend a few weeks at Frapesle, a +chateau on the Indre midway between Montbazon and Azay-le-Rideau, +which belonged to a friend of hers, to whom, no doubt, she gave +private instructions. + +By the day when I thus for the first time gained my liberty I had swum +so vigorously in Love's ocean that I had well-nigh crossed it. I knew +nothing of mine unknown lady, neither her name, nor where to find her; +to whom, indeed, could I speak of her? My sensitive nature so +exaggerated the inexplicable fears which beset all youthful hearts at +the first approach of love that I began with the melancholy which +often ends a hopeless passion. I asked nothing better than to roam +about the country, to come and go and live in the fields. With the +courage of a child that fears no failure, in which there is something +really chivalrous, I determined to search every chateau in Touraine, +travelling on foot, and saying to myself as each old tower came in +sight, "She is there!" + +Accordingly, of a Thursday morning I left Tours by the barrier of +Saint-Eloy, crossed the bridges of Saint-Sauveur, reached Poncher +whose every house I examined, and took the road to Chinon. For the +first time in my life I could sit down under a tree or walk fast or +slow as I pleased without being dictated to by any one. To a poor lad +crushed under all sorts of despotism (which more or less does weigh +upon all youth) the first employment of freedom, even though it be +expended upon nothing, lifts the soul with irrepressible buoyancy. +Several reasons combined to make that day one of enchantment. During +my school years I had never been taken to walk more than two or three +miles from a city; yet there remained in my mind among the earliest +recollections of my childhood that feeling for the beautiful which the +scenery about Tours inspires. Though quite untaught as to the poetry +of such a landscape, I was, unknown to myself, critical upon it, like +those who imagine the ideal of art without knowing anything of its +practice. + +To reach the chateau of Frapesle, foot-passengers, or those on +horseback, shorten the way by crossing the Charlemagne moors,-- +uncultivated tracts of land lying on the summit of the plateau which +separates the valley of the Cher from that of the Indre, and over +which there is a cross-road leading to Champy. These moors are flat +and sandy, and for more than three miles are dreary enough until you +reach, through a clump of woods, the road to Sache, the name of the +township in which Frapesle stands. This road, which joins that of +Chinon beyond Ballan, skirts an undulating plain to the little hamlet +of Artanne. Here we come upon a valley, which begins at Montbazon, +ends at the Loire, and seems to rise and fall,--to bound, as it were, +--beneath the chateaus placed on its double hillsides,--a splendid +emerald cup, in the depths of which flow the serpentine lines of the +river Indre. I gazed at this scene with ineffable delight, for which +the gloomy moor-land and the fatigue of the sandy walk had prepared +me. + +"If that woman, the flower of her sex, does indeed inhabit this earth, +she is here, on this spot." + +Thus musing, I leaned against a walnut-tree, beneath which I have +rested from that day to this whenever I return to my dear valley. +Beneath that tree, the confidant of my thoughts, I ask myself what +changes there are in me since last I stood there. + +My heart deceived me not--she lived there; the first castle that I saw +on the slope of a hill was the dwelling that held her. As I sat +beneath my nut-tree, the mid-day sun was sparkling on the slates of +her roof and the panes of her windows. Her cambric dress made the +white line which I saw among the vines of an arbor. She was, as you +know already without as yet knowing anything, the Lily of this valley, +where she grew for heaven, filling it with the fragrance of her +virtues. Love, infinite love, without other sustenance than the +vision, dimly seen, of which my soul was full, was there, expressed to +me by that long ribbon of water flowing in the sunshine between the +grass-green banks, by the lines of the poplars adorning with their +mobile laces that vale of love, by the oak-woods coming down between +the vineyards to the shore, which the river curved and rounded as it +chose, and by those dim varying horizons as they fled confusedly away. + +If you would see nature beautiful and virgin as a bride, go there of a +spring morning. If you would still the bleeding wounds of your heart, +return in the last days of autumn. In the spring, Love beats his wings +beneath the broad blue sky; in the autumn, we think of those who are +no more. The lungs diseased breathe in a blessed purity; the eyes will +rest on golden copses which impart to the soul their peaceful +stillness. At this moment, when I stood there for the first time, the +mills upon the brooksides gave a voice to the quivering valley; the +poplars were laughing as they swayed; not a cloud was in the sky; the +birds sang, the crickets chirped,--all was melody. Do not ask me again +why I love Touraine. I love it, not as we love our cradle, not as we +love the oasis in a desert; I love it as an artist loves art; I love +it less than I love you; but without Touraine, perhaps I might not now +be living. + +Without knowing why, my eyes reverted ever to that white spot, to the +woman who shone in that garden as the bell of a convolvulus shines +amid the underbrush, and wilts if touched. Moved to the soul, I +descended the slope and soon saw a village, which the superabounding +poetry that filled my heart made me fancy without an equal. Imagine +three mills placed among islands of graceful outline crowned with +groves of trees and rising from a field of water,--for what other name +can I give to that aquatic vegetation, so verdant, so finely colored, +which carpeted the river, rose above its surface and undulated upon +it, yielding to its caprices and swaying to the turmoil of the water +when the mill-wheels lashed it. Here and there were mounds of gravel, +against which the wavelets broke in fringes that shimmered in the +sunlight. Amaryllis, water-lilies, reeds, and phloxes decorated the +banks with their glorious tapestry. A trembling bridge of rotten +planks, the abutments swathed with flowers, and the hand-rails green +with perennials and velvet mosses drooping to the river but not +falling to it; mouldering boats, fishing-nets; the monotonous sing- +song of a shepherd; ducks paddling among the islands or preening on +the "jard,"--a name given to the coarse sand which the Loire brings +down; the millers, with their caps over one ear, busily loading their +mules,--all these details made the scene before me one of primitive +simplicity. Imagine, also, beyond the bridge two or three farm-houses, +a dove-cote, turtle-doves, thirty or more dilapidated cottages, +separated by gardens, by hedges of honeysuckle, clematis, and jasmine; +a dunghill beside each door, and cocks and hens about the road. Such +is the village of Pont-de-Ruan, a picturesque little hamlet leading up +to an old church full of character, a church of the days of the +Crusades, such a one as painters desire for their pictures. Surround +this scene with ancient walnut-trees and slim young poplars with their +pale-gold leaves; dot graceful buildings here and there along the +grassy slopes where sight is lost beneath the vaporous, warm sky, and +you will have some idea of one of the points of view of this most +lovely region. + +I followed the road to Sache along the left bank of the river, +noticing carefully the details of the hills on the opposite shore. At +length I reached a park embellished with centennial trees, which I +knew to be that of Frapesle. I arrived just as the bell was ringing +for breakfast. After the meal, my host, who little suspected that I +had walked from Tours, carried me over his estate, from the borders of +which I saw the valley on all sides under its many aspects,--here +through a vista, there to its broad extent; often my eyes were drawn +to the horizon along the golden blade of the Loire, where the sails +made fantastic figures among the currents as they flew before the +wind. As we mounted a crest I came in sight of the chateau d'Azay, +like a diamond of many facets in a setting of the Indre, standing on +wooden piles concealed by flowers. Farther on, in a hollow, I saw the +romantic masses of the chateau of Sache, a sad retreat though full of +harmony; too sad for the superficial, but dear to a poet with a soul +in pain. I, too, came to love its silence, its great gnarled trees, +and the nameless mysterious influence of its solitary valley. But now, +each time that we reached an opening towards the neighboring slope +which gave to view the pretty castle I had first noticed in the +morning, I stopped to look at it with pleasure. + +"Hey!" said my host, reading in my eyes the sparkling desires which +youth so ingenuously betrays, "so you scent from afar a pretty woman +as a dog scents game!" + +I did not like the speech, but I asked the name of the castle and of +its owner. + +"It is Clochegourde," he replied; "a pretty house belonging to the +Comte de Mortsauf, the head of an historic family in Touraine, whose +fortune dates from the days of Louis XI., and whose name tells the +story to which they owe their arms and their distinction. Monsieur de +Mortsauf is descended from a man who survived the gallows. The family +bear: Or, a cross potent and counter-potent sable, charged with a +fleur-de-lis or; and 'Dieu saulve le Roi notre Sire,' for motto. The +count settled here after the return of the emigration. The estate +belongs to his wife, a demoiselle de Lenoncourt, of the house of +Lenoncourt-Givry which is now dying out. Madame de Mortsauf is an only +daughter. The limited fortune of the family contrasts strangely with +the distinction of their names; either from pride, or, possibly, from +necessity, they never leave Clochegourde and see no company. Until now +their attachment to the Bourbons explained this retirement, but the +return of the king has not changed their way of living. When I came to +reside here last year I paid them a visit of courtesy; they returned +it and invited us to dinner; the winter separated us for some months, +and political events kept me away from Frapesle until recently. Madame +de Mortsauf is a woman who would hold the highest position wherever +she might be." + +"Does she often come to Tours?" + +"She never goes there. However," he added, correcting himself, "she +did go there lately to the ball given to the Duc d'Angouleme, who was +very gracious to her husband." + +"It was she!" I exclaimed. + +"She! who?" + +"A woman with beautiful shoulders." + +"You will meet a great many women with beautiful shoulders in +Touraine," he said, laughing. "But if you are not tired we can cross +the river and call at Clochegourde and you shall renew acquaintance +with those particular shoulders." + +I agreed, not without a blush of shame and pleasure. About four +o'clock we reached the little chateau on which my eyes had fastened +from the first. The building, which is finely effective in the +landscape, is in reality very modest. It has five windows on the +front; those at each end of the facade, looking south, project about +twelve feet,--an architectural device which gives the idea of two +towers and adds grace to the structure. The middle window serves as a +door from which you descend through a double portico into a terraced +garden which joins the narrow strip of grass-land that skirts the +Indre along its whole course. Though this meadow is separated from the +lower terrace, which is shaded by a double line of acacias and +Japanese ailanthus, by the country road, it nevertheless appears from +the house to be a part of the garden, for the road is sunken and +hemmed in on one side by the terrace, on the other side by a Norman +hedge. The terraces being very well managed put enough distance +between the house and the river to avoid the inconvenience of too +great proximity to water, without losing the charms of it. Below the +house are the stables, coach-house, green-houses, and kitchen, the +various openings to which form an arcade. The roof is charmingly +rounded at the angles, and bears mansarde windows with carved mullions +and leaden finials on their gables. This roof, no doubt much neglected +during the Revolution, is stained by a sort of mildew produced by +lichens and the reddish moss which grows on houses exposed to the sun. +The glass door of the portico is surmounted by a little tower which +holds the bell, and on which is carved the escutcheon of the Blamont- +Chauvry family, to which Madame de Mortsauf belonged, as follows: +Gules, a pale vair, flanked quarterly by two hands clasped or, and two +lances in chevron sable. The motto, "Voyez tous, nul ne touche!" +struck me greatly. The supporters, a griffin and dragon gules, +enchained or, made a pretty effect in the carving. The Revolution has +damaged the ducal crown and the crest, which was a palm-tree vert with +fruit or. Senart, the secretary of the committee of public safety was +bailiff of Sache before 1781, which explains this destruction. + +These arrangements give an elegant air to the little castle, dainty as +a flower, which seems to scarcely rest upon the earth. Seen from the +valley the ground-floor appears to be the first story; but on the +other side it is on a level with a broad gravelled path leading to a +grass-plot, on which are several flower-beds. To right and left are +vineyards, orchards, and a few acres of tilled land planted with +chestnut-trees which surround the house, the ground falling rapidly to +the Indre, where other groups of trees of variegated shades of green, +chosen by Nature herself, are spread along the shore. I admired these +groups, so charmingly disposed, as we mounted the hilly road which +borders Clochegourde; I breathed an atmosphere of happiness. Has the +moral nature, like the physical nature, its own electrical +communications and its rapid changes of temperature? My heart was +beating at the approach of events then unrevealed which were to change +it forever, just as animals grow livelier when foreseeing fine +weather. + +This day, so marked in my life, lacked no circumstance that was needed +to solemnize it. Nature was adorned like a woman to meet her lover. My +soul heard her voice for the first time; my eyes worshipped her, as +fruitful, as varied as my imagination had pictured her in those +school-dreams the influence of which I have tried in a few unskilful +words to explain to you, for they were to me an Apocalypse in which my +life was figuratively foretold; each event, fortunate or unfortunate, +being mated to some one of these strange visions by ties known only to +the soul. + +We crossed a court-yard surrounded by buildings necessary for the farm +work,--a barn, a wine-press, cow-sheds, and stables. Warned by the +barking of the watch-dog, a servant came to meet us, saying that +Monsieur le comte had gone to Azay in the morning but would soon +return, and that Madame la comtesse was at home. My companion looked +at me. I fairly trembled lest he should decline to see Madame de +Mortsauf in her husband's absence; but he told the man to announce us. +With the eagerness of a child I rushed into the long antechamber which +crosses the whole house. + +"Come in, gentlemen," said a golden voice. + +Though Madame de Mortsauf had spoken only one word at the ball, I +recognized her voice, which entered my soul and filled it as a ray of +sunshine fills and gilds a prisoner's dungeon. Thinking, suddenly, +that she might remember my face, my first impulse was to fly; but it +was too late,--she appeared in the doorway, and our eyes met. I know +not which of us blushed deepest. Too much confused for immediate +speech she returned to her seat at an embroidery frame while the +servant placed two chairs, then she drew out her needle and counted +some stitches, as if to explain her silence; after which she raised +her head, gently yet proudly, in the direction of Monsieur de Chessel +as she asked to what fortunate circumstance she owed his visit. Though +curious to know the secret of my unexpected appearance, she looked at +neither of us,--her eyes were fixed on the river; and yet you could +have told by the way she listened that she was able to recognize, as +the blind do, the agitations of a neighboring soul by the +imperceptible inflexions of the voice. + +Monsieur de Chessel gave my name and biography. I had lately arrived +at Tours, where my parents had recalled me when the armies threatened +Paris. A son of Touraine to whom Touraine was as yet unknown, she +would find me a young man weakened by excessive study and sent to +Frapesle to amuse himself; he had already shown me his estate, which I +saw for the first time. I had just told him that I had walked from +Tours to Frapesle, and fearing for my health--which was really +delicate--he had stopped at Clochegourde to ask her to allow me to +rest there. Monsieur de Chessel told the truth; but the accident +seemed so forced that Madame de Mortsauf distrusted us. She gave me a +cold, severe glance, under which my own eyelids fell, as much from a +sense of humiliation as to hide the tears that rose beneath them. She +saw the moisture on my forehead, and perhaps she guessed the tears; +for she offered me the restoratives I needed, with a few kind and +consoling words, which gave me back the power of speech. I blushed +like a young girl, and in a voice as tremulous as that of an old man I +thanked her and declined. + +"All I ask," I said, raising my eyes to hers, which mine now met for +the second time in a glance as rapid as lightning,--"is to rest here. +I am so crippled with fatigue I really cannot walk farther." + +"You must not doubt the hospitality of our beautiful Touraine," she +said; then, turning to my companion, she added: "You will give us the +pleasure of your dining at Clochegourde?" + +I threw such a look of entreaty at Monsieur de Chessel that he began +the preliminaries of accepting the invitation, though it was given in +a manner that seemed to expect a refusal. As a man of the world, he +recognized these shades of meaning; but I, a young man without +experience, believed so implicitly in the sincerity between word and +thought of this beautiful woman that I was wholly astonished when my +host said to me, after we reached home that evening, "I stayed because +I saw you were dying to do so; but if you do not succeed in making it +all right, I may find myself on bad terms with my neighbors." That +expression, "if you do not make it all right," made me ponder the +matter deeply. In other words, if I pleased Madame de Mortsauf, she +would not be displeased with the man who introduced me to her. He +evidently thought I had the power to please her; this in itself gave +me that power, and corroborated my inward hope at a moment when it +needed some outward succor. + +"I am afraid it will be difficult," he began; "Madame de Chessel +expects us." + +"She has you every day," replied the countess; "besides, we can send +her word. Is she alone?" + +"No, the Abbe de Quelus is there." + +"Well, then," she said, rising to ring the bell, "you really must dine +with us." + +This time Monsieur de Chessel thought her in earnest, and gave me a +congratulatory look. As soon as I was sure of passing a whole evening +under that roof I seemed to have eternity before me. For many +miserable beings to-morrow is a word without meaning, and I was of the +number who had no faith in it; when I was certain of a few hours of +happiness I made them contain a whole lifetime of delight. + +Madame de Mortsauf talked about local affairs, the harvest, the +vintage, and other matters to which I was a total stranger. This +usually argues either a want of breeding or great contempt for the +stranger present who is thus shut out from the conversation, but in +this case it was embarrassment. Though at first I thought she treated +me as a child and I envied the man of thirty to whom she talked of +serious matters which I could not comprehend, I came, a few months +later, to understand how significant a woman's silence often is, and +how many thoughts a voluble conversation masks. At first I attempted +to be at my ease and take part in it, then I perceived the advantages +of my situation and gave myself up to the charm of listening to Madame +de Mortsauf's voice. The breath of her soul rose and fell among the +syllables as sound is divided by the notes of a flute; it died away to +the ear as it quickened the pulsation of the blood. Her way of +uttering the terminations in "i" was like a bird's song; the "ch" as +she said it was a kiss, but the "t's" were an echo of her heart's +despotism. She thus extended, without herself knowing that she did so, +the meaning of her words, leading the soul of the listener into +regions above this earth. Many a time I have continued a discussion I +could easily have ended, many a time I have allowed myself to be +unjustly scolded that I might listen to those harmonies of the human +voice, that I might breathe the air of her soul as it left her lips, +and strain to my soul that spoken light as I would fain have strained +the speaker to my breast. A swallow's song of joy it was when she was +gay!--but when she spoke of her griefs, a swan's voice calling to its +mates! + +Madame de Mortsauf's inattention to my presence enabled me to examine +her. My eyes rejoiced as they glided over the sweet speaker; they +kissed her feet, they clasped her waist, they played with the ringlets +of her hair. And yet I was a prey to terror, as all who, once in their +lives, have experienced the illimitable joys of a true passion will +understand. I feared she would detect me if I let my eyes rest upon +the shoulder I had kissed, and the fear sharpened the temptation. I +yielded, I looked, my eyes tore away the covering; I saw the mole +which lay where the pretty line between the shoulders started, and +which, ever since the ball, had sparkled in that twilight which seems +the region of the sleep of youths whose imagination is ardent and +whose life is chaste. + +I can sketch for you the leading features which all eyes saw in Madame +de Mortsauf; but no drawing, however correct, no color, however warm, +can represent her to you. Her face was of those that require the +unattainable artist, whose hand can paint the reflection of inward +fires and render that luminous vapor which defies science and is not +revealable by language--but which a lover sees. Her soft, fair hair +often caused her much suffering, no doubt through sudden rushes of +blood to the head. Her brow, round and prominent like that of Joconda, +teemed with unuttered thoughts, restrained feelings--flowers drowning +in bitter waters. The eyes, of a green tinge flecked with brown, were +always wan; but if her children were in question, or if some keen +condition of joy or suffering (rare in the lives of all resigned +women) seized her, those eyes sent forth a subtile gleam as if from +fires that were consuming her,--the gleam that wrung the tears from +mine when she covered me with her contempt, and which sufficed to +lower the boldest eyelid. A Grecian nose, designed it might be by +Phidias, and united by its double arch to lips that were gracefully +curved, spiritualized the face, which was oval with a skin of the +texture of a white camellia colored with soft rose-tints upon the +cheeks. Her plumpness did not detract from the grace of her figure nor +from the rounded outlines which made her shape beautiful though well +developed. You will understand the character of this perfection when I +say that where the dazzling treasures which had so fascinated me +joined the arm there was no crease or wrinkle. No hollow disfigured +the base of her head, like those which make the necks of some women +resemble trunks of trees; her muscles were not harshly defined, and +everywhere the lines were rounded into curves as fugitive to the eye +as to the pencil. A soft down faintly showed upon her cheeks and on +the outline of her throat, catching the light which made it silken. +Her little ears, perfect in shape, were, as she said herself, the ears +of a mother and a slave. In after days, when our hearts were one, she +would say to me, "Here comes Monsieur de Mortsauf"; and she was right, +though I, whose hearing is remarkably acute, could hear nothing. + +Her arms were beautiful. The curved fingers of the hand were long, and +the flesh projected at the side beyond the finger-nails, like those of +antique statues. I should displease you, I know, if you were not +yourself an exception to my rule, when I say that flat waists should +have the preference over round ones. The round waist is a sign of +strength; but women thus formed are imperious, self-willed, and more +voluptuous than tender. On the other hand, women with flat waists are +devoted in soul, delicately perceptive, inclined to sadness, more +truly woman than the other class. The flat waist is supple and +yielding; the round waist is inflexible and jealous. + +You now know how she was made. She had the foot of a well-bred woman, +--the foot that walks little, is quickly tired, and delights the eye +when it peeps beneath the dress. Though she was the mother of two +children, I have never met any woman so truly a young girl as she. Her +whole air was one of simplicity, joined to a certain bashful +dreaminess which attracted others, just as a painter arrests our steps +before a figure into which his genius has conveyed a world of +sentiment. If you recall the pure, wild fragrance of the heath we +gathered on our return from the Villa Diodati, the flower whose tints +of black and rose you praised so warmly, you can fancy how this woman +could be elegant though remote from the social world, natural in +expression, fastidious in all things which became part of herself,--in +short, like the heath of mingled colors. Her body had the freshness we +admire in the unfolding leaf; her spirit the clear conciseness of the +aboriginal mind; she was a child by feeling, grave through suffering, +the mistress of a household, yet a maiden too. Therefore she charmed +artlessly and unconsciously, by her way of sitting down or rising, of +throwing in a word or keeping silence. Though habitually collected, +watchful as the sentinel on whom the safety of others depends and who +looks for danger, there were moments when smiles would wreathe her +lips and betray the happy nature buried beneath the saddened bearing +that was the outcome of her life. Her gift of attraction was +mysterious. Instead of inspiring the gallant attentions which other +women seek, she made men dream, letting them see her virginal nature +of pure flame, her celestial visions, as we see the azure heavens +through rifts in the clouds. This involuntary revelation of her being +made others thoughtful. The rarity of her gestures, above all, the +rarity of her glances--for, excepting her children, she seldom looked +at any one--gave a strange solemnity to all she said and did when her +words or actions seemed to her to compromise her dignity. + +On this particular morning Madame de Mortsauf wore a rose-colored gown +patterned in tiny stripes, a collar with a wide hem, a black belt, and +little boots of the same hue. Her hair was simply twisted round her +head, and held in place by a tortoise-shell comb. Such, my dear +Natalie, is the imperfect sketch I promised you. But the constant +emanation of her soul upon her family, that nurturing essence shed in +floods around her as the sun emits its light, her inward nature, her +cheerfulness on days serene, her resignation on stormy ones,--all +those variations of expression by which character is displayed depend, +like the effects in the sky, on unexpected and fugitive circumstances, +which have no connection with each other except the background against +which they rest, though all are necessarily mingled with the events of +this history,--truly a household epic, as great to the eyes of a wise +man as a tragedy to the eyes of the crowd, an epic in which you will +feel an interest, not only for the part I took in it, but for the +likeness that it bears to the destinies of so vast a number of women. + +Everything at Clochegourde bore signs of a truly English cleanliness. +The room in which the countess received us was panelled throughout and +painted in two shades of gray. The mantelpiece was ornamented with a +clock inserted in a block of mahogany and surmounted with a tazza, and +two large vases of white porcelain with gold lines, which held bunches +of Cape heather. A lamp was on a pier-table, and a backgammon board on +legs before the fireplace. Two wide bands of cotton held back the +white cambric curtains, which had no fringe. The furniture was covered +with gray cotton bound with a green braid, and the tapestry on the +countess's frame told why the upholstery was thus covered. Such +simplicity rose to grandeur. No apartment, among all that I have seen +since, has given me such fertile, such teeming impressions as those +that filled my mind in that salon of Clochegourde, calm and composed +as the life of its mistress, where the conventual regularity of her +occupations made itself felt. The greater part of my ideas in science +or politics, even the boldest of them, were born in that room, as +perfumes emanate from flowers; there grew the mysterious plant that +cast upon my soul its fructifying pollen; there glowed the solar +warmth which developed my good and shrivelled my evil qualities. +Through the windows the eye took in the valley from the heights of +Pont-de-Ruan to the chateau d'Azay, following the windings of the +further shore, picturesquely varied by the towers of Frapesle, the +church, the village, and the old manor-house of Sache, whose venerable +pile looked down upon the meadows. + +In harmony with this reposeful life, and without other excitements to +emotion than those arising in the family, this scene conveyed to the +soul its own serenity. If I had met her there for the first time, +between the count and her two children, instead of seeing her +resplendent in a ball dress, I should not have ravished that delirious +kiss, which now filled me with remorse and with the fear of having +lost the future of my love. No; in the gloom of my unhappy life I +should have bent my knee and kissed the hem of her garment, wetting it +with tears, and then I might have flung myself into the Indre. But +having breathed the jasmine perfume of her skin and drunk the milk of +that cup of love, my soul had acquired the knowledge and the hope of +human joys; I would live and await the coming of happiness as the +savage awaits his hour of vengeance; I longed to climb those trees, to +creep among the vines, to float in the river; I wanted the +companionship of night and its silence, I needed lassitude of body, I +craved the heat of the sun to make the eating of the delicious apple +into which I had bitten perfect. Had she asked of me the singing +flower, the riches buried by the comrades of Morgan the destroyer, I +would have sought them, to obtain those other riches and that mute +flower for which I longed. + +When my dream, the dream into which this first contemplation of my +idol plunged me, came to an end and I heard her speaking of Monsieur +de Mortsauf, the thought came that a woman must belong to her husband, +and a raging curiosity possessed me to see the owner of this treasure. +Two emotions filled my mind, hatred and fear,--hatred which allowed of +no obstacles and measured all without shrinking, and a vague, but real +fear of the struggle, of its issue, and above all of HER. + +"Here is Monsieur de Mortsauf," she said. + +I sprang to my feet like a startled horse. Though the movement was +seen by Monsieur de Chessel and the countess, neither made any +observation, for a diversion was effected at this moment by the +entrance of a little girl, whom I took to be about six years old, who +came in exclaiming, "Here's papa!" + +"Madeleine?" said her mother, gently. + +The child at once held out her hand to Monsieur de Chessel, and looked +attentively at me after making a little bow with an air of +astonishment. + +"Are you more satisfied about her health?" asked Monsieur de Chessel. + +"She is better," replied the countess, caressing the little head which +was already nestling in her lap. + +The next question of Monsieur de Chessel let me know that Madeleine +was nine years old; I showed great surprise, and immediately the +clouds gathered on the mother's brow. My companion threw me a +significant look,--one of those which form the education of men of the +world. I had stumbled no doubt upon some maternal wound the covering +of which should have been respected. The sickly child, whose eyes were +pallid and whose skin was white as a porcelain vase with a light +within it, would probably not have lived in the atmosphere of a city. +Country air and her mother's brooding care had kept the life in that +frail body, delicate as a hot-house plant growing in a harsh and +foreign climate. Though in nothing did she remind me of her mother, +Madeleine seemed to have her soul, and that soul held her up. Her hair +was scanty and black, her eyes and cheeks hollow, her arms thin, her +chest narrow, showing a battle between life and death, a duel without +truce in which the mother had so far been victorious. The child willed +to live,--perhaps to spare her mother, for at times, when not +observed, she fell into the attitude of a weeping-willow. You might +have thought her a little gypsy dying of hunger, begging her way, +exhausted but always brave and dressed up to play her part. + +"Where have you left Jacques?" asked the countess, kissing the white +line which parted the child's hair into two bands that looked like a +crow's wings. + +"He is coming with papa." + +Just then the count entered, holding his son by the hand. Jacques, the +image of his sister, showed the same signs of weakness. Seeing these +sickly children beside a mother so magnificently healthy it was +impossible not to guess at the causes of the grief which clouded her +brow and kept her silent on a subject she could take to God only. As +he bowed, Monsieur de Mortsauf gave me a glance that was less +observing than awkwardly uneasy,--the glance of a man whose distrust +grows out of his inability to analyze. After explaining the +circumstances of our visit, and naming me to him, the countess gave +him her place and left the room. The children, whose eyes were on +those of their mother as if they drew the light of theirs from hers, +tried to follow her; but she said, with a finger on her lips, "Stay +dears!" and they obeyed, but their eyes filled. Ah! to hear that one +word "dears" what tasks they would have undertaken! + +Like the children, I felt less warm when she had left us. My name +seemed to change the count's feeling toward me. Cold and supercilious +in his first glance, he became at once, if not affectionate, at least +politely attentive, showing me every consideration and seeming pleased +to receive me as a guest. My father had formerly done devoted service +to the Bourbons, and had played an important and perilous, though +secret part. When their cause was lost by the elevation of Napoleon, +he took refuge in the quietude of the country and domestic life, +accepting the unmerited accusations that followed him as the +inevitable reward of those who risk all to win all, and who succumb +after serving as pivot to the political machine. Knowing nothing of +the fortunes, nor of the past, nor of the future of my family, I was +unaware of this devoted service which the Comte de Mortsauf well +remembered. Moreover, the antiquity of our name, the most precious +quality of a man in his eyes, added to the warmth of his greeting. I +knew nothing of these reasons until later; for the time being the +sudden transition to cordiality put me at my ease. When the two +children saw that we were all three fairly engaged in conversation, +Madeleine slipped her head from her father's hand, glanced at the open +door, and glided away like an eel, Jacques following her. They +rejoined their mother, and I heard their voices and their movements, +sounding in the distance like the murmur of bees about a hive. + +I watched the count, trying to guess his character, but I became so +interested in certain leading traits that I got no further than a +superficial examination of his personality. Though he was only forty- +five years old, he seemed nearer sixty, so much had the great +shipwreck at the close of the eighteenth century aged him. The +crescent of hair which monastically fringed the back of his head, +otherwise completely bald, ended at the ears in little tufts of gray +mingled with black. His face bore a vague resemblance to that of a +white wolf with blood about its muzzle, for his nose was inflamed and +gave signs of a life poisoned at its springs and vitiated by diseases +of long standing. His flat forehead, too broad for the face beneath +it, which ended in a point, and transversely wrinkled in crooked +lines, gave signs of a life in the open air, but not of any mental +activity; it also showed the burden of constant misfortunes, but not +of any efforts made to surmount them. His cheekbones, which were brown +and prominent amid the general pallor of his skin, showed a physical +structure which was likely to ensure him a long life. His hard, light- +yellow eye fell upon mine like a ray of wintry sun, bright without +warmth, anxious without thought, distrustful without conscious cause. +His mouth was violent and domineering, his chin flat and long. Thin +and very tall, he had the bearing of a gentleman who relies upon the +conventional value of his caste, who knows himself above others by +right, and beneath them in fact. The carelessness of country life had +made him neglect his external appearance. His dress was that of a +country-man whom peasants and neighbors no longer considered except +for his territorial worth. His brown and wiry hands showed that he +wore no gloves unless he mounted a horse, or went to church, and his +shoes were thick and common. + +Though ten years of emigration and ten years more of farm-life had +changed his physical condition, he still retained certain vestiges of +nobility. The bitterest liberal (a term not then in circulation) would +readily have admitted his chivalric loyalty and the imperishable +convictions of one who puts his faith to the "Quotidienne"; he would +have felt respect for the man religiously devoted to a cause, honest +in his political antipathies, incapable of serving his party but very +capable of injuring it, and without the slightest real knowledge of +the affairs of France. The count was in fact one of those upright men +who are available for nothing, but stand obstinately in the way of +all; ready to die under arms at the post assigned to them, but +preferring to give their life rather than to give their money. + +During dinner I detected, in the hanging of his flaccid cheeks and the +covert glances he cast now and then upon his children, the traces of +some wearing thought which showed for a moment upon the surface. +Watching him, who could fail to understand him? Who would not have +seen that he had fatally transmitted to his children those weakly +bodies in which the principle of life was lacking. But if he blamed +himself he denied to others the right to judge him. Harsh as one who +knows himself in fault, yet without greatness of soul or charm to +compensate for the weight of misery he had thrown into the balance, +his private life was no doubt the scene of irascibilities that were +plainly revealed in his angular features and by the incessant +restlessness of his eye. When his wife returned, followed by the +children who seemed fastened to her side, I felt the presence of +unhappiness, just as in walking over the roof of a vault the feet +become in some way conscious of the depths below. Seeing these four +human beings together, holding them all as it were in one glance, +letting my eye pass from one to the other, studying their countenances +and their respective attitudes, thoughts steeped in sadness fell upon +my heart as a fine gray rain dims a charming landscape after the sun +has risen clear. + +When the immediate subject of conversation was exhausted the count +told his wife who I was, and related certain circumstances connected +with my family that were wholly unknown to me. He asked me my age. +When I told it, the countess echoed my own exclamation of surprise at +her daughter's age. Perhaps she had thought me fifteen. Later on, I +discovered that this was still another tie which bound her strongly to +me. Even then I read her soul. Her motherhood quivered with a tardy +ray of hope. Seeing me at over twenty years of age so slight and +delicate and yet so nervously strong, a voice cried to her, "They too +will live!" She looked at me searchingly, and in that moment I felt +the barriers of ice melting between us. She seemed to have many +questions to ask, but uttered none. + +"If study has made you ill," she said, "the air of our valley will +soon restore you." + +"Modern education is fatal to children," remarked the count. "We stuff +them with mathematics and ruin their health with sciences, and make +them old before their time. You must stay and rest here," he added, +turning to me. "You are crushed by the avalanche of ideas that have +rolled down upon you. What sort of future will this universal +education bring upon us unless we prevent its evils by replacing +public education in the hands of the religious bodies?" + +These words were in harmony with a speech he afterwards made at the +elections when he refused his support to a man whose gifts would have +done good service to the royalist cause. "I shall always distrust men +of talent," he said. + +Presently the count proposed that we should make the tour of the +gardens. + +"Monsieur--" said his wife. + +"Well, what, my dear?" he said, turning to her with an arrogant +harshness which showed plainly enough how absolute he chose to be in +his own home. + +"Monsieur de Vandenesse walked from Tours this morning and Monsieur de +Chessel, not aware of it, has already taken him on foot over +Frapesle." + +"Very imprudent of you," the count said, turning to me; "but at your +age--" and he shook his head in sign of regret. + +The conversation was resumed. I soon saw how intractable his royalism +was, and how much care was needed to swim safely in his waters. The +man-servant, who had now put on his livery, announced dinner. Monsieur +de Chessel gave his arm to Madame de Mortsauf, and the count gaily +seized mine to lead me into the dining-room, which was on the ground- +floor facing the salon. + +This room, floored with white tiles made in Touraine, and wainscoted +to the height of three feet, was hung with a varnished paper divided +into wide panels by wreaths of flowers and fruit; the windows had +cambric curtains trimmed with red, the buffets were old pieces by +Boulle himself, and the woodwork of the chairs, which were covered by +hand-made tapestry, was carved oak. The dinner, plentifully supplied, +was not luxurious; family silver without uniformity, Dresden china +which was not then in fashion, octagonal decanters, knives with agate +handles, and lacquered trays beneath the wine-bottles, were the chief +features of the table, but flowers adorned the porcelain vases and +overhung the gilding of their fluted edges. I delighted in these +quaint old things. I thought the Reveillon paper with its flowery +garlands beautiful. The sweet content that filled my sails hindered me +from perceiving the obstacles which a life so uniform, so unvarying in +solitude of the country placed between her and me. I was near her, +sitting at her right hand, serving her with wine. Yes, unhoped-for +joy! I touched her dress, I ate her bread. At the end of three hours +my life had mingled with her life! That terrible kiss had bound us to +each other in a secret which inspired us with mutual shame. A glorious +self-abasement took possession of me. I studied to please the count, I +fondled the dogs, I would gladly have gratified every desire of the +children, I would have brought them hoops and marbles and played horse +with them; I was even provoked that they did not already fasten upon +me as a thing of their own. Love has intuitions like those of genius; +and I dimly perceived that gloom, discontent, hostility would destroy +my footing in that household. + +The dinner passed with inward happiness on my part. Feeling that I was +there, under her roof, I gave no heed to her obvious coldness, nor to +the count's indifference masked by his politeness. Love, like life, +has an adolescence during which period it suffices unto itself. I made +several stupid replies induced by the tumults of passion, but no one +perceived their cause, not even SHE, who knew nothing of love. The +rest of my visit was a dream, a dream which did not cease until by +moonlight on that warm and balmy night I recrossed the Indre, watching +the white visions that embellished meadows, shores, and hills, and +listening to the clear song, the matchless note, full of deep +melancholy and uttered only in still weather, of a tree-frog whose +scientific name is unknown to me. Since that solemn evening I have +never heard it without infinite delight. A sense came to me then of +the marble wall against which my feelings had hitherto dashed +themselves. Would it be always so? I fancied myself under some fatal +spell; the unhappy events of my past life rose up and struggled with +the purely personal pleasure I had just enjoyed. Before reaching +Frapesle I turned to look at Clochegourde and saw beneath its windows +a little boat, called in Touraine a punt, fastened to an ash-tree and +swaying on the water. This punt belonged to Monsieur de Mortsauf, who +used it for fishing. + +"Well," said Monsieur de Chessel, when we were out of ear-shot. "I +needn't ask if you found those shoulders; I must, however, +congratulate you on the reception Monsieur de Mortsauf gave you. The +devil! you stepped into his heart at once." + +These words followed by those I have already quoted to you raised my +spirits. I had not as yet said a word, and Monsieur de Chessel may +have attributed my silence to happiness. + +"How do you mean?" I asked. + +"He never, to my knowledge, received any one so well." + +"I will admit that I am rather surprised myself," I said, conscious of +a certain bitterness underlying my companion's speech. + +Though I was too inexpert in social matters to understand its cause, I +was much struck by the feeling Monsieur de Chessel betrayed. His real +name was Durand, but he had had the weakness to discard the name of a +worthy father, a merchant who had made a large fortune under the +Revolution. His wife was sole heiress of the Chessels, an old +parliamentary family under Henry IV., belonging to the middle classes, +as did most of the Parisian magistrates. Ambitious of higher flights +Monsieur de Chessel endeavored to smother the original Durand. He +first called himself Durand de Chessel, then D. de Chessel, and that +made him Monsieur de Chessel. Under the Restoration he entailed an +estate with the title of count in virtue of letters-patent from Louis +XVIII. His children reaped the fruits of his audacity without knowing +what it cost him in sarcastic comments. Parvenus are like monkeys, +whose cleverness they possess; we watch them climbing, we admire their +agility, but once at the summit we see only their absurd and +contemptible parts. The reverse side of my host's character was made +up of pettiness with the addition of envy. The peerage and he were on +diverging lines. To have an ambition and gratify it shows merely the +insolence of strength, but to live below one's avowed ambition is a +constant source of ridicule to petty minds. Monsieur de Chessel did +not advance with the straightforward step of a strong man. Twice +elected deputy, twice defeated; yesterday director-general, to-day +nothing at all, not even prefect, his successes and his defeats had +injured his nature, and given him the sourness of invalided ambition. +Though a brave man and a witty one and capable of great things, envy, +which is the root of existence in Touraine, the inhabitants of which +employ their native genius in jealousy of all things, injured him in +upper social circles, where a dissatisfied man, frowning at the +success of others, slow at compliments and ready at epigram, seldom +succeeds. Had he sought less he might perhaps have obtained more; but +unhappily he had enough genuine superiority to make him wish to +advance in his own way. + +At this particular time Monsieur de Chessel's ambition had a second +dawn. Royalty smiled upon him, and he was now affecting the grand +manner. Still he was, I must say, most kind to me, and he pleased me +for the very simple reason that with him I had found peace and rest +for the first time. The interest, possibly very slight, which he +showed in my affairs, seemed to me, lonely and rejected as I was, an +image of paternal love. His hospitable care contrasted so strongly +with the neglect to which I was accustomed, that I felt a childlike +gratitude to the home where no fetters bound me and where I was +welcomed and even courted. + +The owners of Frapesle are so associated with the dawn of my life's +happiness that I mingle them in all those memories I love to revive. +Later, and more especially in connection with his letters-patent, I +had the pleasure of doing my host some service. Monsieur de Chessel +enjoyed his wealth with an ostentation that gave umbrage to certain of +his neighbors. He was able to vary and renew his fine horses and +elegant equipages; his wife dressed exquisitely; he received on a +grand scale; his servants were more numerous than his neighbors +approved; for all of which he was said to be aping princes. The +Frapesle estate is immense. Before such luxury as this the Comte de +Mortsauf, with one family cariole,--which in Touraine is something +between a coach without springs and a post-chaise,--forced by limited +means to let or farm Clochegourde, was Tourangean up to the time when +royal favor restored the family to a distinction possibly unlooked +for. His greeting to me, the younger son of a ruined family whose +escutcheon dated back to the Crusades, was intended to show contempt +for the large fortune and to belittle the possessions, the woods, the +arable lands, the meadows, of a neighbor who was not of noble birth. +Monsieur de Chessel fully understood this. They always met politely; +but there was none of that daily intercourse or that agreeable +intimacy which ought to have existed between Clochegourde and +Frapesle, two estates separated only by the Indre, and whose +mistresses could have beckoned to each other from their windows. + +Jealousy, however, was not the sole reason for the solitude in which +the Count de Mortsauf lived. His early education was that of the +children of great families,--an incomplete and superficial instruction +as to knowledge, but supplemented by the training of society, the +habits of a court life, and the exercise of important duties under the +crown or in eminent offices. Monsieur de Mortsauf had emigrated at the +very moment when the second stage of his education was about to begin, +and accordingly that training was lacking to him. He was one of those +who believed in the immediate restoration of the monarchy; with that +conviction in his mind, his exile was a long and miserable period of +idleness. When the army of Conde, which his courage led him to join +with the utmost devotion, was disbanded, he expected to find some +other post under the white flag, and never sought, like other +emigrants, to take up an industry. Perhaps he had not the sort of +courage that could lay aside his name and earn his living in the sweat +of a toil he despised. His hopes, daily postponed to the morrow, and +possibly a scruple of honor, kept him from offering his services to +foreign powers. Trials undermined his courage. Long tramps afoot on +insufficient nourishment, and above all, on hopes betrayed, injured +his health and discouraged his mind. By degrees he became utterly +destitute. If to some men misery is a tonic, on others it acts as a +dissolvent; and the count was of the latter. + +Reflecting on the life of this poor Touraine gentleman, tramping and +sleeping along the highroads of Hungary, sharing the mutton of Prince +Esterhazy's shepherds, from whom the foot-worn traveller begged the +food he would not, as a gentleman, have accepted at the table of the +master, and refusing again and again to do service to the enemies of +France, I never found it in my heart to feel bitterness against him, +even when I saw him at his worst in after days. The natural gaiety of +a Frenchman and a Tourangean soon deserted him; he became morose, fell +ill, and was charitably cared for in some German hospital. His disease +was an inflammation of the mesenteric membrane, which is often fatal, +and is liable, even if cured, to change the constitution and produce +hypochondria. His love affairs, carefully buried out of sight and +which I alone discovered, were low-lived, and not only destroyed his +health but ruined his future. + +After twelve years of great misery he made his way to France, under +the decree of the Emperor which permitted the return of the emigrants. +As the wretched wayfarer crossed the Rhine and saw the tower of +Strasburg against the evening sky, his strength gave way. "'France! +France!' I cried. 'I see France!'" (he said to me) "as a child cries +'Mother!' when it is hurt." Born to wealth, he was now poor; made to +command a regiment or govern a province, he was now without authority +and without a future; constitutionally healthy and robust, he returned +infirm and utterly worn out. Without enough education to take part +among men and affairs, now broadened and enlarged by the march of +events, necessarily without influence of any kind, he lived despoiled +of everything, of his moral strength as well as his physical. Want of +money made his name a burden. His unalterable opinions, his +antecedents with the army of Conde, his trials, his recollections, his +wasted health, gave him susceptibilities which are but little spared +in France, that land of jest and sarcasm. Half dead he reached Maine, +where, by some accident of the civil war, the revolutionary government +had forgotten to sell one of his farms of considerable extent, which +his farmer had held for him by giving out that he himself was the +owner of it. + +When the Lenoncourt family, living at Givry, an estate not far from +this farm, heard of the arrival of the Comte de Mortsauf, the Duc de +Lenoncourt invited him to stay at Givry while a house was being +prepared for him. The Lenoncourt family were nobly generous to him, +and with them he remained some months, struggling to hide his +sufferings during that first period of rest. The Lenoncourts had +themselves lost an immense property. By birth Monsieur de Mortsauf was +a suitable husband for their daughter. Mademoiselle de Lenoncourt, +instead of rejecting a marriage with a feeble and worn-out man of +thirty-five, seemed satisfied to accept it. It gave her the +opportunity of living with her aunt, the Duchesse de Verneuil, sister +of the Prince de Blamont-Chauvry, who was like a mother to her. + +Madame de Verneuil, the intimate friend of the Duchesse de Bourbon, +was a member of the devout society of which Monsieur Saint-Martin +(born in Touraine and called the Philosopher of Mystery) was the soul. +The disciples of this philosopher practised the virtues taught them by +the lofty doctrines of mystical illumination. These doctrines hold the +key to worlds divine; they explain existence by reincarnations through +which the human spirit rises to its sublime destiny; they liberate +duty from its legal degradation, enable the soul to meet the trials of +life with the unalterable serenity of the Quaker, ordain contempt for +the sufferings of this life, and inspire a fostering care of that +angel within us who allies us to the divine. It is stoicism with an +immortal future. Active prayer and pure love are the elements of this +faith, which is born of the Roman Church but returns to the +Christianity of the primitive faith. Mademoiselle de Lenoncourt +remained, however, in the Catholic communion, to which her aunt was +equally bound. Cruelly tried by revolutionary horrors, the Duchesse de +Verneuil acquired in the last years of her life a halo of passionate +piety, which, to use the phraseology of Saint-Martin, shed the light +of celestial love and the chrism of inward joy upon the soul of her +cherished niece. + +After the death of her aunt, Madame de Mortsauf received several +visits at Clochegourde from Saint-Martin, a man of peace and of +virtuous wisdom. It was at Clochegourde that he corrected his last +books, printed at Tours by Letourmy. Madame de Verneuil, wise with the +wisdom of an old woman who has known the stormy straits of life, gave +Clochegourde to the young wife for her married home; and with the +grace of old age, so perfect where it exists, the duchess yielded +everything to her niece, reserving for herself only one room above the +one she had always occupied, and which she now fitted up for the +countess. Her sudden death threw a gloom over the early days of the +marriage, and connected Clochegourde with ideas of sadness in the +sensitive mind of the bride. The first period of her settlement in +Touraine was to Madame de Mortsauf, I cannot say the happiest, but the +least troubled of her life. + +After the many trials of his exile, Monsieur de Mortsauf, taking +comfort in the thought of a secure future, had a certain recovery of +mind; he breathed anew in this sweet valley the intoxicating essence +of revived hope. Compelled to husband his means, he threw himself into +agricultural pursuits and began to find some happiness in life. But +the birth of his first child, Jacques, was a thunderbolt which ruined +both the past and the future. The doctor declared the child had not +vitality enough to live. The count concealed this sentence from the +mother; but he sought other advice, and received the same fatal +answer, the truth of which was confirmed at the subsequent birth of +Madeleine. These events and a certain inward consciousness of the +cause of this disaster increased the diseased tendencies of the man +himself. His name doomed to extinction, a pure and irreproachable +young woman made miserable beside him and doomed to the anguish of +maternity without its joys--this uprising of his former into his +present life, with its growth of new sufferings, crushed his spirit +and completed its destruction. + +The countess guessed the past from the present, and read the future. +Though nothing is so difficult as to make a man happy when he knows +himself to blame, she set herself to that task, which is worthy of an +angel. She became stoical. Descending into an abyss, whence she still +could see the sky, she devoted herself to the care of one man as the +sister of charity devotes herself to many. To reconcile him with +himself, she forgave him that for which he had no forgiveness. The +count grew miserly; she accepted the privations he imposed. Like all +who have known the world only to acquire its suspiciousness, he feared +betrayal; she lived in solitude and yielded without a murmur to his +mistrust. With a woman's tact she made him will to do that which was +right, till he fancied the ideas were his own, and thus enjoyed in his +own person the honors of a superiority that was never his. After due +experience of married life, she came to the resolution of never +leaving Clochegourde; for she saw the hysterical tendencies of the +count's nature, and feared the outbreaks which might be talked of in +that gossipping and jealous neighborhood to the injury of her +children. Thus, thanks to her, no one suspected Monsieur de Mortsauf's +real incapacity, for she wrapped his ruins in a mantle of ivy. The +fickle, not merely discontented but embittered nature of the man found +rest and ease in his wife; his secret anguish was lessened by the balm +she shed upon it. + +This brief history is in part a summary of that forced from Monsieur +de Chessel by his inward vexation. His knowledge of the world enabled +him to penetrate several of the mysteries of Clochegourde. But the +prescience of love could not be misled by the sublime attitude with +which Madame de Mortsauf deceived the world. When alone in my little +bedroom, a sense of the full truth made me spring from my bed; I could +not bear to stay at Frapesle when I saw the lighted windows of +Clochegourde. I dressed, went softly down, and left the chateau by the +door of a tower at the foot of a winding stairway. The coolness of the +night calmed me. I crossed the Indre by the bridge at the Red Mill, +took the ever-blessed punt, and rowed in front of Clochegourde, where +a brilliant light was streaming from a window looking towards Azay. + +Again I plunged into my old meditations; but they were now peaceful, +intermingled with the love-note of the nightingale and the solitary +cry of the sedge-warbler. Ideas glided like fairies through my mind, +lifting the black veil which had hidden till then the glorious future. +Soul and senses were alike charmed. With what passion my thoughts rose +to her! Again and again I cried, with the repetition of a madman, +"Will she be mine?" During the preceding days the universe had +enlarged to me, but now in a single night I found its centre. On her +my will and my ambition henceforth fastened; I desired to be all in +all to her, that I might heal and fill her lacerated heart. + +Beautiful was that night beneath her windows, amid the murmur of +waters rippling through the sluices, broken only by a voice that told +the hours from the clock-tower of Sache. During those hours of +darkness bathed in light, when this sidereal flower illumined my +existence, I betrothed to her my soul with the faith of the poor +Castilian knight whom we laugh at in the pages of Cervantes,--a faith, +nevertheless, with which all love begins. + +At the first gleam of day, the first note of the waking birds, I fled +back among the trees of Frapesle and reached the house; no one had +seen me, no one suspected by absence, and I slept soundly until the +bell rang for breakfast. When the meal was over I went down, in spite +of the heat, to the meadow-lands for another sight of the Indre and +its isles, the valley and its slopes, of which I seemed so passionate +an admirer. But once there, thanks to a swiftness of foot like that of +a loose horse, I returned to my punt, the willows, and Clochegourde. +All was silent and palpitating, as a landscape is at midday in summer. +The still foliage lay sharply defined on the blue of the sky; the +insects that live by light, the dragon-flies, the cantharides, were +flying among the reeds and the ash-trees; cattle chewed the cud in the +shade, the ruddy earth of the vineyards glowed, the adders glided up +and down the banks. What a change in the sparkling and coquettish +landscape while I slept! I sprang suddenly from the boat and ran up +the road which went round Clochegourde for I fancied that I saw the +count coming out. I was not mistaken; he was walking beside the hedge, +evidently making for a gate on the road to Azay which followed the +bank of the river. + +"How are you this morning, Monsieur le comte?" + +He looked at me pleasantly, not being used to hear himself thus +addressed. + +"Quite well," he answered. "You must love the country, to be rambling +about in this heat!" + +"I was sent here to live in the open air." + +"Then what do you say to coming with me to see them cut my rye?" + +"Gladly," I replied. "I'll own to you that my ignorance is past +belief; I don't know rye from wheat, nor a poplar from an aspen; I +know nothing of farming, nor of the various methods of cultivating the +soil." + +"Well, come and learn," he cried gaily, returning upon his steps. +"Come in by the little gate above." + +The count walked back along the hedge, he being within it and I +without. + +"You will learn nothing from Monsieur de Chessel," he remarked; "he is +altogether too fine a gentleman to do more than receive the reports of +his bailiff." + +The count then showed me his yards and the farm buildings, the +pleasure-grounds, orchards, vineyards, and kitchen garden, until we +finally came to the long alley of acacias and ailanthus beside the +river, at the end of which I saw Madame de Mortsauf sitting on a +bench, with her children. A woman is very lovely under the light and +quivering shade of such foliage. Surprised, perhaps, at my prompt +visit, she did not move, knowing very well that we should go to her. +The count made me admire the view of the valley, which at this point +is totally different from that seen from the heights above. Here I +might have thought myself in a corner of Switzerland. The meadows, +furrowed with little brooks which flow into the Indre, can be seen to +their full extent till lost in the misty distance. Towards Montbazon +the eye ranges over a vast green plain; in all other directions it is +stopped by hills, by masses of trees, and rocks. We quickened our +steps as we approached Madame de Mortsauf, who suddenly dropped the +book in which Madeleine was reading to her and took Jacques upon her +knees, in the paroxysms of a violent cough. + +"What's the matter?" cried the count, turning livid. + +"A sore throat," answered the mother, who seemed not to see me; "but +it is nothing serious." + +She was holding the child by the head and body, and her eyes seemed to +shed two rays of life into the poor frail creature. + +"You are so extraordinarily imprudent," said the count, sharply; "you +expose him to the river damps and let him sit on a stone bench." + +"Why, papa, the stone is burning hot," cried Madeleine. + +"They were suffocating higher up," said the countess. + +"Women always want to prove they are right," said