diff options
| -rw-r--r-- | .gitattributes | 3 | ||||
| -rw-r--r-- | 15594-8.txt | 1781 | ||||
| -rw-r--r-- | 15594-8.zip | bin | 0 -> 32798 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | 15594-h.zip | bin | 0 -> 1592642 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | 15594-h/15594-h.htm | 2595 | ||||
| -rw-r--r-- | 15594-h/images/181.png | bin | 0 -> 40448 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | 15594-h/images/182.png | bin | 0 -> 234802 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | 15594-h/images/183.png | bin | 0 -> 98949 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | 15594-h/images/184.png | bin | 0 -> 44853 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | 15594-h/images/185.png | bin | 0 -> 40028 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | 15594-h/images/186-1.png | bin | 0 -> 170055 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | 15594-h/images/186-2.png | bin | 0 -> 7386 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | 15594-h/images/186-3.png | bin | 0 -> 7687 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | 15594-h/images/187.png | bin | 0 -> 293443 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | 15594-h/images/189.png | bin | 0 -> 91206 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | 15594-h/images/190.png | bin | 0 -> 129821 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | 15594-h/images/191.png | bin | 0 -> 330401 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | 15594-h/images/192.png | bin | 0 -> 64422 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | 15594.txt | 1781 | ||||
| -rw-r--r-- | 15594.zip | bin | 0 -> 32779 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | LICENSE.txt | 11 | ||||
| -rw-r--r-- | README.md | 2 |
22 files changed, 6173 insertions, 0 deletions
diff --git a/.gitattributes b/.gitattributes new file mode 100644 index 0000000..6833f05 --- /dev/null +++ b/.gitattributes @@ -0,0 +1,3 @@ +* text=auto +*.txt text +*.md text diff --git a/15594-8.txt b/15594-8.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..1a84786 --- /dev/null +++ b/15594-8.txt @@ -0,0 +1,1781 @@ +The Project Gutenberg eBook, Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 103, +October 22, 1892, by Various, Edited by F. C. Burnand + + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + + + + +Title: Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 103, October 22, 1892 + + +Author: Various + +Release Date: April 9, 2005 [eBook #15594] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1 + + +***START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI, +VOL. 103, OCTOBER 22, 1892*** + + +E-text prepared by Malcolm Farmer, William Flis, and the Project Gutenberg +Online Distributed Proofreading Team + + + +Note: Project Gutenberg also has an HTML version of this + file which includes the original illustrations. + See 15594-h.htm or 15594-h.zip: + (https://www.gutenberg.org/dirs/1/5/5/9/15594/15594-h/15594-h.htm) + or + (https://www.gutenberg.org/dirs/1/5/5/9/15594/15594-h.zip) + + + + + +PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI + +VOL. 103 + +OCTOBER 22, 1892 + + + + + + + +IN MEMORIAM. + +WILLIAM HARDWICK BRADBURY. + +BORN, DEC. 3, 1832. DIED, OCT. 13, 1892. + + Large-hearted man, most loyal friend, + Art thou too gone--too early lost? + Our comrade true, our tireless host! + Prompt to inspire, console, defend! + Gone! Hearts with grateful memories stored + Ache for thy loss round the old board. + + The well-loved board _he_ loved so well, + His pride, his care, his ceaseless thought; + To him with life-long memories fraught; + For him invested with the spell + O'er a glad present ever cast + By solemn shadows of the past. + + That past for him, indeed, was filled + With a proud spirit-retinue. + Greatness long since his guest he knew. + Whom THACKERAY's manly tones had thrilled; + Who heard keen JERROLD's sparkling speech, + And marked the genial grace of LEECH. + + What changes had he known, who sat + With our four chiefs, of each fast friend! + And must such _camaraderie_ end? + Shall friendly counsel, cordial chat, + Come nevermore again to us + From lips with kindness tremulous? + + No more shall those blue eyes ray out + Swift sympathy, or sudden mirth; + That ever mobile mouth give birth + To frolic whim, or friendly flout? + Our hearts will miss thee to the end, + Amphitryon generous, faithful friend! + + Miss thee? Alas! the void that's there + No other form may hope to fill, + For those who now with sorrow thrill + In gazing on that vacant chair; + Whither it seems he _must_ return, + For whose warm hand-clasp yet we yearn. + + Tribute to genius all may give, + Ours is the homage of the heart; + For a friend lost our tears will start, + Lost to our sight, yet who shall live, + Whilst one who knew that bold frank face + At the old board takes the old place. + + For those, his closer kin, whose home + Is darkened by the shadow grey, + What can respectful love but pray + That consolation thither come + In that most sacred soothing guise + Which natural sorrow sanctifies. + + Bereavement's anguish to assuage + Is a sore task that lies beyond + The scope of friendship or most fond + Affection's power. Yet may this page, + True witness of our love and grief, + To bowed hearts bring some scant relief! + + * * * * * + +"ANECDOTAGE." + +_COMPANION PARAGRAPH TO STORIES OF THE SAME KIND._ + +CURRAN, the celebrated Irish Patriot, was a man of intense wit and +humour. On one occasion he was discussing with RICHARD BRINSLEY +SHERIDAN the possibility of combining the interests of the two +countries under one Crown. "It is a difficult matter to arrange," +observed the brilliant author of the _School for Scandal_, "Right you +are, darlint," acquiesced CURRAN, with the least taste of a brogue. +"But where are ye to find the spalpeens for it? Ye may wake so poor a +creature as a sow, but it takes a real gintleman to raise the rint!" +Then, with a twinkle in his eyes, "But, for all that, ma cruiskeen, +I'm not meself at all at all!" + + * * * * * + +THE LAY OF A SUCCESSFUL ANGLER. + +[Illustration] + + The dainty artificial fly + Designed to catch the wily trout, + Full loud _laudabunt alii_, + And I will join, at times, no doubt, + But yet my praise, without pretence, + Is not from great experience. + + I talk as well as anyone + About the different kinds of tackle, + I praise the Gnat, the Olive Dun, + Discuss the worth of wings and hackle; + I've flies myself of each design, + No book is better filled than mine. + + But when I reach the river's side + Alone, for none of these I wish. + No victim to a foolish pride. + My object is to capture fish; + Let me confess, then, since you ask it-- + A worm it is which fills my basket! + + O brown, unlovely, wriggling worm, + On which with scorn the haughty look, + It is thy fascinating squirm + Which brings the fattest trout to book, + From thee unable to refrain, + Though flies are cast for him in vain! + + Deep gratitude to thee I feel, + And then, perhaps, it's chiefly keen, + When rival anglers view my creel, + And straightway turn a jealous green; + And, should they ask me--"What's your fly?" + "A fancy pattern," I reply! + + * * * * * + +SWORD AND PEN; + +OR, THE RIVAL COMMANDERS. + +(_EXTRACT FROM A MILITARY STORY OF THE NEAR FUTURE._) + +Captain Pipeclay was perplexed when his Company refused to obey him. +He was considered a fairly good soldier, but not up to date. He might +know his drill, he might have read his _Queen's Regulations_, but he +had vague ideas of the power of the Press. + +"You see, Sir," remonstrated his Colour-Sergeant; "if the rear rank +think they should stand fast when you give the command 'Open order!' +it is only a matter of opinion. You may be right, or you may be wrong. +Speaking for myself, I am inclined to fancy that the men are making a +mistake; but you can't always consider yourself omniscient." + +"Sergeant," returned the officer, harshly; "it is not the business of +men to argue, but to obey." + +"Pardon me again, Sir, but isn't that slightly old-fashioned? I know +that theoretically you have reason on your side; but then in these +days of the latter end of the nineteenth century, we must not he bound +too tightly to precedent." + +The Captain bit his moustache for the fourth time, and then again gave +the order. But there was no response. The Company moved not a muscle. + +"This is mutiny!" cried the officer. "I will break everyone of you. +I will put you all in the cells; and in the orderly room to-morrow +morning, we will soon see if there is such a thing as discipline." + +"Discipline!" repeated the Sergeant. "Beg your pardon, Sir, but I +don't think the men understand what you mean. The word is not to be +found in the most recent dictionaries." + +And certainly things seemed to be reaching a climax, for however much +the Commander might shout, not one of the rank and file stirred an +inch. It was at this moment that a cloaked figure approached the +parade-ground. The new-comer strode about with a bearing that +suggested one accustomed to receive obedience. + +"What is the matter?" asked the Disguised One. + +"I can't get my men to obey me," explained the Captain. "I have been +desiring them to take open order for the last ten minutes, and they +remain as they were." + +"What have they to say in their defence?" was the inquiry of the Man +in the Cloak. + +"He won't let us write to the newspapers!" was heard from the ranks. + +"Is this really so?" asked the new-comer, in a tone more of sorrow +than of anger. + +"Well, Sir," returned the Captain, "as it is a rule of the Service +that no communications shall be sent to the Press, I thought that--" + +"You had no right to think, Sir!" was the sharp reply. "Are you so +ignorant that you do not know that it is a birth-right of a true-born +Briton to air his opinions in the organs of publicity? You will allow +the men to go to their quarters at once, that they may state their +grievances on paper. They are at perfect liberty to write what they +please, and they may rest assured that their communications will +escape the grave of the waste-paper basket." + +Thus encouraged, the Company dismissed without further word of +command. + +"And who may you be?" asked the Captain, with some bitterness. "Are +you the Commander-in-Chief?" + +"I am one infinitely more powerful," was the reply. And then the +speaker threw off his disguise-cloak, and appeared in morning-dress. +"Behold in me the Editor of an influential Journal!" + +A week later the Captain had sent in his papers, and every man in the +Company he had once commanded wore the stripe of a Lance Corporal. And +thus was the power of the Press once again sufficiently vindicated. + + * * * * * + +THE BATTLE OF THE BARDS; OR, THE LISTS FOR THE LAURELS. + +[Illustration] + +PROEM. + + _Tan-ta-ra-ra-ra-ra!_ The trumpets blare! + The rival Bards, wild-eyed, with windblown hair, + And close-hugged harps, advance with fire-winged feet + For the green Laureate Laurels to compete; + The laurels vacant from the brows of him + In whose fine light all lesser lustres dim. + Tourney of Troubadours! The laurels lie + On crimson velvet cushion couched on high, + Whilst _Punch_, Lord-Warden of his country's fame, + Attends the strains to hear, the victor-bard to name. + + And first advances, as by right supreme, + With frosted locks adrift, and eyes a-dream, + With quick short footfalls, and an arm a-swing, + As to some cosmic rhythm heard to ring + From Putney to Parnassus, a brief bard. + (In stature, _not_ in song!) Though passion-scarred, + Porphyrogenitus at least he looks; + Haughty as one who rivalry scarce brooks; + Unreminiscent now of youthful rage, + Almost "respectable," and well-nigh sage, + Dame GRUNDY owns her once redoubted foe, + Whose polished paganry's erotic flow, + And red anarchic wrath 'gainst priests, and kings, + The virtues, and most other "proper" things, + Once drew her frown where now her smile's bestowed. + Such is the power of timely palinode! + Soft twanged his lyre and loud his voice outrang, + As the first Bard this moving measure sang:-- + +ON THE BAYS. + +(_To the tune--more or less--of "In the Bay."_) + +I. + + Beyond the bellowing onset of base war, + Their latest wearer wendeth! With wild zest. + Fulfilled of windy resonance, the rest + Of the bard-mob must hotly joust and jar + To win the wreath that he beyond the bar + Bare not away athwart the bland sea's breast. + +II. + + And sooth the soft sheen of that deathless bay + Gleams glamorous! Amorous was I in my day, + Clamorous were Gath's goose-critics. But my fire, + Chastened from To-phet-fumes, burns purer, higher; + My thoughts on courtier-wings _might_ make their way + Did my brow bear the laurels all these desire. + +III. + + For I, to the proprieties reconciled. + Who hymned Dolores, sing the "weanling child." + At "home-made treacle" I made mocking mirth; + That was before my better self had birth. + At virtue's lilies and languors then I smiled, + But Hertha's _not_ thine only goddess, O Earth! + +IV. + + For surely brother, and master, and lord, and king, + Though vice's roses and raptures did not spring + In thy poetic garden's trim parterre; + Though thou wert fond of sunshine and sweet air, + More than of kisses, that burn, and bite, and sting; + Some living love our England for thee bare. + +V. + + Thou, too, couldst sing about her sweet salt sea, + And trumpet pæans loud to Liberty, + With clamour of all applausive throats. Thy feet, + Not wine-press red, yet left the flowers more sweet, + From the pure passage of the god to be; + And then couldst thunder praises of England's Fleet. + +VI. + + I did not think to glorify gods and kings, + Who scourged them ever with hate's sanguineous rods; + But who with hope and faith may live at odds? + And then these jingling jays with plume-plucked wings, + Compete, and laureate laurels _are_ lovely things, + Though crowing lyric lauders of kings and gods! + + Beshrew the blatant bleating of sheep-voiced mimes! + True thunder shall strike dumb their chirping chimes. + If there _be_ laureate laurels, or bays, or palms, + In these red, Radical, revelling, riotous times, + They should be the true bard's, though mid-age calms + His revolutionary fierce rolling rhymes, + Fulfilled with clamour and clangour and storm of--psalms + + That great lyre's golden echoes rolled away! + Forth tripped another claimant of the bay. + Trim, tittivated, tintinnabulant, + His bosom aped the true Parnassian pant, + As may a housemaid's leathern bellows mock + The rock--whelmed Titan's breathings. He no shock + Of bard-like shagginess shook to the breeze. + A modern Cambrian Minstrel hopes to please + By undishevelled dandy-daintiness, + Whether of lays or locks, of rhymes or dress. + Some bards pipe from Parnassus, some from Hermon; + Room for the singer of the Sunday Sermon! + His stimulant tepid tea, his theme a text, + Carmarthen's cultured caroller comes next! + +THE WORTH OF VERSE. + +AIR--"_The Birth of Verse_." + + Wild thoughts which occupy the brain, + Vague prophecies which fill the ear, + Dim perturbation, precious pain, + A gleam of hope, a chill of fear,-- + These vex the poet's spirit. Moral:-- + Have a shy at the Laureate Laurel! + + Some say no definite thought there is + In my full flatulence of sound. + Let National Observers quiz + (H-NL-Y won't have it. I'll be bound!) + Envy! _O trumpery, O MORRIS!_ + Could JUVENAL jealous be of HORACE? + + I know the chambers of my soul + Are filled with laudatory airs, + Such as the salaried bard should troll + When he the Laureate laurels wears. + And I am he who opened Hades, + To harmless parsons and to ladies! + + For I _can_ "moralise my song" + More palpably than Mr. POPE; + And I can touch the toiling throng: + There is small doubt of _that_, I hope. + I've piped for him who ploughs the furrows, + And stood for the Carmarthen Boroughs. + + I mayn't be strong, inspired, complete, + But on the Liberal goose I'm sound. + And I can count my (rhythmic) feet + With any Pegasus around. + I witch all women, and some men, + GLADSTONE I've drawn, and written "_Gwen_." + + If these be not sufficient claims, + The worth of Verse is vastly small. + I've called him various pretty names, + The honoured Master of us all; + "His place is with the Immortals." Yes! + But I could fill it _here_, I guess! + + His "chaste white Muse" could not object, + For mine is white, and awfully chaste. + Now ALGERNON has no respect + For purity and public taste. + EDWIN is given to allegory. + Whilst ALFRED is a wicked Tory!!! + + He ceased. Great PUNCHIUS rubbed his eagle beak. + And said, "I think we'll take the rest next week!" + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Experienced Sportsman_ (_on Pony_). "WELL--HAD GOOD +SPORT, FRED, OLD BOY?" + +_Inexperienced Fred_. "NOT EXACTLY 'GOOD,'--BUT I THINK I'VE LET OFF +ABOUT A HUNDRED CARTRIDGES." + +_Experienced Sportsman_. "NOT SO BAD. S'POSE YOU MUST HAVE 'LET OFF' +AN EQUAL NUMBER OF PARTRIDGES!"] + + * * * * * + +IN A GHOST-SHOW. + + _Warlock's "Celebrated Ghost-Exhibition and Deceptio Visus" + has pitched its tent for the night on a Village Green, and the + thrilling Drama of "Maria Martin, or, The Murder in the Red + Barn, in three long Acts, with unrivalled Spectral Effects and + Illusions," is about to begin. The Dramatis Personæ are on the + platform outside; the venerable Mr. MARTIN is exhorting the + crowd to step up and witness his domestic tragedy, while the + injured MARIA, is taking the twopences at the door; WILLIAM + CORDER is finishing a pipe, and two of the Angelic Visions + are dancing, in blue velveteen and silver braid, to the + appropriate air of "The Bogie Man."_ + +INSIDE. + + _The front benches are occupied by Rustic Youths, who beguile + the tedium of waiting by smoking short clays, and trying to + pull off one another's caps._ + +_First Youth_ (_examining the decorative Shakspearian panels on the +proscenium._) They three old wimmin be a-pokin' o' that old nipper, +'ooever he be. + + [_The "old nipper" in question is, of course, MACBETH._ + +_Second Youth._ Luk up at that 'un tother side--it's a Gineral's +gho-ast a-frightenin' th' undertaker (_A subject from "Hamlet"_) +They've gi'en over dancin' outside--they'll be beginning soon. (_The +company descend the steps, and pass behind the scenes._) We shall see +proper 'ere, we shall. + + [_The Curtain draws up, and reveals a small stage, with an + inclined sheet of glass in a heavy frame in front; behind this + glass is the Cottage Home of MARIA MARTIN._ + +_Maria_ (_coming out of Cottage, and speaking in an inaudible tone_). +At last--WILLIAM CORDER--to make me his wife--I know not why--strange +misgiving 'as come over me. + +[Illustration: "They catch one another's wrists, and walk up and down +together."] + + [_She is unfeelingly requested to speak up._ + +_William Corder_ (_whose villany is suggested at once by his wearing +a heavy silver double watch-chain, with two coins appended, and no +neck-tie--enters left_). Yes, MARIA, as I have promised, I will take +you to London, and make you my wife--but first meet me in disguise +to-night, and in secret, at the Red Barn. + + [_MARIA is understood to demur, but finally agrees to the + rendezvous, and retires into the Cottage. Old Mr. MARTIN + comes out in a black frock-coat, and a white waistcoat--he + has no neck-tie either, but the omission, in his case, merely + suggests a virtuous economy. He feebly objects to MARIA + being married in London, but admits that, "Perhaps he has no + right to interfere with WILLIAM's arrangements," and goes + indoors again. WILLIAM retires, and the scene changes to a + 'very small street, which is presently invaded by a very large + Comic Countryman, called "TIM," who is engaged to MARIA's + sister NANNY._ + +_Tim_. They tell I, as how the streets o' Lunnon be paved wi' gold, +and I be goin' 'oop to make ma fortune, I be. + + [_NANNY comes in and bribes him to remain by the promise of + "cold pudden with plenty of gravy." Comic business, during + which every reference to "cold pudden" (and there are several) + is received with roars of laughter. WILLIAM CORDER, on + the ingenious plea that he wishes to take some flowers up + to London, borrows a spade and pickaxe from TIM, to whom it + appears he owes ninepence, which he promises--like the villain + he is--to repay "the very next time he sees him in Church."_ + +_William_ (_going off with a flourish and a Shakspearian couplet_). + My _mind's_ made up. Hence _all_ thoughts _that_ are good! + Crimes _once_ commenced, _Must_. End in--blood! [_Act drop._ + +_A Female Spect._ They don't seem in no 'urry to come to th' Gho-ast +part, seemin'ly. + +_Her Swain._ Ye wudn't have 'em do th' Gho-ast afoor th' Murder, wud +ye? + + ACT II.--_The interior of the Red Barn. WILLIAM _discovered + digging MARIA's grave in his shirt-sleeves, and thereby + revealing that his shirt-front is as false as his heart. + He announces that "Nothing can shake him, now, from his + pre-determined purpose," and that "the grave gapes for its + coming victim."_ + + _Enter MARIA, disguised in a brown bowler hat and a very + tight suit of tweed "dittoes," in which she looks very like + the "Male Impersonator" at a Music-hall. The Audience receive + her with derision and the recommendation to go and get her + hair cut._ + +_Maria_. Here am I in disguise at the Red Barn. And yet something +seems to whisper to me that danger is near. WILLIAM, where, _where_ +are you? + +_William_ (_coming out of a corner_). 'Ere, MARIA, 'ere! (_Aside._) +Now to 'url my victim to an early grave! (_Aloud._) 'Ave you obeyed my +instructions and avoided notice? + +_Maria_. I have. Whenever I saw anyone approaching, I hid behind a +hedge and ducked in the ditch. + +_William_ (_with sombre approval_). That was most discreet on your +part, MARIA. No one saw you come in, and no one will ever see you go +out. Be'old your open grave! + + [_After some pleading from MARIA, a desperate struggle takes + place--that is, they catch one another's wrists, and walk up + and down together. MARIA calls upon her Mother's spirit, + whereupon a very youthful Angel is seen floating above the + couple._ + +_The Female S._ (_triumphantly_). Theer now--theer ain't bin no murder +yet, and theer's th' Gho-ast sure enough! + +_Swain_ (_who is not going to own that he is mistaken_). That ain't +naw Gho-ast! + +_Female S._ What is it, then? + +_Swain._ Why, it's the "De-cep-ti-o Vissus," as was wrote up outside. + + [_The Guardian Angel vanishes; WILLIAM _gets a spade, and + aims at MARIA, who takes it away, and strikes him; he is + then reduced to the pick-axe, but she wrests this from him + too, and hits him in the face with it. He pulls her coat off, + and her hair down--but she escapes from him a third time--on + which he snatches up a pistol, and fires it._ + +_William_ (_with unreasonable surprise_). Great Evans! What 'ave I +done? I, am become a _Murderer_! The shot 'as taken effect! See, +she staggers this way! (_Which MARIA does, to die comfortably in +WILLIAM's arms_.) I 'ave slain the only woman who ever truly loved +me; and I know not whether I loved her most while living, or hate her +most now she's dead! (_The Curtain falls, leaving WILLIAM with this +nice point still unsolved, and the Audience profoundly unmoved by the +tragedy, and evidently longing for more of the Comic Countryman._) + + ACT III.--_Interior of Old MARTIN's Cottage. He attempts to + forget his anxiety about his daughter--who he fears, with + only too much reason, has come to an untimely end--by going to + sleep in a highly uncomfortable position on a kitchen-chair. + The Murder is re-enacted in a vision, in dumb-show. The form + of MARIA appears in the tweed suit, and urges him to search + for her remains in the Red Barn._ + +_Old Martin_ (_awaking_). I have 'ad a fearful dream, and I am under +the impression that MARIA has been foully murdered in the Red Barn. + + [_He calls the Comic Countryman to help him "to commence + a thorough investigation"--which he does, in a spirit of + rollicking fun befitting the occasion, as the Scene changes to + the Red Barn._ + +_Old M._ (_finding the spade_). What's this? A spade--and, by its +appearance, it 'as recently been used, for there are marks of blood +upon it! I now begin to be afraid my dream will come true. + + [_Roars of laughter when the Comic C. discovers the body, and + implores it to "say summat!" Change of Scene. WILLIAM CORDER + discovered At Home, in a long perspective of pillars and + curtains, ending in a lawn and fountain._ + +_William_ (_moodily_). 'Tis now exactly twelve months since MARIA +MARTIN was done to death by these 'ands. Since then, I have married a +young, rich, and beautiful wife--and yet I am not 'appy. + + [_Enter Old MARTIN, who, by the simple method of changing + his hat and coat, has now become a Bow-street Officer; he puts + questions to WILLIAM, who at once betrays himself, and has + to be searched. As a pair of pistols exactly resembling one + that was left in the Red Barn, are found in his coat-tail + pockets; his guilt is conclusively proved, and he is led away. + The next Scene shows him in the Condemned Cell, resolving to + sleep away his few remaining hours on a kitchen-chair. He has + a vision of MARIA in tweeds, who exhorts him to repent_. + Old MARTIN, _who is now either the Governor of the Gaol or the + Hangman, enters to conduct him to the scaffold, and on the way + he is met--to the joy of the Audience--by the Comic, C., + who duns him for the ninepence. WILLIAM shakes his head + solemnly, points to the skies, and passes on. The Comic C. + then goes to sleep in a chair and has a vision on his own + account, in which he beholds the apotheosis of MARIA--still + in the suit of dittoes--and piloted by a couple of obviously + overweighted Angels; and also the last moments of WILLIAM + CORDER, who, as he stands under an enlarged "Punch" + gibbet, pronounces the following impressive farewell before + disappearing through a trap._ + + Ye Youth, be warned by my Despair! + Avoid bad women, false as they are fair. (_This is just a little + hard on poor MARIA by-the-way._) + Be wise in time, if you would shun my fate, + For oh! how wretched is the man who's wise too late! + + [_And with this the Drama comes to an end, and the Comic + Countryman begs the Audience to give the performance a good + word to their friends outside._ + + * * * * * + +BETWEEN THE ACTS; OR, THE DRAMA IN LIQUOR. + + SCENE--_Refreshment Saloon at a London Theatre. A three-play + bill forms the evening's entertainment. First Act over. Enter + BROWN, JONES, and ROBINSON._ + +_Brown_. Well, really a very pleasant little piece. Quite amusing. +Yes; I think I will have a cup of coffee or a glass of lemonade. Too +soon after dinner for anything stronger. + +_Jones_. Yes, and really, after laughing so much, one gets a thirst +for what they call light refreshments. I will have some ginger-beer. + +_Robinson_. Well, I think I will stick to iced-water. You know the +Americans are very fond of that. They always take it at meal-times, +and really after that capital _équivoque_ one feels quite satisfied. +(_They are served by the Bar Attendant._) That was really very funny, +where he hides behind the door when she is not looking. + + [_Laughs at the recollection._ + +_Brown_. And when the uncle sits down upon the band-box and crushes +the canary-cage! [_Chuckles._ + +_Jones_. Most clever. But there goes the bell, and the Curtain will +be up directly. Rather clever, I am told. The _Rose of Rouen_--it +is founded on the life of _Joan of Arc_. I am rather fond of these +historical studies. + +_Brown_. So am I. They are very interesting. + +_Robinson_. Do you think so? Well, so far as I am concerned, I +prefer Melodrama. Judging from the title, _The Gory Hand_ should be +uncommonly good. + + [_Exeunt into Theatre. After a pause they return to the + Refreshment Room._ + +_Brown_. Well, it is very clever; but I confess it beats me. (_To Bar +Attendant._) We will all take soda-water. No, thanks, quite neat, and +for these gentlemen too. + +_Jones_. Well, I call it a most excellent psychological study. +However, wants a clear head to understand it. (_Sips his soda-water._) +I don't see how she can take the flag from the Bishop, and yet want to +marry the Englishman. + +_Robinson_. Ah, but that was before the vision. If you think it over +carefully, you will see it was natural enough. Of course, you +must allow for the spirit of the period, and other surrounding +circumstances. + +_Brown_. Are you going to stay for _The Gory Hand_? + +_Jones_. Not I. I am tired of play-acting, and think we have had +enough of it. + +_Robinson_. Well, I think I shall look in. I am rather fond of strong +scenes, and it should be good, to judge from the programme. + +_Jones_. Well, we will "sit out." It's rather gruesome. Quite +different from the other plays. + +_Robinson_. Well, I don't mind horrors--in fact, like them. There goes +the bell. So I am off. Wait until I come back. + +_Brown_. That depends how long you are away. Ta, ta! + + [_Exit ROBINSON._ + +_Jones_. Now, how a fellow can enjoy a piece like that, I cannot +understand. It is full of murders, from the rise to the fall of the +Curtain. + +_Brown_. Yes--but ROBINSON likes that sort of thing. You will see +by-and-by how the plot will affect him. It is rather jumpy, especially +at the end, when the severed head tells the story of the murder to the +assistant executioner. I would not see it again on any account. + +_Jones_. No--it sent my Maiden Aunt in hysterics. However, it has the +merit of being short. (_Applause._) Ah, there it's over! Let's see +how ROBINSON likes it. That _tableau_ at the end, of the +starving-coastguardsman expiring under the rack, is perfectly awful! +(_Enter ROBINSON, staggering in._) Why, my boy, what's the matter? + +_Brown_. You do look scared! Have something to drink? That will set it +all to-rights! + +_Robinson_ (_with his eyes protruding from his head, from horror_). +Here, help! help! (_After a long shudder._) Brandy! Brandy I: Brandy! + + [_At all the places at the bar there is a general demand for + alcohol._ + +_Brown_. Yes. IRVING was right; soda-water does very well for +SHAKSPEARE's histories, but when you come to a piece like _The Bells_, +you require supporting. [_Curtain and moral._ + + * * * * * + +"IN A WINTER (COVENT) GARDEN." + +That indefatigable Showman, Sir DRURIOLANUS, the Invincible Knight, +commenced his Winter Operatic Season on Monday, the Tenth, at Covent +Garden, so as to be well in advance of Signor LAGO, who may now boast +of having _La Donna_, Her Most Gracious MAJESTY, for his patron. + +_Monday Night_.