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diff --git a/1569.txt b/1569.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..03fab9b --- /dev/null +++ b/1569.txt @@ -0,0 +1,10120 @@ +The Project Gutenberg EBook of The Lily of the Valley, by Honore de Balzac + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: The Lily of the Valley + +Author: Honore de Balzac + +Translator: Katharine Prescott Wormeley + +Release Date: December, 1998 [Etext #1569] +Posting Date: February 26, 2010 + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ASCII + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK THE LILY OF THE VALLEY *** + + + + +Produced by John Bickers, and Dagny + + + + + +THE LILY OF THE VALLEY + + +By Honore De Balzac + + +Translated by Katharine Prescott Wormeley + + + + DEDICATION + + To Monsieur J. B. Nacquart, + Member of the Royal Academy of Medicine. + + Dear Doctor--Here is one of the most carefully hewn stones in the + second course of the foundation of a literary edifice which I have + slowly and laboriously constructed. I wish to inscribe your name + upon it, as much to thank the man whose science once saved me as + to honor the friend of my daily life. + + + De Balzac. + + + + + +THE LILY OF THE VALLEY + + + ENVOI + + Felix de Vandenesse to Madame la Comtesse Natalie de Manerville: + + I yield to your wishes. It is the privilege of the women whom we + love more than they love us to make the men who love them ignore + the ordinary rules of common-sense. To smooth the frown upon their + brow, to soften the pout upon their lips, what obstacles we + miraculously overcome! We shed our blood, we risk our future! + + You exact the history of my past life; here it is. But remember + this, Natalie; in obeying you I crush under foot a reluctance + hitherto unconquerable. Why are you jealous of the sudden reveries + which overtake me in the midst of our happiness? Why show the + pretty anger of a petted woman when silence grasps me? Could you + not play upon the contradictions of my character without inquiring + into the causes of them? Are there secrets in your heart which + seek absolution through a knowledge of mine? Ah! Natalie, you have + guessed mine; and it is better you should know the whole truth. + Yes, my life is shadowed by a phantom; a word evokes it; it hovers + vaguely above me and about me; within my soul are solemn memories, + buried in its depths like those marine productions seen in calmest + weather and which the storms of ocean cast in fragments on the + shore. + + The mental labor which the expression of ideas necessitates has + revived the old, old feelings which give me so much pain when they + come suddenly; and if in this confession of my past they break + forth in a way that wounds you, remember that you threatened to + punish me if I did not obey your wishes, and do not, therefore, + punish my obedience. I would that this, my confidence, might + increase your love. + + Until we meet, + + Felix. + + + + + +CHAPTER I. TWO CHILDHOODS + +To what genius fed on tears shall we some day owe that most touching of +all elegies,--the tale of tortures borne silently by souls whose tender +roots find stony ground in the domestic soil, whose earliest buds are +torn apart by rancorous hands, whose flowers are touched by frost at the +moment of their blossoming? What poet will sing the sorrows of the child +whose lips must suck a bitter breast, whose smiles are checked by the +cruel fire of a stern eye? The tale that tells of such poor hearts, +oppressed by beings placed about them to promote the development of +their natures, would contain the true history of my childhood. + +What vanity could I have wounded,--I a child new-born? What moral or +physical infirmity caused by mother's coldness? Was I the child of +duty, whose birth is a mere chance, or was I one whose very life was +a reproach? Put to nurse in the country and forgotten by my family for +over three years, I was treated with such indifference on my return to +the parental roof that even the servants pitied me. I do not know to +what feeling or happy accident I owed my rescue from this first neglect; +as a child I was ignorant of it, as a man I have not discovered it. Far +from easing my lot, my brother and my two sisters found amusement in +making me suffer. The compact in virtue of which children hide each +other's peccadilloes, and which early teaches them the principles +of honor, was null and void in my case; more than that, I was often +punished for my brother's faults, without being allowed to prove the +injustice. The fawning spirit which seems instinctive in children +taught my brother and sisters to join in the persecutions to which I was +subjected, and thus keep in the good graces of a mother whom they +feared as much as I. Was this partly the effect of a childish love of +imitation; was it from a need of testing their powers; or was it simply +through lack of pity? Perhaps these causes united to deprive me of the +sweets of fraternal intercourse. + +Disinherited of all affection, I could love nothing; yet nature had made +me loving. Is there an angel who garners the sighs of feeling hearts +rebuffed incessantly? If in many such hearts the crushed feelings turn +to hatred, in mine they condensed and hollowed a depth from which, in +after years, they gushed forth upon my life. In many characters the +habit of trembling relaxes the fibres and begets fear, and fear ends +in submission; hence, a weakness which emasculates a man, and makes him +more or less a slave. But in my case these perpetual tortures led to the +development of a certain strength, which increased through exercise +and predisposed my spirit to the habit of moral resistance. Always +in expectation of some new grief--as the martyrs expected some fresh +blow--my whole being expressed, I doubt not, a sullen resignation which +smothered the grace and gaiety of childhood, and gave me an appearance +of idiocy which seemed to justify my mother's threatening prophecies. +The certainty of injustice prematurely roused my pride--that fruit +of reason--and thus, no doubt, checked the evil tendencies which an +education like mine encouraged. + +Though my mother neglected me I was sometimes the object of her +solicitude; she occasionally spoke of my education and seemed desirous +of attending to it herself. Cold chills ran through me at such times +when I thought of the torture a daily intercourse with her would inflict +upon me. I blessed the neglect in which I lived, and rejoiced that I +could stay alone in the garden and play with the pebbles and watch the +insects and gaze into the blueness of the sky. Though my loneliness +naturally led me to reverie, my liking for contemplation was first +aroused by an incident which will give you an idea of my early troubles. +So little notice was taken of me that the governess occasionally forgot +to send me to bed. One evening I was peacefully crouching under a +fig-tree, watching a star with that passion of curiosity which takes +possession of a child's mind, and to which my precocious melancholy +gave a sort of sentimental intuition. My sisters were playing about +and laughing; I heard their distant chatter like an accompaniment to my +thoughts. After a while the noise ceased and darkness fell. My mother +happened to notice my absence. To escape blame, our governess, a +terrible Mademoiselle Caroline, worked upon my mother's fears,--told her +I had a horror of my home and would long ago have run away if she had +not watched me; that I was not stupid but sullen; and that in all her +experience of children she had never known one of so bad a disposition +as mine. She pretended to search for me. I answered as soon as I was +called, and she came to the fig-tree, where she very well knew I was. +"What are you doing there?" she asked. "Watching a star." "You were +not watching a star," said my mother, who was listening on her balcony; +"children of your age know nothing of astronomy." "Ah, madame," cried +Mademoiselle Caroline, "he has opened the faucet of the reservoir; the +garden is inundated!" Then there was a general excitement. The fact was +that my sisters had amused themselves by turning the cock to see the +water flow, but a sudden spurt wet them all over and frightened them +so much that they ran away without closing it. Accused and convicted +of this piece of mischief and told that I lied when I denied it, I was +severely punished. Worse than all, I was jeered at for my pretended love +of the stars and forbidden to stay in the garden after dark. + +Such tyrannical restrains intensify a passion in the hearts of children +even more than in those of men; children think of nothing but the +forbidden thing, which then becomes irresistibly attractive to them. I +was often whipped for my star. Unable to confide in my kind, I told it +all my troubles in that delicious inward prattle with which we stammer +our first ideas, just as once we stammered our first words. At twelve +years of age, long after I was at school, I still watched that star +with indescribable delight,--so deep and lasting are the impressions we +receive in the dawn of life. + +My brother Charles, five years older than I and as handsome a boy as he +now is a man, was the favorite of my father, the idol of my mother, and +consequently the sovereign of the house. He was robust and well-made, +and had a tutor. I, puny and even sickly, was sent at five years of age +as day pupil to a school in the town; taken in the morning and brought +back at night by my father's valet. I was sent with a scanty lunch, +while my school-fellows brought plenty of good food. This trifling +contrast between my privations and their prosperity made me suffer +deeply. The famous potted pork prepared at Tours and called "rillettes" +and "rillons" was the chief feature of their mid-day meal, between +the early breakfast and the parent's dinner, which was ready when we +returned from school. This preparation of meat, much prized by certain +gourmands, is seldom seen at Tours on aristocratic tables; if I had +ever heard of it before I went to school, I certainly had never had +the happiness of seeing that brown mess spread on slices of bread and +butter. Nevertheless, my desire for those "rillons" was so great that it +grew to be a fixed idea, like the longing of an elegant Parisian duchess +for the stews cooked by a porter's wife,--longings which, being a woman, +she found means to satisfy. Children guess each other's covetousness, +just as you are able to read a man's love, by the look in the eyes; +consequently I became an admirable butt for ridicule. My comrades, +nearly all belonging to the lower bourgeoisie, would show me their +"rillons" and ask if I knew how they were made and where they were sold, +and why it was that I never had any. They licked their lips as they +talked of them--scraps of pork pressed in their own fat and looking like +cooked truffles; they inspected my lunch-basket, and finding nothing +better than Olivet cheese or dried fruits, they plagued me +with questions: "Is that all you have? have you really nothing +else?"--speeches which made me realize the difference between my brother +and myself. + +This contrast between my own abandonment and the happiness of others +nipped the roses of my childhood and blighted my budding youth. The +first time that I, mistaking my comrades' actions for generosity, put +forth my hand to take the dainty I had so long coveted and which was now +hypocritically held out to me, my tormentor pulled back his slice to the +great delight of his comrades who were expecting that result. If noble +and distinguished minds are, as we often find them, capable of vanity, +can we blame the child who weeps when despised and jeered at? Under such +a trial many boys would have turned into gluttons and cringing beggars. +I fought to escape my persecutors. The courage of despair made me +formidable; but I was hated, and thus had no protection against +treachery. One evening as I left school I was struck in the back by +a handful of small stones tied in a handkerchief. When the valet, who +punished the perpetrator, told this to my mother she exclaimed: "That +dreadful child! he will always be a torment to us." + +Finding that I inspired in my schoolmates the same repulsion that was +felt for me by my family, I sank into a horrible distrust of myself. A +second fall of snow checked the seeds that were germinating in my soul. +The boys whom I most liked were notorious scamps; this fact roused my +pride and I held aloof. Again I was shut up within myself and had no +vent for the feelings with which my heart was full. The master of the +school, observing that I was gloomy, disliked by my comrades, and always +alone, confirmed the family verdict as to my sulky temper. As soon as I +could read and write, my mother transferred me to Pont-le-Voy, a school +in charge of Oratorians who took boys of my age into a form called the +"class of the Latin steps" where dull lads with torpid brains were apt +to linger. + +There I remained eight years without seeing my family; living the life +of a pariah,--partly for the following reason. I received but three +francs a month pocket-money, a sum barely sufficient to buy the pens, +ink, paper, knives, and rules which we were forced to supply ourselves. +Unable to buy stilts or skipping-ropes, or any of the things that were +used in the playground, I was driven out of the games; to gain admission +on suffrage I should have had to toady the rich and flatter the strong +of my division. My heart rose against either of these meannesses, which, +however, most children readily employ. I lived under a tree, lost in +dejected thought, or reading the books distributed to us monthly by the +librarian. How many griefs were in the shadow of that solitude; what +genuine anguish filled my neglected life! Imagine what my sore heart +felt when, at the first distribution of prizes,--of which I obtained +the two most valued, namely, for theme and for translation,--neither my +father nor my mother was present in the theatre when I came forward to +receive the awards amid general acclamations, although the building was +filled with the relatives of all my comrades. Instead of kissing the +distributor, according to custom, I burst into tears and threw myself on +his breast. That night I burned my crowns in the stove. The parents of +the other boys were in town for a whole week preceding the distribution +of the prizes, and my comrades departed joyfully the next day; while I, +whose father and mother were only a few miles distant, remained at the +school with the "outremers,"--a name given to scholars whose families +were in the colonies or in foreign countries. + +You will notice throughout how my unhappiness increased in proportion as +the social spheres on which I entered widened. God knows what efforts I +made to weaken the decree which condemned me to live within myself! What +hopes, long cherished with eagerness of soul, were doomed to perish in +a day! To persuade my parents to come and see me, I wrote them letters +full of feeling, too emphatically worded, it may be; but surely such +letters ought not to have drawn upon me my mother's reprimand, coupled +with ironical reproaches for my style. Not discouraged even then, +I implored the help of my sisters, to whom I always wrote on their +birthdays and fete-days with the persistence of a neglected child; but +it was all in vain. As the day for the distribution of prizes approached +I redoubled my entreaties, and told of my expected triumphs. Misled by +my parents' silence, I expected them with a beating heart. I told my +schoolfellows they were coming; and then, when the old porter's step +sounded in the corridors as he called my happy comrades one by one to +receive their friends, I was sick with expectation. Never did that old +man call my name! + +One day, when I accused myself to my confessor of having cursed my life, +he pointed to the skies, where grew, he said, the promised palm for the +"Beati qui lugent" of the Saviour. From the period of my first communion +I flung myself into the mysterious depths of prayer, attracted to +religious ideas whose moral fairyland so fascinates young spirits. +Burning with ardent faith, I prayed to God to renew in my behalf the +miracles I had read of in martyrology. At five years of age I fled to +my star; at twelve I took refuge in the sanctuary. My ecstasy +brought dreams unspeakable, which fed my imagination, fostered my +susceptibilities, and strengthened my thinking powers. I have often +attributed those sublime visions to the guardian angel charged with +moulding my spirit to its divine destiny; they endowed my soul with the +faculty of seeing the inner soul of things; they prepared my heart for +the magic craft which makes a man a poet when the fatal power is his to +compare what he feels within him with reality,--the great things aimed +for with the small things gained. Those visions wrote upon my brain a +book in which I read that which I must voice; they laid upon my lips the +coal of utterance. + +My father having conceived some doubts as to the tendency of the +Oratorian teachings, took me from Pont-le-Voy, and sent me to Paris to +an institution in the Marais. I was then fifteen. When examined as to +my capacity, I, who was in the rhetoric class at Pont-le-Voy, was +pronounced worthy of the third class. The sufferings I had endured in my +family and in school were continued under another form during my stay +at the Lepitre Academy. My father gave me no money; I was to be fed, +clothed, and stuffed with Latin and Greek, for a sum agreed on. During +my school life I came in contact with over a thousand comrades; but I +never met with such an instance of neglect and indifference as mine. +Monsieur Lepitre, who was fanatically attached to the Bourbons, had had +relations with my father at the time when all devoted royalists were +endeavoring to bring about the escape of Marie Antoinette from the +Temple. They had lately renewed acquaintance; and Monsieur Lepitre +thought himself obliged to repair my father's oversight, and to give me +a small sum monthly. But not being authorized to do so, the amount was +small indeed. + +The Lepitre establishment was in the old Joyeuse mansion where, as in +all seignorial houses, there was a porter's lodge. During a recess, +which preceded the hour when the man-of-all-work took us to the +Charlemagne Lyceum, the well-to-do pupils used to breakfast with the +porter, named Doisy. Monsieur Lepitre was either ignorant of the fact or +he connived at this arrangement with Doisy, a regular smuggler whom it +was the pupils' interest to protect,--he being the secret guardian +of their pranks, the safe confidant of their late returns and their +intermediary for obtaining forbidden books. Breakfast on a cup of +"cafe-au-lait" is an aristocratic habit, explained by the high prices +to which colonial products rose under Napoleon. If the use of sugar +and coffee was a luxury to our parents, with us it was the sign of +self-conscious superiority. Doisy gave credit, for he reckoned on the +sisters and aunts of the pupils, who made it a point of honor to pay +their debts. I resisted the blandishments of his place for a long time. +If my judges knew the strength of its seduction, the heroic efforts I +made after stoicism, the repressed desires of my long resistance, they +would pardon my final overthrow. But, child as I was, could I have the +grandeur of soul that scorns the scorn of others? Moreover, I may have +felt the promptings of several social vices whose power was increased by +my longings. + +About the end of the second year my father and mother came to Paris. My +brother had written me the day of their arrival. He lived in Paris, but +had never been to see me. My sisters, he said, were of the party; we +were all to see Paris together. The first day we were to dine in the +Palais-Royal, so as to be near the Theatre-Francais. In spite of the +intoxication such a programme of unhoped-for delights excited, my joy +was dampened by the wind of a coming storm, which those who are used +to unhappiness apprehend instinctively. I was forced to own a debt of +a hundred francs to the Sieur Doisy, who threatened to ask my parents +himself for the money. I bethought me of making my brother the emissary +of Doisy, the mouth-piece of my repentance and the mediator of pardon. +My father inclined to forgiveness, but my mother was pitiless; her dark +blue eye froze me; she fulminated cruel prophecies: "What should I +be later if at seventeen years of age I committed such follies? Was I +really a son of hers? Did I mean to ruin my family? Did I think myself +the only child of the house? My brother Charles's career, already begun, +required large outlay, amply deserved by his conduct which did honor to +the family, while mine would always disgrace it. Did I know nothing of +the value of money, and what I cost them? Of what use were coffee and +sugar to my education? Such conduct was the first step into all the +vices." + +After enduring the shock of this torrent which rasped my soul, I was +sent back to school in charge of my brother. I lost the dinner at the +Freres Provencaux, and was deprived of seeing Talma in Britannicus. +Such was my first interview with my mother after a separation of twelve +years. + +When I had finished school my father left me under the guardianship of +Monsieur Lepitre. I was to study the higher mathematics, follow a course +of law for one year, and begin philosophy. Allowed to study in my own +room and released from the classes, I expected a truce with trouble. +But, in spite of my nineteen years, perhaps because of them, my father +persisted in the system which had sent me to school without food, to an +academy without pocket-money, and had driven me into debt to Doisy. Very +little money was allowed to me, and what can you do in Paris without +money? Moreover, my freedom was carefully chained up. Monsieur Lepitre +sent me to the law school accompanied by a man-of-all-work who handed me +over to the professor and fetched me home again. A young girl would have +been treated with less precaution than my mother's fears insisted on for +me. Paris alarmed my parents, and justly. Students are secretly engaged +in the same occupation which fills the minds of young ladies in their +boarding-schools. Do what you will, nothing can prevent the latter from +talking of lovers, or the former of women. But in Paris, and especially +at this particular time, such talk among young lads was influenced by +the oriental and sultanic atmosphere and customs of the Palais-Royal. + +The Palais-Royal was an Eldorado of love where the ingots melted away in +coin; there virgin doubts were over; there curiosity was appeased. The +Palais-Royal and I were two asymptotes bearing one towards the other, +yet unable to meet. Fate miscarried all my attempts. My father had +presented me to one of my aunts who lived in the Ile St. Louis. With her +I was to dine on Sundays and Thursdays, escorted to the house by either +Monsieur or Madame Lepitre, who went out themselves on those days and +were to call for me on their way home. Singular amusement for a +young lad! My aunt, the Marquise de Listomere, was a great lady, of +ceremonious habits, who would never have dreamed of offering me money. +Old as a cathedral, painted like a miniature, sumptuous in dress, she +lived in her great house as though Louis XV. were not dead, and saw none +but old women and men of a past day,--a fossil society which made me +think I was in a graveyard. No one spoke to me and I had not the courage +to speak first. Cold and alien looks made me ashamed of my youth, +which seemed to annoy them. I counted on this indifference to aid me in +certain plans; I was resolved to escape some day directly after dinner +and rush to the Palais-Royal. Once seated at whist my aunt would pay no +attention to me. Jean, the footman, cared little for Monsieur Lepitre +and would have aided me; but on the day I chose for my adventure that +luckless dinner was longer than usual,--either because the jaws employed +were worn out or the false teeth more imperfect. At last, between eight +and nine o'clock, I reached the staircase, my heart beating like that of +Bianca Capello on the day of her flight; but when the porter pulled the +cord I beheld in the street before me Monsieur Lepitre's hackney-coach, +and I heard his pursy voice demanding me! + +Three times did fate interpose between the hell of the Palais-Royal and +the heaven of my youth. On the day when I, ashamed at twenty years of +age of my own ignorance, determined to risk all dangers to put an end +to it, at the very moment when I was about to run away from Monsieur +Lepitre as he got into the coach,--a difficult process, for he was +as fat as Louis XVIII. and club-footed,--well, can you believe it, my +mother arrived in a post-chaise! Her glance arrested me; I stood +still, like a bird before a snake. What fate had brought her there? The +simplest thing in the world. Napoleon was then making his last efforts. +My father, who foresaw the return of the Bourbons, had come to Paris +with my mother to advise my brother, who was employed in the imperial +diplomatic service. My mother was to take me back with her, out of the +way of dangers which seemed, to those who followed the march of events +intelligently, to threaten the capital. In a few minutes, as it were, I +was taken out of Paris, at the very moment when my life there was about +to become fatal to me. + +The tortures of imagination excited by repressed desires, the weariness +of a life depressed by constant privations had driven me to study, just +as men, weary of fate, confine themselves in a cloister. To me, +study had become a passion, which might even be fatal to my health by +imprisoning me at a period of life when young men ought to yield to the +bewitching activities of their springtide youth. + +This slight sketch of my boyhood, in which you, Natalie, can readily +perceive innumerable songs of woe, was needful to explain to you its +influence on my future life. At twenty years of age, and affected by +many morbid elements, I was still small and thin and pale. My soul, +filled with the will to do, struggled with a body that seemed weakly, +but which, in the words of an old physician at Tours, was undergoing its +final fusion into a temperament of iron. Child in body and old in mind, +I had read and thought so much that I knew life metaphysically at its +highest reaches at the moment when I was about to enter the tortuous +difficulties of its defiles and the sandy roads of its plains. A strange +chance had held me long in that delightful period when the soul awakes +to its first tumults, to its desires for joy, and the savor of life +is fresh. I stood in the period between puberty and manhood,--the one +prolonged by my excessive study, the other tardily developing its living +shoots. No young man was ever more thoroughly prepared to feel and to +love. To understand my history, let your mind dwell on that pure time +of youth when the mouth is innocent of falsehood; when the glance of +the eye is honest, though veiled by lids which droop from timidity +contradicting desire; when the soul bends not to worldly Jesuitism, +and the heart throbs as violently from trepidation as from the generous +impulses of young emotion. + +I need say nothing of the journey I made with my mother from Paris to +Tours. The coldness of her behavior repressed me. At each relay I tried +to speak; but a look, a word from her frightened away the speeches I had +been meditating. At Orleans, where we had passed the night, my mother +complained of my silence. I threw myself at her feet and clasped her +knees; with tears I opened my heart. I tried to touch hers by the +eloquence of my hungry love in accents that might have moved a +stepmother. She replied that I was playing comedy. I complained that she +had abandoned me. She called me an unnatural child. My whole nature was +so wrung that at Blois I went upon the bridge to drown myself in the +Loire. The height of the parapet prevented my suicide. + +When I reached home, my two sisters, who did not know me, showed +more surprise than tenderness. Afterwards, however, they seemed, by +comparison, to be full of kindness towards me. I was given a room on the +third story. You will understand the extent of my hardships when I tell +you that my mother left me, a young man of twenty, without other linen +than my miserable school outfit, or any other outside clothes than those +I had long worn in Paris. If I ran from one end of the room to the other +to pick up her handkerchief, she took it with the cold thanks a lady +gives to her footman. Driven to watch her to find if there were any soft +spot where I could fasten the rootlets of affection, I came to see +her as she was,--a tall, spare woman, given to cards, egotistical and +insolent, like all the Listomeres, who count insolence as part of their +dowry. She saw nothing in life except duties to be fulfilled. All +cold women whom I have known made, as she did, a religion of duty; she +received our homage as a priest receives the incense of the mass. My +elder brother appeared to absorb the trifling sentiment of maternity +which was in her nature. She stabbed us constantly with her sharp +irony,--the weapon of those who have no heart,--and which she used +against us, who could make her no reply. + +Notwithstanding these thorny hindrances, the instinctive sentiments +have so many roots, the religious fear inspired by a mother whom it +is dangerous to displease holds by so many threads, that the sublime +mistake--if I may so call it--of our love for our mother lasted until +the day, much later in our lives, when we judged her finally. This +terrible despotism drove from my mind all thoughts of the voluptuous +enjoyments I had dreamed of finding at Tours. In despair I took refuge +in my father's library, where I set myself to read every book I did not +know. These long periods of hard study saved me from contact with my +mother; but they aggravated the dangers of my moral condition. Sometimes +my eldest sister--she who afterwards married our cousin, the Marquis de +Listomere--tried to comfort me, without, however, being able to calm the +irritation to which I was a victim. I desired to die. + +Great events, of which I knew nothing, were then in preparation. The Duc +d'Angouleme, who had left Bordeaux to join Louis XVIII. in Paris, was +received in every town through which he passed with ovations inspired by +the enthusiasm felt throughout old France at the return of the Bourbons. +Touraine was aroused for its legitimate princes; the town itself was +in a flutter, every window decorated, the inhabitants in their Sunday +clothes, a festival in preparation, and that nameless excitement in the +air which intoxicates, and which gave me a strong desire to be present +at the ball given by the duke. When I summoned courage to make this +request of my mother, who was too ill to go herself, she became +extremely angry. "Had I come from Congo?" she inquired. "How could I +suppose that our family would not be represented at the ball? In +the absence of my father and brother, of course it was my duty to be +present. Had I no mother? Was she not always thinking of the welfare of +her children?" + +In a moment the semi-disinherited son had become a personage! I was more +dumfounded by my importance than by the deluge of ironical reasoning +with which my mother received my request. I questioned my sisters, and +then discovered that my mother, who liked such theatrical plots, +was already attending to my clothes. The tailors in Tours were fully +occupied by the sudden demands of their regular customers, and my mother +was forced to employ her usual seamstress, who--according to provincial +custom--could do all kinds of sewing. A bottle-blue coat had been +secretly made for me, after a fashion, and silk stockings and pumps +provided; waistcoats were then worn short, so that I could wear one +of my father's; and for the first time in my life I had a shirt with a +frill, the pleatings of which puffed out my chest and were gathered +in to the knot of my cravat. When dressed in this apparel I looked so +little like myself that my sister's compliments nerved me to face +all Touraine at the ball. But it was a bold enterprise. Thanks to my +slimness I slipped into a tent set up in the gardens of the Papion +house, and found a place close to the armchair in which the duke was +seated. Instantly I was suffocated by the heat, and dazzled by the +lights, the scarlet draperies, the gilded ornaments, the dresses, and +the diamonds of the first public ball I had ever witnessed. I was pushed +hither and thither by a mass of men and women, who hustled each other in +a cloud of dust. The brazen clash of military music was drowned in the +hurrahs and acclamations of "Long live the Duc d'Angouleme! Long live +the King! Long live the Bourbons!" The ball was an outburst of pent-up +enthusiasm, where each man endeavored to outdo the rest in his fierce +haste to worship the rising sun,--an exhibition of partisan greed which +left me unmoved, or rather, it disgusted me and drove me back within +myself. + +Swept onward like a straw in the whirlwind, I was seized with a childish +desire to be the Duc d'Angouleme himself, to be one of these princes +parading before an awed assemblage. This silly fancy of a Tourangean lad +roused an ambition to which my nature and the surrounding circumstances +lent dignity. Who would not envy such worship?--a magnificent repetition +of which I saw a few months later, when all Paris rushed to the feet +of the Emperor on his return from Elba. The sense of this dominion +exercised over the masses, whose feelings and whose very life are thus +merged into one soul, dedicated me then and thenceforth to glory, that +priestess who slaughters the Frenchmen of to-day as the Druidess once +sacrificed the Gauls. + +Suddenly I met the woman who was destined to spur these ambitious +desires and to crown them by sending me into the heart of royalty. +Too timid to ask any one to dance,--fearing, moreover, to confuse the +figures,--I naturally became very awkward, and did not know what to +do with my arms and legs. Just as I was suffering severely from the +pressure of the crowd an officer stepped on my feet, swollen by the new +leather of my shoes as well as by the heat. This disgusted me with the +whole affair. It was impossible to get away; but I took refuge in a +corner of a room at the end of an empty bench, where I sat with +fixed eyes, motionless and sullen. Misled by my puny appearance, a +woman--taking me for a sleepy child--slid softly into the place beside +me, with the motion of a bird as she drops upon her nest. Instantly I +breathed the woman-atmosphere, which irradiated my soul as, in after +days, oriental poesy has shone there. I looked at my neighbor, and was +more dazzled by that vision than I had been by the scene of the fete. + +If you have understood this history of my early life you will guess +the feelings which now welled up within me. My eyes rested suddenly +on white, rounded shoulders where I would fain have laid my +head,--shoulders faintly rosy, which seemed to blush as if uncovered for +the first time; modest shoulders, that possessed a soul, and reflected +light from their satin surface as from a silken texture. These shoulders +were parted by a line along which my eyes wandered. I raised myself to +see the bust and was spell-bound by the beauty of the bosom, chastely +covered with gauze, where blue-veined globes of perfect outline were +softly hidden in waves of lace. The slightest details of the head were +each and all enchantments which awakened infinite delights within +me; the brilliancy of the hair laid smoothly above a neck as soft +and velvety as a child's, the white lines drawn by the comb where my +imagination ran as along a dewy path,--all these things put me, as it +were, beside myself. Glancing round to be sure that no one saw me, I +threw myself upon those shoulders as a child upon the breast of its +mother, kissing them as I laid my head there. The woman uttered a +piercing cry, which the noise of the music drowned; she turned, saw +me, and exclaimed, "Monsieur!" Ah! had she said, "My little lad, what +possesses you?" I might have killed her; but at the word "Monsieur!" hot +tears fell from my eyes. I was petrified by a glance of saintly anger, +by a noble face crowned with a diadem of golden hair in harmony with +the shoulders I adored. The crimson of offended modesty glowed on her +cheeks, though already it was appeased by the pardoning instinct of +a woman who comprehends a frenzy which she inspires, and divines the +infinite adoration of those repentant tears. She moved away with the +step and carriage of a queen. + +I then felt the ridicule of my position; for the first time I realized +that I was dressed like the monkey of a barrel organ. I was ashamed. +There I stood, stupefied,--tasting the fruit that I had stolen, +conscious of the warmth upon my lips, repenting not, and following with +my eyes the woman who had come down to me from heaven. Sick with the +first fever of the heart I wandered through the rooms, unable to find +mine Unknown, until at last I went home to bed, another man. + +A new soul, a soul with rainbow wings, had burst its chrysalis. +Descending from the azure wastes where I had long admired her, my star +had come to me a woman, with undiminished lustre and purity. I loved, +knowing naught of love. How strange a thing, this first irruption of the +keenest human emotion in the heart of a man! I had seen pretty women in +other places, but none had made the slightest impression upon me. +Can there be an appointed hour, a conjunction of stars, a union of +circumstances, a certain woman among all others to awaken an exclusive +passion at the period of life when love includes the whole sex? + +The thought that my Elect lived in Touraine made the air I breathed +delicious; the blue of the sky seemed bluer than I had ever yet seen it. +I raved internally, but externally I was seriously ill, and my mother +had fears, not unmingled with remorse. Like animals who know when danger +is near, I hid myself away in the garden to think of the kiss that I +had stolen. A few days after this memorable ball my mother attributed my +neglect of study, my indifference to her tyrannical looks and sarcasms, +and my gloomy behavior to the condition of my health. The country, that +perpetual remedy for ills that doctors cannot cure, seemed to her the +best means of bringing me out of my apathy. She decided that I should +spend a few weeks at Frapesle, a chateau on the Indre midway between +Montbazon and Azay-le-Rideau, which belonged to a friend of hers, to +whom, no doubt, she gave private instructions. + +By the day when I thus for the first time gained my liberty I had swum +so vigorously in Love's ocean that I had well-nigh crossed it. I knew +nothing of mine unknown lady, neither her name, nor where to find +her; to whom, indeed, could I speak of her? My sensitive nature so +exaggerated the inexplicable fears which beset all youthful hearts at +the first approach of love that I began with the melancholy which often +ends a hopeless passion. I asked nothing better than to roam about the +country, to come and go and live in the fields. With the courage of +a child that fears no failure, in which there is something really +chivalrous, I determined to search every chateau in Touraine, travelling +on foot, and saying to myself as each old tower came in sight, "She is +there!" + +Accordingly, of a Thursday morning I left Tours by the barrier of +Saint-Eloy, crossed the bridges of Saint-Sauveur, reached Poncher whose +every house I examined, and took the road to Chinon. For the first +time in my life I could sit down under a tree or walk fast or slow as +I pleased without being dictated to by any one. To a poor lad crushed +under all sorts of despotism (which more or less does weigh upon all +youth) the first employment of freedom, even though it be expended upon +nothing, lifts the soul with irrepressible buoyancy. Several reasons +combined to make that day one of enchantment. During my school years I +had never been taken to walk more than two or three miles from a city; +yet there remained in my mind among the earliest recollections of my +childhood that feeling for the beautiful which the scenery about Tours +inspires. Though quite untaught as to the poetry of such a landscape, +I was, unknown to myself, critical upon it, like those who imagine the +ideal of art without knowing anything of its practice. + +To reach the chateau of Frapesle, foot-passengers, or those +on horseback, shorten the way by crossing the Charlemagne +moors,--uncultivated tracts of land lying on the summit of the plateau +which separates the valley of the Cher from that of the Indre, and over +which there is a cross-road leading to Champy. These moors are flat and +sandy, and for more than three miles are dreary enough until you reach, +through a clump of woods, the road to Sache, the name of the township +in which Frapesle stands. This road, which joins that of Chinon beyond +Ballan, skirts an undulating plain to the little hamlet of Artanne. Here +we come upon a valley, which begins at Montbazon, ends at the Loire, +and seems to rise and fall,--to bound, as it were,--beneath the chateaus +placed on its double hillsides,--a splendid emerald cup, in the depths +of which flow the serpentine lines of the river Indre. I gazed at this +scene with ineffable delight, for which the gloomy moor-land and the +fatigue of the sandy walk had prepared me. + +"If that woman, the flower of her sex, does indeed inhabit this earth, +she is here, on this spot." + +Thus musing, I leaned against a walnut-tree, beneath which I have rested +from that day to this whenever I return to my dear valley. Beneath that +tree, the confidant of my thoughts, I ask myself what changes there are +in me since last I stood there. + +My heart deceived me not--she lived there; the first castle that I saw +on the slope of a hill was the dwelling that held her. As I sat beneath +my nut-tree, the mid-day sun was sparkling on the slates of her roof and +the panes of her windows. Her cambric dress made the white line which I +saw among the vines of an arbor. She was, as you know already without +as yet knowing anything, the Lily of this valley, where she grew for +heaven, filling it with the fragrance of her virtues. Love, infinite +love, without other sustenance than the vision, dimly seen, of which my +soul was full, was there, expressed to me by that long ribbon of water +flowing in the sunshine between the grass-green banks, by the lines of +the poplars adorning with their mobile laces that vale of love, by the +oak-woods coming down between the vineyards to the shore, which the +river curved and rounded as it chose, and by those dim varying horizons +as they fled confusedly away. + +If you would see nature beautiful and virgin as a bride, go there of a +spring morning. If you would still the bleeding wounds of your heart, +return in the last days of autumn. In the spring, Love beats his wings +beneath the broad blue sky; in the autumn, we think of those who are no +more. The lungs diseased breathe in a blessed purity; the eyes will rest +on golden copses which impart to the soul their peaceful stillness. At +this moment, when I stood there for the first time, the mills upon +the brooksides gave a voice to the quivering valley; the poplars were +laughing as they swayed; not a cloud was in the sky; the birds sang, +the crickets chirped,--all was melody. Do not ask me again why I love +Touraine. I love it, not as we love our cradle, not as we love the oasis +in a desert; I love it as an artist loves art; I love it less than I +love you; but without Touraine, perhaps I might not now be living. + +Without knowing why, my eyes reverted ever to that white spot, to the +woman who shone in that garden as the bell of a convolvulus shines amid +the underbrush, and wilts if touched. Moved to the soul, I descended +the slope and soon saw a village, which the superabounding poetry that +filled my heart made me fancy without an equal. Imagine three mills +placed among islands of graceful outline crowned with groves of trees +and rising from a field of water,--for what other name can I give to +that aquatic vegetation, so verdant, so finely colored, which carpeted +the river, rose above its surface and undulated upon it, yielding to its +caprices and swaying to the turmoil of the water when the mill-wheels +lashed it. Here and there were mounds of gravel, against which the +wavelets broke in fringes that shimmered in the sunlight. Amaryllis, +water-lilies, reeds, and phloxes decorated the banks with their glorious +tapestry. A trembling bridge of rotten planks, the abutments swathed +with flowers, and the hand-rails green with perennials and velvet +mosses drooping to the river but not falling to it; mouldering boats, +fishing-nets; the monotonous sing-song of a shepherd; ducks paddling +among the islands or preening on the "jard,"--a name given to the coarse +sand which the Loire brings down; the millers, with their caps over +one ear, busily loading their mules,--all these details made the scene +before me one of primitive simplicity. Imagine, also, beyond the bridge +two or three farm-houses, a dove-cote, turtle-doves, thirty or more +dilapidated cottages, separated by gardens, by hedges of honeysuckle, +clematis, and jasmine; a dunghill beside each door, and cocks and hens +about the road. Such is the village of Pont-de-Ruan, a picturesque +little hamlet leading up to an old church full of character, a church +of the days of the Crusades, such a one as painters desire for their +pictures. Surround this scene with ancient walnut-trees and slim young +poplars with their pale-gold leaves; dot graceful buildings here and +there along the grassy slopes where sight is lost beneath the vaporous, +warm sky, and you will have some idea of one of the points of view of +this most lovely region. + +I followed the road to Sache along the left bank of the river, noticing +carefully the details of the hills on the opposite shore. At length I +reached a park embellished with centennial trees, which I knew to be +that of Frapesle. I arrived just as the bell was ringing for breakfast. +After the meal, my host, who little suspected that I had walked from +Tours, carried me over his estate, from the borders of which I saw the +valley on all sides under its many aspects,--here through a vista, there +to its broad extent; often my eyes were drawn to the horizon along the +golden blade of the Loire, where the sails made fantastic figures among +the currents as they flew before the wind. As we mounted a crest I +came in sight of the chateau d'Azay, like a diamond of many facets in +a setting of the Indre, standing on wooden piles concealed by flowers. +Farther on, in a hollow, I saw the romantic masses of the chateau +of Sache, a sad retreat though full of harmony; too sad for the +superficial, but dear to a poet with a soul in pain. I, too, came to +love its silence, its great gnarled trees, and the nameless mysterious +influence of its solitary valley. But now, each time that we reached +an opening towards the neighboring slope which gave to view the pretty +castle I had first noticed in the morning, I stopped to look at it with +pleasure. + +"Hey!" said my host, reading in my eyes the sparkling desires which +youth so ingenuously betrays, "so you scent from afar a pretty woman as +a dog scents game!" + +I did not like the speech, but I asked the name of the castle and of its +owner. + +"It is Clochegourde," he replied; "a pretty house belonging to the Comte +de Mortsauf, the head of an historic family in Touraine, whose fortune +dates from the days of Louis XI., and whose name tells the story to +which they owe their arms and their distinction. Monsieur de Mortsauf +is descended from a man who survived the gallows. The family bear: Or, +a cross potent and counter-potent sable, charged with a fleur-de-lis or; +and 'Dieu saulve le Roi notre Sire,' for motto. The count settled here +after the return of the emigration. The estate belongs to his wife, a +demoiselle de Lenoncourt, of the house of Lenoncourt-Givry which is now +dying out. Madame de Mortsauf is an only daughter. The limited fortune +of the family contrasts strangely with the distinction of their names; +either from pride, or, possibly, from necessity, they never leave +Clochegourde and see no company. Until now their attachment to the +Bourbons explained this retirement, but the return of the king has not +changed their way of living. When I came to reside here last year I paid +them a visit of courtesy; they returned it and invited us to dinner; the +winter separated us for some months, and political events kept me away +from Frapesle until recently. Madame de Mortsauf is a woman who would +hold the highest position wherever she might be." + +"Does she often come to Tours?" + +"She never goes there. However," he added, correcting himself, "she did +go there lately to the ball given to the Duc d'Angouleme, who was very +gracious to her husband." + +"It was she!" I exclaimed. + +"She! who?" + +"A woman with beautiful shoulders." + +"You will meet a great many women with beautiful shoulders in Touraine," +he said, laughing. "But if you are not tired we can cross the river +and call at Clochegourde and you shall renew acquaintance with those +particular shoulders." + +I agreed, not without a blush of shame and pleasure. About four o'clock +we reached the little chateau on which my eyes had fastened from the +first. The building, which is finely effective in the landscape, is in +reality very modest. It has five windows on the front; those at each +end of the facade, looking south, project about twelve feet,--an +architectural device which gives the idea of two towers and adds grace +to the structure. The middle window serves as a door from which you +descend through a double portico into a terraced garden which joins the +narrow strip of grass-land that skirts the Indre along its whole course. +Though this meadow is separated from the lower terrace, which is shaded +by a double line of acacias and Japanese ailanthus, by the country road, +it nevertheless appears from the house to be a part of the garden, for +the road is sunken and hemmed in on one side by the terrace, on the +other side by a Norman hedge. The terraces being very well managed +put enough distance between the house and the river to avoid the +inconvenience of too great proximity to water, without losing the charms +of it. Below the house are the stables, coach-house, green-houses, +and kitchen, the various openings to which form an arcade. The roof is +charmingly rounded at the angles, and bears mansarde windows with carved +mullions and leaden finials on their gables. This roof, no doubt much +neglected during the Revolution, is stained by a sort of mildew produced +by lichens and the reddish moss which grows on houses exposed to the +sun. The glass door of the portico is surmounted by a little tower +which holds the bell, and on which is carved the escutcheon of the +Blamont-Chauvry family, to which Madame de Mortsauf belonged, as +follows: Gules, a pale vair, flanked quarterly by two hands clasped or, +and two lances in chevron sable. The motto, "Voyez tous, nul ne touche!" +struck me greatly. The supporters, a griffin and dragon gules, enchained +or, made a pretty effect in the carving. The Revolution has damaged the +ducal crown and the crest, which was a palm-tree vert with fruit or. +Senart, the secretary of the committee of public safety was bailiff of +Sache before 1781, which explains this destruction. + +These arrangements give an elegant air to the little castle, dainty as +a flower, which seems to scarcely rest upon the earth. Seen from the +valley the ground-floor appears to be the first story; but on the +other side it is on a level with a broad gravelled path leading to a +grass-plot, on which are several flower-beds. To right and left are +vineyards, orchards, and a few acres of tilled land planted with +chestnut-trees which surround the house, the ground falling rapidly to +the Indre, where other groups of trees of variegated shades of green, +chosen by Nature herself, are spread along the shore. I admired these +groups, so charmingly disposed, as we mounted the hilly road which +borders Clochegourde; I breathed an atmosphere of happiness. Has +the moral nature, like the physical nature, its own electrical +communications and its rapid changes of temperature? My heart was +beating at the approach of events then unrevealed which were to change +it forever, just as animals grow livelier when foreseeing fine weather. + +This day, so marked in my life, lacked no circumstance that was needed +to solemnize it. Nature was adorned like a woman to meet her lover. +My soul heard her voice for the first time; my eyes worshipped her, +as fruitful, as varied as my imagination had pictured her in those +school-dreams the influence of which I have tried in a few unskilful +words to explain to you, for they were to me an Apocalypse in which my +life was figuratively foretold; each event, fortunate or unfortunate, +being mated to some one of these strange visions by ties known only to +the soul. + +We crossed a court-yard surrounded by buildings necessary for the farm +work,--a barn, a wine-press, cow-sheds, and stables. Warned by the +barking of the watch-dog, a servant came to meet us, saying that +Monsieur le comte had gone to Azay in the morning but would soon return, +and that Madame la comtesse was at home. My companion looked at me. I +fairly trembled lest he should decline to see Madame de Mortsauf in +her husband's absence; but he told the man to announce us. With the +eagerness of a child I rushed into the long antechamber which crosses +the whole house. + +"Come in, gentlemen," said a golden voice. + +Though Madame de Mortsauf had spoken only one word at the ball, I +recognized her voice, which entered my soul and filled it as a ray of +sunshine fills and gilds a prisoner's dungeon. Thinking, suddenly, that +she might remember my face, my first impulse was to fly; but it was too +late,--she appeared in the doorway, and our eyes met. I know not which +of us blushed deepest. Too much confused for immediate speech she +returned to her seat at an embroidery frame while the servant placed two +chairs, then she drew out her needle and counted some stitches, as if +to explain her silence; after which she raised her head, gently yet +proudly, in the direction of Monsieur de Chessel as she asked to what +fortunate circumstance she owed his visit. Though curious to know the +secret of my unexpected appearance, she looked at neither of us,--her +eyes were fixed on the river; and yet you could have told by the way she +listened that she was able to recognize, as the blind do, the agitations +of a neighboring soul by the imperceptible inflexions of the voice. + +Monsieur de Chessel gave my name and biography. I had lately arrived +at Tours, where my parents had recalled me when the armies threatened +Paris. A son of Touraine to whom Touraine was as yet unknown, she would +find me a young man weakened by excessive study and sent to Frapesle to +amuse himself; he had already shown me his estate, which I saw for +the first time. I had just told him that I had walked from Tours to +Frapesle, and fearing for my health--which was really delicate--he had +stopped at Clochegourde to ask her to allow me to rest there. Monsieur +de Chessel told the truth; but the accident seemed so forced that Madame +de Mortsauf distrusted us. She gave me a cold, severe glance, under +which my own eyelids fell, as much from a sense of humiliation as +to hide the tears that rose beneath them. She saw the moisture on my +forehead, and perhaps she guessed the tears; for she offered me the +restoratives I needed, with a few kind and consoling words, which gave +me back the power of speech. I blushed like a young girl, and in a voice +as tremulous as that of an old man I thanked her and declined. + +"All I ask," I said, raising my eyes to hers, which mine now met for the +second time in a glance as rapid as lightning,--"is to rest here. I am +so crippled with fatigue I really cannot walk farther." + +"You must not doubt the hospitality of our beautiful Touraine," she +said; then, turning to my companion, she added: "You will give us the +pleasure of your dining at Clochegourde?" + +I threw such a look of entreaty at Monsieur de Chessel that he began +the preliminaries of accepting the invitation, though it was given in +a manner that seemed to expect a refusal. As a man of the world, +he recognized these shades of meaning; but I, a young man without +experience, believed so implicitly in the sincerity between word and +thought of this beautiful woman that I was wholly astonished when my +host said to me, after we reached home that evening, "I stayed because I +saw you were dying to do so; but if you do not succeed in making it +all right, I may find myself on bad terms with my neighbors." That +expression, "if you do not make it all right," made me ponder the matter +deeply. In other words, if I pleased Madame de Mortsauf, she would +not be displeased with the man who introduced me to her. He evidently +thought I had the power to please her; this in itself gave me that +power, and corroborated my inward hope at a moment when it needed some +outward succor. + +"I am afraid it will be difficult," he began; "Madame de Chessel expects +us." + +"She has you every day," replied the countess; "besides, we can send her +word. Is she alone?" + +"No, the Abbe de Quelus is there." + +"Well, then," she said, rising to ring the bell, "you really must dine +with us." + +This time Monsieur de Chessel thought her in earnest, and gave me a +congratulatory look. As soon as I was sure of passing a whole evening +under that roof I seemed to have eternity before me. For many miserable +beings to-morrow is a word without meaning, and I was of the number who +had no faith in it; when I was certain of a few hours of happiness I +made them contain a whole lifetime of delight. + +Madame de Mortsauf talked about local affairs, the harvest, the vintage, +and other matters to which I was a total stranger. This usually argues +either a want of breeding or great contempt for the stranger present +who is thus shut out from the conversation, but in this case it was +embarrassment. Though at first I thought she treated me as a child and +I envied the man of thirty to whom she talked of serious matters which +I could not comprehend, I came, a few months later, to understand how +significant a woman's silence often is, and how many thoughts a voluble +conversation masks. At first I attempted to be at my ease and take part +in it, then I perceived the advantages of my situation and gave myself +up to the charm of listening to Madame de Mortsauf's voice. The breath +of her soul rose and fell among the syllables as sound is divided by the +notes of a flute; it died away to the ear as it quickened the pulsation +of the blood. Her way of uttering the terminations in "i" was like a +bird's song; the "ch" as she said it was a kiss, but the "t's" were +an echo of her heart's despotism. She thus extended, without herself +knowing that she did so, the meaning of her words, leading the soul of +the listener into regions above this earth. Many a time I have continued +a discussion I could easily have ended, many a time I have allowed +myself to be unjustly scolded that I might listen to those harmonies of +the human voice, that I might breathe the air of her soul as it left +her lips, and strain to my soul that spoken light as I would fain have +strained the speaker to my breast. A swallow's song of joy it was when +she was gay!--but when she spoke of her griefs, a swan's voice calling +to its mates! + +Madame de Mortsauf's inattention to my presence enabled me to examine +her. My eyes rejoiced as they glided over the sweet speaker; they kissed +her feet, they clasped her waist, they played with the ringlets of her +hair. And yet I was a prey to terror, as all who, once in their lives, +have experienced the illimitable joys of a true passion will understand. +I feared she would detect me if I let my eyes rest upon the shoulder I +had kissed, and the fear sharpened the temptation. I yielded, I looked, +my eyes tore away the covering; I saw the mole which lay where the +pretty line between the shoulders started, and which, ever since the +ball, had sparkled in that twilight which seems the region of the sleep +of youths whose imagination is ardent and whose life is chaste. + +I can sketch for you the leading features which all eyes saw in Madame +de Mortsauf; but no drawing, however correct, no color, however warm, +can represent her to you. Her face was of those that require the +unattainable artist, whose hand can paint the reflection of inward +fires and render that luminous vapor which defies science and is not +revealable by language--but which a lover sees. Her soft, fair hair +often caused her much suffering, no doubt through sudden rushes of blood +to the head. Her brow, round and prominent like that of Joconda, teemed +with unuttered thoughts, restrained feelings--flowers drowning in bitter +waters. The eyes, of a green tinge flecked with brown, were always wan; +but if her children were in question, or if some keen condition of joy +or suffering (rare in the lives of all resigned women) seized her, those +eyes sent forth a subtile gleam as if from fires that were consuming +her,--the gleam that wrung the tears from mine when she covered me with +her contempt, and which sufficed to lower the boldest eyelid. A Grecian +nose, designed it might be by Phidias, and united by its double arch to +lips that were gracefully curved, spiritualized the face, which was +oval with a skin of the texture of a white camellia colored with soft +rose-tints upon the cheeks. Her plumpness did not detract from the +grace of her figure nor from the rounded outlines which made her shape +beautiful though well developed. You will understand the character of +this perfection when I say that where the dazzling treasures which +had so fascinated me joined the arm there was no crease or wrinkle. No +hollow disfigured the base of her head, like those which make the necks +of some women resemble trunks of trees; her muscles were not harshly +defined, and everywhere the lines were rounded into curves as fugitive +to the eye as to the pencil. A soft down faintly showed upon her cheeks +and on the outline of her throat, catching the light which made it +silken. Her little ears, perfect in shape, were, as she said herself, +the ears of a mother and a slave. In after days, when our hearts were +one, she would say to me, "Here comes Monsieur de Mortsauf"; and she was +right, though I, whose hearing is remarkably acute, could hear nothing. + +Her arms were beautiful. The curved fingers of the hand were long, and +the flesh projected at the side beyond the finger-nails, like those +of antique statues. I should displease you, I know, if you were not +yourself an exception to my rule, when I say that flat waists should +have the preference over round ones. The round waist is a sign of +strength; but women thus formed are imperious, self-willed, and more +voluptuous than tender. On the other hand, women with flat waists are +devoted in soul, delicately perceptive, inclined to sadness, more truly +woman than the other class. The flat waist is supple and yielding; the +round waist is inflexible and jealous. + +You now know how she was made. She had the foot of a well-bred +woman,--the foot that walks little, is quickly tired, and delights the +eye when it peeps beneath the dress. Though she was the mother of two +children, I have never met any woman so truly a young girl as she. Her +whole air was one of simplicity, joined to a certain bashful dreaminess +which attracted others, just as a painter arrests our steps before a +figure into which his genius has conveyed a world of sentiment. If you +recall the pure, wild fragrance of the heath we gathered on our return +from the Villa Diodati, the flower whose tints of black and rose you +praised so warmly, you can fancy how this woman could be elegant though +remote from the social world, natural in expression, fastidious in +all things which became part of herself,--in short, like the heath of +mingled colors. Her body had the freshness we admire in the unfolding +leaf; her spirit the clear conciseness of the aboriginal mind; she was a +child by feeling, grave through suffering, the mistress of a household, +yet a maiden too. Therefore she charmed artlessly and unconsciously, +by her way of sitting down or rising, of throwing in a word or keeping +silence. Though habitually collected, watchful as the sentinel on +whom the safety of others depends and who looks for danger, there were +moments when smiles would wreathe her lips and betray the happy nature +buried beneath the saddened bearing that was the outcome of her life. +Her gift of attraction was mysterious. Instead of inspiring the gallant +attentions which other women seek, she made men dream, letting them see +her virginal nature of pure flame, her celestial visions, as we see the +azure heavens through rifts in the clouds. This involuntary revelation +of her being made others thoughtful. The rarity of her gestures, above +all, the rarity of her glances--for, excepting her children, she seldom +looked at any one--gave a strange solemnity to all she said and did when +her words or actions seemed to her to compromise her dignity. + +On this particular morning Madame de Mortsauf wore a rose-colored gown +patterned in tiny stripes, a collar with a wide hem, a black belt, and +little boots of the same hue. Her hair was simply twisted round her +head, and held in place by a tortoise-shell comb. Such, my dear Natalie, +is the imperfect sketch I promised you. But the constant emanation of +her soul upon her family, that nurturing essence shed in floods around +her as the sun emits its light, her inward nature, her cheerfulness on +days serene, her resignation on stormy ones,--all those variations of +expression by which character is displayed depend, like the effects +in the sky, on unexpected and fugitive circumstances, which have no +connection with each other except the background against which they +rest, though all are necessarily mingled with the events of this +history,--truly a household epic, as great to the eyes of a wise man as +a tragedy to the eyes of the crowd, an epic in which you will feel an +interest, not only for the part I took in it, but for the likeness that +it bears to the destinies of so vast a number of women. + +Everything at Clochegourde bore signs of a truly English cleanliness. +The room in which the countess received us was panelled throughout and +painted in two shades of gray. The mantelpiece was ornamented with a +clock inserted in a block of mahogany and surmounted with a tazza, and +two large vases of white porcelain with gold lines, which held bunches +of Cape heather. A lamp was on a pier-table, and a backgammon board on +legs before the fireplace. Two wide bands of cotton held back the white +cambric curtains, which had no fringe. The furniture was covered with +gray cotton bound with a green braid, and the tapestry on the countess's +frame told why the upholstery was thus covered. Such simplicity rose to +grandeur. No apartment, among all that I have seen since, has given me +such fertile, such teeming impressions as those that filled my mind +in that salon of Clochegourde, calm and composed as the life of its +mistress, where the conventual regularity of her occupations made itself +felt. The greater part of my ideas in science or politics, even the +boldest of them, were born in that room, as perfumes emanate from +flowers; there grew the mysterious plant that cast upon my soul its +fructifying pollen; there glowed the solar warmth which developed my +good and shrivelled my evil qualities. Through the windows the eye took +in the valley from the heights of Pont-de-Ruan to the chateau d'Azay, +following the windings of the further shore, picturesquely varied by the +towers of Frapesle, the church, the village, and the old manor-house of +Sache, whose venerable pile looked down upon the meadows. + +In harmony with this reposeful life, and without other excitements to +emotion than those arising in the family, this scene conveyed to the +soul its own serenity. If I had met her there for the first time, +between the count and her two children, instead of seeing her +resplendent in a ball dress, I should not have ravished that delirious +kiss, which now filled me with remorse and with the fear of having lost +the future of my love. No; in the gloom of my unhappy life I should have +bent my knee and kissed the hem of her garment, wetting it with tears, +and then I might have flung myself into the Indre. But having breathed +the jasmine perfume of her skin and drunk the milk of that cup of love, +my soul had acquired the knowledge and the hope of human joys; I would +live and await the coming of happiness as the savage awaits his hour of +vengeance; I longed to climb those trees, to creep among the vines, to +float in the river; I wanted the companionship of night and its silence, +I needed lassitude of body, I craved the heat of the sun to make the +eating of the delicious apple into which I had bitten perfect. Had she +asked of me the singing flower, the riches buried by the comrades of +Morgan the destroyer, I would have sought them, to obtain those other +riches and that mute flower for which I longed. + +When my dream, the dream into which this first contemplation of my +idol plunged me, came to an end and I heard her speaking of Monsieur de +Mortsauf, the thought came that a woman must belong to her husband, and +a raging curiosity possessed me to see the owner of this treasure. Two +emotions filled my mind, hatred and fear,--hatred which allowed of no +obstacles and measured all without shrinking, and a vague, but real fear +of the struggle, of its issue, and above all of _her_. + +"Here is Monsieur de Mortsauf," she said. + +I sprang to my feet like a startled horse. Though the movement was seen +by Monsieur de Chessel and the countess, neither made any observation, +for a diversion was effected at this moment by the entrance of a little +girl, whom I took to be about six years old, who came in exclaiming, +"Here's papa!" + +"Madeleine?" said her mother, gently. + +The child at once held out her hand to Monsieur de Chessel, and looked +attentively at me after making a little bow with an air of astonishment. + +"Are you more satisfied about her health?" asked Monsieur de Chessel. + +"She is better," replied the