the count, turning +to me. + +To avoid agreeing or disagreeing with him by word or look I watched +Jacques, who complained of his throat. His mother carried him away, +but as she did so she heard her husband say:-- + +"When they have brought such sickly children into the world they ought +to learn how to take care of them." + +Words that were cruelly unjust; but his self-love drove him to defend +himself at the expense of his wife. The countess hurried up the steps +and across the portico, and I saw her disappear through the glass +door. Monsieur de Mortsauf seated himself on the bench, his head bowed +in gloomy silence. My position became annoying; he neither spoke nor +looked at me. Farewell to the walk he had proposed, in the course of +which I had hoped to fathom him. I hardly remember a more unpleasant +moment. Ought I to go away, or should I not go? How many painful +thoughts must have arisen in his mind, to make him forget to follow +Jacques and learn how he was! At last however he rose abruptly and +came towards me. We both turned and looked at the smiling valley. + +"We will put off our walk to another day, Monsieur le comte," I said +gently. + +"No, let us go," he replied. "Unfortunately, I am accustomed to such +scenes--I, who would give my life without the slightest regret to save +that of the child." + +"Jacques is better, my dear; he has gone to sleep," said a golden +voice. Madame de Mortsauf suddenly appeared at the end of the path. +She came forward, without bitterness or ill-will, and bowed to me. + +"I am glad to see that you like Clochegourde," she said. + +"My dear, should you like me to ride over and fetch Monsieur +Deslandes?" said the count, as if wishing her to forgive his +injustice. + +"Don't be worried," she said. "Jacques did not sleep last night, +that's all. The child is very nervous; he had a bad dream, and I told +him stories all night to keep him quiet. His cough is purely nervous; +I have stilled it with a lozenge, and he has gone to sleep." + +"Poor woman!" said her husband, taking her hand in his and giving her +a tearful look, "I knew nothing of it." + +"Why should you be troubled when there is no occasion?" she replied. +"Now go and attend to the rye. You know if you are not there the men +will let the gleaners of the other villages get into the field before +the sheaves are carried away." + +"I am going to take a first lesson in agriculture, madame," I said to +her. + +"You have a very good master," she replied, motioning towards the +count, whose mouth screwed itself into that smile of satisfaction +which is vulgarly termed a "bouche en coeur." + +Two months later I learned she had passed that night in great anxiety, +fearing that her son had the croup; while I was in the boat, rocked by +thoughts of love, imagined that she might see me from her window +adoring the gleam of the candle which was then lighting a forehead +furrowed by fears! The croup prevailed at Tours, and was often fatal. +When we were outside the gate, the count said in a voice of emotion, +"Madame de Mortsauf is an angel!" The words staggered me. As yet I +knew but little of the family, and the natural conscience of a young +soul made me exclaim inwardly: "What right have I to trouble this +perfect peace?" + +Glad to find a listener in a young man over whom he could lord it so +easily, the count talked to me of the future which the return of the +Bourbons would secure to France. We had a desultory conversation, in +which I listened to much childish nonsense which positively amazed me. +He was ignorant of facts susceptible of proof that might be called +geometric; he feared persons of education; he rejected superiority, +and scoffed, perhaps with some reason, at progress. I discovered in +his nature a number of sensitive fibres which it required the utmost +caution not to wound; so that a conversation with him of any length +was a positive strain upon the mind. When I had, as it were, felt of +his defects, I conformed to them with the same suppleness that his +wife showed in soothing him. Later in life I should certainly have +made him angry, but now, humble as a child, supposing that I knew +nothing and believing that men in their prime knew all, I was +genuinely amazed at the results obtained at Clochegourde by this +patient agriculturist. I listened admiringly to his plans; and with an +involuntary flattery which won his good-will, I envied him the estate +and its outlook--a terrestrial paradise, I called it, far superior to +Frapesle. + +"Frapesle," I said, "is a massive piece of plate, but Clochegourde is +a jewel-case of gems,"--a speech which he often quoted, giving credit +to its author. + +"Before we came here," he said, "it was desolation itself." + +I was all ears when he told of his seed-fields and nurseries. New to +country life, I besieged him with questions about prices, means of +preparing and working the soil, etc., and he seemed glad to answer all +in detail. + +"What in the world do they teach you in your colleges?" he exclaimed +at last in astonishment. + +On this first day the count said to his wife when he reached home, +"Monsieur Felix is a charming young man." + +That evening I wrote to my mother and asked her to send my clothes and +linen, saying that I should remain at Frapesle. Ignorant of the great +revolution which was just taking place, and not perceiving the +influence it was to have upon my fate, I expected to return to Paris +to resume my legal studies. The Law School did not open till the first +week in November; meantime I had two months and a half before me. + +The first part of my stay, while I studied to understand the count, +was a period of painful impressions to me. I found him a man of +extreme irascibility without adequate cause; hasty in action in +hazardous cases to a degree that alarmed me. Sometimes he showed +glimpses of the brave gentleman of Conde's army, parabolic flashes of +will such as may, in times of emergency, tear through politics like +bomb-shells, and may also, by virtue of honesty and courage, make a +man condemned to live buried on his property an Elbee, a Bonchamp, or +a Charette. In presence of certain ideas his nostril contracted, his +forehead cleared, and his eyes shot lightnings, which were soon +quenched. Sometimes I feared he might detect the language of my eyes +and kill me. I was young then and merely tender. Will, that force that +alters men so strangely, had scarcely dawned within me. My passionate +desires shook me with an emotion that was like the throes of fear. +Death I feared not, but I would not die until I knew the happiness of +mutual love--But how tell of what I felt! I was a prey to perplexity; +I hoped for some fortunate chance; I watched; I made the children love +me; I tried to identify myself with the family. + +Little by little the count restrained himself less in my presence. I +came to know his sudden outbreaks of temper, his deep and ceaseless +melancholy, his flashes of brutality, his bitter, cutting complaints, +his cold hatreds, his impulses of latent madness, his childish moans, +his cries of a man's despair, his unexpected fury. The moral nature +differs from the physical nature inasmuch as nothing is absolute in +it. The force of effects is in direct proportion to the characters or +the ideas which are grouped around some fact. My position at +Clochegourde, my future life, depended on this one eccentric will. + +I cannot describe to you the distress that filled my soul (as quick in +those days to expand as to contract), whenever I entered Clochegourde, +and asked myself, "How will he receive me?" With what anxiety of heart +I saw the clouds collecting on that stormy brow. I lived in a +perpetual "qui-vive." I fell under the dominion of that man; and the +sufferings I endured taught me to understand those of Madame de +Mortsauf. We began by exchanging looks of comprehension; tried by the +same fire, how many discoveries I made during those first forty days! +--of actual bitterness, of tacit joys, of hopes alternately submerged +and buoyant. One evening I found her pensively watching a sunset which +reddened the summits with so ravishing a glow that it was impossible +not to listen to that voice of the eternal Song of Songs by which +Nature herself bids all her creatures love. Did the lost illusions of +her girlhood return to her? Did the woman suffer from an inward +comparison? I fancied I perceived a desolation in her attitude that +was favorable to my first appeal, and I said, "Some days are hard to +bear." + +"You read my soul," she answered; "but how have you done so?" + +"We touch at many points," I replied. "Surely we belong to the small +number of human beings born to the highest joys and the deepest +sorrows; whose feeling qualities vibrate in unison and echo each other +inwardly; whose sensitive natures are in harmony with the principle of +things. Put such beings among surroundings where all is discord and +they suffer horribly, just as their happiness mounts to exaltation +when they meet ideas, or feelings, or other beings who are congenial +to them. But there is still a third condition, where sorrows are known +only to souls affected by the same distress; in this alone is the +highest fraternal comprehension. It may happen that such souls find no +outlet either for good or evil. Then the organ within us endowed with +expression and motion is exercised in a void, expends its passion +without an object, utters sounds without melody, and cries that are +lost in solitude,--terrible defeat of a soul which revolts against the +inutility of nothingness. These are struggles in which our strength +oozes away without restraint, as blood from an inward wound. The +sensibilities flow to waste and the result is a horrible weakening of +the soul; an indescribable melancholy for which the confessional +itself has no ears. Have I not expressed our mutual sufferings?" + +She shuddered, and then without removing her eyes from the setting +sun, she said, "How is it that, young as you are, you know these +things? Were you once a woman?" + +"Ah!" I replied, "my childhood was like a long illness--" + +"I hear Madeleine coughing," she cried, leaving me abruptly. + +The countess showed no displeasure at my constant visits, and for two +reasons. In the first place she was pure as a child, and her thoughts +wandered into no forbidden regions; in the next I amused the count and +made a sop for that lion without claws or mane. I found an excuse for +my visits which seemed plausible to every one. Monsieur de Mortsauf +proposed to teach me backgammon, and I accepted; as I did so the +countess was betrayed into a look of compassion, which seemed to say, +"You are flinging yourself into the jaws of the lion." If I did not +understand this at the time, three days had not passed before I knew +what I had undertaken. My patience, which nothing exhausts, the fruit +of my miserable childhood, ripened under this last trial. The count +was delighted when he could jeer at me for not putting in practice the +principles or the rules he had explained; if I reflected before I +played he complained of my slowness; if I played fast he was angry +because I hurried him; if I forgot to mark my points he declared, +making his profit out of the mistake, that I was always too rapid. It +was like the tyranny of a schoolmaster, the despotism of the rod, of +which I can really give you no idea unless I compare myself to +Epictetus under the yoke of a malicious child. When we played for +money his winnings gave him the meanest and most abject delight. + +A word from his wife was enough to console me, and it frequently +recalled him to a sense of politeness and good-breeding. But before +long I fell into the furnace of an unexpected misery. My money was +disappearing under these losses. Though the count was always present +during my visits until I left the house, which was sometimes very +late, I cherished the hope of finding some moment when I might say a +word that would reach my idol's heart; but to obtain that moment, for +which I watched and waited with a hunter's painful patience, I was +forced to continue these weary games, during which my feelings were +lacerated and my money lost. Still, there were moments when we were +silent, she and I, looking at the sunlight on the meadows, the clouds +in a gray sky, the misty hills, or the quivering of the moon on the +sandbanks of the river; saying only, "Night is beautiful!" + +"Night is woman, madame." + +"What tranquillity!" + +"Yes, no one can be absolutely wretched here." + +Then she would return to her embroidery frame. I came at last to hear +the inward beatings of an affection which sought its object. But the +fact remained--without money, farewell to these evenings. I wrote to +my mother to send me some. She scolded me and sent only enough to last +a week. Where could I get more? My life depended on it. Thus it +happened that in the dawn of my first great happiness I found the same +sufferings that assailed me elsewhere; but in Paris, at college, at +school I evaded them by abstinence; there my privations were negative, +at Frapesle they were active; so active that I was possessed by the +impulse to theft, by visions of crime, furious desperations which rend +the soul and must be subdued under pain of losing our self-respect. +The memory of what I suffered through my mother's parsimony taught me +that indulgence for young men which one who has stood upon the brink +of the abyss and measured its depths, without falling into them, must +inevitably feel. Though my own rectitude was strengthened by those +moments when life opened and let me see the rocks and quicksands +beneath the surface, I have never known that terrible thing called +human justice draw its blade through the throat of a criminal without +saying to myself: "Penal laws are made by men who have never known +misery." + +At this crisis I happened to find a treatise on backgammon in Monsieur +de Chessel's library, and I studied it. My host was kind enough to +give me a few lessons; less harshly taught by the count I made good +progress and applied the rules and calculations I knew by heart. +Within a few days I was able to beat Monsieur de Mortsauf; but no +sooner had I done so and won his money for the first time than his +temper became intolerable; his eyes glittered like those of tigers, +his face shrivelled, his brows knit as I never saw brows knit before +or since. His complainings were those of a fretful child. Sometimes he +flung down the dice, quivered with rage, bit the dice-box, and said +insulting things to me. Such violence, however, came to an end. When I +had acquired enough mastery of the game I played it to suit me; I so +managed that we were nearly equal up to the last moment; I allowed him +to win the first half and made matters even during the last half. The +end of the world would have surprised him less than the rapid +superiority of his pupil; but he never admitted it. The unvarying +result of our games was a topic of discourse on which he fastened. + +"My poor head," he would say, "is fatigued; you manage to win the last +of the game because by that time I lose my skill." + +The countess, who knew backgammon, understood my manoeuvres from the +first, and gave me those mute thanks which swell the heart of a young +man; she granted me the same look she gave to her children. From that +ever-blessed evening she always looked at me when she spoke. I cannot +explain to you the condition I was in when I left her. My soul had +annihilated my body; it weighed nothing; I did not walk, I flew. That +look I carried within me; it bathed me with light just as her last +words, "Adieu, monsieur," still sounded in my soul with the harmonies +of "O filii, o filioe" in the paschal choir. I was born into a new +life, I was something to her! I slept on purple and fine linen. Flames +darted before my closed eyelids, chasing each other in the darkness +like threads of fire in the ashes of burned paper. In my dreams her +voice became, though I cannot describe it, palpable, an atmosphere of +light and fragrance wrapping me, a melody enfolding my spirit. On the +morrow her greeting expressed the fulness of feelings that remained +unuttered, and from that moment I was initiated into the secrets of +her voice. + +That day was to be one of the most decisive of my life. After dinner +we walked on the heights across a barren plain where no herbage grew; +the ground was stony, arid, and without vegetable soil of any kind; +nevertheless a few scrub oaks and thorny bushes straggled there, and +in place of grass, a carpet of crimped mosses, illuminated by the +setting sun and so dry that our feet slipped upon it. I held Madeleine +by the hand to keep her up. Madame de Mortsauf was leading Jacques. +The count, who was in front, suddenly turned round and striking the +earth with his cane said to me in a dreadful tone: "Such is my life!-- +but before I knew you," he added with a look of penitence at his wife. +The reparation was tardy, for the countess had turned pale; what woman +would not have staggered as she did under the blow? + +"But what delightful scenes are wafted here, and what a view of the +sunset!" I cried. "For my part I should like to own this barren moor; +I fancy there may be treasures if we dig for them. But its greatest +wealth is that of being near you. Who would not pay a great cost for +such a view?--all harmony to the eye, with that winding river where +the soul may bathe among the ash-trees and the alders. See the +difference of taste! To you this spot of earth is a barren waste; to +me, it is paradise." + +She thanked me with a look. + +"Bucolics!" exclaimed the count, with a bitter look. "This is no life +for a man who bears your name." Then he suddenly changed his tone-- +"The bells!" he cried, "don't you hear the bells of Azay? I hear them +ringing." + +Madame de Mortsauf gave me a frightened look. Madeleine clung to my +hand. + +"Suppose we play a game of backgammon?" I said. "Let us go back; the +rattle of the dice will drown the sound of the bells." + +We returned to Clochegourde, conversing by fits and starts. Once in +the salon an indefinable uncertainty and dread took possession of us. +The count flung himself into an armchair, absorbed in reverie, which +his wife, who knew the symptoms of his malady and could foresee an +outbreak, was careful not to interrupt. I also kept silence. As she +gave me no hint to leave, perhaps she thought backgammon might divert +the count's mind and quiet those fatal nervous susceptibilities, the +excitements of which were killing him. Nothing was ever harder than to +make him play that game, which, however, he had a great desire to +play. Like a pretty woman, he always required to be coaxed, entreated, +forced, so that he might not seem the obliged person. If by chance, +being interested in the conversation, I forgot to propose it, he grew +sulky, bitter, insulting, and spoiled the talk by contradicting +everything. If, warned by his ill-humor, I suggested a game, he would +dally and demur. "In the first place, it is too late," he would say; +"besides, I don't care for it." Then followed a series of affectations +like those of women, which often leave you in ignorance of their real +wishes. + +On this occasion I pretended a wild gaiety to induce him to play. He +complained of giddiness which hindered him from calculating; his +brain, he said, was squeezed into a vice; he heard noises, he was +choking; and thereupon he sighed heavily. At last, however, he +consented to the game. Madame de Mortsauf left us to put the children +to bed and lead the household in family prayers. All went well during +her absence; I allowed Monsieur de Mortsauf to win, and his delight +seemed to put him beside himself. This sudden change from a gloom that +led him to make the darkest predictions to the wild joy of a drunken +man, expressed in a crazy laugh and without any adequate motive, +distressed and alarmed me. I had never seen him in quite so marked a +paroxysm. Our intimacy had borne fruits in the fact that he no longer +restrained himself before me. Day by day he had endeavored to bring me +under his tyranny, and obtain fresh food, as it were, for his evil +temper; for it really seems as though moral diseases were creatures +with appetites and instincts, seeking to enlarge the boundaries of +their empire as a landowner seeks to increase his domain. + +Presently the countess came down, and sat close to the backgammon +table, apparently for better light on her embroidery, though the +anxiety which led her to place her frame was ill-concealed. A piece of +fatal ill-luck which I could not prevent changed the count's face; +from gaiety it fell to gloom, from purple it became yellow, and his +eyes rolled. Then followed worse ill-luck, which I could neither avert +nor repair. Monsieur de Mortsauf made a fatal throw which decided the +game. Instantly he sprang up, flung the table at me and the lamp on +the floor, struck the chimney-piece with his fist and jumped, for I +cannot say he walked, about the room. The torrent of insults, +imprecations, and incoherent words which rushed from his lips would +have made an observer think of the old tales of satanic possession in +the Middle Ages. Imagine my position! + +"Go into the garden," said the countess, pressing my hand. + +I left the room before the count could notice my disappearance. On the +terrace, where I slowly walked about, I heard his shouts and then his +moans from the bedroom which adjoined the dining-room. Also I heard at +intervals through that tempest of sound the voice of an angel, which +rose like the song of a nightingale as the rain ceases. I walked about +under the acacias in the loveliest night of the month of August, +waiting for the countess to join me. I knew she would come; her +gesture promised it. For several days an explanation seemed to float +between us; a word would suffice to send it gushing from the spring, +overfull, in our souls. What timidity had thus far delayed a perfect +understanding between us? Perhaps she loved, as I did, these +quiverings of the spirit which resembled emotions of fear and numbed +the sensibilities while we held our life unuttered within us, +hesitating to unveil its secrets with the modesty of the young girl +before the husband she loves. An hour passed. I was sitting on the +brick balustrade when the sound of her footsteps blending with the +undulating ripple of her flowing gown stirred the calm air of the +night. These are sensations to which the heart suffices not. + +"Monsieur de Mortsauf is sleeping," she said. "When he is thus I give +him an infusion of poppies, a cup of water in which a few poppies have +been steeped; the attacks are so infrequent that this simple remedy +never loses its effect--Monsieur," she continued, changing her tone +and using the most persuasive inflexion of her voice, "this most +unfortunate accident has revealed to you a secret which has hitherto +been sedulously kept; promise me to bury the recollection of that +scene. Do this for my sake, I beg of you. I don't ask you to swear it; +give me your word of honor and I shall be content." + +"Need I give it to you?" I said. "Do we not understand each other?" + +"You must not judge unfavorably of Monsieur de Mortsauf; you see the +effects of his many sufferings under the emigration," she went on. +"To-morrow he will entirely forget all that he has said and done; you +will find him kind and excellent as ever." + +"Do not seek to excuse him, madame," I replied. "I will do all you +wish. I would fling myself into the Indre at this moment if I could +restore Monsieur de Mortsauf's health and ensure you a happy life. The +only thing I cannot change is my opinion. I can give you my life, but +not my convictions; I can pay no heed to what he says, but can I +hinder him from saying it? No, in my opinion Monsieur de Mortsauf +is--" + +"I understand you," she said, hastily interrupting me; "you are right. +The count is as nervous as a fashionable woman," she added, as if to +conceal the idea of madness by softening the word. "But he is only so +at intervals, once a year, when the weather is very hot. Ah, what +evils have resulted from the emigration! How many fine lives ruined! +He would have been, I am sure of it, a great soldier, an honor to his +country--" + +"I know," I said, interrupting in my turn to let her see that it was +useless to attempt to deceive me. + +She stopped, laid one hand lightly on my brow, and looked at me. "Who +has sent you here," she said, "into this home? Has God sent me help, a +true friendship to support me?" She paused, then added, as she laid +her hand firmly upon mine, "For you are good and generous--" She +raised her eyes to heaven, as if to invoke some invisible testimony to +confirm her thought, and then let them rest upon me. Electrified by +the look, which cast a soul into my soul, I was guilty, judging by +social laws, of a want of tact, though in certain natures such +indelicacy really means a brave desire to meet danger, to avert a +blow, to arrest an evil before it happens; oftener still, an abrupt +call upon a heart, a blow given to learn if it resounds in unison with +ours. Many thoughts rose like gleams within my mind and bade me wash +out the stain that blotted my conscience at this moment when I was +seeking a complete understanding. + +"Before we say more," I said in a voice shaken by the throbbings of my +heart, which could be heard in the deep silence that surrounded us, +"suffer me to purify one memory of the past." + +"Hush!" she said quickly, touching my lips with a finger which she +instantly removed. She looked at me haughtily, with the glance of a +woman who knows herself too exalted for insult to reach her. "Be +silent; I know of what you are about to speak,--the first, the last, +the only outrage ever offered to me. Never speak to me of that ball. +If as a Christian I have forgiven you, as a woman I still suffer from +your act." + +"You are more pitiless than God himself," I said, forcing back the +tears that came into my eyes. + +"I ought to be so, I am more feeble," she replied. + +"But," I continued with the persistence of a child, "listen to me now +if only for the first, the last, the only time in your life." + +"Speak, then," she said; "speak, or you will think I dare not hear +you." + +Feeling that this was the turning moment of our lives, I spoke to her +in the tone that commands attention; I told her that all women whom I +had ever seen were nothing to me; but when I met her, I, whose life +was studious, whose nature was not bold, I had been, as it were, +possessed by a frenzy that no one who once felt it could condemn; that +never heart of man had been so filled with the passion which no being +can resist, which conquers all things, even death-- + +"And contempt?" she asked, stopping me. + +"Did you despise me?" I exclaimed. + +"Let us say no more on this subject," she replied. + +"No, let me say all!" I replied, in the excitement of my intolerable +pain. "It concerns my life, my whole being, my inward self; it +contains a secret you must know or I must die in despair. It also +concerns you, who, unawares, are the lady in whose hand is the crown +promised to the victor in the tournament!" + +Then I related to her my childhood and youth, not as I have told it to +you, judged from a distance, but in the language of a young man whose +wounds are still bleeding. My voice was like the axe of a woodsman in +the forest. At every word the dead years fell with echoing sound, +bristling with their anguish like branches robbed of their foliage. I +described to her in feverish language many cruel details which I have +here spared you. I spread before her the treasure of my radiant hopes, +the virgin gold of my desires, the whole of a burning heart kept alive +beneath the snow of these Alps, piled higher and higher by perpetual +winter. When, bowed down by the weight of these remembered sufferings, +related as with the live coal of Isaiah, I awaited the reply of the +woman who listened with a bowed head, she illumined the darkness with +a look, she quickened the worlds terrestrial and divine with a single +sentence. + +"We have had the same childhood!" she said, turning to me a face on +which the halo of the martyrs shone. + +After a pause, in which our souls were wedded in the one consoling +thought, "I am not alone in suffering," the countess told me, in the +voice she kept for her little ones, how unwelcome she was as a girl +when sons were wanted. She showed me how her troubles as a daughter +bound to her mother's side differed from those of a boy cast out upon +the world of school and college life. My desolate neglect seemed to me +a paradise compared to that contact with a millstone under which her +soul was ground until the day when her good aunt, her true mother, had +saved her from this misery, the ever-recurring pain of which she now +related to me; misery caused sometimes by incessant faultfinding, +always intolerable to high-strung natures which do not shrink before +death itself but die beneath the sword of Damocles; sometimes by the +crushing of generous impulses beneath an icy hand, by the cold +rebuffal of her kisses, by a stern command of silence, first imposed +and then as often blamed; by inward tears that dared not flow but +stayed within the heart; in short, by all the bitterness and tyranny +of convent rule, hidden to the eyes of the world under the appearance +of an exalted motherly devotion. She gratified her mother's vanity +before strangers, but she dearly paid in private for this homage. +When, believing that by obedience and gentleness she had softened her +mother's heart, she opened hers, the tyrant only armed herself with +the girl's confidence. No spy was ever more traitorous and base. All +the pleasures of girlhood, even her fete days, were dearly purchased, +for she was scolded for her gaiety as much as for her faults. No +teaching and no training for her position had been given in love, +always with sarcastic irony. She was not angry against her mother; in +fact she blamed herself for feeling more terror than love for her. +"Perhaps," she said, dear angel, "these severities were needful; they +had certainly prepared her for her present life." As I listened it +seemed to me that the harp of Job, from which I had drawn such savage +sounds, now touched by the Christian fingers gave forth the litanies +of the Virgin at the foot of the cross. + +"We lived in the same sphere before we met in this," I said; "you +coming from the east, I from the west." + +She shook her head with a gesture of despair. + +"To you the east, to me the west," she replied. "You will live happy, +I must die of pain. Life is what we make of it, and mine is made +forever. No power can break the heavy chain to which a woman is +fastened by this ring of gold--the emblem of a wife's purity." + +We knew we were twins of one womb; she never dreamed of a half- +confidence between brothers of the same blood. After a short sigh, +natural to pure hearts when they first open to each other, she told me +of her first married life, her deceptions and disillusions, the +rebirth of her childhood's misery. Like me, she had suffered under +trifles; mighty to souls whose limpid substance quivers to the least +shock, as a lake quivers on the surface and to its utmost depths when +a stone is flung into it. When she married she possessed some girlish +savings; a little gold, the fruit of happy hours and repressed +fancies. These, in a moment when they were needed, she gave to her +husband, not telling him they were gifts and savings of her own. He +took no account of them, and never regarded himself her debtor. She +did not even obtain the glance of thanks that would have paid for all. +Ah! how she went from trial to trial! Monsieur de Mortsauf habitually +neglected to give her money for the household. When, after a struggle +with her timidity, she asked him for it, he seemed surprised and never +once spared her the mortification of petitioning for necessities. What +terror filled her mind when the real nature of the ruined man's +disease was revealed to her, and she quailed under the first outbreak +of his mad anger! What bitter reflections she had made before she +brought herself to admit that her husband was a wreck! What horrible +calamities had come of her bearing children! What anguish she felt at +the sight of those infants born almost dead! With what courage had she +said in her heart: "I will breathe the breath of life into them; I +will bear them anew day by day!" Then conceive the bitterness of +finding her greatest obstacle in the heart and hand from which a wife +should draw her greatest succor! She saw the untold disaster that +threatened him. As each difficulty was conquered, new deserts opened +before her, until the day when she thoroughly understood her husband's +condition, the constitution of her children, and the character of the +neighborhood in which she lived; a day when (like the child taken by +Napoleon from a tender home) she taught her feet to trample through +mud and snow, she trained her nerves to bullets and all her being to +the passive obedience of a soldier. + +These things, of which I here make a summary, she told me in all their +dark extent, with every piteous detail of conjugal battles lost and +fruitless struggles. + +"You would have to live here many months," she said, in conclusion, +"to understand what difficulties I have met with in improving +Clochegourde; what persuasions I have had to use to make him do a +thing which was most important to his interests. You cannot imagine +the childish glee he has shown when anything that I advised was not at +once successful. All that turned out well he claimed for himself. Yes, +I need an infinite patience to bear his complaints when I am half- +exhausted in the effort to amuse his weary hours, to sweeten his life +and smooth the paths which he himself has strewn with stones. The +reward he gives me is that awful cry: 'Let me die, life is a burden to +me!' When visitors are here and he enjoys them, he forgets his gloom +and is courteous and polite. You ask me why he cannot be so to his +family. I cannot explain that want of loyalty in a man who is truly +chivalrous. He is quite capable of riding at full speed to Paris to +buy me a set of ornaments, as he did the other day before the ball. +Miserly in his household, he would be lavish upon me if I wished it. I +would it were reversed; I need nothing for myself, but the wants of +the household are many. In my strong desire to make him happy, and not +reflecting that I might be a mother, I began my married life by +letting him treat me as a victim, I, who at that time by using a few +caresses could have led him like a child--but I was unable to play a +part I should have thought disgraceful. Now, however, the welfare of +my family requires me to be as calm and stern as the figure of Justice +--and yet, I too have a heart that overflows with tenderness." + +"But why," I said, "do you not use this great influence to master him +and govern him?" + +"If it concerned myself only I should not attempt either to overcome +the dogged silence with which for days together he meets my arguments, +nor to answer his irrational remarks, his childish reasons. I have no +courage against weakness, any more than I have against childhood; they +may strike me as they will, I cannot resist. Perhaps I might meet +strength with strength, but I am powerless against those I pity. If I +were required to coerce Madeleine in some matter that would save her +life, I should die with her. Pity relaxes all my fibres and unstrings +my nerves. So it is that the violent shocks of the last ten years have +broken me down; my feelings, so often battered, are numb at times; +nothing can revive them; even the courage with which I once faced my +troubles begins to fail me. Yes, sometimes I am beaten. For want of +rest--I mean repose--and sea-baths by which to recover my nervous +strength, I shall perish. Monsieur de Mortsauf will have killed me, +and he will die of my death." + +"Why not leave Clochegourde for a few months? Surely you could take +your children and go to the seashore." + +"In the first place, Monsieur de Mortsauf would think he were lost if +I left him. Though he will not admit his condition he is well aware of +it. He is both sane and mad, two natures in one man, a contradiction +which explains many an irrational action. Besides this, he would have +good reason for objecting. Nothing would go right here if I were +absent. You may have seen in me the mother of a family watchful to +protect her young from the hawk that is hovering over them; a weighty +task, indeed, but harder still are the cares imposed upon me by +Monsieur de Mortsauf, whose constant cry, as he follows me about is, +'Where is Madame?' I am Jacques' tutor and Madeleine's governess; but +that is not all, I am bailiff and steward too. You will understand +what that means when you come to see, as you will, that the working of +an estate in these parts is the most fatiguing of all employments. We +get small returns in money; the farms are cultivated on shares, a +system which needs the closest supervision. We are obliged ourselves +to sell our own produce, our cattle and harvests of all kinds. Our +competitors in the markets are our own farmers, who meet consumers in +the wine-shops and determine prices by selling first. I should weary +you if I explained the many difficulties of agriculture in this +region. No matter what care I give to it, I cannot always prevent our +tenants from putting our manure upon their ground, I cannot be ever on +the watch lest they take advantage of us in the division of the crops; +neither can I always know the exact moment when sales should be made. +So, if you think of Monsieur de Mortsauf's defective memory, and the +difficulty you have seen me have in persuading him to attend to +business, you can understand the burden that is on my shoulders, and +the impossibility of my laying it down for a single day. If I were +absent we should be ruined. No one would obey Monsieur de Mortsauf. In +the first place his orders are conflicting; then no one likes him; he +finds incessant fault, and he is very domineering. Moreover, like all +men of feeble mind, he listens too readily to his inferiors. If I left +the house not a servant would be in it in a week's time. So you see I +am attached to Clochegourde as those leaden finals are to our roof. I +have no reserves with you. The whole country-side is still ignorant of +the secrets of this house, but you know them, you have seen them. Say +nothing but what is kind and friendly, and you shall have my esteem-- +my gratitude," she added in a softer voice. "On those terms you are +welcome at Clochegourde, where you will find friends." + +"Ah!" I exclaimed, "I see that I have never really suffered, while +you--" + +"No, no!" she exclaimed, with a smile, that smile of all resigned +women which might melt a granite rock. "Do not be astonished at my +frank confidence; it shows you life as it is, not as your imagination +pictures it. We all have our defects and our good qualities. If I had +married a spendthrift he would have ruined me. If I had given myself +to an ardent and pleasure-loving young man, perhaps I could not have +retained him; he might have left me, and I should have died of +jealousy. For I am jealous!" she said, in a tone of excitement, which +was like the thunderclap of a passing storm. "But Monsieur de Mortsauf +loves me as much as he is capable of loving; all that his heart +contains of affection he pours at my feet, like the Magdalen's cup of +ointment. Believe me, a life of love is an exception to the laws of +this earth; all flowers fade; great joys and emotions have a morrow of +evil--if a morrow at all. Real life is a life of anguish; its image is +in that nettle growing there at the foot of the wall,--no sun can +reach it and it keeps green. Yet, here, as in parts of the North, +there are smiles in the sky, few to be sure, but they compensate for +many a grief. Moreover, women who are naturally mothers live and love +far more through sacrifices than through pleasures. Here I draw upon +myself the storms I fear may break upon my children or my people; and +in doing so I feel a something I cannot explain, which gives me secret +courage. The resignation of the night carries me through the day that +follows. God does not leave me comfortless. Time was when the +condition of my children filled me with despair; to-day as they +advance in life they grow healthier and stronger. And then, after all, +our home is improved and beautified, our means are improving also. Who +knows but Monsieur de Mortsauf's old age may be a blessing to me? Ah, +believe me! those who stand before the Great Judge with palms in their +hands, leading comforted to Him the beings who cursed their lives, +they, they have turned their sorrows into joy. If my sufferings bring +about the happiness of my family, are they sufferings at all?" + +"Yes," I said, "they are; but they were necessary, as mine have been, +to make us understand the true flavor of the fruit that has ripened on +our rocks. Now, surely, we shall taste it together; surely we may +admire its wonders, the sweetness of affection it has poured into our +souls, that inward sap which revives the searing leaves--Good God! do +you not understand me?" I cried, falling into the mystical language to +which our religious training had accustomed us. "See the paths by +which we have approached each other; what magnet led us through that +ocean of bitterness to these springs of running water, flowing at the +foot of those hills above the shining sands and between their green +and flowery meadows? Have we not followed the same star? We stand +before the cradle of a divine child whose joyous carol will renew the +world for us, teach us through happiness a love of life, give to our +nights their long-lost sleep, and to the days their gladness. What +hand is this that year by year has tied new cords between us? Are we +not more than brother and sister? That which heaven has joined we must +not keep asunder. The sufferings you reveal are the seeds scattered by +the sower for the harvest already ripening in the sunshine. Shall we +not gather it sheaf by sheaf? What strength is in me that I dare +address you thus! Answer, or I will never again recross that river!" + +"You have spared me the word LOVE," she said, in a stern voice, "but +you have spoken of a sentiment of which I know nothing and which is +not permitted to me. You are a child; and again I pardon you, but for +the last time. Endeavor to understand, Monsieur, that my heart is, as +it were, intoxicated with motherhood. I love Monsieur de Mortsauf +neither from social duty nor from a calculated desire to win eternal +blessings, but from an irresistible feeling which fastens all the +fibres of my heart upon him. Was my marriage a mistake? My sympathy +for misfortune led to it. It is the part of women to heal the woes +caused by the march of events, to comfort those who rush into the +breach and return wounded. How shall I make you understand me? I have +felt a selfish pleasure in seeing that you amused him; is not that +pure motherhood? Did I not make you see by what I owned just now, the +THREE children to whom I am bound, to whom I shall never fail, on whom +I strive to shed a healing dew and the light of my own soul without +withdrawing or adulterating a single particle? Do not embitter the +mother's milk! though as a wife I am invulnerable, you must never +again speak thus to me. If you do not respect this command, simple as +it is, the door of this house will be closed to you. I believed in +pure friendship, in a voluntary brotherhood, more real, I thought, +than the brotherhood of blood. I was mistaken. I wanted a friend who +was not a judge, a friend who would listen to me in those moments of +weakness when reproof is killing, a sacred friend from whom I should +have nothing to fear. Youth is noble, truthful, capable of sacrifice, +disinterested; seeing your persistency in coming to us, I believed, +yes, I will admit that I believed in some divine purpose; I thought I +should find a soul that would be mine, as the priest is the soul of +all; a heart in which to pour my troubles when they deluged mine, a +friend to hear my cries when if I continued to smother them they would +strangle me. Could I but have this friend, my life, so precious to +these children, might be prolonged until Jacques had grown to manhood. +But that is selfish! The Laura of Petrarch cannot be lived again. I +must die at my post, like a soldier, friendless. My confessor is +harsh, austere, and--my aunt is dead." + +Two large tears filled her eyes, gleamed in the moonlight, and rolled +down her cheeks; but I stretched my hand in time to catch them, and I +drank them with an avidity excited by her words, by the thought of +those ten years of secret woe, of wasted feelings, of constant care, +of ceaseless dread--years of the lofty heroism of her sex. She looked +at me with gentle stupefaction. + +"It is the first communion of love," I said. "Yes, I am now a sharer +of your sorrows. I am united to your soul as our souls are united to +Christ in the sacrament. To love, even without hope, is happiness. Ah! +what woman on earth could give me a joy equal to that of receiving +your tears! I accept the contract which must end in suffering to +myself. I give myself to you with no ulterior thought. I will be to +you that which you will me to be--" + +She stopped me with a motion of her hand, and said in her deep voice, +"I consent to this agreement if you will promise never to tighten the +bonds which bind us together." + +"Yes," I said; "but the less you grant the more evidence of possession +I ought to have." + +"You begin by distrusting me," she replied, with an expression of +melancholy doubt. + +"No, I speak from pure happiness. Listen; give me a name by which no +one calls you; a name to be ours only, like the feeling which unites +us." + +"That is much to ask," she said, "but I will show you that I am not +petty. Monsieur de Mortsauf calls me Blanche. One only person, the one +I have most loved, my dear aunt, called me Henriette. I will be +Henriette once more, to you." + +I took her hand and kissed it. She left it in mine with the +trustfulness that makes a woman so far superior to men; a trustfulness +that shames us. She was leaning on the brick balustrade and gazing at +the river. + +"Are you not unwise, my friend, to rush at a bound to the extremes of +friendship? You have drained the cup, offered in all sincerity, at a +draught. It is true that a real feeling is never piecemeal; it must be +whole, or it does not exist. Monsieur de Mortsauf," she added after a +short silence, "is above all things loyal and brave. Perhaps for my +sake you will forget what he said to you to-day; if he has forgotten +it to-morrow, I will myself tell him what occurred. Do not come to +Clochegourde for a few days; he will respect you more if you do not. +On Sunday, after church, he will go to you. I know him; he will wish +to undo the wrong he did, and he will like you all the better for +treating him as a man who is responsible for his words and actions." + +"Five days without seeing you, without hearing your voice!" + +"Do not put such warmth into your manner of speaking to me," she said. + +We walked twice round the terrace in silence. Then she said, in a tone +of command which proved to me that she had taken possession of my +soul, "It is late; we will part." + +I wished to kiss her hand; she hesitated, then gave it to me, and said +in a voice of entreaty: "Never take it unless I give it to you; leave +me my freedom; if not, I shall be simply a thing of yours, and that +ought not to be." + +"Adieu," I said. + +I went out by the little gate of the lower terrace, which she opened +for me. Just as she was about to close it she opened it again and +offered me her hand, saying: "You have been truly good to me this +evening; you have comforted my whole future; take it, my friend, take +it." + +I kissed her hand again and again, and when I raised my eyes I saw the +tears in hers. She returned to the upper terrace and I watched her for +a moment from the meadow. When I was on the road to Frapesle I again +saw her white robe shimmering in a moonbeam; then, a few moments +later, a light was in her bedroom. + +"Oh, my Henriette!" I cried, "to you I pledge the purest love that +ever shone upon this earth." + +I turned at every step as I regained Frapesle. Ineffable contentment +filled my mind. A way was open for the devotion that swells in all +youthful hearts and which in mine had been so long inert. Like the +priest who by one solemn step enters a new life, my vows were taken; I +was consecrated. A simple "Yes" had bound me to keep my love within my +soul and never to abuse our friendship by leading this woman step by +step to love. All noble feelings were awakened within me, and I heard +the murmur of their voices. Before confining myself within the narrow +walls of a room, I stopped beneath the azure heavens sown with stars, +I listened to the ring-dove plaints of my own heart, I heard again the +simple tones of that ingenuous confidence, I gathered in the air the +emanations of that soul which henceforth must ever seek me. How grand +that woman seemed to me, with her absolute forgetfulness of self, her +religion of mercy to wounded hearts, feeble or suffering, her declared +allegiance to her legal yoke. She was there, serene upon her pyre of +saint and martyr. I adored her face as it shone to me in the darkness. +Suddenly I fancied I perceived a meaning in her words, a mysterious +significance which made her to my eyes sublime. Perhaps she longed +that I should be to her what she was to the little world around her. +Perhaps she sought to draw from me her strength and consolation, +putting me thus within her sphere, her equal, or perhaps above her. +The stars, say some bold builders of the universe, communicate to each +other light and motion. This thought lifted me to ethereal regions. I +entered once more the heaven of my former visions; I found a meaning +for the miseries of my childhood in the illimitable happiness to which +they had led me. + +Spirits quenched by tears, hearts misunderstood, saintly Clarissa +Harlowes forgotten or ignored, children neglected, exiles innocent of +wrong, all ye who enter life through barren ways, on whom men's faces +everywhere look coldly, to whom ears close and hearts are shut, cease +your complaints! You alone can know the infinitude of joy held in that +moment when one heart opens to you, one ear listens, one look answers +yours. A single day effaces all past evil. Sorrow, despondency, +despair, and melancholy, passed but not forgotten, are links by which +the soul then fastens to its mate. Woman falls heir to all our past, +our sighs, our lost illusions, and gives them back to us ennobled; she +explains those former griefs as payment claimed by destiny for joys +eternal, which she brings to us on the day our souls are wedded. The +angels alone can utter the new name by which that sacred love is +called, and none but women, dear martyrs, truly know what Madame de +Mortsauf now became to me--to me, poor and desolate. + + + +CHAPTER II + +FIRST LOVE + +This scene took place on a Tuesday. I waited until Sunday and did not +cross the river. During those five days great events were happening at +Clochegourde. The count received his brevet as general of brigade, the +cross of Saint Louis, and a pension of four thousand francs. The Duc +de Lenoncourt-Givry, made peer of France, recovered possession of two +forests, resumed his place at court, and his wife regained all her +unsold property, which had been made part of the imperial crown lands. +The Comtesse de Mortsauf thus became an heiress. Her mother had +arrived at Clochegourde, bringing her a hundred thousand francs +economized at Givry, the amount of her dowry, still unpaid and never +asked for by the count in spite of his poverty. In all such matters of +external life the conduct of this man was proudly disinterested. +Adding to this sum his own few savings he was able to buy two +neighboring estates, which would yield him some nine thousand francs a +year. His son would of course succeed to the grandfather's peerage, +and the count now saw his way to entail the estate upon him without +injury to Madeleine, for whom the Duc de Lenoncourt would no doubt +assist in promoting a good marriage. + +These arrangements and this new happiness shed some balm upon the +count's sore mind. The presence of the Duchesse de Lenoncourt at +Clochegourde was a great event to the neighborhood. I reflected +gloomily that she was a great lady, and the thought made me conscious +of the spirit of caste in the daughter which the nobility of her +sentiments had hitherto hidden from me. Who was I--poor, +insignificant, and with no future but my courage and my faculties? I +did not then think of the consequences of the Restoration either for +me or for others. On Sunday morning, from the private chapel where I +sat with Monsieur and Madame de Chessel and the Abbe de Quelus, I cast +an eager glance at another lateral chapel occupied by the duchess and +her daughter, the count and his children. The large straw hat which +hid my idol from me did not tremble, and this unconsciousness of my +presence seemed to bind me to her more than all the past. This noble +Henriette de Lenoncourt, my Henriette, whose life I longed to garland, +was praying earnestly; faith gave to her figure an abandonment, a +prosternation, the attitude of some religious statue, which moved me +to the soul. + +According to village custom, vespers were said soon after mass. Coming +out of church Madame de Chessel naturally proposed to her neighbors to +pass the intermediate time at Frapesle instead of crossing the Indre +and the meadows twice in the great heat. The offer was accepted. +Monsieur de Chessel gave his arm to the duchess, Madame de Chessel +took that of the count. I offered mine to the countess, and felt, for +the first time, that beautiful arm against my side. As we walked from +the church to Frapesle by the woods of Sache, where the light, +filtering down through the foliage, made those pretty patterns on the +path which seem like painted silk, such sensations of pride, such +ideas took possession of me that my heart beat violently. + +"What is the matter?" she said, after walking a little way in a +silence I dared not break. "Your heart beats too fast--" + +"I have heard of your good fortune," I replied, "and, like all others +who love truly, I am beset with vague fears. Will your new dignities +change you and lessen your friendship?" + +"Change me!" she said; "oh, fie! Another such idea and I shall--not +despise you, but forget you forever." + +I looked at her with an ecstasy which should have been contagious. + +"We profit by the new laws which we have neither brought about nor +demanded," she said; "but we are neither place-hunters nor beggars; +besides, as you know very well, neither Monsieur de Mortsauf nor I can +leave Clochegourde. By my advice he has declined the command to which +his rank entitled him at the Maison Rouge. We are quite content that +my father should have the place. This forced modesty," she added with +some bitterness, "has already been of service to our son. The king, to +whose household my father is appointed, said very graciously that he +would show Jacques the favor we were not willing to accept. Jacques' +education, which must now be thought of, is already being discussed. +He will be the representative of two houses, the Lenoncourt and the +Mortsauf families. I can have no ambition except for him, and +therefore my anxieties seem to have increased. Not only must Jacques +live, but he must be made worthy of his name; two necessities which, +as you know, conflict. And then, later, what friend will keep him safe +for me in Paris, where all things are pitfalls for the soul and +dangers for the body? My friend," she said, in a broken voice, "who +could not see upon your brow and in your eyes that you are one who +will inhabit heights? Be some day the guardian and sponsor of our boy. +Go to Paris; if your father and brother will not second you, our +family, above all my mother, who has a genius for the management of +life, will help you. Profit by our influence; you will never be +without support in whatever career you choose; put the strength of +your desires into a noble ambition--" + +"I understand you," I said, interrupting her; "ambition is to be my +mistress. I have no need of that to be wholly yours. No, I will not be +rewarded for my obedience here by receiving favors there. I will go; I +will make my own way; I will rise alone. From you I would accept +everything, from others nothing." + +"Child!" she murmured, ill-concealing a smile of pleasure. + +"Besides, I have taken my vows," I went on. "Thinking over our +situation I am resolved to bind myself to you by ties that never can +be broken." + +She trembled slightly and stopped short to look at me. + +"What do you mean?" she asked, letting the couples who preceded us +walk on, and keeping the children at her side. + +"This," I said; "but first tell me frankly how you wish me to love +you." + +"Love me as my aunt loved me; I gave you her rights when I permitted +you to call me by the name which she chose for her own among my +others." + +"Then I am to love without hope and with an absolute devotion. Well, +yes; I will do for you what some men do for God. I shall feel that you +have asked it. I will enter a seminary and make myself a priest, and +then I will educate your son. Jacques shall be myself in his own form; +political conceptions, thoughts, energy, patience, I will give him +all. In that way I shall live near to you, and my love, enclosed in +religion as a silver image in a crystal shrine, can never be suspected +of evil. You will not have to fear the undisciplined passions which +grasp a man and by which already I have allowed myself to be +vanquished. I will consume my own being in the flame, and I will love +you with a purified love." + +She turned pale and said, hurrying her words: "Felix, do not put +yourself in bonds that might prove an obstacle to our happiness. I +should die of grief for having caused a suicide like that. Child, do +you think despairing love a life's vocation? Wait for life's trials +before you judge of life; I command it. Marry neither the Church nor a +woman; marry not at all,--I forbid it. Remain free. You are twenty-one +years old--My God! can I have mistaken him? I thought two months +sufficed to know some souls." + +"What hope have you?" I cried, with fire in my eyes. + +"My friend, accept our help, rise in life, make your way and your +fortune and you shall know my hope. And," she added, as if she were +whispering a secret, "never release the hand you are holding at this +moment." + +She bent to my ear as she said these words which proved her deep +solicitude for my future. + +"Madeleine!" I exclaimed "never!" + +We were close to a wooden gate which opened into the park of Frapesle; +I still seem to see its ruined posts overgrown with climbing plants +and briers and mosses. Suddenly an idea, that of the count's death, +flashed through my brain, and I said, "I understand you." + +"I am glad of it," she answered in a tone which made me know I had +supposed her capable of a thought that could never be hers. + +Her purity drew tears of admiration from my eyes which the selfishness +of passion made bitter indeed. My mind reacted and I felt that she did +not love me enough even to wish for liberty. So long as love recoils +from a crime it seems to have its limits, and love should be infinite. +A spasm shook my heart. + +"She does not love me," I thought. + +To hide what was in my soul I stooped over Madeleine and kissed her +hair. + +"I am afraid of your mother," I said to the countess presently, to +renew the conversation. + +"So am I," she answered with a gesture full of childlike gaiety. +"Don't forget to call her Madame la duchesse, and to speak to her in +the third person. The young people of the present day have lost these +polite manners; you must learn them; do that for my sake. Besides, it +is such good taste to respect women, no matter what their age may be, +and to recognize social distinctions without disputing them. The +respect shown to established superiority is guarantee for that which +is due to you. Solidarity is the basis of society. Cardinal Della +Rovere and Raffaelle were two powers equally revered. You have sucked +the milk of the Revolution in your academy and your political ideas +may be influenced by it; but as you advance in life you will find that +crude and ill-defined principles of liberty are powerless to create +the happiness of the people. Before considering, as a Lenoncourt, what +an aristocracy ought to be, my common-sense as a woman of the people +tells me that societies can exist only through a hierarchy. You are +now at a turning-point in your life, when you must choose wisely. Be +on our side,--especially now," she added, laughing, "when it +triumphs." + +I was keenly touched by these words, in which the depth of her +political feeling mingled with the warmth of affection,--a combination +which gives to women so great a power of persuasion; they know how to +give to the keenest arguments a tone of feeling. In her desire to +justify all her husband's actions Henriette had foreseen the +criticisms that would rise in my mind as soon as I saw the servile +effects of a courtier's life upon him. Monsieur de Mortsauf, king in +his own castle and surrounded by an historic halo, had, to my eyes, a +certain grandiose dignity. I was therefore greatly astonished at the +distance he placed between the duchess and himself by manners that +were nothing less than obsequious. A slave has his pride and will only +serve the greatest despots. I confess I was humiliated at the +degradation of one before whom I trembled as the power that ruled my +love. This inward repulsion made me understand the martyrdom of women +of generous souls yoked to men whose meannesses they bury daily. +Respect is a safeguard which protects both great and small alike; each +side can hold its own. I was respectful to the duchess because of my +youth; but where others saw only a duchess I saw the mother of my +Henriette, and that gave sanctity to my homage. + +We reached the great court-yard of Frapesle, where we found the +others. The Comte de Mortsauf presented me very gracefully to the +duchess, who examined me with a cold and reserved air. Madame de +Lenoncourt was then a woman fifty-six years of age, wonderfully well +preserved and with grand manners. When I saw the hard blue eyes, the +hollow temples, the thin emaciated face, the erect, imposing figure +slow of movement, and the yellow whiteness of the skin (reproduced +with such brilliancy in the daughter), I recognized the cold type to +which my own mother belonged, as quickly as a mineralogist recognizes +Swedish iron. Her language was that of the old court; she pronounced +the "oit" like "ait," and said "frait" for "froid," "porteux" for +"porteurs." I was not a courtier, neither was I stiff-backed in my +manner to her; in fact I behaved so well that as I passed the countess +she said in a low voice, "You are perfect." + +The count came to me and took my hand, saying: "You are not angry with +me, Felix, are you? If I was hasty you will pardon an old soldier? We +shall probably stay here to dinner, and I invite you to dine with us +on Thursday, the evening before the duchess leaves. I must go to Tours +to-morrow to settle some business. Don't neglect Clochegourde. My +mother-in-law is an acquaintance I advise you to cultivate. Her salon +will set the tone for the faubourg St. Germain. She has all the +traditions of the great world, and possesses an immense amount of +social knowledge; she knows the blazon of the oldest as well as the +newest family in Europe." + +The count's good taste, or perhaps the advice of his domestic genius, +appeared under his altered circumstances. He was neither arrogant nor +offensively polite, nor pompous in any way, and the duchess was not +patronizing. Monsieur and Madame de Chessel gratefully accepted the +invitation to dinner on the following Thursday. I pleased the duchess, +and by her glance I knew she was examining a man of whom her daughter +had spoken to her. As we returned from vespers she questioned me about +my family, and asked if the Vandenesse now in diplomacy was my +relative. "He is my brother," I replied. On that she became almost +affectionate. She told me that my great-aunt, the old Marquise de +Listomere, was a Grandlieu. Her manners were as cordial as those of +Monsieur de Mortsauf the day he saw me for the first time; the haughty +glance with which these sovereigns of the earth make you measure the +distance that lies between you and them disappeared. I knew almost +nothing of my family. The duchess told me that my great-uncle, an old +abbe whose very name I did not know, was to be member of the privy +council, that my brother was already promoted, and also that by a +provision of the Charter, of which I had not yet heard, my father +became once more Marquis de Vandenesse. + +"I am but one thing, the serf of Clochegourde," I said in a low voice +to the countess. + +The transformation scene of the Restoration was carried through with a +rapidity which bewildered the generation brought up under the imperial +regime. To me this revolution meant nothing. The least word or gesture +from Madame de Mortsauf were the sole events to which I attached +importance. I was ignorant of what the privy council was, and knew as +little of politics as of social life; my sole ambition was to love +Henriette better than Petrarch loved Laura. This indifference made the +duchess take me for a child. A large company assembled at Frapesle and +we were thirty at table. What intoxication it is for a young man +unused to the world to see the woman he