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| author | Roger Frank <rfrank@pglaf.org> | 2025-10-15 04:47:06 -0700 |
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| committer | Roger Frank <rfrank@pglaf.org> | 2025-10-15 04:47:06 -0700 |
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diff --git a/15585-h/15585-h.htm b/15585-h/15585-h.htm new file mode 100644 index 0000000..8dfe28e --- /dev/null +++ b/15585-h/15585-h.htm @@ -0,0 +1,9449 @@ +<!DOCTYPE html PUBLIC "-//W3C//DTD XHTML 1.0 Strict//EN" + "http://www.w3.org/TR/xhtml1/DTD/xhtml1-strict.dtd"> + +<html xmlns="http://www.w3.org/1999/xhtml"> + <head> + <meta http-equiv="Content-Type" content="text/html;charset=iso-8859-1" /> + <title> + The Project Gutenberg eBook of Humorous Masterpieces, EDITED BY EDWARD T. MASON. + </title> + <style type="text/css"> +/*<![CDATA[ XML blockout */ +<!-- + p { margin-top: .75em; + text-align: justify; + margin-bottom: .75em; + } + h1,h2,h3,h4,h5,h6 { + text-align: center; /* all headings centered */ + clear: both; + } + hr { width: 33%; + margin-top: 2em; + margin-bottom: 2em; + margin-left: auto; + margin-right: auto; + clear: both; + } + + table {margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;} + + body{margin-left: 10%; + margin-right: 10%; + } + + .linenum {position: absolute; top: auto; left: 4%;} /* poetry number */ + .blockquot{margin-left: 5%; margin-right: 10%;} + .pagenum {position: absolute; left: 92%; font-size: smaller; text-align: right;} /* page numbers */ + .sidenote {width: 20%; padding-bottom: .5em; padding-top: .5em; + padding-left: .5em; padding-right: .5em; margin-left: 1em; + float: right; clear: right; margin-top: 1em; + font-size: smaller; background: #eeeeee; border: dashed 1px;} + + .bb {border-bottom: solid 2px;} + .bl {border-left: solid 2px;} + .bt {border-top: solid 2px;} + .br {border-right: solid 2px;} + .bbox {border: solid 2px;} + + .center {text-align: center;} + .smcap {font-variant: small-caps;} + .u {text-decoration: underline;} + + .caption {font-weight: bold;} + + .figcenter {margin: auto; text-align: center;} + + .figleft {float: left; clear: left; margin-left: 0; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-top: + 1em; margin-right: 1em; padding: 0; text-align: center;} + + .figright {float: right; clear: right; margin-left: 1em; margin-bottom: 1em; + margin-top: 1em; margin-right: 0; padding: 0; text-align: center;} + + .footnotes {border: dashed 1px;} + .footnote {margin-left: 10%; margin-right: 10%; font-size: 0.9em;} + .footnote .label {position: absolute; right: 84%; text-align: right;} + .fnanchor {vertical-align: super; font-size: .8em; text-decoration: none;} + + .poem {margin-left:10%; margin-right:10%; text-align: left;} + .poem br {display: none;} + .poem .stanza {margin: 1em 0em 1em 0em;} + .poem span {display: block; margin: 0; padding-left: 3em; text-indent: -3em;} + .poem span.i2 {display: block; margin-left: 2em;} + .poem span.i4 {display: block; margin-left: 4em;} + // --> + /* XML end ]]>*/ + </style> + </head> +<body> + + +<pre> + +The Project Gutenberg EBook of Humorous Masterpieces from American +Literature, by Various + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: Humorous Masterpieces from American Literature + +Author: Various + +Release Date: April 8, 2005 [EBook #15585] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1 + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK HUMOROUS MASTERPIECES FROM *** + + + + +Produced by Alicia Williams, Josephine Paolucci and the Online +Distributed Proofreading Team. + + + + + + +</pre> + + + + + + +<h1>HUMOROUS MASTERPIECES</h1> + +<h1>FROM</h1> + +<h1>AMERICAN LITERATURE</h1> + + +<h3>EDITED BY</h3> + +<h2>EDWARD T. MASON</h2> + + +<p>NEW YORK & LONDON</p> + +<p>G.P. PUTNAM'S SONS</p> + +<p>The Knickerbocker Press</p> + +<p>1886</p> + +<p> +COPYRIGHT<br /> +G.P. PUTNAM'S SONS<br /> +1886<br /> +<br /> +<br /> +Press of<br /> +G.P. PUTNAM'S SONS<br /> +New York<br /> +</p> + + + +<hr style="width: 65%;" /> +<h2>CONTENTS.</h2> + + + +<p> +<a href="#BAYARD_TAYLOR">BAYARD TAYLOR</a><br /> +<span style="margin-left: 1em;"><a href="#SELECTIONS_FROM_THE_EXPERIENCES_OF_THE_AC">Selections from the Experiences of the A.C.</a></span><br /> +<br /> +<a href="#WILLIAM_ALLEN_BUTLER">WILLIAM ALLEN BUTLER.</a><br /> +<span style="margin-left: 1em;"><a href="#DOBBS_HIS_FERRY">Dobbs His Ferry</a></span><br /> +<br /> +<a href="#JOHN_WILLIAM_DE_FOREST">JOHN WILLIAM DE FOREST.</a><br /> +<span style="margin-left: 1em;"><a href="#FATHER_HIGGINSS_PREFERMENT">Father Higgins's Preferment</a></span><br /> +<br /> +<a href="#JOHN_TOWNSEND_TROWBRIDGE">JOHN TOWNSEND TROWBRIDGE.</a><br /> +<span style="margin-left: 1em;"><a href="#FRED_TROVERS_LITTLE_IRON_CLAD">Fred Trover's Little Iron-Clad</a></span><br /> +<br /> +<a href="#OLIVER_BELL_BUNCE">OLIVER BELL BUNCE.</a><br /> +<span style="margin-left: 1em;"><a href="#MR_BLUFF_DISCOURSES_OF_THE_COUNTRY_AND_KINDRED_THEMES">Mr. Bluff Discourses on the Country and Kindred Themes</a></span><br /> +<br /> +<a href="#CHARLES_DUDLEY_WARNER">CHARLES DUDLEY WARNER.</a><br /> +<span style="margin-left: 1em;"><a href="#GARDEN_ETHICS">Garden Ethics</a></span><br /> +<br /> +<a href="#FRANCES_LEE_PRATT">FRANCES LEE PRATT.</a><br /> +<span style="margin-left: 1em;"><a href="#CAPTAIN_BENS_CHOICE">Captain Ben's Choice</a></span><br /> +<br /> + <a href="#LOUISA_MAY_ALCOTT">LOUISA MAY ALCOTT.</a><br /> +<span style="margin-left: 1em;"><a href="#STREET_SCENES_IN_WASHINGTON">Street Scenes in Washington</a></span><br /> +<span style="margin-left: 1em;"><a href="#SELECTIONS_FROM_TRANSCENDENTAL_WILD_OATS">Selections from Transcendental Wild Oats</a></span><br /> +<br /> +<a href="#WILLIAM_WIRT_HOWE">WILLIAM WIRT HOWE.</a><br /> +<span style="margin-left: 1em;"><a href="#CONVERSATIONAL_DEPRAVITY">Conversational Depravity</a></span><br /> +<br /> +<a href="#CHARLES_FARRAR_BROWNE">CHARLES FARRAR BROWNE.</a> ("<i>Artemus Ward</i>")<br /> +<span style="margin-left: 1em;"><a href="#THE_TOWER_OF_LONDON">The Tower of London</a></span><br /> +<span style="margin-left: 1em;"><a href="#SCIENCE_AND_NATURAL_HISTORY">Science and Natural History</a></span><br /> +<span style="margin-left: 1em;"><a href="#FROM_THE_LECTURE">From the "Lecture"</a></span><br /> +<br /> +<a href="#FRANK_R_STOCKTON">FRANK R. STOCKTON.</a><br /> +<span style="margin-left: 1em;"><a href="#OUR_TAVERN">Our Tavern</a></span><br /> +<span style="margin-left: 1em;"><a href="#A_PIECE_OF_RED_CALICO">A Piece of Red Calico</a></span><br /> +<br /> +<a href="#HARRIET_PRESCOTT_SPOFFORD">HARRIET PRESCOTT SPOFFORD.</a><br /> +<span style="margin-left: 1em;"><a href="#AUNT_PENS_FUNERAL">Aunt Pen's Funeral</a></span><br /> +<br /> +<a href="#SAMUEL_LANGHORNE_CLEMENS">SAMUEL LANGHORNE CLEMENS.</a> ("<i>Mark Twain</i>")<br /> +<span style="margin-left: 1em;"><a href="#THE_CELEBRATED_JUMPING_FROG_OF_CALAVERAS_COUNTY">The Celebrated Jumping Frog of Calaveras County</a></span><br /> +<br /> +<a href="#FITZ_HUGH_LUDLOW">FITZ HUGH LUDLOW.</a><br /> +<span style="margin-left: 1em;"><a href="#BEN_THIRLWALLS_SCHOOLDAYS">Ben Thirlwall's School-days</a></span><br /> +<span style="margin-left: 1em;"><a href="#SELECTIONS_FROM_A_BRACE_OF_BOYS">Selections from a Brace of Boys</a></span><br /> +<br /> +<a href="#THOMAS_BAILEY_ALDRICH">THOMAS BAILEY ALDRICH.</a><br /> +<span style="margin-left: 1em;"><a href="#A_RIVERMOUTH_ROMANCE">A Rivermouth Romance</a></span><br /> +</p> + + + +<hr style="width: 65%;" /> +<h2><a name="BAYARD_TAYLOR" id="BAYARD_TAYLOR"></a>BAYARD TAYLOR.</h2> + +<h2>(BORN, 1825—DIED, 1878)</h2> + +<hr style='width: 45%;' /> + +<h2><a name="SELECTIONS_FROM_THE_EXPERIENCES_OF_THE_AC" id="SELECTIONS_FROM_THE_EXPERIENCES_OF_THE_AC"></a>SELECTIONS FROM THE EXPERIENCES OF THE +A.C.</h2> + + +<p>"Bridgeport! Change cars for the +Naugatuck Railroad!" shouted the +conductor of the New York and Boston Express +Train, on the evening of May 27, 1858.... Mr. +Johnson, carpet-bag in hand, jumped +upon the platform, entered the office, purchased +a ticket for Waterbury, and was soon whirling +in the Naugatuck train towards his destination.</p> + +<p>On reaching Waterbury, in the soft spring +twilight, Mr. Johnson walked up and down in +front of the station, curiously scanning the +faces of the assembled crowd. Presently he +noticed a gentleman who was performing the +same operation upon the faces of the alighting +passengers. Throwing himself directly in the +way of the latter, the two exchanged a steady +gaze.</p> + +<p>"Is your name Billings?" "Is your name +Johnson?" were simultaneous questions, followed +by the simultaneous exclamations,—"Ned!" +"Enos!"</p> + +<p>Then there was a crushing grasp of hands, +repeated after a pause, in testimony of ancient +friendship, and Mr. Billings, returning to practical +life asked:</p> + +<p>"Is that all your baggage? Come, I have +a buggy here: Eunice has heard the whistle, +and she'll be impatient to welcome you."</p> + +<p>The impatience of Eunice (Mrs. Billings, of +course) was not of long duration; for in five +minutes thereafter she stood at the door of her +husband's chocolate-colored villa, receiving his +friend....</p> + +<p>J. Edward Johnson was a tall, thin gentleman +of forty-five.... A year before, some +letters, signed "Foster, Kirkup, & Co., per +Enos Billings," had accidentally revealed to him +the whereabouts of the old friend of his youth +with whom we now find him domiciled....</p> + +<p>"Enos," said he, as he stretched out his hand +for the third cup of tea (which he had taken +only for the purpose of prolonging the pleasant +table-chat), "I wonder which of us is most +changed."</p> + +<p>"You, of course," said Mr. Billings, "with +your brown face and big moustache. Your +own brother wouldn't have known you, if he +had seen you last, as I did, with smooth cheeks +and hair of unmerciful length. Why, not even +your voice is the same!"</p> + +<p>"That is easily accounted for," replied Mr. +Johnson. "But in your case, Enos, I am puzzled +to find where the difference lies. Your features +seem to be but little changed, now that I +can examine them at leisure; yet it is not the +same face. But really, I never looked at you +for so long a time, in those days. I beg pardon; +you used to be so—so remarkably shy."</p> + +<p>Mr. Billings blushed slightly, and seemed at +a loss what to answer. His wife, however, +burst into a merry laugh, exclaiming:</p> + +<p>"Oh, that was before the days of the A.C.!"</p> + +<p>He, catching the infection, laughed also; in +fact, Mr. Johnson laughed, but without knowing +why.</p> + +<p>"The 'A.C.'!" said Mr. Billings. "Bless +me, Eunice! how long it is since we have +talked of that summer! I had almost forgotten +that there ever was an A.C.... +Well, the A.C. culminated in '45. You remember +something of the society of Norridgeport, +the last winter you were there? Abel +Mallory, for instance?"</p> + +<p>"Let me think a moment," said Mr. Johnson, +reflectively. "Really, it seems like looking +back a hundred years. Mallory,—wasn't that +the sentimental young man, with wispy hair, a +tallowy skin, and big, sweaty hands, who used +to be spouting Carlyle on the 'reading evenings' +at Shelldrake's? Yes, to be sure; and there +was Hollins, with his clerical face and infidel +talk,—and Pauline Ringtop, who used to say, +'The Beautiful is the Good.' I can still hear +her shrill voice singing, 'Would that <i>I</i> were +beautiful, would that <i>I</i> were fair!'"</p> + +<p>There was a hearty chorus of laughter at +poor Miss Ringtop's expense. It harmed no +one, however; for the tar-weed was already +thick over her Californian grave.</p> + +<p>"Oh, I see," said Mr. Billings, "you still remember +the absurdities of those days. In fact, +I think you partially saw through them then. +But I was younger, and far from being so clearheaded, +and I looked upon those evenings at +Shelldrake's as being equal, at least, to the +<i>symposia</i> of Plato. Something in Mallory always +repelled me. I detested the sight of his +thick nose, with the flaring nostrils, and his +coarse, half-formed lips, of the bluish color of +raw corned-beef. But I looked upon these +feelings as unreasonable prejudices, and strove +to conquer them, seeing the admiration which +he received from others. He was an oracle on +the subject of 'Nature.' Having eaten nothing +for two years, except Graham bread, vegetables +without salt, and fruits, fresh or dried, he considered +himself to have attained an antediluvian +purity of health,—or that he would +attain it, so soon as two pimples on his left +temple should have healed. These pimples he +looked upon as the last feeble stand made by +the pernicious juices left from the meat he had +formerly eaten and the coffee he had drunk. +His theory was, that through a body so purged +and purified none but true and natural impulses +could find access to the soul. Such, indeed, +was the theory we all held....</p> + +<p>"Shelldrake was a man of more pretence than +real cultivation, as I afterwards discovered. +He was in good circumstances, and always glad +to receive us at his house, as this made him +virtually the chief of our tribe, and the outlay +for refreshments involved only the apples from +his own orchard, and water from his well....</p> + +<p>"Well, 't was in the early part of '45,—I +think in April,—when we were all gathered together, +discussing, as usual, the possibility of +leading a life in accordance with Nature. Abel +Mallory was there, and Hollins, and Miss +Ringtop, and Faith Levis, with her knitting,—and +also Eunice Hazleton, a lady whom you +have never seen, but you may take my wife as +her representative....</p> + +<p>"I wish I could recollect some of the +speeches made on that occasion. Abel had +but one pimple on his temple (there was a +purple spot where the other had been), and +was estimating that in two or three months +more he would be a true, unspoiled man. His +complexion, nevertheless, was more clammy +and whey-like than ever.</p> + +<p>"'Yes,' said he, 'I also am an Arcadian! This +false dual existence which I have been leading +will soon be merged in the unity of Nature. Our +lives must conform to her sacred law. Why +can't we strip off these hollow Shams,' (he +made great use of that word,) 'and be our true +selves, pure, perfect, and divine?' ...</p> + +<p>"Shelldrake, however, turning to his wife, +said,—</p> + +<p>"'Elviry, how many up-stairs rooms is there +in that house down on the Sound?'</p> + +<p>"'Four,—besides three small ones under the +roof. Why, what made you think of that, +Jesse?' said she.</p> + +<p>"'I've got an idea, while Abel's been talking,' +he answered. 'We've taken a house for +the summer, down the other side of Bridgeport, +right on the water, where there's good fishing +and a fine view of the Sound. Now, there's +room enough for all of us,—at least, all that +can make it suit to go. Abel, you and Enos, +and Pauline and Eunice might fix matters so +that we could all take the place in partnership, +and pass the summer together, living a true +and beautiful life in the bosom of Nature. +There we shall be perfectly free and untrammelled +by the chains which still hang around +us in Norridgeport. You know how often we +have wanted to be set on some island in the +Pacific Ocean, where we could build up a true +society, right from the start. Now, here's a +chance to try the experiment for a few months, +anyhow.'</p> + +<p>"Eunice clapped her hands (yes, you did!) +and cried out,—</p> + +<p>"'Splendid! Arcadian! I'll give up my +school for the summer.' ...</p> + +<p>"Abel Mallory, of course, did not need to +have the proposal repeated. He was ready +for any thing which promised indolence, and +the indulgence of his sentimental tastes. I will +do the fellow the justice to say that he was not +a hypocrite. He firmly believed both in himself +and his ideas,—especially the former. He +pushed both hands through the long wisps of +his drab-colored hair, and threw his head back +until his wide nostrils resembled a double door +to his brain.</p> + +<p>"'O Nature!' he said, 'you have found your +lost children! We shall obey your neglected +laws! we shall hearken to your divine whispers! +we shall bring you back from your ignominious +exile, and place you on your ancestral +throne!' ...</p> + +<p>"The company was finally arranged to consist +of the Shelldrakes, Hollins, Mallory, Eunice, +Miss Ringtop, and myself. We did not +give much thought, either to the preparations +in advance, or to our mode of life when settled +there. We were to live near to Nature: that +was the main thing.</p> + +<p>"'What shall we call the place?" asked +Eunice.</p> + +<p>"'Arcadia!' said Abel Mallory, rolling up +his large green eyes.</p> + +<p>"'Then,' said Hollins, 'let us constitute ourselves +the Arcadian Club!'"</p> + +<p>—"Aha!" interrupted Mr. Johnson, "I +see! The A.C.!"</p> + +<p>"Yes, you see the A.C. now, but to +understand it fully, you should have had +a share in those Arcadian experiences.... +It was a lovely afternoon in June when +we first approached Arcadia.... Perkins +Brown, Shelldrake's boy-of-all-work, awaited +us at the door. He had been sent on +two or three days in advance, to take charge +of the house, and seemed to have had enough +of hermit-life, for he hailed us with a wild +whoop, throwing his straw hat half-way up +one of the poplars. Perkins was a boy of fifteen, +the child of poor parents, who were satisfied +to get him off their hands, regardless as to +what humanitarian theories might be tested +upon him. As the Arcadian Club recognized +no such thing as caste, he was always admitted +to our meetings, and understood just enough +of our conversation to excite a silly ambition in +his slow mind....</p> + +<p>"Our board, that evening, was really tempting. +The absence of meat was compensated to +us by the crisp and racy onions, and I craved +only a little salt, which had been interdicted, as +a most pernicious substance. I sat at one corner +of the table, beside Perkins Brown, who +took an opportunity, while the others were engaged +in conversation, to jog my elbow gently. +As I turned towards him, he said nothing, but +dropped his eyes significantly. The little rascal +had the lid of a blacking-box, filled with salt, +upon his knee, and was privately seasoning his +onions and radishes. I blushed at the thought +of my hypocrisy, but the onions were so much +better that I couldn't help dipping into the +lid with him.</p> + +<p>"'Oh,' said Eunice, 'we must send for some +oil and vinegar! This lettuce is very nice.'</p> + +<p>"'Oil and vinegar?' exclaimed Abel.</p> + +<p>"'Why, yes,' said she, innocently: 'they are +both vegetable substances.'</p> + +<p>"Abel at first looked rather foolish, but +quickly recovering herself, said,—</p> + +<p>"'All vegetable substances are not proper +for food: you would not taste the poison-oak, +or sit under the upas-tree of Java.'</p> + +<p>"'Well, Abel,' Eunice rejoined, 'how are we +to distinguish what is best for us? How are +we to know <i>what</i> vegetables to choose, or what +animal and mineral substances to avoid?'</p> + +<p>"'I will tell you,' he answered, with a lofty +air. 'See here!' pointing to his temple, where +the second pimple—either from the change of +air, or because, in the excitement of the last +few days, he had forgotten it—was actually +healed. 'My blood is at last pure. The struggle +between the natural and the unnatural is over, +and I am beyond the depraved influences of my +former taste. My instincts are now, therefore, +entirely pure also. What is good for man to +eat, that I shall have a natural desire to eat: +what is bad will be naturally repelled. How +does the cow distinguish between the wholesome +and the poisonous herbs of the meadow? +And is man less than a cow, that he cannot cultivate +his instincts to an equal point? Let me +walk through the woods and I can tell you every +berry and root which God designed for food, +though I know not its name, and have never +seen it before. I shall make use of my time, +during our sojourn here, to test, by my purified +instinct, every substance, animal, mineral, and +vegetable, upon which the human race subsists, +and to create a catalogue of the True Food of +Man!' ...</p> + +<p>"Our lazy life during the hot weather had +become a little monotonous. The Arcadian +plan had worked tolerably well, on the whole, +for there was very little for any one to do,—Mrs. +Shelldrake and Perkins Brown excepted. +Our conversation, however, lacked spirit and +variety. We were, perhaps unconsciously, a +little tired of hearing and assenting to the same +sentiments. But, one evening, about this time, +Hollins struck upon a variation, the consequences +of which he little foresaw. We had been +reading one of Bulwer's works, (the weather +was too hot for Psychology,) and came upon +this paragraph, or something like it:—</p> + +<p>"'Ah, Behind the Veil! We see the summer +smile of the Earth,—enamelled meadow +and limpid stream,—but what hides she in her +sunless heart? Caverns of serpents, or grottoes +of priceless gems? Youth, whose soul sits on +thy countenance, thyself wearing no mask, strive +not to lift the masks of others! Be content +with what thou seest; and wait until Time and +Experience shall teach thee to find jealousy +behind the sweet smile, and hatred under the +honeyed word!'</p> + +<p>"This seemed to us a dark and bitter reflection +but one or another of us recalled some +illustration of human hypocrisy, and the +evidences, by the simple fact of repetition, +gradually led to a division of opinion,—Rollins, +Shelldrake, and Miss Ringtop on the dark side, +and the rest of us on the bright. The last, +however, contented herself with quoting from +her favorite poet Gamaliel J. Gawthrop:—</p> + +<p> +"'I look beyond thy brow's concealment!<br /> +I see thy spirit's dark revealment!<br /> +Thy inner self betrayed I see:<br /> +Thy coward, craven, shivering ME!'<br /> +</p> + +<p>"'We think we know one another,' exclaimed +Rollins; 'but do we? We see the faults of +others, their weaknesses, their disagreeable +qualities, and we keep silent. How much we +should gain, were candor as universal as concealment +Then each one, seeing himself as +others see him, would truly know himself. +How much misunderstanding might be avoided, +how much hidden shame be removed, +hopeless because unspoken love made glad, +honest admiration cheer its object, uttered +sympathy mitigate misfortune,—in short, how +much brighter and happier the world would +become, if each one expressed, everywhere and +at all times, his true and entire feeling! Why, +even Evil would lose half its power!'</p> + +<p>"There seemed to be so much practical wisdom +in these views that we were all dazzled and +half-convinced at the start. So, when Hollins, +turning towards me, as he continued, exclaimed,—'Come, +why should not this candor be adopted +in our Arcadia? Will any one—will you, +Enos—commence at once by telling me now—to +my face—my principal faults?' I answered, +after a moment's reflection,—'You have a great +deal of intellectual arrogance, and you are, +physically, very indolent.'</p> + +<p>"He did not flinch from the self-invited test, +though he looked a little surprised.</p> + +<p>"'Well put,' said he, 'though I do not say +that you are entirely correct. Now, what are +my merits?'</p> + +<p>"'You are clear-sighted,' I answered, 'an +earnest seeker after truth, and courageous in +the avowal of your thoughts.'</p> + +<p>"This restored the balance, and we soon began +to confess our own private faults and weaknesses. +Though the confessions did not go +very deep,—no one betraying any thing we did +not all know already,—yet they were sufficient +to strengthen Hollins in his new idea, and it +was unanimously resolved that Candor should +thenceforth be the main charm of our Arcadian +life....</p> + +<p>"The next day, Abel, who had resumed his +researches after the True Food, came home to +supper with a healthier color than I had before +seen on his face.</p> + +<p>"'Do you know,' said he, looking shyly at +Hollins, 'that I begin to think Beer must +be a natural beverage? There was an auction +in the village to-day, as I passed through, and +I stopped at a cake-stand to get a glass of water, +as it was very hot. There was no water,—only +beer: so I thought I would try a glass, simply +as an experiment. Really, the flavor was very +agreeable. And it occurred to me, on the way +home, that all the elements contained in beer +are vegetable. Besides, fermentation is a +natural process. I think the question has never +been properly tested before.'</p> + +<p>"'But the alcohol!' exclaimed Hollins.</p> + +<p>"'I could not distinguish any, either by taste +or smell. I know that chemical analysis is said +to show it; but may not the alcohol be created, +somehow, during the analysis?'</p> + +<p>"'Abel,' said Hollins, in a fresh burst of candor, +'you will never be a Reformer, until you +possess some of the commonest elements of +knowledge.'</p> + +<p>"The rest of us were much diverted: it was +a pleasant relief to our monotonous amiability.</p> + +<p>"Abel, however, had a stubborn streak in his +character. The next day he sent Perkins +Brown to Bridgeport for a dozen bottles of +'Beer.' Perkins, either intentionally or by mistake, +(I always suspected the former,) brought +pint-bottles of Scotch ale, which he placed in the +coolest part of the cellar. The evening happened +to be exceedingly hot and sultry; and, as we +were all fanning ourselves and talking languidly, +Abel bethought him of his beer. In his thirst, +he drank the contents of the first bottle, almost +at a single draught.</p> + +<p>"'The effect of beer,' said he, 'depends, I +think, on the commixture of the nourishing +principle of the grain with the cooling properties +of the water. Perhaps, hereafter, a liquid +food of the same character may be invented, +which shall save us from mastication and all the +diseases of the teeth.'</p> + +<p>"Hollins and Shelldrake, at his invitation, +divided a bottle between them, and he took a +second. The potent beverage was not long in +acting on a brain so unaccustomed to its influence. +He grew unusually talkative and +sentimental, in a few minutes.</p> + +<p>"'Oh, sing, somebody!' he sighed in hoarse +rapture: 'the night was made for Song.'</p> + +<p>"Miss Ringtop, nothing loath, immediately +commenced, 'When stars are in the quiet skies'; +but scarcely had she finished the first verse +before Abel interrupted her.</p> + +<p>"'Candor's the order of the day, isn't it?' +he asked.</p> + +<p>"'Yes!' 'Yes!' two or three answered.</p> + +<p>"'Well, then,' said he, 'candidly, Pauline, +you've got the darn'dest squeaky voice'—</p> + +<p>"Miss Ringtop gave a faint little scream of +horror.</p> + +<p>"'Oh, never mind!' he continued. 'We act +according to impulse, don't we? And I've +the impulse to swear; and it's right. Let Nature +have her way. Listen! Damn, damn, +damn, damn! I never knew it was so easy. +Why, there's a pleasure in it! Try it, Pauline! +try it on me!'</p> + +<p>"'Oh-ooh!' was all Miss Ringtop could +utter.</p> + +<p>"'Abel! Abel!' exclaimed Hollins, 'the +beer has got into your head.'</p> + +<p>"'No, it isn't Beer,—it's Candor!' said +Abel. 'It's your own proposal, Hollins. +Suppose it's evil to swear: isn't it better I +should express it, and be done with it, than +keep it bottled up, to ferment in my mind? +Oh, you're a precious, consistent old humbug, +<i>you</i> are!'</p> + +<p>"And therewith he jumped off the stoop, +and went dancing awkwardly down towards the +water, singing in a most unmelodious voice, +''Tis home where'er the heart is.' ...</p> + +<p>"We had an unusually silent breakfast the +next morning. Abel scarcely spoke, which the +others attributed to a natural feeling of shame, +after his display of the previous evening. Hollins +and Shelldrake discussed Temperance, with +a special view to his edification, and Miss Ringtop +favored us with several quotations about +'the maddening bowl,'—but he paid no attention +to them....</p> + +<p>"The forenoon was overcast, with frequent +showers. Each one occupied his or her room +until dinner-time, when we met again with +something of the old geniality. There was an +evident effort to restore our former flow of +good feeling. Abel's experience with the beer +was freely discussed. He insisted strongly +that he had not been laboring under its effects, +and proposed a mutual test. He, Shelldrake, +and Hollins were to drink it in equal measures, +and compare observations as to their physical +sensations. The others agreed,—quite willingly, +I thought,—but I refused....</p> + +<p>"There was a sound of loud voices, as we +approached the stoop. Hollins, Shelldrake +and his wife, and Abel Mallory were sitting together +near the door. Perkins Brown, as usual, +was crouched on the lowest step, with one leg +over the other, and rubbing the top of his boot +with a vigor which betrayed to me some secret +mirth. He looked up at me from under his straw +hat with the grin of a malicious Puck, glanced +towards the group, and made a curious gesture +with his thumb. There were several empty +pint bottles on the stoop.</p> + +<p>"'Now, are you sure you can bear the test?' +we heard Hollins ask, as we approached.</p> + +<p>"'Bear it? Why, to be sure!' replied Shelldrake +'if I couldn't bear it, or if <i>you</i> couldn't, +your theory's done for. Try! I can stand it +as long as you can.'</p> + +<p>"'Well, then,' said Hollins, 'I think you are +a very ordinary man. I derive no intellectual +benefit from my intercourse with you, but your +house is convenient to me. I'm under no +obligations for your hospitality, however, because +my company is an advantage to you. +Indeed, if I were treated according to my deserts, +you couldn't do enough for me.'</p> + +<p>"Mrs. Shelldrake was up in arms.</p> + +<p>"'Indeed,' she exclaimed, 'I think you get +as good as you deserve, and more too.'</p> + +<p>"Elvira,' said he, with a benevolent condescension, +'I have no doubt you think so, for +your mind belongs to the lowest and most material +sphere. You have your place in Nature, +and you fill it; but it is not for you to judge of +intelligences which move only on the upper +planes.'</p> + +<p>"'Hollins,' said Shelldrake, 'Elviry's a good +wife and a sensible woman, and I won't allow +you to turn up your nose at her.'</p> + +<p>"'I am not surprised,' he answered, 'that +you should fail to stand the test. I didn't +expect it.'</p> + +<p>"'Let me try it on <i>you</i>!' cried Shelldrake. +'You, now, have some intellect,—I don't deny +that,—but not so much, by a long shot, as you +think you have. Besides that, you're awfully +selfish in your opinions. You won't admit that +anybody can be right who differs from you. +You've sponged on me for a long time; but +I suppose I've learned something from you, so +we'll call it even. I think, however, that what +you call acting according to impulse is simply +an excuse to cover your own laziness.'</p> + +<p>"'Gosh! that's it!' interrupted Perkins, +jumping up; then, recollecting himself, he +sank down on the steps again, and shook +with a suppressed 'Ho! ho! ho!'</p> + +<p>"Hollins, however, drew himself up with an +exasperated air.</p> + +<p>"'Shelldrake,' said he, 'I pity you. I always +knew your ignorance, but I thought you honest +in your human character. I never suspected +you of envy and malice. However, the true Reformer +must expect to be misunderstood and +misrepresented by meaner minds. That love +which I bear to all creatures teaches me to forgive +you. Without such love, all plans of progress +must fail. Is it not so, Abel?'"</p> + +<p>"Shelldrake could only ejaculate the words, +'Pity!' 'Forgive!' in his most contemptuous +tone; while Mrs. Shelldrake, rocking violently +in her chair, gave utterance to that peculiar +clucking '<i>ts, ts, ts, ts</i>,' whereby certain women +express emotions too deep for words.</p> + +<p>"Abel, roused by Hollins' question, answered, +with a sudden energy,—</p> + +<p>"Love! there is no love in the world. Where +will you find it? Tell me, and I'll go there. +Love! I'd like to see it! If all human hearts +were like mine, we might have an Arcadia; but +most men have no hearts. The world is a miserable, +hollow, deceitful shell of vanity and hypocrisy. +No: let us give up. We were born +before our time: this age is not worthy of us.'</p> + +<p>"Hollins stared at the speaker in utter amazement. +Shelldrake gave a long whistle, and finally +gasped out,—</p> + +<p>"'Well, what next?'</p> + +<p>"None of us were prepared for such a sudden +and complete wreck of our Arcadian scheme. +The foundations had been sapped before, it is +true; but we had not perceived it; and now, +in two short days, the whole edifice tumbled +about our ears. Though it was inevitable, we +felt a shock of sorrow, and a silence fell upon +us. Only that scamp of a Perkins Brown, chuckling +and rubbing his boot, really rejoiced. I +could have kicked him.</p> + +<p>"We all went to bed, feeling that the charm +of our Arcadian life was over.... In the +first revulsion of feeling, I was perhaps unjust +to my associates. I see now, more clearly, the +causes of those vagaries, which originated in a +genuine aspiration, and failed from an ignorance +of the true nature of Man, quite as much as +from the egotism of the individuals. Other attempts +at reorganizing Society were made about +the same time by men of culture and experience, +but in the A.C. we had neither. Our +leaders had caught a few half-truths, which, +in their minds, were speedly warped into +errors." ...—<i>The Atlantic Monthly</i>, February, +1862.</p> + + + +<hr style="width: 65%;" /> +<h2><a name="WILLIAM_ALLEN_BUTLER" id="WILLIAM_ALLEN_BUTLER"></a>WILLIAM ALLEN BUTLER.</h2> + +<h2>(BORN, 1825.)</h2> + +<hr style='width: 45%;' /> + +<h2><a name="DOBBS_HIS_FERRY" id="DOBBS_HIS_FERRY"></a>DOBBS HIS FERRY.</h2> + +<p>A Legend of the Lower Hudson.</p> + + +<p> +The days were at their longest,<br /> +The heat was at its strongest,<br /> +<span style="margin-left: 1em;">When Brown, old friend and true,</span><br /> +Wrote thus: "Dear Jack, why swelter<br /> +In town when shade and shelter<br /> +<span style="margin-left: 1em;">Are waiting here for you?</span><br /> +Quit Bulls and Bears and gambling,<br /> +For rural sports and rambling<br /> +<span style="margin-left: 1em;">Forsake your Wall Street tricks;</span><br /> +Come without hesitation,<br /> +Check to Dobbs' Ferry Station,<br /> +<span style="margin-left: 1em;">We dine at half-past six."</span><br /> +<br /> +I went,—a welcome hearty,<br /> +A merry country party,<br /> +<span style="margin-left: 1em;">A drive, and then croquet,</span><br /> +A quiet, well-cooked dinner,<br /> +Three times at billiards winner,—<br /> +<span style="margin-left: 1em;">The evening sped away;</span><br /> +When Brown, the dear old joker,<br /> +Cried, "Come, my worthy broker,<br /> +<span style="margin-left: 1em;">The hour is growing late;</span><br /> +Your room is cool and quiet,<br /> +As for the bed, just try it,<br /> +<span style="margin-left: 1em;">Breakfast at half-past eight."</span><br /> +<br /> +I took Brown's hand, applauded<br /> +His generous care, and lauded<br /> +<span style="margin-left: 1em;">Dobbs' Ferry to the skies.</span><br /> +A shade came o'er his features,<br /> +"We should be happy creatures,<br /> +<span style="margin-left: 1em;">And this a paradise,</span><br /> +But, ah! the deep disgrace is,<br /> +This loveliest of places<br /> +<span style="margin-left: 1em;">A vulgar name should blight!</span><br /> +But, death to Dobbs! we'll change it,<br /> +If money can arrange it,<br /> +<span style="margin-left: 1em;">So, pleasant dreams; good night!"</span><br /> +<br /> +I could not sleep, but, raising<br /> +The window, stood, moon-gazing,<br /> +<span style="margin-left: 1em;">In fairyland a guest;</span><br /> +"On such a night," <i>et cetera</i>—<br /> +See Shakespeare for much better a<br /> +Description of the rest,—<br /> +I mused, how sweet to wander<br /> +Beside the river, yonder;<br /> +<span style="margin-left: 1em;">And then the sudden whim</span><br /> +Seized my head to pillow<br /> +On Hudson's sparkling billow,<br /> +<span style="margin-left: 1em;">A midnight, moonlight swim!</span><br /> +<br /> +Soon thought and soon attempted;<br /> +At once my room was emptied<br /> +<span style="margin-left: 1em;">Of its sole occupant;</span><br /> +The roof was low, and easily,<br /> +In fact, quite Japanese-ily,<br /> +<span style="margin-left: 1em;">I took the downward slant,</span><br /> +Then, without stay or stopping,<br /> +My first and last eaves-dropping,<br /> +<span style="margin-left: 1em;">By leader-pipe I sped,</span><br /> +And through the thicket gliding,<br /> +Down the steep hillside sliding,<br /> +<span style="margin-left: 1em;">Soon reached the river's bed.</span><br /> +<br /> +But what was my amazement,—<br /> +The fair scene from the casement,<br /> +<span style="margin-left: 1em;">How changed! I could not guess</span><br /> +Where track or rails had vanished,<br /> +Town, villas, station, banished,—<br /> +<span style="margin-left: 1em;">All was a wilderness.</span><br /> +Only one ancient gable,<br /> +A low-roofed inn and stable,<br /> +<span style="margin-left: 1em;">A creaking sign displayed,</span><br /> +An antiquated wherry,<br /> +Below it—"DOBBS HIS FERRY"—<br /> +<span style="margin-left: 1em;">In the clear moonlight swayed.</span><br /> +<br /> +I turned, and there the craft was,<br /> +Its shape 'twixt scow and raft was,<br /> +<span style="margin-left: 1em;">Square ends, low sides, and flat,</span><br /> +And standing close beside me,<br /> +An ancient chap who eyed me,<br /> +<span style="margin-left: 1em;">Beneath a steeple-hat;</span><br /> +Short legs—long pipe—style very<br /> +Pre-Revolutionary,—<br /> +<span style="margin-left: 1em;">I bow, he grimly bobs,</span><br /> +Then, with some perturbation,<br /> +By way of salutation,<br /> +<span style="margin-left: 1em;">Says I, "How are you, Dobbs!"</span><br /> +<br /> +He grum and silent beckoned,<br /> +And I, in half a second,<br /> +<span style="margin-left: 1em;">Scarce knowing what I did,</span><br /> +Took the stern seat, Dobbs throwing<br /> +Himself 'midships, and rowing,<br /> +<span style="margin-left: 1em;">Swift through the stream we slid;</span><br /> +He pulled awhile, then stopping,<br /> +And both oars slowly dropping,<br /> +<span style="margin-left: 1em;">His pipe aside he laid,</span><br /> +Drew a long breath, and taking<br /> +An attitude, and shaking<br /> +<span style="margin-left: 1em;">His fist towards shore, thus said:—</span><br /> +<br /> +"Of all sharp cuts the keenest,<br /> +Of all mean turns the meanest,<br /> +<span style="margin-left: 1em;">Vilest of all vile jobs,</span><br /> +Worse than the Cow-Boy pillagers,<br /> +Are these Dobbs' Ferry villagers<br /> +<span style="margin-left: 1em;">A going back on Dobbs!</span><br /> +'Twould not be more anom'lous<br /> +If Rome went back on Rom'lus<br /> +<span style="margin-left: 1em;">(Old rum-un like myself),</span><br /> +Or Hail Columbia, played out<br /> +By Southern Dixie, laid out<br /> +<span style="margin-left: 1em;">Columbus on the shelf!</span><br /> +<br /> +"They say 'Dobbs' ain't melodious,<br /> +It's 'horrid,' 'vulgar,' 'odious,'<br /> +<span style="margin-left: 1em;">In all their crops it sticks;</span><br /> +And then the worse addendum<br /> +Of 'Ferry' does offend 'em<br /> +<span style="margin-left: 1em;">More than its vile prefix.</span><br /> +Well, it does seem distressing,<br /> +But, if I'm good at guessing,<br /> +Each one of these same nobs,<br /> +If there was money in it,<br /> +Would ferry in a minute,<br /> +<span style="margin-left: 1em;">And change his name to Dobbs!</span><br /> +<br /> +"That's it, they're not partic'lar,<br /> +Respecting the auric'lar,<br /> +<span style="margin-left: 1em;">At a stiff market rate;</span><br /> +But Dobbs' especial vice is,<br /> +That he keeps down the prices<br /> +<span style="margin-left: 1em;">Of all their real estate!</span><br /> +A name so unattractive<br /> +Keeps villa-sites inactive,<br /> +<span style="margin-left: 1em;">And spoils the broker's jobs;</span><br /> +They think that speculation<br /> +Would rage at 'Paulding's Station,'<br /> +<span style="margin-left: 1em;">Which stagnates now at 'Dobbs.'</span><br /> +<br /> +"'Paulding's!"—that's sentimental!<br /> +An old Dutch Continental,<br /> +<span style="margin-left: 1em;">Bushwhacked up there a spell;</span><br /> +But why he should come blustering<br /> +Round here, and filibustering,<br /> +<span style="margin-left: 1em;">Is more than I can tell;</span><br /> +Sat playing for a wager,<br /> +And nabbed a British major.<br /> +<span style="margin-left: 1em;">Well, if the plans and charts</span><br /> +From Andre's boots he hauled out,<br /> +Is his name to be bawled out<br /> +<span style="margin-left: 1em;">Forever, round these parts?</span><br /> +<br /> +"Guess not! His pay and bounty<br /> +And mon'ment from the county<br /> +<span style="margin-left: 1em;">Paid him off, every cent,</span><br /> +While this snug town and station,<br /> +To every generation,<br /> +<span style="margin-left: 1em;">Shall be Dobbs' monument;</span><br /> +Spite of all speculators<br /> +And ancient-landmark traitors,<br /> +<span style="margin-left: 1em;">Who, all along this shore,</span><br /> +Are ever substitutin'<br /> +The modern, highfalutin',<br /> +<span style="margin-left: 1em;">For the plain names of yore.</span><br /> +<br /> +"Down there, on old Manhattan,<br /> +Where land-sharks breed and fatten,<br /> +<span style="margin-left: 1em;">They've wiped out Tubby Hook.</span><br /> +That famous promontory,<br /> +Renowned in song and story,<br /> +<span style="margin-left: 1em;">Which time nor tempest shook,</span><br /> +Whose name for aye had been good,<br /> +Stands newly christened 'Inwood,'<br /> +<span style="margin-left: 1em;">And branded with the shame</span><br /> +Of some old rogue who passes<br /> +By dint of aliases,<br /> +<span style="margin-left: 1em;">Afraid of his own name!</span><br /> +<br /> +"See how they quite outrival,<br /> +Plain barnyard Spuytenduyvil,<br /> +<span style="margin-left: 1em;">By peacock Riverdale,</span><br /> +Which thinks all else it conquers,<br /> +And over homespun Yonkers<br /> +<span style="margin-left: 1em;">Spreads out its flaunting tail!</span><br /> +There's new-named Mount St. Vincent,<br /> +Where each dear little inn'cent<br /> +<span style="margin-left: 1em;">Is taught the Popish rites,—</span><br /> +Well, ain't it queer, wherever<br /> +These saints possess the river<br /> +<span style="margin-left: 1em;">They get the finest sites!</span><br /> +<br /> +"They've named a place for Irving,<br /> +A trifle more deserving<br /> +<span style="margin-left: 1em;">Than your French, foreign saints,</span><br /> +But if he has such mention,<br /> +It's past my comprehension<br /> +<span style="margin-left: 1em;">Why Dobbs should cause complaints;</span><br /> +Wrote histories and such things,<br /> +About Old Knick and Dutch things,<br /> +<span style="margin-left: 1em;">Dolph Heyligers and Rips;</span><br /> +But no old antiquary<br /> +Like him could keep a ferry,<br /> +<span style="margin-left: 1em;">With all his authorships!</span><br /> +<br /> +"By aid of these same showmen,<br /> +Some fanciful cognomen<br /> +<span style="margin-left: 1em;">Old Cro'nest stock might bring</span><br /> +As high as Butter Hill is,<br /> +Which, patronized by Willis,<br /> +<span style="margin-left: 1em;">Leaves cards now as 'Storm-King!'</span><br /> +Can't some poetic swell-beau<br /> +Re-christen old Crum Elbow<br /> +<span style="margin-left: 1em;">And each prosaic bluff,</span><br /> +Bold Breakneck gently flatter,<br /> +And Dunderberg bespatter,<br /> +<span style="margin-left: 1em;">With euphony and stuff!