countess, caressing the little head which +was already nestling in her lap. + +The next question of Monsieur de Chessel let me know that Madeleine +was nine years old; I showed great surprise, and immediately the clouds +gathered on the mother's brow. My companion threw me a significant +look,--one of those which form the education of men of the world. I had +stumbled no doubt upon some maternal wound the covering of which should +have been respected. The sickly child, whose eyes were pallid and +whose skin was white as a porcelain vase with a light within it, would +probably not have lived in the atmosphere of a city. Country air and her +mother's brooding care had kept the life in that frail body, delicate +as a hot-house plant growing in a harsh and foreign climate. Though in +nothing did she remind me of her mother, Madeleine seemed to have her +soul, and that soul held her up. Her hair was scanty and black, her eyes +and cheeks hollow, her arms thin, her chest narrow, showing a battle +between life and death, a duel without truce in which the mother had +so far been victorious. The child willed to live,--perhaps to spare her +mother, for at times, when not observed, she fell into the attitude of +a weeping-willow. You might have thought her a little gypsy dying of +hunger, begging her way, exhausted but always brave and dressed up to +play her part. + +"Where have you left Jacques?" asked the countess, kissing the white +line which parted the child's hair into two bands that looked like a +crow's wings. + +"He is coming with papa." + +Just then the count entered, holding his son by the hand. Jacques, the +image of his sister, showed the same signs of weakness. Seeing these +sickly children beside a mother so magnificently healthy it was +impossible not to guess at the causes of the grief which clouded her +brow and kept her silent on a subject she could take to God only. As +he bowed, Monsieur de Mortsauf gave me a glance that was less observing +than awkwardly uneasy,--the glance of a man whose distrust grows out +of his inability to analyze. After explaining the circumstances of our +visit, and naming me to him, the countess gave him her place and left +the room. The children, whose eyes were on those of their mother as if +they drew the light of theirs from hers, tried to follow her; but she +said, with a finger on her lips, "Stay dears!" and they obeyed, but +their eyes filled. Ah! to hear that one word "dears" what tasks they +would have undertaken! + +Like the children, I felt less warm when she had left us. My name seemed +to change the count's feeling toward me. Cold and supercilious in his +first glance, he became at once, if not affectionate, at least politely +attentive, showing me every consideration and seeming pleased to receive +me as a guest. My father had formerly done devoted service to the +Bourbons, and had played an important and perilous, though secret part. +When their cause was lost by the elevation of Napoleon, he took +refuge in the quietude of the country and domestic life, accepting the +unmerited accusations that followed him as the inevitable reward of +those who risk all to win all, and who succumb after serving as pivot to +the political machine. Knowing nothing of the fortunes, nor of the past, +nor of the future of my family, I was unaware of this devoted service +which the Comte de Mortsauf well remembered. Moreover, the antiquity of +our name, the most precious quality of a man in his eyes, added to the +warmth of his greeting. I knew nothing of these reasons until later; for +the time being the sudden transition to cordiality put me at my ease. +When the two children saw that we were all three fairly engaged in +conversation, Madeleine slipped her head from her father's hand, glanced +at the open door, and glided away like an eel, Jacques following +her. They rejoined their mother, and I heard their voices and their +movements, sounding in the distance like the murmur of bees about a +hive. + +I watched the count, trying to guess his character, but I became so +interested in certain leading traits that I got no further than +a superficial examination of his personality. Though he was only +forty-five years old, he seemed nearer sixty, so much had the great +shipwreck at the close of the eighteenth century aged him. The crescent +of hair which monastically fringed the back of his head, otherwise +completely bald, ended at the ears in little tufts of gray mingled with +black. His face bore a vague resemblance to that of a white wolf with +blood about its muzzle, for his nose was inflamed and gave signs of a +life poisoned at its springs and vitiated by diseases of long standing. +His flat forehead, too broad for the face beneath it, which ended in a +point, and transversely wrinkled in crooked lines, gave signs of a life +in the open air, but not of any mental activity; it also showed the +burden of constant misfortunes, but not of any efforts made to surmount +them. His cheekbones, which were brown and prominent amid the general +pallor of his skin, showed a physical structure which was likely to +ensure him a long life. His hard, light-yellow eye fell upon mine like +a ray of wintry sun, bright without warmth, anxious without thought, +distrustful without conscious cause. His mouth was violent and +domineering, his chin flat and long. Thin and very tall, he had the +bearing of a gentleman who relies upon the conventional value of his +caste, who knows himself above others by right, and beneath them in +fact. The carelessness of country life had made him neglect his external +appearance. His dress was that of a country-man whom peasants and +neighbors no longer considered except for his territorial worth. His +brown and wiry hands showed that he wore no gloves unless he mounted a +horse, or went to church, and his shoes were thick and common. + +Though ten years of emigration and ten years more of farm-life had +changed his physical condition, he still retained certain vestiges of +nobility. The bitterest liberal (a term not then in circulation) +would readily have admitted his chivalric loyalty and the imperishable +convictions of one who puts his faith to the "Quotidienne"; he would +have felt respect for the man religiously devoted to a cause, honest +in his political antipathies, incapable of serving his party but very +capable of injuring it, and without the slightest real knowledge of the +affairs of France. The count was in fact one of those upright men who +are available for nothing, but stand obstinately in the way of all; +ready to die under arms at the post assigned to them, but preferring to +give their life rather than to give their money. + +During dinner I detected, in the hanging of his flaccid cheeks and the +covert glances he cast now and then upon his children, the traces +of some wearing thought which showed for a moment upon the surface. +Watching him, who could fail to understand him? Who would not have seen +that he had fatally transmitted to his children those weakly bodies in +which the principle of life was lacking. But if he blamed himself he +denied to others the right to judge him. Harsh as one who knows himself +in fault, yet without greatness of soul or charm to compensate for the +weight of misery he had thrown into the balance, his private life was +no doubt the scene of irascibilities that were plainly revealed in his +angular features and by the incessant restlessness of his eye. When his +wife returned, followed by the children who seemed fastened to her side, +I felt the presence of unhappiness, just as in walking over the roof +of a vault the feet become in some way conscious of the depths below. +Seeing these four human beings together, holding them all as it were in +one glance, letting my eye pass from one to the other, studying their +countenances and their respective attitudes, thoughts steeped in sadness +fell upon my heart as a fine gray rain dims a charming landscape after +the sun has risen clear. + +When the immediate subject of conversation was exhausted the count told +his wife who I was, and related certain circumstances connected with my +family that were wholly unknown to me. He asked me my age. When I told +it, the countess echoed my own exclamation of surprise at her daughter's +age. Perhaps she had thought me fifteen. Later on, I discovered that +this was still another tie which bound her strongly to me. Even then I +read her soul. Her motherhood quivered with a tardy ray of hope. +Seeing me at over twenty years of age so slight and delicate and yet so +nervously strong, a voice cried to her, "They too will live!" She looked +at me searchingly, and in that moment I felt the barriers of ice melting +between us. She seemed to have many questions to ask, but uttered none. + +"If study has made you ill," she said, "the air of our valley will soon +restore you." + +"Modern education is fatal to children," remarked the count. "We stuff +them with mathematics and ruin their health with sciences, and make them +old before their time. You must stay and rest here," he added, turning +to me. "You are crushed by the avalanche of ideas that have rolled down +upon you. What sort of future will this universal education bring upon +us unless we prevent its evils by replacing public education in the +hands of the religious bodies?" + +These words were in harmony with a speech he afterwards made at the +elections when he refused his support to a man whose gifts would have +done good service to the royalist cause. "I shall always distrust men of +talent," he said. + +Presently the count proposed that we should make the tour of the +gardens. + +"Monsieur--" said his wife. + +"Well, what, my dear?" he said, turning to her with an arrogant +harshness which showed plainly enough how absolute he chose to be in his +own home. + +"Monsieur de Vandenesse walked from Tours this morning and Monsieur de +Chessel, not aware of it, has already taken him on foot over Frapesle." + +"Very imprudent of you," the count said, turning to me; "but at your +age--" and he shook his head in sign of regret. + +The conversation was resumed. I soon saw how intractable his royalism +was, and how much care was needed to swim safely in his waters. The +man-servant, who had now put on his livery, announced dinner. Monsieur +de Chessel gave his arm to Madame de Mortsauf, and the count gaily +seized mine to lead me into the dining-room, which was on the +ground-floor facing the salon. + +This room, floored with white tiles made in Touraine, and wainscoted to +the height of three feet, was hung with a varnished paper divided into +wide panels by wreaths of flowers and fruit; the windows had cambric +curtains trimmed with red, the buffets were old pieces by Boulle +himself, and the woodwork of the chairs, which were covered by hand-made +tapestry, was carved oak. The dinner, plentifully supplied, was not +luxurious; family silver without uniformity, Dresden china which was +not then in fashion, octagonal decanters, knives with agate handles, and +lacquered trays beneath the wine-bottles, were the chief features of the +table, but flowers adorned the porcelain vases and overhung the gilding +of their fluted edges. I delighted in these quaint old things. I thought +the Reveillon paper with its flowery garlands beautiful. The sweet +content that filled my sails hindered me from perceiving the obstacles +which a life so uniform, so unvarying in solitude of the country placed +between her and me. I was near her, sitting at her right hand, serving +her with wine. Yes, unhoped-for joy! I touched her dress, I ate her +bread. At the end of three hours my life had mingled with her life! That +terrible kiss had bound us to each other in a secret which inspired us +with mutual shame. A glorious self-abasement took possession of me. I +studied to please the count, I fondled the dogs, I would gladly have +gratified every desire of the children, I would have brought them hoops +and marbles and played horse with them; I was even provoked that +they did not already fasten upon me as a thing of their own. Love has +intuitions like those of genius; and I dimly perceived that gloom, +discontent, hostility would destroy my footing in that household. + +The dinner passed with inward happiness on my part. Feeling that I was +there, under her roof, I gave no heed to her obvious coldness, nor to +the count's indifference masked by his politeness. Love, like life, +has an adolescence during which period it suffices unto itself. I made +several stupid replies induced by the tumults of passion, but no one +perceived their cause, not even SHE, who knew nothing of love. The rest +of my visit was a dream, a dream which did not cease until by moonlight +on that warm and balmy night I recrossed the Indre, watching the white +visions that embellished meadows, shores, and hills, and listening to +the clear song, the matchless note, full of deep melancholy and uttered +only in still weather, of a tree-frog whose scientific name is unknown +to me. Since that solemn evening I have never heard it without infinite +delight. A sense came to me then of the marble wall against which +my feelings had hitherto dashed themselves. Would it be always so? I +fancied myself under some fatal spell; the unhappy events of my past +life rose up and struggled with the purely personal pleasure I had just +enjoyed. Before reaching Frapesle I turned to look at Clochegourde +and saw beneath its windows a little boat, called in Touraine a punt, +fastened to an ash-tree and swaying on the water. This punt belonged to +Monsieur de Mortsauf, who used it for fishing. + +"Well," said Monsieur de Chessel, when we were out of ear-shot. "I +needn't ask if you found those shoulders; I must, however, congratulate +you on the reception Monsieur de Mortsauf gave you. The devil! you +stepped into his heart at once." + +These words followed by those I have already quoted to you raised my +spirits. I had not as yet said a word, and Monsieur de Chessel may have +attributed my silence to happiness. + +"How do you mean?" I asked. + +"He never, to my knowledge, received any one so well." + +"I will admit that I am rather surprised myself," I said, conscious of a +certain bitterness underlying my companion's speech. + +Though I was too inexpert in social matters to understand its cause, I +was much struck by the feeling Monsieur de Chessel betrayed. His real +name was Durand, but he had had the weakness to discard the name of +a worthy father, a merchant who had made a large fortune under +the Revolution. His wife was sole heiress of the Chessels, an old +parliamentary family under Henry IV., belonging to the middle classes, +as did most of the Parisian magistrates. Ambitious of higher flights +Monsieur de Chessel endeavored to smother the original Durand. He first +called himself Durand de Chessel, then D. de Chessel, and that made him +Monsieur de Chessel. Under the Restoration he entailed an estate with +the title of count in virtue of letters-patent from Louis XVIII. His +children reaped the fruits of his audacity without knowing what it cost +him in sarcastic comments. Parvenus are like monkeys, whose cleverness +they possess; we watch them climbing, we admire their agility, but +once at the summit we see only their absurd and contemptible parts. The +reverse side of my host's character was made up of pettiness with the +addition of envy. The peerage and he were on diverging lines. To have an +ambition and gratify it shows merely the insolence of strength, but to +live below one's avowed ambition is a constant source of ridicule +to petty minds. Monsieur de Chessel did not advance with the +straightforward step of a strong man. Twice elected deputy, twice +defeated; yesterday director-general, to-day nothing at all, not even +prefect, his successes and his defeats had injured his nature, and given +him the sourness of invalided ambition. Though a brave man and a witty +one and capable of great things, envy, which is the root of existence +in Touraine, the inhabitants of which employ their native genius in +jealousy of all things, injured him in upper social circles, where a +dissatisfied man, frowning at the success of others, slow at compliments +and ready at epigram, seldom succeeds. Had he sought less he might +perhaps have obtained more; but unhappily he had enough genuine +superiority to make him wish to advance in his own way. + +At this particular time Monsieur de Chessel's ambition had a second +dawn. Royalty smiled upon him, and he was now affecting the grand +manner. Still he was, I must say, most kind to me, and he pleased me for +the very simple reason that with him I had found peace and rest for the +first time. The interest, possibly very slight, which he showed in +my affairs, seemed to me, lonely and rejected as I was, an image of +paternal love. His hospitable care contrasted so strongly with the +neglect to which I was accustomed, that I felt a childlike gratitude +to the home where no fetters bound me and where I was welcomed and even +courted. + +The owners of Frapesle are so associated with the dawn of my life's +happiness that I mingle them in all those memories I love to revive. +Later, and more especially in connection with his letters-patent, I had +the pleasure of doing my host some service. Monsieur de Chessel enjoyed +his wealth with an ostentation that gave umbrage to certain of his +neighbors. He was able to vary and renew his fine horses and elegant +equipages; his wife dressed exquisitely; he received on a grand scale; +his servants were more numerous than his neighbors approved; for all of +which he was said to be aping princes. The Frapesle estate is immense. +Before such luxury as this the Comte de Mortsauf, with one family +cariole,--which in Touraine is something between a coach without springs +and a post-chaise,--forced by limited means to let or farm Clochegourde, +was Tourangean up to the time when royal favor restored the family to a +distinction possibly unlooked for. His greeting to me, the younger son +of a ruined family whose escutcheon dated back to the Crusades, was +intended to show contempt for the large fortune and to belittle the +possessions, the woods, the arable lands, the meadows, of a neighbor who +was not of noble birth. Monsieur de Chessel fully understood this. They +always met politely; but there was none of that daily intercourse or +that agreeable intimacy which ought to have existed between Clochegourde +and Frapesle, two estates separated only by the Indre, and whose +mistresses could have beckoned to each other from their windows. + +Jealousy, however, was not the sole reason for the solitude in which the +Count de Mortsauf lived. His early education was that of the children +of great families,--an incomplete and superficial instruction as to +knowledge, but supplemented by the training of society, the habits of a +court life, and the exercise of important duties under the crown or in +eminent offices. Monsieur de Mortsauf had emigrated at the very +moment when the second stage of his education was about to begin, and +accordingly that training was lacking to him. He was one of those +who believed in the immediate restoration of the monarchy; with that +conviction in his mind, his exile was a long and miserable period of +idleness. When the army of Conde, which his courage led him to join with +the utmost devotion, was disbanded, he expected to find some other post +under the white flag, and never sought, like other emigrants, to take up +an industry. Perhaps he had not the sort of courage that could lay aside +his name and earn his living in the sweat of a toil he despised. His +hopes, daily postponed to the morrow, and possibly a scruple of honor, +kept him from offering his services to foreign powers. Trials undermined +his courage. Long tramps afoot on insufficient nourishment, and above +all, on hopes betrayed, injured his health and discouraged his mind. By +degrees he became utterly destitute. If to some men misery is a tonic, +on others it acts as a dissolvent; and the count was of the latter. + +Reflecting on the life of this poor Touraine gentleman, tramping and +sleeping along the highroads of Hungary, sharing the mutton of Prince +Esterhazy's shepherds, from whom the foot-worn traveller begged the food +he would not, as a gentleman, have accepted at the table of the master, +and refusing again and again to do service to the enemies of France, I +never found it in my heart to feel bitterness against him, even when I +saw him at his worst in after days. The natural gaiety of a Frenchman +and a Tourangean soon deserted him; he became morose, fell ill, and +was charitably cared for in some German hospital. His disease was an +inflammation of the mesenteric membrane, which is often fatal, and +is liable, even if cured, to change the constitution and produce +hypochondria. His love affairs, carefully buried out of sight and which +I alone discovered, were low-lived, and not only destroyed his health +but ruined his future. + +After twelve years of great misery he made his way to France, under the +decree of the Emperor which permitted the return of the emigrants. As +the wretched wayfarer crossed the Rhine and saw the tower of Strasburg +against the evening sky, his strength gave way. "'France! France!' I +cried. 'I see France!'" (he said to me) "as a child cries 'Mother!' when +it is hurt." Born to wealth, he was now poor; made to command a regiment +or govern a province, he was now without authority and without a future; +constitutionally healthy and robust, he returned infirm and utterly worn +out. Without enough education to take part among men and affairs, now +broadened and enlarged by the march of events, necessarily without +influence of any kind, he lived despoiled of everything, of his moral +strength as well as his physical. Want of money made his name a burden. +His unalterable opinions, his antecedents with the army of Conde, his +trials, his recollections, his wasted health, gave him susceptibilities +which are but little spared in France, that land of jest and sarcasm. +Half dead he reached Maine, where, by some accident of the civil war, +the revolutionary government had forgotten to sell one of his farms of +considerable extent, which his farmer had held for him by giving out +that he himself was the owner of it. + +When the Lenoncourt family, living at Givry, an estate not far from +this farm, heard of the arrival of the Comte de Mortsauf, the Duc de +Lenoncourt invited him to stay at Givry while a house was being prepared +for him. The Lenoncourt family were nobly generous to him, and with them +he remained some months, struggling to hide his sufferings during that +first period of rest. The Lenoncourts had themselves lost an immense +property. By birth Monsieur de Mortsauf was a suitable husband for their +daughter. Mademoiselle de Lenoncourt, instead of rejecting a marriage +with a feeble and worn-out man of thirty-five, seemed satisfied to +accept it. It gave her the opportunity of living with her aunt, the +Duchesse de Verneuil, sister of the Prince de Blamont-Chauvry, who was +like a mother to her. + +Madame de Verneuil, the intimate friend of the Duchesse de Bourbon, was +a member of the devout society of which Monsieur Saint-Martin (born +in Touraine and called the Philosopher of Mystery) was the soul. The +disciples of this philosopher practised the virtues taught them by the +lofty doctrines of mystical illumination. These doctrines hold the key +to worlds divine; they explain existence by reincarnations through which +the human spirit rises to its sublime destiny; they liberate duty from +its legal degradation, enable the soul to meet the trials of life +with the unalterable serenity of the Quaker, ordain contempt for the +sufferings of this life, and inspire a fostering care of that angel +within us who allies us to the divine. It is stoicism with an immortal +future. Active prayer and pure love are the elements of this faith, +which is born of the Roman Church but returns to the Christianity of the +primitive faith. Mademoiselle de Lenoncourt remained, however, in the +Catholic communion, to which her aunt was equally bound. Cruelly tried +by revolutionary horrors, the Duchesse de Verneuil acquired in the +last years of her life a halo of passionate piety, which, to use the +phraseology of Saint-Martin, shed the light of celestial love and the +chrism of inward joy upon the soul of her cherished niece. + +After the death of her aunt, Madame de Mortsauf received several visits +at Clochegourde from Saint-Martin, a man of peace and of virtuous +wisdom. It was at Clochegourde that he corrected his last books, printed +at Tours by Letourmy. Madame de Verneuil, wise with the wisdom of an old +woman who has known the stormy straits of life, gave Clochegourde to +the young wife for her married home; and with the grace of old age, so +perfect where it exists, the duchess yielded everything to her niece, +reserving for herself only one room above the one she had always +occupied, and which she now fitted up for the countess. Her sudden +death threw a gloom over the early days of the marriage, and connected +Clochegourde with ideas of sadness in the sensitive mind of the +bride. The first period of her settlement in Touraine was to Madame de +Mortsauf, I cannot say the happiest, but the least troubled of her life. + +After the many trials of his exile, Monsieur de Mortsauf, taking comfort +in the thought of a secure future, had a certain recovery of mind; he +breathed anew in this sweet valley the intoxicating essence of revived +hope. Compelled to husband his means, he threw himself into agricultural +pursuits and began to find some happiness in life. But the birth of his +first child, Jacques, was a thunderbolt which ruined both the past and +the future. The doctor declared the child had not vitality enough to +live. The count concealed this sentence from the mother; but he sought +other advice, and received the same fatal answer, the truth of which +was confirmed at the subsequent birth of Madeleine. These events and a +certain inward consciousness of the cause of this disaster increased the +diseased tendencies of the man himself. His name doomed to extinction, a +pure and irreproachable young woman made miserable beside him and doomed +to the anguish of maternity without its joys--this uprising of his +former into his present life, with its growth of new sufferings, crushed +his spirit and completed its destruction. + +The countess guessed the past from the present, and read the future. +Though nothing is so difficult as to make a man happy when he knows +himself to blame, she set herself to that task, which is worthy of an +angel. She became stoical. Descending into an abyss, whence she still +could see the sky, she devoted herself to the care of one man as +the sister of charity devotes herself to many. To reconcile him with +himself, she forgave him that for which he had no forgiveness. The count +grew miserly; she accepted the privations he imposed. Like all who have +known the world only to acquire its suspiciousness, he feared betrayal; +she lived in solitude and yielded without a murmur to his mistrust. With +a woman's tact she made him will to do that which was right, till he +fancied the ideas were his own, and thus enjoyed in his own person the +honors of a superiority that was never his. After due experience of +married life, she came to the resolution of never leaving Clochegourde; +for she saw the hysterical tendencies of the count's nature, and feared +the outbreaks which might be talked of in that gossipping and jealous +neighborhood to the injury of her children. Thus, thanks to her, no one +suspected Monsieur de Mortsauf's real incapacity, for she wrapped +his ruins in a mantle of ivy. The fickle, not merely discontented but +embittered nature of the man found rest and ease in his wife; his secret +anguish was lessened by the balm she shed upon it. + +This brief history is in part a summary of that forced from Monsieur de +Chessel by his inward vexation. His knowledge of the world enabled +him to penetrate several of the mysteries of Clochegourde. But the +prescience of love could not be misled by the sublime attitude with +which Madame de Mortsauf deceived the world. When alone in my little +bedroom, a sense of the full truth made me spring from my bed; I +could not bear to stay at Frapesle when I saw the lighted windows of +Clochegourde. I dressed, went softly down, and left the chateau by the +door of a tower at the foot of a winding stairway. The coolness of the +night calmed me. I crossed the Indre by the bridge at the Red Mill, +took the ever-blessed punt, and rowed in front of Clochegourde, where a +brilliant light was streaming from a window looking towards Azay. + +Again I plunged into my old meditations; but they were now peaceful, +intermingled with the love-note of the nightingale and the solitary cry +of the sedge-warbler. Ideas glided like fairies through my mind, lifting +the black veil which had hidden till then the glorious future. Soul and +senses were alike charmed. With what passion my thoughts rose to her! +Again and again I cried, with the repetition of a madman, "Will she be +mine?" During the preceding days the universe had enlarged to me, but +now in a single night I found its centre. On her my will and my ambition +henceforth fastened; I desired to be all in all to her, that I might +heal and fill her lacerated heart. + +Beautiful was that night beneath her windows, amid the murmur of waters +rippling through the sluices, broken only by a voice that told the hours +from the clock-tower of Sache. During those hours of darkness bathed in +light, when this sidereal flower illumined my existence, I betrothed to +her my soul with the faith of the poor Castilian knight whom we laugh at +in the pages of Cervantes,--a faith, nevertheless, with which all love +begins. + +At the first gleam of day, the first note of the waking birds, I fled +back among the trees of Frapesle and reached the house; no one had seen +me, no one suspected by absence, and I slept soundly until the bell rang +for breakfast. When the meal was over I went down, in spite of the heat, +to the meadow-lands for another sight of the Indre and its isles, the +valley and its slopes, of which I seemed so passionate an admirer. But +once there, thanks to a swiftness of foot like that of a loose horse, I +returned to my punt, the willows, and Clochegourde. All was silent and +palpitating, as a landscape is at midday in summer. The still foliage +lay sharply defined on the blue of the sky; the insects that live by +light, the dragon-flies, the cantharides, were flying among the reeds +and the ash-trees; cattle chewed the cud in the shade, the ruddy earth +of the vineyards glowed, the adders glided up and down the banks. What a +change in the sparkling and coquettish landscape while I slept! I sprang +suddenly from the boat and ran up the road which went round Clochegourde +for I fancied that I saw the count coming out. I was not mistaken; he +was walking beside the hedge, evidently making for a gate on the road to +Azay which followed the bank of the river. + +"How are you this morning, Monsieur le comte?" + +He looked at me pleasantly, not being used to hear himself thus +addressed. + +"Quite well," he answered. "You must love the country, to be rambling +about in this heat!" + +"I was sent here to live in the open air." + +"Then what do you say to coming with me to see them cut my rye?" + +"Gladly," I replied. "I'll own to you that my ignorance is past belief; +I don't know rye from wheat, nor a poplar from an aspen; I know nothing +of farming, nor of the various methods of cultivating the soil." + +"Well, come and learn," he cried gaily, returning upon his steps. "Come +in by the little gate above." + +The count walked back along the hedge, he being within it and I without. + +"You will learn nothing from Monsieur de Chessel," he remarked; "he is +altogether too fine a gentleman to do more than receive the reports of +his bailiff." + +The count then showed me his yards and the farm buildings, the +pleasure-grounds, orchards, vineyards, and kitchen garden, until we +finally came to the long alley of acacias and ailanthus beside the +river, at the end of which I saw Madame de Mortsauf sitting on a bench, +with her children. A woman is very lovely under the light and quivering +shade of such foliage. Surprised, perhaps, at my prompt visit, she did +not move, knowing very well that we should go to her. The count made me +admire the view of the valley, which at this point is totally different +from that seen from the heights above. Here I might have thought myself +in a corner of Switzerland. The meadows, furrowed with little brooks +which flow into the Indre, can be seen to their full extent till lost in +the misty distance. Towards Montbazon the eye ranges over a vast green +plain; in all other directions it is stopped by hills, by masses of +trees, and rocks. We quickened our steps as we approached Madame de +Mortsauf, who suddenly dropped the book in which Madeleine was reading +to her and took Jacques upon her knees, in the paroxysms of a violent +cough. + +"What's the matter?" cried the count, turning livid. + +"A sore throat," answered the mother, who seemed not to see me; "but it +is nothing serious." + +She was holding the child by the head and body, and her eyes seemed to +shed two rays of life into the poor frail creature. + +"You are so extraordinarily imprudent," said the count, sharply; "you +expose him to the river damps and let him sit on a stone bench." + +"Why, papa, the stone is burning hot," cried Madeleine. + +"They were suffocating higher up," said the countess. + +"Women always want to prove they are right," said the count, turning to +me. + +To avoid agreeing or disagreeing with him by word or look I watched +Jacques, who complained of his throat. His mother carried him away, but +as she did so she heard her husband say:-- + +"When they have brought such sickly children into the world they ought +to learn how to take care of them." + +Words that were cruelly unjust; but his self-love drove him to defend +himself at the expense of his wife. The countess hurried up the steps +and across the portico, and I saw her disappear through the glass door. +Monsieur de Mortsauf seated himself on the bench, his head bowed in +gloomy silence. My position became annoying; he neither spoke nor looked +at me. Farewell to the walk he had proposed, in the course of which I +had hoped to fathom him. I hardly remember a more unpleasant moment. +Ought I to go away, or should I not go? How many painful thoughts must +have arisen in his mind, to make him forget to follow Jacques and learn +how he was! At last however he rose abruptly and came towards me. We +both turned and looked at the smiling valley. + +"We will put off our walk to another day, Monsieur le comte," I said +gently. + +"No, let us go," he replied. "Unfortunately, I am accustomed to such +scenes--I, who would give my life without the slightest regret to save +that of the child." + +"Jacques is better, my dear; he has gone to sleep," said a golden voice. +Madame de Mortsauf suddenly appeared at the end of the path. She came +forward, without bitterness or ill-will, and bowed to me. + +"I am glad to see that you like Clochegourde," she said. + +"My dear, should you like me to ride over and fetch Monsieur Deslandes?" +said the count, as if wishing her to forgive his injustice. + +"Don't be worried," she said. "Jacques did not sleep last night, that's +all. The child is very nervous; he had a bad dream, and I told him +stories all night to keep him quiet. His cough is purely nervous; I have +stilled it with a lozenge, and he has gone to sleep." + +"Poor woman!" said her husband, taking her hand in his and giving her a +tearful look, "I knew nothing of it." + +"Why should you be troubled when there is no occasion?" she replied. +"Now go and attend to the rye. You know if you are not there the men +will let the gleaners of the other villages get into the field before +the sheaves are carried away." + +"I am going to take a first lesson in agriculture, madame," I said to +her. + +"You have a very good master," she replied, motioning towards the count, +whose mouth screwed itself into that smile of satisfaction which is +vulgarly termed a "bouche en coeur." + +Two months later I learned she had passed that night in great anxiety, +fearing that her son had the croup; while I was in the boat, rocked by +thoughts of love, imagined that she might see me from her window adoring +the gleam of the candle which was then lighting a forehead furrowed by +fears! The croup prevailed at Tours, and was often fatal. When we were +outside the gate, the count said in a voice of emotion, "Madame de +Mortsauf is an angel!" The words staggered me. As yet I knew but little +of the family, and the natural conscience of a young soul made me +exclaim inwardly: "What right have I to trouble this perfect peace?" + +Glad to find a listener in a young man over whom he could lord it so +easily, the count talked to me of the future which the return of the +Bourbons would secure to France. We had a desultory conversation, in +which I listened to much childish nonsense which positively amazed +me. He was ignorant of facts susceptible of proof that might be called +geometric; he feared persons of education; he rejected superiority, +and scoffed, perhaps with some reason, at progress. I discovered in his +nature a number of sensitive fibres which it required the utmost caution +not to wound; so that a conversation with him of any length was a +positive strain upon the mind. When I had, as it were, felt of his +defects, I conformed to them with the same suppleness that his wife +showed in soothing him. Later in life I should certainly have made him +angry, but now, humble as a child, supposing that I knew nothing and +believing that men in their prime knew all, I was genuinely amazed at +the results obtained at Clochegourde by this patient agriculturist. I +listened admiringly to his plans; and with an involuntary flattery +which won his good-will, I envied him the estate and its outlook--a +terrestrial paradise, I called it, far superior to Frapesle. + +"Frapesle," I said, "is a massive piece of plate, but Clochegourde is a +jewel-case of gems,"--a speech which he often quoted, giving credit to +its author. + +"Before we came here," he said, "it was desolation itself." + +I was all ears when he told of his seed-fields and nurseries. New to +country life, I besieged him with questions about prices, means of +preparing and working the soil, etc., and he seemed glad to answer all +in detail. + +"What in the world do they teach you in your colleges?" he exclaimed at +last in astonishment. + +On this first day the count said to his wife when he reached home, +"Monsieur Felix is a charming young man." + +That evening I wrote to my mother and asked her to send my clothes and +linen, saying that I should remain at Frapesle. Ignorant of the great +revolution which was just taking place, and not perceiving the influence +it was to have upon my fate, I expected to return to Paris to resume +my legal studies. The Law School did not open till the first week in +November; meantime I had two months and a half before me. + +The first part of my stay, while I studied to understand the count, +was a period of painful impressions to me. I found him a man of extreme +irascibility without adequate cause; hasty in action in hazardous cases +to a degree that alarmed me. Sometimes he showed glimpses of the brave +gentleman of Conde's army, parabolic flashes of will such as may, in +times of emergency, tear through politics like bomb-shells, and may +also, by virtue of honesty and courage, make a man condemned to live +buried on his property an Elbee, a Bonchamp, or a Charette. In presence +of certain ideas his nostril contracted, his forehead cleared, and his +eyes shot lightnings, which were soon quenched. Sometimes I feared he +might detect the language of my eyes and kill me. I was young then +and merely tender. Will, that force that alters men so strangely, +had scarcely dawned within me. My passionate desires shook me with an +emotion that was like the throes of fear. Death I feared not, but I +would not die until I knew the happiness of mutual love--But how tell +of what I felt! I was a prey to perplexity; I hoped for some fortunate +chance; I watched; I made the children love me; I tried to identify +myself with the family. + +Little by little the count restrained himself less in my presence. I +came to know his sudden outbreaks of temper, his deep and ceaseless +melancholy, his flashes of brutality, his bitter, cutting complaints, +his cold hatreds, his impulses of latent madness, his childish moans, +his cries of a man's despair, his unexpected fury. The moral nature +differs from the physical nature inasmuch as nothing is absolute in it. +The force of effects is in direct proportion to the characters or the +ideas which are grouped around some fact. My position at Clochegourde, +my future life, depended on this one eccentric will. + +I cannot describe to you the distress that filled my soul (as quick in +those days to expand as to contract), whenever I entered Clochegourde, +and asked myself, "How will he receive me?" With what anxiety of heart +I saw the clouds collecting on that stormy brow. I lived in a perpetual +"qui-vive." I fell under the dominion of that man; and the sufferings I +endured taught me to understand those of Madame de Mortsauf. We began +by exchanging looks of comprehension; tried by the same fire, how many +discoveries I made during those first forty days!--of actual bitterness, +of tacit joys, of hopes alternately submerged and buoyant. One evening I +found her pensively watching a sunset which reddened the summits with so +ravishing a glow that it was impossible not to listen to that voice of +the eternal Song of Songs by which Nature herself bids all her creatures +love. Did the lost illusions of her girlhood return to her? Did +the woman suffer from an inward comparison? I fancied I perceived a +desolation in her attitude that was favorable to my first appeal, and I +said, "Some days are hard to bear." + +"You read my soul," she answered; "but how have you done so?" + +"We touch at many points," I replied. "Surely we belong to the small +number of human beings born to the highest joys and the deepest sorrows; +whose feeling qualities vibrate in unison and echo each other inwardly; +whose sensitive natures are in harmony with the principle of things. +Put such beings among surroundings where all is discord and they suffer +horribly, just as their happiness mounts to exaltation when they meet +ideas, or feelings, or other beings who are congenial to them. But +there is still a third condition, where sorrows are known only to souls +affected by the same distress; in this alone is the highest fraternal +comprehension. It may happen that such souls find no outlet either +for good or evil. Then the organ within us endowed with expression and +motion is exercised in a void, expends its passion without an +object, utters sounds without melody, and cries that are lost in +solitude,--terrible defeat of a soul which revolts against the inutility +of nothingness. These are struggles in which our strength oozes away +without restraint, as blood from an inward wound. The sensibilities +flow to waste and the result is a horrible weakening of the soul; an +indescribable melancholy for which the confessional itself has no ears. +Have I not expressed our mutual sufferings?" + +She shuddered, and then without removing her eyes from the setting sun, +she said, "How is it that, young as you are, you know these things? Were +you once a woman?" + +"Ah!" I replied, "my childhood was like a long illness--" + +"I hear Madeleine coughing," she cried, leaving me abruptly. + +The countess showed no displeasure at my constant visits, and for two +reasons. In the first place she was pure as a child, and her thoughts +wandered into no forbidden regions; in the next I amused the count and +made a sop for that lion without claws or mane. I found an excuse for +my visits which seemed plausible to every one. Monsieur de Mortsauf +proposed to teach me backgammon, and I accepted; as I did so the +countess was betrayed into a look of compassion, which seemed to say, +"You are flinging yourself into the jaws of the lion." If I did not +understand this at the time, three days had not passed before I knew +what I had undertaken. My patience, which nothing exhausts, the fruit +of my miserable childhood, ripened under this last trial. The count +was delighted when he could jeer at me for not putting in practice the +principles or the rules he had explained; if I reflected before I played +he complained of my slowness; if I played fast he was angry because +I hurried him; if I forgot to mark my points he declared, making his +profit out of the mistake, that I was always too rapid. It was like +the tyranny of a schoolmaster, the despotism of the rod, of which I can +really give you no idea unless I compare myself to Epictetus under the +yoke of a malicious child. When we played for money his winnings gave +him the meanest and most abject delight. + +A word from his wife was enough to console me, and it frequently +recalled him to a sense of politeness and good-breeding. But before +long I fell into the furnace of an unexpected misery. My money was +disappearing under these losses. Though the count was always present +during my visits until I left the house, which was sometimes very late, +I cherished the hope of finding some moment when I might say a word +that would reach my idol's heart; but to obtain that moment, for which +I watched and waited with a hunter's painful patience, I was forced to +continue these weary games, during which my feelings were lacerated and +my money lost. Still, there were moments when we were silent, she and +I, looking at the sunlight on the meadows, the clouds in a gray sky, the +misty hills, or the quivering of the moon on the sandbanks of the river; +saying only, "Night is beautiful!" + +"Night is woman, madame." + +"What tranquillity!" + +"Yes, no one can be absolutely wretched here." + +Then she would return to her embroidery frame. I came at last to hear +the inward beatings of an affection which sought its object. But the +fact remained--without money, farewell to these evenings. I wrote to my +mother to send me some. She scolded me and sent only enough to last a +week. Where could I get more? My life depended on it. Thus it happened +that in the dawn of my first great happiness I found the same sufferings +that assailed me elsewhere; but in Paris, at college, at school I evaded +them by abstinence; there my privations were negative, at Frapesle they +were active; so active that I was possessed by the impulse to theft, by +visions of crime, furious desperations which rend the soul and must +be subdued under pain of losing our self-respect. The memory of what +I suffered through my mother's parsimony taught me that indulgence +for young men which one who has stood upon the brink of the abyss and +measured its depths, without falling into them, must inevitably feel. +Though my own rectitude was strengthened by those moments when life +opened and let me see the rocks and quicksands beneath the surface, I +have never known that terrible thing called human justice draw its blade +through the throat of a criminal without saying to myself: "Penal laws +are made by men who have never known misery." + +At this crisis I happened to find a treatise on backgammon in Monsieur +de Chessel's library, and I studied it. My host was kind enough to give +me a few lessons; less harshly taught by the count I made good progress +and applied the rules and calculations I knew by heart. Within a few +days I was able to beat Monsieur de Mortsauf; but no sooner had I +done so and won his money for the first time than his temper became +intolerable; his eyes glittered like those of tigers, his face +shrivelled, his brows knit as I never saw brows knit before or since. +His complainings were those of a fretful child. Sometimes he flung +down the dice, quivered with rage, bit the dice-box, and said insulting +things to me. Such violence, however, came to an end. When I had +acquired enough mastery of the game I played it to suit me; I so managed +that we were nearly equal up to the last moment; I allowed him to win +the first half and made matters even during the last half. The end of +the world would have surprised him less than the rapid superiority of +his pupil; but he never admitted it. The unvarying result of our games +was a topic of discourse on which he fastened. + +"My poor head," he would say, "is fatigued; you manage to win the last +of the game because by that time I lose my skill." + +The countess, who knew backgammon, understood my manoeuvres from the +first, and gave me those mute thanks which swell the heart of a young +man; she granted me the same look she gave to her children. From that +ever-blessed evening she always looked at me when she spoke. I cannot +explain to you the condition I was in when I left her. My soul had +annihilated my body; it weighed nothing; I did not walk, I flew. That +look I carried within me; it bathed me with light just as her last +words, "Adieu, monsieur," still sounded in my soul with the harmonies of +"O filii, o filioe" in the paschal choir. I was born into a new life, +I was something to her! I slept on purple and fine linen. Flames darted +before my closed eyelids, chasing each other in the darkness like +threads of fire in the ashes of burned paper. In my dreams her voice +became, though I cannot describe it, palpable, an atmosphere of light +and fragrance wrapping me, a melody enfolding my spirit. On the morrow +her greeting expressed the fulness of feelings that remained unuttered, +and from that moment I was initiated into the secrets of her voice. + +That day was to be one of the most decisive of my life. After dinner we +walked on the heights across a barren plain where no herbage grew; +the ground was stony, arid, and without vegetable soil of any kind; +nevertheless a few scrub oaks and thorny bushes straggled there, and in +place of grass, a carpet of crimped mosses, illuminated by the setting +sun and so dry that our feet slipped upon it. I held Madeleine by the +hand to keep her up. Madame de Mortsauf was leading Jacques. The count, +who was in front, suddenly turned round and striking the earth with his +cane said to me in a dreadful tone: "Such is my life!--but before I knew +you," he added with a look of penitence at his wife. The reparation +was tardy, for the countess had turned pale; what woman would not have +staggered as she did under the blow? + +"But what delightful scenes are wafted here, and what a view of the +sunset!" I cried. "For my part I should like to own this barren moor; I +fancy there may be treasures if we dig for them. But its greatest wealth +is that of being near you. Who would not pay a great cost for such a +view?--all harmony to the eye, with that winding river where the soul +may bathe among the ash-trees and the alders. See the difference +of taste! To you this spot of earth is a barren waste; to me, it is +paradise." + +She thanked me with a look. + +"Bucolics!" exclaimed the count, with a bitter look. "This is no life +for a man who bears your name." Then he suddenly changed his tone--"The +bells!" he cried, "don't you hear the bells of Azay? I hear them +ringing." + +Madame de Mortsauf gave me a frightened look. Madeleine clung to my +hand. + +"Suppose we play a game of backgammon?" I said. "Let us go back; the +rattle of the dice will drown the sound of the bells." + +We returned to Clochegourde, conversing by fits and starts. Once in the +salon an indefinable uncertainty and dread took possession of us. The +count flung himself into an armchair, absorbed in reverie, which his +wife, who knew the symptoms of his malady and could foresee an outbreak, +was careful not to interrupt. I also kept silence. As she gave me no +hint to leave, perhaps she thought backgammon might divert the count's +mind and quiet those fatal nervous susceptibilities, the excitements of +which were killing him. Nothing was ever harder than to make him play +that game, which, however, he had a great desire to play. Like a pretty +woman, he always required to be coaxed, entreated, forced, so that he +might not seem the obliged person. If by chance, being interested in the +conversation, I forgot to propose it, he grew sulky, bitter, insulting, +and spoiled the talk by contradicting everything. If, warned by his +ill-humor, I suggested a game, he would dally and demur. "In the first +place, it is too late," he would say; "besides, I don't care for it." +Then followed a series of affectations like those of women, which often +leave you in ignorance of their real wishes. + +On this occasion I pretended a wild gaiety to induce him to play. He +complained of giddiness which hindered him from calculating; his brain, +he said, was squeezed into a vice; he heard noises, he was choking; and +thereupon he sighed heavily. At last, however, he consented to the +game. Madame de Mortsauf left us to put the children to bed and lead the +household in family prayers. All went well during her absence; I allowed +Monsieur de Mortsauf to win, and his delight seemed to put him beside +himself. This sudden change from a gloom that led him to make the +darkest predictions to the wild joy of a drunken man, expressed in a +crazy laugh and without any adequate motive, distressed and alarmed me. +I had never seen him in quite so marked a paroxysm. Our intimacy had +borne fruits in the fact that he no longer restrained himself before me. +Day by day he had endeavored to bring me under his tyranny, and obtain +fresh food, as it were, for his evil temper; for it really seems as +though moral diseases were creatures with appetites and instincts, +seeking to enlarge the boundaries of their empire as a landowner seeks +to increase his domain. + +Presently the countess came down, and sat close to the backgammon table, +apparently for better light on her embroidery, though the anxiety which +led her to place her frame was ill-concealed. A piece of fatal ill-luck +which I could not prevent changed the count's face; from gaiety it +fell to gloom, from purple it became yellow, and his eyes rolled. +Then followed worse ill-luck, which I could neither avert nor repair. +Monsieur de Mortsauf made a fatal throw which decided the game. +Instantly he sprang up, flung the table at me and the lamp on the floor, +struck the chimney-piece with his fist and jumped, for I cannot say +he walked, about the room. The torrent of insults, imprecations, and +incoherent words which rushed from his lips would have made an observer +think of the old tales of satanic possession in the Middle Ages. Imagine +my position! + +"Go into the garden," said the countess, pressing my hand. + +I left the room before the count could notice my disappearance. On the +terrace, where I slowly walked about, I heard his shouts and then his +moans from the bedroom which adjoined the dining-room. Also I heard at +intervals through that tempest of sound the voice of an angel, which +rose like the song of a nightingale as the rain ceases. I walked about +under the acacias in the loveliest night of the month of August, waiting +for the countess to join me. I knew she would come; her gesture promised +it. For several days an explanation seemed to float between us; a word +would suffice to send it gushing from the spring, overfull, in our +souls. What timidity had thus far delayed a perfect understanding +between us? Perhaps she loved, as I did, these quiverings of the spirit +which resembled emotions of fear and numbed the sensibilities while we +held our life unuttered within us, hesitating to unveil its secrets +with the modesty of the young girl before the husband she loves. An +hour passed. I was sitting on the brick balustrade when the sound of +her footsteps blending with the undulating ripple of her flowing gown +stirred the calm air of the night. These are sensations to which the +heart suffices not. + +"Monsieur de Mortsauf is sleeping," she said. "When he is thus I give +him an infusion of poppies, a cup of water in which a few poppies have +been steeped; the attacks are so infrequent that this simple remedy +never loses its effect--Monsieur," she continued, changing her tone and +using the most persuasive inflexion of her voice, "this most unfortunate +accident has revealed to you a secret which has hitherto been sedulously +kept; promise me to bury the recollection of that scene. Do this for my +sake, I beg of you. I don't ask you to swear it; give me your word of +honor and I shall be content." + +"Need I give it to you?" I said. "Do we not understand each other?" + +"You must not judge unfavorably of Monsieur de Mortsauf; you see the +effects of his many sufferings under the emigration," she went on. +"To-morrow he will entirely forget all that he has said and done; you +will find him kind and excellent as ever." + +"Do not seek to excuse him, madame," I replied. "I will do all you wish. +I would fling myself into the Indre at this moment if I could restore +Monsieur de Mortsauf's health and ensure you a happy life. The only +thing I cannot change is my opinion. I can give you my life, but not +my convictions; I can pay no heed to what he says, but can I hinder him +from saying it? No, in my opinion Monsieur de Mortsauf is--" + +"I understand you," she said, hastily interrupting me; "you are right. +The count is as nervous as a fashionable woman," she added, as if to +conceal the idea of madness by softening the word. "But he is only so +at intervals, once a year, when the weather is very hot. Ah, what evils +have resulted from the emigration! How many fine lives ruined! He would +have been, I am sure of it, a great soldier, an honor to his country--" + +"I know," I said, interrupting in my turn to let her see that it was +useless to attempt to deceive me. + +She stopped, laid one hand lightly on my brow, and looked at me. "Who +has sent you here," she said, "into this home? Has God sent me help, a +true friendship to support me?" She paused, then added, as she laid her +hand firmly upon mine, "For you are good and generous--" She raised her +eyes to heaven, as if to invoke some invisible testimony to confirm her +thought, and then let them rest upon me. Electrified by the look, which +cast a soul into my soul, I was guilty, judging by social laws, of a +want of tact, though in certain natures such indelicacy really means a +brave desire to meet danger, to avert a blow, to arrest an evil before +it happens; oftener still, an abrupt call upon a heart, a blow given to +learn if it resounds in unison with ours. Many thoughts rose like gleams +within my mind and bade me wash out the stain that blotted my conscience +at this moment when I was seeking a complete understanding. + +"Before we say more," I said in a voice shaken by the throbbings of +my heart, which could be heard in the deep silence that surrounded us, +"suffer me to purify one memory of the past." + +"Hush!" she said quickly, touching my lips with a finger which she +instantly removed. She looked at me haughtily, with the glance of a +woman who knows herself too exalted for insult to reach her. "Be silent; +I know of what you are about to speak,--the first, the last, the only +outrage ever offered to me. Never speak to me of that ball. If as a +Christian I have forgiven you, as a woman I still suffer from your act." + +"You are more pitiless than God himself," I said, forcing back the tears +that came into my eyes. + +"I ought to be so, I am more feeble," she replied. + +"But," I continued with the persistence of a child, "listen to me now if +only for the first, the last, the only time in your life." + +"Speak, then," she said; "speak, or you will think I dare not hear you." + +Feeling that this was the turning moment of our lives, I spoke to her in +the tone that commands attention; I told her that all women whom I had +ever seen were nothing to me; but when I met her, I, whose life was +studious, whose nature was not bold, I had been, as it were, possessed +by a frenzy that no one who once felt it could condemn; that never heart +of man had been so filled with the passion which no being can resist, +which conquers all things, even death-- + +"And contempt?" she asked, stopping me. + +"Did you despise me?" I exclaimed. + +"Let us say no more on this subject," she replied. + +"No, let me say all!" I replied, in the excitement of my intolerable +pain. "It concerns my life, my whole being, my inward self; it contains +a secret you must know or I must die in despair. It also concerns you, +who, unawares, are the lady in whose hand is the crown promised to the +victor in the tournament!" + +Then I related to her my childhood and youth, not as I have told it to +you, judged from a distance, but in the language of a young man whose +wounds are still bleeding. My voice was like the axe of a woodsman +in the forest. At every word the dead years fell with echoing sound, +bristling with their anguish like branches robbed of their foliage. I +described to her in feverish language many cruel details which I have +here spared you. I spread before her the treasure of my radiant hopes, +the virgin gold of my desires, the whole of a burning heart kept alive +beneath the snow of these Alps, piled higher and higher by perpetual +winter. When, bowed down by the weight of these remembered sufferings, +related as with the live coal of Isaiah, I awaited the reply of the +woman who listened with a bowed head, she illumined the darkness with +a look, she quickened the worlds terrestrial and divine with a single +sentence. + +"We have had the same childhood!" she said, turning to me a face on +which the halo of the martyrs shone. + +After a pause, in which our souls were wedded in the one consoling +thought, "I am not alone in suffering," the countess told me, in the +voice she kept for her little ones, how unwelcome she was as a girl when +sons were wanted. She showed me how her troubles as a daughter bound to +her mother's side differed from those of a boy cast out upon the world +of school and college life. My desolate neglect seemed to me a paradise +compared to that contact with a millstone under which her soul was +ground until the day when her good aunt, her true mother, had saved her +from this misery, the ever-recurring pain of which she now related +to me; misery caused sometimes by incessant faultfinding, always +intolerable to high-strung natures which do not shrink before death +itself but die beneath the sword of Damocles; sometimes by the crushing +of generous impulses beneath an icy hand, by the cold rebuffal of her +kisses, by a stern command of silence, first imposed and then as often +blamed; by inward tears that dared not flow but stayed within the heart; +in short, by all the bitterness and tyranny of convent rule, hidden +to the eyes of the world under the appearance of an exalted motherly +devotion. She gratified her mother's vanity before strangers, but +she dearly paid in private for this homage. When, believing that by +obedience and gentleness she had softened her mother's heart, she opened +hers, the tyrant only armed herself with the girl's confidence. No spy +was ever more traitorous and base. All the pleasures of girlhood, even +her fete days, were dearly purchased, for she was scolded for her gaiety +as much as for her faults. No teaching and no training for her position +had been given in love, always with sarcastic irony. She was not angry +against her mother; in fact she blamed herself for feeling more terror +than love for her. "Perhaps," she said, dear angel, "these severities +were needful; they had certainly prepared her for her present life." As +I listened it seemed to me that the harp of Job, from which I had drawn +such savage sounds, now touched by the Christian fingers gave forth the +litanies of the Virgin at the foot of the cross. + +"We lived in the same sphere before we met in this," I said; "you coming +from the east, I from the west." + +She shook her head with a gesture of despair. + +"To you the east, to me the west," she replied. "You will live happy, I +must die of pain. Life is what we make of it, and mine is made forever. +No power can break the heavy chain to which a woman is fastened by this +ring of gold--the emblem of a wife's purity." + +We knew we were twins of one womb; she never dreamed of a +half-confidence between brothers of the same blood. After a short sigh, +natural to pure hearts when they first open to each other, she told me +of her first married life, her deceptions and disillusions, the rebirth +of her childhood's misery. Like me, she had suffered under trifles; +mighty to souls whose limpid substance quivers to the least shock, as +a lake quivers on the surface and to its utmost depths when a stone is +flung into it. When she married she possessed some girlish savings; a +little gold, the fruit of happy hours and repressed fancies. These, in +a moment when they were needed, she gave to her husband, not telling him +they were gifts and savings of her own. He took no account of them, and +never regarded himself her debtor. She did not even obtain the glance +of thanks that would have paid for all. Ah! how she went from trial to +trial! Monsieur de Mortsauf habitually neglected to give her money for +the household. When, after a struggle with her timidity, she asked him +for it, he seemed surprised and never once spared her the mortification +of petitioning for necessities. What terror filled her mind when the +real nature of the ruined man's disease was revealed to her, and +she quailed under the first outbreak of his mad anger! What bitter +reflections she had made before she brought herself to admit that her +husband was a wreck! What horrible calamities had come of her bearing +children! What anguish she felt at the sight of those infants born +almost dead! With what courage had she said in her heart: "I will +breathe the breath of life into them; I will bear them anew day by day!" +Then conceive the bitterness of finding her greatest obstacle in the +heart and hand from which a wife should draw her greatest succor! She +saw the untold disaster that threatened him. As each difficulty was +conquered, new deserts opened before her, until the day when she +thoroughly understood her husband's condition, the constitution of her +children, and the character of the neighborhood in which she lived; +a day when (like the child taken by Napoleon from a tender home) she +taught her feet to trample through mud and snow, she trained her nerves +to bullets and all her being to the passive obedience of a soldier. + +These things, of which I here make a summary, she told me in all their +dark extent, with every piteous detail of conjugal battles lost and +fruitless struggles. + +"You would have to live here many months," she said, in conclusion, "to +understand what difficulties I have met with in improving Clochegourde; +what persuasions I have had to use to make him do a thing which was most +important to his interests. You cannot imagine the childish glee he has +shown when anything that I advised was not at once successful. All that +turned out well he claimed for himself. Yes, I need an infinite patience +to bear his complaints when I am half-exhausted in the effort to amuse +his weary hours, to sweeten his life and smooth the paths which he +himself has strewn with stones. The reward he gives me is that awful +cry: 'Let me die, life is a burden to me!' When visitors are here and he +enjoys them, he forgets his gloom and is courteous and polite. You ask +me why he cannot be so to his family. I cannot explain that want of +loyalty in a man who is truly chivalrous. He is quite capable of riding +at full speed to Paris to buy me a set of ornaments, as he did the other +day before the ball. Miserly in his household, he would be lavish upon +me if I wished it. I would it were reversed; I need nothing for myself, +but the wants of the household are many. In my strong desire to make him +happy, and not reflecting that I might be a mother, I began my married +life by letting him treat me as a victim, I, who at that time by using a +few caresses could have led him like a child--but I was unable to play a +part I should have thought disgraceful. Now, however, the welfare of my +family requires me to be as calm and stern as the figure of Justice--and +yet, I too have a heart that overflows with tenderness." + +"But why," I said, "do you not use this great influence to master him +and govern him?" + +"If it concerned myself only I should not attempt either to overcome the +dogged silence with which for days together he meets my arguments, +nor to answer his irrational remarks, his childish reasons. I have no +courage against weakness, any more than I have against childhood; +they may strike me as they will, I cannot resist. Perhaps I might meet +strength with strength, but I am powerless against those I pity. If I +were required to coerce Madeleine in some matter that would save her +life, I should die with her. Pity relaxes all my fibres and unstrings +my nerves. So it is that the violent shocks of the last ten years have +broken me down; my feelings, so often battered, are numb at times; +nothing can revive them; even the courage with which I once faced my +troubles begins to fail me. Yes, sometimes I am beaten. For want of +rest--I mean repose--and sea-baths by which to recover my nervous +strength, I shall perish. Monsieur de Mortsauf will have killed me, and +he will die of my death." + +"Why not leave Clochegourde for a few months? Surely you could take your +children and go to the seashore." + +"In the first place, Monsieur de Mortsauf would think he were lost if I +left him. Though he will not admit his condition he is well aware of it. +He is both sane and mad, two natures in one man, a contradiction which +explains many an irrational action. Besides this, he would have good +reason for objecting. Nothing would go right here if I were absent. You +may have seen in me the mother of a family watchful to protect her young +from the hawk that is hovering over them; a weighty task, indeed, but +harder still are the cares imposed upon me by Monsieur de Mortsauf, +whose constant cry, as he follows me about is, 'Where is Madame?' I +am Jacques' tutor and Madeleine's governess; but that is not all, I am +bailiff and steward too. You will understand what that means when you +come to see, as you will, that the working of an estate in these parts +is the most fatiguing of all employments. We get small returns in money; +the farms are cultivated on shares, a system which needs the closest +supervision. We are obliged ourselves to sell our own