loves more beautiful than all +others around her, the centre of admiring looks; to know that for him +alone is reserved the chaste fire of those eyes, that none but he can +discern in the tones of that voice, in the words it utters, however +gay or jesting they may be, the proofs of unremitting thought. The +count, delighted with the attentions paid to him, seemed almost young; +his wife looked hopeful of a change; I amused myself with Madeleine, +who, like all children with bodies weaker than their minds, made +others laugh with her clever observations, full of sarcasm, though +never malicious, and which spared no one. It was a happy day. A word, +a hope awakened in the morning illumined nature. Seeing me so joyous, +Henriette was joyful too. + +"This happiness smiling on my gray and cloudy life seems good," she +said to me the next day. + +That day I naturally spent at Clochegourde. I had been banished for +five days, I was athirst for life. The count left at six in the +morning for Tours. A serious disagreement had arisen between mother +and daughter. The duchess wanted the countess to move to Paris, where +she promised her a place at court, and where the count, reconsidering +his refusal, might obtain some high position. Henriette, who was +thought happy in her married life, would not reveal, even to her +mother, her tragic sufferings and the fatal incapacity of her husband. +It was to hide his condition from the duchess that she persuaded him +to go to Tours and transact business with his notaries. I alone, as +she had truly said, knew the dark secret of Clochegourde. Having +learned by experience how the pure air and the blue sky of the lovely +valley calmed the excitements and soothed the morbid griefs of the +diseased mind, and what beneficial effect the life at Clochegourde had +upon the health of her children, she opposed her mother's desire that +she should leave it with reasons which the overbearing woman, who was +less grieved than mortified by her daughter's bad marriage, vigorously +combated. + +Henriette saw that the duchess cared little for Jacques and Madeleine, +--a terrible discovery! Like all domineering mothers who expect to +continue the same authority over their married daughters that they +maintained when they were girls, the duchess brooked no opposition; +sometimes she affected a crafty sweetness to force her daughter to +compliance, at other times a cold severity, intending to obtain by +fear what gentleness had failed to win; then, when all means failed, +she displayed the same native sarcasm which I had often observed in my +own mother. In those ten days Henriette passed through all the +contentions a young woman must endure to establish her independence. +You, who for your happiness have the best of mothers, can scarcely +comprehend such trials. To gain a true idea of the struggle between +that cold, calculating, ambitious woman and a daughter abounding in +the tender natural kindness that never faileth, you must imagine a +lily, to which my heart has always compared her, bruised beneath the +polished wheels of a steel car. That mother had nothing in common with +her daughter; she was unable even to imagine the real difficulties +which hindered her from taking advantage of the Restoration and forced +her to continue a life of solitude. Though families bury their +internal dissensions with the utmost care, enter behind the scenes, +and you will find in nearly all of them deep, incurable wounds, which +lessen the natural affections. Sometimes these wounds are given by +passions real and most affecting, rendered eternal by the dignity of +those who feel them; sometimes by latent hatreds which slowly freeze +the heart and dry all tears when the hour of parting comes. Tortured +yesterday and to-day, wounded by all, even by the suffering children +who were guiltless of the ills they endured, how could that poor soul +fail to love the one human being who did not strike her, who would +fain have built a wall of defence around her to guard her from storms, +from harsh contacts and cruel blows? Though I suffered from a +knowledge of these debates, there were moments when I was happy in the +sense that she rested upon my heart; for she told me of these new +troubles. Day by day I learned more fully the meaning of her words,-- +"Love me as my aunt loved me." + +"Have you no ambition?" the duchess said to me at dinner, with a stern +air. + +"Madame," I replied, giving her a serious look, "I have enough in me +to conquer the world; but I am only twenty-one, and I am all alone." + +She looked at her daughter with some astonishment. Evidently she +believed that Henriette had crushed my ambition in order to keep me +near her. The visit of Madame de Lenoncourt was a period of unrelieved +constraint. The countess begged me to be cautious; she was frightened +by the least kind word; to please her I wore the harness of deceit. +The great Thursday came; it was a day of wearisome ceremonial,--one of +those stiff days which lovers hate, when their chair is no longer in +its place, and the mistress of the house cannot be with them. Love has +a horror of all that does not concern itself. But the duchess returned +at last to the pomps and vanities of the court, and Clochegourde +recovered its accustomed order. + +My little quarrel with the count resulted in making me more at home in +the house than ever; I could go there at all times without hindrance; +and the antecedents of my life inclined me to cling like a climbing +plant to the beautiful soul which had opened to me the enchanting +world of shared emotions. Every hour, every minute, our fraternal +marriage, founded on trust, became a surer thing; each of us settled +firmly into our own position; the countess enfolded me with her +nurturing care, with the white draperies of a love that was wholly +maternal; while my love for her, seraphic in her presence, seared me +as with hot irons when away from her. I loved her with a double love +which shot its arrows of desire, and then lost them in the sky, where +they faded out of sight in the impermeable ether. If you ask me why, +young and ardent, I continued in the deluding dreams of Platonic love, +I must own to you that I was not yet man enough to torture that woman, +who was always in dread of some catastrophe to her children, always +fearing some outburst of her husband's stormy temper, martyrized by +him when not afflicted by the illness of Jacques or Madeleine, and +sitting beside one or the other of them when her husband allowed her a +little rest. The mere sound of too warm a word shook her whole being; +a desire shocked her; what she needed was a veiled love, support +mingled with tenderness,--that, in short, which she gave to others. +Then, need I tell you, who are so truly feminine? this situation +brought with it hours of delightful languor, moments of divine +sweetness and content which followed by secret immolation. Her +conscience was, if I may call it so, contagious; her self-devotion +without earthly recompense awed me by its persistence; the living, +inward piety which was the bond of her other virtues filled the air +about her with spiritual incense. Besides, I was young,--young enough +to concentrate my whole being on the kiss she allowed me too seldom to +lay upon her hand, of which she gave me only the back, and never the +palm, as though she drew the line of sensual emotions there. No two +souls ever clasped each other with so much ardor, no bodies were ever +more victoriously annihilated. Later I understood the cause of this +sufficing joy. At my age no worldly interests distracted my heart; no +ambitions blocked the stream of a love which flowed like a torrent, +bearing all things on its bosom. Later, we love the woman in a woman; +but the first woman we love is the whole of womanhood; her children +are ours, her interests are our interests, her sorrows our greatest +sorrow; we love her gown, the familiar things about her; we are more +grieved by a trifling loss of hers than if we knew we had lost +everything. This is the sacred love that makes us live in the being of +another; whereas later, alas! we draw another life into ours, and +require a woman to enrich our pauper spirit with her young soul. + +I was now one of the household, and I knew for the first time an +infinite sweetness, which to a nature bruised as mine was like a bath +to a weary body; the soul is refreshed in every fibre, comforted to +its very depths. You will hardly understand me, for you are a woman, +and I am speaking now of a happiness women give but do not receive. A +man alone knows the choice happiness of being, in the midst of a +strange household, the privileged friend of its mistress, the secret +centre of her affections. No dog barks at you; the servants, like the +dogs, recognize your rights; the children (who are never misled, and +know that their power cannot be lessened, and that you cherish the +light of their life), the children possess the gift of divination, +they play with you like kittens and assume the friendly tyranny they +show only to those they love; they are full of intelligent discretion +and come and go on tiptoe without noise. Every one hastens to do you +service; all like you, and smile upon you. True passions are like +beautiful flowers all the more charming to the eye when they grow in a +barren soil. + +But if I enjoyed the delightful benefits of naturalization in a family +where I found relations after my own heart, I had also to pay some +costs for it. Until then Monsieur de Mortsauf had more or less +restrained himself before me. I had only seen his failings in the +mass; I was now to see the full extent of their application and +discover how nobly charitable the countess had been in the account she +had given me of these daily struggles. I learned now all the angles of +her husband's intolerable nature; I heard his perpetual scolding about +nothing, complaints of evils of which not a sign existed; I saw the +inward dissatisfaction which poisoned his life, and the incessant need +of his tyrannical spirit for new victims. When we went to walk in the +evenings he selected the way; but whichever direction we took he was +always bored; when we reached home he blamed others; his wife had +insisted on going where she wanted; why was he governed by her in all +the trifling things of life? was he to have no will, no thought of his +own? must he consent to be a cipher in his own house? If his harshness +was to be received in patient silence he was angry because he felt a +limit to his power; he asked sharply if religion did not require a +wife to please her husband, and whether it was proper to despise the +father of her children? He always ended by touching some sensitive +chord in his wife's mind; and he seemed to find a domineering pleasure +in making it sound. Sometimes he tried gloomy silence and a morbid +depression, which always alarmed his wife and made her pay him the +most tender attentions. Like petted children, who exercise their power +without thinking of the distress of their mother, he would let her +wait upon him as upon Jacques and Madeleine, of whom he was jealous. + +I discovered at last that in small things as well as in great ones the +count acted towards his servants, his children, his wife, precisely as +he had acted to me about the backgammon. The day when I understood, +root and branch, these difficulties, which like a rampant overgrowth +repressed the actions and stifled the breathing of the whole family, +hindered the management of the household and retarded the improvement +of the estate by complicating the most necessary acts, I felt an +admiring awe which rose higher than my love and drove it back into my +heart. Good God! what was I? Those tears that I had taken on my lips +solemnized my spirit; I found happiness in wedding the sufferings of +that woman. Hitherto I had yielded to the count's despotism as the +smuggler pays his fine; henceforth I was a voluntary victim that I +might come the nearer to her. The countess understood me, allowed me a +place beside her, and gave me permission to share her sorrows; like +the repentant apostate, eager to rise to heaven with his brethren, I +obtained the favor of dying in the arena. + +"Were it not for you I must have succumbed under this life," Henriette +said to me one evening when the count had been, like the flies on a +hot day, more stinging, venomous, and persistent than usual. + +He had gone to bed. Henriette and I remained under the acacias; the +children were playing about us, bathed in the setting sun. Our few +exclamatory words revealed the mutuality of the thoughts in which we +rested from our common sufferings. When language failed silence as +faithfully served our souls, which seemed to enter one another without +hindrance; together they luxuriated in the charms of pensive languor, +they met in the undulations of the same dream, they plunged as one +into the river and came out refreshed like two nymphs as closely +united as their souls could wish, but with no earthly tie to bind +them. We entered the unfathomable gulf, we returned to the surface +with empty hands, asking each other by a look, "Among all our days on +earth will there be one for us?" + +In spite of the tranquil poetry of evening which gave to the bricks of +the balustrade their orange tones, so soothing and so pure; in spite +of the religious atmosphere of the hour, which softened the voices of +the children and wafted them towards us, desire crept through my veins +like the match to the bonfire. After three months of repression I was +unable to content myself with the fate assigned me. I took Henriette's +hand and softly caressed it, trying to convey to her the ardor that +invaded me. She became at once Madame de Mortsauf, and withdrew her +hand; tears rolled from my eyes, she saw them and gave me a chilling +look, as she offered her hand to my lips. + +"You must know," she said, "that this will cause me grief. A +friendship that asks so great a favor is dangerous." + +Then I lost my self-control; I reproached her, I spoke of my +sufferings, and the slight alleviation that I asked for them. I dared +to tell her that at my age, if the senses were all soul still the soul +had a sex; that I could meet death, but not with closed lips. She +forced me to silence with her proud glance, in which I seemed to read +the cry of the Mexican: "And I, am I on a bed of roses?" Ever since +that day by the gate of Frapesle, when I attributed to her the hope +that our happiness might spring from a grave, I had turned with shame +from the thought of staining her soul with the desires of a brutal +passion. She now spoke with honeyed lip, and told me that she never +could be wholly mine, and that I ought to know it. As she said the +words I know that in obeying her I dug an abyss between us. I bowed my +head. She went on, saying she had an inward religious certainty that +she might love me as a brother without offending God or man; such love +was a living image of the divine love, which her good Saint-Martin +told her was the life of the world. If I could not be to her somewhat +as her old confessor was, less than a lover yet more than a brother, I +must never see her again. She could die and take to God her sheaf of +sufferings, borne not without tears and anguish. + +"I gave you," she said in conclusion, "more than I ought to have +given, so that nothing might be left to take, and I am punished." + +I was forced to calm her, to promise never to cause her pain, and to +love her at twenty-one years of age as old men love their youngest +child. + +The next day I went early. There were no flowers in the vases of her +gray salon. I rushed into the fields and vineyards to make her two +bouquets; but as I gathered the flowers, one by one, cutting their +long stalks and admiring their beauty, the thought occurred to me that +the colors and foliage had a poetry, a harmony, which meant something +to the understanding while they charmed the eye; just as musical +melodies awaken memories in hearts that are loving and beloved. If +color is light organized, must it not have a meaning of its own, as +the combinations of the air have theirs? I called in the assistance of +Jacques and Madeleine, and all three of us conspired to surprise our +dear one. I arranged, on the lower steps of the portico, where we +established our floral headquarters, two bouquets by which I tried to +convey a sentiment. Picture to yourself a fountain of flowers gushing +from the vases and falling back in curving waves; my message springing +from its bosom in white roses and lilies with their silver cups. All +the blue flowers, harebells, forget-me-nots, and ox-tongues, whose +tines, caught from the skies, blended so well with the whiteness of +the lilies, sparkled on this dewy texture; were they not the type of +two purities, the one that knows nothing, the other that knows all; an +image of the child, an image of the martyr? Love has its blazon, and +the countess discerned it inwardly. She gave me a poignant glance +which was like the cry of a soldier when his wound is touched; she was +humbled but enraptured too. My reward was in that glance; to refresh +her heart, to have given her comfort, what encouragement for me! Then +it was that I pressed the theories of Pere Castel into the service of +love, and recovered a science lost to Europe, where written pages have +supplanted the flowery missives of the Orient with their balmy tints. +What charm in expressing our sensations through these daughters of the +sun, sisters to the flowers that bloom beneath the rays of love! +Before long I communed with the flora of the fields, as a man whom I +met in after days at Grandlieu communed with his bees. + +Twice a week during the remainder of my stay at Frapesle I continued +the slow labor of this poetic enterprise, for the ultimate +accomplishment of which I needed all varieties of herbaceous plants; +into these I made a deep research, less as a botanist than as a poet, +studying their spirit rather than their form. To find a flower in its +native haunts I walked enormous distances, beside the brooklets, +through the valleys, to the summit of the cliffs, across the moorland, +garnering thoughts even from the heather. During these rambles I +initiated myself into pleasures unthought of by the man of science who +lives in meditation, unknown to the horticulturist busy with +specialities, to the artisan fettered to a city, to the merchant +fastened to his desk, but known to a few foresters, to a few woodsmen, +and to some dreamers. Nature can show effects the significations of +which are limitless; they rise to the grandeur of the highest moral +conceptions--be it the heather in bloom, covered with the diamonds of +the dew on which the sunlight dances; infinitude decked for the single +glance that may chance to fall upon it:--be it a corner of the forest +hemmed in with time-worn rocks crumbling to gravel and clothed with +mosses overgrown with juniper, which grasps our minds as something +savage, aggressive, terrifying as the cry of the kestrel issuing from +it:--be it a hot and barren moor without vegetation, stony, rigid, its +horizon like those of the desert, where once I gathered a sublime and +solitary flower, the anemone pulsatilla, with its violet petals +opening for the golden stamens; affecting image of my pure idol alone +in her valley:--be it great sheets of water, where nature casts those +spots of greenery, a species of transition between the plant and +animal, where life makes haste to come in flowers and insects, +floating there like worlds in ether:--be it a cottage with its garden +of cabbages, its vineyards, its hedges overhanging a bog, surrounded +by a few sparse fields of rye; true image of many humble existences:-- +be it a forest path like some cathedral nave, where the trees are +columns and their branches arch the roof, at the far end of which a +light breaks through, mingled with shadows or tinted with sunset reds +athwart the leaves which gleam like the colored windows of a chancel: +--then, leaving these woods so cool and branchy, behold a chalk-land +lying fallow, where among the warm and cavernous mosses adders glide +to their lairs, or lift their proud slim heads. Cast upon all these +pictures torrents of sunlight like beneficent waters, or the shadow of +gray clouds drawn in lines like the wrinkles of an old man's brow, or +the cool tones of a sky faintly orange and streaked with lines of a +paler tint; then listen--you will hear indefinable harmonies amid a +silence which blends them all. + +During the months of September and October I did not make a single +bouquet which cost me less than three hours search; so much did I +admire, with the real sympathy of a poet, these fugitive allegories of +human life, that vast theatre I was about to enter, the scenes of +which my memory must presently recall. Often do I now compare those +splendid scenes with memories of my soul thus expending itself on +nature; again I walk that valley with my sovereign, whose white robe +brushed the coppice and floated on the green sward, whose spirit rose, +like a promised fruit, from each calyx filled with amorous stamens. + +No declaration of love, no vows of uncontrollable passion ever +conveyed more than these symphonies of flowers; my baffled desires +impelled me to efforts of expression through them like those of +Beethoven through his notes, to the same bitter reactions, to the same +mighty bounds towards heaven. In their presence Madame de Mortsauf was +my Henriette. She looked at them constantly; they fed her spirit, she +gathered all the thoughts I had given them, saying, as she raised her +head from the embroidery frame to receive my gift, "Ah, how +beautiful!" + +Natalie, you will understand this delightful intercourse through the +details of a bouquet, just as you would comprehend Saadi from a +fragment of his verse. Have you ever smelt in the fields in the month +of May the perfume that communicates to all created beings the +intoxicating sense of a new creation; the sense that makes you trail +your hand in the water from a boat, and loosen your hair to the breeze +while your mind revives with the springtide greenery of the trees? A +little plant, a species of vernal grass, is a powerful element in this +veiled harmony; it cannot be worn with impunity; take into your hand +its shining blade, striped green and white like a silken robe, and +mysterious emotions will stir the rosebuds your modesty keeps hidden +in the depths of your heart. Round the neck of a porcelain vase +imagine a broad margin of the gray-white tufts peculiar to the sedum +of the vineyards of Touraine, vague image of submissive forms; from +this foundation come tendrils of the bind-weed with its silver bells, +sprays of pink rest-barrow mingled with a few young shoots of oak- +leaves, lustrous and magnificently colored; these creep forth +prostrate, humble as the weeping-willow, timid and supplicating as +prayer. Above, see those delicate threads of the purple amoret, with +its flood of anthers that are nearly yellow; the snowy pyramids of the +meadow-sweet, the green tresses of the wild oats, the slender plumes +of the agrostis, which we call wind-ear; roseate hopes, decking love's +earliest dream and standing forth against the gray surroundings. But +higher still, remark the Bengal roses, sparsely scattered among the +laces of the daucus, the plumes of the linaria, the marabouts of the +meadow-queen; see the umbels of the myrrh, the spun glass of the +clematis in seed, the dainty petals of the cross-wort, white as milk, +the corymbs of the yarrow, the spreading stems of the fumitory with +their black and rosy blossoms, the tendrils of the grape, the twisted +shoots of the honeysuckle; in short, all the innocent creatures have +that is most tangled, wayward, wild,--flames and triple darts, leaves +lanceolated or jagged, stalks convoluted like passionate desires +writhing in the soul. From the bosom of this torrent of love rises the +scarlet poppy, its tassels about to open, spreading its flaming flakes +above the starry jessamine, dominating the rain of pollen--that soft +mist fluttering in the air and reflecting the light in its myriad +particles. What woman intoxicated with the odor of the vernal grasses +would fail to understand this wealth of offered thoughts, these ardent +desires of a love demanding the happiness refused in a hundred +struggles which passion still renews, continuous, unwearying, eternal! + +Put this speech of the flowers in the light of a window to show its +crisp details, its delicate contrasts, its arabesques of color, and +allow the sovereign lady to see a tear upon some petal more expanded +than the rest. What do we give to God? perfumes, light, and song, the +purest expression of our nature. Well, these offerings to God, are +they not likewise offered to love in this poem of luminous flowers +murmuring their sadness to the heart, cherishing its hidden +transports, its unuttered hopes, its illusions which gleam and fall to +fragments like the gossamer of a summer's night? + +Such neutral pleasures help to soothe a nature irritated by long +contemplation of the person beloved. They were to me, I dare not say +to her, like those fissures in a dam through which the water finds a +vent and avoids disaster. Abstinence brings deadly exhaustion, which a +few crumbs falling from heaven like manna in the desert, suffices to +relieve. Sometimes I found my Henriette standing before these bouquets +with pendant arms, lost in agitated reverie, thoughts swelling her +bosom, illumining her brow as they surged in waves and sank again, +leaving lassitude and languor behind them. Never again have I made a +bouquet for any one. When she and I had created this language and +formed it to our uses, a satisfaction filled our souls like that of a +slave who escapes his masters. + +During the rest of this month as I came from the meadows through the +gardens I often saw her face at the window, and when I reached the +salon she was ready at her embroidery frame. If I did not arrive at +the hour expected (though never appointed), I saw a white form +wandering on the terrace, and when I joined her she would say, "I came +to meet you; I must show a few attentions to my youngest child." + +The miserable games of backgammon had come to end. The count's late +purchases took all his time in going hither and thither about the +property, surveying, examining, and marking the boundaries of his new +possessions. He had orders to give, rural works to overlook which +needed a master's eye,--all of them planned and decided on by his wife +and himself. We often went to meet him, the countess and I, with the +children, who amused themselves on the way by running after insects, +stag-beetles, darning-needles, they too making their bouquets, or to +speak more truly, their bundles of flowers. To walk beside the woman +we love, to take her on our arm, to guide her steps,--these are +illimitable joys that suffice a lifetime. Confidence is then complete. +We went alone, we returned with the "general," a title given to the +count when he was good-humored. These two ways of taking the same path +gave light and shade to our pleasure, a secret known only to hearts +debarred from union. Our talk, so free as we went, had hidden +significations as we returned, when either of us gave an answer to +some furtive interrogation, or continued a subject, already begun, in +the enigmatic phrases to which our language lends itself, and which +women are so ingenious in composing. Who has not known the pleasure of +such secret understandings in a sphere apart from those about us, a +sphere where spirits meet outside of social laws? + +One day a wild hope, quickly dispelled, took possession of me, when +the count, wishing to know what we were talking of, put the inquiry, +and Henriette answered in words that allowed another meaning, which +satisfied him. This amused Madeleine, who laughed; after a moment her +mother blushed and gave me a forbidding look, as if to say she might +still withdraw from me her soul as she had once withdrawn her hand. +But our purely spiritual union had far too many charms, and on the +morrow it continued as before. + +The hours, days, and weeks fled by, filled with renascent joys. Grape +harvest, the festal season in Touraine, began. Toward the end of +September the sun, less hot than during the wheat harvest, allows of +our staying in the vineyards without danger of becoming overheated. It +is easier to gather grapes than to mow wheat. Fruits of all kinds are +ripe, harvests are garnered, bread is less dear; the sense of plenty +makes the country people happy. Fears as to the results of rural toil, +in which more money than sweat is often spent, vanish before a full +granary and cellars about to overflow. The vintage is then like a gay +dessert after the dinner is eaten; the skies of Touraine, where the +autumns are always magnificent, smile upon it. In this hospitable land +the vintagers are fed and lodged in the master's house. The meals are +the only ones throughout the year when these poor people taste +substantial, well-cooked food; and they cling to the custom as the +children of patriarchal families cling to anniversaries. As the time +approaches they flock in crowds to those houses where the masters are +known to treat the laborers liberally. The house is full of people and +of provisions. The presses are open. The country is alive with the +coming and going of itinerant coopers, of carts filled with laughing +girls and joyous husbandmen, who earn better wages than at any other +time during the year, and who sing as they go. There is also another +cause of pleasurable content: classes and ranks are equal; women, +children, masters, and men, all that little world, share in the +garnering of the divine hoard. These various elements of satisfaction +explain the hilarity of the vintage, transmitted from age to age in +these last glorious days of autumn, the remembrance of which inspired +Rabelais with the bacchic form of his great work. + +The children, Jacques and Madeleine, had never seen a vintage; I was +like them, and they were full of infantine delight at finding a sharer +of their pleasure; their mother, too, promised to accompany us. We +went to Villaines, where baskets are manufactured, in quest of the +prettiest that could be bought; for we four were to cut certain rows +reserved for our scissors; it was, however, agreed that none of us +were to eat too many grapes. To eat the fat bunches of Touraine in a +vineyard seemed so delicious that we all refused the finest grapes on +the dinner-table. Jacques made me swear I would go to no other +vineyard, but stay closely at Clochegourde. Never were these frail +little beings, usually pallid and smiling, so fresh and rosy and +active as they were this morning. They chattered for chatter's sake, +and trotted about without apparent object; they suddenly seemed, like +other children, to have more life than they needed; neither Monsieur +nor Madame de Mortsauf had ever seen them so before. I became a child +again with them, more of a child than either of them, perhaps; I, too, +was hoping for my harvest. It was glorious weather when we went to the +vineyard, and we stayed there half the day. How we disputed as to who +had the finest grapes and who could fill his basket quickest! The +little human shoots ran to and fro from the vines to their mother; not +a bunch could be cut without showing it to her. She laughed with the +good, gay laugh of her girlhood when I, running up with my basket +after Madeleine, cried out, "Mine too! See mine, mamma!" To which she +answered: "Don't get overheated, dear child." Then passing her hand +round my neck and through my hair, she added, giving me a little tap +on the cheek, "You are melting away." It was the only caress she ever +gave me. I looked at the pretty line of purple clusters, the hedges +full of haws and blackberries; I heard the voices of the children; I +watched the trooping girls, the cart loaded with barrels, the men with +the panniers. Ah, it is all engraved on my memory, even to the almond- +tree beside which she stood, girlish, rosy, smiling, beneath the +sunshade held open in her hand. Then I busied myself in cutting the +bunches and filling my basket, going forward to empty it in the vat, +silently, with measured bodily movement and slow steps that left my +spirit free. I discovered then the ineffable pleasure of an external +labor which carries life along, and thus regulates the rush of +passion, often so near, but for this mechanical motion, to kindle into +flame. I learned how much wisdom is contained in uniform labor; I +understood monastic discipline. + +For the first time in many days the count was neither surly nor cruel. +His son was so well; the future Duc de Lenoncourt-Mortsauf, fair and +rosy and stained with grape-juice, rejoiced his heart. This day being +the last of the vintage, he had promised a dance in front of +Clochegourde in honor of the return of the Bourbons, so that our +festival gratified everybody. As we returned to the house, the +countess took my arm and leaned upon it, as if to let my heart feel +the weight of hers,--the instinctive movement of a mother who seeks to +convey her joy. Then she whispered in my ear, "You bring us +happiness." + +Ah, to me, who knew her sleepless nights, her cares, her fears, her +former existence, in which, although the hand of God sustained her, +all was barren and wearisome, those words uttered by that rich voice +brought pleasures no other woman in the world could give me. + +"The terrible monotony of my life is broken, all things are radiant +with hope," she said after a pause. "Oh, never leave me! Do not +despise my harmless superstitions; be the elder son, the protector of +the younger." + +In this, Natalie, there is nothing romantic. To know the infinite of +our deepest feelings, we must in youth cast our lead into those great +lakes upon whose shores we live. Though to many souls passions are +lava torrents flowing among arid rocks, other souls there be in whom +passion, restrained by insurmountable obstacles, fills with purest +water the crater of the volcano. + +We had still another fete. Madame de Mortsauf, wishing to accustom her +children to the practical things of life, and to give them some +experience of the toil by which men earn their living, had provided +each of them with a source of income, depending on the chances of +agriculture. To Jacques she gave the produce of the walnut-trees, to +Madeleine that of the chestnuts. The gathering of the nuts began soon +after the vintage,--first the chestnuts, then the walnuts. To beat +Madeleine's trees with a long pole and hear the nuts fall and rebound +on the dry, matted earth of a chestnut-grove; to see the serious +gravity of the little girl as she examined the heaps and estimated +their probable value, which to her represented many pleasures on which +she counted; the congratulations of Manette, the trusted servant who +alone supplied Madame de Mortsauf's place with the children; the +explanations of the mother, showing the necessity of labor to obtain +all crops, so often imperilled by the uncertainties of climate,--all +these things made up a charming scene of innocent, childlike happiness +amid the fading colors of the late autumn. + +Madeleine had a little granary of her own, in which I was to see her +brown treasure garnered and share her delight. Well, I quiver still +when I recall the sound of each basketful of nuts as it was emptied on +the mass of yellow husks, mixed with earth, which made the floor of +the granary. The count bought what was needed for the household; the +farmers and tenants, indeed, every one around Clochegourde, sent +buyers to the Mignonne, a pet name which the peasantry give even to +strangers, but which in this case belonged exclusively to Madeleine. + +Jacques was less fortunate in gathering his walnuts. It rained for +several days; but I consoled him with the advice to hold back his nuts +and sell them a little later. Monsieur de Chessel had told me that the +walnut-trees in the Brehemont, also those about Amboise and Vouvray, +were not bearing. Walnut oil is in great demand in Touraine. Jacques +might get at least forty sous for the product of each tree, and as he +had two hundred the amount was considerable; he intended to spend it +on the equipment of a pony. This wish led to a discussion with his +father, who bade him think of the uncertainty of such returns, and the +wisdom of creating a reserve fund for the years when the trees might +not bear, and so equalizing his resources. I felt what was passing +through the mother's mind as she sat by in silence; she rejoiced in +the way Jacques listened to his father, the father seeming to recover +the paternal dignity that was lacking to him, thanks to the ideas +which she herself had prompted in him. Did I not tell you truly that +in picturing this woman earthly language was insufficient to render +either her character or her spirit. When such scenes occurred my soul +drank in their delights without analyzing them; but now, with what +vigor they detach themselves on the dark background of my troubled +life! Like diamonds they shine against the settling of thoughts +degraded by alloy, of bitter regrets for a lost happiness. Why do the +names of the two estates purchased after the Restoration, and in which +Monsieur and Madame de Mortsauf both took the deepest interest, the +Cassine and the Rhetoriere, move me more than the sacred names of the +Holy Land or of Greece? "Who loves, knows!" cried La Fontaine. Those +names possess the talismanic power of words uttered under certain +constellations by seers; they explain magic to me; they awaken +sleeping forms which arise and speak to me; they lead me to the happy +valley; they recreate skies and landscape. But such evocations are in +the regions of the spiritual world; they pass in the silence of my own +soul. Be not surprised, therefore, if I dwell on all these homely +scenes; the smallest details of that simple, almost common life are +ties which, frail as they may seem, bound me in closest union to the +countess. + +The interests of her children gave Madame de Mortsauf almost as much +anxiety as their health. I soon saw the truth of what she had told me +as to her secret share in the management of the family affairs, into +which I became slowly initiated. After ten years' steady effort Madame +de Mortsauf had changed the method of cultivating the estate. She had +"put it in fours," as the saying is in those parts, meaning the new +system under which wheat is sown every four years only, so as to make +the soil produce a different crop yearly. To evade the obstinate +unwillingness of the peasantry it was found necessary to cancel the +old leases and give new ones, to divide the estate into four great +farms and let them on equal shares, the sort of lease that prevails in +Touraine and its neighborhood. The owner of the estate gives the +house, farm-buildings, and seed-grain to tenants-at-will, with whom he +divides the costs of cultivation and the crops. This division is +superintended by an agent or bailiff, whose business it is to take the +share belonging to the owner; a costly system, complicated by the +market changes of values, which alter the character of the shares +constantly. The countess had induced Monsieur de Mortsauf to cultivate +a fifth farm, made up of the reserved lands about Clochegourde, as +much to occupy his mind as to show other farmers the excellence of the +new method by the evidence of facts. Being thus, in a hidden way, the +mistress of the estate, she had slowly and with a woman's persistency +rebuilt two of the farm-houses on the principle of those in Artois and +Flanders. It is easy to see her motive. She wished, after the +expiration of the leases on shares, to relet to intelligent and +capable persons for rental in money, and thus simplify the revenues of +Clochegourde. Fearing to die before her husband, she was anxious to +secure for him a regular income, and to her children a property which +no incapacity could jeopardize. At the present time the fruit-trees +planted during the last ten years were in full bearing; the hedges, +which secured the boundaries from dispute, were in good order; the +elms and poplars were growing well. With the new purchases and the new +farming system well under way, the estate of Clochegourde, divided +into four great farms, two of which still needed new houses, was +capable of bringing in forty thousand francs a year, ten thousand for +each farm, not counting the yield of the vineyards, and the two +hundred acres of woodland which adjoined them, nor the profits of the +model home-farm. The roads to the great farms all opened on an avenue +which followed a straight line from Clochegourde to the main road +leading to Chinon. The distance from the entrance of this avenue to +Tours was only fifteen miles; tenants would never be wanting, +especially now that everybody was talking of the count's improvements +and the excellent condition of his land. + +The countess wished to put some fifteen thousand francs into each of +the estates lately purchased, and to turn the present dwellings into +two large farm-houses and buildings, in order that the property might +bring in a better rent after the ground had been cultivated for a year +or two. These ideas, so simple in themselves, but complicated with the +thirty odd thousand francs it was necessary to expend upon them, were +just now the topic of many discussions between herself and the count, +sometimes amounting to bitter quarrels, in which she was sustained by +the thought of her children's interests. The fear, "If I die to-morrow +what will become of them?" made her heart beat. The gentle, peaceful +hearts to whom anger is an impossibility, and whose sole desire is to +shed on those about them their own inward peace, alone know what +strength is needed for such struggles, what demands upon the spirit +must be made before beginning the contest, what weariness ensues when +the fight is over and nothing has been won. At this moment, just as +her children seemed less anemic, less frail, more active (for the +fruit season had had its effect on them), and her moist eyes followed +them as they played about her with a sense of contentment which +renewed her strength and refreshed her heart, the poor woman was +called upon to bear the sharp sarcasms and attacks of an angry +opposition. The count, alarmed at the plans she proposed, denied with +stolid obstinacy the advantages of all she had done and the +possibility of doing more. He replied to conclusive reasoning with the +folly of a child who denies the influence of the sun in summer. The +countess, however, carried the day. The victory of commonsense over +insanity so healed her wounds that she forgot the battle. That day we +all went to the Cassine and the Rhetoriere, to decide upon the +buildings. The count walked alone in front, the children went next, +and we ourselves followed slowly, for she was speaking in a low, +gentle tone, which made her words like the murmur of the sea as it +ripples on a smooth beach. + +She was, she said, certain of success. A new line of communication +between Tours and Chinon was to be opened by an active man, a carrier, +a cousin of Manette's, who wanted a large farm on the route. His +family was numerous; the eldest son would drive the carts, the second +could attend to the business, the father living half-way along the +road, at Rabelaye, one of the farms then to let, would look after the +relays and enrich his land with the manure of the stables. As to the +other farm, la Baude, the nearest to Clochegourde, one of their own +people, a worthy, intelligent, and industrious man, who saw the +advantages of the new system of agriculture, was ready to take a lease +on it. The Cassine and the Rhetoriere need give no anxiety; their soil +was the very best in the neighborhood; the farm-houses once built, and +the ground brought into cultivation, it would be quite enough to +advertise them at Tours; tenants would soon apply for them. In two +years' time Clochegourde would be worth at least twenty-four thousand +francs a year. Gravelotte, the farm in Maine, which Monsieur de +Mortsauf had recovered after the emigration, was rented for seven +thousand francs a year for nine years; his pension was four thousand. +This income might not be a fortune, but it was certainly a competence. +Later, other additions to it might enable her to go to Paris and +attend to Jacques' education; in two years, she thought, his health +would be established. + +With what feeling she uttered the word "Paris!" I knew her thought; +she wished to be as little separated as possible from her friend. On +that I broke forth; I told her that she did not know me; that without +talking of it, I had resolved to finish my education by working day +and night so as to fit myself to be Jacques' tutor. She looked grave. + +"No, Felix," she said, "that cannot be, any more than your priesthood. +I thank you from my heart as a mother, but as a woman who loves you +sincerely I can never allow you to be the victim of your attachment to +me. Such a position would be a social discredit to you, and I could +not allow it. No! I cannot be an injury to you in any way. You, +Vicomte de Vandenesse, a tutor! You, whose motto is 'Ne se vend!' Were +you Richelieu himself it would bar your way in life; it would give the +utmost pain to your family. My friend, you do not know what insult +women of the world, like my mother, can put into a patronizing glance, +what degradation into a word, what contempt into a bow." + +"But if you love me, what is the world to me?" + +She pretended not to hear, and went on:-- + +"Though my father is most kind and desirous of doing all I ask, he +would never forgive your taking so humble a position; he would refuse +you his protection. I could not consent to your becoming tutor to the +Dauphin even. You must accept society as it is; never commit the fault +of flying in the face of it. My friend, this rash proposal of--" + +"Love," I whispered. + +"No, charity," she said, controlling her tears, "this wild idea +enlightens me as to your character; your heart will be your bane. I +shall claim from this moment the right to teach you certain things. +Let my woman's eye see for you sometimes. Yes, from the solitudes of +Clochegourde I mean to share, silently, contentedly, in your +successes. As to a tutor, do not fear; we shall find some good old +abbe, some learned Jesuit, and my father will gladly devote a handsome +sum to the education of the boy who is to bear his name. Jacques is my +pride. He is, however, eleven years old," she added after a pause. +"But it is with him as with you; when I first saw you I took you to be +about thirteen." + +We now reached the Cassine, where Jacques, Madeleine, and I followed +her about as children follow a mother; but we were in her way; I left +her presently and went into the orchard where Martineau the elder, +keeper of the place, was discussing with Martineau the younger, the +bailiff, whether certain trees ought or ought not to be taken down; +they were arguing the matter as if it concerned their own property. I +then saw how much the countess was beloved. I spoke of it to a poor +laborer, who, with one foot on his spade and an elbow on its handle, +stood listening to the two doctors of pomology. + +"Ah, yes, monsieur," he answered, "she is a good woman, and not +haughty like those hussies at Azay, who would see us die like dogs +sooner than yield us one penny of the price of a grave! The day when +that woman leaves these parts the Blessed Virgin will weep, and we +too. She knows what is due to her, but she knows our hardships, too, +and she puts them into the account." + +With what pleasure I gave that man all the money I had. + +A few days later a pony arrived for Jacques, his father, an excellent +horseman, wishing to accustom the child by degrees to the fatigues of +such exercise. The boy had a pretty riding-dress, bought with the +product of the nuts. The morning when he took his first lesson +accompanied by his father and by Madeleine, who jumped and shouted +about the lawn round which Jacques was riding, was a great maternal +festival for the countess. The boy wore a blue collar embroidered by +her, a little sky-blue overcoat fastened by a polished leather belt, a +pair of white trousers pleated at the waist, and a Scotch cap, from +which his fair hair flowed in heavy locks. He was charming to behold. +All the servants clustered round to share the domestic joy. The little +heir smiled at his mother as he passed her, sitting erect, and quite +fearless. This first manly act of a child to whom death had often +seemed so near, the promise of a sound future warranted by this ride +which showed him so handsome, so fresh, so rosy,--what a reward for +all her cares! Then too the joy of the father, who seemed to renew his +youth, and who smiled for the first time in many long months; the +pleasure shown on all faces, the shout of an old huntsman of the +Lenoncourts, who had just arrived from Tours, and who, seeing how the +boy held the reins, shouted to him, "Bravo, monsieur le vicomte!"--all +this was too much for the poor mother, and she burst into tears; she, +so calm in her griefs, was too weak to bear the joy of admiring her +boy as he bounded over the gravel, where so often she had led him in +the sunshine inwardly weeping his expected death. She leaned upon my +arm unreservedly, and said: "I think I have never suffered. Do not +leave us to-day." + +The lesson over, Jacques jumped into his mother's arms; she caught him +and held him tightly to her, kissing him passionately. I went with +Madeleine to arrange two magnificent bouquets for the dinner-table in +honor of the young equestrian. When we returned to the salon the +countess said: "The fifteenth of October is certainly a great day with +me. Jacques has taken his first riding lesson, and I have just set the +last stitch in my furniture cover." + +"Then, Blanche," said the count, laughing, "I must pay you for it." + +He offered her his arm and took her to the first courtyard, where +stood an open carriage which her father had sent her, and for which +the count had purchased two English horses. The old huntsman had +prepared the surprise while Jacques was taking his lesson. We got into +the carriage, and went to see where the new avenue entered the main +road towards Chinon. As we returned, the countess said to me in an +anxious tone, "I am too happy; to me happiness is like an illness,--it +overwhelms me; I fear it may vanish like a dream." + +I loved her too passionately not to feel jealous,--I who could give +her nothing! In my rage against myself I longed for some means of +dying for her. She asked me to tell her the thoughts that filled my +eyes, and I told her honestly. She was more touched than by all her +presents; then taking me to the portico, she poured comfort into my +heart. "Love me as my aunt loved me," she said, "and that will be +giving me your life; and if I take it, must I not ever be grateful to +you? + +"It was time I finished my tapestry," she added as we re-entered the +salon, where I kissed her hand as if to renew my vows. "Perhaps you do +not know, Felix, why I began so formidable a piece of work. Men find +the occupations of life a great resource against troubles; the +management of affairs distracts their mind; but we poor women have no +support within ourselves against our sorrows. To be able to smile +before my children and my husband when my heart was heavy I felt the +need of controlling my inward sufferings by some physical exercise. In +this way I escaped the depression which is apt to follow a great +strain upon the moral strength, and likewise all outbursts of +excitement. The mere action of lifting my arm regularly as I drew the +stitches rocked my thoughts and gave to my spirit when the tempest +raged a monotonous ebb and flow which seemed to regulate its emotions. +To every stitch I confided my secrets,--you understand me, do you not? +Well, while doing my last chair I have thought much, too much, of you, +dear friend. What you have put into your bouquets I have said in my +embroidery." + +The dinner was lovely. Jacques, like all children when you take notice +of them, jumped into my arms when he saw the flowers I had arranged +for him as a garland. His mother pretended to be jealous; ah, Natalie, +you should have seen the charming grace with which the dear child +offered them to her. In the afternoon we played a game of backgammon, +I alone against Monsieur and Madame de Mortsauf, and the count was +charming. They accompanied me along the road to Frapesle in the +twilight of a tranquil evening, one of those harmonious evenings when +our feelings gain in depth what they lose in vivacity. It was a day of +days in this poor woman's life; a spot of brightness which often +comforted her thoughts in painful hours. + +Soon, however, the riding lessons became a subject of contention. The +countess justly feared the count's harsh reprimands to his son. +Jacques grew thin, dark circles surrounded his sweet blue eyes; rather +than trouble his mother, he suffered in silence. I advised him to tell +his father he was tired when the count's temper was violent; but that +expedient proved unavailing, and it became necessary to substitute the +old huntsman as a teacher in place of the father, who could with +difficulty be induced to resign his pupil. Angry reproaches and +contentions began once more; the count found a text for his continual +complaints in the base ingratitude of women; he flung the carriage, +horses, and liveries in his wife's face twenty times a day. At last a +circumstance occurred on which a man with his nature and his disease +naturally fastened eagerly. The cost of the buildings at the Cassine +and the Rhetoriere proved to be half as much again as the estimate. +This news was unfortunately given in the first instance to Monsieur de +Mortsauf instead of to his wife. It was the ground of a quarrel, which +began mildly but grew more and more embittered until it seemed as +though the count's madness, lulled for a short time, was demanding its +arrearages from the poor wife. + +That day I had started from Frapesle at half-past ten to search for +flowers with Madeleine. The child had brought the two vases to the +portico, and I was wandering about the gardens and adjoining meadows +gathering the autumn flowers, so beautiful, but too rare. Returning +from my final quest, I could not find my little lieutenant with her +white cape and broad pink sash; but I heard cries within the house, +and Madeleine presently came running out. + +"The general," she said, crying (the term with her was an expression +of dislike), "the general is scolding mamma; go and defend her." + +I sprang up the steps of the portico and reached the salon without +being seen by either the count or his wife. Hearing the madman's sharp +cries I first shut all the doors, then I returned and found Henriette +as white as her dress. + +"Never marry, Felix," said the count as soon as he saw me; "a woman is +led by the devil; the most virtuous of them would invent evil if it +did not exist; they are all vile." + +Then followed arguments without beginning or end. Harking back to the +old troubles, Monsieur de Mortsauf repeated the nonsense of the +peasantry against the new system of farming. He declared that if he +had had the management of Clochegourde he should be twice as rich as +he now was. He shouted these complaints and insults, he swore, he +sprang around the room knocking against the furniture and displacing +it; then in the middle of a sentence he stopped short, complained that +his very marrow was on fire, his brains melting away like his money, +his wife had ruined him! The countess smiled and looked upward. + +"Yes, Blanche," he cried, "you are my executioner; you are killing me; +I am in your way; you want to get rid of me; you are monster of +hypocrisy. She is smiling! Do you know why she smiles, Felix?" + +I kept silence and looked down. + +"That woman," he continued, answering his own question, "denies me all +happiness; she is no more to me than she is to you, and yet she +pretends to be my wife! She bears my name and fulfils none of the +duties which all laws, human and divine, impose upon her; she lies to +God and man. She obliges me to go long distances, hoping to wear me +out and make me leave her to herself; I am displeasing to her, she +hates me; she puts all her art into keeping me away from her; she has +made me mad through the privations she imposes on me--for everything +flies to my poor head; she is killing me by degrees, and she thinks +herself a saint and takes the sacrament every month!" + +The countess was weeping bitterly, humiliated by the degradation of +the man, to whom she kept saying for all answer, "Monsieur! monsieur! +monsieur!" + +Though the count's words made me blush, more for him than for +Henriette, they stirred my heart violently, for they appealed to the +sense of chastity and delicacy which is indeed the very warp and woof +of first love. + +"She is virgin at my expense," cried the count. + +At these words the countess cried out, "Monsieur!" + +"What do you mean with your imperious 'Monsieur!'" he shouted. "Am I +not your master? Must I teach you that I am?" + +He came towards her, thrusting forward his white wolf's head, now +hideous, for his yellow eyes had a savage expression which made him +look like a wild beast rushing out of a wood. Henriette slid from her +chair to the ground to avoid a blow, which however was not given; she +lay at full length on the floor and lost consciousness, completely +exhausted. The count was like a murderer who feels the blood of his +victim spurting in his face; he stopped short, bewildered. I took the +poor woman in my arms, and the count let me take her, as though he +felt unworthy to touch her; but he went before me to open the door of +her bedroom next the salon,--a sacred room I had never entered. I put +the countess on her feet and held her for a moment in one arm, passing +the other round her waist, while Monsieur de Mortsauf took the eider- +down coverlet from the bed; then together we lifted her and laid her, +still dressed, on the bed. When she came to herself she motioned to us +to unfasten her belt. Monsieur de Mortsauf found a pair of scissors, +and cut through it; I made her breathe salts, and she opened her eyes. +The count left the room, more ashamed than sorry. Two hours passed in +perfect silence. Henriette's hand lay in mine; she pressed it to mine, +but could not speak. From time to time she opened her eyes as if to +tell me by a look that she wished to be still and silent; then +suddenly, for an instant, there seemed a change; she rose on her elbow +and whispered, "Unhappy man!