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diff --git a/15512.txt b/15512.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..6dd2a7f --- /dev/null +++ b/15512.txt @@ -0,0 +1,1933 @@ +The Project Gutenberg eBook, Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 152, May +23, 1917, by Various, Edited by Owen Seaman + + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + + + + +Title: Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 152, May 23, 1917 + + +Author: Various + +Release Date: March 31, 2005 [eBook #15512] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ISO-646-US (US-ASCII) + + +***START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI, +VOL. 152, MAY 23, 1917*** + + +E-text prepared by Jonathan Ingram, Sandra Brown, and the Project +Gutenberg Online Distributed Proofreading Team + + + +Note: Project Gutenberg also has an HTML version of this + file which includes the original illustrations. + See 15512-h.htm or 15512-h.zip: + (https://www.gutenberg.org/dirs/1/5/5/1/15512/15512-h/15512-h.htm) + or + (https://www.gutenberg.org/dirs/1/5/5/1/15512/15512-h.zip) + + + + + +PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI + +VOL. 152 + +MAY 23, 1917 + + + + + + + +CHARIVARIA. + +MR. WILLIAM WATSON describes his new book of verse, _The Man Who Saw_, +as "an intermittent commentary on the main developments and some of +the collateral phenomena of the War." People are already asking, "Why +was a man like this left out of the Dardanelles Commission?" + + *** + +Weeds are a source of great trouble to the amateur gardener, says a +contemporary, because he is not always able to recognise them. A good +plan is to pull them out of the ground. If they come up again they are +weeds. + + *** + +We hope that Mr. CHARLES COCHRAN is not indisposed, but we have not +noticed a new revue by him this week. + + *** + +Sulphur from Italy is being distributed by the Explosives Committee. +This body must not be confused with the Expletives Committee, which +gets it supply of sulphur straight from the Front. + + *** + +The Metropolitan Water Board is appealing against waste of water. It +is proposed to provide patriotic householders with attractive cards +stating that the owner of the premises in which the card is displayed +is bound in honour not to touch the stuff. + + *** + +According to a member of the Inventions Board, over two thousand +solutions of the U-boat problem have already been received. +Unfortunately this is more than the number of U-boats available for +experiment, but it is hoped that by strictly limiting the allowance to +one submarine per invention the question may be determined in a manner +satisfactory to the greatest possible number. + + *** + +Of eight applications received by the Barnes Council for the vacancy +of Inspector of Nuisances three came from men of military age. It is +expected that the Council will suggest that these gentlemen should be +invited to inspect the nuisances in front of the British trenches. + + *** + +The proprietor of thirteen steam rollers told the Egham Tribunal that +in two years he had only been able to take one of them out of the +yard. We cannot think that he has really tried. Much might have been +done with kindness and a piece of cheese, while we have often seen +quite large steam rollers being enticed along the road by a man with a +red flag. + + *** + +A Swiss correspondent is informed that "Hindenburg's legs are no +longer strong enough to support him." The weakness appears to be +gradually extending to his arms. + + *** + +"The starched collar must go," remarks a contemporary ruefully. +Not, we hope, before a substitute has been found for some of those +unwashable necks. + + *** + +"Lady conductors," said the Underground Railway official last week, +"must remember that the seats and straps are put there for the use of +the passengers." We know all about straps, but we have often wondered +what it feels like to use one of the seats on the Underground. + + *** + +The police have raided a coining plant in Marylebone. It is becoming +more and more difficult to make money. + + *** + +Under a recent Government order the importation of wild animals into +Great Britain is forbidden. Allotment holders throughout the country +hope the order will be read out to any wireworm or potato-moth that +attempts to land at our ports. + + *** + +A deputation to the FOOD CONTROLLER has demanded that the allowance of +bread to farm labourers should be increased to two pounds per head per +day. The amount is considered excessive in view of the national needs, +and the alternative course of permitting them to eat all they can grow +is being favourably considered. + + *** + +Mr. MITCHEL, the Mayor of New York, has forbidden musicians to play +the National Anthems of the Allies in ragtime. Mr. MITCHEL is a great +humanitarian and simply hates the sound of anything in pain. + + *** + +The German Society of Actors and Singers had forbidden its members +to sing in the United States. Enthusiasts from the latter country +are planning an early trip to Northern France rather than miss +entertainment in the Siegfried and Wotan line. + + *** + +Following so closely upon the report that a Wallasey woman had +discovered a German coin in a loaf of bread we were not surprised by a +contemporary headline, "Seymour Hicks in a new Role." + + *** + +Damage to the extent of twenty-five thousand pounds is said to have +been caused to the crops in Australia by mice, and the Australian +authorities contemplate the purchase of a mouse trap. + + * * * * * + + +[Illustration: _Economist_ (_soliloquising_). "WE MUST ALL DENY +OURSELVES SOMETHING. AND TO THINK, DESPITE THE PAPER SHORTAGE, PEOPLE +ARE STILL SMOKING CIGARETTES."] + + * * * * * + + AN IRISH SETTLEMENT. + + "Miss----, who elected to serve fourteen days' imprisonment + rather than pay a fine for an alleged assault arising out of + a little commotion in Cork, was, on her release from prison, + presented with a gold mounted umbrella in compensation for + the one she broke on a policeman's head."--_Evening Herald_ + (_Dublin_). + +In view of the admission in the last sentence, "alleged" is good. + + * * * * * + + "New York, Friday.--An elaborate programme of welcome will + be escorted to the City Hall, which has been prepared. The + British Mission has been strikingly decorated for the occasion + with innumerable British and Allied flags."--_Liverpool Post_. + +We are not anxiously awaiting a snapshot of Mr. BALFOUR in his latest +costume. + + * * * * * + + "The vessels are at present under construction by the Kawashi + Dockyard Company, Limited, of Kobe, and realised from L42 to + L42 per ton deadweight."--_Poverty Bay Herald_. + +A careful calculation will show that the average cost was almost +exactly forty guineas. + + * * * * * + + "Several rhubord recipes have come in this week, so that the + reader who esquired for recipe for rhubard jelly is supplied + with this, and recipes for other rhubarb dainties as + well."--_Edmonton Journal_ (_Canada_). + +If _John Gilpin_ were to "dine at Edmonton" (Canada) he would come in +for some nice new vegetables. + + * * * * * + +A PLACE OF ARMS. + + [Inscribed by a humble member of the Inner Temple to the + Benchers of his Inn.] + + I knew a garden green and fair, + Flanking our London river's tide, + And you would think, to breathe its air + And roam its virgin lawns beside, + All shimmering in their velvet fleece, + "Nothing can hurt this haunt of Peace." + + No trespass marred that close retreat; + Privileged were the few that went + Pacing its walks with measured beat + On legal contemplation bent; + And Inner Templars used to say: + "How well our garden looks today!" + + But That which changes all has changed + This guarded pleasaunce, green and fair, + And soldier-ranks therein have ranged + And trod its beauty hard and bare, + Have tramped and tramped its fretted floor + Learning the discipline of War. + + And many a moon of Peace shall climb + Above that mimic Field of Mars + Before the healing touch of Time + With springing green shall hide its scars; + But Inner Templars smile and say: + "Our barrack-square looks well today." + + Good was that garden in their eyes, + Lovely its spell of long-ago; + Now waste and mired its glory lies, + And yet they hold it dearer so, + Who see beneath the wounds it bears + A grace no other garden wears. + + For still the memory, never sere, + But fresh as after fallen rain, + Of those who learned their lesson here + And may not ever come again, + Gives to this garden, bruised and browned, + A greenness as of hallowed ground. + +O.S. + + * * * * * + +RANDOM FLIGHTS. + +BY MARCUS MACLEOD. + +(_With renewed acknowledgments to "The Skittish Weekly."