--The two RAVOGLIS in good form in the _Orféo._ +Likewise the Player of the Big Drum made more than one big hit during +the evening. "_Che farò_" was re-demanded. "Tired of '_Faro_,'" quoth +Mr. WAGGSTAFF--"why not make it '_Whisto_,' or some other game?" +_Exit_ WAGGY. The _Intermezzo_ of _Cavalleria Rusticana_ of course +encored enthusiastically. "Signor CREMONNINI," quoth WAGG, returning, +"is not half the 'ninny' his name implies." And, indeed, from the +moment he was heard singing "in his ambush" (as the Irish boy in the +Gallery said of TOM HOHLER at the Dublin Theatre when he heard the +_Trovatore's_ voice behind the scenes) before the rise of the Curtain, +everyone said, "This is the tenner for our money." + +[Illustration: OPERATIC TACTICS. + +_Sir Druriolanus_. "I Say, Bevignani, I think we've got the right +pitch, eh?"] + +_Tuesday_.--The namesake of our own GEORGE AUGUSTUS, Mlle. ROSITA +SALA, made a real hit as _Leonora_ in _Il Trovatore_. "Handsome is as +handsome does," and Mlle. SALA didn't act as "handsome" as she looked. +Another "ninny" played to-night, namely GIANNINNI, all right vocally, +but not much dramatically. "_Il Balen_" was encored when sung by a +manly baritone with the feminine name of ANNA; i.e., Signor DE ANNA. +He might advantageously alter DE-ANNA to APOLLO, that is if he could +be sure of looking the part. + +_Wednesday_.--_Lohengrin_. MELBA as _Elsa_. WAGGSTAFF tried to make +his usual pun on the name of _Ortruda_, but was "countered" by Young +JUMPER who protested that he had heard it before and never wanted to +hear it again. "I know what you're going to say," he exclaimed; "it's +something about '_aught ruder_!' I know!" "I've no doubt you do," +returned the defrauded WAGGY, sarcastically, "for you're uncommonly +like _Othello_, 'Rude am I in speech'--only," added WAGGSTAFF, "_he_ +apologised for it." Young JUMPER sniggered, his friends laughed, and +the incident terminated. The Chorus seemed to have become Wandering +Minstrels, so very uncertain were they. + +Altogether, Sir DRURIOLANUS OPERATICUS, with his successful Drury Lane +Race-course, his Provincial Theatre, his Italian Opera, his Paper (not +_in_ the House, but his weekly one out of it), his Music-of-the-Future +Hall, for which a temporary and limited licence has been granted, +will--in a general-dealer kind of way--be having a good time of it +till Pantomime Season slaps him on the back with a cheery "Here we are +again!" and then he will have another and a better time. No doubt of +Sir Gus's success, or in abbreviated proverbial Latin, "_De Gus. non +disputandum_." + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: THE HEIGHT OF EXCLUSIVENESS. + +_Miss Prunes._ "AH, DOCTOR, THESE HIGH SCHOOLS ARE SADLY MIXED! BUT, +UNDER _MY_ CARE, I CAN ASSURE YOU THAT YOUR LITTLE WARD WILL ASSOCIATE +WITH DAUGHTERS OF _GENTLEMEN ONLY_!" + +_The Doctor._ "THAT, MADAM, IS TO BE SELECT INDEED; SINCE I BELIEVE +PALLAS ATHENE ALONE FULFILLED SUCH A CONDITION." + +(For pedigree of Pallas Athene vide Classical Dictionary--Art. +"Minerva.")] + + * * * * * + +COLUMBUS. + +[Illustration] + + COLUMBUS! We read of him every day, + In books, pamphlets, magazines, papers; + Whilst Italy, Portugal, Spain, U.S.A., + Cut constant, consecutive capers. + + They started last month with reviews on the main; + On the land with processions--a quaint row. + Such the fêtes, aptly called by the French "_Fêtes de Gènes_," + _Fait accompli_, good luck, _ça nous gêne trop!_ + + But never say die; now Huelva goes on, + New York follows, steady and sober, + And Chicago makes ready for more derned, dog gone + _Fêtes_ to last till, at least, next October! + + COLUMBUS, your search for a sort of New Cut + Was meant for the best, we don't doubt it; + No harm in discovering Continents, but + You might have said nothing about it. + + Still, had you not found a location for clam, + Canvas back, buckwheat cakes, we should sorter + Have missed the acquaintance of 'cute Uncle SAM, + And his fearless, free, fragile, fair daughter. + + COLUMBUS! The newspapers never will drop + This subject; we wish, as months roll on, + Some common bacillus had put a full stop + Long ago to Don CHRISTOBAL COLON! + + * * * * * + +"ANECDOTAGE." + +_COMPANION PARAGRAPHS TO STORIES OF THE SAME KIND._ + +SIR WALTER SCOTT was never so well pleased as when meeting a brother +author. One day he passed by a gauger, who was so careless in +his duties that the author of _Waverley_ was able to smuggle into +Edinburgh some whiskey that was supposed never to have paid duty. On +reaching Abbotsford, "the Wizard of the North" was informed that he +had met one of the greatest poets of North Britain. "So I suspected," +he replied. "It must have been BURNS." Sir WALTER was right--it _was_ +BURNS. + + * * * * * + +PITT, the younger, and FOX were both fond of port wine, and lost +no opportunity of indulging in their favourite beverage. Meeting at +CROCKFORD's one evening, PITT (being in straitened circumstances) +proposed that they should play for a bottle of sherry. "No," said +FOX, "if I must lose, I will lose in Claret!" and the rival Statesmen +succumbed to intoxication. + + * * * * * + +WILBERFORCE, the well-known philanthropist, was accustomed to visit +the prisons. At Newgate one day he met a well-known forger, and asked +him "What he was in for?" "For the same reason that you are out," was +the smart, but uncourteous reply. + + * * * * * + +NEW REGULATIONS FOR THE ENGLISH POLICE. + +(_FREELY ADAPTED FROM THE IRISH RULES._) + +[Illustration] + +1. Constables who are required to interfere in a street-row must have +fourteen days' notice before they can be expected on the spot of the +disturbance. + +2. Policemen will parade the streets from 12 A.M. to 4 P.M., but will +make themselves scarce in the event of meeting a party procession, or +noticing the holding of a public demonstration. + +3. Hyde Park, Trafalgar Square, and all other fashionable +trysting-places, shall be considered without the sphere of Police +influence at times of political excitement. + +4. Constables shall not congregate on land set apart for workmen's +gatherings, except to organise strikes amongst themselves. + +5. The labours of the Police shall not commence before sunrise, or +continue after sunset; and it will be left to the sagacity of +the Public to guard their own property during the hours that the +Constables are off duty. + +6. In the absence of the Civil Power, it will be considered contrary +to professional etiquette for any respectable member of the criminal +classes to carry on his unimpeded vocation. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: THE WHITE ELEPHANT. + +PRESENT PROPRIETOR (_loq._). "SEE HERE, GOVERNOR! HE'S A +LIKELY-LOOKING ANIMAL,--BUT _I_ CAN'T MANAGE HIM! IF _YOU_ WON'T TAKE +HIM, I MUST LET HIM GO!!"] + + * * * * * + +THE GREAT UNKNOWN. + + [The Rev. Dr. SMYTHE PALMER, of Trinity College, Dublin, + has just compiled a Book of Extracts, entitled _The Perfect + Gentleman_.] + +A Gentleman must be liberal, not to say lavish, to servants, porters, +gamekeepers, and others, or he is "no gent." At the same time the +Perfect Gentleman is never extravagant. + +He must not work. At the same time he must not be an idler. + +He is known by his scrupulous attention to the minutiæ of personal +appearance, while "despising all outside show." + +The Perfect Gentleman "never wilfully hurts anybody." No soldier, +doctor, or schoolmaster can, therefore, ever be a P.G. + +He is always perfectly open and frank. He is also sufficiently artful +to conceal the fact that he considers the person he is talking to a +mixture of a snob and a blockhead. + +When his favourite corn is trodden on by a weighty stranger, he never +utters any expression stronger than "Dear me!" + +He never loses his temper. + +He must know how to treat everyone according to their rank and +situation in life, but show special courtesy to those who are his +inferiors. + +He must be well-born, although there are plenty of "Nature's +Gentlemen" in the ranks of day-labourers. + +He must be sufficiently wealthy to keep up a good position, while +recognising the fact that money has nothing to do with true gentility. + +He should also try and remember that no such jumble of contradictions +as the Perfect Gentleman ever existed. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: HIS BEST "SOOT." + +_Short-tempered Gentleman in Black_ (_after violent collision with a +Stonemason fresh from work_). "NOW, I'LL ARSK YOU JEST TO LOOK AT THE +NARSTY BEASTLY MESS AS YOU'VE GONE AND MIDE ME IN! WHY, I'M SIMPLY +SMOTHERED IN SOME 'ORRID WHITE STUFF!! WHY DON'T YER BE MORE +CAREFUL!!!"] + + * * * * * + +EPIGRAMMATICALLY PUT.--An Asylums Board Manager wrote to the _Times_ +to complain of Mr. LITTLER, M.P., Q.C.'s charges against the Asylums +and Fever Hospitals management. "Which is right, or which is wrong," +to paraphrase _Mr. Mantalini's_ words, is no business just now of +ours, but the writer of the reply to the attack, might have summed up +by saying "that to _him_, Mr. LITTLER, whatever his Christian names +might be, appeared as a _Be-Littler_." + + * * * * * + +"MR. GLADSTONE ON RENTS IN WALES."--What the Right Honble. Mr. +G. omitted to say, when speaking on this subject, was that "but +a comparatively small rent in Wales would be produced by +Disestablishment, whenever that event should happen, and that this +would soon be mended." + + * * * * * + +TEMPERANCE RIDDLE.--Why is a man who is thoroughly good-natured and +ever ready to oblige, likely to end as a confirmed drunkard? Because +he is always _willing_. + + * * * * * + +A USEFUL EXPERIENCE. + + I awoke at one in the morning, + I had been two hours in bed, + When--bang!--without any warning + A joke came into my head. + 'Twas brilliant, awfully funny, + It flashed through my drowsy brain, + It was worth--oh, a lot of money!-- + I chuckled again and again. + + I thought how I might employ it, + I laughed till the tears rolled down, + Foreseeing how SMITH would enjoy it, + And how it would tickle BROWN. + I said, "I had best but hint it + To _them_, or they might purloin + This wonderful jest, then print it, + And between them divide the coin." + + Late in the morn I awoke,--I + Puzzled with all my might + In vain to recall the joke I + Made in the silent night. + What _was_ it about? No dreamer + Am I! No--I think--I frown-- + When next I make a screamer + In bed--_I will write it down_. + + By the side of the bed a taper + Shall ever with matches be, + A pencil and piece of paper, + To note what occurs to me. + * * * * * + Since then I have tried, but the late joke, + As seen in my bedside scrawl, + Is always so poor,--that the great joke, + _I'm sure, was no joke at all!_ + + * * * * * + +YES OR NO? + + ["The hand-writing of well-educated Ladies is often + disgracefully illegible."--_A Ladies' Journal_.] + + Oh, never did lover in fable + In such a predicament stand, + A letter I wrote to my MABEL, + To ask for her heart and her hand, + With compliments worded so nicely, + A lifelong devotion I swore; + She's answered--and left me precisely + As wise as before! + + It is true that I begged, when inditing + My note, a reply with all speed, + And MABEL, to judge from the writing, + Fulfilled my petition indeed! + The drift of this scrawl, so erratic, + I am wholly unable to guess-- + It may be refusal emphatic, + Or can it be "Yes"? + + "Affection" she'll feel for me "ever," + But stay--if that blot is an "_n_" + It turns it at once into "never," + Or is it a slip of the pen? + Her heart will a "truant (or true?) be," + And what is the word just above? + It looks like--it cannot be--"booby"! + Perhaps it is "love." + + A meeting must needs be awaited + To render these mysteries plain; + Perhaps in this letter she's stated + She never will see me again; + On one thing at least I've decided;-- + Should she be my partner for life, + A type-writer shall be provided + For the use of my wife! + + * * * * * + +THE GERMAN AND HORSE-TRYING RIDE. + + ["Most of the horses were standing, but propping themselves + up against a wall or a post."--_Standard, Wednesday, October + 12th_.] + + Pity the sorrows of a worn-out horse, + Whose trembling limbs support him 'gainst a wall; + Who asks you,--fearing future trials worse-- + To kill him with a sudden shot,--that's all. + + * * * * * + +A CORRESPONDENT signing "INNOCENTIA DOCET," wants to know if "the Hub +of the Universe" is an official appointment that can only be held by a +Mahommedan or a Mormon? + + * * * * * + +CONVERSATIONAL HINTS TO YOUNG SHOOTERS. + +(_BY MR. PUNCH'S OWN GROUSE IN THE GUN-ROOM._) + +And, next, my gallant young Sportsmen, just sharpen up your attention, +and, if you have ears, prepare to lend them now. Be, in fact, +all ears. At any rate, get yourselves as near as possible to that +desirable condition, for we are going to discuss shooting-lunches, and +all that pertains to them. Think of it! Are not some of your happiest +memories, and your most delightful anticipations, bound up with +the mid-day meal, at which the anxieties and disappointments of the +morning, the birds you missed, the birds that, though they got up in +front of you, were shot by your jealous neighbour, the wiped-eyes, +the hands torn in the thorn-bushes, at which, as I say, all these +are forgotten, when you lay aside your gun, and sit down to your +short repose. Then it is that the talker shines supreme. All the +conversation which may have been broken in upon during the morning by +the necessity for posting yourself at the hot corner, or the grassy +ride, or in the butt, or for polishing off a right and left of +partridges, can then flow free and uninterrupted. Ah, happy moments, +when the bad shot becomes as the good, and all distinctions are +levelled! How well, how gratefully do I remember you! Still, in my +waking fancies, there rises to my nose a savoury odour, telling of +stew or hot-pot, and still the crisp succulence of the jam tartlet +has honour in my memory. Ah, _tempi passati, tempi passati_! But away, +fancy, and to our work, which is to speak of + +SHOOTING-LUNCHES + +in their relation to talk:-- + +(1.) Be extremely careful, unless you know exactly the ways of your +host with regard to his shooting-lunch, not to express to him before +lunch any very definite opinion as to what the best kind of lunch +is. If, for instance, you rashly declare that, for your own part, you +detest a solemn sit-down-in-a-farmhouse lunch, and that your ideal +is a sandwich, a biscuit and a nip out of a flask, and if you then +find yourself lunching off three courses at a comfortable table, why +you'll be in a bit of a hole. Consistency would prompt you to abstain, +appetite urges you to eat. What is a poor talker to do? Obviously, he +must get out somehow. Here is a suggested method. Begin by admiring +the room. + +"By Jove, what a jolly little room this is. It's as spick and span as +a model dairy. I wish you'd take me on as your tenant, CHALMERS, when +you've got a vacancy." + +CHALMERS will say, "It's not a bad little hole. Old Mrs. NUBBLES keeps +things wonderfully spruce. This is one of the cottages I built five +years ago." + +There's your first move. Your next is as follows. Every rustic-cottage +contains gruesome china-ornaments and excruciating-cheap German-prints +of such subjects as "_The Tryst_" (always spelt "_The Trist_" on +the German print), "_The Saylor's Return," "The Warior's Dreem_," +"_Napoleon at Arcola_," and so forth. Point to a china-ornament and +say, "I never knew cows in this part of the country were blue and +green." Then after you've exhausted the cow, milked her dry, so to +speak, you can take a turn at the engravings, and make a sly hit at +the taste in art generated by modern education. Hereupon, someone is +dead certain to chime in with the veteran grumble about farmers who +educate their children above their station by allowing their daughters +to learn to play the piano, and their sons to acquire the rudiments +of Latin: "Give you my word of honour, the farmers' daughters about +my uncle's place, get their dresses made by my aunt's dressmaker, and +thump out old WAGNER all day long." This horrible picture of rural +depravity will cause an animated discussion. When it is over, you can +say, "This is the very best Irish-stew I've ever tasted. I must get +your cook to give me the receipt." + +"Ah, my boy," says CHALMERS, "you'll find there's nothing like a stew +out shooting." + +"Of course," you say, "nothing can beat it, if you've got a nice room +to eat it in, and aren't pressed for time; but, if you've got no end +of ground to cover, and not much time to do it in, I can always manage +to do myself on a scrap of anything handy. Thanks, I don't mind if I +do have a chunk of cake, and a whitewash of sherry." + +Thus you have fetched a compass--I fancy the phrase is correct--and +have wiped out the memory of your indiscretion. Of course the thing +may happen the other way round. You may have expressed a preference +for solid lunches, only to find yourself set down on a tuft of grass, +with a beef sandwich and a digestive biscuit. In that case you can +begin by declaring your delight in an open-air meal, go on to admire +the scenery, and end by expressing a certain amount of judicious +contempt for the Sybarite who cannot tear himself away from effeminate +luxuries, and the trick's done. + +But this subject is so great, and has so many varieties, that we must +recur to it in our next. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: IN THE RUE DE LA PAIX. + +_Hairdresser_. "SAY THEN, SARE ZAT YOU ARE RASÉ--SHAVE,--IS IT THAT I +SHALL CUT YOU OFF YOUR 'AIR?" + +_Mr. Brown_ (_an old-fashioned Englishman, on his first Visit +to Paris--startled_). "HEY! WHAT! CUT MY HAIR OFF! NONG, +MOSSOO--COMPRENNY?--NONG! DO YOU THINK I WANT TO LOOK LIKE ONE OF YOUR +FRENCH POODLES?"] + + * * * * * + +TO OUR GUERNSEY CORRESPONDENTS. + +MR. PUNCH is sorry to find that his fancy sketch of a Guernsey Car +drive has been taken so seriously in some quarters as to give pain and +offence which were very far from being intended. He begs to assure the +honourable fraternity of Car-proprietors and drivers in the island, +that he did _not_ mean to suggest for a moment that there was the +slightest real danger to the public who patronise those highly popular +and excellently-conducted vehicles, or that any actual driver was +either intemperate or incompetent; and that, should such an impression +have been unfortunately produced--which he hopes is impossible--no one +would regret so unjust an aspersion more sincerely than _Mr. Punch_ +himself. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: THE GOLFER'S DREAM.] + + * * * * * + +LADY GAY'S SELECTIONS. + +_Mount Street, Grosvenor Square._ + +DEAR MR. PUNCH,--Your marvellous judgment in the selection of your +"staff"--(I believe that is the correct term to use in speaking +of those who write for the paper, though as a rule a staff is +_wooden-headed_, which I am sure none of your contributors are!--I +can answer for _one_!)--has again placed you in the position +envied of all Journals, viz.,--(_why_ do people put "viz.," and +not "namely"?--it _is_ silly!) that of affording "information" +given by no other Journal! All of which preamble means,--(by +the way, why "pre-_amble_"?--if one is a speedy writer, why not +"pre-_canter_"?)--that _Punch_, in the person of LADY GAY--(that _may_ +seem a little mixed, but it isn't)--was the _only_ Sporting Paper +which tipped the winner of the Cesarewitch! + +For confirmation of this I refer the sceptical to my last week's +letter, in which I stated that in dreaming of the race I dreamt that +"_Burnaby came to the rescue_"--and if this is not giving the winner, +I should like to know what is! It is true I made _Brandy_ my "verse +selection," but that would only mislead the people who go no further +than the surface (not of the brandy), as anyone who gave the matter a +moment's thought would realise that Brandy is always applied _after_ +a rescue! I hear there was a "ton of money" for the winner just before +the start, but I did not see anyone carrying it about, so I suppose it +was what they call "covering money," which, I presume, is covered over +for safety, as it would be risky to walk about a race-course with a +ton of loose money--not that I suppose anyone who goes racing would +touch it, but it _might_ be lost! Anyhow, there was a ton of money +for the winner _after_ the race, which his owner _had_ to take, +willy-nilly, or HOBSON's choice! + +The pleasantest feature of the meeting, however, was the re-appearance +of H.R.H. the Prince of WALES, which was also pleasantly marked by one +of his horses winning a race! The Public having anxiously "watched" +for H.R.H., the success of _The Vigil_ was received with enthusiasm! + +Next week takes us to Gatwick and Sandown--(or rather the _train_ +takes us--another absurd expression)--the last day of the latter +Meeting being devoted to "Jumping Races," which is the contemptuous +way some people speak of the winter branch of our National +Sport!--forgetting that it demands the two most desirable qualities +in a horse, _speed and endurance_--whereas the modern flat-racing +has degenerated, for the most part, into scrambles and gambles, where +_speed_ is the only requisite!--but more of this anon--but _not_ +anonymous, as I believe in signed articles, as the apprentice said! +(_Not_ BRADFORD!) + +The most important race at Gatwick--(_delightful_ place to go +racing--lots of room to move about in)--is the Thousand Pound +Handicap, in which race _Brandy_ is worth keeping an eye on, as she +ought to beat _Burnaby_ at the difference in the weights--other horses +that might make their mark during the week--(especially now the ground +is soft)--are, _Pilot, Golden Garter_--(_I_ never was guilty of +such extravagance as that)--_Queen of Navarre_--(_she_ might have +been)--_Meadow Brown_, _Terror_, and _Seawall_, the last three in the +"Jumping Races"--and, in conclusion, the inevitable rhythmical winner, +from + +Yours devotedly, LADY GAY. + +ORLEANS NURSERY SELECTION. + + The man who would back any other + Appears but a gander to be, + For the horse that all comers will smother + Is certainly _Tanderagee_! + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: DIGNITY AND IMPUDENCE. + +"I SAY, GUV'NER! WHEN ARE YOU GOING TO BE TOOK DOWN FOR HALTERATIONS +AND REPAIRS?"] + + * * * * * + +MY SEASON TICKET. + + Ever against my breast, + Safe in my pocket pressed, + Ready at my behest, + Daintily pretty + Gilt-printed piece of leather, + Though fair or foul the weather, + Daily we go together + Up to the City. + Yet, as I ride at ease, + Papers strewn on my knees, + And I hear "Seasons, please!" + Shouted in warning: + Pockets I search in vain + All through and through again; + "Pray do not stop the train-- + Lost it this morning. + No, I have not a card, + Nor can I pay you, Guard-- + Truly my lot is hard, + This is the reason, + Now I recall to mind + Changing my clothes, I find + I left them all behind,-- + Money, cards, 'Season.'" + + * * * * * + +WRITTEN A HUNDRED YEARS HENCE. + +(_FROM A COLLECTION OF COMMUNICATIONS SUPPLIED BY OUR PROPHETIC +COMPILER._) + +DEAR MR. PUNCH,--Pray protect the Griffin! Those Goths and Vandals, +the Members of the Corporation of the City of London, will remove it, +unless you intervene. This beautiful work of Art, that stands on the +supposed site of the mythical Temple Bar, is to come down. What would +our ancestors say if they were here? Would they not frown at their +degenerate descendants? Every student of history knows that this +Griffin was put up by universal consent, and considered one of the +finest works of art of the nineteenth century. As, indeed, it was. +It is full of historic memories. It was here that WELLINGTON met +NAPOLEON after Waterloo; and here, again, was the Volunteer Movement +inaugurated, when Mr. Alderman WAT TYLER, putting himself at the +head of the citizens, called for "Three cheers for the Charter and +the Anti-Corn-Law League!" The beautiful bas-reliefs that used to +represent the occasions have disappeared, but their subjects are +tenderly cherished. If the Corporation _must_ pull down something, let +them destroy the recently-erected Mansion House! but spare, oh spare, +the Griffin! + +Yours truly, A STUDENT OF THE LORE OF THE NINETEENTH CENTURY. + +_The Palace, Brixton_. + +DEAR MR. PUNCH,--It is time for a protest! One of the most beautiful +erections of the nineteenth century (the old South Kensington Railway +Station of the District Railway) is to be removed! Instead of the +picturesque iron roof, we are to have some abomination in stone! Can +this be? It is said to be falling to pieces under the ravages of Time. +If this be really the case, why not let it be restored? There was no +more picturesque outcome from the nineteenth century than these pretty +arrangements in metal. The last generation swept them away by scores, +by hundreds, by thousands--they did not even spare the Brompton +Boilers! Let not such a reproach be applicable to us. We pride +ourselves upon our love of Art and veneration for the antique and the +beautiful, and yet we would pull down a building that for a century +has been the admiration of all with a soul for Art and a mind for +appreciating the sublimest efforts of genius in its highest sense! +This must not be. + +_Burlington House_, + +Yours truly, A ROYAL ACADEMICIAN. + +_From_ 1 _to_ 1000, _Piccadilly._ + +DEAR MR. PUNCH,--I have had the advantage of reading the above letters +before publication, and am of opinion that they are not one whit +more nonsensical than letters about the _Foudroyant_ and the Emmanuel +Hospital that were printed early in the nineties. You may make what +use you please of this communication. + +Yours respectfully, THE SPIRIT OF THE PAST. + +_The Earth (Branch Establishment, Mars and Jupiter)._ + + * * * * * + +NOTICE.--Rejected Communications or Contributions, whether MS., +Printed Matter, Drawings, or Pictures of any description, will in no +case be returned, not even when accompanied by a Stamped and Addressed +Envelope, Cover, or Wrapper. To this rule there will be no exception. + + + +***END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI, VOL. +103, OCTOBER 22, 1892*** + + +******* This file should be named 15594-8.txt or 15594-8.zip ******* + + +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: +https://www.gutenberg.org/dirs/1/5/5/9/15594 + + + +Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions +will be renamed. + +Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no +one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation +(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without +permission and without paying copyright royalties. Special rules, +set forth in the General Terms of Use part of this license, apply to +copying and distributing Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works to +protect the PROJECT GUTENBERG-tm concept and trademark. Project +Gutenberg is a registered trademark, and may not be used if you +charge for the eBooks, unless you receive specific permission. If you +do not charge anything for copies of this eBook, complying with the +rules is very easy. You may use this eBook for nearly any purpose +such as creation of derivative works, reports, performances and +research. They may be modified and printed and given away--you may do +practically ANYTHING with public domain eBooks. Redistribution is +subject to the trademark license, especially commercial +redistribution. + + + +*** START: FULL LICENSE *** + +THE FULL PROJECT GUTENBERG LICENSE +PLEASE READ THIS BEFORE YOU DISTRIBUTE OR USE THIS WORK + +To protect the Project Gutenberg-tm mission of promoting the free +distribution of electronic works, by using or distributing this work +(or any other work associated in any way with the phrase "Project +Gutenberg"), you agree to comply with all the terms of the Full Project +Gutenberg-tm License (available with this file or online at +https://gutenberg.org/license). + + +Section 1. General Terms of Use and Redistributing Project Gutenberg-tm +electronic works + +1.A. By reading or using any part of this Project Gutenberg-tm +electronic work, you indicate that you have read, understand, agree to +and accept all the terms of this license and intellectual property +(trademark/copyright) agreement. If you do not agree to abide by all +the terms of this agreement, you must cease using and return or destroy +all copies of Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works in your possession. +If you paid a fee for obtaining a copy of or access to a Project +Gutenberg-tm electronic work and you do not agree to be bound by the +terms of this agreement, you may obtain a refund from the person or +entity to whom you paid the fee as set forth in paragraph 1.E.8. + +1.B. "Project Gutenberg" is a registered trademark. It may only be +used on or associated in any way with an electronic work by people who +agree to be bound by the terms of this agreement. There are a few +things that you can do with most Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works +even without complying with the full terms of this agreement. See +paragraph 1.C below. There are a lot of things you can do with Project +Gutenberg-tm electronic works if you follow the terms of this agreement +and help preserve free future access to Project Gutenberg-tm electronic +works. See paragraph 1.E below. + +1.C. The Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation ("the Foundation" +or PGLAF), owns a compilation copyright in the collection of Project +Gutenberg-tm electronic works. Nearly all the individual works in the +collection are in the public domain in the United States. If an +individual work is in the public domain in the United States and you are +located in the United States, we do not claim a right to prevent you from +copying, distributing, performing, displaying or creating derivative +works based on the work as long as all references to Project Gutenberg +are removed. Of course, we hope that you will support the Project +Gutenberg-tm mission of promoting free access to electronic works by +freely sharing Project Gutenberg-tm works in compliance with the terms of +this agreement for keeping the Project Gutenberg-tm name associated with +the work. You can easily comply with the terms of this agreement by +keeping this work in the same format with its attached full Project +Gutenberg-tm License when you share it without charge with others. + +1.D. The copyright laws of the place where you are located also govern +what you can do with this work. Copyright laws in most