--ah! if you did but know--" + +She fell back upon the pillow. The remembrance of her past sufferings, +joined to the present shock, threw her again into the nervous +convulsions I had just calmed by the magnetism of love,--a power then +unknown to me, but which I used instinctively. I held her with gentle +force, and she gave me a look which made me weep. When the nervous +motions ceased I smoothed her disordered hair, the first and only time +that I ever touched it; then I again took her hand and sat looking at +the room, all brown and gray, at the bed with its simple chintz +curtains, at the toilet table draped in a fashion now discarded, at +the commonplace sofa with its quilted mattress. What poetry I could +read in that room! What renunciations of luxury for herself; the only +luxury being its spotless cleanliness. Sacred cell of a married nun, +filled with holy resignation; its sole adornments were the crucifix of +her bed, and above it the portrait of her aunt; then, on each side of +the holy water basin, two drawings of the children made by herself, +with locks of their hair when they were little. What a retreat for a +woman whose appearance in the great world of fashion would have made +the handsomest of her sex jealous! Such was the chamber where the +daughter of an illustrious family wept out her days, sunken at this +moment in anguish, and denying herself the love that might have +comforted her. Hidden, irreparable woe! Tears of the victim for her +slayer, tears of the slayer for his victim! When the children and +waiting-woman came at length into the room I left it. The count was +waiting for me; he seemed to seek me as a mediating power between +himself and his wife. He caught my hands, exclaiming, "Stay, stay with +us, Felix!" + +"Unfortunately," I said, "Monsieur de Chessel has a party, and my +absence would cause remark. But after dinner I will return." + +He left the house when I did, and took me to the lower gate without +speaking; then he accompanied me to Frapesle, seeming not to know what +he was doing. At last I said to him, "For heaven's sake, Monsieur le +comte, let her manage your affairs if it pleases her, and don't +torment her." + +"I have not long to live," he said gravely; "she will not suffer long +through me; my head is giving way." + +He left me in a spasm of involuntary self-pity. After dinner I +returned for news of Madame de Mortsauf, who was already better. If +such were the joys of marriage, if such scenes were frequent, how +could she survive them long? What slow, unpunished murder was this? +During that day I understood the tortures by which the count was +wearing out his wife. Before what tribunal can we arraign such crimes? +These thoughts stunned me; I could say nothing to Henriette by word of +mouth, but I spent the night in writing to her. Of the three or four +letters that I wrote I have kept only the beginning of one, with which +I was not satisfied. Here it is, for though it seems to me to express +nothing, and to speak too much of myself when I ought only to have +thought of her, it will serve to show you the state my soul was in:-- + + To Madame de Mortsauf: + + How many things I had to say to you when I reached the house! I + thought of them on the way, but I forgot them in your presence. + Yes, when I see you, dear Henriette, I find my thoughts no longer + in keeping with the light from your soul which heightens your + beauty; then, too, the happiness of being near you is so ineffable + as to efface all other feelings. Each time we meet I am born into + a broader life; I am like the traveller who climbs a rock and sees + before him a new horizon. Each time you talk with me I add new + treasures to my treasury. There lies, I think, the secret of long + and inexhaustible affections. I can only speak to you of yourself + when away from you. In your presence I am too dazzled to see, too + happy to question my happiness, too full of you to be myself, too + eloquent through you to speak, too eager in seizing the present + moment to remember the past. You must think of this state of + intoxication and forgive me its consequent mistakes. + + When near you I can only feel. Yet, I have courage to say, dear + Henriette, that never, in all the many joys you have given me, + never did I taste such joy as filled my soul when, after that + dreadful storm through which you struggled with superhuman + courage, you came to yourself alone with me, in the twilight of + your chamber where that unhappy scene had brought me. I alone + know the light that shines from a woman when through the portals + of death she re-enters life with the dawn of a rebirth tinting her + brow. What harmonies were in your voice! How words, even your + words, seemed paltry when the sound of that adored voice--in + itself the echo of past pains mingled with divine consolations-- + blessed me with the gift of your first thought. I knew you were + brilliant with all human splendor, but yesterday I found a new + Henriette, who might be mine if God so willed; I beheld a spirit + freed from the bodily trammels which repress the ardors of the + soul. Ah! thou wert beautiful indeed in thy weakness, majestic in + thy prostration. Yesterday I found something more beautiful than + thy beauty, sweeter than thy voice; lights more sparkling than the + light of thine eyes, perfumes for which there are no words-- + yesterday thy soul was visible and palpable. Would I could have + opened my heart and made thee live there! Yesterday I lost the + respectful timidity with which thy presence inspires me; thy + weakness brought us nearer together. Then, when the crisis passed + and thou couldst bear our atmosphere once more, I knew what it was + to breathe in unison with thy breath. How many prayers rose up to + heaven in that moment! Since I did not die as I rushed through + space to ask of God that he would leave thee with me, no human + creature can die of joy nor yet of sorrow. That moment has left + memories buried in my soul which never again will reappear upon + its surface and leave me tearless. Yes, the fears with which my + soul was tortured yesterday are incomparably greater than all + sorrows that the future can bring upon me, just as the joys which + thou hast given me, dear eternal thought of my life! will be + forever greater than any future joy God may be pleased to grant + me. Thou hast made me comprehend the love divine, that sure love, + sure in strength and in duration, that knows no doubt or jealousy. + +Deepest melancholy gnawed my soul; the glimpse into that hidden life +was agonizing to a young heart new to social emotions; it was an awful +thing to find this abyss at the opening of life,--a bottomless abyss, +a Dead Sea. This dreadful aggregation of misfortunes suggested many +thoughts; at my first step into social life I found a standard of +comparison by which all other events and circumstances must seem +petty. + +The next day when I entered the salon she was there alone. She looked +at me for a moment, held out her hand, and said, "My friend is always +too tender." Her eyes grew moist; she rose, and then she added, in a +tone of desperate entreaty, "Never write thus to me again." + +Monsieur de Mortsauf was very kind. The countess had recovered her +courage and serenity; but her pallor betrayed the sufferings of the +previous night, which were calmed, but not extinguished. That evening +she said to me, as she paced among the autumn leaves which rustled +beneath our footsteps, "Sorrow is infinite; joys are limited,"--words +which betrayed her sufferings by the comparison she made with the +fleeting delights of the previous week. + +"Do not slander life," I said to her. "You are ignorant of love; love +gives happiness which shines in heaven." + +"Hush!" she said. "I wish to know nothing of it. The Icelander would +die in Italy. I am calm and happy beside you; I can tell you all my +thoughts; do not destroy my confidence. Why will you not combine the +virtue of the priest with the charm of a free man." + +"You make me drink the hemlock!" I cried, taking her hand and laying +it on my heart, which was beating fast. + +"Again!" she said, withdrawing her hand as if it pained her. "Are you +determined to deny me the sad comfort of letting my wounds be stanched +by a friendly hand? Do not add to my sufferings; you do not know them +all; those that are hidden are the worst to bear. If you were a woman +you would know the melancholy disgust that fills her soul when she +sees herself the object of attentions which atone for nothing, but are +thought to atone for all. For the next few days I shall be courted and +caressed, that I may pardon the wrong that has been done. I could then +obtain consent to any wish of mine, however unreasonable. I am +humiliated by his humility, by caresses which will cease as soon as he +imagines that I have forgotten that scene. To owe our master's good +graces to his faults--" + +"His crimes!" I interrupted quickly. + +"Is not that a frightful condition of existence?" she continued, with +a sad smile. "I cannot use this transient power. At such times I am +like the knights who could not strike a fallen adversary. To see in +the dust a man whom we ought to honor, to raise him only to enable him +to deal other blows, to suffer from his degradation more than he +suffers himself, to feel ourselves degraded if we profit by such +influence for even a useful end, to spend our strength, to waste the +vigor of our souls in struggles that have no grandeur, to have no +power except for a moment when a fatal crisis comes--ah, better death! +If I had no children I would let myself drift on the wretched current +of this life; but if I lose my courage, what will become of them? I +must live for them, however cruel this life may be. You talk to me of +love. Ah! my dear friend, think of the hell into which I should fling +myself if I gave that pitiless being, pitiless like all weak +creatures, the right to despise me. The purity of my conduct is my +strength. Virtue, dear friend, is holy water in which we gain fresh +strength, from which we issue renewed in the love of God." + +"Listen to me, dear Henriette; I have only another week to stay here, +and I wish--" + +"Ah, you mean to leave us!" she exclaimed. + +"You must know what my father intends to do with me," I replied. "It +is now three months--" + +"I have not counted the days," she said, with momentary self- +abandonment. Then she checked herself and cried, "Come, let us go to +Frapesle." + +She called the count and the children, sent for a shawl, and when all +were ready she, usually so calm and slow in all her movements, became +as active as a Parisian, and we started in a body to pay a visit at +Frapesle which the countess did not owe. She forced herself to talk to +Madame de Chessel, who was fortunately discursive in her answers. The +count and Monsieur de Chessel conversed on business. I was afraid the +former might boast of his carriage and horses; but he committed no +such solecisms. His neighbor questioned him about his projected +improvements at the Cassine and the Rhetoriere. I looked at the count, +wondering if he would avoid a subject of conversation so full of +painful memories to all, so cruelly mortifying to him. On the +contrary, he explained how urgent a duty it was to better the +agricultural condition of the canton, to build good houses and make +the premises salubrious; in short, he glorified himself with his +wife's ideas. I blushed as I looked at her. Such want of scruple in a +man who, on certain occasions, could be scrupulous enough, this +oblivion of the dreadful scene, this adoption of ideas against which +he had fought so violently, this confident belief in himself, +petrified me. + +When Monsieur de Chessel said to him, "Do you expect to recover your +outlay?" + +"More than recover it!" he exclaimed, with a confident gesture. + +Such contradictions can be explained only by the word "insanity." +Henriette, celestial creature, was radiant. The count was appearing to +be a man of intelligence, a good administrator, an excellent +agriculturist; she played with her boy's curly head, joyous for him, +happy for herself. What a comedy of pain, what mockery in this drama; +I was horrified by it. Later in life, when the curtain of the world's +stage was lifted before me, how many other Mortsaufs I saw without the +loyalty and the religious faith of this man. What strange, relentless +power is it that perpetually awards an angel to a madman; to a man of +heart, of true poetic passion, a base woman; to the petty, grandeur; +to this demented brain, a beautiful, sublime being; to Juana, Captain +Diard, whose history at Bordeaux I have told you; to Madame de +Beauseant, an Ajuda; to Madame d'Aiglemont, her husband; to the +Marquis d'Espard, his wife! Long have I sought the meaning of this +enigma. I have ransacked many mysteries, I have discovered the reason +of many natural laws, the purport of some divine hieroglyphics; of the +meaning of this dark secret I know nothing. I study it as I would the +form of an Indian weapon, the symbolic construction of which is known +only to the Brahmans. In this dread mystery the spirit of Evil is too +visibly the master; I dare not lay the blame to God. Anguish +irremediable, what power finds amusement in weaving you? Can Henriette +and her mysterious philosopher be right? Does their mysticism contain +the explanation of humanity? + +The autumn leaves were falling during the last few days which I passed +in the valley, days of lowering clouds, which do sometimes obscure the +heaven of Touraine, so pure, so warm at that fine season. The evening +before my departure Madame de Mortsauf took me to the terrace before +dinner. + +"My dear Felix," she said, after we had taken a turn in silence under +the leafless trees, "you are about to enter the world, and I wish to +go with you in thought. Those who have suffered much have lived and +known much. Do not think that solitary souls know nothing of the +world; on the contrary, they are able to judge it. Hear me: If I am to +live in and for my friend I must do what I can for his heart and for +his conscience. When the conflict rages it is hard to remember rules; +therefore let me give you a few instructions, the warnings of a mother +to her son. The day you leave us I shall give you a letter, a long +letter, in which you will find my woman's thoughts on the world, on +society, on men, on the right methods of meeting difficulty in this +great clash of human interests. Promise me not to read this letter +till you reach Paris. I ask it from a fanciful sentiment, one of those +secrets of womanhood not impossible to understand, but which we grieve +to find deciphered; leave me this covert way where as a woman I wish +to walk alone." + +"Yes, I promise it," I said, kissing her hand. + +"Ah," she added, "I have one more promise to ask of you; but grant it +first." + +"Yes, yes!" I cried, thinking it was surely a promise of fidelity. + +"It does not concern myself," she said smiling, with some bitterness. +"Felix, do not gamble in any house, no matter whose it be; I except +none." + +"I will never play at all," I replied. + +"Good," she said. "I have found a better use for your time than to +waste it on cards. The end will be that where others must sooner or +later be losers you will invariably win." + +"How so?" + +"The letter will tell you," she said, with a playful smile, which took +from her advice the serious tone which might certainly have been that +of a grandfather. + +The countess talked to me for an hour, and proved the depth of her +affection by the study she had made of my nature during the last three +months. She penetrated the recesses of my heart, entering it with her +own; the tones of her voice were changeful and convincing; the words +fell from maternal lips, showing by their tone as well as by their +meaning how many ties already bound us to each other. + +"If you knew," she said in conclusion, "with what anxiety I shall +follow your course, what joy I shall feel if you walk straight, what +tears I must shed if you strike against the angles! Believe that my +affection has no equal; it is involuntary and yet deliberate. Ah, I +would that I might see you happy, powerful, respected,--you who are to +me a living dream." + +She made me weep, so tender and so terrible was she. Her feelings came +boldly to the surface, yet they were too pure to give the slightest +hope even to a young man thirsting for pleasure. Ignoring my tortured +flesh, she shed the rays, undeviating, incorruptible, of the divine +love, which satisfies the soul only. She rose to heights whither the +prismatic pinions of a love like mine were powerless to bear me. To +reach her a man must needs have won the white wings of the seraphim. + +"In all that happens to me I will ask myself," I said, "'What would my +Henriette say?'" + +"Yes, I will be the star and the sanctuary both," she said, alluding +to the dreams of my childhood. + +"You are my light and my religion," I cried; "you shall be my all." + +"No," she answered; "I can never be the source of your pleasures." + +She sighed; the smile of secret pain was on her lips, the smile of the +slave who momentarily revolts. From that day forth she was to me, not +merely my beloved, but my only love; she was not IN my heart as a +woman who takes a place, who makes it hers by devotion or by excess of +pleasure given; but she was my heart itself,--it was all hers, a +something necessary to the play of my muscles. She became to me as +Beatrice to the Florentine, as the spotless Laura to the Venetian, the +mother of great thoughts, the secret cause of resolutions which saved +me, the support of my future, the light shining in the darkness like a +lily in a wood. Yes, she inspired those high resolves which pass +through flames, which save the thing in peril; she gave me a constancy +like Coligny's to vanquish conquerors, to rise above defeat, to weary +the strongest wrestler. + +The next day, having breakfasted at Frapesle and bade adieu to my kind +hosts, I went to Clochegourde. Monsieur and Madame de Mortsauf had +arranged to drive with me to Tours, whence I was to start the same +night for Paris. During the drive the countess was silent; she +pretended at first to have a headache; then she blushed at the +falsehood, and expiated it by saying that she could not see me go +without regret. The count invited me to stay with them whenever, in +the absence of the Chessels, I might long to see the valley of the +Indre once more. We parted heroically, without apparent tears, but +Jacques, who like other delicate children was quickly touched, began +to cry, while Madeleine, already a woman, pressed her mother's hand. + +"Dear little one!" said the countess, kissing Jacques passionately. + +When I was alone at Tours after dinner a wild, inexplicable desire +known only to young blood possessed me. I hired a horse and rode from +Tours to Pont-de-Ruan in an hour and a quarter. There, ashamed of my +folly, I dismounted, and went on foot along the road, stepping +cautiously like a spy till I reached the terrace. The countess was not +there, and I imagined her ill; I had kept the key of the little gate, +by which I now entered; she was coming down the steps of the portico +with the two children to breathe in sadly and slowly the tender +melancholy of the landscape, bathed at that moment in the setting sun. + +"Mother, here is Felix," said Madeleine. + +"Yes," I whispered; "it is I. I asked myself why I should stay at +Tours while I still could see you; why not indulge a desire that in a +few days more I could not gratify." + +"He won't leave us again, mother," cried Jacques, jumping round me. + +"Hush!" said Madeleine; "if you make such a noise the general will +come." + +"It is not right," she said. "What folly!" + +The tears in her voice were the payment of what must be called a +usurious speculation of love. + +"I had forgotten to return this key," I said smiling. + +"Then you will never return," she said. + +"Can we ever be really parted?" I asked, with a look which made her +drop her eyelids for all answer. + +I left her after a few moments passed in that happy stupor of the +spirit where exaltation ends and ecstasy begins. I went with lagging +step, looking back at every minute. When, from the summit of the hill, +I saw the valley for the last time I was struck with the contrast it +presented to what it was when I first came there. Then it was verdant, +then it glowed, glowed and blossomed like my hopes and my desires. +Initiated now into the gloomy secrets of a family, sharing the anguish +of a Christian Niobe, sad with her sadness, my soul darkened, I saw +the valley in the tone of my own thoughts. The fields were bare, the +leaves of the poplars falling, the few that remained were rusty, the +vine-stalks were burned, the tops of the trees were tan-colored, like +the robes in which royalty once clothed itself as if to hide the +purple of its power beneath the brown of grief. Still in harmony with +my thoughts, the valley, where the yellow rays of the setting sun were +coldly dying, seemed to me a living image of my heart. + +To leave a beloved woman is terrible or natural, according as the mind +takes it. For my part, I found myself suddenly in a strange land of +which I knew not the language. I was unable to lay hold of things to +which my soul no longer felt attachment. Then it was that the height +and the breadth of my love came before me; my Henriette rose in all +her majesty in this desert where I existed only through thoughts of +her. That form so worshipped made me vow to keep myself spotless +before my soul's divinity, to wear ideally the white robe of the +Levite, like Petrarch, who never entered Laura's presence unless +clothed in white. With what impatience I awaited the first night of my +return to my father's roof, when I could read the letter which I felt +of during the journey as a miser fingers the bank-bills he carries +about him. During the night I kissed the paper on which my Henriette +had manifested her will; I sought to gather the mysterious emanations +of her hand, to recover the intonations of her voice in the hush of my +being. Since then I have never read her letters except as I read that +first letter; in bed, amid total silence. I cannot understand how the +letters of our beloved can be read in any other way; yet there are +men, unworthy to be loved, who read such letters in the turmoil of the +day, laying them aside and taking them up again with odious composure. + +Here, Natalie, is the voice which echoed through the silence of that +night. Behold the noble figure which stood before me and pointed to +the right path among the cross-ways at which I stood. + + To Monsieur le Vicomte Felix de Vandenesse: + + What happiness for me, dear friend, to gather the scattered + elements of my experience that I may arm you against the dangers + of the world, through which I pray that you pass scatheless. I + have felt the highest pleasures of maternal love as night after + night I have thought of these things. While writing this letter, + sentence by sentence, projecting my thoughts into the life you are + about to lead, I went often to my window. Looking at the towers of + Frapesle, visible in the moonlight, I said to myself, "He sleeps, + I wake for him." Delightful feelings! which recall the happiest of + my life, when I watched Jacques sleeping in his cradle and waited + till he wakened, to feed him with my milk. You are the man-child + whose soul must now be strengthened by precepts never taught in + schools, but which we women have the privilege of inculcating. + These precepts will influence your success; they prepare the way + for it, they will secure it. Am I not exercising a spiritual + motherhood in giving you a standard by which to judge the actions + of your life; a motherhood comprehended, is it not, by the child? + Dear Felix, let me, even though I may make a few mistakes, let me + give to our friendship a proof of the disinterestedness which + sanctifies it. + + In yielding you to the world I am renouncing you; but I love you + too well not to sacrifice my happiness to your welfare. For the + last four months you have made me reflect deeply on the laws and + customs which regulate our epoch. The conversations I have had + with my aunt, well-known to you who have replaced her, the events + of Monsieur de Mortsauf's life, which he has told me, the tales + related by my father, to whom society and the court are familiar + in their greatest as well as in their smallest aspects, all these + have risen in my memory for the benefit of my adopted child at the + moment when he is about to be launched, well-nigh alone, among + men; about to act without adviser in a world where many are + wrecked by their own best qualities thoughtlessly displayed, while + others succeed through a judicious use of their worst. + + I ask you to ponder this statement of my opinion of society as a + whole; it is concise, for to you a few words are sufficient. + + I do not know whether societies are of divine origin or whether + they were invented by man. I am equally ignorant of the direction + in which they tend. What I do know certainly is the fact of their + existence. No sooner therefore do you enter society, instead of + living a life apart, than you are bound to consider its conditions + binding; a contract is signed between you. Does society in these + days gain more from a man than it returns to him? I think so; but + as to whether the individual man finds more cost than profit, or + buys too dear the advantages he obtains, concerns the legislator + only; I have nothing to say to that. In my judgment you are bound + to obey in all things the general law, without discussion, whether + it injures or benefits your personal interests. This principle may + seem to you a very simple one, but it is difficult of application; + it is like sap, which must infiltrate the smallest of the + capillary tubes to stir the tree, renew its verdure, develop its + flowers, and ripen fruit. Dear, the laws of society are not all + written in a book; manners and customs create laws, the more + important of which are often the least known. Believe me, there + are neither teachers, nor schools, nor text-books for the laws + that are now to regulate your actions, your language, your visible + life, the manner of your presentation to the world, and your quest + of fortune. Neglect those secret laws or fail to understand them, + and you stay at the foot of the social system instead of looking + down upon it. Even though this letter may seem to you diffuse, + telling you much that you have already thought, let me confide to + you a woman's ethics. + + To explain society on the theory of individual happiness adroitly + won at the cost of the greater number is a monstrous doctrine, + which in its strict application leads men to believe that all they + can secretly lay hold of before the law or society or other + individuals condemn it as a wrong is honestly and fairly theirs. + Once admit that claim and the clever thief goes free; the woman + who violates her marriage vow without the knowledge of the world + is virtuous and happy; kill a man, leaving no proof for justice, + and if, like Macbeth, you win a crown you have done wisely; your + selfish interests become the higher law; the only question then is + how to evade, without witnesses or proof, the obstacles which law + and morality place between you and your self-indulgence. To those + who hold this view of society, the problem of making their + fortune, my dear friend, resolves itself into playing a game where + the stakes are millions or the galleys, political triumphs or + dishonor. Still, the green cloth is not long enough for all the + players, and a certain kind of genius is required to play the + game. I say nothing of religious beliefs, nor yet of feelings; + what concerns us now is the running-gear of the great machine of + gold and iron, and its practical results with which men's lives + are occupied. Dear child of my heart, if you share my horror at + this criminal theory of the world, society will present to your + mind, as it does to all sane minds, the opposite theory of duty. + Yes, you will see that man owes himself to man in a thousand + differing ways. To my mind, the duke and peer owe far more to the + workman and the pauper than the pauper and the workman owe to the + duke. The obligations of duty enlarge in proportion to the + benefits which society bestows on men; in accordance with the + maxim, as true in social politics as in business, that the burden + of care and vigilance is everywhere in proportion to profits. Each + man pays his debt in his own way. When our poor toiler at the + Rhetoriere comes home weary with his day's work has he not done + his duty? Assuredly he has done it better than many in the ranks + above him. + + If you take this view of society, in which you are about to seek a + place in keeping with your intellect and your faculties, you must + set before you as a generating principle and mainspring, this + maxim: never permit yourself to act against either your own + conscience or the public conscience. Though my entreaty may seem + to you superfluous, yet I entreat, yes, your Henriette implores + you to ponder the meaning of that rule. It seems simple but, dear, + it means that integrity, loyalty, honor, and courtesy are the + safest and surest instruments for your success. In this selfish + world you will find many to tell you that a man cannot make his + way by sentiments, that too much respect for moral considerations + will hinder his advance. It is not so; you will see men ill- + trained, ill-taught, incapable of measuring the future, who are + rough to a child, rude to an old woman, unwilling to be irked by + some worthy old man on the ground that they can do nothing for + him; later, you will find the same men caught by the thorns which + they might have rendered pointless, and missing their triumph for + some trivial reason; whereas the man who is early trained to a + sense of duty does not meet the same obstacles; he may attain + success less rapidly, but when attained it is solid and does not + crumble like that of others. + + When I show you that the application of this doctrine demands in + the first place a mastery of the science of manners, you may think + my jurisprudence has a flavor of the court and of the training I + received as a Lenoncourt. My dear friend, I do attach great + importance to that training, trifling as it seems. You will find + that the habits of the great world are as important to you as the + wide and varied knowledge that you possess. Often they take the + place of such knowledge; for some really ignorant men, born with + natural gifts and accustomed to give connection to their ideas, + have been known to attain a grandeur never reached by others far + more worthy of it. I have studied you thoroughly, Felix, wishing + to know if your education, derived wholly from schools, has + injured your nature. God knows the joy with which I find you fit + for that further education of which I speak. + + The manners of many who are brought up in the traditions of the + great world are purely external; true politeness, perfect manners, + come from the heart, and from a deep sense of personal dignity. + This is why some men of noble birth are, in spite of their + training, ill-mannered, while others, among the middle classes, + have instinctive good taste and only need a few lessons to give + them excellent manners without any signs of awkward imitation. + Believe a poor woman who no longer leaves her valley when she + tells you that this dignity of tone, this courteous simplicity in + words, in gesture, in bearing, and even in the character of the + home, is a living and material poem, the charm of which is + irresistible; imagine therefore what it is when it takes its + inspiration from the heart. Politeness, dear, consists in seeming + to forget ourselves for others; with many it is social cant, laid + aside when personal self-interest shows its cloven-foot; a noble + then becomes ignoble. But--and this is what I want you to + practise, Felix--true politeness involves a Christian principle; + it is the flower of Love, it requires that we forget ourselves + really. In memory of your Henriette, for her sake, be not a + fountain without water, have the essence and the form of true + courtesy. Never fear to be the dupe and victim of this social + virtue; you will some day gather the fruit of seeds scattered + apparently to the winds. + + My father used to say that one of the great offences of sham + politeness was the neglect of promises. When anything is demanded + of you that you cannot do, refuse positively and leave no + loopholes for false hopes; on the other hand, grant at once + whatever you are willing to bestow. Your prompt refusal will make + you friends as well as your prompt benefit, and your character + will stand the higher; for it is hard to say whether a promise + forgotten, a hope deceived does not make us more enemies than a + favor granted brings us friends. + + Dear friend, there are certain little matters on which I may + dwell, for I know them, and it comes within my province to impart + them. Be not too confiding, nor frivolous, nor over enthusiastic, + --three rocks on which youth often strikes. Too confiding a nature + loses respect, frivolity brings contempt, and others take + advantage of excessive enthusiasm. In the first place, Felix, you + will never have more than two or three friends in the course of + your life. Your entire confidence is their right; to give it to + many is to betray your real friends. If you are more intimate with + some men than with others keep guard over yourself; be as cautious + as though you knew they would one day be your rivals, or your + enemies; the chances and changes of life require this. Maintain an + attitude which is neither cold nor hot; find the medium point at + which a man can safely hold intercourse with others without + compromising himself. Yes, believe me, the honest man is as far + from the base cowardice of Philinte as he is from the harsh virtue + of Alceste. The genius of the poet is displayed in the mind of + this true medium; certainly all minds do enjoy more the ridicule + of virtue than the sovereign contempt of easy-going selfishness + which underlies that picture of it; but all, nevertheless, are + prompted to keep themselves from either extreme. + + As to frivolity, if it causes fools to proclaim you a charming + man, others who are accustomed to judge of men's capacities and + fathom character, will winnow out your tare and bring you to + disrepute, for frivolity is the resource of weak natures, and + weakness is soon appraised in a society which regards its members + as nothing more than organs--and perhaps justly, for nature + herself puts to death imperfect beings. A woman's protecting + instincts may be roused by the pleasure she feels in supporting + the weak against the strong, and in leading the intelligence of + the heart to victory over the brutality of matter; but society, + less a mother than a stepmother, adores only the children who + flatter her vanity. + + As to ardent enthusiasm, that first sublime mistake of youth, + which finds true happiness in using its powers, and begins by + being its own dupe before it is the dupe of others, keep it within + the region of the heart's communion, keep it for woman and for + God. Do not hawk its treasures in the bazaars of society or of + politics, where trumpery will be offered in exchange for them. + Believe the voice which commands you to be noble in all things + when it also prays you not to expend your forces uselessly. + Unhappily, men will rate you according to your usefulness, and not + according to your worth. To use an image which I think will strike + your poetic mind, let a cipher be what it may, immeasurable in + size, written in gold, or written in pencil, it is only a cipher + after all. A man of our times has said, "No zeal, above all, no + zeal!" The lesson may be sad, but it is true, and it saves the + soul from wasting its bloom. Hide your pure sentiments, or put + them in regions inaccessible, where their blossoms may be + passionately admired, where the artist may dream amorously of his + master-piece. But duties, my friend, are not sentiments. To do + what we ought is by no means to do what we like. A man who would + give his life enthusiastically for a woman must be ready to die + coldly for his country. + + One of the most important rules in the science of manners is that + of almost absolute silence about ourselves. Play a little comedy + for your own instruction; talk of yourself to acquaintances, tell + them about your sufferings, your pleasures, your business, and you + will see how indifference succeeds pretended interest; then + annoyance follows, and if the mistress of the house does not find + some civil way of stopping you the company will disappear under + various pretexts adroitly seized. Would you, on the other hand, + gather sympathies about you and be spoken of as amiable and witty, + and a true friend? talk to others of themselves, find a way to + bring them forward, and brows will clear, lips will smile, and + after you leave the room all present will praise you. Your + conscience and the voice of your own heart will show you the line + where the cowardice of flattery begins and the courtesy of + intercourse ceases. + + One word more about a young man's demeanor in public. My dear + friend, youth is always inclined to a rapidity of judgment which + does it honor, but also injury. This was why the old system of + education obliged young people to keep silence and study life in a + probationary period beside their elders. Formerly, as you know, + nobility, like art, had its apprentices, its pages, devoted body + and soul to the masters who maintained them. To-day youth is + forced in a hot-house; it is trained to judge of thoughts, + actions, and writings with biting severity; it slashes with a + blade that has not been fleshed. Do not make this mistake. Such + judgments will seem like censures to many about you, who would + sooner pardon an open rebuke than a secret wound. Young people are + pitiless because they know nothing of life and its difficulties. + The old critic is kind and considerate, the young critic is + implacable; the one knows nothing, the other knows all. Moreover, + at the bottom of all human actions there is a labyrinth of + determining reasons on which God reserves for himself the final + judgment. Be severe therefore to none but yourself. + + Your future is before you; but no one in the world can make his + way unaided. Therefore, make use of my father's house; its doors + are open to you; the connections that you will create for yourself + under his roof will serve you in a hundred ways. But do not yield + an inch of ground to my mother; she will crush any one who gives + up to her, but she will admire the courage of whoever resists her. + She is like iron, which if beaten, can be fused with iron, but + when cold will break everything less hard than itself. Cultivate + my mother; for if she thinks well of you she will introduce you + into certain houses where you can acquire the fatal science of the + world, the art of listening, speaking, answering, presenting + yourself to the company and taking leave of it; the precise use of + language, the something--how shall I explain it?--which is no more + superiority than the coat is the man, but without which the + highest talent in the world will never be admitted within those + portals. + + I know you well enough to be quite sure I indulge no illusion when + I imagine that I see you as I wish you to be; simple in manners, + gentle in tone, proud without conceit, respectful to the old, + courteous without servility, above all, discreet. Use your wit but + never display it for the amusement of others; for be sure that if + your brilliancy annoys an inferior man, he will retire from the + field and say of you in a tone of contempt, "He is very amusing." + Let your superiority be leonine. Moreover, do not be always + seeking to please others. I advise a certain coldness in your + relations with men, which may even amount to indifference; this + will not anger others, for all persons esteem those who slight + them; and it will win you the favor of women, who will respect you + for the little consequence that you attach to men. Never remain in + company with those who have lost their reputation, even though + they may not have deserved to do so; for society holds us + responsible for our friendships as well as for our enmities. In + this matter let your judgments be slowly and maturely weighed, but + see that they are irrevocable. When the men whom you have repulsed + justify the repulsion, your esteem and regard will be all the more + sought after; you have inspired the tacit respect which raises a + man among his peers. I behold you now armed with a youth that + pleases, grace which attracts, and wisdom with which to preserve + your conquests. All that I have now told you can be summed up in + two words, two old-fashioned words, "Noblesse oblige." + + Now apply these precepts to the management of life. You will hear + many persons say that strategy is the chief element of success; + that the best way to press through the crowd is to set some men + against other men and so take their places. That was a good system + for the Middle Ages, when princes had to destroy their rivals by + pitting one against the other; but in these days, all things being + done in open day, I am afraid it would do you ill-service. No, you + must meet your competitors face to face, be they loyal and true + men, or traitorous enemies whose weapons are calumny, evil- + speaking, and fraud. But remember this, you have no more powerful + auxiliaries than these men themselves; they are their own enemies; + fight them with honest weapons, and sooner or later they are + condemned. As to the first of them, loyal men and true, your + straightforwardness will obtain their respect, and the differences + between you once settled (for all things can be settled), these + men will serve you. Do not be afraid of making enemies; woe to him + who has none in the world you are about to enter; but try to give + no handle for ridicule or disparagement. I say TRY, for in Paris a + man cannot always belong solely to himself; he is sometimes at the + mercy of circumstances; you will not always be able to avoid the + mud in the gutter nor the tile that falls from the roof. The moral + world has gutters where persons of no reputation endeavor to + splash the mud in which they live upon men of honor. But you can + always compel respect by showing that you are, under all + circumstances, immovable in your principles. In the conflict of + opinions, in the midst of quarrels and cross-purposes, go straight + to the point, keep resolutely to the question; never fight except + for the essential thing, and put your whole strength into that. + You know how Monsieur de Mortsauf hates Napoleon, how he curses + him and pursues him as justice does a criminal; demanding + punishment day and night for the death of the Duc d'Enghien, the + only death, the only misfortune, that ever brought the tears to + his eyes; well, he nevertheless admired him as the greatest of + captains, and has often explained to me his strategy. May not the + same tactics be applied to the war of human interests; they would + economize time as heretofore they economized men and space. Think + this over, for as a woman I am liable to be mistaken on such + points which my sex judges only by instinct and sentiment. One + point, however, I may insist on; all trickery, all deception, is + certain to be discovered and to result in doing harm; whereas + every situation presents less danger if a man plants himself + firmly on his own truthfulness. If I may cite my own case, I can + tell you that, obliged as I am by Monsieur de Mortsauf's condition + to avoid litigation and to bring to an immediate settlement all + difficulties which arise in the management of Clochegourde, and + which would otherwise cause him an excitement under which his mind + would succumb, I have invariably settled matters promptly by + taking hold of the knot of the difficulty and saying to our + opponents: "We will either untie it or cut it!" + + It will often happen that you do a service to others and find + yourself ill-rewarded; I beg you not to imitate those who complain + of men and declare them to be all ungrateful. That is putting + themselves on a pedestal indeed! and surely it is somewhat silly + to admit their lack of knowledge of the world. But you, I trust, + will not do good as a usurer lends his money; you will do it--will + you not?--for good's sake. Noblesse oblige. Nevertheless, do not + bestow such services as to force others to ingratitude, for if you + do, they will become your most implacable enemies; obligations + sometimes lead to despair, like the despair of ruin itself, which + is capable of very desperate efforts. As for yourself, accept as + little as you can from others. Be no man's vassal; and bring + yourself out of your own difficulties. + + You see, dear friend, I am advising you only on the lesser points + of life. In the world of politics things wear a different aspect; + the rules which are to guide your individual steps give way before + the national interests. If you reach that sphere where great men + revolve you will be, like God himself, the sole arbiter of your + determinations. You will no longer be a man, but law, the living + law; no longer an individual, you are then the Nation incarnate. + But remember this, though you judge, you will yourself be judged; + hereafter you will be summoned before the ages, and you know + history well enough to be fully informed as to what deeds and what + sentiments have led to true grandeur. + + I now come to a serious matter, your conduct towards women. + Wherever you visit make it a principle not to fritter yourself + away in a petty round of gallantry. A man of the last century who + had great social success never paid attention to more than one + woman of an evening, choosing the one who seemed the most + neglected. That man, my dear child, controlled his epoch. He + wisely reckoned that by a given time all women would speak well of + him. Many young men waste their most precious possession, namely, + the time necessary to create connections which contribute more + than all else to social success. Your springtime is short, + endeavor to make the most of it. Cultivate influential women. + Influential women are old women; they will teach you the + intermarriages and the secrets of all the families of the great + world; they will show you the cross-roads which will bring you + soonest to your goal. They will be fond of you. The bestowal of + protection is their last form of love--when they are not devout. + They will do you innumerable good services; sing your praises and + make you desirable to society. Avoid young women. Do not think I + say this from personal self-interest. The woman of fifty will do + all for you, the woman of twenty will do nothing; she wants your + whole life while the other asks only a few attentions. Laugh with + the young women, meet them for pastime merely; they are incapable + of serious thought. Young women, dear friend, are selfish, vain, + petty, ignorant of true friendship; they love no one but + themselves; they would sacrifice you to an evening's success. + Besides, they all want absolute devotion, and your present + situation requires that devotion be shown to you; two + irreconcilable needs! None of these young women would enter into + your interests; they would think of themselves and not of you; + they would injure you more by their emptiness and frivolity than + they could serve you by their love; they will waste your time + unscrupulously, hinder your advance to fortune, and end by + destroying your future with the best grace possible. If you + complain, the silliest of them will make you think that her glove + is more precious than fortune, and that nothing is so glorious as + to be her slave. They will all tell you that they bestow + happiness, and thus lull you to forget your nobler destiny. + Believe me, the happiness they give is transitory; your great + career will endure. You know not with what perfidious cleverness + they contrive to satisfy their caprices, nor the art with which + they will convert your passing fancy into a love which ought to be + eternal. The day when they abandon you they will tell you that the + words, "I no longer love you," are a full justification of their + conduct, just as the words, "I love," justified their winning you; + they will declare that love is involuntary and not to be coerced. + Absurd! Believe me, dear, true love is eternal, infinite, always + like unto itself; it is equable, pure, without violent + demonstration; white hair often covers the head but the heart that + holds it is ever young. No such love is found among the women of + the world; all are playing comedy; this one will interest you by + her misfortunes; she seems the gentlest and least exacting of her + sex, but when once she is necessary to you, you will feel the + tyranny of weakness and will do her will; you may wish to be a + diplomat, to go and come, and study men and interests,--no, you + must stay in Paris, or at her country-place, sewn to her + petticoat, and the more devotion you show the more ungrateful and + exacting she will be. Another will attract you by her + submissiveness; she will be your attendant, follow you + romantically about, compromise herself to keep you, and be the + millstone about your neck. You will drown yourself some day, but + the woman will come to the surface. + + The least manoeuvring of these women of the world have many nets. + The silliest triumph because too foolish to excite distrust. The + one to be feared least may be the woman of gallantry whom you love + without exactly knowing why; she will leave you for no motive and + go back to you out of vanity. All these women will injure you, + either in the present or the future. Every young woman who enters + society and lives a life of pleasure and of gratified vanity is + semi-corrupt and will corrupt you. Among them you will not find + the chaste and tranquil being in whom you may forever reign. Ah! + she who loves you will love solitude; the festivals of her heart + will be your glances; she will live upon your words. May she be + all the world to you, for you will be all in all to her. Love her + well; give her neither griefs nor rivals; do not rouse her + jealousy. To be loved, dear, to be comprehended, is the greatest + of all joys; I pray that you may taste it! But run no risk of + injuring the flower of your soul; be sure, be very sure of the + heart in which you place your affections. That woman will never be + her own self; she will never think of herself, but of you. She + will never oppose you, she will have no interests of her own; for + you she will see a danger where you can see none and where she + would be oblivious of her own. If she suffers it will be in + silence; she will have no personal vanity, but deep reverence for + whatever in her has won your love. Respond to such a love by + surpassing it. If you are fortunate enough to find that which I, + your poor friend, must ever be without, I mean a love mutually + inspired, mutually felt, remember that in a valley lives a mother + whose heart is so filled with the feelings you have put there that + you can never sound its depths. Yes, I bear you an affection which + you will never know to its full extent; before it could show + itself for what it is you would have to lose your mind and + intellect, and then you would be unable to comprehend the length + and breadth of my devotion. + + Shall I be misunderstood in bidding you avoid young women (all + more or less artful, satirical, vain, frivolous, and extravagant) + and attach yourself to influential women, to those imposing + dowagers full of excellent good-sense, like my aunt, who will help + your career, defend you from attacks, and say for you the things + that you cannot say for yourself? Am I not, on the contrary, + generous in bidding you reserve your love for the coming angel + with the guileless heart? If the motto Noblesse oblige sums up the + advice I gave you just now, my further advice on your relations to + women is based upon that other motto of chivalry, "Serve all, love + one!" + + Your educational knowledge is immense; your heart, saved by early + suffering, is without a stain; all is noble, all is well with you. + Now, Felix, WILL! Your future lies in that one word, that word of + great men. My child, you will obey your Henriette, will you not? + You will permit her to tell you from time to time the thoughts + that are in her mind of you and of your relations to the world? I + have an eye in my soul which sees the future for you as for my + children; suffer me to use that faculty for your benefit; it is a + faculty, a mysterious gift bestowed by my lonely life; far from + its growing weaker, I find it strengthened and exalted by solitude + and silence. + + I ask you in return to bestow a happiness on me; I desire to see + you becoming more and more important among men, without one single + success that shall bring a line of shame upon my brow; I desire + that you may quickly bring your fortunes to the level of your + noble name, and be able to tell me I have contributed to your + advancement by something better than a wish. This secret + co-operation in your future is the only pleasure I can allow + myself. For it, I will wait and hope. + + I do not say farewell. We are separated; you cannot put my hand to + your lips, but you must surely know the place you hold in the + heart of your + +Henriette. + + +As I read this letter I felt the maternal heart beating beneath my +fingers which held the paper while I was still cold from the harsh +greeting of my own mother. I understood why the countess had forbidden +me to open it in Touraine; no doubt she feared that I would fall at +her feet and wet them with my tears. + +I now made the acquaintance of my brother Charles, who up to this time +had been a stranger to me. But in all our intercourse he showed a +haughtiness which kept us apart and prevented brotherly affection. +Kindly feelings depend on similarity of soul, and there was no point +of touch between us. He preached to me dogmatically those social +trifles which head or heart can see without instruction; he seemed to +mistrust me. If I had not had the inward support of my great love he +would have made me awkward and stupid by affecting to believe that I +knew nothing of life. He presented me in society under the expectation +that my dulness would be a foil to his qualities. Had I not remembered +the sorrows of my childhood I might have taken his protecting vanity +for brotherly affection; but inward solitude produces the same effects +as outward solitude; silence within our souls enables us to hear the +faintest sound; the habit of taking refuge within ourselves develops a +perception which discerns every quality of the affections about us. +Before I knew Madame de Mortsauf a hard look grieved me, a rough word +wounded me to the heart; I bewailed these things without as yet +knowing anything of a life of tenderness; whereas now, since my return +from Clochegourde, I could make comparisons which perfected my +instinctive perceptions. All deductions derived only from sufferings +endured are incomplete. Happiness has a light to cast. I now allowed +myself the more willingly to be kept under the heel of primogeniture +because I was not my brother's dupe. + +I always went alone to the Duchesse de Lenoncourt's, where Henriette's +name was never mentioned; no one, except the good old duke, who was +simplicity itself, ever spoke of her to me; but by the way he welcomed +me I guessed that his daughter had privately commended me to his care. +At the moment when I was beginning to overcome the foolish wonder and +shyness which besets a young man at his first entrance into the great +world, and to realize the pleasures it could give through the +resources it offers to ambition, just, too, as I was beginning to make +use of Henriette's maxims, admiring their wisdom, the events of the +20th of March took place. + +My brother followed the court to Ghent; I, by Henriette's advice (for +I kept up a correspondence with her, active on my side only), went +there also with the Duc de Lenoncourt. The natural kindness of the old +duke turned to a hearty and sincere protection as soon as he saw me +attached, body and soul, to the Bourbons. He himself presented me to +his Majesty. Courtiers are not numerous when misfortunes are rife; but +youth is gifted with ingenuous admiration and uncalculating fidelity. +The king had the faculty of judging men; a devotion which might have +passed unobserved in Paris counted for much at Ghent, and I had the +happiness of pleasing Louis XVIII. + +A letter from Madame de Mortsauf to her father, brought with +despatches by an emissary of the Vendeens, enclosed a note to me by +which I learned that Jacques was ill. Monsieur de Mortsauf, in despair +at his son's ill-health, and also at the news of a second emigration, +added a few words which enabled me to guess the situation of my dear +one. Worried by him, no doubt, when she passed all her time at +Jacques' bedside, allowed no rest either day or night, superior to +annoyance, yet unable always to control herself when her whole soul +was given to the care of her child, Henriette needed the support of a +friendship which might lighten the burden of her life, were it only by +diverting her husband's mind. Though I was now most impatient to rival +the career of my brother, who had lately been sent to the Congress of +Vienna, and was anxious at any risk to justify Henriette's appeal and +become a man myself, freed from all vassalage, nevertheless my +ambition, my desire for independence, the great interest I had in not +leaving the king, all were of no account before the vision of Madame +de Mortsauf's sad face. I resolved to leave the court at Ghent and +serve my true sovereign. God rewarded me. The emissary sent by the +Vendeens was unable to return. The king wanted a messenger who would +faithfully carry back his instructions. The Duc de Lenoncourt knew +that the king would never forget the man who undertook so perilous an +enterprise; he asked for the mission without consulting me, and I +gladly accepted it, happy indeed to be able to return to Clochegourde +employed in the good cause. + +After an audience with the king I returned to France, where, both in +Paris and in Vendee, I was fortunate enough to carry out his Majesty's +instructions. Towards the end of May, being tracked by the Bonapartist +authorities to whom I was denounced, I was obliged to fly from place +to place in the character of a man endeavoring to get back to his +estate. I went on foot from park to park, from wood to wood, across +the whole of upper Vendee, the Bocage and Poitou, changing my +direction as danger threatened. + +I reached Saumur, from Saumur I went to Chinon, and from Chinon I +reached, in a single night, the woods of Nueil, where I met the count +on horseback; he took me up behind him and we reached Clochegourde +without passing any one who recognized me. + +"Jacques is better," were the first words he said to me. + +I explained to him my position of diplomatic postman, hunted like a +wild beast, and the brave gentleman in his quality of royalist claimed +the danger over Chessel of receiving me. As we came in sight of +Clochegourde the past eight months rolled away like a dream. When we +entered the salon the count said: "Guess whom I bring you?--Felix!" + +"Is it possible!" she said, with pendant arms and a bewildered face. + +I showed myself and we both remained motionless; she in her armchair, +I on the threshold of the door; looking at each other with that hunger +of the soul which endeavors to make up in a single glance for the lost +months. Then, recovering from a surprise which left her heart +unveiled, she rose and I went up to her. + +"I have prayed for your safety," she said, giving me her hand to kiss. + +She asked news of her father; then she guessed my weariness and went +to prepare my room, while the count gave me something to eat, for I +was dying of hunger. My room was the one above hers, her aunt's room; +she requested the count to take me there, after setting her foot on +the first step of the staircase, deliberating no doubt whether to +accompany me; I turned my head, she blushed, bade me sleep well, and +went away. When I came down to dinner I heard for the first time of +the disasters at Waterloo, the flight of Napoleon, the march of the +Allies to Paris, and the probable return of the Bourbons. These events +were all in all to the count; to us they were nothing. What think you +was the great event I was to learn, after kissing the children?--for I +will not dwell on the alarm I felt at seeing the countess pale and +shrunken; I knew the injury I might do by showing it and was careful +to express only joy at seeing her. But the great event for us was told +in the words, "You shall have ice to-day!" She had often fretted the +year before that the water was not cold enough for me, who, never +drinking anything else, liked it iced. God knows how many entreaties +it had cost her to get an ice-house built. You know better than any +one that a word, a look, an inflection of the voice, a trifling +attention, suffices for love; love's noblest privilege is to prove +itself by love. Well, her words, her look, her pleasure, showed me her +feelings, as I had formerly shown her mine by that first game of +backgammon. These ingenuous proofs of her affection were many; on the +seventh day after my arrival she recovered her freshness, she sparkled +with health and youth and happiness; my lily expanded in beauty just +as the treasures of my heart increased. Only in petty minds or in +common hearts can absence lessen love or efface the features or +diminish the beauty of our dear one. To ardent imaginations, to all +beings through whose veins enthusiasm passes like a crimson tide, and +in whom passion takes the form of constancy, absence has the same +effect as the sufferings of the early Christians, which strengthened +their faith and made God visible to them. In hearts that abound in +love are there not incessant longings for a desired object, to which +the glowing fire of our dreams gives higher value and a deeper tint? +Are we not conscious of instigations which give to the beloved +features the beauty of the ideal by inspiring them with thought? The +past, dwelt on in all its details becomes magnified; the future teems +with hope. When two hearts filled with these electric clouds meet each +other, their interview is like the welcome storm which revives the +earth and stimulates it with the swift lightnings of the thunderbolt. +How many tender pleasures came to me when I found these thoughts and +these sensations reciprocal! With what glad eyes I followed the +development of happiness in Henriette! A woman who renews her life +from that of her beloved gives, perhaps, a greater proof of feeling +than she who dies killed by a doubt, withered on her stock for want of +sap; I know not which of the two is the more touching. + +The revival of Madame de Mortsauf was wholly natural, like the effects +of the month of May upon the meadows, or those of the sun and of the +brook upon the drooping flowers. Henriette, like our dear valley of +love, had had her winter; she revived like the valley in the +springtime. Before dinner we went down to the beloved terrace. There, +with one hand stroking the head of her son, who walked feebly beside +her, silent, as though he were breeding an illness, she told me of her +nights beside his pillow. + +For three months, she said, she had lived wholly within herself, +inhabiting, as it were, a dark palace; afraid to enter sumptuous rooms +where the light shone, where festivals were given, to her denied, at +the door of which she stood, one glance turned upon her child, another +to a dim and distant figure; one ear listening for moans, another for +a voice. She told me poems, born of solitude, such as no poet ever +sang; but all ingenuously, without one vestige of love, one trace of +voluptuous thought, one echo of a poesy orientally soothing as the +rose of Frangistan. When the count joined us she continued in the same +tone, like a woman secure within herself, able to look proudly at her +husband and kiss the forehead of her son without a blush. She had +prayed much; she had clasped her hands for nights together over her +child, refusing to let him die. + +"I went," she said, "to the gate of the sanctuary and asked his life +of God." + +She had had visions, and she told them to me; but when she said, in +that angelic voice of hers, these exquisite words, "While I slept my +heart watched," the count harshly interrupted her. + +"That is to say, you were half crazy," he cried. + +She was silent, as deeply hurt as though it were a first wound; +forgetting that for thirteen years this man had lost no chance to +shoot his arrows into her heart. Like a soaring bird struck on the +wing by vulgar shot, she sank into a dull depression; then she roused +herself. + +"How is it, monsieur," she said, "that no word of mine ever finds +favor in your sight? Have you no indulgence for my weakness,--no +comprehension of me as a woman?" + +She stopped short. Already she regretted the murmur, and measured the +future by the past; how could she expect comprehension? Had she not +drawn upon herself some virulent attack? The blue veins of her temples +throbbed; she shed no tears, but the color of her eyes faded. Then she +looked down, that she might not see her pain reflected on my face, her +feelings guessed, her soul wooed by my soul; above all, not see the +sympathy of young love, ready like a faithful dog to spring at the +throat of whoever threatened his mistress, without regard to the +assailant's strength or quality. At such cruel moments the count's air +of superiority was supreme. He thought he had triumphed over his wife, +and he pursued her with a hail of phrases which repeated the one idea, +and were like the blows of an axe which fell with unvarying sound. + +"Always the same?" I said, when the count left us to follow the +huntsman who came to speak to him. + +"Always," answered Jacques. + +"Always excellent, my son," she said, endeavoring to withdraw Monsieur +de Mortsauf from the judgment of his children. "You see only the +present, you know nothing of the past; therefore you cannot criticise +your father without doing him injustice. But even if you had the pain +of seeing that your father was to blame, family honor requires you to +bury such secrets in silence." + +"How have the changes at the Cassine and the Rhetoriere answered?" I +asked, to divert her mind from bitter thoughts. + +"Beyond my expectations," she replied. "As soon as the buildings were +finished we found two excellent farmers ready to hire them; one at +four thousand five hundred francs, taxes paid; the other at five +thousand; both leases for fifteen years. We have already planted three +thousand young trees on the new farms. Manette's cousin is delighted +to get the Rabelaye; Martineau has taken the Baude. All OUR efforts +have been crowned with success. Clochegourde, without the reserved +land which we call the home-farm, and without the timber and +vineyards, brings in nineteen thousand francs a year, and the +plantations are becoming valuable. I am battling to let the home-farm +to Martineau, the keeper, whose eldest son can now take his place. He +offers three thousand francs if Monsieur de Mortsauf will build him a +farm-house at the Commanderie. We might then clear the approach to +Clochegourde, finish the proposed avenue to the main road, and have +only the woodland and the vineyards to take care of ourselves. If the +king returns, OUR pension will be restored; WE shall consent after +clashing a little with OUR wife's common-sense. Jacques' fortune will +then be permanently secured. That result obtained, I shall leave +monsieur to lay by as much as he likes for Madeleine, though the king +will of course dower her, according to custom. My conscience is easy; +I have all but accomplished my task. And you?" she said. + +I explained to her the mission on which the king had sent me, and +showed her how her wise counsel had borne fruit. Was she endowed with +second sight thus to foretell events? + +"Did I not write it to you?" she answered. "For you and for my +children alone I possess a remarkable faculty, of which I have spoken +only to my confessor, Monsieur de la Berge; he explains it by divine +intervention. Often, after deep meditation induced by fears about the +health of my children, my eyes close to the things of earth and see +into another region; if Jacques and Madeleine there appear to me as +two luminous figures they are sure to have good health for a certain +period of time; if wrapped in mist they are equally sure to fall ill +soon after. As for you, I not only see you brilliantly illuminated, +but I hear a voice which explains to me without words, by some mental +communication, what you ought to do. Does any law forbid me to use +this wonderful gift for my children and for you?" she asked, falling +into a reverie. Then, after a pause, she added, "Perhaps God wills to +take the place of their father." + +"Let me believe that my obedience is due to none but you," I cried. + +She gave me one of her exquisitely gracious smiles, which so exalted +my heart that I should not have felt a death-blow if given at that +moment. + +"As soon as the king returns to Paris, go there; leave Clochegourde," +she said. "It may be degrading to beg for places and favors, but it +would be ridiculous to be out of the way of receiving them. Great +changes will soon take place. The king needs capable and trustworthy +men; don't fail him. It is well for you to enter young into the +affairs of the nation and learn your way; for statesmen, like actors, +have a routine business to acquire, which genius does not reveal, it +must be learnt. My father heard the Duc de Choiseul say this. Think of +me," she said, after a pause; "let me enjoy the pleasures of +superiority in a soul that is all my own; for are you not my son?" + +"Your son?" I said, sullenly. + +"Yes, my son!" she cried, mocking me; "is not that a good place in my +heart?" + +The bell rang for dinner; she took my arm and leaned contentedly upon +it. + +"You have grown," she said, as we went up the steps. When we reached +the portico she shook my arm a little, as if my looks were +importunate; for though her eyes were lowered she knew that I saw only +her. Then she said, with a charming air of pretended impatience, full +of grace and coquetry, "Come, why don't you look at our dear valley?" + +She turned, held her white silk sun-shade over our heads and drew +Jacques closely to her side. The motion of her head as she looked +towards the Indre, the punt, the meadows, showed me that in my absence +she had come to many an understanding with those misty horizons and +their vaporous outline. Nature was a mantle which sheltered her +thoughts. She now knew what the nightingale was sighing the livelong +night, what the songster of the sedges hymned with his plaintive note. + +At eight o'clock that evening I was witness of a scene which touched +me deeply, and which I had never yet witnessed, for in my former +visits I had played backgammon with the count while his wife took the +children into the dining-room before their bedtime. The bell rang +twice, and all the servants of the household entered the room. + +"You are now our guest and must submit to convent rule," said the +countess, leading me by the hand with that air of innocent gaiety +which distinguishes women who are naturally pious. + +The count followed. Masters, children, and servants knelt down, all +taking their regular places. It was Madeleine's turn to read the +prayers. The dear child said them in her childish voice, the ingenuous +tones of which rose clear in the harmonious silence of the country, +and gave to the words the candor of holy innocence, the grace of +angels. It was the most affecting prayer I ever heard. Nature replied +to the child's voice with the myriad murmurs of the coming night, like +the low accompaniment of an organ lightly touched, Madeleine was on +the right of the countess, Jacques on her left. The graceful curly +heads, between which rose the smooth braids of the mother, and above +all three the perfectly white hair and yellow cranium of the father, +made a picture which repeated, in some sort, the ideas aroused by the +melody of the prayer. As if to fulfil all conditions of the unity +which marks the sublime, this calm and collected group were bathed in +the fading light of the setting sun; its red tints coloring the room, +impelling the soul--be it poetic or superstitious--to believe that the +fires of heaven were visiting these faithful servants of God as they +knelt there