_) + +It was with inexpressible relief that I heard of the narrow escape +of the Rev. Urijah Basham. Presiding at a jumble sale at Sidcup he +described how he had been within an ace of partaking of rhubarb leaves +at luncheon on the previous day, but, having read in the morning's +paper of their fatal results, wisely decided to abstain. I need hardly +remind my readers that Mr. Basham is, after the Rev. JOSEPH HOCKING, +perhaps our greatest preacher-novelist. The jumble sale was held in +the beautiful concert hall of the Sidcup Temperance Congregational +Reed Band. The Dowager-Lady Bowler, Sir Moses Pimblett, and the Rev. +Chadley Bandman were amongst those who graced the function with their +presence. + + * * * * * + +A correspondent has kindly sent me a copy of _The Little Diddlington +Parish Magazine_ for April. In it there is an interesting letter +claiming that the original of _Mr. Pickwick_ was a benevolent +gentleman named Swizzle, who was temporarily employed as perpetual +curate of Little Diddlington in the sixties. The evidence on which +this identification is founded seems to me somewhat unconvincing, as +_Pickwick_ was published in the year 1836. But Nature, as it has +been finely said, often borrows from Art, and Fact may similarly be +inspired to emulate Fiction. + + * * * * * + +I promised not to trouble my readers again with the Mystery of the Man +in the Iron Mask. But I may be allowed merely to mention that there +is an excellent study of the subject in _The Methodist Monthly_, by +my old friend, Professor Corker. The article, which runs to nearly +seventy pages, does the utmost credit to this brilliant writer, who +comes to the conclusion that no satisfactory solution of the mystery +has ever been propounded or ever can be. But while his examination of +the different theories is singularly free from bias he is evidently +impressed by the ingenious view of Dr. Amos Stoot, the eminent Chicago +alienist, that the masked inmate of the Bastille immured himself +voluntarily in order to investigate the conditions of French prison +life at the time, but, owing to the homicidal development of +his subliminal consciousness, was detained indefinitely by the +authorities, and during his imprisonment wrote the _Letters of +Junius_. + + * * * * * + +I have been reading with much enjoyment, and I hope profit, a +book entitled _Behind the Ivory Gate; Being the Reminiscences of a +Dentist_, by Orlando Pullar, F.R.D.S. Mr. Pullar's opportunities for +studying the psychology of his clients have been exceptional, and he +has turned them to rich account in these fascinating pages. He is, +moreover, as adroit with his pen as with the instruments of his humane +and benevolent calling, and has a pretty wit. Thus he tells us that +his villa at Balham is named "Tusculum," and that, in view of the fact +that three generations of Pullars have been dentists, his family can +be said to be of "old extraction." This pleasant quip I seem to have +heard before; but, with all deductions, there are many signs here of +a strong sagacious mind, that brings to bear on all the jars of daily +life the priceless emollient of moral uplift. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: THE HYPNOTIST. + +BETHMANN-HOLLWEG: "KEEP LOOKING AT ME. YOU'RE WINNING THE WAR! YOU'RE +WINNING THE WAR! YOU'RE WINNING THE WAR!"] + + * * * * * + +THE MUD LARKS. + +Never have I seen a kiltie platoon wading through the cold porridge +of snow and slush of which our front used to be composed, but I have +said, with my French friend, "_Mon Dieu, les currents d'air!_" and +thank Fate that I belong to a race which reserves its national costume +for fancy-dress balls. + +It is very well for MacAlpine of Ben Lomond, who has stalked his +haggis and devoured it raw, who beds down on thistles for preference +and grows his own fur; but it is very hard on Smith of Peckham, who +through no fault of his own finds himself in a Highland regiment, +trying to make his shirt-tails do where his trousers did before. But +the real heather-mixture, double-distilled Scot is a hardy bird with +different ideas from _nous autres_ as to what is cold: also as to what +is hot. Witness the trying experience of our Albert Edward. + +Our Albert Edward and a Hun rifle grenade arrived at the same place at +the same time, intermingled and went down to the Base to be sifted. In +the course of time came a wire from our Albert Edward, saying he +had got the grenade out of his system and was at that moment at the +railhead; were we going to send him a horse or weren't we? + +Emma was detailed for the job, which was a mistake, because Emma was +not the mount for a man who had been softening for five months in +hospital. She had only two speeds in her repertoire, a walk which +slung you up and down her back from her ears to her croup, and a trot +which jarred your teeth loose and rattled the buttons off your tunic. +However, she went to the railhead and Albert Edward mounted her, threw +the clutch into the first speed and hammered out the ten miles to our +camp, arriving smothered in snow and so stiff we had to lift him down, +so raw it was a mockery to offer him a chair, and therefore he had to +take his tea off the mantelpiece. + +We advised a visit to Sandy. Sandy was the hot bath merchant. He +lurked in a dark barn at the end of the village, and could be found +there at anytime of any day, brooding over the black cauldrons in +which the baths were brewed, his Tam-o'-shanter drooped over one eye, +steam condensing on his blue nose. Theoretically the hot baths were +free, but in practice a franc pressed into Sandy's forepaw was found +to have a strong calorific effect on the water. + +So down the village on all fours, groaning like a Dutch brig in a +cross-sea, went our Albert Edward. He crawled into the dark barn and, +having no smaller change, contributed a two-franc bill to the forepaw +and told Sandy about his awful stiffness. His eloquence and the double +fee broke Sandy's heart. With great tears in his eyes he assured +Albert Edward that the utmost resources of his experience and +establishment should be mobilised on his (Albert Edward's) behalf, and +ushered him tenderly into that hidden chamber, constructed of sacking +screens, which was reserved for officers. Albert Edward peeled his +clothes gingerly from him, and Sandy returned to his cauldrons. + +The peeling complete, Albert Edward sat in the draughts of the inner +chamber and waited for the bath. The outer chamber was filled with +smoke, and the flames were leaping six feet above the cauldrons; but +every time Albert Edward holloaed for his bath Sandy implored another +minute's grace. + +Finally Albert Edward could stand the draughts no longer and ordered +Sandy, on pain of court-martial and death, to bring the water, hot or +not. + +Whereupon Sandy reluctantly brought his buckets along, and, grumbling +that neither his experience nor establishment had had a fair chance, +emptied them into the tub. Albert Edward stepped in without further +remark and sat down. + +The rest of the story I had from my groom and countryman, who, along +with an odd hundred other people, happened to be patronising the outer +chamber tubs at the time. He told me that suddenly they heard "a yowl +like a man that's afther bein' bit be a mad dog," and over the screen +of the inner chamber came our Albert Edward in his birthday dress. +"Took it in his sthride, Sor, an' coursed three laps round the +bath-house cursin' the way he'd wither the Divil," said my groom and +countryman; "then he ran out of the door into the snow an' lay down in +it." He likewise told me that Albert Edward's performance had caused a +profound sensation among