</span><br /> +<br /> +"'T would be a <i>magnum opus</i><br /> +To bury old Esopus<br /> +<span style="margin-left: 1em;">In Time's sepulchral vaults,</span><br /> +Or in Oblivion's deep sea<br /> +Submerge renowned Poughkeepsie,<br /> +<span style="margin-left: 1em;">And also ancient Paltz;</span><br /> +How it would give them rapture<br /> +Brave Stony Point to capture,<br /> +<span style="margin-left: 1em;">And make it face about;</span><br /> +Bid Rhinebeck sound much smoother<br /> +Than in the tongue of Luther,<br /> +<span style="margin-left: 1em;">And wipe the Catskills out!</span><br /> +<br /> +"Well, DOBBS is DOBBS, and faster<br /> +Than pitch or mustard-plaster<br /> +Shall it stick hereabouts,<br /> +While Tappan Sea rolls yonder,<br /> +Or round High Torn the thunder<br /> +<span style="margin-left: 1em;">Along these ramparts shouts.</span><br /> +No corner-lot banditti,<br /> +Or brokers from the City—<br /> +<span style="margin-left: 1em;">Like you—" Here Dobbs began</span><br /> +Wildly both oars to brandish,<br /> +As fierce as old Miles Standish,<br /> +<span style="margin-left: 1em;">Or young Phil Sheridan.</span><br /> +<br /> +Sternwards he rushed,—I, ducking,<br /> +Seized both his legs, and chucking<br /> +<span style="margin-left: 1em;">Dobbs sideways, splash he went,—</span><br /> +The wherry swayed, then righted,<br /> +While I, somewhat excited,<br /> +<span style="margin-left: 1em;">Over the water bent;</span><br /> +Three times he rose, but vainly<br /> +I clutched his form ungainly,<br /> +<span style="margin-left: 1em;">He sank, while sighs and sobs</span><br /> +Beneath the waves seemed muttered,<br /> +And all the night-winds uttered<br /> +<span style="margin-left: 1em;">In sad tones, "Dobbs! Dobbs! Dobbs!"</span><br /> +<br /> +Just then some giant boulders<br /> +Upon my head and shoulders<br /> +<span style="margin-left: 1em;">Made sudden, fearful raids,</span><br /> +And on my face and forehead,<br /> +With din and uproar horrid,<br /> +<span style="margin-left: 1em;">Came several Palisades;</span><br /> +I screamed, and woke, in screaming,<br /> +To see, by gaslight's gleaming,<br /> +<span style="margin-left: 1em;">Brown's face above my bed;</span><br /> +"Why, Jack, what is the matter?<br /> +We heard a dreadful clatter<br /> +<span style="margin-left: 1em;">And found you on the shed!</span><br /> +<br /> +"It's plain enough, supposing<br /> +You sat there, moon-struck, dozing,<br /> +<span style="margin-left: 1em;">Upon the window's edge,</span><br /> +Then lost yourself, and falling,<br /> +Just where we found you, sprawling,<br /> +<span style="margin-left: 1em;">Struck the piazza ledge;</span><br /> +A lucky hit, old fellow,<br /> +Of black and blue and yellow<br /> +<span style="margin-left: 1em;">It gives your face a touch,</span><br /> +You saved your neck, but barely;<br /> +To state the matter fairly,<br /> +<span style="margin-left: 1em;">You took a drop too much!"</span><br /> +<br /> +I took the train next morning,<br /> +Some lumps my nose adorning,<br /> +<span style="margin-left: 1em;">My forehead, sundry knobs,</span><br /> +My ideas slightly wandering,<br /> +But, as I went, much pondering<br /> +Upon my night with Dobbs;<br /> +Brown thinks it, dear old sinner,<br /> +A case of "after dinner,"<br /> +<span style="margin-left: 1em;">And won't believe a word,</span><br /> +Talks of "hallucination,"<br /> +"Laws of association,"<br /> +<span style="margin-left: 1em;">And calls my tale "absurd."</span><br /> +<br /> +Perhaps it is, but never,<br /> +Say I, should we dissever<br /> +<span style="margin-left: 1em;">Old places and old names;</span><br /> +Guard the old landmarks truly,<br /> +On the old altars duly<br /> +<span style="margin-left: 1em;">Keep bright the ancient flames.</span><br /> +For me the face of Nature,<br /> +No luckless nomenclature<br /> +<span style="margin-left: 1em;">Of grace or beauty robs;</span><br /> +No, when of town I weary,<br /> +I'll make a strike in Erie,<br /> +<span style="margin-left: 1em;">And buy a place at DOBBS!</span><br /> +<br /> +—<i>Poems.</i><br /> +</p> + + + +<hr style="width: 65%;" /> +<h2><a name="JOHN_WILLIAM_DE_FOREST" id="JOHN_WILLIAM_DE_FOREST"></a>JOHN WILLIAM DE FOREST.</h2> + +<h2>(BORN, 1826.)</h2> + +<hr style='width: 45%;' /> + +<h2><a name="FATHER_HIGGINSS_PREFERMENT" id="FATHER_HIGGINSS_PREFERMENT"></a>FATHER HIGGINS'S PREFERMENT.</h2> + + +<p>Father Higgins was not the kind of +divine who easily finds preferment in +the Catholic Church, or who would be apt to +make a shining mark in any other.</p> + +<p>Fat and red-faced and pudding-headed was +Father Higgins; uncommonly in the way of +good eating, and now and then disposed for +good drinking; as lazy as he dared be, ignorant +enough for a hermit, and simple enough for a +monk. His chief excellence lay in his kindliness +of heart, which would doubtless have +made him very serviceable and comfortable to +his fellow-men, had it not been for his indolence, +his spare intellectual gifts, and perhaps a +little leaven of selfishness.</p> + +<p>Such as he was, however, Father Higgins had +no small "consate" of himself, and sometimes +thought that even a bishopric would not be +"beyant his desarts." He pleased himself with +imagining how finely he would fill an episcopal +chair, what apostolic labors he would accomplish +in his diocese, what swarms of heretics or +pagans he would convert, what a self-sacrificing +and heroic life he would lead, and what a saintly +name he would leave. One day, or to speak +with a precision worthy of this true history, one +evening, he became a bishop.</p> + +<p>It happened on this wise. Father Higgins +had ventured to treat himself to a spectacle. +He had attended, for the first time in his life, +an exhibition of legerdemain; this one being +given by that celebrated master of the black-art, +Professor Heller. He had seen the professor +change turnips into gold watches, draw a +dozen live pigeons in succession out of an +empty box, send rings into ladies' handkerchiefs +at the other end of the hall, catch a +bullet out of an exploded pistol in his hand, +and perform other marvels equally irrational +and disturbing. From this raree-show Father +Higgins had gone home feeling that he had witnessed +something about as unearthly as he was +likely to be confronted with in the next world.</p> + +<p>For an hour or more he sat in his elbow-chair, +puzzling over the professor's "diviltries," +and crossing himself at the remembrance of +each one of them. It was black midnight, and +stormy at that; there was such an uproar in +the elm branches over his house as if all the +Salem witches were holding Sabbath there; the +whole village of Sableburg swarmed with windy +rushings and shriekings and slammings. It was +one of those midnights when the devil evidently +"has business on his hand."</p> + +<p>Of a sudden there was a rustle in the room, +and looking around to discover the cause of it, +Father Higgins beheld a tall and dark man with +startling black eyes, in whom he recognized +Professor Heller.</p> + +<p>"What's yer will, sir?" demanded the Father, +a good deal astonished, but not a bit frightened.</p> + +<p>"I understand, sir, that you would like to be +a bishop," replied the professor, bowing politely, +but seating himself unceremoniously.</p> + +<p>"That's thrue enough, sir," replied Father +Higgins, who somehow felt curiously at his +ease, and disposed at once to be confidential +with this utter stranger. "I've often imagined +meself a bishop, an' doin' wondhers in me office. +But it's nonsinse."</p> + +<p>"What post would suit you?" inquired the +visitor. "The diocese of New York?"</p> + +<p>"No, no," said the father. "I'm not ayqual +to sich a risponsebility; that is, not at wanst, +ye ondherstand. I'd like best to come up to +sich a place as that gintly an' by degrays. +It's been a drame av mine to begin my prefarmint +as biship av some far-away continent or +archypilago, like, an' convart slathers av haythins +an' cannebals for a practice. It ud plase +me imagenation to prache among corrils an' +coky-nuts an' naked crachurs. Y' are aware, I +suppose, Misther Heller—or Professor Heller—av +sich islands as Owyhee an' the Marquesas, +famous a'ready in the history av the Propaganda +Fide. Jist suppose me havin' me episkepal +raysedence on wan av 'um, an' makin' me +progresses to the others. There be great devoshin +to a spiritual father among thim simple +people, I'm thinkin.' I'd be a god to 'um, +like. Sich obeyjince ud jist shuit me. Yes, +I'd enj'y bein' Biship av the Cannebal Islands, +or even av wan av um."</p> + +<p>"Faith is necessary," replied Heller. "You +must believe that you are to be Bishop of the +Cannibal Islands."</p> + +<p>"Sure an' it's not aisy at this distance to belave +in the islands thimselves, let alone bein' +spiritual father av the same," smiled the priest. +"Howandiver, there's no harrum in tryin' to +belave, an' so here goes for the exparimint. If +ye'll kape silence a bit, I'll jist collect me +moind on the subject, an' we'll see what +happens."</p> + +<p>For a moment the gray, piggish eyes of the +Father, and the black, gleaming, mysterious +orbs of his visitor were fixed upon each other. +In the next moment Heller, bowing with a +ceremonious air of respect, inquired, "What +are your commands, my lord bishop?"</p> + +<p>Startled by a consciousness of some wonderful +change, doubtful in what land he was, or +even in what age of the world, Father Higgins +stared about him in expectation. A sunny +shore, scattered groves of cocoa-nut trees, distant +villages of circular huts, beyond them far-stretching +forests and a smoking volcano; on +the hither side bays alive with carved and +painted canoes, near at hand a gathering crowd +of half-naked savages—such were the objects +that filled his vision.</p> + +<p>"So this is me diocese," he said, without +feeling the least surprise. "Well, the climate +is deloightful. Let us hope that the coky-nuts +will agree wid us, an' that the natives won't +urge upon us the blissins av martyrdom. Professor, +what may be the spiritual condition av +things hereaway, do ye think?"</p> + +<p>"A clear field—not a convert yet. Your +predecessor, who went through the office of +being eaten a year ago, had not even learned +the language."</p> + +<p>"The blissid saints watch over us! To hear +the likes av that, whin I expected to be a god, +like, among these wretches! Well, it's our +duty we must do, Heller; we mustn't run +away from our post; indade, we can't. Moreover, +I feel a sthrong confidence that the howly +Catholic Church is to be greatly glorified by +me on these islands. What do ye say now to +meself exhibitin' the gift av miracles an' +tongues? If I should discoorse to these cannebals +in their own contimptible language, +would it surprise ye, Heller?"</p> + +<p>"No," smiled the professor. "I have seen +greater marvels in my time. I have seen men +preach not merely words, but feelings and +faiths, that they were ignorant of."</p> + +<p>Father Higgins, closely followed by Heller, +now advanced to a green hillock, a few rods +from the shelly and pebbly beach, knelt down +upon the thin sward, and repeated a prayer. +Meantime the population gathered; behind +them canoe after canoe touched the shore; before +them there was a swift, tumultuous hurrying +from the villages; presently they were +surrounded by a compact, eager, barbaric multitude. +The babble of its wonder turned to +silence as the priest rose, extended his fat +hands, and commenced a sermon.</p> + +<p>Father Higgins was not a bit astonished at +hearing himself pour forth a torrent of words +which he did not understand, nor at seeing in +the faces of his wild listeners that they perfectly +comprehended his discourse. It was +merely a supernatural inspiration; it was but +another exhibition of the heavenly gifts of the +Church; he was as much at his ease as if he +had been in the habit of working miracles from +his cradle. At the close of his harangue he +took out his breviary, and translated a prayer +into the unknown tongue. Evidently the auditors +understood this also, for while some +crouched to earth in undisguisable terror, +others looked upward as if expecting an answer +from the sky.</p> + +<p>Presently a savage, in a many-colored robe +of feathers, stepped in front of the multitude, +and uttered a few sentences.</p> + +<p>"It's a mighty quare providence that this +miracle works ownly wan way," observed Father +Higgins to Heller. "It's meself can prache +acceptably to this poor haythin, an' it's meself, +loikewise, can't sense a blissid word he gabbles."</p> + +<p>"He is comparing you with your predecessor," +exclaimed the professor. "He says the +other man called himself a messenger from +God; but as he could not talk Feejee, they +saw that he was a liar, because God knows +every language; and so, having found him a +liar, they fattened him with fish and cocoa-nuts, +and ate him. As for you, they admit that you +are a heavenly personage, and they mean to +worship you."</p> + +<p>"How came ye to larn the language, annyway?" +demanded the priest.</p> + +<p>"I have wandered to and fro in the earth a +good deal," replied Heller. "I have performed +some of my best black-art in these islands."</p> + +<p>Father Higgins, rather bothered by these +statements, was about to ask further questions, +when he was seized by four sturdy natives, who +mounted him upon their naked shoulders, while +four others uplifted the professor in like manner, +all then setting off rapidly toward the village, +followed by the whole crowd in procession.</p> + +<p>"An' what if I should tell ye I had conscientious +scruples agenst lettin' meself be +adored for a heavenly personage?" objected +the good Father.</p> + +<p>"Don't think of it," counselled Heller. "Being +worshipped is infinitely more agreeable than +being eaten. Besides, consider the interests of +the Church. If you are set up as a god, you +can use the position to sprinkle holy water on +your adorers, and so convert the whole island +without trouble."</p> + +<p>"Sure y' are mighty well varsed in the precepts +and customs av the Jesuit Fathers," answered +the priest, with a stare of wonder and +admiration. "I moind me now that the missionaries +in Chaynee baptized lashins av haythin +babies under pretinse av rubbin' um with +medicine. An' it's a maxim that whin the ind +is salvatory, the manes are justified. It's a +maxim, also, that y' ave no business to lead +yer felly-crachurs into sin. Now cannebalism +is a sin; it ud be a sin capital for these fellies +to ate us; an', av coorse, it follies that it ud be +a sin in me to timpt um to do it. But, by sufferin' +meself to be worshipped I prevint that +same. So, I advise an' counsel, Heller, that we +go on as we are for a bit longer, until a proper +time comes to expose the whole av the thrue +faith."</p> + +<p>Beguiling the way with such like discourse, +Father Higgins journeyed on to the nearest +village, where his bearers halted before an unusually +large hut, evidently serving as a temple. +In the door of this building the principal chief +took post, and waving his hand toward the +crowd, made the following speech:</p> + +<p>"Hear, O chiefs! hear, O priests of our religion +ye men of Feejee, hear! The god who +can come over the waters is greater than the +god who can only abide upon the land, and +shall have his house and his sacrifices. Whosoever +disapproves of this, let him offer himself +for the trial of the sacred poison; if he is not +ready so to do, let him hereafter hold his peace +and submit."</p> + +<p>No one objecting, the chief beckoned the +bearers to follow him, and led the way into the +temple. Mounting a platform eight or ten feet +high, he advanced to an ugly scarecrow of an +idol, slapped it, kicked it, and toppled it to the +ground. Then, with vast labor and much joyful +shouting, the ponderous form of Father +Higgins was hoisted aloft, and installed in the +seat of the dethroned deity. Next Professor +Heller was set down upon his feet beside an +altar which stood in front of the platform.</p> + +<p>"What are ye afther doin', Heller?" inquired +the clergyman from his eminence.</p> + +<p>"I am about to sacrifice to your divinity two +green cocoa-nuts, two roasted bread-fruit, and +half a dozen fishes," was the answer.</p> + +<p>"Well, I suppose it must be permitted," +sighed Father Higgins. "Go on wid yer sacrifice, +me dear felly. I presume, av coorse, that +it will be in ordher for me to ate some av it. +Let the fishes be well cooked, by-the-way, and +sarved wid some kind av sauce. I'd almost as +lave be devoured meself as devour raw fishes."</p> + +<p>"Really, I have some scruples," smiled the +mischievous professor. "You might shock the +devotional feelings of your new worshippers."</p> + +<p>"I insist upon it, Heller. I tell ye I won't +ate raw fishes to convart a continent av haythins, +much less a little bit island av 'um."</p> + +<p>The fish being promptly broiled on the coals +of the altar, were handed up to Father Higgins +on a large leaf, together with one of the cocoa-nuts +and a bread-fruit. The worthy man immediately +proceeded to make a hearty meal, +vastly to the delight and confirmation in the +faith of his worshippers, they having never before +been blessed with a god who could fairly +and squarely eat his dinner. After another +brief speech from the chief, and a benediction +from the padre, the multitude dispersed.</p> + +<p>"Is it me unavoidable duty to live on this +perch, Heller?" demanded Father Higgins. +"Me opinion is that in that case I shall get +mightily tired av me mission. I'd about as +lave be a parrot, an' sit in a tin ring."</p> + +<p>"My dear Father, remember that blessed +saint who roosted for twenty years on the top +of a pillar," urged the professor. "Stay where +you are until you have got a firm grip on the +faith of these cannibals."</p> + +<p>"Very good," assented Higgins, with a +yawn. "But get me a bucket of wather, me +dear felly. Sure I must have some blessed an' +ready for use. The next time sarvice is conducted +here I propose to sprinkle the worshippers. +It'll benefit um in more ways nor wan, if +I'm a judge of ayther sowl or body."</p> + +<p>Such was the installation of Bishop Higgins, +or, as the Feejeeans insisted upon considering +him, Divinity Higgins, over the diocese of the +Pacific.</p> + +<p>There was something mysterious about the +Cannibal Islands. Time flew like a bird there; +the days seemed no more than minutes; they +were coming, and they were gone. Events, +emotions, changes of belief, transformations of +character, succeeded each other with magical +rapidity. Every thing was transacted at the +wildest speed of dreams; and yet, what was +strangest of all, every thing went smoothly and +naturally; nothing excited astonishment. In a +few days, or a few seconds, whatever the period +of time might have been, Father Higgins enjoyed +being Divinity Higgins.</p> + +<p>"I think it best for the eventual spiritual +interests av me paple that they should continue +to worship me for a while longer," he said to +Heller. "Human nature in a savage state, ye +see, wont go at wan jump from a log av wood +to the thrue Deity. I'm playin' the part av a +steppin'-stone betwixt the two. Afther they've +larned to lift their sowls to Higgins, they'll be +able to go a bit higher, say to the saints first, +an' thin to the blissid Vargin, an' so on, wan +step at a time, till they've got the whole av it. +But it'll be mortial slow, I'm doubtin'. I +may have to bear an' forbear as I am for an +intire gineration av the poor crachurs."</p> + +<p>"Certainly," assented the professor. "Nothing +so injurious to weak eyes as too much light."</p> + +<p>"Y' 'ave put it in a nutshell," replied the +priest. "Sure an' that's the rason we're opposed +to gineral schoolin', an' to readin' the +Bible to the children. Y' are a masther mind, +Heller, an' ought to been in howly ordhers. +An' that brings me to another idee av high importince. +There should be somebody to run +about with howly wather an' exthrame unction, +an' the like. Now that business wouldn't shuit +me pheesical conformation, an' nayther would +it shuit the character I have to bear. It's +betther that you should do the outside +trampin', Heller. Ye know the tradditions an' +docthrines av the Church well enough, an' +y' are a dab at Latin. As for yer not bein' av +the prastely office, I'll jist lay hands on ye an' +qualify ye for the same. If it happens to be a +bit irregular, why, the ind justifies the manes, +ye remimber, or the ancient Fathers are all +wrong, which is onpossible. An' now, Heller, +do tell these poor, benighted, lazy loons that I +must have me coky-nuts fresh, an' as great a +variety av fish as can be procured in these +wathers. The chap that preshumes to bring +me an owld coky-nut I'll curse his basket an' +his shtore."</p> + +<p>After a brief missionary effort, Heller reported +that the whole population of the island, +barring a few obstinate seniors, had been baptized.</p> + +<p>"That's well, me son," replied Father Higgins. +"I s'pose y' 'ave done it rather on the +wholesale, sprinklin' a hundred or so at a fling, +but I've no doubt y' 'ave done it the best ye +could in the time y' 'ave had; and surely it's a +great work, no matter how done. As for the +apostates—I mane the fellows that stick to +their owld haythinism—it might be well to +make an example av a few av thim, jist for the +encouragemint av the faithful. Suppose ye +should organize an inquisition, or howly office, +Heller, an' conduct the proceedin's yerself intirely, +be way av seein' that they are regular +an' effective? Y' are parfectly able for it, +wid your knowledge av Church history."</p> + +<p>It was not long before Heller was able to +state that all the old fogies and silver-grays +who remained alive had been converted.</p> + +<p>"Ah, but isn't that blissid news!" responded +Father Higgins, joyfully. "An' +wouldn't me brethren, the other biships, be +glad to hear that same concernin' their dioceses! +That's betther nor coky-nuts—of +which, be-the-way, I'm gettin' a bit tired. I +wondher, Heller, if some av these other islands +wouldn't furnish us a change of diet? If we +could find pataties an' grapes, it ud be a blessin' +to body an' sowl. Surely it ud be a good +deed to bring all this archypilago into the thrue +faith. Couldn't the chafe, now, take an army +out in his doubled-barrelled canoes, an' commince +the work av convarsion? Tell him if +he'll do that same, I'll grant him all the indulgences +he can think av."</p> + +<p>Another magical moment of these lightning-like +days brought about important events. +With an armament of scores of canoes and +hundreds of warriors the chief invaded a large +island, and was beaten in a bloody battle by its +painim inhabitants, escaping with but a remnant +of his followers. Then came a counter +invasion. The worshippers of Father Higgins +fought for their deity under his eye; the unbelievers +were defeated and driven with great +slaughter to their dug-outs. But as the hostile +fleet still held command of the sea and hovered +menacingly off the coast, keeping the faithful +under arms and preventing them from fishing, +the good Father decided that peace was necessary.</p> + +<p>"This livin' on coky-nuts and bread-fruits +intirely is bad for the stomich, Heller," he observed. +"We must come to an ondherstandin' +wid these raskilly infidels an' idolaters. See if +ye can't make tarms wid um."</p> + +<p>The adroit Heller soon arranged a secret +treaty with the enemy to the following effect: +Their chief, Umbaho, was to be universal king +and his orthodox rival, Patoo-patoo, was to be +beheaded; polygamy, cannibalism, and the use +of the sacred poison were to continue in force; +both islands were to adore Father Higgins and +bring him sacrifices.</p> + +<p>"Seems to me they're mighty sevare +tarms," commented the Father. "I'd 'a been +glad to get howld av a bit av timporal sovereighnty, +don't you see? Moreover, I'm +sorry about that poor divil, Patoo-patoo; he +was my first convart. Annyway, I'll give um +full absolution, so that death can't hurt um +sariously, an' I'll canonize him as a martyr. +Saint Patoo-patoo! If that don't satisfy um, +an' if he ain't willin' to die for the extinsion av +the faith, he's no thrue belayver, and desarves +no pity. So jist see to gettin' um off aisy."</p> + +<p>After another brief period of time, such as +periods of time were in these mysterious +islands, Father Higgins found himself the acknowledged +divinity of the whole archipelago.</p> + +<p>"This cannebalism an' polygamy an' the +like greatly distresses me, however," he confessed +to Heller. "Be moments I'm timpted +to unfold the naked truth, an' bring these paple +square up to the canons of the Church at wanst. +But it ud be risky. We read av times, ye +know, Heller, that God winked at. No doubt +it's me duty, as a divinity, to go on winkin' +at these polygamies an' cannebalisms a bit +longer. Slow an' aisy is me motto, an' I've +noticed it's the way of Providence mostly. +Sure it was so at home in Sableburg, ye know, +Heller; we didn't average a convart in twinty +years."</p> + +<p>Now ensued an event which troubled the +holy Father more than any thing that had yet +occurred during his episcopate. Two German +priests, Heller informed him, had landed on +one of the islands of the archipelago, and were +preaching the pure doctrines of the Christian +faith, denouncing cannibalism and polygamy, +and otherwise sapping the established religion.</p> + +<p>"Some av the New Catholics, I'll warrant +ye!" exclaimed Higgins, indignantly. "Some +of thim blatherskites av the Döllinger school, +come over here to stir up sedition in the Church, +as though they hadn't made worry enough in +the owld counthries. An' what business has +Dutchmen here, annyway, whin an Irishman +has begun the good worrk? They've no right +to take the labor of convartin' these haythins +out of me hands that a-way. Me conscience +won't allow me to permit such distarbances an' +innovations. See if ye can't get um to lave +the islands peaceable, Heller. If they won't, I +shall have to let Umbaho settle wid um afther +his fashion."</p> + +<p>An embassy to the missionaries having obtained +from them no other response than +that they would welcome martyrdom rather +than relinquish their labors, Umbaho was dispatched +against them at the head of a sufficient +army, with instructions to treat them as enemies +of Feejee and of the unity of the Church.</p> + +<p>But instead of slaughtering the missionaries, +Umbaho was converted by them. He renounced +cannibalism, polygamy, and the sacred +poison; he denied Father Higgins. Accompanied +by one of the Germans, he returned +to Feejee at the head of his army, bent on establishing +the true Christian faith.</p> + +<p>"We must press a lot av min, an' beat um," +responded the good Father, when Heller informed +him of the approach and purposes of +the chief. "Tell the faithful to give no quarter; +tell um to desthroy ivery wan of these schismatics; +an' as for the Dutchman, burrn him at the +stake, as they used to do in the good owld times."</p> + +<p>A great battle ensued; the adherents of +Higginsism were defeated and dispersed; the +door of the temple opened to Umbaho and the +German. Father Higgins, by this time a helpless +mass of fat, swaying perilously on his unsteady +platform, looked down upon them with +terror through the smoke of his altar.</p> + +<p>"Sacrilegious wretch!" cried the German, +God has put an end to thy mad and selfish and +wicked dominion."</p> + +<p>"I wish I had niver been a biship!" screamed +Father Higgins at the top of his voice, as he +rolled off the platform.</p> + +<p>All the way from the Cannibal Islands he +fell and tumbled and dropped, until, with a +dull thump, he alighted upon the floor of his +own study.</p> + +<p>"There! y' 'ave rolled out av yer chair +agen, Father Higgins," said his housekeeper, +who at that moment entered the room to order +him to bed, as was her merciful custom.</p> + +<p>"So I have," returned the Father, picking +himself up. "An' sarved me right, too. I +thought I was the biggest raskil on the face +av the earth. I wondher if it's true. The +Lord presarve me from the timptation av great +power, or I'll abuse it, an' abuse me felly-men +and the Church!"—<i>Harper's Magazine</i>, May, +1872.</p> + + + +<hr style="width: 65%;" /> +<h2><a name="JOHN_TOWNSEND_TROWBRIDGE" id="JOHN_TOWNSEND_TROWBRIDGE"></a>JOHN TOWNSEND TROWBRIDGE.</h2> + +<h2>(BORN, 1827.)</h2> + +<hr style='width: 45%;' /> + +<h2><a name="FRED_TROVERS_LITTLE_IRON_CLAD" id="FRED_TROVERS_LITTLE_IRON_CLAD"></a>FRED TROVER'S LITTLE IRON-CLAD.</h2> + + +<p>Did I never tell you the story? Is it +possible? Draw up your chair. Stick +of wood, Harry. Smoke?</p> + +<p>You've heard of my Uncle Popworth, +though. Why, yes! You've seen him;—the +eminently respectable elderly gentleman who +came one day last summer just as you were +going; book under his arm, you remember; +weed on his hat; dry smile on bland countenance; +tall, lank individual in very seedy black. +With him my tale begins; for if I had never +indulged in an Uncle Popworth I should never +have sported an Iron-Clad.</p> + +<p>Quite right, sir; his arrival <i>was</i> a surprise to +me. To know how great a surprise, you must +understand why I left city, friends, business, +and settled down in this quiet village. It was +chiefly, sir, to escape the fascinations of that +worthy old gentleman that I bought this place, +and took refuge here with my wife and little +ones. Here we had respite, respite and nepenthe +from our memories of Uncle Popworth; +here we used to sit down in the evening and +talk of the past with grateful and tranquil emotions, +as people speak of awful things endured +in days that are no more. To us the height of +human happiness was raising green corn and +strawberries, in a retired neighborhood where +uncles were unknown. But, sir, when that +Phantom, that Vampire, that Fate, loomed +before my vision that day, if you had said, +"Trover, I'll give ye sixpence for this neat +little box of yours," I should have said, +"Done!" with the trifling proviso that you +should take my uncle in the bargain.</p> + +<p>The matter with him? What indeed could +invest human flesh with such terrors,—what +but this? he was—he is—let me shriek it in +your ear—a bore—a BORE! of the most malignant +type; an intolerable, terrible, unmitigated +BORE!</p> + +<p>That book under his arm was a volume of +his own sermons;—nine hundred and ninety-nine +octavo pages, O Heaven! It wasn't +enough for him to preach and re-preach those +appalling discourses, but then the ruthless man +must go and print 'em! When I consider what +booksellers—worthy men, no doubt, many of +them, deserving well of their kind—he must +have talked nearly into a state of syncope +before ever he found one to give way, in a +moment of weakness, of utter exhaustion and +despair, and consent to publish him; and when +I reflect what numbers of inoffensive persons, +in the quiet walks of life, have been made to +suffer the infliction of that Bore's Own Book, I +pause, I stand aghast at the inscrutability of +Divine Providence.</p> + +<p>Don't think me profane, and don't for a +moment imagine I underrate the function of +the preacher. There's nothing better than a +good sermon,—one that puts new life into you. +But what of a sermon that takes life out of +you? instead of a spiritual fountain, a spiritual +sponge that absorbs your powers of body and +soul, so that the longer you listen the more +you are impoverished? A merely poor sermon +isn't so bad; you will find, if you are the right +kind of a hearer, that it will suggest something +better than itself; a good hen will lay to a bit of +earthen. But the discourse of your ministerial +vampire, fastening by some mystical process +upon the hearer who has life of his own,—though +not every one has that,—sucks and +sucks and sucks; and he is exhausted while the +preacher is refreshed. So it happens that your +born bore is never weary of his own boring; he +thrives upon it; while he seems to be giving, +he is mysteriously taking in—he is drinking +your blood.</p> + +<p>But you say nobody is obliged to <i>read</i> a sermon. +O my unsophisticated friend! if a man +will put his thoughts—or his words, if thoughts +are lacking—between covers,—spread his banquet, +and respectfully invite Public Taste to +partake of it, Public Taste being free to decline, +then your observation is sound. If an author +quietly buries himself in his book,—very good! +hic jacet; peace to his ashes!</p> + +<p> +<span style="margin-left: 12em;">"The times have been,</span><br /> +That, when the brains were out, the man would die,<br /> +And there an end; but now they rise again,"<br /> +</p> + +<p>as Macbeth observes, with some confusion of +syntax, excusable in a person of his circumstances. +Now, suppose they—or he—the man +whose brains are out—goes about with his +coffin under his arm, like my worthy uncle? +and suppose he blandly, politely, relentlessly +insists upon reading to you, out of that octavo +sarcophagus, passages which in his opinion +prove that he is not only not dead, but immortal? +If such a man be a stranger, snub +him; if a casual acquaintance, met in an evil +hour, there is still hope,—doors have locks, and +there are two sides to a street, and nearsightedness +is a blessing, and (as a last resort) buttons +may be sacrificed (you remember Lamb's story +of Coleridge), and left in the clutch of the fatal +fingers. But one of your own kindred, and very +respectable, adding the claim of misfortune to +his other claims upon you,—pachydermatous to +slights, smilingly persuasive, gently persistent,—as +imperturbable as a ship's wooden figurehead +through all the ups and downs of the +voyage of life, and as insensible to cold water;—in +short, an uncle like my uncle, whom there +was no getting rid of;—what the deuce would +you do?</p> + +<p>Exactly; run away as I did. There was +nothing else to be done, unless, indeed, I had +throttled the old gentleman; in which case I +am confident that one of our modern model +juries would have brought in the popular verdict +of justifiable insanity. But, being a peaceable +man, I was averse to extreme measures. +So I did the next best thing,—consulted my +wife, and retired to this village.</p> + +<p>Then consider the shock to my feelings when +I looked up that day and saw the enemy of our +peace stalking into our little Paradise with his +book under his arm and his carpet-bag in his +hand! coming with his sermons and his shirts, +prepared to stay a week—that is to say a year—that +is to say forever, if we would suffer him,—and +how was he to be hindered by any desperate +measures short of burning the house +down!</p> + +<p>"My dear nephew!" says he, striding toward +me with eager steps, as you perhaps remember, +smiling his eternally dry, leathery smile,—"Nephew +Frederick!"—and he held out both +hands to me, book in one and bag in t'other,—"I +am rejoiced! One would almost think you +had tried to hide away from your old uncle! +for I've been three days hunting you up. And +how is Dolly? she ought to be glad to see me, +after all the trouble I've had in finding you! +And, Nephew Frederick!—h'm!—can you lend +me three dollars for the hackman? for I don't +happen to have—thank you! I should have +been saved this if you had only known I was +stopping last night at a public house in the +next village, for I know how delighted you +would have been to drive over and fetch me!"</p> + +<p>If you were not already out of hearing, you +may have noticed that I made no reply to this +affecting speech. The old gentleman has grown +quite deaf of late years,—an infirmity which +was once a source of untold misery to his +friends, to whom he was constantly appealing +for their opinions, which they were obliged to +shout in his ear. But now, happily, the world +has about ceased responding to him, and he +has almost ceased to expect responses from the +world. He just catches your eye, and, when +he says, "Don't you think so, sir?" or, "What +is your opinion, sir?" an approving nod does +your business.</p> + +<p>The hackman paid, my dear uncle accompanied +me to the house, unfolding the catalogue +of his woes by the way. For he is one of those +worthy, unoffending persons, whom an ungrateful +world jostles and tramples upon,—whom unmerciful +disaster follows fast and follows faster. +In his younger days, he was settled over I +don't know how many different parishes; but +secret enmity pursued him everywhere, poisoning +the parochial mind against him, and driving +him relentlessly from place to place. Then he +relapsed into agencies, and went through a long +list of them, each terminating in flat failure, to +his ever-recurring surprise,—the simple old soul +never suspecting, to this day, who his one great, +tireless, terrible enemy is!</p> + +<p>I got him into the library, and went to talk +over this unexpected visit—or visitation—with +Dolly. She bore up under it more cheerfully +than could have been expected,—suppressed a +sigh,—and said she would go down and meet +him. She received him with a hospitable smile +(I verily believe that more of the world's +hypocrisy proceeds from too much good-nature +than from too little), and listened patiently to +his explanations.</p> + +<p>"You will observe that I have brought my +bag," says he, "for I knew you wouldn't let +me off for a day or two,—though I must positively +leave in a week,—in two weeks, at the +latest. I have brought my volume, too, for I +am contemplating a new edition" (he is always +contemplating a new edition, making that a +pretext for lugging the book about with him), +"and I wish to enjoy the advantages of your +and Frederick's criticism;—I anticipate some +good, comfortable, old-time talks over the old +book, Frederick!"</p> + +<p>We had invited some village friends to come +in and eat strawberries and cream with us that +afternoon; and the question arose, what should +be done with the old gentleman? Harry, who +is a lad of a rather lively fancy, coming in +while we were taking advantage of his great +uncle's deafness to discuss the subject in his +presence, proposed a pleasant expedient. +"Trot him out into the cornfield, introduce +him to the scarecrow, and let him talk to +that," says he, grinning up into the visitor's +face, who grinned down at him, no doubt thinking +what a wonderfully charming boy he was! +If he were as blind as he is deaf, he might have +been disposed of very comfortably in some such +ingenious way;—the scarecrow, or any other +lay figure, might have served to engage him in +one of his immortal monologues. As it was, +the suggestion bore fruit later, as you will see.</p> + +<p>While we were consulting—keeping up our +scattering fire of small-arms under the old +talker's heavy guns—our parish minister called,—old +Doctor Wortleby, for whom we have a +great liking and respect. Of course we had to +introduce him to Uncle Popworth,—for they +met face to face; and of course Uncle Popworth +fastened at once upon the brother clergyman. +Being my guest, Wortleby could do no +less than listen to Popworth, who is my uncle. +He listened with interest and sympathy for the +first half-hour; and then continued listening +for another half-hour, after his interest and +sympathy were exhausted. Then, attempting +to go, he got his hat, and sat with it in his +hand half an hour longer. Then he stood half +an hour on his poor old gouty feet, desperately +edging toward the door.</p> + +<p>"Ah, certainly," says he, with a weary smile, +repeatedly endeavoring to break the spell that +bound him. "I shall be most happy to hear +the conclusion of your remarks at some future +time" (even ministers can lie out of politeness); +"but just now—"</p> + +<p>"One word more, and I am done," cries my +Uncle Popworth, for the fiftieth time; and +Wortleby, in despair, sat down again.</p> + +<p>Then our friends arrived.</p> + +<p>Dolly and I, who had all the while been +benevolently wishing Wortleby would go, and +trying to help him off, now selfishly hoped he +would remain and share our entertainment—and +our Uncle Popworth.</p> + +<p>"I ought to have gone two hours ago," he +said, with a plaintive smile, in reply to our invitation; +"but, really, I am feeling the need of +a cup of tea" (and no wonder!) "and I think I +will stay."</p> + +<p>We cruelly wished that he might continue to +engage my uncle in conversation; but that +would have been too much to hope from the +sublime endurance of a martyr,—if ever there +was one more patient than he. Seeing the +Lintons and the Greggs arrive, he craftily +awaited his opportunity, and slipped off, to +give them a turn on the gridiron. First Linton +was secured; and you should have seen him +roll his mute, appealing orbs, as he settled +helplessly down under the infliction. Suddenly +he made a dash. "I am ignorant of these +matters," said he; "but Gregg understands +them;—Gregg will talk with you." But Gregg +took refuge behind the ladies. The ladies +receiving a hint from poor distressed Dolly, +scattered. But no artifice availed against the +dreadful man. Piazza, parlor, garden,—he +ranged everywhere, and was sure to seize a +victim.</p> + +<p>At last tea was ready, and we all went in. +The Lintons and Greggs are people of the +world, who would hardly have cared to wait for +a blessing on such lovely heaps of strawberries +and mugs of cream as they saw before them; +but, there being two clergymen at the table, +the ceremony was evidently expected. We +were placidly seated; there was a hush, agreeably +filled with the fragrance of the delicious +fruit: even my uncle Popworth, from long +habit, turned off his talk at that suggestive +moment: when I did what I thought a shrewd +thing. I knew too well my relative's long-windedness +at his devotions, as at everything +else (I wonder if Heaven itself isn't bored by +such fellows!)—I had suffered, I had seen my +guests suffer, too much from him already,—to +think of deliberately yielding him a fearful advantage +over us; so I coolly passed him by, and +gave an expressive nod to the old Doctor.</p> + +<p>Wortleby began; and I was congratulating +myself on my adroit management of a delicate +matter, when—conceive my consternation!—Popworth—not +to speak it profanely—followed +suit! The reverend egotist couldn't take in +the possibility of anybody but himself being +invited to say grace at our table, he being +present;—he hadn't noticed my nod to the +Doctor, and the Doctor's low, earnest voice +didn't reach him;—and there, with one blessing +going on one side of the table, he, as I said, +pitched in on the other! His eyes shut, his +hands spread over his plate, his elbows on the +board, his head bowed, he took care that grace +should abound with us for once! His mill +started, I knew there was no stopping it, and I +hoped Wortleby would desist. But he didn't +know his man. He seemed to feel that he had +the stroke-oar, and he pulled away manfully. +As Popworth lifted up his loud, nasal voice, the +old Doctor raised his voice, in the vain hope, I +suppose, of making himself heard by his lusty +competitor. If you have never had two blessings +running opposition at your table, in the +presence of invited guests, you can never imagine +how astounding, how killingly ludicrous +it was! I felt that both Linton and Gregg were +ready to tumble over, each in an apoplexy of +suppressed emotions; while I had recourse to +my handkerchief to hide my tears. At length, +poor Wortleby yielded to fate,—withdrew from +the unequal contest—hauled off—for repairs; +and the old seventy-two gun-ship thundered +away in triumph.