countries are in +a constant state of change. If you are outside the United States, check +the laws of your country in addition to the terms of this agreement +before downloading, copying, displaying, performing, distributing or +creating derivative works based on this work or any other Project +Gutenberg-tm work. The Foundation makes no representations concerning +the copyright status of any work in any country outside the United +States. + +1.E. Unless you have removed all references to Project Gutenberg: + +1.E.1. The following sentence, with active links to, or other immediate +access to, the full Project Gutenberg-tm License must appear prominently +whenever any copy of a Project Gutenberg-tm work (any work on which the +phrase "Project Gutenberg" appears, or with which the phrase "Project +Gutenberg" is associated) is accessed, displayed, performed, viewed, +copied or distributed: + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + +1.E.2. If an individual Project Gutenberg-tm electronic work is derived +from the public domain (does not contain a notice indicating that it is +posted with permission of the copyright holder), the work can be copied +and distributed to anyone in the United States without paying any fees +or charges. If you are redistributing or providing access to a work +with the phrase "Project Gutenberg" associated with or appearing on the +work, you must comply either with the requirements of paragraphs 1.E.1 +through 1.E.7 or obtain permission for the use of the work and the +Project Gutenberg-tm trademark as set forth in paragraphs 1.E.8 or +1.E.9. + +1.E.3. If an individual Project Gutenberg-tm electronic work is posted +with the permission of the copyright holder, your use and distribution +must comply with both paragraphs 1.E.1 through 1.E.7 and any additional +terms imposed by the copyright holder. Additional terms will be linked +to the Project Gutenberg-tm License for all works posted with the +permission of the copyright holder found at the beginning of this work. + +1.E.4. Do not unlink or detach or remove the full Project Gutenberg-tm +License terms from this work, or any files containing a part of this +work or any other work associated with Project Gutenberg-tm. + +1.E.5. Do not copy, display, perform, distribute or redistribute this +electronic work, or any part of this electronic work, without +prominently displaying the sentence set forth in paragraph 1.E.1 with +active links or immediate access to the full terms of the Project +Gutenberg-tm License. + +1.E.6. You may convert to and distribute this work in any binary, +compressed, marked up, nonproprietary or proprietary form, including any +word processing or hypertext form. However, if you provide access to or +distribute copies of a Project Gutenberg-tm work in a format other than +"Plain Vanilla ASCII" or other format used in the official version +posted on the official Project Gutenberg-tm web site (www.gutenberg.org), +you must, at no additional cost, fee or expense to the user, provide a +copy, a means of exporting a copy, or a means of obtaining a copy upon +request, of the work in its original "Plain Vanilla ASCII" or other +form. Any alternate format must include the full Project Gutenberg-tm +License as specified in paragraph 1.E.1. + +1.E.7. Do not charge a fee for access to, viewing, displaying, +performing, copying or distributing any Project Gutenberg-tm works +unless you comply with paragraph 1.E.8 or 1.E.9. + +1.E.8. You may charge a reasonable fee for copies of or providing +access to or distributing Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works provided +that + +- You pay a royalty fee of 20% of the gross profits you derive from + the use of Project Gutenberg-tm works calculated using the method + you already use to calculate your applicable taxes. The fee is + owed to the owner of the Project Gutenberg-tm trademark, but he + has agreed to donate royalties under this paragraph to the + Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation. Royalty payments + must be paid within 60 days following each date on which you + prepare (or are legally required to prepare) your periodic tax + returns. Royalty payments should be clearly marked as such and + sent to the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation at the + address specified in Section 4, "Information about donations to + the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation." + +- You provide a full refund of any money paid by a user who notifies + you in writing (or by e-mail) within 30 days of receipt that s/he + does not agree to the terms of the full Project Gutenberg-tm + License. You must require such a user to return or + destroy all copies of the works possessed in a physical medium + and discontinue all use of and all access to other copies of + Project Gutenberg-tm works. + +- You provide, in accordance with paragraph 1.F.3, a full refund of any + money paid for a work or a replacement copy, if a defect in the + electronic work is discovered and reported to you within 90 days + of receipt of the work. + +- You comply with all other terms of this agreement for free + distribution of Project Gutenberg-tm works. + +1.E.9. If you wish to charge a fee or distribute a Project Gutenberg-tm +electronic work or group of works on different terms than are set +forth in this agreement, you must obtain permission in writing from +both the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation and Michael +Hart, the owner of the Project Gutenberg-tm trademark. Contact the +Foundation as set forth in Section 3 below. + +1.F. + +1.F.1. Project Gutenberg volunteers and employees expend considerable +effort to identify, do copyright research on, transcribe and proofread +public domain works in creating the Project Gutenberg-tm +collection. Despite these efforts, Project Gutenberg-tm electronic +works, and the medium on which they may be stored, may contain +"Defects," such as, but not limited to, incomplete, inaccurate or +corrupt data, transcription errors, a copyright or other intellectual +property infringement, a defective or damaged disk or other medium, a +computer virus, or computer codes that damage or cannot be read by +your equipment. + +1.F.2. LIMITED WARRANTY, DISCLAIMER OF DAMAGES - Except for the "Right +of Replacement or Refund" described in paragraph 1.F.3, the Project +Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation, the owner of the Project +Gutenberg-tm trademark, and any other party distributing a Project +Gutenberg-tm electronic work under this agreement, disclaim all +liability to you for damages, costs and expenses, including legal +fees. YOU AGREE THAT YOU HAVE NO REMEDIES FOR NEGLIGENCE, STRICT +LIABILITY, BREACH OF WARRANTY OR BREACH OF CONTRACT EXCEPT THOSE +PROVIDED IN PARAGRAPH F3. YOU AGREE THAT THE FOUNDATION, THE +TRADEMARK OWNER, AND ANY DISTRIBUTOR UNDER THIS AGREEMENT WILL NOT BE +LIABLE TO YOU FOR ACTUAL, DIRECT, INDIRECT, CONSEQUENTIAL, PUNITIVE OR +INCIDENTAL DAMAGES EVEN IF YOU GIVE NOTICE OF THE POSSIBILITY OF SUCH +DAMAGE. + +1.F.3. LIMITED RIGHT OF REPLACEMENT OR REFUND - If you discover a +defect in this electronic work within 90 days of receiving it, you can +receive a refund of the money (if any) you paid for it by sending a +written explanation to the person you received the work from. If you +received the work on a physical medium, you must return the medium with +your written explanation. The person or entity that provided you with +the defective work may elect to provide a replacement copy in lieu of a +refund. If you received the work electronically, the person or entity +providing it to you may choose to give you a second opportunity to +receive the work electronically in lieu of a refund. If the second copy +is also defective, you may demand a refund in writing without further +opportunities to fix the problem. + +1.F.4. Except for the limited right of replacement or refund set forth +in paragraph 1.F.3, this work is provided to you 'AS-IS', WITH NO OTHER +WARRANTIES OF ANY KIND, EXPRESS OR IMPLIED, INCLUDING BUT NOT LIMITED TO +WARRANTIES OF MERCHANTIBILITY OR FITNESS FOR ANY PURPOSE. + +1.F.5. Some states do not allow disclaimers of certain implied +warranties or the exclusion or limitation of certain types of damages. +If any disclaimer or limitation set forth in this agreement violates the +law of the state applicable to this agreement, the agreement shall be +interpreted to make the maximum disclaimer or limitation permitted by +the applicable state law. The invalidity or unenforceability of any +provision of this agreement shall not void the remaining provisions. + +1.F.6. INDEMNITY - You agree to indemnify and hold the Foundation, the +trademark owner, any agent or employee of the Foundation, anyone +providing copies of Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works in accordance +with this agreement, and any volunteers associated with the production, +promotion and distribution of Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works, +harmless from all liability, costs and expenses, including legal fees, +that arise directly or indirectly from any of the following which you do +or cause to occur: (a) distribution of this or any Project Gutenberg-tm +work, (b) alteration, modification, or additions or deletions to any +Project Gutenberg-tm work, and (c) any Defect you cause. + + +Section 2. Information about the Mission of Project Gutenberg-tm + +Project Gutenberg-tm is synonymous with the free distribution of +electronic works in formats readable by the widest variety of computers +including obsolete, old, middle-aged and new computers. It exists +because of the efforts of hundreds of volunteers and donations from +people in all walks of life. + +Volunteers and financial support to provide volunteers with the +assistance they need, is critical to reaching Project Gutenberg-tm's +goals and ensuring that the Project Gutenberg-tm collection will +remain freely available for generations to come. In 2001, the Project +Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation was created to provide a secure +and permanent future for Project Gutenberg-tm and future generations. +To learn more about the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation +and how your efforts and donations can help, see Sections 3 and 4 +and the Foundation web page at https://www.gutenberg.org/fundraising/pglaf. + + +Section 3. Information about the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive +Foundation + +The Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation is a non profit +501(c)(3) educational corporation organized under the laws of the +state of Mississippi and granted tax exempt status by the Internal +Revenue Service. The Foundation's EIN or federal tax identification +number is 64-6221541. Contributions to the Project Gutenberg +Literary Archive Foundation are tax deductible to the full extent +permitted by U.S. federal laws and your state's laws. + +The Foundation's principal office is located at 4557 Melan Dr. S. +Fairbanks, AK, 99712., but its volunteers and employees are scattered +throughout numerous locations. Its business office is located at +809 North 1500 West, Salt Lake City, UT 84116, (801) 596-1887, email +business@pglaf.org. Email contact links and up to date contact +information can be found at the Foundation's web site and official +page at https://www.gutenberg.org/about/contact + +For additional contact information: + Dr. Gregory B. Newby + Chief Executive and Director + gbnewby@pglaf.org + +Section 4. Information about Donations to the Project Gutenberg +Literary Archive Foundation + +Project Gutenberg-tm depends upon and cannot survive without wide +spread public support and donations to carry out its mission of +increasing the number of public domain and licensed works that can be +freely distributed in machine readable form accessible by the widest +array of equipment including outdated equipment. Many small donations +($1 to $5,000) are particularly important to maintaining tax exempt +status with the IRS. + +The Foundation is committed to complying with the laws regulating +charities and charitable donations in all 50 states of the United +States. Compliance requirements are not uniform and it takes a +considerable effort, much paperwork and many fees to meet and keep up +with these requirements. We do not solicit donations in locations +where we have not received written confirmation of compliance. To +SEND DONATIONS or determine the status of compliance for any +particular state visit https://www.gutenberg.org/fundraising/donate + +While we cannot and do not solicit contributions from states where we +have not met the solicitation requirements, we know of no prohibition +against accepting unsolicited donations from donors in such states who +approach us with offers to donate. + +International donations are gratefully accepted, but we cannot make +any statements concerning tax treatment of donations received from +outside the United States. U.S. laws alone swamp our small staff. + +Please check the Project Gutenberg Web pages for current donation +methods and addresses. Donations are accepted in a number of other +ways including including checks, online payments and credit card +donations. To donate, please visit: +https://www.gutenberg.org/fundraising/donate + + +Section 5. General Information About Project Gutenberg-tm electronic +works. + +Professor Michael S. Hart was the originator of the Project Gutenberg-tm +concept of a library of electronic works that could be freely shared +with anyone. For thirty years, he produced and distributed Project +Gutenberg-tm eBooks with only a loose network of volunteer support. + +Project Gutenberg-tm eBooks are often created from several printed +editions, all of which are confirmed as Public Domain in the U.S. +unless a copyright notice is included. Thus, we do not necessarily +keep eBooks in compliance with any particular paper edition. + +Most people start at our Web site which has the main PG search facility: + + https://www.gutenberg.org + +This Web site includes information about Project Gutenberg-tm, +including how to make donations to the Project Gutenberg Literary +Archive Foundation, how to help produce our new eBooks, and how to +subscribe to our email newsletter to hear about new eBooks. + diff --git a/15594-8.zip b/15594-8.zip Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..75628c5 --- /dev/null +++ b/15594-8.zip diff --git a/15594-h.zip b/15594-h.zip Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..2813e61 --- /dev/null +++ b/15594-h.zip diff --git a/15594-h/15594-h.htm b/15594-h/15594-h.htm new file mode 100644 index 0000000..9f742d9 --- /dev/null +++ b/15594-h/15594-h.htm @@ -0,0 +1,2595 @@ +<!DOCTYPE html PUBLIC "-//W3C//DTD XHTML 1.0 Transitional//EN" + "http://www.w3.org/TR/xhtml1/DTD/xhtml1-transitional.dtd"> +<html> +<head> +<meta http-equiv="Content-Type" content="text/html; charset=ISO-8859-1" /> +<title>The Project Gutenberg eBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 103, October 22, 1892, by Various</title> + <style type="text/css"> + /*<![CDATA[*/ + + <!-- + body {margin-left: 10%; margin-right: 10%;} + p {text-align: justify;} + blockquote {text-align: justify;} + h1,h2,h3,h4,h5,h6 {text-align: center;} + pre {font-size: 0.7em;} + .sc {font-variant: small-caps;} + + hr {text-align: center; width: 50%;} + html>body hr {margin-right: 25%; margin-left: 25%; width: 50%;} + hr.full {width: 100%;} + html>body hr.full {margin-right: 0%; margin-left: 0%; width: 100%;} + hr.short {text-align: center; width: 20%;} + html>body hr.short {margin-right: 40%; margin-left: 40%; width: 20%;} + + .note, .footnote {margin-left: 10%; margin-right: 10%; font-size: 0.9em;} + + span.pagenum + {position: absolute; left: 1%; right: 91%; font-size: 8pt; text-indent: 0;} + + .poem + {margin-left:10%; margin-right:10%; margin-bottom: 1em; text-align: left;} + .poem .stanza {margin: 1em 0em 1em 0em;} + .poem p {margin: 0; padding-left: 3em; text-indent: -3em;} + .poem p.i2 {margin-left: 1em;} + .poem p.i4 {margin-left: 2em;} + .poem p.i6 {margin-left: 3em;} + .poem p.i8 {margin-left: 4em;} + .poem p.i10 {margin-left: 5em;} + + .drama {margin-bottom: 1em; text-align: left;} + .drama p {margin: 1em 0em 0em 0em;; padding-left: 2em; text-indent: -2em;} + .drama p.i2 {margin: 0; margin-left: 1em;} + .drama p.i4 {margin: 0; margin-left: 2em;} + .drama p.i6 {margin: 0; margin-left: 3em;} + .drama p.i8 {margin: 0; margin-left: 4em;} + .drama p.i10 {margin: 0; margin-left: 5em;} + + .figure, .figcenter, .figright, .figleft + {padding: 1em; margin: 0; text-align: center; font-size: 0.8em;} + .figure img, .figcenter img, .figright img, .figleft img + {border: none;} + .figure p, .figcenter p, .figright p, .figleft p + {margin: 0; text-indent: 1em;} + .figcenter {margin: auto;} + .figright {float: right;} + .figleft {float: left;} + + p.author {text-align: right;} + --> + /*]]>*/ + </style> +</head> +<body> +<h1>The Project Gutenberg eBook, Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 103, +October 22, 1892, by Various, Edited by F. C. Burnand</h1> +<pre> +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at <a href = "https://www.gutenberg.org">www.gutenberg.org</a></pre> +<p>Title: Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 103, October 22, 1892</p> +<p>Author: Various</p> +<p>Release Date: April 9, 2005 [eBook #15594]</p> +<p>Language: English</p> +<p>Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1</p> +<p>***START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI, VOL. 103, OCTOBER 22, 1892***</p> +<br /><br /><h3>E-text prepared by Malcolm Farmer, William Flis,<br /> + and the Project Gutenberg Online Distributed Proofreading Team</h3><br /><br /> +<hr class="full" /> + <h1>PUNCH,<br /> + OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.</h1> + + <h2>Vol. 103.</h2> + <hr class="full" /> + + <h2>October 22, 1892.</h2> + <hr class="full" /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page181" + id="page181"></a>[pg 181]</span> + + <h3>IN MEMORIAM.</h3> + + <h2>William Hardwick Bradbury.</h2> + + <h3 class="sc">Born, Dec. 3, 1832. Died, Oct. 13, 1892.</h3> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Large-hearted man, most loyal friend,</p> + + <p class="i2">Art thou too gone—too early + lost?</p> + + <p class="i2">Our comrade true, our tireless host!</p> + + <p>Prompt to inspire, console, defend!</p> + + <p>Gone! Hearts with grateful memories stored</p> + + <p>Ache for thy loss round the old board.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>The well-loved board <i>he</i> loved so well,</p> + + <p class="i2">His pride, his care, his ceaseless + thought;</p> + + <p class="i2">To him with life-long memories + fraught;</p> + + <p>For him invested with the spell</p> + + <p>O'er a glad present ever cast</p> + + <p>By solemn shadows of the past.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>That past for him, indeed, was filled</p> + + <p class="i2">With a proud spirit-retinue.</p> + + <p class="i2">Greatness long since his guest he + knew.</p> + + <p>Whom THACKERAY's manly tones had thrilled;</p> + + <p>Who heard keen JERROLD's sparkling speech,</p> + + <p>And marked the genial grace of LEECH.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>What changes had he known, who sat</p> + + <p class="i2">With our four chiefs, of each fast + friend!</p> + + <p class="i2">And must such <i>camaraderie</i> end?</p> + + <p>Shall friendly counsel, cordial chat,</p> + + <p>Come nevermore again to us</p> + + <p>From lips with kindness tremulous?</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>No more shall those blue eyes ray out</p> + + <p class="i2">Swift sympathy, or sudden mirth;</p> + + <p class="i2">That ever mobile mouth give birth</p> + + <p>To frolic whim, or friendly flout?</p> + + <p>Our hearts will miss thee to the end,</p> + + <p>Amphitryon generous, faithful friend!</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Miss thee? Alas! the void that's there</p> + + <p class="i2">No other form may hope to fill,</p> + + <p class="i2">For those who now with sorrow thrill</p> + + <p>In gazing on that vacant chair;</p> + + <p>Whither it seems he <i>must</i> return,</p> + + <p>For whose warm hand-clasp yet we yearn.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Tribute to genius all may give,</p> + + <p class="i2">Ours is the homage of the heart;</p> + + <p class="i2">For a friend lost our tears will + start,</p> + + <p>Lost to our sight, yet who shall live,</p> + + <p>Whilst one who knew that bold frank face</p> + + <p>At the old board takes the old place.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>For those, his closer kin, whose home</p> + + <p class="i2">Is darkened by the shadow grey,</p> + + <p class="i2">What can respectful love but pray</p> + + <p>That consolation thither come</p> + + <p>In that most sacred soothing guise</p> + + <p>Which natural sorrow sanctifies.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Bereavement's anguish to assuage</p> + + <p class="i2">Is a sore task that lies beyond</p> + + <p class="i2">The scope of friendship or most fond</p> + + <p>Affection's power. Yet may this page,</p> + + <p>True witness of our love and grief,</p> + + <p>To bowed hearts bring some scant relief!</p> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + + <h3>"ANECDOTAGE."</h3> + + <h4><i>Companion Paragraph to Stories of the same + kind.</i></h4> + + <p>CURRAN, the celebrated Irish Patriot, was a man of intense + wit and humour. On one occasion he was discussing with RICHARD + BRINSLEY SHERIDAN the possibility of combining the interests of + the two countries under one Crown. "It is a difficult matter to + arrange," observed the brilliant author of the <i>School for + Scandal</i>, "Right you are, darlint," acquiesced CURRAN, with + the least taste of a brogue. "But where are ye to find the + spalpeens for it? Ye may wake so poor a creature as a sow, but + it takes a real gintleman to raise the rint!" Then, with a + twinkle in his eyes, "But, for all that, ma cruiskeen, I'm not + meself at all at all!"</p> + <hr /> + + <h2>THE LAY OF A SUCCESSFUL ANGLER.</h2> + + <div class="figright" + style="width:50%;"> + <a href="images/181.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/181.png" + alt="" /></a> + </div> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>The dainty artificial fly</p> + + <p class="i2">Designed to catch the wily trout,</p> + + <p>Full loud <i>laudabunt alii</i>,</p> + + <p class="i2">And I will join, at times, no doubt,</p> + + <p>But yet my praise, without pretence,</p> + + <p>Is not from great experience.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>I talk as well as anyone</p> + + <p class="i2">About the different kinds of tackle,</p> + + <p>I praise the Gnat, the Olive Dun,</p> + + <p class="i2">Discuss the worth of wings and + hackle;</p> + + <p>I've flies myself of each design,</p> + + <p>No book is better filled than mine.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>But when I reach the river's side</p> + + <p class="i2">Alone, for none of these I wish.</p> + + <p>No victim to a foolish pride.</p> + + <p class="i2">My object is to capture fish;</p> + + <p>Let me confess, then, since you ask it—</p> + + <p>A worm it is which fills my basket!</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>O brown, unlovely, wriggling worm,</p> + + <p class="i2">On which with scorn the haughty look,</p> + + <p>It is thy fascinating squirm</p> + + <p class="i2">Which brings the fattest trout to + book,</p> + + <p>From thee unable to refrain,</p> + + <p>Though flies are cast for him in vain!</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Deep gratitude to thee I feel,</p> + + <p class="i2">And then, perhaps, it's chiefly keen,</p> + + <p>When rival anglers view my creel,</p> + + <p class="i2">And straightway turn a jealous green;</p> + + <p>And, should they ask me—"What's your fly?"</p> + + <p>"A fancy pattern," I reply!</p> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + + <h2>SWORD AND PEN;</h2> + + <h3 class="sc">Or, The Rival Commanders.</h3> + + <h4>(<i>Extract from a Military Story of the near + Future.</i>)</h4> + + <p>Captain Pipeclay was perplexed when his Company refused to + obey him. He was considered a fairly good soldier, but not up + to date. He might know his drill, he might have read his + <i>Queen's Regulations</i>, but he had vague ideas of the power + of the Press.</p> + + <p>"You see, Sir," remonstrated his Colour-Sergeant; "if the + rear rank think they should stand fast when you give the + command 'Open order!' it is only a matter of opinion. You may + be right, or you may be wrong. Speaking for myself, I am + inclined to fancy that the men are making a mistake; but you + can't always consider yourself omniscient."</p> + + <p>"Sergeant," returned the officer, harshly; "it is not the + business of men to argue, but to obey."</p> + + <p>"Pardon me again, Sir, but isn't that slightly + old-fashioned? I know that theoretically you have reason on + your side; but then in these days of the latter end of the + nineteenth century, we must not he bound too tightly to + precedent."</p> + + <p>The Captain bit his moustache for the fourth time, and then + again gave the order. But there was no response. The Company + moved not a muscle.</p> + + <p>"This is mutiny!" cried the officer. "I will break everyone + of you. I will put you all in the cells; and in the orderly + room to-morrow morning, we will soon see if there is such a + thing as discipline."</p> + + <p>"Discipline!" repeated the Sergeant. "Beg your pardon, Sir, + but I don't think the men understand what you mean. The word is + not to be found in the most recent dictionaries."</p> + + <p>And certainly things seemed to be reaching a climax, for + however much the Commander might shout, not one of the rank and + file stirred an inch. It was at this moment that a cloaked + figure approached the parade-ground. The new-comer strode about + with a bearing that suggested one accustomed to receive + obedience.</p> + + <p>"What is the matter?" asked the Disguised One.</p> + + <p>"I can't get my men to obey me," explained the Captain. "I + have been desiring them to take open order for the last ten + minutes, and they remain as they were."</p> + + <p>"What have they to say in their defence?" was the inquiry of + the Man in the Cloak.</p> + + <p>"He won't let us write to the newspapers!" was heard from + the ranks.</p> + + <p>"Is this really so?" asked the new-comer, in a tone more of + sorrow than of anger.</p> + + <p>"Well, Sir," returned the Captain, "as it is a rule of the + Service that no communications shall be sent to the Press, I + thought that—"</p> + + <p>"You had no right to think, Sir!" was the sharp reply. "Are + you so ignorant that you do not know that it is a birth-right + of a true-born Briton to air his opinions in the organs of + publicity? You will allow the men to go to their quarters at + once, that they may state their grievances on paper. They are + at perfect liberty to write what they please, and they may rest + assured that their communications will escape the grave of the + waste-paper basket."</p> + + <p>Thus encouraged, the Company dismissed without further word + of command.</p> + + <p>"And who may you be?" asked the Captain, with some + bitterness. "Are you the Commander-in-Chief?"</p> + + <p>"I am one infinitely more powerful," was the reply. And then + the speaker threw off his disguise-cloak, and appeared in + morning-dress. "Behold in me the Editor of an influential + Journal!"</p> + + <p>A week later the Captain had sent in his papers, and every + man in the Company he had once commanded wore the stripe of a + Lance Corporal. And thus was the power of the Press once again + sufficiently vindicated.</p> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page182" + id="page182"></a>[pg 182]</span> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:100%;"> + <h2>THE BATTLE OF THE BARDS; OR, THE LISTS FOR THE + LAURELS.</h2><a href="images/182.png"><img width="70%" + src="images/182.png" + alt="THE BATTLE OF THE BARDS; OR, THE LISTS FOR THE LAURELS." /> + </a> + </div> + + <h3 class="sc">Proem.</h3> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p><i>Tan-ta-ra-ra-ra-ra!</i> The trumpets blare!</p> + + <p>The rival Bards, wild-eyed, with windblown hair,</p> + + <p>And close-hugged harps, advance with fire-winged + feet</p> + + <p>For the green Laureate Laurels to compete;</p> + + <p>The laurels vacant from the brows of him</p> + + <p>In whose fine light all lesser lustres dim.</p> + + <p>Tourney of Troubadours! The laurels lie</p> + + <p>On crimson velvet cushion couched on high,</p> + + <p>Whilst <i>Punch</i>, Lord-Warden of his country's + fame,</p> + + <p>Attends the strains to hear, the victor-bard to + name.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>And first advances, as by right supreme,</p> + + <p>With frosted locks adrift, and eyes a-dream,</p> + + <p>With quick short footfalls, and an arm a-swing,</p> + + <p>As to some cosmic rhythm heard to ring</p> + + <p>From Putney to Parnassus, a brief bard.</p> + + <p>(In stature, <i>not</i> in song!) Though + passion-scarred,</p> + + <p>Porphyrogenitus at least he looks;</p> + + <p>Haughty as one who rivalry scarce brooks;</p> + + <p>Unreminiscent now of youthful rage,</p> + + <p>Almost "respectable," and well-nigh sage,</p> + + <p>Dame GRUNDY owns her once redoubted foe,</p> + + <p>Whose polished paganry's erotic flow,</p> + + <p>And red anarchic wrath 'gainst priests, and + kings,</p> + + <p>The virtues, and most other "proper" things,</p> + + <p>Once drew her frown where now her smile's + bestowed.</p> + + <p>Such is the power of timely + palinode!</p><span class="pagenum"><a name="page183" + id="page183"></a>[pg 183]</span> + + <p>Soft twanged his lyre and loud his voice + outrang,</p> + + <p>As the first Bard this moving measure + sang:—</p> + </div> + </div> + + <h3>ON THE BAYS.</h3> + + <center> + (<i>To the tune—more or less—of "In the + Bay."</i>) + </center> + + <h4>I.</h4> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Beyond the bellowing onset of base war,</p> + + <p>Their latest wearer wendeth! With wild zest.</p> + + <p>Fulfilled of windy resonance, the rest</p> + + <p>Of the bard-mob must hotly joust and jar</p> + + <p>To win the wreath that he beyond the bar</p> + + <p>Bare not away athwart the bland sea's breast.</p> + </div> + </div> + + <h4>II.