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diff --git a/15512-h/15512-h.htm b/15512-h/15512-h.htm new file mode 100644 index 0000000..efecb2a --- /dev/null +++ b/15512-h/15512-h.htm @@ -0,0 +1,2617 @@ +<!DOCTYPE html PUBLIC "-//W3C//DTD XHTML 1.0 Transitional//EN" + "http://www.w3.org/TR/xhtml1/DTD/xhtml1-transitional.dtd"> +<html> +<head> +<meta http-equiv="Content-Type" content="text/html; charset=ISO-8859-1" /> +<title>The Project Gutenberg eBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 152, May 23, 1917, by Various</title> + <style type="text/css"> + /*<![CDATA[*/ + + <!-- + body {margin-left: 8%; margin-right: 7%; max-width: 40em;} + body p {text-align: justify; text-indent: 1em;} + blockquote {text-align: justify;} + h1,h2,h3,h4,h5,h6 {text-align: center;} + pre {font-size: 0.7em;} + + .ctr {text-align: center;} + .sc {font-variant: small-caps;} + + hr {text-align: center; width: 50%;} + html>body hr {margin-right: 25%; margin-left: 25%; width: 50%;} + hr.full {width: 100%;} + html>body hr.full {margin-right: 0%; margin-left: 0%; width: 100%;} + hr.short {text-align: center; width: 20%;} + html>body hr.short {margin-right: 40%; margin-left: 40%; width: 20%;} + + .note, .footnote {margin-left: 10%; margin-right: 10%; font-size: 0.9em;} + + p.quotsig { /* author signature at end of letter */ + margin-left: 35%; + text-indent: -4em; /* gimmick to move 2nd line right */ + } + span.pagenum + {position: absolute; left: 1%; right: 91%; font-size: 8pt; text-indent: 0;} + + .poem + {margin-left:10%; margin-right:10%; margin-bottom: 1em; text-align: left;} + .poem .stanza {margin: 1em 0em 1em 0em;} + .poem p {margin: 0; padding-left: 3em; text-indent: -3em;} + .poem p.i2 {margin-left: 1em;} + .poem p.i4 {margin-left: 2em;} + .poem p.i6 {margin-left: 3em;} + .poem p.i8 {margin-left: 4em;} + .poem p.i10 {margin-left: 5em;} + + .figure, .figcenter, .figright, .figleft + {padding: 1em; margin: 0; text-align: center; font-size: 0.8em;} + .figure img, .figcenter img, .figright img, .figleft img + {border: none;} + .figure p, .figcenter p, .figright p, .figleft p + {margin: 0; text-indent: 1em;} + .figcenter {margin: auto;} + .figright {float: right;} + .figleft {float: left;} + + .inline {border: none; vertical-align: middle;} + + .author {text-align: right; margin-right: 5%; font-variant: small-caps;} + --> + /*]]>*/ + </style> +</head> +<body> +<h1>The Project Gutenberg eBook, Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 152, May +23, 1917, by Various, Edited by Owen Seaman</h1> +<pre> +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at <a href = "https://www.gutenberg.org">www.gutenberg.org</a></pre> +<p>Title: Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 152, May 23, 1917</p> +<p>Author: Various</p> +<p>Release Date: March 31, 2005 [eBook #15512]</p> +<p>Language: English</p> +<p>Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1</p> +<p>***START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI, VOL. 152, MAY 23, 1917***</p> +<p> </p> +<h4>E-text prepared by Jonathan Ingram, Sandra Brown,<br /> + and the Project Gutenberg Online Distributed Proofreading Team</h4> +<p> </p> +<hr class="full" /> + <h1>PUNCH,<br /> + OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.</h1> + + <h2>Vol. 152.</h2> + <hr class="full" /> + + <h2>May 23, 1917.</h2> + <hr class="full" /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page329" id="page329"></a>[pg + 329]</span> + + <h2>CHARIVARIA.</h2> + + <p>Mr. <span class="sc">William Watson</span> describes his new + book of verse, <i>The Man Who Saw</i>, as "an intermittent + commentary on the main developments and some of the collateral + phenomena of the War." People are already asking, "Why was a + man like this left out of the Dardanelles Commission?"</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>Weeds are a source of great trouble to the amateur gardener, + says a contemporary, because he is not always able to recognise + them. A good plan is to pull them out of the ground. If they + come up again they are weeds.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>We hope that Mr. <span class="sc">Charles Cochran</span> is + not indisposed, but we have not noticed a new revue by him this + week.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>Sulphur from Italy is being distributed by the Explosives + Committee. This body must not be confused with the Expletives + Committee, which gets it supply of sulphur straight from the + Front.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>The Metropolitan Water Board is appealing against waste of + water. It is proposed to provide patriotic householders with + attractive cards stating that the owner of the premises in + which the card is displayed is bound in honour not to touch the + stuff.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>According to a member of the Inventions Board, over two + thousand solutions of the U-boat problem have already been + received. Unfortunately this is more than the number of U-boats + available for experiment, but it is hoped that by strictly + limiting the allowance to one submarine per invention the + question may be determined in a manner satisfactory to the + greatest possible number.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>Of eight applications received by the Barnes Council for the + vacancy of Inspector of Nuisances three came from men of + military age. It is expected that the Council will suggest that + these gentlemen should be invited to inspect the nuisances in + front of the British trenches.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>The proprietor of thirteen steam rollers told the Egham + Tribunal that in two years he had only been able to take one of + them out of the yard. We cannot think that he has really tried. + Much might have been done with kindness and a piece of cheese, + while we have often seen quite large steam rollers being + enticed along the road by a man with a red flag.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>A Swiss correspondent is informed that "Hindenburg's legs + are no longer strong enough to support him." The weakness + appears to be gradually extending to his arms.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>"The starched collar must go," remarks a contemporary + ruefully. Not, we hope, before a substitute has been found for + some of those unwashable necks.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>"Lady conductors," said the Underground Railway official + last week, "must remember that the seats and straps are put + there for the use of the passengers." We know all about straps, + but we have often wondered what it feels like to use one of the + seats on the Underground.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>The police have raided a coining plant in Marylebone. It is + becoming more and more difficult to make money.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>Under a recent Government order the importation of wild + animals into Great Britain is forbidden. Allotment holders + throughout the country hope the order will be read out to any + wireworm or potato-moth that attempts to land at our ports.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>A deputation to the <span class="sc">Food Controller</span> + has demanded that the allowance of bread to farm labourers + should be increased to two pounds per head per day. The amount + is considered excessive in view of the national needs, and the + alternative course of permitting them to eat all they can grow + is being favourably considered.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>Mr. <span class="sc">Mitchel</span>, the Mayor of New York, + has forbidden musicians to play the National Anthems of the + Allies in ragtime. Mr. <span class="sc">Mitchel</span> is a + great humanitarian and simply hates the sound of anything in + pain.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>The German Society of Actors and Singers had forbidden its + members to sing in the United States. Enthusiasts from the + latter country are planning an early trip to Northern France + rather than miss entertainment in the Siegfried and Wotan + line.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>Following so closely upon the report that a Wallasey woman + had discovered a German coin in a loaf of bread we were not + surprised by a contemporary headline, "Seymour Hicks in a new + Rôle."</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>Damage to the extent of twenty-five thousand pounds is said + to have been caused to the crops in Australia by mice, and the + Australian authorities contemplate the purchase of a mouse + trap.</p> + <hr /> + + <div class="figcenter" style="width:40%;"> + <a href="images/329.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/329.png" alt="Economist (soliloquising)." /> + </a> + + <p><i>Economist</i> (<i>soliloquising</i>). + <span class="sc">"We must all deny ourselves something. And + to think, despite the paper shortage, people are still + smoking cigarettes."</span></p> + </div> + <hr /> + + <blockquote class="note"> + <h4>An Irish Settlement.</h4> + + <p>"Miss ——, who elected to serve fourteen + days' imprisonment rather than pay a fine for an alleged + assault arising out of a little commotion in Cork, was, on + her release from prison, presented with a gold mounted + umbrella in compensation for the one she broke on a + policeman's head."—<i>Evening Herald</i> + (<i>Dublin</i>).</p> + </blockquote> + + <p>In view of the admission in the last sentence, "alleged" is + good.</p> + <hr /> + + <blockquote class="note"> + <p>"New York, Friday.—An elaborate programme of + welcome will be escorted to the City Hall, which has been + prepared. The British Mission has been strikingly decorated + for the occasion with innumerable British and Allied + flags."—<i>Liverpool Post</i>.</p> + </blockquote> + + <p>We are not anxiously awaiting a snapshot of Mr. + <span class="sc">Balfour</span> in his latest costume.</p> + <hr /> + + <blockquote class="note"> + <p>"The vessels are at present under construction by the + Kawashi Dockyard Company, Limited, of Kobe, and realised + from £42 to £42 per ton deadweight."—<i>Poverty Bay + Herald</i>.</p> + </blockquote> + + <p>A careful calculation will show that the average cost was + almost exactly forty guineas.</p> + <hr /> + + <blockquote class="note"> + <p>"Several rhubord recipes have come in this week, so that + the reader who esquired for recipe for rhubard jelly is + supplied with this, and recipes for other rhubarb dainties + as well."