without distinction of rank, in the equality which heaven +demands. Thinking back to the days of the patriarchs my mind still +further magnified this scene, so grand in its simplicity. + +The children said good-night, the servants bowed, the countess went +away holding a child by each hand, and I returned to the salon with +the count. + +"We provide you with salvation there, and hell here," he said, +pointing to the backgammon-board. + +The countess returned in half an hour, and brought her frame near the +table. + +"This is for you," she said, unrolling the canvas; "but for the last +three months it has languished. Between that rose and this heartsease +my poor child was ill." + +"Come, come," said Monsieur de Mortsauf, "don't talk of that any more. +Six--five, emissary of the king!" + +When alone in my room I hushed my breathing that I might hear her +passing to and fro in hers. She was calm and pure, but I was lashed +with maddening ideas. "Why should she not be mine?" I thought; +"perhaps she is, like me, in this whirlwind of agitation." At one +o'clock, I went down, walking noiselessly, and lay before her door. +With my ear pressed to a chink I could hear her equable, gentle +breathing, like that of a child. When chilled to the bone I went back +to bed and slept tranquilly till morning. I know not what prenatal +influence, what nature within me, causes the delight I take in going +to the brink of precipices, sounding the gulf of evil, seeking to know +its depths, feeling its icy chill, and retreating in deep emotion. +That hour of night passed on the threshold of her door where I wept +with rage,--though she never knew that on the morrow her foot had trod +upon my tears and kisses, on her virtue first destroyed and then +respected, cursed and adored,--that hour, foolish in the eyes of many, +was nevertheless an inspiration of the same mysterious impulse which +impels the soldier. Many have told me they have played their lives +upon it, flinging themselves before a battery to know if they could +escape the shot, happy in thus galloping into the abyss of +probabilities, and smoking like Jean Bart upon the gunpowder. + +The next day I went to gather flowers and made two bouquets. The count +admired them, though generally nothing of the kind appealed to him. +The clever saying of Champcenetz, "He builds dungeons in Spain," +seemed to have been made for him. + +I spent several days at Clochegourde, going but seldom to Frapesle, +where, however, I dined three times. The French army now occupied +Tours. Though my presence was health and strength to Madame de +Mortsauf, she implored me to make my way to Chateauroux, and so round +by Issoudun and Orleans to Paris with what haste I could. I tried to +resist; but she commanded me, saying that my guardian angel spoke. I +obeyed. Our farewell was, this time, dim with tears; she feared the +allurements of the life I was about to live. Is it not a serious thing +to enter the maelstrom of interests, passions, and pleasures which +make Paris a dangerous ocean for chaste love and purity of conscience? +I promised to write to her every night, relating the events and +thoughts of the day, even the most trivial. When I gave the promise +she laid her head on my shoulder and said: "Leave nothing out; +everything will interest me." + +She gave me letters for the duke and duchess, which I delivered the +second day after my return. + +"You are in luck," said the duke; "dine here to-day, and go with me +this evening to the Chateau; your fortune is made. The king spoke of +you this morning, and said, 'He is young, capable, and trustworthy.' +His Majesty added that he wished he knew whether you were living or +dead, and in what part of France events had thrown you after you had +executed your mission so ably." + +That night I was appointed master of petitions to the council of +State, and I also received a private and permanent place in the +employment of Louis XVIII. himself,--a confidential position, not +highly distinguished, but without any risks, a position which put me +at the very heart of the government and has been the source of all my +subsequent prosperity. Madame de Mortsauf had judged rightly. I now +owed everything to her; power and wealth, happiness and knowledge; she +guided and encouraged me, purified my heart, and gave to my will that +unity of purpose without which the powers of youth are wasted. Later I +had a colleague; we each served six months. We were allowed to supply +each other's place if necessary; we had rooms at the Chateau, a +carriage, and large allowances for travelling when absent on missions. +Strange position! We were the secret disciples of a monarch in a +policy to which even his enemies have since done signal justice; alone +with us he gave judgment on all things, foreign and domestic, yet we +had no legitimate influence; often we were consulted like Laforet by +Moliere, and made to feel that the hesitations of long experience were +confirmed or removed by the vigorous perceptions of youth. + +In other respects my future was secured in a manner to satisfy +ambition. Beside my salary as master of petitions, paid by the budget +of the council of State, the king gave me a thousand francs a month +from his privy purse, and often himself added more to it. Though the +king knew well that no young man of twenty-three could long bear up +under the labors with which he loaded me, my colleague, now a peer of +France, was not appointed till August, 1817. The choice was a +difficult one; our functions demanded so many capabilities that the +king was long in coming to a decision. He did me the honor to ask +which of the young men among whom he was hesitating I should like for +an associate. Among them was one who had been my school-fellow at +Lepitre's; I did not select him. His Majesty asked why. + +"The king," I replied, "chooses men who are equally faithful, but +whose capabilities differ. I choose the one whom I think the most +able, certain that I shall always be able to get on with him." + +My judgment coincided with that of the king, who was pleased with the +sacrifice I had made. He said on this occasion, "You are to be the +chief"; and he related these circumstances to my colleague, who +became, in return for the service I had done him, my good friend. The +consideration shown to me by the Duc de Lenoncourt set the tone of +that which I met with in society. To have it said, "The king takes an +interest in the young man; that young man has a future, the king likes +him," would have served me in place of talents; and it now gave to the +kindly welcome accorded to youth a certain respect that is only given +to power. In the salon of the Duchesse de Lenoncourt and also at the +house of my sister who had just married the Marquis de Listomere, son +of the old lady in the Ile St. Louis, I gradually came to know the +influential personages of the Faubourg St. Germain. + +Henriette herself put me at the heart of the circle then called "le +Petit Chateau" by the help of her great-aunt, the Princesse de +Blamont-Chauvry, to whom she wrote so warmly in my behalf that the +princess immediately sent for me. I cultivated her and contrived to +please her, and she became, not my protectress but a friend, in whose +kindness there was something maternal. The old lady took pains to make +me intimate with her daughter Madame d'Espard, with the Duchesse de +Langeais, the Vicomtesse de Beauseant, and the Duchesse de +Maufrigneuse, women who held the sceptre of fashion, and who were all +the more gracious to me because I made no pretensions and was always +ready to be useful and agreeable to them. My brother Charles, far from +avoiding me, now began to lean upon me; but my rapid success roused a +secret jealousy in his mind which in after years caused me great +vexation. My father and mother, surprised by a triumph so unexpected, +felt their vanity flattered, and received me at last as a son. But +their feeling was too artificial, I might say false, to let their +present treatment have much influence upon a sore heart. Affectations +stained with selfishness win little sympathy; the heart abhors +calculations and profits of all kinds. + +I wrote regularly to Henriette, who answered by two letters a month. +Her spirit hovered over me, her thoughts traversed space and made the +atmosphere around me pure. No woman could captivate me. The king +noticed my reserve, and as, in this respect, he belonged to the school +of Louis XV., he called me, in jest, Mademoiselle de Vandenesse; but +my conduct pleased him. I am convinced that the habit of patience I +acquired in my childhood and practised at Clochegourde had much to do +in my winning the favor of the king, who was always most kind to me. +He no doubt took a fancy to read my letters, for he soon gave up his +notion of my life as that of a young girl. One day when the duke was +on duty, and I was writing at the king's dictation, the latter +suddenly remarked, in that fine, silvery voice of his, to which he +could give, when he chose, the biting tone of epigram:-- + +"So that poor devil of a Mortsauf persists in living?" + +"Yes," replied the duke. + +"Madame de Mortsauf is an angel, whom I should like to see at my +court," continued the king; "but if I cannot manage it, my chancellor +here," turning to me, "may be more fortunate. You are to have six +months' leave; I have decided on giving you the young man we spoke of +yesterday as colleague. Amuse yourself at Clochegourde, friend Cato!" +and he laughed as he had himself wheeled out of the room. + +I flew like a swallow to Touraine. For the first time I was to show +myself to my beloved, not merely a little less insignificant, but +actually in the guise of an elegant young man, whose manners had been +formed in the best salons, his education finished by gracious women; +who had found at last a compensation for all his sufferings, and had +put to use the experience given to him by the purest angel to whom +heaven had ever committed the care of a child. You know how my mother +had equipped me for my three months' visit at Frapesle. When I reached +Clochegourde after fulfilling my mission in Vendee, I was dressed like +a huntsman; I wore a jacket with white and red buttons, striped +trousers, leathern gaiters and shoes. Tramping through underbrush had +so injured my clothes that the count was obliged to lend me linen. On +the present occasion, two years' residence in Paris, constant +intercourse with the king, the habits of a life at ease, my completed +growth, a youthful countenance, which derived a lustre from the +placidity of the soul within magnetically united with the pure soul +that beamed on me from Clochegourde,--all these things combined had +transformed me. I was self-possessed without conceit, inwardly pleased +to find myself, in spite of my years, at the summit of affairs; above +all, I had the consciousness of being secretly the support and comfort +of the dearest woman on earth, and her unuttered hope. Perhaps I felt +a flutter of vanity as the postilions cracked their whips along the +new avenue leading from the main road to Clochegourde and through an +iron gate I had never seen before, which opened into a circular +enclosure recently constructed. I had not written to the countess of +my coming, wishing to surprise her. For this I found myself doubly in +fault: first, she was overwhelmed with the excitement of a pleasure +long desired, but supposed to be impossible; and secondly, she proved +to me that all such deliberate surprises are in bad taste. + +When Henriette saw a young man in him who had hitherto seemed but a +child to her, she lowered her eyes with a sort of tragic slowness. She +allowed me to take and kiss her hand without betraying her inward +pleasure, which I nevertheless felt in her sensitive shiver. When she +raised her face to look at me again, I saw that she was pale. + +"Well, you don't forget your old friends?" said Monsieur de Mortsauf, +who had neither changed nor aged. + +The children sprang upon me. I saw them behind the grave face of the +Abbe Dominis, Jacques' tutor. + +"No," I replied, "and in future I am to have six months' leave, which +will always be spent here--Why, what is the matter?" I said to the +countess, putting my arm round her waist and holding her up in +presence of them all. + +"Oh, don't!" she said, springing away from me; "it is nothing." + +I read her mind, and answered to its secret thought by saying, "Am I +not allowed to be your faithful slave?" + +She took my arm, left the count, the children, and the abbe, and led +me to a distance on the lawn, though still within sight of the others; +then, when sure that her voice could not be heard by them, she spoke. + +"Felix, my dear friend," she said, "forgive my fears; I have but one +thread by which to guide me in the labyrinth of life, and I dread to +see it broken. Tell me that I am more than ever Henriette to you, that +you will never abandon me, that nothing shall prevail against me, that +you will ever be my devoted friend. I have suddenly had a glimpse into +my future, and you were not there, as hitherto, your eyes shining and +fixed upon me--" + +"Henriette! idol whose worship is like that of the Divine,--lily, +flower of my life, how is it that you do not know, you who are my +conscience, that my being is so fused with yours that my soul is here +when my body is in Paris? Must I tell you that I have come in +seventeen hours, that each turn of the wheels gathered thoughts and +desires in my breast, which burst forth like a tempest when I saw +you?" + +"Yes, tell me! tell me!" she cried; "I am so sure of myself that I can +hear you without wrong. God does not will my death. He sends you to me +as he sends his breath to his creatures; as he pours the rain of his +clouds upon a parched earth,--tell me! tell me! Do you love me +sacredly?" + +"Sacredly." + +"For ever?" + +"For ever." + +"As a virgin Mary, hidden behind her veil, beneath her white crown." + +"As a virgin visible." + +"As a sister?" + +"As a sister too dearly loved." + +"With chivalry and without hope?" + +"With chivalry and with hope." + +"As if you were still twenty years of age, and wearing that absurd +blue coat?" + +"Oh better far! I love you thus, and I also love you"--she looked at +me with keen apprehension--"as you loved your aunt." + +"I am happy! You dispel my terrors," she said, returning towards the +family, who were surprised at our private conference. "Be still a +child at Clochegourde--for you are one still. It may be your policy to +be a man with the king, but here, let me tell you, monsieur, your best +policy is to remain a child. As a child you shall be loved. I can +resist a man, but to a child I can refuse nothing, nothing! He can ask +for nothing I will not give him.--Our secrets are all told," she said, +looking at the count with a mischievous air, in which her girlish, +natural self reappeared. "I leave you now; I must go and dress." + +Never for three years had I heard her voice so richly happy. For the +first time I heard those swallow cries, the infantile notes of which I +told you. I had brought Jacques a hunting outfit, and for Madeleine a +work-box--which her mother afterwards used. The joy of the two +children, delighted to show their presents to each other, seemed to +annoy the count, always dissatisfied when attention was withdrawn from +himself. I made a sign to Madeleine and followed her father, who +wanted to talk to me of his ailments. + +"My poor Felix," he said, "you see how happy and well they all are. I +am the shadow on the picture; all their ills are transferred to me, +and I bless God that it is so. Formerly I did not know what was the +matter with me; now I know. The orifice of my stomach is affected; I +can digest nothing." + +"How do you come to be as wise as the professor of a medical school?" +I asked, laughing. "Is your doctor indiscreet enough to tell you such +things?" + +"God forbid I should consult a doctor," he cried, showing the aversion +most imaginary invalids feel for the medical profession. + +I now listened to much crazy talk, in the course of which he made the +most absurd confidences,--complained of his wife, of the servants, of +the children, of life, evidently pleased to repeat his daily speeches +to a friend who, not having heard them daily, might be alarmed, and +who at any rate was forced to listen out of politeness. He must have +been satisfied, for I paid him the utmost attention, trying to +penetrate his inconceivable nature, and to guess what new tortures he +had been inflicting on his wife, of which she had not written to me. +Henriette presently put an end to the monologue by appearing in the +portico. The count saw her, shook his head, and said to me: "You +listen to me, Felix; but here no one pities me." + +He went away, as if aware of the constraint he imposed on my +intercourse with Henriette, or perhaps from a really chivalrous +consideration for her, knowing he could give her pleasure by leaving +us alone. His character exhibited contradictions that were often +inexplicable; he was jealous, like all weak beings, but his confidence +in his wife's sanctity was boundless. It may have been the sufferings +of his own self-esteem, wounded by the superiority of that lofty +virtue, which made him so eager to oppose every wish of the poor +woman, whom he braved as children brave their masters or their +mothers. + +Jacques was taking his lessons, and Madeleine was being dressed; I had +therefore a whole hour to walk with the countess alone on the terrace. + +"Dear angel!" I said, "the chains are heavier, the sands hotter, the +thorns grow apace." + +"Hush!" she said, guessing the thoughts my conversation with the count +had suggested. "You are here, and all is forgotten! I don't suffer; I +have never suffered." + +She made a few light steps as if to shake her dress and give to the +breeze its ruches of snowy tulle, its floating sleeves and fresh +ribbons, the laces of her pelerine, and the flowing curls of her +coiffure a la Sevigne; I saw her for the first time a young girl,--gay +with her natural gaiety, ready to frolic like a child. I knew then the +meaning of tears of happiness; I knew the joy a man feels in bringing +happiness to another. + +"Sweet human flower, wooed by my thought, kissed by my soul, oh my +lily!" I cried, "untouched, untouchable upon thy stem, white, proud, +fragrant, and solitary--" + +"Enough, enough," she said, smiling. "Speak to me of yourself; tell me +everything." + +Then, beneath the swaying arch of quivering leaves, we had a long +conversation, filled with interminable parentheses, subjects taken, +dropped, and retaken, in which I told her my life and my occupations; +I even described my apartment in Paris, for she wished to know +everything; and (happiness then unappreciated) I had nothing to +conceal. Knowing thus my soul and all the details of a daily life full +of incessant toil, learning the full extent of my functions, which to +any one not sternly upright offered opportunities for deception and +dishonest gains, but which I had exercised with such rigid honor that +the king, I told her, called me Mademoiselle de Vandenesse, she seized +my hand and kissed it, and dropped a tear, a tear of joy, upon it. + +This sudden transposition of our roles, this homage, coupled with the +thought--swiftly expressed but as swiftly comprehended--"Here is the +master I have sought, here is my dream embodied!" all that there was +of avowal in the action, grand in its humility, where love betrayed +itself in a region forbidden to the senses,--this whirlwind of +celestial things fell on my heart and crushed it. I felt myself too +small; I wished to die at her feet. + +"Ah!" I said, "you surpass us in all things. Can you doubt me?--for +you did doubt me just now, Henriette." + +"Not now," she answered, looking at me with ineffable tenderness, +which, for a moment, veiled the light of her eyes. "But seeing you so +changed, so handsome, I said to myself, 'Our plans for Madeleine will +be defeated by some woman who will guess the treasures in his heart; +she will steal our Felix, and destroy all happiness here.'" + +"Always Madeleine!" I replied. "Is it Madeleine to whom I am +faithful?" + +We fell into a silence which Monsieur de Mortsauf inconveniently +interrupted. I was forced to keep up a conversation bristling with +difficulties, in which my honest replies as to the king's policy +jarred with the count's ideas, and he forced me to explain again and +again the king's intentions. In spite of all my questions as to his +horses, his agricultural affairs, whether he was satisfied with his +five farms, whether he meant to cut the timber of the old avenue, he +returned to the subject of politics with the pestering faculty of an +old maid and the persistency of a child. Minds like his prefer to dash +themselves against the light; they return again and again and hum +about it without ever getting into it, like those big flies which +weary our ears as they buzz upon the glass. + +Henriette was silent. To stop the conversation, in which I feared my +young blood might take fire, I answered in monosyllables, mostly +acquiescent, avoiding discussion; but Monsieur de Mortsauf had too +much sense not to perceive the meaning of my politeness. Presently he +was angry at being always in the right; he grew refractory, his +eyebrows and the wrinkles of his forehead worked, his yellow eyes +blazed, his rufous nose grew redder, as it did on the day I first +witnessed an attack of madness. Henriette gave me a supplicating look, +making me understand that she could not employ on my behalf an +authority to which she had recourse to protect her children. I at once +answered the count seriously, taking up the political question, and +managing his peevish spirit with the utmost care. + +"Poor dear! poor dear!" she murmured two or three times; the words +reaching my ear like a gentle breeze. When she could intervene with +success she said, interrupting us, "Let me tell you, gentlemen, that +you are very dull company." + +Recalled by this conversation to his chivalrous sense of what was due +to a woman, the count ceased to talk politics, and as we bored him in +our turn by commonplace matters, he presently left us to continue our +walk, declaring that it made his head spin to go round and round on +the same path. + +My sad conjectures were true. The soft landscape, the warm atmosphere, +the cloudless skies, the soothing poetry of this valley, which for +fifteen years had calmed the stinging fancies of that diseased mind, +were now impotent. At a period of life when the asperities of other +men are softened and their angles smoothed, the disposition of this +man became more and more aggressive. For the last few months he had +taken a habit of contradicting for the sake of contradiction, without +reason, without even trying to justify his opinions; he insisted on +knowing the why and the wherefore of everything; grew restless under a +delay or an omission; meddled with every item of the household +affairs, and compelled his wife and the servants to render him the +most minute and fatiguing account of all that was done; never allowing +them the slightest freedom of action. Formerly he did not lose his +temper except for some special reason; now his irritation was +constant. Perhaps the care of his farms, the interests of agriculture, +an active out-door life had formerly soothed his atrabilious temper by +giving it a field for its uneasiness, and by furnishing employment for +his activity. Possibly the loss of such occupation had allowed his +malady to prey upon itself; no longer exercised on matters without, it +was showing itself in more fixed ideas; the moral being was laying +hold of the physical being. He had lately become his own doctor; he +studied medical books, fancied he had the diseases he read of, and +took the most extraordinary and unheard of precautions about his +health,--precautions never the same, impossible to foresee, and +consequently impossible to satisfy. Sometimes he wanted no noise; +then, when the countess had succeeded in establishing absolute +silence, he would declare he was in a tomb, and blame her for not +finding some medium between incessant noise and the stillness of La +Trappe. Sometimes he affected a perfect indifference for all earthly +things. Then the whole household breathed freely; the children played; +family affairs went on without criticism. Suddenly he would cry out +lamentably, "They want to kill me!--My dear," he would say to his +wife, increasing the injustice of his words by the aggravating tones +of his sharp voice, "if it concerned your children you would know very +well what was the matter with them." + +He dressed and re-dressed himself incessantly, watching every change +of temperature, and doing nothing without consulting the barometer. +Notwithstanding his wife's attentions, he found no food to suit him, +his stomach being, he said, impaired, and digestion so painful as to +keep him awake all night. In spite of this he ate, drank, digested, +and slept, in a manner to satisfy any doctor. His capricious will +exhausted the patience of the servants, accustomed to the beaten track +of domestic service and unable to conform to the requirements of his +conflicting orders. Sometimes he bade them keep all the windows open, +declaring that his health required a current of fresh air; a few days +later the fresh air, being too hot or too damp, as the case might be, +became intolerable; then he scolded, quarrelled with the servants, and +in order to justify himself, denied his former orders. This defect of +memory, or this bad faith, call it which you will, always carried the +day against his wife in the arguments by which she tried to pit him +against himself. Life at Clochegourde had become so intolerable that +the Abbe Dominis, a man of great learning, took refuge in the study of +scientific problems, and withdrew into the shelter of pretended +abstraction. The countess had no longer any hope of hiding the secret +of these insane furies within the circle of her own home; the servants +had witnessed scenes of exasperation without exciting cause, in which +the premature old man passed the bounds of reason. They were, however, +so devoted to the countess that nothing so far had transpired outside; +but she dreaded daily some public outburst of a frenzy no longer +controlled by respect for opinion. + +Later I learned the dreadful details of the count's treatment of his +wife. Instead of supporting her when the children were ill, he +assailed her with dark predictions and made her responsible for all +future illnesses, because she refused to let the children take the +crazy doses which he prescribed. When she went to walk with them the +count would predict a storm in the face of a clear sky; if by chance +the prediction proved true, the satisfaction he felt made him quite +indifferent to any harm to the children. If one of them was ailing, +the count gave his whole mind to fastening the cause of the illness +upon the system of nursing adopted by his wife, whom he carped at for +every trifling detail, always ending with the cruel words, "If your +children fall ill again you have only yourself to thank for it." + +He behaved in the same way in the management of the household, seeing +the worst side of everything, and making himself, as his old coachman +said, "the devil's own advocate." The countess arranged that Jacques +and Madeleine should take their meals alone at different hours from +the family, so as to save them from the count's outbursts and draw all +the storms upon herself. In this way the children now saw but little +of their father. By one of the hallucinations peculiar to selfish +persons, the count had not the slightest idea of the misery he caused. +In the confidential communication he made to me on my arrival he +particularly dwelt on his goodness to his family. He wielded the +flail, beat, bruised, and broke everything about him as a monkey might +have done. Then, having half-destroyed his prey, he denied having +touched it. I now understood the lines on Henriette's forehead,--fine +lines, traced as it were with the edge of a razor, which I had noticed +the moment I saw her. There is a pudicity in noble minds which +withholds them from speaking of their personal sufferings; proudly +they hide the extent of their woes from hearts that love them, feeling +a merciful joy in doing so. Therefore in spite of my urgency, I did +not immediately obtain the truth from Henriette. She feared to grieve +me; she made brief admissions, and then blushed for them; but I soon +perceived myself the increase of trouble which the count's present +want of regular occupation had brought upon the household. + +"Henriette," I said, after I had been there some days, "don't you +think you have made a mistake in so arranging the estate that the +count has no longer anything to do?" + +"Dear," she said, smiling, "my situation is critical enough to take +all my attention; believe me, I have considered all my resources, and +they are now exhausted. It is true that the bickerings are getting +worse and worse. As Monsieur de Mortsauf and I are always together, I +cannot lessen them by diverting his attention in other directions; in +fact the pain would be the same to me in any case. I did think of +advising him to start a nursery for silk-worms at Clochegourde, where +we have many mulberry-trees, remains of the old industry of Touraine. +But I reflected that he would still be the same tyrant at home, and I +should have many more annoyances through the enterprise. You will +learn, my dear observer, that in youth a man's ill qualities are +restrained by society, checked in their swing by the play of passions, +subdued under the fear of public opinion; later, a middle-aged man, +living in solitude, shows his native defects, which are all the more +terrible because so long repressed. Human weaknesses are essentially +base; they allow of neither peace nor truce; what you yield to them +to-day they exact to-morrow, and always; they fasten on concessions +and compel more of them. Power, on the other hand, is merciful; it +conforms to evidence, it is just and it is peaceable. But the passions +born of weakness are implacable. Monsieur de Mortsauf takes an +absolute pleasure in getting the better of me; and he who would +deceive no one else, deceives me with delight." + +One morning as we left the breakfast table, about a month after my +arrival, the countess took me by the arm, darted through an iron gate +which led into the vineyard, and dragged me hastily among the vines. + +"He will kill me!" she cried. "And I want to live--for my children's +sake. But oh! not a day's respite! Always to walk among thorns! to +come near falling every instant! every instant to have to summon all +my strength to keep my balance! No human being can long endure such +strain upon the system. If I were certain of the ground I ought to +take, if my resistance could be a settled thing, then my mind might +concentrate upon it--but no, every day the attacks change character +and leave me without defence; my sorrows are not one, they are +manifold. Ah! my friend--" she cried, leaning her head upon my +shoulder, and not continuing her confidence. "What will become of me? +Oh, what shall I do?" she said presently, struggling with thoughts she +did not express. "How can I resist? He will kill me! No, I will kill +myself--but that would be a crime! Escape? yes, but my children! +Separate from him? how, after fifteen years of marriage, how could I +ever tell my parents that I will not live with him? for if my father +and mother came here he would be calm, polite, intelligent, judicious. +Besides, can married women look to fathers or mothers? Do they not +belong body and soul to their husbands? I could live tranquil if not +happy--I have found strength in my chaste solitude, I admit it; but if +I am deprived of this negative happiness I too shall become insane. My +resistance is based on powerful reasons which are not personal to +myself. It is a crime to give birth to poor creatures condemned to +endless suffering. Yet my position raises serious questions, so +serious that I dare not decide them alone; I cannot be judge and party +both. To-morrow I will go to Tours and consult my new confessor, the +Abbe Birotteau--for my dear and virtuous Abbe de la Berge is dead," +she said, interrupting herself. "Though he was severe, I miss and +shall always miss his apostolic power. His successor is an angel of +goodness, who pities but does not reprimand. Still, all courage draws +fresh life from the heart of religion; what soul is not strengthened +by the voice of the Holy Spirit? My God," she said, drying her tears +and raising her eyes to heaven, "for what sin am I thus punished?--I +believe, yes, Felix, I believe it, we must pass through a fiery +furnace before we reach the saints, the just made perfect of the upper +spheres. Must I keep silence? Am I forbidden, oh, my God, to cry to +the heart of a friend? Do I love him too well?" She pressed me to her +heart as though she feared to lose me. "Who will solve my doubts? My +conscience does not reproach me. The stars shine from above on men; +may not the soul, the human star, shed its light upon a friend, if we +go to him with pure thoughts?" + +I listened to this dreadful cry in silence, holding her moist hand in +mine that was still more moist. I pressed it with a force to which +Henriette replied with an equal pressure. + +"Where are you?" cried the count, who came towards us, bareheaded. + +Ever since my return he had insisted on sharing our interviews,-- +either because he wanted amusement, or feared the countess would tell +me her sorrows and complain to me, or because he was jealous of a +pleasure he did not share. + +"How he follows me!" she cried, in a tone of despair. "Let us go into +the orchard, we shall escape him. We can stoop as we run by the hedge, +and he will not see us." + +We made the hedge a rampart and reached the enclosure, where we were +soon at a good distance from the count in an alley of almond-trees. + +"Dear Henriette," I then said to her, pressing her arm against my +heart and stopping to contemplate her in her sorrow, "you have guided +me with true knowledge along the perilous ways of the great world; let +me in return give you some advice which may help you to end this duel +without witnesses, in which you must inevitably be worsted, for you +are fighting with unequal weapons. You must not struggle any longer +with a madman--" + +"Hush!" she said, dashing aside the tears that rolled from her eyes. + +"Listen to me, dear," I continued. "After a single hour's talk with +the count, which I force myself to endure for love of you, my thoughts +are bewildered, my head heavy; he makes me doubtful of my own +intellect; the same ideas repeated over and over again seem to burn +themselves on my brain. Well-defined monomanias are not communicated; +but when the madness consists in a distorted way of looking at +everything, and when it lurks under all discussions, then it can and +does injure the minds of those who live with it. Your patience is +sublime, but will it not end in disordering you? For your sake, for +that of your children, change your system with the count. Your +adorable kindness has made him selfish; you have treated him as a +mother treats the child she spoils; but now, if you want to live--and +you do want it," I said, looking at her, "use the control you have +over him. You know what it is; he loves you and he fears you; make him +fear you more; oppose his erratic will with your firm will. Extend +your power over him, confine his madness to a moral sphere just as we +lock maniacs in a cell." + +"Dear child," she said, smiling bitterly, "a woman without a heart +might do it. But I am a mother; I should make a poor jailer. Yes, I +can suffer, but I cannot make others suffer. Never!" she said, "never! +not even to obtain some great and honorable result. Besides, I should +have to lie in my heart, disguise my voice, lower my head, degrade my +gesture--do not ask of me such falsehoods. I can stand between +Monsieur de Mortsauf and his children, I willingly receive his blows +that they may not fall on others; I can do all that, and will do it to +conciliate conflicting interests, but I can do no more." + +"Let me worship thee, O saint, thrice holy!" I exclaimed, kneeling at +her feet and kissing her robe, with which I wiped my tears. "But if he +kills you?" I cried. + +She turned pale and said, lifting her eyes to heaven: + +"God's will be done!" + +"Do you know that the king said to your father, 'So that devil of a +Mortsauf is still living'?" + +"A jest on the lips of the king," she said, "is a crime when repeated +here." + +In spite of our precautions the count had tracked us; he now arrived, +bathed in perspiration, and sat down under a walnut-tree where the +countess had stopped to give me that rebuke. I began to talk about the +vintage; the count was silent, taking no notice of the dampness under +the tree. After a few insignificant remarks, interspersed with pauses +that were very significant, he complained of nausea and headache; but +he spoke gently, and did not appeal to our pity, or describe his +sufferings in his usual exaggerated way. We paid no attention to him. +When we reached the house, he said he felt worse and should go to bed; +which he did, quite naturally and with much less complaint than usual. +We took advantage of the respite and went down to our dear terrace +accompanied by Madeleine. + +"Let us get that boat and go upon the river," said the countess after +we had made a few turns. "We might go and look at the fishing which is +going on to-day." + +We went out by the little gate, found the punt, jumped into it and +were presently paddling up the Loire. Like three children amused with +trifles, we looked at the sedges along the banks and the blue and +green dragon-flies; the countess wondered perhaps that she was able to +enjoy such peaceful pleasures in the midst of her poignant griefs; but +Nature's calm, indifferent to our struggles, has a magic gift of +consolation. The tumults of a love full of restrained desires +harmonize with the wash of the water; the flowers that the hand of man +has never wilted are the voice of his secret dreams; the voluptuous +swaying of the boat vaguely responds to the thoughts that are floating +in his soul. We felt the languid influence of this double poesy. +Words, tuned to the diapason of nature, disclosed mysterious graces; +looks were impassioned rays sharing the light shed broadcast by the +sun on the glowing meadows. The river was a path along which we flew. +Our spirit, no longer kept down by the measured tread of our +footsteps, took possession of the universe. The abounding joy of a +child at liberty, graceful in its motions, enticing in its play, is +the living expression of two freed souls, delighting themselves by +becoming ideally the wondrous being dreamed of by Plato and known to +all whose youth has been filled with a blessed love. To describe to +you that hour, not in its indescribable details but in its essence, I +must say to you that we loved each other in all the creations animate +and inanimate which surrounded us; we felt without us the happiness +our own hearts craved; it so penetrated our being that the countess +took off her gloves and let her hands float in the water as if to cool +an inward ardor. Her eyes spoke; but her mouth, opening like a rose to +the breeze, gave voice to no desire. You know the harmony of deep +tones mingling perfectly with high ones? Ever, when I hear it now, it +recalls to me the harmony of our two souls in this one hour, which +never came again. + +"Where do you fish?" I asked, "if you can only do so from the banks +you own?" + +"Near Pont-de-Ruan," she replied. "Ah! we now own the river from Pont- +de-Ruan to Clochegourde; Monsieur de Mortsauf has lately bought forty +acres of the meadow lands with the savings of two years and the +arrearage of his pension. Does that surprise you?" + +"Surprise me?" I cried; "I would that all the valley were yours." She +answered me with a smile. Presently we came below the bridge to a +place where the Indre widens and where the fishing was going on. + +"Well, Martineau?" she said. + +"Ah, Madame la comtesse, such bad luck! We have fished up from the +mill the last three hours, and have taken nothing." + +We landed near them to watch the drawing in of the last net, and all +three of us sat down in the shade of a "bouillard," a sort of poplar +with a white bark, which grows on the banks of the Danube and the +Loire (probably on those of other large rivers), and sheds, in the +spring of the year, a white and silky fluff, the covering of its +flower. The countess had recovered her august serenity; she half +regretted the unveiling of her griefs, and mourned that she had cried +aloud like Job, instead of weeping like the Magdalen,--a Magdalen +without loves, or galas, or prodigalities, but not without beauty and +fragrance. The net came in at her feet full of fish; tench, barbels, +pike, perch, and an enormous carp, which floundered about on the +grass. + +"Madame brings luck!" exclaimed the keeper. + +All the laborers opened their eyes as they looked with admiration at +the woman whose fairy wand seemed to have touched the nets. Just then +the huntsman was seen urging his horse over the meadows at a full +gallop. Fear took possession of her. Jacques was not with us, and the +mother's first thought, as Virgil so poetically says, is to press her +children to her breast when danger threatens. + +"Jacques! Where is Jacques? What has happened to my boy?" + +She did not love me! If she had loved me I should have seen upon her +face when confronted with my sufferings that expression of a lioness +in despair. + +"Madame la comtesse, Monsieur le comte is worse." + +She breathed more freely and started to run towards Clochegourde, +followed by me and by Madeleine. + +"Follow me slowly," she said, looking back; "don't let the dear child +overheat herself. You see how it is; Monsieur de Mortsauf took that +walk in the sun which put him into a perspiration, and sitting under +the walnut-tree may be the cause of a great misfortune." + +The words, said in the midst of her agitation, showed plainly the +purity of her soul. The death of the count a misfortune! She reached +Clochegourde with great rapidity, passing through a gap in the wall +and crossing the fields. I returned slowly. Henriette's words lighted +my mind, but as the lightning falls and blasts the gathered harvest. +On the river I had fancied I was her chosen one; now I felt bitterly +the sincerity of her words. The lover who is not everything is +nothing. I loved with the desire of a love that knows what it seeks; +which feeds in advance on coming transports, and is content with the +pleasures of the soul because it mingles with them others which the +future keeps in store. If Henriette loved, it was certain that she +knew neither the pleasures of love nor its tumults. She lived by +feelings only, like a saint with God. I was the object on which her +thoughts fastened as bees swarm upon the branch of a flowering tree. +In my mad jealousy I reproached myself that I had dared nothing, that +I had not tightened the bonds of a tenderness which seemed to me at +that moment more subtile than real, by the chains of positive +possession. + +The count's illness, caused perhaps by a chill under the walnut-tree, +became alarming in a few hours. I went to Tours for a famous doctor +named Origet, but was unable to find him until evening. He spent that +night and the next day at Clochegourde. We had sent the huntsman in +quest of leeches, but the doctor, thinking the case urgent, wished to +bleed the count immediately, but had brought no lancet with him. I at +once started for Azay in the midst of a storm, roused a surgeon, +Monsieur Deslandes, and compelled him to come with the utmost celerity +to Clochegourde. Ten minutes later and the count would have died; the +bleeding saved him. But in spite of this preliminary success the +doctor predicted an inflammatory fever of the worst kind. The countess +was overcome by the fear that she was the secret cause of this crisis. +Two weak to thank me for my exertions, she merely gave me a few +smiles, the equivalent of the kiss she had once laid upon my hand. +Fain would I have seen in those haggard smiles the remorse of illicit +love; but no, they were only the act of contrition of an innocent +repentance, painful to see in one so pure, the expression of admiring +tenderness for me whom she regarded as noble while reproaching herself +for an imaginary wrong. Surely she loved as Laura loved Petrarch, and +not as Francesca da Rimini loved Paolo,--a terrible discovery for him +who had dreamed the union of the two loves. + +The countess half lay, her body bent forwards, her arms hanging, in a +soiled armchair in a room that was like the lair of a wild boar. The +next evening before the doctor departed he said to the countess, who +had sat up the night before, that she must get a nurse, as the illness +would be a long one. + +"A nurse!" she said; "no, no! We will take care of him," she added, +looking at me; "we owe it to ourselves to save him." + +The doctor gave us both an observing look full of astonishment. The +words were of a nature to make him suspect an atonement. He promised +to come twice a week, left directions for the treatment with Monsieur +Deslandes, and pointed out the threatening symptoms that might oblige +us to send for him. I asked the countess to let me sit up the +alternate nights and then, not without difficulty, I persuaded her to +go to bed on the third night. When the house was still and the count +sleeping I heard a groan from Henriette's room. My anxiety was so keen +that I went to her. She was kneeling before the crucifix bathed in +tears. "My God!" she cried; "if this be the cost of a murmur, I will +never complain again." + +"You have left him!" she said on seeing me. + +"I heard you moaning, and I was frightened." + +"Oh, I!" she said; "I am well." + +Wishing to be certain that Monsieur de Mortsauf was asleep she came +down with me; by the light of the lamp we looked at him. The count was +weakened by the loss of blood and was more drowsy than asleep; his +hands picked the counterpane and tried to draw it over him. + +"They say the dying do that," she whispered. "Ah! if he were to die of +this illness, that I have caused, never will I marry again, I swear +it," she said, stretching her hand over his head with a solemn +gesture. + +"I have done all I could to save him," I said. + +"Oh, you!" she said, "you are good; it is I who am guilty." + +She stooped to that discolored brow, wiped the perspiration from it +and laid a kiss there solemnly; but I saw, not without joy, that she +did it as an expiation. + +"Blanche, I am thirsty," said the count in a feeble voice. + +"You see he knows me," she said giving him to drink. + +Her accent, her affectionate manner to him seemed to me to take the +feelings that bound us together and immolate them to the sick man. + +"Henriette," I said, "go and rest, I entreat you." + +"No more Henriette," she said, interrupting me with imperious haste. + +"Go to bed if you would not be ill. Your children, HE HIMSELF would +order you to be careful; it is a case where selfishness becomes a +virtue." + +"Yes," she said. + +She went away, recommending her husband to my care by a gesture which +would have seemed like approaching delirium if childlike grace had not +been mingled with the supplicating forces of repentance. But the scene +was terrible, judged by the habitual state of that pure soul; it +alarmed me; I feared the exaltation of her conscience. When the doctor +came again, I revealed to him the nature of my pure Henriette's self- +reproach. This confidence, made discreetly, removed Monsieur Origet's +suspicions, and enabled him to quiet the distress of that noble soul +by telling her that in any case the count had to pass through this +crisis, and that as for the nut-tree, his remaining there had done +more good than harm by developing the disease. + +For fifty-two days the count hovered between life and death. Henriette +and I each watched twenty-six nights. Undoubtedly, Monsieur de +Mortsauf owed his life to our nursing and to the careful exactitude +with which we carried out the orders of Monsieur Origet. Like all +philosophical physicians, whose sagacious observation of what passes +before them justifies many a doubt of noble actions when they are only +the accomplishment of a duty, this man, while assisting the countess +and me in our rivalry of devotion, could not help watching us, with +scrutinizing glances, so afraid was he of being deceived in his +admiration. + +"In diseases of this nature," he said to me at his third visit, "death +has a powerful auxiliary in the moral nature when that is seriously +disturbed, as it is in this case. The doctor, the family, the nurses +hold the patient's life in their hands; sometimes a single word, a +fear expressed by a gesture, has the effect of poison." + +As he spoke Origet studied my face and expression; but he saw in my +eyes the clear look of an honest soul. In fact during the whole course +of this distressing illness there never passed through my mind a +single one of the involuntary evil thoughts which do sometimes sear +the consciences of the innocent. To those who study nature in its +grandeur as a whole all tends to unity through assimilation. The moral +world must undoubtedly be ruled by an analogous principle. In an pure +sphere all is pure. The atmosphere of heaven was around my Henriette; +it seemed as though an evil desire must forever part me from her. Thus +she not only stood for happiness, but for virtue; she WAS virtue. +Finding us always equally careful and attentive, the doctor's words +and manners took a tone of respect and even pity; he seemed to say to +himself, "Here are the real sufferers; they hide their ills, and +forget them." By a fortunate change, which, according to our excellent +doctor, is common enough in men who are completely shattered, Monsieur +de Mortsauf was patient, obedient, complained little, and showed +surprising docility,--he, who when well never did the simplest thing +without discussion. The secret of this submission to medical care, +which he formerly so derided, was an innate dread of death; another +contradiction in a man of tried courage. This dread may perhaps +explain several other peculiarities in the character which the cruel +years of exile had developed. + +Shall I admit to you, Natalie, and will you believe me? these fifty +days and the month that followed them were the happiest moments of my +life. Love, in the celestial spaces of the soul is like a noble river +flowing through a valley; the rains, the brooks, the torrents hie to +it, the trees fall upon its surface, so do the flowers, the gravel of +its shores, the rocks of the summits; storms and the loitering tribute +of the crystal streams alike increase it. Yes, when love comes all +comes to love! + +The first great danger over, the countess and I grew accustomed to +illness. In spite of the confusion which the care of the sick entails, +the count's room, once so untidy, was now clean and inviting. Soon we +were like two beings flung upon a desert island, for not only do +anxieties isolate, but they brush aside as petty the conventions of +the world. The welfare of the sick man obliged us to have points of +contact which no other circumstances would have authorized. Many a +time our hands, shy or timid formerly, met in some service that we +rendered to the count--was I not there to sustain and help my +Henriette? Absorbed in a duty comparable to that of a soldier at the +pickets, she forgot to eat; then I served her, sometimes on her lap, a +hasty meal which necessitated a thousand little attentions. We were +like children at a grave. She would order me sharply to prepare +whatever might ease the sick man's suffering; she employed me in a +hundred petty ways. During the time when actual danger obscured, as it +does during the battle, the subtile distinctions which characterize +the facts of ordinary life, she necessarily laid aside the reserve +which all women, even the most unconventional, preserve in their looks +and words and actions before the world or their own family. At the +first chirping of the birds she would come to relieve my watch, +wearing a morning garment which revealed to me once more the dazzling +treasures that in my folly I had treated as my own. Always dignified, +nay imposing, she could still be familiar. + +Thus it came to pass that we found ourselves unconsciously intimate, +half-married as it were. She showed herself nobly confiding, as sure +of me as she was of herself. I was thus taken deeper and deeper into +her heart. The countess became once more my Henriette, Henriette +constrained to love with increasing strength the friend who endeavored +to be her second soul. Her hand unresistingly met mine at the least +solicitation; my eyes were permitted to follow with delight the lines +of her beauty during the long hours when we listened to the count's +breathing, without driving her from their sight. The meagre pleasures +which we allowed ourselves--sympathizing looks, words spoken in +whispers not to wake the count, hopes and fears repeated and again +repeated, in short, the thousand incidents of the fusion of two hearts +long separated--stand out in bright array upon the sombre background +of the actual scene. Our souls knew each other to their depths under +this test, which many a warm affection is unable to bear, finding life +too heavy or too flimsy in the close bonds of hourly intercourse. + +You know what disturbance follows the illness of a master; how the +affairs of life seem to come to a standstill. Though the real care of +the family and estate fell upon Madame de Mortsauf, the count was +useful in his way; he talked with the farmers, transacted business +with his bailiff, and received the rents; if she was the soul, he was +the body. I now made myself her steward so that she could nurse the +count without neglecting the property. She accepted this as a matter +of course, in fact without thanking me. It was another sweet communion +to share her family cares, to transmit her orders. In the evenings we +often met in her room to discuss these interests and those of her +children. Such conversations gave one semblance the more to our +transitory marriage. With what delight she encouraged me to take a +husband's place, giving me his seat at table, sending me to talk with +the bailiff,--all in perfect innocence, yet not without that inward +pleasure the most virtuous woman in the world will feel when she finds +a course where strict obedience to duty and the satisfaction of her +wishes are combined. + +Nullified, as it were, by illness, the count no longer oppressed his +wife or his household, the countess then became her natural self; she +busied herself with my affairs and showed me a thousand kindnesses. +With what joy I discovered in her mind a thought, vaguely conceived +perhaps, but exquisitely expressed, namely, to show me the full value +of her person and her qualities and make me see the change that would +come over her if she lived understood. This flower, kept in the cold +atmosphere of such a home, opened to my gaze, and to mine only; she +took as much delight in letting me comprehend her as I felt in +studying her with the searching eyes of love. She proved to me in all +the trifling things of daily life how much I was in her thoughts. +When, after my turn of watching, I went to bed and slept late, +Henriette would keep the house absolutely silent near me; Jacques and +Madeleine played elsewhere, though never ordered to do so; she +invented excuses to serve my breakfast herself--ah, with what +sparkling pleasure in her movements, what swallow-like rapidity, what +lynx-eyed perception! and then! what carnation on her cheeks, what +quiverings in her voice! + +Can such expansions of the soul be described in words? + +Often she was wearied out; but if, at such moments of lassitude my +welfare came in question, for me, as for her children, she found fresh +strength and sprang up eagerly and joyfully. How she loved to shed her +tenderness like sunbeams in the air! Ah, Natalie, some women share the +privileges of angels here below; they diffuse that light which Saint- +Martin, the mysterious philosopher, declared to be intelligent, +melodious, and perfumed. Sure of my discretion, Henriette took +pleasure in raising the curtain which hid the future and in showing me +two women in her,--the woman bound hand and foot who had won me in +spite of her severity, and the woman freed, whose sweetness should +make my love eternal! What a difference. Madame de Mortsauf was the +skylark of Bengal, transported to our cold Europe, mournful on its +perch, silent and dying in the cage of a naturalist; Henriette was the +singing bird of oriental poems in groves beside the Ganges, flying +from branch to branch like a living jewel amid the roses of a +volkameria that ever blooms. Her beauty grew more beautiful, her mind +recovered strength. The continual sparkle of this happiness was a +secret between ourselves, for she dreaded the eye of the Abbe Dominis, +the representative of the world; she masked her contentment with +playfulness, and covered the proofs of her tenderness with the banner +of gratitude. + +"We have put your friendship to a severe test, Felix; we may give you +the same rights we give to Jacques, may we not, Monsieur l'abbe?" she +said one day. + +The stern abbe answered with the smile of a man who can read the human +heart and see its purity; for the countess he always showed the +respect mingled with adoration which the angels inspire. Twice during +those fifty days the countess passed beyond the limits in which we +held our affection. But even these infringements were shrouded in a +veil, never lifted until the final hour when avowal came. One morning, +during the first days of the count's illness, when she repented her +harsh treatment in withdrawing the innocent privileges she had +formerly granted me, I was expecting her to relieve my watch. Much +fatigued, I fell asleep, my head against the wall. I wakened suddenly +at the touch of something cool upon my forehead which gave me a +sensation as if a rose had rested there. I opened my eyes and saw the +countess, standing a few steps distant, who said, "I have just come." +I rose to leave the room, but as I bade her good-bye I took her hand; +it was moist and trembling. + +"Are you ill?" I said. + +"Why do you ask that question?" she replied. + +I looked at her blushing and confused. "I was dreaming," I replied. + +Another time, when Monsieur Origet had announced positively that the +count was convalescent, I was lying with Jacques and Madeleine on the +step of the portico intent on a game of spillikins which we were +playing with bits of straw and hooks made of pins; Monsieur de +Mortsauf was asleep. The doctor, while waiting for his horse to be +harnessed, was talking with the countess in the salon. Monsieur Origet +went away without my noticing his departure. After he left, Henriette +leaned against the window, from which she watched us for some time +without our seeing her. It was one of those warm evenings when the sky +is copper-colored and the earth sends up among the echoes a myriad +mingling noises. A last ray of sunlight was leaving the roofs, the +flowers in the garden perfumed the air, the bells of the cattle +returning to their stalls sounded in the distance. We were all +conforming to the silence of the evening hour and hushing our voices +that we might not wake the count. Suddenly, I heard the guttural sound +of a sob violently suppressed; I rushed into the salon and found the +countess sitting by the window with her handkerchief to her face. She +heard my step and made me an imperious gesture, commanding me to leave +her. I went up to her, my heart stabbed with fear, and tried to take +her handkerchief away by force. Her face was bathed in tears and she +fled into her room, which she did not leave again until the hour for +evening prayer. When that was over, I led her to the terrace and asked +the cause of her emotion; she affected a wild gaiety and explained it +by the news Monsieur Origet had given her. + +"Henriette, Henriette, you knew that news when I saw you weeping. +Between you and me a lie is monstrous. Why did you forbid me to dry +your tears? were they mine?" + +"I was thinking," she said, "that for me this illness has been a halt +in pain. Now that I no longer fear for Monsieur de Mortsauf I fear for +myself." + +She was right. The count's recovery was soon attested by the return of +his fantastic humor. He began by saying that neither the countess, nor +I, nor the doctor had known how to take care of him; we were ignorant +of his constitution and also of his disease; we misunderstood his +sufferings and the necessary remedies. Origet, infatuated with his own +doctrines, had mistaken the case, he ought to have attended only to +the pylorus. One day he looked at us maliciously, with an air of +having guessed our thoughts, and said to his wife with a smile, "Now, +my dear, if I had died you would have regretted me, no doubt, but pray +admit you would have been quite resigned." + +"Yes, I should have mourned you in pink and black, court mourning," +she answered laughing, to change the tone of his remarks. + +But it was chiefly about his food, which the doctor insisted on +regulating, that scenes of violence and wrangling now took place, +unlike any that had hitherto occurred; for the character of the count +was all the more violent for having slumbered. The countess, fortified +by the doctor's orders and the obedience of her servants, stimulated +too by me, who thought this struggle a good means to teach her to +exercise authority over the count, held out against his violence. She +showed a calm front to his demented cries, and even grew accustomed to +his insulting epithets, taking him for what he was, a child. I had the +happiness of at last seeing her take the reins in hand and govern that +unsound mind. The count cried out, but he obeyed; and he obeyed all +the better when he had made an outcry. But in spite of the evidence of +good results, Henriette often wept at the spectacle of this emaciated, +feeble old man, with a forehead yellower than the falling leaves, his +eyes wan, his hands trembling. She blamed herself for too much +severity, and could not resist the joy she saw in his eyes when, in +measuring out his food, she gave him more than the doctor allowed. She +was even more gentle and gracious to him than she had been to me; but +there were differences here which filled my heart with joy. She was +not unwearying, and she sometimes called her servants to wait upon the +count when his caprices changed too rapidly, and he complained of not +being understood. + +The countess wished to return thanks to God for the count's recovery; +she directed a mass to be said, and asked if I would take her to +church. I did so, but I left her at the door, and went to see Monsieur +and Madame Chessel. On my return she reproached me. + +"Henriette," I said, "I cannot be false. I will throw myself into the +water to save my enemy from drowning, and give him my coat to keep him +warm; I will forgive him, but I cannot forget the wrong." + +She was silent, but she pressed my arm. + +"You are an angel, and you were sincere in your thanksgiving," I said, +continuing. "The mother of the Prince of the Peace was saved from the +hands of an angry populace who sought to kill her, and when the queen +asked, 'What did you do?' she answered, 'I prayed for them.' Women are +ever thus. I am a man, and necessarily imperfect." + +"Don't calumniate yourself," she said, shaking my arm, "perhaps you +are more worthy than I." + +"Yes," I replied, "for I would give eternity for a day of happiness, +and you--" + +"I!" she said haughtily. + +I was silent and lowered my eyes to escape the lightning of hers. + +"There is many an I in me," she said. "Of which do you speak? Those +children," pointing to Jacques and Madeleine, "are one--Felix," she +cried in a heartrending voice, "do you think me selfish? Ought I to +sacrifice eternity to reward him who devotes to me his life? The +thought is dreadful; it wounds every sentiment of religion. Could a +woman so fallen rise again? Would her happiness absolve her? These are +questions you force me to consider.