</p> + +<p>At last (as there must be an end to everything +under the sun) my uncle came to a close; +and a moment of awful silence ensued, during +which no man durst look at another. But in +my weak and jelly-like condition I ventured a +glance at him, and noticed that he looked up +and around with an air of satisfaction at having +performed a solemn duty in a becoming +manner, blissfully unconscious of having run a +poor brother off the track. Seeing us all with +moist eyes and much affected,—two or three +handkerchiefs still going,—he no doubt flattered +himself that the pathetic touches in his prayer +had told.</p> + +<p>This will give you some idea of the kind of +man we had on our hands; and I won't risk +making myself as great a bore as he is, by attempting +a history of his stay with us; for I +remember I set out to tell you about my little +Iron-Clad. I'm coming to that.</p> + +<p>Suffice it to say, he stayed—he <i>stayed</i>—he +STAYED!—five mortal weeks; refusing to take +hints when they almost became kicks; driving +our friends from us, and ourselves almost to +distraction; his misfortunes alone protecting +him from a prompt and vigorous elimination: +when a happy chance helped me to a solution +of this awful problem of destiny.</p> + +<p>More than once I had recalled Harry's vivacious +suggestion of the scarecrow—if one +could only have been invented that would sit +composedly in a chair and nod when spoken +to! I was wishing for some such automaton, +to bear the brunt of the boring with which we +were afflicted, when one day there came a little +man into the garden, where I had taken +refuge.</p> + +<p>He was a short, swarthy, foreign-looking, +diminutive, stiff, rather comical fellow,—little +figure mostly head, little head mostly face, little +face mostly nose, which was by no means +little—a sort of human vegetable (to my horticultural +eye) running marvellously to seed in +that organ. The first thing I saw, on looking +up at the sound of footsteps, was the said nose +coming toward me, among the sweet-corn +tassels. Nose of a decidedly Hebraic cast,—the +bearer respectably dressed, though his +linen had an unwholesome sallowness, and his +cloth a shiny, much-brushed, second-hand appearance.</p> + +<p>Without a word he walks up to me, bows +solemnly, and pulls from his pocket (I thought +he was laying his hand on his heart) the familiar, +much-worn weapon of his class,—the +folded, torn yellow paper, ready to fall to +pieces as you open it,—in short, the respectable +beggar's certificate of character. With +another bow (which gave his nose the aspect +of the beak of a bird of prey making a pick at +me) he handed the document. I found that +it was dated in Milwaukee, and signed by the +mayor of that city, two physicians, three +clergymen, and an editor, who bore united +testimony to the fact that Jacob Menzel—I +think that was his name—the bearer, any way,—was +a deaf mute, and, considering that fact, +a prodigy of learning, being master of no less +than five different languages (a pathetic circumstance, +considering that he was unable to +speak one); moreover, that he was a converted +Jew; and, furthermore, a native of Germany, +who had come to this country in company with +two brothers, both of whom had died of cholera +in St. Louis in one day; in consequence of +which affliction, and his recent conversion, he +was now anxious to return to Fatherland, +where he proposed to devote his life to the +conversion of his brethren;—the upshot of all +which was that good Christians and charitable +souls everywhere were earnestly recommended +to aid the said Jacob Menzel in his pious undertaking.</p> + +<p>I was fumbling in my pocket for a little +change wherewith to dismiss him,—for that is +usually the easiest way of getting off your +premises and your conscience the applicant for +"aid," who is probably an impostor, yet possibly +not,—when my eye caught the words +(for I still held the document), "would be glad +of any employment which may help to pay his +way." The idea of finding employment for a +man of such a large nose and little body, such +extensive knowledge and diminutive legs—who +had mastered five languages yet could not +speak or understand a word of any one of them,—struck +me as rather pleasant, to say the least; +yet, after a moment's reflection,—wasn't he the +very thing I wanted, the manikin, the target for +my uncle?</p> + +<p>Meanwhile he was scribbling rapidly on a +small slate he had taken from his pocket. +With another bow (as if he had written something +wrong and was going to wipe it out with +his nose), he handed me the slate, on which I +found written in a neat hand half-a-dozen lines +in as many different languages,—English, Latin, +Hebrew, German, French, Greek,—each, as far +as I could make out, conveying the cheerful information +that he could communicate with me +in that particular tongue. I tried him in English, +French, and Latin, and I must acknowledge +that he stood the test; he then tried me In +Greek and Hebrew, and I as freely confess that +I didn't stand the test. He smiled intelligently, +nodded, and condescendingly returned +to the English tongue, writing quickly,—"I am +a poor exile from Fatherland, and I much need +friends."</p> + +<p>I wrote: "You wish employment?" He replied: +"I shall be much obliged for any service +I shall be capable to do,"—and passed me the +slate with a hopeful smile.</p> + +<p>"What can you do?" I asked. He answered: +"I copy the manuscripts, I translate from the +one language to others with some perfect exactitude, +I arrange the libraries, I make the catalogues, +I am capable to be any secretary." And +he looked up as if he saw in my eyes a vast +vista of catalogues, manuscripts, libraries, and +Fatherland at the end of it.</p> + +<p>"How would you like to be companion to +a literary man?" I inquired.</p> + +<p>He nodded expressively, and wrote: "I +should that like overall. But I speak and +hear not."</p> + +<p>"No matter," I replied. "You will only +have to sit and appear to listen, and nod occasionally."</p> + +<p>"You shall be the gentleman?" he asked +with a bright, pleased look.</p> + +<p>I explained to him that the gentleman was an +unfortunate connection of my family, whom we +could not regard as being quite in his right +mind.</p> + +<p>Jacob Menzel smiled, and touched his fore +head interrogatively.</p> + +<p>I nodded, adding on the slate,—"He is perfectly +harmless; but he can only be kept quiet +by having some person to talk and read to. He +will talk and read to you. He must not know +you are deaf. He is very deaf himself, and will +not expect you to reply." And, for a person +wishing a light and easy employment, I recommended +the situation.</p> + +<p>He wrote at once, "How much you pay?"</p> + +<p>"One dollar a day, and board you," I replied.</p> + +<p>He of the nose nodded eagerly at that, and +wrote, "Also you make to be washed my +shirt?"</p> + +<p>I agreed; and the bargain was closed. I got +him into the house, and gave him a bath, a +clean shirt, and complete instructions how to +act.</p> + +<p>The gravity with which he entered upon the +situation was astonishing. He didn't seem to +taste the slightest flavor of a joke in it all. +It was a simple matter of business; he saw in it +only money and Fatherland.</p> + +<p>Meanwhile I explained my intentions to Dolly, +saying in great glee: "His deafness is his +defence: the old three-decker may bang away at +him; he is IRON-CLAD!" And that suggested +the name we have called him by ever since.</p> + +<p>When he was ready for action, I took him in +tow, and ran him in to draw the Popworth's +fire—in other words, introduced him to my +uncle in the library. The meeting of my tall, +lank relative and the big-nosed little Jew was a +spectacle to cure a hypochondriac! "Mr. Jacob +Menzel—gentleman from Germany—travelling +in this country," I yelled in the old fellow's +ear. He of the diminutive legs and stupendous +nose bowed with perfect decorum, and seated +himself, stiff and erect, in the big chair I placed +for him. The avuncular countenance lighted +up: here were fresh woods and pastures new to +that ancient shepherd. As for myself, I was +wellnigh strangled by a cough which just then +seized me, and obliged to retreat,—for I never +was much of an actor, and the comedy of that +first interview was overpowering.</p> + +<p>As I passed the dining-room door, Dolly, who +was behind it, gave my arm a fearful pinch, that +answered, I supposed, in the place of a scream, +as a safety-valve for her hysterical emotions. +"O you cruel man—you miserable humbug!" +says she; and went off into convulsions of +laughter. The door was open, and we could +see and hear every thing.</p> + +<p>"You are travelling, h'm?" says my uncle. +The nose nodded duly. "H'm! I have travelled, +myself," the old gentleman proceeded; +"my life has been one of vicissitudes, h'm! I +have journeyed, I have preached, I have published;—perhaps +you have heard of my literary +venture"—and over went the big volume to the +little man, who took it, turned the leaves, and +nodded and smiled, according to instructions.</p> + +<p>"You are very kind to say so; thank you!" +says my uncle, rubbing his husky hands with +satisfaction. "Rejoiced to meet with you, +truly! It is always a gratification to have an +intelligent and sympathizing brother to open +one's mind to; it is especially refreshing to me, +for, as I may say without egotism, my life and +labors have <i>not</i> been appreciated."</p> + +<p>From that the old interminable story took its +start and flowed on, the faithful nose nodding +assent at every turn in that winding stream.</p> + +<p>The children came in for their share of the +fun; and for the first time in our lives we took +pleasure in the old gentleman's narration of his +varied experiences.</p> + +<p>"O hear him! see him go it!" said Robbie. +"What a nose!"</p> + +<p>"Long may it wave!" said Harry.</p> + +<p>With other remarks of a like genial nature; +while there they sat, the two,—my uncle on +one side, long, lathy, self-satisfied, gesticulating, +earnestly laying his case before a grave +jury of one, whom he was bound to convince, +if time would allow; my little Jew facing him, +upright in his chair, stiff, imperturbable, devoted +to business, honorably earning his money, the +nose in the air, immovable, except when it +played duly up and down at fitting intervals: +in which edifying employment I left them, and +went about my business, a cheerier man.</p> + +<p>Ah, what a relief it was to feel myself free +for a season from the attacks of the enemy—to +know that my plucky little Iron-Clad was engaging +him! In a hour I passed through the +hall again, heard the loud blatant voice still +discoursing (it had got as far as the difficulties +with the second parish), and saw the unflinching +nasal organ perform its graceful see-saw +of assent. An hour later it was the same,—except +that the speaker had arrived at the +persecutions which drove him from parish number +three. When I went to call them to dinner, +the scene had changed a little, for now the old +gentleman, pounding the table for a pulpit, was +reading aloud passages from a powerful farewell +sermon preached to his ungrateful parishioners. +I was sorry I couldn't give my man a +hint to use his handkerchief at the affecting +periods, for the nose can hardly be called a +sympathetic feature (unless indeed you blow it), +and these nods were becoming rather too mechanical, +except when the old gentleman switched +off on the argumentative track, as he frequently +did. "What think you of that?" he +would pause in his reading to inquire. "Isn't +that logic? isn't that unanswerable?" In responding +to which appeals nobody could have +done better than my serious, my devoted, my +lovely little Jew.</p> + +<p>"Dinner!" I shouted over my uncle's dickey. +It was almost the only word that had the +magic in it to rouse him from the feast of reason +which his own conversation was to him. It +was always easy to head him toward the dining-room—to +steer him into port for necessary +supplies. The little Iron-Clad followed in his +wake. At table, the old gentleman resumed +the account of his dealings with parish number +three, and got on as far as negotiations with +number four; occasionally stopping to eat his +soup or roast-beef very fast; at which time +Jacob Menzel, who was very much absorbed +in his dinner, but never permitted himself to +neglect business for pleasure, paused at the +proper intervals, with his spoon or fork half-way +to his mouth, and nodded,—just as if my +uncle had been speaking,—yielding assent to +his last remarks after mature consideration, no +doubt the old gentleman thought.</p> + +<p>The fun of the thing wore off after a while, +and then we experienced the solid advantages +of having an Iron-Clad in the house; Afternoon—evening—the +next day—my little man +of business performed his function promptly +and assiduously. But in the afternoon of the +second day he began to change perceptibly. +He wore an aspect of languor and melancholy +that alarmed me. The next morning he was +pale, and went to his work with an air of sorrowful +resignation.</p> + +<p>"He is thinking of Fatherland," said the sympathizing +Dolly; while Harry's less refined but +more sprightly comment was, that the nose had +about played out.</p> + +<p>Indeed it had almost ceased to wave; and I +feared that I was about to lose a most valuable +servant, whose place it would be impossible to +fill. Accordingly I wrote on a slip of paper, +which I sent in to him,"—</p> + +<p>"You have done well, and I raise your salary +to a dollar and a quarter a day. Your influence +over our unfortunate relative is soothing and +beneficial. Go on as you have begun,—continue +in well-doing, and merit the lasting gratitude +of an afflicted family."</p> + +<p>That seemed to cheer him a little—to wind +him up, as Harry said, and set the pendulum +swinging again. But it was not long before +the listlessness and low spirits returned; Menzel +showed a sad tendency to shirk his duty; +and before noon there came a crash.</p> + +<p>I was in the garden, when I heard a shriek +of rage and despair, and saw the little Jew +coming toward me with frantic gestures.</p> + +<p>"I yielt! I abandone! I take my moneys +and my shirt, and I go!" says he.</p> + +<p>I stood in perfect astonishment at hearing +the dumb speak; while he threw his arms +wildly above his head, exclaiming:</p> + +<p>"I am not teaf! I am not teaf! I am not +teaf! He is one terreeble mon! He vill haf +my life! So I go—I fly—I take my moneys +and my shirt—I leafe him, I leafe your house! +I vould earn honest living, but—Gott im himmel! +dieu des dieux! all de devils!" he shrieked, +mixing up several of his languages at once, in +his violent mental agitation.</p> + +<p>"Jacob Menzel!" said I, solemnly, "I little +thought I was having to do with an impostor!"</p> + +<p>"If I haf you deceive, I haf myself more +dan punish!" was his reply. "Now I resign +de position. I ask for de moneys and de shirt, +and I part!"</p> + +<p>Just then my uncle came up, amazed at his +new friend's sudden revolt and flight, and +anxious to finish up with his seventh parish. +"I vill hear no more of your six, of your +seven,—I know not how many parish!" +screamed the furious little Jew, turning on +him.</p> + +<p>"What means all this?" said my bewildered +uncle.</p> + +<p>"I tell you vat means it all!" the vindictive +little impostor, tiptoeing up to him, yelled at +his cheek. "I make not vell my affairs in your +country; I vould return to Faderlant; for conwenience +I carry dis pappeer. I come here; I +am suppose teaf; I accept de position to be +your companion, for if a man hear, you kill +him tead soon vid your book and your ten, +twenty parish! I hear! you kill me! and I go!"</p> + +<p>And, having obtained his moneys and his +shirt, he went. That is the last I ever saw of +my little Iron-Clad. I remember him with gratitude, +for he did me good service, and he had +but one fault, namely, that he was <i>not</i> iron-clad!</p> + +<p>As for my uncle, for the first time in his life, +I think, he said never a word, but stalked into +the house. Dolly soon came running out to +ask what was the matter; Popworth was actually +packing his carpet-bag! I called Andrew, and +ordered him to be in readiness with the buggy +to take the old gentleman over to the railroad.</p> + +<p>"What! going?" I cried, as my uncle presently +appeared, bearing his book and his baggage.</p> + +<p>"Nephew Frederick!" said he, "after this +treatment, can you ask me if am going?"</p> + +<p>"Really," I shouted, "it is not my fault that +the fellow proved an impostor. I employed him +with the best of intentions, for your—and our—good!" +"Nephew Frederick," said he, "this is insufferable; +you will regret it! I shall never—NEVER" +(as if he had been pronouncing my +doom)—"accept of your hospitalities again!"</p> + +<p>He did, however, accept some money which +I offered him, and likewise a seat in the buggy. +I watched his departure with joy and terror,—for +at any moment he might relent and stay +nor was I at ease in my mind until I saw Andrew +come riding back alone.</p> + +<p>We have never seen the old gentleman since +But last winter I received a letter from him +he wrote in a forgiving tone, to inform me that +he had been appointed chaplain in a prison, and +to ask for a loan of money to buy a suit of +clothes. I sent him fifty dollars and my congratulations. +I consider him eminently qualified +to fill the new situation. As a hardship +he can't be beat; and what are the rogues sent +to prison for, but to suffer punishment?</p> + +<p>Yes, it would be a joke if my little Iron-Clad +should end his career of imposture in that public +institution, and sit once more under my excellent +uncle! But I can't wish him any such +misfortune. His mission to us was one of mercy. +The place has been Paradise again, ever since +his visit.—<i>Scribners Magazine</i>, August, 1873.</p> + + + +<hr style="width: 65%;" /> +<h2><a name="OLIVER_BELL_BUNCE" id="OLIVER_BELL_BUNCE"></a>OLIVER BELL BUNCE.</h2> + +<h2>(BORN, 1828.)</h2> + +<hr style='width: 45%;' /> + +<h2><a name="MR_BLUFF_DISCOURSES_OF_THE_COUNTRY_AND_KINDRED_THEMES" id="MR_BLUFF_DISCOURSES_OF_THE_COUNTRY_AND_KINDRED_THEMES"></a>MR. BLUFF DISCOURSES OF THE COUNTRY +AND KINDRED THEMES.</h2> + +<p>(<i>In a Country Lane</i>.)</p> + +<p>BACHELOR BLUFF. +A LISTENER.</p> + + +<p>"The country," exclaimed Mr. Bluff, with +an air of candor and impartiality, +"is, I admit, a very necessary and sometimes +a very charming place. I thank Heaven for +the country when I eat my first green peas, +when the lettuce is crisp, when the potatoes are +delicate and mealy, when the well-fed poultry +comes to town, when the ruddy peach and the +purple grape salute me at the fruit-stands. I +love the country when I think of a mountain +ramble; when I am disposed to wander with +rod and reel along the forest-shadowed brook; +when the apple-orchards are in blossom; when +the hills blaze with autumn foliage. But I protest +against the dogmatism of rural people, +who claim all the cardinal and all the remaining +virtues for their rose-beds and cabbage-patches. +The town, sir, bestows felicities higher in character +than the country does; for men and +women, and the works of men and women, are +always worthier our love and concern than the +rocks and the hills ...</p> + +<p>—"Oh, yes! I have heard before of the +pleasures of the garden. Poets have sung, enthusiasts +have written, and old men have +dreamed of them since History began her +chronicles. But have the <i>pains</i> of the garden +ever been dwelt upon? Have people, now, +been entirely honest in what they have said +and written on this theme? When enthusiasts +have told us of their prize pears, their early +peas of supernatural tenderness, their asparagus, +and their roses, and their strawberries, +have they not hidden a good deal about their +worm-eaten plums—about their cherries that +were carried off by armies of burglarious birds; +about their potatoes that proved watery and +unpalatable; about their melons that fell victims +to their neighbors' fowls; about their +peaches that succumbed to the unexpected +raid of Jack Frost; about their grapes that fell +under the blight of mildew; about their green +corn that withered in the hill; about the +mighty host of failures that, if all were told, +would tower in high proportion above the few +much blazoned successes?</p> + +<p>"Who is it that says a garden is a standing +source of pleasure? Amend this, I say, by +asserting that a garden is a standing source of +discomfort and vexation ... A hopeless +restlessness, according to my observation, takes +possession of every amateur gardener. Discontent +abides in his soul. There is, indeed, so +much to be done, changed, rearranged, watched, +nursed, that the amateur gardener is really entitled +to praise and generous congratulations +when one of his thousand schemes comes to +fruition. We ought in pity to rejoice with him +over his big Lawton blackberries, and say +nothing of the cherries, and the pears, and the +peaches, that once were budding hopes, but +have gone the way of Moore's 'dear gazelle.' +Then the large expenditures which were needed +to bring about his triumph of the Lawtons. +'Those potatoes,' said an enthusiastic amateur +gardener to me once, 'cost twenty-five cents +apiece!' And they were very good potatoes, +too—almost equal to those that could be +bought in market at a dollar a bushel.</p> + +<p>"And then, amateur gardeners are feverishly +addicted to early rising. Men with gardens are +like those hard drinkers whose susceptibilities +are hopelessly blunted. Who but a man diverted +from the paths of honest feeling and +natural enjoyment, possessed of a demoniac +mania, lost to the peace and serenity of the +virtuous and the blessed, could find pleasure +amid the damps, and dews, and chills, and raw-edgedness +of a garden in the early morning, +absolutely find pleasure in saturated trousers, +in shoes swathed in moisture, in skies that are +gray and gloomy, in flowers that are, as Mantalini +would put it, 'demnition moist'? The +thing is incredible! Now, a garden, after the +sun has dried the paths, warmed the air, absorbed +the dew, is admissible. But a possession +that compels an early turning out into +fogs and discomforts deserves for this fact +alone the anathema of all rational beings.</p> + +<p>"I really believe, sir, that the literature of +the garden, so abundant everywhere, is written +in the interest of suburban land-owners. The +inviting one-sided picture so persistently held +up is only a covert bit of advertising, intended +to seduce away happy cockneys of the town—men +supremely contented with their attics, their +promenades in Fifth Avenue, their visits to +Central Park, where all is arranged for them +without their labor or concern, their evenings +at the music gardens, their soft morning slumbers, +which know no dreadful chills and dews! +How could a back-ache over the pea-bed compensate +for these felicities? How could sour +cherries, or half-ripe strawberries, or wet rosebuds, +even if they do come from one's own garden, +reward him for the lose of the ease and +the serene conscience of one who sings merrily +in the streets, and cares not whether worms +burrow, whether suns burn, whether birds steal, +whether winds overturn, whether droughts +destroy, whether floods drown, whether gardens +flourish, or not?"—<i>Bachelor Bluff: his Opinions, +Sentiments, and Disputations</i>.</p> + + + +<hr style="width: 65%;" /> +<h2><a name="CHARLES_DUDLEY_WARNER" id="CHARLES_DUDLEY_WARNER"></a>CHARLES DUDLEY WARNER.</h2> + +<h2>(BORN, 1829.)</h2> + +<hr style='width: 45%;' /> + +<h2><a name="GARDEN_ETHICS" id="GARDEN_ETHICS"></a>GARDEN ETHICS.</h2> + + +<p>I believe that I have found, if not +original sin, at least vegetable total depravity +in my garden; and it was there before +I went into it. It is the bunch-, or joint-, or +snake-grass,—whatever it is called. As I do +not know the names of all the weeds and plants, +I have to do as Adam did in his garden,—name +things as I find them. This grass has a slender, +beautiful stalk: and when you cut it down, or +pull up a long root of it, you fancy it is got rid +of; but in a day or two it will come up in the +same spot in half a dozen vigorous blades. +Cutting down and pulling up is what it thrives +on. Extermination rather helps it. If you +follow a slender white root, it will be found to +run under the ground until it meets another +slender white root; and you will soon unearth +a network of them, with a knot somewhere, +sending out dozens of sharp-pointed, healthy +shoots, every joint prepared to be an independent +life and plant. The only way to deal with +it is to take one part hoe and two parts fingers, +and carefully dig it out, not leaving a joint anywhere. +It will take a little time, say all summer, +to dig out thoroughly a small patch; but +if you once dig it out, and keep it out, you will +have no further trouble.</p> + +<p>I have said it was total depravity. Here it +is. If you attempt to pull up and root out sin +in you, which shows on the surface,—if it does +not show, you do not care for it,—you may +have noticed how it runs into an interior network +of sins, and an ever-sprouting branch of +these roots somewhere; and that you cannot +pull out one without making a general internal +disturbance, and rooting up your whole being. +I suppose it is less trouble to quietly cut them +off at the top—say once a week, on Sunday, +when you put on your religious clothes and +face,—so that no one will see them, and not try +to eradicate the network within.</p> + +<p><i>Remark</i>.—This moral vegetable figure is at +the service of any clergyman who will have the +manliness to come forward and help me at a +day's hoeing on my potatoes. None but the +orthodox need apply.</p> + +<p>I, however, believe in the intellectual, if not +the moral, qualities of vegetables, and especially +weeds. There was a worthless vine that (or +who) started up about midway between a grape-trellis +and a row of bean-poles, some three feet +from each, but a little nearer the trellis. When +it came out of the ground, it looked around to +see what it should do. The trellis was already +occupied. The bean-pole was empty. There was +evidently the a little best chance of light, air, +and sole proprietorship on the pole. And the vine +started for the pole, and began to climb it with +determination. Here was as distinct an act of +choice, of reason, as a boy exercises when he +goes into a forest, and, looking about, decides +which tree he will climb. And, besides, how +did the vine know enough to travel in exactly +the right direction, three feet, to find what it +wanted? This is intellect. The weeds, on the +other hand, have hateful moral qualities. To +cut down a weed is, therefore, to do a moral +action. I feel as if I were destroying a sin. +My hoe becomes an instrument of retributive +justice. I am an apostle of nature. This view +of the matter lends a dignity to the art of hoeing +which nothing else does, and lifts it into +the region of ethics. Hoeing becomes, not a +pastime, but a duty. And you get to regard it +so, as the days and the weeds lengthen.</p> + +<p><i>Observation</i>.—Nevertheless, what a man needs +in gardening is a cast-iron back, with a hinge in +it. The hoe is an ingenious instrument, calculated +to call out a great deal of strength at a +great disadvantage.</p> + +<p>The striped bug has come, the saddest of the +year. He is a moral double-ender, iron-clad at +that. He is unpleasant in two ways. He burrows +in the ground so that you cannot find him, +and he flies away so that you cannot catch him. +He is rather handsome, as bugs go, but utterly +dastardly, in that he gnaws the stem of the +plant close to the ground, and ruins it without +any apparent advantage to himself. I find him +on the hills of cucumbers (perhaps it will be a +cholera-year, and we shall not want any), the +squashes (small loss), and the melons (which +never ripen). The best way to deal with the +striped bug is to sit down by the hills, and +patiently watch for him. If you are spry, you +can annoy him. This, however, takes time. It +takes all day and part of the night. For he +flieth in the darkness, and wasteth at noonday. +If you get up before the dew is off the plants,—it +goes off very early,—you can sprinkle soot on +the plant (soot is my panacea: if I can get the +disease of a plant reduced to the necessity of +soot, I am all right); and soot is unpleasant to +the bug. But the best thing to do is set a toad +to catch the bugs. The toad at once establishes +the most intimate relations with the bug. It is +a pleasure to see such unity among the lower +animals. The difficulty is to make the toad +stay and watch the hill. If you know your +toad, it is all right. If you do not, you must +build a tight fence round the plants, which the +toad cannot jump over. This, however, introduces +a new element. I find that I have a +zoological garden on my hands. It is an unexpected +result of my little enterprise, which +never aspired to the completeness of the Paris +"Jardin des Plantes."—<i>My Summer in a +Garden</i>.</p> + + +<h2>THE PLUMBER.</h2> + +<p>Speaking of the philosophical temper, there +is no class of men whose society is to be more +desired for this quality than that of plumbers! +They are the most agreeable men I know; and +the boys in the business begin to be agreeable +very early. I suspect the secret of it is, that +they are agreeable by the hour. In the driest +days, my fountain became disabled: the pipe +was stopped up. A couple of plumbers, with +the implements of their craft, came out to view +the situation. There was a good deal of difference +of opinion about where the stoppage was. +I found the plumbers perfectly willing to sit +down and talk about it,—talk by the hour. +Some of their guesses and remarks were exceedingly +ingenious; and their general observations +on other subjects were excellent in their +way, and could hardly have been better if they +had been made by the job. The work dragged +a little,—as it is apt to do by the hour. The +plumbers had occasion to make me several +visits. Sometimes they would find, upon arrival, +that they had forgotten some indispensable +tool; and one would go back to the shop, +a mile and a half, after it; and his comrade +would await his return with the most exemplary +patience, and sit down and talk,—always by the +hour. I do not know but it is a habit to have +something wanted at the shop. They seemed +to me very good workmen, and always willing +to stop and talk about the job, or any thing +else, when I went near them. Nor had they +any of that impetuous hurry that is said to be +the bane of our American civilization. To their +credit be it said, that I never observed any +thing of it in them. They can afford to wait. +Two of them will sometimes wait nearly half +a day while a comrade goes for a tool. They +are patient and philosophical. It is a great +pleasure to meet such men. One only wishes +there was some work he could do for <i>them</i> by +the hour. There ought to be reciprocity. I +think they have very nearly solved the problem +of Life: it is to work for other people, +never for yourself, and get your pay by the +hour. You then have no anxiety, and little +work. If you do things by the job, you are +perpetually driven: the hours are scourges. If +you work by the hour, you gently sail on the +stream of Time, which is always bearing you +on to the haven of Pay, whether you make any +effort or not. Working by the hour tends to +make one moral. A plumber working by the +job, trying to unscrew a rusty, refractory nut, +in a cramped position, where the tongs continually +slipped off, would swear; but I never heard +one of them swear, or exhibit the least impatience +at such a vexation, working by the hour. +Nothing can move a man who is paid by the +hour. How sweet the flight of time seems to his +calm mind!—<i>My Summer in a Garden</i>.</p> + + + +<hr style="width: 65%;" /> +<h2><a name="FRANCES_LEE_PRATT" id="FRANCES_LEE_PRATT"></a>FRANCES LEE PRATT.</h2> + +<h2>(BORN, 1830.)</h2> + +<hr style='width: 45%;' /> + +<h2><a name="CAPTAIN_BENS_CHOICE" id="CAPTAIN_BENS_CHOICE"></a>CAPTAIN BEN'S CHOICE.</h2> + + +<p>An old red house on a rocky shore, with a +fisherman's blue boat rocking on the +bay, and two white sails glistening far away +over the water. Above, the blue, shining sky; +and below, the blue shining sea.</p> + +<p>"It seems clever to have a pleasant day," +said Mrs. Davids, sighing.</p> + +<p>Mrs. Davids said every thing with a sigh, and +now she wiped her eyes also on her calico apron. +She was a woman with a complexion like faded +sea-weed, who seemed always pitying herself.</p> + +<p>"I tell them," said she, "I have had real hard +luck. My husband is buried away off in California, +and my son died in the army, and he is +buried away down South. Neither one of them +is buried together."</p> + +<p>Then she sighed again. Twice, this time.</p> + +<p>"And so," she continued, taking out a pinch +of bayberry snuff, "I am left alone in the world. +<i>Alone</i>, I say! why, I've got a daughter, but she +is away out West. She is married to an engineer-man. +And I've got two grandchildren."</p> + +<p>Mrs. Davids took the pinch of bayberry and +shook her head, looking as though that was the +"hardest luck" of all.</p> + +<p>"Well, everybody has to have their pesters, +and you'll have to take yours," rejoined Miss +Persis Tame, taking a pinch of snuff—the real +Maccaboy—twice as large, with twice as fierce +an action. "I don't know what it is to bury +children, nor to lose a husband; I s'pose I +don't; but I know what it is to be jammed +round the world and not have a ruff to stick +my head under. I wish I had all the money +I ever spent travelling,—and <i>that's</i> twelve dollars," +she continued, regretfully.</p> + +<p>"Why in the world don't you marry and have +a home of your own," sighed Mrs. Davids.</p> + +<p>"Well, I don't <i>expect</i> to marry. I don't know +as I do at my time of life," responded the spinster. +"I rather guess my day for chances is +gone by."</p> + +<p>"You ain't such a dreadful sight older than +I am, though," replied Mrs. Davids, reflectively.</p> + +<p>"Not so old by two full years," returned +Miss Tame, taking another smart pinch of +snuff, as though it touched the empty spot in +her heart and did it good. "But <i>you</i> ain't looking +out for opportunities yet, I suppose."</p> + +<p>Mrs. Davids sighed, evasively. "We can't +tell what is before us. There is more than +one man in want of a wife."</p> + +<p>As though to point her words, Captain Ben +Lundy came in sight on the beach, his head +a long way forward and his shambling feet trying +in vain to keep up.</p> + +<p>"Thirteen months and a half since Lyddy +was buried," continued Mrs. Davids, accepting +this application to her words, "and there is +Captain Ben taking up with just what housekeeper +he can get, and <i>no</i> housekeeper at all. +It would be an excellent home for you, Persis. +Captain Ben always had the name of making a +kind husband."</p> + +<p>She sighed again, whether from regret for +the bereaved man, or for the multitude of +women bereft of such a husband.</p> + +<p>By this time Captain Ben's head was at the +door.</p> + +<p>"Morning!" said he, while his feet were coming +up. "Quite an accident down here below +the lighthouse last night. Schooner ran ashore +in the blow and broke all up into kindling-wood +in less than no time. Captain Tisdale's been +out looking for dead bodies ever since daylight."</p> + +<p>"I knowed it," sighed Mrs. Davids. "I +heard a rushing sound sometime about the +break of day that waked me out of a sound +sleep, and I knowed then there was a spirit +leaving its body. I heard it the night Davids +went, or I expect I did. It must have been +very nearly at that time."</p> + +<p>"Well, I guess it wasn't a spirit, last night," +said Captain Ben; "for as I was going on to +say, after searching back and forth, Captain +Tisdale came upon the folks, a man and a boy, +rolled up in their wet blankets asleep behind +the life-boat house. He said he felt like he +could shake them for staying out in the wet. +Wrecks always make for the lighthouse, so he +s'posed those ones were drowned to death, sure +enough."</p> + +<p>"Oh, then it couldn't have been them, I +was warned of!" returned Mrs. Davids, looking +as though she regretted it. "It was right over +my head, and I waked up just as the thing was +rushing past. You haven't heard, have you," +she continued, "whether or no there was any +other damage done by the gale?"</p> + +<p>"I don't know whether you would call it +damage exactly," returned Captain Ben; "but +Loizah Mullers got so scared she left me and +went home. She said she couldn't stay and +run the chance of another of our coast blows, +and off she trapsed."</p> + +<p>Mrs. Davids sighed like November. "So +you have some hard luck as well as myself. I +don't suppose you can <i>get</i> a housekeeper to +keep her long," said she, dismally.</p> + +<p>"Abel Grimes tells me it is enough sight +easier getting wives than housekeepers, and +I'm some of a mind to try that tack," replied +Captain Ben, smiling grimly.</p> + +<p>Mrs. Davids put up her hand to feel of her +back hair, and smoothed down her apron; +while Miss Persis Tame blushed like a withered +rose, and turned her eyes modestly out of +the window.</p> + +<p>"I am <i>so</i>. But the difficulty is, who will it +be? There are so many to select from it is +fairly bothersome," continued Captain Ben, +winking fast and looking as though he was +made of dry corncobs and hay.</p> + +<p>Miss Persis Tame turned about abruptly. +"The land alive!" she ejaculated with such +sudden emphasis that the dishes shook on their +shelves and Captain Ben in his chair. "It +makes me mad as a March hare to hear men +go on as though all they'd got to do was to +throw down their handkerchers to a woman, +and, no matter who, she'd spring and run to +pick it up. It is always 'Who will I marry?' +and not 'Who will marry me?'"</p> + +<p>"Why, there is twice the number of widders +that there is of widderers here at the P'int. +That was what was in my mind," said Captain +Ben, in a tone of meek apology. "There is +the Widow Keens, she that was Azubah Muchmore. +I don't know but what she would do; +Lyddy used to think every thing of her, and +she is a first-rate of a housekeeper."</p> + +<p>"Perhaps so," assented Mrs. Davids, dubiously. +"But she is troubled a sight with the +head complaint; I suppose you know she is. +That is against her."</p> + +<p>"Yes," assented Miss Tame. "The Muchmores +all have weak heads. And, too, the +Widow Keens, she's had a fall lately. She +was up in a chair cleaning her top buttery shelf, +and somehow one of the chair-leg's give way,—it +was loose or something, I expect,—and down +she went her whole heft. She keeps about, +but she goes with two staves."</p> + +<p>"I want to know if that is so," said Captain +Ben, his honest soul warming with sudden +sympathy. "The widder has seen a sight of +trouble."</p> + +<p>"Yes, she has lived through a good deal, +that woman has. I couldn't live through so +much, 'pears to me; but we don't know what +we can live through," rejoined Miss Tame.</p> + +<p>Captain Ben did not reply, but his ready feet +began to move to and fro restlessly; for his +heart, more ready yet, had already gone out +toward the unfortunate widow.</p> + +<p>"It is so bad for a woman to be alone," +said he to himself, shambling along the shingly +beach a moment after. "Nobody to mend her +chairs or split up her kindlings, or do a chore +for her; and she lame into the bargain. It is +<i>too</i> bad."</p> + +<p>"He has steered straight for the Widow +Keens's, as sure as A is apple-dumpling," remarked +Miss Persis, peering after him from the +window.</p> + +<p>"Well, I must admit I wouldn't have +thought of Captain Ben's being en-a-mored +after such a sickly piece of business. But men +never know what they want. Won't you just +hand me that gum-cam-phyer bottle, now you +are up? It is on that chest of drawers behind +you."</p> + +<p>"No more they don't," returned Miss Tame, +with a plaintive cadence, taking a sniff from +the camphor-bottle on the way. "However, I +don't begrutch him to her,—I don't know as I +do. It will make her a good hum, though, if +she concludes to make arrangements."</p> + +<p>Meantime, Captain Ben Lundy's head was +wellnigh to Mrs. Keens's door, for it was situated +only around the first sand-hill. She lived +in a little bit of a house that looked as though +it had been knocked together for a crockery-crate, +in the first place, with two windows and +a rude door thrown in as afterthoughts. In the +rear of this house was another tiny building, +something like a grown-up hen-coop; and this +was where Mrs. Keens carried on the business +bequeathed to her by her deceased husband, +along with five small children, and one not so +small. But, worse than that, one who was +"not altogether there," as the English say.</p> + +<p>She was about this business now, dressed in +a primitive sort of bloomer, with a wash-tub +and clothes-ringer before her, and an army of +bathing-suits of every kind and color flapping +wildly in the fresh sea air at one side.</p> + +<p>From a little farther on, mingling with the +sound of the beating surf, came the merry +voices of bathers,—boarders at the great hotels +on the hill.</p> + +<p>"Here you be! Hard at it!" said Captain +Ben, puffing around the corner like a portable +west-wind. I've understood you've had a +hurt. Is that so?"</p> + +<p>"Oh, no! Nothing to mention," returned +Mrs. Keens, turning about a face bright and +cheerful as the full moon; and throwing, as by +accident, a red bathing-suit over the two broomsticks +that leaned against her tub.</p> + +<p>Unlike Mrs. Davids, Mrs. Keens neither +pitied herself nor would allow anybody else to +do so.</p> + +<p>"Sho!" remarked Captain Ben, feeling defrauded. +He had counted on sacrificing himself +to his sympathies, but he didn't give up yet. +"You must see some pretty tough times 'pears +to me with such a parcel of little ones, and +only yourself to look to," said he, proceeding +awkwardly enough to hang the pile of wrung-out +clothes upon an empty line.</p> + +<p>"I don't complain," returned the widow, +bravely. "My children are not <i>teusome</i>; and +Jack, why you would be surprised to see how +many things Jack can do, for all he isn't quite +right."</p> + +<p>As she spoke thus with affectionate pride, +Jack came up wheeling a roughly made cart +filled with wet bathing clothes from the beach. +He looked up at sound of his mother's voice +with something of the dumb tenderness of an +intelligent dog. "Jack helps, Jack good boy," +said he, nodding with a happy smile.</p> + +<p>"Yes, Jack helps. We don't complain," repeated +the mother.</p> + +<p>"It would come handy, though, to have a +man around to see to things and kind o' provide, +wouldn't it, though?" persisted Captain +Ben.</p> + +<p>"Some might think so," replied Mrs. Keens, +stopping her wringer to reflect a little. "But +I haven't any wish to change my situation," +she added, decidedly, going on again with her +work.</p> + +<p>"Sure on 't?" persisted the Captain.</p> + +<p>"Certain," replied the widow.</p> + +<p>Captain Ben sighed. "I thought ma'be you +was having a hard row to hoe, and I thought +like enough—"</p> + +<p><i>What</i> he never said, excepting by a beseeching +glance at the cheerful widow, for just then +an interruption came from some people after +bathing-suits.</p> + +<p>So Captain Ben moved off with a dismal +countenance. But before he had gone far it +suddenly brightened. "It might not be for +the best," quoth he to himself, "Like enough +not. I was very careful not to commit myself, +and I am very glad I didn't." He smiled as he +reflected on his judicious wariness. "But, +however," he continued, "I might as well finish +up this business now. There is Rachel Doolittle. +Who knows but she'd make a likely wife? +Lyddy sot a good deal by her. She never had +a quilting or a sewing bee but what nothing +would do but she must give Rachel Doolittle +an invite. Yes; I wonder I never decided on +her before. She will be glad of a home sure +enough, for she haves to live around, as it were, +upon her brothers."