—<i>Edmonton Journal</i> + (<i>Canada</i>).</p> + </blockquote> + + <p>If <i>John Gilpin</i> were to "dine at Edmonton" (Canada) he + would come in for some nice new vegetables.</p> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page330" id="page330"></a>[pg + 330]</span> + + <h2>A PLACE OF ARMS.</h2> + + <blockquote class="note"> + <p>[Inscribed by a humble member of the Inner Temple to the + Benchers of his Inn.]</p> + </blockquote> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>I knew a garden green and fair,</p> + + <p class="i2">Flanking our London river's tide,</p> + + <p>And you would think, to breathe its air</p> + + <p class="i2">And roam its virgin lawns beside,</p> + + <p>All shimmering in their velvet fleece,</p> + + <p>"Nothing can hurt this haunt of Peace."</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>No trespass marred that close retreat;</p> + + <p class="i2">Privileged were the few that went</p> + + <p>Pacing its walks with measured beat</p> + + <p class="i2">On legal contemplation bent;</p> + + <p>And Inner Templars used to say:</p> + + <p>"How well our garden looks today!"</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>But That which changes all has changed</p> + + <p class="i2">This guarded pleasaunce, green and + fair,</p> + + <p>And soldier-ranks therein have ranged</p> + + <p class="i2">And trod its beauty hard and bare,</p> + + <p>Have tramped and tramped its fretted floor</p> + + <p>Learning the discipline of War.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>And many a moon of Peace shall climb</p> + + <p class="i2">Above that mimic Field of Mars</p> + + <p>Before the healing touch of Time</p> + + <p class="i2">With springing green shall hide its + scars;</p> + + <p>But Inner Templars smile and say:</p> + + <p>"Our barrack-square looks well today."</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Good was that garden in their eyes,</p> + + <p class="i2">Lovely its spell of long-ago;</p> + + <p>Now waste and mired its glory lies,</p> + + <p class="i2">And yet they hold it dearer so,</p> + + <p>Who see beneath the wounds it bears</p> + + <p>A grace no other garden wears.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>For still the memory, never sere,</p> + + <p class="i2">But fresh as after fallen rain,</p> + + <p>Of those who learned their lesson here</p> + + <p class="i2">And may not ever come again,</p> + + <p>Gives to this garden, bruised and browned,</p> + + <p>A greenness as of hallowed ground.</p> + </div> + </div> + + <p class="author">O.S.</p> + <hr /> + + <h2>RANDOM FLIGHTS.</h2> + + <h4 class="sc">By Marcus Macleod.</h4> + + <p class="ctr">(<i>With renewed acknowledgments to "The + Skittish Weekly."</i>)</p> + + <p>It was with inexpressible relief that I heard of the narrow + escape of the Rev. Urijah Basham. Presiding at a jumble sale at + Sidcup he described how he had been within an ace of partaking + of rhubarb leaves at luncheon on the previous day, but, having + read in the morning's paper of their fatal results, wisely + decided to abstain. I need hardly remind my readers that Mr. + Basham is, after the Rev. <span class="sc">Joseph + Hocking</span>, perhaps our greatest preacher-novelist. The + jumble sale was held in the beautiful concert hall of the + Sidcup Temperance Congregational Reed Band. The Dowager-Lady + Bowler, Sir Moses Pimblett, and the Rev. Chadley Bandman were + amongst those who graced the function with their presence.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>A correspondent has kindly sent me a copy of <i>The Little + Diddlington Parish Magazine</i> for April. In it there is an + interesting letter claiming that the original of <i>Mr. + Pickwick</i> was a benevolent gentleman named Swizzle, who was + temporarily employed as perpetual curate of Little Diddlington + in the sixties. The evidence on which this identification is + founded seems to me somewhat unconvincing, as <i>Pickwick</i> + was published in the year 1836. But Nature, as it has been + finely said, often borrows from Art, and Fact may similarly be + inspired to emulate Fiction.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>I promised not to trouble my readers again with the Mystery + of the Man in the Iron Mask. But I may be allowed merely to + mention that there is an excellent study of the subject in + <i>The Methodist Monthly</i>, by my old friend, Professor + Corker. The article, which runs to nearly seventy pages, does + the utmost credit to this brilliant writer, who comes to the + conclusion that no satisfactory solution of the mystery has + ever been propounded or ever can be. But while his examination + of the different theories is singularly free from bias he is + evidently impressed by the ingenious view of Dr. Amos Stoot, + the eminent Chicago alienist, that the masked inmate of the + Bastille immured himself voluntarily in order to investigate + the conditions of French prison life at the time, but, owing to + the homicidal development of his subliminal consciousness, was + detained indefinitely by the authorities, and during his + imprisonment wrote the <i>Letters of Junius</i>.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>I have been reading with much enjoyment, and I hope profit, + a book entitled <i>Behind the Ivory Gate; Being the + Reminiscences of a Dentist</i>, by Orlando Pullar, F.R.D.S. Mr. + Pullar's opportunities for studying the psychology of his + clients have been exceptional, and he has turned them to rich + account in these fascinating pages. He is, moreover, as adroit + with his pen as with the instruments of his humane and + benevolent calling, and has a pretty wit. Thus he tells us that + his villa at Balham is named "Tusculum," and that, in view of + the fact that three generations of Pullars have been dentists, + his family can be said to be of "old extraction." This pleasant + quip I seem to have heard before; but, with all deductions, + there are many signs here of a strong sagacious mind, that + brings to bear on all the jars of daily life the priceless + emollient of moral uplift.</p> + <hr /> + + <div class="figcenter" style="width:100%;"> + <a href="images/331.png"><img width="70%" + src="images/331.png" alt="THE HYPNOTIST" /></a> + + <h3>THE HYPNOTIST.</h3> + + <p><span class="sc">Bethmann-Hollweg</span>: "KEEP LOOKING + AT ME. YOU'RE WINNING THE WAR! YOU'RE WINNING THE WAR! + YOU'RE WINNING THE WAR!"</p> + </div> + <hr /> + + <h2>THE MUD LARKS.</h2> + + <p>Never have I seen a kiltie platoon wading through the cold + porridge of snow and slush of which our front used to be + composed, but I have said, with my French friend, "<i>Mon Dieu, + les currents d'air!</i>" and thank Fate that I belong to a race + which reserves its national costume for fancy-dress balls.</p> + + <p>It is very well for MacAlpine of Ben Lomond, who has stalked + his haggis and devoured it raw, who beds down on thistles for + preference and grows his own fur; but it is very hard on Smith + of Peckham, who through no fault of his own finds himself in a + Highland regiment, trying to make his shirt-tails do where his + trousers did before. But the real heather-mixture, + double-distilled Scot is a hardy bird with different ideas from + <i>nous autres</i> as to what is cold: also as to what is hot. + Witness the trying experience of our Albert Edward.</p> + + <p>Our Albert Edward and a Hun rifle grenade arrived at the + same place at the same time, intermingled and went down to the + Base to be sifted. In the course of time came a wire from our + Albert Edward, saying he had got the grenade out of his system + and was at that moment at the railhead; were we going to send + him a horse or weren't we?</p> + + <p>Emma was detailed for the job, which was a mistake, because + Emma was not the mount for a man who had been softening for + five months in hospital. She had only two speeds in her + repertoire, a walk which slung you up and down her back from + her ears to her croup, and a trot which jarred your teeth loose + and rattled the buttons off your tunic. However, she went to + the railhead and Albert Edward mounted her, threw the clutch + into the first speed and hammered out the ten miles to our + camp, arriving smothered in snow and so stiff we had to lift + him down, so raw it was a mockery to offer him a chair, and + therefore he had to take his tea off the mantelpiece.</p> + + <p>We advised a visit to Sandy. Sandy was the hot bath + merchant. He lurked in a dark barn at the end of the village, + and could be found there at anytime of any day, brooding over + the black cauldrons in which the baths were brewed, his + Tam-o'-shanter drooped over one eye, steam condensing on his + blue nose. Theoretically the hot baths were free, but in + practice a franc pressed into Sandy's forepaw was found to have + a strong calorific effect on the water.</p> + + <p>So down the village on all fours, groaning like a Dutch brig + in a cross-sea, went our Albert Edward. He crawled into the + dark barn and, having <!--page 331 full page illustration--> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page332" id="page332"></a>[pg + 332]</span> no smaller change, contributed a two-franc bill to + the forepaw and told Sandy about his awful stiffness. His + eloquence and the double fee broke Sandy's heart. With great + tears in his eyes he assured Albert Edward that the utmost + resources of his experience and establishment should be + mobilised on his (Albert Edward's) behalf, and ushered him + tenderly into that hidden chamber, constructed of sacking + screens, which was reserved for officers. Albert Edward peeled + his clothes gingerly from him, and Sandy returned to his + cauldrons.</p> + + <p>The peeling complete, Albert Edward sat in the draughts of + the inner chamber and waited for the bath. The outer chamber + was filled with smoke, and the flames were leaping six feet + above the cauldrons; but every time Albert Edward holloaed for + his bath Sandy implored another minute's grace.</p> + + <p>Finally Albert Edward could stand the draughts no longer and + ordered Sandy, on pain of court-martial and death, to bring the + water, hot or not.</p> + + <p>Whereupon Sandy reluctantly brought his buckets along, and, + grumbling that neither his experience nor establishment had had + a fair chance, emptied them into the tub. Albert Edward stepped + in without further remark and sat down.