produce, our +cattle and harvests of all kinds. Our competitors in the markets are our +own farmers, who meet consumers in the wine-shops and determine +prices by selling first. I should weary you if I explained the many +difficulties of agriculture in this region. No matter what care I give +to it, I cannot always prevent our tenants from putting our manure upon +their ground, I cannot be ever on the watch lest they take advantage +of us in the division of the crops; neither can I always know the +exact moment when sales should be made. So, if you think of Monsieur de +Mortsauf's defective memory, and the difficulty you have seen me have in +persuading him to attend to business, you can understand the burden that +is on my shoulders, and the impossibility of my laying it down for a +single day. If I were absent we should be ruined. No one would obey +Monsieur de Mortsauf. In the first place his orders are conflicting; +then no one likes him; he finds incessant fault, and he is very +domineering. Moreover, like all men of feeble mind, he listens too +readily to his inferiors. If I left the house not a servant would be in +it in a week's time. So you see I am attached to Clochegourde as those +leaden finals are to our roof. I have no reserves with you. The whole +country-side is still ignorant of the secrets of this house, but +you know them, you have seen them. Say nothing but what is kind and +friendly, and you shall have my esteem--my gratitude," she added in a +softer voice. "On those terms you are welcome at Clochegourde, where you +will find friends." + +"Ah!" I exclaimed, "I see that I have never really suffered, while +you--" + +"No, no!" she exclaimed, with a smile, that smile of all resigned women +which might melt a granite rock. "Do not be astonished at my frank +confidence; it shows you life as it is, not as your imagination pictures +it. We all have our defects and our good qualities. If I had married a +spendthrift he would have ruined me. If I had given myself to an ardent +and pleasure-loving young man, perhaps I could not have retained him; +he might have left me, and I should have died of jealousy. For I +am jealous!" she said, in a tone of excitement, which was like the +thunderclap of a passing storm. "But Monsieur de Mortsauf loves me +as much as he is capable of loving; all that his heart contains of +affection he pours at my feet, like the Magdalen's cup of ointment. +Believe me, a life of love is an exception to the laws of this earth; +all flowers fade; great joys and emotions have a morrow of evil--if +a morrow at all. Real life is a life of anguish; its image is in that +nettle growing there at the foot of the wall,--no sun can reach it and +it keeps green. Yet, here, as in parts of the North, there are smiles in +the sky, few to be sure, but they compensate for many a grief. +Moreover, women who are naturally mothers live and love far more through +sacrifices than through pleasures. Here I draw upon myself the storms I +fear may break upon my children or my people; and in doing so I feel +a something I cannot explain, which gives me secret courage. The +resignation of the night carries me through the day that follows. +God does not leave me comfortless. Time was when the condition of my +children filled me with despair; to-day as they advance in life they +grow healthier and stronger. And then, after all, our home is improved +and beautified, our means are improving also. Who knows but Monsieur de +Mortsauf's old age may be a blessing to me? Ah, believe me! those +who stand before the Great Judge with palms in their hands, leading +comforted to Him the beings who cursed their lives, they, they have +turned their sorrows into joy. If my sufferings bring about the +happiness of my family, are they sufferings at all?" + +"Yes," I said, "they are; but they were necessary, as mine have been, to +make us understand the true flavor of the fruit that has ripened on our +rocks. Now, surely, we shall taste it together; surely we may admire its +wonders, the sweetness of affection it has poured into our souls, +that inward sap which revives the searing leaves--Good God! do you not +understand me?" I cried, falling into the mystical language to which our +religious training had accustomed us. "See the paths by which we +have approached each other; what magnet led us through that ocean of +bitterness to these springs of running water, flowing at the foot of +those hills above the shining sands and between their green and flowery +meadows? Have we not followed the same star? We stand before the cradle +of a divine child whose joyous carol will renew the world for us, teach +us through happiness a love of life, give to our nights their long-lost +sleep, and to the days their gladness. What hand is this that year by +year has tied new cords between us? Are we not more than brother and +sister? That which heaven has joined we must not keep asunder. The +sufferings you reveal are the seeds scattered by the sower for the +harvest already ripening in the sunshine. Shall we not gather it sheaf +by sheaf? What strength is in me that I dare address you thus! Answer, +or I will never again recross that river!" + +"You have spared me the word _love_," she said, in a stern voice, "but +you have spoken of a sentiment of which I know nothing and which is not +permitted to me. You are a child; and again I pardon you, but for the +last time. Endeavor to understand, Monsieur, that my heart is, as it +were, intoxicated with motherhood. I love Monsieur de Mortsauf neither +from social duty nor from a calculated desire to win eternal blessings, +but from an irresistible feeling which fastens all the fibres of my +heart upon him. Was my marriage a mistake? My sympathy for misfortune +led to it. It is the part of women to heal the woes caused by the march +of events, to comfort those who rush into the breach and return wounded. +How shall I make you understand me? I have felt a selfish pleasure in +seeing that you amused him; is not that pure motherhood? Did I not make +you see by what I owned just now, the _three_ children to whom I am +bound, to whom I shall never fail, on whom I strive to shed a healing +dew and the light of my own soul without withdrawing or adulterating a +single particle? Do not embitter the mother's milk! though as a wife I +am invulnerable, you must never again speak thus to me. If you do not +respect this command, simple as it is, the door of this house will +be closed to you. I believed in pure friendship, in a voluntary +brotherhood, more real, I thought, than the brotherhood of blood. I +was mistaken. I wanted a friend who was not a judge, a friend who would +listen to me in those moments of weakness when reproof is killing, a +sacred friend from whom I should have nothing to fear. Youth is noble, +truthful, capable of sacrifice, disinterested; seeing your persistency +in coming to us, I believed, yes, I will admit that I believed in some +divine purpose; I thought I should find a soul that would be mine, as +the priest is the soul of all; a heart in which to pour my troubles +when they deluged mine, a friend to hear my cries when if I continued +to smother them they would strangle me. Could I but have this friend, +my life, so precious to these children, might be prolonged until Jacques +had grown to manhood. But that is selfish! The Laura of Petrarch cannot +be lived again. I must die at my post, like a soldier, friendless. My +confessor is harsh, austere, and--my aunt is dead." + +Two large tears filled her eyes, gleamed in the moonlight, and rolled +down her cheeks; but I stretched my hand in time to catch them, and I +drank them with an avidity excited by her words, by the thought of +those ten years of secret woe, of wasted feelings, of constant care, of +ceaseless dread--years of the lofty heroism of her sex. She looked at me +with gentle stupefaction. + +"It is the first communion of love," I said. "Yes, I am now a sharer of +your sorrows. I am united to your soul as our souls are united to Christ +in the sacrament. To love, even without hope, is happiness. Ah! what +woman on earth could give me a joy equal to that of receiving your +tears! I accept the contract which must end in suffering to myself. I +give myself to you with no ulterior thought. I will be to you that which +you will me to be--" + +She stopped me with a motion of her hand, and said in her deep voice, "I +consent to this agreement if you will promise never to tighten the bonds +which bind us together." + +"Yes," I said; "but the less you grant the more evidence of possession I +ought to have." + +"You begin by distrusting me," she replied, with an expression of +melancholy doubt. + +"No, I speak from pure happiness. Listen; give me a name by which no one +calls you; a name to be ours only, like the feeling which unites us." + +"That is much to ask," she said, "but I will show you that I am not +petty. Monsieur de Mortsauf calls me Blanche. One only person, the one I +have most loved, my dear aunt, called me Henriette. I will be Henriette +once more, to you." + +I took her hand and kissed it. She left it in mine with the trustfulness +that makes a woman so far superior to men; a trustfulness that shames +us. She was leaning on the brick balustrade and gazing at the river. + +"Are you not unwise, my friend, to rush at a bound to the extremes of +friendship? You have drained the cup, offered in all sincerity, at a +draught. It is true that a real feeling is never piecemeal; it must be +whole, or it does not exist. Monsieur de Mortsauf," she added after a +short silence, "is above all things loyal and brave. Perhaps for my +sake you will forget what he said to you to-day; if he has forgotten +it to-morrow, I will myself tell him what occurred. Do not come to +Clochegourde for a few days; he will respect you more if you do not. +On Sunday, after church, he will go to you. I know him; he will wish to +undo the wrong he did, and he will like you all the better for treating +him as a man who is responsible for his words and actions." + +"Five days without seeing you, without hearing your voice!" + +"Do not put such warmth into your manner of speaking to me," she said. + +We walked twice round the terrace in silence. Then she said, in a tone +of command which proved to me that she had taken possession of my soul, +"It is late; we will part." + +I wished to kiss her hand; she hesitated, then gave it to me, and said +in a voice of entreaty: "Never take it unless I give it to you; leave me +my freedom; if not, I shall be simply a thing of yours, and that ought +not to be." + +"Adieu," I said. + +I went out by the little gate of the lower terrace, which she opened for +me. Just as she was about to close it she opened it again and offered me +her hand, saying: "You have been truly good to me this evening; you have +comforted my whole future; take it, my friend, take it." + +I kissed her hand again and again, and when I raised my eyes I saw the +tears in hers. She returned to the upper terrace and I watched her for +a moment from the meadow. When I was on the road to Frapesle I again saw +her white robe shimmering in a moonbeam; then, a few moments later, a +light was in her bedroom. + +"Oh, my Henriette!" I cried, "to you I pledge the purest love that ever +shone upon this earth." + +I turned at every step as I regained Frapesle. Ineffable contentment +filled my mind. A way was open for the devotion that swells in all +youthful hearts and which in mine had been so long inert. Like the +priest who by one solemn step enters a new life, my vows were taken; I +was consecrated. A simple "Yes" had bound me to keep my love within my +soul and never to abuse our friendship by leading this woman step by +step to love. All noble feelings were awakened within me, and I heard +the murmur of their voices. Before confining myself within the narrow +walls of a room, I stopped beneath the azure heavens sown with stars, +I listened to the ring-dove plaints of my own heart, I heard again the +simple tones of that ingenuous confidence, I gathered in the air the +emanations of that soul which henceforth must ever seek me. How grand +that woman seemed to me, with her absolute forgetfulness of self, her +religion of mercy to wounded hearts, feeble or suffering, her declared +allegiance to her legal yoke. She was there, serene upon her pyre of +saint and martyr. I adored her face as it shone to me in the darkness. +Suddenly I fancied I perceived a meaning in her words, a mysterious +significance which made her to my eyes sublime. Perhaps she longed that +I should be to her what she was to the little world around her. Perhaps +she sought to draw from me her strength and consolation, putting me thus +within her sphere, her equal, or perhaps above her. The stars, say +some bold builders of the universe, communicate to each other light and +motion. This thought lifted me to ethereal regions. I entered once more +the heaven of my former visions; I found a meaning for the miseries of +my childhood in the illimitable happiness to which they had led me. + +Spirits quenched by tears, hearts misunderstood, saintly Clarissa +Harlowes forgotten or ignored, children neglected, exiles innocent of +wrong, all ye who enter life through barren ways, on whom men's faces +everywhere look coldly, to whom ears close and hearts are shut, cease +your complaints! You alone can know the infinitude of joy held in that +moment when one heart opens to you, one ear listens, one look answers +yours. A single day effaces all past evil. Sorrow, despondency, despair, +and melancholy, passed but not forgotten, are links by which the soul +then fastens to its mate. Woman falls heir to all our past, our sighs, +our lost illusions, and gives them back to us ennobled; she explains +those former griefs as payment claimed by destiny for joys eternal, +which she brings to us on the day our souls are wedded. The angels alone +can utter the new name by which that sacred love is called, and none but +women, dear martyrs, truly know what Madame de Mortsauf now became to +me--to me, poor and desolate. + + + + +CHAPTER II. FIRST LOVE + +This scene took place on a Tuesday. I waited until Sunday and did not +cross the river. During those five days great events were happening at +Clochegourde. The count received his brevet as general of brigade, the +cross of Saint Louis, and a pension of four thousand francs. The Duc +de Lenoncourt-Givry, made peer of France, recovered possession of two +forests, resumed his place at court, and his wife regained all her +unsold property, which had been made part of the imperial crown lands. +The Comtesse de Mortsauf thus became an heiress. Her mother had arrived +at Clochegourde, bringing her a hundred thousand francs economized at +Givry, the amount of her dowry, still unpaid and never asked for by the +count in spite of his poverty. In all such matters of external life the +conduct of this man was proudly disinterested. Adding to this sum his +own few savings he was able to buy two neighboring estates, which would +yield him some nine thousand francs a year. His son would of course +succeed to the grandfather's peerage, and the count now saw his way to +entail the estate upon him without injury to Madeleine, for whom the Duc +de Lenoncourt would no doubt assist in promoting a good marriage. + +These arrangements and this new happiness shed some balm upon the +count's sore mind. The presence of the Duchesse de Lenoncourt at +Clochegourde was a great event to the neighborhood. I reflected gloomily +that she was a great lady, and the thought made me conscious of the +spirit of caste in the daughter which the nobility of her sentiments +had hitherto hidden from me. Who was I--poor, insignificant, and with +no future but my courage and my faculties? I did not then think of the +consequences of the Restoration either for me or for others. On Sunday +morning, from the private chapel where I sat with Monsieur and Madame +de Chessel and the Abbe de Quelus, I cast an eager glance at another +lateral chapel occupied by the duchess and her daughter, the count and +his children. The large straw hat which hid my idol from me did not +tremble, and this unconsciousness of my presence seemed to bind me +to her more than all the past. This noble Henriette de Lenoncourt, my +Henriette, whose life I longed to garland, was praying earnestly; faith +gave to her figure an abandonment, a prosternation, the attitude of some +religious statue, which moved me to the soul. + +According to village custom, vespers were said soon after mass. Coming +out of church Madame de Chessel naturally proposed to her neighbors to +pass the intermediate time at Frapesle instead of crossing the Indre and +the meadows twice in the great heat. The offer was accepted. Monsieur de +Chessel gave his arm to the duchess, Madame de Chessel took that of the +count. I offered mine to the countess, and felt, for the first time, +that beautiful arm against my side. As we walked from the church to +Frapesle by the woods of Sache, where the light, filtering down through +the foliage, made those pretty patterns on the path which seem like +painted silk, such sensations of pride, such ideas took possession of me +that my heart beat violently. + +"What is the matter?" she said, after walking a little way in a silence +I dared not break. "Your heart beats too fast--" + +"I have heard of your good fortune," I replied, "and, like all others +who love truly, I am beset with vague fears. Will your new dignities +change you and lessen your friendship?" + +"Change me!" she said; "oh, fie! Another such idea and I shall--not +despise you, but forget you forever." + +I looked at her with an ecstasy which should have been contagious. + +"We profit by the new laws which we have neither brought about nor +demanded," she said; "but we are neither place-hunters nor beggars; +besides, as you know very well, neither Monsieur de Mortsauf nor I can +leave Clochegourde. By my advice he has declined the command to which +his rank entitled him at the Maison Rouge. We are quite content that my +father should have the place. This forced modesty," she added with some +bitterness, "has already been of service to our son. The king, to whose +household my father is appointed, said very graciously that he +would show Jacques the favor we were not willing to accept. Jacques' +education, which must now be thought of, is already being discussed. +He will be the representative of two houses, the Lenoncourt and the +Mortsauf families. I can have no ambition except for him, and therefore +my anxieties seem to have increased. Not only must Jacques live, but +he must be made worthy of his name; two necessities which, as you know, +conflict. And then, later, what friend will keep him safe for me in +Paris, where all things are pitfalls for the soul and dangers for the +body? My friend," she said, in a broken voice, "who could not see upon +your brow and in your eyes that you are one who will inhabit heights? +Be some day the guardian and sponsor of our boy. Go to Paris; if your +father and brother will not second you, our family, above all my mother, +who has a genius for the management of life, will help you. Profit by +our influence; you will never be without support in whatever career you +choose; put the strength of your desires into a noble ambition--" + +"I understand you," I said, interrupting her; "ambition is to be my +mistress. I have no need of that to be wholly yours. No, I will not be +rewarded for my obedience here by receiving favors there. I will go; +I will make my own way; I will rise alone. From you I would accept +everything, from others nothing." + +"Child!" she murmured, ill-concealing a smile of pleasure. + +"Besides, I have taken my vows," I went on. "Thinking over our situation +I am resolved to bind myself to you by ties that never can be broken." + +She trembled slightly and stopped short to look at me. + +"What do you mean?" she asked, letting the couples who preceded us walk +on, and keeping the children at her side. + +"This," I said; "but first tell me frankly how you wish me to love you." + +"Love me as my aunt loved me; I gave you her rights when I permitted you +to call me by the name which she chose for her own among my others." + +"Then I am to love without hope and with an absolute devotion. Well, +yes; I will do for you what some men do for God. I shall feel that you +have asked it. I will enter a seminary and make myself a priest, and +then I will educate your son. Jacques shall be myself in his own form; +political conceptions, thoughts, energy, patience, I will give him all. +In that way I shall live near to you, and my love, enclosed in religion +as a silver image in a crystal shrine, can never be suspected of evil. +You will not have to fear the undisciplined passions which grasp a man +and by which already I have allowed myself to be vanquished. I will +consume my own being in the flame, and I will love you with a purified +love." + +She turned pale and said, hurrying her words: "Felix, do not put +yourself in bonds that might prove an obstacle to our happiness. I +should die of grief for having caused a suicide like that. Child, do you +think despairing love a life's vocation? Wait for life's trials before +you judge of life; I command it. Marry neither the Church nor a woman; +marry not at all,--I forbid it. Remain free. You are twenty-one years +old--My God! can I have mistaken him? I thought two months sufficed to +know some souls." + +"What hope have you?" I cried, with fire in my eyes. + +"My friend, accept our help, rise in life, make your way and your +fortune and you shall know my hope. And," she added, as if she were +whispering a secret, "never release the hand you are holding at this +moment." + +She bent to my ear as she said these words which proved her deep +solicitude for my future. + +"Madeleine!" I exclaimed "never!" + +We were close to a wooden gate which opened into the park of Frapesle; +I still seem to see its ruined posts overgrown with climbing plants and +briers and mosses. Suddenly an idea, that of the count's death, flashed +through my brain, and I said, "I understand you." + +"I am glad of it," she answered in a tone which made me know I had +supposed her capable of a thought that could never be hers. + +Her purity drew tears of admiration from my eyes which the selfishness +of passion made bitter indeed. My mind reacted and I felt that she did +not love me enough even to wish for liberty. So long as love recoils +from a crime it seems to have its limits, and love should be infinite. A +spasm shook my heart. + +"She does not love me," I thought. + +To hide what was in my soul I stooped over Madeleine and kissed her +hair. + +"I am afraid of your mother," I said to the countess presently, to renew +the conversation. + +"So am I," she answered with a gesture full of childlike gaiety. "Don't +forget to call her Madame la duchesse, and to speak to her in the third +person. The young people of the present day have lost these polite +manners; you must learn them; do that for my sake. Besides, it is such +good taste to respect women, no matter what their age may be, and to +recognize social distinctions without disputing them. The respect shown +to established superiority is guarantee for that which is due to you. +Solidarity is the basis of society. Cardinal Della Rovere and Raffaelle +were two powers equally revered. You have sucked the milk of the +Revolution in your academy and your political ideas may be influenced by +it; but as you advance in life you will find that crude and ill-defined +principles of liberty are powerless to create the happiness of the +people. Before considering, as a Lenoncourt, what an aristocracy ought +to be, my common-sense as a woman of the people tells me that societies +can exist only through a hierarchy. You are now at a turning-point in +your life, when you must choose wisely. Be on our side,--especially +now," she added, laughing, "when it triumphs." + +I was keenly touched by these words, in which the depth of her political +feeling mingled with the warmth of affection,--a combination which gives +to women so great a power of persuasion; they know how to give to the +keenest arguments a tone of feeling. In her desire to justify all her +husband's actions Henriette had foreseen the criticisms that would rise +in my mind as soon as I saw the servile effects of a courtier's life +upon him. Monsieur de Mortsauf, king in his own castle and surrounded +by an historic halo, had, to my eyes, a certain grandiose dignity. I +was therefore greatly astonished at the distance he placed between the +duchess and himself by manners that were nothing less than obsequious. A +slave has his pride and will only serve the greatest despots. I confess +I was humiliated at the degradation of one before whom I trembled as the +power that ruled my love. This inward repulsion made me understand the +martyrdom of women of generous souls yoked to men whose meannesses they +bury daily. Respect is a safeguard which protects both great and small +alike; each side can hold its own. I was respectful to the duchess +because of my youth; but where others saw only a duchess I saw the +mother of my Henriette, and that gave sanctity to my homage. + +We reached the great court-yard of Frapesle, where we found the others. +The Comte de Mortsauf presented me very gracefully to the duchess, who +examined me with a cold and reserved air. Madame de Lenoncourt was then +a woman fifty-six years of age, wonderfully well preserved and with +grand manners. When I saw the hard blue eyes, the hollow temples, the +thin emaciated face, the erect, imposing figure slow of movement, and +the yellow whiteness of the skin (reproduced with such brilliancy in the +daughter), I recognized the cold type to which my own mother belonged, +as quickly as a mineralogist recognizes Swedish iron. Her language was +that of the old court; she pronounced the "oit" like "ait," and said +"frait" for "froid," "porteux" for "porteurs." I was not a courtier, +neither was I stiff-backed in my manner to her; in fact I behaved so +well that as I passed the countess she said in a low voice, "You are +perfect." + +The count came to me and took my hand, saying: "You are not angry with +me, Felix, are you? If I was hasty you will pardon an old soldier? We +shall probably stay here to dinner, and I invite you to dine with us +on Thursday, the evening before the duchess leaves. I must go to Tours +to-morrow to settle some business. Don't neglect Clochegourde. My +mother-in-law is an acquaintance I advise you to cultivate. Her +salon will set the tone for the faubourg St. Germain. She has all the +traditions of the great world, and possesses an immense amount of social +knowledge; she knows the blazon of the oldest as well as the newest +family in Europe." + +The count's good taste, or perhaps the advice of his domestic genius, +appeared under his altered circumstances. He was neither arrogant nor +offensively polite, nor pompous in any way, and the duchess was not +patronizing. Monsieur and Madame de Chessel gratefully accepted the +invitation to dinner on the following Thursday. I pleased the duchess, +and by her glance I knew she was examining a man of whom her daughter +had spoken to her. As we returned from vespers she questioned me about +my family, and asked if the Vandenesse now in diplomacy was my relative. +"He is my brother," I replied. On that she became almost affectionate. +She told me that my great-aunt, the old Marquise de Listomere, was a +Grandlieu. Her manners were as cordial as those of Monsieur de Mortsauf +the day he saw me for the first time; the haughty glance with which +these sovereigns of the earth make you measure the distance that lies +between you and them disappeared. I knew almost nothing of my family. +The duchess told me that my great-uncle, an old abbe whose very name I +did not know, was to be member of the privy council, that my brother was +already promoted, and also that by a provision of the Charter, of which +I had not yet heard, my father became once more Marquis de Vandenesse. + +"I am but one thing, the serf of Clochegourde," I said in a low voice to +the countess. + +The transformation scene of the Restoration was carried through with a +rapidity which bewildered the generation brought up under the imperial +regime. To me this revolution meant nothing. The least word or gesture +from Madame de Mortsauf were the sole events to which I attached +importance. I was ignorant of what the privy council was, and knew +as little of politics as of social life; my sole ambition was to love +Henriette better than Petrarch loved Laura. This indifference made the +duchess take me for a child. A large company assembled at Frapesle and +we were thirty at table. What intoxication it is for a young man unused +to the world to see the woman he loves more beautiful than all others +around her, the centre of admiring looks; to know that for him alone is +reserved the chaste fire of those eyes, that none but he can discern in +the tones of that voice, in the words it utters, however gay or jesting +they may be, the proofs of unremitting thought. The count, delighted +with the attentions paid to him, seemed almost young; his wife looked +hopeful of a change; I amused myself with Madeleine, who, like all +children with bodies weaker than their minds, made others laugh with her +clever observations, full of sarcasm, though never malicious, and +which spared no one. It was a happy day. A word, a hope awakened in the +morning illumined nature. Seeing me so joyous, Henriette was joyful too. + +"This happiness smiling on my gray and cloudy life seems good," she said +to me the next day. + +That day I naturally spent at Clochegourde. I had been banished for five +days, I was athirst for life. The count left at six in the morning for +Tours. A serious disagreement had arisen between mother and daughter. +The duchess wanted the countess to move to Paris, where she promised her +a place at court, and where the count, reconsidering his refusal, might +obtain some high position. Henriette, who was thought happy in +her married life, would not reveal, even to her mother, her tragic +sufferings and the fatal incapacity of her husband. It was to hide his +condition from the duchess that she persuaded him to go to Tours and +transact business with his notaries. I alone, as she had truly said, +knew the dark secret of Clochegourde. Having learned by experience +how the pure air and the blue sky of the lovely valley calmed the +excitements and soothed the morbid griefs of the diseased mind, and what +beneficial effect the life at Clochegourde had upon the health of her +children, she opposed her mother's desire that she should leave it with +reasons which the overbearing woman, who was less grieved than mortified +by her daughter's bad marriage, vigorously combated. + +Henriette saw that the duchess cared little for Jacques and +Madeleine,--a terrible discovery! Like all domineering mothers who +expect to continue the same authority over their married daughters that +they maintained when they were girls, the duchess brooked no opposition; +sometimes she affected a crafty sweetness to force her daughter to +compliance, at other times a cold severity, intending to obtain by fear +what gentleness had failed to win; then, when all means failed, she +displayed the same native sarcasm which I had often observed in my own +mother. In those ten days Henriette passed through all the contentions a +young woman must endure to establish her independence. You, who for your +happiness have the best of mothers, can scarcely comprehend such trials. +To gain a true idea of the struggle between that cold, calculating, +ambitious woman and a daughter abounding in the tender natural kindness +that never faileth, you must imagine a lily, to which my heart has +always compared her, bruised beneath the polished wheels of a steel car. +That mother had nothing in common with her daughter; she was unable +even to imagine the real difficulties which hindered her from taking +advantage of the Restoration and forced her to continue a life of +solitude. Though families bury their internal dissensions with the +utmost care, enter behind the scenes, and you will find in nearly all +of them deep, incurable wounds, which lessen the natural affections. +Sometimes these wounds are given by passions real and most affecting, +rendered eternal by the dignity of those who feel them; sometimes by +latent hatreds which slowly freeze the heart and dry all tears when the +hour of parting comes. Tortured yesterday and to-day, wounded by all, +even by the suffering children who were guiltless of the ills they +endured, how could that poor soul fail to love the one human being who +did not strike her, who would fain have built a wall of defence around +her to guard her from storms, from harsh contacts and cruel blows? +Though I suffered from a knowledge of these debates, there were moments +when I was happy in the sense that she rested upon my heart; for she +told me of these new troubles. Day by day I learned more fully the +meaning of her words,--"Love me as my aunt loved me." + +"Have you no ambition?" the duchess said to me at dinner, with a stern +air. + +"Madame," I replied, giving her a serious look, "I have enough in me to +conquer the world; but I am only twenty-one, and I am all alone." + +She looked at her daughter with some astonishment. Evidently she +believed that Henriette had crushed my ambition in order to keep me +near her. The visit of Madame de Lenoncourt was a period of unrelieved +constraint. The countess begged me to be cautious; she was frightened +by the least kind word; to please her I wore the harness of deceit. The +great Thursday came; it was a day of wearisome ceremonial,--one of +those stiff days which lovers hate, when their chair is no longer in +its place, and the mistress of the house cannot be with them. Love has a +horror of all that does not concern itself. But the duchess returned at +last to the pomps and vanities of the court, and Clochegourde recovered +its accustomed order. + +My little quarrel with the count resulted in making me more at home in +the house than ever; I could go there at all times without hindrance; +and the antecedents of my life inclined me to cling like a climbing +plant to the beautiful soul which had opened to me the enchanting world +of shared emotions. Every hour, every minute, our fraternal marriage, +founded on trust, became a surer thing; each of us settled firmly into +our own position; the countess enfolded me with her nurturing care, with +the white draperies of a love that was wholly maternal; while my love +for her, seraphic in her presence, seared me as with hot irons when +away from her. I loved her with a double love which shot its arrows of +desire, and then lost them in the sky, where they faded out of sight in +the impermeable ether. If you ask me why, young and ardent, I continued +in the deluding dreams of Platonic love, I must own to you that I was +not yet man enough to torture that woman, who was always in dread of +some catastrophe to her children, always fearing some outburst of her +husband's stormy temper, martyrized by him when not afflicted by the +illness of Jacques or Madeleine, and sitting beside one or the other of +them when her husband allowed her a little rest. The mere sound of too +warm a word shook her whole being; a desire shocked her; what she needed +was a veiled love, support mingled with tenderness,--that, in short, +which she gave to others. Then, need I tell you, who are so truly +feminine? this situation brought with it hours of delightful languor, +moments of divine sweetness and content which followed by secret +immolation. Her conscience was, if I may call it so, contagious; her +self-devotion without earthly recompense awed me by its persistence; the +living, inward piety which was the bond of her other virtues filled +the air about her with spiritual incense. Besides, I was young,--young +enough to concentrate my whole being on the kiss she allowed me too +seldom to lay upon her hand, of which she gave me only the back, and +never the palm, as though she drew the line of sensual emotions there. +No two souls ever clasped each other with so much ardor, no bodies were +ever more victoriously annihilated. Later I understood the cause of this +sufficing joy. At my age no worldly interests distracted my heart; no +ambitions blocked the stream of a love which flowed like a torrent, +bearing all things on its bosom. Later, we love the woman in a woman; +but the first woman we love is the whole of womanhood; her children are +ours, her interests are our interests, her sorrows our greatest sorrow; +we love her gown, the familiar things about her; we are more grieved by +a trifling loss of hers than if we knew we had lost everything. This +is the sacred love that makes us live in the being of another; whereas +later, alas! we draw another life into ours, and require a woman to +enrich our pauper spirit with her young soul. + +I was now one of the household, and I knew for the first time an +infinite sweetness, which to a nature bruised as mine was like a bath +to a weary body; the soul is refreshed in every fibre, comforted to its +very depths. You will hardly understand me, for you are a woman, and +I am speaking now of a happiness women give but do not receive. A man +alone knows the choice happiness of being, in the midst of a strange +household, the privileged friend of its mistress, the secret centre +of her affections. No dog barks at you; the servants, like the dogs, +recognize your rights; the children (who are never misled, and know that +their power cannot be lessened, and that you cherish the light of their +life), the children possess the gift of divination, they play with you +like kittens and assume the friendly tyranny they show only to those +they love; they are full of intelligent discretion and come and go on +tiptoe without noise. Every one hastens to do you service; all like you, +and smile upon you. True passions are like beautiful flowers all the +more charming to the eye when they grow in a barren soil. + +But if I enjoyed the delightful benefits of naturalization in a family +where I found relations after my own heart, I had also to pay some costs +for it. Until then Monsieur de Mortsauf had more or less restrained +himself before me. I had only seen his failings in the mass; I was +now to see the full extent of their application and discover how nobly +charitable the countess had been in the account she had given me of +these daily struggles. I learned now all the angles of her husband's +intolerable nature; I heard his perpetual scolding about nothing, +complaints of evils of which not a sign existed; I saw the inward +dissatisfaction which poisoned his life, and the incessant need of his +tyrannical spirit for new victims. When we went to walk in the evenings +he selected the way; but whichever direction we took he was always +bored; when we reached home he blamed others; his wife had insisted on +going where she wanted; why was he governed by her in all the trifling +things of life? was he to have no will, no thought of his own? must +he consent to be a cipher in his own house? If his harshness was to be +received in patient silence he was angry because he felt a limit to his +power; he asked sharply if religion did not require a wife to please +her husband, and whether it was proper to despise the father of her +children? He always ended by touching some sensitive chord in his wife's +mind; and he seemed to find a domineering pleasure in making it sound. +Sometimes he tried gloomy silence and a morbid depression, which always +alarmed his wife and made her pay him the most tender attentions. +Like petted children, who exercise their power without thinking of the +distress of their mother, he would let her wait upon him as upon Jacques +and Madeleine, of whom he was jealous. + +I discovered at last that in small things as well as in great ones the +count acted towards his servants, his children, his wife, precisely as +he had acted to me about the backgammon. The day when I understood, +root and branch, these difficulties, which like a rampant overgrowth +repressed the actions and stifled the breathing of the whole family, +hindered the management of the household and retarded the improvement of +the estate by complicating the most necessary acts, I felt an admiring +awe which rose higher than my love and drove it back into my heart. Good +God! what was I? Those tears that I had taken on my lips solemnized +my spirit; I found happiness in wedding the sufferings of that woman. +Hitherto I had yielded to the count's despotism as the smuggler pays his +fine; henceforth I was a voluntary victim that I might come the nearer +to her. The countess understood me, allowed me a place beside her, and +gave me permission to share her sorrows; like the repentant apostate, +eager to rise to heaven with his brethren, I obtained the favor of dying +in the arena. + +"Were it not for you I must have succumbed under this life," Henriette +said to me one evening when the count had been, like the flies on a hot +day, more stinging, venomous, and persistent than usual. + +He had gone to bed. Henriette and I remained under the acacias; the +children were playing about us, bathed in the setting sun. Our few +exclamatory words revealed the mutuality of the thoughts in which we +rested from our common sufferings. When language failed silence as +faithfully served our souls, which seemed to enter one another without +hindrance; together they luxuriated in the charms of pensive languor, +they met in the undulations of the same dream, they plunged as one into +the river and came out refreshed like two nymphs as closely united as +their souls could wish, but with no earthly tie to bind them. We entered +the unfathomable gulf, we returned to the surface with empty hands, +asking each other by a look, "Among all our days on earth will there be +one for us?" + +In spite of the tranquil poetry of evening which gave to the bricks of +the balustrade their orange tones, so soothing and so pure; in spite of +the religious atmosphere of the hour, which softened the voices of the +children and wafted them towards us, desire crept through my veins like +the match to the bonfire. After three months of repression I was unable +to content myself with the fate assigned me. I took Henriette's hand and +softly caressed it, trying to convey to her the ardor that invaded me. +She became at once Madame de Mortsauf, and withdrew her hand; tears +rolled from my eyes, she saw them and gave me a chilling look, as she +offered her hand to my lips. + +"You must know," she said, "that this will cause me grief. A friendship +that asks so great a favor is dangerous." + +Then I lost my self-control; I reproached her, I spoke of my sufferings, +and the slight alleviation that I asked for them. I dared to tell her +that at my age, if the senses were all soul still the soul had a sex; +that I could meet death, but not with closed lips. She forced me to +silence with her proud glance, in which I seemed to read the cry of the +Mexican: "And I, am I on a bed of roses?" Ever since that day by the +gate of Frapesle, when I attributed to her the hope that our happiness +might spring from a grave, I had turned with shame from the thought of +staining her soul with the desires of a brutal passion. She now spoke +with honeyed lip, and told me that she never could be wholly mine, and +that I ought to know it. As she said the words I know that in obeying +her I dug an abyss between us. I bowed my head. She went on, saying she +had an inward religious certainty that she might love me as a brother +without offending God or man; such love was a living image of the divine +love, which her good Saint-Martin told her was the life of the world. +If I could not be to her somewhat as her old confessor was, less than a +lover yet more than a brother, I must never see her again. She could +die and take to God her sheaf of sufferings, borne not without tears and +anguish. + +"I gave you," she said in conclusion, "more than I ought to have given, +so that nothing might be left to take, and I am punished." + +I was forced to calm her, to promise never to cause her pain, and to +love her at twenty-one years of age as old men love their youngest +child. + +The next day I went early. There were no flowers in the vases of her +gray salon. I rushed into the fields and vineyards to make her two +bouquets; but as I gathered the flowers, one by one, cutting their long +stalks and admiring their beauty, the thought occurred to me that the +colors and foliage had a poetry, a harmony, which meant something to +the understanding while they charmed the eye; just as musical melodies +awaken memories in hearts that are loving and beloved. If color is light +organized, must it not have a meaning of its own, as the combinations +of the air have theirs? I called in the assistance of Jacques and +Madeleine, and all three of us conspired to surprise our dear one. I +arranged, on the lower steps of the portico, where we established +our floral headquarters, two bouquets by which I tried to convey a +sentiment. Picture to yourself a fountain of flowers gushing from the +vases and falling back in curving waves; my message springing from its +bosom in white roses and lilies with their silver cups. All the blue +flowers, harebells, forget-me-nots, and ox-tongues, whose tines, caught +from the skies, blended so well with the whiteness of the lilies, +sparkled on this dewy texture; were they not the type of two purities, +the one that knows nothing, the other that knows all; an image of the +child, an image of the martyr? Love has its blazon, and the countess +discerned it inwardly. She gave me a poignant glance which was like +the cry of a soldier when his wound is touched; she was humbled but +enraptured too. My reward was in that glance; to refresh her heart, to +have given her comfort, what encouragement for me! Then it was that +I pressed the theories of Pere Castel into the service of love, and +recovered a science lost to Europe, where written pages have supplanted +the flowery missives of the Orient with their balmy tints. What charm in +expressing our sensations through these daughters of the sun, sisters to +the flowers that bloom beneath the rays of love! Before long I communed +with the flora of the fields, as a man whom I met in after days at +Grandlieu communed with his bees. + +Twice a week during the remainder of my stay at Frapesle I continued the +slow labor of this poetic enterprise, for the ultimate accomplishment of +which I needed all varieties of herbaceous plants; into these I made a +deep research, less as a botanist than as a poet, studying their spirit +rather than their form. To find a flower in its native haunts I walked +enormous distances, beside the brooklets, through the valleys, to the +summit of the cliffs, across the moorland, garnering thoughts even from +the heather. During these rambles I initiated myself into pleasures +unthought of by the man of science who lives in meditation, unknown to +the horticulturist busy with specialities, to the artisan fettered to +a city, to the merchant fastened to his desk, but known to a few +foresters, to a few woodsmen, and to some dreamers. Nature can show +effects the significations of which are limitless; they rise to the +grandeur of the highest moral conceptions--be it the heather in bloom, +covered with the diamonds of the dew on which the sunlight dances; +infinitude decked for the single glance that may chance to fall upon +it:--be it a corner of the forest hemmed in with time-worn rocks +crumbling to gravel and clothed with mosses overgrown with juniper, +which grasps our minds as something savage, aggressive, terrifying as +the cry of the kestrel issuing from it:--be it a hot and barren moor +without vegetation, stony, rigid, its horizon like those of the desert, +where once I gathered a sublime and solitary flower, the anemone +pulsatilla, with its violet petals opening for the golden stamens; +affecting image of my pure idol alone in her valley:--be it great sheets +of water, where nature casts those spots of greenery, a species of +transition between the plant and animal, where life makes haste to come +in flowers and insects, floating there like worlds in ether:--be it +a cottage with its garden of cabbages, its vineyards, its hedges +overhanging a bog, surrounded by a few sparse fields of rye; true image +of many humble existences:--be it a forest path like some cathedral +nave, where the trees are columns and their branches arch the roof, at +the far end of which a light breaks through, mingled with shadows or +tinted with sunset reds athwart the leaves which gleam like the colored +windows of a chancel:--then, leaving these woods so cool and branchy, +behold a chalk-land lying fallow, where among the warm and cavernous +mosses adders glide to their lairs, or lift their proud slim heads. Cast +upon all these pictures torrents of sunlight like beneficent waters, +or the shadow of gray clouds drawn in lines like the wrinkles of an old +man's brow, or the cool tones of a sky faintly orange and streaked with +lines of a paler tint; then listen--you will hear indefinable harmonies +amid a silence which blends them all. + +During the months of September and October I did not make a single +bouquet which cost me less than three hours search; so much did I +admire, with the real sympathy of a poet, these fugitive allegories of +human life, that vast theatre I was about to enter, the scenes of which +my memory must presently recall. Often do I now compare those splendid +scenes with memories of my soul thus expending itself on nature; again I +walk that valley with my sovereign, whose white robe brushed the coppice +and floated on the green sward, whose spirit rose, like a promised +fruit, from each calyx filled with amorous stamens. + +No declaration of love, no vows of uncontrollable passion ever conveyed +more than these symphonies of flowers; my baffled desires impelled me to +efforts of expression through them like those of Beethoven through his +notes, to the same bitter reactions, to the same mighty bounds towards +heaven. In their presence Madame de Mortsauf was my Henriette. She +looked at them constantly; they fed her spirit, she gathered all the +thoughts I had given them, saying, as she raised her head from the +embroidery frame to receive my gift, "Ah, how beautiful!" + +Natalie, you will understand this delightful intercourse through the +details of a bouquet, just as you would comprehend Saadi from a fragment +of his verse. Have you ever smelt in the fields in the month of May the +perfume that communicates to all created beings the intoxicating sense +of a new creation; the sense that makes you trail your hand in the water +from a boat, and loosen your hair to the breeze while your mind revives +with the springtide greenery of the trees? A little plant, a species of +vernal grass, is a powerful element in this veiled harmony; it cannot be +worn with impunity; take into your hand its shining blade, striped green +and white like a silken robe, and mysterious emotions will stir the +rosebuds your modesty keeps hidden in the depths of your heart. Round +the neck of a porcelain vase imagine a broad margin of the gray-white +tufts peculiar to the sedum of the vineyards of Touraine, vague image +of submissive forms; from this foundation come tendrils of the bind-weed +with its silver bells, sprays of pink rest-barrow mingled with a few +young shoots of oak-leaves, lustrous and magnificently colored; +these creep forth prostrate, humble as the weeping-willow, timid and +supplicating as prayer. Above, see those delicate threads of the purple +amoret, with its flood of anthers that are nearly yellow; the snowy +pyramids of the meadow-sweet, the green tresses of the wild oats, the +slender plumes of the agrostis, which we call wind-ear; roseate hopes, +decking love's earliest dream and standing forth against the gray +surroundings. But higher still, remark the Bengal roses, sparsely +scattered among the laces of the daucus, the plumes of the linaria, the +marabouts of the meadow-queen; see the umbels of the myrrh, the spun +glass of the clematis in seed, the dainty petals of the cross-wort, +white as milk, the corymbs of the yarrow, the spreading stems of the +fumitory with their black and rosy blossoms, the tendrils of the grape, +the twisted shoots of the honeysuckle; in short, all the innocent +creatures have that is most tangled, wayward, wild,--flames and triple +darts, leaves lanceolated or jagged, stalks convoluted like passionate +desires writhing in the soul. From the bosom of this torrent of love +rises the scarlet poppy, its tassels about to open, spreading its +flaming flakes above the starry jessamine, dominating the rain of +pollen--that soft mist fluttering in the air and reflecting the light in +its myriad particles. What woman intoxicated with the odor of the vernal +grasses would fail to understand this wealth of offered thoughts, these +ardent desires of a love demanding the happiness refused in a hundred +struggles which passion still renews, continuous, unwearying, eternal! + +Put this speech of the flowers in the light of a window to show its +crisp details, its delicate contrasts, its arabesques of color, and +allow the sovereign lady to see a tear upon some petal more expanded +than the rest. What do we give to God? perfumes, light, and song, the +purest expression of our nature. Well, these offerings to God, are they +not likewise offered to love in this poem of luminous flowers murmuring +their sadness to the heart, cherishing its hidden transports, its +unuttered hopes, its illusions which gleam and fall to fragments like +the gossamer of a summer's night? + +Such neutral pleasures help to soothe a nature irritated by long +contemplation of the person beloved. They were to me, I dare not say to +her, like those fissures in a dam through which the water finds a vent +and avoids disaster. Abstinence brings deadly exhaustion, which a +few crumbs falling from heaven like manna in the desert, suffices to +relieve. Sometimes I found my Henriette standing before these bouquets +with pendant arms, lost in agitated reverie, thoughts swelling her +bosom, illumining her brow as they surged in waves and sank again, +leaving lassitude and languor behind them. Never again have I made a +bouquet for any one. When she and I had created this language and formed +it to our uses, a satisfaction filled our souls like that of a slave who +escapes his masters. + +During the rest of this month as I came from the meadows through the +gardens I often saw her face at the window, and when I reached the salon +she was ready at her embroidery frame. If I did not arrive at the hour +expected (though never appointed), I saw a white form wandering on the +terrace, and when I joined her she would say, "I came to meet you; I +must show a few attentions to my youngest child." + +The miserable games of backgammon had come to end. The count's late +purchases took all his time in going hither and thither about the +property, surveying, examining, and marking the boundaries of his new +possessions. He had orders to give, rural works to overlook which needed +a master's eye,--all of them planned and decided on by his wife and +himself. We often went to meet him, the countess and I, with the +children, who amused themselves on the way by running after insects, +stag-beetles, darning-needles, they too making their bouquets, or to +speak more truly, their bundles of flowers. To walk beside the woman we +love, to take her on our arm, to guide her steps,--these are illimitable +joys that suffice a lifetime. Confidence is then complete. We went +alone, we returned with the "general," a title given to the count when +he was good-humored. These two ways of taking the same path gave light +and shade to our pleasure, a secret known only to hearts debarred from +union. Our talk, so free as we went, had hidden significations as +we returned, when either of us gave an answer to some furtive +interrogation, or continued a subject, already begun, in the enigmatic +phrases to which our language lends itself, and which women are so +ingenious in composing. Who has not known the pleasure of such secret +understandings in a sphere apart from those about us, a sphere where +spirits meet outside of social laws? + +One day a wild hope, quickly dispelled, took possession of me, when the +count, wishing to know what we were talking of, put the inquiry, +and Henriette answered in words that allowed another meaning, which +satisfied him. This amused Madeleine, who laughed; after a moment her +mother blushed and gave me a forbidding look, as if to say she might +still withdraw from me her soul as she had once withdrawn her hand. But +our purely spiritual union had far too many charms, and on the morrow it +continued as before. + +The hours, days, and weeks fled by, filled with renascent joys. Grape +harvest, the festal season in Touraine, began. Toward the end of +September the sun, less hot than during the wheat harvest, allows of our +staying in the vineyards without danger of becoming overheated. It is +easier to gather grapes than to mow wheat. Fruits of all kinds are ripe, +harvests are garnered, bread is less dear; the sense of plenty makes the +country people happy. Fears as to the results of rural toil, in which +more money than sweat is often spent, vanish before a full granary and +cellars about to overflow. The vintage is then like a gay dessert after +the dinner is eaten; the skies of Touraine, where the autumns are always +magnificent, smile upon it. In this hospitable land the vintagers +are fed and lodged in the master's house. The meals are the only +ones throughout the year when these poor people taste substantial, +well-cooked food; and they cling to the custom as the children of +patriarchal families cling to anniversaries. As the time approaches they +flock in crowds to those houses where the masters are known to treat the +laborers liberally. The house is full of people and of provisions. The +presses are open. The country is alive with the coming and going of +itinerant coopers, of carts filled with laughing girls and joyous +husbandmen, who earn better wages than at any other time during +the year, and who sing as they go. There is also another cause of +pleasurable content: classes and ranks are equal; women, children, +masters, and men, all that little world, share in the garnering of +the divine hoard. These various elements of satisfaction explain the +hilarity of the vintage, transmitted from age to age in these last +glorious days of autumn, the remembrance of which inspired Rabelais with +the bacchic form of his great work. + +The children, Jacques and Madeleine, had never seen a vintage; I was +like them, and they were full of infantine delight at finding a sharer +of their pleasure; their mother, too, promised to accompany us. We went +to Villaines, where baskets are manufactured, in quest of the prettiest +that could be bought; for we four were to cut certain rows reserved for +our scissors; it was, however, agreed that none of us were to eat too +many grapes. To eat the fat bunches of Touraine in a vineyard seemed +so delicious that we all refused the finest grapes on the dinner-table. +Jacques made me swear I would go to no other vineyard, but stay closely +at Clochegourde. Never were these frail little beings, usually pallid +and smiling, so fresh and rosy and active as they were this morning. +They chattered for chatter's sake, and trotted about without apparent +object; they suddenly seemed, like other children, to have more life +than they needed; neither Monsieur nor Madame de Mortsauf had ever seen +them so before. I became a child again with them, more of a child than +either of them, perhaps; I, too, was hoping for my harvest. It was +glorious weather when we went to the vineyard, and we stayed there half +the day. How we disputed as to who had the finest grapes and who could +fill his basket quickest! The little human shoots ran to and fro from +the vines to their mother; not a bunch could be cut without showing it +to her. She laughed with the good, gay laugh of her girlhood when I, +running up with my basket after Madeleine, cried out, "Mine too! See +mine, mamma!" To which she answered: "Don't get overheated, dear child." +Then passing her hand round my neck and through my hair, she added, +giving me a little tap on the cheek, "You are melting away." It was +the only caress she ever gave me. I looked at the pretty line of purple +clusters, the hedges full of haws and blackberries; I heard the voices +of the children; I watched the trooping girls, the cart loaded with +barrels, the men with the panniers. Ah, it is all engraved on my memory, +even to the almond-tree beside which she stood, girlish, rosy, smiling, +beneath the sunshade held open in her hand. Then I busied myself in +cutting the bunches and filling my basket, going forward to empty it +in the vat, silently, with measured bodily movement and slow steps that +left my spirit free. I discovered then the ineffable pleasure of an +external labor which carries life along, and thus regulates the rush of +passion, often so near, but for this mechanical motion, to kindle +into flame. I learned how much wisdom is contained in uniform labor; I +understood monastic discipline. + +For the first time in many days the count was neither surly nor cruel. +His son was so well; the future Duc de Lenoncourt-Mortsauf, fair and +rosy and stained with grape-juice, rejoiced his heart. This day +being the last of the vintage, he had promised a dance in front of +Clochegourde in honor of the return of the Bourbons, so that our +festival gratified everybody. As we returned to the house, the countess +took my arm and leaned upon it, as if to let my heart feel the weight of +hers,--the instinctive movement of a mother who seeks to convey her joy. +Then she whispered in my ear, "You bring us happiness." + +Ah, to me, who knew her sleepless nights, her cares, her fears, her +former existence, in which, although the hand of God sustained her, all +was barren and wearisome, those words uttered by that rich voice brought +pleasures no other woman in the world could give me. + +"The terrible monotony of my life is broken, all things are radiant with +hope," she said after a pause. "Oh, never leave me! Do not despise my +harmless superstitions; be the elder son, the protector of the younger." + +In this, Natalie, there is nothing romantic. To know the infinite of our +deepest feelings, we must in youth cast our lead into those great +lakes upon whose shores we live. Though to many souls passions are lava +torrents flowing among arid rocks, other souls there be in whom passion, +restrained by insurmountable obstacles, fills with purest water the +crater of the volcano. + +We had still another fete. Madame de Mortsauf, wishing to accustom +her children to the practical things of life, and to give them some +experience of the toil by which men earn their living, had provided +each of them with a source of income, depending on the chances of +agriculture. To Jacques she gave the produce of the walnut-trees, to +Madeleine that of the chestnuts. The gathering of the nuts began soon +after the vintage,--first the chestnuts, then the walnuts. To beat +Madeleine's trees with a long pole and hear the nuts fall and rebound on +the dry, matted earth of a chestnut-grove; to see the serious gravity of +the little girl as she examined the heaps and estimated their probable +value, which to her represented many pleasures on which she counted; +the congratulations of Manette, the trusted servant who alone supplied +Madame de Mortsauf's place with the children; the explanations of the +mother, showing the necessity of labor to obtain all crops, so often +imperilled by the uncertainties of climate,--all these things made up a +charming scene of innocent, childlike happiness amid the fading colors +of the late autumn. + +Madeleine had a little granary of her own, in which I was to see her +brown treasure garnered and share her delight. Well, I quiver still when +I recall the sound of each basketful of nuts as it was emptied on the +mass of yellow husks, mixed with earth, which made the floor of the +granary. The count bought what was needed for the household; the farmers +and tenants, indeed, every one around Clochegourde, sent buyers to the +Mignonne, a pet name which the peasantry give even to strangers, but +which in this case belonged exclusively to Madeleine. + +Jacques was less fortunate in gathering his walnuts. It rained for +several days; but I consoled him with the advice to hold back his nuts +and sell them a little later. Monsieur de Chessel had told me that the +walnut-trees in the Brehemont, also those about Amboise and Vouvray, +were not bearing. Walnut oil is in great demand in Touraine. Jacques +might get at least forty sous for the product of each tree, and as he +had two hundred the amount was considerable; he intended to spend it on +the equipment of a pony. This wish led to a discussion with his father, +who bade him think of the uncertainty of such returns, and the wisdom of +creating a reserve fund for the years when the trees might not bear, +and so equalizing his resources. I felt what was passing through the +mother's mind as she sat by in silence; she rejoiced in the way Jacques +listened to his father, the father seeming to recover the paternal +dignity that was lacking to him, thanks to the ideas which she herself +had prompted in him. Did I not tell you truly that in picturing this +woman earthly language was insufficient to render either her character +or her spirit. When such scenes occurred my soul drank in their delights +without analyzing them; but now, with what vigor they detach themselves +on the dark background of my troubled life! Like diamonds they shine +against the settling of thoughts degraded by alloy, of bitter regrets +for a lost happiness. Why do the names of the two estates purchased +after the Restoration, and in which Monsieur and Madame de Mortsauf both +took the deepest interest, the Cassine and the Rhetoriere, move me more +than the sacred names of the Holy Land or of Greece? "Who loves, knows!" +cried La Fontaine. Those names possess the talismanic power of words +uttered under certain constellations by seers; they explain magic to me; +they awaken sleeping forms which arise and speak to me; they lead me to +the happy valley; they recreate skies and landscape. But such evocations +are in the regions of the spiritual world; they pass in the silence of +my own soul. Be not surprised, therefore, if I dwell on all these homely +scenes; the smallest details of that simple, almost common life are +ties which, frail as they may seem, bound me in closest union to the +countess. + +The interests of her children gave Madame de Mortsauf almost as much +anxiety as their health. I soon saw the truth of what she had told me as +to her secret share in the management of the family affairs, into which +I became slowly initiated. After ten years' steady effort Madame de +Mortsauf had changed the method of cultivating the estate. She had "put +it in fours," as the saying is in those parts, meaning the new system +under which wheat is sown every four years only, so as to make the soil +produce a different crop yearly. To evade the obstinate unwillingness of +the peasantry it was found necessary to cancel the old leases and give +new ones, to divide the estate into four great farms and let them +on equal shares, the sort of lease that prevails in Touraine and its +neighborhood. The owner of the estate gives the house, farm-buildings, +and seed-grain to tenants-at-will, with whom he divides the costs of +cultivation and the crops. This division is superintended by an agent or +bailiff, whose business it is to take the share belonging to the owner; +a costly system, complicated by the market changes of values, which +alter the character of the shares constantly. The countess had induced +Monsieur de Mortsauf to cultivate a fifth farm, made up of the reserved +lands about Clochegourde, as much to occupy his mind as to show other +farmers the excellence of the new method by the evidence of facts. Being +thus, in a hidden way, the mistress of the estate, she had slowly +and with a woman's persistency rebuilt two of the farm-houses on the +principle of those in Artois and Flanders. It is easy to see her motive. +She wished, after the expiration of the leases on shares, to relet to +intelligent and capable persons for rental in money, and thus simplify +the revenues of Clochegourde. Fearing to die before her husband, she +was anxious to secure for him a regular income, and to her children a +property which no incapacity could jeopardize. At the present time the +fruit-trees planted during the last ten years were in full bearing; the +hedges, which secured the boundaries from dispute, were in good order; +the elms and poplars were growing well. With the new purchases and the +new farming system well under way, the estate of Clochegourde, divided +into four great farms, two of which still needed new houses, was capable +of bringing in forty thousand francs a year, ten thousand for each farm, +not counting the yield of the vineyards, and the two hundred acres of +woodland which adjoined them, nor the profits of the model home-farm. +The roads to the great farms all opened on an avenue which followed a +straight line from Clochegourde to the main road leading to Chinon. +The distance from the entrance of this avenue to Tours was only fifteen +miles; tenants would never be wanting, especially now that everybody was +talking of the count's improvements and the excellent condition of his +land. + +The countess wished to put some fifteen thousand francs into each of +the estates lately purchased, and to turn the present dwellings into two +large farm-houses and buildings, in order that the property might bring +in a better rent after the ground had been cultivated for a year or two. +These ideas, so simple in themselves, but complicated with the thirty +odd thousand francs it was necessary to expend upon them, were just now +the topic of many discussions between herself and the count, sometimes +amounting to bitter quarrels, in which she was sustained by the thought +of her children's interests. The fear, "If I die to-morrow what will +become of them?" made her heart beat. The gentle, peaceful hearts to +whom anger is an impossibility, and whose sole desire is to shed on +those about them their own inward peace, alone know what strength is +needed for such struggles, what demands upon the spirit must be made +before beginning the contest, what weariness ensues when the fight is +over and nothing has been won. At this moment, just as her children +seemed less anemic, less frail, more active (for the fruit season had +had its effect on them), and her moist eyes followed them as they played +about her with a sense of contentment which renewed her strength and +refreshed her heart, the poor woman was called upon to bear the sharp +sarcasms and attacks of an angry opposition. The count, alarmed at the +plans she proposed, denied with stolid obstinacy the advantages of all +she had done and the possibility of doing more. He replied to conclusive +reasoning with the folly of a child who denies the influence of the +sun in summer. The countess, however, carried the day. The victory +of commonsense over insanity so healed her wounds that she forgot the +battle. That day we all went to the Cassine and the Rhetoriere, to +decide upon the buildings. The count walked alone in front, the children +went next, and we ourselves followed slowly, for she was speaking in a +low, gentle tone, which made her words like the murmur of the sea as it +ripples on a smooth beach. + +She was, she said, certain of success. A new line of communication +between Tours and Chinon was to be opened by an active man, a carrier, +a cousin of Manette's, who wanted a large farm on the route. His family +was numerous; the eldest son would drive the carts, the second could +attend to the business, the father living half-way along the road, at +Rabelaye, one of the farms then to let, would look after the relays and +enrich his land with the manure of the stables. As to the other farm, la +Baude, the nearest to Clochegourde, one of their own people, a worthy, +intelligent, and industrious man, who saw the advantages of the new +system of agriculture, was ready to take a lease on it. The Cassine and +the Rhetoriere need give no anxiety; their soil was the very best in the +neighborhood; the farm-houses once built, and the ground brought into +cultivation, it would be quite enough to advertise them at Tours; +tenants would soon apply for them. In two years' time Clochegourde would +be worth at least twenty-four thousand francs a year. Gravelotte, +the farm in Maine, which Monsieur de Mortsauf had recovered after the +emigration, was rented for seven thousand francs a year for nine years; +his pension was four thousand. This income might not be a fortune, but +it was certainly a competence. Later, other additions to it might enable +her to go to Paris and attend to Jacques' education; in two years, she +thought, his health would be established. + +With what feeling she uttered the word "Paris!" I knew her thought; she +wished to be as little separated as possible from her friend. On that I +broke forth; I told her that she did not know me; that without talking +of it, I had resolved to finish my education by working day and night so +as to fit myself to be Jacques' tutor. She looked grave. + +"No, Felix," she said, "that cannot be, any more than your priesthood. +I thank you from my heart as a mother, but as a woman who loves you +sincerely I can never allow you to be the victim of your attachment to +me. Such a position would be a social discredit to you, and I could not +allow it. No! I cannot be an injury to you in any way. You, Vicomte +de Vandenesse, a tutor! You, whose motto is 'Ne se vend!' Were you +Richelieu himself it would bar your way in life; it would give the +utmost pain to your family. My friend, you do not know what insult women +of the world, like my mother, can put into a patronizing glance, what +degradation into a word, what contempt into a bow." + +"But if you love me, what is the world to me?" + +She pretended not to hear, and went on:-- + +"Though my father is most kind and desirous of doing all I ask, he would +never forgive your taking so humble a position; he would refuse you his +protection. I could not consent to your becoming tutor to the Dauphin +even. You must accept society as it is; never commit the fault of flying +in the face of it. My friend, this rash proposal of--" + +"Love," I whispered. + +"No, charity," she said, controlling her tears, "this wild idea +enlightens me as to your character; your heart will be your bane. I +shall claim from this moment the right to teach you certain things. +Let my woman's eye see for you sometimes. Yes, from the solitudes of +Clochegourde I mean to share, silently, contentedly, in your successes. +As to a tutor, do not fear; we shall find some good old abbe, some +learned Jesuit, and my father will gladly devote a handsome sum to the +education of the boy who is to bear his name. Jacques is my pride. He +is, however, eleven years old," she added after a pause. "But it is with +him as with you; when I first saw you I took you to be about thirteen." + +We now reached the Cassine, where Jacques, Madeleine, and I followed her +about as children follow a mother; but we were in her way; I left her +presently and went into the orchard where Martineau the elder, keeper +of the place, was discussing with Martineau the younger, the bailiff, +whether certain trees ought or ought not to be taken down; they were +arguing the matter as if it concerned their own property. I then saw +how much the countess was beloved. I spoke of it to a poor laborer, who, +with one foot on his spade and an elbow on its handle, stood listening +to the two doctors of pomology. + +"Ah, yes, monsieur," he answered, "she is a good woman, and not haughty +like those hussies at Azay, who would see us die like dogs sooner than +yield us one penny of the price of a grave! The day when that woman +leaves these parts the Blessed Virgin will weep, and we too. She knows +what is due to her, but she knows our hardships, too, and she puts them +into the account." + +With what pleasure I gave that man all the money I had. + +A few days later a pony arrived for Jacques, his father, an excellent +horseman, wishing to accustom the child by degrees to the fatigues +of such exercise. The boy had a pretty riding-dress, bought with +the product of the nuts. The morning when he took his first lesson +accompanied by his father and by Madeleine, who jumped and shouted about +the lawn round which Jacques was riding, was a great maternal festival +for the countess. The boy wore a blue collar embroidered by her, a +little sky-blue overcoat fastened by a polished leather belt, a pair of +white trousers pleated at the waist, and a Scotch cap, from which his +fair hair flowed in heavy locks. He was charming to behold. All the +servants clustered round to share the domestic joy. The little heir +smiled at his mother as he passed her, sitting erect, and quite +fearless. This first manly act of a child to whom death had often seemed +so near, the promise of a sound future warranted by this ride which +showed him so handsome, so fresh, so rosy,--what a reward for all her +cares! Then too the joy of the father, who seemed to renew his youth, +and who smiled for the first time in many long months; the pleasure +shown on all faces, the shout of an old huntsman of the Lenoncourts, who +had just arrived from Tours, and who, seeing how the boy held the reins, +shouted to him, "Bravo, monsieur le vicomte!"