</h4> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>And sooth the soft sheen of that deathless bay</p> + + <p>Gleams glamorous! Amorous was I in my day,</p> + + <p>Clamorous were Gath's goose-critics. But my + fire,</p> + + <p>Chastened from To-phet-fumes, burns purer, + higher;</p> + + <p>My thoughts on courtier-wings <i>might</i> make + their way</p> + + <p>Did my brow bear the laurels all these desire.</p> + </div> + </div> + + <h4>III.</h4> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>For I, to the proprieties reconciled.</p> + + <p>Who hymned Dolores, sing the "weanling child."</p> + + <p>At "home-made treacle" I made mocking mirth;</p> + + <p>That was before my better self had birth.</p> + + <p>At virtue's lilies and languors then I smiled,</p> + + <p>But Hertha's <i>not</i> thine only goddess, O + Earth!</p> + </div> + </div> + + <h4>IV.</h4> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>For surely brother, and master, and lord, and + king,</p> + + <p>Though vice's roses and raptures did not spring</p> + + <p>In thy poetic garden's trim parterre;</p> + + <p>Though thou wert fond of sunshine and sweet air,</p> + + <p>More than of kisses, that burn, and bite, and + sting;</p> + + <p>Some living love our England for thee bare.</p> + </div> + </div> + + <h4>V.</h4> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Thou, too, couldst sing about her sweet salt + sea,</p> + + <p>And trumpet pæans loud to Liberty,</p> + + <p>With clamour of all applausive throats. Thy + feet,</p> + + <p>Not wine-press red, yet left the flowers more + sweet,</p> + + <p>From the pure passage of the god to be;</p> + + <p>And then couldst thunder praises of England's + Fleet.</p> + </div> + </div> + + <h4>VI.</h4> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>I did not think to glorify gods and kings,</p> + + <p>Who scourged them ever with hate's sanguineous + rods;</p> + + <p>But who with hope and faith may live at odds?</p> + + <p>And then these jingling jays with plume-plucked + wings,</p> + + <p>Compete, and laureate laurels <i>are</i> lovely + things,</p> + + <p>Though crowing lyric lauders of kings and gods!</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Beshrew the blatant bleating of sheep-voiced + mimes!</p> + + <p>True thunder shall strike dumb their chirping + chimes.</p> + + <p>If there <i>be</i> laureate laurels, or bays, or + palms,</p> + + <p>In these red, Radical, revelling, riotous times,</p> + + <p>They should be the true bard's, though mid-age + calms</p> + + <p>His revolutionary fierce rolling rhymes,</p> + + <p>Fulfilled with clamour and clangour and storm + of—psalms</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>That great lyre's golden echoes rolled away!</p> + + <p>Forth tripped another claimant of the bay.</p> + + <p>Trim, tittivated, tintinnabulant,</p> + + <p>His bosom aped the true Parnassian pant,</p> + + <p>As may a housemaid's leathern bellows mock</p> + + <p>The rock—whelmed Titan's breathings. He no + shock</p> + + <p>Of bard-like shagginess shook to the breeze.</p> + + <p>A modern Cambrian Minstrel hopes to please</p> + + <p>By undishevelled dandy-daintiness,</p> + + <p>Whether of lays or locks, of rhymes or dress.</p> + + <p>Some bards pipe from Parnassus, some from + Hermon;</p> + + <p>Room for the singer of the Sunday Sermon!</p> + + <p>His stimulant tepid tea, his theme a text,</p> + + <p>Carmarthen's cultured caroller comes next!</p> + </div> + </div> + + <h3>THE WORTH OF VERSE.</h3> + + <center> + AIR—"<i>The Birth of Verse</i>." + </center> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Wild thoughts which occupy the brain,</p> + + <p class="i2">Vague prophecies which fill the ear,</p> + + <p>Dim perturbation, precious pain,</p> + + <p class="i2">A gleam of hope, a chill of + fear,—</p> + + <p>These vex the poet's spirit. Moral:—</p> + + <p>Have a shy at the Laureate Laurel!</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Some say no definite thought there is</p> + + <p class="i2">In my full flatulence of sound.</p> + + <p>Let National Observers quiz</p> + + <p class="i2">(H-NL-Y won't have it. I'll be + bound!)</p> + + <p>Envy! <i>O trumpery, O MORRIS!</i></p> + + <p>Could JUVENAL jealous be of HORACE?</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>I know the chambers of my soul</p> + + <p class="i2">Are filled with laudatory airs,</p> + + <p>Such as the salaried bard should troll</p> + + <p class="i2">When he the Laureate laurels wears.</p> + + <p>And I am he who opened Hades,</p> + + <p>To harmless parsons and to ladies!</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>For I <i>can</i> "moralise my song"</p> + + <p class="i2">More palpably than Mr. POPE;</p> + + <p>And I can touch the toiling throng:</p> + + <p class="i2">There is small doubt of <i>that</i>, I + hope.</p> + + <p>I've piped for him who ploughs the furrows,</p> + + <p>And stood for the Carmarthen Boroughs.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>I mayn't be strong, inspired, complete,</p> + + <p class="i2">But on the Liberal goose I'm sound.</p> + + <p>And I can count my (rhythmic) feet</p> + + <p class="i2">With any Pegasus around.</p> + + <p>I witch all women, and some men,</p> + + <p>GLADSTONE I've drawn, and written "<i>Gwen</i>."</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>If these be not sufficient claims,</p> + + <p class="i2">The worth of Verse is vastly small.</p> + + <p>I've called him various pretty names,</p> + + <p class="i2">The honoured Master of us all;</p> + + <p>"His place is with the Immortals." Yes!</p> + + <p>But I could fill it <i>here</i>, I guess!</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>His "chaste white Muse" could not object,</p> + + <p class="i2">For mine is white, and awfully + chaste.</p> + + <p>Now ALGERNON has no respect</p> + + <p class="i2">For purity and public taste.</p> + + <p>EDWIN is given to allegory.</p> + + <p>Whilst ALFRED is a wicked Tory!!!</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>He ceased. Great PUNCHIUS rubbed his eagle beak.</p> + + <p>And said, "I think we'll take the rest next + week!"</p> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:70%;"> + <a href="images/183.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/183.png" + alt="Experienced Sportsman and Inexperienced Fred." /> + </a><i>Experienced Sportsman</i> (<i>on Pony</i>). + "WELL—HAD GOOD SPORT, FRED, OLD BOY?" + + <p><i>Inexperienced Fred</i>. "NOT EXACTLY + 'GOOD,'—BUT I THINK I'VE LET OFF ABOUT A HUNDRED + CARTRIDGES."</p> + + <p><i>Experienced Sportsman</i>. "NOT SO BAD. S'POSE YOU + MUST HAVE 'LET OFF' AN EQUAL NUMBER OF PARTRIDGES!"</p> + </div> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page184" + id="page184"></a>[pg 184]</span> + + <h2>IN A GHOST-SHOW.</h2> + + <blockquote> + <p><i>Warlock's "Celebrated Ghost-Exhibition and Deceptio + Visus" has pitched its tent for the night on a Village + Green, and the thrilling Drama of "Maria Martin, or, The + Murder in the Red Barn, in three long Acts, with unrivalled + Spectral Effects and Illusions," is about to begin. The + Dramatis Personæ are on the platform outside; the + venerable</i> Mr. MARTIN <i>is exhorting the crowd to step + up and witness his domestic tragedy, while the injured</i> + MARIA, <i>is taking the twopences at the door</i>; WILLIAM + CORDER <i>is finishing a pipe, and two of the Angelic + Visions are dancing, in blue velveteen and silver braid, to + the appropriate air of "The Bogie Man."</i></p> + </blockquote> + + <h3 class="sc">Inside.</h3> + + <blockquote> + <p><i>The front benches are occupied by Rustic Youths, who + beguile the tedium of waiting by smoking short clays, and + trying to pull off one another's caps.</i></p> + </blockquote> + + <div class="drama"> + <p><i>First Youth</i> (<i>examining the decorative + Shakspearian panels on the proscenium.</i>) They three old + wimmin be a-pokin' o' that old nipper, 'ooever he be.</p> + </div> + + <blockquote> + <p>[<i>The "old nipper" in question is, of course,</i> + MACBETH.</p> + </blockquote> + + <div class="drama"> + <p><i>Second Youth.</i> Luk up at that 'un tother + side—it's a Gineral's gho-ast a-frightenin' th' + undertaker (<i>A subject from "Hamlet"</i>) They've gi'en + over dancin' outside—they'll be beginning soon. + (<i>The company descend the steps, and pass behind the + scenes.</i>) We shall see proper 'ere, we shall.</p> + </div> + + <blockquote> + <p>[<i>The Curtain draws up, and reveals a small stage, + with an inclined sheet of glass in a heavy frame in front; + behind this glass is the Cottage Home of</i> MARIA + MARTIN.</p> + </blockquote> + + <div class="drama"> + <p><i>Maria</i> (<i>coming out of Cottage, and speaking in + an inaudible tone</i>). At last—WILLIAM + CORDER—to make me his wife—I know not + why—strange misgiving 'as come over me.</p> + </div> + + <div class="figright" + style="width:40%;"> + <a href="images/184.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/184.png" + alt="'They catch one another's wrists, and walk up and down together.'" /> + </a>"They catch one another's wrists, and walk up and down + together." + </div> + + <blockquote> + <p>[<i>She is unfeelingly requested to speak up.</i></p> + </blockquote> + + <div class="drama"> + <p><i>William Corder</i> (<i>whose villany is suggested at + once by his wearing a heavy silver double watch-chain, with + two coins appended, and no neck-tie—enters left</i>). + Yes, MARIA, as I have promised, I will take you to London, + and make you my wife—but first meet me in disguise + to-night, and in secret, at the Red Barn.</p> + </div> + + <blockquote> + <p>[MARIA <i>is understood to demur, but finally agrees to + the rendezvous, and retires into the Cottage.</i> Old Mr. + MARTIN <i>comes out in a black frock-coat, and a white + waistcoat—he has no neck-tie either, but the + omission, in his case, merely suggests a virtuous economy. + He feebly objects to</i> MARIA <i>being married in London, + but admits that, "Perhaps he has no right to interfere + with</i> WILLIAM's <i>arrangements," and goes indoors + again.</i> WILLIAM <i>retires, and the scene changes to a + 'very small street, which is presently invaded by a very + large Comic Countryman, called</i> "TIM," <i>who is engaged + to</i> MARIA's <i>sister</i> NANNY.</p> + </blockquote> + + <div class="drama"> + <p><i>Tim</i>. They tell I, as how the streets o' Lunnon be + paved wi' gold, and I be goin' 'oop to make ma fortune, I + be.</p> + </div> + + <blockquote> + <p>[NANNY <i>comes in and bribes him to remain by the + promise of "cold pudden with plenty of gravy." Comic + business, during which every reference to "cold pudden" + (and there are several) is received with roars of + laughter</i>. WILLIAM CORDER, <i>on the ingenious plea that + he wishes to take some flowers up to London, borrows a + spade and pickaxe from</i> TIM, <i>to whom it appears he + owes ninepence, which he promises—like the villain he + is—to repay "the very next time he sees him in + Church."</i></p> + </blockquote> + + <div class="drama"> + <p><i>William</i> (<i>going off with a flourish and a + Shakspearian couplet</i>).</p> + + <p class="i4">My <i>mind's</i> made up. Hence <i>all</i> + thoughts <i>that</i> are good!</p> + + <p class="i4">Crimes <i>once</i> commenced, <i>Must</i>. + End in—blood! [<i>Act drop.</i></p> + </div> + + <div class="drama"> + <p><i>A Female Spect.</i> They don't seem in no 'urry to + come to th' Gho-ast part, seemin'ly.</p> + + <p><i>Her Swain.</i> Ye wudn't have 'em do th' Gho-ast + afoor th' Murder, wud ye?</p> + </div> + + <blockquote> + <p>ACT II.—<i>The interior of the Red Barn</i>. + WILLIAM <i>discovered digging</i> MARIA's <i>grave in his + shirt-sleeves, and thereby revealing that his shirt-front + is as false as his heart. He announces that "Nothing can + shake him, now, from his pre-determined purpose," and that + "the grave gapes for its coming victim."</i></p> + + <p><i>Enter</i> MARIA, <i>disguised in a brown bowler hat + and a very tight suit of tweed "dittoes," in which she + looks very like the "Male Impersonator" at a Music-hall. + The Audience receive her with derision and the + recommendation to go and get her hair cut.</i></p> + </blockquote> + + <div class="drama"> + <p><i>Maria</i>. Here am I in disguise at the Red Barn. And + yet something seems to whisper to me that danger is near. + WILLIAM, where, <i>where</i> are you?</p> + + <p><i>William</i> (<i>coming out of a corner</i>). 'Ere, + MARIA, 'ere! (<i>Aside.</i>) Now to 'url my victim to an + early grave! (<i>Aloud.</i>) 'Ave you obeyed my + instructions and avoided notice?</p> + + <p><i>Maria</i>. I have. Whenever I saw anyone approaching, + I hid behind a hedge and ducked in the ditch.</p> + + <p><i>William</i> (<i>with sombre approval</i>). That was + most discreet on your part, MARIA. No one saw you come in, + and no one will ever see you go out. Be'old your open + grave!</p> + </div> + + <blockquote> + <p>[<i>After some pleading from</i> MARIA, <i>a desperate + struggle takes place—that is, they catch one + another's wrists, and walk up and down together.</i> MARIA + <i>calls upon her Mother's spirit, whereupon a very + youthful Angel is seen floating above the couple.</i></p> + </blockquote> + + <div class="drama"> + <p><i>The Female S.</i> (<i>triumphantly</i>). Theer + now—theer ain't bin no murder yet, and theer's th' + Gho-ast sure enough!</p> + + <p><i>Swain</i> (<i>who is not going to own that he is + mistaken</i>). That ain't naw Gho-ast!</p> + + <p><i>Female S.</i> What is it, then?</p> + + <p><i>Swain.</i> Why, it's the "De-cep-ti-o Vissus," as was + wrote up outside.</p> + </div> + + <blockquote> + <p>[<i>The Guardian Angel vanishes;</i> WILLIAM <i>gets a + spade, and aims at</i> MARIA, <i>who takes it away, and + strikes him; he is then reduced to the pick-axe, but she + wrests this from him too, and hits him in the face with it. + He pulls her coat off, and her hair down—but she + escapes from him a third time—on which he snatches up + a pistol, and fires it.</i></p> + </blockquote> + + <div class="drama"> + <p><i>William</i> (<i>with unreasonable surprise</i>). + Great Evans! What 'ave I done? I, am become a + <i>Murderer</i>! The shot 'as taken effect! See, she + staggers this way! (<i>Which</i> MARIA <i>does, to die + comfortably in</i> WILLIAM's <i>arms</i>.) I 'ave slain the + only woman who ever truly loved me; and I know not whether + I loved her most while living, or hate her most now she's + dead! (<i>The Curtain falls, leaving</i> WILLIAM <i>with + this nice point still unsolved, and the Audience profoundly + unmoved by the tragedy, and evidently longing for more of + the Comic Countryman.</i>)</p> + </div> + + <blockquote> + <p>ACT III.—<i>Interior of</i> Old MARTIN's + <i>Cottage. He attempts to forget his anxiety about his + daughter—who he fears, with only too much reason, has + come to an untimely end—by going to sleep in a highly + uncomfortable position on a kitchen-chair. The Murder is + re-enacted in a vision, in dumb-show. The form of</i> MARIA + <i>appears in the tweed suit, and urges him to search for + her remains in the Red Barn.</i></p> + </blockquote> + + <div class="drama"> + <p><i>Old Martin</i> (<i>awaking</i>). I have 'ad a fearful + dream, and I am under the impression that MARIA has been + foully murdered in the Red Barn.</p> + </div> + + <blockquote> + <p>[<i>He calls the Comic Countryman to help him "to + commence a thorough investigation"—which he does, in + a spirit of rollicking fun befitting the occasion, as the + Scene changes to the Red Barn.</i></p> + </blockquote> + + <div class="drama"> + <p><i>Old M.</i> (<i>finding the spade</i>). What's this? A + spade—and, by its appearance, it 'as recently been + used, for there are marks of blood upon it! I now begin to + be afraid my dream will come true.</p> + </div> + + <blockquote> + <p>[<i>Roars of laughter when the Comic C. discovers the + body, and implores it to "say summat!" Change of Scene.</i> + WILLIAM CORDER <i>discovered At Home, in a long perspective + of pillars and curtains, ending in a lawn and + fountain.</i></p> + </blockquote> + + <div class="drama"> + <p><i>William</i> (<i>moodily</i>). 'Tis now exactly twelve + months since MARIA MARTIN was done to death by these 'ands. + Since then, I have married a young, rich, and beautiful + wife—and yet I am not 'appy.</p> + </div> + + <blockquote> + <p>[<i>Enter</i> Old MARTIN, <i>who, by the simple method + of changing his hat and coat, has now become a Bow-street + Officer; he puts questions to</i> WILLIAM, <i>who at once + betrays himself, and</i> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page185" + id="page185"></a>[pg 185]</span> <i>has to be searched. + As a pair of pistols exactly resembling one that was + left in the Red Barn, are found in his coat-tail + pockets; his guilt is conclusively proved, and he is led + away. The next Scene shows him in the Condemned Cell, + resolving to sleep away his few remaining hours on a + kitchen-chair. He has a vision of</i> MARIA <i>in + tweeds, who exhorts him to repent</i>. Old MARTIN, + <i>who is now either the Governor of the Gaol or the + Hangman, enters to conduct him to the scaffold, and on + the way he is met—to the joy of the + Audience—by the Comic, C., who duns him for the + ninepence</i>. WILLIAM <i>shakes his head solemnly, + points to the skies, and passes on. The</i> Comic C. + <i>then goes to sleep in a chair and has a vision on his + own account, in which he beholds the apotheosis of</i> + MARIA—<i>still in the suit of dittoes—and + piloted by a couple of obviously overweighted Angels; + and also the last moments of</i> WILLIAM CORDER, <i>who, + as he stands under an enlarged "Punch" gibbet, + pronounces the following impressive farewell before + disappearing through a trap</i>.</p> + </blockquote> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Ye Youth, be warned by my Despair!</p> + + <p>Avoid bad women, false as they are fair. (<i>This is + just a little hard on poor</i> MARIA + <i>by-the-way.</i>)</p> + + <p>Be wise in time, if you would shun my fate,</p> + + <p>For oh! how wretched is the man who's wise too + late!</p> + </div> + </div> + + <blockquote> + <p>[<i>And with this the Drama comes to an end, and the</i> + Comic Countryman <i>begs the Audience to give the + performance a good word to their friends outside.</i></p> + </blockquote> + <hr /> + + <h2>BETWEEN THE ACTS; OR, THE DRAMA IN LIQUOR.</h2> + + <blockquote> + <p>SCENE—<i>Refreshment Saloon at a London Theatre. A + three-play bill forms the evening's entertainment. First + Act over. Enter</i> BROWN, JONES, <i>and</i> ROBINSON.</p> + </blockquote> + + <div class="drama"> + <p><i>Brown</i>. Well, really a very pleasant little piece. + Quite amusing. Yes; I think I will have a cup of coffee or + a glass of lemonade. Too soon after dinner for anything + stronger.</p> + + <p><i>Jones</i>. Yes, and really, after laughing so much, + one gets a thirst for what they call light refreshments. I + will have some ginger-beer.</p> + + <p><i>Robinson</i>. Well, I think I will stick to + iced-water. You know the Americans are very fond of that. + They always take it at meal-times, and really after that + capital <i>équivoque</i> one feels quite satisfied. + (<i>They are served by the Bar Attendant.</i>) That was + really very funny, where he hides behind the door when she + is not looking.</p> + </div> + + <blockquote> + <p>[<i>Laughs at the recollection.</i></p> + </blockquote> + + <div class="drama"> + <p><i>Brown</i>. And when the uncle sits down upon the + band-box and crushes the canary-cage! [<i>Chuckles.</i></p> + + <p><i>Jones</i>. Most clever. But there goes the bell, and + the Curtain will be up directly. Rather clever, I am told. + The <i>Rose of Rouen</i>—it is founded on the life of + <i>Joan of Arc</i>. I am rather fond of these historical + studies.</p> + + <p><i>Brown</i>. So am I. They are very interesting.</p> + + <p><i>Robinson</i>. Do you think so? Well, so far as I am + concerned, I prefer Melodrama. Judging from the title, + <i>The Gory Hand</i> should be uncommonly good.</p> + </div> + + <blockquote> + <p>[<i>Exeunt into Theatre. After a pause they return to + the Refreshment Room.</i></p> + </blockquote> + + <div class="drama"> + <p><i>Brown</i>. Well, it is very clever; but I confess it + beats me. (<i>To Bar Attendant.</i>) We will all take + soda-water. No, thanks, quite neat, and for these gentlemen + too.</p> + + <p><i>Jones</i>. Well, I call it a most excellent + psychological study. However, wants a clear head to + understand it. (<i>Sips his soda-water.</i>) I don't see + how she can take the flag from the Bishop, and yet want to + marry the Englishman.</p> + + <p><i>Robinson</i>. Ah, but that was before the vision. If + you think it over carefully, you will see it was natural + enough. Of course, you must allow for the spirit of the + period, and other surrounding circumstances.</p> + + <p><i>Brown</i>. Are you going to stay for <i>The Gory + Hand</i>?</p> + + <p><i>Jones</i>. Not I. I am tired of play-acting, and + think we have had enough of it.</p> + + <p><i>Robinson</i>. Well, I think I shall look in. I am + rather fond of strong scenes, and it should be good, to + judge from the programme.</p> + + <p><i>Jones</i>. Well, we will "sit out." It's rather + gruesome. Quite different from the other plays.</p> + + <p><i>Robinson</i>. Well, I don't mind horrors—in + fact, like them. There goes the bell. So I am off. Wait + until I come back.</p> + + <p><i>Brown</i>. That depends how long you are away. Ta, + ta!</p> + </div> + + <blockquote> + <p>[<i>Exit</i> ROBINSON.</p> + </blockquote> + + <div class="drama"> + <p><i>Jones</i>. Now, how a fellow can enjoy a piece like + that, I cannot understand. It is full of murders, from the + rise to the fall of the Curtain.</p> + + <p><i>Brown</i>. Yes—but ROBINSON likes that sort of + thing. You will see by-and-by how the plot will affect him. + It is rather jumpy, especially at the end, when the severed + head tells the story of the murder to the assistant + executioner. I would not see it again on any account.</p> + + <p><i>Jones</i>. No—it sent my Maiden Aunt in + hysterics. However, it has the merit of being short. + (<i>Applause.</i>) Ah, there it's over! Let's see how + ROBINSON likes it. That <i>tableau</i> at the end, of the + starving-coastguardsman expiring under the rack, is + perfectly awful! (<i>Enter</i> ROBINSON, <i>staggering + in.</i>) Why, my boy, what's the matter?</p> + + <p><i>Brown</i>. You do look scared! Have something to + drink? That will set it all to-rights!</p> + + <p><i>Robinson</i> (<i>with his eyes protruding from his + head, from horror</i>). Here, help! help! (<i>After a long + shudder.</i>) Brandy! Brandy I: Brandy!</p> + </div> + + <blockquote> + <p>[<i>At all the places at the bar there is a general + demand for alcohol.</i></p> + </blockquote> + + <div class="drama"> + <p><i>Brown</i>. Yes. IRVING was right; soda-water does + very well for SHAKSPEARE's histories, but when you come to + a piece like <i>The Bells</i>, you require supporting. + [<i>Curtain and moral.</i></p> + </div> + <hr /> + + <h2>"IN A WINTER (COVENT) GARDEN."</h2> + + <p>That indefatigable Showman, Sir DRURIOLANUS, the Invincible + Knight, commenced his Winter Operatic Season on Monday, the + Tenth, at Covent Garden, so as to be well in advance of Signor + LAGO, who may now boast of having <i>La Donna</i>, Her Most + Gracious MAJESTY, for his patron.</p> + + <p><i>Monday Night</i>.—The two RAVOGLIS in good form in + the <i>Orféo.</i> Likewise the Player of the Big Drum made more + than one big hit during the evening. "<i>Che farò</i>" was + re-demanded. "Tired of '<i>Faro</i>,'" quoth Mr. + WAGGSTAFF—"why not make it '<i>Whisto</i>,' or some other + game?" <i>Exit</i> WAGGY. The <i>Intermezzo</i> of + <i>Cavalleria Rusticana</i> of course encored enthusiastically. + "Signor CREMONNINI," quoth WAGG, returning, "is not half the + 'ninny' his name implies." And, indeed, from the moment he was + heard singing "in his ambush" (as the Irish boy in the Gallery + said of TOM HOHLER at the Dublin Theatre when he heard the + <i>Trovatore's</i> voice behind the scenes) before the rise of + the Curtain, everyone said, "This is the tenner for our + money."</p> + + <div class="figright" + style="width:50%;"> + <a href="images/185.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/185.png" + alt="OPERATIC TACTICS." /></a> + + <h4>OPERATIC TACTICS.</h4><i>Sir Druriolanus</i>. "I Say, + Bevignani, I think we've got the right pitch, eh?" + </div> + + <p><i>Tuesday</i>.—The namesake of our own GEORGE + AUGUSTUS, Mlle. ROSITA SALA, made a real hit as <i>Leonora</i> + in <i>Il Trovatore</i>. "Handsome is as handsome does," and + Mlle. SALA didn't act as "handsome" as she looked. Another + "ninny" played to-night, namely GIANNINNI, all right vocally, + but not much dramatically. "<i>Il Balen</i>" was encored when + sung by a manly baritone with the feminine name of ANNA; + <i>i.e.</i>, Signor DE ANNA. He might advantageously alter + DE-ANNA to APOLLO, that is if he could be sure of looking the + part.</p> + + <p><i>Wednesday</i>.—<i>Lohengrin</i>. MELBA as + <i>Elsa</i>. WAGGSTAFF tried to make his usual pun on the name + of <i>Ortruda</i>, but was "countered" by Young JUMPER who + protested that he had heard it before and never wanted to hear + it again. "I know what you're going to say," he exclaimed; + "it's something about '<i>aught ruder</i>!' I know!" "I've no + doubt you do," returned the defrauded WAGGY, sarcastically, + "for you're uncommonly like <i>Othello</i>, 'Rude am I in + speech'—only," added WAGGSTAFF, "<i>he</i> apologised for + it." Young JUMPER sniggered, his friends laughed, and the + incident terminated. The Chorus seemed to have become Wandering + Minstrels, so very uncertain were they.</p> + + <p>Altogether, Sir DRURIOLANUS OPERATICUS, with his successful + Drury Lane Race-course, his Provincial Theatre, his Italian + Opera, his Paper (not <i>in</i> the House, but his weekly one + out of it), his Music-of-the-Future Hall, for which a temporary + and limited licence has been granted, will—in a + general-dealer kind of way—be having a good time of it + till Pantomime Season slaps him on the back with a cheery "Here + we are again!" and then he will have another and a better time. + No doubt of Sir Gus's success, or in abbreviated proverbial + Latin, "<i>De Gus. non disputandum</i>."</p> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page186" + id="page186"></a>[pg 186]</span> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:100%;"> + <a href="images/186-1.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/186-1.png" + alt="THE HEIGHT OF EXCLUSIVENESS." /></a> + + <h3>THE HEIGHT OF EXCLUSIVENESS.</h3> + + <p><i>Miss Prunes.</i> "AH, DOCTOR, THESE HIGH SCHOOLS ARE + SADLY MIXED! BUT, UNDER <i>MY</i> CARE, I CAN ASSURE YOU + THAT YOUR LITTLE WARD WILL ASSOCIATE WITH DAUGHTERS OF + <i>GENTLEMEN ONLY</i>!"</p> + + <p><i>The Doctor.</i> "THAT, MADAM, IS TO BE SELECT INDEED; + SINCE I BELIEVE PALLAS ATHENE ALONE FULFILLED SUCH A + CONDITION."</p> + + <p class="author">[<i>For pedigree of Pallas Athene vide + Classical Dictionary—Art. "Minerva."</i></p> + </div> + <hr /> + + <h2>COLUMBUS.</h2> + + <div class="figright" + style="width:20%;"> + <a href="images/186-2.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/186-2.png" + alt="" /></a> + </div> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>COLUMBUS! We read of him every day,</p> + + <p class="i2">In books, pamphlets, magazines, + papers;</p> + + <p>Whilst Italy, Portugal, Spain, U.S.A.,</p> + + <p class="i2">Cut constant, consecutive capers.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>They started last month with reviews on the + main;</p> + + <p class="i2">On the land with processions—a + quaint row.</p> + + <p>Such the fêtes, aptly called by the French "<i>Fêtes + de Gènes</i>,"</p> + + <p class="i2"><i>Fait accompli</i>, good luck, <i>ça + nous gêne trop!</i></p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>But never say die; now Huelva goes on,</p> + + <p class="i2">New York follows, steady and sober,</p> + + <p>And Chicago makes ready for more derned, dog + gone</p> + + <p class="i2"><i>Fêtes</i> to last till, at least, next + October!</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>COLUMBUS, your search for a sort of New Cut</p> + + <p class="i2">Was meant for the best, we don't doubt + it;</p> + + <p>No harm in discovering Continents, but</p> + + <p class="i2">You might have said nothing about it.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Still, had you not found a location for clam,</p> + + <p class="i2">Canvas back, buckwheat cakes, we should + sorter</p> + + <p>Have missed the acquaintance of 'cute Uncle SAM,</p> + + <p class="i2">And his fearless, free, fragile, fair + daughter.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>COLUMBUS! The newspapers never will drop</p> + + <p class="i2">This subject; we wish, as months roll + on,</p> + + <p>Some common bacillus had put a full stop</p> + + <p class="i2">Long ago to Don CHRISTOBAL COLON!</p> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + + <h3>"ANECDOTAGE."</h3> + + <h4><i>Companion Paragraphs to Stories of the same + kind.</i></h4> + + <p>SIR WALTER SCOTT was never so well pleased as when meeting a + brother author. One day he passed by a gauger, who was so + careless in his duties that the author of <i>Waverley</i> was + able to smuggle into Edinburgh some whiskey that was supposed + never to have paid duty. On reaching Abbotsford, "the Wizard of + the North" was informed that he had met one of the greatest + poets of North Britain. "So I suspected," he replied. "It must + have been BURNS." Sir WALTER was right—it <i>was</i> + BURNS.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>PITT, the younger, and FOX were both fond of port wine, and + lost no opportunity of indulging in their favourite beverage. + Meeting at CROCKFORD's one evening, PITT (being in straitened + circumstances) proposed that they should play for a bottle of + sherry. "No," said FOX, "if I must lose, I will lose in + Claret!" and the rival Statesmen succumbed to intoxication.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>WILBERFORCE, the well-known philanthropist, was accustomed + to visit the prisons. At Newgate one day he met a well-known + forger, and asked him "What he was in for?" "For the same + reason that you are out," was the smart, but uncourteous + reply.</p> + <hr /> + + <h3>NEW REGULATIONS FOR THE ENGLISH POLICE.</h3> + + <h4>(<i>Freely Adapted from the Irish Rules.</i>)</h4> + + <div class="figright" + style="width:15%;"> + <a href="images/186-3.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/186-3.png" + alt="" /></a> + </div> + + <p>1. Constables who are required to interfere in a street-row + must have fourteen days' notice before they can be expected on + the spot of the disturbance.