</p> + + <p>The rest of the story I had from my groom and countryman, + who, along with an odd hundred other people, happened to be + patronising the outer chamber tubs at the time. He told me that + suddenly they heard "a yowl like a man that's afther bein' bit + be a mad dog," and over the screen of the inner chamber came + our Albert Edward in his birthday dress. "Took it in his + sthride, Sor, an' coursed three laps round the bath-house + cursin' the way he'd wither the Divil," said my groom and + countryman; "then he ran out of the door into the snow an' lay + down in it." He likewise told me that Albert Edward's + performance had caused a profound sensation among the other + bathers, and they inquired of Sandy as to the cause thereof; + but Sandy shook his Tam-o'-shanter and couldn't tell them; + hadn't the vaguest idea. The water he had given Albert Edward + was hardly scalding, he said; hardly scalding, with barely one + packet of mustard dissolved in it.</p> + + <p>Our Albert Edward is still taking his meals off the + mantelpiece.</p> + + <p>I met my friend, the French battery commander, yesterday. He + was cantering a showy chestnut mare over the turf, humming a + tune aloud. He looked very fit and very much in love with the + world. I asked him what he meant by it. He replied that he + couldn't help it; everybody was combining to make him happy; + his C.O. had fallen down a gun-pit and broken a leg; he had won + two hundred francs from his pet enemy; he had discovered a + jewel of a cook; and then there was always the Boche, the + perfectly priceless, absolutely ridiculous, screamingly funny + little Boche. The Boche, properly exploited, was a veritable + fount of joy. He dreaded the end of the War, he assured me, for + a world without Boches would be a salad sans the dressing.</p> + + <p>I inquired as to how the arch-humourist had been excelling + himself lately.</p> + + <p>The Captain passaged his chestnut alongside my bay, chuckled + and told me all about it. It appeared that one wet night he was + rung up by the Infantry to say that the neighbouring Hun was up + to some funny business, and would he stand by for a barrage, + please?</p> + + <p>What sort of funny business was the Hun putting up?</p> + + <p>Oh, a rocket had gone up over the way and they thought it + was a signal for some frightfulness or other.</p> + + <p>He stood by for half an hour, and then, as nothing happened, + turned in. Ten minutes later the Infantry rang up again. More + funny business; three rockets had gone up.</p> + + <p>He stood by for an hour with no result, then sought his bunk + once more, cursing all men. Confound the Infantry getting the + jumps over a rocket or two! Confound them two times! Then a + spark of inspiration glowed within him, glowed and flamed + brightly. If his exalted <i>poilus</i> got the wind up over a + handful of rockets, how much more also would the deteriorating + Boche?</p> + + <p>Gurgling happily, he brushed the rats off his chest and the + beetles off his face, turned over and went to sleep. Next + morning he wrote a letter to his "god-mother" in Paris ("<i>une + petite femme, très intelligente, vous savez</i>"), and ten days + later her parcels came tumbling in. The first night (a Monday) + he gave a modest display, red and white rockets bursting into + green stars every five minutes. Tuesday night more rockets, + with a few Catherine-wheels thrown in. Wednesday night, + Catherine-wheels and golden rain, and so on until the end of + the week, when they finished up with a grand special attraction + and all-star programme, squibs, Catherine-wheels, Roman + candles, Prince of Wales' feathers, terminating in a blinding, + fizzing barrage of coloured rockets, and "God bless our Home" + in golden stars.</p> + + <p>"All very pretty," said I, "but what were the results?"</p> + + <p>"Precisely what I anticipated. A deserter came over + yesterday who was through it all and didn't intend to go + through it again. They had got the wind up properly, he said, + hadn't had a wink of sleep for a week. His officers had + scratched themselves bald-headed trying to guess what it was + all about. All ranks stood to continuously, up to their waists + in mud, frozen stiff and half drowned, while <i>my</i> brave + little rogues of <i>poilus</i>, mark you, slept warm in their + dug-outs, and the only man on duty was the lad who was touching + the fireworks off. O friend of mine, there is much innocent fun + to be got out of the Boche if you'll only give him a + chance!"</p> + + <p class="author">Patlander.</p> + <hr /> + + <div class="figcenter" style="width:40%;"> + <a href="images/332.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/332.png" + alt="Verger (to Mrs. Smith, about to wed for fourth time)." /> + </a> + + <p><i>Verger</i> (<i>to Mrs. Smith, about to wed for fourth + time</i>). "<span class="sc">Very unusual indeed, Mrs. + Smith. I can't remember any of the other three being quite + so late as this</span>."</p> + </div> + <hr /> + + <blockquote class="note"> + <p>"The position of men who were not 41 before June 24, + 1917, and who have since attained 41 is again the subject + of much confusion."—<i>Daily Dispatch</i>.</p> + </blockquote> + + <p>We can well believe this.</p> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page333" id="page333"></a>[pg + 333]</span> + + <div class="figcenter" style="width:100%;"> + <a href="images/333.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/333.png" + alt="'OH, MUMMY! ANYTHING BUT THAT! I'D RATHER HAVE A HARD SMACK--_ANYWHERE YOU LIKE_.'" /> + </a> + + <p><i>Mollie</i> (<i>who has been naughty and condemned to + "no toast"</i>). <span class="sc">"Oh, Mummy! Anything but + that! I'd rather have a hard smack—<i>anywhere YOU + LIKE</i></span>."</p> + </div> + <hr /> + + <h3>A CURE FOR CURIOSITY.</h3> + + <p class="ctr">(<i>An Idealistic Fable</i>.)</p> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Alfonso Ebenezer Scutt</p> + + <p>Could never keep his mouth close shut;</p> + + <p>And when I mention that his tongue</p> + + <p>Was flexible and loosely hung,</p> + + <p>You will begin to understand</p> + + <p>Why he was honoured in our land.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>A lucky <i>coup</i> in mining shares</p> + + <p>Released him from financial cares,</p> + + <p>And though his wife was strangely plain—</p> + + <p>A lady of Peruvian strain—</p> + + <p>She had a handsome revenue</p> + + <p>Derived from manganese and glue.</p> + + <p>Thus fortified, in Nineteen-Six</p> + + <p>Alfonso entered politics,</p> + + <p>Ousting from Sludgeport-on-the-Ouse</p> + + <p>A Tory of old-fashioned views.</p> + + <p>Alfonso Scutt, though wont to preach</p> + + <p>In chapels, rarely made a speech,</p> + + <p>But managed very soon to climb</p> + + <p>To eminence at Question Time.</p> + + <p>Fired by insatiable thirst</p> + + <p>For knowledge, from the very first</p> + + <p>He launched upon an endless series</p> + + <p>Of quite unnecessary queries,</p> + + <p>Till overworked officials came</p> + + <p>To loathe the mention of his name.</p> + + <p>At last their anguish grew so keen</p> + + <p>The Premier had to intervene,</p> + + <p>And by a tactful master-stroke</p> + + <p>Relieved them from Alfonso's yoke.</p> + + <p>By way of liberal reward</p> + + <p>He made the childless Scutt a lord,</p> + + <p>And then despatched him on a Mission</p> + + <p>In honorific recognition</p> + + <p>Of presents sent for our relief</p> + + <p>By a renowned New Guinea Chief.</p> + + <p>The natives of those distant parts</p> + + <p>Are noted for their generous hearts,</p> + + <p>But, spite of protests raised by us,</p> + + <p>Continue anthropophagous.</p> + + <p>And this, I have no doubt, was why,</p> + + <p>When Members wished Lord Scutt good-bye,</p> + + <p>You could not see one humid eye.</p> + </div> + </div> + <hr class="short" /> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>The moral of this simple strain</p> + + <p>I trust is adequately plain.</p> + + <p>When people crave for information</p> + + <p>Unfit, in war, for publication,</p> + + <p>They take a line, from vice or levity,</p> + + <p>That's not conducive to longevity.</p> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + + <h3>AN AFRICAN APPEAL.</h3> + + <p>The Baboo must look to his laurels, for other dusky + aspirants to fluent articulate culture are on the warpath, and + they are by no means to be underrated. I have seen lately quite + a number of letters from young studious gentlemen of Ashantee, + who, having acquired a little English, desire more, and develop + a passion for correspondence with English strangers, whose + names they pick up. The following typical example, dated March + 9th, 1917, will serve to illustrate the new habit:—</p> + + <blockquote> + <p>"<span class="sc">Dear Sir</span>,—I am with much + pleasure to indite you about your name that has come to my + hand with great, joy. On the receipt of this letter, know + that I want to be one of your fellow friends. You have been + reported to me by a friend of mine of your good attention + and benevolences. My openion of writing you is to say, I + want to take you as my favourite friend. Everything or news + that may be happened there at your side, I wish you to + report same to me. And I also shall report same to you + satisfaction. Will you be good enough to agree with me? + Then I hope to get few lines of news from you being as you + consented or disconsented. To have a friend at abroad is + something that delights the life. I am earnestly requested + to hear from you soon. I beg to detain, dear Sir,</p> + + <p class="quotsig">"Yrs truly,<br /> + ——."</p> + </blockquote> + + <p>To whom do you think that letter is addressed? You would + suppose to some public personage with a reputation for cordial + sympathy with the young and earnest, such as the + <span class="sc">Chief Scout</span>, for instance. But no, the + "Dear Sir" is in reality a limited liability company, one of + whose circulars, I suppose, wandered to the Gold Coast.</p> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page334" id="page334"></a>[pg + 334]</span> + + <h2>THE LAW COURTS THEATRE.</h2> + + <h4>"ROMNEY'S RUM 'UN."</h4> + + <p>London was probably never richer in comic actors than at the + present moment, for not only is W.H. + <span class="sc">Berry</span> at the Adelphi, + <span class="sc">Leslie Henson</span> at the Gaiety, + <span class="sc">Arthur Roberts</span> at the Oxford singing + his old songs, and <span class="sc">Robert Hale</span> and + <span class="sc">George Robey</span> twice daily elsewhere, but + in the Law Courts Playhouse <span class="sc">Charles + Darling</span> has been lately at his very best. Dropping in + there last week, during the performance of a new farce, + entitled <i>Romney's Rum 'Un</i>, I was again fascinated by the + inexhaustible wit and allusive badinage of this great little + comedian, beside whose ready gagging <span class="sc">George + Graves</span> himself is inarticulate. Had not + <span class="sc">George Robey</span> invented for application + to himself the descriptive phrase, "The Prime Minister of + Mirth," it should be at once affixed to the Law Courts' + fun-maker; but, since it is too late to use that, let us think + of him as "The Chancellor of the Exchequer of Mirth."