the other bathers, and they inquired of +Sandy as to the cause thereof; but Sandy shook his Tam-o'-shanter and +couldn't tell them; hadn't the vaguest idea. The water he had given +Albert Edward was hardly scalding, he said; hardly scalding, with +barely one packet of mustard dissolved in it. + +Our Albert Edward is still taking his meals off the mantelpiece. + +I met my friend, the French battery commander, yesterday. He was +cantering a showy chestnut mare over the turf, humming a tune aloud. +He looked very fit and very much in love with the world. I asked him +what he meant by it. He replied that he couldn't help it; everybody +was combining to make him happy; his C.O. had fallen down a gun-pit +and broken a leg; he had won two hundred francs from his pet enemy; he +had discovered a jewel of a cook; and then there was always the Boche, +the perfectly priceless, absolutely ridiculous, screamingly funny +little Boche. The Boche, properly exploited, was a veritable fount of +joy. He dreaded the end of the War, he assured me, for a world without +Boches would be a salad sans the dressing. + +I inquired as to how the arch-humourist had been excelling himself +lately. + +The Captain passaged his chestnut alongside my bay, chuckled and told +me all about it. It appeared that one wet night he was rung up by +the Infantry to say that the neighbouring Hun was up to some funny +business, and would he stand by for a barrage, please? + +What sort of funny business was the Hun putting up? + +Oh, a rocket had gone up over the way and they thought it was a signal +for some frightfulness or other. + +He stood by for half an hour, and then, as nothing happened, turned +in. Ten minutes later the Infantry rang up again. More funny business; +three rockets had gone up. + +He stood by for an hour with no result, then sought his bunk once +more, cursing all men. Confound the Infantry getting the jumps over +a rocket or two! Confound them two times! Then a spark of inspiration +glowed within him, glowed and flamed brightly. If his exalted _poilus_ +got the wind up over a handful of rockets, how much more also would +the deteriorating Boche? + +Gurgling happily, he brushed the rats off his chest and the beetles +off his face, turned over and went to sleep. Next morning he wrote +a letter to his "god-mother" in Paris ("_une petite femme, tres +intelligente, vous savez_"), and ten days later her parcels came +tumbling in. The first night (a Monday) he gave a modest display, +red and white rockets bursting into green stars every five minutes. +Tuesday night more rockets, with a few Catherine-wheels thrown in. +Wednesday night, Catherine-wheels and golden rain, and so on until the +end of the week, when they finished up with a grand special attraction +and all-star programme, squibs, Catherine-wheels, Roman candles, +Prince of Wales' feathers, terminating in a blinding, fizzing barrage +of coloured rockets, and "God bless our Home" in golden stars. + +"All very pretty," said I, "but what were the results?" + +"Precisely what I anticipated. A deserter came over yesterday who was +through it all and didn't intend to go through it again. They had got +the wind up properly, he said, hadn't had a wink of sleep for a week. +His officers had scratched themselves bald-headed trying to guess what +it was all about. All ranks stood to continuously, up to their waists +in mud, frozen stiff and half drowned, while _my_ brave little rogues +of _poilus_, mark you, slept warm in their dug-outs, and the only man +on duty was the lad who was touching the fireworks off. O friend of +mine, there is much innocent fun to be got out of the Boche if you'll +only give him a chance!" + +PATLANDER. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Verger_ (_to Mrs. Smith, about to wed for fourth +time_). "VERY UNUSUAL INDEED, MRS. SMITH. I CAN'T REMEMBER ANY OF THE +OTHER THREE BEING QUITE SO LATE AS THIS."] + + * * * * * + + "The position of men who were not 41 before June 24, 1917, + and who have since attained 41 is again the subject of much + confusion."--_Daily Dispatch_. + +We can well believe this. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Mollie_ (_who has been naughty and condemned to +"no toast"_). "OH, MUMMY! ANYTHING BUT THAT! I'D RATHER HAVE A HARD +SMACK--_ANYWHERE YOU LIKE_."] + + * * * * * + +A CURE FOR CURIOSITY. + +(_An Idealistic Fable_.) + + Alfonso Ebenezer Scutt + Could never keep his mouth close shut; + And when I mention that his tongue + Was flexible and loosely hung, + You will begin to understand + Why he was honoured in our land. + + A lucky _coup_ in mining shares + Released him from financial cares, + And though his wife was strangely plain-- + A lady of Peruvian strain-- + She had a handsome revenue + Derived from manganese and glue. + Thus fortified, in Nineteen-Six + Alfonso entered politics, + Ousting from Sludgeport-on-the-Ouse + A Tory of old-fashioned views. + Alfonso Scutt, though wont to preach + In chapels, rarely made a speech, + But managed very soon to climb + To eminence at Question Time. + Fired by insatiable thirst + For knowledge, from the very first + He launched upon an endless series + Of quite unnecessary queries, + Till overworked officials came + To loathe the mention of his name. + At last their anguish grew so keen + The Premier had to intervene, + And by a tactful master-stroke + Relieved them from Alfonso's yoke. + By way of liberal reward + He made the childless Scutt a lord, + And then despatched him on a Mission + In honorific recognition + Of presents sent for our relief + By a renowned New Guinea Chief. + The natives of those distant parts + Are noted for their generous hearts, + But, spite of protests raised by us, + Continue anthropophagous. + And this, I have no doubt, was why, + When Members wished Lord Scutt good-bye, + You could not see one humid eye. + * * * * * + The moral of this simple strain + I trust is adequately plain. + When people crave for information + Unfit, in war, for publication, + They take a line, from vice or levity, + That's not conducive to longevity. + + * * * * * + +AN AFRICAN APPEAL. + +The Baboo must look to his laurels, for other dusky aspirants to +fluent articulate culture are on the warpath, and they are by no means +to be underrated. I have seen lately quite a number of letters from +young studious gentlemen of Ashantee, who, having acquired a little +English, desire more, and develop a passion for correspondence with +English strangers, whose names they pick up. The following typical +example, dated March 9th, 1917, will serve to illustrate the new +habit:-- + + "DEAR SIR,--I am with much pleasure to indite you about your + name that has come to my hand with great, joy. On the receipt + of this letter, know that I want to be one of your fellow + friends. You have been reported to me by a friend of mine of + your good attention and benevolences. My openion of writing + you is to say, I want to take you as my favourite friend. + Everything or news that may be happened there at your side, I + wish you to report same to me. And I also shall report same + to you satisfaction. Will you be good enough to agree with + me? Then I hope to get few lines of news from you being as + you consented or disconsented. To have a friend at abroad is + something that delights the life. I am earnestly requested to + hear from you soon. I beg to detain, dear Sir, + + "Yrs truly, + ----." + +To whom do you think that letter is addressed? You would suppose to +some public personage with a reputation for cordial sympathy with the +young and earnest, such as the CHIEF SCOUT, for instance. But no, the +"Dear Sir" is in reality a limited liability company, one of whose +circulars, I suppose, wandered to the Gold Coast. + + * * * * * + +THE LAW COURTS THEATRE. + +"ROMNEY'S RUM 'UN." + +London was probably never richer in comic actors than at the present +moment, for not only is W.H. BERRY at the Adelphi, LESLIE HENSON at +the Gaiety, ARTHUR ROBERTS at the Oxford singing his old songs, and +ROBERT HALE and GEORGE ROBEY twice daily elsewhere, but in the Law +Courts Playhouse CHARLES DARLING has been lately at his very best. +Dropping in there last week, during the performance of a