</p> + +<p>Captain Ben's feet quickened themselves at +these thoughts, and had almost overtaken his +head, when behold! at a sudden turn in the +road there stood Miss Rachel Doolittle, picking +barberries from a wayside bush. "My sakes! +If she ain't right here, like Rachel in the +Bible!" ejaculated Captain Ben, taking heart +at the omen.</p> + +<p>Miss Doolittle looked up from under her tied-down +brown hat in surprise at such a salutation. +But her surprise was increased by Captain +Ben's next remark.</p> + +<p>"It just came into my mind," said he, "that +you was the right one to take Lyddy's place. +You two used to be such great knit-ups that it +will seem 'most like having Lyddy back again. +No," he continued, after a little reflection, "I +don't know of anybody I had rather see sitting +in Lyddy's chair and wearing Lyddy's things +than yourself."</p> + +<p>"Dear me, Captain Lundy, I couldn't think +of it. Paul's folks expect me to stay with them +while the boarder-season lasts, and I've as good +as promised Jacob's wife I'll spend the winter +with her."</p> + +<p>"Ain't that a hard life you are laying out for +yourself? And then bum-by you will get old or +sick ma' be, and who is going to want you +around then? Every woman needs a husband +of her own to take care of her."</p> + +<p>"I'm able to take care of myself as yet, +thanks to goodness! And I am not afraid my +brothers will see me suffer in case of sickness," +returned Miss Doolittle, her cheeks flaming up +like a sumach in October.</p> + +<p>"But hadn't you better take a little time to +think it over? Ma' be it come sudden to you," +pleaded Captain Ben.</p> + +<p>"No, I thank you. Some things don't need +thinking over," answered Miss Doolittle, plucking +at the barberries more diligently than ever.</p> + +<p>"I wish Lyddy was here. She would convince +you you were standing in your own +light," returned Lyddy's widower in a perplexed +tone.</p> + +<p>"I don't need one to come from the dead to +show me my own mind," retorted Miss Doolittle, +firmly.</p> + +<p>"Well, like enough you are right," said Captain +Ben, mildly, putting a few stems of barberries +in her pail; "ma' be it wouldn't be +best. I don't want to be rash."</p> + +<p>And with that he moved off, on the whole +congratulating himself he had not decided to +marry Miss Doolittle.</p> + +<p>"I thought after she commenced her miserable +gift of the gab, that Lyddy used to be +free to admit she had a fiery tongue, for all +they were such friends. And I'm all for peace +myself. I guess, on the whole, ma' be she ain't +the one for me, perhaps, and it is as well to look +further. <i>Why</i>! what in <i>the</i> world! Well, there! +what have I been thinking of? There is Mrs. +Davids, as neat as a new cent, and the master +hand to save. She is always taking on; and +she will be glad enough to have somebody to +look out for her,—why, sure enough! And +there I was right at her house this very day, +and never once thought of her! What an old +dunce!"</p> + +<p>But, fortunately, this not being a sin of +commission, it could easily be rectified; and +directly Captain Ben had turned about and +was trotting again toward the red house on +the beach.</p> + +<p>"Pound for pound of the best white sugar," +he heard Miss Tame say as he neared the door.</p> + +<p>"White, sugar!" repeated Mrs. Davids, her +usual sigh drawn out into a little groan. "<i>White</i> +sugar for <i>cram</i> berries! Who ever heard of such +a thing? I've always considered I did well +when I had plenty of brown."</p> + +<p>"Poor creeter!" thought Captain Ben. +"How she will enjoy getting into my pantry. +Lyddy never complained that she didn't have +enough of every thing to do <i>with</i>"</p> + +<p>And in the full ardor of his intended benevolence, +he went right in and opened the subject +at once. But, to his astonishment, Mrs. Davids +refused him. She sighed, but she refused him.</p> + +<p>"I've seen trouble enough a'ready, without +my rushing into more with my eyes wide open," +sighed she.</p> + +<p>"Trouble? Why, that is just what I was +meaning to save you!" exclaimed the bewildered +widower. "Pump right in the house, +and stove e'enamost new. And Lyddy never +knew what it was to want for a spoonful of +sugar or a pound of flour. And such a <i>handy</i> +buttery and sink! Lyddy used to say she felt +the worst about leaving her buttery of any +thing."</p> + +<p>"Should thought she would," answered Mrs. +Davids, forgetting to sigh. "However, I can't +say that I feel any hankering after marrying a +buttery. I've got buttery-room enough here, +without the trouble of getting set up in a new +place."</p> + +<p>"Just as you say," returned the rejected. "I +ain't sure as you'd be exactly the one. I <i>was</i> +a thinking of looking for somebody a little +younger."</p> + +<p>"Well, here is Persis Tame. Why don't you +bespeak her? <i>She</i> is younger, and she is in +need of a good home. I can recommend her, +too, as the first-rate of a cook," remarked Mrs. +Davids, benevolently.</p> + +<p>Miss Tame had been sitting a little apart by +the open window, smiling to herself.</p> + +<p>But now she turned about at once. "Hm!" +said she, with contempt. "I should rather live +under an umbrella tied to a stake, than marry +for a <i>hum</i>."</p> + +<p>So Captain Ben went home without engaging +either wife or housekeeper.</p> + +<p>And the first thing he saw was Captain Jacob +Doolittle's old one-eyed horse eating the apples +Loizah Mullers had strung and festooned from +nails against the house, to dry.</p> + +<p>The next thing he saw was, that, having left +a window open, the hens had flown in and gone +to housekeeping on their own account. But +they were not, like Mrs. Davids, as neat as a +new cent, and <i>not</i>, also, such master hands to +save.</p> + +<p>"Shoo! shoo! Get out. Go 'long there +with you!" cried Captain Ben, waving the +dish-cloth and the poker. "I declare for 't! +I most hadn't ought to have left that bread +out on the table. They've made a pretty +mess of it, and it is every spec there is in the +house too. Well, I must make a do of potatoes +for supper, with a bit of pie and a mouthful +of cake."</p> + +<p>Accordingly he went to work building a fire +that wouldn't burn. Then, forgetting the simple +matter of dampers, the potatoes wouldn't +bake. The tea-kettle boiled over and cracked +the stove, and after that boiled dry and cracked +itself. Finally the potatoes fell to baking with +so much ardor that they overdid it and burnt +up. And, last of all, the cake-jar and pie-cupboard +proved to be entirely empty. Loizah had +left on the eve of baking-day.</p> + +<p>"The old cat! Well, I'd just as soon live +on slapjacks a spell," said Captain Ben, when he +made this discovery.</p> + +<p>But even slapjacks palled on his palate, especially +when he had them always to cook for +himself.</p> + +<p>"'T ain't no way to live, this ain't," said he +at last. "I'm a good mind to marry as ever +I had to eat."</p> + +<p>So he put on his hat and walked out. The +first person he met was Miss Persis Tame, who +turned her back and fell to picking thoroughwort +blossoms as he came up.</p> + +<p>"Look a here," said he, stopping short, "I'm +dreadful put to 't. I can't get ne'er a wife nor +ne'er a housekeeper, and I am e'enamost starved +to death. I wish you <i>would</i> consent to marry +with me, if you feel as if you could bring +your mind to it. I am sure it would have been +Lyddy's wish."</p> + +<p>Miss Tame smelt of the thoroughwort blossoms.</p> + +<p>"It comes pretty sudden on me," she replied. +"I hadn't given the subject any thought. But +you <i>are</i> to be pitied in your situation."</p> + +<p>"Yes. And I'm dreadful lonesome. I've +always been used to having Lyddy to talk over +things with, and I miss her a sight. And I +don't know anybody that has her ways more +than you have. You are a good deal such +a built woman, and you have the same hitch to +your shoulders when you walk. You've got +something the same look to your eyes, too; I +noticed it last Sunday in meeting-time," continued +the widower, anxiously.</p> + +<p>"I do feel for you. A man alone is in a deplorable +situation," replied Miss Tame. "I'm +sure I'd do any thing in my power to help +you."</p> + +<p>"Well, marry with me then. That is what I +want. We could be real comfortable together. +I'll go for the license this minute, and we'll +be married right away," returned the impatient +suitor. "You go up to Elder Crane's, and I'll +meet you there as soon as I can fetch around."</p> + +<p>Then he hurried away, "without giving me a +chance to say 'no,'" said "she that was" Persis +Tame, afterward. "So I <i>had</i> to marry with him, +as you might say. But I've never seen cause +to regret it, I've got a first-rate of a hum, +and Captain Ben makes a first-rate of a husband. +And no hain't he, I hope, found cause +to regret it," she added, with a touch of wifely +pride; "though I do expect he might have had +his pick among all the single women at the +Point; but out of them all he chose <i>me</i>."—<i>The +Atlantic Monthly</i>, March, 1870.</p> + + + +<hr style="width: 65%;" /> +<h2><a name="LOUISA_MAY_ALCOTT" id="LOUISA_MAY_ALCOTT"></a>LOUISA MAY ALCOTT.</h2> + +<h2>(BORN, 1832.)</h2> + +<hr style='width: 45%;' /> + +<h2><a name="STREET_SCENES_IN_WASHINGTON" id="STREET_SCENES_IN_WASHINGTON"></a>STREET SCENES IN WASHINGTON.</h2> + + +<p>The mules were my especial delight; and +an hour's study of a constant succession +of them introduced me to many of their characteristics; +for six of these odd little beasts +drew each army wagon, and went hopping like +frogs through the stream of mud that gently +rolled along the street. The coquettish mule +had small feet, a nicely trimmed tassel of a tail, +perked-up ears, and seemed much given to little +tosses of the head, affected skips and prances; +and, if he wore the bells, or were bedizened +with a bit of finery, put on as many airs as any +belle. The moral mule was a stout, hardworking +creature, always tugging with all his +might; often pulling away after the rest had +stopped, laboring under the conscientious delusion +that food for the entire army depended +upon his private exertions. I respected this +style of mule; and, had I possessed a juicy cabbage, +would have pressed it upon him, with +thanks for his excellent example. The histrionic +mule was a melodramatic quadruped, prone to +startling humanity by erratic leaps, and wild +plunges, much shaking of his stubborn head, +and lashing out of his vicious heels; now and +then falling flat, and apparently dying <i>a la</i> +Forrest; a gasp—a squirm—a flop, and so on, +till the street was well blocked up, the drivers +all swearing like demons in bad hats, and the +chief actor's circulation decidedly quickened by +every variety of kick, cuff, jerk, and haul. +When the last breath seemed to have left his +body, and "doctors were in vain," a sudden +resurrection took place; and if ever a mule +laughed with scornful triumph, that was the +beast, as he leisurely rose, gave a comfortable +shake, and, calmly regarding the excited crowd +seemed to say—"A hit! a decided hit! for the +stupidest of animals has bamboozled a dozen +men. Now, then! what are <i>you</i> stopping the +way for?" The pathetic mule was, perhaps, +the most interesting of all; for, though he +always seemed to be the smallest, thinnest, +weakest of the six, the postillion, with big +boots, long-tailed coat, and heavy whip, was +sure to bestride this one, who struggled feebly +along, head down, coat muddy and rough, eye +spiritless and sad, his very tail a mortified +stump, and the whole beast a picture of meek +misery, fit to touch a heart of stone. The +jovial mule was a roly poly, happy-go-lucky +little piece of horse-flesh, taking every thing +easily, from cudgeling to caressing; strolling +along with a roguish twinkle of the eye, and, if +the thing were possible, would have had his +hands in his pockets, and whistled as he went. +If there ever chanced to be an apple core, a +stray turnip, or wisp of hay, in the gutter, this +Mark Tapley was sure to find it, and none of +his mates seemed to begrudge him his bite. +I suspected this fellow was the peacemaker, +confidant, and friend of all the others, for he +had a sort of "Cheer-up,-old-boy,-I'll-pull-you-through" +look, which was exceedingly engaging.</p> + +<p>Pigs also possessed attractions for me, never +having had an opportunity of observing their +graces of mind and manner, till I came to +Washington, whose porcine citizens appeared +to enjoy a larger liberty than many of its +human ones. Stout, sedate-looking pigs, hurried +by each morning to their places of business, +with a preoccupied air, and sonorous +greeting to their friends. Genteel pigs, with +an extra curl to their tails, promenaded in pairs, +lunching here and there, like gentlemen of +leisure. Rowdy pigs pushed the passers-by off +the sidewalk; tipsy pigs hiccoughed their version +of "We won't go home till morning," from +the gutter; and delicate young pigs tripped +daintily through the mud, as if they plumed +themselves upon their ankles, and kept themselves +particularly neat in point of stockings. +Maternal pigs, with their interesting families, +strolled by in the sun; and often the pink, +baby-like squealers lay down for a nap, with a +trust in Providence worthy of human imitation.—<i>Hospital +Sketches</i>.</p> + + +<h2><a name="SELECTIONS_FROM_TRANSCENDENTAL_WILD_OATS" id="SELECTIONS_FROM_TRANSCENDENTAL_WILD_OATS"></a>SELECTIONS FROM TRANSCENDENTAL WILD OATS.</h2> + +<p>On the first day of June, 184-, a large wagon, +drawn by a small horse, and containing a motley +load, went lumbering over certain New England +hills, with the pleasing accompaniments of +wind, rain, and hail. A serene man with a +serene child upon his knee was driving, or +rather being driven, for the small horse had it +all his own way. A brown boy with a William +Penn style of countenance sat beside him, +firmly embracing a bust of Socrates. Behind +them was an energetic-looking woman, with a +benevolent brow, satirical mouth, and eyes +brimful of hope and courage. A baby reposed +upon her lap, a mirror leaned against her knee, +and a basket of provisions danced about at her +feet, as she struggled with a large, unruly umbrella. +Two blue-eyed little girls, with hands +full of childish treasures, sat under one old +shawl, chatting happily together.</p> + +<p>In front of this lively party stalked a tall, +sharp-featured man, in a long blue cloak; and a +fourth small girl trudged along beside him +through the mud as if she rather enjoyed it.</p> + +<p>The wind whistled over the bleak hills; the +rain fell in a despondent drizzle, and twilight +began to fall. But the calm man gazed as +tranquilly into the fog as if he beheld a radiant +bow of promise spanning the gray sky. The +cheery woman tried to cover every one but herself +with the big umbrella. The brown boy +pillowed his head on the bald pate of Socrates +and slumbered peacefully. The little girls sang +lullabies to their dolls in soft, maternal murmers. +The sharp-nosed pedestrian marched steadily +on, with the blue cloak streaming out behind him +like a banner; and the lively infant splashed +through the puddles with a duck-like satisfaction +pleasant to behold.</p> + +<p>Thus these modern pilgrims journeyed hopefully +out of the old world, to found a new one +in the wilderness.</p> + +<p>The editors of "The Transcendental Tripod" +had received from Messrs. Lion & Lamb (two +of the aforesaid pilgrims) a communication +from which the following statement is an extract:</p> + +<p>"We have made arrangements with the proprietor +of an estate of about a hundred acres +which liberates this tract from human ownership. +Here we shall prosecute our effort to +initiate a Family in harmony with the primitive +instincts of man.</p> + +<p>"Ordinary secular farming is not our object. +Fruit, grain, pulse, herbs, flax, and other vegetable +products, receiving assiduous attention, +will afford ample manual occupation, and +chaste supplies for the bodily needs. It is intended +to adorn the pastures with orchards, +and to supersede the labor of cattle by the +spade and the pruning-knife.</p> + +<p>"Consecrated to human freedom, the land +awaits the sober culture of devoted men. Beginning +with small pecuniary means, this enterprise +must be rooted on a reliance on the succors +of an over-bounteous Providence, whose +vital affinities being secured by this union with +uncorrupted field and unwordly persons, the +cares and injuries of a life of gain are avoided.</p> + +<p>"The inner nature of each member of the +Family is at no time neglected. Our plan contemplates +all such disciplines, cultures, and +habits as evidently conduce to the purifying +of the inmates.</p> + +<p>"Pledged to the spirit alone, the founders +anticipate no hasty or numerous addition to +their numbers. The kingdom of peace is entered +only through the gates of self-denial; and +felicity is the test and the reward of loyalty to +the unswerving law of Love."</p> + +<p>This prospective Eden at present consisted of +an old red farm-house, a dilapidated barn, many +acres of meadow-land, and a grove. Ten ancient +apple-trees were all the "chaste supply" which +the place offered as yet; but, in the firm belief +that plenteous orchards were soon to be evoked +from their inner consciousness, these sanguine +founders had christened their domain Fruitlands.</p> + +<p>Here Timon Lion intended to found a colony +of Latter Day Saints, who, under his patriarchal +sway, should regenerate the world and glorify +his name for ever. Here Abel Lamb, with the +devoutest faith in the high ideal which was to +him a living truth, desired to plant a Paradise, +where Beauty, Virtue, Justice, and Love might +live happily together, without the possibility of +a serpent entering in. And here his wife, unconverted +but faithful to the end, hoped, after +many wanderings over the face of the earth, +to find rest for herself and a home for her +children.</p> + +<p>"There is our new abode," anounced the +enthusiast, smiling with the satisfaction quite +undamped by the drops dripping from his +hat-brim, as they turned at length into a cart-path +that wound along a steep hillside into a +barren-looking valley.</p> + +<p>"A little difficult of access," observed his +practical wife, as she endeavored to keep her +various household gods from going overboard +with every lurch of the laden ark.</p> + +<p>"Like all good things. But those who earnestly +desire and patiently seek will soon find +us," placidly responded the philosopher from +the mud, through which he was now endeavoring +to pilot the much-enduring horse.</p> + +<p>"Truth lies at the bottom of a well, Sister +Hope," said Brother Timon, pausing to detach +his small comrade from a gate, whereon she was +perched for a clearer gaze into futurity.</p> + +<p>"That's the reason we so seldom get at it, I +suppose," replied Mrs. Hope, making a vain +clutch at the mirror, which a sudden jolt sent +flying out of her hands.</p> + +<p>"We want no false reflections here," said +Timon, with a grim smile, as he crunched the +fragments under foot in his onward march.</p> + +<p>Sister Hope held her peace, and looked wistfully +through the mist at her promised home. +The old red house with a hospitable glimmer at +its windows cheered her eyes; and, considering +the weather, was a fitter refuge than the sylvan +bowers some of the more ardent souls might +have preferred.</p> + +<p>The new-comers were welcomed by one of +the elect precious,—a regenerate farmer, whose +idea of reform consisted chiefly in wearing white +cotton raiment and shoes of untanned leather. +This costume, with a snowy beard, gave him a +venerable, and at the same time a somewhat +bridal appearance.</p> + +<p>The goods and chattels of the Society not +having arrived, the weary family reposed before +the fire on blocks of wood, while Brother +Moses White regaled them with roasted potatoes, +brown bread and water, in two plates, +a tin pan, and one mug; his table service being +limited. But, having cast the forms and vanities +of a depraved world behind them, the elders +welcomed hardship with the enthusiasm of +new pioneers, and the children heartily enjoyed +this foretaste of what they believed was to be a +sort of perpetual picnic.</p> + +<p>During the progress of this frugal meal, two +more brothers appeared. One a dark, melancholy +man, clad in homespun, whose peculiar +mission was to turn his name hind part before +and use as few words as possible. The other +was a bland, bearded Englishman, who expected +to be saved by eating uncooked food +and going without clothes. He had not yet +adopted the primitive costume, however; but +contented himself with meditatively chewing +dry beans out of a basket.</p> + +<p>"Every meal should be a sacrament, and the +vessels used should be beautiful and symbolical," +observed Brother Lamb, mildly, righting +the tin pan slipping about on his knees. "I +priced a silver service when in town, but it was +too costly; so I got some graceful cups and +vases of Britannia ware."</p> + +<p>"Hardest things in the world to keep bright. +Will whiting be allowed in the community?" +inquired Sister Hope, with a housewife's interest +in labor-saving institutions.</p> + +<p>"Such trivial questions will be discussed at a +more fitting time," answered Brother Timon, +sharply, as he burnt his fingers with a very hot +potato. "Neither sugar, molasses, milk, butter, +cheese, nor flesh are to be used among us, +for nothing is to be admitted which has caused +wrong or death to man or beast."</p> + +<p>"Our garments are to be linen till we learn +to raise our own cotton or some substitute for +woollen fabrics," added Brother Abel, blissfully +basking in an imaginary future as warm and +brilliant as the generous fire before him.</p> + +<p>"Haou abaout shoes?" asked Brother Moses, +surveying his own with interest.</p> + +<p>"We must yield that point till we can +manufacture an innocent substitute for leather. +Bark, wood, or some durable fabric will be invented +in time. Meanwhile, those who desire +to carry out our idea to the fullest extent can +go barefooted," said Lion, who liked extreme +measures.</p> + +<p>"I never will, nor let my girls," murmured +rebellious Sister Hope, under her breath.</p> + +<p>"Haou do you cattle'ate to treat the ten-acre +lot? Ef things ain't 'tended to right +smart, we sha'n't hev no crops," observed the +practical patriarch in cotton.</p> + +<p>"We shall spade it," replied Abel, in such +perfect good faith that Moses said no more, +though he indulged in a shake of the head as he +glanced at hands that held nothing heavier than +a pen for years. He was a paternal old soul +and regarded the younger men as promising +boys on a new sort of lark.</p> + +<p>"What shall we do for lamps, if we cannot +use any animal substance? I do hope light of +some sort is to be thrown upon the enterprise," +said Mrs. Lamb, with anxiety, for in those days +kerosene and camphene were not, and gas was +unknown in the wilderness.</p> + +<p>"We shall go without till we have discovered +some vegetable oil or wax to serve us," replied +Brother Timon, in a decided tone, which caused +Sister Hope to resolve that her private lamp +should be always trimmed, if not burning.</p> + +<p>"Each member is to perform the work for +which experience, strength, and taste best fit +him," continued Dictator Lion. "Thus drudgery +and disorder will be avoided and harmony +prevail. We shall rise at dawn, begin the day +by bathing, followed by music, and then a +chaste repast of fruit and bread. Each one +finds congenial occupation till the meridian +meal; when some deep-searching conversation +gives rest to the body, and development to the +mind. Healthful labor again engages us till +the last meal, when we assemble in social communion, +prolonged till sunset, when we retire +to sweet repose, ready for the next day's +activity."</p> + +<p>"What part of the work do you incline to +yourself?" asked Sister Hope, with a humorous +glimmer in her keen eyes.</p> + +<p>"I shall wait till it is made clear to me. +Being in preference to doing is the great aim, +and this comes to us rather by a resigned willingness +than a wilful activity, which is a +check to all divine growth," responded Brother +Timon.</p> + +<p>"I thought so," and Mrs. Lamb sighed +audibly, for during the year he had spent in her +family, Brother Timon had so faithfully carried +out his idea of "being, not doing," that she +had found his "divine growth" both an expensive +and unsatisfactory process.</p> + +<p>Here her husband struck into the conversation, +his face shining with the light and joy of +the splendid dreams and high ideals hovering +before him.</p> + +<p>"In these steps of reform, we do not rely so +much on scientific reasoning or physiological +skill as on the spirit's dictates. The greater +part of man's duty consists in leaving alone +much that he now does. Shall I stimulate with +tea, coffee, or wine? No. Shall I consume +flesh? Not if I value health. Shall I subjugate +cattle? Shall I claim property in any created +thing? Shall I trade? Shall I adopt a +form of religion? Shall I interest myself in +politics? To how many of these questions—could +we ask them deeply enough and could +they be heard as having relation to our eternal +welfare—would the response be 'Abstain'?"</p> + +<p>A mild snore seemed to echo the last word +of Abel's rhapsody, for Brother Moses had succumbed +to mundane slumber, and sat nodding +like a massive ghost. Forest Absalom, the +silent man, and John Pease, the English member, +now departed to the barn; and Mrs. Lamb +led her flock to a temporary fold, leaving the +founders of the "Consociate Family" to build +castles in the air till the fire went out and the +symposium ended in smoke.</p> + +<p>The furniture arrived next day, and was soon +bestowed; for the principal property of the +community consisted in books. To this rare +library was devoted the best room in the house, +and the few busts and pictures that still survived +many flittings were added to beautify +the sanctuary, for here the family was to meet +for amusement, instruction, and worship.</p> + +<p>Any housewife can imagine the emotions of +Sister Hope, when she took possession of a +large, dilapidated kitchen, containing an old +stove and the peculiar stores out of which food +was to be evolved for her little family of eleven. +Cakes of maple sugar, dried peas and beans, +barley and hominy, meal of all sorts, potatoes, +and dried fruit. No milk, butter, cheese, tea, +or meat appeared. Even salt was considered a +useless luxury, and spice entirely forbidden by +these lovers of Spartan simplicity. A ten years' +experience of vegetarian vagaries had been +good training for this new freak, and her sense +of the ludicrous supported her through many +trying scenes.</p> + +<p>Unleavened bread, porridge, and water for +breakfast; bread, vegetables, and water for +dinner; bread, fruit, and water for supper was +the bill of fare ordained by the elders. No teapot +profaned that sacred stove, no gory steak +cried aloud for vengeance from her chaste gridiron +and only a brave woman's taste, time, +and temper were sacrificed on that domestic +altar.</p> + +<p>The vexed question of light was settled by +buying a quantity of bayberry wax for candles; +and, on discovering that no one knew how to +make them, pine-knots were introduced, to be +used when absolutely necessary. Being summer, +the evenings were not long, and the weary +fraternity found it no great hardship to retire +with the birds. The inner light was sufficient +for most of them. But Mrs. Lamb rebelled. +Evening was the only time she had to herself, +and while the tired feet rested the skilful hands +mended torn frocks and little stockings, or +anxious heart forgot its burden in a book.</p> + +<p>So "mother's lamp" burned steadily, while +the philosophers built a new heaven and earth +by moonlight; and through all the metaphysical +mists and philanthropic pyrotechnics +of that period Sister Hope played her own +little game of "throwing light," and none but +the moths were the worse for it.</p> + +<p>Such farming probably was never seen before +since Adam delved. The band of brothers began +by spading garden and field; but a few +days of it lessened their ardor amazingly. Blistered +hands and aching backs suggested the expediency +of permitting the use of cattle till the +workers were better fitted for noble toil by a +summer of the new life.</p> + +<p>Brother Moses brought a yoke of oxen from +his farm,—at least, the philosophers thought so +till it was discovered that one of the animals +was a cow; and Moses confessed that he "must +be let down easy, for he couldn't live on garden +sarse entirely."</p> + +<p>Great was Dictator Lion's indignation at this +lapse from virtue. But time pressed, the work +must be done; so the meek cow was permitted +to wear the yoke, and the recreant brother continued +to enjoy forbidden draughts in the +barn, which dark proceeding caused the children +to regard him as one set apart for destruction.</p> + +<p>The sowing was equally peculiar, for, owing +to some mistake, the three brethren who devoted +themselves to this graceful task, found +when about half through the job that each had +been sowing a different sort of grain in the +same field; a mistake which caused much perplexity, +as it could not be remedied; but, after +a long consultation and a good deal of laughter, +it was decided to say nothing and see what +would come of it.</p> + +<p>The garden was planted with a generous +supply of useful roots and herbs; but, as +manure was not allowed to profane the virgin +soil, few of these vegetable treasures ever came +up. Purslane reigned supreme, and the disappointed +planters ate it philosophically, deciding +that Nature knew what was best for them, and +would generously supply their needs, if they +could only learn to digest her "sallets" and wild +roots.</p> + +<p>The orchard was laid out, a little grafting +done, new trees and vines set, regardless of the +unfit season and entire ignorance of the husbandmen, +who honestly believed that in the +autumn they would reap a bounteous harvest.</p> + +<p>Slowly things got into order, and rapidly +rumors of the new experiment went abroad, +causing many strange spirits to flock thither, +for in those days communities were the fashion +and transcendentalism raged wildly. Some +came to look on and laugh, some to be supported +in poetic idleness, a few to believe sincerely +and work heartily. Each member was +allowed to mount his favorite hobby, and ride +it to his heart's content. Very queer were +some of the riders, and very rampant some of +the hobbies.</p> + +<p>One youth, believing that language was of +little consequence if the spirit was only right, +startled new-comers by blandly greeting them +with "good-morning, damn you," and other remarks +of an equally mixed order. A second +irrepressible being held that all the emotions of +the soul should be freely expressed, and illustrated +his theory by antics that would have +sent him to a lunatic asylum, if, as an unregenerate +wag said, he had not already been in one. +When his spirit soared, he climbed trees and +shouted; when doubt assailed him, he lay upon +the floor and groaned lamentably. At joyful +periods, he raced, leaped, and sang; when sad, +he wept aloud; and when a great thought +burst upon him in the watches of the night, he +crowed like a jocund cockerel, to the great delight +of the children and the great annoyance +of the elders. One musical brother fiddled +whenever so moved, sang sentimentally to the +four little girls, and put a music-box on the +wall when he hoed corn.</p> + +<p>Brother Pease ground away at his uncooked +food, or browsed over the farm on sorrel, mint, +green fruit, and new vegetables. Occasionally +he took his walks abroad, airily attired in an +unbleached cotton <i>poncho</i>, which was the nearest +approach to the primeval costume he was +allowed to indulge in. At midsummer he retired +to the wilderness, to try his plan where the +woodchucks were without prejudices and huckleberry-bushes +were hospitably full. A sunstroke +unfortunately spoilt his plan, and he returned +to semi-civilization a sadder and wiser +man.</p> + +<p>Forest Absalom preserved his Pythagorean +silence, cultivated his fine dark locks, and worked +like a beaver, setting an excellent example +of brotherly love, justice, and fidelity by his upright +life. He it was who helped overworked +Sister Hope with her heavy washes, kneaded +the endless succession of batches of bread, +watched over the children, and did the many +tasks left undone by the brethren, who were +so busy discussing and defining great duties +that they forgot to perform the small ones.</p> + +<p>Moses White placidly plodded about, "chorin' +raound," as he called it, looking like an old-time +patriarch, with his silver hair and flowing beard, +and saving the community from many a mishap +by his thrift and Yankee shrewdness.</p> + +<p>Brother Lion domineered over the whole concern; +for, having put the most money into the +speculation, he was resolved to make it pay,—as +if any thing founded on an ideal basis could +be expected to do so by any but enthusiasts.</p> + +<p>Abel Lamb simply revelled in the Newness, +firmly believing that his dream was to be beautifully +realized and in time not only little Fruitlands, +but the whole earth, be turned into a +Happy Valley. He worked with every muscle +of his body, for <i>he</i> was in deadly earnest. He +taught with his whole head and heart; planned +and sacrificed, preached and prophesied, with a +soul full of the purest aspirations, most unselfish +purposes, and desires for a life devoted to God +and man, too high and tender to bear the rough +usage of this world.</p> + +<p>It was a little remarkable that only one +woman ever joined this community. Mrs. +Lamb merely followed wheresoever her husband +led,—"as ballast for his balloon," as she +said, in her bright way.</p> + +<p>Miss Jane Gage was a stout lady of mature +years, sentimental, amiable, and lazy. She +wrote verses copiously, and had vague yearnings +and graspings after the unknown, which +led her to believe herself fitted for a higher +sphere than any she had yet adorned.</p> + +<p>Having been a teacher, she was set to instructing +the children in the common branches. +Each adult member took a turn at the infants; +and, as each taught in his own way, the result +was a chronic state of chaos in the minds of +these much-afflicted innocents.</p> + +<p>Sleep, food, and poetic musings were the +desires of dear Jane's life, and she shirked all +duties as clogs upon her spirit's wings. Any +thought of lending a hand with the domestic +drudgery never occurred to her; and when to +the question, "Are there any beasts of burden +on the place?" Mrs. Lamb answered, with a +face that told its own tale, "Only one woman!" +the buxom Jane took no shame to herself, but +laughed at the joke, and let the stout-hearted +sister tug on alone.</p> + +<p>Unfortunately, the poor lady hankered after +the flesh-pots, and endeavored to stay herself +with private sips of milk, crackers, and cheese, +and on one dire occasion she partook of fish at +a neighbor's table.</p> + +<p>One of the children reported this sad lapse +from virtue, and poor Jane was publicly reprimanded +by Timon.</p> + +<p>"I only took a little bit of the tail," sobbed +the penitent poetess.</p> + +<p>"Yes, but the whole fish had to be tortured +and slain that you might tempt your carnal appetite +with that one taste of the tail. Know +ye not, consumers of flesh meat, that ye +are nourishing the wolf and tiger in your +bosoms?"</p> + +<p>At this awful question and the peal of laughter +which arose from some of the younger brethren, +tickled by the ludicrous contrast between +the stout sinner, the stern judge, and the +naughty satisfaction of the young detective, +poor Jane fled from the room to pack her +trunk, and return to a world where fishes' tails +were not forbidden fruit.</p> + +<p>Transcendental wild oats were sown broadcast +that year, and the fame thereof has not +yet ceased in the land; for, futile as this crop +seemed to outsiders, it bore an invisible harvest, +worth much to those who planted in earnest. +As none of the members of this particular +community have ever recounted their experiences +before, a few of them may not be amiss, +since the interest in these attempts has never +died out and Fruitlands was the most ideal +of all these castles in Spain.—<i>Silver Pitchers, +and Other Stories</i>.</p> + + + +<hr style="width: 65%;" /> +<h2><a name="WILLIAM_WIRT_HOWE" id="WILLIAM_WIRT_HOWE"></a>WILLIAM WIRT HOWE.</h2> + +<h2>(BORN, 1833.)</h2> + +<hr style='width: 45%;' /> + +<h2><a name="CONVERSATIONAL_DEPRAVITY" id="CONVERSATIONAL_DEPRAVITY"></a>CONVERSATIONAL DEPRAVITY</h2> + + +<p><i>To the Chief-Justice of Glenwood</i>,</p> + +<p>SUBLIME SIR: ... What can be more +destructive of the higher forms of conversation +than a pun? What right has any one to explode +a petard in the midst of sweet sociality, +and blow every thing like sequence and sentiment +sky-high? And therefore, since you, as +translator of the Pasha's Letters, have taken +pains to publish his observations on many +social subjects, I think it eminently proper that +you should ventilate the ideas of his friend +Tompkins upon a not less important theme.</p> + +<p>Happily, I have been saved the trouble of +original composition, by a discovery made by +my landlady while I was boarding a year ago +on St. John's Park. Mr. Green, our attic +boarder, went off suddenly one day to see a +friend in the country, as he said. Of course +our landlady searched his room, with a view of +reading his letters; and in a brown hair-trunk, +with a boot-jack, a razor-strop, a box of Seidlitz +powders, and an odd volume of Young's Night +Thoughts, she found the following manuscript. +The females of the house were satisfied with +reading such letters as were left by Mr. Green +in his apartment, and so this paper was handed +over to me. I may say that it was marked with +pencil, "Declined with Thanks."</p> + + +<p>"THE PUN FIEND.</p> + +<p>"BY C. GREEN.</p> + +<p>"I used to be corpulent, rosy-cheeked, and +cheerful. I am gaunt, pale, and morose now. +I used to sleep sweetly; but now I toss about +upon my bed, terrified by hideous visions, and +feelings as of a clammy hand or wet cloth laid on +my face. I was wont to walk about our streets +after business hours, and on Sundays, with a +genuine smile of enjoyment lighting up my +face; but now I hurry along with my eyes cast +down, and I seek by-ways and dark lanes for +my rambles. My friends think I am in love; +persons who know me but slightly, suppose me +a victim to remorse—imagine that I wear a +hair shirt, and macerate my flesh. They are all +wrong. An old bachelor like myself has long +ago buried the light of love in a tomb, and set +a seal upon the great stone at the door; and as +for remorse, I owe no tailor any thing, and do +not at present blame myself for any great +fault, except having once subscribed for six +months to the New York <i>Morning Cretan</i>. +Nevertheless, my face grows haggard, my step +weary, and even our Thursday's beef <i>à la mode</i> +fails to tempt my enfeebled appetite.</p> + +<p>"I am haunted, haunted by a foul fiend. He +meets me at six, P.M., in our festive dining-room, +and the fork or spoon drops from my +nerveless grasp. He follows me up to the parlor, +where I sometimes talk of an evening to +Miss Pipkin (Miss P. is our fourth story, front), +and I become silent in his presence, and Pipkin +votes me a bore. He sits by my side when I +am playing at whist, and I trump my partner's +trick, and the dear old game becomes disgusting. +He even dared once to follow me into +church, but I cried 'Avaunt!' in a tone so peremptory, +that he fled for a moment. He joined +me, however, as soon as service was over, and +walked from Tenth Street to Madison Square, +with his grizzly arm thurst through mine, and +his diabolical jeers drumming on my tympana. +In dreams he perches on my breast, and +clutches me by the throat.</p> + +<p>"Like the arch fiend, he assumes many +shapes. He is now a tall man, and again a +short man; sometimes young and audacious, +sometimes old and leering. He only once took +a feminine guise: that blessed form was irksome +to him. He prefers the freedom of masculinity +and ineffables. He was once a bookkeeper +like myself; then a young attorney; +then a medical student; then a bald-headed +old gentleman, who seemed to blow a flageolet +for a living; and lately, he has taken the shape +of a well-to-do President of 'The Arkansas and +Arizona Sky Rocket Transportation Company,' +but through all these shifting shapes, I recognize +him and shudder.</p> + +<p>"He is known as the Funny Fellow.</p> + +<p>"Very glorious are wit and humor. I have +heard many eminent lecturers discourse on the +distinctions, definitions, and value of these airy +good gifts. I remember being especially edified +by the skill with which Spout, the eloquent, +dissected the philosophy of mirth in the same +style and with the same effect that the boy in +the story dissected his grandmamma's bellows +to see how the wind was raised. I agree with +Spout that wit and humor are glorious; that +satire, pricking the balloons of conceit, vain +glory, and hypocrisy, is invaluable; that a good +laugh can come only from a warm heart; that +the man in motley is often wiser than the +judge in ermine or the priest in lawn. These +qualities are goodly in literature. We all love +the kindly humorist from Chaucer to Holmes, +inclusive. How genial and gentle they are, as +they sit with us around the fireside, chucking +us under the chins, and slyly poking us in the +ribs; and in the field how nobly they have +charged upon humbugs and shams. They have +been true knights, chivalrous, kind-hearted, +brave, religious; their spears are slender, perhaps, +yet sharp and elastic as the blades of +Toledo; and as they have galloped up and +down in the lists, gaily caparisoned and cheery, +it has done our hearts good to see how they +have hurled into the dust the pompous, sleepy +champions of error and hypocrisy.</p> + +<p>"So too, consider how pleasant a thing is +mirth on the stage. Who does not thank William +the Great for Falstaff, and Hackett for his +personation of the fat knight? Who does not +chuckle over the humors of Autolycus, rogue +and peddler? Who has not felt his eye glisten, +as his lips smiled, when Jesse Rural has spoken, +and who will not say to Ollapod, 'Thank you, +good sir, I owe you one'?</p> + +<p>"Ah me! how I used to read those jolly +unctuous authors when I was young, in the old +'sitting-room' at home! The great fire-place +glows before me now; its light dances on the +wall; my mother's hand is on my head; my +sister's eyes are beaming on her lover over in +the darker corner; there is a murmur of pleasant +voices; there are quiet mirth and deep joy. +I lose myself in revery when I think of these +pleasures, and almost forget the Funny Fellow.