</p> + + <p>2. Policemen will parade the streets from 12 A.M. to 4 P.M., + but will make themselves scarce in the event of meeting a party + procession, or noticing the holding of a public + demonstration.</p> + + <p>3. Hyde Park, Trafalgar Square, and all other fashionable + trysting-places, shall be considered without the sphere of + Police influence at times of political excitement.</p> + + <p>4. Constables shall not congregate on land set apart for + workmen's gatherings, except to organise strikes amongst + themselves.</p> + + <p>5. The labours of the Police shall not commence before + sunrise, or continue after sunset; and it will be left to the + sagacity of the Public to guard their own property during the + hours that the Constables are off duty.</p> + + <p>6. In the absence of the Civil Power, it will be considered + contrary to professional etiquette for any respectable member + of the criminal classes to carry on his unimpeded vocation.</p> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page187" + id="page187"></a>[pg 187]</span> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:100%;"> + <a href="images/187.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/187.png" + alt="THE WHITE ELEPHANT." /></a> + + <h3>THE WHITE ELEPHANT.</h3>PRESENT PROPRIETOR + (<i>loq.</i>). "SEE HERE, GOVERNOR! HE'S A LIKELY-LOOKING + ANIMAL,—BUT <i>I</i> CAN'T MANAGE HIM! IF <i>YOU</i> + WON'T TAKE HIM, I MUST LET HIM GO!!" + </div> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page189" + id="page189"></a>[pg 189]</span> + + <h2>THE GREAT UNKNOWN.</h2> + + <blockquote class="note"> + <p>[The Rev. Dr. SMYTHE PALMER, of Trinity College, Dublin, + has just compiled a Book of Extracts, entitled <i>The + Perfect Gentleman</i>.]</p> + </blockquote> + + <p>A Gentleman must be liberal, not to say lavish, to servants, + porters, gamekeepers, and others, or he is "no gent." At the + same time the Perfect Gentleman is never extravagant.</p> + + <p>He must not work. At the same time he must not be an + idler.</p> + + <p>He is known by his scrupulous attention to the minutiæ of + personal appearance, while "despising all outside show."</p> + + <p>The Perfect Gentleman "never wilfully hurts anybody." No + soldier, doctor, or schoolmaster can, therefore, ever be a + P.G.</p> + + <p>He is always perfectly open and frank. He is also + sufficiently artful to conceal the fact that he considers the + person he is talking to a mixture of a snob and a + blockhead.</p> + + <p>When his favourite corn is trodden on by a weighty stranger, + he never utters any expression stronger than "Dear me!"</p> + + <p>He never loses his temper.</p> + + <p>He must know how to treat everyone according to their rank + and situation in life, but show special courtesy to those who + are his inferiors.</p> + + <p>He must be well-born, although there are plenty of "Nature's + Gentlemen" in the ranks of day-labourers.</p> + + <p>He must be sufficiently wealthy to keep up a good position, + while recognising the fact that money has nothing to do with + true gentility.</p> + + <p>He should also try and remember that no such jumble of + contradictions as the Perfect Gentleman ever existed.</p> + <hr /> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:60%;"> + <a href="images/189.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/189.png" + alt="HIS BEST 'SOOT.'" /></a> + + <h3>HIS BEST "SOOT."</h3> + + <p><i>Short-tempered Gentleman in Black</i> (<i>after + violent collision with a Stonemason fresh from work</i>). + "NOW, I'LL ARSK YOU JEST TO LOOK AT THE NARSTY BEASTLY MESS + AS YOU'VE GONE AND MIDE ME IN! WHY, I'M SIMPLY SMOTHERED IN + SOME 'ORRID WHITE STUFF!! WHY DON'T YER BE MORE + CAREFUL!!!"</p> + </div> + <hr /> + + <p>EPIGRAMMATICALLY PUT.—An Asylums Board Manager wrote + to the <i>Times</i> to complain of Mr. LITTLER, M.P., Q.C.'s + charges against the Asylums and Fever Hospitals management. + "Which is right, or which is wrong," to paraphrase <i>Mr. + Mantalini's</i> words, is no business just now of ours, but the + writer of the reply to the attack, might have summed up by + saying "that to <i>him</i>, Mr. LITTLER, whatever his Christian + names might be, appeared as a <i>Be-Littler</i>."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>"MR. GLADSTONE ON RENTS IN WALES."—What the Right + Honble. Mr. G. omitted to say, when speaking on this subject, + was that "but a comparatively small rent in Wales would be + produced by Disestablishment, whenever that event should + happen, and that this would soon be mended."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>TEMPERANCE RIDDLE.—Why is a man who is thoroughly + good-natured and ever ready to oblige, likely to end as a + confirmed drunkard? Because he is always <i>willing</i>.</p> + <hr /> + + <h2>A USEFUL EXPERIENCE.</h2> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>I awoke at one in the morning,</p> + + <p class="i2">I had been two hours in bed,</p> + + <p>When—bang!—without any warning</p> + + <p class="i2">A joke came into my head.</p> + + <p>'Twas brilliant, awfully funny,</p> + + <p class="i2">It flashed through my drowsy brain,</p> + + <p>It was worth—oh, a lot of money!—</p> + + <p class="i2">I chuckled again and again.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>I thought how I might employ it,</p> + + <p class="i2">I laughed till the tears rolled down,</p> + + <p>Foreseeing how SMITH would enjoy it,</p> + + <p class="i2">And how it would tickle BROWN.</p> + + <p>I said, "I had best but hint it</p> + + <p class="i2">To <i>them</i>, or they might purloin</p> + + <p>This wonderful jest, then print it,</p> + + <p class="i2">And between them divide the coin."</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Late in the morn I awoke,—I</p> + + <p class="i2">Puzzled with all my might</p> + + <p>In vain to recall the joke I</p> + + <p class="i2">Made in the silent night.</p> + + <p>What <i>was</i> it about? No dreamer</p> + + <p class="i2">Am I! No—I think—I + frown—</p> + + <p>When next I make a screamer</p> + + <p class="i2">In bed—<i>I will write it + down</i>.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>By the side of the bed a taper</p> + + <p class="i2">Shall ever with matches be,</p> + + <p>A pencil and piece of paper,</p> + + <p class="i2">To note what occurs to me.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>Since then I have tried, but the late joke,</p> + + <p class="i2">As seen in my bedside scrawl,</p> + + <p>Is always so poor,—that the great joke,</p> + + <p class="i2"><i>I'm sure, was no joke at all!</i></p> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + + <h2>YES OR NO?</h2> + + <blockquote class="note"> + <p>["The hand-writing of well-educated Ladies is often + disgracefully illegible."—<i>A Ladies' + Journal</i>.]</p> + </blockquote> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Oh, never did lover in fable</p> + + <p class="i2">In such a predicament stand,</p> + + <p>A letter I wrote to my MABEL,</p> + + <p class="i2">To ask for her heart and her hand,</p> + + <p>With compliments worded so nicely,</p> + + <p class="i2">A lifelong devotion I swore;</p> + + <p>She's answered—and left me precisely</p> + + <p class="i8">As wise as before!</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>It is true that I begged, when inditing</p> + + <p class="i2">My note, a reply with all speed,</p> + + <p>And MABEL, to judge from the writing,</p> + + <p class="i2">Fulfilled my petition indeed!</p> + + <p>The drift of this scrawl, so erratic,</p> + + <p class="i2">I am wholly unable to guess—</p> + + <p>It may be refusal emphatic,</p> + + <p class="i8">Or can it be "Yes"?</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>"Affection" she'll feel for me "ever,"</p> + + <p class="i2">But stay—if that blot is an + "<i>n</i>"</p> + + <p>It turns it at once into "never,"</p> + + <p class="i2">Or is it a slip of the pen?</p> + + <p>Her heart will a "truant (or true?) be,"</p> + + <p class="i2">And what is the word just above?</p> + + <p>It looks like—it cannot be—"booby"!</p> + + <p class="i8">Perhaps it is "love."</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>A meeting must needs be awaited</p> + + <p class="i2">To render these mysteries plain;</p> + + <p>Perhaps in this letter she's stated</p> + + <p class="i2">She never will see me again;</p> + + <p>On one thing at least I've decided;—</p> + + <p class="i2">Should she be my partner for life,</p> + + <p>A type-writer shall be provided</p> + + <p class="i8">For the use of my wife!</p> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + + <h3>The German and Horse-trying Ride.</h3> + + <blockquote class="note"> + <p>["Most of the horses were standing, but propping + themselves up against a wall or a post."—<i>Standard, + Wednesday, October 12th</i>.]</p> + </blockquote> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Pity the sorrows of a worn-out horse,</p> + + <p class="i2">Whose trembling limbs support him 'gainst + a wall;</p> + + <p>Who asks you,—fearing future trials + worse—</p> + + <p class="i2">To kill him with a sudden + shot,—that's all.</p> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + + <p>A CORRESPONDENT signing "INNOCENTIA DOCET," wants to know if + "the Hub of the Universe" is an official appointment that can + only be held by a Mahommedan or a Mormon?</p> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page190" + id="page190"></a>[pg 190]</span> + + <h2>CONVERSATIONAL HINTS TO YOUNG SHOOTERS.</h2> + + <h4>(<i>By Mr. Punch's own Grouse in the Gun-room.</i>)</h4> + + <p>And, next, my gallant young Sportsmen, just sharpen up your + attention, and, if you have ears, prepare to lend them now. Be, + in fact, all ears. At any rate, get yourselves as near as + possible to that desirable condition, for we are going to + discuss shooting-lunches, and all that pertains to them. Think + of it! Are not some of your happiest memories, and your most + delightful anticipations, bound up with the mid-day meal, at + which the anxieties and disappointments of the morning, the + birds you missed, the birds that, though they got up in front + of you, were shot by your jealous neighbour, the wiped-eyes, + the hands torn in the thorn-bushes, at which, as I say, all + these are forgotten, when you lay aside your gun, and sit down + to your short repose. Then it is that the talker shines + supreme. All the conversation which may have been broken in + upon during the morning by the necessity for posting yourself + at the hot corner, or the grassy ride, or in the butt, or for + polishing off a right and left of partridges, can then flow + free and uninterrupted. Ah, happy moments, when the bad shot + becomes as the good, and all distinctions are levelled! How + well, how gratefully do I remember you! Still, in my waking + fancies, there rises to my nose a savoury odour, telling of + stew or hot-pot, and still the crisp succulence of the jam + tartlet has honour in my memory. Ah, <i>tempi passati, tempi + passati</i>! But away, fancy, and to our work, which is to + speak of</p> + + <h3 class="sc">Shooting-Lunches</h3> + + <p>in their relation to talk:—</p> + + <p>(1.) Be extremely careful, unless you know exactly the ways + of your host with regard to his shooting-lunch, not to express + to him before lunch any very definite opinion as to what the + best kind of lunch is. If, for instance, you rashly declare + that, for your own part, you detest a solemn + sit-down-in-a-farmhouse lunch, and that your ideal is a + sandwich, a biscuit and a nip out of a flask, and if you then + find yourself lunching off three courses at a comfortable + table, why you'll be in a bit of a hole. Consistency would + prompt you to abstain, appetite urges you to eat. What is a + poor talker to do? Obviously, he must get out somehow. Here is + a suggested method. Begin by admiring the room.</p> + + <p>"By Jove, what a jolly little room this is. It's as spick + and span as a model dairy. I wish you'd take me on as your + tenant, CHALMERS, when you've got a vacancy."</p> + + <p>CHALMERS will say, "It's not a bad little hole. Old Mrs. + NUBBLES keeps things wonderfully spruce. This is one of the + cottages I built five years ago."</p> + + <p>There's your first move. Your next is as follows. Every + rustic-cottage contains gruesome china-ornaments and + excruciating-cheap German-prints of such subjects as "<i>The + Tryst</i>" (always spelt "<i>The Trist</i>" on the German + print), "<i>The Saylor's Return," "The Warior's Dreem</i>," + "<i>Napoleon at Arcola</i>," and so forth. Point to a + china-ornament and say, "I never knew cows in this part of the + country were blue and green." Then after you've exhausted the + cow, milked her dry, so to speak, you can take a turn at the + engravings, and make a sly hit at the taste in art generated by + modern education. Hereupon, someone is dead certain to chime in + with the veteran grumble about farmers who educate their + children above their station by allowing their daughters to + learn to play the piano, and their sons to acquire the + rudiments of Latin: "Give you my word of honour, the farmers' + daughters about my uncle's place, get their dresses made by my + aunt's dressmaker, and thump out old WAGNER all day long." This + horrible picture of rural depravity will cause an animated + discussion. When it is over, you can say, "This is the very + best Irish-stew I've ever tasted. I must get your cook to give + me the receipt."</p> + + <p>"Ah, my boy," says CHALMERS, "you'll find there's nothing + like a stew out shooting."</p> + + <p>"Of course," you say, "nothing can beat it, if you've got a + nice room to eat it in, and aren't pressed for time; but, if + you've got no end of ground to cover, and not much time to do + it in, I can always manage to do myself on a scrap of anything + handy. Thanks, I don't mind if I do have a chunk of cake, and a + whitewash of sherry."</p> + + <p>Thus you have fetched a compass—I fancy the phrase is + correct—and have wiped out the memory of your + indiscretion. Of course the thing may happen the other way + round. You may have expressed a preference for solid lunches, + only to find yourself set down on a tuft of grass, with a beef + sandwich and a digestive biscuit. In that case you can begin by + declaring your delight in an open-air meal, go on to admire the + scenery, and end by expressing a certain amount of judicious + contempt for the Sybarite who cannot tear himself away from + effeminate luxuries, and the trick's done.</p> + + <p>But this subject is so great, and has so many varieties, + that we must recur to it in our next.</p> + <hr /> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:70%;"> + <a href="images/190.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/190.png" + alt="IN THE RUE DE LA PAIX." /></a> + + <h3>IN THE RUE DE LA PAIX.</h3> + + <p><i>Hairdresser</i>. "SAY THEN, SARE ZAT YOU ARE + RASÉ—SHAVE,—IS IT THAT I SHALL CUT YOU OFF YOUR + 'AIR?"</p> + + <p><i>Mr. Brown</i> (<i>an old-fashioned Englishman, on his + first Visit to Paris—startled</i>). "HEY! WHAT! CUT + MY HAIR OFF! NONG, MOSSOO—COMPRENNY?—NONG! DO + YOU THINK I WANT TO LOOK LIKE ONE OF YOUR FRENCH + POODLES?"</p> + </div> + <hr /> + + <h3>TO OUR GUERNSEY CORRESPONDENTS.</h3> + + <p>MR. PUNCH is sorry to find that his fancy sketch of a + Guernsey Car drive has been taken so seriously in some quarters + as to give pain and offence which were very far from being + intended. He begs to assure the honourable fraternity of + Car-proprietors and drivers in the island, that he did + <i>not</i> mean to suggest for a moment that there was the + slightest real danger to the public who patronise those highly + popular and excellently-conducted vehicles, or that any actual + driver was either intemperate or incompetent; and that, should + such an impression have been unfortunately produced—which + he hopes is impossible—no one would regret so unjust an + aspersion more sincerely than <i>Mr. Punch</i> himself.</p> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page191" + id="page191"></a>[pg 191]</span> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:100%;"> + <a href="images/191.png"><img width="60%" + src="images/191.png" + alt="THE GOLFER'S DREAM." /></a> + + <h3>THE GOLFER'S DREAM.</h3> + </div> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page192" + id="page192"></a>[pg 192]</span> + + <h2>LADY GAY'S SELECTIONS.</h2> + + <p class="author"><i>Mount Street, Grosvenor Square.</i></p> + + <p>DEAR MR. PUNCH,—Your marvellous judgment in the + selection of your "staff"—(I believe that is the correct + term to use in speaking of those who write for the paper, + though as a rule a staff is <i>wooden-headed</i>, which I am + sure none of your contributors are!—I can answer for + <i>one</i>!)—has again placed you in the position envied + of all Journals, viz.,—(<i>why</i> do people put "viz.," + and not "namely"?—it <i>is</i> silly!) that of affording + "information" given by no other Journal! All of which preamble + means,—(by the way, why "pre-<i>amble</i>"?—if one + is a speedy writer, why not "pre-<i>canter</i>"?)—that + <i>Punch</i>, in the person of LADY GAY—(that <i>may</i> + seem a little mixed, but it isn't)—was the <i>only</i> + Sporting Paper which tipped the winner of the Cesarewitch!</p> + + <p>For confirmation of this I refer the sceptical to my last + week's letter, in which I stated that in dreaming of the race I + dreamt that "<i>Burnaby came to the rescue</i>"—and if + this is not giving the winner, I should like to know what is! + It is true I made <i>Brandy</i> my "verse selection," but that + would only mislead the people who go no further than the + surface (not of the brandy), as anyone who gave the matter a + moment's thought would realise that Brandy is always applied + <i>after</i> a rescue! I hear there was a "ton of money" for + the winner just before the start, but I did not see anyone + carrying it about, so I suppose it was what they call "covering + money," which, I presume, is covered over for safety, as it + would be risky to walk about a race-course with a ton of loose + money—not that I suppose anyone who goes racing would + touch it, but it <i>might</i> be lost! Anyhow, there was a ton + of money for the winner <i>after</i> the race, which his owner + <i>had</i> to take, willy-nilly, or HOBSON's choice!</p> + + <p>The pleasantest feature of the meeting, however, was the + re-appearance of H.R.H. the Prince of WALES, which was also + pleasantly marked by one of his horses winning a race! The + Public having anxiously "watched" for H.R.H., the success of + <i>The Vigil</i> was received with enthusiasm!</p> + + <p>Next week takes us to Gatwick and Sandown—(or rather + the <i>train</i> takes us—another absurd + expression)—the last day of the latter Meeting being + devoted to "Jumping Races," which is the contemptuous way some + people speak of the winter branch of our National + Sport!—forgetting that it demands the two most desirable + qualities in a horse, <i>speed and endurance</i>—whereas + the modern flat-racing has degenerated, for the most part, into + scrambles and gambles, where <i>speed</i> is the only + requisite!—but more of this anon—but <i>not</i> + anonymous, as I believe in signed articles, as the apprentice + said! (<i>Not</i> BRADFORD!)</p> + + <p>The most important race at Gatwick—(<i>delightful</i> + place to go racing—lots of room to move about + in)—is the Thousand Pound Handicap, in which race + <i>Brandy</i> is worth keeping an eye on, as she ought to beat + <i>Burnaby</i> at the difference in the weights—other + horses that might make their mark during the + week—(especially now the ground is soft)—are, + <i>Pilot, Golden Garter</i>—(<i>I</i> never was guilty of + such extravagance as that)—<i>Queen of + Navarre</i>—(<i>she</i> might have been)—<i>Meadow + Brown</i>, <i>Terror</i>, and <i>Seawall</i>, the last three in + the "Jumping Races"—and, in conclusion, the inevitable + rhythmical winner, from</p> + + <p class="author">Yours devotedly,<br /> + LADY GAY.</p> + + <h3 class="sc">Orleans Nursery Selection.</h3> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>The man who would back any other</p> + + <p class="i2">Appears but a gander to be,</p> + + <p>For the horse that all comers will smother</p> + + <p class="i2">Is certainly <i>Tanderagee</i>!</p> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:40%;"> + <a href="images/192.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/192.png" + alt="DIGNITY AND IMPUDENCE." /></a> + + <h3>DIGNITY AND IMPUDENCE.</h3>"I SAY, GUV'NER! WHEN ARE + YOU GOING TO BE TOOK DOWN FOR HALTERATIONS AND REPAIRS?" + </div> + <hr /> + + <h3>MY SEASON TICKET.</h3> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Ever against my breast,</p> + + <p>Safe in my pocket pressed,</p> + + <p>Ready at my behest,</p> + + <p class="i2">Daintily pretty</p> + + <p>Gilt-printed piece of leather,</p> + + <p>Though fair or foul the weather,</p> + + <p>Daily we go together</p> + + <p class="i2">Up to the City.</p> + + <p>Yet, as I ride at ease,</p> + + <p>Papers strewn on my knees,</p> + + <p>And I hear "Seasons, please!"</p> + + <p class="i2">Shouted in warning:</p> + + <p>Pockets I search in vain</p> + + <p>All through and through again;</p> + + <p>"Pray do not stop the train—</p> + + <p class="i2">Lost it this morning.</p> + + <p>No, I have not a card,</p> + + <p>Nor can I pay you, Guard—</p> + + <p>Truly my lot is hard,</p> + + <p class="i2">This is the reason,</p> + + <p>Now I recall to mind</p> + + <p>Changing my clothes, I find</p> + + <p>I left them all behind,—</p> + + <p class="i2">Money, cards, 'Season.'"</p> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + + <h2>WRITTEN A HUNDRED YEARS HENCE.</h2> + + <h4>(<i>From a Collection of Communications supplied by our + Prophetic Compiler.</i>)</h4> + + <p>DEAR MR. PUNCH,—Pray protect the Griffin! Those Goths + and Vandals, the Members of the Corporation of the City of + London, will remove it, unless you intervene. This beautiful + work of Art, that stands on the supposed site of the mythical + Temple Bar, is to come down. What would our ancestors say if + they were here? Would they not frown at their degenerate + descendants? Every student of history knows that this Griffin + was put up by universal consent, and considered one of the + finest works of art of the nineteenth century. As, indeed, it + was. It is full of historic memories. It was here that + WELLINGTON met NAPOLEON after Waterloo; and here, again, was + the Volunteer Movement inaugurated, when Mr. Alderman WAT + TYLER, putting himself at the head of the citizens, called for + "Three cheers for the Charter and the Anti-Corn-Law League!" + The beautiful bas-reliefs that used to represent the occasions + have disappeared, but their subjects are tenderly cherished. If + the Corporation <i>must</i> pull down something, let them + destroy the recently-erected Mansion House! but spare, oh + spare, the Griffin!</p> + + <p class="author">Yours truly,<br /> + A STUDENT OF THE LORE OF THE NINETEENTH CENTURY.</p> + + <p><i>The Palace, Brixton</i>.</p> + + <p>DEAR MR. PUNCH,—It is time for a protest! One of the + most beautiful erections of the nineteenth century (the old + South Kensington Railway Station of the District Railway) is to + be removed! Instead of the picturesque iron roof, we are to + have some abomination in stone! Can this be? It is said to be + falling to pieces under the ravages of Time. If this be really + the case, why not let it be restored? There was no more + picturesque outcome from the nineteenth century than these + pretty arrangements in metal. The last generation swept them + away by scores, by hundreds, by thousands—they did not + even spare the Brompton Boilers! Let not such a reproach be + applicable to us. We pride ourselves upon our love of Art and + veneration for the antique and the beautiful, and yet we would + pull down a building that for a century has been the admiration + of all with a soul for Art and a mind for appreciating the + sublimest efforts of genius in its highest sense! This must not + be.</p> + + <p><i>Burlington House</i>,</p> + + <p class="author">Yours truly,<br /> + A ROYAL ACADEMICIAN.</p> + + <p><i>From</i> 1 <i>to</i> 1000, <i>Piccadilly.</i></p> + + <p>DEAR MR. PUNCH,—I have had the advantage of reading + the above letters before publication, and am of opinion that + they are not one whit more nonsensical than letters about the + <i>Foudroyant</i> and the Emmanuel Hospital that were printed + early in the nineties. You may make what use you please of this + communication.</p> + + <p class="author">Yours respectfully,<br /> + THE SPIRIT OF THE PAST.</p> + + <p><i>The Earth (Branch Establishment, Mars and + Jupiter).</i></p> + <hr /> + + <p><font size="+1">☞</font> NOTICE.—Rejected + Communications or Contributions, whether MS., Printed Matter, + Drawings, or Pictures of any description, will in no case be + returned, not even when accompanied by a Stamped and Addressed + Envelope, Cover, or Wrapper. To this rule there will be no + exception.</p> + <hr class="full" /> +<p>***END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI, VOL. 103, OCTOBER 22, 1892***</p> +<p>******* This file should be named 15594-h.txt or 15594-h.zip *******</p> +<p>This and all associated files of various formats will be found in:<br /> +<a href="https://www.gutenberg.org/dirs/1/5/5/9/15594">https://www.gutenberg.org/1/5/5/9/15594</a></p> +<p>Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions +will be renamed.</p> + +<p>Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no +one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation +(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without +permission and without paying copyright royalties. Special rules, +set forth in the General Terms of Use part of this license, apply to +copying and distributing Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works to +protect the PROJECT GUTENBERG-tm concept and trademark. Project +Gutenberg is a registered trademark, and may not be used if you +charge for the eBooks, unless you receive specific permission. If you +do not charge anything for copies of this eBook, complying with the +rules is very easy. You may use this eBook for nearly any purpose +such as creation of derivative works, reports, performances and +research. They may be modified and printed and given away--you may do +practically ANYTHING with public domain eBooks. Redistribution is +subject to the trademark license, especially commercial +redistribution.