--Yes, I betray at last the secret +of my conscience; the thought has traversed my heart; often do I +expiate it by penance; it caused the tears you asked me to account for +yesterday--" + +"Do you not give too great importance to certain things which common +women hold at a high price, and--" + +"Oh!" she said, interrupting me; "do you hold them at a lower?" + +This logic stopped all argument. + +"Know this," she continued. "I might have the baseness to abandon that +poor old man whose life I am; but, my friend, those other feeble +creatures there before us, Madeleine and Jacques, would remain with +their father. Do you think, I ask you do you think they would be alive +in three months under the insane dominion of that man? If my failure +of duty concerned only myself--" A noble smile crossed her face. "But +shall I kill my children! My God!" she exclaimed. "Why speak of these +things? Marry, and let me die!" + +She said the words in a tone so bitter, so hollow, that they stifled +the remonstrances of my passion. + +"You uttered cries that day beneath the walnut-tree; I have uttered my +cries here beneath these alders, that is all," I said; "I will be +silent henceforth." + +"Your generosity shames me," she said, raising her eyes to heaven. + +We reached the terrace and found the count sitting in a chair, in the +sun. The sight of that sunken face, scarcely brightened by a feeble +smile, extinguished the last flames that came from the ashes. I leaned +against the balustrade and considered the picture of that poor wreck, +between his sickly children and his wife, pale with her vigils, worn +out by extreme fatigue, by the fears, perhaps also by the joys of +these terrible months, but whose cheeks now glowed from the emotions +she had just passed through. At the sight of that suffering family +beneath the trembling leafage through which the gray light of a cloudy +autumn sky came dimly, I felt within me a rupture of the bonds which +hold the body to the spirit. There came upon me then that moral spleen +which, they say, the strongest wrestlers know in the crisis of their +combats, a species of cold madness which makes a coward of the bravest +man, a bigot of an unbeliever, and renders those it grasps indifferent +to all things, even to vital sentiments, to honor, to love--for the +doubt it brings takes from us the knowledge of ourselves and disgusts +us with life itself. Poor, nervous creatures, whom the very richness +of your organization delivers over to this mysterious, fatal power, +who are your peers and who your judges? Horrified by the thoughts that +rose within me, and demanding, like the wicked man, "Where is now thy +God?" I could not restrain the tears that rolled down my cheeks. + +"What is it, dear Felix?" said Madeleine in her childish voice. + +Then Henriette put to flight these dark horrors of the mind by a look +of tender solicitude which shone into my soul like a sunbeam. Just +then the old huntsman brought me a letter from Tours, at sight of +which I made a sudden cry of surprise, which made Madame de Mortsauf +tremble. I saw the king's signet and knew it contained my recall. I +gave her the letter and she read it at a glance. + +"What will become of me?" she murmured, beholding her desert sunless. + +We fell into a stupor of thought which oppressed us equally; never had +we felt more strongly how necessary we were to one another. The +countess, even when she spoke indifferently of other things, seemed to +have a new voice, as if the instrument had lost some chords and others +were out of tune. Her movements were apathetic, her eyes without +light. I begged her to tell me her thoughts. + +"Have I any?" she replied in a dazed way. + +She drew me into her chamber, made me sit upon the sofa, took a +package from the drawer of her dressing-table, and knelt before me, +saying: "This hair has fallen from my head during the last year; take +it, it is yours; you will some day know how and why." + +Slowly I bent to meet her brow, and she did not avoid my lips. I +kissed her sacredly, without unworthy passion, without one impure +impulse, but solemnly, with tenderness. Was she willing to make the +sacrifice; or did she merely come, as I did once, to the verge of the +precipice? If love were leading her to give herself could she have +worn that calm, that holy look; would she have asked, in that pure +voice of hers, "You are not angry with me, are you?" + +I left that evening; she wished to accompany me on the road to +Frapesle; and we stopped under my walnut-tree. I showed it to her, and +told her how I had first seen her four years earlier from that spot. +"The valley was so beautiful then!" I cried. + +"And now?" she said quickly. + +"You are beneath my tree, and the valley is ours!" + +She bowed her head and that was our farewell; she got into her +carriage with Madeleine, and I into mine alone. + +On my return to Paris I was absorbed in pressing business which took +all my time and kept me out of society, which for a while forgot me. I +corresponded with Madame de Mortsauf, and sent her my journal once a +week. She answered twice a month. It was a life of solitude yet +teeming, like those sequestered spots, blooming unknown, which I had +sometimes found in the depths of woods when gathering the flowers for +my poems. + +Oh, you who love! take these obligations on you; accept these daily +duties, like those the Church imposes upon Christians. The rigorous +observances of the Roman faith contain a great idea; they plough the +furrow of duty in the soul by the daily repetition of acts which keep +alive the sense of hope and fear. Sentiments flow clearer in furrowed +channels which purify their stream; they refresh the heart, they +fertilize the life from the abundant treasures of a hidden faith, the +source divine in which the single thought of a single love is +multiplied indefinitely. + +My love, an echo of the Middle Ages and of chivalry, was known, I know +not how; possibly the king and the Duc de Lenoncourt had spoken of it. +From that upper sphere the romantic yet simple story of a young man +piously adoring a beautiful woman remote from the world, noble in her +solitude, faithful without support to duty, spread, no doubt quickly, +through the faubourg St. Germain. In the salons I was the object of +embarrassing notice; for retired life has advantages which if once +experienced make the burden of a constant social intercourse +insupportable. Certain minds are painfully affected by violent +contrasts, just as eyes accustomed to soft colors are hurt by glaring +light. This was my condition then; you may be surprised at it now, but +have patience; the inconsistencies of the Vandenesse of to-day will be +explained to you. + +I found society courteous and women most kind. After the marriage of +the Duc de Berry the court resumed its former splendor and the glory +of the French fetes revived. The Allied occupation was over, +prosperity reappeared, enjoyments were again possible. Noted +personages, illustrious by rank, prominent by fortune, came from all +parts of Europe to the capital of the intellect, where the merits and +the vices of other countries were found magnified and whetted by the +charms of French intellect. + +Five months after leaving Clochegourde my good angel wrote me, in the +middle of the winter, a despairing letter, telling me of the serious +illness of her son. He was then out of danger, but there were many +fears for the future; the doctor said that precautions were necessary +for his lungs--the suggestion of a terrible idea which had put the +mother's heart in mourning. Hardly had Jacques begun to convalesce, +and she could breathe again, when Madeleine made them all uneasy. That +pretty plant, whose bloom had lately rewarded the mother's culture, +was now frail and pallid and anemic. The countess, worn-out by +Jacques' long illness, found no courage, she said, to bear this +additional blow, and the ever present spectacle of these two dear +failing creatures made her insensible to the redoubled torment of her +husband's temper. Thus the storms were again raging; tearing up by the +roots the hopes that were planted deepest in her bosom. She was now at +the mercy of the count; weary of the struggle, she allowed him to +regain all the ground he had lost. + +"When all my strength is employed in caring for my children," she +wrote, "how is it possible to employ it against Monsieur de Mortsauf; +how can I struggle against his aggressions when I am fighting against +death? Standing here to-day, alone and much enfeebled, between these +two young images of mournful fate, I am overpowered with disgust, +invincible disgust for life. What blow can I feel, to what affection +can I answer, when I see Jacques motionless on the terrace, scarcely a +sign of life about him, except in those dear eyes, large by +emaciation, hollow as those of an old man and, oh, fatal sign, full of +precocious intelligence contrasting with his physical debility. When I +look at my pretty Madeleine, once so gay, so caressing, so blooming, +now white as death, her very hair and eyes seem to me to have paled; +she turns a languishing look upon me as if bidding me farewell; +nothing rouses her, nothing tempts her. In spite of all my efforts I +cannot amuse my children; they smile at me, but their smile is only in +answer to my endearments, it does not come from them. They weep +because they have no strength to play with me. Suffering has enfeebled +their whole being, it has loosened even the ties that bound them to +me. + +"Thus you can well believe that Clochegourde is very sad. Monsieur de +Mortsauf now rules everything--Oh my friend! you, my glory!" she +wrote, farther on, "you must indeed love me well to love me still; to +love me callous, ungrateful, turned to stone by grief." + + + +CHAPTER III + +THE TWO WOMEN + +It was at this time, when I was never more deeply moved in my whole +being, when I lived in that soul to which I strove to send the +luminous breeze of the mornings and the hope of the crimsoned +evenings, that I met, in the salons of the Elysee-Bourbon, one of +those illustrious ladies who reign as sovereigns in society. Immensely +rich, born of a family whose blood was pure from all misalliance since +the Conquest, married to one of the most distinguished old men of the +British peerage, it was nevertheless evident that these advantages +were mere accessories heightening this lady's beauty, graces, manners, +and wit, all of which had a brilliant quality which dazzled before it +charmed. She was the idol of the day; reigning the more securely over +Parisian society because she possessed the quality most necessary to +success,--the hand of iron in the velvet glove spoken of by +Bernadotte. + +You know the singular characteristics of English people, the distance +and coldness of their own Channel which they put between them and +whoever has not been presented to them in a proper manner. Humanity +seems to be an ant-hill on which they tread; they know none of their +species except the few they admit into their circle; they ignore even +the language of the rest; tongues may move and eyes may see in their +presence but neither sound nor look has reached them; to them, the +people are as if they were not. The British present an image of their +own island, where law rules everything, where all is automatic in +every station of life, where the exercise of virtue appears to be the +necessary working of a machine which goes by clockwork. Fortifications +of polished steel rise around the Englishwoman behind the golden wires +of her household cage (where the feed-box and the drinking-cup, the +perches and the food are exquisite in quality), but they make her +irresistibly attractive. No people ever trained married women so +carefully to hypocrisy by holding them rigidly between the two +extremes of death or social station; for them there is no middle path +between shame and honor; either the wrong is completed or it does not +exist; it is all or nothing,--Hamlet's "To be or not to be." This +alternative, coupled with the scorn to which the customs of her +country have trained her, make an Englishwoman a being apart in the +world. She is a helpless creature, forced to be virtuous yet ready to +yield, condemned to live a lie in her heart, yet delightful in outward +appearance--for these English rest everything on appearances. Hence +the special charms of their women: the enthusiasm for a love which is +all their life; the minuteness of their care for their persons; the +delicacy of their passion, so charmingly rendered in the famous scene +of Romeo and Juliet in which, with one stroke, Shakespeare's genius +depicted his country-women. + +You, who envy them so many things, what can I tell you that you do not +know of these white sirens, impenetrable apparently but easily +fathomed, who believe that love suffices love, and turn enjoyments to +satiety by never varying them; whose soul has one note only, their +voice one syllable--an ocean of love in themselves, it is true, and he +who has never swum there misses part of the poetry of the senses, as +he who has never seen the sea has lost some strings of his lyre. You +know the why and wherefore of these words. My relations with the +Marchioness of Dudley had a disastrous celebrity. At an age when the +senses have dominion over our conduct, and when in my case they had +been violently repressed by circumstances, the image of the saint +bearing her slow martyrdom at Clochegourde shone so vividly before my +mind that I was able to resist all seductions. It was the lustre of +this fidelity which attracted Lady Dudley's attention. My resistance +stimulated her passion. What she chiefly desired, like many +Englishwoman, was the spice of singularity; she wanted pepper, +capsicum, with her heart's food, just as Englishmen need condiments to +excite their appetite. The dull languor forced into the lives of these +women by the constant perfection of everything about them, the +methodical regularity of their habits, leads them to adore the +romantic and to welcome difficulty. I was wholly unable to judge of +such a character. The more I retreated to a cold distance the more +impassioned Lady Dudley became. The struggle, in which she gloried, +excited the curiosity of several persons, and this in itself was a +form of happiness which to her mind made ultimate triumph obligatory. +Ah! I might have been saved if some good friend had then repeated to +me her cruel comment on my relations with Madame de Mortsauf. + +"I am wearied to death," she said, "of these turtle-dove sighings." + +Without seeking to justify my crime, I ask you to observe, Natalie, +that a man has fewer means of resisting a woman than she has of +escaping him. Our code of manners forbids the brutality of repressing +a woman, whereas repression with your sex is not only allurement to +ours, but is imposed upon you by conventions. With us, on the +contrary, some unwritten law of masculine self-conceit ridicules a +man's modesty; we leave you the monopoly of that virtue, that you may +have the privilege of granting us favors; but reverse the case, and +man succumbs before sarcasm. + +Though protected by my love, I was not of an age to be wholly +insensible to the triple seductions of pride, devotion, and beauty. +When Arabella laid at my feet the homage of a ball-room where she +reigned a queen, when she watched by glance to know if my taste +approved of her dress, and when she trembled with pleasure on seeing +that she pleased me, I was affected by her emotion. Besides, she +occupied a social position where I could not escape her; I could not +refuse invitations in the diplomatic circle; her rank admitted her +everywhere, and with the cleverness all women display to obtain what +pleases them, she often contrived that the mistress of the house +should place me beside her at dinner. On such occasions she spoke in +low tones to my ear. "If I were loved like Madame de Mortsauf," she +said once, "I should sacrifice all." She did submit herself with a +laugh in many humble ways; she promised me a discretion equal to any +test, and even asked that I would merely suffer her to love me. "Your +friend always, your mistress when you will," she said. At last, after +an evening when she had made herself so beautiful that she was certain +to have excited my desires, she came to me. The scandal resounded +through England, where the aristocracy was horrified like heaven +itself at the fall of its highest angel. Lady Dudley abandoned her +place in the British empyrean, gave up her wealth, and endeavored to +eclipse by her sacrifices HER whose virtue had been the cause of this +great disaster. She took delight, like the devil on the pinnacle of +the temple, in showing me all the riches of her passionate kingdom. + +Read me, I pray you, with indulgence. The matter concerns one of the +most interesting problems of human life,--a crisis to which most men +are subjected, and which I desire to explain, if only to place a +warning light upon the reef. This beautiful woman, so slender, so +fragile, this milk-white creature, so yielding, so submissive, so +gentle, her brow so endearing, the hair that crowns it so fair and +fine, this tender woman, whose brilliancy is phosphorescent and +fugitive, has, in truth, an iron nature. No horse, no matter how fiery +he may be, can conquer her vigorous wrist, or strive against that hand +so soft in appearance, but never tired. She has the foot of a doe, a +thin, muscular little foot, indescribably graceful in outline. She is +so strong that she fears no struggle; men cannot follow her on +horseback; she would win a steeple-chase against a centaur; she can +bring down a stag without stopping her horse. Her body never +perspires; it inhales the fire of the atmosphere, and lives in water +under pain of not living at all. Her love is African; her desires are +like the whirlwinds of the desert--the desert, whose torrid expanse is +in her eyes, the azure, love-laden desert, with its changeless skies, +its cool and starry nights. What a contrast to Clochegourde! the east +and the west! the one drawing into her every drop of moisture for her +own nourishment, the other exuding her soul, wrapping her dear ones in +her luminous atmosphere; the one quick and slender; the other slow and +massive. + +Have you ever reflected on the actual meaning of the manners and +customs and morals of England? Is it not the deification of matter? a +well-defined, carefully considered Epicureanism, judiciously applied? +No matter what may be said against the statement, England is +materialist,--possibly she does not know it herself. She lays claim to +religion and morality, from which, however, divine spirituality, the +catholic soul, is absent; and its fructifying grace cannot be replaced +by any counterfeit, however well presented it may be. England +possesses in the highest degree that science of existence which turns +to account every particle of materiality; the science that makes her +women's slippers the most exquisite slippers in the world, gives to +their linen ineffable fragrance, lines their drawers with cedar, +serves tea carefully drawn, at a certain hour, banishes dust, nails +the carpets to the floors in every corner of the house, brushes the +cellar walls, polishes the knocker of the front door, oils the springs +of the carriage,--in short, makes matter a nutritive and downy pulp, +clean and shining, in the midst of which the soul expires of enjoyment +and the frightful monotony of comfort in a life without contrasts, +deprived of spontaneity, and which, to sum all in one word, makes a +machine of you. + +Thus I suddenly came to know, in the bosom of this British luxury, a +woman who is perhaps unique among her sex; who caught me in the nets +of a love excited by my indifference, and to the warmth of which I +opposed a stern continence,--one of those loves possessed of +overwhelming charm, an electricity of their own, which lead us to the +skies through the ivory gates of slumber, or bear us thither on their +powerful pinions. A love monstrously ungrateful, which laughs at the +bodies of those it kills; love without memory, a cruel love, +resembling the policy of the English nation; a love to which, alas, +most men yield. You understand the problem? Man is composed of matter +and spirit; animality comes to its end in him, and the angel begins in +him. There lies the struggle we all pass through, between the future +destiny of which we are conscious and the influence of anterior +instincts from which we are not wholly detached,--carnal love and +divine love. One man combines them, another abstains altogether; some +there are who seek the satisfaction of their anterior appetites from +the whole sex; others idealize their love in one woman who is to them +the universe; some float irresolutely between the delights of matter +and the joys of soul, others spiritualize the body, requiring of it +that which it cannot give. + +If, thinking over these leading characteristics of love, you take into +account the dislikes and the affinities which result from the +diversity of organisms, and which sooner or later break all ties +between those who have not fully tried each other; if you add to this +the mistakes arising from the hopes of those who live more +particularly either by their minds, or by their hearts, or by action, +who either think, or feel, or act, and whose tendency is misunderstood +in the close association in which two persons, equal counterparts, +find themselves, you will have great indulgence for sorrows to which +the world is pitiless. Well, Lady Dudley gratified the instincts, +organs, appetites, the vices and virtues of the subtile matter of +which we are made; she was the mistress of the body; Madame de +Mortsauf was the wife of the soul. The love which the mistress +satisfies has its limits; matter is finite, its inherent qualities +have an ascertained force, it is capable of saturation; often I felt a +void even in Paris, near Lady Dudley. Infinitude is the region of the +heart, love had no limits at Clochegourde. I loved Lady Dudley +passionately; and certainly, though the animal in her was magnificent, +she was also superior in mind; her sparkling and satirical +conversation had a wide range. But I adored Henriette. At night I wept +with happiness, in the morning with remorse. + +Some women have the art to hide their jealousy under a tone of angelic +kindness; they are, like Lady Dudley, over thirty years of age. Such +women know how to feel and how to calculate; they press out the juices +of to-day and think of the future also; they can stifle a moan, often +a natural one, with the will of a huntsman who pays no heed to a wound +in the ardor of the chase. Without ever speaking of Madame de +Mortsauf, Arabella endeavored to kill her in my soul, where she ever +found her, her own passion increasing with the consciousness of that +invincible love. Intending to triumph by comparisons which would turn +to her advantage, she was never suspicious, or complaining, or +inquisitive, as are most young women; but, like a lioness who has +seized her prey and carries it to her lair to devour, she watched that +nothing should disturb her feast, and guarded me like a rebellious +captive. I wrote to Henriette under her very eyes, but she never read +a line of my letters; she never sought in any way to know to whom they +were addressed. I had my liberty; she seemed to say to herself, "If I +lose him it shall be my own fault," and she proudly relied on a love +that would have given me her life had I asked for it,--in fact she +often told me that if I left her she would kill herself. I have heard +her praise the custom of Indian widows who burn themselves upon their +husband's grave. "In India that is a distinction reserved for the +higher classes," she said, "and is very little understood by +Europeans, who are incapable of understanding the grandeur of the +privilege; you must admit, however, that on the dead level of our +modern customs aristocracy can rise to greatness only through +unparalleled devotions. How can I prove to the middle classes that the +blood in my veins is not the same as theirs, unless I show them that I +can die as they cannot? Women of no birth can have diamonds and satins +and horses--even coats-of-arms, which ought to be sacred to us, for +any one can buy a name. But to love, with our heads up, in defiance of +law; to die for the idol we have chosen, with the sheets of our bed +for a shroud; to lay earth and heaven at his feet, robbing the +Almighty of his right to make a god, and never to betray that man, +never, never, even for virtue's sake,--for, to refuse him anything in +the name of duty is to devote ourselves to something that is not HE, +and let that something be a man or an idea, it is betrayal all the +same,--these are heights to which common women cannot attain; they +know but two matter-of-fact ways; the great high-road of virtue, or +the muddy path of the courtesan." + +Pride, you see, was her instrument; she flattered all vanities by +deifying them. She put me so high that she might live at my feet; in +fact, the seductions of her spirit were literally expressed by an +attitude of subserviency and her complete submission. In what words +shall I describe those first six months when I was lost in enervating +enjoyments, in the meshes of a love fertile in pleasures and knowing +how to vary them with a cleverness learned by long experience, yet +hiding that knowledge beneath the transports of passion. These +pleasures, the sudden revelation of the poetry of the senses, +constitute the powerful tie which binds young men to women older than +they. It is the chain of the galley-slave; it leaves an ineffaceable +brand upon the soul, filling it with disgust for pure and innocent +love decked with flowers only, which serves no alcohol in curiously +chased cups inlaid with jewels and sparkling with unquenchable fires. + +Recalling my early dreams of pleasures I knew nothing of, expressed at +Clochegourde in my "selams," the voice of my flowers, pleasures which +the union of souls renders all the more ardent, I found many +sophistries by which I excused to myself the delight with which I +drained that jewelled cup. Often, when, lost in infinite lassitude, my +soul disengaged itself from the body and floated far from earth, I +thought that these pleasures might be the means of abolishing matter +and of rendering to the spirit its power to soar. Sometimes Lady +Dudley, like other women, profited by the exaltation in which I was to +bind me by promises; under the lash of a desire she wrung blasphemies +from my lips against the angel at Clochegourde. Once a traitor I +became a scoundrel. I continued to write to Madame de Mortsauf, in the +tone of the lad she had first known in his strange blue coat; but, I +admit it, her gift of second-sight terrified me when I thought what +ruin the indiscretion of a word might bring to the dear castle of my +hopes. Often, in the midst of my pleasure a sudden horror seized me; I +heard the name of Henriette uttered by a voice above me, like that in +the Scriptures, demanding: "Cain, where is thy brother Abel?" + +At last my letters remained unanswered. I was seized with horrible +anxiety and wished to leave for Clochegourde. Arabella did not oppose +it, but she talked of accompanying me to Touraine. Her woman's wit +told her that the journey might be a means of finally detaching me +from her rival; while I, blind with fear and guilelessly unsuspicious, +did not see the trap she set for me. Lady Dudley herself proposed the +humblest concessions. She would stay near Tours, at a little country- +place, alone, disguised; she would refrain from going out in the day- +time, and only meet me in the evening when people were not likely to +be about. I left Tours on horseback. I had my reasons for this; my +evening excursions to meet her would require a horse, and mine was an +Arab which Lady Hester Stanhope had sent to the marchioness, and which +she had lately exchanged with me for that famous picture of Rembrandt +which I obtained in so singular a way, and which now hangs in her +drawing-room in London. I took the road I had traversed on foot six +years earlier and stopped beneath my walnut-tree. From there I saw +Madame de Mortsauf in a white dress standing at the edge of the +terrace. Instantly I rode towards her with the speed of lightning, in +a straight line and across country. She heard the stride of the +swallow of the desert and when I pulled him up suddenly at the +terrace, she said to me: "Oh, you here!" + +Those three words blasted me. She knew my treachery. Who had told her? +her mother, whose hateful letter she afterwards showed me. The feeble, +indifferent voice, once so full of life, the dull pallor of its tones +revealed a settled grief, exhaling the breath of flowers cut and left +to wither. The tempest of infidelity, like those freshets of the Loire +which bury the meadows for all time in sand, had torn its way through +her soul, leaving a desert where once the verdure clothed the fields. +I led my horse through the little gate; he lay down on the grass at my +command and the countess, who came forward slowly, exclaimed, "What a +fine animal!" She stood with folded arms lest I should try to take her +hand; I guessed her meaning. + +"I will let Monsieur de Mortsauf know you are here," she said, leaving +me. + +I stood still, confounded, letting her go, watching her, always noble, +slow, and proud,--whiter than I had ever seen her; on her brow the +yellow imprint of bitterest melancholy, her head bent like a lily +heavy with rain. + +"Henriette!" I cried in the agony of a man about to die. + +She did not turn or pause; she disdained to say that she withdrew from +me that name, but she did not answer to it and continued on. I may +feel paltry and small in this dreadful vale of life where myriads of +human beings now dust make the surface of the globe, small indeed +among that crowd, hurrying beneath the luminous spaces which light +them; but what sense of humiliation could equal that with which I +watched her calm white figure inflexibly mounting with even steps the +terraces of her chateau of Clochegourde, the pride and the torture of +that Christian Dido? I cursed Arabella in a single imprecation which +might have killed her had she heard it, she who had left all for me as +some leave all for God. I remained lost in a world of thought, +conscious of utter misery on all sides. Presently I saw the whole +family coming down; Jacques, running with the eagerness of his age. +Madeleine, a gazelle with mournful eyes, walked with her mother. +Monsieur de Mortsauf came to me with open arms, pressed me to him and +kissed me on both cheeks crying out, "Felix, I know now that I owed +you my life." + +Madame de Mortsauf stood with her back towards me during this little +scene, under pretext of showing the horse to Madeleine. + +"Ha, the devil! that's what women are," cried the count; "admiring +your horse!" + +Madeleine turned, came up to me, and I kissed her hand, looking at the +countess, who colored. + +"Madeleine seems much better," I said. + +"Poor little girl!" said the countess, kissing her on her forehead. + +"Yes, for the time being they are all well," answered the count. +"Except me, Felix; I am as battered as an old tower about to fall." + +"The general is still depressed," I remarked to Madame de Mortsauf. + +"We all have our blue devils--is not that the English term?" she +replied. + +The whole party walked on towards the vineyard with the feeling that +some serious event had happened. She had no wish to be alone with me. +Still, I was her guest. + +"But about your horse? why isn't he attended to?" said the count. + +"You see I am wrong if I think of him, and wrong if I do not," +remarked the countess. + +"Well, yes," said her husband; "there is a time to do things, and a +time not to do them." + +"I will attend to him," I said, finding this sort of greeting +intolerable. "No one but myself can put him into his stall; my groom +is coming by the coach from Chinon; he will rub him down." + +"I suppose your groom is from England," she said. + +"That is where they all come from," remarked the count, who grew +cheerful in proportion as his wife seemed depressed. Her coldness gave +him an opportunity to oppose her, and he overwhelmed me with +friendliness. + +"My dear Felix," he said, taking my hand, and pressing it +affectionately, "pray forgive Madame de Mortsauf; women are so +whimsical. But it is owing to their weakness; they cannot have the +evenness of temper we owe to our strength of character. She really +loves you, I know it; only--" + +While the count was speaking Madame de Mortsauf gradually moved away +from us so as to leave us alone. + +"Felix," said the count, in a low voice, looking at his wife, who was +now going up to the house with her two children, "I don't know what is +going on in Madame de Mortsauf's mind, but for the last six weeks her +disposition has completely changed. She, so gentle, so devoted +hitherto, is now extraordinarily peevish." + +Manette told me later that the countess had fallen into a state of +depression which made her indifferent to the count's provocations. No +longer finding a soft substance in which he could plant his arrows, +the man became as uneasy as a child when the poor insect it is +tormenting ceases to move. He now needed a confidant, as the hangman +needs a helper. + +"Try to question Madame de Mortsauf," he said after a pause, "and find +out what is the matter. A woman always has secrets from her husband; +but perhaps she will tell you what troubles her. I would sacrifice +everything to make her happy, even to half my remaining days or half +my fortune. She is necessary to my very life. If I have not that angel +at my side as I grow old I shall be the most wretched of men. I do +desire to die easy. Tell her I shall not be here long to trouble her. +Yes, Felix, my poor friend, I am going fast, I know it. I hide the +fatal truth from every one; why should I worry them beforehand? The +trouble is in the orifice of the stomach, my friend. I have at last +discovered the true cause of this disease; it is my sensibility that +is killing me. Indeed, all our feelings affect the gastric centre." + +"Then do you mean," I said, smiling, "that the best-hearted people die +of their stomachs?" + +"Don't laugh, Felix; nothing is more absolutely true. Too keen a +sensibility increases the play of the sympathetic nerve; these +excitements of feeling keep the mucous membrane of the stomach in a +state of constant irritation. If this state continues it deranges, at +first insensibly, the digestive functions; the secretions change, the +appetite is impaired, and the digestion becomes capricious; sharp +pains are felt; they grow worse day by day, and more frequent; then +the disorder comes to a crisis, as if a slow poison were passing the +alimentary canal; the mucous membrane thickens, the valve of the +pylorus becomes indurated and forms a scirrhus, of which the patient +dies. Well, I have reached that point, my dear friend. The induration +is proceeding and nothing checks it. Just look at my yellow skin, my +feverish eyes, my excessive thinness. I am withering away. But what is +to be done? I brought the seeds of the disease home with me from the +emigration; heaven knows what I suffered then! My marriage, which +might have repaired the wrong, far from soothing my ulcerated mind +increased the wound. What did I find? ceaseless fears for the +children, domestic jars, a fortune to remake, economies which required +great privations, which I was obliged to impose upon my wife, but +which I was the one to suffer from; and then,--I can tell this to none +but you, Felix,--I have a worse trouble yet. Though Blanche is an +angel, she does not understand me; she knows nothing of my sufferings +and she aggravates them; but I forgive her. It is a dreadful thing to +say, my friend, but a less virtuous woman might have made me more +happy by lending herself to consolations which Blanche never thinks +of, for she is as silly as a child. Moreover my servants torment me; +blockheads who take my French for Greek! When our fortune was finally +remade inch by inch, and I had some relief from care, it was too late, +the harm was done; I had reached the period when the appetite is +vitiated. Then came my severe illness, so ill-managed by Origet. In +short, I have not six months to live." + +I listened to the count in terror. On meeting the countess I had been +struck with her yellow skin and the feverish brilliancy of her eyes. I +led the count towards the house while seeming to listen to his +complaints and his medical dissertations; but my thoughts were all +with Henriette, and I wanted to observe her. We found her in the +salon, where she was listening to a lesson in mathematics which the +Abbe Dominis was giving Jacques, and at the same time showing +Madeleine a stitch of embroidery. Formerly she would have laid aside +every occupation the day of my arrival to be with me. But my love was +so deeply real that I drove back into my heart the grief I felt at +this contrast between the past and the present, and thought only of +the fatal yellow tint on that celestial face, which resembled the halo +of divine light Italian painters put around the faces of their saints. +I felt the icy wind of death pass over me. Then when the fire of her +eyes, no longer softened by the liquid light in which in former times +they moved, fell upon me, I shuddered; I noticed several changes, +caused by grief, which I had not seen in the open air. The slender +lines which, at my last visit, were so lightly marked upon her +forehead had deepened; her temples with their violet veins seemed +burning and concave; her eyes were sunk beneath the brows, their +circles browned;--alas! she was discolored like a fruit when decay is +beginning to show upon the surface, or a worm is at the core. I, whose +whole ambition had been to pour happiness into her soul, I it was who +embittered the spring from which she had hoped to refresh her life and +renew her courage. I took a seat beside her and said in a voice filled +with tears of repentance, "Are you satisfied with your own health?" + +"Yes," she answered, plunging her eyes into mine. "My health is +there," she added, motioning to Jacques and Madeleine. + +The latter, just fifteen, had come victoriously out of her struggle +with anaemia, and was now a woman. She had grown tall; the Bengal +roses were blooming in her once sallow cheeks. She had lost the +unconcern of a child who looks every one in the face, and now dropped +her eyes; her movements were slow and infrequent, like those of her +mother; her figure was slim, but the gracefulness of the bust was +already developing; already an instinct of coquetry had smoothed the +magnificent black hair which lay in bands upon her Spanish brow. She +was like those pretty statuettes of the Middle Ages, so delicate in +outline, so slender in form that the eye as it seizes their charm +fears to break them. Health, the fruit of untold efforts, had made her +cheeks as velvety as a peach and given to her throat the silken down +which, like her mother's, caught the light. She was to live! God had +written it, dear bud of the loveliest of human flowers, on the long +lashes of her eyelids, on the curve of those shoulders which gave +promise of a development as superb as her mother's! This brown young +girl, erect as a poplar, contrasted with Jacques, a fragile youth of +seventeen, whose head had grown immensely, causing anxiety by the +rapid expansion of the forehead, while his feverish, weary eyes were +in keeping with a voice that was deep and sonorous. The voice gave +forth too strong a volume of tone, the eye too many thoughts. It was +Henriette's intellect and soul and heart that were here devouring with +swift flames a body without stamina; for Jacques had the milk-white +skin and high color which characterize young English women doomed +sooner or later to the consumptive curse,--an appearance of health +that deceives the eye. Following a sign by which Henriette, after +showing me Madeleine, made me look at Jacques drawing geometrical +figures and algebraic calculations on a board before the Abbe Dominis, +I shivered at the sight of death hidden beneath the roses, and was +thankful for the self-deception of his mother. + +"When I see my children thus, happiness stills my griefs--just as +those griefs are dumb, and even disappear, when I see them failing. My +friend," she said, her eyes shining with maternal pleasure, "if other +affections fail us, the feelings rewarded here, the duties done and +crowned with success, are compensation enough for defeat elsewhere. +Jacques will be, like you, a man of the highest education, possessed +of the worthiest knowledge; he will be, like you, an honor to his +country, which he may assist in governing, helped by you, whose +standing will be so high; but I will strive to make him faithful to +his first affections. Madeleine, dear creature, has a noble heart; she +is pure as the snows on the highest Alps; she will have a woman's +devotion and a woman's graceful intellect. She is proud; she is worthy +of being a Lenoncourt. My motherhood, once so tried, so tortured, is +happy now, happy with an infinite happiness, unmixed with pain. Yes, +my life is full, my life is rich. You see, God makes my joy to blossom +in the heart of these sanctified affections, and turns to bitterness +those that might have led me astray--" + +"Good!" cried the abbe, joyfully. "Monsieur le vicomte begins to know +as much as I--" + +Just then Jacques coughed. + +"Enough for to-day, my dear abbe," said the countess, "above all, no +chemistry. Go for a ride on horseback, Jacques," she added, letting +her son kiss her with the tender and yet dignified pleasure of a +mother. "Go, dear, but take care of yourself." + +"But," I said, as her eyes followed Jacques with a lingering look, +"you have not answered me. Do you feel ill?" + +"Oh, sometimes, in my stomach. If I were in Paris I should have the +honors of gastritis, the fashionable disease." + +"My mother suffers very much and very often," said Madeleine. + +"Ah!" she said, "does my health interest you?" + +Madeleine, astonished at the irony of these words, looked from one to +the other; my eyes counted the roses on the cushion of the gray and +green sofa which was in the salon. + +"This situation is intolerable," I whispered in her ear. + +"Did I create it?" she asked. "Dear child," she said aloud, with one +of those cruel levities by which women point their vengeance, "don't +you read history? France and England are enemies, and ever have been. +Madeleine knows that; she knows that a broad sea, and a cold and +stormy one, separates them." + +The vases on the mantelshelf had given place to candelabra, no doubt +to deprive me of the pleasure of filling them with flowers; I found +them later in my own room. When my servant arrived I went out to give +him some orders; he had brought me certain things I wished to place in +my room. + +"Felix," said the countess, "do not make a mistake. My aunt's old room +is now Madeleine's. Yours is over the count's." + +Though guilty, I had a heart; those words were dagger thrusts coldly +given at its tenderest spot, for which she seemed to aim. Moral +sufferings are not fixed quantities; they depend on the sensitiveness +of souls. The countess had trod each round of the ladder of pain; but, +for that very reason, the kindest of women was now as cruel as she was +once beneficent. I looked at Henriette, but she averted her head. I +went to my new room, which was pretty, white and green. Once there I +burst into tears. Henriette heard me as she entered with a bunch of +flowers in her hand. + +"Henriette," I said, "will you never forgive a wrong that is indeed +excusable?" + +"Do not call me Henriette," she said. "She no longer exists, poor +soul; but you may feel sure of Madame de Mortsauf, a devoted friend, +who will listen to you and who will love you. Felix, we will talk of +these things later. If you have still any tenderness for me let me +grow accustomed to seeing you. Whenever words will not rend my heart, +if the day should ever come when I recover courage, I will speak to +you, but not till then. Look at the valley," she said, pointing to the +Indre, "it hurts me, I love it still." + +"Ah, perish England and all her women! I will send my resignation to +the king; I will live and die here, pardoned." + +"No, love her; love that woman! Henriette is not. This is no play, and +you should know it." + +She left the room, betraying by the tone of her last words the extent +of her wounds. I ran after her and held her back, saying, "Do you no +longer love me?" + +"You have done me more harm than all my other troubles put together. +To-day I suffer less, therefore I love you less. Be kind; do not +increase my pain; if you suffer, remember that--I--live." + +She withdrew her hand, which I held, cold, motionless, but moist, in +mine, and darted like an arrow through the corridor in which this +scene of actual tragedy took place. + +At dinner, the count subjected me to a torture I had little expected. +"So the Marchioness of Dudley is not in Paris?" he said. + +I blushed excessively, but answered, "No." + +"She is not in Tours," continued the count. + +"She is not divorced, and she can go back to England. Her husband +would be very glad if she would return to him," I said, eagerly. + +"Has she children?" asked Madame de Mortsauf, in a changed voice. + +"Two sons," I replied. + +"Where are they?" + +"In England, with their father." + +"Come, Felix," interposed the count; "be frank; is she as handsome as +they say?" + +"How can you ask him such a question?" cried the countess. "Is not the +woman you love always the handsomest of women?" + +"Yes, always," I said, firmly, with a glance which she could not +sustain. + +"You are a happy fellow," said the count; "yes, a very happy one. Ha! +in my young days, I should have gone mad over such a conquest--" + +"Hush!" said Madame de Mortsauf, reminding the count of Madeleine by a +look. + +"I am not a child," he said. + +When we left the table I followed the countess to the terrace. When we +were alone she exclaimed, "How is it possible that some women can +sacrifice their children to a man? Wealth, position, the world, I can +conceive of; eternity? yes, possibly; but children! deprive one's self +of one's children!" + +"Yes, and such women would give even more if they had it; they +sacrifice everything." + +The world was suddenly reversed before her, her ideas became confused. +The grandeur of that thought struck her; a suspicion entered her mind +that sacrifice, immolation justified happiness; the echo of her own +inward cry for love came back to her; she stood dumb in presence of +her wasted life. Yes, for a moment horrible doubts possessed her; then +she rose, grand and saintly, her head erect. + +"Love her well, Felix," she said, with tears in her eyes; "she shall +be my happy sister. I will forgive her the harm she has done me if she +gives you what you could not have here. You are right; I have never +told you that I loved you, and I never have loved you as the world +loves. But if she is a mother how can she love you so?" + +"Dear saint," I answered, "I must be less moved than I am now, before +I can explain to you how it is that you soar victoriously above her. +She is a woman of earth, the daughter of decaying races; you are the +child of heaven, an angel worthy of worship; you have my heart, she my +flesh only. She knows this and it fills her with despair; she would +change parts with you even though the cruellest martyrdom were the +price of the change. But all is irremediable. To you the soul, to you +the thoughts, the love that is pure, to you youth and old age; to her +the desires and joys of passing passion; to you remembrance forever, +to her oblivion--" + +"Tell me, tell me that again, oh, my friend!" she turned to a bench +and sat down, bursting into tears. "If that be so, Felix, virtue, +purity of life, a mother's love, are not mistakes. Oh, pour that balm +upon my wounds! Repeat the words which bear me back to heaven, where +once I longed to rise with you. Bless me by a look, by a sacred word, +--I forgive you for the sufferings you have caused me the last two +months." + +"Henriette, there are mysteries in the life of men of which you know +nothing. I met you at an age when the feelings of the heart stifle the +desires implanted in our nature; but many scenes, the memory of which +will kindle my soul to the hour of death, must have told you that this +age was drawing to a close, and it was your constant triumph still to +prolong its mute delights. A love without possession is maintained by +the exasperation of desire; but there comes a moment when all is +suffering within us--for in this we have no resemblance to you. We +possess a power we cannot abdicate, or we cease to be men. Deprived of +the nourishment it needs, the heart feeds upon itself, feeling an +exhaustion which is not death, but which precedes it. Nature cannot +long be silenced; some trifling accident awakens it to a violence that +seems like madness. No, I have not loved, but I have thirsted in the +desert." + +"The desert!" she said bitterly, pointing to the valley. "Ah!" she +exclaimed, "how he reasons! what subtle distinctions! Faithful hearts +are not so learned." + +"Henriette," I said, "do not quarrel with me for a chance expression. +No, my soul has not vacillated, but I have not been master of my +senses. That woman is not ignorant that you are the only one I ever +loved. She plays a secondary part in my life; she knows it and is +resigned. I have the right to leave her as men leave courtesans." + +"And then?" + +"She tells me that she will kill herself," I answered, thinking that +this resolve would startle Henriette. But when she heard it a +disdainful smile, more expressive than the thoughts it conveyed, +flickered on her lips. "My dear conscience," I continued, "if you +would take into account my resistance and the seductions that led to +my fall you would understand the fatal--" + +"Yes, fatal!" she cried. "I believed in you too much. I believed you +capable of the virtue a priest practises. All is over," she continued, +after a pause. "I owe you much, my friend; you have extinguished in me +the fires of earthly life. The worst of the way is over; age is coming +on. I am ailing now, soon I may be ill; I can never be the brilliant +fairy who showers you with favors. Be faithful to Lady Dudley. +Madeleine, whom I was training to be yours, ah! who will have her now? +Poor Madeleine, poor Madeleine!" she repeated, like the mournful +burden of a song. "I would you had heard her say to me when you came: +'Mother, you are not kind to Felix!' Dear creature!" + +She looked at me in the warm rays of the setting sun as they glided +through the foliage. Seized with compassion for the shipwreck of our +lives she turned back to memories of our pure past, yielding to +meditations which were mutual. We were silent, recalling past scenes; +our eyes went from the valley to the fields, from the windows of +Clochegourde to those of Frapesle, peopling the dream with my +bouquets, the fragrant language of our desires. It was her last hour +of pleasure, enjoyed with the purity of her Catholic soul. This scene, +so grand to each of us, cast its melancholy on both. She believed my +words, and saw where I placed her--in the skies. + +"My friend," she said, "I obey God, for his hand is in all this." + +I did not know until much later the deep meaning of her words. We +slowly returned up the terraces. She took my arm and leaned upon it +resignedly, bleeding still, but with a bandage on her wound. + +"Human life is thus," she said. "What had Monsieur de Mortsauf done to +deserve his fate? It proves the existence of a better world. Alas, for +those who walk in happier ways!" + +She went on, estimating life so truly, considering its diverse aspects +so profoundly that these cold judgments revealed to me the disgust +that had come upon her for all things here below. When we reached the +portico she dropped my arm and said these last words: "If God has +given us the sentiment and the desire for happiness ought he not to +take charge himself of innocent souls who have found sorrow only in +this low world? Either that must be so, or God is not, and our life is +no more than a cruel jest." + +She entered and turned the house quickly; I found her on the sofa, +crouching, as though blasted by the voice which flung Saul to the +ground. + +"What is the matter?" I asked. + +"I no longer know what is virtue," she replied; "I have no +consciousness of my own." + +We were silent, petrified, listening to the echo of those words which +fell like a stone cast into a gulf. + +"If I am mistaken in my life SHE is right in HERS," Henriette said at +last. + +Thus her last struggle followed her last happiness. When the count +came in she complained of illness, she who never complained. I +conjured her to tell me exactly where she suffered; but she refused to +explain and went to bed, leaving me a prey to unending remorse. +Madeleine went with her mother, and the next day I heard that the +countess had been seized with nausea, caused, she said, by the violent +excitements of that day. Thus I, who longed to give my life for hers, +I was killing her. + +"Dear count," I said to Monsieur de Mortsauf, who obliged me to play +backgammon, "I think the countess very seriously ill. There is still +time to save her; pray send for Origet, and persuade her to follow his +advice." + +"Origet, who half killed me?" cried the count. "No, no; I'll consult +Carbonneau." + +During this week, especially the first days of it, everything was +anguish to me--the beginning of paralysis of the heart--my vanity was +mortified, my soul rent. One must needs have been the centre of all +looks and aspirations, the mainspring of the life about him, the torch +from which all others drew their light, to understand the horror of +the void that was now about me. All things were there, the same, but +the spirit that gave life to them was extinct, like a blown-out flame. +I now understood the desperate desire of lovers never to see each +other again when love has flown. To be nothing where we were once so +much! To find the chilling silence of the grave where life so lately +sparkled! Such comparisons are overwhelming. I came at last to envy +the dismal ignorance of all happiness which had darkened my youth. My +despair became so great that the countess, I thought, felt pity for +it. One day after dinner as we were walking on the meadows beside the +river I made a last effort to obtain forgiveness. I told Jacques to go +on with his sister, and leaving the count to walk alone, I took +Henriette to the punt. + +"Henriette," I said; "one word of forgiveness, or I fling myself into +the Indre! I have sinned,--yes, it is true; but am I not like a dog in +his faithful attachments? I return like him, like him ashamed. If he +does wrong he is struck, but he loves the hand that strikes him; +strike me, bruise me, but give me back your heart." + +"Poor child," she said, "are you not always my son?" + +She took my arm and silently rejoined her children, with whom she +returned to Clochegourde, leaving me to the count, who began to talk +politics apropos of his neighbors. + +"Let us go in," I said; "you are bare-headed, and the dew may do you +an injury." + +"You pity me, my dear Felix," he answered; "you understand me, but my +wife never tries to comfort me,--on principle, perhaps." + +Never would she have left me to walk home with her husband; it was now +I who had to find excuses to join her. I found her with her children, +explaining the rules of backgammon to Jacques. + +"See there," said the count, who was always jealous of the affection +she showed for her children; "it is for them that I am neglected. +Husbands, my dear Felix, are always suppressed. The most virtuous +woman in the world has ways of satisfying her desire to rob conjugal +affection." + +She said nothing and continued as before. + +"Jacques," he said, "come here." + +Jacques objected slightly. + +"Your father wants you; go at once, my son," said his mother, pushing +him. + +"They love me by order," said the old man, who sometimes perceived his +situation. + +"Monsieur," she answered, passing her hand over Madeleine's smooth +tresses, which were dressed that day "a la belle Ferronniere"; "do not +be unjust to us poor women; life is not so easy for us to bear. +Perhaps the children are the virtues of a mother." + +"My dear," said the count, who took it into his head to be logical, +"what you say signifies that women who have no children would have no +virtue, and would leave their husbands in the lurch." + +The countess rose hastily and took Madeleine to the portico. + +"That's marriage, my dear fellow," remarked the count to me. "Do you +mean to imply by going off in that manner that I am talking nonsense?" +he cried to his wife, taking his son by the hand and going to the +portico after her with a furious look in his eyes. + +"On the contrary, Monsieur, you frightened me. Your words hurt me +cruelly," she added, in a hollow voice. "If virtue does not consist in +sacrificing everything to our children and our husband, what is +virtue?" + +"Sac-ri-ficing!" cried the count, making each syllable the blow of a +sledge-hammer on the heart of his victim. "What have you sacrificed to +your children? What do you sacrifice to me? Speak! what means all +this? Answer. What is going on here? What did you mean by what you +said?" + +"Monsieur," she replied, "would you be satisfied to be loved for love +of God, or to know your wife virtuous for virtue's sake?" + +"Madame is right," I said, interposing in a shaken voice which +vibrated in two hearts; "yes, the noblest privilege conferred by +reason is to attribute our virtues to the beings whose happiness is +our work, and whom we render happy, not from policy, nor from duty, +but from an inexhaustible and voluntary affection--" + +A tear shone in Henriette's eyes. + +"And, dear count," I continued, "if by chance a woman is involuntarily +subjected to feelings other than those society imposes on her, you +must admit that the more irresistible that feeling is, the more +virtuous she is in smothering it, in sacrificing herself to her +husband and children. This theory is not applicable to me who +unfortunately show an example to the contrary, nor to you whom it will +never concern." + +"You have a noble soul, Felix," said the count, slipping his arm, not +ungracefully, round his wife's waist and drawing her towards him to +say: "Forgive a poor sick man, dear, who wants to be loved more than +he deserves." + +"There are some hearts that are all generosity," she said, resting her +head upon his shoulder. The scene made her tremble to such a degree +that her comb fell, her hair rolled down, and she turned pale. The +count, holding her up, gave a sort of groan as he felt her fainting; +he caught her in his arms as he might a child, and carried her to the +sofa in the salon, where we all surrounded her. Henriette held my hand +in hers as if to tell me that we two alone knew the secret of that +scene, so simple in itself, so heart-rending to her. + +"I do wrong," she said to me in a low voice, when the count left the +room to fetch a glass of orange-flower water. "I have many wrongs to +repent of towards you; I wished to fill you with despair when I ought +to have received you mercifully. Dear, you are kindness itself, and I +alone can appreciate it. Yes, I know there is a kindness prompted by +passion. Men have various ways of being kind; some from contempt, +others from impulse, from calculation, through indolence of nature; +but you, my friend, you have been absolutely kind." + +"If that be so," I replied, "remember that all that is good or great +in me comes through you. You know well that I am of your making." + +"That word is enough for any woman's happiness," she said, as the +count re-entered the room. "I feel better," she said, rising; "I want +air." + +We went down to the terrace, fragrant with the acacias which were +still in bloom. She had taken my right arm, and pressed it against her +heart, thus expressing her sad thoughts; but they were, she said, of a +sadness dear to her. No doubt she would gladly have been alone with +me; but her imagination, inexpert in women's wiles, did not suggest to +her any way of sending her children and the count back to the house. +We therefore talked on indifferent subjects, while she pondered a +means of pouring a few last thoughts from her heart to mine. + +"It is a long time since I have driven out," she said, looking at the +beauty of the evening. "Monsieur, will you please order the carriage +that I may take a turn?" + +She knew that after evening prayer she could not speak with me, for +the count was sure to want his backgammon. She might have returned to +the warm and fragrant terrace after her husband had gone to bed, but +she feared, perhaps, to trust herself beneath those shadows, or to +walk by the balustrade where our eyes could see the course of the +Indre through the dear valley. As the silent and sombre vaults of a +cathedral lift the soul to prayer, so leafy ways, lighted by the moon, +perfumed with penetrating odors, alive with the murmuring noises of +the spring-tide, stir the fibres and weaken the resolves of those who +love. The country calms the old, but excites the young. We knew it +well. Two strokes of the bell announced the hour of prayer. The +countess shivered. + +"Dear Henriette, are you ill?" + +"There is no Henriette," she said. "Do not bring her back. She was +capricious and exacting; now you have a friend whose courage has been +strengthened by the words which heaven itself dictated to you. We will +talk of this later. We must be punctual at prayers, for it is my day +to lead them." + +As Madame de Mortsauf said the words in which she begged the help of +God through all the adversities of life, a tone came into her voice +which struck all present. Did she use her gift of second sight to +foresee the terrible emotion she was about to endure through my +forgetfulness of an engagement made with Arabella? + +"We have time to make three kings before the horses are harnessed," +said the count, dragging me back to the salon. "You can go and drive +with my wife, and I'll go to bed." + +The game was stormy, like all others. The countess heard the count's +voice either from her room or from Madeleine's. + +"You show a strange hospitality," she said, re-entering the salon. + +I looked at her with amazement; I could not get accustomed to the +change in her; formerly she would have been most careful not to +protect me against the count; then it gladdened her that I should +share her sufferings and bear them with patience for love of her. + +"I would give my life," I whispered in her ear, "if I could hear you +say again, as you once said, 'Poor dear, poor dear!'" + +She lowered her eyes, remembering the moment to which I alluded, yet +her glance turned to me beneath her eyelids, expressing the joy of a +woman who finds the mere passing tones from her heart preferred to the +delights of another love. The count was losing the game; he said he +was tired, as an excuse to give it up, and we went to walk on the lawn +while waiting for the carriage. When the count left us, such pleasure +shone on my face that Madame de Mortsauf questioned me by a look of +surprise and curiosity. + +"Henriette does exist," I said. "You love me still. You wound me with +an evident intention to break my heart. I may yet be happy!" + +"There was but a fragment of that poor woman left, and you have now +destroyed even that," she said. "God be praised; he gives me strength +to bear my righteous martyrdom. Yes, I still love you, and I might +have erred; the English woman shows me the abyss." + +We got into the carriage and the coachman asked for orders. + +"Take the road to Chinon by the avenue, and come back by the +Charlemagne moor and the road to Sache." + +"What day is it?" I asked, with too much eagerness. + +"Saturday." + +"Then don't go that way, madame, the road will be crowded with +poultry-men and their carts returning from Tours." + +"Do as I told you," she said to the coachman. We knew the tones of our +voices too well to be able to hide from each other our least emotion. +Henriette understood all. + +"You did not think of the poultry-men when you appointed this +evening," she said with a tinge of irony. "Lady Dudley is at Tours, +and she is coming here to meet you; do not deny it. 'What day is +it?