</p> + +<p>"He is pestiferous. If I were in the habit of +profanity, I would let loose upon him an octagonal +oath. If I were a man of muscle, it +would be pleasant to get his head in chancery, +and bruise it. It would be a relief to serve him +with subpoenas, or present him long bills and +demand immediate payment. Was my name +providentially ordered to be Green, that he +might pass verbal contumely upon it? Does +he suppose that a man can live thirty-five years +in this state of probation, without becoming +slightly calloused to a pun on his own name? +Yet he continues to pun on mine as if the process +were highly amusing. Then again he interrupts +any little attempts at pleasing conversation +with his infernal absurdities. I was +speaking one day at the dinner-table of a well-known +orator who had been entertaining the +town, and I flatter myself that my remarks were +critically just as well as deeply interesting. The +wretched being interposed—</p> + +<p>"'Mr. Green, when you say there was too +much American Eagle in the speaker's discourse, +do you mean that it was a talon-ted +production, and to what claws of the speech do +you especially refer?'</p> + +<p>"Miss Pipkin, who had been deeply intent +on my observations, commenced to titter; +what could I do but hang my head and swallow +the rest of the meal in silence? If I had been +possessed of a quick tongue, I would have +lashed him with sarcasms, and Pipkin would +have rejoiced with me in his groans. But no—I +am slow of speech—and so I was bound to +submit. After that he was more tyrannical +than ever. He would come stealthily into my +room and garotte me in a conversational way. +He would seem to take me by the throat, saying, +'why don't you laugh—why don't you +burst with merriment?' and then I would force +a dismal grin, just to get rid of him.</p> + +<p>"I said to myself, I will leave this selfish +Sahara called the city and county of New York +I will leave its dust, dirt, carts, confusion, bulls, +bears, Peter Funks, Jeremy Diddlers, and, best +of all, the Funny Fellow. I will take board in +some rural, as well as accessible place; the +mosquitoes and ague of Flushing shall refresh +my frame; the cottages of Astoria, with their +pleasant view of the Penitentiary, shall revive +my wounded spirit; I will exile myself from +my native land to the shores of Jersey; I will +sit beneath the shadow of the Quarantine on +Staten Island. No—I won't—I will go to Yonkers—Yonkers +that looks as though it had been +built on a gentle slope, and then had suffered a +violent attack of earthquake; daily boats shall +convey me from my ledger to my bed and +board, at convenient hours, so that while I post +books in New York by day, I may revel in +breezes, moonbeams, sweet milk, and gentle influences, +by night. There, said I, in a burst of +excusable enthusiasm, I will recline beneath +wide-spreading beeches, and pipe upon an +oaten reed. There will I listen to the soft +bleating of lambs, and scent the fresh breath of +cows; Nature shall touch and thrill me with +her gentle hand; I will see the dear flowers +turn their faces up to receive the kiss of the +rising sun, or the benediction of the summer +shower. There, too, I will meet the members +of the mystic P.B., so that I shall talk of books +other than day-books and blotters: we will discourse +reverently of authors and their creations. +I will not meet the Funny Fellow, for such a +wretch can be produced only in the corrupt +social hot-bed of Gotham.</p> + +<p>"So to Yonkers I went. I chose a room +looking out upon the Hudson and the noble +Palisades. I took with me a flute, a copy of +the Bucolics of Virgil, and numerous linen garments. +A great calm came over me. I was +no longer haunted, goaded, oppressed. With +peace nestling in my bosom, I went down to +my first supper in the new boarding-house. A +goodly meal smoked on the table, and the +savor of baked shad, sweetest of smells, went +up. While I sat choking myself with the +bones of this delicious fish, I heard a voice on +the opposite side of the table that sent the +blood to my heart. If I had been feminine, +there would have been a scene.</p> + +<p>"He was there: his eyes gloated over the +board, a malicious quirk sat astride his fat lips. +The Funny Fellow spoke to Miss Grasscloth:</p> + +<p>"'Why are the fishermen who catch these +shad like wigmakers?'</p> + +<p>"'I don't know,'</p> + +<p>"'Because they make their living from bare +poles.'</p> + +<p>"I ate no more supper. A nausea supervened. +I left the table, rushed into the cool +evening air, and let the fresh breeze visit my +faded cheek. I strolled up the main street of +Yonkers, and as I crushed my toes against the +stones which then adorned that highway, I resolved +to call on my sweet friend Julia ——. +Her gentle smile, said I, will console me. She +is not a Funny Fellow. We will talk together +calmly, earnestly, in the moonlight, close by the +great river. I will sit as near to her as her fashionable +garments will permit, and forget my foe.</p> + +<p>"We walked together—Julia and I. We +talked of things good and true. We spoke of +the beauty of the nocturnal scene. Alas! a +fearful, a demoniac change came over the girl's +face. She said:</p> + +<p>"'Yes, my friend, we ought to enjoy this +scene—for we are fine-night beings.'</p> + +<p>"I bid a hasty farewell to the large eyes and +gentle smile. She was not much offended at +my abrupt and angry departure, for my salary +is small, my hair is turning grey, and I do not +dance. But I was not entirely discouraged. +I resolved to give Yonkers a fair trial, and a +true verdict to render according to the evidence. +So I frequented the tea-parties and sociables so +common in that wretched town, and strove to +shake off the melancholy that clung to me like +the Old Man of the Sea. To my horror, the +Funny Fellow became multiplied like the reflections +in a shivered mirror. Men and women, +and even young innocent children, became +Funny, and danced about me in a horrible +maze, and squeaked and gibbered, and tossed +their jokes in my face. In one week I made +five mortal enemies by refusing to smile when +their tormenting squibs were exploded in my +eyes. I felt like a rustic pony, who comes in +his simple way into town on the Fourth of +July, and has Chinese crackers and fiery serpents +cast under his heels. One evening, in +particular, they asked me to play the game of +Comparisons (a proverbially odious game, that +could exist only in an effete and degenerate +civilization), in which the entire company tried +to see how Funny they could be; and because +I made stupid answers, I was laughed at by the +young ladies.</p> + +<p>"I became disgusted with Yonkers, and returned +to my intramural boarding-house in St. +John's Park. The sidewalk near the house was +in a dilapidated state, through the carelessness +of the contractor, who had stipulated to pave +it properly, but had not paved it at all, except +with good intentions. And therefore, as I came +along, I first besmeared my boots with muck +then tripped my toes against a pile of brick: +and finally fell headlong into the gutter. As I +rose up and denounced, in somewhat loud language, +the idleness and inefficiency of the contractor +who had the work in charge, the Funny +Fellow stood before me, his eyes glaring with +triumph. He spoke in reply to my denunciations:</p> + +<p>"' My dear Green, do not call the contractor +lazy and inefficient. I am sure that his is an +energy that never FLAGS!'</p> + +<p>"I rushed to the room where I am now sealed. +There is but one hope left me.</p> + +<p>"In the Territory of Nebraska, far to the +west thereof, lies a tract of land which the +early French trappers, with shrewd fitness +called the' Mauvaises Terres.' It is a region +of rocks, petrifactions, and other pre-Adamite +peculiarities. In a paper written by Dr. Leid +of Philadelphia, and published by the Smithsonian +Institute, we are assured that there once +lived in these bad lands, turtles six feet square, +and alligators, compared with which the present +squatter sovereigns of the territory are lovely +and refined. The fossil remains of these ancient +inhabitants still encumber the earth of +that region, and make it unpleasant to view +with an agricultural eye; but here and there +the general desolation is relieved by a fertile +valley, with a running brook and green slopes. +White men, whisky, and Funny Fellows have +not yet penetrated there. I will go to this +sanctuary. A snug cabin will contain my necessary +household—to wit—twelve shirts and a +Bible. I will plant my corn, and tobacco, and +vines on the fertile slope that looks to the +south; my cattle and sheep shall browse the +rest of the valley, while a few agile goats shall +stand in picturesque positions upon the rocky +monsters described by Dr. Leidy. My guests +shall be the brave and wise red men who never +try to make bad jokes. I do not think they +ever try to be Funny; but to make assurance +doubly sure, I shall not learn their language, so +that any melancholy attempts they may possibly +make, will fall upon unappreciative ears. +By day I will cultivate my crops and tend my +flocks and herds; and in the long evenings +smoke the calumet with the worthy aborigines. +If I should find there some dusky maiden, like +Palmer's Indian girl, who has no idea of puns, +polkas, crinoline, or eligible matches, I will woo +her in savage hyperbole, and she shall light my +pipe with her slender fingers, and beat for me +the tom-tom when I am sad. I will live in a +calm and conscientious way; the Funny Fellow +shall become like the dim recollection of some +horrible dream, and"—</p> + +<p>Mr. Green seems not to have finished his interesting +reflections, and I shall not attempt to +complete them. As well might I try to finish +the Cathedral at Cologne. But I heartily sympathize +with the feelings he has expressed, and +trust that his new home in the West will never +be invaded by conversational garroters.</p> + +<p>Sincerely your friend,</p> + +<p>TOMPKINS.</p> + +<p>—<i>The Pasha Papers</i>.</p> + + + +<hr style="width: 65%;" /> +<h2><a name="CHARLES_FARRAR_BROWNE" id="CHARLES_FARRAR_BROWNE"></a>CHARLES FARRAR BROWNE.</h2> + +<h2>("ARTEMUS WARD.")</h2> + +<h2>(BORN, 1834—DIED, 1867.)</h2> + +<hr style='width: 45%;' /> + +<h2><a name="THE_TOWER_OF_LONDON" id="THE_TOWER_OF_LONDON"></a>THE TOWER OF LONDON.</h2> + + +<p>MR. PUNCH,—<i>My Dear Sir</i>:—I skurcely +need inform you that your excellent +Tower is very pop'lar with pe'ple from the agricultooral +districks, and it was chiefly them +class which I found waitin at the gates the +other mornin.</p> + +<p>I saw at once that the Tower was established +on a firm basis. In the entire history of firm +basisis I don't find a basis more firmer than +this one.</p> + +<p>"You have no Tower in America?" said a +man in the crowd, who had somehow detected +my denomination.</p> + +<p>"Alars! no," I anserd; "we boste of our enterprise +and improovements, and yit we are devoid +of a Tower. America oh my onhappy +country! thou hast not got no Tower! It's a +sweet Boon."</p> + +<p>The gates was opened after a while, and we +all purchist tickets, and went into a waitin-room.</p> + +<p>"My frens," said a pale-faced little man, in +black close, "this is a sad day."</p> + +<p>"Inasmuch as to how?" I said.</p> + +<p>"I mean it is sad to think that so many peple +have been killed within these gloomy walls. My +frens, let us drop a tear!"</p> + +<p>"No," I said, "you must excuse me. Others +may drop one if they feel like it; but as for me, +I decline. The early managers of this institootion +were a bad lot, and their crimes were trooly +orful; but I can't sob for those who died +four or five hundred years ago. If they was +my own relations I couldn't. It's absurd to +shed sobs over things which occurd during the +rain of Henry the Three. Let us be cheerful," +I continnered. "Look at the festiv Warders, +in their red flannil jackets. They are cheerful, +and why should it not be thusly with us?"</p> + +<p>A Warder now took us in charge, and showed +us the Trater's Gate, the armers, and things. +The Trater's Gate is wide enuff to admit about +twenty traters abrest, I should jedge; but beyond +this, I couldn't see that it was superior +to gates in gen'ral.</p> + +<p>Traters, I will here remark, are a onfornit +class of peple. If they wasn't, they wouldn't +be traters. They conspire to bust up a country—they +fail, and they're traters. They bust +her, and they become statesmen and heroes.</p> + +<p>Take the case of Gloster, afterwards Old Dick +the Three, who may be seen at the Tower on +horseback, in a heavy tin overcoat—take Mr. +Gloster's case. Mr. G. was a conspirator of the +basist dye, and if he'd failed, he would have +been hung on a sour apple tree. But Mr. G. +succeeded, and became great. He was slewed +by Col. Richmond, but he lives in history, and +his equestrian figger may be seen daily for a +sixpence, in conjunction with other em'nent +persons, and no extra charge for the Warder's +able and bootiful lectur.</p> + +<p>There's one king in this room who is mounted +onto a foaming steed, his right hand graspin +a barber's pole. I didn't learn his name.</p> + +<p>The room where the daggers and pistils and +other weppins is kept is interestin. Among this +collection of choice cuttlery I notist the bow and +arrer which those hot-heded old chaps used to +conduct battles with. It is quite like the bow +and arrer used at this day by certain tribes +of American Injuns, and they shoot 'em off +with such a excellent precision that I almost +sigh'd to be an Injun when I was in the Rocky +Mountain regin. They are a pleasant lot them +Injuns. Mr. Cooper and Dr. Catlin have told +us of the red man's wonerful eloquence, and I +found it so. Our party was stopt on the plains +of Utah by a band of Shoshones, whose chief +said:</p> + +<p>"Brothers! the pale-face is welcome. Brothers! +the sun is sinking in the west, and Wa-na-bucky-she +will soon cease speakin. Brothers! +the poor red man belongs to a race which is +fast becomin extink."</p> + +<p>He then whooped in a shrill manner, stole all +our blankets and whisky, and fled to the primeval +forest to conceal his emotions.</p> + +<p>I will remark here, while on the subjeck of +Injuns, that they are in the main a very shaky +set, with even less sense than the Fenians, and +when I hear philanthropists bewailin the fack +that every year "carries the noble red man +nearer the settin sun," I simply have to say I'm +glad of it, tho' it is rough on the settin sun. +They call you by the sweet name of Brother +one minit, and the next they scalp you with +their Thomas-hawks. But I wander. Let us +return to the Tower.</p> + +<p>At one end of the room where the weppins is +kept, is a wax figger of Queen Elizabeth, mounted +on a fiery stuffed hoss, whose glass eye flashes +with pride, and whose red morocker nostril dilates +hawtily, as if conscious of the royal burden +he bears. I have associated Elizabeth with the +Spanish Armady. She's mixed up with it at +the Surrey Theatre, where <i>Troo to the Core</i> is +bein acted, and in which a full bally core is introjooced +on board the Spanish Admiral's ship, +giving the audiens the idee that he intends +openin a moosic-hall in Plymouth the moment +he conkers that town. But a very interesting +drammer is <i>Troo to the Core</i>, notwithstandin the +eccentric conduct of the Spanish Admiral; and +very nice it is in Queen Elizabeth to make +Martin Truegold a baronet.</p> + +<p>The Warder shows us some instrooments of +tortur, such as thumbscrews, throat-collars, etc., +statin that these was conkered from the Spanish +Armady, and addin what a crooil peple the +Spaniards was in them days—which elissited +from a bright-eyed little girl of about twelve +summers the remark that she tho't it <i>was</i> rich +to talk about the crooilty of the Spaniards usin +thumbscrews, when he was in a Tower where +so many poor peple's heads had been cut +off. This made the Warder stammer and turn +red.</p> + +<p>I was so pleased with the little girl's brightness +that I could have kissed the dear child, +and I would if she'd been six years older.</p> + +<p>I think my companions intended makin a +day of it, for they all had sandwiches, sassiges, +etc. The sad-lookin man, who had wanted us +to drop a tear afore we started to go round, +fling'd such quantities of sassige into his mouth +that I expected to see him choke hisself to +death; he said to me, in the Beauchamp Tower, +where the poor prisoners writ their onhappy +names on the cold walls, "This is a sad sight."</p> + +<p>"It is indeed," I anserd. "You're black in +the face. You shouldn't eat sassige in public +without some rehearsals beforehand. You manage +it orkwardly."</p> + +<p>"No," he said, "I mean this sad room."</p> + +<p>Indeed, he was quite right. Tho' so long +ago all these drefful things happened, I was +very glad to git away from this gloomy room, +and go where the rich and sparklin Crown Jewils +is kept. I was so pleased with the Queen's +Crown, that it occurd to me what a agree'ble +surprise it would be to send a sim'lar one home +to my wife; and I asked the Warder what was +the vally of a good, well-constructed Crown +like that. He told me, but on cypherin up +up with a pencil the amount of funs I have in +the Jint Stock Bank, I conclooded I'd send her +a genteel silver watch instid.</p> + +<p>And so I left the Tower. It is a solid and +commandin edifis, but I deny that it is cheerful. +I bid it adoo without a pang.</p> + +<p>I was droven to my hotel by the most melancholly +driver of a four-wheeler that I ever saw. +He heaved a deep sigh as I gave him two shillings.</p> + +<p>"I'll give you six d.'s more," I said, "if it +hurts you so."</p> + +<p>"It isn't that," he said, with a hart-rendin +groan, "it's only a way I have. My mind's +upset to-day. I at one time tho't I'd drive you +into the Thames. I've been readin all the +daily papers to try and understand about Governor +Eyre, and my mind is totterin. It's +really wonderful I didn't drive you into the +Thames."</p> + +<p>I asked the onhappy man what his number +was, so I could redily find him in case I should +want him agin, and bad him good-bye. And +then I tho't what a frollicsome day I'd made +of it. Respectably, etc.,</p> + +<p>ARTEMUS WARD.</p> + +<p>—<i>Punch</i>,1866.</p> + + +<h2><a name="SCIENCE_AND_NATURAL_HISTORY" id="SCIENCE_AND_NATURAL_HISTORY"></a>SCIENCE AND NATURAL HISTORY.</h2> + +<p>Mr. Punch <i>My Dear Sir</i>:—I was a little disapinted +at not receivin a invitation to jine in the +meetins of the Social Science Congress....</p> + +<p>I prepared an Essy on Animals to read before +the Social Science meetins. It is a subjeck +I may troothfully say I have successfully +wrastled with. I tackled it when only nineteen +years old. At that tender age I writ a Essy +for a lit'ry Institoot entitled, "Is Cats to be +trusted?" Of the merits of that Essy it +doesn't becum me to speak, but I may be excoos'd +for mentionin that the Institoot parsed +a resolution that "whether we look upon the +length of this Essy, or the manner in which it +is written, we feel that we will not express any +opinion of it, and we hope it will be read in +other towns."</p> + +<p>Of course the Essy I writ for the Social Science +Society is a more finisheder production +than the one on Cats, which was wroten when +my mind was crood, and afore I had masterd +a graceful and ellygant stile of composition. I +could not even punctooate my sentences proper +at that time, and I observe with pane, on lookin +over this effort of my youth, that its beauty is +in one or two instances mar'd by ingrammaticisms. +This was inexcusable, and I'm surprised +I did it. A writer who can't write in a +grammerly manner better shut up shop.</p> + +<p>You shall hear this Essy on Animals. Some +day when you have four hours to spare, I'll +read it to you. I think you'll enjoy it. Or, +what will be much better, if I may suggest—omit +all picturs in next week's <i>Punch</i>, and do +not let your contributors write eny thing whatever +(et them have a holiday; they can go to +the British Mooseum;) and publish my Essy +intire. It will fill all your collumes full, and +create comment. Does this proposition strike +you? Is it a go?</p> + +<p>In case I had read the Essy to the Social +Sciencers, I had intended it should be the +closin attraction. I intended it should finish +the proceedins. I think it would have finished +them. I understand animals better than any +other class of human creatures. I have a very +animal mind, and I've been identified with 'em +doorin my entire perfessional career as a showman, +more especial bears, wolves, leopards and +serpunts.</p> + +<p>The leopard is as lively a animal as I ever +came into contack with. It is troo he cannot +change his spots, but you can change 'em for +him with a paint-brush, as I once did in the +case of a leopard who wasn't nat'rally spotted +in a attractive manner. In exhibitin him I +used to stir him up in his cage with a protracted +pole, and for the purpuss of makin him yell and +kick up in a leopardy manner, I used to casionally +whack him over the head. This would +make the children inside the booth scream with +fright, which would make fathers of families +outside the booth very anxious to come in—because +there is a large class of parents who +have a uncontrollable passion for takin their +children to places where they will stand a +chance of being frightened to death.</p> + +<p>One day I whacked this leopard more than +ushil, which elissited a remonstrance from a tall +gentleman in spectacles, who said, "My good +man, do not beat the poor caged animal. +Rather fondle him."</p> + +<p>"I'll fondle him with a club," I ansered, +hitting him another whack.</p> + +<p>"I prithy desist," said the gentleman; "stand +aside, and see the effeck of kindness. I understand +the idiosyncracies of these creeturs better +than you do."</p> + +<p>With that he went up to the cage, and +thrustin his face in between the iron bars, he +said, soothingly, "Come hither, pretty creetur."</p> + +<p>The pretty creetur come-hithered rayther +speedy, and seized the gentleman by the whiskers, +which he tore off about enuff to stuff a +small cushion with.</p> + +<p>He said "You vagabone, I'll have you indicted +for exhibitin dangerous and immoral +animals."</p> + +<p>I replied, "Gentle Sir, there isn't a animal +here that hasn't a beautiful moral, but you +mustn't fondle 'em. You mustn't meddle +with their idiotsyncracies."</p> + +<p>The gentleman was a dramatic cricket, and +he wrote a article for a paper, in which he said +my entertainment wos a decided failure.</p> + +<p>As regards Bears, you can teach 'em to do +interestin things, but they're onreliable. I +had a very large grizzly bear once, who would +dance, and larf, and lay down, and bow his head +in grief, and give a mournful wale, etsetry. +But he often annoyed me. It will be remembered +that on the occasion of the first battle of +Bull Run, it suddenly occurd to the Fed'ral +soldiers that they had business in Washington +which ought not to be neglected, and they all +started for that beautiful and romantic city, +maintainin a rate of speed durin the entire distance +that would have done credit to the celebrated +French steed <i>Gladiateur</i>. Very nat'rally +our Gov'ment was deeply grieved at this defeat; +and I said to my Bear shortly after, as I +was givin a exhibition in Ohio—I said, "Brewin, +are you not sorry the National arms has sustained +a defeat?" His business was to wale +dismal, and bow his head down, the band (a +barrel origin and a wiolin) playing slow and +melancholy moosic. What did the grizzly old +cuss do, however, but commence darncin and +larfin in the most joyous manner? I had a +narrer escape from being imprisoned for +disloyalty.—<i>Works</i>.</p> + + +<h2><a name="FROM_THE_LECTURE" id="FROM_THE_LECTURE"></a>FROM THE "LECTURE."</h2> + +<p>Some years ago I engaged a celebrated Living +American Skeleton for a tour through Australia. +He was the thinnest man I ever saw. +He was a splendid skeleton. He didn't weigh +any thing scarcely,—and I said to myself,—the +people of Australia will flock to see this tremendous +curiosity. It is a long voyage—as +you know—from New York to Melbourne—and +to my utter surprise the skeleton had no +sooner got out to sea than he commenced eating +in the most horrible manner. He had +never been on the ocean before—and he said it +agreed with him.—I thought so!—I never saw +a man eat so much in my life. Beef—mutton—pork—he +swallowed them all like a shark—and +between meals he was often discovered behind +barrels eating hard-boiled eggs. The result +was that when we reached Melbourne this infamous +skeleton weighed sixty-four pounds +more than I did!</p> + +<p>I thought I was ruined—but I wasn't. I +took him on to California—another very long sea +voyage—and when I got him to San Francisco +I exhibited him as a fat man.</p> + +<p>This story hasn't any thing to do with my +Entertainment, I know—but one of the principal +features of my Entertainment is that it +contains so many things that don't have any +thing to do with it....</p> + +<hr style='width: 45%;' /> + +<p>I like Music.—I can't sing. As a singist I +am not a success. I am saddest when I sing. +So are those who hear me. They are sadder +even than I am....</p> + +<hr style='width: 45%;' /> + +<p>I met a man in Oregon who hadn't any +teeth—not a tooth in his head—yet that man +could play on the bass drum better than any +man I ever met....</p> + +<hr style='width: 45%;' /> + +<p>Brigham Young has two hundred wives. +Just think of that! Oblige me by thinking of +that. That is—he has eighty actual wives, and +he is spiritually married to one hundred and +twenty more. These spiritual marriages—as +the Mormons call them—are contracted with +aged widows—who think it a great honor to be +sealed—the Mormons call it being sealed—to +the Prophet.</p> + +<p>So we may say he has two hundred wives. +He loves not wisely—but two hundred well. +He is dreadfully married. He's the most married +man I ever saw in my life....</p> + +<hr style='width: 45%;' /> + +<p>I regret to say that efforts were made to +make a Mormon of me while I was in Utah.</p> + +<p>It was leap-year when I was there—and +seventeen young widows—the wives of a deceased +Mormon—offered me their hearts and +hands. I called on them one day—and taking +their soft white hands in mine—which made +eighteen hands altogether—I found them in +tears.</p> + +<p>And I said—"Why is this thus? What is +the reason of this thusness?"</p> + +<p>They hove a sigh—seventeen sighs of different +size.—They said—</p> + +<p>"Oh—soon thou wilt be gonested away!"</p> + +<p>I told them that when I got ready to leave a +place I wentested.</p> + +<p>They said—"Doth not like us?"</p> + +<p>I said—"I doth—I doth!"</p> + +<p>I also said—"I hope your intentions are +honorable—as I am a lone child—my parents +being far—far away."</p> + +<p>They then said—"Wilt not marry us?"</p> + +<p>I said—"Oh no—it cannot was."</p> + +<p>Again they asked me to marry them—and +again I declined. When they cried—</p> + +<p>"Oh—cruel man! This is too much—oh! +too much!"</p> + +<p>I told them that it was on account of the +muchness that I declined.—<i>Works</i>.</p> + + + +<hr style="width: 65%;" /> +<h2><a name="FRANK_R_STOCKTON" id="FRANK_R_STOCKTON"></a>FRANK R. STOCKTON.</h2> + +<h2>(BORN, 1834.)</h2> + +<hr style='width: 45%;' /> + +<h2><a name="OUR_TAVERN" id="OUR_TAVERN"></a>OUR TAVERN.</h2> + + +<p>It was about noon of a very fair July day, +when Euphemia and myself arrived at the +little town where we were to take the stage up +into the mountains. We were off for a two +weeks' vacation and our minds were a good +deal easier than when we went away before, +and left Pomona at the helm. We had enlarged +the boundaries of Rudder Grange, having +purchased the house, with enough adjoining +land to make quite a respectable farm. Of +course I could not attend to the manifold duties +on such a place, and my wife seldom had a +happier thought than when she proposed that +we should invite Pomona and her husband to +come and live with us. Pomona was delighted, +and Jonas was quite willing to run our farm. +So arrangements were made, and the young +couple were established in apartments in our +back building, and went to work as if taking +care of us and our possessions was the ultimate +object of their lives. Jonas was such a steady +fellow that we feared no trouble from tree-man +or lightning rodder during this absence.</p> + +<p>Our destination was a country tavern on the +stage-road, not far from the point where the +road crosses the ridge of the mountain range, +and about sixteen miles from the town. We +had heard of this tavern from a friend of ours, +who had spent a summer there. The surrounding +country was lovely, and the house was kept +by a farmer, who was a good soul, and tried to +make his guests happy. These were generally +passing farmers and wagoners, or stage-passengers, +stopping for a meal, but occasionally a +person from the cities, like our friend, came to +spend a few weeks in the mountains.</p> + +<p>So hither we came, for an out-of-the-world +spot like this was just what we wanted. When +I took our place at the stage-office, I inquired +for David Button, the farm tavern-keeper before +mentioned, but the agent did not know +of him.</p> + +<p>"However," said he, "the driver knows everybody +on the road, and he'll set you down at the +house."</p> + +<p>So, off we started, having paid for our tickets +on the basis that we were to ride about sixteen +miles. We had seats on top, and the trip, although +slow,—for the road wound uphill steadily,—was +a delightful one. Our way lay, for +the greater part of the time, through the +woods, but now and then we came to a farm, and +a turn in the road often gave us lovely views +of the foot-hills and the valleys behind us.</p> + +<p>But the driver did not know where Dutton's +tavern was. This we found out after we had +started. Some persons might have thought it +wiser to settle this matter before starting, but I +am not at all sure that it would have been so. +We were going to this tavern, and did not wish +to go anywhere else. If people did not know +where it was, it would be well for us to go and +look for it. We knew the road that it was on, +and the locality in which it was to be found.</p> + +<p>Still, it was somewhat strange that a stage-driver, +passing along the road every week-day,—one +day one way, and the next the other +way,—should not know a public-house like +Dutton's.</p> + +<p>"If I remember rightly," I said, "the stage +used to stop there for the passengers to take +supper."</p> + +<p>"Well, then, it ain't on this side o' the ridge," +said the driver; "we stop for supper, about a +quarter of a mile on the other side, at Pete +Lowry's. Perhaps Dutton used to keep that +place. Was it called the 'Ridge House'?"</p> + +<p>I did not remember the name of the house, +but I knew very well that it was not on the +other side of the ridge.</p> + +<p>"Then," said the driver, "I'm sure I don't +know where it is. But I've only been on the +road about a year, and your man may 'a' moved +away afore I come. But there ain't no tavern +this side the ridge, arter ye leave Delhi, and, +that's nowhere's nigh the ridge."</p> + +<p>There were a couple of farmers who were sitting +by the driver, and who had listened with +considerable interest to this conversation. Presently, +one of them turned around to me and +said:</p> + +<p>"Is it Dave Dutton ye're askin' about?"</p> + +<p>"Yes," I replied, "that's his name."</p> + +<p>"Well, I think he's dead," said he.</p> + +<p>At this, I began to feel uneasy, and I could +see that my wife shared my trouble.</p> + +<p>Then the other farmer spoke up.</p> + +<p>"I don't believe he's dead, Hiram," said he +to his companion. "I heerd of him this spring. +He's got a sheep-farm on the other side o' the +mountain, and he's a livin' there. That's what +I heerd, at any rate. But he don't live on this +road any more," he continued, turning to us. +"He used to keep tavern on this road, and the +stages did used to stop fur supper—or else dinner. +I don't jist ree-collect which. But he +don't keep tavern on this road no more."</p> + +<p>"Of course not," said his companion, "if +he's a livin' over the mountain. But I b'lieve +he's dead."</p> + +<p>I asked the other farmer if he knew how long +it had been since Dutton had left this part of +the country.</p> + +<p>"I don't know fur certain," he said, "but I +know he was keeping tavern here two year' +ago, this fall, fur I came along here, myself, and +stopped there to git supper—or dinner, I don't +jist ree-collect which."</p> + +<p>It had been three years since our friend had +boarded at Dutton's house. There was no +doubt that the man was not living at his old +place now. My wife and I now agreed that it +was very foolish in us to come so far without +making more particular inquiries. But we had +had an idea that a man who had a place like +Dutton's tavern would live there always.</p> + +<p>"What are ye goin' to do?" asked the +driver, very much interested, for it was not +every day that he had passengers who had lost +their destination. "Ye might go on to Lowry's. +He takes boarders sometimes."</p> + +<p>But Lowry's did not attract us. An ordinary +country-tavern, where stage-passengers took +supper, was not what we came so far to find.</p> + +<p>"Do you know where this house o' Dutton's +is?" said the driver, to the man who had once +taken either dinner or supper there.</p> + +<p>"Oh yes! I'd know the house well enough, +if I saw it. It's the fust house this side o' +Lowry's."</p> + +<p>"With a big pole in front of it?" asked the +driver.</p> + +<p>"Yes, there was a sign-pole in front of it."</p> + +<p>"An' a long porch?"</p> + +<p>"Yes."</p> + +<p>"Oh! well!" said the driver, settling himself +in his seat. "I know all about that house. +That's a empty house. I didn't think you +meant that house. There's nobody lives there. +An' yit, now I come to remember, I have seen +people about, too. I tell ye what ye better do. +Since ye're so set on staying on this side the +ridge, ye better let me put ye down at Dan +Carson's place. That's jist about quarter of a +mile from where Dutton used to live. Dan's +wife can tell ye all about the Duttons, an' +about everybody else, too, in this part o' the +country, and if there aint nobody livin' at the +old tavern, ye can stay all night at Carson's, +and I'll stop an' take you back, to-morrow, +when I come along."</p> + +<p>We agreed to this plan, for there was nothing +better to be done, and, late in the afternoon, +we were set down with our small trunk—for we +were traveling under light weight—at Dan +Carson's door. The stage was rather behind +time, and the driver whipped up and left us to +settle our own affairs. He called back, however, +that he would keep a good look-out for us +to-morrow.</p> + +<p>Mrs. Carson soon made her appearance, and, +very naturally, was somewhat surprised to see +visitors with their baggage standing on her +little porch. She was a plain, coarsely dressed +woman, with an apron full of chips and kindling +wood, and a fine mind for detail, as we +soon discovered.</p> + +<p>"Jist so," she said, putting down the chips +and inviting us to seats on a bench. "Dave +Dutton's folks is all moved away. Dave has a +good farm on the other side o' the mountain, +an' it never did pay him to keep that tavern, +'specially as he didn't sell liquor. When he +went away, his son Al come there to live with +his wife, an' the old man left a good deal o' +furniture and things for him, but Al's wife aint +satisfied here, and, though they've been here, +off an' on, the house is shet up most o' the +time. It's for sale an' to rent, both, ef enybody +wants it. I'm sorry about you, too, fur +it was a nice tavern, when Dave kept it."</p> + +<p>We admitted that we were also very sorry, +and the kind-hearted woman showed a great +deal of sympathy.</p> + +<p>"You might stay here, but we haint got no +fit room where you two could sleep."</p> + +<p>At this, Euphemia and I looked very blank.</p> + +<p>"But you could go up to the house and stay, +jist as well as not," Mrs. Carson continued. +"There's plenty o' things there, an' I keep the +key. For the matter o' that, ye might take the +house for as long as ye want to stay; Dave 'd +be glad enough to rent it; and, if the lady +knows how to keep house, it wouldn't be no +trouble at all, jist for you two. We could let +ye have all the victuals ye'd want, cheap, and +there's plenty o' wood there, cut, and every +thing handy."</p> + +<p>We looked at each other. We agreed. Here +was a chance for a rare good time. It might +be better, perhaps, than any thing we had expected.</p> + +<p>The bargain was struck. Mrs. Carson, who +seemed vested with all the necessary powers of +attorney, appeared to be perfectly satisfied with +our trustworthiness, and when I paid on the +spot the small sum she thought proper for two +weeks' rent, she evidently considered she had +done a very good thing for Dave Dutton and +herself.</p> + +<p>"I'll jist put some bread, an' eggs, an' coffee, +an' pork, an' things in the basket, an' I'll have +'em took up for ye, with yer trunk, an' I'll go +with ye an' take some milk. Here, Danny!" +she cried, and directly her husband, a long, +thin, sun-burnt, sandy-headed man, appeared, +and to him she told, in a few words, our story, +and ordered him to hitch up the cart and be +ready to take our trunk and the basket up to +Dutton's old house.</p> + +<p>When all was ready, we walked up the hill, +followed by Danny and the cart. We found +the house a large, low, old-fashioned farm-house, +standing near the road with a long +piazza in front, and a magnificent view of +mountain-tops in the rear. Within, the lower +rooms were large and low, with quite a good +deal of furniture in them. There was no earthly +reason why we should not be perfectly jolly +and comfortable here. The more we saw the +more delighted we were at the odd experience +we were about to have. Mrs. Carson busied +herself in getting things in order for our supper +and general accommodation. She made +Danny carry our trunk to a bedroom in the +second story, and then set him to work building +a fire in a great fire-place, with a crane for +the kettle.</p> + +<p>When she had done all she could, it was nearly +dark, and after lighting a couple of candles, she +left us, to go home and get supper for her own +family.</p> + +<p>As she and Danny were about to depart in +the cart, she ran back to ask us if we would like +to borrow a dog.</p> + +<p>"There aint nuthin to be afeard of," she +said; "for nobody hardly ever takes the trouble +to lock the doors in these parts, but bein' city +folks, I thought ye might feel better if ye had +a dog."</p> + +<p>We made haste to tell her that we were not +city folks, but declined the dog. Indeed, Euphemia +remarked that she would be much more +afraid of a strange dog than of robbers.</p> + +<p>After supper, which we enjoyed as much as +any meal we ever ate in our lives, we each took +a candle, and after arranging our bedroom for +the night, we explored the old house. There +were lots of curious things everywhere,—things +that were apparently so "old timey," as my +wife remarked, that David Dutton did not care +to take them with him to his new farm, and so +left them for his son, who probably cared for +them even less than his father did. There was +a garret extending over the whole house, and +filled with old spinning-wheels, and strings of +onions, and all sorts of antiquated bric-a-brac, +which was so fascinating to me that I could +scarcely tear myself away from it; but Euphemia, +who was dreadfully afraid that I would set +the whole place on fire, at length prevailed on +me to come down.</p> + +<p>We slept soundly that night, in what was +probably the best bedroom in the house, and +awoke with a feeling that we were about to enter +on a period of some uncommon kind of jollity, +which we found to be true when we went +down to get breakfest. I made the fire, Euphemia +made the coffee, and Mrs. Carson came +with cream and some fresh eggs. The good +woman was in high spirits. She was evidently +pleased at the idea of having neighbors, temporary +though they were, and it had probably been +a long time since she had had such a chance of +selling milk, eggs, and sundries. It was almost +the same as opening a country store. We +bought groceries and every thing of her.</p> + +<p>We had a glorious time that day. We were +just starting out for a mountain stroll when +our stage-driver came along on his down trip.</p> + +<p>"Hello!" he called out. "Want to go back +this morning?"</p> + +<p>"Not a bit of it," I cried. "We wont go +back for a couple of weeks. We've settled +here for the present."</p> + +<p>The man smiled. He didn't seem to understand +it exactly, but he was evidently glad to +see us so well satisfied. If he had had time to +stop and have the matter explained to him, he +would probably have been better satisfied; but +as it was, he waved his whip to us and drove +on. He was a good fellow.</p> + +<p>We strolled all day, having locked up the +house and taken our lunch with us; and when +we came back, it seemed really like coming +home. Mrs. Carson, with whom we had left +the key, had brought the milk and was making +the fire. This woman was too kind. We determined +to try and repay her in some way. After +a splendid supper we went to bed happy.</p> + +<p>The next day was a repetition of this one, +but the day after it rained. So we determined +to enjoy the old tavern, and we rummaged +about everywhere. I visited the garret again, +and we went to the old barn, with its mows +half full of hay, and had rare times climbing +about there. We were delighted that it happened +to rain. In a wood-shed, near the house, +I saw a big square board with letters on it. I +examined the board, and found it was a sign,—a +hanging sign,—and on it was painted in +letters that were yet quite plain:</p> + +<p> +"FARMERS'<br /> +<span style="margin-left: 1em;">AND</span><br /> +MECHANICS'<br /> +HOTEL."<br /> +</p> + +<p>I called to Euphemia and told her that I had +found the old tavern sign. She came to look +at it, and I pulled it out.</p> + +<p>"Soldiers and sailors!" she exclaimed; "that's +funny."</p> + +<p>I looked over on her side of the sign, and, +sure enough, there was the inscription:</p> + +<p> +"SOLDIERS'<br /> +<span style="margin-left: 1em;">AND</span><br /> +SAILORS'<br /> +HOUSE."<br /> +</p> + +<p>"They must have bought this comprehensive +sign in some town," I said. "Such a name +would never have been chosen for a country +tavern like this. But I wish they hadn't taken +it down. The house would look more like +what it ought to be with its sign hanging +before it."</p> + +<p>"Well, then," said Euphemia, "let's put it +up."</p> + +<p>I agreed instantly to this proposition, and we +went to look for a ladder. We found one in +the wagon-house, and carried it out to the sign-post +in the front of the house. It was raining, +gently, during these performances, but we had +on our old clothes, and were so much interested +in our work that we did not care for a little +rain. I carried the sign to the post, and then, +at the imminent risk of breaking my neck, I +hung it on its appropriate hooks on the transverse +beam of the sign-post. Now our tavern +was really what it pretended to be. We gazed +on the sign with admiration and content.</p> + +<p>"Do you think we had better keep it up all +the time?" I asked of my wife.</p> + +<p>"Certainly," said she. "It's a part of the +house. The place isn't complete without it."</p> + +<p>"But suppose some one should come along +and want to be entertained?"</p> + +<p>"But no one will. And if people do come, +I'll take care of the soldiers and sailors, if you +will attend to the farmers and mechanics."</p> + +<p>I consented to this, and we went in-doors to +prepare dinner.—<i>Rudder Grange</i>.</p> + + +<h2><a name="A_PIECE_OF_RED_CALICO" id="A_PIECE_OF_RED_CALICO"></a>A PIECE OF RED CALICO.</h2> + +<p>Mr. Editor:—If the following true experience +shall prove of any advantage to any of your +readers, I shall be glad.