</p> + + <p><span class="sc">Charles Darling's</span> success is the + more remarkable because he keeps so still. He sits in his chair + as steadily as another of his outdistanced rivals, + <span class="sc">Sam Mayo</span> ("The Immobile Comedian," as + he is called), remains standing. He has few gestures; he + rarely, if ever, sings, and I have never seen him dance; and + yet the way in which he "gets over" is astonishing. "Laughter + holding both his sides" is the most constant attendant of this + theatre.</p> + + <p>What is the secret? Well, first and foremost it is of course + to be sought in the genius of the actor himself; but + contributory causes are the acceptivity of the audience, which + is more noticeable in the Law Courts than in any other London + theatre, and the willingness of his fellow-performers to "feed" + him, as stage-folk have it; that is to say, provide him with + materials upon which (again resorting to stage language) he may + "crack his wheezes." The other day, for example, that excellent + comedian, <span class="sc">John Simon</span>, was his principal + ally in this way, and nothing could have been better than the + sympathy between the two funny men. To <span class="sc">Charles + Darling</span> naturally fell the fat of the dialogue, but no + one enjoyed the treat more than <span class="sc">John + Simon</span>, in whose dictionary the word jealousy does not + exist. <span class="sc">Leslie Scott</span> also did his best + to "feed" his principal, and the results were a scream.</p> + + <p>If the jokes were now and then a little legal, what did it + matter? Many of the audience were legal too, and that there is + no better audience the reports of the farces played here day + after day abundantly prove. They are out for fun, and therefore + in an appreciative and complaisant mood.</p> + + <p>To prove a comedian's genius to the mere reader is a + difficult matter, and one can never hope to re-embody him in + all his humorous idiosyncracies; but quotation comes to one's + aid, and in the case of such a wit as <span class="sc">Charles + Darling</span> it is invaluable. Thus <span class="sc">John + Simon</span>, referring to Mrs. + <span class="sc">Siddons</span>' unwieldiness in her old age, + said that in a certain part she had to be helped from her knees + by two attendants. Quick as lightning came the comment, "When + she was younger she was able to rise on her own merits." Was + ever so exquisitely funny and unexpected a turn given to the + dull word "merits"? Another perfect thing from this diverting + piece, followed also by Homeric cachinnations, was the + mock-serious apophthegm: "If a cloud is going to support a lady + of substantial proportions, you must make it fairly solid."</p> + + <p>I came away with reluctance, filled with wonder at the want + of enterprise shown by our revue-managers in not having, long + ere now, secured <span class="sc">Charles Darling's</span> + services. If only he continues to take his art seriously he has + a great future. Meanwhile I am applying embrocation to my sore + sides.</p> + <hr /> + + <h3>NATURE NOTES.</h3> + + <blockquote> + <p class="ctr"> </p> + + <p class="quotsig"><i>The Gloaming</i>,"<br /> + <i>North Kensington</i>.</p> + + <p><span class="sc">Dear Mr. Punch</span>,—I wonder + if any of your intelligent readers have noticed the + wonderful adaptability of Nature, of which I send you the + following remarkable instance:—The yellowhammer, + which we are always told sings, "A little bit of bread and + no che-e-ese," has (unless my ears grossly deceive me) + changed its words this year to "A little bit of cheese and + no bre-e-ead!" Need I say more?</p> + + <p class="quotsig">Your obedient servant,<br /> + <span class="sc">Observator</span>.</p> + </blockquote> + <hr /> + + <blockquote class="note"> + <p>"Mr. Isaac L. —— is in Cape Town. We hope + the change will do Mrs. L. —— + good."—<i>Weekly Paper</i>.</p> + </blockquote> + + <p>We trust that no domestic differences are indicated.</p> + <hr /> + + <blockquote class="note"> + <p>"The bread...had been collected from local hostels and + barracks for pigs."—<i>Daily Mail</i>.</p> + </blockquote> + + <p>Does the writer delicately hesitate to call a sty a sty, or + has the internment of the food-hog really begun?</p> + <hr /> + + <blockquote class="note"> + <p>"Lord Robert Cecil concluded: 'There is a well-known + French proverb, Que; messieurs, les assassins + commencement—let the murderers + begin.'"—<i>Daily News</i>.</p> + </blockquote> + + <p>Our contemporary has begun.</p> + <hr /> + + <h2>REVENTLOW RUMINATES.</h2> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>I have no wounds to show; the cannon's thunder</p> + + <p class="i2">Does not impair my rest. It's just as + well,</p> + + <p>For, though I dote on blood, and thoughts of + plunder</p> + + <p class="i2">Act on my jaded spirit like a spell,</p> + + <p>I could not but regard it as a blunder</p> + + <p class="i2">If Prussia's foremost scribe should stop + a shell.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>So, while I sport the usual iron crosses,</p> + + <p class="i2">No feats of valour pinned them on my + breast,</p> + + <p>But writing up the sanguinary losses</p> + + <p class="i2">Inflicted by our genius in the West.</p> + + <p>The punctual theme of my Imperial boss is</p> + + <p class="i2">"Turn on a victory!" and I do the + rest.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>To praise each spasm of ruthlessness that passes</p> + + <p class="i2">Down cringing + <span class="sc">Hollweg's</span> compromising + spine,</p> + + <p>Boost the pretensions of the ruling classes</p> + + <p class="i2">And hail the Hohenzollerns as divine,</p> + + <p>And never hesitate to tell the masses</p> + + <p class="i2">They are and will continue to be + swine:—</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>These are my task. And there are compensations</p> + + <p class="i2">About the job that field-grey heroes + lack.</p> + + <p>Although, <i>e.g.</i>, there is a dearth of + rations,</p> + + <p class="i2">I'm not the one that goes without his + whack;</p> + + <p>Nor do the bayonets of inferior nations</p> + + <p class="i2">Send nervous chills down my retreating + back.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Yet sometimes in the small and early watches</p> + + <p class="i2">I think, "Good Lord! suppose the U-boats + fail!</p> + + <p>Or our Colossus of the purple blotches</p> + + <p class="i2">Should let the Allies get him by the + tail!</p> + + <p>Suppose this war is one of Deutschland's + botches,</p> + + <p class="i2">And Right, not Might, should happen to + prevail!"</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>There'd be a revolution; nought could stop it.</p> + + <p class="i2">Not that I'd weep if + <span class="sc">Wilhelm</span> had to go;</p> + + <p>But what if Holy Junkerdom should cop it?</p> + + <p class="i2">That would be most unfortunate—and, + oh!</p> + + <p>Supposing Count <span class="sc">Reventlow</span> + had to hop it,</p> + + <p class="i2">Kultur would never rally from the + blow.</p> + </div> + </div> + + <p class="author">Algol.</p> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page335" id="page335"></a>[pg + 335]</span> + + <h3>ROYAL ACADEMY DEPRESSIONS.—II.</h3> + + <div class="figleft" style="width:45%;"> + <a href="images/335-1.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/335-1.png" + alt="'COME ALONG, YOU LITTLE IMP! I'LL LEARN YOU TO MAKE FUN OF MY TROUSERS." /> + </a> + + <p class="sc">"Come along, you little imp! I'll learn you + to make fun of my trousers."</p> + </div> + + <div class="figright" style="width:45%;"> + <a href="images/335-2.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/335-2.png" alt="THE ETERNAL FEMININE." /></a> + + <h5>THE ETERNAL FEMININE.</h5> + + <p class="sc">"That'll do; don't trouble about your + hair—we're not likely to meet anyone."</p> + + <p class="sc">"Oh, I can't go like this; one never knows + when a submarine may bob up."</p> + </div> + + <div class="figleft" style="width:45%;"> + <a href="images/335-3.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/335-3.png" + alt="THE FOOD SHORTAGE. ARRIVAL OF THE MINT-SAUCE BOAT." /> + </a> + + <p class="sc">The food shortage. Arrival of the mint-sauce + boat.</p> + </div> + + <div class="figright" style="width:45%;"> + <a href="images/335-4.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/335-4.png" + alt="'HE CALLS THIS 'THE GARDEN OF MEMORIES,' BUT HE NEARLY FORGOT _ME_.'" /> + </a> + + <p><i>Figure on the Seat.</i> "<span class="sc">He calls + this 'the garden of memories,' but he nearly forgot + <i>me</i>.</span>"</p> + </div> + + <div class="figleft" style="width:45%;"> + <a href="images/335-5.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/335-5.png" + alt="UNHAPPY RESULT OF A TOO GENEROUS FRUIT DIET." /></a> + + <p class="sc">Unhappy result of a too generous fruit + diet.</p> + </div> + + <div class="figright" style="width:45%;"> + <a href="images/335-6.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/335-6.png" alt="NATIONAL ECONOMY." /></a> + + <h5>NATIONAL ECONOMY.</h5> + + <p class="sc">"Now then, my lads, keep your heads down or + we'll have the Frame Controller after us."</p> + </div><br clear="all" /> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page336" id="page336"></a>[pg + 336]</span> + + <div class="figcenter" style="width:100%;"> + <a href="images/336.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/336.png" + alt="THE COMPANY WILL MOVE TO THE FIGHT IN ROARS." /></a> + + <p><i>Second-Lieutenant Spooner</i> (<i>unnerved by + presence of a General inspecting</i>). + "<span class="sc">The Company will move to the fight in + roars. Form—Roars! Fight</span>!"</p> + </div> + <hr /> + + <h2>ZERO.</h2> + + <p class="ctr">("<i>Zero-hour</i>"—<i>commonly known as + "Zero"</i>—<i>is the hour fixed for the opening of an + Infantry attack.</i>)</p> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>I woke at dawn and flung the window wide.