</p> + + + +<pre> +*** START: FULL LICENSE *** + +THE FULL PROJECT GUTENBERG LICENSE +PLEASE READ THIS BEFORE YOU DISTRIBUTE OR USE THIS WORK + +To protect the Project Gutenberg-tm mission of promoting the free +distribution of electronic works, by using or distributing this work +(or any other work associated in any way with the phrase "Project +Gutenberg"), you agree to comply with all the terms of the Full Project +Gutenberg-tm License (available with this file or online at +<a href="https://gutenberg.org/license">https://gutenberg.org/license)</a>. + + +Section 1. General Terms of Use and Redistributing Project Gutenberg-tm +electronic works + +1.A. By reading or using any part of this Project Gutenberg-tm +electronic work, you indicate that you have read, understand, agree to +and accept all the terms of this license and intellectual property +(trademark/copyright) agreement. If you do not agree to abide by all +the terms of this agreement, you must cease using and return or destroy +all copies of Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works in your possession. +If you paid a fee for obtaining a copy of or access to a Project +Gutenberg-tm electronic work and you do not agree to be bound by the +terms of this agreement, you may obtain a refund from the person or +entity to whom you paid the fee as set forth in paragraph 1.E.8. + +1.B. "Project Gutenberg" is a registered trademark. It may only be +used on or associated in any way with an electronic work by people who +agree to be bound by the terms of this agreement. There are a few +things that you can do with most Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works +even without complying with the full terms of this agreement. See +paragraph 1.C below. There are a lot of things you can do with Project +Gutenberg-tm electronic works if you follow the terms of this agreement +and help preserve free future access to Project Gutenberg-tm electronic +works. See paragraph 1.E below. + +1.C. The Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation ("the Foundation" +or PGLAF), owns a compilation copyright in the collection of Project +Gutenberg-tm electronic works. Nearly all the individual works in the +collection are in the public domain in the United States. If an +individual work is in the public domain in the United States and you are +located in the United States, we do not claim a right to prevent you from +copying, distributing, performing, displaying or creating derivative +works based on the work as long as all references to Project Gutenberg +are removed. Of course, we hope that you will support the Project +Gutenberg-tm mission of promoting free access to electronic works by +freely sharing Project Gutenberg-tm works in compliance with the terms of +this agreement for keeping the Project Gutenberg-tm name associated with +the work. You can easily comply with the terms of this agreement by +keeping this work in the same format with its attached full Project +Gutenberg-tm License when you share it without charge with others. + +1.D. The copyright laws of the place where you are located also govern +what you can do with this work. Copyright laws in most countries are in +a constant state of change. If you are outside the United States, check +the laws of your country in addition to the terms of this agreement +before downloading, copying, displaying, performing, distributing or +creating derivative works based on this work or any other Project +Gutenberg-tm work. The Foundation makes no representations concerning +the copyright status of any work in any country outside the United +States. + +1.E. Unless you have removed all references to Project Gutenberg: + +1.E.1. The following sentence, with active links to, or other immediate +access to, the full Project Gutenberg-tm License must appear prominently +whenever any copy of a Project Gutenberg-tm work (any work on which the +phrase "Project Gutenberg" appears, or with which the phrase "Project +Gutenberg" is associated) is accessed, displayed, performed, viewed, +copied or distributed: + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + +1.E.2. If an individual Project Gutenberg-tm electronic work is derived +from the public domain (does not contain a notice indicating that it is +posted with permission of the copyright holder), the work can be copied +and distributed to anyone in the United States without paying any fees +or charges. If you are redistributing or providing access to a work +with the phrase "Project Gutenberg" associated with or appearing on the +work, you must comply either with the requirements of paragraphs 1.E.1 +through 1.E.7 or obtain permission for the use of the work and the +Project Gutenberg-tm trademark as set forth in paragraphs 1.E.8 or +1.E.9. + +1.E.3. If an individual Project Gutenberg-tm electronic work is posted +with the permission of the copyright holder, your use and distribution +must comply with both paragraphs 1.E.1 through 1.E.7 and any additional +terms imposed by the copyright holder. Additional terms will be linked +to the Project Gutenberg-tm License for all works posted with the +permission of the copyright holder found at the beginning of this work. + +1.E.4. Do not unlink or detach or remove the full Project Gutenberg-tm +License terms from this work, or any files containing a part of this +work or any other work associated with Project Gutenberg-tm. + +1.E.5. Do not copy, display, perform, distribute or redistribute this +electronic work, or any part of this electronic work, without +prominently displaying the sentence set forth in paragraph 1.E.1 with +active links or immediate access to the full terms of the Project +Gutenberg-tm License. + +1.E.6. You may convert to and distribute this work in any binary, +compressed, marked up, nonproprietary or proprietary form, including any +word processing or hypertext form. However, if you provide access to or +distribute copies of a Project Gutenberg-tm work in a format other than +"Plain Vanilla ASCII" or other format used in the official version +posted on the official Project Gutenberg-tm web site (www.gutenberg.org), +you must, at no additional cost, fee or expense to the user, provide a +copy, a means of exporting a copy, or a means of obtaining a copy upon +request, of the work in its original "Plain Vanilla ASCII" or other +form. Any alternate format must include the full Project Gutenberg-tm +License as specified in paragraph 1.E.1. + +1.E.7. Do not charge a fee for access to, viewing, displaying, +performing, copying or distributing any Project Gutenberg-tm works +unless you comply with paragraph 1.E.8 or 1.E.9. + +1.E.8. You may charge a reasonable fee for copies of or providing +access to or distributing Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works provided +that + +- You pay a royalty fee of 20% of the gross profits you derive from + the use of Project Gutenberg-tm works calculated using the method + you already use to calculate your applicable taxes. The fee is + owed to the owner of the Project Gutenberg-tm trademark, but he + has agreed to donate royalties under this paragraph to the + Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation. Royalty payments + must be paid within 60 days following each date on which you + prepare (or are legally required to prepare) your periodic tax + returns. Royalty payments should be clearly marked as such and + sent to the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation at the + address specified in Section 4, "Information about donations to + the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation." + +- You provide a full refund of any money paid by a user who notifies + you in writing (or by e-mail) within 30 days of receipt that s/he + does not agree to the terms of the full Project Gutenberg-tm + License. You must require such a user to return or + destroy all copies of the works possessed in a physical medium + and discontinue all use of and all access to other copies of + Project Gutenberg-tm works. + +- You provide, in accordance with paragraph 1.F.3, a full refund of any + money paid for a work or a replacement copy, if a defect in the + electronic work is discovered and reported to you within 90 days + of receipt of the work. + +- You comply with all other terms of this agreement for free + distribution of Project Gutenberg-tm works. + +1.E.9. If you wish to charge a fee or distribute a Project Gutenberg-tm +electronic work or group of works on different terms than are set +forth in this agreement, you must obtain permission in writing from +both the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation and Michael +Hart, the owner of the Project Gutenberg-tm trademark. Contact the +Foundation as set forth in Section 3 below. + +1.F. + +1.F.1. Project Gutenberg volunteers and employees expend considerable +effort to identify, do copyright research on, transcribe and proofread +public domain works in creating the Project Gutenberg-tm +collection. Despite these efforts, Project Gutenberg-tm electronic +works, and the medium on which they may be stored, may contain +"Defects," such as, but not limited to, incomplete, inaccurate or +corrupt data, transcription errors, a copyright or other intellectual +property infringement, a defective or damaged disk or other medium, a +computer virus, or computer codes that damage or cannot be read by +your equipment. + +1.F.2. LIMITED WARRANTY, DISCLAIMER OF DAMAGES - Except for the "Right +of Replacement or Refund" described in paragraph 1.F.3, the Project +Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation, the owner of the Project +Gutenberg-tm trademark, and any other party distributing a Project +Gutenberg-tm electronic work under this agreement, disclaim all +liability to you for damages, costs and expenses, including legal +fees. YOU AGREE THAT YOU HAVE NO REMEDIES FOR NEGLIGENCE, STRICT +LIABILITY, BREACH OF WARRANTY OR BREACH OF CONTRACT EXCEPT THOSE +PROVIDED IN PARAGRAPH F3. YOU AGREE THAT THE FOUNDATION, THE +TRADEMARK OWNER, AND ANY DISTRIBUTOR UNDER THIS AGREEMENT WILL NOT BE +LIABLE TO YOU FOR ACTUAL, DIRECT, INDIRECT, CONSEQUENTIAL, PUNITIVE OR +INCIDENTAL DAMAGES EVEN IF YOU GIVE NOTICE OF THE POSSIBILITY OF SUCH +DAMAGE. + +1.F.3. LIMITED RIGHT OF REPLACEMENT OR REFUND - If you discover a +defect in this electronic work within 90 days of receiving it, you can +receive a refund of the money (if any) you paid for it by sending a +written explanation to the person you received the work from. If you +received the work on a physical medium, you must return the medium with +your written explanation. The person or entity that provided you with +the defective work may elect to provide a replacement copy in lieu of a +refund. If you received the work electronically, the person or entity +providing it to you may choose to give you a second opportunity to +receive the work electronically in lieu of a refund. If the second copy +is also defective, you may demand a refund in writing without further +opportunities to fix the problem. + +1.F.4. Except for the limited right of replacement or refund set forth +in paragraph 1.F.3, this work is provided to you 'AS-IS,' WITH NO OTHER +WARRANTIES OF ANY KIND, EXPRESS OR IMPLIED, INCLUDING BUT NOT LIMITED TO +WARRANTIES OF MERCHANTIBILITY OR FITNESS FOR ANY PURPOSE. + +1.F.5. Some states do not allow disclaimers of certain implied +warranties or the exclusion or limitation of certain types of damages. +If any disclaimer or limitation set forth in this agreement violates the +law of the state applicable to this agreement, the agreement shall be +interpreted to make the maximum disclaimer or limitation permitted by +the applicable state law. The invalidity or unenforceability of any +provision of this agreement shall not void the remaining provisions. + +1.F.6. INDEMNITY - You agree to indemnify and hold the Foundation, the +trademark owner, any agent or employee of the Foundation, anyone +providing copies of Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works in accordance +with this agreement, and any volunteers associated with the production, +promotion and distribution of Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works, +harmless from all liability, costs and expenses, including legal fees, +that arise directly or indirectly from any of the following which you do +or cause to occur: (a) distribution of this or any Project Gutenberg-tm +work, (b) alteration, modification, or additions or deletions to any +Project Gutenberg-tm work, and (c) any Defect you cause. + + +Section 2. Information about the Mission of Project Gutenberg-tm + +Project Gutenberg-tm is synonymous with the free distribution of +electronic works in formats readable by the widest variety of computers +including obsolete, old, middle-aged and new computers. It exists +because of the efforts of hundreds of volunteers and donations from +people in all walks of life. + +Volunteers and financial support to provide volunteers with the +assistance they need, is critical to reaching Project Gutenberg-tm's +goals and ensuring that the Project Gutenberg-tm collection will +remain freely available for generations to come. In 2001, the Project +Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation was created to provide a secure +and permanent future for Project Gutenberg-tm and future generations. +To learn more about the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation +and how your efforts and donations can help, see Sections 3 and 4 +and the Foundation web page at https://www.gutenberg.org/fundraising/pglaf. + + +Section 3. Information about the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive +Foundation + +The Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation is a non profit +501(c)(3) educational corporation organized under the laws of the +state of Mississippi and granted tax exempt status by the Internal +Revenue Service. The Foundation's EIN or federal tax identification +number is 64-6221541. Contributions to the Project Gutenberg +Literary Archive Foundation are tax deductible to the full extent +permitted by U.S. federal laws and your state's laws. + +The Foundation's principal office is located at 4557 Melan Dr. S. +Fairbanks, AK, 99712., but its volunteers and employees are scattered +throughout numerous locations. Its business office is located at +809 North 1500 West, Salt Lake City, UT 84116, (801) 596-1887, email +business@pglaf.org. Email contact links and up to date contact +information can be found at the Foundation's web site and official +page at https://www.gutenberg.org/about/contact + +For additional contact information: + Dr. Gregory B. Newby + Chief Executive and Director + gbnewby@pglaf.org + +Section 4. Information about Donations to the Project Gutenberg +Literary Archive Foundation + +Project Gutenberg-tm depends upon and cannot survive without wide +spread public support and donations to carry out its mission of +increasing the number of public domain and licensed works that can be +freely distributed in machine readable form accessible by the widest +array of equipment including outdated equipment. Many small donations +($1 to $5,000) are particularly important to maintaining tax exempt +status with the IRS. + +The Foundation is committed to complying with the laws regulating +charities and charitable donations in all 50 states of the United +States. Compliance requirements are not uniform and it takes a +considerable effort, much paperwork and many fees to meet and keep up +with these requirements. We do not solicit donations in locations +where we have not received written confirmation of compliance. To +SEND DONATIONS or determine the status of compliance for any +particular state visit https://www.gutenberg.org/fundraising/pglaf + +While we cannot and do not solicit contributions from states where we +have not met the solicitation requirements, we know of no prohibition +against accepting unsolicited donations from donors in such states who +approach us with offers to donate. + +International donations are gratefully accepted, but we cannot make +any statements concerning tax treatment of donations received from +outside the United States. U.S. laws alone swamp our small staff. + +Please check the Project Gutenberg Web pages for current donation +methods and addresses. Donations are accepted in a number of other +ways including including checks, online payments and credit card +donations. To donate, please visit: +https://www.gutenberg.org/fundraising/donate + + +Section 5. General Information About Project Gutenberg-tm electronic +works. + +Professor Michael S. Hart was the originator of the Project Gutenberg-tm +concept of a library of electronic works that could be freely shared +with anyone. For thirty years, he produced and distributed Project +Gutenberg-tm eBooks with only a loose network of volunteer support. + +Project Gutenberg-tm eBooks are often created from several printed +editions, all of which are confirmed as Public Domain in the U.S. +unless a copyright notice is included. Thus, we do not necessarily +keep eBooks in compliance with any particular paper edition. + +Each eBook is in a subdirectory of the same number as the eBook's +eBook number, often in several formats including plain vanilla ASCII, +compressed (zipped), HTML and others. + +Corrected EDITIONS of our eBooks replace the old file and take over +the old filename and etext number. The replaced older file is renamed. +VERSIONS based on separate sources are treated as new eBooks receiving +new filenames and etext numbers. + +Most people start at our Web site which has the main PG search facility: + +<a href="https://www.gutenberg.org">https://www.gutenberg.org</a> + +This Web site includes information about Project Gutenberg-tm, +including how to make donations to the Project Gutenberg Literary +Archive Foundation, how to help produce our new eBooks, and how to +subscribe to our email newsletter to hear about new eBooks. + +EBooks posted prior to November 2003, with eBook numbers BELOW #10000, +are filed in directories based on their release date. If you want to +download any of these eBooks directly, rather than using the regular +search system you may utilize the following addresses and just +download by the etext year. + +<a href="https://www.gutenberg.org/dirs/etext06/">https://www.gutenberg.org/dirs/etext06/</a> + + (Or /etext 05, 04, 03, 02, 01, 00, 99, + 98, 97, 96, 95, 94, 93, 92, 92, 91 or 90) + +EBooks posted since November 2003, with etext numbers OVER #10000, are +filed in a different way. The year of a release date is no longer part +of the directory path. The path is based on the etext number (which is +identical to the filename). The path to the file is made up of single +digits corresponding to all but the last digit in the filename. For +example an eBook of filename 10234 would be found at: + +https://www.gutenberg.org/dirs/1/0/2/3/10234 + +or filename 24689 would be found at: +https://www.gutenberg.org/dirs/2/4/6/8/24689 + +An alternative method of locating eBooks: +<a href="https://www.gutenberg.org/dirs/GUTINDEX.ALL">https://www.gutenberg.org/dirs/GUTINDEX.ALL</a> + +*** END: FULL LICENSE *** +</pre> +</body> +</html> diff --git a/15594-h/images/181.png b/15594-h/images/181.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..ad47aa8 --- /dev/null +++ b/15594-h/images/181.png diff --git a/15594-h/images/182.png b/15594-h/images/182.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..bbd235e --- /dev/null +++ b/15594-h/images/182.png diff --git a/15594-h/images/183.png b/15594-h/images/183.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..5d9f18f --- /dev/null +++ b/15594-h/images/183.png diff --git a/15594-h/images/184.png b/15594-h/images/184.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..6de22d0 --- /dev/null +++ b/15594-h/images/184.png diff --git a/15594-h/images/185.png b/15594-h/images/185.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..6fe325e --- /dev/null +++ b/15594-h/images/185.png diff --git a/15594-h/images/186-1.png b/15594-h/images/186-1.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..9dd9d44 --- /dev/null +++ b/15594-h/images/186-1.png diff --git a/15594-h/images/186-2.png b/15594-h/images/186-2.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..743f772 --- /dev/null +++ b/15594-h/images/186-2.png diff --git a/15594-h/images/186-3.png b/15594-h/images/186-3.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..a34597c --- /dev/null +++ b/15594-h/images/186-3.png diff --git a/15594-h/images/187.png b/15594-h/images/187.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..6db81dd --- /dev/null +++ b/15594-h/images/187.png diff --git a/15594-h/images/189.png b/15594-h/images/189.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..1e113d7 --- /dev/null +++ b/15594-h/images/189.png diff --git a/15594-h/images/190.png b/15594-h/images/190.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..184b369 --- /dev/null +++ b/15594-h/images/190.png diff --git a/15594-h/images/191.png b/15594-h/images/191.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..f49adb6 --- /dev/null +++ b/15594-h/images/191.png diff --git a/15594-h/images/192.png b/15594-h/images/192.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..b48202f --- /dev/null +++ b/15594-h/images/192.png diff --git a/15594.txt b/15594.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..0325937 --- /dev/null +++ b/15594.txt @@ -0,0 +1,1781 @@ +The Project Gutenberg eBook, Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 103, +October 22, 1892, by Various, Edited by F. C. Burnand + + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + + + + +Title: Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 103, October 22, 1892 + + +Author: Various + +Release Date: April 9, 2005 [eBook #15594] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ISO-646-US (US-ASCII) + + +***START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI, +VOL. 103, OCTOBER 22, 1892*** + + +E-text prepared by Malcolm Farmer, William Flis, and the Project Gutenberg +Online Distributed Proofreading Team + + + +Note: Project Gutenberg also has an HTML version of this + file which includes the original illustrations. + See 15594-h.htm or 15594-h.zip: + (https://www.gutenberg.org/dirs/1/5/5/9/15594/15594-h/15594-h.htm) + or + (https://www.gutenberg.org/dirs/1/5/5/9/15594/15594-h.zip) + + + + + +PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI + +VOL. 103 + +OCTOBER 22, 1892 + + + + + + + +IN MEMORIAM. + +WILLIAM HARDWICK BRADBURY. + +BORN, DEC. 3, 1832. DIED, OCT. 13, 1892. + + Large-hearted man, most loyal friend, + Art thou too gone--too early lost? + Our comrade true, our tireless host! + Prompt to inspire, console, defend! + Gone! Hearts with grateful memories stored + Ache for thy loss round the old board. + + The well-loved board _he_ loved so well, + His pride, his care, his ceaseless thought; + To him with life-long memories fraught; + For him invested with the spell + O'er a glad present ever cast + By solemn shadows of the past. + + That past for him, indeed, was filled + With a proud spirit-retinue. + Greatness long since his guest he knew. + Whom THACKERAY's manly tones had thrilled; + Who heard keen JERROLD's sparkling speech, + And marked the genial grace of LEECH. + + What changes had he known, who sat + With our four chiefs, of each fast friend! + And must such _camaraderie_ end? + Shall friendly counsel, cordial chat, + Come nevermore again to us + From lips with kindness tremulous? + + No more shall those blue eyes ray out + Swift sympathy, or sudden mirth; + That ever mobile mouth give birth + To frolic whim, or friendly flout? + Our hearts will miss thee to the end, + Amphitryon generous, faithful friend! + + Miss thee? Alas! the void that's there + No other form may hope to fill, + For those who now with sorrow thrill + In gazing on that vacant chair; + Whither it seems he _must_ return, + For whose warm hand-clasp yet we yearn. + + Tribute to genius all may give, + Ours is the homage of the heart; + For a friend lost our tears will start, + Lost to our sight, yet who shall live, + Whilst one who knew that bold frank face + At the old board takes the old place. + + For those, his closer kin, whose home + Is darkened by the shadow grey, + What can respectful love but pray + That consolation thither come + In that most sacred soothing guise + Which natural sorrow sanctifies. + + Bereavement's anguish to assuage + Is a sore task that lies beyond + The scope of friendship or most fond + Affection's power. Yet may this page, + True witness of our love and grief, + To bowed hearts bring some scant relief! + + * * * * * + +"ANECDOTAGE." + +_COMPANION PARAGRAPH TO STORIES OF THE SAME KIND._ + +CURRAN, the celebrated Irish Patriot, was a man of intense wit and +humour. On one occasion he was discussing with RICHARD BRINSLEY +SHERIDAN the possibility of combining the interests of the two +countries under one Crown. "It is a difficult matter to arrange," +observed the brilliant author of the _School for Scandal_, "Right you +are, darlint," acquiesced CURRAN, with the least taste of a brogue. +"But where are ye to find the spalpeens for it? Ye may wake so poor a +creature as a sow, but it takes a real gintleman to raise the rint!" +Then, with a twinkle in his eyes, "But, for all that, ma cruiskeen, +I'm not meself at all at all!" + + * * * * * + +THE LAY OF A SUCCESSFUL ANGLER. + +[Illustration] + + The dainty artificial fly + Designed to catch the wily trout, + Full loud _laudabunt alii_, + And I will join, at times, no doubt, + But yet my praise, without pretence, + Is not from great experience. + + I talk as well as anyone + About the different kinds of tackle, + I praise the Gnat, the Olive Dun, + Discuss the worth of wings and hackle; + I've flies myself of each design, + No book is better filled than mine. + + But when I reach the river's side + Alone, for none of these I wish. + No victim to a foolish pride. + My object is to capture fish; + Let me confess, then, since you ask it-- + A worm it is which fills my basket! + + O brown, unlovely, wriggling worm, + On which with scorn the haughty look, + It is thy fascinating squirm + Which brings the fattest trout to book, + From thee unable to refrain, + Though flies are cast for him in vain! + + Deep gratitude to thee I feel, + And then, perhaps, it's chiefly keen, + When rival anglers view my creel, + And straightway turn a jealous green; + And, should they ask me--"What's your fly?" + "A fancy pattern," I reply! + + * * * * * + +SWORD AND PEN; + +OR, THE RIVAL COMMANDERS. + +(_EXTRACT FROM A MILITARY STORY OF THE NEAR FUTURE._) + +Captain Pipeclay was perplexed when his Company refused to obey him. +He was considered a fairly good soldier, but not up to date. He might +know his drill, he might have read his _Queen's Regulations_, but he +had vague ideas of the power of the Press. + +"You see, Sir," remonstrated his Colour-Sergeant; "if the rear rank +think they should stand fast when you give the command 'Open order!' +it is only a matter of opinion. You may be right, or you may be wrong. +Speaking for myself, I am inclined to fancy that the men are making a +mistake; but you can't always consider yourself omniscient." + +"Sergeant," returned the officer, harshly; "it is not the business of +men to argue, but to obey." + +"Pardon me again, Sir, but isn't that slightly old-fashioned? I know +that theoretically you have reason on your side; but then in these +days of the latter end of the nineteenth century, we must not he bound +too tightly to precedent." + +The Captain bit his moustache for the fourth time, and then again gave +the order. But there was no response. The Company moved not a muscle. + +"This is mutiny!" cried the officer. "I will break everyone of you. +I will put you all in the cells; and in the orderly room to-morrow +morning, we will soon see if there is such a thing as discipline." + +"Discipline!" repeated the Sergeant. "Beg your pardon, Sir, but I +don't think the men understand what you mean. The word is not to be +found in the most recent dictionaries." + +And certainly things seemed to be reaching a climax, for however much +the Commander might shout, not one of the rank and file stirred an +inch. It was at this moment that a cloaked figure approached the +parade-ground. The new-comer strode about with a bearing that +suggested one accustomed to receive obedience. + +"What is the matter?" asked the Disguised One. + +"I can't get my men to obey me," explained the Captain. "I have been +desiring them to take open order for the last ten minutes, and they +remain as they were." + +"What have they to say in their defence?" was the inquiry of the Man +in the Cloak. + +"He won't let us write to the newspapers!" was heard from the ranks. + +"Is this really so?" asked the new-comer, in a tone more of sorrow +than of anger. + +"Well, Sir," returned the Captain, "as it is a rule of the Service +that no communications shall be sent to the Press, I thought that--" + +"You had no right to think, Sir!" was the sharp reply. "Are you so +ignorant that you do not know that it is a birth-right of a true-born +Briton to air his opinions in the organs of publicity? You will allow +the men to go to their quarters at once, that they may state their +grievances on paper. They are at perfect liberty to write what they +please, and they may rest assured that their communications will +escape the grave of the waste-paper basket." + +Thus encouraged, the Company dismissed without further word of +command. + +"And who may you be?" asked the Captain, with some bitterness. "Are +you the Commander-in-Chief?" + +"I am one infinitely more powerful," was the reply. And then the +speaker threw off his disguise-cloak, and appeared in morning-dress. +"Behold in me the Editor of an influential Journal!" + +A week later the Captain had sent in his papers, and every man in the +Company he had once commanded wore the stripe of a Lance Corporal. And +thus was the power of the Press once again sufficiently vindicated. + + * * * * * + +THE BATTLE OF THE BARDS; OR, THE LISTS FOR THE LAURELS. + +[Illustration] + +PROEM. + + _Tan-ta-ra-ra-ra-ra!_ The trumpets blare! + The rival Bards, wild-eyed, with windblown hair, + And close-hugged harps, advance with fire-winged feet + For the green Laureate Laurels to compete; + The laurels vacant from the brows of him + In whose fine light all lesser lustres dim. + Tourney of Troubadours! The laurels lie + On crimson velvet cushion couched on high, + Whilst _Punch_, Lord-Warden of his country's fame, + Attends the strains to hear, the victor-bard to name. + + And first advances, as by right supreme, + With frosted locks adrift, and eyes a-dream, + With quick short footfalls, and an arm a-swing, + As to some cosmic rhythm heard to ring + From Putney to Parnassus, a brief bard. + (In stature, _not_ in song!) Though passion-scarred, + Porphyrogenitus at least he looks; + Haughty as one who rivalry scarce brooks; + Unreminiscent now of youthful rage, + Almost "respectable," and well-nigh sage, + Dame GRUNDY owns her once redoubted foe, + Whose polished paganry's erotic flow, + And red anarchic wrath 'gainst priests, and kings, + The virtues, and most other "proper" things, + Once drew her frown where now her smile's bestowed. + Such is the power of timely palinode! + Soft twanged his lyre and loud his voice outrang, + As the first Bard this moving measure sang:-- + +ON THE BAYS. + +(_To the tune--more or less--of "In the Bay."_) + +I. + + Beyond the bellowing onset of base war, + Their latest wearer wendeth! With wild zest. + Fulfilled of windy resonance, the rest + Of the bard-mob must hotly joust and jar + To win the wreath that he beyond the bar + Bare not away athwart the bland sea's breast. + +II. + + And sooth the soft sheen of that deathless bay + Gleams glamorous! Amorous was I in my day, + Clamorous were Gath's goose-critics. But my fire, + Chastened from To-phet-fumes, burns purer, higher; + My thoughts on courtier-wings _might_ make their way + Did my brow bear the laurels all these desire. + +III. + + For I, to the proprieties reconciled. + Who hymned Dolores, sing the "weanling child." + At "home-made treacle" I made mocking mirth; + That was before my better self had birth. + At virtue's lilies and languors then I smiled, + But Hertha's _not_ thine only goddess, O Earth! + +IV. + + For surely brother, and master, and lord, and king, + Though vice's roses and raptures did not spring + In thy poetic garden's trim parterre; + Though thou wert fond of sunshine and sweet air, + More than of kisses, that burn, and bite, and sting; + Some living love our England for thee bare. + +V. + + Thou, too, couldst sing about her sweet salt sea, + And trumpet paeans loud to Liberty, + With clamour of all applausive throats. Thy feet, + Not wine-press red, yet left the flowers more sweet, + From the pure passage of the god to be; + And then couldst thunder praises of England's Fleet. + +VI. + + I did not think to glorify gods and kings, + Who scourged them ever with hate's sanguineous rods; + But who with hope and faith may live at odds? + And then these jingling jays with plume-plucked wings, + Compete, and laureate laurels _are_ lovely things, + Though crowing lyric lauders of kings and gods! + + Beshrew the blatant bleating of sheep-voiced mimes! + True thunder shall strike dumb their chirping chimes. + If there _be_ laureate laurels, or bays, or palms, + In these red, Radical, revelling, riotous times, + They should be the true bard's, though mid-age calms + His revolutionary fierce rolling rhymes, + Fulfilled with clamour and clangour and storm of--psalms + + That great lyre's golden echoes rolled away! + Forth tripped another claimant of the bay. + Trim, tittivated, tintinnabulant, + His bosom aped the true Parnassian pant, + As may a housemaid's leathern bellows mock + The rock--whelmed Titan's breathings. He no shock + Of bard-like shagginess shook to the breeze. + A modern Cambrian Minstrel hopes to please + By undishevelled dandy-daintiness, + Whether of lays or locks, of rhymes or dress. + Some bards pipe from Parnassus, some from Hermon; + Room for the singer of the Sunday Sermon! + His stimulant tepid tea, his theme a text, + Carmarthen's cultured caroller comes next! + +THE WORTH OF VERSE. + +AIR--"_The Birth of Verse_." + + Wild thoughts which occupy the brain, + Vague prophecies which fill the ear, + Dim perturbation, precious pain, + A gleam of hope, a chill of fear,-- + These vex the poet's spirit. Moral:-- + Have a shy at the Laureate Laurel! + + Some say no definite thought there is + In my full flatulence of sound. + Let National Observers quiz + (H-NL-Y won't have it. I'll be bound!) + Envy! _O trumpery, O MORRIS!