</p> + +<p>I was going into town the other morning, +when my wife handed me a little piece of red +calico, and asked me if I would have time during +the day, to buy her two yards and a half of +calico like that. I assured her that it would be +no trouble at all; and putting the piece of calico +in my pocket, I took the train for the city.</p> + +<p>At lunch-time I stopped in at a large dry-goods +store to attend to my wife's commission. +I saw a well-dressed man walking the floor between +the counters, where long lines of girls +were waiting on much longer lines of customers, +and asked him where I could see some red +calico.</p> + +<p>"This way, sir," and he led me up the store. +"Miss Stone," said he to a young lady, "show +this gentleman some red calico."</p> + +<p>"What shade do you want?" asked Miss +Stone.</p> + +<p>I showed her the little piece of calico that +my wife had given me. She looked at it and +handed it back to me. Then she took down a +great roll of red calico and spread it out on the +counter.</p> + +<p>"Why, that isn't the shade!" said I.</p> + +<p>"No, not exactly," said she; "but it is prettier +than your sample."</p> + +<p>"That may be," said I; "but, you see, I +want to match this piece. There is something +already made of this kind of calico, which +needs to be made larger, or mended, or something. +I want some calico of the same shade."</p> + +<p>The girl made no answer, but took down another +roll.</p> + +<p>"That's the shade," said she.</p> + +<p>"Yes," I replied, "but it's striped."</p> + +<p>"Stripes are more worn than any thing else +in calicoes," said she.</p> + +<p>"Yes; but this isn't to be worn. It's for +furniture, I think. At any rate, I want perfectly +plain stuff, to match something already in use."</p> + +<p>"Well, I don't think you can find it perfectly +plain, unless you get Turkey-red."</p> + +<p>"What is Turkey-red?" I asked.</p> + +<p>"Turkey-red is perfectly plain in calicoes," +she answered.</p> + +<p>"Well, let me see some."</p> + +<p>"We haven't any Turkey-red calico left," +she said, "but we have some very nice plain +calicoes in other colors."</p> + +<p>"I don't want any other color. I want stuff +to match this."</p> + +<p>"It's hard to match cheap calico like that," +she said, and so I left her.</p> + +<p>I next went into a store a few doors farther +up Broadway. When I entered I approached +the "floor-walker," and handing him my sample, +said:</p> + +<p>"Have you any calico like this?"</p> + +<p>"Yes, sir," said he. "Third counter to the +right."</p> + +<p>I went to the third counter to the right, and +showed my sample to the saleman in attendance +there. He looked at it on both sides. +Then he said:</p> + +<p>"We haven't any of this."</p> + +<p>"That gentleman said you had," said I.</p> + +<p>"We had it, but we're out of it now. You'll +get that goods at an upholsterer's."</p> + +<p>I went across the street to an upholsterer's.</p> + +<p>"Have you any stuff like this?' I asked.</p> + +<p>"No," said the salesman. "We haven't. Is +it for furniture?"</p> + +<p>"Yes," I replied.</p> + +<p>"Then Turkey-red is what you want?"</p> + +<p>"Is Turkey-red just like this?" I asked.</p> + +<p>"No," said he; "but it's much better."</p> + +<p>"That makes no difference to me," I replied. +"I want something just like this."</p> + +<p>"But they don't use that for furniture," he +said.</p> + +<p>"I should think people could use any thing +they wanted for furniture," I remarked, somewhat +sharply.</p> + +<p>"They can, but they don't," he said quite +calmly. "They don't use red like that. They +use Turkey-red."</p> + +<p>I said no more, but left. The next place I +visited was a very large dry-goods store. Of +the first salesman I saw I inquired if they kept +red calico like my sample.</p> + +<p>"You'll find that on the second story," said he.</p> + +<p>I went up-stairs. There I asked a man:</p> + +<p>"Where will I find red calico?"</p> + +<p>"In the far room to the left. Right over +there." And he pointed to a distant corner.</p> + +<p>I walked through the crowds of purchasers +and salespeople, and around the counters and +tables filled with goods, to the far room to the +left. When I got there I asked for red calico.</p> + +<p>"The second counter down this side," said +the man.</p> + +<p>I went there and produced my sample. "Calicoes +down-stairs," said the man.</p> + +<p>"They told me they were up here," I said.</p> + +<p>"Not these plain goods. You'll find 'em +down-stairs at the back of the store, over on +that side."</p> + +<p>I went down-stairs to the back of the store.</p> + +<p>"Where will I find red calico like this?" I +asked.</p> + +<p>"Next counter but one," said the man addressed, +walking with me in the direction +pointed out.</p> + +<p>"Dunn, show red calicoes."</p> + +<p>Mr. Dunn took my sample and looked at it.</p> + +<p>"We haven't this shade in that quality of +goods," he said.</p> + +<p>"Well, have you it in any quality of goods?" +I asked.</p> + +<p>"Yes; we've got it finer." And he took +down a piece of calico, and unrolled a yard or +two of it on the counter.</p> + +<p>"That's not this shade," I said.</p> + +<p>"No," said he. "The goods is finer and the +color's better."</p> + +<p>"I want it to match this," I said.</p> + +<p>"I thought you weren't particular about the +match," said the salesman. "You said you +didn't care for the quality of the goods, and +you know you can't match goods without you +take into consideration quality and color both. +If you want that quality of goods in red, you +ought to get Turkey-red."</p> + +<p>I did not think it necessary to answer this +remark, but said:</p> + +<p>"Then you've got nothing to match this?"</p> + +<p>"No, sir. But perhaps they may have it in +the upholstery department, in the sixth +story."</p> + +<p>So I got in the elevator and went up to the +top of the house.</p> + +<p>"Have you any red stuff like this?" I said +to a young man.</p> + +<p>"Red stuff? Upholstery department,—other +end of this floor."</p> + +<p>I went to the other end of the floor.</p> + +<p>"I want some red calico," I said to a man.</p> + +<p>"Furniture goods?" he asked.</p> + +<p>"Yes," said I.</p> + +<p>"Fourth counter to the left."</p> + +<p>I went to the fourth counter to the left, and +showed my sample to a salesman. He looked +at it, and said:</p> + +<p>"You'll get this down on the first floor—calico +department."</p> + +<p>I turned on my heel, descended in the elevator, +and went out on Broadway. I was thoroughly +sick of red calico. But I determined to +make one more trial. My wife had bought her +red calico not long before, and there must be some +to be had somewhere. I ought to have asked +her where she bought it, but I thought a simple +little thing like that could be bought anywhere.</p> + +<p>I went into another large dry-goods store. +As I entered the door a sudden tremor seized +me. I could not bear to take out that piece of +red calico. If I had had any other kind of a +rag about me—a pen-wiper or any thing of the +sort—I think I would have asked them if they +could match that.</p> + +<p>But I stepped up to a young woman and presented +my sample, with the usual question.</p> + +<p>"Back room, counter on the left," she said.</p> + +<p>I went there.</p> + +<p>"Have you any red calico like this?" I asked +of the lady behind the counter.</p> + +<p>"No, sir," she said, "but we have it in Turkey-red."</p> + +<p>Turkey-red again! I surrendered.</p> + +<p>"All right," I said, "give me Turkey-red."</p> + +<p>"How much, sir?" she asked.</p> + +<p>"I don't know—say five yards."</p> + +<p>The lady looked at me rather strangely, but +measured off five yards of Turkey-red calico. +Then she rapped on the counter and called out +"cash!" A little girl, with yellow hair in two +long plaits, came slowly up. The lady wrote +the number of yards, the name of the goods, +her own number, the price, the amount of the +bank-note I handed her, and some other matters, +probably the color of my eyes, and the +direction and velocity of the wind, on a slip of +paper. She then copied all this in a little book +which she kept by her. Then she handed the +slip of paper, the money, and the Turkey-red +to the yellow-haired girl. This young girl +copied the slip in a little book she carried, and +then she went away with the calico, the paper +slip, and the money.</p> + +<p>After a very long time,—during which the +little girl probably took the goods, the money, +and the slip to some central desk, where the +note was received, its amount and number +entered in a book, change given to the girl, a +copy of the slip made and entered, girl's entry +examined and approved, goods wrapped up, +girl registered, plaits counted and entered on a +slip of paper and copied by the girl in her +book, girl taken to a hydrant and washed, +number of towel entered on a paper slip and +copied by the girl in her book, value of my +note and amount of change branded somewhere +on the child, and said process noted on a slip of +paper and copied in her book,—the girl came +to me, bringing my change and the package of +Turkey-red calico.</p> + +<p>I had time for but very little work at the +office that afternoon, and when I reached home, +I handed the package of calico to my wife +She unrolled it and exclaimed:</p> + +<p>"Why, this don't match the piece I gave +you!"</p> + +<p>"Match it!" I cried. "Oh, no! it don't +match it. You didn't want that matched. +You were mistaken. What you wanted was +Turkey-red—third counter to the left. I mean, +Turkey-red is what they use."</p> + +<p>My wife looked at me in amazement, and +then I detailed to her my troubles.</p> + +<p>"Well," said she, "this Turkey-red is a great +deal prettier than what I had, and you've got +so much of it that I needn't use the other at +all. I wish I had thought of Turkey-red +before."</p> + +<p>"I wish from my heart you had," said I.</p> + +<p>ANDREW SCOGGIN.</p> + +<p>—<i>The Lady or the Tiger, and other stories.</i></p> + + + +<hr style="width: 65%;" /> +<h2><a name="HARRIET_PRESCOTT_SPOFFORD" id="HARRIET_PRESCOTT_SPOFFORD"></a>HARRIET PRESCOTT SPOFFORD.</h2> + +<h2>(BORN, 1835.)</h2> + +<hr style='width: 45%;' /> + +<h2><a name="AUNT_PENS_FUNERAL" id="AUNT_PENS_FUNERAL"></a>AUNT PEN'S FUNERAL.</h2> + + +<p>Poor Aunt Pen! I am sorry to say it, +but for a person alive and well—tolerably +well and very much alive, that is—she did +use to make the greatest business of dying! +Alive! why, when she was stretched out on the +sofa, after an agony of asthma, or indigestion, +or whatever, and had called us all about her +with faltering and tears, and was apparently at +her last gasp, she would suddenly rise, like her +own ghost, at the sound of a second ringing of +the door-bell, which our little renegade Israel +had failed to answer, and declare if she could +only once lay hands on Israel she would box his +ears till they heard!</p> + +<p>For the door-bell was, perhaps, among many, +one of Aunt Pen's weakest points. She knew +everybody in town, as you might say. She was +exceedingly entertaining to everybody outside +the family. She was a great favorite with everybody. +Countless gossips came to see her, tinkling +at the door-bell, and hated individually by +Israel, brought her all the news, heard all the +previous ones had brought, admired her, praised +her, pitied her, listened to her, and went away +leaving her in such satisfied mood that she did +not die any more that day. And as they went +away they always paused at the door to say to +some one of us what a cheerful invalid Aunt +Pen had made herself, and what a nest of sunbeams +her room always was, and what a lesson +her patience and endurance ought to be. But, +oh dear me, how very little they knew about it +all!</p> + +<p>We all lived together, as it happened; for +when we children were left alone with but a +small income, Aunt Pen—who was also alone, +and only five years my senior—wrote word that +we might as well come to her house in the city, +for it wouldn't make expenses more, and might +make them less if we divided them; and then, +too, she said she would always be sure of one +out of three bright and reasonable nurses. Poor +Aunt Pen! perhaps she didn't find us either so +bright or so reasonable as she had expected; for +we used to think that in her less degree she +went on the same principle with the crazy man +who declared all the rest of the world except +himself insane.</p> + +<p>In honest truth, as doctor after doctor was +turned away by the impatient and distempered +woman up-stairs, each one took occasion to say +to us down-stairs that our aunt's illness was of +that nature that all the physic it required was +to have her fancies humored, and that we never +need give ourselves any uneasiness, for she +would doubtless live to a good old age, unless +some acute disease should intervene, as there +was nothing at all the matter with her except a +slight nervous sensitiveness, that never destroyed +anybody. I suppose we were a set of +young heathen, for really there were times, if +you will believe it, when that was not the most +reassuring statement in the world.</p> + +<p>However. Sometimes Aunt Pen found a +doctor, or a medicine, or a course of diet, or +something, that gave her great sensations of +relief, and then she would come down, and go +about the house, and praise our administration, +and say every thing went twice as far as it used +to go before we came, and tell us delightful +stories, of our mother's housewifely skill, and be +quite herself again; and she would make the +table ring with laughing, and give charming +little tea-parties; and then we all did wish that +Aunt Pen would live forever—and be down-stairs. +But probably the next day, after one of +the tea-parties, oysters, or claret punch, or hot +cakes, or all together, had wrought their diablerie, +and the doctor was sent for, and the +warming-pan was brought out, and there was +another six weeks' siege, in which, obeyed by +every one, and physicked by herself, and sympathized +with to her heart's content by callers, +and shut up in a hot room with the windows +full of flowering plants, and somebody reading +endless novels to her with the lights burning all +night long—if she wasn't ill she had every inducement +to be, and nothing but an indomitable +constitution hindered it. It was perfectly +idle for us to tell her she was hurting herself; +it only made her very indignant with us, and +more determined than ever to persist in doing +so.</p> + +<p>Of course, then, the longer Aunt Pen staid in +her own room the worse she really did get, and +her nerves, with confinement and worry and +relaxation, would by-and-by be in a condition +for any sort of an outburst if we attempted the +least reasoning with her. She would become, +for one thing, as sleepless as an owl; then she +was thoroughly sure she was going to be insane, +and down would go the hydrate of chloral till +the doctor forbade it on pain of death. After +the chloral, too, such horrid eyes as she had! +the eyes, you know, that chloral always leaves—inflamed, +purple, swollen, heavy, crying, and +good for any thing but seeing. Immediately +then Aunt Pen went into a new tantrum; she +was going to be stone-blind, and dependent on +three heartless hussies for all her mercies in this +life; but no, thank goodness! she had friends +that would see she did not go absolutely to the +wall, and would never suffer her to be imposed +on by a parcel of girls who didn't care whether +she lived or died—who perhaps would rather +she did die—who stood open-handed for her +bequests; she would leave her money to the +almshouse, and if we wanted it we could go +and get it there! And after that, to be sure, +Aunt Pen would have a fit of remorse for her +words, and confess her sin chokingly, and have +us all come separately and forgive her, and +would say she was the wretchedest woman on +the face of the earth, that she should live undesired +until her friends were all tired, and then +die unlamented; and would burst into tears +and cry herself into a tearing headache, and +have ice on her head and a blister on the back +of her neck, and be quite confident that now +she was really going off with congestion of the +brain.</p> + +<p>After that, for a day or two, she would be in +a heavenly frame of mind with the blister and +cabbage leaves and simple cerate, and a couple +of mirrors by which to examine the rise and +fall of the blister; and, having had a hint of +real illness, she would consent quite smilingly +to the act of convalescence, and a descent to +the healthy region of the parlors once more.</p> + +<p>But no sooner were we all gay and happy in +the house again, running out as we pleased, beginning +to think of parties and drives and +theatres and all enjoyment—and rather unobservant, +as young folks are apt to be unobservant +of Aunt Pen's slight habitual pensiveness in +the absence of guests or excitement, and of her +ways generally—than Aunt Pen would challenge +some lobster-salad to mortal combat, and, of +course, come out floored by the colic. A little +whiskey then; and as a little gave so much +ease, she would try a great deal. The result +always was a precipitate retreat up-stairs, a +howling hysteric, bilious cramps, the doctor, a +subcutaneous injection of morphine in her +arm; then chattering like a magpie, relapsed +into awful silence, and, convinced that the morphine +had been carried straight to her heart, a +composing of her hands and feet, an injured +dismissal of every soul from the room, with the +assurance that we should find her straight and +stiff and stone-dead in the morning.</p> + +<p>We never did. For, as we seldom had opportunity +of an undisturbed night's rest, we +usually took her at her word if any access of ill +temper, or despair, or drowsiness occasioned +banishment from the presence. Not that we +had always been so calm about it; there was a +time when we were excited with every alarm, +thrown into flurries and panics quite to Aunt +Pen's mind, running after the doctor at two +o'clock of the morning, building a fire in the +range ourselves at midnight to make gruel +for her, rubbing her till we rubbed the skin off +our hands, combing her hair till we went to +sleep standing; but Aunt Pen had cried wolf +so long, and the doctors had all declared so +stoutly that there was no wolf, that our once +soft hearts had become quite hard and concrete.</p> + +<p>When at last Aunt Pen had had an alarm +from nearly every illness for which the pharmacopœia +prescribes, and she knew that neither +we nor the doctors would listen to the probability +of their recurrence; she had an attack of +"sinking." No, there was no particular disease, +she used to say, only sinking; she had been +pulled down to an extent from which she had +no strength to recuperate; she was only sinking, +a little weaker to-day than she was yesterday—only +sinking. But Aunt Pen ate a very +good breakfast of broiled birds and toast and +coffee; a very good lunch of cold meats and +dainties, and a great goblet of thick cream; a +very good dinner of soup and roast and vegetables +and dessert, and perhaps a chicken bone at +eleven o'clock in the evening. And when the +saucy little Israel, who carried up her tray, +heard her say she was sinking, he remarked +that it was because of the load on her stomach.</p> + +<p>One day, I remember, Aunt Pen was very +much worse than usual. We were all in her +room, a sunshiny place which she had connected +with the adjoining one by sliding-doors, +so that it might be big enough for us all to +bring our work on occasion, and make it lively +for her. She had on a white-cashmere dressing-gown +trimmed with swan's-down, and she lay +among the luxurious cushions of a blue lounge, +with a paler blue blanket, which she had had +one of us tricot for her, lying over her feet, and +altogether she looked very ideal and ethereal; +for Aunt Pen always did have such an eye to +picturesque effect that I don't know how she +could ever consent to the idea of mouldering +away into dust like common clay.</p> + +<p>She had sent Maria down for Mel and me to +come up-stairs with whatever occupied us, for +she was convinced that she was failing fast, and +knew we should regret it if we did not have the +last of her. As we had received the same message +nearly every other day during the last +three or four weeks, we did not feel extraordinarily +alarmed, but composedly took our +baskets and scissors, and trudged along after +Maria.</p> + +<p>"I am sure I ought to be glad that I've succeeded +in training my nieces into such industrious +habits," said Aunt Pen, after a little +while, looking at Mel; "but I should think +that when a near relative approached the point +of death, the fact might throw needle and thread +into the background for a time." Then she +paused for Maria to fan a little more breath +into her. "It's different with Helen," soon +she said; "the white silk shawl she is netting +for me may be needed at any moment to lay +me out in."</p> + +<p>"Dear me, Aunt Pen!" cried Mel; "what a +picture you'd be, laid out in a white net +shawl!" For the doctor had told us to laugh +at these whims all we might.</p> + +<p>"Oh, you heartless girl!" said Aunt Pen. +"To think of pictures at such a time!" And +she closed her eyes as if weary of the world.</p> + +<p>"I never saw anybody who liked to revel in +the ghastly the way you do, Aunt Pen."</p> + +<p>"Mel!" said Aunt Pen, with quite a show of +color in her cheek; "I shall send you down +stairs."</p> + +<p>"Do," said Mel; "where I can cut out my +gown in peace."</p> + +<p>"Cutting a gown at the bedside of the dying! +Are you cold-blooded, or are you insensible?"</p> + +<p>"Aunt Pen," said Mel, leaning on the point +of her scissors, "you know very well that I have +to make my own dresses or go without them. +And you have kept me running your idle errands, +up and down two flights of stairs, to the +doctor's and the druggist's, and goodness knows +where and all, till I haven't a thread of any +thing that is fit to be seen. You've been +posturing this grand finale of yours, too, all +the last three weeks, and it's time you had it +perfect now; and you must let me alone till I +get my gown done."</p> + +<p>"It will do to wear at my funeral," said Aunt +Pen bitterly, as she concluded.</p> + +<p>"No, it won't," said Mel, doggedly; "it's +red."</p> + +<p>"Red!" cried Aunt Pen, suddenly opening +her eyes, and half raising on one hand. "What +in wonder have you bought a red dress for? +You are quite aware that I can't bear the least +intimation of the color. My nerves are in such +a state that a shred of red makes me—"</p> + +<p>"You won't see it, you know," said Mel in +what did seem to me an unfeeling manner.</p> + +<p>"No," said Aunt Pen. "Very true. I sha'n't +see it. But what," added she presently snapping +open her eyes, "considered as a mere +piece of economy, you bought a red dress for +when you are immediately going into black, +passes common-sense to conjecture! You had +better send it down and have it dyed at once +before you cut it, for the shrinkage will spoil it +forever if you don't."</p> + +<p>"Much black I shall go into," said Mel.</p> + +<p>Maria laughed. Aunt Pen cried.</p> + +<p>"Aunt Pen," said the cruel Mel, "if you +were going to die you wouldn't be crying. +Dying people have no tears to shed, the doctors +say."</p> + +<p>"Somebody ought to cry," said poor Aunt +Pen, witheringly. "Don't talk to me about +doctors," she continued, after a silence interrupted +only by the snipping of the scissors. +"They are a set of quacks. They know nothing. +I will have all the doctors in town at my +funeral for pall-bearers. It will be a satire too +delicate for them to appreciate, though. Speaking +of that occasion, Helen," she went on, turning +to me as a possible ally, "I have so many +friends that I suppose the house will be full."</p> + +<p>"Wouldn't you enjoy it more from church, +auntie?" said I.</p> + +<p>"Oh, you hard and wicked girls!" she cried. +"You're all alike. Listen to me! If you won't +hear my wishes, you must take my commands. +Now, in the first place, I want the parlors to be +overflowing with flowers, literally lined with +flowers. I don't care how much money it +takes; there'll be enough left for you—more +than you deserve. And I want you to be very +sure that I'm not to be exposed unless I look exactly +as I'd like to look. You're to put on my +white silk that I was to have been married in, +and my veil, and the false orange blossoms. +They're all in the third drawer of the press, and +the key's on my chatelaine. And if—if—well," +said Aunt Pen, more to herself than us, "if he +comes, he'll understand. The Bride of Death."</p> + +<p>After that she did not say any more for some +minutes, and we were all silent and sorry, and +Mel was fidgeting in a riot of repentance; we +had never, either of us, heard a word of any +romance of Aunt Pen's before. We began to +imagine that there might be some excuse for +the overthrow of Aunt Pen's nervous system, +some reality in the overthrow. "You will +leave this ring on my finger;" said she; by-and-by. +"If Chauncey Read comes, and wants it, +he will take it off. It will fit his finger as well +now, I suppose, as it did when he wore it before +he gave it to me." Then Aunt Pen bit +her lip and shut her eyes, and seemed to be +slipping off into a gentle sleep.</p> + +<p>"By-the-way!" said she, suddenly, sitting +upright on the lounge, "I won't have the +horses from Brown's livery—</p> + +<p>"The what, auntie?"</p> + +<p>"The horses for the cortége. You know +Brown puts that magnificent span of his in the +hearse on account of their handsome action. +I'm sure Mrs. Gaylard would have been frightened +to death if she could only have seen the +way they pranced at her funeral last fall. I was +determined then that they should never draw +me;" and Aunt Pen shivered for herself beforehand. +"And I can't have them from Timlin's, +for the same reason," said she. "All his +animals are skittish; and you remember when +a pair of them took fright and dashed away +from the procession and ran straight to the +river, and there'd have been four other funerals +if the schooner at the wharf hadn't stopped +the runaways. And Timlins has a way, too, of +letting white horses follow the hearse with the +first mourning-coach, and it's very bad luck, +very—an ill omen; a prophecy of Death and the +Pale Horse again, you know. And I won't +have them from Shust's, either," said Aunt Pen, +"for he is simply the greatest extortioner since +old Isaac the Jew."</p> + +<p>"Well, auntie," said Mel, forgetful of her +late repentance, "I don't see but you'll have +to go with Shank's mare."</p> + +<p>Even Aunt Pen laughed then. "Don't you +really think you are going to lose me, girls?" +asked she.</p> + +<p>"No, auntie," replied Maria. "We all think +you are a hypo."</p> + +<p>"A hypo?"</p> + +<p>"Not a hypocrite," said Mel, "but a hypochondriac."</p> + +<p>"I wish I were," sighed Aunt Pen; "I wish +I were. I should have some hope of myself +then," said the poor inconsistent innocent. +"Oh no, no; I feel it only too well; I am going +fast. You will all regret your disbelief when I +am gone;" and she lay back among her pillows. +"That reminds me," she murmured, +presently. "About my monument."</p> + +<p>"Oh, Aunt Pen, do be still," said Mel.</p> + +<p>"No," said Aunt Pen, firmly; "it may be a +disagreeable duty, but that is all the better +reason for me to bring my mind to it. And if +I don't attend to it now, it never will be attended +to. I know what relatives are. They +put down a slab of slate with a skull and cross-bones +scratched on it, and think they've done +their duty. Not that I mean any reflections on +you; you're all well-meaning, but you're giddy. +I shall haunt you if you do any thing of the +kind! No; you may send Mr. Mason up here +this afternoon, and I will go over his designs +with him. I am going to have carved Carrara +marble, set in a base of polished Scotch granite, +and the inscription is—Girls!" cried Aunt +Pen, rising and clasping her knees with unexpected +energy, "I expressly forbid my age +being printed in the paper, or on the lid, or on +the stone! I won't gratify every gossip in +town, that I won't! I shall take real pleasure +in baffling their curiosity. And another thing, +while I am about it, don't you ask Tom Maltby +to my funeral, or let him come in, if he comes +himself, on any account whatever. I should +rise in my shroud if he approached me. Yes, I +should! Tom Maltby may be all very well; I +dare say he is; and I hope I die at peace with +him and all mankind, as a good Christian +should. I forgive him; yes, certainly, I forgive +him; but it doesn't follow that I need forget +him; and, so long as I remember him, the way +he conducted in buying the pew over my head +I can't get over, dead or alive. And if I only +do get well we shall have a reckoning that will +make his hair stand on end—that he may rely +on!" And here Aunt Pen took the fan from +Maria, and moved it actively, till she remembered +herself, when she resigned it. "One +thing more," she said. "Whatever happens, +Helen, don't let me be kept over Sunday. +There'll certainly be another death in the family +within the year if you do. If I die on Saturday, +there's no help for it. Common decency +won't let you shove me into the ground at +once, and so you will have to make up your +minds for a second summons." And Aunt +Pen, contemplating the suttee of some one of +us with great philosophy, lay down and closed +her eyes again. "You might have it by torchlight +on Sunday night, though," said she, half +opening them. "That would be very pretty." +And then she dropped off to sleep with such a +satisfied expression of countenance that we +judged her to be welcoming in imagination the +guests at her last rites herself.</p> + +<p>Whatever the dream was, she was rudely +roused from it by the wreched little Israel, who +came bounding up the stairs, and, without word +or warning, burst into the room, almost white +with horror. Why Israel was afraid I can't +conjecture, but, at any rate, a permanent fright +would have been of great personal advantage +to him. "Oh, ma'am! oh, miss! dere's a pusson +down stairs, a cullud woman, wid der small-pox!" +he almost whistled in his alarm.</p> + +<p>"With the small-pox!" cried Aunt Pen, +springing into the middle of the floor, regardless +of her late repose <i>in articulo mortis</i>. "Go +away, Israel! Have you been near her? Put +her out immediately! How on earth did she +get there?"</p> + +<p>"You allus telled me to let everybody in," +chattered Israel.</p> + +<p>"Put her out! put her out!" cried Aunt +Pen, half dancing with impatience.</p> + +<p>"We can't get her out. She's right acrost +der door-step. We's feared ter tech her."</p> + +<p>But Aunt Pen's head was out of the window, +and she was shouting: "Police! fire! murder! +thieves!" possibly in the order of importance +of the four calamities, but quite as if she had +a plenty of breath left; and, for a wonder, the +police came to the rescue, and directly afterward +an ambulance took the poor victim of the +frightful epidemic to the hospital. I believe it +turned out to be only measles after all, though.</p> + +<p>"Run, Israel!" screamed Aunt Pen then; +"run instantly and bring home a couple of +pounds of roll-brimstone, and tell the maids to +riddle the furnace fire and make it as bright and +hot as possible, and to light fires in the parlor +grates, and in the old Latrobe, and in every +room in the house, without losing a minute. +We'll make this house too warm for it!"</p> + +<p>And, to our amazement, as soon as Israel +came darting back with the impish material, +Aunt Pen took a piece in each hand, directed +us to do the same, and wrapping the blue afghan +round her shoulders, descended to the +lower rooms three steps at a time, sent for the +doctor to come and vaccinate us, and having +set a chair precisely over the register where a +red-hot stream of air was pouring up, she +placed herself upon it and issued her orders.</p> + +<p>Every window was closed, every grate from +basement to attic had a fire lighted in it, and +little pans of brimstone were burning in every +room and hall in the house, while we, astonished, +indignant, frightened, and amused, sat +enduring the torments of vapor and sulphur +baths to the point of suffocation.</p> + +<p>"I can't bear this another moment," wheezed +Mel.</p> + +<p>"It's the only way," replied Aunt Pen, serenely, +with a rivulet trickling down her nose. +"You kill the germs by heat, and since we +can't bake ourselves quite to death, we make +sure of the work by the fumes."</p> + +<p>And as she sat there, her face rubicund, her +swan's-down straight, drops on her cheeks, her +chin, her forehead, and wherever drops could +cling, her eyes watering, her curls limp, and an +atmosphere of unbearable odor enveloping her +in its cloud, the front door opened, and a footstep +rung on the tiles.</p> + +<p>"Jess you keep out o' yer!" yelled Israel to +the intruder, seeing it wasn't the doctor. +"We's got der small-pox, and am a-killing de +gemmens—"</p> + +<p>"Pen!" cried a man's voice through the +smoke—a deep, melodious voice.</p> + +<p>"What!" exclaimed Aunt Pen, starting up, +and then pausing as if she fancied the horrid +fumes might have befogged her brain.</p> + +<p>"Pen!" the voice cried again.</p> + +<p>"Chauncey! Chauncey Read!" she shrieked. +"Where do you come from? Am I dreaming?"</p> + +<p>"From the North Pacific," answered the +voice; and we dimly discerned its owner groping +his way forward. "From the five years' +whaling voyage into which I was gagged and +dragged—shanghaied, they call it. O, Pen, I +didn't dare to hope I should find—"</p> + +<p>"Oh, Chauncey, is it you?" she cried, and +fell fainting at his feet.</p> + +<p>The draught from the open door after him +was blowing away the smoke, and we saw what +a great, sunburned, handsome fellow it was that +had caught her in his arms, and was bearing +her out to the back balcony and the fresh air +there, used in the course of his whaling voyage, +perhaps, to odors no more belonging to Araby +the Blest than those of burning brimstone do; +and, seeing the movement, we divined that he +knew as much about the resources of the house +as we did, and so we discreetly withdrew, Israel's +head being twisted behind him as he went +to such extent that you might have supposed +he had had his neck wrung.</p> + +<p>Well, we put the white silk and the tulle on +Aunt Pen after all; yellow as it was, she would +have no other—only fresh, natural orange blossoms +in place of the false wreath. And if we +had not so often had her word for it in past +times, we never should have taken her for any +thing but the gayest bride, the most alive and +happy woman in the world. They returned to +the old house from their wedding journey, and +we all live together in great peace and pleasantness. +But though three years are passed and +gone since Chauncey Read came home and +brought a new atmosphere with him into our +lives, Aunt Pen has never had a sick day yet; +and we find that any allusion to her funeral +gives her such a superstitious trembling that we +are pleased to believe it indefinitely postponed, +and by tacit and mutual consent we never say +any thing about it.—<i>Harper's Magazine</i>, June, +1872.</p> + + + +<hr style="width: 65%;" /> +<h2><a name="SAMUEL_LANGHORNE_CLEMENS" id="SAMUEL_LANGHORNE_CLEMENS"></a>SAMUEL LANGHORNE CLEMENS.</h2> + +<h2>("MARK TWAIN.")</h2> + +<h2>(BORN, 1835.)</h2> + +<hr style='width: 45%;' /> + +<h2><a name="THE_CELEBRATED_JUMPING_FROG_OF_CALAVERAS_COUNTY" id="THE_CELEBRATED_JUMPING_FROG_OF_CALAVERAS_COUNTY"></a>THE CELEBRATED JUMPING FROG OF CALAVERAS +COUNTY.</h2> + + +<p>In compliance with the request of a friend +of mine, who wrote me from the East, I +called on good-natured, garrulous old Simon +Wheeler, and inquired after my friend's friend, +<i>Leonidas W.</i> Smiley, as requested to do, and I +hereunto append the result. I have a lurking +suspicion that <i>Leonidas W.</i> Smiley is a myth; +that my friend never knew such a personage; +and that he only conjectured that, if I asked +old Wheeler about him, it would remind him +of his infamous <i>Jim</i> Smiley, and he would go +to work and bore me nearly to death with some +infernal reminiscence of him as long and tedious +as it should be useless for me. If that was the +design, it certainly succeeded.</p> + +<p>I found Simon Wheeler dozing comfortably +by the bar-room stove of the old, dilapidated +tavern in the ancient mining camp of Angel's, +and I noticed that he was fat and bald-headed, +and had an expression of winning gentleness +and simplicity upon his tranquil countenance. +He roused up and gave me good-day. I told +him a friend of mine had commissioned me to +make some inquiries about a cherished companion +of his boyhood named <i>Leonidas W.</i> +Smiley—<i>Rev. Leonidas W.</i> Smiley—a young +minister of the Gospel, who he had heard was +at one time a resident of Angel's Camp. I +added that, if Mr. Wheeler could tell me any +thing about this Rev. Leonidas W. Smiley, I +would feel under many obligations to him.</p> + +<p>Simon Wheeler backed me into a corner and +blockaded me there with his chair, and then sat +me down and reeled off the monotonous narrative +which follows this paragraph. He never +smiled, he never frowned, he never changed his +voice from the gentle-flowing key to which he +tuned the initial sentence, he never betrayed +the slightest suspicion of enthusiasm; but all +through the interminable narrative there ran a +vein of impressive earnestness and sincerity, +which showed me plainly that, so far from his +imagining that there was any thing ridiculous +or funny about his story, he regarded it as a +really important matter, and admired its two +heroes as men of transcendent genius in <i>finesse</i>. +To me, the spectacle of a man drifting serenely +along through such a queer yarn without ever +smiling, was exquisitely absurd. As I said before, +I asked him to tell me what he knew of +Rev. Leonidas W. Smiley, and he replied as +follows. I let him go on in his own way, and +never interrupted him once:</p> + +<p>There was a feller here once by the name of +<i>Jim</i> Smiley, in the winter of '49—or may be it +was the spring of '50—I don't recollect exactly, +somehow, though what makes me think it was +one or the other is because I remember the big +flume wasn't finished when he first came to the +camp; but any way he was the curiosest man +about always betting on any thing that turned +up you ever see, if he could get anybody to bet +on the other side; and if he couldn't, he'd +change sides. Any way that suited the other +man would suit him—any way just so's he got +a bet, <i>he</i> was satisfied. But still he was lucky, +uncommon lucky; he most always come out +winner. He was always ready and laying for a +chance; there couldn't be no solitry thing +mentioned but that feller'd offer to bet on it, +and take any side you please, as I was just +telling you. If there was a horse-race, you'd +find him flush, or you'd find him busted at the +end of it; if there was a dog-fight, he'd bet on +it; if there was a cat-fight, he'd bet on it; if +there was a chicken-fight, he'd bet on it; why, +if there was two birds sitting on a fence, he +would bet you which one would fly first; or if +there was a camp-meeting, he would be there +reg'lar, to bet on Parson Walker, which he +judged to be the best exhorter about here, and +so he was, too, and a good man. If he even +seen a straddle-bug start to go anywheres, he +would bet you how long it would take him to +get wherever he was going to, and if you took +him up, he would foller that straddle-bug to +Mexico but what he would find out where he +was bound for and how long he was on the +road. Lots of the boys here has seen that +Smiley, and can tell you about him. Why, it +never made no difference to <i>him</i>—he would bet +on <i>any</i> thing—the dangdest feller. Parson +Walker's wife laid very sick once, for a good +while, and it seemed as if they warn't going to +save her; but one morning he come in, and +Smiley asked how she was, and he said she was +considerable better—thank the Lord for his +inf'nit mercy—and coming on so smart that, +with the blessing of Prov'dence, she'd get well +yet; and Smiley, before he thought, says, +"Well, I'll risk two-and-a-half that she don't, +any way."</p> + +<p>This-yer Smiley had a mare—the boys called +her the fifteen-minute nag, but that was only +in fun, you know, because, of course, she was +faster than that—and he used to win money on +that horse, for all she was so slow and always +had the asthma, or the distemper, or the consumption, +or something of that kind. They +used to give her two or three hundred yards +start, and then pass her under way; but always +at the fag-end of the race she'd get excited and +desperate-like, and come cavorting and straddling +up, and scattering her legs around limber, +sometimes in the air, and sometimes out to one +side amongst the fences, and kicking up m-o-r-e +dust, and raising m-o-r-e racket with her coughing +and sneezing and blowing her nose—and +always fetch up at the stand just about a neck +ahead, as near as you could cipher it down.</p> + +<p>And he had a little small bull pup, that to +look at him you'd think he wan't worth a cent, +but to set around and look ornery, and lay for +a chance to steal something. But as soon as +the money was up on him, he was a different +dog; his under-jaw'd begin to stick out like +the fo'castle of a steamboat, and his teeth would +uncover, and shine savage like the furnaces. +And a dog might tackle him, and bully-rag +him, and bite him, and throw him over his +shoulder two or three times, and Andrew Jackson—which +was the name of the pup—Andrew +Jackson would never let on but what <i>he</i> was +satisfied, and hadn't expected nothing else—and +the bets being doubled and doubled on the +other side all the time, till the money was all +up; and then all of a sudden he would grab that +other dog jest by the j'int of his hind leg and +freeze to it—not chaw, you understand, but only +jest grip and hang on till they throwed up the +sponge, if it was a year. Smiley always come +out winner on that pup, till he harnessed a dog +once that didn't have no hind legs, because +they'd been sawed off by a circular saw, and +when the thing had gone along far enough, and +the money was all up, and he come to make a +snatch for his pet holt, he saw in a minute how +he'd been imposed on, and how the other dog +had him in the door, so to speak, and he 'peared +surprised, and then he looked sorter discouraged-like, +and didn't try no more to win the +fight, and so he got shucked out bad. He give +Smiley a look, as much as to say his heart was +broke, and it was <i>his</i> fault, for putting up a dog +that hadn't no hind legs for him to take holt +of, which was his main dependence in a fight, +and then he limped off a piece and laid down +and died. It was a good pup, was that Andrew +Jackson, and would have made a name for hisself +if he'd lived, for the stuff was in him, and +he had genius—I know it, because he hadn't +had no opportunities to speak of, and it don't +stand to reason that a dog could make such a +fight as he could under them circumstances, if +he hadn't no talent. It always makes me feel +sorry when I think of that last fight of his'n, +and the way it turned out.