--all this was too much for +the poor mother, and she burst into tears; she, so calm in her griefs, +was too weak to bear the joy of admiring her boy as he bounded over the +gravel, where so often she had led him in the sunshine inwardly weeping +his expected death. She leaned upon my arm unreservedly, and said: "I +think I have never suffered. Do not leave us to-day." + +The lesson over, Jacques jumped into his mother's arms; she caught +him and held him tightly to her, kissing him passionately. I went with +Madeleine to arrange two magnificent bouquets for the dinner-table +in honor of the young equestrian. When we returned to the salon the +countess said: "The fifteenth of October is certainly a great day with +me. Jacques has taken his first riding lesson, and I have just set the +last stitch in my furniture cover." + +"Then, Blanche," said the count, laughing, "I must pay you for it." + +He offered her his arm and took her to the first courtyard, where stood +an open carriage which her father had sent her, and for which the count +had purchased two English horses. The old huntsman had prepared the +surprise while Jacques was taking his lesson. We got into the carriage, +and went to see where the new avenue entered the main road towards +Chinon. As we returned, the countess said to me in an anxious tone, "I +am too happy; to me happiness is like an illness,--it overwhelms me; I +fear it may vanish like a dream." + +I loved her too passionately not to feel jealous,--I who could give her +nothing! In my rage against myself I longed for some means of dying for +her. She asked me to tell her the thoughts that filled my eyes, and I +told her honestly. She was more touched than by all her presents; then +taking me to the portico, she poured comfort into my heart. "Love me as +my aunt loved me," she said, "and that will be giving me your life; and +if I take it, must I not ever be grateful to you? + +"It was time I finished my tapestry," she added as we re-entered the +salon, where I kissed her hand as if to renew my vows. "Perhaps you do +not know, Felix, why I began so formidable a piece of work. Men find the +occupations of life a great resource against troubles; the management of +affairs distracts their mind; but we poor women have no support within +ourselves against our sorrows. To be able to smile before my children +and my husband when my heart was heavy I felt the need of controlling my +inward sufferings by some physical exercise. In this way I escaped +the depression which is apt to follow a great strain upon the moral +strength, and likewise all outbursts of excitement. The mere action of +lifting my arm regularly as I drew the stitches rocked my thoughts and +gave to my spirit when the tempest raged a monotonous ebb and flow +which seemed to regulate its emotions. To every stitch I confided my +secrets,--you understand me, do you not? Well, while doing my last chair +I have thought much, too much, of you, dear friend. What you have put +into your bouquets I have said in my embroidery." + +The dinner was lovely. Jacques, like all children when you take notice +of them, jumped into my arms when he saw the flowers I had arranged for +him as a garland. His mother pretended to be jealous; ah, Natalie, you +should have seen the charming grace with which the dear child offered +them to her. In the afternoon we played a game of backgammon, I alone +against Monsieur and Madame de Mortsauf, and the count was charming. +They accompanied me along the road to Frapesle in the twilight of a +tranquil evening, one of those harmonious evenings when our feelings +gain in depth what they lose in vivacity. It was a day of days in +this poor woman's life; a spot of brightness which often comforted her +thoughts in painful hours. + +Soon, however, the riding lessons became a subject of contention. The +countess justly feared the count's harsh reprimands to his son. Jacques +grew thin, dark circles surrounded his sweet blue eyes; rather than +trouble his mother, he suffered in silence. I advised him to tell +his father he was tired when the count's temper was violent; but that +expedient proved unavailing, and it became necessary to substitute +the old huntsman as a teacher in place of the father, who could +with difficulty be induced to resign his pupil. Angry reproaches and +contentions began once more; the count found a text for his continual +complaints in the base ingratitude of women; he flung the carriage, +horses, and liveries in his wife's face twenty times a day. At last a +circumstance occurred on which a man with his nature and his disease +naturally fastened eagerly. The cost of the buildings at the Cassine +and the Rhetoriere proved to be half as much again as the estimate. +This news was unfortunately given in the first instance to Monsieur de +Mortsauf instead of to his wife. It was the ground of a quarrel, which +began mildly but grew more and more embittered until it seemed as +though the count's madness, lulled for a short time, was demanding its +arrearages from the poor wife. + +That day I had started from Frapesle at half-past ten to search for +flowers with Madeleine. The child had brought the two vases to the +portico, and I was wandering about the gardens and adjoining meadows +gathering the autumn flowers, so beautiful, but too rare. Returning from +my final quest, I could not find my little lieutenant with her white +cape and broad pink sash; but I heard cries within the house, and +Madeleine presently came running out. + +"The general," she said, crying (the term with her was an expression of +dislike), "the general is scolding mamma; go and defend her." + +I sprang up the steps of the portico and reached the salon without being +seen by either the count or his wife. Hearing the madman's sharp cries +I first shut all the doors, then I returned and found Henriette as white +as her dress. + +"Never marry, Felix," said the count as soon as he saw me; "a woman is +led by the devil; the most virtuous of them would invent evil if it did +not exist; they are all vile." + +Then followed arguments without beginning or end. Harking back to +the old troubles, Monsieur de Mortsauf repeated the nonsense of the +peasantry against the new system of farming. He declared that if he had +had the management of Clochegourde he should be twice as rich as he now +was. He shouted these complaints and insults, he swore, he sprang around +the room knocking against the furniture and displacing it; then in the +middle of a sentence he stopped short, complained that his very marrow +was on fire, his brains melting away like his money, his wife had ruined +him! The countess smiled and looked upward. + +"Yes, Blanche," he cried, "you are my executioner; you are killing me; I +am in your way; you want to get rid of me; you are monster of hypocrisy. +She is smiling! Do you know why she smiles, Felix?" + +I kept silence and looked down. + +"That woman," he continued, answering his own question, "denies me all +happiness; she is no more to me than she is to you, and yet she pretends +to be my wife! She bears my name and fulfils none of the duties which +all laws, human and divine, impose upon her; she lies to God and man. +She obliges me to go long distances, hoping to wear me out and make me +leave her to herself; I am displeasing to her, she hates me; she puts +all her art into keeping me away from her; she has made me mad through +the privations she imposes on me--for everything flies to my poor head; +she is killing me by degrees, and she thinks herself a saint and takes +the sacrament every month!" + +The countess was weeping bitterly, humiliated by the degradation of +the man, to whom she kept saying for all answer, "Monsieur! monsieur! +monsieur!" + +Though the count's words made me blush, more for him than for Henriette, +they stirred my heart violently, for they appealed to the sense of +chastity and delicacy which is indeed the very warp and woof of first +love. + +"She is virgin at my expense," cried the count. + +At these words the countess cried out, "Monsieur!" + +"What do you mean with your imperious 'Monsieur!'" he shouted. "Am I not +your master? Must I teach you that I am?" + +He came towards her, thrusting forward his white wolf's head, now +hideous, for his yellow eyes had a savage expression which made him look +like a wild beast rushing out of a wood. Henriette slid from her chair +to the ground to avoid a blow, which however was not given; she lay at +full length on the floor and lost consciousness, completely exhausted. +The count was like a murderer who feels the blood of his victim spurting +in his face; he stopped short, bewildered. I took the poor woman in my +arms, and the count let me take her, as though he felt unworthy to touch +her; but he went before me to open the door of her bedroom next the +salon,--a sacred room I had never entered. I put the countess on her +feet and held her for a moment in one arm, passing the other round her +waist, while Monsieur de Mortsauf took the eider-down coverlet from the +bed; then together we lifted her and laid her, still dressed, on the +bed. When she came to herself she motioned to us to unfasten her belt. +Monsieur de Mortsauf found a pair of scissors, and cut through it; I +made her breathe salts, and she opened her eyes. The count left the +room, more ashamed than sorry. Two hours passed in perfect silence. +Henriette's hand lay in mine; she pressed it to mine, but could not +speak. From time to time she opened her eyes as if to tell me by a look +that she wished to be still and silent; then suddenly, for an instant, +there seemed a change; she rose on her elbow and whispered, "Unhappy +man!--ah! if you did but know--" + +She fell back upon the pillow. The remembrance of her past sufferings, +joined to the present shock, threw her again into the nervous +convulsions I had just calmed by the magnetism of love,--a power then +unknown to me, but which I used instinctively. I held her with gentle +force, and she gave me a look which made me weep. When the nervous +motions ceased I smoothed her disordered hair, the first and only time +that I ever touched it; then I again took her hand and sat looking +at the room, all brown and gray, at the bed with its simple chintz +curtains, at the toilet table draped in a fashion now discarded, at the +commonplace sofa with its quilted mattress. What poetry I could read +in that room! What renunciations of luxury for herself; the only luxury +being its spotless cleanliness. Sacred cell of a married nun, filled +with holy resignation; its sole adornments were the crucifix of her bed, +and above it the portrait of her aunt; then, on each side of the holy +water basin, two drawings of the children made by herself, with locks +of their hair when they were little. What a retreat for a woman whose +appearance in the great world of fashion would have made the handsomest +of her sex jealous! Such was the chamber where the daughter of an +illustrious family wept out her days, sunken at this moment in anguish, +and denying herself the love that might have comforted her. Hidden, +irreparable woe! Tears of the victim for her slayer, tears of the slayer +for his victim! When the children and waiting-woman came at length into +the room I left it. The count was waiting for me; he seemed to seek me +as a mediating power between himself and his wife. He caught my hands, +exclaiming, "Stay, stay with us, Felix!" + +"Unfortunately," I said, "Monsieur de Chessel has a party, and my +absence would cause remark. But after dinner I will return." + +He left the house when I did, and took me to the lower gate without +speaking; then he accompanied me to Frapesle, seeming not to know what +he was doing. At last I said to him, "For heaven's sake, Monsieur le +comte, let her manage your affairs if it pleases her, and don't torment +her." + +"I have not long to live," he said gravely; "she will not suffer long +through me; my head is giving way." + +He left me in a spasm of involuntary self-pity. After dinner I returned +for news of Madame de Mortsauf, who was already better. If such were the +joys of marriage, if such scenes were frequent, how could she survive +them long? What slow, unpunished murder was this? During that day I +understood the tortures by which the count was wearing out his wife. +Before what tribunal can we arraign such crimes? These thoughts stunned +me; I could say nothing to Henriette by word of mouth, but I spent the +night in writing to her. Of the three or four letters that I wrote I +have kept only the beginning of one, with which I was not satisfied. +Here it is, for though it seems to me to express nothing, and to speak +too much of myself when I ought only to have thought of her, it will +serve to show you the state my soul was in:-- + + To Madame de Mortsauf: + + How many things I had to say to you when I reached the house! I + thought of them on the way, but I forgot them in your presence. + Yes, when I see you, dear Henriette, I find my thoughts no longer + in keeping with the light from your soul which heightens your + beauty; then, too, the happiness of being near you is so ineffable + as to efface all other feelings. Each time we meet I am born into + a broader life; I am like the traveller who climbs a rock and sees + before him a new horizon. Each time you talk with me I add new + treasures to my treasury. There lies, I think, the secret of long + and inexhaustible affections. I can only speak to you of yourself + when away from you. In your presence I am too dazzled to see, too + happy to question my happiness, too full of you to be myself, too + eloquent through you to speak, too eager in seizing the present + moment to remember the past. You must think of this state of + intoxication and forgive me its consequent mistakes. + + When near you I can only feel. Yet, I have courage to say, dear + Henriette, that never, in all the many joys you have given me, + never did I taste such joy as filled my soul when, after that + dreadful storm through which you struggled with superhuman + courage, you came to yourself alone with me, in the twilight of + your chamber where that unhappy scene had brought me. I alone + know the light that shines from a woman when through the portals + of death she re-enters life with the dawn of a rebirth tinting her + brow. What harmonies were in your voice! How words, even your + words, seemed paltry when the sound of that adored voice--in + itself the echo of past pains mingled with divine consolations + --blessed me with the gift of your first thought. I knew you were + brilliant with all human splendor, but yesterday I found a new + Henriette, who might be mine if God so willed; I beheld a spirit + freed from the bodily trammels which repress the ardors of the + soul. Ah! thou wert beautiful indeed in thy weakness, majestic in + thy prostration. Yesterday I found something more beautiful than + thy beauty, sweeter than thy voice; lights more sparkling than the + light of thine eyes, perfumes for which there are no words + --yesterday thy soul was visible and palpable. Would I could have + opened my heart and made thee live there! Yesterday I lost the + respectful timidity with which thy presence inspires me; thy + weakness brought us nearer together. Then, when the crisis passed + and thou couldst bear our atmosphere once more, I knew what it was + to breathe in unison with thy breath. How many prayers rose up to + heaven in that moment! Since I did not die as I rushed through + space to ask of God that he would leave thee with me, no human + creature can die of joy nor yet of sorrow. That moment has left + memories buried in my soul which never again will reappear upon + its surface and leave me tearless. Yes, the fears with which my + soul was tortured yesterday are incomparably greater than all + sorrows that the future can bring upon me, just as the joys which + thou hast given me, dear eternal thought of my life! will be + forever greater than any future joy God may be pleased to grant + me. Thou hast made me comprehend the love divine, that sure love, + sure in strength and in duration, that knows no doubt or jealousy. + +Deepest melancholy gnawed my soul; the glimpse into that hidden life was +agonizing to a young heart new to social emotions; it was an awful thing +to find this abyss at the opening of life,--a bottomless abyss, a Dead +Sea. This dreadful aggregation of misfortunes suggested many thoughts; +at my first step into social life I found a standard of comparison by +which all other events and circumstances must seem petty. + +The next day when I entered the salon she was there alone. She looked at +me for a moment, held out her hand, and said, "My friend is always too +tender." Her eyes grew moist; she rose, and then she added, in a tone of +desperate entreaty, "Never write thus to me again." + +Monsieur de Mortsauf was very kind. The countess had recovered her +courage and serenity; but her pallor betrayed the sufferings of the +previous night, which were calmed, but not extinguished. That evening +she said to me, as she paced among the autumn leaves which rustled +beneath our footsteps, "Sorrow is infinite; joys are limited,"--words +which betrayed her sufferings by the comparison she made with the +fleeting delights of the previous week. + +"Do not slander life," I said to her. "You are ignorant of love; love +gives happiness which shines in heaven." + +"Hush!" she said. "I wish to know nothing of it. The Icelander would +die in Italy. I am calm and happy beside you; I can tell you all my +thoughts; do not destroy my confidence. Why will you not combine the +virtue of the priest with the charm of a free man." + +"You make me drink the hemlock!" I cried, taking her hand and laying it +on my heart, which was beating fast. + +"Again!" she said, withdrawing her hand as if it pained her. "Are you +determined to deny me the sad comfort of letting my wounds be stanched +by a friendly hand? Do not add to my sufferings; you do not know them +all; those that are hidden are the worst to bear. If you were a woman +you would know the melancholy disgust that fills her soul when she +sees herself the object of attentions which atone for nothing, but are +thought to atone for all. For the next few days I shall be courted and +caressed, that I may pardon the wrong that has been done. I could +then obtain consent to any wish of mine, however unreasonable. I am +humiliated by his humility, by caresses which will cease as soon as +he imagines that I have forgotten that scene. To owe our master's good +graces to his faults--" + +"His crimes!" I interrupted quickly. + +"Is not that a frightful condition of existence?" she continued, with a +sad smile. "I cannot use this transient power. At such times I am like +the knights who could not strike a fallen adversary. To see in the dust +a man whom we ought to honor, to raise him only to enable him to +deal other blows, to suffer from his degradation more than he suffers +himself, to feel ourselves degraded if we profit by such influence for +even a useful end, to spend our strength, to waste the vigor of our +souls in struggles that have no grandeur, to have no power except for a +moment when a fatal crisis comes--ah, better death! If I had no children +I would let myself drift on the wretched current of this life; but if I +lose my courage, what will become of them? I must live for them, however +cruel this life may be. You talk to me of love. Ah! my dear friend, +think of the hell into which I should fling myself if I gave that +pitiless being, pitiless like all weak creatures, the right to despise +me. The purity of my conduct is my strength. Virtue, dear friend, is +holy water in which we gain fresh strength, from which we issue renewed +in the love of God." + +"Listen to me, dear Henriette; I have only another week to stay here, +and I wish--" + +"Ah, you mean to leave us!" she exclaimed. + +"You must know what my father intends to do with me," I replied. "It is +now three months--" + +"I have not counted the days," she said, with momentary +self-abandonment. Then she checked herself and cried, "Come, let us go +to Frapesle." + +She called the count and the children, sent for a shawl, and when all +were ready she, usually so calm and slow in all her movements, became +as active as a Parisian, and we started in a body to pay a visit at +Frapesle which the countess did not owe. She forced herself to talk to +Madame de Chessel, who was fortunately discursive in her answers. The +count and Monsieur de Chessel conversed on business. I was afraid the +former might boast of his carriage and horses; but he committed no such +solecisms. His neighbor questioned him about his projected improvements +at the Cassine and the Rhetoriere. I looked at the count, wondering if +he would avoid a subject of conversation so full of painful memories +to all, so cruelly mortifying to him. On the contrary, he explained how +urgent a duty it was to better the agricultural condition of the canton, +to build good houses and make the premises salubrious; in short, he +glorified himself with his wife's ideas. I blushed as I looked at +her. Such want of scruple in a man who, on certain occasions, could be +scrupulous enough, this oblivion of the dreadful scene, this adoption of +ideas against which he had fought so violently, this confident belief in +himself, petrified me. + +When Monsieur de Chessel said to him, "Do you expect to recover your +outlay?" + +"More than recover it!" he exclaimed, with a confident gesture. + +Such contradictions can be explained only by the word "insanity." +Henriette, celestial creature, was radiant. The count was appearing +to be a man of intelligence, a good administrator, an excellent +agriculturist; she played with her boy's curly head, joyous for him, +happy for herself. What a comedy of pain, what mockery in this drama; +I was horrified by it. Later in life, when the curtain of the world's +stage was lifted before me, how many other Mortsaufs I saw without the +loyalty and the religious faith of this man. What strange, relentless +power is it that perpetually awards an angel to a madman; to a man of +heart, of true poetic passion, a base woman; to the petty, grandeur; +to this demented brain, a beautiful, sublime being; to Juana, Captain +Diard, whose history at Bordeaux I have told you; to Madame de +Beauseant, an Ajuda; to Madame d'Aiglemont, her husband; to the Marquis +d'Espard, his wife! Long have I sought the meaning of this enigma. I +have ransacked many mysteries, I have discovered the reason of many +natural laws, the purport of some divine hieroglyphics; of the meaning +of this dark secret I know nothing. I study it as I would the form of an +Indian weapon, the symbolic construction of which is known only to the +Brahmans. In this dread mystery the spirit of Evil is too visibly the +master; I dare not lay the blame to God. Anguish irremediable, what +power finds amusement in weaving you? Can Henriette and her mysterious +philosopher be right? Does their mysticism contain the explanation of +humanity? + +The autumn leaves were falling during the last few days which I passed +in the valley, days of lowering clouds, which do sometimes obscure the +heaven of Touraine, so pure, so warm at that fine season. The evening +before my departure Madame de Mortsauf took me to the terrace before +dinner. + +"My dear Felix," she said, after we had taken a turn in silence under +the leafless trees, "you are about to enter the world, and I wish to go +with you in thought. Those who have suffered much have lived and known +much. Do not think that solitary souls know nothing of the world; on the +contrary, they are able to judge it. Hear me: If I am to live in and +for my friend I must do what I can for his heart and for his conscience. +When the conflict rages it is hard to remember rules; therefore let me +give you a few instructions, the warnings of a mother to her son. The +day you leave us I shall give you a letter, a long letter, in which you +will find my woman's thoughts on the world, on society, on men, on +the right methods of meeting difficulty in this great clash of human +interests. Promise me not to read this letter till you reach Paris. I +ask it from a fanciful sentiment, one of those secrets of womanhood not +impossible to understand, but which we grieve to find deciphered; leave +me this covert way where as a woman I wish to walk alone." + +"Yes, I promise it," I said, kissing her hand. + +"Ah," she added, "I have one more promise to ask of you; but grant it +first." + +"Yes, yes!" I cried, thinking it was surely a promise of fidelity. + +"It does not concern myself," she said smiling, with some bitterness. +"Felix, do not gamble in any house, no matter whose it be; I except +none." + +"I will never play at all," I replied. + +"Good," she said. "I have found a better use for your time than to waste +it on cards. The end will be that where others must sooner or later be +losers you will invariably win." + +"How so?" + +"The letter will tell you," she said, with a playful smile, which took +from her advice the serious tone which might certainly have been that of +a grandfather. + +The countess talked to me for an hour, and proved the depth of her +affection by the study she had made of my nature during the last three +months. She penetrated the recesses of my heart, entering it with her +own; the tones of her voice were changeful and convincing; the words +fell from maternal lips, showing by their tone as well as by their +meaning how many ties already bound us to each other. + +"If you knew," she said in conclusion, "with what anxiety I shall follow +your course, what joy I shall feel if you walk straight, what tears I +must shed if you strike against the angles! Believe that my affection +has no equal; it is involuntary and yet deliberate. Ah, I would that I +might see you happy, powerful, respected,--you who are to me a living +dream." + +She made me weep, so tender and so terrible was she. Her feelings came +boldly to the surface, yet they were too pure to give the slightest hope +even to a young man thirsting for pleasure. Ignoring my tortured flesh, +she shed the rays, undeviating, incorruptible, of the divine love, +which satisfies the soul only. She rose to heights whither the prismatic +pinions of a love like mine were powerless to bear me. To reach her a +man must needs have won the white wings of the seraphim. + +"In all that happens to me I will ask myself," I said, "'What would my +Henriette say?'" + +"Yes, I will be the star and the sanctuary both," she said, alluding to +the dreams of my childhood. + +"You are my light and my religion," I cried; "you shall be my all." + +"No," she answered; "I can never be the source of your pleasures." + +She sighed; the smile of secret pain was on her lips, the smile of the +slave who momentarily revolts. From that day forth she was to me, not +merely my beloved, but my only love; she was not IN my heart as a +woman who takes a place, who makes it hers by devotion or by excess +of pleasure given; but she was my heart itself,--it was all hers, a +something necessary to the play of my muscles. She became to me as +Beatrice to the Florentine, as the spotless Laura to the Venetian, the +mother of great thoughts, the secret cause of resolutions which saved +me, the support of my future, the light shining in the darkness like a +lily in a wood. Yes, she inspired those high resolves which pass through +flames, which save the thing in peril; she gave me a constancy like +Coligny's to vanquish conquerors, to rise above defeat, to weary the +strongest wrestler. + +The next day, having breakfasted at Frapesle and bade adieu to my kind +hosts, I went to Clochegourde. Monsieur and Madame de Mortsauf had +arranged to drive with me to Tours, whence I was to start the same night +for Paris. During the drive the countess was silent; she pretended +at first to have a headache; then she blushed at the falsehood, and +expiated it by saying that she could not see me go without regret. +The count invited me to stay with them whenever, in the absence of the +Chessels, I might long to see the valley of the Indre once more. We +parted heroically, without apparent tears, but Jacques, who like other +delicate children was quickly touched, began to cry, while Madeleine, +already a woman, pressed her mother's hand. + +"Dear little one!" said the countess, kissing Jacques passionately. + +When I was alone at Tours after dinner a wild, inexplicable desire known +only to young blood possessed me. I hired a horse and rode from Tours +to Pont-de-Ruan in an hour and a quarter. There, ashamed of my folly, I +dismounted, and went on foot along the road, stepping cautiously like +a spy till I reached the terrace. The countess was not there, and I +imagined her ill; I had kept the key of the little gate, by which I +now entered; she was coming down the steps of the portico with the two +children to breathe in sadly and slowly the tender melancholy of the +landscape, bathed at that moment in the setting sun. + +"Mother, here is Felix," said Madeleine. + +"Yes," I whispered; "it is I. I asked myself why I should stay at Tours +while I still could see you; why not indulge a desire that in a few days +more I could not gratify." + +"He won't leave us again, mother," cried Jacques, jumping round me. + +"Hush!" said Madeleine; "if you make such a noise the general will +come." + +"It is not right," she said. "What folly!" + +The tears in her voice were the payment of what must be called a +usurious speculation of love. + +"I had forgotten to return this key," I said smiling. + +"Then you will never return," she said. + +"Can we ever be really parted?" I asked, with a look which made her drop +her eyelids for all answer. + +I left her after a few moments passed in that happy stupor of the spirit +where exaltation ends and ecstasy begins. I went with lagging step, +looking back at every minute. When, from the summit of the hill, I saw +the valley for the last time I was struck with the contrast it presented +to what it was when I first came there. Then it was verdant, then it +glowed, glowed and blossomed like my hopes and my desires. Initiated now +into the gloomy secrets of a family, sharing the anguish of a Christian +Niobe, sad with her sadness, my soul darkened, I saw the valley in the +tone of my own thoughts. The fields were bare, the leaves of the poplars +falling, the few that remained were rusty, the vine-stalks were burned, +the tops of the trees were tan-colored, like the robes in which royalty +once clothed itself as if to hide the purple of its power beneath the +brown of grief. Still in harmony with my thoughts, the valley, where the +yellow rays of the setting sun were coldly dying, seemed to me a living +image of my heart. + +To leave a beloved woman is terrible or natural, according as the mind +takes it. For my part, I found myself suddenly in a strange land of +which I knew not the language. I was unable to lay hold of things to +which my soul no longer felt attachment. Then it was that the height +and the breadth of my love came before me; my Henriette rose in all her +majesty in this desert where I existed only through thoughts of her. +That form so worshipped made me vow to keep myself spotless before my +soul's divinity, to wear ideally the white robe of the Levite, like +Petrarch, who never entered Laura's presence unless clothed in white. +With what impatience I awaited the first night of my return to my +father's roof, when I could read the letter which I felt of during the +journey as a miser fingers the bank-bills he carries about him. During +the night I kissed the paper on which my Henriette had manifested her +will; I sought to gather the mysterious emanations of her hand, to +recover the intonations of her voice in the hush of my being. Since then +I have never read her letters except as I read that first letter; in +bed, amid total silence. I cannot understand how the letters of our +beloved can be read in any other way; yet there are men, unworthy to +be loved, who read such letters in the turmoil of the day, laying them +aside and taking them up again with odious composure. + +Here, Natalie, is the voice which echoed through the silence of that +night. Behold the noble figure which stood before me and pointed to the +right path among the cross-ways at which I stood. + + To Monsieur le Vicomte Felix de Vandenesse: + + What happiness for me, dear friend, to gather the scattered + elements of my experience that I may arm you against the dangers + of the world, through which I pray that you pass scatheless. I + have felt the highest pleasures of maternal love as night after + night I have thought of these things. While writing this letter, + sentence by sentence, projecting my thoughts into the life you are + about to lead, I went often to my window. Looking at the towers of + Frapesle, visible in the moonlight, I said to myself, "He sleeps, + I wake for him." Delightful feelings! which recall the happiest of + my life, when I watched Jacques sleeping in his cradle and waited + till he wakened, to feed him with my milk. You are the man-child + whose soul must now be strengthened by precepts never taught in + schools, but which we women have the privilege of inculcating. + These precepts will influence your success; they prepare the way + for it, they will secure it. Am I not exercising a spiritual + motherhood in giving you a standard by which to judge the actions + of your life; a motherhood comprehended, is it not, by the child? + Dear Felix, let me, even though I may make a few mistakes, let me + give to our friendship a proof of the disinterestedness which + sanctifies it. + + In yielding you to the world I am renouncing you; but I love you + too well not to sacrifice my happiness to your welfare. For the + last four months you have made me reflect deeply on the laws and + customs which regulate our epoch. The conversations I have had + with my aunt, well-known to you who have replaced her, the events + of Monsieur de Mortsauf's life, which he has told me, the tales + related by my father, to whom society and the court are familiar + in their greatest as well as in their smallest aspects, all these + have risen in my memory for the benefit of my adopted child at the + moment when he is about to be launched, well-nigh alone, among + men; about to act without adviser in a world where many are + wrecked by their own best qualities thoughtlessly displayed, while + others succeed through a judicious use of their worst. + + I ask you to ponder this statement of my opinion of society as a + whole; it is concise, for to you a few words are sufficient. + + I do not know whether societies are of divine origin or whether + they were invented by man. I am equally ignorant of the direction + in which they tend. What I do know certainly is the fact of their + existence. No sooner therefore do you enter society, instead of + living a life apart, than you are bound to consider its conditions + binding; a contract is signed between you. Does society in these + days gain more from a man than it returns to him? I think so; but + as to whether the individual man finds more cost than profit, or + buys too dear the advantages he obtains, concerns the legislator + only; I have nothing to say to that. In my judgment you are bound + to obey in all things the general law, without discussion, whether + it injures or benefits your personal interests. This principle may + seem to you a very simple one, but it is difficult of application; + it is like sap, which must infiltrate the smallest of the + capillary tubes to stir the tree, renew its verdure, develop its + flowers, and ripen fruit. Dear, the laws of society are not all + written in a book; manners and customs create laws, the more + important of which are often the least known. Believe me, there + are neither teachers, nor schools, nor text-books for the laws + that are now to regulate your actions, your language, your visible + life, the manner of your presentation to the world, and your quest + of fortune. Neglect those secret laws or fail to understand them, + and you stay at the foot of the social system instead of looking + down upon it. Even though this letter may seem to you diffuse, + telling you much that you have already thought, let me confide to + you a woman's ethics. + + To explain society on the theory of individual happiness adroitly + won at the cost of the greater number is a monstrous doctrine, + which in its strict application leads men to believe that all they + can secretly lay hold of before the law or society or other + individuals condemn it as a wrong is honestly and fairly theirs. + Once admit that claim and the clever thief goes free; the woman + who violates her marriage vow without the knowledge of the world + is virtuous and happy; kill a man, leaving no proof for justice, + and if, like Macbeth, you win a crown you have done wisely; your + selfish interests become the higher law; the only question then is + how to evade, without witnesses or proof, the obstacles which law + and morality place between you and your self-indulgence. To those + who hold this view of society, the problem of making their + fortune, my dear friend, resolves itself into playing a game where + the stakes are millions or the galleys, political triumphs or + dishonor. Still, the green cloth is not long enough for all the + players, and a certain kind of genius is required to play the + game. I say nothing of religious beliefs, nor yet of feelings; + what concerns us now is the running-gear of the great machine of + gold and iron, and its practical results with which men's lives + are occupied. Dear child of my heart, if you share my horror at + this criminal theory of the world, society will present to your + mind, as it does to all sane minds, the opposite theory of duty. + Yes, you will see that man owes himself to man in a thousand + differing ways. To my mind, the duke and peer owe far more to the + workman and the pauper than the pauper and the workman owe to the + duke. The obligations of duty enlarge in proportion to the + benefits which society bestows on men; in accordance with the + maxim, as true in social politics as in business, that the burden + of care and vigilance is everywhere in proportion to profits. Each + man pays his debt in his own way. When our poor toiler at the + Rhetoriere comes home weary with his day's work has he not done + his duty? Assuredly he has done it better than many in the ranks + above him. + + If you take this view of society, in which you are about to seek a + place in keeping with your intellect and your faculties, you must + set before you as a generating principle and mainspring, this + maxim: never permit yourself to act against either your own + conscience or the public conscience. Though my entreaty may seem + to you superfluous, yet I entreat, yes, your Henriette implores + you to ponder the meaning of that rule. It seems simple but, dear, + it means that integrity, loyalty, honor, and courtesy are the + safest and surest instruments for your success. In this selfish + world you will find many to tell you that a man cannot make his + way by sentiments, that too much respect for moral considerations + will hinder his advance. It is not so; you will see men + ill-trained, ill-taught, incapable of measuring the future, who are + rough to a child, rude to an old woman, unwilling to be irked by + some worthy old man on the ground that they can do nothing for + him; later, you will find the same men caught by the thorns which + they might have rendered pointless, and missing their triumph for + some trivial reason; whereas the man who is early trained to a + sense of duty does not meet the same obstacles; he may attain + success less rapidly, but when attained it is solid and does not + crumble like that of others. + + When I show you that the application of this doctrine demands in + the first place a mastery of the science of manners, you may think + my jurisprudence has a flavor of the court and of the training I + received as a Lenoncourt. My dear friend, I do attach great + importance to that training, trifling as it seems. You will find + that the habits of the great world are as important to you as the + wide and varied knowledge that you possess. Often they take the + place of such knowledge; for some really ignorant men, born with + natural gifts and accustomed to give connection to their ideas, + have been known to attain a grandeur never reached by others far + more worthy of it. I have studied you thoroughly, Felix, wishing + to know if your education, derived wholly from schools, has + injured your nature. God knows the joy with which I find you fit + for that further education of which I speak. + + The manners of many who are brought up in the traditions of the + great world are purely external; true politeness, perfect manners, + come from the heart, and from a deep sense of personal dignity. + This is why some men of noble birth are, in spite of their + training, ill-mannered, while others, among the middle classes, + have instinctive good taste and only need a few lessons to give + them excellent manners without any signs of awkward imitation. + Believe a poor woman who no longer leaves her valley when she + tells you that this dignity of tone, this courteous simplicity in + words, in gesture, in bearing, and even in the character of the + home, is a living and material poem, the charm of which is + irresistible; imagine therefore what it is when it takes its + inspiration from the heart. Politeness, dear, consists in seeming + to forget ourselves for others; with many it is social cant, laid + aside when personal self-interest shows its cloven-foot; a noble + then becomes ignoble. But--and this is what I want you to + practise, Felix--true politeness involves a Christian principle; + it is the flower of Love, it requires that we forget ourselves + really. In memory of your Henriette, for her sake, be not a + fountain without water, have the essence and the form of true + courtesy. Never fear to be the dupe and victim of this social + virtue; you will some day gather the fruit of seeds scattered + apparently to the winds. + + My father used to say that one of the great offences of sham + politeness was the neglect of promises. When anything is demanded + of you that you cannot do, refuse positively and leave no + loopholes for false hopes; on the other hand, grant at once + whatever you are willing to bestow. Your prompt refusal will make + you friends as well as your prompt benefit, and your character + will stand the higher; for it is hard to say whether a promise + forgotten, a hope deceived does not make us more enemies than a + favor granted brings us friends. + + Dear friend, there are certain little matters on which I may + dwell, for I know them, and it comes within my province to impart + them. Be not too confiding, nor frivolous, nor over enthusiastic, + --three rocks on which youth often strikes. Too confiding a nature + loses respect, frivolity brings contempt, and others take + advantage of excessive enthusiasm. In the first place, Felix, you + will never have more than two or three friends in the course of + your life. Your entire confidence is their right; to give it to + many is to betray your real friends. If you are more intimate with + some men than with others keep guard over yourself; be as cautious + as though you knew they would one day be your rivals, or your + enemies; the chances and changes of life require this. Maintain an + attitude which is neither cold nor hot; find the medium point at + which a man can safely hold intercourse with others without + compromising himself. Yes, believe me, the honest man is as far + from the base cowardice of Philinte as he is from the harsh virtue + of Alceste. The genius of the poet is displayed in the mind of + this true medium; certainly all minds do enjoy more the ridicule + of virtue than the sovereign contempt of easy-going selfishness + which underlies that picture of it; but all, nevertheless, are + prompted to keep themselves from either extreme. + + As to frivolity, if it causes fools to proclaim you a charming + man, others who are accustomed to judge of men's capacities and + fathom character, will winnow out your tare and bring you to + disrepute, for frivolity is the resource of weak natures, and + weakness is soon appraised in a society which regards its members + as nothing more than organs--and perhaps justly, for nature + herself puts to death imperfect beings. A woman's protecting + instincts may be roused by the pleasure she feels in supporting + the weak against the strong, and in leading the intelligence of + the heart to victory over the brutality of matter; but society, + less a mother than a stepmother, adores only the children who + flatter her vanity. + + As to ardent enthusiasm, that first sublime mistake of youth, + which finds true happiness in using its powers, and begins by + being its own dupe before it is the dupe of others, keep it within + the region of the heart's communion, keep it for woman and for + God. Do not hawk its treasures in the bazaars of society or of + politics, where trumpery will be offered in exchange for them. + Believe the voice which commands you to be noble in all things + when it also prays you not to expend your forces uselessly. + Unhappily, men will rate you according to your usefulness, and not + according to your worth. To use an image which I think will strike + your poetic mind, let a cipher be what it may, immeasurable in + size, written in gold, or written in pencil, it is only a cipher + after all. A man of our times has said, "No zeal, above all, no + zeal!" The lesson may be sad, but it is true, and it saves the + soul from wasting its bloom. Hide your pure sentiments, or put + them in regions inaccessible, where their blossoms may be + passionately admired, where the artist may dream amorously of his + master-piece. But duties, my friend, are not sentiments. To do + what we ought is by no means to do what we like. A man who would + give his life enthusiastically for a woman must be ready to die + coldly for his country. + + One of the most important rules in the science of manners is that + of almost absolute silence about ourselves. Play a little comedy + for your own instruction; talk of yourself to acquaintances, tell + them about your sufferings, your pleasures, your business, and you + will see how indifference succeeds pretended interest; then + annoyance follows, and if the mistress of the house does not find + some civil way of stopping you the company will disappear under + various pretexts adroitly seized. Would you, on the other hand, + gather sympathies about you and be spoken of as amiable and witty, + and a true friend? talk to others of themselves, find a way to + bring them forward, and brows will clear, lips will smile, and + after you leave the room all present will praise you. Your + conscience and the voice of your own heart will show you the line + where the cowardice of flattery begins and the courtesy of + intercourse ceases. + + One word more about a young man's demeanor in public. My dear + friend, youth is always inclined to a rapidity of judgment which + does it honor, but also injury. This was why the old system of + education obliged young people to keep silence and study life in a + probationary period beside their elders. Formerly, as you know, + nobility, like art, had its apprentices, its pages, devoted body + and soul to the masters who maintained them. To-day youth is + forced in a hot-house; it is trained to judge of thoughts, + actions, and writings with biting severity; it slashes with a + blade that has not been fleshed. Do not make this mistake. Such + judgments will seem like censures to many about you, who would + sooner pardon an open rebuke than a secret wound. Young people are + pitiless because they know nothing of life and its difficulties. + The old critic is kind and considerate, the young critic is + implacable; the one knows nothing, the other knows all. Moreover, + at the bottom of all human actions there is a labyrinth of + determining reasons on which God reserves for himself the final + judgment. Be severe therefore to none but yourself. + + Your future is before you; but no one in the world can make his + way unaided. Therefore, make use of my father's house; its doors + are open to you; the connections that you will create for yourself + under his roof will serve you in a hundred ways. But do not yield + an inch of ground to my mother; she will crush any one who gives + up to her, but she will admire the courage of whoever resists her. + She is like iron, which if beaten, can be fused with iron, but + when cold will break everything less hard than itself. Cultivate + my mother; for if she thinks well of you she will introduce you + into certain houses where you can acquire the fatal science of the + world, the art of listening, speaking, answering, presenting + yourself to the company and taking leave of it; the precise use of + language, the something--how shall I explain it?--which is no more + superiority than the coat is the man, but without which the + highest talent in the world will never be admitted within those + portals. + + I know you well enough to be quite sure I indulge no illusion when + I imagine that I see you as I wish you to be; simple in manners, + gentle in tone, proud without conceit, respectful to the old, + courteous without servility, above all, discreet. Use your wit but + never display it for the amusement of others; for be sure that if + your brilliancy annoys an inferior man, he will retire from the + field and say of you in a tone of contempt, "He is very amusing." + Let your superiority be leonine. Moreover, do not be always + seeking to please others. I advise a certain coldness in your + relations with men, which may even amount to indifference; this + will not anger others, for all persons esteem those who slight + them; and it will win you the favor of women, who will respect you + for the little consequence that you attach to men. Never remain in + company with those who have lost their reputation, even though + they may not have deserved to do so; for society holds us + responsible for our friendships as well as for our enmities. In + this matter let your judgments be slowly and maturely weighed, but + see that they are irrevocable. When the men whom you have repulsed + justify the repulsion, your esteem and regard will be all the more + sought after; you have inspired the tacit respect which raises a + man among his peers. I behold you now armed with a youth that + pleases, grace which attracts, and wisdom with which to preserve + your conquests. All that I have now told you can be summed up in + two words, two old-fashioned words, "Noblesse oblige." + + Now apply these precepts to the management of life. You will hear + many persons say that strategy is the chief element of success; + that the best way to press through the crowd is to set some men + against other men and so take their places. That was a good system + for the Middle Ages, when princes had to destroy their rivals by + pitting one against the other; but in these days, all things being + done in open day, I am afraid it would do you ill-service. No, you + must meet your competitors face to face, be they loyal and true + men, or traitorous enemies whose weapons are calumny, + evil-speaking, and fraud. But remember this, you have no more + powerful auxiliaries than these men themselves; they are their own + enemies; fight them with honest weapons, and sooner or later they + are condemned. As to the first of them, loyal men and true, your + straightforwardness will obtain their respect, and the differences + between you once settled (for all things can be settled), these + men will serve you. Do not be afraid of making enemies; woe to him + who has none in the world you are about to enter; but try to give + no handle for ridicule or disparagement. I say _try_, for in Paris a + man cannot always belong solely to himself; he is sometimes at the + mercy of circumstances; you will not always be able to avoid the + mud in the gutter nor the tile that falls from the roof. The moral + world has gutters where persons of no reputation endeavor to + splash the mud in which they live upon men of honor. But you can + always compel respect by showing that you are, under all + circumstances, immovable in your principles. In the conflict of + opinions, in the midst of quarrels and cross-purposes, go straight + to the point, keep resolutely to the question; never fight except + for the essential thing, and put your whole strength into that. + You know how Monsieur de Mortsauf hates Napoleon, how he curses + him and pursues him as justice does a criminal; demanding + punishment day and night for the death of the Duc d'Enghien, the + only death, the only misfortune, that ever brought the tears to + his eyes; well, he nevertheless admired him as the greatest of + captains, and has often explained to me his strategy. May not the + same tactics be applied to the war of human interests; they would + economize time as heretofore they economized men and space. Think + this over, for as a woman I am liable to be mistaken on such + points which my sex judges only by instinct and sentiment. One + point, however, I may insist on; all trickery, all deception, is + certain to be discovered and to result in doing harm; whereas + every situation presents less danger if a man plants himself + firmly on his own truthfulness. If I may cite my own case, I can + tell you that, obliged as I am by Monsieur de Mortsauf's condition + to avoid litigation and to bring to an immediate settlement all + difficulties which arise in the management of Clochegourde, and + which would otherwise cause him an excitement under which his mind + would succumb, I have invariably settled matters promptly by + taking hold of the knot of the difficulty and saying to our + opponents: "We will either untie it or cut it!" + + It will often happen that you do a service to others and find + yourself ill-rewarded; I beg you not to imitate those who complain + of men and declare them to be all ungrateful. That is putting + themselves on a pedestal indeed! and surely it is somewhat silly + to admit their lack of knowledge of the world. But you, I trust, + will not do good as a usurer lends his money; you will do it--will + you not?--for good's sake. Noblesse oblige. Nevertheless, do not + bestow such services as to force others to ingratitude, for if you + do, they will become your most implacable enemies; obligations + sometimes lead to despair, like the despair of ruin itself, which + is capable of very desperate efforts. As for yourself, accept as + little as you can from others. Be no man's vassal; and bring + yourself out of your own difficulties. + + You see, dear friend, I am advising you only on the lesser points + of life. In the world of politics things wear a different aspect; + the rules which are to guide your individual steps give way before + the national interests. If you reach that sphere where great men + revolve you will be, like God himself, the sole arbiter of your + determinations. You will no longer be a man, but law, the living + law; no longer an individual, you are then the Nation incarnate. + But remember this, though you judge, you will yourself be judged; + hereafter you will be summoned before the ages, and you know + history well enough to be fully informed as to what deeds and what + sentiments have led to true grandeur. + + I now come to a serious matter, your conduct towards women. + Wherever you visit make it a principle not to fritter yourself + away in a petty round of gallantry. A man of the last century who + had great social success never paid attention to more than one + woman of an evening, choosing the one who seemed the most + neglected. That man, my dear child, controlled his epoch. He + wisely reckoned that by a given time all women would speak well of + him. Many young men waste their most precious possession, namely, + the time necessary to create connections which contribute more + than all else to social success. Your springtime is short, + endeavor to make the most of it. Cultivate influential women. + Influential women are old women; they will teach you the + intermarriages and the secrets of all the families of the great + world; they will show you the cross-roads which will bring you + soonest to your goal. They will be fond of you. The bestowal of + protection is their last form of love--when they are not devout. + They will do you innumerable good services; sing your praises and + make you desirable to society. Avoid young women. Do not think I + say this from personal self-interest. The woman of fifty will do + all for you, the woman of twenty will do nothing; she wants your + whole life while the other asks only a few attentions. Laugh with + the young women, meet them for pastime merely; they are incapable + of serious thought. Young women, dear friend, are selfish, vain, + petty, ignorant of true friendship; they love no one but + themselves; they would sacrifice you to an evening's success. + Besides, they all want absolute devotion, and your present + situation requires that devotion be shown to you; two + irreconcilable needs! None of these young women would enter into + your interests; they would think of themselves and not of you; + they would injure you more by their emptiness and frivolity than + they could serve you by their love; they will waste your time + unscrupulously, hinder your advance to fortune, and end by + destroying your future with the best grace possible. If you + complain, the silliest of them will make you think that her glove + is more precious than fortune, and that nothing is so glorious as + to be her slave. They will all tell you that they bestow + happiness, and thus lull you to forget your nobler destiny. + Believe me, the happiness they give is transitory; your great + career will endure. You know not with what perfidious cleverness + they contrive to satisfy their caprices, nor the art with which + they will convert your passing fancy into a love which ought to be + eternal. The day when they abandon you they will tell you that the + words, "I no longer love you," are a full justification of their + conduct, just as the words, "I love," justified their winning you; + they will declare that love is involuntary and not to be coerced. + Absurd! Believe me, dear, true love is eternal, infinite, always + like unto itself; it is equable, pure, without violent + demonstration; white hair often covers the head but the heart that + holds it is ever young. No such love is found among the women of + the world; all are playing comedy; this one will interest you by + her misfortunes; she seems the gentlest and least exacting of her + sex, but when once she is necessary to you, you will feel the + tyranny of weakness and will do her will; you may wish to be a + diplomat, to go and come, and study men and interests,--no, you + must stay in Paris, or at her country-place, sewn to her + petticoat, and the more devotion you show the more ungrateful and + exacting she will be. Another will attract you by her + submissiveness; she will be your attendant, follow you + romantically about, compromise herself to keep you, and be the + millstone about your neck. You will drown yourself some day, but + the woman will come to the surface. + + The least manoeuvring of these women of the world have many nets. + The silliest triumph because too foolish to excite distrust. The + one to be feared least may be the woman of gallantry whom you love + without exactly knowing why; she will leave you for no motive and + go back to you out of vanity. All these women will injure you, + either in the present or the future. Every young woman who enters + society and lives a life of pleasure and of gratified vanity is + semi-corrupt and will corrupt you. Among them you will not find + the chaste and tranquil being in whom you may forever reign. Ah! + she who loves you will love solitude; the festivals of her heart + will be your glances; she will live upon your words. May she be + all the world to you, for you will be all in all to her. Love her + well; give her neither griefs nor rivals; do not rouse her + jealousy. To be loved, dear, to be comprehended, is the greatest + of all joys; I pray that you may taste it! But run no risk of + injuring the flower of your soul; be sure, be very sure of the + heart in which you place your affections. That woman will never be + her own self; she will never think of herself, but of you. She + will never oppose you, she will have no interests of her own; for + you she will see a danger where you can see none and where she + would be oblivious of her own. If she suffers it will be in + silence; she will have no personal vanity, but deep reverence for + whatever in her has won your love. Respond to such a love by + surpassing it. If you are fortunate enough to find that which I, + your poor friend, must ever be without, I mean a love mutually + inspired, mutually felt, remember that in a valley lives a mother + whose heart is so filled with the feelings you have put there that + you can never sound its depths. Yes, I bear you an affection which + you will never know to its full extent; before it could show + itself for what it is you would have to lose your mind and + intellect, and then you would be unable to comprehend the length + and breadth of my devotion. + + Shall I be misunderstood in bidding you avoid young women (all + more or less artful, satirical, vain, frivolous, and extravagant) + and attach yourself to influential women, to those imposing + dowagers full of excellent good-sense, like my aunt, who will help + your career, defend you from attacks, and say for you the things + that you cannot say for yourself? Am I not, on the contrary, + generous in bidding you reserve your love for the coming angel + with the guileless heart? If the motto Noblesse oblige sums up the + advice I gave you just now, my further advice on your relations to + women is based upon that other motto of chivalry, "Serve all, love + one!" + + Your educational knowledge is immense; your heart, saved by early + suffering, is without a stain; all is noble, all is well with you. + Now, Felix, WILL! Your future lies in that one word, that word of + great men. My child, you will obey your Henriette, will you not? + You will permit her to tell you from time to time the thoughts + that are in her mind of you and of your relations to the world? I + have an eye in my soul which sees the future for you as for my + children; suffer me to use that faculty for your benefit; it is a + faculty, a mysterious gift bestowed by my lonely life; far from + its growing weaker, I find it strengthened and exalted by solitude + and silence. + + I ask you in return to bestow a happiness on me; I desire to see + you becoming more and more important among men, without one single + success that shall bring a line of shame upon my brow; I desire + that you may quickly bring your fortunes to the level of your + noble name, and be able to tell me I have contributed to your + advancement by something better than a wish. This secret + co-operation in your future is the only pleasure I can allow + myself. For it, I will wait and hope. + + I do not say farewell. We are separated; you cannot put my hand to + your lips, but you must surely know the place you hold in the + heart of your + +Henriette. + + +As I read this letter I felt the maternal heart beating beneath my +fingers which held the paper while I was still cold from the harsh +greeting of my own mother. I understood why the countess had forbidden +me to open it in Touraine; no doubt she feared that I would fall at her +feet and wet them with my tears. + +I now made the acquaintance of my brother Charles, who up to this +time had been a stranger to me. But in all our intercourse he showed +a haughtiness which kept us apart and prevented brotherly affection. +Kindly feelings depend on similarity of soul, and there was no point of +touch between us. He preached to me dogmatically those social trifles +which head or heart can see without instruction; he seemed to mistrust +me. If I had not had the inward support of my great love he would have +made me awkward and stupid by affecting to believe that I knew nothing +of life. He presented me in society under the expectation that my +dulness would be a foil to his qualities. Had I not remembered the +sorrows of my childhood I might have taken his protecting vanity for +brotherly affection; but inward solitude produces the same effects +as outward solitude; silence within our souls enables us to hear the +faintest sound; the habit of taking refuge within ourselves develops +a perception which discerns every quality of the affections about us. +Before I knew Madame de Mortsauf a hard look grieved me, a rough word +wounded me to the heart; I bewailed these things without as yet knowing +anything of a life of tenderness; whereas now, since my return from +Clochegourde, I could make comparisons which perfected my instinctive +perceptions. All deductions derived only from sufferings endured are +incomplete. Happiness has a light to cast. I now allowed myself the more +willingly to be kept under the heel of primogeniture because I was not +my brother's dupe. + +I always went alone to the Duchesse de Lenoncourt's, where Henriette's +name was never mentioned; no one, except the good old duke, who was +simplicity itself, ever spoke of her to me; but by the way he welcomed +me I guessed that his daughter had privately commended me to his care. +At the moment when I was beginning to overcome the foolish wonder and +shyness which besets a young man at his first entrance into the great +world, and to realize the pleasures it could give through the resources +it offers to ambition, just, too, as I was beginning to make use of +Henriette's maxims, admiring their wisdom, the events of the 20th of +March took place. + +My brother followed the court to Ghent; I, by Henriette's advice (for I +kept up a correspondence with her, active on my side only), went there +also with the Duc de Lenoncourt. The natural kindness of the old duke +turned to a hearty and sincere protection as soon as he saw me attached, +body and soul, to the Bourbons. He himself presented me to his Majesty. +Courtiers are not numerous when misfortunes are rife; but youth is +gifted with ingenuous admiration and uncalculating fidelity. The king +had the faculty of judging men; a devotion which might have passed +unobserved in Paris counted for much at Ghent, and I had the happiness +of pleasing Louis XVIII. + +A letter from Madame de Mortsauf to her father, brought with despatches +by an emissary of the Vendeens, enclosed a note to me by which I learned +that Jacques was ill. Monsieur de Mortsauf, in despair at his son's +ill-health, and also at the news of a second emigration, added a few +words which enabled me to guess the situation of my dear one. Worried by +him, no doubt, when she passed all her time at Jacques' bedside, allowed +no rest either day or night, superior to annoyance, yet unable always to +control herself when her whole soul was given to the care of her child, +Henriette needed the support of a friendship which might lighten the +burden of her life, were it only by diverting her husband's mind. Though +I was now most impatient to rival the career of my brother, who had +lately been sent to the Congress of Vienna, and was anxious at any risk +to justify Henriette's appeal and become a man myself, freed from all +vassalage, nevertheless my ambition, my desire for independence, the +great interest I had in not leaving the king, all were of no account +before the vision of Madame de Mortsauf's sad face. I resolved to leave +the court at Ghent and serve my true sovereign. God rewarded me. The +emissary sent by the Vendeens was unable to return. The king wanted a +messenger who would faithfully carry back his instructions. The Duc de +Lenoncourt knew that the king would never forget the man who undertook +so perilous an enterprise; he asked for the mission without consulting +me, and I gladly accepted it, happy indeed to be able to return to +Clochegourde employed in the good cause. + +After an audience with the king I returned to France, where, both in +Paris and in Vendee, I was fortunate enough to carry out his Majesty's +instructions. Towards the end of May, being tracked by the Bonapartist +authorities to whom I was denounced, I was obliged to fly from place to +place in the character of a man endeavoring to get back to his estate. +I went on foot from park to park, from wood to wood, across the whole +of upper Vendee, the Bocage and Poitou, changing my direction as danger +threatened. + +I reached Saumur, from Saumur I went to Chinon, and from Chinon I +reached, in a single night, the woods of Nueil, where I met the count on +horseback; he took me up behind him and we reached Clochegourde without +passing any one who recognized me. + +"Jacques is better," were the first words he said to me. + +I explained to him my position of diplomatic postman, hunted like a wild +beast, and the brave gentleman in his quality of royalist claimed the +danger over Chessel of receiving me. As we came in sight of Clochegourde +the past eight months rolled away like a dream. When we entered the +salon the count said: "Guess whom I bring you?