--the poultry-men--their carts!' Did you ever take notice of such +things in our old drives?" + +"It only shows that at Clochegourde I forget everything," I answered, +simply. + +"She is coming to meet you?" + +"Yes." + +"At what hour?" + +"Half-past eleven." + +"Where?" + +"On the moor." + +"Do not deceive me; is it not at the walnut-tree?" + +"On the moor." + +"We will go there," she said, "and I shall see her." + +When I heard these words I regarded my future life as settled. I at +once resolved to marry Lady Dudley and put an end to the miserable +struggle which threatened to exhaust my sensibilities and destroy by +these repeated shocks the delicate delights which had hitherto +resembled the flower of fruits. My sullen silence wounded the +countess, the grandeur of whose mind I misjudged. + +"Do not be angry with me," she said, in her golden voice. "This, dear, +is my punishment. You can never be loved as you are here," she +continued, laying my hand upon her heart. "I now confess it; but Lady +Dudley has saved me. To her the stains,--I do not envy them,--to me +the glorious love of angels! I have traversed vast tracts of thought +since you returned here. I have judged life. Lift up the soul and you +rend it; the higher we go the less sympathy we meet; instead of +suffering in the valley, we suffer in the skies, as the soaring eagle +bears in his heart the arrow of some common herdsman. I comprehend at +last that earth and heaven are incompatible. Yes, to those who would +live in the celestial sphere God must be all in all. We must love our +friends as we love our children,--for them, not for ourselves. Self is +the cause of misery and grief. My soul is capable of soaring higher +than the eagle; there is a love which cannot fail me. But to live for +this earthly life is too debasing,--here the selfishness of the senses +reigns supreme over the spirituality of the angel that is within us. +The pleasures of passion are stormy, followed by enervating anxieties +which impair the vigor of the soul. I came to the shores of the sea +where such tempests rage; I have seen them too near; they have wrapped +me in their clouds; the billows did not break at my feet, they caught +me in a rough embrace which chilled my heart. No! I must escape to +higher regions; I should perish on the shores of this vast sea. I see +in you, as in all others who have grieved me, the guardian of my +virtue. My life has been mingled with anguish, fortunately +proportioned to my strength; it has thus been kept free from evil +passions, from seductive peace, and ever near to God. Our attachment +was the mistaken attempt, the innocent effort of two children striving +to satisfy their own hearts, God, and men--folly, Felix! Ah," she said +quickly, "what does that woman call you?" + +"'Amedee,'" I answered, "'Felix' is a being apart, who belongs to none +but you." + +"'Henriette' is slow to die," she said, with a gentle smile, "but die +she will at the first effort of the humble Christian, the self- +respecting mother; she whose virtue tottered yesterday and is firm +to-day. What may I say to you? This. My life has been, and is, +consistent with itself in all its circumstances, great and small. The +heart to which the rootlets of my first affection should have clung, +my mother's heart, was closed to me, in spite of my persistence in +seeking a cleft through which they might have slipped. I was a girl; I +came after the death of three boys; and I vainly strove to take their +place in the hearts of my parents; the wound I gave to the family +pride was never healed. When my gloomy childhood was over and I knew +my aunt, death took her from me all too soon. Monsieur de Mortsauf, to +whom I vowed myself, has repeatedly, nay without respite, smitten me, +not being himself aware of it, poor man! His love has the simple- +minded egotism our children show to us. He has no conception of the +harm he does me, and he is heartily forgiven for it. My children, +those dear children who are bound to my flesh through their +sufferings, to my soul by their characters, to my nature by their +innocent happiness,--those children were surely given to show me how +much strength and patience a mother's breast contains. Yes, my +children are my virtues. You know how my heart has been harrowed for +them, by them, in spite of them. To be a mother was, for me, to buy +the right to suffer. When Hagar cried in the desert an angel came and +opened a spring of living water for that poor slave; but I, when the +limpid stream to which (do you remember?) you tried to guide me flowed +past Clochegourde, its waters changed to bitterness for me. Yes, the +sufferings you have inflicted on my soul are terrible. God, no doubt, +will pardon those who know affection only through its pains. But if +the keenest of these pains has come to me through you, perhaps I +deserved them. God is not unjust. Ah, yes, Felix, a kiss furtively +taken may be a crime. Perhaps it is just that a woman should harshly +expiate the few steps taken apart from husband and children that she +might walk alone with thoughts and memories that were not of them, and +so walking, marry her soul to another. Perhaps it is the worst of +crimes when the inward being lowers itself to the region of human +kisses. When a woman bends to receive her husband's kiss with a mask +upon her face, that is a crime! It is a crime to think of a future +springing from a death, a crime to imagine a motherhood without +terrors, handsome children playing in the evening with a beloved +father before the eyes of a happy mother. Yes, I sinned, sinned +greatly. I have loved the penances inflicted by the Church,--which did +not redeem the faults, for the priest was too indulgent. God has +placed the punishment in the faults themselves, committing the +execution of his vengeance to the one for whom the faults were +committed. When I gave my hair, did I not give myself? Why did I so +often dress in white? because I seemed the more your lily; did you not +see me here, for the first time, all in white? Alas! I have loved my +children less, for all intense affection is stolen from the natural +affections. Felix, do you not see that all suffering has its meaning. +Strike me, wound me even more than Monsieur de Mortsauf and my +children's state have wounded me. That woman is the instrument of +God's anger; I will meet her without hatred; I will smile upon her; +under pain of being neither Christian, wife, nor mother, I ought to +love her. If, as you tell me, I contributed to keep your heart +unsoiled by the world, that Englishwoman ought not to hate me. A woman +should love the mother of the man she loves, and I am your mother. +What place have I sought in your heart? that left empty by Madame de +Vandenesse. Yes, yes, you have always complained of my coldness; yes, +I am indeed your mother only. Forgive me therefore the involuntary +harshness with which I met you on your return; a mother ought to +rejoice that her son is so well loved--" + +She laid her head for a moment on my breast, repeating the words, +"Forgive me! oh, forgive me!" in a voice that was neither her girlish +voice with its joyous notes, nor the woman's voice with despotic +endings; not the sighing sound of the mother's woe, but an agonizing +new voice for new sorrows. + +"You, Felix," she presently continued, growing animated; "you are the +friend who can do no wrong. Ah! you have lost nothing in my heart; do +not blame yourself, do not feel the least remorse. It was the height +of selfishness in me to ask you to sacrifice the joys of life to an +impossible future; impossible, because to realize it a woman must +abandon her children, abdicate her position, and renounce eternity. +Many a time I have thought you higher than I; you were great and +noble, I, petty and criminal. Well, well, it is settled now; I can be +to you no more than a light from above, sparkling and cold, but +unchanging. Only, Felix, let me not love the brother I have chosen +without return. Love me, cherish me! The love of a sister has no +dangerous to-morrow, no hours of difficulty. You will never find it +necessary to deceive the indulgent heart which will live in future +within your life, grieve for your griefs, be joyous with your joys, +which will love the women who make you happy, and resent their +treachery. I never had a brother to love in that way. Be noble enough +to lay aside all self-love and turn our attachment, hitherto so +doubtful and full of trouble, into this sweet and sacred love. In this +way I shall be enabled to still live. I will begin to-night by taking +Lady Dudley's hand." + +She did not weep as she said these words so full of bitter knowledge, +by which, casting aside the last remaining veil which hid her soul +from mine, she showed by how many ties she had linked herself to me, +how many chains I had hewn apart. Our emotions were so great that for +a time we did not notice it was raining heavily. + +"Will Madame la comtesse wait here under shelter?" asked the coachman, +pointing to the chief inn of Ballan. + +She made a sign of assent, and we stayed nearly half an hour under the +vaulted entrance, to the great surprise of the inn-people who wondered +what brought Madame de Mortsauf on that road at eleven o'clock at +night. Was she going to Tours? Had she come from there? When the storm +ceased and the rain turned to what is called in Touraine a "brouee," +which does not hinder the moon from shining through the higher mists +as the wind with its upper currents whirls them away, the coachman +drove from our shelter, and, to my great delight, turned to go back +the way we came. + +"Follow my orders," said the countess, gently. + +We now took the road across the Charlemagne moor, where the rain began +again. Half-way across I heard the barking of Arabella's dog; a horse +came suddenly from beneath a clump of oaks, jumped the ditch which +owners of property dig around their cleared lands when they consider +them suitable for cultivation, and carried Lady Dudley to the moor to +meet the carriage. + +"What pleasure to meet a love thus if it can be done without sin," +said Henriette. + +The barking of the dog had told Lady Dudley that I was in the +carriage. She thought, no doubt, that I had brought it to meet her on +account of the rain. When we reached the spot where she was waiting, +she urged her horse to the side of the road with the equestrian +dexterity for which she was famous, and which to Henriette seemed +marvellous. + +"Amedee," she said, and the name in her English pronunciation had a +fairy-like charm. + +"He is here, madame," said the countess, looking at the fantastic +creature plainly visible in the moonlight, whose impatient face was +oddly swathed in locks of hair now out of curl. + +You know with what swiftness two women examine each other. The +Englishwoman recognized her rival, and was gloriously English; she +gave us a look full of insular contempt, and disappeared in the +underbrush with the rapidity of an arrow. + +"Drive on quickly to Clochegourde," cried the countess, to whom that +cutting look was like the blow of an axe upon her heart. + +The coachman turned to get upon the road to Chinon which was better +than that to Sache. As the carriage again approached the moor we heard +the furious galloping of Arabella's horse and the steps of her dog. +All three were skirting the wood behind the bushes. + +"She is going; you will lose her forever," said Henriette. + +"Let her go," I answered, "and without a regret." + +"Oh, poor woman!" cried the countess, with a sort of compassionate +horror. "Where will she go?" + +"Back to La Grenadiere,--a little house near Saint-Cyr," I said, +"where she is staying." + +Just as we were entering the avenue of Clochegourde Arabella's dog +barked joyfully and bounded up to the carriage. + +"She is here before us!" cried the countess; then after a pause she +added, "I have never seen a more beautiful woman. What a hand and what +a figure! Her complexion outdoes the lily, her eyes are literally +bright as diamonds. But she rides too well; she loves to display her +strength; I think her violent and too active,--also too bold for our +conventions. The woman who recognizes no law is apt to listen only to +her caprices. Those who seek to shine, to make a stir, have not the +gift of constancy. Love needs tranquillity; I picture it to myself +like a vast lake in which the lead can find no bottom; where tempests +may be violent, but are rare and controlled within certain limits; +where two beings live on a flowery isle far from the world whose +luxury and display offend them. Still, love must take the imprint of +the character. Perhaps I am wrong. If nature's elements are compelled +to take certain forms determined by climate, why is it not the same +with the feelings of individuals? No doubt sentiments, feelings, which +hold to the general law in the mass, differ in expression only. Each +soul has its own method. Lady Dudley is the strong woman who can +traverse distances and act with the vigor of a man; she would rescue +her lover and kill jailers and guards; while other women can only love +with their whole souls; in moments of danger they kneel down to pray, +and die. Which of the two women suits you best? That is the question. +Yes, yes, Lady Dudley must surely love; she has made many sacrifices. +Perhaps she will love you when you have ceased to love her!" + +"Dear angel," I said, "let me ask the question you asked me; how is it +that you know these things?" + +"Every sorrow teaches a lesson, and I have suffered on so many points +that my knowledge is vast." + +My servant had heard the order given, and thinking we should return by +the terraces he held my horse ready for me in the avenue. Arabella's +dog had scented the horse, and his mistress, drawn by very natural +curiosity, had followed the animal through the woods to the avenue. + +"Go and make your peace," said Henriette, smiling without a tinge of +sadness. "Say to Lady Dudley how much she mistakes my intention; I +wished to show her the true value of the treasure which has fallen to +her; my heart holds none but kind feelings, above all neither anger +nor contempt. Explain to her that I am her sister, and not her rival." + +"I shall not go," I said. + +"Have you never discovered," she said with lofty pride, "that certain +propitiations are insulting? Go!" + +I rode towards Lady Dudley wishing to know the state of her mind. "If +she would only be angry and leave me," I thought, "I could return to +Clochegourde." + +The dog led me to an oak, from which, as I came up, Arabella galloped +crying out to me, "Come! away! away!" All that I could do was to +follow her to Saint Cyr, which we reached about midnight. + +"That lady is in perfect health," said Arabella as she dismounted. + +Those who know her can alone imagine the satire contained in that +remark, dryly said in a tone which meant, "I should have died!" + +"I forbid you to utter any of your sarcasms about Madame de Mortsauf," +I said. + +"Do I displease your Grace in remarking upon the perfect health of one +so dear to your precious heart? Frenchwomen hate, so I am told, even +their lover's dog. In England we love all that our masters love; we +hate all they hate, because we are flesh of their flesh. Permit me +therefore to love this lady as much as you yourself love her. Only, my +dear child," she added, clasping me in her arms which were damp with +rain, "if you betray me, I shall not be found either lying down or +standing up, not in a carriage with liveried lackeys, nor on horseback +on the moors of Charlemagne, nor on any other moor beneath the skies, +nor in my own bed, nor beneath a roof of my forefathers; I shall not +be anywhere, for I will live no longer. I was born in Lancashire, a +country where women die for love. Know you, and give you up? I will +yield you to none, not even to Death, for I should die with you." + +She led me to her rooms, where comfort had already spread its charms. + +"Love her, dear," I said warmly. "She loves you sincerely, not in +jest." + +"Sincerely! you poor child!" she said, unfastening her habit. + +With a lover's vanity I tried to exhibit Henriette's noble character +to this imperious creature. While her waiting-woman, who did not +understand a word of French, arranged her hair I endeavored to picture +Madame de Mortsauf by sketching her life; I repeated many of the great +thoughts she had uttered at a crisis when nearly all women become +either petty or bad. Though Arabella appeared to be paying no +attention she did not lose a single word. + +"I am delighted," she said when we were alone, "to learn your taste +for pious conversation. There's an old vicar on one of my estates who +understands writing sermons better than any one I know; the country- +people like him, for he suits his prosing to his hearers. I'll write +to my father to-morrow and ask him to send the good man here by +steamboat; you can meet him in Paris, and when once you have heard him +you will never wish to listen to any one else,--all the more because +his health is perfect. His moralities won't give you shocks that make +you weep; they flow along without tempests, like a limpid stream, and +will send you to sleep. Every evening you can if you like satisfy your +passion for sermons by digesting one with your dinner. English +morality, I do assure you, is as superior to that of Touraine as our +cutlery, our plate, and our horses are to your knives and your turf. +Do me the kindness to listen to my vicar; promise me. I am only a +woman, my dearest; I can love, I can die for you if you will; but I +have never studied at Eton, or at Oxford, or in Edinburgh. I am +neither a doctor of laws nor a reverend; I can't preach morality; in +fact, I am altogether unfit for it, I should be awkward if I tried. I +don't blame your tastes; you might have others more depraved, and I +should still endeavor to conform to them, for I want you to find near +me all you like best,--pleasures of love, pleasures of food, pleasures +of piety, good claret, and virtuous Christians. Shall I wear hair- +cloth to-night? She is very lucky, that woman, to suit you in +morality. From what college did she graduate? Poor I, who can only +give you myself, who can only be your slave--" + +"Then why did you rush away when I wanted to bring you together?" + +"Are you crazy, Amedee? I could go from Paris to Rome disguised as a +valet; I would do the most unreasonable thing for your sake; but how +can you expect me to speak to a woman on the public roads who has +never been presented to me,--and who, besides, would have preached me +a sermon under three heads? I speak to peasants, and if I am hungry I +would ask a workman to share his bread with me and pay him in guineas, +--that is all proper enough; but to stop a carriage on the highway, +like the gentlemen of the road in England, is not at all within my +code of manners. You poor child, you know only how to love; you don't +know how to live. Besides, I am not like you as yet, dear angel; I +don't like morality. Still, I am capable of great efforts to please +you. Yes, I will go to work; I will learn how to preach; you shall +have no more kisses without verses of the Bible interlarded." + +She used her power and abused it as soon as she saw in my eyes the +ardent expression which was always there when she began her sorceries. +She triumphed over everything, and I complacently told myself that the +woman who loses all, sacrifices the future, and makes love her only +virtue, is far above Catholic polemics. + +"So she loves herself better than she loves you?" Arabella went on. +"She sets something that is not you above you. Is that love? how can +we women find anything to value in ourselves except that which you +value in us? No woman, no matter how fine a moralist she may be, is +the equal of a man. Tread upon us, kill us; never embarrass your lives +on our account. It is for us to die, for you to live, great and +honored. For us the dagger in your hand; for you our pardoning love. +Does the sun think of the gnats in his beams, that live by his light? +they stay as long as they can and when he withdraws his face they +die--" + +"Or fly somewhere else," I said interrupting her. + +"Yes, somewhere else," she replied, with an indifference that would +have piqued any man into using the power with which she invested him. +"Do you really think it is worthy of womanhood to make a man eat his +bread buttered with virtue, and to persuade him that religion is +incompatible with love? Am I a reprobate? A woman either gives herself +or she refuses. But to refuse and moralize is a double wrong, and is +contrary to the rule of the right in all lands. Here, you will get +only excellent sandwiches prepared by the hand of your servant +Arabella, whose sole morality is to imagine caresses no man has yet +felt and which the angels inspire." + +I know nothing more destructive than the wit of an Englishwoman; she +gives it the eloquent gravity, the tone of pompous conviction with +which the British hide the absurdities of their life of prejudice. +French wit and humor, on the other hand, is like a lace with which our +women adorn the joys they give and the quarrels they invent; it is a +mental jewelry, as charming as their pretty dresses. English wit is an +acid which corrodes all those on whom it falls until it bares their +bones, which it scrapes and polishes. The tongue of a clever +Englishwoman is like that of a tiger tearing the flesh from the bone +when he is only in play. All-powerful weapon of a sneering devil, +English satire leaves a deadly poison in the wound it makes. Arabella +chose to show her power like the sultan who, to prove his dexterity, +cut off the heads of unoffending beings with his own scimitar. + +"My angel," she said, "I can talk morality too if I choose. I have +asked myself whether I commit a crime in loving you; whether I violate +the divine laws; and I find that my love for you is both natural and +pious. Why did God create some beings handsomer than others if not to +show us that we ought to adore them? The crime would be in not loving +you. This lady insults you by confounding you with other men; the laws +of morality are not applicable to you; for God has created you above +them. Am I not drawing nearer to divine love in loving you? will God +punish a poor woman for seeking the divine? Your great and luminous +heart so resembles the heavens that I am like the gnats which flutter +about the torches of a fete and burn themselves; are they to be +punished for their error? besides, is it an error? may it not be pure +worship of the light? They perish of too much piety,--if you call it +perishing to fling one's self on the breast of him we love. I have the +weakness to love you, whereas that woman has the strength to remain in +her Catholic shrine. Now, don't frown. You think I wish her ill. No, I +do not. I adore the morality which has led her to leave you free, and +enables me to win you and hold you forever--for you are mine forever, +are you not?" + +"Yes." + +"Forever and ever?" + +"Yes." + +"Ah! I have found favor in my lord! I alone have understood his worth! +She knows how to cultivate her estate, you say. Well, I leave that to +farmers; I cultivate your heart." + +I try to recall this intoxicating babble, that I may picture to you +the woman as she is, confirm all I have said of her, and let you into +the secret of what happened later. But how shall I describe the +accompaniment of the words? She sought to annihilate by the passion of +her impetuous love the impressions left in my heart by the chaste and +dignified love of my Henriette. Lady Dudley had seen the countess as +plainly as the countess had seen her; each had judged the other. The +force of Arabella's attack revealed to me the extent of her fear, and +her secret admiration for her rival. In the morning I found her with +tearful eyes, complaining that she had not slept. + +"What troubles you?" I said. + +"I fear that my excessive love will ruin me," she answered; "I have +given all. Wiser than I, that woman possesses something that you still +desire. If you prefer her, forget me; I will not trouble you with my +sorrows, my remorse, my sufferings; no, I will go far away and die, +like a plant deprived of the life-giving sun." + +She was able to wring protestations of love from my reluctant lips, +which filled her with joy. + +"Ah!" she exclaimed, drying her eyes, "I am happy. Go back to her; I +do not choose to owe you to the force of my love, but to the action of +your own will. If you return here I shall know that you love me as +much as I love you, the possibility of which I have always doubted." + +She persuaded me to return to Clochegourde. The false position in +which I thus placed myself did not strike me while still under the +influence of her wiles. Yet, had I refused to return I should have +given Lady Dudley a triumph over Henriette. Arabella would then have +taken me to Paris. To go now to Clochegourde was an open insult to +Madame de Mortsauf; in that case Arabella was sure of me. Did any +woman ever pardon such crimes against love? Unless she were an angel +descended from the skies, instead of a purified spirit ascending to +them, a loving woman would rather see her lover die than know him +happy with another. Thus, look at it as I would, my situation, after I +had once left Clochegourde for the Grenadiere, was as fatal to the +love of my choice as it was profitable to the transient love that held +me. Lady Dudley had calculated all this with consummate cleverness. +She owned to me later that if she had not met Madame de Mortsauf on +the moor she had intended to compromise me by haunting Clochegourde +until she did so. + +When I met the countess that morning, and found her pale and depressed +like one who has not slept all night, I was conscious of exercising +the instinctive perception given to hearts still fresh and generous to +show them the true bearing of actions little regarded by the world at +large, but judged as criminal by lofty spirits. Like a child going +down a precipice in play and gathering flowers, who sees with dread +that it can never climb that height again, feels itself alone, with +night approaching, and hears the howls of animals, so I now knew that +she and I were separated by a universe. A wail arose within our souls +like an echo of that woeful "Consummatum est" heard in the churches on +Good Friday at the hour the Saviour died,--a dreadful scene which awes +young souls whose first love is religion. All Henriette's illusions +were killed at one blow; her heart had endured its passion. She did +not look at me; she refused me the light that for six long years had +shone upon my life. She knew well that the spring of the effulgent +rays shed by our eyes was in our souls, to which they served as +pathways to reach each other, to blend them in one, meeting, parting, +playing, like two confiding women who tell each other all. Bitterly I +felt the wrong of bringing beneath this roof, where pleasure was +unknown, a face on which the wings of pleasure had shaken their +prismatic dust. If, the night before, I had allowed Lady Dudley to +depart alone, if I had then returned to Clochegourde, where, it may +be, Henriette awaited me, perhaps--perhaps Madame de Mortsauf might +not so cruelly have resolved to be my sister. But now she paid me many +ostentatious attentions,--playing her part vehemently for the very +purpose of not changing it. During breakfast she showed me a thousand +civilities, humiliating attentions, caring for me as though I were a +sick man whose fate she pitied. + +"You were out walking early," said the count; "I hope you have brought +back a good appetite, you whose stomach is not yet destroyed." + +This remark, which brought the smile of a sister to Henriette's lips, +completed my sense of the ridicule of my position. It was impossible +to be at Clochegourde by day and Saint-Cyr by night. During the day I +felt how difficult it was to become the friend of a woman we have long +loved. The transition, easy enough when years have brought it about, +is like an illness in youth. I was ashamed; I cursed the pleasure Lady +Dudley gave me; I wished that Henriette would demand my blood. I could +not tear her rival in pieces before her, for she avoided speaking of +her; indeed, had I spoken of Arabella, Henriette, noble and sublime to +the inmost recesses of her heart, would have despised my infamy. After +five years of delightful intercourse we now had nothing to say to each +other; our words had no connection with our thoughts; we were hiding +from each other our intolerable pain,--we, whose mutual sufferings had +been our first interpreter. + +Henriette assumed a cheerful look for me as for herself, but she was +sad. She spoke of herself as my sister, and yet found no ground on +which to converse; and we remained for the greater part of the time in +constrained silence. She increased my inward misery by feigning to +believe that she was the only victim. + +"I suffer more than you," I said to her at a moment when my self- +styled sister was betrayed into a feminine sarcasm. + +"How so?" she said haughtily. + +"Because I am the one to blame." + +At last her manner became so cold and indifferent that I resolved to +leave Clochegourde. That evening, on the terrace, I said farewell to +the whole family, who were there assembled. They all followed me to +the lawn where my horse was waiting. The countess came to me as I took +the bridle in my hand. + +"Let us walk down the avenue together, alone," she said. + +I gave her my arm, and we passed through the courtyard with slow and +measured steps, as though our rhythmic movement were consoling to us. +When we reached the grove of trees which forms a corner of the +boundary she stopped. + +"Farewell, my friend," she said, throwing her head upon my breast and +her arms around my neck, "Farewell, we shall never meet again. God has +given me the sad power to look into the future. Do you remember the +terror that seized me the day you first came back, so young, so +handsome! and I saw you turn your back on me as you do this day when +you are leaving Clochegourde and going to Saint-Cyr? Well, once again, +during the past night I have seen into the future. Friend, we are +speaking together for the last time. I can hardly now say a few words +to you, for it is but a part of me that speaks at all. Death has +already seized on something in me. You have taken the mother from her +children, I now ask you to take her place to them. You can; Jacques +and Madeleine love you--as if you had always made them suffer." + +"Death!" I cried, frightened as I looked at her and beheld the fire of +her shining eyes, of which I can give no idea to those who have never +known their dear ones struck down by her fatal malady, unless I +compare those eyes to balls of burnished silver. "Die!" I said. +"Henriette, I command you to live. You used to ask an oath of me, I +now ask one of you. Swear to me that you will send for Origet and obey +him in everything." + +"Would you oppose the mercy of God?" she said, interrupting me with a +cry of despair at being thus misunderstood. + +"You do not love me enough to obey me blindly, as that miserable Lady +Dudley does?" + +"Yes, yes, I will do all you ask," she cried, goaded by jealousy. + +"Then I stay," I said, kissing her on the eyelids. + +Frightened at the words, she escaped from my arms and leaned against a +tree; then she turned and walked rapidly homeward without looking +back. But I followed her; she was weeping and praying. When we reached +the lawn I took her hand and kissed it respectfully. This submission +touched her. + +"I am yours--forever, and as you will," I said; "for I love you as +your aunt loved you." + +She trembled and wrung my hand. + +"One look," I said, "one more, one last of our old looks! The woman +who gives herself wholly," I cried, my soul illumined by the glance +she gave me, "gives less of life and soul than I have now received. +Henriette, thou art my best-beloved--my only love." + +"I shall live!" she said; "but cure yourself as well." + +That look had effaced the memory of Arabella's sarcasms. Thus I was +the plaything of the two irreconcilable passions I have now described +to you; I was influenced by each alternately. I loved an angel and a +demon; two women equally beautiful,--one adorned with all the virtues +which we decry through hatred of our own imperfections, the other with +all the vices which we deify through selfishness. Returning along that +avenue, looking back again and again at Madame de Mortsauf, as she +leaned against a tree surrounded by her children who waved their +handkerchiefs, I detected in my soul an emotion of pride in finding +myself the arbiter of two such destinies; the glory, in ways so +different, of women so distinguished; proud of inspiring such great +passions that death must come to whichever I abandoned. Ah! believe +me, that passing conceit has been doubly punished! + +I know not what demon prompted me to remain with Arabella and await +the moment when the death of the count might give me Henriette; for +she would ever love me. Her harshness, her tears, her remorse, her +Christian resignation, were so many eloquent signs of a sentiment that +could no more be effaced from her heart than from mine. Walking slowly +down that pretty avenue and making these reflections, I was no longer +twenty-five, I was fifty years old. A man passes in a moment, even +more quickly than a woman, from youth to middle age. Though long ago I +drove these evil thoughts away from me, I was then possessed by them, +I must avow it. Perhaps I owed their presence in my mind to the +Tuileries, to the king's cabinet. Who could resist the polluting +spirit of Louis XVIII.? + +When I reached the end of the avenue I turned and rushed back in the +twinkling of an eye, seeing that Henriette was still there, and alone! +I went to bid her a last farewell, bathed in repentant tears, the +cause of which she never knew. Tears sincere indeed; given, although I +knew it not, to noble loves forever lost, to virgin emotions--those +flowers of our life which cannot bloom again. Later, a man gives +nothing, he receives; he loves himself in his mistress; but in youth +he loves his mistress in himself. Later, we inoculate with our tastes, +perhaps our vices, the woman who loves us; but in the dawn of life she +whom we love conveys to us her virtues, her conscience. She invites us +with a smile to the noble life; from her we learn the self-devotion +which she practises. Woe to the man who has not had his Henriette. Woe +to that other one who has never known a Lady Dudley. The latter, if he +marries, will not be able to keep his wife; the other will be +abandoned by his mistress. But joy to him who can find the two women +in one woman; happy the man, dear Natalie, whom you love. + +After my return to Paris Arabella and I became more intimate than +ever. Soon we insensibly abandoned all the conventional restrictions I +had carefully imposed, the strict observance of which often makes the +world forgive the false position in which Lady Dudley had placed +herself. Society, which delights in looking behind appearances, +sanctions much as soon as it knows the secrets they conceal. Lovers +who live in the great world make a mistake in flinging down these +barriers exacted by the law of salons; they do wrong not to obey +scrupulously all conventions which the manners and customs of a +community impose,--less for the sake of others than for their own. +Outward respect to be maintained, comedies to play, concealments to be +managed; all such strategy of love occupies the life, renews desire, +and protects the heart against the palsy of habit. But all young +passions, being, like youth itself, essentially spendthrift, raze +their forests to the ground instead of merely cutting the timber. +Arabella adopted none of these bourgeois ideas, and yielded to them +only to please me; she wished to exhibit me to the eyes of all Paris +as her "sposo." She employed her powers of seduction to keep me under +her roof, for she was not content with a rumored scandal which, for +want of proof, was only whispered behind the fans. Seeing her so happy +in committing an imprudence which frankly admitted her position, how +could I help believing in her love? + +But no sooner was I plunged into the comforts of illegal marriage than +despair seized upon me; I saw my life bound to a course in direct +defiance of the ideas and the advice given me by Henriette. +Thenceforth I lived in the sort of rage we find in consumptive +patients who, knowing their end is near, cannot endure that their +lungs should be examined. There was no corner in my heart where I +could fly to escape suffering; an avenging spirit filled me +incessantly with thoughts on which I dared not dwell. My letters to +Henriette depicted this moral malady and did her infinite harm. "At +the cost of so many treasures lost, I wished you to be at least +happy," she wrote in the only answer I received. But I was not happy. +Dear Natalie, happiness is absolute; it allows of no comparisons. My +first ardor over, I necessarily compared the two women,--a contrast I +had never yet studied. In fact, all great passions press so strongly +on the character that at first they check its asperities and cover the +track of habits which constitute our defects and our better qualities. +But later, when two lovers are accustomed to each other, the features +of their moral physiognomies reappear; they mutually judge each other, +and it often happens during this reaction of the character after +passion, that natural antipathies leading to disunion (which +superficial people seize upon to accuse the human heart of +instability) come to the surface. This period now began with me. Less +blinded by seductions, and dissecting, as it were, my pleasure, I +undertook, without perhaps intending to do so, a critical examination +of Lady Dudley which resulted to her injury. + +In the first place, I found her wanting in the qualities of mind which +distinguish Frenchwomen and make them so delightful to love; as all +those who have had the opportunity of loving in both countries +declare. When a Frenchwoman loves she is metamorphosed; her noted +coquetry is used to deck her love; she abandons her dangerous vanity +and lays no claim to any merit but that of loving well. She espouses +the interests, the hatreds, the friendships, of the man she loves; she +acquires in a day the experience of a man of business; she studies the +code, she comprehends the mechanism of credit, and could manage a +banker's office; naturally heedless and prodigal, she will make no +mistakes and waste not a single louis. She becomes, in turn, mother, +adviser, doctor, giving to all her transformations a grace of +happiness which reveals, in its every detail, her infinite love. She +combines the special qualities of the women of other countries and +gives unity to the mixture by her wit, that truly French product, +which enlivens, sanctions, justifies, and varies all, thus relieving +the monotony of a sentiment which rests on a single tense of a single +verb. The Frenchwoman loves always, without abatement and without +fatigue, in public or in solitude. In public she uses a tone which has +meaning for one only; she speaks by silence; she looks at you with +lowered eyelids. If the occasion prevents both speech and look she +will use the sand and write a word with the point of her little foot; +her love will find expression even in sleep; in short, she bends the +world to her love. The Englishwoman, on the contrary, makes her love +bend to the world. Educated to maintain the icy manners, the Britannic +and egotistic deportment which I described to you, she opens and shuts +her heart with the ease of a British mechanism. She possesses an +impenetrable mask, which she puts on or takes off phlegmatically. +Passionate as an Italian when no eye sees her, she becomes coldly +dignified before the world. A lover may well doubt his empire when he +sees the immobility of face, the aloofness of countenance, and hears +the calm voice, with which an Englishwoman leaves her boudoir. +Hypocrisy then becomes indifference; she has forgotten all. + +Certainly the woman who can lay aside her love like a garment may be +thought to be capable of changing it. What tempests arise in the heart +of a man, stirred by wounded self-love, when he sees a woman taking +and dropping and again picking up her love like a piece of embroidery. +These women are too completely mistresses of themselves ever to belong +wholly to you; they are too much under the influence of society ever +to let you reign supreme. Where a Frenchwoman comforts by a look, or +betrays her impatience with visitors by witty jests, an Englishwoman's +silence is absolute; it irritates the soul and frets the mind. These +women are so constantly, and, under all circumstances, on their +dignity, that to most of them fashion reigns omnipotent even over +their pleasures. An Englishwoman forces everything into form; though +in her case the love of form does not produce the sentiment of art. No +matter what may be said against it, Protestantism and Catholicism +explain the differences which make the love of Frenchwomen so far +superior to the calculating, reasoning love of Englishwomen. +Protestantism doubts, searches, and kills belief; it is the death of +art and love. Where worldliness is all in all, worldly people must +needs obey; but passionate hearts flee from it; to them its laws are +insupportable. + +You can now understand what a shock my self-love received when I found +that Lady Dudley could not live without the world, and that the +English system of two lives was familiar to her. It was no sacrifice +she felt called upon to make; on the contrary she fell naturally into +two forms of life that were inimical to each other. When she loved she +loved madly,--no woman of any country could be compared to her; but +when the curtain fell upon that fairy scene she banished even the +memory of it. In public she never answered to a look or a smile; she +was neither mistress nor slave; she was like an ambassadress, obliged +to round her phrases and her elbows; she irritated me by her +composure, and outraged my heart with her decorum. Thus she degraded +love to a mere need, instead of raising it to an ideal through +enthusiasm. She expressed neither fear, nor regrets, nor desire; but +at a given hour her tenderness reappeared like a fire suddenly +lighted. + +In which of these two women ought I to believe? I felt, as it were by +a thousand pin-pricks, the infinite differences between Henriette and +Arabella. When Madame de Mortsauf left me for a while she seemed to +leave to the air the duty of reminding me of her; the folds of her +gown as she went away spoke to the eye, as their undulating sound to +the ear when she returned; infinite tenderness was in the way she +lowered her eyelids and looked on the ground; her voice, that musical +voice, was a continual caress; her words expressed a constant thought; +she was always like unto herself; she did not halve her soul to suit +two atmospheres, one ardent, the other icy. In short, Madame de +Mortsauf reserved her mind and the flower of her thought to express +her feelings; she was coquettish in ideas with her children and with +me. But Arabella's mind was never used to make life pleasant; it was +never used at all for my benefit; it existed only for the world and by +the world, and it was spent in sarcasm. She loved to rend, to bite, as +it were,--not for amusement but to satisfy a craving. Madame de +Mortsauf would have hidden her happiness from every eye, Lady Dudley +chose to exhibit hers to all Paris; and yet with her impenetrable +English mask she kept within conventions even while parading in the +Bois with me. This mixture of ostentation and dignity, love and +coldness, wounded me constantly; for my soul was both virgin and +passionate, and as I could not pass from one temperature to the other, +my temper suffered. When I complained (never without precaution), she +turned her tongue with its triple sting against me; mingling boasts of +her love with those cutting English sarcasms. As soon as she found +herself in opposition to me, she made it an amusement to hurt my +feelings and humiliate my mind; she kneaded me like dough. To any +remark of mine as to keeping a medium in all things, she replied by +caricaturing my ideas and exaggerating them. When I reproached her for +her manner to me, she asked if I wished her to kiss me at the opera +before all Paris; and she said it so seriously that I, knowing her +desire to make people talk, trembled lest she should execute her +threat. In spite of her real passion she was never meditative, self- +contained, or reverent, like Henriette; on the contrary she was +insatiable as a sandy soil. Madame de Mortsauf was always composed, +able to feel my soul in an accent or a glance. Lady Dudley was never +affected by a look, or a pressure of the hand, nor yet by a tender +word. No proof of love surprised her. She felt so strong a necessity +for excitement, noise, celebrity, that nothing attained to her ideal +in this respect; hence her violent love, her exaggerated fancy,-- +everything concerned herself and not me. + +The letter you have read from Madame de Mortsauf (a light which still +shone brightly on my life), a proof of how the most virtuous of women +obeyed the genius of a Frenchwoman, revealing, as it did, her +perpetual vigilance, her sound understanding of all my prospects--that +letter must have made you see with what care Henriette had studied my +material interests, my political relations, my moral conquests, and +with what ardor she took hold of my life in all permissible +directions. On such points as these Lady Dudley affected the reticence +of a mere acquaintance. She never informed herself about my affairs, +nor of my likings or dislikings as a man. Prodigal for herself without +being generous, she separated too decidedly self-interest and love. +Whereas I knew very well, without proving it, that to save me a pang +Henriette would have sought for me that which she would never seek for +herself. In any great and overwhelming misfortune I should have gone +for counsel to Henriette, but I would have let myself be dragged to +prison sooner than say a word to Lady Dudley. + +Up to this point the contrast relates to feelings; but it was the same +in outward things. In France, luxury is the expression of the man, the +reproduction of his ideas, of his personal poetry; it portrays the +character, and gives, between lovers, a precious value to every little +attention by keeping before them the dominant thought of the being +loved. But English luxury, which at first allured me by its choiceness +and delicacy, proved to be mechanical also. The thousand and one +attentions shown me at Clochegourde Arabella would have considered the +business of servants; each one had his own duty and speciality. The +choice of the footman was the business of her butler, as if it were a +matter of horses. She never attached herself to her servants; the +death of the best of them would not have affected her, for money could +replace the one lost by another equally efficient. As to her duty +towards her neighbor, I never saw a tear in her eye for the +misfortunes of another; in fact her selfishness was so naively candid +that it absolutely created a laugh. The crimson draperies of the great +lady covered an iron nature. The delightful siren who sounded at night +every bell of her amorous folly could soon make a young man forget the +hard and unfeeling Englishwoman, and it was only step by step that I +discovered the stony rock on which my seeds were wasted, bringing no +harvest. Madame de Mortsauf had penetrated that nature at a glance in +their brief encounter. I remembered her prophetic words. She was +right; Arabella's love became intolerable to me. I have since remarked +that most women who ride well on horseback have little tenderness. +Like the Amazons, they lack a breast; their hearts are hard in some +direction, but I do not know in which. + +At the moment when I begin to feel the burden of the yoke, when +weariness took possession of soul and body too, when at last I +comprehended the sanctity that true feeling imparts to love, when +memories of Clochegourde were bringing me, in spite of distance, the +fragrance of the roses, the warmth of the terrace, and the warble of +the nightingales,--at this frightful moment, when I saw the stony bed +beneath me as the waters of the torrent receded, I received a blow +which still resounds in my heart, for at every hour its echo wakes. + +I was working in the cabinet of the king, who was to drive out at four +o'clock. The Duc de Lenoncourt was on service. When he entered the +room the king asked him news of the countess. I raised my head hastily +in too eager a manner; the king, offended by the action, gave me the +look which always preceded the harsh words he knew so well how to say. + +"Sire, my poor daughter is dying," replied the duke. + +"Will the king deign to grant me leave of absence?" I cried, with +tears in my eyes, braving the anger which I saw about to burst. + +"Go, MY LORD," he answered, smiling at the satire in his words, and +withholding his reprimand in favor of his own wit. + +More courtier than father, the duke asked no leave but got into the +carriage with the king. I started without bidding Lady Dudley good- +bye; she was fortunately out when I made my preparations, and I left a +note telling her I was sent on a mission by the king. At the Croix de +Berny I met his Majesty returning from Verrieres. He threw me a look +full of his royal irony, always insufferable in meaning, which seemed +to say: "If you mean to be anything in politics come back; don't +parley with the dead." The duke waved his hand to me sadly. The two +pompous equipages with their eight horses, the colonels and their gold +lace, the escort and the clouds of dust rolled rapidly away, to cries +of "Vive le Roi!" It seemed to me that the court had driven over the +dead body of Madame de Mortsauf with the utter insensibility which +nature shows for our catastrophes. Though the duke was an excellent +man he would no doubt play whist with Monsieur after the king had +retired. As for the duchess, she had long ago given her daughter the +first stab by writing to her of Lady Dudley. + +My hurried journey was like a dream,--the dream of a ruined gambler; I +was in despair at having received no news. Had the confessor pushed +austerity so far as to exclude me from Clochegourde? I accused +Madeleine, Jacques, the Abbe Dominis, all, even Monsieur de Mortsauf. +Beyond Tours, as I came down the road bordered with poplars which +leads to Poncher, which I so much admired that first day of my search +for mine Unknown, I met Monsieur Origet. He guessed that I was going +to Clochegourde; I guessed that he was returning. We stopped our +carriages and got out, I to ask for news, he to give it. + +"How is Madame de Mortsauf?" I said. + +"I doubt if you find her living," he replied. "She is dying a +frightful death--of inanition. When she called me in, last June, no +medical power could control the disease; she had the symptoms which +Monsieur de Mortsauf has no doubt described to you, for he thinks he +has them himself. Madame la comtesse was not in any transient +condition of ill-health, which our profession can direct and which is +often the cause of a better state, nor was she in the crisis of a +disorder the effects of which can be repaired; no, her disease had +reached a point where science is useless; it is the incurable result +of grief, just as a mortal wound is the result of a stab. Her physical +condition is produced by the inertia of an organ as necessary to life +as the action of the heart itself. Grief has done the work of a +dagger. Don't deceive yourself; Madame de Mortsauf is dying of some +hidden grief." + +"Hidden!" I exclaimed. "Her children have not been ill?" + +"No," he said, looking at me significantly, "and since she has been so +seriously attacked Monsieur de Mortsauf has ceased to torment her. I +am no longer needed; Monsieur Deslandes of Azay is all-sufficient; +nothing can be done; her sufferings are dreadful. Young, beautiful, +and rich, to die emaciated, shrunken with hunger--for she dies of +hunger! During the last forty days the stomach, being as it were +closed up, has rejected all nourishment, under whatever form we +attempt to give it." + +Monsieur Origet pressed my hand with a gesture of respect. + +"Courage, monsieur," he said, lifting his eyes to heaven. + +The words expressed his compassion for sufferings he thought shared; +he little suspected the poisoned arrow which they shot into my heart. +I sprang into the carriage and ordered the postilion to drive on, +promising a good reward if I arrived in time. + +Notwithstanding my impatience I seemed to do the distance in a few +minutes, so absorbed was I in the bitter reflections that crowded upon +my soul. Dying of grief, yet her children were well? then she died +through me! My conscience uttered one of those arraignments which echo +throughout our lives and sometimes beyond them. What weakness, what +impotence in human justice, which avenges none but open deeds! Why +shame and death to the murderer who kills with a blow, who comes upon +you unawares in your sleep and makes it last eternally, who strikes +without warning and spares you a struggle? Why a happy life, an +honored life, to the murderer who drop by drop pours gall into the +soul and saps the body to destroy it? How many murderers go +unpunished! What indulgence for fashionable vice! What condoning of +the homicides caused by moral wrongs! I know not whose avenging hand +it was that suddenly, at that moment, raised the painted curtain that +reveals society. I saw before me many victims known to you and me,-- +Madame de Beauseant, dying, and starting for Normandy only a few days +earlier; the Duchesse de Langeais lost; Lady Brandon hiding herself in +Touraine in the little house where Lady Dudley had stayed two weeks, +and dying there, killed by a frightful catastrophe,--you know it. Our +period teems with such events. Who does not remember that poor young +woman who poisoned herself, overcome by jealousy, which was perhaps +killing Madame de Mortsauf? Who has not shuddered at the fate of that +enchanting young girl who perished after two years of marriage, like a +flower torn by the wind, the victim of her chaste ignorance, the +victim of a villain with whom Ronquerolles, Montriveau, and de Marsay +shake hands because he is useful to their political projects? What +heart has failed to throb at the recital of the last hours of the +woman whom no entreaties could soften, and who would never see her +husband after nobly paying his debts? Madame d'Aiglemont saw death +beside her and was saved only by my brother's care. Society and +science are accomplices in crimes for which there are no assizes. The +world declares that no one dies of grief, or of despair; nor yet of +love, of anguish hidden, of hopes cultivated yet fruitless, again and +again replanted yet forever uprooted. Our new scientific nomenclature +has plenty of words to explain these things; gastritis, pericarditis, +all the thousand maladies of women the names of which are whispered in +the ear, all serve as passports to the coffin followed by hypocritical +tears that are soon wiped by the hand of a notary. Can there be at the +bottom of this great evil some law which we do not know? Must the +centenary pitilessly strew the earth with corpses and dry them to dust +about him that he may raise himself, as the millionaire battens on a +myriad of little industries? Is there some powerful and venomous life +which feasts on these gentle, tender creatures? My God! do I belong to +the race of tigers? + +Remorse gripped my heart in its scorching fingers, and my cheeks were +furrowed with tears as I entered the avenue of Clochegourde on a damp +October morning, which loosened the dead leaves of the poplars planted +by Henriette in the path where once she stood and waved her +handkerchief as if to recall me. Was she living? Why did I feel her +two white hands upon my head laid prostrate in the dust? In that +moment I paid for all the pleasures that Arabella had given me, and I +knew that I paid dearly. I swore not to see her again, and a hatred of +England took possession of me. Though Lady Dudley was only a variety +of her species, I included all Englishwomen in my judgment. + +I received a fresh shock as I neared Clochegourde. Jacques, Madeleine, +and the Abbe Dominis were kneeling at the foot of a wooden cross +placed on a piece of ground that was taken into the enclosure when the +iron gate was put up, which the count and countess had never been +willing to remove. I sprang from the carriage and went towards them, +my heart aching at the sight of these children and that grave old man +imploring the mercy of God. The old huntsman was there too, with bared +head, standing a little apart. + +I stooped to kiss Jacques and Madeleine, who gave me a cold look and +continued praying. The abbe rose from his knees; I took him by the arm +to support myself, saying, "Is she still alive?" He bowed his head +sadly and gently. "Tell me, I implore you for Christ's sake, why are +you praying at the foot of this cross? Why are you here, and not with +her? Why are the children kneeling here this chilly morning? Tell me +all, that I may do no harm through ignorance." + +"For the last few days Madame le comtesse has been unwilling to see +her children except at stated times.--Monsieur," he continued after a +pause, "perhaps you had better wait a few hours before seeing Madame +de Mortsauf; she is greatly changed. It is necessary to prepare her +for this interview, or it might cause an increase in her sufferings-- +death would be a blessed release from them." + +I wrung the hand of the good man, whose look and voice soothed the +pangs of others without sharpening them. + +"We are praying God to help her," he continued; "for she, so saintly, +so resigned, so fit to die, has shown during the last few weeks a +horror of death; for the first time in her life she looks at others +who are full of health with gloomy, envious eyes. This aberration +comes less, I think, from the fear of death than from some inward +intoxication,--from the flowers of her youth which ferment as they +wither. Yes, an evil angel is striving against heaven for that +glorious soul. She is passing through her struggle on the Mount of +Olives; her tears bathe the white roses of her crown as they fall, one +by one, from the head of this wedded Jephtha. Wait; do not see her +yet. You would bring to her the atmosphere of the court; she would see +in your face the reflection of the things of life, and you would add +to the bitterness of her regret. Have pity on a weakness which God +Himself forgave to His Son when He took our nature upon Him. What +merit would there be in conquering if we had no adversary? Permit her +confessor or me, two old men whose worn-out lives cause her no pain, +to prepare her for this unlooked-for meeting, for emotions which the +Abbe Birotteau has required her to renounce. But, in the things of +this world there is an invisible thread of divine purpose which +religion alone can see; and since you have come perhaps you are led by +some celestial star of the moral world which leads to the tomb as to +the manger--" + +He then told me, with that tempered eloquence which falls like dew +upon the heart, that for the last six months the countess had suffered +daily more and more, in spite of Monsieur Origet's care. The doctor +had come to Clochegourde every evening for two months, striving to +rescue her from death; for her one cry had been, "Oh, save me!" "To +heal the body the heart must first be healed," the doctor had +exclaimed one day. + +"As the illness increased, the words of this poor woman, once so +gentle, have grown bitter," said the Abbe. "She calls on earth to keep +her, instead of asking God to take her; then she repents these murmurs +against the divine decree. Such alternations of feeling rend her heart +and make the struggle between body and soul most horrible. Often the +body triumphs. 'You have cost me dear,' she said one day to Jacques +and Madeleine; but in a moment, recalled to God by the look on my +face, she turned to Madeleine with these angelic words, 'The happiness +of others is the joy of those who cannot themselves be happy,'--and +the tone with which she said them brought tears to my eyes. She falls, +it is true, but each time that her feet stumble she rises higher +towards heaven." + +Struck by the tone of the successive intimations chance had sent me, +and which in this great concert of misfortunes were like a prelude of +mournful modulations to a funereal theme, the mighty cry of expiring +love, I cried out: "Surely you believe that this pure lily cut from +earth will flower in heaven?" + +"You left her still a flower," he answered, "but you will find her +consumed, purified by the forces of suffering, pure as a diamond +buried in the ashes. Yes, that shining soul, angelic star, will issue +glorious from the clouds and pass into the kingdom of the Light." + +As I pressed the hand of the good evangelist, my heart overflowing +with gratitude, the count put his head, now entirely white, out of the +door and immediately sprang towards me with signs of surprise. + +"She was right! He is here! 'Felix, Felix, Felix has come!' she kept +crying. My dear friend," he continued, beside himself with terror, +"death is here. Why did it not take a poor madman like me with one +foot in the grave?" + +I walked towards the house summoning my courage, but on the threshold +of the long antechamber which crossed the house and led to the lawn, +the Abbe Birotteau stopped me. + +"Madame la comtesse begs you will not enter at present," he said to +me. + +Giving a glance within the house I saw the servants coming and going, +all busy, all dumb with grief, surprised perhaps by the orders Manette +gave them. + +"What has happened?" cried the count, alarmed by the commotion, as +much from fear of the coming event as from the natural uneasiness of +his character. + +"Only a sick woman's fancy," said the abbe. "Madame la comtesse does +not wish to receive monsieur le vicomte as she now is. She talks of +dressing; why thwart her?" + +Manette came in search of Madeleine, whom I saw leave the house a few +moments after she had entered her mother's room. We were all, Jacques +and his father, the two abbes and I, silently walking up and down the +lawn in front of the house. I looked first at Montbazon and then at +Azay, noticing the seared and yellow valley which answered in its +mourning (as it ever did on all occasions) to the feelings of my +heart. Suddenly I beheld the dear "mignonne" gathering the autumn +flowers, no doubt to make a bouquet at her mother's bidding. Thinking +of all which that signified, I was so convulsed within me that I +staggered, my sight was blurred, and the two abbes, between whom I +walked, led me to the wall of a terrace, where I sat for some time +completely broken down but not unconscious. + +"Poor Felix," said the count, "she forbade me to write to you. She +knew how much you loved her." + +Though prepared to suffer, I found I had no strength to bear a scene +which recalled my memories of past happiness. "Ah!" I thought, "I see +it still, that barren moor, dried like a skeleton, lit by a gray sky, +in the centre of which grew a single flowering bush, which again and +again I looked at with a shudder,--the forecast of this mournful +hour!" + +All was gloom in the little castle, once so animated, so full of life. +The servants were weeping; despair and desolation everywhere. The +paths were not raked, work was begun and left undone, the workmen +standing idly about the house. Though the grapes were being gathered +in the vineyard, not a sound reached us. The place seemed uninhabited, +so deep the silence! We walked about like men whose grief rejects all +ordinary topics, and we listened to the count, the only one of us who +spoke. + +After a few words prompted by the mechanical love he felt for his wife +he was led by the natural bent of his mind to complain of her. She had +never, he said, taken care of herself or listened to him when he gave +her good advice. He had been the first to notice the symptoms of her +illness, for he had studied them in his own case; he had fought them +and cured them without other assistance than careful diet and the +avoidance of all emotion. He could have cured the countess, but a +husband ought not to take so much responsibility upon himself, +especially when he has the misfortune of finding his experience, in +this as in everything, despised. In spite of all he could say, the +countess insisted on seeing Origet,--Origet, who had managed his case +so ill, was now killing his wife. If this disease was, as they said, +the result of excessive grief, surely he was the one who had been in a +condition to have it. What griefs could the countess have had? She was +always happy; she had never had troubles or annoyances. Their fortune, +thanks to his care and to his sound ideas, was now in a most +satisfactory state; he had always allowed Madame de Mortsauf to reign +at Clochegourde; her children, well trained and now in health, gave +her no anxiety,--where, then, did this grief they talked of come from? + +Thus he argued and discussed the matter, mingling his expressions of +despair with senseless accusations. Then, recalled by some sudden +memory to the admiration which he felt for his wife, tears rolled from +his eyes which had been dry so long. + +Madeleine came to tell me that her mother was ready. The Abbe +Birotteau followed me. Madeleine, now a grave young girl, stayed with +her father, saying that the countess desired to be alone with me, and +also that the presence of too many persons would fatigue her. The +solemnity of this moment gave me that sense of inward heat and outward +cold which overcomes us often in the great events of life. The Abbe +Birotteau, one of those men whom God marks for his own by investing +them with sweetness and simplicity, together with patience and +compassion, took me aside. + +"Monsieur," he said, "I wish you to know that I have done all in my +power to prevent this meeting. The salvation of this saint required +it. I have considered her only, and not you. Now that you are about to +see her to whom access ought to have been denied you by the angels, +let me say that I shall be present to protect you against yourself and +perhaps against her. Respect her weakness. I do not ask this of you as +a priest, but as a humble friend whom you did not know you had, and +who would fain save you from remorse. Our dear patient is dying of +hunger and thirst. Since morning she is a victim to the feverish +irritation which precedes that horrible death, and I cannot conceal +from you how deeply she regrets life. The cries of her rebellious +flesh are stifled in my heart--where they wake echoes of a wound still +tender. But Monsieur de Dominis and I accept this duty that we may +spare the sight of this moral anguish to her family; as it is, they no +longer recognize their star by night and by day in her; they all, +husband, children, servants, all are asking, 'Where is she?'