</p> + +<p>Well, this-yer Smiley had rat-tarriers, and +chicken cocks, and tom-cats, and all them kind +of things, till you couldn't rest, and you +couldn't fetch nothing for him to bet on but +he'd match you. He ketched a frog one day, +and took him home, and said he cal'klated to +edercate him; and so he never done nothing +for three months but set in his back yard and +learn that frog to jump. And you bet you he +<i>did</i> learn him, too. He'd give him a little +punch behind, and the next minute you'd see +that frog whirling in the air like a doughnut—see +him turn one summerset, or may be a +couple, if he got a good start, and come down +flat-footed and all right, like a cat. He got +him up so in the matter of catching flies, and +kept him in practice so constant, that he'd nail +a fly every time as far as he could see him. +Smiley said all a frog wanted was education, +and he could do most any thing—and I believe +him. Why, I've seen him set Dan'l Webster +down here on this floor—Dan'l Webster was +the name of the frog—and sing out, "Flies, +Dan'l, flies!" and quicker'n you could wink, +he'd spring straight up, and snake a fly off'n +the counter there, and flop down on the floor +again as solid as a gob of mud, and fall to +scratching the side of his head with his hind +foot as indifferent as if he hadn't no idea he'd +been doin' any more'n any frog might do. +You never see a frog so modest and straight-for'ard +as he was, for all he was so gifted. And +when it come to fair and square jumping on a +dead level, he could get over more ground at +one straddle than any animal of his breed you +ever see. Jumping on a dead level was his +strong suit, you understand; and when it come +to that, Smiley would ante up money on him +as long as he had a red. Smiley was monstrous +proud of his frog, and well he might be, for +fellers that had travelled and been everywheres, +all said he laid over any frog that ever <i>they</i> see.</p> + +<p>Well, Smiley kept the beast in a little lattice +box, and he used to fetch him down town +sometimes and lay for a bet. One day a feller—a +stranger in the camp, he was—come across +him with his box, and says,</p> + +<p>"What might it be that you've got in the +box?"</p> + +<p>And Smiley says, sorter indifferent like, "It +might be a parrot, or it might be a canary, may +be, but it ain't—it's only just a frog."</p> + +<p>And the feller took it, and looked at it careful, +and turned it round this way and that, and +says, "H'm—so't is. Well, what's <i>he</i> good +for?"</p> + +<p>"Well," Smiley says, easy and careless, +"he's good enough for <i>one</i> thing, I should +judge—he can out-jump ary frog in Calaveras +county."</p> + +<p>The feller took the box again, and took another +long, particular look, and give it back to +Smiley, and says, very deliberate, "Well, I +don't see no p'ints about that frog that's any +better'n any other frog."</p> + +<p>"May be you don't," Smiley says. "May be +you understand frogs, and may be you don't +understand 'em; may be you've had experience, +and may be you ain't, only a amature, as +it were. Any ways, I've got <i>my</i> opinion, and +I'll risk forty dollars that he can out-jump any +frog in Calaveras county."</p> + +<p>And the feller studied a minute, and then +says, kinder sad like, "Well, I'm only a +stranger here, and I ain't got no frog; but if I +had a frog, I'd bet you."</p> + +<p>And then Smiley says, "That's all right—that's +all right—if you'll hold my box a minute, +I'll go and get you a frog." And so the +feller took the box, and put up his forty dollars +along with Smiley's, and set down to wait.</p> + +<p>So he set there a good while thinking and +thinking to hisself, and then he got the frog +out and prized his mouth open and took a teaspoon +and filled him full of quail shot—filled +him pretty near up to his chin—and set him on +the floor. Smiley he went to the swamp and +slopped around in the mud for a long time, and +finally he ketched a frog, and fetched him in, +and give him to this feller, and says:</p> + +<p>"Now, if you're ready, set him alongside of +Dan'l, with his fore-paws just even with Dan'l, +and I'll give the word." Then he says, "One—two—three—jump!" +and him and the feller +touched up the frogs from behind, and the new +frog hopped off, but Dan'l give a heave, and +hysted up his shoulders—so—like a Frenchman, +but it wan't no use—he couldn't budge; +he was planted as solid as an anvil, and he +couldn't no more stir than if he was anchored +out. Smiley was a good deal surprised, and he +was disgusted too, but he didn't have no idea +what the matter was, of course.</p> + +<p>The feller took the money and started away; +and when he was going out at the door, he +sorter jerked his thumb over his shoulders—this +way—at Dan'l, and says again, very deliberate, +"Well, I don't see no pints about that frog +that's any better'n any other frog."</p> + +<p>Smiley he stood scratching his head and +looking down at Dan'l a long time, and at last +he says, "I do wonder what in the nation that +frog throw'd off for—I wonder if there ain't +some thing the matter with him—he 'pears to +look mighty baggy, somehow." And he ketched +Dan'l by the nap of the neck, and lifted him up +and says, "Why, blame my cats, if he don't +weigh five pound!" and turned him upside +down, and he belched out a double handful of +shot. And then he see how it was, and he was +the maddest man—he set the frog down and +took out after that feller, but he never ketched +him. And—</p> + +<p>(Here Simon Wheeler heard his name called +from the front yard, and got up to see what +was wanted.) And turning to me as he moved +away, he said: "Just set where you are, +stranger, and rest easy—I an't going to be +gone a second."</p> + +<p>But, by your leave, I did not think that a +continuation of the history of the enterprising +vagabond <i>Jim</i> Smiley would be likely to afford +me much information concerning the Rev. <i>Leonidas +W.</i> Smiley, and so I started away.</p> + +<p>At the door I met the sociable Wheeler +returning, and he buttonholed me and recommenced:</p> + +<p>"Well, this-yer Smiley had a yaller one-eyed +cow that didn't have no tail, only just a +short stump like a bannanner, and—"</p> + +<p>"Oh, hang Smiley and his afflicted cow!" +I muttered, good-naturedly, and bidding the +old gentleman good-day, I departed.</p> + + + +<hr style="width: 65%;" /> +<h2><a name="FITZ_HUGH_LUDLOW" id="FITZ_HUGH_LUDLOW"></a>FITZ HUGH LUDLOW.</h2> + +<h2>(BORN, 1836—DIED, 1870.)</h2> + +<hr style='width: 45%;' /> + +<h2><a name="BEN_THIRLWALLS_SCHOOLDAYS" id="BEN_THIRLWALLS_SCHOOLDAYS"></a>BEN THIRLWALL'S SCHOOLDAYS.</h2> + + +<p>My name is Ben Thirlwall, and I am the +son of rich but honest parents. I +never had a wish ungratified until I was twelve +years of age. My wish then was to stay on a +two-year-old colt which had never been broken. +He did not coincide with me, and a vast revelation +of the resistances to individual will of +which the universe is capable, also of a terrestrial +horizon, bottom upward, burst upon me +during the brief space which I spent in flying +over his head. Picked up senseless, I was carried +to the bosom of my family on a wheelbarrow, +and awoke to the consciousness that +my parents had decided on sending me to a +boarding-school,—a remedy to this day sovereign +in the opinion of all well-regulated parents +for all tangential aberrations from the back of +a colt or the laws of society.</p> + +<p>The principal's name was Barker; and my only +clue to his character consisted in overhearing +that he was an excellent disciplinarian. I was +afraid to ask what that meant, but on reflection +concluded it to be a geographical distinction, +and, associating him with Mesopotamia or +Beloochistan, expected to find him a person of +mild manners, who shaved his head, wore a tall +hat of dyed sheep's wool, and did a large business +in spices with people who visited him on +camels in a front-yard surrounded by sheds, +and having a fountain that played in the +middle.</p> + +<p>Having read several books of travels, I was +corroborated in my view when I learned that +Mr. Barker lived at the east, and still further, +when on going around point Judith on the +steamboat with my father, I became very sick +at the stomach, as all the travellers had done +in their first chapter.</p> + +<p>I need not say that the reality of Mr. Barker +was a very terrible awakening, which contained +no lineament of my purple dream, save the +bastinado. Without distinction of age or +season the youths who, as per circular, enjoyed +the softening influence of his refined Christian +home, rose to the sound of the gong at five +A.M., which may have been very nice in a +home for the early Christians, but was reported +among the boys to have entirely stopped the +growth of Little Briggs. This was a child, +whose mother had married again, and whose +step-father had felt his duty to his future too +keenly to deprive him of the benign influences +of Barker at any time in the last six years. +After rising, we had ten minutes to wash our +faces and hands,—a period by the experience +of mankind demonstrably insufficient, where +the soap is of that kind very properly denominated +cast-steel (though purists have a different +spelling), and you have to break an inch of ice +to get into the available region of your water-pitcher. +Chunks, who has since made a large +fortune on war-contracts, kept himself in peanuts +and four-cent pies for an entire winter +session, by selling an invention of his own, which +consisted of soap, dissolved in water on the +stove during the day-time, put in bottles hooked +from the lamp-room by means of a false key, +to be carried to bed and kept warm by boys, +whose pocket-money and desire for a prompt +detergent in the morning were adequate to the +disbursement of half a dime a package. I myself +took several violent colds from having the +glass next my skin during severe nights; but +that was nothing so bad as the case of Little +Briggs, who from lack of the half-dime, often +came down to prayers with a stripe of yesterday's +pencil black on one side of his nose, and +a shaving of soap, which, in the frenzy of despair +he had gouged out of his stony cake, on +the other. The state of mind consistent with +such a condition of countenance did not favor +correct recitation of the tougher names in +Deuteronomy; so, it can be a cause of surprise +to no one, that, when called on at prayers, and +prompted by a ridiculous neighbor, little Briggs +sometimes asserted Joshua to have driven out +the Hivites and the Amorites, and the Canaanites +and the Jebusites, and the Hittites and the +Perizzites, and the Moabites and the Musquito-bites, +for which he was regularly sent to bed on +Saturday afternoon, as he had no pocket-money +to stop, his papa desiring him to learn +self-denial young, as he was intended for a missionary; +though goodness knows that there +wasn't enough of him to go round among many +heathen.</p> + +<p>From this specimen of discipline may be +learned the entire Barkerian system of training. +I was about to say, "<i>ex uno disce omnes</i>," +but, as it's the only Latin I remember from +the lot which got rubbed into—or rather over—me +at Barker's, I'm rather sparing of it, not +knowing but I can bring it in somewhere else +with better effect. As with the Word of God, +so with that of man,—the grand Barkerian idea +of how to fix it in a boy's memory was to send +him to bed, or excoriate his palm. If religion +and polite learning could have been communicated +by sheets, like chicken-pox, or blistered +into one like the stern but curative cantharides, +Mr. Barker's boys would have become the envy +of mankind and the beloved of the gods; but +not even Little Briggs died young from the latter +or any other cause, which speaks volumes +for his constitution....</p> + +<p>The two Misses Moodle came to establish a +young ladies' seminary in the village of Mungerville, +on whose outskirts our own school +was situated, bringing along with them, as the +county paper stated, "that charming atmosphere +of refinement and intellectuality in +which they ever moved"; and, what was of +more consequence, a capital of twenty girls to +start with. Professional politeness inspired Mr. +Barker to make a call on the fair strangers, which +the personal fascinations of the younger Miss +Moodle induced him to repeat. The atmosphere +of refinement and intellectuality gradually +acted on him in the nature of an intoxicating +gas, until at length, after twenty-five years of +successfully intrenched widowhood, he laid his +heart in the mits of the younger Miss Moodle, +and the two became one Barker.</p> + +<p>As a consequence of this union, social relations +began to be established between the two +schools. Mrs. Barker, of an occasional evening, +wished to run down and visit her sister. If Mr. +Barker was engaged in quarrying a page of +Cicero out of some stony boy in whom nature +had never made any Latin deposit, or had just +put a fresh batch of offenders into the penal +oven of untimely bed, and felt compelled to +run up now and then to keep up the fire under +them, by a harrowing description of the way +their parents would feel if they knew of their +behavior—an instrument dear to Mr. Barker as +a favorite poker to a boss-baker in love with +his profession—then, after a clucking noise, indicative +of how much he would like to chuck +her under the chin, but for the presence of +company, Mr. Barker would coo to Mrs. Barker, +"Lovey, your pick, sweet!" waving his hand +comprehensively over the whole school-room; +or "Dear, suppose we say Briggs, or Chunks, +or Thirlwall," as the case might be. The only +difficulty about Briggs was clothes. That used +to be obviated by a selection from the trunks of +intimate friends; and Briggs was such a nice +boy, that it was a real gratification to see him +with your best jacket on. Many's the time the +old fellow has said to Chunks or me, "What a +blessing that I grew! If I hadn't, how could +I ever wear your trousers?" In process of +time these occasional visits, as escort to Mrs. +Barker, expanded into an attendance of all the +older boys (when not in bed for moral baking +purposes) upon a series of bi-monthly soirees, +given by the remaining Miss Moodle, with a +superficial view to her pupils' attainment of +ease in society; and a material substratum of +sandwiches, which Miss Moodle preferred to +see, through the atmosphere of refinement and +intellectuality, as "a simple repast." To this +was occasionally added a refreshment, which I +have seen elsewhere only at Sunday-school picnics,—a +mild tap of slightly sweetened water, +which tasted as if lemons had formerly been +kept in the pail it was made in;—only for +Sunday-schools they make it strong at the outset, +and add water during the hymns, with a +vague but praiseworthy expectation that, in +view of the sacredness of the occasion, there +will be some miraculous interposition, as in the +case of the widow's cruse, to keep the beverage +up to proof; while Miss Moodle's liquor preserved +throughout the evening a weakness of +which generous natures scorned to take advantage +beyond the first tumbler.</p> + +<p>At this portion of my career I was dawned +upon by Miss Tucker. From mature years I +look back with a shudder upon the number of +parchmenty sandwiches which I ate, the reservoirs +of lemony water which I drank, in order +to be in that lovely creature's society. I experienced +agonies in thinking how much longer +it might be before I could get a coat with tails, +when I calculated how soon she would be +putting up her back hair. Her eyes were as +blue as I was when I thought she liked Briggs; +and she had a complexion compared with +which strawberries and cream were nowhere. +When she was sent to the piano, to show +people what the Moodle system could do in +the way of a musical education, I fell into a +cataleptic state and floated off upon a flood of +harmony. Miss Moodle and her mits, self and +lemon kids, even the sleepless eye of Barker, +watching for an indiscretion, upon the strength +of which he might defensibly send somebody +to bed the next Saturday afternoon, all vanished +from before me, swallowed up in a mild +glory, which contained but two objects,—an +angel with low neck and short sleeves, and +an insensate hippopotamus of a piano, which +did not wriggle all over with ecstasy when her +white fingers tickled him.</p> + +<p>At such moments I would gladly have gone +down on all fours, and had a key-board mortised +into my side at any expense of personal +torture, if Miss Tucker could only have played +a piece on me, and herself been conscious of +the chords she was awakening inside my jacket. +I loved her to that degree that my hair never +seemed brushed enough when I beheld her; +and I quite spoiled the shape of my best boots +through an elevation of the instep, caused by +putting a rolled-up pair of stockings inside each +heel, to approximate the manly stature, at our +bi-monthly meetings. Even her friend, Miss +Crickey, a mealy-faced little girl, with saffron +hair, who had been pushed by Miss Moodle so +far into the higher branches, that she had a +look of being perpetually frightened to death +with the expectation of hearing them crack and +let her down from a great height,—seemed +beautiful to me from the mere fact of daily +breathing the same air with such an angel, +sharing her liquorice-stick, and borrowing her +sweet little thimble.</p> + +<p>I had other reasons for prejudice in Miss +Crickey's favor. She was the only person to +whom I could talk freely regarding the depth +of my passion for Miss Tucker. Not even to the +object of that tremendous feeling could I utter +a syllable which seemed in any way adequate. +With an overpowering consciousness how ridiculous +it was, and not only so, but how far from +original, I could give her papers of lemon Jackson-balls, +hinting simultaneously that, though +plump as her cheeks, they were not half so +sweet; and through a figure, whose correct name +I have since learned to be periphrasis, I could +suggest how much my soul yearned to expire +on her ruby lips, by asking if she had ever played +doorkeeper; regretting that the atmosphere of +refinement and intellectuality did not admit of +that healthful recreation at Moodle's, and +begging her to guess whom I would call out if +I were doorkeeper myself. When she opened +her blue eyes innocently, and said, "Miss +Crickey?" the intimation was rejected with a +melancholy dissatisfaction, which would have +been disdain but for the character of my feelings +to its source. And when, on my pressing +her for the name of the favored mortal whom +she would call out if she were doorkeeper, she +slyly dropped her eyes and asked if Briggs +sounded any thing like it, I savagely refused to +consider the proposition at all, and for the rest +of the evening ate sandwiches to that degree I +wonder my life was not despaired of, and fled +for relief to the lemony bowl. The result of +this mad vortex having been colic and calomel, +after my return to Barker's on that evening, I +foreswore such dangerous excesses at the next +bi-monthly; but putting a larger pair of stockings +in each boot-heel, to impress Miss Tucker +with a sense of what she had lost, I devoted +myself during the earlier part of the evening to +a growing young woman, of the name of Wagstaff, +considerably older than myself and runing +straight up and down from whatever side +one might contemplate her. Her conversation +was not entertaining, unless from the Chinese +point of view, which, I understand, distinctly +favors monosyllables, and she giggled at me so +persistently that I feared Miss Tucker would +think I must be making myself ridiculous; but, +on her being sent to the piano, I stood and +turned over her music with a consciousness +that if I ever looked impressive it was then. +All this I did in the effort to seem gay, although +my heart was breaking. I had no comfort +on earth save the thought that I had been +brutal to Briggs, and that he sat in an obscure +corner of the room among some little girls in +Long Division, hiding, behind an assistant +teacher's skirts, the whitey-brown toe which +my blacking-brush refused to refresh, while I +bore my grief upon a pair of new boots plentifully +provided with squeak-leather. When Miss +Tucker slipped a little piece of paper into my +hand, as I made a hollow show of passing her +the sandwiches, I came very near dropping the +plate; and when I had a chance to open it unobserved, +and read the words, "Are you mad +with me?" I could not occupy my cold and +dreary pinnacle a moment longer, but sought +an early opportunity of squeezing her hand two +seats behind the voluminous asylum of Briggs's +toes, and whispering, slightly confused by intensity +of feeling, that if I had done any thing +I was sorry for, I was willing to be forgiven. +From that moment I was Miss Tucker's slave. +Oh, woman, woman! The string on which you +play us is as long as life; it ties your baby-bib; +it laces your queenly bodice; and on its slenderest +tag we dangle everywhere!—<i>Little +Briggs and I.</i> (<i>From Little Brother and Other +Genre Pictures</i>.)</p> + + +<h2><a name="SELECTIONS_FROM_A_BRACE_OF_BOYS" id="SELECTIONS_FROM_A_BRACE_OF_BOYS"></a>SELECTIONS FROM A BRACE OF BOYS.</h2> + +<p>I am a bachelor uncle. That, as a mere fact, +might happen to anybody; but I am a bachelor +uncle by internal fitness. I am one essentially, +just as I am an individual of the Caucasian division +of the human race; and if, through untoward +circumstances,—which Heaven forbid,—I +should lose my present position, I shouldn't +be surprised if you saw me out in the <i>Herald</i> +under "Situations Wanted—Males." Thanks +to a marrying tendency in the rest of my family, +I have now little need to advertise, all the +business being thrown into my way which a +single member of my profession can attend +to....</p> + +<p>I meander, like a desultory, placid river of an +old bachelor as I am, through the flowery mead +of several nurseries. I am detained by all the +little roots that run down into me to drink +happiness, but I linger longest among the children +of my sister Lu.</p> + +<p>Lu married Mr. Lovegrove. He is a merchant, +retired with a fortune amassed by the +old-fashioned, slow processes of trade, and regards +the mercantile life of the present day +only as so much greed and gambling Christianly +baptized.... Lu is my favorite sister; +Lovegrove an unusually good article of brother-in-law +and I cannot say that any of my nieces +and nephews interest me more than their two +children, Daniel and Billy, who are more unlike +than words can paint them. They are far apart +in point of years; Daniel is twenty-two, Billy +eleven. I was reminded of this fact the other +day by Billy, as he stood between my legs, +scowling at his book of sums.</p> + +<p>"'A boy has eighty-five turnips, and gives +his sister thirty,'—pretty present for a girl, +isn't it?" said Billy, with an air of supreme +contempt. "Could <i>you</i> stand such stuff,—say?"</p> + +<p>I put on my instructive face and answered,—</p> + +<p>"Well, my dear Billy, you know that arithmetic +is necessary to you if you mean to be an +industrious man and succeed in business. Suppose +your parents were to lose all their property, +what would become of them without a +little son who could make money and keep +accounts?"</p> + +<p>"Oh," said Billy, with surprise. "Hasn't +father got enough stamps to see him through?"</p> + +<p>"He has now, I hope; but people don't +always keep them. Suppose they should go +by some accident, when your father was too +old to make any more stamps for himself?"</p> + +<p>"You haven't thought of brother Daniel—"</p> + +<p>True; for nobody ever had, in connection +with the active employments of life.</p> + +<p>"No, Billy," I replied, "I forgot him; but +then, you know, Daniel is more of a student +than a business man, and—"</p> + +<p>"O Uncle Teddy! you don't think I mean +he'd support them? I meant I'd have to +take care of father and mother, and him too, +when they'd all got to be old people together. +Just think! I'm eleven, and he's twenty-two +so he is just twice as old as I am. How +old are you?"</p> + +<p>"Forty, Billy, last August."</p> + +<p>"Well, you aren't so awful old, and when I +get to be as old as you, Daniel will be eighty. +Seth Kendall's grandfather isn't more than +that, and he has to be fed with a spoon, and a +nurse puts him to bed, and wheels him round +in a chair like a baby. That takes the stamps, +I bet! Well, I'll tell you how I'll keep my +accounts; I'll have a stick, like Robinson Crusoe, +and every time I make a toadskin I'll +gouge a piece out of one side of the stick, and +every time I spend one I'll gouge a piece out +of the other."</p> + +<p>"Spend a <i>what</i>?" said the gentle and astonished +voice of my sister Lu, who, unperceived, +had slipped into the room.</p> + +<p>"A toadskin, ma," replied Billy, shutting up +Colburn with a farewell glance of contempt.</p> + +<p>"Dear, dear! Where does the boy learn such +horrid words?"</p> + +<p>"Why, ma, don't you know what a toadskin +is? Here's one," said Billy, drawing a dingy +five-cent stamp from his pocket. "And don't I +wish I had lots of 'em!"</p> + +<p>"Oh!" sighed his mother, "to think I should +have a child so addicted to slang! How I wish +he were like Daniel!"</p> + +<p>"Well, mother," replied Billy, "if you wanted +two boys just alike you'd oughter had twins. +There ain't any use of my trying to be like +Daniel now, when he's got eleven years the +start. Whoop! There's a dog-fight; hear +'em! It's Joe Casey's dog,—I know his +bark!"</p> + +<p>With these words my nephew snatched his +Glengarry bonnet from the table and bolted +downstairs to see the fun.</p> + +<p>"What will become of him?" said Lu, hopelessly; +"he has no taste for any thing but rough +play; and then such language as he uses! Why +<i>isn't</i> he like Daniel?"</p> + +<p>"I suppose because his Maker never repeats +himself. Even twins often possess strongly +marked individualities. Don't you think it +would be a good plan to learn Billy better before +you try to teach him? If you do, you'll +make something as good of him as Daniel +though it will be rather different from that +model."</p> + +<p>"Remember, Ned, that you never did like +Daniel as well as you do Billy. But we all +know the proverb about old maid's daughters +and old bachelor's sons. I wish you had Billy +for a month,—then you'd see."</p> + +<p>"I'm not sure that I'd do any better than +you. I might err as much in other directions +But I'd try to start right by acknowledging +that he was a new problem, not to be worked +without finding out the value of X in his particular +instance. The formula which solves one +boy will no more solve the next one than the +rule-of-three will solve a question in calculus,—or, +to rise into your sphere, than the receipt for +one-two-three-four cake will conduct you to a +successful issue through plum-pudding."</p> + +<p>I excel in metaphysical discussion, and was +about giving further elaboration to my favorite +idea, when the door burst open. Master Billy +came tumbling in with a torn jacket, a bloody +nose, the trace of a few tears in his eyes, and +the mangiest of cur dogs in his hands.</p> + +<p>"Oh my! my!! my!!!" exclaimed his +mother.</p> + +<p>"Don't you get scared, ma!" cried Billy, +smiling a stern smile of triumph; "I smashed +the nose off him! He wont sass me again for +nothing <i>this</i> while! Uncle Teddy, d'ye know +it wasn't a dog-fight, after all? There was that +nasty, good-for-nothing Joe Casey, 'n Patsy +Grogan, and a lot of bad boys from Mackerelville; +and they'd caught this poor little ki-oodle +and tied a tin pot to his tail, and were +trying to set Joe's dog on him, though he's ten +times littler."</p> + +<p>"You naughty, naughty boy! How did you +suppose your mother'd feel to see you playing +with those ragamuffins?"</p> + +<p>"Yes, I <i>played</i> 'em! I polished 'em,—that's +the play I did! Says I, 'Put down that poor +little pup; ain't you ashamed of yourself, Patsy +Grogan?' 'I guess you don't know who I am,' +says he. That's the way they always say, +Uncle Teddy, to make a fellow think they're +some awful great fighters. So says I again, +'Well, you put down that dog, or I'll show you +who I am'; and when he held on, I let him have. +Then he dropped the pup, and as I stooped to +pick it up he gave me one on the bugle."</p> + +<p>"<i>Bugle</i>! Oh! oh! oh!"</p> + +<p>"The rest pitched in to help him; but I +grabbed the pup, and while I was trying to +give as good as I got,—only a fellow can't do +it well with only one hand, Uncle Teddy,—up +came a policeman, and the whole crowd ran +away. So I got the dog safe, and here he is!"</p> + +<p>With that Billy set down his "ki-oodle," bid +farewell to every fear, and wiped his bleeding +nose. The unhappy beast slunk back between +the legs of his preserver and followed him out +of the room, as Lu, with an expression of +maternal despair, bore him away for the correction +of his dilapidated raiment and depraved +associations. I felt such sincere pride in this +young Mazzini of the dog-nation, that I was +vexed at Lu for bestowing on him reproof +instead of congratulation; but she was not the +only conservative who fails to see a good cause +and a heroic heart under a bloody nose and +torn jacket. I resolved that if Billy was punished +he should have his recompense before +long in an extra holiday at Barnum's or the +Hippotheatron.</p> + +<p>You already have some idea of my other +nephew, if you have noticed that none of us, +not even that habitual disrespecter of dignities, +Billy, ever called him Dan. It would have +seemed as incongruous as to call Billy William. +He was one of those youths who never gave +their parents a moment's uneasiness; who +never had to have their wills broken, and +never forget to put on their rubbers or take an +umbrella. In boyhood he was intended for a +missionary. Had it been possible for him to +go to Greenland's icy mountains without catching +cold, or India's coral strand, without getting +bilious, his parents would have carried out their +pleasing dream of contributing him to the +world's evangelization. Lu and Mr. Lovegrove +had no doubt that he would have been greatly +blessed if he could have stood it....</p> + +<p>Both she and his father always encouraged old +manners in him. I think they took such pride +in raising a peculiarly pale boy as a gardener +does in getting a nice blanch on his celery, and +so long as he was not absolutely sick, the graver +he was the better. He was a sensitive plant, +a violet by a mossy stone, and all that sort of +thing....</p> + +<p>At the time I introduce Billy, both Lu and +her husband were much changed. They had +gained a great deal in width of view and liberality +of judgment. They read Dickens, and +Thackeray with avidity; went now and then to +the opera; proposed to let Billy take a quarter +at Dodworth's; had statues in their parlor +without any thought of shame at their lack +of petticoats, and did multitudes of things +which, in their early married life, they would +have considered shocking.... They would +greatly have liked to see Daniel shine in society. +Of his erudition they were proud even +to worship. The young man never had any +business, and his father never seemed to think +of giving him any, knowing, as Billy would +say, that he had stamps enough to "see him +through." If Daniel liked, his father would +have endowed a professorship in some college +and given him the chair; but that would have +taken him away from his own room and the +family physician.</p> + +<p>Daniel knew how much his parents wished +him to make a figure in the world, and only +blamed himself for his failure, magnanimously +forgetting that they had crushed out the faculties +which enable a man to mint the small +change of every-day society, in the exclusive +cultivation of such as fit him for smelting its +ponderous ingots. With that merciful blindness +which alone prevents all our lives from +becoming a horror of nerveless self-reproach, +his parents were equally unaware of their share +in the harm done him, when they ascribed to a +delicate organization the fact that, at an age +when love runs riot in all healthy blood, he +could not see a Balmoral without his cheeks +rivalling the most vivid stripe in it. They flattered +themselves that he would outgrow his +bashfulness; but Daniel had no such hope, and +frequently confided in me that he thought he +should never marry at all.</p> + +<p>About two hours after Billy's disappearance +under his mother's convoy, the defender of the +oppressed returned to my room bearing the dog +under his arm. His cheeks shone with washing +like a pair of waxy spitzenbergs, and other indignities +had been offered him to the extent of +the brush and comb. He also had a whole +jacket on....</p> + +<p>Billy and I also obtained permission to go +out together and be gone the entire afternoon. +We put Crab on a comfortable bed of rags in +an old shoe-box, and then strolled hand-in-hand +across that most delightful of New York +breathing-places—Stuyvesant Square.</p> + +<p>"Uncle Teddy," exclaimed Billy, with ardor, +"I wish I could do something to show you how +much I think of you for being so good to me. +I don't know how. Would it make you happy +if I was to learn a hymn for you,—a smashing +big hymn—six verses, long metre, and no +grumbling?"</p> + +<p>"No, Billy; you make me happy enough +just by being a good boy."</p> + +<p>"Oh, Uncle Teddy!" replied Billy, decidedly, +"I'm afraid I can't do it. I've tried so often, +and I always make such an awful mess of +it." ...</p> + +<p>We now got into a Broadway stage going +down, and being unable, on account of the +noise, to converse further upon those spiritual +conflicts of Billy's which so much interested +me, amused ourselves with looking out until +just as we reached the Astor House, when he +asked me where we were going.</p> + +<p>"Where do you guess?" said I.</p> + +<p>He cast a glance through the front window, +and his face became irradiated. Oh, there's +nothing like the simple, cheap luxury of pleasing +a child, to create sunshine enough for the +chasing away of the bluest adult devils.</p> + +<p>"We're going to Barnum's!" said Billy, involuntarily +clapping his hands.</p> + +<p>So we were; and, much as stuck-up people +pretend to look down on the place, I frequently +am. Not only so, but I always see that class +largely represented there when I do go. To be +sure, they always make believe that they only +come to amuse the children, or because they've +country cousins visiting them, and never fail to +refer to the vulgar set one finds there, and the +fact of the animals smelling like any thing but +Jockey Club; yet I notice that after they've +been in the hall three minutes they're as much +interested as any of the people they come to +pooh-pooh, and only put on the high-bred air +when they fancy some of their own class are +looking at them. I boldly acknowledge that I +go because I like it. I am especially happy, to +be sure, if I have a child along to go into +ecstasies, and give me a chance, by asking +questions, for the exhibition of that fund of information +which is said to be one of my chief +charms in the social circle, and on several occasions +has led that portion of the public immediately +about the Happy Family into the +erroneous impression that I was Mr. Barnum, +explaining his five hundred thousand curiosities.</p> + +<p>On the present occasion, we found several +visitors of the better class in the room devoted +to the aquarium. Among these was a young +lady, apparently about nineteen, in a tight-fitting +basque of black velvet, which showed her +elegant figure to fine advantage, a skirt of garnet +silk, looped up over a pretty Balmoral, and the +daintiest imaginable pair of kid walking-boots. +Her height was a trifle over the medium; her +eyes a soft, expressive brown, shaded by +masses of hair which exactly matched their +color, and, at that rat-and-miceless day fell in +such graceful abandon as to show at once that +nature was the only maid who crimped their +waves into them. Her complexion was rosy +with health and sympathetic enjoyment; her +mouth was faultless, her nose sensitive, her +manners full of refinement, and her voice +musical as a wood-robin's, when she spoke to +the little boy of six at her side, to whom she +was revealing the palace of the great show-king. +Billy and I were flattening our noses against +the abode of the balloon-fish, and determining +whether he looked most like a horse-chestnut +burr or a ripe cucumber, when his eyes and my +own simultaneously fell on the child and lady, +In a moment, to Billy, the balloon-fish was +as though he had not been.</p> + +<p>"That's a pretty little boy!" said I. And +then I asked Billy one of those senseless routine +questions which must make children look at us, +regarding the scope of our intellects very much +as we look at Bushmen.</p> + +<p>"How would you like to play with him?"</p> + +<p>"Him!" replied Billy, scornfully, "that's his +first pair of boots; see him pull up his little +breeches to show the red tops to 'em! But, +crackey! isn't <i>she</i> a smasher!"</p> + +<p>After that we visited the wax figures and the +sleepy snakes, the learned seal and the glass-blowers. +Whenever we passed from one room +into another, Billy could be caught looking +anxiously to see if the pretty girl and child +were coming, too.</p> + +<p>Time fails me to describe how Billy was lost +in astonishment at the Lightning Calculator,—wanted +me to beg the secret of that prodigy for +him to do his sums by,—finally thought he had +discovered it, and resolved to keep his arm +whirling all the time he studied his arithmetic +lesson the next morning. Equally inadequate +is it to relate in full how he became so confused +among the wax-works that he pinched the +solemnest showman's legs to see if he was real, +and perplexed the beautiful Circassian to the +verge of idiocy by telling her he had read all +about the way they sold girls like her in his +geography.</p> + +<p>We had reached the stairs to that subterranean +chamber in which the Behemoth of Holy +Writ was wallowing about without a thought of +the dignity which one expects from a canonical +character. Billy had always languished upon +his memories of this diverting beast, and I +stood ready to see him plunge headlong the +moment that he read the sign-board at the head +of the stairs. When he paused and hesitated +there, not seeming at all anxious to go down +till he saw the pretty girl and the child following +after,—a sudden intuition flashed across me. +Could it be possible that Billy was caught in +that vortex which whirled me down at ten +years,—a little boy's first love?</p> + +<p>We were lingering about the elliptical basin, +and catching occasional glimpses between bubbles +of a vivified hair trunk of monstrous compass, +whose knobby lid opened at one end and +showed a red morocco lining, when the pretty +girl, in leaning over to point out the rising +monster, dropped into the water one of her +little gloves, and the swash made by the hippopotamus +drifted it close under Billy's hand. +Either in play or as a mere coincidence the animal +followed it. The other children about the +tank screamed and started back as he bumped +his nose against the side; but Billy manfully +bent down and grabbed the glove not an inch +from one of his big tusks, then marched around +the tank and presented it to the lady with a +chivalry of manner in one of his years quite +surprising.</p> + +<p>"That's a real nice boy,—you said so, didn't +you, Lottie?—and I wish he'd come and play +with me," said the little fellow by the young +lady's side, as Billy turned away, gracefully +thanked, to come back to me with his cheeks +roseate with blushes.</p> + +<p>As he heard this, Billy idled along the edge of +the tank for a moment, then faced about and +said,—</p> + +<p>"P'raps I will some day,—where do you live?"</p> + +<p>"I live on East Seventeenth street with +papa,—and Lottie stays there, too, now,—she's +my cousin. Where d' you live?"</p> + +<p>"Oh, I live close by,—right on that big +green square, where I guess the nurse takes +you once in a while," said Billy, patronizingly. +Then, looking up pluckily at the young lady, +he added, "I never saw you out there."</p> + +<p>"No; Jimmy's papa has only been in his new +house a little while, and I've just come to visit +him."</p> + +<p>"Say, will you come and play with me some +time?" chimed in the inextinguishable Jimmy. +"I've got a cooking-stove,—for real fire,—and +blocks and a ball with a string."</p> + +<p>Billy, who belonged to a club for the practice +of the great American game, and was what A. +Ward would call the most superior battist +among the I.G.B.B.C., or "Infant Giants," +smiled from that altitude upon Jimmy, but +promised to go and play with him the next +Saturday afternoon.</p> + +<p>Late that evening, after we had got home +and dined, as I sat in my room over Pickwick +with a sedative cigar, a gentle knock at the +door told of Daniel. I called "Come in!" and +entering with a slow, dejected air, he sat down +by my fire. For ten minutes he remained silent, +though occasionally looking up as if +about to speak, then dropping his head again +to ponder on the coals. Finally I laid down +Dickens, and spoke myself.</p> + +<p>"You don't seem well to-night, Daniel?"</p> + +<p>"I don't feel very well, uncle."</p> + +<p>"What's the matter, my boy?"</p> + +<p>"Oh-ah, I don't know. That is, I wish I knew +how to tell you."</p> + +<p>I studied him for a few moments with kindly +curiosity, then answered,—</p> + +<p>"Perhaps I can save you the trouble by +cross-examining it out of you. Let's try the +method of elimination. I know that you're +not harassed by any economical considerations, +for you've all the money you want; and I +know that ambition doesn't trouble you, for +your tastes are scholarly. This narrows down +the investigation of your symptoms—listlessness, +general dejection, and all—to three +causes,—dyspepsia, religious conflicts, love. +Now, is your digestion awry?"</p> + +<p>"No, sir; good as usual. I'm not melanancholy +on religion, and"—</p> + +<p>"You don't tell me you're in love?"</p> + +<p>"Well—yes—I suppose that's about it, Uncle +Teddy."</p> + +<p>I took a long breath to recover from my astonishment +at this unimaginable revelation, +then said:</p> + +<p>"Is your feeling returned?"</p> + +<p>"I really don't know, uncle; I don't believe +it is. I don't see how it can be. I never did +any thing to make her love me. What is there +in me to love? I've borne nothing for her,—that +is, nothing that could do her any good,—though +I've endured on her account, I may +say, anguish. So, look at it any way you +please, I neither am, do, nor suffer any thing +that can get a woman's love."</p> + +<p>"Oh, you man of learning! Even in love +you tote your grammar along with you, and +arrange a divine passion under the active, passive, +and neuter!"</p> + +<p>Daniel smiled faintly.</p> + +<p>"You've no idea, Uncle Teddy, that you are +twitting on facts; but you hit the truth there; +indeed you do. If she were a Greek or Latin +woman, I could talk Anacreon or Horace to +her. If women only understood the philosophy +of the flowers as well as they do the poetry"—</p> + +<p>"Thank God they don't, Daniel!" sighed I, +devoutly.</p> + +<p>"Never mind,—in that case I could entrance +her for hours, talking about the grounds of difference +between Linnæus and Jussieu. Women +like the star business, they say,—and I could tell +her where all the constellations are; but sure +as I tried to get off any sentiment about them, +I'd break down and make myself ridiculous. +But what earthly chance would the greatest +philosopher that ever lived have with the +woman he loved, if he depended for her favor +on his ability to analyze her bouquet or +tell her when she might look out for the next +occultation of Orion? I can't talk bread-and-butter +talk. I can't do any thing that makes a +man even tolerable to a woman!"</p> + +<p>"I hope you don't mean that nothing but +bread-and-butter talk is tolerable to a woman!"</p> + +<p>"No; but it's necessary to some extent,—at +any rate the ability is,—in order to succeed +in society; and it's in society men first meet +and strike women. And oh, Uncle Teddy! +I'm such a fish out of water in society!