--Felix!" + +"Is it possible!" she said, with pendant arms and a bewildered face. + +I showed myself and we both remained motionless; she in her armchair, I +on the threshold of the door; looking at each other with that hunger +of the soul which endeavors to make up in a single glance for the lost +months. Then, recovering from a surprise which left her heart unveiled, +she rose and I went up to her. + +"I have prayed for your safety," she said, giving me her hand to kiss. + +She asked news of her father; then she guessed my weariness and went +to prepare my room, while the count gave me something to eat, for I was +dying of hunger. My room was the one above hers, her aunt's room; she +requested the count to take me there, after setting her foot on the +first step of the staircase, deliberating no doubt whether to accompany +me; I turned my head, she blushed, bade me sleep well, and went away. +When I came down to dinner I heard for the first time of the disasters +at Waterloo, the flight of Napoleon, the march of the Allies to Paris, +and the probable return of the Bourbons. These events were all in all to +the count; to us they were nothing. What think you was the great event +I was to learn, after kissing the children?--for I will not dwell on the +alarm I felt at seeing the countess pale and shrunken; I knew the injury +I might do by showing it and was careful to express only joy at seeing +her. But the great event for us was told in the words, "You shall have +ice to-day!" She had often fretted the year before that the water was +not cold enough for me, who, never drinking anything else, liked it +iced. God knows how many entreaties it had cost her to get an ice-house +built. You know better than any one that a word, a look, an inflection +of the voice, a trifling attention, suffices for love; love's noblest +privilege is to prove itself by love. Well, her words, her look, her +pleasure, showed me her feelings, as I had formerly shown her mine by +that first game of backgammon. These ingenuous proofs of her affection +were many; on the seventh day after my arrival she recovered her +freshness, she sparkled with health and youth and happiness; my lily +expanded in beauty just as the treasures of my heart increased. Only in +petty minds or in common hearts can absence lessen love or efface the +features or diminish the beauty of our dear one. To ardent imaginations, +to all beings through whose veins enthusiasm passes like a crimson tide, +and in whom passion takes the form of constancy, absence has the same +effect as the sufferings of the early Christians, which strengthened +their faith and made God visible to them. In hearts that abound in love +are there not incessant longings for a desired object, to which the +glowing fire of our dreams gives higher value and a deeper tint? Are +we not conscious of instigations which give to the beloved features the +beauty of the ideal by inspiring them with thought? The past, dwelt on +in all its details becomes magnified; the future teems with hope. When +two hearts filled with these electric clouds meet each other, their +interview is like the welcome storm which revives the earth and +stimulates it with the swift lightnings of the thunderbolt. How many +tender pleasures came to me when I found these thoughts and these +sensations reciprocal! With what glad eyes I followed the development +of happiness in Henriette! A woman who renews her life from that of her +beloved gives, perhaps, a greater proof of feeling than she who dies +killed by a doubt, withered on her stock for want of sap; I know not +which of the two is the more touching. + +The revival of Madame de Mortsauf was wholly natural, like the effects +of the month of May upon the meadows, or those of the sun and of the +brook upon the drooping flowers. Henriette, like our dear valley of +love, had had her winter; she revived like the valley in the springtime. +Before dinner we went down to the beloved terrace. There, with one hand +stroking the head of her son, who walked feebly beside her, silent, as +though he were breeding an illness, she told me of her nights beside his +pillow. + +For three months, she said, she had lived wholly within herself, +inhabiting, as it were, a dark palace; afraid to enter sumptuous rooms +where the light shone, where festivals were given, to her denied, at the +door of which she stood, one glance turned upon her child, another to +a dim and distant figure; one ear listening for moans, another for a +voice. She told me poems, born of solitude, such as no poet ever +sang; but all ingenuously, without one vestige of love, one trace of +voluptuous thought, one echo of a poesy orientally soothing as the rose +of Frangistan. When the count joined us she continued in the same tone, +like a woman secure within herself, able to look proudly at her husband +and kiss the forehead of her son without a blush. She had prayed much; +she had clasped her hands for nights together over her child, refusing +to let him die. + +"I went," she said, "to the gate of the sanctuary and asked his life of +God." + +She had had visions, and she told them to me; but when she said, in that +angelic voice of hers, these exquisite words, "While I slept my heart +watched," the count harshly interrupted her. + +"That is to say, you were half crazy," he cried. + +She was silent, as deeply hurt as though it were a first wound; +forgetting that for thirteen years this man had lost no chance to shoot +his arrows into her heart. Like a soaring bird struck on the wing by +vulgar shot, she sank into a dull depression; then she roused herself. + +"How is it, monsieur," she said, "that no word of mine ever finds favor +in your sight? Have you no indulgence for my weakness,--no comprehension +of me as a woman?" + +She stopped short. Already she regretted the murmur, and measured the +future by the past; how could she expect comprehension? Had she not +drawn upon herself some virulent attack? The blue veins of her temples +throbbed; she shed no tears, but the color of her eyes faded. Then she +looked down, that she might not see her pain reflected on my face, her +feelings guessed, her soul wooed by my soul; above all, not see the +sympathy of young love, ready like a faithful dog to spring at the +throat of whoever threatened his mistress, without regard to the +assailant's strength or quality. At such cruel moments the count's air +of superiority was supreme. He thought he had triumphed over his wife, +and he pursued her with a hail of phrases which repeated the one idea, +and were like the blows of an axe which fell with unvarying sound. + +"Always the same?" I said, when the count left us to follow the huntsman +who came to speak to him. + +"Always," answered Jacques. + +"Always excellent, my son," she said, endeavoring to withdraw Monsieur +de Mortsauf from the judgment of his children. "You see only the +present, you know nothing of the past; therefore you cannot criticise +your father without doing him injustice. But even if you had the pain of +seeing that your father was to blame, family honor requires you to bury +such secrets in silence." + +"How have the changes at the Cassine and the Rhetoriere answered?" I +asked, to divert her mind from bitter thoughts. + +"Beyond my expectations," she replied. "As soon as the buildings were +finished we found two excellent farmers ready to hire them; one at four +thousand five hundred francs, taxes paid; the other at five thousand; +both leases for fifteen years. We have already planted three thousand +young trees on the new farms. Manette's cousin is delighted to get the +Rabelaye; Martineau has taken the Baude. All _our_ efforts have been +crowned with success. Clochegourde, without the reserved land which +we call the home-farm, and without the timber and vineyards, brings +in nineteen thousand francs a year, and the plantations are becoming +valuable. I am battling to let the home-farm to Martineau, the keeper, +whose eldest son can now take his place. He offers three thousand francs +if Monsieur de Mortsauf will build him a farm-house at the Commanderie. +We might then clear the approach to Clochegourde, finish the proposed +avenue to the main road, and have only the woodland and the vineyards +to take care of ourselves. If the king returns, _our_ pension will be +restored; WE shall consent after clashing a little with _our_ wife's +common-sense. Jacques' fortune will then be permanently secured. That +result obtained, I shall leave monsieur to lay by as much as he likes +for Madeleine, though the king will of course dower her, according to +custom. My conscience is easy; I have all but accomplished my task. And +you?" she said. + +I explained to her the mission on which the king had sent me, and showed +her how her wise counsel had borne fruit. Was she endowed with second +sight thus to foretell events? + +"Did I not write it to you?" she answered. "For you and for my children +alone I possess a remarkable faculty, of which I have spoken only to my +confessor, Monsieur de la Berge; he explains it by divine intervention. +Often, after deep meditation induced by fears about the health of my +children, my eyes close to the things of earth and see into another +region; if Jacques and Madeleine there appear to me as two luminous +figures they are sure to have good health for a certain period of time; +if wrapped in mist they are equally sure to fall ill soon after. As +for you, I not only see you brilliantly illuminated, but I hear a voice +which explains to me without words, by some mental communication, what +you ought to do. Does any law forbid me to use this wonderful gift for +my children and for you?" she asked, falling into a reverie. Then, +after a pause, she added, "Perhaps God wills to take the place of their +father." + +"Let me believe that my obedience is due to none but you," I cried. + +She gave me one of her exquisitely gracious smiles, which so exalted my +heart that I should not have felt a death-blow if given at that moment. + +"As soon as the king returns to Paris, go there; leave Clochegourde," +she said. "It may be degrading to beg for places and favors, but it +would be ridiculous to be out of the way of receiving them. Great +changes will soon take place. The king needs capable and trustworthy +men; don't fail him. It is well for you to enter young into the affairs +of the nation and learn your way; for statesmen, like actors, have a +routine business to acquire, which genius does not reveal, it must be +learnt. My father heard the Duc de Choiseul say this. Think of me," she +said, after a pause; "let me enjoy the pleasures of superiority in a +soul that is all my own; for are you not my son?" + +"Your son?" I said, sullenly. + +"Yes, my son!" she cried, mocking me; "is not that a good place in my +heart?" + +The bell rang for dinner; she took my arm and leaned contentedly upon +it. + +"You have grown," she said, as we went up the steps. When we reached the +portico she shook my arm a little, as if my looks were importunate; +for though her eyes were lowered she knew that I saw only her. Then she +said, with a charming air of pretended impatience, full of grace and +coquetry, "Come, why don't you look at our dear valley?" + +She turned, held her white silk sun-shade over our heads and drew +Jacques closely to her side. The motion of her head as she looked +towards the Indre, the punt, the meadows, showed me that in my absence +she had come to many an understanding with those misty horizons +and their vaporous outline. Nature was a mantle which sheltered her +thoughts. She now knew what the nightingale was sighing the livelong +night, what the songster of the sedges hymned with his plaintive note. + +At eight o'clock that evening I was witness of a scene which touched me +deeply, and which I had never yet witnessed, for in my former visits I +had played backgammon with the count while his wife took the children +into the dining-room before their bedtime. The bell rang twice, and all +the servants of the household entered the room. + +"You are now our guest and must submit to convent rule," said the +countess, leading me by the hand with that air of innocent gaiety which +distinguishes women who are naturally pious. + +The count followed. Masters, children, and servants knelt down, all +taking their regular places. It was Madeleine's turn to read the +prayers. The dear child said them in her childish voice, the ingenuous +tones of which rose clear in the harmonious silence of the country, and +gave to the words the candor of holy innocence, the grace of angels. +It was the most affecting prayer I ever heard. Nature replied to the +child's voice with the myriad murmurs of the coming night, like the low +accompaniment of an organ lightly touched, Madeleine was on the right +of the countess, Jacques on her left. The graceful curly heads, between +which rose the smooth braids of the mother, and above all three the +perfectly white hair and yellow cranium of the father, made a picture +which repeated, in some sort, the ideas aroused by the melody of the +prayer. As if to fulfil all conditions of the unity which marks the +sublime, this calm and collected group were bathed in the fading light +of the setting sun; its red tints coloring the room, impelling the +soul--be it poetic or superstitious--to believe that the fires of heaven +were visiting these faithful servants of God as they knelt there without +distinction of rank, in the equality which heaven demands. Thinking +back to the days of the patriarchs my mind still further magnified this +scene, so grand in its simplicity. + +The children said good-night, the servants bowed, the countess went +away holding a child by each hand, and I returned to the salon with the +count. + +"We provide you with salvation there, and hell here," he said, pointing +to the backgammon-board. + +The countess returned in half an hour, and brought her frame near the +table. + +"This is for you," she said, unrolling the canvas; "but for the last +three months it has languished. Between that rose and this heartsease my +poor child was ill." + +"Come, come," said Monsieur de Mortsauf, "don't talk of that any more. +Six--five, emissary of the king!" + +When alone in my room I hushed my breathing that I might hear her +passing to and fro in hers. She was calm and pure, but I was lashed with +maddening ideas. "Why should she not be mine?" I thought; "perhaps she +is, like me, in this whirlwind of agitation." At one o'clock, I went +down, walking noiselessly, and lay before her door. With my ear pressed +to a chink I could hear her equable, gentle breathing, like that of a +child. When chilled to the bone I went back to bed and slept tranquilly +till morning. I know not what prenatal influence, what nature within me, +causes the delight I take in going to the brink of precipices, sounding +the gulf of evil, seeking to know its depths, feeling its icy chill, and +retreating in deep emotion. That hour of night passed on the threshold +of her door where I wept with rage,--though she never knew that on the +morrow her foot had trod upon my tears and kisses, on her virtue first +destroyed and then respected, cursed and adored,--that hour, foolish in +the eyes of many, was nevertheless an inspiration of the same mysterious +impulse which impels the soldier. Many have told me they have played +their lives upon it, flinging themselves before a battery to know if +they could escape the shot, happy in thus galloping into the abyss of +probabilities, and smoking like Jean Bart upon the gunpowder. + +The next day I went to gather flowers and made two bouquets. The count +admired them, though generally nothing of the kind appealed to him. The +clever saying of Champcenetz, "He builds dungeons in Spain," seemed to +have been made for him. + +I spent several days at Clochegourde, going but seldom to Frapesle, +where, however, I dined three times. The French army now occupied Tours. +Though my presence was health and strength to Madame de Mortsauf, she +implored me to make my way to Chateauroux, and so round by Issoudun and +Orleans to Paris with what haste I could. I tried to resist; but +she commanded me, saying that my guardian angel spoke. I obeyed. Our +farewell was, this time, dim with tears; she feared the allurements of +the life I was about to live. Is it not a serious thing to enter the +maelstrom of interests, passions, and pleasures which make Paris a +dangerous ocean for chaste love and purity of conscience? I promised to +write to her every night, relating the events and thoughts of the day, +even the most trivial. When I gave the promise she laid her head on my +shoulder and said: "Leave nothing out; everything will interest me." + +She gave me letters for the duke and duchess, which I delivered the +second day after my return. + +"You are in luck," said the duke; "dine here to-day, and go with me this +evening to the Chateau; your fortune is made. The king spoke of you this +morning, and said, 'He is young, capable, and trustworthy.' His Majesty +added that he wished he knew whether you were living or dead, and in +what part of France events had thrown you after you had executed your +mission so ably." + +That night I was appointed master of petitions to the council of State, +and I also received a private and permanent place in the employment +of Louis XVIII. himself,--a confidential position, not highly +distinguished, but without any risks, a position which put me at +the very heart of the government and has been the source of all my +subsequent prosperity. Madame de Mortsauf had judged rightly. I now owed +everything to her; power and wealth, happiness and knowledge; she guided +and encouraged me, purified my heart, and gave to my will that unity +of purpose without which the powers of youth are wasted. Later I had +a colleague; we each served six months. We were allowed to supply each +other's place if necessary; we had rooms at the Chateau, a carriage, +and large allowances for travelling when absent on missions. Strange +position! We were the secret disciples of a monarch in a policy to which +even his enemies have since done signal justice; alone with us he gave +judgment on all things, foreign and domestic, yet we had no legitimate +influence; often we were consulted like Laforet by Moliere, and made to +feel that the hesitations of long experience were confirmed or removed +by the vigorous perceptions of youth. + +In other respects my future was secured in a manner to satisfy ambition. +Beside my salary as master of petitions, paid by the budget of the +council of State, the king gave me a thousand francs a month from his +privy purse, and often himself added more to it. Though the king knew +well that no young man of twenty-three could long bear up under the +labors with which he loaded me, my colleague, now a peer of France, was +not appointed till August, 1817. The choice was a difficult one; our +functions demanded so many capabilities that the king was long in coming +to a decision. He did me the honor to ask which of the young men among +whom he was hesitating I should like for an associate. Among them was +one who had been my school-fellow at Lepitre's; I did not select him. +His Majesty asked why. + +"The king," I replied, "chooses men who are equally faithful, but +whose capabilities differ. I choose the one whom I think the most able, +certain that I shall always be able to get on with him." + +My judgment coincided with that of the king, who was pleased with the +sacrifice I had made. He said on this occasion, "You are to be the +chief"; and he related these circumstances to my colleague, who +became, in return for the service I had done him, my good friend. The +consideration shown to me by the Duc de Lenoncourt set the tone of +that which I met with in society. To have it said, "The king takes an +interest in the young man; that young man has a future, the king likes +him," would have served me in place of talents; and it now gave to the +kindly welcome accorded to youth a certain respect that is only given to +power. In the salon of the Duchesse de Lenoncourt and also at the house +of my sister who had just married the Marquis de Listomere, son of the +old lady in the Ile St. Louis, I gradually came to know the influential +personages of the Faubourg St. Germain. + +Henriette herself put me at the heart of the circle then called +"le Petit Chateau" by the help of her great-aunt, the Princesse de +Blamont-Chauvry, to whom she wrote so warmly in my behalf that the +princess immediately sent for me. I cultivated her and contrived to +please her, and she became, not my protectress but a friend, in whose +kindness there was something maternal. The old lady took pains to make +me intimate with her daughter Madame d'Espard, with the Duchesse de +Langeais, the Vicomtesse de Beauseant, and the Duchesse de Maufrigneuse, +women who held the sceptre of fashion, and who were all the more +gracious to me because I made no pretensions and was always ready to be +useful and agreeable to them. My brother Charles, far from avoiding me, +now began to lean upon me; but my rapid success roused a secret jealousy +in his mind which in after years caused me great vexation. My father +and mother, surprised by a triumph so unexpected, felt their vanity +flattered, and received me at last as a son. But their feeling was too +artificial, I might say false, to let their present treatment have much +influence upon a sore heart. Affectations stained with selfishness win +little sympathy; the heart abhors calculations and profits of all kinds. + +I wrote regularly to Henriette, who answered by two letters a month. +Her spirit hovered over me, her thoughts traversed space and made the +atmosphere around me pure. No woman could captivate me. The king noticed +my reserve, and as, in this respect, he belonged to the school of Louis +XV., he called me, in jest, Mademoiselle de Vandenesse; but my conduct +pleased him. I am convinced that the habit of patience I acquired in my +childhood and practised at Clochegourde had much to do in my winning the +favor of the king, who was always most kind to me. He no doubt took a +fancy to read my letters, for he soon gave up his notion of my life +as that of a young girl. One day when the duke was on duty, and I was +writing at the king's dictation, the latter suddenly remarked, in that +fine, silvery voice of his, to which he could give, when he chose, the +biting tone of epigram:-- + +"So that poor devil of a Mortsauf persists in living?" + +"Yes," replied the duke. + +"Madame de Mortsauf is an angel, whom I should like to see at my court," +continued the king; "but if I cannot manage it, my chancellor here," +turning to me, "may be more fortunate. You are to have six months' +leave; I have decided on giving you the young man we spoke of yesterday +as colleague. Amuse yourself at Clochegourde, friend Cato!" and he +laughed as he had himself wheeled out of the room. + +I flew like a swallow to Touraine. For the first time I was to show +myself to my beloved, not merely a little less insignificant, but +actually in the guise of an elegant young man, whose manners had been +formed in the best salons, his education finished by gracious women; who +had found at last a compensation for all his sufferings, and had put to +use the experience given to him by the purest angel to whom heaven had +ever committed the care of a child. You know how my mother had equipped +me for my three months' visit at Frapesle. When I reached Clochegourde +after fulfilling my mission in Vendee, I was dressed like a huntsman; +I wore a jacket with white and red buttons, striped trousers, leathern +gaiters and shoes. Tramping through underbrush had so injured my clothes +that the count was obliged to lend me linen. On the present occasion, +two years' residence in Paris, constant intercourse with the king, the +habits of a life at ease, my completed growth, a youthful countenance, +which derived a lustre from the placidity of the soul within +magnetically united with the pure soul that beamed on me from +Clochegourde,--all these things combined had transformed me. I was +self-possessed without conceit, inwardly pleased to find myself, in +spite of my years, at the summit of affairs; above all, I had the +consciousness of being secretly the support and comfort of the dearest +woman on earth, and her unuttered hope. Perhaps I felt a flutter of +vanity as the postilions cracked their whips along the new avenue +leading from the main road to Clochegourde and through an iron gate I +had never seen before, which opened into a circular enclosure recently +constructed. I had not written to the countess of my coming, wishing to +surprise her. For this I found myself doubly in fault: first, she was +overwhelmed with the excitement of a pleasure long desired, but +supposed to be impossible; and secondly, she proved to me that all such +deliberate surprises are in bad taste. + +When Henriette saw a young man in him who had hitherto seemed but a +child to her, she lowered her eyes with a sort of tragic slowness. +She allowed me to take and kiss her hand without betraying her inward +pleasure, which I nevertheless felt in her sensitive shiver. When she +raised her face to look at me again, I saw that she was pale. + +"Well, you don't forget your old friends?" said Monsieur de Mortsauf, +who had neither changed nor aged. + +The children sprang upon me. I saw them behind the grave face of the +Abbe Dominis, Jacques' tutor. + +"No," I replied, "and in future I am to have six months' leave, which +will always be spent here--Why, what is the matter?" I said to the +countess, putting my arm round her waist and holding her up in presence +of them all. + +"Oh, don't!" she said, springing away from me; "it is nothing." + +I read her mind, and answered to its secret thought by saying, "Am I not +allowed to be your faithful slave?" + +She took my arm, left the count, the children, and the abbe, and led +me to a distance on the lawn, though still within sight of the others; +then, when sure that her voice could not be heard by them, she spoke. + +"Felix, my dear friend," she said, "forgive my fears; I have but one +thread by which to guide me in the labyrinth of life, and I dread to see +it broken. Tell me that I am more than ever Henriette to you, that you +will never abandon me, that nothing shall prevail against me, that you +will ever be my devoted friend. I have suddenly had a glimpse into my +future, and you were not there, as hitherto, your eyes shining and fixed +upon me--" + +"Henriette! idol whose worship is like that of the Divine,--lily, flower +of my life, how is it that you do not know, you who are my conscience, +that my being is so fused with yours that my soul is here when my body +is in Paris? Must I tell you that I have come in seventeen hours, that +each turn of the wheels gathered thoughts and desires in my breast, +which burst forth like a tempest when I saw you?" + +"Yes, tell me! tell me!" she cried; "I am so sure of myself that I can +hear you without wrong. God does not will my death. He sends you to me +as he sends his breath to his creatures; as he pours the rain of +his clouds upon a parched earth,--tell me! tell me! Do you love me +sacredly?" + +"Sacredly." + +"For ever?" + +"For ever." + +"As a virgin Mary, hidden behind her veil, beneath her white crown." + +"As a virgin visible." + +"As a sister?" + +"As a sister too dearly loved." + +"With chivalry and without hope?" + +"With chivalry and with hope." + +"As if you were still twenty years of age, and wearing that absurd blue +coat?" + +"Oh better far! I love you thus, and I also love you"--she looked at me +with keen apprehension--"as you loved your aunt." + +"I am happy! You dispel my terrors," she said, returning towards the +family, who were surprised at our private conference. "Be still a child +at Clochegourde--for you are one still. It may be your policy to be a +man with the king, but here, let me tell you, monsieur, your best policy +is to remain a child. As a child you shall be loved. I can resist a man, +but to a child I can refuse nothing, nothing! He can ask for nothing I +will not give him.--Our secrets are all told," she said, looking at +the count with a mischievous air, in which her girlish, natural self +reappeared. "I leave you now; I must go and dress." + +Never for three years had I heard her voice so richly happy. For the +first time I heard those swallow cries, the infantile notes of which I +told you. I had brought Jacques a hunting outfit, and for Madeleine a +work-box--which her mother afterwards used. The joy of the two children, +delighted to show their presents to each other, seemed to annoy the +count, always dissatisfied when attention was withdrawn from himself. I +made a sign to Madeleine and followed her father, who wanted to talk to +me of his ailments. + +"My poor Felix," he said, "you see how happy and well they all are. I am +the shadow on the picture; all their ills are transferred to me, and +I bless God that it is so. Formerly I did not know what was the matter +with me; now I know. The orifice of my stomach is affected; I can digest +nothing." + +"How do you come to be as wise as the professor of a medical school?" +I asked, laughing. "Is your doctor indiscreet enough to tell you such +things?" + +"God forbid I should consult a doctor," he cried, showing the aversion +most imaginary invalids feel for the medical profession. + +I now listened to much crazy talk, in the course of which he made the +most absurd confidences,--complained of his wife, of the servants, of +the children, of life, evidently pleased to repeat his daily speeches to +a friend who, not having heard them daily, might be alarmed, and who +at any rate was forced to listen out of politeness. He must have been +satisfied, for I paid him the utmost attention, trying to penetrate +his inconceivable nature, and to guess what new tortures he had been +inflicting on his wife, of which she had not written to me. Henriette +presently put an end to the monologue by appearing in the portico. The +count saw her, shook his head, and said to me: "You listen to me, Felix; +but here no one pities me." + +He went away, as if aware of the constraint he imposed on my intercourse +with Henriette, or perhaps from a really chivalrous consideration +for her, knowing he could give her pleasure by leaving us alone. His +character exhibited contradictions that were often inexplicable; he was +jealous, like all weak beings, but his confidence in his wife's sanctity +was boundless. It may have been the sufferings of his own self-esteem, +wounded by the superiority of that lofty virtue, which made him so eager +to oppose every wish of the poor woman, whom he braved as children brave +their masters or their mothers. + +Jacques was taking his lessons, and Madeleine was being dressed; I had +therefore a whole hour to walk with the countess alone on the terrace. + +"Dear angel!" I said, "the chains are heavier, the sands hotter, the +thorns grow apace." + +"Hush!" she said, guessing the thoughts my conversation with the count +had suggested. "You are here, and all is forgotten! I don't suffer; I +have never suffered." + +She made a few light steps as if to shake her dress and give to the +breeze its ruches of snowy tulle, its floating sleeves and fresh +ribbons, the laces of her pelerine, and the flowing curls of her +coiffure a la Sevigne; I saw her for the first time a young girl,--gay +with her natural gaiety, ready to frolic like a child. I knew then the +meaning of tears of happiness; I knew the joy a man feels in bringing +happiness to another. + +"Sweet human flower, wooed by my thought, kissed by my soul, oh my +lily!" I cried, "untouched, untouchable upon thy stem, white, proud, +fragrant, and solitary--" + +"Enough, enough," she said, smiling. "Speak to me of yourself; tell me +everything." + +Then, beneath the swaying arch of quivering leaves, we had a long +conversation, filled with interminable parentheses, subjects taken, +dropped, and retaken, in which I told her my life and my occupations; I +even described my apartment in Paris, for she wished to know everything; +and (happiness then unappreciated) I had nothing to conceal. Knowing +thus my soul and all the details of a daily life full of incessant toil, +learning the full extent of my functions, which to any one not sternly +upright offered opportunities for deception and dishonest gains, but +which I had exercised with such rigid honor that the king, I told her, +called me Mademoiselle de Vandenesse, she seized my hand and kissed it, +and dropped a tear, a tear of joy, upon it. + +This sudden transposition of our roles, this homage, coupled with the +thought--swiftly expressed but as swiftly comprehended--"Here is the +master I have sought, here is my dream embodied!" all that there was of +avowal in the action, grand in its humility, where love betrayed itself +in a region forbidden to the senses,--this whirlwind of celestial things +fell on my heart and crushed it. I felt myself too small; I wished to +die at her feet. + +"Ah!" I said, "you surpass us in all things. Can you doubt me?--for you +did doubt me just now, Henriette." + +"Not now," she answered, looking at me with ineffable tenderness, which, +for a moment, veiled the light of her eyes. "But seeing you so changed, +so handsome, I said to myself, 'Our plans for Madeleine will be defeated +by some woman who will guess the treasures in his heart; she will steal +our Felix, and destroy all happiness here.'" + +"Always Madeleine!" I replied. "Is it Madeleine to whom I am faithful?" + +We fell into a silence which Monsieur de Mortsauf inconveniently +interrupted. I was forced to keep up a conversation bristling with +difficulties, in which my honest replies as to the king's policy jarred +with the count's ideas, and he forced me to explain again and again the +king's intentions. In spite of all my questions as to his horses, his +agricultural affairs, whether he was satisfied with his five farms, +whether he meant to cut the timber of the old avenue, he returned to the +subject of politics with the pestering faculty of an old maid and the +persistency of a child. Minds like his prefer to dash themselves against +the light; they return again and again and hum about it without ever +getting into it, like those big flies which weary our ears as they buzz +upon the glass. + +Henriette was silent. To stop the conversation, in which I feared +my young blood might take fire, I answered in monosyllables, mostly +acquiescent, avoiding discussion; but Monsieur de Mortsauf had too much +sense not to perceive the meaning of my politeness. Presently he was +angry at being always in the right; he grew refractory, his eyebrows and +the wrinkles of his forehead worked, his yellow eyes blazed, his rufous +nose grew redder, as it did on the day I first witnessed an attack of +madness. Henriette gave me a supplicating look, making me understand +that she could not employ on my behalf an authority to which she +had recourse to protect her children. I at once answered the count +seriously, taking up the political question, and managing his peevish +spirit with the utmost care. + +"Poor dear! poor dear!" she murmured two or three times; the words +reaching my ear like a gentle breeze. When she could intervene with +success she said, interrupting us, "Let me tell you, gentlemen, that you +are very dull company." + +Recalled by this conversation to his chivalrous sense of what was due to +a woman, the count ceased to talk politics, and as we bored him in our +turn by commonplace matters, he presently left us to continue our walk, +declaring that it made his head spin to go round and round on the same +path. + +My sad conjectures were true. The soft landscape, the warm atmosphere, +the cloudless skies, the soothing poetry of this valley, which for +fifteen years had calmed the stinging fancies of that diseased mind, +were now impotent. At a period of life when the asperities of other +men are softened and their angles smoothed, the disposition of this man +became more and more aggressive. For the last few months he had taken +a habit of contradicting for the sake of contradiction, without reason, +without even trying to justify his opinions; he insisted on knowing the +why and the wherefore of everything; grew restless under a delay or +an omission; meddled with every item of the household affairs, and +compelled his wife and the servants to render him the most minute +and fatiguing account of all that was done; never allowing them the +slightest freedom of action. Formerly he did not lose his temper except +for some special reason; now his irritation was constant. Perhaps the +care of his farms, the interests of agriculture, an active out-door life +had formerly soothed his atrabilious temper by giving it a field for its +uneasiness, and by furnishing employment for his activity. Possibly the +loss of such occupation had allowed his malady to prey upon itself; no +longer exercised on matters without, it was showing itself in more fixed +ideas; the moral being was laying hold of the physical being. He had +lately become his own doctor; he studied medical books, fancied he had +the diseases he read of, and took the most extraordinary and unheard of +precautions about his health,--precautions never the same, impossible to +foresee, and consequently impossible to satisfy. Sometimes he wanted no +noise; then, when the countess had succeeded in establishing absolute +silence, he would declare he was in a tomb, and blame her for not +finding some medium between incessant noise and the stillness of La +Trappe. Sometimes he affected a perfect indifference for all earthly +things. Then the whole household breathed freely; the children played; +family affairs went on without criticism. Suddenly he would cry out +lamentably, "They want to kill me!--My dear," he would say to his wife, +increasing the injustice of his words by the aggravating tones of his +sharp voice, "if it concerned your children you would know very well +what was the matter with them." + +He dressed and re-dressed himself incessantly, watching every change +of temperature, and doing nothing without consulting the barometer. +Notwithstanding his wife's attentions, he found no food to suit him, his +stomach being, he said, impaired, and digestion so painful as to keep +him awake all night. In spite of this he ate, drank, digested, and +slept, in a manner to satisfy any doctor. His capricious will exhausted +the patience of the servants, accustomed to the beaten track of domestic +service and unable to conform to the requirements of his conflicting +orders. Sometimes he bade them keep all the windows open, declaring that +his health required a current of fresh air; a few days later the +fresh air, being too hot or too damp, as the case might be, became +intolerable; then he scolded, quarrelled with the servants, and in order +to justify himself, denied his former orders. This defect of memory, or +this bad faith, call it which you will, always carried the day against +his wife in the arguments by which she tried to pit him against himself. +Life at Clochegourde had become so intolerable that the Abbe Dominis, a +man of great learning, took refuge in the study of scientific problems, +and withdrew into the shelter of pretended abstraction. The countess had +no longer any hope of hiding the secret of these insane furies within +the circle of her own home; the servants had witnessed scenes of +exasperation without exciting cause, in which the premature old man +passed the bounds of reason. They were, however, so devoted to the +countess that nothing so far had transpired outside; but she dreaded +daily some public outburst of a frenzy no longer controlled by respect +for opinion. + +Later I learned the dreadful details of the count's treatment of his +wife. Instead of supporting her when the children were ill, he assailed +her with dark predictions and made her responsible for all future +illnesses, because she refused to let the children take the crazy doses +which he prescribed. When she went to walk with them the count would +predict a storm in the face of a clear sky; if by chance the prediction +proved true, the satisfaction he felt made him quite indifferent to +any harm to the children. If one of them was ailing, the count gave +his whole mind to fastening the cause of the illness upon the system +of nursing adopted by his wife, whom he carped at for every trifling +detail, always ending with the cruel words, "If your children fall ill +again you have only yourself to thank for it." + +He behaved in the same way in the management of the household, seeing +the worst side of everything, and making himself, as his old coachman +said, "the devil's own advocate." The countess arranged that Jacques +and Madeleine should take their meals alone at different hours from the +family, so as to save them from the count's outbursts and draw all the +storms upon herself. In this way the children now saw but little of +their father. By one of the hallucinations peculiar to selfish persons, +the count had not the slightest idea of the misery he caused. In the +confidential communication he made to me on my arrival he particularly +dwelt on his goodness to his family. He wielded the flail, beat, +bruised, and broke everything about him as a monkey might have done. +Then, having half-destroyed his prey, he denied having touched it. I now +understood the lines on Henriette's forehead,--fine lines, traced as it +were with the edge of a razor, which I had noticed the moment I saw her. +There is a pudicity in noble minds which withholds them from speaking +of their personal sufferings; proudly they hide the extent of their +woes from hearts that love them, feeling a merciful joy in doing so. +Therefore in spite of my urgency, I did not immediately obtain the truth +from Henriette. She feared to grieve me; she made brief admissions, +and then blushed for them; but I soon perceived myself the increase of +trouble which the count's present want of regular occupation had brought +upon the household. + +"Henriette," I said, after I had been there some days, "don't you think +you have made a mistake in so arranging the estate that the count has no +longer anything to do?" + +"Dear," she said, smiling, "my situation is critical enough to take all +my attention; believe me, I have considered all my resources, and they +are now exhausted. It is true that the bickerings are getting worse +and worse. As Monsieur de Mortsauf and I are always together, I cannot +lessen them by diverting his attention in other directions; in fact the +pain would be the same to me in any case. I did think of advising him +to start a nursery for silk-worms at Clochegourde, where we have many +mulberry-trees, remains of the old industry of Touraine. But I reflected +that he would still be the same tyrant at home, and I should have +many more annoyances through the enterprise. You will learn, my dear +observer, that in youth a man's ill qualities are restrained by society, +checked in their swing by the play of passions, subdued under the fear +of public opinion; later, a middle-aged man, living in solitude, shows +his native defects, which are all the more terrible because so long +repressed. Human weaknesses are essentially base; they allow of neither +peace nor truce; what you yield to them to-day they exact to-morrow, and +always; they fasten on concessions and compel more of them. Power, on +the other hand, is merciful; it conforms to evidence, it is just and it +is peaceable. But the passions born of weakness are implacable. Monsieur +de Mortsauf takes an absolute pleasure in getting the better of me; and +he who would deceive no one else, deceives me with delight." + +One morning as we left the breakfast table, about a month after my +arrival, the countess took me by the arm, darted through an iron gate +which led into the vineyard, and dragged me hastily among the vines. + +"He will kill me!" she cried. "And I want to live--for my children's +sake. But oh! not a day's respite! Always to walk among thorns! to +come near falling every instant! every instant to have to summon all my +strength to keep my balance! No human being can long endure such strain +upon the system. If I were certain of the ground I ought to take, if my +resistance could be a settled thing, then my mind might concentrate upon +it--but no, every day the attacks change character and leave me without +defence; my sorrows are not one, they are manifold. Ah! my friend--" +she cried, leaning her head upon my shoulder, and not continuing her +confidence. "What will become of me? Oh, what shall I do?" she said +presently, struggling with thoughts she did not express. "How can I +resist? He will kill me! No, I will kill myself--but that would be +a crime! Escape? yes, but my children! Separate from him? how, after +fifteen years of marriage, how could I ever tell my parents that I will +not live with him? for if my father and mother came here he would be +calm, polite, intelligent, judicious. Besides, can married women look to +fathers or mothers? Do they not belong body and soul to their husbands? +I could live tranquil if not happy--I have found strength in my chaste +solitude, I admit it; but if I am deprived of this negative happiness +I too shall become insane. My resistance is based on powerful reasons +which are not personal to myself. It is a crime to give birth to poor +creatures condemned to endless suffering. Yet my position raises serious +questions, so serious that I dare not decide them alone; I cannot be +judge and party both. To-morrow I will go to Tours and consult my new +confessor, the Abbe Birotteau--for my dear and virtuous Abbe de la Berge +is dead," she said, interrupting herself. "Though he was severe, I miss +and shall always miss his apostolic power. His successor is an angel of +goodness, who pities but does not reprimand. Still, all courage draws +fresh life from the heart of religion; what soul is not strengthened by +the voice of the Holy Spirit? My God," she said, drying her tears +and raising her eyes to heaven, "for what sin am I thus punished?--I +believe, yes, Felix, I believe it, we must pass through a fiery furnace +before we reach the saints, the just made perfect of the upper spheres. +Must I keep silence? Am I forbidden, oh, my God, to cry to the heart of +a friend? Do I love him too well?" She pressed me to her heart as though +she feared to lose me. "Who will solve my doubts? My conscience does not +reproach me. The stars shine from above on men; may not the soul, the +human star, shed its light upon a friend, if we go to him with pure +thoughts?" + +I listened to this dreadful cry in silence, holding her moist hand +in mine that was still more moist. I pressed it with a force to which +Henriette replied with an equal pressure. + +"Where are you?" cried the count, who came towards us, bareheaded. + +Ever since my return he had insisted on sharing our interviews,--either +because he wanted amusement, or feared the countess would tell me her +sorrows and complain to me, or because he was jealous of a pleasure he +did not share. + +"How he follows me!" she cried, in a tone of despair. "Let us go into +the orchard, we shall escape him. We can stoop as we run by the hedge, +and he will not see us." + +We made the hedge a rampart and reached the enclosure, where we were +soon at a good distance from the count in an alley of almond-trees. + +"Dear Henriette," I then said to her, pressing her arm against my heart +and stopping to contemplate her in her sorrow, "you have guided me with +true knowledge along the perilous ways of the great world; let me in +return give you some advice which may help you to end this duel without +witnesses, in which you must inevitably be worsted, for you are fighting +with unequal weapons. You must not struggle any longer with a madman--" + +"Hush!" she said, dashing aside the tears that rolled from her eyes. + +"Listen to me, dear," I continued. "After a single hour's talk with the +count, which I force myself to endure for love of you, my thoughts are +bewildered, my head heavy; he makes me doubtful of my own intellect; the +same ideas repeated over and over again seem to burn themselves on +my brain. Well-defined monomanias are not communicated; but when the +madness consists in a distorted way of looking at everything, and when +it lurks under all discussions, then it can and does injure the minds of +those who live with it. Your patience is sublime, but will it not end in +disordering you? For your sake, for that of your children, change your +system with the count. Your adorable kindness has made him selfish; you +have treated him as a mother treats the child she spoils; but now, if +you want to live--and you do want it," I said, looking at her, "use +the control you have over him. You know what it is; he loves you and +he fears you; make him fear you more; oppose his erratic will with your +firm will. Extend your power over him, confine his madness to a moral +sphere just as we lock maniacs in a cell." + +"Dear child," she said, smiling bitterly, "a woman without a heart +might do it. But I am a mother; I should make a poor jailer. Yes, I can +suffer, but I cannot make others suffer. Never!" she said, "never! not +even to obtain some great and honorable result. Besides, I should +have to lie in my heart, disguise my voice, lower my head, degrade my +gesture--do not ask of me such falsehoods. I can stand between Monsieur +de Mortsauf and his children, I willingly receive his blows that they +may not fall on others; I can do all that, and will do it to conciliate +conflicting interests, but I can do no more." + +"Let me worship thee, O saint, thrice holy!" I exclaimed, kneeling at +her feet and kissing her robe, with which I wiped my tears. "But if he +kills you?" I cried. + +She turned pale and said, lifting her eyes to heaven: + +"God's will be done!" + +"Do you know that the king said to your father, 'So that devil of a +Mortsauf is still living'?" + +"A jest on the lips of the king," she said, "is a crime when repeated +here." + +In spite of our precautions the count had tracked us; he now arrived, +bathed in perspiration, and sat down under a walnut-tree where the +countess had stopped to give me that rebuke. I began to talk about the +vintage; the count was silent, taking no notice of the dampness under +the tree. After a few insignificant remarks, interspersed with pauses +that were very significant, he complained of nausea and headache; but he +spoke gently, and did not appeal to our pity, or describe his sufferings +in his usual exaggerated way. We paid no attention to him. When we +reached the house, he said he felt worse and should go to bed; which he +did, quite naturally and with much less complaint than usual. We took +advantage of the respite and went down to our dear terrace accompanied +by Madeleine. + +"Let us get that boat and go upon the river," said the countess after +we had made a few turns. "We might go and look at the fishing which is +going on to-day." + +We went out by the little gate, found the punt, jumped into it and +were presently paddling up the Loire. Like three children amused with +trifles, we looked at the sedges along the banks and the blue and green +dragon-flies; the countess wondered perhaps that she was able to +enjoy such peaceful pleasures in the midst of her poignant griefs; +but Nature's calm, indifferent to our struggles, has a magic gift of +consolation. The tumults of a love full of restrained desires harmonize +with the wash of the water; the flowers that the hand of man has never +wilted are the voice of his secret dreams; the voluptuous swaying of the +boat vaguely responds to the thoughts that are floating in his soul. +We felt the languid influence of this double poesy. Words, tuned to the +diapason of nature, disclosed mysterious graces; looks were impassioned +rays sharing the light shed broadcast by the sun on the glowing meadows. +The river was a path along which we flew. Our spirit, no longer kept +down by the measured tread of our footsteps, took possession of the +universe. The abounding joy of a child at liberty, graceful in its +motions, enticing in its play, is the living expression of two freed +souls, delighting themselves by becoming ideally the wondrous being +dreamed of by Plato and known to all whose youth has been filled with +a blessed love. To describe to you that hour, not in its indescribable +details but in its essence, I must say to you that we loved each other +in all the creations animate and inanimate which surrounded us; we felt +without us the happiness our own hearts craved; it so penetrated our +being that the countess took off her gloves and let her hands float in +the water as if to cool an inward ardor. Her eyes spoke; but her mouth, +opening like a rose to the breeze, gave voice to no desire. You know the +harmony of deep tones mingling perfectly with high ones? Ever, when I +hear it now, it recalls to me the harmony of our two souls in this one +hour, which never came again. + +"Where do you fish?" I asked, "if you can only do so from the banks you +own?" + +"Near Pont-de-Ruan," she replied. "Ah! we now own the river from +Pont-de-Ruan to Clochegourde; Monsieur de Mortsauf has lately bought +forty acres of the meadow lands with the savings of two years and the +arrearage of his pension. Does that surprise you?" + +"Surprise me?" I cried; "I would that all the valley were yours." She +answered me with a smile. Presently we came below the bridge to a place +where the Indre widens and where the fishing was going on. + +"Well, Martineau?" she said. + +"Ah, Madame la comtesse, such bad luck! We have fished up from the mill +the last three hours, and have taken nothing." + +We landed near them to watch the drawing in of the last net, and all +three of us sat down in the shade of a "bouillard," a sort of poplar +with a white bark, which grows on the banks of the Danube and the Loire +(probably on those of other large rivers), and sheds, in the spring +of the year, a white and silky fluff, the covering of its flower. The +countess had recovered her august serenity; she half regretted the +unveiling of her griefs, and mourned that she had cried aloud like Job, +instead of weeping like the Magdalen,--a Magdalen without loves, or +galas, or prodigalities, but not without beauty and fragrance. The net +came in at her feet full of fish; tench, barbels, pike, perch, and an +enormous carp, which floundered about on the grass. + +"Madame brings luck!" exclaimed the keeper. + +All the laborers opened their eyes as they looked with admiration at the +woman whose fairy wand seemed to have touched the nets. Just then the +huntsman was seen urging his horse over the meadows at a full gallop. +Fear took possession of her. Jacques was not with us, and the mother's +first thought, as Virgil so poetically says, is to press her children to +her breast when danger threatens. + +"Jacques! Where is Jacques? What has happened to my boy?" + +She did not love me! If she had loved me I should have seen upon her +face when confronted with my sufferings that expression of a lioness in +despair. + +"Madame la comtesse, Monsieur le comte is worse." + +She breathed more freely and started to run towards Clochegourde, +followed by me and by Madeleine. + +"Follow me slowly," she said, looking back; "don't let the dear child +overheat herself. You see how it is; Monsieur de Mortsauf took that +walk in the sun which put him into a perspiration, and sitting under the +walnut-tree may be the cause of a great misfortune." + +The words, said in the midst of her agitation, showed plainly the +purity of her soul. The death of the count a misfortune! She reached +Clochegourde with great rapidity, passing through a gap in the wall and +crossing the fields. I returned slowly. Henriette's words lighted my +mind, but as the lightning falls and blasts the gathered harvest. On +the river I had fancied I was her chosen one; now I felt bitterly the +sincerity of her words. The lover who is not everything is nothing. I +loved with the desire of a love that knows what it seeks; which feeds in +advance on coming transports, and is content with the pleasures of +the soul because it mingles with them others which the future keeps +in store. If Henriette loved, it was certain that she knew neither the +pleasures of love nor its tumults. She lived by feelings only, like a +saint with God. I was the object on which her thoughts fastened as +bees swarm upon the branch of a flowering tree. In my mad jealousy I +reproached myself that I had dared nothing, that I had not tightened +the bonds of a tenderness which seemed to me at that moment more subtile +than real, by the chains of positive possession. + +The count's illness, caused perhaps by a chill under the walnut-tree, +became alarming in a few hours. I went to Tours for a famous doctor +named Origet, but was unable to find him until evening. He spent that +night and the next day at Clochegourde. We had sent the huntsman in +quest of leeches, but the doctor, thinking the case urgent, wished to +bleed the count immediately, but had brought no lancet with him. I +at once started for Azay in the midst of a storm, roused a surgeon, +Monsieur Deslandes, and compelled him to come with the utmost celerity +to Clochegourde. Ten minutes later and the count would have died; the +bleeding saved him. But in spite of this preliminary success the doctor +predicted an inflammatory fever of the worst kind. The countess was +overcome by the fear that she was the secret cause of this crisis. Two +weak to thank me for my exertions, she merely gave me a few smiles, the +equivalent of the kiss she had once laid upon my hand. Fain would I have +seen in those haggard smiles the remorse of illicit love; but no, they +were only the act of contrition of an innocent repentance, painful to +see in one so pure, the expression of admiring tenderness for me whom +she regarded as noble while reproaching herself for an imaginary wrong. +Surely she loved as Laura loved Petrarch, and not as Francesca da Rimini +loved Paolo,--a terrible discovery for him who had dreamed the union of +the two loves. + +The countess half lay, her body bent forwards, her arms hanging, in a +soiled armchair in a room that was like the lair of a wild boar. The +next evening before the doctor departed he said to the countess, who had +sat up the night before, that she must get a nurse, as the illness would +be a long one. + +"A nurse!" she said; "no, no! We will take care of him," she added, +looking at me; "we owe it to ourselves to save him." + +The doctor gave us both an observing look full of astonishment. The +words were of a nature to make him suspect an atonement. He promised +to come twice a week, left directions for the treatment with Monsieur +Deslandes, and pointed out the threatening symptoms that might oblige +us to send for him. I asked the countess to let me sit up the alternate +nights and then, not without difficulty, I persuaded her to go to bed on +the third night. When the house was still and the count sleeping I heard +a groan from Henriette's room. My anxiety was so keen that I went to +her. She was kneeling before the crucifix bathed in tears. "My God!" she +cried; "if this be the cost of a murmur, I will never complain again." + +"You have left him!" she said on seeing me. + +"I heard you moaning, and I was frightened." + +"Oh, I!" she said; "I am well." + +Wishing to be certain that Monsieur de Mortsauf was asleep she came +down with me; by the light of the lamp we looked at him. The count was +weakened by the loss of blood and was more drowsy than asleep; his hands +picked the counterpane and tried to draw it over him. + +"They say the dying do that," she whispered. "Ah! if he were to die of +this illness, that I have caused, never will I marry again, I swear it," +she said, stretching her hand over his head with a solemn gesture. + +"I have done all I could to save him," I said. + +"Oh, you!" she said, "you are good; it is I who am guilty." + +She stooped to that discolored brow, wiped the perspiration from it and +laid a kiss there solemnly; but I saw, not without joy, that she did it +as an expiation. + +"Blanche, I am thirsty," said the count in a feeble voice. + +"You see he knows me," she said giving him to drink. + +Her accent, her affectionate manner to him seemed to me to take the +feelings that bound us together and immolate them to the sick man. + +"Henriette," I said, "go and rest, I entreat you." + +"No more Henriette," she said, interrupting me with imperious haste. + +"Go to bed if you would not be ill. Your children, _he himself_ would +order you to be careful; it is a case where selfishness becomes a +virtue." + +"Yes," she said. + +She went away, recommending her husband to my care by a gesture which +would have seemed like approaching delirium if childlike grace had not +been mingled with the supplicating forces of repentance. But the scene +was terrible, judged by the habitual state of that pure soul; it alarmed +me; I feared the exaltation of her conscience. When the doctor +came again, I revealed to him the nature of my pure Henriette's +self-reproach. This confidence, made discreetly, removed Monsieur +Origet's suspicions, and enabled him to quiet the distress of that noble +soul by telling her that in any case the count had to pass through this +crisis, and that as for the nut-tree, his remaining there had done more +good than harm by developing the disease. + +For fifty-two days the count hovered between life and death. Henriette +and I each watched twenty-six nights. Undoubtedly, Monsieur de Mortsauf +owed his life to our nursing and to the careful exactitude with which +we carried out the orders of Monsieur Origet. Like all philosophical +physicians, whose sagacious observation of what passes before them +justifies many a doubt of noble actions when they are only the +accomplishment of a duty, this man, while assisting the countess and +me in our rivalry of devotion, could not help watching us, with +scrutinizing glances, so afraid was he of being deceived in his +admiration. + +"In diseases of this nature," he said to me at his third visit, "death +has a powerful auxiliary in the moral nature when that is seriously +disturbed, as it is in this case. The doctor, the family, the nurses +hold the patient's life in their hands; sometimes a single word, a fear +expressed by a gesture, has the effect of poison." + +As he spoke Origet studied my face and expression; but he saw in my eyes +the clear look of an honest soul. In fact during the whole course of +this distressing illness there never passed through my mind a single one +of the involuntary evil thoughts which do sometimes sear the consciences +of the innocent. To those who study nature in its grandeur as a +whole all tends to unity through assimilation. The moral world must +undoubtedly be ruled by an analogous principle. In an pure sphere all +is pure. The atmosphere of heaven was around my Henriette; it seemed as +though an evil desire must forever part me from her. Thus she not only +stood for happiness, but for virtue; she _was_ virtue. Finding us always +equally careful and attentive, the doctor's words and manners took a +tone of respect and even pity; he seemed to say to himself, "Here +are the real sufferers; they hide their ills, and forget them." By a +fortunate change, which, according to our excellent doctor, is common +enough in men who are completely shattered, Monsieur de Mortsauf +was patient, obedient, complained little, and showed surprising +docility,--he, who when well never did the simplest thing without +discussion. The secret of this submission to medical care, which he +formerly so derided, was an innate dread of death; another contradiction +in a man of tried courage. This dread may perhaps explain several +other peculiarities in the character which the cruel years of exile had +developed. + +Shall I admit to you, Natalie, and will you believe me? these fifty days +and the month that followed them were the happiest moments of my life. +Love, in the celestial spaces of the soul is like a noble river flowing +through a valley; the rains, the brooks, the torrents hie to it, the +trees fall upon its surface, so do the flowers, the gravel of its +shores, the rocks of the summits; storms and the loitering tribute of +the crystal streams alike increase it. Yes, when love comes all comes to +love! + +The first great danger over, the countess and I grew accustomed to +illness. In spite of the confusion which the care of the sick entails, +the count's room, once so untidy, was now clean and inviting. Soon +we were like two beings flung upon a desert island, for not only do +anxieties isolate, but they brush aside as petty the conventions of the +world. The welfare of the sick man obliged us to have points of contact +which no other circumstances would have authorized. Many a time our +hands, shy or timid formerly, met in some service that we rendered to +the count--was I not there to sustain and help my Henriette? Absorbed +in a duty comparable to that of a soldier at the pickets, she forgot +to eat; then I served her, sometimes on her lap, a hasty meal which +necessitated a thousand little