new +farce, entitled _Romney's Rum 'Un_, I was again fascinated by the +inexhaustible wit and allusive badinage of this great little comedian, +beside whose ready gagging GEORGE GRAVES himself is inarticulate. Had +not GEORGE ROBEY invented for application to himself the descriptive +phrase, "The Prime Minister of Mirth," it should be at once affixed to +the Law Courts' fun-maker; but, since it is too late to use that, let +us think of him as "The Chancellor of the Exchequer of Mirth." + +CHARLES DARLING'S success is the more remarkable because he keeps so +still. He sits in his chair as steadily as another of his outdistanced +rivals, SAM MAYO ("The Immobile Comedian," as he is called), remains +standing. He has few gestures; he rarely, if ever, sings, and I have +never seen him dance; and yet the way in which he "gets over" is +astonishing. "Laughter holding both his sides" is the most constant +attendant of this theatre. + +What is the secret? Well, first and foremost it is of course to be +sought in the genius of the actor himself; but contributory causes are +the acceptivity of the audience, which is more noticeable in the Law +Courts than in any other London theatre, and the willingness of his +fellow-performers to "feed" him, as stage-folk have it; that is to +say, provide him with materials upon which (again resorting to stage +language) he may "crack his wheezes." The other day, for example, that +excellent comedian, JOHN SIMON, was his principal ally in this way, +and nothing could have been better than the sympathy between the two +funny men. To CHARLES DARLING naturally fell the fat of the dialogue, +but no one enjoyed the treat more than JOHN SIMON, in whose dictionary +the word jealousy does not exist. LESLIE SCOTT also did his best to +"feed" his principal, and the results were a scream. + +If the jokes were now and then a little legal, what did it matter? +Many of the audience were legal too, and that there is no better +audience the reports of the farces played here day after day +abundantly prove. They are out for fun, and therefore in an +appreciative and complaisant mood. + +To prove a comedian's genius to the mere reader is a difficult +matter, and one can never hope to re-embody him in all his humorous +idiosyncracies; but quotation comes to one's aid, and in the case +of such a wit as CHARLES DARLING it is invaluable. Thus JOHN SIMON, +referring to Mrs. SIDDONS' unwieldiness in her old age, said that in +a certain part she had to be helped from her knees by two attendants. +Quick as lightning came the comment, "When she was younger she was +able to rise on her own merits." Was ever so exquisitely funny and +unexpected a turn given to the dull word "merits"? Another +perfect thing from this diverting piece, followed also by Homeric +cachinnations, was the mock-serious apophthegm: "If a cloud is going +to support a lady of substantial proportions, you must make it fairly +solid." + +I came away with reluctance, filled with wonder at the want of +enterprise shown by our revue-managers in not having, long ere now, +secured CHARLES DARLING'S services. If only he continues to take +his art seriously he has a great future. Meanwhile I am applying +embrocation to my sore sides. + + * * * * * + +NATURE NOTES. + + _"The Gloaming,"_ + + _North Kensington_. + + + DEAR MR. PUNCH,--I wonder if any of your intelligent readers + have noticed the wonderful adaptability of Nature, of which I + send you the following remarkable instance:--The yellowhammer, + which we are always told sings, "A little bit of bread and no + che-e-ese," has (unless my ears grossly deceive me) changed + its words this year to "A little bit of cheese and no + bre-e-ead!" Need I say more? + + Your obedient servant, OBSERVATOR. + + * * * * * + + "Mr. Isaac L.---- is in Cape Town. We hope the change will do + Mrs. L.---- good."--_Weekly Paper_. + +We trust that no domestic differences are indicated. + + * * * * * + + "The bread ...had been collected from local hostels and + barracks for pigs."--_Daily Mail_. + +Does the writer delicately hesitate to call a sty a sty, or has the +internment of the food-hog really begun? + + * * * * * + + "Lord Robert Cecil concluded: 'There is a well-known French + proverb, Que; messieurs, les assassins commencement--let the + murderers begin.'"--_Daily News_. + +Our contemporary has begun. + + * * * * * + +REVENTLOW RUMINATES. + + I have no wounds to show; the cannon's thunder + Does not impair my rest. It's just as well, + For, though I dote on blood, and thoughts of plunder + Act on my jaded spirit like a spell, + I could not but regard it as a blunder + If Prussia's foremost scribe should stop a shell. + + So, while I sport the usual iron crosses, + No feats of valour pinned them on my breast, + But writing up the sanguinary losses + Inflicted by our genius in the West. + The punctual theme of my Imperial boss is + "Turn on a victory!" and I do the rest. + + To praise each spasm of ruthlessness that passes + Down cringing HOLLWEG'S compromising spine, + Boost the pretensions of the ruling classes + And hail the Hohenzollerns as divine, + And never hesitate to tell the masses + They are and will continue to be swine:-- + + These are my task. And there are compensations + About the job that field-grey heroes lack. + Although, e.g., there is a dearth of rations, + I'm not the one that goes without his whack; + Nor do the bayonets of inferior nations + Send nervous chills down my retreating back. + + Yet sometimes in the small and early watches + I think, "Good Lord! suppose the U-boats fail! + Or our Colossus of the purple blotches + Should let the Allies get him by the tail! + Suppose this war is one of Deutschland's botches, + And Right, not Might, should happen to prevail!" + + There'd be a revolution; nought could stop it. + Not that I'd weep if WILHELM had to go; + But what if Holy Junkerdom should cop it? + That would be most unfortunate--and, oh! + Supposing Count REVENTLOW had to hop it, + Kultur would never rally from the blow. + +ALGOL. + + * * * * * + +ROYAL ACADEMY DEPRESSIONS.--II. + +[Illustration: "COME ALONG, YOU LITTLE IMP! I'LL LEARN YOU TO MAKE FUN +OF MY TROUSERS."] + +[Illustration: THE ETERNAL FEMININE. + +"THAT'LL DO; DON'T TROUBLE ABOUT YOUR HAIR--WE'RE NOT LIKELY TO MEET +ANYONE." + +"OH, I CAN'T GO LIKE THIS; ONE NEVER KNOWS WHEN A SUBMARINE MAY BOB +UP."] + +[Illustration: THE FOOD SHORTAGE. ARRIVAL OF THE MINT-SAUCE BOAT.] + +[Illustration: _Figure on the Seat._ "HE CALLS THIS 'THE GARDEN OF +MEMORIES,' BUT HE NEARLY FORGOT _ME_."] + +[Illustration: UNHAPPY RESULT OF A TOO GENEROUS FRUIT DIET.] + +[Illustration: NATIONAL ECONOMY. + +"NOW THEN, MY LADS, KEEP YOUR HEADS DOWN OR WE'LL HAVE THE FRAME +CONTROLLER AFTER US."] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Second-Lieutenant Spooner_ (_unnerved by presence of +a General inspecting_). "THE COMPANY WILL MOVE TO THE FIGHT IN ROARS. +FORM--ROARS! FIGHT!"] + + * * * * * + +ZERO. + +("_Zero-hour_"--_commonly known as "Zero"_--_is the hour fixed for the +opening of an Infantry attack._) + + I woke at dawn and flung the window wide. + Behind the hedge the lazy river ran; + The dusky barges idled down the tide; + In the laburnum-tree the birds began; + And it was May and half the world in flower; + I saw the sun creep over an Eastward brow, + And thought, "It may be, this is Zero-hour; + Somewhere the lads are 'going over' now." + + Somewhere the guns speak sudden on the height + And build for miles their battlement of fire; + Somewhere the men that shivered all the night + Peer anxious forth and scramble through the wire, + Swarm slowly out to where the Maxims bark, + And green and red the panic rockets rise; + And Hell is loosed, and shyly sings a lark, + And the red sun climbs sadly up the skies. + + Now they have won some sepulchred Gavrelle, + Some shattered homes in their own dust concealed; + Now no Bosch troubles them nor any shell, + But almost quiet holds the thankful field, + While men draw breath, and down the Arras road + Come the slow mules with battle's dreary stores, + And there is time to see the wounded stowed, + And stretcher-squads besiege the doctors' doors. + + Then belches Hell anew. And