—such +a dreadful floundering fish! When I see her +dancing gracefully as a swan swims, and feel +that fellows, like little Jack Mankyn, who 'don't +know twelve times,' can dance to her perfect +admiration; when I see that she likes ease of +manners,—and all sorts of men without an idea +in their heads have that,—while I turn all colors +when I speak to her, and am clumsy, and +abrupt, and abstracted, and bad at repartee,—Uncle +Teddy! sometimes (though it seems so +ungrateful to father and mother, who have +spent such pains for me)—sometimes, do you +know, it seems to me as if I'd exchange all +I've ever learned for the power to make a good +appearance before her!"</p> + +<p>"Daniel, my boy, it's too much a matter of +reflection with you! A woman is not to be +taken by laying plans. If you love the lady +(whose name I don't ask you, because I know +you'll tell me as soon as you think best), you +must seek her companionship until you're well +enough acquainted with her to have her regard +you as something different from the men whom +she meets merely in society, and judge your +qualities by another standard than that she applies +to them. If she's a sensible girl (and God +forbid you should marry her otherwise), she +knows that people can't always be dancing, or +holding fans, or running after orange-ice. If +she's a girl capable of appreciating your best +points (and woe to you if you marry a girl who +can't!), she'll find them out upon closer intimacy, +and, once found, they'll a hundred times +outweigh all brilliant advantages kept in the +show-case of fellows who have nothing on the +shelves. When this comes about, you will pop +the question unconsciously, and, to adapt Milton, +she'll drop into your lap 'gathered—not +harshly plucked.'"</p> + +<p>"I know that's sensible, Uncle Teddy, and +I'll try. Let me tell you the sacredest of secrets,—regularly +every day of my life I send +her a little poem fastened round the prettiest +bouquet I can get at Hanft's."</p> + +<p>"Does she know who sends them?'"</p> + +<p>"She can't have any idea. The German boy +that takes them knows not a word of English +except her name and address. You'll forgive +me, uncle, for not mentioning her name yet? +You see she may despise or hate me some day +when she knows who it is that has paid her +these attentions; and then I'd like to be able +to feel that at least I've never hurt her by any +absurd connection with myself."</p> + +<p>"Forgive you? Nonsense! The feeling +does your heart infinite credit, though a little +counsel with your head would show you that +your only absurdity is self-depreciation."</p> + +<p>Daniel bid me good-night. As I put out my +cigar and went to bed, my mind reverted to the +dauntless little Hotspur who had spent the afternoon +with me and reversed his mother's +wish, thinking,—</p> + +<p>"Oh, if Daniel were more like Billy!"</p> + +<p>It was always Billy's habit to come and sit +with me while I smoked my after-breakfast +cigar, but the next morning did not see him +enter my room till St. George's hands pointed +to a quarter of nine.</p> + +<p>"Well, Billy Boy Blue, come blow your horn; +what haystack have you been under till this +time of day? We sha'n't have a minute to +look over our spelling together, and I know a +boy who's going in for promotion next week. +Have you had your breakfast, and taken care +of Crab?"</p> + +<p>"Yes, sir; but I didn't feel like getting up +this morning."</p> + +<p>"Are you sick?"</p> + +<p>"No-o-o—it isn't that; but you'll laugh at +me if I tell you."</p> + +<p>"Indeed I won't, Billy!"</p> + +<p>"Well,"—his voice dropped to a whisper, and +he stole close to my side,—"I had such a nice +dream about <i>her</i> just the last thing before the +bell rang; and when I woke up I felt so queer,—so +kinder good and kinder bad,—and I +wanted to see her so much, that if I hadn't +been a big boy I believe I should have blubbered. +I tried ever so much to go to sleep and +see her again; but the more I tried the more I +couldn't. After all, I had to get up without it, +though I didn't want any breakfast, and only ate +two buckwheat cakes, when I always eat six, you +know, Uncle Teddy. Can you keep a secret?"</p> + +<p>"Yes, dear, so you couldn't get it out of +me if you were to shake me upside-down like a +savings-bank."</p> + +<p>"Oh, ain't you mean! That was when I was +small I did that. I'll tell you the secret, +though,—that girl and I are going to get married. +I mean to ask her the first chance I get. +Oh, isn't she a smasher!"</p> + +<p>"My dear Billy, sha'n't you wait a little +while to see if you always like her as well as +you do now? Then, too, you'll be older."</p> + +<p>"I'm old enough, Uncle Teddy, and I love +her dearly! I'm as old as the kings of France +used to be when they got married,—I read it in +Abbott's histories. But there's the clock +striking nine! I must run or I shall get a tardy +mark, and, perhaps, she'll want to see my certificate +sometimes."</p> + +<p>So saying, he kissed me on the cheek and set +off for school as fast as his legs could carry him. +O Love, omnivorous Love, that sparest neither +the dotard leaning on his staff nor the boy with +pantaloons buttoning on his jacket,—omnipotent +Love, that, after parents and teachers +have failed, in one instant can make Billy try +to become a good boy!</p> + +<p>With both of my nephews hopelessly enamored, +and myself the confidant of both, I +had my hands full. Daniel was generally dejected +and distrustful; Billy buoyant and jolly. +Daniel found it impossible to overcome his +bashfulness; was spontaneous only in sonnets, +brilliant only in bouquets. Billy was always +coming to me with pleasant news, told in his +slangy New-York boy vernacular. One day he +would exclaim,—"Oh, I'm getting on prime! +I got such a smile off her this morning as I went +by the window!" Another day he wanted +counsel how to get a valentine to her,—because +it was too big to shove in a lamp-post, and she +might catch him if he left it on the steps, rang +the bell, and ran away. Daniel wrote his own +valentine; but, despite its originality, that +document gave him no such comfort as Billy +got from twenty-five cents' worth of embossed +paper, pink cupids, and doggerel. Finally, +Billy announced to me that he had been to +play with Jimmy, and got introduced to his +girl.</p> + +<p>Shortly after this Lu gave what they call "a +little company,"—not a party, but a reunion of +forty or fifty people with whom the family were +well acquainted, several of them living in our immediate +neighborhood. There was a goodly proportion +of young folk, and there was to be dancing +but the music was limited to a single piano +played by the German exile usual on such occasions, +and the refreshments did not rise to the +splendor of a costly supper. This kind of compromise +with fashionable gayety was wisely +deemed by Lu the best method of introducing +Daniel to the <i>beau monde</i>,—a push given the +timid eaglet by the maternal bird, with a soft +tree-top between him and the vast expanse of +society. How simple was the entertainment +may be inferred from the fact that Lu felt +somewhat discomposed when she got a note +from one of her guests asking leave to bring +along her niece, who was making her a few +weeks' visit. As a matter of course, however, +she returned answer to bring the young lady +and welcome.</p> + +<p>Daniel's dressing-room having been given up +to the gentlemen I invited him to make his +toilet in mine, and, indeed, wanting him to +create a favorable impression, became his valet +<i>pro tem.</i>, tying his cravat, and teasing the +divinity-student look out of his side-hair. My +little dandy Billy came in for another share of +attention, and when I managed to button his +jacket for him so that it showed his shirt-studs +"like a man's," Count d'Orsay could not have +felt a more pleasing sense of his sufficiency for +all the demands of the gay world.</p> + +<p>When we reached the parlor we found Pa +and Ma Lovegrove already receiving. About +a score of guests had arrived. Most of them +were old married couples, which, after paying +their devoirs, fell in two like unriveted scissors,—the +gentlemen finding a new pivot in pa and +the ladies in ma, where they mildly opened and +shut upon such questions as severally concerned +them, such as "the way gold closed," and "how +the children were."</p> + +<p>Besides the old married people there were +several old young men of distinctly hopeless +and unmarried aspect, who, having nothing in +common with the other class, nor sufficient +energy of character to band themselves for +mutual protection, hovered dejectedly about +the arch pillars, or appeared to be considering +whether, on the whole, it would not be feasible +and best to sit down on the centre-table. +These subsisted upon such crumbs of comfort +as Lu could get an occasional chance to throw +them by rapid sorties of conversation,—became +galvanically active the moment they were +punched up, and fell flat the moment the +punching was remitted. I did all I could for +them, but, having Daniel in tow, dared not sail +too near the edge of the Doldrums, lest he +should drop into sympathetic stagnation and +be taken preternaturally bashful, with his sails +all aback, just as I wanted to carry him gallantly +into action with some clipper-built +cruiser of a nice young lady. Finally, Lu bethought +herself of that last plank of drowning +conversationists, the photograph album. All +the dejected young men made for it at once, +some reaching it just as they were about to +sink for the last time, but all getting a grip on +it somehow, and staying there in company with +other people's babies whom they didn't know, +and celebrities whom they knew to death, until, +one by one, they either stranded upon a motherly +dowager by the Fire-place Shoals, or were +rescued from the Sofa Reef by some gallant +wrecker of a strong-minded young lady, with a +view to taking salvage out of them in the +German.</p> + +<p>Besides these, were already arrived a dozen +nice little boys and girls, who had been invited +to make it pleasant for Billy. I had to remind +him of the fact that they were his guests, for, +in comparison with the queen of his affections, +they were in danger of being despised by him +as small fry.</p> + +<p>The younger ladies and gentlemen,—those +who had fascinations to disport, or were in the +habit of disporting what they considered such, +were probably still at home consulting the +looking-glass until that oracle should announce +the auspicious moment for their setting forth.</p> + +<p>Daniel was in conversation with a perfect +godsend of a girl, who understood Latin and +had begun Greek. Billy was taking a moment's +vacation from his boys and girls, busy with +"Old Maid" in the extension-room, and whispering +with his hand in mine, "Oh, don't I wish +<i>she</i> were here!" when a fresh invoice of ladies, +just unpacked from the dressing-room in all the +airy elegance of evening costume, floated +through the door. I heard Lu say,—</p> + +<p>"Ah, Mrs. Rumbullion! Happy to see your +niece, too. How d'ye do, Miss Pilgrim?"</p> + +<p>At this last word Billy jumped as if he had +been shot, and the bevy of ladies opening about +sister Lu disclosed the charming face and figure +of the pretty girl we had met at Barnum's.</p> + +<p>Billy's countenance rapidly changed from +astonishment to joy.</p> + +<p>"Isn't that splendid, Uncle Teddy? Just as +I was wishing it! It's just like the fairy books!" +and, rushing up to the party of new-comers, +"My dear Lottie!" cried he, "if I'd only +known you were coming I'd have gone after +you!"</p> + +<p>As he caught her by the hand I was pleased +to see her soft eyes brighten with gratification +at his enthusiasm, but my sister Lu looked on +naturally with astonishment in every feature.</p> + +<p>"Why, Billy!" said she, "you ought not to +call a strange young lady' <i>Lottie</i>!' Miss Pilgrim, +you must excuse my wild boy."</p> + +<p>"And you must excuse my mother, Lottie," +said Billy, affectionately patting Miss Pilgrim's +rose kid, "for calling you a strange young lady. +You are not strange at all,—you're just as nice +a girl as there is."</p> + +<p>"There are no excuses necessary," said Miss +Pilgrim, with a bewitching little laugh. "Billy +and I know each other intimately well, Mrs. +Lovegrove; and I confess that when I heard +the lady aunt had been invited to visit was his +mother, I felt all the more willing to infringe +etiquette this evening by coming where I had +no previous introduction."</p> + +<p>"Don't you care!" said Billy, encouragingly. +"I'll introduce you to every one of our family; +I know 'em if you don't."</p> + +<p>At this moment I came up as Billy's reinforcement, +and fearing lest in his enthusiasm he +might forget the canon of society which introduces +a gentleman to a lady, not the lady to +him, I ventured to suggest it delicately by +saying,—</p> + +<p>"Billy, will you grant me the favor of a presentation +to Miss Pilgrim?"</p> + +<p>"In a minute, Uncle Teddy," answered Billy, +considerably lowering his voice. "The older +people first"; and after this reproof I was left +to wait in the cold until he had gone through +the ceremony of introducing to the young lady +his father and his mother.</p> + +<p>Billy, who had now assumed entire guardianship +of Miss Pilgrim, with an air of great dignity +intrusted her to my care and left us promenading +while he went in search of Daniel. I myself +looked in vain for that youth, whom I had +not seen since the entrance of the last comers. +Miss Pilgrim and I found a congenial common +ground in Billy, whom she spoke of as one of +the most delightfully original boys she had ever +met; in fact, altogether the most fascinating +young gentleman she had seen in New York +society. You may be sure it wasn't Billy's +left ear which burned when I made my +responses.</p> + +<p>In five minutes he reappeared to announce, +in a tone of disappointment, that he could find +Daniel nowhere. He could see a light through +his keyhole, but the door was locked and he +could get no admittance. Just then Lu came +up to present a certain—no, an uncertain—young +man of the fleet stranded on parlor furniture +earlier in the evening. To Lu's great +astonishment Miss Pilgrim asked Billy's permission +to leave him. It was granted with all the +courtesy of a <i>preux chevalier</i>, on the condition, +readily assented to by the lady, that she should +dance one Lancers with him during the evening.</p> + +<p>"Dear me!" exclaimed Lu, after Billy had +gone back like a superior being to assist at the +childish amusement of his contemporaries, +"Would any body ever suppose that was our +Billy?"</p> + +<p>"I should, my dear sister," said I, with proud +satisfaction; "but you remember I always was +just to Billy."</p> + +<p>Left free, I went myself to hunt up Daniel. +I found his door locked and a light shining +through the keyhole, as Billy had stated. I +made no attempt to enter by knocking; but +going to my room and opening the window +next his, leaned out as far as I could, shoved +up his sash with my cane, and pushed aside +his curtain. Such an unusual method of communication +could not fail to bring him to the +window with a rush. When he saw me he +trembled like a guilty thing, his countenance +fell, and, no longer able to feign absence, he +unlocked his door and let me enter by the +normal mode.</p> + +<p>"Why, Daniel Lovegrove, my nephew, what +does this mean? Are you sick?"</p> + +<p>"Uncle Edward, I am not sick,—and this +means that I am a fool. Even a little boy like +Billy puts me to shame. I feel humbled to the +very dust. I wish I'd been a missionary and +got massacred by savages. Oh that I'd been +permitted to wear damp stockings in childhood, +or that my mother hadn't carried me through +the measles! If it weren't wrong to take my +life into my own hands, I'd open that window, +and—and—sit in a draught this very evening! +Oh, yes! I'm just that bitter! Oh, oh, oh!"</p> + +<p>And Daniel paced the floor with strides of +frenzy.</p> + +<p>"Well, my dear fellow, let's look at the +matter calmly a minute. What brought on +this sudden attack? You seemed doing well +enough the first ten minutes after we came +down. I was only out of your sight long +enough to speak to the Rumbullion party who +had just come in, and when I turned around you +were gone. Now you are in this fearful condition. +What is there in the Rumbullions to start +you off on such a bender of bashfulness as this +which I here behold?"</p> + +<p>"Rumbullion indeed!" said Daniel. "A +hundred Rumbullions could not make me feel +as I do. But <i>she</i> can shake me into a whirlwind +with her little finger; and <i>she</i> came with +the Rumbullions!"</p> + +<p>"What! D'you—Miss Pilgrim?"</p> + +<p>"Miss Pilgrim!"</p> + +<p>I labored with Daniel for ten minutes, using +every encouragement and argument I could +think of, and finally threatened him that I +would bring up the whole Rumbullion party, +Miss Pilgrim included, telling them that he had +invited them to look at his conchological +cabinet, unless he instantly shook the ice out +of his manner and accompanied me down stairs. +This dreadful menace had the desired effect. +He knew that I would not scruple to fulfil it; +and at the same time that it made him surrender, +it also provoked him with me to a degree +which gave his eyes and cheeks as fine a glow +as I could have wished for the purpose of a +favorable impression. The stimulus of wrath +was good for him, and there was little tremor +in his knees when he descended the stairs. +Well-a-day! So Daniel and Billy were rivals!</p> + +<p>The latter gentleman met us at the foot of +the staircase.</p> + +<p>"Oh, there you are, Daniel!" said he, cheerily. +"I was just going to look after you and +Uncle Teddy. We've wanted you for the +dances. We've had the Lancers twice and +three round dances; and I danced the second +Lancers with Lottie. Now we're going to +play some games,—to amuse the children, you +know," he added, loftily, with the adult gesture +of pointing his thumb over his shoulder at the +extension-room. "Lottie's going to play, too; +so will you and Daniel, won't you, uncle? Oh, +here comes Lottie now! This is my brother, +Miss Pilgrim,—let me introduce him to you. +I'm sure you'll like him. There's nothing he +don't know."</p> + +<p>Miss Pilgrim had just come to the newel-post +of the staircase, and, when she looked into +Daniel's face, blushed like the red, red rose, +losing her self-possession perceptibly more than +Daniel.</p> + +<p>The courage of weak warriors and timid gallants +mounts as the opposite party's falls, and +Daniel made out to say, in a firm tone, that it +was long since he had enjoyed the pleasure of +meeting Miss Pilgrim.</p> + +<p>"Not since Mrs. Cramcroud's last sociable, I +think," replied Miss Pilgrim, her cheeks and +eyes still playing the tell-tale.</p> + +<p>"Oho! so you don't want any introduction!" +exclaimed Master Billy. "I didn't know you +knew each other, Lottie?"</p> + +<p>"I have met Mr. Lovegrove in society. Shall +we go and join the plays?"</p> + +<p>"To be sure we shall!" cried Billy. "You +needn't mind,—all the grown people are going +too."</p> + +<p>On entering the parlor we found it as he +had said. The guests being almost all well +acquainted with each other, at the solicitation +of jolly little Mrs. Bloomingal, sister Lu had +consented to make a pleasant Christmas kind of +time of it, in which everybody was permitted +to be young again, and romp with the rompiest. +We played Blindman's-buff till we were tired of +that,—Daniel, to Lu's great delight, coming +out splendidly as Blindman, and evincing such +"cheek" in the style he hunted down and +caught the ladies, as satisfied me that nothing +but his eyesight stood in the way of his making +an audacious figure in the world. Then a pretty +little girl, Tilly Turtelle, who seemed quite a +premature flirt, proposed "Door-keeper,"—a +suggestion accepted with great <i>éclat</i> by all the +children, several grown people assenting.</p> + +<p>To Billy—quite as much on account of his +shining prominence in the executive faculties +as of his character as host—was committed the +duty of counting out the first person to be sent +into the hall. There were so many of us that +"Aina-maina-mona-mike" would not go quite +round; but, with that promptness of expedience +which belongs to genius, Billy instantly added +on, "Intery-mintery-cutery-corn," and the last +word of the cabalistic formula fell upon me—Edward +Balbus. I disappeared into the entry +amidst peals of happy laughter from both old +and young, calling, when the door opened again +to ask me whom I wanted, for the pretty lisping +flirt who had proposed the game. After +giving me a coquettish little chirrup of a kiss, +and telling me my beard scratched, she bade +me, on my return, send out to her "Mithter +Billy Lovegrove." I obeyed her; my youngest +nephew retired; and after a couple of seconds, +during which Tilly undoubtedly got what +she proposed the game for, Billy being a great +favorite with the little girls, she came back, +pouting and blushing, to announce that he +wanted Miss Pilgrim. That young lady showed +no mock-modesty, but arose at once, and laughingly +went out to her youthful admirer, who, as +I afterward learned, embraced her ardently, and +told her he loved her better than any girl in the +world. As he turned to go back, she told him +that he might send to her one of her juvenile +cousins, Reginald Rumbullion. Now, whether +because on this youthful Rumbullion's account +Billy had suffered the pangs of that most terrible +passion, jealousy, or from his natural enjoyment +of playing practical jokes destructive +of all dignity in his elders, Billy marched into +the room, and, having shut the door behind him, +paralyzed the crowded parlor by an announcement +that Mr. Daniel Lovegrove was wanted.</p> + +<p>I was standing at his side, and could feel him +tremble,—see him turn pale.</p> + +<p>"Dear me!" he whispered, in a choking +voice; "can she mean me?"</p> + +<p>"Of course she does," said I. "Who else? +Do you hesitate? Surely you can't refuse +such an invitation from a lady."</p> + +<p>"No, I suppose not," said he, mechanically. +And amidst much laughter from the disinterested, +while the faces of Mrs. Rumbullion and +his mother were spectacles of crimson astonishment, +he made his exit from the room. Never +in my life did I so much long for that instrument +described by Mr. Samuel Weller,—a pair +of patent double-million-magnifying microscopes +of hextry power, to see through a deal +door. Instead of this, I had to learn what happened +only by report.</p> + +<p>Lottie Pilgrim was standing under the hall +burners with her elbow on the newel-post, looking +more vividly charming than he had ever +seen her before at Mrs. Cramcroud's sociable +or elsewhere. When startled by the apparition +of Mr. Daniel Lovegrove instead of the little +Rumbullion whom she was expecting,—she had +no time to exclaim or hide her mounting color, +none at all to explain to her own mind the mistake +that had occurred, before his arm was +clasped around her waist, and his lips so closely +pressed to hers, that through her soft thick +hair she could feel the throbbing of his temples. +As for Daniel, he seemed in a walking dream, +from which he waked to see Miss Pilgrim looking +into his eyes with utter though not incensed +stupefaction,—to stammer,—</p> + +<p>"Forgive me! Do forgive me! I thought +you were in earnest."</p> + +<p>"So I was," she said, tremulously, as soon as +she could catch her voice, "in sending for my +cousin Reginald."</p> + +<p>"Oh, dear, what shall I do! Believe me, I +was told you wanted me,—let me go and explain +it to mother,—she'll tell the rest,—I +couldn't do it,—I'd die of mortification. Oh, +that wretched boy Billy!"</p> + +<p>On the principle already mentioned, his agitation +reassured her.</p> + +<p>"Don't try to explain it now,—it may get +Billy a scolding. Are there any but intimate +family friends here this evening?"</p> + +<p>"No—I believe—no—I'm sure," replied +Daniel, collecting his faculties.</p> + +<p>"Then I don't mind what they think. Perhaps +they'll suppose we've known each other +long; but we'll arrange it by-and-by. They'll +think the more of it the longer we stay out +here,—hear them laugh! I must run back now. +I'll send you somebody."</p> + +<p>A round of juvenile applause greeted her as +she hurried into the parlor, and a number of +grown people smiled quite musically. Her +quick woman-wit showed her how to retaliate +and divide the embarrassment of the occasion. +As she passed me she said in an undertone,—"Answer +quick! Who's that fat lady on the +sofa, that laughs so loud?"</p> + +<p>"Mrs. Cromwell Craggs," said I, as quietly.</p> + +<p>Miss Pilgrim made a satirically low courtesy, +and spoke in a modest but distinct voice,—"I +really must be excused for asking. I'm +a stranger, you know; but is there such a lady +here as Mrs. Craggs,—Mrs. <i>Cromwell</i> Craggs? +For if so, the present doorkeeper would like to +see Mrs. Cromwell Craggs."</p> + +<p>Then came the turn of the fat lady to be +laughed at; but out she had to go and get +kissed like the rest of us.</p> + +<p>Before the close of the evening, Billy was +made as jealous as his parents and I were surprised +to see Daniel in close conversation with +Miss Pilgrim among the geraniums and fuschias +of the conservatory. "A regular flirtation," +said Billy, somewhat indignantly. The conclusion +they arrived at was, that after all no +great harm had been done, and that the dear +little fellow ought not to be peached on for his +fun. If I had known at the time how easily +they forgave him, I should have suspected that +the offence Billy had led Daniel into committing +was not unlikely to be repeated on the +offender's own account; but so much as I could +see showed me that the ice was broken....</p> + +<p>—<i>Little Brother, and Other Genre Pictures</i>.</p> + + + +<hr style="width: 65%;" /> +<h2><a name="THOMAS_BAILEY_ALDRICH" id="THOMAS_BAILEY_ALDRICH"></a>THOMAS BAILEY ALDRICH.</h2> + +<h2>(BORN, 1836.)</h2> + +<hr style='width: 45%;' /> + +<h2><a name="A_RIVERMOUTH_ROMANCE" id="A_RIVERMOUTH_ROMANCE"></a>A RIVERMOUTH ROMANCE.</h2> + + +<p>I.</p> + +<p>At five o'clock in the morning of the tenth +of July, 1860, the front door of a certain +house on Anchor Street, in the ancient seaport +town of Rivermouth, might have been observed +to open with great caution. This door, as the +least imaginative reader may easily conjecture, +did not open itself. It was opened by Miss +Margaret Callaghan, who immediately closed it +softly behind her, paused for a few seconds +with an embarrassed air on the stone step, and +then, throwing a furtive glance up at the second-story +windows, passed hastily down the street +towards the river, keeping close to the fences +and garden walls on her left.</p> + +<p>There was a ghost-like stealthiness to Miss +Margaret's movements, though there was nothing +whatever of the ghost about Miss Margaret +herself. She was a plump, short person, no +longer young, with coal-black hair growing low +on the forehead, and a round face that would +have been nearly meaningless if the features +had not been emphasized—italicized, so to speak—by +the small-pox. Moreover, the brilliancy +of her toilet would have rendered any ghostly +hypothesis untenable. Mrs. Solomon (we refer +to the dressiest Mrs. Solomon, which ever one +that was) in all her glory was not arrayed like +Miss Margaret on that eventful summer morning. +She wore a light-green, shot-silk frock, a +blazing red shawl, and a yellow crape bonnet +profusely decorated with azure, orange, and +magenta artificial flowers. In her hand she +carried a white parasol. The newly risen sun, +ricocheting from the bosom of the river and +striking point-blank on the top-knot of Miss +Margaret's gorgeousness, made her an imposing +spectacle in the quiet street of that Puritan +village. But, in spite of the bravery of her apparel, +she stole guiltily along by garden walls +and fences until she reached a small, dingy +frame-house near the wharves, in the darkened +doorway of which she quenched her burning +splendor, if so bold a figure is permissible.</p> + +<p>Three quarters of an hour passed. The sunshine +moved slowly up Anchor Street, fingered +noiselessly the well-kept brass knockers on +either side, and drained the heeltaps of dew +which had been left from the revels of the +fairies overnight in the cups of the morning-glories. +Not a soul was stirring yet in this +part of the town, though the Rivermouthians +are such early birds that not a worm may be +said to escape them. By and by one of the +brown Holland shades at one of the upper windows +of the Bilkins Mansion—the house from +which Miss Margaret had emerged—was drawn +up, and old Mr. Bilkins in spiral nightcap +looked out on the sunny street. Not a living +creature was to be seen, save the dissipated +family cat—a very Lovelace of a cat that was +not allowed a night-key—who was sitting on +the curbstone opposite, waiting for the hall +door to be opened. Three quarters of an hour, +we repeat, had passed, when Mrs. Margaret +O'Rourke, <i>née</i> Callaghan, issued from the small, +dingy house by the river, and regained the +door-step of the Bilkins mansion in the same +stealthy fashion in which she had left it.</p> + +<p>Not to prolong a mystery that must already +oppress the reader, Mr. Bilkins's cook had, +after the manner of her kind, stolen out of the +premises before the family were up, and got +herself married—surreptitiously and artfully +married, as if matrimony were an indictable +offence.</p> + +<p>And something of an offence it was in this +instance. In the first place Margaret Callaghan +had lived nearly twenty years with the Bilkins +family, and the old people—there were +no children now—had rewarded this long service +by taking Margaret into their affections. +It was a piece of subtle ingratitude for her +to marry without admitting the worthy couple +to her confidence. In the next place, Margaret +had married a man some eighteen years +younger than herself. That was the young +man's lookout, you say. We hold it was +Margaret that was to blame. What does a +young blade of twenty-two know? Not half +so much as he thinks he does. His exhaustless +ignorance at that age is a discovery which +is left for him to make in his prime.</p> + +<p> +"Curly gold locks cover foolish brains,<br /> +<span style="margin-left: 1em;">Billing and cooing is all your cheer;</span><br /> +Sighing and singing of midnight strains,<br /> +<span style="margin-left: 1em;">Under Bonnybells window panes,—</span><br /> +<span style="margin-left: 1em;">Wait till you come to Forty Year!"</span><br /> +</p> + +<p>In one sense Margaret's husband <i>had</i> come +to forty year—she was forty to a day.</p> + +<p>Mrs. Margaret O'Rourke, with the baddish +cat following closely at her heels, entered the +Bilkins mansion, reached her chamber in the +attic without being intercepted, and there laid +aside her finery. Two or three times, while +arranging her more humble attire, she paused +to take a look at the marriage certificate, +which she had deposited between the leaves +of her Prayer-Book, and on each occasion +held that potent document upside down; +for Margaret's literary culture was of +the severest order, and excluded the art of +reading.</p> + +<p>The breakfast was late that morning. As Mrs. +O'Rourke set the coffee-urn in front of Mrs. Bilkins +and flanked Mr. Bilkins with the broiled +mackerel and buttered toast, Mrs. O'Rourke's +conscience smote her. She afterwards declared +that when she saw the two sitting there so innocent-like, +not dreaming of the <i>comether</i> she +had put upon them, she secretly and unbeknownt +let a few tears fall into the cream-pitcher. +Whether or not it was this material +expression of Margaret's penitence that +spoiled the coffee does not admit of inquiry; +but the coffee was bad. In fact, the whole +breakfast was a comedy of errors.</p> + +<p>It was a blessed relief to Margaret when the +meal was ended. She retired in a cold perspiration +to the penetralia of the kitchen, and it +was remarked by both Mr. and Mrs. Bilkins +that those short flights of vocalism—apropos +of the personal charms of one Kate Kearney, +who lived on the banks of Killarney—which +ordinarily issued from the direction of the +scullery we're unheard that forenoon.</p> + +<p>The town clock was striking eleven, and the +antiquated time-piece on the staircase (which +never spoke but it dropped pearls and crystals, +like the fairy in the story) was lisping the hour, +when there came three tremendous knocks at +the street door. Mrs. Bilkins, who was dusting +the brass-mounted chronometer in the hall, +stood transfixed, with arm uplifted. The admirable +old lady had for years been carrying +on a guerilla warfare with itinerant venders of +furniture polish, and pain-killer, and crockery +cement and the like. The effrontery of the +triple knock convinced her the enemy was at +her gates—possibly that dissolute creature with +twenty-four sheets of note-paper and twenty-four +envelopes for fifteen cents.</p> + +<p>Mrs. Bilkins swept across the hall, and +opened the door with a jerk. The suddenness +of the movement was apparently not anticipated +by the person outside, who, with one +arm stretched feebly towards the receding +knocker, tilted gently forward, and rested both +hands on the threshold in an attitude which +was probably common enough with our ancestors +of the Simian period, but could never have +been considered graceful. By an effort that +testified to the excellent condition of his +muscles, the person instantly righted himself, +and stood swaying unsteadily on his toes and +heels, and smiling rather vaguely on Mrs. Bilkins.</p> + +<p>It was a slightly-built but well-knitted young +fellow, in the not unpicturesque garb of our +marine service. His woollen cap, pitched forward +at an acute angle with his nose, showed +the back part of a head thatched with short +yellow hair, which had broken into innumerable +curls of painful tightness. On his ruddy +cheeks a sparse, sandy beard was making a +timid <i>début</i>. Add to this a weak, good-natured +mouth, a pair of devil-may-care blue eyes, and +the fact that the man was very drunk, and you +have a pre-Raphaelite portrait—we may as well +say at once—of Mr. Larry O'Rourke of Mullingar, +County Westmeath, and late of the United +States sloop-of-war Santee.</p> + +<p>The man was a total stranger to Mrs. Bilkins +but the instant she caught sight of the +double white anchors embroidered on the lapels +of his jacket, she unhesitatingly threw back +the door, which with great presence of mind +she had partly closed.</p> + +<p>A drunken sailor standing on the step of the +Bilkins mansion was no novelty. The street, +as we have stated, led down to the wharves, and +sailors were constantly passing. The house +abutted directly on the street; the granite +door-step was almost flush with the sidewalk, +and the huge, old-fashioned brass knocker—seemingly +a brazen hand that had been cut off +at the wrist, and nailed against the oak as a +warning to malefactors—extended itself in a +kind of grim appeal to everybody. It seemed +to possess strange fascinations for all seafaring +folk; and when there was a man-of-war in port +the rat-tat-tat of that knocker would frequently +startle the quiet neighborhood long after midnight. +There appeared to be an occult understanding +between it and the blue-jackets. +Years ago there was a young Bilkins, one Pendexter +Bilkins—a sad losel, we fear—who ran +away to try his fortunes before the mast, and +fell overboard in a gale off Hatteras. "Lost at +sea," says the chubby marble slab in the Old +South Burying-Ground, "<i>ætat.</i> 18." Perhaps +that is why no blue-jacket, sober or drunk, was +ever repulsed from the door of the Bilkins +mansion.</p> + +<p>Of course Mrs. Bilkins had her taste in the +matter, and preferred them sober. But as this +could not always be, she tempered her wind, so +to speak, to the shorn lamb. The flushed, +prematurely-old face that now looked up at +her moved the good lady's pity.</p> + +<p>"What do you want?" she asked, kindly.</p> + +<p>"Me wife."</p> + +<p>"There's no wife for you here," said Mrs. +Bilkins, somewhat taken aback. "His wife!" +she thought; "it's a mother the poor boy +stands in need of."</p> + +<p>"Me wife," repeated Mr. O'Rourke, "for +betther or for worse."</p> + +<p>"You had better go away," said Mrs. Bilkins, +bridling up, "or it will be the worse for you."</p> + +<p>"To have and to howld," continued Mr. +O'Rourke, wandering retrospectively in the +mazes of the marriage service, "to have and to +howld till death—bad luck to him!—takes one +or the ither of us."</p> + +<p>"You're a blasphemous creature," said Mrs. +Bilkins, severely.</p> + +<p>"Thim's the words his riverince spake this +mornin', standin' foreninst us," explained Mr. +O'Rourke. "I stood here, see, and me jew'l +stood there, and the howly chaplain beyont."</p> + +<p>And Mr. O'Rourke with a wavering forefinger +drew a diagram of the interesting situation +on the door-step.</p> + +<p>"Well," returned Mrs. Bilkins, "if you're a +married man, all I have to say is, there's a +pair of fools instead of one. You had better +be off; the person you want doesn't live +here."</p> + +<p>"Bedad, thin, but she does."</p> + +<p>"Lives here?"</p> + +<p>"Sorra a place else."</p> + +<p>"The man's crazy," said Mrs. Bilkins to +herself.</p> + +<p>While she thought him simply drunk, she +was not in the least afraid; but the idea that +she was conversing with a madman sent a chill +over her. She reached back her hand preparatory +to shutting the door, when Mr. O'Rourke, +with an agility that might have been expected +from his previous gymnastics, set one foot on +the threshold and frustrated the design.</p> + +<p>"I want me wife," he said sternly.</p> + +<p>Unfortunately, Mr. Bilkins had gone uptown, +and there was no one in the house except +Margaret, whose pluck was not to be depended +on. The case was urgent. With the energy of +despair Mrs. Bilkins suddenly placed the toe of +her boot against Mr. O'Rourke's invading foot, +and pushed it away. The effect of this attack +was to cause Mr. O'Rourke to describe a complete +circle on one leg, and then sit down heavily +on the threshold. The lady retreated to the +hat-stand, and rested her hand mechanically on +the handle of a blue cotton umbrella. Mr. +O'Rourke partly turned his head and smiled +upon her with conscious superiority. At this +juncture a third actor appeared on the scene, +evidently a friend of Mr. O'Rourke, for he +addressed that gentleman as "a spalpeen," and +told him to go home.</p> + +<p>"Divil an inch," replied the spalpeen; but he +got himself off the threshold, and resumed his +position on the step.</p> + +<p>"It's only Larry, mum," said the man, +touching his forelock politely; "as dacent a +lad as ever lived, when he's not in liquor; an' I've +known him to be sober for days togither," +he added, reflectively. "He don't mane a +ha'p'orth o' harum, but jist now he's not quite +in his right moind."</p> + +<p>"I should think not," said Mrs. Bilkins, turning +from the speaker to Mr. O'Rourke, who had +seated himself gravely on the scraper, and was +weeping. "Hasn't the man any friends?"</p> + +<p>"Too many of 'em, mum, an' it's along wid +dhrinkin' toasts wid 'em that Larry got throwed. +The punch that spalpeen has dhrunk this day +would amaze ye. He give us the slip awhiles +ago, bad 'cess to him, an' come up here. Didn't +I tell ye, Larry, not to be afther ringin' at +the owle gintleman's knocker? Ain't ye got +no sinse at all?"</p> + +<p>"Misther Donnehugh," responded Mr. +O'Rourke with great dignity, "ye're dhrunk +again."</p> + +<p>Mr. Donnehugh, who had not taken more +than thirteen ladles of rum-punch, disdained to +reply directly.</p> + +<p>"He's a dacent lad enough"—this to Mrs. +Bilkins—"but his head is wake. Whin he's +had two sups o' whiskey he belaves he's dhrunk +a bar'l full. A gill o' wather out of a jimmy-john'd +fuddle him, mum."</p> + +<p>"Isn't there anybody to look after him?"</p> + +<p>"No, mum, he's an orphan; his father and +mother live in the owld counthry, an' a fine +hale owld couple they are."</p> + +<p>"Hasn't he any family in the town?"</p> + +<p>"Sure, mum, he has a family; wasn't he +married this blessed mornin'?"</p> + +<p>"He said so."</p> + +<p>"Indade, thin, he was—the pore divil!"</p> + +<p>"And the—the person?" inquired Mrs. +Bilkins.</p> + +<p>"Is it the wife, ye mane?"</p> + +<p>"Yes, the wife; where is she?"</p> + +<p>"Well, thin, mum," said Mr. Donnehugh, +"it's yerself can answer that."</p> + +<p>"I?" exclaimed Mrs. Bilkins. "Good heavens +this man's as crazy as the other!"</p> + +<p>"Begorra, if anybody's crazy, it's Larry, for +it's Larry has married Margaret."</p> + +<p>"What Margaret?" cried Mrs. Bilkins, with +a start.</p> + +<p>"Margaret Callaghan, sure."</p> + +<p>"<i>Our</i> Margaret? Do you mean to say that +Our Margaret has married that—that good-for-nothing, +inebriated wretch!"</p> + +<p>"It's a civil tongue the owld lady has, any +way," remarked Mr. O'Rourke, critically, from +the scraper.</p> + +<p>Mrs. Bilkins's voice during the latter part of +the colloquy had been pitched in a high key; +it rung through the hall and penetrated to the +kitchen, where Margaret was thoughtfully wiping +the breakfast things. She paused with a +half-dried saucer in her hand, and listened. In +a moment more she stood, with bloodless face +and limp figure, leaning against the banister, +behind Mrs. Bilkins.</p> + +<p>"Is it there ye are, me jew'l!" cried Mr. +O'Rourke, discovering her.</p> + +<p>Mrs. Bilkins wheeled upon Margaret.</p> + +<p>"Margaret Callaghan, <i>is</i> that thing your husband?"</p> + +<p>"Ye—yes, mum," faltered Mrs. O'Rourke, +with a woful lack of spirit.</p> + +<p>"Then take it away!" cried Mrs. Bilkins.</p> + +<p>Margaret, with a slight flush on either cheek, +glided past Mrs. Bilkins, and the heavy oak door +closed with a bang, as the gates of Paradise +must have closed of old upon Adam and Eve.</p> + +<p>"Come!" said Margaret, taking Mr. O'Rourke +by the hand; and the two wandered forth upon +their wedding journey down Anchor Street, +with all the world before them where to choose. +They chose to halt at the small, shabby tenement-house +by the river, through the doorway +of which the bridal pair disappeared with a reeling, +eccentric gait; for Mr. O'Rourke's intoxication +seemed to have run down his elbow, and +communicated itself to Margaret.</p> + +<p>O Hymen! who burnest precious gums and +scented woods in thy torch at the melting of +aristocratic hearts, with what a pitiful penny-dip +thou hast lighted up our little back-street +romance.—<i>Marjorie Daw, and Other Stories</i>.</p> + + +<p>END OF VOL. II.</p> + + + + + + + + +<pre> + + + + + +End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Humorous Masterpieces from American +Literature, by Various + +*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK HUMOROUS MASTERPIECES FROM *** + +***** This file should be named 15585-h.htm or 15585-h.zip ***** +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: + https://www.gutenberg.org/1/5/5/8/15585/ + +Produced by Alicia Williams, Josephine Paolucci and the Online +Distributed Proofreading Team. + + +Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions +will be renamed. + +Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no +one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation +(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without +permission and without paying copyright royalties. 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