attentions. We were like children at a +grave. She would order me sharply to prepare whatever might ease the +sick man's suffering; she employed me in a hundred petty ways. During +the time when actual danger obscured, as it does during the battle, the +subtile distinctions which characterize the facts of ordinary life, +she necessarily laid aside the reserve which all women, even the most +unconventional, preserve in their looks and words and actions before the +world or their own family. At the first chirping of the birds she would +come to relieve my watch, wearing a morning garment which revealed to +me once more the dazzling treasures that in my folly I had treated as my +own. Always dignified, nay imposing, she could still be familiar. + +Thus it came to pass that we found ourselves unconsciously intimate, +half-married as it were. She showed herself nobly confiding, as sure of +me as she was of herself. I was thus taken deeper and deeper into her +heart. The countess became once more my Henriette, Henriette constrained +to love with increasing strength the friend who endeavored to be her +second soul. Her hand unresistingly met mine at the least solicitation; +my eyes were permitted to follow with delight the lines of her beauty +during the long hours when we listened to the count's breathing, without +driving her from their sight. The meagre pleasures which we allowed +ourselves--sympathizing looks, words spoken in whispers not to wake +the count, hopes and fears repeated and again repeated, in short, the +thousand incidents of the fusion of two hearts long separated--stand +out in bright array upon the sombre background of the actual scene. Our +souls knew each other to their depths under this test, which many a warm +affection is unable to bear, finding life too heavy or too flimsy in the +close bonds of hourly intercourse. + +You know what disturbance follows the illness of a master; how the +affairs of life seem to come to a standstill. Though the real care of +the family and estate fell upon Madame de Mortsauf, the count was useful +in his way; he talked with the farmers, transacted business with his +bailiff, and received the rents; if she was the soul, he was the body. +I now made myself her steward so that she could nurse the count without +neglecting the property. She accepted this as a matter of course, in +fact without thanking me. It was another sweet communion to share her +family cares, to transmit her orders. In the evenings we often met in +her room to discuss these interests and those of her children. Such +conversations gave one semblance the more to our transitory marriage. +With what delight she encouraged me to take a husband's place, giving me +his seat at table, sending me to talk with the bailiff,--all in perfect +innocence, yet not without that inward pleasure the most virtuous woman +in the world will feel when she finds a course where strict obedience to +duty and the satisfaction of her wishes are combined. + +Nullified, as it were, by illness, the count no longer oppressed his +wife or his household, the countess then became her natural self; she +busied herself with my affairs and showed me a thousand kindnesses. With +what joy I discovered in her mind a thought, vaguely conceived perhaps, +but exquisitely expressed, namely, to show me the full value of her +person and her qualities and make me see the change that would come over +her if she lived understood. This flower, kept in the cold atmosphere +of such a home, opened to my gaze, and to mine only; she took as much +delight in letting me comprehend her as I felt in studying her with the +searching eyes of love. She proved to me in all the trifling things +of daily life how much I was in her thoughts. When, after my turn of +watching, I went to bed and slept late, Henriette would keep the house +absolutely silent near me; Jacques and Madeleine played elsewhere, +though never ordered to do so; she invented excuses to serve my +breakfast herself--ah, with what sparkling pleasure in her movements, +what swallow-like rapidity, what lynx-eyed perception! and then! what +carnation on her cheeks, what quiverings in her voice! + +Can such expansions of the soul be described in words? + +Often she was wearied out; but if, at such moments of lassitude my +welfare came in question, for me, as for her children, she found fresh +strength and sprang up eagerly and joyfully. How she loved to shed her +tenderness like sunbeams in the air! Ah, Natalie, some women share +the privileges of angels here below; they diffuse that light which +Saint-Martin, the mysterious philosopher, declared to be intelligent, +melodious, and perfumed. Sure of my discretion, Henriette took pleasure +in raising the curtain which hid the future and in showing me two women +in her,--the woman bound hand and foot who had won me in spite of her +severity, and the woman freed, whose sweetness should make my love +eternal! What a difference. Madame de Mortsauf was the skylark of +Bengal, transported to our cold Europe, mournful on its perch, silent +and dying in the cage of a naturalist; Henriette was the singing bird of +oriental poems in groves beside the Ganges, flying from branch to branch +like a living jewel amid the roses of a volkameria that ever blooms. Her +beauty grew more beautiful, her mind recovered strength. The continual +sparkle of this happiness was a secret between ourselves, for she +dreaded the eye of the Abbe Dominis, the representative of the world; +she masked her contentment with playfulness, and covered the proofs of +her tenderness with the banner of gratitude. + +"We have put your friendship to a severe test, Felix; we may give you +the same rights we give to Jacques, may we not, Monsieur l'abbe?" she +said one day. + +The stern abbe answered with the smile of a man who can read the human +heart and see its purity; for the countess he always showed the respect +mingled with adoration which the angels inspire. Twice during those +fifty days the countess passed beyond the limits in which we held our +affection. But even these infringements were shrouded in a veil, never +lifted until the final hour when avowal came. One morning, during the +first days of the count's illness, when she repented her harsh treatment +in withdrawing the innocent privileges she had formerly granted me, I +was expecting her to relieve my watch. Much fatigued, I fell asleep, my +head against the wall. I wakened suddenly at the touch of something +cool upon my forehead which gave me a sensation as if a rose had rested +there. I opened my eyes and saw the countess, standing a few steps +distant, who said, "I have just come." I rose to leave the room, but as +I bade her good-bye I took her hand; it was moist and trembling. + +"Are you ill?" I said. + +"Why do you ask that question?" she replied. + +I looked at her blushing and confused. "I was dreaming," I replied. + +Another time, when Monsieur Origet had announced positively that the +count was convalescent, I was lying with Jacques and Madeleine on the +step of the portico intent on a game of spillikins which we were playing +with bits of straw and hooks made of pins; Monsieur de Mortsauf was +asleep. The doctor, while waiting for his horse to be harnessed, was +talking with the countess in the salon. Monsieur Origet went away +without my noticing his departure. After he left, Henriette leaned +against the window, from which she watched us for some time without +our seeing her. It was one of those warm evenings when the sky is +copper-colored and the earth sends up among the echoes a myriad mingling +noises. A last ray of sunlight was leaving the roofs, the flowers in +the garden perfumed the air, the bells of the cattle returning to their +stalls sounded in the distance. We were all conforming to the silence +of the evening hour and hushing our voices that we might not wake +the count. Suddenly, I heard the guttural sound of a sob violently +suppressed; I rushed into the salon and found the countess sitting by +the window with her handkerchief to her face. She heard my step and made +me an imperious gesture, commanding me to leave her. I went up to her, +my heart stabbed with fear, and tried to take her handkerchief away by +force. Her face was bathed in tears and she fled into her room, which +she did not leave again until the hour for evening prayer. When that was +over, I led her to the terrace and asked the cause of her emotion; she +affected a wild gaiety and explained it by the news Monsieur Origet had +given her. + +"Henriette, Henriette, you knew that news when I saw you weeping. +Between you and me a lie is monstrous. Why did you forbid me to dry your +tears? were they mine?" + +"I was thinking," she said, "that for me this illness has been a halt +in pain. Now that I no longer fear for Monsieur de Mortsauf I fear for +myself." + +She was right. The count's recovery was soon attested by the return of +his fantastic humor. He began by saying that neither the countess, nor +I, nor the doctor had known how to take care of him; we were ignorant +of his constitution and also of his disease; we misunderstood his +sufferings and the necessary remedies. Origet, infatuated with his own +doctrines, had mistaken the case, he ought to have attended only to +the pylorus. One day he looked at us maliciously, with an air of having +guessed our thoughts, and said to his wife with a smile, "Now, my dear, +if I had died you would have regretted me, no doubt, but pray admit you +would have been quite resigned." + +"Yes, I should have mourned you in pink and black, court mourning," she +answered laughing, to change the tone of his remarks. + +But it was chiefly about his food, which the doctor insisted on +regulating, that scenes of violence and wrangling now took place, unlike +any that had hitherto occurred; for the character of the count was all +the more violent for having slumbered. The countess, fortified by the +doctor's orders and the obedience of her servants, stimulated too by +me, who thought this struggle a good means to teach her to exercise +authority over the count, held out against his violence. She showed +a calm front to his demented cries, and even grew accustomed to his +insulting epithets, taking him for what he was, a child. I had the +happiness of at last seeing her take the reins in hand and govern that +unsound mind. The count cried out, but he obeyed; and he obeyed all the +better when he had made an outcry. But in spite of the evidence of good +results, Henriette often wept at the spectacle of this emaciated, feeble +old man, with a forehead yellower than the falling leaves, his eyes wan, +his hands trembling. She blamed herself for too much severity, and could +not resist the joy she saw in his eyes when, in measuring out his food, +she gave him more than the doctor allowed. She was even more gentle and +gracious to him than she had been to me; but there were differences +here which filled my heart with joy. She was not unwearying, and she +sometimes called her servants to wait upon the count when his caprices +changed too rapidly, and he complained of not being understood. + +The countess wished to return thanks to God for the count's recovery; +she directed a mass to be said, and asked if I would take her to church. +I did so, but I left her at the door, and went to see Monsieur and +Madame Chessel. On my return she reproached me. + +"Henriette," I said, "I cannot be false. I will throw myself into the +water to save my enemy from drowning, and give him my coat to keep him +warm; I will forgive him, but I cannot forget the wrong." + +She was silent, but she pressed my arm. + +"You are an angel, and you were sincere in your thanksgiving," I said, +continuing. "The mother of the Prince of the Peace was saved from the +hands of an angry populace who sought to kill her, and when the queen +asked, 'What did you do?' she answered, 'I prayed for them.' Women are +ever thus. I am a man, and necessarily imperfect." + +"Don't calumniate yourself," she said, shaking my arm, "perhaps you are +more worthy than I." + +"Yes," I replied, "for I would give eternity for a day of happiness, and +you--" + +"I!" she said haughtily. + +I was silent and lowered my eyes to escape the lightning of hers. + +"There is many an I in me," she said. "Of which do you speak? Those +children," pointing to Jacques and Madeleine, "are one--Felix," she +cried in a heartrending voice, "do you think me selfish? Ought I to +sacrifice eternity to reward him who devotes to me his life? The thought +is dreadful; it wounds every sentiment of religion. Could a woman so +fallen rise again? Would her happiness absolve her? These are questions +you force me to consider.--Yes, I betray at last the secret of my +conscience; the thought has traversed my heart; often do I expiate it by +penance; it caused the tears you asked me to account for yesterday--" + +"Do you not give too great importance to certain things which common +women hold at a high price, and--" + +"Oh!" she said, interrupting me; "do you hold them at a lower?" + +This logic stopped all argument. + +"Know this," she continued. "I might have the baseness to abandon +that poor old man whose life I am; but, my friend, those other feeble +creatures there before us, Madeleine and Jacques, would remain with +their father. Do you think, I ask you do you think they would be alive +in three months under the insane dominion of that man? If my failure of +duty concerned only myself--" A noble smile crossed her face. "But shall +I kill my children! My God!" she exclaimed. "Why speak of these things? +Marry, and let me die!" + +She said the words in a tone so bitter, so hollow, that they stifled the +remonstrances of my passion. + +"You uttered cries that day beneath the walnut-tree; I have uttered my +cries here beneath these alders, that is all," I said; "I will be silent +henceforth." + +"Your generosity shames me," she said, raising her eyes to heaven. + +We reached the terrace and found the count sitting in a chair, in the +sun. The sight of that sunken face, scarcely brightened by a feeble +smile, extinguished the last flames that came from the ashes. I leaned +against the balustrade and considered the picture of that poor wreck, +between his sickly children and his wife, pale with her vigils, worn +out by extreme fatigue, by the fears, perhaps also by the joys of these +terrible months, but whose cheeks now glowed from the emotions she had +just passed through. At the sight of that suffering family beneath the +trembling leafage through which the gray light of a cloudy autumn sky +came dimly, I felt within me a rupture of the bonds which hold the body +to the spirit. There came upon me then that moral spleen which, they +say, the strongest wrestlers know in the crisis of their combats, a +species of cold madness which makes a coward of the bravest man, a bigot +of an unbeliever, and renders those it grasps indifferent to all things, +even to vital sentiments, to honor, to love--for the doubt it brings +takes from us the knowledge of ourselves and disgusts us with life +itself. Poor, nervous creatures, whom the very richness of your +organization delivers over to this mysterious, fatal power, who are your +peers and who your judges? Horrified by the thoughts that rose within +me, and demanding, like the wicked man, "Where is now thy God?" I could +not restrain the tears that rolled down my cheeks. + +"What is it, dear Felix?" said Madeleine in her childish voice. + +Then Henriette put to flight these dark horrors of the mind by a look of +tender solicitude which shone into my soul like a sunbeam. Just then the +old huntsman brought me a letter from Tours, at sight of which I made a +sudden cry of surprise, which made Madame de Mortsauf tremble. I saw the +king's signet and knew it contained my recall. I gave her the letter and +she read it at a glance. + +"What will become of me?" she murmured, beholding her desert sunless. + +We fell into a stupor of thought which oppressed us equally; never +had we felt more strongly how necessary we were to one another. The +countess, even when she spoke indifferently of other things, seemed to +have a new voice, as if the instrument had lost some chords and others +were out of tune. Her movements were apathetic, her eyes without light. +I begged her to tell me her thoughts. + +"Have I any?" she replied in a dazed way. + +She drew me into her chamber, made me sit upon the sofa, took a package +from the drawer of her dressing-table, and knelt before me, saying: +"This hair has fallen from my head during the last year; take it, it is +yours; you will some day know how and why." + +Slowly I bent to meet her brow, and she did not avoid my lips. I kissed +her sacredly, without unworthy passion, without one impure impulse, but +solemnly, with tenderness. Was she willing to make the sacrifice; or did +she merely come, as I did once, to the verge of the precipice? If love +were leading her to give herself could she have worn that calm, that +holy look; would she have asked, in that pure voice of hers, "You are +not angry with me, are you?" + +I left that evening; she wished to accompany me on the road to Frapesle; +and we stopped under my walnut-tree. I showed it to her, and told her +how I had first seen her four years earlier from that spot. "The valley +was so beautiful then!" I cried. + +"And now?" she said quickly. + +"You are beneath my tree, and the valley is ours!" + +She bowed her head and that was our farewell; she got into her carriage +with Madeleine, and I into mine alone. + +On my return to Paris I was absorbed in pressing business which took +all my time and kept me out of society, which for a while forgot me. +I corresponded with Madame de Mortsauf, and sent her my journal once a +week. She answered twice a month. It was a life of solitude yet teeming, +like those sequestered spots, blooming unknown, which I had sometimes +found in the depths of woods when gathering the flowers for my poems. + +Oh, you who love! take these obligations on you; accept these daily +duties, like those the Church imposes upon Christians. The rigorous +observances of the Roman faith contain a great idea; they plough the +furrow of duty in the soul by the daily repetition of acts which keep +alive the sense of hope and fear. Sentiments flow clearer in furrowed +channels which purify their stream; they refresh the heart, they +fertilize the life from the abundant treasures of a hidden faith, the +source divine in which the single thought of a single love is multiplied +indefinitely. + +My love, an echo of the Middle Ages and of chivalry, was known, I know +not how; possibly the king and the Duc de Lenoncourt had spoken of it. +From that upper sphere the romantic yet simple story of a young man +piously adoring a beautiful woman remote from the world, noble in her +solitude, faithful without support to duty, spread, no doubt quickly, +through the faubourg St. Germain. In the salons I was the object of +embarrassing notice; for retired life has advantages which if +once experienced make the burden of a constant social intercourse +insupportable. Certain minds are painfully affected by violent +contrasts, just as eyes accustomed to soft colors are hurt by glaring +light. This was my condition then; you may be surprised at it now, but +have patience; the inconsistencies of the Vandenesse of to-day will be +explained to you. + +I found society courteous and women most kind. After the marriage of the +Duc de Berry the court resumed its former splendor and the glory of +the French fetes revived. The Allied occupation was over, prosperity +reappeared, enjoyments were again possible. Noted personages, +illustrious by rank, prominent by fortune, came from all parts of Europe +to the capital of the intellect, where the merits and the vices of +other countries were found magnified and whetted by the charms of French +intellect. + +Five months after leaving Clochegourde my good angel wrote me, in the +middle of the winter, a despairing letter, telling me of the serious +illness of her son. He was then out of danger, but there were many fears +for the future; the doctor said that precautions were necessary for +his lungs--the suggestion of a terrible idea which had put the mother's +heart in mourning. Hardly had Jacques begun to convalesce, and she could +breathe again, when Madeleine made them all uneasy. That pretty plant, +whose bloom had lately rewarded the mother's culture, was now frail +and pallid and anemic. The countess, worn-out by Jacques' long illness, +found no courage, she said, to bear this additional blow, and the +ever present spectacle of these two dear failing creatures made her +insensible to the redoubled torment of her husband's temper. Thus the +storms were again raging; tearing up by the roots the hopes that were +planted deepest in her bosom. She was now at the mercy of the count; +weary of the struggle, she allowed him to regain all the ground he had +lost. + +"When all my strength is employed in caring for my children," she wrote, +"how is it possible to employ it against Monsieur de Mortsauf; how can +I struggle against his aggressions when I am fighting against death? +Standing here to-day, alone and much enfeebled, between these two young +images of mournful fate, I am overpowered with disgust, invincible +disgust for life. What blow can I feel, to what affection can I answer, +when I see Jacques motionless on the terrace, scarcely a sign of life +about him, except in those dear eyes, large by emaciation, hollow as +those of an old man and, oh, fatal sign, full of precocious intelligence +contrasting with his physical debility. When I look at my pretty +Madeleine, once so gay, so caressing, so blooming, now white as death, +her very hair and eyes seem to me to have paled; she turns a languishing +look upon me as if bidding me farewell; nothing rouses her, nothing +tempts her. In spite of all my efforts I cannot amuse my children; they +smile at me, but their smile is only in answer to my endearments, it +does not come from them. They weep because they have no strength to play +with me. Suffering has enfeebled their whole being, it has loosened even +the ties that bound them to me. + +"Thus you can well believe that Clochegourde is very sad. Monsieur de +Mortsauf now rules everything--Oh my friend! you, my glory!" she wrote, +farther on, "you must indeed love me well to love me still; to love me +callous, ungrateful, turned to stone by grief." + + + + +CHAPTER III. THE TWO WOMEN + +It was at this time, when I was never more deeply moved in my whole +being, when I lived in that soul to which I strove to send the luminous +breeze of the mornings and the hope of the crimsoned evenings, that +I met, in the salons of the Elysee-Bourbon, one of those illustrious +ladies who reign as sovereigns in society. Immensely rich, born of a +family whose blood was pure from all misalliance since the Conquest, +married to one of the most distinguished old men of the British peerage, +it was nevertheless evident that these advantages were mere accessories +heightening this lady's beauty, graces, manners, and wit, all of which +had a brilliant quality which dazzled before it charmed. She was the +idol of the day; reigning the more securely over Parisian society +because she possessed the quality most necessary to success,--the hand +of iron in the velvet glove spoken of by Bernadotte. + +You know the singular characteristics of English people, the distance +and coldness of their own Channel which they put between them and +whoever has not been presented to them in a proper manner. Humanity +seems to be an ant-hill on which they tread; they know none of their +species except the few they admit into their circle; they ignore even +the language of the rest; tongues may move and eyes may see in their +presence but neither sound nor look has reached them; to them, the +people are as if they were not. The British present an image of their +own island, where law rules everything, where all is automatic in +every station of life, where the exercise of virtue appears to be the +necessary working of a machine which goes by clockwork. Fortifications +of polished steel rise around the Englishwoman behind the golden wires +of her household cage (where the feed-box and the drinking-cup, the +perches and the food are exquisite in quality), but they make her +irresistibly attractive. No people ever trained married women so +carefully to hypocrisy by holding them rigidly between the two extremes +of death or social station; for them there is no middle path between +shame and honor; either the wrong is completed or it does not exist; +it is all or nothing,--Hamlet's "To be or not to be." This alternative, +coupled with the scorn to which the customs of her country have trained +her, make an Englishwoman a being apart in the world. She is a helpless +creature, forced to be virtuous yet ready to yield, condemned to live +a lie in her heart, yet delightful in outward appearance--for these +English rest everything on appearances. Hence the special charms of +their women: the enthusiasm for a love which is all their life; the +minuteness of their care for their persons; the delicacy of their +passion, so charmingly rendered in the famous scene of Romeo and +Juliet in which, with one stroke, Shakespeare's genius depicted his +country-women. + +You, who envy them so many things, what can I tell you that you do not +know of these white sirens, impenetrable apparently but easily fathomed, +who believe that love suffices love, and turn enjoyments to satiety +by never varying them; whose soul has one note only, their voice one +syllable--an ocean of love in themselves, it is true, and he who has +never swum there misses part of the poetry of the senses, as he who has +never seen the sea has lost some strings of his lyre. You know the +why and wherefore of these words. My relations with the Marchioness +of Dudley had a disastrous celebrity. At an age when the senses have +dominion over our conduct, and when in my case they had been violently +repressed by circumstances, the image of the saint bearing her slow +martyrdom at Clochegourde shone so vividly before my mind that I was +able to resist all seductions. It was the lustre of this fidelity which +attracted Lady Dudley's attention. My resistance stimulated her passion. +What she chiefly desired, like many Englishwoman, was the spice of +singularity; she wanted pepper, capsicum, with her heart's food, just +as Englishmen need condiments to excite their appetite. The dull languor +forced into the lives of these women by the constant perfection of +everything about them, the methodical regularity of their habits, leads +them to adore the romantic and to welcome difficulty. I was wholly +unable to judge of such a character. The more I retreated to a cold +distance the more impassioned Lady Dudley became. The struggle, in +which she gloried, excited the curiosity of several persons, and this in +itself was a form of happiness which to her mind made ultimate triumph +obligatory. Ah! I might have been saved if some good friend had +then repeated to me her cruel comment on my relations with Madame de +Mortsauf. + +"I am wearied to death," she said, "of these turtle-dove sighings." + +Without seeking to justify my crime, I ask you to observe, Natalie, that +a man has fewer means of resisting a woman than she has of escaping him. +Our code of manners forbids the brutality of repressing a woman, whereas +repression with your sex is not only allurement to ours, but is imposed +upon you by conventions. With us, on the contrary, some unwritten law +of masculine self-conceit ridicules a man's modesty; we leave you the +monopoly of that virtue, that you may have the privilege of granting us +favors; but reverse the case, and man succumbs before sarcasm. + +Though protected by my love, I was not of an age to be wholly insensible +to the triple seductions of pride, devotion, and beauty. When Arabella +laid at my feet the homage of a ball-room where she reigned a queen, +when she watched by glance to know if my taste approved of her dress, +and when she trembled with pleasure on seeing that she pleased me, I was +affected by her emotion. Besides, she occupied a social position where +I could not escape her; I could not refuse invitations in the diplomatic +circle; her rank admitted her everywhere, and with the cleverness all +women display to obtain what pleases them, she often contrived that +the mistress of the house should place me beside her at dinner. On such +occasions she spoke in low tones to my ear. "If I were loved like Madame +de Mortsauf," she said once, "I should sacrifice all." She did submit +herself with a laugh in many humble ways; she promised me a discretion +equal to any test, and even asked that I would merely suffer her to +love me. "Your friend always, your mistress when you will," she said. At +last, after an evening when she had made herself so beautiful that she +was certain to have excited my desires, she came to me. The scandal +resounded through England, where the aristocracy was horrified like +heaven itself at the fall of its highest angel. Lady Dudley abandoned +her place in the British empyrean, gave up her wealth, and endeavored to +eclipse by her sacrifices _her_ whose virtue had been the cause of this +great disaster. She took delight, like the devil on the pinnacle of the +temple, in showing me all the riches of her passionate kingdom. + +Read me, I pray you, with indulgence. The matter concerns one of the +most interesting problems of human life,--a crisis to which most men +are subjected, and which I desire to explain, if only to place a warning +light upon the reef. This beautiful woman, so slender, so fragile, this +milk-white creature, so yielding, so submissive, so gentle, her brow so +endearing, the hair that crowns it so fair and fine, this tender woman, +whose brilliancy is phosphorescent and fugitive, has, in truth, an +iron nature. No horse, no matter how fiery he may be, can conquer her +vigorous wrist, or strive against that hand so soft in appearance, but +never tired. She has the foot of a doe, a thin, muscular little foot, +indescribably graceful in outline. She is so strong that she fears +no struggle; men cannot follow her on horseback; she would win a +steeple-chase against a centaur; she can bring down a stag without +stopping her horse. Her body never perspires; it inhales the fire of the +atmosphere, and lives in water under pain of not living at all. Her +love is African; her desires are like the whirlwinds of the desert--the +desert, whose torrid expanse is in her eyes, the azure, love-laden +desert, with its changeless skies, its cool and starry nights. What a +contrast to Clochegourde! the east and the west! the one drawing into +her every drop of moisture for her own nourishment, the other exuding +her soul, wrapping her dear ones in her luminous atmosphere; the one +quick and slender; the other slow and massive. + +Have you ever reflected on the actual meaning of the manners and +customs and morals of England? Is it not the deification of matter? a +well-defined, carefully considered Epicureanism, judiciously applied? +No matter what may be said against the statement, England is +materialist,--possibly she does not know it herself. She lays claim to +religion and morality, from which, however, divine spirituality, the +catholic soul, is absent; and its fructifying grace cannot be replaced +by any counterfeit, however well presented it may be. England possesses +in the highest degree that science of existence which turns to account +every particle of materiality; the science that makes her women's +slippers the most exquisite slippers in the world, gives to their +linen ineffable fragrance, lines their drawers with cedar, serves tea +carefully drawn, at a certain hour, banishes dust, nails the carpets +to the floors in every corner of the house, brushes the cellar walls, +polishes the knocker of the front door, oils the springs of the +carriage,--in short, makes matter a nutritive and downy pulp, clean and +shining, in the midst of which the soul expires of enjoyment and the +frightful monotony of comfort in a life without contrasts, deprived of +spontaneity, and which, to sum all in one word, makes a machine of you. + +Thus I suddenly came to know, in the bosom of this British luxury, a +woman who is perhaps unique among her sex; who caught me in the nets of +a love excited by my indifference, and to the warmth of which I opposed +a stern continence,--one of those loves possessed of overwhelming charm, +an electricity of their own, which lead us to the skies through the +ivory gates of slumber, or bear us thither on their powerful pinions. +A love monstrously ungrateful, which laughs at the bodies of those it +kills; love without memory, a cruel love, resembling the policy of the +English nation; a love to which, alas, most men yield. You understand +the problem? Man is composed of matter and spirit; animality comes to +its end in him, and the angel begins in him. There lies the struggle we +all pass through, between the future destiny of which we are conscious +and the influence of anterior instincts from which we are not wholly +detached,--carnal love and divine love. One man combines them, another +abstains altogether; some there are who seek the satisfaction of their +anterior appetites from the whole sex; others idealize their love in one +woman who is to them the universe; some float irresolutely between the +delights of matter and the joys of soul, others spiritualize the body, +requiring of it that which it cannot give. + +If, thinking over these leading characteristics of love, you take into +account the dislikes and the affinities which result from the diversity +of organisms, and which sooner or later break all ties between those who +have not fully tried each other; if you add to this the mistakes arising +from the hopes of those who live more particularly either by their +minds, or by their hearts, or by action, who either think, or feel, or +act, and whose tendency is misunderstood in the close association in +which two persons, equal counterparts, find themselves, you will have +great indulgence for sorrows to which the world is pitiless. Well, Lady +Dudley gratified the instincts, organs, appetites, the vices and virtues +of the subtile matter of which we are made; she was the mistress of the +body; Madame de Mortsauf was the wife of the soul. The love which +the mistress satisfies has its limits; matter is finite, its inherent +qualities have an ascertained force, it is capable of saturation; often +I felt a void even in Paris, near Lady Dudley. Infinitude is the region +of the heart, love had no limits at Clochegourde. I loved Lady Dudley +passionately; and certainly, though the animal in her was magnificent, +she was also superior in mind; her sparkling and satirical conversation +had a wide range. But I adored Henriette. At night I wept with +happiness, in the morning with remorse. + +Some women have the art to hide their jealousy under a tone of angelic +kindness; they are, like Lady Dudley, over thirty years of age. Such +women know how to feel and how to calculate; they press out the juices +of to-day and think of the future also; they can stifle a moan, often a +natural one, with the will of a huntsman who pays no heed to a wound +in the ardor of the chase. Without ever speaking of Madame de Mortsauf, +Arabella endeavored to kill her in my soul, where she ever found her, +her own passion increasing with the consciousness of that invincible +love. Intending to triumph by comparisons which would turn to her +advantage, she was never suspicious, or complaining, or inquisitive, as +are most young women; but, like a lioness who has seized her prey +and carries it to her lair to devour, she watched that nothing should +disturb her feast, and guarded me like a rebellious captive. I wrote to +Henriette under her very eyes, but she never read a line of my letters; +she never sought in any way to know to whom they were addressed. I had +my liberty; she seemed to say to herself, "If I lose him it shall be my +own fault," and she proudly relied on a love that would have given me +her life had I asked for it,--in fact she often told me that if I left +her she would kill herself. I have heard her praise the custom of Indian +widows who burn themselves upon their husband's grave. "In India that is +a distinction reserved for the higher classes," she said, "and is very +little understood by Europeans, who are incapable of understanding the +grandeur of the privilege; you must admit, however, that on the dead +level of our modern customs aristocracy can rise to greatness only +through unparalleled devotions. How can I prove to the middle classes +that the blood in my veins is not the same as theirs, unless I show them +that I can die as they cannot? Women of no birth can have diamonds and +satins and horses--even coats-of-arms, which ought to be sacred to us, +for any one can buy a name. But to love, with our heads up, in defiance +of law; to die for the idol we have chosen, with the sheets of our bed +for a shroud; to lay earth and heaven at his feet, robbing the Almighty +of his right to make a god, and never to betray that man, never, never, +even for virtue's sake,--for, to refuse him anything in the name of +duty is to devote ourselves to something that is not _he_, and let that +something be a man or an idea, it is betrayal all the same,--these +are heights to which common women cannot attain; they know but two +matter-of-fact ways; the great high-road of virtue, or the muddy path of +the courtesan." + +Pride, you see, was her instrument; she flattered all vanities by +deifying them. She put me so high that she might live at my feet; +in fact, the seductions of her spirit were literally expressed by an +attitude of subserviency and her complete submission. In what words +shall I describe those first six months when I was lost in enervating +enjoyments, in the meshes of a love fertile in pleasures and knowing how +to vary them with a cleverness learned by long experience, yet hiding +that knowledge beneath the transports of passion. These pleasures, the +sudden revelation of the poetry of the senses, constitute the powerful +tie which binds young men to women older than they. It is the chain of +the galley-slave; it leaves an ineffaceable brand upon the soul, filling +it with disgust for pure and innocent love decked with flowers only, +which serves no alcohol in curiously chased cups inlaid with jewels and +sparkling with unquenchable fires. + +Recalling my early dreams of pleasures I knew nothing of, expressed at +Clochegourde in my "selams," the voice of my flowers, pleasures which +the union of souls renders all the more ardent, I found many sophistries +by which I excused to myself the delight with which I drained that +jewelled cup. Often, when, lost in infinite lassitude, my soul +disengaged itself from the body and floated far from earth, I thought +that these pleasures might be the means of abolishing matter and of +rendering to the spirit its power to soar. Sometimes Lady Dudley, like +other women, profited by the exaltation in which I was to bind me by +promises; under the lash of a desire she wrung blasphemies from my lips +against the angel at Clochegourde. Once a traitor I became a scoundrel. +I continued to write to Madame de Mortsauf, in the tone of the lad she +had first known in his strange blue coat; but, I admit it, her gift of +second-sight terrified me when I thought what ruin the indiscretion of a +word might bring to the dear castle of my hopes. Often, in the midst +of my pleasure a sudden horror seized me; I heard the name of Henriette +uttered by a voice above me, like that in the Scriptures, demanding: +"Cain, where is thy brother Abel?" + +At last my letters remained unanswered. I was seized with horrible +anxiety and wished to leave for Clochegourde. Arabella did not oppose +it, but she talked of accompanying me to Touraine. Her woman's wit told +her that the journey might be a means of finally detaching me from her +rival; while I, blind with fear and guilelessly unsuspicious, did not +see the trap she set for me. Lady Dudley herself proposed the humblest +concessions. She would stay near Tours, at a little country-place, +alone, disguised; she would refrain from going out in the day-time, and +only meet me in the evening when people were not likely to be about. +I left Tours on horseback. I had my reasons for this; my evening +excursions to meet her would require a horse, and mine was an Arab which +Lady Hester Stanhope had sent to the marchioness, and which she had +lately exchanged with me for that famous picture of Rembrandt which I +obtained in so singular a way, and which now hangs in her drawing-room +in London. I took the road I had traversed on foot six years earlier and +stopped beneath my walnut-tree. From there I saw Madame de Mortsauf in +a white dress standing at the edge of the terrace. Instantly I rode +towards her with the speed of lightning, in a straight line and across +country. She heard the stride of the swallow of the desert and when I +pulled him up suddenly at the terrace, she said to me: "Oh, you here!" + +Those three words blasted me. She knew my treachery. Who had told her? +her mother, whose hateful letter she afterwards showed me. The feeble, +indifferent voice, once so full of life, the dull pallor of its tones +revealed a settled grief, exhaling the breath of flowers cut and left +to wither. The tempest of infidelity, like those freshets of the Loire +which bury the meadows for all time in sand, had torn its way through +her soul, leaving a desert where once the verdure clothed the fields. +I led my horse through the little gate; he lay down on the grass at my +command and the countess, who came forward slowly, exclaimed, "What a +fine animal!" She stood with folded arms lest I should try to take her +hand; I guessed her meaning. + +"I will let Monsieur de Mortsauf know you are here," she said, leaving +me. + +I stood still, confounded, letting her go, watching her, always noble, +slow, and proud,--whiter than I had ever seen her; on her brow the +yellow imprint of bitterest melancholy, her head bent like a lily heavy +with rain. + +"Henriette!" I cried in the agony of a man about to die. + +She did not turn or pause; she disdained to say that she withdrew from +me that name, but she did not answer to it and continued on. I may feel +paltry and small in this dreadful vale of life where myriads of human +beings now dust make the surface of the globe, small indeed among that +crowd, hurrying beneath the luminous spaces which light them; but what +sense of humiliation could equal that with which I watched her calm +white figure inflexibly mounting with even steps the terraces of her +chateau of Clochegourde, the pride and the torture of that Christian +Dido? I cursed Arabella in a single imprecation which might have killed +her had she heard it, she who had left all for me as some leave all for +God. I remained lost in a world of thought, conscious of utter misery +on all sides. Presently I saw the whole family coming down; Jacques, +running with the eagerness of his age. Madeleine, a gazelle with +mournful eyes, walked with her mother. Monsieur de Mortsauf came to me +with open arms, pressed me to him and kissed me on both cheeks crying +out, "Felix, I know now that I owed you my life." + +Madame de Mortsauf stood with her back towards me during this little +scene, under pretext of showing the horse to Madeleine. + +"Ha, the devil! that's what women are," cried the count; "admiring your +horse!" + +Madeleine turned, came up to me, and I kissed her hand, looking at the +countess, who colored. + +"Madeleine seems much better," I said. + +"Poor little girl!" said the countess, kissing her on her forehead. + +"Yes, for the time being they are all well," answered the count. "Except +me, Felix; I am as battered as an old tower about to fall." + +"The general is still depressed," I remarked to Madame de Mortsauf. + +"We all have our blue devils--is not that the English term?" she +replied. + +The whole party walked on towards the vineyard with the feeling that +some serious event had happened. She had no wish to be alone with me. +Still, I was her guest. + +"But about your horse? why isn't he attended to?" said the count. + +"You see I am wrong if I think of him, and wrong if I do not," remarked +the countess. + +"Well, yes," said her husband; "there is a time to do things, and a time +not to do them." + +"I will attend to him," I said, finding this sort of greeting +intolerable. "No one but myself can put him into his stall; my groom is +coming by the coach from Chinon; he will rub him down." + +"I suppose your groom is from England," she said. + +"That is where they all come from," remarked the count, who grew +cheerful in proportion as his wife seemed depressed. Her coldness +gave him an opportunity to oppose her, and he overwhelmed me with +friendliness. + +"My dear Felix," he said, taking my hand, and pressing it +affectionately, "pray forgive Madame de Mortsauf; women are so +whimsical. But it is owing to their weakness; they cannot have the +evenness of temper we owe to our strength of character. She really loves +you, I know it; only--" + +While the count was speaking Madame de Mortsauf gradually moved away +from us so as to leave us alone. + +"Felix," said the count, in a low voice, looking at his wife, who was +now going up to the house with her two children, "I don't know what is +going on in Madame de Mortsauf's mind, but for the last six weeks her +disposition has completely changed. She, so gentle, so devoted hitherto, +is now extraordinarily peevish." + +Manette told me later that the countess had fallen into a state of +depression which made her indifferent to the count's provocations. No +longer finding a soft substance in which he could plant his arrows, the +man became as uneasy as a child when the poor insect it is tormenting +ceases to move. He now needed a confidant, as the hangman needs a +helper. + +"Try to question Madame de Mortsauf," he said after a pause, "and find +out what is the matter. A woman always has secrets from her husband; +but perhaps she will tell you what troubles her. I would sacrifice +everything to make her happy, even to half my remaining days or half my +fortune. She is necessary to my very life. If I have not that angel at +my side as I grow old I shall be the most wretched of men. I do desire +to die easy. Tell her I shall not be here long to trouble her. Yes, +Felix, my poor friend, I am going fast, I know it. I hide the fatal +truth from every one; why should I worry them beforehand? The trouble is +in the orifice of the stomach, my friend. I have at last discovered the +true cause of this disease; it is my sensibility that is killing me. +Indeed, all our feelings affect the gastric centre." + +"Then do you mean," I said, smiling, "that the best-hearted people die +of their stomachs?" + +"Don't laugh, Felix; nothing is more absolutely true. Too keen +a sensibility increases the play of the sympathetic nerve; these +excitements of feeling keep the mucous membrane of the stomach in a +state of constant irritation. If this state continues it deranges, at +first insensibly, the digestive functions; the secretions change, the +appetite is impaired, and the digestion becomes capricious; sharp +pains are felt; they grow worse day by day, and more frequent; then +the disorder comes to a crisis, as if a slow poison were passing the +alimentary canal; the mucous membrane thickens, the valve of the pylorus +becomes indurated and forms a scirrhus, of which the patient dies. Well, +I have reached that point, my dear friend. The induration is proceeding +and nothing checks it. Just look at my yellow skin, my feverish eyes, +my excessive thinness. I am withering away. But what is to be done? +I brought the seeds of the disease home with me from the emigration; +heaven knows what I suffered then! My marriage, which might have +repaired the wrong, far from soothing my ulcerated mind increased the +wound. What did I find? ceaseless fears for the children, domestic jars, +a fortune to remake, economies which required great privations, which +I was obliged to impose upon my wife, but which I was the one to suffer +from; and then,--I can tell this to none but you, Felix,--I have a worse +trouble yet. Though Blanche is an angel, she does not understand me; she +knows nothing of my sufferings and she aggravates them; but I forgive +her. It is a dreadful thing to say, my friend, but a less virtuous woman +might have made me more happy by lending herself to consolations which +Blanche never thinks of, for she is as silly as a child. Moreover my +servants torment me; blockheads who take my French for Greek! When our +fortune was finally remade inch by inch, and I had some relief from +care, it was too late, the harm was done; I had reached the period when +the appetite is vitiated. Then came my severe illness, so ill-managed by +Origet. In short, I have not six months to live." + +I listened to the count in terror. On meeting the countess I had been +struck with her yellow skin and the feverish brilliancy of her eyes. +I led the count towards the house while seeming to listen to his +complaints and his medical dissertations; but my thoughts were all with +Henriette, and I wanted to observe her. We found her in the salon, where +she was listening to a lesson in mathematics which the Abbe Dominis +was giving Jacques, and at the same time showing Madeleine a stitch of +embroidery. Formerly she would have laid aside every occupation the day +of my arrival to be with me. But my love was so deeply real that I drove +back into my heart the grief I felt at this contrast between the past +and the present, and thought only of the fatal yellow tint on that +celestial face, which resembled the halo of divine light Italian +painters put around the faces of their saints. I felt the icy wind of +death pass over me. Then when the fire of her eyes, no longer softened +by the liquid light in which in former times they moved, fell upon me, +I shuddered; I noticed several changes, caused by grief, which I had not +seen in the open air. The slender lines which, at my last visit, were +so lightly marked upon her forehead had deepened; her temples with their +violet veins seemed burning and concave; her eyes were sunk beneath the +brows, their circles browned;--alas! she was discolored like a fruit +when decay is beginning to show upon the surface, or a worm is at the +core. I, whose whole ambition had been to pour happiness into her soul, +I it was who embittered the spring from which she had hoped to refresh +her life and renew her courage. I took a seat beside her and said in a +voice filled with tears of repentance, "Are you satisfied with your own +health?" + +"Yes," she answered, plunging her eyes into mine. "My health is there," +she added, motioning to Jacques and Madeleine. + +The latter, just fifteen, had come victoriously out of her struggle with +anaemia, and was now a woman. She had grown tall; the Bengal roses were +blooming in her once sallow cheeks. She had lost the unconcern of a +child who looks every one in the face, and now dropped her eyes; her +movements were slow and infrequent, like those of her mother; her figure +was slim, but the gracefulness of the bust was already developing; +already an instinct of coquetry had smoothed the magnificent black hair +which lay in bands upon her Spanish brow. She was like those pretty +statuettes of the Middle Ages, so delicate in outline, so slender in +form that the eye as it seizes their charm fears to break them. Health, +the fruit of untold efforts, had made her cheeks as velvety as a peach +and given to her throat the silken down which, like her mother's, +caught the light. She was to live! God had written it, dear bud of the +loveliest of human flowers, on the long lashes of her eyelids, on the +curve of those shoulders which gave promise of a development as superb +as her mother's! This brown young girl, erect as a poplar, contrasted +with Jacques, a fragile youth of seventeen, whose head had grown +immensely, causing anxiety by the rapid expansion of the forehead, while +his feverish, weary eyes were in keeping with a voice that was deep and +sonorous. The voice gave forth too strong a volume of tone, the eye too +many thoughts. It was Henriette's intellect and soul and heart that were +here devouring with swift flames a body without stamina; for Jacques +had the milk-white skin and high color which characterize young English +women doomed sooner or later to the consumptive curse,--an appearance of +health that deceives the eye. Following a sign by which Henriette, +after showing me Madeleine, made me look at Jacques drawing geometrical +figures and algebraic calculations on a board before the Abbe Dominis, +I shivered at the sight of death hidden beneath the roses, and was +thankful for the self-deception of his mother. + +"When I see my children thus, happiness stills my griefs--just as +those griefs are dumb, and even disappear, when I see them failing. My +friend," she said, her eyes shining with maternal pleasure, "if other +affections fail us, the feelings rewarded here, the duties done and +crowned with success, are compensation enough for defeat elsewhere. +Jacques will be, like you, a man of the highest education, possessed of +the worthiest knowledge; he will be, like you, an honor to his country, +which he may assist in governing, helped by you, whose standing will be +so high; but I will strive to make him faithful to his first affections. +Madeleine, dear creature, has a noble heart; she is pure as the snows +on the highest Alps; she will have a woman's devotion and a woman's +graceful intellect. She is proud; she is worthy of being a Lenoncourt. +My motherhood, once so tried, so tortured, is happy now, happy with an +infinite happiness, unmixed with pain. Yes, my life is full, my life +is rich. You see, God makes my joy to blossom in the heart of these +sanctified affections, and turns to bitterness those that might have led +me astray--" + +"Good!" cried the abbe, joyfully. "Monsieur le vicomte begins to know as +much as I--" + +Just then Jacques coughed. + +"Enough for to-day, my dear abbe," said the countess, "above all, no +chemistry. Go for a ride on horseback, Jacques," she added, letting her +son kiss her with the tender and yet dignified pleasure of a mother. +"Go, dear, but take care of yourself." + +"But," I said, as her eyes followed Jacques with a lingering look, "you +have not answered me. Do you feel ill?" + +"Oh, sometimes, in my stomach. If I were in Paris I should have the +honors of gastritis, the fashionable disease." + +"My mother suffers very much and very often," said Madeleine. + +"Ah!" she said, "does my health interest you?" + +Madeleine, astonished at the irony of these words, looked from one to +the other; my eyes counted the roses on the cushion of the gray and +green sofa which was in the salon. + +"This situation is intolerable," I whispered in her ear. + +"Did I create it?" she asked. "Dear child," she said aloud, with one of +those cruel levities by which women point their vengeance, "don't +you read history? France and England are enemies, and ever have been. +Madeleine knows that; she knows that a broad sea, and a cold and stormy +one, separates them." + +The vases on the mantelshelf had given place to candelabra, no doubt to +deprive me of the pleasure of filling them with flowers; I found them +later in my own room. When my servant arrived I went out to give him +some orders; he had brought me certain things I wished to place in my +room. + +"Felix," said the countess, "do not make a mistake. My aunt's old room +is now Madeleine's. Yours is over the count's." + +Though guilty, I had a heart; those words were dagger thrusts coldly +given at its tenderest spot, for which she seemed to aim. Moral +sufferings are not fixed quantities; they depend on the sensitiveness of +souls. The countess had trod each round of the ladder of pain; but, for +that very reason, the kindest of women was now as cruel as she was once +beneficent. I looked at Henriette, but she averted her head. I went to +my new room, which was pretty, white and green. Once there I burst into +tears. Henriette heard me as she entered with a bunch of flowers in her +hand. + +"Henriette," I said, "will you never forgive a wrong that is indeed +excusable?" + +"Do not call me Henriette," she said. "She no longer exists, poor soul; +but you may feel sure of Madame de Mortsauf, a devoted friend, who will +listen to you and who will love you. Felix, we will talk of these things +later. If you have still any tenderness for me let me grow accustomed +to seeing you. Whenever words will not rend my heart, if the day should +ever come when I recover courage, I will speak to you, but not till +then. Look at the valley," she said, pointing to the Indre, "it hurts +me, I love it still." + +"Ah, perish England and all her women! I will send my resignation to the +king; I will live and die here, pardoned." + +"No, love her; love that woman! Henriette is not. This is no play, and +you should know it." + +She left the room, betraying by the tone of her last words the extent of +her wounds. I ran after her and held her back, saying, "Do you no longer +love me?" + +"You have done me more harm than all my other troubles put together. +To-day I suffer less, therefore I love you less. Be kind; do not +increase my pain; if you suffer, remember that--I--live." + +She withdrew her hand, which I held, cold, motionless, but moist, in +mine, and darted like an arrow through the corridor in which this scene +of actual tragedy took place. + +At dinner, the count subjected me to a torture I had little expected. +"So the Marchioness of Dudley is not in Paris?" he said. + +I blushed excessively, but answered, "No." + +"She is not in Tours," continued the count. + +"She is not divorced, and she can go back to England. Her husband would +be very glad if she would return to him," I said, eagerly. + +"Has she children?" asked Madame de Mortsauf, in a changed voice. + +"Two sons," I replied. + +"Where are they?" + +"In England, with their father." + +"Come, Felix," interposed the count; "be frank; is she as handsome as +they say?" + +"How can you ask him such a question?" cried the countess. "Is not the +woman you love always the handsomest of women?" + +"Yes, always," I said, firmly, with a glance which she could not +sustain. + +"You are a happy fellow," said the count; "yes, a very happy one. Ha! in +my young days, I should have gone mad over such a conquest--" + +"Hush!" said Madame de Mortsauf, reminding the count of Madeleine by a +look. + +"I am not a child," he said. + +When we left the table I followed the countess to the terrace. When +we were alone she exclaimed, "How is it possible that some women can +sacrifice their children to a man? Wealth, position, the world, I can +conceive of; eternity? yes, possibly; but children! deprive one's self +of one's children!" + +"Yes, and such women would give even more if they had it; they sacrifice +everything." + +The world was suddenly reversed before her, her ideas became confused. +The grandeur of that thought struck her; a suspicion entered her mind +that sacrifice, immolation justified happiness; the echo of her own +inward cry for love came back to her; she stood dumb in presence of her +wasted life. Yes, for a moment horrible doubts possessed her; then she +rose, grand and saintly, her head erect. + +"Love her well, Felix," she said, with tears in her eyes; "she shall +be my happy sister. I will forgive her the harm she has done me if she +gives you what you could not have here. You are right; I have never told +you that I loved you, and I never have loved you as the world loves. But +if she is a mother how can she love you so?" + +"Dear saint," I answered, "I must be less moved than I am now, before I +can explain to you how it is that you soar victoriously above her. She +is a woman of earth, the daughter of decaying races; you are the child +of heaven, an angel worthy of worship; you have my heart, she my flesh +only. She knows this and it fills her with despair; she would change +parts with you even though the cruellest martyrdom were the price of the +change. But all is irremediable. To you the soul, to you the thoughts, +the love that is pure, to you youth and old age; to her the desires and +joys of passing passion; to you remembrance forever, to her oblivion--" + +"Tell me, tell me that again, oh, my friend!" she turned to a bench and +sat down, bursting into tears. "If that be so, Felix, virtue, purity +of life, a mother's love, are not mistakes. Oh, pour that balm upon +my wounds! Repeat the words which bear me back to heaven, where once +I longed to rise with you. Bless me by a look, by a sacred word,--I +forgive you for the sufferings you have caused me the last two months." + +"Henriette, there are mysteries in the life of men of which you know +nothing. I met you at an age when the feelings of the heart stifle the +desires implanted in our nature; but many scenes, the memory of which +will kindle my soul to the hour of death, must have told you that this +age was drawing to a close, and it was your constant triumph still to +prolong its mute delights. A love without possession is maintained +by the exasperation of desire; but there comes a moment when all is +suffering within us--for in this we have no resemblance to you. We +possess a power we cannot abdicate, or we cease to be men. Deprived +of the nourishment it needs, the heart feeds upon itself, feeling an +exhaustion which is not death, but which precedes it. Nature cannot long +be silenced; some trifling accident awakens it to a violence that seems +like madness. No, I have not loved, but I have thirsted in the desert." + +"The desert!" she said bitterly, pointing to the valley. "Ah!" she +exclaimed, "how he reasons! what subtle distinctions! Faithful hearts +are not so learned." + +"Henriette," I said, "do not quarrel with me for a chance expression. +No, my soul has not vacillated, but I have not been master of my senses. +That woman is not ignorant that you are the only one I ever loved. She +plays a secondary part in my life; she knows it and is resigned. I have +the right to leave her as men leave courtesans." + +"And then?" + +"She tells me that she will kill herself," I answered, thinking that +this resolve would startle Henriette. But when she heard it a disdainful +smile, more expressive than the thoughts it conveyed, flickered on her +lips. "My dear conscience," I continued, "if you would take into +account my resistance and the seductions that led to my fall you would +understand the fatal--" + +"Yes, fatal!" she cried. "I believed in you too much. I believed you +capable of the virtue a priest practises. All is over," she continued, +after a pause. "I owe you much, my friend; you have extinguished in me +the fires of earthly life. The worst of the way is over; age is coming +on. I am ailing now, soon I may be ill; I can never be the brilliant +fairy who showers you with favors. Be faithful to Lady Dudley. +Madeleine, whom I was training to be yours, ah! who will have her now? +Poor Madeleine, poor Madeleine!" she repeated, like the mournful burden +of a song. "I would you had heard her say to me when you came: 'Mother, +you are not kind to Felix!' Dear creature!" + +She looked at me in the warm rays of the setting sun as they glided +through the foliage. Seized with compassion for the shipwreck of +our lives she turned back to memories of our pure past, yielding to +meditations which were mutual. We were silent, recalling past scenes; +our eyes went from the valley to the fields, from the windows of +Clochegourde to those of Frapesle, peopling the dream with my bouquets, +the fragrant language of our desires. It was her last hour of pleasure, +enjoyed with the purity of her Catholic soul. This scene, so grand to +each of us, cast its melancholy on both. She believed my words, and saw +where I placed her--in the skies. + +"My friend," she said, "I obey God, for his hand is in all this." + +I did not know until much later the deep meaning of her words. We slowly +returned up the terraces. She took my arm and leaned upon it resignedly, +bleeding still, but with a bandage on her wound. + +"Human life is thus," she said. "What had Monsieur de Mortsauf done to +deserve his fate? It proves the existence of a better world. Alas, for +those who walk in happier ways!" + +She went on, estimating life so truly, considering its diverse aspects +so profoundly that these cold judgments revealed to me the disgust that +had come upon her for all things here below. When we reached the portico +she dropped my arm and said these last words: "If God has given us +the sentiment and the desire for happiness ought he not to take charge +himself of innocent souls who have found sorrow only in this low world? +Either that must be so, or God is not, and our life is no more than a +cruel jest." + +She entered and turned the house quickly; I found her on the sofa, +crouching, as though blasted by the voice which flung Saul to the +ground. + +"What is the matter?" I asked. + +"I no longer know what is virtue," she replied; "I have no consciousness +of my own." + +We were silent, petrified, listening to the echo of those words which +fell like a stone cast into a gulf. + +"If I am mistaken in my life _she_ is right in _hers_," Henriette said +at last. + +Thus her last struggle followed her last happiness. When the count came +in she complained of illness, she who never complained. I conjured her +to tell me exactly where she suffered; but she refused to explain and +went to bed, leaving me a prey to unending remorse. Madeleine went with +her mother, and the next day I heard that the countess had been seized +with nausea, caused, she said, by the violent excitements of that day. +Thus I, who longed to give my life for hers, I was killing her. + +"Dear count," I said to Monsieur de Mortsauf, who obliged me to play +backgammon, "I think the countess very seriously ill. There is still +time to save her; pray send for Origet, and persuade her to follow his +advice." + +"Origet, who half killed me?" cried the count. "No, no; I'll consult +Carbonneau." + +During this week, especially the first days of it, everything was +anguish to me--the beginning of paralysis of the heart--my vanity was +mortified, my soul rent. One must needs have been the centre of all +looks and aspirations, the mainspring of the life about him, the torch +from which all others drew their light, to understand the horror of the +void that was now about me. All things were there, the same, but the +spirit that gave life to them was extinct, like a blown-out flame. I now +understood the desperate desire of lovers never to see each other again +when love has flown. To be nothing where we were once so much! To find +the chilling silence of the grave where life so lately sparkled! +Such comparisons are overwhelming. I came at last to envy the dismal +ignorance of all happiness which had darkened my youth. My despair +became so great that the countess, I thought, felt pity for it. One day +after dinner as we were walking on the meadows beside the river I made +a last effort to obtain forgiveness. I told Jacques to go on with his +sister, and leaving the count to walk alone, I took Henriette to the +punt. + +"Henriette," I said; "one word of forgiveness, or I fling myself into +the Indre! I have sinned,--yes, it is true; but am I not like a dog in +his faithful attachments? I return like him, like him ashamed. If he +does wrong he is struck, but he loves the hand that strikes him; strike +me, bruise me, but give me back your heart." + +"Poor child," she said, "are you not always my son?" + +She took my arm and silently rejoined her children, with whom she +returned to Clochegourde, leaving me to the count, who began to talk +politics apropos of his neighbors. + +"Let us go in," I said; "you are bare-headed, and the dew may do you an +injury." + +"You pity me, my dear Felix," he answered; "you understand me, but my +wife never tries to comfort me,--on principle, perhaps." + +Never would she have left me to walk home with her husband; it was now +I who had to find excuses to join her. I found her with her children, +explaining the rules of backgammon to Jacques. + +"See there," said the count, who was always jealous of the affection she +showed for her children; "it is for them that I am neglected. Husbands, +my dear Felix, are always suppressed. The most virtuous woman in the +world has ways of satisfying her desire to rob conjugal affection." + +She said nothing and continued as before. + +"Jacques," he said, "come here." + +Jacques objected slightly. + +"Your father wants you; go at once, my son," said his mother, pushing +him. + +"They love me by order," said the old man, who sometimes perceived his +situation. + +"Monsieur," she answered, passing her hand over Madeleine's smooth +tresses, which were dressed that day "a la belle Ferronniere"; "do not +be unjust to us poor women; life is not so easy for us to bear. Perhaps +the children are the virtues of a mother." + +"My dear," said the count, who took it into his head to be logical, +"what you say signifies that women who have no children would have no +virtue, and would leave their husbands in the lurch." + +The countess rose hastily and took Madeleine to the portico. + +"That's marriage, my dear fellow," remarked the count to me. "Do you +mean to imply by going off in that manner that I am talking nonsense?" +he cried to his wife, taking his son by the hand and going to the +portico after her with a furious look in his eyes. + +"On the contrary, Monsieur, you frightened me. Your words hurt me +cruelly," she added, in a hollow voice. "If virtue does not consist in +sacrificing everything to our children and our husband, what is virtue?" + +"Sac-ri-ficing!" cried the count, making each syllable the blow of a +sledge-hammer on the heart of his victim. "What have you sacrificed to +your children? What do you sacrifice to me? Speak! what means all this? +Answer. What is going on here? What did you mean by what you said?" + +"Monsieur," she replied, "would you be satisfied to be loved for love of +God, or to know your wife virtuous for virtue's sake?" + +"Madame is right," I said, interposing in a shaken voice which vibrated +in two hearts; "yes, the noblest privilege conferred by reason is to +attribute our virtues to the beings whose happiness is our work, and +whom we render happy, not from policy, nor from duty, but from an +inexhaustible and voluntary affection--" + +A tear shone in Henriette's eyes. + +"And, dear count," I continued, "if by chance a woman is involuntarily +subjected to feelings other than those society imposes on her, you must +admit that the more irresistible that feeling is, the more virtuous she +is in smothering it, in sacrificing herself to her husband and children. +This theory is not applicable to me who unfortunately show an example to +the contrary, nor to you whom it will never concern." + +"You have a noble soul, Felix," said the count, slipping his arm, not +ungracefully, round his wife's waist and drawing her towards him to +say: "Forgive a poor sick man, dear, who wants to be loved more than he +deserves." + +"There are some hearts that are all generosity," she said, resting her +head upon his shoulder. The scene made her tremble to such a degree that +her comb fell, her hair rolled down, and she turned pale. The count, +holding her up, gave a sort of groan as he felt her fainting; he caught +her in his arms as he might a child, and carried her to the sofa in the +salon, where we all surrounded her. Henriette held my hand in hers as if +to tell me that we two alone knew the secret of that scene, so simple in +itself, so heart-rending to her. + +"I do wrong," she said to me in a low voice, when the count left the +room to fetch a glass of orange-flower water. "I have many wrongs to +repent of towards you; I wished to fill you with despair when I ought to +have received you mercifully. Dear, you are kindness itself, and I alone +can appreciate it. Yes, I know there is a kindness prompted by passion. +Men have various ways of being kind; some from contempt, others from +impulse, from calculation, through indolence of nature; but you, my +friend, you have been absolutely kind." + +"If that be so," I replied, "remember that all that is good or great in +me comes through you. You know well that I am of your making." + +"That word is enough for any woman's happiness," she said, as the count +re-entered the room. "I feel better," she said, rising; "I want air." + +We went down to the terrace, fragrant with the acacias which were still +in bloom. She had taken my right arm, and pressed it against her heart, +thus expressing her sad thoughts; but they were, she said, of a sadness +dear to her. No doubt she would gladly have been alone with me; but her +imagination, inexpert in women's wiles, did not suggest to her any way +of sending her children and the count back to the house. We therefore +talked on indifferent subjects, while she pondered a means of pouring a +few last thoughts from her heart to mine. + +"It is a long time since I have driven out," she said, looking at the +beauty of the evening. "Monsieur, will you please order the carriage +that I may take a turn?" + +She knew that after evening prayer she could not speak with me, for the +count was sure to want his backgammon. She might have returned to the +warm and fragrant terrace after her husband had gone to bed, but she +feared, perhaps, to trust herself beneath those shadows, or to walk by +the balustrade where our eyes could see the course of the Indre through +the dear valley. As the silent and sombre vaults of a cathedral lift +the soul to prayer, so leafy ways, lighted by the moon, perfumed with +penetrating odors, alive with the murmuring noises of the spring-tide, +stir the fibres and weaken the resolves of those who love. The country +calms the old, but excites the young. We knew it well. Two strokes of +the bell announced the hour of prayer. The countess shivered. + +"Dear Henriette, are you ill?" + +"There is no Henriette," she said. "Do not bring her back. She was +capricious and exacting; now you have a friend whose courage has been +strengthened by the words which heaven itself dictated to you. We will +talk of this later. We must be punctual at prayers, for it is my day to +lead them." + +As Madame de Mortsauf said the words in which she begged the help of God +through all the adversities of life, a tone came into her voice which +struck all present. Did she use her gift of second sight to foresee the +terrible emotion she was about to endure through my forgetfulness of an +engagement made with Arabella? + +"We have time to make three kings before the horses are harnessed," said +the count, dragging me back to the salon. "You can go and drive with my +wife, and I'll go to bed." + +The game was stormy, like all others. The countess heard the count's +voice either from her room or from Madeleine's. + +"You show a strange hospitality," she said, re-entering the salon. + +I looked at her with amazement; I could not get accustomed to the change +in her; formerly she would have been most careful not to protect +me against the count; then it gladdened her that I should share her +sufferings and bear them with patience for love of her. + +"I would give my life," I whispered in her ear, "if I could hear you say +again, as you once said, 'Poor dear, poor dear!'" + +She lowered her eyes, remembering the moment to which I alluded, yet her +glance turned to me beneath her eyelids, expressing the joy of a +woman who finds the mere passing tones from her heart preferred to the +delights of another love. The count was losing the game; he said he was +tired, as an excuse to give it up, and we went to walk on the lawn while +waiting for the carriage. When the count left us, such pleasure shone on +my face that Madame de Mortsauf questioned me by a look of surprise and +curiosity. + +"Henriette does exist," I said. "You love me still. You wound me with an +evident intention to break my heart. I may yet be happy!" + +"There was but a fragment of that poor woman left, and you have now +destroyed even that," she said. "God be praised; he gives me strength +to bear my righteous martyrdom. Yes, I still love you, and I might have +erred; the English woman shows me the abyss." + +We got into the carriage and the coachman asked for orders. + +"Take the road to Chinon by the avenue, and come back by the Charlemagne +moor and the road to Sache." + +"What day is it?" I asked, with too much eagerness. + +"Saturday." + +"Then don't go that way, madame, the road will be crowded with +poultry-men and their carts returning from Tours." + +"Do as I told you," she said to the coachman. We knew the tones of our +voices too well to be able to hide from each other our least emotion. +Henriette understood all. + +"You did not think of the poultry-men when you appointed this evening," +she said with a tinge of irony. "Lady Dudley is at Tours, and she +is coming here to meet you; do not deny it. 