</p> + + <p class="i2">Behind the hedge the lazy river ran;</p> + + <p>The dusky barges idled down the tide;</p> + + <p class="i2">In the laburnum-tree the birds began;</p> + + <p>And it was May and half the world in flower;</p> + + <p class="i2">I saw the sun creep over an Eastward + brow,</p> + + <p>And thought, "It may be, this is Zero-hour;</p> + + <p class="i2">Somewhere the lads are 'going over' + now."</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Somewhere the guns speak sudden on the height</p> + + <p class="i2">And build for miles their battlement of + fire;</p> + + <p>Somewhere the men that shivered all the night</p> + + <p class="i2">Peer anxious forth and scramble through + the wire,</p> + + <p>Swarm slowly out to where the Maxims bark,</p> + + <p class="i2">And green and red the panic rockets + rise;</p> + + <p>And Hell is loosed, and shyly sings a lark,</p> + + <p class="i2">And the red sun climbs sadly up the + skies.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Now they have won some sepulchred Gavrelle,</p> + + <p class="i2">Some shattered homes in their own dust + concealed;</p> + + <p>Now no Bosch troubles them nor any shell,</p> + + <p class="i2">But almost quiet holds the thankful + field,</p> + + <p>While men draw breath, and down the Arras road</p> + + <p class="i2">Come the slow mules with battle's dreary + stores,</p> + + <p>And there is time to see the wounded stowed,</p> + + <p class="i2">And stretcher-squads besiege the doctors' + doors.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Then belches Hell anew. And all day long</p> + + <p class="i2">The afflicted place drifts heavenward in + dust;</p> + + <p>All day the shells shriek out their devils' + song;</p> + + <p>All day men cling close to the earth's charred + crust;</p> + + <p>Till, in the dusk, the Huns come on again,</p> + + <p class="i2">And, like some sluice, the watchers up + the hill</p> + + <p>Let loose the guns and flood the soil with + slain,</p> + + <p class="i2">And they go back, but scourge the village + still.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>I see it all. I see the same brave souls</p> + + <p class="i2">To-night, to-morrow, though the half be + gone,</p> + + <p>Deafened and dazed, and hunted from their holes,</p> + + <p class="i2">Helpless and hunger-sick, but holding + on.</p> + + <p>I shall be happy all the long day here,</p> + + <p class="i2">But not till night shall they go up the + steep,</p> + + <p>And, nervous now because the end is near,</p> + + <p class="i2">Totter at last to quietness and to + sleep.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>And men who find it easier to forget,</p> + + <p class="i2">In England here, among the daffodils,</p> + + <p>That there in France are fields unflowered yet,</p> + + <p class="i2">And murderous May-days on the unlovely + hills—</p> + + <p>Let them go walking where the land is fair</p> + + <p class="i2">And watch the breaking of a morn in + May,</p> + + <p>And think, "It may be Zero over there,</p> + + <p class="i2">But here is Peace"—and kneel + awhile, and pray.</p> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + + <blockquote class="note"> + <p>"Surely one result of the war will be that civilised + races will regard the German as an outcast unfit to + associate with or to have dealings with on equal terms. If + he is able to say 'tu grogue' we shall put ourselves in a + false position."—<i>Times of India</i>.</p> + </blockquote> + + <p>For ourselves, we decline to do this. We shall simply call + him another.</p> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page337" id="page337"></a>[pg + 337]</span> + + <div class="figcenter" style="width:100%;"> + <a href="images/337.png"><img width="60%" + src="images/337.png" alt="FOR SERVICES RENDERED." /></a> + + <h3>FOR SERVICES RENDERED.</h3>A GERMAN DECORATION FOR + BRITISH STRIKERS. + </div> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page338" id="page338"></a>[pg + 338]</span> + + <h2>ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT.</h2> + + <div class="figcenter" style="width:100%;"> + <a href="images/338.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/338.png" + alt="Our racing correspondent writes that Mr. LLOYD GEORGE is having some difficulty with his string" /> + </a> + + <p>Our racing correspondent writes that Mr. + <span class="sc">Lloyd George</span> is having some + difficulty with his string (Sinn Fein's Beauty + <span class="sc">Ginnell</span>, All and More for Ireland + <span class="sc">Redmond</span>, and Ulster + <span class="sc">Carson</span>) for the Irish Grand + National.</p> + </div> + + <p><i>Monday, May 14th</i>.—No longer will the + <span class="sc">First Sea Lord</span> be distracted from his + primary duty of strafing the Hun by the necessity of looking + after supplies. That function will now be discharged by an hon. + and temp. Vice-Admiral, in the person of Sir + <span class="sc">Eric Geddes</span>, late hon. and temp. + Major-General and Director of Transportation to the Army in + France, and now Shipbuilder-in-Chief to the nation. Everyone + seemed pleased, with the notable exception of Mr. + <span class="sc">Hogge</span>, who cannot understand why all + these appointments should be showered upon Sir + <span class="sc">Eric Geddes</span>, when there are other able + Scotsmen still unemployed. A late hon. Admiral of the Fleet, + now residing at Potsdam, is believed to share Mr. + <span class="sc">Hogge's</span> objections.</p> + + <p>The hardships endured by the criminal classes when they are + so unfortunate as to get into prison always strikes a + sympathetic chord in the gentle breast of Mr. + <span class="sc">Edmund Harvey</span>. His latest discovery is + that they are allowed the use of writing-paper not more than + once a month; and for the rest of the time have to entrust + their literary compositions to the unsympathetic surface of a + slate, with the aid of a probably squeaky slate-pencil. Could + <span class="sc">John Bunyan</span> have written <i>The + Pilgrim's Progress</i> under such conditions? The question + opens up a vista of speculation as to the influence of + environment upon the creative faculty; and it is not surprising + that Mr. <span class="sc">Brace</span> was unable to answer it + offhand.</p> + + <p>In ordinary times the Financial Secretary of the Treasury is + the most important Member of the Government outside the + Cabinet. Under the present <i>régime</i> he is not a member of + the House at all. It is true that Mr. + <span class="sc">Baldwin</span> takes his place as + Parliamentary whipping-boy to the <span class="sc">Chancellor + of the Exchequer</span> with much grace and good humour; but + that does not satisfy hon. Members, who want a more substantial + object for their daily castigation. The debate on this subject + revealed a sharp division of opinion between Mr. + <span class="sc">Edwin Montagu</span> and Mr. + <span class="sc">Herbert Samuel</span>. <span class="sc">Cousin + Edwin</span>, as an ex-Secretary of the Treasury, did not think + the House had suffered any serious loss through being unable to + cross-examine that official direct. <span class="sc">Cousin + Herbert</span> was shocked at this revolutionary sentiment + coming from his kinsman. If it were accepted there was no + logical reason why even the Chancellor of the Exchequer should + have a seat in the House. Why, indeed, have Ministers at all? A + row of gramophones, ranged along the Treasury Bench and + supplied with officially prepared records, would satisfy all + legitimate curiosity.</p> + + <p><i>Tuesday, May 15th</i>.—I forget how many weeks ago + it is since Mr. <span class="sc">Bonar Law</span> announced + that the Government were going to make one more effort to + settle the Irish Question, and that in due course the + <span class="sc">Prime Minister</span> would announce their + proposals. Since then events have conspired to produce + successive postponements. Mr. <span class="sc">Lloyd + George</span> had to go to France—for the War refuses to + stop even though Irishmen decline to encourage it—Mr. + <span class="sc">Redmond</span> fell ill, Archbishop + <span class="sc">Walsh</span> indited a postscript, and an + election in South Longford suggested doubts as to whether + Nationalist M.P.'s were really the Irish nation after all. + Nevertheless there is a plan; and it is to be communicated, but + in the first instance to the leaders of Irish parties only, and + then, if they please, to the Press, and finally, perhaps, to + the House of Commons.</p> + + <p><i>Wednesday, May 16th</i>.—We all want to help the + new Russian Government in its difficult task, but I doubt if + Mr. <span class="sc">Snowden</span> and his pacifist friends + have contributed to that end by inviting the House of Commons + to endorse forthwith the "no annexation, no indemnities" + declaration of a section of the + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page339" id="page339"></a>[pg + 339]</span> Revolutionaries, and by supporting their proposal + in a series of speeches which might be summed up in the words + "Peace at any Price." Even the German + <span class="sc">Chancellor</span> will not be wholly pleased, + for the debate revealed that, apart from the seven or eight + gentlemen who follow the white flag of the Member for + Blackburn, the House is absolutely fixed in its determination + to defeat German militarism before talking of peace.</p> + + <p>After the searching analysis to which the hon. Member's + confident statements were subjected by Lord + <span class="sc">Robert Cecil</span> and Mr. A.F. + <span class="sc">Whyte</span> there was nothing left of them + but a trace of acid.</p> + + <p>So far as I am aware the Member for Blackburn has never + endangered the integrity of his principles by helping his + country in any way to win the War. In this respect Mr. + <span class="sc">Lees Smith</span>, who seconded the motion, + has a less consistent record, for he has worn khaki as an + orderly of the R.A.M.C. But in his case service abroad seems + only to have confirmed his peculiar principles, for he thinks + that we ought to return the German colonies, and enable the + natives to enjoy once again the blessings of <i>Kultur</i>. If + he ever saw the Hun while he was in France it must have been + through a pair of rose-tinted binoculars.</p> + + <p><i>Thursday, May 17th</i>.