_ + Could JUVENAL jealous be of HORACE? + + I know the chambers of my soul + Are filled with laudatory airs, + Such as the salaried bard should troll + When he the Laureate laurels wears. + And I am he who opened Hades, + To harmless parsons and to ladies! + + For I _can_ "moralise my song" + More palpably than Mr. POPE; + And I can touch the toiling throng: + There is small doubt of _that_, I hope. + I've piped for him who ploughs the furrows, + And stood for the Carmarthen Boroughs. + + I mayn't be strong, inspired, complete, + But on the Liberal goose I'm sound. + And I can count my (rhythmic) feet + With any Pegasus around. + I witch all women, and some men, + GLADSTONE I've drawn, and written "_Gwen_." + + If these be not sufficient claims, + The worth of Verse is vastly small. + I've called him various pretty names, + The honoured Master of us all; + "His place is with the Immortals." Yes! + But I could fill it _here_, I guess! + + His "chaste white Muse" could not object, + For mine is white, and awfully chaste. + Now ALGERNON has no respect + For purity and public taste. + EDWIN is given to allegory. + Whilst ALFRED is a wicked Tory!!! + + He ceased. Great PUNCHIUS rubbed his eagle beak. + And said, "I think we'll take the rest next week!" + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Experienced Sportsman_ (_on Pony_). "WELL--HAD GOOD +SPORT, FRED, OLD BOY?" + +_Inexperienced Fred_. "NOT EXACTLY 'GOOD,'--BUT I THINK I'VE LET OFF +ABOUT A HUNDRED CARTRIDGES." + +_Experienced Sportsman_. "NOT SO BAD. S'POSE YOU MUST HAVE 'LET OFF' +AN EQUAL NUMBER OF PARTRIDGES!"] + + * * * * * + +IN A GHOST-SHOW. + + _Warlock's "Celebrated Ghost-Exhibition and Deceptio Visus" + has pitched its tent for the night on a Village Green, and the + thrilling Drama of "Maria Martin, or, The Murder in the Red + Barn, in three long Acts, with unrivalled Spectral Effects and + Illusions," is about to begin. The Dramatis Personae are on the + platform outside; the venerable Mr. MARTIN is exhorting the + crowd to step up and witness his domestic tragedy, while the + injured MARIA, is taking the twopences at the door; WILLIAM + CORDER is finishing a pipe, and two of the Angelic Visions + are dancing, in blue velveteen and silver braid, to the + appropriate air of "The Bogie Man."_ + +INSIDE. + + _The front benches are occupied by Rustic Youths, who beguile + the tedium of waiting by smoking short clays, and trying to + pull off one another's caps._ + +_First Youth_ (_examining the decorative Shakspearian panels on the +proscenium._) They three old wimmin be a-pokin' o' that old nipper, +'ooever he be. + + [_The "old nipper" in question is, of course, MACBETH._ + +_Second Youth._ Luk up at that 'un tother side--it's a Gineral's +gho-ast a-frightenin' th' undertaker (_A subject from "Hamlet"_) +They've gi'en over dancin' outside--they'll be beginning soon. (_The +company descend the steps, and pass behind the scenes._) We shall see +proper 'ere, we shall. + + [_The Curtain draws up, and reveals a small stage, with an + inclined sheet of glass in a heavy frame in front; behind this + glass is the Cottage Home of MARIA MARTIN._ + +_Maria_ (_coming out of Cottage, and speaking in an inaudible tone_). +At last--WILLIAM CORDER--to make me his wife--I know not why--strange +misgiving 'as come over me. + +[Illustration: "They catch one another's wrists, and walk up and down +together."] + + [_She is unfeelingly requested to speak up._ + +_William Corder_ (_whose villany is suggested at once by his wearing +a heavy silver double watch-chain, with two coins appended, and no +neck-tie--enters left_). Yes, MARIA, as I have promised, I will take +you to London, and make you my wife--but first meet me in disguise +to-night, and in secret, at the Red Barn. + + [_MARIA is understood to demur, but finally agrees to the + rendezvous, and retires into the Cottage. Old Mr. MARTIN + comes out in a black frock-coat, and a white waistcoat--he + has no neck-tie either, but the omission, in his case, merely + suggests a virtuous economy. He feebly objects to MARIA + being married in London, but admits that, "Perhaps he has no + right to interfere with WILLIAM's arrangements," and goes + indoors again. WILLIAM retires, and the scene changes to a + 'very small street, which is presently invaded by a very large + Comic Countryman, called "TIM," who is engaged to MARIA's + sister NANNY._ + +_Tim_. They tell I, as how the streets o' Lunnon be paved wi' gold, +and I be goin' 'oop to make ma fortune, I be. + + [_NANNY comes in and bribes him to remain by the promise of + "cold pudden with plenty of gravy." Comic business, during + which every reference to "cold pudden" (and there are several) + is received with roars of laughter. WILLIAM CORDER, on + the ingenious plea that he wishes to take some flowers up + to London, borrows a spade and pickaxe from TIM, to whom it + appears he owes ninepence, which he promises--like the villain + he is--to repay "the very next time he sees him in Church."_ + +_William_ (_going off with a flourish and a Shakspearian couplet_). + My _mind's_ made up. Hence _all_ thoughts _that_ are good! + Crimes _once_ commenced, _Must_. End in--blood! [_Act drop._ + +_A Female Spect._ They don't seem in no 'urry to come to th' Gho-ast +part, seemin'ly. + +_Her Swain._ Ye wudn't have 'em do th' Gho-ast afoor th' Murder, wud +ye? + + ACT II.--_The interior of the Red Barn. WILLIAM _discovered + digging MARIA's grave in his shirt-sleeves, and thereby + revealing that his shirt-front is as false as his heart. + He announces that "Nothing can shake him, now, from his + pre-determined purpose," and that "the grave gapes for its + coming victim."_ + + _Enter MARIA, disguised in a brown bowler hat and a very + tight suit of tweed "dittoes," in which she looks very like + the "Male Impersonator" at a Music-hall. The Audience receive + her with derision and the recommendation to go and get her + hair cut._ + +_Maria_. Here am I in disguise at the Red Barn. And yet something +seems to whisper to me that danger is near. WILLIAM, where, _where_ +are you? + +_William_ (_coming out of a corner_). 'Ere, MARIA, 'ere! (_Aside._) +Now to 'url my victim to an early grave! (_Aloud._) 'Ave you obeyed my +instructions and avoided notice? + +_Maria_. I have. Whenever I saw anyone approaching, I hid behind a +hedge and ducked in the ditch. + +_William_ (_with sombre approval_). That was most discreet on your +part, MARIA. No one saw you come in, and no one will ever see you go +out. Be'old your open grave! + + [_After some pleading from MARIA, a desperate struggle takes + place--that is, they catch one another's wrists, and walk up + and down together. MARIA calls upon her Mother's spirit, + whereupon a very youthful Angel is seen floating above the + couple._ + +_The Female S._ (_triumphantly_). Theer now--theer ain't bin no murder +yet, and theer's th' Gho-ast sure enough! + +_Swain_ (_who is not going to own that he is mistaken_). That ain't +naw Gho-ast! + +_Female S._ What is it, then? + +_Swain._ Why, it's the "De-cep-ti-o Vissus," as was wrote up outside. + + [_The Guardian Angel vanishes; WILLIAM _gets a spade, and + aims at MARIA, who takes it away, and strikes him; he is + then reduced to the pick-axe, but she wrests this from him + too, and hits him in the face with it. He pulls her coat off, + and her hair down--but she escapes from him a third time--on + which he snatches up a pistol, and fires it._ + +_William_ (_with unreasonable surprise_). Great Evans! What 'ave I +done? I, am become a _Murderer_! The shot 'as taken effect! See, +she staggers this way! (_Which MARIA does, to die comfortably in +WILLIAM's arms_.) I 'ave slain the only woman who ever truly loved +me; and I know not whether I loved her most while living, or hate her +most now she's dead! (_The Curtain falls, leaving WILLIAM with this +nice point still unsolved, and the Audience profoundly unmoved by the +tragedy, and evidently longing for more of the Comic Countryman._) + + ACT III.--_Interior of Old MARTIN's Cottage. He attempts to + forget his anxiety about his daughter--who he fears, with + only too much reason, has come to an untimely end--by going to + sleep in a highly uncomfortable position on a kitchen-chair. + The Murder is re-enacted in a vision, in dumb-show. The form + of MARIA appears in the tweed suit, and urges him to search + for her remains in the Red Barn._ + +_Old Martin_ (_awaking_). I have 'ad a fearful dream, and I am under +the impression that MARIA has been foully murdered in the Red Barn. + + [_He calls the Comic Countryman to help him "to commence + a thorough investigation"--which he does, in a spirit of + rollicking fun befitting the occasion, as the Scene changes to + the Red Barn._ + +_Old M._ (_finding the spade_). What's this? A spade--and, by its +appearance, it 'as recently been used, for there are marks of blood +upon it! I now begin to be afraid my dream will come true. + + [_Roars of laughter when the Comic C. discovers the body, and + implores it to "say summat!" Change of Scene. WILLIAM CORDER + discovered At Home, in a long perspective of pillars and + curtains, ending in a lawn and fountain._ + +_William_ (_moodily_). 'Tis now exactly twelve months since MARIA +MARTIN was done to death by these 'ands. Since then, I have married a +young, rich, and beautiful wife--and yet I am not 'appy. + + [_Enter Old MARTIN, who, by the simple method of changing + his hat and coat, has now become a Bow-street Officer; he puts + questions to WILLIAM, who at once betrays himself, and has + to be searched. As a pair of pistols exactly resembling one + that was left in the Red Barn, are found in his coat-tail + pockets; his guilt is conclusively proved, and he is led away. + The next Scene shows him in the Condemned Cell, resolving to + sleep away his few remaining hours on a kitchen-chair. He has + a vision of MARIA in tweeds, who exhorts him to repent_. + Old MARTIN, _who is now either the Governor of the Gaol or the + Hangman, enters to conduct him to the scaffold, and on the way + he is met--to the joy of the Audience--by the Comic, C., + who duns him for the ninepence. WILLIAM shakes his head + solemnly, points to the skies, and passes on. The Comic C. + then goes to sleep in a chair and has a vision on his own + account, in which he beholds the apotheosis of MARIA--still + in the suit of dittoes--and piloted by a couple of obviously + overweighted Angels; and also the last moments of WILLIAM + CORDER, who, as he stands under an enlarged "Punch" + gibbet, pronounces the following impressive farewell before + disappearing through a trap._ + + Ye Youth, be warned by my Despair! + Avoid bad women, false as they are fair. (_This is just a little + hard on poor MARIA by-the-way._) + Be wise in time, if you would shun my fate, + For oh! how wretched is the man who's wise too late! + + [_And with this the Drama comes to an end, and the Comic + Countryman begs the Audience to give the performance a good + word to their friends outside._ + + * * * * * + +BETWEEN THE ACTS; OR, THE DRAMA IN LIQUOR. + + SCENE--_Refreshment Saloon at a London Theatre. A three-play + bill forms the evening's entertainment. First Act over. Enter + BROWN, JONES, and ROBINSON._ + +_Brown_. Well, really a very pleasant little piece. Quite amusing. +Yes; I think I will have a cup of coffee or a glass of lemonade. Too +soon after dinner for anything stronger. + +_Jones_. Yes, and really, after laughing so much, one gets a thirst +for what they call light refreshments. I will have some ginger-beer. + +_Robinson_. Well, I think I will stick to iced-water. You know the +Americans are very fond of that. They always take it at meal-times, +and really after that capital _equivoque_ one feels quite satisfied. +(_They are served by the Bar Attendant._) That was really very funny, +where he hides behind the door when she is not looking. + + [_Laughs at the recollection._ + +_Brown_. And when the uncle sits down upon the band-box and crushes +the canary-cage! [_Chuckles._ + +_Jones_. Most clever. But there goes the bell, and the Curtain will +be up directly. Rather clever, I am told. The _Rose of Rouen_--it +is founded on the life of _Joan of Arc_. I am rather fond of these +historical studies. + +_Brown_. So am I. They are very interesting. + +_Robinson_. Do you think so? Well, so far as I am concerned, I +prefer Melodrama. Judging from the title, _The Gory Hand_ should be +uncommonly good. + + [_Exeunt into Theatre. After a pause they return to the + Refreshment Room._ + +_Brown_. Well, it is very clever; but I confess it beats me. (_To Bar +Attendant._) We will all take soda-water. No, thanks, quite neat, and +for these gentlemen too. + +_Jones_. Well, I call it a most excellent psychological study. +However, wants a clear head to understand it. (_Sips his soda-water._) +I don't see how she can take the flag from the Bishop, and yet want to +marry the Englishman. + +_Robinson_. Ah, but that was before the vision. If you think it over +carefully, you will see it was natural enough. Of course, you +must allow for the spirit of the period, and other surrounding +circumstances. + +_Brown_. Are you going to stay for _The Gory Hand_? + +_Jones_. Not I. I am tired of play-acting, and think we have had +enough of it. + +_Robinson_. Well, I think I shall look in. I am rather fond of strong +scenes, and it should be good, to judge from the programme. + +_Jones_. Well, we will "sit out." It's rather gruesome. Quite +different from the other plays. + +_Robinson_. Well, I don't mind horrors--in fact, like them. There goes +the bell. So I am off. Wait until I come back. + +_Brown_. That depends how long you are away. Ta, ta! + + [_Exit ROBINSON._ + +_Jones_. Now, how a fellow can enjoy a piece like that, I cannot +understand. It is full of murders, from the rise to the fall of the +Curtain. + +_Brown_. Yes--but ROBINSON likes that sort of thing. You will see +by-and-by how the plot will affect him. It is rather jumpy, especially +at the end, when the severed head tells the story of the murder to the +assistant executioner. I would not see it again on any account. + +_Jones_. No--it sent my Maiden Aunt in hysterics. However, it has the +merit of being short. (_Applause._) Ah, there it's over! Let's see +how ROBINSON likes it. That _tableau_ at the end, of the +starving-coastguardsman expiring under the rack, is perfectly awful! +(_Enter ROBINSON, staggering in._) Why, my boy, what's the matter? + +_Brown_. You do look scared! Have something to drink? That will set it +all to-rights! + +_Robinson_ (_with his eyes protruding from his head, from horror_). +Here, help! help! (_After a long shudder._) Brandy! Brandy I: Brandy! + + [_At all the places at the bar there is a general demand for + alcohol._ + +_Brown_. Yes. IRVING was right; soda-water does very well for +SHAKSPEARE's histories, but when you come to a piece like _The Bells_, +you require supporting. [_Curtain and moral._ + + * * * * * + +"IN A WINTER (COVENT) GARDEN." + +That indefatigable Showman, Sir DRURIOLANUS, the Invincible Knight, +commenced his Winter Operatic Season on Monday, the Tenth, at Covent +Garden, so as to be well in advance of Signor LAGO, who may now boast +of having _La Donna_, Her Most Gracious MAJESTY, for his patron. + +_Monday Night_.--The two RAVOGLIS in good form in the _Orfeo._ +Likewise the Player of the Big Drum made more than one big hit during +the evening. "_Che faro_" was re-demanded. "Tired of '_Faro_,'" quoth +Mr. WAGGSTAFF--"why not make it '_Whisto_,' or some other game?" +_Exit_ WAGGY. The _Intermezzo_ of _Cavalleria Rusticana_ of course +encored enthusiastically. "Signor CREMONNINI," quoth WAGG, returning, +"is not half the 'ninny' his name implies." And, indeed, from the +moment he was heard singing "in his ambush" (as the Irish boy in the +Gallery said of TOM HOHLER at the Dublin Theatre when he heard the +_Trovatore's_ voice behind the scenes) before the rise of the Curtain, +everyone said, "This is the tenner for our money." + +[Illustration: OPERATIC TACTICS. + +_Sir Druriolanus_. "I Say, Bevignani, I think we've got the right +pitch, eh?"] + +_Tuesday_.--The namesake of our own GEORGE AUGUSTUS, Mlle. ROSITA +SALA, made a real hit as _Leonora_ in _Il Trovatore_. "Handsome is as +handsome does," and Mlle. SALA didn't act as "handsome" as she looked. +Another "ninny" played to-night, namely GIANNINNI, all right vocally, +but not much dramatically. "_Il Balen_" was encored when sung by a +manly baritone with the feminine name of ANNA; i.e., Signor DE ANNA. +He might advantageously alter DE-ANNA to APOLLO, that is if he could +be sure of looking the part. + +_Wednesday_.--_Lohengrin_. MELBA as _Elsa_. WAGGSTAFF tried to make +his usual pun on the name of _Ortruda_, but was "countered" by Young +JUMPER who protested that he had heard it before and never wanted to +hear it again. "I know what you're going to say," he exclaimed; "it's +something about '_aught ruder_!' I know!" "I've no doubt you do," +returned the defrauded WAGGY, sarcastically, "for you're uncommonly +like _Othello_, 'Rude am I in speech'--only," added WAGGSTAFF, "_he_ +apologised for it." Young JUMPER sniggered, his friends laughed, and +the incident terminated. The Chorus seemed to have become Wandering +Minstrels, so very uncertain were they. + +Altogether, Sir DRURIOLANUS OPERATICUS, with his successful Drury Lane +Race-course, his Provincial Theatre, his Italian Opera, his Paper (not +_in_ the House, but his weekly one out of it), his Music-of-the-Future +Hall, for which a temporary and limited licence has been granted, +will--in a general-dealer kind of way--be having a good time of it +till Pantomime Season slaps him on the back with a cheery "Here we are +again!" and then he will have another and a better time. No doubt of +Sir Gus's success, or in abbreviated proverbial Latin, "_De Gus. non +disputandum_." + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: THE HEIGHT OF EXCLUSIVENESS. + +_Miss Prunes._ "AH, DOCTOR, THESE HIGH SCHOOLS ARE SADLY MIXED! BUT, +UNDER _MY_ CARE, I CAN ASSURE YOU THAT YOUR LITTLE WARD WILL ASSOCIATE +WITH DAUGHTERS OF _GENTLEMEN ONLY_!" + +_The Doctor._ "THAT, MADAM, IS TO BE SELECT INDEED; SINCE I BELIEVE +PALLAS ATHENE ALONE FULFILLED SUCH A CONDITION." + +(For pedigree of Pallas Athene vide Classical Dictionary--Art. +"Minerva.")] + + * * * * * + +COLUMBUS. + +[Illustration] + + COLUMBUS! We read of him every day, + In books, pamphlets, magazines, papers; + Whilst Italy, Portugal, Spain, U.S.A., + Cut constant, consecutive capers. + + They started last month with reviews on the main; + On the land with processions--a quaint row. + Such the fetes, aptly called by the French "_Fetes de Genes_," + _Fait accompli_, good luck, _ca nous gene trop!_ + + But never say die; now Huelva goes on, + New York follows, steady and sober, + And Chicago makes ready for more derned, dog gone + _Fetes_ to last till, at least, next October! + + COLUMBUS, your search for a sort of New Cut + Was meant for the best, we don't doubt it; + No harm in discovering Continents, but + You might have said nothing about it. + + Still, had you not found a location for clam, + Canvas back, buckwheat cakes, we should sorter + Have missed the acquaintance of 'cute Uncle SAM, + And his fearless, free, fragile, fair daughter. + + COLUMBUS! The newspapers never will drop + This subject; we wish, as months roll on, + Some common bacillus had put a full stop + Long ago to Don CHRISTOBAL COLON! + + * * * * * + +"ANECDOTAGE." + +_COMPANION PARAGRAPHS TO STORIES OF THE SAME KIND._ + +SIR WALTER SCOTT was never so well pleased as when meeting a brother +author. One day he passed by a gauger, who was so careless in +his duties that the author of _Waverley_ was able to smuggle into +Edinburgh some whiskey that was supposed never to have paid duty. On +reaching Abbotsford, "the Wizard of the North" was informed that he +had met one of the greatest poets of North Britain. "So I suspected," +he replied. "It must have been BURNS." Sir WALTER was right--it _was_ +BURNS. + + * * * * * + +PITT, the younger, and FOX were both fond of port wine, and lost +no opportunity of indulging in their favourite beverage. Meeting at +CROCKFORD's one evening, PITT (being in straitened circumstances) +proposed that they should play for a bottle of sherry. "No," said +FOX, "if I must lose, I will lose in Claret!" and the rival Statesmen +succumbed to intoxication. + + * * * * * + +WILBERFORCE, the well-known philanthropist, was accustomed to visit +the prisons. At Newgate one day he met a well-known forger, and asked +him "What he was in for?" "For the same reason that you are out," was +the smart, but uncourteous reply. + + * * * * * + +NEW REGULATIONS FOR THE ENGLISH POLICE. + +(_FREELY ADAPTED FROM THE IRISH RULES._) + +[Illustration] + +1. Constables who are required to interfere in a street-row must have +fourteen days' notice before they can be expected on the spot of the +disturbance. + +2. Policemen will parade the streets from 12 A.M. to 4 P.M., but will +make themselves scarce in the event of meeting a party procession, or +noticing the holding of a public demonstration. + +3. Hyde Park, Trafalgar Square, and all other fashionable +trysting-places, shall be considered without the sphere of Police +influence at times of political excitement. + +4. Constables shall not congregate on land set apart for workmen's +gatherings, except to organise strikes amongst themselves. + +5. The labours of the Police shall not commence before sunrise, or +continue after sunset; and it will be left to the sagacity of +the Public to guard their own property during the hours that the +Constables are off duty. + +6. In the absence of the Civil Power, it will be considered contrary +to professional etiquette for any respectable member of the criminal +classes to carry on his unimpeded vocation. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: THE WHITE ELEPHANT. + +PRESENT PROPRIETOR (_loq._). "SEE HERE, GOVERNOR! HE'S A +LIKELY-LOOKING ANIMAL,--BUT _I_ CAN'T MANAGE HIM! IF _YOU_ WON'T TAKE +HIM, I MUST LET HIM GO!!"] + + * * * * * + +THE GREAT UNKNOWN. + + [The Rev. Dr. SMYTHE PALMER, of Trinity College, Dublin, + has just compiled a Book of Extracts, entitled _The Perfect + Gentleman_.] + +A Gentleman must be liberal, not to say lavish, to servants, porters, +gamekeepers, and others, or he is "no gent." At the same time the +Perfect Gentleman is never extravagant. + +He must not work. At the same time he must not be an idler. + +He is known by his scrupulous attention to the minutiae of personal +appearance, while "despising all outside show." + +The Perfect Gentleman "never wilfully hurts anybody." No soldier, +doctor, or schoolmaster can, therefore, ever be a P.G. + +He is always perfectly open and frank. He is also sufficiently artful +to conceal the fact that he considers the person he is talking to a +mixture of a snob and a blockhead. + +When his favourite corn is trodden on by a weighty stranger, he never +utters any expression stronger than "Dear me!" + +He never loses his temper. + +He must know how to treat everyone according to their rank and +situation in life, but show special courtesy to those who are his +inferiors. + +He must be well-born, although there are plenty of "Nature's +Gentlemen" in the ranks of day-labourers. + +He must be sufficiently wealthy to keep up a good position, while +recognising the fact that money has nothing to do with true gentility. + +He should also try and remember that no such jumble of contradictions +as the Perfect Gentleman ever existed. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: HIS BEST "SOOT." + +_Short-tempered Gentleman in Black_ (_after violent collision with a +Stonemason fresh from work_). "NOW, I'LL ARSK YOU JEST TO LOOK AT THE +NARSTY BEASTLY MESS AS YOU'VE GONE AND MIDE ME IN! WHY, I'M SIMPLY +SMOTHERED IN SOME 'ORRID WHITE STUFF!! WHY DON'T YER BE MORE +CAREFUL!!!"] + + * * * * * + +EPIGRAMMATICALLY PUT.--An Asylums Board Manager wrote to the _Times_ +to complain of Mr. LITTLER, M.P., Q.C.'s charges against the Asylums +and Fever Hospitals management. "Which is right, or which is wrong," +to paraphrase _Mr. Mantalini's_ words, is no business just now of +ours, but the writer of the reply to the attack, might have summed up +by saying "that to _him_, Mr. LITTLER, whatever his Christian names +might be, appeared as a _Be-Littler_." + + * * * * * + +"MR. GLADSTONE ON RENTS IN WALES."--What the Right Honble. Mr. +G. omitted to say, when speaking on this subject, was that "but +a comparatively small rent in Wales would be produced by +Disestablishment, whenever that event should happen, and that this +would soon be mended." + + * * * * * + +TEMPERANCE RIDDLE.--Why is a man who is thoroughly good-natured and +ever ready to oblige, likely to end as a confirmed drunkard? Because +he is always _willing_. + + * * * * * + +A USEFUL EXPERIENCE. + + I awoke at one in the morning, + I had been two hours in bed, + When--bang!--without any warning + A joke came into my head. + 'Twas brilliant, awfully funny, + It flashed through my drowsy brain, + It was worth--oh, a lot of money!-- + I chuckled again and again. + + I thought how I might employ it, + I laughed till the tears rolled down, + Foreseeing how SMITH would enjoy it, + And how it would tickle BROWN. + I said, "I had best but hint it + To _them_, or they might purloin + This wonderful jest, then print it, + And between them divide the coin." + + Late in the morn I awoke,--I + Puzzled with all my might + In vain to recall the joke I + Made in the silent night. + What _was_ it about? No dreamer + Am I! No--I think--I frown-- + When next I make a screamer + In bed--_I will write it down_. + + By the side of the bed a taper + Shall ever with matches be, + A pencil and piece of paper, + To note what occurs to me. + * * * * * + Since then I have tried, but the late joke, + As seen in my bedside scrawl, + Is always so poor,--that the great joke, + _I'm sure, was no joke at all!_ + + * * * * * + +YES OR NO? + + ["The hand-writing of well-educated Ladies is often + disgracefully illegible."--_A Ladies' Journal_.] + + Oh, never did lover in fable + In such a predicament stand, + A letter I wrote to my MABEL, + To ask for her heart and her hand, + With compliments worded so nicely, + A lifelong devotion I swore; + She's answered--and left me precisely + As wise as before! + + It is true that I begged, when inditing + My note, a reply with all speed, + And MABEL, to judge from the writing, + Fulfilled my petition indeed! + The drift of this scrawl, so erratic, + I am wholly unable to guess-- + It may be refusal emphatic, + Or can it be "Yes"? + + "Affection" she'll feel for me "ever," + But stay--if that blot is an "_n_" + It turns it at once into "never," + Or is it a slip of the pen? + Her heart will a "truant (or true?) be," + And what is the word just above? + It looks like--it cannot be--"booby"! + Perhaps it is "love." + + A meeting must needs be awaited + To render these mysteries plain; + Perhaps in this letter she's stated + She never will see me again; + On one thing at least I've decided;-- + Should she be my partner for life, + A type-writer shall be provided + For the use of my wife! + + * * * * * + +THE GERMAN AND HORSE-TRYING RIDE. + + ["Most of the horses were standing, but propping themselves + up against a wall or a post."--_Standard, Wednesday, October + 12th_.] + + Pity the sorrows of a worn-out horse, + Whose trembling limbs support him 'gainst a wall; + Who asks you,--fearing future trials worse-- + To kill him with a sudden shot,--that's all. + + * * * * * + +A CORRESPONDENT signing "INNOCENTIA DOCET," wants to know if "the Hub +of the Universe" is an official appointment that can only be held by a +Mahommedan or a Mormon? + + * * * * * + +CONVERSATIONAL HINTS TO YOUNG SHOOTERS. + +(_BY MR. PUNCH'S OWN GROUSE IN THE GUN-ROOM._) + +And, next, my gallant young Sportsmen, just sharpen up your attention, +and, if you have ears, prepare to lend them now. Be, in fact, +all ears. At any rate, get yourselves as near as possible to that +desirable condition, for we are going to discuss shooting-lunches, and +all that pertains to them. Think of it! Are not some of your happiest +memories, and your most delightful anticipations, bound up with +the mid-day meal, at which the anxieties and disappointments of the +morning, the birds you missed, the birds that, though they got up in +front of you, were shot by your jealous neighbour, the wiped-eyes, +the hands torn in the thorn-bushes, at which, as I say, all these +are forgotten, when you lay aside your gun, and sit down to your +short repose. Then it is that the talker shines supreme. All the +conversation which may have been broken in upon during the morning by +the necessity for posting yourself at the hot corner, or the grassy +ride, or in the butt, or for polishing off a right and left of +partridges, can then flow free and uninterrupted. Ah, happy moments, +when the bad shot becomes as the good, and all distinctions are +levelled! How well, how gratefully do I remember you! Still, in my +waking fancies, there rises to my nose a savoury odour, telling of +stew or hot-pot, and still the crisp succulence of the jam tartlet +has honour in my memory. Ah, _tempi passati, tempi passati_! But away, +fancy, and to our work, which is to speak of + +SHOOTING-LUNCHES + +in their relation to talk:-- + +(1.) Be extremely careful, unless you know exactly the ways of your +host with regard to his shooting-lunch, not to express to him before +lunch any very definite opinion as to what the best kind of lunch +is. If, for instance, you rashly declare that, for your own part, you +detest a solemn sit-down-in-a-farmhouse lunch, and that your ideal +is a sandwich, a biscuit and a nip out of a flask, and if you then +find yourself lunching off three courses at a comfortable table, why +you'll be in a bit of a hole. Consistency would prompt you to abstain, +appetite urges you to eat. What is a poor talker to do? Obviously, he +must get out somehow. Here is a suggested method. Begin by admiring +the room. + +"By Jove, what a jolly little room this is. It's as spick and span as +a model dairy. I wish you'd take me on as your tenant, CHALMERS, when +you've got a vacancy." + +CHALMERS will say, "It's not a bad little hole. Old Mrs. NUBBLES keeps +things wonderfully spruce. This is one of the cottages I built five +years ago." + +There's your first move. Your next is as follows. Every rustic-cottage +contains gruesome china-ornaments and excruciating-cheap German-prints +of such subjects as "_The Tryst_" (always spelt "_The Trist_" on +the German print), "_The Saylor's Return," "The Warior's Dreem_," +"_Napoleon at Arcola_," and so forth. Point to a china-ornament and +say, "I never knew cows in this part of the country were blue and +green." Then after you've exhausted the cow, milked her dry, so to +speak, you can take a turn at the engravings, and make a sly hit at +the taste in art generated by modern education. Hereupon, someone is +dead certain to chime in with the veteran grumble about farmers who +educate their children above their station by allowing their daughters +to learn to play the piano, and their sons to acquire the rudiments +of Latin: "Give you my word of honour, the farmers' daughters about +my uncle's place, get their dresses made by my aunt's dressmaker, and +thump out old WAGNER all day long." This horrible picture of rural +depravity will cause an animated discussion. When it is over, you can +say, "This is the very best Irish-stew I've ever tasted. I must get +your cook to give me the receipt." + +"Ah, my boy," says CHALMERS, "you'll find there's nothing like a stew +out shooting." + +"Of course," you say, "nothing can beat it, if you've got a nice room +to eat it in, and aren't pressed for time; but, if you've got no end +of ground to cover, and not much time to do it in, I can always manage +to do myself on a scrap of anything handy. Thanks, I don't mind if I +do have a chunk of cake, and a whitewash of sherry." + +Thus you have fetched a compass--I fancy the phrase is correct--and +have wiped out the memory of your indiscretion. Of course the thing +may happen the other way round. You may have expressed a preference +for solid lunches, only to find yourself set down on a tuft of grass, +with a beef sandwich and a digestive biscuit. In that case you can +begin by declaring your delight in an open-air meal, go on to admire +the scenery, and end by expressing a certain amount of judicious +contempt for the Sybarite who cannot tear himself away from effeminate +luxuries, and the trick's done. + +But this subject is so great, and has so many varieties, that we must +recur to it in our next. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: IN THE RUE DE LA PAIX. + +_Hairdresser_. "SAY THEN, SARE ZAT YOU ARE RASE--SHAVE,--IS IT THAT I +SHALL CUT YOU OFF YOUR 'AIR?" + +_Mr. Brown_ (_an old-fashioned Englishman, on his first Visit +to Paris--startled_). "HEY! WHAT! CUT MY HAIR OFF! NONG, +MOSSOO--COMPRENNY?--NONG! DO YOU THINK I WANT TO LOOK LIKE ONE OF YOUR +FRENCH POODLES?"] + + * * * * * + +TO OUR GUERNSEY CORRESPONDENTS. + +MR. PUNCH is sorry to find that his fancy sketch of a Guernsey Car +drive has been taken so seriously in some quarters as to give pain and +offence which were very far from being intended. He begs to assure the +honourable fraternity of Car-proprietors and drivers in the island, +that he did _not_ mean to suggest for a moment that there was the +slightest real danger to the public who patronise those highly popular +and excellently-conducted vehicles, or that any actual driver was +either intemperate or incompetent; and that, should such an impression +have been unfortunately produced--which he hopes is impossible--no one +would regret so unjust an aspersion more sincerely than _Mr. Punch_ +himself. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: THE GOLFER'S DREAM.] + + * * * * * + +LADY GAY'S SELECTIONS. + +_Mount Street, Grosvenor Square._ + +DEAR MR. PUNCH,--Your marvellous judgment in the selection of your +"staff"--(I believe that is the correct term to use in speaking +of those who write for the paper, though as a rule a staff is +_wooden-headed_, which I am sure none of your contributors are!--I +can answer for _one_!)--has again placed you in the position +envied of all Journals, viz.,--(_why_ do people put "viz.," and +not "namely"?--it _is_ silly!) that of affording "information" +given by no other Journal! All of which preamble means,--(by +the way, why "pre-_amble_"?--if one is a speedy writer, why not +"pre-_canter_"?)--that _Punch_, in the person of LADY GAY--(that _may_ +seem a little mixed, but it isn't)--was the _only_ Sporting Paper +which tipped the winner of the Cesarewitch! + +For confirmation of this I refer the sceptical to my last week's +letter, in which I stated that in dreaming of the race I dreamt that +"_Burnaby came to the rescue_"--and if this is not giving the winner, +I should like to know what is! It is true I made _Brandy_ my "verse +selection," but that would only mislead the people who go no further +than the surface (not of the brandy), as anyone who gave the matter a +moment's thought would realise that Brandy is always applied _after_ +a rescue! I hear there was a "ton of money" for the winner just before +the start, but I did not see anyone carrying it about, so I suppose it +was what they call "covering money," which, I presume, is covered over +for safety, as it would be risky to walk about a race-course with a +ton of loose money--not that I suppose anyone who goes racing would +touch it, but it _might_ be lost! Anyhow, there was a ton of money +for the winner _after_ the race, which his owner _had_ to take, +willy-nilly, or HOBSON's choice! + +The pleasantest feature of the meeting, however, was the re-appearance +of H.R.H. the Prince of WALES, which was also pleasantly marked by one +of his horses winning a race! The Public having anxiously "watched" +for H.R.H., the success of _The Vigil_ was received with enthusiasm! + +Next week takes us to Gatwick and Sandown--(or rather the _train_ +takes us--another absurd expression)--the last day of the latter +Meeting being devoted to "Jumping Races," which is the contemptuous +way some people speak of the winter branch of our National +Sport!--forgetting that it demands the two most desirable qualities +in a horse, _speed and endurance_--whereas the modern flat-racing +has degenerated, for the most part, into scrambles and gambles, where +_speed_ is the only requisite!--but more of this anon--but _not_ +anonymous, as I believe in signed articles, as the apprentice said! +(_Not_ BRADFORD!) + +The most important race at Gatwick--(_delightful_ place to go +racing--lots of room to move about in)--is the Thousand Pound +Handicap, in which race _Brandy_ is worth keeping an eye on, as she +ought to beat _Burnaby_ at the difference in the weights--other horses +that might make their mark during the week--(especially now the ground +is soft)--are, _Pilot, Golden Garter_--(_I_ never was guilty of +such extravagance as that)--_Queen of Navarre_--(_she_ might have +been)--_Meadow Brown_, _Terror_, and _Seawall_, the last three in the +"Jumping Races"--and, in conclusion, the inevitable rhythmical winner, +from + +Yours devotedly, LADY GAY. + +ORLEANS NURSERY SELECTION. + + The man who would back any other + Appears but a gander to be, + For the horse that all comers will smother + Is certainly _Tanderagee_! + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: DIGNITY AND IMPUDENCE. + +"I SAY, GUV'NER! WHEN ARE YOU GOING TO BE TOOK DOWN FOR HALTERATIONS +AND REPAIRS?"] + + * * * * * + +MY SEASON TICKET. + + Ever against my breast, + Safe in my pocket pressed, + Ready at my behest, + Daintily pretty + Gilt-printed piece of leather, + Though fair or foul the weather, + Daily we go together + Up to the City. + Yet, as I ride at ease, + Papers strewn on my knees, + And I hear "Seasons, please!" + Shouted in warning: + Pockets I search in vain + All through and through again; + "Pray do not stop the train-- + Lost it this morning. + No, I have not a card, + Nor can I pay you, Guard-- + Truly my lot is hard, + This is the reason, + Now I recall to mind + Changing my clothes, I find + I left them all behind,-- + Money, cards, 'Season.'" + + * * * * * + +WRITTEN A HUNDRED YEARS HENCE. + +(_FROM A COLLECTION OF COMMUNICATIONS SUPPLIED BY OUR PROPHETIC +COMPILER._) + +DEAR MR. PUNCH,--Pray protect the Griffin! Those Goths and Vandals, +the Members of the Corporation of the City of London, will remove it, +unless you intervene. This beautiful work of Art, that stands on the +supposed site of the mythical Temple Bar, is to come down. What would +our ancestors say if they were here? Would they not frown at their +degenerate descendants? Every student of history knows that this +Griffin was put up by universal consent, and considered one of the +finest works of art of the nineteenth century. As, indeed, it was. +It is full of historic memories. It was here that WELLINGTON met +NAPOLEON after Waterloo; and here, again, was the Volunteer Movement +inaugurated, when Mr. Alderman WAT TYLER, putting himself at the +head of the citizens, called for "Three cheers for the Charter and +the Anti-Corn-Law League!" The beautiful bas-reliefs that used to +represent the occasions have disappeared, but their subjects are +tenderly cherished. If the Corporation _must_ pull down something, let +them destroy the recently-erected Mansion House! but spare, oh spare, +the Griffin! + +Yours truly, A STUDENT OF THE LORE OF THE NINETEENTH CENTURY. + +_The Palace, Brixton_. + +DEAR MR. PUNCH,--It is time for a protest! One of the most beautiful +erections of the nineteenth century (the old South Kensington Railway +Station of the District Railway) is to be removed! Instead of the +picturesque iron roof, we are to have some abomination in stone! Can +this be? It is said to be falling to pieces under the ravages of Time. +If this be really the case, why not let it be restored? There was no +more picturesque outcome from the nineteenth century than these pretty +arrangements in metal. The last generation swept them away by scores, +by hundreds, by thousands--they did not even spare the Brompton +Boilers! Let not such a reproach be applicable to us. We pride +ourselves upon our love of Art and veneration for the antique and the +beautiful, and yet we would pull down a building that for a century +has been the admiration of all with a soul for Art and a mind for +appreciating the sublimest efforts of genius in its highest sense! +This must not be. + +_Burlington House_, + +Yours truly, A ROYAL ACADEMICIAN. + +_From_ 1 _to_ 1000, _Piccadilly._ + +DEAR MR. PUNCH,--I have had the advantage of reading the above letters +before publication, and am of opinion that they are not one whit +more nonsensical than letters about the _Foudroyant_ and the Emmanuel +Hospital that were printed early in the nineties. You may make what +use you please of this communication. + +Yours respectfully, THE SPIRIT OF THE PAST. + +_The Earth (Branch Establishment, Mars and Jupiter)._ + + * * * * * + +NOTICE.--Rejected Communications or Contributions, whether MS., +Printed Matter, Drawings, or Pictures of any description, will in no +case be returned, not even when accompanied by a Stamped and Addressed +Envelope, Cover, or Wrapper. To this rule there will be no exception. + + + +***END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI, VOL. +103, OCTOBER 22, 1892*** + + +******* This file should be named 15594.txt or 15594.zip ******* + + +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: +https://www.gutenberg.org/dirs/1/5/5/9/15594 + + + +Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions +will be renamed. + +Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no +one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation +(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without +permission and without paying copyright royalties. Special rules, +set forth in the General Terms of Use part of this license, apply to +copying and distributing Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works to +protect the PROJECT GUTENBERG-tm concept and trademark. Project +Gutenberg is a registered trademark, and may not be used if you +charge for the eBooks, unless you receive specific permission. If you +do not charge anything for copies of this eBook, complying with the +rules is very easy. You may use this eBook for nearly any purpose +such as creation of derivative works, reports, performances and +research. They may be modified and printed and given away--you may do +practically ANYTHING with public domain eBooks. Redistribution is +subject to the trademark license, especially commercial +redistribution. + + + +*** START: FULL LICENSE *** + +THE FULL PROJECT GUTENBERG LICENSE +PLEASE READ THIS BEFORE YOU DISTRIBUTE OR USE THIS WORK + +To protect the Project Gutenberg-tm mission of promoting the free +distribution of electronic works, by using or distributing this work +(or any other work associated in any way with the phrase "Project +Gutenberg"), you agree to comply with all the terms of the Full Project +Gutenberg-tm License (available with this file or online at +https://gutenberg.org/license). + + +Section 1. General Terms of Use and Redistributing Project Gutenberg-tm +electronic works + +1.A. By reading or using any part of this Project Gutenberg-tm +electronic work, you indicate that you have read, understand, agree to +and accept all the terms of this license and intellectual property +(trademark/copyright) agreement. If you do not agree to abide by all +the terms of this agreement, you must cease using and return or destroy +all copies of Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works in your possession. +If you paid a fee for obtaining a copy of or access to a Project +Gutenberg-tm electronic work and you do not agree to be bound by the +terms of this agreement, you may obtain a refund from the person or +entity to whom you paid the fee as set forth in paragraph 1.E.8. + +1.B. "Project Gutenberg" is a registered trademark. It may only be +used on or associated in any way with an electronic work by people who +agree to be bound by the terms of this agreement. There are a few +things that you can do with most Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works +even without complying with the full terms of this agreement. See +paragraph 1.C below. There are a lot of things you can do with Project +Gutenberg-tm electronic works if you follow the terms of this agreement +and help preserve free future access to Project Gutenberg-tm electronic +works. See paragraph 1.E below. + +1.C. The Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation ("the Foundation" +or PGLAF), owns a compilation copyright in the collection of Project +Gutenberg-tm electronic works. Nearly all the individual works in the +collection are in the public domain in the United States. If an +individual work is in the public domain in the United States and you are +located in the United States, we do not claim a right to prevent you from +copying, distributing, performing, displaying or creating derivative +works based on the work as long as all references to Project Gutenberg +are removed. Of course, we hope that you will support the Project +Gutenberg-tm mission of promoting free access to electronic works by +freely sharing Project Gutenberg-tm works in compliance with the terms of +this agreement for keeping the Project Gutenberg-tm name associated with +the work. You can easily comply with the terms of this agreement by +keeping this work in the same format with its attached full Project +Gutenberg-tm License when you share it without charge with others. + +1.D. The copyright laws of the place where you are located also govern +what you can do with this work. Copyright laws in most countries are in +a constant state of change. If you are outside the United States, check +the laws of your country in addition to the terms of this agreement +before downloading, copying, displaying, performing, distributing or +creating derivative works based on this work or any other Project +Gutenberg-tm work. The Foundation makes no representations concerning +the copyright status of any work in any country outside the United +States. + +1.E. Unless you have removed all references to Project Gutenberg: + +1.E.1. The following sentence, with active links to, or other immediate +access to, the full Project Gutenberg-tm License must appear prominently +whenever any copy of a Project Gutenberg-tm work (any work on which the +phrase "Project Gutenberg" appears, or with which the phrase "Project +Gutenberg" is associated) is accessed, displayed, performed, viewed, +copied or distributed: + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + +1.E.2. If an individual Project Gutenberg-tm electronic work is derived +from the public domain (does not contain a notice indicating that it is +posted with permission of the copyright holder), the work can be copied +and distributed to anyone in the United States without paying any fees +or charges. If you are redistributing or providing access to a work +with the phrase "Project Gutenberg" associated with or appearing on the +work, you must comply either with the requirements of paragraphs 1.E.1 +through 1.E.7 or obtain permission for the use of the work and the +Project Gutenberg-tm trademark as set forth in paragraphs 1.E.8 or +1.E.9. + +1.E.3. If an individual Project Gutenberg-tm electronic work is posted +with the permission of the copyright holder, your use and distribution +must comply with both paragraphs 1.E.1 through 1.E.7 and any additional +terms imposed by the copyright holder. Additional terms will be linked +to the Project Gutenberg-tm License for all works posted with the +permission of the copyright holder found at the beginning of this work. + +1.E.4. Do not unlink or detach or remove the full Project Gutenberg-tm +License terms from this work, or any files containing a part of this +work or any other work associated with Project Gutenberg-tm. + +1.E.5. Do not copy, display, perform, distribute or redistribute this +electronic work, or any part of this electronic work, without +prominently displaying the sentence set forth in paragraph 1.E.1 with +active links or immediate access to the full terms of the Project +Gutenberg-tm License. + +1.E.6. You may convert to and distribute this work in any binary, +compressed, marked up, nonproprietary or proprietary form, including any +word processing or hypertext form. However, if you provide access to or +distribute copies of a Project Gutenberg-tm work in a format other than +"Plain Vanilla ASCII" or other format used in the official version +posted on the official Project Gutenberg-tm web site (www.gutenberg.org), +you must, at no additional cost, fee or expense to the user, provide a +copy, a means of exporting a copy, or a means of obtaining a copy upon +request, of the work in its original "Plain Vanilla ASCII" or other +form. Any alternate format must include the full Project Gutenberg-tm +License as specified in paragraph 1.E.1. + +1.E.7. Do not charge a fee for access to, viewing, displaying, +performing, copying or distributing any Project Gutenberg-tm works +unless you comply with paragraph 1.E.8 or 1.E.9. + +1.E.8. You may charge a reasonable fee for copies of or providing +access to or distributing Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works provided +that + +- You pay a royalty fee of 20% of the gross profits you derive from + the use of Project Gutenberg-tm works calculated using the method + you already use to calculate your applicable taxes. The fee is + owed to the owner of the Project Gutenberg-tm trademark, but he + has agreed to donate royalties under this paragraph to the + Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation. Royalty payments + must be paid within 60 days following each date on which you + prepare (or are legally required to prepare) your periodic tax + returns. Royalty payments should be clearly marked as such and + sent to the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation at the + address specified in Section 4, "Information about donations to + the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation." + +- You provide a full refund of any money paid by a user who notifies + you in writing (or by e-mail) within 30 days of receipt that s/he + does not agree to the terms of the full Project Gutenberg-tm + License. You must require such a user to return or + destroy all copies of the works possessed in a physical medium + and discontinue all use of and all access to other copies of + Project Gutenberg-tm works. + +- You provide, in accordance with paragraph 1.F.3, a full refund of any + money paid for a work or a replacement copy, if a defect in the + electronic work is discovered and reported to you within 90 days + of receipt of the work. + +- You comply with all other terms of this agreement for free + distribution of Project Gutenberg-tm works. + +1.E.9. If you wish to charge a fee or distribute a Project Gutenberg-tm +electronic work or group of works on different terms than are set +forth in this agreement, you must obtain permission in writing from +both the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation and Michael +Hart, the owner of the Project Gutenberg-tm trademark. Contact the +Foundation as set forth in Section 3 below. + +1.F. + +1.F.1. Project Gutenberg volunteers and employees expend considerable +effort to identify, do copyright research on, transcribe and proofread +public domain works in creating the Project Gutenberg-tm +collection. Despite these efforts, Project Gutenberg-tm electronic +works, and the medium on which they may be stored, may contain +"Defects," such as, but not limited to, incomplete, inaccurate or +corrupt data, transcription errors, a copyright or other intellectual +property infringement, a defective or damaged disk or other medium, a +computer virus, or computer codes that damage or cannot be read by +your equipment. + +1.F.2. LIMITED WARRANTY, DISCLAIMER OF DAMAGES - Except for the "Right +of Replacement or Refund" described in paragraph 1.F.3, the Project +Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation, the owner of the Project +Gutenberg-tm trademark, and any other party distributing a Project +Gutenberg-tm electronic work under this agreement, disclaim all +liability to you for damages, costs and expenses, including legal +fees. YOU AGREE THAT YOU HAVE NO REMEDIES FOR NEGLIGENCE, STRICT +LIABILITY, BREACH OF WARRANTY OR BREACH OF CONTRACT EXCEPT THOSE +PROVIDED IN PARAGRAPH F3. YOU AGREE THAT THE FOUNDATION, THE +TRADEMARK OWNER, AND ANY DISTRIBUTOR UNDER THIS AGREEMENT WILL NOT BE +LIABLE TO YOU FOR ACTUAL, DIRECT, INDIRECT, CONSEQUENTIAL, PUNITIVE OR +INCIDENTAL DAMAGES EVEN IF YOU GIVE NOTICE OF THE POSSIBILITY OF SUCH +DAMAGE. + +1.F.3. LIMITED RIGHT OF REPLACEMENT OR REFUND - If you discover a +defect in this electronic work within 90 days of receiving it, you can +receive a refund of the money (if any) you paid for it by sending a +written explanation to the person you received the work from. If you +received the work on a physical medium, you must return the medium with +your written explanation. The person or entity that provided you with +the defective work may elect to provide a replacement copy in lieu of a +refund. If you received the work electronically, the person or entity +providing it to you may choose to give you a second opportunity to +receive the work electronically in lieu of a refund. If the second copy +is also defective, you may demand a refund in writing without further +opportunities to fix the problem. + +1.F.4. Except for the limited right of replacement or refund set forth +in paragraph 1.F.3, this work is provided to you 'AS-IS', WITH NO OTHER +WARRANTIES OF ANY KIND, EXPRESS OR IMPLIED, INCLUDING BUT NOT LIMITED TO +WARRANTIES OF MERCHANTIBILITY OR FITNESS FOR ANY PURPOSE. + +1.F.5. Some states do not allow disclaimers of certain implied +warranties or the exclusion or limitation of certain types of damages. +If any disclaimer or limitation set forth in this agreement violates the +law of the state applicable to this agreement, the agreement shall be +interpreted to make the maximum disclaimer or limitation permitted by +the applicable state law. The invalidity or unenforceability of any +provision of this agreement shall not void the remaining provisions. + +1.F.6. INDEMNITY - You agree to indemnify and hold the Foundation, the +trademark owner, any agent or employee of the Foundation, anyone +providing copies of Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works in accordance +with this agreement, and any volunteers associated with the production, +promotion and distribution of Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works, +harmless from all liability, costs and expenses, including legal fees, +that arise directly or indirectly from any of the following which you do +or cause to occur: (a) distribution of this or any Project Gutenberg-tm +work, (b) alteration, modification, or additions or deletions to any +Project Gutenberg-tm work, and (c) any Defect you cause. + + +Section 2. Information about the Mission of Project Gutenberg-tm + +Project Gutenberg-tm is synonymous with the free distribution of +electronic works in formats readable by the widest variety of computers +including obsolete, old, middle-aged and new computers. It exists +because of the efforts of hundreds of volunteers and donations from +people in all walks of life. + +Volunteers and financial support to provide volunteers with the +assistance they need, is critical to reaching Project Gutenberg-tm's +goals and ensuring that the Project Gutenberg-tm collection will +remain freely available for generations to come. In 2001, the Project +Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation was created to provide a secure +and permanent future for Project Gutenberg-tm and future generations. +To learn more about the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation +and how your efforts and donations can help, see Sections 3 and 4 +and the Foundation web page at https://www.gutenberg.org/fundraising/pglaf. + + +Section 3. Information about the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive +Foundation + +The Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation is a non profit +501(c)(3) educational corporation organized under the laws of the +state of Mississippi and granted tax exempt status by the Internal +Revenue Service. The Foundation's EIN or federal tax identification +number is 64-6221541. Contributions to the Project Gutenberg +Literary Archive Foundation are tax deductible to the full extent +permitted by U.S. federal laws and your state's laws. + +The Foundation's principal office is located at 4557 Melan Dr. S. +Fairbanks, AK, 99712., but its volunteers and employees are scattered +throughout numerous locations. Its business office is located at +809 North 1500 West, Salt Lake City, UT 84116, (801) 596-1887, email +business@pglaf.org. Email contact links and up to date contact +information can be found at the Foundation's web site and official +page at https://www.gutenberg.org/about/contact + +For additional contact information: + Dr. Gregory B. Newby + Chief Executive and Director + gbnewby@pglaf.org + +Section 4. Information about Donations to the Project Gutenberg +Literary Archive Foundation + +Project Gutenberg-tm depends upon and cannot survive without wide +spread public support and donations to carry out its mission of +increasing the number of public domain and licensed works that can be +freely distributed in machine readable form accessible by the widest +array of equipment including outdated equipment. Many small donations +($1 to $5,000) are particularly important to maintaining tax exempt +status with the IRS. + +The Foundation is committed to complying with the laws regulating +charities and charitable donations in all 50 states of the United +States. Compliance requirements are not uniform and it takes a +considerable effort, much paperwork and many fees to meet and keep up +with these requirements. We do not solicit donations in locations +where we have not received written confirmation of compliance. To +SEND DONATIONS or determine the status of compliance for any +particular state visit https://www.gutenberg.org/fundraising/donate + +While we cannot and do not solicit contributions from states where we +have not met the solicitation requirements, we know of no prohibition +against accepting unsolicited donations from donors in such states who +approach us with offers to donate. + +International donations are gratefully accepted, but we cannot make +any statements concerning tax treatment of donations received from +outside the United States. U.S. laws alone swamp our small staff. + +Please check the Project Gutenberg Web pages for current donation +methods and addresses. Donations are accepted in a number of other +ways including including checks, online payments and credit card +donations. To donate, please visit: +https://www.gutenberg.org/fundraising/donate + + +Section 5. General Information About Project Gutenberg-tm electronic +works. + +Professor Michael S. Hart was the originator of the Project Gutenberg-tm +concept of a library of electronic works that could be freely shared +with anyone. For thirty years, he produced and distributed Project +Gutenberg-tm eBooks with only a loose network of volunteer support. + +Project Gutenberg-tm eBooks are often created from several printed +editions, all of which are confirmed as Public Domain in the U.S. +unless a copyright notice is included. Thus, we do not necessarily +keep eBooks in compliance with any particular paper edition. + +Most people start at our Web site which has the main PG search facility: + + https://www.gutenberg.org + +This Web site includes information about Project Gutenberg-tm, +including how to make donations to the Project Gutenberg Literary +Archive Foundation, how to help produce our new eBooks, and how to +subscribe to our email newsletter to hear about new eBooks. + diff --git a/15594.zip b/15594.zip Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..57a5979 --- /dev/null +++ b/15594.zip diff --git a/LICENSE.txt b/LICENSE.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..6312041 --- /dev/null +++ b/LICENSE.txt @@ -0,0 +1,11 @@ +This eBook, including all associated images, markup, improvements, +metadata, and any other content or labor, has been confirmed to be +in the PUBLIC DOMAIN IN THE UNITED STATES. + +Procedures for determining public domain status are described in +the "Copyright How-To" at https://www.gutenberg.org. + +No investigation has been made concerning possible copyrights in +jurisdictions other than the United States. Anyone seeking to utilize +this eBook outside of the United States should confirm copyright +status under the laws that apply to them. diff --git a/README.md b/README.md new file mode 100644 index 0000000..c1093e7 --- /dev/null +++ b/README.md @@ -0,0 +1,2 @@ +Project Gutenberg (https://www.gutenberg.org) public repository for +eBook #15594 (https://www.gutenberg.org/ebooks/15594) |