'What day is it?--the +poultry-men--their carts!' Did you ever take notice of such things in +our old drives?" + +"It only shows that at Clochegourde I forget everything," I answered, +simply. + +"She is coming to meet you?" + +"Yes." + +"At what hour?" + +"Half-past eleven." + +"Where?" + +"On the moor." + +"Do not deceive me; is it not at the walnut-tree?" + +"On the moor." + +"We will go there," she said, "and I shall see her." + +When I heard these words I regarded my future life as settled. I at once +resolved to marry Lady Dudley and put an end to the miserable struggle +which threatened to exhaust my sensibilities and destroy by these +repeated shocks the delicate delights which had hitherto resembled the +flower of fruits. My sullen silence wounded the countess, the grandeur +of whose mind I misjudged. + +"Do not be angry with me," she said, in her golden voice. "This, +dear, is my punishment. You can never be loved as you are here," she +continued, laying my hand upon her heart. "I now confess it; but Lady +Dudley has saved me. To her the stains,--I do not envy them,--to me the +glorious love of angels! I have traversed vast tracts of thought since +you returned here. I have judged life. Lift up the soul and you rend it; +the higher we go the less sympathy we meet; instead of suffering in the +valley, we suffer in the skies, as the soaring eagle bears in his heart +the arrow of some common herdsman. I comprehend at last that earth and +heaven are incompatible. Yes, to those who would live in the celestial +sphere God must be all in all. We must love our friends as we love our +children,--for them, not for ourselves. Self is the cause of misery and +grief. My soul is capable of soaring higher than the eagle; there is +a love which cannot fail me. But to live for this earthly life is too +debasing,--here the selfishness of the senses reigns supreme over the +spirituality of the angel that is within us. The pleasures of passion +are stormy, followed by enervating anxieties which impair the vigor of +the soul. I came to the shores of the sea where such tempests rage; +I have seen them too near; they have wrapped me in their clouds; the +billows did not break at my feet, they caught me in a rough embrace +which chilled my heart. No! I must escape to higher regions; I should +perish on the shores of this vast sea. I see in you, as in all others +who have grieved me, the guardian of my virtue. My life has been mingled +with anguish, fortunately proportioned to my strength; it has thus been +kept free from evil passions, from seductive peace, and ever near to +God. Our attachment was the mistaken attempt, the innocent effort of +two children striving to satisfy their own hearts, God, and men--folly, +Felix! Ah," she said quickly, "what does that woman call you?" + +"'Amedee,'" I answered, "'Felix' is a being apart, who belongs to none +but you." + +"'Henriette' is slow to die," she said, with a gentle smile, "but +die she will at the first effort of the humble Christian, the +self-respecting mother; she whose virtue tottered yesterday and is +firm to-day. What may I say to you? This. My life has been, and is, +consistent with itself in all its circumstances, great and small. The +heart to which the rootlets of my first affection should have clung, my +mother's heart, was closed to me, in spite of my persistence in seeking +a cleft through which they might have slipped. I was a girl; I came +after the death of three boys; and I vainly strove to take their place +in the hearts of my parents; the wound I gave to the family pride was +never healed. When my gloomy childhood was over and I knew my aunt, +death took her from me all too soon. Monsieur de Mortsauf, to whom I +vowed myself, has repeatedly, nay without respite, smitten me, not being +himself aware of it, poor man! His love has the simple-minded egotism +our children show to us. He has no conception of the harm he does me, +and he is heartily forgiven for it. My children, those dear children +who are bound to my flesh through their sufferings, to my soul by their +characters, to my nature by their innocent happiness,--those children +were surely given to show me how much strength and patience a mother's +breast contains. Yes, my children are my virtues. You know how my heart +has been harrowed for them, by them, in spite of them. To be a mother +was, for me, to buy the right to suffer. When Hagar cried in the desert +an angel came and opened a spring of living water for that poor slave; +but I, when the limpid stream to which (do you remember?) you tried to +guide me flowed past Clochegourde, its waters changed to bitterness for +me. Yes, the sufferings you have inflicted on my soul are terrible. God, +no doubt, will pardon those who know affection only through its pains. +But if the keenest of these pains has come to me through you, perhaps I +deserved them. God is not unjust. Ah, yes, Felix, a kiss furtively taken +may be a crime. Perhaps it is just that a woman should harshly expiate +the few steps taken apart from husband and children that she might walk +alone with thoughts and memories that were not of them, and so walking, +marry her soul to another. Perhaps it is the worst of crimes when the +inward being lowers itself to the region of human kisses. When a woman +bends to receive her husband's kiss with a mask upon her face, that is +a crime! It is a crime to think of a future springing from a death, a +crime to imagine a motherhood without terrors, handsome children playing +in the evening with a beloved father before the eyes of a happy mother. +Yes, I sinned, sinned greatly. I have loved the penances inflicted by +the Church,--which did not redeem the faults, for the priest was too +indulgent. God has placed the punishment in the faults themselves, +committing the execution of his vengeance to the one for whom the faults +were committed. When I gave my hair, did I not give myself? Why did I so +often dress in white? because I seemed the more your lily; did you not +see me here, for the first time, all in white? Alas! I have loved my +children less, for all intense affection is stolen from the natural +affections. Felix, do you not see that all suffering has its meaning. +Strike me, wound me even more than Monsieur de Mortsauf and my +children's state have wounded me. That woman is the instrument of God's +anger; I will meet her without hatred; I will smile upon her; under pain +of being neither Christian, wife, nor mother, I ought to love her. If, +as you tell me, I contributed to keep your heart unsoiled by the world, +that Englishwoman ought not to hate me. A woman should love the mother +of the man she loves, and I am your mother. What place have I sought in +your heart? that left empty by Madame de Vandenesse. Yes, yes, you have +always complained of my coldness; yes, I am indeed your mother only. +Forgive me therefore the involuntary harshness with which I met you on +your return; a mother ought to rejoice that her son is so well loved--" + +She laid her head for a moment on my breast, repeating the words, +"Forgive me! oh, forgive me!" in a voice that was neither her girlish +voice with its joyous notes, nor the woman's voice with despotic +endings; not the sighing sound of the mother's woe, but an agonizing new +voice for new sorrows. + +"You, Felix," she presently continued, growing animated; "you are the +friend who can do no wrong. Ah! you have lost nothing in my heart; do +not blame yourself, do not feel the least remorse. It was the height +of selfishness in me to ask you to sacrifice the joys of life to an +impossible future; impossible, because to realize it a woman must +abandon her children, abdicate her position, and renounce eternity. Many +a time I have thought you higher than I; you were great and noble, I, +petty and criminal. Well, well, it is settled now; I can be to you no +more than a light from above, sparkling and cold, but unchanging. Only, +Felix, let me not love the brother I have chosen without return. Love +me, cherish me! The love of a sister has no dangerous to-morrow, no +hours of difficulty. You will never find it necessary to deceive the +indulgent heart which will live in future within your life, grieve for +your griefs, be joyous with your joys, which will love the women who +make you happy, and resent their treachery. I never had a brother to +love in that way. Be noble enough to lay aside all self-love and turn +our attachment, hitherto so doubtful and full of trouble, into this +sweet and sacred love. In this way I shall be enabled to still live. I +will begin to-night by taking Lady Dudley's hand." + +She did not weep as she said these words so full of bitter knowledge, +by which, casting aside the last remaining veil which hid her soul from +mine, she showed by how many ties she had linked herself to me, how many +chains I had hewn apart. Our emotions were so great that for a time we +did not notice it was raining heavily. + +"Will Madame la comtesse wait here under shelter?" asked the coachman, +pointing to the chief inn of Ballan. + +She made a sign of assent, and we stayed nearly half an hour under the +vaulted entrance, to the great surprise of the inn-people who wondered +what brought Madame de Mortsauf on that road at eleven o'clock at night. +Was she going to Tours? Had she come from there? When the storm ceased +and the rain turned to what is called in Touraine a "brouee," which does +not hinder the moon from shining through the higher mists as the wind +with its upper currents whirls them away, the coachman drove from our +shelter, and, to my great delight, turned to go back the way we came. + +"Follow my orders," said the countess, gently. + +We now took the road across the Charlemagne moor, where the rain began +again. Half-way across I heard the barking of Arabella's dog; a horse +came suddenly from beneath a clump of oaks, jumped the ditch which +owners of property dig around their cleared lands when they consider +them suitable for cultivation, and carried Lady Dudley to the moor to +meet the carriage. + +"What pleasure to meet a love thus if it can be done without sin," said +Henriette. + +The barking of the dog had told Lady Dudley that I was in the carriage. +She thought, no doubt, that I had brought it to meet her on account of +the rain. When we reached the spot where she was waiting, she urged her +horse to the side of the road with the equestrian dexterity for which +she was famous, and which to Henriette seemed marvellous. + +"Amedee," she said, and the name in her English pronunciation had a +fairy-like charm. + +"He is here, madame," said the countess, looking at the fantastic +creature plainly visible in the moonlight, whose impatient face was +oddly swathed in locks of hair now out of curl. + +You know with what swiftness two women examine each other. The +Englishwoman recognized her rival, and was gloriously English; she gave +us a look full of insular contempt, and disappeared in the underbrush +with the rapidity of an arrow. + +"Drive on quickly to Clochegourde," cried the countess, to whom that +cutting look was like the blow of an axe upon her heart. + +The coachman turned to get upon the road to Chinon which was better than +that to Sache. As the carriage again approached the moor we heard the +furious galloping of Arabella's horse and the steps of her dog. All +three were skirting the wood behind the bushes. + +"She is going; you will lose her forever," said Henriette. + +"Let her go," I answered, "and without a regret." + +"Oh, poor woman!" cried the countess, with a sort of compassionate +horror. "Where will she go?" + +"Back to La Grenadiere,--a little house near Saint-Cyr," I said, "where +she is staying." + +Just as we were entering the avenue of Clochegourde Arabella's dog +barked joyfully and bounded up to the carriage. + +"She is here before us!" cried the countess; then after a pause she +added, "I have never seen a more beautiful woman. What a hand and what +a figure! Her complexion outdoes the lily, her eyes are literally bright +as diamonds. But she rides too well; she loves to display her strength; +I think her violent and too active,--also too bold for our conventions. +The woman who recognizes no law is apt to listen only to her caprices. +Those who seek to shine, to make a stir, have not the gift of constancy. +Love needs tranquillity; I picture it to myself like a vast lake in +which the lead can find no bottom; where tempests may be violent, but +are rare and controlled within certain limits; where two beings live on +a flowery isle far from the world whose luxury and display offend them. +Still, love must take the imprint of the character. Perhaps I am wrong. +If nature's elements are compelled to take certain forms determined by +climate, why is it not the same with the feelings of individuals? No +doubt sentiments, feelings, which hold to the general law in the mass, +differ in expression only. Each soul has its own method. Lady Dudley is +the strong woman who can traverse distances and act with the vigor of a +man; she would rescue her lover and kill jailers and guards; while other +women can only love with their whole souls; in moments of danger they +kneel down to pray, and die. Which of the two women suits you best? That +is the question. Yes, yes, Lady Dudley must surely love; she has made +many sacrifices. Perhaps she will love you when you have ceased to love +her!" + +"Dear angel," I said, "let me ask the question you asked me; how is it +that you know these things?" + +"Every sorrow teaches a lesson, and I have suffered on so many points +that my knowledge is vast." + +My servant had heard the order given, and thinking we should return by +the terraces he held my horse ready for me in the avenue. Arabella's +dog had scented the horse, and his mistress, drawn by very natural +curiosity, had followed the animal through the woods to the avenue. + +"Go and make your peace," said Henriette, smiling without a tinge of +sadness. "Say to Lady Dudley how much she mistakes my intention; I +wished to show her the true value of the treasure which has fallen to +her; my heart holds none but kind feelings, above all neither anger nor +contempt. Explain to her that I am her sister, and not her rival." + +"I shall not go," I said. + +"Have you never discovered," she said with lofty pride, "that certain +propitiations are insulting? Go!" + +I rode towards Lady Dudley wishing to know the state of her mind. "If +she would only be angry and leave me," I thought, "I could return to +Clochegourde." + +The dog led me to an oak, from which, as I came up, Arabella galloped +crying out to me, "Come! away! away!" All that I could do was to follow +her to Saint Cyr, which we reached about midnight. + +"That lady is in perfect health," said Arabella as she dismounted. + +Those who know her can alone imagine the satire contained in that +remark, dryly said in a tone which meant, "I should have died!" + +"I forbid you to utter any of your sarcasms about Madame de Mortsauf," I +said. + +"Do I displease your Grace in remarking upon the perfect health of one +so dear to your precious heart? Frenchwomen hate, so I am told, even +their lover's dog. In England we love all that our masters love; we hate +all they hate, because we are flesh of their flesh. Permit me therefore +to love this lady as much as you yourself love her. Only, my dear +child," she added, clasping me in her arms which were damp with rain, +"if you betray me, I shall not be found either lying down or standing +up, not in a carriage with liveried lackeys, nor on horseback on the +moors of Charlemagne, nor on any other moor beneath the skies, nor in my +own bed, nor beneath a roof of my forefathers; I shall not be anywhere, +for I will live no longer. I was born in Lancashire, a country where +women die for love. Know you, and give you up? I will yield you to none, +not even to Death, for I should die with you." + +She led me to her rooms, where comfort had already spread its charms. + +"Love her, dear," I said warmly. "She loves you sincerely, not in jest." + +"Sincerely! you poor child!" she said, unfastening her habit. + +With a lover's vanity I tried to exhibit Henriette's noble character to +this imperious creature. While her waiting-woman, who did not understand +a word of French, arranged her hair I endeavored to picture Madame de +Mortsauf by sketching her life; I repeated many of the great thoughts +she had uttered at a crisis when nearly all women become either petty or +bad. Though Arabella appeared to be paying no attention she did not lose +a single word. + +"I am delighted," she said when we were alone, "to learn your taste +for pious conversation. There's an old vicar on one of my estates +who understands writing sermons better than any one I know; the +country-people like him, for he suits his prosing to his hearers. I'll +write to my father to-morrow and ask him to send the good man here by +steamboat; you can meet him in Paris, and when once you have heard him +you will never wish to listen to any one else,--all the more because his +health is perfect. His moralities won't give you shocks that make you +weep; they flow along without tempests, like a limpid stream, and +will send you to sleep. Every evening you can if you like satisfy your +passion for sermons by digesting one with your dinner. English morality, +I do assure you, is as superior to that of Touraine as our cutlery, +our plate, and our horses are to your knives and your turf. Do me +the kindness to listen to my vicar; promise me. I am only a woman, my +dearest; I can love, I can die for you if you will; but I have never +studied at Eton, or at Oxford, or in Edinburgh. I am neither a doctor of +laws nor a reverend; I can't preach morality; in fact, I am altogether +unfit for it, I should be awkward if I tried. I don't blame your tastes; +you might have others more depraved, and I should still endeavor +to conform to them, for I want you to find near me all you like +best,--pleasures of love, pleasures of food, pleasures of piety, good +claret, and virtuous Christians. Shall I wear hair-cloth to-night? She +is very lucky, that woman, to suit you in morality. From what college +did she graduate? Poor I, who can only give you myself, who can only be +your slave--" + +"Then why did you rush away when I wanted to bring you together?" + +"Are you crazy, Amedee? I could go from Paris to Rome disguised as a +valet; I would do the most unreasonable thing for your sake; but how can +you expect me to speak to a woman on the public roads who has never +been presented to me,--and who, besides, would have preached me a sermon +under three heads? I speak to peasants, and if I am hungry I would ask a +workman to share his bread with me and pay him in guineas,--that is all +proper enough; but to stop a carriage on the highway, like the gentlemen +of the road in England, is not at all within my code of manners. You +poor child, you know only how to love; you don't know how to live. +Besides, I am not like you as yet, dear angel; I don't like morality. +Still, I am capable of great efforts to please you. Yes, I will go to +work; I will learn how to preach; you shall have no more kisses without +verses of the Bible interlarded." + +She used her power and abused it as soon as she saw in my eyes the +ardent expression which was always there when she began her sorceries. +She triumphed over everything, and I complacently told myself that the +woman who loses all, sacrifices the future, and makes love her only +virtue, is far above Catholic polemics. + +"So she loves herself better than she loves you?" Arabella went on. "She +sets something that is not you above you. Is that love? how can we women +find anything to value in ourselves except that which you value in us? +No woman, no matter how fine a moralist she may be, is the equal of a +man. Tread upon us, kill us; never embarrass your lives on our account. +It is for us to die, for you to live, great and honored. For us the +dagger in your hand; for you our pardoning love. Does the sun think of +the gnats in his beams, that live by his light? they stay as long as +they can and when he withdraws his face they die--" + +"Or fly somewhere else," I said interrupting her. + +"Yes, somewhere else," she replied, with an indifference that would have +piqued any man into using the power with which she invested him. "Do +you really think it is worthy of womanhood to make a man eat his bread +buttered with virtue, and to persuade him that religion is incompatible +with love? Am I a reprobate? A woman either gives herself or she +refuses. But to refuse and moralize is a double wrong, and is contrary +to the rule of the right in all lands. Here, you will get only excellent +sandwiches prepared by the hand of your servant Arabella, whose sole +morality is to imagine caresses no man has yet felt and which the angels +inspire." + +I know nothing more destructive than the wit of an Englishwoman; she +gives it the eloquent gravity, the tone of pompous conviction with which +the British hide the absurdities of their life of prejudice. French wit +and humor, on the other hand, is like a lace with which our women adorn +the joys they give and the quarrels they invent; it is a mental jewelry, +as charming as their pretty dresses. English wit is an acid which +corrodes all those on whom it falls until it bares their bones, which it +scrapes and polishes. The tongue of a clever Englishwoman is like that +of a tiger tearing the flesh from the bone when he is only in play. +All-powerful weapon of a sneering devil, English satire leaves a deadly +poison in the wound it makes. Arabella chose to show her power like the +sultan who, to prove his dexterity, cut off the heads of unoffending +beings with his own scimitar. + +"My angel," she said, "I can talk morality too if I choose. I have asked +myself whether I commit a crime in loving you; whether I violate the +divine laws; and I find that my love for you is both natural and pious. +Why did God create some beings handsomer than others if not to show us +that we ought to adore them? The crime would be in not loving you. This +lady insults you by confounding you with other men; the laws of morality +are not applicable to you; for God has created you above them. Am I +not drawing nearer to divine love in loving you? will God punish a poor +woman for seeking the divine? Your great and luminous heart so resembles +the heavens that I am like the gnats which flutter about the torches +of a fete and burn themselves; are they to be punished for their error? +besides, is it an error? may it not be pure worship of the light? They +perish of too much piety,--if you call it perishing to fling one's self +on the breast of him we love. I have the weakness to love you, whereas +that woman has the strength to remain in her Catholic shrine. Now, don't +frown. You think I wish her ill. No, I do not. I adore the morality +which has led her to leave you free, and enables me to win you and hold +you forever--for you are mine forever, are you not?" + +"Yes." + +"Forever and ever?" + +"Yes." + +"Ah! I have found favor in my lord! I alone have understood his worth! +She knows how to cultivate her estate, you say. Well, I leave that to +farmers; I cultivate your heart." + +I try to recall this intoxicating babble, that I may picture to you the +woman as she is, confirm all I have said of her, and let you into +the secret of what happened later. But how shall I describe the +accompaniment of the words? She sought to annihilate by the passion of +her impetuous love the impressions left in my heart by the chaste and +dignified love of my Henriette. Lady Dudley had seen the countess as +plainly as the countess had seen her; each had judged the other. The +force of Arabella's attack revealed to me the extent of her fear, and +her secret admiration for her rival. In the morning I found her with +tearful eyes, complaining that she had not slept. + +"What troubles you?" I said. + +"I fear that my excessive love will ruin me," she answered; "I have +given all. Wiser than I, that woman possesses something that you still +desire. If you prefer her, forget me; I will not trouble you with my +sorrows, my remorse, my sufferings; no, I will go far away and die, like +a plant deprived of the life-giving sun." + +She was able to wring protestations of love from my reluctant lips, +which filled her with joy. + +"Ah!" she exclaimed, drying her eyes, "I am happy. Go back to her; I do +not choose to owe you to the force of my love, but to the action of your +own will. If you return here I shall know that you love me as much as I +love you, the possibility of which I have always doubted." + +She persuaded me to return to Clochegourde. The false position in which +I thus placed myself did not strike me while still under the influence +of her wiles. Yet, had I refused to return I should have given Lady +Dudley a triumph over Henriette. Arabella would then have taken me +to Paris. To go now to Clochegourde was an open insult to Madame de +Mortsauf; in that case Arabella was sure of me. Did any woman ever +pardon such crimes against love? Unless she were an angel descended +from the skies, instead of a purified spirit ascending to them, a loving +woman would rather see her lover die than know him happy with another. +Thus, look at it as I would, my situation, after I had once left +Clochegourde for the Grenadiere, was as fatal to the love of my choice +as it was profitable to the transient love that held me. Lady Dudley had +calculated all this with consummate cleverness. She owned to me later +that if she had not met Madame de Mortsauf on the moor she had intended +to compromise me by haunting Clochegourde until she did so. + +When I met the countess that morning, and found her pale and depressed +like one who has not slept all night, I was conscious of exercising the +instinctive perception given to hearts still fresh and generous to show +them the true bearing of actions little regarded by the world at large, +but judged as criminal by lofty spirits. Like a child going down a +precipice in play and gathering flowers, who sees with dread that it +can never climb that height again, feels itself alone, with night +approaching, and hears the howls of animals, so I now knew that she and +I were separated by a universe. A wail arose within our souls like an +echo of that woeful "Consummatum est" heard in the churches on Good +Friday at the hour the Saviour died,--a dreadful scene which awes young +souls whose first love is religion. All Henriette's illusions were +killed at one blow; her heart had endured its passion. She did not look +at me; she refused me the light that for six long years had shone upon +my life. She knew well that the spring of the effulgent rays shed by our +eyes was in our souls, to which they served as pathways to reach +each other, to blend them in one, meeting, parting, playing, like two +confiding women who tell each other all. Bitterly I felt the wrong of +bringing beneath this roof, where pleasure was unknown, a face on which +the wings of pleasure had shaken their prismatic dust. If, the night +before, I had allowed Lady Dudley to depart alone, if I had then +returned to Clochegourde, where, it may be, Henriette awaited me, +perhaps--perhaps Madame de Mortsauf might not so cruelly have +resolved to be my sister. But now she paid me many ostentatious +attentions,--playing her part vehemently for the very purpose of not +changing it. During breakfast she showed me a thousand civilities, +humiliating attentions, caring for me as though I were a sick man whose +fate she pitied. + +"You were out walking early," said the count; "I hope you have brought +back a good appetite, you whose stomach is not yet destroyed." + +This remark, which brought the smile of a sister to Henriette's lips, +completed my sense of the ridicule of my position. It was impossible to +be at Clochegourde by day and Saint-Cyr by night. During the day I felt +how difficult it was to become the friend of a woman we have long loved. +The transition, easy enough when years have brought it about, is like an +illness in youth. I was ashamed; I cursed the pleasure Lady Dudley gave +me; I wished that Henriette would demand my blood. I could not tear her +rival in pieces before her, for she avoided speaking of her; indeed, +had I spoken of Arabella, Henriette, noble and sublime to the inmost +recesses of her heart, would have despised my infamy. After five years +of delightful intercourse we now had nothing to say to each other; our +words had no connection with our thoughts; we were hiding from each +other our intolerable pain,--we, whose mutual sufferings had been our +first interpreter. + +Henriette assumed a cheerful look for me as for herself, but she was +sad. She spoke of herself as my sister, and yet found no ground on +which to converse; and we remained for the greater part of the time +in constrained silence. She increased my inward misery by feigning to +believe that she was the only victim. + +"I suffer more than you," I said to her at a moment when my self-styled +sister was betrayed into a feminine sarcasm. + +"How so?" she said haughtily. + +"Because I am the one to blame." + +At last her manner became so cold and indifferent that I resolved to +leave Clochegourde. That evening, on the terrace, I said farewell to the +whole family, who were there assembled. They all followed me to the lawn +where my horse was waiting. The countess came to me as I took the bridle +in my hand. + +"Let us walk down the avenue together, alone," she said. + +I gave her my arm, and we passed through the courtyard with slow and +measured steps, as though our rhythmic movement were consoling to us. +When we reached the grove of trees which forms a corner of the boundary +she stopped. + +"Farewell, my friend," she said, throwing her head upon my breast and +her arms around my neck, "Farewell, we shall never meet again. God has +given me the sad power to look into the future. Do you remember +the terror that seized me the day you first came back, so young, so +handsome! and I saw you turn your back on me as you do this day when +you are leaving Clochegourde and going to Saint-Cyr? Well, once again, +during the past night I have seen into the future. Friend, we are +speaking together for the last time. I can hardly now say a few words +to you, for it is but a part of me that speaks at all. Death has already +seized on something in me. You have taken the mother from her children, +I now ask you to take her place to them. You can; Jacques and Madeleine +love you--as if you had always made them suffer." + +"Death!" I cried, frightened as I looked at her and beheld the fire of +her shining eyes, of which I can give no idea to those who have never +known their dear ones struck down by her fatal malady, unless I compare +those eyes to balls of burnished silver. "Die!" I said. "Henriette, I +command you to live. You used to ask an oath of me, I now ask one +of you. Swear to me that you will send for Origet and obey him in +everything." + +"Would you oppose the mercy of God?" she said, interrupting me with a +cry of despair at being thus misunderstood. + +"You do not love me enough to obey me blindly, as that miserable Lady +Dudley does?" + +"Yes, yes, I will do all you ask," she cried, goaded by jealousy. + +"Then I stay," I said, kissing her on the eyelids. + +Frightened at the words, she escaped from my arms and leaned against a +tree; then she turned and walked rapidly homeward without looking back. +But I followed her; she was weeping and praying. When we reached the +lawn I took her hand and kissed it respectfully. This submission touched +her. + +"I am yours--forever, and as you will," I said; "for I love you as your +aunt loved you." + +She trembled and wrung my hand. + +"One look," I said, "one more, one last of our old looks! The woman who +gives herself wholly," I cried, my soul illumined by the glance she gave +me, "gives less of life and soul than I have now received. Henriette, +thou art my best-beloved--my only love." + +"I shall live!" she said; "but cure yourself as well." + +That look had effaced the memory of Arabella's sarcasms. Thus I was the +plaything of the two irreconcilable passions I have now described to +you; I was influenced by each alternately. I loved an angel and a demon; +two women equally beautiful,--one adorned with all the virtues which we +decry through hatred of our own imperfections, the other with all the +vices which we deify through selfishness. Returning along that avenue, +looking back again and again at Madame de Mortsauf, as she leaned +against a tree surrounded by her children who waved their handkerchiefs, +I detected in my soul an emotion of pride in finding myself the arbiter +of two such destinies; the glory, in ways so different, of women so +distinguished; proud of inspiring such great passions that death must +come to whichever I abandoned. Ah! believe me, that passing conceit has +been doubly punished! + +I know not what demon prompted me to remain with Arabella and await +the moment when the death of the count might give me Henriette; for she +would ever love me. Her harshness, her tears, her remorse, her Christian +resignation, were so many eloquent signs of a sentiment that could no +more be effaced from her heart than from mine. Walking slowly down that +pretty avenue and making these reflections, I was no longer twenty-five, +I was fifty years old. A man passes in a moment, even more quickly than +a woman, from youth to middle age. Though long ago I drove these evil +thoughts away from me, I was then possessed by them, I must avow it. +Perhaps I owed their presence in my mind to the Tuileries, to the king's +cabinet. Who could resist the polluting spirit of Louis XVIII.? + +When I reached the end of the avenue I turned and rushed back in the +twinkling of an eye, seeing that Henriette was still there, and alone! I +went to bid her a last farewell, bathed in repentant tears, the cause +of which she never knew. Tears sincere indeed; given, although I knew it +not, to noble loves forever lost, to virgin emotions--those flowers +of our life which cannot bloom again. Later, a man gives nothing, he +receives; he loves himself in his mistress; but in youth he loves his +mistress in himself. Later, we inoculate with our tastes, perhaps our +vices, the woman who loves us; but in the dawn of life she whom we love +conveys to us her virtues, her conscience. She invites us with a +smile to the noble life; from her we learn the self-devotion which she +practises. Woe to the man who has not had his Henriette. Woe to that +other one who has never known a Lady Dudley. The latter, if he marries, +will not be able to keep his wife; the other will be abandoned by his +mistress. But joy to him who can find the two women in one woman; happy +the man, dear Natalie, whom you love. + +After my return to Paris Arabella and I became more intimate than ever. +Soon we insensibly abandoned all the conventional restrictions I had +carefully imposed, the strict observance of which often makes the world +forgive the false position in which Lady Dudley had placed herself. +Society, which delights in looking behind appearances, sanctions much as +soon as it knows the secrets they conceal. Lovers who live in the great +world make a mistake in flinging down these barriers exacted by the law +of salons; they do wrong not to obey scrupulously all conventions which +the manners and customs of a community impose,--less for the sake of +others than for their own. Outward respect to be maintained, comedies to +play, concealments to be managed; all such strategy of love occupies the +life, renews desire, and protects the heart against the palsy of +habit. But all young passions, being, like youth itself, essentially +spendthrift, raze their forests to the ground instead of merely cutting +the timber. Arabella adopted none of these bourgeois ideas, and yielded +to them only to please me; she wished to exhibit me to the eyes of all +Paris as her "sposo." She employed her powers of seduction to keep me +under her roof, for she was not content with a rumored scandal which, +for want of proof, was only whispered behind the fans. Seeing her so +happy in committing an imprudence which frankly admitted her position, +how could I help believing in her love? + +But no sooner was I plunged into the comforts of illegal marriage +than despair seized upon me; I saw my life bound to a course in direct +defiance of the ideas and the advice given me by Henriette. Thenceforth +I lived in the sort of rage we find in consumptive patients who, knowing +their end is near, cannot endure that their lungs should be examined. +There was no corner in my heart where I could fly to escape suffering; +an avenging spirit filled me incessantly with thoughts on which I dared +not dwell. My letters to Henriette depicted this moral malady and did +her infinite harm. "At the cost of so many treasures lost, I wished you +to be at least happy," she wrote in the only answer I received. But +I was not happy. Dear Natalie, happiness is absolute; it allows of +no comparisons. My first ardor over, I necessarily compared the two +women,--a contrast I had never yet studied. In fact, all great passions +press so strongly on the character that at first they check its +asperities and cover the track of habits which constitute our defects +and our better qualities. But later, when two lovers are accustomed to +each other, the features of their moral physiognomies reappear; they +mutually judge each other, and it often happens during this reaction +of the character after passion, that natural antipathies leading to +disunion (which superficial people seize upon to accuse the human heart +of instability) come to the surface. This period now began with me. +Less blinded by seductions, and dissecting, as it were, my pleasure, I +undertook, without perhaps intending to do so, a critical examination of +Lady Dudley which resulted to her injury. + +In the first place, I found her wanting in the qualities of mind which +distinguish Frenchwomen and make them so delightful to love; as all +those who have had the opportunity of loving in both countries declare. +When a Frenchwoman loves she is metamorphosed; her noted coquetry is +used to deck her love; she abandons her dangerous vanity and lays no +claim to any merit but that of loving well. She espouses the interests, +the hatreds, the friendships, of the man she loves; she acquires in +a day the experience of a man of business; she studies the code, she +comprehends the mechanism of credit, and could manage a banker's office; +naturally heedless and prodigal, she will make no mistakes and waste not +a single louis. She becomes, in turn, mother, adviser, doctor, giving to +all her transformations a grace of happiness which reveals, in its every +detail, her infinite love. She combines the special qualities of the +women of other countries and gives unity to the mixture by her wit, that +truly French product, which enlivens, sanctions, justifies, and varies +all, thus relieving the monotony of a sentiment which rests on a single +tense of a single verb. The Frenchwoman loves always, without abatement +and without fatigue, in public or in solitude. In public she uses a tone +which has meaning for one only; she speaks by silence; she looks at you +with lowered eyelids. If the occasion prevents both speech and look she +will use the sand and write a word with the point of her little foot; +her love will find expression even in sleep; in short, she bends the +world to her love. The Englishwoman, on the contrary, makes her love +bend to the world. Educated to maintain the icy manners, the Britannic +and egotistic deportment which I described to you, she opens and +shuts her heart with the ease of a British mechanism. She possesses +an impenetrable mask, which she puts on or takes off phlegmatically. +Passionate as an Italian when no eye sees her, she becomes coldly +dignified before the world. A lover may well doubt his empire when he +sees the immobility of face, the aloofness of countenance, and hears +the calm voice, with which an Englishwoman leaves her boudoir. Hypocrisy +then becomes indifference; she has forgotten all. + +Certainly the woman who can lay aside her love like a garment may be +thought to be capable of changing it. What tempests arise in the heart +of a man, stirred by wounded self-love, when he sees a woman taking and +dropping and again picking up her love like a piece of embroidery. These +women are too completely mistresses of themselves ever to belong wholly +to you; they are too much under the influence of society ever to let you +reign supreme. Where a Frenchwoman comforts by a look, or betrays her +impatience with visitors by witty jests, an Englishwoman's silence is +absolute; it irritates the soul and frets the mind. These women are so +constantly, and, under all circumstances, on their dignity, that to +most of them fashion reigns omnipotent even over their pleasures. An +Englishwoman forces everything into form; though in her case the love of +form does not produce the sentiment of art. No matter what may be said +against it, Protestantism and Catholicism explain the differences +which make the love of Frenchwomen so far superior to the calculating, +reasoning love of Englishwomen. Protestantism doubts, searches, and +kills belief; it is the death of art and love. Where worldliness is all +in all, worldly people must needs obey; but passionate hearts flee from +it; to them its laws are insupportable. + +You can now understand what a shock my self-love received when I found +that Lady Dudley could not live without the world, and that the English +system of two lives was familiar to her. It was no sacrifice she felt +called upon to make; on the contrary she fell naturally into two forms +of life that were inimical to each other. When she loved she loved +madly,--no woman of any country could be compared to her; but when the +curtain fell upon that fairy scene she banished even the memory of +it. In public she never answered to a look or a smile; she was neither +mistress nor slave; she was like an ambassadress, obliged to round her +phrases and her elbows; she irritated me by her composure, and outraged +my heart with her decorum. Thus she degraded love to a mere need, +instead of raising it to an ideal through enthusiasm. She expressed +neither fear, nor regrets, nor desire; but at a given hour her +tenderness reappeared like a fire suddenly lighted. + +In which of these two women ought I to believe? I felt, as it were by +a thousand pin-pricks, the infinite differences between Henriette and +Arabella. When Madame de Mortsauf left me for a while she seemed to +leave to the air the duty of reminding me of her; the folds of her gown +as she went away spoke to the eye, as their undulating sound to the ear +when she returned; infinite tenderness was in the way she lowered her +eyelids and looked on the ground; her voice, that musical voice, was a +continual caress; her words expressed a constant thought; she was always +like unto herself; she did not halve her soul to suit two atmospheres, +one ardent, the other icy. In short, Madame de Mortsauf reserved her +mind and the flower of her thought to express her feelings; she was +coquettish in ideas with her children and with me. But Arabella's mind +was never used to make life pleasant; it was never used at all for my +benefit; it existed only for the world and by the world, and it was +spent in sarcasm. She loved to rend, to bite, as it were,--not for +amusement but to satisfy a craving. Madame de Mortsauf would have hidden +her happiness from every eye, Lady Dudley chose to exhibit hers to +all Paris; and yet with her impenetrable English mask she kept within +conventions even while parading in the Bois with me. This mixture of +ostentation and dignity, love and coldness, wounded me constantly; for +my soul was both virgin and passionate, and as I could not pass from one +temperature to the other, my temper suffered. When I complained (never +without precaution), she turned her tongue with its triple sting against +me; mingling boasts of her love with those cutting English sarcasms. As +soon as she found herself in opposition to me, she made it an amusement +to hurt my feelings and humiliate my mind; she kneaded me like dough. To +any remark of mine as to keeping a medium in all things, she replied by +caricaturing my ideas and exaggerating them. When I reproached her for +her manner to me, she asked if I wished her to kiss me at the opera +before all Paris; and she said it so seriously that I, knowing her +desire to make people talk, trembled lest she should execute her threat. +In spite of her real passion she was never meditative, self-contained, +or reverent, like Henriette; on the contrary she was insatiable as a +sandy soil. Madame de Mortsauf was always composed, able to feel my soul +in an accent or a glance. Lady Dudley was never affected by a look, or +a pressure of the hand, nor yet by a tender word. No proof of love +surprised her. She felt so strong a necessity for excitement, noise, +celebrity, that nothing attained to her ideal in this respect; hence her +violent love, her exaggerated fancy,--everything concerned herself and +not me. + +The letter you have read from Madame de Mortsauf (a light which still +shone brightly on my life), a proof of how the most virtuous of women +obeyed the genius of a Frenchwoman, revealing, as it did, her perpetual +vigilance, her sound understanding of all my prospects--that letter +must have made you see with what care Henriette had studied my material +interests, my political relations, my moral conquests, and with what +ardor she took hold of my life in all permissible directions. On +such points as these Lady Dudley affected the reticence of a mere +acquaintance. She never informed herself about my affairs, nor of my +likings or dislikings as a man. Prodigal for herself without being +generous, she separated too decidedly self-interest and love. Whereas +I knew very well, without proving it, that to save me a pang Henriette +would have sought for me that which she would never seek for herself. In +any great and overwhelming misfortune I should have gone for counsel to +Henriette, but I would have let myself be dragged to prison sooner than +say a word to Lady Dudley. + +Up to this point the contrast relates to feelings; but it was the same +in outward things. In France, luxury is the expression of the man, +the reproduction of his ideas, of his personal poetry; it portrays the +character, and gives, between lovers, a precious value to every little +attention by keeping before them the dominant thought of the being +loved. But English luxury, which at first allured me by its choiceness +and delicacy, proved to be mechanical also. The thousand and one +attentions shown me at Clochegourde Arabella would have considered the +business of servants; each one had his own duty and speciality. The +choice of the footman was the business of her butler, as if it were a +matter of horses. She never attached herself to her servants; the death +of the best of them would not have affected her, for money could replace +the one lost by another equally efficient. As to her duty towards her +neighbor, I never saw a tear in her eye for the misfortunes of another; +in fact her selfishness was so naively candid that it absolutely created +a laugh. The crimson draperies of the great lady covered an iron nature. +The delightful siren who sounded at night every bell of her amorous +folly could soon make a young man forget the hard and unfeeling +Englishwoman, and it was only step by step that I discovered the stony +rock on which my seeds were wasted, bringing no harvest. Madame +de Mortsauf had penetrated that nature at a glance in their brief +encounter. I remembered her prophetic words. She was right; Arabella's +love became intolerable to me. I have since remarked that most women who +ride well on horseback have little tenderness. Like the Amazons, they +lack a breast; their hearts are hard in some direction, but I do not +know in which. + +At the moment when I begin to feel the burden of the yoke, when +weariness took possession of soul and body too, when at last I +comprehended the sanctity that true feeling imparts to love, when +memories of Clochegourde were bringing me, in spite of distance, the +fragrance of the roses, the warmth of the terrace, and the warble of +the nightingales,--at this frightful moment, when I saw the stony bed +beneath me as the waters of the torrent receded, I received a blow which +still resounds in my heart, for at every hour its echo wakes. + +I was working in the cabinet of the king, who was to drive out at four +o'clock. The Duc de Lenoncourt was on service. When he entered the room +the king asked him news of the countess. I raised my head hastily in too +eager a manner; the king, offended by the action, gave me the look which +always preceded the harsh words he knew so well how to say. + +"Sire, my poor daughter is dying," replied the duke. + +"Will the king deign to grant me leave of absence?" I cried, with tears +in my eyes, braving the anger which I saw about to burst. + +"Go, _my lord_," he answered, smiling at the satire in his words, and +withholding his reprimand in favor of his own wit. + +More courtier than father, the duke asked no leave but got into the +carriage with the king. I started without bidding Lady Dudley good-bye; +she was fortunately out when I made my preparations, and I left a note +telling her I was sent on a mission by the king. At the Croix de Berny I +met his Majesty returning from Verrieres. He threw me a look full of his +royal irony, always insufferable in meaning, which seemed to say: "If +you mean to be anything in politics come back; don't parley with the +dead." The duke waved his hand to me sadly. The two pompous equipages +with their eight horses, the colonels and their gold lace, the escort +and the clouds of dust rolled rapidly away, to cries of "Vive le Roi!" +It seemed to me that the court had driven over the dead body of Madame +de Mortsauf with the utter insensibility which nature shows for our +catastrophes. Though the duke was an excellent man he would no doubt +play whist with Monsieur after the king had retired. As for the duchess, +she had long ago given her daughter the first stab by writing to her of +Lady Dudley. + +My hurried journey was like a dream,--the dream of a ruined gambler; +I was in despair at having received no news. Had the confessor +pushed austerity so far as to exclude me from Clochegourde? I accused +Madeleine, Jacques, the Abbe Dominis, all, even Monsieur de Mortsauf. +Beyond Tours, as I came down the road bordered with poplars which leads +to Poncher, which I so much admired that first day of my search for +mine Unknown, I met Monsieur Origet. He guessed that I was going to +Clochegourde; I guessed that he was returning. We stopped our carriages +and got out, I to ask for news, he to give it. + +"How is Madame de Mortsauf?" I said. + +"I doubt if you find her living," he replied. "She is dying a frightful +death--of inanition. When she called me in, last June, no medical +power could control the disease; she had the symptoms which Monsieur +de Mortsauf has no doubt described to you, for he thinks he has them +himself. Madame la comtesse was not in any transient condition of +ill-health, which our profession can direct and which is often the cause +of a better state, nor was she in the crisis of a disorder the effects +of which can be repaired; no, her disease had reached a point where +science is useless; it is the incurable result of grief, just as a +mortal wound is the result of a stab. Her physical condition is produced +by the inertia of an organ as necessary to life as the action of +the heart itself. Grief has done the work of a dagger. Don't deceive +yourself; Madame de Mortsauf is dying of some hidden grief." + +"Hidden!" I exclaimed. "Her children have not been ill?" + +"No," he said, looking at me significantly, "and since she has been so +seriously attacked Monsieur de Mortsauf has ceased to torment her. I am +no longer needed; Monsieur Deslandes of Azay is all-sufficient; nothing +can be done; her sufferings are dreadful. Young, beautiful, and rich, to +die emaciated, shrunken with hunger--for she dies of hunger! During the +last forty days the stomach, being as it were closed up, has rejected +all nourishment, under whatever form we attempt to give it." + +Monsieur Origet pressed my hand with a gesture of respect. + +"Courage, monsieur," he said, lifting his eyes to heaven. + +The words expressed his compassion for sufferings he thought shared; +he little suspected the poisoned arrow which they shot into my heart. +I sprang into the carriage and ordered the postilion to drive on, +promising a good reward if I arrived in time. + +Notwithstanding my impatience I seemed to do the distance in a few +minutes, so absorbed was I in the bitter reflections that crowded upon +my soul. Dying of grief, yet her children were well? then she died +through me! My conscience uttered one of those arraignments which echo +throughout our lives and sometimes beyond them. What weakness, what +impotence in human justice, which avenges none but open deeds! Why shame +and death to the murderer who kills with a blow, who comes upon you +unawares in your sleep and makes it last eternally, who strikes without +warning and spares you a struggle? Why a happy life, an honored life, to +the murderer who drop by drop pours gall into the soul and saps the body +to destroy it? How many murderers go unpunished! What indulgence for +fashionable vice! What condoning of the homicides caused by moral +wrongs! I know not whose avenging hand it was that suddenly, at that +moment, raised the painted curtain that reveals society. I saw before +me many victims known to you and me,--Madame de Beauseant, dying, and +starting for Normandy only a few days earlier; the Duchesse de Langeais +lost; Lady Brandon hiding herself in Touraine in the little house where +Lady Dudley had stayed two weeks, and dying there, killed by a frightful +catastrophe,--you know it. Our period teems with such events. Who does +not remember that poor young woman who poisoned herself, overcome by +jealousy, which was perhaps killing Madame de Mortsauf? Who has not +shuddered at the fate of that enchanting young girl who perished after +two years of marriage, like a flower torn by the wind, the victim of +her chaste ignorance, the victim of a villain with whom Ronquerolles, +Montriveau, and de Marsay shake hands because he is useful to their +political projects? What heart has failed to throb at the recital of the +last hours of the woman whom no entreaties could soften, and who would +never see her husband after nobly paying his debts? Madame d'Aiglemont +saw death beside her and was saved only by my brother's care. Society +and science are accomplices in crimes for which there are no assizes. +The world declares that no one dies of grief, or of despair; nor yet of +love, of anguish hidden, of hopes cultivated yet fruitless, again and +again replanted yet forever uprooted. Our new scientific nomenclature +has plenty of words to explain these things; gastritis, pericarditis, +all the thousand maladies of women the names of which are whispered in +the ear, all serve as passports to the coffin followed by hypocritical +tears that are soon wiped by the hand of a notary. Can there be at +the bottom of this great evil some law which we do not know? Must the +centenary pitilessly strew the earth with corpses and dry them to dust +about him that he may raise himself, as the millionaire battens on a +myriad of little industries? Is there some powerful and venomous life +which feasts on these gentle, tender creatures? My God! do I belong to +the race of tigers? + +Remorse gripped my heart in its scorching fingers, and my cheeks were +furrowed with tears as I entered the avenue of Clochegourde on a damp +October morning, which loosened the dead leaves of the poplars planted +by Henriette in the path where once she stood and waved her handkerchief +as if to recall me. Was she living? Why did I feel her two white hands +upon my head laid prostrate in the dust? In that moment I paid for all +the pleasures that Arabella had given me, and I knew that I paid dearly. +I swore not to see her again, and a hatred of England took possession of +me. Though Lady Dudley was only a variety of her species, I included all +Englishwomen in my judgment. + +I received a fresh shock as I neared Clochegourde. Jacques, Madeleine, +and the Abbe Dominis were kneeling at the foot of a wooden cross placed +on a piece of ground that was taken into the enclosure when the iron +gate was put up, which the count and countess had never been willing +to remove. I sprang from the carriage and went towards them, my heart +aching at the sight of these children and that grave old man imploring +the mercy of God. The old huntsman was there too, with bared head, +standing a little apart. + +I stooped to kiss Jacques and Madeleine, who gave me a cold look and +continued praying. The abbe rose from his knees; I took him by the arm +to support myself, saying, "Is she still alive?" He bowed his head +sadly and gently. "Tell me, I implore you for Christ's sake, why are you +praying at the foot of this cross? Why are you here, and not with her? +Why are the children kneeling here this chilly morning? Tell me all, +that I may do no harm through ignorance." + +"For the last few days Madame le comtesse has been unwilling to see her +children except at stated times.--Monsieur," he continued after a +pause, "perhaps you had better wait a few hours before seeing Madame +de Mortsauf; she is greatly changed. It is necessary to prepare her for +this interview, or it might cause an increase in her sufferings--death +would be a blessed release from them." + +I wrung the hand of the good man, whose look and voice soothed the pangs +of others without sharpening them. + +"We are praying God to help her," he continued; "for she, so saintly, so +resigned, so fit to die, has shown during the last few weeks a horror of +death; for the first time in her life she looks at others who are full +of health with gloomy, envious eyes. This aberration comes less, I +think, from the fear of death than from some inward intoxication,--from +the flowers of her youth which ferment as they wither. Yes, an evil +angel is striving against heaven for that glorious soul. She is passing +through her struggle on the Mount of Olives; her tears bathe the white +roses of her crown as they fall, one by one, from the head of this +wedded Jephtha. Wait; do not see her yet. You would bring to her the +atmosphere of the court; she would see in your face the reflection of +the things of life, and you would add to the bitterness of her regret. +Have pity on a weakness which God Himself forgave to His Son when He +took our nature upon Him. What merit would there be in conquering if we +had no adversary? Permit her confessor or me, two old men whose worn-out +lives cause her no pain, to prepare her for this unlooked-for meeting, +for emotions which the Abbe Birotteau has required her to renounce. +But, in the things of this world there is an invisible thread of divine +purpose which religion alone can see; and since you have come perhaps +you are led by some celestial star of the moral world which leads to the +tomb as to the manger--" + +He then told me, with that tempered eloquence which falls like dew upon +the heart, that for the last six months the countess had suffered daily +more and more, in spite of Monsieur Origet's care. The doctor had come +to Clochegourde every evening for two months, striving to rescue her +from death; for her one cry had been, "Oh, save me!" "To heal the body +the heart must first be healed," the doctor had exclaimed one day. + +"As the illness increased, the words of this poor woman, once so gentle, +have grown bitter," said the Abbe. "She calls on earth to keep her, +instead of asking God to take her; then she repents these murmurs +against the divine decree. Such alternations of feeling rend her heart +and make the struggle between body and soul most horrible. Often the +body triumphs. 'You have cost me dear,' she said one day to Jacques and +Madeleine; but in a moment, recalled to God by the look on my face, she +turned to Madeleine with these angelic words, 'The happiness of others +is the joy of those who cannot themselves be happy,'--and the tone with +which she said them brought tears to my eyes. She falls, it is true, but +each time that her feet stumble she rises higher towards heaven." + +Struck by the tone of the successive intimations chance had sent me, +and which in this great concert of misfortunes were like a prelude of +mournful modulations to a funereal theme, the mighty cry of expiring +love, I cried out: "Surely you believe that this pure lily cut from +earth will flower in heaven?" + +"You left her still a flower," he answered, "but you will find her +consumed, purified by the forces of suffering, pure as a diamond buried +in the ashes. Yes, that shining soul, angelic star, will issue glorious +from the clouds and pass into the kingdom of the Light." + +As I pressed the hand of the good evangelist, my heart overflowing with +gratitude, the count put his head, now entirely white, out of the door +and immediately sprang towards me with signs of surprise. + +"She was right! He is here! 'Felix, Felix, Felix has come!' she kept +crying. My dear friend," he continued, beside himself with terror, +"death is here. Why did it not take a poor madman like me with one foot +in the grave?" + +I walked towards the house summoning my courage, but on the threshold +of the long antechamber which crossed the house and led to the lawn, the +Abbe Birotteau stopped me. + +"Madame la comtesse begs you will not enter at present," he said to me. + +Giving a glance within the house I saw the servants coming and going, +all busy, all dumb with grief, surprised perhaps by the orders Manette +gave them. + +"What has happened?" cried the count, alarmed by the commotion, as much +from fear of the coming event as from the natural uneasiness of his +character. + +"Only a sick woman's fancy," said the abbe. "Madame la comtesse does +not wish to receive monsieur le vicomte as she now is. She talks of +dressing; why thwart her?" + +Manette came in search of Madeleine, whom I saw leave the house a few +moments after she had entered her mother's room. We were all, Jacques +and his father, the two abbes and I, silently walking up and down the +lawn in front of the house. I looked first at Montbazon and then at +Azay, noticing the seared and yellow valley which answered in its +mourning (as it ever did on all occasions) to the feelings of my heart. +Suddenly I beheld the dear "mignonne" gathering the autumn flowers, no +doubt to make a bouquet at her mother's bidding. Thinking of all which +that signified, I was so convulsed within me that I staggered, my sight +was blurred, and the two abbes, between whom I walked, led me to the +wall of a terrace, where I sat for some time completely broken down but +not unconscious. + +"Poor Felix," said the count, "she forbade me to write to you. She knew +how much you loved her." + +Though prepared to suffer, I found I had no strength to bear a scene +which recalled my memories of past happiness. "Ah!" I thought, "I see +it still, that barren moor, dried like a skeleton, lit by a gray sky, in +the centre of which grew a single flowering bush, which again and again +I looked at with a shudder,--the forecast of this mournful hour!" + +All was gloom in the little castle, once so animated, so full of life. +The servants were weeping; despair and desolation everywhere. The paths +were not raked, work was begun and left undone, the workmen standing +idly about the house. Though the grapes were being gathered in the +vineyard, not a sound reached us. The place seemed uninhabited, so deep +the silence! We walked about like men whose grief rejects all ordinary +topics, and we listened to the count, the only one of us who spoke. + +After a few words prompted by the mechanical love he felt for his wife +he was led by the natural bent of his mind to complain of her. She had +never, he said, taken care of herself or listened to him when he gave +her good advice. He had been the first to notice the symptoms of her +illness, for he had studied them in his own case; he had fought them and +cured them without other assistance than careful diet and the avoidance +of all emotion. He could have cured the countess, but a husband ought +not to take so much responsibility upon himself, especially when he +has the misfortune of finding his experience, in this as in everything, +despised. In spite of all he could say, the countess insisted on seeing +Origet,--Origet, who had managed his case so ill, was now killing his +wife. If this disease was, as they said, the result of excessive grief, +surely he was the one who had been in a condition to have it. What +griefs could the countess have had? She was always happy; she had never +had troubles or annoyances. Their fortune, thanks to his care and to his +sound ideas, was now in a most satisfactory state; he had always allowed +Madame de Mortsauf to reign at Clochegourde; her children, well trained +and now in health, gave her no anxiety,--where, then, did this grief +they talked of come from? + +Thus he argued and discussed the matter, mingling his expressions of +despair with senseless accusations. Then, recalled by some sudden memory +to the admiration which he felt for his wife, tears rolled from his eyes +which had been dry so long. + +Madeleine came to tell me that her mother was ready. The Abbe Birotteau +followed me. Madeleine, now a grave young girl, stayed with her father, +saying that the countess desired to be alone with me, and also that the +presence of too many persons would fatigue her. The solemnity of +this moment gave me that sense of inward heat and outward cold which +overcomes us often in the great events of life. The Abbe Birotteau, one +of those men whom God marks for his own by investing them with sweetness +and simplicity, together with patience and compassion, took me aside. + +"Monsieur," he said, "I wish you to know that I have done all in my +power to prevent this meeting. The salvation of this saint required it. +I have considered her only, and not you. Now that you are about to see +her to whom access ought to have been denied you by the angels, let me +say that I shall be present to protect you against yourself and perhaps +against her. Respect her weakness. I do not ask this of you as a priest, +but as a humble friend whom you did not know you had, and who would fain +save you from remorse. Our dear patient is dying of hunger and thirst. +Since morning she is a victim to the feverish irritation which precedes +that horrible death, and I cannot conceal from you how deeply she +regrets life. The cries of her rebellious flesh are stifled in my +heart--where they wake echoes of a wound still tender. But Monsieur de +Dominis and I accept this duty that we may spare the sight of this moral +anguish to her family; as it is, they no longer recognize their star by +night and by day in her; they all, husband, children, servants, all +are asking, 'Where is she?'