—We are all agog to know + whether the <span class="sc">Prime Minister's</span> offer of + immediate Home Rule to twenty-six Counties of Ireland is to be + blessed or banned by the Nationalists. This is the day when + Irish Questions have priority, and the House hears such + important inquiries as whether Hibernian holiday-makers will + have their excursion-trains restored to them; what became of a + side of bacon captured by the police during the Easter Monday + rebellion, and why a certain magistrate should have been struck + off the Commission of the Peace for a trifling refusal to take + the oath of allegiance. Are we to go without this entertainment + in the future, or will Mr. <span class="sc">Redmond</span> + refuse to rob Westminster of its gaiety even for the sake of + College Green?</p> + + <p>If, as I ventured to suggest last week, the + <span class="sc">Chancellor of the Exchequer</span> had laid in + a stock of tobacco before the Budget he has evidently exhausted + it by now, for, on his attention again being called to the + exorbitant charge of the tobacconists, he no longer pooh-poohed + the matter, but sternly declared that the situation was being + closely watched.</p> + <hr /> + + <blockquote class="note"> + <h4>Commercial Candour.</h4> + + <p>"The Car that never fails to give anything but + satisfaction to its owners."—<i>Advertisement in + "Indian Motor News."</i></p> + </blockquote> + <hr /> + + <div class="figcenter" style="width:65%;"> + <a href="images/339.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/339.png" alt="A-ARE YOU NERVOUS, OLD CHAP?" /> + </a> + + <p><i>Amateur</i> (<i>awaiting his turn to perform</i>). + "<span class="sc">A-are you nervous, old chap</span>?"</p> + + <p><i>Infant Prodigy</i> (<i>ditto</i>). + "<span class="sc">What is 'nervous</span>'?"</p> + </div> + <hr /> + + <h3>MY AMERICAN COUSINS.</h3> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Because they speak the tongue that's mine,</p> + + <p class="i2">Rich in the treasure that belongs</p> + + <p>To them as well as me, and twine</p> + + <p class="i2">Their heart-strings in our English + songs,</p> + + <p>I knew they'd scorn those German threats</p> + + <p class="i8">And sham regrets.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Because their country's name is scrolled</p> + + <p class="i2">With Liberty's; because her fate,</p> + + <p>Like England's own, must be unrolled</p> + + <p class="i2">In Freedom still, they had to hate</p> + + <p>The thought of bowing down before</p> + + <p class="i8">A Lord of War.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>And now they'll lavish in the strife</p> + + <p class="i2">The gold they've scorned to love too + well,</p> + + <p>And fleets to bring the food that's life,</p> + + <p class="i2">And guns of death, and steel and + shell;</p> + + <p>Defeat or triumph, stand or fall,</p> + + <p class="i8">They'll share their all.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>They're out for business; now's their Day;</p> + + <p class="i2">They took their time, but finished + right;</p> + + <p>The heat got slowly comes to stay;</p> + + <p class="i2">Patient for peace means firm in + fight;</p> + + <p>And so their country still shall be</p> + + <p class="i8">Land of the Free.</p> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + + <blockquote class="note"> + <p>"Remarkable scenes were witnessed at Exeter yesterday at + the free distribution of 10,000 lbs. of potatoes in 5 lb. + lots. Five thousand people obtained 5 lbs. + each."—<i>Sunday Paper</i>.</p> + </blockquote> + + <p>This result was obtained by the forethought of the + distributors, who had the potatoes laid out on multiplication + tables.</p> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page340" id="page340"></a>[pg + 340]</span> + + <div class="figcenter" style="width:100%;"> + <a href="images/340.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/340.png" + alt="WHAT THE BLAZES ARE YOU DOING? AND WITH THEM 'ORSES STANDIN' HIDLE?" /> + </a> + + <p><i>Farmer</i>. "<span class="sc">What the blazes are you + doing? And with them 'orses standin' hidle</span>?"</p> + + <p><i>Tommy</i>. "<span class="sc">Cleanin' me buttons. + 'Aven't you never been a soldier</span>?"</p> + </div> + <hr /> + + <h2>THE DOLLS THAT DID THEIR BIT.</h2> + + <p><i>"Je vous tends mon corbillon: qu'y met-on?"</i> asked + Jeanne, holding out her basket towards the first of her dolls + seated in a semi-circle before her. Most of them were quite + familiar with the game, but for the sake of a new-comer Jeanne + had explained that each player must place in the basket some + object the name of which ended with <i>on</i>, to rhyme with + <i>corbillon</i>. She had announced that this time the game was + in aid of a cause, and that therefore it must be played with + <i>things</i> and not with words only.</p> + + <p>"Qu'y met-on, Marie?" repeated Jeanne. "Rappelez-vous bien + que c'est une quête à l'intention des petites filles polonaises + internées au camp de Havelberg!" What, Marie had nothing but + her chain necklace, and that did not end in <i>on?</i> No, but + the links of the chain did, argued Jeanne. "Donne <i>des + chaînons!</i>" she prompted in a whisper. "J'y mets des + chaînons," said Marie in Jeanne's thinnest voice, and the + necklace found its way into the basket.</p> + + <p>"<i>Je vous tends mon corbillon: qu'y met-on?</i> À vous, + Marthe. Ô," exclaimed Jeanne, "tu y mets ton <i>chignon?</i> Eh + bien, tu sais, n'est-ce pas, bêta, qu'il faut que tu t'y mettes + avec!" and into the basket she went after a lingering caress + from Jeanne.</p> + + <p><i>"Je vous tends mon corbillon: qu'y met-on?"</i> It was + the turn now of Yvonne in her bed. "Comment," said Jeanne, + affecting indignation, "si tu n'étais pas si frileuse tu + donnerais ton édredon?" And what about the little <i>poupées + polonaises internées</i>, snatched from their beds and carried + off without any bedclothes at all, let alone an eiderdown! + Presently, "J'y mets mon édredon," Yvonne was understood to + say, and "Sage!" approved Jeanne.</p> + + <p><i>"Je vous tends mon corbillon: qu'y met-on?</i> Jacques, + mon pauvre ami, tu n'as pas de chance, hein?" There was no help + for it; it was the only thing he had that rhymed. "Imagine la + joie des petites polonaises internées!" she urged, taking the + necessary action. "J'y mets mon pantalon," piped a disconsolate + little thread of voice.</p> + + <p><i>"Je vous tends mon corbillon: qu'y met-on?</i> A vous, + Mikadesse!" A beam of pleasure, succeeded by a falling of the + countenance, then a look of decision, ended in a "Houp-là!" as + the Japanese doll descended into the basket, and was made to + say, "J'y mets une poupée du Japon!" After all she was an ally + of the little polonaises.</p> + + <p><i>"Je vous tends mon corbillon: qu'y met-on?</i> Allons, + les jumeaux! à vous!" Jeanne thought the twins were really in a + plight and that she would have to help them out with a gift, + but, quick as thought, Castor seized Pollux, saying, "J'y mets + mon compagnon!" and Pollux, divining his intention, grasped + Castor, declaring excitedly, "Et moi aussi, j'y mets mon + compagnon" And into the basket they leapt together. "Ils + s'entêtent à rester inséparables," sighed Jeanne; "c'est + bien."</p> + + <p><i>"Je vous tends mon corbillon: qu'y met-on?"</i> Adélaïde + never had possessed anything worth giving away, and yet she + seemed to be suggesting that the contents of the basket did not + look very imposing so far, and would hardly be enough to go + round among so many little Poles, so Jeanne came to the rescue + with gifts of toys until "J'y mets ma contribution!" came + jubilantly forth in a voice that forgot to be Adélaïde's.</p> + + <p>All had now contributed. Yet Jeanne had a feeling that + somehow it was not the end of the game. She pondered gravely + for a few moments, then, placing herself solemnly before the + mirror, she addressed herself:—</p> + + <p><i>"Jeanne, je vous tends mon corbillon: qu'y met-on?"</i> + After a few seconds she began to see what she ought to do.</p> + + <p>"Qu'y mets-tu, Jeanne?" It would be rather hard, but she + must do it.</p> + + <p>Sitting down and turning up the skirt of her frock, she took + each of the <span class="pagenum"><a name="page341" + id="page341"></a>[pg 341]</span> contributors, kissed and + caressed them, and placed them in her lap. Adélaïde only did + she except, explaining to the others, "Oui, mes chéris, je + garde Adélaïde, car savez-vous bien, c'est elle qui me donne + des idées; je prends toujours conseil avec elle. Alors, n'est + ce pas?" Then, carrying the dolls in her petticoat, she + solemnly undid the button, let it slip down with the dolls + inside, and placed it resolutely in the basket, saying: "J'y + mets mon jupon!"</p> + + <p>What was Adélaïde saying? One must give cheerfully and not + regret the gift? <i>Surtout il ne faut pas verser une + larme!</i></p> + + <p>So, hugging her doll, Jeanne returned to the mirror and + added, smiling, "Avec sa-tis-fac-ti-on!"</p> + <hr /> + + <div class="figcenter" style="width:100%;"> + <a href="images/341.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/341.png" + alt="I 'EARD THE GUVNOR SAY THERE WAS THREE 'UNDRED QUID REFUSED FOR 'IM BEFORE THE WAR. WHAT DO YOU THINK OF THAT?" /> + </a> + + <p><i>Officer's Servant</i> (<i>replying to adverse + criticism of war-worn charger</i>). "<span class="sc">I + 'eard the guvnor say there was three 'undred quid refused + for 'im before the War. What do you think of + that</span>?"</p> + + <p><i>Jock</i>. "<span class="sc">Weel, I'm thenkin' there + was twa fools met that day, and i dinna ken which o' them + was the bigger</span>."</p> + </div> + <hr /> + + <blockquote class="note"> + <p class="ctr">"Prospects in English Literature.<br /> + III.—Looking Backward."—<i>The + Athenæum</i>.</p> + </blockquote> + + <p>We trust this is only preliminary to a further advance.</p> + <hr /> + + <blockquote class="note"> + <p>"Shepherds in Scotland are feeding lambs with whisky and + hot milk. Many titled landed proprietors are acting as + shepherds."—<i>Daily News</i>.</p> + </blockquote> + + <p>Surely our Radical contemporary does not mean to + suggest—</p> + <hr /> + + <h3>FAIRIES.</h3> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>There are fairies at the bottom of our garden!</p> + + <p class="i2">It's not so very, very far away;</p> + + <p>You pass the gardener's shed and you just keep + straight ahead;</p> + + <p class="i2">I do so hope they've really come to + stay.</p> + + <p>There's a little wood, with moss in it and + beetles,</p> + + <p class="i2">And a little stream that quietly runs + through;</p> + + <p>You wouldn't think they'd dare to come merrymaking + there—</p> + + <p class="i10">Well, they do.