all day long + The afflicted place drifts heavenward in dust; + All day the shells shriek out their devils' song; + All day men cling close to the earth's charred crust; + Till, in the dusk, the Huns come on again, + And, like some sluice, the watchers up the hill + Let loose the guns and flood the soil with slain, + And they go back, but scourge the village still. + + I see it all. I see the same brave souls + To-night, to-morrow, though the half be gone, + Deafened and dazed, and hunted from their holes, + Helpless and hunger-sick, but holding on. + I shall be happy all the long day here, + But not till night shall they go up the steep, + And, nervous now because the end is near, + Totter at last to quietness and to sleep. + + And men who find it easier to forget, + In England here, among the daffodils, + That there in France are fields unflowered yet, + And murderous May-days on the unlovely hills-- + Let them go walking where the land is fair + And watch the breaking of a morn in May, + And think, "It may be Zero over there, + But here is Peace"--and kneel awhile, and pray. + + * * * * * + "Surely one result of the war will be that civilised races + will regard the German as an outcast unfit to associate with + or to have dealings with on equal terms. If he is able to + say 'tu grogue' we shall put ourselves in a false + position."--_Times of India_. + +For ourselves, we decline to do this. We shall simply call him +another. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: FOR SERVICES RENDERED. + +A GERMAN DECORATION FOR BRITISH STRIKERS.] + + * * * * * + +ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT. + +[Illustration: Our racing correspondent writes that Mr. LLOYD GEORGE +is having some difficulty with his string (Sinn Fein's Beauty GINNELL, +All and More for Ireland REDMOND, and Ulster CARSON) for the Irish +Grand National.] + + +_Monday, May 14th_.--No longer will the FIRST SEA LORD be distracted +from his primary duty of strafing the Hun by the necessity of looking +after supplies. That function will now be discharged by an hon. and +temp. Vice-Admiral, in the person of Sir ERIC GEDDES, late hon. and +temp. Major-General and Director of Transportation to the Army in +France, and now Shipbuilder-in-Chief to the nation. Everyone +seemed pleased, with the notable exception of Mr. HOGGE, who cannot +understand why all these appointments should be showered upon Sir ERIC +GEDDES, when there are other able Scotsmen still unemployed. A late +hon. Admiral of the Fleet, now residing at Potsdam, is believed to +share Mr. HOGGE'S objections. + +The hardships endured by the criminal classes when they are so +unfortunate as to get into prison always strikes a sympathetic chord +in the gentle breast of Mr. EDMUND HARVEY. His latest discovery is +that they are allowed the use of writing-paper not more than once a +month; and for the rest of the time have to entrust their literary +compositions to the unsympathetic surface of a slate, with the aid of +a probably squeaky slate-pencil. Could JOHN BUNYAN have written _The +Pilgrim's Progress_ under such conditions? The question opens up +a vista of speculation as to the influence of environment upon the +creative faculty; and it is not surprising that Mr. BRACE was unable +to answer it offhand. + +In ordinary times the Financial Secretary of the Treasury is the most +important Member of the Government outside the Cabinet. Under the +present _regime_ he is not a member of the House at all. It is true +that Mr. BALDWIN takes his place as Parliamentary whipping-boy to the +CHANCELLOR OF THE EXCHEQUER with much grace and good humour; but that +does not satisfy hon. Members, who want a more substantial object for +their daily castigation. The debate on this subject revealed a sharp +division of opinion between Mr. EDWIN MONTAGU and Mr. HERBERT SAMUEL. +COUSIN EDWIN, as an ex-Secretary of the Treasury, did not think +the House had suffered any serious loss through being unable to +cross-examine that official direct. COUSIN HERBERT was shocked at this +revolutionary sentiment coming from his kinsman. If it were accepted +there was no logical reason why even the Chancellor of the Exchequer +should have a seat in the House. Why, indeed, have Ministers at all? A +row of gramophones, ranged along the Treasury Bench and supplied with +officially prepared records, would satisfy all legitimate curiosity. + +_Tuesday, May 15th_.--I forget how many weeks ago it is since Mr. +BONAR LAW announced that the Government were going to make one more +effort to settle the Irish Question, and that in due course the +PRIME MINISTER would announce their proposals. Since then events have +conspired to produce successive postponements. Mr. LLOYD GEORGE had to +go to France--for the War refuses to stop even though Irishmen decline +to encourage it--Mr. REDMOND fell ill, Archbishop WALSH indited a +postscript, and an election in South Longford suggested doubts as to +whether Nationalist M.P.'s were really the Irish nation after all. +Nevertheless there is a plan; and it is to be communicated, but in the +first instance to the leaders of Irish parties only, and then, if they +please, to the Press, and finally, perhaps, to the House of Commons. + +_Wednesday, May 16th_.--We all want to help the new Russian Government +in its difficult task, but I doubt if Mr. SNOWDEN and his pacifist +friends have contributed to that end by inviting the House of Commons +to endorse forthwith the "no annexation, no indemnities" declaration +of a section of the Revolutionaries, and by supporting their proposal +in a series of speeches which might be summed up in the words "Peace +at any Price." Even the German CHANCELLOR will not be wholly pleased, +for the debate revealed that, apart from the seven or eight gentlemen +who follow the white flag of the Member for Blackburn, the House is +absolutely fixed in its determination to defeat German militarism +before talking of peace. + +After the searching analysis to which the hon. Member's confident +statements were subjected by Lord ROBERT CECIL and Mr. A.F. WHYTE +there was nothing left of them but a trace of acid. + +So far as I am aware the Member for Blackburn has never endangered the +integrity of his principles by helping his country in any way to win +the War. In this respect Mr. LEES SMITH, who seconded the motion, has +a less consistent record, for he has worn khaki as an orderly of the +R.A.M.C. But in his case service abroad seems only to have confirmed +his peculiar principles, for he thinks that we ought to return the +German colonies, and enable the natives to enjoy once again the +blessings of _Kultur_. If he ever saw the Hun while he was in France +it must have been through a pair of rose-tinted binoculars. + +_Thursday, May 17th_.--We are all agog to know whether the PRIME +MINISTER'S offer of immediate Home Rule to twenty-six Counties of +Ireland is to be blessed or banned by the Nationalists. This is the +day when Irish Questions have priority, and the House hears such +important inquiries as whether Hibernian holiday-makers will have +their excursion-trains restored to them; what became of a side of +bacon captured by the police during the Easter Monday rebellion, and +why a certain magistrate should have been struck off the Commission of +the Peace for a trifling refusal to take the oath of allegiance. Are +we to go without this entertainment in the future, or will Mr. REDMOND +refuse to rob Westminster of its gaiety even for the sake of College +Green? + +If, as I ventured to suggest last week, the CHANCELLOR OF THE +EXCHEQUER had laid in a stock of tobacco before the Budget he has +evidently exhausted it by now, for, on his attention again being +called to the exorbitant charge of the tobacconists, he no longer +pooh-poohed the matter, but sternly declared that the situation was +being closely watched. + + * * * * * + + COMMERCIAL CANDOUR. + + "The Car that never fails to give anything but satisfaction to + its owners."--_Advertisement in "Indian Motor News."_ + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Amateur_ (_awaiting his turn to perform_). "A-ARE YOU +NERVOUS, OLD CHAP?" + +_Infant Prodigy_ (_ditto_). "WHAT IS 'NERVOUS'?"] + + * * * * * + +MY AMERICAN COUSINS. + + Because they speak the tongue that's mine, + Rich in the treasure that belongs + To them as well as me, and twine + Their heart-strings in our English songs, + I knew they'd scorn those German threats + And sham regrets. + + Because their country's name is scrolled + With Liberty's; because her fate, + Like England's own, must be unrolled + In Freedom still, they had to hate + The thought of bowing down before + A Lord of War. + + And now they'll lavish in the strife + The gold they've scorned to love too well, + And fleets to bring the food that's life, + And guns of death, and steel and shell; + Defeat or triumph, stand or fall, + They'll share their all. + + They're out for business; now's their Day; + They took their time, but finished right; + The heat got slowly comes to stay; + Patient for peace means firm in fight; + And so their country still shall be + Land of the Free. + + * * * * * + + "Remarkable scenes were witnessed at Exeter yesterday at the + free distribution of 10,000 lbs. of potatoes in 5 lb. lots. + Five thousand people obtained 5 lbs. each."--_Sunday Paper_. + +This result was obtained by the forethought of the distributors, who +had the potatoes laid out on multiplication tables. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Farmer_. "WHAT THE BLAZES ARE YOU DOING? AND WITH THEM +'ORSES STANDIN' HIDLE?" + +_Tommy_. "CLEANIN' ME BUTTONS. 'AVEN'T YOU NEVER BEEN A SOLDIER?"] + + * * * * * + +THE DOLLS THAT DID THEIR BIT. + +_"Je vous tends mon corbillon: qu'y met-on?"_ asked Jeanne, holding +out her basket towards the first of her dolls seated in a semi-circle +before her. Most of them were quite familiar with the game, but for +the sake of a new-comer Jeanne had explained that each player must +place in the basket some object the name of which ended with _on_, to +rhyme with _corbillon_. She had announced that this time the game was +in aid of a cause, and that therefore it must be played with _things_ +and not with words only. + +"Qu'y met-on, Marie?" repeated Jeanne. "Rappelez-vous bien que c'est +une quete a l'intention des petites filles polonaises internees au +camp de Havelberg!" What, Marie had nothing but her chain necklace, +and that did not end in _on?_ No, but the links of the chain did, +argued Jeanne. "Donne _des chainons!_" she prompted in a whisper. "J'y +mets des chainons," said Marie in Jeanne's thinnest voice, and the +necklace found its way into the basket. + +"_Je vous tends mon corbillon: qu'y met-on?_ A vous, Marthe. O," +exclaimed Jeanne, "tu y mets ton _chignon?_ Eh bien, tu sais, n'est-ce +pas, beta, qu'il faut que tu t'y mettes avec!" and into the basket she +went after a lingering caress from Jeanne. + +_"Je vous tends mon corbillon: qu'y met-on?"_ It was the turn now of +Yvonne in her bed. "Comment," said Jeanne, affecting indignation, "si +tu n'etais pas si frileuse tu donnerais ton edredon?" And what about +the little _poupees polonaises internees_, snatched from their beds +and carried off without any bedclothes at all, let alone an eiderdown! +Presently, "J'y mets mon edredon," Yvonne was understood to say, and +"Sage!" approved Jeanne. + +_"Je vous tends mon corbillon: qu'y met-on?_ Jacques, mon pauvre ami, +tu n'as pas de chance, hein?" There was no help for it; it was the +only thing he had that rhymed. "Imagine la joie des petites polonaises +internees!" she urged, taking the necessary action. "J'y mets mon +pantalon," piped a disconsolate little thread of voice. + +_"Je vous tends mon corbillon: qu'y met-on?_ A vous, Mikadesse!" A +beam of pleasure, succeeded by a falling of the countenance, then a +look of decision, ended in a "Houp-la!" as the Japanese doll descended +into the basket, and was made to say, "J'y mets une poupee du Japon!" +After all she was an ally of the little polonaises. + +_"Je vous tends mon corbillon: qu'y met-on?_ Allons, les jumeaux! a +vous!" Jeanne thought the twins were really in a plight and that she +would have to help them out with a gift, but, quick as thought, Castor +seized Pollux, saying, "J'y mets mon compagnon!" and Pollux, divining +his intention, grasped Castor, declaring excitedly, "Et moi aussi, +j'y mets mon compagnon" And into the basket they leapt together. "Ils +s'entetent a rester inseparables," sighed Jeanne; "c'est bien." + +_"Je vous tends mon corbillon: qu'y met-on?"_ Adelaide never had +possessed anything worth giving away, and yet she seemed to be +suggesting that the contents of the basket did not look very imposing +so far, and would hardly be enough to go round among so many little +Poles, so Jeanne came to the rescue with gifts of toys until "J'y mets +ma contribution!" came jubilantly forth in a voice that forgot to be +Adelaide's. + +All had now contributed. Yet Jeanne had a feeling that somehow it was +not the end of the game. She pondered gravely for a few moments, then, +placing herself solemnly before the mirror, she addressed herself:-- + +_"Jeanne, je vous tends mon corbillon: qu'y met-on?"_ After a few +seconds she began to see what she ought to do. + +"Qu'y mets-tu, Jeanne?" It would be rather hard, but she must do it. + +Sitting down and turning up the skirt of her frock, she took each of +the contributors, kissed and caressed them, and placed them in her +lap. Adelaide only did she except, explaining to the others, "Oui, +mes cheris, je garde Adelaide, car savez-vous bien, c'est elle qui me +donne des idees; je prends toujours conseil avec elle. Alors, n'est +ce pas?" Then, carrying the dolls in her petticoat, she solemnly undid +the button, let it slip down with the dolls inside, and placed it +resolutely in the basket, saying: "J'y mets mon jupon!" + +What was Adelaide saying? One must give cheerfully and not regret the +gift? _Surtout il ne faut pas verser une larme!_ + +So, hugging her doll, Jeanne returned to the mirror and added, +smiling, "Avec sa-tis-fac-ti-on!" + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Officer's Servant_ (_replying to adverse criticism of +war-worn charger_). "I 'EARD THE GUVNOR SAY THERE WAS THREE 'UNDRED +QUID REFUSED FOR 'IM BEFORE THE WAR. WHAT DO YOU THINK OF THAT?" + +_Jock_. "WEEL, I'M THENKIN' THERE WAS TWA FOOLS MET THAT DAY, AND I +DINNA KEN WHICH O' THEM WAS THE BIGGER."] + + * * * * * + + "Prospects in English Literature. + III.--Looking Backward."--_The Athenaeum_. + +We trust this is only preliminary to a further advance. + + * * * * * + + "Shepherds in Scotland are feeding lambs with whisky and + hot milk. Many titled landed proprietors are acting as + shepherds."--_Daily News_. + +Surely our Radical contemporary does not mean to suggest-- + + * * * * * + +FAIRIES. + + There are fairies at the bottom of our garden! + It's not so very, very far away; + You pass the gardener's shed and you just keep straight ahead; + I do so hope they've really come to stay. + There's a little wood, with moss in it and beetles, + And a little stream that quietly runs through; + You wouldn't think they'd dare to come merrymaking there-- + Well, they do. + + There are fairies at the bottom of our garden! + They often have a dance on summer nights; + The butterflies and bees make a lovely little breeze, + And the rabbits stand about and hold the lights. + Did you know that they could sit upon the moonbeams + And pick a little star to make a fan, + And dance away up there in the middle of the air? + Well, they can. + + There are fairies at the bottom of our garden! + You cannot think how beautiful they are; + They all stand up and sing when the Fairy Queen and King + Come gently floating down upon their car. + The King is very proud and _very_ handsome; + The Queen--now can you guess who that could be + (She's a little girl all day, but at night she steals away)?-- + Well--it's ME! + + * * * * * + "Young Lady Wanted, for few months, as Companion-Help + (seaside); fare paid and 6d. week pocket-money; or would + train Girl as Housemaid, same terms."--_Provincial Paper_. + +Such extravagance in war-time ought to be checked. + + * * * * * + + "SHADY GERMAN TRICK. + + "In the village of Boisleux-au-Mout the Germans utilised part + of the cemetery to bury their own dead, but before doing so + deliberately hewed down every tree growing on the side of the + ground where the French graves lie."