--she is so changed! When she sees you, her +regrets will revive. Lay aside your thoughts as a man of the world, +forget its vanities, be to her the auxiliary of heaven, not of earth. +Pray God that this dear saint die not in a moment of doubt, giving voice +to her despair." + +I did not answer. My silence alarmed the poor confessor. I saw, I heard, +I walked, and yet I was no longer on the earth. The thought, "In what +state shall I find her? Why do they use these precautions?" gave rise to +apprehensions which were the more cruel because so indefinite; all forms +of suffering crowded my mind. + +We reached the door of the chamber and the abbe opened it. I then saw +Henriette, dressed in white, sitting on her little sofa which was placed +before the fireplace, on which were two vases filled with flowers; +flowers were also on a table near the window. The expression of the +abbe's face, which was that of amazement at the change in the room, now +restored to its former state, showing me that the dying woman had sent +away the repulsive preparations which surround a sick-bed. She had spent +the last waning strength of fever in decorating her room to receive him +whom in that final hour she loved above all things else. Surrounded by +clouds of lace, her shrunken face, which had the greenish pallor of a +magnolia flower as it opens, resembled the first outline of a cherished +head drawn in chalks upon the yellow canvas of a portrait. To feel how +deeply the vulture's talons now buried themselves in my heart, imagine +the eyes of that outlined face finished and full of life,--hollow +eyes which shone with a brilliancy unusual in a dying person. The calm +majesty given to her in the past by her constant victory over sorrow +was there no longer. Her forehead, the only part of her face which still +kept its beautiful proportions, wore an expression of aggressive will +and covert threats. In spite of the waxy texture of her elongated face, +inward fires were issuing from it like the fluid mist which seems to +flame above the fields of a hot day. Her hollow temples, her sunken +cheeks showed the interior formation of the face, and the smile upon her +whitened lips vaguely resembled the grin of death. Her robe, which was +folded across her breast, showed the emaciation of her beautiful figure. +The expression of her head said plainly that she knew she was changed, +and that the thought filled her with bitterness. She was no longer the +arch Henriette, nor the sublime and saintly Madame de Mortsauf, but the +nameless something of Bossuet struggling against annihilation, driven to +the selfish battle of life against death by hunger and balked desire. I +took her hand, which was dry and burning, to kiss it, as I seated myself +beside her. She guessed my sorrowful surprise from the very effort that +I made to hide it. Her discolored lips drew up from her famished teeth +trying to form a smile,--the forced smile with which we strive to +hide either the irony of vengeance, the expectation of pleasure, the +intoxication of our souls, or the fury of disappointment. + +"Ah, my poor Felix, this is death," she said, "and you do not like +death; odious death, of which every human creature, even the boldest +lover, feels a horror. This is the end of love; I knew it would be so. +Lady Dudley will never see you thus surprised at the change in her. Ah! +why have I so longed for you, Felix? You have come at last, and I reward +your devotion by the same horrible sight that made the Comte de Rance +a Trappist. I, who hoped to remain ever beautiful and noble in your +memory, to live there eternally a lily, I it is who destroy your +illusions! True love cannot calculate. But stay; do not go, stay. +Monsieur Origet said I was much better this morning; I shall recover. +Your looks will bring me back to life. When I regain a little strength, +when I can take some nourishment, I shall be beautiful again. I +am scarcely thirty-five, there are many years of happiness before +me,--happiness renews our youth; yes, I must know happiness! I have made +delightful plans,--we will leave Clochegourde and go to Italy." + +Tears filled my eyes and I turned to the window as if to look at the +flowers. The abbe followed me hastily, and bending over the bouquet +whispered, "No tears!" + +"Henriette, do you no longer care for our dear valley," I said, as if to +explain my sudden movement. + +"Oh, yes!" she said, turning her forehead to my lips with a fond motion. +"But without you it is fatal to me,--without _thee_," she added, putting +her burning lips to my ear and whispering the words like a sigh. + +I was horror-struck at the wild caress, and my will was not strong +enough to repress the nervous agitation I felt throughout this scene. I +listened without reply; or rather I replied by a fixed smile and signs +of comprehension; wishing not to thwart her, but to treat her as a +mother does a child. Struck at first with the change in her person, I +now perceived that the woman, once so dignified in her bearing, showed +in her attitude, her voice, her manners, in her looks and her ideas, the +naive ignorance of a child, its artless graces, its eager movements, +its careless indifference to everything that is not its own desire,--in +short all the weaknesses which commend a child to our protection. Is it +so with all dying persons? Do they strip off social disguises till +they are like children who have never put them on? Or was it that the +countess feeling herself on the borders of eternity, rejected every +human feeling except love? + +"You will bring me health as you used to do, Felix," she said, "and our +valley will still be my blessing. How can I help eating what you will +give me? You are such a good nurse. Besides, you are so rich in health +and vigor that life is contagious beside you. My friend, prove to me +that I need not die--die blighted. They think my worst suffering is +thirst. Oh, yes, my thirst is great, dear friend. The waters of the +Indre are terrible to see; but the thirst of my heart is greater far. +I thirsted for thee," she said in a smothered voice, taking my hands in +hers, which were burning, and drawing me close that she might whisper +in my ear. "My anguish has been in not seeing thee! Did you not bid +me live? I will live; I too will ride on horseback; I will know life, +Paris, fetes, pleasures, all!" + +Ah! Natalie, that awful cry--which time and distance render cold--rang +in the ears of the old priest and in mine; the tones of that glorious +voice pictured the battles of a lifetime, the anguish of a true love +lost. The countess rose with an impatient movement like that of a child +which seeks a plaything. When the confessor saw her thus the poor man +fell upon his knees and prayed with clasped hands. + +"Yes, to live!" she said, making me rise and support her; "to live with +realities and not with delusions. All has been delusions in my life; I +have counted them up, these lies, these impostures! How can I die, I +who have never lived? I who have never roamed a moor to meet him!" She +stopped, seemed to listen, and to smell some odor through the walls. +"Felix, the vintagers are dining, and I, I," she said, in the voice of +a child, "I, the mistress, am hungry. It is so in love,--they are happy, +they, they!--" + +"Kyrie eleison!" said the poor abbe, who with clasped hands and eyes +raised to heaven was reciting his litanies. + +She flung an arm around my neck, kissed me violently, and pressed me to +her, saying, "You shall not escape me now!" She gave the little nod with +which in former days she used, when leaving me for an instant, to say +she would return. "We will dine together," she said; "I will go and tell +Manette." She turned to go, but fainted; and I laid her, dressed as she +was, upon the bed. + +"You carried me thus before," she murmured, opening her eyes. + +She was very light, but burning; as I took her in my arms I felt the +heat of her body. Monsieur Deslandes entered and seemed surprised at the +decoration of the room; but seeing me, all was explained to him. + +"We must suffer much to die," she said in a changed voice. + +The doctor sat down and felt her pulse, then he rose quickly and said a +few words in a low voice to the priest, who left the room beckoning me +to follow him. + +"What are you going to do?" I said to the doctor. + +"Save her from intolerable agony," he replied. "Who could have believed +in so much strength? We cannot understand how she can have lived in this +state so long. This is the forty-second day since she has either eaten +or drunk." + +Monsieur Deslandes called for Manette. The Abbe Birotteau took me to the +gardens. + +"Let us leave her to the doctor," he said; "with Manette's help he will +wrap her in opium. Well, you have heard her now--if indeed it is she +herself." + +"No," I said, "it is not she." + +I was stupefied with grief. I left the grounds by the little gate of the +lower terrace and went to the punt, in which I hid to be alone with my +thoughts. I tried to detach myself from the being in which I lived,--a +torture like that with which the Tartars punish adultery by fastening a +limb of the guilty man in a piece of wood and leaving him with a knife +to cut it off if he would not die of hunger. My life was a failure, too! +Despair suggested many strange ideas to me. Sometimes I vowed to die +beside her; sometimes to bury myself at Meilleraye among the Trappists. +I looked at the windows of the room where Henriette was dying, fancying +I saw the light that was burning there the night I betrothed my soul to +hers. Ah! ought I not to have followed the simple life she had created +for me, keeping myself faithfully to her while I worked in the world? +Had she not bidden me become a great man expressly that I might be +saved from base and shameful passions? Chastity! was it not a sublime +distinction which I had not know how to keep? Love, as Arabella +understood it, suddenly disgusted me. As I raised my humbled head asking +myself where, in future, I could look for light and hope, what interest +could hold me to life, the air was stirred by a sudden noise. I turned +to the terrace and there saw Madeleine walking alone, with slow steps. +During the time it took me to ascend the terrace, intending to ask the +dear child the reason of the cold look she had given me when kneeling at +the foot of the cross, she had seated herself on the bench. When she saw +me approach her, she rose, pretending not to have seen me, and returned +towards the house in a significantly hasty manner. She hated me; she +fled from her mother's murderer. + +When I reached the portico I saw Madeleine like a statue, motionless and +erect, evidently listening to the sound of my steps. Jacques was sitting +in the portico. His attitude expressed the same insensibility to what +was going on about him that I had noticed when I first saw him; it +suggested ideas such as we lay aside in some corner of our mind to take +up and study at our leisure. I have remarked that young persons who +carry death within them are usually unmoved at funerals. I longed to +question that gloomy spirit. Had Madeleine kept her thoughts to herself, +or had she inspired Jacques with her hatred? + +"You know, Jacques," I said, to begin the conversation, "that in me you +have a most devoted brother." + +"Your friendship is useless to me; I shall follow my mother," he said, +giving me a sullen look of pain. + +"Jacques!" I cried, "you, too, against me?" + +He coughed and walked away; when he returned he showed me his +handkerchief stained with blood. + +"Do you understand that?" he said. + +Thus they had each of them a fatal secret. I saw before long that the +brother and sister avoided each other. Henriette laid low, all was in +ruins at Clochegourde. + +"Madame is asleep," Manette came to say, quite happy in knowing that the +countess was out of pain. + +In these dreadful moments, though each person knows the inevitable end, +strong affections fasten on such minor joys. Minutes are centuries which +we long to make restorative; we wish our dear ones to lie on roses, +we pray to bear their sufferings, we cling to the hope that their last +moment may be to them unexpected. + +"Monsieur Deslandes has ordered the flowers taken away; they excited +Madame's nerves," said Manette. + +Then it was the flowers that caused her delirium; she herself was not a +part of it. + +"Come, Monsieur Felix," added Manette, "come and see Madame; she is +beautiful as an angel." + +I returned to the dying woman just as the setting sun was gilding the +lace-work on the roofs of the chateau of Azay. All was calm and pure. +A soft light lit the bed on which my Henriette was lying, wrapped in +opium. The body was, as it were, annihilated; the soul alone reigned +on that face, serene as the skies when the tempest is over. Blanche and +Henriette, two sublime faces of the same woman, reappeared; all the more +beautiful because my recollection, my thought, my imagination, aiding +nature, repaired the devastation of each dear feature, where now the +soul triumphant sent its gleams through the calm pulsations of her +breathing. The two abbes were sitting at the foot of the bed. The count +stood, as though stupefied by the banners of death which floated above +that adored being. I took her seat on the sofa. We all four turned to +each other looks in which admiration for that celestial beauty mingled +with tears of mourning. The lights of thought announced the return of +the Divine Spirit to that glorious tabernacle. + +The Abbe Dominis and I spoke in signs, communicating to each other our +mutual ideas. Yes, the angels were watching her! yes, their flaming +swords shone above that noble brow, which the august expression of her +virtue made, as it were, a visible soul conversing with the spirits of +its sphere. The lines of her face cleared; all in her was exalted and +became majestic beneath the unseen incense of the seraphs who guarded +her. The green tints of bodily suffering gave place to pure white tones, +the cold wan pallor of approaching death. Jacques and Madeleine entered. +Madeleine made us quiver by the adoring impulse which flung her on her +knees beside the bed, crying out, with clasped hand: "My mother! here is +my mother!" Jacques smiled; he knew he would follow her where she went. + +"She is entering the haven," said the Abbe Birotteau. + +The Abbe Dominis looked at me as if to say: "Did I not tell you the star +would rise in all its glory?" + +Madeleine knelt with her eyes fixed on her mother, breathing when she +breathed, listening to the soft breath, the last thread by which she +held to life, and which we followed in terror, fearing that every effort +of respiration might be the last. Like an angel at the gates of the +sanctuary, the young girl was eager yet calm, strong but reverent. At +that moment the Angelus rang from the village clock-tower. Waves of +tempered air brought its reverberations to remind us that this was the +sacred hour when Christianity repeats the words said by the angel to the +woman who has redeemed the faults of her sex. "Ave Maria!"--surely, at +this moment the words were a salutation from heaven. The prophecy was so +plain, the event so near that we burst into tears. The murmuring sounds +of evening, melodious breezes in the leafage, last warbling of the +birds, the hum and echo of the insects, the voices of the waters, +the plaintive cry of the tree-frog,--all country things were bidding +farewell to the loveliest lily of the valley, to her simple, rural life. +The religious poesy of the hour, now added to that of Nature, expressed +so vividly the psalm of the departing soul that our sobs redoubled. + +Though the door of the chamber was open we were all so plunged in +contemplation of the scene, as if to imprint its memories forever on our +souls, that we did not notice the family servants who were kneeling as +a group and praying fervently. These poor people, living on hope, had +believed their mistress might be spared, and this plain warning overcame +them. At a sign from the Abbe Birotteau the old huntsman went to fetch +the curate of Sache. The doctor, standing by the bed, calm as science, +and holding the hand of the still sleeping woman, had made the confessor +a sign to say that this sleep was the only hour without pain which +remained for the recalled angel. The moment had come to administer the +last sacraments of the Church. At nine o'clock she awoke quietly, looked +at us with surprised but gentle eyes, and we beheld our idol once more +in all the beauty of former days. + +"Mother! you are too beautiful to die--life and health are coming back +to you!" cried Madeleine. + +"Dear daughter, I shall live--in thee," she answered, smiling. + +Then followed heart-rending embraces of the mother and her children. +Monsieur de Mortsauf kissed his wife upon her brow. She colored when she +saw me. + +"Dear Felix," she said, "this is, I think, the only grief that I shall +ever have caused you. Forget all that I may have said,--I, a poor +creature much beside myself." She held out her hand; I took it and +kissed it. Then she said, with her chaste and gracious smile, "As in the +old days, Felix?" + +We all left the room and went into the salon during the last confession. +I approached Madeleine. In presence of others she could not escape me +without a breach of civility; but, like her mother, she looked at +no one, and kept silence without even once turning her eyes in my +direction. + +"Dear Madeleine," I said in a low voice, "What have you against me? +Why do you show such coldness in the presence of death, which ought to +reconcile us all?" + +"I hear in my heart what my mother is saying at this moment," she +replied, with a look which Ingres gave to his "Mother of God,"--that +virgin, already sorrowful, preparing herself to protect the world for +which her son was about to die. + +"And you condemn me at the moment when your mother absolves me,--if +indeed I am guilty." + +"You, _you_," she said, "always _your self_!" + +The tones of her voice revealed the determined hatred of a Corsican, +implacable as the judgments of those who, not having studied life, admit +of no extenuation of faults committed against the laws of the heart. + +An hour went by in deepest silence. The Abbe Birotteau came to us after +receiving the countess's general confession, and we followed him back to +the room where Henriette, under one of those impulses which often come +to noble minds, all sisters of one intent, had made them dress her in +the long white garment which was to be her shroud. We found her sitting +up; beautiful from expiation, beautiful in hope. I saw in the fireplace +the black ashes of my letters which had just been burned, a sacrifice +which, as her confessor afterwards told me, she had not been willing to +make until the hour of her death. She smiled upon us all with the smile +of other days. Her eyes, moist with tears, gave evidence of inward +lucidity; she saw the celestial joys of the promised land. + +"Dear Felix," she said, holding out her hand and pressing mine, "stay +with us. You must be present at the last scene of my life, not the least +painful among many such, but one in which you are concerned." + +She made a sign and the door was closed. At her request the count sat +down; the Abbe Birotteau and I remained standing. Then with Manette's +help the countess rose and knelt before the astonished count, persisting +in remaining there. A moment after, when Manette had left the room, she +raised her head which she had laid upon her husband's knees. + +"Though I have been a faithful wife to you," she said, in a faint voice, +"I have sometimes failed in my duty. I have just prayed to God to give +me strength to ask your pardon. I have given to a friendship outside +of my family more affectionate care than I have shown to you. Perhaps +I have sometimes irritated you by the comparisons you may have made +between these cares, these thoughts, and those I gave to you. I have +had," she said, in a sinking voice, "a deep friendship, which no one, +not even he who has been its object, has fully known. Though I have +continued virtuous according to all human laws, though I have been +a irreproachable wife to you, still other thoughts, voluntary or +involuntary, have often crossed my mind and, in this hour, I fear I +have welcomed them too warmly. But as I have tenderly loved you, and +continued to be your submissive wife, and as the clouds passing beneath +the sky do not alter its purity, I now pray for your blessing with a +clean heart. I shall die without one bitter thought if I can hear +from your lips a tender word for your Blanche, for the mother of your +children,--if I know that you forgive her those things for which she did +not forgive herself till reassured by the great tribunal which pardons +all." + +"Blanche, Blanche!" cried the broken man, shedding tears upon his wife's +head, "Would you kill me?" He raised her with a strength unusual to him, +kissed her solemnly on the forehead, and thus holding her continued: +"Have I no forgiveness to ask of you? Have I never been harsh? Are you +not making too much of your girlish scruples?" + +"Perhaps," she said. "But, dear friend, indulge the weakness of a dying +woman; tranquillize my mind. When you reach this hour you will remember +that I left you with a blessing. Will you grant me permission to leave +to our friend now here that pledge of my affection?" she continued, +showing a letter that was on the mantelshelf. "He is now my adopted son, +and that is all. The heart, dear friend, makes its bequests; my last +wishes impose a sacred duty on that dear Felix. I think I do not put +too great a burden on him; grant that I do not ask too much of you in +desiring to leave him these last words. You see, I am always a woman," +she said, bending her head with mournful sweetness; "after obtaining +pardon I ask a gift--Read this," she added, giving me the letter; "but +not until after my death." + +The count saw her color change: he lifted her and carried her himself to +the bed, where we all surrounded her. + +"Felix," she said, "I may have done something wrong to you. Often I gave +you pain by letting you hope for that I could not give you; but see, +it was that very courage of wife and mother that now enables me to die +forgiven of all. You will forgive me too; you who have so often blamed +me, and whose injustice was so dear--" + +The Abbe Birotteau laid a finger on his lips. At that sign the dying +woman bowed her head, faintness overcame her; presently she waved her +hands as if summoning the clergy and her children and the servants to +her presence, and then, with an imploring gesture, she showed me the +desolate count and the children beside him. The sight of that father, +the secret of whose insanity was known to us alone, now to be left sole +guardian of those delicate beings, brought mute entreaties to her face, +which fell upon my heart like sacred fire. Before receiving extreme +unction she asked pardon of her servants if by a hasty word she had +sometimes hurt them; she asked their prayers and commended each one, +individually, to the count; she nobly confessed that during the last two +months she had uttered complaints that were not Christian and might +have shocked them; she had repulsed her children and clung to life +unworthily; but she attributed this failure of submission to the will +of God to her intolerable sufferings. Finally, she publicly thanked the +Abbe Birotteau with heartfelt warmth for having shown her the illusion +of all earthly things. + +When she ceased to speak, prayers were said again, and the curate of +Sache gave her the viaticum. A few moments later her breathing became +difficult; a film overspread her eyes, but soon they cleared again; she +gave me a last look and died to the eyes of earth, hearing perhaps the +symphony of our sobs. As her last sigh issued from her lips,--the effort +of a life that was one long anguish,--I felt a blow within me that +struck on all my faculties. The count and I remained beside the bier all +night with the two abbes and the curate, watching, in the glimmer of the +tapers, the body of the departed, now so calm, laid upon the mattress of +her bed, where once she had suffered cruelly. It was my first communion +with death. I remained the whole of that night with my eyes fixed +on Henriette, spell-bound by the pure expression that came from the +stilling of all tempests, by the whiteness of that face where still I +saw the traces of her innumerable affections, although it made no answer +to my love. What majesty in that silence, in that coldness! How many +thoughts they expressed! What beauty in that cold repose, what power in +that immobility! All the past was there and futurity had begun. Ah! I +loved her dead as much as I had loved her living. In the morning the +count went to bed; the three wearied priests fell asleep in that heavy +hour of dawn so well known to those who watch. I could then, without +witnesses, kiss that sacred brow with all the love I had never been +allowed to utter. + +The third day, in a cool autumn morning, we followed the countess to her +last home. She was carried by the old huntsman, the two Martineaus, and +Manette's husband. We went down by the road I had so joyously ascended +the day I first returned to her. We crossed the valley of the Indre to +the little cemetery of Sache--a poor village graveyard, placed behind +the church on the slope of the hill, where with true humility she had +asked to be buried beneath a simple cross of black wood, "like a poor +country-woman," she said. When I saw, from the centre of the valley, +the village church and the place of the graveyard a convulsive shudder +seized me. Alas! we have all our Golgothas, where we leave the first +thirty-three years of our lives, with the lance-wound in our side, the +crown of thorns and not of roses on our brow--that hill-slope was to me +the mount of expiation. + +We were followed by an immense crowd, seeking to express the grief of +the valley where she had silently buried so many noble actions. Manette, +her faithful woman, told me that when her savings did not suffice to +help the poor she economized upon her dress. There were babes to be +provided for, naked children to be clothed, mothers succored in their +need, sacks of flour brought to the millers in winter for helpless +old men, a cow sent to some poor home,--deeds of a Christian woman, +a mother, and the lady of the manor. Besides these things, there were +dowries paid to enable loving hearts to marry; substitutes bought for +youths to whom the draft had brought despair, tender offerings of the +loving woman who had said: "The happiness of others is the consolation +of those who cannot themselves be happy." Such things, related at the +"veillees," made the crowd immense. I walked with Jacques and the two +abbes behind the coffin. According to custom neither the count nor +Madeleine were present; they remained alone at Clochegourde. But Manette +insisted in coming with us. "Poor madame! poor madame! she is happy +now," I heard her saying to herself amid her sobs. + +As the procession left the road to the mills I heard a simultaneous moan +and a sound of weeping as though the valley were lamenting for its soul. +The church was filled with people. After the service was over we went to +the graveyard where she wished to be buried near the cross. When I heard +the pebbles and the gravel falling upon the coffin my courage gave way; +I staggered and asked the two Martineaus to steady me. They took me, +half-dead, to the chateau of Sache, where the owners very kindly invited +me to stay, and I accepted. I will own to you that I dreaded a return +to Clochegourde, and it was equally repugnant to me to go to Frapesle, +where I could see my Henriette's windows. Here, at Sache, I was near +her. I lived for some days in a room which looked on the tranquil, +solitary valley I have mentioned to you. It is a deep recess among the +hills, bordered by oaks that are doubly centenarian, through which a +torrent rushes after rain. The scene was in keeping with the stern and +solemn meditations to which I desired to abandon myself. + +I had perceived, during the day which followed the fatal night, how +unwelcome my presence might be at Clochegourde. The count had gone +through violent emotions at the death of his wife; but he had expected +the event; his mind was made up to it in a way that was something like +indifference. I had noticed this several times, and when the countess +gave me that letter (which I still dared not read) and when she spoke +of her affection for me, I remarked that the count, usually so quick +to take offence, made no sign of feeling any. He attributed Henriette's +wording to the extreme sensitiveness of a conscience which he knew to be +pure. This selfish insensibility was natural to him. The souls of these +two beings were no more married than their bodies; they had never +had the intimate communion which keeps feeling alive; they had shared +neither pains nor pleasures, those strong links which tear us by a +thousand edges when broken, because they touch on all our fibers, and +are fastened to the inmost recesses of our hearts. + +Another consideration forbade my return to Clochegourde,--Madeleine's +hostility. That hard young girl was not disposed to modify her hatred +beside her mother's coffin. Between the count, who would have talked to +me incessantly of himself, and the new mistress of the house, who would +have shown me invincible dislike, I should have found myself horribly +annoyed. To be treated thus where once the very flowers welcomed me, +where the steps of the portico had a voice, where my memory clothed with +poetry the balconies, the fountains, the balustrades, the trees, the +glimpses of the valleys! to be hated where I once was loved--the thought +was intolerable to me. So, from the first, my mind was made up. + +Alas! alas! was this the end of the keenest love that ever entered +the heart of man? To the eyes of strangers my conduct might be +reprehensible, but it had the sanction of my own conscience. It is thus +that the noblest feelings, the sublimest dramas of our youth must end. +We start at dawn, as I from Tours to Clochegourde, we clutch the world, +our hearts hungry for love; then, when our treasure is in the crucible, +when we mingle with men and circumstances, all becomes gradually debased +and we find but little gold among the ashes. Such is life! life as it +is; great pretensions, small realities. I meditated long about myself, +debating what I could do after a blow like this which had mown down +every flower of my soul. I resolved to rush into the science of +politics, into the labyrinth of ambition, to cast woman from my life and +to make myself a statesman, cold and passionless, and so remain true to +the saint I loved. My thoughts wandered into far-off regions while my +eyes were fastened on the splendid tapestry of the yellowing oaks, the +stern summits, the bronzed foothills. I asked myself if Henriette's +virtue were not, after all, that of ignorance, and if I were indeed +guilty of her death. I fought against remorse. At last, in the sweetness +of an autumn midday, one of those last smiles of heaven which are so +beautiful in Touraine, I read the letter which at her request I was not +to open before her death. Judge of my feelings as I read it. + + Madame de Mortsauf to the Vicomte Felix de Vandenesse: + + Felix, friend, loved too well, I must now lay bare my heart to + you,--not so much to prove my love as to show you the weight of + obligation you have incurred by the depth and gravity of the + wounds you have inflicted on it. At this moment, when I sink + exhausted by the toils of life, worn out by the shocks of its + battle, the woman within me is, mercifully, dead; the mother alone + survives. Dear, you are now to see how it was that you were the + original cause of all my sufferings. Later, I willingly received + your blows; to-day I am dying of the final wound your hand has + given,--but there is joy, excessive joy in feeling myself + destroyed by him I love. + + My physical sufferings will soon put an end to my mental strength; + I therefore use the last clear gleams of intelligence to implore + you to befriend my children and replace the heart of which you + have deprived them. I would solemnly impose this duty upon you if + I loved you less; but I prefer to let you choose it for yourself + as an act of sacred repentance, and also in faithful continuance + of your love--love, for us, was ever mingled with repentant + thoughts and expiatory fears! but--I know it well--we shall + forever love each other. Your wrong to me was not so fatal an act + in itself as the power which I let it have within me. Did I not + tell you I was jealous, jealous unto death? Well, I die of it. + But, be comforted, we have kept all human laws. The Church has + told me, by one of her purest voices, that God will be forgiving + to those who subdue their natural desires to His commandments. My + beloved, you are now to know all, for I would not leave you in + ignorance of any thought of mine. What I confide to God in my last + hour you, too, must know,--you, king of my heart as He is King of + Heaven. + + Until the ball given to the Duc d'Angouleme (the only ball at + which I was ever present), marriage had left me in that ignorance + which gives to the soul of a young girl the beauty of the angels. + True, I was a mother, but love had never surrounded me with its + permitted pleasures. How did this happen? I do not know; neither + do I know by what law everything within me changed in a moment. + You remember your kisses? they have mastered my life, they have + furrowed my soul; the ardor of your blood awoke the ardor of mine; + your youth entered my youth, your desires my soul. When I rose and + left you proudly I was filled with an emotion for which I know no + name in any language--for children have not yet found a word to + express the marriage of their eyes with light, nor the kiss of + life laid upon their lips. Yes, it was sound coming in the echo, + light flashing through the darkness, motion shaking the universe; + at least, it was rapid like all these things, but far more + beautiful, for it was the birth of the soul! I comprehended then + that something, I knew not what, existed for me in the world,--a + force nobler than thought; for it was all thoughts, all forces, it + was the future itself in a shared emotion. I felt I was but half a + mother. Falling thus upon my heart this thunderbolt awoke desires + which slumbered there without my knowledge; suddenly I divined all + that my aunt had meant when she kissed my forehead, murmuring, + "Poor Henriette!" + + When I returned to Clochegourde, the springtime, the first leaves, + the fragrance of the flowers, the white and fleecy clouds, the + Indre, the sky, all spoke to me in a language till then unknown. + If you have forgotten those terrible kisses, I have never been + able to efface them from my memory,--I am dying of them! Yes, each + time that I have met you since, their impress is revived. I was + shaken from head to foot when I first saw you; the mere + presentiment of your coming overcame me. Neither time nor my firm + will has enabled me to conquer that imperious sense of pleasure. I + asked myself involuntarily, "What must be such joys?" Our mutual + looks, the respectful kisses you laid upon my hand, the pressure + of my arm on yours, your voice with its tender tones,--all, even + the slightest things, shook me so violently that clouds obscured + my sight; the murmur of rebellious senses filled my ears. Ah! if + in those moments when outwardly I increased my coldness you had + taken me in your arms I should have died of happiness. Sometimes I + desired it, but prayer subdued the evil thought. Your name uttered + by my children filled my heart with warmer blood, which gave color + to my cheeks; I laid snares for my poor Madeleine to induce her to + say it, so much did I love the tumults of that sensation. Ah! what + shall I say to you? Your writing had a charm; I gazed at your + letters as we look at a portrait. + + If on that first day you obtained some fatal power over me, + conceive, dear friend, how infinite that power became when it was + given to me to read your soul. What delights filled me when I + found you so pure, so absolutely truthful, gifted with noble + qualities, capable of noblest things, and already so tried! Man + and child, timid yet brave! What joy to find we both were + consecrated by a common grief! Ever since that evening when we + confided our childhoods to each other, I have known that to lose + you would be death,--yes, I have kept you by me selfishly. The + certainty felt by Monsieur de la Berge that I should die if I lost + you touched him deeply, for he read my soul. He knew how necessary + I was to my children and the count; he did not command me to + forbid you my house, for I promised to continue pure in deed and + thought. "Thought," he said to me, "is involuntary, but it can be + watched even in the midst of anguish." "If I think," I replied, + "all will be lost; save me from myself. Let him remain beside me + and keep me pure!" The good old man, though stern, was moved by my + sincerity. "Love him as you would a son, and give him your + daughter," he said. I accepted bravely that life of suffering that + I might not lose you, and I suffered joyfully, seeing that we were + called to bear the same yoke--My God! I have been firm, faithful + to my husband; I have given you no foothold, Felix, in your + kingdom. The grandeur of my passion has reacted on my character; I + have regarded the tortures Monsieur de Mortsauf has inflicted on + me as expiations; I bore them proudly in condemnation of my faulty + desires. Formerly I was disposed to murmur at my life, but since + you entered it I have recovered some gaiety, and this has been the + better for the count. Without this strength, which I derived + through you, I should long since have succumbed to the inward life + of which I told you. + + If you have counted for much in the exercise of my duty so have my + children also. I felt I had deprived them of something, and I + feared I could never do enough to make amends to them; my life was + thus a continual struggle which I loved. Feeling that I was less a + mother, less an honest wife, remorse entered my heart; fearing to + fail in my obligations, I constantly went beyond them. Often have + I put Madeleine between you and me, giving you to each other, + raising barriers between us,--barriers that were powerless! for + what could stifle the emotions which you caused me? Absent or + present, you had the same power. I preferred Madeleine to Jacques + because Madeleine was sometime to be yours. But I did not yield + you to my daughter without a struggle. I told myself that I was + only twenty-eight when I first met you, and you were nearly + twenty-two; I shortened the distance between us; I gave myself up + to delusive hopes. Oh, Felix! I tell you these things to save you + from remorse; also, perhaps, to show you that I was not cold and + insensible, that our sufferings were cruelly mutual; that Arabella + had no superiority of love over mine. I too am the daughter of a + fallen race, such as men love well. + + There came a moment when the struggle was so terrible that I wept + the long nights through; my hair fell off,--you have it! Do you + remember the count's illness? Your nobility of soul far from + raising my soul belittled it. Alas! I dreamed of giving myself to + you some day as the reward of so much heroism; but the folly was a + brief one. I laid it at the feet of God during the mass that day + when you refused to be with me. Jacques' illness and Madeleine's + sufferings seemed to me the warnings of God calling back to Him + His lost sheep. + + Then your love--which is so natural--for that Englishwoman + revealed to me secrets of which I had no knowledge. I loved you + better than I knew. The constant emotions of this stormy life, the + efforts that I made to subdue myself with no other succor than + that religion gave me, all, all has brought about the malady of + which I die. The terrible shocks I have undergone brought on + attacks about which I kept silence. I saw in death the sole + solution of this hidden tragedy. A lifetime of anger, jealousy, + and rage lay in those two months between the time my mother told + me of your relations with Lady Dudley, and your return to + Clochegourde. I wished to go to Paris; murder was in my heart; I + desired that woman's death; I was indifferent to my children. + Prayer, which had hitherto been to me a balm, was now without + influence on my soul. Jealousy made the breach through which death + has entered. And yet I have kept a placid brow. Yes, that period + of struggle was a secret between God and myself. After your return + and when I saw that I was loved, even as I loved you, that nature + had betrayed me and not your thought, I wished to live,--it was + then too late! God had taken me under His protection, filled no + doubt with pity for a being true with herself, true with Him, + whose sufferings had often led her to the gates of the sanctuary. + + My beloved! God has judged me, Monsieur de Mortsauf will pardon + me, but you--will you be merciful? Will you listen to this voice + which now issues from my tomb? Will you repair the evils of which + we are equally guilty?--you, perhaps, less than I. You know what I + wish to ask of you. Be to Monsieur de Mortsauf what a sister of + charity is to a sick man; listen to him, love him--no one loves + him. Interpose between him and his children as I have done. Your + task will not be a long one. Jacques will soon leave home to be in + Paris near his grandfather, and you have long promised me to guide + him through the dangers of that life. As for Madeleine, she will + marry; I pray that you may please her. She is all myself, but + stronger; she has the will in which I am lacking; the energy + necessary for the companion of a man whose career destines him to + the storms of political life; she is clever and perceptive. If + your lives are united she will be happier than her mother. By + acquiring the right to continue my work at Clochegourde you will + blot out the faults I have not sufficiently expiated, though they + are pardoned in heaven and also on earth, for _he_ is generous and + will forgive me. You see I am ever selfish; is it not the proof of + a despotic love? I wish you to still love me in mine. Unable to be + yours in life, I bequeath to you my thoughts and also my duties. + If you do not wish to marry Madeleine you will at least seek the + repose of my soul by making Monsieur de Mortsauf as happy as he + ever can be. + + Farewell, dear child of my heart; this is the farewell of a mind + absolutely sane, still full of life; the farewell of a spirit on + which thou hast shed too many and too great joys to suffer thee to + feel remorse for the catastrophe they have caused. I use that word + "catastrophe" thinking of you and how you love me; as for me, I + reach the haven of my rest, sacrificed to duty and not without + regret--ah! I tremble at that thought. God knows better than I + whether I have fulfilled his holy laws in accordance with their + spirit. Often, no doubt, I have tottered, but I have not fallen; + the most potent cause of my wrong-doing lay in the grandeur of the + seductions that encompassed me. The Lord will behold me trembling + when I enter His presence as though I had succumbed. Farewell + again, a long farewell like that I gave last night to our dear + valley, where I soon shall rest and where you will often--will you + not?--return. + + +Henriette. + +I fell into an abyss of terrible reflections, as I perceived the depths +unknown of the life now lighted up by this expiring flame. The clouds of +my egotism rolled away. She had suffered as much as I--more than I, for +she was dead. She believed that others would be kind to her friend; +she was so blinded by love that she had never so much as suspected the +enmity of her daughter. That last proof of her tenderness pained +me terribly. Poor Henriette wished to give me Clochegourde and her +daughter. + +Natalie, from that dread day when first I entered a graveyard following +the remains of my noble Henriette, whom now you know, the sun has been +less warm, less luminous, the nights more gloomy, movement less agile, +thought more dull. There are some departed whom we bury in the +earth, but there are others more deeply loved for whom our souls are +winding-sheets, whose memory mingles daily with our heart-beats; we +think of them as we breathe; they are in us by the tender law of a +metempsychosis special to love. A soul is within my soul. When some good +thing is done by me, when some true word is spoken, that soul acts +and speaks. All that is good within me issues from that grave, as the +fragrance of a lily fills the air; sarcasm, bitterness, all that you +blame in me is mine. Natalie, when next my eyes are darkened by a cloud +or raised to heaven after long contemplation of earth, when my lips make +no reply to your words or your devotion, do not ask me again, "Of what +are you thinking?" + + * * * * * + +Dear Natalie, I ceased to write some days ago; these memories were too +bitter for me. Still, I owe you an account of the events which followed +this catastrophe; they need few words. When a life is made up of action +and movement it is soon told, but when it passes in the higher regions +of the soul its story becomes diffuse. Henriette's letter put the star +of hope before my eyes. In this great shipwreck I saw an isle on which +I might be rescued. To live at Clochegourde with Madeleine, consecrating +my life to hers, was a fate which satisfied the ideas of which my +heart was full. But it was necessary to know the truth as to her +real feelings. As I was bound to bid the count farewell, I went to +Clochegourde to see him, and met him on the terrace. We walked up and +down for some time. At first he spoke of the countess like a man who +knew the extent of his loss, and all the injury it was doing to his +inner self. But after the first outbreak of his grief was over he +seemed more concerned about the future than the present. He feared his +daughter, who, he told me, had not her mother's gentleness. Madeleine's +firm character, in which there was something heroic blending with her +mother's gracious nature, alarmed the old man, used to Henriette's +tenderness, and he now foresaw the power of a will that never yielded. +His only consolation for his irreparable loss, he said, was the +certainty of soon rejoining his wife; the agitations, the griefs of +these last few weeks had increased his illness and brought back all his +former pains; the struggle which he foresaw between his authority as a +father and that of his daughter, now mistress of the house, would end +his days in bitterness; for though he should have struggled against +his wife, he should, he knew, be forced to give way before his child. +Besides, his son was soon to leave him; his daughter would marry, and +what sort of son-in-law was he likely to have? Though he thus talked of +dying, his real distress was in feeling himself alone for many years to +come without sympathy. + +During this hour when he spoke only of himself, and asked for my +friendship in his wife's name, he completed a picture in my mind of the +remarkable figure of the Emigre,--one of the most imposing types of +our period. In appearance he was frail and broken, but life seemed +persistent in him because of his sober habits and his country +avocations. He is still living. + +Though Madeleine could see me on the terrace, she did not come down. +Several times she came out upon the portico and went back in again, as +if to signify her contempt. I seized a moment when she appeared to beg +the count to go to the house and call her, saying I had a last wish of +her mother to convey to her, and this would be my only opportunity +of doing so. The count brought her, and left us alone together on the +terrace. + +"Dear Madeleine," I said, "if I am to speak to you, surely it should be +here where your mother listened to me when she felt she had less +reason to complain of me than of the circumstances of life. I know +your thoughts; but are you not condemning me without a knowledge of the +facts? My life and happiness are bound up in this place; you know that, +and yet you seek to banish me by the coldness you show, in place of the +brotherly affection which has always united us, and which death should +have strengthened by the bonds of a common grief. Dear Madeleine, you +for whom I would gladly give my life without hope of recompense, without +your even knowing it,--so deeply do we love the children of those who +have succored us,--you are not aware of the project your adorable mother +cherished during the last seven years. If you knew it your feelings +would doubtless soften towards me; but I do not wish to take advantage +of you now. All that I ask is that you do not deprive me of the right +to come here, to breathe the air on this terrace, and to wait until time +has changed your ideas of social life. At this moment I desire not to +ruffle them; I respect a grief which misleads you, for it takes even +from me the power of judging soberly the circumstances in which I find +myself. The saint who now looks down upon us will approve the reticence +with which I simply ask that you stand neutral between your present +feelings and my wishes. I love you too well, in spite of the aversion +you are showing me, to say one word to the count of a proposal he would +welcome eagerly. Be free. Later, remember that you know no one in +the world as you know me, that no man will ever have more devoted +feelings--" + +Up to this moment Madeleine had listened with lowered eyes; now she +stopped me by a gesture. + +"Monsieur," she said, in a voice trembling with emotion. "I know all +your thoughts; but I shall not change my feelings towards you. I would +rather fling myself into the Indre than ally myself to you. I will not +speak to you of myself, but if my mother's name still possesses any +power over you, in her name I beg you never to return to Clochegourde +so long as I am in it. The mere sight of you causes me a repugnance I +cannot express, but which I shall never overcome." + +She bowed to me with dignity, and returned to the house without looking +back, impassible as her mother had been for one day only, but more +pitiless. The searching eye of that young girl had discovered, though +tardily, the secrets of her mother's heart, and her hatred to the man +whom she fancied fatal to her mother's life may have been increased by a +sense of her innocent complicity. + +All before me was now chaos. Madeleine hated me, without considering +whether I was the cause or the victim of these misfortunes. She might +have hated us equally, her mother and me, had we been happy. Thus it was +that the edifice of my happiness fell in ruins. I alone knew the life of +that unknown, noble woman. I alone had entered every region of her +soul; neither mother, father, husband, nor children had ever known +her.--Strange truth! I stir this heap of ashes and take pleasure in +spreading them before you; all hearts may find something in them of +their closest experience. How many families have had their Henriette! +How many noble feelings have left this earth with no historian to fathom +their hearts, to measure the depth and breadth of their spirits. Such is +human life in all its truth! Often mothers know their children as little +as their children know them. So it is with husbands, lovers, brothers. +Did I imagine that one day, beside my father's coffin, I should contend +with my brother Charles, for whose advancement I had done so much? Good +God! how many lessons in the simplest history. + +When Madeleine disappeared into the house, I went away with a broken +heart. Bidding farewell to my host at Sache, I started for Paris, +following the right bank of the Indre, the one I had taken when I +entered the valley for the first time. Sadly I drove through the pretty +village of Pont-de-Ruan. Yet I was rich, political life courted me; +I was not the weary plodder of 1814. Then my heart was full of eager +desires, now my eyes were full of tears; once my life was all before +me to fill as I could, now I knew it to be a desert. I was still +young,--only twenty-nine,--but my heart was withered. A few years had +sufficed to despoil that landscape of its early glory, and to disgust +me with life. You can imagine my feelings when, on turning round, I saw +Madeleine on the terrace. + +A prey to imperious sadness, I gave no thought to the end of my journey. +Lady Dudley was far, indeed, from my mind, and I entered the courtyard +of her house without reflection. The folly once committed, I was forced +to carry it out. My habits were conjugal in her house, and I went +upstairs thinking of the annoyances of a rupture. If you have fully +understood the character and manners of Lady Dudley, you can imagine +my discomfiture when her majordomo ushered me, still in my travelling +dress, into a salon where I found her sumptuously dressed and surrounded +by four persons. Lord Dudley, one of the most distinguished old +statesmen of England, was standing with his back to the fireplace, +stiff, haughty, frigid, with the sarcastic air he doubtless wore in +parliament; he smiled when he heard my name. Arabella's two children, +who were amazingly like de Marsay (a natural son of the old lord), were +near their mother; de Marsay himself was on the sofa beside her. As +soon as Arabella saw me she assumed a distant air, and glanced at my +travelling cap as if to ask what brought me there. She looked me +over from head to foot, as though I were some country gentlemen just +presented to her. As for our intimacy, that eternal passion, those vows +of suicide if I ceased to love her, those visions of Armida, all had +vanished like a dream. I had never clasped her hand; I was a stranger; +she knew me not. In spite of the diplomatic self-possession to which +I was gradually being trained, I was confounded; and all others in my +place would have felt the same. De Marsay smiled at his boots, which +he examined with remarkable interest. I decided at once upon my course. +From any other woman I should modestly have accepted my defeat; but, +outraged at the glowing appearance of the heroine who had vowed to +die for love, and who had scoffed at the woman who was really dead, +I resolved to meet insolence with insolence. She knew very well the +misfortunes of Lady Brandon; to remind her of them was to send a dagger +to her heart, though the weapon might be blunted by the blow. + +"Madame," I said, "I am sure you will pardon my unceremonious entrance, +when I tell you that I have just arrived from Touraine, and that Lady +Brandon has given me a message for you which allows of no delay. I +feared you had already started for Lancashire, but as you are still +in Paris I will await your orders at any hour you may be pleased to +appoint." + +She bowed, and I left the room. Since that day I have only met her in +society, where we exchange a friendly bow, and occasionally a sarcasm. I +talk to her of the inconsolable women of Lancashire; she makes allusion +to Frenchwomen who dignify their gastric troubles by calling them +despair. Thanks to her, I have a mortal enemy in de Marsay, of whom she +is very fond. In return, I call her the wife of two generations. + +So my disaster was complete; it lacked nothing. I followed the plan I +had laid out for myself during my retreat at Sache; I plunged into work +and gave myself wholly to science, literature, and politics. I entered +the diplomatic service on the accession of Charles X., who suppressed +the employment I held under the late king. From that moment I was +firmly resolved to pay no further attention to any woman, no matter how +beautiful, witty, or loving she might be. This determination succeeded +admirably; I obtained a really marvellous tranquillity of mind, and +great powers of work, and I came to understand how much these women +waste our lives, believing, all the while, that a few gracious words +will repay us. + +But--all my resolutions came to naught; you know how and why. Dear +Natalie, in telling you my life, without reserve, without concealment, +precisely as I tell it to myself, in relating to you feelings in which +you have had no share, perhaps I have wounded some corner of your +sensitive and jealous heart. But that which might anger a common woman +will be to you--I feel sure of it--an additional reason for loving me. +Noble women have indeed a sublime mission to fulfil to suffering and +sickened hearts,--the mission of the sister of charity who stanches the +wound, of the mother who forgives a child. Artists and poets are not +the only ones who suffer; men who work for their country, for the future +destiny of the nations, enlarging thus the circle of their passions and +their thoughts, often make for themselves a cruel solitude. They need +a pure, devoted love beside them,--believe me, they understand its +grandeur and its worth. + +To-morrow I shall know if I have deceived myself in loving you. + +Felix. + + + ANSWER TO THE ENVOI + + Madame la Comtesse Natalie de Manerville to Monsieur le Comte + Felix de Vandenesse. + + Dear Count,--You received a letter from poor Madame de Mortsauf, + which, you say, was of use in guiding you through the world,--a + letter to which you owe your distinguished career. Permit me to + finish your education. + + Give up, I beg of you, a really dreadful habit; do not imitate + certain widows who talk of their first husband and throw the + virtues of the deceased in the face of their second. I am a + Frenchwoman, dear count; I wish to marry the whole of the man I + love, and I really cannot marry Madame de Mortsauf too. Having + read your tale with all the attention it deserves,--and you know + the interest I feel in you,--it seems to me that you must have + wearied Lady Dudley with the perfections of Madame de Mortsauf, + and done great harm to the countess by overwhelming her with the + experiences of your English love. Also you have failed in tact to + me, poor creature without other merit than that of pleasing you; + you have given me to understand that I cannot love as Henriette or + Arabella loved you. I acknowledge my imperfections; I know them; + but why so roughly make me feel them? + + Shall I tell you whom I pity?--the fourth woman whom you love. She + will be forced to struggle against three others. Therefore, in + your interests as well as in hers, I must warn you against the + dangers of your tale. For myself, I renounce the laborious glory + of loving you,--it needs too many virtues, Catholic or Anglican, + and I have no fancy for rivalling phantoms. The virtues of the + virgin of Clochegourde would dishearten any woman, however sure of + herself she might be, and your intrepid English amazon discourages + even a wish for that sort of happiness. No matter what a poor + woman may do, she can never hope to give you the joys she will + aspire to give. Neither heart nor senses can triumph against these + memories of yours. I own that I have never been able to warm the + sunshine chilled for you by the death of your sainted Henriette. I + have felt you shuddering beside me. + + My friend,--for you will always be my friend,--never make such + confidences again; they lay bare your disillusions; they + discourage love, and compel a woman to feel doubtful of herself. + Love, dear count, can only live on trustfulness. The woman who + before she says a word or mounts her horse, must ask herself + whether a celestial Henriette might not have spoken better, + whether a rider like Arabella was not more graceful, that woman + you may be very sure, will tremble in all her members. You + certainly have given me a desire to receive a few of those + intoxicating bouquets--but you say you will make no more. There + are many other things you dare no longer do; thoughts and + enjoyments you can never reawaken. No woman, and you ought to know + this, will be willing to elbow in your heart the phantom whom you + hold there. + + You ask me to love you out of Christian charity. I could do much, + I candidly admit, for charity; in fact I could do all--except + love. You are sometimes wearisome and wearied; you call your + dulness melancholy. Very good,--so be it; but all the same it is + intolerable, and causes much cruel anxiety to one who loves you. I + have often found the grave of that saint between us. I have + searched my own heart, I know myself, and I own I do not wish to + die as she did. If you tired out Lady Dudley, who is a very + distinguished woman, I, who have not her passionate desires, + should, I fear, turn coldly against you even sooner than she did. + Come, let us suppress love between us, inasmuch as you can find + happiness only with the dead, and let us be merely friends--I wish + it. + + Ah! my dear count, what a history you have told me! At your + entrance into life you found an adorable woman, a perfect + mistress, who thought of your future, made you a peer, loved you + to distraction, only asked that you would be faithful to her, and + you killed her! I know nothing more monstrous. Among all the + passionate and unfortunate young men who haunt the streets of + Paris, I doubt if there is one who would not stay virtuous ten + years to obtain one half of the favors you did not know how to + value! When a man is loved like that how can he ask more? Poor + woman! she suffered indeed; and after you have written a few + sentimental phrases you think you have balanced your account with + her coffin. Such, no doubt, is the end that awaits my tenderness + for you. Thank you, dear count, I will have no rival on either + side of the grave. When a man has such a crime upon his + conscience, at least he ought not to tell of it. I made you an + imprudent request; but I was true to my woman's part as a daughter + of Eve,--it was your part to estimate the effect of the answer. + You ought to have deceived me; later I should have thanked you. Is + it possible that you have never understood the special virtue of + lovers? Can you not feel how generous they are in swearing that + they have never loved before, and love at last for the first time? + + No, your programme cannot be carried out. To attempt to be both + Madame de Mortsauf and Lady Dudley,--why, my dear friend, it would + be trying to unite fire and water within me! Is it possible that + you don't know women? Believe me, they are what they are, and they + have therefore the defects of their virtues. You met Lady Dudley + too early in life to appreciate her, and the harm you say of her + seems to me the revenge of your wounded vanity. You understood + Madame de Mortsauf too late; you punished one for not being the + other,--what would happen to me if I were neither the one nor the + other? I love you enough to have thought deeply about your future; + in fact, I really care for you a great deal. Your air of the + Knight of the Sad Countenance has always deeply interested me; I + believed in the constancy of melancholy men; but I little thought + that you had killed the loveliest and the most virtuous of women + at the opening of your life. + + Well, I ask myself, what remains for you to do? I have thought it + over carefully. I think, my friend, that you will have to marry a + Mrs. Shandy, who will know nothing of love or of passion, and will + not trouble herself about Madame de Mortsauf or Lady Dudley; who + will be wholly indifferent to those moments of ennui which you + call melancholy, during which you are as lively as a rainy day,--a + wife who will be to you, in short, the excellent sister of charity + whom you are seeking. But as for loving, quivering at a word, + anticipating happiness, giving it, receiving it, experiencing all + the tempests of passion, cherishing the little weaknesses of a + beloved woman--my dear count, renounce it all! You have followed + the advice of your good angel about young women too closely; you + have avoided them so carefully that now you know nothing about + them. Madame de Mortsauf was right to place you high in life at + the start; otherwise all women would have been against you, and + you never would have risen in society. + + It is too late now to begin your training over again; too late to + learn to tell us what we long to hear; to be superior to us at the + right moment, or to worship our pettiness when it pleases us to be + petty. We are not so silly as you think us. When we love we place + the man of our choice above all else. Whatever shakes our faith in + our supremacy shakes our love. In flattering us men flatter + themselves. If you intend to remain in society, to enjoy an + intercourse with women, you must carefully conceal from them all + that you have told me; they will not be willing to sow the flowers + of their love upon the rocks or lavish their caresses to soothe a + sickened spirit. Women will discover the barrenness of your heart + and you will be ever more and more unhappy. Few among them would + be frank enough to tell you what I have told you, or sufficiently + good-natured to leave you without rancor, offering their + friendship, like the woman who now subscribes herself + + Your devoted friend, + + Natalie de Manerville. + + + + +ADDENDUM + +The following personages appear in other stories of the Human Comedy. + + Birotteau, Abbe Francois + Cesar Birotteau + The Vicar of Tours + + Blamont-Chauvry, Princesse de + The Thirteen + Madame Firmiani + + Brandon, Lady Marie Augusta + The Member for Arcis + La Grenadiere + + Chessel, Madame de + The Government Clerks + + Dudley, Lord + The Thirteen + A Man of Business + Another Study of Woman + A Daughter of Eve + + Dudley, Lady Arabella + The Ball at Sceaux + The Magic Skin + The Secrets of a Princess + A Daughter of Eve + Letters of Two Brides + + Givry + Letters of Two Brides + Scenes from a Courtesan's Life + + Lenoncourt, Duc de + Cesar Birotteau + Jealousies of a Country Town + The Gondreville Mystery + Beatrix + + Lenoncourt-Givry, Duchesse de + Letters of Two Brides + Scenes from a Courtesan's Life + + Listomere, Marquis de + A Distinguished Provincial at Paris + A Study of Woman + + Listomere, Marquise de + Lost Illusions + A Distinguished Provincial at Paris + A Study of Woman + A Daughter of Eve + + Louis XVIII., Louis-Stanislas-Xavier + The Chouans + The Seamy Side of History + The Gondreville Mystery + Scenes from a Courtesan's Life + The Ball at Sceaux + Colonel Chabert + The Government Clerks + + Manerville, Comtesse Paul de + A Marriage Settlement + A Daughter of Eve + + Marsay, Henri de + The Thirteen + The Unconscious Humorists + Another Study of Woman + Father Goriot + Jealousies of a Country Town + Ursule Mirouet + A Marriage Settlement + Lost Illusions + A Distinguished Provincial at Paris + Letters of Two Brides + The Ball at Sceaux + Modeste Mignon + The Secrets of a Princess + The Gondreville Mystery + A Daughter of Eve + + Stanhope, Lady Esther + Lost Illusions + + Vandenesse, Comte Felix de + Lost Illusions + A Distinguished Provincial at Paris + Cesar Birotteau + Letters of Two Brides + A Start in Life + The Marriage Settlement + The Secrets of a Princess + Another Study of Woman + The Gondreville Mystery + A Daughter of Eve + + + + + + +End of Project Gutenberg's The Lily of the Valley, by Honore de Balzac + +*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK THE LILY OF THE VALLEY *** + +***** This file should be named 1569.txt or 1569.zip ***** +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: + http://www.gutenberg.org/1/5/6/1569/ + +Produced by John Bickers, and Dagny + +Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions +will be renamed. + +Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no +one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation +(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without +permission and without paying copyright royalties. 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