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>There are fairies at the bottom of our garden!</p> + + <p class="i2">They often have a dance on summer + nights;</p> + + <p>The butterflies and bees make a lovely little + breeze,</p> + + <p class="i2">And the rabbits stand about and hold the + lights.</p> + + <p>Did you know that they could sit upon the + moonbeams</p> + + <p class="i2">And pick a little star to make a fan,</p> + + <p>And dance away up there in the middle of the + air?</p> + + <p class="i10">Well, they can.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>There are fairies at the bottom of our garden!</p> + + <p class="i2">You cannot think how beautiful they + are;</p> + + <p>They all stand up and sing when the Fairy Queen and + King</p> + + <p class="i2">Come gently floating down upon their + car.</p> + + <p>The King is very proud and <i>very</i> handsome;</p> + + <p class="i2">The Queen—now can you guess who + that could be</p> + + <p>(She's a little girl all day, but at night she + steals away)?—</p> + + <p class="i10">Well—it's + <span class="sc">Me</span>!</p> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + + <blockquote class="note"> + <p>"Young Lady Wanted, for few months, as Companion-Help + (seaside); fare paid and 6d. week pocket-money; or would + train Girl as Housemaid, same terms."—<i>Provincial + Paper</i>.</p> + </blockquote> + + <p>Such extravagance in war-time ought to be checked.</p> + <hr /> + + <blockquote class="note"> + <p class="ctr">"<span class="sc">Shady German + Trick</span>.</p> + + <p>"In the village of Boisleux-au-Mout the Germans utilised + part of the cemetery to bury their own dead, but before + doing so deliberately hewed down every tree growing on the + side of the ground where the French graves + lie."—<i>Daily Paper</i>.</p> + </blockquote> + + <p>Is "shady" quite the right word for this outrage?</p> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page342" id="page342"></a>[pg + 342]</span> + + <h2>PEAS AND PLEDGES.</h2> + + <p>"Has anything special," I said, "been happening during my + absence?"</p> + + <p>"We are up to our chins in work," said Francesca.</p> + + <p>"But is it real work?"</p> + + <p>"Of course it is. We've formed a General Committee, of which + everybody's a member, including you, and we've formed an + Executive Committee, of which there are about a dozen members. + And then there are some Sub-Committees."</p> + + <p>"Yes, I know. The Executive Committee thinks it's going to + do all the work, but it's got to report to the General + Committee, and it it'll be a great piece of luck if the General + Committee doesn't insist on asserting itself by upsetting all + the decisions of the Executive Committee."</p> + + <p>"Oh, but our General Committee isn't going to be like that + at all. There won't be any petty jealousy about our General + Committee. Besides, the Executive Committee has power to act, + and it doesn't need to report till the Annual Meeting of the + General Committee, which is to be held a year from now. When + that time comes lots of things will have happened."</p> + + <p>"That," I said, "is one of the truest things you've ever + said. Even the War may be over by that time."</p> + + <p>"But if it isn't we shall all be living on swedes or + pea-soup, or rice-bread or all three together; and we shall + have a food controller in every village, and our Committees + won't be wanted."</p> + + <p>"I beg your pardon; they'll be more wanted than ever to keep + the controller straight and act as a buffer between him and the + population."</p> + + <p>"But they won't know they're a buffer, and they won't like + it when some tactless person tells them. Anyhow, that's a long + way off, and in the meantime we've got the land."</p> + + <p>"Who've got what land?"</p> + + <p>"Our Committee," said Francesca, "have got two acres of land + from Mr. Carberry, and we're going to grow a crop of peas on it + so that everybody may have pea-soup in case of a pinch."</p> + + <p>"But what about the peas?" I said, "Have you made sure of + those?"</p> + + <p>"We had a good deal of trouble about them, but we've got a + firm promise of six bushels."</p> + + <p>"Capital! But are you quite sure you know how to bring the + land and the peas together?"</p> + + <p>"Well, I'm not so much of an expert as I should like to be, + but Mr. Bolton 's a practical farmer, and he's going to do all + he can for us."</p> + + <p>"Will he plough it?"</p> + + <p>"It's been ploughed twice, so he's undertaken to harrow it + and scarify it—doesn't it sound awful?—and then + something else is going to happen to it, but I forget what it's + called."</p> + + <p>"Wouldn't it be a good thing, at some stage or other, to + plant the peas?"</p> + + <p>"Yes, it would; but you can't do it as simply as all that, + can you? Isn't there something highly agricultural that you + must do first?"</p> + + <p>"I should chuck 'em in and chance it."</p> + + <p>"A nice farmer you'd make," she said scornfully. "I'm + remembering it now. It's got something to do with drills."</p> + + <p>"Like the Volunteers?"</p> + + <p>"No, not a bit like the Volunteers."</p> + + <p>"Well, then, like potatoes."</p> + + <p>"Yes, more like potatoes, except that they're peas in this + case."</p> + + <p>"How true," I said.</p> + + <p>"Yes. And don't forget that while you were away we formed a + League of Honour in the village and bound ourselves to observe + the <span class="sc">Food Controller's</span> rations."</p> + + <p>"Am I a member?"</p> + + <p>"Yes, we thought you'd like to be one, so I gave your name + in."</p> + + <p>"I think a man must pledge his own honour. He can't have it + done for him."</p> + + <p>"There's no public ceremony. You can just pledge yourself in + your mind, and then put a pledge card in one of the + windows."</p> + + <p>"I'll have tea first," I said, "and then I'll choose the + window, and then I'll pledge myself in my mind."</p> + + <p>"No, you can do the pledging now."</p> + + <p>"I've done it, while you were talking."</p> + + <p>"And after all it's only the old rations according to Lord + <span class="sc">Devonport</span>, and we've been working under + them for some time now."</p> + + <p>"So we have," I said; "but of course the card in the window + makes all the difference."</p> + + <p class="author">R.C.L.</p> + <hr /> + + <div class="figcenter" style="width:50%;"> + <a href="images/342.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/342.png" alt="THE SERVANT PROBLEM." /></a> + + <h5>THE SERVANT PROBLEM.</h5> + + <p><i>Lady</i>. "<span class="sc">And why did your last + mistress</span>——"</p> + + <p><i>Applicant</i> (<i>loftily</i>). + "<span class="sc">Excuse me, Madam</span>!"</p> + + <p><i>Lady</i>. "<span class="sc">Well—er—your + last employer</span>——"</p> + + <p><i>Applicant</i>. "<span class="sc">I beg your pardon, + Madam</span>!"</p> + + <p><i>Lady</i>. "<span class="sc">Well, then, your + last—er—pray what do you call those in whose + service you are engaged</span>?"</p> + + <p><i>Applicant</i>. "<span class="sc">Clients, + Madam</span>." [<i>Collapse of interrogator</i>.]</p> + </div> + <hr /> + + <blockquote class="note"> + <h4>Our Modest Contemporaries.</h4> + + <p>"Had it been intended to make any new pronouncement of + importance the Berlin Government would have taken steps to + circulate the speech by wireless in time for publication in + 'The Star' yesterday evening."—<i>The Star</i>.</p> + </blockquote> + + <p>It is possible that Dr. + <span class="sc">Bethmann-Hollweg</span> was misled by our + contemporary's habit of publishing its "7.0 Edition" at + 4.30.</p> + <hr /> + + <p>From an obituary notice:—</p> + + <blockquote> + <p>"He had studied Eastern religions, and claimed to have + been initiated as a llama of Tibet."—<i>Daily + Mail</i>.</p> + </blockquote> + + <p>Or should it be the Grand Lama of Peru?</p> + <hr /> + + <blockquote> + <p>"The —— Food Economy Committee were + astounded yesterday at the secretary's report of a + collier's family of six persons who consumed twenty + half-quartern loaves in one week, averaging twenty pounds + of bread per person."—<i>Sunday Chronicle</i>.</p> + </blockquote> + + <p>It is not stated whether the astonishment was caused by the + family's appetite or the secretary's arithmetic.</p> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page343" id="page343"></a>[pg + 343]</span> + + <div class="figcenter" style="width:100%;"> + <a href="images/343.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/343.png" + alt="'OUR CAPTAIN IS ONE OF THE BEST, AND WE'RE READY TO FOLLOW HIM TO H--L.' I SUPPOSE HE MEANS THE HINDENBURG LINE." /> + </a> + + <p><i>Fond Mother</i> (<i>reading</i>). + "'<span class="sc">Our captain is one of the best, and + we're ready to follow him to h—l.' I suppose he means + the Hindenburg Line.</span>"</p> + </div> + <hr /> + + <h2>OUR BOOKING-OFFICE.</h2> + + <p class="ctr">(<i>By Mr. Punch's Staff of Learned + Clerks</i>.)</p> + + <p>In the list of heroic young soldier-authors whose gifts the + War has revealed to us only to snatch them away, the name of + <span class="sc">Donald Hankey</span> already holds an honoured + place. It will, therefore, be good news to the many admirers of + <i>A Student in Arms</i> that a further selection of these + heartening and fine-spirited papers has been prepared under the + title of <i>A Student in Arms—Second Series</i> + (<span class="sc">Melrose</span>). The thousands who already + know and admire Lieut. <span class="sc">Hankey's</span> work + will need no introduction to this, which exhibits all the + qualities of courage and sympathy that have given the former + book a world-wide popularity. They, and others, will however + welcome the occasion afforded here of learning something about + the life and personality of the writer, which they will do both + from the short preface contributed by one whose identity is + hardly disguised under the initials "H.M.A.H.," and from a + couple of papers, autobiographical, that end the volume. + Rugbieans especially will be interested to read + <span class="sc">Donald Hankey's</span> recollections of his + school-days, with their tribute to the house-master + affectionately known to so many generations as "Jackey." A + book, in short, that will add to the admiration and regret with + which its author is spoken of in three continents.