--_Daily Paper_. + +Is "shady" quite the right word for this outrage? + + * * * * * + +PEAS AND PLEDGES. + +"Has anything special," I said, "been happening during my absence?" + +"We are up to our chins in work," said Francesca. + +"But is it real work?" + +"Of course it is. We've formed a General Committee, of which +everybody's a member, including you, and we've formed an Executive +Committee, of which there are about a dozen members. And then there +are some Sub-Committees." + +"Yes, I know. The Executive Committee thinks it's going to do all the +work, but it's got to report to the General Committee, and it it'll +be a great piece of luck if the General Committee doesn't insist +on asserting itself by upsetting all the decisions of the Executive +Committee." + +"Oh, but our General Committee isn't going to be like that at all. +There won't be any petty jealousy about our General Committee. +Besides, the Executive Committee has power to act, and it doesn't need +to report till the Annual Meeting of the General Committee, which is +to be held a year from now. When that time comes lots of things will +have happened." + +"That," I said, "is one of the truest things you've ever said. Even +the War may be over by that time." + +"But if it isn't we shall all be living on swedes or pea-soup, or +rice-bread or all three together; and we shall have a food controller +in every village, and our Committees won't be wanted." + +"I beg your pardon; they'll be more wanted than ever to keep +the controller straight and act as a buffer between him and the +population." + +"But they won't know they're a buffer, and they won't like it when +some tactless person tells them. Anyhow, that's a long way off, and in +the meantime we've got the land." + +"Who've got what land?" + +"Our Committee," said Francesca, "have got two acres of land from +Mr. Carberry, and we're going to grow a crop of peas on it so that +everybody may have pea-soup in case of a pinch." + +"But what about the peas?" I said, "Have you made sure of those?" + +"We had a good deal of trouble about them, but we've got a firm +promise of six bushels." + +"Capital! But are you quite sure you know how to bring the land and +the peas together?" + +"Well, I'm not so much of an expert as I should like to be, but Mr. +Bolton 's a practical farmer, and he's going to do all he can for us." + +"Will he plough it?" + +"It's been ploughed twice, so he's undertaken to harrow it and scarify +it--doesn't it sound awful?--and then something else is going to +happen to it, but I forget what it's called." + +"Wouldn't it be a good thing, at some stage or other, to plant the +peas?" + +"Yes, it would; but you can't do it as simply as all that, can you? +Isn't there something highly agricultural that you must do first?" + +"I should chuck 'em in and chance it." + +"A nice farmer you'd make," she said scornfully. "I'm remembering it +now. It's got something to do with drills." + +"Like the Volunteers?" + +"No, not a bit like the Volunteers." + +"Well, then, like potatoes." + +"Yes, more like potatoes, except that they're peas in this case." + +"How true," I said. + +"Yes. And don't forget that while you were away we formed a League +of Honour in the village and bound ourselves to observe the FOOD +CONTROLLER'S rations." + +"Am I a member?" + +"Yes, we thought you'd like to be one, so I gave your name in." + +"I think a man must pledge his own honour. He can't have it done for +him." + +"There's no public ceremony. You can just pledge yourself in your +mind, and then put a pledge card in one of the windows." + +"I'll have tea first," I said, "and then I'll choose the window, and +then I'll pledge myself in my mind." + +"No, you can do the pledging now." + +"I've done it, while you were talking." + +"And after all it's only the old rations according to Lord DEVONPORT, +and we've been working under them for some time now." + +"So we have," I said; "but of course the card in the window makes all +the difference." + +R.C.L. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: THE SERVANT PROBLEM. + +_Lady_. "AND WHY DID YOUR LAST MISTRESS----" + +_Applicant_ (_loftily_). "EXCUSE ME, MADAM!" + +_Lady_. "WELL--ER--YOUR LAST EMPLOYER----" + +_Applicant_. "I BEG YOUR PARDON, MADAM!" + +_Lady_. "WELL, THEN, YOUR LAST--ER--PRAY WHAT DO YOU CALL THOSE IN +WHOSE SERVICE YOU ARE ENGAGED?" + +_Applicant_. "CLIENTS, MADAM." [_Collapse of interrogator_.]] + + * * * * * + + OUR MODEST CONTEMPORARIES. + + "Had it been intended to make any new pronouncement of + importance the Berlin Government would have taken steps to + circulate the speech by wireless in time for publication in + 'The Star' yesterday evening."--_The Star_. + +It is possible that Dr. BETHMANN-HOLLWEG was misled by our +contemporary's habit of publishing its "7.0 Edition" at 4.30. + + * * * * * + +From an obituary notice:-- + + "He had studied Eastern religions, and claimed to have been + initiated as a llama of Tibet."--_Daily Mail_. + +Or should it be the Grand Lama of Peru? + + * * * * * + + "The----Food Economy Committee were astounded yesterday at + the secretary's report of a collier's family of six persons + who consumed twenty half-quartern loaves in one week, + averaging twenty pounds of bread per person."--_Sunday + Chronicle_. + +It is not stated whether the astonishment was caused by the family's +appetite or the secretary's arithmetic. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Fond Mother_ (_reading_). "'OUR CAPTAIN IS ONE OF THE +BEST, AND WE'RE READY TO FOLLOW HIM TO H--L.' I SUPPOSE HE MEANS THE +HINDENBURG LINE."] + + * * * * * + +OUR BOOKING-OFFICE. + +(_By Mr. Punch's Staff of Learned Clerks_.) + +In the list of heroic young soldier-authors whose gifts the War has +revealed to us only to snatch them away, the name of DONALD HANKEY +already holds an honoured place. It will, therefore, be good news to +the many admirers of _A Student in Arms_ that a further selection of +these heartening and fine-spirited papers has been prepared under the +title of _A Student in Arms--Second Series_ (MELROSE). The thousands +who already know and admire Lieut. HANKEY'S work will need no +introduction to this, which exhibits all the qualities of courage +and sympathy that have given the former book a world-wide popularity. +They, and others, will however welcome the occasion afforded here of +learning something about the life and personality of the writer, which +they will do both from the short preface contributed by one whose +identity is hardly disguised under the initials "H.M.A.H.," and from +a couple of papers, autobiographical, that end the volume. Rugbieans +especially will be interested to read DONALD HANKEY'S recollections of +his school-days, with their tribute to the house-master affectionately +known to so many generations as "Jackey." A book, in short, that will +add to the admiration and regret with which its author is spoken of in +three continents. + + * * * * * + +_He Looked in My Window_ (CHATTO AND WINDUS), by ROBERT HALIFAX, gives +the adventures of _Ruth Shadd_, decentest of dwellers in a meanish +street, during her determined hunt for a husband. It would have been +easy to make all this unlovely in its frankness, but the author very +skilfully (and, I think, very sincerely) avoids this. _Ruth_ is a fine +girl, with character and candour, those too rare assets, and having +pursued, and found wanting, _Bert_, the swanker, who hasn't the +courage for matrimony; the polite and fatuously prudent _Archie_, and +_Joe_, the vegetarian, who had such exalted faith in malt, she wins +a deserved happiness with someone that she had never even thought of +pursuing. Mr. HALIFAX gives me an impression of almost cinematographic +and gramophonic exactness in his portraiture. _George Shadd_, _Ruth's_ +father, who worked in the gasworks and was one of the very best, +delighted me particularly, with his pathetic little garden, his battle +with the slugs and black-fly, and his fine patience with _Mrs. Shadd_, +who put her washing before his fire and her props among his choicest +seedlings--a difficult woman indeed. The author writes with humour and +sympathy; and that is the way to write of this brave if narrow life. +It is the first time I have looked in Mr. HALIFAX'S window. I shall +take steps to do so again. 