--she is +so changed! When she sees you, her regrets will revive. Lay aside your +thoughts as a man of the world, forget its vanities, be to her the +auxiliary of heaven, not of earth. Pray God that this dear saint die +not in a moment of doubt, giving voice to her despair." + +I did not answer. My silence alarmed the poor confessor. I saw, I +heard, I walked, and yet I was no longer on the earth. The thought, +"In what state shall I find her? Why do they use these precautions?" +gave rise to apprehensions which were the more cruel because so +indefinite; all forms of suffering crowded my mind. + +We reached the door of the chamber and the abbe opened it. I then saw +Henriette, dressed in white, sitting on her little sofa which was +placed before the fireplace, on which were two vases filled with +flowers; flowers were also on a table near the window. The expression +of the abbe's face, which was that of amazement at the change in the +room, now restored to its former state, showing me that the dying +woman had sent away the repulsive preparations which surround a sick- +bed. She had spent the last waning strength of fever in decorating her +room to receive him whom in that final hour she loved above all things +else. Surrounded by clouds of lace, her shrunken face, which had the +greenish pallor of a magnolia flower as it opens, resembled the first +outline of a cherished head drawn in chalks upon the yellow canvas of +a portrait. To feel how deeply the vulture's talons now buried +themselves in my heart, imagine the eyes of that outlined face +finished and full of life,--hollow eyes which shone with a brilliancy +unusual in a dying person. The calm majesty given to her in the past +by her constant victory over sorrow was there no longer. Her forehead, +the only part of her face which still kept its beautiful proportions, +wore an expression of aggressive will and covert threats. In spite of +the waxy texture of her elongated face, inward fires were issuing from +it like the fluid mist which seems to flame above the fields of a hot +day. Her hollow temples, her sunken cheeks showed the interior +formation of the face, and the smile upon her whitened lips vaguely +resembled the grin of death. Her robe, which was folded across her +breast, showed the emaciation of her beautiful figure. The expression +of her head said plainly that she knew she was changed, and that the +thought filled her with bitterness. She was no longer the arch +Henriette, nor the sublime and saintly Madame de Mortsauf, but the +nameless something of Bossuet struggling against annihilation, driven +to the selfish battle of life against death by hunger and balked +desire. I took her hand, which was dry and burning, to kiss it, as I +seated myself beside her. She guessed my sorrowful surprise from the +very effort that I made to hide it. Her discolored lips drew up from +her famished teeth trying to form a smile,--the forced smile with +which we strive to hide either the irony of vengeance, the expectation +of pleasure, the intoxication of our souls, or the fury of +disappointment. + +"Ah, my poor Felix, this is death," she said, "and you do not like +death; odious death, of which every human creature, even the boldest +lover, feels a horror. This is the end of love; I knew it would be so. +Lady Dudley will never see you thus surprised at the change in her. +Ah! why have I so longed for you, Felix? You have come at last, and I +reward your devotion by the same horrible sight that made the Comte de +Rance a Trappist. I, who hoped to remain ever beautiful and noble in +your memory, to live there eternally a lily, I it is who destroy your +illusions! True love cannot calculate. But stay; do not go, stay. +Monsieur Origet said I was much better this morning; I shall recover. +Your looks will bring me back to life. When I regain a little +strength, when I can take some nourishment, I shall be beautiful +again. I am scarcely thirty-five, there are many years of happiness +before me,--happiness renews our youth; yes, I must know happiness! I +have made delightful plans,--we will leave Clochegourde and go to +Italy." + +Tears filled my eyes and I turned to the window as if to look at the +flowers. The abbe followed me hastily, and bending over the bouquet +whispered, "No tears!" + +"Henriette, do you no longer care for our dear valley," I said, as if +to explain my sudden movement. + +"Oh, yes!" she said, turning her forehead to my lips with a fond +motion. "But without you it is fatal to me,--without THEE," she added, +putting her burning lips to my ear and whispering the words like a +sigh. + +I was horror-struck at the wild caress, and my will was not strong +enough to repress the nervous agitation I felt throughout this scene. +I listened without reply; or rather I replied by a fixed smile and +signs of comprehension; wishing not to thwart her, but to treat her as +a mother does a child. Struck at first with the change in her person, +I now perceived that the woman, once so dignified in her bearing, +showed in her attitude, her voice, her manners, in her looks and her +ideas, the naive ignorance of a child, its artless graces, its eager +movements, its careless indifference to everything that is not its own +desire,--in short all the weaknesses which commend a child to our +protection. Is it so with all dying persons? Do they strip off social +disguises till they are like children who have never put them on? Or +was it that the countess feeling herself on the borders of eternity, +rejected every human feeling except love? + +"You will bring me health as you used to do, Felix," she said, "and +our valley will still be my blessing. How can I help eating what you +will give me? You are such a good nurse. Besides, you are so rich in +health and vigor that life is contagious beside you. My friend, prove +to me that I need not die--die blighted. They think my worst suffering +is thirst. Oh, yes, my thirst is great, dear friend. The waters of the +Indre are terrible to see; but the thirst of my heart is greater far. +I thirsted for thee," she said in a smothered voice, taking my hands +in hers, which were burning, and drawing me close that she might +whisper in my ear. "My anguish has been in not seeing thee! Did you +not bid me live? I will live; I too will ride on horseback; I will +know life, Paris, fetes, pleasures, all!" + +Ah! Natalie, that awful cry--which time and distance render cold--rang +in the ears of the old priest and in mine; the tones of that glorious +voice pictured the battles of a lifetime, the anguish of a true love +lost. The countess rose with an impatient movement like that of a +child which seeks a plaything. When the confessor saw her thus the +poor man fell upon his knees and prayed with clasped hands. + +"Yes, to live!" she said, making me rise and support her; "to live +with realities and not with delusions. All has been delusions in my +life; I have counted them up, these lies, these impostures! How can I +die, I who have never lived? I who have never roamed a moor to meet +him!" She stopped, seemed to listen, and to smell some odor through +the walls. "Felix, the vintagers are dining, and I, I," she said, in +the voice of a child, "I, the mistress, am hungry. It is so in love,-- +they are happy, they, they!--" + +"Kyrie eleison!" said the poor abbe, who with clasped hands and eyes +raised to heaven was reciting his litanies. + +She flung an arm around my neck, kissed me violently, and pressed me +to her, saying, "You shall not escape me now!" She gave the little nod +with which in former days she used, when leaving me for an instant, to +say she would return. "We will dine together," she said; "I will go +and tell Manette." She turned to go, but fainted; and I laid her, +dressed as she was, upon the bed. + +"You carried me thus before," she murmured, opening her eyes. + +She was very light, but burning; as I took her in my arms I felt the +heat of her body. Monsieur Deslandes entered and seemed surprised at +the decoration of the room; but seeing me, all was explained to him. + +"We must suffer much to die," she said in a changed voice. + +The doctor sat down and felt her pulse, then he rose quickly and said +a few words in a low voice to the priest, who left the room beckoning +me to follow him. + +"What are you going to do?" I said to the doctor. + +"Save her from intolerable agony," he replied. "Who could have +believed in so much strength? We cannot understand how she can have +lived in this state so long. This is the forty-second day since she +has either eaten or drunk." + +Monsieur Deslandes called for Manette. The Abbe Birotteau took me to +the gardens. + +"Let us leave her to the doctor," he said; "with Manette's help he +will wrap her in opium. Well, you have heard her now--if indeed it is +she herself." + +"No," I said, "it is not she." + +I was stupefied with grief. I left the grounds by the little gate of +the lower terrace and went to the punt, in which I hid to be alone +with my thoughts. I tried to detach myself from the being in which I +lived,--a torture like that with which the Tartars punish adultery by +fastening a limb of the guilty man in a piece of wood and leaving him +with a knife to cut it off if he would not die of hunger. My life was +a failure, too! Despair suggested many strange ideas to me. Sometimes +I vowed to die beside her; sometimes to bury myself at Meilleraye +among the Trappists. I looked at the windows of the room where +Henriette was dying, fancying I saw the light that was burning there +the night I betrothed my soul to hers. Ah! ought I not to have +followed the simple life she had created for me, keeping myself +faithfully to her while I worked in the world? Had she not bidden me +become a great man expressly that I might be saved from base and +shameful passions? Chastity! was it not a sublime distinction which I +had not know how to keep? Love, as Arabella understood it, suddenly +disgusted me. As I raised my humbled head asking myself where, in +future, I could look for light and hope, what interest could hold me +to life, the air was stirred by a sudden noise. I turned to the +terrace and there saw Madeleine walking alone, with slow steps. During +the time it took me to ascend the terrace, intending to ask the dear +child the reason of the cold look she had given me when kneeling at +the foot of the cross, she had seated herself on the bench. When she +saw me approach her, she rose, pretending not to have seen me, and +returned towards the house in a significantly hasty manner. She hated +me; she fled from her mother's murderer. + +When I reached the portico I saw Madeleine like a statue, motionless +and erect, evidently listening to the sound of my steps. Jacques was +sitting in the portico. His attitude expressed the same insensibility +to what was going on about him that I had noticed when I first saw +him; it suggested ideas such as we lay aside in some corner of our +mind to take up and study at our leisure. I have remarked that young +persons who carry death within them are usually unmoved at funerals. I +longed to question that gloomy spirit. Had Madeleine kept her thoughts +to herself, or had she inspired Jacques with her hatred? + +"You know, Jacques," I said, to begin the conversation, "that in me +you have a most devoted brother." + +"Your friendship is useless to me; I shall follow my mother," he said, +giving me a sullen look of pain. + +"Jacques!" I cried, "you, too, against me?" + +He coughed and walked away; when he returned he showed me his +handkerchief stained with blood. + +"Do you understand that?" he said. + +Thus they had each of them a fatal secret. I saw before long that the +brother and sister avoided each other. Henriette laid low, all was in +ruins at Clochegourde. + +"Madame is asleep," Manette came to say, quite happy in knowing that +the countess was out of pain. + +In these dreadful moments, though each person knows the inevitable +end, strong affections fasten on such minor joys. Minutes are +centuries which we long to make restorative; we wish our dear ones to +lie on roses, we pray to bear their sufferings, we cling to the hope +that their last moment may be to them unexpected. + +"Monsieur Deslandes has ordered the flowers taken away; they excited +Madame's nerves," said Manette. + +Then it was the flowers that caused her delirium; she herself was not +a part of it. + +"Come, Monsieur Felix," added Manette, "come and see Madame; she is +beautiful as an angel." + +I returned to the dying woman just as the setting sun was gilding the +lace-work on the roofs of the chateau of Azay. All was calm and pure. +A soft light lit the bed on which my Henriette was lying, wrapped in +opium. The body was, as it were, annihilated; the soul alone reigned +on that face, serene as the skies when the tempest is over. Blanche +and Henriette, two sublime faces of the same woman, reappeared; all +the more beautiful because my recollection, my thought, my +imagination, aiding nature, repaired the devastation of each dear +feature, where now the soul triumphant sent its gleams through the +calm pulsations of her breathing. The two abbes were sitting at the +foot of the bed. The count stood, as though stupefied by the banners +of death which floated above that adored being. I took her seat on the +sofa. We all four turned to each other looks in which admiration for +that celestial beauty mingled with tears of mourning. The lights of +thought announced the return of the Divine Spirit to that glorious +tabernacle. + +The Abbe Dominis and I spoke in signs, communicating to each other our +mutual ideas. Yes, the angels were watching her! yes, their flaming +swords shone above that noble brow, which the august expression of her +virtue made, as it were, a visible soul conversing with the spirits of +its sphere. The lines of her face cleared; all in her was exalted and +became majestic beneath the unseen incense of the seraphs who guarded +her. The green tints of bodily suffering gave place to pure white +tones, the cold wan pallor of approaching death. Jacques and Madeleine +entered. Madeleine made us quiver by the adoring impulse which flung +her on her knees beside the bed, crying out, with clasped hand: "My +mother! here is my mother!" Jacques smiled; he knew he would follow +her where she went. + +"She is entering the haven," said the Abbe Birotteau. + +The Abbe Dominis looked at me as if to say: "Did I not tell you the +star would rise in all its glory?" + +Madeleine knelt with her eyes fixed on her mother, breathing when she +breathed, listening to the soft breath, the last thread by which she +held to life, and which we followed in terror, fearing that every +effort of respiration might be the last. Like an angel at the gates of +the sanctuary, the young girl was eager yet calm, strong but reverent. +At that moment the Angelus rang from the village clock-tower. Waves of +tempered air brought its reverberations to remind us that this was the +sacred hour when Christianity repeats the words said by the angel to +the woman who has redeemed the faults of her sex. "Ave Maria!"-- +surely, at this moment the words were a salutation from heaven. The +prophecy was so plain, the event so near that we burst into tears. The +murmuring sounds of evening, melodious breezes in the leafage, last +warbling of the birds, the hum and echo of the insects, the voices of +the waters, the plaintive cry of the tree-frog,--all country things +were bidding farewell to the loveliest lily of the valley, to her +simple, rural life. The religious poesy of the hour, now added to that +of Nature, expressed so vividly the psalm of the departing soul that +our sobs redoubled. + +Though the door of the chamber was open we were all so plunged in +contemplation of the scene, as if to imprint its memories forever on +our souls, that we did not notice the family servants who were +kneeling as a group and praying fervently. These poor people, living +on hope, had believed their mistress might be spared, and this plain +warning overcame them. At a sign from the Abbe Birotteau the old +huntsman went to fetch the curate of Sache. The doctor, standing by +the bed, calm as science, and holding the hand of the still sleeping +woman, had made the confessor a sign to say that this sleep was the +only hour without pain which remained for the recalled angel. The +moment had come to administer the last sacraments of the Church. At +nine o'clock she awoke quietly, looked at us with surprised but gentle +eyes, and we beheld our idol once more in all the beauty of former +days. + +"Mother! you are too beautiful to die--life and health are coming back +to you!" cried Madeleine. + +"Dear daughter, I shall live--in thee," she answered, smiling. + +Then followed heart-rending embraces of the mother and her children. +Monsieur de Mortsauf kissed his wife upon her brow. She colored when +she saw me. + +"Dear Felix," she said, "this is, I think, the only grief that I shall +ever have caused you. Forget all that I may have said,--I, a poor +creature much beside myself." She held out her hand; I took it and +kissed it. Then she said, with her chaste and gracious smile, "As in +the old days, Felix?" + +We all left the room and went into the salon during the last +confession. I approached Madeleine. In presence of others she could +not escape me without a breach of civility; but, like her mother, she +looked at no one, and kept silence without even once turning her eyes +in my direction. + +"Dear Madeleine," I said in a low voice, "What have you against me? +Why do you show such coldness in the presence of death, which ought to +reconcile us all?" + +"I hear in my heart what my mother is saying at this moment," she +replied, with a look which Ingres gave to his "Mother of God,"--that +virgin, already sorrowful, preparing herself to protect the world for +which her son was about to die. + +"And you condemn me at the moment when your mother absolves me,--if +indeed I am guilty." + +"You, YOU," she said, "always YOUR SELF!" + +The tones of her voice revealed the determined hatred of a Corsican, +implacable as the judgments of those who, not having studied life, +admit of no extenuation of faults committed against the laws of the +heart. + +An hour went by in deepest silence. The Abbe Birotteau came to us +after receiving the countess's general confession, and we followed him +back to the room where Henriette, under one of those impulses which +often come to noble minds, all sisters of one intent, had made them +dress her in the long white garment which was to be her shroud. We +found her sitting up; beautiful from expiation, beautiful in hope. I +saw in the fireplace the black ashes of my letters which had just been +burned, a sacrifice which, as her confessor afterwards told me, she +had not been willing to make until the hour of her death. She smiled +upon us all with the smile of other days. Her eyes, moist with tears, +gave evidence of inward lucidity; she saw the celestial joys of the +promised land. + +"Dear Felix," she said, holding out her hand and pressing mine, "stay +with us. You must be present at the last scene of my life, not the +least painful among many such, but one in which you are concerned." + +She made a sign and the door was closed. At her request the count sat +down; the Abbe Birotteau and I remained standing. Then with Manette's +help the countess rose and knelt before the astonished count, +persisting in remaining there. A moment after, when Manette had left +the room, she raised her head which she had laid upon her husband's +knees. + +"Though I have been a faithful wife to you," she said, in a faint +voice, "I have sometimes failed in my duty. I have just prayed to God +to give me strength to ask your pardon. I have given to a friendship +outside of my family more affectionate care than I have shown to you. +Perhaps I have sometimes irritated you by the comparisons you may have +made between these cares, these thoughts, and those I gave to you. I +have had," she said, in a sinking voice, "a deep friendship, which no +one, not even he who has been its object, has fully known. Though I +have continued virtuous according to all human laws, though I have +been a irreproachable wife to you, still other thoughts, voluntary or +involuntary, have often crossed my mind and, in this hour, I fear I +have welcomed them too warmly. But as I have tenderly loved you, and +continued to be your submissive wife, and as the clouds passing +beneath the sky do not alter its purity, I now pray for your blessing +with a clean heart. I shall die without one bitter thought if I can +hear from your lips a tender word for your Blanche, for the mother of +your children,--if I know that you forgive her those things for which +she did not forgive herself till reassured by the great tribunal which +pardons all." + +"Blanche, Blanche!" cried the broken man, shedding tears upon his +wife's head, "Would you kill me?" He raised her with a strength +unusual to him, kissed her solemnly on the forehead, and thus holding +her continued: "Have I no forgiveness to ask of you? Have I never been +harsh? Are you not making too much of your girlish scruples?" + +"Perhaps," she said. "But, dear friend, indulge the weakness of a +dying woman; tranquillize my mind. When you reach this hour you will +remember that I left you with a blessing. Will you grant me permission +to leave to our friend now here that pledge of my affection?" she +continued, showing a letter that was on the mantelshelf. "He is now my +adopted son, and that is all. The heart, dear friend, makes its +bequests; my last wishes impose a sacred duty on that dear Felix. I +think I do not put too great a burden on him; grant that I do not ask +too much of you in desiring to leave him these last words. You see, I +am always a woman," she said, bending her head with mournful +sweetness; "after obtaining pardon I ask a gift--Read this," she +added, giving me the letter; "but not until after my death." + +The count saw her color change: he lifted her and carried her himself +to the bed, where we all surrounded her. + +"Felix," she said, "I may have done something wrong to you. Often I +gave you pain by letting you hope for that I could not give you; but +see, it was that very courage of wife and mother that now enables me +to die forgiven of all. You will forgive me too; you who have so often +blamed me, and whose injustice was so dear--" + +The Abbe Birotteau laid a finger on his lips. At that sign the dying +woman bowed her head, faintness overcame her; presently she waved her +hands as if summoning the clergy and her children and the servants to +her presence, and then, with an imploring gesture, she showed me the +desolate count and the children beside him. The sight of that father, +the secret of whose insanity was known to us alone, now to be left +sole guardian of those delicate beings, brought mute entreaties to her +face, which fell upon my heart like sacred fire. Before receiving +extreme unction she asked pardon of her servants if by a hasty word +she had sometimes hurt them; she asked their prayers and commended +each one, individually, to the count; she nobly confessed that during +the last two months she had uttered complaints that were not Christian +and might have shocked them; she had repulsed her children and clung +to life unworthily; but she attributed this failure of submission to +the will of God to her intolerable sufferings. Finally, she publicly +thanked the Abbe Birotteau with heartfelt warmth for having shown her +the illusion of all earthly things. + +When she ceased to speak, prayers were said again, and the curate of +Sache gave her the viaticum. A few moments later her breathing became +difficult; a film overspread her eyes, but soon they cleared again; +she gave me a last look and died to the eyes of earth, hearing perhaps +the symphony of our sobs. As her last sigh issued from her lips,--the +effort of a life that was one long anguish,--I felt a blow within me +that struck on all my faculties. The count and I remained beside the +bier all night with the two abbes and the curate, watching, in the +glimmer of the tapers, the body of the departed, now so calm, laid +upon the mattress of her bed, where once she had suffered cruelly. It +was my first communion with death. I remained the whole of that night +with my eyes fixed on Henriette, spell-bound by the pure expression +that came from the stilling of all tempests, by the whiteness of that +face where still I saw the traces of her innumerable affections, +although it made no answer to my love. What majesty in that silence, +in that coldness! How many thoughts they expressed! What beauty in +that cold repose, what power in that immobility! All the past was +there and futurity had begun. Ah! I loved her dead as much as I had +loved her living. In the morning the count went to bed; the three +wearied priests fell asleep in that heavy hour of dawn so well known +to those who watch. I could then, without witnesses, kiss that sacred +brow with all the love I had never been allowed to utter. + +The third day, in a cool autumn morning, we followed the countess to +her last home. She was carried by the old huntsman, the two +Martineaus, and Manette's husband. We went down by the road I had so +joyously ascended the day I first returned to her. We crossed the +valley of the Indre to the little cemetery of Sache--a poor village +graveyard, placed behind the church on the slope of the hill, where +with true humility she had asked to be buried beneath a simple cross +of black wood, "like a poor country-woman," she said. When I saw, from +the centre of the valley, the village church and the place of the +graveyard a convulsive shudder seized me. Alas! we have all our +Golgothas, where we leave the first thirty-three years of our lives, +with the lance-wound in our side, the crown of thorns and not of roses +on our brow--that hill-slope was to me the mount of expiation. + +We were followed by an immense crowd, seeking to express the grief of +the valley where she had silently buried so many noble actions. +Manette, her faithful woman, told me that when her savings did not +suffice to help the poor she economized upon her dress. There were +babes to be provided for, naked children to be clothed, mothers +succored in their need, sacks of flour brought to the millers in +winter for helpless old men, a cow sent to some poor home,--deeds of a +Christian woman, a mother, and the lady of the manor. Besides these +things, there were dowries paid to enable loving hearts to marry; +substitutes bought for youths to whom the draft had brought despair, +tender offerings of the loving woman who had said: "The happiness of +others is the consolation of those who cannot themselves be happy." +Such things, related at the "veillees," made the crowd immense. I +walked with Jacques and the two abbes behind the coffin. According to +custom neither the count nor Madeleine were present; they remained +alone at Clochegourde. But Manette insisted in coming with us. "Poor +madame! poor madame! she is happy now," I heard her saying to herself +amid her sobs. + +As the procession left the road to the mills I heard a simultaneous +moan and a sound of weeping as though the valley were lamenting for +its soul. The church was filled with people. After the service was +over we went to the graveyard where she wished to be buried near the +cross. When I heard the pebbles and the gravel falling upon the coffin +my courage gave way; I staggered and asked the two Martineaus to +steady me. They took me, half-dead, to the chateau of Sache, where the +owners very kindly invited me to stay, and I accepted. I will own to +you that I dreaded a return to Clochegourde, and it was equally +repugnant to me to go to Frapesle, where I could see my Henriette's +windows. Here, at Sache, I was near her. I lived for some days in a +room which looked on the tranquil, solitary valley I have mentioned to +you. It is a deep recess among the hills, bordered by oaks that are +doubly centenarian, through which a torrent rushes after rain. The +scene was in keeping with the stern and solemn meditations to which I +desired to abandon myself. + +I had perceived, during the day which followed the fatal night, how +unwelcome my presence might be at Clochegourde. The count had gone +through violent emotions at the death of his wife; but he had expected +the event; his mind was made up to it in a way that was something like +indifference. I had noticed this several times, and when the countess +gave me that letter (which I still dared not read) and when she spoke +of her affection for me, I remarked that the count, usually so quick +to take offence, made no sign of feeling any. He attributed +Henriette's wording to the extreme sensitiveness of a conscience which +he knew to be pure. This selfish insensibility was natural to him. The +souls of these two beings were no more married than their bodies; they +had never had the intimate communion which keeps feeling alive; they +had shared neither pains nor pleasures, those strong links which tear +us by a thousand edges when broken, because they touch on all our +fibers, and are fastened to the inmost recesses of our hearts. + +Another consideration forbade my return to Clochegourde,--Madeleine's +hostility. That hard young girl was not disposed to modify her hatred +beside her mother's coffin. Between the count, who would have talked +to me incessantly of himself, and the new mistress of the house, who +would have shown me invincible dislike, I should have found myself +horribly annoyed. To be treated thus where once the very flowers +welcomed me, where the steps of the portico had a voice, where my +memory clothed with poetry the balconies, the fountains, the +balustrades, the trees, the glimpses of the valleys! to be hated where +I once was loved--the thought was intolerable to me. So, from the +first, my mind was made up. + +Alas! alas! was this the end of the keenest love that ever entered the +heart of man? To the eyes of strangers my conduct might be +reprehensible, but it had the sanction of my own conscience. It is +thus that the noblest feelings, the sublimest dramas of our youth must +end. We start at dawn, as I from Tours to Clochegourde, we clutch the +world, our hearts hungry for love; then, when our treasure is in the +crucible, when we mingle with men and circumstances, all becomes +gradually debased and we find but little gold among the ashes. Such is +life! life as it is; great pretensions, small realities. I meditated +long about myself, debating what I could do after a blow like this +which had mown down every flower of my soul. I resolved to rush into +the science of politics, into the labyrinth of ambition, to cast woman +from my life and to make myself a statesman, cold and passionless, and +so remain true to the saint I loved. My thoughts wandered into far-off +regions while my eyes were fastened on the splendid tapestry of the +yellowing oaks, the stern summits, the bronzed foothills. I asked +myself if Henriette's virtue were not, after all, that of ignorance, +and if I were indeed guilty of her death. I fought against remorse. At +last, in the sweetness of an autumn midday, one of those last smiles +of heaven which are so beautiful in Touraine, I read the letter which +at her request I was not to open before her death. Judge of my +feelings as I read it. + + Madame de Mortsauf to the Vicomte Felix de Vandenesse: + + Felix, friend, loved too well, I must now lay bare my heart to + you,--not so much to prove my love as to show you the weight of + obligation you have incurred by the depth and gravity of the + wounds you have inflicted on it. At this moment, when I sink + exhausted by the toils of life, worn out by the shocks of its + battle, the woman within me is, mercifully, dead; the mother alone + survives. Dear, you are now to see how it was that you were the + original cause of all my sufferings. Later, I willingly received + your blows; to-day I am dying of the final wound your hand has + given,--but there is joy, excessive joy in feeling myself + destroyed by him I love. + + My physical sufferings will soon put an end to my mental strength; + I therefore use the last clear gleams of intelligence to implore + you to befriend my children and replace the heart of which you + have deprived them. I would solemnly impose this duty upon you if + I loved you less; but I prefer to let you choose it for yourself + as an act of sacred repentance, and also in faithful continuance + of your love--love, for us, was ever mingled with repentant + thoughts and expiatory fears! but--I know it well--we shall + forever love each other. Your wrong to me was not so fatal an act + in itself as the power which I let it have within me. Did I not + tell you I was jealous, jealous unto death? Well, I die of it. + But, be comforted, we have kept all human laws. The Church has + told me, by one of her purest voices, that God will be forgiving + to those who subdue their natural desires to His commandments. My + beloved, you are now to know all, for I would not leave you in + ignorance of any thought of mine. What I confide to God in my last + hour you, too, must know,--you, king of my heart as He is King of + Heaven. + + Until the ball given to the Duc d'Angouleme (the only ball at + which I was ever present), marriage had left me in that ignorance + which gives to the soul of a young girl the beauty of the angels. + True, I was a mother, but love had never surrounded me with its + permitted pleasures. How did this happen? I do not know; neither + do I know by what law everything within me changed in a moment. + You remember your kisses? they have mastered my life, they have + furrowed my soul; the ardor of your blood awoke the ardor of mine; + your youth entered my youth, your desires my soul. When I rose and + left you proudly I was filled with an emotion for which I know no + name in any language--for children have not yet found a word to + express the marriage of their eyes with light, nor the kiss of + life laid upon their lips. Yes, it was sound coming in the echo, + light flashing through the darkness, motion shaking the universe; + at least, it was rapid like all these things, but far more + beautiful, for it was the birth of the soul! I comprehended then + that something, I knew not what, existed for me in the world,--a + force nobler than thought; for it was all thoughts, all forces, it + was the future itself in a shared emotion. I felt I was but half a + mother. Falling thus upon my heart this thunderbolt awoke desires + which slumbered there without my knowledge; suddenly I divined all + that my aunt had meant when she kissed my forehead, murmuring, + "Poor Henriette!" + + When I returned to Clochegourde, the springtime, the first leaves, + the fragrance of the flowers, the white and fleecy clouds, the + Indre, the sky, all spoke to me in a language till then unknown. + If you have forgotten those terrible kisses, I have never been + able to efface them from my memory,--I am dying of them! Yes, each + time that I have met you since, their impress is revived. I was + shaken from head to foot when I first saw you; the mere + presentiment of your coming overcame me. Neither time nor my firm + will has enabled me to conquer that imperious sense of pleasure. I + asked myself involuntarily, "What must be such joys?" Our mutual + looks, the respectful kisses you laid upon my hand, the pressure + of my arm on yours, your voice with its tender tones,--all, even + the slightest things, shook me so violently that clouds obscured + my sight; the murmur of rebellious senses filled my ears. Ah! if + in those moments when outwardly I increased my coldness you had + taken me in your arms I should have died of happiness. Sometimes I + desired it, but prayer subdued the evil thought. Your name uttered + by my children filled my heart with warmer blood, which gave color + to my cheeks; I laid snares for my poor Madeleine to induce her to + say it, so much did I love the tumults of that sensation. Ah! what + shall I say to you? Your writing had a charm; I gazed at your + letters as we look at a portrait. + + If on that first day you obtained some fatal power over me, + conceive, dear friend, how infinite that power became when it was + given to me to read your soul. What delights filled me when I + found you so pure, so absolutely truthful, gifted with noble + qualities, capable of noblest things, and already so tried! Man + and child, timid yet brave! What joy to find we both were + consecrated by a common grief! Ever since that evening when we + confided our childhoods to each other, I have known that to lose + you would be death,--yes, I have kept you by me selfishly. The + certainty felt by Monsieur de la Berge that I should die if I lost + you touched him deeply, for he read my soul. He knew how necessary + I was to my children and the count; he did not command me to + forbid you my house, for I promised to continue pure in deed and + thought. "Thought," he said to me, "is involuntary, but it can be + watched even in the midst of anguish." "If I think," I replied, + "all will be lost; save me from myself. Let him remain beside me + and keep me pure!" The good old man, though stern, was moved by my + sincerity. "Love him as you would a son, and give him your + daughter," he said. I accepted bravely that life of suffering that + I might not lose you, and I suffered joyfully, seeing that we were + called to bear the same yoke--My God! I have been firm, faithful + to my husband; I have given you no foothold, Felix, in your + kingdom. The grandeur of my passion has reacted on my character; I + have regarded the tortures Monsieur de Mortsauf has inflicted on + me as expiations; I bore them proudly in condemnation of my faulty + desires. Formerly I was disposed to murmur at my life, but since + you entered it I have recovered some gaiety, and this has been the + better for the count. Without this strength, which I derived + through you, I should long since have succumbed to the inward life + of which I told you. + + If you have counted for much in the exercise of my duty so have my + children also. I felt I had deprived them of something, and I + feared I could never do enough to make amends to them; my life was + thus a continual struggle which I loved. Feeling that I was less a + mother, less an honest wife, remorse entered my heart; fearing to + fail in my obligations, I constantly went beyond them. Often have + I put Madeleine between you and me, giving you to each other, + raising barriers between us,--barriers that were powerless! for + what could stifle the emotions which you caused me? Absent or + present, you had the same power. I preferred Madeleine to Jacques + because Madeleine was sometime to be yours. But I did not yield + you to my daughter without a struggle. I told myself that I was + only twenty-eight when I first met you, and you were nearly + twenty-two; I shortened the distance between us; I gave myself up + to delusive hopes. Oh, Felix! I tell you these things to save you + from remorse; also, perhaps, to show you that I was not cold and + insensible, that our sufferings were cruelly mutual; that Arabella + had no superiority of love over mine. I too am the daughter of a + fallen race, such as men love well. + + There came a moment when the struggle was so terrible that I wept + the long nights through; my hair fell off,--you have it! Do you + remember the count's illness? Your nobility of soul far from + raising my soul belittled it. Alas! I dreamed of giving myself to + you some day as the reward of so much heroism; but the folly was a + brief one. I laid it at the feet of God during the mass that day + when you refused to be with me. Jacques' illness and Madeleine's + sufferings seemed to me the warnings of God calling back to Him + His lost sheep. + + Then your love--which is so natural--for that Englishwoman + revealed to me secrets of which I had no knowledge. I loved you + better than I knew. The constant emotions of this stormy life, the + efforts that I made to subdue myself with no other succor than + that religion gave me, all, all has brought about the malady of + which I die. The terrible shocks I have undergone brought on + attacks about which I kept silence. I saw in death the sole + solution of this hidden tragedy. A lifetime of anger, jealousy, + and rage lay in those two months between the time my mother told + me of your relations with Lady Dudley, and your return to + Clochegourde. I wished to go to Paris; murder was in my heart; I + desired that woman's death; I was indifferent to my children. + Prayer, which had hitherto been to me a balm, was now without + influence on my soul. Jealousy made the breach through which death + has entered. And yet I have kept a placid brow. Yes, that period + of struggle was a secret between God and myself. After your return + and when I saw that I was loved, even as I loved you, that nature + had betrayed me and not your thought, I wished to live,--it was + then too late! God had taken me under His protection, filled no + doubt with pity for a being true with herself, true with Him, + whose sufferings had often led her to the gates of the sanctuary. + + My beloved! God has judged me, Monsieur de Mortsauf will pardon + me, but you--will you be merciful? Will you listen to this voice + which now issues from my tomb? Will you repair the evils of which + we are equally guilty?--you, perhaps, less than I. You know what I + wish to ask of you. Be to Monsieur de Mortsauf what a sister of + charity is to a sick man; listen to him, love him--no one loves + him. Interpose between him and his children as I have done. Your + task will not be a long one. Jacques will soon leave home to be in + Paris near his grandfather, and you have long promised me to guide + him through the dangers of that life. As for Madeleine, she will + marry; I pray that you may please her. She is all myself, but + stronger; she has the will in which I am lacking; the energy + necessary for the companion of a man whose career destines him to + the storms of political life; she is clever and perceptive. If + your lives are united she will be happier than her mother. By + acquiring the right to continue my work at Clochegourde you will + blot out the faults I have not sufficiently expiated, though they + are pardoned in heaven and also on earth, for HE is generous and + will forgive me. You see I am ever selfish; is it not the proof of + a despotic love? I wish you to still love me in mine. Unable to be + yours in life, I bequeath to you my thoughts and also my duties. + If you do not wish to marry Madeleine you will at least seek the + repose of my soul by making Monsieur de Mortsauf as happy as he + ever can be. + + Farewell, dear child of my heart; this is the farewell of a mind + absolutely sane, still full of life; the farewell of a spirit on + which thou hast shed too many and too great joys to suffer thee to + feel remorse for the catastrophe they have caused. I use that word + "catastrophe" thinking of you and how you love me; as for me, I + reach the haven of my rest, sacrificed to duty and not without + regret--ah! I tremble at that thought. God knows better than I + whether I have fulfilled his holy laws in accordance with their + spirit. Often, no doubt, I have tottered, but I have not fallen; + the most potent cause of my wrong-doing lay in the grandeur of the + seductions that encompassed me. The Lord will behold me trembling + when I enter His presence as though I had succumbed. Farewell + again, a long farewell like that I gave last night to our dear + valley, where I soon shall rest and where you will often--will you + not?--return. + + +Henriette. + +I fell into an abyss of terrible reflections, as I perceived the +depths unknown of the life now lighted up by this expiring flame. The +clouds of my egotism rolled away. She had suffered as much as I--more +than I, for she was dead. She believed that others would be kind to +her friend; she was so blinded by love that she had never so much as +suspected the enmity of her daughter. That last proof of her +tenderness pained me terribly. Poor Henriette wished to give me +Clochegourde and her daughter. + +Natalie, from that dread day when first I entered a graveyard +following the remains of my noble Henriette, whom now you know, the +sun has been less warm, less luminous, the nights more gloomy, +movement less agile, thought more dull. There are some departed whom +we bury in the earth, but there are others more deeply loved for whom +our souls are winding-sheets, whose memory mingles daily with our +heart-beats; we think of them as we breathe; they are in us by the +tender law of a metempsychosis special to love. A soul is within my +soul. When some good thing is done by me, when some true word is +spoken, that soul acts and speaks. All that is good within me issues +from that grave, as the fragrance of a lily fills the air; sarcasm, +bitterness, all that you blame in me is mine. Natalie, when next my +eyes are darkened by a cloud or raised to heaven after long +contemplation of earth, when my lips make no reply to your words or +your devotion, do not ask me again, "Of what are you thinking?" + +***** + +Dear Natalie, I ceased to write some days ago; these memories were too +bitter for me. Still, I owe you an account of the events which +followed this catastrophe; they need few words. When a life is made up +of action and movement it is soon told, but when it passes in the +higher regions of the soul its story becomes diffuse. Henriette's +letter put the star of hope before my eyes. In this great shipwreck I +saw an isle on which I might be rescued. To live at Clochegourde with +Madeleine, consecrating my life to hers, was a fate which satisfied +the ideas of which my heart was full. But it was necessary to know the +truth as to her real feelings. As I was bound to bid the count +farewell, I went to Clochegourde to see him, and met him on the +terrace. We walked up and down for some time. At first he spoke of the +countess like a man who knew the extent of his loss, and all the +injury it was doing to his inner self. But after the first outbreak of +his grief was over he seemed more concerned about the future than the +present. He feared his daughter, who, he told me, had not her mother's +gentleness. Madeleine's firm character, in which there was something +heroic blending with her mother's gracious nature, alarmed the old +man, used to Henriette's tenderness, and he now foresaw the power of a +will that never yielded. His only consolation for his irreparable +loss, he said, was the certainty of soon rejoining his wife; the +agitations, the griefs of these last few weeks had increased his +illness and brought back all his former pains; the struggle which he +foresaw between his authority as a father and that of his daughter, +now mistress of the house, would end his days in bitterness; for +though he should have struggled against his wife, he should, he knew, +be forced to give way before his child. Besides, his son was soon to +leave him; his daughter would marry, and what sort of son-in-law was +he likely to have? Though he thus talked of dying, his real distress +was in feeling himself alone for many years to come without sympathy. + +During this hour when he spoke only of himself, and asked for my +friendship in his wife's name, he completed a picture in my mind of +the remarkable figure of the Emigre,--one of the most imposing types +of our period. In appearance he was frail and broken, but life seemed +persistent in him because of his sober habits and his country +avocations. He is still living. + +Though Madeleine could see me on the terrace, she did not come down. +Several times she came out upon the portico and went back in again, as +if to signify her contempt. I seized a moment when she appeared to beg +the count to go to the house and call her, saying I had a last wish of +her mother to convey to her, and this would be my only opportunity of +doing so. The count brought her, and left us alone together on the +terrace. + +"Dear Madeleine," I said, "if I am to speak to you, surely it should +be here where your mother listened to me when she felt she had less +reason to complain of me than of the circumstances of life. I know +your thoughts; but are you not condemning me without a knowledge of +the facts? My life and happiness are bound up in this place; you know +that, and yet you seek to banish me by the coldness you show, in place +of the brotherly affection which has always united us, and which death +should have strengthened by the bonds of a common grief. Dear +Madeleine, you for whom I would gladly give my life without hope of +recompense, without your even knowing it,--so deeply do we love the +children of those who have succored us,--you are not aware of the +project your adorable mother cherished during the last seven years. If +you knew it your feelings would doubtless soften towards me; but I do +not wish to take advantage of you now. All that I ask is that you do +not deprive me of the right to come here, to breathe the air on this +terrace, and to wait until time has changed your ideas of social life. +At this moment I desire not to ruffle them; I respect a grief which +misleads you, for it takes even from me the power of judging soberly +the circumstances in which I find myself. The saint who now looks down +upon us will approve the reticence with which I simply ask that you +stand neutral between your present feelings and my wishes. I love you +too well, in spite of the aversion you are showing me, to say one word +to the count of a proposal he would welcome eagerly. Be free. Later, +remember that you know no one in the world as you know me, that no man +will ever have more devoted feelings--" + +Up to this moment Madeleine had listened with lowered eyes; now she +stopped me by a gesture. + +"Monsieur," she said, in a voice trembling with emotion. "I know all +your thoughts; but I shall not change my feelings towards you. I would +rather fling myself into the Indre than ally myself to you. I will not +speak to you of myself, but if my mother's name still possesses any +power over you, in her name I beg you never to return to Clochegourde +so long as I am in it. The mere sight of you causes me a repugnance I +cannot express, but which I shall never overcome." + +She bowed to me with dignity, and returned to the house without +looking back, impassible as her mother had been for one day only, but +more pitiless. The searching eye of that young girl had discovered, +though tardily, the secrets of her mother's heart, and her hatred to +the man whom she fancied fatal to her mother's life may have been +increased by a sense of her innocent complicity. + +All before me was now chaos. Madeleine hated me, without considering +whether I was the cause or the victim of these misfortunes. She might +have hated us equally, her mother and me, had we been happy. Thus it +was that the edifice of my happiness fell in ruins. I alone knew the +life of that unknown, noble woman. I alone had entered every region of +her soul; neither mother, father, husband, nor children had ever known +her.--Strange truth! I stir this heap of ashes and take pleasure in +spreading them before you; all hearts may find something in them of +their closest experience. How many families have had their Henriette! +How many noble feelings have left this earth with no historian to +fathom their hearts, to measure the depth and breadth of their +spirits. Such is human life in all its truth! Often mothers know their +children as little as their children know them. So it is with +husbands, lovers, brothers. Did I imagine that one day, beside my +father's coffin, I should contend with my brother Charles, for whose +advancement I had done so much? Good God! how many lessons in the +simplest history. + +When Madeleine disappeared into the house, I went away with a broken +heart. Bidding farewell to my host at Sache, I started for Paris, +following the right bank of the Indre, the one I had taken when I +entered the valley for the first time. Sadly I drove through the +pretty village of Pont-de-Ruan. Yet I was rich, political life courted +me; I was not the weary plodder of 1814. Then my heart was full of +eager desires, now my eyes were full of tears; once my life was all +before me to fill as I could, now I knew it to be a desert. I was +still young,--only twenty-nine,--but my heart was withered. A few +years had sufficed to despoil that landscape of its early glory, and +to disgust me with life. You can imagine my feelings when, on turning +round, I saw Madeleine on the terrace. + +A prey to imperious sadness, I gave no thought to the end of my +journey. Lady Dudley was far, indeed, from my mind, and I entered the +courtyard of her house without reflection. The folly once committed, I +was forced to carry it out. My habits were conjugal in her house, and +I went upstairs thinking of the annoyances of a rupture. If you have +fully understood the character and manners of Lady Dudley, you can +imagine my discomfiture when her majordomo ushered me, still in my +travelling dress, into a salon where I found her sumptuously dressed +and surrounded by four persons. Lord Dudley, one of the most +distinguished old statesmen of England, was standing with his back to +the fireplace, stiff, haughty, frigid, with the sarcastic air he +doubtless wore in parliament; he smiled when he heard my name. +Arabella's two children, who were amazingly like de Marsay (a natural +son of the old lord), were near their mother; de Marsay himself was on +the sofa beside her. As soon as Arabella saw me she assumed a distant +air, and glanced at my travelling cap as if to ask what brought me +there. She looked me over from head to foot, as though I were some +country gentlemen just presented to her. As for our intimacy, that +eternal passion, those vows of suicide if I ceased to love her, those +visions of Armida, all had vanished like a dream. I had never clasped +her hand; I was a stranger; she knew me not. In spite of the +diplomatic self-possession to which I was gradually being trained, I +was confounded; and all others in my place would have felt the same. +De Marsay smiled at his boots, which he examined with remarkable +interest. I decided at once upon my course. From any other woman I +should modestly have accepted my defeat; but, outraged at the glowing +appearance of the heroine who had vowed to die for love, and who had +scoffed at the woman who was really dead, I resolved to meet insolence +with insolence. She knew very well the misfortunes of Lady Brandon; to +remind her of them was to send a dagger to her heart, though the +weapon might be blunted by the blow. + +"Madame," I said, "I am sure you will pardon my unceremonious +entrance, when I tell you that I have just arrived from Touraine, and +that Lady Brandon has given me a message for you which allows of no +delay. I feared you had already started for Lancashire, but as you are +still in Paris I will await your orders at any hour you may be pleased +to appoint." + +She bowed, and I left the room. Since that day I have only met her in +society, where we exchange a friendly bow, and occasionally a sarcasm. +I talk to her of the inconsolable women of Lancashire; she makes +allusion to Frenchwomen who dignify their gastric troubles by calling +them despair. Thanks to her, I have a mortal enemy in de Marsay, of +whom she is very fond. In return, I call her the wife of two +generations. + +So my disaster was complete; it lacked nothing. I followed the plan I +had laid out for myself during my retreat at Sache; I plunged into +work and gave myself wholly to science, literature, and politics. I +entered the diplomatic service on the accession of Charles X., who +suppressed the employment I held under the late king. From that moment +I was firmly resolved to pay no further attention to any woman, no +matter how beautiful, witty, or loving she might be. This +determination succeeded admirably; I obtained a really marvellous +tranquillity of mind, and great powers of work, and I came to +understand how much these women waste our lives, believing, all the +while, that a few gracious words will repay us. + +But--all my resolutions came to naught; you know how and why. Dear +Natalie, in telling you my life, without reserve, without concealment, +precisely as I tell it to myself, in relating to you feelings in which +you have had no share, perhaps I have wounded some corner of your +sensitive and jealous heart. But that which might anger a common woman +will be to you--I feel sure of it--an additional reason for loving me. +Noble women have indeed a sublime mission to fulfil to suffering and +sickened hearts,--the mission of the sister of charity who stanches +the wound, of the mother who forgives a child. Artists and poets are +not the only ones who suffer; men who work for their country, for the +future destiny of the nations, enlarging thus the circle of their +passions and their thoughts, often make for themselves a cruel +solitude. They need a pure, devoted love beside them,--believe me, +they understand its grandeur and its worth. + +To-morrow I shall know if I have deceived myself in loving you. + +Felix. + + + + +ANSWER TO THE ENVOI + + Madame la Comtesse Natalie de Manerville to Monsieur le Comte + Felix de Vandenesse. + + Dear Count,--You received a letter from poor Madame de Mortsauf, + which, you say, was of use in guiding you through the world,--a + letter to which you owe your distinguished career. Permit me to + finish your education. + + Give up, I beg of you, a really dreadful habit; do not imitate + certain widows who talk of their first husband and throw the + virtues of the deceased in the face of their second. I am a + Frenchwoman, dear count; I wish to marry the whole of the man I + love, and I really cannot marry Madame de Mortsauf too. Having + read your tale with all the attention it deserves,--and you know + the interest I feel in you,--it seems to me that you must have + wearied Lady Dudley with the perfections of Madame de Mortsauf, + and done great harm to the countess by overwhelming her with the + experiences of your English love. Also you have failed in tact to + me, poor creature without other merit than that of pleasing you; + you have given me to understand that I cannot love as Henriette or + Arabella loved you. I acknowledge my imperfections; I know them; + but why so roughly make me feel them? + + Shall I tell you whom I pity?--the fourth woman whom you love. She + will be forced to struggle against three others. Therefore, in + your interests as well as in hers, I must warn you against the + dangers of your tale. For myself, I renounce the laborious glory + of loving you,--it needs too many virtues, Catholic or Anglican, + and I have no fancy for rivalling phantoms. The virtues of the + virgin of Clochegourde would dishearten any woman, however sure of + herself she might be, and your intrepid English amazon discourages + even a wish for that sort of happiness. No matter what a poor + woman may do, she can never hope to give you the joys she will + aspire to give. Neither heart nor senses can triumph against these + memories of yours. I own that I have never been able to warm the + sunshine chilled for you by the death of your sainted Henriette. I + have felt you shuddering beside me. + + My friend,--for you will always be my friend,--never make such + confidences again; they lay bare your disillusions; they + discourage love, and compel a woman to feel doubtful of herself. + Love, dear count, can only live on trustfulness. The woman who + before she says a word or mounts her horse, must ask herself + whether a celestial Henriette might not have spoken better, + whether a rider like Arabella was not more graceful, that woman + you may be very sure, will tremble in all her members. You + certainly have given me a desire to receive a few of those + intoxicating bouquets--but you say you will make no more. There + are many other things you dare no longer do; thoughts and + enjoyments you can never reawaken. No woman, and you ought to know + this, will be willing to elbow in your heart the phantom whom you + hold there. + + You ask me to love you out of Christian charity. I could do much, + I candidly admit, for charity; in fact I could do all--except + love. You are sometimes wearisome and wearied; you call your + dulness melancholy. Very good,--so be it; but all the same it is + intolerable, and causes much cruel anxiety to one who loves you. I + have often found the grave of that saint between us. I have + searched my own heart, I know myself, and I own I do not wish to + die as she did. If you tired out Lady Dudley, who is a very + distinguished woman, I, who have not her passionate desires, + should, I fear, turn coldly against you even sooner than she did. + Come, let us suppress love between us, inasmuch as you can find + happiness only with the dead, and let us be merely friends--I wish + it. + + Ah! my dear count, what a history you have told me! At your + entrance into life you found an adorable woman, a perfect + mistress, who thought of your future, made you a peer, loved you + to distraction, only asked that you would be faithful to her, and + you killed her! I know nothing more monstrous. Among all the + passionate and unfortunate young men who haunt the streets of + Paris, I doubt if there is one who would not stay virtuous ten + years to obtain one half of the favors you did not know how to + value! When a man is loved like that how can he ask more? Poor + woman! she suffered indeed; and after you have written a few + sentimental phrases you think you have balanced your account with + her coffin. Such, no doubt, is the end that awaits my tenderness + for you. Thank you, dear count, I will have no rival on either + side of the grave. When a man has such a crime upon his + conscience, at least he ought not to tell of it. I made you an + imprudent request; but I was true to my woman's part as a daughter + of Eve,--it was your part to estimate the effect of the answer. + You ought to have deceived me; later I should have thanked you. Is + it possible that you have never understood the special virtue of + lovers? Can you not feel how generous they are in swearing that + they have never loved before, and love at last for the first time? + + No, your programme cannot be carried out. To attempt to be both + Madame de Mortsauf and Lady Dudley,--why, my dear friend, it would + be trying to unite fire and water within me! Is it possible that + you don't know women? Believe me, they are what they are, and they + have therefore the defects of their virtues. You met Lady Dudley + too early in life to appreciate her, and the harm you say of her + seems to me the revenge of your wounded vanity. You understood + Madame de Mortsauf too late; you punished one for not being the + other,--what would happen to me if I were neither the one nor the + other? I love you enough to have thought deeply about your future; + in fact, I really care for you a great deal. Your air of the + Knight of the Sad Countenance has always deeply interested me; I + believed in the constancy of melancholy men; but I little thought + that you had killed the loveliest and the most virtuous of women + at the opening of your life. + + Well, I ask myself, what remains for you to do? I have thought it + over carefully. I think, my friend, that you will have to marry a + Mrs. Shandy, who will know nothing of love or of passion, and will + not trouble herself about Madame de Mortsauf or Lady Dudley; who + will be wholly indifferent to those moments of ennui which you + call melancholy, during which you are as lively as a rainy day,--a + wife who will be to you, in short, the excellent sister of charity + whom you are seeking. But as for loving, quivering at a word, + anticipating happiness, giving it, receiving it, experiencing all + the tempests of passion, cherishing the little weaknesses of a + beloved woman--my dear count, renounce it all! You have followed + the advice of your good angel about young women too closely; you + have avoided them so carefully that now you know nothing about + them. Madame de Mortsauf was right to place you high in life at + the start; otherwise all women would have been against you, and + you never would have risen in society. + + It is too late now to begin your training over again; too late to + learn to tell us what we long to hear; to be superior to us at the + right moment, or to worship our pettiness when it pleases us to be + petty. We are not so silly as you think us. When we love we place + the man of our choice above all else. Whatever shakes our faith in + our supremacy shakes our love. In flattering us men flatter + themselves. If you intend to remain in society, to enjoy an + intercourse with women, you must carefully conceal from them all + that you have told me; they will not be willing to sow the flowers + of their love upon the rocks or lavish their caresses to soothe a + sickened spirit. Women will discover the barrenness of your heart + and you will be ever more and more unhappy. Few among them would + be frank enough to tell you what I have told you, or sufficiently + good-natured to leave you without rancor, offering their + friendship, like the woman who now subscribes herself + +Your devoted friend, + +Natalie de Manerville. + + + + +ADDENDUM + +The following personages appear in other stories of the Human Comedy. + +Birotteau, Abbe Francois + Cesar Birotteau + The Vicar of Tours + +Blamont-Chauvry, Princesse de + The Thirteen + Madame Firmiani + +Brandon, Lady Marie Augusta + The Member for Arcis + La Grenadiere + +Chessel, Madame de + The Government Clerks + +Dudley, Lord + The Thirteen + A Man of Business + Another Study of Woman + A Daughter of Eve + +Dudley, Lady Arabella + The Ball at Sceaux + The Magic Skin + The Secrets of a Princess + A Daughter of Eve + Letters of Two Brides + +Givry + Letters of Two Brides + Scenes from a Courtesan's Life + +Lenoncourt, Duc de + Cesar Birotteau + Jealousies of a Country Town + The Gondreville Mystery + Beatrix + +Lenoncourt-Givry, Duchesse de + Letters of Two Brides + Scenes from a Courtesan's Life + +Listomere, Marquis de + A Distinguished Provincial at Paris + A Study of Woman + +Listomere, Marquise de + Lost Illusions + A Distinguished Provincial at Paris + A Study of Woman + A Daughter of Eve + +Louis XVIII., Louis-Stanislas-Xavier + The Chouans + The Seamy Side of History + The Gondreville Mystery + Scenes from a Courtesan's Life + The Ball at Sceaux + Colonel Chabert + The Government Clerks + +Manerville, Comtesse Paul de + A Marriage Settlement + A Daughter of Eve + +Marsay, Henri de + The Thirteen + The Unconscious Humorists + Another Study of Woman + Father Goriot + Jealousies of a Country Town + Ursule Mirouet + A Marriage Settlement + Lost Illusions + A Distinguished Provincial at Paris + Letters of Two Brides + The Ball at Sceaux + Modeste Mignon + The Secrets of a Princess + The Gondreville Mystery + A Daughter of Eve + +Stanhope, Lady Esther + Lost Illusions + +Vandenesse, Comte Felix de + Lost Illusions + A Distinguished Provincial at Paris + Cesar Birotteau + Letters of Two Brides + A Start in Life + The Marriage Settlement + The Secrets of a Princess + Another Study of Woman + The Gondreville Mystery + A Daughter of Eve + + + + + +End of The Project Gutenberg Etext of The Lily of the Valley, by Balzac + diff --git a/old/tlotv10.zip b/old/tlotv10.zip Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..3646115 --- /dev/null +++ b/old/tlotv10.zip |