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p><i>He Looked in My Window</i> (<span class="sc">Chatto And + Windus</span>), by <span class="sc">Robert Halifax</span>, + gives the adventures of <i>Ruth Shadd</i>, decentest of + dwellers in a meanish street, during her determined hunt for a + husband. It would have been easy to make all this unlovely in + its frankness, but the author very skilfully (and, I think, + very sincerely) avoids this. <i>Ruth</i> is a fine girl, with + character and candour, those too rare assets, and having + pursued, and found wanting, <i>Bert</i>, the swanker, who + hasn't the courage for matrimony; the polite and fatuously + prudent <i>Archie</i>, and <i>Joe</i>, the vegetarian, who had + such exalted faith in malt, she wins a deserved happiness with + someone that she had never even thought of pursuing. Mr. + <span class="sc">Halifax</span> gives me an impression of + almost cinematographic and gramophonic exactness in his + portraiture. <i>George Shadd</i>, <i>Ruth's</i> father, who + worked in the gasworks and was one of the very best, delighted + me particularly, with his pathetic little garden, his battle + with the slugs and black-fly, and his fine patience with + <i>Mrs. Shadd</i>, who put her washing before his fire and her + props among his choicest seedlings—a difficult woman + indeed. The author writes with humour and sympathy; and that is + the way to write of this brave if narrow life. It is the first + time I have looked in Mr. <span class="sc">Halifax's</span> + window. I shall take steps to do so again. 'Tis a nice clean + window.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>Not even the most confirmed Gallio can avoid caring for + <i>Arthur Stanton—A Memoir</i>, by the Rt. Hon. G.W.E. + <span class="sc">Russell (Longmans)</span>, when he has once + dipped his mind into the book. It is the record of a singularly + beautiful and beneficent life, lived to the very utmost in the + service of God and man, and ruled by a simple and direct + religion which constantly forced practice up to the exalted + level of precept. Judged by merely worldly standards of + achievement, <span class="sc">Arthur Stanton's</span> life + could not be considered a success. He began as curate of St. + Alban's, Holborn, and as curate of St. Alban's he ended after + many years of enthusiastic devotion to humanity. He was foiled + and thwarted by the great ones of the Church, inhibited in one + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page344" id="page344"></a>[pg + 344]</span> place, suspended in another, and frequently doomed + to find a Bishop or a Chaplain-General set, like a lion, across + his path. But nothing could avail to stop him where he found a + soul that could be saved or misery that could be relieved. His + congregation, drawn from the slums of Holborn, would have died + for him to a man, for they realised with how great an ardour + his life was spent in order that he might help them. His faith + was not a mystery kept apart for special occasions, but a daily + and hourly influence vivifying his words and directing his + actions. And no man could have enjoyed himself more than this + true saint and interpreter of God to man. His religion was not + one of gloom and foreboding, but a cheerful and delightful + habit of mind and soul. <i>Tantum religio potuit suadere + bonorum.</i> Mr. <span class="sc">Russell</span> has done his + work with great skill and perfect sympathy, and has produced a + book that does honour to himself and to the beloved friend whom + it is his privilege to commemorate.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>The many readers of <i>Punch</i> who took a close interest + in <span class="sc">Alec Johnston's</span> letters written "At + the Back of the Front" and "At the Front" will be glad to have + them in collected form. The memory of his gallant end—he + was killed in action after the brilliant capture of a salient + near Ypres, at the head of his company of Shropshires—is + fresh in all our hearts. A preface to <i>At the Front</i> + (<span class="sc">Constable</span>) contains an appreciation of + his high character and soldierly qualities by his friend and + fellow-officer, Captain <span class="sc">Ingram</span>, + R.A.M.C., D.S.O., M.C., who a few weeks later was himself + killed. It is a fine tribute paid by one true soldier to + another. These letters of <span class="sc">Alec + Johnston</span>, as their editor reminds us, "were composed in + the brief interludes snatched from hard fighting and hard + fatigues. They never pretended to be more than the gay and + cynical banter of one who brought to the perils of life at the + Front an incurable habit of humour. They are typical of that + brave spirit, essentially English, that makes light of the + worst that fate can send."</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>It must, I should think, be exceedingly difficult to find a + new title in these days for a volume of reminiscences. Mr. + <span class="sc">Raymond Blathwayt</span> seems to have solved + the problem happily enough by calling his contribution to the + rapidly-increasing library of recollections, <i>Through Life + and Round the World</i> (<span class="sc">Allen</span>). One + way and another, first as a curate (rightly termed by the + publishers "rather unconventional"), later as journalist, Mr. + <span class="sc">Blathwayt</span> has contrived to use a pair + of remarkably open eyes with excellent effect. The result is + this fat volume, whose contents, if honesty constrains me to + call the most of them gossip, are at least generally + entertaining and never ill-natured. Needless to say, Mr. + <span class="sc">Blathwayt</span>, like the elder + <i>Capulet</i>, can "tell a tale such as will please." For + myself, out of a goodly store, I should select for first + honours a repartee, new to me, of Sir <span class="sc">Herbert + Tree</span> (forgive this dropping into rhyme!). It tells of a + boastful old-time actor, vaunting his triumphs as + <i>Hamlet</i>, when "the audience took fifteen minutes leaving + the theatre." "<i>Was ha lame?</i>" If our only + <span class="sc">Herbert</span> did not in fact make this + reply, I can only hope that he will at once hasten home and do + so. But while we are upon Mr. + <span class="sc">Blathwayt's</span> dramatic recollections, I + must respectfully traverse his dictum that some of the acting + at the local pageants of a few years back "surpassed the very + best I have seen upon the stage." As one who took a personal + part in many of those well-meant revivals, and dates a relaxed + throat from the effort of vociferating history, up-wind, + towards a stand full of ear-straining auditors, I bow but + remain unconvinced.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>Although the literary style of Mr. <span class="sc">Julius + M. Price</span>, of <i>The Illustrated London News</i>, is too + breezy for my taste, I am glad to have read his <i>Six Months + on the Italian Front</i> (<span class="sc">Chapman and + Hall</span>). Possibly he under-estimates our appreciation of + Italy's share in the War's burden, but his account of the + conditions prevailing upon the Italian front, and of the + courage and skill with which they have been overcome, deserves + our undiluted approval. It is difficult to believe that anyone + who is not at least a member of the Alpine Club can dimly + realise the engineering feats which the Italian soldiers have + performed. Mr. <span class="sc">Price</span> has been given + many opportunities of observation, and where none was given to + him he has contrived to make them for himself. And the result + is a book full of incident and excitement. I hope that he will + pardon me when I add that my sense of gratitude would have been + greater if, in addition to the photograph of himself—or + even instead of it—he had given us a map. For the rest + his illustrations are excellent.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>To <span class="sc">Martin Swayne</span>, officer in the + R.A.M.C., on his lawful occasions or in the intervals of + swatting flies <i>In Mesopotamia</i> (<span class="sc">Hodder + and Stoughton</span>), there came some thoughts pleasant and + bitter, and you can see that he has selected the pleasant and + cut out the others, partly because of his loyalty and humour, + and partly, no doubt, in deference to the prejudices of + censorship. And he writes his selection of printable remarks in + a very agreeable and not undistinguished idiom, pointing the + narrative with reflections sane and sage enough. He has also + made some water-colour notes (here reproduced in colour) of + things seen; not remarkable, but adequate to convey an + impression. We have all lamented the confusions (shall we call + them?) of the medical service, and the trials of our troops in + that blessed region entered through Kurna, the Gate of the + Garden of Eden, in the early days of the Mesopotamian + adventure. The author reports a radical improvement, and if + Eden isn't exactly the name you'd give to this pest-ridden + country at least the fighting men are now backed by the + devotion and competence of the healing men, and all goes well + for both. To the bulldog might well be added the retriever as + our national emblem. We are some retrievers.</p> + <hr /> + + <div class="figcenter" style="width:50%;"> + <a href="images/344.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/344.png" alt="OUR MIXED ARMY." /></a> + + <h5>OUR MIXED ARMY.</h5> + + <p><i>Refined Ex-Journalist</i>. "<span class="sc">Don't + you think that cook has stressed the onions a little in the + stew to-day</span>?"</p> + </div> + <hr /> + + <p>From an article headed "Outlook for Oil":—</p> + + <blockquote class="note"> + <p>"It is urged in commercial circles that the Government + should secure men with laboratory experience, plus a + complete absence of practical knowledge, to report on shale + deposits."—<i>Australian Paper</i>.</p> + </blockquote> + + <p>We thought it was only in the Old Country that Governments + had any use for that sort of man.</p> +<p> </p> +<hr class="full" /> +<p>***END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI, VOL. 152, MAY 23, 1917***</p> +<p>******* This file should be named 15512-h.txt or 15512-h.zip *******</p> +<p>This and all associated files of various formats will be found in:<br /> +<a href="https://www.gutenberg.org/dirs/1/5/5/1/15512">https://www.gutenberg.org/1/5/5/1/15512</a></p> +<p>Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions +will be renamed.</p> + +<p>Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no +one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation +(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without +permission and without paying copyright royalties. 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