'Tis a nice clean window. + + * * * * * + +Not even the most confirmed Gallio can avoid caring for _Arthur +Stanton--A Memoir_, by the Rt. Hon. G.W.E. RUSSELL (LONGMANS), when +he has once dipped his mind into the book. It is the record of a +singularly beautiful and beneficent life, lived to the very utmost in +the service of God and man, and ruled by a simple and direct religion +which constantly forced practice up to the exalted level of precept. +Judged by merely worldly standards of achievement, ARTHUR STANTON'S +life could not be considered a success. He began as curate of St. +Alban's, Holborn, and as curate of St. Alban's he ended after many +years of enthusiastic devotion to humanity. He was foiled and thwarted +by the great ones of the Church, inhibited in one place, suspended in +another, and frequently doomed to find a Bishop or a Chaplain-General +set, like a lion, across his path. But nothing could avail to stop +him where he found a soul that could be saved or misery that could +be relieved. His congregation, drawn from the slums of Holborn, would +have died for him to a man, for they realised with how great an ardour +his life was spent in order that he might help them. His faith was +not a mystery kept apart for special occasions, but a daily and hourly +influence vivifying his words and directing his actions. And no man +could have enjoyed himself more than this true saint and interpreter +of God to man. His religion was not one of gloom and foreboding, but a +cheerful and delightful habit of mind and soul. _Tantum religio potuit +suadere bonorum._ Mr. RUSSELL has done his work with great skill and +perfect sympathy, and has produced a book that does honour to himself +and to the beloved friend whom it is his privilege to commemorate. + + * * * * * + +The many readers of _Punch_ who took a close interest in ALEC +JOHNSTON'S letters written "At the Back of the Front" and "At the +Front" will be glad to have them in collected form. The memory of his +gallant end--he was killed in action after the brilliant capture of +a salient near Ypres, at the head of his company of Shropshires--is +fresh in all our hearts. A preface to _At the Front_ (CONSTABLE) +contains an appreciation of his high character and soldierly qualities +by his friend and fellow-officer, Captain INGRAM, R.A.M.C., D.S.O., +M.C., who a few weeks later was himself killed. It is a fine tribute +paid by one true soldier to another. These letters of ALEC JOHNSTON, +as their editor reminds us, "were composed in the brief interludes +snatched from hard fighting and hard fatigues. They never pretended +to be more than the gay and cynical banter of one who brought to the +perils of life at the Front an incurable habit of humour. They are +typical of that brave spirit, essentially English, that makes light of +the worst that fate can send." + + * * * * * + +It must, I should think, be exceedingly difficult to find a new title +in these days for a volume of reminiscences. Mr. RAYMOND BLATHWAYT +seems to have solved the problem happily enough by calling his +contribution to the rapidly-increasing library of recollections, +_Through Life and Round the World_ (ALLEN). One way and another, +first as a curate (rightly termed by the publishers "rather +unconventional"), later as journalist, Mr. BLATHWAYT has contrived to +use a pair of remarkably open eyes with excellent effect. The result +is this fat volume, whose contents, if honesty constrains me to call +the most of them gossip, are at least generally entertaining and never +ill-natured. Needless to say, Mr. BLATHWAYT, like the elder _Capulet_, +can "tell a tale such as will please." For myself, out of a goodly +store, I should select for first honours a repartee, new to me, of +Sir HERBERT TREE (forgive this dropping into rhyme!). It tells of a +boastful old-time actor, vaunting his triumphs as _Hamlet_, when "the +audience took fifteen minutes leaving the theatre." "_Was ha lame?_" +If our only HERBERT did not in fact make this reply, I can only hope +that he will at once hasten home and do so. But while we are upon Mr. +BLATHWAYT'S dramatic recollections, I must respectfully traverse his +dictum that some of the acting at the local pageants of a few years +back "surpassed the very best I have seen upon the stage." As one who +took a personal part in many of those well-meant revivals, and dates +a relaxed throat from the effort of vociferating history, up-wind, +towards a stand full of ear-straining auditors, I bow but remain +unconvinced. + + * * * * * + +Although the literary style of Mr. JULIUS M. PRICE, of _The +Illustrated London News_, is too breezy for my taste, I am glad to +have read his _Six Months on the Italian Front_ (CHAPMAN AND HALL). +Possibly he under-estimates our appreciation of Italy's share in the +War's burden, but his account of the conditions prevailing upon the +Italian front, and of the courage and skill with which they have been +overcome, deserves our undiluted approval. It is difficult to believe +that anyone who is not at least a member of the Alpine Club can +dimly realise the engineering feats which the Italian soldiers have +performed. Mr. PRICE has been given many opportunities of observation, +and where none was given to him he has contrived to make them for +himself. And the result is a book full of incident and excitement. +I hope that he will pardon me when I add that my sense of gratitude +would have been greater if, in addition to the photograph of +himself--or even instead of it--he had given us a map. For the rest +his illustrations are excellent. + + * * * * * + +To MARTIN SWAYNE, officer in the R.A.M.C., on his lawful occasions +or in the intervals of swatting flies _In Mesopotamia_ (HODDER AND +STOUGHTON), there came some thoughts pleasant and bitter, and you can +see that he has selected the pleasant and cut out the others, partly +because of his loyalty and humour, and partly, no doubt, in deference +to the prejudices of censorship. And he writes his selection of +printable remarks in a very agreeable and not undistinguished idiom, +pointing the narrative with reflections sane and sage enough. He +has also made some water-colour notes (here reproduced in colour) of +things seen; not remarkable, but adequate to convey an impression. We +have all lamented the confusions (shall we call them?) of the medical +service, and the trials of our troops in that blessed region entered +through Kurna, the Gate of the Garden of Eden, in the early days of +the Mesopotamian adventure. The author reports a radical improvement, +and if Eden isn't exactly the name you'd give to this pest-ridden +country at least the fighting men are now backed by the devotion and +competence of the healing men, and all goes well for both. To the +bulldog might well be added the retriever as our national emblem. We +are some retrievers. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: OUR MIXED ARMY. + +_Refined Ex-Journalist_. "DON'T YOU THINK THAT COOK HAS STRESSED THE +ONIONS A LITTLE IN THE STEW TO-DAY?"] + + * * * * * + +From an article headed "Outlook for Oil":-- + + "It is urged in commercial circles that the Government should + secure men with laboratory experience, plus a complete + absence of practical knowledge, to report on shale + deposits."--_Australian Paper_. + +We thought it was only in the Old Country that Governments had any use +for that sort of man. + + + +***END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI, VOL. +152, MAY 23, 1917*** + + +******* This file should be named 15512.txt or 15512.zip ******* + + +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: +https://www.gutenberg.org/dirs/1/5/5/1/15512 + + + +Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions +will be renamed. + +Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no +one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation +(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without +permission and without paying copyright royalties. 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